35 Simple Steps to a Healthier Relationship: A Therapist’s guide to improving communication and achieving your relationship goals 9798504897578

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35 Simple Steps to a Healthier Relationship A Therapist’s guide to improving communication and achieving your relationship goals

RHP Copyright © 2021 RHP All rights reserved. ISBN: 9798504897578

DEDICATION My two favorite relationships; my Husband and our son.

CONTENTS

Introduction

1

1 Conflict Resolution

3

2 Communication

14

3 Triggers & Trauma

27

4 Effort & Investment

31

5 Small Techniques with a Big Impact 55 6 What Not to Do

72

7 Sources & Acknowledgements

84

INTRODUCTION Thank you for choosing my book, and for trusting me to guide you. My goal when writing this book is to have your relationship improve in the healthiest and happiest way. As a Therapist, I have clinical experience with many couples who were struggling to get closer and wanting to fix their unhealthy habits in their relationship. Relationships, when healthy, are a source and foundation of love, understanding, and strength. But it’s not uncommon to let ourselves go in our relationship, or to let struggles and arguments get in the way of our happiness. Relationships are not meant to be perfect, and we are not striving for perfection, but progress. If I can humbly ask you for a review of this book when you feel ready, then it would not only help me in future follow up books, but also helps

others find this book. Thank you.

Pick a book, get it for FREE, and be signed up on our email list!

Likewise, above you will see both the catalog of books from me and my husband. If any of them strikes your fancy, then all you need to do is write an email to [email protected] with proof of purchase of this book, and then we will send you the FREE download link with the book you find interesting. Then you also get an email when each of us releases a new book, so you are the first to know. Don’t worry, we do not spam - I loathe spam emails myself. This book demonstrates 35 habits, backed by research and psychology, that you can apply in order to set you and your partner on the right track, and

to move forward as both healthy individuals and as a healthy couple. These habits will prove that small, simple steps can lead to big results and positive change when you mindfully nurture your bond with your partner. Each topic is neatly written in separate chapters, so you can focus on one area at a time. Let’s get started!

1 CONFLICT RESOLUTION Work through issues together, both admitting fault, and move on Consider getting help together, whether that be from a life coach or a Therapist. If the money coffers are running low, then confiding in family and friends has its benefits. Since if you are close with your sister, best friend, grandmother, or dad, then they will provide an ear to your problems. And provide an alternative perspective to your situation. They may even suggest a perspective that both of you haven’t considered. However, this can lead to both of you being back-handed branded as “that annoying couple that always complains.” Even in worse cases this can build up resentment and end with that your issues are not only not helped but your relationship with whatever family member or friend you confided in, is now worse because all you do to them now is complain. Additionally, expressing solely your frustrations to your loved ones will only cause them to dislike your partner, and this can create new problems. Since your family will always take your side of things. The key here is not to create trench warfare – but to get a healthier relationship. A relationship takes two to work, and both you and your partner should have the desire to want to improve things together. This aspect of “it takes two to tango” is one of the more important tips that this book will offer you. Yes, it seems like a standard advice – so many know this, but not many practice it. There is overall a discrepancy in that one is doing all the hard work, maybe even one of you is actively working against your relationship for a myriad of reasons. For example, maybe you are harboring resentment for something the other did, and it never got addressed, maybe never even discussed. Or it could be from your childhood that your example of a healthy relationship was skewed, and you act this out with your partner. It could even be that your love for the other has faded and you are running on fumes. In which case your tolerance for issues coming are lessened and will therefore tear on the health of your relationship.

In these cases, it also creates a fixer role, and an instigator role of which is not healthy and will inevitably lead to conflicts and complications now and in the future, that then will seed itself and grow over time. The fixer will grow tired of constantly fixing problems coming up and either consciously or subconsciously realize that they are the one doing all the fixing. This leads to either resentment or a possible mental breakdown to then seek other relationships. Or, the relationship’s instigator will keep causing a stir, until they figure out a way. The instigator typically will either leave, or stay and create unfixable issues. It essentially comes down to that a healthy aspect of a relationship is when both partners can admit fault, responsibility, or any wrongdoing, rather than blame shifting. Because you both have realized that one, “it takes two to tango” and two, both must adopt responsibility for a healthy relationship. Then in this achieving of unison, you both can overcome your challenges. And even after, be closer together and more resilient to future issues that may come your way.

Make up after a fight and talk about a solution; this decreases the chance of future arguments over the same topic Making up after a fight, or one of those unconformable late-night arguments back and forth, can be difficult. The mornings after have a strange air to them, either you dance around each other in the kitchen brewing your coffee, or you speed on through to your destination of work. In worse cases you avoid each other the whole day, living your life, but the underlining strange energy never goes away. Now first of all, these are common. Every couple goes through a myriad of these and that’s why it is paramount to know how to make up after a fight. For one to escape that strange air, but also to get out of the other end having a more invigorative and strong relationship! In my experience as a couple’s therapist, couples have different ways of rescuing their relationship after a big fight. Either it is a meagerly mumbled “I’m sorry”; or it is makeup sex; or it is avoiding and deflecting for days on end, until it is forgotten. All of these can be done better, and I am going to tell you how. All so you do not dread the morning after a big fight, or the hours after getting together to talk.

Do not pretend that the fight never happened. One of the methods that I have experienced, as mentioned in the beginning, is that some couples after a fight just let it fester until the fight is forgotten about. This is not what you want. Because even if both of you are good at silently forgiving and forgetting, it still means that it will fester in the background and slowly build up over time. See it as a bucket with tiny holes in the bottom. When a fight breaks out between you two the buckets gets filled with water and over time the water just fizzles out through the holes. More and more holes are slowly being opened when you don’t discuss your fight. In addressing them you deblock the holes. There are many tips littered throughout this book dealing with this very topic. Don’t keep punishing the other, even after you have made up. Some people are sensitive souls and have a hard time forgiving or making up after a big fight, conflict, or argument. It could be something in their past, or that is

just their personality and what makes them unique. Likely what made you love them to begin with. But here it is crucial not to punish your partner after, in either silent treatments, passive-aggressiveness, or ill-intent in normal daily life. This usually comes about when “the making up after” isn’t sufficient for you or your partner. Or if it is difficult for them to make up or have difficult conversations.

An even heightened version of this, which I have seen, is the “full deepfreeze”. This is essentially where both of you are punishing each other the morning after. Both of you become ill-intended and passive-aggressive and is basically a contest of who will cave first. This is highly destructive and can lead to grave outcomes for your relationship. Even if you have kids together then this is very harmful for them as well, since it creates a “fully deep-freeze environment” so your kids will walk around on eggshells around both of you and really just want to escape as soon as possible. Always apologize. Now this may seem like it is a given. But you would be surprised at how many who know that apologizing is an excellent start to making up, but actually never do it. Many couples usually revert to the “pretend everything is fine, and it will go away”. Outright struggling relationships that I have counseled are the ones who punish their partner in whatever manner they can come up with. And all of this can be avoided in beginning the “make up conversation” with an apology. Additionally, saying “I am sorry” is not the equivalent to saying that you were wrong or that your partner wins. What it means is that you recognized that your partner’s feelings were hurt during the fight, some things were said, and that you are sorry about that when you have calmed down. It is about you taking responsibility for your side of the fight. So, cool off, usually the morning after, and when both of you are more levelled headed you can both start out with apologizing and have a more cordial conversation.

But a quick tip here is to get to the root of the fight you had. By doing this you skirt around the subsequent jabs and added on issues that were said and

apologized for. See you don’t just want to make up, you also want to fix the issue and even better, learn from it.

To get started with learning from the fight ask yourself, and both of you together, these two questions: “Is there a deeper issue that needs to be addressed that the fight was not about at face value?” For example, the toilet seat being up is not about the toilet seat being up. It is about something else, what is that else? “Why did your fight turn into a fight?” What happened? Who got set off first, what set them off? By talking about and learning this you effectively and practically make your relationship better and healthier.

Conflict solving As we previously have covered, the golden ratio for a long-lasting, healthy relationship, is 5 good moments for every 1 bad moment. As also stated, you can have less or more than this and still work out; 5-to-1 is just the magic ratio. Now in the 1970s, when rock and roll and water gate was a thing, two psychologists, Dr. Gottman and Dr. Levenson decided to see if they could predict the success rate of relationships: in their case, marriages. How they went about it was that they had a hunch that some relationships were almost only defined by conflict, whereas some could problem solve and collaborate like a well-oiled machine. They did an experiment with that they had a myriad of married couples enter a room. The two doctors then gave them a set of problems to handle and then gave the added diction that the problems had to be solved within 15 minutes or less. They left the room, went behind a glass-mirror, and began to observe. What they then did was to count how many bad moments and how many good moments there were within the solving of the issues being laid out in front of the couples. They came up with the initial theory that 80 percent good and 20 percent bad was where they could predict with enough certainty if the marriage would last. They did this and sent home the relationships. Then after they had gone through multiple married couples as to hit the statistic junction point of when statistical reliability can be reached, they waited 9 years to ask and see if the couples were together still or not. The kicker was that Dr. Gottman and Dr. Levenson with 90 percent accuracy predicted which marriages still were intact 9 years later based on their one conflict and problem-solving experiment. And they based all of it on the 5-to1 magic ratio.

Okay, lets become practical. Try to be aware and identify how you handle conflict that arises between you. Try to notice a bad interaction versus a positive one. What is a bad interaction? They are usually identified as “the four horsemen”. If you or your partner reacts within a conflict that you are

trying to solve either with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling, these are the main four horsemen of bad interactions. Additionally, it should be mentioned that feelings of loneliness and isolation also are bad interactions. Although these are more generalized feelings more than outright identifiable in relation to specific conflicts. The reason to be aware and identify them is because for every bad interaction, like an eyeroll or scoff, you need five good interactions to compensate.

To further elaborate a bit on these “four horsemen of bad interactions”, they can overall be categorized into two of ‘balance’ and ‘containment’. The first one, Balance, is how the very conversation or fights unfold between you two. A tilted balance of one partner speaking up more and doing this is through “the four horsemen” which creates an imbalance between you. What an imbalance means is that the silent partner will not feel safe or secure. What this means is that your partner will only speak superficially with you and walk on eggshells when being around you. Now the second one, containment, is how each of you handle disagreement. Here it is paramount that you need to disagree in a healthy manner, meaning as to not turn into trench warfare. A lack of good containment in a lot of cases turn into hurling one or more of “the four horsemen” at each other.

So, what are good interactions then? They are for you to be, one, ‘be interested’. In conflict solving different scenarios are laid out and solutions to said scenarios. Are you listening to your partners solutions? Are you interested in what your partner is proposing? Common methods of showing your partner that you are interested is eye-contact and asking questions and engaging. Then, two, we have ‘express affection’. This can also be applied outside of conflict itself. But in this you can hold hands while you problem-solve, or one of you can caress the other person. This is even backed up by actual scientific findings within our brain chemistry, in that physical positive touching dramatically reduces stress. And can therefore improve the conflict solving through tension easing.

Number three veers a bit outside of conflict solving itself, but still very much feeds into when complication between you two arises. It is to ‘demonstrate that they matter’. Where the key point to get across is that small things often matter. The best way to lay this out is to be attentive. Your partner has a big presentation or day tomorrow, so you do the dishes or the cooking. Even better if you actually loathe doing the dishes or cooking. Because then it shows your partner that you rank your own needs on par with their own. Why is this in the conflict solving point? Because many of these small things will create a buffer or a membrane when things get tough. Which brings us to the fourth good intention, or moment: ‘internalize good things about your partner’ while solving and talking about these conflicts. What this does is that it inadvertently creates a positive mindset for you, which will feed into a positive problem-solving. Remember a good memory you both share; remind yourself why you are with your partner; recount internally the good traits in the moment when you are talking about difficult topics. Now if both of you do this, then you two will come a long way in being master problem solvers! This positive or negative mindset then leads us to the next point of ‘find opportunities for agreement’. Usually when couples fight, or problem solve a conflict, a general focus on negativity is present. It usually starts cordial, but then slowly deteriorates into jabs against each other, which if not cut off, can easily escalate into full-blown trench warfare. This we need to avoid at all costs. The antidote to this is to find, or fish if you must, for areas and points to agree. Even if it is only tangentially agreeing on an off point, it is a good start and keeps the conversation in a positive tone. If the problem is communication and misunderstanding one another, then an effective and quick tip is to agree before the arguing gets heated to repeat your partners point, but in your own words. And this even connects with the point “Understanding each other’s values & beliefs” in chapter four. You may not agree with it, but that does not mean you cannot understand and accept it.

The trick of repeating does two things: one, it makes you listen to your

partner, because it puts you on the stop if you can’t repeat the point. But two, it also highlights any misunderstandings you may have about the other’s points. A quick example could be a couple talked about where to move to: the countryside or in the city. One partner says that living in the city brings so much more choice in ordering food in. Without the repeating trick, the other partner could interpret this as “oh, so you don’t like my cooking?” Whereas this was not the point. It was just so that it is easier to find varied food with options around you. If the repeating trick was done, then this whole wasp nest could have been avoided. Empathy is not only one of the defining features that make us different from many animals, it also is the one-stop-shop to breeze right on through heated arguments or dire conflicts. If you show your partner that you feel what they are feeling, then that promotes understanding and cordial communication. Even saying out loud “it makes sense that you feel…” goes a long way. Likewise, if an apology is in order and is needed, then apologize – plain and simple. Pride is not a healthy feeling in a relationship and especially not during conflict. Ask yourself, would you rather apologize, or contribute to losing the person you love by not apologizing? Now the last tip is the last one for a reason. It is to ‘make jokes during the conflict’. The reason why this is last is because it is a delicate balance to figure out when to make a joke and when not to. Especially in a fight. Even figuring out what kind of joke to make given the situation and topic is paramount. But when that is said, a joke can lighten the atmosphere and make a heated conflict cooler. It is effective if done right, and it is ultimately up to you to know when or if to make a joke.

In being aware about your actions and how you conduct yourself under conflicts you can by extension cut down on your bad interactions, your four horsemen, and promote your good interactions. If you do, then scientifically you will have a happier and healthier relationship. Not to mentioned smooth problem-solving. Speed can be a negative contributing factor in a fight. Our brain tries to self-preserve itself and restore emotional balance and this activates the old, animalistic, part of our brain – the amygdala – operating subconsciously. This

can cause you to trigger yourself into a quick frenzy. This can be avoided with conscious control over both of your emotions. So in many cases, slowing down and reflecting on the topic at hand is immensely helpful.

2 COMMUNICATION Use “I would love it if…” or “It would help me a lot if…” when asking for a favor, rather than “You never do…” How we present our words is very important. When addressing a difficult topic, choose your words carefully. Speak to your partner how you would like to be spoken to. Your partner will likely respond better when you politely ask them to do something, rather than starting the conversation with “You never do this”, or “You never do that”. This is a difficult one, I know. But this has a negative tone to it, even if you don’t intend it that way. Approach the conversation with a polite request. The problem is that within our societies there is a cultural fear in asking for something because it sets us up for being rejected. It effectively makes us vulnerable, even with our partner that we have spent so much time with. They are the person that knows us in and out. So because of this deep seated fear in some of us being weak, or perceived as weak, the ask can be morphed into quick, emotionally void, and almost command-like. Like, “you never take out

the trash!” or “just put down the toilet seat for Pete’s sake!” These are the ‘asks’ we want to avoid. See it is all in how it is said. A command makes the receiver of such ask feel like a slave or smaller than the asker. Whereas an ask for a favor framed the right way will make the receiver, your partner, feel the opposite effect. It makes them feel valued and important to you. Like what you are asking only them can provide the answer or action out of everyone in the world. So taking down the toilet seat or holding back on the makeup acquisitions becomes something valuable to the other person. So every time you will feel important when that circular toilet seat is being taken down and when you see those empty spaces in your makeup bag. Likewise, when your partner sees that toilet seat nice and down, ready for the sitting, or when your partner sees less makeup brands in the monthly bank account breakdown.

In a Stanford study in 2003, it was found that there is a discrepancy between the feelings of gratitude and value based on if you are the giver or the receiver in a relationship, when it comes to favors and just in general asks. Here the receiver of an ask will value the receiving the most in the immediate moment, of which it will diminish over time. The opposite is the case for the giver. Here the one asking the favor will value to the response the least in the moment, but then enhance appreciation over time. [1] Why is this important? Because by understanding this we create insights into when our partner will appreciate the result. If we don’t realize this, our expectations may be tumbled around and become a point of expectation appreciation, but not receiving it from your partner.

An important point here is also to show appreciation and gratitude when an ask or favor has been met by your partner. See, it is natural in long-term relationships to revert to a status quo and turn down the outward appreciation and gratitude. Essentially over time when we have met many asks by our partner or that we have asked our partner many asks, it is human nature to not show as much gratitude and start to expect a positive response or expectation to an ask. This we need to actively fight against since it is proven that this

reversion to a status quo and lower gratitude can bring down relationships. The key here is therefore to keep in mind that your partner does not have to meet your ask, but they do it because they love you. Likewise, when your partner is asking you for something, a favor, they do it because they know that you are the only person on earth that can do this for them, and it will make them feel so much better.

It’s not always what you say, but how you say it. Pay attention to tone as well as non-verbal cues Tone, body language, attitude, and gestures are all a part of communication, just as much as a verbal conversation. Even more actually, 82 percent of experts believe that communication comes from non-verbal elements. We will get to this in a bit. The words and phrasing that you and your partner choose are important and make a difference in a conversation or argument. Your words, on top of your facial expressions and tone can make a conversation sway a certain way, positively or negatively – escalating or deescalating. This is well known and well-studied and you may have even heard of “body language experts” or FBI agents that can essentially read a person based on their non-verbal cues. Being aware of your tone and how you say certain things can make your relationship function more smoothly. Let’s get to it.

Even the best of us, we still can hide what we really mean. By noticing these cues your partner is doing, communication between you can run smoothly and by extension your relationship as well. It should be said though that these are always just indicators ,they are never the be all, end all. This is heavily modified by personality and openness in their behavior in general. Look at your partner’s feet and torso. Consistently, every time you sit down, or begin to talk about something, either prescient, difficult, or pleasant. Notice where your partner’s feet and torso are pointing. Their head and subsequent eyes may be oriented towards you, but if both the feet and torso are pointing away from you, then it can mean that your partner is beginning to lose interest in the relationship, or there is a hidden complication or feeling you should ask about. This is to meet it head-on, rather than letting it fester and grow. Sidenote: if you know a difficult conversation will be had then the act of sitting close to each other and also facing each other is a wonderful subconscious trick to make your heated topic go over more smoothly.

Notice any biting or nervous ticks. We all do it, or at least try to do it. We all try to hide our feelings or stress or anxiety or discomfort. It’s simply human nature. Either we do this to underplay a state of mind out of necessity, or we do it to be difficult, or because we need to be tough for the other. In each and every case, your body language will reveal you at some point. In essence, if your partner bites their nails or plays with their hair excessively, then that could indicate that they are nervous or have anxiety about something. Or maybe they are holding something back in a difficult conversational topic you both are engaged in. Now it should be mentioned that a lifelong habit lessens the prevalence for when this tick is done. But in each case, it means your partner is concerned or nervous about something. You noticing these, opens the eyes of your partner and brings you closer together. Almost giving you the feeling that you both can read each other’s minds without having to say a word. Are your partner’s legs crossed? Psychological studies have been found that consistently in heated conversations and conflicts when people’s legs are crossed closed, then that is their subconscious saying that they are now both mentally, emotionally, and physically closed off. In a lot of cases this legcrossing is not consciously intentional which is what makes this such a good indicator of your partner’s state of mind in your conflict solving. Little side tip, just in your everyday meandering. When you sit next to each other, for example on a bench in the park, cross your legs towards them. If your partner is then also crossing their legs and it is in the opposite direction of yours, this may be an indicator that something is wrong – so you should ask if something is wrong, or if they want to talk. How far or how close is your partner to you in general? How your partner feels emotionally is usually mirrored in their general physical posture. Notice in general when you go on your date nights to get dinner, or just watching your next episode on your couch – in all these situations how close or far away from you is your partner? If it is far away, you should engage in conversation of what might be wrong. Too little or too much eye contact. Without turning into a CSI detective or FBI agent, the complete lack of eye contact can signal that your partner is lying or at least are emotionally uncomfortable. Likewise, many people know

about this body language marker, so to compensate, your partner will almost look too much in your eyes. It is a fine balance and it comes down to you knowing your partner the most. And knowing when and if they change their behavior in their eye contact. Because, like all of these, it is heavily based on personality openness. Are our partner’s arms crossed? In the beginning of any relationship we will subconsciously, like with our legs, hide our stomach area of our body. This is because the majority of our intestines are located in this area, so closing it off is an animalistic tick and shows a sign of trust or the lack thereof if this area is exposed or open.

Raise/address your standards Having standards does not mean that you are “high maintenance” or “stuck up”. Having standards are healthy not only in your romantic relationship, but all your relationships in your life. Having healthy standards means that you have basic needs that you require to be met. Knowing what you want means that those around you cannot take advantage of you. When your partner knows what your standards are, then he or she can meet them, because they will know what you will not tolerate or accept. You are not striving for perfection in your partner, only support for your values and standards. Standards don’t mean that you have expectations that your partner can’t meet, it simply means that you know the foundation in your relationship is solid, and you will know when there are issues. Healthy standards mean that neither you nor your partner will settle for less. Everyone deserves a healthy relationship, and standards are a great way to ensure this healthiness. Expectations and standards are not exactly the same. Expectations are more of something that we hope for, it is not something that we address and will require. Having appropriate standards helps you to become more confident in expressing what you want. Relationship satisfaction is dependent upon whether or not you believe your standards are being met.

Hear & repeat the other This is the perfect tip to arrive at effective communication, in situations where you both are struggling to understand each other or have a hard time listening to one another.

A practical method in couple’s counseling is to listen attentively of what your partner is saying, interpret it, and then repeat it back to your partner before you make your own point. In this way you show your partner what parts you understood and what you didn’t. While it also crucially highlights any lack in understanding each other’s points. Basically, it shows your partner where you need something rephrased and where you both are in tune. Your partner will then proceed to explain the part you did not understand and through this you inch closer to a cohesive understanding of whatever topic is being discussed – maybe even problem solved. It also allows the conversation to move on a steady, efficient pace. For example, let’s say that you decided to move in together. Congratulations! It is a big and exciting step. But you agreed beforehand that you should find a new place for both of you. The act of one partner moving in could bring up complications and you both decided against that. It is evening, both of you have eaten your dinner and that Netflix show is on that both of you only partially care about. Your partner brings up that living out in nature would be their preferred place, whilst you want to live in the city. A disagreement ensues and both of you are making points for their preferred living environment.

When you proceed to say that ‘living in the city brings so much more opportunity for food delivery, whereas out in nature’s outskirts there are no options at all’. Your partner completely misunderstands your point and interpret it as you do not like their cooking. Maybe it has even been a point in your relationship that never really got addressed and has been dormant, only occasionally brought up. Your partner button has been triggered and your discussion of living has turned into a conflict, bringing up old problems into the, now, fight.

This fight could have been completely avoided if both of you agreed beforehand to adopt the ‘Hear & Repeat’ method. Since your partner would then repeat your ‘city living’ argument and highlight that she understood it as both of you never really cooked homemade meals and they would want that. Both for cost saving reasons, but also just for their value reason. So you explain further that it was because both of you work full time and it is hard to put in time for homecooked meals and grocery shopping. Likewise, a maybe bonus would be that you begin to talk to each other about the ‘home cooking’ topic.

Studies have shown that a lack of ‘Reflective Listening’ as it is scientifically named, is rooted in a lack of empathy, or insecurity. Since people who struggle with listening and reflecting on what is heard only are in the conversation to defend themselves at all costs. In these cases, of increasing empathy in the relationship can be adopted by going into the many points littered throughout this book that act as preemptive in that it increases your overall love for each other. Discounting that it could be that one of you, maybe even both you, struggles with social anxiety and sense of self-worth. In this case it can be allegorically explained that you or your partner only talk outward and never inward.

This can either take two forms. One, nothing is really discussed because nothing is really answered, it is like talking to a wall. Or two, you or your partner is only concerned with prompting their own perspective up in every conversation. Even in a lot of cases bringing points up that have nothing to do with the conversational topic at hand. This can be incredibly frustrating and lead to never actually beginning conversations to begin with. In either case, communication here is struggling and should be addressed immediately since this can tear on your relationship health.

In short, the act of “Defensive Communication”, where no listening is achieved and both in a relationship is there to only prompt up their own point, or self-esteem, naturally goes nowhere. Because if you only listen to yourself

in a conversation, you don’t learn anything new, because you know what you want and know. The “Hear & Repeat” method directly counters this and forces you to not only listen, but also understand because you have to repeat your partner’s point afterward.

So let’s be practical and see which trait both of you should adopt to successfully utilize Reflective Listening, Hear & Repeat. It all starts before you go into any discussion that might turn into a conflict which can turn into a fight – all due to misunderstanding. So before going into any discussion, agree beforehand, and be willing to try out the “Hear & Repeat” method. Next is to agree to not overtalk each other. What that means is that you designate two clear roles of the “speaker” and the “listener”. Of which both of you switch between, while not interrupting. A quick tip is to not speak for too long, since it then can be difficult to repeat for the listener. This as a side perk also avoid long winded emotional monologues. The speaker starts out with “I would really like to talk about…” Then it is the listener’s turn to repeat. Here the listener is not allowed to embellish or distort their view upon the point made by the speaker. The listener merely repeats the point being made. The listener may say “what I heard you say was…” The speaker here can correct any misunderstandings that the listener may have had. It also aids the speaker in hearing their own point being repeated and presents the opportunity to clarify certain points. The speaker can correct or clarify saying “well, that was not quite what I said, I meant…” This dynamic keeps going until the original speaker, with their ‘speech’ are done and fully communicated and understood. Then the roles switch and the listener is now the speaker who gives their ‘speech’.

If you want or feel something; simply ask or say it. Don’t skirt around it or avoid it Being direct is an essential part in a relationship, rather than having your partner guess what you want or how you’re feeling. It is easy to assume that our partners know us so well, that they should be able to tell what we want or need, but that is not always the case. It is easy to think that your partner knows or understands something, but don’t make this mistake! It is better to ask or speak up and have them understand the situation, rather than have miscommunication. Speaking up is not always easy and many couples find it difficult. They may find themselves fearful or simply dreading speaking up. They may feel like their partner won’t understand, or that it will just lead into an argument. There are many reasons why someone will choose to not voice their opinions or concerns. But here’s the thing – when we fall in love, we form a deep bond. A bond that needs nourishment, safety, and reassurance. These are the reasons why we seek a partner in the first place. We are meant to have close relationships in life; with parents, friends, family, and a partner. However, by not talking about something that needs to be talked about, many problems can arise. Resentment is a big one, and is often very common in relationships. Resentment can happen when we feel let down or disappointed by our partner, but the issue is not addressed. They say it’s not the spider bite that kills you, but rather the poison that is left behind to fester. This kills your joy and your ability to be positive. And so the tension and frustration builds and builds. Overtime, arguments can increase and the disconnect between you two grows stronger. This is quite unfortunate and can be avoided if the right steps are taken. If you are apprehensive about speaking your mind, simply start small. Tell your partner that it is difficult for you to express your mind, and that you may not feel comfortable with being vulnerable. However, it is far better to start somewhere and start small, rather than avoid the conversation altogether. When we share how we feel with our spouse, we are opening that two-way door to receiving the love and understanding that we need. The goal is to

move past unresolved pain and conflict, by offering to listen to one another’s needs and concerns. We offer praise to our partner when they do something positive and helpful, so why not offer your concerns when we feel upset with them? Both praise and concern should be voiced when we feel them, it is simply feedback that your partner needs to know. You and your partner should know when each other are upset. Incorporate positive and negative feedback, as well as expressing pain and disappointment into your relationship, that way no one will have to guess how the other is feeling. Allow your partner to react and respond to what you are expressing. What are their feelings and thoughts about it? Approach your partner with a calm demeanor and an open mind.

3 TRIGGERS & TRAUMA Discuss and address any trauma or deep-rooted problems Ignoring our trauma or triggers is already damaging as an individual alone. But when we bring these unaddressed triggers into a relationship or marriage, it can easily cause many issues and drive a wedge between us and our partner. Healing our past traumas is essential, and your partner may or may not even know of these triggers. Try therapy, or a support group on your healing journey. If you’re comfortable enough, try discussing this with your partner, so they are informed and can act accordingly. If your partner does

not know about your trauma or your history, they will not be able to understand your behavior or your reason behind certain beliefs. Be as open and specific as you can be, in order for them to understand and accept you as who you are today. For example, you can say “I don’t like walking alone anywhere because I was robbed when I was by myself”. Your partner will be able to better understand your PTSD and support you through it. Discussing boundaries is also essential, as your partner may unintentionally overstep these boundaries because they do not know them. Once your partner understands, you can explain to them that overtime, your boundaries may change or become more eased. Many of us hold on to previous relationship or childhood trauma. Even ones that you have not told anyone – your partner included. This is inadvisable. Your partner is here to help, and you can work through a previous abusive relationship. If anything, your partner can help by encouraging to seek professional help in addressing the trauma triggers and PTSD from such past experiences. If this is not addressed, then these deepseated traumas can steadily grow and present much bigger issues for your relationship in the future. This you will want to avoid. So, meet them headon, gently speak about it, and work them out together. If interested in this topic, I also wrote a book about escaping narcissism called “You Are Enough”.

Understand your partner’s past and their family’s behaviors This is an extremely important topic that isn’t always spoken about. You know what they say, when you marry someone, you marry their family as well. And the old saying “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”. This is true in some cases, however I believe that we can carry some behaviors from our childhood into our adulthood. Our parents and family have a direct impact on us, whether positive or negative, and understanding each other’s childhood can help you to understand one another on a new and different level. A very common and difficult situation that many couples find themselves in, is getting along with their spouse’s in-laws. I mean, have you ever seen the movie “Meet the parents”? You are not alone if you have ever been in this situation. Firstly, if you haven’t done so yet, it is important to know your partner’s childhood and the life and parents that they had. Was it a positive upbringing, or were there problems that negatively affected them? How did their family communicate? How did your family communicate? Communication styles are often shaped and molded during childhood. Were they neglected, abused, or abandoned as a child? Early childhood experiences shape our personality and beliefs. Many of us that have been abused or neglected can hold onto toxic beliefs that we are guilty, shameful, and not good enough. These are all valid subjects to talk about, as it can influence how you or your partner operates, communicate, and live their life. Show them support and non-judgment if you have discovered that they have childhood trauma, and together you can work through it and come out stronger on the other side. Abuse can be generational and “run” in certain families, essentially repeating the cycle of abuse and dysfunction with each new family member. It has been proven in numerous studies that those who have intergenerational abuse are more likely to have insecure attachment styles in their relationships as adults, among many other mental health problems. Understanding your partner’s upbringing is essential for the success of your relationship. Abuse survivors may need extra love, trust, security, and attention in relationships, for understandable reasons. Those who have been abused are typically more

sensitive to behaviors like passive aggressiveness, the silent treatment, and arguments. Therapy, or more specifically, couple’s therapy can be a lifesaver for couples that have triggers or trauma from childhood. You may not understand your partner’s emotional regulation or attachment style, and it is best to work with a professional so you will have solid answers and a gentle guiding source to healing. The good news is that triggers do not have to be permanent and lifelong. Our brains are more capable than we could ever believe, and this is true in the case of healing and moving on from our traumas.

4 EFFORT & INVESTMENT Work on shared responsibility so the workload doesn’t fall all on one person When one person in the relationship feels like they are doing too much and are not being appreciated, this can quickly cause resentment over time and show up out of the blue. Many points through this book go through how to preemptively avoid fights. Or when they do occur, because they are inevitable, then the severity of them is not as strong. See one of the main reasons why breakups happen is because one person feels that they are doing everything, while the other person does very little. If this works for your

relationship, then no worries! Each partnership is different and unique and should be embraced if it is healthy. The workload doesn’t always have to be 50/50, you simply must find a balance that works for you and your relationship. There is no right or wrong answer, and don’t base it on how your friends or family operate. They may give you advice on how to divide the labor, but again, do what works best for you! Perhaps you enjoy cooking and cleaning the home, converse with your partner that you enjoy housework, and that it would be fair if they work outside of the home. Maybe you enjoy taking care of the garden, going on grocery runs, or helping the kids with homework. Your partner can then focus more on money making through their career. Or vice versa! Any scenario is possible. This is a balance of labor, and you have to go into a long-term relationship knowing the delegation of each task. Shared responsibility is not only efficient, but it is fair to both partners. A household and relationship can function at an amazing level when both partners put in the same amount of effort, emotionally and physically. When achieving this equilibrium between the two of you, a feeling of unity will begin and a well-oiled machine will begin to spawn. Both making you feel like you both made the perfect choice of partner, but also externally get the comment from others of “you two are just a power couple!” Mind you, things can shift and adapt. A day is rarely rigid. Yes, many live under a habitual humdrum of a day; wake up – drink your coffee – go to work – come home to eat dinner – sleep, repeat. But in the minutia change occur and adaptability is needed. So be clear about what you need help with, and when you need it. Then you both will go into collaboration and planning mode, and figure out how to solve this change of the daily humdrum. When your partner is working on their share of responsibilities, try to allow them to do things their way as this allows them freedom and likely more efficiency. Many tasks are required in order for your relationship (and possibly family) to function successfully. If you are at a disagreement about the tasks or workload, the main solution is negotiation. Simply listen to one another and you will be able to determine what does and doesn’t work for each of you.

And negotiation is needed for any relationship generally, however it is especially needed when delegating tasks. A tip is to go to point “Wants & Needs” in this chapter, and use the tools given there to excel at negotiation. Negotiations create success because it is a fair, two-way communication that can benefit both sides. Coming to a successful agreement means that your relationship can last long-term and will not crumble when arguments or disagreements arise. This is how relationships grow and develop.

Verbalize your appreciation of your partner; don’t assume they know that you appreciate them Appreciation and gratitude are not just key in happiness studies, it is also key to a happy relationship. It almost seems like a no-brainer, but in a busy world of stress, hobbies, friends, and keeping a coherent life together the simple phrase of “thank you” can be forgotten. Either it is because we internally know that your partner knows that we are appreciative, or that we see it more as a formal gesture not home for your intimate partner. Well, I am here to tell you that, that is wrong. Because there have been found in a study in 2015 that those two simple words, prevent the other partner by a significant margin to end the relationship and was measured to result in overall healthier relationships. Quite simply it will, like some of the other tips in this book, create a buffer effect for negative experiences, thoughts, or conflicts. [4] So here are some practical steps. Set aside a daily time for each of you to talk about your day. A recommended time is while eating dinner and prioritizing eating dinner together. This simply lets your partner feel heard and shows them that you care, because you do – otherwise you wouldn`t have bought this book. To dwell a bit on the dinner-tip. It was found that relationships that eats together are on average happier, but also have a higher happiness maximum in their relationship. Whereas it was also found that eating together with their partner actually made the food taste better. So if you like your food to taste better with no apparent reason in the dish, eat together as a couple. [5] Concluding the two simple, two syllable sounds of “thank you” does three things: it shows that you value your partner; how committed you are to them; and you signal that you believe your relationship will last. Show each other that you can be trusted Trust is a big need in a relationship and more than you might expect. Of course, trust is needed in being faithful and respectful to your partner. But trust can go deeper than that because it can also be about trusting your partner to be there and listen when you’re upset. While faithfulness is paramount, trust cuts deeper than you might see at face value.

“Trust”. There have been over 100,000 scientific articles published about this topic. Needless to say it is an essential subject and one that should not be skimmed on in your relationship. See the problem with trust is that some people see it as a zero-sum game. What this means is that when your partner mistrusts you in X, it is a gain for them and a loss for you. This creates a discrepancy in the relationship, which propels not only the trust issue more, but will spill into other buckets as well, turning into new conflicts within your relationship. If there is trust in your relationship on a healthy strong level, it was found that it releases the “cuddle hormone” oxytocin. Anthropologists and psychologists speculate that it goes back to the prevalence of high trust when men hunted and gathered in tribes. If you could trust a tribal member to tell you where the good berries are, or if there was a sabretooth tiger behind you, then that could result in life and death. This biologically hard-wired our minds to release this pleasurable cuddle hormone when we feel trustful.

Okay, so we know based on multiple studies and testimonials that trust is important. So how do you build it? By focusing on the small moments that can build or strengthen said trust. See throughout our relationship’s normal everyday humdrum life, a myriad of moments present itself where you can either get closer to your partner, stay the same, or move further away from your partner. Here are a few scenarios. For example, say that your favorite show on Netflix is on and you have waited throughout your whole day to watch the next episode with your partner. Just before pressing play your partner airs an uncomfortable moment they had at work. Their friend was being unfair and unreasonable, blaming them for something which clearly was not their fault. Now pause. Here is where one of these small moments presents itself. You can either dismiss your partners feelings, or brush them to the side saying, “can we talk about it after the show?”, or that you outright choose to take the friend’s side. In all of these choices, they lead to diminished trust which is what you don’t want. The Netflix show can come later, and second, realize your partners feelings come first. And even if they were in the wrong, they are still upset, so tell

them that you understand their feelings. For the second example, let’s that tomorrow is going to be hectic. Yes, most of your days are, but this one takes the cake. Your partner has that important meeting tomorrow that will define the next year in their career. In your dazed morning stupor, you notice that your partner fell asleep last night before the kid’s lunch boxes were made, and the kitchen is a mess. You know how stressed your partner has been about this pressing meeting, and you believe that they won’t have the time or energy to complete the tasks in time. So, you decide to give them a head start and prepare the kid’s lunch boxes and clean up the kitchen. When your partner awakes, they realize just how much they can count on you during stressful times, or even times that they do not ask you to help them. This is an excellent example of building that trust and strengthening that bond, they will feel like they can count on you and vice versa. Your partner will be more apt to mirror that behavior back to you, and this is a type of trust that all relationships truly need.

If you always turn away from moments like these, then it either establishes itself as status quo for a while, or it even has the opposite effect of actually degrading your relationship through diminishing the trust between the two of you. A good way to know if there is trust in your relationship is to notice when “Security Questions” come up, as opposed to “Reality Questions”. See security questions are rooted in an underlining insecurity either about themselves, a situation specific to the now, or the relationship as a whole. They are questions that can be seen a bit as an iceberg. It is a straightforward question, but not visible are the immense baggage that made your partner, or you ask such a question. An example of a security question could be “do you still love me?” Likewise, and as the name implies, reality questions deal with what is immediate and is exactly what is being asked. There is no baggage or underlining feelings behind them and are question such as “what should we order for dinner tonight?” or “what movie would you like to watch?” It should be mentioned that security questions can be asked if you our your partner in general are insecure through social anxiety or the like. In these cases, a generalized book like this one can help you, but not as much as

a Relationship Therapist can, so you should seek out a Therapist in this case.

So in building trust or strengthening it, it really comes down to six tips within couples counselling. It spells out the acronym “ATTUNE”: one, be Aware of your partners emotions. Two, Turn towards those emotions. Three, have Tolerance of both or multiple viewpoints. Four, try then to Understand your partner. Five, in your communication be Non-defensive, and six, respond always with Empathy. Perspective and awareness are key in a partnership. Ensure that you and your partner are equally open and working towards this. Practice these tactics and your relationship will bloom.

Greet one another with enthusiasm and affection when they come home When your partner comes home, chances are they’ll be pretty exhausted. If you don’t do this already, try greeting them with affection, love, and enthusiasm. Be genuinely happy to see them and greet them with a long, warm hug. Telling them how happy you are to see them is not only validating, but something that everyone needs to hear when they come home. Long term couples can especially benefit from doing this, because it lets your partner know that even after all these years, you are still delighted when they come home. You can greet them with a smile, hug, kiss, or all of the above. Another great idea is to greet them with something new or different, like a special meal. Or perhaps you can bring them their favorite cup of coffee. It’s likely that you will be doing something when they get home, this is normal. But a distracted “hey” everyday can make your partner feel unappreciated, or make you feel unappreciated, if you are the one coming home to your partner. After they have been warmly greeted, feel free to ask them how their day was. Tell them about your day as well. Try to refrain from instantly speaking about a bad subject, as that can be overwhelming to your partner. (Or again, vice versa if you are the one being greeted). Most people would appreciate a smile and a positive subject when arriving home.

Give more compliments! This is something that is often forgotten once we have been in a marriage or relationship for a long time. Bring compliments back! If your partner cooks a meal for you, let them know how delicious it was. Tell your partner how good their hair or outfit looks. Just as if you were to do something special for your partner, you would typically expect a compliment. This goes back to simple appreciation and how much people need to feel appreciated in a relationship. Complimenting your partner makes them feel good about themselves, it helps their self-esteem. You are essentially giving support and admiration, which each and every one of us deserves. Your partner cannot read your mind and vice versa. Many people do forget to compliment their partner; this is common and can be worked on, because this is an essential part of a successful relationship. This can be frustrating for the other partner as this can make them feel unappreciated, overlooked, and ignored. Compliments and gratitude are ongoing expressions. This means that it takes more than one compliment from your partner in order for you to feel the effect and appreciate it. And this is a common issue with couples. Growing your relationship means being able to realize and recognize areas that need help and improvement. Psychologist John Gottman’s research found that praise and compliments must outnumber criticism five to one in order for a relationship to thrive and be successful. Ask yourself; do I or my partner give more compliments than criticism? How can I lower the criticism and raise the compliments? Praise and compliments should be given when deserved. A rewarded behavior is likely going to be repeated again. This is the basic principle known as operant conditioning. So for example, let’s say you tell your partner “Thank you for cooking dinner while I was helping the kids with their homework, you’re so helpful when I need it”. This is praise and a compliment, which means this behavior is likely to reoccur due to the “reward” that is received from it. Now let’s say you don’t ask your partner for help while you are helping with the kids, or you make a remark that he/she never really helps you. This

does not feel like a reward or praise, thus having the opposite effect; they will not enjoy helping you and they will take the remark as criticism. Behavior modification can be done by altering actions and reactions through negative or positive reinforcement or punishment or reward. The more specific you are with your words, the better. For example, rather than saying something like “You look nice”, try to add some detail in there, give it a bit more effort. You could say this instead: “I love the way your hair looks when you style it to the side like that, it brings out your eyes”. Or, “Thank you for cleaning the kitchen before I got home, it saved me a lot of time and I don’t have to stress about it now”. This provides guidance and a clear idea of what you are grateful for. And again, when your partner feels good about something, they are more likely to repeat that behavior, and it is a win-win for the relationship.

Complement, don’t compete A great way to become healthier as a couple is to complement one another, rather than competing with one another. In a relationship, each person brings something very special and unique, and has a lot of different ways to offer love. This is unique to each person and shouldn’t be compared to your partner. Comparing yourself and your life to your partner’s, is a recipe for insecurity and jealousy. Ask yourself what you love about yourself and what you enjoy giving to your relationship. Do you enjoy cooking for your partner when they come home from work? Do you love making your partner laugh? Do you enjoy working and providing an income? Do you love providing emotional support and companionship? Whatever it is that you do, embrace it and own it! Your partner can embrace what they offer, and together it should be seen as a dual effort relationship. Try not to see your partner as competition, but rather a necessary person in the relationship. Competing with your partner creates resentment and jealousy. When you see your partner as competition, you see them as someone who needs to be beaten. You see them as someone that you should be better than. Although it sounds harsh, quite a few people may be doing this without even realizing it, so it may not be intentional. Ask yourself do you find yourself comparing yourself to your partner or vice versa? There is always a reason for this, mainly insecurity, jealousy, or pressure. Couples should act as a team, yes I know it sounds cheesy, but it is quite accurate. A team works together as one. A team realizes that things can’t get done with just one person participating, and that the results are often faster and more successful when multiple individuals are putting in effort. Complementing your partner means supporting and helping one another become better, like two halves making up a whole. You do not have to succeed at the same thing in order for you both to have value and meaning in your relationship. When there is little or no competition in your relationship, it means that even after a disagreement or argument, you are able to make up quickly and resolve issues without it lingering.

Celebrate birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries together as much as possible Don’t let these special occasions lose their importance! If at all possible, try to take the day off of work and get together with family, friends, and of course your partner. As we get older, our birthdays tend to lose their “spark”, but this is exactly what we don’t want. Don’t let your (or your partner’s) birthday become “just another day”. It happens only once a year, it is special! Celebrate it, and look forward to birthdays and holidays every year, it will certainly bring more happiness to your relationship. Ourselves and our partners need to feel loved and included and even more so on their special day. Birthday parties are not just for children, and most people would very much enjoy being treated with extra love and attention on their birthdays. Anniversaries should always be celebrated when you and your partner are able to. Discuss what you would enjoy doing on your special day, the possibilities are literally endless. You can even create a special day with little or no money. The main point is that you celebrate your love and new milestone in your relationship. Each anniversary is an opportunity to express your gratitude and reflect on memories that you have made in your relationship. The spark of special days shouldn’t be dimmed just because we are adults! Although as adults, we have far more responsibilities than when we’re children. Some of us don’t like celebrating birthdays because we are more focused on our priorities and responsibilities, and our special day just doesn’t feel “special” anymore. We cast it aside, and hope that no one says “Happy Birthday” to us. But don’t we deserve a special day? Don’t we deserve a break? We are allowed to break the mold of our everyday life and celebrate with our loved ones. If you don’t want to acknowledge your birthday, that’s okay, but allow yourself to have a day where you do something different or take time off.

Consider keeping a couple’s journal! This can consist of poems, daily reflections, questions, compliments, venting, and even goal keeping. For example, after a great day or a celebration, you can write down the details of that day and the memories that are fresh in your mind. Months or years later, you can look back on the writings with fondness and gratitude. This is a very sweet and effective technique that makes a relationship healthier. You can share anything you want, because it is a private journal between you and your partner. Writing an inspirational quote or positive affirmation is also a great idea in order to increase positivity and a new perspective in your relationship. These journals can last forever and can even be passed on to your children or other family members. Writing with your partner can be deeply personal and bonding. You get to understand your partner’s thoughts, hopes, and inner thoughts that they likely wouldn’t have said in everyday conversations. Writing tends to open up our emotions, sometimes being more efficient than verbally speaking. There are lots of possibilities when it comes to a couple’s journal. You can even create different sections if you’d like. For example, one section can be the “communication” section, and another can be the “goals” section. You can set up a questions section, or simply fill in the blanks of a “What I love about you” chapter. Whatever comes to mind, you are free to do. You and your partner will appreciate one another on a deeper level when you take the time to hand write your feelings. You will see things from each other’s point of view, as communication is often easier when it is not verbal. You will know and remember why and how you fell in love with your partner. Let’s look at some research to back this up. A University of North Carolina Wilmington study asked married couples to keep a gratitude journal for a span of 2 weeks. [13] This same university even got multiple couples together to answer a series of questions each and every day. Here they found that if you keep a relationship journal you not only will feel like your partner will support you more. Your sex life will also get an uptick upwards, and

your feelings of closeness will increase. Both of these effects result overall to your relationship healthiness and success.

Discover yours and your partner’s love language and encourage it! According to relationship therapist Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages that people demonstrate. Those 5 languages are gifts, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and physical touch. Everyone has different personalities and different ways that they express themselves. Love languages can also mean what we expect to receive from our partner. For those with a love language of gifts, this means that receiving gifts from your partner is the number one way that you feel appreciated. This does not mean that you are selfish, it simply means that you feel appreciated when you receive something from your partner. Gifts are a normal part of life, we give gifts for birthdays and holidays and special events. It is a sign of gratitude and love. Many people have the love language of quality time, and for good reason! Many believe that time is the most valuable thing in the world. If your love language is quality time, that means that you expect your partner to spend time with you as their way of showing that they care. Attention and conversing are all a part of quality time, and this means the most to you when it comes to your relationship. A great way to encourage more of this is by communicating with your partner that it means a lot to you when you spend one on one time together. Even small changes, such as cutting out excess time on your phone, and spending that time with your partner instead can really make a difference. You could plan a getaway together, have a deep conversation, or go on a romantic date. Acts of service as a love language mean that you are most pleased when your partner lends you a helping hand such as doing a chore for you, or taking care of something for you, with or without you asking. This is a very common love language as it is a very sweet gesture of kindness. You and your partner probably have many things in common, and also many things that you don’t have in common. It’s normal for your love language to differ from your partners. The key is to discover how they operate. Do they express their love and

gratitude by giving you massages, hugs and kisses? Or do they enjoy giving you gifts and treats when you’re upset? How do you express your love? Understanding how we function in love is a necessity in understanding our partner and relationship, and that way we don’t have to guess how they operate. Talk to your partner about love languages as this helps them to understand how your relationship works.

Consider getting a pet! If a cute little bird, dog, or kitty isn’t enough to persuade you, consider this following study: Those with pets tend to live longer, healthier, and stress-free lives. “Contact with pets seem to counteract this stress response by lowering stress hormones and heart rate.” This is incredible! When your stress levels are down, that typically translates into a better functioning relationship. “Pets also lower anxiety and fear levels (psychological responses to stress) and elevate feelings of calmness.” [16] And not only do pets aid you individually, but you and your partner can bond over the pet and enjoy them together. Also, an added perk; if you don’t have children with your partner yet, you can see how they handle a pet, since a pet is a responsibility and needs care. While also observing how your dynamic handles a pet: what changes and what doesn’t. A pet, especially a young one, also shakes things up and brings spontaneity to your relationship. It gives you a joint project to work on and coordinate between. This also opens the opportunity for frequent walks if it is a dog. Added with the fact that frequent walks will do wonders for both your physical and mental health. This opens up time for both of you to take frequent walks together talk about life and everything in between. Additionally, many new opportunities will also present itself in small talking to strangers. This can act as basic exposure therapy if you or your partner has social anxiety. Other mental health benefits which will inevitably translate into a healthier relationship is the anxiety reducing effects a pet gives you in the stroking and caressing act of your pet. It does wonders for your mind to relax and get into a calm state.

Overall petting your pet will directly release pleasure brain chemicals such as serotonin and dopamine, similar to what drugs do, but in an obviously healthier manner.

In essence your relationship’s communication, collaboration, and both of

your abilities to compromise will be perfected. Studies have outright shown that relationships who also had at least one pet were closer and happier. The couples also had a higher strife and stress tolerance, while also interacting more together as well. [17] It should be mentioned that it is not all sunshine and flowers. You will have less free time in an already hectic daily life. Yes, it does provide opportunities to be together, but overall your time will shrink even further. Likewise, you have to consider the expenses of getting a pet, from VET visits, to vaccinations, to just plain pet food.

Understanding each other’s values & beliefs Everyone has their core values that they possess and are proud of. Think of your beliefs and values, what do you stand for? What won’t you stand for? What are your religious, parental, and relationship values? Yes it can be true that opposites attract, however your partner should understand and respect your values, if they do not share the same beliefs as you. This is extremely important, because a lack of respect for your values means that there is not a basic platform of respect and support in your relationship. A 1999 study on marriage and happiness found that couples that agree with one another’s values argued less in their relationship, and found their marriage to be more enjoyable. [18] Values and beliefs can define us and finding positivity in one another’s values can bring you closer together. This same study found that shared beliefs and values are important and essential for quality and stability for many types of couples; dating, cohabiting, married, and remarried couples. [18] The opposite effect can likely cause strain and frustration in couples. It is also normal to not agree on every belief that our partner has, that would be unrealistic to assume so. If you or your partner find yourself disagreeing on one of your values, start small, and try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Ask them to describe why they believe in this certain value. Sometimes, hearing it from your partner can open your mind to what they mean. If you still do not agree, that is okay. But ask yourself if you can understand. Simply understanding one’s values is a great start in your relationship. If you can commit to this, you can understand and accept your partner wholeheartedly. You can always peacefully agree to disagree. Couples that share commitment and dedication to one another are bound for success and happiness. Wants & Needs By understanding yourself, you understand the other. By understanding yourself, you know what you like and what you don’t like. Identifying your own wants and needs is paramount to a healthy relationship because then you can inform what your wants and needs are. But let’s put a pause in here. Because what is a want and what is a need. A need is something endemic to you as a person – it is a central value that defines who you are and what you

are not, and under no means possible, are you going to skim on it. Whereas a want is something you treasure, but they are not the things you would take to your grave. Within negotiation tactics a central concept of BATNA and ZOPA are reigning supreme. BATNA is an acronym for Best Alternative To Negotiated Agreement, and ZOPA is an acronym for Zone Of Possible Agreement. This is very academic, so let’s explains this in a metaphor. See yourself standing in a field of natural beauty facing your partner a way away, also standing and looking at you. Down at your feet an extended rope lays with different tied knots on it. Hanging from each of these knots are a piece of small paper, tied into the knot, stating your value. Behind you are all the knots that are your needs – these you will under no circumstances tie up and release the piece of value-paper. But all the knots on the rope in-front of you are your want-knots, these you can compromise on, change, and adapt based on the circumstance. Now, notice that your partner also has a similar rope on the ground, although with different values tied to their knot. The main point of this is for your ropes to be tied together, and for your knots to meet and adapt together, allowing compromise and agreeableness.

The point is now that each of you go to your end of the rope and begin to walk towards each other to meet. At a certain point you will meet and begin to walk past. And in the walking past of each other, your want knots will begin to collide and there is when your communication begins. However far or near to each other you are, is your ZOPA, or Zone Of Possible Agreement. So now you can begin to compromise and sync up your lives together, as one harmonious rope.

5 SMALL TECHNIQUES WITH A BIG IMPACT Allow yourself to see things from your partners perspective and vice versa; zoom out and put yourself in their shoes

This is a great skill to practice and to have in a relationship. It is not always easy to see things outside of your perspective. But it is necessary and leads to love, understanding, and empathy. When you are able to understand your partner’s perspective, you provide understanding and knowledge, rather than judgement. So many arguments and disagreements can be avoided just by each person simply listening and understanding the perspective. This does not mean agreeing with the perspective – just understanding it. Uncover your blind spots, disregard any preconceived notions that you may have about your partner and what they may say. Truly shifting your perspective means listening to your partner even when you disagree. You don’t have to agree with them per se, however simply acknowledging how they’re feeling will go very far in terms of a healthy relationship. The two points “Understand each other’s values & beliefs” in chapter four, and “Hear & Repeat each other” in chapter two gives out a quick and practical tip to enhance ones understanding of the other’s perspective if that is something that is a recurring complication in your relationship.

See when you connect and adopt this view into your relationship, you begin to go away from perceiving the other’s perspective as a distorted version of reality and see it as that is what makes them unique. This is what

makes them special from everyone else on the street and on the dating apps. You start to appreciate their views and begin to see that it could even be that those views that are the reason why you love them. All the way back to ancient Greece we have the pivotal thinker Plato. Why are we talking about an ancient and paramount philosopher even in our time, in a book about relationship tips and advice – you’ll see.

Plato had a breakdown of what love consisted of and how it morphed for us as humans. It is called ‘Plato’s Ladder of Love’ – we will modify it a bit to make more sense in a modern optic. It begins with physical attraction, you inevitably saw your partner on an app, across the bar floor, or known about them since childhood. In any case, here you were physically attracted to your partner – their physical traits and features were something you wanted. Second, when you realize that physical attraction is just that, physical attraction and a myriad of other attractive people are out there, you begin to fall in love with their mind, their personality. Over time you realize that personality is way more unique and that is what takes you from just being attracted to now in love with this person. Then the third kind of love comes in the actions and perspectives your partner has. And here is where this tip comes in. See this third kind of love transcends your love for each other and connects you at a deeper level. Making you more resilient. It reorients your larger perspective to not seeing your partner’s viewpoints as bad or only to self-serve your own beliefs. But actually it opens up avenues to understand your partner at a deeper level.

The last one, just to have it in there, is the unspoken love between you. Now this can become dangerous, because this does not mean to stop trying and revert to a status quo. But unspoken love is the love you see elderly people have in just sitting silently with each other. Not uttering a word between each other, but almost able to read their minds.

Likewise, point “Wants & Needs” chapter four, also deals with

perspectives. Although in a different light. There you learn to agree on which perspectives and values should overlap with yours, and which ones needs to be adopted by the other to make your relationship run smoothly.

Here it is about understanding and seeing your partner’s perspective. It can be difficult to do this, so feel free to start small. Reflect over the span of your relationship up until now, yes, from the very first date or meeting. Your partner has expressed their beliefs, thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs. But did you listen to them? Did you absorb them? Do you understand them? Attentive listening is a matured skill to acquire and not all can do this. If you need to ask your partner or reiterate a belief or perspective that you simply missed out on, admit it and ask if your partner can do it again. Think about it. What is the worst thing you have done or said or thought in your whole life – let’s just say your top 10. Do you feel like you can tell your partner this without judgment, but rather with understanding? Do you think your partner can tell theirs to you? If not, then this point could be worked on.

Laugh together as friends – the foundation of a relationship is friendship Have you ever heard the saying “My partner is my best friend?” Well, there is something to this. Friendship matters! But why is friendship in a relationship so important? A bond between 2 people must have a solid foundation. It is true that physical attraction alone is not enough of a true bond, it will diminish over time and does not keep people together. Meaningful conversations, laughter, empathy, support, and conflict resolution is all a part of a friendship. Now it also sounds like a very healthy relationship doesn’t it? And that is the key. Dating and marriage is hard work, anyone will confirm this. There will be occasional tension and bad days. But what makes it all worth it after this? A solid foundation of friendship that truly holds the relationship together. Having a strong friendship doesn’t mean that you only treat each other like friends, or that you have to hang out all of the time. It also doesn’t mean that you must have the same exact hobbies or interests. Now let’s get into some research to further back this up. Purdue University conducted 2 studies to find out the secret to a longlasting relationship, and the findings were very interesting. In the first study, 190 students who were in a relationship for at least 18 months were asked to fill out surveys measuring the amount of involvement and dedication they had invested in the relationship, and also what they wanted for the future. [3] After a couple of months, the students were checked in on by the researchers. The results showed that 27% were not with the same partner as they had when they first conducted the study. The results of the study showed that the students that scored high in the relationship section, also scored high in other sections such as love, commitment, and sexual satisfaction [3]. Even more interesting, these students were still with their partner. In the second study, 184 students who were in a relationship for 16 months were asked to rate how much they value things in their relationship such as security, companionship, self-improvement, sex, and others, all on a

scale of 1-9*. The results showed that students who rated the need for friendship also scored higher for romantic and sexual success, compared to other students who rated more on individual needs [3]. The results may or may not be surprising to you, but they are most definitely telling. A strong friendship in the relationship and valuing the friendship can be a predictor for a successful and long-lasting relationship. The results also showed that true friendship in relationships led to higher satisfaction in other emotions and areas of the relationship. Moments of laughter are also quite important. Numerous studies have shown that couples who laugh together often are generally happier and have lower rates of breakups or divorce. Laughing and reminiscing together creates a stronger bond. So go ahead and crack those jokes together or watch that funny movie with each other! You know the saying “Laughter is the best medicine”? There may be some truth to that. Let’s look more into this. Laughter is a natural antidepressant. It releases endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, aka our feel-good chemicals in our brain. It just feels good to laugh. Laughter also decreases cortisol and adrenaline, aka stress chemicals. And perhaps the most interesting fact, laughter is a natural pain reliever and increases our threshold for pain. Laughter stimulates our lungs and abdominal muscles, so we also get a bit of a workout in there as well. Overall, increasing your laughter and friendship in your relationship is going to bring you closer and enforce your unique bond together.

Talk and reminisce about your bond and good memories Nostalgia is a healthy wonder drug in your relationship! Let’s start with the why. Why is reminiscing so effective in making your relationship stronger and happier? Because it engages your nostalgic moments. This can be done through devices like photos and videos. But here it is all about you two telling each other’s funny, sweet, and just flat-out weird stories. See by doing this you rehash nostalgia and nostalgia is a wonder drug for your well-being, and ergo, your relationship’s well-being. For one, nostalgia was found in 2013 to establish a stronger barrier against difficult situations and challenging times. While it also was found in this 2013 study that your general positivity about the future was increased. So, by reminiscing your nostalgic moments in your relationship, it will literally make your mindset more positive in the present, and your expectations about your future relationship as well. In other words, all relationships have a positive past, obviously, otherwise there wouldn’t be a relationship. So, talk about it – laugh about it. In doing so it makes your present more positive, and your future by extension more positive. Because it sets up a kind of defense against trying times, even trying times that happened in the past. It even is so effective that it was found in a new experiment that practitioners of nostalgia actually have a higher physical pain tolerance, even people that struggle with chronic pain. Nostalgia is indeed a wonder drug. [6–8] To fully get a grasp of how effective this is, another study in 2012 found that the colder and darker months makes your nostalgic feelings even stronger. No, it is not what you might think – even though spooky Halloween stories and Christmas flavored hot cocoa are delicious. It is because of the contrast between the feeling of being cold and dark were higher with the positive associations and feelings you get in reminiscing nostalgic moments. Effectively heightening the positivity, you get from nostalgia. [9]

What this essentially means is that in trying times in your relationship, find a moment where you two are alone and in a chilly and dark room – I

recommend the bedroom at night while the window is open – and begin to talk about funny, intimate, and happy stories from the beginning of your relationship. Trust me it works wonders! Some speculate that the reason why we feel nostalgic at night goes all the way back to our hunter-gatherer days. During this period, our ancestors likely told stories around a fire. Stories about home, their loved ones, and all the memories that accompanied their life. This likely boosted the moral of the hunters, giving them hope and positivity, which strengthened the relational bond within the tribe and kept them going which ultimately led to you reading this right now. Nostalgia is pretty amazing, huh? And no, it does not ultimately fix the trying time you have or the conflict present between you two. But it primes you both into a better state where you can deal with it together. But there is a catch! Because in the rehashing of the good times, it can be a reminder that those good times that have passed. Not in that it is linked with negativity, but in the feeling of acceptance that what is past is in the past. It can therefore still be a good thing, but it can lead to some difficult conversations, if the relationship really is in dire straits.

Spend quality time with yourself! A small break from your partner can be refreshing Take a walk by yourself, go to the gym, listen to music, spend time with your friends, and by doing this, it can make your partner miss you a bit, which is healthy. Balance “me” and “we” time when you can. It is important to stay an “individual” while in a relationship, so that you don’t lose yourself, or spend all your time with just your partner. This is especially an important point during this 2020 and 2021 lockdown. If you spend every waking and sleeping hour together you can start to lose yourself. Which just means you need your alone time. Now if by given the choice you or your partner chooses to be alone all the time, or almost all the time, then that is the point where a conversation between each other needs to be had. Or in certain cases a couple’s therapist can be beneficial to unwrap the intricacies of the complications. The first step is to not be ashamed about your alone time and treat it as something both of you do. It doesn’t mean harm, it is not a mystery, it is just alone time that you or your partner needs. If anything, if it is not talked about or stated beforehand, then it can become a problem. And may even reflect a deeper issue in your relationship and should be addressed. Because this reverting to alone time without stating it could be a sign of escaping the relationship. Another marker to look out for is how you are feeling when your partner is on their alone time, or maybe out with friends. Do you feel neglected? If yes, then why? Is it something with you or with them? The main point is that alone time shouldn’t take away that your partner should still remain and be a significant part of both of your lives.

See self-intimacy or self-reflection, is taking stock of who you are, who you have been, and where you are going. And this is usually only done when alone and while doing something you love. Just like your relationshipintimacy of transparency and vulnerability together with your partner. Selfintimacy is to stop the lies that you tell yourself based on what society wants or what your work wants. What do you want? What fears are limiting you in

what you want to achieve? What are the barriers that prevent you from achieving what you want? Are they internal or external? As you know how the old adage goes ‘the first step to solving a problem is to admit that there is one.’ The last quick tip is to find the time to self-reflect, try to wake up a bit earlier on the weekend to just sit and think with your coffee and the morning sun. Or, drive to a secluded place to just sit and relax.

Talk about exciting things you want to do with them in the future Talking about all the fun and exciting things you want to do with your partner makes them feel included, wanted, and appreciated. Think about what you want for the future. Do you want to buy a home with them? Do you want to have children with them? Do you want to travel with them? There is excitement in talking about the future with your partner, as it also gives you something to look forward to together. It allows you to see past the day-today routine. The future can obviously be scary and uncertain not just for ourselves, but for our relationships. Talking about positive future plans that include our partners is comforting and reassuring. Share your ambitions and goals with one another. This can lead to an increase in stability and compatibility. Ask your partner what they want for the future and when they would want it. When most people make goals, they make them for themselves. But setting a goal with your partner increases your bond and gives you that extra support and motivation in going forward. In a healthy relationship, you should feel included in their life and their future.

Try to go to bed at the same time Falling asleep together, preferably skin to skin or while cuddling is a great bonding technique. As babies, we need that skin-to-skin touch and cuddles, so that we form a close bond to our parents. It is no different when we are adults in relationships. Try to put your phones and electronics down and just focus on one another. Talk about your day, or whatever is on your mind. Or, simply just hold one another and enjoy the moment. There may come a time when you or your partner may regret not spending alone time together, and the last feeling you want is regret. Sleeping next to your partner in an embrace is not only comforting, but once again, those beautiful chemicals are being released in your brain when doing so, oxytocin and serotonin respectively. A study conducted in Germany, researched 12 couples in a sleep research lab. [10] The purpose of the study was to observe how the couples slept apart and together. Technology was used to determine the quality of their sleep. The results showed that couples who slept next to each other had better quality sleep and less disrupted sleep, compared to when they were sleeping alone. Now, you do not necessarily have to go to bed at the same time every night of the week, I understand that is not always practical. However, it is important to vocalize your feelings to one another if you or your partner feel alone or lonely when you are not sleeping together at the same time. If you simply cannot go to bed at the same time, try to find other times to cuddle and lay down together.

It is also proven in multiple studies, that couples who sleep at the same time typically have more sex and intimacy than those who go to sleep at different hours. Differences in bedtimes are not necessarily a problem, but it is important to have that one-on-one time together with no distractions. Prioritize a good night’s sleep as often as possible and try to not sleep

when angry! A study published in the journal “Nature Communications”, proved the negative results of couples who go to sleep when angry. [10] They found that when you go to sleep following fighting with a partner, the negative memory of the fight can actually stay in your brain for longer, and the memory was more likely to stay in your long-term memory in your brain. These are incredible results that show the correlation between arguments and sleep. Next time an argument arises, attempt to resolve it before you sleep, as this can clearly help with not retaining negative emotions in your long-term memory.

Take more photos together We are lucky enough to live in a generation where we can take photos anytime and anywhere, take advantage of this! Memorabilia can be recorded in both videos and in photos. Just look at any person’s iPhoto or Google Photos and you will realize ones need to immortalize moments. But in a lot of cases they are photos of scenery, pets, your children, or the like. Try to prioritize photos of you two together. Even create a favorite album with the best photos, and you could possibly get them professionally printed and put on the wall. This trick makes you on a cold, rainy fall Sunday, go down your photo albums and see the favorite album you created. You decide to open it up and become bombarded with positive nostalgic triggers. It has even been found that nostalgic feelings links with your reward center and engages with your memory as well. [11,12] So, the act of doing this will prolong the nice memories you have together and overall create a happier relationship. Now if you want to take it to the next level. Talk about which artistic style each of you prefer and land on a painting style that both of you like. Then reach out to artists and see how much they would charge for a painting of the one perfect photo of you, painted in that style. Then buy a frame and hang it in a special place. What this does is that it creates a memory; it makes you talk and agree on a style and home decoration; and it makes both of you look at this with positive associations. All off these actions will create a feedback loop into a general happier relationship.

Remind yourself why you chose your partner What was it that initially drew you to them? What made them different from others? How did they make you feel? Think back to the beginning of your relationship and feel those feelings; remember that strong connection. There will inevitably come a time where you may argue or disagree with your partner, and you may think to yourself “Why am I with them? They make me so angry”. This is normal to feel this in the heat of the moment. Now you can give into this negative thinking and find reasons as to why you couldn’t or shouldn’t be with your partner, or you can go a different route. When the anger or frustration passes, you can think clearly again and remember all of the great qualities that your partner has, which made you choose them in the first place. Focusing on why you love them, no matter what, can help you to get out of any negative thinking about them. Because truthfully, there will be rough times, and that is why it is so important to have that solid foundation of friendship and trust, so that your relationship will not fall apart after an argument. It should be said that remembering why we love our partner will not solve your conflicts or issues, but it will give you a calming affect when trying to solve the problems. It is also important that your partner also thinks of this when there are trying times.

Go for a walk in nature with your partner Not only is walking beneficial to your health, but it boosts your mental health as well! Bond with your partner in beautiful surrounds, and you’ll be surprised at how your positivity increases. It is proven many times that walking and being in nature increases cognitive functions, decreases stress and anxiety, and makes you more resilient against strife. By doing this with your partner, this opens ample opportunities to converse about everything between heaven and earth. Enjoy the uninterrupted conversations and focus on the present moment. This can also make you experience something new together, breaking up the humdrum of everyday life. Likewise, it brings exercise to both of you and provides you with more energy, which translates to higher patience, which aids communication. See how such a small act a couple of times a week can cascade into a healthier relationship. Watch and enjoy the nature, put your phones down, and enjoy the simple things! As we know, many businesses are still closed, so walking in a beautiful area is not only free, but easy to access. Your cortisol level drops after just a few minutes of walking outside, and they stay lowered. [14] A study in 2016 found that walking boosted a person’s mood, and helped them to feel more energized. [15] The conversations during these walks can create long lasting memories. As you can see, there are plenty of benefits surrounding this simple action. I highly encourage it for a healthier relationship!

6 WHAT NOT TO DO Don’t hold grudges Have you ever heard the proverb “pick your battles”? A healthy couple knows when to pick their battles, and when to let stuff go. If we held onto everything that bothers us about our partners, we would never be happy. Likewise, to keep the Asian theme going of proverbs, there is a pottery concept in Japan called Kintsugi. What Kintsugi means, is to repair cracks or shattered plates, statues, or the like with silver or gold. Essentially so that the cracks not only get healed and repaired, but the vase has now been healed and bettered through the Kintsugi. I am pretty sure you know where I am going with this. Holding on to grudges, even after the issue had been addressed, your relationship vase is still solid, but there is still a clear crack in the middle. And in holding a grudge you choose to see the crack every time the opportunity presents itself. Holding onto grudges is like holding tightly onto a rugged rope. Eventually you will feel hurt and damaged. And some individuals can hold onto a grudge for a lifetime. Holding onto anger is no way to live your life. Having a grudge means that you cannot or will not move past an upsetting event. Research even shows that repeating a bad event or memory in our mind can actually cause our body physical pain!

So how can you metaphorically fix your cracks with gold? There is no one solution that will work for every couple, but these are the steps that you can take to get started in taking your power back and not being

a continued victim to the lingering grudge. 1. Acknowledge the grudge and all feelings that come with it. Everything you’re feeling is valid 2. Initiate proper communication with your partner about addressing it, if they already have not 3. Listen to your partner’s perspective, it may surprise you 4. Go into the conversation with the intention of forgiveness 5. Understand and explain to your partner that forgiveness does not equal acceptance 6. Negotiate a solution, so a future grudge does not take place 7. Embrace letting go

Let’s touch upon another important topic. The golden 80/20 rule. What this rule is, is that only 20 percent of the time, it is “acceptable” for your relationship to have negative moments, as long as the other 80 percent are happy and tender moments. The main point here is that the 80 percent makes up for the 20 percent. In these situations, you pick your battles, and see that battling for 20 percent is plain just not worth it. Now, 90/10 is the golden standard. This isn’t exceptionally common, so don’t feel too bad if your relationship doesn’t fall into these analytics. If your breakdown is something along the lines of 75/25 then that is also okay. It will require more fixing and less holding grudges – but many relationships can easily happily work this way. I have even seen in my professional career that some will portray and live with a 50/50 breakdown. This should not work, but both partners simply just do not take the 50 percent bad stuff to heart and chooses, successfully, to focus on the 50 percent good stuff. In these kinds of relationships, tension and conflict are the norm, but both thrive and are happy in this kind of relationship.

Negativity and complaining activates the ‘emotional brain’ aka the amygdala, and releases a stress hormone called cortisol Negativity can be a tempting trap to fall into - it is easy to tread into the hamster wheel of complaining about things that bother us. And it makes sense, life isn’t fair, work is tough, and people can get on our nerves. It’s normal to vent on occasion and complain, but often we can take it too far, sometimes without even realizing it. But do you find yourself in a bad mood every day? Do you focus only on the bad things in life? The truth is, not many people want to be around someone who is always negative and complaining. And this absolutely influences relationships. So what happens in our brain when we are complaining and being negative? Let’s have a look at some statistics. The research is quite interesting. During a typical conversation, individuals will complain approximately once per minute. [2] Once per minute! And most likely we do not even realize that we’re doing this. When you are talking with someone, remember this statistic and see if it rings true. It is speculated we complain because it feels so good to us. But like many other things that feel good to us, it isn’t exactly healthy. So let’s take a look at what exactly is happening in our brains when we are complaining. When you continue a behavior or habit, such as being negative or complaining, your neurons in your brain branch out to each other to ease information channels. [2] Aka, you are more likely to repeat this behavior. You are less likely to be positive because it is not your normal behavior. Not only does complaining damage your relationships, but it also damages your brain. It was even found that in 2016, that the more you complain, the more your brain is affected into being less critical and worse at problem solving. A damaging effect that would show its consequences not only in your relationship, but beyond as well. [2] Now let’s go back to the stress hormone cortisol. Your brain releases cortisol when you are upset and complaining. Cortisol will put your mind and body into fight-or-flight mode, and you are then in a high stress emotional state. Excess cortisol in the body over time will take its toll on you. You are more susceptible to serious, chronic illnesses. Think about a high stress

person in your life, or a complainer. They will likely often discuss their high blood pressure or chronic migraines. Who knew that complaining could put you at so many risks? We have spoken about the neurological and physical effects of this, now let’s have a look at how it can directly affect your relationship with your partner. If you are not a smoker, would you enjoy being around a smoker and inhaling their second-hand fumes constantly? You can see where I’m going with this. Being around individuals who are in a constant state of negativity is like being around the toxic fumes of cigarette smoke. Eventually the complainer will be left alone. In a relationship, this can mean a breakup or divorce. It can diminish the love, gratitude, and joy in your relationship. Not only this, but it can cause the other person to mirror and reflect our bad behavior, meaning there are now two times the amount of negativity in the relationship. This can create a vicious cycle that is difficult to escape. If you believe you or your partner are stuck in this rut of complaining, there are a couple of practical steps that you can take right now in order to reverse it. 1. Become more open minded 2. Find the root cause of your complaints 3. Create a healthy way to vent when you feel the urge to complain 4. Seek gratitude and enjoy the positives in your life 5. Start a journal or diary

It’s okay to say no sometimes, don’t focus on being a people pleaser A huge amount of people cannot or will not say no to others. They may feel guilt or pressure within themselves where they do not want to “let people down”. In reality, what this does to you is exhaust you mentally. It is normal to not want to let others down, however it should not come at the expense of your happiness. People pleasers tend to have deep and hidden anger, resentment, and codependency. Sometimes, all you need to hear is “It’s okay to say no without feeling guilty”. Some people pleasers have never even considered this. If you are tired of constantly saying yes, especially if you think you’re being taken advantage of, start saying no. People pleasing in relationships tend to lead to codependency and an imbalance of effort in the relationship. Allow yourself to feel independence in your relationship to a certain extent. Sometimes saying no allows you to value yourself and your time even more. When you are not focusing on always saying yes, this means that you have more time to prioritize yourself and this allows you to be honest with your partner and others. You will be honest about what you want, and what you are willing to do for others. This brings a level of authenticity to yourself and your relationship, and may even give you more confidence than you had before. Try saying no more often, in a polite manner, and see how you feel. You may find that others start to guilt trip you when that happens, and that can be an indicator of an unhealthy person.

Identify any neediness/jealousy in the relationship and squash it Occasional jealousy and neediness are common in relationships, don’t worry. But if this is a recurrent problem, it should definitely be addressed and spoken about. When you or your partner are constantly jealous, that is a huge sign of insecurity and that something is not right. Assuming your partner is healthy and does not intentionally makes you jealous, then there is no real reason why jealousy should be a theme in your relationship. If there is, it must first be communicated and out in the open. Honesty is absolutely necessary in order to get to the reason behind the jealousy or excessive neediness. Talk to your partner about where the jealousy came from. Look at the triggers or traumas that each of you may have. Look into your past if you must, but don’t live there and hold onto it. If you have been hurt in the past, compare your now healthier relationship to that, and talk about how it is different. Sometimes jealousy can be escalated by our own minds and our own insecurities, and this often isn’t the reality of the situation. Again, don’t worry if you have felt this at times, it is natural! But let’s take a step back and look at it from a distance. Make sure that you and your partner both feel heard. Ask one another if the jealousy is valid and justified. Try speaking without an angry tone so as to not escalate the situation. For example, if your partner is going out for the night with some friends, how do you feel? Does your mind race and think of the absolute worst? As you’re thinking of a scenario in your head, I want you to try to actively guide that scenario into a positive one. Excessive neediness can be just as damaging as jealousy for a relationship. It can be exhausting when someone is constantly seeking attention and validation from the other. This also can tilt the relationship into the direction of one person putting in more effort than the other. The underlying issue behind the need for attention and validation has to be acknowledged and healed. Perhaps you did not receive affection or attention in your previous relationship, or maybe you don’t have much self-esteem. You will see a recurrent theme in this book about addressing traumas and triggers so that you do not carry them into your relationship and have them

affect another person. But mainly, the goal is that you yourself are healed and whole, so you can be complete and confident with yourself most importantly, and in your relationship.

Don’t keep score “Keeping score” refers to when someone keeps a mental notepad of all the things they have done for you, such as favors. The reason why this is considered unhealthy is because when arguments and anger arise, people tend to refer to that list of things they have done, and use it in a way to gain the upper hand or to guilt you. The purpose of doing favors for someone is not to bring it up later, but to genuinely help someone in their time of need. It doesn’t feel good for anyone when things are brought up in order to hurt you. There are many examples of keeping score that may sound familiar to you. For example, you or your partner may say something like “I walked the dog three times today and you didn’t”, or “I always am the one to initiate communication, you never do”, and so on and so forth. Now this isn’t exactly wrong, and there is no blame here if you find yourself or your partner doing this. However this is a perfect storm for resentment and frustration. It sets you up to see your partner negatively. It’s actually incredibly common, and why do we do it? Let’s take a look. If we feel that something is unfair in our relationship, we are likely to vocalize it, which is quite normal. When we start keeping score, that is us essentially counting the times that we were “wronged”, and we believe this puts us in an emotional superior position. We expect the other person to right the wrongs, and this puts us in a defensive state. The more angry or defensive someone is, the more likely they are to approach communication in a negative manner. While it’s totally understandable to bring up something that seems unfair, don’t allow yourself or your partner to keep score of what has been done.

Will your relationship (or any relationship) be totally 50/50 and equal? Likely not. Perfection is not to be strived for. But if both partners focus on giving, then there will be equality in the relationship, and keeping score won’t even matter in the long run. The goal is to draw each other in, closer and closer and not lose your special bond that your relationship runs on.

Thank you so much for reading or listening to my book, it means a lot. If you have gotten this far, I hope you have learned something and can truly apply these techniques to your relationship. If you are interested in other books written by me, you can sign up to get an email alert when a new book comes out. Don’t worry, I do not spam. Likewise, by signing up, you will receive a free Body Language document. And as always, if you have a question or want to reach out to me, feel free to email me at [email protected]

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