Meditation and Emotional Intelligence: Complete Guide to Mindfulness, Meditation and Hypnosis

Table of contents :
Introduction
Introduction
Chapter One: Emotional Intelligence
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
Dealing with Your Emotions
Other People's Emotions
Influencing Others' Emotions
Chapter Two: Self Discipline
Emotional Self Discipline
Why Self Discipline is Important
How to Develop Emotional Self Discipline
Doing Space Exercises
Chapter Three: Leadership and Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence at Work
No Follower? No Leader
Getting Others to Work with You
The Four Pillars of Effective Workplace Leadership
Chapter Four: Social Skills and Emotional Intelligence
Why You Need Social Skills
Traits of Social Skills
Social Skills and Emotional Intelligence
What Skills are Social?
Chapter Five: Analyzing People
Body Language
Chapter Six: Manipulating People
Using Your Body
Techniques for Making Connections
The Power of Priming
Let's Talk Neuro-Linguistic Programming
Chapter Seven: Emotional Intelligence in Relationships
More EQ; More Love
The Importance of Emotional Intelligence in Your Relationship
Your Emotions and Your Relationship
Growing in Your Relationship with Emotions
How Emotions Can Tear Your Relationship Apart
Dealing with Your Significant Other's Emotions
Chapter Eight: Authentic Happiness and Emotional Intelligence
Let's Define Happiness
Why Happiness Matters
Transmiting Your Emotions
Choose Optimism Every Time
Chapter Nine: Manipulating Yourself
What to Do When You Feel Like Crap
Chapter Ten: Boosting Your Emotional Intelligence
Increasing Your Self Awareness
Conclusion
Introduction
Chapter One: Understanding Meditation - Starting from its History and Benefits
History of Meditation
Benefits of Meditation
Meditation and Brain Activity
Chapter Two: Types of Meditation and How to Use Them
Breathing Meditation
Body-Scan Meditation
Mindfulness Meditation
Loving-Kindness Meditation
Kundalini Meditation
Zen Meditation
Transcendental Meditation
Final Word on Meditation
Chapter Three: Understanding Hypnosis - History, Benefits, and Uses
The Truth About Hypnosis
History of Hypnosis
Common Misconceptions about Hypnosis
How Does Hypnotherapy Work?
The Effect of Hypnosis on the Brain
Benefits and Uses of Hypnosis
Chapter Four: Understanding Hypnosis Types and Their Uses
Traditional Hypnosis
Ericksonian Hypnosis
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Hypnosis
Self-Hypnosis
Difference between Meditation and Hypnosis
Chapter Five: Understanding Sleep, Its Importance, and Its Various Stages
Importance of Sleep
Lifestyle Habits Affecting Sleep
Importance of Correct Sleep Environment
Stages of Sleep
Importance and Benefits of Deep Sleep
Signs of the Lack of Deep Sleep
Tips for Improved Deep Sleep Quality
Chapter Six: Understanding Deep Sleep
Deep Sleep Requirements
Deep Sleep Technologies
The Future of Sleep Technology
Chapter Seven: Putting Deep Sleep, Meditation, and Hypnosis Together
Sleep and Meditation
Sleep and Hypnosis
Conclusion

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Meditation and Emotional Intelligence Complete Guide to Mindfulness, Meditation and Hypnosis.

May Francis

© Copyright 2020 by May Francis - All rights reserved. This document is geared towards providing exact and reliable information in regard to the topic and issue covered. The publication is sold with the idea that the publisher is not required to render accounting, officially permitted, or otherwise, qualified services. If advice is necessary, legal or professional, a practiced individual in the profession should be ordered. From a Declaration of Principles which was accepted and approved equally by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations. In no way is it legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited and any storage of this document is not allowed unless with written permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The information provided herein is stated to be truthful and consistent, in that any liability, in terms of inattention or otherwise, by any usage or abuse of any policies, processes, or directions contained within is the solitary and utter responsibility of the recipient reader. Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly. Respective authors own all copyrights not held by the publisher. The information herein is offered for informational purposes solely, and is universal as so. The presentation of the information is without contract or any type of guarantee assurance.

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Table of Contents

Meditation and Emotional Intelligence BOOK 1 - Emotional Intelligence: Complete Introduction to the Basics of Self-Discipline and Emotional Control. How to Develop Your Leadership and Social Skills, Analyze and Manipulate People. INTRODUCTION CHAPTER ONE: EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE What Is Emotional Intelligence? Dealing with Your Emotions Other People's Emotions Influencing Others' Emotions

CHAPTER TWO: SELF DISCIPLINE Emotional Self Discipline Why Self Discipline is Important How to Develop Emotional Self Discipline Doing Space Exercises

CHAPTER THREE: LEADERSHIP AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Emotional Intelligence at Work No Follower? No Leader Getting Others to Work with You The Four Pillars of Effective Workplace Leadership

CHAPTER FOUR: SOCIAL SKILLS AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE Why You Need Social Skills Traits of Social Skills Social Skills and Emotional Intelligence What Skills are Social?

CHAPTER FIVE: ANALYZING PEOPLE Body Language

CHAPTER SIX: MANIPULATING PEOPLE Using Your Body Techniques for Making Connections The Power of Priming Let's Talk Neuro-Linguistic Programming

CHAPTER SEVEN: EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS More EQ; More Love The Importance of Emotional Intelligence in Your Relationship

Your Emotions and Your Relationship Growing in Your Relationship with Emotions How Emotions Can Tear Your Relationship Apart Dealing with Your Significant Other's Emotions

CHAPTER EIGHT: AUTHENTIC HAPPINESS AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE Let's Define Happiness Why Happiness Matters Transmiting Your Emotions Choose Optimism Every Time

CHAPTER NINE: MANIPULATING YOURSELF What to Do When You Feel Like Crap

CHAPTER TEN: BOOSTING YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE Increasing Your Self Awareness

CONCLUSION

BOOK 2 - Meditation and Hypnosis: Complete Guide to the Basics of Meditation, Hypnosis and Deep Sleep Technologies. INTRODUCTION CHAPTER ONE: UNDERSTANDING MEDITATION - STARTING FROM ITS HISTORY AND BENEFITS History of Meditation Benefits of Meditation Meditation and Brain Activity

CHAPTER TWO: TYPES OF MEDITATION AND HOW TO USE THEM Breathing Meditation Body-Scan Meditation Mindfulness Meditation Loving-Kindness Meditation Kundalini Meditation Zen Meditation Transcendental Meditation Final Word on Meditation

CHAPTER THREE: UNDERSTANDING HYPNOSIS - HISTORY, BENEFITS, AND USES The Truth About Hypnosis

History of Hypnosis Common Misconceptions about Hypnosis How Does Hypnotherapy Work? The Effect of Hypnosis on the Brain Benefits and Uses of Hypnosis

CHAPTER FOUR: UNDERSTANDING HYPNOSIS TYPES AND THEIR USES Traditional Hypnosis Ericksonian Hypnosis Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Hypnosis Self-Hypnosis Difference between Meditation and Hypnosis

CHAPTER FIVE: UNDERSTANDING SLEEP, ITS IMPORTANCE, AND ITS VARIOUS STAGES Importance of Sleep Lifestyle Habits Affecting Sleep Importance of Correct Sleep Environment Stages of Sleep Importance and Benefits of Deep Sleep Signs of the Lack of Deep Sleep Tips for Improved Deep Sleep Quality

CHAPTER SIX: UNDERSTANDING DEEP SLEEP Deep Sleep Requirements Deep Sleep Technologies The Future of Sleep Technology

CHAPTER SEVEN: PUTTING DEEP SLEEP, MEDITATION, AND HYPNOSIS TOGETHER Sleep and Meditation Sleep and Hypnosis

CONCLUSION

Emotional Intelligence Complete Introduction to the Basics of SelfDiscipline and Emotional Control. How to Develop Your Leadership and Social Skills, Analyze and Manipulate People.

May Francis

Introduction For a lot of people, putting the words "emotional" and "intelligence" together seems like some sort of joke. After all, you're either one or the other. At least, that is what conventional wisdom has taught us. However, that is quickly changing. Emotional intelligence is a “thing”. When you hear about emotional intelligence, know that it's all about intelligently expressing and managing your emotions so that they do not get the best of you, and they do not escalate a situation from bad to worse. It's all about being able to notice what it is you feel, and how others feel as well. It's all about having a full grasp of all things pertaining to emotions. It's about being able to handle your emotions, as well as the emotions of others. Emotional intelligence is not some new thing some guru is trying to make money from. Renowned psychologists, Peter Salovey, and John Mayer are the people we have to thank for the theory of emotional intelligence. Since their theory was born, there has been a lot of research into emotional intelligence that has produced very revealing results. The fact of the matter is that emotional intelligence is extremely important. You need it. Your parents, kids, friends, colleagues, and bosses have a lot to gain from becoming emotionally intelligent. I know I've had a lot of benefits from choosing to be emotionally intelligent myself, and it is because I've had such phenomenal results that I have decided to write this book you're reading now.

I hope to share with you the true meaning of emotional intelligence. I'd like you to consider some really neat ways of considering your emotional intelligence, as well as the level of emotional intelligence the people in your life possess. More than that, I want to give you strategies that will boost your emotional intelligence, in the hopes that you can help others as well. Now please understand this: You're only going to get results if you decide to make this a part of your life. Good on you for getting this book, and for reading this far. However, you've got to do a lot more than that if you plan on boosting your Emotional Quotient or EQ. It all comes down to practice and deliberately seeking out ways to incorporate what you learn from this book in your day to day activities. I need you to keep in mind that learning to improve your emotional intelligence is not a thing to be ashamed of. It doesn't mean you're an idiot, or you've got some sort of mental issues. It's simply you choose to become a better version of yourself. Besides, it also helps to want to know what makes people do the things they do. Sometimes you run into people who do the most seemingly irrational things, and you wonder why. You may have met some really intelligent folk who, for some reason, keep sabotaging themselves. When you read this book, you will get a handle on all of that too. The result will be that you'll know how to handle such people better, and your relationships and friendships will improve by leaps and bounds on account of this knowledge.

Chapter One: Emotional Intelligence If you really want to get ahead in life, then it is not enough for you to simply have book smarts or street smarts. You need to have felt smarts as well. The fact of the matter is that a lot of the time, getting ahead in life is not just about what you can do, but how you make people feel about you and your work, and more importantly, how you feel about yourself and your work or life's purpose, too. Think of it this way: You could be the best pizza maker in the whole world, but if you have a crappy attitude, then I am willing to bet you my every dollar that you will not be the most profitable or patronized pizza maker. I'd personally sooner give my money to someone who is not as good as you but makes me feel like a million bucks every time I come in or call to place an order. So let's really sink our teeth into emotional intelligence, so we understand what it's all about.

What Is Emotional Intelligence? There are so many definitions of emotional intelligence or EI, proposed by various experts. The one thing that stays constant about it is that it was born from a need to understand how people who are smart when it comes to books and stuff seem to fail at being smart with their emotions. The answer to that is pretty simple: An inability to be aware of emotions and to control them. In other words, a lack of emotional intelligence.

Think about times when someone showed some promise in their career, demonstrating how smart they are, when all of a sudden, they have to deal with some scandal or the other. Maybe they had sex with someone they shouldn't have. Maybe they had been unable to resist the allure of bribes. Suddenly, all they had worked for till the point when they were discovered goes up in flames. There is also the reverse scenario, where a person isn't all that great when outcomes to books and school and stuff like that, but they happen to be wellliked by everyone. They have amazing friends. People always have good stuff to say about them. On top of all that, they also make smart decisions when it comes to their life and where they want to go. The point I'm trying to make is that not everyone shines in book smarts, and not everyone shines when it comes to getting a handle of emotions, but the great thing is that you can always learn to become emotionally intelligent. Can you think of a few people who always seem to do well when it comes to handling difficult circumstances? Have you noticed that these people have no trouble getting the respect of others? Have you observed that they are adept at expressing themselves and influencing others? These people tend to be able to keep a cool head when things are going south, no matter how far south things go. They have no problem making people want to help them do whatever they need to be done. They know just what to say when to say it and how to say it to get the exact results they want. They are experts at negotiating, whether it's handling themselves, or handling others.

They can easily deduce how other people will respond to certain words or actions, and have a handle on their own emotions as well. They know how to keep fueling their drive so that they can get stuff done efficiently. Also, no matter how dire things are, they somehow find a way to be optimistic. People like this are emotionally intelligent. Now, I'll grant you that these attributes do not necessarily make up the definition of emotional intelligence, but they do paint a picture of what you can expect an emotionally intelligent person to act like. If you think you could never be all that, well, I'm happy to let, you know you're wrong. All you need is some practice, and you can become an emotionally intelligent individual yourself.

Dealing with Your Emotions A lot of people assume that they will be judged by what they do and not what they know. It's just the truth of the matter that the way you make others feel matters more than all the stuff you know or are good at. So you just need to learn how to deal with your emotions, and consequently, your actions when you're in the throes of some strong emotions. The first step to doing this is to become fully aware of the way you feel. To help you really understand the importance of the art of dealing with your emotions and those of others, I'm going to give you a quick example. So, Nicole comes back home from work. Nicole is not aware of how she feels, and as a result, she doesn't realize the way she's acting when she walks into the living room, tosses her handbag on a couch, and then heads straight for the wine cooler to pour herself a drink. Her face says she is not to be trifled with right now.

Her partner, Chad, walks in with some package Nicole has been expecting. "Package for you, Nicole," says Chad, cheerfully. All Nicole does is take the package wordlessly. "Are you okay?" Chad asks. "No, I'm not okay. Could you leave me alone so I can finish my wine in peace?" Chad cannot believe that Nicole would talk to him that way. It's not like her. He now thinks he must have done something horrible to her, for her to speak to him like that. So for the rest of the night, the mood is dark. Chad only has one thing on his mind: What is it he might have done to upset her so badly? Nicole is in a dark mood, and she can't quite figure out why, which only pisses her off even more. Over the course of her day, she has pushed away people at work who she is usually so chummy with. Something is bothering her that she knows for sure. The problem is that Nicole does not handle her emotions intelligently. She has chosen to allow them to overcome her, and as a result, she has taken out her frustrations on poor Chad, who is trying to figure out if he left the toilet seat up in the morning, or forgot an important date or didn't send her the right flowers the last time he did. Back in the 50s and 60s, the popular assumption held by psychologists was that you must allow yourself to really live your negative emotions and give in to them fully before you can get past them.

Thankfully, psychologists today are in agreement that this is neither necessary nor helpful. Better than unleashing your negative emotions, you have the option of cognitive-behavioral therapy or CBT. The thing about dwelling too long on your negative emotions is that you'll find yourself stuck in a rut, wearing out the same old groove. Yes, in due time, the emotion will leave you, but you will find yourself unable to really get past the emotion without gaining some clarity and perspective on why you felt as you did. Back to Nicole. Her day at work began on a terrible note, as her boss chewed her out for making one mistake that quite frankly wasn't that big a deal. Her boss knows that Nicole hardly ever messes up, and yet, she wouldn't cut her some slack for this one oversight. Now Nicole is mad about that. Some colleague tries to hand her some work to do, and where she would ordinarily help out, Nicole instead launches into an argument with her colleague. Nicole does her best not to pay too much attention to her emotions, as she leaves for home. On the way home, she decides to get some of her favorite blueberry muffins to unwind, but by the time she's just one person away from placing her order, the man before her orders all 8 of the remaining ones — after Nicole waiting for at least 30 minutes in line! Now she's really mad. It might not have been that bad if her day at work hadn't begun as it did. When Nicole gets home, she finds that everything is an annoyance.

She hates that Chad left his shoes right at the door, again, despite her having told him not to. She drops her bag and heads straight for the wine cooler, angry as a mother. How would all of this have played out if Nicole were emotionally intelligent? Well, first of all, she would understand what it was that was making her feel bad: The fact that she got yelled at by her boss and embarrassed in the presence of her coworkers; that she didn't take the time to go through her work before turning it in, else she would have caught the error on time; that she had an argument with her colleague who is actually a cool person; that she didn't get to the store on time so she could get her favorite blueberry muffins; that she was mad at Chad for putting his shoes by the front door despite her having told him to stop doing that. If Nicole were emotionally intelligent, knowing exactly all the things that have her feeling so blah, she would be better able to handle her emotions. She would have let her boss know the reason she didn't catch that error was that she was down with the flu, and this made it hard to focus. This might have made her boss go easier on her. She would also handle each emotional trigger as a separate thing, rather than allow her anger to spill over from one person to the next. After the embarrassment from her boss, she would have stepped out of the office or found a quiet spot she could retreat to for 20 minutes to half an hour at least so that she could cool off and contain her emotions, and be as productive as she needed to be throughout her day. She would probably not have needed the muffins, but even if she did, she would have been levelheaded enough to try to strike a deal with the guy buying up all the muffins or to go for her second favorite thing.

Also, upon getting home, she would have found a more constructive way to let Chad know he needed to quit it with the shoes being at the door. I want you to keep in mind that you definitely can improve your emotional intelligence, but it might be a bit of a struggle for you at first. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. All you need is to be willing to put what you learn to work, and I promise you will definitely see results!

Other People's Emotions Emotional intelligence and social intelligence go hand in hand. You need to be able to comprehend other people's emotions. You also need to learn how to deal with other people's emotions effectively, as well as the attitudes and actions that inevitably are triggered by thee emotions. You're not an island. The reason I can safely make that assumption is that you're reading this book. If you didn't care about how other people feel, then you would have dumped this book a few pages ago, if you even picked it up at all. We all have to interact with one another day after day, and this is why it's important to be socially and emotionally intelligent. When you understand the way others feel, you will find it easier to sustain satisfying relationships. You won't have any problems getting others to feel great about you each time you come to mind. You will know the best way to request favors without making the other person feel awkward or like they need to give you some space. If you're in a field like marketing or sales, being socially and emotionally intelligent will help you make a killing! You won't have issues selling goods and ideas, even.

You will know exactly what to say and how to be to calm someone down. You won't have a problem helping people who need you. On top of all that, you'll have an amazing group of friends that you enjoy spending time and doing stuff with. Here's a quick scenario for you to think about. You've got a couple of ladies, Ornella and Brianne. They are different from each other in terms of social intelligence. Now, Brianne got an Uber, but for some reason, it didn't show up on time, so she was forced to cancel and get another one, which meant she would be late to the play she had flown into town to be seen. Sadly, by the time she gets there, the place is packed to capacity, and they're not letting anyone in anymore. She didn't get tickets beforehand, as she had assumed, she would be able to get a ticket at the venue. Brianne is upset! "Are you freaking kidding me right now?" She yells at the young man who's done selling tickets. "I'm really sorry, miss, but you could always catch the second viewing of the play later this evening," he replies. "Hell now!" Screams Brianne. "I want to see it right now! I don't want to have to wait. I had planned to catch it now! It's not my fault; my Uber was late! I'm not leaving until you sell me a ticket." Now it should be fairly obvious at this point that Brianne has successfully iced out this young man who just might have made it possible for her to see her show right then. Unphased by Brianne's tantrums, the young man remains firm.

Upset, Brianne finds she has no other choice than to reschedule her day so that she can catch the second viewing. Ornella was a witness to this whole thing. It so happens that she would love to see them play, and right now as well! However, she plays it differently than Brianne did. "It's got to be insanely hard for you to have to deal with people like that lady every day," says Ornella to the young man. "Well, it's not like it happens all the time. And it really isn't that bad, to be honest," he replies. "Oh, alright. I hate to be a bother, and it's okay if you really can't, but is there even a chance that you could help me out here? I'm in the same situation, and I have to catch the play today because I'll be flying out of state this evening, and I would hate to miss it. I don't mind if it's way too packed in there. In fact, I'd be happy to stand." As the young man laughs, he says, "I'll see what I can do for you, miss." He steps out around the back and then comes back out moments later, saying, "So I had a seat reserved for my boss in the VIP section, and I've been waiting for him to get here. I explained your situation, and he was more than willing to let you have it. I'll print you a ticket, so no one gives you any trouble." "Oh, that's just wonderful! Thank you!" says Ornella in response.

The thing you have to keep in mind when you're interacting with others is that it's not every time you must give so much or do so much before you get what you need. All you have to do is pay attention to the people around you, and handle your own emotions properly, and you will find that will reward you extremely well in the long run. If you think emotional intelligence is only about being nice to the people around you, then you'd be way off base. It also involves being able to understand other people's perspectives and working with your own emotions in productive ways. There are times when being emotionally intelligent means you've got to hold your own and stand firm when dealing with others. Sometimes it means showing them that you are actually not going to stand for their crap, or that you're frustrated with the way they've been handling things. What it really comes down to is your ability to read other people, and use your emotions responsibly, as needed.

Influencing Others' Emotions Once you're able to read other people's emotions, you will find you are better at influencing the way they feel. There is nothing wrong with wanting to influence people so that they can come to see things in a better way. You might want them to understand why a certain concept or idea matters. You might want to convince them to get a certain product or get onboard with a plan. You could also want to influence them because it would be to their very own benefit — say you're trying to get a loved one to stop smoking, for instance. The benefits of being able to influence others are too many to list.

You might be dealing with someone who's feeling a lot of rages, or feeling depressed, and you want to help them feel much better about themselves, and whatever situation it is that has them feeling that way so that you both can interact with each other better. It also helps to be able to tell how others feel so that you will be able to understand what it is that makes them tick. This is helpful in so many ways. If someone is in a bad mood, you will know whether or not they need the company. You will know when to offer comfort and when to pull back to allow them to work through things on their own. This is a very helpful thing to know. No matter your reasons for wanting to influence someone, the fact remains that you and this person needs to be on the same page. Once you both have the same goal you're striving towards; it becomes easier for you both to come together and make it happen. That being said, constantly antagonizing people is a surefire way to make sure they're anything but your allies. They won't listen, and short of you trying some dirty manipulative tactics, they cannot be influenced by you. So whatever you do, remember: If you want them to go along with your ideas, then you've got to be on the same page as they are. 

Chapter Two: Self Discipline A key part of being emotionally intelligent involved getting a handle on yourself. I'm talking about self-control or self-discipline. It's all about being able to handle your own emotions and to respond in such a way that does not leave you choking on your feeling, but also doesn't cause lasting damage to the way people perceive you, or to the relationships you have with others. It's a curious thing that some people demonstrate the ability to handle their own emotions — until they feel something so extreme that they've never experienced before. I'm talking about extreme feelings like terror, panic, grief, bitterness, exasperation, rage, powerlessness, and even love. When you cannot deal with these emotions, you might find yourself at their mercy, being blown about wherever they lead you. This could be terrible for your personal relationships, and even ruin your productivity when it comes to work and your career, causing you to become disorganized and lack the focus needed to succeed in life.

Emotional Self Discipline Emotional self-discipline is all about being able to handle all emotions effectively — including the most extreme ones. There are so many moving parts when it comes to this very vital life skill.

First of all, you need to be able to tell in advance when you're in the process of becoming entangled in really intense emotions, which could overwhelm you so that you can get out ahead of it before this happens. Being emotionally intelligent or having a high Emotional Quotient is not about sweeping your feelings under the rug and hoping no one notices the weird lump building up under there. It's not about repressing your feelings. What it's really about is engaging your emotions in smart ways that work out for you and those around you. This is a necessary life skill, whether you're at work, or at home, or with friends. One of the things that helps a lot with being able to handle the more violent emotions is the use of calming mindfulness techniques, which allow you to create some space between you and the thought you're having that's firing up that emotion, and between you and the emotion as well. The end result is that you'll find the strength of the emotions, and their effect on you will naturally dissipate. You will need to learn techniques that will let you keep doing productive work, even when you are in the middle of intense feelings like panic or anxiety. This is particularly useful when you've got to give an important speech, or when you've absolutely got to be responsible for something or someone even if you very badly would rather be somewhere in Cabo sipping mai tais and admiring every beautiful body that passes you by. Skillfully handling your negative emotions will help you not to get mired in them. To become adept at handling yourself, you've got to learn to pay attention to how you feel, know that it's okay to feel the way you do,

and then move through the emotions with the understanding that they are at best clouds, and you are the sky; clouds will come, and they will go, but you remain the same. You don't try to stop the rain from falling when the clouds come out. You don't launch yourself up into the air with some flying car or something and try to vacuum the clouds away so that the sun can hit the earth. You let the clouds do their thing, without letting them affect your day to day affairs. This is the same attitude that you should have when dealing with your emotions. Sure, you feel how you feel. Acknowledge that to yourself, and to whoever else needs to be aware of that, but do not let that get in the way of you doing what you need to do! Also, never attempt to bury or deny your emotions. It's unhealthy, and you will implode from all that pressure sooner or later, like an inverted volcano or something. Spontaneous combustion is not pretty; I assure you.

Why Self Discipline is Important When you discipline yourself only to express and respond to emotions in the healthiest ways possible, you will become more aware of just how destructive it can be to allow your emotions to run amok, particularly when it comes to others, your reputation, and yourself. With this awareness in mind, you will be more open to finding constructive ways to deal with how you feel so that there are no dead bodies to be buried and no casualties to deal with. It's not everyone who knows how to quickly and tactfully remove themselves from circumstances or situations where they are going through really intense negative feelings, and go off to be somewhere else until those feelings have passed so that no one is harmed.

This is the great thing about having self-discipline! You become more aware of your triggers, and you become more aware of the fact that as real and intense as they feel in the moment, you are not your emotions. More than that, it's a rare thing indeed to see people take responsibility for the way that they feel, without passing the buck onto others. Most people will blame anything: The weather, their mother, the fact that they did not have their favorite coffee in the morning. However, self-discipline requires you to become aware that you and you alone are responsible for how you feel, and the way you react to people and situations. It might seem as though if someone else had not done something, say hit your car on the road, or called you an idiot, you would not have lost your head. The fact remains, though, that at every point in time, you are able to control yourself, if you want to. A Scenario Demonstrating Self Discipline Imagine if you will, a man who always responds to confrontations or the emotions caused by said confrontations by getting into physical fights. Most of his life, he has gotten away with doing this on account of his physical strength. Let's call this guy, Jake. One fine evening, Jake goes to the one bar that has not banned him yet to get his favorite brew while watching the Red Sox game. Someone accidentally bumps into him, causing him to spill his drink. In his usual fashion, Jake explodes from his bar stool, ready to introduce the offending party to his two friends Lightning and Thunder — AKA, his fists. However,

Jake notices that this guy is several feet taller than him and is built like The Rock and The Hulk had a love child. No spare flesh, all lean, mean muscles. Suddenly, Jake is tame. He mutters something under his breath and then returns to drinking his beer. What happened then? Why did it take this big burly dude showing up to make Jake exercise self-discipline? See, if he truly could never get a handle on the way he feels, then he should have gotten into a fight with this dude anyway. However, he did not. He had quickly rationalized that as pissed off as he was that his drink spilled thanks to this burly dude, it would be a lot better for everyone (everyone being himself) if he just sat back down, enjoyed his drink, and maybe ordered another. Self-discipline is a skill we can all master. You don't have to wait for an intense situation like the one I just described for you to realize that you can and should control the way you deal with your emotions. You can make this a constant thing in your life by practicing making space between you and your emotions and thoughts. We will get into this later. The first step is to own your feels. Don't blame others for them. Not even if the way you feel seems to be directly caused by what someone else did or said or didn't do or say. Self-discipline does not just apply to deal with negative emotions. You have to be able to handle strong ones, too! Have you ever fallen in love? I know I have. I remember when I was much younger, I would be so taken by the love that I would not do the stuff I needed to do. I'd let things get way too close to the deadline before I lifted a finger.

See, I knew what I had to do, but I also knew that Tracy had the gorgeous smile and the most glorious lips I had ever kissed, and all I could think about was our next date so I could kiss those lips right off her face. I'm sure you may have had a time like that when you were overwhelmed with "good feels." Maybe it wasn't love. Maybe it was the fact that you had just booked a trip so you could finally go on vacation, and you were so distracted by that that you'd rather spend time daydreaming about it, rather than doing your work. With self-discipline, you can actually channel your emotions so that you get an outcome that is beneficial to one and all. Say you saw someone do something wrong to another person, or to you, even. Rather than retaliate, explode, rant, and rave about the injustice of it all, you could allow the emotions to empower you to take steps to make sure that the situation does not happen again. You might even be inspired to take up the cause of others who went through what you went through so that you can create lasting, positive change for one and all!

How to Develop Emotional Self Discipline There are so many ways for you to become a lot more disciplined with your emotions. What I'm going to teach you right now is a very effective technique called Making Space. Now you need to understand that this technique will only be effective if you put in the work! You cannot simply read this section, then say to yourself, "Ah, got it. I'm a boss at this already," then not practice until you happen to be hit with overwhelming emotions! You need to practice daily and consistently. You only need to do this three times a day, three minutes each time.

Making Space The first thing to keep in mind when it comes to this technique is the assumption that you always imagine meaning. You imagine stuff means or implies other stuff. Yes, a lot of the time, these "imaginings" are actually pretty sound and logical, and they help you be more effective in moving through your day to day. For instance, you imagine if you hear the doorbell ring, then there must definitely be someone out there waiting for you to answer. You imagine if you look at the time and it is 5 p.m., then that implies it's time to go home. You imagine as you read these words in this book, that they mean exactly what I'm telling you that they mean. You're always imagining. Important Phrase #1: I Always Imagine "This" Means " That" The next thing to keep in mind is that just because you think it, or imagine it, does not mean it is true! I know this will be a hard one to swallow, but you've got to be open-minded here. For instance, you see a lion, you know for a fact that it's going to eat you, right? However, that is not necessarily true. Tell that to the Lion Man, or the people who run a certain safari in Africa where the lions come over and play with you. Maybe you walked into a room, and everyone suddenly went quiet. Your first thought could be, "Ah! I knew it! They were talking about me. I bet they were saying all sorts of vicious things!" Maybe. Or, it could be that when you walked in, all conversation stopped because you looked so drop-dead gorgeous!

Or maybe they've been hearing such wonderful things about you that when you walked into the room, everyone took a moment to acknowledge you respectfully. Or, maybe you walked into the room right when there was a lull in the conversation — you know, that phenomenon in a crowded room when everyone suddenly goes quiet for a moment for no reason. You may have heard someone use the phrase, "An angel just passed" in this situation. Important Phrase #2: What I Imagine About This is Not Necessarily True Here's the third thing to keep in mind: You get to decide what you want to make out of what you just saw, heard, or felt. You get to choose! Why? Because you're not what you just saw, heard, or felt. You are a separate entity. Nothing is happening to you without your say so. You might be tempted to get mad when people apologize to you by saying, "I'm sorry you feel upset about this," or "I'm sorry this you feel sad about this," but the truth is you are the one choosing your reaction! It's just that for the longest time, ever since birth, in fact, we have been conditioned to believe that emotions are not something you can control. You can control them. The keyword is controlling, not repress, not ignore. So you get to decide the meaning you glean from what you see, hear, or feel — all of which often lend themselves to your emotional state. Important Phrase #3: I Can Imagine a More Beneficial Meaning for Myself and Others With all of that said, and with those important phrases in mind, let us move on to the Making Space technique.

Doing Space Exercises You must do exercises 1 to 3 this three times a day for three minutes each time. Practicing this consistently will help you carry over the making space habit to other more important areas of your life. Do 1 exercise a day, and cycle through them. Exercises 3 and 4 should be done as the opportunities present themselves to you on a daily basis. Print these exercises out and keep them somewhere you can read them often, to remember. You could also set alerts on your phone to remind you to do them. Exercise 1: For Visual Triggers 1. Take a look at various objects around you: Your mouse, your purse, phone, or fan. 2. When you look at each object, notice how meaning immediately floods your mind. For instance, you look at your mouse and assume it is supposed to work with your computer. You look at your purse and assume it's to hold money and other important cards. You look at your phone and assume it is for calling and connecting with others, among other things. You look at the fan and assume it is for stirring the air around. 3. Now, look at each object again, and assume you've never seen it before, and have no clue what it's for. As you look at each one, gently tell yourself, "This doesn't mean what I imagine it means." You might feel like you're lying, but it's true.

4. Now imagine up various other possible meanings of each object. Here's why I say it's not a lie to tell yourself nothing means what you imagine it does: You could easily use your mouse as a weapon to hit someone over the head with, or your purse to store some candy and fried fish, or your phone as a slim brick to wedge a door firmly shut, or your fan as a hanger for wet clothes. Exercise 2: For Auditory Triggers 1. Sit down, and pay attention to the various sounds you hear. 2. When you notice each sound, notice the way meaning immediately floods your mind about what it is. Even if it's someone talking, notice the way you immediately translate it, so it means something. 3. Listen to each sound as though you've never heard it before now, and let the thought occur to you, "This doesn't mean what I imagine it means." 4. Now, imagine up various other meanings each sound could possibly have. Maybe what you think is a generator is a spaceship! Maybe the barking dog is some weird type of hammer. Have fun with this. Exercise 3: For Tactile Triggers 1. Close your eyes, and then touch random objects around you, and pay attention to the way that they feel. 2. When you notice each sensation, notice the way you immediately interpret them in your mind as smooth, soft, cold,

Sticky, or my least favorite when it's my turn to do the dishes: gross. I recommend you try touching something you'd find gross if you can find it. 3. Now touch each thing, imagining you've never touched them before. Really feel what they feel like to the touch, as you tell yourself, "This doesn't mean what I imagine it means." (Please don't try this with hot or dangerous objects. They are hot and dangerous, and will defeat the purpose of this exercise.) 4. Now imagine up various other possibilities for what each thing you're feeling could be. Maybe the really rough texture of your bag is actually a snake! Sit with that one for a minute. Maybe the wire of your charger is a worm. Play with this. Exercise 4: Noticing the Thought This exercise is all about creating space between you and your thoughts. 1. When you have a thought about something or someone, deliberately come up with an opposite thought. Be open to this new thought. 2. Just as you felt your original thought was justified, you're going to justify this opposite thought by deliberately coming up with reasons it's equally true. 3. Now say to yourself, "I can choose the thought that benefits me and others."

Exercise 5: Noticing the Feeling This exercise entails putting some space between you and your emotions. With that space, you get to choose what meaning you imagine about the thing that made you feel as you did. You can choose a meaning that will be to the benefit of others and yourself as well. 1. When you have a negative feeling about something or someone, take a moment to acknowledge the feeling. For example, you might be feeling like you're not good enough to try out for a certain position at work. 2. Now, put that feeling into words, saying, "I'm not good enough." 3. Next, we're going to rephrase that by saying, "I notice I'm having a thought that I'm not good enough." Or, "I notice that I'm having thoughts that make me feel I'm not good enough." 4. Now, gently remind yourself, "This does not mean what I imagine it means." 5. Finally, come up with other reasons why you feel the way you do. Maybe you skipped breakfast and missed lunch. Maybe you just need a nap. Maybe you need to drink some water or take a walk. Maybe the anxiety you feel is actually excitement! They both elicit the same physiological reaction. Perhaps you've simply been thinking of and feeling this all wrong. As you do these exercises, you will find yourself slowing down whenever something triggers you.

You will find that there is some space between the occurrence of the trigger and your reaction. In that space, you will find the power to exercise selfdiscipline. You will be able to mentally distance yourself from what's going on, so that you have a bird's eye view of things, and can choose the best course of action each time. These exercises are simple. They seem silly, but they are incredibly powerful. The only way to unleash this power in your life is through daily practice. Otherwise, these are only words in a book, and nothing more. To help you, imagine a different meaning about yourself: Imagine that you're the sort of person who always does this. Imagine you're the kind of person who has no problems following through with exercises, and that you've always gotten amazing results. You're welcome! 

Chapter Three: Leadership and Emotional Intelligence Before we can talk about emotional intelligence as it relates to leadership, we've got to cover all that leadership is about — or at least, as much as we can. Every year, there are hundreds and hundreds of new books, articles, and blogs on leadership. Everyone has an opinion on what it means to be a true leader. Also, there are so many different theories on leadership. This just makes things so complicated! Outside of books, defining leadership is really not that hard. It's basically any circumstance that has you requiring someone else to carry out whatever action you want them to. On the other side of the coin is followership. You may fancy yourself a leader, but are you really one if people won't agree to follow you, or allow you to influence them? Now, there is also the chance that you may not think you're a leader, but if you've ever had to convince someone, maybe your kids, or spouse, or neighbors, or colleagues to do things a certain way, then you definitely are one. You don't have to be at work or be a president or CEO or head pastor before you can tag yourself a leader.

Emotional Intelligence at Work The thing about most companies and organizations is that everyone needs everyone else to do their job so that they can also get stuff done.

More often than not, you don't have any form of authority over the people who you need to help you. That said, in every workplace, there are those who often manage to rope others into helping them. There are also those who never get any favors from anyone. This is where emotional intelligence can come in to save the day. If you want others to help you, then it helps to up your emotional intelligence. Your emotional skills will be one of the deciding factors in whether or not you get chosen to lead, too. Leadership is not about barking out orders and issuing ultimatums. You need to learn how to manage interpersonal relationships effectively. You need to have positive, optimistic energy. You need to have empathy, as well. These are among the attributes of an effective leader at work.

No Follower? No Leader If you're going to lead, then you've got to have followers. Even if it's just one person. You need to learn the important stuff, like how to get them to pay attention, how to give them very clear directives, so they know what they need to do, and how to monitor them. If you're an effective leader, people listen to you. They will come to you for advice or your opinion. You'll have no problems getting them to change their attitudes and behaviors. They will look to you for information and will find you to be a trustworthy confidant. You can't be a leader without being credible. It is this credibility that encourages others to give you the respect you rightly deserve.

However, this credibility happens over time, as you make promises, you keep and follow through on your decisions. Sure, there will be times you have to break your commitments, but to be a credible leader, at those times, you offer your followers a clear and honest explanation. Also, it's really tough to lead people if they feel like you don't give a rat's rhymes-with-class about them. It's only natural to mistrust people who do not care about you. This is where you need emotional intelligence by practicing empathy. The more empathetic you are to others and their needs, the more likely they will listen to you and cooperate with you. If you want to grow in empathy, you must always pay attention to those working with you. See what it is your colleagues are interested in outside of work. Always show them that you understand what they're trying to say, by reflecting your understanding of their concerns back to them. When you're done, make sure that what you've reflected back to them is accurate by checking in with them. Let them know you're very interested in their welfare at work and outside of work, including their families and friends. Also, do your best not to put the spotlight on yourself. Do all of this, and you'll earn their trust, as well as their respect.

Getting Others to Work with You Once you have managed to secure other people's attention and trust, it's time to get them to want to work with you. Usually, people will do what serves them best. This is only natural. Want to get someone to do something you want? Then you need to let them know what they stand to gain from doing that.

It doesn't matter what the benefit might be. It could be your support in something else that they need, or even deepening the bond ad camaraderie between you two, which would serve you both later on. Coercing people into helping you does no one any good. You want them to want to help you out. The way to earn this willingness on their part to work with you is to support and help them in their own endeavors, and also be positive and likable. Being likable is not something everyone finds easy to do, but you can stay open and be willing to learn, so you can win your colleagues and followers over to your side. You're going to need some measure of emotional intelligence to make it. Here are a few key things to allow you to win others over: You must have self-regard. This means you know what your strengths are, and you're also well aware of your weaknesses. You must become a selfaware person. This way, you won't become someone who is arrogant. It's good to be confident, but you must also watch it, so your confidence does not stray into the prideful territory. People love helping those who have some humility. You must be optimistic. Optimism is attractive. So is happiness. There has lately been a bandwagon of people going on and on about how optimism and happiness are toxic, and that people need to just sit in whatever bad feelings they're currently mired in and just stew there without having to apologize for it or change it. Well, whatever they think optimism and happiness are, is a far cry from true optimism.

I'm not suggesting you should remain in a permanent Pollyanna state. I am saying that just like you can make working out and getting fit a goal, you can make optimism and happiness goals, too. You can deliberately seek out reasons to be optimistic and happy. Can't find any reason? That's perfect! You've got a chance to make those reasons happen. That said, people who are optimistic will have an easier time getting others to cooperate with them. They know how to make others realize how it's really for their own good that they get on board with them on whatever project they're working on. I don't know a single person who would rather put everything on the line for someone who is an utter pessimist, do you? No, you don't. Don't kid yourself. You must be happy. Look, happiness pulls people over to your side. It's like it makes them think, I"I don't know what you're on, but I want me some of that!" If working with you means they get to share in some of that happy, they'll do it. No one likes to be unhappy — not even those who are on Team Wallow-In-Sadness. So how exactly can you become a leader who is optimistic and happy? First of all, make it a point of duty always to see the best in people and situations, no matter how difficult they appear. Keep your mind focused on solutions, not problems. It does not take a genius to point out what's going wrong. The real genius is constantly seeking out and finding solutions. Another thing you should make a habit of is letting people know what their strengths are. Tell them! It says to them that you have noticed them, and you have been paying attention to their work. It says you care, and that you trust them to handle stuff, and you appreciate them.

Try it, and see whether they won't go to bat for you the next time you ask them for a favor or to do something. Finally, when it comes to failures, don't let them weigh you down. Instead, choose to see them as lessons, which you can glean insight from that will allow you to do better and succeed in the future. Your colleagues and subordinates watch you as their leader closely, and they take their cues from you. If you let every failure beat you down, you will not inspire confidence in your abilities as a leader, and you will find it that much more difficult to secure their attention, let alone their respect.

The Four Pillars of Effective Workplace Leadership Be centered. Be grounded. If you're going to lead effectively, you must center and ground yourself. People must see that your mood is stable, even when the crapola hits the fan. You must have high self-regard, knowing your weaknesses and strengths; balance your personal and work life; be straightforward, and keep your cool under pressure. How does emotional intelligence tie into this? You must display social responsibility by caring about others. You must be able to handle stress effectively, not allowing it to get the better of you and cause you to be rash in your reactions or decisions. You must have control of your impulses, and then there's that big O word again: you must be optimistic. Be proactive. You must be quick to make solid decisions and take action. In your decision making, think about other people's stances on the matter at hand, and then make a decision that takes all these views into account.

Once you decide, be swift in your execution and be dogged in your determination to see it through, no matter what stands in the way. Here is where emotional intelligence comes to play, as well. An emotionally intelligent leader will be assertive, always making her or his intentions known to all. The emotionally intelligent leader is independent. They can figure out all the alternatives available to them and be proactive about choosing their options. Also, they're optimistic. They know what their goal is, and they are confident that they will do all they can and make that goal happen. Encourage participation. An emotionally intelligent leader understands that leadership is not about sitting in the big fancy corner office and dishing out impersonal memos instructing their staff to do this, that, and the other. They also know leadership isn't moving from cubicle to cubicle, barking instructions at everyone. No one likes to be told what to do, even if they're getting paid for it. Also, no matter how much you're paying your staff, no one would want to do anything with you or for you if you cannot find a way to pass across your message without sounding like an asshole. So encourage your people to want to be involved by telling them the answer to the question they don't always voice but always ask: What's in it for me? As an emotionally intelligent leader, you need to be able to get people actively involved in your plans, so that they can feel like they're really a meaningful part of it all. If they feel like they are a meaningful part, then they will be even more inspired and motivated to do all they can to make your plan succeed.

You must also be adept at listening and communicating. This is not about simply waiting your turn to speak, or issuing a string of directives in a mellifluous manner. It's about being attuned to even the slightest of objections, requests, and ideas, and dealing with them in a way that works for everyone. You must also learn how to set people at ease, by encouraging others to speak their minds with no consequences, giving them credit where it's due, and owning your own mistakes, as well as the mistakes made by your team or company. Finally, you should be able to get others to throw their weight fully behind your decisions. That means you must hear everyone out, and then find a way to get everyone to come to an agreement. There's always one thread that ill connects everyone, so they agree. Do this, and then make decisions based on that mutual agreement. The attributes of emotional intelligence that you will need to encourage participation include the ability to nurture interpersonal relationships, the ability to control your impulse, and projecting honest happiness. Be tough. The best leaders are tough. They're resilient, no matter what they face. They always find a way to pull through. This is because they possess certain emotionally intelligent attributes, such as self-regard, impulse control, and the ability to tolerate stress.

Chapter Four: Social Skills and Emotional Intelligence Social skills are vital. These are the skills that allow us to interact and communicate with others, verbally, and non-verbally as well. That's right; communication is more than just words. You can communicate and build rapport with others through your physical appearance, gestures, and body language. As humans, we are very sociable. We have come up with so many different ways to say what we mean to others around us. A lot of what we do say comes down to the verbal language we use, and the way we use said language, in terms of volume, tone, and choice of words. There are other factors at play when it comes to communicating, though. They can be pretty over the top, or subtle. Some people are better at social interactions than others. It's for this reason that there has been a lot of research into interpersonal interactions and how they work. When you develop social skills, you automatically become more aware of the way you interact and communicate with the people around you. You're more aware of the sort of messages you send out, the different ways you can communicate those messages, and how you can do better in interacting with people so that our message is communicated effectively, and efficiently.

Why You Need Social Skills You need social skills to develop more quality relationships with others. The better you are able to interact with others, the more friendships and relationships you will have, which could improve the quality of your life overall. You should take the time to improve your social skills, as you would naturally have more charisma as you do. Charisma is one trait that really draws people in. You'll notice that charismatic people have no problems attracting attention and holding it, or rallying people to their cause. The fact of the matter is that you can only go so far without having quality, dependable interpersonal relationships. It's how you get that job you want, on account of the fact that you've been so nice to Maurice, whose niece works in the investment banking sector and whose company happens to be looking for a new clerk or investment banker or whatever. It's how you get to meet Brian, whose best friend Jonathan has a beautiful sister who's been searching for a new beau. Social skills absolutely matter! Taking time to work on them can help you have more satisfaction and happiness in your life and have you feeling optimistic about your future. Also, the more quality friendships and relationships you have, the more of a boost your self-esteem will get, and as a bonus, you'll be a lot better at dealing with stress. You need social skills to be better at communication. The fact is that you can only deal with others when you can communicate clearly.

When you have to relate to other people and do work in large numbers, you'll naturally see your communication skills improve. It's just something you cannot do without — not if you hope to be able to pass across your ideas and thoughts as clearly as you can to others. Social skills are great for improving your time efficiency. I don't know anyone who wants to deliberately spend time with people who make them feel like crap; do you? This is why you should hone your social skills. The better you are at being social, the easier you'll find it to escape being with people who just suck the life out of you, since you will have options. The truth is that there are those who do not enjoy social interactions, not they are bad people, but because more often than not, they find themselves in the company of those who have viewpoints that are so very different from theirs. That's why you find it's not so hard or bad when you go to an event or a meeting where you already know some of the people who are attending. Whenever you find yourself being forced to socialize with Karen, who you absolutely do not like because she never has anything good to say and always wants to "speak to the manager," your social skills can save you. You will be able to tell her as politely as possible that you need to go mingle with others without feeling awkward or apologetic about it. Finely honed social skills give you great career prospects. The fact of the matter is that you are not Dr. Gregory House, MD. You don't get to have everything go your way and have your boss kiss your tushy because you're oh so good at work,

but when it comes to people, you're just the sarcastic spawn of Satan. Any job that has a big cashola will require that you be good with people too. It's just the way the world works. You will have to interact with others, bosses, colleagues, and sometimes the media. So you cannot afford to be bad at being social. Now, don't get me wrong, every now and then you have someone who is often on their own in the office and still does amazingly well. For the most part, companies are interested in hiring people who can work with a team and get people motivated and inspired to get stuff done. Social skills will help you improve your happiness overall. This is not a stretch. If you have social skills, you find it easier to connect with people. You find it easy to understand them and to make yourself open enough that they understand you as well. As you get along with more and more people, you will find the doors open to you in your personal life and in your career as well. Do not underestimate how much awesomeness can come into your life simply because you now have the skills and courage to be the one to start a conversation. This could lead to a better job with more dollars to burn on that weird hobby of yours that we won't tell grandma about. All you need to do is make eye contact, smile, and dare to say hello first, and you just might be friends with the guy who's friends with the gal who's friends with Warren Buffet. Look at you, rubbing shoulders with the social and financial elite!

Traits of Social Skills 1. They are directed at specific goals. 2. The behaviors of great social skills are interconnected, meaning you could use several of them at the same time to reach the same goal. 3. Social skills, when properly developed, will always suit the situation. For instance, you would not communicate with your boss or colleagues at work the same way you would with your lover or best friend. 4. Social skills are basically a set of behaviors that allow you find out just how adept one is at socializing with others. 5. They can be taught, and you can learn them with continuous practice. 6. You can cognitively control your social skills, and you should. This means you should learn when is the best time to employ certain behaviors, as well as how to use said behaviors.

Social Skills and Emotional Intelligence Social skills really have a lot going on, but we're now going to focus on them within the context of being emotionally intelligent. In this case, we're talking about the ability to deal with other people's feelings as effectively as possible and to influence said feelings as needed. I realize that this may come off sounding like manipulation, but it's really not that devious.

I'm talking about basic things like knowing if you smile at someone, they will smile back, and that would put them in a much more positive frame of mind to have a conversation with you about whatever. Social skills are a vital part of emotional intelligence. Circling back to what emotional intelligence is all about, you've got to know your own feelings. That means being self-aware. You also need to know how to manage them. That's self-regulation. Finally, you need to know how to channel those emotions to achieve the things you desire in life. That is selfmotivation. You see, the second you're able to get a handle on yourself, then you will find it that much easier to understand why others feel the way that they do. That is empathy. Also, you will have the ability to influence them as needed — and this is where social skills come to play in the field of emotional intelligence.

What Skills are Social? When it comes to social skills, there are quite a number of them. Let's look into each one right now. The skill of persuasion and influence. Let's talk about persuasion. This is basically the very fine art of getting others excited, and rallying them over to your side, so that they are on board with your proposals or ideas. Study a persuasive person closely, and you will notice how influential they are. You'll notice that they have a knack for reading the room in terms of emotion, no matter the circumstance. You'll notice that they can tailor whatever they're saying so that whoever is listening can relate and is nodding their head right along with every word. The skill of communication. There is no such thing as an emotionally intelligent person with terrible communication skills. They are vital. You need to learn how to listen to other people, as well as pass along your own thoughts, ideas, and chief of all, your feelings. Feelings matter. Normal folk connects to them on a visceral level, and there is no better way to persuade another than to connect with them emotionally. This is why the professional communicator is great at establishing empathy and drawing in people with stories. A great communicator always listens. They go beyond listening to make sure

they actually understand what they are being told. They're all for being completely open and sharing information; no holds barred. As an emotionally intelligent communicator, you're open and ready to hear out people who have issues. You're not going to shut someone down just because they aren't telling you good news. You have no problems handling issues as soon as they crop up, and you never allow a problem time to brew into something more complicated. You have no problems picking up on emotional cues as you interact with others, and you act and respond based on those cues so that your message stays on point and remains appropriate for the circumstances. The skill of conflict management. Conflicts are as old as humanity. They've been happening, and they will keep happening, and there is not a darned thing we could do to stop them from coming up. Yes, they can be quite annoying, especially as they seem to come out of nowhere, but you simply must learn to handle them efficiently.

There is an art to handling and putting an end to the conflict, whether it's at work or at home. First, you must learn how to be tactful and diplomatic, if you ever hope to be able to defuse dicey, potentially explosive conflicts. As an emotionally intelligent conflict manager, you know how to draw out festering disagreements buried beneath the surface, and resolve them once and for all. You're open to allowing people to share their feelings. You encourage and welcome open discussion and debate so that there is never any room for problems to remain hidden. You help each party in the conflict to understand the way the other person thinks and feels. Above all else, you seek out solutions that are win-win. The skill of leadership. I am well aware that it might strike you as quite odd that leadership skills fall under social skills. After all, emotional intelligence should be part of leadership! It shouldn't be a leadership that is a part of emotional intelligence. Well, I understand why you would think that, but here's the answer to that: They're both interconnected. You cannot have one without the other. If you are in tune with your own emotions, then you'll naturally be in tune with the emotions of others, and this will allow you to be able to influence them as needed. Now, to be a good leader, you must be willing and able to influence others. This means carrying others along because they not only let you carry them along, but they were willing to go along with you. You may have heard this referred to as charisma. However, it is more than charisma. What is shows emotional intelligence at its finest.

As a great leader, you will have no problems being able to clearly state your vision and get others excited about it right along with you. You won't feel the need to be in an actual, formally designated leadership role before you can lead. You have no problem giving support from your colleagues, guiding them as needed, while keeping them accountable. As an emotionally intelligent leader, you know there is only one way to lead: By example. The skill of change management. As an effective change catalyst or change manager, you are able to effect changes while making sure the people who will be affected by those changes are not alienated or left behind. Let's be honest: Change is stressful. This is understandable. That being said, if you're an emotionally intelligent change catalyst, then you know how to make the change seem less like a threat and more like an exciting adventure or opportunity for the people to embrace. You are able to help them see that this change really is necessary. You get them so fired up about it that all their defenses against the change you're about to effect come crumbling down. You have no problems rocking the boat, and you're all for the fresh and the new. You champion change, leading everyone at the very front of the battle line, showing yourself to be a role model of the change so that others can emulate you. The skill of rapport or building bonds. Bonds are vital. They are how you establish relationships with others and keep those relationships going. You've got to have this skill if you want the quality of your relationships at home and at work to be better.

If you want to get ahead in life, then you must learn how to build and maintain rapport. Those who are great at this often are the very best at networking. They have no issues creating a powerful network of connections and contacts. If you're emotionally intelligent, not only do you create new bonds, you also know that it is important for you to feed the relationships you already have so that they stay strong and healthy. If you want to know someone who is great at doing this, look for someone who has a lot of friends that they work with. The skill of rapport involves holding others in high esteem, caring about them, developing a keen interest in them, and a hunger to know more about what they care about. The skill of cooperation and collaboration or teamwork. Not everyone is great at working with others. However, it would serve them greatly if they could try to learn how to get along. When you can work with others, you have no qualms creating a great working and social relationships, which are extremely productive and mutually beneficial as well. This is a solid social skill to have when it comes to emotional intelligence. You must come to realize that the people you're dealing with are just as important as what you're working on. When you're a cooperative, collaborative, emotionally intelligent individual, you're okay with sharing ideas and plans. You know that with teamwork — how does that cliché go again? — You can make the dream work. So you're more than willing to do whatever it takes to create a situation that allows everyone to share. You want everyone to be able and willing to contribute their thoughts and ideas. You actively look for the chance to work together with others.

Teams perform a lot better when you have a bunch of people who are great at working together. These people are the glue that holds the whole team and project together, actively reaching out to the other members to get them involved and have everyone collaborate to create magic together. Thanks to these people, the teams they are in will develop an identity, and the spirit of commitment will grow more and more. They could do this as leaders, or as subordinates. One way or another, these people are the reason any team will achieve success. Social skills and emotional intelligence are intricately connected. That's not to say that emotional intelligence begins or ends with social skills. It's more of a cycle. At the core of this cycle is you. Once you understand yourself and you can regulate yourself and your feelings, they you will have no problems working and interacting effectively with the people around you.

Chapter Five: Analyzing People Being able to analyze people is extremely important, and an integral part of being emotionally intelligent. If you do not know how to "read the room," you'll always be sticking your foot in it. There's no way around that. If you do know how to read the room, or read individuals, then you will know exactly how to craft your message so that it is more effective. In addition to that, you will be a lot less offended at people when they do things that would ordinarily trigger you since you'd know that their behavior has very little to do with you and more to do with them. So let's get right into the business of analyzing people.

Body Language This is one of the easiest ways you can read another person. Just observe the way they carry themselves, the way they move, and the manner in which they speak, and it can tell you volumes about them. Now you're not going to know every little thing like the time they stole a cookie from the cookie jar when they were 5, but you will be able to have considerable insight into their motivations and how they are likely to respond to certain scenarios. To become great at reading other people's body language, you should begin to notice your own. This means becoming self-aware — no,

it does not mean you should become so uncomfortable in your own skin that you don't know what to do with your limbs anymore. Body Language and Cultures You have to understand that we're all different, and we all come from different backgrounds and cultures. This means just because someone is standing a certain way does not mean you automatically know what they are thinking or feeling. Body language is not a one-size-fits-all thing. In some cultures, modesty is important. This means there will be little to no body contact. Other cultures may be very touchy-feely. This does not mean that when someone from such a culture touches you, they are flirting with you. So always keep this in mind. Observing Movement The more observant you are of body movement and their possible meanings, the better you will become at studying them as you interact with people around you. You will notice that everyone uses their bodies in different ways to communicate. You'll notice that some people are more open than others. As you study yourself and others, you should try to be as natural as possible. No one is hyper-aware of what they're doing with their bodies all the time. That being said, you will pick up on some very interesting things,

like whether a person is feeling confident if they're maybe embellishing that story about how they fought off a tiger and a grizzly bear with their bare hands at the same time… Although common sense should tell you they're probably lying, or a little bit nuts. You might even notice that one person you always assumed was so sure of themselves actually isn't all that confident. This could give you a leg up when you need to persuade them to see things your way. Reading body language can help you figure out what's really going on with someone, as well as how to hold yourself in certain situations. For instance, you could model the confidence that your boss exudes when they hold meetings when you decide to ask for extra vacation time or a raise or something. Make friends with a mirror. As you eat, watch TV, or hang out with your friends, watch the way you carry yourself, and compare that against the way your friends are carrying themselves. It's All in the Eyes Eye contact is a biggie when analyzing people. You can use it to find out what's really happening behind the scenes. You will also need to be aware of the way you use your own eyes before you get adept at reading others through theirs. If someone maintains eye contact with you, it shows that they are heavily invested in you and/or whatever it is you're saying at that point in time, and you have their complete attention.

Eye contact can also be overdone. Think of the times when your dear friend Scarlett whose eyes are always all over the place, suddenly held your eyes with hers without blinking as she said, "No, I didn't eat the pot brownies," with her very sincere face and very, very red eyes. Also, excessive eye contact can be an attempt at intimidation. How can you tell the difference? Well, it all comes down to context. If you're a boxer about to start a match and the other dude is looking you in the eyes, it's not because he wants to kiss you, believe me. So don't kiss him back. You might just get a black eye sooner than you anticipated. If you're talking to someone and they seem to be a bit uncomfortable, check with yourself to be sure you're not staring right into their soul. You can reduce their nervousness by pulling back and looking elsewhere every now and then in your conversation. Unless you just enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. Shame on you! A surefire way to tell that someone is actually into whatever you're saying is observing their pupils. Some people know the basics of eye contact, and can hold it, with the intention of making you feel they're paying attention. I hesitate to say this is a trick I used back in school with my teachers, and I hardly ever got called to answer anything. How could I? I was always so attentive! Or so it seemed. So if you want to be sure someone is really paying attention, look for dilated pupils. The more dilated they are, the more attentive and truly interested they are. Are you talking to someone with shifty eyes? Do their eyes appear to move back and forth as they speak?

Unless they have some sort of physical condition that causes that, they're probably trying hard to make you think they're paying attention. However, they're zoning out and zoning out hard. Now I can't help but wonder if my teachers would have seen my eyes get shifty had they known this! Another explanation for shifty eyes is that the person you're speaking with could be lying to you or deceiving you one way or another. Then there's another set of devious, manipulative people who may want you to assume that they're lying about something… Deliberately. Watch Your Mouth The mouth gives away a lot as well, and I'm not talking about words here. If you see someone with their lips pursed, they're probably trying to focus on something. Or maybe they just bit into a lemon and are trying to restrain their natural reaction. Another possibility is that they have sensitive teeth, and are having a really bad episode at the moment. I know I used to have to suffer this as a kid. Another thing the mouth does is smile. Smiles can tell you a lot. If you notice someone smiling at you, and there is no crease at the eye corners, then they are faking it. That's not necessarily a bad thing. They might just be a tad distracted and unable to give you complete attention. Or they might be feeling uncomfortable and desperately seeking to ease the tension that they feel. On a subconscious level, like dogs and monkeys, we sometimes show our teeth as a way to threaten the other person if we feel threatened by ourselves.

Again, this is all subconscious. In the same vein, sometimes people smile because they feel nervous, and are trying to soothe that feeling away. Notice someone covering their mouth? Unless they've got some spinach stuck in their teeth, they might be nervous. Other things nervous people do is bite their lips, lick them continuously (be careful, they may just have really dry lips!), or cover their mouth with a fist. It helps to know if someone is feeling tense, nervous, or uncomfortable from these signs, as you will know how to interact with them to elicit the reaction you need. This, again, does not imply negative manipulation. For instance, you could notice someone does not feel particularly happy from their body language, and then you could do or say something that you know would elevate their spirits. The Head If you notice someone nodding quickly as you speak, they may be feeling a tad anxious and want to end the conversation ASAP. They're trying to get you to speak faster. So speed it up! If you're talking to someone and they tilt their head to one side or the other, it could be that they are really interested in hearing you speak some more. It means they want you to keep going! If the tilt is accompanied by the squinting of the eyes, then they probably do not agree with a point you just made, or they're mulling it over, or they have a question because they're not clear on where you're going with what you're saying. If you notice that the nods you're getting seem mechanical, they just want you to think they are interested and paying attention, but they really are not. It could also be that they simply do not understand a word you're saying,

so maybe you should switch topics to something less complicated than astrophysics, or let them be on their merry way. If the person you're speaking with is mirroring the movements of your head, then they are definitely into what you're saying. In fact, if you want to persuade someone to see things your way, mimic their head movements! It is also a show of empathy, especially if what they're saying is difficult for them. Arms and Hands Hands say a whole lot! Notice that your favorite TED Talk speakers or inspirational speakers use their hands a lot, and this keeps them fascinating. Arms show how open or closed off someone is. If they're crossed in front of the body, their arms don't need a spot to rest, and it is not chilly, then that person is closed off and not interested in the conversation. If they're just resting their arms, they will be loosely crossed. See someone with their arms raised up or stretched out? That person is wide open. Or they may be trying to show dominance in the room by taking up more space. The same goes with hands on the hips. It's a posture that says, "I'm taking charge of me, and I'm not to be trifled with!" Signs There are other ways you can read people. If you see someone is sitting on the sofa at a party, looking like they're about to crash, well, that's obviously a sign that they'd like to check out of the party, or at least they'd like to find a spot to sleep. Someone who is still chatty and laughing it up is definitely not ready to call it a night.

Do your best to watch people, and try to find out what's going on from the signs they give. See a couple, and you noticed that one reached out to the other, but they pulled back? That's a definite signal that there is trouble in paradise. Let Them Speak First When you're alone with someone, don't start the conversation. Let them begin. The way they begin talking to you will tell you a lot about who they are. Some of them might adjust something on their outfit before they do, or clear their throat, or fidget a bit, all signs that they are nervous. Do they start with a full-on smile, eye contact, and a bright, cheery "Hey?" Then this is a confident gal or fella. When you join them in conversation, notice how you do so. Notice whether or not you're feeling nervous, and notice how that translates in the way you speak and carry yourself. I suggest you simply speak, without fidgeting, doing the head turn and pause, or clearing your throat. This might catch them off guard. See how they react to that. If you're going to be influential and persuasive, then the way you begin a conversation matters a whole lot. It will set the tone for how the rest of the conversation will go. If you're having trouble starting, then I can guarantee you will have trouble convincing them to pay attention to you or see things your way. Once the conversation is underway, make sure you lead it, but don't be too obvious. Let there be some back and forth, but don't let them say much, not before you make your own points.

If you're talking to someone who won't let you get a word in edgewise, then you could interrupt them with a phrase like, "Can I just jump in really quick?" Or, "Could I just have a minute to say something?" be very polite in your tone, of course. There will be people who might assume you're rude, so you could add a gentle touch to the upper forearm, along with an apologetic smile. Also, lean in subtly. This shows that one way or another, the answer to your question is yes, and they will subconsciously give in and let you finish. Be careful not to keep interrupting them every time, though, or I promise you that smile, and touch will get really old really fast. Know that there are times when you should just let them finish, and then you can say what you want to say. This way, you're really paying attention, and they can feel it. The way to get comfortable starting and leading conversations are to speak up simply. If you're the kind of person who has things to say but just keeps quiet because other people are talking over you, then that ends today. Speak up every time you have something to say. This is how you get better at conversation. Let's Talk About Verbal Cues Just because someone says, a string of words does not mean that they mean what you think they mean. We don't always say what we really mean to say. Sometimes it's because we can't be bothered to speak. Other times it's because it's just too hard for us, emotionally speaking. Trying to figure out another person's motives for saying what they say can be quite the conundrum. However, you don't necessarily need to have every single detail before you find out what they mean.

You can listen to what they say, as well as what they're not saying. That means watching their body language and being on the lookout for verbal cues. Do this, so you don't have to worry that you might say something inappropriate because you misread them. A great exercise is watching TV in a foreign language. The next time you're on Netflix, set a different language, and just watch with no subtitles. You might be very surprised to find you can actually follow what's going on without the words. You can tell how each character feels, especially if it's a show with good actors and actresses in it. There are certain cues that people give when they want to take charge of a conversation. If you are in the process of persuading them, you could try using certain words to help you get your point across. For instance, you can give emphatic cues. These basically help you do a better job of persuading the other person. Learn how to weave them into your words, so that it all comes out naturally. Here are a few examples: "Let me explain," "this is really important," "you need to know this." these phrases will arrest the attention of whoever you're speaking with. Listen to someone who you know to be persuasive, and observe their speech for any emphatic cues you can borrow when you need to do some persuading of your own. Sometimes these cues are not actual sentences. They're not even words. You might just notice that when someone persuasive speaks, they tend to emphasize certain points by speaking louder, slowing down, or maybe hammering their hand with a fist.

They could repeat the important bits, or they might pause for a bit to allow what they have said to really sink in. Watch the best speakers you can find on YouTube, and you will begin spotting more and more of these cues. Use them in your own everyday life. There are also organizational cues, which you can use in order to help the listener remember your points. They work great in arguments when you absolutely must be persuasive to have your way. Some organizational cues are, "To summarize," "the point is," "first, second, third," and so on. Sometimes these cues are not words. It could be simply bringing the conversation back to a past topic, clearing your throat, or pausing until everyone has gathered their thoughts and has refocused their attention on you. Pitch Matters You've got to be mindful of the pitch you use when you make your points. By pitch, I mean the level and tone of your voice. Some people have a really low tone of voice, and that makes it hard for them to be heard if they don't know how to use it. Some people have such shrill voices that it makes them hard to ignore… And sometimes, hard to keep listening to without getting a migraine! Now, there isn't much you can do about the natural voice pitch you have, but with that said, you can do some things to help you be a lot more interesting so that people really listen to you and all you have to say. If you notice your voice becoming a tad to shrill, whiny, and high, take a beat, clear your throat, and take it down a notch. Believe me when I say everyone will be very thankful to you for being so considerate that you're adjusting the way you speak.

Still on high pitches, when you speak, be definitive. None of that talking like every single sentence is a question? Can it be really annoying? Kind of like how I'm writing this right now? Quit that. It doesn't scream confidence. You want to keep your listeners' attention, then be definitive. End your sentences properly. Never end on a high pitch unless you're asking a question? Okay, okay, I'll cut it out now. If you've got a soft voice, then you might find it hard to be heard. So do your best to practice speaking louder. If you talk too loudly, try to tone it down a bit. People want to hear from you, not go home with a busted eardrum on our account. That said, you don't want to be too analytical about the way that you speak, or you might find yourself talking in fits and bursts, which is no good either. If you talk too fast, then you might need to go a bit slower. If you talk too slow, practice picking up the speed, or you're always going to have people wishing they'd brought their pillow and favorite blanket because you sing one hell of an effective lullaby! No matter your natural pitch, practice infusing your voice with confidence. If you're not certain of the words coming out of your mouth, why should anyone pay you their precious attention? Earn it by learning to speak at the perfect pitch for you, and at the right speed as well. Watch lots of great speakers, and see what you can learn. There's a TED Talk I watched where the lady had a naturally shrill high voice. Guess what, though? I could not stop watching and listening! She held my interest until the end. She used lots of cues, made use of her hands, had an open, expressive demeanor, and a great sense of humor to boot!

That's how you work for a crowd. Don't ever say, "I've got a terrible voice." You can always find a way to make it work for you! Listening I know it can be tempting to go on and on when you're talking with people. It's great to share. However, you can choose to be more of a listener, speaking only when you're going to create a deep, meaningful impact. For the most part, people would rather go on and on about themselves, or just keep talking without letting others get in a word edgewise. I am not suggesting you never speak, or that you should never talk about yourself, but I am telling you if all you talk about is you, sooner or later, you will only ever have an audience of one: Yourself. On that note, you should never offer excessive advice. In fact, don't offer advice that's unsolicited. What should you do instead? Listen. It's challenging to just listen, for a lot of folks, particularly when the person you're speaking to is boring or just keeps going on about themselves. However, you can train your mind always to stay focused on what the other person is saying, as well as how they're saying it. Believe me; people can sense when you're not listening, whether or not they know how to read body language. If you want to grow in emotional intelligence, then you must become willing to soak up the other person and everything they're telling you. There's no better way to do that than to listen actively. By active listening, I mean, not only do you pay attention, but you also ask questions that would help you better understand the person you're speaking with. The best salespeople do this.

They'll listen, and they will ask questions and listen some more. They usually end up making sales, even with the most difficult prospects. The more you listen, the more you will be able to figure out what someone is really about. This can help you in the long run, whether you need to persuade them, or you need to fix things between you both after a bitter argument or something.

Chapter Six: Manipulating People I know you probably cringed when you read the title of this chapter, but the fact is that manipulation is necessary, and it happens all the time. Sometimes it's innocuous, and other times, it's malevolent. When a baby cries, he knows that's the best way to get his parents' attention, so that they can either feed him, wipe his butt clean, or give him that blue rattle toy that they hid because it drives everyone nuts. Sometimes, you'll want to manipulate others for their own good. You see them sad; you want to make them feel better. You see them going down a self-destructive path, and you want them to do a 180. There are all sorts of benefits to learning the art of manipulation. Do you want a raise? You'd better know how best to ask your boss so that you get it. In fact, if you've ever doubled up on your efforts at pleasing your boss by putting in extra time and being more efficient at your job with the intent of getting a promotion and a raise, or you suddenly started plying your girlfriend or boyfriend with gifts of jewelry and flowers and chocolates because you plan to pop the question and you want a yes as a reply, then my friend, you have been incredibly manipulative — but for good! Now, I will not claim to be ignorant of the fact that the information I am about to present in this chapter could be used for evil. This is where I leave you to make that decision. Your moral compass will be your guide. Whatever you do, remember there's a little something called karma, and she never forgives debts.

If you're okay with paying said debts, then use the information in this chapter at your discretion. There's my little disclaimer. Let's move on.

Using Your Body There is a lot your body can achieve. I'm not talking about being able to run 100 miles in 30 seconds or lifting a full-grown tree right out of the earth with your bare hands. I'm talking about using your body to get others to get on board with you. No, I'm not talking about sex in exchange for favors either — although that is one of the oldest tricks in the book. You also do not need to intimidate others with your strength or the threat of ripping their heads open as easy as you would tear into the really soft turkey. Let's get into how you can use your body. It won't work 100 percent of the time, but it will work most times, and that is good enough. When you keep your body open, it sends out a signal that you can be trusted. To keep your body open, make sure you're not crossing your legs or your arms. Make sure your hands are not in your pockets or resting with your palms hidden. Keep them open. Also, if there is any physical object creating a barrier between you and whoever you want to trust you, get it out of the way. Move around it if you have to, so that you can fully connect with them. How often have you found yourself fully appreciative of the clerk who steps around her desk to help you out with whatever difficulty you have? You find yourself willing to trust what she says and take her advice. That's how that works.

Another great thing about keeping your body open and welcoming is that it tells the other person that you're confident in yourself, and you're open to hearing whatever it is they want to say. Also, as you analyze other people and what they're doing with their bodies, you can learn a thing or two about what to do with yours to project this confidence and trustworthiness. This will do wonders for your persuasion and communication skills, as well as your personal magnetism. Smile Smiles are powerful. You could easily take a situation that's going rapidly down the shit creek and turn it around for the better, just by giving a genuine smile. You may be overly concerned about whether your teeth are white enough or straight enough, but contrary to what your dentists would have you believe, none of that crap matters! You ever have seen a baby smile? They don't even have teeth to be worried about! I've also seen a very adorable smile from a 92-year-old man who had more than a few missing, and I have no qualms telling you that he melts my heart every time he smiles! Smiling is not about your teeth. It's about really connecting with other people. Studies and real-life continue to show that whenever you smile at someone, that person will smile. More often than not. Even if they don't feel like it, it immediately makes them think they can trust you, and that if you were to engage them, they should listen. Also, it makes them feel good that you looked all over the room full of people, and chose them to bestow your adorable, heartwarming smile upon!

Psychology You don't need to have majored in psych for you to have some idea of the way the human mind works. You can simply observe others as well as yourself. The more you do, the more you'll learn. You will realize that people act differently based on the way they were brought p and the society they lived in. Another truth is that the so-called pros of human psychology do not get it right all the time! There is still much to be discovered about the human brain and psyche. That said, you can learn more than a few things yourself. Whatever you do learn, please, I implore the good in your heart, do not use another person's psyche as a weapon against them. The whole point of manipulation, persuasion, and influence is not to get people to do things in which you and you alone stand to gain, while they lose! Always think winwin. Unless you're a narcissist or a sociopath or something, in which case I guess my plea is pointless. You will notice that some people are easier to influence than others, some of them being so vulnerable to influence that they have no clue when someone is taking advantage of them, bless their hearts. Others are tough nuts to crack. You need to be more tactful with this second group of people. There are those who do not understand their personal issues and do not understand their own emotions and thoughts, which means you must be extra patient with them when trying to get them to see things your way. Fostering Vulnerability For some reason, when someone seems vulnerable, people generally respond positively to that person.

When you appear vulnerable, this encourages people to connect with you. It communicates to others that you are not made of ice, that you are an actual human being. There is something really soothing in knowing that you can always relate to someone else. It's great to know that this other person you're interacting with makes mistakes and has flaws just like you. Become comfortable with being vulnerable and watch the way people warm up to you. It might seem counterintuitive, as you'd rather be perceived as strong, flawless, Beyonce. However, it would pay you better, in the long run, to show your vulnerable side, so that you do not push others away from you. Be careful, though, because there is a dark side to vulnerability. I'm talking about being so vulnerable that it becomes codependence. Do let others see that you really are an actual human who takes monster dumps in the mornings like the rest of us, but don't be so vulnerable that you become overly dependent on others in the process. You must also learn to be your own person, even while being vulnerable. Do not soak in other people's thoughts and ideas in the name of being vulnerable. Also, don't overshare. It might make people feel uncomfortable. You don't have to let everyone know the darkness going on within you to make them feel like they can connect with you. You could find other ways to share and be open without letting them know that you're really a hundred-year-old part vampire part werewolf.

Get Help I'm not saying there's something wrong with you, so calm down. I am saying that when you ask people for help, you appear to be vulnerable, and this makes people respond to you. First of all, it's a bit of an ego boost for them that you decided they're the one you need to ask for help. It shows you think they are competent and capable, and they will go out of their way to prove to you that they are all that and more. It might make no sense of presenting yourself as helpless. It works, but there is an art to it. You don't want to ask for so much help that you come across as a burden or put the other person in the awkward position of having to say a flat no because there's really nothing they can do to help you out. Now, this other manipulative tactic has its place, but we're talking about asking for help here. All you need to do is ask for things you know are nothing to them. Itty bitty stuff like borrowing something, accompanying you on a shopping trip, or watching your dog for a day. Asking for help with these little things gives you and the other person more reason and opportunity to interact with one another, and grow your bond. Ask for Even More Yes, I know I just told you to go easy with asking for help, but this is different. If you want to make sure someone will definitely help you out with something, then what you can do is ask them for something even more difficult or complicated than what you really do want. If you want to borrow $1,000, ask for $7,000. If you have a friend who owns a studio, and you want to 8 hours of studio time for free, then ask for 40 hours.

They will say no. When they do say no to your big request, you can then lowball them with a request that is much easier — the actual thing you wanted from them to begin with. The reason this works is that people do not like to say no. When they have to say no to you, they will feel terrible about it. On account of that, they would be on the lookout to show you that they're not really the asshole you think they are, and that they would absolutely love to help. They feel bad for shooting down your first cry for help, so they will want to repair that. This is something you could also take into consideration when you're going to do a business deal, or when you're negotiating a raise with your boss. Going to get a new job? Don't accept the first salary amount you're offered. I guarantee you that your employer to be can go a lot higher, and they are simply using this technique on you in reverse. You can use this in almost all aspects of your life. You can't use this when it comes to asking for more emotional investment from your partner, though, or other tricky scenarios like that. However, this manipulation technique will help you in a lot of ways.

Techniques for Making Connections If you're going to be emotionally intelligent, and you want to learn how to really analyze and persuade others, then you have simply got to make connections. There are no ifs, and, or buts about this. Do you feel inclined to do favors or people you don't know? Of course not! How can you even feel anything for someone you do not know? Impossible.

Making connections can be hard. Some people are difficult to reach, having deliberately walled themselves off from others, either because they have been betrayed or hurt more times than they care to count, or because they've been so used to being independent and by themselves that they just don't see the need to let others in. These people can be quite difficult to establish a connection with. The best way to connect with them is to present yourself as being vulnerable. If you're dealing with someone who is independent, then the last thing you ever want to do is come off as too needy. They won't like that and will distance themselves from you. Making connections with others is not something that comes easily to everyone, but you can learn. It's always worth it, as knowing more and more people improves the quality of your life and opens you up to more opportunities for fun and growth! Here are some techniques for making connections with someone. Say Their Name Everyone loves the sound of their name. When you say their name, it creates an instant connection. If you're a boss, this is a great way to command more respect from your employees. It tells the employees that their boss gives a damn about them, enough to know their names. Make it a point to remember people's names. A great trick for remembering is to take the one attribute about them that stands out to you and add that to their name. Be nice. Don't go naming someone "Ben Big Belly," when he's got a lovely smile or the bluest eyes ever. Make it a habit to learn people's names.

If you see someone with a nametag on, don't use their name. Ask them first. It shows you give a damn. Even if you seem a bit silly for not noticing the name tag, it says you care about them as a person that you had to ask. Also, introduce yourself as well. As you converse with people, make a point of using their names every now and then. One thing this does is it grounds them in the conversation if they were drifting before. It also says that you're talking to them specifically because they matter. This makes them feel special. Have you got a special someone? Get in the habit of using their name! You may not realize that at some point, you stopped doing this. The downside to this is that at some point, rather than talking to each other, you're just talking at each other. So use your spouse's or significant other's name each chance you get. Mirroring When you are able to notice body language, you can then begin to mirror others. You might notice that there are people who are really confident who tend to stand with their hands out to their sides or with their hands raised above their heads. It might be difficult to mirror folks like these without being obvious; however, this is the behavior you can always cop at another time. You should learn how to match the confidence others feel, especially when you're trying to persuade them. The goal is not necessarily to manipulate them but to get them to feel at ease with you. Sometimes, people notice someone is quite uncomfortable, and could then take advantage of their discomfort by lording their power over this person. Don't ever do that.

You're making sure they never open up. Ever. Not in a million years. When you do notice someone uncomfortable, and walled off, you can drop down your confidence level so that it matches theirs. It tells them that you are trustworthy and dependable. If you notice someone rapidly drumming their fingers on their thighs out of anxiety, you do not need to do the same thing. You could simply make sure you come down to their level, literally. If they are sitting, sit down, or go lower if you can. Also, relax your hands. You could do ahead tilt so that they know you're interested in and ready to hear them about whatever it is that they want to say. Don't make people feel more uncomfortable when they already are. That's not cool, my dudes and dudettes. Flattery I hate to say it, but flattery will get you everywhere — when done right, that is. You want to be as authentic as you can be with your compliments. Go over the top, and you come off as insincere. Did you notice you were thinking something nice about someone? Then say it! It won't kill you. I promise. Flattery is not necessarily about telling people how intelligent they are or how beautiful they look. You could engage in wholesome flattery by getting them their favorite coffee, or asking them how they have been doing so far. Now, you might be tempted to think of this as "ass-kissing," but that only means you're thinking about this all wrong. You must come from a place of empathy and genuine care. When you do, it's not hard to think of nice things to say or do for someone else.

Now, there are times when your attempts at flattery will be obvious. Some people will immediately wall themselves off, while others will appreciate the fact that you're putting in an effort to connect with them. Words Apparently, some of the most powerful words in English are "instantly," "because," "free," "new," and "you." You are powerful because, as I've said before, people love to hear about themselves. Listen to kids talk, and you'll notice that they're always saying "I," "mine," and "me." The word "because" is also super powerful because (ha-ha) a lot of people want an explanation. It's a word that promises the answer to all the questions that life is full of. No one likes not knowing. That's why they love the word "because." It makes people sit up and pay attention. The word "free" is also an all-time favorite, for obvious reasons. Who does not like free stuff? There are people who will spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars, just because they've been promised they will get a little something for free. Besides free stuff, freedom is something that we all value, so it only makes sense that we love that word. "Instantly" is another powerful word that you can and should add to your arsenal. We live in a world where we want what we want, and we wanted it yesterday. A part of this could be because we're well aware that time is finite. We know that one day, we're going to croak, and that will be the end of that. So if we can get the love of our life in our bed and the millions of dollars in our bank accounts instantly, then we would be more than happy.

So when you want to persuade people, look for interesting ways to work in the word "instantly." Also, be honest. The word "new" is no new word, but it sure does affect us deeply. We're always on the lookout for the new. We want new things in our lives. We want the new because the new keeps us entertained. We love newness because it is a sign of growth. It means we're alive! Now you've got some words to work into your speeches and conversations so that what you're saying has that much more life in it. Practice using them, whether or not you're looking to persuade someone. Add in body language, and you just might persuade Elon Musk to hand over his bank accounts to you! Or not. You get the point, though.

The Power of Priming Priming is all about having conversations and taking actions with a future goal in mind. Priming is really useful when it comes to business or any situation in which you need to be persuasive. When you prime someone, you slip in certain ideas using images and words as you converse with whoever you're persuading before you talk about whatever it is you really want to discuss. This is a wonderful technique to use for people who are averse to surprises, or who are obstinate and resistant to change. So if you wanted to convince someone of your idea, you could start off by playing a movie that talks about your idea. Say you want a new pet, but you don't think your significant other will go for it, you could play them a great movie about dogs, or cats, or whatever it is you want.

When you're in the store, you could deliberately walk down the aisles with the dog food and other stuff. You could offer to dog sit for a friend while they're away on vacation, so that your significant other has time to be around a dog, and get used to it. Then by the time you're ready to have the conversation, your spouse will be more open to getting a pet. I should not have to mention how incredibly devious this is when you use it for the wrong reasons. That said, when you use it for the right ones, this is great. It gives the other person a mental push so that they will do what the need to do. The Hype This next technique is one that a lot of people use without realizing it. This is basically the amplification hypothesis in action. Picture a scenario where someone continues to hype up how awesome a movie is, or they overstate how terrible a band is. It's all about making stuff seem much better or much worse than it actually is. It's about talking up or talking down things. For instance, you could choose to play up how wonderful it is to have a dog, deliberately ignoring the fact that your buddy Mark's home is covered from attic to basement in dog hair. Or to discourage your doggy aspirations, your spouse would be quick to show you a newspaper article of a dog that bit a baby and tell you you're both lucky not to have them. While the amplification hypothesis usually holds true, it's not always the best route to take. You would be better off being honest about how you feel and having an open conversation about it. That would be the emotionally intelligent thing to do.

That said, if you notice the person, you're dealing with is just not open to change, then you could easily fall back on this. Creating Scarcity Have you ever heard of the scarcity effect? Have you ever clicked on a website to buy something, and then noticed a little timer counting down to when the product would no longer be available for sale at a low price, or for sale at all? Or have you seen something on a website like, "Only 5 copies left?" Well, all of these are examples of the scarcity effect in action. It makes you feel like you absolutely have to get this now while you can! If it were simply a site saying, "Buy my stuff," then you would probably be like, "Meh, sure. Next week or something." However, the idea that you may never again get this thing or get it at that price is enough to get you off your ass to go hunting for your credit card. Smart businesses know this effect; that's why they say stuff like, "For a limited time only" when they advertise. To use the scarcity effect in interpersonal relations, you could simply play hard to get. True, you should be vulnerable when needed, but it also helps to keep your distance to a certain extent. You should create some distance because the fact that you're not always available will have people clamoring for you even more. Here's a funny story: Someone opened up a club, and put the word out about how exclusive it is. When they opened, they had a couple mean looking bouncers at the doors, who turned everyone away, saying that it is packed to maximum capacity. The next night, there was a long cue at the club, with more people than had tried to get in on the opening night.

This is an example of playing hard to get when it comes to business. Keep It Subliminal When you persuade someone on a subliminal level, it means you're doing it without their conscious awareness. You're not obvious about it. You convince them without them even knowing they just got swayed in the direction you always wanted them to go. You may have heard of subliminal advertising, where companies embed messages in their adverts to get you to want to buy their stuff. If you look that up, you will find a lot of devious, underhanded stuff. That said, subliminal persuasion does not mean you have to be devious yourself. If you're going to sway someone to go your way subliminally, please do so for the right reasons. You both must benefit from it; otherwise, you sir, or ma'am, are a terrible, horrible person, and you should go sit in a corner and think about what you're doing with your life. You don't want to be that person who goes around brainwashing people into believing or thinking things that are not right or good for one and all. Remember the golden rule. Don't use these techniques to make others question their sanity. Don't manipulate people just for the fun of it, or to do them harm. I share what I share here, not just so you can use them for good, but so you can also recognize when someone is using these techniques with you.

Tips for Subliminal Persuasion Be confident. You have to ooze confidence if you're going to persuade someone. Don't go overboard though, as, at some point, your confidence will be seen as either obnoxious or fake. That said, confidence is great because it keeps the other person distracted from what you're attempting to do: Persuade them. Let your body talk. Let it add to what you're saying, positively. We have covered body language already. Use what you have learned to help you be even more persuasive. Know when to display vulnerability, and how to show confidence even as you do so. Be clear in your speech. You must be clear as you speak. Don't talk too fast, and definitely don't drone so slowly. Don't use confusing words. Some people think being adept at communication is all about using big words. It isn't. It's about weaving simple words in a way that your message worms its way into the hearts and minds of others and achieves the desired effect. Be confident and at ease when you speak, and you're more likely to get others on board with whatever you're proposing. Frame your conversations. This means you must have a foundation on which your conversation or speech will be built. I'm not asking you to be mechanical and note down every single thing you want to say and ask. I'm saying you should know what it is you want to say, and what it is you hope to achieve from having that conversation with whoever.

Be positive. Always state your requests with positive words. Need some money? Don't ask by starting off with a story about how you just lost your job, and you have tons of bills and credit card debt to pay off and that you're clueless about how to handle it all. Be more of an optimist! Let whoever know you've applied for jobs, and you know for a fact that you'll get one soon and can pay them back! Now, that does not mean your friend will not still think it a risk to lend you the money. However, they will be more willing to help out, since they can see you have been proactive about changing your financial situation, and you've got some of that infectious positive energy going on! Make them say yes. When you want to ask for something, don't just ask. Here's what I mean: Do you want to go on vacation come December? Don't ask, "Hey, would you like to go on vacation, come December?" Instead, say, "What do you think about going on a vacation on the 16th of December?" When you frame the question the second way, you've circumvented having to ask them if they want to go on vacation, to begin with. The answer is yes. The only thing they need to figure out now is whether or not they want to go on the 16th or some other day. One way or another, you're vacationing is happening in December. Plan out your desired results. When you're conversing with others, know where you're starting, know how you're getting to the end, and know when you're ending. This way, you can make use of the priming technique in a more straightforward, open, and honest way, and you're more likely to get the outcome you set out to achieve.

Persuade with visuals. Use your looks to your advantage. Are you small and need to seem confident and persuasive? Then take up more room! Just because you're smaller than most people doesn't mean you cannot stand up to others for yourself. Make use of your voice. Speak up and speak louder. Are you big, and need to appear vulnerable? There are ways around that. You could show vulnerability by speaking softer, making sure you're not towering above everyone else, getting down to their level physically or lower, even tilting your head a bit to expose your neck, and sparingly ending your sentences like their questions? This is the one time you're allowed to do that. Dress for results. If you dress like a hobo and hope to inspire confidence… Well, good luck with that. It's probably not going to happen. Make sure whatever you're wearing doesn't just make you look good, but also feels good on your body. You want to be comfortable with it. If you aren't, it will be obvious, and it will be hard for people to focus on what you're saying. Also, make sure you've dressed appropriately for the occasion. Don't overdo it with accessories when they are not called for. Use colors to your advantage. Warm colors say that you're open. Wear something as bold as yellow or red, and it might keep people away, though. Green and blue are nice and welcoming. Try not to go overboard with baby blue, or you'll look like Elsa from Frozen — and not in a good way. Wearing the right colors can go a long way towards making you more persuasive. If you're going to wear red or yellow, make sure it's just a touch of these colors. Too much, and you'll have people thinking "danger" and "caution." Not a good look.

Use scent to your advantage. Your scent should not announce your arrival. It should be discovered. The scent is powerful. Department stores know this. That's why they use smells that encourage you to spend more. Make sure you choose a scent that matches your natural scent and your personality as well. Don't just buy perfumes because the bottles look good. Make use of the samples, so you can tell what works and what doesn't. Smelling good goes a long way to getting people to agree with you, believe it or not!

Let's Talk Neuro-Linguistic Programming Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP is about using a person's neurology (how their brain works), linguistics, and programming, and then using that to discover what it is about them that makes them who they are. The fact of the matter is that we all have different ways of looking at things based on what we prefer and how we were raised. Basically, there are as many different versions of reality as there are people. Once we have our realities set, this will provide the platform for how we deal with specific situations in life. Armed with this knowledge about you, you could be manipulated by whoever wants to, using NLP techniques. Let's explore this further. Changing Physiology When you change the way you occupy physical space, you could actually convince someone to go along with your ideas or analyze them better.

If you notice there is something in between you and someone as you chat, and you notice they are not being forthcoming, move the conversation a bit so that there is nothing between you two. This will make them more open to going where you need them to. Is the conversation not going as you planned? You could excuse yourself for a bit. Maybe go to the bathroom or whatever, to give them time to sort themselves out. When you're back, if things have remained the same, you could suggest having the conversation in a different location. You could take a walk together, or just step out of the building. Sometimes you don't need to go that far. You could simply rearrange your body, and this could get them to engage with you the way you want them to. Visualize Nothing will help you achieve your goals faster than visualization. You could accomplish more if you would simply visualize the things you want. All you have to do is see it in your mind's eye. See the conversation taking place as though it were happening between you and this person right here, right now. See it through your own eyes, not like you're an actor on a screen. Hear what would imply the conversation went your way. Don't knock this till you try it. Make It Impossible to Say No I have already shared something with you about this. Want a cookie? Don't ask if you can have one. Say, "How many cookies can I have?"

A lot of the time, it won't even hit the other person that you just made it next to impossible for them to say no to you!

Chapter Seven: Emotional Intelligence in Relationships In this chapter, we're going to explore using emotional intelligence to make your relationships even better. You'll learn how your relationships are affected by your emotions. You'll also learn how to relate with your partner in a way that positively deepens your connection to each other. First things first, take a moment and think about the state of your relationship, if there's a special someone you have in your life. Would you like to feel even closer to them than you already are? So, here's a couple, Luke and Ileana. They have been together for four years. They started off as you would expect: With fire. Lots of heat, lots of chemistry. Each cared what the others thought about this, that, and the other. It was great to be together, to explore each other physically, and mentally, and they were both very considerate of each other. However, that's not the case anymore. It would seem the spark is gone, and that they're so used to each other that they take what they have for granted. They've got work, and other obligations and their relationship have been placed on the back burner. This begs the question, what's different about this relationship? I mean, it's the same two people, right? You may be very familiar with this scenario. Maybe you're living it right now. The changes that have happened in your relationship do not just happen out of the blue.

It's a gradual thing. You're not alone. It is not all that easy to keep the same level of heat from the start of your relationship, going all through the years. The way you and your partner communicate with each other changes over time. When you choose to grow in emotional intelligence, you become very aware of your lover's emotions, as well as your own. You know how best to manage them so that the flame keeps burning in your relationship. Emotional intelligence is not just of benefit to romantic relationships, but other kinds of relationships you have as well. The relationships you have with close friends and family can also get a boost from emotional intelligence. When you've got a great relationship going, you will notice that there is a strong bond between you and whoever it is.

More EQ; More Love The fact of the matter is that people with a high emotional quotient show overall satisfaction with the quality of their relationships, both social and intimate. They're happier for it, and their happiness creates a sort of feedback loop that allows them to deepen their connections with others. How can you tell for sure that your relationship is golden? Well, are you and your partner friends with each other? Do you have hobbies and interests that you share? Do you have mutual respect for each other? Do you handle conflicts properly? Are you both forgiving of the other person's shortcomings and flaws? Do you both find satisfaction in your sex life? Do you care about one another? Are you in agreement about how to raise your kids? What about your views on money?

Do they mesh? Do you both enjoy having your meals together? These are just a few ways that you can measure how much emotional intelligence is going on in your relationship. If you've asked yourself all these questions and find that you're far from satisfied, then you might want to consider making efforts to be more aware of your emotions, as well as those of your partner. If you both make a conscious choice to become emotionally intelligent, or to increase in emotional intelligence, then you will improve the quality of your relationship — as long as you follow through, that is.

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence in Your Relationship Increased happiness. The happier you are, the more you will find satisfaction in your relationship. Now, you might wonder if this means you need to be in a good relationship to be happy, or you need to be happy to be in a good relationship. However, happiness reigns supreme. If you make your happiness and your partner's happiness equal priorities, then you will find that your relationship will go swimmingly well. When you choose to be happy, you will find that you handle stress a lot better than those who are never happy. You spread that positive vibe all around, and others love to be around that. Happiness gives you the ability to handle anything that comes your way, for better or for worse. When you're happy, you find ways to make the best of what you've got, so that what others would consider a challenge, you think of as an adventurous opportunity.

Increased self-regard. When you choose to be emotionally intelligent, you will naturally develop self-regard. This means that you will be better than most at handling criticism. You're self-assured. You know your strengths, and you know your weaknesses. You don't let negative criticism get you down. You're not moved by insults, because you know who you are. Increased realism. When you're emotionally intelligent, you automatically find that your expectations from your significant other are realistic. You're not setting the bar ridiculously high for the other person, and on account of this, you have no room to be disappointed by the love of your life. You become self-actualized. The more you make it a point to be emotionally intelligent, the more you put work into developing yourself, the happier you will be in your relationship. It's just the way it works. All of these benefits are based on actual research. So think about that.

Your Emotions and Your Relationship It's possible to feel both good and bad about the one you love. You might have loved the way they handled your parents at lunch yesterday, but you might have felt bad about the argument you just had this morning. You could then feel good about the little, playful tap they just gave you on the butt a second ago!

The thing is that your expectations go a long way when it comes to your relationship. You could expect that you're going to have a good day. Then one thing happens, which makes it seem like you should not expect anything food from this day. You could wake up as you slept on thorns all night, and even just the tiniest thing that goes wrong puts you in such a terrible mood that you're unaware of your partner's own feelings and how your actions are affecting them. This is why you need to become aware of your emotions. Emotions are like really like glue, keeping your relationship together. If you know how to deal with your emotions and your partner's emotions as well, your relationship can grow from strength to strength. Say your partner walks in from work, and is in a foul mood. She asks you what's for dinner, without bothering to say hi. You reply, sarcastically, "Oh, hey, I'm doing great! Thanks for asking. How was your day?" In response, your partner tells you that they had a really crappy day, and then asks again what's for dinner. You say, "Well, I had a lot to do today, so I had no time to prepare something fresh. We'll be having last night's leftovers." Your partner expresses the fact that they're not happy about this. How do you respond? If you're emotionally intelligent, you know that your partner's grouchiness is not about you. So you could suggest ordering in if they want. If they can see what you're trying to do — i.e., get them to calm down and not take their attitude personally — they would either accept your suggestion to order in or decide to have the leftovers anyway.

If you're not so in touch with your partner's emotions, you could let irritation at how they're acting get the better of you, and start World War III about how they should be thankful you even heated up the leftovers for them. A successful relationship requires to give and take. This is not negotiable. You need to be able to notice where your partner is making efforts to make nice, and you need to be able to respond to that by doing your part to smooth things over as well. If you simply give in to every negative treatment you receive by responding negatively as well; there won't be a relationship to speak of over time. So, you've got to be willing to make concessions and sacrifices for the other person. Upping your emotional intelligence skills will give you both the resilience to deal with the little speed bumps along the way in your relationship.

Growing in Your Relationship with Emotions Emotions can help your relationship be better than ever. How? First, you must master your own emotions so that they do not get in the way of growing your relationship. Next, you must know how to manage your partner's emotions, so that they too can focus on building what you've both got. Want to be happy in your relationship? Then you've both got to learn to manage your emotions. You must make being happy a priority, as this will not only give you support through bad times but make your relationship very enjoyable. Happiness is a great buffer, keeping all the other yucky emotions away.

You must deposit as much goodwill as you can into your relationship bank account so that in the tough times, you can make some withdrawals without being overdrawn. So the next time you want to whine about the toilet seat being left up, or about being interrupted for the umpteenth time during your Call of Duty game, you can remember all the awesome, happy stuff you and your partner share, and chill out instead. You must be proactive about investing happiness in your relationship, and looking for ways to make the other person so glad that they found you and have you in their life!

How Emotions Can Tear Your Relationship Apart More often than not, one partner tends to take the other for granted at some point in the relationship. Sometimes, both parties are guilty of this. They no longer feel the spark that they once did. They no longer get goosebumps whenever the other says their name or touches them as they used to in the beginning. How can you tell if your relationship is treacherously dangling from the precipice, about to fall and smash itself hard against the jagged rocks of broken hopes and dreams? Well, you'll notice that you've stopped greeting one another whenever one of you returns home. You don't bother to talk about the stuff that happened during your day with each other. You're no longer concerned enough to ask how your partner is feeling emotionally. You don't do a lot of stuff together anymore. You barely have any sex, and whenever you're seen with your partner, you both give off a tired aura.

If you recognize your relationship in the previous paragraph, then you need to do some damage control if you still care about keeping your relationship. Talk to your partner. See if they still feel the way you feel about them. You may not like the answer you get, but it's better to know than for one or both of you to wallow in misery. Unsure how to talk about this to your partner? Then simply tell them about this chapter you're reading in this book, that you would like to share with them. This is an example of positive priming, by the way. When they're done reading it, you might want to have a heart to heart talk about your relationship: Where it is and where it's going. The goal of this conversation is to get both of you to commit to making things better so that you can both be happier and more fulfilled as a couple. Great relationships don't just happen. They take work and a willingness to make things work. It's not everyone who knows how to be considerate. Also, recall you're dating a human, and like all humans, they could get distracted with other things going on in their busy lives, and take you for granted unknowingly. This is where it pays to increase your EQ. People with high Emotional Quotients find it easy to keep their relationship going well. This is not because they just slack off and let things be as they will. It is because they have mastered their emotions, and they have adeptly studied their partner's emotions so that they can manage them better. They have learned to pay attention and understand what makes them tick. They have also learned the best ways to manipulate (there's that word again!) or persuade their partners so that both parties always come out on top.

Those who have not bothered to develop their emotional intelligence skills will suffer for it when it comes to their relationships. They will find that no matter how awesome their partner is, everything just feels stale and stagnant. Soon, the initial fire from the beginning dies out, and it's all downhill from there. Sometimes it's all because these people do not know how to deal with stress from everyday life, like taking care of kids, doing a good job at work, paying the bills, keeping your taxes straight, and all that. However, you can always learn to manage your stress better. In fact, you should.

Dealing with Your Significant Other's Emotions You want a better relationship, don't you? Then you need to find your way around your lover's emotions. Why should you? First of all, you'll be able to understand why they feel the way they feel a lot better. You will know whether or not your partner loves being with you, or around you. Another advantage of this is you'll be able to keep your relationship going steady and smooth. You'll know how to steer through emotional storms so that you both don't end up completely wrecked because your tires did not have enough grip or Emotional Quotient to keep you on the road of true love. Corny analogy maybe, but you know it's true. Sometimes you and your partner will have disagreements. When you're emotionally intelligent, you will always remember that it's better to be happy in your relationship, than to make a point. How do you deal with your partner's emotions? The first step is to be able to recognize them.

You need to know when your love is embarrassed, suspicious, bored, frustrated, or angry, among other things. You will notice that it's easier to read some emotions than others, but at least you can try. You are having a difficult time figuring out what your partner feels? Then you could pay attention to their tone of voice. Pay attention to the expressions on their face. What is their body language telling you? Can't figure anything out? Then flat out, ask your partner to tell you how they feel. Let your partner know that you get them by using language laden with empathy. Reflect back to them what they're feeling, and ask them if you're right about it. This last bit is important because the last thing you want to do is jump to conclusions. Another thing you should do is to let your partner know that you care and are completely invested in their wellbeing. Then you can move on to the next order of business: Managing their emotions. Before you can manage your partner's emotions, you have to keep in mind that the chief classes of emotions your partner may feel run the gamut from calm, too worried, sad, mad, or glad. If it so happens that your partner is feeling great, then you want to encourage them to keep feeling this way rather than ruin to for them. So make sure you only talk about good-feeling stuff in this situation — preferably something you both see eye to eye on.

This is not the time to pick up on some argument you've meant to continue with them. If there is something of a sensitive nature that you need to discuss with them, then set up a place and time to do so. This will give your partner time to be prepared to have that conversation with you in a calm way. Is your partner feeling bad, mad, or sad? Then whatever you do, if you're both in the middle of an argument or you sense that the topic you're about to discuss will cause some damage, then make it a point to take a rain check so that you can both attack the issue as a team when you're calmer. If your partner is voicing their concerns, do your best to listen. This is not the time to get defensive. Also, make a point of reflecting your partner's feelings about their concerns or the situation back to them. This is to make sure you're both on the same page. Make sure you ask so you can get clarity on how they feel. Let your partner know that you take their worries very seriously. See what you can do to be of assistance to your partner. You could simply provide comfort by touching or hugging them, or you could just listen. If they're open to your ideas and thoughts, you could attempt some problem-solving. Be sure they want that before you start spouting off unsolicited advice when all they wanted was comfort! Do your best not to take any personal attacks or criticisms personally. Better said, do not respond in the heat of the moment. Just listen, and take time to consider them to see where your partner may be right (or wrong) about you, and how you can fix that. Do your best to be understanding. This is not the best time to make matters worse by arguing. If need be, bite your tongue.

If you're going to offer any solutions, never do so until your partner is one hundred percent certain that you understand them. I know this may feel a bit like avoidance; however, women especially desire to be understood before you launch into problem-solving mode. Yes, if you're a man, you just want to fix the problem, but take some time to really hear her out before you jump to fixing stuff. Check out the hilarious YouTube video "It's Not About the Nail," so you know what I mean.

Chapter Eight: Authentic Happiness and Emotional Intelligence As I've mentioned before, some people think happiness is a bad thing to keep encouraging. Others think happiness is about getting some really sweet ice cream on a super-hot summer day or winning a million dollars in the lottery. These don't count. The happiness you feel from stuff like this is very shortlived. The answer is not to keep getting ice cream or keep winning a million dollars (wouldn't that be nice!) but to find a way to have true happiness that lasts. I'm talking about the satisfaction that you can feel deep inside your soul. To find this authentic happiness, you need to be honest in your assessment of the world around you, as well as yourself. You need to come to terms with what matters the most to you in life, and then make your life about those goals. Real happiness is all about values, and your emotions have a major part to play when it comes to those values. If you're highly intelligent emotionally, then not only are you optimistic, you're also very self-aware, and very in touch with the stuff you're most passionate about. So you find more satisfaction and joy in stuff that others would struggle with because that's what you really are about!

Let's Define Happiness Real happiness springs from inside of you. Not a jewelry box, or a box of chocolates. It's the joy you feel when you're working on stuff that means the world to you, or when you're connecting on a deeper level with the love of your life. We can all agree that it is important to be happy and satisfied with the life you're living. Some people think money matters more than happiness, but for the most part, we all know that happiness comes first. When you're happy, you can't help but think of life as an adventure. You're on the lookout for something to experience that you've never tried before. You see problems as opportunities for growth. You don't let the small stuff get you down. Even the big stuff is easier for you to weather than it is for those who are miserable for the most part.

Why Happiness Matters Being happy will naturally attract others to you since you feel good. Happiness will get you a larger circle of friends, which means whenever you're in need, you will always have someone to turn to. You have an endless stream of resources. When you're happy, you're optimistic, energetic, likable, and confident. You feel a lot better about your life! When you feel good for most of your day, you will also feel good about the way things are going for you at home and at work. You'll be a lot happier about where you are in life and how things are going for you. This tends to create a snowball effect of giving you more in life to be happy about! It's weird, but that's the way the world works.

Also, studies have shown that the happier you are, the more successful you will be in life, whether it's your career, friendships, marriage, or health A lot of people want to know whether success comes before happiness, or it's the other way around. I'll tell you right now that happiness always comes before success. It attracts success into your life! The fact that you are always in a great mood will let you give the very best of yourself no matter which aspect of life you're dealing with. Since you're giving one hundred and ten percent, it's only natural that you reap what you sow! So you have no option but to practice emotional intelligence so that you can always set yourself up to happen, even on the days when it seems like you have no logical reason to be.

Transmiting Your Emotions Learning to take charge of your emotions is a good thing because once you can control them, you can change them to be whatever you want. I used to think that I would always be at the mercy of my emotions when I was a kid. Thankfully, I have learned through personal experience that that is not the case. All you need to do is to be proactive about reducing the instances of negative emotion you feel and boosting the positive ones every chance you get. One of the ways for you to keep the good feels flowing is to observe and notice the kinds of thoughts that make you feel good. Think of your emotions as being the results of whatever thoughts you've been entertaining in your head. When you're feeling happy, notice what you were thinking.

For instance, if you felt good each time you thought about the dinner party you attended two nights ago or the fact that you're doing better at yoga, then you definitely want to keep thoughts like this going all through your day. You also will want to control the bad feels. To do this, you could notice when you start to feel bad. Notice the thoughts that have been zipping through your noggin, and you can be sure that in the future, it will be easier for you to nip that in the bud. Another thing to do is to notice what bad emotion you're feeling in the moment, and then make use of a little something called cognitive reappraisal, which is all about looking at the world around you in new ways. You can begin to see that there are people who wish they had the problems you had, and in that way, life really ain't so bad!

Choose Optimism Every Time If you're highly intelligent when it comes to emotions, then you're definitely an optimistic person. When I talk about optimism, I mean deliberately coming up with creative ways to deal with challenges. I am not talking about ignoring challenges, even when they're screaming right in your face. I'm talking about dealing with them in an efficient way. It's about doing all you can to get a positive outcome. Would you like to be a more optimistic person? Then you need to be more aware of when you're in a tight spot. Once you recognize you're dealing with something challenging, also dig within yourself, and you will find that you are equipped to handle them. If you're willing to keep an open mind, you will find that you are stronger than you think.

Also, as an optimist, you are open to receiving help, especially when you know you do not have the skills that you need to deal with the problem at hand. Another thing that helps is to go down memory lane and think of all the times you were in similar sticky situations. Recall how you were able to find a way to make things work, and hold on to that resilience. Keep your attention centered on getting solutions, and don't waste your energy or attention to what happened in the past. Always choose to see the terrible situations that come your way as challenges that will help you grow. As you practice being more optimistic in life, you will notice that you do a lot better with adversity. You will also find that your happiness knows no bounds. Did you know that people who are highly optimistic don't have to worry about stuff like cardiovascular diseases, cancer, and early deaths? I'm not just saying that. This is science telling you that. So tell that pessimist (or like they like to call themselves, "realist") in your life that you will choose optimism, any day, any time. If they don't like it, then they can take a hike. Know Yourself You must be aware of your strengths and your weaknesses. There is no way around this as a person who is highly intelligent, emotionally. This is that self-regard business I keep going on and on about. You can only ever deal with challenges when you know who you really are. Also, when you know yourself, you will be confident. There's no way around this. Take some time and a pen and paper. Write down the top five strengths you have. Which of these is the greatest?

How have you been able to use these strengths to handle adversity? How do you think you could use these strengths in new challenging situations? What do you consider your weaknesses? Above all else, what would you change about you if you could? How would you go about making that change? Write all of this down and go over it every now and then. Take at least one action every day towards your goals, and watch as you become an even better version of yourself than the day before. 

Chapter Nine: Manipulating Yourself Did you know you could manipulate yourself? It's true! In fact, you're doing it all the time whether or not you're aware of it. This is the problem most folks have: A lack of self-awareness. Not being self-aware means that when you have negative thoughts, you allow them to fester and bubble over, and next thing you know, you're a dark cloud in the flesh. Not cool at all. Fact: We all have bad days. Even the best of us. What sets the emotionally intelligent person apart is their ability to manipulate themselves so that no matter how absolutely crappy the day goes, they stay optimistic. Sadly, the way most people are wired; if one little thing happens to them, they allow that to affect how the rest of their day goes. They wind up infecting people with their negativity and alienating people who would have been of service to them in one way or another. When I speak of manipulating yourself, I'm not talking about distractions. I don't mean you get to bury your head in the sand and will all the bad stuff away. I mean that you can change your emotions. You can control them.

What to Do When You Feel Like Crap If you're feeling bad (fearful, or anxious), sad (depressed), or mad (jealous, or angry), then it's possible for thee emotions to get in the way of your whole day. However, we're going to cover different ways for you to fix that.

That said, if you find that your situations or emotions are beyond extreme, then please reach out to a psychiatrist, psychologist, or any professional that can get you the help you need. Let's begin! A Little Something Called "Cognitive Restructuring" This has its origins in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The whole idea behind this tool is that you're what you think. So to use cognitive restructuring, you have to know how to argue with distortions in your thinking, or to prove them wrong completely. A cognitive distortion is an amalgamation of thoughts which you buy into about a situation or a person. A lot of the time, these thoughts can be really irrational and way off the mark. The idea behind cognitive restructuring is to check out these thoughts and replace them with better ones. When you hold on to these untrue, detrimental thoughts and beliefs, they play a huge part in making you feel like crap. You can use cognitive restructuring to deal with low self-esteem, stress, procrastination, social anxiety, and even impulsiveness. Cognitive Restructuring in Action Here is a step by step approach to using cognitive restructuring to manipulate yourself for the better. 1. Bring to mind a time or circumstance where you felt anger, stress, depression, anxiety, or any other negative feeling thought. Do your best to think about it, bringing to mind all the details like what happened, what it felt like to experience it, what you thought, and how you acted. 2. Next, get a notepad and draw out a table of eight columns. Here's what you should label each column:

● Inciting incident ● Emotions felt ● First thoughts ● Proving thoughts ● Disproving thoughts ● Neutral thoughts ● Mood ● Plan of action 3. In the "inciting incident" column, write out the event that caused you to be in a terrible mood. 4. In the "emotions felt" column, use single words to describe what you felt. 5. In the "first thoughts" column, write the thoughts that immediately came to your head about what was going on. 6. In the "proving thoughts" column, write all the stuff that would be evidence supporting your first thoughts. 7. In the "disproving thoughts" column, write all the stuff that would be evidence disproving your initial thought. 8. In the "neutral thoughts" column, write all the conclusions you have drawn from analyzing the situation and all your thoughts on it. You will find it to be a more balanced take on the whole affair.

9. In the "mood" column," record any changes you may have had in the way you feel about the whole situation. 10. In the "plan of action" column, write down a plan for what you should do about this situation going forward. Distracting Yourself Sometimes things get so bad that you want nothing more than to escape. I know I said we're not about distracting yourself from the problem so that it can go away magically or something, and I still stand by that. However, there are times when distraction can be a very, very good thing indeed. It's not about completely avoiding your responsibilities. It is about taking some time out so that you can rest, and re-center yourself. It's taking time to get into a headspace where you can deal with the problematic situation that is stressing you out. You could simply count to ten. Or if it's a super, major issue, then you could take a vacation. You can always come back feeling refreshed and ready to tackle whatever you just had to get away from. Whenever you deliberately remove yourself from the problem, you will be able to gain perspective and clarity. You will also have the added advantage of not escalating things so that they go from bad to worse on account of rash decisions taken, or harsh words were spoken. In short, distraction is a great way to escape regret. You have the added bonus of recharging your batteries too! Do be mindful that some distractions are not as healthy or good as others. Rather than turn to a joint or the bottle, you could take a walk, count to ten as slow as you can, work out, make lists, allow your emotions to come through, take a deep,

Slow breath, talk to a close trusted friend, meditate, listen to something soothing, or do some yoga. Whatever works and is good for you! Relaxation and Mindfulness There are all sorts of mental and physical activities you could try that would help soothe you and make you feel relaxed. When you use these techniques, you will find that your body and mind will benefit from them in so many ways. Rather than wait until the proverbial kaka hits the proverbial fan, you should make these practices a part of your everyday life. This way, when the storm does hit, you will not just be calm, you'll be the very eye of said storm. You can do a lot of these activities I'm about to suggest in as little as ten minutes — sometimes even less. You can find ten minutes a day, can't you? Even if it's time, you're brushing your teeth, making your coffee, walking your dog, or sitting on the crapper. Put your phone down and practice! You'll be glad you did. Here's a pro tip for you: Any activity that gets you moving is also really good because you'll get those endorphins coursing through your system. Consider making exercise a part of your routine. It's a great way to bust the stress! Also, your body will thank you for it. It doesn't have to be anything insane, like Shaun T's Insanity workouts or anything of the sort. You could just do some light stretching, some yoga, or just take a walk. Don't kill yourself in the name of finding peace and calm, okay? Now let's get into the techniques!

Progressive Relaxation Technique This technique is the absolute best for reducing high blood pressure. You have Joseph Wolpe, Edmund Jacobson, and Robert Benson to thank you for this! Not only will it get your blood pressure down, but it will also help you out with anxiety and irritable bowel syndrome. Now I should tell you that this technique will do you no good if you're right in the middle of an anxiety attack. It helps only if you've been practicing at other times. You will need somewhere quiet, with no distractions. If it's carpeted, then that's even better. Steps 1. Kick your shoes off, make sure your clothing is loose, and then lie on your back and shut your eyes. 2. Keep your hands by your sides, and then clench both fists hard and tight for ten seconds at a go. Keep your attention on the tension you feel in your hands. 3. Now, relax your fists. Become aware of the weight and warmth you feel. 4. Next, flex your biceps. Do this for ten seconds, and notice how the tension feels. 5. Now, relax your biceps, and then pay attention to the difference in feeling from when you flexed them. 6. Now, do the same procedure of flexing, holding, and then relaxing with your forearms. 7. Wrinkle your face, then relax it.

8. Move your own down your body. Flex and relax, working through the shoulders, moving on to the chest, then the stomach, the lower back. Then move on to your butt, your thighs, your calves, and then your feet. As you move through each part of your body, gently tell yourself, "I am getting more and more relaxed." 9. Once you're done with a whole cycle, just lie there on the floor for a bit, basking in the calm. 10. Whenever it suits you, get up, as slow as you can. You might feel some lightheadedness. There's nothing wrong with that. Just don't make any sudden movements for a few minutes after this exercise. If you've got any muscle trouble, then please don't do this technique. Alternatively, you can modify this so that the body parts affected by your illness don't need to come into play. Always check with your doctor or healthcare pro before you do this. Diaphragmatic Breathing This is also known as "belly breathing." I know that sounds like a very weird term. You might be thinking, well, when you breathe, the air goes into your lungs as your ribcage is lifted on the inhale and lowered on the exhale. Here's a little something that should interest you to know: Breathing like this is a sure-fire way to keep you feeling sad, anxious, mad, or whatever nasty emotion has you in its clutches. Belly breathing is a different ball game. Your ribcage remains steady while you breathe through the diaphragm instead. The diaphragm is lower than the ribcage.

You can find it in the stomach area. If you have a friend who plays a wind instrument, I promise you that they know a whole lot about the belly or diaphragm breathing. Here's how to do it: 1. Find some place quiet and with no distractions. 2. Loosen your clothes, and kick off your shoes. 3. Lie on your back, and shut your eyes. 4. Put a hand on your chest and put the other on your stomach. 5. Breathe normally. Notice what goes on with your body as you breathe. Notice the movement of your hands with each breath. 6. Breathe through the nose. Allow your belly to swell and give more power to your inhale. Make sure you keep your ribcage and chest still. 7. Now, as slow as you can, exhale through slightly parted lips. The more you practice this, the sooner you will be able to use your stomach to inhale and exhale. Do this for five minutes. After, you will feel really relaxed and fully refreshed! Are you feeling stressed? Use belly breathing. You don't need to lie down. You could be walking, standing, or sitting. You don't have to close your eyes. If you choose to keep your eyes open, you can simply focus your attention on a stationary object near you.

Acupressure Acupressure is great. It is based on the very same principles as Shiatsu massage and acupuncture. Thankfully, you don't need needles. Here's how it works: 1. Use your thumb and forefinger of one hand to squeeze the bit of flesh between the thumb and forefinger of the other hand. It will feel a bit uncomfortable, but not painful. 2. Keep the pressure on for five seconds. 3. Now, switch hands and do the same thing with the other. 4. Repeat this whole process a couple times more. You will notice the tension you feel melting away. Deliberate Distraction There are so many ways for you to use this technique. 1. You could list things you know you can do to help you feel better when the stress gets to be a bit much. This could give you the feeling of control, and it helps you feel more confident since you're making plans for the future. 2. You could replace your thoughts. If you begin to feel worried, you could replace those thoughts with more peaceful thoughts, as well as images in your mind. 3. Notice the actions and thoughts that make your anxiety feel even worse. If you keep looking at the clock because you're running late for a meeting and are stuck in really bad traffic, that is sure to get you in knots. Stop! Choose to relax and be in the moment, or listen to some soothing music instead.

A Worry Break! 1. Get some paper and note down whatever it is that has you worried. 2. Now, write a date and time you plan to think about this problem again. You could write, "Next tomorrow, 5 PM." 3. Put that paper in an envelope. Seal it. 4. Stop thinking about it. Remind yourself gently but firmly whenever the worry pops up that you've handled it for the time being. 5. When the time and day are here, open your envelope, and then allow yourself only three minutes so you can think about the issue and the best course of action to take. 6. If at the end of the three minutes you have not gotten a satisfactory solution, write down a new date and time, and then seal it in an envelope. Repeat this process until you're no longer bothered. Mindfulness Mindfulness is about — drumroll, please — being mindful. It means you're aware of each present moment. You're not dwelling in the past, you're not worrying about the future, and you're just in the here and now, focused on what is. Not what was. Not what will be. It is important when practicing mindfulness that you completely free yourself from judgment, or thought, or reflection. You simply focus on the here and now. Here's how that works:

1. Sit in a comfy chair, or lie down, so you're comfortable. Make sure your posture is one that makes you feel dignified and awake. You should feel sure of yourself, awake, and aware. 2. Keep your mind at this moment. Don't think about the past or the future. Just be here now. 3. Keep this moment in your conscious awareness. As long as you can. 4. Pay attention to your senses. Notice what you hear, taste, smell, and touch. Notice your breath. 5. Focus on your breath. Don't try to change it. Just feel it as it goes in and out. Breathe. Follow the air with your awareness, as it moves in and out of you. 6. You may close your eyes if you wish, but keep your attention trained on your breath. 7. When thoughts come in to distract you — and they will — simply acknowledge that you have been distracted, and then gently refocus your attention on your breathing. 8. Do not judge yourself for being distracted. This is normal. Keep this up, and you will notice your life becoming less hectic, and a lot calmer. Remember that space we talked about between a trigger and your reaction? Well, mindfulness will help make that space even wider, and it will help you see that while you could respond without control, it's not necessary to give in to your negative impulses.

Chapter Ten: Boosting Your Emotional Intelligence The way to get better at being emotionally intelligent is to practice. As you practice, you will be able to measure your feedback based on how people react to you. There is nothing wrong with seeking to improve! Life is about growing and learning every day. So let's look at the various ways that you can boost your emotional intelligence.

Increasing Your Self Awareness Self-awareness is heavily intertwined with emotional intelligence, as I have made explicitly clear already. You cannot be aware of how others feel when you don't even know how you feel! To become more self-aware, practice mindfulness every day. You could also sign up for a course or get an instructor to help you out here so that you can be a lot more in touch with your body, mind, and soul. Also, get in the habit of noting down your feelings at set times. This will help you learn to consistently check in with yourself so that you know if you need to change your emotions before they get the best of you. As you note them down, be as descriptive as you can about how intensely you feel what you feel, so you can better gauge them.

Express Yourself When you know how to express your feelings, beliefs, and thoughts, you will find yourself making a lot more progress in managing your tempestuous emotions. You don't need to bottle up everything. In fact, you shouldn't, because that is the unhealthiest thing you could do, and you would end up a very lonely cat lady or cat man. No one would know what's really going on with you. Be willing to share. It's only human. I'm not asking you to overshare. Try to aim for balance. In other words, be assertive. This means you share your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in the most appropriate way you can go without any fear or shame. Know where you stand and who you are. Discover Your Passion We all have stuff that we'd really rather be doing at any given point in time. We have stuff we're passionate about. You know, that one thing that you love so much you forget to eat, shower, or take a dump because you're so into whatever it is. Find that. Engage in it as often as you can. You do not need to resign yourself to the corporate rut that is your cubicle. Don't be all about money all the time. Make time for play! You should make time for work that excites you, even if all you have is 30 minutes a day before bed. Find a way to express yourself. You can find some balance between drudge work and work that makes your heart sing. This will keep you happy, and even open up other opportunities for self-expression that just might be lucrative enough for you to write a "Dear Boss, I quit" letter one day.

Know What You're Good At Some people think erroneously that they are amazing at everything. Others have no idea how really amazing they are. It's best for you to really know where you stand. When you know what you're good at, then you know where to channel your energy, and you will find your life to be a more fulfilling one. You will be better at dealing with stress, and this will, in turn, help you manage not just your own emotions, but those around you as well. Walk-in Another's Shoes Don't just see things through your own eyes. Take the time out to connect with others and see life as they see it. Don't just assume that your way is the only way. Learn to be empathetic, not just in word, but in deed as well. The more empathy you have, the closer and stronger your bond with others will be. This means if you ever need support or help, you are guaranteed to get it. Don't miss a beat when it comes to showing others that you really do get how they feel, or where they're coming from. This lets people know you're not self-centered, and you're dependable. It also helps you to really understand people on a deeper level, so that in times of conflicts, you know you can always fix your friendships and relationships, and make things even better. Treat Others How You Want to Be Treated You cannot deny that you want to be treated with respect and dignity. You want to be treated as someone with valid ideas, opinions, feelings, and beliefs. For you to receive this treatment, you must be willing to give it to yourself!

You must learn to treat others the same way you want to be treated. You don't get to be selfish about wanting basic dignity in life. If you only ever think about yourself, there is no way and no how that you can grow in emotional intelligence. Social Responsibility Matters This is the highest possible expression of emotional intelligence. It shows others you care about their wellbeing. It shows that you want to contribute to making lives better. You could champion a cause by making a donation or raising awareness. You could drum up support for causes that are worth it. All of this makes you more and more aware of the needs of others, and soon enough, you will find yourself constantly seeking out ways to genuinely be of service. Deal with Your Impulses There are times when you want to snap and act out. It may seem like you have every right to, but you don't have to give in to that impulse. The ability to deal with your impulses is a sure sign that you're emotionally intelligent. So practice getting a grip on yourself more and more. You can do this by growing in self-awareness, practicing mindfulness, choosing to distract yourself one way or another when you feel an impulse coming along, or stepping outside the situation to analyze the thoughts that are plaguing you at the moment so that you can replace them with better, more helpful thoughts. All in all, choose to be flexible! Whenever you sense that you'd rather act in a way that is emotionally unintelligent, remind yourself gently and often, that there is always a better way to deal with things, even if that way is not apparent at the moment.

Conclusion We have finally come to the end of this book. I hope you've found it very enlightening! The fact of the matter is that the more you know about being emotionally intelligent, the more you will find the quality of your lifechanging for the better. You will find that the way you think, feel, and act will change as well. There will be so many benefits that you will no doubt experience as you practice emotional intelligence, at home, at work, and with friends and strangers. With emotional intelligence, you can change your life. You can change the world. That might sound like the overenthusiastic ramblings of a maniac, but it's the truth. Imagine if everyone chose to learn how to be emotionally intelligent in their day to day dealings! Also, choosing to respond in caring, emotionally intelligent ways to situations around you can inspire others to learn from you. You can affect one person who goes on to affect another, and then another. Hundreds could find their lives changing for the better, just because in a moment where everyone was losing their heads, you chose to be the responsible, emotionally intelligent person! There are so many conflicts that could have been avoided if the parties involved had displayed even a little bit of emotional intelligence. Let's talk about stuff like war, for example. What about deliberately creating weapons and sending out troops with said weapons to destroy innocent lives is remotely intelligent, emotionally or otherwise? How exactly is war the answer to conflict resolution?

Even if you don't want to talk about war, think about the thousands of friendships and relationships that are destroyed daily, simply because people do not have the skills to deal with their emotions, let alone other people's feelings! This is why emotional intelligence is a lot more important than you think. It matters so much it ought to be made a mandatory course in educational institutions, as far as I'm concerned. Everyone, young and old, needs to learn that they do not need to fall victim to unbridled, unreasonable impulses that come from a lack of self-awareness and self-discipline. I sincerely believe emotional intelligence is just as important as math and physics. You can quote me on that. If you're not thinking about changing the world, then maybe think about changing your world, one boss, friend, family member, or colleague at a time. Think of how much richer your life would be when you choose to step up in the game of life and become emotionally intelligent. See yourself becoming one of those people for whom the answer is always yes, and the gates are always wide open. This could be you! There's no reason it couldn't be. But! You do have to put in the work. The world's your oyster! Go get 'em.

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Meditation and Hypnosis Complete Guide to the Basics of Meditation, Hypnosis and Deep Sleep Technologies.

May Francis

Introduction The lack of rest, relaxation, and sleep deprivation are some of the biggest banes of modern life, thanks to a multitude of stress and anxiety sources. Human beings are so caught up in the modern-day rat race that the importance of rest, relaxation, and sleep has been almost forgotten. While technology has contributed toward many good things for the human race, side-effects are also in plenty. As per world surveys conducted, nearly everyone owns at least one electronic device. Yes, having access to the Internet and leading a fast-paced life has definitely resulted in the growth and development of humankind from a materialistic perspective. However, we seem to have forgotten to slow down and live life meaningfully and purposefully. Our cravings are on the rise, and each of us wants to be better than our neighbors. Thanks to social media platforms, our neighbors are not restricted to the physical ones but also the people we follow virtually on these platforms. We are running from pillar to post, trying to accumulate luxuries and materialistic goods to match (or better) our lifestyle with those of others around us. Most of us work from dawn to dusk and even on weekends leaving us little time and energy to live and engage with our lives fully and completely. The result of all this running around is nothing but stress. The joy of making an expensive purchase is over very fast, and we get caught into going after a new item. We are so stressed out and anxious that we are not meeting the standards of the modern world that we forget to be grateful and happy for the many things life has provided us with. We have lost the ability to rest and relax.

In fact, many of us feel that rest, relaxation, and sleep are all old-fashioned and show us in poor light. The truth is, however, very far from this mythical understanding. Sleep and rest for the body and mind are as vital for our survival as water, food, and shelter. However, we don't respect the importance of sleep and rest. Research and surveys reveal that Americans lack proper sleep and tend to get less than 7 hours of sleep each night as against the recommended dose is at least 7-9 hours for optimal function of our body and mind. Moreover, an increasing number of people are finding it difficult to fall and/or remain asleep for sustained periods. Insomnia is such a common diagnosis for people around the world today that it has given birth to an entire industry that deals with sleep technologies and aids. According to research studies, the global market for sleep technologies as of 2016 was US$ 66.3 billion and is projected to reach US$84.9 billion by 2021. Interestingly, some people take pride in their ability to function well despite the lack of sleep. Phrases like ‘You will lose if you snooze” or “I’ll sleep when I am dead” are considered to reflect commitment in people. However, in reality, the lack of sleep and rest is an uncompromisable element of a healthy lifestyle. The inability to sleep is actually a big health-related issue rooted in several lifestyle choices and biological factors. Ponder on this question. How many times have you put your head on the pillow, and instead of falling asleep, your mind goes into overdrive mode? The thing is that these thoughts have always been in your mind. However, during the day, thanks to a limitless number of distractions and work, you have maybe been unaware of them. When you lie down to sleep, and in the absence of distractions, you have simply become aware of these thoughts, which results in a feeling that your mind goes into overdrive just when you want to fall asleep.

While technology is one of the most significant contributors to the growth and development of the world, it is also responsible for health-related issues, including increasing sleep problems. Yet, you cannot blame technology directly for this. It is because most people, ignorantly or otherwise, use devices until the last minute before the lights go off, an element that contributes to sleep issues. Ask yourself if you are not among the millions of people around the world who sleep with their mobile phones under their pillow every night. Some even keep them on after the lights have gone out. So, how do you manage these modern-day problems of lack of sufficient rest and sleep, both for the body and mind? This book promises to help show you the way. Meditation, hypnosis, and deep sleep technologies are discussed here to help you understand the importance of rest and sleep as well as giving you insights as to how to begin making positive changes in your lifestyle in this regard. Meditation, hypnosis, and deep sleep technologies are deeply interconnected and can be of immense help when used either separately or together in ways that supplement each other. Meditation and hypnosis are both unparalleled tools to achieve a high state of relaxation and rest. With the help of the techniques described in this book, you can get started on your journey of meditation and hypnosis and harness the multiple benefits and advantages. Meditation and hypnosis are both targeted to achieve a deep state of relaxation and restfulness, but there are also several differences between them. These differences empower you with multiple options to use the techniques, either separately or in combination, to get optimal results. So, go ahead, dive straight in and see what this book has to offer, as you start a new chapter in your life, and a wonderful journey of meditation and hypnosis.

Learn how to leverage the power of deep sleep technology to give your body and mind a much-needed break, rejuvenating and refreshing you to help you live a fuller and healthier life.

Chapter One: Understanding Meditation Starting from its History and Benefits Meditation practitioners swear by the practice’s ability to bring about sustained positive effects into their lives. One of the first questions that come to mind when you start thinking of any subject is its origin is “Who discovered meditation?” or “What are its origins?” etc. and these are a great place to start learning about it.

History of Meditation Well, the exact point in history or the person who ‘discovered’ meditation is not known at all. The word ‘meditation’ comes from the Latin term ‘meditatum,’ which means ‘to ponder.’ Historians and experts believe that the practice is likely to have begun thousands of years ago, far before the birth of modern civilization. Ancient hieroglyphs and texts that have been deciphered show that even during the hunger-gatherer times, human beings practiced some form of meditation. It is believed that these traditions and practices were passed on orally through the generations, which, perhaps, forms the foundation of modern-day meditation techniques. The earliest records of this ancient practice are from about 1500 B.C.E in the Indian subcontinent. During these ancient times, in this region, meditation was an integral part of the Vedic and other Indian philosophies. Between the 6th and 4th centuries, B.C.E. Indian Buddhist and Chinese Taoist traditions started developing their own versions of various meditation styles.

In the western part of the world, notable Greek and Middle Eastern philosophers like Philo of Alexandria, Saint Augustine, and the Desert Fathers of the Middle East also developed and practiced meditation techniques. Although many ancient religions followed meditation, it is most closely linked with Buddhism that was founded by Siddhartha Gautama or Lord Buddha in India more than 2500 years ago. Lord Buddha inspired generations of practitioners to sit and contemplate various aspects of human life and to be mindfully aware of everything happening within and around them. According to Buddhist teachings, meditation is one of the three pillars that need to be mastered to achieve enlightenment or spiritual awakening. The people who practiced Buddha’s teachings traveled the world and learned from other teachers incorporating new techniques even as they continuously endeavored to refine their own knowledge on the subject. Eastern philosophy and meditation techniques caught the attention of Western seekers during the colonization of Asian countries by European powers from around the 18th century onward. However, it was not until the mid-20th century that the concept and benefits of meditation became highly popular in the western world. Students from the west traveled to the eastern part of the world to train and learn from great masters. One of the most wellknown western personalities of mindfulness meditation is Dr. Jon KabatZinn, who founded the Center for Mindfulness at the University of Massachusetts Medical School in 1979. His program entitled the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program is credited with spreading the benefits of meditation and mindfulness practice right across the world minus all spiritual and religious overtones.

Today, meditation techniques are more focused on relaxation and stressrelieving purposes rather than on achieving ‘enlightenment’ thought practitioners, and experts believe that the ultimate goal of meditation is to transcend human limitations and connect with the limitless universal power. Meditation is to the mind what fitness and physical training are to the body. Meditation works like a vitalizing tonic for our minds driving it to relax and become increasingly aware of our senses and the world around us. While relaxation, temporary stress relief, and reduced anxiety are some of the shortterm benefits, research studies have demonstrated the power and vast potential of meditation for the development and growth of the human mind. A key element to meditation is the fact that it can be practiced anytime, anywhere. Meditation comes in a variety of forms, and you can choose what is best suited for you. Additionally, there is no need for any specialized equipment or a specific place or time. All you need is a few minutes and a quiet, undisturbed place where you can practice your meditation.

Benefits of Meditation The benefits of meditation are numerous, and relaxation and stress-release are a part of this wide repertoire. While contemporary studies continue to try and understand the beneficial aspects of meditation on the body and mind through scientific means, it is worth mentioning here that the ultimate goal of meditation is not really to get any benefit. Like many Eastern philosophers, meditation has no goal. It is only a tool to help you be ‘in the present’ and mindful of everything that is happening within and around you. According to Buddhism, the final goal of meditation is to liberate your mind from the attachment to things that you cannot control, including your own powerful emotions as well as external circumstances.

This ‘liberated’ practitioner is then able to give up desires which result in attachment. Consequently, he or she can maintain inner harmony and lead a calm, stress-free, and meaningful life. In the 1970s, Dr. Herbert Benson, a researcher at Harvard University Medical School, coined the phrase “relaxation response” based on studies he conducted on people who practiced meditation regularly. He defined this phrase as an involuntary response of the brain that results in reducing activity in the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for stress-related responses, including fight-flight reactions. Since then, a lot of studies have been and continue to be done across the world. All of these studies have demonstrated multiple short-term benefits of meditation, especially on the functioning of the nervous system. Some of these short-term benefits of meditation are: ●

Reduced blood pressure

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Improved blood circulation

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Lower and relaxed heart rate

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Reduced sweating

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Reduced cortisol levels, the stress-originating hormone

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Reduced anxiety and stress

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Increased feelings of well-being

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Improved states of relaxation

As an increasing number of people are realizing the potential benefits of meditation and this tool is slowly growing in popularity as a means of not only for temporary stress relief and relaxation but also as a supplementary therapy for multiple health disorders.

Numerous research studies demonstrate the efficacy of meditation in treating diseases depression, age-related memory issues, addictions, and more. Let us look at some of the benefits that have the backing of scientific research. Reduces Stress - One of the most common and useful symptoms of meditation that attracts people is its promise of stress reduction. Several studies have shown the efficacy of meditation techniques in helping people to manage stress and eliminate the negative impacts of stress on their lives. One of the primary hormones produced in the human body that is connected with stress is cortisol, the levels of which increase with increased mental and physical stress on the body. Cytokines are inflammation-promoting chemicals whose production increases when cortisol levels are high. These harmful chemicals in the body are responsible for sleep disruption, increased blood pressure, increased anxiety, and stress - all of which contribute to reduced focus and fatigue. Studies on mindfulness meditation have shown reduced stress-related inflammation response in the body. In fact, the higher the levels of stress in your body, the more effectively the meditation techniques work. Meditation is also believed to relieve physical symptoms of stress like post-traumatic stress disorder, irritable bowel syndrome, and fibromyalgia. Controls Anxiety - When stress levels are low, anxiety levels also decrease. Meditation is known to help control symptoms of anxiety disorders that come in the form of paranoia, social anxiety, phobias, panic attacks, and obsessivecompulsive disorders. Mindfulness meditation has been found to help to reduce depression in adults. Consistent practice has also been shown to help people manage anxiety longterm. It has also been seen to have helped in the reduction of work-related stress, especially in high-pressure environments.

Nurses across the world find meditation hugely helpful in keeping their high levels of stress in check. Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) is a new form of meditation developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachusetts Center for Mindfulness. MBSR and is specifically designed to reduce a person’s mental and physical stress levels. An 8-week MBSR course is beneficial to reduce stress and anxiety levels. The positive impacts of meditation are believed to be mediated through those regions of the brain that are associated with selfreferential thoughts. Increases Self-Awareness - Some types of meditation are designed to increase self-awareness through continuous self-inquiry. As you practice this kind of meditation and get numerous answers to questions about yourself, your self-awareness gets a big boost. Consequently, the chances of selfactualization, or being your best self, increases significantly. Also, some forms of meditation teach you to identify and manage negative, self-defeating, and harmful thoughts. The primary aim of such kinds of meditation techniques is to help you gain an improved sense of self and more control over your thinking processes. This awareness can be used to get rid of harmful habits and inculcate useful, productive habits for an improved quality of life. Breast cancer-afflicted women who underwent tai chi programs to handle depression issues were able to control their emotions better than the ones who did not use any kind of meditation technique as a supplementary therapy. Further, meditation helps reduce feelings of loneliness, especially among older men. Increased self-awareness helps in improving problem-solving skills, too, both at a personal as well as a professional level. Self-awareness through meditation is the starting point of multiple positive changes in your life.

Improves Emotional Health - In addition to helping to manage stress and anxiety, meditation is also known to aid in improving emotional health. When you meditate regularly, your self-awareness increases significantly, which has a direct positive impact on your self-image and in having a more positive outlook on life. The persistent practice of regular meditation helps to reduce depression in the long-term. Scientists opine that this reduced level of depression is directly related to reduced production of cytokines, which are inflammatory chemicals produced in the body in response to stress and anxiety, which leads to depression. Comparative studies were conducted on the brain activities of people who meditate and those who did not. These studies showed considerable, measurable changes in brain activity in regular meditators, especially in the regions connected with optimism and positive thinking. Improves Focus and Attention Span - Problems with focus, attention span, and concentration are not just for kids. These problems affect a multitude of adults around the world, regardless of being diagnosed with attention deficiency disorder (ADD) or not. Just like how muscle-building and endurance exercises strengthen your muscles, meditation facilitates the strengthening of your focus and attention span. As you meditate regularly, your ability to reorient your wandering mind to bring back its attention to the work at hand will improve considerably. With continued practice, you will find that you can stay focused on one particular task with increasing ease. Also, your memory will get a boost, as well. Some studies have also shown that meditation makes it possible to reverse and correct brain patterns that contribute to poor attention, excessive worrying, and wandering of the mind.

The best part is that you can feel these benefits within short periods of meditation exercises. Studies on people preparing for the Graduate Record Examination (GRE) showed that their focus and memory for the verbal reasoning section improved considerably with just two weeks of meditation practice. Reduces Age-Related Memory Loss - Studies of Kirtan Kriya, a specific type of meditation in which participants chant a mantra while making repetitive finger movements to improve focus, reveal that age-related memory loss can be slowed down. Multiple studies on the elderly showed that various types of meditation styles helped in improved mental sharpness, memory, and attention span of the participants. Also, some dementia-affected patients showed partial improvement in memory through meditation. Meditation is also useful for caregivers of elderly patients with dementia, both family members, as well as professional caregivers. Increases Kindness and Compassion - Certain types of meditation like Metta or loving-kindness meditation, help develop kindness and compassion toward everyone, including yourself. Ideally, this kind of meditation starts by developing kindness toward yourself and then projecting this kindness onto other people around you. Loving-kindness meditation helps you extend the self-compassion you develop first to friends and loved ones, then to acquaintances and strangers, and ultimately even to your enemies. Multiple surveys have shown that people who practiced meditation felt increasingly compassionate toward themselves as well as others. Also, studies demonstrated that this feeling of kindness and compassion was directly proportional to the dose of meditation. The more you meditate on loving-kindness, the more positive feelings you will be able to generate into your life. Consistent practice of

Metta meditation has also been shown to reduce social anxiety, conflicts in marriages and help with anger management. Improves Quality of Sleep - Thanks to the stresses of modern times, a large percentage of the world’s urban population is diagnosed and treated for insomnia. In studies that worked with controlled groups, it was noticed that the group who meditated reported improved quality of sleep and sleep patterns, whereas the participants who did not practice meditation continued to have sleep-related problems. Meditation helps you fall asleep sooner and helps you sleep for a longer period. A skilled practitioner can redirect racing thoughts that are one of the primary causes of insomnia. Meditation also helps to relax your body, release tension, and takes you to a peaceful state of mind, all of which are excellent sleep triggers. Therefore, meditation techniques are great to control and redirect runaway thoughts that hamper sleep in addition to helping you to relax and release tension in your body and mind. Consequently, the time taken to fall asleep is reduced, and you also end up getting a more restful sleep than without practicing meditation. Helps Fight Addictions - Meditation calls for an immense amount of mental discipline. As you progress from a novice meditator and increase the quality and quantity of time and energy you invest in meditation, you will see your mental power and willpower strengthening slowly and steadily. The selfawareness achieved through meditation also helps to improve your selfcontrol. All of these positive impacts are highly useful in identifying and controlling addictive behaviors. Research studies have shown that meditation helps practitioners to redirect their attention and focus productively, teaching them better emotional control.

When you practice meditation regularly, you will find it easy to identify the root cause of your addictions for which you can find ways to root out these nasty behaviors from your life. Studies have shown that people who meditate regularly tend to have better control over their cravings and also manage their craving-related stress in a much better way than those who do not meditate. Experts opine that the reason for the potential of meditation techniques helping people overcome addiction lies in the fact that meditation helps people disconnect the act of addiction (such as drinking, smoking, binge-eating, etc.) from the state of craving. Encouraged by the results of such studies, physicians also recommend meditation as part of the treatment for recovering alcoholics. Therefore, meditation is also known to help you control the food cravings, and that results in reduced binge and emotional eating behaviors. Meditation helps a person develop willpower and mental discipline, which in turn, helps you identify and avoid unwanted impulses and cravings that form the root cause of addictions. Helps with Pain Management – Both Psychiatrists and physicians believe that pain management is more about managing your state of mind than overcoming its physical aspects through painkillers. Experts, through various studies, have concluded that the effects of pain can be elevated by stress. As such, meditation is a great way of calming and relaxing your mind and is an effective pain management tool. Studies on the brain activity of meditation practitioners showed that there is an increased amount of activity in the areas that are known to control and manage pain. People who practice meditation also reported reduced sensitivity to pain. Even in the long-term management of chronic or intermittent pain, meditation techniques are useful as a supplementary therapy.

In all the studies conducted, non-meditating and meditating participants experienced the same causes of pain. Those who meditated demonstrated a greater ability to manage and cope with pain than those who did not meditate regularly. Therefore, experts opine that meditation has the power to reduce the perception and sensitivity to pain, which, in turn, makes it an excellent supplementary therapy for chronic and intermittent pain management. Helps to Reduce Blood Pressure - Meditation is also known to reduce strain on the heart, which, in turn, helps to reduce blood pressure and other stresses related to the vascular system. High blood pressure is one of the primary causes of strain on the heart as it makes the heart work harder to pump enough blood needed by the body. This continued strain and stress on the heart can lead to reduced functionality. Narrowing of the arteries or atherosclerosis is another harmful effect of high blood pressure, which can lead to strokes and heart attacks. Studies have shown that multiple types of meditation techniques have the potential to reduce blood pressure significantly, especially for the elderly. Meditation is believed to relax the nerve signals coordinating heart function resulted in controlled blood pressure. These nerve signals also impact the tension in blood vessels as well as the fight-or-flight responses, both of which increase during stressful conditions. It has been seen that meditation not only reduces blood pressure during the time of practice but also in the long-term, especially for regular practitioners. Reduced blood pressure directly decreases the strain and stress on heart functions, thereby preventing vascular and heart-related diseases.

Meditation and Brain Activity Research on meditation and its effects on the brain has been ongoing for many decades now, and we are learning about new benefits with each newly published study. In fact, it’s fair to say that, everything our ancestors knew about the benefits of meditation is now being scientifically proven through MRI scans, EEGs (electroencephalogram,) and other scientific processes. There are numerous neurological benefits of meditation, ranging from increased volume of the brain’s gray matter to reduced activity in stressrelated areas of the brain. Here are some of the direct benefits of meditation on the functioning and activities of the brain. Meditation Helps Brain-Function Preservation - What this means is that long-term practitioners of meditation had better-preserved brains than those who did not practice meditation. An increase in the volume of gray matter in people who had meditated for over 20 years regularly was observed in various studies. In fact, research scientists observed the widespread effects of meditation across the entire brain. Meditation Helps Reduce the Activity in the Default Mode Network (DMN) – The DMN is also referred to as the ‘me center,’ and is the part of the brain responsible for mind-wandering and thought traffic. This has, on occasion, been called the ‘monkey mind,’ given the propensity for the mind to leap, monkey-like, from one thought to another. The DMN is most active when we are not focused on any one thought or idea but are continuously and mindlessly thinking different thoughts one after another. Studies have shown that meditation reduces activity in the DMN, which improves focus and concentration.

Mind-wandering is believed to be one cause of unhappiness. Therefore, it is the goal of human beings to dial down the activity of DMN. The quieting effects of meditation impact the DMN and reduce activity in the network. Effects Similar to Antidepressants - Research studies comparing the effects of antidepressants and meditation showed that the effect of regular meditation had the same effect as using antidepressants to reduce symptoms of pain, anxiety, and depression. After all, the effect of meditation is actively training the mind to increase awareness. The effects of meditation on the brain is observed to be similar to how drugs work on the brain. Therefore, psychiatrists recommend meditation as a supplementary theory to manage depression symptoms. Increases the Volume of Important Areas of the Brain - Studies showed that eight weeks of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), which is a form of therapeutic meditation technique, increased cortical thickness of the hippocampus. The hippocampus is that part of the brain that governs memory and learning. The cortical thickness of other areas of the brain, such as those that regulate emotion and self-referential processing, also increases with meditation. Cell volume in the amygdala decreases with meditation. The amygdala is responsible for stress, anxiety, and fear. In those brain regions, the changes in cell volume matched with the participants’ self-reports about their stress levels. This indicates that meditation is not only changing brain cell volumes, but also that the subjects were experiencing changes in perception and feelings too. In fact, long-term meditation has a positive impact on the practitioner’s moods, arousals, and overall psychological well-being.

Meditation is something that anyone and everyone can do for improved emotional, physical, and mental health. Needing no special memberships or equipment, you can practice meditation anywhere, anytime. Meditation can be practiced together in a group or by yourself. Multiple support groups and meditation courses are also available both through online sources as well as in offline mode. Each style of meditation has its benefits and strengths, and depending on your requirements, you can move between meditation styles with little trouble.

Chapter Two: Types of Meditation and How to Use Them Meditation is like sports and has multiple disciplines and types under its umbrella. Various types of meditation require different types of skills and are useful for different purposes. Mental health experts, spiritual leaders, and meditation educators and instructors from around the world have developed numerous forms and types of meditation. It is difficult to award the ‘best’ or ‘right’ tag to any one type of meditation. Each type is suitable for various needs and circumstances. The existence of so many types of meditation means there is a form to suit most people, regardless of lifestyle, personality, or need. It is best to try different options and take on that which is aligned with your needs and works best for you. As a beginner, you will find it almost impossible to sit for hours on end, trying to focus your mind in such a way that it achieves ‘emptiness,’ which is the ultimate goal for all practitioners. Thanks to technology, multiple tools in the form of DVDs, brain-sensors, and other devices are available to help you get into the groove. Typically, as a beginner, your journey of meditation starts with focusing on the breath to achieve focus and concentration. Slowly and steadily, with continued practice, you can increase the complexity and difficulty of meditation. Meditation types differ on various grounds, including frequency, depth, and subtypes. Here are seven of the most common types of meditation that are highly beneficial for the well-being of the body and mind.

Breathing Meditation Sometimes referred to as ‘breath-awareness meditation,’ this type is focused on teaching the practitioner how to be mindful of their breath. This kind of meditation involves practitioners breathing slowly and deeply even as they count their breaths or focus on the inhalation and exhalation of air through the nostrils. Breathing meditation aims to get your mind to focus on your breath and keep out all other thoughts that enter your mind. Breath awareness meditation, which can be seen as a form of mindfulness meditation, provides multiple benefits, including reducing anxiety and stress, improved emotional strength, and improved concentration. A Simple Breathing Meditation Technique for the Beginner Here is a simple meditation technique that can be an excellent introduction for you as a beginner. Follow these steps: Sit down or lie down comfortably. It is better to sit down instead of lying down as you might run the risk of falling asleep while lying down. Use a cushion for added comfort. Ensure your back is straight and relaxed. ●

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Close your eyes. You can use an eye mask to keep out the external light as well. Do not try to control your breath in any way. Simply breathe normally and naturally. Focus on each inhalation and exhalation and observe the movements that occur in your body as you breathe. Observe how your belly, chest, rib cage, and shoulders move as you breathe.

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Your mind is bound to wander. Be conscious of this, and each time your mind wanders, get your focus back on your breath.

Do this meditation for about 2-3 minutes each day to start with. Slowly and steadily increase the duration.

Body-Scan Meditation This technique is also called progressive relaxation and is designed to help people focus on and scan body and/or body parts to release stress and tension. This technique aims to observe the stress on the different parts of the body, which helps release these tensions. Typically, in a body-scan meditation technique, practitioners start at one end of their body and gradually work toward all the other parts of the body. So, a practitioner will focus on his or her legs and slowly move up through the ankles, calves, knees, thighs, and so forth until the focus reaches the top of the head. At each point, the practitioner observes the knots and tensions. Interestingly, the simple act of observing the tensions is sufficient to release them. While most types of body-scan or progressive meditation techniques are designed to promote general calmness, some subtypes help in the management of chronic pain as well. As this technique slowly and steadily relaxes all the muscles in the body, many people use it as an aid to get to sleep. The primary purpose of body-scan meditation is to focus on the physical discomforts that become part of our lives as we get completely caught up in the routine stresses of our daily life. Nagging headaches, shoulder and back pain, tense muscles, etc. continue to do their background work, enhancing our discomfort even as we continue to either disregard or forget their existence.

However, these nagging physical pains are connected with and negatively impact our emotional well-being. Body-scan meditation helps to release these kinds of physical discomfort and relaxes your body and mind. Follow these steps (it takes about 5-10 minutes) for a simple body-scan technique: ●

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Sit or lie down comfortably. While the sitting posture is good enough, lying down is better, especially if you are looking at relaxing your body before falling asleep. Take a few breaths and allow your breathing to slow down. Breathe through your stomach instead of your chest, allowing your abdomen to contract and expand as you exhale and inhale. Your stomach must look like an expanding and contracting balloon as you fill it with and empty it of air as you breathe in and out. Start the body scan with your feet. Focus on them and see if you feel any uncomfortable sensations. Pay attention to these discomforts and breathe into them. Observe what happens when you do this. Imagine the tense muscles in your feet relax, and the knots and tension being released out into the air. When you feel your feet are fully relaxed, then move on to the ankles. Repeat this process for every part of your body. After the ankles, move on to your lower legs, knees, thighs, hips, abdomen, chest, shoulders, arms, palms, fingers, neck, face, and finally, the head. At each point, focus on any kind of tightness you feel until the tension is released and that part of the body relaxes completely. By the time you reach your head, your entire body will have relaxed, and knots and

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Tension released, leaving you happier and less stressed than before. You can also do an abridged version of this technique, which can be used when you don't have the time for an entire body scan. Sit comfortably and observe any place in your body that is tense and tight. Focus and breathe into that part and continue with your work. The abridged version will become increasingly easy for you as you practice the complete body scan regularly.

Body-scan meditation promotes body and stress awareness and total relaxation. Practice it daily just before falling asleep.

Mindfulness Meditation The term ‘mindfulness’ is used to refer to many things, including: ●

A psychological state of awareness

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The practices that help to enhance this awareness

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A mode of processing data and information

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A personality trait

Several types of practices and disciplines can help to cultivate mindfulness like tai chi, yoga, and qigong. However, most of the literature and activities around mindfulness is focused on meditation. From a perspective of meditation, mindfulness can be defined as a moment-to-moment, nonjudgmental awareness of our experiences. In this form of meditation, practitioners learn to become aware and sustain awareness of the present moment. This type of meditation helps us to focus on being completely engaged in the present moment instead of dwelling on past regrets and future uncertainties,

both of which we have absolutely no control over. The most important element in mindfulness meditation is to be aware of everything that is happening right now and observing them without judgment or bias. For example, if you are forced to wait in a long line for something instead of fretting unnecessarily over the wait, mindfulness meditation encourages you to observe that you are waiting and that you should wait without judging anyone, including yourself. The best part of mindfulness meditation is that you don't need a special ambiance, space, or even time for it. You can practice mindfulness in whatever activity you are currently engaged in. Here is an illustration. Suppose you are waiting in line at a grocery store check-out counter. Indulge in observing everything that is happening while you are waiting. You can take in the sounds, sights, and smells of the surroundings without passing any kind of judgments on the sensations you are receiving. Try and label each of the sensations, instead. For example, if you notice a child crying, simply observe him or her crying without trying to answer the whys and what’s of the event. Just observe the child crying and label the event in your mind as ‘child is crying.’ Similarly, if you smell something, try and identify the source of the smell without focusing on whether you like it or not. In the same way, if you hear something, try and identify the sound. It could be the horn of a passing vehicle, sounds of a conversation happening next to you, or anything else. To reiterate an important point of mindfulness meditation, the trick is to observe and be aware of everything around you, without judgement. Mindfulness meditation has numerous subtypes and is also being studied and researched extensively. Research studies demonstrate the power of mindfulness meditation to help in: ●

Reducing the harmful effects of negative emotions

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Improving focus, concentration, and memory

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Reducing emotional and impulsive reactions

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Improving relationships

Some studies have even proved the effectiveness of mindfulness meditation in the treatment of chronic vascular diseases. Breathing and body-scan techniques can also be seen as mindfulness techniques. In breathing meditation, you are mindful of every breath you take, and in body-scan meditation, you are mindful of every part of your body. In this section, let us look at how you can use your daily routine activities to improve mindfulness in your life. Mindful Walking - Have you thought about how your mind wanders through a million different thoughts when you walk? Consequently, your body is walking, and your mind is doing something else. This situation is the opposite of mindfulness. So, how do you walk mindfully? Use the following ideas to help you achieve this: ●

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Walk at a natural pace even as you keep your hands in a comfortable position. Count steps up to 10, pause for a while, and start counting backward to 1. If you are in a small space, then you can turn around slowly at the count of 10 and then start counting backward. With every step, focus on the lifting and falling of your foot. Observe the movements of your legs and the rest of the body. Your mind is likely to wander to other thoughts. Be aware of this and gently bring back the attention of your mind to the sensations of walking.

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If you are walking outdoors, then you can expand the environment of awareness and focus on the sights and smells that you encounter, which also helps you stay safe.

Mindful Eating - Mindful eating helps you control your eating habits and is known to promote weight loss, helps in the reduction of binge-eating, and makes you feel good about yourself, enhancing your level of confidence and self-esteem. Mindful eating involves: ●

Eating slowly while chewing each mouthful 20 times.

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Eating without distractions, including TV, mobiles, etc.

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Watching out for and discerning between physical and real hunger cues before sitting for a meal instead of emotional hunger cues driven by stress, emotions, etc. Engaging with your senses as you eat, including the texture, color, smells, and flavors in your meal. Enjoying, appreciating, and being grateful for your meal.

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Identifying anxiety and guilt factors associated with excessive eating habits. Knowing and acknowledging that eating is to maintain overall good health and physical and mental well-being and not for indulgence. Observing the effects of eating on your physical body and feelings.

These pointers help you replace automatic thoughts and your auto-responses to them with healthier and more conscious responses so that you eat well and eat right. Mindful Talking and Conversing - Having meaningful human connections is a timeless need in which modern-day conversation styles deny us. Therefore, it is important to invest time and energy to have mindful conversations with people around you to build strong, sustaining relationships, which, in turn, makes your life more meaningful. Mindful conversations involve: ●

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Turning off all distractions like mobiles, computer notifications, etc., during the conversation. Maintaining eye contact. Paying attention to both the verbal and nonverbal cues in the conversation. Observing the tone of voice, gestures, postures, etc. of the speaker to understand what he or she is trying to say. Preventing your mind from wandering and keeping out unrelated thoughts from your mind. Understanding the opinion of the speaker without bias, judgment, criticism, and defensiveness. Being aware of the external surroundings that can have an impact on the interaction. For example, the mood of the people in a group, the existing political, geographical, economic scenarios, etc. Responding to questions and pointers instead of reacting to them.

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Completely immersing and engaging yourself in the conversation so that you can catch the purport of every word and every nonverbal cue.

As such, mindfulness is all about being acutely aware of everything that is happening, both internally and externally, as you go about your daily life. This way of life enhances your sense of awareness. Consequently, you can make sensible, informed choices in life, resulting in reduced stress, anxiety, and worries.

Loving-Kindness Meditation Also known as Metta meditation, loving-kindness meditation aims to cultivate an attitude of love and compassion in the mind of practitioners. The focus of this type of meditation is to look at everything and everyone around you, including your sources of stress, opponents, and enemies, with love, kindness, and compassion. This technique involves opening your heart and mind to receiving lovingkindness, even as you focus on your breath. Even as you prepare yourself to receive love and kindness, you also send messages of love and compassion to the outside world and everything in it. Alternatively, you can choose to send loving-kindness messages to specific people in your life. In most of the subtypes of this meditation type, practitioners repeat compassionate messages multiple times until they feel love and kindness in their hearts as well as toward the world or a specific, targeted person or thing. Loving-kindness meditation techniques are designed to promote compassion and love for yourself and for others. Loving-kindness meditation is helpful for people affected by anger, resentment, frustrations, and interpersonal conflict.

Loving-kindness meditation has the potential to increase positive emotions. Research studies have shown that practicing this kind of meditation is useful to reduce anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress. Here is a simple Metta meditation technique that will slowly but surely strengthen your feelings of kindness, compassion, and connection with people in your life. First, you receive love, kindness, and happiness from other people. In the second phase, you send the received love and compassion to other people. This moderately difficult form of meditation technique will need about 15 minutes daily of daily practice. Receiving Love and Kindness ●

Sit comfortably on a chair and close your eyes.

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Make sure your entire body is relaxed. You can do a short body-scan meditation to achieve a relaxed state with no feelings of strain and stress. Keep your eyes closed right through the meditation session and turn your awareness inward. Think of a person in your life, dead or alive, who loved you very much. It can be anyone; a parent, a spiritual guide, a friend, or anyone else. Imagine this person standing on your right and sending you their love. Imagine this person sending you wishes for happiness, wellbeing, and safety. Feel these loving wishes coming your way from this person who loves you very much. Now, shift your focus on to another person who loves and cherishes you. Imagine this person to be standing on your left and sending you kind and compassionate wishes.

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Feel the warmth and kindness of this person coming to you.

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Now, extend this imagination further. Visualize yourself as being surrounded on all sides by loved ones who are sending you wishes of happiness and kindness. They are all standing close to you, forming a circle and sending you love and warm wishes. You feel fulfilled, and your body and mind are overflowing with love and warmth.

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Sending Love and Kindness In this phase, you focus on sending love and kindness to these very same people. Start by focusing on the person on your right. Send back the love and kindness collected from others to this person. Recall the basic human need for happiness at this point. Tell yourself that you and this person who is standing on your right want the same thing from life, namely happiness. With this thought in the background, send wishes of happiness and love to this individual. Repeat the following as you send your love, ‘May you be happy and free from pain.’ Next, move your attention to the person on your left and direct your love and kindness toward him or her. Send all your happy wishes to him again, recalling the basic human need for happiness, which is what connects you to this person. Repeat the following in your mind, ‘May you live in peace, harmony, and happiness just as I wish to.’ Next, think of a third person in your life who is close to you (perhaps a friend or a relative) wishes for peace, kindness, and happiness. Send love and warm wishes in the same way, repeating positive affirmations like the ones mentioned in the above two examples.

Now, move your focus to a neutral person like a new acquaintance or someone toward whom you have no particularly strong feelings. Recall the fact that both of you wish to have a good life and want happiness and kindness. Send your love and warmth to this person repeating one of the mantras mentioned in the above examples. Repeat this exercise with a couple of neutral people towards whom you have no significant feeling. Next, expand your awareness and imagine the entire world filled with people, all of whom are seeking the same love, kindness, and compassion that you seek. Send your love and warmth to everyone in your imagined world. Make sure you repeat the love and kindness mantra. When you feel fulfilled and satisfied, take a deep breath in and out, and let the visualization in your mind go free. Notice how you feel after releasing this image from your mind. When you feel ready, go ahead and open your eyes.

Kundalini Meditation Kundalini meditation combines physical movement, deep breathing, and mantras to form a physically active form. Typically, kundalini meditation is learned from a trained and qualified practitioner. However, you can also learn the poses and mantras at home. Kundalini is a form of yoga, and like other yoga is known to improve physical strength and pain while helping in the build-up of mental health through the reduction of depression and anxiety. Numerous studies on the use of Kundalini yoga for chronic low-back pain have shown its efficacy in reducing pain, increasing energy, and improving general mental health. Kundalini Meditation, also referred to as Kundalini Yoga, is a blend of physical and spiritual practices.

It incorporates dynamic breathing techniques, movement, chanting of mantras, and meditation. The primary goal of Kundalini Yoga is to enhance physical vitality as well as your consciousness. The foundation of this meditation technique is the belief that life is replete with vibrant energy, and everyone and everything we come in contact with is a form of energy. Kundalini meditation is designed to awaken the power of your latent internal energy in a way that every aspect of your life is impacted positively. In Sanskrit, Kundalini means “coiled snake.” Hinduism, a religion practiced fervently in the Indian subcontinent, believes that the region at the base of the spinal cord is where divine energy is created and is the energy we are all born with. Kundalini meditation is designed to “uncoil the snake” and consequently connect us with our internal divine energy that is released from the base of the spine. According to Kundalini Yoga, human beings have energy ‘locked’ up in different points in our body, resulting in it becoming stuck. This stuck energy prevents it from flowing freely in our body, thereby resulting in the loss of our mind-body connection. With Kundalini meditation, you can “pull up” the energy from the coiled snake and direct it through the “energy centers” taking it all the way to the crown of the head and into the external world to creating a balance in the energy centers which are called ‘chakras.’ The most common breathing exercise used in Kundalini is called Long Deep Breathing. In this exercise, you breathe in and out slowly and deeply through your nose by expanding your stomach during inhalation and contracting it during exhalation. Every meditation and kriya (which is the name given to the physical movements in Kundalini Yoga) has a specific posture and breath to release specific energy centers.

Mantras form an essential part of Kundalini Yoga. The chants and sounds of these mantras have the potential to trigger chemical reactions in your body and brain positively impacting your mood. Our moods are believed to vibrate at specific frequencies, and by chanting mantras, we are effectively channelizing the positive power of these vibrating frequencies. Also, mudras or hand gestures play an important role in Kundalini meditation. In terms of the specificity and the complexities of breathing exercises, kriyas, and mudras, it is best to use the services of a trained and qualified teacher to learn Kundalini meditation and derive its benefits.

Zen Meditation Also referred to as Zazen, Zen meditation is part of the Buddhist tradition. Ideally, Zen practitioners learn this form of meditation under the guidance of a teacher as this form involves specific postures and steps. Like mindfulness meditation, Zen also involves a mindful focus on one’s thoughts without judgment. Although it is similar to mindfulness meditation in some respects, Zen meditation requires a lot more practice and a disciplined approach. Some people choose the Zen way because it promises not only relaxation and heightened awareness but also shows practitioners a new spiritual way. Zen meditation has its roots in a type of Indian meditation called ‘dhyana.’ It is a simple method, but it is critical to follow the correct posture for positive results. Use the following tips for Zen meditation. Find a place that is peaceful, quiet where you will be undisturbed. The place you choose should not be too dark or light or too cold or warm. Ideally, taking a full or half-lotus position is the best posture to practice Zen meditation. The lotus position is called Padmasana in Sanskrit, where Padma means lotus.

In the full lotus position, your legs look like Lotus petals that are gently dropping open. Here is a small set of steps to explain the full lotus position: ●

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Sit on the floor (use a folded blanket) and extend your legs. There is a special cushion for Zen practice called zafu in Japanese. You can invest in one or use a folded blanket or a comfortable cushion that you already have at home. Make sure your back is straight, and your arms are resting by your sides. Now, bend your right knee and hug it to your chest Bring your right ankle to the crease of your left hip and place it so that the soles of your feet are facing upward. Next, bend your left knee, hug it to your chest, and bring the left ankle to your right hip in the same way as you need for the right ankle. In this way, your left leg will be over your right leg.

Hand variations are many. You can place your hands on your thighs with your palms facing upwards. You can place your palms together in prayer position. You can create a circle with your index finger and thumb and then place the back of the hand on the thighs. ● Make sure that your spine is erect, and you are ready for Zen meditation. Relax your facial muscles and turn your gaze inwards, focusing on the “third eye,” which is the space between your eyebrows. ●

Hold this position for as long as you can, and during this time, you should use the breathing meditation technique mentioned in this chapter.

When you have finished, release your pose slowly and redo the meditation for the same duration with the other leg on the upper position. In the half-lotus position, you place one foot on the opposite thigh, close to the crease of the hip, and place the other foot beneath the other thigh. As a beginner, you can start with the half-position and then move to the full posture. It is not easy to get the lotus position correct initially. It might even seem unnatural and quite uncomfortable in the beginning. But with repeated, persistent practice, you will find success and also will see that your legs and hips get increasingly flexible. However, if you don't get this posture right at all, then you can sit on a chair, though it is the least recommended position. Some tips and advice on Zen meditation and the lotus position: Make sure your back and neck are as erect as possible. It is vital not to be too tense or too relaxed while trying to find the right balance. Your mouth must be closed, your teeth together, and your tongue should be against the roof of your mouth. Typically, during Zen meditation, practitioners keep their eyes open to prevent becoming drowsy or daydreaming. Direct your vision to any spot on the floor that is about one meter away from you. Alternatively, you can sit facing a blank wall to avoid distractions. The right breathing technique is Zen is achieved only through the correct posture. Breathe through your nose and keep your mouth closed. Just try and set up a long, calm, and deep natural breathing rhythm. Zen meditation helps you achieve the right state of mind naturally by focusing on your breathing and posture. You must fight to escape or pursue the thoughts, emotions, and images that cross your mind during Zen meditation.

The more you fight these thoughts, the stronger they will become. Just remember to observe them without forming any attachment to them. Look at them as you would watch the clouds move in the sky. When you realize that you are interacting with your thoughts, bring back your focus on your posture and breathing. Your mind will settle down on its own. The ultimate goal of Zen meditation is to sit without any goal, purpose, or intention of getting any benefit. Your breathing, posture, and state of mind will automatically and naturally align harmoniously with each other.

Transcendental Meditation This type of meditation is a spiritual form where practitioners sit comfortably and breathe slowly and deeply. This type of meditation aims to rise above (or transcend) beyond the existing state of being. Ideally, during a transcendental meditation session, practitioners focus on continuously repeating a mantra, which is a meaningful and power-packed phrase or series of words. This type of meditation is also best learned from a teacher who can help you decide which mantra to use based on multiple factors, including your date of birth, and sometimes, even the year when the teacher underwent transcendental meditation training. Most modern practitioners confuse affirmations with mantras though technically, this contemporary version is not really transcendental meditation despite the apparent similarities. Practitioners of transcendental meditation have reported improvements in awareness as well as in spiritual experiences.

Final Word on Meditation The challenge for beginners is not in understanding and accepting the irrefutable importance and benefits of meditation but getting into the disciplined and motivated mode needed to leverage its power and advantages. We all need a bit of help concerning the habit-building aspect of meditation. The daily habit is highly critical if you want to go far in the practice of meditation. Here are a few tips to make meditation a daily habit in your life: ●

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Choose a time of day and place to meditate daily. A quiet, undisturbed corner is sufficient. Early mornings immediately after you wake up or late nights just before falling asleep are great options. However, these are only suggestions. Choose a time that is most suitable for you and fits into your lifestyle with little or no hitch. Keep an alarm on your phone to remind you when it is time for your meditation session. Try out all the meditation techniques given in this book or those that you have read elsewhere. Sooner rather than later, you will be able to discern what works best for you. Initially, keep your sessions short, typically not more than 5 minutes. Increase the duration of sessions by just one minute each week until you can meditate for 20 minutes at a stretch.

To enhance the motivation for regular meditation, connect meditation and its benefits to the values of your life. Let us use an illustration to help you understand this concept.

Suppose the values in life are parenting, career, spirituality, and creativity. Now, see how you can connect meditation to each of these values. Meditation and Career - Meditation gives you the power to focus so that you can improve your performance at work. It helps you achieve clarity of thought so that each decision you make regarding your career moves gives you optimal results. Meditation enables you to achieve higher levels of emotional intelligence, empowering you to handle the ups and downs of your career with equanimity. Meditation helps you improve your listening skills, thereby helping you become a better leader than before. Meditation is a great way to replenish your energy levels so that you can be alert right through the day. Meditation and Parenting - Meditation gives you calmness of mind so that you don't end up snapping at your children driven by issues at work or anywhere else. It helps you set a great example of character-building for your children. After all, children follow what they see rather than what they hear. Meditation helps you engage and immerse with your children in all their tasks. Meditation helps you keep your sanity even when children throw tantrums. Meditation gives you clarity of mind so that you recognize what is good for your children and what is not. Meditation and Creativity - Meditation gives you clarity regarding your emotions, which, in turn, helps you find the best way to articulate them. Meditation is, therefore, directly connected to creativity. The more time you spend meditating, the more creative and innovative you will become. Meditation allows you to connect to higher levels of consciousness and dig deep into your consciousness to know your true desires and needs. Meditation opens up your heart and mind and helps you identify and appreciate the beauty of nature and art in myriad forms.

Like the examples mentioned above, identify your life values and see how meditation helps you achieve these values and principles. The trick is in connecting your life purposes and values to meditation, which will help you realize the value of this vital daily habit making it easier to stay motivated and stick to your regular meditation regimen. Remember to make yourself accountable for your actions and their consequences. Tell people around you that you are starting meditation. It might be a great idea to put it on social media. Even if you forget about it, others in your group are likely to ask you about your progress, which can be a wonderful way to wake you up from your slumber and take action. Your life is yours alone, and if you don't decide to take control of it, things will become out of your control. So, go ahead and get your life back on track by leveraging the power, advantages, and benefits of meditation sooner than you think.

Chapter Three: Understanding Hypnosis History, Benefits, and Uses All of us are familiar with the rather clichéd and stereotypical line, “You are slowly falling asleep” that is connected with hypnotism, right? In fact, this line leads us to believe that hypnosis is something ‘bad’ and a hypnotist can control us completely during a hypnotic state. Similarly, you may have seen stage hypnosis, when the phenomenon is said to be ‘magical.’ However, in truth, like meditation, hypnosis is a useful self-development tool to live life more meaningfully and happily than before. Hypnosis can be seen as a form of meditation to achieve a specific goal. Meditation and hypnosis are similar concepts in the fact that both are excellent tools to achieve a state of deep relaxation and concentration. So, what is hypnosis? It is a mental state where you achieve supremely focused concentration, heightened suggestibility, and reduced peripheral awareness. Hypnosis is a genuine psychological phenomenon that has multiple therapeutic uses in clinical practice. The process of hypnotism typically includes three distinct steps, namely: ●

Hypnotic Induction - This is the process that is used to achieve hypnosis. Ideally, the person undergoing hypnosis is made to sit comfortably in a chair or made to lie down on a couch or bed with eyes closed. Controlled breathing techniques can also be used to enhance the feeling of comfort.

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Then, a memorized script, tape recording, or a live hypnotherapist is used in the process of hypnotic induction. Hypnotic State - This state is achieved after hypnotic induction. The hypnotic state represents a calm, focused state of mind with heightened awareness. In this state, the person in a hypnotic state feels physically and mentally relaxed. Hypnotic Suggestion - When the person reaches the hypnotic state, he or she is ready to receive hypnotic suggestions, created to replace automatic thoughts in the subconscious mind. Suggestions can be formulated in different ways; the traditional methods involve suggestions given as direct commands to the subconscious mind. In Ericksonian hypnosis, metaphors are used to make suggestions. In the neuro-linguistic programming method, suggestions mimic the patient’s thought patterns.

Trained experts employ a multitude of techniques to induce a hypnotic state in people. The power of suggestion is one of the primary reasons why hypnosis is used for relaxation, reduction of pain, and to bring about positive behavioral changes. Hypnosis is also referred to as a hypnotic suggestion or hypnotherapy. Hypnotherapists combine soothing verbal repetitions and mental imagery to get patients into a trance-like state. When patients are totally and completely relaxed, therapists use suggestive messages to bring about positive transformations in the mind of the person under hypnosis. Interestingly, research has proved that not all human beings are equally hypnotizable. Some people appear to be more open to suggestions and hypnotherapy than others.

The ‘hypnotizability’ trait differs from person to person. Brain imaging techniques reveal that patterns in brain connectivity differ in people who are responsive to hypnotherapy and those who are not. Before we move on to understand more about hypnosis, it might make sense to know the differences between the various terms used in this field. ●

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Hypnosis - Also referred to as the hypnotic state, hypnosis is the highly focused and relaxed state of mind that is reached after being hypnotized. Hypnotism - The process of hypnotic induction used to achieve the hypnotic state is called hypnotism. Hypnotherapy - This term refers to the use of hypnosis and hypnotism as a therapeutic tool. Hypnotherapists are trained and qualified professionals who help people to achieve hypnosis-powered self-development goals.

The Truth About Hypnosis For a long time, hypnosis was considered to be one of the most controversial and misunderstood methods of psychological therapy. Misconceptions and myths surrounding hypnotherapy are mostly based on hypnotism produced by stage artists and magicians, which is nothing but a theatrical performance and has nothing in common with hypnosis being used as psychological therapy. In a hypnotic state, people appear to be more open to suggestions than in their normal state. Positive suggestions given to people during hypnosis are called “post-hypnotic suggestions.” They do not take effect until the person has emerged from the hypnotic state.

The suggestions given to people, when they are in the hypnotic state, play a crucial role in the entire process of hypnotherapy. Direct suggestions to bring about positive changes are typically not responded to by people in the normal psychological state of mind. However, during hypnosis, it seems that suggestions make a ‘backdoor’ entry into the consciousness of the affected person. This place is believed to be the root of important psychological or behavioral changes. Another important myth to be dismissed is that people under hypnosis are not in control of themselves. Nothing can be further from the truth. Hypnotized people are completely in control of themselves and will not act or do anything objectionable or harmful to themselves or others. For a person to undergo hypnotherapy for positive results, he or she must participate in the process voluntarily and must have the ability to be hypnotized. In fact, highly hypnotizable people do not always benefit from hypnotherapy. Moreover, hypnotherapy is not a one-session treatment where lasting changes can be expected. People typically have to undergo a series of procedures to reinforce constructive suggestions repeatedly for positive changes to take place. The most common use of hypnotherapy is to break bad habits, recalling and acknowledging past forgotten memories, overcoming stress, anxiety, and insomnia, and for managing pain.

History of Hypnosis While stage hypnosis and its related ‘magical’ effects are relatively new, the idea of hypnosis has been in use in the field of Western psychology for thousands of centuries. Eastern religions like Hinduism have self-hypnosis as part of their religious rituals. In the 11th century, Avicenna, a famed physician from Persia, is credited with documenting the concept of hypnotism.

One of the earliest forms of using hypnosis as a distinct therapy in the field of psychology is given to Franz Anton Mesmer, an 18th-century healer. Mesmer was a strong believer in astrological principles and opined that heavenly bodies have a direct influence on the physical, emotional, and mental health of human beings. Initially, Mesmer used magnets in grand, theatrical ways resulting in expected spasmodic muscular contractions, which, in turn, frequently resulting in curing of illnesses. Mesmer used rationalistic terms like magnetism and gravitation for his healing methods. He said that these healing methods can influence the subtle fluids within the human body. His methods and subsequent subsets established by others are collectively referred to as Mesmerism. Even though Mesmer and his methods were discredited, later on, he was able to convince his followers that they can channelize their ‘animal magnetism’ to cure and alleviate the symptoms of their illnesses and ailments. The earliest distinction between Mesmer’s kind of ‘mesmerism’ and modern hypnotherapy was made by Dr. James Braid, a Manchester surgeon who coined the term ‘hypnosis’ in 1843. The term has its roots in the name of the Greek God of Sleep Hypnos because most forms of mesmerism involved a sleep-like status for the patient. Braid proposed that the reason for Mesmer’s methods having some effect on followers was the power of suggestion. Braid worked with hypnotherapy, and in his early studies, he thought that hypnosis could result in a unique condition of the nervous system that could be suitable for suggestion-based cures. However, further studies made him reject his own theory, and he emphasized the importance of “mental factors” playing a role in hypnotherapy. However, the neural connection was not entirely dismissed. Ivan Pavlov,

An important figure who contributed immensely to the field of psychology, worked on the neural inhibition theory as part of his research on the physiology of sleep. Many of Pavlov’s ideas have proven to be fairly accurate in a general sense. Jean Marie-Charcot was a French neurologist who started using hypnosis as a therapy to cure a disorder highly prevalent during her time, namely hysteria (which, in Greek, which translates to “wandering uterus”). Sigmund Freud studied this concept with Charcot. However, as he was not a very good hypnotist, he used this theory of reaching the subconscious mind of patients through free association. Modern-day hypnotherapy was founded in the early 20th century by members of a society called “Nancy School of Hypnosis.” The elaborate theories on hypnotic therapy proposed by the founding members of this group replaced many of the older ideas, including the neural connections as well as Braid’s early theories based on magnetism and gravitation. Freud also believed in the theories of the Nancy School, believing that people generally tend to repress painful and traumatic memories. He believed that hypnotherapy could help such people come to terms with these traumatic memories and cure mental and psychological problems rooted in the repressed and forgotten memories. Other important psychologists who contributed to the field of hypnotherapy included Clark Hull (his 1933 discussion based on his research is still used by modern therapists and is considered a classic), Milton Erickson (whose name is most closely connected to clinical hypnosis today), and Jay Hayley (who developed the MRI Interactional Model of therapy). Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is one of the most popular forms of hypnotherapy used by therapists across the world today.

The research on hypnotherapy continues, with people from all over the world reaping the benefits.

Common Misconceptions about Hypnosis Hypnotists cannot make you do anything against your will. No, they cannot make you cluck like a hen or any such ridiculous thing. Hypnosis is not a tool to control the mind. Instead, it is very similar to meditation and allows you to enter into a state of deep relaxation and concentration. The person undergoing hypnosis is in complete control of himself or herself. Here are some common misconceptions about hypnosis for your reference and better understanding: You are unconscious or asleep - The deep state of relaxation and concentration is frequently mistaken for a state of unconsciousness or deep sleep. While the origin of the word is rooted in Hypnos, the Greek God of Sleep, in reality, you don't go to sleep. Under the influence of hypnosis, you are fully awake and are acutely aware of your surroundings and what is happening to you. You lose control - This idea is a total myth. The person under hypnotic induction experiences a heightened level of concentration and focus. All distractions are tuned out, and he or she achieve total relaxation. The person under hypnosis can open his or her eyes at any time and is in complete control. Hypnosis is a magic pill - Hypnosis does not promise to cure anything and everything. You should have a deep desire to make a positive difference in your life, and hypnotherapy is a tool that will help you achieve your desire. However, you have to work at it. Hypnosis is not a magic pill. You can get stuck in a hypnotic state - Many movies depict scenes where the villain hypnotizes someone, and this person can never wake up at all because he or she remains hypnotized forever! This scene is only for fictional movies and does not happen in reality.

In real life hypnosis sessions, you can open your eyes and come back to your surroundings anytime you want.

How Does Hypnotherapy Work? To understand how hypnosis works, you must know how your subconscious (or unconscious) mind works. The subconscious mind controls nearly all of our thoughts and thinking processes. A significant portion of our thoughts originates automatically through the unconscious mind. This is the place where good and bad habits get stuck driven by our repeated and reinforced actions. All our fears, doubts, and worries are also seated in the unconscious mind. For example, a negative experience could have resulted in the development of fear of flying. Regardless of the intensity of the experience, your emotional reactions could have been so strong that your unconscious mind associates flying as being a life-threatening risk. This kind of phobia is also stored in the subconscious mind. In simple terms, hypnosis changes the way we feel, perceive, think, sense, and act, while following someone else’s suggestions. Hypnotic suggestions are most effective when you suspend your conscious control over your thoughts and behaviors. Of course, this calls for a serious level of commitment? After all, why would anyone hand over control of his or her mind to someone else? The thing is that a good and well-trained hypnotherapist can convince you that you are in good and trustworthy hands even while you are only in a partially hypnotic state. Of course, all qualified therapists are trained to teach people to believe in their expertise and assure their clients that no harm will befall them. The fact that the most important element of hypnotherapy is suggestion makes it vital that the therapist is in control of the therapy session so that the client finds it easy to hand over control of his or her mental cognition.

The second vital element of hypnosis is the “focus of attention.” Most hypnotists will tell their clients that the process is nothing more than focusing attention. Can you recall the experience of watching a movie that you were thoroughly engrossed in? Reading a book that you couldn’t put down? Well, both could easily qualify as a hypnotic session. You are, effectively, so engrossed in the movie or the book that you forget everything else going on around you. The element referred to as the “focus of attention” in hypnotherapy works on similar lines. You are so focused on the therapist’s voice that your own thoughts are turned off. Now it becomes easy for the therapist to suggest and implant his or her own words, depending on the expected outcome of the therapy. It is important to remember that all external noise cannot be really be quietened down in a hypnotherapy session, especially in a group session. In such situations, therapists use something called a ‘paradoxical’ statement, which helps to keep these disturbing external noises out of your focus. The third vital element of hypnosis is relaxation, one of the primary reasons for people to turn to hypnotherapy. When the therapist secures your focus on attention, he or she can take you through a standard series of relaxation exercises. Typically, the hypnotherapist will ask you to slowly unwind and untwist the knots and tensions of your muscles, starting from the feet upward, similar to a body-scan meditation therapy. Hypnotherapy is excellent for relaxation. Your eyes are closed, and you are asked to unwind completely, allowing yourself to slip down into the couch. The voice of the hypnotherapist helps you to prevent your own thoughts getting in the way of relaxation and rest.

The fourth element of hypnotherapy is imagery. The hypnotherapist helps you to imagine scenes facilitating the focus of attention. For example, the therapist asks you to imagine that you are slowly and steadily heading down a flight of stairs or in an elevator or even an escalator. A countdown is given as you begin your journey downward, and by the time you reach the bottom, you are in a hypnotic trance, totally focused on the voice of the therapist. At the end of the session, the therapist again uses the imagery in the reverse order. For example, he or she will tell you to imagine you are walking steadily and slowly walking up a flight of stairs, or in an escalator or elevator. Here too, the countdown begins, and you get out of your hypnotic trance as you get closer to the top. So, now you may pose the question “How does your hypnotherapist help you when you are in a ‘trance’ or ‘asleep?’” The mystery of hypnotism begins in this state, right? How can you obey your therapist and take his or her suggestions if you are asleep? How can you hear what the therapist is telling you when you are ‘sleeping?’ Moreover, if it was only to get an hour’s sleep, why would people spend money to see a therapist? Therefore, it can be concluded that hypnotism does involve an altered state of consciousness during which we retain some conscious awareness, which helps us remember what happened after the hypnotic session. So, the question is not “How does hypnosis work?’ but “Why does it work?” Nicolas Spanos, a Canadian psychologist of the 20th century, explained the working of hypnotism, which is accepted even today. Spanos believed that hypnosis does not change the mental state of people. It facilitates the enactment of social roles played by the patient and hypnotist through which positive suggestions are implanted in the mind of the patient. The patient goes for treatment to the hypnotherapist, expecting to be hypnotized.

Therefore, even though the patient appears to be sleeping, he or she can hear everything and follow the instructions of the hypnotist because he is playing the role of a patient. Milton Erickson came up with another explanation for why hypnotism works. His method of hypnotism was not based on relaxation but the use of special language and communication. He would repeat the same idea multiple times to his client, either using the same words or different words and phrases until the patient literally falls asleep, akin to a student falling asleep in a boring lecture. He also used story-telling metaphors to bring on the hypnotic trance likening the tale to the patient’s state of mind and then implanting images of success into his or her mind. Both Spanos and Erickson contributed significantly to our understanding of how and why hypnosis works for human beings.

The Effect of Hypnosis on the Brain So, what happens in your brain when you are in a hypnotic trance? Psychologists opine that hypnosis allows you to work directly with your subconscious mind by bypassing the conscious mind. It is like looking under the hood of a car. Hypnosis allows you to access the deep recesses of your mind. Multiple brain research studies appear to confirm this theory. According to some theories, hypnosis allows you to do the following: Tune out distractions and external stimuli - Brain studies revealed reduced activity in that part of the brain responsible for our conscious awareness. Consequently, researchers have concluded that hypnosis can help us tune our stresses and worries, which, in turn, allows us to immerse and absorb ourselves in the hypnotic experience.

Improve mind-brain connections - Research has shown that during a hypnotic trance, the mind is more acutely tuned in to how it controls the body. This is one of the most important reasons why hypnotic suggestions are useful to control how our body responds to targeted stimuli and triggers like fears, cravings, etc. Reduce self-consciousness - Research on the brain has also shown that the connection between the default mode network and that which controls our conscious awareness is reduced. This reduced connection between these two brain networks allows us to be less self-conscious and more suggestible during hypnosis than when we are not hypnotized.

Benefits and Uses of Hypnosis Hypnotherapy finds a broad and varied range of uses, including disorders affecting the physical, mental, and psychological health of an individual. The state of focused attention, concentration, and inner absorption achieved during hypnosis is so powerful that the power of the mind can be harnessed to help in the symptomatic relief and cure of multiple health disorders, believe psychological experts. Hypnotherapy is used as a supplementary therapy for depression, chronic pain, sudden illnesses, anxiety, sleep issues, and more. Hypnosis for health benefits has to be done only by trained and qualified hypnotherapists and accredited healthcare officials. Here are some of the problems that use hypnosis to cure and/or reduce symptoms. To help improve deep sleep - Multiple studies and surveys on the effect of hypnosis on sleep have been conducted. Until recently, the observations and outcomes of these studies were based only on participants’ self-reports on how well or how badly they slept after hypnotherapy.

Recent scientific studies that tracked, monitored, and measured brain activity of healthy young women participants revealed some exciting data. Participants were asked to listen to hypnotic suggestion tapes before they took a 90-minute nap, during which time their brain activity was monitored. It was noticed that the women who are most susceptible to hypnosis spent 80% more time in the deep sleep or slow-wave sleep state (sleep states are discussed later on in this book) than those women who listened to tapes of mere spoken text. Such studies demonstrated the power of hypnosis to help people with sleep problems. Experts opine that hypnosis is a much better sleep aid as compared to sleeping pills, considering that the latter has numerous unpleasant side-effects. To reduce irritable bowel syndrome symptoms - Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is a common affliction in many people, thanks to unhealthy eating and lifestyle habits driven by modern-day stresses and other health disorders. Hypnosis is known to reduce the painful symptoms of IBS. People who underwent 12 hour-long hypnotic sessions reported reduced IBS symptoms, and many people continued to feel better even six years after the hypnotherapy sessions were completed. Researchers have therefore concluded that that hypnotherapy can be an excellent supplementary therapy for IBS, resulting in reducing as well as offering a quick and sustained resolution for its painful symptoms. To reduce hot flashes in postmenopausal women - Hot flashes are one of the most unpleasant symptoms of women during menopausal and postmenopausal stages. Studies were conducted on women who reported 50 hot flashes or more per week. These women received five-hour-long weekly sessions.

At the end of the sessions, these women reported a significant drop in the number of weekly hot flashes that they experienced. This number was far higher than for women who did not undergo hypnotherapy sessions. To treat fears and phobias - Phobias are irrational fears about anything or everything imaginable and unimaginable. People struggle with various kinds of phobias every day. These fears can be so overwhelming that they paralyze the lives of sufferers. Common phobias include fear of closed spaces (claustrophobia), fear of spiders (arachnophobia), fear of heights, fear of flying, fear of snakes, fear of leaving home, and many more. Hypnotherapists work with people suffering from these phobias and try to trace the root cause of these fears using which they try to find resolutions to eliminate them. To manage pain - Studies on the effects of hypnosis on pain management is by far the most well-researched realm in the field of hypnotherapy. These numerous studies demonstrated the effectiveness of pain reduction through the use of hypnosis regardless of the cause of pain. Moreover, hypnotherapy worked very effectively in the management of chronic pain in cases of cancer arthritis and fibromyalgia. In fact, researchers believe that there are not enough qualified hypnotherapists to meet the demand in the field of pain management considering the efficacy of hypnosis. Also, researchers opined that standardization and effective use of this great tool still has a long way to go. To calm nerves - Hypnosis is the art of harnessing the powers of the brain and the mind. Therefore, it is an effective tool to calm frayed and helping in releasing anxieties and stresses, especially those that occur before critical medical procedures like scans, surgeries, delivery, etc.

Referred to as state anxiety, hypnosis is considered to be one of the best ways of calming the frayed nerves of people undergoing this kind of anxiety. Hypnosis before medical procedures helps patients adjust expectations, and consequently, they are to minimize fears, anxieties, and related pain. Research is still ongoing regarding the effectiveness of hypnosis to manage general anxiety, which is called trait anxiety. To help in weight loss - People struggling with weight loss issues tend to feel their lives going out of control with regards to eating habits and food. Hypnotherapy can be of use in such situations. A trained and qualified hypnotherapist can help such people understand the complex mechanisms and thought process in their minds, including: ●

Their relationships and reasons for overdependence on food

Knowing the compelling reasons for binge-eating or overeating despite their deep desires to lead a healthy lifestyle. To help manage bad habits, including giving up smoking - Giving up bad habits like smoking can be a huge challenge, especially for those who want to quit it once and for all. They need a lot of reinforcement to help them quit smoking and give up other bad, unhealthy habits. In fact, quitting smoking requires several attempts before achieving some semblance of success, and this is regardless of how committed an individual is to give it up. ●

Hypnotherapy is believed to be useful in such cases as it can help smokers understand the triggers and stress factors that drive them to smoke. A therapist can create a relaxing atmosphere, getting the full focus of the attention of clients to help them build self-awareness, which, in turn, helps clients root out addictive behaviors from their lives.

To build confidence - Low confidence is one of the most significant factors preventing self-development and growth in an individual. A person lacking in self-confidence finds it difficult to attend job interviews that promise excellent careers even if he or she is qualified and trained for the job. Similarly, many people who lack confidence tend to bungle up new relationships that could have otherwise been great and meaningful ones. Hypnotherapy can be useful to boost self-confidence. A qualified hypnotherapist can help clients harness the power of their minds and boost self-confidence by identifying and recognizing their inherent talents and bringing them to the fore. Many times, people have problems acknowledging their strengths due to a lack of confidence. Hypnotherapy can help such people too. It is heartening to see that after years of misinterpretation and misrepresentation of hypnosis, it is slowly gaining ground as a powerful healing tool to help people overcome issues like phobias, bad habits, etc. Our bad habits, fears, and other negative misconceptions are set off automatically by the unconscious mind. For example, when a smoker experiences a craving for a cigarette, his unconscious mind automatically takes over, and he reaches out for a cigarette. Through hypnosis, a therapist can help such people to reframe and redirect these urges controlled by the unconscious mind to the conscious mind so that the person can have control over his or her urges and then identify ways to eliminate bad habits. Hypnosis has the power to change people’s lives for the better by teaching them to harness the power of their minds. You need to have trust in the ability of hypnotherapy to do well for you and find the right kind of therapist to help you understand yourself and make positive changes in your life.

Chapter Four: Understanding Hypnosis Types and Their Uses We can categorize hypnosis into four primary types:: ●

Traditional or classical hypnosis

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Ericksonian hypnosis – developed by Dr. Milton Erickson

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NLP hypnosis – Neuro-Linguistic Programming

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Self-hypnosis – which involves you being both therapist and subject

While each type has its own set of rules and guidelines on when, why and how to use it, one common element is that the subject should achieve a state of hypnotic trance. Various methods ma be used to achieve this, including fixing the eye on a particular object, counting backward, telling stories, anecdotes, etc.

Traditional Hypnosis This is the classical form of hypnosis that is also the most commonly used type across the world for a variety of purposes. It does not require much training and employs simple suggestions and commands. The recordings we can easily buy, on CD, tape, or MP3, are usually based on traditional methods. The therapist uses any of the induction methods to help the subject reach the hypnotic trance, after which he or she directly makes suggestions to the unconscious mind. This approach helps to influence the subject to make positive changes in his or her actions, thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

Traditional hypnotic methods are widely used to help people for many purposes, including but not limited to: ● Quitting bad habits, like alcoholism, smoking, substance abuse, etc. ● Building self-confidence ● Overcoming deep-seated anxieties and fears. The limitation with traditional hypnosis is that it may not work for those who have a low degree of hypnotizability. Such people typically think analytically and logically, and belief and faith do not come to them easily. For such people, silencing the conscious mind is very difficult, as it continually interferes with the unconscious mind, to the extent that it isn’t possible to deeply embed hypnotic suggestions into their unconscious minds. However, this type of hypnosis works extremely well for people who are not deeply analytical and to whom faith and belief come easily. For a novice therapist, traditional hypnosis may not have the required impact on the subject but an experienced therapist can work wonders on those who believe and have faith.

Ericksonian Hypnosis Dr. Milton Erickson is credited with the invention of Ericksonian hypnosis. He developed numerous hypnosis techniques to help subjects achieve a state of hypnotic trance. He chose to use metaphors rather than direct suggestions to bring about positive changes in the subject’s behaviors and attitudes. Metaphors are far more powerful than direct suggestions because they allow more flexibility in the way subjects use them. A direct suggestion closes off all other options for the subject, while a metaphor, on the other hand,

empowers the subjects, giving them different options through which they can examine their problem and find their own solutions. Metaphors offer a wholesome, organic way of looking at a problem and solving it, and therefore, have a better chance of convincing skeptics who find it difficult to respond to traditional methods. Isomorphic metaphors use the power of stories that have underlying morals. These interactive stories trigger the unconscious or subconscious mind to draw comparisons between moral-based stories and the problem or issue that the user is experiencing. Consequently, various options for creative solutions will come to the mind of the user. Another kind of metaphor used in Ericksonian hypnosis is referred to as interest interspersal metaphors. In these kinds of metaphors, embedded commands are used to distract the conscious mind so that the suggestions are implanted in the subconscious mind completely. Let us look at some key differences between traditional hypnosis and Ericksonian hypnosis: ●

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Ericksonian hypnosis is based on dynamic interactions between the hypnotist and the user as against traditional hypnosis, which is heavily dependent on the therapist’s ability with little or no expectation from the person undergoing hypnosis. Traditional hypnosis takes an authoritative approach, whereas Ericksonian hypnosis takes an accommodating approach. For example, a hypnotherapist from the traditional school might make a direct, authoritative suggestion that goes something like, “You will lose weight.”

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A hypnotherapist trained in Ericksonian methods would say something like, “You might be willing to discuss some excellent lifestyle options if you are ready.” Ericksonian hypnosis is dependent on the creativity of the practitioner to come out with great metaphors, whereas traditional hypnosis practitioners follow a more standardized and formula-based process. Ericksonian hypnosis does not depend on making direct suggestions, unlike the approaches of traditional hypnosis. Practitioners of Ericksonian hypnosis believe that their clients already have the answers to their issues, and as therapists, they only need to help them see their own solutions by pointing them in the right direction. On the other hand, practitioners of traditional methods believe or feel that they need to give their clients answers to their problems and issues. Ericksonian hypnotists believe that trances set up during the hypnotic session are pluralistic and a layered state of mind that is resourceful in finding solutions to existing problems. Traditional hypnotists tend to see trances as a singular, unilateral element with limited capabilities. The followers of Ericksonian methods do not think that hypnotic trances can be achieved only through hypnotism. Traditionalists, on the other hand, believe that hypnotists are imperative to achieve hypnotic trances.

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Traditional hypnotists see subjects as being good or bad, in terms of hypnotizability. Ericksonian hypnotists believe that everyone has the potential to be a great hypnosis subject. Direct suggestions used by traditional therapists can create resistance in the minds of the users, thanks to inflexible processes and dictums followed in the hypnosis methods. On the other hand, Ericksonians give the freedom to the client to become the agent of positive change themselves instead of having to follow a rigid structure. Ericksonian hypnosis is focused on the client, whereas traditional hypnosis is more focused on the hypnotist. Ericksonian hypnosis approaches focus on finding solutions, whereas traditional hypnotic approaches tend to focus on problems.

So, what is Ericksonian hypnosis? Let us look at it in a more detailed way and understand its history and origin as well. Referred to as a method of indirect hypnosis, Ericksonian hypnosis is named after its founder, Dr. Milton Erickson, an American psychologist and psychiatrist considered to be the “father of hypnotherapy.” His discoveries and ideas influenced a wide range of therapeutic uses, including family therapy, neuro-linguistic programming, and more. Dr. Erickson discovered that indirect suggestions could potentially result in behavioral changes in people. He used metaphors, symbols, contradictions, and antidotes to interact with his clients instead of relying on the traditional method of direct suggestions, orders, and commands.

Dr. Erickson himself suffered extreme pain after contracting polio at a young ago. This direct experience helped him empathize with his patients who came for pain management. His ideas differed from those of the other famous psychologist, Sigmund Freud, in that Erickson did not focus on the past history of the patient as much as Freud did. His focal point of change was in the present time. He also differed from Dr. James Braid’s approach to treating hypnotism as a state of focused attention. Erickson knew from his personal experience that patients in mental or physical pain are not likely to find the strength or willpower to focus at all. Therefore, he believed that rapid hypnotic inductions are most likely to meet with resistance from the patients, and consequently, such methods will fail to help them. Erickson opined that all of us undergo periods of ‘trances’ right through the day. For example, our mind wanders when we are traveling to work on a bus or train. We end up daydreaming at boring meetings, lectures, etc. which are all states of trances. In fact, athletes like marathon runners enter a trance when they are running at a steady pace for a long period of time, which is referred to as a “runner’s high” or ‘flow.’ Moreover, Erickson believed that the unconscious mind can still be impacted even when the patient is not in a trance. He can connect with a person’s subconscious mind indirectly through metaphors, stories, etc. which resulted in positive therapeutic changes. The hypnotherapy techniques used in Ericksonian hypnosis differed from the classical ones used in traditional methods. Here are some of the techniques of Ericksonian hypnosis.

Encouraging Resistance - One of the biggest challenges in traditional hypnosis is that people tend to resist suggestions and commands, thanks to its authoritative approach. Ericksonian techniques discourage authority and instead encourage the client to withhold information as per his or her free will and talk only about that which the person is comfortable sharing. This freedom-based approach ultimately encourages the client to share more information with the therapist than when using the authoritative way. Encouraging resistance makes clients feel empowered, which, in turn, helps the hypnotherapist gain their trust. Clients’ feelings of empowerment give them the idea that withholding information as per their wish is a special ability that can be used for a special occasion later on. In the end, clients will have told the therapist everything. Erickson is believed to have used a childhood experience to create this technique. Here is how the story of his childhood experience went. When Erickson was a boy, he was once helping his father coax a little calf to get into the family barn. The calf was standing at the door and resisting all their efforts to get her into the barn. The calf refused to budge from its position, regardless of how hard the father-son duo tried. Erickson realized that the calf wanted to resist and so decided to accept and give in to her resistance. In fact, he behaved like he was encouraging the calf’s resistance. He pulled the calf’s tail, thereby leading the animal away from the barn door even as his father continued to try and take the calf into the barn. This ‘double-bind’ approach of pulling the calf in conflicting directions helped the animal decide to go into the barn. Erickson used the memory of this experience and founded the double-bind, resistance-encouraging method wherein the subject is pulled in two conflicting directions resulting in being emotionally overwhelmed. This approach helped the clients accept one form of resistance and reject the other form resulting in practical solutions.

For example, in family therapy, Erickson would deliberately ignore a member who was actively resisting taking part in the conversation. This ignoring attitude ultimately drives the member to respond out of frustration. Handshake Induction - The “handshake induction” technique is one of the most famous techniques in hypnotherapy. Erickson realized that the simple everyday gesture of a handshake was an effective element as the first interaction with clients, and it also helped in changing their accepted behavior in a very subtle way. Performing a handshake gesture is one of the most common forms of trance, and the best thing is we don't even realize we are on autopilot. We don't think consciously when we use this widespread social norm and unwittingly go into autopilot mode. Erickson used the handshake induction technique to rely on a common, everyday gesture to open the minds of clients to receive suggestions. This approach is categorized under “pattern interruption.” Erickson’s handshake induction technique is well-documented. Here is what he would do: ●

He began his first meeting with clients using a normal, strong handshake.

He would then ‘interrupt’ the gesture by reducing the strength of his grip. ● Then, he would brush certain specific fingers against clients’ hands, setting the tone for trust, and reducing resistance. While the technique sounds simple, it is a complex one to master. However, hypnotists who have mastered the handshake induction technique know it to be a powerful one. ●

Idea Seeding - Erickson urged his fellow-hypnotists and students to use indirect suggestions by “seeding ideas” into the mind of clients.

For example, he would ask clients questions like, “Have you ever been in a hypnotic trance before?” This question results in the idea of the hypnotic trance ‘seeded’ into the psyche of the client, and he or she feels empowered about making decisions aligned with those of the hypnotherapist. Focusing on the Positive - Erickson’s ability to wade through a multitude of problems in life, including dyslexia, color blindness, deafness, and partial paralysis, helped him with the power to identify the good parts of all of his patients regardless of their disabilities. He realized that the very same ‘disabilities’ that others took pity on were what powered his own expertise in reading and understanding people’s body language instead of depending solely on verbal communication. The fact that his ability to understand basic communication channels compelled him to dig deep and discover better ways of connecting with people, helping him to gain expertise in the field of hypnotherapy. Ericksonian techniques also combine two or more of the ideas discussed above. For example, parents with children who refuse to go to bed on time typically can use two of the above techniques, namely positive emphasis and encouraging resistance. First, the parents can complement the child for his or her energy to stay up late, which is focusing on the positive. Second, they can encourage the child to stay up later than the child wants. This kind of subtle double-edged attack is likely to end resistance in the child as he or she no longer has to prove anything to the parents. Even if the child does take up the encouragement to resist, choosing to stay up late, he is likely to struggle with the fatigue and the inability to have fun with friends, at school or at home. Either way, the child will learn to end his resistance and go to bed early.

Shock Therapy - Erickson also used psychological shock therapies in some cases to help his clients face their fears and anxieties. Here is a witty story on how he helped a man overcome his fear of riding elevators. He got this client, a married man, to get into the elevator, and after a couple of floors, the elevator was made to stop. The elevator attendant was a lady who, according to instructions from Erickson, tried to kiss this man. Of course, he denied the kiss and angrily asked the attendant to turn on the elevator and take him to the lobby immediately. He did not even realize it; but, the client had overcome his fear of riding the elevators, thanks to his conscious mind being distracted by the psychological shock given to him by the lady attendant. In another case, Erickson stepped on a lady’s foot to shock her out of her misplaced ideas. This lady believed she had very small feet, and therefore, she was not fit to go out and socialize. He suddenly stepped on her feet and exclaimed, “How can a man marry a lady with such large feet?” This sudden psychological shock opened this client’s subconscious mind to positive suggestions, and she was cured of her fears. Even though Erickson used the shock therapy treatment successfully on multiple occasions, it was frowned upon by many therapists and was considered controversial. Hypnotherapists today do not use this method anymore. Confusion Technique - Erickson developed another technique referred to as confusion technique, where he distracted the conscious mind so that the unconscious mind opened up to respond to hypnosis. Erickson went on to say that nearly all the methods he employed included some form of confusion to achieve this. For example, he used metaphors, introduced complex topics or used vague language patterns in the conversation, or even jokes to distract clients’ conscious train of thought, resulting in the unconscious mind opening up to hypnosis.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Hypnosis NLP hypnosis is typically used along with self-hypnosis to help people overcome challenges in the realms of self-esteem, self-confidence, and overall sense of well-being. NLP techniques are great to manage anxieties and worries and to conquer phobias and fears. Interestingly, NLP techniques approach a problem by using the thought processes of the problem itself to find solutions. You can draw some similarities between NLP and vaccination where you get a mild dose of the disease virus so that your body’s immune mechanism gets the right trigger to build sustaining antibodies for the future. The most basic assumption in neuro-linguistic programming is that all human beings perceive themselves and their environments through their senses. These senses are the basis on which we create our feelings and behaviors. NLP believes that the sense of smell is the most nostalgic, and even brief exposure to a particular smell can take us back to where and when we first sensed it. NLP’s modalities are, therefore, based on our senses and are categorized as follows: ●

Olfactory - which is based on our sense of smell

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Gustatory - based on our sense of taste

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Auditory - based on our sense of hearing

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Visual - based on our sense of sight

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Kinesthetic - based on our physical sense

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Digital-based on facts, logic, and figures; this category is a new addition, thanks to the advancement in technology in the modern world

NLP also believes that people with different personalities and preferences of representation will have different characteristics and behaviors. An experienced NLP practitioner can quickly discern the type of individual he or she is dealing with and customize the NLP hypnosis process for that person. The primary difference between NLP hypnosis and hypnosis in the classical sense of the word is that NLP deals with problems and issues by using the same thought patterns that form the root of the problem, unlike classical hypnosis which uses suggestions and commands in various forms. NLP Principles Some of the basic principles of NLP that help to amplify the effects of hypnosis include: The Power of Ambiguity - Human beings process ambiguous data very interestingly. We try and fill up gaps of information or our understanding with data that is most useful to us at the time. Therefore, NLP approaches use the power of ambiguity or the choice of doing what clients want to help them find the right solutions for problems and issues. NLP avoids giving hypnotistcentered answers and instead focuses on helping clients discover solutions on their own. For example, an NLP hypnotherapist will say something as vague as “You are free to choose what you believe is right.” This non-specific sentence is laden with ambiguity leaving the client free to relate and understand the words according to what is most suitable and important to them. Flow, Tonality, and Rhythm - As already mentioned, NLP is based on the assumption that all our experiences are formed through our senses. Therefore, sound senses in the form of the flow, tonality, and rhythm of the hypnotist’s voice are extremely important elements in NLP hypnosis.

Pace and Lead - In this NLP technique, the therapists start with an irrefutable idea in which clients have no option but to accept. From this starting point, the NLP therapist leads clients to more useful and productive thoughts than before. Pattern and Thought Interruptions - These are used where the therapist believes they will benefit the client. Encouraging Hypnotic Responses - NLP therapists encourage all kinds of behaviors that help their clients go into hypnosis smoothly and with little or no hitch. For example, they will use encouraging words like “That is good” or “That is the way” when they notice the breathing slowing down or pupils dilating during the hypnotic induction period. Fractionation - Small pieces of powerful ideas that are woven into normal conversation can work exceedingly well in NLP hypnosis. Small amounts but at frequent intervals is better than taking on too much at one time because the second method can make clients uncomfortable. This method of hypnotic induction is also referred to as Vogt’s fractionation method. Here, the subject is relaxed partially and roused at frequent intervals. The subject is made to recount his or her experience after rousing the individual from deep relaxation. In the next relaxation, the therapist feeds the recounted experience back into the subject’s mind taking him or her into deeper realms of relaxation. This cycle of relaxation and arousal at frequent intervals helps clients achieve the desired level of relaxation needed for hypnotic induction. Utilization of Elements in the Environment - NLP therapists use everything that is happening in the environment for hypnotic induction and bring out total relaxation. For example, if a car alarm is heard during the session, the therapist would say, “You might hear a car alarm. The car alarm will get quieter as the car moves further away, allowing you to focus on things that are important to you.”

NLP Techniques NLP uses different hypnosis techniques to help clients achieve their desired results. This book discusses the five most commonly used NLP techniques. Let us look at each technique in a bit of detail. Dissociation - This technique is extremely useful in situations that deal with anxieties, fears, nervousness, etc. For example, if you feel angry or jealous every time you see your partner talking to someone, or if you feel nervous about giving a presentation in the workplace, even anxious about approaching someone for a date, NLP dissociation techniques can come in handy. Here are some tips to help you use the dissociation technique: ●

First, identify the emotion you want to get rid of. Is it fear, discomfort, rage, hatred, or anything else?

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Now, visualize yourself being out of your body and watching the entire unpleasant episode as an outsider. Notice how the feelings change dramatically because, in this situation, you have dissociated yourself from the emotions and are simply observing them without getting attached to them. With repeated practice, you will find yourself being able to look at all emotions in this way, thereby empowering yourself to handle any situation optimally. As an added tip, you can imagine yourself floating out of your body to watch the proceedings, and then floating back into your body to be part of the episode. This approach will help take the edge off of any kind of negative situation, leaving you strong and calm-minded to handle it maturely.

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Reframing of Content - Using this technique, you can reframe all situations that you see as helpless and negative into something that is positive and hopeful. For example, if your relationship has ended for some reason, then you are likely to feel hopelessly depressed, especially if your partner was the one to end it. Now, take this situation and reframe its content by looking at all the benefits you can have because the relationship has ended. Examples of some amazing benefits include: ●

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You get the freedom to follow that hobby, class, or even your career that you have been putting off because you had no time or energy while you were in the relationship. You have opened up space in your life to allow someone better to come in. You have learned extremely valuable lessons while you were in the relationship, as well as during the breakup, which will help you have better relationships in the future.

Therefore, by reframing your negative experience, you have seen it in a different, positive light empowering you to see opportunities that remained hitherto hidden. By reframing the content, you are not only able to see new solutions but also stave off the impacts of reacting negatively to any situations typically driven by anger, resentment, fear, or panic. Reframing content helps you see things clearly and make strong, sensible decisions. Anchoring - Ivan Pavlov, a Russian psychologist, came up with this technique. He experimented with dogs wherein he rang a bell repeatedly when it was time to feed the animals before actually feeding them.

After the repeated ringing of the bell, Pavlov realized that he could get the dogs to salivate by simply ringing the bell even when it was not their feeding time. With this experiment, Pavlov found that he could create a conditioned response by connecting the sound of the bell with the salivating behavior of the dogs. This kind of conditioned response can be used to anchor yourself in NLP hypnosis. You can use the anchoring technique to connect a positive emotion or experience with a physical gesture or sensation. You can then use this anchor to recall the positive feelings by simply making the gesture, which can be effective in reducing or fight off negative emotions of difficult situations. Here are some tips to help you anchor yourself: ●

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Recall a happy or confident occasion from your past experiences. It can be anything from topping your class in school, getting that juicy promotion, your wedding day, or anything else that automatically fills you with happiness and/or confidence when you think of it. Decide how and where you want to anchor this feeling on your body. For example, you can use gestures like pulling your earlobe, squeezing a fingernail, touching your knuckle, rubbing the tips of your forefinger and thumb together, or any other convenient gesture. Just remember to make it something very unique that you don't use for any other aspect of your life. As you recall the happy/confident experience, perform the gesture you have decided on. Keep repeating this connection until it becomes a habit in your subconscious mind. So, every time you make the gesture, you will be able to recall that happy moment and relive the great experience.

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With repeated practice, that chosen gesture will take you back to the experience automatically. Effectively, you are creating a stimulusresponse neurological connection between the memory and the gesture which gets ‘anchored’ in your subconscious mind. When you are depressed or sad, you need to repeat the gesture, allowing happy memories to flood in automatically. This leaves you better equipped to manage difficult situations.

Self-Hypnosis Self-hypnosis, as the name suggests, is a way of hypnotizing yourself into a state of deep relaxation and heightened concentration. Self-hypnosis can be done using one of the three methods discussed above. As you may have already guessed, you will not need a hypnotherapist or hypnotist in a selfhypnosis sessions. Suggestions and commands are made by yourself with or without the help of MP3 and CD recordings. Self-hypnosis is very popular, considering that it is not easy to trust a third person with one’s highly influential and fragile subconscious mind. So, how can you start to enjoy the benefits of self-hypnosis? Before you start off, get prepared with answers to the following questions: ●

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What is the purpose of self-hypnosis? Why do you want to do selfhypnosis? What are the messages you are going to give yourself? What ideas do you want to embed in your subconscious mind? Create short, crisp, and authentic statements.

Remember that the messages you want to give yourself must be: ● Honest and genuine - If you want to implant ideas into your subconscious mind successfully, then they must be honest, genuine, and something that you desire deeply. You cannot achieve success if you implant ideas that you don't really want. You can’t fool your subconscious mind. If you don't feel deeply, it will not respond to your statements. You must believe and have faith in the power of your messages to bring about real positive changes. ● Positive - Negative statements will not get implanted; only positive statements. Your unconscious mind does not and cannot process negatives. Therefore, your statements should not be ‘I am NOT stressed” or “I am NOT anxious.’ Your subconscious mind will interpret these statements as “I am stressed” and “I am anxious.” Your statements should, therefore, be what you WANT to feel or be, and not what you don't want to feel or be. ● Simple - Avoid using complex statements. Keep them simple and short. Use present tense for added effectiveness. Instead of saying, “I will be confident,” you must use, “I am confident.” Similarly, instead of saying, “I will get rid of this addiction,” you must say, “I am rid of my addiction.” Here are some examples to help you get started with messages and suggestions for your self-hypnosis sessions: ●

For stress release at the workplace - “I am relaxed and happy at work.”

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To get rid of a bad habit like smoking - “I do not smoke.”

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To reduce nervousness before a public-speaking event - “I am a confident speaker.”

These statements are meant for your own subconscious mind, so you should always use ‘I’ and talk in the present tense. This allows your mind to identify that the idea is happening now. Also, don't focus on more than two statements initially. Learn them by rote and focus on them after you achieve hypnotic trance. Before you start, take the following precautions: ●

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Tell someone your plans and let them know that you are trying selfhypnosis for the first time. As you already know, reaching a hypnotic trance is a little bit like sleeping, so let your loved ones know you are going to take a nap. Letting someone know will ensure you are not disturbed during your session, and also, in case of an emergency, someone is there to ‘wake’ you.

Follow these steps of self-hypnosis: First, you must feel physically comfortable and relaxed. You can use a simple breathing meditation technique to achieve this state. Identify an object on which you can focus your attention and vision. Typically, this object should be slightly above your line of sight. Clear your mind of all thoughts and ideas and try to focus on the chosen object. This step is easier said than done. However, you will achieve this state with repeated practice. Simply take your time and let your thoughts leave your mind

Become aware of your eyes. Imagine your eyelids are becoming heavy. Imagine your eyes closing. Focus on your breathing as your eyes close. Keep breathing evenly and deeply. Tell yourself that you will relax with each breath you take. Now, slow down your breathing and allow yourself to become increasingly relaxed. Imagine an object like a pendulum gently moving up and down or from side to side. Start a countdown in your mind from 10 backward telling yourself that at each count, you will relax more. Remind yourself and believe that you will achieve hypnotic trance by the time you finish your countdown. When you reach the hypnotic state, it is time to repeat the statements you have prepared. Focus on each statement, visualize it in your mind, and repeat it. Stay relaxed and focused. When you have had enough, relax and clear your mind again and get ready to bring yourself out of the hypnotic state. Slowly start counting from 1 to 10. Reverse the process and tell yourself that you will feel more awake with each count and will be wide awake when the reverse countdown ends. Repeat statements like “I will feel like I have had a night of restful sleep.” When you reach the count of 10, you will feel revived and completely awake. Gradually, allow your conscious mind to catch up with the surroundings, events, and thoughts that took place during the trance. Self-hypnosis is an excellent tool to help you manage several issues, including stress and anxiety, weight loss problems, chronic pain, depression, sleep disorders, addiction, and self-esteem and self-confidence issues.

Difference between Meditation and Hypnosis Now that you know both meditation and hypnosis, it might make sense to know the differences between the two, which will help you choose the best option for your needs. Yes, both meditation and hypnosis need a focused mind that may or may not be purposefully directed toward any goal. However, there are some key differences between the two. Let us start by reiterating the definition of hypnosis. Hypnosis is, of course, a state of deep relaxation. And yet, it is much more. Hypnosis achieves a state of mind that enhances the subject’s focus, dissociation, and suggestibility. For example, a person undergoing a deeply traumatic experience is also highly suggestible. These situations are not relaxing at all, are they? And yet they can easily be categorized as a hypnotic phenomenon. Also, all kinds of emotions have a hypnotic effect on us. You just need to recall a time when you were deeply in love or in a state of livid rage or been in the depths of depression or even when you are in the throes of lovemaking, and you will get the idea. Emotions at high levels are all hypnotic. Another interesting feature of hypnotism is that anyone who can build your emotions can also make you highly suggestible. This is the reason why cult figures, politicians, actors, etc. can influence people’s beliefs and principles. Nearly all of them raise the emotional pitch of their public interactions. Excesses of either meditation or hypnosis are not good for anyone, and in fact, can harm practitioners. Yes, even excessive meditation can be harmful as studies have revealed that participants’ sensory perception, emotions, and even sense of self can be negatively impacted.

In fact, some studies have demonstrated that people who meditated beyond reasonable limits can experience hallucinations, fear and panic, and reduced motivation. This situation is similar to taking an excessive amount of painkillers, which is not a good thing at all. Therefore, meditation should also be practiced in a balanced, sensible way for optimal outcomes. So, what is the difference between meditation and hypnosis? Hypnosis typically has a specific psychological and behavioral goal. People use hypnosis to engage with their thoughts and feelings in a focused, concentrated manner, which, in turn, helps them manage their reactions and responses responsibly. Hypnosis helps people manage depression, get rid of bad habits, and even optimize productivity, especially among athletes and sportsmen. Meditation, on the other hand, may or may not have this same targeted effect. If it does happen, then it is merely a by-product and not achieved intentionally as through hypnotherapy. Meditation is more a means to calm the mind and live a more meaningful and engaging life than otherwise and is rarely used to treat substance abuse or other habits. However, some forms of meditation are used as a supplementary therapy. Similarly, clinical hypnosis might be great for relaxing. However, it is not really used to ‘calm the mind’ or ‘empty the mind’ or even to achieve mindfulness. So, it is safe to say that the primary difference between hypnosis and meditation lies in the purpose for which each is used. Meditation can be a specific form of a hypnotic state, achieved to help in the growth and development of a wider spiritual system; it also has several benefits in the physical realm. Meditation is aimed at helping practitioners discover the interconnectedness of all things in this universe beneath the apparent, deceptive appearances.

Yet, as you practice using both these tools, you will realize that hypnosis and meditation are nothing but mere words and can be used interchangeably in real-life situations. It is possible that certain hypnotic states might resemble some form of meditation, and it is also possible that, while you are meditating, you experience profound imagery, as seen and felt in a hypnotic trance. There is little doubt that both meditation and hypnosis can increase the happiness quotient in our lives. Hypnosis is used to help people detach themselves from destructive memories and their associated emotions so that they can see things objectively, resulting in happiness and joy. Mindfulness meditation achieves a similar outcome as you learn to look at your emotions from an outsider’s perspective without entangling yourself in a mess. So, can we say that meditation and self-hypnosis are one and the same? Well, at a very basic level, both are the same, considering that both help you achieve a natural and contented state of mind. Meditation can be referred to as another tool or means to enter into a hypnotic state. In the end, one key difference is that hypnosis typically tends to have a goal in mind, perhaps to enhance confidence, overcome anxieties and fears, get rid of bad habits, etc., whereas meditation does not really have an end goal to be achieved and is used to simply ‘empty all thoughts’ from our minds. Yet, the ultimate aim of both these tools is to live happier and more meaningful lives than before. Therefore, we can presume that both hypnosis and meditation sessions can help you achieve calmness and control over your emotions. The interconnectedness between the two is the reason for including both the elements in the same book.

Chapter Five: Understanding Sleep, Its Importance, and Its Various Stages Sleep is one of the most vital elements of good health, and unless you get a good night’s rest every 24 hours, your body and mind are both going to be impacted negatively in the long-term as well in the short-term. In fact, the importance of sleep for good health is the same as that of exercise and nutritious food. However, owing to multiple factors, the quantity and quality of sleep are lower today than ever before. So, why is insomnia, which is the medical term to describe the inability to fall asleep, stay asleep at night such a big and common problem in modern times? Insomnia is defined by sleep quality and your feeling of freshness or lack thereof after you wake up and not by the number of hours of sleep. This is because everyone’s sleep needs are different. For example, if you are spending eight hours at night in bed and still do not feel refreshed and rejuvenated in the morning, then insomnia can be an issue in your life. On the other hand, if you have slept for six hours and wake up feeling totally fresh and ready for the challenges of the day, then you are getting sufficient sleep. Some of the symptoms of insomnia include: ●

Difficulty falling asleep despite feeling tired.

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Unrefreshed sleep.

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Frequently waking up at night.

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Having problems going back to sleep when awakened.

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Using alcohol and/or sleeping pills to fall asleep.

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Waking up very early in the morning.

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Irritability, fatigue, and drowsiness during the day.

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Having difficulty focusing on work and other aspects of your life during the day.

The problem(s) causing insomnia is different for different people ranging from drinking excessive caffeine during the day to a complex underlying health issue or stress and anxiety-driven by an overload of work and responsibilities. The best part of insomnia is that it can be treated by understanding and solving the underlying problem and without the use of medication. For proper treatment and cure of insomnia, the causes have to be clearly identified and understood. Emotional problems rooted in anxiety, stress, and depression are the most common causes of insomnia, although daytime lifestyle habits also have a big role to play. Here are some questions that will help you identify the reasons for your sleep problems? ●

Do you feel stressed?

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Are you feeling emotionally hopeless and/or depressed?

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Do you have chronic anxiety issues?

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Have you had any traumatic experience lately or even an old, unresolved one? What medications are you on? Are they affecting your sleep?

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Are there health issues impacting your sleep?

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Is your bedroom or sleep environment comfortable and quiet?

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Do you have a regular sleep pattern?

Try answering the above questions, and you are likely to find the root cause of your sleep problems. Also, it is important to understand that insomnia can be temporary and can go away on its own. Situations like an important upcoming presentation in the office or an upcoming family event can trigger insomnia, which is likely to go away after the event. However, the worry is when your insomnia is chronic, which is typically connected with an underlying mental or physical problem that needs your attention. Some of the common medical and psychological causes of insomnia include: Depression, anxiety, and stress are believed to be among the top contributors to insomnia. The worst part is that insomnia also results in an increase in the symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress. This is akin to the question of whether the chicken or the egg came first. Also, psychological and emotional causes of insomnia include excessive worry, anger, grief, trauma, and bipolar disorder. Managing these problems will help overcome the challenges of insomnia. Treating only insomnia by the use of medication and pills without addressing the underlying cause will only make matters worse. Medical illnesses and problems like allergies, asthma, hyperthyroidism, Parkinson’s disease, renal issues, acid reflux, and cancer are also connected to insomnia. Chronic pain is a common cause. Certain prescription drugs and medication are known to interfere with our sleep patterns. Drugs affecting sleep include stimulants prescribed for ADHD, antidepressants, drugs for high blood pressure, corticosteroids, thyroid hormone, and even some contraceptives.

Over-the-counter drugs for cold and flu containing painkillers, alcohol, and caffeine, slimming pills, and diuretics also cause insomnia. Finally, although insomnia is a sleep disorder by itself, it can be caused by other sleep-related issues like restless leg syndrome, sleep apnea, and disturbances in the circadian rhythm linked to late-night work or jet lag.

Importance of Sleep Why is sleep so important for us? What happens when we lack sufficient sleep? Well, sleep, like food and shelter, is an essential item for survival. The lack of quality sleep can affect your memory, mental and physical health, sex life, and more. Here are some serious side-effects of the lack of sleep. Lack of sleep affects your cognitive processes - Sleep is an important element for thinking and learning. When you don't get sufficient sleep, your cognitive processes are impacted negatively. Initially, your attention, concentration, alertness, problem-solving, and reasoning skills will be affected, which, in turn, making it difficult to learn efficiently. Slowly, your memory will also get affected because processing and storing of information happens during sleep. Therefore, recalling what you learned will become an issue. Lack of sleep reduced sex drive - Research studies have shown that both men and women reported lowered sex drive when they did not get sufficient sleep. Increased tension, lower levels of energy, and sleepiness are believed to have caused this condition. Men with sleep apnea, which is a respiratory disorder that hampers sleep are known to have a further reduction in their sex drive. Sleep apnea reduces the production of testosterone. Lack of sleep causes depression - If sleep problems are left unresolved, then over time, they contribute to depression and anxiety. Insomnia,

which is the most common disorder, is closely linked to depression. In fact, insomnia is believed to be one of the first symptoms of depression. Depression and insomnia feed on each other with the lack of sleep aggravating depression symptoms, which, in turn, increases sleep-related problems. Lack of sleep affects the quality of skin - This is very obvious. If you have missed a couple of days’ sleep, you have puffy eyes and sallow skin. However, in the long run, the effects of insufficient sleep can be worse as sleep loss leads to fine lines, lackluster skin, and dark circles under the eyes. When your body lacks enough sleep, then the production of the stress hormone, cortisol, increases. Excessive cortisol can damage skin collagen, the protein responsible for keeping skin elastic and smooth. Also, when you don't get sufficient sleep, the production of growth hormone is reduced. The growth hormone is important for the repair and regeneration of skin cells, muscles, and bone cells. The growth hormone is released during Stage 5 or the deep sleep phase. Lack of sleep enhances weight problems - Lack of good quality sleep is believed to be connected to increased appetite and hunger, and consequently, obesity. Studies have shown that obesity is more likely to affect people who have less than six hours of sleep than those who get more than six hours. Also, there is a connection between sleep and peptides, which are chemicals that regulate appetite. Ghrelin is a peptide that stimulates hunger and leptin signals satiety. Reduced sleep is connected with increased production of ghrelin and decreased production of leptin. Moreover, lack of sleep is believed to increase cravings for high-carb, high-fat foods contributing to weight gain. In fact, nearly all weight loss programs have a check on the quality and quantity of sleep as part of the standard metrics.

Lack of sleep affects judgment - When we lack a decent amount of sleep, our ability to interpret events correctly is impacted. We end up making wrong choices and unsound judgmental calls. Also, people who lack sleep are specifically prone to poorly judging what the lack of sleep is doing to them and their life choices. The sad thing about the modern world is that working on less sleep is worn as a badge of honor. However, scientists, researchers, and medical health workers believe that if you are working fine with less sleep, then you are probably wrong. You need to make amends. People who have been living on six or fewer hours of sleep believe that their bodies have become accustomed to it, and they are fine. However, the cost of this lack of sufficient sleep is lowered mental alertness and reduced performance, both of which have visible outcomes only in the long run. Poor judgment skills can affect your career and level of functioning in the workplace.

Lifestyle Habits Affecting Sleep Treating the underlying mental and physical issues is a great first step to curing your insomnia. However, lifestyle habits also have to be addressed if you want to root out sleep-related issues completely from your life. Some of your lifestyle habits can be the reason for worsening the condition and symptoms of insomnia. For instance, if you are using alcohol or sleeping pills to fall asleep, you can be adding to your sleep issues because these substances have a hugely negative impact on the long-term. If you are consuming excessive amounts of caffeine right through the day, then your sleep pattern is likely to be disrupted. Other habits impacting sleep quality include: ●

An irregular sleep schedule

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Napping during daytime

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Eating excessive amounts of high-carb and sugary foods

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Having heavy meals very close to bedtime

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Lack of physical exercise or over-exercising

These bad habits and sleep patterns are interconnected. Poor habits enhance not only your sleep problems but also insufficient night sleep makes it hard to get rid of these habits resulting in a vicious cycle that is very difficult to break. Here’s how the cycle moves: You sleep poorly at night because of which you feel tired and stressed during the day, which you compensate for with caffeine, alcohol, and other bad habits, which, in turn, make it difficult to sleep well again. This cycle repeats interminably, and it takes a lot of effort to get out of it. And yet, you should start by correcting your lifestyle habits that contribute to your sleep habits. It will take a few days of persistent efforts to see results and make your body get accustomed to the change. But once the cycle is broken, then you will see everything falling into place. Your new cycle will look something like this: The lack of bad habits allows you to sleep well at night, making sure you wake up refreshed to face the world without the need for caffeine, alcohol, or anything else, which, in turn, helps you fall asleep easily for a good night’s rest again.

Importance of Correct Sleep Environment Two of the most vital elements that help in keeping sleep problems at bay include a comfortable and undisturbed sleeping place and a regular relaxing bedtime routine. Both these are excellent tools to improve the quality of your sleep. Use these tips to address the elements of the sleep environment:

Ensure your bedroom is cool, quiet, and dark - A comfortable and quiet sleeping area is critical for a good night’s rest. A noisy, bright room that is either too hot or cold is not at all conducive to sleep. If you live in a noisy neighborhood, using earplugs or a sound machine is a good idea to keep out the disturbances from outside. Also, make sure your room is cool. You can either keep a window open or use a fan. An eye mask or blackout curtains can help keep out all kinds of bright lights that can stream in through the windows. Also, make sure your pillow and mattress are comfortable. Try out different mattresses and pillows and identify one that works best for you. Keep a regular sleep schedule - Ensure you align your life with your biological clock. Keep a regular time to sleep and wake up. This regular sleeping schedule should be maintained on weekends too. Sometimes, it is normal to want to sleep in late because you are tired. Try and avoid falling for this trap because your sleep rhythm is likely to get disturbed. Instead, wake up at the same time each day, even if you are feeling tired. This approach will help you regain your regular sleeping rhythm.

Stages of Sleep Sleep is divided into two types, namely REM and non-REM. REM stands for rapid eye movement. REM sleep is so-called because, during this stage of sleep, the eyes move rapidly under our eyelids Your sleep at night starts with non-REM, followed by a short duration of REM sleep, and this cycle continues right through the night at around 90minute intervals. Deep sleep happens in the last stages of non-REM sleep. Let us explain each type in a bit of detail.

Non-REM Sleep Non-REM sleep has two stages, including Stage 1 and Stage 2. Stage 1 of non-REM sleep begins when you move from the waking stage into the sleep stage and lasts several minutes. The changes in your body during stage 1 of non-REM sleep include the following:

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Your body functions like respiration, heartbeat, and eye movements start to slow down. Your muscles slowly begin to relax with only occasional twitches.

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Your brain waves also begin to slow down from wakeful states.

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People find it easiest to wake up from Stage 1 sleep as compared to the other stages. Stage 2 of non-REM sleep accounts for nearly 50% of our total sleep cycle. This stage of sleep is what you are likely to fall into more than any other stage through the night. Stage 2 is when the body transitions into a deeper sleep. During stage 2 of non-REM sleep, the following happens in and to your body and its functions: ●

Your body systems continue to relax and slow down.

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Your core body temperature drops.

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Your eye movements stop.

Your brain waves also slow down though some short bursts of activity can be seen. Stages 3 and 4 are stages of a deep sleep, and during these two stages, the following takes place: ●

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Your breathing and heartbeat reach their lowest point as your muscles relax completely.

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Your brain waves are also at their slowest pace.

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It is not easy to wake up from deep sleep, even in the presence of loud noises and other disturbances.

Deep sleep is also called “slow-wave sleep” (SWS) and lasts for about 45-90 minutes. In the first half of the night, the duration of deep sleep lasts longer and keeps reducing with each sleep cycle. REM Sleep Stage 5 is what is known as REM sleep, which happens about 90 minutes after the non-REM stages. During stage 5, the following happens: ●

Your eyes move under your eyelids rapidly from side to side.

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Your heart rate is almost the same as in your wakeful state.

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Your limbs can even become paralyzed.

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You have dreams because your brain activity increases, and you achieve a more wakeful state than in non-REM sleep.

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Your breathing becomes fast and also irregular occasionally.

Importance and Benefits of Deep Sleep During deep sleep, glucose metabolism in the brain increases, which is important for short-term and long-term memory as well as for overall learning. It is during the deep sleep phase when the pituitary gland in the brain secretes vital hormones, including the human growth hormone, which is important for the growth and development of the body. Other benefits of deep sleep are:

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Energy restoration

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Increased blood supply to muscles

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Cell regeneration

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Promoting repair and growth of bones and tissues

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Strengthening of the immune system

The lack of sufficient amounts of deep sleep can cause a lot of problems for you. It is during this phase of sleep when the information accumulated through the day is processed. When deep sleep is not enough, the brain cannot convert and store this information to your memory. The lack of quality sleep, which is essentially embedded in your deep sleep phase, is also connected to other health disorders like heart disease, Alzheimer’s disease, stroke, and diabetes. The deep sleep stage is also associated with certain sleep-related disorders like night terrors, sleepwalking, sleep eating, and bedwetting. About 75% of our night’s sleep is non-REM sleep, and the balance 25% accounts for REM sleep. Deep sleep accounts for about 13-23% of your total sleep. It is also important to remember that deep sleep reduces with age. In that context, deep sleep quantity goes something like the following: ●

Under the age of 30, you are likely to get about two hours of deep sleep.

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If you are over 65 years of age, you are likely to get only about 30 minutes of a deep sleep, perhaps, none at all, if you have other physical, mental, and emotional health issues. For the rest, it falls somewhere in between depending on the mental state, life stresses, and multiple other factors.

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In truth, deep sleep is not really a specific requirement. However, younger people need it more than older people because of the growth hormone that is released during that time, which is vital for growth and development. While older people also need some amount of deep sleep, not getting enough of, it does not necessarily translate to having a sleep disorder.

Signs of the Lack of Deep Sleep If you wake up every morning feeling enervated, it can be a sign that you are not getting sufficient deep sleep. Thanks to technology, wearable devices are available on the market that keeps track of your body movements and measures the quantity and quality of sleep during the night. These wearable devices are good to help you identify sleep patterns. However, they may not be a dependable indicator of your deep sleep. A sleep study called polysomnography is available with a prescription from your doctor, and is a good indicator of the quantity of deep sleep you are getting. During this test, you have to sleep in a laboratory, and you are hooked up to monitors that keep track of and measure your breathing rate, body movements, oxygen levels, brain waves, and heart rate. Your doctor can use the data collected from this test to check if your deep sleep requirements are being met.

Tips for Improved Deep Sleep Quality Heat is known to promote deep sleep. Therefore, it might be a great idea to take a hot bath before your bedtime to improve the quality of your sleep. Low-carb diets and certain antidepressants are also known to promote sleep, although research work in this realm is still needed for a clearer understanding.

Another obvious tip to improve deep sleep is by increasing your sleep time. You can use the following tips as well: ●

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Have a regular sleep schedule, and make sure you go to bed and wake up at the same time each day. Exercising for at least 20-30 minutes is a great way to improve sleep quality. However, working out just before your bedtime might not be a good idea. Avoid caffeine and other decaffeinated drinks as your bedtime approaches. Water is your best bet to quench thirst. Avoid alcohol and nicotine also before bedtime as it hampers sleep quality. Do not eat heavy meals for dinner, and also make sure you eat early. Rich, heavy foods should be completely avoided at least a couple of hours before your bedtime. Acidic or spicy foods can give you stomach problems as well as heartburns. Avoid daytime naps as it can hamper restful sleep at night. If you absolutely need it, make sure it is not for more than half an hour. Also, you must finish your nap by 3 p.m. If you cannot fall asleep immediately, don't lie down tossing and turning. Instead, get up and try to do some activity (perhaps, reading a book) until you are tired. You can consider replacing your pillow(s) if you have had them for more than a year, and you are facing difficulties in getting comfortable. Avoid all kinds of stimulating activity before your bedtime.

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For example, don't check out social media messages, have discussions and arguments with your partner or family member, or try catching up on work. Keep all these activities for the morning and get into bed at your scheduled time. Loud noises and bright lights should be banished from your bedroom. Also, switch off electronic devices, including TV, mobiles, and the computers at least an hour before your bedtime. The blue light emitted by electronic devices disrupts the production of melatonin, an essential hormone for sleep, in your body. Avoid drinking too much liquid before bedtime. Getting up for frequent toilet visits is likely to hamper the quality of your sleep. In fact, stop drinking anything at least an hour before your bedtime, which is a great way to limit bathroom visits at night.

Chapter Six: Understanding Deep Sleep Deep sleep, slow-wave sleep, or delta sleep is a vital stage in the sleep cycle that plays an important role in the functioning of our brain and memory. It is called delta sleep because, during this stage, low-frequency and highamplitude delta waves are seen in the electroencephalogram (EEG). Although we know that we need anywhere between seven to nine hours of sleep each night, sleep itself is a complex phenomenon, as discussed partially in the previous chapter. You already know that the two primary categories of sleep are REM and nonREM, and each of these has different stages, all of which are important for a good night’s rest. Human beings cycle through these stages in a more or less regular pattern as we sleep, and good night’s rest consists of repeating these cycles a few times before we wake up in the morning.

Deep Sleep Requirements All the stages of sleep are vital for human beings, and yet, the deep sleep stage is specifically important for brain functioning and brain health. It is during the deep sleep stage when the brain processes the information collected during the day and creates and stores them as memories for later retrieval. The stage of deep sleep is when the brain rests and recovers from a full day of thinking. This period is critical for the brain to replenish its energy by producing glucose to be prepared for the next day. Also, deep sleep helps to balance the hormones of the body. The pituitary gland secretes the human growth hormone during this time.

Therefore, the time and quality of deep sleep are as important as the time and quality of overall sleep that we get. When we sleep for about 7-9 hours, we typically get plenty of deep sleep time as well. The good thing about our sleep patterns is that if our body does not get enough deep sleep in one night, then it balances it off the next night by falling into deep sleep states at a faster and more frequent rate. However, if the lack of sufficient deep sleep is a chronic state, then brain function and health can be affected. In the past, deep sleep was divided into stages 3 and 4, depending on the percentage of delta waves present. Stage 4 exhibited more delta wave activity than stage 3, and therefore, it was thought that Stage 4 was a deeper state of sleep than stage 3. However, recent research has not been able to clearly demonstrate any significant differences between the benefits at Stage 3 and 4 levels. For this reason, recent scientists have combined the two stages as one and have given it a new name, N3. Subjectively speaking, deep sleep is that stage when we are in the nearcomplete disengaged state from our surroundings. Waking people from the deep sleep stage is very difficult, and in children sleeping in this state will be nearly impossible to wake up. Sleepwalking disorders, if any, are manifested in the deep sleep stage, So, what is sleepwalking? It occurs when suddenly, the motor centers of the brain are aroused and awakened. When this happens, the person in the deep sleep state is dissociated from the surroundings, but the complex motor centers function with limited awareness and judgment. The deep sleep phase is when multiple physiological processes take place in our bodies. Most of our deep sleep happens in the first two sleep cycles, with the first cycle accounting for the most amount of deep sleep. Deep sleep frequency and duration reduces as the night progresses and is replaced by the lighter sleep stage 2.

Deep sleep is the most effective stage that helps in decreasing the sleep drive that is accumulated steadily right through the day. Even though the amount of sleep stage 2 is far more than the amount of deep sleep we get each night, deep sleep is what contributes the most for rejuvenating and refreshing us than any other stage. Research studies on neural networks in the brain suggests that deep sleep is the stage when the brain is cleared of all the fog collected during the day and is prepared to accept new information and learning the next day. There is a reason why our daytime naps should not be more than 20-30 minutes so that our night sleep is not hampered. This short duration of 20-30 minutes is not sufficient for a deep sleep stage to be reached. Most of this time is spent in stage 2. IfN3 occurs during your daytime nap, decreasing your sleep drive by nighttime; in turn, this makes it difficult for you to fall asleep. How is deep sleep connected to meditation? Some Eastern metaphysical belief systems believe that the state of consciousness through which we live our lives represent gross awareness. These mystics believe that a more subtle state of consciousness exists, which can be accessed through meditation. This subtle consciousness is believed to be similar to the dreaming state. In this subtle state of awareness, the deepest state is when we become aware of the emptiness in which all phenomena are said to take place. Advanced meditation training is known to help people achieve this subtle state of awareness and experience the power of dreaming and deep sleep state while we are awake.

Deep Sleep Technologies Technology has made a huge impact on the development of therapies for sleep disorders. Nearly 35 years ago, CPAP or continuous positive airway pressure was invented.

This invention revolutionized the way sleep apnea, and snoring were treated. Before the invention of CPAP, extremely sensitive surgical procedures were necessary to resolve these problems. CPAP therapy is continuously evolving, and the newer devices constructed are increasingly easy to use and silent too. Auto-CPAP makes automatic adjustments based on an algorithm designed to respond to real-time breathing disturbances. Also, these devices are connected to various service providers through the internet, which enables data collections and therapy adjustments. Another device called hypoglossal nerve stimulator that has become a highly effective surgical therapy for people with severe sleep apnea. It is a pacemaker for the tongue, and it activates the airway muscles during sleep. It is a great tool to help people with sleep apnea, especially those who cannot tolerate CPAP. Lightbox technology is a new invention to manage insomnia and circadian rhythm disorders. The light delivered through a lamp or glasses helps to resolve insomnia and circadian rhythm problems. This phototherapy has been a boon for people with sleep disorders. Sleep apps on smartphones are also available in plenty. These apps use body movements to track sleep and wakeful states. Many of them can be synchronized with morning alarms. Also, some of them play soothing sounds and teach relaxation techniques as well. Some of these apps are designed even to give sleep advice. Wearables in the form of smartwatches and wristbands are also excellent deep sleep trackers and recorders of sleep metrics. These wearables can measure your heart rate, blood oxygen levels, etc. to estimate your sleep state. Like sleep apps, these wearables also guide on how to improve sleep.

Smart beds and mattresses are new devices added to the list of amazing deep sleep technology. Options to measure and track sleep metrics are incorporated into the mattress. Moreover, the mattress is designed to automatically position itself in such a way as to alleviate snoring and/or sleep apnea. The temperatures of these beds and mattresses can also be regulated to help alleviate sleep disorder symptoms. The sleep technology market also has external bedside monitoring systems and devices designed to be placed on the bedside table. These technological devices survey and monitor the sleep environment even as collect sleep data and also extend helpful interventions. Some of these sleep technology devices are targeted at creating the right kind of sleep environment for optimal rest. Here are some of the elements these sleep devices can control and regulate: Light - The right amount of light can enhance sleep quality significantly. It is best to sleep in a dark room with little or no light. During the day, blackout curtains are great. But the problem with these curtains is that unless someone draws them in the morning, getting up becomes an issue. Technology has a solution for this problem. Devices that automatically enhance exposure to light and dark are available in the marketplace. The shades are automatically drawn as night draws closer. You can also obtain light that is very similar to sunrise from these artificial sources. These kinds of devices optimize the timing of exposure to light and dark, which can have a positive impact on the quality of sleep. Sound - We all know the disturbing power of external sounds and noises and how they can disrupt our sleep. White noise machines are excellent tools to blot out these noise disturbances. Also, some of the devices produce soothing and relaxing sounds that either mimic natural sounds or cancel out bothersome artificial noises.

Devices that fill your bedroom with soothing sounds are excellent tools to invest in if you are looking to solve some of your sleep disorders. Noisecanceling devices that you can cuddle up with are also available in the market. The evolution of noise-canceling and natural sound-enhancing devices has been amazing in the last few years. Earlier, sleep aids for sound canceling were nothing more than white noise creators. Today’s technologies have created devices through which you can hear natural soothing sounds like the sound of the ocean, gentle rushing of leaves, or sounds of insects chirping, etc. all of which are excellent sleeping aids. These sound-regulating sleeping aids help you transport yourself to your favored destination in your mind as you sleep peacefully like a baby making sure you are wake up ready to take on the challenges of a bright new day. Temperature – Many people awaken in the night because their bedroom is too hot or too cold and is no longer comfortable. A bedroom that is excessively hot or cold can take away the restfulness of your sleep. A cool environment at the optimal temperature is a perfect way of getting amazing quality sleep. Devices that align the room temperature with your body needs are great devices to have in your bedroom. Remember that our body temperature drops at night when we are sleeping dovetailing the external temperature leaving us uncomfortably warm or cold. Technological devices that automatically sense our body temperature and adjust the external temperature will help reduce the discomfort and enhance your sleep quality significantly. You would hardly need to wake up sweating or freezing because your fan, air conditioner, or heater has to be manually adjusted. And sometimes, even these manual adjustments may not be sufficient for optimal temperature conditions in your room.

So, it makes sense to have a sleep-enhancing temperature-regulating device for your bedroom. Some temperature-regulated devices are also designed to cool the brain, which has a direct impact on sleep quality. Humidity - Humidity automatically brings to mind the images of summertime. A humid environment is perhaps one of the worst conditions to sleep in. Not only is it uncomfortable being disturbed from your sleep by sweat, but your sleep pattern also goes awry. Humidity-controlling devices alter the humidity in the environment to the sweet spot for the best comfort, which is room humidity of between 30-50%. A humidity-regulating sleep technology aid you can help you breathe easy, manage allergies, do away with snoring, sleep apnea, and other sleep-related problems. Air Pressure - Air pressure can impact your breathing, especially during night time sleep. A sleep pod that tracks, monitors, and regulates air pressure in your sleep environment might be a good option to have. In fact, a well-designed device that regulates external air pressure can help reduce airway obstruction without having to wear the rather uncomfortable CPAP mask on your face. Regulated air pressure of your sleep environment can also help in alleviating snoring as recurring blockages connected with sleep apnea. Altering Brain Waves - It is possible to induce changes in the brain waves produced during sleep to help improve sleep quality. Devices that reinforce slow waves can be helpful. While devices for this purpose are available, solutions for brain wave regulation are also available in the form of sound and music. You can use freely available binaural beats and listen to them before bedtime.

What are binaural beats? When you hear two different tones in your two ears, which differ slightly in frequency, then your brain processes these two tones at the difference of the frequencies. This is called binaural beat. For example, if you are simultaneously listening to a drone at a frequency of 132 Hz in your left ear and at a frequency of 121 Hz in your right ear, then your brain processes the sound at a frequency of 11 Hz resulting in you hearing three tones. These binaural beats are believed to be auditory illusions and are believed to have numerous benefits for your mind. Binaural beats are believed to induce the same effect on your brain as does meditation but more quickly and easily. The benefits of listening to binaural beats include: ●

Reduced anxiety

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Increased concentration and focus

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Lowered stress

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Increased relaxation

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Improved moods

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Improved creativity

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Pain management

Binaural beats also claim to have the same benefits as meditation, which is the practice of calming the mind and reducing the chatter in your head. Binaural beats between 1 Hz and 30 Hz are believed to create the same brain wave pattern as recorded in people practicing meditation. Binaural beats are freely available on the internet, and you can download them and listen to them at your convenience with headphones or earphones. Here is a breakup of frequency, and the corresponding brain waves impacted so that you can choose what is best suited for you at a given time.

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Delta brain waves correspond to binaural beats between 1 and 4 Hz frequencies and have been linked to relaxation and deep sleep. Theta brain waves correspond to binaural beats between 4 and 8 Hz frequencies and have been associated with creative, meditative, relaxation, and reduced anxiety states of mind. Alpha brain waves correspond to binaural beats between 8 and 13 Hz and are believed to have the power to reduce anxiety, improve positivity, and help you relax. Beta brain waves correspond to binaural beats between 14 and 30 Hz frequencies and are known to increase alertness, concentration, memory, and problem-solving skills.

So, depending on your need, you can listen to the binaural beats of your choice. You simply need to find a comfortable, undisturbed place and listen to these beats for about 30 minutes every day. Use your headphones to make sure the rhythm gets deeply entrenched throughout your brain. You can test out binaural beats and the duration you would like to listen to and choose what works for you well for any given situation. For example, if you are highly stressed, then you might want to listen to alpha or theta binaural beats for even up to an hour to help you deal with the stress. Research work in this realm is still in the early stages. However, what little work has been done demonstrates the effectiveness of listening to binaural beats to get various benefits, as mentioned above.

The best part is that there are no negative side-effects to listening to binaural beats, provided you keep the volume of your headphones at a reasonable level. Therefore, it does make sense to try out the power of binaural and decide for yourself.

The Future of Sleep Technology A lot of work is happening in the field of telemedicine to help improve the quality of sleep, a cause of deep concern in modern times. Sleep physicians are becoming increasingly important in the field of medicine and have a big role to play in sleep therapy. Moreover, artificial intelligence *AI) is also being tried to provide some useful guidance to manage sleep disorders like insomnia. AI can make cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia accessible in an innovative and novel way. Yet, a word of caution makes sense at this stage. Regardless of the times, history has shown that unscrupulous people will always try to make a quick buck with things that are ‘trending.’ It would be a wise thing not to fall for easy traps and speak to a qualified medical health worker like your physician before making large-value and critical health-related decisions. Finally, there is no doubt that a lot of work needs to be done in the field of sleep therapy, considering the immense amount of stress and anxiety that the modern world puts on human beings. Thanks to the fast-paced life driven by limitless desires, we seem to have forgotten the importance and respect that a good night’s rest deserves. So, even if sleep technologies might be partially driven by financial gain, the fact that these devices might become a vital part of our lives cannot be undermined. After all, sleep is one of the most critical aspects of life.

Chapter Seven: Putting Deep Sleep, Meditation, and Hypnosis Together Now that you have a fairly clear idea on the basics of meditation, hypnosis, and deep sleep technologies, we can focus on how you can use meditation and hypnosis help manage your sleep patterns, as well as helping you lead a happy, healthy, and meaningful life, free from stress and anxiety.

Sleep and Meditation If you are plagued by insomnia and its myriad related problems that are threatening to cripple your life, then maybe it is time for you to reach out to meditation techniques, the simplest to learn (yes, not so easy to master), and the cheapest as well. There is nothing you need to invest in except, perhaps, a nice cushion or chair on which you can practice your meditation persistently and regularly. Meditation’s deep relaxation techniques demonstrate their power to enhance quality sleep, increase the duration of sleep, and make it easy to fall asleep. Here are some irrefutable facts about meditation that can hopefully drive you to give it a shot. Meditation is safe - The only time meditation can hurt you is if you choose to practice it for monstrously long periods in a day. Otherwise, a simple 30minute meditation session is not just safe but also effective, especially to help you fall asleep and stay asleep.

Meditation is an all-natural, free, and medication-free therapy that holds much promise in overcoming the challenges of insomnia. Studies have even shown that people who started regular meditation practice were able to reduce their sleeping pills dosage. Meditation helps reduce brain activity, which, in turn, allows you to relax and fall asleep. Meditation can be supplemented with any other form of sleep therapy Mindfulness meditation, for example, combined with cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (or CBTI) has shown a significant improvement in sleep quality and the ability to fall asleep faster than if the patient used only CBTI. Meditation has numerous other medical and health-related benefits - You already know that sleep quality is affected by multiple health problems like anxiety, pain, blood pressure and vascular issues, and depression. Meditation practices also help to alleviate symptoms of these health problems resulting in improving sleep quality both as a direct and indirect effect. Meditation is easy to learn - Learning the concepts behind meditation is quite easy, not to mention budget-friendly. However, mastering the techniques is likely to take a lot of time. The good thing is even short meditation sessions (which do not require mastery levels) are known to benefit practitioners significantly. Moreover, meditation can be done by people of all ages, right from a teenager up to senior citizens. All of them would respond well with meditation practices. Meditation helps to improve the quality of sleep in multiple ways, such as: ●

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Meditation improves relaxation responses, which, in turn, help you manage worries and stresses. It also improves your control of the autonomous nervous system, thereby reducing how easily you can be awakened in the middle of your sleep.

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It is known to increase the production of melatonin, the sleep hormone, as well as serotonin, which is the precursor of melatonin. Meditation reduces heart rate and blood pressure. It activates those parts of the brain that are responsible for controlling sleep.

You can use any of the meditation techniques mentioned in this book and choose one that is most suitable for you. Body-scan meditation as you wait for sleep to take over your body and mind would be a great idea. As you lie down on your bed, breathe gently for a minute or two, and settle into a comfortable position. Starting from your toes, move your focus slowly upwards and as you pass through each body part, pay attention to it and focus on any feelings of tension that you might feel. Release the tension before moving on to the next body part. Typically, by the time you reach the top of your head and feel all the tension from your body being released into the external environment, you will find yourself completely relaxed and ready to fall asleep. The trick about meditation is to be patient with yourself. It takes time to understand that you cannot control your thoughts. You only have the option of waiting patiently for disturbing thoughts to run their course and then gently get your attention back on your meditation.

Sleep and Hypnosis Sleep disorders are mostly buried deep in our unconscious minds. When we lie down to sleep, our feelings of sleepiness are replaced by fears and anxieties, ranging from worrying about work the next day to far more serious health issues, that we or family members may be suffering from, for example.

How does hypnosis work to help you sleep better? Interestingly, hypnosis has always been shown in movies as being exciting and entertaining, as you watch people, seemingly hypnotized, cluck like a chicken or quack like a duck. By now, you know how far the truth is from this misconceived notion. Hypnosis, in reality, is quite boring, and yes, sleep-inducing. Hypnosis is used by people to help in improving the quality of their sleep through relaxation and getting rid of anxieties. People diagnosed with insomnia might be helped through hypnosis to relax their body. Similarly, a sleepwalker can be cured through hypnotic suggestion to wake up as soon as his or her feet the floor. Hypnosis can also be used to increase the amount of time you get in the deep sleep stage. In fact, numerous studies have shown that deep sleep time can be enhanced by over 80% through hypnosis. Sleep-inducing hypnosis sessions generally involve the hypnotic voice of the therapist using words like ‘deep,’ ‘relax,’ ‘easily,’ ‘let go,’ etc. These words are excellent for helping people drift off to sleep. It is possible that the person undergoing hypnosis might drift off to sleep after the session. While people come out of hypnotic sessions with feelings of being totally relaxed, the reality is that during hypnosis, the brain goes into a state of deep focus, which makes the person highly suggestible. Hypnosis for sleep is referred to as sleep hypnosis. It involves listening to verbal cues that help you get drawn into a hypnotic trance. During this highly suggestible period, the therapist will make suggestions directly to your subconscious mind in ways that will help improve your sleep quality. Sleepinducing hypnosis pushes us from the trance-like hypnotic state to sleep state. Sleep-Promoting hypnotherapy helps us improve the quality of our sleep in the following ways: It helps us relax our physical bodies. Hypnosis helps us relieve physical stress and tension in our bodies.

It relaxes tense muscles and makes our body become heavy with sleep. Our body is completely relaxed under hypnosis, which is achieved through focus and breathing techniques. It helps us relax mentally. Like meditation, the hypnotic trance is a state of heightened awareness, concentration, and focus. Hypnosis helps your mind to unburden itself of all its worries and anxieties. Hypnosis helps you steer your mind away from your consciousness, including conscious thoughts, and disconnects you from your external surroundings. Sleep hypnosis facilitates slowing down of your thoughts or tune them out completely and place your entire attention on something else. It helps in inducing sleep. When you are in a hypnotic trance, you are not asleep. In fact, you are in a state of heightened awareness and concentration. But, your body and mind can easily transition from a hypnotic trance to a sleep state because both these states share similar traits, including total mental and physical relaxation. Simple suggestions in the state of hypnotic trance are sufficient to help you transition into sleep. Hypnosis helps you fall into a deep sleep stage. Multiple research studies have demonstrated that listening to a sleep hypnosis recording or the voice of a sleep hypnotherapist can help us get into a deep sleep state faster than otherwise. Moreover, studies have also proven that people who use sleep hypnosis recordings are likely to get up to an extra 80% of deep sleep. Therefore, sleep hypnosis helps us sleep faster and also stay asleep for a longer time even as we get to be in a deep sleep state sufficiently to wake up refreshed and rejuvenated. Additionally, hypnotherapy provides a means of reducing the cause of all types of insomnia, including long-term and acute insomnia.

Long-term insomnia and hypnotherapy - One of the most challenging problems of long-term insomniacs is the deep feeling of anxiety about their ability to fall asleep. Thanks to their continuous struggle with sleep, their minds are conditioned into believing that falling asleep will never cease to be a big issue for them. This conditioning about their inability to fall asleep takes deep root in their subconscious mind. Hypnosis sessions can help such people to reframe these conditions buried deep in their unconscious mind and replace them with positive affirmations and associations. For example, a sleep hypnosis session for a person diagnosed with long-term insomnia is likely to have a tape recording or a therapist’s voice using positive words and phrases like rest, tranquility, peace, etc. which are used to describe sleep and bedtime. These suggestions help the unconscious mind get rid of conditioned thoughts and remove the negative association of stress with bedtime and sleep. Acute insomnia and hypnotherapy - For people suffering from acute insomnia, sleep hypnosis provides a detailed process to tune out conscious thoughts followed by achieving a state of complete physical and mental relaxation, and then finally, preparing the mind and body to go to sleep. Acute insomnia also stems from anxiety or stress. It can be rooted in your worry about all the things that went wrong today or the potential problems you will face tomorrow. Hypnosis provides your body and mind with a supportive framework to shut down effectively and seamlessly and get into a soothing and relaxing sleep. Hypnosis is also known to help people with other sleep-related issues. It can help people to overcome challenges of restless leg syndrome, jet lag, sleepwalking, and night terrors. Jet lag and hypnotherapy - Long-distance travel across different time zones can throw your internal biological clock out of rhythm,

making it very difficult for you to fall asleep. Sleep hypnosis can help restore your internal rhythm. Ideally, you can follow self-hypnosis sessions for about a week after your return home just before your bedtime every day. Selfhypnosis helps your body to unwind and reset itself to its original biological rhythm and come back to your usual schedule faster. Restless leg syndrome and hypnotherapy - Restless leg syndrome (RLS) is a medical condition that makes people want to fidget constantly. This feeling is almost always uncontrollable. This condition is a big issue that can affect sleep patterns and quality of sleep. In fact, RLS is one of the most common factors of insomnia, considering that the person cannot be still and is continually tossing and turning in bed. Anxiety and stress exacerbate these painful symptoms. Hypnotherapy sessions for people suffering from RLS can provide tools with which they can take their minds off of their body discomforts and associate sleep with stillness and rest. Consequently, they can improve the quality of their sleep significantly. Night terrors and hypnotherapy - Night terrors can disrupt sleep right through the night, leaving you completely enervated and fatigued in the morning when you wake up. Night terrors awaken people in a state of panic, resulting in confusion. Moreover, people who are aroused in panic find it difficult to communicate and articulate their thoughts. Hypnotherapy can help such people discern, identify, and examine the thought patterns that lead to night terrors and suitably reframe them in the unconscious mind. Sleepwalking and hypnotherapy - Many times, sleepwalking is shown as being a harmless sleep disorder. However, sleepwalking is a serious problem as it not only disrupts sleep but can also put the person experiencing this phenomenon and others around him or her in danger. With hypnotherapy,

sleepwalkers can update their unconscious mind and substitute those thoughts that are contributing to sleepwalking. Studies have shown that hypnotherapy is highly effective to cure the sleepwalking disorder. However, sleep hypnosis does not always work for everyone. Like other hypnotic processes, it works best for people who are suggestible and are eager to believe in the concept of hypnosis working effectively. Studies demonstrate that about 25% of people cannot really be hypnotized. Moreover, hypnosis should ideally be combined with other therapies for optimal results. Despite some hitches for some people, sleep hypnosis is prescribed by physicians to help their patients overcome sleep disorders. People have successfully used hypnosis to solve sleep problems, and many have seen positive results within a couple of sessions. In most cases, hypnotherapy is used as a supplementary tool along with other therapies to solve sleep-related issues. For all the conditions described above, it makes sense to use the services of a professional therapist for optimal outcomes. A professional is trained to dig deep into your unconscious mind without negatively impacting your conscious mind and thoughts. He or she will be able to determine behavioral patterns and habits that are causing problems and replace them with the right kind of habits and patterns.

Conclusion It is easy to understand how hypnosis, meditation, and sleep are inextricably interconnected in human beings. All three of them deal with an intangible part of our lives, and it is important to know how you can harness the power of hypnosis and meditation to not only improve your sleep quality and be more relaxed and stress-free but also to lead a purposeful, happy life. Let us summarize our learning as a way of ending this book. Meditation has been in existence for thousands of years, and meditative practices have been part of many cultures around the world. Meditation is not about changing your personality or becoming someone else. It is about training in self-awareness and the awareness of our surroundings so that we can get the right, objective perspective on our lives and everything associated with it. Meditation is not about trying to withdraw and switch off our emotions. On the contrary, it is about embracing all emotions with an objective and nonjudgmental view and harnessing their power to lead a more productive and satisfying life than before. The benefits of meditation are numerous, including the following: ●

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It expands your brain both physically as well as your thinking capability. Yes, meditation is believed to increase the volume and thickness of certain areas of the brain even as it helps you look at things objectively and make sensible, informed decisions. Meditation reduces the production of the stress hormone, cortisol, which helps to relax and reduce anxiety and stress.

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It facilitates blood pressure regulation and reduces heart rate reducing the risk of heart-related and vascular diseases. Meditation enhances the production of serotonin and dopamine, both of which are believed to improve moods. It activates the parasympathetic nervous system helping us to rest and recover from anxiety and stress. Meditation reduces stress-related problems like depression and anxiety and also increases our resilience to stress, thereby helping us manage this debilitating condition without impacting our lives negatively. It improves positive emotions primarily through stress reduction but also through the feeling of rejuvenation that follows meditation sessions. It improves our focus and awareness, emotional stability, and intelligence. Meditation helps you become a better learner by stimulating the prefrontal cortex, which is the center of learning in the brain.

All of the above benefits contribute to our sense of physical and mental wellbeing, helping us lead stress-free and purposeful lives. Hypnosis works like meditation in the sense that it helps us achieve a state of intense focus and concentration so much so that we can get beyond our conscious mind and connect directly with our unconscious mind. Although science has not been able to explain why and how hypnosis happens,

psychiatrists understand the characteristics of hypnosis and hypnotherapy and know how to harness its powers for the benefit of their clients. A hypnotic trance is characterized by a high degree of suggestibility, heightened awareness, and deep relaxation. A hypnotic trance appears as if the person is asleep. However, in reality, the person in a trance is alert and completely in control of himself or herself the whole time. It is just that the person is so deeply focused on one thing that he or she can disconnect and tune out everything else in the surrounding. Hypnosis is frequently compared to daydreaming or a feeling of ‘losing yourself’ as you would when you are reading an engrossing book or watching a riveting movie. The high level of suggestibility achieved in a hypnotic trance is used by therapists to directly or indirectly make useful and productive suggestions to the unconscious mind, which can then be used by the conscious mind for making positive changes in life like eliminating bad habits, improving sleep, etc. In this highly suggestive state, you are ready to embrace ideas that the therapist puts into your head. This is the reason why hypnosis works. However, not everyone can be hypnotized, and the degree of hypnotizability is dependent on various factors, including the willingness and beliefs of the person undergoing hypnosis. Sleep is an essential factor for a happy, healthy life. Without sleep, our ability to function optimally or even normally is severely compromised. Unfortunately, modern life’s stress levels have caused a lot of sleep issues in a significant portion of the world’s population. Reconnecting with good quality sleep is vital if we want to lead a good, meaningful, and purposeful life.

Sleep is a complex process and consists of multiple stages categories as REM and non-REM sleep. Stage 5 (earlier referred to as stage 5) or N3 sleep or deep sleep or delta sleep is the most vital stage in which important brain functions occur including consolidation and storage of data accumulated during the day and clearing off the brain to be prepared to learn and imbibe new lessons the next day. The lack of sleep both in terms of quality and quantity impairs our functioning ability the next day, and we wake up feeling drowsy and fatigued even if we have spent time lying down on our beds. Therefore, we must work on our sleep patterns and habits to ensure that we get a good night’s rest and be prepared to face the challenges of a new day. Both hypnosis and meditation are highly helpful to improve our sleep quality. Hypnotherapy and meditation techniques facilitate deep relaxation so that we can transition into a deep sleep quickly and effectively. Also, multiple sleep disorders and sleep-related issues like insomnia can be managed by using hypnotherapy and meditation along with other supplementary treatments. Also, a multitude of deep sleep technologies in the form of smartphone apps, wearable devices, devices that can be placed in your bedroom, and devices that can be implanted into your body are available in the market. These devices are excellent tools to improve sleeping habits and patterns. The value and importance of rest, relaxation, and sleep cannot be undermined. Without these elements, human beings are likely to drown in physical, mental, and emotional health issues that can have a debilitating effect not only on our own lives but also on our loved ones. Therefore, it makes sense to invest time and energy to rebuild healthy and powerful rest and relaxation patterns in our lives to prevent us from spiraling downward into an abyss of stress, anxiety, depression, and a world of other problems.

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