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WISHYOUWEREHERE
*®eeseseonwnesceseeweeewseseeeeeeeeseeeeeee
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The Official Biography of
“Thisamusing,sad, and
heartfelt lookat[Adams's] life
isa truegift.”—New York Post
NIZ K W-E‘B B
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LESH
YOU
Were
Here
THEOFFICIALBIOGRAPHY OF DOUGLAS ADAMS
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& BALLANTINE Ld
BOOKS e NEW YORK
2006 DelReyBooks Trade Paperback Edition Copyright ©2003 byNick Webb Allrightsreserved. animprintofTheRandomHouse intheUnitedStatesbyDelReyBooks, Published PublishingGroup,a divisionof RandomHouse,Inc.,NewYork.
ofRandom isatrademark andtheDelReycolophon trademark DetReyisa registered
House,Inc.
a divisionofHodder BookPublishing, FirstpublishedinGreatBritainbyHeadline Headline,London,in 2003.
Books, byBallantine States intheUnited inhardcover published Subsequently of a division Group, Publishing H ouse ofTheRandom animprint RandomHouse,Inc.,in2004.
LibraryofCongress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Webb,Nick Adams/ NickWebb.-1st ofDouglas biography Wishyouwerehere: theofficial
American ed.
p. cm. in 2005. BookPublishing FirstpublishedinGreatBritainbyHeadline Includesbibliographical references andindex. ISBN0-345-4765 1-4
century—Biography. English-20th 2. Novelists, 1952-2001. Douglas, 1.Adams, 3. Ecologists—Great Britain-Biography. I. Title. PR6051.D3352Z95 2005 2004062729 823'914—dc22 Printedin the UnitedStatesof America
www.delreybooks.com S247
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TextdesignbySusanTurner
ForSusan
SYSTEM LIBRARY ARKANSAS CENTRAL BRANCH JACKSONVILLE ARKANSAS JACKSONVILLE,
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ix
Introduction
xi
Prologue NotfromGuildford
eCconvTrenTYTS> ste AfterAll
21
Two Finishing School THREE St.John’s,Smokers, FOUR FIVE
S1X SEVEN
NetworksandFriends 57 TheSeedyFlats 79 TheOriginoftheSpecies 101
Making It
127
Hearingthe Music
147 169
EIGHT WhooshingBy NINE
TEN
Hippodust, Filmsand theTellySaga OnLove
187 217
ELEVEN MoreBooks,Moneyand
a SenseofPlace TWELVELastChanceto See
235 261
THIRTEENTheDigital Village
279
FOURTEENTurtlesAlltheWayDown 311 APPENDIXONE Twenty-fiveYearsOn 323 APPENDIXTWO Chronology ofthe Major
Works
327
FullCreditsforthe RadioSeries APPENDIXFOUR Douglas’s Favourite
APPENDIX THREE
Beatles’ TracksinOrder ofPreference
INDEX
331
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I wouldparticularly liketo thankJaneBelsonforherhelpandbig-hearted
agreement to letmehaveaccessto Douglas's papers. Janeandtheother members ofthefamily werepatientwithmyclumsy questions whenthey werestillshockedwithgrief.JanetThrift,Douglas's mother,wasbravetoface a biographersosoonafterherson'sdeathandalsodeservesspecialthanks. In the diaspora of the Adamsand Thriftfamilies,Sue,Heather,Jane,James,
Rosemary andKarena weregenerous withtheirtimeandinvaluable insights inwhatmusthavebeentryingcircumstances. Shirley Adams, fromanother branchofthefamily, gavemethebenefit ofherscholarly researches intothe familytree.TheThriftsandAdamses area remarkable lot. EdVictor, MaggiePhillipsandSophieHicksattheEdVictorAgencywere unfailingly helpful.PanBookswaskindenoughto letmelookthroughits
archives—my special thankstoJacqui Graham forarranging it.Manyothers contributed interviews, orhelpwithresearch, including WillAdams, Mary NickBooth,Trevor Allen,SophieAstin,NickAustin,PeterBennett-Jones, Bounford, SimonBrett,JonathanBrock,Dr.MarkBryant,MargoBuchanan, MaggieCrystal, RichardCurMichaelBywater, JonCanter, MarkCarwardine, tis,BrianDavies, Professor RichardDawkins, SallyEmerson, DonEpstein, Ken
Follett, Susan Freestone, Jacqui Graham, Yoz Grahame, Peter Guzzardi, Bruce Harris, Richard Harris, Terry Jones, Michael Leapman, JohnLloyd, JimLynn, AndrewMarshall,SimonMaster,ReverendIan Mackenzie,DebbieMcInnes, Sonny Mehta, Isabel Molina,MichaelNesmith,ChrisOgle,Rickand Heidi Paxton, GeoffreyPerkins,Christophe Reisner,David Renwick,G.R.Roche,
Kanwal Sharma, MartinSmith, Robbie Stamp andCaroline Upcher. Published sources thatwereveryusefulwereNeilGaiman’s Don't Panic
andM.J.Simpson’s Hitchhiker's Guide. Theyareessentialreadingfortheserious buff;I haveacknowledged themwherevertheyweretheprincipalsourceof
information. The Best ofDays?, acollection ofmemories fromBrentwood School andexpertly published bytheschoolitself, gaveaninsiders’ flavour oflife there.TheGreatest Sci-Fi Movies Never Made byDavidHughes isgrimly fascinating.NeilRichards’s Starship Titanic Guide isinvaluablefornavigating through
x ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
thegameandunderstanding thethoughtprocesses behindit.From Fringe to Flying Circus byRogerWilmutisa lotoffunandhelpedtoputtheCambridge Footlights phenomenonintoperspective. Mythanksto PunchCartoonLibraryforpermission toreproducetheCrumcartoonabouthippos.
Douglas himself gaveinnumerable interviews, andalargeproportion of themcanstillbefoundontheInternet. Therearemanywebsites, including theofficial one,onwhichinformation ispostedbyfansandthenmaintained andupdatedout ofsheerenthusiasm. TheWorldWideWebis a veryrich sourcefora researcher, butitissodiversethatitisonlypossibleto acknowledgeit inthebroadestterms.
Finally Iamgrateful toSusan Webbforherhelpintranscribing theinterviewsandforherexpertediting. Theerrorsthatremainareentirely mine.
ACOMMENDABLY BRIEF ney RODUuUCTIEON, BUTYOU MAY SKIPIT IFYOU LIKE
ontemporarybiographyis the Area51 of the literaryworld. There'sa lot of circumstantialevidencethat it exists,but very few
get to visit.Therestof us wonderwhatthe hellis goingon behindthe
perimeter fence. Biography setinthepastislessmysterious. Disappearing fromsight,the writertunnelsthrougha mountainofresearch—emerging, dazzledby the light,yearslaterwitha book.Ifthiscontainssomeentertaining history,sixteenpagesofattractivepictures,an argumentaboutthesubjectthatcanbe
supported—perhaps withalittlecasuistry—from thedocumentation, andit doesn'tcostmorethan$24.95 ($35.00 ifit’sawhoppen), thebookisacceptable. Boswell saidthatwritinghisbiographyofDrJohnsonwasa presumptuousexercise, Itisindeedanoddideathatyoucansqueezesomeone's lifebetweenthe coversofa book.Writingaboutsomebodyofthe momentwho
diedsuddenly, andfartooyoung, istrickier still.Therearemanypeopleover whosefeelings theauthorcanclodhop, andtheywillallhaveadifferent view ofthepersonfromtheoneoffered. Someofthoseviewswillappearnotto
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refertothesamepersonatall.Thebiographer willhavetorelylessonhistoricalrecords andmoreonpeople's fallible memories. (“Hmm,” theysay,“it was1982—no, I tella lie,‘84—oh, theeightiesanyway...”)Thewholetruth thatthecourtroom witnesssorecklessly undertakes todeliverisa notionthat
shouldbemelted downforscrapanddeleted fromlegalprocedure forthwith. Thewholetruthisunknowable—it canonlybelivedandnotdescribed. InthecaseofDouglas Adams thedifficulty iscompounded. Firstofallhe wasimmensely cleverandgavesuchgoodinterviews thathewasinconstant demand.Everytimeyouthinkyou'vehadan insightintotheman,it turns outthathehaditfirst—and expressed itwithmorewitthananybiographer couldmuster,thoughin the processhe turnedsuchrevelations intosuspi-
ciously polished artefacts. Tocomplicate matters further, hewaswildlyexuberant abouthisinter-
ests.DespitebeingthefinestcomicauthorsinceWodehouse, thisenthusiasm didnot embracewriting(whichhe didreluctantly, andwithenormousan-
guish). Anybiography alsohastodealwiththefactthathewasanenormouslyprescientand creativethinker,and muchofwhathe thoughtwas
neverlocated onpaper. Douglas's passionswerelifelong; theyresistanyattempttotidytheminto phases.Whywouldhestoplovingmusicbecausehediscovered AppleMacs, forinstance?Besides, as Kierkegaard said,lifeis livedforwardsbut under-
stoodbackwards—thereby, inmyview, imposing asubtlebutmisleading formalism uponamessy business. Wehumanbeingsarerarelyasconsistent as characters infictionfromwhomweexpecta purposeful direction seldom achievedinreallife. With a straightchronology the word“meanwhile” wouldsoonbecome
tiresome. Douglas wasnot conventional. Thisbookabandons a strictly chronological structure infavour ofilluminating aspects ofabrilliant, engagingandcomplex man.Youwilljudgewhether thisworks. Myhopeisthatat leastthebookwillbegoodcompany—like themanhimself.
SH
YOU Werke
Heke
“Atowelisaboutthemostmassively usefulthingany interstellar hitchhiker cancarry.Foronethingit has greatpractical value—you canwrapitaround youfor
warmth onthecoldmoons ofJaglan Beta, sunbathe on itonthemarblebeachesofSantraginus Five,huddie beneath itforprotection fromtheArcturan Megagnats
PrR@O
OCG
a
asyousleepbeneath thestarsofKakrafoon, useitto saila miniraft downtheslowheavyriverMoth, wetit foruseinhandtohandcombat, wrapitaroundyour headto avoidthegazeofthe ravenous Bugbiatter BeastofTraal(which issucha mind-bogglingly stupid animalitassumesthatifyoucan’tseeit,itcan’tsee you),andevendryyourself offwithitifitstillseems cleanenough.” THe NARRATOR, FIT THE SEVENTH, TheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy
ee
nthetimeoftheRevolution, sothestorygoes,whentheTerror wasat
ss itsheight,a Frenchcount,suitablydisguised byscruffiness, madea run forthecoastin orderto escapeto England. Hewasa culturedman,a flower of the Enlightenment,rational,charmingand educated.
Justa fewkilometres shortofBoulogne andsafety, hestopped toresthis horsesandhavea mealatahandyauberge. Even200yearsagotheroadside snackwastreatedwithGallic seriousness.
Aftera certainamountoflargeFrenchsmalltalk,thewaitergotdownto business. Thedialoguewentsomething likethis:
“Dis donc, citizen. Whatwouldyouliketoeat?Wecanofferbread,some amusing cheese paysanne, andfresheggs.” “Thank you,citizen.Theeggssoundgood.Perhapsanomelette?” “Ofcourse,citizen. Andhowmanyeggswouldyoulikeinyouromelette?” Now,sincebirththearistocrat’s familyhademployed a teamofpeopleto
lookafterhiseveryneed.Anticipating a hintofnasaldrip,a servant would appearwitha finelinenhandkerchief beforethewell-bred noseneeded
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PROLOGUE
blowing. Thenumberofeggsthatnormallywentintoanomelettewasnota
factwithwhichthearistocratic mindhadeverhadtoburdenitself. “Um.Douze,thank you,”he said.
“Douze? Douze?” saidthe waiter,aquiverwithrevolutionary suspicion. “Andwhat is it you do, citizen,may I ask?”
Doubtless thecountdidtheFrench equivalent ofdropping hisaitches as helaboured tosoundlikea rough-hewn sonoftoil:“I’ma carpenter, innit, citizen,meoldmate.” Butit wastoolate.Thewaiterhadclockedthe refinedaccent,andone look at the count’ssofthands,never sulliedby manual work,gavethe lie to
the carpentry story.Nipping backintothekitchen, thewaiterreappeared shortly withthechef,anenormous manequipped witha cleaver—a small preview ofthingstocome. Transported backtoParis,thecountwasswiftlyeee Perhapsdeathisalwaysabsurd. DouglasAdamswasa comicgeniusandcreativethinker,a highlycom-
plexman.Hisdeath,attheageofforty-nine, on11May2001inPlatinum Fitness,a privategymnasium in SantaBarbara, wasalmostas daft,andreally
muchsadder, thanthatofthecomte. Heandhisfamily hadmovedfromLondon toSouthern California two
yearsbeforeandhadsettledin SantaBarbara,or,moreprecisely, Montecito, a verdantvillageofHeinleinesque gatedenclavesandhugehouseslooking
likeescapees fromthesetofDallas. Douglas needed tobe“ontheCoast”—not somuch a location asastateofmindhavingnothing todowiththeseaside but everything to dowithHollywood. Finally, afterseveraldecadesoffalse startsanduncertainflirtations, it lookedasifthefilmofTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy* wasgoingtohappen. Douglas loveditthere.Hiswife,JaneBelson, enjoyedittoothoughshedid
sufferintermittent boutsofwhatlong-term prisoners callgatefever. Theaffluent, cosmetically adjusted locals withthoseteeththatonlyAmericans and peopleintelevision seemto manage,thePotemkin supermarkets withtheir rowsofshinytechnicolor fruit(tastingofnothing),andthe endlessdaysof dappledsunshineallcontrivedto givethe placea certainunrealityin her * “Hitchhiker's” iswritten inavariety ofwaysevenbyDouglas's publishers. Scholars inmillennia tocomemayreadsignificance intotheoccasional sighting ofahyphen andthepitiable singularityofthehitchhiker. Toappeasemypublishers, | shallendeavour toremainconsistent.
PROLOGUE5
mind.“Sometimes it couldbe a bitStepford Wives,” sheobserved. ButJanewas happythatDouglaswashappy,andshehadputherowncareerasa barris-
teronholdbecause shecouldseehowmuchherhusband wanted themovie tohappen. Theywerebothdelighted thattheiradored youngdaughter, Polly Rocket Adams, tooktoCalifornia withjoyfulexuberance. In appearance,DouglasAdamswas likesomelarge,friendlymarine mammal.Inhisopinion,ElaineMorgan’s* ideathatevolutionhadtakenthe
hominids throughanaquatic phasehadmorevirtuethanconventional wisdomwasprepared tograntit.Douglas neverclaimed thathisliking forwater stemmed frommankind's deepevolutionary past,thoughhecertainly hadan
affinityforit.Exactly likethecaptainoftheB-ArkonGolgafrincham, hetook to hisbathwhenstressed,andhe regardedscubadivingas so pleasurable thatitwasboundtobeillegalsomewhere. Hewashuge,a smidgenover65”, left-handed, ratherill-coordinated, alittlectumsy. Hesometimes gavetheim-
pression offittingawkwardly intotheworld.Eyes: brown;eyelashes: enviable—as longasa giraffe’s; face:oftenlitwitha half-suppressed smile,forhe had a prodigioussenseof humourand foundthe worldfunnywhenit wasn'ttragic.Hehada habitoflookingintothemiddledistanceandsaying
“um” whenthinking. “Heroic” bestdescribes hisendowment inthenosedepartment; hisschnozzle wasamountain rangeofathing.’ Heonceobserved thatifheswamonhisbackinthesea,parallel toabeach,everyone would runscreaming outofthewater. Obviously, foodanddrinkwereputupontheEarthforhispleasure.He
wasextravagant withchampagne. Hehadaparticular weakness forJapanese restaurants, but hislifelong affairwithallrestaurants wasdisgracefully promiscuous. Hewasnotputoffevenbythepretentious oneswhereevery
mouthfulis a week’swages.Notsurprisingly, he wasproneto puttingon weightandhehadbeenhitbylate-onsetdiabetes,knownas“TypeTwo”in
theUSA whichboastssomeofthemostenormous bipedsontheplanet(and wherethisformofdiabetes hasbecome almostepidemic). Douglas himself hadbeenasheavyas19stone(266lbs)buthehadalways succeeded inlosinganyexcess. Thediabeteswasnotacuteandsoondisappeared, butin1999 * Elaine Morgan, TheAquatic ApeHypothesis (Souvenir Press,1997). T Inanarticle forEsquire magazine, reprinted inTheSalmon ofDoubt (Macmillan, 2002), Douglas notesofhisnosethatseveral speleologists hadbeenupit,butthosewhohadnotreturned becamepartoftheproblem.
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PROLOGUE
hewentonaroundofmedical checks—for helovedhospitals anddoctors— anddiscovered thathehaddeveloped highbloodpressure. Hehadreached thatagewhenmenusedtorudehealthalltheirlivesbecomeuncomfortably awarethattheirbodiescannotdowhattheydidattwenty. Aninfamous writingblockhadpersistedalldecade,thoughhehadfound
myriadinteresting alternatives; tosayhefailedtowriteislikesayingthat Columbus failedtofindIndia.Nevertheless, themissed deadlines—not quite anindustryrecord,butimpressive—were a sourceofanxiety,andoccasionallydespair, thathadweigheduponhimwithoutremission. Douglas’s Internetand computergamebusinessventurehad alsorun
intothesand.Alloverthelandscape therehadsounded thethunderofgiant wallets beingslammed shutbymeninsuits.Historians ofthefuturewilllook backonthelasttwodecades ofthetwentieth century withfascination and bewilderment. Wasitsomething we’deaten?Enormously cannyandprudent investorsusedtheirelbowsastheyranto thefrontofthe queueclutching thickwadsoftheirownand,moreusually,otherpeople’smoneyina head-
longrushtofinance telecom anddotcom companies. Manyoftheseboasted business propositions thatdepended onmarkets andtechnologies thatwere yettobecalledintoexistence. TheFinancial Times estimates thatthisglobalfinancialbubblewasted$1trillionofrealcashinridiculous investments* Youmaythink:well,tough.Allthoseacquisitive youngmenin theCity
withstripyshirtsandspottyties(tosaynothingofthosetechies whocould havebeenspeaking Inuitforallthesensetheymade)—who caresiftheylost apacket? Afterall,theInternet revolution threwupbusiness ventures with-
outnumber—some brilliant,somefatheredbyhopeandgreed.Presumably the oneswithrealmeritsurvivedwhilethe crowdsofdodgyonesmelted
away. Butthetruthisthatmanyofthosefailed businesses werenotnonsense; someweregenuinely visionary andinventive. Douglas's venture, originally called TheDigital Village, wasyearsaheadofitstime. Butbuildingabusinessishardtodowithinthetimelimitsdemandedby
yourfree-range western venture capitalist. Suchcreatures haveanicyspreadsheet where their hearts should be, and their expectationsfor the return of
somewholenumbermultiple oftheinitialinvestment rarelyextend beyond threeyears.Aslongasthesharepriceswererising, thisshort-term myopia * “Glorious HopesonaTrillionDollar Scrapheap” byDanRoberts, Financial Times, 5 September
2001,citedinWill Hutton’s brilliant bookTheWorld We’re In(Little, Brown, 2002).
PROLOGUE 7
didnotmatter, butastechnology stocksrampedupfromoptimistic valua-_ tionstodownright sillyones,eventually theovervaluation oftechstocks becameunsustainable. Whenthe hightideof moneyretreatedandleft thousandsof enterprisesflappingabouton the beachlikedyingfish,the goodsuffocated alongwiththebad.Douglas's enterprisewasnotspared. Duringtheseyearstoo,the filmofTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy was
something thatDouglas passionately wantedtobemade.Fornearlya quarterofacentury theproject hadincheditswayfitfully througha contractual mazeandadevelopment hellsocapricious thatevenjadedHollywood insiderssmotetheirforeheadsandsighed.Manytimesit hadcometo withinan angstromortwoofgreenlighting before,triumphantly, it foundtherightdi-
rector and a workablebudget.All seemedwell at last,but then, in 2000,it
foundered again. Douglas hadmadelotsofmoney. A richauthorispaidincash;hiswealth isnottiedup intheequityofsomebusiness, thevalueofwhich,asfinancial advisorssometimes forgettopointout,canfallaswellasplummet.Awriter's assetsarebuiltinandenviablyportable:talentandfingers.ButDouglaswas
neverasrichaspeople imagined. Hewasself-indulgent andhedonistic—and extravagantly generous bothtoindividuals andhisfavourite goodcauses. TheconceptofTreatwasseldomfarfromhisthoughts,andhe appliedit to othersaswellas self.Moneywasforpleasure.Histalentformakingit was morethanmatchedbyhisgeniusforspendingit. Forallhiswarmthandhumour,Douglas wassometimes hardtolivewith,
atraitoftensharedwithverycreative people. Inmanywayshewasanemotionally fragile yetprecociously brilliant child. Children canoscillate between joyandgloomwithmercurial rapidity, andanyonewhohasspenttimelooking afterthemknowsthat nature,forsoundDarwinianreasons,has pro-
grammed thelittleso-and-sos withacertain egotism. Douglas wasromantic, warm,funny, exuberantly enthusiastic andpossessed ofa quiteexceptional brain;healsohadhisdemons, andcouldbedepressed, self-absorbed, sulky
anddifficult. But,despitealltheproblems, by2001thingswerelookingup.Admittedly, thefilmwasstillintheHorseLatitudes anddrifting, butitwasatleastafloat.
Douglas, whonowhad a personal trainer, wasbeingconscientious aboutgettinghimself fit.Physically heappeared tobeinbettershapethanhehad beenforyears.Theweightwasmeltingaway.Thediabeteshad gone.The marriage, thathadhaditsturbulentmoments, washappy.HeandJane(who
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in theirhouseholdwasinvariablythe standardbearerforpracticalintelligence)hadrecentlyboughta beautifulhouse,redolentofruralEnglandinits charm,which wona local prize for the excellenceof its presentation.They
foundit muchmoresympathetic thantheirrentedmansion whereatany moment oneexpected asoapoperastarwithbighairandanimprobable suit toappear. Alsotheyhadmadesomegoodfriends inChrisandVeronica Ogle, a localAustralian couple. Pollywashappytheretoo.Shewastallforherage,earnest,prettyandbe-
spectacled. Theoutdoors lifesuitedher,shelovedridingandhadalsomade friendswiththeOgleboys,particularly theseven-year-old Joshua. Tom, Chris’s youngest boywhowasthenfive,wasveryfondofDouglas and missedhima lotwhenhedied.“Hehadgreatfarts,” hesaid,andindeed Douglaswas capableof theodd duvet-billowing eructation.It always amusedhim;oneofthemostmemorable definitions inTheMeaning ofLiffwas
theAffcot—the sortoffartyouhopepeople willstilltalkaboutafter. Thefamilies wereclose. Chrisisintheclothing business andsuccessful in afieldfarremoved fromDouglas's own,something thatwasprobably good forDouglasasthemediaworldoperatesinanorgyofself-regard thatcanbecomeoppressive. DouglasandChrisotherwisehadmuchin common:their lovefortheirchildren,an enthusiasmborderingon the recklessforApple
Macs, Mercedes cars,andgoodfoodandwine.Theyevensported thesame
make offinebutobscure wrist watch (anUlysse Nardin).
In2000,thefamilieshadenjoyeda blissfulholidaytogetherinFiji.Doug-
las,a keen diver,had been so overjoyedwith the experiencethat he had to
callsomeoneto shareit.(Throughout hislifeifhefoundsomethingpleasur-
ablehewouldencourage otherstotryit.)Hewasthrilled tolearnthathis state-of-the-art cellphonewouldworkthere,sohestoodclutching hishightechgizmointhigh-deep waterina coveonatiny island, andrangSophie Astin,hisassistantinTheDigitalVillage. Witha certainedgetohervoice,she remindeda contriteDouglasthattheworldwasroundevenforhim.InLondonitwasdarkestnight;shehadbeenfastasleep.LaterDouglasdiscovered
thatthecoverage wassogoodbecause theywereonlytwentyminutes away fromCastaway Island whereTomHanks hadstarred inthemovie ofthesame name.Apparently, hehadarrangedfora localsatelliterelaytobeinstalledso he couldringhis agent.“Whata pity,”Douglassaidafterwards, withhis writer’smagpieinstinctforan anecdote, “thatTomHankshadnevermadea
PROLOGUE 9
roadmovieonthePacific CoastHighway.” Mobile coverage isnotoriously patchyalongthatroute. Aboveall,by2001thelongpausebetweenbookshadtoppedup Douglass creativebatteries.Writinghad alwaysbeen difficult,but now he had a
treasurestoreofnewideasandwasbucklingdowntothelong-awaited book
withextraordinary application. Douglas likedcars,and,following a disastrous young-man’s flirtation withPorsches, hedeveloped a fondness forsolidly engineered, luxurysaloonsliketheLexusorMercedes. Itamusedhimthattheycouldlooksorespectable, but deliveran unnecessary quantityofhorsepower ifthe driver werefeelingdaftenough.ThatfinalFriday,11May,he glideddownto the gyminhisMercedes 500asusual,inordertotakesomeexercise andreturn
homeingoodtimeforthearrival fromEngland ofhismother, Janet.Shewas alreadyintheair,ona BritishAirways 747. In the gym,Peter,his personaltrainer,put him through a routinethat had
beenespecially devisedforhim—twenty minuteson an aerobicstairma-
chinetobefollowed bystomach crunches. Ifyouhavetriedastairmachine, youwillknowthatprettysoonrivulets ofsweatrunlikemoltenleaddown yourback;thethighsseemonthepointofspontaneous combustion. Butalthoughtheregimenwashardwork,it wasnotdangerously excessive fora chapofDouglas's ageandgeneralstateofhealth.Heworea heartmonitor
andPeterwastheretokeepaneyeonhim. ItwasDouglas's habittostopbyafterhisexercise sessions attheOgles’ house,handilyjustoppositePlatinumFitness.They'dhavea coffee,boast abouttheirchildrenandshootthebreeze. ChrisOglerelishedDouglas’s appearances, lookingrighteously exercised,
athishome.Withtheanguished clarity ofretrospect hesuspects thatDouglasmayhavesuffered a minorheartattackshortly before11May.Afterhis session inthegymtheweekbeforehedied,Douglas hadasusualcalled by,
butinanuncharacteristically distressed state.Hewaspaleandverytired.He hadtoliedown,andhesleptforhourswhileChrisbusiedhimselfpreparing
fora business triptoSouthAfrica. Waking muchrevived, Douglas wasstill concerned abouta slighttingling inhisarm.However, hislocalhospital did sometestsandcouldnotdetectanything serious. Soitgoes,asKurtVonnegut,anauthormuchadmiredbyDouglas, soaptlyobserved. Soitgoes... Butthehealthscarethepreviousweekhadn'tputDouglasoffhisregime.
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Soonthisday,asusual,hehadfinishedwiththetortureofthestepmachine, andwasreadyforthestomachcrunches. Theverytermsoundsmediaeval.
Hitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy fanswillrecallthatDouglas attributed tothe humbletowela miraculous potential forreassurance andutility. “There’s a frood who reallyknowswhere his towelis,“ the Narratorobserveswith ad-
miration.Theroleofthetoweltracesitslineagebackto thesummerof1978 whenDouglasandvariouspalswereonholidayinCorfu.Douglaswassupposedtobewriting,buta certainamountofhedonismandfrolicking onthe
beachalsofeatured. Douglas's towel—he neededonethesizeofamarquee’s groundsheet—was forever goingmissing. Perhaps ithadsomehominginstinctforthesea,likea babyturtle.Finding it becamesynonymous with beinga reallytogether, coolkindofguy. Youmaybetouchedtolearnthat,feelingfaintfromtherigoursofthema-
chine, Douglas picked uphistowelfromPeterandclutched ittohimself beforelyingdownona bench.Inthesecircumstances specialists advisethat becoming horizontal maynotbeexpedient, butthepiercing clarity ofretrospecttakesno accountoftherealityofan enormous, sweatyman,probably feelinga littlewoozy,poisedtotopplelikeanuprootedtree. Helaydown.Peterglancedawayfora second.Whenhelookedbackhe
thought thatDouglas wasmessing about.Stillholding ontohistowel, hehad rolledquietly offthebench. Hehadfainted. Petercalled anambulance, which efficiently speeded Douglas offtohospital. Heneverregained consciousness. Hehadsuffereda catastrophic cardiacarrest.Astonishingly—nearly instantaneously asitturnedout,andmercifully withoutpain—his hugeheart
hadfailedhim.Janesaidhejuststopped, likeoneofhisbeloved computers crashing andfailing toreboot. Hewasdead.
“|refuse toprove that|exist,” s2ysGod, “forproof denies faith, andwithout faith| amnothing.” “But,” saysMan, “theBabel Fish isadeadgiveaway isn’t it?Itproves you exist,andsotherefore youdon’t. QED.” “Ohdear,” saysGod,“Ihadn’t thought ofthat,” andpromptly vanishes ina puffoflogic. “Oh,thatwaseasy,” saysMan,andforanencoreheproves thatblackiswhiteandgetskilled onthenextzebracrossing. * TheNarrator, FittheEighth, TheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy (Pan,1979).
PROLOGUE11 Mostleading theologians claimthisargument isa loadofdingo’s kidneys, butthat didn’t stopOolon Colluphid making asmallfortune whenheuseditasthecentral theme ofhisbestselling bookWell, ThatAbout Wraps ItUpForGod.
FitTHE First, TheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy
Itmayseemoddtostartwithanaccount ofDouglas Adams's worldview, but itunderpinnedmuchofwhathedid.Itisa key—not TheKey,assuchthings donotexistoutsideself-helppaperbacks—to howhethought.
Douglas published hisfirstpieceofcommercial writingwhenhewas twelve.It wasa fanletterto theEagle;* thesmashing—and quitehighminded—boys’ comic. Itwas1965, theyearChurchill diedandtheBeatles releasedRubber Soul.WilyHaroldWilsonwas LabourPrimeMinister.The Vietnamese Warhadstartedin earnestwitha massivebuild-upofAmerican troopsandtheheavybombingofNorthVietnam. Itwouldbe sixyearsbe-
foreInteldeveloped thefirstsilicon chip.Marijuana wasstilla gesture ofdefiance, notjusta recreational option, andlonghaironmenwasconsidered
bysometobea dangerousthreattothefabricofsociety. Itwasthesixties:in theWesta wholerangeofflukishlyfavourablecircumstances conspiredto producemassivesocialchangeandthemostspoiltgenerationinthehistory oftheworld.
Little ofthisupheaval reached Essex, however, whereDouglas attended a schoolthatwasproudofhavingcherished thesamevaluessince1558. His contribution to theboys’comicearnedhimtenshillings. Inthosedays,beforethedecimaldigitshadfingeredtheeccentric Britishcurrency, tenbob(as shillingswereknown)was50pin today’smoney.It wasan amountlarge
enough tohaveitsownprettybrownnote;withityoucouldbuytwenty6d (oldpennies) chocolate bars.Douglas's letter,characteristically playful, described a stateofhighanxiety, thesourceofwhich—after somesneaky au-
thorialmisdirection—turned outtobethearrivaloftheEagle itself. DanDarewastheEagle's mostfamouscreation.Anintrepidspacepilot
withafinelineinunflappability andcocked eyebrows, hisorigins layinthe fighter acesoftheSecond World War. Week byweekDanDare, andhiswellupholstered sidekick, Digby (whatisitaboutheroes thattheysooftenneeda * TheEagle (incorporating Boy's World), 23January 1965.Buffs might liketoknow thattheEagle alsopublished Douglas’s firstshortstory, acomic taleaboutamanlosing hismemory, on27 February 1965.
12
PROLOGUE
plumpgitasa foil?), wouldfightto savetheuniversefromtheevilattentions of the Treensand theirmastermind, the Mekon,a small,greenhominid
whosevastcranium wasswollen withmalevolent intelligence. TheMekon travelled byanti-gravity saucer—which wasjustaswellasit wasbyno meansclearwhetherhis spindlylimbswouldsupportthe weightof that enormoushead.Theartwork,by FrankHampson,was superband mint
copies ofthecomic areprized onthecollectors’ market. Years latertheMekon reappeared oddlyinDouglas's life,played byRickWakeman, thelegendary rockkeyboard player, whoperformed asthemalign alieninaproduction of TheHitchhiker's GuidetotheGalaxyat the Roundhouse,one of London'slargest
venuesforalternative theatre.
TheEagle firedtheimaginations ofa generation ofBritish youngsters. It wasn’t justDanDarewhoseadventures tookthereaders off-planet. Nearly everyweekinthecentreofthecomicwasa double-page spread,in full colour,ofa machinecutawayin threedimensions to revealitsinnerworkings.Thesewere artefactswith glamour: ocean liners,locomotives,record-
breakingcars,jet fightersand so on. Also,executedwith the same
matter-of-fact verisimilitude—as ifsuch things existed already—there wereinterplanetary shuttles, spacestationsandstarships. TheEagle justtookit for grantedthatsuchmarvelswerecoming,andsodiditsreaders.Theworlddid notstopatthecornershop,orevenattheedgeoftheatmosphere. Douglaslovedthatcomic.Hewasa boywholivedveryintenselyin his
ownhead.Attwelve hewasalready sixfeettall.Asanadolescent, andlater asa man,hedidnotfitcomfortably intotheworld.
Schools inthosedays—and itlingers onstill—were firmlyinthegripof the ideathat a profounddichotomyexistsbetweenArtand Science.The Britisheducational systempivotsaroundthatgreatdivide.Veryfewchildren
understand thata decision atthirteen todrop,say,physics isanexistential moment destined toaffect theirwholelives. Theirthinking ismorealongthe linesof,“Whatsubjectsdo I likethe mostor tyrannizemethe least?”From suchfactorsasthe scarinessofthe chemistryteacherareourfuturesdetermined. C.P.SnowfamouslylabelledthisgreatdividetheTwoCultures, andithas
alongandignoble history. Somecommentators attribute Britain’s decline as a worldpowertothetradition thatitsbestbrainslearned LatinandGreek witha viewtodoingsomething mandarin intheCivilService, ratherthan studyingtrade,technology orengineering.
PROLOGUE13 A culturedgent,the sentimentran,was a bundle of sensibility,sustained
in townbya distantestate,whocouldtalkfluentlyon anysubjectwithout doingit muchdamageor,Godforbid,givingoffence.Eventodayyou can meetBritsat dinnerpartieswho can—amusingly—say nothingallevening,
butwhonevertheless arequitesurethatyou'rea betterpersonifyouappreciatequattrocento painting andhavenocluehow a televisionfunctions. John
Brockman in theintroduction to hisbook,TheThird Culture, arguesthat such scientific illiterates arepitiablydisabledwhenit comestounderstanding how theworldworks.
Douglas waswelleducated, butcaught inthetraditional system. Thefork intheroadlabelled Artinonedirection andScience intheotherlaterstruck
him as absurd.Whynot go straighton?Butat thetimethesystemobliged himto chooseand,withhis loveof languageandhisfinelyattunedearfor therhythmofa sentence, it is notsurprising thathetooktheartsroute.
Butinanothertime,orundera lessrigideducational tradition, theriver thatcarried himofftoCambridge couldhaveswepthimintothegreatseaof science. Douglas stoodonthebridgebetween artandscience, waving madly
inbothdirections. Culturedandwell-readscientists abound,butartspeople whocandefinePlanck’s Constantarerarebeasts. In his lectures,he was wont to observethat, in order to understand the
humancondition andhowtheworldworked, inthenineteenth century you hadtoreadthegreatnovels ofthetime,butinthetwentieth century thepath
tothatkindofenlightenment camefromreadingscience. Douglashimselfexpressed itwellinhisresponsetoa questionabouthow hisreadinghabitshadchanged:*
I readmuchmoresciencethannovels.I thinkthe roleofthe novelhaschanged alittle bit.Inthenineteenth century, thenovel
waswhereyouwentto getyourseriousreflectionsand questioningsaboutlife.You'dgoto Tolstoyand Dostoyevsky. Nowadays, of
course,youknowthescientists actually tellusmuchmoreabout suchissuesthanyouwouldevergetfromnovelists. SoI thinkthat fortherealsolidredmeatofwhatI readIgoto science books,and readsomenovelsaslightrelief.
* From the1997Channel Fourdocumentary called Break theScience Barrier withRichard Dawkins.
14
PROLOGUE
Humanbeingsarebornwitha senseofwonder.Occasionally oneencounters
rightfromtheoff,butby actuaries tobetomorrow's kidswhoseemdestined a newsensation. discover they as glee w ith burble andlargeit’strue.Babies with correlates a saucepan thatbanging Howtheylaughwhentheydiscover onthepathto adulthoodtheworldbeabloodyawfulnoise.Butsomewhere comesfamiliarandfadestogrey.Isitroutinethatdoesusthemischief, orthe weagethelevel as Wediminish; wecallsophistication? cynicalknowingness
bowl. leaking in a slowly ofourworldgoesdownasif weweregoldfish passionately. thisshrinkage resisted withhiswildenthusiasms, Douglas, Hecontinued:
complexity andrichness Theworldisathingofutterinordinate meantheideathat I awesome. absolutely thatis andstrangeness butprobcanarisenotonlyoutofsuchsimplicity, suchcomplexity extraordinary isthemostfabulous, outofnothing, ablyabsolutely idea.Andonceyougetsomekindofinklingofhowthatmighthave happened—it’s justwonderful.AndI feel,youknow,that the op-
portunityto spendseventyor eightyyearsofyourlifein sucha universe istimewellspentasfarasI amconcerned.
the Douglasneverceasedto perceivetheworldin allits strangeness—and involume)themoremindmorehereadscience(andheinhaleditwholesale
theUniverse in Life, TheKrikkitmen it allappeared. improbable buggeringly* theirplanetmovedthrough hadneverseenthestarsbecause andEverything thattheywerealone— cloudofdust.Theywereconvinced animpenetrable if onlybecausetheycouldnot seeanyuniverseto observeoutsidethemselves.In this respecttheyhad a lot morejustification than we who are wonderandrefuseto lookup.Thenightskyisheartbreakingly Earth-bound
ifwelooktheotherway,down morebeautyandcomplexity ful,andthere’s suffera spasmofxenophobia theKrikkitmen thesizescaleUnfortunately, is thattheuniverse thatthereislifeelsewhere—indeed whentheydiscover * Buffs might beinterested toknow thatDouglas replaced thiswitty expression ofamazement withthemoreconventional “mind-bogglingly” intheNarrator’s account oftheBabel FishinFit eyeonthe anexpedient fromtheBBC, ifthiswaspressure doesnotrecord History theFirst. American market, orjustthethought thatsuchagraphic expression might distract. + Astarismuchsimpler than aleaf.
PROLOGUE15
teemingwiththefilthystuff.Theirmission, witha sardonicbackwards glance atthemuch-parodied openingwordsofStarTrek, isto seekit outanddestroy
it”Douglas's viewoftheKrikkitmen wouldbesimilar to hisviewofpeople whoresolutely decline tolearnwhatscience cantellusabouttheuniverse we . inhabit. Of life,the universeand everything,it’slife that’ssuch an extraordinary
predicamentof matter.Asfar as we can tell,it's hugelyoutnumberedby
inanimate material. Einstein saidthatthegreatest mystery oftheuniverse is thatwecancomprehend it.Westruggle todescribe howunlikely itisthat someminuteconfiguration ofstuffona speckofrockrevolving aroundan
undistinguished G-typestar(inwhatDouglascalledtheunfashionable westem spiralarm of the galaxy)shouldhavestirredintolife.Forthat stuffto evolvefurtherto theextentthatitbecamesentientisamazing.Thefactthat
wehumanbeings havecompelling theoretical reasons tobelieve thatwecan makeobservations, anddrawconclusions, thatarerelevant tothewholecos-
mosis improbableto suchan extentthat languagecanscarcelyaccommodateit.Douglas wentthroughlifeshakinghisheadat thesheerimplausibility thatsomeorganicmoleculecouldself-organize intoa stableformofslightly
higherorder, andeventually—via a process ofgreatbeautybutentirely withoutexternal purpose—turn intocreatures as disparate asyou,thereader, the possessor ofthemostcomplex thingweyetknowofintheuniverse (the
three-poundlumpofhumanbrain),and,say,a sulphur-metabolizing worm at a submarinevolcanicvent.Whatis more,thejourneytooklessthanfour
billion' years. Theprocess bywhichthishappened iscalled evolutionary biology. Itwas oneofDouglas's intense enthusiasms andintegral to hisviewoftheworld.
Jokesaboutevolutionaboundin allDouglas’s books.TheVogonsarethe onlycreatureswhodecideto do withoutit (‘Evolution,” theythought.“Who needsit?”), becausetheyrectifytheirgrosseranatomical inconveniences sur-
gically.” Remember theHaggunenons ofVicissitus Three,whosechromo-
* Thisnotion thatalienlifeforms arenotbenign is,ofcourse, common inalotofSFandgoesback toH.G. Wells’s WaroftheWorlds. tT Thereisnowsomecontroversy aboutwhetherancientmicrofossils arereallyindicative oflife.
Lifemaybemuchyounger thantheusualc.3.8billion yearestimate. See“Proof ofLife,” New Scientist, 22February 2003. coTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy, p.43.
16
PROLOGUE
times several evolved thattheyquitefrequently somesweresoimpatient spoontheywould overlunchsothatiftheywereunableto reacha coffee fromtheearly Orthecavemen a rms?* withlonger mutateintosomething Thinkofhis by a bunchoftelephonesanitizers? Earthwhowereoutevolved contentionthatcomingdownfromthetreeswasa bigmistake,or thatour
troubles beganinearnest whenweemerged fromthesea. the Intellectually himfromhisschooldays. had fascinated Evolution
pump had long been primedfor his friendshipwith ProfessorRichard Dawkins. Itwasa truemeetingofmindswhentheygottogetherin 1990.At onepoint,Douglashadevencontemplated takinga maturestudent'sdegree
activities). displacement (itwouldhavebeenoneofhisworthier inzoology withan generalist scientific wasaninspired him:Douglas dissuaded Richard narepetitive grindingly sometimes forthe fartooeffervescent imagination
tureofscientific procedure. Hisbroadperspective wouldnotbewellserved bythetightfocusofa singlediscipline. ThenotionofGodhad appealedto Douglaswhenhe wasa schoolboy.
tousbycultureandtradition—to Godis,afterall,thesolution—transmitted in hadworked mind.Douglas thattroubleanenquiring thosebigquestions imreligious h is But thechoir. o utin hisheart andsung chapel theschool pulsewasreallya searchformeaning—and thatisbynomeansthesoleprerogativeofthoseimmersedintheorganized religions. Indeed,bythetimehe
was a student,the institutionalanswersto the questionof meaninghad be-
ofthescaleoftheuniinkling Onceyouhavethedimmest comeirrelevant. beingmadeinHisimage) verse,theideathata hugeoneofus(wehumans createditallinordertoplaceusinitbecomespreposterous. Douglaslosthis faith,he said,at the ageofeighteen,when he heard a streetevangelistand re-
alizedthatwhatwasbeingsaidmadeabsolutelyno senseat all.Thegreat to Mechanics onCelestial dedicatedhis Treatise Laplace, Frenchmathematician,
that butthenaddedthathewassurprised saidBonaparte, “Merci,” Napoleon. Laplace hadmadenomention ofGod.“Sire,” Laplace issupposed tohave replied(onlyinFrench), “IfoundIhadnoneedtoavailmyselfofthathypothesis.”
withhis heagreed Indeed, either. hadnoneedforthehypothesis Douglas
hadsuchan influence Gene, whosebook,TheSelfish friend,RichardDawkins,
sentimental whenhereadit yearslater,thatthereissomething onDouglas * TheNarrator, FittheSixth,TheHitchhiker's GuidetotheGalaxy.
PROLOGUE17
andself-deceiving aboutanynotionthatputsmancentrestage. “Space,” after all,“isbig.Really big.Youjustwon'tbelieve howvastly, hugely, mindbogglingly bigit is.1mean,youmaythinkitisa longwaydowntothechemist,
butthat’sjustpeanutsto space.” Douglaswasa radicalatheist,"and quiteunequivocalaboutusingthe
term.Ifsomeone hadsuggested thathetakePascal’s betandrecantonhis deathbed tobeonthesafeside,hewouldhaverejected suchanindignity” He reallydidmean“atheist” andnotagnostic. Themorehelearned, thestronger
hisatheismbecame—but thiswasnothingas crudeasreplacingoneparadigmwithanother.
addressed toatheists isthattheirviewof Oneoftheslanders frequently
theworldis mechanistic andreductive—a long,coldchainofmaterially de-
termined consequences witheachironlinkofcauseandeffect stretching back
isthereroomfor to theBigBang.Whereinthisaccount,arguethebelievers, spiritorfreewill?ButDouglas thoughtthatimputingsucha positiontoatheistswasabsurd’Themoreyouknowabouthowtheworldworks,themore
astonishingly wonderful itbecomes. Hiswayoflooking atthingsisinfectious. blockoflaminated Forinstance,youarereadinga book,a rectangular probablygrownina Scandinavian monowoodpulp.Somehugevegetable, culturewhereno birdssing,hasbeenharvestedsothatitsfibrecanbechem-
icallyandmechanically treatedto makepaper.Oil-based pigment hasbeen squeezed ontothepaperbymachines. Theresulting blackmarksareintendedto conveyinformation usingan invention,language,socreativethat it cangeneratesentenceslikethisonewhichhasprobablyneverbeenwritWithluckyouwillstillfindit intellitenbeforeinthe historyofthespecies. gible.Ifthewood-pulptreewerestillstanding,you'dwantto leanagainstit.
Intermsofquantum physics, youandthebookaremostlyemptyspace tinynucleisurrounded bycloudsofelectrons consisting ofinfinitesimally
* TheNarrator, FittheSecond,TheHitchhiker's GuidetotheGalaxy.
T Interview withtheAmerican Atheists collected inTheSalmon ofDoubt. coPascal's bet,thereader willrecall, wasthepusillanimous notion thatbeing wrong aboutthenonexistence ofGodcarried suchapotential downside thatonemight aswellplaysafeonthe deathbed andrecantone’satheism. Inthecircumstances, itwould bea minor concession when setagainst apossible eternity ofextreme discomfort. § Inebriated conversation inFrederick’s restaurantinIslington.
18
PROLOGUE
whizzingroundin(relative tothenucleus)hugelydistantandultimately unknowableorbitalcloudsthatnevertheless canonlypossessdiscretevalues. The nuclei contain still smallercomponents,and their numbers determine
in yourbodywere elements whatyou'remadeof.Allbuttheverylightest intotheuniverse heartsofstarsandblasted inthethermonuclear synthesized byexplosion. You're atthebottomofthegravity wellofaplanetthatismovingatnineteenmilesa secondarounditssolarcentralheatingunitthatisone starofabouta hundredbillioninthelocalsystem.Gravityis—bymillionsof ordersofmagnitude—the weakestofallthebindingforcesofthecosmos, but
itweighs heavily onyoubecause you'resotinycompared tothemassofour planet. What'smore,you'relivinginathinenvelope ofdangerously reactive gases.Youdon'tgivethisa moment'sthoughtbecause,ofcourse,youknow allthisisnormal.Douglasdidn’t* ButDouglaswasnotwide-eyedaboutscience. Hewouldnotbelieveany
oldtoshbecause itmadefora frisson-inducing yarn.Asagoodpositivist he onthebasisof a proposition tobelieve thoughtthatyouhadtobeentitled
properevidence. Inmanyinterviews hewasaskedwhathewouldhavedone if he hadn't been a writer,a job at which he excelledbut for which he was
temperamentally oneoftheleastwell-suited peopleonEarth.Hisusualan-
swerwassoftware engineer/designer, ablendofscience andtechnology that marries upextreme carewithwildcreativity. Douglas hadnotimeforsoggy science ofthe“WasGoda chair-leg?/Aliens madethepyramids” variety. RatherlikehisbelovedBach,whosemusicconveysemotionwhileadhering tostrictmusicalforms,Douglas believedthattheappealofsciencewasallthe
greater ifitweremethodologically rigorous, careful anddifficult. Inhisopinion: Revolutionary changesto acceptedmodelsquite oftencome fromoutsidethe orthodoxyof any givendiscipline,but if a new ideais to prevailit has to be bettersupportedin argument,logic and evidencethan the oldview,not worse.“Feel-good” scienceis notscienceat all.ScienceFictionisa greatterritoryinwhichto play withthekindofperspectiveshiftsthatleadto newdiscoveries and * Douglas’s riffontheselineswasquotedmovingly byProfessor Dawkins atthememorial service
atSt.Martin-in-the-Fields, 17September 2001.
PROLOGUE19
newrealizations. Butimagination temperedwithlogicandreasonis muchmorepowerfulthanimaginationalone*
Douglas Adams had agift formaking uslookagainattheworldandseehow strangeit reallyis.Youremember thosequizzes incomics andmagazines
whensomethingisdrawnfroman oddangleor photographed fromanunusualperspective? Thecirclewitha thinbarprojecting diametrically fromeithersidethatturnsouttobeabicycling Mexican wearinga bighatseenfrom
above? Douglas's writing pullsa similar trick. Thereoughttobea unitofpleasure todescribe thatmoment when ajoke
ora suddeninsightmakesyouseesomething clearlyinawayyouhadnever thoughtofbefore.In Douglas's honoursuchmomentsshouldbe calibrated in Adamses, usingtheS.I.system.Femto-adamses fortinybutamusingsur-
prises, rightuptoTera-adamses forsickening lurches inworldview.Hisabilityto standsideways onto theworld,andthink“that’s bloodypeculiar’ informs allhiswriting. Heurgedustothinkdifferently, to takeoureyesout
fora walk. Ofcourse,veryfewliveupthereinthestratosphere ofhumanthoughtall the time.Astronomers,their minds on the transcendent,live in torment in
casea rivalteampublishes in therightscholarly journalfirst.It’scomfortinglyhuman.Ourmindsmayencompass infinite space, butwestillworry about status,sexand the milkbill.
DouglasAdamsdidenjoyan intenseinnerlifeof the mind—while he wasn'tthrowingpartiesand goingto restaurants,that is.Buthis senseof
wonderneverlefthim.
* Preface toDigging Holes inPopular Culture—Archaeology andScience Fiction, edited byMike Russell (Oxbow Books, 2002).
“Themainproblem which themedical profession inthe mostadvanced sectorsofthegalaxy hadtotackleafter
Cures hadbeen found forallthemajor diseases, andinONE
stantrepairsystems hadbeeninvented forallphysical injuries anddisablements exceptsomeofthemoreadvanced formsofdeath,wasthatofemployment.
nor
ror
“Planets fullofbronzed healthy clean-limbed in-
CuUumImLpDp C0RD
dividuals merrily prancing through theirlivesmeant
efrTer
thattheonlydoctors stillinbusiness werethepsychiatrists,simply becausenoonehaddiscovered a cure
a
eB
fortheuniverse asawhole—or rathertheonethatdid
exist hadbeenabolished bythemedical doctors.” THe NARRATOR, FIT THE ELEVENTH, TheHitchhiker's Guideto theGalaxy
ea
&
t was half a centuryand a world away.In Britain,the 1950swere not
famouslycolourful. Iftheninetieswerea decadewheneverything had
inverted commas aroundit,thefifties werelikesitting throughThe Mousetrap overandoveragaininsomechurch hallwithrock-hard seats. Youwouldsay “asjoyousasthefifties” aboutasoftenasyou'dremark thatsomething was asdrollasa Bergmanseason. 7 Internationally, EvaPeron,“themotherofArgentina,” diedin 1952.Great
swathes ofAfrica werestillunderEuropean colonial rule.TheKorean War endedin1953havingcostalmostthreemillion lives.President Eisenhower wasintheWhiteHouse(twice), whileAmericans gotricherandtheircars,al-
readythe sizeof cathedrals, becamelargerand finnierwitheverypassing year.
British society wasoneofthosebottlesoffizzthatfeelashardasteak untilthetopisunscrewed andthepressure released. Dr.Jonathan Miller, the director, writerandpolymath, thinksthatinmanywaysthefifties werea so-
cialextensionofthethirtieswithhabitsofdeference thatdidnotchangeuntil
22
WISHYOUWEREHERE
inthesubruled,especially gentility a decadelater*Acertainstrangulated
justintime urbswhosesprawlhadbeencontainedby“greenbelt”legislation a linefromtheWashto Cardito preventthewholeofsouthernBritainbelow
ganBayfrombecoming ahousing estate. wasgrainyandblack Television forthewell-off. wasonly Carownership 625),andit wasbyno andwhite(405linestothescreenandnottoday’s
werehuge brownboxescontaining meansuniversal.Thesetsthemselves valvesthattooka minutetowarmup andstoredenergylongenoughfora strangewhitedottofadeslowlyfromthescreenwhenthepowerwasturned
off. in screens TVshadhanky-sized dimensions, theirroom-crushing Despite w eretwo There placed. be could magnifiers frontofwhichfree-standing
channels,andon theBBCcontinuitygapswerefilledwithfootageofa potter’shandsshaping a clayvase.Spiffingchapsin dinnerjacketsor county withvoices womenin eveningdresswouldannouncethenextprogramme
ofcrystal-etching upper-class Oxbridge English. uglyhaircuts, macintoshes, Thefiftieswerea timeof dampgabardine brufashionable of buildings f ood, stodgy clothes, uncomfortable hideously talityinspiredby scaled-uppacketsof cornflakes, and suffocating disapJim proval.tBeneaththe surfaceall was churning.KingsleyAmis’sLucky
andJohnOsborne withrandygleein1954,” thephoneymoralizing pierced Buton (1956). Anger in Back Look allin ofit hypocrisy thestultifying excoriated prevailed. respectability andparalysing anoppressive thesurface
In Cambridgein early1951,JanetDonovanmet Christopher Douglas Adams,whowastwenty-four atthetime.JanetwasanurseatAddenbrookes, hospital.Shewasratherpretty,thenas nowa pragthefamousCambridge
a stabeing Despite manner. no-nonsense witha sympathetic, maticwoman ifyour all, After nottobesoppy. t end nurses pleofMillsandBoonromances, publicandits withtheillandcantankerous ofdealing dailyroutineconsists
leakyorifices, soppiness couldnotsurviveforlong.Itwasanunlikelyliaison, butJanetwassweptoffherfeetbythe fascinating Christopher Adams.They 24July2002). Four, Radio On(BBC Years onFifty withSueLawley * Interview ofcouncil intheirblock withtheneighbours intotrouble hismumgetting remembers + Theauthor flatsbecausesheputoutthewashingona Sunday. coAnunreliable informant reportsthatthecondomsofthetimewereliketheRussiangaloshki
willy.” onone’s bottle ahot-water era.Hesaysitwas“likewearing oftheSoviet (gumboots)
NOTFROMGUILDFORD AFTERALL 23
quicklymarried(inWisbech), and on 11March1952Janetgavebirth to
Douglas NoélAdams, aninfanthominid whoseunusualintelligence would notbemanifest forquiteawhile.Indeed, hewasa markedly latedeveloper inallbutsize,beinga whopper evenasa baby.Douglas's firstnamehasa
certaindynasticinevitability. Lateroneofhisstockjokeswasthathe(initials DNA) arrivedinCambridge ninemonthsbeforeJ.D.WatsonandFrancisCrick workedoutthedoublehelixstructureofdeoxyribonucleic acid*
Whensomebody asextraordinary asDouglas Adams appears, there'sa temptation toregardhimassomekindofhappyfluke,ratherinthesame
waythat towniesimaginethat meatneverrunsabouta fieldbut popsinto beingin sterilepacksin hugesupermarketrefrigerators. Butin bothcases thereisa longlineofantecedents.
Doctoring wasthefamily business, andit stretched backtothelateeighteenthcentury. Infourgenerations therewereelevenmaleDr.Adamses and onewomansurgeon. It wasa Scottish dynasty oftall,clevermen,andone
that combinedconsiderable talentwitha strongsenseofobligationto the publicgood.Interestingly, quitea fewof thoseAdamsesalsowrotebooks,
somewereinspired teachers andlecturers andnearlyallofthem—perhaps all,buttherecords areincomplete—seem tohavehadanappetite and agift forpublicspeaking.* Thegreat,greatgrand-daddyofthemallwasAlexander Maxwell Adams (1792-1860), whograduatedfromEdinburgh University andthenpractisedin
thatcityinArgyle Square, nowthesiteoftheMuseum ofScience andArts. Heleftthreesonswhoalsobecame doctors. Hisgreat-grandson, alsoAlexanderMaxwell Adams, authorofafamily history published infourpartsbythe
Hamilton Advertiser in 1922,describedhim—somewhat obscurelyquoting
* Quoted inTheSalmon ofDoubt. Thereisajokethat,despite theefforts oftheeditorial staff,will notdieintheNewScientist magazine. It’sso-called “Nominal Determinism” whereby someone called Henrietta Bunn, forinstance, iscondemned tobecome acakemixchemist. Douglas, given hispassion forevolutionary biology, thought hisinitials funny, though entirely lacking anyother significance. T [amindebted toShirley Adams, thegranddaughter ofDouglas’s great-grandfather’s sister, for herresearch intothefamily tree.Thishasmanyrootsandbranches, somehugeandothers tragically truncated, andit’ssomething | willnotattempt todescribe. What withinfant mortality, marriagebetween distant cousins, andagedisparities itlooks asifsomeone quitedisturbed had triedtodrawtheTubemapfrommemory. Itscompilation isatrulyimpressive andscholarly undertaking.
24
WISHYOUWEREHERE:
Hewasa popularman, a manwho“tooktimebytheforelock.” Thales*—as whodida lotofunpaidworkforthepoorerfolkofEdinburgh. Thiswaswhatsavedhimonedayin 1828aftera mobmistookhimforDr.
Knox,the famousanatomistof Surgeons’Hall,who had been innocentlyim-
thatBurkeand Youwillremember intheBurkeandHaremurders. plicated whorobbedthegravesoftherebody-snatchers Harewerethenotorious to corpses andnoquestions, ondelivery cash supply, t o inorder centlydead
the localmedicalschool.(Youmaywonderhow muchimportantmedical knowledge washardwoninsuchiffycircumstances.) onein whichunsurpriswasa lucrativebusiness—and Body-snatching
muchsothatBurke good,freshmaterial—so favoured inglytheanatomists callthesupplyside, whattheeconomists toregulate andHareweretempted death, Theyanticipated fornaturetotakeitscourse. waiting bynotactually to theextentofmurderingsomeoftherootlesspeopleintheirownlodging house.Dr.RobertKnoxhadhissuspicions arousedwhenhesawthebodyof “DaftJamie”in the dissectingroom,and raisedthe alarm.
Themob,reofa bogeyman. something this,thedoctorbecame Despite forKnox, him mistook Adams, Dr. hishouse,spotted turningfromdespoiling
anddecidedto stringhimupfromoneofthelargebracketsusedtosuspend oillamps,thentheonlymeansofstreetlighting.Dr Adams’s expostulations wereinvain,theropewasaroundhisneck;it lookedverybleak.A century
with matters, wastodescribe (thefourth) Adams Maxwell later,Dr.Alexander Sudposition.” as“anunpromising thatmarksa manofscience, thatcaution
denlyoneofthe crowdshoutedout:“What!Wouldye hangthe lang[tall] doctoro’thesouth?”Dr.Adams'spracticewassouthoftheNor‘loch. Dr.Adamssurvivedthisflirtationwiththe grimreaperto liveon as a
intextbooks, Hewastheauthorofseveral doctor. Edinburgh well-respected novel, a and poetry, bad pretty some Complaints, onFemale ATreatise cluding Gamoshka, orMemoirs oftheGoodwin Family. However, hewasbestknownfor Sketches fromtheLifeofaPhysician basedonhisexperiences asa GeneralPractitioner.It’sengagingly written,fullofhistorically interestingdetailandsuf-
as viewed menandwomenit isrightly Formedical fusedwithdryhumour. aminorclassic. * ThalesofMiletus, pre-Socratic philosopher andcosmologist highlyratedbyAristotle. Theymust havebeena Cultured lot,thosedoctors .. .
NOTFROMGUILDFORD AFTERALL 25 Hissons,Dr.Adams,Dr.Adamsand Dr.Adams,were all highlyregarded.
WilliamDavidhada distinguished careerin Edinburgh. Alexander Maxwell
(thesecond ofthatname) became Professor atPortland Street School ofMedicineattheAndersonian University, Glasgow, andthenpractised inLanark
wherehewentonto becometheProvostofLanark, a jobpeculiartoScotland that,asheadofa municipalauthorityorburgh,carriesa lotofresponsibility. JamesMaxwellAdams(1817-1899), the middleson,alsotook the road to
Glasgow wherehebuiltupa largepractice inmedicine, withaddedtoxicologyandengineering* Heinvented theAdamsInhalerforRespiratory Diseases, notonlymoreefficient thantheprevious modelbutmuchcheaper to
manufacture. Hecomposedmanyinnovativescientific paperson suchsubjectsasheatingbygas.(British citieswereblackwithsootfromcoalfiresat
thetime.)In 1865hissubtleforensic work,whichinvolved devising from scratch a lethality experiment withrabbitsanda control group,contributed totheconviction ofDr.Edward Pritchard, whowasaccused ofpoisoning not onlyhismother-in-law butalsohiswife. Thecreepy Dr.Pritchard hastheun-
usualdistinction ofbeingthelastmantobe hangedin Glasgow inpublic. Jameswasalsoa writerwhoselivelymindwasmanifestin the eclectic
rangeofhispublications. Sanitary Aspects oftheSewage Question wasnotoneof hismostcommercial titles, buthealsowroteaboutcruelty inliontaming, arsinepoisoning, andthenutritional andchemical properties ofwine.Whatis it,he wondered— interalia—thatmakesthenosegoa mottledcerisethatbetraystheimbibernomatterhowexcruciatingly tiptoeinghisdiction?
James waslovedbyhispatients. In1879, hewasashareholder intheBank ofGlasgow whenit failed. Rather likea Lloyd’s Namehehadunlimited liability, butin contrast tomanyLloyd's Names hepaidupwithoutcavilling
eventhoughhehadtosellhishouseintheprocess. Astonishingly, agroupof hisfriendsandpatientsclubbedtogetherandboughthishousebackforhim, presentinghimwiththedeedsin a finesilvercasket.t
Totellthetalesofallthemedical Adamses wouldtaketoolong.Suffice it tosaythatwhenDouglas Kinchin Adams (1891-1967), Douglas's grandfather * Thisinformation derives from a talkgiven byJohnLenihan toa meeting oftheScottish Society oftheHistory ofMedicine.
T Onceagain|amgrateful toShirley Adams forthisinformation andthesightoftheactualsilver boxcontaining thedeedstoJames’s houseinGlasgow.
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WISHYOUWEREHERE
thetradoctorofthemall,camealongin1891, themostbrilliant andpossibly ditionofmedicine andpublicdutywasalready firmlyestablished. DouglasKinchinAdams,MB,ChB,MA,BSc,MD,FRCP,was another tall
manofferociousintelligence. “Kinchin” isunusualevenin Scotland; it was hismother’smaidenname.DouglasK.Adamsplungedintomedicinewith
degrees andSurgery ofMedicine HetookhisBachelor passion. intellectual PatholSurgery, inMidwifery, FirstClassCertificates winning withhonours, ogyandMedical Jurisprudence. Thenhe swiftly gothisdoctorate. While studyingforhis medicaland surgicalqualifications, he thoughthe’dalso studyforanMAanda BSc,bothofwhichhe acquiredwithdistinction. He
hereInparticular medicine. andpractical inresearch hisability alsoproved of result a andas unassailable, was illness thatneurological fusedtoaccept hethrewagreatdealoflightupona groupof investigations hispainstaking
nervousdiseasescalledGenerically Disseminated Scleroses (whichinclude multiplesclerosis). HisMDthesisonthesubjectwonhimtherarelyawarded Bellahouston goldmedal.
backto the feltthattheyshouldgivesomething always TheAdamses beinga doctorand Despite wasno exception. Kinchin world,andDouglas thusa member ofa reserve profession able—indeed encouraged—not togo to war,he joinedthe Navy,in whichhe held a commissionas a MedicalOf-
ficerfrom1914to 1918,servingin the “X”Cruisersquadron,thenon the
he Twice coast,andfinallyona battlecruiser. theBelgian blockading flotilla Kinchin withlittleharm.BythetimeDouglas butescaped wastorpedoed, thanmost in morelivingandmorelearning he’dpacked wastwenty-eight, ofusmanageina lifetime.
Afterthewarhe returnedto Glasgow, wherehismedicalcareerwastouched
oncemoreby grace.Medicallecturesarenotoriously dull,beinglargelyof
butwithmoreLatin. variety, the hip-bone-is-connected-to-the-thigh-bone weresocoruscatingly however, ofGlasgow, attheUniversity lectures Kinchin’s brilliantthat they attractedstudentsand academicsfromotherdisciplines,pre-
figuringhisgrandson's immensetalentforpublicspeakingingeneralandthe giftofmakingcomplex ideasaccessible inparticular. Foryears,Douglas Kinchin
whereheestabinGlasgow Infirmary totheWestern Physician wasConsulting over extensively thatstretched practice anda consultancy lisheda reputation western Scotland. Family legend hasitthathelosthislifesavings inthecrash of1929andthesubsequent Depression, butwealthwasnotthatimportantto him.Findingouthowthingsworkedwaswhatmotivated him.
NOTFROMGUILDFORD AFTERALL 27
Thesamecouldnotbe saidofhisson,Christopher. Theneedformoney— notthatheeverhadanyofhisown—and thethingsit couldbuyranthrough
hislifelikemoltenlava. ThePhilipLarkin School ofDevelopmental Psychology (‘They fuckyou up,yourmumanddad/They maynotmeanto,buttheydo”)embodies a certainmelancholy truth.That'swhyeverybody knowsthoselines.Larkin goes
onto saythattheparentshadbeenfuckedup in theirturn.Youmaythink thatthisis a sad,almostbiblicalaccountof damage,likea rugbyballbeing
passeddownthescrumofgenerations. Thesinsofthefathers visitedupon thechildren, andsoonforever. Onecanonlytakecomfort fromthefactthat inmanyfamilies thechainofgriefisbroken. WecannotknownowwhatmadeChristopher turn outashe did.Partly fromloyalty, andperhapsbecauseit’sstilltoopainful,Janetwillnotspeakof him at all.“Controlling, difficult, overwhelming, sulky,clever,charming, and
complex” aretheadjectives mostcommonly applied toChristopher bythose whoknewhim.Douglas's ownrelationship withhisdadwasoneofhisinner demons thathauntedhimallhislife.
ItcannothavebeeneasyforChristopher to havehada supermanfora father,especially withthesuffocating weightoftraditionmappingoutthepath forthe menin the family.If you cannotbeartheburdenof sucha mythic
mantle, youmighttakeanego-bashing whichtransmutes overtheyearsinto selfishness andsourness. Sonsoffamous fathers areknowntohavea tough timeofit.Oftentheygrowintoperfectly pleasant andwell-balanced adults,
but someare neverableto comeout fromtheir dad’sshadow.Thinkof WilliamBurroughs’s sonstrivingto be evenmoredepravedthanPa(atall
orderanda fatalaspiration), orofEvelyn Waugh’s remarkaboutWinston Churchill's son,Randolph. Whentoldthathehadundergone anoperation fortheremoval ofa smallgrowth thatturnedouttobeharmless, Waugh re-
marked:“Howtypicalof medicalscienceto findtheonlypartof Randolph thatisnotmalignant, andremoveit.” Possibly DouglasKinchinwassobusythathe didnothaveenoughtime leftoverforhischildren,butthereis noevidenceofthisin thefolkloreofthe
family. Besides, Christopher, impressed, perhapsoppressed, bythefamily’s longline ofbrilliantand altruisticdoctors,was strong-willedand determined
to go hisownway.PossiblyDouglasKinchinmadehispaternaldisappointmentwithhissonapparent,somethingthatcouldhavea wretchedeffecton a child,butdetailsofChristopher's childhoodareobscure. Itisknownthathe
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hadan intensefallingoutwithhiseldersister,Pauline,forreasonsnowlost
had marriage Kinchin’s thatDouglas inthefogoftime.Ithasbeensuggested b etween sides hadbeenforcedto take andthatthechildren itsproblems, itwentverydeep.Even oftheschism, thesource Whatever motherandfather.
whenChristopher wasin hisfortiesandlivingcloseto Paulinein Eardiston, nearBirmingham, theyhadscarcelyanycontact.
to settleto buthefoundit difficult washighlyintelligent, Christopher a degree h ehadjustfinished hemetJanet A t thetime f orlong. anything courseat St.John’s,Cambridge (wherehe hadbeenfrom1949to 1951), and forreasonsthatremainobscurelycomplexhe hadembarkedupona course ofdivinityatRidleyCollege, theschooloftheologyinCambridge. Hehadno
withitasaninstitution, verydissatisfied andbecame forthechurch, vocation cuextreme toshare—an hissonwasdestined yethedidhave—something records totheworld.St.John’s therewasanypurpose aboutwhether riosity suggestthat he was ordained,but the JohnianOfficethere admitsthat their
documentation coveringthat periodis incomplete. Thereis no recordin
noranywhere beingordained, ofChristopher Directory Clerical Crockford’s thatChristopher says Roche, G.R. friend, Christopher's matter. elseforthat tothepossibility titleormadeanyreference neverusedanykindofclerical theymet whentheywereboth doing of beingordained,but interestingly communityworkforthe charityTocH,an organization startedin the First WorldWarthathasChristian valuesatitsheart.
thesocial fancied thatChristopher Someofthefamilyhavespeculated inthosedays.In enjoyed thata churchman tomeddle statusandthelicence asabalreligion touse p repared those been therehavealways society British
conyfromwhichtolookdownontherestofthepopulation. Theremayhave beensomething inthatnotion,butitseemsonlyrighttogiveChristopher the impulseseemsto havebeen benefitofthedoubt.Onesourceofhisreligious
Ian friend,theReverend Hislifelong restiveness. a muchdeeperspiritual and intense anextraordinarily describes ofsomecelebrity, a cleric Mackenzie, distinguished andthe C hristopher thathe, experience religious hallucinatory physicist, ClaudeDouglasCurling* underwentin the mid-fifties. Theywere on a retreatto thefamousreligiouscommunityonthe Hebrideanislandof
TheexperiLondon. College, inKing’s areavailable diedin1993,buthisarchives Curling * (Claude of nature bytheontological fascinated andhebecame himdeeply enceseemstohaveaffected quantumreality.
NOTFROMGUILDFORD AFTERALL 29
Ionathatwasfounded bySt.Columba andrevived inthetwentieth century byGeorgeMacLeod, thecharismatic preacher. ClaudeCurlingwastherelecturingaboutphysicsandtheperilsofnuclearenergy.Ianwasin hissecond yeartherevisitingtheAbbey,andChristopher hadbeensecondedasa part-
timehelper(wearing hisprobation officer hat)tokeepa pastoral eyeonthe manyyoungvolunteers whowereontheislandhelping withtherebuilding work. Theexperience theyunderwentonIonawastoocomplextobeencapsulatedin a fewparagraphshere—even if I understoodit fully.It deservesa
booktoitself, andI amgrateful toIanMackenzie fortakingsuchtroubleto recallit,placeitincontext anddescribe socarefully whataspects ofitcanbe described. Itseemstohaveinvolved whata materialist wouldcalla shared hallucination and othersa mysticalvision.Ian Mackenzie saysthat what ClaudeCurlingandChristopher Adamsenduredwassointenseandstrange
thatafterwards Christopher founditimpossible totalkorwriteaboutit in prose,andinsteadwroteanepicpoemintheheroicmodeinhiseffortto convey something ofwhatitwasabout.Ianhimself saysthathisrolewasthat oftherationalman,thebearerofthecoolintellectoftheChurchofScotland, whokeptthemallgroundedandsane.He'salwayswondered—unnecessarily,surely—if he mighthavesomehowheldbacktheothertwofromsome greatermystery.
Unfortunately, Christopher Adams's poemislost.Although theReverend saysitwastheologically unsound,thegistseemstohaveconcerneda fusion betweenmysticism andscienceandtheeternalbattlebetweengoodandevil. Theconflictbetweenreasonand mysteryis age-old;somecommentators
havefoundroomfortheineffable inthehorribly counter-intuitive ambiguitiesofquantum physics andthepredominant roleoftheobserver insystems ontheatomic scale. (Thelatteriswidely misunderstood tojustify allkindsof
wide-eyednonsense.It is subtleenoughto deservebetter.In the everyday
worldofclassical physics, theoneweinhabit, observation isstillthecornerstoneofscience.) Ofcourse, Douglas wasjustaninfantwhenhisfatherunderwent this shattering experience, butReverend Mackenzie recalls thatChristopher was
justburstingwithit,andcouldtalkaboutlittleelse:
Hetalkedaboutit forbreakfast,lunchandtea.Christopherhad
a personality almosttoobigforhisbody(andthatwasenormous).
30
WISHYOUWEREHERE
Hewasnot a manto keepquietaboutinterestingthingsthathap-
penedtohim. Itisnotdifficult toimagine Christopher booming awayabouthisrelationship withGodwhileDouglaswasstilla sprat,andit ispossiblethatChristopher and DouglasdiscussedJonawhenDouglaswasmoreof an ageto understand.Initsveryabstraction itwouldhavebeena safertopicthananyemo-
tionally closertohome,butwecanneverknowforsure.Douglas hadlittle timeformysticism, buthewasfascinated bytheproblem ofhowthecomplexity oftheworldcouldhaveemerged without theneedforanIntelligent Designer. Thelinkwithhisfather’smysticalexperience maynotbe asdirect astheirhavinga conversation, ofcourse.It’shardto seethattherecouldbe a Mysticism Gene(whereisthereproductive orsurvivaladvantage?), butitis
lesstrickytoseethatdeepcuriosity mayhaveahereditary component. Ofcourse,ecstasyis farremovedfromacademictheology.Nonetheless thisaspecttoomayhaveappealedto anotherfacetofChristopher's character,a kindofphilosophical jokiness—something latermanifested ina hugely stylishformin Douglas. Divinitymustbe theonlysubjectinwhichyoucan
notonlyfail,butcommit heresy. (‘I'msorry,Simkins, following yourviva we'vedecided to burnyouat thestake...”) Thereisalmosta crosswordpuzzlinglinguistic playfulness to thesubject.ThinkofAnselmdefiningGod intobeingby startingoffwitha definition(thegreatestpossibleobjectof thought)and showinghow the existenceof the deitymust follow.Ifit didn't,
youwouldfacealogical contradiction; foryoucouldimagine abeingwithall thesupreme attributes, butifitlacked thatofexistence itwouldnotbethe greatestpossibleobjectof thought—andthus be inconsistentwith the “agreed” definition* Christopher, cleverandcomplex, enjoyedthenicenessof suchargument;healsocaredaboutpreciseusage.Witha pedanticfriend,he
formed theAmateur Syntax Clubintowhichhismanychildren andstepchildrenwerepress-ganged. Hewasneverslowtocorrect anyone's grammar— including Douglas’s. Christopher wasa restivespirit.Tothe extentthat theologyentailsa searchnotjustforGodbut formeaning,thistraitwasoneofthe manyhe
passedontoDouglas. Certainly at6’4”hewastheoriginofhisson’sprodi* Thisisacrudesimplification ofAnselm’s Ontological Argument, adodgy trickforsmuggling God intoexistencebylinguistic sleightofhand.
NOT FROM GUILDFORDAFTER ALL 31
gioussize.Greatheightwasmoreunusual then*Christopher hadalongface, amplenose,highforeheadandthick,black-rimmed specs.Hewasbeardedin
a waythatgavehima wicked, piratical look.Hewasn'tparticularly handsome,andhe hada shorttemperandcouldbe appallingly rude,yethisaggressionand vitalitymade him nonethelessattractive.His friend,the Reverend,describeshim as lookinglikethe actorJamesRobertsonJustice,es-
pecially astheirascible medical consultant intheseriesofBritish films, based onbooksbyRichard Gordon, thatstarted withDoctor intheHouse. Christopher couldalsobe charmingand sociable,and his evidentwillingness to take chargemusthavebeenappealingto a womanifshewerefeelingvulnerable orinsecure.
Healsohada hugeappetite forluxury—whatever hisfinancial circumstances—and regarded thegoodthingsinlifeashisbyright.Hewasanexcellent cook,though a firmbeliever inthemaxim thatwhoever cooksdoes
notdotheclearingup afterwards. Helikedsmartrestaurants, richfoodand finewine—andthishighlivingmayhavebeena factorin hisearlydeath
fromlivercancerattheageoffifty-seven. Oftenamusing incompany, but moremorose inprivate, hewascapable ofintense andtenaciously sustained sulking ifhedidnotgethisownway.Sue,hisfirstdaughter, reports that“Dad couldsulkforEngland.” YearslaterDouglas's sister,Jane,usedthesameexpressionaboutDouglas. SusanAdams,Douglas'ssister,wasborn threeyearsafterDouglas,in
March1955, ata timewhenherparents’ marriage wasalready undergreat strain.Sueisapleasant, intuitive woman whohashadhershareofsadness; sheisfiercely protective ofhermother. BythetimeDouglaswasfive,hisparents’marriagehadfallenapart.The familywasquitehardup.Janet,asthepracticalone,routinelyfacedchoices thatmostofus,thankGod,donothavetoconsidertoday.Foodorshoes?Our
generation isseldomputtothistest,andwecanscarcely imagine theunremitting preoccupation withmaking endsmeet.It’sthedrip,drip,dripofthe Chinesewatertorturewitheachlittleincrementofanxiety—not hugein itself—adding to the agony.Christopherwasindifferentto suchtrivia.He
wouldorderhisexpensive pipetobacco mixture fromDunhill because he * Demographically we'veallgotten bigger—especially theJapanese. Even intheWestyouneed onlylookattheseating inoldtheatres orbuses.Shops forlargepeople nowsellsneakers like snowshoes andunderpants onwhichyoucouldshowiMaxmovies.
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WISHYOUWEREHERE
likedit—anditwasthekindofstylisheccentricity thatmarkeda gentleman. Damnit,itwashisdue.Janetmusthavebeenintorment.Eventually theirrelationshipdeteriorated tosuchanextentthatshewasunableto enduremat-
tersanylonger. Feeling thatsomething neededtobedonetobringhometo Christopher theseverity ofthecrisis, shewalked out,takingthetwochildren. SoJanet,withDouglas(five)andSue(two),movedinwithJanet’smotherand fatherin their house in Brentwood,Essex,the dark interiorof whichhad not
beenchangedsinceitsEdwardian construction. Hermother,GrandmamaDonovan,wasborn in 1900and livedto be
nearlyninety-two. Shewasa womanwitha goodheart,butshewasnot overly interested inthechildren anditmusthavebeen a strainhaving them inthathouse. SheandJanetsometimes argued aboutwhether Janetindulged
themtoomuch.GrannyDonovanlovedmankindintheabstractwhilenurturinga healthyanimustowardspeopleinparticular. Inmanywaysshepreferredanimalstohumanbeings,andherhouseinBrentwood wasanofficial
RSPCA refugeforhurtanimals andthedistressed petsofgentlefolk. Rather likePoe'sRaven, foryearsthehousehold hada pigeon thatlivedabovethe kitchendresser—‘Pidge,” theycalledit—whosatwithbroody,bird-brained patienceforevertryingto hatcha chinaegg.Allthescruffyanimalsexacer-
batedyoungDouglas’s hayfever andasthma. Hisnosedripped foryears.It wasn'tuntilhewasinhisthirties thathediscovered howfascinating animals couldbeandevenstarted tolikethem. GrandpaDonovanwasbed-boundandill,an invisiblepresencepervadingthehousehold. DouglasandSuescarcely sawhim.SueAdamsrecallsthat,
untilhedied,hisbedroom doorwasalways closed attheendofadarkcorridor.Itwasforbidden territory. Janethadtoearnmoney, andshecontinued asanurseinthelocalhospital,mainlyworkingthenightshiftinordertoseemoreofthechildrenduringthe day.Sheisstrong,but shemusthavebeenfightingofftirednessfor
years. Douglas recalled veryfewmemories oflivingwithhisgranny, butashe said: It’samazingthedegreetowhichchildrentreattheirownlivesas normal. But of course,it was difficult.My parents divorcedwhen it
wasn'tremotelyas commonas it is now,and to be honestI have
NOTFROMGUILDFORD AFTERALL 33
scantmemoryof anythingbeforeI wasfive.I don’tthinkit wasa greattime,onewayor another™ It’strue,ofcourse,thatchildrenhaveno wayofknowingwhatis“normal”
and,besides, it'sawordthatismoreusefulforstatistics thanfordescribing
humanrelations.Onlywhenkidsvisittheirfriends’homesor,withverysequesteredupbringings, at college,do theyfindoutthatwhatis familiarto
themmaybeunusual intheworldatlarge. It'shardtojudgetheeffectontheyoungDouglas's imagination ofthis gloomy housefullofdamaged animals andaslowly dyinggrandfather. He wasalready alittle withdrawn.Thefamilylegendisthathe didnot speak at alluntilhe wasfour.Sincethiswaswhenhis motherand fatherwere stilltogether,perhapsin somewayhefeltthetensionbetweenthem.Janet
scoffs atthisstoryofhissilence, sayingthatheexaggerated ittomakean amusing anecdote, butshewasconcerned enoughtotakehimtoFarnboroughHospital foran examination. Unsurprisingly, in viewofDouglas's later brilliance,the doctor was reassuring.
Janetdoesrecallhisfirstwordswhichwereutteredin the presenceof
someaugustCanonona visitto the theological college. “Da...da... da...ma...”WasitgoingtobeDadorMa,blesshim?Thensuddenly itcame out:“Damn, damn,damn”Laterhisinfantburbling wasevenracierashewas givento saying“Bugger, bugger,bugger.” JamesThrift,hearingthisstory,remarkedthattherewasnodoubtwhoDouglas’s motherwasthen. Inductively speaking, thenumberofpolymathsistoosmalltogeneralize
about,thoughthereissomeresearch thatsuggests aconnection between late blooming andcreativity. Einstein, forexample, wassaidnottohavespoken untilunusuallylate,and somecommentators thinkthat hisslowprogress contributed to hisgeniusforhewasstillaskingthosefundamental childlike questionsabouthowthingsworkat anagewhenmostofushaveceasedto
wonder. ThegreatVictorian sage,LordMacaulay, wasalsoreported tobea slowdeveloper, remaining obstinately silentuntilanaristocratic friend, enquiring aftertheinfant's recentcold,wassurprised tohear alittle voicepipe up:“Thankyou,madam,theagonyisabated.” Suchcorrelations areprobabilistic atbest.Forinstance, beingleft-handed, * Quoted inthePrologue byNicholas Wroe inTheSalmon ofDoubt.
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WISHYOUWEREHERE
likeDouglas, isalsoafactorthatisassociated withagreater numberofwriters,musicians, mathematicians andsporting prodigies thanpopulation distribution wouldpredict* Sinistrality alsotouches upontheissueoftheextent towhichwehumansarebio-robots, withgrosscharacteristics determined by geneticinheritance, orfreeagentscapableofrationalchoice.Thisimmensely
complicated question fascinated Douglas inlaterlife. Backintheearly1950s inRidley College, itbecame obvious bothtothe teachingstaffandto Christopher thathe wasnotsuitedforthe clericallife. Theypartedcompanywithoutrancour,andChristopher tookupteachinglocally.Butthiswasa callingforwhichhisenergy,sarcasmandimpatience dis-
qualified himtemperamentally, andeventually hefounda betterroleasa probation officer. Someofhisfamily havespeculated thatitgaveadegree of authority overhiserrantclients thatappealed tohisappetite forcontrol, but whateverthemotivation ofthiscomplexmanheseemstohavedonethejob effectively. BothHeather, Christopher’s daughterbyhissecondmarriage, and Suerecallthathe communicated wellwithBorstalkids.Thoughhefailedto
applythesameskilltohisownlife,hebroughttotheirproblems a professionalclarity. Towards theendofhislife—for likealltheAdams menhecould speakwellin public—he alsogavelectureson probationwork,andonthat basisdescribedhimselfasa management consultant. AsDouglashimselfremarked,“Dadandmanagement [were] conceptsthatdonotbelongtogether.”
InJuly1960, Christopher Adamsremarried. MaryJudithStewart, born JudithRobertson, wasa widow.Herfirsthusband,WilliamAlistairMcLean
Beardmore Stewart, knownas“B,” wasunusually alsoherstepbrother. In 1944,as a RoyalAirForceOfficer,he had been killedon a disastrousmission
toNorway. OneofJudith’s brotherswaskilledshortlyafterwards. Hermother haddiedwhenshewasseven;herfatherhadremarried, buthadthendiedin
tragiccircumstances whenJudithwaseighteen. Incontrast to a society in whichmanyofusreachourfifties without anyexperience ofmortality, Judith hadbeenstalkedbydeathsincechildhood. Christopher’s newwifewasalsowealthy. Throughfamilyconnections her moneycamefromshipbuilding ontheClydefromthedayswhenBritainwas * Leonardo daVinci, Napoleon andJimiHendrix wereallsinistral. Left-handedness isontheincrease(now13%ofmales, 11%offemales). Professor McManus ofUCL believes thatthegenes thatcodeforleft-handedness alsohavea roleinthedevelopment ofthelanguagecentresofthe brain.
NOT FROM GUILDFORDAFTER ALL 35
oncea majorshipbuilding power, andtheClydewaslinedformileswith cranesandgantries, shipyards andslipways. UnderChristopher's influence, Judithcametohavelessandlesstodowithherownsideofthefamily. Itwas asifshehadto startherlifeoveragainwitha newsetoffamilyrelationships put in placefor her.Fromthe photographsJudithwas a good-looking
womanoftheScottish variety—slim, pale,handsome ratherthanpretty— withalookinhereyessuggesting vulnerability. Shelivedtobeeighty, dying in2000onlysixmonths beforeDouglas. Byher firsthusbandJudithhad twodaughters,Rosemary and Karena. Rosemary, the older,isnowa trainedtherapistpractisingin Edinburgh. (By
chance shealsomarried aStewart—Quentin, alawyer specializing inintellectualproperty.) Rosemary wasinherteenswhenhermotherremarried, and sherecalls beingquitetakenbysurprise. Thewayit happenedwasthatmymotherarrivedat myboard-
ingschoolaweekbeforeIwasduetoleave,whichwasunheardof becausedaysoutwerestrictlyrationed. Shewassuddenly there, andshetookmeandmysisterdownto thecottage...Wemust havebeenin the car—andthischapwasthere,and the bootwas open and there weresuitcasesin it. [Hewas]a big chap,dark, bearded.Anyway, hello,hello,who’sthis?Wewentdowntothecot-
tage,andshesatonmybedandshesaid,guesswhatwe'vedone. AndIjustknew,andsaid,you'vegotmarried. Andthatwasit.We hadn't knownaboutit. Sothat was quitedevastatingreally,absolutelydevastating.It’srelativelyrecently—Isupposein the last fifteenyearsor so—thatI'veactuallylookedat it anddealtwithit.
Certainly Rosemary Stewart believes thathermotherwasdominated by Christopher: “Mum wasChristopher’s doormat.” Viatheirmother’s second marriagethe girlsfoundthemselvesinheritedby this huge,complicated, overpowering man.Aswithmanystepfather/stepdaughter relationships, it haditsdifficulties. Karena,ontheotherhand,whowasbornafterthedeathofherownfa-
ther,wasnotquitesoshocked athermother’s remarriage. Sherecalls thather headwasin the cloudsformostofherteens.Shehadsufferedbadlyfrom anorexia,a conditionthat predatedthe appearanceof Christopher in her mother’slife.Hermemoryofherstepfather isthatwhenshewasverylowhe
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WISHYOUWEREHERE
wouldsitandtalkto herforhourson end.Ofcourse,therecanbe an ambivalenceaboutaltruism(ameansofcontrol?fuelforyourownself-esteem?),
butitwouldbeungenerous nottorecognize thatChristopher helpedKarena through herillness* Itwasanother example ofhistalentforsorting outother people’s liveswhilebeingunableto sortouthisown.However, Judith’s daughtersfoundtherelationship withtheirstepfather tricky,anditisperhaps nocoincidence thattheybothmarriedyoungandlefthome. Aftertheirmarriage, JudithandChristopher movedto“Derry,” abeautiful
houseinStondon Massey. ThisprettyEssex village—more ofa hamlet—is onlytenmilesuptheroadfromBrentwood, whereSueandDouglas still livedwithMumandGranny. Theirnearest railway station wasinBrentwood itselfand a carwasessential.Christopher wanteda sportscar,so Judith bought him a SunbeamAlpine.Thiswas not excitingenough,however,since
whathereallyyearned forwasanAstonMartin. AlsoatJudith’s expense, he wastohaveseveral inturn.’ J.G.Ballard saidthatweallinhabitanimmense novel.InChristopher's version,whichheinhabitedalmostcertainlyastheonlyprobationofficerin thecountrywithanAstonMartin,ownershipofa fastcarwasundoubtedly partofa characterhethoughtofasroguishlycharismatic.
Christopher Adams wasproudofhisdriving andintolerant ofotherdrivers.Followed ononeoccasion alonganarrowroadbyamotorist heconsideredtooclose, hestopped andopenedthebootandsuggested totheman
behindthathemightliketogetinit.Apparently hewasquiteunambiguous aboutit.Christopher hadpasseda high-performance drivingcoursewhich
allowed himtodisplay anHPCbadgeonthewindscreen, andhewaskeento pointthisoutto lessermotorists. Hiscousin,Shirley, remembers howhiscar
wasoncescraped inanirritating butminorpranginasupermarket carpark.
Christopherwas besidehimselfwith a disproportionate and frightening anger.Once,asa child,SueAdamsrecallsfallingasleepintheAstonwhenher
fatherwasdriving, andwaking uptofindthelandscape waswhizzing byat * Douglas wasfascinated bythiscomplex question ofaltruism, andwould recommend MattRidley’s excellent book,7heOrigins ofVirtue (Viking, 1996), tohisfriends. Hebought meacopy afteranargumentative lunch oneday. t Fortruebuffshere’s someinfootherwise ofnointerest. Butit’ssohardwon,you’re going tobe toldanyway thatthelicence number ofChristopher’s lastAston Martin, asilver DB5, wasBLU 119B.
NOTFROMGUILDFORD AFTERALL 37
a feverishlick.A glanceat thespeedometer revealedthetruth:145mph.(It waspartlyfordriverslikeChristopher thatBarbaraCastle,whenMinisterof Transportin HaroldWilson'sLabourgovernment, introducedthe 70mph
limitonmotorways—thus interfering withtheindividual's inalienable right tobehosedawaybynauseated firemen.) SueAdams's memory ofthe145 mphmoment isthatshewilledherself tofallasleepagain. AllChristopher's childrenandstepchildren foundthemselves somewhat displacedwhen,in 1962,JudithandChristopher producedtheirownchild,
Heather Adams. Christopher dotedonher.Shewastheappleofhiseye. Meanwhile, intheotherpartofDouglas’s familylife,heandhissister continued tolivewiththeirmum,theirgranny, theslowly dyinggranddad, anda floatingpopulationofsickanimals.Everyweekend,however, Douglas andSuewentto seetheirfatherandhisnewwife.
Stondon Massey isruralEssex atitsposhest. “Derry” wasa hugemockTudoraffair withasweeping drive,acresoflawnanditsowntenniscourt.At onepointJudithalsohada flatinKensington andsomedomestic stafftohelp out,a couplecalledJoséandMaria.Itisodd,givenhowmoneyexpandsone’s options,thatJudithandChristopher shouldchooseto stayin a houseonly tenmilesfromBrentwood, andChristopher’s firstfamily. It musthavebeenstrangeforthekids,commuting betweenBrentwood
andStondon Massey, soclosegeographically yetparsecs apartfinancially and socially. Whatdoyoumakeofbreakfast withdevilled kidneys served inasilverchafingdishwhenyouareusedto cornflakes? Perhapschildrendo not drawclearconclusions at the time.Thereis filmof Douglas,a tall,gawky schoolboyin dreadfulshortsand a tie,with SueAdamsand littleHeather,all
playing together inthehugegardenofthehouseinStondon Massey. Douglasrunsaround, armsandlegsallovertheplace, throwing a ballfortheinfant Heather,who wasround and blondeand smiling,and he showsa touchingprotectiveness towardsthegirlsfrombothhouseholds. Sometimes, when Judith’stwo older girlswere home from school,all the childrenwere
together. Youhavetowonder ifthechildren quiteunderstood wheretheyall camefrom.Rosemary recalls herconfusion whenshefirstmetChristopher's otherkids: It probablywasn’tuntilafterChristmas[1960]that my mother
wouldhavesaidtous,oh,bytheway,Chrishassomechildren and theyaregoingtocomeonSaturday. Itwasquitebizarre—and I'd
38
WISHYOUWEREHERE
said,“Oh,right,” youknow—in thosedaysitwasreallysortofAndy Pandy. “Shall I makesomesandwiches?” AndI remember thefirst daywesawthem,justlookingat them.I remember wherethey werestanding—very solemn,both ofthem.I don’tknow,maybe| wasverysolemntoo.Anditwasquitedifficulttoknow—you know, whatistherelationship? Christopherand Janet could not, or would not, bear to see each other so
GrandmamaDonovanhelpedin the mechanicsof movingthe children aroundforthe weekends.Sometimes sheand Judithwouldmeetup at a bankin Ongarfora handoverreminiscent ofthe ColdWarspyexchanges,
andindeedsheandJudithstruckupagoodrelationship. Karena remembers thatGranny Donovan wasquiteoftentobeseenin“Derry.” Christopher refusedto speaktoJanet;theirsilenceenduredfordecades.(WhenSueAdams gotmarried,ittooka lotofnegotiation togetChristopher to attend.) Douglas'sattitude to money,when he later madealot of it, must have
beeninfluenced by hisearlyknowledge ofjusthowit boughtcomfortand
goodies. Karena remembers hermotheronceremarked thatChristopher and Douglas werefartooaliketogeton.Certainly Douglas sharedwithhisfather anutterlackofpragmatism, alongwithanawesome appetitefortreats.Athis memorialservicehewasretrospectively teasedforoncebeingfoundto have eighthorrifically expensive camerasin thebackofhiscar.Butunlikehisfa-
ther,Douglas didnotlethislifepivotaroundmoneyforitsownsake;tohim itwasjustameanstoanend.Funandaccess tointeresting experiences were themaingoals—and, beingbynaturedelightfully generous, hewasalsokeen thatfriendsandlovedonesshouldsharesuchpleasures. Judith’sownconsiderable wealthwasdeployedunstintingly onbehalfof
herhusband and,interestingly, allthechildren, including Christopher's childrenbyhisfirstmarriage. Shesetupatrustfundforallofthem,withChristopher’sfriendfromTocH,G.R.Roche,asoneofthe trustees. OnenationalslanderagainsttheBritishisthatwearenotverygoodwith children. Asgeneralizations go,thisistosh,butfora certaincasteofBritishsocietytherewasatimewhensomeoftheemotional complexities ofraisingkids
werethoughttobebestresolved bysending themtoboarding school. Both Douglas andSuewenttofee-paying schools paidforbyJudith. Douglas attendedBrentwood, starting withitsprepschool, Middleton Hall.Suewentto Felixstowe College,as subsequentlydid HeatherAdams.Givenhoweye-
NOTFROMGUILDFORD AFTERALL 39
wateringly expensive itistoseethreekidsthroughthethirteenyearsorsoof educationat privateschools, it isespecially beneficent whentwoofthemare not your own.
WhydidJudithdoit?Rosemary sayshermother hadanacutesenseoffair playandduty,andbyallaccounts shewasa verydecentperson.Perhaps Christopher mightalsohaveputpressure onher.Youcanimagine conversationsalongthelinesof,“They’re mychildren, butit’syouwho'sgotthemoney, soofcourseit’suptoyou...”Theevidencesuggests, however, thatJudithpaid
simply because shefeltitwastherightthingtodoonbehalfofalltheirchildren.WhatJanetfeltaboutherkidsbeingeducated ontheticketofChristopher'srichsecondwifeisaninteresting question. Butsheisnothingifnot practical, andobviously shewantedthebestforherchildren. In 1964,Janetalsoremarried,a localvet calledRonThrift,a man forwhom
thereseemstohavebeennothingbutaffection andrespect. Onhisdeathfrom
cancer in1991, agedonlyfifty-nine, theentirecommunity attended amemorialservice. Whenhemoved toShaftesbury inDorset tosetupanewpractice, Janetwentwithhim,whileDouglas andSusan continued atBrentwood School andFelixstowe Collegeasboarders.Ron,however, tookan interestin Janet's kidsbyherfirstmarriageanddidhisbesttolookaftertheirwelfare. Soonaftertheirmarriage, RonandJanetproduceda sonanda daughterof
theirown.Theelder, JaneThrift, whomDouglas lovedwitha fiercefraternal protectiveness, isknown inthefamily asLittle Jane,todistinguish herfromBig Jane,i.e.Douglas's wifeJaneBelson, who'sstrikingforherelegance butalso,at sixfoot,forherheight.(Confusingly, whileDouglasandBigJaneweretacking, yacht-like, throughstorm-force seastowardstheireventualmarriage,there
wasalsoaWrong Janeasopposed toRight Jane.) Years later,Little Janewasto livewiththeminLondon where aflat wascreated forherinthebasement of theirlargeandbeautiful houseinoneofIslington’s finestGeorgian terraces. LittleJane,likehermother,eventually trainedasa nurse,beforedeciding, very muchunderDouglas’s influence, thatlifehadmoretoofferher.* LittleJane’sfullbrother,JamesThrift,nowrunsa businesswithhiswife, * There isastorythatDouglas, BigJane,andasmallbutelitegroup ofmedia-fashionables includingJonCanter, thefilmwriter, thecomedian Lenny Henry, Mary Allen whorantheOpera House at Covent Garden, andseveral senior tellypeople, weresitting inthekitchen, trembling intotheircoffee,afteroneoftheAdamses’ awesome parties. Little Janecameinwearing hernurse’s uniform. “Oh, Jane,Jane,” JonCanter saidwithself-deprecating irony, “when willyougetarealjob?”
40
WISHYOUWEREHERE
Bronwen, intheWestCountrybringingthevirtuesofgooddesignto a local
market. Hisdrysenseofhumour isveryreminiscent ofDouglas—which, even allowing foritasafamily trait,isnotsurprising, sinceDouglas's sizeandpersonality musthavehadastrikingeffect onayounglad.Douglas saw a lotof histwonewhalf-siblings, dividingtheholidaysequallybetweenhisparents’ families. Christopher andJanetatthattimewerestillnotexchanging a syllablewitheachother.Geographically, too,therewasnowquitea distancebe-
tweenthemtobecovered. Eventhesedays,Essex toDorsetisnotaneasy journey—and sometimes itwasonethatDouglas madeasahitchhiker. (Once ortwicehealsorodea muchtoosmallmotorbike withhiskneesstickingout likeparachute brakes.) Thesenseofcommuting betweendifferent worldsmust havecontinuedasacuteasever.
Torecap: Douglas hadonefullsister, SueAdams; twostepsisters, Rosemary andKarena;onepaternalhalf-sister, HeatherAdams;andtwomaternalhalfsiblings, JaneandJames.Inlaterlifehemadestrenuouseffortstogetthemall togetherasadults—perhaps torecreatea familythathehadmissedasa child. Asforhisrelationswithhisdad,wecanonlyspeculate. HeatherAdams, whonowlivesintheCanaryIslandswithherhusbandandtheirtwochildren, issophisticated andarticulate, likealltheAdamschildrenofthatgeneration,
butacertain caution comes intohervoicewhentalking aboutherfather. She recallsthat Douglas'srelationship withChristopher wasalwaysimmensely fraught,butthatthetwomenwereneverabletotalkaboutit. Nonetheless, whenDouglas wasinhisteenshisfatherdidsometimes take
himintheAstonMartinonextravagant holidays abroad. Thisinitselfmust havebeen abit galling forRosemary andKarena, sincetheirmotherhadalwaysbeencarefulwithmoney,notoutofmeanness butfromanxiety. Christopher’sloveofspending, ontheotherhand,mayhavehelpedtobringhimand Douglastogether,but it appearsthatin theiranguished, perhapscuriously
British way,theirconversation alwaysavoided anysubjectoftheslightest emotional importance. NomatterhowwellChristopher communicated with thedelinquents inhisprofessional charge, between himandhisonlysonthe tensionofthingsleftunsaidlastedalltheirlives. Frustration doggedDouglas’s relationship withhisfatherevenasdeathfinallycreptup onChristopher in co-respondent’s shoesin 1985,regardless of
thefactthat,likehisson,Christopher wasconcerned abouthisbloodpressure andstarted goingtoagyminthelastdecade ofhislife.Whenitwasclearthat Christopherwas dying,Judithsummonedthe familyto his bedsidein
NOTFROMGUILDFORD AFTERALL 41
Droitwich Hospital. Douglas hadflownbackfromtheStates theprevious day. Thevigilmusthavebeenharrowing, andthefamily members tookitinturns toleavetheroomandliedownforawhile.WhenChristopher chosethemomenttodepart,itwasduringhisson’sbriefabsence. Douglas wasdevastated. “Bloody typical,” hesaid,“bloodytypicalDad—waited tillIwasout.”
Christopher Adams andDouglas weresosimilar insizeandappearance thatDouglas saidthatseeing hisfatherlaidoutindeathwaslikelooking at hisowndeadbody.Christopher, returning tohisroots, leftinstructions thathis ashesweretobethrowninLochFyne. Fiveyearslater,TheDeeper Meaning ofLiffwaspublished.Co-written with
JohnLloyd, it’sabrilliant attempt tosaveallthoseunemployed concepts from hanging aboutandgetting intomischief whentheyreallyneeda respectable wordtosettledownwith.Characteristically, Douglas turnstheanguish thathe musthaveassociated withDroitwich intoa jokeaboutmisconstruing intentions:
Droitwich (n) Astreet dance. Thetwopartners approach fromopposite directions andtrypolitely togetoutofeachother's way.They steptotheleft,steptotheright,apologize, step totheleftagain,bumpintoeachother, andrepeat asoftenasunnecessary.
Nobody knowsforsurehowmuchhisfathermeanttoDouglas. JaneBelson confirms thathealways foundthatrelationship verydifficult, addingwhata pityitisthattherewasnobodywhoevertoldtheyoungDouglasthathewas clever,andthatitwasallrighttobeso.InsomeEnglishhouseholds therewas
anotion—now mercifully extinct—that praising children toofulsomely, or,indeed,atall,mightinducepersonality disorders. Itissucha pitythatChristopher,acomplex manfullofangerandunresolved conflicts, whospread havoc throughtwogenerations, wasneverableto say:welldone,son,you'vedone brilliantly, I’msopleased.Douglaswentthroughhislifewithouteverhearing the wordshe neededto hearfromhisfatherSomefamilymembersthink
Christopher wouldhavebeenjealous ofDouglas's fame, yethewaswithout a doubtimmensely proudofhisson.Thetroubleis:heneverleton. Therehas been researchthat suggeststhat fathersare importantto a child'sdevelopment ofself-esteem. According tothesetheories,evenifthere-
lationship between motherandfatherislikesomething outofStrindberg on a bleakday,justhavinga dadaroundisgoodnews.Thisiscontentious work,
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WISHYOUWEREHERE
however, andparticularly irritatingto thoseforwhomtheideathatchildren
areresilient isakeycomponent inanideology thatgrantsa licence toadults to lookforhappiness wheretheyfancy.InDouglas's case,hisfatherwas around,andavailable—albeit tenmilesuptheroadwitha newfamily ina different universe.
InDouglas’s archivesthereisa completerunofAstonMartinmagazines thatDouglaseithercollected atthetimeorinheritedfromhisfather.There's alsoa blackandwhitephotographofChristopher Adamsputtingpetrolinto
theunmistakeably elegant flankofa DB5. Douglas musthavebeenplaying withan enlarger andsomephotographic paper,forthisimagehasbeen printed—sometimes croppedinaslightlydifferent way—again andagain andagain. DouglasAdamsdidnotgothroughlifescarredbyhischildhood. Hewas fondof his extended,albeitunusualfamily,and he adoredhis mum.Yet,
sometimes, inlaterlife,hewasassailed byprofound boutsofinsecurity, and hecouldsinkintoakindofdark,inneremptiness fordays.Hecouldbequite childlike andmawkishly self-absorbed, butthenthatisnotuncommonwith writerswhosesolitaryartcanbe lonely,especially iftheyare,likeDouglas,
peoplewhoneedcompany. TosomeextentthepublicDouglas, thewildlycreative jollygreengiant, wasa mask.Butina senseweallplaytheroleofourselves intheworld,so anywordthatsuggestssomethingtobeputon andtakenoffatwillisquite thewrongone.Manandmaskareinextricably meldedtogether.Asa child, Douglasliveda greatdealin his head.Fortunately forthe restof us,that
turnedoutawonderful placetobe. Emotionally, Douglas wasaslargeashisgiantframe, andhemadecorrespondingly hugedemandsonthosecloseto him.Sometimes hewept,a gift lostto manymen,andsometimes hedisplayed theemotionalintelligence of a refractory brickona notparticularly sensitiveday.Butmostofthetimehe
wastheinventive, funny,extravagant lunkwhoinspired suchaffection in thosearoundhim.Andifthereweresomepsychological itchthathecould neverquitescratch, theworldshouldbegrateful, because itmadeuppartof hisgenius. Publishers knowthatwriterswitha lotofcraftcanbe countedonto delivera competentbook,but thebestbooks,the onesthatshimmeron the
page,growlikepearlsfromsomeinternal irritant. Douglas Adams wouldalwayshavebeenclever andfunny, butit’sdoubtful thathewouldhavegiven
NOTFROMGUILDFORD AFTERALL 43
theworldso muchif Mumand Dadhadbeena happilymarriednurseand teacherlivinglivesofstodgycontentment in deepestEssex.
Zaphod couldn't sleep.Healsowishedheknewwhatitwasthat
hewouldn'tlet himselfthinkabout.Foraslongas hecouldremember,he’dsufferedfrom a vaguenaggingfeelingof not beingall there.Mostofthe timehe wasableto put this thoughtasideand
notworryaboutit [...]Somehow itseemed toconform toa pattern thathecouldn'tsee... | TheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy, Chapter 14 Allwritersputthemselves intotheirwork—how couldtheynot?
“|wasat Brentwood School fortwelvewholeyears.
And theywere, byandlarge, inanupanddowny kind of way,prettygoodyears:fairlyhappy,reasonably leafy,a bitsportier than| wasinthemoodforatthe
TWO
time,butfullofgood(andsometimes highly eccentric) teaching. Infact,itwasonlylaterthat| gradually came
ea a m a Ss Hedie m CS
e&@ a oO oOEz.
torealize howwell|hadbeentaught atBrentwood:
(Odd inPhysics. andparticularly inEnglish, particularly that.)” Doucias Apams, TheBestofDays? Memories ofBrentwood School*
ca
Il boys’schoolsseemto havetheir own dire song.Somehave versesthathaveto be destroyedbycontrolled explosion. Decades
afterleaving, thealumnicanonlybringthemselves tosingthewordsafter muchforehead-smiting andsixpintsofbeer.Brentwood School hasa fine
exampleofthegenrecalled“TheOldRedWall,” a reference to thehandsome brickwallthatcontainsthegrounds;it’sa trulygruesome mixofcrueltyand sentiment.
According tothesong,theinstitution wasfounded inthemid-sixteenth century following a spasmofguiltoverthepublicburning todeathofanin-
nocentlad.Despitetheseinauspicious beginnings, the lyricsassureus that thereisnoquestionsovexedthatit cannotbe settledwitha goodchatbythe stovefor“whyweconqueredand howwestrove/Theytellofit stillbythe
oldschoolstove.” Brentwood wasendowed in1558bySirAnthony Browne, * Thisbookwaspublished bytheschool in1999. Acopywaskindly lenttomebyoldBrentwoodian,PeterStothard. :
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WISHYOUWEREHERE
careerlawyer,part-timeland speculatorandan early a clevertime-serving prototypeofEssexMan*Itwasa grammarschoolin whichaboycouldlearn Hecouldalsobe exLatinalldayandbe beatenformistakinga declension. in counselling pelledfor syphilisor lunacy.Therewasno namby-pamby
thosedays. The pupils. its1,500 girlsamong includes Brentwood days,however, These anappealing with grounds own o fits acres schoolstandsin seventy-two of buildings,fromeighteenthcenturyto modern.Thefacilities miscellany thosethatprevailin theStatesector— especially areby any standard—and who Tasker, ghosts.Countless Itevenboaststhatessentialaccessory, excellent.
leftthat century, Halluntiltheturnofthenineteenth livedin Middleton thePreparaanditnowhouses toBrentwood asa legacy building handsome avisit, andin herposthumous makes torySchool.Itissaidsheoccasionally incarnation sheisknownastheBlueLady. Schoolwasperhapsthe onlyclichéofDouglas'slife.He atBrentwood
Hismotherrecalls startedattheprepschool. having years, tendedfortwelve fromDough erdivorce a fter years f ive toldhim, she thathelovedit.When hethought heburstintotearsbecause thatshewasremarrying, las’sfather, cheeredup whentoldhe would hemighthaveto leaveschool.Hemagically be staying.
in allthe anda grounding education a fine formal gavehim Brentwood PraeItboasted publicschool. ofanEnglish oddsocialandmoralapparatus House), School wasin (Douglas system house a prefects), (up-market posters mud,coldshowers,rugby, Manners”), motto(Virtue,Learning, animproving ofchangeatbayand kepttheforces all, it Above societies. andinnumerable it in mattersof encouraging frownedupontawdrycompetitiveness—while
personal meritandteamspirit—by endless regulations. Eventodayschooluniforms theschooluniform. Ahostofrulesdefined tiesand theroadkill Perhaps illiterate. arethe lastrefugeof thevisually blazersarethoughtto discourage yellowandbruise-purple staphylococcus areas nothingto theprickly designs of contemporary worst b utthe vanity,
tohavebeenwovenoutofcardTheyseemed weworeinthefifties. horrors astheuniwereluckyinasmuch andhisfellows Douglas boardandgravel. the byoneoftheirfamousoldboys,SirHardyAmies, formwasdesigned * Michael Willis, theschool’s archivist anda teacherofHistory andPolitics, describes“good”Sir
Anthony inthesetermsinhisofficial history inTheBestofDays?
FINISHINGSCHOOL 47
couturierto the Queen,who devisedan elegantgreycheck—albeit surmountedby an absurdstrawboaterforespecially embarrassing occasions. Nevertheless the blazerwaswoven,or perhapsconstructed, fromintensely
scratchy material. Canworsted reallybederived fromsheep?Orarethere herdsofwildworsteds withhidesofsteelwoolthatevolved to repelthe predators oftheplains?
Oneoftheseregulations obligedDouglastowearshortsat prepschool.To his horror,whenhe graduatedto the mainschool,the shophad no long
trousers witha sufficient lengthoflegtofithim.Forawholemonthattheage oftwelvehehadtowearshorts,despite towering overhiscontemporaries andmostofthemasters. Itisa factcleartoallschoolboys thattocarryon
wearingshortsafterthe age of twelveindicatessomeprofoundpsychosexualconfusionor,worse,a tragicyearningto becomea scout-master.
Douglas describes it assomortifying thatforfourweeksheplayedonthe edgeofstation platforms andforgottheHighway Codewhencrossing roads* Allhislifehewasratherclumsy, andatschoolhisuncontainable armsand legs,pumping gallantly buttolittleeffect, madetheroleofsporting heroimpossible. (Mostlargemenknow—pace Americanfootballers—that well-knit, compactblokestendto be muchbettersportsmenthanill-coordinated gi-
ants.Alas,theyareusually tougher too,aslargemales, offending merely by anaccident ofsize,sometimes discover inroughpubs.) InDouglas's dayBrentwood was—and probably stillis—averygood
schoolin a fee-paying, curriculum-heavy, sport,values,andnicknames sort ofway.Is thereanywhereoutsidean Englishpublicschoolor a P.G.Wode-
housenovelwheresomanysoppynicknames arestilltobefound? Where elsecanyoumeet“Squiffy” and“Bunny” and“Spud”? Brentwood teachers included—inter alia—Tusky” and“Funf.” Suchschools, especially forboarders,
createan entireworld,safelyequippedwithrules,regulations andthesocietyofpeersin thesameboat.Iftheregimeisbasically fair-minded—as it was
inthe1960s undertheheadmastership ofRichard Sale—such worldscan havehugeappealtotheirinmates. Douglas wasa boarderfromtheageof eleven. Beyond thatOldRedWalllayuncertainty. Foritssize,Brentwood hasproduced a goodcropofoldboyhigh-
achievers: severalbishops,a Home-then-Foreign Secretary (JackStraw), Robin
Day, whobrokethemouldofabject deference wheninterviewing shifty politi* Seehiswitty essayonthesubject reprinted inTheSalmon ofDoubt.
48
WISHYOUWEREHERE
cians on TV,Noel Edmonds,GriffRhysJones,some superiorjournos (Peter
ofsenior anda fairsprinkling forinstance) andBrianMacArthur Stothard itselfwasverycompetent. men.Theteaching andmilitary scientists lawyers,
whentheDepression Theolderteachersweredrawnlargelyfromageneration and the drovea lot of peoplewith first-classmindsinto the profession, youngerstaffwereoftenmenwithgooddegreesanda senseofvocation.
yearsinall.Itwasn'thisveryfirst fortwelve Brentwood attended Douglas inBrentwood HillPrimary Primrose ThathonourgoestoMrs.Potter's school.
prep town.Atsixhetookthe examsandhadtheinterviewforBrentwood’s forstuffHallwasnotjusta machine,likeafoiegrasfactory, school.Middleton learningto copewithpromotionto the inglittleboyswithenoughacademic
bygenerations maintained ofitsown,lovingly Ithadtraditions seniorschool. headwhosephiloswasthelegendary JackHiggs headmasters. offormidable thatit wasa Hemaintained livedonthere. development ophyofcharacter briefedwith dutyto turnoutpupilswhowerenotonlyadequately school’s butwhowere“honest,kindanduseful.” knowledge
wasstillin the prepschoolthatFrankHalford It waswhileDouglas bythen FrankHalford, tenoutoftenforastory. himthelegendary awarded
DeputyHead,retiredfromBrentwoodin 1991,and he is stillremembered herecordshispleasurethat In hispiecein TheBestofDays? withgreataffection. to Douglaswhenthe morale-booster sucha m arklaterbecame thisperfect met Douglas M r.Halford 1992, later,in Years musewas beingcapricious.
oftheprep ofthefounding thecentenary againata speechdaycelebrating of version touching nevertheless but secular the andhealsoattended school, forlittlePollyAdams." achristening
wasMicky WhenDouglasmovedup to MiddleSchool,hishousemaster Hall,referredto, naturally,by all studentsas Henry.Assiduousdigging revealsthat forsomeyears schoolmagazine® throughthe well-produced inTheBestofDays? ofthePrepSchool, headmaster retired byJohnMarchant, * Quoted + Inspired andinspiring English teachersaretheunsungheroesofmodernliterature. Forinstance, times— Raymond Chandler andP.G.Wodehouse—both at Dulwich College thoughat different
weretaughtbythesameperson. tocoalunder turning slowly runofthemagazine keptthecomplete Douglas coTheBrentwoodian. publicaforschool whenhewrote storedingiantcrates.Later, kipple ofa lifetime’s theweight tions,heusually missed thedeadlines bytwoweeks—a modest starttoalifelonghabit.
FINISHINGSCHOOL 49
Douglas excelled atbeingtall,buttooklittlepart(orat leastnotprominent enough tobementioned) inthemanyextracurricular activities. In1964, how-
ever,he participated in the SirWilliamWynne-Finch Awardin “A”camp.It was somekind of privatelysponsoredversionof the Dukeof Edinburgh
Awards, forit featured orienteering, pitching a belltent,coastguard training, mapreading andvarious otherchunky, practical skills. Itconjures upa vision offreezing wetboys,soggycanvassnapping in thewind,andburt food
floatingincoldwater.
Whenhe wasten,Douglasheard HankMarvinand the Shadows,and was
entranced.Hismotherrecallsthathe wantedHankto comedownto Essex
andplayonDouglas's birthday, andwasbemused whenshesaidit wasn’t possible. “But, Mum,itispossible,” hesaid.Heknewhisgeography andcould
seeno physicalimpediment. “There's evena plug.”It wasthestartofhisintenseloveofmusic.Hisenthusiasm fortheBeatles wentalmostbeyondpassion;hewastotallybesotted.In 1964,Douglaswasgivenhisfirstleft-handed
guitar, andhetaughthimself toplayitbystudying thefinger-picking styles ofguitarheroesandbypractising relentlessly. Forthepianohehadmorefor-
maltraining,andhe shareda teacherwithPaulWickens—aka “Wix”—who wassupremely talentedandwenton tobecomethekeyboardplayerin Paul McCartney's band.LaterWixwasto playanimportantrolein Douglas’s pas-
sionformusicasanadult.“Wix andI werebothtaughtmusic,” hesaid,“but inhiscaseitworked.” Douglas wasactually a proficient left-handed guitarplayer, buthisstan-
dardsin musicwereasdemandingas hisstandardsinwritingandhe knew thathisplayingwouldnevercatchfirein thewayhesoadmiredingreatmusicians.Allhislifea streakof perfectionism ranthroughDouglaslikequick-
silver, bothaboonandatorment. Hewasalsoin thechoir, singing likeanangeluntilhisvoicebroke,and he remained an assistant inthechapel, towering overtheotherchoristers.
Ratherincongruously foronedestinedto becomea militantatheist,hewon a ServiceinChapelPrizein 1966.
TheBeatles, however, werehisfirstlove.Douglas usedtotella storyof bunkingoffschoolonFriday 20March1964, to sneakintotownto buy “Can'tBuyMeLove” fromRadiogram intheHighStreet, Hefelloverand
badlycuthis kneesonthewayback,thoughhe pointedout thatkneesare self-repairing whereasself-repairing textilesarestilldecadesoff.Lacking his
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WISHYOUWEREHERE
ownrecordplayer,he snuckintoMatron’sofficeand managedto playthe
and bandaged beforebeingcaught, profusely, recordthreetimes,bleeding slippered. canrethattheonlytimeanybody fortheBeatles Suchwashispassion
waswhenhe learned callDouglasusinghis awesomebulkforintimidation thatanotherboyhadheardthelatestBeatlessingle,andinsistedthathe hum Douglasis quotedas sayingthe songwas“Penny ofDoubt, it. In TheSalmon
Headded: soit musthavebeen1967. Tour, Mystery fromtheMagical Lane” asgood they're think Idon’t isasgoodastheBeatles. nowaskifOasis “People judgements, whowouldliketo compare fanatics ForBeatles astheRutles.” o fpreference in order tracks Beatles’ h is favourite listing thereisanappendix in theformofan elaboratedocumentdevisedbyRichardCurtisandothers on25May1999°
likedif a gentleboy,andwellenough tohavebeen seems InfactDouglas called friend good thathehada Hismotherrecalls alittle lonely. sometimes forthejobsworthcharacter whosesurnamehe appropriated StevenProsser, fromthelocalauthoritywhoseplanstoknockdownArthurDent'shousefor a bypasswerefrustratedbytheendoftheworld.
We'reall greatheightis easilyover-egged. Thequestionof Douglas's orgrotty attractive ofhowconspicuous, awareofourbodiesandconscious been have he must school likea order closed weappearto others.Ina
awareof it allthetime.Whenyouareoversixfoottallat twelvewithlegs likea wadingbird,and you blusheasily,it is hard to hidein assembly.
orbeds,ordesks,or notfittingeasilyintouniform, overmasters, Looming humour(“Meet o f schoolboy trickle theincontinent tolerating teamgames, thatmust ofdifference a feeling wouldcontrive meundertheAdams”)—all have contributedto his senseof lookingat the worldfroman unusual angle. Thefirstdocumentary evidenceofDouglas's timeat Brentwood wasin a
Houseshouldshaveitshead.” Themotionwasthat“This debate. sixth-form so thiswasmoreofa didnot gracethestreetsuntiltheseventies, Skinheads
threattothesomoralpanic(druggy tothelong-hair allusion contemporary
cialfabrid)thanthelatershort-hairmoralpanic(brutal, druggythreatto the socialfabric). Usinga remarkably sophisticated ideafora schoolboy, Douglas andthosestupid You canforgetProust mehavea copy. forletting Curtis toRichard * Mythanks cakes.Beatles’ songsaremorepotent.
FINISHINGSCHOOL 51
proposed themotion. Theargument wentlikethis:let’sinventa character,
Johnnythe HappySkin,whoseboncelooksexactlylikeeverybodyelse's. How can he expresshis individuality? Not throughfollicularfashion, clearly—only byhis lifeandwork.Axiomatically thisis a GoodThing.Mo-
tioncarried. InthecourseofthatdebateDouglas didalsocommit inpublica terrible
punthatwouldhavehadallthosesmartpublicschoolboys groaning. Johnny the HappySkin,he observed,is partofthe“aggrocultural revolution.” Hold myachingsides.Butevenasa schoolboy, he couldwritewithconsiderable
wit. SueAdams,a county awayin her boarding schoolin Felixstowe,recalls
thatDouglas wouldwritetoherregularly, andthathisletters weresofunny thatshewouldreadthemtoherschoolmates. Aftera whilethearrivalofa
letterbecamea sourceofsomejoytothe girls,Douglas's veryfirstfans.Unfortunately, thelettersarelost. Laterthatsameyear,1968,Douglasappearsagainasan authorof spoof
reviews inBroadsheet, theboys’cyclostyled andstapled artsmagazine. (There wasanother, moreliterary, magazine called Green Wood, asuperior miscellany,
forwhichDouglasalsocontributedtheodd piece.)Douglas's parodieswere in a chirpytabloidstyle,notbadfora schoolboy.
Hamlet: Feeling depressed? Readthisaccount oflifebefore Yeastvite andthinkhowluckyyouare. Oliver Twist: Taleunsuitable forthosewitha socialconscience ina starvingworld:gluttonmakesgood.
Andso on...Themagazinewaseditedby a sixth-former calledPaulJohn-
stone.It contains muchgoodmaterial, but possibly themostremarkable thingaboutit,something sharedwithmanyoftheextracurricular activities ofBrentwood, wasthesheerconfidence it displayed. Thesensethattheboys
couldturntheirhandstoanything,andexpecttosucceed, wasthemostvaluableofalltheschool’s giftsto itsstudents.
Therefollows a briefdiversion forserious Hitchhiker's fans. Doyouremember whenArthurandFordstowawayontheVogon starship,getcaptured andaretakenintothebowel-churning presence ofProstet-
nicVogonJeltz?Ofcourseyoudo.TheVogonsubjectsthemto ordealby poetrybefore,withcharacteristic meanness, throwingthemoutoftheairlock intotheicyvacuumofspace.ThebookcommentsthatVogonpoetryisonly
52
WISHYOUWEREHERE
thethirdworstintheuniverse. ThesecondworstisbyPoetMasterGrunthos “Odeto a the recitalofGrunthos’s n otesthatduring Douglas the Flatulent.
four Morning,” OneMidsummer inMyArmpit LumpofPuttyI Found Small
andthat thePresidentofthe of his audiencediedof internalhaemorrhage, ArtsNobblingCouncilsurvivedonlybygnawingoffhisown Mid-Galactic leg.Theveryworstpoetryofall,accordingto thefirsteditionofHitchhiker's waswrittenby onePaulNeilMilneJohnandthe originalradiobroadcast, stoneofRedbridge, Essex. worstpoetwaschangedto Paula thenameoftheuniverse's Subsequently Jennings(notetheinitials)andthat nowappearsin allbut NancyMillstone PaulJohnwaspublished, AfterHitchhiker's theveryfirsteditionofHitchhiker's.
insulttohislithurtful tothegratuitously objecting stonewrotetoPanBooks erarytalents" Douglasdidhavea tenTothealarmofhisfriends,familyandpublishers,
It amusedhim,sparedhimthe dencyto putprivatejokesintohiswork.’ and—inallinnoexnihilo, hisbrainstoinventsomething agonyofcudgelling
orthatthey (unlikely) wouldnotnotice thateitherpeople thought cence—he pubHitchhiker's, in forinstance, drive, Theimprobability wouldbe amused. way itssickening phonenumberasit lurched realIslington lisheda friend's Inthecaseofthe Thatnumberrangandrang.” normality. so-called towards
direpoetry,I amsurehe didnotintendany unkindnessto PaulJohnstone. stealDanielGoleemotionalintelligence—to Douglas’s Justoccasionally, man’susefulterm—was notassparklingashishighintellect.
somePanic’—was intheentirecanon—“Don’t advice Themostfamous Yet often. sayquite t o wont was Janet(anurse,don’tforget), thinghismother, altothecensorious ofhismumareattributed utterances morecharacteristic ternativepersonalityof Eddie,the shipboardcomputer.“Right!Whosaid
thatthepoetdidnotregard surprise thisatthetime,andweexpressed and| discussed * Douglas who|hopedidnothavea budding toPaulJohnstone, Infairness tribute. itasa kindofoff-beat nowsmileaboutthis.If thathewould | suspect reference, byDouglas’s careerasapoetblighted dragged forhaving | apologize thisbiography, reading bychance not,andyouarePaulJohnstone thisupagain. + Ratheras lanFleming foundthenameofJamesBondonthecoverofBirdsfromtheWestIndies
andOther Caribbean Islands, Douglas issaidbysomescholars ofAdamsiana tohavenamed Doug(1601). toHeaven Guide Man's whowroteThePlain puritan Dentafteranobscure Arthur lasalways denied this,butwhoknows whatlodges inwriters’ brains? coPLEASE donotcallit.Thenumber nowbelongs tosomebody quiteunconnected.
FINISHINGSCHOOL 53
that?” and“It'llallendintears” areexpressions whichtothisdaytheAdamses cannothearwithoutaninnerchortle* Meanwhileat Brentwoodin 1968,the nextAdamssightingis in the
school’s WinterTheatricals. Douglas playedJuliusCaesar in Shakespeare's tragedy. Brentwood stageproductions werenothingifnotambitious. Griff RhysJonesappeared inthesameplayasa mereservant toOctavius.
Caesar,youwillrecall,getsmurderedabouthalfwaythroughtheplay. Thatmayhavebeen a blessing,forDouglaswasnotoneoftheworld’snaturalthesps,eventhoughhelovedto perform.Hewassobigandclumsythat
therewasalways thefearthathewouldfallofftheedgeofthestagebymistake.(Even hismumsaidofDouglas running thatitwasbesttobecharitable andnottalkofit atall.)HespokeShakespeare’s versewithunderstanding
andintelligence, buthisstagetimingwasoff. Historydoesnot recorda reviewofDouglas's acting,but onecan’thelp
imagining himbeingstabbed bylotsofschoolboys intogas,andthenfalling withtheslowgraceofa combine harvester toppling fromabridge. Inthefollowing year’s Winter Theatricals hisimposing stagepresence wasexploited in
a roleforwhich acertain disjointedother-worldly qualitywasanadvantage. Heplayedthe ghostofHamlet'sfatherin a productionfeaturingAnthony JacquesasHamletandGriffRhysJonesas Rosencrantz.
The Christmas HouseDinnerswere anotheropportunity for the stagestruck. Lesley Hall,the daughterofMicky“Henry” Hall,remembers
Christmas vividlyinherpieceinTheBestofDays?:
Housesupperswere alwaysa highlightof the year.A huge
Christmas treewaserectedinOldBigSchoolandhouseresidents andinvitedguestswereentertained withmusical interludes, comic sketches andtheoddplay...Iremember theHareKrishna move-
ment infiltratingone such performance,courtesyof Douglas Adams.I had not comeacrossanythinglikeit beforeand thought
boththeconcept andtheindividual ratherweird.Iacceptnowthat itisOKtobeweird.t Despite notdoingallthatwellinhisALevels, in1970 Douglas wonanExhi-
bitionto St.John’sCollege,Cambridge.Thesetbackwith hisAlevelshe attrib* TheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy, pp.105-6. T Mythanks toLesley HallandJohnKelsall forpermission toquotethisfromTheBestofDays?
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WISHYOUWEREHERE
withwhomhe wasdeeplyin utedto havingmetHelen?hisfirstgirlfriend,
hiswayinto blagged Douglas class.However, History love,inanEconomic inreligious onthebasisofanessayontheriseofinterest largely Cambridge desperbut clever ofthe trick that toperform h im enabled h ad This poetry. it intoa atestudentof takingwhatlittlehe couldrememberandwrenching of body great a that therebypretending wholenew criticalperspective,
hadbeen inthefirstplace) orneverlearned forgotten (inreality knowledge somereliInthiscaseherecalled policy. asamatterofintellectual discarded Smart's Christopher from muchofit giouspoetryhehadsunginthechoir, poetinmoredetail). hewentontostudythisstrange (incollege Agno Jubilate Headdeda pinchof GerardManleyHopkinsto a goodportionofWilliam (asTS.Eliotcalledhim),whoserevBlake,thewildpetofthesupercultivated
virtueofbeingmemoitsmanyqualities—the versehas—among olutionary lyrics,allofwhichwere toworkinsomeBeatles rable.Thenhemanaged engravedonhisheart. Decadeslater,whenhewasawardedthatveryBritishaccoladeofan apthathis he toldSueLawley Discs, Island pearanceon BBCRadioFour’sDesert at St.John’sitwas bullshit.Infairnessto the academics essaywasegregious
of withmorethana sediment bullshit cleveregregious dazzlingly probably fromwhichhisfaalsotobethecollege happened St.John’s insight. genuine
butit isunlikelythatthiswasmuchofafactorfortheadtherhadgraduated, mind. thoughit mayhaveloomedlargerin Douglas’s missionscommittee essay, brilliant of his a place at St.John’son the strength Whenhe won
docScottish offormidable awareofhislongancestry wascertainly Douglas Fortumedicine. of studying tors,andsaidthathehadtoyedwiththeidea andthe natelyhisfatherhadbrokenthe line.Douglaswasratherfastidious thoughtof peeringup thediseasedsphinctersofthepublicallhislifefilled him with dismay;emotionallyhe certainlywouldnot have been tough
Onthepage knewthathistalentwasforwriting. healways Besides, enough. to hadnowhere good.Itwasasifhisfierceintelligence hewasstaggeringly no demanded h eknew that a topic on hidewhenhewasfacedwithanexam whenhe tookatest paperforthe justasremarkably Heperformed invention. Indeed,the of Warwick. courseat the University and Literature Philosophy
everything squirreled Douglas nosybastard. isthatoflicensed theroleofbiographer * Readers, | thinknot. Aretheyourbusiness? loveletters. touching Helen’s awayingreatcrates,including DotheycastlightonDouglas? No.
FINISHINGSCHOOL 55
admissions tutorthere,M.M. Warner, wrotetohim—clearly inresponse toa letterfromDouglas—to saythathispaperwasoneoftwooutstanding ones
inthe year,andthathe certainlywouldhavebeenoffereda place. Hisschooldayshad givenhima soundeducationandthe beginnings of
a useful network (Griffand Wix,for example,stayed in touch).Cambridge,
withitsbeauty,the societyofthe brightestandthebest,anditsready-made
matrixof contacts thatwouldmakea Freemason sickwithenvy,wasto change hislifeutterly.
“Likeallthereallycrucialthingsinlife,thischainof eventswascompletely invisible to FordPrefectand Arthur Dent.. .”
THREE
TheRestaurant attheEndoftheUniverse
sv. SOMN°S, smoners, nerTrworREms anp Crm@nps
ea the full,pantingtabloidsenseofthe term,the 1960sdid notreally we startin 1960,nordidtheywaftto a closein 1970. Historyisnot asneat asourdecimalnotation.TheVietnam Warwasstillgoing,andinMay1970US
forces invaded neutralCambodia inanattempt todenytheVietcong access through thatcountry. “Interdict” wasjustoneoftheera’smanybullshit words thatattempted tolenda spurious senseofprecision toabloodyandchaotic
conflict. Thatsamemonth,theNationalGuardshotdeadfourAmerican studentprotestersin Ohio'sKentStateUniversity. NixonandKissinger, aftera
bombing campaign inNorthVietnam thedevastating scaleofwhichisstill notwidely understood, agreed a ceasefire in1972. Itwassigned inearly1973 andtheFallofSaigon, watched inpalsied fascination on tellyalloverthe
world,followedin 1975.
Thehippymovement—if anythingasuncoordinated andwoollycouldbe
saidtobea movement—was already inretreat, Roland Barthes, theFrench intellectual, waskeentoinform usaboutthesemiotics ofclothes. In1968 flared jeans,bandannas (Godhelpus),andthoseappallingly whiffy Afghan coats,
58
WISHYOUWEREHERE
about sentawholerangeofsignals laughing, weworewithout thatsomehow it by1970 to softdrugsandsoon.However, attitudes socialchange, politics, toRoyal i t wear white—and hippysuit—all tobuya designer waspossible momentsuchgearhad ceasedto be a sandwich Atsomeindefinable Ascot* aboutsocietalchange,andhadbecomefancydress. boardbearinga message
Intelhadonlyjustmadethe in1971, wentuptoCambridge WhenDouglas computers onasiliconchip,sotherewerenopersonal circuit firstintegrated forDouglastobuyevenifhecouldhaveaffordedone.Hehadtakenona selaterservedhim Panic, riesoftwitjobswhich,asNeilGaimanobservesinDon't important Buttherewassomething ondustjackets.’ wellinpottedbiographies
urgentthateveryrestsomething goinguptoCambridge, hehadtodobefore
hehadto knew a bitwicked, and tofeelgrown-up man,yearning lessyoung
asifthey'dlivedthe youngblokesfeeling Itwasa deedthatleaves achieve.
songsthrough blues,tunnelledoutfroma Kerouacnovel,sungrambling-on abit. It s theirnoses,enduredthe romanceofthebleak,andgenerallyuffered
partofthegreatcanon tobeanessential andonedestined wasariteofpassage, border: h erbaceous ornate an like Douglas thatsurrounded ofanecdotage Hitchhiking No,not sex.It waslessfunandmuchmoreunhygienic. to itsveryedgesinIstanbul. aroundEurope—even than it is in the sixtiesand seventies farmorecommon was Hitchhiking fully p sychopath a potential as regarded i s now.Thesedaysa hitchhiker
intheoutside Sabatier anda twelve-inch system witha delusional equipped amateur isan m otorist Every r ucksack. orange pocketofhissquillion-litre f Theseearsare forrandommalice. theopportunity rapistornutterseizing routimes.Theonlyhitchhikers butweliveinun-innocent largelynonsense, tinelyspottedon the roadsofBritainare sternmenin tweedyjacketswho
newJaguarandhavethered,trade somebody's havejustbeendelivering undertheirarmstoproveit.Butthirtyyearsagohitchhiking number-plates andtheless forstudents about,especially meansofgetting wasanaccepted andhalfpoisoned being day Thefactthatyoucouldspenda well-off. of somerain-lashedAutobahnwas part of the drownedon the Einfahrt mythology andtheappealofhitchhiking.
(BatsHerald byJacqueline 1970s ofa Decade—the inFashions photograph * Seethedelicious ford,1992). Books, (Titan ’tPanic Don wittybook, . . . NeilGaiman’s porter hospital shedcleaner, + Chicken 1987),isanexcellent companion toDouglas's work.
ST. JOHN’S,SMOKERS,NETWORKS ANDFRIENDS 59
Douglaslaterconfessed thathe had toldthestoryofgettingtheideafor Hitchhiker's sooftenthathecouldnolongerrecallwhetherit happenedtheway
he saidit did,orwhether hewasjustremembering hismany retellings—in whichcasehewouldhavetotrusthimself andaccept thatatsomepointhis original Ur-account had a basisinfact.Mostofyouwillhavehad a similar ex-
periencewitha favourite yarn,andyouhaveto bequitetough-minded to be surethatyouknowwhetheritreallyhappenedorwhetherrepetition, andthe desirethatitjollywelloughtto havehappened,haveinducedconviction. We
liveinlineartime(unlike a dog,happycreature, thatseems toinhabit aneternalpresent). Memory ontheotherhandisnotsequential; youcan’tcount
backwards to findthe momentwhenyoulearnedthe nameofthe capitalof Chad.Memories seemto bestoredusingavarietyofmysterious principles, so thatyouhaveto circlearoundandaround,throughmistycloudsofassociation,beforeyoucanrelocatesomemissingpiece.It is easyto persuadeyour-
selfofthetruthofsomething forwhichtheonlyevidence isa strongurgeto believe.
Douglashada repertoireofanecdotes thatheusedto greateffecton the promocircuitandat conventions andconferences. Healwaystoldthesesto-
riesinexactly thesameway,rightdowntothecomichesitations asheappearedtorummage aroundhiscortexforexactly therightword.Before you scoff, thisisnotsomething toelicitcynicism, butadmiration. Douglas wasa
frustratedperformerwitha perfectionist streak.Theappearanceofeffortless witis not effortless at all.Helikedto entertain,andifhehad polisheda yarn
tothepointwhereit couldnotbeimproved hefeltheowedittohislistenerstotreatthemtothebestversion. Thedanger ofthisapproach isthata kind ofunreality abouttheoriginal experience creeps upontheteller.
Thebarebonesof the anecdotearethese:hitchingroundEuropein the summerof1971, betweenschoolanduniversity, withguitar,fullofyearning,
sapandwhatnot rising, looking foradventure, Douglas arrives inInnsbruck* consumes a bittoomuchofthatsneakyAustrian beer,andliesina field looking atthestars." Inhisbagis a copyofTheHitchhiker's Guide toEurope by * HestayedintheYouth Hostel inReichenauer Strasse sohewasn’t living thebluesallthatdesperately. T Somedocumentary film-makers haveidentified theactual field, but| can’thelpthinking, even withmytenacious graspofthetrivial, thatthefieldisaboutasrelevant asthenumber ofthe tramyoung Einstein thought inashemadehisdaily journey tothePatent Office.
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Someoneoughtto writethatbookon a KenWelsh*Hmm,thinksDouglas.
Iknow! Thewholegalaxy. Wow. largerscale. thathewouldbetheonetodoit. heneverimagined claimed Healways
Douglassurvivedthe rigoursofthe road,and the apocalyptic Happily, ferrieswhenthe scenesyou canwitnessin thegentsofthe cross-Channel goodtimefor in England gotbackto and blowing, are earlyautumngales
forthe Court) (D1inCripps RonandJanettodrivehimtohisroomincollege of underthedirection term.HewastoreadEnglish startoftheMichaelmas
thelatterremaininga friendafter HughSykesDaviesandDr.GeorgeWatson, Douglasgraduated. Janetrecallsthatthefirstpersonhe metwasNickBurton,a scionofthe tailors,whowastosharesomerathersplenhouseofBurton,the high-street
andhe inhisthirdyear.Nickwas6’4”tall.Douglas didroomswithDouglas
withthatheadymixof justgrinnedateachother,nearasdamnit eye-to-eye, emotionsthatmarksleavinghomeproperlyforthefirsttime. beautiful,a paradiseof exquisite was—andis—beguilingly Cambridge
St. themeparkofeducation. a veritable traditions, andcivilized buildings byLadyMarin1511 inthetown.Itwasfounded isthelargest College John’s of generations t o known themotherofHenryVII,a monarch garetBeaufort,
Welsh,greedyandhavinga Chancellor, forbeingmiserable, schoolchildren
Morton,who inventedafiscal ratherthan physicalFork.St.John’sremindsall
butyoumightbeexthatitisa placeofwork,andnota museum, visitors FromitsTudorgateisa delight. Thecollege otherwise. cusedforthinking faced handsomely courtyards whatseemlikeendless houseyoupassthrough in greystone,allonanintimatehumanscale,withwindowslookinginwards andnot believethattheyarevegetable ontolawnssoperfectyoucanscarcely the reaches college Wherethe extrudedfroma machinein AlliedCarpets.
of Bridge soppyreplicaofVenice's river,it hopsoverwitha romantically tutoand accommodation withmorecourtyards, andthencontinues Sighs, rialroomsontheotherbank.
doubtlessstudentsmanageto standardsarerigorous; Ofcourse,academic but,comparedto environment, inthisblissful e ven desperate a nd -getfraught
isfairyland. St.John’s campus, university wind-blown blocky, theaverage was Theeconomy political. wasnotstrenuously Atthetimetheuniversity * KenWelsh,anAussie,wrotea bookfullofgoodresearchandsoundadvice,butithasn’tbeen haveto dowiththedeclineinhitchhiking. updatedsince1993forreasonsthatprobably
ST. JOHN’S,SMOKERS,NETWORKS ANDFRIENDS 61 not as forgivingas in the previousdecade,and the studentsof the seventies
wereby and largegettingtheirheadsdownand working.Theywereno
longerangry, onlyabitmiffed. Douglas wasnotpolitically radical inanyconventional sense, forhewas fartoointellectually subversive totrustanysetofideasorganizedenoughto becalledanideology. Laterinlifehewrotewithpolemical zealaboutconservation,but he seldomventuredexplicitlyintoPolitics(witha capital“P”),
thoughthereadercanoftensensehimshaking hishugeheadathumanfolly, asifsaying tohimself “dumb, dumb,dumb." Douglas's shortstory“Young Zaphod Plays ItSafe” isasstrident asheever
gotaboutmattersasparochialasthehierarchical arrangements onourlocal planet.Itisa littlebeauty,bytheway:ZaphodandtwocreepsfromtheSafety andCivilReassurance Administration areon a salvagemissionto recovera
fearsome cargofroma starship wrecked byitscaptain's foolish diversion to collect alobster dinner. Unfortunately, oneofthecreatures intheship'shold hasescaped.It’sa charmingbutsimplehominidthatisoneofthemostdangerouscreaturesthateverlivedbecausethereisnothingthatitwillnotdoif allowed,andnothingthatitwillnotbe allowedto do.It’scalleda Reagan*
Cambridge isfamous formanythings—including, but,asthelawyers say, notlimited to,academic excellence, Ludwig Wittgenstein, astronomy, exquisitebutirritating novelsaboutspoiltgits,privilege, parties, pubs,pleasure, punting,spies,andFootlights. Ofthese,pubs,parties,pleasureandFootlights featuredlargelyin Douglas’s life.
Footlights, ormoreproperly theCambridge Footlights Dramatic Club, was bornin1883 andgivenitsnamebyaMr.MH.Cotton. Atfirsttheatmosphere intheclubwasbracing—quite foreign tothatnaughty auraofsophistication withwhichitwaslaterassociated.' Itwasn’tuntil1924thattheformatsettled downintothe revuestyleforwhichit becamefamousas a showcasefor brightyoungtalent.Alargeshareoffamousnamesinwritingandactingfirst
trodtheboardsinFootlights revues. Performers inthoseearlyyearsincluded * Thisstorywaswrittenin1986fortheUtterly, Utterly MerryComicReliefChristmas Bookandre-
published inTheWizards ofOdd, edited byPeterHaining (Souvenir Press,1996). t Roger Wilmut, inhisscholarly andenjoyable bookFrom Fringe toFlying Circus (Eyre Methuen, 1980), quotes asource asdescribing theclubatthattimeas“decidedly hearty.” Forearnest historians ofFootlights, thepotted history bytheclub’s treasurer, Dr.H.C. Porter, published inthe programme forthe1974revue, Chox, isinvaluable.
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NormanHartnell, CecilBeaton,theactors,JackandClaudeHulbert,andMal-
colmLowry, authorofUnder theVolcano. Filmwasusedforthefirsttimein 1931;a recordingwasissuedin 1932,andin thatyeartherewerewomenin thecast.The1933revuewascalledNoMoreWomen.
ManyofthebestpeopleinBritish theatreareFootlights graduates. They wereknownastheOxbridge Mafia, eventhoughCambridge hadafarbigger influence thanOxford (which boasted AlanBennett asanotable exception). The 1954Footlightsrevue, with Jonathan Miller,LeslieBricusse,Frederic Raphaeland John Pardoe,transferredto London,as did many other produc-
tionsfrom1963onwards.MichaelFraynandJoeMeliaperformedinthelate
50sasdidBamber Gascoigne, Timothy Birdsall, Eleanor Bron, JohnBirdand PeterCook. EvenDavid Frost. Bythesixties theescapees fromtheclubformed athunderous roll-call ofnamesthatweretodominate therevuescenefora generation. TrevorNunn,HumphreyBarclay andCliveJamesalldirected, and
the actors included John Cleese,Graeme Garden,Miriam Margoyles,Bill Oddie,Graham Chapman,EricIdle,TimBrooke-Taylor, RussellDaviesand
manyotherswhowentontobestrategically placed intheatre, tellyandother media. Footlights’ firstbigsuccess wasin1963 whenitsrevue,muchadapted for its newvenue,transferredto Londonunderthe nameCambridge Circus. TheatreproducersandTVscoutsstartedto attendFootlights showsona regularbasis.Theannualshowturned,bydegrees,intoan auditionforShaftes-
buryAvenue and,almost invariably, theEdinburgh Festival. Inresponse, the clubexerted itselftoputonshowsofevergreater professionalism. Thistraditionwaswellunderstoodby undergraduates withhistrionic leanings.BythetimeDouglasarrivedin Cambridge, Footlights wasnotonly theplacetohaveastonishing funwithlikeminded youngthesps—it wasa ca-
reermove. ButFootlights wasnotaclubopentoeveryone, and,besides, noteveryonetalented wasattracted toit.Among Douglas's contemporaries, JohnLloyd
wasstudyinglaw—or, ashe concedes, notstudyinglaw—next dooratTrinity.Heand Douglasstruckup a complexand competitive friendship,and Johnlaterbecamea collaborator on—inter alia—theradioseriesofHitchhiker's
(aswellasevolving intotheUK'smostsuccessful TVcomedy producer). He recalls thathisnickname forDouglas wasVastCreature. JohnLloyd wasa good-looking youngmanwhosefloppyblondhairmadehimratherresembleAnthonyAndrews, theactor,playingSebastian FlyteintheTVadaptation ofBrideshead Revisted. HisviewofFootlights islessthanawestruck:
ST. JOHN’S,SMOKERS,NETWORKS ANDFRIENDS’63
Footlightswas goingthrougha rather loucheand decadent patchatthetimewhena lotofmiddle-agedorevenelderlydonsin
velvetsmoking jackets gotyoung,handsome undergraduates todo songanddanceroutineswiththem...Footlights wasa joke.None ofusworthoursaltwouldhavegoneneartheplace.Peoplewho ran the stallat the undergraduate fair—theFreshers’ Fair—we thoughtwerea bunchofwankers.I'dhonestlyneverheardofFootlightsbeforeI gotto Cambridge, so it wasa yearor sobeforeI got
roundtothinking aboutit.Andinthemeantime Igotapartinthe TrinityrevuewhichhadbeenfamoustheyearbeforeforCharlie [Prince Charles] beinginasketchabouta maninadustbin...Inmy secondyear,with my friendRichardBurrage,we ran the Trinity revueandthisiswhenI gotto knowDouglasaswebothhad collegerevuebackgrounds.
Mindyou,JohnLloyd dideventually audition forFootlights attheprompting ofagirlhewasinlovewithatthetime,theactress, MaryAllen. Naturally he wasacceptedandenjoyeda vintageyearwhenJonCanterwaspresidentof the club.Jonwasat Gonvilleand Caiusnot reallystudyinglaw,likeJohn
Lloyd. Aftergraduation, JonCanter* MaryAllenandJohnLloyd wereallimportantinDouglas's life. Douglas auditioned forFootlights inhisfirstterm,butwasrebuffed anda littlehurt.Footlights wasquitetightlycontrolledat the timeby thosewho hadrisenupthroughtheranks;besides,Douglas's writingtalentshadnotyet beenhonedbyperformance. Long,haranguingmonologues didnotworkfor
thelanguidly wittyFootlights committee. Douglas toldNeilGaiman years later(seeDon't Panic) thathefoundthem“aloof andratherpleased withthemselves,” sohejoinedCULES (theCambridge University LightEntertainment Society) instead.Thisorganization literallyhad a captiveaudiencewhenit tookitsshowsoutto prisons,andin hospitalsitsaudiencewasusuallytoo
decrepit todoa runner;Douglas lookedbackontheexperience withsome embarrassment. SuchwasDouglas's appetiteforperformance thathejoinedtheADC (Amateur Dramatic Club)whereheplayedSirLuciusO'Trigger in SueLimb’s * Buffs might liketoknow thatJonCanter, alifelong palofDouglas, cameupwithMarvin’s line— “Life, don’t talktomeaboutlife’—in arevuein1972.Douglas always gaveJonthecredit forit.
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productionof Sheridan'sTheRivals. OppositehimwasJonathanBrock,an-
otherfrienddestined toplayanimportant partinDouglas's lifeafewyears later.Jonathan Jonnytohispals)wentontobecome abarrister, andthena QC*Hisrecollection oftheirstageswordfight wasthatDouglas “hadthecoordinationofa mastodon.Wedidfiveperformances in whichthe resultof the fightdependedon whetherDouglascouldgethis weaponout of his scabbard.”Jonnyin facthad been at schoolwith JaneBelson,laterto become
Douglas's wife,butshewenttoOxford sohemetDouglas tenyearsbefore shedid.Atthememorial service hecommented thatitwas“tenyearsofchaos beforeshesortedhimout.” However, Douglasdideventually getintoFootlights. Itwasa littlehubris-
ticofhimtothinkthathewouldbewelcomed inhisfirstyear;itwasconsideredthattoperform inFootlights onehadatleasttohaveacquired thejaded sophistication ofthesecondyear,andtheattainment ofearthlyparadise (beingon thecommittee) wasmoreor lessreservedforthird-yearstudents. AsFootlights’ personnelchangedwithtime,Douglaswasencouraged byone committee memberwhowas“friendly andhelpful,allthethingstheothers
weren't, acompletely niceguynamedSimon Jones” (latertoplayArthurDent sobrilliantly). Douglas andhispalKeithJeffrey wereelected together—but notbeforea minorrunningskirmishandclashofegoswithinFootlights. ButevenifFootlights in 1971wasfullofaesthetesexchanging wickedly inexplicit understandings, therewasanotherpathto messingabouttheatri-
callythatinmanywayswasmuchmorefun.Thiswasthecollege revue,or “smoker,” arelatively informal affairinwhichhistrionic undergraduates performed frivolous sketches fortheamusement ofthemselves andtheirpeers. Thetermderivesfroman earlierera’s“smoking concert,” onein whichthe chapswere allowedto smokeand fromwhichwomen were excluded,prob-
ablyonthedaftgroundsthatmanyofthesketchesfeaturedrelentless sexual
double entendres. (“Your ejaculations fillmewithsurprise.”)” Thesmoker appealed enormously toDouglas. Hegottogether withtwo friends,MartinSmithandWillAdams,to writesketchesfora revueoftheir * When | interviewedhimforthisbookinhischambers,hetalkedaboutDouglas warmly, withap-
palling energy andperfect clarity ofdiction, foranhourwithout appearing todrawbreath. Sometimespersonalities andjobsseemwellsuited. t Quoted inDon’t Panic, p.10. coQuotedbyBenDuncanina reviewforTheTimesEducational Supplement, 17March1973.
ST. JOHN’S,SMOKERS,NETWORKS ANDFRIENDS’65
own.MartinandWillwereatFitzwilliam College studying Economics and English respectively. Martinisneatandclever, andWillisbeardyandclever. MartinandWillhadbeenwritingtogetherwhentheymetDouglas, butthey immediately clickedasa team.Thethreeofthemcreatedsomebrilliantmaterial.WillandMartincontinuedtowritetogether, butDouglaswroteonhis
own—a lifelong preference, thoughratherperverse fora manwhoneeded company asmuchashedid.Ontheotherhand,hispainstaking drafting and redrafting couldonlyworkwithonecreative intelligence incharge. Martin describes theirmethodofworkinglikethis: Thethingwas,Douglasand Willand I writeverydifferently.
WillandI alwayswrotetogether. WeweretheclassicGaltonand Simpson, Clement andLaFrenaistypeofcombination. Wewere alwaysstultifiedinto inactionunlesswe weretogether.Douglas alwayswantedto writeon his own.Whathe woulddo is write three sentences of brilliant introduction, and then he'd be so
thrilledwith them he'd run up CastleHill,to whereFitzwilliam was,and he’dsit downwithus and say,“Listen,listen,listen...,” andhe’dtrynotto laughallthewaythroughhisreading.Willand I wouldthentakeit awayandwritea sketchbeginningwiththose lines.It waslikea gameof consequences. Willand I wouldshare
thelinesout,butIthinkourabilitytoself-edit wasn’tthere.Sowe wouldturnoutstuffthatwasquitefunny,butwasn’tverydifferent, so then Douglaswould take it back again, and take what we'd
doneand makeit funnierand better.Andthen we’dtakeit back offhimand makeit work,becauseifyouleftit to Douglasevery-
bodywouldbedelivering eachsketchinSerbo-Croat whileriding onrollerskates... It’sinterestingthateventhenDouglashad a compelling needforapproval, andhefoundit almostimpossible towaitbeforeaskingforit.SueFreestone,
theeditorofmanyofhisbooks,wouldlaterexperience thistoadegree unusualevenamongwriters, a notoriously demanding lotwhenit comesto emotional neediness. Douglas wasalways innocent aboutfindinghisown jokesfunny;theywerefunnyand nobodyhad evertaughthimthat Brits shouldonlyallowthemselves a self-deprecating littlesmileovertheirown
achievements. Besides, hewouldhootwithmerriment atotherpeople's jokes.
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MakingDouglaslaugh,allhisfriendsagree,wasoneofthegreatdelightsof theworld.
Withhisnaughtymagpieinstinct, Douglas laterimmortalized Martin whenFordPrefect says“thisisZaphod Beeblebrox—not bloodyMartinSmithof Croydon.” (WhenMartinevolved intoa seniormanager in advertising he usedto haveclientsaskhimifbychancehe camefromCroydon.) Willwent intopublishingand becamea bookeditorand quizcompiler. Martinand Willwere—and are—engaging andfunnymen.
Theirfirstrevuewasstagedon14June1972 intheSchool ofPythagoras, thetheatreinSt.John’s, Itstartedat11p.m.,a moment notonlypastcocoa andpyjamas timebutalso—significantly—pub closing time.TheLadyMargaretPlayersandAdams,Smith,AdamspresentedSeveral PoorPlayers Strutting andFretting (30p,ticketsfromthePorters’ Lodge). Oddlytheprogramme inside
wasCalled “Fruttin’ inStreatham,” thoughperhapsit’sjustthataftera few drinks“strutting andfretting” (areference to Shakespeare’s unmentionable Scottish play,ofcourse) startedtotransmogrify. Thecastwas MartinSmith,StefanieSinger,RachelHood,WillAdams,and
Douglas,andthe scriptswerewrittenby Adams,Smith,Adamswithadditionalmaterialby JohnParry,JonCanter,JerryBrownandJohnCleeseof
Monty Python fame.Douglas’s roommate, NickBurton, managed thehouse. “Look aroundforhim,” theprogramme notesadvised, “he'llbetheonewho isn'tlaughing.” Whetherstruttingor fruttin’the revue was wellreceived.Who did what
inthewritingisan enigma,butcomicwritingisoftena teameffortbecause
itissohardforoneindividual toknowwhatisfunnyandhowitwillplay. Thethreeofthemdeserve equalcredit. Theyhadbecome goodfriends, but WillAdamssaysthattheirconversation waslargely banterastheybatted wordsandjokesbackandforth,enjoyingthe occasional rally.“Welikedto amuseeachother,”herecalls,“bytoppingeachother’sjokesorrunningwith
thefantasies. Weveryrarelytalkedaboutanything personal, andIratherregretthatnow." Theprogramme forSeveral PoorPlayers wasreplete withadsforTrinity's ABigHandonYour Opening andTheBudgie byTonyChekhovandvariousbitsof spoofbiography, but thesketchesthemselves arelistedwithminimalist detail.MaryAllenrecallsthattherewasawonderfully funnyoneabouta struc-
turalistanalysis ofa railway timetable. (Railway timetables meantmorein thosepre-privatized days.) Structuralism wasfashionable atthetime,butnot
ST. JOHN’S, SMOKERS, NETWORKSAND FRIENDS’ 67
asbigasirony.Ironywasenormous.Everybody wantedit in quantitiesthat
aroomful ofFrench intellectuals couldnotdeconstruct* Douglas madefriends easilyincollege, butatfirsthemissed Helen. Althoughthatrelationship eventually fadedaway, inthemeantime hevisited her.Shehadalsogoneto university, toWarwick (which,despitethename,is not in Warwick but liesbetweenCoventryand Kenilworth). Douglas,who
lovedanecdotes fortheirhumourandcarednotiftheymadehimlookdaft, toldthestoryofhitching therewiththatessential prop,hisguitar, toseeher. During hisvisithemetthelong-haired blokefromalongthecorridor, also withguitar.Theyjammedtogether, withtheothermantryingtodirectDouglasto laydowna goodrhythmlinearoundwhichhe,theotherbloke,could takeflight.ThiswasanaffronttoDouglas's guitarheroegoanditgoadedhim
intoventuring theoddand,ashebelieved, dazzling improvisation. “No, no,” thehairyonesaid,“ifyoudon’tmind,I'lldothefiddlybits.”Andhedid. What'smore,hewasdauntinglygood.OnlyyearslaterdidDouglasfindout thattheothermanwastheyoungMarkKnopfler, laterofDireStraits. It wasduringhisfirstsummerholidayfromuniversitythat something
happened thatretrospectively seemsspooky, butisn’t.Whathappened was this:Douglas hadasummer jobinDorset inalocalwarehouse. Shaftesbury anditsenvirons boastsomeofthemostbeautiful countryside inBritain, but itisquitehilly.Douglashadto drivea tractorforthisjob.Untilyougetused to them,tractorsaresurprisingly difficultto masterwiththeirbewildering
gearchanges andhighcentreofgravity. These days,justtoprovethattheEU is notexclusively aboutthecurvature ofbananasandcreative expenses, therearesensible regulations thatenforce roll-over barsonsuchvehicles. Thatsummer,at the bottom of a hill,Douglashad an accident.Hewas in
an opentractortowing atrailer fullofirongirders.Hetriedto changedown ashestarteddownthehill,buthejustcouldnotgetthelowergeartoengage. Thetractorcareereddownwards inneutral,gettingfasterandfaster.Seeinga
logacross theroad,Douglas steered toavoidit,butthetractorturnedover. Douglas,the tractor,the trailerand the girderstumbleddownthe hill, roughlyin thatorder,withDouglaskeepingjustfarenoughaheadto avoid * Thereadermight enjoy a veryhelpful littlepoemonthesubject ofstructuralism. Itgoeslikethis: Thisisthecreedo’Jacques Derrida There ain’tnoauthor. Thereain’tnoreader,eeda.
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beingkilled. Instead hebrokehispelvisandspentthreeweeksinYeovil DistrictHospitalwhilehe mended,flaton hisbackstaringat theceiling,bored out of his mind, and, rather to his doctor's surprise,recuperatedenough to
startthe nexttermat Cambridge on time.Here’sthe coincidence: exactly
twenty yearslater,onthesamespot,another manturnedovera tractor—and diedofhisinjuries. Hisname:Douglas Adams. It musthavebeenpartlyDouglas’s accidentthatinspiredAdams,Smith, Adamstorunthefollowing creditsintheprogramme fortheirnextrevue,The Patter ofTiny Minds:
Mr.Adams'’s (D)pelvis byYeovil District Hospital
TheshapeofMr.Smith's feetbyStart-Rite Mr.Adams's(W)disposition byYeastvite
ThePatterofTinyMinds,stagedfrom15-17November1973in the Schoolof Pythagoras, wasmoreambitiousthan the trio’sfirsteffort.Theyevendid
somemarketing withasmallflyerputinbicycle baskets, andalargish poster featuringWillin someveryoddshorts,Martinallinblacklookinglikea hit man,and Douglaswearinghischickensuitcompletewithrealcockscomb. Douglaswasalwaysgametogetintothispreposterous garment;endearingly
henevermindedmaking anarseofhimself fora goodcause,andheliked beingindisguise. Theshowboasteda director, TonyRoot,soundandlighting engineers, JohnFassnidge andJimBesley, anda musician, AndyThurston, whoseviolin addeditsownmusicalcommentary. JohnLloydiscreditedwithwritingadditionalmaterial,andthereis scriptadvicefrom“Otto.” ItturnsoutthatOtto
wasa reference toJohn“Otto” Cleese, whohadgiventhemonesketch, but whomtheyfeltshouldbeobscured—perhaps forfearofappearing precious. Evenmoreimportantly, thecastincludeda woman,MargaretThomas, a talentedthespandsingerwhomtheyallapparentlyfanciedsomething terrible. Thespoofcopyintheprogramme wasnotentirelya matterofinvention:
MARGARET THOMAS isgettingfedupwiththeimproper advancesthatarecontinually madetoherbytheotherthree[mem-
bersofthe cast],allofwhomaredeeplyandtragicallyin lovewith her.Theyareoftentobeseenofferinghertokensofaffection—dried
cockroaches tiedupinribbon,bitsofpapersmeared withgumand
ST. JOHN’S,SMOKERS,NETWORKS ANDFRIENDS’69
backcopiesofTheFarmer andStockbreeder. Ona cleardayitisjustpossibleto discernwhich of the three she deteststhe most.
The Patter ofTiny Minds wasdeliciously funnyandregarded asabigsuccess. The timing wasdeliberately designed tobeoneintheeyeforthechapsinvelvet jacketsoveratFootlights. Competitively scheduled justa fewdaysbeforethe Footlights revue,it startedlatesothatifyouwerebenton an evening'sfrivolityyoucouldgotothepubandattendtheAdams,Smith,Adamsrevueaf-
terwards. Douglas, WillandMartinreckoned thatpeoplecouldnotfailto makejudicious comparisons between theirrevueandFootlights—and that theireffortwouldbe regardedasbyfarthefunnierAndsoit cameto pass. Nearlyallthereviewers enjoyedit,thoughtherewasoneslightlysuperiorreviewintheEagle—not thegreatcomic,but St.John’ssubscription-only col-
legemagazine, a wonderfully eclectic mixofcricket newsandanalysis of foreign literature (readintheoriginal, naturally). Thereviewers, Keith Jeffery andFelixHodcroft, praisetheactingofMartinandWill(Martin's “searing” LeonardCohenparodysoundstoo goodto be lost)and relishMargaret Thomas'ssinging,but aresharpaboutDouglashimself(“hehasthebiggest pose”). Theirprincipalcriticism ofthewholepieceisthatit containsstereo-
typicalworkers withstockproleaccents—undergraduates impersonating PeteandDudimitating theworking classes* Thisreview wasatypically polished Cambridge put-down, eventhough co-written bya mate,KeithJeffery, andnotintendedtobereadentirelyseriously.Nevertheless, it reflecteda preoccupation withclassthatwasnotonly ofitserabut hasneverreallygoneaway.ThegreatJohnCleesewroteand
performed oneofTV'smostenduring sketches aroundthattimewithhisillustration oftheclasssystem inwhichthediminutive Ronnie Corbett played thetokenprole.Cleese’s UpperClassTwitoftheYearhasalsolodgedlikea burrin thecollective memoryofthenation.Left-leaning publicschoolboys areoftenguiltilyhung-upabouttheirprivileged backgrounds, whichmay
explain whytherearesomanyoftheminthemediawhodissemble about theirorigins anddresslikeundercover policemen. Allsocieties havea class system, butperhaps itisonlyinBritain thatweare,asOrwell said,branded * PeterCookandDudley Moorehada popularTVseriesonatthetime,NotOnly.. . ButAlso,
which oftenfeatured thetwooftheminominously blotched macspretending tobemembers of theproletariat.
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onthetonguesothata singlevowelsoundisenoughfortheeducatedearto
placea speaker's origins. Thisis preposterous, andthusendlessly funny. Adams, Smith, Adams wereusingstapleingredients bywayofshorthand (the upper-class buffoon,thetea-makingbuildersandso on).Admittedly these arecomicstereotypes, butnotportraitsofindividuals to be sneeredat.CertainlyDouglascarednotawhitaboutsocialcredentials; creativity andbrains
werewhatheratedmosthighly. Adams, Smith, Adams's biggest crimehere wasnotsnobbery, butcliché. Adams, Smith, Adams hadanotheroutingwithThe Patter ofTiny Minds in
January1974, thistimeintheBushTheatre,abovea largepubinWestLondon’sShepherd's Bush(anareawellawayfromthebrightlightsoftheWest End).TheyaddedanotherSmithand anotherAdams,so the lineup read Adams,Smith,Adams,Smith,Adams.In fact,the extraAdamswasMary
Allen, whojoinedEquity (theactors’ union)asanAdams, andtheadditional SmithwasJohnLloyd.Itwasa hootto doit in suchan intimateandboozy
venue. Martin remembers:
Wewereonasa latenightshow—we camedownfromCambridgetodoit.Themainperformance oftheevening wasLindsey Kemp’spantomimeto the workofJeanGenet.Weweresharinga roomwithLindseyKemp,who of courseis as campas a rowof tents,anditwasquitea laugh.Oneeveningwewentto thecinema
andwatched—in thedayswhenyou'dseetwomainmoviestogether—The Wicker ManandDon't Look Now. AndinTheWicker Man,of course,LindseyKemp'splayingthepublican.Andsoitwasextraordinary,watchingthefilmandseeingthe manI'dbeenavoidingall week.
Sharing theminuscule changing roomsmusthavebeenthestuffofsitcoms, withtheyoungsters exquisitely anxious nottogiveoutanyofthewrongsignals.Douglaswasthrilledthatthe reviewmade a profitof£25foreachof them. Forthesecondtimeinthehistoryofcomedy(andpossiblyforgoodreason,the last),the show introducedthe odd notion of shavinga cat.Thisen-
tailedno harmto anymoggy; it wasa thoughtexperiment ratherlike Schrodinger’s unrealistically ambiguouscat of quantummechanicsfame. Bothwereusedto suggestabsurdity. In the surrealAdams,Smith,Adams,
ST. JOHN’S, SMOKERS, NETWORKSAND FRIENDS
71
Smith,Adamsversion,shavinga catweavesin andoutoftheprogramme—
rathercat-like infact.Doesitmeananything? Doesitstandfortheimpossibilityofromantic yearning, hemhem?Isitjusta daftideathatappealed to theirundergraduate imaginations? Herearea fewexamples:* THEROMANTIC TRADITION
MikeandJohnsitting, facing audience Johnreading newspaper, orFreud, orUsage andAbusage [LotsofPinteresque pingingwordsacrossthevoidin fraughtbut inconse-
quential fashion. Then:] J: Look,Keatswasa romantic, wasn’the? M: Mayhavebeen... J: Well,he didn’tshavecats.
MICRO PAUSE M:Yeshedid. J: Nohedidn't. M:Yeshedid!. J: Nohedidn't!
M:Look, cleverdick, doyouknowthe“OdeonMelancholy?" i Mise: M:Theonethatbegins: “No,no,gonottoLethe/Neither getyour knickersin a twist. J: That’snot what Keatswrote.
M:Yesitis,andhewentontosay:“Butwhenthemelancholy fit
shallfall,/Sudden fromheaven likeaweeping cloud/Go and shavethecat.”
J: You'remakingthatup,Mike. M: I am not!
Andsoon...Orthere'sthissong: * 1amgratefultoMaryAllenforfindingthesesketchesandtoWillAdamsandMartinSmithforlet-
tingmereproduce themhere.
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SHEERROMANCE Well,babe,it oftenseems,
I'vealways knownyouinmydreams, Youcameto mebeneaththemoon,
ThatstarrynightinearlyJune. Well,babe,I thinkI loveyou, Youmakemyheartgopitterpat, Feelingso romantic,
ThinkI'llgoandshavethecat. Thefinalsceneinthethree-part sketch hasamanandawoman talking with hopeless desireaboutdoingit (nodoubtin theaudience's mindthatit equalledsexatthispoint)beforedashingoffstageinsomeexcitement. Then therearesoundeffectsof—you've guessedit—catshaving.Describing thisin
proseisa vividreminder aboutwhyyouhavetoseesketches performed; yankedoutoftheirnaturalmedium theyflopaboutlikedistressed goldfish. Incidentally, aboutthistime,inhissecond yearatSt.John’s, Douglas met MichaelBywater, who wasin his firstyearat CorpusChristi.Michael,a dauntinglybrightman,wasstudyingEnglish,havingswitchedfromMedicine,althoughhehadoriginally plannedtobethereonanorganscholarship.
Hisinterest inthetheatrewasrathermoreconventional thantheFootlights approach, buthesometimes contributed totheirmusical interludes. Herecallsthatwhatbroughtthemtogetherwasthattheybothfancied(withthat terribleurgencyofnineteen-year-olds) a lovelywomancalledIsabel.Later shemarriedMichael (andmuchlatertheydivorced). Hewasdestinedtoreap-
pearinDouglas's lifeintheearly1980s. Butfornow,Douglas wasseldomsohappyaswhenhewasonstage performing. Heoftenremarked thathereallywantedtobeJohnCleese—he wastallenough—but wasdisappointed to discoverthatthejobhadalready been taken.Thisdid not stop him frombeingin someways a rather
Pythonesque character—mercurial, funnyandgiventooccasional attacks of ill-coordinated panic.ThenDouglas actually metJohnCleese. Douglas had comedowntoLondon toseea showattheRoundhouse andfoundhimself in theintervalstandingin thebar,byhappycoincidence, rightnextto John Cleese.Please,please,he said,for sincehe was seventeenhe had beena fer-
vidadmirerofMonty Python, pleasecouldIinterview youforVarsity magazine?
Perhaps Johnwastakenbysurprise—or itwasdifficult tosaynotosomeone
ST. JOHN’S, SMOKERS, NETWORKSAND FRIENDS
73
soearnest whocouldlookyoustraight intheeye—but hewaskindenough to assent.Indeed,it wasanexceptionally longinterview withthekindof searching questions andintelligent dialogue thathavenowbecome aliento mediacomplicit inthecelebritygame. DouglastreasuredhisinterviewwithJohnCleeseandkepta boundcopy
inthegreatcratesofstuffthatbiographers arepleased tocall“archives.” He marked onepassage inbirothatisperhaps thebedrock ofalotofsurreal humourInresponse toaquestion aboutthedevelopment ofhisparticular style, JohnCleesesaidthis: Somepeoplehavesaid,likeMartyFeldman,that it [a Cleese
sketch] hasgotaverystronginternal logic...Thatdespite thefactthat it’smad,therulesarelaiddownattheverybeginning andtherules ofthemadnessarefollowed verycarefully. Itisnota conscious thing. I thinkit comesfromthe factthatI wasa scientistanda lawyerby training...The nearestsimileI canfindto actuallywritinga sketchis
thatyoudigaround a bitinthetopsoilandallofa suddenyouhit something, a veinofsomething, andyoufollowit,andsometimes youloseit,andyouhavetotrackyourwaybacktowhereitlastwas* Yearslater,Douglaswasone of onlytwowriters—other than the Pythons themselves—who evergota writingcreditonMonty Python's Flying Circus. (Neil
Inneswastheotherone.) Monty Python occupied aspecial placeinDouglas's affections, asitdidfor an entiregenerationofBritishstudents.It wasa showthatturnedthe map upsidedown,an anarchicconvention-shatterer thatwasalwaysstimulating evenwhentheviewerswincedratherthanlaughed.Blokesofa certainage
canvoicesuchclassics asthedeadparrotsketch withwordperfect synchrony. Forthestudents whowerekidsinthesixties, Monty Python hadaplaceinour heartsratherliketheoneoccupied byThe Goon Show forthosegrowing upin thefifties. YoustillcomeacrossmenwhoonlyneedputonanEcclesorBluebottlevoiceto fallaboutpole-axedwithmirth.'Decadeslater,Douglaspro* JohnCleese alsoadumbrated theThreeLaws ofComedy: NOPUNS, NOPUNS, andNOPUNS. t Spike Milligan’s genius washugely influential onageneration offunny young men.However, the painofwriting theGoons wasnotdissimilar totheagony experienced byDouglas whenstruggling tofilla pagewithapparently effortless drollery.
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videdthesameservice forhisownfans.Douglas wasinthatgreattradition oftheGoons andMonty Python—he wrotesomethingthatbecamethespecial
property ofageneration* Despite thattoneof“we'readultsnow,anddamnhardtoplease” from Douglas's college mates, The Patter ofTiny Minds hadbeengreeted withdelight. Thethreeprincipals, according toJohnLloyd,were“easilyfunnierthananythingin Footlights.” Theywerein demandbut likethethreemusketeers, so severalinformantshaveassuredme,they had in a momentof passion
formeda pact.According tothislegend, theywouldallaudition forFootlights, anditwouldhavetotakeallofthemornoneofthem.Allforone,and oneforall.Thisunderstanding wasputtothetestwhenMartin Smith wasrecruited byCrispin Thomas toperform inaFootlights Mayrevuewithout the
othertwo,thoughas a soptheywereinvitedto be scriptconsultants. Fora whiletherewereapparentlysomedislocated noses.Douglascouldcertainly
sulk,thoughWillisrecorded byallasbeinginsanely good-natured. Theonly othertroublewiththisstoryisthatneitherWillnorMartincanremember theirlivesbeingblighted byanysuchincident. Inanyevent,allendedwell. By1974,underthepresidency ofJonCanter,MartinSmithwasthesecretary andDouglasandWillwerebothcommitteemembers,thoughtheydidnot
perform onstage. Asa performer Douglas waslargelyfrustrated, butaspartofAdams, Smith, Adams, hehelpedtowritegreatchunksofChox, the1974 Footlights show.Theintermission dividedtheshowintothetoplayerandthebottom layer(chox=chocs).Theproductionwasa knock-out. Thecastwasparticularlytalented:JonCanter,SueAldred,JaneEllison,GriffRhysJones,Martin
Smith, Crispin Thomas, animprobably hairyCliveAnderson andGeoff McGivern. (Geoff waslatertobecome FordPrefect intheradioversion ofHitchhikers,and—togreateffect—also did the voicesof DeepThoughtand the Frogstar RobotandTraffic Controller) Butamidallthatbrilliance, therewasstillno spoton stageforDouglas.
Hewasdisgruntled aboutitatthetime.Thereisa suggestion thatthecommitteestrucka dealwithhimwhereby ascompensation hecouldwrite,with WillandMartin, manyofthesketches, sothattheteamalmost became inef* Thebacklist salesofDouglas’s books bearwitness tothefactthatthenextgeneration loveshis worktoo.Attheageofnineourdaughter could recitechunks frommemory. “Those kidswillpay mypension,” Douglas onceremarked.
ST. JOHN’S,SMOKERS,NETWORKS ANDFRIENDS 75
fecttheprincipalscriptwriter. Yearslaterhewasstilla littlebitter.“Footlights wasbecominga producer’s show,”he said,“inwhichtheproducercallsthe
tune.I thinkitshouldbeawriter-performer show.” Bytheway,onesketch bythetrio,“Beyond theInfinite,” prefigured some ofthebest-known linesofHitchhikers by fouryears.Consider thisfrom Adams, Smith, Adams (1974): Faroutinthedepthsofthecosmos,beyondthefurthestreachof
man’sperception, amidsttheswirling mistsofunknown Galaxies, wherelostworldsrolleternally againstthegateway ofinfinity, inexorablyon throughmillionsoflightyearsofcelestialdarknesswe callSpace—Space—where man daresto braveindescribablyelementalhorrors,Space[therefollowsa StarTreksplitinfinitivejoke
nowtoofamiliar tobereproduced]...I can’tbegintotellyouhow faritis—Imeanitissofar.Youmaythinkit’salongwaydownthe streettothechemist, butthat’sjustpeanutstoSpace... Whythisunwillingness on behalfofhisfellowthespsto letDouglasact?It wasn'tdeliberateunkindness. MaryAllen,an actorwithimpeccable stage-
craftthinkshetendedtounbalance thegeneral performance: Douglaswasneverin a Footlightsrevue,and J thinkthat was becausehe was suchan idiosyncratic stagepresence.In a group revueyouhaveto haveyourownpresence,but alsobe ableto lose
it.Sometimes youhavetoplaysecond fiddletootherpeoplesoyou havetobeabletoblendinwiththegroup.Youneed a fluidstage presence thatyoucaneithercrankup,to be someone wildand
weirdand eccentric—a character—or you cancrankdown,to get lost in a supportingrole.Partlythroughphysicalsize Douglas
wasn'tabletodothat.Hewasn’tabletolosehisidentity... Hewashuge,andhealways lookedasifhewasabouttoburst intolaughter. Andyoufeltthatwaspartlybecausewhathewas doingwasextremelyfunny,but you alsofeltthat it wasa sortof * BenDuncan inareview inTheTimes Educational Supplement saidthatsheoccupied that“borderline between beauty andoddity wheregreatwomen comics occur, shestepsforthconfidently, acomplete original.”
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cosmiclaughterif you like—thatthe wholethingwas absurd.It
wasn'tthatpurelyironic,parodicapproach toabsurdity. Itwasan affectionate, comicapproach toabsurdity. Douglaswas a talentedactor,but Mary’scommentschimewith othersources.
Hewasnotgoodin ensemblepieces.Histimingwasnotperfect,he wasas
conspicuous asa double-decker bus,andhecouldnotdodeadpan ifyou stoodpoisedoverhimwithred-hotscrotalshears. Hewasjusttooeasily amused—especially, as one slightlyenviousfriendremarked,by his own jokes.A6’5”giantgrinningwildlyinanticipation ofa lineyettobedelivered is distracting forthe otheractorson the stage,andit telegraphswhatis to
cometo thedetriment ofthatnotoriously trickyartofcomictiming. The axiomofthespsisthis:don’tactwithanimals orchildren—to whichmight havebeenadded,norDouglasAdams. But,youmustbe wondering, wasCambridge allfun?Didn'tthe damn studentseverdoanywork?Wheredidhelivewhenhewasn’tinthepubor
onstage? Well, inhisfirstyearhehadaroomincollege (thelessglamorous “new’” bitofSt.John’s). Inhissecond yearhewasindigsinSydney Streetin ahouseforwhichDouglas couldnotmuster anatomofsentiment. Butinhis thirdyearhe sharedpalatialroomsbackin collegewithNickBurtonanda chapcalledJohnnySimpson, handilylocatednearthestudentbar.Thisac-
commodation subsequently became themodelfortheroomsofDr.ChronotisofDrWhoandDirkGently fame.Theywerebook-lined andcomfortable, witha distinctambience oferuditionandnaughtiness, afilmsetinwhichyou couldpractisefeelingverygrown-upindeed—especially ifyouwereasking someoneback for a drink, or even tea, with or without an option on your
body.Perhapsthereisnosuchthingastrueadulthood,onlybetterandbet-
terimpersonations ofit.Onsecond thoughts, thatmayonlyapplytomen. Asforacademic work,Douglasendedupwitha BAdegree,class2.2.His
tutor,Mr.KJ.Pascoe, wrotetoinformhimthathiscompulsory dissertation earnedhima high2.1,hisotheressayswereof2.2standardandthathehad actuallyfailedhistragedypaper.Douglasseemsto havedonejustenough
worktowingit,butnevertheless seemed tohavegotonwellwithhistutors iftheamiable toneoftheircorrespondence isaguide. Withhistruepassion always lyinginnon-fiction science, itisinteresting toseewhathemadeofthetraditional liberalartssyllabus. InDon't Panic hetold NeilGaimanthathewasproudoftheworkhe’ddoneonChristopher Smart,
ST. JOHN’S,SMOKERS,NETWORKS ANDFRIENDS 77
thesubject ofhisPart1Tripos English Dissertation. Having unearthed this
document, I suspectthatDouglas's giftforparodydidn’tstopshortofliterary criticism. Hecoulddo scholarship, buthe wasjollywellgoingto makesure
thatthat’showitsounded. Tryreading thechunkbelowasifyouwereAlan Bennett doinghissteeple-fingered academic (“Very fewpeoplewhoknew Kafka as| did,thatistosay,scarcely atall...”), andyouwillseewhatI mean: It wasonlyafterW.H.Bond'sdiscoveryofitsantiphonalstruc-
turelofSmart's Jubilate Agno] thatitbegantoberecognized assomethingmoreimportant—a fragment ofa failedliteraryexperiment, gigantic, perhaps bizarre, eventually outofcontrol, butnevertheless theproductofa rational andcoherent idea—the transplantation of
the rhythmsand structureof Hebrewpoetryintoan Englishreligiouspoem.
Doesthisremind youofanything? ArthurDentandFordPrefect bullshitting totheVogon captain abouthisexecrable poetryperhaps? “Oh,yes,I thought thatsomeofthemetaphysical imagerywasreallyparticularly effective. ..’* Christopher Smartwasan eighteenth-century poetwhohad alsobeen educatedatCambridge. Fromthestudent'spointofviewhehadtwovirtues:
heonlyproduced twopoemsofsignificance andhewassufficiently obscure fortheretobenobodyofknowledge withwhichone’sopinions couldbe easilychallenged. Hewastheperfectchoiceforthecleverstudentkeeneron thepubthanthelibrary.Thereisa legendthatDouglasonlywrotethreeessaysinhisentiretimeatSt.John’s.Cambridge isgoodataccommodating ec-
centrics as longas theyaretalented, andSt.John’s(whichis richfrom investments andmakes nocallonthepublicpurse) clearly recognized somethingofvalueinDouglas. However, oneessayayearwouldhavetriedthepaIt is difficultto trackdownthe tienceofeventhemostdetachedacademic. isthatDouglas wasdelinquent actualoutput,butthemostlikelyexplanation aboutgettinghisworkin ontimebut hewasforgivenonthegroundsthat whenitfinallyarrived,itsparkled.
Despite simulating thevoiceofscholarship, Douglas wasnevertheless genuinelyintriguedbySmart.MostofSmart'slifehadbeenspentdrunkand debaucheduntil,quitesuddenly, in 1756hesufferedanextremeattackofre* FittheSecond, TheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy.
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ligious ecstasy thatlefthimundera compulsion toprayinthestreets. Thisled tohiseventual confinement inaloonybininBethnal Green. (How muchdid Douglas knowabouthisfather’s experience onIona?) Onleaving theasylum Smartwrotea longpoem,ASong ofDavid, butheisbetterknownforJubilate n
Agno(“Rejoice in theLamb”), an immensemanuscriptofwhichonlya fragmentsurvives, thatwasrediscovered in 1939.Thepoemconsistsofan inter-
minablecallandresponsepattern,likea paralleltextin whichmany hundreds oflinesbeginning withtheword“Let...” arematched byanequal numberthatrelateto thembeginningwiththeword“For...”* Onlythirtytwopagesofthisremain,butforallitsoddnessandtherigourofitsconstruction,it feelspositivelyHomericin length.Fortunately someof it, though
celebrating themystery ofGod,isaboutSmart's cat,Jeoffrey (sic), andit is quitedrolltolearnaboutthisbeast’s fleasinsuchafeverishly spiritual context.Those keentotracetheprovenance oftheanswer (forty-two) mightbe interestedto knowthat linenineteenofJubilate Agnoreads:“Forthereis a mysteryinnumbers.” Douglaswouldhavegrinnedatthisover-egged connection. Nevertheless,
Smartlikedhiscat(“For theEnglish catsarethebestinEurope”) andhisline forty-two—quite bychance theantiphon toanother overexcited observation aboutthemoggy—reads: “Forheisa mixtureofgravityandwaggery.” Thisisan appositecommenton Douglashimself,forthetimewasupon himwhena youngman—albeit onefortifiedby a networkofthebrightest
mates—is flusheddowntheplughole oftheeducational systemintothe worldofpossibilities. Inthesummer of1974, heleftCambridge andsetoutuponthreerather bleakyears.
* Jubilate Agno hasalsobeensettomusic byBenjamin Britten. Religious music canbewonderful, eventheexquisite sounds ofmonks inprickly underwear singing aboutdeath,butthispieceby Britten isanacquired taste.
“Was thisreally theEarth? Was there theslightest possibility thathehadmadesomeextraordinary mistake?” SoLONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FisH
FOUR
“What goodarebrainstoa man?Theyonlyunsettle
him.”
TH
Ss eepnpy
fLarTSs
ca
P.G. WODEHOUSE
TheAdventures ofSally
fterCambridge, sofarfromreaching the“commanding heights” of theeconomy, Douglas embarked uponaneraofseedyflats.The
firstwasin a classiclocationfortransitoryaccommodation. Everycitymust havesucha placewhereno namesareeverput on doorbellsbecausethe turnoverwouldmakethetasktiresome.InLondonitisEarl’sCourt,an area
ofcliff-like red-brick Edwardian terraces known thenasKangaroo Valley becauseofthefavouritfoundwithitinerant Aussies. (TheAussies havemoved ontocolonize thewholecity,buttheextraordinary density offlatsremains.)
DouglasandMartinSmithshareda largeroomina flatin Redcliffe Gardens thatwasownedby twoupmarketandgrimlyconstipatedSloaneywomen
whoneededhelpwiththerentbutwhohatedMartinandDouglas being there(andpossibly alsoMartin andDouglas aspeople). Thesecond wasasprawling butaffordable houseinFordwych Road, Kilburn, or,as it isknownto estateagents,WestHampstead.In additionto Mar-
tin andDouglas,it containeda randycollection ofbrightrecentgraduates,
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includingNigelHess,a Man CalledPhil*a floatingpopulationof bedpartners,andMaryAllen,whowasappearingin TheRocky Horror Showin the
WestEnd. Douglas hadcometoLondon determined tomakeitasa sketch-writer, butsoonfoundthattheworldwasnotpoised waiting forhim.Aseries oftwit officejobshelpedhimcopewiththetyrannyofpayingtherent.According to NeilGaiman’s Don'tPanic, oneofthesewasasafiling clerk.Itishardtoimagineanyonelesssuitedthan Douglasto the choreoffiling.Hewouldhave
beentempted toredesign thewholesystem fromscratch, side-tracked bythe philosophical complexities ofinformation storage andthearbitrary waysin whichweorganizetheworldintodiscretecategories. Puttingbitsofpaper intofilesphysically wasforeigntohisnature.Itmusthavebeena torment.He couldhavefiledeverything under“S”forstuffor“P”forpaper;alternatively
hemighthaveplunged intominutesubdivisions ofsemantic nuanceaccessibleonlytohimself. Whennotrunning thegauntlet ofthosetemporary jobswealltendtodo afterleavinguniversitybut beforesettlingin our packetslikedetergent, Douglaspersistedin writingsketches. OnetargetwasWeek Ending, a weekly radioprogrammeon BBCRadioFour.It wasprobablythe mostsubversive
thingtobefoundontheairwaves, notexcluding TV. TheLight Entertainment department, asitwasthen,hadanadmirable recordofproducing wonderfullyfunnyand anarchicprogrammes. Thetraditioncontinuesto thisday, possiblyin partbecausethe excellentDavidHatch,then a performerand producer, isnowManagingDirectorofBBCNetworkRadio.
Back intheseventies therewasalottobesubversive about.TheYom KippurWarbetween Israel, EgyptandSyriawasthelatestofa seriesofbitter conflicts thatcontinue evennow.Thisparticular oneerupted inOctober 1973
witha surpriseattackonIsraelacrosstheGolanHeightsandSinai.Muchfutileblood-letting ensued,andwasfollowedswiftlybyanenergycrisisasthe
OPEC countries imposed anoilembargo. Asthepricesofjustabouteverythingshotup,theypassedtheeconomies oftheWestgoingtheotherway. Harold Wilson's Labour Government waselected inMarch1974, andwilyold “Wislon,”as he was known to readers of PrivateEye,ducked and dived,
trimmedandfudged,to holdhispartyandthegovernment togetherwhile * Notanescapee fromaWestern, butPhilBuscombe, a musician whohadbeenthedrummer in Footlights andwasthenworking inJesusChrist, Superstar.
THESEEDYFLATS 81
thegraphoftheBritisheconomyplungedlikeShirleyBassey’s cleavage. On
thepopularculturefront,JimmyPageofLedZeppelin appeared at Earl's Courtinsatinflairslargeenoughtohouseafamily ofrefugees, fashion victimsworecork-soled shoesfourincheshigh,digitalwatches hadjustappeared;anda certaingloomprevailed. Recentuniversity graduatesnolonger enjoyedtheheadysensethattheycouldmessaboutandstilllandon their feet.
Witha pacealmosttoofastfortheestablishment powers attheBBC to clock thefullextentofitssatirical rudeness, Week Ending excoriated thetopical follies inthenewswithalltheinhibition ofahandgrenade. Itwasextremely
funny,andboastedterrificwriterslikeDavidRenwick, AndrewMarshalland JohnMason.AndrewMarshallrecallsthe pridethiswildlytalentedbunch hadintheirideas,andhowtheyhadtowinddownattheendofa franticday
bycomparing notesinthelocalpubnearthestudio, TheCaptain's Cabin. The programme'spacemadegreatdemandson the cast.ThisincludedDavid Jason,NigelReesand BillWallace—allof whom went on to become well
knownin otherspheres—so Week Ending wasalsofertilegroundfornewactingtalent.Itsbreathless speedwasafearsomeconsumerofmaterial, afactre-
flected inthewriting credits. Evenenunciated quickly byaprofessional with precise diction, theywentonandon:everyone whocontributed a snappy one-linerwasentitledto a credit.ButDouglas’s namerarelyfeaturedamong them.TheonlypieceacceptedwastheAdams,Smith,AdamsMarilynMon-
roesketch thatthethreeofthemwroteintheirlastyearatCambridge and phoneddowntoJohnLloyd—by thenworking asa producer onWeek Ending—from aSt. John’s phonebox. Theradioproducer,SimonBrett,’whosefaithin Douglaswasto be so strategica coupleofyearslater,saidthatDouglasandWeek Ending wasoneof theworstmarriages betweenwriterandsubjectbecausethelatterwasspecif-
icallybasedonnews,andDouglas's mindjustdidn’tworklikethat.*Ican madea coolblackone.Despite Douglas * They wereexpensive untilClive Sinclair's company digital watches werea pretty neat beingsatirical aboutusape-descendants whostillthought forget therisible C5“car”) madesome idea,hedidlatergettoknow SirClive Sinclair who(let’s prices. sophisticated electronics available forthefirsttimeataffordable T NotonlywasSimon animportant tellyandradioproducer, buthehasalsowritten many enjoyablecrimenovels featuring Charles Paris, aso-soactorbut a brilliant detective. eoQuoted byJamesNaughtie interviewing Douglas onBBC Radio Four’s Book Club, 2January 2000.
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seewhy.Inphotography, inordertocompose theimageandgeteveryone withtheirfeetandheadsintheframe, youoftenhavetotakea steportwo backwards. Douglas’s viewwashugeandodd;organizing a picture,hewould havestarteda lotfurtherbackthanthat.Itwouldbe trickyforhimto take
topical politics seriously enough tofindthemridiculous—for hisperceptions hadalready expanded tothepointwherehefoundman’splaceintheuniverseabsurd. Itwouldhavebeenlikefinding yourwayacrossBirmingham usinga globe.Besides, asa writer,Douglaswasa slow,compulsive polisher. Keeping upwiththeoutputofWeek Ending wouldhavefrazzledhimtoa crisp. Geoffrey Perkins, whoasa talentedyoungproducerwasdestinedtopro-
duceThe Hitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy, saysthatatthetimeDouglas was“apar-
ticularly strangely shaped pegtrying tofitintoavariety ofround holes”: Hewasoneofmanyhonourableexamplesofpeoplewhowere actuallyverygoodwriterswho couldn'tget theirstuffonto Week
Ending. SomeverygoodwriterslikeAndyHamilton andAlistair Beatoncamethroughit,but thereareothers,likeDouglas,whodid
nothavea greatdealoftopicalorsatirical interestandwhosenaturalstylewasfarfroma pointedpiecethatplayedfora minuteand a half.He didn’thavethat sort of mind.He'dwritefive-minute sketcheswhichmeanderedoffon someamusingtack. However, Douglasdidgeta break.Chox, theFootlights revue,hadtransferred, heavilyrevised,to London’s WestEnd.DennisMainWilson,a seniorproducerfromtheBBC, wassenttolookatit,andasa resulttheshowwastelevised.Douglaswaspaid£100forTVrightstohiscontributions, a sumnotto
besneered atin1974; itmightbea fifteenth ofa younggraduate’s annual wage. TheTVversion wasnotagreatsuccess. ButtheBBC's David Hatchand SimonBretthad also seen the live show,and quicklycommissioneda radio
versionofitwhichfaredmuchbetter.“Itwasa gooddealcrisper,” JohnLloyd
recalls, “andverywellreceived—and thisdespite beingcalled Every Packet Carriesa Government Health Warning. Ithadnothing todowithChox except forthe factthatJonCanterandGriff[Rhys Jones], whowerestillupatuniversity, wereboth in it.” Anumberofthe Footlights aristocracy froma previousagewentto see Choxin itsWestEndincarnation, amongthemGrahamChapmanfromthe
Monty Python team.Graham wasenormously takenwithDouglas’s work,and
THESEEDYFLATS’ 83
invitedhimoverto hisplacein Highgate, NorthLondon,fora drink.One sketch,by Adams,Smith,Adams,about the Annual Meetingof the Crawley
Paranoid Society, wasonewhichGraham always saidhewouldhavelikedto havewrittenhimself. Douglas andGraham bothenjoyed asenseofthesurreal,anddespiteChapman beingoutrageously camp;andDouglas being joyouslyheterosexual, theygot on welland decidedto enteran informal writingpartnership. In 1974, Monty Python wasat a crossroads. Ithadentrancedthepublicfor
halfadecade, butthelastandfourthseriesofonlysixhalf-hours, broadcast from31October 1974, wasa bitpatchy. Thelinksbetween thesketches—in the pastso oftenwittyor deliberately underminingoftellyconventions— weregettingperfunctory, and the sketchesthemselvessometimestrailed awaywithoutanyattemptata conclusion. Notevenanotherviolentlyfunny
giantfootorweirdvisualpunfromTerry Gilliam couldquitecometotherescue.ThePythons hadchanged TVforever, buttheformat, oncesoliberating, wasbecoming restrictive. Theindividual teammembers werelooking to branchoutontheirown,andasa teamtheyyearnedto makemoremovies
(anddid).
GrahamChapmanhadtrainedto be a doctor’beforebeingledastrayat
Cambridge byFootlights. At63”,hewasn’t astallasJohnCleese orDouglas Adams, buthetowered overtheotherPythons, witha persona thatcame© acrossas a decentEnglishman at bay—really awfully reasonable, but indignantandbewilderedthattheworldcouldbe so strangeandcruel.Heand JohnCleeseshareda strongsenseoftheridiculous. Grahamwastheepony-
mousantihero inThe Life ofBrian (1978), athoughtful filminapolemical kind ofwaythatisalsoachingly funny. Hediedfartooyoung(atabouttheage whenDouglas himself wastodie)ofcancer ofthespine,butatthetimehe wasanestablished aristocratofcomedy. Monty Python's Flying Circus hadrecaptured a generationofviewersforthe BBC;it had achievedinternationalfame, * JohnLloyd recalls going toGraham’s houseandbeingaskedifhefancied asnog.Hedeclined. JohnrecountsthatGraham, whenverydrunk,onceemphasized someconversational pointby brandishing hiswillyonthebar.
t Graham wasalways ratherguilty aboutgiving upmedicine. Heandhispartner hadinformally adopted—in thesensethattheylooked afterhisinterests—a young Greek Cypriot boy.Graham hadalaboratory inthebasement ofhishousewherehetriedtoeducate theboyaboutmedicine. | believe theladgrewuptobeatheatrical impresario.
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wonseveral awards (including theSilver RoseofMontreux foracompilation programme), andtransformed theBeeb’s imageofslightly censorious aunty tosomethingmorelikeaninventiveharlot,thesortthatbeckonsfromdoorwaysand asksif you'dliketo try somethingunusual.It wouldnot be a grosslydaftexaggeration to saythat at the timeGrahamcouldhavedone
whatever hewanted. Another Python, Terry Jones, hadseenDouglas inrevueandhetooparticularly remembers theCrawley sketch thathadsostruck Graham. Atfirsthe
hadbeenimpressedmoreby Douglas'ssizethanhiscomedy,but he soon recognized an authentictalent.HerecallsthatDouglas, asGraham'scollabo-
rator,attended somePython scriptmeetings: HestartedworkingwithGraham,becauseGrahamhadstopped writingwithJohnat that stage.Andso Douglasstartedcomingto scriptmeetingsforthe fourthseries...Douglaswasfullofideas—I
remember hehadlotsofideas—and waskeentogetwriting. We justgotonverywell.Wehadthesamesortofmindset; weenjoyed chatting andhavingdrinks. Wewerebothinterested inrealale,so becamealechums,ifyoulike.And,ofcourse,he appearedin that fourth seriesas well,in a couple of cameos*
Sotheportents lookedgoodforDouglas, finding himself conjoined witha staratonlytwenty-two. Unfortunately, thecollaboration withGraham Chapmanproducedlittle,andevenlesswasactuallyscreened. Grahamwasnotan easypersonto workwith.TerryJonessaysthathis contributions wereintangible; he wasa manwhocouldcomein withvery oddideaswhichweregreatfun,butfora lotofthetimehewasan “offthe wallreactor.” Ofcourse,feedback—even ofthe vehement“Goodgrief,that
sucks” variety—is invaluable foranywriter, especially onetryingtobefunny.
It isa goodserviceto refinesomebodyelse’sideasbypushingthemto the breakingpoint.Douglas saidthatGrahamwouldsitthere,puffingonhispipe
* Oncehewasasurgeon andonceoneofthosesqueaky-voiced androgynous women thatthe Pythons called Pepperpot Ladies. LaterDouglas’s American publishers—desperate foracredentialthatwould meansomething tothestudent market—described himasoneofthePython teamtotheembarrassment ofall.
THE SEEDY FLATS’ 85
andlooking tweedy, butthinking very,verynaughty thoughts—occasionally interjecting onethatwouldturneverything around* ButGraham wasalso boozing veryheavily, andthatmadelifemuchmoredifficult forallthose aroundhim. Terry,whois one ofnature’sgenerousspirits,is not surethat Graham hadn’'tstoppeddrinkingbythen.“Certainly he sortoftriedto stopdrinking
whenweweredoingHoly Grail, andwasfirmlyonthewagonwellbefore we madeThe Life OfBrian.” Everybody else,however, saysthatduringthisperiod Graham wasstruggling withpotentially severe alcoholism. Andrew Marshall recallsGrahamasa manofgreatsensitivity, andthismayin partbewhyhe drank.Sometimes alcoholservesa functionlikethecontrolrodsina nuclear
reactor; theydampeverything downandkeepthesystem fromgoingcritical. Graham hadaparticular tasteforgin;hislargehouseinHighgate featured a cavernous cellarlinedononesidewithanenormous winerack—except that insteadofwineitheldbottlesofginwithstrategicreservesoftonic.Itwasa wallofgin. Thecollaboration betweenDouglasandGrahamentaileda greatdealof
goingtothepub,amusing eachotheranddrinking alot.Someoftheircolleagues attheBBC werea bitmiffed aboutthis,anditwasnota lifethat Douglascouldaffordto sustainforlong,ifonlyfinancially. Besides, Douglas wasnota heavyboozer. MartinSmithremembersthat Grahamwas very generous.Sundays
(ratherlikeThursdays whichDouglas nevergotthehangof)weredullin London inthe1970s. Thedankshadow oftheLord's DayObservance Society stilllayacross theland.“Sixdaysshaltthoulabour, andontheseventh thou shalthaveno funat all”wastheeffectit wrought.Nothingmuchwasopen apartfromthe pubs,andthelicensinglawsgaveyoua narrowwindow,as
theysaynow,fordrinking andattenminutes beforeclosing timeyouwere chivvied tostopbyapublican withavoicelikeaKGB interrogator. Graham, knowing thatDouglas andMartin werebroke,wouldoftenphonethemon Sundayandaskiftheyfancieddinner.Theyalwaysdid,andwouldeithergo up to Highgateto Graham’s houseor outto a restaurantwheretheywould
eatanddrinktoomuch.Graham likedHelepi, a jollyGreekrestaurant in Bayswater, a lot. * SeeMonty Python Speaks byDavid Morgan (Fourth Estate, 1999)—a mustfortheserious Python buff.
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GrahamChapmanwasn'ttheironlyPythoncontact.Martinrecallshow EricIdlealsotriedto helpthemontothescreen:
Sometime in1975, whenDouglas andIwerelivinginFordwych Road,EricIdlesuggested thathewouldbeabletogetusintoRutlandWeekend TV(whichwasaboutto go intoproduction) as extras... Sadly,thiswasthetimewhenEquity[theactors’union]was run byCorinRedgraveandtherewerestrictrulesofentryintothe profession. Youalmosthad morechanceofgettingan equitycard
bycontributing tothefreedom fighters ofMozambique thanyou didbyflashinga BBCcontract. Butfora leftistthespianregime, Douglas mighthavemadeitasaperformer, afterall! OneofDouglasandGraham'scollaborations wasan SFcomedyintendedto beanAmerican TVspecialandavehicleforRingoStarr,thoughitnevercrept
asfarasthepilotstage. ItisapityasRingo thespace-going chauffeur sounds aniftyidea.Aprogramme thatdidappear—if thatisnottoopositive aword foran unannouncedlate-nightscreening on BBC2—was a miscellany called OutoftheTrees. Oneveryfunnysketch,whichDouglas wrotewithGrahamand BernardMackenna, startedoffwitha romanticman(SimonJones)pickinga
peonyforhisgirlfriend andadvanced, inexorably, tothermonuclear war.Another,thatbecamequitefamous,focusedon the domesticlifeof Genghis
Khan. Genghis hasbeensosuccessful thatbitbybithehasbeentransformed intoa harassedbusinessexecutive jugglinghisdiaryto seeifthereisa windowforhisfinancialadvisor.Allthatpillaging, sweepingacrossthesteppes
withgolden hordesandwhatnot, wasjusttoofatiguing. Onehasone’speopleforthatkindofthing.Itappeared againina slightly different formina Comic Relief anthology, andyearslatertheideawasrecycled andexpanded in a shortstoryin TheSalmon ofDoubt. NeilGaimanquotesDouglasassaying thatitwasinspiredbyGraham’s mutteringsabouttheothermembersofthe Pythonteam*
Asketch thatdidgetmade(theproducer wasBernard Thompson) showed thatexhilarating zoom-lens lurchfromthecosmic tothelocalthatwasone ofDouglas's favouritetropes.Itstartedlikethis: * Don't Panic byNeilGaiman (Titan Books, revised edition 2002).
THESEEDYFLATS 87
STOCKFILMOFGALAXIES ETC.FOLLOWED BYPLANETS FOLLOWED BYTHEEARTH Voice Over
Theuniverse, amultitude ofmightygalaxies, withineachgalaxy a myriadmightystarsystems,withineachstarsystema multiplicityofmightyplanets—and in justoneofthesemightyplanetsthe
mightyBritish Railelectric train...
Ofcourse, thePythons’ smashing (andperversely cheering) Galaxy songdoes
showthattheytoohadasense oftheridiculously oppressive scaleoftheuniverse,sothatvertiginous dropfromthecosmicto theparticularwasjustas Pythonesque asAdamsy. Aftergraduation, twoAdams,Smith,Adamsrevueswereproduced. SoYou
Think You Feel Haddocky wasstagedwithGailRenard, theCanadian comedy writerandperformer, intheLittle Theatre (now, alas,Stringfellows) inSt.Martin’sLaneinLondon’s WestEndintheautumnof1975. Cerberus wasputona yearearlierat the ADCin Cambridge. Thetitle couldhavebeena self-
deprecating reference to theshowbeinga doglooking in alldirections at once,butinfactitwasbecause Douglas, WillandMartin werephotographed ina clumpwiththeirthreeheads, likesomeghastly recombinant DNA exper-
iment,projecting fromanimprobable tangleofbody.Theprofitswerealmost imperceptible, andDouglasstillhadto payhisshareoftherent.
Another Adams, Smith, Adams sketchboughtbytheMonty Python team wastheinfamous oneaboutDeadMarilyn Monroe thathadenjoyed a brief outingforWeek Ending. TheMarilyn cultwasgoingstrongat thetime(and hasn'tabated) andthewriters thought itwastimethattherelentless recycling
wasgivena badtasteSwiftian spin.Thebasicideawasto getherin everything.A directorwantedherin hisnextmovieevenifit meantdiggingher
up.Cremation wasa problem here,ofcourse. Martinrecalls thattheyeach got£25fortherights. Itwassatisfying tobeappreciated, buthardlylucrative. Douglas alsoworked withGraham Chapman onanepisode oftheestablishedTVcomedyseriesbasedontheDoctor booksbyRichardandMaryGordon.Thenovelsusedto sellin considerable volumeandtherewasquitea reservoirof affectionforthem.Therewerefifteen—Doctor intheHouse, Doctor in
Clover, Doctor intheNude...—on whicha seriesofengaging British comedy filmshadbeenbasedwithDirkBogarde starring asaningénumedico. These
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werefun,thoughbymodernstandards quiteold-fashioned, andcharmingly innocent: having a flutteronthehorsesandsliding offtoplaygolfwereconsidered deeply wicked. GrahamandDouglasmappedouttheDoctor narrativeinsomedetail,devisingthe cliffhangers, playingwiththe deadlyhospitalrivalries, inventing the cringe-making surprisesand workingout howmanysetswouldbe
useofthe thederogatory buffs(wherefore needed.Forcausalantecedent word“anorak”?—it isaperfectly usefulgarment), theelaborate clockwork of the plotfeaturesa bookie’srunnerwho has to pretendto be a medical studentin frontof a particularlyfrighteningSeniorConsultant—a James RobertsonJusticefiguregreatlyresemblingDouglas'sfather.Unluckily the
Thescriptstatesthattheanquestion. runnerisaskeda medical bookmaker's swerisa numberwhichtherealstudenthastocommunicate frombehind theConsultant's backusingtic-tac(thehandsignals thatbookmakers useto conveyoddsacross a racetrack).Historydoesnotrecordifthenumberwas forty-two.
WhenJohnLloydhad comedownfromCambridge, he had been especially theuniversities, whichscouted upbytheBBC snapped promptly Oxbridge, forgraduate trainees. Nobody isasengaging asJohnLloyd when
he’stryingto exercisecharm.JohnHardress-Lloyd hailsfroma rathergrand Anglo-Irish family, thoughhesaysthathisbranchwasthepoorone.Hewent
toKings School, Canterbury, dropping thehyphenated bitfromhisname— aswasfashionable atthetime. John’s careertookofflikeanICBM. (After hisglittering startinradio,he wentontobecomethemostsignificant TVcomedyproducerofhisgenerationwithSpitting Image, NottheNineO'Clock NewsandBlackadder to hiscredit.) SoonhewasproducingWeek Ending, andwasinvolvedwitha hostofother
radioprogrammes, becoming frantically busy.AfriendofJohnsaysthatat the time,whenevertwoor moreof his contemporaries weregatheredtogether,theytendedto practisea nicelinein Lloydieparodies.Theywent alongtheselines:“I'mso,sojealousthatyouhavetimeto offermea beer.If onlyI could.Suchanenviablequalityoflife—amomentto oneselfto think.
OhGod.Ihaveatleast ahundredprogrammes toproduce, andthreeattractivewomen tojuggle. Shit.Isthatthetime?” Somehow Johnwasalsoableto directthe1975 Footlights revueParadise Mislaid. JohnandDouglashadbeenfairlyclosepalsin Cambridge, but onceestablishedbackin the big city,theybecamewhatJohncalls“utterlybest
THESEEDYFLATS’ 89
friends.” Indeed, Douglas hadanumber ofextraordinarily closefriendships in whichheofteninvested morethantheycouldbear.JaneBelson reckons this wasa recurringpatternin hislife:intensefriendships that sometimesdied awayor endedin hurtfulschism.HisfriendshipwithJohnwaslikeoneof
thosedeepbestfriendrelationships thatonehasatschool, founded notjust onpersonal sympathy butasanalliance against theworld,andthusina senseitdepended ontheworldtreating thembothequally. Itwasalsomade morecomplexby a needlingbone-deepcompetitiveness, the suppressed premiseof theirfriendship,and the mirrorimageof theirgreatpersonal
warmth, Thetension ofthingsleftunsaidwastoerupteighteen months later overthewriting ofthefirstHitchhiker's novel. Douglas andJohnusedtohangouttogether, particularly inTootsie’s, a hamburgerjointin NottingHillGate,witnessto numerouslongconversationsaboutjustabouteverything. Eventually too,DouglasmovedfromKilburn,andsharedwithJohna ratherpokeyflatownedbyBernardMackenna,
theactorandwriter(whose namehealmostappropriated inSoLong, And Thanks forAlltheFish), notfarawayinGreencroft Gardens—a location which inRealEstate Speakalsopurports, justabout,tobeinWestHampstead. This
wasthefirstoftheirvarioussharedlodgings; Douglaswouldoftensquatin John’stinyofficeat theBBC,andJohnwouldsometimes goup to Highgate
todrinkwithDouglas andGraham Chapman inthepub.Thesemarathon drinking sessions tendedtobeginthesameway,withthethreeofthemdoing thecrossword ineverynational paperwithinhalfanhour.Thiscouldhave beenjustfun,akindofintellectual limbering up,ora moreself-conscious advertisement ofcleverness. Sharinga flatwiththe awesomely successful JohnLloydmusthavein-
ducedmoments oftristesse, especially whenDouglas wastryingtowriteand thefickle muserefused eventoflirt.Consider thisusefuldefinition fromThe Deeper Meaning ofLiff:
Boinka(n) Thenoise through thewallwhich tellsyouthatthepeople nextdoor enjoy abettersexlifethanyoudo. MaryAllendescribesanepisode,inCorfu,ofwhatshecallsanall-timeterribleholiday.DouglasandJohnplannedtogooutthereandwrite,allontheir ownwithnofriends,visitorsorotheraccretions. Nothingwoulddistractthem
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fromthe Zenpurityofthe beachandthe disciplineofthe typewriterBut somehow, thiswasnotto be.Therentedvillafilledupwithmates.Douglas,
fargoneinlove,madeelaborate plansfora female friendtocomeandjoin them—and, without consulting her,tosleepwithhim.Thetrouble was,heset aboutitwiththesubtletyofa brick.Therewasmuchanticipatory jugglingof thebedrooms. Intime,blokesattainsufficient sophistication (pleaseGod)to knowthat
women hatebeingtakenforgranted, butattwenty-three youareblinded by hormones.Youarequitesurethatifyoudon’thavesexsoon,youwilldie. What'smore,manywomen—though theywantchapstocareandtryhard— findit unappealingifmencomeacrossasdesperate. Theiranxietyputstoo muchfreightona relationship toosoon.Thewomaninquestion,whobyall accountswassensitiveandquitelovely,endedupgettingoffnotwithDoug-
las,butwithJohnLloyd. LatersheandDouglas didgettogether, butitended unhappily. Thereafter Douglas wasneverentirely onanevenkeelonthesubjectofJohnLloydandwomen. In 1976, thecollaboration withGrahamChapmanwasdrawingto a close aftereighteenmonths.HeandDouglashadenjoyedthemselves, anddrunk
prodigious quantities ofalcohol, buttheirpartnership hadproduced littleof a concrete nature.Theirrelationship becamestrained whenDouglas was draftedin to helpwithGraham's autobiography, called,withdisarming frankness, ALiar’s Autobiography (1980). ThereisnoevidencethatDouglas's rdle wasasbigor asformalasthatofa ghostwriter—indeed therewereseveral co-writerson thisbook,so Douglas'sinvolvementseemsto havebeen small.
However, asanypublisher canconfirm, therelationship between biographicalsubject andghostwriter isoftenhorribly vexed. Ifthereisonethingover whichpeopleareentitledto feelproprietorial, it’stheirownlife,andthey hatedescribing itinsomebodyelse’swords.Theghostwantsthebooktobe a goodbook,butthesubjectwantsto presenta goodlife,howeverthatmay
beconstrued. Thetwoambitions arenotalways compatible. Absurdly, bothGraham andDouglas arenowdead,sowemaynever knowwhytheircooperation wasnotmorefruitful.DorothyParkersaidthat theworldisstackedagainstcomicwritersbecausetherestofus—notexcludingthosewhowouldratherbe dippedin sumpoilthanriskliteraryjudge-
ment—exercise therighttosay“that’s notfunny.” Bythetimea writerhas looked atajokesixteen times, rotated itthrough ninetydegrees, changed the context twiceandtweaked thepunchline, itisgenuinely difficult totellifitis
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funny.Therearemanyreasons whysomuchcomedy iswrittenbyteams (company, personalchemistry, complementary skills,livedialogue prac-
tice...),butcertainlyoneofthemishavingsomebodyaroundtoconfirmthat thegagactuallyworks.HowevermuchDouglasandGrahammusthavefelt
theyneeded eachother, withtheclarity ofretrospect twosuchdistinct talents wereneverlikelytobecompatible. Laterthatyear,Douglas wasinvited backtoCambridge todirecttheannualFootlights revue,AKick intheStalls. ButFootlights hadchanged,starting withthe saleofthe clubroomforredevelopment as a shoppingcentre.Insteadofa queueofthebrainiestyoungextroverts, poisedononefoot,breath
held,yearning tostruttheirstuffuponthestage,therewasafeeling abroad thatperhaps theclubwas a bitupitself, tousethatusefulidiom, andnotentirelythethingto dointhegrimmid-seventies. Douglas hadtobeatthe busheslookingfortalent.Theshowitselfhad a generallymixedreception* untilitwasoverhauled byGriffRhysJones,whotookittotheEdinburgh Fes-
tivalandmadeitwork.JohnLloyd remembers itasoverly complicated and thinksitwasamistake togetDouglas todirect. “Hedidn’thavea singledirectororproducer geneinhiswholegigantic genome. Griff, ontheother hand, is a born director.”
JohnandDouglasalsoworkedonanotheridea,Sno7andtheWhite Dwarves. (Awhitedwarfisanastronomical termfora smallishstarwitha highsurface
temperature butlowintrinsic brightness.) Asuperior intelligence wasplanningtousesupernovae foradvertising purposes, andmankind wasdoomed because oursunwasdestined tobethefullstopundertheexclamation mark
oftheslogan.JohnLloydwastoldbytheBBCthatSFwas“veryfifties” (this wastheyearbeforeStarWars) andthattherewasno marketforit.It sounds
asifitwouldhavebeen a blast. LaterthatyearDouglas hadanotherrebuffwhenheandJohnprepared a filmtreatment basedonTheGuinness Book ofRecords. MarkForstater had
acquiredthe rights,and Johnand Douglasinventeda raceof maniacally competitive aliens(‘notunlikethe Vogons,” Johnpointsout)whothreaten to destroythe Earthunlesshumanitycouldbeatthemin a kindof inter-
galactic Olympics. Thealiens wereunassailable atanything thatneeded a talentforviolence, butwerenotsohotatwalking backwards andeatingpickled eggs.JohnandDouglas werepromised atriptotheWestIndiestomeetthe * “Mixed” isshowbiz code forsnotty.
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mightyRobertStigwood, he ofthe eponymousorganization, to discussthis further,butatthelastmomentit allfellthrough.
Douglas andJohnthenmovedagain, thistimetoRoehampton, anaffluentbutsomewhat inaccessible WestLondon suburbfamous foritsestateof LeCorbusier-style blocksofflatsthatwinprizesbut arehorribleto livein. John,histhengirlfriend, HelenRhysJones,andDouglasmovedintoa house fullofdoiliesandchinaknick-knacks (theywerethelandlord’s andtheyhad a highmortalityrate).Aftera whiletheywerejoinedbya neuroticAmerican
whowaspronetoattackthegardenvegetation onthegrounds thatitwas untidy. Likethebear,Horace, inthekiddies’ story, everydayLloydie wouldgoout hunting—orratherto the BBC—and Douglaswouldmoonaboutin his
room,whichwasfullofwardrobes;and sleep.AndrewMarshallrecallsDavid
Renwick telling himthatDouglas actually slepta hellofalot,and,thoughwe shouldbewaryofglibjudgements, thiscansignify a kindofchemical depression. Healsotookmanybaths,partlyforpleasure andcomfort. Thebaths helpedhimtothink,anditwassomething to do.Johnreportsthatoccasionallyhe wouldcomehomeaftera dayforgingandcleavingat the BBCand
findDouglas exactly ashehadlefthimthatmorning—in bedortakinganotherbath.Hemusthaveenteredthebathlikea plum,and emergedas a
prune—a verycleanprune. Douglascan'thavebeena tremendously jollyflatmateforJohnLloyd. Writingis a solitarycraft,andwritersareself-absorbed evenat thebestof times(justoneofthe manypersonalitydisordersto whichtheyareprone,
alas). Authors whoknowtheyhavetalent, butwhoarefailing, areentitled to feeldark.OnceJohn—out ofexasperation andnotcruelty—suggested to Douglasoneeveningthathereallyoughttogoout.Johnwashavingfriends round,andDouglaswassomiserablethathewouldhavecastan effluvium ofgloomovertheproceedings.
PooroldDouglas musthavebeenina state.Hisself-esteem wasalways asfragile asasoapbubble. Topayhiswayhetook aseriesofsillyjobs,subsequently immortalized by anecdote. Hisfavourite fromthisperiodwas whenhe wassingle-handedly holdingbackthe drilledhordesofterrorists, creditors,disgruntledbookmakersand generalne’er-do-wells froman in* There weresevenwardrobes, according tolegend. ItmusthavefeltlikethesetofoneofBeckett’sabsurdist dramas.
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conceivably wealthyArabfamily(notthatasinglemiscreant turnedup).After answeringan ad in theLondon Evening Standard, he hadbeentakenon as a
bodyguard toasheikh. Hemusthavebeenemployed onthegrounds ofsize alone;manyprofessional guardsarewiry,quickandneat.Douglas would havebeenappalled byviolence andwouldnothavebeenmuchcopatdishingit out,but,intermsofpayperunitvolumeofguard,theclientsgottheir money’sworth.Douglashadto sitfortwelvehoursat a timeinthecorridor oftheDorchester Hotel,justincase.According tomyth,hisemployer hadan
income of£20,000,000 perday,a figurethatseemsimprobable evenbythe standardsofoil-richsheikhs.Evendividedbyten,however, thiswouldstill nothavebeenafamilyontheedgeoftheabyss.Douglas usedtotellthestory of themgoingto the diningroomand orderingfromthe stunnedwaiter everything onthemenu—the wholelota lacarte—so asto ascertainifthere
wasanything thatpiqued theirjadedfancy. Itwasathousand pounds’ worth. Nothing reallydiditforthem,andtheylatersentoutforhamburgers. Another pleasure available ona personal delivery basisalsoappeared
whileDouglaswaskeepinghisvigilinthehotelcorridor. Oneeveningthere steppedout fromthe lift a truly spiffingprostitute—a top-of-the-range
modelofsuchsexiness thatstrongmenhadtobitetheirknuckles tostop themselves whimpering. Douglas looked upfromhisbook,andbetween the twoofthemacomplicit lookwasexchanged, onethatacknowledged thefundamentalsimilarity oftheirposition.“Itseemedto saywe'rebothtarts,”said Douglas,“andshewasn’twrong.”Whensheleftan hourlater,shelooked downatDouglassittingathispostandsaidina pleasantly modulatedvoice:
“Atleastyoucanreadwhileyou'reonthejob...” Despite hislowmorale, hedidgetittogether togowithsomefriends to thatyear’sEdinburgh Festival FringeinAugustwithashowcalledTheUnpleasantness atBrodie's Close—a wryallusiontoDorothyL.Sayers’s TheUnpleasantness attheBellona Club. Brodie’s Closeistheactuallocationofthevenuein Edin-
burgh;it’saMasonic hall.JohnLloyd recalls thatthelighting wasaswitch on thewall.(Ifyouareunfamiliar withtheEdinburgh Festival, it’sworthgoing at leastoncefora manictouroftheculture.TheFestival wasrelatively sane inthe 1970s, butit hasgotbiggerandbiggereversince.Oncea yearit takes overthat highlyrespectablealbeittourist-wracked city.Therangecovers
everything fromWittgenstein’s doorknobs toinstallation art.) Theshowwas a seriesofsketches writtenbyDavidRenwick, Andrew Marshall, JohnLloyd, JohnMasonandDouglas. JohnMason, whooscillated
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between sketch-writing andthehigh-level teaching ofmathematics, hadorganized thevenueandkindly (recklessly?) underwritten thecostofhire.Typically, Douglas’s contribution wasthelasttoarrive, andtherewassomedoubt
thathewouldmakeit at all,forguardingthesheikhpaid£100perweek— evenwithoutoccasional colossaltips,thatwasseriousmoneyifyouwere
broke. Whattiedtheshowtogether, moreorless,wastherunning gagofacoupleina railway station(akintoBrief Encounter) urgently tryingtomovetheir
relationship forward,butbeingforeverinterrupted. Thecouple'sfrustrations anticipatedthe touchingscenein SoLong,andThanks forAlltheFishwhen ArthurDentishopelessly tryingto conveyhislovetoFenchurch intheteeth
ofa relentlessly attentive lotteryticketseller. Likeeverywriter, Douglas was wonttorecycle goodideas.Doesthisdetract fromhiscreativity? Nota bit.It isworthprintingthisinboldanditalics:execution is all. Therevuestarredthe “Brodie’s CloseRollers” (theegregiousBayCity Rollersweredominatingthe pop chartsat the time).TheBrodie’sClose
Rollers wereDouglas, JohnLloyd, JohnMason, Becky Fanner andGeoffrey Farrington (bothperformers ratherthanwriters), andDavidRenwick. Andrew
Marshall hadbeenobliged toscuttle backhometoateaching jobbeforehe
couldgetonstage.DouglasclaimedhimasthemodelforMarvin,thePara-
noid Android*though Marvin,for reasons too involuted to be described here,was alsothe nicknameof MartinSmith.Fromthe literarypoint ofview
Marvinwascloserto Eeyore inWinnie thePooh. Douglas confessed thathe foundthismelancholy animal inspirational. Years later,whenhereadWinnie thePoohtohisdaughter, Polly,hewasstruckagainbyhowverysimilarMarvin andEeyorewerein tone.Andrewis nowa successful TVwriter.David Renwick wentontobecomeoneofthecountry’s topscreenwriterswiththe
likesofJonathan Creek andthecreation ofOne Foot intheGrave. Lloydie himself is noslouch, especially atcrispone-liners. Itwasaformidably talented team. Theyevenproduced a promotional T-shirt. Twoin fact.Oneborethe
enigmaticcommercial message: “IhavebeenUnpleasant at Brodie’s Close.” Theotheronecarriedthesurreallegend:“SohaveI...”Theplanwastowalk * Andrew hasaffectionate memories ofDouglas, butatthetime feltthatbeing identified with Marvinwas alittleover-personal. Wearecomplex creatures, notcartoony caricatures, and—though heknewDouglas wasentirelywithoutmalice—Andrew wasjusta bitcheesedofftobecarrying thissandwichboardadvertising hisidentity aroundthemediaworld.
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aroundEdinburgh sidebyside.Theymusthaveattracted someattention eitherwalking information, orsingly. DavidRenwick, whohad firstmetDouglasin the writers’roomat the BBC's AeolianHallinNewBondStreet,recalls:
TherewasalsoanoddsketchofDouglas’s abouta cerealmanufacturer whoputdeadjellyfish incerealpackets asagiveaway, and wassurprisedwhenit didn’thelpsellmorecornflakes. Thestage wasso smallthat we had to hidebehindthe two curtainsat the sidesoftherostrumin orderto change.I rememberDouglas'slarge
bottomprotruding frombehindthecurtainwhenhehadtodress upasLongJohnSilver... Douglas andI hadtosharea room,too. HewasreadingDombey andSon[Dickens wasoneofhisfavourite writers],andhe usedto talkinhissleepsometimes. It’sa pityI cannotrememberwhathe said.
JohnLloyd remembers thosecurtains behindwhichtheyhadtochange. “Just ordinary window curtains,” hesays,“designed topreventpeopleoncherry pickerslookingin on secretMasonicrituals.” Headds:“Douglas gotterribly upsetonenightinabarbecausehejustwasn’tgettinganylaughs.Everytime
hespoke, theaudience fellrespectfully mute.AtthetimeDouglas wassportinga huge,black,piraticalbeard,andaftera fewlagersweworkedoutthat
thiswastheproblem. Enormous manwithveryloudvoiceintinycramped hallpreceded bytenebrous efflorescence offollicles... Hewassimply terrifyingtheaudienceintosilence. Thatnightheshavedofftheoffending item,and afterthat everythingwasfine.”Andrewsaysthat Douglas’s almostuncon-
tainable joyinperforming wasquiteinfectious, andthatmadehisoccasional lapsesinstagecraft forgivable. Brodie’s Close wasahugesuccess. ItfilledtheMasonic halleverynightand the run wasextendedforanothertwodaysby populardemand.Unfortunately,thehallcouldonlyholdseventy-five people,thoughtheysqueezedin ninety,sotherevuemadenomoney—not thatthat’sthereasonwhypeople
takeshowstotheEdinburgh Fringe. Theyhopenottolosetoomuch,enjoy themselves and,perhaps, togarnerenough smartattention totaketheirshow ontoamorecommercial incarnation. TheBrodie’s Close Rollers succeeded in twoof theseambitions:theyhad enormousfun and did nothingto their bankbalances.
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MaryAllenrecallsDouglasaslistlessandbrokeatthistime.Shefeltsorry
forhim,butsheneverwenttobedwithhim.(“We oncecameveryclosein Cambridge,” sheremembers, “buttalkedaboutMacbeth allnightinstead.”) Douglas wasindeedbrokebythistime,andhisoverdraft wasgrowing with thekindofinexorability thatonehopesistoogradual forthebankmanager
to notice. AndrewMarshallpossessesan acuteif slightlylugubrioussenseofhumour.Heand Douglasgoton verywell.Andrewremembersgoingallthe
wayouttoRoehampton ononeoccasion andfinding Douglas inpoorspirits.HesatupallnightwithhimwhileDouglas cheered upandtheytalked aboutIdeas.Douglasenjoyedideas;he likedto sneakup on them,likea mugger,fromunexpecteddirections. Buthe hadlittlesmalltalk,something thatwasbothendearingandrude,forsometimes thesmallchangeofhuman
discourse isasimportant asthebigstuff.Andrew thinksthatwhatcame across asrudeness wassometimes fear.ForallDouglas’s Cambridge dazzle, he couldfindconfident, cleverpeoplea bitdaunting. Andrew recalls thatthey talkedhugelyuntilthe sun cameup.Theyhad bothrecentlyreadRobert Sheckley’s classicofstoned,wittySF,Dimension ofMiracles, andtheywereex-
hilarated byit. Douglas's writing career, despite Brodie’s Close, wasstillwretched. Theopportunity ofworking withoneofhisheroes fromMonty Python haddissipated ina cloudofgin.Thescript-writing wasgoingnowhere,thesketches wereinconsequential, hislovelifewasnon-existent, hewasbroke.What'smore,he
sharedaflatwithagolden boywhoselifeonthesunlitpastures wasamockingreminder ofhisownlackofachievement. Despite knowing hehadtalent, hefeltprettywashed up. Thatsummer, 1976, hadbeenthesecondoftheworstdroughtinliving memory—the upperreachesoftheThamesdriedup completely, andthere wasevenan unfortunateMinisterofDrought.Thecountryside wasparched
brownandgasping foradrinkofwater. Finally, asautumncreptintowinter, itstartedraining again—and moreorlessdidnotstopforayear.ForDouglasitwasthepathetic fallacy writlarge. Hisspirits hadbeenfalling monthby month;he was later to describethat year as the worstof his life.
In 1991,lookingbackat his miserywiththe perspectiveof one who knowshemovedon,hegaveaninterviewto DannyDanziger oftheIndependent:
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I totallylostconfidencein myabilityto write,or to perform,or to do anythingat all...and wentintoa catatonicspiralofdepres-
sion.I suppose because ofmybackground, havinggrownupasthe childofdivorced parents, a typicalsortofshuttlecock kid,whenI get depressedI tendto feelsuperfluous,that the worldis actually better off without me, and that the world is not interested in my
welfareat anylevel.WhenI wasin thisstateofdepression,I kept
tryingtofindactivities thatwouldstopmybraingoingroundand roundand round.Oneday I decidedto learnGerman,and went
andgotmyselfa pileofTeachYourself German books,andspent every singlewakinghour poringover those books.And by a strangecoincidence, attheendofthemonthI happenedto wander intothegarden,andtherewasa womanlookingforsomeonewho usedto be in theflat,andshewasa German.SoI satandtalkedin
German withheranddiscovered thatI haddoneincredibly well. Butsincethen I'veneverspokenGerman,and I|don’tthinkI remembera word*
Despite themorale-lifting effectoflearning German, byNovember hewas closetonervous collapse. Ina spasmofimpatience andgeneral misery, he decided thathewasnevergoingtosucceed asawriter. Acomplete existen-
tialupheavalwouldpickhimup andputhimdownagainsomewhere else— somewherehappier.Heappliedfora job,“aproperjob,”withJardines,the
well-known finance andtradinghouseinHongKong, andhewasaccepted. Fortunately forhismillionsofreaders,hemusthavereconsidered.
Hissubsequent retirement tothecountryside wasverymuch a retreat, “blackdog”ofdepression may andoneinwhichhefelta failure.Churchill’s but it wascertainlysniffingaround not havebeena constantcompanion, andlookingfora goodtimewithhistrouserleg. Dorset,hisoldroomwaswaitingforhim,rentMeanwhile in Stalbridge,
free.Atanytimehismumwasgladtoseehimandextendthecomforts of home-cookingand family life.Ron,Janet's second husband, the vet, was
kindlyandalwaystookan interest,andDouglaswasfondofLittleJaneand James,hishalf-siblings, thenagedten andeight.(Once,manyyearsbefore, * Douglas Adams talkstoDanny Danziger, “The Worst ofTimes,” theIndependent, 11March 1991.
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duringtheschool hols,Douglas hadbeeninthehouseworking whileinfant James hadbeenupstairs, asleep. Leaving Douglas incharge, Janetnippedout onanerrand.Whenshereturned,youngJameswassittingonthesofalookingatDouglas withwide-eyed fascination. “Ohdear,”shesaid,“didhedisturb
you?” “Notatall,Mum,” replied Douglas. “Ithoughthemightbeabitlonely upthereandbroughthimdown." Itisdebatable whoneededwhosecompanythemore...) Douglas's roomwasevenruralenoughtoofferaviewofa pigsty,though atthetimethiswasbeingknockeddownin orderforthesiteto be redevelopedasanoldpeople’shome.YoungJamesThriftwasfascinated bytheJCB
whichwasknocking thestuffing outofthepigsty (though foroncethemore robustidiomwouldbeliterally accurate). Thedriverofthisimpressive machineapparently kepta loadofpornomagsundertheseat.Douglas would havebeenstaringoutofhiswindowatthiswhilecudgelling hiscerebrumfor a reallygoodidea.The“ah-ha!” criticalresponseisto be distrusted, but one can'thelpthinkingofthe openingsceneofHitchhikers whenArthurDent's
houseisflattened bythelocalcouncil's bulldozer. Following hisstrategic withdrawal toDorset, Douglas plannedtheodd raidonthemetropolis to deliverworkthatwouldbe irresistible to producers,andtonetwork.Inthemediaparishyouhaveto remindpeoplethatyou stillexist.Thatwasthe plan—andthat,amazingly giventhe successrateof
mostexistential granddesigns, wasmoreorlesshowitworked out. Mercifully, inthenewyearDouglas wasindeedrescued. JonCanter, his wittyfriendfromCambridge andamanofkindness andsensitivity, hadvisitedhimoverChristmas andhelpedto cheerhimup.Janetremembers Jon withaffection. Atfirstshewasnotsureifhe couldjoinin thefestivities Jon
isJewish), butJanetsoondiscovered thatthereisnotmuchthatwillkeephim froma party.Jonwassharing a houseinIslington withanotherCambridge pal,Jonathan Brock, whohadplayed opposite Douglas intheADC inSheridan’sTheRivals. Whynot,suggested Jon,comebacktotown,kipontheirvast sofa,kickouttheblackdog,andlaysiegetotheBBConceagain? Atthispointtherere-entersintoDouglas's lifeanotherfigureoflegend, SimonBrett,then a LightEntertainment Producerat the BBC,a blokefor
whomtheword“urbanity” couldhavebeencoined. Comedy at theBBC was inastateofchange. Itwasonlyin1967 thattheprogramme designations had
changedfromtheHomeService, theThirdProgramme andsoon,to Radios One to Four (RadioOne,the pop station,had occasionedmuchsoul-
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searchingaboutwhetherit wasreallythe kindofthingthe BBCshouldbe doing.) InfactSimonremembers thatthewholeinstitution waspoisedbetween
thegenerations. Awholestratum ofproducers whohadjoinedtheBBC after thewarwasintheprocess ofretiring, andhespenta lotoftimegoingtotheir partiesandwishing themwell.Perhaps theywereabittweedy, butbyand largetheywerea decentandhumorouslot.“Therewerestilla lotofchaps withcravats,” Geoffrey Perkinsrecalled, “andI hadoneproducerwho,with thearrivalofstereo,turnedthestudiofloorintoanumberedgridandmoved
actorsaroundfromsquaretosquareasiftheywereonmanoeuvres.” Somebrilliant comedy, particularly theGoon Show, hademerged fromNationalServiceandarmylifein general,and a generationofproducershad sharedthe advantageofa similarbackground* (Mindyou,not allofthem wereupto speed:oneniceoldchapaskedSimonratheranxiously: “Whatis
this‘goon’showthatIkeepreading about?”) Simon quotes JohnPeel, theDJ withtasteandnowa RadioFourpresenter, as observingthatBBCcomedy wasallrun by ex-bomberpilots.Bythe mid-seventies the bomberpilots werehanginguptheirheadphones andtheBBCwaspursuinga policyofrecruitingcleveryounggraduates, mainlyfromOxbridge. SimonhadalwayslikedDouglas’s workaswellasDouglas, theman.“He
wasenergetic andfunny, andadelight tohavelunchwith.” Despite thedesert of1976, Douglas hadwrittena coupleofpiecesforTheBurkiss Way, a deli-
ciouslyfunnyradioshowthatSimonproduced.Oneofthem,theKamikaze Briefing, became abit ofa classic’ andwasmuchenjoyedbyJohnSimmonds, theSeniorProducer, soDouglasnowhadtwostrategically placedmanagers
(‘heavy dudes” inmoviespeak) poisedtosupport him. Inthecourseofinterviewing Simon forthisbook,heandIhadlunchat the GrouchoClubin London’s Soho.Atthe cornertablea tannedNorman Wisdom,hero of Albania,was being lionizedby three fashionables.Douglas
wouldhavechortledtothinkofusdiscussing himinsuchavenue.Simonhas * “Advantage” mayseemanoddwordforrisking yourlifeandthesacrificing ofyearsofitforthe common weal,butinthecontext ofblackcomedy theydosaythereisnothing likethearmed servicesforteachingyouhowtoplaythesystem. + Thesketchhasbeenreproduced inDon’tPanic.It’shorribly funny.Somehow thisparticular
Kamikaze pilothasbeenonnineteen missions, always finding someextraordinary rationale for notcompleting themission. Missing theseaaltogether figured atonepoint.
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beenaskedmanytimestotellthestoryofcommissioning TheHitchhiker's Guide
totheGalaxy andmustbewearyoftherepetition, butcourteously hedidit again: Douglaswascomingup fromDorsetto havelunchwithme[4 February1977]andhadpromisedmethreeideas.Hewasveryen-
thusiastic, curious andfunny—very much a socialanimal. Hehated beingonhisown.Sowhatifhewassometimes depressed. When judging thework,it’sthequalitythatmatters. In somewaysI felthe wasa talentwithouta niche.Hehad struggledtofindhisvoice,butat onelevelI don’tthinkhewasthat
surprised byfameeventhoughhefeltthepressure ofsuccess very acutely. Douglas knewthathehadsomething ...Wewentouttoa Japanese restaurant todiscuss histhreeideas.I can’tforthelifeof me rememberwhatthe othertwowere—andafterwardsDouglas claimedthat neithercouldhe—butone of themwasa comicSF idea.IthadstartedlifeasTheEndsoftheEarth,butitbecameTheHitch-
hiker’s Guide totheGalaxy. Everybody likedit,thoughIremember one ofmyseniorcolleagues, a lovelymancalledConMahoney [oneof thebomberpilots], askingme:“Isthisfunny?” I assuredhimit was.
Douglaswasonhisway.
“‘You're verystrange,’ shesaid. ‘No, I’mveryordinary,’ saidArthur, ‘butsomevery strange thingshavehappened tome.You couldsayI’m 7
morediffered fromthandiffering.
FIVE
TheRestaurantat theEndoftheUniverse
THC ORIGIN Or THC SPpeeiecs
ee
n 1March1977—three weeksafterDouglas’s lunchwithSimon
Brett—the BBC approved themaking ofa pilotofTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy. Then,beforecommitting tothewholeseries, itsatonits handsforsixmonths. Inthosedays,beforetheicyfistofcommerce hadsurprisedtheBBCwithitsgrip,thedecision-making processmovedat a speed thatremindsonethatglassissaidtechnically tobea liquid.Manyofthein-
dividual producers hadvisionandenergy, butfurtherupthehierarchy a committee system reigned whereby allthatwasrequired foranother month topasswasforonemember tolookjudiciously intothemiddle distance, expressuncertainty andsuggestthatmoreresearchand/orconsideration might bewiselyinvested. Thatwasalwaysanirrefutable position. Then,eachsummer,muchofthetopechelons woulddepartenmasse forwarmerclimes. Tus-
canywasawashwithBBC executives. On the otherhand,the BBC—free fromthe immediateimperatives of budget,ratings,andadvertising revenuethatcommandotherbroadcasters— madeprogrammes ofundoubtedexcellence. Competition maykeepindus-
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try “leanand mean’—often a euphemismfor subjectingthe workersto unimaginable stressormovingmanufacture outtoexploitative lowlabourcosteconomies—but there’sno evidencethat makingprogrammes under
thatkindofpressure improves them.Besides, asanyonewilltellyouinan organization makingsomething creative, goingliketheclappers isnotalwaysinthebestinterests oftheproject. Management booksmayemploy a ghastlyjargondrawnlargelyfromAmerican recreations likesportorhunting(“getting yourducksin a row,”“stepping up to the plate”), but theyare unanimouson the virtuesoftakingthe timeto getallthe machineryon
yourside. InanyeventHitchhiker's wassodifferent thatnobodyintheBBC could havebeenpoisedononefoot,breathheld,waiting forit.Geoffrey Perkins saysthatifanyonehadbeenaskedwhatkindofprogramme theywerelookingfor,nobodywouldhavesaid:
“I'mlookingfora sortof strangeSFthingaboutwhenthe worldendsto makea by-pass—and it willtakeanageto make everyprogramme.” I mean,it was just absolutelynot on anybody’sradarat all.Therewerelotsof discussionsaboutwhether to havean audience.[Itwasthereceivedwisdomin theBBCat the
timethatan audiencewasneededto tellthelistenerswhento laugh.] I thinkIwonthispointwhenI said,“Look, they'llhaveto sittherefora weekbecauseitwilltakeusabouta weektomake
these programmes.” Actuallyhalf the actorsaren’tthere at the sametimeanyway.
InanycaseDouglas wasthrilled togetthecommission andhismorale shot upasymptotically tothecheerfulness axis.Hewasstillhardup,ofcourse, and
livingoffhisparents,fortheBBCpaidhim£1000forwhatturnedintonearly sixmonths’work.(Mindyou,ifyouruninflationbackwards to 1977, £1,000 is worthfivetosixtimesmoreintoday’sterms.)Butatleasthehada realproj-
ect,andthepromise ofincome andfriendly facesinLondon—and notjust anywhereinLondon, butIslington, whichwastobecomethecentreofDouglas’smetropolitan universe. Asthepigstyoutsidehiswindowwasdemolished, hismumfedhimand broughthimcupsofteaandpeanutbuttersandwiches forwhichhe hada
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particular weakness. YoungJane(Little Jane)andJameswerequiteentertained
bytheirbigbrothergroaning piteously, andthentypingfuriously before scrunching upsheetsofpaperandthrowing themaway. Butalthough rejects filledthewastepaper basket, withina monththepilotwascomplete. Neil Gaimansaysrightlythatthefirstversionoweda lottoMonty Python, andit certainly tookawhileforDouglas tofindhisvoice;nevertheless thepilotcon-
tainedmuchthatwasassparkyandbrilliant asthefinalform.(Buffs should looktoDon't Panic, revised edition, forthedefinitive exegesis ofthedifferences.) Hismum'scupsofteainspired oneofDouglas's inventions—the Infinite Improbability Drivewhichusesteaasa Brownian motiongenerator. Hishero, ArthurDent,issavedbyit,but“henomoreknowshisdestinythana tealeaf knowsthehistoryoftheEastIndiaCompany.”
Therefollows ashortdigression onthesubject oftea. Douglas wroteanuncharacteristically finger-wagging essay'—aimed at improving theAmerican qualityoflife,andthusforgivable—about howto maketheperfectcup.Warmthetea-potwell;spoonin an adequatesupply oftea(preferably loose,butbagswilldo);pourinroilinglyboilingwater;in-
fuseproperly; pourthemilkintothecupfirst.OK?Hepointsoutthatitisnot considered sociallycorrectto putthemilkin first,butontheotherhandin
England itisgenerally considered socially incorrect toknowthingsorthink aboutthings. AsArthurDentisblownuncontrollably aroundthegalaxyin thecom-
panyofsomeone infinitely morehipthanheis,hedevotes muchofhistime tolooking foradecentcupoftea,a drinkoftenaccorded miraculous powers ofcomfort byBritsinadversity. Legamputated? Shiptorpedoed? Nicecuppa willsoonputyouright.Indeedthereissomething pathetic aboutArthur, a bewildered young/oldmaninhisdressinggown,hisentireworldwipedout
behind him in an unnecessarycock-up,whoseambitionis limitedto finding a hot, herbal infusion.—
OnceArthurnearlycauses hisowndeath,andthatofhiscompanions, by rhetorically asking Eddie, theshipboard computer withtheirritating fauxbonhomme American primarypersonality, whyEddiethoughtthathe,Arthur,
wanteda cupoftea.Thecomputer, grimlyliteral-minded asonlya machine * TheNarrator’s preamble attheverybeginning ofTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy. t InTheSalmon ofDoubt, p.67.
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canbe,devotes moreandmoreprocessing powertothequestion—imperillingthemall* Douglas’s mostrepeatedanecdotewasalsosetarounda cupofteaandis believedtohavestartedlifeasa real-lifeincidentonCambridge station.Ithas
beenrepeated sooftenyouwillprobably allknowaboutthebattleofsilent British willpower whenthestranger acrossthetableina stationcaféstarted eatingDouglas's biscuits—or so it appeared. In fact,Douglas's biccies emergedfrombeneathhisnewspaperaftertheothermanhaddeparted.In Douglas’s hands,thistinyincidentwaspolishedtoa comicgemsuffused with cringe-making Englishsocialcontainment. Shamelessly, heevenusedthean-
ecdoteinSoLong, andThanks forAlltheFish, whenArthuriswooing Fenchurch. InThe Salmon ofDoubt thestoryisreprinted inanAmerican context, withtea changed tocoffee. However, anyotherbeverage wouldnotbecredible; rail-
waycoffeeisan insipidhotbrownliquidthatonlyresembles therealthing inasmuchastheybothtaketheshapeofthevesselthey'rein.(Incidentally, a
railway guardoflongstanding tellsmethattheporkpiesarealsoathingof wonder. Every 50,000 milesa trainedengineer givesthematapwithaspecial hammer) Thebiscuitstoryhassincereappearedin manyguises,andmayin some off-beatviralwaystillbe replicating in saloonbarsandoverdinnertables.
Overtimeithaspicked upaccretions ofplausible detail. Thepaperwasthe Guardian. Thebiccies wereRichTea.Itactually happened tosomebody else, andinvolved theDaily Telegraph anda Kit-Kat. ItstemsfromJeffrey Archer's shortstorywiththesameplotdevice,exceptthatin hisversionthebiscuits werecigarettes. (Bitofalongshot,thatone,asanexplanation oforigins, given
Jeffrey Archer's eclecticism andthefactthathiscollection waspublished someyearsafterDouglas started telling thestory.) TheBBC's Home Truths programme(aradiomagazine, hostedbytheaffably unshockable JohnPeel, aboutouroddities) hasbroadcast an honest-sounding accountfroma womanwhoalsohadasilent clashofwillswitha strangerovera packetof
* Serious SFfansmight recognise thisideafromaGordon Dickson shortstory, “Computers Don’t Argue” (a1965Nebula winner), inwhich, aftera foolish bet,a computer issetthetaskofsolving a logical paradox, andisthusdisabled frommaintaining theenvironmental systems ina Martian colony. Theparadox istrulyancient, beingaversion ofEpimenides’s oldchestnut aboutallCretansbeingliars.(Epimenides wasa Cretan.)
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Garibaldis. People havelookedmeintheeyeandtoldmethatthisself-same amusingincidentbefellthem. Urbanmyth?Possibly, butnoearliertellingthanDouglas's istobefound.
Although thisiscircumstantial, therearestories, jokesandindeedniftyturns ofphrasethatseemtosweepthroughsociety likeanepidemic. Mytheoryis thatmanyofthemoriginate withcreative usersofthelanguage, someof whomareunsungpeoplewhojusthappento deploytheirmothertongue withsomepizazz,but a substantialproportionwillemanatefromprofessionalwordsmiths—copywriters, authors,scriptwriters, DouglasAdamsand
soon. BackinStalbridge, Douglas founditfrustrating waiting forthegearsto turn in the BBC,so he alsosenthisHitchhiker's pilotto RobertHolmes,the scripteditorandoccasional writerofDr.Who. Hewashopingtogeta commissiontowriteaDr.Whostorylinethat—ifitfollowed theusualpractice—would
lastforfourhalf-hour episodes. Hesucceeded. BobHolmes likedwhatDouglashaddone alot, andonthatbasiscalledhiminfora meeting withAnthonyRead(whowasjusttakingoverfromBob)andtheproducer, Graham
Williams. Theyencouragedhimto havea go.Douglas'sresultingDr.Who scripthadgreatpromise,but it neededa lotmoreworkthathe undertook
withgrace. It’sbeensuggested thatDouglas's original overdid thehumourto the extentthatit mayhavecomeacrossasforcedor,evenworse,frivolous. Butthenthestorystillneededa smidgemoreto tweakitfurther,andfinally justa nuancehereandtheretogetthetoneabsolutely spoton.Evenafterthe refinement, somehardcoreDr.Whofansmaintainthathisepisodesaretoo
jokey. Allthiseditorial tuningwaseducational forDouglas, andimproved the script. Butitconsumed agreatdealoftime,withtheresultthatwhenDoug-
laswascommissioned to writea four-partDr.Whostoryin August,it coincidedwithina weekor twowithhis commitment to writethe Hitchhiker's radioseries.Thus,between1977and 1978,Douglaswasto undergoa meta-
morphosis, fromlistless aspiration tonerve-end-shredding overwork. Douglas hadalways enjoyed Dr.Whoand,unlikesomeEnglish Literature graduates, neverlookeddownhisnoseatitonthegroundsthatitwasgenre. (MikeSimpsoninhisinvaluable Hitchhiker's Guide* saysthatDouglasoriginally * Published byPocket Essentials, 2001.
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submitted ascriptforDrWho in1974, butthatitvanished beyond hopeofretrieval somewhere intheBBC. Alas, therewasnosignofitinDouglas’s papers.) “ThePiratePlanet,”the firstof the episodeswrittenor co-writtenby
Douglas, isratedasoneofthebestbythemanyDr.Who enthusiasts whohave analysedeveryepisodeand,thanksto theInternet,arekeepersoftheflame. It’sfull of cortex-mangling concepts—transportable hollowplanets,time
dams,cybernetic controlsystems andevena high-tech bionicpiratecompletewitheye-patch androbotic parrot.(Douglas hadplayedLongJohnSilver,don'tforget, andwaskeenonthecomic potential ofparrots; onefeatures strategically in Starship Titanic.) Thepirate—typical humanbeing—uses all the breathtakingpowerand technologyat his disposalfor trivialself-
agegrandisement, beltingroundtheuniverse stealing otherplanets’ resources likesomecosmic shoplifter. TomBaker, theactorplaying theDoctor, spouted thescientific arcana with totalconviction. He and MaryTamm,as his gorgeousassistant,Romana, breezedthroughDouglas's adventurewithpanache,brilliantly supportedby AndrewRobertson asMr.FibuliandBrucePurchaseasthewafflingCaptain.
(There wasnospiteinDouglas, buthecouldsometimes beinadvertently cruelinhisdesiretobefunny. Oneoftheleading ladiesinDrWho provoked himtosaythat“herideaofacting wastopointhereyesinonedirection while swivelling herhipsinanother’) EveninthisearlyworkDouglas’s playfulapproachtoscienceisapparent.
Heinvents traveltubesinwhichthepeoplearestationary andthetuberaces pastthemlikethere’s notomorrow. Douglas hadreadhisRelativity, andunderstood thatinaninertial frametherewouldbenodistinguishing between themovingandthestatic,sohewaschortlingknowingly inthedirectionof Einstein. SFfanshavewonderedaboutthe provenanceof Douglas'sideas,and
thereisa minorscholarly industry intracking themdownasifwecannot credithimwithbeingsostartlingly inventive. ButDouglas wasn’t steeped in thegenreandhewasalways mildlyputoutifhelearned thatsomeoriginal thoughthadoccurredto an SFwriteralready.Ahollowplanet,forexample, might be traced to IsaacAsimovwho, decadesearlier,had posited such a
planet,Trantor, inhisexhilarating Foundation trilogy(later, unwisely, racked intoa tetralogy fora largeadvance). Making a planet—or atleastcities— moveable atwillhadbeensuggested byJames Blish manyyearsbeforeinhis
Spindizzy stories.ButDouglaswasnot particularly wellversedin SF(apart
THEORIGINOFTHESPECIES 107
fromSheckley), unlikehiswife,JaneBelson, whohadreadeverything. Apart fromthe Eaglecomic,he had—inmy partisanview—misspent his youth reading CharlesDickens,when he could have been immersedin UrsulaLe Guin,RobertSilverberg,John Wyndham,PhilipK.Dick,TheodoreSturgeon,
FredPohland,topinchKingsley Amis’s usefulexpression, manyotherdazzlingcartographers ofhell* Dr.Whois—orratherwas—agreatnationalinstitution. “Cult”is a word peoplereachfortooeasily,butDrWhoqualified. Withtheexceptionofthe
wretched StarTrek, whoselongevity hasbeenunnaturally prolonged byits transformation intoanindustry, Dr.Whowasthelongest-running SFseries everproduced. Itwasfirstscreened in 1963anddidn’tgoofftheairuntil 1996—and eventhenit continuedfora whilewhenthe rightsweresoldto Foxfora one-off. Dr.Whohimselfwasa TimeLordfromthegalactically centralplanetof
Galifrey. Despite thestrictures oftheirnon-interference code—and thedeeply laidplotting fromanotherpowerful butmoremalign TimeLordcalledThe Master—Dr. Whowhizzedaboutspace-time doinggoodandrightingwrongs in thecompanyofa resourceful andattractivefemaleassistantwhohelped tokeepthedadswatching. Oneofthesewasplayedbytheactress,LallaWard, who,introducedbyDouglasto RichardDawkinsat oneofDouglas’s wicked
parties, subsequently became Mrs.Dawkins. Fortransport, DrWhoemployed an old-fashioned British policetelephoneboxcalled theTardis (allegedly anacronym forTimeandRelative Di-
mensionin Space). Thoughfiniteon the outside,thisvehiclehad as much spaceinsideasthelargeststudiocouldaccommodate, anditsabilityto roam
through timeandspaceprovided awonderfully flexible narrative device. The special effects werealways a bitclunky, withwobbly setsandacresofBacofoil;laterDouglas grievedabouttheTVadaptation ofHitchhiker's onthe groundsthatit remindedhimofDr.Who.Butthegoodthingabouta budget limitedby timeand moneyis thatyouhaveto fallbackon old-fashioned virtues—in thiscasethe wit,inventiveness and story-telling abilityof the
writers who,byandlarge, delivered thegoodsforoverthreedecades. Among Dr.Who'simplacable foesweretheDaleks, created byTerry Nation, creatures withtotalitarianviewswhosenastylittlebodieshad mutatedto the extent thatthey movedaboutin motorizedcontainers.Conveniently thesewere * Kingsley Amis, NewMapsofHell(Ayer Co.Publishing, 1975).
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aboutthesizeofa vacuumcleaner.Ontoptheycarrieda rotatabledomefit-
tedwithanall-purpose sensordevice, andprojecting fromtheirbodiesa deathrayandwhatlookedsuspiciously likea telescopic drainplunger* Douglas hadalways beena fanoftheDaleks, whoweresucha charismatic crossbetweenlagoandakitchenappliance thattheyhadtoberevivedevery fewyearsby populardemand.Hehad evenwrittenan episodeofDr.Who
whileatBrentwood School, butcouldrecall littleofitbeyond thefactthathis Daleks werepowered byRiceKrispies.' Itwasariskcommissioning anunknownwritertotackleDr.Who. Evenasa relatively out-of-sight freelance, writingforitwaslikebeinggivenapaintbrush andbeingtoldtonipintotheTatetotouchupaTurner. Therewerealsolotsof rulesdesignedto avoidinconsistency orboxingwritersinforthefuture.Le-
gionsofknowledgeable anddedicated fanswerepoised totellyouifyoumade abotchofit.Itisatribute toDouglas thathealways tookDr.Who seriously, devotingparticularcareto devisingconceptsthat wereat leasttheoretically workable(unlikemagic,forexample,whichsuspendstherulesandisjusta cop-out), Asinwritingasketch,Douglas understoodthatSFmusthaveanin-
ternallogic. Inthiscontext—though itwasaprinciple towhichhecleaved in general—he saidthattheexpression “tongue-in-cheek” wasoftenanexcuse for laziness. “Itmeansit'snotreallyfunny,butwearen'tgoingtodoitproperly.”” Dr.Who,the TimeLord,was ableto regeneratehisbody afterdeath a total
oftwelvetimes—and thiswasjustas wellas the actorsplayinghimwere proneto anxietyabouttypecasting’ BythetimeDouglaswaswritingforthe
series, thefourthDoctor wasinplace, TomBaker: anengaging, largerthan life,formermonkwithanextravagantly outgoing personality. Helovedthe partsomuchthathestayedwithitforsevenyears.Douglasoncetoldmethat Tomwasthentherandiestmanhe hadevermet—andhe hadencountered oneor twoin whomthebalanceofpowerhadnevermovedevenslightly
northwards fromthegonads tothecerebrum. * Even todayifyouwaggle ahandinfrontofyourfaceandcroak“EX-TERM-IN-ATE! EX-TERM-INATE!” witha voicefullofgrit,people(Britsanyway) willinstantly recognize a badDalekimpression.
t Hitchhiker’s Guide, p.8. coDon’t Panic, revised edition, p.81. § OK, forthebuffs, inorder, theDoctors were: William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton, JonPertwee, TomBaker, PeterDavison, Colin Baker andSylvester McCoy.
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Douglas wentontowritetwomoreDr.Whoepisodes: “TheCityofDeath” (co-written withtheproducer,GrahamWilliams) and“Shada.” Healsowrote
Dr.Who andtheKrikkitmen asafilmtreatment, featuring oneofthosesickening timeloops.Thisnevergotveryfar,but the ideasweresubsequently putto gooduseinLife, theUniverse andEverything. “Shada” unfortunately gotcaughtup
inastrikeattheBBC andwasnevertransmitted, thoughIbelieve thatforseriousbuffsitisavailable onvideo* However, Douglas didrecycle partofthis whenDr.Chronotis, a retiredTimeLordwhoseroomsin Cambridge so resembledDouglas'sown,appearedin thefirstDirkGentlynovel,DirkGently’s Holistic Detective Agency. InthisstoryDouglasonceagainscratchesawayat thetime-travel para-
dox—on thisoccasion withliterally cosmic ramifications—like someterrible intellectual itch.Whathappensifyougobackin timeandwaylayyour grandadwitha quickbeer,thuspreventing himfrommeetingyourgrandma? (TherearemoreFreudianexpressions ofthisnotioninvolvingkillingyour mum,but the paradoxisthe same.)Ifyousucceed,youno longerexistso
couldnothavesucceeded—in whichcaseyoudoexist,soroundyougo againina logically impregnable circle. Thisconundrum wassomething that clearly fascinated Douglas forhecamebacktoitfrequently. Remember Zaphod Beeblebrox summoningup his grandfather, ZaphodBeeblebrox the Third? Anaccident,Zaphodexplains,witha contraceptive and a timemachine.
“TheCityofDeath” wasafour-part scriptstartedbyDavidFisher, aregularandreliable scriptwriter whohadbeensuddenly waylaid byfamily problems.Douglasand GrahamWilliamsfinishedit offunderimmensetime pressure,a directoranda studioslothavingbeenbookedonlydaysaway fromtherealization thattheyhadno script.Douglaswaslockedup in Gra-
ham’sstudywherehelivedonblackcoffee andwhisky. Because ofWriters’ Guildregulations, thedepartmental nameofDavidAgnew wasusedforthe credits. Despitethe rush,or possiblybecauseof it,“TheCityof Death”storyis _splendidlyinventive.It prefigures thatsomewhatdisturbingHitchhiker's idea that life is not only inadvertent,but possibly—thanks to time-travel—
circular. Dr.Whohastoensurethatanexplosion onEarthactually happened * TheDaily Telegraph (16November 2002)reports thatitwillnowberemade withPaulMcGann as theDoctor.
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becausetheresultingchemical chaoskickstarted thewholeimprobable businessofevolutionthatendsupwithsentience, charteredaccountants, geraniums,ants,whalesandallourplanet'sastonishing biodiversity. Thisagainis
thehorrorofthetime-travel paradox, butwritlarge.InThe Restaurant attheEnd oftheUniverse, Douglas positsthattheentirehumanraceisalogical absurdity as it is descendedfromthosewhoreturnedto the Earthandbecametheir ownancestors. Teleologically speaking, it’steeth-grindingly up itself. TheDr.WhoplotalsoembroilstheviewerinthestealingoftheMonaLisa
(therearemultiple copies, someofwhicharemarked “fake” infelt-tippen). Eleanor BronandJohnCleese provide delicious cameos asart-lovers whobelievethattheTardis isagallery exhibit. Meanwhile, Douglas,encouragedby JonCanter,wascommutingback and forthfromDorsetto London,graduallyrelocatingin the cityas his moraleimprovedand he had more work.Jon,who had studiedlaw(“amis-
take”), nowhadajobasanadvertising copywriter andwassharing a house in ArlingtonAvenuewithtraineebarrister, JonnyBrock,andhiswife,Clare Gorst.Jonny,youwillremember, wasthe aspirantthespianfromDouglas's daysof amateurdramatics,who eventuallybecamea QC.Thehouseboasted
a largesofaon whichDouglaswasinvitedto crash,andhe frequentlydid
whenintown.Jon,JonnyandClareoffered friendship, warmth, digestive biscuitsandstability inaddition tosomewhere tosleep.Douglas wasveryfond ofthem,anddedicated thefirstHitchhiker's noveltoJonnyBrockandClare Gorst,and“alltheotherArlingtonians fortea,sympathyanda sofa.” Theirhouseinthisparticularly leafyearlyVictorian partofIslington overlooksa sectionofthe GrandUnionCanal,now recreationalrather than mer-
cantile, whichcircles London totheeastandwestbeforejoining theThames. Whereitrunsthrough Islington, itstow-paths arecompacted bymassed joggersfromthe law,telly,advertising andjournalism. Duringhisintermittent spasmsof physicalself-improvement, Douglastoo usedto jog alongthe canal,andcontinuedto dosowhenhe hadhisownplacein nearbyUpper
Street* In 1977, thingsweredistinctly lookingup.Douglas hadhisDr.Who episodes towriteandsupportive friends intown.Finally heevengota real * Sueand| methimonthecanaloncein1979looking veryragged andsweaty injogging gear. “Every generation willhaveitscharacteristic ailments,” hegasped. “Ours willhavegreatcardiovascular systems, butterminally buggered kneesandtendons. ”
THE ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES’ 111
job.Hewasdelighted. Itwastheworld’s lowliest jobinradio,asaproducer sojuniorthateventhecleaners couldbosshimabout,butitwasstillajob, oneonthestaffandnotjustafreelance contract—and attheBBC noless,a nationaltreasurewithcorrespondingly hugecachet.DavidHatch,thenthe HeadoftheLightEntertainment Department, hadgivenittohim.LikeSimon Brett,hebelievedinDouglas, andDouglasmayhavefeltundersomeobliga-
tiontoshowthattheirconfidence wasnotmisplaced. Apparently though, Douglas wasnotmuchcopasaproducer. JohnLloyd hadseconded himbrieflyto theNews Quiz* whentheusualco-producer, DannyGreenstone, wasaway.Butit didnotworkout.JohnLloyd:
Trouble wasDouglas wasnever anygoodat allwithanybody else’sformats.Hecouldonlydo hisownstuff.Hereally,really wantedtobe abletowriteone-linersforTheTwoRonnies, orsketches forWeek Endingor whatever,but he justcouldnotdoit.Youmightas wellhaveaskedhimtowritethankyoulettersinKorean.Noneofit
madetheslightest sensetohim.SoIdaresay wecalleditadayafter gettingnowhere. Ofcourse,JohnLloyd—as latereventsaretomakeclear—has a complex view ofDouglas. Writersmaybe pals,but thereis alwaysan elementofrivalry.
GoreVidaloncememorably remarked thathecouldnothearofthesuccess ofafriendwithout dying alittle.Affection, envy, irritation, admiration, hurt— allgointotherichstewstirred byDouglas andJohn.Douglas maynothave beenallthathopelessa producer,butthereislittledoubtthathe couldnot resistendlessfine-tuningofa workin progress—and thatsitsuneasilywith
schedules that,oncepublished, marchwithnononsense toa drillsergeant’s beat. * Atopicalquizinwhichsomefunnyandfearlesspeoplearescurrilous aboutthepreceding week’sevents.Itsounds abit naff,butinfactisbrilliant. Theformatmakesforvariety, andthe
personal chemistry between theteammembers isa hoot. They areselected notjustfortheir personalities andquick witsbutalsofortheirwillingness toelaborate oneanother's fantasies. Theygetawaywithcomments thatina moresolemn context would havethelibellawyers reaching fortheirwrits. Theprogramme isstillrunning, andiswellworth alisten. tTOK. Thisisageneralization forwhich | canonlyoffer“anecdotal evidence” (sociologists’ codefor nogrant),butitisbasedonthirtyyearsofobservation.
112 WISHYOUWEREHERE
Todo theirjob,producersneedto geta lot of peopletogether,charm
them,organize them,andbullythemwitha judicious mixture oftactand steel,whilesimultaneously making themallfeelgoodaboutthemselves. The taskistoturnacollection ofdisparate andsometimes highlystrungindividualsintoa team.It'sa difficulttrick,andonewhichdidnotserveDouglas's
strengths. Hewastoovulnerable tocopewellwithstressand,despite being a socialanimalwitha needforcompanyandstimulation, asa creatorhepreferredtobesolitary. Whateverhisvirtuesasa radioproducerin theLightEntertainment de-
partment, Douglas didnotstayatitforverylong.Early in1978 hewasoffered, andheaccepted, thejobofscripteditorofDr.Who, whereAnthony Readwas moving on.David Hatch wassaidtobea littlenarkedasDouglas hadnotreallypaidhisduesin thecurrentjobandhishastein transferring appeared unseemly. SimonBretthadleftto goto LondonWeekend Television (leaving
Geoffrey Perkins asHitchhiker's producer). But,asDouglas remarked, David himself moved onshortly afterwards soDouglas didnotfeelsobadlyabout it.Radiopeoplearealways sensitive aboutthetalentleaving themforthe glamorous butblowsytartcalledtelevision. Thereisaninferiority complexat workthat’sentirelyunnecessary, especially asradioisoftenbraverthanthe telly,moreintelligent andlesstyrannizedbymarketexpediency.
Onecollaboration withJohnLloyd thatdidworkoutwellwaswhenthe twoofthem,bytheninadjacent offices inLangham Street behindBroadcastingHouse,wrotethescriptfora DutchcartoonseriescalledDr.Snuggles. They werepaid£500,a verygenerousfeewhenyou considerthattheirannual
salaries wouldhavebeenbetween £2000 and£3000 atthetime.Dr.Snuggles wasdesigned tobeoneoftheveryfewnon-violent cartoons forchildren. Johnsaysitwashugefuntodo:“With animation theonlylimitwasourown imaginations. WealsolovedthefactthattheDutchproducerwascalledJoop Visch,hisassistantwasa youngmancalledWimOops,andhissecretary was Veronica Plinck.”
Douglas's lifewasthreatening togofromtorpidtoflat-out fasterthana Porsche 9288. TheBBC approved Hitchhiker's attheendofAugust 1977. Healso hadtheDr.Who commissions. Thenhegotajob.Itseemed likeasensible time to findanagent. Hebecame aclient ofJillFoster, towhomhehadbeenrecommended by
Graham Chapman. Jillwassmall,quick,no-nonsense, good-hearted and rathersexy.Shehadrecently declared independence froma largeragency
THEORIGINOFTHESPECIES 113
andsetup onherownwithherhusband,Malcolm Hamer,anagentspecializingin sports.ShelookedafterallthePythonsapartfromJohnCleeseand
EricIdle,andsheknows what'swhat.Jillhasalways triedtodowhatisbest forherclients aspeople. Ifthismeanstheyshouldnottakeonsomething unsuitable, despite cabbage-sized wadsofcashwaved undertheirnoses, Jillwill
tellthem. SherecallsthatDouglaswashugelyamusingandhada talent forlunch.
Heoftenrangheratteninthemorning andchatted, despite thefactthatshe
wasverybusy. Jillalways forgave himbecause hewassofunny, “like agiant puppywithasenseofhumour" Sherecalls thathewrotea sketch abouttwo
lighthousekeeperswhohadfallenout.(Theydrewa diameterlinethrough theirlighthouseand couldnot infringeon eachother'sterritory.) “Itwasa
brilliant sketch,” shesays.“Themarketforsketches wasverydifficult andI couldnotfindabuyerforit.Butitwasexceptional andI realized thenthat hehadsomething veryspecial.” EvenafterDouglas hadleftherfora new agent,EdVictor, following publication ofTheRestaurant attheEndoftheUniverse, theyremainedongoodtermsandwouldenjoytheoccasional lunch.“Ithink hefanciedmeabit,” saysJill,“buthegaveup flirtingafterI gavebirthto my
daughter.” These daysweliveinapost-Hitchhiker’s worldinwhichreferences tofortytwo,life,theuniverse andeverything aregreeted withasmileofrecognition. It’shardto thinkbackto thetimebeforeoursensibilities wereskewedforeverbyDouglas's work.OfcoursetherehadbeenhumorousSFbyBobShaw,
RobertSheckley, Theodore Sturgeon amongstothers,thoughit wasnot widely readoutside theparish. EvenIsaacAsimov likedjokes, anda lotofhis shortstories werewittyexplorations notofwhodoneit?butofwhatdoneit? andhowwasitdone? ButbeforeDouglasnobodyhad beencosmically funny.Helovedphilosophicalideas,andhada naturalgraspofthem,buthe knewthatplonking
themunadorned intothetextwouldinduceinstanttediumfollowed bythe heterodyne squealofa million radiosbeingretuned. Forinstance, Douglas describes thecreator oftheuniverse asacurmudgeon withadisagreeable cat
anda muckyshed*Thisdecrepitoldgithaslostallconfidence thattheuniverseactuallyexistsbecausehissensedatacouldbe doingthedirtyonhim.
(“Contingent” isthewordphilosophers useinthiscontext.) It’sa nightmar* TheRestaurant attheEndoftheUniverse, Chapter 29(PanBooks, 1980).
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ishlysolipsistic idea.Youcannotknowforsureifanything isreal.That’s why Descartes’s famous observation, cogito, ergo sum,issuchanimportant testfor existence becauseevenifthe“I”thatseemstobeexperiencing theworldisin thegripofsomehallucination, atleastitcanbe surethereisanentitythatis
conscious, evenifcruelly deluded. ThefactthattheSupreme Being ispreparedtodealadministratively withtheworldontheassumption thatitmight reallybethereisanempirical accommodation withphenomenalism—and
rathera bleakjoke.Besides,philosophical notionsdescribedin this way wouldbe prettydull.Douglas’s geniuswasto sneakthemintothe reader’s braincamouflaged asa seriesofextremely goodjokes.It isthisseriousun-
derpinning ofdazzling notions andintellect thatmadeHitchhiker's soextraor-
dinary.
Lestweforget, theworkwasquiteamazingly innovative. Hespoketothe
readerdirectly, even—especially—to readersunfamiliar withtheconventions of responsethat comefrombeinga regularconsumerof literature.When Douglasdied,itwaspoignantto seesomanyheartbroken teenagersleaving
theirtributes onthewebsite created forthepurpose. Alienated youngsters in smalltownsinAlaska knewthathewastalking tothempersonally. ThepilotforTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy wasrecordedin the BBC's largeWestLondonParisStudioinJune1977. SimonBrettwastheproducerof thepilot,almosthislasttaskbeforeslidingoffintotelly,andthenfortherest
oftheseriesGeoffrey Perkins tookover.Although heself-deprecatingly says thathehadnoideawhathewasdoing(“that’s allright,” saidDouglas, “neitherdoI"),itwasclearfromthebeginning thatGeoffrey gotit,astheysay, perfectly. Hewasalsoconfidentenoughabouthisownhumourandsenseof narrativeconstruction tochivvyDouglas whenthingsgottooincoherent. It’s
partlyasa resultofGeoffrey's nagging thatanything resembling a plot emerged atall. Muchhasbeenwritten aboutthecasting oftheshow, andforcompletists thefullcreditsareincludedinanAppendix. TherealitywasthatDouglasand Geoffrey werewellservedbythecast,manyofwhomwerematesfromthe Footlights days.(Thisold-boynetworking wouldbe harderto acceptwereit
notforthefactthatthecastwasbrilliant.) Theactors performed toperfection, eventhosewhofoundthewholethingbewildering. Don’tforgetthatthey didnotallhavetobepresent duringtherecording, sosomeofthemhadtheir partssplicedin later.Thescripttellsa picaresque, strangeanddiscontinuous storyatthebestoftimes—even ifyoulistentoitall,andpayattention—so it
THEORIGINOFTHESPECIES 115 is not surprisingthat some of the actors,like RoyHudd for instance,who
playedthecompéreintherestaurantattheendoftheuniverse, founditalla
bitweird* Alltheactorslikedplaying theirparts,whichsayssomething for theliltofthewriting andthehugegrinthatshines through thetext.Similarly, alltheengineersandstudiomanagersrelishedmakingit allsoundseamless. (SeeChapterSeven.) Thefuntheyhadwascommunicated ineverybroadcast moment.
ThestoryofPeterJonesastheBookhasbecome partofthemany-volume Chronicles ofAdams thatembrace thefirstbroadcasts. PeterJoneswasanexperienced radioperformer withexquisite comictimingfrom alifetimebe-
hindthemicrophone andtreadingtheboards.He’dstarredinInAllDirections (withPeterUstinov) andwasfrequently onJusta Minute, a BBCradioshowin whichthepanellists haveto talkforsixtysecondswithouthesitation, devia-
tionorrepetition. (It’snotsoeasy.) HistonewasjustrightfortheBook. Like someautodidact inabartelling youallthespecies ofwoodlouse tobefound northof50°latitude,hewasterriblymatter-of-fact, slightlysententious and utterlyuninterruptible. Douglasand SimonBrettwerecastingaboutfor someonewitha PeterJones-type voice.MikeSimpsonreportsthattheyhad
approached Michael Palinandoneortwoothers, butwerefrustrated.t The classic anecdote goeslikethis:theywerehavinga meeting overBBC teaand digestive biscuits, butgettingnowhere. “Wedefinitely needaPeterJonesysound,”opinedDouglas. “Damn, damn, damn...” Therewas much gnawingof knucklesand suddenstartsof “How
about...?Oh,bugger, he’sdead”or“Thingy mightdoit,butishetooexpensivenow?" Simon'ssecretary, losingpatiencewiththe high-octaneratiocination of thechapswiththeirV8brains,thencameinandsaid:“Doyouthinkit’spossiblethatPeterJoneshimselfmighthavea PeterJones-type voice?” * Geoffrey Perkins tellsa storyofhowRoyHudd metStephen Moore (Marvin) foraninterview for theBBC World Service, andtoldhimthathe’djustbeeninthisreally strange thingwiththeuniverseendinginsomekindofcabaretact,andthathehadtodoaboutfiveminutesofad-libbing
aswell.Hehadnoideawhatitwasabout. Stephen saidtohim,hmm, thatsounds likethething thatI’min.ItwasGeoffrey whocalled theandroid Marvin bytheway.Douglas’s original was Marshall, butitsounded toomilitary somehow. t Hitchhiker’s Guide.
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Lights flickered inBroadcasting House, daffodils erupted fromtheearthin nearbyRegent's Park,suddenly thesunshone.Ofcourse, whynotgetPeter Joneshimself? Women,eh?Dauntingly pragmatic... Douglas nowsetaboutwritingtheHitchhiker's radioseriesinatremendous spasmofcreativity. Thesedayswearesousedtocomputertechnology thatit
takessomeimaginative efforttounderstand thediscipline ofthetypewriter. Itwasquickerthanlonghandand,Godknows,in mostcasesmorelegible, butitwasnotmoreflexible. Nocopyandpaste,no scrolling up thescreento addanafterthought ortransposea sentencesothe rhythmwasbetter.Every wordhadtobepoundedontopaperwhereitsatasimmovable asa pyramid.
Thewholepagehadtobejettisoned, andclean-typed afteranamendment or two.And,ofcourse, quiteapartfromthemechanical problems, comic writing isjustastonishingly difficult. TheParisStudioin MaidaValewas,despitethename,gearedup foran audience. Withoutone,it wasdarkandempty.Itwasn’ttheeasiestspaceto
workin,butanygloomwasquickly dispelled bytheenergy andenjoyment oftheteammaking Hitchhiker's. Relays ofactorscameintodotheirbit,and leftchortling. Geoffrey andhisbrilliant teamoftechnicians hadtoinventeffectsonthespot,sometimes singingthemthemselves (creating a vastchoirof off-keyrobots,forinstance). Itwasallhugefun.Inordertogetpropervoice separation, Geoffrey hid his actorsalloverthe building,evenstuffedinto
cupboards. Herecalls:
Richard Goolden, a littleguywhoplayedMoleinToad ofToad
Hall,musthavebeenabouteightythen.Hewasa sweetlittleactor whowasabsolutelybentoverdouble.[HewasZaphodBeeblebrox
theFourth.] I'dputhiminsomecupboard todohisbit,anditmust havebeenabouthalfan hourafterwe'dfinishedthatsequence whenthislittlevoicesaid,“Isit allrightif1comeout?”I said,“Oh, sosorry,Richard,Iforgotaboutyou...” WhenDouglashadwrittenfourepisodes, he hadto breakoffto writefour
episodes ofDr.Who, “The PiratePlanet.” Geoffrey Perkins empathized: Itwasn’tthatDouglaswastoobloodylazyto getdownanddo it.Hewassweatingovereveryword.Andhe hadthisstrangetechniqueofwritingbackwards. Hewasactuallytypingthe thingon a
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typewriterandwouldcomeinwithabouttwelvepagesofscriptthe week before the show,and I'd say,OK,so this a third of the script—
allright,we'llkeepthestudio,andkeeptheactorsbecause ifhejust keepsgoingat thisratehe'llfinishit soon.Butthenhe'dcomein fourdayslaterandsay:“I'vegoteightpagesofscript." Andyou
couldn’tquiteworkouthowhe'dgonedown...
Thereduction oftwelve pagesofeffervescent copytoeightwascharacteristic Douglas. Allhislifehewouldruthlessly self-edit hiswork,pruning andprun-
ingit downto itsnerveends.Justas poetryismoreintensethan prose,the resultofallthiscompression wasfrequentlybrilliant,but it musthavehad theproductionteamsighingandgroaning.It’snota handytechniquewhen theclockisrunningandthereistimetofill.‘Deadair’—orsilence—is anath-
ematoradioproducers; thirtyseconds ofbroadcasting nothing isaneternity. Hitchhiker's andDr.Who leftDouglas exhausted. I hadsimplyrun outofwords.SinceJohnLloydalwaysbeatme at ScrabbleI reckonedhe mustknowlotsmorewordsthanmeand
askedhimif hewouldcollaborate withmeonthelastcoupleof scripts.“Prehensile,” “anaconda” and“ningi" arejustthreeofthe wow
wordsI wouldneverhavethoughtofmyself*
Douglaswasalwaysthekindestofmen,but sometimes he foundit difficult
toacknowledge creative debts.Hewasscrupulous abouttheattribution of particular linestotheirauthors andgenerous inhispublicpraiseofthework ofotherwritersandthinkerswhomhe rated,butwhenit cameto personal
assistancehe wanted to be the solecreator;DoctorAdamswith the crashcart
paddleswouldkick-starttheheartofthebeast.Thereisa kindofchild-like
“look whatI'vedone!Andallonmyown!" inallauthors, hencetheirhunger foradmiration nomatterhowestablished theyare.InDouglas's casehisde-
sireforapprovalwentbeyondthefamiliarandforgivable promptings ofego; itwasa desperateneedforreassurance. Pragmatically too,hisperfectionism and idiosyncratic voicewouldhavebeenhardto imposeupon a writing
partner without Douglas coming across ascapriciously difficult, ifnotincipientlybonkers. Besides, heknewhewouldbejudgedonthework.Hewell * TheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy: TheComplete Radio Scripts, footnotes toFittheFifth.
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understood justhowmuchhecravedemotional support, encouragement, cupsofteaandall-purpose round-the-clock unconditional love.Butwhenit cameto hearingthe musicwithinhis ownwordshe needed—as withhis sketcheswithWillSmithandMartinAdams—to workonhisown.Helpwith
theactualtextwassomething hecouldn't bear.Thisleftsomeofhisfellow said, feeling,asWodehouse scribes,suchasJohn,andlaterMichaelBywater,
notexactly gruntled—an emotion doubtless exacerbated bythehugecommercialsuccessofthework.It’sonethingtohelpananguishedfriendinthe creativeprocessiftheresultisonesmartmentionin theTLSandthesaleof threecopies(twoto the author’smother).In thosecircumstances you're
whenthe to havebeenofuse.Butyoumightbemoreambivalent pleased andmadeyourpalfacopies million hadsoldoverseveral workinquestion mous.
In theendit is hardto assessthedegreeto whichDouglaswashelped. Havingsomeonesimpaticofizzingawaycreatively onthesamewavelength
isaninvaluable service. Ontheotherhand,Douglas hadinvented theconhadto fit.The episodes intowhichtheremaining textandthecharacters JohnLloydis a However, werealreadyestablished. voiceandthetemplate
verytalentedman,and Geoffreyrecallsthat at leastone longNarrator’s speechin episodesixwasentirelydownto John,whoalsodreamedup the Haggunenons, the fast-evolving creatureswiththe undisciplined chromo-
withwhodid preoccupied somes.Withoutwantingto gettoofruitlessly reacchemical scriptislikeoneofthoseirreversible a co-written what—for tionswhichcannot besortedbackintoitsoriginal components—Douglas appears to acknowledge John’scontributionwith the Narratorand the Haggunenons asthosepassagesincludetheaforementioned words,“Ningi,” a galacticcurrencyunit, and “prehensile,”that he reckonedwere essentially
thoughinthelightoflatereventshardlysurprising, Itisinteresting, Lloydie. thatwhenDouglas wrotethefirstnovelofHitchhiker's basedontheradio scripts,hedidnotrelyonJohnLloyd'scontributions at all. Inhisintroduction tothecompendium ofthetrilogy(infourparts)pub-
lishedbyPanin1992andalsoinhispreamble tothethirdvolumeofthe Byron Preiss graphic novelsofThe Hitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy (published in 1993), Douglas makes itclearthathisfirstbookwasasubstantially expanded novelversionofepisodesoneto fourofthe radioseries,i.e.he didnotuse anymaterialfromtheco-writtenepisodes. Inthesameintroduction, Doug-
lasexplains thathissecond novel,TheRestaurant attheEndoftheUniverse, was
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based—with heavyrevision andediting—on episodes seventhrough twelve, andthenalsofiveandsix“inthatorder.” Douglas mayhavebeenconcerned aboutcopyright, although heneverhadalegalisticturnofmind(indeed, he
couldbe quiteinnocentin suchmatters), butwhenhewaswritingthefirst noveltherehadbeensucha majorfallingoutwithJohnLloydthatDouglas
wouldhavebeenalerttothedangers ofusinganyofJohn’s ideas. Bythesecondbook,relations withJohnhadsettleddownto a statethatin hospital parlance mightbedescribed ascritical butstable. Douglas feltabletoreturn
to episodesfiveandsix,buteventhenhelargelywroteJohn’scontributions outofthenovel. 50Douglas's assessment ofJohnLloyd'scontribution ismisleadingly flip-
pant,forheneededhelpurgently. What'smore,episodes twotofourwere recorded in theParisStudioin November andDecember of 1977, so the
schedulewasrapidlycatchingupwithhisrateofproduction. Bythe timethe firstepisodewasbroadcast(8March1978), theywere
stillrecording thelastepisode, cuttingthingsfinegivenpost-production editingandtheleadtimesforpublishing theprogrammes. Laterthatyear therewasa “Christmas Special” broadcast inDecember thathadnothingat
allto do withChristmas, and whichGeoffreysucceededin prisingout of Douglasby movingin with him and zappinghim with pathoson an hourlybasis.
JohnLloyd's account ofworking withDouglas onthelasttwoepisodes of thefirstseriesisnotascoolasDouglas's. Hereckons thatbythetimeDouglashadreached episode fiveoftheradioseries, hehadproved tohimself that hecouldcreatesomething completely original,andthathejustwasn’tenjoyingtheprocessanymore.Johnhimselfwasinthethroesofwritingnotesfor
acomicSFnovelcalledGiGax, atermthatmeantthegreatest areathatcould beencompassed bythehumanimagination (soeverything froma nutshell to thecosmos). Douglas, saysJohn,gotcompletely stuckaroundthebeginning ofepisodefive,andwasverydistressed aboutit.Johncametotherescueand plunderedsomeofhisownideasfromGiGax:
TheghastlytraumaformewithDouglas wasthathegotstuck, andsaid,“Look, we'vegottowritetheselasttwoandI’munderter-
ribletimepressure now,butifyoucouldhelpmeoutifthere’sanotherseries,we'llgo backto our oldsystemofwritingtogether.” | waslivingin Knightsbridge at thetime,in theflatofa ratherwell-
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offfriend*Therewasa kindofgaragethathadbeenconvertedinto a roughand readyofficewherewe worked.Andalthoughit had
takenDouglas almosttenmonthstowritethefirstfourepisodes, thelastoneandahalf/two wewroteinthreeweeks. Actually, thoughthechronology ishardto reconstruct, it looksasifDouglas wasnotquiteasdilatoryasJohnsuggests. HedidnotgetdowntowritingseriouslyuntilAugustwhentheserieswascommissioned. However, there'sno
doubtaboutthedeadlines. Time, tideandtheBBC waitfornoman.Bringing Johningavethewholeprocess anenormous boost. Welaugheda lot.WhathappenedwasthatIgavehimhundreds ofpagesofmynovel,GiGax. I can’trememberwhyI calledit that,
butI doremember thattheguywhocreatedDungeons andDragonswascalledsomething likeit,andI thoughtI'dinventedthe name.Anyway, I gavehimthesehundreds ofpagesandsaid,take anythingyouwant.Minewasa ratherpretentiousbook,I suppose, but therewerequitea lotofcrucialideasin it andDouglashadthis wonderfulwayoftakingthekernelofanideaandturningit around
tomakeitmuchfunnier. Healways hadawayofputtingagagon theend,whereas mynaturalinclination wastogoforward withthe basicideatotrytofinda solution ratherthana gag.Itwasinthat garagethatwejointlycameup withthenumberforty-twoandthe Scrabbleset,whichevenat the timeseemedthe mostwonderful,
striking, simpleandhilarious idea. Apropos offorty-two, bytheway,Griff RhysJones, afriendsincetheirschooldays,remarksthattherewasalwaysa precisionto Douglas's writing.Griffis surethatDouglaswouldhavefirsttoyedwiththe comicpotentialofeigh-
teen,andmulledoverthepossibilities ofthirty-seven. Fivealways seemsa perkylittlenumber, butisitfunny? Bynowforty-two hasbeenthesubject ofagreatdealofarcanespeculation;Douglaswasalwaysamusedanddivertedbyjusthowabstruseandin* Alex Catto inWilliam Mews, Knightsbridge. Years laterAlex, bythenaventure capitalist, wasone oftheinvestors inTheDigital Village.
THE ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES
121
ventivesomeoftheexplanations couldbe.Itisappreciably moredrollthan
forty-one—though perhaps notsuch a ribtickler asseventy-eight. Bizarrely, onceyoubecome sensitized toforty-two, youseeiteverywhere. ItseemstocomeupmoreoftenintheNational Lottery thanitshould(no,
no—thatway,madnesslies).There’s agiantofficebuildingintheCityofLondonwithanilluminated forty-two, lightingupthenightsky,acrossitsupper floors.Mostappropriately thereis a wonderfulbookcalledPowers ofTen*
whichexplores thewholeuniverse bystarting with,roughly, thehumanscale (onemetre) andworking upwards anddownwards inpowers often,fromthe quarktothegreatest knownextentofthecosmos. Thenumberofbaseten
exponents? Forty-two. Itsaysa lotforthepoweroftheideathatitcanbeinvokedwithoutanyneedforcontextintheconfidentexpectation thatpeople
willgetthereference. Douglas's background asa frustrated performer wasagreathelptohim in writingthe dialogueforHitchhiker's. Geoffrey Perkinssaysthatit allread veryfluentlybecauseDouglaswouldhaveheardit spokenin hismindbeforecommitting it to paper.Ontheotherhand,Geoffrey sometimes hadto
remindhimaboutconsistency, forDouglas, understandably reluctant to abandon a hard-won goodbit,wouldsometimes movelinesfromonecharactertoanother. Thewholeexperience, saysGeoffrey, wasenjoyable, butnot
withoutangst. Whileallthiswasgoingon,therehadbeendevelopments overinArling-
tonAvenue. Clarewaspregnant, andsoonerorlatersheandJonnywould needJon'sroomfortheforthcoming child(aSam,asitturnedout).Douglas couldnotcampontheirsquashy sofaforever. SowhenJonCanter, oneofnature’sgentlemen, suggested thattheysharea flattogether, it wastimely.Jon hadfoundaflatupanarrowflightofstairsredolentofdepartedcatsinKingsdownRoad,N19,justofftheHolloway Road.‘ Thoughthismajorthoroughfare
leadsdirectly intoUpperStreet inDouglas's beloved Islington, inthelateseventiesitwasprettygrim—a wasteland ofgarages, downmarket bargain stores, dodgy-looking minicab companies, unbelievable traffic, andcurryhouses * Powers ofTenbyPhilip andPhylis Morrison andCharles andRayEames (Scientific American Library,1982).
T Apropos incontinent moggies, Douglas onceremarked thatunderground carparksallsmellof thesamething: impatience.
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whereforpeaceofminditwasbestnottoaskexactly whatcreature wentinto thevindaloo. Nearthejunction withtheSevenSisters Road,anothermajor trafficarterydespitethe lyricalname,pubs—warehouses fullofhugemen
drinking withCeltic determination—offered detumescent stripshows. Jonrecallsthattherewasnothing eroticwithinmilesoftheHolloway Road. JonandDouglas movedintoKingsdown RoadinJanuary1978, inthe
teethofa miserably wetwinter.Thekitchenwassonarrowthattheycould notbothbeintheresimultaneously, and,iftheywere,theycouldnotgetpast eachotherwithoutthekindofcompromise alientoboththeirnatures.Itwas,
saysJon,“abitDesperate Dan-ish. Infact,theflatwasarealshithole.” Itwasinthisunlikely environment thatDouglas wastowritethenovelof Hitchhiker's, butinthewinterof1977-78 thatcommission wouldhavebeeninconceivable. WritingtheradioscriptsandtheDr.Whoepisodes wasmorethan enough.Douglashadonlytentatively emergedfromthedespondoffailure andwasstillquitefragileinside,howevermuchsuperficially hemaysome-
timeshaveappeared tobea confident Cambridge graduate. Moreover nobodyanticipated thatHitchhiker's wouldexplode insomanydirections so quickly. Geoffrey, whohasa sharpinstinct forsuchthings,reckons thathe knewtheyhadsomething veryspecialbyaboutepisodefour,butit’sfairto saythatbyandlargetheworldwastakenbysurprise.
It'sworthpointing outherethatthesecondradioseries—scheduled to startpre-production inAugust1979 fortransmission beginning theendof January 1980—was ifanything stillmorefraught thanthefirsteventhough everybody knewbythenthattheyhada mega-success ontheirhands.Once morethedeadlinescameexcruciatingly closetothewire. Geoffrey wasagaintheproducer. HeisnowCreative Director ofTigerAs-
pect,oneofthebestindependent production companies. Wheninterviewing himinhisoffice inLondon’s Sohoforthisbiography, thereweremoments whenhesighed ashewentintoatranceofrecollected pressure. Deepinhis bones,Geoffrey understoodthatbeingtheproducerofanyshowwrittenby Douglas was abit likebeingaratinastressexperiment offrightening subtlety.
ThistimeGeoffrey allowed plentyofroomforauthorial dilatoriness by starting thewholeprocess early, theverymoment hereturned fromhissummerholidays. Itwasjustaswellbecause thingswentveryslowly, withfalse startsand scriptsgoingbackand forth.Bymid-Octoberthey had only recordedoneepisode,butwithtransmission ofsixstartingattheendofJanuary,at the rateof oneperweek,Geoffrey thoughtthat,thoughtight,the
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schedulewasfeasible. SurelytheyhaduntilthemiddleofMarchto prepare thelastone? ThenDavidHatch,nowController ofRadioFour,fireda starshell. Youcan
imagine thescenefromoneofthosenavalwarmovies withKenneth More— klaxonsgoingwhoop,whoopalloverMaidaVale,and stiff-upper-lipped chapssayingthingslike,“Whata bore.Theballoonhasgoneup.”David wantedto awardHitchhiker's the ultimateaccoladein termsofthe BBC:the
coveroftheRadio Times. Despite themagazine's title,thefrontcoverwasseldomdevoted toradio;tellyhadtheglamour(Back intheseventies, before everybody wasallowed to publishextended programme information, the
RadioTimes waseasilythe biggestsellingmagazinein the country.It’sstill huge,witha printrun thatlookslikethe populationofa country,andan
evenlargerreadership.) Butaspartofhisnegotiations withtheRadio Times andtheBBC hierarchy, David hadagreed tomakethesecond seriesmoreof aneventbyrunning theepisodes consecutively inasingle week, anarrange-
mentknowninthehumidworldofbroadcastscheduling as“stripping.” This decision,thoughflattering,suddenlyconsumedall of Geoffrey's carefully contrivedDouglasfudgefactor.Theshowstookmonthstowriteanda week
toproduce. Theracewason. It isremarkable howpolished thefinalproduction sounded givenits closeshaveswithdisaster. Geoffrey recallsDouglas writingthescriptwithactorsactuallyinthestudio:
I canremember beingina taxigoingdowntotheParisStudio. Douglas hadgivenmethescriptandI'dreadhalfthepenultimate episode,andI'dbroughtthesecondhalfwithmetoreadontheway down,whichis onlya fiveor ten minutejourney.AndI'mgetting veryexcitedaswegotout ofthe cabwhenDouglassaid,“Doyou
realize thatthisscriptisnowactually toolong,andthissixorseven minutescenecancomeout andgo intothe startof the next episode—so you'venowgotsevenminutesofthenextepisode. Sothatwasgreat.Hurrah.Butwhenwegottothestudioforthe finalrecording,Douglasmust only havewrittenabout halfthe
script.Wetalked,veryroughly, aboutwhatit wasgoingto be— therewasthisruleroftheuniverse,themanin theshack,whowas
goingtobedubbedin.SoI bookedJonathan Prycetobetheruler of the universe,andwhenhe turnedup in the studioI said,“I'm
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verysorry, buttheruleroftheuniverse hasn'tbeenwrittenyet,”becauseDouglasisnowinthebackroomtypingawayonthesethings whichgaveyou six carboncopiesand whichlookedliketoilet paper—sortof ratherflimsy,slightlyhardtoiletpaper.Thatledto
themythofpeoplethinking thescriptshadactually beenwritten ontoiletpaper.Anyway, IsaidtoJonathan Pryce, “It’snotbeenwrittenyet—do youmindbeinganothercharacter calledZarniwhoop?" Andhe said,“Who'sZarniwhoop?” AndI said,“I’mnot sure,he seemsto be sortofvague—abit likeyouin fact.”Sohe didZarniwhoop,andI said,“Well,whilewe'rewaitingforthe rulerof the
universe, doyoumindbeinga tannoyannouncement?” Thiswas rightattheendoftheseriesonthisflightwherethey‘dallbeenbecalmedforhundredsofyearswaitingforthesupplyoflemonscentedpapernapkins.Jonathanhadto do thiswholethingabout
“Returnto your seat,return to your seat.”So he did that, and it was
aboutfiveo'clock, andhesaid,“I'mreallysorry,butI'mdueinthe theatre’—he wasdoingsomething rathermajoratthetime—‘and I'vereallygottogo.”SoIsaid,“Well, ofcourse, that’sOK.” Sobythe timeDouglasemergedwiththisbitofscript,theonlypersonleftto doit wasStephenMoore.Sohe didit. Whenwecametomaketheprogramme, wejustaboutmanaged
it.ButPaddyKingsland andIhadbeenupfortwonightsattheradiophonic workshop. Westartedepisodesixandgotmostofthe waythroughit,andthenPaddysaid:“I’mreallysorry—I’m justhallucinating...”Butwesortofjustaboutfinishedit whenLisa[now Geoffrey's wife]cameroundwithsomechampagneto celebratethe
endoftheshow.Wehadn'tquitefinished theediting, butwehad notimetoputanything behindthatlastfiveminutes—no timefor musicoreffects. SoIjustputwindbehinditbecause itsounded sort ofeerie.Anda cat.Windanda cat.
Geoffrey wincedashedescribed themechanics ofgettingthelastepisode doneandofftotheBBC. HisP.A’s husband hadbeenonstandby forhours withhiscar,buthadbeenobliged toleave. Amessenger waswaiting. I justhadto listento thetapefora finalcheck,soweplayedit. There was a retake that had been in the programme,so we cut it
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out—Lisa cuttheretakeout—butthetapewrappedroundthecapstanhead,sothe twoofus werejustcuttingbitsoftapeandstickingthemtogether.ItleftMaidaValeat abouta quarterpastten,and
hadto getto Broadcasting Housebyhalfpastten.I gotbackto whereIwasliving,onlytenminutesaway,andturnedontheradio fullyexpectingto hearan announcementsaying,we'reverysorry, we cannotbringyou the advertisedprogramme.Butit got there withtwominutesto go.
Douglas wasoutofallthis.AfterthefirsttwoshowsIremember hephonedupontheWednesday night—we wereinthestudio— justsaying,“IthoughtI'dphoneandfindouthowthingswere going.”AndI said:“It’sa bit frantic,but wesortofgotthere.”And he said:“Ohgood.Whatdid you thinkof the showlastnight?I
didn’thearitactually.” Wewerereally, reallyangrywithDouglas— afterallthat,hefucking didn’tlistentothefucking programme go out! Meanwhile,however,backon 8 March1978,at 10:30in the eveningon Radio
Four,andwithno publicityperceptible to humansense,thefirstepisodeof
The Hitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy wasbroadcast. TheBBC's monitoring service wasnotsensitive enoughtodetectanaudience forit,soitrecorded alisteningfigureofzero—none atall. Thensomethingunusualhappened.Douglashad naivelyaskedSimon Brettsomemonthsbeforehandwhatthereviewswouldbe like.Simonhad chortledkindlyin orderto saveDouglasthe disappointment. “Thisis radio,
Douglas. We'llbeluckytogetamention anywhere.” Buttheprogramme was reviewed thatveryweekintwoofthequalitybroadsheet papers, TheTimes and the Observer. (In the latter,the shrewdPaulFerris,who loved it and who
wasparticularly takenwiththeBabelFish,remarked: “Thisjustmightbethe mostoriginalradiocomedyforyears...")What’smore,theprogramme was
promoted bythemostpowerful mechanism knowntoman,onewhichmarketingpeopletryhardest, andwithleastsuccess, tomanufacture: wordof mouth.Thefirsthappylisteners werestunned; theytoldtheirmateswhoin turntoldtheirmates.Likeneutronshittingnucleiandproducingmoreneutrons,a greatdemographic chainreactioncascadedthroughthepopulation. Bythesecondweek,mostofthestudentsin thecountryweretuningin.By
weekthreewordhadgotouttotheworldatlarge,evenasfaraspublishers
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in London. SimonBrettsayshe knewsomething extraordinary hadhappenedwhenhissquashpartner, anengineer, started talking aboutit.Byweek four,theproduction office wasreceiving anunprecedented twentytothirty lettersa day—oneaddressedsimplytoTheHitchhiker's GuidetotheGalaxy, Megadodo House,MegadodoPublications, UrsaMinor.SomeoneinthePost Officehadwritten“tryBBC” onthecorneroftheletter.Youwouldhavehad
tobelivingupa poleona smallislandnottohaveheardoftheseriesby weekfive. Whenthefinalepisodewasbroadcast, 12April1978, Douglas wasfamous, thoughasyethedidnotknowit.Therewasanidentifiable momentwhenthe pennydropped—but that’sforthenextchapter.
“|awokeonemorning andfoundmyself famous.” LORD BYRON ONTHE INSTANT ACCLAIM FoRChildeHarolde
SIX
mearkemMe ry
ca
ll overthe WestEnd,in restaurantswhere even the startersare in
French, youcanspotmenincrumpled corduroy suitsandbeauti-
fullyturned-outwomentoadyingabjectlyto smug-looking mediatrendies. ThesearepublisherslunchingTVproducers(onexpenses, Godforbidother-
wise)inthehopethattheywillbepersuaded tomakea huge-budget, multipart,prime-time serialbasedupononeofthebooksin thepublisher's catalogue. Theso-called TVtie-insarealloverthebookshops, sometimes to bizarreeffect.Someclassictitle,repackaged withsomuchfoilthebooklooks oven-ready, asthe oldjokegoes,andsportingtheembonpoint ofsomecurrentlyhotactress,willlookasifit hadjustsprungintobeingthatverysea-
son.Itmayhavebeenselling foracentury ormore.“Powerful” and“searing” aretwoadjectives towatchoutforwhensomefat,magnificent butstodgy nineteenth-century novelis giventhe tie-intreatment.Theoriginalwas probablywrittenin serialformfora marketsotragically boredanddesperatethatlengthwasa virtuein itself.
But,infact,theradio,thoughnotnearlyashugeastellyintermsofrat-
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ingnumbers,isin manywaysmuchmorereliable.TheRadioFourlisteners
areparticularly valuable. Demographers andmarketresearchers attheBBC willhavetoforgive thesimplification: Radio Fourreaches theconcerned and educated middle classes viaunerring self-selection. Itsaudience isprettywell the book-buyingpublic.Radioshouldneverbe underratedas a meansof sellingbooksjustbecause,asDennisPotterputit,TVistheoccupying power ofourculture.
WhenDouglas Adams's TheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy burstuponthe airwaves in1978, publishers tooknote.BBC Publishing hadbeengivenan earlylookat theproperty, aswastheirright,buthadpassed(something aboutwhichtheyfeltimmensely sickthereafter). Infairnesstothem,comedy and SFhad alwaysbeena commercially vexedmix,and beinginvitedto makea judgementearlyisnotalwaysanadvantage. Theworldwas,afterall,
takenbysurprise. Tothoseofuswhotunedinwithincreasing enthusiasm everyWednesday evening, Douglas, withhiswildverbalpanache andwit, wasClearly a wordsmithwithalltheinstinctsofa writer.Itsoundedsowonderful,itwouldsurelyworkonthepage.Prettysooneditorswerebeatinga pathto JillFoster'sdoor.DotHoughtonofNELwasoneofthe contenders,
andNickAustin ofSphere wasn’t farbehind. Itisoddtobewriting a biography inwhichI,theauthor, havea small role.Otherpeople’s livesareatleastascomplex asone’sown—and much moresointhecaseofDouglas. Justgettingit downseemsto dosomeofthe subtleties amischief. Youcannothelptidyingthingsupa little. Sohowshould Idescribemyself? “Nick Webb,debonair, decisive, destinedtobeplayedinthe
moviebytheyoungClintEastwood, sweptdownontherightslikeamarsh harriersnatching upavole?” Alas,thatwouldbealie. ThetruthisthatIboughttherightstoHitchhiker's andthen,at theendof 1978,leftPanforwhatI (mistakenly) thoughtwasa granderjob.I tookno furtherpartin Douglas’s astonishing publishingsuc-
cess. Inresearching thisbook,Ihavefoundthatafewpeople tendtooverclaim abouttheirrelationswithDouglas—maybe to be closeto the glamourof fame—soperhapsit’stimeto comecleanandtellyouthatmypartin the storyismodest.I likedhima lot—andstilldo,despitebecominghisbiogra-
pher.Weremained matesuntilhedied,butwedidnothaveoneofthoseextraordinary andintensefriendships in whichDouglas invested somuch. Instead wewouldmeetupeverysooften, usually forlunch,andargueabout
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science. Douglas's voracious reading andpiercing intelligence usually leftme labouring alonginhiswake,butI knewenoughtosayfromtimetotime, “Hmm, I dunnoifthat’snotbollocks, Douglas.” Wealways hugelyenjoyed theensuingargument. Atthetimeofthefirstbroadcasting ofHitchhiker's, | wastheFictionEditor at PanBookswhosestaggeringly fashionableofficeswereabovethe Pan
bookshop intheFulham Road, opposite awinebarwherestrangely beautifulwomen wouldlunchwitheachotheraftera heavymorning intheshops. Panwasthenownedby a consortiumofthreelargepublishers, Heinemann,Collins,andMacmillan, andthisownershiphelpedgiveit accessto someofthemostdesirablepaperbackrightsin themarket.Paperback com-
paniesweredistinct fromhardback companies inthosedays,andmostof whatappeared inpaperback waspublished under alicence,usually ofeight ortenyears,boughtfromthefirstpublisherofthework.Backintheseventies,beforetheeraofconglomeration, thereweremanyoftheseindependent hardcoverpublishers. Onlya fewremain.Oneofthetasksofa paperback ed-
itorwastoscoutthesehousesandnegotiate forthemass-market rightsin booksthatlookedasiftheywouldhavea robustsecondlifeinpaperback. Because atthattimepaperbackers didnotoriginate asmuchasthehardcover houses(something thatchangedmarkedlyoverthenextdecades), theywere oftenpatronized(“notrealpublishers, oldboy”)whileatthesametimebeing
treatedaschequebooks onthehoofwhosesolepurpose wastounderwrite somehardcover publisher's dodgier investments. RalphVernon-Hunt, Pan'sManaging Director, justliketheretiring generationofBBCproducers, genuinelywasanex-bomberpilot*Hewasa charming manwitha long,bonyface,a roguishsmileand a saltyno-bullshit manner—very briskand no-nonsensewhen it cameto business.Sonny Mehta,a handsome, aristocratic Indianwithgoodtasteandintuition, wasthe
Editorial Director. HeisnowPresident andEditor-in-Chief ofKnopf, andone oftheindustry'sélite.Sonnyisoftencreditedwithstartingwhatbecamethe tradepaperbackrevolution whenhelaunchedthePaladinlistandpublished Germaine Greer’s TheFemale Eunuch. (Tradepaperbacks arelarger,moreexpen-
siveandusually moreliterary thanthemass-market variety.) Simon Master, * ThereisastoryofRalph beinginterviewed attheFrankfurt Book FairbyDieFrankfurter AllgemeineZeitung,nota frivolous paper.“WhenwereyoulastinFrankfurt, Mr.Vernon-Hunt?” asked theearnestyoungreporter. “Notinexactly, oldboy,”saidRalph.“Over...”
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a clever,somewhatcoolmanwithfamilyconnections tothefirm,ranthesystems,andtherewasa legendarySalesDirector, grey,streetwiseandtough,
calledBobWilliams, whoruleda formidable bunchofrepresentatives with steelbeneatha steelgauntlet. Thereweremanyothersinwhatwasa very competent teamhighlyregarded withinthepublishing parish. Iftheybuya winner,editorsalwaysshrewdlymaintainitwastheirjudgementandnotluck.Ontheotherhand,iftheybuya complete dog,it’sinvariablybecausesomeidiotin the art departmentfailedto packagethe book
properly, therepsneverunderstood itandthebigchains suffered apusillanimouscourage bypass byfailing toorderenoughcopies (or,inextreme cases, any).I wasluckyenoughtobetippedoff:Mysoontobebrother-in-law in darkestNorfolkhadtoldmeto listento Hitchhiker's ontheradio;I wascompletelyoverwhelmed bythehumour,itsbleakphilosophical jokesanditssheer verbaldexterity. ThisblokeAdams, Ithought,mustwritea novel.Inallhonesty
Ihadnottheslightest inkling thatthebookwouldgoasbananas asitdid. Butfirst,throughthegoodoffices ofJillFoster, I metDouglas andJohn Lloyd ina pubinArgyll St,neartheLondon Palladium. Itmusthavebeen aboutthe endofMay1978.TheArgyllArmsis oneofthosenoisypubs,a greatrectangle ofa roomdividedintosmallerbarsbyVictorian glass,andfull
ofyoungsters flirting urgently. Despite this,Douglas andI,beingmuchthe sameheight, managed totalkabovethehubbub. Wediscussed Wittgenstein andquantum physics. Actually that’sa fib.I couldbluffandreportwhatwe saidin immensedetail,butallI canrememberisthatwetalkedaboutHitchhikersandSFin general,andthathe surprisedmebynothavinga philosophydegree.Instead,muchmorevaluably, hepossesseda philosophical turn
ofmind.I thoughthewasratherwonderful. JohnLloyd wasalsoongood form,buthardertohearinthisill-chosen venue.Idorecallhowthewomen inthepubinstantlyclockedhimeventhoughDouglasandI didnotregister ontheirradarat all. Thethreeofusgotontremendously well,andI rememberthinking,asI
mademyslightly unsteady wayhomethatevening, thatiftheofferwerenot toomean,wewouldbesuccessful inacquiring thebook. SonnyMehtarecallswhathappened: Youcamein [that’smelin yourusualshamblingway,saying
therewasthisradioseriesyou'dbeenlistening tothatyouthought wasreallysomething, andthatyoufigured weaskthewriterofthe
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scriptsifhecouldturnit intoa novel.That’sroughlywhathappened.Yougavemesomeofthetapes—I remember listening to them. It was a small contract,but when we published, it just went
throughprintingafterprinting.
Editors arenotsovereign inmostpublishing houses; theyhavetogetthe blessing oftherightforuminordertospendthecompany’s money. Theydo thisattheeditorial meeting, aninstitution thatauthors havelearned todread. Suppose, theyfret,notentirelywithoutreason,thecommittee getsaroundto mybook,inwhichI'veinvestedyearsoftoilandanguish,aftera long,frac-
tious meeting,andit'stimeforlunch.
Attheeditorial meeting (nomenclature mayvary),theeditormakesa pitchabouta booktohisorhercolleagues, usually withthesalesdirector or someprofessional hard-nosealsopresent.Publishing is a businessto some extentconcernedwithmanagingfailure(axiomatically mostofwhat'spublisheddoesnotbecomea bestseller), sothepeoplearoundthetablearepretty
cynical. They've hearditallbefore, andregarditsrepetition asanunnatural act.Youmightthinkthisisa toughtestfortheworkofa delicate authorto endure,butit’snotunreasonable. Theeditorcangetthebenefitofthepooled experience ofthosepresent,andifheorshecannotsellthebookin-house,is itfairtoexpectthesalesteamtosellittothetrade?* Afterall,ifyouthinkthe editorialmeetingteam soundsblasé,let me tellyou its membersare sweet-
nessitselfcompared totheprofessional buyersinthebigbookselling chains likeW.H. Smith. These world-weary, etiolated peoplearesogorged onpublishers’hypethattheycouldscarcelyraisea flickerofinterestifa mile-high silverstarshiplandedon their Swindonwarehouse;they rank as amongstthe
mostjadedonEarth,possiblyintheentirehistoryofthespecies.
ButatthePaneditorial meeting, inanairless roominthemiddleofthe building, SonnyMehtaandtherestofmycolleagues smiled atmyenthusiasm.AftersomehagglingwithJillFosteroverroyaltiesandsub-rightsplits," * Publishing isaconfidence game. Theeditor mustbelieve intheauthor’s work, andtransmit that confidence totherestoftheorganization thatinturnmustconvey ittothetrade.It’sonlyafter thetradehasagreed todisplay theworkthatthepublic hasachance ofbuying it.Itispossible tositinameeting andseethechainofconfidence broken underone’snose,inwhich caseit mustberepaired quickly orelsethebookwillprobably fail. t Thesedefine thepercentages oftheincome fromthesaleofrights thatflowthrough totheauthor’saccount.
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Panacquiredtheworldrightsforan advanceagainstallearningsof£3,000, halfpayableonsignatureoftheagreementandhalfonpublication. Douglas
andJohnLloyd weretheoriginal partiestothecontract, butJohnLloyd's namewaslaterdeleted—and thereby hangs atale. Although notahugeriskforPan,in1978 £3,000 wasa decentsum.John Lloydsaysthatatthetimehewasbadlyindebt,withanoverdraft. It seemedlikea fortune.Writingtogetherwasperfectlynatural.
We'dwrittenlotsofthingstogether—a pilotfortheBBC, a film treatment, a cartoonseriesforthatDutchcompany. We'dtriedlots ofthingsandwewereveryclosefriends, we'dshareda flattogether. Wegotonverywellaswritersbecauseweweren'tthe samesortof writer,sotherewasverylittlecompetition; it wasjusta sortofcooperativething.Welaughed a lot;wehadgreatfun.
Douglas, livinginsqualor withJonCanterofftheHolloway Road, wasalso thrilledtogetanadvance. Heembraced thepossibilities ofhavingsomespare changewithchildlikeglee.JonrecallsDouglasnippingoutto thelocalofflicenceto buysomeCoke,andcomingbackwithan almostunmanageable
crateofthestuff—because hecould. He’dwokenuptotherealization thathe couldaffordtobuyinquantity ifhewanted. Douglas, literally andfiguratively,wasnevera singlebottlepurchaseragain. ButwhenDouglassatdowntowritethenovel,hefelt—as withhisscript andsketchwriting—that heshoulddoitonhisown,withoutJohnLloyd.He wrotetoJohnsuggesting thathe alonewritethebook,andthathewassure
thatJohnwouldseethesenseofdoingthingsthatway. Forallthecomplexities, JohnandDouglas werefriends, andformany monthstheyhadbeenthethicknessofa brickawayathomeandatwork,so thefactthatDouglasputallthisin a letterwasparticularly hurtfulto John. Whynottalk,forgoodnesssake?ItmaysuggestthatDouglasfoundit a dif-
ficultsubject tobroach, butitisjustaslikelythathediditinallinnocence, notanticipating thatitwouldbeaproblem, butonlyknowing thatonehad to be formalaboutsuchunderstandings. Itwas,asheexplainedin aninterviewwithNeilGaiman,hisproject.Althoughhe hadfeltit mightbe funto collaborate, whenherealizedhecoulddoithimself, hechangedhismind.He
waswithinhisrights, butasheadmits:
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I shouldhavehandleditbetter.JohnLloydandI areincredibly goodfriends, butontheotherhandweareincredibly goodatrubbingeachotherupthewrongway.Wehavetheseridiculous fights whenI’mdeterminedto havea go at himand he’sdeterminedto havea goat me*
Douglas wastakenbysurprise bythevehemence oftheirrow.ButJohnwas furious. Being firedoffthebookwasaburningcoalinhisheart.Hewashumiliated.Yearslater,when both men werereconciled,it wasstilla subjectthat
hadtobesteppedaroundasdelicately asa sapperprobingfora mine.Douglas,bythenfullyawarethathe hadbeena clodhopper, rationalized that it had been good for John,for it had pushed him into tellywhere he became
hugelysuccessful. John,suffused withthebenignity thatfollows thepassage ofdecades andtheextinction ofafriend, saysthatDouglas's needtowritethe bookonhisownwasvindicated byresults.Nobodyelsecouldhavecaptured his voiceor done it so well.Of course,John explains,he sulkedfor a while,
butnowheunderstands thatDouglasdidtherightthing.
However, atthetimeithurtdeeply. Wetendtolietoourselves aboutour friendships becausesuchfibsreflectwellonourownresources ofemotionalgenerosity. What'smore,facinguptothepossibility thatfriendships cansometimesbe a matterofconvenience requiresus to be unflinchingly clear-sightedabout the fallibilityof humanrelationsand the horrorof
loneliness. JohnandDouglas's relationship wasaplanetinahighlyellipticalorbit.Sometimes itwouldbeclosetoitsstarandbasking inthewarmth. Othertimesitwouldberemoteandfrozen—and atalltimesitwouldhave a ferociousprecessionasit wobbledaroundan axisofenvyandcompetition. Johnwasdriventofindanagenttorepresenthisinterests. Asa staffer, his
creative workattheBBC wastheproperty oftheorganization, butventures outofhousebelonged tohim.Besides, agentsareenormously usefultoserve as a toughie(“mypartner,Mr.Gradgrind”) whenyouwouldfindit embarrassingtofighta particularbattleyourself. MarkBerlin,ofLondonManagement, had admiredJohn since seeinghim in revue at Cambridge,and was
happytotakehimon.Markistidy-minded, courteous, andsteelywhenre* Don’tPanic.
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quired.Hehasa filingsystemofan efficiency unparalleled inthehistoryof the industryand canevenfindnotesoftelephoneconversations that occurreda quarterofa centuryago.John,Markrecalls,washurtbyDouglas’s decisionandsaid“thathewasnotpreparedtobe Douglas's emotionalfoot-
ballanylonger.” MarkandJillFoster haggled asonlyagentscan.Itwasallverycivilized. Mark’sadvicetoJohnwastoaskfor15%oftheincomefromthebookinperpetuity,a betterlong-termbetinMark'sviewthana moresubstantial share ofthe advance.Thecalculation of 15%wasbasedon John’shelpwithtwo
episodes outoftwelve, i.e.onesixth,roundeddowntoa moreconvenient number. Johnsaysthathewouldnothearofsuchanarrangement andchose instead theenhanced shareoftheadvance. Perhaps hejustwanted todrawa lineundera painfulwranglebysettlingfora paymentthatwouldclosethe subjectforever.Ofcourse,he mayhavefiguredthata chequeinthehandis
worthseveral inthefutureifyou'rebroke,buthewasalsoconcerned with doingthedecentthing.Inthemanycomplications oftheirrelationship John andDouglas wereadeptatinducing subtleguiltsineachother.Intheend, aftersometoingandfroing,JohnLloyd'sinterestinthecontractwasbought outforhalftheadvance,butwithnocontinuingparticipation in anysubsequentroyaltyincome.
Thisisaninteresting wrangle fromthepointofviewofwhatm’learned friends havetaughtustocall“intellectual property.” IfJohn’s contribution in thetwoepisodes heco-wrote (outoftwelve) hadbeentohelpdevise thees-
sentialfurnitureofthenarrative, thenhewouldhavebeenentitledtoa small butproportional shareofallthesubsequentincarnations ofthework.Evenif
hehadwholly writtentwoepisodes, butwithoutcreating theinfrastructure ofthenarrative, hewouldbeentitledtoshareproratainanydirectuseofhis
material. ButDouglas wascareful nottouseanything fromepisodes fiveand sixinthebook.Thiswouldhaverenderedtheargumentforcontinuingparticipationuntenable.Onthe otherhand,ifyouwerepreparedto be really bloodyaboutit(which,to hiscredit,Johnwasn’t), it mayhavebeenpossible
tonegotiate somemoremoneyinorderfortheproprietor nottobetroubled byanyfurtherencumbrance. Given thatThe Hitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy went ontosella millioncopiesinrecordtime,thismusthavebeen abit gallingfor John,buthewasn’tthevictimofunfairness. Moneywasnotthewholeissue in anycase.InthefebrileworldofdauntinglybrightCambridge smarties,it
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wasfame,andespecially therecognition ofcreativeexcellence, thatwerethe spur
Johnwasdeeply cheesed offforyears. Douglas mayhaveneedled himin a peculiarly sensitive spot.Asa producer Johnhasbeeninspirational, butit mustbefrustrating tobethenurtureroftalent,foreveroutofshotwhenthe publicmakesstarsofthoseinfrontofthecamera.Ashesaid: The thing is, Douglaswas the first in our circleto make it. He
was arich personlongbeforeanyoneelse.ThenMelSmithgotrich andput£3,000 onahorse,andthatseemed mad.Nowlotsofpeopleoneknowsin thecomedysnakepitownstringsofracehorsesso nobodythinkstwiceaboutbringinga bottleofchampagneor or-
deringone.[Douglas hadordereda bottleofchampagne ina Chineserestaurant tothebewilderment ofthewaiterandamazement ofhisfriends.] ButDouglas wasalways a stepahead,andit’smore evidencethat he wentthroughlifewith a bag overhis head;he didn’trealizethatpeoplewouldbehurt.Andyet,heusedto saythe sameaboutme.Yearslaterhe said,“Jremembergoingto dinner
onceatyourhouse,Johnny, andyousaidtome:‘Pass thesalt,you failure.” Andhe'dcarried thatinsidehimforfifteen yearsofmultimillionaire success—this cankerinsidehimsaying, hehatesme,he
thinksI'ma failure.I thinkanyonewhoknowsmewillunderstand that I am just not capableof that kind of blatantcruelty.It was
probably saidasajokeorsomething... Once,afterNottheNine O'Clock News [thehugeTVhitproduced by John],Sean Hardie,the producer,and I went for a rather miserable
weekto the SouthofFranceto inventa newproject.Wedidn’treally comeup with anything—we’d been workingtoo muchto-
getherandtooclosely andhadrunoutofthingstosay.Butwedid comeupwiththisideafora sitcom. ItwascalledRichBastard. It wasaboutthiswriterwho'sveryrichandratherclodhopping inthe * Despite working formanyyearsinaferalAmerican corporation which prided itself, forsomeperversereason, onitskiller corporate culture, | havenevercomeacrosssuchcompetitiveness— usually unstated—as thatwhich prevails among theclever Cambridge media setthatgraduated withDouglas.
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waythatDouglas was.Itwasslightly abouthim.[Inthesitcom] he hadthisfriend,whowasa radioproducer whohewasalways terribly,improbably jealousof—which wasslightlytherelationship wehad.WhateverDouglasdid,he alwaysseemedto feelI'dbested him,includingthe businessofhavingchildrenfirst.Heusedto go
aroundsayingthatbastardLloyd’s beatenmeagain. TheplanhadbeenforDouglasandLloydie toflytoCorfu(again). Therethey wouldwritethebook,andattheendofa righteousdayat theword-face they wouldtotterdownthroughthecooloftheeveningand thescented,balmy airandrewardthemselves, whilethestarscameout,witha jollymealanda
bottleofretsina inthelocaltaverna. Withanylucktheymightbeabletooffer anoptionontheirbodiestoanypassing female Scandinavian tourists... Instead,Douglasrepairedto theflatoffthe Holloway Road,a longway fromtheGreekislandsin everysense.Therehe setaboutwritingwithwhat
was(forhim)grimmethod. Thisiswhathetooktohisroom:lotsofCoke(the drink),a typewriter, severalreamsofA-4,a gramophone, and “Wuthering
Heights” byKateBush(fortranceinduction). Heplayedituntilheworethe needleout.JonCanter,heroically good-natured, waswornoutaswell. AlistairBeaton,the authorand playwright, identifiesfourstagesin the collapseofan author’sself-esteem. Theygoroughlylikethis:
1)Thisisbloody difficult. Imaybeblocked.
2)Ohno,ohno.Ican’tmanage thisbitatall.
3)Gloom,gloom.Bloodyhell.IfI'mhonestwithmyself I can’twriteany ofit. 4)Thetruthis,I justcan’twriteatall.I'ma fraud,andfinallyI have
beenfoundout. DouglasdidnotgetveryfardowntheBeatonScaleforthisfirstbook,buthe wasa manwhoneededcompany. Insolitudehe couldeasilyfallintoa kind of gloomyvacancy.Writing,as wellas all its technicalchallengesand its
brain-bruising callsoninvention andtalent,islonely, andthewriter’s world tendstoshrinktojustaroomandthekeyboard. JohnLloyd says: Douglaswasdeterminedto provehimselfbecausehe’dbeena cooperative writer with Adams,Smith,Adams,Graham Chapman,
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RingoStarrandme.He’dneverdoneanything, exceptforthefamoussketchaboutthe Kamikazepilot,on hisown.Andsohe was determined,when he got the contractto do Hitchhiker's, that he woulddo the damnedthinghimselfand provehe was a proper writer.
Characteristically, Douglas delivered late.Inhisintroduction to thecompendiumvolumeoftheHitchhiker's novels,he describeshisdelinquency like this:
Aftera lotofprocrastination andhidingandinventing excuses andhavingbaths,I managed togettwothirdsofit done.Atthis point they said,very pleasantlyand politely,that I had already passedtendeadlines,sowouldI pleasefinishthepageIwasonand letthemhavethe damnthing.
Meanwhile Iwasbusytryingtowritethesecondseriesandwas alsowritingandscript-editing Dr.Who, becausewhileit wasvery pleasant tohaveyourownradioseries,especially onethatsomebody had writtenin to saytheyheard,it didn’texactlybuy you lunch.
Certainly thefirstnoveljudders toahaltwitheverynarrative strandinsuspension. AtthetimeIimagined—naive gitthatIwas—that hisabruptfinish wasadeliberate literarydevice,akindofplayfulsuborningoftheconvention wherebyfictionissomuchtidierthanlife.Alsothefinalpage,inwhichthe characterssetoffto the restaurantat the endofthe universe,lookedlikea
shameless meansofwhetting themarket's appetite forasequel. Butno.Pan's fictioneditorCaroline Upcher andSonnyMehtahadjustgotannoyed by beingstrungalongbyDouglas, whowasnotguiltyofdeliberate liesabout deliverysomuchasoptimistic andsincereself-deception. InDon’t Panic, Neil Gaimanreportsthat Panexecutives spokewithDouglasalongtheselines: “Howmuchhaveyoudone?”then,“Ohdear,well,it willhaveto do—we'll
sendsomebody tocollect it.”Caroline doesnotremember sucha conversation,anditwouldgoagainst anypublisher's graintopublish something incomplete.It’smore likelythat Douglasestimatedthat he wouldhave roundedthestoryoffmoresatisfactorily bythetimethemotorcycle messengerarrived—but hehadn't.
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Pan'spaperback hadbeencatalogued, presentedtothechainsandawitty one-pageflyerhadbeendistributed allovertheenvironment. Thecoverhad
beendesigned (Hipgnosis artwork withPan'sIanWright doingthelayout) andprinted, andwaswaiting onthebindinglineat Clays, thebigbookprinterinBungay, Suffolk. Therepshadsubscribed thebooktothetrade,and the turnoveranticipatedin the annualbudget.Justabouteverythingthat couldbe donehadbeendoneshortofhavingtheactualtext.Thepointhad beenreachedwhentheyjusthadto havethebook.
JohnLloyd reported thattohimatfirstthenovelreadrathertoomuch liketheworkofthegreatKurtVonnegut* Thereviewers alsopicked upon this,thoughithastobesaidthatthemoreDouglas wroteandrewrote, the morethevoicebecamehisown.HeandVonnegutdo havemuchin com-
mon.Vonnegut islessexplicitly comic, moredarklysardonic andmoreartful aboutnarrative construction. Bothwritershavea senseoftheabsurd— thoughDouglas's ismorecosmic—and theyhavemastered animmediate andconversational stylethatiseasyto read,buthellto write.Vonnegutisa humanist;asheputsitsowellinGodBless You, Dr.Kevorkian, hehastriedtobehavedecentlywithoutanyexpectation ofrewardor punishmentafterhe’s
dead.Healways seemsmelancholy aboutthehumancondition andthehorrificthingswecandotoeachother. Afterall,hewitnessed thefirebombing of Dresden, something sounspeakable thatittookhimovertwodecades tofind a wayof writingaboutit (Slaughterhouse Five). Youcan imagineVonnegut banginghisheadonhisdeskandsighingwitha blendofsarcasmandsadnessatmankind'santics.Douglas, ontheotherhand,islesssatirical; withthe
exception ofLast Chance toSee, hefindshumanity notsomuchtragically gracelessascomically odd. Bizarrely, Vonnegut, despitepre-datingDouglas byageneration, wasonce reviewedbysomeonewhosaidhehadwrittena veryAdamsybook,vizhis superbnovel,Galapagos." ThatnoveldoesindeedshareDouglas’s preoccupa-
tionwithevolution. Vonnegut pointsoutthatinthelongtermbigbrainsare notallthatdesirable fromtheevolutionary pointofview.Ina fragile world thepossessors ofthemcanusetheirintelligence toruintheplanetinways unimaginable bya lessintellectually endowedspecies(and,he asks,isintel* Ifyouhaven’t triedhim,startatonce.Slaughterhouse Five, Player Piano, GodBlessYou, Mr. Rosewater, Breakfast ofChampions andGalapagos areessential reading. t Published intheUKbyJonathan Cape, 1985.
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ligence anadaptation thatmakesforhappiness?). Vonnegut’s character who useshighexplosives “asa branchofshowbusiness” isa tropethatDouglas wouldhavebeenproudto devise.Butin theliteraryantecedents game belovedbycritics,it’sclearthatthishadalwaysbeenVonnegut’s voice—and hestartedwritingwhenDouglaswasscarcelytallerthana dachshund.
ThenovelofHitchhiker's wasnotthefirstreincarnation oftheradioseries. KenCampbell, oftheScienceFictionTheatreofLiverpool, hadheardthese-
riesandhadimmediately thought itcouldandshouldbestaged. Hewasvery quickoffthe mark,and soughtoutJillFosterto licensethe dramatisation rights.Hiswasto be thefirstofmanytheatricalversionsofHitchhiker's that continuetothisday.Includingtheamateurproductions, thesemustnumber
intothehundreds bynow.Therehasevenbeenastageversion ofthehorriblycomplex DirkGently’s Holistic Agency, directed byArvindDavidinOxford, thatDouglaslikedverymuch. | KenCampbellmayonlybe familiarto peopleundertwenty-fiveas a characteractoron the box.Heis a small,quick-witted baldywithbulging
eyesandamannersobelligerent andfizzing withenergy thatifhewereever to takestimulants hewouldprobably explode. Hisvoice,stillwithLiverpudliancadences, screeches withindignation. Itcanpenetrate a bankvault doorat a hundredyardsandhasthestrangulated qualityofa manwhojust a momentbeforehasstoppedscreaming. ButifwewereevertohaveHeroes
oftheBritish Isles(astheyhadoftheSoviet Union), hewouldgetmanyvotes forservices totheatre, funandgeneral subversion. Insomeways,KenCampbellisa similar spirittoDouglas—inventive, funny, somewhat amazed byit all.
TheScienceFictionTheatreof Liverpool,foundedin 1976,couldnot have
beenfurtherfromtheluvvieworldoftheWestEndwithallthosenicelyob-
servedplayswithsofasandFrenchwindows. Kenwasnotinterested in miniatures; helikedabiggercanvas. Oneofhisfirstprojects wasa “Discordianproduction” (“We're Discordians—We StickApart”), in whichanybody couldtakepart.ThiswasbasedupontheIIluminatus! trilogybyRobertAnton WilsonandRobertShea.Thesebooksmaybeafruitcake,buttheyarethegi-
antsofthefruitcake world—indigestibly rich,spanning thousands ofyears, andcontaining everypossible paranoia-inducing orarcaneingredient you canimagine. TheIlluminati aretheultimate conspirators withtheiroctupoid fingersin a plenitudeofpies—theCathars,themasons,theCatholicChurch, the greatPyramids, the KnightsTemplar, Atlantis ...One seductiveangleto
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theconspiracy isthatthelackofevidencetosupportit,supportsit,forsurely only they—the Illuminatithemselves—have the resourcesto covertheir tracksup so completely. Fearingthat IIluminatus! did not requiresufficient
commitment fromitsaudience, beingamereeighthours,Ken’s nextproductionwasTheWarp, atwenty-two hourcultepicwithbreaksforfood,hygiene andalcohol.According to RobertAntonWilson,it alsoachievedthedistinctionofwinningtheprizeforthegreatestnumberofsimulatedblowjobsin onedramainthehistoryoftheatre.
Ken’s approach toTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy wascharacteristically imaginative, quickandenergetic. Hesayshehadneverheardoftheprogramme untilsomefansranghimupandtoldhimtolisten.“Thatseemed great,”hesaid.“Imean,herewasanaudiencedemandinga show.” Theproductiontookplacewithdazzlingpromptness(theend ofMay,
1979) intheInstitute ofContemporary Arts,inCarlton Terrace, London. This elegantRegency buildingon theMall(thewideavenuethatrunsfrom Trafalgar SquaretoBuckingham Palace) ispossibly theposhestbitofreal estateinLondon. Thedramastartswiththedestruction oftheEarthso,in orderforthe audienceto feelfullyengaged,Kendecidedto takethemoffplanet.Proceedings beganwiththe saleof Pan-Galactic GargleBlasters,a
cocktail thatDouglas described ashavinganeffectlikebeinghitoverthe headwitha sliceoflemonwrapped around a goldbrick.Theperformance kickedoffin thefoyerwiththeaudience—only eightyorsoperperformance—sitting downonaraised dais.In factthiswasa platform,devised by a man calledMikeHurst,mounted on industrialskates.Thesewere de-
signedtomovemassive bitsofplantbyfloating themona millimetre or twoofairpumpedunderpressure throughthousands oftinyholes*Despitetheweight,theresultwasalmostfrictionless, sothewholeaudience— with the platform,all seventeenhundredtons of it—couldbe moved around smoothlyfrom set to set rather than sittingthere like nonparticipantpotatoeswhileunderpaidASMschangedthesceneryinfrontof
them.Itwasa radicalandinnovative idea,andtheproduction wasa huge success. * Fortheborderline obsessivefan,| canreportthattheplatform wassupportedby22”diameter
bluedisc-skates fromRolair Systems andthatMotivair supplied thecompressed airfroma 152DS Hydrovane Compressor. Even theStage, theprofessional thesps’ magazine, saiditwas technically brilliant, butaddedthattheseating wasinsufficiently raked.
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Theshowwasalsostunningly noisy,butTribune magazinesaidina review
that“theactorsresisted thetemptation tooverreact against thedin.”Thetwoheaded Zaphod problem wassolved byhaving twoactors inasingle suit.You couldn't geta tickettosaveyourlife.Morepeoplewereturnedawaythan
wereletin. Itwasa completesell-out.Douglaswasthrilled.
Inspired bythesuccess ofthefirstouting,KenCampbell decidedto restageHitchhiker's thefollowing yearJuly 1980) at theRainbow, a huge, rathergloomy building inFinsbury Park,northLondon, thathadstartedlife asa confident1930scinema,sufferedfroma changingmarketforitwasjust toobigtomakeeconomic sense,andeventually transmogrified intoa funky venueforrockconcerts. (Morerecentlyitwashometo charismatic Christian
evangelists, something thatDouglas wouldhavegrieved about.) TheRainbow production wasbrave,butdoomed. AsMikeSimpson saysinhisHitchhiker's
Guide, themostcharitablethingthatcanbe saidaboutthisproductionwas thatitfeaturedlasers,andwaslong.Thecriticsexcoriated it.Thesubtletyand witoftheoriginaldidnotsurvivethebigtreatmenthappily.Themostsuc-
cessful theatrical versions, liketheTheatr Clwyd showdirected byJonathan Petherbridge, arequiteintimate.
Anotherdealexecutedbeforethepublication ofthefirstbookwasforthe recordingrights.Perversely (forsurelytheyknewwhattheyhadby now?), BBCEnterprises hadonceagainpassedontheaudioopportunity, perhapson
thegrounds thatinrecordformtheunabridged radioserieswouldhaverequiredathree-album set—we’re talking bigvinylplatters here,don’tforget, not CDs—or a doubletapecassette.Bothwouldhavebeenexpensiveand dauntingforthe market.Withthewisdomofretrospectthe BBCfeelsnauseousaboutthisnow.
In1979, Geoffrey Perkins hadtalkedtoseveral recordcompanies thathad expressed interest inissuing Hitchhiker's commercially. Hewasonthepointof signing withoneofthemwhentheproprietor insisted onshowing hima hardcorepornfilm,a hopelessmisjudgement ofthecultureofhispotential businesspartner.Intheend,Geoffrey andDouglasdecidedon a smallcom-
pany,Original Records, thatseemed insympathy withthenatureoftheprojectandhadspecialized incomedy* Geoffrey assembled muchoftheoriginal radiocastwitha fewminor * ThiscompanyhasnothingtodowiththepresentOriginal Records, a reggaemusicspecialist.
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changes. SusanSheridan wasonaDisney filmsoCindyOswin fromtheICA productionplayedTrillian. DeepThoughtwasnot playedby Geoffrey McGivernbut by ValentineDyall,the ownerof a famouslychocolatey voice*
Someoftheradiomusiccouldnotbereplayed onarecordforcopyright reasons(forinstance, ithadcomefromalbums already licensed exclusively toa recordcompany). Thenewmusic,byTimSouster, wasregardedasatriumph. Allin all,Geoffrey waspleased.Thecuttinghadsharpenedthenarrativeline andtherewerea numberofimprovements to thevoicetreatmentsandthe effects. Someslightlymorehigh-techequipmentwasavailableandthistime
theteamwerebetterabletodrawbreathandthinkaboutwhattheywere doing. Thedoublealbumsoldremarkably well(over120,000 units), especially as itwasinitiallyavailableonlythroughmailorderat£6.99(including postage andpacking) viaa coupon,ostensibly writtenbyZarniwoop himself,at the backofthe Panpaperback. Thechequehadto be madeoutto Megadodo
Publications. Thiscouponwastakenoutoflaterprintings afterPanreceived complaints aboutfulfilment, andindeedGeoffrey Perkins reported thathe andthecastnevergotpaidforthefirstrecording, something thatmadethe
secondrecording ofTheRestaurant attheEndoftheUniverse “alotlessinteresting.” Infacttherewasa majorproblemwiththeroyalties, withtheresultthatEd
Victor, whobecame Douglas's agent,pushedthecompany intobankruptcy whenitdefaulted. Original Records seemtohavehurriedthemaking ofthe secondalbumtotheextentthatthequalitysuffered, butthefirstissuperb, andifyouhavea copy,hangon to it.It isnowa collector’s itemandquite valuable.
Douglas nowwasstarting tomakesomemoney. Itwasnotatsunami of cash,butenoughforhimtobuyablueMGsportscar.Hewenteverywhere init,possibly thetenyardstothepillarboxattheendoftheroadandcertainlydownto Dorsetto showitofftohismumandallthefamily. Douglaswasnot oneof nature'sdrivers.It’snot so muchthat he was clumsy,it was more a matter of attention.He lovedto talk,even in the car.
He’dbemaking somefascinating pointbuthewouldnotbefocused onthe six-axle forty-ton cement lorrywiththepneumatic brakesthathadimprobablyjuststoppedon a sixpencein the laneahead.“ForGod'ssake,”you wantedto say,“stopyourmindzoomingandpirouettingaboutthe strato* He’d beenTheManinBlack foracelebrated Home Service radioseries.
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sphereandcomedowntoroadlevel.” WhenDouglas wasdriving a manual hewouldchange gearfromtimetotimeasifheremembered thatthat’swhat drivers did. When he becamesuccessful,and beforehe settleddown with large,sensible,automaticsaloons,he had flings(soreminiscentofhis father’sromance
withAston Martins) withseveral Porsches. Thefirstone,a 911,hecrashed into thePiccadilly underpass atHydeParkCorner justoutside theHardRock Café wherea hugequeueofpeopleapplauded withsatirical cheeriness; nice JacquiGraham,the PressOfficerof Pan,had to comeout in her littleRenault
andrescuehim.Hewalkedawayfromthecarandneversaw it again.Hesaid he hatedthe caranyway:“Goingfora drivewaslikesettingoutto invade
Poland.” Nevertheless, heboughtanotheroneofwhichhesaid:“Itwaslike takinga Mingvasetoafootball match.” (Buffs mightnotethatanobnoxious PorschedriverfeaturesinSoLong, andThanks forAlltheFish.) Thissecondcarhe soldwhen he was in a militantlyanti-smokingphaseand StephenFry smokedinit—buthemayhavejustfancieda newoneanyway. Thethirdwas
stolenandneverseenagain.Thefinalsportscar,liketheritualsceneof cleansing attheendofa Hammer Horrormovie, wastotallyconsumed by fireatthePorsche garage whenitwasinforaservice. Afterthis,Douglas took
a briefcarholiday.InDouglas’s accountofthestory,thegaragestillaskedfor theirawesomebillto be paidon thegroundsthattheyhadcompletedthe
service before thefirebrokeout.OnceDouglas tookmefora rideinthislast absurdvehicle. Itwasa928turbo.“When youputyourfootdown,” Douglas explained, “there’s justtheteensiest delay: it'sthecarasking you—do youre-
allywantto dothis?” Allthrough1979,themomentumofHitchhiker's famewentongathering. Douglasgavemoreandmoreinterviews fromhissqualidflat,forit would
havebeenbadformtoinvitejournos tohisworkplace intheBBC. InAugust, hewasGuestofHonour attheworldannualSFconvention. Thatyearitwas “Seacon,” heldintheGrandHotel, Brighton. Thereisadegree ofcontact be-
tweenthewritersandreadersofSFthatisnotmatchedin anyotherliterary genre.Thewritersgeta weekendonexpenses, a welcomeboosttotheiregos
anda valuable opportunity togetfeedback straight fromthemarket. Ina senseallwriting istalking tothereaders, butitis—as faras1know—only SF thathasformalized theprocess ofturning themonologue intoadialogue via * Don'tPanic.
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so manylargeand well-organized conventions. What'sin it forthe fans? Theygetto meetauthorstheyadmireandto enjoythesocietyofthosewith
asimilar interest. Theyalsohavefunandfrequently drinktoomuch. InfactitwasnotlongbeforeHitchhiker's spawned itsowndedicated conventions. Onlytheyearafterpublication therewas“Hitchercon” intheAlbanyHotelinGlasgow (26-28September 1980). Douglas—or theBigDashe wasknown—was guestofhonour.Thereweremanysubsequent conventions andtheBigDattendedwhenhe couldin orderto performashimself—and
receive atremendous boosttohisamour propre. Anofficial fanclub,ZZ9Plural ZAlpha, withitsownniftyandwell-written magazine, Mostly Harmless, started in 1980.Thiswasavailable on subscription forenthusiastic “ZZ9ers,” the nomenclaturebasedon the coordinatesat whichArthurand Fordare pluckedfromthe icyvacuumof spaceby Zaphod'sstolenImprobability Drive.
Usually at conventions liketheonein Brighton—“worldcons” to give themtheirslightly surreal title—there isnoprizeforradio.However, thereis an awardforthe best SFrepresentation otherthan in artworkor words. Rathertoeverybody's disappointment inBrighton, itwaswonbythefilmSuperman, whichreceiveda politeroundofapplause.Hitchhiker's camesecond;
theaudience stoodupandgaveita standing ovation, afactnotlostonthe producers ofSuperman, whoweregracious enoughtosuggest thattheorder shouldhavebeenreversed. Iwasatthatconvention inthelineofduty,butI’membarrassed to admit thatin a momentofweaknessImetupwithsomeonewhothoughta sound strategyforappreciating the BestSFCreatureCostumeCompetition wasto
takeillegaldrugs.Alas,| remember verylittle.However, beforebeingled astray, IhadadatewithDouglas forabeer.Anincident thatsticks inmymind wasbeingdisplacedatthebarbya femalefan(seriously enthusiastic aswell asseriously female)whohadpointedherbosomatDouglaswiththekindof
graceful singleness ofpurpose thatoneassociates withnavalgunsswivelling forabroadside. Tactfully Ideparted, leaving Douglas withahuge,uncontrollablepriapic grinonhisphizzog. History doesnotrecordwhether hekept himselfentirelypurethatweekend. BythetimePanpublishedTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy, Douglaswas alreadyingreatdemand.JacquiGrahamnevertheless dida relentlessly pro-
fessional jobofpromoting him.There wasnoradioorTVstationsoobscure, nomagazine orjournalsoesoteric thatitdidnotgeta letter,a copyofthe
MAKING IT 145
bookanda follow-upcall.Thelistofinterviews couldbemistakenforBrad's PressGuide.FromtheInternational Herald Tribune to MissLondon, Douglasdid
thelot.Hissigning session inRogerPeyton's celebrated Andromeda bookshopinBirmingham soldover450copies, a recordunbroken tothisday.On theroad,beingmade a fussof,onexpenses, andperforming theroleheknew
best,thatofhimself—he adoredit,andwasalwaysa completetrouper.Autographingbooksuntilhisarmached,listeningpolitelyto thesamequestion thathe’dheardonlythirtytimesthatdayandchortlingappreciatively at its
insight, tellingjokesoncue,notoverrunning hisallotted time,tailoring his anecdotes tothepreoccupations oftheinterviewer, itwaslikedaysanddays ofstand-up toanaudience thatlovedyoubefore youevengotonstage. Evenbetter for his moralewas that he and Jacquibecame,as we used to
sayinthosedays,anitem.JacquiGrahamwasanunattached, brainy,veryel-
egantblonde whostilllooksmuchasshedidthen(though nowhappily marriedwithchildren). ShespeaksofDouglas warmly butwitha certaincool clarity. Hewas,sherecalls, romantic, amusing, relentlessly self-absorbed, spoilt,vain,emotional,entertaining, givento extravagant gestures,unpragmatic,exasperating, andfuntobewithmostofthetime.Theirswasnota relationshipdestinedto lastforever,but theyenjoyedthemselves whileit did
andremained friends. The Hitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy waspublished on12October 1979 asaPan original, price80p,withaninitialrunof60,000 copies. Thatdisappeared in-
stantly.Theyreprinted,and reprintedagain(thistimeat 85p),then again. Withinthree months the book had solda quarter of a millionunits,the first hundred thousand in only four weeks,and it had been number one in the
Sunday Times paperback bestseller listsincepublication. It wasreviewed everywhere. PhilipOakes interviewed Douglas atlengthintheall-important Sunday Times. Therewasa largepictureofDouglaslookingcoolwiththecaption:“Higher absurditystrikesit rich,”anda chunkyheadline:“Cultists finda guidinglight.” Inthesamepaper,Hitchhiker's wasselectedasoneoftheBooksoftheYear
byPhilippa Toomey (‘Iamdeeplygrateful toDouglas Adams forThe Hitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy, justasgoodastheradioserial...”). Herchoice wasa
welcomereliefasmostoftheliteratihadplumpedforMarySoame’s biographyofClementine Churchill, VolumeTwooftheLyttleton Hart-Davis Letters
(no,honestly) ortheMemoirs ofShostakovich editedbySolomon Volkov. Douglaswassensitive aboutthefactthathedidnotoftengetconsidered alongside
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mainstream “literary’—for wantofalesstendentious word—material, sohe wasparticularly pleased tobegraced bythatultimate accolade ofrespectability:fourintellectuals discussing himonRadio Three's Critics’ Forum* Fivemonthslatertherewasa hardcovereditionofthework—now a collector’sitem—licensed byPanandpublishedbyArthurBarker, animprintof Weidenfeld andNicolson thatspecialized inlibraryeditions.(Library suppli-
ersemployed legions ofnimble-fingered womenonpiecework whowould prepare booksexactly aslocallibrarians preferred. Therewasagloriousinconsistency aboutthisamonglibrariansin differentauthorities.) Buton Wednesday10October,two daysbeforethe publicationdate, somethinghappenedthatbroughttherealityhometo Douglaslikenothing
else.Bytheevening ofthatday,whenbychance hewashavingdinnerwith Terry Jones, theMontyPython, hewascrazywithexuberance, quiteincandescent withtheknowledge ofit.
AsDouglasrecountedthisstory(soit mayhavegained alittle in transmission), Panhadarrangeda signingsessionforhimat 12nooninLondon's
premierSFspecialist shop,Forbidden Planet, whichwastheninDenmark StreetintheWestEnd.Using theirusualandveryreliable carservice, Jacqui Graham hadarranged fora drivertopickDouglas upfromhisghastly flat, butastheyapproached thevenue,thegoinggotveryslow.Therewerepeople throngingthe streetsin unnaturalnumbers.“I'msorry,guv,”saidthe driver,“butwe'rehavingtroublegettingthrough.I don’tknowwhat'sgoing
on.I haven'theardofanything ontheradio.Mustbea bloodydemoora marchorsomething.” Butitwasn’t ademo,oramarch. Whathadcaused congestion intheWest Endthatdaywasthehugecrowdofpeopleenthusiastically converging on Forbidden PlanettomeetDouglas. Aproposedone-hoursigningsessionhad
fansqueuing roundtheblock, anditlastedsolongintotheevening thathe waslatefordinner. Hehadstopped thetraffic. ItwasthedaythatDouglas knewhewascondemned toeverlasting fame. Hehadmadeit.
* Critics’ Forum, Radio Three, broadcast 26January 1980,withRobert Cushman, Benedict Nightingale, Claire Tomalin andRichard Cork. Theyloved it.
“When | hearMozart, | understand whatitisto bea human being; when|hearBeethoven, |understand what itistobeBeethoven; butwhen | listentoBach, | under-
SEVEN
stand what itistobetheuniverse.” Douetas Abas,0NBBC’s Rapio Four,Private Passions
Hoare THe music
Bae
Hamilton, thepublisher, usedtocountRaymond Chandler among hisfriends andauthors, twocategories ofhumankind then
morelikelyto overlapthaninthecurrenteraofcorporatemediacartels.He oncewroteto Chandleraskingfora pre-publication quotefora bookthat
Hamish Hamilton wasabouttopublish. Publishers wereprettyshameless, evenintheeraofurbanegentlemen whothought itbadformtopoacheach other'sauthors. Chandlerwrotebacka wonderfulletteraboutlifein California, theperils ofalcoholandthestateofhismarriage. Hedidn’tignorethepleafora quote.
Instead hewrotesomething thathassuchprofound relevance topublishing thenasnowthatitshouldbecarved oneveryeditor's deskin72-point Arial Bold. Thischap,heobserved, canconstruct aperfectly grammatical andefficientsentence, buthejustdoesn’t hearthemusic. Douglasheardthemusic.Writersoftenworrythattheyarelosingcontrol oftheirprose,andarejustlettingitrambleonandon,withlotsofproliferat-
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ingsubordinateclauses,likethatone,whichtakeon a momentumoftheir own,sobythetimethereadershavelabouredto theendofa sentence, the
mainverb—a locomotive pulling a greattrainofcarriages alongtherailsof grammar—has beenquiteforgotten. It’sthekindofprosethatisalltooeasy to write,butpainfulto read.Oneofthetraditionalcorrectives forthisnasty literarycomplaintistoreadaloudwhatyou'vewritten.Whena sentencecan
onlybereadinasingle breathifyouhappentobeaskin-diver oranorchestralflautist, it’stoolong. Douglas Adams understood thisdeeply. Hefelttherhythmofwords, the liltofa well-tunedphrase.Hisearwasacute,andthisissomethingparticularlyimportantincomicwritingwhena clumsywordcandrainthehumour
fromasentence. P.G. Wodehouse (towhomDouglas’s workoftenpayshomage)hadthesamegift;hewouldpolishandpolishhisprose,pinninghis pagesoftexttothewallofhisstudyandediting themvertically sothatgraduallythepagesmovedhigherastheyimproved. Plum,asWodehouse was knowntohisfriends,onlypromotedhistexttohiseye-linewhenitwasperfect.UnlikeDouglas,however,he lovedcompositionand regardedlifeas a re-
grettable seriesofinterruptions towriting. WithDouglas itwastheotherway around: Douglas’s style—funny, fluid,conversational andfullofamusing tropes andinventiveimages—is clearlyinfluenced byPlum.IsthisAdamsorWodehouse,forinstance?
Heslidgracelessly offhisseatandpeeredupwards toseeifhe couldspottheownerofthisdiscourteous hand.Theownerwasnot hardto spot,on accountofhisbeingsomething oftheorderof sevenfeettallandnotslightlybuiltwithit.Infacthe wasbuiltthe wayonebuildsleathersofas,shiny,lumpyandwithlotsofstuffing.
Thesuitintowhichtheman’sbodyhadbeenstuffed lookedasifits onlypurposeinlifewastodemonstrate howdifficult itwastoget thissortofbodyintoa suit.Thefacehadthetextureofanorange andthe colourofan apple,but therethe resemblance to anything sweetended. * Douglas describes hisloveforWodehouse inhisintroduction tothePenguin edition ofSunset at Blandings.
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Thismonster isHotblack Desiato's bodyguard inThe Restaurant attheEndofthe Universe (Hotblack, you'llrecall, istakinga yearoff,dead,fortaxreasons) but there'sanaffectionate nodinthedirection ofWodehouse'’s description ofthe Reverend “Beefy” Bingham, themassiveOxfordrowerwhosonearlylostthe heart of Gertrude, Lord Emsworth’sniece, to the weedy but dangerous
crooner, OrloWatkins. Compare therhythmofDouglas's piece, forinstance, withthisaccount ofLordEmsworth beingsavedfromdrowning by“Beefy.” Iftherewasonethingthe Rev.RupertBingham, whoin hisday had swum for Oxford,knew,it was what to do when drowningmen
struggled.Somethingthat mighthavebeena veryhardandknob-
blylegofmuttonsmoteLordEmsworth violently behindtheear: thesunwasturnedoffat themain:thestarscameout,manyof themofa singularbrightness:therewasa soundofrushingwaters: andheknewno more*
Douglas described hisrediscovery ofWodehouse inanarticle intheGuardian.t I suddenly realized, withgoose-pimples risingalloverme,that
I wasin thepresenceofa greatmaster. SincethenI havedevouredhisworkrepeatedlyandvoraciously,
notmerely because heisagreatcomicwriter, butbecause heisarguablythegreatestmusician oftheEnglish language I haveever encountered. Hemaynothaveanything tosayaboutRealLife(he wouldhootat the veryidea)but art practisedat that leveldoesn't haveto be aboutanything.
Norman Mailer oncesaidthatHemingway wasasonofabitch,butthatasa writerhewasoneofthoserarepeople who“canwritesentences thatareimpossibleto change.” It’sa goodtest.Takeyourfavouritepiecefromoneof Douglas's novelsandtryto substituteyourownwordsfortheonesheused. * “Company forGertrude” fromThe Collected Blandings ShortStories byP.G. Wodehouse (Penguin Books, 1992). T Quoted byFrank Muir inhissmashing introduction toTheCollected Blandings ShortStories by P.G. Wodehouse.
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Nothingelseworkssowell.MailerwasspotonaboutHemingway, butofthe other“mainstream” writers,perhapsonlyNabokov, athismostexcruciatingly
lapidary, placedwordsonthepagewiththesameprecision asDouglas or Plumattheheightoftheirpowers. Inmanywayscomedy ismoredifficult towritethan“serious” literature. Theword“serious” aboveisininverted commas notbecause ofanydoubt about the qualityof authors likeA.S.Byattand IrisMurdoch,with their fine
observations ofthevelleities ofhumanrelations, butbecauseitispossibleto
beserious andfunny. Douglas's booksarewittyaboutbigquestions (theexistenceofGod,whatit isthatcanbe saidto be real,man’splaceintheuni-
verse...)butnotsohotontheexistential burdens ofbeinganunhappy civil servantwitha constipated lovelife.Thereadercanchooseofcourse... Douglas’s sensitivity to the rhythmsof a sentencewasintimatelyconnectedwithhisloveofmusic.Hisearswereopenedbackatschoolwherehe
sanginthechoirandhadpianolessons. Hedidnothavemanyopportunitiesforescaping fromBrentwood andgoingtoconcerts, butin1969hedid hearJacques Loussier andhisPlayBachbanddoingtheirsubtlejazzyversionsofBach,andhewascompletely wonover. Douglas wasadmirably strong-willed aboutmastering technique. Hehad
a finger-picking guitarstyleandwouldpractise relentlessly untilhe had
something offaccurately. Usually hechose tunesthatappealed tohisroman-
ticandcomplex nature, lyrical tunesyoucouldloseyourself in.Douglas was
no three-chordwonder;he wouldstudyallthe trickiestguitarparts—Paul SimonandMcCartney werefavourites—until he couldplaythemfluently, twiddlybitsandall.Whenhe heardProcolHarum’s AWhiter Shade ofPalein
1967 hepestered allhisrelatives tobuyhimthealbumforChristmas, andset aboutlearning manyofthetracks. SueAdams remembers that,asanadult,hetookhisbinoculars toaDire
StraitsgigattheBirmingham NECandspentmuchoftheconcert,indifferent to theoddlooksfromthosenearby,peeringcloselyat MarkKnopfler’s fin-
gers.Thenhehadtomentally adjustwhathesawtomakeitworkforalefthandedguitar, whichisstrungsothatthepitchofthestrings isinthereverse orderfroma guitartunedfora right-hander. Interestingly, as a musicianDouglassufferedfromthe samecomplaint thatmadeallthosecleverCambridge thespiansreluctantto actwithhimon
stage:forhimensemble playing wasdifficult. KenFollett, theauthor, whose wife,Barbara, isthehighlyeffective Labour MPforStevenage, isfamous for
HEARING THEMUSIC 151
bestsellers likeTheEyeoftheNeedle andThePillars oftheEarth. Heislesswell knownasafunkybassguitarist inthebandDamnRightIGottheBlues. He jammedwithDouglasa lot.Douglas’s agent,EdVictor(amanwhoseaddress bookmustencompass mostoftheknownmediaworld),hadsuggested that theymightenjoyplayingtogether—and theydid.
Kenisoneofthemostarticulate humanbeingsonEarth* Hesays: I'mnota virtuoso—quite thereverse. Thepleasure ofmusicis sharingit with other people,usuallyguys.Thebuzz is making somethingcollectively. So I like that, and I have—astonishing
thoughit willbeto myfriendsandfamily—not muchofanego whenitcomestomusic. I'mhappytobethebackground guyplayingthebassguitar. SowhenDouglas andIplayed together, Iwasreallyhisaccompanist. Hewasthevirtuoso. Hecouldcertainlyplayverycomplicatedthingson the guitar, and on his own he was fine, and with an accompanistwho was
willing tofollowhistempoandhispace,hewasfine.Itwaspartly a matterofskill,andpartlydetermination. Hewouldspendtime learningthings.Wonderful, wonderfulmusicianslikePaulMcCartneyandPaulSimonmakethemup,andifyouwantto copythem youhavefirstto figureoutwhattheyare,andpractisea lot.Doug-
laswaswilling todothat.Hecouldplayverynicely. Andhecould playwithoneotherperson,soheandI werequitegoodtogether. Weenjoyedourselves. Weperformed in Miamiat an American Booksellers’Associationconvention!to some applause,and we per-
formedin a clubin LondoncalledLEquipeFrancaise, onceagainto considerable applause.
Buthehadoneserious flawwhichprevented himfrombeinga reallygoodmusician, andthatisnosenseoftime...Whenyouper* Hisinterview forthisbookwastheeasiesttotranscribebecausehetalksinwell-rounded sentenceswithouthesitation, an“um”oran“er,”orchangesofdirection. Hisband,DamnRight| Got
theBlues, would struttheirstuffinasubterranean barattheFrankfurt Book Fair. Thegroup consistsofwriters andpublishers whodeepdownwanttoberock’n’roll heroes, andnotmedia fashionables. Theyarereally quiteloudandurgent, andtheyplaywithenormous attack. Allinall, pretty good. Douglas would occasionally perform withthemasaguestartist. t+ Theywerethesupportbandtothedangerously funkyRock-Bottom Remainders withstormin’
SteveKing onleadguitar.
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formwitha realbandwitha drummer,you haveto listento the drummer.Thedrummerin a rockbandis likethe conductorofan
orchestra whosetsthepaceandkeepsit.Youmustlistentohimand playonhisbeat.Douglas, blesshisheart,wasnotabletodothis.So whenhedidappearwithushewouldplay a brilliant guitarsolo, butwouldfinishit halfa beatbeforethe restoftheband. Beforereadingtoo muchinto the observationthat Douglaswas just a smidgenoutoftimewiththerestoftheworld,thisisa goodmomentfora
briefanecdote aboutPaulSimon. Douglasnearlyhada closeencounterwithPaulSimon,a musicianheadmiredwithoutequivocation. WhenDouglasbecamefamousandloaded,he
spenta lotoftimeinNewYork. During onesojourn inGodless Gotham he decided thathewouldliketomeetPaulSimon. Douglas couldbequitenononsense aboutapproaching celebrities, and,suchwashisownfameandhis infectious enthusiasm, heusually endedupmeeting them.Incaseyouimaginethiswasa severeattackofstatuschasing,hewasjustasassiduousabout trackingdownthe lessfamousas longas theyfulfilledthe onevitalcriterion—doing somethinginteresting. Hisjoyat otherpeople’sachievements
wasengaging, andhisgenerous admiration actedlikeamagnet. Initially throughPaulSimon’s recordlabel,andthenonwards viahis managementcompany,tentativecontactwasestablished. Therichand famoushave“people,” asin “haveyourpeoplecallmypeople.” Thesepeople havehardeyes,carefulhaircuts,andeasysmiles;theyarepaidto protectthe
privacy oftheirmasters. Phonenumbers areguarded bythosewhosejobs wouldnotbeworthamoment's purchase iftheydivulged themtothewrong sortofreptile. Soundings aretaken,bonafidesarechecked andthesupplicant’sstatusand/or desirabilityare calculated, yea unto severaldecimal places.Inshort,gettingaccesstotherichandfamousisa gavottewithmany
trickysteps. Thevetting process wasnearlycomplete. Douglas wasadequately famous andclearly anabjectfanofPaulSimon. Ameeting wasontheverypointof beingfixedwhenoneofthe aidesasked,in a tonethatdidnot appearto placethatmuchfreightonthequestion,“Bytheway,howtallareyou?” In allinnocenceDouglasreplied—probably withan amusingriffon the
subject (Mount Rushmore mayhavefeatured)—that hewasvery,verytall, quiteridiculously tallinfact.Therefollowed whatHollywood callsa beat.
HEARING THEMUSIC 153
Timestretchedlikechewinggum.“Umm,,” saidtheaidefinally,“I'msorry,but yourmeetingwithPaulwillhaveto be postponed...”Theencounterwas
neverrearranged. Itispossible, ofcourse, thattheyhadjustmissed themoment,orthatPaul'sassistants wereoverly alerttothedangers ofaphotoopportunity. PaulSimon isfivefootthree.
EdVictor, whoiswelloversixfeettallandalwayselegantlyturnedout, commentedon hearingthisstorythat it wasnaiveof meto be surprised.
“Nick,” hesaid,“surely youmusthavenoticed alongthewayhowmuchsmall menhateus.What'sgoingthroughtheirminds, whichyoucanalmostsee likeasubtitle onaFrench movie, is:whyhim,whynotme?Why him, whynot me?Whydoeshehavetheheight?Whywashegiventhisgift?” Douglas’s mumsayshisinterestinmusicstartedearly.Fromthetimehe
wasachorister atschool, hisloveofchoral musicwaslife-long. Mercifully he neversanginpublicafterhisvoicebroke. PaulWickens, akaWix,alsowenttoBrentwood, thougha couple ofyears behindDouglas.Althoughtheywerenot particularly closeas schoolboys, JamesThriftreckonsthattherelationship gaveDouglasaccesstoa lotofcontemporarymusic.Therewasa familyconnectiontoo;Wix'sfather,JohnWick-
ens,wasthevetwholooked afterGrandma Donovan's manyanimals sothe linksbetween thetwofamilies gobacktothe1950s. WixandDouglaswerereunitedin a waythatischaracteristically Douglas.Wix’spartner,MargoBuchanan, thesinger,describes itlikethis:
ImettheBigOne[anaffectionate nickname forDouglas usedby familyandclosefriends] aftera PaulMcCartney gig.Heactually wenttothesameschoolasWixandtheyshareda musicteacher. Douglasusedto sometimescomeroundto Wix’shouseand play
with Wix’solder brother, David,when he was a boy. They do go
backa longway,butIthinktherewasafour-year agedifference— something likethat—between them.Anyway, Douglas wentto a PaulMcCartney gigonenight—you knowwhathewaslike[about the Beatles].He’dgot hold of a ticket—hewas someone'sguest, RobbieMcIntosh’s I think.Andhewasreadingtheprogrammeand
hadgotto thepartaboutWix.AndWixactuallymentioned his musicteacherin thelittleblurbabouthim.SoDouglaswent,hang
ona minute,thatwasmymusicteacher. Thatcan’tbe thesame Wickens Iusedtogoandplaywithasa child...I mustfindout...
154 WISHYOUWEREHERE
Following thishappycoincidence, Douglas andWixbecame friends andwent ontocollaborate onavariety ofmusic. Wixendedupwriting muchofthe musicfortheStarship Titanic computergame. MargoBuchanan, aswellassingingwithheart-piercing clarity,bringsa
giftofintuition toherfriendship withDouglas andJane.Thisisherrecollectionofhow,aftertheMcCartney concert,theyallendedup in Sohoat the
Groucho Club. Douglaswasat ourtableat the Groucho.HewasextremelyexuberantaftertheMcCartney gig,sittingtalkingto McCartney...He
lovedtheBeatles andPaulMcCartney, hereallydid...Douglas was
oneofthenicest people I'veevermet,onceyougotthrough that
protective shellthathehad.Youknowthewaysomepeoplecould useintellectas a shield?I don’tthinkhe everdidthatbecausehis intellectwasjusttoomagnificent andinteresting. Buthe didhavea protectivefrontwhichcouldbe typicallyupper-middle-class Cam-
bridgegraduate, youknow... AndI thinkthereasonforthatwas becausehe hada verytenderside.Verytender,veryvulnerable. AndI thinkthat sometimesthe worldusedto bewilderDouglas.I thinkthat whenhe heardstoriesof crueltyand war he wasgenuinelyhurt and bewildered...Therewasan innocence—that's the
wordI'mlookingfor—there wasaninnocence abouthimthathe wasveryadeptatcamouflaging. Butifyouknewhimwell,yousaw it.Itwasaninnocence, andheneverlostit. In hischildhoodDouglaswasalsoexposedto thewondersofthe classical canon.JudithAdams,his stepmother,was musical;she had studied in Paris
andplayed thepianobeautifully, aswellassinging inaBachchoir. There was a grandpianoin“Derry” (thehouseinStondon Massey) onwhichDouglas messedaround.(Oneofthefirstthingshedidwhenhestartedmakingsome doshwastobuya gooduprightpiano.Bythetimehemovedtotheperma-
nentfamily home,inDuncan Terrace inIslington, thishadbecome aconcert grand.) , SueAdams alsorecalls Douglas spending a lotoftimeasa boywitha localblindman,DavidJames,whoplayedtheguitarwiththe passionofa manpossessed. Suesaysthathewasa biginfluence. “Davidwasreallyinto theguitar.HeandDouglasusedto playtogetherforhoursandhours.”
HEARING THEMUSIC 155
Theromantic possibilities ofmusichadnotescaped Douglas either. Sue alsorecalls:
|
Wehadayoungwomanatmystepmother’s house—I thinkshe wasAustrian andmighthavebeenanaupair.Douglas wascompletelyandutterlysmitten, andhewouldspendhoursatthebottomofthismassivegreatgardenwhichhadthesegreatbigcircular flowerbedsin it.Downthe bottomleft-handcornerwasthisgreat big tree—andDouglaswouldspendagesdownthereserenading
heronhisguitar... SuchwasDouglas’s passionformusicthatitwasaroundthistimethatheattendeda lectureinViennabythegreatHungariancomposer, GyorgyLigeti’ despitethe factthat he couldnot understanda word.Thisprobablyhap-
penedonthesamelegendary hitchhiking frolicthattookhimtothefieldin Innsbruck, butitispossible thatitwasduringoneofhishigh-speed holidays withhisfatherinoneoftheAstonMartins. Ligeti, oneofthemostinnovative modemcomposers whoextendedoursoundpalatein the mostextraordinaryway,isbestknownto thenon-specialist publicasthemanwhoseLux Aeterna wasdeployedto suchmind-mangling effectin thefilm2001:ASpace
Odyssey. Ligeti, thoughHungarian, gavehislecture inGerman, alanguage of whichDouglas knewlittlemorethanJa,Nein, andAchtung! Englander! fromhis Eaglecomicdays.Nevertheless, DouglascaughtsomethingofLigeti’s meaning,andcertainlyunderstoodthe musicallanguage.Afterwards Ligeti,who hadspottedthishugeyoungsterintheaudience, apologized tohimforbeing
unintelligible. (Fortontobuffs,Ligeti’s Volumina provides thefinaldramatic chordofthefirstepisode ofHitchhiker's, andtheKyrie fromhisRequiem plays quietly atfirst,butwithgathering urgency, asSlartibartfast takesArthurDent intotheheartofMagrathea inthethirdepisode.) Douglas's passionformusicandthesensitivity ofhisearweremanifestin
thewayheandGeoffrey Perkins, theproducer, puttogether thesoundscape oftheradioseriesofHitchhiker's. Fromthefirstseductive soundsoftheopeningtheme(theEagles’ superbtrack“Journey oftheSorcerer” fromthealbum * It’sdifficult toconfirm thetimeandplaceviaLigeti. Hewasaprofessor attheCollege ofMusic in Stockholm atthetime,buthadbeeninVienna (afterleaving Budapest in1956) before going to Darmstadt andhereturned toVienna quiteoften.
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WISHYOUWEREHERE
OneofThese Nights), thecarewithwhichthesoundeffectsandthemusicwere
married tothespoken voicewasclear. Thebrilliant execution owedmuchto PaddyKingsland (theboss), DickMillsandHarryParker oftheBBC Radio-
phonicWorkshop andthestudioteamledby AlickHale-Munro, whosejoy intheirworkisobvious.Theyalldeservea mention:MaxAlcock, LisaBraun, ColinDuff,PaulHawdon, MarthaKnight, JohnWhitehallandEricYoung. On
oneoccasion, recounted byGeoffrey Perkins inhisintroduction totheradio scripts, theyinsisted onkeeping goingwithout claiming overtime because the budgetwassolimited. (Intheindustrial climate ofthetime,BBC technicians waivingtheirrightto overtimeisratherlikesayingthatthespeedoflightis not constant.It showsa lovethat passethallunderstanding.) Everybit of
Hitchhiker's oftenirritating technology haditsowndistinctive acoustic signature,fromtheleakysteam-valve clankofMarvinto thewhoshofthose bloodySiriusCybernetics Corporation doorswiththeircentre-fold voices
andrelentless cheerfulness. Thesophistication ofthesoundpicturehadcome a longwaysince“DoorSlam,soundofrunningfeet,AAGH.”*
Douglas said:
I wantedHitchhiker's to soundlikea rockalbum.I wantedthe voicesandtheeffects andthemusicto be soseamlessly orchestratedastocreatea coherent pictureofanotherworld—and I said thisandmanysimilarsortsofthingsandwavedmyhandsaround a lot, while people nodded patiently and said “Yes,Douglas,but
what'sitactually about?” Hewascertainly awareofhowto createauniversein sound—how soundcan be usedto modeltheworld,andwhatit mustbe likeifthat modelbreaks down.Breaking downourmodeloftheworldisin a sensewhata lot ofhis
workisabout. Asaneasily disoriented mammal, Douglas himself hadanearlikeJodrell Bank. TheradioseriesofHitchhiker's created thesenseofinhabiting a three* Thehugely influential Goons werethefirsttounderstand howmuchhumour couldbewrung fromspecial effects. Remember thethunder oftheartillery barrage? “What ishappening?” asks Eccles. Reply: “They’re shelling peasinthekitchen. . .” T SeeDouglas's introduction toTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy: theComplete Radio Scripts (PanBooks,1985).
HEARING THEMUSIC 157
dimensional worldthrough theuseofsound.(Later eventheTVseries—despiteitsclunkyeffectsandthetensionbetweenDouglasandAlanBell,the producer—won severalBaftaawards,oneofwhichwasforbestsoundtrack.)
“ToomuchMozart,” Douglas wasfondofsaying,“isanoxymoron.” Butamong composers, Bach,he believed,wasa geniusalmostoffthe scale.Hisquote aboutseeingtheuniverseinBachisinteresting. Therearesomanyharmonies
andperiodicities inthecosmos atlarge(andatthemicroscopic scale) thatonce youseethem,youalsoseetheirbeauty. Everybitofinformation standsin somerelationship toeveryotherbit,andthiscanbeexpressed—as Pythago-
rasbelieved—in the divinedanceofnumbers.In DirkGently’s Holistic Detective Agency Douglassuggeststhat the erosionpatternsof the Himalayas might
makea flutequintet. Numbers candescribe themovement ofgalaxies, the replication ofcells,oreven—according tooneofDouglas's engagingly wild ideason thelecturecircuit—corporate accounts. Everycorporation could enjoyitsuniquetune. Aloveofmathematics andofmusicoftengotogether. InDouglas’s caseit
wasn’t somuchthemathsthatfascinated him,asthepatterns—patterns that hefoundbothintheliltofasentence andthefractal shapesoftheMandelbrotset.Hisenthusiasm forscientific connections knewnobounds, andthis relatedtothewayhethought. Somepeopleseemtohavebetterpatternrecognition abilitiesthanothers.EinsteinoncedescribedNielsBohr’sspeculationsaboutquantummechanics as“thehighestformofmusicality in the
sphereofthought.” Incidentally, haveyoueverwondered ifAlbertEinstein wasanygoodonthefiddle? “Perfectly correct, totallyuninteresting,” apparently. TheVoyager 1and2 spaceprobes,launchedin 1978, arebothcurrentlybeyondtheorbitofPluto.Theyarebyfarthemosttravelledartefacts evermade
bymankind—at distances nowmeasured inlighthours.Voyager 2 isalmost outoftheheliopause altogether. Foranyalienthatmaychance uponthem, welded tothesidesofbothcraftisagold-plated copperdatadiskthatcontainssoundsandimagesofourspecies anditsoutstanding achievements. * Quoted byCharles Flowers in/nstability Rules (Wiley, 2002). Itisthesamesource forEinstein’s anonymous accompanist.
158 WISHYOUWEREHERE Along with an eclecticcollectionof Africanpercussion,aboriginalchants,
ChuckBerry's “Johnny B.Goode,” a message fromKurtWaldheim ofthe UnitedNations(inadvertent truthfulness thereaboutmankind)and so on,
CarlSagan’s teamincluded someBach—the firstmovement oftheBrandenburg Concertono. 2 and the Preludeand Fugueno. 1 fromTheWellTempered Clavier. OnhearingabouttheBach,Douglasremarked, aproposof thepotentialextraterrestrial investigators: “Won'ttheythinkwe'reboastinga
bit?” J.S.Bachfascinated Douglas. Foronething,Bach’s prodigious outputof
musicwaslimitedonlybythephysicalprocessofgettingthenotationdown. It is scarcelyimaginable thatsomethingliketheAgnusDeifromBach'sBMinorMass(surelythemostexquisitenoiseevertopenetratetheearofman)
couldhavebeencomposed asfastasJohanncouldmovehisscratchy quill overtheparchment. Douglas, whocouldspenda dayinanguish overa singleline,wasinaweofsuchcreativity. Hisowngeniusonthepagewasmuch morehardwon.Forallhisskillon hisguitar,he couldnotimproviseeasily likethosetowhommusicalfluencyseemstocomelikethegiftofgrace—and
inthesamewayhecouldnotspontaneously inventtext. Withsuccess, attheimprobably earlyageoftwenty-six (justlikeDickens withwhomthereareseveral parallels)‘ camefame,andthisopened upanew dimensionto Douglas’s passionformusic.Themassiveandsuddensuccess ofthefirstbook(in1979) alsoprovidedlotsofmoney,andoneofthefirstappetitestobeindulgedwasmusic.ItwasatthispointthatDouglasembarked
upon a lifelong questfortheperfect guitar. KenFollett says: Don’tforgetthatguitarsareverybeautiful.Peoplebuythemfor theirlooksas wellas for whatthey soundlike,and the lastone Douglastold me about was a bass.BecauseI play the bass he
thoughtI'dbe interested, so he said:“I'veboughta left-handed Hohnerbass."AndItoldhimitdidn’thaveanysignificance forme atall—which wasofcoursestupidbecause thatwaswhatPaulMc-
Cartneyboughtin Hamburgin 1961...So0 Douglashadboughtone
* Douglas andCharles Dickens hadmuchincommon. Theybothloved performance, theyboth madeitbigwhentheywereonlytwenty-six, theybothtoured America getting knackered, they bothwrote women characters whoweredeeply soppy. Dickens, withhisprolixity andemotional manipulation, isbetterontellythanonthepage,whereas Douglas isthecomplete opposite.
HEARING THEMUSIC 159
ofthese—it can’thavebeenverylongbeforehediedandhewas verypleasedaboutit.Hewasgoingtolearntoplaythebass.I’m surehewouldhaveactually.
Douglas endedup withtwenty-four left-handed guitarsandonerighthandedoneforvisiting right-handed musicians likeDaveGilmour ofPink Floyd. Once,onalecturetourintheStates, hemadea special diversion to Austin,Texas,wherethereis a famousguitaremporium,solelyin orderto gawp,andthenbuyanother.Undoubtedly he knew a lot abouttheinstrument.HeeveninterruptstheslowmutualseductionofFenchurch andArthur
Dentforateasing, butaccurate, asideaboutDireStraits: “Mark Knopfler has anextraordinary abilitytomakea Schecter Custom Stratocaster hootand singlikeangelson Saturdaynight,exhaustedfrombeinggoodallweekand needingastiff beer...”*(Andhenamesoneofhischaracters, KateSchechter, in the DirkGentlynovels,aftera guitar)
Alltheseinstruments, manymountedin customframes,ledDouglas's
friend, JonCanter, todescribe thetopfloorofthefamily homeinIslington as GuitarHenge. Allhislife,Douglassuccumbed togadgets;forevertellinghimselfthatone moreSharpIQ,PDA,Casiodatabankor,aboveall,a laptopcomputerwould
reallygethimorganized. Objectively hewastoointelligent tobelieve this, andheknewthattherateofobsolescence wassuchthatifyoudropped the newtoyitwouldprobablybeoutofdatebythetimeithittheground.Nevertheless,a newelectronic gizmo,murmuring“buyme,buyme,bigboy”was hardto resist.Hehada specialweaknessforAppleMacs,andin fairnesshe
understood theimplications ofInformation Technology yearsbeforetherest ofus.There issomething child-like inmanymen,butmostofusdonothave themoneytobeputtothetest.Wetherefore pretend thatwhenwedonot buytoys,it isa signofmaturity. AnotherofDouglas’s indulgences wasallthemoreseductivebecauseit combinedhisloveofmusicwithhisloveofgadgets.Heboughtstereosys-
temsthewayRenaissance popesmadechapels—expertly commissioned, horrendously expensive, shoehorned precisely intotheavailable space.His soundsystemswerea thingofwonder,finallyachievingperfection in DuncanTerrace. * SoLong andThanks forAlltheFish(PanBooks, 1984).
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WISHYOUWEREHERE
Duncan Terrace isstrikingly lightandhandsome withsomespectacular roomsforparties. Onthefirstfloor(thesecond forAmericans) isarectangularroom,maybefortyfeetlong,withthreefloor-to-ceiling sashwindows at theendfacing thestreet.It’sanelegant spacewithexcellent acoustics. This roomwastobecomehometo squashysofasanda TVlargeenoughforone to expecta womansellingchoc-ices to appearin everycommercial break.It wasalsoto houseoneoftheworld’sgreatstereosystems.
WhenDouglas andJaneBelson finally hadthefamily homesorted, after yearsofbuilding andarchitectural tweaking, theyspecified thattheloudspeaker leadsmustbeintegral totheextentthattheyrununderthepolished woodfloor. Thefirstsystemtobeinstalled hadhalf-inch-thick, vacuum-sealed double-
insulated loudspeaker cables, gold-plugged ateachend,popping upfromthe floorboardsintothebackoftwoseven-foot-tall, austerely elegant Japanese screens.Onlytheyweren'tJapanesescreensatall,butlarge,flat,state-of-theartMagnaplanar electrostatic speakersthatproducedsoundbywarpingand vibratingtheirentiresurface,thusproducing,as anybuffknows,“aquasiomnisphere, figureofeight,bi-directional out-of-phasedispersionpattern.”
Douglas lovedthetechnical copy,butbeforespending a smallfortune, he thoughthe’dbetterlistento theactualspeakersfirst.He,JaneandRickPaxton,thecharmingarchitectofDuncanTerrace, wentoffto a houseinWim-
bledontoheartheMagnaplanars insitu.Thesecurity inthismansion wasso tightthat allegedlywildanimalsselectedfortheirunfriendlydispositions
roamedtheestate. Anyway, Rickissurethatitwassomething moreexotic thanyourusualAlsatian. Douglas andJanehada fiercespatoverthesespeakers. Douglas fancied themsomething wicked, butJane,burdenedassheiswithtaste,thoughtthey dominatedtheroom.Itwasnotquitea matterofchoosingbetweenJaneand thespeakers, butRickrecallsthattheatmosphere becamedistinctly gelidbe-
foreacompromise onlocation wasreached. Thesemonsters required a heftysignaltodrivethem.Douglas waspersuadedthatvalve-amplifiers produceda warmersoundthansolidstatemachines.Justpossiblyhisearwasacuteenoughto heara difference. Whenhe turnedthe systemon needlesflickeredin distantpowerstationsandthere
wasaslightwhoompf, likeafar-off mortar, fromoutside theroom.Thiswas theautomatic extractor fancoming ontoventtheheatfromtwothousandwattvalveamplifiers, oneper channel,thatlivedin the speciallydesigned
HEARINGTHE MUSIC 161
cupboard underthestairs. Thewholesystem cost—and thiswastheeighties— justatadover£30,000. Iremember wehadsomebadinage onthesubject: “Fucking hell,Douglas,” I saidwittily. “Thirty grandfora stereo. That's prettydecadent.OurhouseinHackneycostthat.” Douglasblushed,a prettyeffecton a surfacesolarge.“Actually,” he said, “honestly, thesystemwasa bitofa bargain.Youcanspendmuchmoreatthis
endofthemarket. Besides, thesuppliers threwin thephonocartridge— twenty-five hundred quidsworth—for free.” HowDouglasspenthismoneywashischoice,afterall.Hewasnota man forfloatingtupperwaregin-palaces orsharedlegsofrace-horses; nordidhe belongamongtheaffluentwhoinvestinartsothatitcanadvertise theirtaste
whileincreasing invalue.Itwasbecause hegenuinely lovedmusicthathe wanted thebestpossible reproduction ofit.Hepossessed anear(hisrightactually, ashewas atiny bitdeafinhisleft)educated enough toappreciate the nuances. But,youwillbewondering, whatdidthisthirtygrand’sworthofequip-
mentsound like?Doesthelawofdiminishing returnsapplywithavengeance here,asinotherareasofconspicuous consumption? A£20mealmaybetwice asgoodasa £10meal,butcana £100mealbetentimesasgood? Inthiscase,however, thesoundwasastonishing. Itmightnothavebeen as loud as the noise made by DisasterArea,the heavy metal band in The
Restaurant attheEndoftheUniverse, forwhichtheideallisteningpositionwasin
a concrete bunkerthirtymilesaway, butitapproached thepainthreshold if wounduptomaximum. Italsoboasted amazing definition andclarity. Beatlesalbums thatIthoughtIknewacquired newcolour. Nota scrapofinformationimprintedontheoriginalvinylorCDwaslost.Inclassical musicthe sheerphysicaleffortofplayingwasapparentevento themusically unedu-
cated.Thefriction ofthestrings, themovement ofthebodies, thescrapeof chairsmoving onconcert platforms, thesighoftheconductor making some athletic Guilini-type gesture—all theambience ofliveperformance somehow materialized aroundyou,onlybetter,forno concerthallboastsacousticsas brilliantasabsolutely top-endstereoequipment. Youwantedtolookbehind thesofatoseeifDouglasandJanehadcunninglyhiddenanorchestrasome-
whereintheroom. Douglas's recordcollection—both vinylandCD(thatsaviourofthe recordcompanies whichreissued thebackcatalogue attwicetheprice)—was stunningbothinnumberandthecatholiceclecticism ofhistaste.Itwaslarge
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enoughtobehousedinbespokeCDcupboardsofblondwoodthelengthof thewallin thathalfofthedrawingroomnearestthestreet.Hecouldhave
stocked amedium-sized recordshop. Incidentally, hisnextgeneration stereowentsolidstate.Douglas gotirritatedbythefrequency withwhichhehadtoreplace valves, andthenearly ubiquitous useofa digitalsoundsourcehadcometo favouramplifiers specifically designedto copewithit.Thespeakerschangedto thelargeNautilusdesignwhoseintriguingtaperedrear-facingconesand snail-likeFibonaccicoilsmopup the reactionenergyfromthe speakersso completely
thatthesoundemerging fromthemsuffers almostnointerference, andis thusexceptionally unmuddied. Theamplifier, CDplayer, turntable andradio wereallhousedina largefree-standing cabinet ofconsiderable stylishness andincorporating everyimaginable technicalgoody.TheCDplayerlooked asifitwascarvedoutofa solidlumpofslateandtitanium.
Butnoneofthiskitcouldmatchthedelight ofliveperformance. Douglas wanted tohearlivemusicinhisownhouseandsosetaboutgetting toknow someworld-class musicians. OneofthemwasRobbieMcIntosh, knownin themusicworldastheguitarists’ guitarist. Histouchcombinesprecisionand passion.Here’swhatDouglassaidabouthim:
Robbie McIntosh isoneoftheworld’s bestguitarplayers, and alsooneofitsmostincompetent humanbeings, asanyonewhohas watchedhimtryingto buya shirtwilltellyou. Wefirstmetyearsagowhenhe walkedup to me in a bar and saidthat one ofhisbestfriendsknewmygrandmotherverywell.
Goodopening. ItwasWixhewastalkingabout,orPaulWickens as Iknewhimwhenwehadthesamepianoteacheratschool. Robbie andWixwerebothinPaulMcCartney’s bandatthistime(no,not thatone). Beforethat, Robbie had been lead guitarist in The Pretenders,
andhasalsoplayedforTalkTalk,TearsforFears,PaulYoung and evenCher. Whenhe’snotjettingroundtheworldplaying vaststadiums,hetendstositathomeinDorset looking afterhisgoatsand chickens,and tinkering.Actually,let me correctthat lastsentence. Whenhe’snot jettingroundthe worldplayingvast stadiumshe tendsto sitat homein Dorsetbeinglookedafterby hisgoatsand
chickens, andtinkering.
HEARING THEMUSIC 163
I askedhimwhathe’dbeentinkeringat,and he showedme.I
shouldmentionatthispointthatI ammyself a passionate, though notverygood,acoustic guitarist, so Robbiedecidedto playme someoftheacoustic guitarpieceshe'dbeentinkering withdownin Dorset.Iwastransfixed. Itwassomeofthemostmesmerizing music
I'dheardin years.Mostofthepieceswereoriginal, butsomeof
themwerearrangementsof old folktunes,ElvisPresley,Chopin,
blues...Whattheyallsharedwasan apparently simplemelodic surface withawonderfully richinternallifeofharmony andcounterpoint, whichmeantthateachpiecegrewandgrewinyourmind witheverylistening. It’stechnically complex, butthere’snoshowingoff.Allthetechniqueistherejusttoservethemusic.It’snotfolk, it’snotjazz,it’snotpop,it’snotclassical, it’sjustpure,puremusic.
Therealstuff.Complex. Simple. Breathtaking. IplayedthetapesRobbie gavemeincessantly, anditquickly becameoneofmyfavourite-ever albums. People wouldsitinmycar and say“Whatis this?”Overa periodofyearsI graduallycoaxed and nudgedRobbieintomakingan actualCDofit andlettingmy company, TheDigitalVillage, releaseit.Ittookanastonishingly long
time,but it is astonishingly good.Thereasonsforbothofthese thingsarecontained inmyopeningparagraph. There’s onemorethingIshouldadd.Robbie McIntosh isoneof
thenicestpeoplein theworld*
Another famous rockmusician thatDouglas befriended wasProcul Harum’s GaryBrooker, nowa drilyamusing silver-bearded chapinhisfifties. Margo Buchanan, whoknewhimwell,hadarranged anintroduction following a mealduringwhichDouglas hadbangedonabouthowmuchhelovedGary’s music.DouglashadplayedProculHarum’s Grand Hotelagainandagainwhile writingTheRestaurant attheEndoftheUniverse. Thiswasa patternwithhim:
whenever hewaschained tohiskeyboard withabook,Douglas wouldplay certain pieces withdemented repetitiveness, almost asifheweredeliberately tryingtoinducesomestateoffugueortranceinwhichhewouldbeexulted enough—or madenough—to writewithoutpain. Forthoseofyouundera certainage,ProcolHarumwasa bandfamous
* Douglas’s noteonRobbie Mcintosh, written inSantaBarbara 1999,fromtheWholeNote website.
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fora songcalledAWhiter Shade ofPalewhichdominated thesingles charts(a DeramlabelEP—remember those?) inthesummer of1967. Itwasmusicto _getstonedto;itwasslowenoughtosmooch toifyouwerelucky. It’sagreat song,withstrange,poetic,slightlyanxiety-inducing lyricsbyKeithReidand a piercingly atmospheric, almosthymnalmelodythatGaryBrookeradmitsto
having beeninspired byBach's AironaG-String. Thesongissoevocative, so arcane, sodownright enigmatic, thatthereisaminorscholarship industry, activeon the net,dedicatedto workingout whatthe hellit means.Procol Harum,thoughsomeofitspersonnelchanged,wenton to produce alot of goodmusic,butAWhiter Shade ofPalejustcaughta moment.(Once,indeed,it
wasusedina Dr.Whoepisode, butnotonewrittenbyDouglas.) AWSoP, as it'sknowntothebuffs,isa classic thatwillalways hauntthem,andbyand largethereareworsethingstobehaunted bythanasong. Fromtimeto timeGaryBrookerreformedtheband,andhe alsohadhis owngroup,TheGaryBrookerEnsemble, thatplayedwithmanyofthebiggest namesin the business(StevieWinwood,EricClaptonand so on).Ratherthan
attemptto encapsulate hiscareer, hereareDouglas's ownwordsfroma speechhemadeintroducing thesell-outProcolHarumandLondon SymphonyOrchestra concertthattookplaceintheBarbican on8February1996: I havelovedGaryBrookerand ProcolHarumeversincenearly
thirtyyearsagowhentheysuddenly surprised theworldbyleaping absolutely outofnowhere withoneofthebiggesthitrecordsever donebyanybodyat alleverunderanycircumstances. Theythen surprisedtheworldevenmorebysuddenlyturningoutto be from SouthendandnotfromDetroitaseverybodythought. Theythensurprisedtheworldevenmorebytheircompletefail-
uretobringoutanalbumwithinfourmonthsofthesingle, onthe groundsthattheyhadn'twrittenityet.Andthenina moveofunparalleled marketing shrewdness andingenuity theyalsoactually leftA Whiter ShadeofPaleoffthe album.Theyneverdid anything straightforwardly at all as anyonewho'severtried to followthe
chordsofARumTale willknow. Nowtheyhadoneveryveryparticular effectonmylife.Itwasa songtheydid,whichI expectsomeofyouherewillknow,called GrandHotel.WheneverI'mwritingI tend to havemusicon in the background, andonthisparticularoccasionI hadGrand Hotelonthe
DouglasAdamsat sevenmonths.
Christopher DouglasAdams in hismid-forties.
JanetThrift,Douglas's mother,at home in Dorset in 1991.
Eckardt H.
Douglas,already six feet tall at twelve,
Douglas,age thirteen, in the chemistry
pointingoutthedangersofmoneyat thevillagefetein Dorset.
laboratoryin Brentwood School.
ie
z
a
SchoolHouse,Brentwood. Douglas, to theleftofhishousemaster,wasconspicuous dueto hisheight.
Douglas's studentidentification card,showinghim sportinga classicseventieshaircut.
LadyMargaretPlayers/JT./Adams, Smith,Adams
sentsa RevueintheSchoolofPythagoras
sever
Sa Smith Martin
e
th,16th, Tickets 30p|
Fromof. John’sCollegePortersLodge and Courtesy af door. Cheapdayrefurn 50 of
PRINTES BYCAMBRIDGE INSTANTPAINT LTB: 64017
Douglas's Footlights membership card.
Struttingand Frettingin a studentrevue.
Douglas, lookingbashful,withJonCanterandLucy Parkerin Cambridge, 1971.
.
*
canes
Douglas's unemployment benefitcard.
DouglaswiththecastoftheHitchhiker's radioseriesin November1978. Lefttoright:DavidTate(variousroles),AlanFord(Roosta), Geoffrey McGivern (FordPrefect),
Douglas, MarkWing-Davey (Zaphod Beeblebrox) andSimon Jones(Arthur Dent).
Takingsometimeoutfromrecording. Lefttoright:Douglas, Geoffrey Perkins, DavidTate,GeoffreyMcGivern,Mark Wing-Davey,SimonJones and Alan Ford.
Marvintheparanoidandroid.
MarkWing-Davey wearing hisextraheadwithpanache asZaphodBeeblebrox.
DavidDixon and SimonJones as FordPrefectand Arthur Dent.
Douglas onthesetoftheTVseriesofHitchhiker's, whichwasfirstbroadcast inJanuary 1981.
Books Pan
Douglas's firstGoldenPan,presentedinJanuary1984foronemillioncopiessoldof TheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy.
JaneBelsonintheearlyeighties whenshefirstmetDouglas.
Allen Mary
Douglas, JaneandPolly.
Belso Jane
DouglasandPolly. JaneThrift,akaLittleJane, andJamesThriftat an Unplugged party.
Facing page,top:The“Guitar
Henge” atthetopofthe
housein DuncanTerrace. Douglashadtwenty-four left-handed guitars. Facing page,bottom: Douglas andDaveGilmourof PinkFloydpracticing at Earl's
CourtforDouglas's forty-
secondbirthdayappearance.
JaneBelson
Belson Jane
Theauthor,Catherine Webbat ageeight, PollyAdamsat a fewweeksoldand Douglasin DuncanTerraceinJune1994.
Furmanovsky
Jill
Douglas, ecstatic, at an Unplugged party,with MargotBuchananand RobbieMcIntoshin thebackground.
DouglasandJanein partymodeinNovember 1996.
Someofthe Unplugged audienceenjoyingthemselves. MarkWing-Davey andRichardHarrisare visiblein theforeground. RichardCreasey, SalmanRushdieandtheauthorcanbe spottedtowards theback. JillFurmanovsky
| I I
Belson Jane
ThedirectorsofTheDigitalVillagein EdVictor'sofficein thespringof1996.Standing (lefttoright): RichardHarris,Mary Glanville,lan Stewart,RichardCreasey,and EdVictor.Sitting:Douglasand
RobbieStamp.
TerryJonesandDouglasin a promopictureforStarship Titanic in 1998.
Above: Douglas's lectures andreadings weretheatrical performances. Intypical thespian modeat the AlmeidaTheatre,Islington,in 1996.Below:Jane, Pollyand Douglaslived here, their second and favoritehouse in Santa Barbara.
PollV
andherproudfatherinJuly1994.
HEARINGTHE MUSIC 165
recordplayer.Thissongalwaysusedto interestmebecausewhile
KeithReid’s lyricswereallaboutthissortofbeautiful hotel—the silver,the chandeliers,all thosekind of things—suddenly in the
middleofthesongtherewasthishugeorchestral climax thatcame outofnowhereanddidn’tseemto be aboutanything.I keptwonderingwhatwasthis hugethinghappeningin the background? AndI eventuallythought,itsoundsasifthereoughttobesomesort
offloorshow goingon.Something hugeandextraordinary, like, well,likethe endofthe universe.Andso thatwaswherethe idea for TheRestaurant at theEndoftheUniverse camefrom—from Grand Hotel...
Given a choice ofvenues, Margo saysthatmusicians lovesmall, intimate ones likepubs;youcanseethewhitesoftheaudience's eyesandgetinstantand gratifying feedback. There's nothing likeit.Butpubsdon’tpayanything, and
hiringa vanto movetheequipmentmeansthatthemusosareoftenoutof pocket.It’snotworththehassle.Shewaslamenting thisonedayinDouglas's
company, andhejustwentquieter andquieter whilethecogsturned. “Well,” hesaideventually, “I'vegotthisgreatidea.Youshouldcomeandplayinmy house. It’sagoodroom,andquitefeasible...” Andsobeganalegendary run
ofparties. Allthroughthenineties,untiltheirdepartureto California, Douglasand Janethrewsomewonderfulpartiesin DuncanTerrace. Onceortwicea year
they'dorganize theaddeddrawoflivemusic, andthesewerecalled Douglas andJane'sPartially Unplugged evenings (areference toPaulMcCartney's “OfficialBootleg” Unplugged album): Theseeveningsweremagical. Firsttherewouldbechampagne—lots ofit, gallonsandgallonsinfact.JaneBelsonhasa ruletoserveonlychampagne or
whitewine.Though theywreakhavocwiththehighercognitive functions, theydolessmischief tothesurroundings thanredwine.Asuavelocalcaterer wouldprovide delicious littlenibblythingsonsticks; thiscompany madesuperiorpartyfoodandseemedtohaveapolicyofonlyemploying sexyyoung
* There wasoneforPolly Adams’s birthday, anearSaturday anyway, on24June1995,another on 30March 1996, and16November 1996and,ofcourse, oneforDouglas’s forty-second birthday on12March 1994. Atrulyamazing partyalso—a Farewell toBritain, offtoHollywood debauch— on10July1999.Thislist,notexhaustive, courtesyofSueWebb’s addiction todiaries.
166 WISHYOUWEREHERE
thingswholooked goodinblack. Douglas andJanewereexceedingly generoushosts;thatkindofentertaining isexpensive. Theguestswerethebrightestandthebestfromthemediaandthelaw. Theterm“élite”isfrowneduponthesedays.Somepeoplefindit to be tri-
umphalist andimplicitly snotty, butthisusefullittlewordundoubtedly describes theguestsatthePartially Unplugged parties. Youcouldn’t movefor actors, filmpeople, writers, stand-up comedians, barristers, tellypresenters, scientists, technology billionaires, evenapublisherortwo...Youfoundyourselfforeveron thepointofgreetingsomeoneasa long-lostoldfriend,one
whosenamehadjustslipped througha lacunainyourbrain,until,waking up,you'drealize thatthefamiliarity ofthephizzog wasnotfriendship blurred bytimebutthespurious intimacy oftelly. Jonathan Porritwouldbechatting to StephenFry,RichardDawkinsto CliveAnderson, ClareFrancisto Lenny Henry,KathyLetteto TerryGilliam, MelvynBraggwithBenElton.Salman Rushdiewasoftenthere,radiatingintelligence andlookingverydapperfora
manundersiegefromafatwah. HisSpecial Branch minder wouldblendinalmostinvisibly. There wastheodd,veryrarespliff, butdopewasnotafeature ofDouglas's parties. Douglas saidthathe’dtrieditonceanddidn’t likeitvery muchandJanewouldnotcountenance thehousebeingusedforanythingillegal.Whentheguestsweretrulywarmedup,thelightswoulddimandthe musicwouldbegin.
Ofcourse, therewerepeoplepresent whowouldnothavestopped flirting,ortalking shop,evenifHorowitz hadbeenplaying aduetwithGodhimself.Thiswasa crowdofpeoplequitepleasedtobeineachother'scompany. Fortunately thehousewasquitebigenoughforthepartytocontinueondifferentfloorswithpeopledriftinginandoutasthemoodtookthem.
Forthosewhofavoured themusictheevenings werebliss.Itwasaprivilegetohearmusicians ofthecalibre ofRobbie McIntosh, Wix,Margo, and GaryBrooker doingtheirstuffin a settingofsuchwarmthandintimacy. Sometimes MichaelBywater wouldshowoffhisvirtuosityatmusicalparody onthebigpiano.DaveGilmourofPinkFloydwouldoccasionally joinin,im-
provising withRobbieMcIntosh withtheensemble precision ofCharlie ParkerandDizzyGillespie ona goodday.(Douglas knewDaveGilmour through twoconnections: NickMason's wife,anactress, whowasworking on a showproducedbya friendofDouglas's, andDave'swife,thewriterPolly Samson,knewJane.)
Hearingsuchmusicians enjoyingthemselves ina friend'sfrontroomwas
HEARING THEMUSIC 167
likebeingallowedtoeavesdrop onsomething veryspecial. Themusicwasin-
timateandlyrical; thesortofmusictoliberate theimagination. Themusicians performing inDuncan Terrace werenotjusta bunchofmateshavingfun; theyweretherockaristocracy havingfun.Youhadtopinchyourself some-
timestorememberthatthesewerethefinestinthebusiness. Itwasasincongruousas havingsomeviolinistbear downupon you in a Hungarian restaurant—and realizingitwasNigelKennedy.
DaveGilmour wasfamously abletoreturnthefavour. Douglas andJane helda particularly extravagant partyforDouglas's forty-second birthday in March1994.Thishad a specialsignificance—though Douglas'stonguewas lodgedfirmlyinhischeekontheissue—because ofthecultishpreoccupation
withthenumberforty-two. DaveGilmour's imaginative present toDouglas wasintheformofapermitthat,withsuitableflourishes andcalligraphy (istherea fontcalled SchoolDiploma?), empoweredDouglasto appearin concertwiththeFloyd andplayoneguitarsolo.AsthePinkFloydhada gigcomingup inthegiant Earl’sCourtvenueintheautumn,thiswasa giftofmorethanacademicrel-
evance. Douglas wasthrilled beyondmeasure. Whenthetimecame(28October1994), DaveGilmour invited himontothestagetowarmapplause, and Douglas playeda soloatEarl'sCourtwithPinkFloydbacking himartfully andatmospherically asonlytheycan.Byallaccountshe hadpractisedand practisedthisnumberuntilthe householdcouldscarcelybearto hearit
again.Onthedayitselfhedidnotparticipate inanyofthehigh-spirited backstage messing aboutbeforehand, butholedupratheranxiously in a corner, andpractised again.Hewasgood,andplayedthepiecewithgreat skill.Hefinished—not that anyoneminded—just halfa beat behindthe band. Thefollowing yearDouglasgavean interviewinwhichhe reportedthat
he’dheardthatsomeone intheaudience hadasked: “Which oneisDouglas Adams?” Hiscompanion hadreplied: “The old,fat,balding one.” Andthefirst blokesaid:“Butwhich old,fat,baldingone?”* AtthistimetheFloydhadjustrecordedwhatwasto be TheDivision Bell, one oftheir most subtlealbums;as yet,however,they had not decidedwhat
tocallit.DaveGilmour wasagonising overthis;nothingstruckthemusiciansasquiteright.EvenwhenyouareasbigasPinkFloyd, sothenameof * Interview withDuncanFallowell, 1995.
168 WISHYOUWEREHERE
thebandratherthanthealbumisthebrand,youstillwantanengaging title*According to legend,DouglastoldDaveGilmourthathe hadthetitle, but that Davehad to write a chequefor £25,000on the spot made out to the
SavetheRhinoFoundation beforeDouglaswouldtellhim.Aftersomemut-
tering, Daveagreed. “The title’s rightthereinthelyrics,” saidDouglas—hence TheDivision Bell. Thosemusical evenings inIslington, surrounded byfamily, friendsand celebrities, gaveDouglasenormousjoy.He'dsitcloseto themusicians with an ecstaticgrin,movingonlyto fetchsomeonewhohefeltshouldsharethe pleasure.Healwaysfeltbereftifsomeonehelovedwasmissingoutonsome-
thingwonderful. SueAdams tellsa storyofstaying inthehouseinSantaBarbarawhenDouglas andJanehaddrivendownto LosAngeles fora Paul McCartney andDaveGilmourconcert.Inhighexcitement, Douglasphoned herfromtheauditorium. “Listen to this,”he said,holdinghismobilephone abovehis head.“Justlisten.”AndSuelistenedto a wallof soundrelayed
throughthetinymicrophone ofamobile. Ofcourse, itwasgratifying toDouglas's egothathecouldpersuade such artiststocometoIslington. Hewouldhavetohavebeenexceptionally free fromvanity(hewasn’t)nottohavefeltatsuchtimeslikea patronofthearts, theCosimodiMediciofIslington. Butanyonewhosawhimcouldnotdoubt
thathiswasthejoyofgenuine musical appreciation. Hefeltmusicdeepintheheartofhim,andhissensitivity toitwasinextricably linkedwithhissensitivity tothecadences oflanguage. Music wasa passionthatlastedallhislife.
* Oddly much thesameapplies tobooks. Bestselling authors, whose namesontheirbooks are hugeandembossed (andwhose titlesaremerefootnotes), stilltwitch incasetheycomeupwith something sodoggy thatitinhibits potential buyers atthepointofsale.
“Farnham (n) Thatfeeling yougetaboutfouro’clock intheafternoon whenyouhaven'tgot enough done.”
EIGHT Hoos Ee as
TheDeeper Meaning ofLiff Himnc
“Youwritewitheaseto showyour breeding, Buteasywriting’s vilehard
reading.” SHERIDAN, Clio’s Protest
[Ls
henThe Hitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy wentstraight inatnumber
one in the charts(number one with a bullet,as they say in the music world) and stayed there, two things happened. Firstof all Douglas,
laughing hugelyathisownself-indulgence, wentoutandboughthisshortlivedPorsche 911.Thesecond wasthat,unsurprisingly, Caroline Upcher and SonnyMehtaat Panwanteda sequel,andsoonagreedterms,formuch, muchmoremoney,withJillFosterandDouglasforTheRestaurant attheEndof theUniverse.”
Meanwhile thesuccess ofHitchhiker's hadattracted theattention ofpublishers aroundtheworld. Theyallkeepaneyeonthechartsandalotofthem inmajormarkets, especially London andNewYork, employ scouts whoseliterarynosesaretrainedto sniffoutgoodiesfortheirclients.Youcanbe sure that the phoneswerehumming,and dearold postiewasburdenedwith
muchexcited correspondence. (Thefaxmachine wasnotingeneralusein * Inmanywaysthisisthemostsatisfying oftheHitchhiker's books.
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WISHYOUWEREHERE
1979eventhoughit is quiteold-fashioned technology.) Germany;France,
Italy,Scandinavia, Japan,Spain, Greece... allthemajormarkets oftheworld boughttranslation rights, followed smartly bythesmaller ones.Estonia, Bulgaria,Czechoslovakia (asitwasthen),Hungary, Israel,Poland,Serbia...Pretty soontherewasscarcely a countryintheworldwitha localpublishing industryinwhichDouglasdidn’tappear.
Ablessed by-product ofallthesedealswas,ofcourse, a trickle, thena stream ofmoney. Yen, Deutschmarks, francs, drachma, zlotys andwhatnot, all camesloshing throughthesystem inDouglas's direction—but quiteslowly. (Actually thesmallermarketsusuallyhavetobuyinUSdollars.) Thoseofyou unfamiliarwithpublishingmightimaginethat if,say,a Germanpublisher
buystherightstoaworkfor100,000 Euros, thentheauthorfairlypromptly receives 100,000 Euros, perhaps minustheagent'sfeeof10%. Nota bitofit. Firstofalltheacquiring publisher willdisburse theadvance usingaschedule ofpaymentthatusuallydividesthetotalintoatleasttwostages(signature of thecontractandpublication). Thena sub-agentintherelevantterritorywill
takea 10%commission forexecuting thedealanddeploying hisorherlocal knowledge. Sometimes tax-exemption procedures canbe glacialwithout someone onthespot.Thentheproprietor—in Douglas's caseitwasPanhandlingforeign rightssales—will taketheagreedpercentage fromthesaleof thoserights(typically 25%). Onlyiftheoriginaladvancehasbeenearnedout willthebalancethenbe passedon to theauthor'sagent,andprobablynot
untilthenextroyalty accounting dateofwhichtherearetwoperannum. The agentwilldeductthe10%orsometimes thesedays15%forhisorherservices.Onlyafterthemoneyhasbeentransmitted downthislongchain(no
singlelinkofwhichismotivatedtobe veryspeedy)doestheauthorreceive a share.Itcantakemanymonths. YoucanseethatDouglaswouldnothavebeenoverwhelmed by spon-
dulix,andthisisjustaswellashewouldonlyhavespentitinstantly. However,henowhad asignificantincome fromforeign sales,andinMarch1980 he wouldalsohavereceivedhisfirst,and ratherawesome,royaltycheque fromPan. Douglas, frankly,lovedthemoneywhen,in theeighties,it finallystarted * Douglas wasalways hugeinGermany which, despite thestereotype, seemstohavea weakness forsurreal British humour. Theyevenmadea German version ofMonty Python’s Fliegender Zirkusonce,withallthePythonslearningtheirlinesphonetically.
WHOOSHING BY 171
rollingin likePacificbreakers.He'dtriednothavingmoney;notunreasonably,havingmoneyhadtheedge.Hisapproachwasinnocentlysimple.He dividedhisincomeintothree.OnethirdwasMonopolymoneyforplayand
pleasure. Onethirdheputasideforapension oratimewhenthewellsprings ofcreativity mightdryup.Onethird,destined—as hebelieved—for thetaxman,hegaveto hisaccountant(aboutwhomthereisa macabrestoryto be
toldinalaterchapter).
Douglas's accommodation wasstillprettycheap.JonCanterwasworking as a copywriterin advertising, thoughhis heartwas in screenplays and
sketches, andDouglas wasbringing homeveritable sidesofbacon,sothey decided toescapefromtheHolloway Road. Theflattheremayhavehada kindof romanceof the bleak,but by comparisontheirnewdigsnearSt. Mary’sChurchinleafyHighburyNewParkwereheaven.Thoseversedinthe geographyofLondonwillnoticethateachmovewastakingDouglascloser
toIslington, thoughhedidnotbuyanyproperty thereuntil1981. Jonsaysit wasstrange tocomehomeaftera harddaywriting fizzyselling copytofind Douglas beinginterviewed bysomebright-eyed journalist. Twosnapshotsoftheirlifethere:thefirstcordlessphones,aboutthesize andweightofa brick,hadjustbeenmanufactured. Douglasjusthadto have one,and took to wanderingabout the flatwith it makingcalls,eventakingit
totheloo.“Blimey,” orwordstothateffect, saidonecaller, “reception isnotso greatonthosegadgets. Theinterference soundslikesomeone having apiss fromagreatheight.” AnotherdetailJonremembers wasgivinga dinnerparty whenDouglaswanderedin and rathercommandeered it by decidingthe themefortheeveningwouldbethegreatnessofRingoStarr'sdrumming. Jon
wasnotangryabouthispartybeinghijacked. “Itwasn’t anarchic,” hesays, “anditwasn’t intended todisrupt. Itwasjustingenuous toafault...” Butmoreoftenthannot,Douglaswouldeatout.Therestauranttradein Londonintheearlyeightieshasa lottobegratefulfor:Douglasdidmuchto sustainit.Hewaswildlyhospitableabouttakingfriendsoutforexoticmeals;
sometimes, though,hismatesresented it.Douglas hadneverintended his wealthtobeseenastriumphalist and,whenhewasaccused ofalackofsensitivity, hewasmortified* * JonnyBrocktellsa storyofbeinga houseguestwitha largepartywhenDouglas hadhisplace
inProvence. Towards theendoftheholiday, Douglas suggested thattheyallgotooneofthe world’s mostfamous andexpensive restaurants ontheSwissborder. There wasmuchgulping
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Douglas himself hadlittleenvyinhismake-up andlikedtoseehisfriends succeed, andthiscouldleadtoa certain naiveté aboutmoney. Hewasrecklesslyextravagant. Itdidnotoccurtohimtofeeljealous ofthosewithmore (though much later,in California,he came to lose his innocencein that re-
gard)andhe couldbe takenbysurprisebythosewhowerejealousofhim. OtherwriterswhoknewDouglasat theBBCcouldbea littlesatirical. There
isawriters’ roomattheBBC, inagrimoffice blockinLangham Street justbehindBroadcasting House, wherethewriters oftopical comedy arehousedin uncomfortable chairsandfedallthedailypapers.OnceDouglaswasspotted on the pavementfromthe windowof this retreat.Severalscriptwriters yankedopenthe window,and one of them,believedto be a witty,short,
scruffy gitwithabeard,yelledout:“Oi,Douglas, tossusupsomedosh!” Douglas's loveofcomputers, hesaid“gave a wholenewmeaning tothe termdisposable income.” Oncehewasextolling thevirtues ofthenewApple laptopto me,andurgedmenotto delay.“Nick,” he said,aftera brilliantexpositionaboutthe superiorityof itsoperatingsystemoverthat ofthe PC, “Yousimplymustgetoneimmediately.” Itwasabout£2,000. I pointedoutto
Douglas thathehadsimply forgotten whatitwasnottobewealthy. Hewent quitepink. Buthe wasnot unawareofthe apparentcontradictions ofhavingpassionateviewsaboutthestateoftheworldwhilenotbeingputto thetestby his privilegedlifein hisbelovedIslington—famously the homeof “champagnesocialism” and,atonetime,TonyBlair.“Apparent” shouldbeinquota-
tionmarksbecause itishardtoseewhyhavingmoneyinthebankipso facto disqualifies youfromcaringabouttheplanet, especially ifyouropinions are supportedbywell-informed andrationalargument.LaterDouglasgaveunstintingly to suchcausesastheSavetheRhinofund.InSoLong, andThanks for AlltheFish,Douglasteasesthosesuffering fromsubtleliberalguiltbyinvent-
inga prostitute whoprovides anintimate andspecialized service: shetells wealthy peoplethatit’sallrighttoberich. Initially, though,amidthewelterofforeignrightsbeingsold,thebiggest Englishlanguagemarketofthemall,the UnitedStates,didnot go forthe andsurreptitious wincing, untilJonny tookDouglas asideandexplained thatmostofthemcould notafford itandwould feeluncomfortable aboutbeing feasted soextravagantly. Thesolution wasforeverybody tobuytheirownfood,butDouglas would treatthepartytothefearsomely costlycomponent—the wine.
WHOOSHING BY 173 book at all. Within five years,however,the US was to become Douglas's
biggestsourceofincome. ThepublishingindustryinAmericaislargelybasedinNewYork,though
therearepockets ofpublishers inCalifornia andBoston. NewYorkisanexcitingcity,buttheproblem isthatitknows it.NewYorkers areconvinced that theyarethepivotaroundwhichtheworldturns;inmanyways,theyare right.ThinkofthatfamouscartoonbySteinberg onthefrontoftheNewYorker magazine. Itwascaptioned“TheviewfromFifthAvenue” andthree-quarters of the imagewent as far as EighthAvenue.Almostout of the frame,on the
horizon itsaidCalifornia andJapan. Certainly inpublishing itisNewYorkandnotLondon wherethemajor dealsareexecuted, andthereisa vitalityandbuzzaboutthebusinessthere _thatishugelyexhilarating. Thenativewitiswonderful, but it’sthehumour of peopleunderfire.Evenbuyinga sandwichis combat.“We'vegot the
money, we'vegotthesmarts, we'vegotthestyle,andyou'rea bunchofBrits whoare,byandlarge,charming butuseless—and notinvariably charming either” isanattitude oftenencountered whendoingbusiness overthere. Backin 1979,publishingin NewYorkwasmadlyfashionable (andstillis, despitehavingbecomemuchmorecorporate). Atthetimeitwassetmainly
inmid-town Manhattan; allthepublishers kneweachother,manyofthem socially, quiteafewhadsleptwitheachother,andafairnumberhadplaces onLongIslandin theHamptons (therightHamptons asopposed to the wrongHamptons), wherethehierarchies ofofficelifewouldcontinuein different form.God help us, NewYorkersuse expressionslike “restaurantcul-
ture”withoutlaughingandworryaboutgettinga tablebythepoolattheFour
Seasons. Inthattoughcityitmatters ifthesneakers donotquitegowiththe jeans.Itwasa hothouse fullofcleverpeopleworking ina debauch ofselfregard. Yetforallitsgloss, NewYorkcanbeveryparochial. “It'sfartoo British... Britishhumourdoesnot travel.Wecisaliailitins cityslickersfromGothamCityunderstandit,but howwillit go downin Oshkosh, Wisconsin?” Suchwerethesentiments employed byAmerican edi-
torstokeeptheirchequebooks inviolate whenfacedwithThe Hitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy. Infairness, Americaisthedominantcultureoftheworldandit exportsitsentertainment in suchextraordinary volumethatthe industryis uptherewitharmaments andagriculture asoneoftheirbigthreeforeignexchangeearners.Theremustbe kidsinvillagesin NorthWalesor ruralJapan
whoaremorefamiliar withLosAngeles police procedural slangthantheyare
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withtheirownculture.Innumerable TVseriesand movieshavemadethe
American landscape knowntous,butthereverse isnottrue.Whyshouldit bewhentheUnited States manufactures ahome-grown product thatissoseductivethatit sellsallovertheplanet? Douglaswasbesidehimself.Hesowantedtobe a successintheUSA. “Bloody, bloodypublishers,” hewouldsnarl,“theyalwayssaythatstuffis
tooBritish. TheysaidthataboutMonty Python. Thesophisticated mediapeoplesayit.Theyallbloodysayit.Theonlypeoplewhodon’tsayitaretheaudience.Youknow,the readers,the actualpublic.I'vemetsomeof my
Americanfans,lotsofthem,and theygetit.Theyareverymuchlikemy Britishones.”Youhadto teasehimto nudgehimoutofhisTourette-ish riff.
And,ofcourse, eventually therightsweresold. SonnyMehtaremembers theprocess: Iwasonatrip toNewYork[thewinterof1979], rightafterwe'd
publishedHitchhiker's anditwasnumberoneinthecharts.I wasactuallyratherhookedon WorkmanPublishingin thosedays.They
onlydidnon-fiction ofaveryspecific sort.Theywerea small,very focused publishing house,andI justlovedthetypeofthingsthey didandtheenergy withwhichtheydidthem.ThenBruce[Harris, of Crown], whowasa friend,happenedto comebyandtakemeoutto lunchorsomething.IsaidI hadthisextremelyoddnovel...It’s not exactlysciencefiction;it’sveryeccentric.Sohe said:“Letmeseeit,”
andI said,“Well, actually anotherpublisher hasit.”I keptwaiting but[namedeletedtosaveembarrassment] hashaditfora weekor tendays,andhasn'tcomebackto me.SoBrucesaid:“I'llsendsomeone to pickit up.”Andthe verynextmorningthe phoneringsat about 7:30and I'dbeengettingwastedthe nightbefore.It’sBruce
Harris.Isaid:“Bruce, doyouknowwhattimeit is?”Andhesaid: “Now listen,IjustwanttotellyouthatlastnightI readthatmanuscriptyougaveme,andI reallywanttodoit.”AndI said:“You call me at 7:30to buy a manuscript?—forget it."*Brucemust have thoughtit wasa negotiatingploy,becausehe rangfivetimes. * Sonny isasupremely civilized man,butheisnota person inwhom theblood reaches thehigher cognitive functions before around 10:30a.m.
WHOOSHING BY 175
Anyway, theydidseeitimmediately, andactually Bruce wasthe otherpersonIwantedtoreadit,soheboughtitstraightaway. BruceHarrisis an affable,civilizededitorofthe old school.Nowthe Publisher
at Workman, he wasthenthe Publisherat HarmonyBooksandMarketing
Director ofCrown, a feistyindependent house,withthememorable address of1ParkAvenue. Crown haslongsincebeenabsorbed byapseudopod from oneoftheindustry’s giantcartels.BrucesaysthatwhenhereadHitchhiker's he laughedoutloud.(Youshouldappreciate thatittakesalottoproducethisresponsein a publisherforwhomthejoysofreadinghaveoftenbeencrushed
byroutine.) Itwas,hesays,theproverbial lightbulbgoingoffinhishead... AndthefactthatI couldpickuptwobooksfora sensible ad-
vanceofonly$15,000 in total,whensmarterpublishersthan I had passed,washelpful.I hadto clearitwithmyboss,forCrowndidnot publishmuchfiction.Wealwaystriedto do goodstuff,andDoug-
lasAdams provedtobehelpfulfortheimprint. I remember Douglas withgreatwarmth.Whenhe firstcame overto do promotion,we went out to lunchand we got on famously.ThenI took him to a bookstore,ColosseumBooks,and said:
“Goahead,buywhatyouwant.I'llpay.” I always founditinterestingtoseewhatauthorschoose, andit’sa gesturetheyappreciate. WeoncedidadealwithMaurice Sendak aftergivinghimtherunof our warehouse.Anyway,Douglaswasmodestat first,but eventuallyboughtabout$200worthofbooks.Rightontopofthepilewas a titleon howto overcomewriter'sblock.
OurfirsteditionofHitchhiker's wasa neatlittlehardback priced at$9.95. Ithadanillustrated jacketoftheringsofSaturnmakinga rudegesture,and largelyon the strengthofthatwe gotfloordisplaysfromWaldenBooks[alarge,powerfulchain].Douglasenjoyed thepromotiontours,too.Alotofauthorsfindthemarduous,buthe
seemed tolikethetravel,thehotels,theprettygirls,anddoingthe signings. Hegota kickoutofreadinghisworkandlikedmeeting theaudience. I'llmisshim.Hewasalwaysjolly,a gustoffreshair.HewasterriblyprescientaboutInformationTechnology and allthat stuff.He
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foresawitsimplications yearsbeforetherestofus.OnceI wason a panelwithhimin Cannesto discussthe impactofthe CD-Romon
publishing, something aboutwhichIknewlittle.Douglas rehearsed someofitwithmebeforewewenton,andthenhegaveadazzling performance himself. I stillrecallhimdescribing howitwouldbe possibletoviewtheceilingoftheSistineChapelasifwalkingalong justa fewfeetbeneathit.
Itisinteresting thatBruce mentions Douglas's loveoftravel, because laterin hislife,whenhefounditexcruciatingly difficult towrite,hewouldusetravel
asananaesthetic. Thesuccession ofairports andendless lonelyhotelrooms, withtheiridenticallay-out,mini-barsand anxiouslypolythene-wrapped plasticmugs,thejetlag,the permanenthumin theears,the homogeneous malls,hispolishedproductionofthe samespeech—all thiscouldinducea
kindofhypnagogic trance,likeluciddreaming. It wasflight—flight from deadlines andsomeoftheresponsibilities ofhome. Brucewasn’ttheonlyAmerican publishertoadorethebook.BackinLondon,MartyAsher,Editor-in-Chiefof PocketBooks,alsolovedit.PocketBooks
wasa largepaperbackhouse,partofSimon&Schuster(itselfthenownedby
Paramount, andnowpartoftheevenmoreunlikely mediacartel, Viacom). Martyisa modestly sizedmanwitha quickwitandengaging manner. He wasinLondonona missionthatwasthereciprocal versionofSonny'sonthe othersideoftheAtlantic. MartywassearchingtheBritishmarketforgoodies;andhadseena copyofHitchhiker's in Pan'sofficeandscroungedonefor
consideration ofitsUSpotential. Ithadbeen a wintryday.MartyhadjustgotbacktohisroomattheSavoy Hotel,suffusedwiththehonourablefatiguethatcomesaftertrawlingpublishersallacrossLondon,andfrombeingpolitelynoncommittal whenofferedcompletedogs.Hedecidedto takea bath.Thebathsat the Savoyare
verycomfortable fortheyareconstructed onsucha heroicscalethatyou havetoswimtoreachtheplughole. Alsotheycomeequipped withstainless * Thesetripsarefun.Youchargearoundtheindustry seeingoldmatesandusuallybeingtreated
toagreatdealoflunch, butaftera weekofthreeorfourmeetings inthemorning, lunchinthe lineofduty, fourmeetings intheafternoon, earlyevening drinks andsometimes dinner, your hotelroomisankledeepinmanuscripts andyou'reinsuchastateoffuguethatyouwould not recognize a bestseller ifitbityouonthebum.
WHOOSHING BY 177
steelart-decoaccessories forholdingloofahs,sponges, soapandrecentBritish
bestsellers. MartyAsher(nothing ifnotprofessional) relaxed inthehotbath, readingDouglasAdamsandlaughinglikea drain.
Thisbook,hethought, isamust-have. Hewasdisappointed tolearnthat hehadjustbeenbeatentothepostbyBruceHarris, butasPocket wasa mass-market paperback housewithconsiderable clout,Martywasableto buytheUSpaperback rightsfromCrown. Inmanywaysthiswasanideal combination. Crownwasquirky,independentandtryinghard,andstillsmall enoughto havethe personaltouch,whilePocketwasa bigmarketingma-
chinewithpowerful distribution across theUS. Crown's Harmony hardcover soldout,butHitchhiker's didnotbecome the hugebestseller thatithadbeenintheUK.Theradioserieshadbeenpicked upbysomeofthecoolerstationsintheAmerican NationalPublicRadionetwork,butitwasn’tuntilMarch1981thatallthestationstookitandgaveit a
national airing.Pocket’s promotion forthepaperback wasquiteinventive. Theypitched thebooksquarely atthecollege crowdwithlotsofadvanced reading copies givenawayatuniversity andcollege bookshops. Douglas was embarrassed thatmorewasmadeofhisconnection withMonty Python than wasreallythe case,but he partlyhadhimselfto blameas he had solicited spoofquotesfrom all the Pythons.(‘AlotfunnierthananythingJohnCleese
haseverwritten’—Terry Jones—gives aflavour). Besides, fromthepublisher's pointofview, Monty Python wasexactly therightbuttontopress,something quintessentially Englishthatworkedcommercially inAmerica. Pocketrana largeadintheRolling Stone, a magazinewithsomeexcellent journalismand impeccablestreetcred.Thefirst3,000respondentswho could
beartowritetotheHyperspace Hitchhiking Club(c/oPocket Books) would receive afreebie copy. | Martyrecalls thatwhentheypublished thepaperback inAugust 1981, the initialimpactwasnothugebutthatthepatternofsaleswasveryencouraging.Herecalls:
It wentoutin thehipperindependent bookshops, especially wheretherewasa bigstudentmarket. Itwasculty.Wesold50,000 andthenreprinted,andkeptongoingbackto press.Bythetimehis secondhardcoverwaspublishedweknewwehad something.The serieskepton loopingroundon NationalRadiotoo.
I metDouglas attheABA[theAmerican Booksellers’ Associa-
178 WISHYOUWEREHERE
tion,a hugetradeconvention]in LosAngelesthat year.Wehad a
large,amusing lunch.Hewaswonderfully lunatic,andI wassurprisedathowmuchhelovedCalifornia. Hewaslikea kidina gigantictoy store.He loved it even though there was another deadlineimminent.
Meanwhile, backatPan,publishing Douglas wasbothpleasurable andirritating. Publishers’ editors, forexample, willoftenbuytheirauthors lunch.It’s oneoftheperksinanindustry thatisnotwellpaid.Itiseasiertoestablish a rapportwithsomeonewhilesharingsucha basichumanappetiteasfood. Fromtheprofessional pointofviewit alsohasthevirtueofputtinga frame aroundtheencounter;evena reallylonglunchisnotasdangerousasinvit-
inganauthortotheoffice whereheorshecanhangaboutalldaypeering resentfully atotherauthors’ point-of-sale material. Butthemarginsinpublishingareasthinasthepaintona Frenchcar,and editorsdonothaveunlimitedexpenses. Inevitably theexesgetscrutinized— sometimes withappallingrigour—by aclerk intheaccountsdepartment who cannotgraspwhysomespoiltmedia-trendy shouldbe entitledto somuch
freelunch. Sothedeal,thoughinexplicit, withauthors isthattheydonottrespasstoomuchontheeditor’s privileges. It’sjustbadformalways toorderthe mostexpensive thingonthemenuandwashitdownwithwinethatmaycost a week'swages.DearoldDouglashadnosuchinhibitions. Itwaspartlythat he inheritedhisfather’sappetiteforluxury.Also,thoughin manywayshe
lovedfame,hecouldneverquitebelieve it.Insecurity gnawed athimallthe time:amIreallyastar?Perhaps if]actlikeone,andpeople clearly treatmelike one,itwillbysomeprocessofmagicalthinkingbecomeanunassailable truth. But,onehastoconcede,sometimes hewasjustthoughtless. Hiseditor,CarolineUpcher,whocombinesemotionalsensitivity* withan uncompromising
determination nevertobeacorporate drone,wasnotamused whenheordered,notchecking withherfirst,a bottleofchampagne inasmartrestaurant
withbreathtaking smartrestaurant-type mark-ups. Thereisa legend, still whisperedinlunchingcircles, thatshetoldhimhecouldpayforithimself. Asanybodywhohasworkedinanofficeformorethana minutewillappreciate, internalmemoranda aremoreoftenavehicleforpoliticsthanforin* Much later, whenshehadturned into afine writer herself, shewrote forGQmagazine oneofthe mostinsightful pieces aboutDouglas everpublished.
WHOOSHING BY 179
formation. Theeaseofemailhasonlyexacerbated theproblem. Caroline isa fineeditor, nota tactician; itishugelytohercreditthatshecouldneverbe botheredwiththe nuancesofthe blindcopyto the CEO;lifeis too short. Companies havetheirownstyle,andPan’sidiomwasracyandno-nonsense.
Here’s amemofromthePanfilesthatspeaks ofDouglas’s sometimes exasperating needforattention. To:Sonny cc:Jacqui[Graham] Re:DOUGLAS ADAMS
From: Caroline 29 October1979
Douglasisundertheimpression heishavingdinnerwithyouand Jacquion Wednesday, 31 October(Halloween). He had assumed|
wouldbetherebutItoldhim(quitetruthfully) thatI hada datefor dinnerthatnightbut,ifasked, Iwouldbehappytobearoundherefor a drinkearlieron.I wasactuallyintendingto waituntilwehadtied up termsforthesecondbookbeforegettinghimin fora drinkwith you,butnowhe hashookedontoyouviaJacquiI guessit makesno
difference. BUT heisnowPESTERING meaboutthefucking evening. Approximately threetimesonFriday andtwicealready today. Ican’tdinewith
himonWednesday andI’msurepoorJacquihashadherfillofhimfor awhile,butmaybeI'mwrong.DoyouorJacquiwanttofinalizewhat youwanttodowiththefuckeronWednesday andlethimknow—or
letmeknowsoIcangivehimananswer nexttimehecalls...? Thanks.
Underneath Caroline wroteinlonghand:“Betyoutenquidhegetsonto ei-
theroneofusbynoontoday! C.” However, coping withDouglas's stupendous talentforrestaurants wasthe leastofanypublisher's problems withhim.Theshatteringly stressful vexationwasgettingthe textout ofhimin the firstplace,forDouglasenjoyed beinga famouswriter,butheloathedtheprocessofbecomingone.Thatentailedwriting.
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Thestoriesof his delinquency aboutdeadlinesare,sadly,alltrue.Famouslyhe saidhe loveddeadlinesbecausehe lovedthe soundof them
whooshing by.Therealitywasthathisdilatoriness wasjustnotfunny.It causeda dealofgriefforhispublishers, butforthemitwasjusta matterof professional inconvenience andcommercial pain.PoorDouglassufferedagonizingdespairwhenhefelthejustcouldnotdoit.Hewasknownto fallto thecarpetandweep. Publishersare usedto authorsrunninglate;overthe yearstheyhave
evolved anicely judged scaleofresponses. Whenanauthorconfesses tolateness,asapublisher youcannotafford tobetoourbane(“Don't worry...par forthe course...getit rightratherthando it now...”),evenifyouhaven't scheduled thebookinquestionandit’snotparticularly time-sensitive. Many authorsaresochronically insecurethattheyinterpreta forgiving responseas
indifference (“Ohno,”theythink,“mypublisher doesn'tappeartowantit’). Thismaylegitimize furtherdilatoriness ontheirpart.No,youhavetobedistinctlydisappointed, butnotsonarkedthatyouinducea paralysing degree ofanxietyinyourwaywardauthor.Ontheotherhand,iftheworkin questionisa majorchunkofturnover,theabsenceofwhichwillmakea notice-
abledentintheannualaccounts, andtheentiretradeisgearedupforits arrivalona particular date,yourneedtogettheworkontimeacquires an unusual sincerity. Evenmoresoifyouhavepaidalargeadvance forit. Withhisthirdbook,Life, theUniverse andEverything, Douglashaddecided to changeagents.JillFosterissmart,butDouglasfeltthatheneededrepresentationfroma high-profile heavy.EdVictorissucha man;withhismel-
lifluousmid-Atlantic voice,he is oneof nature’sgreatsalesmen. Heis celebrated inthemediaworldandwasoncelistedasthemanwho,withhis wife,Carol,a lawyer, wenttomorepartiesinLondoninoneseasonthanany otherhumanbeing.(HenryJamesis supposedto be the all-timerecordholder,havingattendedmoredinnerpartiesinoneyearthantherearedays
intheyear)ForDouglas's thirdandfourthbooks, Edhadnegotiated alorryloadofmoney. NowDouglas lovedserious moneyandalltheoptions thatitcouldbuy,
butatthesametimehetoldhisfriendsthathefelttrappedbythehugeadvancesthatimposed a pressurealloftheirown.Ifsomeoneis paying£5a word,theyhadbetterbebloodywell-chosen words.Hefounditterriblydif-
ficulttogetdowntoanywork.Being preternaturally smart,heunderstood whathewasdoingandthendespised himself forbeingsoweak-willed. His
WHOOSHINGBY
181
crudesubterfuges fornotwriting wereneverconvincing, leastofalltoDouglashimself. ItwaswithSoLong, andThanks forAlltheFish,* Douglas's fourthbook(and thefirstnottobebasedonhisradioscripts)thatmatterstooka drasticturn. SonnyMehtarecallswhathappened:
Therewasalwaystheproblemofwhenthemanuscripts were goingtobedelivered. Idon’tthinkitwaswriter'sblocksomuchas he hateddoingit.I'msurehe alwaysmeantto write,it’sjustthat moreinterestingthingscameup. Eitherthinking,or goingto the pubfora drink,or meetingsomemateforlunch,or somethinglike
that.I canunderstand itentirely—I'm muchlikeitmyself whenyou comedowntoit.Ididhaveagreatdealofsympathy forhim. ButI didlockhimup in thehotelroom—thatisabsolutelytrue. Wewerereallyup againstthewire.Wehadthejacketdoneandall the restof that kindof crap.Then,of course,I speakto Douglas.
“How’s it going?” I say,andhe says,“Oh,prettywell.Youshould haveitina coupleofmonths.” Thisusedtogoonandonandon. ThenI'dphoneEd,andEdwouldsay,“Listen, I thinkDouglas is working.Hesaidyoushouldhaveit in a coupleofmonths.”Andas I recollect, Edfinallysaid,“Ithinkweoughttohavea meetingabout
this.”SoweallturnedupatUpperStreet, whereDouglas andJane were,andwesatdownandhad along talk,anditbecame clear,actually,thatDouglas hadonlywrittenabouttwenty-five pages.So thenI wentbackto the office,andI spoketo Simon[Master] andI said,“Look,you'renotgoingto havethemanuscript.” Thiswasimportant,becausewe'dmadea bigfussaboutthefact
wewerepublishing it in hardcover' andalltherestofit—apart andreSFexpert theacademic TomShippey, wereharshaboutthisone.Forinstance, * Thecritics viewer, foundit“toocool,asAdamsisnowedgingdownfromVogon poetrytomeresatireof BritishRailsandwiches . . .”
liTheyhadbeenlicensing edition. firsthardcover forAlltheFishwasPan’s andThanks + SoLong, atrick.Itwasaveryelegant theyweremissing buttheyrealized Barker, toArthur braryeditions onthefrontthatalterimage withanoddlenticular DayEllison byGary designed allblack, book, theirProducBleasdale, David ontheangle. depending andaplesiosaur awalrus natedbetween hadpickedupa joblotoftheseimagesinHongKong.Itdidn’thavemuchtodo tionDirector,
withthetext,butsomehow itworked andthebookisnow acollector'sitem.
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fromthefactthatwewerecountingon it,justin financialterms.So I hada longtalkwithEdthenextmorningandI said,“Look, Douglashasgotto finishthisbook,andifwejustwait,wemaybe wait-
ing eighteenmonths,twoyears...”ClearlyI wasenormously concerned, andI'msureEdwastoo,because therewasmoneyinit forhimtoo.SoI said,“Whydon’tI put Douglasin an environment wherehe’sreallygotto work?”Edsaid,“It’san interestingidea.” SoI cameup withthe wheezeof puttinghimin a hotelroom someplace.Butit wasno goodputtinghimin a hotelroomif he
wasn'tgoingtobesupervised. SoI said,“Look, I'mgoingtodothis: I'mgoingto geta hotelsuiteand I'llmovein myselfandmake
Douglaschurnoutpages.”Everyonethoughtit wasa goodideaifI waspreparedto doit.WefoundtheBerkeley—fucking greatterrace outside,I mightadd... It didcosta fewbob.I phonedBruceHarris
at Crown,andsaid,“Listen, thisis whatI'mgoingto do,”andit turnedout thoseguyswereevenmoreanxiousthan we wereat Pan,so I said,“Butyou'regoingto haveto pickup halfthe tab for thehotel.”Therewasa bigsilenceandthentheyagreed. AndsoI wentto lookat thesuite,andI toldDouglasthatwe’d
betterbethereat3 o'clocktomorrow, andheagreed. HeandJane talkedaboutit.I said,“Bring clothesandwhatever else—there is goingtobea routine,I'llspellit outtoyouwhenyouturnup.”And wesenta cabaroundto pickhimup. Sohe turnedupwitha typewriter, hisclothes,a guitarortwo—
I didn’tmindat all.[Douglas wasina DireStraits modeatthetime] Iwasjustsorelieved thefucker turnedup.Theoffice shippedacross a caseofwineformeandboxesofmanuscripts, sothatIwouldbe abletowork.AndI movedin.Thereweretwobedrooms—I remember puttingDouglasin the smallerone becauseI was extremely pissedoff.
ThereasonwehittheBerkeley washewantedto swim,and therewasa poolupstairs. Theotherreasonwasthatitwascloseto myhouse,so I couldnipoutfromtimeto timeandsayhelloto my
wife.SoI explainedthe routine was that I'd get him out of bed; he’d
go up for a swim;we'd havebreakfast;finishby 8:30a.m.Then
Douglas wouldsitdownatthissmalldeskwitha typewriter, andI wouldsitinan armchair atforty-five degreesfromthat,myback
WHOOSHINGBY 183
facinghim,andI'dreada manuscript. I'dwaitforthesoundofthose
fingersonhistypewriter keys—which sometimes wouldhappen, sporadically, andthenthere'dbe longperiodsofsilence, andI'd turnaroundtocheckhimoutandseethathehadn'tcroaked onme orsomething. He’dbesittingup,staringoutthewindowatthisroof terrace.EverynowandthenI'dsay,“How’s it going?”Andhe’dsay, “Fine,fine.”Andyou'dhearpaperbeingcrumpledandthrowninto
abin. Itwasquitemacabre, lookingbackonit.Gradually thepileof manuscripts thatI wasreadingwouldgrowonthefloorasI went
throughyet anothersubmission.At the end of the day I would gathertogetherwhateverpagesDouglashadwritten,andwe’dtalk
aboutit andthenI wouldphonetheoffice. Myassistant, Jenny [Gregorian] wouldturnupandcollect thepagesandtakethemto theoffice. Roomservicewouldcomedownforlunch,andinthe eveningwewouldgoouttosomerestaurantroundthecorner,have
dinner, and then I'd bring Douglasback, and say,“OkayDouglas, you'd better get some sleep,”and he would be sent to his room.
Thatisroughlywhattheroutinewas.Everynowandthenhe wouldgetupandplaytheguitar.Andwe’dtalka littlebit...you know.Thatwasaboutit.Occasionally I'dgothroughthebinto see whathe'dchuckedaway—you know,discreetly, whenhewasgone
tohaveapissorsomething—and itwouldsaythingslike,“Who the fuckdoeshethinkheis?”Therewasonepage,I remember, ofvery choiceabuse,whichIactually keptandhadonmynoticeboardfor quitea while—even in NewYork,actually.Duringoneoftherefurbishmentsit kindofvanished,alongwithothermemorabilia.
Thiskidnapping ofDouglas hasentered publishing legend. Sonny andDouglasaresounlikeeachotherthatattimesitmusthavebeenlikesomedodgy hostagesiege*Sonnywasextraordinarily patient,buthehasalwayshadthe capacityto concentrate on a manuscriptand,beingincarcerated in a hotel withcoffeeandroomservice,he probablygotthroughanunusualamount
ofwork. It saysa lotforSonny'ssympathy, andthegeneralaffection inwhich * Would makea two-hander play?
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Douglas washeld,thatthisdesperate expedient wasresorted to at all.Of course, Panneededthebookandyoujustcannotterrorize anauthorinto
creativebrilliance.Buttherearenot manyindustriesin whicha partyin
breachofcontract wouldreceive suchsuccour. Every evening intheBerkeley, Sonny wouldsitandreadtheday’soutput underthecloseinspection ofDouglas. Allauthors needapproval. Inmyexperience thebestwriters areactually orincipiently alittlenuts;youhaveto
be slightlymadto pursuesuch asolitary craftinthefirstplace.Readingan author'sworkinhisorherpresenceisa kindofagony.Nostudyofyourface
haseverbeensocloseorunremitting. Wasthatatwitch? Didyousmile? In whichcase,atwhichbitoftext?Didyougetthatjoke?ForChrist's sake,say something. Mostauthors arecontent—no, “content” isnotawordthatcanbe appliedtowriters—are prepared towaituntilthey'vefinishedthebookbefore demandingadmirationfromtheireditor.Withhis laterbookstherewere timeswhenDouglasneededlovealmostpagebypage.
Sonny, whoisnota naturalthespian, nevertheless hasauthority. “This is fine,Douglas,” wouldcarryasmuchweightfromhimasvolumes ofgush froma lesserfigure. Despite theirsolitary confinement, SonnyandDouglas remainedongoodterms.Whenthefinalpagewasdelivered, theywentout fora dinnerthatwassolargeandalcoholic thatitwaserasedfromboththeir memories.
Sonny neverhadtolockupDouglas again. Later, SueFreestone, firstona freelance basisandthenashiseditorat Heinemann, tookovertherole,and discharged itwithempathyandcompassion. Whatofthebookitself?ItisregardedbyhardcoreDouglasfansasrather thin.Butitisveryfunnyandmoreemotional thanmanyofhisotherswhich
tendto be sparkling withintellect, butlesssureon characterization and humaninteraction. SoLong isinmanyways a tenderlovestory, anditsconstruction—which isveryepisodic—is fulloflittlescenes thatarealmost self-
containedandthat showoffDouglas’s talentas a sketchwriter.In Sputnik Sweetheart, HarukiMurakami,the wonderfulJapanesewriter whose work in
somewayshasbeeninfluenced byDouglas, described thestorywithinthe storyforever beingwrittenbyoneofhischaracters as“thebestpatchwork quiltofanovelsewnbygrumpy oldladies.”* SoLong, andThanks forAlltheFish isalsoratherquilt-like; it’senveloping, warm,a bitsoppy,andthesquaresof * Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart, translated byPhilip Gabriel (Vintage Books, 1999).
WHOOSHING BY 185
the patchworkalternatebetweenthe surrealandthe everyday. In placesit reads almostas if he didn’twant to write the fantasticalbits,but could not
short-change hisreaders withtheirexpectations oftheweird. Douglas endsthebookonanotethatseems bothtoworkwithinthecontextofthenarrative andtostandoutsideasa commentary uponit:“There
was a pointto this story,but it has temporarilyescapedthe chronicler’s mind...”Thetruthisthathereallydidnotwanttowriteanymoreifhecould
avoidit.Hewasdetermined tomakeanotherHitchhiker's sequelimpossible. Unfortunately, hewassoinventive thathecouldescape fromanydead-end ofplot,ashehadproved already bywriting aroundthesmashing intoatoms ofthe planetEarth.LikeConanDoyle,forcedby publicdemandto revive SherlockHolmesafterhis headlongdropwiththe evilMoriartyintothe Reichenbach Falls,Douglas hadbeenpushedbyhislegionsoffans—and, let's
notbeingenuous, bythehugeadvances—into carrying onhitchhiking. Heartbreakingly formanyofhisfans,hekilledoffMarvin theParanoid Android, who,afterbillions ofyearsofboredom anddepression mostly spent in a carparkwaitingto be patronizedbydimprimates,isallowedblissfully, finallyandirrevocably to stop.
“Ithink,” hemurmured atlast,fromdeepwithinhiscorroding, rattlingthorax.“Ifeelgoodaboutit.” It’sa messagefromDouglas: nomore.Heyearnedto moveon.
“Nobody knowsanything.” Wittiam GOLDMAN,
Adventures intheScreenTrade “California isa greatplacetoliveifyouhappentobe
NINE
anorange.” FRED ALLEN
HiPPopuUsY. Cmms eanp TH [email protected] se2ce2
alifornianevenings...Asfilmpeoplesit roundtheirgreatoakote
effectfires,and chronicletheir adventuresin the moviebusiness,
manyarethetalestoldoftheagentkings,borneontheheroicbodiesofstar-
letsfromthefieldofbattletotheirValhalla inthePoloLounge. Therethey holdcourt,enthroned inbarfurniture ofthedeepest plush,toying withtheir icedmineralwaterastheytalkoffortuneswonandlost,anddealsthatmade orbrokethenamesofmortalmen.Andofallthesagas,sungfromrooftops, whisperedin corners,few have been so terrible,so extended,so downright
capricious astheGreatNon-making ofHitchhiker, theMovie.
Shortly before hedied,Douglas, withhistalentforthetelling analogy, said thatmakinga filmwasliketryingtogrilla steakbyhavinga seriesofpeople comeinto the room and breatheon it.In a moment'sdespair,he told EdVic-
torhowhecalculated thathe’dwastedfiveanda halfyearsofhislifetrying
togetthemoviemade,andthat,“I'mnotgoingtospendanotherfucking minuteonit.”
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“Ofcourse,” Edrecalled, “amonthlaterhewasbackdevotinghimselfto thefilm.Hejustwantedthatfilmsomuch.”
There's eventhisbitterdefinition inThe Deeper Meaning ofLif: Spiddle(vb) Tofritter away aperfectly good lifepretending todevelop afilmproject. In partit isthehorrificexpenseofmakinga moviethatpervadesthebusinesswithanxiety. Itmaybetruethatmanypeopleinthefilmworldareunsureabouttheirownjudgementandfrightenedoflookinglikeidiots,butin
fairness therisksarehuge.Inpublishing, forinstance, ifaneditorbuysabook thatdoesn’tsell,totallosswillbetheadvance,theexpenditure onmanufac-
tureanddistribution, andtheburdenonoverheads—tieing upcostlymachinerywitha dog.Unlessitwerea hugepuntonsomethingdisastrous, the totallossisunlikelytobe morethantensofthousandsofpoundsordollars. Amovie,on the other hand, canburn up $100millionand recoveronlya few
million intheatrical release andvideosales.InatoughtownlikeHollywood youcannothavemanydisasters onthatscale. Fearstalksthestudiocorridors likea Psycho-killer inResidence. Fromthe momentHitchhiker's waspublishedin 1979,therewastalkofa film.Therehad been mention of GeorgeLucas,whose IndustrialLightand
Magic hadstunned theworldtheyearbeforewiththespecial effects inClose Encounters oftheThird Kind.However, thereis no recordofanyflirtationwith
Lucas. Given thatDouglas squirreled awayeverything (though innokindof
order),sucha rumourwasprobablyjustwishfulthinking. Butbeforethefilmsagacouldbegin,thetellymini-series ofTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy hadto come,andgo.
Theseries wasmadeattheendof1980 andbroadcast insixepisodes from 5January1981to9February 1981, aboutthreemonthsafterpublication of TheRestaurant attheEndoftheUniverse, whichwasstillridinghighin thebestsellerlists.Thesedays,TVandfilmrightsareusuallysoldtogetheron the groundsthatifbothweretobeexploited simultaneously theycouldinterfere witheachotherBesides, theirmarketsaresointertwined thatitmakessense
tokeepthemlinked. Forinstance, evenwereitpossible tonegotiate a nonexclusive contract,whosevideowouldbe releasedfirstifbotha filmanda tellycompanymakea versionof a particularwork?Filmsconsumesuch prodigious quantitiesofmoneythateveryrightwithanycommercial poten-
HIPPODUST, FILMSANDTHETELLYSAGA 189
tialknowntoman,notexcluding stained-glass dramatization andmicrodots, hasto be partofthe dealandis factoredintothe originaldecision.Atthe
time,however, EdVictor wasabletoputthefilmrightsintoplaywithout the TVseriesrepresenting toomuchofanencumbrance. TheTVversion wasfirmlyinthehandsoftheBBC. TheBeebhadbeen thrilledbyitssuccesswiththetworadioseries.Beingjealousofitsproperty, itwasirritatedthattherunawaysalesofthebookswerebeingenjoyedbyan externalpublisher. Duringthisperiodtheinstitutionwasemergingfromits
noblemantleofpublicservice intoaharsher worldofcommerce anditwas coming undera lotofpressure fromtheConservative government ofMargaretThatcher, awoman suffused withthefrightening certainty ofonewhose electoralprospectshadbeenincalculably enhancedbythebloodywarover the FalklandIslands*Sheseemedto havean almostvisceraldislikeof a broadcasting corporation thatmanyofusregardedasa nationaltreasure.In
thedemonology oftherightwing,theBBC wasstaffed byleft-leaning, overprivileged, disrespectful publicschoolboys whowereinsulated fromthereal world!bythepublic’smoneyintheformoflicencefees. Thiswasthebackground thatpredisposed theBBCtokeepitsgoodiesinhouse.Thehuge,cultishsuccessofthetworadioserieswouldsurelytranslate
totheTV.ItwasJohnLloyd whostartedoffthewholeprocess withamemo backinSeptember 1979 totheHeadofLightEntertainment. Init,Johnpersuasively listedallthecredentials thatHitchhiker's hadacquiredbythen:radio seriesthatwererepeatedoverandoveragainbypublicdemand,bestselling books,theatricalproductions, evena nominationfora HugoAward.” John
hadbythenmovedovertotelevision wherehewasridinghighonthesuccessofNottheNine O'Clock News, andwaslooking foranother project. Evidently hehadforgiven Douglas forfiringhimoffthebook,oratleastbothparties tacitlyconspirednotto talkaboutit.Intheircomplicated danceofadvance * Forthoseofyoutooyoung toremember, inMarch 1982theArgentine military dictator, Colonel Leopoldo Galtieri, facing economic crisisandunrest athome, invaded theFalkland Islands, some 300milesoffthecoastofArgentina, towhich theArgentines hadlonglaidclaim. Bytheendof June,aftera bitter72-day campaign, Britain hadretaken theislands byforce. Nearly athousand menfrombothsideshaddied.Galtieri wasdeposed;Margaret Thatcherlasteduntiltheendof
thedecade. T Politicians ofteninvoke thisphilosophically hazyconcept whentheyarearguing somespiteful spasmofpolicy isanecessity. coNamed afterthelegendary editor, Hugo Gernsback, thisisSF’shighest annual accolade.
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and retreat, they were again best friends. Eventually,however,John did
notproduce theshow. Having startedasco-producer onthefirstepisode, he thenbecame—in thatexquisitely precise codeknownonlytotheinitiated— Associate Producer. Severalsuggestions fromhimabouthowtoproceedwere disregarded, butinfairnesscreativeendeavours likethisdooftenneeda sin-
gle,strongvoice. Eventually thedemands ofJohn’s ownextraordinarily successful careertookhimawayfromtheseriesaltogether. BythistimeDouglas hadgivenuphisjobattheBBC. Hehadbeendoing
it forfifteenmonthsandwasverytired.Itwas,asNeilGaimanpointsoutin Don'tPanic, theonlyproperjobheeverhad—andhe'dworkedatitlikea man
possessed. Hehadscript-edited manyepisodes ofDr.Who, fourofwhichhe hadalsowritten(threeofthese,buffswillnote,featured adisturbed Captain who,Vogon-like, destroyed worlds). Douglas hadalsowritten theentiresecondHitchhiker's radioseries, andcreated andproduced apantomime, acharacteristically oddandparodicworkcalledBlack Cinderella IIGoes East.Hehad madeenoughmoneyto declareindependence; he wasundercontractto
write more books; and his private life—ofwhich there’smore in the next
chapter—had acquired ashattering degree ofintensity. Thedayjobhadtogo. Allthroughhiscreativelife,Douglaslikedtohaveifnottotalcontrolthen considerable influenceonhowthedifferentformsofhisworkwouldappear. Thisdesirewaslaterto provea handicapwithHollywood whichregardsits writersaskrill,a speciesdestinedtoremaina longwaydownthefoodchain.
Itwasn'tjustthevanitythatdeclares “nobody candothisaswellasI can!” Hiswishforcontrol overhisownmaterial wasmorearesponse tothequirkinessofwhatheproduced. There's anintegrity toitthatcouldeasilyhave
beenlostifitwereemulsified andthenpouredintothestandardformatsthat the mavensof mass-marketentertainmentpatronizingly misperceiveas
beingwhatthepublicwants. Tohiscredit, Douglas had,aftersomenegotiation, turneddownaTVoffer fromABC inAmerica, whereThe Restaurant attheEndoftheUniverse hadmade theNewYork Times bestsellerlist.ABChadoffereda tempting$50,000 forthe rightswithmoreto come.Butfollowing discussionwiththe menin suits, Douglasrealizedthat justabouteverythingthat madeHitchhiker's unusual
wouldnotsurvive theprocess ofrendering itdownfortheUSmarket. He wasproudofhisdecision (“though Ihadtogetdrunktomakeit,”hetoldNeil Gaiman): itshoweda respectfortheintegrityoftheworkanda refusalnotto followthemoneyslavishly. ABCwas,according to Douglas, moreinterested
HIPPODUST,FILMSANDTHETELLYSAGA 191
in specialeffectsthanin thescript,whichwasapparentlydire*In anycase, thecostofthefirstepisodewasestimatedatanunacceptable $2millionplus.
Perhaps itwasthisexperience thatprompted Douglas tosaytohisguitarplaying pal,KenFollett: “The thingittookmesometimetograsp, Ken,isthat Hollywood isdeeply shallow." EdVictorrecalls:
Therewasan American guycalledDonTaffner wholivedin England andmadeaverydecentlivingbyspotting showsinwhich hecouldbuyformatrightsandthenselltheminAmerica. I think he did‘TilDeathDoUsPart,andhe mayhavedoneSteptoe andSon.He wantedto makeTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy as a televisionseries.Heplannedto pilotninetyminutesforABC.Imadea dealwith
him,butitneverhappened. Oneside-effect oftheflirtation withABC wasthatinlate1980Douglas was
flownouttoLosAngeles where,ona colossal dailyrate,earninghimmorein aweekthanhehadbeenpaidtowritetheseries,hehungabouttheproduc-
tionoffice doingverylittle.Thisgavehimanunfortunate appetite fordoing verylittleinCalifornia, aplacewheretherewards froma dealaresomindboggling thattheinvestment ofyearsofdoingverylittle(camouflaged, of course,asnetworking orcontractual foreplay) mayseemperversely rational. Butbackintherealworld,Douglashada BBCtelevision scripttowrite.Inhis books,he had beensolemaster.Therewereno imaginative or budgetary
constraints; ifhewanteda scenewitha million singing robotsortocrasha starship intoasun,hecoulddoso—several timesifhefancied. Suchfreedom doesnotapplytoavisualmedium. SoDouglas couldn't justadapttheradio scripts;hehadto re-imagine thewholeadventurevisually. Thereweresomedelicious bitsofinventionthatwerenotintheradioseries.Forinstance, thetravellers’ finalmealinMilliways, therestaurantatthe
endoftheuniverse (andincidentally thebiggest setevermadebytheBBC at thetime), features oneofhismostdisconcerting comic flights offancy, vizthe
Dishof the Day,a bovine,philosophical animalthat actuallywantsto be eaten.Douglashadoriginally writtenthissceneforKenCampbell’s theatrical
production, anditplayed sowellthathekeptit.TheDish,anoff-beat crea* Seehisinterview withNeilGaiman inDon’t Panic.
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ture,wasactedbyPeterDavison, thefifthDr.Whoandhusband ofSandra Dickinson whoplayed Trillian. Hewaskeentojoininforlessthanhisusual rate,performing anyrole,nomatterhowheavythedisguise(whichwasnecessaryfortheDr.Whoofficewouldnothavebeenamusedto seehimin an-
otherSFrole). During theproduction thecasthada lotoffun.Douglas wasbythen something ofanexpertonrestaurants andhehadjustdiscovered theGood Food Guide. Withcharacteristic extravagance, at thecloseoftheday’sfilming hewaswonttotakepeopleouttosomeamusingrestauranthehadfoundin theguide.Inhisconvertible GolfGti,withitsfrontseatspushedbackasfar
astheycouldgoandtherearpassengers squeezed likemidget contortionists intoa near-natal position, hewouldleada convoy. Ifitwaswarm,Douglas wouldhavethehooddownand,hisheadalmostabovetheroofline,he’d driveat fullspeedthroughthenightto thesoundofthecar’sspeciallyinstalledbowel-vibrating soundsystem. Incidentally, inthecourseofresearching thisbook,I interviewed Profes-
sorRichard Dawkins, notonly a greatfriendofDouglas’s butalsoaworldauthorityonevolution. Iaskedhimaboutthecreature thatyearned tobeeaten, andwhether suchathingcouldeverevolve. Afterall,I said,therearemany plantsthatreplicateby packaging theirseedsin fertilizer collected on their journeythroughthedigestive tractofsomething ingesting them.Couldsuch
amechanism applytoananimal? “Hmm,” saidtheProf, withthecaution ofa manwhohasbeentoooftencornered bynutters withpetnotions. “Itishard toseethereproductive advantages ofsucha strategy. Ontheotherhandit mightbe theoretically possibleto genetically engineera creaturethatlikes pain,thoughsucha projectwouldbe perverseintheextreme...”* Theidea of a creaturethat wants to be eaten is not prescientin the sameway as,say,
ArthurC.Clarke's prediction ofgeosynchronous communication satellites. Rather itisanotherexample ofDouglas onceagaintakingsomething soinvisiblyfamiliarto usthatwejustdon’tthinkaboutit—inthiscaseshoving heatedlumpsofdeadanimaldownanorificeinourfacesinordertoabsorb nutrition—and, bymeansofa comictrope,forcingusto doso.
FortheTVseries, theBBC appointed asproducer/director AlanJ.W.Bell, * However, thereisnowresearch underway ongrowing animal tissueintanksonacollagen substrateinsuitablegrowthmedium, perhapsforconsumption onlongspacejourneys. Chicken ina pot?See“Raising theSteaks”byWendy Wolfson, NewScientist, 21-28December 2002.
HIPPODUST, FILMSANDTHETELLYSAGA 193
alreadyanexperienced programme maker, trustedbythepowers-that-be, whohaddirectedthe delightful Ripping Yarns andthehugelypopularLastof theSummer Wine. AfterHitchhiker's, throughthe eightiesandninetieshewent onto produceanddirecta dozenmajorprojectsinfilmandTV,winningan
Emmy Award in1999 forLost forWords. AlanBellhadbeenapproached earlier aboutHitchhiker's. Hisfirstimpulse wastosaythatitcouldneverbetelevised because thespecial effects andthe largesetswouldbe prohibitively expensive. However, hewaspersuadedto takethejobbyJohnHowardDavis,theHeadofComedy, whodescribedthe
TVscriptasoneofthebesthehadeverseen. Onpaper,itcouldhavebeena goodmarriage between Douglas thevisionaryandAlanthepragmatist. Alas,rightfromthebeginning theyhad poorpersonalchemistry. Butgiventheinvestment, whichwasconsiderable, theBBCmusthavefeltitwasprudenttousesomeonewithTVexperience.
Tohiscredit, AlanBellintroduced anumber ofdetails thatwereboundto workbetterontelevision. Forinstance heputSimon Jones(Arthur Dent) into thatcomforting butpassion-killing Marks &Spencer dressing gownanddevisedthe air-carthat carriesSlartibartfast intothe planet-making factory. Douglashimselfmadea coupleofHitchcockian cameoappearances, onceas a drinkerin thepubbarto whichArthurandFordrepairbeforetheendof theworld,and,whentheoriginalactorwastakenill,asthemanwhotears
upthoseabsurdbitsofpapermoneyandwalksnakedouttosea.Thiswasa bravemoveforDouglas anditexplains whysomanyofthecrewwerebuyinghimdrinksthenightbefore.Itsaysa lotforhiswillingness to perform.It wasa Closed set,something whichinstantlyattractedtheattentionofevery-
bodywithina halfmileradius. Manylargemenwithapassion forfoodhave arseslikeawhiteblancmange inapolythene bag. Douglas hadthoughthardaboutthetechnology oftelly.Heunderstood thatitcouldbeexploited toproducesomething somuchmorethanthecameraactingasan eyein frontofa stage.Multipleimagescouldbe displayed, andmergeintoeachother,orshowseparatenarrativestrands,andjumpcut,
andcooperate withorcounterpoint thesoundtrack. Telly couldachieve what waslatertobecalledinthecomputer world“parallel processing.” Douglas wasonlysorrythatthehumanbrainhadnotyetevolved tothepointwhere such a richmixcouldbeinhaled inonego,buthebelieved that“there should be moregoingonthantheviewercantakein.”Suchplethoraofdetailgives athree-dimensional feelthatmakestheworldthuscreatedutterlybelievable.
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Justthinkhowmuchprocessing poweris devotedto the creatures—few of whomhaveanynarrativefunction—in the spacebar in StarWars.In short,
Douglas believed TVcouldofferunconventional techniques asnewwaysof telling a story. AlanBell,bycontrast,wasa professional whoexcelledat delivering the producton timeandto budget.Alreadythe firstpilothad beencostedat £120,000—four timesthe priceof a Dr.Whoepisode—an expenditurethat
JohnHoward Davis hadauthorized personally. ItwasnotAlan's roletoprovideanopportunity forclever youngOxbridge thingstoexplore thepossibilities oftellyasanexperimental medium. Besides, therewassimply notime forDouglasto feelhisway,withhesitations andreprises, towardssometelevisionfirst.Alan'staskwastogetthejobdone,andbeneathhisurbaneexteriorlay a grimlytenaciousgraspof the relevant.He succeededdespitea
work-to-rule bytheelectrician’s union,theETU, thatmeantthateveryday’s filming hadtostopnotonepicosecond after10p.m. HeandDouglasclashedimmediately. LaterDouglas, whorarelydisplayed personalanimus,would describeAlan as “a bone-headedwanker,”a judge-
mentthatfromtheperspective ofseveraldecadeson looksdeeplyunfair.A
tough,albeitoccasionally abrasive, pragmatist wouldbea betterdescription. Alanhimself hasnotgonepublic onthesubject ofDouglas. Thequality ofthe TVseriesin anycaseunderminesDouglas's grievanceaboutthe producer. Havingwatchedit againforthisbook,I founditstillfresh,funnyandjoyous. Beingessentially text-led,itwasprobably alittle toowordyfortelevision, but
thiswasthenatureofthebeast. Thesound, engineered byMike McCarthy, was tight,theactors appeared tohavefun,thescript waswitty, theeffects wereinventive.Thegraphics, asmanyhavepointedout,wereparticularly seductive. Twokindsofcultureclashwereapparentfromtheoutset:Alanwasnot ofthebomber-pilot generation ofproducers, butinBBCtermshewastheold
guard—not partoftheinfluxofCambridge smarties. Thetraditional radio/TV schism randeeptoo.Upstart radiopeopletellingexperienced tellypeople howtodotheirjobwasnotappealing, andAlancouldbea littleregal* Douglaswasina fineyoungraptureofsuccess. Itwasprobablydifficult totellhim anything. * When theserieswascompleted, Alanmadea speech congratulating allconcerned. Inoneof thosemock jocular asidesindicating somedeepfeeling thatetiquette obliges youtodisguise, he saidthateverybody washappy except theradioproducer—and thatdidn’t count.
HIPPODUST, FILMSANDTHETELLYSAGA 195
In theevent,DouglaswasneverhappywiththeTVserieswhichhe felt
lacked themagic oftheradio.Hepersisted inregarding theradioseriesasthe definitive version. Thereisa famous remarkoftenquotedinpublishing that thedifference between a bookand afilm isthatina bookthepictures are better.Douglasfeltsomethinganalogousaboutthedifference betweenradio and telly,thoughhe concededthat thereweresomebrilliantTVperfor-
mances. Douglas andAlanhadtheirfirstdisagreement overcasting. Douglas wantedtheradiocasttobetranslated totelly,butAlanfeltthatTVhadits ownimperatives andthata judiciouslookaroundwouldbe sensible. They compromised. Manyoftheoriginalcastdidcrossthebarrierandwerejustas brillianton TV.SimonJoneswas a shoe-in for ArthurDent;afterall,the role
waswrittenwithhiminmind.ButAlanfelthewantedsomebody unusual forFordPrefect andwenttoaudition. Muchanxiety andmanyactorslater,he foundDavidDixon, whounderstood thehumourofthewritingperfectly. Thisactorhas an intelligent, elfinfacethat conceivably couldhavehailed fromBetelgeuse andnotGuildford; to makehimstrangeryet,heworepur-
plecontact lenses. It’shardtoimagine FordPrefect nowasanybody else.Trillianwaswritten asthearchetypal English rose,butendedupbeingplayed by the fine Americancomicactress,SandraDickinson, in her own trilling transatlanticalto*DavidLearner,who had playedMarvinon stage,took the
parton again,thoughStephenMoorecontinuedto providethevoice.Slartibartfast, a partoriginally writtenwithJohnLeMesurierinmind,wasplayed
withexemplary, languidmenace byRichard Vernon, reprising hisoriginal radiorole. Moneywasanothersourceofdissension. Douglasabhorredthepapiermdaché bouldersandendlessrecycling ofthesamecorridorshotfromdifferent anglesto be foundin StarTrekalmostas muchashe hatedthewobbly
plastic setsinDr.Who. George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, andthegrand-daddy ofthemall,Stanley Kubrick in2001: ASpace Odyssey, hadshownhowitwas possibletovisualizeanalienworldinwhicheverything lookedsharp-edged * Serious buffsarereferred totheexcellent TheMaking ofTheHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy, available aspartofadouble DVD (andalsoonvideo) fromtheBBC. Douglas, withastupendous effort attactwritlargeonhisguileless features, remarks onthisDVD thathemight nothave doneSandraa favourwhenhedeclinedheroffertodoanEnglish accent.Shehasanexcellent
rangeofaccents. Hewas,ontheotherhand,thrilled withhercomic timing.
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andreal.Douglas, inthegripofhiscreative vision, knewthathedidnothave suchresources, butwithinthelimitshe desperately wantedhisworknotto looktacky.Theobstructions ofaccountants orcorporatefootworkartistswere
nothisproblem* Certainly ofallthepeopleontheset,Douglas himself was thehardest toplease. In fact,theweirdlandscapes wereremarkably goodforthe limited budget.AndrewHowe-Davis, the designer,madeinnovativeuse of glass painting(beautifullyexecutedby a Frenchman, JeanPeyre)in orderto squeezeinfinityontoa soundstageatEalingStudiosinWestLondon. TheplanetMagrathea,forinstance(thesiteofthe customizedworldman-
ufacturers, youwillrecall), hadtobesomewhere alienandbleak.Douglas fanciedIceland.Moroccowasalsoa possibility until,aftera recce,Alanwas warnedoffby a melancholy Japanesefilmcrewwhohad had alltheirkit confiscated in orderto keepthemin the country—spending money—for longer.TheBBCteamendedup inthestrangeoff-whitechinaclaypitsin St.
Austell, Cornwall (now,incidentally, thesiteofthewondrous EdenProject withitsgraceful biomes). Similarly, theprehistoric EarthwasfilmedintheLakeDistrict. Itwasbit-
terlycoldand the extrasin theiranimalskinswerechilledto the marrow. AubreyMorris,thecaptainoftheB~Ark withtheDouglas-sized appetitefor baths,wasfreezingdespitethe constanttopping-upof the bathwithhot
water. (Andrew Howe-Davis hadfoundthatthenearest sourceofwaterwas a papermill200metresaway, sokeeping thebathhotwasnoteasy.) Consciousofhisshouldersblotchedwithcold,heasked,ina voicefruitierthana bunchofgrapes,ifhe couldn'thavesomefake-suntanlotion.Butnonewas handy.BethPorter,a buxomactressplayingoneof the scantily-clad hair-
dressers destined toout-evolve theearlyhominids, toldhimnottoworryas theaudience wouldallbelooking atherboobs. DavidLearner, theactorinsideMarvin, alsosuffered forhisart.Ittook himsolongto getin andoutofhisandroidgearthatwhenitwasraining, andthecrewtookabreak,theywouldleavehimtherewithonlyanumbrella * Somesaythattheennobling natureofgreatartmeansthatitislikely tobeexecuted bydecent human beings, buttherearemanycounter-examples thatsuggest theopposite maybetrue. Youneeda certainself-regarding single-mindedness andindifference tootherstopursuean _ ideatothedeath.Douglasprovedanhonourable exception as hewas—mostofthetime—a sweetiepie.
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to stophimrustingsolidonthespot.Forobviousreasonsthepoormanhad
to becircumspect aboutaccepting cupsofteaorotherdrinkswithdiuretic properties. | Norweretheactors paida fortune. MarkWing-Davey, whoplayed Zaphod
Beeblebrox withstylishcool,worehissecondheadwithenormous panache. He thinkshemayhavebeencastbecauseofa hippyreputation lingering on from hisuniversity days,butDouglassaidthatit wasbecausehehadseenMarkin
The Glittering Prizes, Frederic Raphael's TVdrama. Thefakeheadwasheavy, uncomfortable, andradio-controlled bytheingenious technician, MikeKelt, who
hadmadeit.LaterMarkWing-Davey wasto discover thatithadcosttwiceas muchto makeashewaspaid(£3,000 istheoft-quotedfigure). Markrecalled thatbycontemporary standards“itwasn’ta greathead,”thoughitselectronic
innards hadappeared tosomeadmiration onTomorrows World, thegee-whizz BBC programme aboutnewtechnology. Whatever thevirtues orotherwise of thehead,fewofthefansminded—we alllikedtheeffort enough thatwewere
happytosuspenddisbelief. Douglas, ontheotherhand,wasmortified. Fortunately, he lovedthegraphics. Theseweretheingenious solutiontothe
problem ofconverting the narratorto television. PeterJonesastheBook
workeddeliciously ontheradio,butwhatwouldhehavebecomeonTV?An awkwardly protracted voice-over perhaps.Butinstead,a newdimension was added to the narrator'sdeliverythat, as on the radio,contrivedto be all the
morematter-of-fact as thecontentgrewincreasingly surreal.AsPeterspoke, thewordsappeared—glowing withhecticradioactive colour—one byoneon
thescreen. Atthesametime,elsewhere onthescreen, a graphic imageillustratedandamplified the wordswithtremendous visualflairand three-
dimensional movement* Theresultwasanintegrated feastforbotheyeandear. Thestoryofthegraphicsis oneofthoseserendipitous accidents. Kevin Davies,oneof thegraphicsteam,wasthena passionateyoungfanof Hitch-
hiker’s.' Bychance heoverheard thesoundofR2D2, theStarWars robot,emergingfromaneditingsuiteintheEaling Studios. Itmusthavebeenanodd * [havea softspotforthecreaturerepresenting theeditorat Megadodo Housefor,despitelooking
itiscalled Web Nixo. likeahairy alien polyp,
T Kevin Davies wasinfactmorethanafan.Notonlydidhistimely intrusion onAlanBellhelp get Pearce Studios thegraphics contract, butKevin produced thepropsfortheill-fated Rainbow Theatre showandhewasclosely involved inthecreation ofTheIllustrated Hitchhiker's Guide to theGalaxy. Healsoproduced anddirectedTheMaking oftheHitchhiker’s GuidetotheGalaxy.
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AlanBelltryingoutdifmoment.Unableto resist,he wentin anddiscovered KevinworkedforPearceStudios,an animation ferenteffectsforHitchhiker's. wassuchthathepersuaded houseinthe samebuilding,andhisenthusiasm Alanto meet the boss,RodLord,who in turn convincedAlanto allowthem
Asmanypeototenderforthejob.Thistheywononpriceaswellasquality. nocomputers irritation, suppressed plehavepointedout,withheroically
WhatPearce totheGalaxy. Guide wereharmedin themakingofTheHitchhiker's Itwascartoonanimationof Studiosdidhadnothingto dowithcomputers. wascreatedframebyframe,usinga movement sophistication: extraordinary
RodLordandhis acetates. drawnontransparent andimages camera rostrum Hitchhiker's forthe won t hey Award BAFTA 1981 t he teamwelldeserved graphics. AnothersourceofargumentbetweenDouglasandAlanwasthelaughter withthe track.Thisbattlehadbeenfoughtandwonalreadyin connection radio,but neverthelessfor TVit had to be put to the test again.TheBBCbe-
be it couldn't warmth; showlacked a comedy lievedthatwithoutlaughter but a studioaudience, athomemightlaughalongwith Theviewers funny. rooms. front of their theywouldnotlaughontheirowninthesolitude Douglasresistedthis artifice,but, despite his views,an audiencetrack was
addedusingthelaughterfroma speciallyorganizedshowingto committed
Theauwasnota sitcom. ButHitchhiker's FilmTheatre. SFfansattheNational tojokes at home theaudience cueing Crudely false. sounded diblemerriment bothendsofa needthatmuchhelpisa bitlikethrowing whichapparently Alandroppedthelaughtertrackafter ropeto a drowningman.Fortunately, TVFestival. anearlyshowingat theEdinburgh It is an ironythatDouglasandAlandidnotgeton better.Therewasso
Itbrokenewgroundcreatively. muchfortheviewertolikeintheTVseries. manymoreofthemwhohad andtheseriescreated Thefanswereecstatic onscreenwas ofthecharacters Theappearance missedtheradiobroadcasts. oftennot as the listener,or the reader,had imagined—butthat problemis in-
superablewith any transferfroma non-visualmediumto a visualone.
thathedid designer, effects) thefx(special toldJimFrancis, himself Douglas notseeMarvin thewayhewasonTV. likedittoo,thoughsomewereunkindaboutthe Byandlarge,thecritics fx.Butthisisto missthepoint.Ifthefxlooka bitclunkynowit isbecausewe wasjust Thattechnology imagery. havebeenspoiledby computer-generated
ZX81—hamstermicroandtheSinclair in theeraoftheBBC notavailable
HIPPODUST, FILMS AND THE TELLYSAGA 199
poweredby today’sstandards.Domesticcomputerscamewithallof4kof
ram,thoughfora fancypriceanenthusiast couldbuyanother16k.Mainframeswereforbusinessuse,andlivedin air-conditioned splendourbeing servicedbywhite-coated acolytes. Nowwehaveenoughprocessing powerto movemillionsofpixelssmoothlywithsoftwarethatcalculates theeffectof changinglightoneveryoneofthem.Backin 1980JimFrancisworkedwonderswithwhathehadtohand.Asitwas,theseriesconsumedsomuchofthe
fxbudgetthatthismayhavebeenpartlyresponsible forthedefection ofThe Goodies fromtheBBC toITVlaterintheyear* Besides,Hitchhikers was never about verisimilitude.CloseEncounters ofthe
ThirdKindneededthe mothershipto be aboutthe sizeof Pittsburghas it loomedoverthe Devil'sTowerbecausethe directorwastryingvisuallyto
bludgeon us intoawe.StarWarsneededteamsofacedesigners usingthe world’s largest network ofSunRISC-chip workstations tocreateasenseofrealitybecausethescriptsthemselves areassubtleasa carcrash.ButTheHitchhiker’s Guide totheGalaxy wasdifferent.It wasaboutwit,philosophical jokes andanunderpinning ofintellect. Youdon'tcareaboutZaphod’s palsiedsec-
ondhead;Douglas shouldnothavetormented himself. TheTVseriespulledin excellent ratingsandheightened Douglas's alreadyconsiderable profile. Nordiditdoanyharmtohisbooksales.Onlya
yearafterpublication, theoriginalHitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy hadsoldhalf a millioncopies.In 1980,TheRestaurant at theEndoftheUniverse had gone
straight intothechartsonbothsidesoftheAtlantic andinAugust 1982, Life, theUniverse andEverything didlikewise, sittingat numberoneintheSunday Times bestseller listforsevenweeksandfeaturing inthechartsforfifteen weeksaltogether. TheoriginalHitchhiker's hadsolda millioncopiesbytheend of 1983andwonDouglasa GoldenPanfromhis publishers. Thiswasthe fastestattainmentofthataccoladeinthehistoryofthecompany, andinJan-
uary1984, bywayofcelebration, Panthrew a stylish partyforDouglas inthe RoofGarden oftheformer BibastoreinKensington HighStreet. Despitetheimpressive TVratings,though,a secondserieswasnotcommissioned. Douglas’s feudingwithAlanmaywellhavecontributedto the BBC's hesitation. Thecostandcomplexity werealsocompelling factors;you
canimagine thembeingjudiciously invoked atmeetings inairless roomsin Television Centre. GiventhatAlanBellwasoneoftheBBC's trustedpro* TheHitchhiker's Guide.
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ducer/directors, theauraofvexation aroundtheproject cannothavehelped. Usually ifthereisadispute between thetalentandaproducer thesolution is to changetheproducerin thehopethatsomeonenewmighthavea better
personal rapport. ItisrarefortheBBC tobacktheproducer insuchwrangles. InthiscasetheBBCstuckbyAlanBell.Douglas hadwantedGeoffrey Perkinsto producethe secondseries,but the twoofthemtogether—with
Geoffrey producing andAlandirecting—was considered, probably forgood
reason,an unworkablecombination. Bywayofcompensation Geoffrey was offeredthejobofscripteditor.Hewasin NewZealandat thetime,touring
withthewonderful RadioActive comedy show, andheremembers beingsomewhatdrunkverylateonenightandhaving a crackly international telephone callaboutthisjobofferwithJohnHoward Davis, whowasenjoying hisearly afternooncupofBBCtea.Notsurprisingly—for heisnodope—Geoffrey declined(thoughittooka fewyearsfortheTVpeopleto forgivehim).Itwould
havebeenaclassic caseofresponsibility without power. “Ithought itwasthe mostthankless taskimaginable,” hesaid.Hehadexperienced theagonyof getting material outofDouglas already. Asitwasprettyobvious thatDouglasdidnotwantto workwithAlanagain,the prospectsforanotherseries were effectivelyterminated.In the end, saysEdVictor,the final decisionnot
to makea secondserieswasDouglas's.
Thefirstseries waseventually soldtotheStates andbroadcast inNovember1982. Itwasregarded asa dud.American TVdoesnotusethesameline standard asBritish TV(NTSC is525lineswhereas European PAL is625)sothe resolutionwasnot quiteas clear;consequently the Americancriticscomplainedthat the complexgraphicswerenot alwayslegible.It is tempting,
thoughprobably facile, toseeacultural difference here.Douglas likedthefact thattherewasmorehappening onthescreen thancouldbetakeninatonce. ButsomeAmericans mayhavefoundthatirritating. Theirsisa societyin whichentertainment is slickand digestible, consumedwholesale,in giant bites,likea cheeseburgerslaveredin relish.(Afewyearslater,however,Amer-
icaproducedsomeofthemostcompelling multi-stranded “tapestry” TVever
madeintheformofshowslikeERandWest Wing. Douglas wasamajorfanof both.)Certainly Simon Jones, whowentovertohelppromote theseriesinthe US,wassoonputonthedefensive, thoughhewasquick-witted enoughto turnapparentvicesintovirtues.TheAmericanscornaboutthetackinessof thefxwasparticularly embarrassing givenhowthesehadimpoverished the
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BBC,but,asSimonpointedout,the sophisticated viewerwouldunderstand
thattheseweremeanttobeartfully artless.
Itwasn'tuntiltheBBChaddefinitely decidedagainstthesecondseriesin November1981thatthesellingofthefilmrightsbeganinearnest.
Terry Jones, whohadco-written andco-directed Monty Python andtheHoly Grail andTheLife ofBrian sohe knewwhereof hespoke, wasthefirstin the frametosuggest thatheandDouglas makethefilmtogether. Theyhadal-
waysgotontremendously wellandTerry'speculiarimagination woulddefinitelyhavebeenrightforthejob.ButDouglaswasreluctant.Hehadseen Hitchhiker's throughalmosteveryincarnationknownto man(including the
towel) andhewasjusta bitoverdosed withrewriting it fordifferent media. Initially it wouldhavebeenfunastheyfoundexcuses forgettingdangerouslytwistedon realale(scriptconferences, naturally). However, Douglas
knewthatfewrelationships survivemakinga movietogether, a processmore potentin its abilityto inducediscordthan unwantedsexualadvancesor
stealing yourpal’slastfiver. Aftersometo-ingandfro-ing, TerryandDouglasagreedthattheywouldliketo makea filmtogether oneday,butthatit wouldbebettertostartfromscratch withanideainnocent ofhistory* MeanwhileDouglashad finallymovedto Islington,the districthe thoughtofashome.JonCanter,hisformerflatmate,and Douglasremained goodfriendsalthough,followinghis pattern,Douglassomewhatdisen-
gagedfromwhathadbeena veryclosefriendship whileheinvested new enthusiasm inotherpeople. Jonistoocivilized tosaywhether hefoundthis hurtful. ThroughthegoodofficesofHotblack Desiato(nottherockstarfromDisasterAreabuttherespectable Islingtonestateagent),Douglasboughta won-
derfullyloucheduplexflatnearthe RoyalAgricultural Hallin a tiny sidestreet, moreofanalley, calledSt.Alban’s Place. Thefirstfloor(thesecond
ifyou'reAmerican), reachedbya narrowflightofstairs,wasmostlyonelarge L-shapedroomgivenoverto partiesand pleasure.Therewasa bar well stockedwiththestickyingredients ofexoticcocktails and,always, champagne
inthefridge. Bedrooms, bathrooms withgiantantique fixtures (from thepre* Thenearest Douglas andTerry gottoamajor filmundertaking waswhenDouglas bought some ticketsforAbelGance’s Napoleon andpersuaded Terrytoaccompany him.Overfivehoursof
silentmovie struck themassuchanawful prospect thattheysimply hadtoseeit.
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vioustrendyowners), loosandsoonwereupstairs.Attheverytoptherewas
aroofgarden. Thewholeplacewasdistinctly flash.Douglas likedtoshowofftheTV mounted onawallbracket sothathecouldwatchitfromhisbed.Hewasa bigkidinsomanyways.Foran evocative description, youcandonobetter thanto readhisownin SoLong, andThanks forAlltheFish.Fenchurch’s place
(minus theTV)wasliftedfromreality. Although access wasfromSt.Alban’s Place, theapartment beetledout overanantique shopinUpperStreet, athoroughfare sopreposterously fashionable—in anartyBohemian sortofway—that itincludes roughly eighty restaurants,two theatres,seventeenestateagencies,ten purveyorsof stripped
pinefurniture(somedistressed), a mallofantiquesemporia,severaldesigner
clothesshops,twoshopsapparently sellingItalianwastepaper baskets, a dozenpubsandalmost nowhere tobuyatinofbeansorabottleofmilk. ItwasherethatDouglas conducted anintense loveaffair(ofwhichmore in the nextchapter)whichlastedabouta yearbeforebreakingup.Thisleft himlivingwiththe BlackDog,deeplydepressed. MaryAllen,histhespian friendfromCambridge, imagininghimrattlingaroundhishugeapartment
tryingdespairingly towriteand,knowing howbadlyhecopedonhisown, thoughthe neededa flatmate.Sheintroducedhimto JaneBelson, a tall,
good-looking barrister.
Janeisan articulatewoman(St.Pauls,Oxford,theTreasuryandtheLaw) whoseintelligence isoftherigorous, legalistic, linearkind(“ifAimpliesB,and BimpliesC,thensurelythe courtmustagreethatAimpliesC”).Shewasa
usefulfoiltoDouglas's lateralwayofthinking. Atthebarshespecialized in matters matrimonial. Allaspects ofthelaw(apartfromtheexistence ofthe lawitself) strikemeasnotlikelytoimprove yourviewofhumankind, but fightingdivorcesmustbe especially destructive ofsentimental illusion.Jane isa strongcharacter, thoughhersuperficial toughnessisbeliedby a certain
lookofvulnerability aroundtheeyes.Aftera whilesheandDouglas fellfor eachotherandgottogether—of whichagainmorelater—but inthecontext ofthefilmsaga,theimportant thingisthatinthesummer of1982 theywent on holidaytogetherto California, theheartlandofthefilmindustryandthe spiritualhomeoftheslacker. Theretheyrenteda housein Malibu.Thiswas
thefirstofmanyvisitsforthemboth.Douglas lovedit.Hehadlotsoffans there—especially inthegrowing techiecommunity—who werealways ready tomakeagratifying fussofhim.Hewasbecoming fascinated bycomputers
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andtheextraordinary feverpitchoftechnological innovationthatwascentredonSiliconValley, a description justcomingintocurrency.
Hisaffection foreverything American wasreciprocated. TheAmericans wereamused byhisextravagant mannerandhisrepertoire ofexcellent anecdotes.Herewasa wholecontinentthat hadn’theardhis storiesalready. Douglas'spassionfornewideasstrucka sympathetic chordwiththem,and hisvastrangeofinterestswasseenasadmirable. Inmorerigidsocieties like
Britain, excelling outsideyourappointed compartment sometimes excites envy.Being a polymath isbadform. There's anopenness aboutAmerican society thatDouglas relished. Allso-
cieties,theysay,havea classstructurebecauseoftheuniversality ofhuman natureburdenedwithallitsevolutionary baggage. Puttwohumanstogether andtheywillsortthemselves intoa hierarchy. Adda third,andthere’sroom
forschisms andfactions. Butat leastintheUSAthesystem isbasedmore uponmoneyandsuccess thanonantecedents. MaybeDouglas's milieuof cleverNorthLondon fashionables, eternally competing overtheirachieve-
ments,remindedhimofsomepainfullyoverduecontractual obligation (there alwayswasone),sotherewasan elementofflight.Whateverthereasonshe
lovedtheUSA ingeneral, NewYork a lot,andCalifornia hugely. Thereisa legend thatI havebeenunabletoverifythatDouglas evengot
to meetthepresidentof theUSA.In themid-eighties, whenmostof Douglas’sincomecame from the Statesand he was at the height of his fame,the
storygoesthata groupoffamousauthorswereinvitedtolunchwithRonald
Reagan. Itispossible thatDouglas heardthisfromoneoftheactualparticipants—for hemetmanyfellow writers onthepromocircuit—and enjoyed theanecdote. Ofcourseit isdodgypractice toinclude a yarnofsuchuncer-
tainprovenance, butthisone(hedgedwitha healthwarning)ishardtoresist andhasa ghastlyringofverisimilitude. Apparentlythiscollectionof writers(whichmay or maynot havein-
cludedDouglas) wenttotheWhiteHousefora reallylonglunch.Theydid theirbesttoentertain thepresident whowastwinkly andaffable. Afterlunch theymovedto thepoolroomandhadcoffee andtalkedsomemore.Then
they had afternoontea.PresidentReaganshowedno signof wantingto throwthemout.Surely,theythought,hemustbebusyasrulerofthewesternworld?Butitwentonandon.Fromtimetotime,menandwomenwould
appearwithimportant-looking piecesofpaperwhichthepresident would sign.Itgottobealittleembarrassing. Someofthemhadcommitments later
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thatday.Howdoyoutellthemostpowerful manintheworldthatyouhave another appointment? ButAmerica wasn’t alljustabouthavingfun.Onthisparticular holiday toCalifornia in 1982JohnLloydcameouttojointhem.HeandDouglaswere workingonTheMeaning ofLiffthecollection ofplacenamesforwhichtheyin-
sulkeda lot, Lloydie thatalthough Janerecalls meanings. ventedalternative a gazetteer taken hadsensibly They thebook. on work theydiddoa lotof withthem,andtheywentthroughitlookingoutlikelyplacenamesandwritingdownpossiblemeaningsoncards.Theresultisenduringly brilliant. Itwasalsoduringthisvisitto California thatDouglasmetMichaelGross
organ Thisirreverent Lampoon. ofNational members former andJoeMedjuck,
a lotofstereoandsportscarads,anda featuredsometrenchantjournalism,
surfeit ofsophomoric anatomy jokes. Itisoftendescribed astheUSPrivate Eye thoughinfeelandproductionvaluesitisquitedifferent. TheoldCambridge networkmighthaveplayeda parthere,foroneofDouglas's palsat univer-
sityhadbeenJimSiegelman; former member ofFootlights andalsopresident had derived. Lampoon fromwhichin 1969National Lampoon, oftheHarvard
Michael GrossandJoeMedjuck werethenworking forIvanReitman, a producer/director withColumbia Studios whohadmadesomesuccessful comedies (Animal House, forinstance, withJohnBelushi." Itwasthroughthese intermediaries thatIvanReitmanbecameinterestedinthefilmrights.Doug-
espeinhugenumbers, laswashot.Hisbookswereinthechartsandselling oftheUSfilm (Thedemographics market. college ciallytotheall-important market areskewed towards theyounger endofthepopulation. Therehasto
be somereasonwhyallthosePolice Academy filmsgetmade.) EdVictorlikesto sellfilmrightsforthesortofmoneythatmotivatesthe
purchaser toactually makethemovie. Thismeansthatthesaleislucrative onlybringsina fraction unlikeanoptionsalethattypically butpermanent, ofthemoney.” Edistooexperienced todiscuss thedetailsofa client's deal * Jimisanauthorandcommunications scholar.BecauseofJim’sresearchinterests,Douglas once
called hima“massacre expert.” ontheearlydaysof wasmodelled inthemovie character hasitthatBelushi’s legend + Apopular George W.Bush. coAnoption isashort-term arrangement whereby theoption holder buyscertain rights intheauthor’sintellectual property—in thiscase,film—for a sumthatisanadvanceagainst a largerfee. Thismoreseriousmoneyonlybecomespayableiftheoptionisexercisedbyputtingthework
HIPPODUST, FILMS AND THE TELLYSAGA 205
unlesstheyarealreadyinthepublicdomain. However, inhisfascinating book,TheGreatest Sci-Fi Movies Never Made(TitanBooks, 2001), DavidHughesde-
scribes thesumpaidforthefilmrightsastoolargeforevenZaphod Beeble-
broxto leavein a taxi.Atthetime,withroyaltiesalsorollingin frombook sales,DouglascouldeasilyaffordtorelocatetoCalifornia towritethescreen-
play—so hedid.Ofcourse, youdon'tactually havetobeinmovielandto writeascreenplay, butDouglas always likedbeingontheset,asitwere,and hethought thateasyaccess totherightpeoplewouldbeadvantageous. Inearly1983,heandJaneflewouttoCalifornia againandrenteda house in Coldwater Canyon,a pleasantdistrictofLosAngeleswitha famouspark. Hewasin heaven—tooling aboutin opencars,"buyingcomputers, having lunchand“working” onthemovie.Jane,ontheotherhand,foundthecom-
bination ofsun,orangejuice,thebeachandthewholeopen-weave lifestyle a bitstupefying. However, sheisnotthesortofpersontoletherbrainidlein neutralforlong.Realizing thatDouglashadfallenfortheWestCoastina big wayandthattheywouldspend a lotoftimethere,shedecidedto takethe
California barexams. Godforbidthatthemysteries oftheAmerican legal profession shouldbeimpugned byoutsiders, butJane'scrispverdict onthe exams was“asurprising amount ofmultiple choice questions. Youhavethese questionsto whichtherearefourpossibleanswers.Noneofthemis right. Oneofthemismerelylesswrongthantheothers.Allmyfriendsatthebar
toldmeIwasn'tallowed tofail.Theymade a terrible fussaboutit.Itreally wasn'tverydifficult.” Shequalified, butintheenddidnotpractise. Edtakesupthestory: I soldHitchhiker's fourtimes.Thefirsttimewasto DonTaffner andABC.ThenI soldthefilmrightsto ColumbiaforIvanReitman. intoproduction. Within theagreed timethepurchaser hasanexclusive lienontherights, and aftertheexpiry ofthattermtherights granted revert totheauthor again. Options arefrequently renewedandcanevolveintoa decentsourceofincome,butit’sultimately frustrating ifthework
isnotfilmed. Producers oftenhavea portfolio ofoptions, buttheychange theirminds asoftenas theirsocks. * Though hebelieved thatAmerican carsareonlyforgoing instraight linesandnotaround corners.InSoLong, andThanks forAlltheFish(PanBooks, 1984) hehasafantasy aboutthisin which heconcludes thatit’sbettertohireacarthat’salready headed intherightdirection than attempt tonegotiate anAmerican onearound a bend.
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Douglaswentout thereto reincarnatehimselfin Hollywood. He wasthrilled.Hehada parkingspacewithhisnameon it.
They[IvanReitman andteam]werein themiddleofmaking Ghostbusters andwerecompletely preoccupied withthat.Theyjust leftDouglas alone.Douglas turnedina 250-page script.Itwastoo long. Andthen it turnedout that IvanReitmandid not thinkthat forty-twowasa verygoodanswer.“It’sjustnota greatpunchline,” he said.“Whatdoesit mean?Willthe audienceget it?”He’snot
Sonny[Mehta]. Douglas knewhewasintroublethen. Anyway, theyplayedwithitandplayedwithit.Theybroughtin anotherwriterandtheytoldustheywereunhappy. Itwasamiser-
ableexperience. Variousotherpeoplealsoplayedaroundwithit. Theywouldbuyit andput it intoturnaround.DavidPuttnambe-
cameinvolved. JeffreyKatzenberg wasinterested. Atonepoint therewasanattempttobringthefilmtoDisney because Katzenberghad justgonethere.RememberRockyMortonand Annabel Jankel?TheydevelopedMaxHeadroom.* Theyweregoingto direct Hitchhiker's. Butthentheymadea filmforDisneywhichwasa re-
makeofa veryfamousfortieslovestorycalledDOA [deadonarrival]. Itcameout,andwasDOA. Soitopened, anditclosed—and Katzenberg pulledout. Douglaswasdreadfullyupsetthat the secondscreenplaydid the rounds withouthimhavingcontributed somuchasa commatoit.Itborehisname
andthatofthenewwriter, AbbieBernstein, who,inanattempt toorganize thematerial intoa moremovie-like pattern, hadcutitbrutally, takingout muchofthehumourintheprocess.Douglasabominated thisversionandit fuelledhis anxietyabouteverlosingcontrolofthe projectagain.Healso fearedthat the newscreenplay wouldblackenhis namewiththe movie
moguls. Infact,heneednothaveworried. Producers aresodeluged byatidal waveofmaterial thatinself-defence theyhavedeveloped theattention span ofafleawithanamphetamine sulphate habit.Besides, theytendtoremem-
bertheturkeysthatdogetmaderatherthanthemultitudethatdon't.
* MaxHeadroom—a wonderful cyberspace character whoappeared inhisownbizarre andanarchicTVseriesinthemid-eighties.
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Muchmoredamaging tothemovie's prospects wasDouglas’s desireto havemorecreative control thanHollywood normally grantstotyros.Inthis toughtown,thepower-brokers areexquisitely alerttoanyforeigner, Britor otherwise,who arriveswiththis attitude:“I’munspeakablytalented,and available—now pleasegiveme$100millionandI'llshowyouhowit’sdone.” Douglaswasneverguiltyofthatparticularsin,buthisprotectiveness towards
hisvisioncouldeasily havebeenmisconstrued. The Hitchhiker's Guide totheGalaxy isabookthatborders onbeingintractably difficult toturnintoafilm,especially aHollywood film.Theinvestment isso
greatthatitwouldbeafoolhardy producerwhojettisoned thewell-tried storytellingstructures. Havingbeenwrittenin episodes, Hitchhiker's remainsstub-
bornlyandindefatigably episodic. Itjustdoesnothavewhatthescriptwriting guru,RobertMcKee, callsa narrativearc.There'snoexposition, thebuild-up
meanders discontinuously, theclimax isatthebeginning forGod’s sake,and theresolution, albeitfunny,isbleak.Toworkasafilm,thewholebookwould havetoberadicallyrestructured, butwithoutlosingitsessentialhumourand the ferro-concrete underpinnings providedby itsideas.Ofcourse,Douglas
understood this,andhisscreenwriting craftimproved witheveryiteration. Butthelesson wasnonetheless slowandpainful. OnebonusofbeinginHollywood wasanotherterrificfriendship. Richard Curtis,nowfamousforFourWeddings anda Funeral andNotting Hillamongst othergoodies,hadbeenimportedto California likesomeamusingvarietyof
British grapethatHollywood hopedwouldgraftonto localvines.How thingsstarted withhimandDouglas isitselfmovie-like. Richard reminisces: Themostinterestingsectionofour relationshipwasthe beginning.I thinkI probablypaledintoa prettyordinaryfriendthere-
after,although | didlikehim a lot.Butmyfirstmeeting withhim wasabsolutely extraordinary, because I wasinLosAngeles, having a veryhardtime—well, nothardcompared tosomeone inPeru— becauseI waswritinga filmwhichI didn’treallyunderstandandI wasawayfromhome,which I findverydifficult.
Whathappened wasImetanAmerican producer whocameup with an ideaand commissioned me to writeit. I wroteit, but it
wasn'tanideaI reallybelieved ininmyheart.EversincethenI've alwayswrittenideasthat I'vealreadyhad for fiveyears.FinallyI wrotea draft.Hesaidtherewasa funnysceneto do withslippers,
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and as for the rest—well, you couldsee therewas a glimmerof somethingin it.Sohe flewmeoverto Americato livein hishouse, workwiththe directorandwriteit.I didn’tknowthe director,and
I'velearnedtobeveryfussyaboutsuchthingsthesedays.I don’t thinkhebelieved inmyscriptatall.Hewasjustinterested inthe possibility thatit mightturnintoa scriptheloved.Theproducer
wasa perfectlylovelyman,but,youknow,livingwitha personyou areworkingforisa bitodd.AfterthreeweeksI kindofcrackedand rangDouglas’snumber,whichI'd been givenby JohnLloyd,be-
causeeventhoughI'dbeenfriends witha lotofpeoplefromCambridge, I'dnevermetDouglas. Andthe long and short of the tale is that we went out for lunch—andI lefttwomonthslater. Wewentto lunch,andtalkeduntilhalfpastfour.Atthe endof lunchhe said,“Comeon backto the house.”Thenwe had dinner
andJaneturnedup.She’dbeenstudyingforherlawexams.He said—or shesaid—“Why don'tyoustaythenight?” Thenextmorningtheyboth said:“It’sridiculousifyou’refindingit trickyliving withyouremployer,whydon’tyou continueto stayhere?”AndI stayedtherea long,longtime.That’sa remarkabledegreeof exu-
beranthospitality, to takesomeonefromtotalstrangerto the longesthouseguestyou'deverhadwithnointermediate phase. Richardisasentertaining andclevera guestasanyonecouldwishfor;Douglascouldhaveadvertised forhim.It musthavebeenblissfulnotwritingon
thegrounds thatyou'regallantly rescuing a compatriot fromtheclaustrophobicembarrassment oflivingwithhisemployer. Theyhadalotoffuntogether, thoughRichard wincesattherecollection ofDouglas lurching into oneencounterwiththefinesseofanarmylorry...
StayingwithDouglaswasa wonderfulwayof learningabout
America. Wewentbowlingtogether; wewentto themoviestogether. Onething| particularly recall—which wouldonlybeoneof a stringofthings—was thatI tookhimoutto dinnerwiththedirectorIhadbeenworkingwith.Itwasa bitliketheoldgirlfriendmeet-
ingthenewgirlfriend. Michael ***cameinandI misphrased my openingremark,soinsteadofsaying“Douglas, thisisMichael **
HIPPODUST, FILMS AND THE TELLYSAGA 209
whomadeQuest forFire,” I said:“Douglas, doyourememberQuest for Fire?” AndbeforeI couldinterject,he said:“OhGod,that wasan
awful film.Iabsolutely hatedthatfilm.Themake-up wassounconvincing.Theanthropology wasrubbish.Whocouldpossiblybelieve thatmenwouldbelikethatatthattime?Whata ridiculouswasteit all was...” What's more, he didn’t back off with much embarrassment when I told him who Michaelwas,and it certainlydidn't, as it
were,stophisflow. Eventually itbecameclearthatIvanReitman wasnottherightmanforHitchhiker's. Withthespuriousinsightofretrospect it seemslikea mismatchin all respects.ThebroadcomedyofNational Lampoon andGhostbusters isperfectly
fine:it’sfullofenergy, slapstick andinnuendo thatappealtomillions. Butit’s milesawayfromthesurrealcerebral wittiness ofHitchhiker's. Thefilmrights werereturnedtoColumbia wheretheylanguished, possiblyindevelopment hell,ormaybeforgottenhalfto death. Thenextdealwasa tributeto theroleofinadvertence in humanaffairs
andtoDouglas's talentforfriendship. Itrevolved aroundthealliance that sprangupbetween Douglas andMichael “Nez” Nesmith—TV andfilmproducerandformer Monkee.
ThoseofyouwhorememberthatRingoStarrwasoncein a popgroup beforehe becamethe narratorofThomas theTankEngine willalsoknowthe
Monkees (“Hey, Hey,we'retheMonkees!")—the rockbandandstarsofthe 1966 TVseriesproduced byBobRafelson andBertSchneider. People tendeithertolikeorloathetheMonkees—and formuchthesamereason: theywere utterlymanufactured, whichwassickening ifyoubelievedthatthemusicwas aboutsocialchangeandnotjustTin-PanAlley(thiswasthesixties). Onthe
otherhand,theMonkees wereutterly manufactured byprofessionals whoknew whattheyweredoing. Usingaformatloosely basedontheBeatles’ movie A Hard Day's Night, eachepisode followed thehigh-spirited adventures ofarock groupplayedbyfourengaging youngactors.Itwasabrilliantpieceofmultimediamarketing. Somewhere inMonkeehistorythebalanceshiftedfroma sitcomabouta
bandtoasortofsemi-real bandusingTVforpromotion. Asrock'n'roll went, theywerewholesome ratherthandangerous. Commercially, theywerehuge. ThefouractorswereMickyDolenz (thewild-looking drummer), Peter
Tork(thefunnyonewiththeboy-next-door phizzog), DavyJones(thecute,
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jockey-sized Britwhoalways gotthegirl),andMichael (“Nez”) Nesmith, the coolTexanwiththegreenbeaniehatandthedrysmile. Nezhasaninteresting background. Hismother,BetteGraham, workedas
a secretary. Shewasstruggling tofendforyoungMichael andherself when shehada brightidea.Wouldn't itbeneat,shethought, ifyoucouldfixall thoseinfuriating typingerrorsthatobligethepernickety (orthoseworking forthem)to starta documentalloveragain?(Thiswasdecadesbeforeword processing.) SheinventedLiquidPaperinherkitchenandit quicklybecame essentialforofficesallovertheworld.Thefamilyfortuneswereemphatically
made. InhiscareeraftertheMonkees, Nezamongotherthingsiscredited with beingoneofthefounders ofMTV. Heisadelightful manwithastreakoffan-
tasyin hisimagination thatlentwingsto hismagicalrealistnovel,TheLong Sandy HairofNeftoon Zamora. (Douglas gaveit a generousquote:“Itrisesinthe
imagination likeafantastical building inthedesert.”) LikeDouglas, Nezisinterestedin unconventional thinking. Fromtimeto time,usingtheGihon Foundation (founded byhismotheranddedicated toproductive innovation), heorganizes theCouncilofIdeasinwhichcreativepeoplefromdifferent disciplinescancometogetherfortrulyblueskyspeculation. EdVictorpicksupthestory:
Iwenttoadinnerpartyonenightatmylawyer's home.Michael Nesmith wasthere,andImentioned thatIrepresented Douglas and that the filmrightswere free.Michaelturned out to be a fan,and he
andItalkedaboutdoingajointventurewithDouglas. Douglaswent outto Michael'sranchin SantaFe.Theygotalongfamously, really
likedeachother.Douglas wasconvinced thatMichael wouldhelp himmakethefilmandthatitwasgoingtobea hugehigh-rolling thingto do.Butfirstwe’dgotto getthe rightsbackfromColumbia...
Bynowitwas1992, andnearlyadecade hadwhizzed pastwithout themovie getting anyfurther. ButDouglas wasconfident thatthenextdealwasimminent,so,withEd’shelp,he boughtthefilmrightsbackfromColumbiafor $350,000. Nothavingthatmuchin cash,hehadto raidhispensionfund.As a generalrule,authorspreferreceiving largechequestowritingthem,andit
waspainful tostumpupthemoneyforrightsthatwerepassively marinad-
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inginsomestudio’sinventoryofintellectual property. Itsaysalotforhisam-
bitiontomakethismovie. Douglas wentouttoSantaFe,statecapital ofNewMexico, andstayedon Nez’s ranchtowritethescreenplay forthemoviethatMichael wouldproduce.JamesCameron,no less,was one ofthe directorswho wassaidto be in-
terested.NezandDouglasdiscovered thattheylaughedincessantly together and had in common a sidewaysview of the world. Jane thinks that Nez,
who’sakindlymanandverygrounded, wastosomeextentoneofDouglas's fathersurrogates.) SantaFeappealedto Douglas.It’ssunnyand affluent,and the altitude andthesurrounding desertlendthelighta mysterious quality.Thetownisa mixofthehard-boiledandthedreamy.TheSantaFeInstitute(homeofMur-
rayGell-Mann, amongst others) contains someofthebrightest brainsonthe planet.Inthebarsyoumightfindyourself sandwiched betweena Nobel Prize-winner anda mysticlocalfruitcake. Douglasfondlycarrieda memento ofhistimethereintheformofa largeNativeAmerican silverbraceletwhich heworeallthetime.“It’ssoheavy,” hetoldJane,“thatwhenItakeitoffitfeels
asifmyarmshouldfloatuptotheceiling.” Oneevening ontheranch,attheendofanexhausting day(fortherehad been a meetingof the Councilof Ideas),Nezand Douglaswere sittingon the
verandalookingatthesunputtingonitsdailyspectacular when,aproposof nothingin particular, Douglassaid:“YouknowwhenI wasyoung| didn’t
knowwhatI woulddo.ThenonedayI sawthiscartoon. Itshowedmea wholenewwayofthinking aboutcomedy. UptillthenI confused comedy withsarcasm. Sarcasm isOxbridge’s biggest export, youknow.” “That'sstrange,” saidNez,“because whenIwasa kidIsawaweirdcartoon aswellthatIjustloved.ItmighthavebeenintheNewYorker. I'vebeentrying to findit eversince.I'veneverforgottenit.Therewerethesetwohippos...”
Atthispointmuchhead-slapping andcriesof“stone me”ensued, forthey realized thattheyhadbothbeeninspired bythesamecartoon* Atjustthe * Thecartoonwasbya BritwhosenomdeplumewasPaulCrum.HisrealnamewasRogerPetti-
ward.Hewas6’5%”, andhediedwithlotsofbraveCanadians during thedisastrous commando raidonDieppe inWorld WarTwo. Thecartoon wasfirstpublished inPunch andthenrepublished intheNewYorker. Inthehistory ofthegenre, Crum isimportant asheprefigures bydecades the kindofhumour foundintheGoon Show orMonty Python. | amindebted forthisinformation to Dr.MarkBryantwhoseencyclopaedic knowledge ofcartoonsissecondtonone.
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