You and Your Family [1961 ed]
486 53 57MB
English Pages [320] Year 1960
Polecaj historie
![Music for the Family [1961 ed]](https://dokumen.pub/img/200x200/music-for-the-family-1961-ed.jpg)
![Your Child Goes to School [1961 ed]](https://dokumen.pub/img/200x200/your-child-goes-to-school-1961-ed.jpg)
![Worry-Free Living: Finding Relief from Anxiety and Stress for You and Your Family [1 ed.]
9781780783444, 9781780782263](https://dokumen.pub/img/200x200/worry-free-living-finding-relief-from-anxiety-and-stress-for-you-and-your-family-1nbsped-9781780783444-9781780782263.jpg)
![You and Your Family [1961 ed]](https://dokumen.pub/img/200x200/you-and-your-family-1961-ed.jpg)
Citation preview
VV^f ft
riS
N
"^•vlt"*-
-1
^^^
//'
IMMI IILVLI
irjRi
^
^J^
w^
o
w^
o '/:
U l^WL
^•^
Digitized by tine Internet Arcinive in
2011
i?tV^
http://www.archive.org/details/childcraftyouyou12fiel
#
CHILDCRAFT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY
•p-
IN
FIFTEEN
VOLUMES
VOLUIVIE TWELVE
YOU
AIMD
YOUR
TAIVIILY
FIELD ENTERPRISES EDUCATIONAL CORPORATION Merchandise Mart Plaza Chicaqo 5^^ Illinois •
1961 Edition'
CHILDCRAFT (Reg. U.S. Pat. Off.)
©
Q^pyright 1960, U.S.A. by Field Enterprises Educational Corporation Copvright Copyright
©
1954, 1949 by Field Enterprises. Inc.
© 1947, 1945, 1942, 1939 © 1937, 1935, 1934 by
Copyright
The Copyright
©
by The Quarrie Corporation \V. F. Quarrie
&:
Company
Child's Treasury
1931, 1923 by
W.
F. Quarrie
International Copyright
©
& Company
1960
by Field Enterprises Educational Corporation International Copyright
©
1954, 1949
by Field Enterprises, Inc. International Copyright
by
All
rights
reproduced
©
1947
The Quarrie Corporation
reserved. in
This volume
whole or
in
part
may in
not be
any
form
without written permission from the publishers.
Printed in the United States of America F.\A
On
Being a Parent
world is more fascinating and challenging than being a parent. Parenthood is as old as the human race, and as young as the most recent parent. It can bring you the greatest joys and the most satisfying rewards. But being a parent also brings you face to face \^•ith situations and problems which tax your greatest wisdom,
NOTHING
in all the
and patience. From day to day you watch }our child grow. He gains control of his bodv. His mind develops. He responds to and communicates with the people around him. He acquires the values and the faith his forefathers cherished. Your affectionate encouragement and the setting you provide can make it possible for him to do his best growing. Yours is a full-time job which is one of life's great ad\entures. It calls for love and for some understanding of what is known about children's development. In this machine age, we can hardly practice a trade or follow a profession without special training. Yet most of us parents face the delicate and demanding task of rearing our children with little or no preparation. We have to learn about parenthood on the job. This is where Childcraft can help. It brings us basic principles which have been tested in actual situations and found to be helpful. We want the best available information in bringing up our children, just as we would in anv other ingenuity,
difficult
undertaking.
Childcraft brings you experience of
1 5 5
these volumes.
help through the practical knowledge and leading child-guidance specialists who have written for this
Among them
are parents, teachers, doctors,
and other
haxe intimate, first-hand knowledge of children. They are sharing with you what they themselves have learned. They are passing on to you, too, the wisdom they have gained from contacts with thousands of other parents, and from the research centers where manv of them work. WTiat the authors have written has been woven into a carefullv unified program. The blueprint for this program was worked out in detail in collaboration with the distinguished child guidance specialists. You will specialists \\'ho
on the next two pages. Childcraft will add to your understanding and enjovment of day-today family living. But it offers no sure-cure prescriptions for sohing fam-
find this blueprint
problems or for securing children's co-operation. What succeeds in the case of on r
WIDENING HORIZONS
D. Sheehy Jane Cooper Bland
Montagu
Every
Ch)ld
Reading Means to a Child
M. Dowley
Gladys G. Jenkins Marion Lowndes
14.
Schools Influence Personality
The Art
Home
the Family
Joseph Prendergast
17.
22. Wliat
Dorothy H. Beers
Barbara Bibcr
If).
THE
Harry F. Dietrich James L. Hymes, Jr. Rhoda W.Bacmcister
THESE DAYS
11.
What
THE
Ralph H. Ojemann
Your
Some Mothers Go Out to Work Some Fathers Must Be .Away from
IN CHILD LIFE
IN
Is
for
NEW PROBLEMS
THERE ARE 10.
to
23.
III.
Katherine Bain
Is the Modern .School Trying Do? What School Means to the Child
15.
9.
Herbert R. Stolz
What Play Means to Your Child Children Need Time for Play and
SCHOOL
News
Responsibility
HoWiies 14.
S.
2.
Day
and Co-
for Health ".\nythingtoEat in This House?" When Children Get Sick
PLAY
M. Gruenberg and H. S. Krech Robert L. Shayon Edgar Dale .\rensa Sondergaard .\gnes Snyder
Our Changing World
GROWTH AND HEALTH
13.
VII.
Ptolz
G.
12.
VI.
Meek
George V. Sheviakov Adrian H. Vander \'eer
5.
11
V.
WORLD COMES TO OUR CHILDREN
Alfred L. Baldwin
ordination
IV.
THE
Today's World
in
ON DEVELOPING
PERSONALITY GOES
10.
15
if
you want
quickly and easily.
to use
Childcil\ft
viii
There
is
no
bchaxior for voii to follow in dealing with no such pattern is possible, for the personal
set pattern of
your children. In fact, make-up of each parent and each child is different. Yet studies of children and of families in recent years ha\e added greatly to what is known about human behavior. Childcraft can give you helpful ways of thinking about some of the puzzling situations mothers and fathers must meet. Tliese new approaches may go far to\\ard clearing up doubts and worries. A fresh viewpoint may make it easier to accept and li\"e with a problem that cannot be solved at the moment. The sound knowledge in these volumes will not replace or hinder vour spontaneit}" with your children. It will, in fact, add richness and warmth to familv relationships.
Knowing what makes your child behave as he does and understanding how to live with him will help you take prompt action when that is necessar}-. Part of this understanding is knowing what to expect. Then you do not worr\^ over beha\ior that is though it may be inconvenient to you.
a
normal part of growth, e\en
Volume 12 deals ^^"ith the o^e^-all problems of You and Your Family. The growth and development of the preschool child is taken up in \^olume 13, Your Younx Child. Volume 14, Your Child Goes TO School, discusses the characteristics and problems of the school-age child up to the age of ten. Such topics as Radio, Television, Comic Books, and Motion Pictures are discussed in Volume 15, Your Child IN Today's W^orld. When you act naturally as a parent, }0u are likely to be on the right track. How vou feel about your youngster and about what you do, counts for more than what you may actually do at any particular moment. Bringing up children with healthy personalities is of deep concern to the nation as well as to individual parents. Because this
is
so vital a ques-
and child development the Mid-Century White House Conference on Washington, D. C. The purpose of this Con-
tion, leaders in education, religion, medicine,
were called together for Children and Youth in ference was "to consider how we can de\elop in children the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual qualities essential to individual happiness and to responsible citizenship." These volumes of Childcr.\ft are dedicated to the achievement of this purpose. Parenthood is a high calling. It calls for an understanding of the interests and basic needs of children. With this interest and understanding as a foundation, you will be better able to enjoy the satisfactions that go with parenthood. You will be better able to meet your responsibilities toward your children. You will, too, be giving your children the warm appreciation, the confidence in themselves their
wholesome growth.
and
in life, so necessar\' to
The
Editors
CONTENTS PAGE
PAGE
When
Understanding Yourself
Parents Disagree
Marriage
yoYS AND Disappointments of Being Katheiine Cliffoid A Parent .
.
Why Do We Want There Are Deep Responsibilities
Children
Your Family
Satisfactions
4
Can Be Heavy
5
....
Same
6
9
Freda
Lawrence K. and Aiary H. Frank
.
Permanent
How You
Handle
It,
Relati\t:s
Counts
Damage Parents Want Help
15
Today's
16
Jean Shick Grossman
.
Grandparents Are Here to Stay Grandparents Make a Contribution If Grandparents Interfere Grandparents Are
The Cousins and
You Had a Family, Ernest G. Osborne Too .
You Carry Childhood with You
....
Understand the Causes Childhoods Affect Marriage Children Bring Back the Past Childhoods Affect Parenthood Face the Past to Deal with It
Lest
Human
Beings
49
53 54 56 56
.
the Aunts
Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot
18 i8
If
19
Three Geneil\tions Li\t, Together Robert G. Foster .
.
19
Home
....
21
Reasons for Sharing a
23
Sharing Has Different Meanings Problems Connected with Money
23
57 58 58 62
.
.
64
as a
Person
William C. Mennfnger
.
Personality Is Complicated
Mental Health Mental Health Rules 1 his
48
51
Worries of Older People
You
47 48
49
.
16
Perfect
.
Values.''
.... ....
GrANT)PARENTS ANT) OtHER
12
Preventing
You Need Not Be
the
43 46
lo lo
Parenthood
"Disturbed" Children?
Not the Event, but
What Are
43
.
.
in
Kehm
S.
Family Means Partnership
New Demands on Fathers New Demands on Mothers What Do We Expect of Children.?
Important
.
Today's Setting
Things Aren't the
Parents Are
Why
in
3
Overcoming Disappointments When You Are Puzzled
Hidden Values
37 40
Grownups
for
Is
.
Is
Emotional Maturity
Ways
of
24 26
What
28
Life
Children Need from James L. Hymes,
24
30
J^
.
Growing
.
.
Jr.
Surface Needs
Children Are Seekers Parents Are Givers
PARE>"rs
Wives
Are also Husbands .
.
.
David R. Mace
—
Good Marriage Good Parents Building a Good Marriage Children Change Things
Needs That .Go Deep Love and Affection A Feeling of Independence A Sense of Achievement Encouragement Parents Who Understand
ant)
32 32
....
32 35
IX
' .
.
.
67 67 67 68 68 69 70 71
72 73
Childcraft PAGE
How Do
Children
Grow?
Man-
PAGE
The Family Fisher Langmuii
Growth Comes from Within Growth Is Orderly Growth Is Uneven Growth Is Individual Growth Can Re Helped Growth Fulfills Itself
74
Council
WiJIiaiii E. Bhitz 11;
74
F.veryone Expresses Himself
115
75
How
117
77 78
Working Out The Values of
Many
Father
Helen Ross
82 82
Mothers Are Givers
World
the Outside
Is
a Family Council
83
Become Teachers Family Circles Become Triangles The Family Is a Proving Ground
84
Parents
85 86
Is
the
MarioH
.
L. Faegre
90
Some Differences Are Inborn Environments Are Never Alike Each Responds in His Own Way
90
When Temperaments
95
.
the Spice
Is
Russell C. Smart 121
.
.
...
Model
Father Brings a Wider World
—
Two-Parent Job Fathers Are Only Human Discipline
a
121
122
.
123
.
125
.
How Can You Deal with Anger.'' How Can You Share Interests?
125
127
Father's Hobbies Fascinate Youngsters
127 128
Them Go
Close, Let
Is
Different
Variety
120
the
in
To Keep Them
Each Child
ng
....
81
Family
Father
Difficulties
79
The Father Parents Play Parts
Works
the Council
Relationships Among Children in the Family
91
93
Differ
....
96
Sometimes Rivals, Sometimes Friends
Edith G. Neisser 131
.
Rivalry Has Justifiable Causes
New
Older Girls Care for Small Fry Jealousy of Older Brothers Expect Ups and Downs
Living Together in the Family Families Shape Personality What
How
.
Lois
Meek
StoJz
Personality.?
Is
Personality
100
Parents' Personality a Force
and
99 99 100
Grows
Effect of Brothers
131
Babies Are Puzzling
102
Sisters
....
Is
Important
102
Accepting Change in Children
103
Training Affects Personality
104
Readiness
Is
What Home Not
the
Key
Building Friendlier Feelings Joan KaJhorn Lasko 141 .
Create a Friendly Atmosphere
141
Teachers Can Provide a Balance
144
.
What Makes Them Good Friends.' How Much Companionship Can We
Expect.'
Keep Your Eye on the Goal
148
106
Some Combinations Are a Special .
Edward
.
.
Twins
Ruth Weude]J Washburn 107 Is
Teaching
Basic Principles of Discipline Conflict
Can
Discipline
Is
Be Constructive in die Situation
... .
One Girl with One Boy with
Several Brothers Several
Sisters
151
Rule
152
Different Interests
107
How
109
Wide Differences in Age The Only Child The Child of Older Parents
112 114
Liss 149 149 150 150
When Twins Have
Discipline for Self-Reli-
Discipline
145 146
106
Challenge
.
.
105
Stands for
Perfection but Progress
ance
135 136 139
.
Each Year
132
to Balance Petticoat
.
...
153
155 156
Contents
XI PAGE
PACE
Family Crises
Sharing Pleasures and Responsibilities
Through Death
Losses
Sharing the
Work
Dorothy Lee 159
.
.
Adele Franlclin 207
.
.
Child Copies Your Feelings What About Jobs and School?
162
What Does Death Mean
163
Teaching Responsibility Should You Pay for Work?
165
Are the Children "Bloodthirsty"? Explaining Death If Death Comes to the Family Should Children Go to Funerals?
A
1^3
Famh^y' CelebraAnna Rose Wright 167 tions
....
Surprises for
Helen
.
W. Pu ner
Half the Fun
When
a Parent
What
of the
219 220
175
....
Feelings
Remarries Part-Time Parent? .
.
Downs
James Lee EUenwood 222
What
Making Vacations Endure
)8o
Know
We
Shall
222
Tell?
222 222
Essential
223 224
Responses Differ
Belonging
Is
Facing Financial Reverses It
Has Happened Before
Daily Life Goes
The Family Keeps Some Vital Facts and Dates It's Fun to Remember A Log Reinforces Solidarity
Reynolds 182 182
217 218
Family Ups and Let Children
Afar/orie K.
214
174
Dorothy
.
.
.
178 180
Records
.
172
tion
177
Is
.
Dia'Orce ANT) Separa-
Enjoying the Journey While You Are Away
Planning
.
.
215
i75
Vacation Give-and-Take
207 207
What Divorce Means to a Child Can Be Shared Should a Child Have Two Homes?
Mother and Father
Family Vacations
.
209 212
.
Labels
.
Baruch 215
167 170
Some Occasions Have No The Values in Celebrations
.
....
W.
.
Making Traditions Spotlight on Birthdays
to a Child?
When If
Fortune Improves
a Parent
Ready
225 226
On
for
226 227 228
Is 111
Anything
186 188
Special Family Situations
Reading Together
Jean Betzner 189
The Adopted Child
Enriching Family Life Happy By-Products for Adults
189 190
This
Is
Understanding Their Tastes Suit Reading to the Listener
192
Two
to
192
May ReynoMs
Adoption
Sherwin 231 231
Get Ready Becoming Acquainted Explaining Adoption
A Building a
.
Favorite Story
233 233 236 236
Home Annis Duff 195
LlBR.\RY
Choosing the Books ... Books About Children's" feading Booklists and Reviews Books for the Family Library For Children Two to Four For Children Four to Six For Children Six to Eight For Children Eii,'ht to Ten .
.
.
.
195 196
Stepparents akd Stepchildren Mary H. Frank 239
....
197 198
Your Feelings About Yourself Feelings About Your Marriage What Are Stumbling Blocks? What Causes the Antagonism?
199 201
Stcpparenthood
197 197
Strengthening the Relationship
No
Secret
239 240
240 240 243 246
Childcraft
Xll
PAGE
Gifted Childrex Gifted
The The The
Is as
Han^ey Zorbaugh 247
.
Gifted Does
Gifted Child's Friends
250
Gifted Child and His School
.251
.
Help for the Crippled Helpful Reading Material
CHILDREN
WHO
p.\LSY
What
The Handicapped Child and Your Child
.
Eleanor P. EeJls 253
.
.
The Handicapped Need Friends V'alues
in
...
253
....
254 256
.
Explaining a Handicap
Handicapped Friends
Is
.
.
HWT. CEREBR.\L Mildred Shriner 275 .
Cerebral
Palsy
.
Meeting the Special Needs Resources for Help What to Read
CHILDREN
WHO
Castendyck 258 Facing a Handicap See the Child, Xot the Handicap
259 262 262
Have Needs Whole Family
Parents
Consider the
Not Epilepsy
Medical Care for Epilepsy Contact with the Outside World Books to Read
264
Where Can
Special Needs of X'^arious Handicaps 266 children who cannot BerthoJd Lowenfeld 267 SEE Where
.
Special
.
Help
Needed
Is
268
Educating the Blind Child Booklets to Read
HELPING CHILDREN TIVE HEARING
=
WHO .
.
.
269 269
Richaid G.
Biill
Hearing Aids for Children School for the Deaf Child Books to Read
.
.
.
I
.271
272 272
/ayne Shovei 273
Use All the Resources
....
282 283 283
Materials to Read
CHILDREN WITH RHEUMATIC FEVER Irene \l. Josselyn 284 Facts
About Rheumatic Fever
284 285 285 286
Happy Family
Living
271 271
School for the Crippled Child
279 280
Get Help.=
Building the Strong
Family
Eduard C. Linde-
.
man and The Strong Family
CHILDREN WHO ARE CRIPPLED
...
270 270
Learning the Meanings of Words How About Speech Training.'
278 278
Acute Illness Convalescence After Convalescence
HA\'E DEFEC-
Deafness and Hearing Loss
278
CHILDREN WHO ARE MENT.\LLY RETARDED EUse H. Marteiis 281 Needs of the Mentally Retarded
.
W. Tenny
258
....
Finding Medical Care
The
275 277 277
ARE
John
All Convulsions
EJsa
.275
.=
EPILEPTIC
The Handicapped Child in the Family Edith M. Stern and
274 274
247 248
....
Gifted Child and His Family
PAGE
New
273 274
A/elvin A. Glasser 289
Is
Flexible
.
289
Rules Are Necessary
291
A
293 294 294
Strong Family Reaches Out
Facing Misfortune Bravely
Humor Goes The
with Confidence
.-Anchor of Society
294
These Are the Authors W. Baruch
Dorothy
in the Family (page 258), what handicapped children need from their families if the^ are to grow up with courage and
Handicapped Child discuss
faniih
counselor, psychologist, trainer of teachers,
and author of Parents Can Be People and a score of other books and articles. In the chapter Divorce AND Separation (page 215 ), she discusses specific wavs of helping a child maintain security and confidence in his parents
when
She has won recognition illnesses
relation
in
his
home
is
broken.
for her studv of children's
to
troubled
situations
that
often occur in the family.
*
confidence.
Katherine Clifford is the mother of six children, and author of Joys and Disappoiniments of Being a Parent (page 3). Drawing on her rich experience as a mother,
she brings assurance that parenthood pays rich di\idends in spite of occasional trials. Children
may not be
perfect, nor indeed are parents.
Jean Betzner author of Exploring Literature with Children
is
Education at Queen's College, In the chapter Reading Together (page 189), she shows how parents, by reading good books with children, can inspire them with a deep lo\e of good literature that will visiting Professor of
New York
Citv.
always stand
them
William
in
good
stead.
E. Blatz
Professor
in the
chapter Building a Home Library (page important practical helps as to what
195) books to select for faniilv use. As a mother, librarian, and editor of children's books, she knows at offers
children's
first-hand
reactions
to
different
stories
and poems. Bequest of \X'ings, her own sensitive book about reading with children, is a fa\orite with parents, teachers, and librarians.
Psycholog\ and Director of the Studv, Universitv of Toronto, Ontario. Doctor Blatz was appointed bv the Government of Ontario (Canada) to act as advisor for the Dionne quintuplets when the\- were born in 1934. He is the author of The Five Sisters and many other books and articles on family life. In his chapter The Family Council (page 115), he stresses how the famih' is strengthened when paris
Annis Duff
of
Eleanor
P. Eells
Institute of Child
ents
is
Co-Director of Herrick House, Bartlett, 111., where pla\- happih- to-
children with handicaps li\e and
The Handicapped Child and Your Child (page 253), she points out how gether. In the chapter.
\ou can help \our child accept a handicapped pla\niate, and how such experiences can result in benefits to
all
concerned.
and children discuss problems together.
James Lee Ellenwood Richard G.
Brill
Superintendent of the California School for the Deaf at Riverside, is the author of man\ articles about the education of hard-of-hearing children. In his article
ing (page
Who
Are Hard of Hear270), he shows how parents can help
Children
children with defccti\e hearing to lead useful and reasonablv normal, happy Ji\es.
well-known writer and lecturer on familv life, and author of It Runs in the Family, There's No Place Like Home, and Just and Durable Parents. His down-to-earth ad\ice in Family Ups and Downs (page 222) will be a source of inspiration and comfort to countless parents and chiklren in helping them to weather family re\erses.
Marion
L.
Faegre
Elsa Castendyck CO author of Child Care and Training and of man\ other books and pamphlets, former Consultant in Parent Education for the Children's Bureau in the LInited States Department of Health, Education,
and author of several books on behavior problems. She is also co-author with Edith M. Stern of The Handicapped CJnId: a Guide tor Parents. These two authors, in The
a
consultant
in
research,
and Xlll
\\'elfare.
In
the
chapter.
Each Child
Is
Childcraft
XIV
DnFF.RKNT (page 90), she
cnipliasizcs the imrecognizing each child as an indi\ idual portance of in his
own
right.
lie
was responsible in a large measure important conference. He
for the sucis
now Ex-
ecutive \'icc President of the National
Founda-
cess of that
tion for Infantile Paralysis.
Robert G. Foster
Jean Schick Grossman
author of .Marriage and Family ReJations, is Director of Marriage Comiscling Ser\ice at the Menninger I'oundation at Topeka, Kan. In If Three Generations Live Together (page 57), he discusses practical ways of sohing difficulties which sometimes arise when grandparents live with parents and children.
Lawrence
K.
I
James
Frank
educator, author, and authorit\- on family relations, and Man' II. Frank have truly inspiring things to sav about your job as father and mother in P.\r ENTS Are Important (page 10). The author was
formerh- Director of the Caroline Ziichry Institute for Human Relations in New York City, .\mong the honors he has received is the Lasker .\ward in
wrote Life with I'amih and Do You Know Your With wide experience as editor, lecturer, mother, and grandmother, she has warm and deep understanding of familv living. In Gr.\ndp.vREXTS .\XD Other Rel.\ti\es page 491, she brings wise counsel as to how familv life can be kept on a smooth and even keel.
Daughter.'
Mental Health Education.
He and
Marv II. Frank, arc the authors Your Child in School.
of
How
his
wife,
to
Help
Hymes/
L.
Jr.
Professor of Education and Chairman, Childhood
Education, College of Education, Univcrsitv of Marvland, College Park, Md., is one of the most widelv read writers on child guidance. He has a rare al^ilitv to express ideas is
cl'.-arlv
and simph'.
author of Understanding Your Child.
What
chapter,
Need from
Children
He
In his
(page 67), he emphasizes basic principles for
Life rais-
ing happ\' children, and gives you renewed confidence in yourself as a parent.
Irene M. Josselyn
Mary
H. Frank
writes from
first-hand experience, for she has fi\e
stepchildren
Stepparents discusses
in
addition
to
her
own
child.
In
Stepchildren (page 239), she
ani>
difficulties
which
sometimes
arise
be-
tween a stepfather or stepmother and stepchildren,
and how these can be solved happily. She co-author of Parents Are Important.
is
also
is a member of the staff of the Institute for Psychoanahsis in Chicago, and has written for parents and for professional people on the emotional prob-
lems of children who are ill. In Children with Rheum.vmc F"ever (page 284), she indicates howparents can aid a child's reco\er\' b\- emphasizing the things he can safely do and the activities that are permitted him.
Freda
Kehm
S.
Adele Franklin Director of the .\ssociation for Familv Living in Chicago, is in close touch with the e\eryda\' problems of thousands of parents. She brings to her chapter. Things .\ren't the Same (page 45). keen understanding of changing trends in family as
The Happ\ Home and Your Best Friends Are Your Children, is Director of the AllDav Neighborhood Schools of New York City's Board of Education. In her chapter. Losses Through Death (page 207), she tells how we can explain deatli to our children witliout making co-author of
relationships.
Mary
them unduh- anxious.
Fisher Langmuir
ser\ed for tor
CO author with Eduard Lindeman of Buildinc I-'amii-y (page 289). I'his chapter discusses how families de\elop solidarit\ through
is
A
Strong
faith,
affection,
flexibility,
and fun.
Glasser was Executive Director of the
Siclvin
.\.
Mid Centur\
White House Conference on Children and
'^'outh
manv
\ears as
Chairman
of the Depart-
and Direcon F"amily and Communit\- Relations. She knows from close contact with parents, teachers, doctors, and other lav and spiritual leaders, the questions which arc uppermost in their minds on child care and de-
ment
Melvin A. Glasser
of Child
of the
\'assar
\elopinent. In
-41, she
Studv
tells
at Vassar College
Summer
Institute
How Do Children Grow? (page how parents can provide the setting
These Are the Authors children need for all-around
wholesome develop-
X\'
between wife and husband ha\c an important and on the attitudes and lives of their
ment.
lasting bearing
children.
Joan Kalhorn Lasko Elise H.
was formerly Clinical Psychologist at the Children's Mental Health Center, Columbus, Ohio. As one of the \oungcr members of a large family, she is
teacher,
Who
chil-
and Chairman, Division
of four children,
Development
Social
.\re
children.
In
Mentally Retarded
William C. Menninger
Dorothy Lee of
and author on the education of
her chapter. Children (page 281 ), she brings a rare sympathy and a note of positive en couragement to parents in providing for the needs of the mentally retarded child.
Building Frikndlier Feelings (page 141 I. Through her special interest in the relationships of brothers and sisters, she brings
mother
writer,
exceptional
well qualified to write
\ou practical suggestions as to how to help dren get along together.
Martens
School, Detroit, Mich.
the Merrill-Palmer her chapter, Sh.\ring she discusses how chilat
In
THE Work page 1 59 dren can share in the responsibilit\- for some of the household tasks that are a part of the life of e\erv )
(
,
General Secretary of the internationally famous Menninger Foundation. Topeka, Kan., author of Ps\-chiatr\- in a Troubled \X'orJd, and co-author of You and Psychiatry-. In You as a Person (p.ige is
family.
24), he brings you an understanding of the prinmental hygiene as well as suggestions as to how emotional securit\- can be achie\ed.
Eduard C. Lindeman
Edith G. Neisser
as CO author with Mehin .\. Classer of Building A Strong F.\mily (page 289), helped show howfamily unity can be de\ eloped. As Professor of Social Philosophy at the New York School of Social Work, Columbia University, and as author and editor, he gained a wide experience in family relationships and their effect on the community.
Edward
Liss
is
author of BrofJiers and
phlets and articles
on
Sisters,
and grandmother, she brings to her chapter.
numerous pamAs mother
famil\- relations.
practical
experience
Sometimes Rivals, Sometimes
Friends (page 131). Here she shows how- parminimize jealousy and quarreling when
ents can
children ha\e trouble in getting along together.
Ernest G. Osborne
Lecturer in Psychiatry at State Uni\ersit\- College
New
York Citv, and specialist on relationships of children in the same famih'. In the chapter. Some Combin.\tions Are a Special Challenge (page 149), he points out how vou can avoid some of the difficulties which arise when of Medicine,
ciples of
there are twins, wide age differences, or all bo\s in the famih'.
all girls
or
is Professor of Education, Teachers College, Columbia University, N. Y. In the chapter. You Had a Family. Too (page 18), he brings out the fact that feelings which have persisted from \-our own childhood can influence the way \ou act toward your children or marriage partner. Ernest Osborne's leadership in education for famil\ li\ing and his sensiti\-it\- to family relationships give this chapter sound practical meaning.
Berthold Lowenfeld author of
many
articles
and books on the child
who
is blind, is Superintendent of the California School for the Blind. Berkeley, Calif. In Children C.\xxot See page 26he brings helpful
Who
1
(
,
suggestions to those parents whose children ha\c defecti\c \ision or no sight at all.
David
R.
Mace
author of Marriage Crisis, A/arriage Counseling, and .Marriage: the Art of Lasting Lnve is Professor of
N.
Human }.
Wives
Relations at
Drew
University, Madison,
P.\RENTS Are also Husbands .\nd (page 32), he shows how- the relationships
In
Helen W. Puner author of Daddies; What They Do All Da\ and many other books and articles. In her chapter, Family \'acations (page 1-51, she outlines prac tical ways to plan and manage famih- vacations so that they will provide satisfaction for every member of the family. is
,
of
Marjorie K. Reynolds is one of those gifted mothers who manages to give her family affectionate care and companionship, and still finds time to write articles on various
phases of family
life.
In her chapter.
The
F.\mily
Childcraft
X\l
Keeps Records (page 182
l,
she demonstrates
how
Edith M. Stern
family records can be kept so that they will bring lasting satisfactions.
Helen Ross member
of the
Board of Directors of the Institute
for Psvchoanalvsis, Chicago.
111.,
is
the author of
Fears of Children. In her chapter, P.\rents
M.WY
Play
), she explains how the roles of the father and mother change as children change
CO author of 7 he Handicapped Child: A Guide for Parents and other books on mental h\giene, has collaborated with Elsa Castendyck in WTiting The H.\ndic-\pped Child in the F.^mily (page 258). These two authors tell what handicapped children need from their parents to grow up with courage ind confidence.
P.\RTS (page 82
ana grow. Teachers, parents, and professional people who work with children draw renewed confidence from the gentle wisdom, constructi\e counsel, and reassurance of her teaching and writ-
Lois is
Meek
Professor
Stolz of
Psychology,
Stanford
Uni\ersitv,
ing.
and author of Your Child's Development and Guidance. In her chapter, F.vmilies Sh.\pe Personality page 99 she brings you things she
May
has learned as the result of a lifetime of research in the field of child development and familv re-
Calif.,
)
(
Reynolds Sherwin
,
lationships.
author of Children from Seed to Sapling and of
numerous magazine articles, brings a rich combina tion of study and experience to The Adopted Child (page 231 ), for she and her husband adopted and brought up four children. She is familiar with the problems, the rewards, and the am.using and touching moments that fall to the adopting parents.
lot of
John is
W. Tenny
Professor,
Special
Children,
Wayne
Children
Who
Education
Universit}-,
of
Exceptional
Detroit,
Mich. In
Are Epileptic
(page 2-8), his understanding of and experience with children who have this handicap bring hope and strength to their parents.
Jayne Shover Associate Director of the National Society for Crippled Children and Adults, and is intimately familiar with the newest de\elopments in treating, rehabilitating, and educating crippled children. In Childre.v Are Crippled (page 273), she brings you her special awareness of the hopes and is
Who
fears of crippled children
and
their parents.
Ruth Wendell Washburn in child development, is author of Children Have Their Reasons and Children Know Their Friends. In her chapter Discipline for Self-Reliance (page 107), her sympathetic understanding is helpful in showing how parents can
consultant
arrange dailv routines so that children learn acceptable wavs of beha\ing and of achieving inde-
Mildred Shriner
pendence.
with \ears of experience as classroom teacher of cerebral-palsied children, has worked closeh with doctors, teachers, and therapists. She was formerlv consultant for the National Societv for Crippled Children and .\dults. In Children H.we Cerebr.\l P.\lsy (page 275), she passes on her thorough knowledge of how children suffering from this handicap can lead a better life.
Who
is Head of the Department of Child Development and Family Relations at the University of Rhode
Island.
W ith
his
wife,
Wise Parent and
housewife and author of the popular book, Room One More, is an ad\ocate of generosity and
for
good common sense. In her chapter. Family Celebr.\tions (page 167), she stresses how famil\- ties can be strengthened by making the most of holidavs, birthdavs, and those unlabeled traditions treasured in closely-knit families.
Russell C. Smart
It's a
Anna Rose Wright
Mollie, he has written Living and Learning with
Children. In the chapter. The F.xther i.n the F.\MiLY (page 121), he, himself a father, brings you practical suggestions as to how fathers can help their children.
Harvey Zorbaugh is Chairman, Department of Educational Sociology and .\nthropolog\-. New York University. In his
Gifted Children (page 247), he brings you suggestions for letting the talented child use his gifts fullv and satisfactorily at home and at school, without becoming set apart from other children.
chapter.
UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF
n
1.
JOYS AND DISAPPOINTMENTS OF BEING A PARENT
2.
PARENTS ARE IMPORTANT
3.
YOU HAD A
4.
YOU AS A PERSON
5.
PARENTS ARE ALSO HUSBANDS AND WIVES
FAMILY.
Many
TOO
of our feelings about our children, our
our doubts and worries, ha\"e their roots in our feelings about oursehes, about our o\\ parents, about our husbands, and about our wives. Joys as well as
In order to give our children the affection, the
understanding, and the guidance the\" need from
we need to understand ourselves, and our relationship to those closest to us. us as parents,
On
such understandings are good, strong, satisfving families built. Such understandings can prevent many difficulties in family life and thev can
make
it
easier to
are unavoidable.
work through those
difficulties that
JOYS
AND DISAPPOINTMENTS
OF BEING A PARENT KATHERINE CLIFFORD,
M.A.
Mother and Author, Upper Montclair, N.
J.
derstanding our children and guiding them toward happy, effective adulthood.
Why Do We Want
Children?
Most people know with
Some days, they
act like angels
.
.
a certainty.
other days, like
.
little
demons.
YOUR children perfect? Ours are ARE not. Tliev are nice, normal chili
dren. \\onderful.
Sometimes we think they
Then
there are days
are
when
e\ervthing goes wrong and \\c think \\c
must be the world's \\orst failures as parents. That is \^•hen we stop and remember that satisfactions and heartaches are both a part of parenthood.
The
pride you feel the da\" \our
year-old marches off to
first
six-
grade has in
born more of feeling than of logic, that marriage would not be complete without the kind of satisfaction children bring. Children are the fulfillment of
more than a twinge of regret. You know the bloom of his babv charm will
lo\e bet\\"een a
soon be rubbed off, and, besides, \ou \\ill miss ha\"ing him around the house. Confusing, contradictory feelings, existing almost at the same instant, are really the cm- of our emotional life.
grown up
it
If'
we
unil'tstand ourselves, and the
causes of our joys and disappointments, .r.'e
wi^l
do better
in the great task of un-
husband and
of the characteristics of a person in feeling
in fact the desire, to bilit\-
of caring for
is
One who is
wife.
the willingness,
assume the responsiand giN'ing to chil-
dren. Perhaps one of the deepest reasons
having children is that our world \alucs good, sound, e\"er\"da\" families. Could it also be that we want children because we are sure families arc fun? for
"How
superior he
is
to
all
the other chil-
You watch him in a school and you get a lump in your throat.
dren there." play,
He
awkward, so inept, so intent, and so sincere and he is vours! When he comes home, a mixture of braggadocio and sheepishness, \ou tell him o\"er and o\er again how wonderful he was, and \ou mean e\er}- word of it. It is fun to watch familv traits cropping out, e\en though the traits themis
so
—
selves are not inherited. It
makes you
so
is
not
love that
proud of haxing your
dren imitate vou, e\en tion
is
when
chil-
the imita-
flattering.
When Each Has
a Place
It is satisfying
to see a youngster take
his place in the familv, especialh
are other children.
if
there
You wonder how
the
same parents could have offspring so different in ever\" wav. Each is unique in appearance, temperament, personality and outlook. You prize each one of them just because he is vours. You take each one as he is, enjoving him for his own
Keystone
When you
see your child take his place with his friends, you know you are doing well as a parent.
self.
In the whole of childhood, each da\
Families arc
most
lasting
fun.
Families
and rewarding kind
arc
the
of fun.
There Are Deep Satisfactions
From
the dav that vour baby
^ou have
You
is
born,
the thrill of pride in creation.
new
and think, "If it weren't for us, this child wouldn't be here." Even if yours is an adopted child, \ on make it o\er into something that is uniquely your own. You find vour heart swelling with pride, and a wave of affection sweeping o\er \ou, when you single out one small figure in a milling group of youngsters look at this
life
and think, "That's my own Being human, you probably
little
boy."
also think,
seems so long in the living, and so short when you tr\' to recall it. You do not want to feel, too late, that \ ou ha\e not savored to the full each phase of vour child's de\elopment. Your feeling is not "I hate to see this child grow up," but "I know that each step on the wav up is too precious to lose."
You cannot pleasures that
come
pected moments.
down under
some of the the most unex-
afford to miss
the
A
at
little
co\crs,
bov snuggles after
sa\ing
goodnight, then jumps up again to gi\e \ou one last hug. "I'm the best hugger
he .says, "and all my hugs have Mommy and Daddy written on them."
in the business,"
Joys and Disappointments of Being a Parent
When You Share Experience While vour children are small, your best moments are apt to arise out of experiences shared with them. You cannot depend on time left o\"er from your work or \oiu own amusement to be with them. You do better to plan times to do things with them.
Sometimes \ou max
do
5
expensi\e things, such as going
big,
on a sightseeing trip. More often \ ou can do little things, such to the circus, or
walk in the park or a picnic in the countr}-. Wliether you take them to bigas a
league ball games or plav catch in the
back vard, take them to concerts or sing nonsense songs with them, it is the "togetherness" that counts.
DOING THINGS TOGETHER
FUN
IS
New
go to school.
children thrill of
\elop.
minds grow and dc\ ou can talk to them about
seeing their
Now
may
be a
trip to
the
circus
.
.
You
when the\" report progress, and, from \"Our own past experiences, s\mpathize when the\find it hard going. You are happv to sec them make new friends and dc\clop newthings that interest vou.
It
when vour You ha\"e the
crop up
pleasures
exult
Perhaps \ou are a bit sad, too, because here is a new step toward independence. Of course vou want them to be independent, but vou miss the old dependence. Tlie time when Momm\ and Daddy were their whole world, when all the\" needed or wanted was you, had a joy all its own. interests.
.
Responsibilities
Can Be Heavy
\ou look back on these early days fondh But when \ou li\e around the clock with small children, you sometimes get bogged down in the Years
later,
.
day's routine.
One
of the biggest changes a child
young couple is that they can no longer come and go as thev please. From the minute the bab\- comes home from the hospital until the da\- the brings to a
or reading
a story
at
bedtime.
youngest child starts school. Mother is on call twenty-four hours a daw She cannot e\en run around the corner for a loaf of bread unless she arranges for someone to stay with the babw
The knowledge
that
this
period
is
comparati\ely short-li\ed helps tide vou
Childcraft be main" ^"ears when vou can come and go without a thought. 'llien \ou may wish you could hear a small voice calling \ou again. You cannot escape the restrictions that conic with children, but you can make up ^ our over
it.
There
will
take a strong back and
kinds of pa-
all
tience.
Patience is the quality parents need most. There arc times when it is the
The mother
quality hardest to muster. or father
who
can
"Yes, honey, what
still
say checrfulh,
it?"
is
the sixteenth
time a two-year-old comes in cr\ ing, deserves a citation for "\alor abo\e and be-
yond the You Do
call of
duty."
Better than
You Think
As children grow
older, tests of ^•our
physical endurance decrease, but there
may be some mental
anguish. Tlie chil-
dren have more chances to get in trouble. More personalitv problems mav bewilder vou. Because the\' are older \ou
expect more of them, vet their ideas do not coincide with yours an\ more than they did
earlier.
There
old clash of wills.
e\"en
irritated,
Kwing
There
work
Gallonray
be days of worry when the heavy, or your child is sick or
will is
gets into mischief.
mind
to \aluc the rewarding
moments.
Lixing with small children is physicallv exhausting. The lack of sleep, the noise, the dirt, the bickering, the e\erprescnt laundry, the toys strewn oxer the house and the sidewalk are at times
cessant
and
in-
demands on time and energy
when \ou
sister
is
arc the
and annoyed, you
the same da\s, life
a struggle.
most still
tired,
would
not trade your life for anvone's, or \ our children for anv others. You nvi\ get too conscious of vour responsibilities. You ha\"e heard that a child's first \ears determine the whole course of his life. As a result vou mav be "scared to death" that you will do something that w ill ruin him forever. Relax. All parents go through this. It is one of the occupational hazards of parenthood. Don't magnify your responsibilities. If you arc honest, loving parents, trying to do a good job with ^our children and eiijo\ing
them most
of the
time, the chances are they will grow just
discouraging, llic constant efforts to get children to do things the\- do not want to do, the continual questions
still
On man\
with Junior and his
But
is
about the wax
\"ou
hope thev
up
will.
Overcoming Disappointments It
would not be
fair,
to the children, for
either to
^ou or
vou to make them
Joys and Disappointments of Being a Parent our whole life. You might turn into one of those o\erde\oted, possessive parents. Fathers usually escape this fate, because \
occupy part of attention and energies. It is moth-
too
much
ment
of
ral for a
— to
some
of our dreams. It
father
who
hope
their business interests
jo\s to
their
his footsteps.
who
ers
own
are likely to sacrifice their
the children's to an un-
for
interests
wholesome friends vour
own
fun on \our
own
age. It
is
lc\el,
good
with
for vou,
oecasionallw to be one in a group.
A
\ou
for the da\'
when the children no longer need vou. Even when you cannot leave home physnothing to prevent your mind from roaming through the farthest reaches of books, music, and the world around \ou. You will be a better person, there
is
a better parent,
if
^"0u take a little
time to refresh \ourself ph\sicalh', mentallv,
ers
Moth-
emotionally, and spirituallv.
and
reach their goal for them. Tliere
fathers need,
and
arc entitled to,
time for each other. Don't Expect Children to
dream
all
dren
Your Dreams
Fulfill
parents ha\e the
same kind
for the children's futures,
we
instance,
hcther
est boy,
who do
cannot
anv other trade or calling. That is fine. But his interests might lie along completeh' different lines, even though he admires his father greatly. It is not fair to mold him into a dissatisfied copy of his father just because he has not the courage to dis-
debate
quite
would be proper
it
who
imagine
but
of all
serioush-
for our old-
plans to be President
some
following
appoint his parents. If parents' hopes for the future are firmly set in
one direction, the parents
when
ma\' be heartbroken strikes off
the \isions are rosv. In our house, for
\\
no
harm in hoping or w anting, but the danger comes when pressure is put on chil-
is
Not
is
lo\e of his father's profession that he
interests help to prepare
and
fallen short of realizing
These
terests outside the famil\- circle.
icalh',
who have their own am-
parents
may make a mother a queenh-. You need to ha\e in-
parent figure
shade too
for
natu-
doing work he enson will follow in
is
that his
natural
is
not want to, or cannot, fulfill their parents' hopes. A boy may be so caught up with the
being the central, direct-
stead\- diet of
ing,
is
fulfill-
bitions to be eager for their children to
extent.
You need
It
bring about the
on pursuits
of his
a ^•oungstcr
own. But
far better for the children to
own
it
go their
Eventually parents become reconciled. The best way to a\oid this kind of heartache is not to set ^•our heart on your children becoming an\thing but nice, normal, happv adults. Then vou way.
be able to accept the choices the} make and the wa}- they run their li\es. will
day, to appoint as Chief of Staff his
brother,
who
has his heart set on being
a General.
That
is
the kind of dream that
is
fun
How Can You Take Their Troubles? Parents may want to save their dren from
all
chil-
heartaches, however slight.
We
with \our children, because \ ou do not ha\e to belie\e in it, and there is not much danger that \"0u will use undue and constant pressure to make it
cannot be done. do not expect our childreji to be perfecth" health\,
come
happ\, with ne\'er a cloud in the skv? They will ha\e to learn to take disap-
to share
We
true.
exert
more pressure
— sometimes
It
with ncner so much as a sniffle. \\'h\ should we expect them to be perfecth
Childcr.\ft
8
pointments
in their stride,
become truh grown
if
the\" are to
up.
You know how you tend to suffer more for vour child than he docs for liimself. If Doris comes home complcteh- downcast because three other fourth-graders ha\e formed a club and excluded her, you feel a surge of anger against those spoiled little snobs who do not appreciate Doris. You would like to tell their mothers a few things! The next day, while you are still composing a fine speech to make to the first one of these mothers vou chance to meet, Doris dances into the house beaming, because now she is in the club. You saw the situation with adult e\cs and read more into it than \ our nine-vear-old did. You will ha\e the same reaction to things that happen in school. You have to be on guard lest you magnify e\er\' fancied slight into evidence that friends are false or teachers unfair.
Your
child needs to ha\e ^'ou believe
him.
He
Then
there are the bigger troubles,
the\-
do something
like
when
destro\ing a
You worr\ about w hat you mav ha\e done to make them beha\c that way. This is the time \ou need faith. You need faith in the basic soundness of \our wav of raising chil-
neighbor's property.
dren.
You need
faith in
discoxer, perhaps
what the cause
your
abilitv to
w ith professional
help,
of the trouble ma\' be.
Are Your Standards Too High?
Most
children go through stages
hard e\en to
when
w ith their disagreeable beha\ior. 1 he\ w ill answer \"0u in a nast\" tone. llie\- will be sulk\-, stubborn, aggrieved, or remote and unapit is
li\e
They will just slide b\ in school when you know thev could do much better if they would only trv. Thev proachable.
w ill be lazv and unco-operative, demanding and ungrateful. The knowledge that other people's
needs your confidence in his ability to sohe his own problems, but vou cannot continuallv do his thinking for him. If he needs help and asks for it, in
you are there to gi\e it. If he is learning to stand on his own feet, he mav not want help. You Need
There
Faith
few things
are
in life that ap-
proach the tension of parents hanging o\er a sick child's bed, fearful that each minute may bring a turn for the worst. I hat is when you need faith and hope. Fortunatelv such moments do not happen often, for thev are among the hardest that any parent has to face. You ma\- go through agonies of doubt
when
\"0ur
children
get
into
trouble.
rhe\' can run into small troubles,
as the cla.shes
\\ itli
Ciendrrau
such
the teacher at school.
Sulkiness
is
a part
of
growing up.
Joys and Disappointments of Being a Parent
same things will help rongh spots. Books about \ou o\er manv child de\elopment \\ill tell }0u what to expect of children at different ages. Taking part in study groups and ParentTeacher Association discussions \\i\\ con\ince ^"0u that all children go through some difhcult and unhappy stages. Reading and discussion can give 30U an idea of \\hat may be expected in the course of normal de\'elopment, and of what may be a danger signal. Manv of us set our standards too high. feel guilty cxcy)' time we fall short of our picture of the Ideal Parent. But c\en the experts do not expect us to li\e children do the
We up
to all their suggestions all the time.
Tliey assume will
not uorr\-
we if
do our best and our best is far from perwill
fection.
One
vou can do for your children is to enjoy them. Don't let other things crowd out your fun with your children. Don't let them suffer because vou are too busy keeping house, or keeping up with the Joneses. Save your energy for the things that of the finest things
really matter.
dren. She does not take the things they say too seriously.
When You Are W^e
sense of humor.
who once
knew
shrilled at her
mean. You're old
We
is
a
a little girl
mother "You're
mean Her mother could
just like Cinderella's
stepmother."
have been angr\' because her daughter was behaving badly. Instead, she
Many
parents are afraid to consult people trained to give them just the kind of
help they need, because the\^ feel it is an admission of failure. Going to a child-
guidance clinic or to a psychologist or psychiatrist does not mean }ou ha\e a serious problem, but rather that vou want to keep a problem from becoming serious. Seeking help does not mean \ou are less effective as a parent than \our
grandmother was. After
"Oh,
I
don't know," she said, "I
al-
ways thought I was more like her fairy godmother." The little girl laughed, too,
and the uhole thing blew over in an exchange of hugs and kisses. Tliat is the kind of mother who will enjoy her chil-
all,
she ne\er
took penicillin when she \\'as sick. The\did not ha\e that in her da}', either. The chapter Faaiily Guidance Services, in Volume 15, will suggest where to look for help if you need it.
Nobody can the time, and
feel lo\e for
nobody needs
anyone
all
do so. You enjoy your children most if you learn to prize ever\- satisfaction and minto
tr^'
to
disappointments. When things go wrong, you can take an "into each life some rain must fall" attitude. the
Do what you
can to improve matters, b\' means, but don't expect the impossible of yourself, of your husband, of your wife, or of your children. Part of being grown up is taking things as they all
are.
Of
laughed.
up against
occasionally run
problems too big to be dismissed lightly. Then is the time to look around for advice from someone qualified to gi\'e it.
imize
A Sense of Humor Saves the Day One of your most valuable assets
all
Puzzled
course you want your children to
be a credit to you and an asset to their eommunit}-. But remember that the measure of your happiness and effectiveness as a parent is not how high your children climb, but how much fun you had with them along the way.
PARENTS ARE
IMPORTANT LAW RENCE
K.
FRANK,
Formerlv Director, Caroline Zachn Nc« York, N. Y.
B.A. Institute,
and
MARY Co-author
"How
H.
to
FRANK,
LAphaoi
B.S.
Help Your Child
in
School"
necessit)
of preserxing for families the
parenthood. The wisdom of parents, their confidence in them-
good things
E\ERYTHixG beings,
good in human the art and poetn", the
that
all
in
sehes, in their
is
li\es,
and
in the future
deser\e careful cultivation.
song and music, the generosity, the
Hidden Values
gladness, the kindness, the love of peo-
might call these good things the "hidden \alues" in familv life. Doctors and those who study human behavior have made the discover\ that babies need a mother's close lo\e to be healthy and happv. Clear proof is now at hand
for
creating
human
familv
life.
group of people who live together more closely and for a longer span of time than anv other group. In anv such intimate group vou
The
mav
familv
is
a
that babies in institutions, with the best
most of the problems of humanit\". But vou will also find find in miniature
of scientific care, feeding,
are
the strength of humanity. World War II. with its direct effect
on
the lives of parents
and
jostled us into a realization of
still
babies
who
are cared for at
But, surprisinglv,
know how
how
mother and
pre-
and cleaning,
not as happv and as energetic as
children,
cious parents are to their children.
Parenthood
We
one another, is nurtured bv fathers and mothers living together and
ple
in
home.
manv persons do not
greatly e\er\-
her love.
baby needs
well as her feeding, clothing, bathing,
It
brought us to the full awareness that although what parents do for children
and other ph\ sical care help him
mav seem
How Can
like
its
Her cuddling as
simple tasks, yet no other
thri\ e.
Love Give Protection?
As babies grow into voung childhood,
persons can be immediate substitutes for parents. The war also brought home the
the "hidden values" of a parent's lo\ e
lO
—
Mother's arms provide the comfort, love,
and warmth
every child needs.
Korth
such \alues as warmth and encouragement help the httle child grow. He needs these if he is to be happ\' and hcalthv, to enjo\' pla\"ing with other children, and to be fricndh". Those hidden children to meet the \alues help that
been kept in a safe place, but separated from their parents. Also, over and over again, in studying
is,
—
disturbed
children,
ps\chiatrists
find
frightening times,
time of some hurtful or frightening e\'ent, the child has not had the "shock-absorber" he needed. Tlie
the unhapp\' times, the difficult lessons
lo\e and reassurance of a parent, the hid-
up become less disturbing when parental lo\"e and encouragement
den \alucs, might ha\e told him that things w^ere all right and helped to tide
"bumps"
in life.
The
that, just at the
of growing
act as shock-absorbers for a child.
help him meet
life's
Thev
him over his difficulties. In modern times we ha\c thus
upsets without per-
manent damage. His courage,
disco\"-
cred an old truth in a roundabout
his friend-
waw
far less
Parents and parents' love are important.
dampened if a youngster knows Mother and Father will stand by him, come \\hat mav. To prove that this is so, once again we
Without them children are unhappy or disturbed as they grow into adulthood.
liness, his
likely
happiness in living are
to be
Your Importance Increases
As
ha\e to find out \\hat happens to children who do not have their parents, or
During World War II, Dr. Anna Freud and Dorothv Burlingham worked in England with little children \\ho had li\ed through bombing experiences. The
who
grow out
of early
childhood and begin to "talk back" to \ou, or to fuss about famih' rules, \ou
their parents' lo\e, in frightening times.
children
\"Our children
might assume that this means "My child is beginning to dislike mc.^' There arc times when \ou wonder, "Ha\e mv children outgrown the need for m\" lo\e? All they seem to need is a little discipline now." But no matter what happens, no matter ^^•ho }0u are or what you
stayed with their parents
during the bombing were much less upset and anxious than children \\ho had 11
Childcraft
12 do, \oii, the parents, are the
most im-
portant persons in the world to \our children.
You Teach Through What You Are
As vour child grows he depends more and more on his parents, and on his home and his family for e\er}thing that he will take to his own future as a man or a
woman. W'avs
of talking to others
wavs of working in the familv, ways of ha\ing fun and sharing things are all learned from what Mother and Father sav and do. Most especially a close to him,
wav
of giving to other
human
beings,
giving \\ithout gcttmg a receipt for is
gi\en,
what
or without asking for some-
absorbed from the behavior of Mother and Father and the atthing in return,
is
mosphere of home. 1 his learning, again, is what we like to call a "hidden value" in parenthood and /amilv life. Parents are so important that thev are the cornerstones of democracy, or of an\- societx By what they do to each other and to tJieir children, they .
build the nation. Parents do
much
of
silently,
ities!
Hidden Values Are the Roots
These are the "good" things. These hidden \alues of parenthood live with children, like the roots of a plant, as
long
as the children live.
family
gi\e
their
Parents in each
children
something
make them different persons, interesting persons. Without knowing special, to
vour children, and their children, and their children's children will continue to do many things in the same ways their parents did, because it has become part of them. Both parents are important. Not just a mother, not just a father, but a mother and a father working and li\ing together, sohing problems together, laughing, quarreling, ironing out difficulties, show it,
a child
how
When Shune Snow
without
"preaching at" their children or knowing what thev are gi\ing. Many a mother or father admires his sons and daughters and their good qualities without realizing what he or she has done to help produce those qualthis
a
to live.
baby smiles and reaches out
hands to his father or to his mother, \"0u have a deep something in him that grows as he grows. You ha\e that pe-
his
culiar, indescribable quality of \\anting
wanting to explore. You see the desire to be close to
be
to
Mother
ali\e,
wanting to
or Father,
learn,
who
gi\es the im-
portant lo\c.
Why Now,
as
"Disturbed" Children?
\ou begin to sec what
a par-
ent can give a child and, incidentalh.
The courage to learn and to explore grows from trust and confidence.
Ah
Parents Are Important what parents can gi\c the
\Aorld,
it is
dif-
understand the other side of the picture. W'hv are there so man\- unhappy ficult to
children and adults?
Some
children can-
not learn or w ork with others because of deep hurts that are still bothering them. If onlv a parent's love can start the gro^^"th of those priceless, rich human qualities,
count \\hen these incidents occur. WTiat the persons who are important to him do or sa\" in such cases is more crucial than the e\ent itself. Parents are often unaware that the\" can help, with reassurance and lo\e for their child.
How Can
A
many problem
then, in the
13
Reassurance Give Strength? child does not realize fulh
little
happen as the\- do. He is confused when he is hurt, when people
why
vou read about, there must have been something missing in the familv. W'liat \\as wrong with the parents and
lea\e, get sick, or die.
their love?
dinary e\ents seem like the end of the
cases
Tliere are never anv clear-cut answers to questions such as these.
We must hes-
one instance \\ithgreat deal of study and research.
itate to explain an\'
out a
can make some general obser\-ations about those disturbed children.
But
\\c
Not the Event, but How You Handle Counts
If a
It,
happened to new babv has
Mother's and Father's attention, there mav be upset and unhappiness. A child max ha\e had a frightening experience. A father or mother mav ha\e gone away for a\\hile, and not left a \oving person to care for the child. Perhaps taken
world
— or
To
him,
end of
many
or-
world and his happiness. He needs to be reassured again and again bv his mother or father, or others close to him. This at least the
his
steady reassurance, or trust and protection of his parents, gi\'es
him
strength.
The hidden
In most cases something
hurt a child deeplv.
things
all
\alues parents offer children help them meet the hurts of ever}-dav life in our world.
Hurtful experiences ma^• be harmful \\hcn a child has the feeling that his parents or their lo\"e
been taken
Take
awa\".
a jealous child ^^•ho feels that his
parents' lo\e has else
—
and reassurance ha\e
been given
to a ncu", tin\-
babw
to
someone
for example.
The
jealous child
be hurtful to children. Experiences that might be hurtful,
may
cry, refuse to sleep, to plav, or to
whether big or little, take place in evenfamih- and happen to almost ever\' child.
lo\e, for
a parent died or \\as divorced
and
left
the home. Also, scores of events that
do not consider out of the ordinar\-
They
are a part of
doll smashes, a
dog
life.
A
we mav
not happv, and so for awhile he may be what his parents call "nasty." He may hurt the baby, his mother, his grandmother, or himself. He pick up his toys. \\
ithout
is
He it,
wants his mother's he feels that life will
be bleak and miserable.
toy breaks, a
dies. Tliere
is
an au-
tomobile accident, or the child is ill for a long time, or he has an operation. Most
Can Cause Misbehavior Continued jealousy is one of the
Fears
periences that ma\- hurt a child deeplv
children are able to take the majoritv of these experiences in their stride. \Vhv
a
then do they lea\e scars on some? It is the people around a child
he may get that no one
who
ex-
if
no one helps him feel better. If he has deep fright and no one comforts him. a feeling of panic, a feeling will protect
him.
When wrong
things go the time
is
your youngster needs to be reassured again and again.
Tana
For most children ations there
is
tremely
in frightening situ-
usually
someone
at
hand
smooth feelings; or a child may ha\e had enough pre\ious reassurance to draw on in a bad moment. It is the
he was and he was frightened by the
ill.
irritable,
He
Hobao
cried at night,
who came
him the
to help
doctor
persistent pattern, the accumulation of
warps the growing child or damages his
medicine he needed. The baby cried at night for a long time, e\en when there \\as no more pain or fever. He continued to be irritable, too. He shied away from strangers, and
confidence.
ate onlv a
these disturbing experiences, that often
The
In a well-meant l^ut misguided effort
"toughen" a
to
think
it
is
child,
sometimes adults
better to ignore his fears.
a parent
A
not realize that a di\'orce, or death, hurts the child. The mother or father may go awav for a long time without lca\'ing the child in a happv state with a person who loves him. Child "Unlovable"?
A parent may
misunderstand a child's behaxior and punish him for showing fright or unhappiness, instead of reassuring him. Frequent harsh punishments
and mixed up. babv bov nine months old was
lea\c a child tense
A
baby's mother was told hv her
was "spoiled," but actually the baby was cross and fearful because of what he had gone through. A sexere illness, with a hurtful cough, pains, doctors, and medicines, would make even a pupp\" mixedup and "nasty." But the baby's mother liked to do what was right. She was tired. Maybe the baby was spoiled, she felt! She started a program of letting him cry himself to sleep, and of spanking him, so he would "get over" his fussiness. To most babies, under ordinan- circumstances, a crying spell or a spanking might do no harm. But this baby had been frightened badlv before. He became tense and un-
may
What Makes a
little.
mother-in-law
parent ma}- neglect to reassure a child to help him feel better before an operation.
Or
often to give
ex-
14
that
the
child
Hibb3
When liappv,
Mother's patience has worn
and everybodv
called
him "un-
lovable."
E\en older children can be hurt unintentionalh'
Gradualh"
b\-
such
a
the\" reallv
train
seem
of e\ents,
like
"mean"
children, \\hcn perhaps the trouble
is
problem or a past experience bothering them. Certainly parents
thin.
Father can take over.
help reassure the child afterward, many troubles mav be a\oided. When they see
he
is
frightened, thev
him
or force
do not shame him,
reassurance and quiet
he needs
it.
him consolation when
to be bra\e. The\- gi\e
Gradually, he loses the deep
that an old
fright.
is still
Probabh" most parents are equipped with good solid common sense. Each day just b}- being there the\" help a child see that he can go on li\'ing, pla\ing, and working. Life then is not just full of fears or hurts, but is also exciting and re-
do not mean to hurt their children, but sometimes, even with good intentions, parents fail to understand the reasons for bcha\ior, and, because of this, thc\"
get off on the
wrong
track.
Preventing In
most
families,
warding.
Damage fortunateh",
the
"bad" experiences do not turn into deep problems. Wliat happens to keep the children in good mental health? Probabh' both parents take a hand in giN'ing the child lo\e and attention. If Mother is tired or crank\ Father slips in a little extra kindness and love. At the time of frightening events, parents mav not alwa\s be near h\. If the\ ,
Two Heads Arc
Two
One with two personalities
Better than
parents,
and two points of \iew, often save the day for the famih and prevent a problem for the child. A little girl may seem fussy to her mother, but her father's "attention" sweetens her up in no time! It is so often the second parent who can do the trick. The one who comes to the ,
situation "fresh,"
who
is
not
all
upset at
Childcr-\ft the time, or
all
tired out
from
a dav's
won-
care of the children, has, often, a derful, healing qualit\".
Here we
see
why
fathers are so important for children.
each others' problems. Tliey want to find \\a\s of solving
mon
w
ith
problems
comThey want to
other parents.
feel that there
is
wav
a
in
of talking to chil-
In most families, humor, happ\' ex-
dren, helping children, disciplining chil-
and talking things
dren, and talking about children that
out together also help dissohe a child's
they can share with other mothers and
glumness or miser\ Of course, if there is an especiallv severe problem for the child to deal with, such as death or di\orce, it is more difEcult to keep a \oungster on an even keel. Tlie section on Family Crises in this volume dis-
fathers.
'AMien I do this, I am helping mvself and my child to li\e more happilv and more humanh' w ith other people." The chapter Home and School Are
cusses these situations in detail.
gestions for wavs parents
periences, interests,
.
Today's Parents
are the\-
new
in families;
for children.
\Miy
then, that today's parents seek so
A Team,
want
parents
in \^oluine
to
has \aluable sug-
1 5,
and schools
nor
is
it,
much
than
often
youngsters
the
in
ten than other groups
)
tures, pamphlets? Are there more problems for families toda\? Are there more
help in their
reasons for children to have problems? llie changes that have come about in
schools and
two or three genera-
tions have tended to nities
less
make our commu-
A
unified.
familv todav
is
other
li\"ing,
securitx'
understanding
people,
of-
for aJJ the e\ils
advice about child care from books, lec-
own
their
blamed (more
charge! Also, the\" are
in the world. \Iost often, parents
families in the last
feel:
can work together. Unfortunateh", toda\parents (and teachers) get scolded more
Want Help
Problems are not new
Most
communitv
need with
from
leaders. In or-
der to help their children, and in order
need to know thev are doing a great and difficult job. Often parents find the help the\" need in a to
do
it
w ell,
the\'
and more isolated from both its neighbors and its relatives, than it would have been fiftv or se\entv-fi\e vears ago. You can read more about these changes and how thev affect families in the chapters Things Aren't the Same, in this \olume, and Our Changing World Your Neighbors Dictators, and Troublemakers, or Friends, in \^ol-
child-guidance center or familv-counsel-
ume
they are perfect, but because they are
smaller,
ing service, but emotional tangles are
more stages.
fied counselors
Can Be
Parents arc not
Useful
less intelligent
though they may be more lonely, more isolated, and more in need of svmdavs,
pathetic advice.
Many
parents seek help
touch with one another. They find reassurance in hearing
through getting
in
how
quali-
can help vou. Perfect
Parents are important, not because
takes,
nowa-
tells
1 5,
You Need Not Be
human. Exchanging Ideas
The
Services, in \'olume
—
15.
unra\eled in their earhchapter Family Guidance
readily
making misquarreling and
In talking together,
making
making up,
plans,
in all the daih' experiences,
parents gi\e children a pattern of living
hopeful and ongoing. Children learn to li\e and to be happv from watching the adults closest to them. But, for generations, parents have that
is
Parents Are Important felt
that they should
know
the an-
all
and not make mistakes. Of course there is no human being who could live up to these specifications. Yet parents have tried, with their children, to appear absolutelv sure of themsehes. In most eases children can feel it
swers,
when
parents are "pretending." But, in
man\' cases, children are frightened and be\\ildered by such extreme sternness, especially
if
it
never turns to softness,
laughter, or kindness.
How
Are the
Human
Values Handed On?
Children learn to be human from watching human beings li\"C. Thcv learn not onh- how to be "mad," but also how to be "glad." Tliev learn from their own experiences how to li\e uith people in a famih" vear after vear, gi\"ing others,
too, a
chance to speak, to
ha^•e their
own
act,
and to
Children learn to enjo\- li\ing from the adults closest to them. They learn to be curious, to be alive, to ha\e new
li\ing in their families with
their parents.
They
learn that
no one
but that e\eryone learns by working and li\ing each day. The\- learn to respect and to like authoritv, when they have found that their person
is
perfect,
closest authorities
—usualh"
tn-
— that
to help
their parents
is,
them,
listen
to
them, and offer fair rules. Children also learn the necessitv for some \\ise authorit\' who does not control with an iron hand but who helps them look at all sides of a problem. Probablv most important, in such families
more and more to use own judgment and to use it wiseh
children learn their
and with con\iction. Parents are important to their chil-
dren because in c\er\thing thcv do, no matter how simple, thc\' are sho\\ing youngsters what it is to love, to grow,
and
interests.
bv
societ\-
17
to give to others.
A Good
Parent
not strange that curious, li\elv, intelligent minds are often found in happv
Can Give Faith in Life Children need to meet problems, to make mistakes as they grow. The\- need to know that problems can be "licked." They need to see how adults tackle problems. They need to find that the best fun in life comes if one belie\es in other
children.
people.
The
Children learn to meet their own problems from ^^•atching adults meet theirs. It does not matter that the problems of each are different. \Mien the adults around continually try to do the wisest thing by talking things out, asking the opinions of others in the familv,
from the feeling that one can "put his thinking-cap on." Children can get the feeling, too, that, if one is admired and lo\ed, life really is good and can be good for their own children and their
ideas.
They
learn to enjoy both
—
work
and to work happilv if the adults enjoy their work as parents. It is and
rest,
children learn to do the same. children are better able to
ahead
\^
ithout too
much
Then tr\-
the
going
fear or distrust
of themselves.
How Do
—
children's children.
\Vc need ficult,
what most
faith in li\ing today. In dif-
troublesome times we it
is
we
certainly.
belie\c in
li\e in a
democratic
tn' to find
most deeplv,
We belie\e
in the close
who are generous and warm, and who know the satisfaction of rearing children who are able to love bonds of parents
Families Teach Democracy?
Children learn to
best kind of strength arises
be happy and to
give.
YOU HAD A FAMILY, TOO ERNEST
G.
OSBORNE,
Ph.D.
Professor of Education, Teachers College, Columbia Universib', New York, N. Y.
Korling
YOU ever HAVE wlien the
come
into a theater
was nearlv over? Or have vou ever had the experifirst
act
ence of coming into the motion-picture house in the middle of the picture? If so, you know what a wrong impression
more than do most other men. He grew up in the kind of home where mother and sisters always waited on the menfolks, and seemed to like it. To him, this is the natural order of things. He would be shocked
if
told he
is
selfish.
you may get of some of the characters. IIow^ different your feehng about them is when vou ha\e seen the entire per-
The Roots Are Deep
formance!
keeper." She cannot bear to ha\e anv
So
it is
people.
with e\er^ dav, flesh-and-blood
When we
and wives,
as fathers
of the things the\'
stand.
But
if
them as husbands and mothers, some
see
do are hard to under-
we can
get a picture of
their place as children in their lies,
things
may come
own
fami-
clearer.
Man Manson
Here
is
Charles Moody. lie
is
father
and a hard-working, responsible business man. But he expects to be waited on hand and foot when he is at home. lie is nice enough about it, l)ut he gets the idea across. Yet Mr.
of four children,
Moody
docs not realize that he expects
a
"perfect house-
ashes in ashtrays, or the slightest hint of
dust in the corners of the room. In \\ays, life
is
made
some
rather unpleasant for
her husband and the children. Thc\" get the feeling that a clean house
more important to else. Mrs. Manson, ize that
You Carry Childhood with You
is
Mom
is
much
than an\thing
herself, fails to real-
the roots of her cleaning "bug"
go back to the days of her childhood. Her mother made her feel, as a little girl, that the only way \ou could really be sure you were appro\ed of or loved was to keep yourself and e\er\thing around \"0u in apple-pie order.
Dr. Louis
town.
He
is
Maynard
is
a big
man
in
the outstanding ph\sician.
You Had He
also a ci\ic leader, president of his
is
serviee club,
acti\'e
member
of the
commerce, and prominent the church. Yet, at home, there are
chamber in
an
of
unmistakable signs that he
is
the attention his wife
to their ten-
gi^•es
jealous of
vear-old son.
Doc's famih' background tells the stor) His mother died when he was only fi\e. For the next ten or twelve years he was shunted about among relati\es \\ho .
had children of their own. 0\er and over again, he was made to feel that he came second. Even though his aunts and uncles were kind, the boy Louis could not get
o\'er
Too
a Family,
the feeling that he
was a sort of stepchild. \Mien he married, he felt that at last he would come first in someone's affections. In spite of himself, he felt pushed into second place again when his son was born, and
19
Some mav
not ha\e entirch satisfactory husband-wife relationships. Yet thev are fine parents. Others may get along well as husband and wife but are inadequate as parents. But these are definite!}- exceptions. For
matter of degree.
most of between
there
us,
is
a close relationship
satisfaction in marriage
and
ef-
fectiveness as parents. In
Search
of
Some
a Parent
ha\e never been fathered or mothered enough. Like Dr.
Ahnnard,
individuals
the\'
ma\ quite unknowingh a father or a mother in
be looking for their marriage partner.
perhaps, the boy received
One
father.
little
warmth
mother or the
or attention from his
from her
childhood,
In
girl
wa\' of reacting to
Mrs. MaMiard had to gi\c the bab\ a
such a situation is to go on hunting for the lost parent in other relationships. Older, or at least more mature, mem-
great deal of attention.
bers of the opposite sex are the ones to
whom Understand the Causes In
one way
l^rings to his
or
own
another,
and
ex-
down
in
the family in which he grew up. llie step in being able to
come to terms use them con-
with these influences, to structively, to control them, is to understand them. Tliere are innumerable
ways in which your early famih' life may ha\e aiTected you. By looking at some of the
more commonh- occurring
ones,
}0u may find cues to understanding yourselves and \our husbands or wi\es. Childhoods Aftect Marriage
The
degree to which \ou work out a good marriage relationship has much to do with }our efl^ectiveness and your happiness as parents.
Of
dependent individual
This need not be an undesirable
e\"er\one
wife, father or mother, attitudes
first
a
is
attracted.
family as husband or
pectations that ha\e been laid
such
course, this
is
a
tionship
if
satisfaction
rela-
marriage partner gets
the
out
of
being
fatherlv
or
mothcrh. But most husbands find the perpetual "child-wife" something of a strain. Most women want men, rather than everlasting
The husband
little
or wife
bo\
s,
who
as
husbands.
first
and
al-
ways needs a parent rather than a partner may become something of a burden. But, of course, even the bravest sometimes needs to be dependcnti
You Cannot Relive
the Past
Sometimes the dependent relationship to a wife or husband is due to the fact that such deep satisfaction was found in a close tie to the parent of the opposite sex that the same sort of thing is
sought in marriage.
Childcraft
20
This variation on the theme might be called, "1 he Case of the Prince Charming" or, with the sex re\erscd, "Tlie Princess and Her Court." When an individual is the one child of his or her sex
play the role of courtiers to mothers or
can happen that father and mother, c\en sisters or brothers, focus a great amount of attention on the
show
in the family,
The of
girl
who
attention
is
it
false idea of her
own
where
or
little
parents
women
raised
affection
often
find
is it
affection openly.
family
a
shown between "unnatural"
Sometimes
to
a re-
whose family love and affection were constantly and openly demonstrated.
mav
im-
in
served indi\idual marries a person in
What
some adjustments
embarrassing to one be an essential proof of love to the
to make.
a
get
Men
Tliat couple will have
the center
will
fathers uith that kind of background.
is
other.
portance.
How to Get Rid Remember
of
Ghosts
that aflfection
is
not the
only childhood experience that
is
car-
ried over into adult marriage relation-
David W^right's mother had tried to control his everv thought and action. As a matter of self-protection, he had learned to resist. Sometimes he could handle the situation calmlv. Sometimes he "blew up." Though his wife was a different sort of person from what his mother had been, his defensive reactions showed ships.
themselves often in the early years of their marriage.
He
saw, in everv sugges-
made, the old dominating approach of the senior Mrs. Wright. His wife was puzzled and distressed by his tion she
behavior until she realized that her hus-
band had been treated to an overdose of petticoat rule in his early years.
she recognized
this,
Once
she saw that his an-
ger was not really directed at her. Before
beloved one.
He
or she
mav
nexer be
really satisfied \\ith an\ thing less
the center of the
s
PARENTS PLAY MANY PARTS HELEN
ROSS,
B.S.
Member of the Board of Directors, Institute for Psychoanalysis, Chicago, 111. Hibbs
faniilv
THE hving
is
the foundation of happy
stronger the family, the
will be.
The
faniilv
is
first,
more sohd,
and progressive our
substantial,
The
our modern society.
in
usuallv
made up
ings,
to break
it
jealousy,
Tlie
and
fear,
others.
The way
him, determines his anticipation of the wavs other gro\\n-up people \\i\\ feel about him now and later. The usual mother is ready to give her child the warmth and comfort that he needs. If she cannot feed him at the
good family life or tend apart. Such feelings include en\y,
from
she feeds him, fondles him, cares for
for
sympathy,
love,
of the child's later attitudes
child can expect
the children, and involving
dav-to-da\- relationships, or feel-
make
distrust,
a host of others.
within the family shift and vary. Indeed, the strength of the forces
breast, she gives
arms.
and the welfare of each person depend upon changes. These come the growth and experience of each
The
him
child's
the bottle in her first
To
learning
family,
through his body.
in
equals love and love equals food.
it,
w ith
individual. Ever\- day the child
is
If
older
and the parents more experienced,
in a
there
people
out
of
is
he
settles
down
to sleep.
He If
uneasiness in the mother, as
often happens
\\
ith
the voung mother
her movements mav not be so easy and gentle. She cannot make him as comfortable as when she is relaxed. Her tenseness goes from her
and
makes new the parents, and the first
the mother enjovs feeding him, he
eats well,
Mothers Are Givers birth of the
is
the baby, food
usually responds \\ith satisfaction.
world that constantly changes. The family is dynamic. It never stands still.
The
the
she becomes the pattern of what the
parents and children.
These
is
toward the world. The mother is the child's first contact with people, and so
society
wide variety of interesting and complicated relationships between the par-
among
the mother-child relationship,
groundwork
of a
ents,
The
child's life of relationships begins.
child
lier first child,
82 111
When
Father, as well as Mother, gives
loving care, a baby's trust expands. Then his confidence in the world around blossoms, and he reaches out.
bod\- into his. If she does not lo\e the
sometimes happens, the child responds uneasilv e\en though she be careful about exenthing she does for child, as
him.
Comfort
to the bab\
spells securit\";
mean anxietw An
discomfort comes to
becomes restless and "hard to handle." E\en the babv with a good relationship to his mother will sometimes get sick or fretful. Ihen he needs more closeness to the mother anxious
than
child
when he
is
well. It
is
true, too, that
happ\, well-satisfied babies are usualh" healthier than unhappv, dissatisfied babies.
How Do
Babies Become Friendly?
Confidence
in his
Hibbs
mother
growth to the adxcnture of the whole life. She is the first provider of food and comfort. She is the pattern for the child's feeling about the world, and she is the buflfer against pain and uneasiness. She is at first the center of the child's world. The security he feels with her
mother makes the
leads
bab\ interested in the people about him.
Happy
infants begin
earlier, to
to notice
the bridge from the prenatal
is
him
widening
to include others in his everorbit.
things
Father
reach out earlier, and to recog-
The
nize people earlier than those children to
whom
Is
father's
the Outside
importance grows as the
onh" routine care is gi\en. The foundation for good relationship seems
child begins to toddle.
the
little
to start with
son
who
one person. The mother is the ke\" person in the infant's life. But the father is also readv to help with the babw If he follows as
turns
lea\es a
home warm
plav, high
ride-a-cock-horse.
to
day and resmile, with newever)-
on
The
his shoulders, or little
child learns
quickh to anticipate this fun. He knows when to go to the window to watch for Dadd\'s homecoming. Sometimes the mother who has worked hard all da\feels a little hurt that father gets such a big hand. But the child rewards the mother with his need for her when he is tired or hungrv or not well, as well as at other times. And fathers and mothers learn to share each other's jo\- in the child's growth and accomplishment.
wav of baby, he can make him feel
nearly as possible the mother's
handlmg the more secure. The
He becomes
child the big, important per-
with
games to
World
child soon learns there
two people who lo\e him and he knows what to expect from each. If there is a baby sitter, she should handle the infant as the mother does. The mother-child unit is extremeh" important, llie mother's happiness and contentment are reflected m the bab\'s smile and in his general w ell-being. The are
83
fore
she has been satisfied
when
the
ehmination was health\' and regular. Now she shows her special pleasure only when he eliminates in the right child's
place. It learn,
is
often difficult for the child to
though many children "learn be-
fore they
know
it,"
especially
if
there are
Helping Your Child Learn to Use the Toilet, children
older
Volume
imitate.
to
concerned with the details of toilet training. Here we are concerned only with what it means to the in
H. Armstrong Roberts
Learning
worth the effort when pleased. Her approval is both is
Mother is reward and encoviragement.
13,
is
child.
How Do
Children Learn?
In this period, the mother has a role.
She
is
the teacher.
The
new
child enjoys
learning because he pleases his mother.
Parents Become Teachers
Toward the end
of the
first
year, the
parents start to train the child to habits of cleanhness.
"Too
early" or "too late"
can cause trouble. But what is the best time and what is the best way? Tlie young mother asks for an answer. The older mother has learned from experience,
and
it
is
interesting to note that
the youngest children in the family are usually the easiest to train. There is no
Learning for
its
later in his life.
own At
comes much he conforms be-
sake
first
cause he wins his mother's smile. This smile is his fun, his revyard. To be sure, the child will respond, also, to threats
and punishment. In that kind of training he has no part. He just acts on the demand of another. Such learning does not "get into his backbone" and become automatic. It remains always mixed up with feelings of uneasiness and distress.
The healthy child do new things, but
one "right way," but there are a few good leads to follow. The child should be ready. In other words, the muscles inyohed in eliminating should be under control. He should ha\'e some understanding of what his mother is asking him to do. His deyelopmcnt should be ayerage, and his health nmst be good. The obscryant, sensitiye mother usually knows instinctiyely when the right time has come. Tire mother should be "ready," too. She should ha\'e the necessary patience, for she is asking the child to respond to new expectations on her part. At first, perhaps, tlierc will be relapses. Hereto-
enjoys learning to in his
time. Since toilet training
is
own good one of the
important lessons in his life, how it is accomplished may easily influence the way he tackles new demands from then on. Some children undertake any new actiyity with pleasurable anticipation. Some hold back and haye to be reasfirst
and oyer. Another point to emphasize to the mother is the importance of being cassured oyer
ual about the training.
Her confidence
in the child's response,
her recognition
that she cannot impose her timing
the child, will
84
make her
less
on
concerned
Parents Play about immediate
Too much
results of the training.
pressure at this time slows
up the whole
anxious child or
s\mptoms and
mav make an
process. It
may
it
create physical
influence character. Stub-
bornness often results when the child is high-pressured into doing what the parents wish. The bowel and bladder functions should
into their normal place
fall
should not hang o\er him as a threat of losing the good in the child's life. The}'
Many They tain
make
children
over-ambitious or discouraged and unwilling to
make
discover that they belong to a cer-
\entures. Ever^• child's
The
sex.
little
girl
finds
her
in
each other.
The
other children too often
85
mother not just the good protector but also someone to imitate. The little boy tries to be like the father. The twosome of mother and child now becomes a triangle of mother-father-child, and the child has to work out new relationships. Mother belongs to him, but not exclusivelv. Father and Mother belong to
will of his parents.
E\erv parent takes pride in his child's accomplishment, but comparisons with
Parts
child normally tries to be like the
grown-up of his own sex. At the same time, he turns to the other parent with
new day
interest. I'he little girl saws,
marrv Dadd\
I'll
."
The
little
"Some bov
presses himself to the mother:
ex-
"Let's
have a big house together some day."
de\"elopment and growth follow a certain order, but the tempo \aries with the
Tliese
individual.
show
tning to take the first steps toward later, important relation-
Mother Interprets the Rules
married and start families of their own. This is a rehearsal for adulthood. Little girls
As the child's first teacher, the mother becomes the interpreter also of what societv demands. To be lax or neglectful of training may let the little bov or girl grow up without a sense of responsibilitv for his is
behavior. Tliis responsibilit\'
at first the parents'.
gradually to take self.
This
is
it
The
child learns
o\er as a part of him-
easier to
do when the
when Through
par-
ents are consistent,
the\ present a
"united front." notion of responsibilitv
the father this
represents law
is
widened.
He
and order outside the
home. From him the child learns of go\crnment and protection on a larger scale. To make good citizens, parents have to be responsible people themselves.
eonnnon expressions the\" are
Quite
early, little
children learn that
there are two kinds of people in the world, like Dadd\- or like Mommie.
when thcv
ships in
life,
practice
how
will get
to please their fathers. Lit-
boys practice being protecti\e with their mothers. Fathers and mothers are
tle
models This
for the future.
not alwavs an easy period for the child to work through. The threeis
be with the grown-ups and often feels shut out by the parents when he is not allowed to come into their room an\" time he wishes. The bo\- competes with his father. The girl becomes impatient with her mother. It is especialh- hard for the little girl, who needs her mother and tries to be like her, to discover that Mother comes first with Daddv. to
four-\ear-old
With Family Circles Become Triangles
of children
to
the discovcrv of sex diflPerences,
children
own
likes
become
curious
about
their
bodies and about those of other
people, sometimes to an embarrassing degree.
But
this
normal curiosity should
and
ness;" his love
(Hate to
his hate.
just the
a
other side of love.
little
child
The
parents give to the child, but thev
is
him
do what they say. Society makes demands, too. One might sav the child makes his experiments with the
also ask
to
parents as far as society
The Family
Is
concerned.
a Proving Ground
must be prepared
Parents
badness as well
child's
is
the
for
as his goodness,
and the home is the place for experimenting with behavior. Tlie naughtiest child at
home
often the best at school.
is
This happens not because he loves the teacher more than the mother but because he has experimented at home and "I'll
always love
sists this
my Daddy
enchantress, size three.
Daddy
knows this is one phase of growing and knows it will not last.
not be forbidden. Curiosity spring of learning.
knows what
best," in-
If it is
is
is
acceptable beha\ior.
controls himself at school, but he
up,
is
He in
the process of learning control at home.
Knowing
his parents' loving tolerance,
he can try things out. The parents, therefore, hold the reins of aggression in their hands. If thev are wise and patient, they will know when to slacken and tighten the reins, not just for their own comfort but for the child's future good. Brothers and sisters belong in the family picture, too. How the voung child feels about them and how these feelings develop, have much to do with
the main-
frowned upon
or punished, the ehild drives his curios-
underground, and he will ha\e to ponder alone or get wrong information outside the home. Questions should be answered as the}' come, but not expanded beyond the child's understanding. If he has confidence in his parents, he will come back for more information when he needs it. Again the parents arc
ity
his
growth.
It is easier at
to share the
three or older
mother with
a
new
bab\'
ing,
an earlier age. At eighteen months, for example, the child still needs the concentrated attention of his mother. He often finds this so hard to
to understand.
give
teachers in the best sense.
Thev
than
await
the readiness of the ehild for the learn-
and they arc patient with his efforts He Learns About DifEERENCES BETWEEN BoYS AND GiRLS, iu
Volume feelings
In
all
1
3,
in the earh- \ears.
these early stages, the mother
will act like the baby,
He may return himself. He may
hnn
in her
fa\or.
to wetting or soil-
ing
begin sucking his
e\"en
have temper tan-
trums.
—
"goodness" and
up that he
thumb, or he may
the axis about which the child's feelings re\ol\e his willingness and his reis
sistance; his
at
thinking this will reinstate
discusses in detail children's
about sex
it is
The younger
his "bad-
ject of
ma\ remain an obthe older one's en\v e\en after he cliild
86
,
"^
Korling
"What'll Mommy say io this?" That is the question small children are trying to answer as they test their own strength and test their parents. If limits are set with gentle firmness, they gradually learn how far it is safe to go.
ClIILDCR-\FT
88
himself has grown up. Jealousy is normal, for each child wants to be lo\ed the
To make
most. Gradually, under the guidance of the parents, children learn to share with each other, not only things, but also the
As the children go to school, fathers and mothers are released a little from
attention and love of the parents.
You
want to read the section in this \olume on Relationships Among Children IN THE F'amily, for a fuller presentation of how brothers and sisters feel toward one another. Sometimes parents get impatient
will
with the child's failure to bcha\e in a more grown-up way. Parents arc likely to
remember themsehes
at four or five
as
more mature
him
up. Children normal!}- try to
their
please
to hold back his progress.
the closeness so necessary in infancy. 'ITiey now have more time and can take
more
neighborhood the child plavs in, in his school, and in their own friends. This turnmg outward of interest for both parents and children makes a healthier, more colorful home life. The familv dinner table with its sharing of what each member did during the day is a picture which is a part of
although
parents,
sometimes seem not to
our way of
they
of six
parents ha\e to reckon with, "Well,
mav
we must do
so
and
mv
so." It
"Bobby's father lets him do this or that," or "Nly dresses are not as short as Mary's." Some new words the parents do not like may even be brought home. This is normal. Parents learn how to help the child put all these differences together and to understand that there are family standards to which they wish the child to be loyal. Parents must help children be selective of new modes of be,
expression,
These
new
Home?
This enrichment of the child's life outside the home only seems to make the child less interested in his
now
lo\es
home.
are fearful that the
home
less.
But the fam-
remains his bulwark, his city of refuge. Tliough he may not expect to sta}" in the house with his mother after school, he wants her to be there. This is
ily
comes the time for school, a time about which the mother may have mixed feelings. She wants him to go but she hates to gi\e him up. I'he father usually is more ready for this step. New experiences and new companions await the child at school. New authorities come into his life. Soon
Around the age
for
Sometimes parents
care.
Circles of Interest
teacher says
life.
Do They Core Less
child
Widening
interest in the
than they actually were!
But pressure to achieve beyond the child's capacity usually discourages and slows
is
naughty and guilty
a child feel
standards,
new
friends.
are steps toward independence.
his protection.
As he comes into pre-adolescence, he grows more independent, even to the point of criticizing his parents.
He now
new authorities outside the family. These may include an older boy or older girl, a teacher, a coach or camp
looks for
counselor, or
someone
else to imitate.
Hero worship is a normal stage in de\elopment. Sometimes the choice seems odd to the parents "WTiat do you see in Miss Jackson?" or "How can vou like Mr. Stone?" Often these models change, not because children are emo-
—
but because thev are learning about people and are sampling new relationships. Parents should stand tionallv
by,
fickle,
sympathetically,
guidance
gi\ing
when he needs
it.
the
child
Too
severe
Parents Play criticism
may
turn the child awa}^ from altogether and dri\e
parental opinion
him
into undesirable companionships.
From
the time of the mother's
first
knows that he can the parents with what he does,
smile, the little child
please
foreshadows the conscience. This is not born but gro\\s slowly as the child takes into himself the "yes" and
lliis smile
"no" of the parents, and absorbs their standards in
he gradually general. These
as
accepted as the onh "right and wrong." Later the parental attitudes are
first
bov and girl learn that attitudes and customs \ar\-. The ability to live on friendly terms with one's conscience is one of the important ingredients of a healthy personalit\-. Many children think they are bad,
and need to be reassured. practice to
talk
New
good
things o\'er \\ith
child as soon as he
Enjoying Each
It is a
is
the
able to understand.
Step
Growing pains ha\e
to
do
vyith feel-
Many
Parts
89
and patience in acquiring this self care. As they grow older, wise parents consult them in making such decisions as those that concern their fun or their clothing-
Some parents, in their ambition to make the child independent, turn over too much responsibility and expect debeyond the capacity of the individual. This is more discouraging than helpful. Children need to feel the wisdom and responsibility of their parents as a guide and support, something cisions far
to fall
back on. They
realize their
own
work things through alone, even though they want the experience of trving. At the same time, they like the assurance that the parents will stand by in case of failure. There is a good middle ground in helping adolescents to maturity. It is a compromise between restriction and indulgence. Those parents, especialh' mothers, who have cnjoved their children and cared for them intimately while they inability to
ings as well as vyith physical make-up.
were small, usualh" find
Pre-adolescents are often querulous, de-
quish the reins as the children grow up.
manding, and unreasonable. They are so unsure of themsehes that they swing from babyishness to bravado. Then they may get frightened and return to childish behavior. Thev" may become morose and want to stay out of school to avoid
This
situations they are not ready to meet. It
dren's affection
not always easy to be patient with such seemingly irrational behavior. But all is
it
easier to relin-
one of the reasons for encouraging a mother to take the chief care of her baby. It is good for the babv", but it is good for her, too. It enriches her own womanhood. If the parents have is
not satisfied their needs for the
chil-
and tenderness in the early years, they are inclined to hang on, tr\ ing to make up for the past. The time
boys and girls go through an unreasonable, confused period as they tr)- to figure themselves out.
but fathers and mothers can have an abiding pleas-
The family tries to help a child become independent. Sometimes this is
in
overdone. Children have to learn to dress themselves, to be watchful at street cor-
of
and to let the gas burners alone. But they do need help and watchfulness
ners,
of child care
is
brief at best,
ure as the\- see their efforts bearing fruit
the child's healthy personality and
success. Tlien there
is
the later reward
being grandparents, the gilt-edged certificate of a long-term investment in both the pain and pleasure that rearing children entails.
Lapli.-iiii
EACH CHILD
^
^9^
MARION
j^
Former Consultant
in
,
how many children are born, no two are alike. From earliest infancy, there ter
One
react.
nurses fast and hungrily. Another
more slo\^ly. One baby likes to be cuddled and held, another seems more independent. One baby sleeps as readily at grandma's as at home, another goes at
is
other child. That
remember.
their
build, are clearly inborn.
You
cannot be sure about what differences of
the important thing
temperament and personality are present at birth. Some may seem so deeply ingrained that you are tempted to think
important because it helps us to take proper care of children, to
body
from every
different is
children that
you can see, like the color of their eyes and hair, the shape of their faces and
Difierences Are Inborn is
B.A.
How Much Is Inherited? The differences between
slo\\er to accept change.
Every child
FAEGRE,
special in his behavior.
it
Some
DIFFERENT
be upset by the same things. They may even look alike, but they aren't. Each is different from the other in the same wa}' that grown-up persons are different. Some of these differences seem to be inborn, because they appear early, before environment has had a chance to have much effect. All through a child's growing years these traits ma}' continue to identify him as a person, unique and
have had ahke \'anishes once vou ha\'e one of your own. When a second one comes along, differences are proved even more draniaticalh". The miracle is, that no mat-
way babies
L.
Drvaney; Korlins
Parent Education, Children's Bureau, Washington, D. C.
impression you may ANYthat babies are much
are differences in the
IS
:
It is
do a better job as fathers and mothers and teachers. Johnny and Bobbv and Mary may seem to be much alike. They may play with toys in the same \\a\' or to
may have at least a basis in heredOne of two brothers is quite cagey
the)ity.
about making up his mind. He takes a long time. When he goes into a dime
90
he looks o\'er e\erything and may, pondering long and hard, come ont
store,
after
with
mone\'
his
still
I*aphHni; Korling
His
unspent.
that
a trip.
decision
days
a
definite
makes
He has made before. He
equalh, that \"ou treat them all alike. Yet there are inescapable differences in
a beeline for the counter, picks
their life experiences.
mavbe
When
not.
We
don't know.
much
alone
months
in kindergarten before she
gles freeh'
so
that
with other children?
it
Each child
as a result
is
riding a differ-
ent horse in the famih- merr\-go-round.
takes
Each
min-
living.
Or
\oursel\'es
—
seems shv, \ou can easily see that it ma\" be a learned, rather than an inborn, trait. Is it because Laura a child
played
You
your living conditions, your finances, \our neighbors, your attitudes, even some of your iK'hefs keep changing.
that cause these differences are
inborn,
is
getting a different \iew of famih-
did
What
she inherit this characteristic from her
Effect
Has
Position in the Family?
In a way, you experiment
shy, reser\'ed father? Isn't Paul's bashful-
The wonder
ness with strangers parth- explained bv
baby.
the fact that his family has rarely had
turn out as well as the\' do!
guests?
Each
same
family, ha\ e the
out the thing he wants, and does not stop to look at anything else. Maybe the traits
children, e\en in the
same environment. You take it for granted that \ou are a unit as a famih-, that you lo\c all your children
brother knows cxacth' what he wants
when he makes such
no two
is
on the
first
that oldest children
Your
great
tremendous pride, your oxerconscientiousness, and xour expectations,
child's life-experience piles
up, overlaying his original nature with
vour
Sometimes experience and nature reinforce each other. Sometimes, perhaps, one even counteracts the other to a certain extent. Bv creating the kind of home atmosphere in which children
equally great lack of experience tend to
have a chance to grow, parents can ha\e
oldest does. Later children
making these la\crs of experience good ones. Teachers can help
\ious of older ones v\'ho have, or seem
the child's growth in this wa\-, too.
to school first?
its
results.
make
hard for them in some wavs. child ever has to undergo the painful experience of learning to share life
No second
his parents in quite the
a big part in
same way the
may be
en-
Don't the\- go Don't thcv have a bicvcle first? Keeping up with an older brother or sister is sometimes hard for the younger child in the family, but his en\'ironment is easier to cope with in anto ha\e, great prixilcgcs.
Environments Are Never Alike Familiar as you are with the fact, ^ou
need to remind vourseh'es now and then 91
i^y Green. Frederic Lewis;
Lapham
Boys are expected to be boys, tough enough for football, but girls are expected be gentler. Everyone approves when they are good mothers to their dolls.
He
other wav.
ne\'cr has quite tlic
same
impression that "this
old stuff to me."
brand new clothes and playthings for the middle one mav sa\e man}- heartaches and arguments. Consider the extra expense as a good investment in peace and emotional well-be-
Once
feeling about being supplanted b\ a nc\\'
one had. Each child after the first is somewhat accustomed to the idea that mother and father are to be shared. baby
is
to
as the oldest
in a while
ing!
How About
the Middle Child?
The Ever-Changing Environment
Middle children are in a tough spot. They are neither \ oung enough to be as free
of
responsibility
ones, nor old pri\ileges as
as
the
smallest
enough to have as man\the oldest. Almost every-
thing they wear, play with, or read
hand-me-down. Even likely si/e."
that
A
their
is
when
his parents are bet-
ter off financialh'
when
the
a dif-
first
than thcv were baby came, grows up in
ferent environment from that in which
the oldest grew up.
a
triumphs are
A
child born during
a depression or a \\ar will li\e in
somewhat "cut down to "Nancy made me a basket like to be
and be
by an en\ironment different from that of a child born in more for-
affected
she was in kindergarten,"
\\hen
child born
tunate times.
says when Nancy's little sister proudly presents her handiwork. Re-
Mother
You
tal interest in his affairs.
same persons in your thirties or forties that you were in vour twenties. You are more anxious or more carefree, noisier or quieter, more of a spendthrift or more of a hoarder. The youngest and oldest children often might almost be said to have different
edge
parents!
member, the experiences and achievements of the middle child arc new to him. You are gi\ing him the support he needs only
when you
off his
take a fresh and
\i-
Don't take the experiences by gi\ing the
92
are not the
Many
of the traits
we
see in our
Each Child children reflect the influences of varying
family situations.
Is
Different
93
such low marks!" You may have to wait a good man\- \ears to see Jamie equal or forge ahead of Marcia in studiousness.
Each Sex Has a
Different
You may
Environment
Almost from the beginning \ou emphasize the different roles nou expect boys and girls to play. Teddy is "grandpa's little man" from the time he can toddle, and grandpa may frown on your gi\ing
him
a doll.
The
pla\' interests of
babies and young children are similar,
but you give the girls one kind of iov and the boys another. You add to the differences laid
down by
their sex.
You
more, then wonder You expect little boys to be bra\'e, and then wonder whv they ha\e nightmares sometimes! Might the feeling that bovs are "harder to handle" come from the inprotect
why
little
girls
they are timid!
ability of a
mother
to understand her
son's nature as well as she
her daughter's? Are you
nexer see him realize his possibilities if you discourage him with comments that favor his sister. His talents ma}' sho\^• up in so man\- other ways
than school marks! Wh\' not be on the lookout for things in him that you can cheer about? Do you appreciate sufficiently his good sportsmanship in games, or his pluckiness
in sticking at
learning to dive well?
and
Bo\"s
girls
ences
without
your expectations.
what
gles o\er
boys and
girls
show enough differthem b\' Quarrels and strugthe proper work for
emphasizing is
may be
less
frequent
now
more little boys see their fathers run \acuum cleaners, shop for the family food, and e\cn cook it on occasion. that
understands
more
Each Responds
interested,
You
in His
Own Way
sometimes, in keeping bo\s clean and neat than in seeing that they ha\'e the excitement of building dams, climbing
not to look alike, but you are surprised that they do not act alike. When it
trees, or
making scooters? A knife to a woman means cut fingers, but to a little boy it is indispensable to experiment-
comes to discipline, the lightest word is enough to stop Mar\- when she does something displeasing to her mother or
ing.
her teacher. In fact, they have to be careful, for her sensitive nature is crushed
In the same wa}', fathers may encourage little girls to be fussy and conscious of their pretty clothes. his
gentle
A
father may, b\
and
indulgent treatment, teach his daughters to expect all the
breaks,
and none of the
responsibilities,
ni their relationships \\ith a father a
who
men. Again,
has no sons ma^• encourage
tombow Sometimes you make
daughter to be a
arc prepared for your children
by reproof. She does not bounce back the way Dickie docs when he has to be reminded not to repeat a misdeed. Dickie, the irrepressible, has quite honestly forgotten, the next minute, what he is supposed "not to do." But he never holds a grudge, ne\er sulks or whines,
if
have to be with him about something. His merry good nature goes a long wa\- to
his parents or his teachers
unfa\orablc
comparisons between boys and girls. Girls care more about their teachers' approval, and about school marks. It is hard on Jamie if you ask him, "Whv is your spelling so poor? Marcia never gets
firm
make up
innumerable door-bangmittens, and mischievous pranks that are another way of sa\ing ings,
for the
lost
"Dickie."
Some you
children with
out
eagerness
wear their
to talk.
Ewing Galloway
^ Others
worry
you
because they keep troubles to themselves. In a happy family, there is room for both. their
Zylslra
Should You Hurry the Slowpoke?
A in a
difference that
family
is
dren's tempo.
is
often interesting
the difference in the chil-
One
child
mav be
dawdling irritates her and she rushes him. This may slow hini up even more. He is confused and frustrated when his natural way of doing things is interfered with. He's not "pokv/' he doesn't "dawdle," and he's bothered bv being told that so often. As parents, and teachers, too, you will
briskness. His
speedv,
another slow. Both, e\en at their wideh' \arying rates of acti\'ity, may accomplish about the same amount. Suppose Jackie is always being hurried. His deliberation is quite the opposite of his mother's
find
it
pays to obser^•e children closely,
94
I
Each Child
that
You
what
ha\e looked thoughtfully at your \va}S and \"Our children's \\a\s, \'0u can take in stride
might
some
of
be
otherwise
the
things
anno\ing.
95
about which parents or teachers know nothing. You cannot follow your older children through the da\". If ten-vear-old Ellen seems subdued when she comes home from school, ^ou ma^• ne\er know
vou do not make the mistake of misreading their beha\'ior. Once vou so that
\our
Different
Is
her
bruised
When
time.
this
should be careful to see that Jackie's slow, cool approach, his mind that \^•eighs, measures, and comes out with
Bobb\' comes to school in a grouchy find out
win the day
started off wrong.
something sound, can well be an asset instead of a liability. Of course you need
You can
always
the
way open
his
troubles,
him more
to gi\e is
time!
To manage
that
than to deal with a child stubborn and resentful b\- being
far easier
made
pushed too hard.
mood,
a
Differ
As each child gets older, his personality becomes more complex, for experience deepens and enriches it. Many of life
are
experiences
to
sometimes
tell it
lence for the
kind
is
may not be
lea^"e
you
for
but
wiser to respect his
moment. Ellen
who will on when
able to
ma\" be the
about her troubles
talk
she
si-
is
relaxed
and alone
\ou would only close the door more tighth- for Bobby if you
w
the e^•ents in his
child
later
When Temperaments
his teacher
ith
\
on. Perhaps
w ere too eager to console him or to offer help. Keeping the channels of communication open for each child is necessan", but cyen that is done in a different wav for each child. Children who ha\e not been as easy to see through as a pane of glass mav, through the \ears, become more com-
Sometimes a new interest brings about a bond between parent and child. The friendship between Tom and his father ripened when the boy dc\eloped a keen ambition to play football. Tom suddenh- aw akened to the fact that prehensible.
those old photographs of his father in football togs, with a letter proudh- dis-
played,
had meaning
Differences
May Make
for
him, too.
for
Squabbles
Perhaps one of the hardest things for parents to deal with is the kind of difference between two children that leads to bickering and quarreling. Alan's boisterPatience, not punishment, helps the slowpoke and cuts down resistance. Nina Leen-Pix
I
Childcraft
96
tendency to make light of his brother Ned's opinions, caused clashes. Because the parents were sensitive to what might be back of these outbursts, and were able to help, the boys oiis behax'ior, his
became more companionable. The
par-
ents understood that Alan's attempts to
dominate were
his effort to
make up
for
work at school. They realized they must find things to praise in Alan, so that he would not
his
less
distinguished
need to demonstrate in disagreeable wavs that he was "as good as" Ned. Ned, once the pressure of Alan's sneers was lifted, uas less often reduced to tears.
vou may even feel that a child is harder to understand and to get close to because his quiet strengths are overshad-
owed by the bouncing,
sponse of another. You need to look twice to be sure you are really giving him what he needs, that you are not brushing him away and causing him to with-
draw because he
How Some
of the qualities that
You
can learn
make your
in
—
to either. That's
what
really gets
you down. lliis outgoing,
demanding
son,
whose
\ou
let
tion that
spoken, quieter,
you are less
much
less
obvious
more reserved
of your atten-
aware of the un-
demands of a child. Sometimes
is
\aluable
be
a dull affair family life
you
if
would
members were reduced
all its
if
Of
spice.
irritate
them.
What the
grayness
this
child's
of
similarity.
to
You need
startling imagination
even
one point you may worry over the child's ability to be truthful. You can cherish the bubbling humor of that one even though it is disconcerting when it bursts out in church over a spider about to drop on a bald head. The quieter child who is not a leader nor the life of the party may grow up to make a contribution of his own. When vou recognize, respect, and accept differences, life is pleasanter. Accepting each child for what he is, and as he is, at home and at school, is the best safe-
though
at
guard against insecurity, jealousy, or undue rivalry. Each child needs to have you be on the alert to discover his own
own pace, own way of meeting his probYou need to keep in mind that
special gifts
lems.
from matches to mu-
claim so
that
you color and
gives
manner
may
much
llie infinite variety in a family or class-
and
cilage,
Spice
if you watch for the difand ferences take your clues from them,
curiosity leads him. into trying out all
of things,
Is the
course, the differences can
them. Take Chucky, who is always asking questions. A busy mother is sometimes inclined to try to turn off this flow, to wish she were "blessed" with a quiet child who didn't pester her for information. To be followed around while you're getting dinner with questions about what kind of trees potatoes grow on, or why they have "eyes," can be distracting. But actuallv, isn't it the double job, not Chucky himself, that irritates you? When he is so alert, sc eager, is the time that you ought to be able to do a fine teaching job. But you have to divide your thoughts between the bubbling on the stove and the bubbling Chucky and you can't do justice
so sensitive.
about children
children most puzzling are those you
need to cherish
is
Variety
room Can You Balance Their Needs?
lusty, ready re-
and
capacities, his
his
you will help a child most if you see him as an individual who cannot and should not be like any other individual who has ever lived.
LIVING TOGETHER IN
THE FAMILY
\j-
13.
FAMILIES SHAPE PERSONALITY
14.
DISCIPLINE
15.
THE FAMILY COUNCIL
16.
THE FATHER IN THE FAMILY
FOR SELF-RELIANCE
The unique family
is
personalit\' of
each
member
of the
influenced by, and, in turn, influences day-
to-dav li\ing in the family circle.
\ou say and do and feel, the kind of discipline vou set up can teach ^"Our children to gi\e and take, to make sensible choices and decisions, to be self-respecting, self-confident, and selfreliant, and to respect the indi\idualit\' of others.
\Miat you
are, \\hat
The way
your children \\ill meet their problems and get along with others, the beliefs the\ will hold to, and the \alues they will cherish all through life
are largeh-
have
in
determined by the experiences thev
the family in their earlv \ears.
FAMILIES
SHAPE PERSONALITY LOIS
MEEK
STOLZ,
Korliog
No matter how much
alike they look,
each is unique, and differences will become more marked through the years.
Ph.D.
Professor of Psychology, Stanford University, Stanford, Calif.
ferent from
all
others.
He
feels
he
is
dif-
and unique. He is conscious of his selfhood. A man's personalit}" is what he does and how he feels what he is. ferent
MOTHERS
and fathers
in the personahties their sons
and
de\eloping.
A
daughters
are
—
are interested
Heredity Gives the Basic Constitution
newborn babies are some\\hat alike, but each differs from the others in man^• wa\s, due to the great xarietv in hereditan- patterns. Newborns differ in muscular equipment and in energy. Some \\ill de\elop early, others more
mother savs, "Billv is independent, just hke his Dad." A father remarks, "The twins look ahke, but Babs is so much
more
No
foreeful than Bee."
t\\o per-
sonahties in a famih are identical.
though
Billy
is
like his
ence, in other ways he
Dad is
All
E\en
independunlike him. In in
he
his early outbursts of anger,
is
slo\\lv. Tllc^
be,
en-
from his father. His parents often wonder hou- Bilh" got that
and hou' smart. will influ-
For example, an "earlv dc\cloper" Is
Personality?
This \\ord peTSoimhtv
ing, of course, that she
is
is
is
accomplishments feel secure and important. But, in adolescence, he may feel awkward and ill at ease, \\hcn new emotions and desires arise in him ^^hile his friends are less mature. These experiences affect his personality through the way people respond to him. Also, his own attitude
something
person has or has not. But
something quite
be proud of and he will
attracti\e.
Personality in this sense
different.
We
we mean mean the
uniqueness of each particular person.
human bemg
is
will
probabh- gain self-confidence more easily than other children. His parents will
used in different ways. Sometimes a person savs, "My, she has a lot of personality," mean-
Eaci.
big the\" can
ence the personality each child dc\elops as he mo\cs along the path to maturitw
\\a5-.
a
beautiful,
how
Such inherited differences
tirely different
What
how
differ in
a personalit}-, dif-
99
his early
^
i
^
Hunger
child.
is
a pressure. Tlie infant
responds by a lot of acti\it\", a whimper, and then a loud howl. If food comes soon, the babv relaxes, his tensions go. If food is slow in coming dav after dav,
mav
the infant
gradualh' build up ten-
do not leave easily. Sometimes these early tensions from hunger are the beginnings of what we later call a tense personalit^". These tensions contribute to making the high-strung, "nervous" sions that
Ewing (iailoway
and tencan build an angry,
Constant
e/
sion
tears
anxious personality. But if needs are met promptly, contentment and trust will take root, as a rule.
child
an\
In
child,
manv
forces are interacting constantly.
Each Child
How Do
Is
sucli
Thev
in this \ol-
ume.
Conditions such as bright, piercing sunshine or stickv, humid weather, low or high altitude, dry winds of the desert or fogs of
demand
the seacoast,
adaptations.
some children
difficult for
to
It is
make
the
necessan" adjustments. For example, a child
whose skin
may de\elop a
wind\
But sures
is
extremelv sensitive
irritable traits
if
he
lives in
dr\" place.
,
tlic
for
Earlv in
most important outside presa child come from people.
life
of the famih"
is
mainh' the members
who
press the child in cer-
it
and teachers play a part. But babies and young children also depend on their par-
Personality Grov/s
two children
not e\en twins,
same familv, ever have the same exin the
periences in growing up.
When we speak of
talk
life's
about personalitv, we
experiences as pressures.
An
experience presses a child to do something, to behave in some wav, to adapt to it. His personalitv is reallv
formed through the adaptations makes to these pressures.
come from \arious sources. them come from within the
Pressures of
ents to help relieve the tensions that
come from
liunger, cold, pain, or
from
being lonesome or unhappy. Tlius what parents do and sa\", and the way thev do it, affect a child's beha\ior and his feelings most deeply. 1 he famih's influence on the de\eloping personalities of children is our concern here.
he
Pressures from Inside and Outside
Some
of these
tain directions. Later other children
How
No
demand come from
the physical en\"ironment.
Different and
Children Gro\\?,
Some
adaptations.
determine to some extent how a child will respond to life and how others w ill respond to him. You can read more about the mfluence of hereditv m the chapters
has difficultv in relaxing.
Pressures from outside also
toward himself is influenced as he continuoush- compares himself with others. This is onh' one example of the wav an inherited difference can influence personalit\'.
who
Parents' Personality a Force
Children's personalities are strongly influenced by what parents are; far
more, in
How
a
than by what parents saw woman feels about herself and
fact,
lOO J
101
Families Shape Personality her
life
affeet the quaht)- of the re-
^^'ill
lations she builds with her child
the years. This
These
is
through
just as true for a
feeling tones
\^'ill
man.
determine to
a
what the child means to each parent and how each acts as father
large extent
son,
father
he
tional security, there
is
will
a basically satisfied per-
have
probably
friendly relations
\^"ith
is
likelihood that
children will be wanted and that they too vyill find emotional security as part of the family unit.
A
or mother. If a
W^here the relations between husband and \^'ife gi\e to each a feeling of emo-
warm, lo\ing home can deyelop warm, loying. child \\ho
is
part of a
positi\'e,
his child that will
When
Father is too disturbed to answer, the world looks bleak. The
increase the child's confidence. His child
be influenced to\\ard de\eloping affectionate, s\inpathctic, generous qualities. But where life has made the father will
worrying habit
may
t
be
contagious, too.
irritable, distrustful, or bitter, his child
ma\' be influenced toward de\eloping
undesirable qualities too, though these
may
from
differ
who haye enthusiasm
JNIothers
what they
his father's. for
are doing influence their chil-
dren toward zestful liying. Those v\ho are worried or unhappy are likely to magnify their children's problems. The
woman who
has ne\'er grown up,
is
immature, does not
emotionalh
still
who
usualh' giye her children the feeling of trust
thc\-
need to grow^ toward inde-
pendence.
But the it\-
cflfect
on
a child of an\" qual-
in a parent's personality
the whole picture.
A
depends on
dominating mother might turn out to be a quiet, mouselike person. He might become rebellious and defiant. Circumstances might combine to make a child deyelop
a tenacious, indirect persistence
quite effecti\e in getting his
Other influences termine
just
quality in his
l'M*.(.l.;
KwiriK tlalluway
child of a "bossy,"
own
way.
in a child's life will de-
how he
will
mother or
adapt to any
friendly
characteristics.
child
who
grows up where there is mutual respect and consideration can learn to be re-
and considerate. Unhappiness between husband and wife usually brings stress to a child, and that may afspectful
fect his
de\eloping personality in a
ety of ways.
father.
A
A
child
may
yari-
take on the
Relations Between Parents Affect Their
ways of his parents if he feels close to them, or he may deyelop diflferent char-
Children
acteristics as a reaction against his par-
The phase
loye of parents for a child of
their
loye
for
each
is
one
other.
ents.
More information about
on children
of the relations
the effect
between
par-
When each
loved
is
and accepted, they are fonder of one another, too.
Korling
Parents Are also Husbands and W'res, in this \olumc.
cuts will be found in
to
grow and do big
When
there
is
and
Sisters
more than one
Some
child
development of
the children's personalities
become
dif-
and
develop
are for
opment IN
Ihe
several in a family. I'eeling tones about is
loved, whether he will
influence each other's devel-
are set forth in the chapters in
the section Relationships
normal stress situations that any child when he is one of
how much he
ways brothers
of the specific
sisters
dren
ferent.
There
and sympathy when
things go wrong.
in a famih" the situation changes. Tlie
forces that influence the
gi\e
assurance to each that he will get his share of comfort
Effect of Brothers
They can
things.
Among Chil-
THE Family,
in this
Each Year
Important
Is
\olumc.
personality of a child begins to
de\'elop earlv in infanc\'
and continues
Dav
get his share, whether he can be his age,
to develop throughout
whether he can compete fairlv, influence a child's personality development. A child must make some adjustment to such stresses. His spontaneitv, his generosity, his sympathy, his affections, his hatreds will all be influenced. To help in the de\elopment of the positive qualities, parents have to tn- to gi\e each boy and girl a feeling that
day,
what a child is like, how he behaves, and how he feels about himself and other persons. WTiat happens during infancv seems
there
especially
is
Mother
plenty of love for each child. and father can make it clear that
may have to give up sometimes but not always, 'iliey can let each child feel that he will get plenty of chances a child
tern
new
of the
it
woven
particular
after
into the pat-
indixidual's behavior
Each
feelings.
with
threads are
life.
stage
and
brings
special needs for adequate devel-
How
opment.
these needs are
met
will
influence
imp
;
But "if at first you don't succeed, try, try, again, is a lesson best learned early and through experience.
Each time that she succeeded in sitting on the chair she dropped either the book or her baby and had to clamber down again. But
Them Help Themselves
Let
With good
to read a
self-reliance as a goal, a third
rule
is:
do
for children onlv those
things they are incapable of doing for
book
to her doll.
themsches. Tliis is often a hard rule to remember. A mother's affectionate tendenc\- is to help a child who seems to be having a hard time. Then, too, there are so manv things the older person can do
there was nothing else that Jessica cspccialh- needed to do at that time. She
and more qnickly. Young children ha\e a good deal of time to spend. How could it be more profitably emploved than m sohing some of
she might be expected to work oxer her
more
successful before her patience ga\e out.
easil\-
own problems?
their
was interested in sohing her problem and kept working at it. Since she \\as
Tliey enjoy work-
of holes or finding ways to
up
stand
are
and out
make
blocks
accomplish-
satisf\ing
voung child. Cooking the supper without anyone ho\ering about
ments
m
to a
the kitchen
is
a great
achic\cment for
a nine- or ten-year-old.
This does not mean that a tired or sick child should not be helped.
If
a child
temporarih- needs added assurance that
he
is
loved,
he should have the kind of
him such reassurance. If has undertaken some impossible
help that gives a child
such as tr\ing to get a big tov
task,
he must be defeat. But
through the
railings of a pen,
spared the
frustration
make
sure that defeat
of is
ine\"itable be-
fore rushing in to help. It
\^as
a
great
"f
Nothing
Early Teaching
Is
Important
up and to do and contributes It often means
Children's need to grow for
themsehes
is
basic
greath- to self-reliance.
\ou must take more time toda\- to let them accomplish something. Still, you know that thev are learning to do it for themselves, and the same thing will require much less parental time another year.
When
babv begins to want to feed himself, either with his hands or his spoon, it is hard to sit bv watching him mess up his bib, the table, and the floor. Wlio does not long to seize the spoon and scrape all that spinach off the babx's chin? But the time spent in cleaning up around the high chair this \ear will be a
entireh" freed next vear
when
the toddler
has had time to perfect his techniques.
temptation to help
aged two, as she tried to seat heron a somewhat high chair in order
Jessica, -.
hopefully.
succeeds like success!
ing to get back a toy that has fallen out of reach. Putting shoe laces in
more
next task e\cn
111
If
the mess cannot be tolerated and the
eager hands are brushed awav from the spoon, he ma\- learn to reh" on
child's
Childcr.\ft
112 the service.
Time
to feed
him
will
have
to be included in the day's schedule far
longer than necessary. The same thing is true of help in the
kitchen in later years. Heidi's mother
dreaded it when the child said, "Heidi holp" and moved a stool close to
really
the dishpan. As the \ears went on, she
was glad she had put up with this early "holp" because she found that, by the time Heidi was nine or ten years old, she could go to the kitchen and proudly get supper with almost no help.
A
fourth important truth to keep in
mind
each child in a family is so different from every other child in the same famih' that plans which have sucis
this:
cessfully disciplined
one child
will often
be found to be unsuitable for ing his brother or
uater.
If
of the time.
things
the spanking
to
get
point too often, the reasons underlying the need for this discipline should be carefully explored.
children
retreat
will
after
a
spanking and store up angry feelings against the spanker. They tend to brood and learn nothing from the treatment. Planned spankings, administered in "cold blood," are practically never justified. Spankings given at heated moments are justified onlv as thev can re-
and quickly rerelations between the
lease primiti\e feelings
sister.
Jimmy was merry and most
disciplin-
something a the morning. for
voung child did in Before using any sort of spanking, the child and the nature of his relationships with the spanker must be well known. F'or some children, a spanking clears the air just as a thunderstorm does. But the same effect might be more safely produced bv washing their faces ^^'ith cold
Some Toilor-Made Discipline
bedtime
to spank at
happ}'-go-lucky
But he seemed
to need
few moments of violent protest before he could get to sleep, no matter what was done to help him with this period. His twin sister found her crib her stronghold and settled down immediatclv and
friendly
store
spanker and the spanked.
a
contentedly.
To Spank
or
Not
to
Spank?
Best Discipline It is
Can Be
Self-Discipline
because of these personality
ferences in children and their parents
hard to give or to get specific suggestions as to what should be done about disciplining a child. If he is to that
it is
and learn that
gain control of himself
The same
dif-
experience affects different people in different ways. This must be
the
especially considered in the use of a dis-
take his traits with their glories and dif-
ciplinary tool such as spanking. WTiile
ficulties into consideration. Discipliners
children are
little,
casionally to build tions like slaps
it
in
may be
wise oc-
painful associa-
on the hand or spanks to
discourage such activities as reaching for forbidden things. It is wise onlv if the
spank can follow the bit of beha\ior so closely that the child can easily make the connection between the two. It is certainly a waste of time and effort slap or
best
discipline
plans for teaching
must
is
him
self-discipline,
will of necessity
comfortable and confident about the plan or the measure. Mrs. Smith's disciplinary techniques won't fit Mrs. Bent's household anv better than Mrs. Smith's size five shoe would ser\e Mrs. Bent's size nine foot. also feel
Conflict E^'e^^•o^e
Can Be
would
Constructive
like to
think that his
r*'^^?^:^^*^
can do it by myself" is the theme song of the four-year-old, who takes great pride in her accomplishments. "I
famih' or his schoolroom
\\ent along
without conflict among its members, but this is an impossible standard. If children \\ere like putt\- in our hands we would indeed ha\e cause to be worried. A healthv child, with the \itality to
make find
his wa\- in the world,
is
t
certain to
that other people's interests
and
needs run counter to his. lie is hardiv worth his salt if he does not at least try to fight through to the satisfaction of his own \i\idh-felt wants, no matter what happens to those of other persons. "There's just one person I can't imagine the world without," said eight-}ear-old
Ken. "Mvself!" Certainlv such a one will encounter and stimulate conflict as he presses forward. It is onlv as conflict is constanth" present in marked degree in famil\- or classroom that it need be considered a problem. Tliere is bound to be some normal friction as wants and needs of different personalities are fitted together.
Feelings
Can Come Out
Children experience strong feelings and understand them in others. It is far better for the disciplining adult to lose
her temper occasionalh- than to
tr\-
so
hard for control that she seems cold and distant to the child. If his parents are too self-controlled in the expression of such feelings as affection or anger, the child
may
find out
use uncomfortable wavs to
whether they are capable of
feeling.
The
child
who
is
to
become
abh' happ\-, self-reliant
man
a reason-
or
woman
Black Star
must be taught not guilt\-
about his
to
be afraid of or
feelings.
feel
Without emo-
would indeed lose its savor. It is to be hoped that an\- child will continue to suffer from or enjoy feelings and emotions as long as he lives. He can and must, however, learn to take responsibilit\" for, and to control, his behaxior when his emotions ha\"e been aroused. E\entually he is not drixen by tion, life
He
make a decision as to whether to take when he wants, strike when he is angr\ try to possess when he lo\es, or e\en laugh when he is amused. Most people learn to behave in a ci\"ilized manner even when thex" are in the feeling.
is
able to
,
throes of strong feeling.
Mrs. Harris felt that she understood the nature of Katy's feelings about her baby brother better after she had watched the child pla\"ing with her doll's house one day. The bab\ in the miniature family pro\"ed to be a remarkable 15
had been much more responsible people.
He
He
cried too easily in tight places.
carry himself upstairs, but
was too apt to feel that he was more punished than the others, and that he was the only one to whom la^^'S were applied. His mother knew that Cedric would not learn in a dav or in one experience, but she thought she had tried e\ery way known to her. How could she help Cedric to realize that no one else could live his life for him and that other people were just as restricted as he? One summer when Cedric was about cle\"en, the familv vacation was spent at the seaside and the children had the use of a little sailboat, so small that it could be manned bv a crew of one. Cedric knew a good deal about the management of boats. The harbor in which the boat was to be used was a safe one and ^isible from the house. Because older members of the familv sailed the boat alone, Cedric was eager to do so. Know-
himself out for walks in his
ing that currents, winds,
F.P.G.
Discipline is in the situation itself
when
the crib sets the limits.
one.
Not
onh" could be feed himself and
he could take baby carriage. It is to be hoped that Mrs. Harris said to Katy at some later time, "I don't blame you for feeling that the baby gets a great deal of care. When \ou were a baby I used to do all those things for you, but now you can do them for yourself so \ou and I ha\"e time to do together things that are more fun. If vou
had own and could not be ar-
could not feed \ ourself I would not have time to sit with }'ou while \ou plaw" Katy might say nothing, but she would
be relieved to know that her mother understood without blaming her for wishing the bab\- were different. Discipline Is in the Situation
Much
what has been discussed can be sunnned up in Cedric's experience. Ccdric's parents were anxious about him because he did not learn to rely on himself. At his age his brothers and sisters of
and
tides
ways of their gued with, Cedric's parents thought that sailing the boat alone would make it cnstal clear to him that he could relv on himself to bring the boat safely home only if he understood and obeyed the laws which go\ern all sailors. They knew that the}" could reach him m any real emergenc\", so thev summoned their courage and gave him permission to go out alone. Often with her heart in her mouth, especially if the wind came up, Cedric's mother watched the little white sail far out across the harbor. She knew that Cedric was happy, that the boat, in its wordless but li\eh' \\ay, would teach him as people could not.
The
situation
itself, as
so often h
it;-
pcns, ga\e the best kind of discipline for self-reliance.
114
FAMILY COUNCIL TONIGHT AT 6:10
^
THE FAMILY COUNCIL WILLIAM
E.
BLATZ,
f
Ph.D.
Director, Institute of Child Study, University of Toronto, Toronto, Canada
Press Syndicate
council!" scornfully cried a
FAMILY
friend of mine.
He was
the father
whose ages ranged from six to twelve. "I'll ha\e none of it. Let me tell vou what \\ent on in our house of four boys,
week! In school the older children were told to urge their parents to ha\e a
last
famih- council \ote,
and
—everyone should
so on.
Mv
oldest
ha\"e a
bov got the
turned either the ice-cream situation or the allowance motion to good account.
A famih- council
them them
less tension.
to.
whatcxcr wa\' he told Then he asked us to ha\e a
Now
council.
"My
wife and
anything and
I,
billing to take
on
out at least once, consented. The first item on the agenda was we should ha\e ice cream ever\- night tr\- it
—
The
The
\ote was 4 to 2 in fa\or. next item proposed that all allow-
for dessert.
far deeper,
be settled. Hi rough discussion, these can usually l)c worked out with
tions to
to \otc
something
more subtle, and more educational than mere majorit\ rule. A family council, in most households that use it, means bringing all the members of a family together to work out situations that concern e\er\bod\-. There are always ques-
other three together and arranged for all
is
let
us w rite the
ha\c happened
in
a
stor}- as it
might
family \\here the
council idea w as used to good ad\antage.
Reasons Are Carefully Examined
The
had made the suggescream be the dessert every
oldest bo\'
tion that ice
ances be raised. Tliis resolution passed
night. Father ventured the opinion that
4 to 2. The next resolution was 'no more family council.' It passed, I'm telling
e\en ice cream might grow tiresome if it appeared on the table e\'er\' night. Mother declared that there is such a thing as a balanced diet and you could hardh achieve a good balance if you limited yourself to the same dessert seven days a week. "But come to think of it. there isn't
—but not by \oting. Family council, forsooth — buncombe!"
you
Everyone Expresses Himself If •
f
a
had understood the uses familv c:- mcil, he might have
n>y friend
11
Childcrah-
Ill
somebody explain
any law that people can ha\e ice cream onlv for Sunday dinner, is there?" Fa-
what
a
ther asked, with a twinkle in his eye. "Wliy, I suppose there's no law, but
Many
Kinds of Learning Take Place
—
well, ice
cream
for
Sunday dinner was
wav we did at home when I was a little girl and I guess I just always have planned it that way," Mother answered. the
One
of the children said that e\ en
if
there was not to be ice cream seven days a week, at least they ought not to have to eat that old apple betty
Mother was
lately.
Mother
reminded the boys that Grandfather had sent them a barrel of apples. W^ith the apples in the basement and bits of stale bread in the breadbox, an apple-bread-crumb dessert had seemed to be heart}' and economical. "One of you big boys might dig around in the cookbooks or \\atch the cooking page in the newspapers for some
new
apple desserts.
I
things to satisfy your
Mother
The
run out of ideas for
he-man
appetites,"
suggested. ten-year-old
volunteered
that
"anvthing would be worth it to get rid of that dead old goo we usually have."
The
eight-\car-old, like
many
eight-
was beginning to be a master of the art of trading and compromising. He had the inspiration that ice cream could make its appearance on the familv year-olds,
table at least as often as "that apple stuff."
This plan was hailed as nothing less than the wisdom of Solomon. "So," Father said, "it's ice cream and apple betty, or something appleish, on a matching basis. All those in favor say Aye.
Of
course the "ayes" had
it,
but the
insisted
"matching basis" was.
As the curtain falls on this scene, we cannot assume that this particular familv
mav
ate happih" ever after. ITiere
still
ha\e been grumbling and some teasing more or less good-humored. Nobody claims that a family council settles any
—
question definiteh' and forever.
Consider the values that did come out
al-
wavs making. This statement found support from c\ervonc. Even Father inquired why there had been such a run on apple betty
six-year-old
of
this
session.
Tlie children learned
that you can put forth vour opinion
and
your grie\ances in a reasonably friendly way. They had the highly edu-
air
cational experience of using their wits to
look at a problem from several angles as
they sought to solve
it.
They discovered
working solution in which ever\one gi\"es up something is possible. They also found out, in case thc\' had any false ideas on the question, that a familv council does not mean ganging up on Mother and Father in mob-rule fashion. Mother and Father took time to make explanations. The children learned on what basis Mother planned the meals, and that planning meals takes some thought. New ways of getting along with people, new ideas, even new \\ords and phrases were among the by-products of this session. And all this took half an hour between supper and the bedtime to their satisfaction that a
of the smallest boy!
noteworthy that neither the Mother nor Father in this family ga\e the children the feeling that ice cream for dinner e\'ery night was out of the question just because it is traditionally It
is
children's favorite dessert.
How Can
Manv
I
Interest
My
Family
in
a Council?
families are doubtful about the
Everyone
likes
to
air
his views. The family council table is the place to express ideas, give suggestions, and
complain if you have been wronged.
Monkmeyer
way
you are
a council \\OLild work. If
with the fun and spontaneit\' of famih^
tning it out, start with sonicthuig easy. As a matter of fact, ice cream for dinner even- night or "What shall we do next Saturda\ afternoon
when Daddy
life?
W^ithout some regular time, meetings may be put oflf indefinitely. Hidebound rules are not a part of the plan, but once
has the
dav off?" are typical of the questions that are good for beginners to help solve. Allowances, jobs around the house,
a
month
is
minimum
certainly the
Most
council meetings.
for
families prefer
hold them weekly. Special occasions or emergencies ma\ call for an addito
measures to end carelessness in lea\ing lights burning, can come when the fam-
tional get-together.
group has had a bit more practice. As you tackle the knottier problems, vou will find some that cannot be
ily
worked out
You
e\-er\one's
to
Who
concerned with the matter being discussed and
Everyone \\ho
satisfaction.
ma\- go through a icw weeks or
months when \our family council seems
You need
afraid of these small failures.
yourselves as you talk together.
Compare
be losing
the times
grip.
its
when
the council went well
with the times it seemed to fall flat. Perhaps you can learn from \our mistakes.
How the
Council
Works
Ho\\- can a family council
work
be made to
so that the rights of each
of the family
who
may be
member
retained,
along
is
has to accept
about
not be Listen to
to
Attends the Family Council?
it
Some
directly
some
responsibility
can attend the council meeting. parents may be afraid that the
affairs of
the household will be spread
throughout the neighborhood. If \ou take children into your confidence, they tend to be more careful than if thev listen at keyholes.
What Does the Council Discuss? Anything that affects the family and needs to be worked out ma\- come up for discussion.
117
Mone\ matters
are
a
fre-
amily councils consider
.
.
Shall Sister's allowance include money for lunch?
When
do big brothers look
after smaller
vacation take this year?
What kind shall
ji^lfe^-^ quent
we
ones?
.
.
.
of
.
.-l^k-
topic. Tlie
way the family spends,
and shares its money should be an open agreement openly arrived at. Many
saves,
within a family because of mismanagement of the familv income. Responsibility for spending
misunderstandings
and saxing
is
arise
a joint affair.
Allowances for the children, expenditures within the home, food budgets arc discussed at the council. Unpleasant? It
need never be! Time-saving? Yes. Temper-saving? Astonishingly so. Finances arc only one of the
many
topics family councils can thrash out. In one household there were eight- and ten-
vcar-old girls and tw o-year-old twin boys. 'Hie questions most frequently discussed
centered about play space, free time, and guest pri\ileges for the older children. Arrangements needed to be
made
Thev became
boys.
figuring out ways
own
their
friends
resourceful, too. in
and means
come
of having
to play without
putting too much strain on the resources of a small house. In other families, responsibilities in caring for the house and the children's possessions, or plans for leisuretime activities, may be the chief concern. In
some
families,
arrangements for the use
the telephone, radio, or television need to be made. A place to do homework, who uses the shower in the mornof
ing,
and \vho
gets
it
in the cv-ening arc
often questions that need frequent discussing and reviewing. Nothing is ever settled
once and
for all!
When Do Parents Decide? In many discussions
the children do
carefullv in order not to conflict with the
not have a voice in the decisions.
two toddlers. As the older girls realized what it meant to plan routines and arrangements for a family with such diversified interests, thcv became more willing to help their mother look after the little
better
care, needs,
and
activities of
if
nobody
leads
thcv will have, either.
them
The
It is
to believe
responsibility
would be unwelcome and overwhelming, as it was in the ca-e of Lois. Wlien Lois was eight or
ni-i:.
or ten her parents,
after discussing soi- 2 iinpc.rtant matter,
18
The Family Council "Now you
would turn to her and sa\", cide what \\c should do." ing was that
if
de-
Tlieir reason-
she thought the decision
was hers, she would be more willing to accept anv resulting incon\eniences
more
cheerfully. In later
life,
said that she usually felt
cross with her
it
Parents can \Aork out their differences
inside
was their
not hers, to
sponsibilit\-,
these
mother and father when
herself she kneu" that
settle
She resented her parents stead of feeling closer to them.
matters.
W^en
there
is
a serious
in-
question to
be considered, such as the mortgage on the house, the older children
may
sit
in
on the discussion. Thev can learn that problems are met without panic. At the same time Jack ma\' find out wh\- he is not getting
a
new
bicvcle. Nhirtha
know wh\" this is not for a new dress.
the
moment
mav
to ask
but they do absorb the reasoning
process. Tliey get the idea that questions
can
be approached
problemsolving attitude. The feelings back of such phrases as "You can usuallv find a with
Indoors or out, no mat-
what the job, boys and girls work more
ter
willingly
when
have
they
had a part in choosing what task they will do.
bv discussing points of disagreement when the children are not present. Then many questions of discipline can be dealt with council meetings with the children. Such discussions give children the
m
feeling that rules are
a
made because
tain regulations are necessar\-
are to live together.
They
if
cer-
people
get the feeling,
so necessary- for their security that their
parents are strong enough to guide
and protect them.
Jack and Martha understand that thcv are not qualified to decide the real issues,
this realh"
rc-
she often
Deep
help us in the long run?," "Let's be clear about the next step," or "There are likelv to be stumbling blocks. How will we get \^•a^•,"
around them?" influence the wav a child will work at his own problems, now and as he grows up. Mother and father mav dififcr on the principles of child rearing, but a united front toward the children is essential.
confused and
these incidents occurred.
"Will
119
A
them
fannly council can
actually reinforce parental control.
Working Out Authority
in
Difficulties
any bodv go\crned by
Childcraft
120
democratic procedures rests on competence. Parents are the ones who are
competent
make
to
the decisions on
questions that affect orderly hving together in the family. Discipline is really the teaching of an orderly
As children have
a
rules are necessar\-,
They
are
more
comply with necessary
will-
regula-
Assigning Family Jobs
Everyone has jobs to do
in a family.
enlightening to see the results of a general discussion where evervone can It is
\oice his complaints, put forth his views, and finally accept his just share of the
household demands of its inmates. There may be more co-operation and less dodging of tasks, if the children have a share in the assigning of jobs. Tlie assignments can be made with tasks a
an eve to the special requirements of each child's schedule. Everyone feels more like carrying out plans he or she has helped to make. The chance to make
some
makes
decisions
more, rather than their parents' sarv. If,
less,
the
children
wilHng to accept
word when that
is
neces-
as jobs are discussed, the chil-
dren \'oluntecr for table-setting, snowshoNcling, or bedmaking, they will tend to perform the jobs less reluctantly.
The Values
As questions
of
a Family Council
The Loyal Opposition
The facts
some important about minority rights. They find children discover
out, too, that
safe to disagree,
it is
and
that disagreeing does not lessen family
The
solidaritv.
training of the family
are tossed about in these
own judgment
is
respected,
ground, to school, and even to later life. The ability to work out conflicting needs and interests through friendly discussion is
no small
asset
each
in
the \\ider com-
munity.
As
family
a
thinks
its
problems
through together, that invaluable sense of belonging is strengthened. In the course of time, everyone is sure to contribute
some good
tor gro\^s in his
ideas.
The
own and
contribu-
his family's
esteem as those ideas are accepted. Everyone also comes out with a few impossible suggestions. If the impossible
suggestions are treated with good hu-
much is learned about graceful give and take. The younger children may not mor,
be particularly graceful about taking criticism, but a friendly mother or father can usuallv find some good point in even the most outlandish idea. A small person can sa\'e face with brothers and sisters, and criticism becomes bearable. Everybody Benefits
informal meetings, everybody learns not only to speak up, but to listen. Because his
\ersus parents.
council often carries over to the play-
tions.
manv
is
of living.
chance to see why they tend to be less
resentful of control.
ing to
way
than they thought. The line-up by no means continuously children
friendlier
WTien one
When Everybody
Shares
and hears of the many disrupting influences bearing on reads
the family today
—the automobile,
the
movies, the crowded homes, the working
—
gains respect for the judgment of his
mother
fellow council members. Brothers and
a device like the family council. It in-
who were
feuding 3esterdav mav find themselves on the same side of a question today, and realize they are
sisters
evitablv
it is
refreshing to contemplate
brings
the
family
closer
to-
gether. It does not cost a cent. It works. It
can be fun.
I
THE FATHER IN THE FAMILY
'/^ ^
RUSSELL
C.
SMART,
Ph.D.
Chairman, Department of Child Development and Family Relations, University of Rhode Island, Kingston, R.
"Dear, would you mind taking the children to the office with you today so I can get some work done around here?"
But the pattern of the longest standing, the pattern that is before him most often,
men b\' li\ing with men. The first man a boy knows,
BOYS
learn to be
and
the
one he has the most
chance to copw is his father. Long before a baby can talk, he recognizes differences between his mother and his father. If he could talk, he nnght say: "This is that person with the deep ^oice and the strong arms who lifts me up higli." Or, another time, "This is the one who has soft arms, who cuddles me and talks in a gentle ^oicc." As time goes on, he disco\-ers
other things
that
make
differ-
ences between his parents.
Father
Is
Since the bo\
is
who
the
Model
the son of a father
what his father does becomes his model for measuring all men. Particularly does a bov measure himself, as a man-in-the-making, hv his father's loxes him,
standards. His grandfathers, his uncles, his
men
teachers,
the heroes
of
the
he reads will all ha\e their influence on the picture of himself as a man that he is trying to copv in his beha\ior. stories
I.
is
his father.
Boys Want
to
Be
Men
Nine-\car-old Jimnn' shows promise of ha\ing hair and eves of the same color as his father
when he grows
up. People
comment on the similarity between Jimmv and Jim Senior, but nobodv is realh" surprised. You expect parents and children to be
somewhat
alike in physi-
appearance.
cal
you were to look at the two Jims more closeh', \ou would discoxer similarities not due to hcreditv. Jim Senior grew up in South Carolina and has ne\er If
completch- lost the softness and slowness of his talking. His wife grew up in Minnesota. Jim Junior has spent most of his life in New York state, but it docs not take a trained ear to recognize that he talks more like his Dad than like his
When
he walks, he moves his shoulders and arms the wav his Dad does. He has the same patience and gentle fingers when he takes burrs out of the Mother.
ears of the famih- dog.
Young Jmi may or may not be an Dad when he grows
gineer like his
121
en-
up.
one commented on how much her own husband resembled her father. To a
whom
third person to
made
they
the
looked as though the two husbands were not at all like each other, but that each was like his father-in-law
comments
in
it
some ways. be
Just as bo\"S learn to
with men, so
learn
girls
men hx living what men are
and what to expect of them. A girl whose father lo\"es her learns wavs of receiving and giving affection. The foundation for the lo\e between herself and her husband is laid in her early years. The husband she chooses will represent for her the ideal of what is best in a man. Her experiences with other men as she grows up only add details to the basic picture of men she forms from her like
goes, he links the familiar scenes of home with the great world beyond the front door. He stands for the ways of that unknown region.
As Father comes and
experiences with her father.
Father Brings a Wider World
He
shows sonic signs of turning in that direction, but Big Jim is determined not to force him. He reahzcs that there are lots of other ways of earning a h\ing.
Nobodv can
predict
now what
occupa-
\oung Jim will follow when he grows up. But we can predict with a great deal of certaintv that he will be much the same kind of man that his father is. Big Jim would probably be embarrassed and a little flustered if we told
tion
him
that,
Girls
Want a Man
but
it is
true.
Bringing up children is a job that takes two persons, not just because childrearing takes time and energ\", but also
because children need to learn about both the masculine and the feminine wavs of looking at life. In families in
which father
the breadwinner, he
is
who
the person
brings in something of
The world
the outside world. ness
of busi-
and other people comes into the
timate father.
circle
He
spends so
Our daughters
Daddy
position to see
manv
through of his waking
learn a similar lesson
from us, appropriate to their needs. Part of the picture in each girl's
mind when made up of
she chooses a husband is what she has learned about
her father. ters, five
Anna and Margaret were
years apart in age.
their father
by him.
men from sis-
Both adored
and each was loved deeplv
When
they were married, each
ti\e.
the
He knows home.
better
his
done
to
he mav be
in a
the
wav
interpret
in the outside world. Bei
to figure out a timt:.
1-e.
dren are going oi in a
122
dining car
in a
in perspec-
cause he has tra\eled he ca
He knows how
is
way around outside
Tliercfore,
position
things are
home
life at
in-
famih-
the
of
hours awav from home, that he Like
is
",
1-1.
\i.i
"i
ich
,r
at a
•
explain
lo gi.
how
the chil-
h Ifather's.
ould be hotel, ile can ex-
tlie
^ip
s'
The Father between the monev he carries around in his pocket and the bank checks he sometimes writes. He can tell how the maihnan gets the letters plain the difference
in
the Family to look forward to joyfulh',
said,
comes home.
and away from home. Discipline is far more than correction and punishment orderh' wa}' of else,
the teaching of an
It is
li\'ing.
Above everything
children want their parents' ap-
As we bring up our children, wc sometimes gi\e appro\al freeh- and sometimes withhold it. Sometimes fathers w-ant onlv to pla\with their children, and to leave the job proval.
of keeping the children in line to the
mothers.
Tlicre
is
another school of
thought that operates on the principle that the unpleasant parts of child-rear-
ing should be
left to father.
Then
the
Dad gets home from work becomes to Sam and Mar)- not a time time when
." .
is
.
best for children
when
Mother and Dad agree on how thev expect Sam and Mary to behave and when
— A Two-Parent Job
wrongdoing.
"Just you wait until \our father
Disciplmc
Children learn from both their parents, not only in these minor wavs of living, but also in the bigger moral issues of right and wrong. Discipline is the method used to teach children the accepted ways of beha\ing both at home
for
but some-
thing to fear because their mother has
he brings to the house. Discipline
12
both parents share
in
giN'ing
approval
and disappro\al. Mother and Dad need not use exactlv the same types of discipline. Gcncralh- fathers are stricter with
their children
to give is
and mothers more willing
them the
benefit of the doubt. It
part of our idea of masculine behavior
to have father stick close to the letter of
the law.
It is
part of our idea of feminine
behavior to ha\'e mother be more indulgent. Boys
and
need to learn that men and women sometimes have different viewpoints, if they are to understand what it means to be masculine and what it means to be feminine. In the job of being a father we need not overdo this business of being masculine, llic tough he-man who sits in judgment on his children, \\ho lives aloof from them because he is preoccupied with "man's work," is not our ideal. We need not put Papa on a pedestal labeled
girls
"Father,
\Mio
No
Is
Bevond
pedestal for Papa!
even when he gets down on the floor to play, he remains someone who is stronger But,
and
wiser,
who
protects,
and even
someone guides,
corrects.
Suzanne Szasz
Babies
want
attention, too.
Father's It
is
good
them to have both parents share in taking care of their needs. for
\pproach and also Abo\c Reproach."
Why
Is
the Pal Idea False?
lire otlier extreme, the father
who
is
"one of the boys" with his son and his son's friends, lacks something in his relationship, too. There is a difference in \ears between Jack McDonald and his children. Being older and bigger, he must be stronger and wiser than they are. They need his strength and wisdom when they want protection. Young Bill McDonald mav do a prettv good job of hiding his hurts and fighting for his rights like a \oung de\il when he is with the gang. WHien he gets home he needs a s\mpathetic shoulder to erv on, and a sympathetic ear to listen to his side of the story. If his side of the
the need for protection against the unpleasant feelings that sometimes rise up inside even well-adjusted younggreat
sters
is
and threaten to
o^•er\^•helm
them.
Fears of doing poorly in school, fears of
on the playground come to all children. Fears and hates of the big boys and girls at school, and huge, destructive feelings about things and people are part of childhood. These call for a father ^^•ho failing
can
say,
"Yes, you're in a tough spot.
and see mighty un-
Let's figure this out together
what needs
to be done. It's
wav you do, but lots had that happen to them.
pleasant to feel the of people ha\'e
." Now, how about You don't pooh-pooh their feelings. You don't come out with a pat answer that fits too easily. You accept the w^av .
.
one, Bill needs an un-
they feel and recognize that something
derstanding
person who has li\ed through the same kind of scrape and can now see what would have been the bet-
needs to be done. Then \ou can help them figure out \\hat course of action will be best for everybody. You are a
ter thing to do.
friend;
story
is
the
w rong
Only Someone Stronger
Offers Protection
Children need to be protected from things outside themselves that are too big for them to cope with. Equally
you are
a stronger, wiser,
more
experienced guide \Aho can help \"our children meet their problems. Luckily for everybody, life is not all grim. It need not be s:ricas day in and
day out. Fathers
24
.^an
be fun. Private
The Father and familv
jokes
jokes,
hilarious non-
weak and too. But fun
sense that leaves everybod\" gasping, are
all
part of
life,
that fathers ha\e with their children
is
fun between adults and children. A father is not another child. He doesn't need to act like another child. But he can still spend time with his children.
This affection to them.
\\ ill
be especially precious
in
the Faahly
12
kind of thing. \\x''ll find out from him next time we see him." You want Syhia to keep her curiosit\about all kinds of things. She will not thmk any less of you because of an honest "I don't know." If, coupled with
know," there is desire to find the answer, she will be learning that ignorance is no sin. that "I don't
toaster get hot?" In reply to your
answer
What If Father Makes a Mistake? Sometime Sylvia is gomg to discover that }ou ha\e made a mistake. After all, }ou are human! Unless \ou have been
she asks, "Wliat
Where
too harsh about the mistakes she has
Fathers Are Only
Young S\hia
does it?"
asks,
is
Human
"Why
does the
electricity?
come from? How do they make Ma\be the knowledge she is seeking it
ou
One
comes back
to
Sylvia
think up a question
will
\
in a flood.
day that
stumps \ou completely. Do not tr)- to bluff the answer or to change the subject. Tell her, "I don't know. We'll look it up together in the enc\"elopedia," or, "I'll stop in at the librarv and get a book that tells about that." You may even sav, "Mr. Montgomery knows all about that Luoiiia,
made, you can
say,
"Yes,
I
I'm
did.
was a mistake before it was too late. But that happens to us all. The onh thing to do is to trv to do better next time." If you have sorry that
didn't see
I
it
scolded her severely for her mistakes, or l)elittled her for errors of judgment, or held up an ideal of perfection for her,
\ou tliat
have some difficultv making particular speech sound convincing. will
You can You can
always turn oxer a try to
new
leaf.
sec her mistakes,
Monkmeyer
yours,
and
evidence that you are both
as
human.
You can
take the attitude that most
do the
of us try to
the time
we
shows that
right thing.
Much
of
are successful. This attitude
ou ha\e confidence in xourself. Your children w ill be better able to de\ clop self-confidence if you have a degree of optimistic buoyancy. \
How Can You One
Deal with Anger?
most human things in the world, and one that nobody can avoid, is getting angry. This happens most of the
Father's goodnight kiss makes even going to bed in the dark seem bearable.
Childcr.\ft
126
hemmed
and arc prc\ented from doing the thing you \\ant Father to do. One of the spots where can be especially helpful is m showing often
if
voii feci
his children
how
in
to deal with their o\er-
whelming feelings. But he needs to understand what may be going on beneath the surface. In the process
growing up we adults have learned, sometimes painfully, and not always complete!}, that there are some ways of beha\ing that are unacceptable. against
of
Young
whate\cr
children hit out
them
preventing
is
from doing what the\- want to do. Pretty soon they get the notion that hitting is not permitted, and may even get them into worse trouble. Tlien they substitute "hitting-out" words, sassy words, rude words, for actual hittmg. Even these
words are usually discouraged. Sometimes, with children their
can get awa\-
\\ith the
own
age, they
some
is
may be
situation
the
\\ay
a\oided another time. A few minutes' warning that bedtime is coming up, or that it will soon be time to wash for supper, mav prevent outbursts of anger at
haxing to stop plaving.
mended
is
so
the broken toy
work,
will
it
If
if
the too-
complicated toy is put away until the voungster can handle it, frustration and anger in those situations can perhaps be avoided.
No amount
of
good management
\\i\\
do dwdx with all disappointments for children, but it certainh' helps e\erybody to keep the frustrations at a minimum. W'hen Peter or Bettv are blocked in what thev want to do, \ou can sax, "Lots of people get mad when that happens to them. But \"0u mustn't hurt other people just because you're angry. You'll feel
better
hard
ou run hard, or sock the ball as you can, or something like that."
if \
as
Sa\"ing rude things, being sassv, talk-
name-calling and
the sarcastic wise crack.
ing back are forms of hitting back that
Hitting out against whatever is holding you back is the inevitable response
use words instead of
meet
to frustration. Children ine\itably frustration again
and again
as they arc
growing up, and after they are grown up. need to accept anger as natural but we do not need to accept or permit con-
We
stant hitting-out in children. to teach children that
it
is
Our
job
is
possible to
w a\ s that do no harm and may even do good. We need to teach a double lesson, for children must accept their anger and channel it.
hit out in
A
Reasonable Father Turns
An to be
Away Anger
angrv child needs help. lie needs
shown by word and deed
that he
not an outcast because he is angry. He needs to be shown how he can get rid of his feelings. Adults can look for the
is
cause of the anger.
'1
hey can see
if
there
dren
if
fists.
helps chil-
It
fathers can look at the anger in-
stead of talking back themsehes.
Dad
If
own anger at the sassiCarol will be helped to control hers. Carol will be helped even more if Dad says, "I'm sorrv it makes vou mad
can control his ness,
me when
\ou can't go to the mo\ie. Being rude doesn't make vou feel much better, rcalh, does it? I think vou ." shouldn't go to the movie because
at
sa\
I
.
After giving the real reasons.
Dad
.
can go
on to sav that c\er\bodv gets angr\" sometimes at restrictions, but as people grow up tlic\' find better wavs of dealing uith anger. Then he .an explain some ; id ")r getting good ways people J
•
.
rid of anger.
Children
and
inc
at play as
o\"er again,
?rL.:ti?.:on
:
vcM
the
'
as at '
!l
home.
lia\e that
•
,
school .er ;,nd
cling ol
\^anting to hit out against the people
who
arc restricting them. It helps tre-
mendously to
someone with whom things over. Thev need
ha\'c
they can talk
someone who can
listen sympatheticalh"
to the injustice they suffered,
and agree
tough spot. Dad can ask them what might ha\'e been a better wav of meeting the situation. If they cannot think of anything else they might ha\e done, perhaps Dad \\i\\ be that thev
able to
^^•erc in a
make
a suggestion
out of his o\\n
experience. Thc\ get the idea that
Dad
does not disappro\e of their being angry, but is tr\ ing to help them. Fathers are just as helpful when it is a question of such feelings as jealousy.
The
chapters in the section Relation-
ships
Among Children
in
the Family,
\olumc, suggest whys father can
in this
Devaney
deal with the jealous child.
"Easy does
How Can You
with your children before thev are or eight or ten vears old, vou
mav
fi\"c
find
it
Taking care of young children is man's work as well as ^^•oman's work. Even diapers and bottles are not below the dignit\- of a man. They may be rewarding to a father, for they give him opportunit\- to watch difhcult to get close to them.
his child's pcrsonalit\- unfold.
Later on you can play blocks and balls and "tea parties" with them. There arc
be read and told. You take the lead from what vour children think is fun. Yon do -'// a\s need to show them a \\ f. n •. c.:tch the ball or pile the Y.-. '.-L'k r-ii., them with vou stories to
'
•.-
That's the girl!"
When
Father is beside you it is easy to be brave. Father is a source of courage.
Share Interests?
Sometimes fathers sa\" that when Belle and George get to such and such an age, thev will begin to do things with them. But if \ou do not make friends
it!
A
zoo or the park with Dad somehow makes the animals or the boats seem different from what the\' are when Mother leads the way. Some fathers can arrange to take their older children along with them on short trip to the
Sometimes Mother goes awav for a week-end \isit, and Dad takes over running the house. Meals are probablv different, and maybe the beds do not get \acations.
made. Linda's braids ma\- not be as neat and tight as when Mother docs the hair fixing, but c\cr\bod\- is still well and happy when Mother gets back. She is refreshed b}" a change from cooking meals, making beds, braiding hair, and all the rest.
'
when
\ '
v.ew cui
,
I/O
S:i0pping
1
jr hinges for the
oarcis or seeds
or the garden.
127
Father's Hobbies Fascinate Youngsters
Being close to your children
is
basi-
Childcraft i8
rememaffair. Always cillv 1 dav-to-dav Ins cannot keep np ber tta a eluld aetm Xre ?s, even m an absorbmg nou arc adult can. NMide
thm^
lone as an getting the the peas, or
;Sg
fsirkle readv,
Mvm
alongsiQc Phil works right
om home
probablv
bntittesnotmeantliathisab.li>to low for a Ucl concentrate is abnormally able to stick Later on he will be time, becanse he hctoing for a longer to see the finable to wait longer
nag
will
can work along
w.h
When
m
their^arcnts.TOsispartofgrowmg^^^^^^ your children .11 be In their adult lives, with people hvmg and working more vour age. own age than with people
from his efforts, him do the rough nean that von let take over and put work, after which vou on the piece of woo a satnv finish per ormancc Sometimes vou let his ha^e the satisfaction stand. He needs to
result
their
age-mates are then get along with hke, and how to oi are seven, eight, begins ^^•hen children on keeping nni vears old. If vou insist then, thev NMll be close at
them
achieve.
vou
have earns the familv livmg
how Dad understanding of what that much more understandDad IS like. Thev have more general, too^ WT^atever ing of men in ofHee, the f acDad does everx^ dav at the it is tor^
or
shop
is
glamorous because
see the place
what -mv Dad" does. To time between where Dad spends his to see the tools breakfast and supper, perhaps even to and instruments he uses, does more them, makes what he use
real It
is
good
to
know he
is
doing some-
them
ventmmg
own world Jhev
are available. If preach at them, or
vou
if
alwavs
who know something about
home
are lonship even, as thev
,nto their
Is Exciting
own
handicapped later on. vou loosen You need not fear that as vou are losing vour the apron strmgs vour steadvmg children. Thev need vour compan^ hand, vour wise counsel,
than the
Children
their
Learnmg what
of his labors rather of seeing the results vou can craftsman's touch that
Work
it
school thev children get into clubs and gangs become interested though thev ucrc Sometimes it seems as are alwavs bus> never at home. The. doing their own age, with voungsters want to share xMth things thev do not
for an appreciable vou at vonr hobby have to remember °, gth of time, yon perexpect a pcrfect f vou cannot prize-winnmg produc to fonnaiicc or a llns does not
Father's
to his children
Let Them Go To Keep Them Close.
be
^'^^r.t!ph..
all
doing seems nearer thev understand it.
for a
flitting
Even though Dad is awav he during the dav, what
heir jobs, too.
he is off on few minntcs. Then he comes his own. Later an idventnre of IS pmg^ ^Wfo: another spell of "heof l«s h^lp. makes him
on
some
Aem
av^or
.
•,s
people in that helps other makes It possible for
or
out
will turn to
vou do not complain to
ideal for hold up an impossible
vou, too.
to them, thev will feel closer perfect father You do not have to be a You make mistakes. to be a good one. and hen. httle foolish now
You You
feel a
are onlv
human,
after
all.
But. be-
warm and You are
are also nig human,' you lovable. frfendlv, lo^lng and
wise at
some times and meonsistent
others.
You
at
bv turns cross and paand stern and tender^ tient, and jokmg that arc And vou find many moments are
richlv rewarding.
RELATIONSHIPS
AMONG CHILDREN IN
THE FAMILY
I
17.
SOMETIMES RIVALS. SOMETIMES FRIENDS
18.
BUILDING FRIENDLIER FEELINGS
19.
CHALLENGE SOME COMBINATIONS ARE A SPECIAL
can Children growing up together in a family one andevelop a basie loyalty and fondness toward brothers and sisters other. Friendly feelings toward and when they ean enrich life for your children now are grown.
o\er Feelings about brothers and sisters carry throughout life. to feelings about other associations thought and effort It is worth devoting considerable to
cultivation
the
of
friendliness
and fondness
the children in the family. Tliis cultivation necessarv, as the forces that make for resentment
among is
are strong
and deep.
forbid or root out rivalry or jealousy, but through your attitudes and the arrange-
You cannot
ments
of family life
bounds.
you can keep them within
II.
1.
1.,
SOMETIMES RIVALS, SOMETIMES FRIENDS EDITH
G. NEISSER, B.A.
Author, "Brothers and
FEELINGS
of brothers
and
of sisters
are
sisters,
and
sisters,
Sisters,"
or
or of brothers
with the weather, there are signs that point to eoming storms or nnldness. There are, too, eertain periods as
when emotional
hurrieanes
may be
ex-
peeted. "I'he
relationship of ehildren in the
weather in )ne important respeet, for something can be done about it. If vou understand 'he eau'.-e.^ jnc the nicanmgs of the varivnzied anger to ation' from n protective ten' rj.ess. ou are in a posi'1 tj aet. Y. 1 ran t ^1 steps to reduee family
is
totally unlike the
;
'
•.
111.
moments and
the blaek, eloud\-
to foster
the sunnv ones.
and brothers, toward one another, as \ariablc as the weather on an April
daw But,
Highland Park,
Rivalry
Has
Causes
Justifiable
There are man\- reasons wh\" ri^al^^• and resentment pla\' a part in the wav all ehildren feel about their brothers and sisters. Every child would like to have exelusi\e possession of his mother and father. Small ehildren cannot understand that the supph- of parental affection
is
enough to take care of two, three, ten, or more sons and daughters. In
elastic six,
the thinking of the two-\ear-old or the six-year-old, lo\e
He
believes that
another
131
chocolate bar.
is
like a
if
a portion
member
of
the
is
gixen to
family,
that
Childcraft 132
Should Competition Be Ruled Out? forbidding conIt might seem as if
original owner. much less remains for the happens You are familiar with xvhat
would do away with jealousy and rivaln-. But feelings are not subject
petition
stop one of vour xvhen vou step in to another, bven children from mistreating the wrongdoer, a new as vou plead with vietim. "Don t make wail arises from the you talk upstairs. I won't let
Bud
led to beto regulation. If children are high-spirited lieve that their normal, drive to be
go
the}- find
him."
cross to
lovaltv are
Aneer and Sueh contradictory the same instant. side, are one ot feelings, existing side by behavior.
which
ex-
plav a part in the relationships the family. Tliey ist among children
m
resentment beare a second cause of basicallv fond ot tween children who are
one another. Another reason
.
for jealousy
is
that a
receiving end to small person prefers the giving end of any relationship.
A
the
certain
amount
of giving
is,
one way or
along ^^lih another, a part of getting brothers and
sisters.
grow Consider, too, how children who continuously up under the same roof are they get together, and how frequently It should be rein one another's way. membered that the ver\- competitive-
communicates ness of present-day living youngest member of itself to even the
disgrace.
riN'alr\-
They
are
are the
no cause
for
natural conse-
quence of being human, of being childWestern W^orld like, and of living m the Once you have in the twentieth centur\-. accepted the inc\ ings
among
itability of these feel-
friendliness better able to culti\ate the and affection which arc also a force
gether.
children
who
are growing
up
down
parental
hesitate to
if
dis-
ti\-
out
quatclv equipped to cope with the world. Should You Protect Your Child from Competition?
Some
to-
parents,
and some
teachers, too,
have gone to the opposite extreme and use of children's spirit of competo stimutition to enforce discipline or
made
For example, have you ever been tempted to say, "If you want ice cream for dessert, then you'd better be a good girl like vour sister"? achievement.
late
Too much competition can be aging,
and
can
increase
discourrivalry
the
among members of the family. Children who are allowed
to
meet
shghtlv competitive situations as they
from time to time
are likely to de-
feelvelop the capacit\- to live with their small ings of rivalry. It is as if these
of competition serve as inocuto take lations. Tliey make it possible comthe ine\itabiy increasing doses of
amounts
petition.
children in the family, you
have taken a first step toward keeping you will be rivalry within bounds. Then
among
may
wrong, and
If a alwavs afraid to assert themselves. suitable child cannot assert himself in wavs at appropriate times, he is not ade-
arise
the familv. Jealousy and
brings
is
powers in any \\ay. Tlie\- may grow are up to be the kind of timid souls who
feelings
inconsistent
Tliese
or best
their
human
in shaping the strongest forces
it
approval, they
at
both present
first
Nev/ Babies Are Puzzling degree of rivalry- and the amount family of friendliness the children in a not always feel toward one another are the the same. Tliev shift and change as their relationships of the children to
The
Doubts mingle with pleasure as the older child meets the new baby. "What's so wonderful about her?" is likely to be a question that arises often in his mind.
parents also change from } ear to year. The resentment a two- or three- or four-vear-old child feels toward a bab\-
is
new
especialh' intense, because small
children are so possessi\e about their mothers and fathers. Whether or not a
voung child puts the
feeling
into
words, deep inside himself he wonders, "If I were all right, why would they
baby?" Or "If I were good enough, this wouldn't ha\e happened."
want
a
Hibba
When
Should a Small Child Be Told a Baby Is Coming? It
is
not eas\
new
accept the
for a
baby.
young child
No
— to
make
—nor need
three- or a
a
matter
may
careful \our preparation
cannot alwa\s hope
And
no time should a small person be led to believe that he made the decision to ha\'e the bab\-. Don't get \ ourself out on a limb h\ predicting whether it will be a bov or a girl. In fact, the one thing
to
how
be,
}ou
you try
four-year-old
at
statement that will make oungster feel he has been intentionally
to avoid
when the new baby are some ways of ap-
completeh- jubilant
a
arri\es. Still, there
misled.
proaching the whole question that ma\'
keep the CNcnt from being too o\crwhclming. The announcement about the new babv does not need to be made long months in ad\ance. But when a small child is told is not as important as what is
told or
how
it is
told.
Wlien the
an-
new baby should be made depends on how old the child is and on what changes are being made in nouncement
of a
\
is
an\-
Rearrangements of beds, play space, or routines are best made long enough in ad\ance so that the child is accustomed to them before the babv is actuall}- on the scene. B\ all means let him talk about the bab\'. Answer his questions, e\'en though the same one is repeated
fiftv
times. If possible, let
him
see other babies being bathed, dressed,
and nursed. But all life need not \ohe around the coming exent.
re-
the household.
Honesty
Is
the
Only Policy
"Why Does My
Four-Year-Old
Act Like a Baby
Now?" had done
No
matter what the age of the child, you can be honest when vou talk about the new bab}-. It will not be a "nice little pla\ mate." Nor will it be "your baby."
The
Ferrises
all
things to prepare four-year-old
the right
Tony
to
be a big brother. Yet, six weeks after the baby arrived, Tony was insisting on
133
can get Mother to feed me. at least I'm sure of her for a few minutes." So runs the reasoning of the youngster who feels pushed aside because the new "If
I
gets so much tention and love.
baby
at-
refusing to feed himself
confidence in him, and that he's pretty important to you even though you and
wetting his bed at
his father
from a
lia\ing his milk
Ferris
and
bottle.
He was
and he was even night. Mr. and Mrs.
were disappointed
—
Fortunately, the children's doetor to
whom
Mrs. Ferris took the baby for the monthlv cheek-up was accustomed to this sort of backsliding. Consequently, he always inquired about the welfare of the other children in the famih"
when
he examined the babies. When told of Tony's reactions, he reassured Mrs. Ferris by saying, "Tony's responding the
way him she
lots of
as
if
them
do.
You
you love that baby
Tony
looks to
his
just
because
will
helpless.
figures that the
grow up. Growing up he knows you and his
abilitx" to
be easier if father love him."
one who is the most helpless gets the most loxing. Probably, without saving it even is
own
it
see,
to the baby.
Let Ton\" drink out of a bottle for a while, if he wants to. You'll spend less time feeding him than battling to make him feed himself. But be sure to keep emphasizing the fact that this is just a temporary state of affairs. Tell him, 'It's more fun to be grown up and to feed vourself. I know you'll want to do that soon. It's more comfortable to be drv.' That sort of line will help him keep his self-respect as well as his confidence in
in theniseh'es
Ton\
in
do pav attention
Peculiar Behavior Is Not Unusual
Tony feels that there knockmg himself out trying
to be
E^er^thmg ma\" go smoothlv when the hab\ is tin\. Resentment often
big and strong and independent
when
reaches a peak
to himself,
use
is
no
the baby gets attention just by yelling." Is to
Be Expected
In answer to Mrs.
how
to deal
Ferris'
menace.
It
helps to
the underlving cause
question
w ith Tonv, the docexplained: "Don't make him tor ashamed of himself. Let him know vou arc on his side. Let him feel \ou have
about
the bab\- begins to
become a remember that
crawl or walk, and seems to real
Backsliding
when
same
is
prett\
much
the
in all these instances. Tliese chil-
dren are afraid of losing the lo\e of the parents who are all-'mportant to t]i?in.
A
child can be reassured throng])
Mother and Father
134
sav
and
dr
what .-md
To a two-year-old or to a four-year-old, it seems as if babies get everything with no effort at all. But many hurts are healed if Mother takes time to cuddle the older child.
By
tlirough affectionate attention.
ing
Mother
casionally, is
or Feather
he learns
N'aliied.
still
hav-
to himself, oc-
all
in practice that
Then he
far
feels
he less
forlorn.
Events Are Often Misinterpreted
Routine care of one child may look to a
brother or
sister like a
When
favor.
mark
of special
Kathy and had
fiftcen-month-old
cut her head open in a bad
fall
to be rushed to the hospital, her sister
Gwen, two and a half \ears older, was far more upset for da\s afterward than even
F.I'.Cj
this crisis warranted.
One
night, she
came
parents' room. "If
I
tearfully into her
got hurt in
mv
head,
would }0u take me right awa\' to the hospital and lea\e Kathy home, and would Daddy come home from work to drive us?" she asked between sobs. Only after
several
patient
explanations was
she able to act like herself again.
Older Girls Care C.^irls :>i
Kemp,
Small Fry
of sc en, eight, or ten ha\e a
inrwhcit
y(,.rp.',;..r
for
d'ffev.rl
attitude
Inrt-L.jrs ,>ud ?jsters.
toward
These
girls
are at the stage in their emotional de-
\elopment when imitating ers gi\es
them
mothMothers
their
real satisfaction.
take care of babies; therefore, taking care of babies
and smaller children appears
to
be an interesting occupation, at least some of the time. The motherly feeling that comes with a moderate amount of such care helps a little girl to make a further step on the road to becoming a truh feminine woman. She imitates not only \^hat her mother does, but what her mother
135
feels, as well.
Sometimes the older ones are gentle and protective. But their patience is short-lived and cannot be taxed.
the cxclusi\c possession of this desirable
ladw Now,
boy has one or more older brothers, he ma\- look upon them as serious rivals. Little docs he know that they have grown beyond the stage where Mother is the center of the uni\erse! The small boy is a bit afraid if
a small
of these strong older brothers.
How Much to
Responsibility Should Be Given
Older Children?
Some of these deputy mothers may grow much too bossy. Indeed, sometimes their bossiness only cloaks resent-
ment pushed
aside, for feelings of ten-
Not onlv of him be-
can the\- clearh' get the better cause of their superior size and skill, but also they are an unspoken threat to his position with Mother.
At the same moment that he is awed by them, he is fascinated by them. He learns a great deal as he takes them for models. Again there is the conflicting of opposing feelings!
No
matter
derness and annoyance are present at
pull
the same time.
what the older ones are doing, the younger one raises the persistent refrain,
Bab\-sitting or caring for runabout
children should not be the chief tasks of school-age boys or
along with their
Learning to get playmates is more
own
more
amount and the kind
of responsibility
fun. Tlie
that older sisters or older brothers asto be
worked out
carefully
bility
suitable
amount
of such responsi-
can draw the children closer
to-
Too much authority vested in an sister can make her a petty tyrant,
gether.
older
lliat state of affairs does not
make
a
good basis for friendliness between sisters and sisters, or sisters and brothers, in
childhood or
Little boys arc especialK
Younger Ones Want
devoted to
mothers during the preschool years. 'I'hcy even regard Father as a rival for
to
Copy
Being older does bring certain rights and pri\ileges. These tend to make up for the anno\"ances of ha\ing tag-along sisters.
Tommy, who
is
four,
cannot stay up as late as his sister, who is se\en. Nor can he wander as far alone or use sharp implements as freely as his brother, who is ten. This may be a bitter pill to Tommy, but it is a real fact; and some real facts must be accepted even at
the tender age of four.
Tom
in later \ears.
Jealousy of Older Brothers
their
Why Do
Older Ones?
brothers or
and modified from time to time.
A
too."
girls.
important, as well as
sume need
"Me,
will
tend to resent his brother
and sister less if his parents see to it that he has appropriate four-year-old satisfactions.
the
The
museum,
all-day picnic, the trip to
or the
motion picture that
delights the older ones
may be
too
much
36
.
This,
too,
is
part
of
brotherhood. Scuttling and teasing may be limited, but the cost of forbidding them altogether would be high.
for
Tommy's
feet, digestion,
understanding.
Tommv
temper, or
will find
more
brother or
sister,
must endure
You can
will
then the limitation he
seem more bearable.
ment, and be far better off, if he takes a walk w ith his father to the railroad station to watch the turntable operate, if he eats supper in the back vard with the family, or if he looks at
\ou assure him from time to time that e\eryone was once small. Tell him the welcome neus that he, too, one day \\ ill
homemade
and
real enjo\
mo\"ies of his birthda\- part\'
and gifts of Christmas Day. Like all younger brothers and sisters, Tom may clamor to do \^•hat the older or the lights
ones do. His complaints are not so much because he enjoys their more highhspiced entertainment fare, but because such actiyities stand for the desirable state of being grown up. Still more acute is
the occasional feeling that
also help along the cause
reach the dizzy height of being se\en,
and e\entually twenty-one. But be sure to point out the good things possible right now. It is a good idea to find some games, some projects, some excursions in which the younger ones can take part. If you can sometimes say "Yes" to the ">Ic, ten,
too" wail, things will not look so black \yhen \ou must say "No."
Mother
and Father award greater pri\eleges to
How Can You Handle
the older children
of
because the
older
the crosscurrents in famih"
lationships that for the
You
Youngest
are
can take some of the sting out of
necessary restrictions
if
you
let a
younger
cbiW know that }0u find him just as interestirrg and just as good company as his older brothers and sisters. If the
the Teasing
Older Brothers?
Among
ones are the fayorites.
Balm
if
the
may
tensions
create
re-
some storms
between
school-age
brothers and two-, three-, or four-year-
Older brothers are sometimes heroes and protectors, but they can be old
sisters.
equally notorious as experts in teasing.
Four-year-old
fair\-
princesses
and
pictures he paints, or his performance in
eight- or nine-\"ear-old baseball players
the Infant Choir, are as outstanding in parental eyes as were those of his older
naturally see the world
points of yiew.
137
What
from different one regards as
HibiiS
Small
sisters give older brothers
stiff
competition for Father's attention.
A fishing expedition alone with Dad may make Big Brother resent his sister less. When resentment decreases, there may be fewer squabbles and arguments
too. F.P.G.
I
treasure, the other considers junk. \\'hat
one and
finds sidesplittingh
sound
stale
funnv has
a flat
in the ears of the other.
Differing tastes and interests are
suffi-
cient reasons for a frequent lack of cordialit\'
between small
sisters
and older
Tliere
is
still
another cause for
fric-
between two and six is something of an enchantress, and the object of her enchanting wavs is her father. She wants Daddy's time, attention, and wholehearted approxal. That is exacth" what her older brother wants, too. He is likelv to be at the stage in his de\elopment where Pop combines all the tion. 'I'hc little girl
remarkable qualities known to humankind. To ha\e Dad lavishing praise and affection on that unspeakable smartv, little sister, almost makes anv right-
minded boy doubt Dad's good
judg-
ment! if
who
is
o\er se\en. "W'hen's he go
ing to learn
some
sense?
nc\er saw took him in I
such manners. It's time I hand. He's been babied too long"
is
often Father's attitude, llie boy, \^ho rcallv
is
eager to cut a good figure in his
father's e\"es, ma\" get a great deal of criti-
brothers.
As
bo\"
were not enough, fathers to expect a good deal from a
this
are likely
cism. Smarting under this criticism, he is
likelv to turn
on the \ounger members
of the family, especially the feminine
ones. Rules and Threats Are Useless
\\ hat can vou do
when
things ha\e
e
reached a pass where little sister cannot walk across the floor without brother sticking out a foot to trip her?
An
in-
approach to the problem may be the most effective. It is just possible that what Junior needs is more companionship and less correction from his father. The boy \\ho is having a happv and satisfying life him.>c:lf ma\- have less need
direct
to tease a small 3-\tcr.
38
f
Hi
;t
II!
|;-
Sometimes Rivals, Sometimes Friends
139
that the
How Can You Deal with Outright Fights? You might be successful in forbidding
is
conflicts,
Tlierc
is
al\\a\"S
the possibility, too,
most cherubic-looking little girl herself no amateur at pestering. Per-
haps she needs to know that older brothers have some rights and that their possessions and their confidences are to be respected. Perhaps she, too, needs more opportunities to pla}" with children her
own
More
age.
acti\ities that will give
her a chance to let off steam and that challenge her powers may make her less of a pest and a bus\"bod\- \\herc her brother
concerned.
is
worth real effort to find some common meeting ground for the children. Something they enjoy doing together, even for the briefest periods, can lead the wav to more friendliness a little later on. All these devices may be helpful in anv combination of ages or Again,
it
is
Downs
Expect Ups and
When
there are two or three children
of school age in a familv, their relation-
At times they may be
con-
allies
spiring against the giants of the adult
world,
for
they
are
all
interested
in
independence. At times, too, thev ma\- be good companions, willing and able to assist one another, laughing at the same jokes, llie \ounger ones profit from the experi-
achieving
greater
ences of the older children and learn
from them
They
in all kinds of wavs.
are competitors, too.
ries,
although pushed out of
still
present.
And
a relati\ely harmless
ri\al-
sight, are
ma\ o\er from
yet, e\"er\' fight
who
is
bullied or pushed around h\ plavmates ir
:idulis
.sisters
ri;
:.
mav
and scapegoats and
in turn use brothers
convenient thin) around. as
way
of letting out
something of a relief to a child to find that, even though he comes out with the most \iolent threats, nobody is destroyed or exen crushed b\' what he sa\"S. Mr. and Mrs. Potter belie\ed that there were worse things than name-calling, and e\en worse things than downright fights between children not too unevenly matched. They did trv to limit feelings. It
the
more
is,
in fact,
spirited disputes to such times
and places
as thev considered suitable.
anvbody anvthing worse than a "dope" was not tolerated at the family dinner table, and ph\sical combat was distinctlv discouraged in the living
calling
room.
The
Potters also
made
it
clear that
\\hcn you are angry, instead of pummeling your sister, it might be better to go
out and run around the block.
Thev
frequently pointed out, too, that vou can spank your dolls or smack a punching
toy instead
of hitting
your babv
when he annovs vou. Pounding pegs with a wooden hammer rather than pulling sister's hair in moments of frus-
brother
was strongly recommended, even to the youngest member of the familv. Good manners did not automaticallv become customarv among the small Potters as a result, but the children did find tration
Old
not be due to resentment left the earliest \ears. A bo\- or girl
too high a cost.
far
accustomed to the more restrained interchange of adult pleasantries. Words are
ship usuallv has an "on again off again" quality.
at
Squabbles and name-calling are usually less important than thev sound to ears
Therefore,
sexes.
•
but
out that there are times when a slight degree of control is desirable. Thev also gradually discovered that getting angn-
one
another
was
not considered \\rong. Wliat you did about \oui angn
at
r
Childcr\ft
140 feelings
was what incurred parental ap-
storv or a little quiet conversation. Lis-
tening to music for a few minutes with
pro\al or correction.
the children
y
Forestalling Trouble
While one
the
child cannot be allowed to
get the worst of things
on
all
occasions,
the children can work out most of their disputes w ithout adult interference. Parents probably can tions
more
tions
where
promote good
effectiveh
if
rela-
they a\oid situa-
difficulties are likely to arise
than if they tr\' to stop a pitched battle. Before the children get so tired, so hungrw or so o\erstimulated that tempers are touchv, \ou can often provide glasses
of
fruit
juice
or
some
some
carrot
but pleasing occupation. It mav be worth while, both in terms of present peace sticks,
or
and future yoii are
suggest
quieter
friendliness, to stop whate\"er
doing and take time out for a
air
max head
off
trouble
when
begins to crackle with the light-
ning of an oncoming storm among them. Sometimes \ou can point to a tactful, face-saving way out of a difficult situation when two or three are ganging up on a brother or sister, or are excluding him or her from the absorbing secret
moment. You cannot hope
of the
keep the climate of your home continuallv fair and warm. It is worth tr\"ing to understand some to
changeableness throughout the day, and throughout the changing seasons of a child's emotional of
the reasons for
its
may be able to moments when children are
development. Then you
make
the
friends at least equal, or e\en ber, the times
when thev
outnum-
are ri\als.
Music and a quiet time the children can enjoy together may avoid trouble the end of an afternoon of strenuous play when children are tense and tired.
at
Bibbs
BUILDING FRIENDLIER FEELINGS JOAN KALHORN LASKO,
Ph.D.
Formerly, Clinical Psychologist. Children's Mental Health Center, Columbus, Ohio
THERE
arc
friendlv
many sound
feelings
bases
brothers and
for
between children
sisters
influence
feelings
these children will have about one an-
same famih-, but such feelings need cultivating. Brothers and sisters, or sisters and sisters and brothers and brothers, are not alwavs fond of one another just because they haxe the same parents and share the same home. Just because they must share their parents, their to\s, even their clothes and their candv bars, children growing up together in the same familv are frequently argumentative, jealous, and resentful of one another.
other
in the
all
through
ships reach ster treats
still
and
life.
Earlv relation-
How
farther. is
a young-
treated bv the other
children in the famil\- helps to form the pattern of his beha\ior toward school-
mates and neighborhood chums. Later, he may even transfer to the other fellows on the job, or to a marriage partner, the attitudes he had toward the bab\
who
"always had
sister
own
who
alwa\"s
it
easv" or the older
managed
to get her
wa\-.
Feelings about brothers and sisters are
Create a Friendly Atmosphere If
built out of the incidents that
day in and dav out. At dinner. Dad wants to tell his wife how his emplover reacted to his request for a changed va-
the frequent and conspicuous lack
of affection
among vour
children dis-
turbs \ou, take comfort in the fact that it
is
their parents' lo\e at
who
are sure of
who can
afford to be
usualh" children
Mother thinks the latest washing-machine breakdown may mean cation schedule.
odds with their brothers and sisters. It is worth gi\ing considerable thought
and
a big repair bill, or
new machine, and
effort to the cultivation of friendlv
feehngs.
The importance
even in\esting
in a
she would like to
dis-
cuss that problem. Junior was asked to
of friendliness
pitch
for
the fourth-grade team,
between your children extends bevond
dreams of pitching for the
having peace dinner table.
Five-year-old
in
the nursery or at the
Earlv
experiences
happen
Jane is whether she left her
with
and
Little League.
worried
new
doll
as at
to
the
L41
J
keep
in
mind
in thinking
about the
re-
lationships of the children.
Can You Avoid If
brothers and
be loved "as much as the others." but to be loved in a special way is every child's heart's desire. just to
some other
neighbor's or in
baby has decided that night to settle
down
this
The
not the
in his crib upstairs
\\ithoiit a doleful serenade.
the floor and for
The
place. is
how
WTio
gets
long?
this
no "right" way of handling situation, or other situations where
the
needs
There
children arc to grow up liking one
another reasonably well much of the time, they need to know that their parents accept each of them as he is. If you giye }Our children the feeling that you like each one just as he or she is, each one will in turn feel kindlier toward
Keystone
Not
is
child
a
few characteristic ways of dealing with the pulls and tensions of family life. This character-
puts
much
istic
beha\ior
is
a
often described as the
"family atmosphere."
same family atmosphere that large!}' determines whether Bill and Tom, brothers aged six and four, are pals more often than antagonists. FamIt
is
this
atmosphere, too, tends to shape the attitudes of Bill and Tom toward their sisters, now three months and a year and ily
a half old.
The
small
sisters,
in
their
respond in accordance with the general tone of the surroundings thev soon learn to know well. What Children Need from Life and Discipline
turn,
FOR Self-Reliance
in this
a general picture of a
yolume
giye
good home atmos-
phere, but there are special points to
witnesses repeated eyi-
boy so much, and we well
Each family works out
who
"we wanted
again and again the phrase
may
members
family
sisters.
dences of a parent's preference for his brother or sister has serious reason to doubt his own worth. He has good cause for resentment and he is likel}- to behaye in ways we label "jealous." The father who cannot resist the coy charm of his little girl need not be surprised if that same charm makes her brother "hopping mad." The little girl who hears
clash.
of
Favoritism?
It is
wonder
if
yalue on
finally got
her mother really girls.
to be expected that children
cuter and
one"
more rewarding
seem
one phase of one child
at
than at another. The traits ineyitably hold more appeal than another's. One child reminds you of something you prize in yourself, or in a lo\'ed
member of the family. Another child may remind you of the ver\- qualities you like least in yourself or in others. There is no reason to feel guilty about such altogether human and unayoidable attitudes. But you can still make an effort to meet each child's needs. You can still
giye each a sense of personal worth.
It is
possible to ayoid the kind of full
time fayoritism that leads the other children to remark, "He can get away with anything he's Mother's pet." You can
—
test
42
your
own
altitudes.
Ask
yourself, "If
does not "Fairness" "the same for each one," but rather
mean that
each
will get love,
and
care,
attention as
he or she needs
it.
Gushing
an argument, a broken dish, a job undone, do I automaticalh" assume
there's left
ou w ill probabh not go far wrong. The children themsches will tend to be less insistent on mathematicalh' equal di-
A
one child is to blame and the other innocent? Do I find it easier to say 'yes' to one and 'no' to another?" In big affairs requiring ning,
conscious
most parents
decision try
to
new
Most
more
lets
according to his needs.
who
if
the
them know
taken care of
The
se\en-vear-
enough affection himself is less likeh to be troubled if Little Sister cuddles up to Daddv. lliere arc times when one child or
old
par-
be apportioned
In the "tri\ial" dav-to-dav
justice.
home
that e\erybod\- will be
plan-
clothes, special les-
sons, or vacation trips
with
atmosphere of
be scrupu-
lously fair to all the children.
ents insist that
or
visions of candv, toys, or kisses
gets
un-
another needs special comfort or special
biased, but a child can cope e\en with a
vou gi\c that attention freely and cheerfully to each as he needs it, rivalry between the children tends to be cased rather than heightened. Is it fair to spend the afternoon reading to Chuck, whose leg is in a cast,
matters
it
is
difficult
open favoritism,
situation of
that he, too,
is
to be
if
he
attention.
feels
appreciated.
Can "Fairness" Be Overdone? So much has been said about not playing favorites, parents ha\e been told so frequently that they should be impartial, that almost every mother and father
If
while his brothers are pla\ing outdoors? Clearly,
it
would not be
to let reading to
fair or sensible
Chuck
interfere with
occasionalh- finds herself or himself car-
having supper read\ for the
rying the idea of being fair to extremes.
the children alike often
But this afternoon. Chuck's mother had some time free to spend with him, and it would ha\e been car-
their friends, "Fran-
rying fairness too far to feel that "it isn't
One husband whose by treating teased her ces
is
all
b\- telling
a stickler for treating all the chilequally-,
the
family.
wife set great store
but she treats some of them nu)re (.qually than others." If you keep in mind that because each /f \ oai children lias a different temperamcr- 1, each w ill also have different needs, dren
rest of
fair
to
the others for
me
to
read to
Chuck
for two hours." Bv spending the time with Chuck, she was not taking anything away from the others. Parental
.
143
and attention, fortunately, can expand to meet such emergencies.
affection
Childcil\ft
144
Obxiously, what he gains in being admired bv adults, he loses by being teased or scorned b\- his brothers and sis-
Comparisons Are Odious
cither.
Probably the biggest single contribution that could be made to friendliness within anv family is for parents to drop
ters.
from their \ocabulary those deadly statements comparing one child with another. "Johnnv doesn't whine when he has to take a nap." "Why can't you take care of vour things the way Mary does?" "Bill could tie his own shoes and dress
Marion,
a
"model
child,"
\oiced
Mom
her protest to an adored aunt. "All and Dad like me for is 'cause I put things awa\' get sick it
is
and hang up
and
my
tired of hearing
that Marion's so neat.
mv
clothes.
how
I
nice
They never
notice an\thing else about me.
I
wish
they liked nie, Marion, not Marion-the-
human-carpet-sweepcr." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
M-
TV
^BSi^ii^^^^^^^^l
P wBSMr ^^Tj^^^^s 8k m ^W^^M^fffttK^L^
t I
1 ^9
^^^^^^Bi^k^^S^^
^ijzanne
A
friendly teacher can
far brighter
home, and
when
spirits
make
the going
need a
."^z^
the world
is
rough
at
tonic.
Teachers Can Provide a Balance Teachers arc in a good position to help the child who has suffered an overdose of being second-best at home. They can interpret his behavior and personalitv to his parents. Thev can let Mother and Father know how a child looks to an outsider, how he shows up in positions where he is considered an individual rather than somebod\'s little brother. If
when he
\\as
vour
child took to school
work
to water, the parents
may
first
duck
like a
tend to ha\e high expectations that the second will show exactlv the same interests and aptitudes. If he doesn't, they may worr}' and begin to apply pressure. Thev e\en mav forget their good resolution not to hold up the elder as an example.
A himself completeh"
the
who
teacher
can do
much
senses this situation
to forestall trouble.
She
age." Such comparisons seldom inspire
can help the family recognize the special
the brothers or sisters to be like Johnn\or Bill or Mary. More likely these com-
traits
parisons will set
up resentment. This
resentment mav from time to time find an outlet in a swift right to the jaw (or its moral equi\alent of the highly)
praised brother or
The profit
child
who
the model does not
by being held up
mark the
less able student.
teacher can stress Nancy's ability to
hold a group together when the others begin to fade out on a job, or Dan's flair for telhng a story in pictures. Such talents are just as valuable as speed in do-
ing multiplication problems or facility
sister. is
A
that do
as
an example,
in reading.
Sometimes
it
is
the
Sundav-school
Building Friendlier Feelings teacher, the
Cub
group leader in or e\"en
ter,
Brownie leader, the the neighborhood cenor
one of the neighbors
\^•ho
can bring in a new note when the refrain at home has become wearisome because of comparisons. Bringing Feelings into the
Open
mote
friendlier feelings
among
children
the same familv h\ helping children
in
on day-to-day questions of family
desires
Thev disco\er some of the things they must do to reconcile their own
li\ing.
needs with the needs of other persons. "Shall we go to the beach or shall we dri\e out to Uncle Dick's farm this Saturda\?" That is the question before the
understand better their own feelings about brothers and sisters. Stories and poems in\olving familv situations can be the starting point for discussions.
summer
The
and eight-year-old \ote for the beach. Teddy, the fi\'e-}ear-old, would like to go to the farm to sec the cahes. As the matter is talked o\er h\ the whole familw the
house one
Teachers and group leaders can pro-
145
fine
da\".
six-
that stimulate conversations of this kind.
opinion that "those old cahes will keep until next time." Mother mentions that perhaps she and Dad could take Ted to the farm and the older ones could go to the beach with the neighbors this time. "Then Fll go to the beach," Ted announces. "Go-
A
ing to the farm's no good unless vou
There are stories in Folk and Fairy Tales and Great Men and Famous Deeds, \'olumes 3 and 6 in Childcraft, host of other books for children arc
guvs come, too.
helpful. It is
good, sometimes, to get feelings
when
ou are only six or eight or ten vears old. Sometimes, too, it is easier to talk about feelings in a group \\hose other members give vou sympathetic support when \ou declare off
your chest, e\en
that
"My
big sister
ella's sister.
or
"My
care
is
She thinks
oldest brother
the best. tease
He
ne\cr
lets
\
just like
she's so smart," is
the one
the rest of
I
like
them
I
With such
cahes, but
feelings out in the
1
I
want
to
see
those
guess the\'ll ha\e to keep.
have more fun going with vou." Ted has the beginnings of the idea that certain acti\ities are more fun if I'll
they are shared, and that compromising brings satisfactions in the long run.
Cinder-
me and like to ha\e him taking of me ^^•hen Mom and Dad go
away."
cight-\ car-old \cntures the
It
may
take
some thought and
plan-
ning on parents' part to disco\cr com-
mon ground where
children of different
ages can meet. In everv
mon ground usually
some
will
possible
excursion,
famih that com-
be different, but it is to find some game,
some
stor\-
that
will
open, a teacher has good clues for gi\"ing these children and their parents help in
hold everyone's interest for a time. In this connection, the stories and poems
promoting friendliness among brothers and sisters.
in
What Makes Them Good
three volumes
of
Child-
craft and the games suggested uine 8 can be lifesavers.
in \''ol-
the
first
Friends?
Friendly feelings are an outgrowth of the disco\ery that there is cnjo\ment to
be had through doing things together. Children learn how to get along with others as they voice their opinions and
If
One Another Sometimes the children fail to form
They
Prefer Parents to
friendly relations with each other, not
only because of friction but also because
more
satisfactions are to
be had, with
ClIILDCR.\FT
146 through
less effort,
activities
with one or
both parents. A girl may prefer to be alone with Mother on a shopping trip, a bov to fish with Dad. Even- child needs time alone, for fun with Mother
Dad
all
who
Mother
or
for himself occasionally will
be
or Dad. Tlie child
able to be
more
has
tolerant
with brothers and
and generous
sisters, too.
Any
took time for them to adjust, and to learn all the small day-
were married,
monv
Brothers and
The
child
who
gets along
not yet found enough satisfactions through other chilonly with
adults
has
dren, whether family
members
borhood
playmates.
scareelv
seems worth the
Tlie effort
or neigh-
pleasure
and
in\olved in playing with other
fice
dren.
It
IS
effort
and
sacrifice!
and ^ears sometimes, to become friendlv. Dorothy Aldis' poem, "Little," tells
the story: I am the sister of him And he is mv brother.
But he
To
is
too httle for us
each other.
talk to
So e\erv morning I show him doll and my book. But every morning he still is
My
Too
And
little to
look.
an unending disappointment to the two-, the three-, or even the five-year-old that he continues to be "too
it
is
and
to look,"
little
a liabilitv
is
rather than an asset for such a long time.
Some
of the things
you can do to help
new bab}
the older child accept the chil-
Other
whether they are friends or relati\'es, insist on more give-and-take in the relationship than do parents or other
are ter,
explained in the preceding chapSometimes Rivals, Sometimes
Friends. Is
There
Room
Quarrels?
for
acknowledgment of one child's annoyance with another, or with the parent, can do much to ease tensions, and actually to improve relationCheerful
adults, as a rule.
Companionship Can
We
Expect?
vou were an onlv child, or if vou have pleasant memories of family good times, you may have high expectations for your own children's enjoyment of If
You may
ships.
"You
brother
don't ha\e to play with your
— or e\en
try to find
—
so
else to
attitude that leaves the child
how he
way
could frequently be answered with a frank, loud NO! Love is not a commodity automatically sent home from the hospital with the new baby. It probablv took time for the mother and father to fall in love with each other. Once thev
constant battles
—
him
like
something
expect that enjovment to start almost at birth. "Wliat's the matter don't you Jove your little brother?" you may ask. This question
each other.
need time,
sacri-
children,
How Much
sisters, too,
vears
could carr\' on jointly may seem pale by comparison. The fact that children in the same family do not enjoy each other as much as they enjoy their parents need not be
the home.
for har-
in living together.
activ-
considered a bad sign, so long as they do enjov play with other children outside
make
to-day compromises that
the children
that
ity
it still
to decide
the brother or
sister,
whv not
do?"
is
some
really feels
and what he
an lee-
about is
go-
This does not imply that the parents have to put up \\'\\\\
ing to do about
it.
among
the
children
some rights, too. One mother used to tell whichever of her children were "at it" "Wliv don'l }0u go out in the back vard and argiiv'' Parents ha\'e
—
—then
I
won't ha\"e to
listen to vou."
Small brothers or sisters can be real The privacy the older ones treasure deserves protection at all costs.
pests.
mother anger and that
Tlie children realized that their
capable of onh' a fleeting interest in one
was not upset h\ their
another.
thev eould settle
their
differences
in
own waw Thex" also recognized the justice of her demand for a measure of peace and c|uiet in her own \icinity. Usualh', it seemed too hard to move their
somewhere else just to continue the squabble, and the children would come to terms \\ith less noise and fewer blows.
Of
course there were times
when
this
mother knew that she must step in to see that no one \\as mistreated, for might does not make right. But the children can often work out differences themselves.
Once
Alignments Shift?
ha\e learned something about getting along together, you might hope that the learning would children
put." But spurts in development
eighteen months"
differ-
ence between Dina and her four-anda-half-\car-old sister is suddenh' of cru-
now
cial
importance
first
grade. Little sister
that is
Dina
is
in
labeled "that
bab\" and treated with scorn and condescension.
Dina has
a right to
some
sister's
explorations.
to play with her
ha\ing
She has
own
friends without
sister tag along.
friendlier with her sister, if
If
these rights
now and
Mother and Father
little
girls
play
little
a right, too,
are granted Dina, she will tend to
than
Her
pri\ac\-.
possessions need protection from
two
Why Do
The
be
later,
insist
together as
far
the con-
stantly as the\- did last year.
who has gi\en his sister so much pleasure as being a mother may sud-
Tlie four-year-old se\en-year-old
she played at
denly rebel at taking orders from her. Cleave nc\\- needs. Sisters who last \ear Either she must find new kinds of fun V ethe best of plavmatcs now seem N\ ith him or lose him as a pla\mate, temL47 "str--
Childcr.\ft 148 porarilv. His rebellion
is
a
good sign that
behind. Some he IS ieaNing babyhood Father is caUed help from Mother and for here.
Rather than trying to put
a
defiance and protest, stop to Brother's it is wiser to plan or to Sister's bossiness, these two. more separate activities for the Mavbe the^ nmH not be chunnny
another,
demands
feel
mav need
eursions with
to plan
Brother,
to
some
ex-
watch the
the boats at the trains at the turntable or will not dcNote pier, so that n oung man telling off his his energies entirclv to own of course, friends of his sister.
age,
And,
who
can
satisfv his
growing interest climb-
kind of building, exploring, the hearts of ing and chasing so dear to the cause, httic boys, will help along
in the
is
selfish." It
may be our
rather than the children's be-
to see
will evcntuaih next few vears, but they force them kindlier if von do not
Father
"He
havior that need to be changed. A toddler is not capable of great genahead far enough erosity. He cannot look his that if he lets Tommy use
m
to be together now.
is
too.
be more willing to his wagon. Enlightlet him plav with gradualh" ened self-interest comes about through satlsfactor^• as a child finds out
paints,
Tommv
will
unselfishexperiences that a degree of
ness can
make
more
life
pleasant.
willChildren w ill tend to share more demanded of ingh- if too much is not
them 111 their carlv more willmglv, too,
vears.
They
share
thev themselves youngster, feel secure. A loved, happy who has confidence in himself and the genwill find it easier to be a bit if
^^•orld,
erous. Parents can
remember
that
some
at any things do not ha\e to be shared dolls or stuffed age. Certain precious
animals,
certain
treasures,
beloved
owners, should belong to their rightful them alone. If you require too
and to
sharing vou can defeat your own pracpurpose. But children do need to
much
tice small, safe,
and
rclatiNcly painless
experiences in generosity find the satisfactions
it
if
they are to
can bring.
Keep Your Eye on the Goal be-
F.P.f!.
Only when you are sure of getting enough yourself, can you share cheeris based on fully. Selfishness usually enough the fear that there will not be to
go around.
As we try to balance friendliness disputes tween our children with the of and the resentments that are a part need to their growing-up together, we Insistkeep the long-term goals in mind. devotion at ing on brotherly or sisterly best way the moment mav not be the devotion. to build future 'lovalty and deal can afford to oNcrlook a great between the of coolness and indifference taking children here and now, if we are some of these steps that tend to lead
We
Can
We
Expect Generosity?
Probably one of the most frequent complaints parents make about thenchildren, and children make about one
eventually to better feelings.
SOME 4 COMBINATIONS ARE A SPECIAL CHALLENGE EDWARD
LISS,
Armstrong Roijerts
II.
he becomes the one who dominates. When they can talk, he is the spokesman who announces, "We don't like cereal," or, "We need a playhouse." It ma\- be difficult to o\ercome this
M.D.
small,
Lecturer in Psychiatry, State University College of Medicine, New York, N.Y.
WHATEVER
combinations of ages and sexes are found in families, each combination ^^ill ha\c its strong and its weak points. But there are steps we can take to encourage the favorable features and also to soften the
ad\antagc.
unfa\orable ones.
with the wa\' twins
influence
strong
later
unless
on,
the
slower one a\'oids competition by choosing entirely different activities.
times one twin
more
is
and
ness than the other,
More
Some-
subject to is
usually,
put at a
we
dis-
are struck
resist illness
same time. boy and a girl who
ill-
or get
sick at the
Twins Developing
A
individuality
makes the usual famih' situations more interesting, but also more perplexing. No matter how identical the two ma\ seem to be, there will be inner differences. There are two kinds of twins. Identical
one
twins
fertilized
ha\c dcxelopcd
ovum,
while
from
the same time.
In the case of fraternal twins of the
same
sex, it is quite
usual to find one
larger than the other.
The
as will
both
bigger one
twins of the same sex.
lively children,
easy to lead ities
them
and different
it
will
If the\'
are
be relati\ely
into different activinterests.
Providing for the Differences
WHicn
fraternal
twins have dc\'eloped from two distinct o\'a fertilized at
not tend to be as noticeably competitive
twins
in
arc twins will
rates,
it
twins
dcxelop
at
different
requires extra effort to avoid
ha\ing the weaker one o\ershadowed. Parents, w ith the best intentions, often dress twins alike. The children may be happier in the long run if they wear con-
can easily outshine the smaller or weaker twin. In their earliest years the larger
trasting styles
one may walk sooner or use his muscles
quite different tastes
different re-
more
sponses from twins.
are tensions
skillfully.
While the twins
are
still
and
colors at least part of
the time. Parents can be prepared for
149
and There
She
is
happy
if
her
brothers let her come along, but she must be
a tomboy to
even
ill
this close relationship. If
mind
bers of the famih- keep in
mem-
of that securit\'.
them
the spe-
to
make
if
she wants
follow the leader.
But you can encourage
different friends whene\"er
right to be an
thev show a desire to do so. Common sense must guide \"0u in deciding when
individual.
You encourage them to be indixiduals, too, when }0u talk to them
impose the "second weaning" of separation on the twins.
and about them h\ their names, and not
The first school da\s are usually best when twins go together. Acti\ities awav from home can be similar at first, too. The right moment for separating t\\ins
cial
preferences of each t\\in, each will
feel
he
—
or she
—has the
to
as a unit.
You
can avoid pla\ing up the twinship to such an extent that the children feel
depend entireh" upon their abilit\to stand upon their own two ( not four feet, and the pleasure thev find in the
they are valued only because there
two of them. Each needs to worth while in himself or herself.
are
When
will
feel
company Twins Have Different
Twins can belong from time to time
as
can take care ne\er to compare twins with each other. Teachers, par-
to different groups
The mav be
they grow up.
extra-close flesh-and-blood tics
must guard against this tendAs always between children in the
ticularly cnc\-.
same
preserved, yet the individual difTcrenccs in each child will
of other persons.
We
Interests
family, lo\e
is
deep but resent-
ment can be c\cn more
be allowed to flower,
intense.
lliese occasional separations are good,
One
the two arc quite e\enly matched and their closeness brings them mutual
e\en
if
A
and comfort. If the twins become entirely dependent on one another, thev
aid
may
feel
completely
lost
if
separation
should be necessarv. Twins' security
from
their
young woman of vigor and abilit^' complained that in her communitv life she always contributed the niost constructive ideas,
them
at the
expense
\"et
she was ne\er chosen
She was upset over qucnt disappointment. as a leader.
may come largelv togetherness. You can take
care not to separate
Girl with Several Brothers
Her
this frc
early experiences thre\\" liglil: on her behavior. Edith had two older and
i^o
Some Combinations Are two ^oungc^ brothers \\hose interests, centered in sports. She was treated as a favorite, and at the same time inchided in
As
woman, she combined
in
her dress an attractive tweedy bovish-
with a feminine emphasis upon
ness
dance group. Such a program has brought excellent results w ith other girls in a large
There li\ing
The Eternal Tomboy
but
she
alwavs
wanted to be the leader, lliis trait annoyed not only members of her own sex but also all the men with whom she worked. Edith ehose as her friends among the girls those w ho were \\illing to let her be the queen. The whole picture recalled the tombo}ishness we see in a preadoIcscent
girl.
Edith's unfortunate wavs of
bcha\ing were brought about b\- an intense desire to be like her brothers. She turned her back on the more womanhqualities that
would
made her a member of her
ha\'e
happy and appreciated community. The a\erage man, to her, was someone to compete with and dominate. The a\erage girl was someone to look
down upon.
Such a\oided.
a
could have been tendency for her brothers
situation
The
to treat Edith as
she were a boy could ha\e been discouraged. Activities with if
could have been encouraged. (Icr mother should ha\'e made special
other
girls
her in cooking or sewclothes and pride in her ?.ppc:irance could ha\e been stressed as effcrts to interest ing. 1^'cminin^
'^he
i-ew up. She might have been urged Scout troop, a Camp Fire
to jo: 'I a Ciiil
this
are
adult
lives.
if
understanding and lead
to
One Boy
satisfactory,
skill if
normal
with Several Sisters
among
The
only boy
he
the eldest, will ha\e ample prac-
is
several sisters,
tice in acting the part of the strong
man.
Our world will expect such masculine beha\ior when he grows up. With the encouragement of a good father-son relationship, his numerous sisters mav serve a useful purpose, although he would be the last to admit it when he is growing up! He learns to know the interests and the fa\orite activities of girls. W^holesome fathcrh guidance can curb the impulse to bully the younger sisters. When such a bo\' is old enough to seek the companionship of girls, he will probabh' find it easy to get along with them. If
the
Boy
Is
the Youngest
Should the onh boy be the \oungest or the middle child, he can easilv be-
come Help the Girls Be Girls
household with brothers. de\elop the know-how of get-
thev
manager and ran her home efhShe was intensely interested in activities
of course, advantages in
a
girls
need
excellent
community
family of boys.
ting along with the opposite sex. Tliey
Edith had the reputation of being an cientl}-.
are,
in
Here will
charming hats and dainty shoes.
151
circle, or a
her brothers' rough-and-tumble play. a gro\\n
Challenge
a Special
It
the \ictim of too
much
adoration.
can even happen that, during the
vears v\hen his sisters are their
own adjustments
working out
to
e\er\thing
masculine, thev ma\" take out on
him
resentments they feel toward boys in general. Their "what are boys good for
anyway?" attitude may make him doubt the rightness of- being a man. In the same wa)-, too much mothering from older sisters, too much emphasis on the feminine way of feeling, talking, and thinking can sometimes result in the
Childcraft
152 o\cr
taking
boy's
little
manners he
sees
the
feminine
around him.
Parents can take care that older sisters are neither o\ erprotective nor extremely bossv toward a small brother. In many families, gi\ing the girl, or girls, a puppy has or a kitten to mother and to boss
taken the pressure
How
to
off
the one boy.
Balance Petticoat Rule
These boys need many contacts with men and other boys in their out-ofschool acti\ities. Phil's three li\ely sisters babied him. Too much kindness
on Phil's part. To offset the disad\antages he suffered, his father and a bachelor uncle took him along on fishing and camping trips just as soon as he could travel without falling out of a boat. A boys' camp,
smothered
initiati\e
when he was against
ences at
and
effort
older, ser\ed as a balance
abundant feminine home.
the
influ-
between the two. To a\'oid having the middle child ground between the domineering oldest and the protected youngest requires watchfulness.
Parents can play up the special
abil-
middle child and highlight his contribution to the famih' whene\cr possible. The middle child can ha\c a chance to go places with Mother or Father without the other children. Then he will be more likely to get that feeling of being "special." Everyone needs this feeling occasionally. As the children get older, it ma\' be possible to arraiTge for the middle child to ha\e a week or two, once in awhile or e\^en once in a lifetime when he is the only one at home. His needs and tastes can be especialhconsidered. Don't forget what vour middle child likes best to eat, what her favorite color is, or \\hat team he watches ities
of the
—
—
with greatest interest.
As the children grow
mid-
older, the
dle one often allies himself with
The One
in the
The middle
Middle child has his o\\n trou-
Unless he gangs up with the older or the )ounger, he finds himself squeezed
youngest.
a united front, the
two
can hold their own.
When
bles.
the children are
mother has
may F.P.G.
With
the
a
more than
all
girls,
full hfe.
long for male compan\- and
tomboy out
the
Father
make
a
ters.
one of or all his daughGirls need to kno\\- their father
likes
them because
of
of,
rather than in
spite of, the fact that they are girls.
The\
need companionship from their father e\"en more than if they had brothers.
How About
the All-Boy Family?
In a family of bovs, antagonisms are likeh' to
a family
be shown more franklv than of
girls.
Rivalry
among
in
girls
a "great little mother" grows too bossy with brothers and sisters, give her a pet. Kittens can absorb unlimited If
quantities of mothering.
Nothing like a pillow
fight
when
lively
boys need
to let ofi
some steam!
enough individual
ma\' be equally intense but less open.
al\^avs
Brothers can be great
tween the children to keep
but they can at times be enemies. A group of boys is certainly more of a handful than girls.
There
is
more
more high
noise,
allies,
more
mischief,
life interest-
ing.
Wide
and
Differences in
Age
Great differences in age among the children can bring about many interest-
spirits.
A in
\ariations be-
mother who has been disappointed not ha\ing a daughter mav sometimes
ing relationships.
To
a certain extent,
overprotect one of her sons. Frequently
these relationships are determined by
she seeks in her youngest son the understanding and companionship she had
the causes of the spacing in births.
hoped
female color is needed in an allboy household. Grandmas and aunts should be welcome \isitors. Visits from girl
or
cousins,
opportunities
for
the
boys to \isit in homes where there are girls, add the balance and \ariet\- in such famihes.
It
is
a matter of record that
are seldom reluctant to these jolly households.
girls
wide spacing ma\' be due to some misfortune, such as unsuccessful pregnan-
for in a daughter.
Some
visit
in
In the all-one-kind families there are
The
cies
between the
births of the children,
or to the death of a child. Tlien the
tendency to o\erprotect the youngest is likely to be strong. The older children can be condescending, or they can be resentful toward the youngest. There may be a great deal of motherliness or
on the part of the older children, and it is by no means pure good will. It is sometimes an indirect wa\' of fatherliness
153
CniLDCR.\FT
154 biill\ing. It
may be
interference with the
vounger one's freedom. The younger one, in turn,
may bceome
and develop into
too easily led.
a flabby adult. If the
he can lend a sympathetic ear to the vounger child, for he will not be as distant as the parents in years
older children
become overwhelmingly annoving. the \ oungest may remain in a
ence.
constant state of anger and rebellion.
Respect the Privacy
The Older Ones Can Be Interpreters
None
of these misfortunes
of the
older children,
a point
need hap-
At the same time,
his parents posted.
where privaev
titled to
it.
A
and
Older Ones
who ha\e is
experi-
reached
precious, are en-
heedless voungster barging
hours mav be more than the\ can stand. Parents mav need to take firm measures to protect the older ones, espein at all
where space must be shared. ciallv
It is
hard to
limited and rooms
is
insist to a four-year-old,
"You must stav out of when her club meets,"
sister's
or
room
"Brother's
snapshots are not to be touched unless
he says
it's all
even harder to but that may be the
right." It
enforce these rules,
is
price of peace. Tlie rights of the older
children will be easier to protect
make
if
\ou
sure that the youngest child has
the kind of acti\ities and the sort of fun
I
Great difierence
in
companionship but understanding to
pen.
If
age
.
Ariii.-ifodg U'»
may be a
bar
in the early years,
will ripen in time.
parents are aware of the
risks.
they can guide the children carefullv. It is possible that the older child, al-
though he mav be condescending, not
feel so strong a sense of rivalrv
parents have not let
him
will
if
his
feel that the
younger child is the favorite. Often he can scr\e as a bridge between the parents and his brother or sister. It is he who explains the ideas of one generation to
another.
'Ilirough
his
firsthand
knowledge of the manners and customs of the \ounger generation, he can keep
he can cnjov at his age. Sometimes parents have grown tired of the noise and confusion se\"eral livelv youngsters can create in a house. The voungest one is not encouraged to have his own friends come to pla\". Trips to the zoo and similar outings ma\ ha\e ceased to appeal to parents, but the sixyear-old finds
them
as
older brothers did. It tra
thrilling as his
mav
take
some
ex-
thought to see that these children
who
bring up the rear in the familv pro-
cession have satisf) ing lives of their own.
How Can We
Bridge the Years?
Let US not burden the oldest with too nuich responsibilit\ for his vounger brothers' welfare, or
must
remind him that he
an example lest Junior eop\ his misdemeanors. Somehou" ve overlook set
1 the good qualities Junior also eopies!
Sometimes parents ha\e become a little stiff with the \ears, and physical acti\ities do not come as easih- as the\ used to. Here is where the older brother
^i
or sister can take over.
A
long inter\al between children can be beneficial, for parents can learn b\'
Through their own growth accumulated knowledge thev can and become more competent and more asexperience.
r
sured.
The Only Child
The
only child
is
a child with special
Too much
/'
concentrated contact with adults, with whom he is the
problems.
center of attention, can initiate
him
so
Century
thoroughly into the ua\s of the older generation that he finds it hard to get along with his playmates. He becomes thoroughly accustomed to being the only child among adults. This may make
him
less flexible.
from
He may
also shv awa\
groups because he finds them o\erwhelming. Parents \\ho find satisfaction in their relationship with one another are especially important in the case of the onl\ child. If one parent should attempt to larger
When dren,
found
companionship of husband or wife, it would be harder for the child to grow up emotionalh- strong and free. It would not make for the emoin the
tional health of the parents, either.
mother who is too absorbed in her child ma\ become the pro\erbial o\erproteeti\e "hen with one chick." Tlie
The Only Child Needs Playmates
There are no rixals to teach the onh chud about sharing and co-operating. Tht extra iiT^asure of atTection concentrated on hi' at hone ran £;i\e the onlv
you may need
forts to find
to
make
congenial playmates.
what to expect in the outside world. He has no opportunity to learn that
make
a
it
takes
all
kinds of people to
world. Other children absorb
this fact as the\' learn to get
along with
the different traits and characteristics that are
bound
to sho\\
up
in a larger
famih
From
an onlv child needs plent\ of experiences with other \oungsters. Pla\- groups and kindergarten can be helpful. The onh child needs the chance to learn about sharing, and about being a leader. Most of all he needs to learn about pla\ing a minor his earliest years,
Neighboring children are lifesa\ers and should be encouraged to come and go freely. 0\"ef night \isits are a great treat and gi\c the onl\- child the chance to see what other parents are like. He is apt to ha\e a rather limited idea of how mothers and fathers act, because he is role.
:>:>
chil-
extra
child false ideas of
find in the child the satisfaction properly
only children are lonely
ef-
Childcraft
i;6 unable to see
how
members
difFcrent
Onlv children
his parents react to
of the
same
manv was
family.
are not necessarily self-
of their friends' boys
and
mixed emotions that thev
^^"ith
Tom
ceived the information that
but they are apt to be self -centered. Thev ha\e had no experience in the
on the wa^.
and banter. The mischief which comes about naturally
Older Parents Can Keep Flexible
ish,
gentle art of teasing in a larger family
Thev miss the
is
unknown
to them.
ad\'entures that go with
family conspiracies.
They
are likely to
be greed\- for attention and unwilling to be just part of a group. If parents can cultivate a casual attitude, thev will a\"oid the danger of turning an onh- child into a hothouse plant.
A
amount
certain
good preparation
of easvgoingness for
being part of
After
sional
Many
onlv
be turned out to
more li\ely, youngsters. school and kindergarten were
grass with other,
Nurser\"
of great assistance.
The mother's
con-
sions at parent-teacher meetings, helped
going to
something of a shock. Tlie\are not accustomed to sharing the attention of an adult with other children.
would be
flexible.
now to realize I'ommv is not a
difficult
his
he used to be, and muscles get
as agile as
a bit
change from the undi\ided attention of mother and father,
Tom
a great
become more
beha\ior that member of a large family group. His parents ha\e taken on a \outhfulness along with Tom's growth. Father is not
casualness of e\"en the friendliest is
counselor sug-
a
school
teachers
Tommv
gested that
from
find
parents were
ferences with the teachers, and discus-
School
children
The
help early.
the parents to
arrival, his
was
extremeh' conscientious in their efforts to do the right thing. Schedules were ironclad. W'isclv, thev sought profes-
It
The
Tom's
re-
is
group.
The Only Child Goes
girls. It
stiff
and
canoe
when dad
his
exercised in baseball. ha\^e
found
fishing
and
need to be especialh co-operative and
long hikes in the countr\ good wa}S to be together. These excursions ha\e more than made up for the lack of more strenuous activities. There
patient with onh- children, for the break
is
from home puts
comes from moments spent intimateh in the out-of-doors. Youth has returned
days of school are of great im]3ortance to the onlv child. Teachers ilic first
The Child
Tommy edly
when
real strain
of
on them.
Older Parents
came somewhat unexpecthis parents
and
were in
their late
Their sorounds were clocklike in their regularity, and their ties to each other all the closer because of being alone. In the early stages of their marriage there had been a certain amount of yearning for a forties,
set in their ways.
trips or
a solidaritv in their relationship
which
through the common interest in outdoor activities, and the bo\ has profited by the mellow quality of his mature parent. to the father
*
cial
sire
With
the passing years their defor children had been somewhat
child.
gratified
by being uncle and aunt to
In e\ery one of these combinations of sexes ards, sible
and ages there are possible hazbut in every one there are, too, posadxantages. The good points can
be realized
if
parents
understand the
to take the and the challenge. trouble to meet situation
are willing
I
SHARING PLEASURES
AND
RESPONSIBILITIES
USDA-KoeU. Mookmeyer
20.
SHARING THE WORK
21.
FAMILY CELEBRATIONS
22.
FAMILY VACATIONS
23.
THE FAMILY KEEPS RECORDS
24.
READING TOGETHER
25.
BUILDING
A HOME LIBRARY
Sharing
is
the ke\"note in good famih" hfe.
more vour famih"
is
The
able to find satisfaction in work-
ing and in ha\ing fun together, the stronger and the
more
elastic will the
family
ties
tend to be.
Celebrations, vacations, the quieter times of
reading and remembering together are pleasures that increase
we
when
thc\" are
love.
In order that the
and
small, that are
family
life
come
strength.
memorv
of the exents, great
woven together
in the fabric of
shall stay fresh, families
record e\'ents.
can
frequently shared with those
Out
ma\-
of the shared past
increased family
flexibility
want to
and present and family
SHARING THE WORK DOROTHY
LEE, Ph.D.
Chairman, Division of Social Development, Menill-Palmer School. Detroit, Mich. Triangle
YOUR day-to-day
IXily,
voLi are
living in
your fam-
bringing up children
have to learn skills they will need as men and women. You are making a home, not just doing housework. Through working, children learn skills and learn to get the job done. Through sharing in the family work they learn to co-operate,
to \\ork as
members
of a
team. Through helping vou and doing things for you, they learn to do things for others.
In a happy
and
home
full
of the
warmth
security so neccssarv to healthv de-
velopment, the children are gi\en a full share in whatever mav be going on. That is \\hv you ask the children to help, even though you could perhaps do the work ]nore quickly and easily yourself.
Teaching
who
Even
though \our son makes a litter around the trash can when he empties the garbage, 01 vour daughter leaves puddles on the loor uh'jn she helps you with the scrubbing, y-'u want them to take part 11 t^-c life and work of the family.
Children
Work
to
no \irtuc in just working or knowing skills. Skills are impor-
Tlierc in just
is
tant because the\- are necessary to living.
He who
do necessary things well is free to do creative work. Helping w ith the work of the house is good because it gi\es \our sons and daughters a chance to participate in the running of the famih- affairs. It gi\es them a chance to share in the life of their parents, to be crcati\e, to learn responsibilit}-, to be cooperati\e. In itself, work is neither good nor bad. It may be interesting or boring. WhichcNcr it is, when it is an essential part of something important and enjoylearns to
able, such as getting the family meal,
it
has meaning.
Preschool children see \\ork as part of their parents' li\es. Tlie\" do not separate work from other acti\ities. When thev
59
Childcr-\ft
i6o build tunnels, for
table
make mud
tbeir
dolls,
pies, or set the
they
are
doing
something creative and enjoyable. The} do not call it either work or play. They want to "work" like Mother, and with her. Since this is what her life seems to
h
I
« >
T
*
»•
••«
Can You Correct Without Scolding? Give \ our child w ork that is real and needs to be done. Let him hammer in that nail that has been snagging your stockings. Then he can feel he is doing something that counts. Give your daughter the beans to string. Don't just let her wash pea shells that }ou arc going to throw awa\- later. Wlien she has washed the beans, doing her
fi\e-,
or se\'en-, or