The Girl Guide: Finding Your Place in a Mixed-Up World [1 ed.] 9781618210272

Table of contents :
Cover
Half Title
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Table of Contents
Acknowledgements
Introduction
Part I: The Journey Begins
Chapter 1. It's My Life
Chapter 2. Tools . . . Not Rules
Chapter 3. Starting the Journey
Part II: It's All About Connections
Chapter 4. The Social Game
Chapter 5. Team Me
Chapter 6. Social Acceptance 101
Part III: "I Think I Can"—The Power of Belief
Chapter 7. The Confidence Key
Chapter 8. The Art of Plan B
Chapter 9. Half-Full or Half-Empty: The Power of Perspective
Part IV: Finding Emotional Balance
Chapter 10. Understanding Emotional Sensitivity
Chapter 11. Emotional Overload
Chapter 12. Finding Balance
Part V: Putting It All Into Practice
Chapter 13. Bouncing Back From Bullying
Chapter 14. Underperformance, Perfectionism, and Other Academic Mysteries
Chapter 15. Millennials—Living in a Digital Age
Chapter 16. The Mother-Daughter Connection
Chapter 17. Developing Your Creative Self
Final Thoughts
Recommended Resources
References
About the Author
About the Contributors

Citation preview

The Girl Guide

Dow nlo ad a bonus cha pte r of The Girl Guide at htt p ://w ww .ro utle dge .co m/ ass ets /clie ntp age s/p dfs l The_ Girl_Guide_Bonus_C hap ter. pdf

Christine Fonseca

I~ ~~o~~~~~~ioup NEW YORK AND LON DO N

First published in 2013 by Prufrock Press Inc. 10017 NY York, New Avenue, Third 605
Routledge by 2021 Published

2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN

Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business Copyright © 2013 by Taylor & Francis Group Cover and layout design by Raquel Trevino photocopying including reproduced or invented, reprinted be may book this of part mechanical, hereafter No electronic, by form any known permission publishers. the from reserved. in now information without system, rights means, retrieval writing All utilised other recording, and storage

trademarks be may names infringe. to corporate or trademarks, identification for intent Product Notice:
registered only used are without explanation and

ISBN 13: 978-1-6182-1027-2

(pbk)

DOI: 10.4324/9781003238799

Dedication Dedicated

to my

there

Fabiana and Erika, for reminding me that limits to what we can dream or become.

girls,

are no

Table of Contents ix

Acknowledgements Introduction 1 Part I:

The Journey Begins 5 Chapter 1. It's My Life Not Rules 21 Chapter 2. Tools Chapter 3. Starting the Journey .

Part II:

.

7

.

It's All About Connections

31 43

Chapter 4. The Social Game

45

Chapter 5. Team Me

57

Chapter 6.

69

Social Acceptance 101

Part III: "I Think I Can"—The Power of Belief

Chapter 7. The Confidence Key Chapter 8. The Art of Plan B Chapter 9. Half-Full or Half-Empty: of Perspective Part IV:

Finding Emotional Balance

83 85 97

The Power 107 119

Chapter 10. Understanding Emotional Sensitivity Chapter 11. Emotional Overload Chapter 12. Finding Balance Part V:

Final

153 Putting It All Into Practice 13. Back From Chapter Bouncing Bullying Chapter 14. Underperformance, Perfectionism, and Other Academic Mysteries Chapter 15. Millennials—Living in a Digital Age Chapter 16. The Mother-Daughter Connection Chapter 17. Developing Your Creative Self

Thoughts

Recommended Resources

121 133 143

155

165 179 193 207 215 217

References

219

About the Author

221

Ahoutthe Contributors

223

Acknowledgements

a parent of two girls, I am always looking for ways them become strong, independent women. This book

Being

help

to

afforded opportunity only something specifically to not

me an

them, but

connect

write

for

with other amazing and

dynamic young women

and bring their stories forward as continued sources of inspiration. said, this book was not created without the help of an entire

That

team of

amazing people.

First, this book would never have been written without the daily support and inspiration from my husband, Dirck, and my

girls,

Fabiana and Erika. Not

running

only

did

every time I went away to my

they keep

writing

the household

cave,

but

supplied a constant source of courage and inspiration

to

they also bring this

book to life. Next, I couldn't have shaped the ideas and the book without the encouragement and guidance of my editor, Lacy Compton. She has been a never-ending sea of support, and I am so blessed to have her in my life. The team at Prufrock Press gave substance to my ideas and helped me create something amazing.

My writing partner, Michelle McLean, an inspirational woman own right, helped point out the flaws and push me to dig

in her

deeper and go bigger.

The Girl Guide

There

were so

many

amazing girls and

of themselves to make this book

piece

more

women

than

a

who shared

few words

page. Thanks to all of you, the pages of this book have in

a

come

a

on a

to

life

way that inspires. In particular, thank you to Jessi Kirby, Melodye Shore, Elle Home, Heather McCorkle, Abby Mohaupt, Mona

Chicks, Rebekah Graham, S. R. Johannes, Stasia Ward Kehoe, Paula Earl, Erin Hastedt, B. E. Sanderson, Lisa Rivero, Gretchen McNeil, and Jen Merrill—your Note to Self contributions are so very

special. So many parents and kids contributed to this book

letters, interviews, Skype sessions,

through

focus groups, and

conversations. than and people More

participated

300

in

from 30 states

way. I

humbled

five countries

by your willingness

to

share your stories and thoughts. You are all amazing tributes what it means to be resilient and strong.

to

some

am so

My writing wouldn't be anything without the readers, bloggers, and online community that has welcomed me into the fold and shared themselves with

me.

Thank you for

allowing me to

continue the kinds stories, books, and articles bring to

of

you

I want

to write. a

special

thank you

the

inspirational Tumilty, and my mom, Judi Warren. Although you are both no longer present in my world, you are part of my daily thoughts and prayers. I see you in the faces of my children and the strength in their eyes. From you both, I learned what it means to be a strong, powerful woman. I learned never to buy into the stigma and stereotypes of women in our And I learned that my only limits come from me. I owe you Finally,

women

to

two most

in my life—my grandmother, Maria

culture. more

than you will

ever

know. —Christine Fonseca

Introduction Gabby Douglas, Kyla Ross, Adzo Kpossi, Missy Franklin— what do these amazing athletes of the 2012 Olympics have in They are all girls 17 and under. Together with lesser known

common?

they have redefined the image of young, strong, and girls for generations to come. Each one of them has learned set goals, overcome adversity, and focus on their dreams.

teens,

accomplished to

Which is where this book More than

comes

in.

book about growing up strong, The Girl Guide: Finding Your Place in a Mixed Up World is all about finding your own

unique place

a

in the

world,

Now, I know that life

your authentic voice. can

everyone to act a certain way,

be hard. There fill

a

are

expectations

certain role. There

from

are even

expectations listening about

Sometimes there

not

to

those who tell you how

to act.

things that happen that send your life out of control, things you can't foresee. Sometimes you make bad choices that lead to horrible consequences, throwing you are

spiraling

completely out of

balance. And sometimes it feels like all of the dreams

you had when you

were a

young child

move

out of

reach

as

you get

older.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003238799-1

The Girl Guide

Maybe you

feel like you have

act a certain way

just

you have to "buck the

to fit in

with

to secure your future.

system"

a

certain group and

And

maybe

because that's what it

you think

means

to

be

strong. Guess what?

Strength and resiliency are actually something They're about making your own definition of your life. They're about exploring your options, developing your talents, and not allowing the various barriers life may throw your way stop you from achieving your dreams. And they're also about allowing those dreams to morph and change just as you grow and develop. My hope for you as you read this book is that you begin to hear and listen to the voice deep inside—the one that holds your authentic self. The one that is already confident and secure. In the following pages you'll read stories and strategies for cultivating your own unique self. You'll read about girls who have overcome the odds and achieved more than was expected. You'll get strategies and projects that will help you discover your own different.

unique

voice in this crazy,

noisy world!

PeStoaurrskontieyagl your Jon This book

was

designed to be

used

as a

guide, a workbook, and

inspiration. Each part starts with an introduction and short quiz. Take the quizzes often, as your answers will change

a source

over

of

time. Each

chapter

contains

a

What Would You Do? scenario

that brings the concepts into the real world, and a Note to Self that shares some advice from other strong young women and

section successful adults who have found their unique voices.

Introduction

chapters include quotes from other teens, tools (not rules) to help guide you on your quest, and activities to help you redefine normal for yourself. My hope is that you will use this book as you need it—and use Additionally,

the

it often.

you May Need

Things

quizzes, and worksheets throughout the book completed in many ways. They can be done in the book if you'd like. One particularly helpful tool is a journal. These can be the little journals you use for school or something bigger. You can do the activities and worksheets in the journal so you can create your own personal memoir of this journey toward your authentic The activities,

can

be

self. Other useful items include index cards, glue sticks, pictures, colored pencils or pens, and anything else you can use with the various activities to make them your

own.

You

can even

take the

activities into the

digital age, using Photoshop, Pinterest, Glogvideo ster, software, and more. Remember, this journey is all about you—so be as creative as you want to be.

Adding your If you find this book

helpful to

Voice

you and want to offer up your

tools for other young women, please do! I'm always story to looking bring more advice, tools, and inspiration to girls just like own

or

you. Just e-mail

me

at

your stories. It's

one

of the best ways to

christine@ christinefonseca.com and share ,

give back

to

others.

A Word

to Parents

challenging job—and growing up strong and resilient in today's fast-paced and turbulent world can be even more challenging. That's where this book comes in. Packed with quotes, stories, and life tools, The Girl Guide: Finding Your Place in a Mixed-Up World is designed to help girls find their own unique Growing

voice in

our

up is

a

chaotic and often noisy world. on the principles of resiliency,

The Girl Guide focuses

social acceptance,

self-efficacy,

including

and emotional balance.

provides Additionally, specific strategies and tools

it

common

staying the

for

some

of the

more

facing girls today, including relational aggression, online, school performance, social adjustment, and

issues

safe

mother-daughter connection. Use this book to address various

concerns as

they come up.

Or

read it first and then share it with your girls. Either way, be sure talk about the information and advice with your teens. Use the

to

ideas

as a

springboard to open the lines of communication. And if particularly helpful, shoot me a note and let

you find something me know.

I wish you much

success

in

being the

coach your

they progress through their years and embrace to

be strong young women.

girls need as everything it means

Journey The 1 Part

Understanding how to develop your authentic self begins with understanding who you are in the first place. The upcoming discuss how to discover what it means to be "you," including your strengths and difficulties. The worksheets and quizzes give you the tools to discover your strengths and opportunities for growth, establish goals, and develop healthy lifestyle choices that can put you on a path toward your dreams. The chapters also begin to delve into the concept of resiliency. Defined by Merriam-Webster as "the ability to recover or adjust to change," the attributes of resiliency can make the difference falling short of your goals and learning to pick yourself up and push through the hard times. Before we begin the journey toward your authentic selves, I've a got little quiz to get you thinking about your own authenticity. Answer the five true/false questions before reading through this

chapters

between

section.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003238799-2

#1 Quiz Guide Girl The

Begins My Journey 1.

I know how set and measurable. ❑

goals

Responsible

that are

True

❑

False

important to be myself 2. I think it is more to have a lot of friends. ❑ False ❑ True than

3. I

habits healthy most practice and

enough getting like

days.

eating properly

sleep

❑

True

❑

False

importanceof 4. I understand the being relaxed ❑

❑

False

of good the areas I need to

5. I have as

True sense

a

❑

True

exercising and

❑

my

strengths,as well

improve

False

feel a little retake the quiz anytime you Come back and and tools revisit the activities from yourself. Then skills. to refine your in the chapters, just

disconnected presented

Life My It's 1 Chapter

The best advice I've

ever

received? Be yourself.

If someone else doesn't like it, that's on them. You are.

just worry about being true to who —Maya, age 16

you

Every journey begins with a map and supplies, including an inner journey. And you can't create a map until you know where you

are

right

now

and where you would like to go. Over the next to learn how to determine where you

several pages, you are going are and begin to make your

list of what you may need on the journey toward your authentic self. But first, let's start with a little scenario.

supply

DOI: 10.4324/9781003238799-3

The Girl Guide

What Would You Do? other

plate—school, sports and while

extracurricular You have

a

lot

on

your

your parents of your little sisters activities, taking care and always feel You're tired, stressed, work. It's a lot of responsibility. off a cold. like vou are fighting really want of this grueling schedule, you months After several load a little bit. But about lightening your parents with your to talk sound like Nor do you want to want to disappoint anyone. don't you them. and a burden to it how you feel? Suck up What do you do? Tell your parents how you feel? Let yourself schedule, regardless of needs? Just just deal with your health communicate your and have your physical sick get without telling anyone? drop out of things would do to navigate write down what you Take a moment and this challenging situation.

through

It's

My

Life

Who Am I? As I mentioned at the

beginning of this chapter, starting on a new journey begins with a map. And the only way to create a map is to

know both where you

than done

It's hard you You

can

are

and where you

want to go. Easier

said

at times. to

look into

can use

understand who you are at your core. Sure, mirror and make judgments about your looks.

really a

words like tall

or

short, blond

or

brunette, lean

or

describe what you look like. But these heavy, involve only your physical attributes, not the essence of "you" ways to

as

descriptions inside.

Now, I'm not saying that physical form isn't important. I would be lying if I told you that human beings don't make

judgments physical

about you based on attributes. And there are a lot of books and magazines that address the latest fashion and beauty

trends. But

not

this book.

This book is about

going deeper, beyond

the

physical

descriptions we

may

for ourselves and into the inner attributes that

use

shape how we act and the

decisions

It has to do with the you

on

we

make.

the inside.

How do you get to know her? How do you discover that

authentic self and make place her the world? the for

a

questions

we

will

in

explore in this book. taking stock of some

It starts with

Those

of the

are

personality

attributes Things enjoy school, like whether or not you you may have. the types of friends you enjoy, and your hobbies. Take a look at the Who Am I? worksheet and work through the various attributes

listed, indicating which

ones

describe you and which

ones

do

not.

Girl WorThe #1 ksheet

Guide

and Read each

Directions: Takea moment indicating you agreeor disagree.

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