Mental Training: Use These Brain Training And Mental Toughness Techniques To Develop An Unbeatable Mind, Learn How To Have Unlimited Memory, Gain True Grit, And Have A Training Mindset For Life 9798705219452

Table of contents :
Introduction
Chapter 1: What is Mental Toughness?
Defining Mental Strength — Toughness & Resilience
Defining Grit
The Seven Cs of Building Mental Resilience — Your Foundation for Mental Toughness & Grit
Competence
Confidence
Connection
Character
Contribution
Coping
Control
Toughness is an End-State, Resilience is a Process
Chapter 2: Trust, Connections & Confidence
Laying the Foundation For Confidence
Take Care of Your Body, It’s Where Your Brain Gets its Resources
Take Care of Your Living Space
Make Failure a Step Forward
Using Trust and Assertiveness to Enhance Your Connections
Why Build Trust?
Trust-Building Techniques
Assertiveness
Chapter 3: Keeping Your Word to Yourself – the Unsung Toughness Technique
Why You Should Give Special Attention To Self-Trust
Making Habits
The ‘Why’ of It
The ‘How’ of It
Goals
Chapter 4: No Need to Pretend Everything’s Okay – Guidelines On Cultivating a Practical Positive Outlook for Enhanced Resilience
What Does it Mean to Have a Positive Outlook?
Cultivating Positivity
Harness Your Knowledge of Habits
Make Friends With Gratitude
Chapter 5: Solidifying Independence
How to Rule Your Criticism and Stop It From Ruling You
Further Tips on Controlling Criticism
Furthering Emotional Resilience and Independence
Set Aside Some Solid Me-Time
Asking For Help… Independently
Chapter 6: Using Self-Talk and Deeper Reflection for Further Growth
What You Say to Yourself Determines What You Believe
Positive vs. Negative Self-Talk: A Closer Look on Why to Avoid the Latter
Support Your Self-Talk, and Let Your Self-Talk Support You
Use Mindfulness to Enhance Self-Talk
Fundamental Reflection Tool #1: Journaling
The Role of Journaling in Mental Training
Tips for Successful Mental Health Journaling
Fundamental Reflection Tool #2: Meditation
How to Begin with Meditation
Chapter 7: Guidelines on Transforming More of Your Challenges From Threats to Opportunities
From Obstacle to Stepping Stone
Confronting Fears of Failure
Putting Procrastination on Hold
Remember: Your Abilities Aren’t Set in Stone — They’re Always Growing!
Novelty
If at First You Don’t Succeed: Why You Should Always Reframe Perspective
Tips on Reframing Perspective
Chapter 8: Assuring Independence & An Enduring Sense of Purpose
Getting More Deeply in Touch With Your Core Self
Using Exploratory Questions
Reaffirming and Reinforcing Your Sense of Identity
Identity in Attachments
Chapter 9: Grit, Passion & Persistence
To Become Grittier, Weave Passion Into Your Life
Tips on Unearthing More Passions
Enhancing Persistence Further
Chapter 10: A Training Mindset for Life
Keep Acquiring New Skills
Tips for Breaking Down the Learning Process
Useful Resources
College Level Examination Program
Duolingo
Skillshare
Useful Websites for Help in Mental Training
Conclusion
References

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MENTAL TRAINING Use These Brain Training And Mental Toughness Techniques To Develop An Unbeatable Mind, Learn How To Have Unlimited Memory, Gain True Grit, And Have A Training Mindset For Life By Addison Bell Amazon Kindle Edition

MENTAL TRAINING © Copyright 2021 - All rights reserved. The content contained within this book may not be reproduced, duplicated or transmitted without direct written permission from the author or the publisher. Under no circumstances will any blame or legal responsibility be held against the publisher, or author, for any damages, reparation, or monetary loss due to the information contained within this book, either directly or indirectly. Legal Notice: This book is copyright protected. It is only for personal use. You cannot amend, distribute, sell, use, quote or paraphrase any part, or the content within this book, without the consent of the author or publisher. Disclaimer Notice: Please note the information contained within this document is for educational and entertainment purposes only. All effort has been executed to present accurate, up to date, reliable, complete information. No warranties of any kind are declared or implied. Readers acknowledge that the author is not engaged in the rendering of legal, financial, medical or professional advice. The content within this book has been derived from various sources. Please consult a licensed professional before attempting any techniques outlined in this book. By reading this document, the reader agrees that under no circumstances is the author responsible for any losses, direct or indirect, that are incurred as

a result of the use of the information contained within this document, including, but not limited to, errors, omissions, or inaccuracies.

Table of Contents Introduction Chapter 1: What is Mental Toughness? Defining Mental Strength — Toughness & Resilience Defining Grit The Seven Cs of Building Mental Resilience — Your Foundation for Mental Toughness & Grit Competence Confidence Connection Character Contribution Coping Control Toughness is an End-State, Resilience is a Process Chapter 2: Trust, Connections & Confidence Laying the Foundation For Confidence Take Care of Your Body, It’s Where Your Brain Gets its Resources Take Care of Your Living Space Make Failure a Step Forward Using Trust and Assertiveness to Enhance Your Connections Why Build Trust? Trust-Building Techniques Assertiveness

Chapter 3: Keeping Your Word to Yourself – the Unsung Toughness Technique Why You Should Give Special Attention To Self-Trust Making Habits The ‘Why’ of It The ‘How’ of It Goals Chapter 4: No Need to Pretend Everything’s Okay – Guidelines On Cultivating a Practical Positive Outlook for Enhanced Resilience What Does it Mean to Have a Positive Outlook? Cultivating Positivity Harness Your Knowledge of Habits Make Friends With Gratitude Chapter 5: Solidifying Independence How to Rule Your Criticism and Stop It From Ruling You Further Tips on Controlling Criticism Furthering Emotional Resilience and Independence Set Aside Some Solid Me-Time Asking For Help… Independently Chapter 6: Using Self-Talk and Deeper Reflection for Further Growth What You Say to Yourself Determines What You Believe Positive vs. Negative Self-Talk: A Closer Look on Why to Avoid the Latter Support Your Self-Talk, and Let Your Self-Talk Support You Use Mindfulness to Enhance Self-Talk

Fundamental Reflection Tool #1: Journaling The Role of Journaling in Mental Training Tips for Successful Mental Health Journaling Fundamental Reflection Tool #2: Meditation How to Begin with Meditation Chapter 7: Guidelines on Transforming More of Your Challenges From Threats to Opportunities From Obstacle to Stepping Stone Confronting Fears of Failure Putting Procrastination on Hold Remember: Your Abilities Aren’t Set in Stone — They’re Always Growing! Novelty If at First You Don’t Succeed: Why You Should Always Reframe Perspective Tips on Reframing Perspective Chapter 8: Assuring Independence & An Enduring Sense of Purpose Getting More Deeply in Touch With Your Core Self Using Exploratory Questions Reaffirming and Reinforcing Your Sense of Identity Identity in Attachments Chapter 9: Grit, Passion & Persistence To Become Grittier, Weave Passion Into Your Life Tips on Unearthing More Passions Enhancing Persistence Further

Chapter 10: A Training Mindset for Life Keep Acquiring New Skills Tips for Breaking Down the Learning Process Useful Resources College Level Examination Program Duolingo Skillshare Useful Websites for Help in Mental Training Conclusion References

Introduction “Argue for your limitations and, sure enough, they’re yours.” — Richard Bach, author “If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.” — Thomas Edison, industrialist The two quotes above, taken together, highlight the importance of mental training—a skill that was not only relevant for those two great thinkers and creators of the 20th century, but is also relevant for every single human being today who wishes to explore their potential and achieve selfactualization. You see, whether we fall victim to the faulty thinking that Bach cautions against (standing up for our limits, instead of working around them to achieve our needs), or whether we dare to follow Edison’s suggestion of trying more than we think we’re capable of, depends entirely on the results of a battle that you’re fighting in your mind right now. On the one side of this internal battlefield, you have your dreams, your hopes, your desires, wants, goals, loves, and aspirations. On the other side, you have your fears, anxieties, worries, doubts, scars, griefs, and more. For a lot of people, the thinking is that in order to achieve what we want, we need to let our positive side achieve a total victory over the negative

side, so that we have no fears, anxieties, or worries anymore. However, this attack plan isn’t realistic. It is human nature to have doubts and worries; our “fight or flight” instincts are some of the oldest we have, and at least 50% of them are based around fear. So, total victory over the negative side might not be attainable, but don’t let that discourage you; by the end of this book, you won’t need to achieve total victory in order to achieve what you want. According to the writer, businessman, and public speaker T. Harv Eker, “Successful people have fear, successful people have doubts, and successful people have worries. They just don’t let these feelings stop them.” When you can understand this, you can also understand what it means, and what it takes, to push towards an unbeatable mind. When you are able to look at your negative side not as an opponent or an obstacle, but rather a series of opportunities or stepping stones that you can employ to create new pathways for yourself, then true grit will come naturally to you. To demonstrate, let us quickly look at one of the simplest, most easily recognizable forms of grit: courage. We all know that courage isn’t the absence of fear, in the same way that positivity isn’t the absence of negativity, and —as you’ll learn— that success isn’t the absence of failure. So, what is courage? It’s the ability to take the energy of one’s fear, and use it to fuel our resolve in pursuing something that we’ve assessed to be more important than that fear. This process of turning our road bumps, such as

fear, into fuel for our more heroic attributes is not unique to courage by any means. This process, when trained, developed, and extrapolated, can be used not only to fuel one’s positivity, but even to fuel one’s success. Now, it is true that for many readers, this sort of process is far easier said than done. However, the good news is that courage, grit, and mental strength aren’t abilities restricted to an elite few; they’re attributes that we’re all born with the potential to develop. In fact, they are in many ways like muscles. The more you use and exercise them, and the more you keep them fed with the right sustenance, the stronger and more powerful they’ll be. However, if you try to push them too far, too hard, too fast, too quickly, you can hurt or even break them. Imagine an athlete who goes to the gym every day, then works his muscles so hard that he tears them up every single time. He’d hate exercise pretty quickly, wouldn’t he? If the exercise metaphor isn’t doing it for you, you can also look at it this way: placing yourself in high-stress situations that you aren’t yet ready for won’t help you develop your grit; it’d be much like trying to solve algebra before you’ve learned how to subtract or multiply. You’d quickly grow to see math as an obstruction, rather than the treasure trove of opportunities it really is. Sadly, in life we don’t always have the luxury of meeting high-stress situations when we’re ready for them. Because we’re often faced off against fears that we simply aren’t ready for, it’s no wonder that so many of us struggle to see such things as little more than blockages on the road of our lives. The purpose of this book, then, is to help train you to the point where

you can greet the mental checks and emotions holding you back, and then overcome them not with force, but with understanding. You don’t have to be especially brave, resolute, or iron-willed to get started. The beauty of training is that, regardless of your natural talent, you will see meaningful improvements as you engage and follow along. You could be a mental wimp, and you’ll still emerge out the other end of this book much tougher for it. The methods used will be paced so that you risk overstretching or overworking your mental strength as little as possible; the goal will be growth, and growth doesn’t need to involve showing off or impressing anyone. Everything you do in life—where you choose to work, who you choose to befriend, how you act around your loved ones, who or what you put first, who you kiss, if you kiss, and who you spend the rest of your life with whether in a professional or romantic context—all starts with the decisions you make in your mind. What you think determines how you act. Even unexpected circumstances that began outside of your control can completely change in tone and difficulty according to your response. For instance, imagine a fire starts in your kitchen. Depending on your decisions, you will either smother that flame out in seconds before it is even a whiff of a danger to anyone, or you’ll literally watch everything go up in flames around you as the problem escalates, potentially with huge ramifications and knock-on effects that affect the rest of your life (even if you’re lucky enough to have a safety net, like insurance, you still can’t replace everything. You can’t replace the time lost).

The ability to make the right decision in any situation, and to make it quickly enough for it to matter, depends on your mental strength. Whether it’s a fire in the kitchen, an argument starting with a family member, a moral dilemma between friends or at the workplace, or something else entirely, a well-developed mental toughness can turn a mountain into an easily-cleared molehill. A weak or neglected mental toughness can turn a molehill into a daunting and domineering mountain. For this reason, no matter your age, it is recommended that you begin your mental training as soon as you can. Anyone familiar with the Butterfly Effect can already see why, but for those who aren’t, or for those who can’t remember, consider this; the sooner you start, the bigger the benefit you’ll gain from your mental training over the course of your life. Each decision you make will build on the next, much like how layers of paint build on one another to form a complete artwork. Your training will help you lay down the best marks you can, and make the best use of even the bad marks, integrating them so that your end result will still be something beautiful. Do not let your age be a barrier to this process; wisdom cannot be tied to a number. If you’re young, you’re wise to see that developing yourself earlier, when done at your own pace, is better. And if you’re more elderly, you’re wise to acknowledge that late is still better than never. Prepare to steer your life in the directions most meaningful to you. Some of these directions, you might already know. But others? Others, you might not have even met yet. Either way, you can start to discover and make the best of them by turning the page.

Chapter 1: What is Mental Toughness? One of the core traits enhanced by your mental training will be your mental toughness. Now that you’re all hyped up for it, you’ll likely wish to know more about what it actually is.

Defining Mental Strength — Toughness & Resilience However, before defining toughness we must first define resilience. Resilience, much like toughness, isn’t a binary trait; it’s not something that you either have or don’t have. Rather, it’s something everyone has, but to different degrees of strength or efficacy. Like toughness, resilience can also be developed through observing the correct practices. But what is resilience? Resilience, or mental resilience in this context, is a term rooted in the field of engineering. In engineering, ‘resilience’ is a term used to describe the ability of an object or material to return to its natural or intended shape after taking damage, being dented, or suffering any number of other faults. In order to be resilient, a material needs to be both strong and flexible; flexibility prevents it from snapping when it suffers a fault, and strength increases the amount of force that can be withstood before a fault or strain becomes apparent at all. In life, we may be tempted to over-fixate on the strength part of resilience, but the flexibility aspect is just as important, if not more so. In mental health, resilience describes a person’s ability to adapt quickly and effectively when met with psychologically damaging circumstances such as trauma, grief, anxiety, depression, or stress. It is, in effect, how well you can bounce back or otherwise recover when met with life’s challenges. It’s your ability to encounter change, yet still continue to grow and develop.

Mental resilience is what lets you adapt and strive for life in trying situations, rather than succumbing and drowning in the difficulty of it all. Notice in this description that the emphasis isn’t on endurance, but rather on recovery and adapting to change. Mental resilience, then, is not about resisting change like some bull-headed mammoth, nor is it about smiling through the pain like a gorilla in a hot bath. It isn’t about donning a suit of metaphorical armor, nor is it about shutting yourself away behind imaginary walls in a castle in the sky to protect yourself from difficult feelings or topics. Mental resilience is about taking advantage of one of the great perks of life. You see, you possess a powerful ability that even the toughest metals and engineering materials don’t; the ability to heal. This is the core of what makes human resilience so unique and potent. It is for this reason that flexibility is so pivotal to achieving greater resilience. No matter how strong you are, something is eventually going to come along that’ll shake you or throw you off balance. But as long as you don’t snap, you can heal. This resilience, then, becomes your foundation for mental toughness. Now, what is toughness, compared to resilience?

While resilience is what prevents you from snapping and aids your recovery (in other words, it helps you survive), your mental toughness is your ability to exercise your will in order to make improvements and develop yourself. Resilience is your safety net (and/or balancing pole) for when you risk slipping off the tightrope of life into a plummeting spiral of negativity, and depends both on your internal factors as well as the external factors you can control. Mental toughness, meanwhile, is the training, heart, and soul that makes walking along that tightrope such a joy to perform, and such a joy to watch, in the first place. It is purely internal, and not only helps you keep away from negative outcomes, but also helps you make the best of positive ones. If resilience is what helps you bounce back, toughness is what helps you advance to push higher. If resilience helps you survive, mental toughness is what then lets you thrive. However, mental toughness itself cannot survive (and ergo cannot help you thrive) without the support of mental resilience. It’s difficult for the performer to cultivate the right kind of heart and soul if they think they could fall and break themselves at any time, and training without allowance or room for error is hardly training at all. Defining Grit Grit is a subset of mental toughness, and measures how much energy you can bring to bear when it means achieving your aims, living out your values, or taking steps along—or finding your way back to—your favored path in life (Clear, 2016).

Grit isn’t a fixed value, but will vary according to motivation and personal consistency. Motivation alone isn’t enough to have strong grit (what happens when we get a setback or lose heart?), so those who wish to be mentally strong will build up their mental resilience as well as build habits or routines so their consistency will carry them even when their motivation or morale takes a knock. Many of the tools you’ll need to help keep your grit strong will be described throughout this book, with Chapter 9 following up on that with an alternate but still compatible way of approaching this vital attribute. Sub-Definition: Consistency You’ll also see the term ‘consistency’ get used several times throughout this book. As this is something you’ll be developing, rather than something you’ll be expected to already have, it’s important from the beginning to avoid confusing consistency with perfection. Consistency, in the context of mental training, isn’t about getting 100% each time. It is about choosing to keep improving even if you got a 40% or 50%; to keep trying until your practice enables you to start getting 60%, then 70%, then 80%... Consistency isn’t about being talented. It is about being tenacious. Now, back to your foundation for all this—your resilience.

The Seven Cs of Building Mental Resilience — Your Foundation for Mental Toughness & Grit When you wish to cultivate your mental resilience (or metaphorical safety net) to aid in your mental training, you can do so by examining the myriad of pillars that resilience (and later toughness) rests on. These pillars were first coined to aid in youth and child development (Dabell, 2018), but they are still great guiding posts to keep in mind even as an adult. It is not required or expected that you work on all seven all at once all the time. However, whenever you feel your mental training hit a snag, you can use this section for easy reference to spot what that snag may be. Each snag will be addressed, in one form or another, throughout this book. Competence It’s a bit of a vicious circle, but in the same way that resilience can give us more breathing room to develop our competence, our competence also helps us bolster our resilience; we feel a lot safer when we think we know what we’re doing. However, human beings can be notoriously bad at recognizing their own competence (or lack thereof) in many situations. No matter how competent we are, our abilities won’t contribute to our resilience if we don’t believe in them. Likewise, if we become too complacent with our most valuable skills, and refuse to develop them further, we lose the vital flexibility that a strong mental resilience needs. No matter what your skill levels currently are, your competence in the longterm relies on your willingness to keep growing (even if it means making a

few short-term mistakes) as well as your ability to recognize what you’ve cultivated. Speaking of recognizing your skills… Confidence Confidence is our ability to believe in our own competence, and helps us develop the courage needed to test and push that competence further. Confidence helps us recognize when we have a chance of winning. It also helps us keep the possible consequences of ‘losing’ in perspective e.g. it measures how well we react to setbacks. A more confident person is one who isn’t afraid to acknowledge potential flaws or problems in their ideas, because they know which ones they can correct immediately, and which ones they can safely leave or work around until they’ve gathered enough strength to deal with them. An ‘overconfident’ person isn’t really confident at all, as while they’re great at ignoring potential setbacks or flaws, they’re not so great at keeping their cool and keeping things in perspective when met with an actual challenge that they cannot ignore. Confidence is built by experiencing success, and offering yourself conscious acknowledgment or encouragement according to that success, even if the success itself is relatively minor. On the flip side, confidence isn’t necessarily diminished by experiencing failure; although the ego certainly takes a bruise from failure, you’ll see later in this book how failures can be absorbed without damaging your confidence at all.

Confidence is a vital pillar for mental resilience. In a competitive work environment, confidence is also known as morale. Without good morale, it can be tricky to keep sight of the big picture and keep our energies coherent. Confidence, together with competence, is what enables courage, and allows you to rise to the occasion in the face of challenges. Connection In the survivalist’s rule of threes, the typical rule of thumb is that you can survive three minutes without air, three days without water, and three weeks without food. What often gets overlooked is the final part; we can only go up to three months without love or, in more broad and practical terms, human contact. Human connections are an often underrated part of mental toughness; being around supportive people who care for you and reward merit will leave a far different impact on how your confidence and competence grows compared to an environment where everyone around you is abusive or manipulative towards you. Having ties to some kind of supportive community, whether it is your family, your sports team, your business/college mentors, your gaming friends, or even an alcoholics anonymous group, can provide you with an extra layer of mental security that can help you build your confidence. However, connection should never be taken as an excuse for codependence; although decisions that affect the group should be made with the group, the

mentally strong individual becomes comfortable with making personal decisions completely independently. As you gain mental strength, your connections will be less of a crutch, and will rather become the warmer and more loving threads in your metaphorical safety net, even as you seem to walk your tightrope alone. The people who form these loving connections might not always agree with everything you do, but it’s rare that they’ll critique an action or idea of yours without offering a realistic suggestion for improvement. They’ll also avoid attacking you, instead addressing your work or idea itself without conflating your character with it. After all, they don’t want you to fall, they just want to help you keep your balance. As such, on the flip side, these people will also tend to take notice when you do something well (this is most true when they work or have worked in the same or similar field as you, where they’ll have a better perspective on what you’re doing or have done). This encouragement can help you solidify your belief in your own competence. Character What defines good character at the surface level can vary from culture to culture, or even from context to context. Much like mental toughness, character isn’t something people are born with, nor is it something that you either have or you don’t. Instead, much like mental toughness overall, character can be understood as a muscle that develops as you support and exercise it.

In the context of mental resilience, the core of good character is your ability to follow a moral compass, and to carry a deep sense of right and wrong. In order to achieve this, one needs to be conscious of their own values, be conscious of which values they hold higher than others, and finally they need to be aware when they’re presented with a choice that lets them support one or more of these values. A person who is aware of what they value, and aware of which decisions will build towards their most important values, will feel far more stable, and in general will have an easier time acting with personal wisdom. As your character is based around you and what you value most, a caveat to be aware of is that while character can encourage you to care for others, character alone doesn’t give you wisdom to always make the best decisions for them; you’ll never be as intimately familiar with their circumstances as you can be with your own. Character doesn’t make you magically more aware of the subtleties in someone else’s circumstances. However, character does help you make the best decisions you can for yourself with the information you have at the time, and it gives you a more solid perspective to offer towards anyone you care about. Honesty, compassion, and empathy tend to be high-priority values for building a resilient character, as all three of these values can encourage healthier connections, while honesty in particular can improve your confidence as you gradually realize more and more how little you need to hide while among those you care about (or, alternatively, help you realize more and more how urgently you need to depart from an abusive group).

Commitment (a Bonus C) A subset of character, and as such not directly counted as one of our Seven Cs, your commitment is nonetheless an important measure of how well you can establish consistent patterns of behavior that support the kind of life you wish to lead. Some writers on mental toughness place commitment as its own category, however commitment cannot be achieved if you cannot set and prioritize goals, and you cannot set and prioritize goals if you don’t know what you want, and how on Earth can you know what you really want if you don’t know what your values are? Attempt to commit without character, and anyone with something to sell can lead you by the nose to get you to that sale, even if it’s far away from anything you actually need. Contribution Although related to connection, contribution can stand on its own as it’s a viable practice to engage in even before connections are solidified. Contribution, or the offering of service, is a way of training the mind to see the giving of help as something that can be a pleasure under the right circumstances, rather than something that’s always a burden. A huge snag in developing mental resilience is a stubborn refusal to ask for help when needed. However, if you’ve ever contributed something that you’ve had plenty of, or offered advice in an area that you’re an easy expert in, you’ll know that there can be a great deal of satisfaction in giving. This realization, in turn, can make it easier to ask for the support you need, as well as more easily identify who’d give you adequate support without thinking much of it.

As you give, ask yourself, “What is something that I cannot give so easily? Who do I know who CAN, and is willing to give that thing freely and easily? Do I or does someone I care about need this thing?” Using the act of contribution to become more conscious of the strengths flashing out of those around you can be a huge boost to your resilience as, next time someone asks you for help in something that’d tax your spirit or energy, you’re more likely to be able to move them on to someone who’d love to give what is being asked for. In this scenario, everyone wins with minimal losses; the person asking for help gets what they needed in order to carry on, you would’ve done enough to cast yourself in a friendly and supportive light, and the person who gave the help may appreciate their capabilities being acknowledged. Naturally, this understanding of contribution isn’t limited to just helping others; it can also be used to help you find potential mentors among your connections, as some people have plenty of knowledge to give. Just remember; you likely won’t enjoy contributing, even when giving something that’s plentiful for you, when you feel like the contribution isn’t mattering or making a difference. The same goes for your mentors. That said, showing a little progress or appreciation towards those who contribute to you, your loved ones, or your values can go a long way to strengthening these vital connections. Coping

Coping is related to confidence, in that it can help you distinguish an everyday problem or setback from an actual crisis, and thus help you avoid unneeded stress. However, while confidence comes from experience, coping isn’t necessarily tied to how sure you are of your abilities. For this reason, coping is a great pillar to focus on when you’re struggling with confidence, but need some of its perks in order to achieve an objective. Coping is all about employing simple tricks, plans, or strategies to help you reduce stress to manageable levels. You don’t need to be competent to cope, but you do need to be willing to show yourself some basic self-care. Basic coping strategies, some of which will be elaborated on later in this book, include taking care of your body, scheduling time in your day where you can relax completely, breaking down massive tasks into more manageable steps, and recognizing that our feelings only define how big a problem is in our heads, not how big it actually is once we’re calm and grounded in reality. In some cases, a viable method of coping can involve recognizing when a problem simply isn’t yours to fight, or at least is something you’ll be able to fight once you’ve gathered the strength for it, followed by simply letting it go until you’re ready to confront it. Coping is a core pillar of mental resilience, as it’s what stops surprise in its tracks, and lets us bounce back from being overwhelmed. Control Control is your ability to recognize that what you choose to do can and does impact your life. It is NOT your ability to prevent unwanted things from

happening. When it comes to mental toughness, we do not disperse control among the thousands of what-ifs that may or may not happen; we’d get spread way too thin doing that. Instead, we focus the energy of control on ourselves, and what we can do, so that no matter what comes our way, we are focused enough to match our strengths to the problem and deal with it, even if we have to get a little creative in the process. When our energy of control is too dispersed among unnameable and everchanging externals, it can feel like our actions don’t matter, and we can consequently grow quite despondent. This is no good. The truth is, you cannot really control what others choose to do, nor can you control what the weather will be like, whether the sun will rise, or anything of that sort. But you can control what you do, and it is by recognizing yourself as the seat of your power that you can shake off passivity and pessimism in favor of greater resilience. A heightened sense of control, much like confidence, comes from being able to recognize even your small successes. It can also be reinforced by one’s character: when you know your own values, you’re in a better position to create habits and routines that let you exercise your control the way you want to. For those who are stuck in the vice-like grip of a bad habit, introducing good ones along the same triggers can sometimes be the only way to regain control, and this is where character and control can come together in a beautiful, synergistic dance. Control additionally becomes easier when we know why we’re deciding to follow a particular course of action, or uphold a particular value, and this

cannot be done without conscious character. When you wish to discipline yourself, then, it is best to place special emphasis on learning new information to support your better convictions, rather than berating yourself for falling short of them. Negative self-talk is not a mental training technique.

Toughness is an End-State, Resilience is a Process Something that cannot be emphasized enough is that mental toughness, thriving, and self-actualization are the result of an especially well-built mental resilience. The mind, however, is not a fixed entity. It changes, and often, in response to what it experiences. For this reason, while it’s fully possible you’ll achieve mental toughness earlier than expected, you may well lose it just as quickly. Do not be frustrated when this happens; it is not a sign of failure on your part. Being mentally tough all the time is, in some ways, like being happy all the time; it’s not something that exists as a constant state in the real world, but the more you understand what supports toughness or happiness, the easier it is to live a life where this state of being is invited in naturally. Learning how to create this supportive environment for your mental toughness, and then maintaining it so that toughness can come to you consistently, is a large part of what mental training actually is. By now, you’ve learned that mental resilience is what helps us maintain mental toughness, and that mental resilience itself can be enhanced through paying attention to a variety of pillars. However, up to this point we’ve largely been defining mental resilience as your psychological flexibility, your ability to mentally bounce back without breaking.

So, perhaps you may be wondering… What if I do break? Or, even more poignantly… What if I’ve already broken? While it can be argued that you’re never truly broken while your heart is still beating, this isn’t a sentiment that everyone will agree with. So, for those of you who have read everything written up until this point, but still feel as if they’re too shattered to carry on … Do not despair. Have hope. Why? Well, consider the art of kintsugi. Kintsugi is a process where a beautiful porcelain piece of pottery is promptly pummeled into fragments and dust. Sometimes, this is deliberate. Other times, it is completely by accident—it is a lucky soul who has never lost any pottery or crockery to bumps, slams, or other mishaps. Regardless of the cause, this pottery (or crockery) is then ‘glued’ back together with liquid gold. The result is that a beautiful thing, which was

once shattered beyond recognition, thought broken forever, is now put back together stronger and more beautiful than before. The use of gold in particular, although not mandatory outside the most traditional of kintsugi artists, stands as an easy-to-understand metaphor; normally, when we look at cracks, we mistakenly see them as flaws or blemishes, something to hide or despise. Once those cracks are filled in, however, their true value becomes evident; all kintsugi artists deliberately keep the cracks as part of the repaired crockery’s new design and, because no object shatters the same way as another, these cracks end up highlighting the object’s value and uniqueness, rather than detracting from it. I bring this up because, in life, there is a chance that (due to unforeseen circumstances) you will be dented, scratched, or even broken many, many times before the ideal state of toughness is finally achieved. Even if you never shattered, you likely still have a few dents here and there, even if they’re purely psychological rather than physical. However, these dents are not to be treated as something shameful. If anything, they’re hardwon diplomas from the School of Hard Knocks. To fill them in afterwards and use them to push yourself forward in the real world may seem daunting at first but, when you’re finally finished filling in all those cracks with the metaphorical gold of mental training, you’ll find you possess strengths in places you may never have expected. Strengths that can protect you, and protect those closest to you.

Our unique ability to heal and become stronger in this way, through learning, growth, and recovery, is what lets us find the silver lining behind the cloud of adversity. Of course, this is not to say that one has to break to become strong; even unshattered pottery can be both hardy and beautiful depending on how it was fired. The point is, what you may see as flaws, wounds or imperfections at the moment don’t need to be the things that hold you back in life. They don’t need to be things that negatively define or bring you down forever. What kintsugi teaches us is that not only do our flaws not have to define us, but through care and patience we have the power to redefine them to accentuate what makes us special. After all, what makes us great isn’t perfection, but rather the innate mental resilience that lets us endure deep self-examination, the kind of selfdiscovery that lets us unearth the treasures within us. Perfection as a concept isn’t particularly realistic anyways—look beneath the surface of any hero from history and you’ll see that they had to deal with a myriad of flaws... some minor, some chronic, some even crippling. Despite this, they could push forward in life regardless, invariably by discovering their myriad strengths, and then playing to them as often as they can.

A brilliant example of this is Winston Churchill. As the prime minister who led Britain through the blitzkrieg of WWII, a huge and well-developed sense of mental toughness and resilience was practically mandatory for him to succeed. You would never have guessed that his childhood was one of depression, underperformance, and a yearning for acceptance, and that he’d continue to battle with depression on and off even as an adult. However, he built up his resilience by discovering his love of fencing, history, French, and horse riding, skills that allowed him to excel in both the military and politics, and allowed him to grow into the staunch leader he’s remembered as today. His constant battles with depression, which at the time would’ve felt overwhelming for him, had also given him insight into how to rally others; he was already so practiced at restoring hope in himself even when he couldn’t immediately see why he should, that to do so in others became second nature. On the flip side, Hellen Keller was a beloved pacifist, activist, public speaker, and author. If you knew nothing about her aside from that resume, you’d never have guessed that she was both blind and deaf. Her strengths were her ambition, as well as her empathy; it was her unquenchable desire to connect with others that, when coupled with mental resilience development, let her overcome barriers that many would have deemed insurmountable. Eventually, her ability to connect with others became a strength in its own right and it was this well-developed pillar of resilience, combined with her inherent empathy, that made her work so extraordinary.

So, no matter how dented or shattered you may feel right now, you can be confident that you’ll come to glue yourself back together as your resilience grows and you become more aware of your true talents. Your strengths won’t necessarily lead you into becoming a leader like Churchill or a speaker like Keller, of course (you’re not them, you’re you—don’t be afraid to be you), but they can nonetheless lead you into becoming something great, or at least something deeply valued and appreciated in your own right. Do not grow impatient with yourself if you stumble and fall. Do not be disheartened if you accrue new dings and dents along the way. There are many tools to help you build mental resilience, to make the process faster and easier, but at the end of the day it’ll always be an ongoing process that will become more and more refined through your experience. As even dents and dings are experiences, then, the best thing you can do then is develop the resilience to harness all your experiences as best you can, to learn and grow as much as possible from each instance of adversity you face, so that you can transform something calamitous into a launch pad for something potentially great. This is the essence of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, and resilience from the depths of despair. However, this book will not deliberately propel you into places where you can get dinged; life comes with enough bumps and knocks on its own. Rather, the following chapters will provide you with a myriad of strategies to develop your pillars of mental resilience as safely and constructively as possible.

After all, while dings and cracks can be made beautiful, deliberately going out and harming yourself to “toughen up” is NOT a viable mental training technique. Especially if you never take the time to properly glue yourself back together again.

Chapter 2: Trust, Connections & Confidence Confidence and connection are not only some of your most fundamental mental resilience pillars, but they also help contribute to trust. Trust isn’t a mental training technique per se, but it is so vital for strengthening your mental foundation that its meaning and development shouldn’t be neglected. This chapter will aim to teach you techniques to build up your confidence, develop healthier connections and generally create a stable space in your life from which you can develop the rest of your mental strength and grit in relative peace.

Laying the Foundation For Confidence Confidence. It is both a pillar of mental resilience, as well as one of the most powerful benefits of mental toughness. True confidence grows, expands, and deepens as you do. When you are able to have confidence in your abilities, then you can focus all your energy simply on using them and doing the best you can, rather than splitting your energy between doing and worrying. For example, take confidence in a public speaking context. A confident speaker, knowing they’ve got a good message to share with their audience, is able to focus entirely on the act of sharing it. A speaker without confidence, however, will be battling a host of nagging doubts and waves of stress as they speak, and having to fight that off could cause them to lose track of where they are in their speech, or otherwise stumble over their words. This means that even if your presentation was well thought-out and researched, you could still convince yourself that you’re a bad public speaker because of these difficulties in your presentation. Confidence is key to your development, as it’s what makes the difference between “I’m still learning how to do this” versus, “I absolutely cannot do this” or, in other words, the difference between growth/resilience and stagnation/frailty. But how do we develop confidence?

There’s no shortage of viable ways to cultivate confidence. You can try all the approaches suggested below in balanced proportions, or you can choose to focus on one or two that really resonate with you. However, do not be afraid to switch up the methods you’re using whenever you feel stuck; if one approach doesn’t seem to be working much for you in a specific situation, one of the others likely will. Take Care of Your Body, It’s Where Your Brain Gets its Resources As mentioned in the previous chapter, your confidence can be influenced by your coping and control mechanisms. Building confidence through exercising these mechanisms is often much easier than trying to build up the belief in our own competence directly. This is because these mechanisms influence us directly on a physiological level, making them much harder for us to deny even during our weakest or most negative episodes. Confidence is raised by making a difference in areas that you control. There are few things in life that you’ll have more control over than what you do with your body, and what you put into it. This makes it an excellent starting point for raising confidence before testing your spirit against trickier settings. Even when you feel ready to move on to more challenging methods of boosting confidence, what you do with your body will still remain a fundamental component of your self-esteem.

It’s much easier to believe in yourself when you’re actively supporting yourself, after all. Conversely, it’s harder to have faith in your abilities and feel confident if you neglect or even abuse your fundamental wellbeing. Your mind depends on blood, oxygen, and nutrients from the rest of your body to function properly, so take care of it. Hydration Fresh water is a criminally underrated resource that the mentally resilient will drink as often as they need. Healthline recommends that men drink 3 liters of water a day, while women drink at least 2.12 liters themselves (Silver, 2020). Hotter climates or more active lifestyles may require more water. This may seem like a tall order, but you’re not expected to religiously fill this quota like some kind of machine. Instead, here are several rules of thumb you can easily apply to get the water you need: 1. As soon as you wake up, go drink at least one cup of water. If you find you want to drink more than one, then have two, or even three. No matter what your sleep schedule looks like, you’ve just gone several hours without drinking anything at all. Although your body does release hormones to slow your dehydration rates provided your sleep is deep and consistent, you still might be feeling foggy, confused, or otherwise halfasleep when you first get up in the morning. This isn’t necessarily tiredness, but rather thirst. Ever wondered why you might feel fully charged when you first wake in the morning, but then feel drained after sleeping in a few more hours? It’s not a lack of sleep that’s the issue. It’s a lack of water. Go drink

some, and start your day the right way by shaking off your ‘sleep’ that much faster. 2. Any time you feel stressed, confused, that your eyes are glazing over, or that the task ahead is too big to accomplish, go grab water. Your body as a whole is 60% water. Your brain and heart in particular are 73% water each. Your brain determines how well you think, your heart determines how well energy-giving oxygen gets pumped around your body. Studies have shown that if you’re missing so much as 2% of that water, you become worse at focusing your attention, and recalling short-term information (Silver, 2020). You even become worse at sorting your emotions and keeping them in perspective. A cool glass of water, then, may be just what you need to snap yourself back to reality and ground yourself mentally. Without sufficient water, you become tired (as your heart isn’t getting the fluids it needs to perform optimally), and you struggle to concentrate (because ditto for your brain). Who ever heard of a person who felt confident while they were exhausted and confusticated? If you feel your resilience faltering, go grab some water. 3. If you are feeling hot, worn out, or achy, go grab some water. It’s not just your brain and your heart that benefit from having enough fluids. Water is needed to cushion your tissues, shield your spinal cord, and more. It also prevents your body from overheating. All of this together means that water helps reduce the pain the average person experiences over the course of an average day. Why is this important? Pain is your body’s hard-wired way of “stop doing this thing.” If you allow yourself to be in constant pain, even if it’s mild, then no matter what you’re doing you’re going to have your body’s nervous system whispering in your ear, “stop

doing this thing.” Pain erodes confidence. Some discomforts are harder to get rid of than others, but minimizing your dehydration-based pains will go a long way to helping you keep your confidence levels consistent. Water is a basic resource that countless souls take for granted. If you’re lucky enough to be one of them, use it as best you can. 4. Don’t substitute water for energy drinks, fruit juice, alcohol, or caffeine. You can still have these drinks, and some of them even have their own health benefits, but don’t use them in place of water; caffeine encourages you to urinate more, making it a poor water substitute, while sugars and alcohols can also dehydrate you when taken in excess, exacerbating your pains and confusions rather than solving them. Don’t use coffee to cure a panic attack; always go for the water first. Any drink that isn’t pure water is best enjoyed when you’re already at peace, or otherwise feeling fresh. Nutrition Now, this isn’t a diet book, but there are several key nutritional tips you can use to keep yourself feeling fresh (Davidson, 2020; Selhub, 2020). 1. When the intention is pure pleasure, eat what you like. But for highstress situations and daily life, choose low-GI carbs over high-GI carbs. GI, or glycemic index, is a term used to describe how quickly your bloodglucose levels peak and fall down after eating a specific food. Now, if you’ve just had a hectic exercise, then you might want to have a high-GI food to quickly perk yourself up.

However, on most days it is rather the slow release of low-GI that’s far more beneficial for you instead. This is because glucose, much like oxygen, is needed to generate energy in your body. It’s what helps you feel fresh and ready to take on the world. Without it, your momentum can slump and, with it, your confidence. Low-GI foods, because of their slow release, are highly consistent in how they release that energy. When living a sedentary life, it’s still plenty of energy for anything you might need to do on any given day, while the consistency ensures you don’t suffer from the mood swings, heightened anxiety, and more that comes from the huge sugar rises and crashes of high-GI diets. A good rule of thumb for limiting high-GI foods while bringing in some more low-GI is to swap out white rice and white bread for whole-wheat or brown, to swap out white potatoes for sweet potatoes or pasta, and to swap out processed cereals and instant oats for steel cut and bran instead. It’s easier to build up confidence on a more stable emotional base, and low-GI helps with that. However, GI is most relevant only when dealing with carbs; worrying about GI levels in vegetables or meat won’t give you as much of a return. 2. Get some omega-acids in there! Omega-3 in particular helps reinforce the membranes of your brain cells, as well as fight inflammation throughout your body. That’s better mental retention and less pain. Omega-3 can be found in adequate amounts in fatty fish such as salmon, cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli, as well as beans, walnuts, chia, flax, and their derivative vegetable oils. 3. Don’t knock antioxidants, and include Vitamin Bs.

Antioxidants help fight off the cell damage that can result from excessive stress, and have been found to make stress and anxiety more manageable overall; perfect for giving you more breathing room to build confidence. Any source of Vitamin C or E would be a good source of antioxidants, as are berries, coffee, green tea, and dark chocolate. Beans, lentils, and bananas make for great sources of various Vitamin B types. Vitamin B helps the body release feel-good hormones like dopamine and serotonin, which are vital for a non-defeatist, confident mind. 4. Mix fiber with your sugars. Most people like sugar. We just can’t get enough of the stuff. However, excessive sugar, especially if highly processed, can lead to rapid mood swings or seething irritability when it causes our blood sugar levels to spike, only to crash. If you’ve ever felt annoyed or irritated without having a clear feeling as to why, or if you ever felt yourself losing your cool in a situation you know you could have handled better, this may have been a reason. However, cutting down your sugar isn’t the only way to deal with this. You see, when you add fiber to your diet, those sugars release more slowly for a more stable heart and mind. The effect is similar to what happens when you swap out high-GI foods for low-GI foods. Fortunately, fiber isn’t difficult to bring into your diet; whole-grains, fruits, vegetables, beans, peas, and lentils all have plenty of fiber. If you have at least one meal a day where half the food on your plate consists of these, you will already notice a difference.

Exercise Don’t skip over this section; exercise doesn’t have to be painful or strenuous. You aren’t in gym class now. The objective isn’t necessarily to get physically strong or fit, but rather to help your mind reach the balance it needs for better confidence. To this end, picking three days a week on which you can exercise thirty minutes a day will see great results. However, even as little as ten to fifteen minutes of exercise a day can make a positive impact on your confidence as it’ll encourage the release of endorphins in your brain, improving your mental wellbeing. To get the most out of these sessions, it is recommended that you… 1. See your exercise as a form of medication or therapy, not as an obligation. You do not HAVE to do exercise, in the same way that you do not HAVE to drink sufficient water or include additional healthy mood-boosting food types into your meals. However, it is a tool in your mental training toolbox to help reinforce your mind and enhance your mental resilience for relatively little effort. If a tool isn’t working, or isn’t appropriate to the situation, save it for when it is, and try another tool in the meantime. 2. Don’t aim to be perfect/don’t overdo it. It’s normal that you might skip a day, but that doesn’t mean all is lost. If you still feel fine, you’re fine. If you’re in pain or grief, don’t force yourself to do more than what you’re comfortable with. While consistent exercise is the best, any exercise is still good, and will benefit you infinitely more than quitting would. While we’re on this note, there’s no real reason to do more than half an hour of exercise a day more than three days a week at a minimum, or five days a week at a maximum. Pushing beyond that point is

completely unnecessary for the purposes of mental training, and should only be done if you’re a fitness enthusiast or professional athlete. 3. Seriously, don’t overdo it. To gain the mental health benefits of exercise, you don’t need to make yourself breathless. If you’re able to speak while exercising, but are unable to shout or sing as well as you normally can, then you know you’ve hit the ideal exercise intensity for your body, no matter what moves may be involved. If you’re too breathless to even speak beyond a whisper or some disjointed words, you’re pushing yourself too hard. For mental toughness, consistency is far more important than intensity, so pushing yourself so hard that you hate your exercise and start avoiding it is a no-go. 4. Use a space you’ll love exercising in. If you have low confidence about your self-image, it’s perfectly fine for your exercise space to be your bedroom at home. If you hate being alone, it’s perfectly fine to rope a friend in and make them part of your exercise routine. If you hate the idea of lots of sports equipment, stick to exercises that don’t need it. If you love gardening, then make your garden your ‘gym’, and count your time spent tending your plants as your exercise. 5. You can exercise at any time. Straight out of bed? Yep. During part of your lunch break? Oh yeah. Right before bed? Absolutely. You can split your exercise for the day up however you like too, so long as it roughly reaches the total you want. Getting out of the elevator, car, or bus a little earlier can be a great excuse to get some walking into your life in a way that still aligns with what you already do on a near-daily basis.

6. You don’t have to start with anything too complex. Dancing, walking, running, swimming, and cycling are all incredibly intuitive forms of exercise. Walking, running, and dancing can be done just about anywhere, at any time. Boxing (even if it is just air-boxing) is another great idea, as are jumping jacks. 7. You can tie your confidence exercises into your connection training. Taking spin, yoga, resistance, or pilates classes can be great ways to expand your exercise repertoire while meeting new people. Yoga and pilates especially tend to be places where one can also increase their feeling of acceptance, which can also boost confidence as it’ll help dispel any nonhelpful feelings of not being good enough while simultaneously helping you become stronger and better balanced. Showers and Sleep When life gets busy, many people are tempted to skip showers or cut down on their sleep. However, both of these activities make important contributions to one’s confidence, so it’s important to examine how these two mechanisms work, especially sleep (Leech, 2020). For sleep, it is generally recommended that a grown adult has 7-9 hours of sleep per day in order to gain the best mental health benefits, such as: 1. Improved concentration 2. Heightened memory (combined with point 1, this makes quality sleep an important learning aid)

3. Increased appetite control (which in turn increases feelings of selfcontrol overall) 4. Better productivity and performance at work (in one study, it was found the group who had insufficient sleep made 36% more critical errors than the group that was well-rested) 5. Deeper interpretation and more accurate processing of body language, facial expressions, and social cues, increasing the effectiveness of your interactions with clients, colleagues, friends, family, or even lovers 6. Better physical speed, reaction times, and capacity for independent action 7. Better mental well-being in general (poor sleep quality has been linked to depression and even increased suicide risks; good sleep is foundational for your overall mental training) However, consistency of sleep can have just as big of an impact on your mental resilience as duration (Okano et al., 2019). This is why some famous figures, including world-renowned doctors like Dr. Christiaan Barnard, are able to function on only 4 hours of sleep per day; it’s because they would religiously go to bed and get up at roughly the same time every night and every morning (it’s still recommended you stick to 7-9 hours per day for yourself though, unless your intended lifestyle truly does not permit it). Note that sleep is not a bank. If you get too little on one day, you can’t “repay the debt” by oversleeping on weekends. All that means is both your duration and your consistency will be awful. Rather choose to sleep the number of hours that you can on your average day, every day, and your resilience will improve for it.

That said, having a night where you go to bed much later than normal is, again, not the end of the world, although you might feel a bit shaken the next day. Here, proper hydration and nutrition can help you keep your resilience despite the lack of decent sleep, but it’s recommended you return to your normal sleep schedule as soon as you can. If you want to adjust your sleep/wake times, it’s recommended that you shift them no more than half an hour in either direction each week. Otherwise, your circadian rhythm may get confused. To help yourself sleep when you want, you can use the following guidelines: 1. Light has a huge impact on how you sleep. Daylight, bright artificial lights, and more help release hormones that keep you alert and awake. This is great when you need to work or focus, but terrible when you want to unwind at the end of a long day. It’s recommended that you switch to dim light or reading lights about 40 minutes to an hour before bed. Note that electronic screens release artificial “blue light” one of the most intense forms of light on the spectrum regardless of how bright or dim it is (comparable to daylight), making them unsuitable for pre-bed reading. If you must read electronically before bed, use an audiobook or download software like Oyster E-Reader or f.lux to help keep your screen lights sleep-inducing. 2. Get rid of darkness when you wake up. On the flip side, darkness as well as dim light encourages our brains to convert our ‘alert’ hormones into rest or drowsiness hormones. This is great

when you need to sleep, but terrible when you need to pump yourself up, focus, or get ready for the day. If you want to get up at the same time each day, expose yourself to bright light or daylight as soon as you can when your alarm goes off. Furthermore, keep your workspace well-lit so help you maintain focus. 3. Be careful with caffeine. The alertness perks of caffeine are great, but they stick around much longer than most people realize. Whether it’s coffee, sugary teas, or sweets, the caffeine you consume can take up to six hours to fully digest, or three to four hours to halfway digest. Staying away from all sources of caffeine about six or so hours before bed can be a huge help for getting your sleeping patterns back under control. Now, while showers aren’t as core to your overall grit as sleep, being clean can carry a variety of benefits. Good hygiene means you’re less likely to get infected by a bad cut or similar accident, saving you some pain or sickness (neither of which are great for confidence). The sensation of soothing water on your skin can also help your body produce more serotonin and norepinephrine, letting you feel energized and pushing your default mood closer to contentment; a great way to set the stage for confident, productive behavior. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get dirty, of course, but it does mean that a shower in the morning can help you set your day on the right track, and a shower in the evening can help you relax and enjoy your free time more completely after a long day. Hot showers help you relax more, while cold showers perk you up and provide more energy. Showering for 15-30

seconds under cold water, then spending a while under warm water can help you achieve the best of both worlds. Take Care of Your Living Space Caring for your living space is, in many ways, like caring for your body; it’s something you have a great deal of control over, and offers many avenues for the kind of small yet important successes that raise confidence. You can even tie caring for your space into caring for your body, if you choose to make cleaning or rearranging things in your house a part of your exercise. To do so, the trick is to start small. Looking at a big mess (especially if it’s been left sitting for years) can be daunting, so rather than looking at the clutter as a whole, it’s best to instead keep an eye on what is around you, and ask, “Do I need this object to be here? Do I need it at all? Does it align with my values?” We’ll go deeper into values later in the book, but it’s still a question you can ask now. For example, on your desk you might have a computer, some headphones, a clock, some stationery, and a dusty SSD drive that you never use, but just left there. One of the most stressful feelings in the world is not being able to find something when you need it. This scenario can majorly impact our confidence when it happens, especially if we’re floundering around in front of someone we were hoping to impress. For this reason, anything

superfluous, anything that gets in the way of what you actually need in a setting, can be either relocated, stored, or given away. For instance, that SSD drive might be getting in the way of your notebook and pencils that you need to write with. Heck, maybe you don’t even use your stationery, as you do all your writing, calculations, etc. on your computer, in which case you might want to clear your pens and pencils away so you have more space to rest your arms on your desk (why should objects get in the way of small comforts?). You might even use the freed up space to bring in something else that is useful to you, like a bowl of nuts to snack on, or a picture of a mentor or a loved one to keep what motivates you in sight. Now, try to apply this thinking to any other room in your personal living area. If it isn’t helpful, and it’s taking up space, either move it to where it can be useful, gift it, sell it, or otherwise get rid of it. The extra space generated through doing this can help you feel less claustrophobic, and may even help you appreciate the size of your accommodations. Do this until you feel happy with your space, or until you’re familiar with where all your most important possessions are. As a rule of thumb, try to store things in or near the places where you’ll most likely use them; it’ll make maintaining your space and finding your things a more intuitive and stress-free process. If you ever feel unsure whether you should still declutter more or not, step outside your living space, then pretend you’re a stranger being invited in, and that you’re seeing all the objects inside for the first time. Does what

you see tell you something about the person who lives there? Their character? Their beliefs? Their work? Their hobbies? If not, or if yes but with blatant redundancy, then you may have found something else that might be clutter, rather than a tool. For example, one winter coat might say you like to be warm, two may reveal that you like to be prepared but, unless fashion is your chief value or you’re planning to outfit someone else, what on earth would three or more coats say about you? Keeping only what resonates with your needs and values is a valid method of raising confidence, as your living space will become less a storage house and more a constant validation of what you believe in. Sweeping, mopping, and picking up loose rubbish is another way to take care of your space. No need to make it a giant Spring Clean each time, of course! Rather, whenever you look at a dirty floor, or feel the grime beneath your feet and think, “Eugh,” or, “This is annoying/irritating me,” just take 15 minutes to sweep or clean it up as best you can. This contributes to the feel-good hormones released when one feels clean and fresh (see Showers and Sleep) and can help discourage insects and allergies, which is helpful when you need to conserve your resilience for bigger things. When you use your power to create change in your living space in this way, increasing your comfort and bettering your environment through simple acts, your confidence naturally increases. You can even begin extending this behavior outside your house if you wish. Tired of living in a dump? Carry a plastic bag, and pick up any stray litter you come across near your home. It’s a small gesture, to be sure, but your self-esteem will skyrocket for it, massively reinforcing one of your best pillars for mental resilience.

You don’t have to go out of your way to do this either; just do it as you’re walking up to your door as you normally do, and little by little you’ll make your habitat as a whole feel like a much more pleasant place to be, giving you a more encouraging base to work from. You’ll be making a difference. Make Failure a Step Forward “Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” — Winston Churchill Or to paraphrase an anecdote between Thomas Edison and a reporter, the former didn’t fail to make the lightbulb 1000 times, it was simply a process that needed 1000 steps. Feelings of personal failure, whether warranted or not, can manifest in many different forms. Such failures often encourage negative self-talk, but as mentioned earlier this won’t benefit your growing mental resilience. This doesn’t mean you should deny bad things happening, of course; denial is no good either. Rather, making failure a step forward involves seeing it as a lesson, not a bullet; it may have taken some of your time, but it hasn’t stopped you, and if you manage to pay attention through the boredom or anxiety then you’ll even find something of value. Under the next two subheadings are a few techniques to help you achieve this. Positive Self-Talk

This is actually a core mental resilience technique, which will be elaborated on in full later in the book, but you can start applying the basics now. The first step is to be kinder to yourself whenever you encounter a setback to begin with. For instance, imagine you had a really talented friend try out for an acting audition, only for them to reject him. Would you berate him? Discourage him from ever trying to do something he loves ever again? Remark that he really isn’t anything special? Call him stupid? Or would you suggest that maybe he messed up that night, but he can do better the next night? Everyone messes up sometimes, after all. Or maybe it wasn’t his fault at all; directors and producers are often looking for something very specific when they are finding actors to fill a role, and this applies not only to the stage, or even to art in general, but to commerce, business, and even relationships as a whole. Getting rejected for a job after an interview often says more about their needs or priorities than about your abilities, and if you’re still starting to build up your confidence you might find it tricky to communicate your true abilities to begin with. While this might bring you down, you don’t need to add to it by bringing yourself down further. Speak to yourself the way you’d speak to a close friend or, even better, a small child; patient, gentle, and as encouraging as you can be. Talking to them like they’re stupid or breaking them down won’t make them perform better, but holding back from the harshness, affirming their value, and helping them put their mistake into perspective can all increase the chance they make the mental recovery they need in order to carry on proficiently.

Studies exist that prove such an act of compassion can vastly improve the health of one’s confidence (Morin, 2021). Extend this compassion towards the self. Eschew Comparisons A common perceived ‘failure’ we experience is when we don’t measure up to someone else in our lives. Maybe you earn less than your friend, or even your spouse. Maybe you feel less respected. Perhaps your social media presence isn’t as big as you’d like, compared to the kind of presence held by others you know. I have a friend whose mother always used to say, “Comparisons are odious.” And she’s right. Whether you’re envying those above you, or actively seeking out those you deem ‘below’ you in order to feel better, you’re actually damaging your confidence; either by corroding it with envy, or overinflating it until it becomes brittle and bursts with haughtiness. Comparing yourself to others generally does little besides generate stress on your resilience, wearing it thin for when you actually need it. It also disempowers you; envy in particular can sap your ability to better your situation, as you’ll be so fixated on getting what others have instead of using what’s already yours to get closer to what you actually want. This sapped ability to better yourself can then lead to more instances of envy as more and more people seem to pull ahead of you.

The truth, however, is that you don’t know what it took for them to get there, or what it’s taking for them to stay there. It’s impossible to tell for certain just how happy or content a person is beneath the surface unless you’re deeply intimate with them, and even then you might not know the full story. In general, it becomes much harder to envy someone once you get to see them as a whole, warts and all. For instance, that salary you envy might also mean a strained personal life for the person earning it. The social media mogul might have trouble feeling intimate with anyone, or may be dealing with imposter syndrome. This won’t be true for 100% of cases, but they are very real issues that come with some forms of ‘success’, and whether the costs are worth it or not depends on what matters to you. So, whenever you find yourself making comparisons with others, gently remind yourself to stop, as even if we lay the negative effects of envy aside, it’s not fair to compare yourself to others to begin with when you know all of your own problems and flaws, but few or none of theirs. And no, it isn’t especially healthy to try to level the playing field by obsessing over everyone else’s flaws. That way lies madness and resentment, not grit or resilience. Rather remind yourself that life isn’t a race; the rules aren’t set, and we don’t all have the same starting and finishing lines. It doesn’t matter whether you’re first in the world or not, only that you enjoyed the run.

But what if you still find yourself making comparisons to others? There are several ways to channel this impulse into more constructive manifestations. For instance, if someone is better than you at something, and you want to learn how to reach that level, ask them to teach you. See if they will be your mentor. You can even do this with friends, taking turns to mentor one another where you feel weak so that the group as a whole becomes much stronger, sharing wisdom and knowledge. This can turn the success of others from something that you envy to something that inspires you, or represents a new growth opportunity for you. However, everyone would have had their own failures to overcome before they found their success, and their failures won’t necessarily have been the same as yours. For this reason, don’t take it personally if their advice doesn’t seem to help as you’d hoped. Rather glean what value you can, then move on. Even in a relatively positive context like this, you do not wish to fixate on your comparisons. For more downward comparisons, where you’re comparing yourself to people who you feel are less than you, you can limit the negative effect on your mental resilience by developing conscious gratitude for the skills and resources you have at your disposal. It’s harder to be haughty when you don’t take what you have for granted. Another way to limit the toll on your mental strength is to be willing to act as a mentor to those who ask, just as you might hope to be mentored yourself. This helps validate you, raising

your confidence while also reinforcing your skills as you have to more consciously think about how you use them when you teach. If you can ever take on an opportunity like this, do so, as it’ll help you begin your journey on a growth and training mindset that can last you for life.

Using Trust and Assertiveness to Enhance Your Connections With all this talk about friends, mentors, and self-care, it’s time to address the next major pillar of mental training, connection. You will see that there is some correlation between the quality of one’s connections and the level of one’s confidence. Even the most mentally strong individuals can benefit from having supportive relationships over antagonistic ones. Trust, along with confidence, are the hallmarks of all healthy relationships. Trust is, in itself, a specialized form of confidence, although rather than being focused on one’s abilities, it cares a lot more about character; both your own as well as the character of those around you. You’ll notice that there’s quite a lot of overlap between all seven pillars of mental training, in the same way that there’s often overlap between the organs of a body; each one feeds into and supports the other, and it is their proper functioning as a unit that promotes a healthy organism. In less poetic terms, try to imagine how well a child with a loving, stable family backing and supporting them will perform compared to a child of equal skill from a broken home with a relatively higher amount of uncertainty. Why Build Trust? It’s difficult to capture the art of building trust scientifically, but one can still offer guidelines that have been earned through experience. Like any other tool in your mental training toolbox, they’re there to help you multiply the effectiveness of your efforts.

When you cultivate trust, you’ll help promote a more stable social environment. In many ways, it’s like taking care of your living space, but on an interpersonal level rather than a material one. The more trust there is, the more stable the space, the more energy you’ll have for developing your mental resilience, as less of it will need to get chewed up playing social chess, guessing games, soap opera re-enactments, and other nonsense. Although building trust can be a time-consuming process, the stable space you create can be a welcome area for those who feel similarly to you, who can in turn help solidify that space with their own characters. Trust-Building Techniques 1. Stick to your word. On that note, never make a promise if you aren’t sure you can keep it. Sometimes, you may feel socially pressured into making such a promise, but assertiveness techniques (described below) can help you avoid those kinds of pitfalls. 2. If you have a question, ask. And if you have something to say, say it. This mostly comes down to being clear about what you’ve agreed to do, as well as what your needs or aims are if these things impact how you wish to interact with the person you’re communicating with. 3. If you’re not sure you were understood, seek to clarify. Likewise, if you’re not sure if you’ve understood someone correctly, follow up with another question for clarity.

Sometimes, what we meant to say isn’t what others have understood, and the reverse is true; what someone else meant isn’t always how we’ll interpret their words. For instance, a child once attended their own trial at a juvenile court. When the judge asked where the child’s parents were, the child said that they’re ‘late.’ The judge thought this meant that the parents would be arriving soon, and lost trust when the parents never arrived. The child actually meant that their parents were dead, and lost trust at the judge’s perceived callousness. After all, ‘late’ is often a euphemism for death, is it not? English is full of colloquialisms like this, and how prevalent any given slang is will vary tremendously based on culture, nationality, or even upbringing. It’s impossible to account for how someone’s experience with words can alter the way they interpret yours. So in any exchange where it is vital that the person has understood you, it never hurts to double-check. Likewise, if someone says something that elicits a powerful reaction from you, rather wait a few seconds before doing anything, and ask if they meant what you think they meant. 4. Be patient. Impatience tends to breed further misunderstandings, and allows no time for clarity. Without clarity, you’ll be running your relationship on the basis of “because I say so,” at best, and grudgingly accepting someone’s word isn’t the same thing as genuinely believing in or trusting it. 5. Be the first to offer trust. Not literally the first but, in tense or ambiguous situations, allowing yourself to make a small commitment to someone and then following

through can help break the ice and set the relationship off on the right foot. This is a good way to practice your confidence, to boot, as you’ll be performing a vital social role that many are too shy to. 6. Appreciate those close to you. Or even those that aren’t, if they nonetheless fulfill a helpful role in your life. A good way to show appreciation is to treat them with care and dignity, whether it’s a good day or a bad day. For closer relationships, consistently offering whatever support you can when they need it (even if the only support you can offer is quite small) will do wonders for building trust. Another way to show appreciation is by recognizing the talents or abilities of others; even if someone detests you, a genuine recognition of their ability can help warm them up to you so long as it isn’t just blatant flattery. This becomes easier to do as you stop making personal comparisons. 7. Be honest. This overlaps a little with sticking to your word, but generally no matter what you say, it should line up with what you see as true. Deception is a tool used by the military to fool their enemies. It’s unwise to treat the neutral or friendly people around you as if they are enemies, as you’ll naturally be encouraging the very instability that’ll impact your mental training development. Commanding a group requires truthfulness. This includes letting people know you’ve made a mistake, provided it’s a mistake that could negatively impact them if not corrected. Attempting to hide your mistakes will only make people think that YOU think they are idiots or are unimportant, which is never great for trust. In contrast, the

faster you can make people aware of something that could impact them, and the faster you can solve it (whether alone or together), the more likely you are to earn trust and respect instead of losing it in such situations. 8. Once you know your values, trust in them. Whether they like you or not, people will have an easier time trusting you if your professed beliefs are echoed by your actions and decisions. It’s okay to change your beliefs, of course, but for drastic value changes, it can help to inform those who know you that you’ve made such a change (as well as why, if needed), especially if you believe your previous beliefs were a mistake (see point 7). Assertiveness Establishing effective connections with a wide variety of people requires diplomacy; the ability to clearly communicate your own needs and maintain trust while being considerate of the rights of others. It also involves a willingness to resolve potential conflicts, rather than avoid or exacerbate them. Diplomacy, in turn, is impossible without assertiveness. Compare and contrast to passively accepting whatever comes your way, despite the stress or resentment it incurs within you. Compare and contrast to aggressively promoting your own interests, a short-term technique that wrecks trust and long-term stability as key connections eventually work to avoid or even oppose you. Compare, even to passive-aggressiveness, where your resentment from passively accepting everything has grown so large that you cannot hide the

bitterness or sarcasm from your voice anymore; here, both trust and peace of mind are wrecked. Assertiveness begins when you’re willing to accept that the way people react to what you say isn’t necessarily because of your intended message (see point 3 under the previous subheading) but rather because of the way you said it. The way we say things can carry all sorts of additional subtext, which can either help or hinder the core of what we’re trying to communicate. How to Begin If you’re used to being extremely quiet, or if you have trouble dealing with your anger, assertiveness won’t be built overnight, but you can begin laying the foundation by observing the principles below. The best place to start is with a trusted friend, or in low-risk situations. With a friend, you can outright say, “Hey, I’m working on being more assertive, and would appreciate your support as I undergo this change.” This gives you a relatively safe space to learn and make adjustments to your assertiveness style. From here, acknowledge that your time is valuable. Either you have skills that offer value or joy to others, or you have opportunities to grow, develop, and enjoy yourself. Either way, this time of yours is valuable. So, why not make the most of it? Next time you go out to, say, a restaurant, ask for a specific kind of seat that you enjoy (e.g. “as close as you can get me to the window” or, “where it’s quietest”—both these requests will get

you more or less what you want, while still letting you be brief and flexible; being stubborn isn’t what assertiveness is about). However, even if they consistently fall short of what you want, there’s no need to have a meltdown or to resign yourself to your fate; if politely explaining your needs in clear, simple terms doesn’t get you anywhere, and they still can’t or do not want to help you, simply thank them for accommodating you as best they could, and exercise your power of choice to spend your time elsewhere else next time. In both professional and social settings, practice avoiding statements like, “oh, whatever you want is fine.” If a person is asking you what you want, it means that they care, and wish to know more about your tastes or requirements. So, let them know, and let that process boost your assertiveness to boot. That’s a great double-whammy for strengthening your connection pillar for mental strength. Next, in any setting, be mindful whenever you experience any of the following three emotions: guilt, sadness, or anger. Guilt usually tells us when we’ve hurt someone or done something wrong, but if you’re used to being quiet it’s possible you’ll experience this feeling just by standing up for yourself. If so, remember that turning down someone’s desire or request doesn’t mean you’re turning them down as a person. This goes for romance too; you can turn a person’s date request down (or have yours turned down) without necessarily having to reject them as a whole, just be genuine. “We can still be friends,” should only be said if you mean it, otherwise be upfront, but not vicious (“No thank you, I’d rather not”).

Sadness and anger, meanwhile, are valid emotions. However, they do not aid in conflict resolution. If you can feel these emotions welling up inside you to the point they’re overtaking you, do not feel as if you need to hide them. Pent-up emotions don’t help your resilience. However, letting these feelings dominate your words or actions isn’t any good either, and can actually push you further away from what you really want. So rather take the third option, and ask to put whatever discussion you’re currently participating in on hold, politely excuse yourself if you need more space, and then let those emotions wash over you, flow through you, then flow out of you. Close your eyes to cut down on overwhelming stimuli, and breathe deeply, giving yourself space to reboot. Once you feel calm, you can return to the conversation. Breathe slowly, and keep your voice steady. This way, you have a better chance of getting what you want without relying on fear or guilt. Next, and this is a HUGE one, use simple ‘I’ statements when being assertive (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2020). Assertiveness is about communicating your needs after all, so keep things within that framework. For instance, “I won’t be able to do this properly with the schedule I have,” is more assertive than, “You never give a second thought to what my workload is like, do you?” which is much more accusatory. Accusing people, generally, puts them on the defensive, and is more likely to create conflict than resolve it. Again, saying “I don’t think that’s right,” is

much better than, “You’re wrong.” Notice how, in the ‘I’ statement, the idea is being disagreed with, not the person. On the flip side, if you’re more passive, “I’d appreciate your help here,” is a huge improvement over, “You can contribute something if, you know, you’d like to,” and is also much better than the more aggressive, “You’d better do something about this.” This also applies to more intimate settings. For instance, how can you compare the loving and resilient, “I really miss you, and I’d like to do something special with you soon,” to the bitter, “You’re never around anymore. Do you even care?” Whether you’re setting boundaries at work, voicing a disagreement, requesting help or revealing a desire for renewed intimacy, can you see how dramatic the difference is when you take a moment to frame your desires assertively? Also note how setting boundaries does not mean putting your foot down or exploding with emotion, but can mean that you’ve simply chosen to change your approach. For instance, if your boss keeps dumping work on you without regard for your schedule, setting a boundary can simply mean scheduling a meeting with him or her to come up with a better work assignment system. In a relationship, a boundary can mean having safewords for sensitive topics or activities, or taking time to voice your needs and listen to theirs until an effective agreement is reached. Boundaries don’t have to feel restrictive; many boundaries, such as mutual agreements, can feel guiding and helpful rather than constraining.

Building on that, if you ever need to explain something you’ve said while trying to be assertive, only say what is necessary. We like to think that the more we say, the more information we convey, but that isn’t always true. Often, the more we say, the harder it becomes for people to focus on the core of our message, as we pile on debris of superfluous excuses, promises, or something else. On the flip side, don’t assume people can read your mind. When in doubt, keep to the three S’s of assertiveness; be Short, be Simple, and be Specific about what you need, both in your initial statement and if you need to give further clarification. If you have trouble avoiding long explanations, and constantly find yourself speaking enough one-sided words to fill up one of these chapters during your conversations, try writing a general explanation you’d give in a common situation. Then, try to get the word count as low as possible while keeping the core of your message intact. Then, rehearse this simpler, more direct explanation so it feels more natural to you. If you’re already practicing assertiveness with a friend, you can even rehearse in front of them and ask for feedback, and then they can help you potentially reduce the word count further. They might even help you realize an explanation isn’t even needed for the situation you describe, reducing your word count to zero!

Finally, be mindful of your body. People make assumptions about us all the time based on our postures and facial expressions, and if they’re exhausted or sleep-deprived it can be considerate (i.e. good for your trust and connections) to avoid giving signals that’ll confuse them. Unless it’s cold, don’t cross your arms, otherwise you may come across more defensively than you intend. If you know your resting face is a scowl, practice something more objectively neutral or even positive in front of a mirror, so you don’t come across more aggressively than you think. In general, the wider you open your eyes, and the thinner you make your lips, the angrier you’ll seem, especially if your face is sitting at a slight downwards angle too. Keeping your face mostly parallel to that of whoever you’re speaking to can help them feel more at ease. To further keep people at ease during effective communication, eye contact about 50% of the time is enough while speaking, but when you’re listening (and you’ll need to listen in order for your conversation to be clear and effective for both sides; you can’t be persuasive if you don’t listen), aim for closer to 70%. Combine these principles with your trust-building techniques and, given time, you’ll find your connection pillar will strengthen dramatically, which will in turn make it easier for you to keep developing a meaningful sense of confidence.

Chapter 3: Keeping Your Word to Yourself – the Unsung Toughness Technique

Why You Should Give Special Attention To Self-Trust In the previous chapter, we spent a great deal of time pouring over ways to build trust with others. However, it is just as important, if not more so, that you build trust with yourself. Though this may seem a ridiculous notion at first, anyone who has struggled with addiction, self-doubt, moral dilemmas, or similar situations can appreciate that self-trust would’ve been a very powerful ally to have in such scenarios. Heck, even if you’ve just been struggling with positive self-talk, you may have already begun to realize that building meaningful trust in yourself is the key to deepening your ability to pep yourself up, stay cool in the face of setbacks, and maintain your overall confidence in general. You’ll be living with yourself for literally your whole life, no matter what you do or where you go, so it’s wise to forge the best relationship you possibly can with yourself. This form of self-connection is vital not only for your confidence and connections, but also for your character. After all, what good is it to uphold morals or values if you don’t really trust yourself to follow through on them when it counts? You need to be able to trust that you’re making the best decisions you can for yourself in any given moment, based on the knowledge you have, and you need to be able to trust that you can forgive yourself on the occasions where you turned out to be wrong. Much like building trust with anyone else in the world, this trust you form with yourself cannot pop into existence just because you demand it. Even though the process of self-trust is fully internal, that trust must still be

earned, and you must still show a willingness to be patient… this time, with yourself. Happily, the similarities between building trust with others and building trust within yourself don’t end there. For example, one of the simplest ways to begin building self-trust is to stick to your word… that you give yourself. Keeping small promises to yourself is honestly a great starting point, and many of the methods used for laying down a foundation for confidence actually overlap with this. For instance, if you consistently practice a method of caring for your body, you’re effectively giving—and keeping—your word that you’ll continue to make life easier and generally more pleasant for yourself. While it is good to care for others, affirming within yourself that you still have your own best interests at heart is vital for being mentally resilient; during times where it’s difficult to make contact with your connections, in times where you feel all alone and don’t know where to turn, it can be a great comfort to know that you can still count on yourself. However, re-applying the advice from the previous chapter in this new context is only the beginning. When you’re ready to push things further, or if you feel stuck and want to explore a new angle, you can do so through...

Making Habits The ‘Why’ of It Habits are tools that define just how easy or difficult we find it to keep our word to ourselves in any number of different situations. Perhaps, early in your school career, you were taught a little about the difference between good habits and bad habits. Like most things in school, what you were told was just the simplified, theme-park version of the full deal. There are no set “good habits” or “bad habits” per se; only habits that help you build your mental resilience, and habits that get in your way. Habits define what we do on a consistent basis. They influence what we spend our time doing, and what we spend our time thinking about when we aren’t doing anything in particular. Habits are, effectively, what make up the people we are today. Even if all your memories were to be wiped out in this instant, if your habits were to somehow survive you’d still find yourself eventually falling into the same patterns and rhythms from before your wipe. Even long after we forget why we do something, our habits compel us to keep doing it, with scarcely a skeptical question from within raised as to why. But why is this? Why does our body form habits at all? Contrary to what the previous paragraphs may have implied, habits aren’t there to enslave you to a way of life. In fact, with a little bit of know-how it becomes easy to achieve mastery over your habits and, through this, a great deal more mastery over your life as a whole. But I digress.

Your habits were formed by your body primarily as a means to save energy. It takes a lot of energy to think. World-class chess champions have lost serious amounts of weight from the strain of the thinking they do. Even an average human brain uses a whopping 20% of the body’s energy while doing nothing in particular. Oh, and your brain is only 2% of your body’s total mass. In other words, your mind is less than half a twentieth of your body, yet uses a fifth of its energy just by daydreaming, and can use much more for more mentally stimulating tasks. When you’re young, and still forming your fundamental habits (e.g. when you’re 5 or 6 years old) your brain uses 60% of your body’s energy. That’s nearly two-thirds of your stamina, all to fuel two percent of your body. Woah. Habits, then, are a natural tool to help us boost our resilience; by saving energy on what you do regularly, you have more energy to cope with unexpected circumstances. It’s also a way for the brain to turn a difficult, energy-consuming task into one that’s so easy you barely need to spare a conscious thought for it at all. If you still have access to your legs, compare how difficult it was to first walk as a small child to how easy and automatic it is now. If you’ve earned your license, compare how difficult it was for you to drive when you were first learning: remember how much of a faff it was to remember exactly where each pedal was, how to move the gear around, what each sign on the

road meant, and more, and compare it to today where you don’t even need to consciously think about half of this stuff to get it right anymore, allowing you to focus more of your thought on observing the cars and pedestrians around you, making you a more skilled and competent driver. A powerful good habit like this can extend this same level of confidence and competence to many other areas of your life. When your habits are in line with your values, you’ll also find it much easier to keep your word to yourself and, in essence, “do the right thing.” Eventually, when you have many habits like this running in you at once, whether you perform according to your standards or values ceases to be a matter of motivation; you could feel utterly demoralized, but still have the personal momentum to follow through regardless. Good habits that support your needs, values, and goals are, then the foundation for your true grit. The ‘How’ of It Habits, mechanically, consist of four parts; a cue, a craving, a response, and a reward (Clear, 2013). However, for mental training purposes we can simplify this into just two parts; a cue and a response. For instance, your alarm clock going off is a cue, getting out of bed (or hitting snooze, if that’s the way you play) is a response.

Getting out of bed might, in turn, be a cue in its own right, with having a drink, taking a shower, and/or getting dressed being your next responses, perhaps even in that order. A chain of cues and responses that overlap and feed off one another like this is known as a ‘routine’. The reason cues work is because they create a sense of craving within us. All habits, with their cues and responses, are built on past actions that we’ve taken. If we enjoyed (or become dependent on) something we did in the past then the cue is effectively a promise that if we respond the same way again, we’ll be rewarded for it. So, we then do the response, and get our reward. However, our values, priorities, and even extended needs tend to change as we grow, and what may have been alright as a reward before might be detrimental to us now. For example, imagine a sexually frustrated teenager decides to explore pornography as a way to release the tension in their body. Perhaps they feel some shame around it, but the release is so good that at this point they don’t really mind. This continues long enough to become a habit (as few as 18 days, as many as 254, but usually an average of 66, or about two months). Now, imagine that, against all odds, they start a serious relationship with someone they genuinely care for. In this scenario, the teen realizes that continuing their porn habit may encourage them to oversexualize their

partner, develop sexual expectations rooted in fiction instead of truth, or otherwise get in the way of a healthy, fulfilling relationship; something they don’t want to happen. So they decide, “okay, out of respect for my partner and out of respect for myself, I’ll no longer engage in this habit,” and then, through willpower alone, this teen succeeds… at least, at first. But then the relationship hits a rocky bump, or maybe the teen’s dog dies, or maybe someone’s parents get a divorce, and suddenly our teen caves and dives right back into their world of porn, against what they promised themselves, and against what they promised their partner. Is this because they were weak-willed? Although they clearly haven’t undergone much mental training, it’s not as simple as a matter of will. You may have experienced something along similar lines; for instance, something like trying to start a new diet or lifestyle, only to find yourself stress-eating excessive amounts of your favorite comfort food after a bad day. However, this does not make you weak-willed; it just makes you human. Part of what makes the cues of our habits so compelling is because the reward isn’t just whatever change our response will bring about. The reward is also the comfort of familiarity, or association. Holding to what we know, or keeping the things we associate with one another together, is a common coping mechanism.

However, when what we find familiar goes against what we want or need, this form of coping becomes a mechanism that only delays our hollowing out, rather than acting correctly as a process that stops or reverses it. Giving in to what we know as bad habits, or having trouble forming new good ones isn’t necessarily because you don’t have enough grit, but rather because of one simple truth. You cannot make a habit of abstinence … but you can make habits that help you abstain. As a corollary to that, you’re much more likely to succeed when you expand on an existing habit vs. trying to create a new one entirely. The more familiar a new habit feels compared to an existing one, the faster the new one will cement itself. Now, in terms of abstinence, remember that a habit is always a cue and a response. A response requires action, and abstinence is restraint; in other words, no action at all. So, if you try to get rid of a habit by not doing it, you’ll find it never really goes away. If you want to mentally train yourself to do something else, you need to instead take that cue that’s troubling you… and attach another response to it. The more similar your new response is to the old one, the easier it’ll be for you to get rid of the old habit and make the new one stick. You don’t need to move in great leaps. In fact, the smaller the change, the higher the chance

of success, so habit changes should always be made as strategic and practical as possible. For instance, let’s say our teen from earlier primarily watched porn via their phone each night whenever they got into bed. We have two cues we could work with here; getting into bed, and pulling out the phone. On good days, where will is still sufficient, instead of not doing anything in particular before bed, the teen can instead, deliberately and consistently, choose to practice a new response to their cue. A response that still feels familiar enough to be enjoyable or to match with ingrained associations, but this time lies a little bit closer to what the teen actually values, and a little bit further away from their current compulsion. As an example, if the teen values the idea of stories, characters, or information, then instead of pulling out their phone as a response to getting into bed, they could pull out a book. Perhaps a steamy romance novel, so that their new response still feels similar enough to their old one to have that feeling of familiarity within sensuality. This would be the most obvious step towards their true values while still keeping the action familiar enough to ingrain quickly. Of course, a teen who’s more passionate about taking care of their body (or a teen with a long enough memory to recall that porn was their way of releasing tension in their body) might choose to perform pilates or yoga before bed instead, but the underlying principle is the same either way.

So either way, eventually a bad day happens. Previously, the teen might’ve felt a wave of desire to engage in their old habit the moment the cue came up, with little ability to resist, but now they have a secret weapon. They have a choice. Their cue comes up, and they find they are no longer restricted to one automatic behavior. They still feel a strong pull in that direction, to be sure, but now they also have an ‘out’ that’s pulling at them too. So, they feel a deep wave of desire to watch porn again… but they made a promise to themselves, they want to keep it, and now they also have a fairly strong desire to just read instead. And so they just read. Or do pilates, if you prefer the more physical teen. Of course, they may struggle or even relapse a few times, but as they continue to develop their preferred response, and ingrain it deeper, they find their compulsion to relapse lessen and lessen. After a while, what started as an easy tactic to loosen the vice-like grip of an old bad habit can become the foundation for a new good habit. The teen’s nightly reading, for instance, could be extrapolated into a general habit and practicable love for reading overall, if they felt so inclined. This idea can be applied to form or reform any habit you wish. For instance, do you like the idea of writing, but never seem to be able to find the time? Next time you get a cue to text (e.g. the bingle of social media), respond by typing out the first few words of your new short story.

Want to limit late-night texting in your life? Instead of keeping your phone on before bed, literally write letters out by hand for all the important people in your life, or to whomever you normally speak to before bed. Then, photograph those letters and send them through the next day; it’s a sweet gesture that not only makes it easier for you to wind down before bed, but also comes across as more intimate; if you mostly text as a way to deepen connections, this new way of doing things may become a compelling new response indeed. What about if you want to cut down on fast food? Next time you go shopping, pick up loads of lower-GI treats, or at least something with a bit of fiber in it, and keep these snacks on-hand. Keep them in your desk, in your car, keep them wherever your cue for fast food gets triggered. Then, on good days, simply graze off the snack you pre-chose instead. Then, on bad days you’ll find it much easier to stick to your intentions, rather than your older compulsions. Your own desires, values, and goals might mean you wish to reform very different habits, but you get the general idea. If you find yourself consistently taking an action you don’t like, but you know roughly what makes the action feel so rewarding and compelling regardless, and if you also know what the cue or trigger for that action is, you can search for alternate actions that capture the best parts of your old response, and use that to form a new response that you’ll be able to stick to, more often than not. On the flip side, if you can’t think of any bad habits you wish to address at the moment, but would still like to bring in some new good ones, try to find

ways to attach them as responses to existing cues in your life. For instance, making fatigue a cue to drink water (rather than a cue to lie down and give up) can help you reinforce a more consistent hydration habit. Certainly, it’d get you into the rhythm of staying hydrated much faster than just telling yourself, “I have to drink X amount of water a day.” No matter how you choose to go about building new helpful habits, however, always remember that while this is a tool that can reduce or replace your dependency on motivation or high morale during tough times, it is also a tool that can only enhance self-trust, not replace it. You still need to be willing to show yourself patience, especially given the potential time it can take to really ingrain a new response, and you still need to show a partiality towards communicating your needs assertively, even to yourself (as opposed to accusing or lecturing yourself over perceived slights or mistakes; the former gives you a way to gauge how much closer you are to meeting those needs, while the latter will always make you feel like you’re further away than you should be).

Goals Now that you have a better idea of how habits work, it’s time for us to tackle goals. Goals can be thought of as standards, or guiding posts that help us streamline our decision-making and keep our actions in perspective (Heshmat, 2017). However, unlike habits, which streamline our actions through repetition, familiarity, and the harnessing of our subconscious, goals streamline our actions through maintaining awareness of a core ideal, and then forming strategies around how to get closer to that ideal. The more defined the ideal, the more practical it is to reach. A vague or fuzzy ideal, on the other hand, is as easy to touch as a rainbow. In terms of keeping your word to yourself and building greater self-trust, goals are a tool that allow you to easily check your actions. Whenever you feel tempted to say or do something, a solid goal allows you to ask, “Will this decision bring me closer to what I actually want? Will it create opportunities that could bring me closer to what I want?” Overcoming fears around big life-changes, or displaying more grit when breaking out of our comfort zone, isn’t so daunting when questions like the above help us see the potential benefits. To start creating goals that guide you, start by picking any ideal you genuinely appreciate or enjoy, no matter how abstract it may seem at first.

For example, inner peace, emotional stability, mental resilience, or a stronger heart may all be ideals you wish to strive for. If it’s something you’re proud of about yourself and wish to develop further, something you genuinely appreciate (not envy) in others and aspire to grow in yourself, it’s a worthy value and ideal for creating goals. For the time being, when deciding between ideals or values, choose the one that feels the most resonant, or feels the best or most natural for you to approach now. Next, think of a more specific course of action you can take that will bring your chosen ideal or value closer to reality for you. For instance, “I want to be more mentally resilient,” might be your abstract ideal, long-term aspiration, or your overall aim (the aim you’d base the above questions around), but it isn’t yet an actionable goal. It’s still a fuzzy rainbow at this point. So, how do we transform it from one into the other? Write down your ideal, or speak it aloud to yourself, then spend some time brainstorming. This could be 10 minutes, 30 minutes or even several 10-30 minute sessions over the course of a few days; take your time. During this time, think of (and write down) specific courses of action that can bring you closer to this ideal of yours. The act of writing them down is important, as what is written on solid matter becomes a much better guide or reminder than what is left solely within your gray matter. Your brain will have a lot on its plate from time to time, and it can be difficult to remember our goals when it feels like we’re barely even getting through the day, but that doesn’t mean your goals aren’t important, or that they should be left to be forgotten or ignored. So, write them down, and they’ll stick by you and help your

mind recenter itself simply by rereading them, staying on course in spite of unexpected hurdles. In the case of, “I want to be more mentally resilient,” you have all sorts of actionable goals you can put in place, even before one considers the opportunities your personal circumstances might afford. For example, “I wish to consistently read at least two pages of this book per day, no matter what else is going on,” or, “I wish to consistently include more of the foods mentioned in Chapter 2 at least 3 days a week,” or even, “I’ll aim to get in 10 minutes of exercise per day to relieve stress” are all valid ways to manifest your aim, ideal, or intention as an actionable goal. However, while it may be tempting to take on all of this (and more) at the same time, you may find that this makes you diffuse. This is not a failure on your part. An elephant is best eaten mouthful by mouthful, a grand cathedral is laid brick by brick, and a marathon is finished one step at a time. So, once you’ve brainstormed enough potential courses of action to take around your ideal (e.g. ‘enough’ means you’re happy with the number of options written before you), choose the one that stands out as the most urgent or important to you. Achieving this course of action according to your chosen measure is now your goal. This doesn’t mean you can’t have more than one actionable goal running at once, of course! However, the self-control and motivation needed to achieve an actionable goal becomes stronger when you’re only focusing on

one at a time, with no feelings of guilt or stress around any of the others. It’s for this reason that running only one actionable goal at a time is recommended when you’re just starting out. Another great aid (especially if you absolutely need to run more than one actionable goal at once) is to use your habits as platforms for your goals (e.g. adding an ‘exercise’ response to the cue of your alarm clock, then working up to getting your 10 minutes of exercise a day that way—sit-ups, jumping jacks, and crazy dances are just exaggerated versions of the movements you already make when getting out of bed, so it’s not a bad way to quickly work towards your goal). Your goals themselves can also become habits in their own right, once you’ve practiced them enough. There is no shame in starting small. A small goal can always be built on once it is achieved or has become a habit (e.g. 10 minutes, once habitual, can be built into 15 minutes if you want, then eventually 20, 30…), but a seemingly impossible goal can be demoralizing. Compare the feeling you get saying, “I will clean my whole house today,” vs. the feeling you get when you say, “I’ll just clean the floors today so they feel nice under my feet.” Always start things where they are smallest or easiest. It’s a way to get your metaphorical foot in the door of whatever you want to achieve. On a similar note, do not feel like you need to always have a goal running; do not take on goals for the sheer sake of it, but instead always create a goal when there’s a specific end-state you want to grow closer to achieving. The more personal this end-state is to you, the more grit you’ll be able to bring to bear, ensuring you can always follow through.

Prioritize No matter what your goal is, however, it is unlikely to exist in a vacuum. Whenever you set your goal, it also helps to decide where it falls on your personal hierarchy. You can do this by asking, and answering, the following questions: What am I willing to set aside to ensure this goal succeeds? What kind of circumstance can I foresee being more important than this goal? For instance, if those 10 minutes of exercise (or whatever other goal it may be) might somehow make you miss out on supporting a loved one on a crucial day, you may very well decide to put progress towards your goal on hold for that day, or at least make that progress secondary to these special circumstances. Asking yourself these questions before you set out on your goal in earnest allows you to be more up-front with yourself. When you can admit to yourself beforehand what you’d likely place before achieving your goal (e.g. what value might trump your goal’s value given specific circumstances), then you essentially permit yourself to do so, giving you some psychological flexibility to act sensitively towards your circumstances without hurting your trust with yourself. For instance, being terribly ill is a common foreseeable circumstance, and admitting to yourself, “I’ll prioritize getting better over continuing my goal on that day,” can make it easier to prevent overworking yourself when you

need rest; sure, you may still work towards your goal in some way that day, but you won’t beat yourself up if you fall short of your normal standards. In the case of exercises, you might specifically choose to google moves you can comfortably do while ill, such as a slow solo dance or a short walk (as opposed to the longer walks, runs, or jumping jacks you might normally do if you were healthy). However, no matter what your goal is, whether you’re healthy or ill, single or attached, it also helps to know when to fold ‘em. We only have so much time in our lives, let alone in a single day. If you find the goal you’ve chosen isn’t supporting your values or ideals anymore, or if the progress is far too slow, you’re well within your rights to disengage from your current goal, write out what you learned from practicing it, and then use that experience to confidently select a new goal that can still serve or support your overall aims. As an example of effective disengaging, imagine what might have happened if Thomas Edison kept trying to make the lightbulb work with a specific design, or specific materials? His willingness to disengage from a specific course of action that was proving wasteful, while still keeping to his overall abstract aim (inventing his own version of the lightbulb) ensured he’d eventually succeed, rather than get stuck developing tunnel vision and wasting time.

Chapter 4: No Need to Pretend Everything’s Okay – Guidelines On Cultivating a Practical Positive Outlook for Enhanced Resilience If you were to look online for information on mental training, you’d see plenty of recommendations like, “build a positive attitude,” or, “develop a better outlook,” yet it’s rather rare for these sites to elaborate on what this actually means, and how such a thing can be transformed from an aim to an actionable goal. This chapter will help you better understand the first point, and then perform the second. A positive outlook is absolutely essential to having a personally strong sense of confidence, competence, coping, and control. As stated before, there are times where goals need to be abandoned or put on hold. There will be times where we mess up and, while talking to yourself as if you were your own best friend does help you maintain a steady mind through all this, there may be times where such self-counsel doesn’t feel like enough. This is where having a deeper understanding of positivity can be a tremendous mental training asset.

What Does it Mean to Have a Positive Outlook? Having a positive outlook is not about being happy all the time, nor is it about smiling and laughing 24/7. A positive outlook, much like mental strength in general, is not about displaying an absence of negativity or sadness, but is rather an ability to bounce back from a dark point or experience and carry on as best you can. Likewise, in the same way that mental strength can be fortified by limiting the things in your life that needlessly tax and drain your mental energy, you can fortify a positive outlook by choosing to focus your perceptions and invest your energies wisely. Wise focus, in this case, means centering your mind not on what you can’t do, but on what you can do. This doesn’t mean you ignore your weaknesses; centering on one thing doesn’t mean you need to become oblivious to the other. Rather, centering your mind on what you can do means that you continue to view yourself in a bright or positive light in spite of your weaknesses. When we overly focus on what we cannot do, when we build a habit of thinking to ourselves, “Oh, this can’t work out because I’m bad at X,” or, “I’m not good enough for Y,” then it becomes easier and easier to just assume that X won’t work out, or that we’re simply not good enough, even before we’ve thought our problems through logically. But why? Why should anyone limit themselves in this way? What it means to have a positive outlook is that you can look at yourself and say, “Okay, well maybe X won’t work out, and maybe my skills aren’t

sharp enough for Y yet, but I can still do Z, I’m pretty good at W, and if I make a goal or a habit of working on Y, I’ll be good enough to do it in good time.” A positive mindset also means that, while you can admit you can’t always choose what you think or what you feel in any given situation, you still have the full power of choice over how you handle those thoughts and emotions. A positive mindset acknowledges that even when it feels like we’re losing control of the things around us, or the things within us, who we ultimately are or what we ultimately choose to do is still entirely down to us. Of that, we always have control. We also have control over how we continue with life after emerging from a period where we felt we had no control. A positive mindset realizes that what we once were does not have to define what we want to grow into right now, and that what we feel in any given moment does not need to automatically define how we spend the rest of our lives. A positive mindset recognizes that, while happiness isn’t permanent, neither is sadness, anger, or envy. A positive mindset can also tell that while slower-burning sensations such as grief or depression may linger on for now, through consistent action in the right direction these feelings can eventually give way to lingering contentment instead. It is a mindset that, even at your lowest, lets you look at all the places where you feel deficient, find the part of you that feels most sufficient, and recognize that sliver of sufficiency. Once recognized, it is our sufficiencies that, when turned into actions, let us get through trying times with resilience.

Cultivating Positivity Challenge Negative Thoughts When creating any sort of action plan, it is natural for us to think of reasons around why our ideas wouldn’t work. This helps us anticipate potential threats to our goals, letting us refine or adjust our strategies preemptively. The argument here, then, is that it is unrealistic to expect things to always go well for us all the time, and that we should behave accordingly. However, the reverse is also true; it is unrealistic to believe that everything in this world is against you. Being overly pessimistic or cynical is no more realistic than being overly optimistic. However, if that cynicism turns into self-doubt, you may be unwittingly eroding your own sense of confidence or even negatively impacting your competence. Therefore, if you spend a lot of time critiquing your ideas, or the ideas of others, but not much time recognizing or expanding on the good in them, it can become very easy to fall into an unrealistically negative or pessimistic mindset that only holds you back. The easy counter to this is to start critiquing your negativity right back. Next time you feel the urge to say, “Sorry to bother you…” take a moment to ask yourself: are you really a bother to this person? How do you know? Are you a mind-reader? Maybe they like you, and would love to help if you ask nicely. This is not the only example of critiquing your negative inner voice.

Imagine someone saying, “I’m not very creative…” Okay, well why would they think that? Did they get a bad grade in art class? Painting, drawing, and the like don’t necessarily equate to creativity. The entrepreneur who follows through on their idea, or the scientist who keeps testing innovative hypotheses is just as creative as the artist working on their next social or aesthetic masterpiece. Engineering as a profession wouldn’t be relevant if its practitioners didn’t exercise creativity to solve the ever-changing problems that come with modern needs. But what if their narrative is instead, “I’m not very smart/smart enough…” What if? Would this be because of the marks they got in school? Or was it because it was something people kept saying? Were they right? Were they being honest in their words, or just being hurtful? Even if they were right, what stops one from learning? Intelligence isn’t static, it’s plastic and fluid, much like the brain itself. We form new neural pathways all the time. Maybe you might feel more comfortable starting on the simpler end of a topic, but that doesn’t make one dumb; a willingness to learn, when followed through, is both a sign and safeguard of intelligence. Although a theoretical physicist or a grand strategist has a very special kind of intelligence, how can one compare that to the emotional intelligence of an effective therapist, or the agricultural expertise of a farmer who’s been expanding their craft their whole lives?

Whenever a negative thought or limiting belief pops up in your head, or slips through into your words, the first thing you should ask is, “Is that true?” If it isn’t, why keep saying it to yourself? And even if it is true, remember that the rules for assertive communication and effective trust-building haven’t vanished just because you’re speaking to yourself now. Common limiting beliefs and negative thoughts that can be questioned are: 1. I shouldn’t do something exceptional or unusual from my normal routine unless I have permission from someone If you need to do something, and if there’s no law or rule against doing it as you are, why seek out special permission? 2. I shouldn’t do something unless it’ll get me approval from someone else You’re still someone, and doing something that you’ll personally approve of is still worthwhile; it’s your life after all, why live it solely according to what others want? If it’s because you aren’t sure what you want, then set aside some me-time to find out. Review your aims and see how you can make them actionable. 3. I am lazy and unmotivated It’s easy to feel this way when in a draining environment, when you have few supportive connections or few supportive habits. Are you really lazy, or is your current lifestyle (whether busy or not) burning you out?

4. I don’t know who I am or where to begin Not knowing where to begin with yourself implies that there’s a wrong place to begin. Is that true? According to whom? Not knowing who you are implies you wouldn’t learn if you consistently took the time to write about your memories, thoughts, or emotions? Is that true? 5. It’s too late to change Change is according to a schedule you set for yourself. Others can leave their input on it, but it’s easy to do that when they don’t live your life. You’re living it though. When in doubt, keep to your own schedule, especially if it allows room to make the changes you want. Old dogs can learn new tricks; in fact, it’s scientifically proven that such learning can lift the spirits of both dogs and humans well into their old age, fighting off the onset of apathy (Freeman, 2018). Learning can be a great buffer for mental strength. It doesn’t have to be calculus or astrophysics either; anything novel or new to you will do, no matter how simple it may seem, so long as you genuinely find it interesting and are willing to try new things with it. The above list isn’t exhaustive by any means, but hopefully it illustrates the point; negative thoughts aren’t the be-all, end-all of who you are by any means. Perhaps they may be obstacles, but rarely are they dead ends. In fact, they can even be catalysts; it becomes easy to set a new actionable goal or create a supportive habit when it’s to combat a limiting belief you wish to shake off. Let Yourself Enjoy the Good Around You

Our negative thoughts and limiting beliefs are, in many ways, informed by what we perceive around us. To deepen our grit, then, debunking these beliefs is only the first step. The next step is tackling the cognitive issues that tend to sprout these beliefs in the first place. All-Or-Nothing Thinking This is a mode of thinking where something is either entirely good, or entirely bad, with little middle ground. This polarizing mindset can be problematic because it inclines us to resent what we do not automatically enjoy. This can make tasks feel more arduous than they should. To counter this, allow your language to change slightly. Instead of framing actions in terms of “I must do X,” as much as possible rather aim to frame them in terms of “I get to do X.” For instance, a professional photographer can either frame their job as, “I must take pictures of people to earn my living in this world,” or they could frame their job as, “I get to capture memories that others will cherish, and I get to do this all day if I want.” Which method of framing do you think will keep them feeling motivated and confident? Which method of framing will help them feel energetic longer? Let’s try something else. Imagine an office worker, doing admin. They can either frame their vocation as, “I must work nine to five for five days a week to survive,” or they could frame it as, “I get to work a steady job that supports me, with benefits and a weekend off!”

On a more personal note, one could even frame writing a book (like this one) as a matter of money or survival... but then the writing would suffer, grit would diminish, and inspiration wouldn’t have the mental strength needed to be used properly. In contrast, the best work comes through when one instead says, “I get to spend my days writing literature that not only solidifies my experiences, but also allows others to benefit from them.” Even in scenarios where you might want to move to another vocation eventually, that doesn’t mean that you can’t appreciate at least part of what you’re doing right now. If you’re able to say, “I get to work a job that supports my values and allows room for growth,” then no matter what it is, you effectively have one of the best jobs on Earth for your stage of life. Maybe others won’t see it that way, but maybe that’s why they don’t get to do what you’re doing, whereas you get to be progressively better at it. Few things in life are completely good, or completely bad. Let yourself enjoy the good in all things, so that you’ll be in a better frame of mind to deal with the bad. As implied before, this technique can help even if you intend to step away from a situation eventually, as being able to utilize the good can help you keep your morale up while you hang in there and make your plans. On a Similar Note… Allow yourself to appreciate the effort you put into any given action, and allow yourself to notice the things you did well or got right. Success and failure aren’t binary states; they’re a spectrum split by a thin line.

In the same way that events or circumstances are seldom wholly good or wholly bad, no one can be described as completely perfect or a complete screw-up. Denigrating your own efforts just because you believe things didn’t go ‘perfectly’ is just doing yourself a disservice. Things rarely go exactly as we expect, and just because the outcome isn’t exactly as you envisioned it doesn’t mean it was bad. Likewise, even in situations where you genuinely do screw up, that doesn’t mean you can’t learn anything from that situation to help you succeed admirably next time, even if all you learned was, “I’ll need to practice a bit more,” or, in a social setting, “I need to work on timing and reading the room if I want to make more successful jokes.” But what of grief? When in tremendous grief, it’s natural to feel like so much is falling apart. Recovering from a deep loss can take time, even when using the mental resilience techniques and support systems mentioned throughout this book so far. Here, be especially gentle with yourself. If you were too demoralized to even step outside the house for the past few days, count walking to your mailbox and back as a small success. From perceived screw-ups over this period, let the lesson be, “I’ll need to be more patient with myself,” or, if you’re really struggling to get things done, “Maybe it’ll be okay to have another acquaintance or loved one come in and help me keep my environment in order.” Harness Your Knowledge of Habits In the same way that you can increase your positivity by shaking off limiting beliefs, you can further boost your morale by using your knowledge of habits to shake off any negative behaviors that keep bringing

you down. Although how this works was already covered in the last chapter, there are some common negative habits that you might not even be actively aware of, but can now easily supplant once they’re pointed out. Additionally, there are some simple positive habits you can employ to help you lift your spirits high (in addition to the suggestions made in Chapters 2 and 3; you can’t go wrong turning self-care and assertiveness into habits). For example… Take Control of Your Media Consumption, Keep Your Info Intake Actionable Tragedy sells. War, murder, disaster and more are all broadcast daily for our viewing pleasure. Even the divisive and polarizing dramas around politics make for great viewing. However, if you’re already dealing with difficult circumstances such as financial issues, the loss of a loved one, or any other major or chronic event that is wearing you down, such news isn’t necessarily what you need to hear to keep going. Whenever you hear a piece of media on the news, have the courage to ask yourself, “Is this news helping me further my aims?” Then, “Is this news giving me any actionable information that I care about?” Reports on tragedies halfway across the country, or halfway across the world, won’t do you any good if you’re stuck as a passive viewer that has to

just let the disheartening information seep in. Regarding reports or the general media consumption of real-life calamities, one can only say this: if you genuinely care about the plight of strangers, and have the strength to assist them, then rather research what local charities, shelters, or children’s homes are in your area, and see what you can do to support them. If you don’t care, or if you do care but don’t have the time or strength, rather stay away from that sort of news entirely. Not because ignorance is bliss, mind you, but because if you’re in a situation where your heart is bleeding or fuming for real life, contemporary people, but you’re unable to help them, then all you’re doing is teaching yourself to feel helpless and reinforcing the limiting belief that you cannot do anything to make a difference. To prevent this, the best thing you can do for the time being is set boundaries so that you focus on self-care and on building up your own strength. This can be achieved by supplanting a habit of watching televised realworld violence, stupidity, or tragedy with a burgeoning habit for watching media on self-growth instead, or a habit of viewing media that draws attention to the beauty in this chaotic, savage world. This branch of perspective can help prevent emotional or empathetic drain, making it easier to put your full heart into more local happenings in your daily life. Then, as soon as you have the bare minimum of confidence to do so, you can extend your hand to volunteer programs or, if that sounds like too much work/doesn’t align with your values, you can instead extend your hand towards those few people you care for most. Either way this can help

solidify the connection and contribution pillars of mental resilience, which can feed-back positively into your overall mental wellbeing. For volunteer work in particular, however, you’ll likely learn many new skills and habits in the process, meaning your competence will rise too. Even if you don’t have strong care for strangers per se, if you’re at a loss on how to grow further then this can be a great way to learn how to care not only for other human beings, but also for yourself as your experience in upliftment can then be turned inward towards yourself or towards other personal relationships. Can Fiction Be Actionable? Yes! It most certainly can. Whenever you read, watch, or play a work of fiction, you’re gaining insights into at least one of the following: How the author sees the world How the author would like the world to be What the author believes the world could become, if we’re not careful Regardless, fiction can be a great way to gain insights into different kinds of people and how they think, and having similar tastes in fiction to someone else can make for great bonding, enhancing your connection. Furthermore, good fiction is always actionable in the sense that it can inspire the mind, provoke creativity and stoke the fires of imagination, all of which can be great for confidence or even competence when trying to think creatively. You’d think this only applies recreationally, like creating a world to play Dungeons & Dragons in or the like, or in the art world, such as among

writers and artists, but at times even scientists and engineers are inspired by fiction, making it their aim to try to bring some outlandish concept to life (e.g. a handheld communication device, a submersible boat, a communication screen…), and seeing how far they get (Strauss, 2012). Fiction is a great way to have us question what is possible, and it gives us a safe space to examine war, violence, tragedy, and the human condition without the risk of dehumanizing real human beings and their suffering. Fiction, when written well by a sensitive writer, gives us a way to examine mature topics and gain insights into unique situations, though this aspect of course depends a great deal on the amount of research and experience the writer brought to bear. Some writers even bring in elements that highlight the beauty of our actual, real-life world, or at least allow us to laugh at the bits we’d normally get angry over (e.g. anything in the Discworld series). Heroic stories can even be a source of inspiration, containing morals on resilience in the face of adversity, which can complement non-fiction media on self-growth nicely. When it comes to good fiction, the rule of thumb is this: Time you enjoy ‘wasting’ is not wasted time. This becomes especially true if you let yourself really engage with the book and consciously note what resonates with you; in this way, fiction can be used as a tool to not only learn more about the values of the writer and people like them, but also more about your own.

Reading Building on what was mentioned before, reading is another powerful habit that can help shake off negativity, especially non-fictional biographies involving triumph over adverse circumstances. However, anything inspiring, motivational, or empowering and educational is a good choice when undergoing mental training. Immersing yourself in a perspective of practical positivity will gradually help you raise your resilience overall. To help build a habit of reading, try to attach it to one of your pre-sleep or post-wakeup cues, so that you can either start or end the day with something uplifting and informative. You could even attach it to a social cue; if you know a friend of yours likes to read, propose the idea of discussing literature with each other during your visits, and make your interactions a cue to keep dissecting what you read. You can further solidify such a habit by creating a goal around the aims you want your reading to achieve (e.g. learning a new skill, understanding a new point of view, or something similar). Focus Early in this chapter, we described positive outlook as a matter of focus. Many of our more negative limiting thoughts come about because of our focus on high-stress worries that never come to pass, or what-ifs that are too intangible to sort out directly. While you already know how to question these thoughts, don’t let the positive observations that come up drift away; let yourself make a habit of focusing on them, and consider writing them down; they’ll be easier to remember that way. Using exercise or altruism to burn some energy, release some serotonin and take your mind off your

problems for a little bit can be a great way to return to your issues with a fresh perspective. If you’re feeling exhausted, a good sleep can also be a way to come back with the right mindset to switch from a focus of despair to something more constructive. The more time you spend dwelling in the negative, the more it seeps into you, and the more it’ll erode your confidence and sense of worth. For this reason, cherish the positivity that enters your sight, and protect the brighter perspective that it offers through focus. You can treat your memories and experiences much like people; do you spend all your time fawning and following after someone who just wears you down? Is this something you want to do? No? Then don’t follow your negative memories around forever either, especially not when it means neglecting or forgetting your happier ones. Replacing Complaint with Choice This builds a lot on what you’ve learned under assertiveness and challenging negative beliefs, and it comes down to making a habit of recognizing that what you don’t try to change, you’re effectively choosing to live with. However, what you choose (or chose) isn’t necessarily what you deserve, or what you need to be stuck with. If you’re battling with cues that encourage you to ruminate on how bad things seem to keep happening to you, or how trapped you feel, try to attach an alternate response to that cue. A viable response here could include

drafting up an aim that represents what you’d ideally want or choose to do if you felt you had the power to make the necessary change or choice. Your ruminations have likely given you an idea of what you don’t want, so flip that around to things that you do want when writing your draft. “I don’t want to be alone,” can become, “I want to cherish those who accept me for what I am,” while, “I don’t want to fail,” can become, “I want to use any resource I can, whether a book I have access to or a knowledgeable person I’ve met, to improve my odds of success.” Then, use that draft as a platform to write out drafts for potential goals to support this aim. This process requires a lot of thinking and energy, sure, but so does rumination. This way you can keep the familiarity of rumination while still channeling that energy in a more helpful direction. In any case, once you have a few potential goals, whittle them down until you reach something small and manageable. Once at that point, attach this action to the most appropriate cue you can. Slowly, this will let you take back any power you feel you’re missing, especially since it helps you build up your pillars of confidence, competence, and control. Make Friends With Gratitude The practice of gratitude is one of the most powerful tools you can have in cultivating a positive outlook and, through this, enhancing your mental resilience. The reasons for this are several-fold: firstly, gratitude is a natural re-framing device that helps us spin a negative perspective into a more constructive,

solution-focused mindset. Secondly, gratitude is a powerful adhesive for bonds of trust. Thirdly, and building on the last two points, gratitude helps you recognize sufficiency; without gratitude, it can be difficult to consistently recognize useful strengths in times of weakness, or useful resources in times of scarcity. After all, gratitude is what stops us from taking what’s around us for granted. It is this appreciation, this lack of taking potential aids or resources for granted, that lets us keep looking at what we have, and thinking of new ways to stretch, adapt, and apply them. For instance, most people took crude oil for granted until some clever spark realized it could be burned as fuel in oil lamps or made into gasoline. Before then, people had to hunt whales to achieve similar results. Gratitude then, is also a potential driving force for innovation; a way to make life better. However, you don’t need to apply gratitude to the scale of outright invention to make your own life better. Even the smaller innovations it allows can make all the difference in your life. Introducing Yourself to Gratitude (or Having a Reunion) As the Seven Cs of mental strength imply, experiences and relationships are ultimately much more valuable for your grit and resilience than things, at least once you have enough things to consistently procure decent nutrition, the tools of your hobbies and trades, and, last but not least, some solid, comfortable shelter (doesn’t have to be big or fancy, just sufficiently cozy). For this reason, for the purposes of mental resilience it’s best to focus gratitude towards people, as well as to what activities your objects allow you to do, rather than the objects themselves.

This gratitude can manifest in many different ways. For example, during a tense or awkward social situation you can opt to give a warm, genuine smile towards the person you’re about to speak to. This is a way of showing appreciation for their presence, that you’re happy to see them. Suddenly, there is more room to relax and build trust in this encounter, and you’ll find it much easier to build trust or display assertiveness. Being the first to smile is, quite often, a great complement to being the first to offer trust (see Chapter 2). If, for some reason, the person you’re speaking to takes offense at your smile, you can simply and assertively respond with the truth, “I’m sorry, but it made me happy to see you’re alright,” or, “I just had to smile, because I’m glad we now have this time together to straighten things out.” It doesn’t have to be a big, beaming smile. It can be soft and reassuring, or quiet and kind. Whatever you feel that person would appreciate knowing, communicate it with the way you smile and you’ll make them feel a little better before you even open your lips. Write Letters A great way to solidify your connections or relieve anxiety is to write a thank-you note, taking the time to write out what you genuinely appreciate about someone who has made a difference in your life. There is no real limit on who you can write to, as long as the gratitude is genuine; you can write to a best friend or lover, describing what you admire about them, or what qualities of theirs have lifted you at various points in your

relationship. You could write a thank-you letter to your boss; especially in stressful jobs where one feels like they’re messing up constantly, people appreciate knowing that they’re doing something right, and letting them know that you’ve noticed might just encourage them to keep doing it. It can also be a way to help you keep your professional relationships healthy during times of workplace strain. You can even write a letter to an old mentor of yours, thanking them for the huge impact their lessons have left on your life. You cannot take for granted that they know the effect they’ve had on you, so tell them. They’ll likely light up once they realize the difference they’ve made. Even for someone who has departed, writing a letter to them to cherish and honor their memory can be a way to cope with grief, relieve stress, and meditate on what this person meant to you. While this can help with your grit, it also helps you recognize that even though this person may be gone, a lot of who they were still lives through you. It’s okay if you need to burn or bury the letter thereafter. No matter who you’re writing to, about one sincere letter per month is sufficient to build gratitude within you for the purpose of developing mental strength. If you wish to write more than that, however, no one is stopping you. Don’t forget to occasionally write letters like this to yourself, too. When presenting your letters to others, you can send them digitally (though the actual words are best when hand-written), physically, or even read them

aloud face-to-face. All three methods are valid, and which is best depends on practicality and the emotional needs of both parties. Carry a Small Notebook Around This can be pen and paper, or it can be digital. It can even just be a stack of sticky notes. Whatever it is, keep it on you wherever you go and, when you see something that you think is sweet, or beautiful, or brought a smile to your face, take a moment as soon as you can to stop and write it down. It’s easy to forget small moments of happiness like this as we go about our day. Write them down as soon as you can, and you’re not only storing a memory to read over and enjoy later, but you’re also giving yourself more time and space to absorb and appreciate the moment. If the moment involves a dear friend or loved one, or was exceptionally touching, consider taking a photo of the event too. You can then stick these notes and/or images in a jar, on a wall, a moodboard, or in a journal. This can lead to a foundation of happy memories, and keeping up this form of note-taking means you’ll still keep finding more, rather than getting wholly lost in nostalgia. Keep a Private Journal or Word Document Somewhere Building on the above, you can tie your practice of gratitude together really well by procuring a journal exactly for this purpose. Unlike your notes, which can be taken at any time, at any place, or your letters which are usually intended to be seen by someone else, your journal is just for you, and is there for you to fill quiet or listless moments with memories of appreciation.

Due to how open-ended this activity can be, how you don’t have to operate under the time constraints that usually surround the notebook method, and due to the knowledge that no one else will see what you write in your journal, you can go into great personal depth during extended sessions of writing (e.g. about 15 minutes or more). This can aid you immensely in reducing anxiety, increasing your ability to cope and remain calm, and helping you achieve greater levels of clarity. Have you ever noticed how something you couldn’t quite wrap your head around or articulate suddenly became so much easier to internalize or understand once you spend some time trying to explain it? Gratitude journaling has much the same effect, except it’s all focused on helping you recognize the helpful, uplifting parts of your life. Much like with sleep, consistency in this writing is key. If you can’t do it once a day, try 15 minutes a week instead. To help get you started, here are a variety of topics that can help you start your mind in the frame of gratitude writing: The last time someone you loved did something nice for you The last time someone young, precocious, or innocent did something that made you smile or laugh Some unique or uncommon quality about yourself that has consistently helped you through life

Something outside your window that you appreciate (might be a clean street, some plant life, or the sounds of birds, or it might be something as simple as the streetlamps working or catching a glimpse of a happy group walking along the road) An artist, writer, or musician whose work has brought you comfort or inspiration The random act of a stranger The best thing about someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time What you like most about your favorite foods (including your favorite memories involving those foods) A random photo near you Your three most important possessions, and why you’d keep them over all other things in your living space The sheer effort and process of creation that was involved in making the clothes you wear right now A time where you made a mistake, but found something to learn from the experience An upcoming event with a friend or loved one that you’re looking forward to A time where you were able to help someone A time where someone helped you, asking little or nothing in return These topics and more make for great gratitude-orientated writing. However, there are no real rules other than keeping the time and space consistent to make your writing a lasting habit, as habits will help increase your resilience and success, even here. On those notes, keeping the writing process familiar to you (e.g. doodling in-between writing if you like to draw, using images or photos, other visual aids, employing poetry, etc.).

Chapter 5: Solidifying Independence “If you are insecure, guess what? The rest of the world is too. Do not overestimate the competition and underestimate yourself. You are better than you think.” — T. Harv Eker “To anyone that ever told you you’re no good.... They’re no better.” — Hayley Williams

How to Rule Your Criticism and Stop It From Ruling You If you wish to promote a constructive approach to your sense of competence, as well as continue to deepen your pillar of confidence, then knowing how to handle your criticism is essential. While stepping away from an “all or nothing” mentality, making an effort to phrase your feelings or expectations more assertively, and forming habits or goals to appreciate strengths or address weaknesses can all allow you to absorb criticism with greater resilience, there are further techniques you can employ that’ll prevent others from breaking you down even as they break down your work. Even the typical method of challenging negative thoughts through asking “Is that true?” won’t be able to cover all criticism; after all, if we treated all criticism as negative and dismissed it as false, how could we ever learn from any of it? However, the good news is that many of the techniques you’re about to learn operate on similar principles to what we’ve already covered; there is more nuance, of course, but familiarity is kept for easier absorption. So, here’s how to turn criticism from a terror into a tool: Firstly, it helps to remember that criticism is a learning process. Listening to the feedback of others can help you gauge whether you’re meeting their needs or requirements. When you’re doing something for the express purpose of generating value for someone else, criticism is what prevents you from wandering aimlessly in the dark.

Sadly, some people choose to sprinkle personal attacks amongst their critiques, and this is probably why so many of us come to fear what’d ordinarily be vital feedback. To rule your criticism and make the best use of it, then, it helps to weed out what is legitimate criticism from what is unhelpful chaff. To do this, ask yourself if the criticism is actionable. Much like aims or goals, criticism isn’t very helpful if it can’t be acted on in a practical manner. If someone critiques you, yet their feedback wasn’t in what you’d consider to be an actionable form, ask for more clarity in what they mean, or assertively ask for ideas around how to achieve what they’re suggesting. If they can’t provide this clarity, or if they’re unwilling to give tips on how to actually improve or do better next time, then they’re not critiquing, they’re just complaining. There’s no need or value—for you or for anyone else—in letting yourself be ruled by complaints. Feedback that only breaks things down without offering solutions even when directly asked is not to be trusted or taken to heart. Feel free to assertively disagree with the complainer in this case, and move on. Now, as a learning process, criticism is at its best when focused on what you do, not who you are. To truly use criticism constructively, then, it is important that you focus on what is being said regarding your role, rather than on who you are directly. Even when you listen to the worst critiques, there is no need to take criticism personally.

After all, you are more than your work, and you are worth more than the value you’re currently generating for other people. Some roles also attract criticism naturally. For instance, an artist will always attract criticism from at least some proportion of their audience. A student will attract criticism from their teacher. The manager in charge of designing a product may well be criticized by the manager in charge of actually selling that product. However, none of these instances of criticism mean that the artist, student, or manager are bad people. The criticism doesn’t even necessarily mean that they’re incompetent. In the case of the teacher, a top student or a struggling student with a lot of potential might actually receive much more verbal criticism than a middling student who acts like they’ve already peaked, simply because the teacher believes the top or potential student will get more value out of what they have to say. That said, it’s important to recognize that the people giving you criticism, while potentially quite experienced like in a teacher-student relationship, are not omniscient beings of infallible logic and reasoning. For this reason, it is rare that they’ll be able to critique you from a point of purely objective, universal truth. Rather, they’ll more likely critique you from the perspective of their own needs and expectations. This is especially likely to be the case if your criticism comes from a large group with diverse perspectives,

outlooks, or values, and especially if the critics don’t know you very well on a personal level (e.g. only familiar with you as a persona, or only in a professional context). Therefore, whenever you receive criticism, remember to ask yourself if meeting those needs and expectations is a goal of yours and, even if it is, try to place it in perspective with your other priorities. For example, the artist might be receiving a critique from their mentor, but the person they actually made the work for might love it. The artist can still listen to what their mentor has to say of course, and try to apply it to their next project as an experiment, but at the end of the day the artist can still recognize that they made something that made the intended recipient feel happy, and the criticism doesn’t detract from that. But what if the situation is reversed? What if the artist has a mentor or connection who believes in them, yet they’re struggling to make their mark as a professional creator? It doesn’t take a long Google search to see how many times genre-defining stories like Harry Potter or Star Wars were rejected before they finally found their audience. Of course, the final versions of these stories may have grown and developed quite a bit from the first rejected drafts, but that only solidifies one’s point on criticism; a critique isn’t a mark against the inherent value of who you are, or what you’re doing. It’s only a guiding light as to how you can bring what you’re doing closer to something that’ll resonate with the needs of others. But how does knowing all this fit into solidifying your independence?

Knowing this, it becomes clearer that praise doesn’t signify your value, nor does criticism diminish it. By virtue of not relying on perceived esteem or disgrace from others as your lens through which you judge your inherent competence, you become less dependent on the judgments of others when it comes to assessing your own abilities. No matter what anyone else says, that doesn’t change who you are. They can perhaps know what you do, but they can’t really know you better than you know yourself. Their words can only offer revelations into what they want, not what you are, or what you can one day do with a bit more growth. And of course, one person’s needs won’t speak for all. Until you can confirm, never assume that what one person says is what the others are thinking. What might not be one person’s cup of tea may be the reason another person loves what you do. Further Tips on Controlling Criticism Here is where more of your assertiveness principles can be applied. Although you may have learned more about effective communication for the sake of your mental training, you cannot assume that everyone else will be on that same level when they try to articulate their feedback. At some point, someone is going to say something that seems senseless or accusatory. You may, as a result, feel the urge to be put on the defensive. Treat this sensation similarly to how you’d treat a sudden surge of anger or grief; take a minute to step back, excuse yourself if you need to, breathe deeply, then return after you’ve given what was said a little more thought. For written critiques with no set reply time, you can even set aside what was said for hours or even days before responding.

The important thing is that you let yourself cool off. Once you’ve given yourself a chance to experience any creeping negative emotions where they won’t cause further regret, you can return to the topic with more confidence. Next, just because a critique was rude doesn’t mean it was useless. If the feedback is honest and provides you with something you can reasonably make actionable, then it’s worth paying some attention to. For instance, an artist or product design manager accused of just doing the same stale concept thing over and over again can choose to lash out defensively… or they can take a moment to process their anger, let it flow through them somewhere safe, then take that energy to approach the topic more logically. “You’re just doing the same thing over and over,” for instance, can be reworked by the designer into, “That person will appreciate it if I try something new, bring in a fresh perspective, or otherwise increase variety.” The designer could then ask everyone else, in this more positive frame, if they’d be willing to support a new approach, and then make their final decision based on their current goals or priorities. In this way, even a rude critique can be liberating in the insight it provides; that designer may have been chomping at the bit to try something new, but felt too busy to ask before now. Yet a criticism that initially induced anger has essentially given them the means to do so. This aspect of criticism will be less used as your independence continues to grow, but it’s always helpful when it can be gleaned.

However, whether rude or friendly, always thank a helpful critic. Allow yourself to express gratitude towards them if they offer you something actionable, especially if you intend to take action based on what they said. It opens the possibility of them becoming a supportive, honest friend who you can trust for further feedback. Thirdly, while it may be tempting to eviscerate someone with your wit if they make an especially silly or ill-conceived complaint, rather restrain the urge and keep to an assertive disagreement. You can even choose to ignore their accusatory or derogatory ‘you’ statements entirely, then answer any ‘I’ statements they may have that you feel gives you an opportunity to explain or clarify, steering things back in a positive direction. But certainly, never stoop to attacking them right back. It’s like Mark Twain once said, “Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you to their level and beat you with experience.” Meeting insult with insult won’t do much for you as far as mental training goes. Finally, in the same way that criticism is often based on a person’s needs, rather than some omniscient higher truth about your life, sometimes those needs aren’t specific to their relationship with you or even your abilities, but are instead specific to a personal lacking on the part of the one giving the critique. Studies have shown that a huge motivator for giving advice or critiques is the feeling of personal power that comes from appearing knowledgeable or

competent (Thibodeaux, 2018). Most people will have a trace of this in their motive when giving advice, but be careful if it seems power or control is their main motivator (e.g. if they constantly offer advice without solicitation or some other form of consent, especially if in a condescending tone and especially if they never make positive comments on your traits or abilities even when you follow through on their suggestions or advice). Feelings of power also come from having high self-efficacy, which naturally comes when one has a lot of grit or mental resilience. If a person, then, gives advice not out of concern for you, but out of a need to feel powerful, what does that say about their own resilience? Don’t use this realization to attack, but rather to help you avoid taking everything someone else says at face value. Such a person may still offer useful nuggets of insight from time to time, but in these cases it certainly helps to double-check that their suggestions are matching your aims or goals in some way, even if the suggestions seem helpful at a glance and have passed your other filters and caveats on criticism.

Furthering Emotional Resilience and Independence No matter what you do, you’re likely going to let someone down at some point. Whenever you plan to make a great life change, a lot of people may pipe up saying that they’d prefer you to stay in your current position. However, they won’t have to live with whatever personal life decision you make for the rest of their lives. You will. If there’s a big, important decision you need to make coming up, and you feel like someone is going to get let down no matter what, why let it be you? You are, ultimately, the one who must write your own story. Not necessarily in the pages of a book (although you certainly can), but certainly in the chronology that is your life. No one else can write your actions or decisions for you, not really, because at the end of the day they can only (at absolute best) look out for who they think you are. No one can know you as well as you can potentially know yourself. This means, once you’re an adult or have achieved some form of independence, no one is in a better position than you are to create a life for you that you will consistently enjoy. The first step to truly realizing this comes in realizing that how happy you are with life—while certainly influenced by your daily decisions and regular habits in the world around you—has much more to do with the input you put into that world, rather than the world itself. Of course, there are some environmental basics that your circumstances need to provide (or that you need to find) before you can really get rolling, like access to nutritious food, sufficient water, a safe place to sleep, and some shelter from the elements, but once you have those things covered,

your choices become immeasurably more impactful and important than your circumstances. Ultimately, it is your choices that change your circumstances. Your circumstances may at many points feel like they limit your choice, but they cannot limit your ability to choose. In other words, the way things currently are around you can certainly affect how approachable all sorts of opportunities are, but on the flip side it is fully possible to create an inner character that is emotionally and psychologically sound in spite of this. This form of resilience, incidentally, begins with the question, “How am I contributing to the world around me?” Mind you, the contribution pillar isn’t always about doing something for others, but can also address what you’re doing, right now, to add to the kind of world you wish to one day live in. Even a janitor is able to find fulfillment, even while staying in their custodial career, when they give themselves space to contribute according to their values. This can mean doing something kind for those they connect with, or it can mean belonging to a club or community that they resonate with and spend time with outside of work hours. The reformation of bad habits and the practice of gratitude can already help you deal with the self-destructive behaviors that normally prevent this kind of questioning or alternate thought. In time, exploring ways to work what

you love doing even into work (or alone time) that might otherwise feel dull will bring your mental toughness to a new level. Set Aside Some Solid Me-Time When was the last time you sat down, alone, with nothing but your own thoughts? This concept will be elaborated on later in the book through various mindfulness practices and ways of solidifying your sense of self, but what you can start with now is simply setting about 10 or so minutes aside each day, devoted purely to self-reflection. This can be a good way to check your habits, aims or goals—a way to see if they’re still in line with what you really want from life. The core activity during this time, for the time being, is simply to let your mind wander. Do not worry about asking specific questions yet, those will come later in the book. For now, just pay attention to what naturally comes to your mind first. Keep a pen and paper nearby to record anything if you like, but keep it separate from any gratitude journal you may have. Without critique or second-guessing, simply let the thoughts you experience flow through you. See what ideas come to you naturally, and let yourself be aware of the emotions these thoughts stir up within you. How do you react to your own thoughts? Do they fit the way you see yourself, or the way you want to be? Which thoughts pass through you easily? Which ones tug at you, as if to pull you into a spiral? Do not try to

push such thoughts out, but don’t feel compelled to dive into them either. Simply let them pass through. Sessions like this can help you identify nagging doubts that may not have been obvious at first, but if you’re fortunate you won’t find anything that you haven’t already addressed during Chapter 4. That said, not all your thoughts will be negative in nature. Many of them will instead reflect your loves, cares, interests, dreams, or even creative ideas. Whatever it is, let it flow through you. Again, take note of how you react emotionally to each thought, but don’t pass judgment. If a thought or experience feels particularly important as it flows through you, write it down so that you can dig into it later, whether that is to start a new habit, adjust a goal, or challenge an unexpected limiting belief. Become More Conscious of How You Relate to Others During your me-time session, you may have noticed powerful feelings pop up when thoughts of family, close friends, or colleagues show up. At the end of this session, when you’re finished letting things flow through you, take a moment to consider what emotions the thought of these people trigger, and how you tend to react. Do the way these people feel about you affect the way you feel about yourself? Normally, the answer is ‘yes’, at least to some degree. If it wasn’t, then connection wouldn’t be a mental resilience pillar. In cases where positive moments have come up, take a moment to think about how that positive aspect of your relationship was built. Think about the moments of trust, support, or tenderness shown that has helped make

your life better. You can use the insights you gain from this process to further develop your personal sense of gratitude. However, there are a few things to bear in mind. Firstly, and this links back to the principles of dealing with criticism, these people—no matter how close they may be to you—can only view you through their own personal perception of who you are, rather than who you actually are. This perception can be helpful when it lets a close colleague or loved one spot something positive about you that you may have forgotten, but it can hurt when this perception manifests negatively and makes us feel like we’re not good enough. So, take note of how you emotionally react to the thought of someone, especially in different contexts, and remind yourself that at the end of the day, they can’t define your inherent worth. Only you can. They can’t set healthy boundaries or consistently meet your needs for you. Only you can. And, while they can help you achieve self-validation, take note if you find you depend on them for that. If you do, simply note the things they say that validate you most, the things that resonate as most true, and internalize those things; give these uplifting reminders to yourself, and allow yourself to stop and notice when you perform an action in line with that reminder. Allow yourself to own your validation, and recognize that you do not need to depend on others for it once they’ve pointed it out, or once you’re able to spot such things yourself. However, beware of ‘shoulds’ or “ought tos.” Human beings have a tendency to internalize more than just the good things. At this stage in your life, it is likely you have internalized many of the expectations held by

those around you, forming inner voices that you mistake for your own. If something you ‘should’ be doing is making you feel empty, depressed, fretful, or resentful, it can be a sign that you’re treating someone else’s internalized expectation as your own which, while perhaps extremely helpful at a past point in your life, might not be what you need to keep growing now. If a ‘should’ or “ought to” is affecting only you, consider moving away from it, using goals to help you transition actionably into something you’ll enjoy more. If what you ‘should’ be doing would have a huge impact on someone close to you if you stopped or changed, then consider having an earnest, honest conversation with them, keeping in mind the principles of trust, criticism, and assertiveness, so that you can try to find a better alternative for the both of you together. After all, it’s no good letting yourself stew in depression or resentment in any relationship. Be the one to initiate or even ask for help if needed, as getting away from ‘shoulds’ that aren’t in line with what you value will help you achieve greater emotional independence and mental resilience in the long-term. If you don’t like the way you feel about something, it’s up to you to either reframe the way you look at it (more on reframing in Chapter 7), or take action to resolve it. Letting yourself be responsible for bettering your situation (or at least setting those wheels in motion), no matter who you may feel is the one to blame, is the essence of emotional resilience and independence. Although you can do a lot to accommodate others or help them feel at ease, you cannot truly control how others feel about you. You can only control

how you continue to act regardless. That is where your worth lies.

Asking For Help… Independently When it comes to mental strength, independence means being able to maintain confidence and a belief in your competence regardless of what the prevailing opinions around you are. Independence, in this context, does not mean bull-headedly tackling every problem you have all on your own. Depending on your aims, you may find you need more support than what you inherently have as an individual. However, asking for help can at times feel daunting, especially if one has a strong fear of rejection still lingering about. These fears will dissipate as you become more assertive and conscious of your worth, or your right to take up space, but you do have other tools and techniques you can use to help ensure you’ll get the support you need sooner rather than later. Firstly, remember to be short, simple, and specific with your request itself, just as you would be with any other form of effective, assertive communication. You cannot assume that people automatically know what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling in any given conversation, and asking for help is no different. Ensure you always state plainly and clearly what you’re trying to do, why this thing matters to you, and how the person you’re speaking to can contribute. This is best done face-to-face, or call if you can’t meet physically. Text or write only if you really have no clue when a good time to make your request might be.

When you can use your voice or face, your request will feel much more personal and immediate than if you were to request via letter or email. When explaining how your potential helper can aid you, be sure to mention what aspect of their character or competence makes them particularly wellsuited to this problem you have; you must’ve had a reason to ask them rather than someone else, after all. When you bring up a person’s skills in this way, you make them feel much better about themselves, increasing their belief that they can help you, as well as their willingness to. If they feel like they’re just one of a hundred people you’re asking, their attitude may lean more towards, “Why don’t you ask someone else?” and mentioning their abilities or traits handily pushes that question out of the way. Next, at no point should you apologize for requesting this assistance. No one is an island, we all need help sometime, and it’s your right to voice your needs and ask for that help, same as everyone else. On that note, don’t make your problem sound small or trivial; if it was, then you wouldn’t need help. State the task at hand for what it is; people get more satisfaction out of helping out when they feel they’ve made a meaningful impact, and they’ll get this feeling if you are truthful about your needs (as opposed to belittling those needs). Finally, once your helper has rendered their aid, make a note to share gratitude with them in some way (see Chapter 4), and show them the results of the success they helped you achieve when they’re available. People like to know that what they gave or sacrificed mattered in the end, and showing

them the aftermath of what they helped you do means they’ll be much happier about helping you (or helping in general) in the future. You’d also have raised their own pillars of confidence and competence by showing them that they had a positive, measurable impact on your life. Take a moment to imagine how that feels; imagine how it feels to achieve something (even if it’s a small something,) that not only gets you closer to your goals, but helps others raise their own mental strength in turn. Or, think of it this way; if you can do that, then you’ve reached the point where you understand mental strength enough to start spreading it—building it not only in yourself, but in others too. You can be damn proud of that (but don’t feel emotionally dependent on me saying so).

Chapter 6: Using Self-Talk and Deeper Reflection for Further Growth

What You Say to Yourself Determines What You Believe Way back in Chapter 2, we touched on the importance of positive self-talk. Now, with everything else you’ve learned, it’s time to go deeper into this pivotal topic. As you become more and more emotionally independent, your view of yourself will sway less and less with the tide of others’ opinions. More and more, your emotions and general mood will be dented less by the words or thoughts of those around you. However, no matter how independent you become, there will always be one person whose thoughts will define you for the rest of your life… ...you. Your thoughts are what make you who you are. Without thoughts, you cannot choose how you feel about something. Without thoughts, you cannot build associations between events and emotions, nor could you reshape those associations to better support the kind of person you want to be. Whether you like it or not, your thoughts outright define your emotions; according to a psychological article on emotional independence, your brain’s decisions to release dopamine or serotonin (your happiness hormones) in response to stimuli aren’t impacted by the outside world directly. Either your brain’s decisions are built-in (like how serotonin gets released in response to moderate exercise, or dopamine gets released during a pleasant encounter), or they’re learned. This learning happens not because

of what happens to you per se, but rather because of how your brain reasons out these events, and how it chooses to think about and remember them. This is why positive self-talk is so important. The way your inner voice responds to the world around it can make or break your resilience; an inner voice that encourages you to keep going, to keep trying, to be unafraid in trying a new approach when the current one isn’t working—in other words, to keep bouncing back—is a voice that’ll make small risks seem laughable. Why should standing up in a meeting and perhaps looking foolish matter to a resilient mind when it knows it has something to contribute? Even if no one appreciates the contribution, well, that’s just their criticism. The resilient mind knows it can still learn and try to contribute something else next time. Positive vs. Negative Self-Talk: A Closer Look on Why to Avoid the Latter Positive self-talk is what keeps small risks easy to absorb, and larger risks much easier to manage on a psychological level. On the flip side, a falsely introspective voice that encourages you to ruminate and dwell on your failures without moving forward is symptomatic of negative self-talk, and negative self-talk has a gross tendency to encourage self-sabotage. For instance, how often do thoughts like, “This person doesn’t like me. They’re thinking of leaving me,” cause behaviors that actively drive people away? How often do fears of rejection, driven by negative self-talk, condemn us to distance and loneliness? How often has negative self-talk held you back

from doing something, like learning a skill that supports your goals, or trying out a new idea that might go somewhere, only for someone else to then do that very thing and come out ahead because of it? Negative self-talk not only saps your confidence, but it can ruin your connection pillar too, as negative self-talk can encourage you to respond with more hostility than necessary, with more distrust or suspicion than warranted, with less patience and compassion than required… both towards others, and towards yourself. It erodes your will, leaving you insecure and emotionally needy; whether needy on people, or needy on perfectionism. Negative self-talk is like a virus. If you let it, it’ll use you to perpetuate itself, without regard for your strength or wellbeing. So, what is the cure? Support Your Self-Talk, and Let Your Self-Talk Support You Throughout this book, you have already been partially inoculated against the worst of negative self-talk. For instance, you may have already found your self-talk improving dramatically thanks to the steps you’ve taken to increase your confidence, as genuine and deep confidence can already have a huge impact on the way we treat ourselves. But of course, it’s no accident that positive self-talk was also listed as an ingredient for confidence back in Chapter 2. Self-talk goes both ways; while poor self-talk can greatly sap your confidence, a more positive

outlook will feed into it, making deeper levels of confidence easier to achieve. This confidence can then, in turn, allow you to continue with more sincere positive self-talk, which in turn allows for even more unshakable confidence… It’s like a perpetual motion machine. Or like the opposite of a vicious circle. However, if you ever struggle with positive self-talk at any point, do not fret. Simply begin again by reminding yourself with the basic affirmation that you matter. This is a simple acknowledgment that can be vital for your resilience overall. Self-talk can even make it easier to get through panic attacks. When you’re in that moment where mounting anxiety threatens to burst from you, it feels like you’re going to be trapped in that state forever. This feeling of being stuck can contribute to a building panic becoming even worse. With self-talk, however, you can let yourself consciously address your panic. Then you can remind yourself that, much like anger or sadness, panic is temporary. Perhaps it’ll feel overwhelming right now, but it’ll end; you’ll be in full control again soon enough. Then, when it ends, don’t feel shame over it. Instead, ask yourself, “Will this thing that has upset me still matter in five years? Will it even still matter in one year? No? Well, it may feel rough right now, but I know I’ll get through this.”

For recurring upsets, this can be a great way to use your self-talk to keep things in perspective. Panic, and the thoughts that it builds on, can be treated like any other negative thought. Let yourself question these thoughts during your self-talk. More often than not, they’re built on temporary feelings, not universal truths. Note that your self-talk doesn’t have to be overtly positive all the time. It can often help to simply switch from negative to neutral. For example, after blowing a presentation, instead of thinking, “What a fool I was! I never do well in public speaking! I really blew that talk. Welp, there goes my job, I guess…” instead try something like, “Well, I know I can do better than that. Next time I’m given a task I feel nervous about, I’ll set aside more time to prepare, and I’ll ask for help earlier if I think I might need it. Between those two things, I’ll improve. It’ll be okay.” As another example, instead of thinking, “Wow, one of the results on my report was pretty average. I’ll never make it into a good college/be eligible for a good promotion anytime soon,” try something like, “Okay, that wasn’t exceptional, but I still have one or two strong points on here that I can use to guide my future career decisions and, if this isn’t the last report I’ll ever get, I can still work to improve the weak areas if doing so really matters that much to me.” Even something like, “I’m overweight I’m nothing I’m doing is working. Why even bother?” can be swapped out for, “Even if I can’t see external

changes yet, if it’s helping me feel healthier on the inside, then that’s reason enough for me to keep doing this. My wellbeing matters.” On a broader note, something like, “Gosh, I’m ugly,” can be stopped in its tracks with, “Well, this emotion may feel valid, but it’s possible that unhealthy comparisons have distorted the way I view my body,” followed by a bit of gratitude writing about things you love about your body, like your hair or eyes (or your smile), or how soft you feel in places. In all things, let positive self-talk shake up your perspective and spin your story around. Even when you’re having a rough time, it’s important to remind yourself that you can still make it through. Maybe not perfectly, but well enough to keep on keeping on. Well enough to keep finding something in life worth appreciating. The good things about you and your life are no less truthful, important, or worthy of consideration than the negative things. As your positives and strengths will lead to your success, they’re arguably more important than anything bad you might have to say to yourself. Remember to keep thinking of yourself as a friend to support and cherish. The only friendships that involve constantly putting someone down are the toxic ones, and those aren’t needed for your connection, confidence, or competence pillars in the slightest. So, if you have been toxic to yourself, first forgive this behavior, then use what you’ve learned so far to reduce it. You can even make it one of your goals. Use Mindfulness to Enhance Self-Talk

Mindfulness is a state of being that can be described as you’re fully aware of where you are and what you’re doing right now. It also means being aware of what you’re thinking, and how you’re feeling. Mindfulness is intertwined with consciousness, and your exercise in Chapter 5 on being more conscious of the way others impact you was in fact a form of mindfulness. Your practice of gratitude in Chapter 4 is another example of mindfulness, as gratitude is a vital tool for negative minds to become more present and become more aware of the positive side of themselves and the world around them. Remember that all the lessons and principles in this book are connected in some way, so do not be afraid to use what you’ve learned in one chapter or subheading to support or facilitate something you found under another. If you’re really struggling to get self-talk right on your own, then spending a few minutes doing a gratitude exercise, or even taking a nap or rehydrating with some fresh cool water might give you the edge you need to turn any negative episodes you may have around. You can even “walk out” of a session of negative self-talk the way you’d walk out of any other conversation that’s making you angry or upset as mentioned under the assertiveness principles in Chapter 2. Although such a thing is technically an assertiveness technique, there is no reason why you can’t be respectful and assertive towards yourself, especially if it means telling a demoralizing thought to ‘stop’. If you are aware that a thought is bringing you down, but it isn’t helping you forward, then why entertain it? It’s not even constructive self-criticism or introspection, it’s just internal complaining. One viable way to walk

away from thoughts like these (because you can’t really do so physically the way you can with people), is by allowing yourself to do something else you enjoy for a few minutes. Something that speaks to you. For example, if you love math, you can run a multiplication table through your head, or solve a simple puzzle (e.g. choose a number, then think of five ways to make that number). You could also solve an equation you’re comfortable with, either mentally or with a napkin and pencil. If you love literature, you can instead try to recall or quote a passage from a book or poem that you particularly enjoy. If you love games, write out a potentially fun or effective strategy or build that you can try later. If you love people, spend some time recalling one of your funniest, silliest, or most uplifting moments with them. Though this may seem like a distraction at first, it’s actually a way to bring something you love or something you’re good at into the present moment, where you can then be mindful of it. This can help displace any creeping negative funks that don’t belong, while reasserting one of your core values or skills to boot. More on Mindfulness: Grounding Another method that accomplishes a similar effect, but in a different way, is that of grounding. The thoughts and emotions that tend to sap our grit or weaken our mental wellbeing also tend to be thoughts and emotions that make us feel separate from reality, as if we’re disassociating from existence. Grounding is a conscious technique that counters this dissociation by forcing your body and mind to acknowledge where it is.

To ground yourself, all you need to do is allow yourself to start focusing on the physical sensations you’re experiencing right now. How does the air feel against your skin? How does the floor feel against your feet? How does the fabric of your clothing feel against your body? Concentrate on the basics of these sensations—use descriptive words like hot, cold, soft, warm, hard, rough, smooth, gentle, light, or heavy. Avoid value or emotion-based words while grounding. Saying your jeans make you irritated, or that your socks make you happy, for instance, won’t help you ground. Saying your jeans feel sweaty, and your socks surprisingly soft, however, will. If you have trouble grounding, great ways to kickstart your mind in that direction is to plunge your hands into cold water, pick up or touch random objects around you while noting their texture or color, to let yourself savor the smell or taste of a food or drink (and I do mean savor; how much you eat is irrelevant for grounding, only how mindful and present you let yourself be for each bite), or to grab hold of some ice and note how the temperature and texture changes as it melts. You can even ground yourself by touching your body; are your arms loose or stiff right now? In this moment, is your heart steadfast or shaky? How straight does your back feel? Would it like to be straighter? How does it feel when you wiggle your fingers or toes? How does it feel when you touch your hair, your cheek, your shoulder, or your sides? You can complement your mindfulness and overall internal growth by employing self-reflection tools for further clarity and awareness of the self. The remainder of this chapter will cover two of the most fundamental selfreflection methods that anyone can use, and anyone can benefit from.

Fundamental Reflection Tool #1: Journaling The Role of Journaling in Mental Training Journaling is a form of personal documentation that is similar, in principle, to many of your gratitude techniques. However, while your gratitude techniques can involve others, journaling is always personal. While gratitude techniques are about cultivating a specific mindset or perspective, journaling is a bit broader. Nonetheless, it’s a good tool to have in your toolbox for developing an unbeatable mind. For example, journaling as little as 15-20 minutes a day, for only 3-5 days in a month can grant you the following benefits: 1. Sharper memory 2. Reduced stress 3. Improved morale 4. Better self-knowledge 5. Better long-term emotional mindfulness The sharper memory part is easy to understand; writing helps build neural pathways in the brain. But how do the other four benefits work? What you’ve learned so far in previous chapters is great for lifting some general fog, as well as tackling all sorts of negative thoughts that you may have previously struggled with. Your exercises so far may have even helped you become aware of eroding influences that you hadn’t even noticed

before, like a limiting belief or an internalized opinion that you picked up from somewhere else some time ago. However, there will be times where you just feel bleh without necessarily knowing why. Sometimes, the things that are standing in the way of our mental toughness and resilience—such as slow-burning depression or anxiety—aren’t attached to something we can easily approach consciously. Sometimes, we just have a bad feeling that sits there, with fuzzy, undefined edges, and yet we can still feel the gloam of its shadow seep into us. These cases are interesting, as they present a challenge not only to your confidence pillar, but also to your control and even your coping pillars. The good news, however, is that dealing with this sort of gloam isn’t any harder than the challenges you’ve already surmounted. This is because journaling, as a tool, excels at bringing your more vague and undefined feelings out of the darkness and into the light, where you can then question and reframe them as you would any other rude critique, complaint, or negative thought. Have you ever been in an argument with someone where it felt like they were moving the goalposts? They’d say something, you’d prove that assertion to be false, but then they’d say, “No, no, you misunderstand, what I actually meant was…” and then they keep doing that, over and over again. Or maybe they ask you to prove yourself to them in some way, you successfully do so, but then they make up some reason why you still aren’t good enough. This is another example of moving the goalposts.

Now imagine someone raises an issue, you adequately answer an issue… and yet, the answer is still rejected. This is yet another example of moving the goalposts. This is also an example of how one’s most insidious negative thoughts can behave. Some thoughts just don’t go away, and simply demand more and more from us even as we successfully answer each emotional issue they raise in us. Eventually, still refusing to accept our answers despite the truth of them, these dark thoughts shrink back and lurk as vague, ominous feelings instead. Now, if you caught someone moving the goalposts in real life, you’d call them out on it, wouldn’t you? They’d immediately lose all credibility. But if you don’t spot what they’re doing and call them out, they’ll wear you down and seem correct, even though you were the one who was right. So it goes with negative thoughts and feelings. When you notice these feelings moving the goalposts, you can easily call them out, make them go away for good, and stop them sapping your will with their nonsense. Journaling substantially increases your chances of noticing, and it is for this reason we can say they pull your thoughts out of the dark so you can dismantle them in the light, and for this reason why it’s such a good activity for your mood and mind. Tips for Successful Mental Health Journaling First tip: journaling can take many forms. To begin, it’s recommended you go out and get another book to write in. This journal must be separate from

all others, as you’ll want to be able to write about anything and everything in here, without worrying about diluting the upliftment and positivity in your gratitude journal. Pick a book that actually feels nice to touch and to hold. If you take pleasure from interacting with it physically, then you’ll have a better writing experience overall, as it’ll be easier for you to enjoy and immerse yourself in the act of journaling. It is also recommended that you do keep it physical, rather than digital, and that you find some way to padlock it so you know it’s secure. If you think someone else might read what you write, you won’t go as raw as you otherwise would. Holding back here isn’t to your benefit. Secondly, while it’s highly recommended that you journal at least once a week, and that you allow 15-20 minute sessions on the days that you do write, you can otherwise let go of any other rules or preconceptions you might have around the act of journaling. You do not need to write a set amount of words per day. In fact, you might spend 17 minutes of a 20 minute session staring blankly at a page on your first day, then end off having written only three words. This is normal when you’re first getting into it. More words will come, don’t worry. Just keep hosting these sessions for yourself. Building on the notion of throwing out preconceptions, note that there’s zero reason for you to care about punctuation, spelling, or sentence structure in this journal beyond whatever you’d need to keep your writing

legible for yourself. No one else needs to understand your journal except you, so write whatever way is easiest for you. As you write, do not stop to edit, cut out, or censor thoughts or words. Once your hand has begun writing, let it flow. This is how you can get to the heart of thoughts that might otherwise evade you. Only when you are completely finished writing for a session should you consider reading over what you’ve written. See how you grow and develop as a person from entry to entry! This can be great for your confidence, as well as recognize where your competence or character has grown. The final writing tip, also building on tossing out preconceptions, is to avoid pigeon-holing yourself into one kind of journaling. A lot of people think journaling means beginning with “dear diary” and then going on to speak about what happened that day. Journaling can be this, certainly, but that’s not all it is. If you ever feel stuck for starting points or ideas, great journaling topics include: Raw, stream-of-consciousness writing. Write whatever comes to mind, as it does, without judgment, then reflect on it later with patience and forgiveness. This topic can be mixed in with any of the others. When you feel ready to face it, write about a traumatic or emotionally difficult event. Or, write about chronic feelings that have persisted since the event. ‘Ready’ in this case means the topic might still feel a

bit unpleasant, but no longer hurts or feels traumatic to think or write about. Don’t force it if you’re not ready, and rather go onto another topic. If you are ready, remember to mix in topic 1, along with the general advice on journaling further above, to guarantee the expressive style needed to help you organize your thoughts and gain understanding around such events. Conscious rumination doesn’t help here, but raw, free, unrestrained writing can. Just remember you still deserve to be gentle with yourself. Unrestrained expression isn’t the same thing as unrestrained self-abuse. Write about a place, real or imaginary, where you feel calmest and most at peace. Find words and descriptions of this place that appeal to all five of your senses. How you’re feeling right now. Followed by why. Followed by how you’d like to feel. Then finally followed by what small, practical changes you can make to push yourself slightly closer to that ideal. Write about three things you deeply enjoy and bring you lasting, genuine happiness or contentment (e.g. no shame, guilt, or remorse), the last time you had a chance to engage in these activities, and how you might be able to work them back into your daily or weekly life. Write three weaknesses, and think of ways you can either turn them into strengths, or compensate for them with other strengths (e.g. someone who has trouble always trying to keep things excessively neat or control others can be hugely successful if they turn that energy towards self-control and big-picture organizing instead. A person who is physically weak, meanwhile, can compensate with a strength like resourcefulness, preparedness, or leadership). Write about three things you’re good at, and three things you want to be good at. Write about how you’ve used your current strengths, and

how you can get closer to achieving future ones. Write out any number of strengths that make you feel unique. Even though others may have similar strengths, think about how your approach to your abilities sets you apart, or how your other interests might feed into things and make your talent more unique. Write about a particular emotion, along with all the physical sensations you remember feeling the last time you felt it, including weather, smells, the touch of someone else, and so forth. Pick five words or phrases that capture your character and your intentions. Then, expand on each one using stream-of-consciousness. Write about how hunger feels vs. fullness. Or write about the difference between hunger and craving. Pick two things you usually say ‘yes’ to, and two things you normally say ‘no’ to. Or, pick something you’ve agreed to recently, and something you rejected recently. In hindsight, did these decisions bring you closer to your aims? If not, what can you do to help yourself make a better decision next time? Whether saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to something is good or not can change over time. For instance, saying ‘yes’ to some volunteer work can be a great opportunity to learn and engage with the world, but if you say ‘yes’ too often, or for too long, you may be spreading yourself thin.

Fundamental Reflection Tool #2: Meditation Meditation fulfills a similar role to journaling, in that it helps you become more conscious of lurking thoughts or feelings that may be damaging you or holding you back. Unlike journaling, meditation doesn’t require any props or tools. Meditation only requires you to bring yourself, and to be present in your own body. You can expect the following benefits from a consistent habit of meditation: 1. Reduced anxiety 2. Longer attention spans 3. Lower stress and anxiety 4. Greater morale and long-term emotional mindfulness How to Begin with Meditation When you’re experienced in meditation, you’ll be able to do so anywhere, whether you’re sitting or standing, or whether the place you’re in is quiet or busy. All you really need for meditation is breath and presence of mind. However, when you’re first starting out you’ll have a much easier time if you set the right tone before beginning. Setting Up To help yourself meditate, it’s recommended you start in a safe, quiet space where you know you won’t be interrupted. 2 minutes without interruption is fine, but if you can secure that space to yourself for 5, 10 or even 30 minutes, that’s even better. For this reason, your bedroom tends to be the best place to begin meditating, but you aren’t limited to that.

Once you’ve found a quiet, secure space, pick somewhere to sit. It can be on a chair, a couch, a cushion, or a carpet. You can be on the floor, or on something above it. Just don’t (as a general rule) sit on your bed for this and, if you’re on the floor, always use a mat or pillow of some kind. You want to feel comfortable, but not drowsy. Now, once you’re sitting down, get into a nice position. If you’re seated on a chair or couch, you can keep your feet flat on the ground, so that you feel more rooted in the environment around you. If you cannot comfortably keep your feet flat on the ground while sitting (e.g. you’re sitting on a cushion on the floor), then just sit cross-legged normally. Then, allow your back to straighten, look up slightly, and breathe. You do not need to stress about keeping your back straight, but you’ll find it makes the whole experience more pleasant and invigorating. Next, rest your wrists either on or near your knees, with your palms facing towards the ceiling. If you are wearing glasses, remove them. You do not need to remove contact lenses. If you’re worried about meditating for too long, or not long enough, you can set an alarm to let you know when you’ve finished your session. Make sure the sound is gentle; you’re not trying to shake yourself from sleep, you’re just setting up a cue to help you gently unwind and let you know you’re done. Breathe Once you feel comfortable and ready, set the timer on your alarm, if you feel you need one. When you’re first starting out, it can help to start small —2 or 5 minutes is fine for your first session. Then, close your eyes.

Allow yourself to become aware of your breath. Feel the air course through you as it’s drawn into your lungs, feel the warm breath pour right out afterwards. Feel it, but do not try to control it. You do not need to control your breath. It is a natural part of who you are. Let it be, and just be aware. Notice where you feel your breath, and how it feels. Do not try to stop or change it. It’s easy to make habits of interfering in everything we’re aware of, but the resilient mind knows it can conserve energy by appreciating some things for what they are, and letting them be. Your breath, right now, is giving you life, without you having to worry about a thing. So let it be. Allow yourself to notice the way your body feels. Allow yourself to notice how your pelvis feels against whatever you’re sitting on. Allow yourself to notice how it feels as your hands rest on your knees. If you feel any tension in your body, let it relax. Don’t worry about keeping perfect posture; a straight back is a great place to start, but if tension starts to build there, let it relax. Continue to maintain awareness of your breath, or gently pull yourself back to your breath if you found yourself distracted during your body scan. Your breath is not just a giver of life, but also an object of focus. By maintaining awareness of your breath in this way, you allow scattered thoughts and a scattered mind to focus, to join together into a more unified mind. However, the mind does like to scatter, especially if it is still building up its resilience. This is why, in the last chapter, we began your path to reflection

with an exercise based on making even your wandering helpful. However, now is the time to focus. Not on positivity, but on breath. On life. But, no matter how many times you must pull yourself back into focus, remember to continue looking at yourself as a friend, or as a young relative that you must care for. When you’re aware of your body, look at it with the same affection that a close friend or family member would. When you’re aware that your mind has wandered away from your breath to your other thoughts, do not be upset. Simply notice, then gently bring it back to noticing your breath. If your mind wanders away a hundred times, gently bring it back to your breath a hundred times. Noticing that your mind has wandered is part of what being mindful is all about, so do not get frustrated with yourself when this happens. Just bring yourself back to where you need to be. If you need to wait a bit for the emotion or thought to wash over you and through you first, so be it. Hold yourself gently during this time, then bring yourself back. That’s all mindfulness is. Being aware when you stray, then bringing yourself back gently each time, so that you lose the fear and limiting belief that you cannot return after falling. You can always return to your desired path, even if it requires patience, just as you can always return to your breath with patience once you’ve noticed you’ve strayed. So let yourself return, and continue to be aware. Focus on your breath, and how it feels, and simply be aware.

When you’re able to spend longer periods of time without wandering or getting distracted, simply focusing on your breath, that’s when you’ll know your innate ability to focus and remain at peace has drastically improved. But regardless of how much you improve, always bring yourself back with gentleness when you stray. Acknowledge that, if grief or stress gets to you, your focus may have been shaken a bit, but there’s no need to be harsh with yourself. It’s not a failure. It’s just recovery. However, if you feel angry or upset while meditating, do not try to shut those feelings out, or force them away. Do not feel obligated to dive into them either. Just let them be. These feelings are still part of you, and can still be met with gentleness. You can show compassion for how you’re feeling, even if you don’t always understand why you’re feeling that way. Even if you know the feeling is based on imagination, or an untruth, don’t feel angry with yourself. You can acknowledge that a feeling is real and worth noticing, even though the cause isn’t. But do not ruminate. Simply return to your breath, focusing your attention there, and these feelings will pour through your breathing as your gentleness makes space for them to come through without mishap. Feel the energy that is pouring out with the emotion you’re experiencing, if any. Notice this energy, so that you remember to recuperate it through selfcare after your meditation. After noticing energy entering or leaving your body, once again gently return to your breath.

Of course, do not expect all your meditation sessions to be so emotionally eventful; it’s not a certainty that you’ll meet or experience all of the above in one session, or even any of the above aside from a bit (or a lot!) of wandering. However, it is good to know beforehand that, in each case, you have the right and the ability to gently steer a potentially tumultuous or turbulent heart and mind back to the soothing simplicity of breath. When you’re deep in your breath, and a feeling or thought that’s deeply important to your growth or wellbeing comes to mind, allow yourself to distill it into one word, which you can then repeat naturally with your breath. For instance, you might repeat a word such as family, love, dog, child, life, rest, heal, strong, or even breathe. Words that are attached to living creatures or to cherished feelings are best. Still, when you notice you’re overly focusing on the word, return to your breath. To end off, such as when your alarm chimes, do not feel the need to open your eyes straight away. As your focus begins to shift away from your breath, allow yourself to notice your body again. Allow yourself to notice your fingers and toes, even wiggling them a bit if you want. Allow yourself to notice your pelvis, your belly, your chest, your throat, and your mouth. Allow any remaining tension to unwind and leave your body before finally opening your eyes. This exercise, much like physical exercise or academic studies, has more pronounced effects as you keep doing it consistently, or for longer periods.

This is a tool that can help you expand your mental toughness for the rest of your life. As a token of gratitude, be sure to thank yourself for attending this session of mindfulness and self-care before continuing with your day. As you continue to practice meditation and grow more confident, you can try it in noisier environments, or while standing up. Meanwhile, in your safe space, you might try meditating for longer sessions. Longer sessions will help your mind develop an ability to focus for longer, to remain determined for extended periods of time without being burdened by restlessness or anxiety. A few minutes of this each day can add value to the hours of time you’ll have remaining.

Chapter 7: Guidelines on Transforming More of Your Challenges From Threats to Opportunities

From Obstacle to Stepping Stone A few times, earlier in this book, we touched on the notion that negative thoughts and feelings aren’t necessarily permanent blockages, but are much more temporary, like an obstacle. These obstacles can, in fact, be used to discover and highlight new potential paths for yourself. You’ve tasted elements of this process already. Overwriting a bad response in a lifelong habit with a better response is one example, as it’s a way of taking a perceived weakness then using the cues you’ve built up as the foundation for a new strength. Needless to say, this method of tackling the perceived problems in your life is a great way to stretch out your grit, as even on a purely psychological level you’ll no longer feel swamped by issues, but rather surrounded by choices for development. This attitude is not limited to perceived character flaws or emotional challenges however: just about any challenge you might encounter in your life can be reframed into less of a problem, and more of a potential guiding post or even a potential tool. To perform this shift in mindset more totally, however, it helps to stage a deeper confrontation of one’s habits of procrastination (and how it impacts our time and energy i.e. our ability to resolve tasks and overcome challenges), as well as one’s general fears of failure. Procrastination can be a huge contributor to the perception that a problem is insurmountable. To turn a challenge into a choice or opportunity, after all, it first needs to feel manageable.

A fear of failure, meanwhile, naturally makes it much harder for us to take steps towards achieving our goals. Even for a being who otherwise feels quite confident, a particularly strong or irrational fear of failure can put them off trying to even attempt something at all, to the point where it’s no longer just procrastination, but outright giving in. The overwhelming fear to even attempt reframing a problem can be a huge contributor to that problem entrenching, rather than dissolving or positively transforming. So, how can one start taking steps to get on top of one’s remaining obstacles, such that we cease seeing them as obstacles at all? Confronting Fears of Failure Fears of failure actively stop us from taking advantage of opportunities. This includes the potential opportunities hidden in the challenges around you. An ingrained fear of failure has many common causes such as low selfesteem, in-built perfectionism (i.e. refusal to do something unless you know you’ll succeed perfectly 100%), or anxiety. For you, however (or for anyone who has built up consistent mental toughness), a fear of failure may instead be manifesting much more mildly as a simple reluctance to try new things. It could also manifest as a hesitation to get involved in things that still seem like they may be challenging. The first step to confronting failure comes from redefining it, which you already began doing in Chapter 2. Now, for many people, failure is equated to being the end of the world. For others, it represents ammunition for self-doubt and other negative thoughts.

Some take failure as personal rejection. But you know it doesn’t have to be. If you can see why you failed, you know what to improve for next time. Sort of like criticism. This transforms failure from a foe to a teacher. With this perspective, failure no longer cuts you off from your dreams; it gives you pointers on how to improve your technique to truly reach them. Remember: as per Chapter 2, what we often see as ‘failure’ is rarely a failure at all, but rather just a step towards mastery. Being kind of bad at something is typically the first step towards being sort of good at something. However, if this advice is insufficient, you can also do the following: 1. Look at the worst-case scenario of what you intend to do. What’s the worst that can realistically happen? Don’t overthink how other people will react or behave if you fail, but look at things objectively; what clear, explicit promises have been made to you or your group around the consequences of failure? What resource would you have expended, what opportunity cost would you have incurred through failure? Also look at what you might still gain even in a worst-case scenario. If you’re undertaking a high-stakes activity, you might find that a fear of failure is perfectly reasonable, but often it’s not as bad as you first think. Remind yourself that this is what the worst-case scenario is; it’s not a certainty that it’ll even happen to begin with. 2. Look at the best-case scenario. Again, don’t go into unicorn-thinking. Look objectively at what promises have been made to you around the consequences of your success. Examine the resources you can

reasonably expect to gain, as well as the additional opportunities you’d create for yourself through this success. Weigh the advantage of what you can gain in this scenario against what you could lose if you fail. If you stand to gain much more than you stand to lose, fear of failure can diminish somewhat. 3. Ask yourself, “Okay, what’s the best way to achieve the WORST-case scenario?” For instance, if you wanted to build trust among a group, then the worst-case scenario would be ruining trust entirely and getting punished or booted out. Finding ways to do something badly is easy, so you can quickly create a list of things that’ll quickly lead to the worst possible outcome. In the case of failing to build trust, you might write things like, “always kowtow to what everyone wants regardless of my principles, say one thing and then do another, keep myself isolated and aloof, never seek clarity or closure, always jump to conclusions, and never appreciate anything nice that people might do for me; I must always question their kindnesses openly.” Once you’ve written that list out, write out a list of its opposites. These opposites will give you hints on how to achieve your best-case scenario instead. As a bonus, writing out what not to do can help you be more mindful of when you’re doing these things later, allowing you to catch and stop yourself before it’s too late. 4. Identify which mental training techniques from the previous chapters will help you most/tie in best with your intended course of action. Exercise and journaling are both helpful to just about everyone, for instance, but a wannabe writer would find the latter more useful to do in larger amounts, or for longer periods of time, while an aspiring athlete would get more out of doing the same with the former. Trust-

building techniques get the most mileage when you work with people frequently, whether for innovation or for routine work, while self-talk is invaluable whenever you undertake something new or creative in your life. 5. Create micro-goals to help you out and boost confidence further. For instance, you may be afraid of failing to get a promotion you really want. A micro-goal could involve building up the courage to introduce yourself and communicate regularly with the kind of people you’d need to work with in your new position. Another micro-goal can involve research into what the position entails, and another micro-goal can mean getting to practice a skill you might need for that new position. Micro-goals are best when they’re still a little challenging, but not as scary as reaching the big outcome you’re afraid of failing to reach. With each micro-goal you complete, the final outcome will seem easier to reach, and fear of failing to do so will become less relevant for you. 6. Create a Plan B, or secondary goal/course of action that you can comfortably fall back on if your first plan doesn’t work. This is especially helpful if the worst-case scenario really is something to be feared (e.g. potentially losing one’s home). A Plan B is like another safety net, and boosts confidence. An aspiring artist, for instance, might also be learning welding skills, giving themselves a Plan B as a mechanic that allows them to explore their creative side more fearlessly, knowing that even if they flop as an artist, they can still support themselves. Putting Procrastination on Hold

Most of you reading this have likely put a project on hold at some point in your lives, whether it was waiting until Friday afternoon to get that weekly work assignment done, or waiting until the weekend before to finally read the brief of your high school art or tech project. Compare how overwhelming that felt to another project where you started the day you got it, and worked in more manageable chunks. This is the difference between making something feel like a challenging but interesting opportunity to learn and grow… or making it feel like an absolute terror that becomes a problem and knocks your grade averages down. Most of us battle with procrastination to some degree, even the mentally resilient among us. However, there are techniques to help us get our gears going again, and keep ourselves organized. When organized, we have more time to fully ponder problems, rather than rushing them, and therefore become more likely to find ways to work with them or around them. Firstly, recognize that procrastination is not the same thing as laziness. Often-times, procrastination wears our confidence down through shame or guilt because we begin to believe we’re lazy and incapable. This can make it harder for you to see your true competence, and therefore harder to see what solutions are in front of you for any given problem. Laziness is best described as apathy, or a complete lack of activity. Procrastination, however, is when we substitute a big scary (but important) task for something more enjoyable, even if it’s trivial. Procrastination, fortunately, isn’t a sickness, personality flaw, or disease. It’s just a habit. Which means you can override it like any other bad habit. How

you do this will vary from person to person depending on the cues that divert them and the responses they find most comforting, but there are some general tips you can adhere to. Firstly, recognize whether you actually are procrastinating or not. Sometimes, a task will need to be delayed or put off for a bit so you can reorganize your schedule into something that’ll be more efficient or otherwise successful in the long-run. Sometimes a personal emergency will come up, and you need to delay your current task to deal with it. Sometimes, something that isn’t as important but is still highly urgent will come up, and you just need to deal with it right now. This isn’t procrastination. Procrastination is when you keep putting something on hold with no schedule of getting back to it in the foreseeable future. It’s when you deliberately ignore the task to do something else, even when that task you’re ignoring is important for your success in your professional/personal life. If something important stays on your to-do list for a long time, if you habitually fill your day up with low-urgency, low-importance tasks as much as possible, if you continuously put such tasks first in your day, or if you consistently prioritize the minor requests of others even when it hurts your ability to comfortably finish the important tasks on your list, then you’re almost certainly procrastinating. Helpful Guidelines Now, if you truly are procrastinating, you can use the following guidelines to combat this behavior:

Firstly, remember to treat yourself compassionately, just as you would during meditation or while building self-trust. Procrastination is just another form of wandering. Bring yourself back gently each time you notice you’re doing it. Next, note that it takes 20 minutes for your brain to refocus after being distracted by a text, non-urgent chore or email. Three distractions constitute an hour of lost time. Give yourself permission to set boundaries so you’re not available to be distracted by others during important work hours. Being asked to do a random chore or favor for someone else is nice when you genuinely have the extra time, but when you’re in a crunch you’ll need to say no unless they’re willing and able to help you with your problem in turn, otherwise you’re effectively procrastinating. It’s no good saying ‘yes’ to helping someone if doing so will only make you resent them later and put you under unnecessary strain. Building on that, unless your sole job is answering emails, you don’t need to check your emails more than twice or thrice on any given workday; once when you clock in, once when you come back from lunch, and once about an hour before your shift is done. On that same token, social media isn’t going anywhere. It will wait until after your shift, and any follower or friend who truly respects you will do the same. You can give social media the boot by turning off all devices where you usually access it, removing distracting cues from your workspace. Alternate responses to cues you cannot remove include

writing in your journal, writing a gratitude letter, doing some jumping jacks, or rehydrating yourself. Thirdly, before you begin with your day, write out the important tasks you need to get done during that time as a schedule or to-do list, and specify what task will be done in which hours as much as possible. Meeting tax, work, or education deadlines timeously are good things to put on this list. Ideally, you can space big tasks out over multiple days so that even though they’re big and important, they never feel stressful or urgent. For instance, writing a book like this is important to me, but writing a few thousand words a day makes the task much easier to handle than if I tried to write tens of thousands all at once. When making your schedule or to-do list, leave gaps for unexpected circumstances. A vital tool needing to be taken in for repairs, a loved one needing your support in the hospital, a power outage, or a ward/dependent needing urgent/unexpected discipline or support are all important things that you can’t plan for ahead of time in your day; you’ll need to leave space for them. You’ll want to include your non-habitual mental toughness practices somewhere on your list too, even if it’s just a few times a week or month; these activities aren’t urgent but they ARE important. This goes for any other form of self-care, self-growth, or conscious recreation you may be needing. If you don’t make time for healing and growth, you’ll burn out and your body will force you to make time.

Building on that, prioritize your tasks according to what is most important, and schedule accordingly. This way, even if something happens that causes you to fail meeting your schedule goals for that day, you will have at least knocked the most important things off your list. Fourthly, even if it’s in small ways, make moves to begin a new important task on the day you get it, even if it isn’t urgent right now, so that you remain feeling confident and in control. Sometimes we procrastinate with our projects or problems because we feel we need to dive right in and hit the ground running, but this doesn’t have to be so, and recognizing this can help you get started on the right foot faster. For instance, on the day you get a new work project you can spend the first day outlining your rough schedule on how you’ll spend your time doing it. This allows you to tackle things more confidently and directly the next day. As another example, if you use a dish you can and probably should wash it as soon as you’re done using it. This is so that you effectively do your dishes during short and pleasant micro-breaks, rather than as an unpleasant end-ofday slog. Finally, save your toughest tasks for your peak thinking hours. You’ll feel more motivated to take them on if you do. If you wake up at around 6 or 7 in the morning, your peak times will be around 10-11 am, and you’ll begin to feel a notable slump around 3-5 pm. If you consistently or comfortably wake up at a different time, your peak thinking time will adjust proportionally. These peak thinking hours are when your cognition is best, even if you don’t feel it, and thus makes it the best time to tackle problems that feel scary or daunting, or otherwise require higher levels of critical

thinking, creativity, innovation, or sensitivity. Boring, repetitive tasks, as well as easy tasks that you enjoy, are best done outside these times for the most part. Needless to say, the boring tasks are best done before your peak-thinking times, when you’re not at your best but haven’t hit your slump yet, while your most pleasant and enjoyable tasks are best kept for the end of the day; even though your energy will be lower, you’ll still do well and stay motivated because of your love for what you’re doing. Remember Prior Techniques Micro-goals are a great way to ease yourself into a difficult or seemingly problematic task while still contributing towards its completion (rather than just distracting yourself and letting the problem get worse). Journaling is a great way to help you wrap your head around the problem or task at hand, making it feel more approachable and doable, similarly to how mapping out worst and best-case scenarios can help you overcome fear of failure. Together with the rest of what you’ve learned, this allows you to organize, manage, and control your problems and deal with your challenges, rather than letting them control you.

Remember: Your Abilities Aren’t Set in Stone — They’re Always Growing! This notion has been touched on several times throughout the book, but fully recognizing it can further help you deal with procrastination and fears of failure, as well as help you reframe and deal with your problems more effectively overall. No one is born believing their abilities are static and predetermined, nor is anyone born believing their abilities have room for growth. These beliefs are learned, and how we learn them not only determines how we think of ourselves, but it also determines how far we believe we can grow. Despite where we start out, however, everyone is able to develop a growthmindset (Popova 2018). This is part of why positive self-talk, as learned earlier, is so valuable; it helps break down beliefs that inhibit your mental growth. Depending on where you’re at mentally, you may be leaning more towards either a fixed mindset or a growth-based mindset. Compare the two below, and see which one sounds more mentally tough to you. Fixed Mindset

Growth-Based Mindset

Success is when you compare yourself to others and feel

Success equates to putting genuine effort into self-care

like you’re the best… at least, until you meet someone

and self-development

better

Challenges are opportunities to be embraced

Challenges are threats to be avoided

If things don’t work out the first time, I can try again, and keep practicing until I get better

If things don’t work out the first time, they’ll probably

If something goes wrong, I’m learning

never work out, and I should give up

Smart people must risk making mistakes, otherwise

If something goes wrong, I’m failing

they’ll never learn anything new and advance

Smart people don’t make mistakes. Their job is to get

Effort is a useful way to convert personal energy into

what they know 100% right all the time

long-term confidence and competence

Effort is a waste of time that leaves me drained

No one is perfect. If I need a skill to go somewhere or be

Being accepted by others sometimes requires hiding my

something, then I must overcome that deficiency, not

deficiencies

hide it. Otherwise, I’ll just go somewhere else where

Criticism is everyone else being too stupid to understand

people will accept me

me or too malicious to let me succeed

Criticism is a useful learning tool that helps me manifest

If someone else succeeds, that means they’re better than

my work or ideas better

me or they somehow cheated me, and I can no longer

If someone else succeeds, that means what they did is

enjoy my own success; I should hate or envy them

now confirmed to be possible, and I could one day do

My fate and abilities have already been decided for me

that too if I learn how

The hand I’ve been dealt is forever

Fate or not, I have room to keep growing

I already know what my limits are, and I won’t believe

The hand I’ve been dealt is a starting point

anyone who says otherwise

No one can know the limits of my potential, not even me, but I’d like to see how far I can go

It’s no accident most of the techniques taught throughout the book encourage thinking more in line with the right column, rather than the left. Notice how many of what’s in the left sounds like a problem, while the right column takes those same problems, and transforms them into personal stepping stones. A mind willing to grow and expand is ultimately the one that succeeds most where it counts, even if it has to first fail (or practice, as they say) countless

times in quieter corners. While a fixed mind may still grow a bit, they tend to believe they’ve hit their limit far sooner than they actually have, and struggle to adapt outside of their narrower skill set. A fixed mindset hamstrings your grit, while a growth-based one brings you closer to being unbeatable. Many of the techniques you’ve learned so far have primed you for the growth-based mindset, but it’s still a mindset that requires continual, well… growth. This can be tricky if we aren’t receiving enough of the right kind of criticism, or if we’re struggling to keep our interest in what we’re learning piqued. The key to keeping us growing, in these cases, is novelty. Novelty Novelty is an abstract noun associated with anything that feels new, original, different, or otherwise unusual in some positive manner. The reason why novelty is so wonderful for learning is because it feels, for want of a better word, ‘fresh’. It is packaged in with anything our brain finds new, and as a result forms new neural connections and pathways. Although taking on too many new things at once can feel draining (see Chapter 3), allowing space for some novelty in our lives can lead to greater happiness and cognitive ability. When we find something new and interesting, dopamine is released into our brains in larger amounts, and more brain cells are generated to help store the additional information and associations. This is why the first time you kissed a person you loved, played a certain kind of video game, saw a piece of art in a style that spoke to you, or read a book of

a genre you love can all be so memorable and potentially carry such fond (or not) memories. This is also why you may have a harder time getting lost in an area after having tried multiple routes to pass through it from your house to, say, the laundromat, a park, or work. Each new route you tried was effectively novel to you, and helped you learn the whole area to a deeper degree as a result. It’s also why a novel advertisement is automatically more memorable than one that’s formulaic. Novelty plays on being unfamiliar, while still being connected to something we already know. For example, a new route is still connected to the area you pass through. An innovative fantasy book is still connected to a genre you enjoy (if you like fantasy), but is still novel due to the concepts it presents. A clever ad is still attached to the already well-known idea of marketing. For those who wish to learn more (or remember more, as the case often is), novelty is best employed when you search for new information or techniques in a field you enjoy. To do this, pick a few things to learn that could help you get better at what you want to do in life. Then, single out one or two of these things that you like most. Then, keep looking for new innovations in these areas. In a more general sense, you can also take advantage of novelty by expressing gratitude for new, strange, or unusual experiences that were neutral or positive. Note that novelty is most valuable in the form of information, techniques, or experiences, all of which can inform and deepen character, competence, and

confidence. Buying and owning something new isn’t likely to bring any more novel benefit than reading about it, borrowing/renting it, or analyzing it would. Novelty and Challenges Challenges can be a great way to develop your growth-mindset and enhance your cognition, but for them to do so you need to reframe your challenge to be meaningful. The first way to do this is by having them tie into your contribution pillar; when you can use a challenge as an excuse to create something meaningful, your motivation and allowance for personal growth will increase as you endeavor to make something that matters to you, and matters to those you’re doing the challenge for. The second way to do this is by tying challenges into your character pillar. When meeting any challenge, you can tie it into novelty, your passions, and your personal fulfillment by asking, “How can I resolve this challenge in a way that’ll matter to me? How can I resolve it so that it matters to those I care about? So that it matters to my target audience, whether that audience is my family, my boss, or just me?” Then, allow yourself to learn new information (whether through private research or through requesting help from a mentor) that’s interesting and relevant to your challenge, further encouraging your own growth while making it easier to complete. Combating Fears of the Unknown Fears of the unknown can slow one’s ability to bring in more novelty. If you ever find yourself battling with such a fear, remember to gather extra

information and learn new facts about whatever you’re afraid to approach; this will help keep your anxieties in check as solid information makes the unknown feel more knowable. Then, follow the normal procedures for journaling and questioning negative thoughts. Next, ground yourself and/or enhance mindfulness. Finally, apply the techniques in Chapter 2 to reduce the stress that comes with uncertainty, and ergo the stress and fear that comes with the unknown.

If at First You Don’t Succeed: Why You Should Always Reframe Perspective An apocryphal story goes that, during the Space Race, the USA realized that pens don’t work in orbit, and spent millions of dollars of taxpayer money to create a pen that’d work in Zero-G. The Soviets, meanwhile, simply switched to using pencils. Although the authenticity of the story is dubious, it does beautifully illustrate that the size of a problem can completely change based on how we think about it. For a more down-to-earth example, an article published on Harvard Business Review noted the dilemma of what we can call the “elevator problem” (Wedell-Wedellsborg, 2017). In this problem, a landlord is dealing with complaints from their tenants about the slow elevator rides, and that they spend too much time waiting. So, the automatic response would be, “Okay, let’s make the elevator faster.” This could mean outright replacing the elevator, or getting a more powerful motor, or even improving the programming of the elevator to be more efficient. All of these are very costly options, and the landlord will struggle to meet any of them. So, instead, the landlord installs mirrors both in the elevator itself as well as in the waiting space next to it. He then sets up a system where classical music and instrumental jazz is played in and around the lifts. This is because he reframed the problem. He realized that, while the elevator could indeed be faster, it was actually the waiting that was annoying people, not the lack of

speed. So he made the area around the lift a more pleasant place to wait in, saving him money and successfully completing the challenge of keeping his tenants happy. Being able to reframe problems often makes them much more possible, turning them into meaningful and often novel stepping stones. Another example would be the window problem; two partners bicker over whether to keep a window open or closed. The problem is framed as “the window must be open or closed, and neither can agree.” However, when we understand the underlying needs of both parties, the problem can then be reframed. In the article’s example of the window problem, one partner wanted fresh air. The other didn’t want cool air being blown in their face. The problem then becomes, “how do we get fresh air without being bothered by the wind?” The solution is then easy; open a window in another room. Now, imagine an animal shelter having way too many pets to look after. The problem might be framed as, “there are too many pets for us to shelter, we need to encourage more people to adopt.” However, many of these pets were first adopted to begin with, so this aim was fruitless. The problem was then reframed into, “we need to encourage people to keep the pets they already have.” In the end, the animal shelter decided to draw upon their well-established connection pillar with charities and other institutions, and began hooking

struggling families up with the support they needed to keep their pets. This solution was both cheaper and more conducive to happiness for the shelter compared to take care of all the animals themselves. They even earned more gratitude and trust from the families they helped this way, compared to if they just took their pets off their hands for them. Making a difference doesn’t have to mean making it on your own. Tips on Reframing Perspective 1. Bring in a trusted friend or mentor to discuss your perspective with, and listen to whatever critique or advice they have to offer, using what you’ve learned here to make the best use of it. They may be able to spot something you missed. 2. Make a habit of reading a diverse array of authors. It’s an easy way to expose yourself to new perspectives, which may be all you need to flip your own. 3. Employ the tips on focus in Chapter 4. 4. Employ humor. Even if you’re the only one in the room. Blowing a situation out of proportion to that point that it’s funny not only helps you step back, but it also helps you settle things in a better perspective. Comedies that deal with daily life challenges, though not strictly realistic, can provide inspiration on how to blow something out of proportion in your mind comedically, where you can then laugh the overblown problem off and come back down to Earth, or at least approach more serious problems in a better spirit.

Chapter 8: Assuring Independence & An Enduring Sense of Purpose “Persons of high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves superior to others; they do not seek to prove their value by measuring themselves against a comparative standard. Their joy is being who they are, not in being better than someone else.” — Nathaniel Branden For greater character, contribution, competence, confidence, and control.

Getting More Deeply in Touch With Your Core Self By now, you’ve already learned many techniques to help you develop a more solid sense of purpose, whether it’s through the epiphanies of journaling, the awareness of meditation, the realizations that have come through overturning limiting beliefs, or the character-building decisions that come with reforming habits and choosing new goals. However, at some it may be tricky to decide how to develop further. Even novelty can only carry you so far if you aren’t sure which new thing among millions best suits your ever-growing values or character. In the long term, your sense of character and purpose will be what decides how you continue to treat your own needs, habits, and abilities as time goes on. It is also what allows you to know for sure when a value or decision is yours, or if it’s just the built-in voices of everyone else around you. You can, of course, continue to use reflection to check in with your inner purpose, but should that ever be insufficient, you can enhance your reflection by… Using Exploratory Questions This can be during sessions of self-talk, downtime, or some other form of pre-established me-time. It can be a modified meditation process, or a new topic for your journal. Whatever it is, set aside at least 15 minutes to explore the following questions whenever you’re unsure how you’d like to grow further. You can host as many of these 15-minute sessions as you like,

until you’re satisfied with all the questions below. One question per session is a good pace, but if you need more sessions to go into greater depth, then do so. Know thyself. Know thy purpose. When am I in my element? Am I applying my strengths as often as I can? If I think about love, compassion, or care, whose faces come to mind? If I no longer had any commitments, had no responsibilities, and was feeling at my best both physically and mentally, what would I do? When do I want to work hard? What are my values? Let’s say I write a eulogy for myself. What’s the one thing I’d want the person reading it to be able to say? When am I in my element? Think about an activity where you feel relaxed, but not bored. An activity where you feel challenged, but not anxious or stressed out. What tasks or activities cause you to lose track of time, and feel easy to focus on? Even within a single job, there will be many parts that feel like this, while other parts may feel the complete opposite. As a general rule, any activity that doesn’t make you think “I can’t wait for this to end” on a regular basis lies somewhere within your element. Your element can include many facets of your life, such as certain parts of your career, specific hobbies that bring you the most joy, or even particular friends or family. If it helps you shelve worries and feel fully present in a moment of contentment or satisfaction, it’s in your element. Your element is not restricted to one particular kind of field, work, or other activity.

Perhaps walking dogs was something in your element that you’ve been neglecting for some time. Or maybe it wasn’t dogs. Think of a cherished story, or a favorite game you love to play. Once you know what’s in your element, what brings you there, you can make goals to help create more time for these vital and fulfilling parts of your life. Strengths... One of the journaling topics in Chapter 6 mentions listing your strengths and then writing about them. Now, ask yourself, “How often do I use these strengths to excel at my work, develop my relationships or improve myself?” For strengths that largely go unused, which ones resonate most with you? Think of a way to take such a strength, then employ habits to bring it into your life more consistently. For instance, if you know that patience is a strength of yours, you can take a more active role in mediating between conflicting colleagues. If your powers of comprehension are high, you can smooth over misunderstandings. If you have a great passion or technical understanding of literature, you can craft motivational stories for your friends, or blog as a side-hustle. If you’ve got a handle on game design, you can even create new rules to add novelty to the way you and your friends enjoy a certain pastime. If you’re great at following the scientific method or making accurate deductions, you can find ways to apply that thinking to making both your personal and professional spaces more pleasant places to be as you help improve systems and resolve problems in both.

Not all strengths need to be used 100% of the time, but you lose nothing when you keep an eye out for spaces in life where those strengths can potentially fit. Love… The faces that come to mind might not even be human. Perhaps a god or godlike figure comes to your mind. Or maybe you had a favored pet who helped shape your disposition while growing up. Remember that your connection pillar is one of the foundations of your mental strength, so it stands to reason that many of us feel partially defined or given purpose by those around us. Some people will easily visualize friends and family, while others might actually be envisioning the people associated with a particular organization, business, or charity that they work for or volunteer time in. Take a moment to think about what love means to you outside of a romantic context. If there’s something or someone you have a deep emotional attachment and care for, they likely have a strong relevance to your ultimate sense of purpose, and even some of your current goals might revolve around enjoying time with them or making life better for them in a way that ultimately brings you satisfaction and fulfillment too. Fully recharged, and no burdens to sap that energy… When confronted with a completely open day, many of us have the instinct to just relax and recuperate, such as with a cruise, a massage, a video game, or a series binge. Now, imagine that recuperation has already happened, and you’re faced with a free day to do whatever you want.

If your current to-do list was a blank slate, what would you choose to write on it? How does this line up or differ from your loves and/or your element? Considering this scenario gives you a better choice of what you’d choose to do if you had the time and energy, and can reveal potential life changes you might want to consider. It can also be a great motivation to become better organized or stand up for your boundaries, as you now have a clearer idea as to why you’re doing so. When do I want to work hard? When are you most willing to work hard? There’s a difference between working hard and working smart for sure but, if the chips were down, what kind of task would you feel happy sinking energy into? What kind of task would you resent sinking similar energy into? The task you resent doesn’t have to be harder or tougher than the task you love, as our levels of motivation and enjoyment do not necessarily line up neatly with the objective difficulty of an activity. Keep an eye out for moments in your life (past or present) where you gave a lot of energy not because you had to, but because you wanted to. This will give you a clue into what you might want to do next. For instance, someone might first truly believe that their purpose is as a writer when they look back at their year, and examine all writing and editing they did for a bunch of friends to help them in their enterprise. Not because this person was being paid, mind, but because they genuinely loved writing, and couldn’t understand why their friends would struggle with such a thing. Incidentally, the above scenario is an example of how exercising your contribution pillar can lead you to making further discoveries about

yourself. Values Values are what allow us to set boundaries (e.g. if you value family over work, you might have a boundary against working overtime if doing so would mean skipping a hospital visit to a loved one) as well as stand up for ourselves and what we care about during relationship conflicts. You likely have some idea of what your values are already, but it doesn’t hurt to spend more time getting to know them better, especially since your values are fully capable of changing as time goes by. To delve deeper into or re-familiarize yourself with your values, take a moment to think about the personal traits that you feel most proud of. Then, take a moment to think about the traits you appreciate the most in others. Now, prioritize them. For instance, do you put love before or after honor? If that feels too broad, you can go into further detail. For instance, maybe you’d prioritize doing your duty over slacking off for a spontaneous date, but you’d absolutely walk out of the office at a moment’s notice if your brother, sister, child, or significant other was terribly injured or ill. Spend some time working out how your various values overlap, and you’ll find your sense of self-trust will improve along with your sense of purpose or identity. Now, about that eulogy… How many of us think to look back on our lives before they’re almost over? This may be a somewhat macabre form of reflection, but it’s still valid. Imagine you’re at the end of your life right now. What one thing do you

wish you did while you still had the chance? What worries felt so compelling just a moment before, but now seem trivial or even inconsequential compared to the importance of accomplishing this thing that you wished you’d done? You can even write your eulogy or obituary out during one of your journaling sessions, then ask, “Hm, what is missing?” Then, allow yourself to take steps in your life to pursue what you wish to accomplish. You have your whole life ahead of you, but the time you have shouldn’t be taken for granted; you can show that time gratitude too, and you can do so by taking steps to align your actions with this one thing you wish to accomplish, even if your first (few hundred) steps may be subtle or small.

Reaffirming and Reinforcing Your Sense of Identity In addition to the questions above, you can also reinforce your sense of self or sense of purpose by addressing several of the factors that influence it. For instance, your sense of self first starts to develop during your childhood. At a certain age, you begin forming your own identity separate from that of your caregivers. This process is known as ‘individuation’. This may seem too far back to clearly remember, but bear with me, this is leading somewhere important. Try to consider what your individuation process was like. The keys to a successful, healthy individuation include opportunities to learn, some freedom to explore (although there may have been some barriers around for your safety), as well as enough space to verbally express your wants and needs. Individuation leads to a strong sense of self when the child is allowed to express their personality without feeling constantly shamed or made to feel bad for it. However, if a child is constantly taught that what they are is bad, then they become more and more likely to ignore or even hate their inner selves, casting it as some evil second nature (even if it really isn’t), before then attempting to recast themselves as something more acceptable to those around them. To double-check whether or not your individuation was a successful one, do this: whenever you make a decision around loved ones or while in a public

space, ask yourself, “Would I have made this same decision if no one else was watching?” If not, then you’re prioritizing the interests of others over your own. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but if you do it consistently in your personal life it can leave you with an uncertain purpose beyond whatever is momentarily imposed by the whims and desires of others. Desires that don’t necessarily factor in or care about your own wellbeing, or only care about it secondarily. To keep a solid purpose and sense of self despite this, think of small actions you might ordinarily do alone but not when someone is watching. Now, narrow it down to actions that might make you feel a bit nervous or embarrassed, but aren’t actually harmful to anyone or threatening to your career (e.g. reading a racy novel during your downtime, playing a musical instrument you’re still learning, drawing a picture, dancing a bit), and then do them for your own sake, even when others are around. In environments where you feel less self-conscious (e.g. around trusted friends or other forms of compassionate, accepting people), you can even try performing bigger actions, clearing the air for you to bring them more freely into your life going forward. This is a great way to connect more deeply with who you are at your core, as well as raise your confidence as you’ll essentially be telling yourself, “These people around me accept more of who I am than I thought. And now they’re accepting a little more, and a little more…” Much like with building confidence in general, strengthening your individuality can also be done successfully in small steps.

As you continue to develop yourself, you’ll find (if you haven’t already) that the best friends and connections you have are those where you can behave as them almost exactly as you’d behave when alone. But, you know, together. That said, how you individuated earlier in life may have had knock-on effects on your ability to attach to others as well as your ability to fit in amongst others, so it’s important to examine these aspects too. Identity in Attachments Take a moment, quickly, to cast your thoughts back to your earlier me-time sessions, as described in Chapter 5. Take a moment to consider, again, how different people made you feel in different contexts. This is a great way to identify and take steps toward resolving potential issues in any present relationship you may have. At this point, with all you’ve learned about confidence, criticism, growth, reflection, and more, it’s unlikely that your attachments are having any remaining negative effect on you. However, if something still feels off, or if some of your relationships feel like they’re eroding you or taking something out of you, it can help to investigate your sense of attachment and how it ultimately relates to your mental resilience and sense of self. Your sense of attachment naturally begins at a very early age. Much like individuation, which starts with how you define yourself in relation to your caregivers (and then later, your peers), your sense of attachment also begins in how you handle your relationship with your caregivers… and then, later, your peers.

Successful, healthy attachment, much like successful individuation, requires that—even if the world around you was chaotic or scary—you still felt certain during your childhood that your guardians or caretakers loved and accepted you for who you are, without any prerequisite or conditions required. Your ability to form attachments that ultimately lift your confidence, competence, and sense of connection comes down to how safe you felt in your relationship with your parents or guardians. Of course, like all other abilities this one can be grown and developed, but it helps to know what you’re developing from. If, as a child, you didn’t feel completely safe or secure in the love of those looking after you, then it’s highly likely you’d have begun changing your behavior for the sake of ‘earning’ that love. Naturally, if you then do what they feel you should be doing, you likely got some praise for it. However, we know by now that praise isn’t necessarily an objective measure of your worth at all. Much like criticism, it’s heavily influenced by the subjective needs of others. Sadly, the effects of this praise tend to remain long after the needs of your caregivers have changed several times over. For instance, when you first changed your behavior to ‘win’ love, it was likely under the belief that changing your behavior will help the relationship succeed.

On its own, this belief doesn’t sound too bad. If our behavior is inconsiderate or harmful to others, reforming how you behave around them is logically necessary for the relationship to remain viable. However, if you felt particularly insecure, and kept changing your behavior over and over to fit what your caretakers expected of you, with little room or allowance to explore your own needs or wants, then you may have learned (consciously or subconsciously) that changing yourself to fit into a mold defined by your peers, friends, or even romantic partners is the only way to succeed in a relationship with them. This belief is what tends to encourage us to neglect our own needs without enough room to properly recoup, which can lead to reduced resilience in the long run. Are My Early Attachment Experiences Negatively Impacting Present Relationships? To double-check if a belief like this is currently affecting you, do a motive check on the favors you do for others, especially for favors that require you to set your own needs aside. Are you doing this favor because of your values? Was the favor, in context, worth prioritizing over your normal preferences? Did it bring you joy or fill your heart with love to see this person happy? Did you feel satisfaction or accomplishment? If you needed similar help or support, do you feel confident that they’d do their best to help you reach it (whether through helping you themselves, or trying to connect you with someone who can help you better)? If so, then it’s unlikely that you are being held back by any limiting beliefs around this particular attachment, and that you’ve become extremely

resilient when it comes to confidence and most of your connections. The feelings above show that the associated attachments ultimately support and feed into your sense of purpose, and help you reinforce your identity. On the flip side, not every relationship you have with others might be like that. In any of your other relationships, do you see your favors as the only way to keep that person’s affection? Do you believe they’d leave or reject you if you put your own needs first? When you performed the favor, did you find yourself experiencing more resentment than anything else? Did it make you feel like your voice doesn’t matter? Did it bring you relief to see this person happy? Are you scared to ask for similar help or support from them, fearing doing so would earn their wrath or be a burden on them, despite all you’re doing for them? Do you generally feel less important than them? Resolving Relationships that Erode Your Resilience of Purpose While even good relationships will have bad days, usually it ends with a sincere apology and a heartfelt release of tension as guilt is dropped and love is brought back in, and you both go off feeling secure in your care for one another. This is normal, and fine. Sadly, in life, there will be some relationships where the other person consistently leaves you feeling somewhat unsettled, nervous, or even terrified despite them nominally being a friend or loved one. Sometimes on purpose, often quite by accident.

Maybe they fly off the handle over silly things, like the floor not being shiny enough to double as a mirror every second of the day. Maybe they try to change or ‘guide’ your behavior by constantly comparing you to others, especially in a negative way, despite this being one of the worst things to do for one’s confidence and ultimate mental resilience. If you feel grateful that they hang around not because of their positive qualities, but because they stick to you despite the many negative qualities they keep pointing out, or if they make you feel like you ask for support too much even when you barely ask for anything at all, then you know you’ve found an attachment that is outright dangerous for your continued resilience, as their behavior may be a source of fresh negative thoughts or limiting beliefs that you find yourself spending strength or grit on to get rid of. In these cases, the first thing you can try (if you haven’t already) is apply what you’ve already learned about trust and communication, as well as how you relate to others, assertively discussing any draining ‘shoulds’ or “ought tos” that this relationship is imposing on you, and what common ground the two of you might still be able to reach. Remember to avoid attacking the person or pointing out their negative qualities. Instead, keep the focus on the recurring thoughts, words, or actions that are hurting you, draining you, or putting you down. Don’t ask your partner to change, but do point out how certain behaviors affect you, and ask them if this is the kind of impact they want to have on

you. If they’re simply self-centered or unaware, this can be enough to help them express themselves better without hurting you. However, if you’ve already tried this and the most you got was an insincere apology while they continue to put you down (or temporarily cease to put you down, only to soon get back to making you feel worthless), then the best you can do is exercise your ability to choose, and choose to move on. This can mean spending less time with them, and more time with those who support you and help you grow, or it could mean maintaining specific boundaries (e.g. “If you keep shouting at me or comparing me to others while we’re together, then I will not want to hang out face-to-face with you.”). It could also mean choosing to just spend time with yourself instead, as doing so would give you the space needed to rebuild your sense of self using previously discussed techniques. If this feels difficult at any point, allow yourself to draw on help from your connections, whether supportive friends or even therapists. That said, whatever you choose to do, be as honest as you can about the status of your relationship so that on both sides there can be certainty, rather than ambiguity and insecurity. Then, keep to your word regarding what you’ve decided to do, even if it means giving advanced warning and eventually ending the friendship entirely.

You can explain how certain actions or words make you feel, but you can’t make someone stop doing them. Voice what hurts you, but don’t try to transform someone into something they’re not. If the true self of your partner is really so toxic for your own true self, allow yourself to part with them graciously (i.e. without wasting time or energy trying to put them down in revenge), whether that be face-to-face in a public space, via phone call, or a handwritten letter. Stay true to your values, and acknowledge when yours really don’t align much with theirs, making boundaries or creating space accordingly. This way, you can keep your identity and overall resilience intact no matter how many attachments you might form throughout life.

Chapter 9: Grit, Passion & Persistence

To Become Grittier, Weave Passion Into Your Life Simply put, Liam Neeson’s character in Taken wouldn’t have displayed the same grit if it was his goldfish that got kidnapped. We naturally bring more grit to situations that motivate us, and situations that motivate us will contain at least one person, value, or thing in our lives that we deeply care about. What you’ve learned about habits so far, as well as positive self-talk, have ultimately made it much easier for you to build grit through the deployment of persistence in your life. Remember especially that habits allow you to maintain high grit and mental toughness even when your motivation or morale is otherwise low, thanks to the energy they save and the comfort they bring allowing us to persist for much longer than we otherwise could. However, persistence is only half the story, and even habits can benefit greatly from making a special inclusion for one key ingredient... … known as passion. The other half of a strong mind’s story. The persistence and passion you’re able to bring to your aims, to actions that achieve your longer-term goals, is the essence of what grit is, even more so than motivation and consistency. If you read between the lines, you’ll see persistence and passion define consistency. If you have one without the other, you cannot claim to be operating with full, true grit.

The good news, here, is that if you’ve been reading this book end-to-end, by this point the foundation for finding your passion has already been laid and fortified for you; when you do not fear failure or novelty it becomes much easier for you to take any additional steps that may be needed to reach your passion. Likewise, when you know your values and are used to investigating yourself with exploratory questions, it becomes much easier to know not only what you want, but what will make you feel alive. You’ve likely begun taking small steps to weave your passions into your life already; think about specific exercises or activities that you’ve chosen and have continued because you gain genuine satisfaction out of them. For instance, you can build confidence through exercise with an innumerable amount of techniques, so what does it mean if you then chose Spanish dancing (as an example) out of everything else you could’ve picked? In this case, it would mean you’ve made an affirmation that you’ve discovered (or have returned to) something you’re passionate about. Likewise for when you write about a particular journal topic more than others, or write about a specific person in your gratitude letters more than others. These are all small signposts of your passion, on top of your values, your strongest hand-cultivated habits, and your chosen goals. Before we go forward, remember that much like your values and other loves, it helps to bring what you care about into your life through first working these cares into your habits. From there, it makes it easier for what

you love to become more present in each day you live. This is something you must start yourself, as no one else can jumpstart your loves for you. Tips on Unearthing More Passions Building confidence and mindfulness, as well as consistently engaging with exploratory questions already does much for helping you find your passions. But should what you’re currently putting into practice ever feel insufficient, and you find yourself yearning for further passions that you just cannot find with your current techniques, you can also try the following below. Slow Down a Little More Allow yourself to take a moment to look at the little things. If something is there that ordinarily isn’t, allow yourself to ponder how it may have gotten there. Take a moment to consider how this thing is making you feel too. Maybe a piece of litter is making you feel angry; perhaps you’re passionate about cleanliness. Or maybe you’re passionate about the environment. But what if it’s a flower or small animal you noticed? Whether your reaction to it was awe, anger, compassion, or something else, take a moment to consider what this might tell you. Maybe you had no emotional reaction at all, in which case maybe you’re not so passionate about that specific thing. Or maybe something you’re more passionate about was on your mind. What was that? Allow yourself to slow down and notice these things. This not only helps you with passion, but also provides you with more material for your selfreflection sessions, journal entries, and gratitude notes.

On Your Next Day Off, Write a Sentence or Two for Each Year of Your Life For years that kind of gelled together in your brain, you can instead write several sentences. Firstly, write about something that you experienced or dealt with personally in that year, or write down a few things that happened in a group of years. Then, find a list of historical events that happened in that year or group of years, and write down the ones that resonate with you most. When you’re done, look back on all you’ve written. What themes emerge? Where do you see links between your life and historical events that are seemingly unrelated? Are there particular lessons, thoughts, or beliefs that keep coming up through these events? Do you still agree with them? Are there any you want to reframe? If so, do so, but don’t exaggerate. Stay honest and down to Earth in your appraisal. Which events are hypnotic for you, seemingly drawing your attention back to them again and again? Which parts of your life are filled with painful memories? Which parts do you remember as treasures? Do the historical events you selected have any impact or bearing on the way you may have seen these memories? If, while you’re examining your themes, you find you’re effectively playing the same kind of scenario out again and again with but just with different people (e.g. a pattern that you find yourself applying to most of your

relationships, or to specific kinds of relationships such as romances), is it a scenario you enjoy? What is your role in those scenarios? If you don’t like it, what have you learned so far that can help you break away and change it? If you do like it, what have you learned that can help you enjoy it even more fully for what it is? The themes or recurring events you spot in your life, how you feel about them, as well as how you intend to interact with them going forward, can give you a great insight into what your passions are, as well as how your passions may have changed. As one example, someone I knew performed this exercise and recounted that, when they were old enough to speak, they refused to go to church. They wanted to go visit the local SPCA instead. Later in life they’d get a pet collie, and spend time volunteering at animal shelters… at least, until the collie died. This helped this someone become more aware of their passion for animals, as well as incidentally showing them they may still be in grief over their loss, and that they may benefit from keeping this in mind when giving self-care going forward. This same person also found that their refusal to go to church later blossomed into a great deal of skepticism towards organized faith… but their attitude towards the idea of faith itself became softer and gentler as they kept meeting kind or compassionate individuals who belonged to some organized spiritual group or another. This revealed a passion for people who have compassion and care, with a secondary passion for spiritual freedom over spiritual conformity. They are

passionate about values that support these things. The combination and the meaning of the passions you discover will feel unique to you. Embrace them. If You Had More Faith in Your Competence, What Would You Spend More Time Doing? This is a kind of activity that might actually be in your element, but you haven’t yet spent enough time or developed enough experience with it to be sure. It might be an activity far outside your usual perceived spheres of competence. It might be an activity you see as too expensive to risk with your current skill-set. Or you might see it as an activity that’d take too much time, or isn’t important enough to warrant sufficient time to develop (e.g. you’re afraid you’d take too long to learn how to do it) when you already have other clear goals or routines that you wish to follow. Fair enough. However, if you don’t consciously set aside time for it for a specific day (not just someday) then odds are you might never try it out. Allow yourself some time to try out things that have grabbed your interest, yet were too wildly different from your normal path to consider investigating. This is, in many ways, an extension of the concept of novelty, but with more emphasis on going outside your comfort zone over finding the new and the fresh among what you’re already familiar with.

The end result is that you’ll either de-romanticize the activity for yourself and move on, allowing greater focus on your other passions, or you’ll discover a new thing you’ve got a keen interest in, which you can then use not only to explore a new passion, but also to expand your spheres of competence and confidence.

Enhancing Persistence Further When you know your passions, know your values, know your aims, and generally just know yourself, then it becomes easier (although not necessarily easy) to keep yourself disciplined in any activity you choose. That discipline is ultimately what helps you persist. Passion and persistence, then, have an interesting way of feeding into one another; it is easier to be disciplined (and ergo ore persistent) towards what you’re passionate about, and it is easier to consciously affirm and acknowledge any existing passions you may have for something you do just about every day (something you persist in). You may have the means to persist, but at times it may still feel like a struggle. In these cases, it can help to know a little more about how to persist. Persistence, as some might see it, is constant effort. Constant hard work. However, constancy isn’t something we worry about in mental training. Instead, we pay attention to consistency. If you’re doing something constantly, this implies that you’re putting in huge amounts of effort all the time, with minimal rest. This is not persistence. Persistence, in fact, is not constant effort. It is consistent effort that is then followed by rest. Think of the way you’d build a muscle. If you went to the gym and just spent every waking moment pumping iron, you’d wear yourself out. The actual effort of exercising, you see, doesn’t actually build your muscles up.

It tears them up. What builds muscles is the period of rest, of passive repair, that allows your body to recover stronger. Now, think of the way you’d harvest a field. If you worked the same plot of land year after year without using crop rotation or allowing it to go fallow for a while, you’d use up your soil, and would require replacements with fertilizer. But if soil is allowed to rest or rotate, then it can go much, much longer before needing that extra boost or support. So it goes with all your personal efforts in life. For activities that aren’t purely leisurely, have a day or two in the week (or at least in the month) where you just don’t do them, even if it’s still an activity you enjoy. This can help your mind and focus settle, and allow you to return to the activity with a fresher outlook or perspective when you return to it later; these ‘off’ days don’t have to be lazy by any means, as the activities that you leave out can be filled in by others that you enjoy, yet don’t usually perform. Rotating your activities like this is a viable way to incorporate more mental toughness techniques into your life without feeling burned out by all the learning you’re doing in the long term, and ergo will allow you to persist in many more aspects of your life. You don’t need to devote yourself to something 24/7 to succeed, but you do need to be willing to sink hours or even years into something to get good at it. You need to be willing and to persist. You need to be willing to put in a consistent effort… as well as take the rest needed to make that same effort next time, over and over. Remember to take extra special care of your body, particularly its dietary needs, as well as your living area during this time, as this can have a huge

impact on how much energy you feel you have. Do not treat yourself like a Hollywood depiction of a recruit at boot camp. Do not make the mistake of giving yourself less room to breathe just because you’re tougher now. Continue allowing yourself wiggle-room in your endeavors; it’ll make forgiving yourself and bouncing back from perceived failures much easier than if you dealt solely in absolutes. Speaking of forgiving yourself, do it, and do it as soon as you can. If forgiving yourself is standing between you and getting back to improving at something important to you, then gosh-darn do it! This mental training program does not advocate holding grudges against yourself or beating yourself up, and it certainly isn’t about to start doing so now! Keeping this forgiving mindset towards yourself will also help your positive self-talk stay positive, which again will feed right back into you being much more persistent and resilient.

Chapter 10: A Training Mindset for Life

Keep Acquiring New Skills Along with exploring novelty or setting goals that develop your abilities and better your life as a whole, actively spending time specifically on skills acquisition as an activity in its own right is one of the best ways to add further depth to your mental toughness and resilience; your competence solidifies your confidence, after all, and nothing expands your competence like making the process of learning a persistent habit. For this reason, taking on new skills is one of the best ways to make practical use of your mental training as well as explore a growth-based mindset. When doing so, it’s important to remember the lessons already bestowed on you by your mental training so far, and keep the following key points that derive from those lessons in the back of your mind: Failure isn’t the end, and any failure you survive is a failure you can learn from. Remember that learning is largely the point of what you’re doing during skills acquisition. Keep what you’ve learned about novelty and overcoming fears of the unknown, and apply it here. However, don’t rely on novelty to drive you; it is the spice, not the base, of what you’re doing. Genuine grit is ultimately what’ll help you follow through on learning any new skill you might desire. Talent is a good place to start, but a terrible place to end. Being gifted on its own isn’t enough. Persistence is what separates an aboveaverage individual with a fixed mindset from the genius who got to where they are pursuing their growth.

How good you want to be, when backed by the above, is much more important than how good you currently are. No one is perfect, and there’s no shame in spotting room for improvement. This improvement is ultimately what will help you overcome whatever you feel is holding you back. You don’t need the approval or blessing of someone else to learn something before you start. You’re well within your rights to begin learning a new topic before a teacher or mentor officially covers it. If you have the character to take risks alone, challenge yourself to be brave in taking risks even while others watch. Let your sense of purpose guide what you’d like to learn next. During reflection sessions, make your learning subject one of the topics you can write about. Remember to be patient with yourself. Even with the best learning strategies, it still takes time to learn. Rushing your education on a subject just to say you know it can lead to having gaps that go unnoticed. If you notice a gap later, don’t be afraid to return to your subject as needed. In addition to that, you can also benefit from observing a few extra tips: While the end result of learning is satisfying, the process of learning is just as important. This ties into absorbing failure and bringing passion into what you do. When learning, celebrate what you do, or what you’re creating, over what you inherently have. Don’t thank yourself just for being skilled at something; thank yourself when you use that skill (or any other skill) to do something that aligns with your values.

Knowing lots of facts isn’t intelligence; prioritizing them is. While taking your time to learn a subject is important, this is to give you the best perspective possible when choosing which bits of information are most useful to you, and should be used most often, and which bits of information can be put to one side without negatively impacting your abilities in daily life. We don’t all learn the same way, and different learning strategies are better for learning different subjects. Experiment with audio, visual, tactile, and spatial cues to keep your learning pleasant for yourself, and allow yourself to alter your method to help you tackle trickier subjects. As much as possible, look for connections between what you are learning and what you already know. This will make it much easier for you to find passion or practical purpose for your learning process. When one learning goal is achieved, replace it with another. Tips for Breaking Down the Learning Process Although truly mastering a skill can take time, you can learn the basics and get reasonably competent at them fairly quickly. Learning a skill goes through three stages: 1. Conscious incompetence 2. Conscious competence 3. Unconscious competence Conscious Incompetence

Conscious incompetence is the stage where you’re first learning about a subject or trying to perfect a physical technique, like batting, bowling, or driving. Here, the most important thing you can do is gain more knowledge about what you’re doing. If a skill is an aim, or long-term goal, you’ll want to break your skill down into a list of subskills, which you can write out in 10 minutes or less. For instance, driving might have a list of sub-skills like steering, gear changes, pedal sensitivity, road awareness, road etiquette, and road sign knowledge. Don’t worry about making a thorough or exhaustive list; the point of the list is just to help you break down your skill into chunks that are easier to tackle or practice with intention. Then, research each subskill. Find examples of it being done competently. You don’t need to learn everything about each subskill, just enough so that you can tell when you’ve made a mistake. For physical skills especially, it’s important to spot bad technique early on so you don’t reinforce it into a bad habit that warps your skill. Of course, making mistakes or using a good technique imperfectly is to be expected, but the important thing is knowing where you went wrong, so you can learn from that and do better next time. You will look silly from time to time, and that’s okay. Winston Churchill looked pretty silly in school, but that didn’t curb his growth in the end. Be sure to track or record your progress in some way, and find a community either in person or online that shares your interest in this skill; they can be a

valuable source of help in this stage, as well as a great source of criticism when you reach the next stage. Another way to make it easier to begin is to keep everything you need to practice the skill out in the open and easily accessible for you, so there are fewer mental hoops to jump through to build motivation. If you don’t know where to start with your subskills, pick a simple activity or problem where they could be applied, and then just jump right into it. Conscious Competence After some practice, you’ll begin to internalize respectable portions of the knowledge or techniques needed to perform the skill, even if you know you still have gaps. You have a better perspective of how well you’re doing, and can competently make conscious changes according to feedback. This is conscious competence, and it’s where criticism will be most valuable for you. This stage tends to last much, much longer than the conscious incompetence stage, so remember to be patient with yourself, and don’t lose heart. Progress isn’t linear when it comes to developing a skill. It looks much more like a reverse-exponential graph; progress will be comparatively quick early on, but true mastery, as noted earlier in the book, can take years. To get the most out of your period of conscious competence, be sure to keep raising the challenge level of your learning process so that your skill keeps getting tested and developed. An aspiring artist who could barely make a decent drawing in 1 hour might decide to try 5 drawings in an hour, for example. To keep your practice intentional, it helps to focus on a particular sub-skill for that session too. For instance, a learner driver might spend a

session in the yard practicing smoother gear changes, while the artist might be prioritizing the sub-skill of linework or shadow during their drawing. During this stage, the worst thing you can do is repeat an exercise without increasing the challenge or adding some other variation. An artist who draws a million apples, for example, isn’t necessarily going to develop the ability to draw anything else competently. So, it’ll help their technique if they vary what they draw. Likewise, the driver will vary what roads they drive on, and what gears they use (within common sense). Another trap is only learning theory, and never using that theory by putting it into practice. During your conscious competence stage, it is important that you give yourself space to accomplish tasks, solve problems, or create things using the subskills you’ve mastered so far, while testing your weaker subskills in simpler but still practical ways. The artist might make something for a friend, as an example. The learner driver might drive their already-qualified parent, partner, or friend to the shops. Usually, we learn a skill because we want to do something with it. Find something fun or fulfilling to do as you develop. Unconscious Competence This is the closest you’ll get to the phrase, “I could do this in my sleep.” This is the point where you can pass your driver’s test, or knock out a decent drawing pretty quickly without having to stop and think, “oh, am I doing this right?”

Instead, your thought can go to other areas, like dealing with unexpected circumstances decisively (such as when someone makes an unsafe lane change in front of you on the road), or in spending more time tackling higher questions (e.g. deciding which details to keep or accentuate vs. which ones to leave out or diminish when trying to capture the character of someone you’re drawing). Note that being unconsciously competent doesn’t mean you’re a master, but it does mean you have for all intents and purposes learned a new skill, and are very good at it. To develop further (e.g. you need to stand out with this skill on a professional level, like being a race car driver or full-time artist), it helps to analyze the best qualities of already existing masters, then see if you can internalize them. Keep testing yourself by setting up new challenges for yourself, or by applying what you’ve already internalized to new challenges (e.g. driving on a wet track). These tests can reveal where you still have gaps holding you back from true mastery, possibly even revealing new subskills to work on and become competent at. Finally, keep recording yourself visually in some way. This allows you to examine your technique from a more distant perspective, and allow you to spot flawed decisions that might not have been obvious when you were in the moment.

Useful Resources College Level Examination Program Or CLEP for short. If you’re in the USA and wish to use your skills to earn college credit, you can do so through this program without having to attend a tertiary institution. This can get you closer to earning qualifications while having to pay for fewer years of tuition. Note that not all colleges accept CLEP credits, but those that do include Purdue University, Michigan State University, the University of Wisconsin, and about 2897 others. CLEP’s website also has a tool to help you double-check if your intended college will accept the credits you earn through CLEP. A link to CLEP can be found here: https://clep.collegeboard.org/ Study.com As taking a CLEP exam does cost a bit of money, though, you may be interested in taking practice tests before forking out for the real deal. Sites like Study.com have example tests and past CLEP papers that you can use to prepare yourself and make sure you’re ready to take the real test. A link to Study.com can be found here: https://study.com/ In addition to that perk, Study.com also has a tool that links you to free lessons in math, science, business, and the liberal arts, a link to which can be

found

here:

https://study.com/article_directory/Free_Online_Courses_and_Education.ht ml Duolingo

Duolingo is a free, gamified app that makes learning additional languages much easier than it otherwise would be. It doesn’t fully replace the normal process of learning a language (i.e. reading it in literature and speaking it among those who are fluent), but it’s still a great help as it helps break down the meaning of each word in a sentence, as well as how to pronounce them. Once you’ve learned enough to have an everyday conversation or discuss basic personal details, you’ll have the foundation needed to learn the language further through questions, sort of how you’d learn new words in English by asking (e.g. Something like, “Teacher, what does loquaciousness mean?” but in the language you’re learning). A link to Duolingo can be found here: https://www.duolingo.com/ Skillshare This online learning platform is great if you want to dig deeper into developing a lifestyle you’ll love (e.g. through cooking), if you want to learn more about business or marketing, or if you wish to master any number of creative fields like writing, film, or animation. Although you get the most out of it if you pay, Skillshare does offer a free trial that lasts two weeks as well as time-limited access to their classes thereafter. Skillshare is subscription-based, so if you do pay, you’re effectively paying for access to everything on their site, but it also all becomes time-limited again should you cancel your subscription. If you’re a highly active learner, this can easily save you huge amounts of money that you might otherwise be spending on more conventional forms of tuition. A link can be found here: https://www.skillshare.com/

Udemy & Coursera Udemy and Coursera are both alternatives to Skillshare in that all three are online learning platforms that offer courses on a wide variety of topics. Coursera offers free courses on the science of wellbeing, negotiation, and even self-learning for those who want to develop mental strength further, as well as topics like machine learning for the AI enthusiasts. Unlike Skillshare, however, Coursera and Udemy both require you to pay for each course you want to take. The good news of this is that you permanently retain full access to any course you pay for. Udemy courses tend to be provided by experienced professionals, while Coursera courses tend to be given through a wide variety of universities, including Yale. A link to Udemy can be found here: https://www.udemy.com/ And one to Coursera can be found here: https://www.coursera.org/courses? query=free Useful Websites for Help in Mental Training The following websites aren’t learning platforms per se, but they’re highly informative and often showcase the thoughts and opinions of medical professionals. All of them deal with mental health in some way, and are great go-to places if you ever wish to Google a question to a mental training challenge. Healthline Healthline covers a huge breadth of wellbeing-oriented topics, both physical and mental. Topics covered include nutrition, the best places to

find therapy (even for free), how to reduce stress, deal with various tricky situations and more. A link can be found here: https://www.healthline.com/ Positive Psychology You can technically use this site as an online learning platform, but the sheer volume of high-quality science-backed articles on how the mind works is what makes this stand out. If you’re passionate about mental training, the information in here could carry you extremely far and add a lot of depth to your knowledge without having to spend a dime. Go check it out through the link here: https://positivepsychology.com/whatis-positive-psychology-definition/ Psychology Today A psychology magazine with scores of free, helpful online articles with an emphasis on making psychological knowledge actionable for the general public. Its articles are largely written by mental health professionals. A

snazzy

link

to

their

site

can

be

found

here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ Mind Body Green This one isn’t wholly science, mixing in a lot of spirituality, but for some people that is just what is needed. Topics include mindfulness, health, exercise, sex, and social good.

Though you may feel the need to take some articles with a pinch of salt (i.e. cross-check with similar articles on the above sites), its mindfulness and science-based articles are still treasures to be enjoyed. You can see if it gels with you here: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/

Conclusion And that’s a wrap! It’s been a long journey, but it’s one that you’re now prepared to continue for the rest of your life. Continue to use this book as a tool in your mental training toolbox, and come back to it for reminders when needed but, as with all forms of practice and learning, don’t make the mistake of sticking to this one resource, doing nothing but reading it over and over. Cherish the connections you make, especially those that help connect you to your passions, and those that help you pull yourself out of your darker moments. Keep up your habit of reading on this topic, whether it’s through more books, or through one of your useful resources. Never limit yourself to the ideas of one person, or even one group of people, but always make your gratitude known towards those whose ideas have helped you most. You have all you need to make mental toughness an area of unconscious competence, but true mastery will only come with continued practice. So, continue practicing self-care. Even on bad days. Especially on bad days. Continue as best you can.

Keep spending time with yourself the way you’d spend it with a friend. Allow your self-knowledge to deepen, and allow yourself to extend this love to those closest to you in life so that even those you’re connected with can find it easier to become more resilient themselves, should they wish to. Sleep consistently, fill your papers with the thoughts that matter most, and draw comparisons between your new knowledge and your old, finding connections to solidify your neural pathways and keep enhancing your memory. Don’t be afraid to keep life fresh and interesting for yourself, even when it means going outside your comfort zone. With all you now know, you don’t need to fear pushing yourself too far the way you may have used to. Enjoy the quiet. Enjoy the loud. There’s a time and place for everything. Let yourself continue building goals and routines that capture everything that matters to you the most. Regardless of how you may have begun, the world of mental toughness is open to you. Use it to build the life you want. Just don’t forget to keep using it to discover and affirm what you want first. After all, as your mind continues to grow, your wants and desires may well transform. Perhaps, on some days, your resilience will feel shaken and you won’t know what you want at all. Either way, you now have almost everything you could want to help you bounce back and realign with yourself. No matter how many times you may

have fallen, or how many times you might fall in the future, keep letting yourself bounce. It’s not about how we go down. It’s about how we get back up again. If you have any helpful criticism for this book, please let me know! Should you have enjoyed the read, however, I’d appreciate a positive review; it not only helps me out, but it’ll also make it easier for the people who still need this book to find it.

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