Working with Boys: Creating Cultures of Mutual Respect in Schools 9781032319544, 9781032319551, 9781003312123

Table of contents :
Cover
Endorsements
Half Title
Title
Copyright
Contents
About the author
Foreword
About this book
Acknowledgements
Part One
1 The problem ...
2 What boys fear most
3 Who's on top?
4 Humour is no laughing matter
5 Masculinity and the age of loss of innocence
6 Motivating boys
7 Competition and fear of failure
8 Listening to the pupil voice
9 Guided Reflection
X Pornography
11 Football!
12 PE teachers
13 Parental attitudes
Part Two
Introduction
Starter
Lesson One
Banter
Hierarchies
Humour
Humiliation
Anger
Behaviour types
Self-regulation
Crying and emotional expression
Football
Jostling and consent
Competition
Lifestyle choices
Part Three
Auditing
Afterword
Index

Citation preview

“This book doesn’t pull any punches as it describes how our current strategies for nurturing, encouraging and attempting to motivate boys are failing. It explores why and suggests practical strategies for how we can address and improve the situation, encouraging boys to embrace ‘gentle’ masculinity in preference to ‘sour’ masculinity. This is a brave book. It’s also potentially life changing.” Dr Jill Berry – Educationalist “This is a much-needed book and the timing is perfect. There is too much toxic masculinity in society and I am hopeful this book will make people rethink.” Marylin Hawes – Founder of Freedom From Abuse “Hampton writes as if he is in my head; it’s incredible.” Sam Browne – Year 13, Southend High School for Boys

Working With Boys

When peer-on-peer sexual abuse becomes commonplace in schools, society has a problem. The toxic attitudes and behaviour some boys display towards girls and women begin with the way those boys relate to each other, especially in school. This book offers an in-depth analysis of the problems facing boys and gives teachers the tools to help boys create relational cultures that are mutually respectful. Part One of the book looks at how boys relate to each other and how that affects the way they relate to girls and women. Part Two outlines a programme that can be delivered, lesson by lesson, to pupils aged 9 to 18. The programme covers specific lesson topics that can be adapted for different age groups, including: • • • • • • •

Anger Banter Fear of humiliation Boy hierarchies Jostling and consent Crying and emotional expression Lifestyle choices

Working with Boys is a whole-school, iterative programme of study that uses guided reflection to empower boys to self-regulate their attitudes and behaviour. This book is essential reading for school leaders and teachers who want to promote a school environment in which boys are consistently principled, honourable, noble, trustworthy, upright and dignified. Andrew hampton was a headteacher for 18 years and taught PSHE and Music for 35 years. His award-winning approach for supporting girls’ friendships in school – ‘Girls on Board’ – has been adopted by thousands of teachers and hundreds of schools all over the world.

Working With Boys Creating Cultures of Mutual Respect in Schools

Andrew Hampton

Designed cover image: © Getty Images First published 2023 by Routledge 4 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon, OX14 4RN and by Routledge 605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158 Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business © 2023 Andrew Hampton The right of Andrew Hampton to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN: 978-1-032-31954-4 (hbk) ISBN: 978-1-032-31955-1 (pbk) ISBN: 978-1-003-31212-3 (ebk) DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123 Typeset in Interstate by Apex CoVantage, LLC

Contents

About the author Foreword by Dr Emily Setty About this book Acknowledgements

Part one

ix x xii xiv

1

1 the problem . . .

3

2 What boys fear most

8

3 Who’s on top?

15

4 humour is no laughing matter

20

5 Masculinity and the age of loss of innocence

25

6 Motivating boys

30

7 Competition and fear of failure

34

8 Listening to the pupil voice

37

9 guided reflection

41

X Pornography

45

Football!

48

12 Pe teachers

51

13 Parental attitudes

53

11

viii

Contents

Part two

57

introduction

59

starter

62

Lesson one

64

Banter

67

hierarchies

70

humour

72

humiliation

74

Anger

77

Behaviour types

80

self-regulation

84

Crying and emotional expression

87

Football

89

Jostling and consent

92

Competition

94

Lifestyle choices

97

Part three

101

Auditing

103

Afterword Index

107 109

ABout the Author

Andrew Hampton is a former Headteacher with 18 years’ experience of leading coeducational, non-selective schools with pupils from age 2 to age 16. Born and raised in the North of England but educated in the South, Andrew worked as an actor, musician and composer before entering the teaching profession, initially as a clarinet and saxophone teacher, one day a week. After 10 years as a Head of Music in North London, Andrew took up his first headship in Nottingham, staying for 4 years before heading south again to Essex where he led a school for 14 years. The school Andrew led in Essex won national awards and recognition for mental health and wellbeing initiatives along with a TES prize for Community Integration. In 2017, Andrew founded ‘Girls on Board’, a unique initiative which trains teachers to empower girls to navigate for themselves the choppy waters of friendships. This awardwinning approach has been featured in the Times Educational Supplement and on BBC Radio 5 Live. Andrew has worked closely with the National Education Union to promote this training, which has now been adopted by many hundreds of schools across the UK and the world. In 2021, with his two grownup daughters, Andrew co-wrote a book for parents of daughters called When Girls Fall Out, based on the ‘Girls on Board’ approach. Andrew studied at the Open University for his M.Ed. in Educational Leadership and Management, and at the London Institute for Education for his NPQH. He is a Fellow of the Royal Society for the Arts.

ForeWord dr emily setty, senior Lecturer in Criminology, university of surrey

Following the exposure of pervasive and normalised sexual harassment and abuse in schools and colleges in England, there has been an increasing emphasis on supporting young people to have consensual and healthy relationships. These efforts have focused mainly on primary preventative education (e.g., through Relationships and Sex Education (RSE) in schools) and wider ‘whole school approaches’ that seek to model and embed ethical and respectful behaviour and relationships across all aspects of school policy, practice, and protocol. While potentially laudable, it is evident to me from my interactions with local and national stakeholders (including educators in schools, RSE specialists, and government officials, as well as young people and parents) that achieving significant and sustainable change has, and continues to be, a challenge. There is a question, for example, about whether we are expecting too much from RSE; can we, essentially, educate our way to solving the problem, a problem that is undoubtedly societal and systemic in nature and probably beyond the capacity for schools to resolve alone, not least in light of well-documented constraints on time, resources, and expertise within schools. There is a further issue pertaining to the target of change. Typically, the problem is framed in terms of relational and sexual behaviours by boys perpetrated toward girls, that are rooted within normative heterosexual masculinity cultures. Solving the problem has, therefore, become about addressing so-called ‘toxic masculinity’ and inspiring better attitudes and behaviours among boys, while encouraging girls to identify and report experiences of harassment and abuse. While it is important to avoid reifying heteronormative and gendered perspectives on youth relational and sexual culture, my research in schools (and that of others) indicates that sexual harassment and abuse, of all forms along the continuum of sexual violence, often does emerge from boys’ peer group dynamics and is detrimental to the rights and freedoms of girls. I and others argue that the goal must be to transform masculine peer cultures, but in partnership with boys and in ways that do not unduly problematise masculinity and recognise its fluidity. I have observed first-hand the resentment and backlash that can emerge among some boys in response. For example, many of the boys with whom I have spoken have described feeling what they consider to be an unjust burden of risk and responsibility for establishing consensual and healthy interactions and relationships with girls in the post- #MeToo and Everyone’s Invited context. For some, their perspectives have coalesced around hostility toward girls and a narrative of being at risk of ‘false accusations’ of harassment and abuse, narratives that are propagated in some online cultures in which they are participating.

Foreword

xi

Whether or not these perspectives are valid is, perhaps, less the issue. Of course, it is well established that false accusations are rare and that girls continue to be adversely affected by harassment and abuse notwithstanding the spotlight that has been shone on the issue. More important, I’d argue, are the underlying feelings that have led to these perspectives, feelings that Working with Boys outlines in detail. Most of the boys who have participated in my research studies indicate feelings of inexperience and uncertainty in heterosexual relations with girls; girls almost occupy a symbolic figure within their male peer groups through which they bond with each other and express normative masculine heterosexuality. They themselves can often pinpoint how wider peer group dynamics may increase the risk of nonconsensual or unhealthy behaviours or interactions, yet often feel powerless. They certainly display the ability to internalise educational messages about what constitutes consent and healthy relationships, but skills and emotional literacy (or lack of) prevents such knowledge from translating into behaviour and attitude change, as do persistent social norms and sexual scripts about risk and responsibility in heterosexual contexts. In light of these concerns, Working with Boys offers a much-needed practical and evidencebased insight into how to address the problems that we know exist within youth relational and sexual culture in ways that engage with and tackle the deep-rooted causes and contexts at play. Namely, the relationships that boys have with one another and through which their attitudes and beliefs are formed and come to manifest in their treatment of girls. Working with Boys offers a unique perspective through its de-emphasis on specific behaviours toward and interactions with girls among boys in favour of engaging with boys’ socio-emotional experiences and developmental processes within their male peer groups. I am of the growing view that educating about the legal definition and/or affirmative model of consent and the ‘virtues’ that are thought to comprise healthy relationships is likely to have little impact on sexual harassment and abuse. Perhaps counterintuitive, but, essentially, I’d argue that individuals (male or female) do not commit or normalise harassment or abuse because they don’t know the law about consent (documented cases of sexual offending by those in the highest positions of power around the world demonstrate this not to be the case) or because they don’t realise that it is potentially unhealthy (although, I’d add the caveat that unhealthy behaviours can be normalised by young people as representing love or care). Instead, I’d suggest that we need to start equipping young people with the social and emotional skills and literacy required to navigate their peer cultures safely, ethically, and respectfully while, as Working with Boys underscores, keeping space for pleasure, fun, and excitement, which we know is important for adolescents. Working with Boys provides a realistic and detailed set of justifications and tools for a different – more holistic and youth-centred – approach to, as the title implies, working with boys and the realities of their peer cultures to create change. This change will benefit girls through inspiring more respectful and ethical behaviours and attitudes among boys, while also benefiting boys through providing them with the skills and outlooks they need for happier and less precarious peer cultures. Through its conceptualisation of ‘gentle’ and ‘sour’ masculinity, Working with Boys offers a vision of masculinity that is not inherently problematic and that can, indeed, be part of the solution.

ABout this Book

This book introduces the Working with Boys programme, which is a series of 13 lesson topics designed primarily to be taught in the autumn term of Year 7. The description of the programme – in Part Two – includes ways in which teachers can easily adapt the lessons to suit Years 5 and 6, and also how it can be extended and developed to suit Years 8 and above. The book is divided into three parts. Part one explores the ways in which schools can create cultures of mutual respect amongst pupils. A mirror is held up to life in school which challenges the ways in which teachers go about listening to and guiding boys. In particular, the focus is on understanding the reasons why boys behave badly towards girls – and each other – and what can be done to prevent that behaviour. The solution lies in the application of the Working with Boys programme. Part two explains the Working with Boys programme in detail. Each chapter describes a lesson topic with an explanation of the aims, and an exercise and/or ‘question chain’ to stimulate discussion. Part three contains vital auditing and measuring tools for schools accurately to assess their starting points before introducing the Working with Boys programme, and then measure its effectiveness over time.

stereotyping This book contains many observed truths about gender which are accurate often enough for analysis to be valuable. However, no single observation is true every time and there are always exceptions. The intention is never to stereotype the behaviours or personalities of boys or girls, but to reflect honestly and fearlessly on what happens in the lives of pupils in school in order to understand them better.

it’s about boys The topic of this book is necessarily gendered. It’s about boys. The book acknowledges that certain aspects of human existence are different for girls as opposed to boys. The book argues that friendship, and all the complexities of gendered social interaction, fall into this category. Boys and girls, men and women form bonds, alliances and friendships differently. The book also acknowledges that those pupils whose understanding of their own gender is fluid, questioning, non-binary or trans should be supported in every appropriate way.

About this book

xiii

Audience The book almost exclusively addresses teachers and school leaders in secondary schools. Primary teachers will still gain from reading this book, and in Part Two, which describes lesson outlines in detail, there is guidance on how to adapt each lesson topic for Years 5 and 6. When referring to ‘schools’, the book assumes (for ease of expression) they are coeducational settings. All-boys schools will need to make some minor adjustments to apply all the principles of the Working with Boys programme.

‘teenagers’ The book often refers to teenagers, which is used here to mean pupils aged 11 and over.

ACknoWLedgeMents

There are many people who have helped me arrive at the point at which I felt able to write this book. I am grateful to all the pupils and teachers I have worked with in a 35-year career as a teacher and headteacher. Every conversation I have had in school and every chance I have taken to observe and ponder the lives in school of pupils has fed into my thinking. In particular, I am very grateful for the help and support of various members of the Hampton family: Jenny, my wife; Holly and Naomi, my daughters; Sam, my son and David, my brother. They have all helped hugely to bring the book into being. Andrew Hampton

Part One

1 The problem . . . Rape culture In March 2021 the Everyone’s Invited website gave voice to tens of thousands of girls (and a few boys too) who shared their gut-wrenching stories of sexual abuse by their peers in school, college and university. The stories ranged from bra-strap pinging in Year 6 through to unwanted sexual touching, endless ‘sexting’, and even rape. Society was in uproar. The media picked up mostly on independent schools, because journalists never fail to gloat when things go wrong for that sector. The founder of Everyone’s Invited, Soma Sara, emphasised that abuse was a problem in all schools and that singling out fee-charging schools was missing the point. The government’s response was to make this about punishment and safeguarding. Ofsted did some research which confirmed our worst fears: peer-on-peer sexualised abuse, in many different guises, is absolutely rife in our schools, in our colleges and in our universities. Combined with the revelations of the #MeToo movement and Laura Bates’s Everyday Sexism Project, it turns out that this kind of abuse is actually pretty much everywhere you look, in schools and beyond into adult life. Rape culture abounds. This definition of rape culture is taken from the Everyone’s Invited website: [Rape culture exists] when attitudes, behaviours and beliefs in society have the effect of normalising and trivialising sexual violence. This culture includes misogyny, rape jokes, sexual harassment, online sexual abuse (upskirting, non-consensual sharing of intimate photos, cyberflashing), and sexual coercion. When behaviours such as these are normalised this can act as a gateway to more extreme acts such as sexual assault and rape. The stories arising from rape culture contain a constant refrain of abuse, trauma and suffering and their conclusion is often a comment like: ‘We need to have a conversation’, or, ‘Our understanding of boys and men needs to change’, or, ‘How society defines masculinity needs to be revolutionised.’ Worthy as these aims are, the vacuum at their heart is the lack of practical solutions. What are we actually going to do about it? That is not a rhetorical question. It is the question this book will answer. We have to start by acknowledging that the strategies schools use to shape boys’ relational cultures1 are not working. Some of those strategies are literally centuries old and completely embedded in our experience as teachers and what we were familiar with when we were pupils too. We have to let go of some of these ways of educating boys, no matter how treasured they are as ‘traditions’. The way we nurture, encourage and try to motivate boys: is broken and we need to fix it. If you don’t agree then you’d better close the book and move on; or, better still, go and talk to a girl or woman who has been sexually abused in school. See what she thinks. If you are a girl or woman who has been abused in school, here goes: I’m going to do my best.

Everyone’s Invited Were we really all that shocked by the revelations in Everyone’s Invited? Can anyone in education honestly say they had no idea this was happening? We’ve known about sexting for years, we’ve known about grooming, wolf-whistling, and casual abuse online; we’ve known about the dirty-oldman-in-a-raincoat for decades. Why were we so shocked? Perhaps we were so focused on Ofsted grades, and improving results in Maths and English and strengthening Safeguarding that we got distracted. We were so concerned with meeting the targets

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-2

4

The problem . . .

of accountability measures that we couldn’t see the wood for the trees. The techniques we used to check in with the children about how things were going for them were clearly useless – we let them down badly.

Ofsted In response to Everyone’s Invited, Ofsted instructed schools to ‘strengthen’ their Safeguarding and Behaviour policies, by which they meant make sure that this kind of behaviour is specifically described and proscribed. Most schools did that, but largely nothing else. But what could they be doing? That is the question this book seeks to answer: what can schools do to create a culture in which boys do not abuse girls through social media, send them ‘dick-pics’, touch them inappropriately in the lunch queue, or make salacious remarks in class, or smirk when a female teacher bends over? Or rape them.

Understanding relational cultures To understand how schools can do better for girls, we need to understand how school life is for boys. We need to understand how they relate to each other, and how that affects their daily experience. Boys’ relational cultures in school define the way they treat each other and the way they treat girls and women. If we can create cultures of mutual respect amongst boys, much will change. Relational culture is what emerges from the dynamics of multiple individual relationships. We need to examine what happens inside these relationships on a granular level. Boys’ relational cultures take root in what is said between them, and the attitudes their words betray. Below are two examples to illustrate the power of relational culture in school: Two boys, aged 14: Vinny is seeking advice from his friend Joe about asking a girl he likes out for a date. In a mutually respectful relational culture: Vinny: Joe:

Vinny:

I really like Sanya; but what should I do? Vinny, I know mate, I know. She’s lovely and she makes my pulse race too. You should ask her out, you really should. I saw the look she gave you in Chemistry. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, yeah? Wow, yeah, ok, so, what do I actually say?

Same conversation, in a disrespectful relational culture: Vinny: Joe:

Vinny:

I really like Sanya; but what should I do? Vinny, you’re such a pussy, man. PUSSY!! Hah ha!! I can’t believe you actually like her, man. You should totally do her, man, give her one, yer know. Do it, Vinny, just do it. If you don’t, you’re a pussy, man. F**k off, Joe.

Another example: A boy and girl both aged 14: Joe wants to get to know Letitia, a girl he likes from afar. In a respectful culture Joe: Letitia:

Hey Letitia, that was so cool when I saw you scoring that point in netball, yeah. Woah! You don’t score points in netball, you score goals, duh . . .

The problem . . . Joe: Letitia:

5

Ha ha, yeah whatever, but you really showed those other girls, though. I was well impressed. Thanks, gotta go now.

Same conversation, in a disrespectful culture Joe: Letitia:

Saw you yesterday, Letitia man, you was so fit in that netball game. Can I come and see you play again? F**k off, Joe.

These examples of micro-exchanges illustrate the cultures which define pupils’ interactions. Teachers can learn a lot from listening in to conversations at breaktime and in the corridors. Inviting pupils to reflect on such conversations through the Working with Boys programme, promotes awareness of how the language they use affects the quality of their relationships. ‘Joe’ – our typical boy – is not necessarily inherently sexist in his attitudes, but can be highly influenced by the relational culture he is part of. In turn, his language can be highly influential on the culture.

Solutions Through this book we will explore in detail three solutions to creating cultures of mutual respect in schools. 1. Focus on the way boys relate to each other The reason boys and men behave badly towards girls and women fundamentally stems from the way boys and men relate to each other. When a woman walks into a bar, and one of a group of men in the corner makes the sound, ‘Phwoar’, he is doing it to show off to his mates, not to impress the woman. Let’s face it, no woman is ever going to be impressed by a wolf-whistle or a cat-call. Any chance that man had of getting to know that woman socially (let alone romantically) was blown the moment he made that sound. He did it to get a laugh from his mates, who chortle, “He’s such a legend, that one, such a Jack-the-lad.” So, the first solution is for schools to guide and influence boys to create cultures of mutual respect.2 2. Versions of masculinity As boys emerge into adolescence, they have a choice of what kind of masculinity they are going to adopt for themselves as individuals, and what kind of masculinity they will project as a group in school. Whilst there are many forms of masculinity, they are expressed as a binary choice in this book because, when it comes to relational cultures, there are essentially only two ways to look at it. Masculinity is described using the terms ‘gentle’ and ‘sour’. Boys have to decide whether being sour, aggressive, overtly sexual, over-competitive, and harsh makes them happier. Or does gentle behaviour based on dignity, compassion, empathy and caring actually lead to smooth, conflict-free relationships between boys and between boys and girls? The choice is with them, not the teachers, nor the parents. The boys have to see it for themselves, understand the nature of masculinity in its various forms, and choose to be gentle for their own reasons. The Working with Boys programme, which examines the actual experiences of girls and boys in school, holds up a mirror to their behaviour, their friendships, their hierarchies, their use of time, and gets them to reflect on what helps them get the most from their friendships. If boys’ friendships are based on mutual respect, then they will regulate their behaviours for themselves. 3. Timing of interventions Exactly when schools teach boys about their choice of masculinity is crucial. Boys make this choice during the period of ‘loss of innocence’, which occurs some time between Year 5 and the end of

6

The problem . . .

Year 7. If schools leave it too long, if they start to question the different versions of masculinity in Year 8, they are too late - boys’ decisions have already been made.

You can’t, in my view, significantly change the relational culture of boys in a school once it has become established in Year 8 and above. But if you focus on Years 5 to 7 – and especially Year 7 – then you have an opportunity to guide boys to adopt a happier and gentler form of masculinity.

Listening Underpinning these three solutions is the art of listening: we need to ask the pupils what it’s like being in school and listen carefully to the answers. Ask them about the quality of their relationships, about their interactions on their phones, and ask them about the language they use when adults aren’t listening. Ask them and keep asking them, and act on what we learn. The very act of asking itself gives a strong message – that the quality of pupils’ everyday lives in school matters to the adults. This is not just about lunch or marking or who to go to if you have a problem, but about how it feels sitting in class, standing on the playground, coming into school surrounded by your peers. How does that feel on a granular, momentby-moment level? Which social pressures act upon every action and conversation? This book provides the understanding and the tools to ask pupils properly so that schools can gain a reliable picture of what is actually happening on the ground. Once we start asking, rather than assuming what day-to-day school-life is like, we can begin to understand what is going well for our pupils and what isn’t. We can learn how to encourage them to be the best they can be using their experiences of school as our starting point. We can bridge the gap between the rhetoric of glorious and noble intentions as espoused in the school’s mission statement and the actual on-the-ground reality of being a kid in that school on a wet Tuesday afternoon in February. Self-regulation When change happens, when boys relate to each other supportively, when they treat girls and women consistently with respect and when they get closer to being the best they can be, it will because they do so for themselves. Any hint that virtuous behaviour is being adopted to please the adults will generate more rebellion than it generates compliance. Adults have to create opportunities for teenagers to understand that virtue is its own reward, and that self-regulation is not just about self-denial. There are many things adults want and need teenagers to do more of – and sometimes less of. We want them to study hard, eat well, exercise and engage. We also want them to spend less time playing online games, eat less sugar and junk food, and take fewer serious risks. Ultimately, they have to learn to regulate all these behaviours for themselves, and indeed being good at self-regulation is an accurate indicator of maturity. For teenagers, being good at self-regulation is not always easy because it is often at odds with the psychological need to rebel that goes with their age. However, adults can guide them to realise that selfregulation can be a source of high self-esteem and pride. Self-regulation is not just about stopping the fun and doing more of the boring stuff; it is a way to build strong self-knowledge, identity, self-worth and resilience. Self-regulation should feel good! The goal is to help teenagers make the connection between resisting short term gratification in return for longer term empowerment. The reward adults can offer teenagers for good self-regulation is autonomy. If the teenager can demonstrate mature levels of self-regulation, they are rewarded with more opportunities to determine their own activities and lifestyle choices. Being fair We need to acknowledge that many boys in school behave well, and are already very aware of how they should interact respectfully with girls. They want to be part of combatting rape culture and need our

The problem . . .

7

support. Schools can sometimes be heavy-handed when addressing these issues and make all the boys feel bad for just being a boy. This book will explore ways in which guiding boys can be a consistently positive and empowering experience, and not simply a guilt trip. Being fair is crucial.

Coming up In the next chapter we will explore the imperatives for teenage boys. This will help shed light on why they sometimes end up frozen in their communications, and why some of them largely grunt their answers both in and out of the classroom. We will explore what motivates and demotivates boys and what, ultimately, leads some to behave so badly towards girls and women.

Notes 1. Relational culture is a label used to describe the dominant ways in which a group of people have learnt to relate to one another. It includes attitudes, preferences, vocabulary and taboos which become established over time. 2. The Working with Boys programme, described in Part Two, shows teachers how to do that.

2 What boys fear most In this chapter: −− −− −− −−

Boys fear humiliation but find it humiliating to talk about. Boys’ fear of humiliation drives a lot of their behaviours. Being humiliated by peers is generally worse than being humiliated by teachers. We can desensitise boys to this fear by talking about it, a lot.

‘Girls on Board’ First, I need to provide some context to the topic of this chapter by filling you in on my work with girls. In 2011, I created an approach for use in schools that empowers girls to manage the dynamics of their friendships for themselves. The approach encourages teachers to continue to support girls when conflict arises, but not to interfere, other than when bullying has happened. When girls fall out it can be incredibly tough for them, as well as for the adults – parents and teachers – who try to support them. You can read more about this approach at GirlsonBoard.co.uk. The key idea behind empowering girls to manage friendship turbulence for themselves, is the understanding that every girl between the age of 5 and 18 must have at least one other girl (usually a girl) in her year group, in her school, to call ‘a friend’. So essential is this one concept that it is not hyperbole, when seen from the girls point of view, to call it an existential imperative. Many hundreds of schools across the world have had teachers trained in this approach; those teachers now support tens of thousands of girls more effectively in an area of their lives which I think has for too long been fundamentally misunderstood by teachers and parents.

What I have learnt and continue to learn from working with girls and their friendships is that we need to look at the negatives first. We need first to have a grasp of the ‘fear-factors’ to understand what is driving behaviours – especially behaviours which are problematic and seem to defy adult-applied interventions. Although the tenet ‘Every girl needs a friend’ is neatly expressed, it is actually more illustrative to see this from a negative point of view; i.e. girls fear isolation.1

So what about boys? Boys fear isolation too, but not nearly to the same extent as girls. We are not talking here about being bullied. Bullying is different, and adult intervention is required. But when it comes to a friendship ruction, boys have told me that they tend to get through by sitting it out. It may take a couple of days, but resolutions are found quite quickly, and in the meantime, though it is uncomfortable being temporarily at odds with friends, it does not feel as bad as it does for girls.2 If girls fear isolation in a way that teachers and parents should never ignore and always include in the way they support girls, what is the equivalent for boys? Boys fear humiliation.3 Let’s take a moment to fully explore the importance of this statement: Boys fear humiliation. Is it true? How far is it true? It is not hard to see the anthropological reasoning behind this and how evolutionary biology has made boys form hierarchies to select the toughest amongst them. The struggle is to

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-3

What boys fear most

9

become the lead progenitor. Humiliation is the mechanism by which male hierarchies create rank order without necessarily resorting to violence. The more a boy can appear immune to humiliation by being emotionless, stoical and sturdy, the less other boys will attempt to challenge him.

I presented this idea to a class of Year 5s. As I finished my exposition, there were some soft murmurings. The girls smiled and nodded, and then bit by bit the boys agreed, ‘Yeah, that’s probably true’. Then one boy blew me away, saying, “The thing is, boys don’t want to talk about humiliation because it’s humiliating.” So it’s easy to see that, when you propose this observed truth to boys, most may be reluctant to agree.

Of course, girls fear humiliation too, but in the face of a humiliating event, they will often gather round the victim and use the event as a source of bonding. If a girl falls over on the running track, her onlooking friends will often rush to pick her up and offer sympathy. Their need is for strong bonds of friendship, and so moments of social jeopardy can be used to strengthen those bonds. If a girl has been deliberately humiliated by another girl as part of friendship turbulence and conflict, then sometimes camps will form – one round the victim and another round the perpetrator. Again, the moment of humiliation has been used to make bonds stronger. In order to help girls with the thing they fear most – isolation – we evoke their empathy through a carefully crafted lesson of guided reflection. In order to help boys with the thing they fear most – humiliation – we have to create safe ways in which they can discuss it and gradually desensitise themselves to this phobia. The Working with Boys programme has a specific lesson topic on humiliation which provides teachers with the opportunity to encourage that desensitisation. It also examines the snowball effect of humiliation being counter-attacked by more humiliation, and how that negative chainreaction can be broken.

Avoidance of humiliation We need to acknowledge and understand that boys fear humiliation and will behave in all sorts of ways, both good and bad, in order to avoid it. If you recall moments of boys’ bad behaviour in school and pass them through the prism of this central tenet, your thinking will change. Lying, cheating, fighting, abusing others, hacking phones/accounts, bullying, stealing, bringing alcohol/tobacco/vapes/drugs/weapons into school; all these things can be explained, at least partly, by the fear of humiliation. Humiliation takes the form of being made to look weak, stupid, immature, naive, boring, geeky, timid or weird in front of (in rank order) peers, girls and teachers.

Scenario Mandeep, in Year 8, is enjoying a verbal quiz in Geography and is getting all the answers right. He is consistently first to put up his hand, and sometimes even calls out the answers before being invited. Other pupils in the class get a little frustrated with his dominance and one boy at the back of the class mutters, “suck up”.4 Mandeep is shocked and blushes. He stops volunteering answers and when the teacher next asks him a question he deliberately gets it wrong. Gradually, the whole class stops volunteering answers and the atmosphere of willingness and fun is replaced with reluctance. Mandeep felt humiliated by the insult ‘suck up’ and instantly decided to change his attitude to the teacher. The other boys follow suit for fear of the same treatment. Of course many boys fear other things too, such as being isolated, being seen as gay or feminine (unless they choose to present this way), being at the bottom of the hierarchy, not living up to the standards of masculinity set by the men in the family, or being seen as unusual or weird (though some take pride in just that). However, it is not hard to interpret all these things as just more manifestations of the fear of humiliation.

10

What boys fear most

The psychology of humiliation We all fear humiliation because it can make us both feel shamed in ourselves, and be shamed in the eyes of others. Feeling shamed is uncomfortable and emotionally painful because being shamed can lead to social exclusion. As adults we develop resilience to these dangers. We learn to manage our potentially extreme reaction to humiliation. We can rationalise the feeling, draw on our self-esteem, and use encouragement from other sources like family and friends to overcome its sting. We also learn to anticipate where and when humiliation might arise and strategise ways to avoid it. But teenagers find this hard because their self-esteem can be fragile and because they can be disappointed if they turn to their friends for support. The quest for social integration and inclusion is a high stakes one for teenagers compared to adults. The battle to feel as though you are a legitimate part of the group plays out on a moment-by-moment basis. In their book The Incredible Teenage Brain, authors Hohnen, Gilmour and Murphy explain how the model of the Triune Brain explains the fear of humiliation. This model describes the brain in three parts. First, the amygdala, which the authors call the ‘instinctive brain’, is all about fight and flight. The amygdala is triggered by threat – physical or social – and its aim is to avoid this threat at all costs. When the amygdala is firing, rational thought is suppressed and behaviour becomes more about survival than anything else. When this part of the brain is the most active it is an unpleasant feeling, akin to a panic attack. The pulse rises, the skin pricks and the whole body is put on danger-alert. The next is the limbic system, or the brain’s emotion centre. In the teenage brain the limbic system is particularly sensitive and much more easily triggered than in an adult’s brain. Teenagers therefore feel things more keenly across the full range of emotions. They get more frustrated, more bored, more lonely, more angry, as well as feeling more in love and closer to friends. The third part of the brain is the prefrontal cortex. This is the conscious, thinking brain which regulates thoughts, emotions and behaviours through rationality. Development of this area of the brain is not complete until age 25, so at a biological level, teenage boys lack the capacity to fully regulate their instinctive and emotion-led behaviours. For many teenagers, the slightest threat to their status – i.e. the sense that humiliation may be coming – will increase activity in the amygdala. The prefrontal cortex will try to rationalise away this sense of danger but is not always robust enough to achieve that. Suddenly, in the face of a potentially humiliating event, the teenager finds their most fundamental instincts of flight or fight being triggered. Something as innocuous as coming to the front of an assembly to receive a certificate of achievement can trigger this reaction. Even simply believing that they are being observed by their peers is enough to increase levels of the stress hormone, cortisol.

The effect humiliation has on relational culture To compound that, the emotional brain stores its experiences and then predicts what might happen next time – i.e. once bitten twice shy. Once the brutality of humiliation has been experienced, boys will fear similar triggering situations in the future. If you then scale this up, and look at the collective emotional memory of a cohort of boys, you see how their experiences as individuals start to define their relational culture as a group. As the boys in a cohort experience more moments of humiliation, so the relational culture that defines the cohort’s interactions becomes more defensive. This is a cumulative effect; individuals increasingly dish out humiliation to others through ever harsher banter and pranks in order to avoid being humiliated themselves. Once the banter becomes harsh it is subject to a ratchet effect, getting steadily harsher every day and with no possibility of reversal. This process can be witnessed even on a moment-by-moment basis. Boys increasingly become self-protective, defensive in their interactions, unwilling to give an inch in their quest to appear tough, and immune from any display of emotion. Trust is brittle and hard to establish for more than a few hours at a time. Boys constantly feel they have to watch their backs for attacks which can come from any direction at any time, especially if they have shown any kind of vulnerability. It’s grim and we see it in cohorts of boys in school every day.

What boys fear most

11

Bad behaviour Our instinct is to reach out to these boys and try to reassure them that it’s all okay. They don’t need to be so fearful; they can support each other through these tough times. But they don’t want to engage, because talking about humiliation is humiliating. Many dominant versions of masculinity, be they variations of ‘gentle’ or ‘sour’, often dictate that boys should fear nothing – nothing at all. It therefore takes particular courage and honesty to be able to talk about humiliation without risking being humiliated. The adult voice of reassurance counts for little in a culture where being humiliated can mean loss of status and respect from peers. At this age, the respect of peers is much more important than the respect of adults. Teenagers turn to each other for validation; they build their self-worth far more on the comments of peers than the plaudits of teachers or grownups5 at home. Not only that, but in order to protect themselves from humiliation, some boys start to behave very badly – breaking school rules and being loutish. In the face of this behaviour adults understandably tend to judge and punish, preferring to emphasise repercussions over meaningful understanding or compassion. Adults can see bad behaviour as bravado and defiance and that gets in the way of fathoming the reasons for it. We can blame bad behaviour on challenging life circumstances, troubled relationships at home, episodes of poor mental health and just a general confusion of the individual’s moral compass. These explanations obscure the connection between bad behaviour and fear of humiliation. What’s more, they externalise the forces acting on the badly behaved boy, allowing him to disassociate himself from the consequences of what he did wrong. Connecting his bad behaviour with his fear of humiliation does not mean that adults can’t be compassionate, or indeed exacting; the connection just needs to be pointed out.

Traditional explanations for bad behaviour Not every moment of bad behaviour can be completely explained by fear of humiliation, but it lurks in there to a greater or lesser degree.

Table 2.1 Wrong-doing

Traditional explanation

Fear of humiliation

Bullying

1.

1.

Damaging a peer’s property

1.

Trashing the school lavatories

1.

Wants to make himself look bigger and tougher to his peers. 2. Was bullied himself and so bullying others is a preemptive strike.

Part of ongoing conflict with peer. 2. Attention-needing cry for help. 3. Unable to express frustration or anger using language.

Acting out anger, rage, hatred, resentment. 2. Make himself look like a rebel.

Act of revenge for being humiliated. 2. Creates an aura of threat to protect himself from humiliation. 3. Humiliates others by bullying them, which means the victims go down and he goes up in the hierarchy. This makes him less likely to be targeted by humiliation as a result. 1. Drastic action to resolve loss of status in conflict with peer. 2. Making himself look able to resort to extremes to get what he wants and therefore tough. 3. Test of his resilience to abandoning trust and reliance on his peers – and by extension resilience to the humiliation peers can inflict. 1. Make himself look like a rebel, unafraid of consequences and therefore immune to humiliation. (Continued)

12

What boys fear most

Table 2.1 Continued Wrong-doing

Traditional explanation

Fear of humiliation

Non-compliant attire

1.

1.

Disruption in class

Open disrespect towards adults

Fighting

Sexual abuse of female peer

Sexual microaggression towards a teacher

Normal adolescent rebellion. 2. To look cool, possibly to girls. 1. Bored, under-motivated, unfocused. 2. Defiant, selfish and unconcerned about the needs of others. 3. Struggling to keep up with the learning. 1. Normal adolescent rebellion. 2. Acting out anger, rage, hatred, resentment.

1.

Part of ongoing conflict with peer. 2. Failure to control temper and allowing anger to overwhelm him. 3. Unable to resolve disputes using language and reason. 1. Uncontrolled libido. 2. Misogyny.

1.

Lack of moral compass probably arising from disrespect for women coming from home, media and/or pornography. 2. High stakes version of open disrespect.

To appear unconcerned about constant admonishment by teachers and therefore tough and immune to humiliation. 1. Struggling to keep up with the learning and therefore disrupts to deflect from his fear of failure being exposed, leading to humiliation. 2. Matching similar peer behaviour to be seen as at least equal. 1. High stakes strategy to appear tough and immune to humiliation. 2. Belittling an authority figure to create high status. 3. Demonstrating that that adult does not have the power to inflict humiliation because they are not respected. 1. The ultimate symbol of challenge to anyone who would try to humiliate him. 2. Rises in the hierarchy even if he gets beaten, as long as he didn’t shy away or cry. 1.

Act of daring to show off to his peers. 2. Raised hierarchical status over those who don’t interact with girls. 3. Appears forceful and therefore prevents the opportunity for humiliating rejection. 1. Very high stakes strategy to appear tough and immune to humiliation. 2. High stakes belittling of an authority figure to create high status.

This table is far from exhaustive but shows that for every act there is an explanation6 that schools and grownups at home tend to reach for, and an alternative explanation which points at the fear of humiliation. Sometimes the two types of explanation are not that far apart and even overlap, but sometimes looking at the fear of humiliation fills a gap of understanding which schools have overlooked.

Scenario Let’s take the example of a boy called Bob in Year 9, who brings alcohol into school. Why would Bob do that? It’s unlikely that it’s because he actually intends to get drunk or that he loves the taste so much. To adults, this form of bad behaviour seems irrational given that if/when he is caught he will be punished – and that means being humiliated. But being humiliated in front of adults is not the same as being humiliated in front of peers. In fact, being punished for such a misdemeanour is definitely regarded by

What boys fear most

13

some boys as a badge of honour – proof of their devil-may-care attitude to life, rules and authority. So strong is the need to avoid being humiliated by peers that Bob will do things that are quite extreme in order to create a ‘tough-guy’ image amongst his peers. The logic, perhaps barely acknowledged in his own mind, goes, ‘I will make myself appear so immune to humiliation by deliberately provoking sanctions from school and admonishments from home that no peer of mine will even bother to try to humiliate me in future. If they do and, even if they succeed, I can appear to be unruffled and the observers will call me a “legend”.’ Let’s look at what typically happens to Bob once he has been caught: he’ll be interviewed by a senior leader. After the tiresome denials, lies and obfuscations, Bob confesses to the misdemeanour. The senior leader is, for the sake of argument, a man. “Hi, Bob, come in. We need to talk about why you brought alcohol into school. Can you tell me why you did that?” “Not really, sir.” “Did your friends make you do it?” “No, sir.” Bob says this with some vehemence, meaning, “I’m not prone to that basic level of peer pressure and I resent that you think I would use that as an excuse.” “You know what you did is strictly against the rules, don’t you, and that I barely have any choice but to suspend you?” “Yes, I know, sir. I just didn’t think.” “That’s right, you didn’t think, did you? So, next time you are tempted to do something like this perhaps you should think about the consequences, yes?” “Yes, sir.” Many of these types of interviews seem to conclude with, ‘Next time, think before you act’ as the main learning point. Yet the senior leader has it within his power to call out Bob’s motivation. The senior leader could say, ‘Bob, like most boys of your age you fear being humiliated by your peers. That is entirely understandable but on this occasion you have made a poor judgment by putting that imperative before the need to obey school rules. I suspect you brought alcohol into school as an act of bravado and defiance to make other boys think you are a legend. I want you to confront your fear of humiliation and realise that no one ever died as a result of being humiliated. On the other hand, being expelled from school and committing a crime can have dire consequences – hopefully not death – but much more serious than a moment of discomfort caused by humiliation.’ If we interviewed Bob on his way out of the senior leader’s office and asked him to comment on the ‘no-one-died-of-humiliation’ speech, he would probably say he thought the teacher was being weird. He would pretend not to understand what had been said to him. He would be lying about that.

How can we help? Fear of humiliation is unavoidable, but we can mitigate its effects. We can present repeated opportunities, through the Working with Boys programme, to understand the power that the fear of humiliation seems to hold over them. For instance, we can help them discover that using humour can be a way through the fear of humiliation but can create humiliation too. We can help them practise a metacognitive approach by holding up a mirror towards all the aspects of their lives where humiliation has the potential to arise and see it for what it is – a paper wall. We can reveal that being occasionally humiliated by peers at school is not an existential threat; it might feel like it is, but that’s just their evolutionary biology echoing through the primeval parts of their brains. If we can help boys step outside themselves and look in on the dynamics of their relational cultures often enough, it will become a habit. That habit gives them agency and the all-important age-appropriate autonomy they all seek – a feeling of being grownup and less vulnerable. Boys want to feel grownup because that is the ultimate destination of adolescence; anything we can do to hasten that journey and make it more manageable is going to make them happier and more fulfilled.

14

What boys fear most

If they are happier and more fulfilled then they will have the self-confidence to create relational cultures that are mutually respectful. If they respect and support each other in relational cultures that are consistently dignified, then they will respect girls and women and behave towards them with dignity too. Next, we need to consider the way in which hierarchies within boy cohorts affect relational cultures.

Notes 1. If you are already aware of Girls on Board you may be feeling pretty smug right now. Others may want to know the secret. So, in a nutshell, facilitating empathy-evoking sessions with girls helps them to self-manage their friendships and resolve things with teacher support but without interference. It’s really effective – you should try it out! 2. See Appendix 3: Research, in When Girls Fall Out, by Hampton, Hampton and Hampton, pub. 2021. 3. I looked up whether there is a word for fear of humiliation. The closest was ‘social anxiety’. Most phobia labels take their root from Greek. The Greek for humiliation is ‘tapeinosi’. So I propose a new word for the English language: ‘Tapeinosiphobia’ – the fear of humiliation. Perhaps this word does not already exist because we do not consider it to be ‘phobic’ to be frightened of humiliation. We don’t have ‘phobia’ word for fear of death because it is not irrational to be frightened of death. 4. Calling someone a ‘suck up’ is like calling them ‘teacher’s pet’. 5. I use this expression to include parents ands carers but also to acknowledge that labelling the adults who care for a child at home can be complicated. 6. It can be useful and enlightening for teachers to reflect on how often they do consider that there might be an explanation for wrong-doing. I suspect some schools who constantly ask, ‘Why did you do it?’ gradually become inured to the blank stares and befuddled answers and ultimately stop even asking.

3 Who’s on top? In this chapter: −− −− −− −− −−

Hierarchies are a natural way of ordering society. Most cohorts of boys have hierarchies. Boys often move up and down the hierarchy in line with their emotional resilience. The most influential boys can behave in ways that are either constructive or disruptive, or sometimes both. Humour is the currency of influence.

Hierarchies Grayson Perry, in The Descent of Man, argues that sexism is caused by many men’s persistent view that they are part of the ‘superior’ sex, based on the idea that physical strength trumps everything. Grayson sees male hierarchies as being the result of many thousands of years of evolution, and that, as long as men and boys continue to create relational cultures that are so intensely hierarchical, they will always regard women as ‘lesser’ and automatically at the bottom of the pile. As we saw in Chapter 2, the anthropological explanation for male hierarchies seems cogent: Young men vie for status, largely based on strength, to be the ones to lead the group and be the dominant progenitors. Hierarchies are the natural and innate way many life-forms on Earth have of ensuring order and developing talent. Human hierarchies exist to bring the best-suited people forward to work to their strengths. At best, hierarchies create civilisation at its most glorious; at worst they lead to inequality, tyranny and war.

Hierarchies in school Hierarchies of social status and influence usually exist amongst boy cohorts in some form and, even where they are not always well defined, there is still much useful discussion to be had on this topic. It may well be the case that the boys have never had an explicit and overt conversation about their hierarchies. It may even be the case that the girls have talked about the boys’ hierarchy where the boys haven’t, and vice-versa. Having this discussion leads to a better understanding of why hierarchies are important and complex, which in turn gives boys the chance to question the power the hierarchy has over them.

Hierarchical structures Where girls tend to form friendship in pairs, threes, fours and sometimes fives, boys’ groups tend to be much larger. There are usually a small number of groups that are the most socially dominant and then satellite groups that branch out from the centre. Sometimes boys can belong to several groups which are defined by common interest; these may intermingle and can have separately defined hierarchies. The overall hierarchical shape of the cohort can be permanently shifting and hard to pin down, but that does not make it any less significant in understanding how the dynamics of relational cultures work within a cohort. In her book Ringleaders and Sidekicks, Rosalind Wiseman describes hierarchies amongst boy cohorts in school as having around 5% to 10% at the ‘top’, 5% to 10% at the ‘bottom’ and the rest loosely clumped in the middle. Even though the big group in the middle is not easy to place in rank order, the sense of being in a hierarchy is still significant, and humiliation leading to loss of status1 can still be felt as a threat.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-4

16

Who’s on top?

Not all boys necessarily fall under the influence of the most socially dominant groups. Some boys form groups with relational cultures which make them seemingly immune from what is going on in the mainstream. For example, the social interactions of some boy groups revolve almost exclusively around a single topic of interest. Whatever it is, their shared interest can be so foreign to the mainstream that this group seems to exist – from a social point of view – in parallel. Because of this, these groups are often not influenced by the dominant version of masculinity as promulgated by the most influential groups.

Moving up or down Movement up or down the hierarchy is often caused by a boy’s response to humiliation. Even in a cohort whose dominant version of masculinity is relatively gentle, a boy showing distress can be seen as weak and the self-worth of his peers is heightened by comparison. For example,

Charlie gets angry and upset with the basketball coach because the coach’s style is shouty, unforgiving and harsh. On one occasion the coach makes Charlie cry. Kabir finds the coach’s style irritating but it doesn’t make him feel bad. Kabir builds his sense of self-worth by comparing his emotional reaction to Charlie’s. Kabir’s newly strengthened self-worth makes him more confident and therefore he rises in the boy hierarchy relative to Charlie. Seeing this play out, Charlie resolves never to show or share his distress again. He, like many of the boys observing this emotional event, becomes closed off, never showing vulnerability for fear of loss of rank. This ‘hardshell’ posture which is associated with many versions of masculinity, makes boys less reachable to everyone around them, including girls.

The dilemma for boys is therefore: if you want to maintain your boy-hierarchy ranking, you need to be tough and unemotional, never show your true feelings; but, if you want girls to be interested in you, then you probably need to do the opposite. Girls at school have told me how frustrating this is – they want to connect with boys both as friends and (when ready) romantically, but boys who never drop their guard or show any vulnerability are unreachable. For those who are gay or queer, or think they might be gay or queer, the same is true. It is also the same for teachers and grownups at home. It is so hard for the adults to support boys who take this path, because the boys never let us in; they don’t tell us what their problems might be so we can’t help or guide them. It is useful to look at how hierarchies are led, who is at the top, and how those leaders exert influence.

Top influencers In the upper echelons of a hierarchy there are boys who are more socially influential than others. What they say and do, what they approve and disapprove of, the language they use and the attitudes they adopt hold sway over many around them. An influential boy might be one who is charismatic – he may be cleverer, faster, more talented and better looking than his peers, but by no means always. Their influence is felt mostly through the currency of humour – which we will examine in the next chapter. In order to gain traction it is not enough just to make their peers laugh, they have to keep doing it, over and over again. Top influencers can demonstrate this relentlessness in either constructive or disruptive ways. Working with the boys at the top of the hierarchy – the ‘top influencers’ – can be great or it can be frustrating. Through their influence, they create the dominant version of masculinity that is adhered to by most of the cohort and that in turn defines the relational culture. If these boys are mostly constructive

Who’s on top?

17

in their attitudes to school and are also gentle, inclusive and sensitive to the life experiences of others, they can have a profoundly beneficial effect on the whole year group – both boys and girls.

Influential behaviour An influencer does not necessarily fall into two clearly defined categories – ‘constructive’ or ‘disruptive’. ‘Influencing’ is a form of deliberate behaviour as opposed to a personality type. Most influencers are capable of both ‘constructive’ and ‘disruptive’ forms of influence and will choose which to exert, depending on a variety of factors which come together to make them feel secure or insecure. It is useful to examine influencers who choose usually to be constructive, and then those who choose usually to disrupt, in order to gain insights into how their behaviour affects everyone in the year group.

Constructive Influencers This behaviour is not just about being a ‘goodie-two-shoes’; influencers who behave constructively know how to be credible and relatable to their peers. Being constructive means consistently applying mature and considered moral boundaries to words and actions. Maintaining status as a constructive top influencer is a battle to retain integrity. To avoid being silenced they have to be brave in consistently showing their enthusiasm for moral behaviour. It’s not easy, but the rewards are substantial in terms of accolade from both peers and adults. We need to celebrate and nurture such benevolent leadership behaviours when we come across them, at whatever age.

Disruptive influencers Sometimes, however, the top influencers amongst the boys are not so easy to work with – they choose to be disruptive.2 These top influencers may only influence their own social group; however, they will often create a powerful view of what it means to be a boy in that school at that time. The power they exert over the cohort is essentially negative; they put people down, they ridicule mercilessly, they use sexualised banter and they never let up. If a teacher takes them aside and points out that they are very influential and their attitudes towards school, teachers, academic study and peers is corrosive to the whole community, they tend to deny everything. They profess ignorance of their influence or come up with the excuse that ‘nobody has to take any notice of me if they don’t want to’. Once the behaviour of a disruptive influencer has got a grip and created a sour relational culture which permeates the whole cohort, it is extremely challenging and often impossible to change. It is easy to be a disrupter, and teenagers are at least partly driven by their developmental imperatives to question norms, challenge the status quo and create iconoclastic cultures of their own. Disruptive influencers enjoy being disruptive. Belittling others, undermining school rules and parodying teachers are the stock-in-trade of this boy’s behaviour. By choosing to disrupt he gains a wary respect from his peers who fear that he can turn his nihilistic imagination on anyone and anything at any time. His power comes from his trigger-happy ability to humiliate his peers either directly or by ridiculing things they enjoy and people they respect. Disrupters wield considerable power because they humiliate others with such force and venom that others are frightened to humiliate them back. Their motivation to be disruptive comes from their fear of being humiliated themselves. They experience this fear at least as much as their peers, and often more. Their disruption is a pre-emptive and often successful strategy to avoid humiliation.

Scenario When a disruptive influencer challenges a constructive influencer, things happen which define which version of masculinity will become dominant in the cohort.

18

Who’s on top? For example:

Kyle (choosing to be constructive): “I am so excited about tomorrow’s game against City Academy – it’s going to be so great to get revenge for last week’s 0–6 drubbing!” Ben (choosing to be disruptive): “Kyle, mate, you’re just looking forward to getting changed in front of the lads.”

Ben’s remark is highly charged. He is making a homophobic slur, which is high on the list of unacceptable insults and opens an easy door to humiliation. Kyle might react in all sorts of ways, from just walking away to becoming violent. Ben is not necessarily challenging Kyle’s leadership as a constructive influencer, but is just disrupting because he can, and because he can get a laugh at Kyle’s expense. The more Ben makes these kinds of remarks, the more he becomes an influencer and sets the tone for the dominant relational culture. All this takes place in a space that is necessarily out of the earshot of teachers. We have no direct levers we can apply to correct these dissenting influences and indeed our attempts to counteract negative attitudes to school often backfire. If mocking the school’s mainstream values of working hard, taking part, being kind and doing your best is a central strand to the humour exchanged between boys then the more you emphasise and elaborate on those values the more powerful their satire becomes.

Solutions to disruptive behaviours Through the Working with Boys programme, however, we can get boys talking about hierarchies and influential behaviours, and a whole range of associated topics, in front of their peers and in collaboration with girls, without anyone having to admit personal weaknesses. The programme provides the boys with the pressure valve their emotional selves need, creating regular moments of self and group reflection, wrapped up in discussions that are safe, non-judgmental, iterative and infused with humour. The cognitive habits they form in these sessions gradually become ingrained, freeing them to let go of destructive forms of relational competition and incrementally creating networks of mutual support. By facilitating lots of metacognitive discussions, we give the boys the chance to look objectively at their behaviours and the behaviours of those around them and to challenge negativity. Because the discussions in the programme are co-created by pupils and teachers, we empower the boys to face their fear of humiliation and mindfully create cultures of mutual respect. However, it is also important to understand that the movement towards mutually-supportive relational cultures can happen quite naturally in many schools, and as boys mature and become more confident and established in their identities, they often become gentler. The reason why one cohort achieves this and the next one doesn’t is usually down to the behaviours of the individuals with the most influence. There will always be dissenting voices in every cohort. Our aim is not to silence them but to empower boys to see disruptive behaviour in context, understand its motivations and accurately assess the negative influence it can have. In terms of the effect these disruptive behaviours can have in prompting sexualised abuse, we only need to see a shift towards gentler relational cultures – even a small amount of change will have a profound effect. It’s neither desirable nor achievable to expect every interaction between boys to be squeaky clean; just being basically respectful will be enough to effect the change we all need. We don’t have to create schools where there are no hierarchies – this is not realistic – we just need to ‘dial down’ their importance. We need boys to see that the hierarchical structures they form are neither all-encompassing, nor immutable. This is all a question of degree: how much, how often, how severe, how committed and how unpersuadable. It is enough to get pupils to think objectively about the behaviours that lead to the most exclusionary and destructive aspects of hierarchy. This is an adjustment, not a revolution.

Who’s on top?

19

Coming up To understand how we can help boys to adopt constructive behaviours and attitudes and overcome disruptive influences, we must first understand the currency of influence: humour, which is the topic of the next chapter.

Notes 1. The idea of having ‘status’ is sometimes expressed as being ‘cool’. 2. A feature of disrupter behaviour, when combined with sour masculinity, can be an overt intolerance of things that are not ‘cis’ white male. Gayness is often particularly picked on by this behaviour.

4 Humour is no laughing matter We devote a whole chapter to exploring the place humour has in defining relational cultures because while it can be a source of wild joy and hilarity, it can equally be a seam of toxicity which poisons every interaction. −− −− −−

−−

There is good banter and bad banter; guiding boys to understand this and self-regulate is key to creating cultures of mutual respect. Humour, in the form of banter, is the currency of influence. He who can make others laugh gains ground in the hierarchy. Humour, in the form of banter, is a natural form of communication for teenage boys. It dominates many of their interactions and so, if teachers can guide boys towards getting their banter ‘right’, there are huge rewards to be reaped. Humour is used to mitigate the fear of humiliation.

Banter Banter should be playful, teasing and friendly. Banter is not just ‘humour’ because it needs to be an exchange of remarks. A playfully teasing remark made by one pupil is met by an equally teasing remark in return. At its best, banter can be life-enhancing and full of joy. If the teasing is genuinely playful and kindly meant, then banter helps all participants to sharpen their wits and enjoy their conversational exchanges. For instance: Richard: Josh:

Josh is so short he should be in the year below. And, Richard, you’re so tall I was wondering how the weather is up there?

Adam:

Zac’s parents gave him a name that began with ‘Z’ because they knew he’d always be bottom of every list. And your parents called you Adam because they knew you’d always be an A grade idiot.

Or:

Zac:

Then there are general putdowns which work well, if a boy can muster the wit quickly enough, like: ‘You bring everyone so much joy – when you leave the room.’ One of my favourites, but this time for a girl. Boy (to girl with short hair): You just look like a boy. Girl: At least one of us does! Then there are the ‘Yer mum’ jokes. This form of banter is delightfully easy because whatever insult is thrown, the boy just says, ‘Yer mum’. Dan: Wow, Viraj, who ate all the pies? Viraj: Yer mum.1

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-5

Humour is no laughing matter

21

Self-deprecating humour One of the most powerful devices used by influencers who choose to be constructive is self-deprecating humour. The comedian Bob Monkhouse told lots of jokes against himself; like: ‘My family laughed when I told them I was going to be a famous comedian. I tell you what – they’re not laughing now.’ There is real value in seeing this sort of humour modelled by teachers and school leaders. Making people laugh at the same time as turning the joke on yourself engenders trust from others. It shows that, as a leader, you don’t take yourself too seriously; you enjoy a good laugh as much as the next person. For boys, it also means that if someone is going to make a mean joke about you, it had better be funnier than the one you just made about yourself or else no one will laugh and the joker will be left with egg on his face.

When banter goes wrong Some schools blame all forms of sour masculinity on banter and even try to ban it. I heard of a case where banter was actually banned at the beginning of the 6th Form in an all-boys school where girls join in Year 12. The boys at this school were so ill-equipped to talk to girls, and so embedded in the habits of their male banter that teachers had to step in on Day One of 6th Form induction to rescue both sexes. The boys would say things to the girls which they would casually and habitually say to each other only to find that the girls, whom they were keen to impress, were horrified and offended. The banter ban was lifted after a few weeks when the teachers had literally taught the boys how to talk to girls without upsetting them. Another teacher – of Year 4 this time – just found that it was easier to require the children not to make jokes about each other at all, ever. Fair enough, I thought, if you can make that stick; but as they grow older, banter to most boys is like breathing. Boys have to learn how to keep the banter light and positive. That’s not easy and banter can go wrong because boys are developing their social skills and don’t always have the maturity to read how it is being received. This links to their, as yet, underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex. Where teasing remarks flow mostly one way, and there is little or no response, it’s not banter anymore. If that situation persists, interactions stray into the territory of bullying. The first line of defence of the bully is often, ‘I was only joking.’ One of the most prevalent features of banter is that remarks and comments are made ironically. It is a particular (or indeed peculiar) British characteristic that people might celebrate winning the lottery with ‘Not bad’, and a scratch on their car door as ‘Bloody marvellous’. For irony to work – defined here as saying the opposite of what you mean – then tone is everything. Get the tone wrong and the user of ironic statements can quickly cause offence.

Sexualised banter With the advent of easily accessible pornography, banter which includes sexualised language has become more common and much more problematic. As they mature, it is inevitable that boys will increasingly take more risks and use shock as a way to make each other laugh; their banter will mutate. In particular, conversations will start to arise in which sexualised language is used and references to pornography are made. The school needs to make it clear where it stands in relation to these kinds of conversations: using sexualised language and bringing the ideas from pornography into your conversations is not right. It is intimidating to girls and women, it distorts boys’ thinking and it is not dignified.

Example It is important to explain and demonstrate to pupils why sexualised banter is such a poor choice. Let’s say Jim in Year 10 sniggered when Ms Patel bent over at the front of the class to pick up a board marker

22

Humour is no laughing matter

she had dropped. A clear act of sexualised micro-aggression, witnessed by Ms Patel herself, the Support Assistant and the rest of the class. His punishment is to apologise to Ms Patel, serve a lunchtime detention and his parents are informed. The incident will also be recorded on Jim’s file and on the school’s record of sexualised abuse. What took place beforehand which might have led Jim to behave so badly? Jim is friends with two other boys and earlier that day they found themselves in an open space on the school grounds discussing and viewing2 a link to a pornographic website that Jim had sent the others. The conversation starts to include not just sexualised language, but accounts of images seen in videos and extremes of sexual behaviour. The boys try to outdo each other with their outrageous and shocking remarks. The more extreme the pornographic reference, the more laughs are ‘won’. There is a ratchet effect which kicks in quickly. The use of a piece of pornographic terminology gets a laugh at first but, as its effect wanes, more extreme scenarios have to be brought to the fore to get the laugh. Before long, the thread of these conversations leads to the boys referring to girls and female teachers as if they were in a pornographic fantasy. The boys have arrived at full-on sexualised banter. With these thoughts and images still echoing in their minds, Jim and his friends return to class after breaktime and when Ms Patel bends over, it is more than Jim can do to contain his sniggering. The girls in the class were initially unaware that Ms Patel had done anything out of the ordinary, but when they hear the sniggering and put two-and-two together, they are horrified for the teacher and, indeed, for themselves. They have witnessed a sexualised micro-aggression. This kind of behaviour, and this version of masculinity, has no place in schools. Teachers are not ‘thought police’ but, through the Working with Boys programme, they can encourage boys to reflect on the way pornography and talking about pornography can easily become corrosive to their dignity and the right of others, especially girls and women, to be free from sexual intimidation. Pornography can infect boys’ consciousness with a de-sensitised attitude to sex and girls which spills out into their environs in a way that would have been considered absolutely taboo in eras gone by. Armed with the mental imprints of extreme sexual behaviours and combined with a natural propensity for greater-than-normal risk taking, boys are guilty of acts of sexual micro-aggression more and more often. So often, in fact, that they become a normalised way of being in school. Therefore, focusing on the self-regulation of banter – preventing it from becoming habitually sexualised – is a crucial part of creating cultures of mutual respect.

Further explorations of the nature of banter – the harsher, the friendlier It can be true to say that the closer the bond between two boys, the more they can safely engage with risky and harsh banter with each other. Boys who genuinely trust one another can find themselves using extreme insults safe in the knowledge that the other boy will always take it ‘in the right way’ – i.e as being ironic and therefore a joke. Their language then becomes exclusive to their relationship; if other boys try saying the same things to them, they quickly take offence. This is one of the ways in which boys at the top of the social hierarchy gain and maintain their raised status. In a way that might seem perverse to an adult observer, the delivery of a harsh insult by a top influencer to a boy further down the social hierarchy can be seen as a mark of respect and even an invitation to join the higher echelons. If we revisit the scenario of Ben and Kyle from the last chapter, where Ben made a homophobic remark to Kyle,3 we can see that there are several potential explanations for why Ben made the remark. Ben could be making a claim to Kyle’s friendship, but only if Kyle chooses to see it that way. If Kyle chooses and is able to return the insult cleverly, and in a way that gets a laugh from the bystanders, then both boys will win and they may even become closer. Kyle could say something like: ‘Ben, mate, are you calling me gay4? Because that makes you sound like your Grandad.’ If, on the other hand, Kyle is wrong-footed by Ben’s remark, and fails to come back with a witty reply, then he experiences humiliation. Try as he might, he will lose status in the eyes of the group. If this keeps

Humour is no laughing matter

23

happening, then the disrupter wins and his negative way of looking at life will inform the dominant masculinity adopted by the group. The bystanders may well observe this phenomenon and lament the downfall of the positive and enthusiastic attitudes demonstrated by Kyle. However, they feel powerless because they fear taking on Ben in case they themselves fall prey to his humiliating and caustic remarks. The only influence teachers can apply to ensure that Ben’s remark does not gain traction is to provide lesson-based opportunities for the boys to reflect on precisely these sorts of scenarios. By ‘holding up a mirror’, teachers can encourage the bystanders to express their disappointment about the way the culture is becoming more and more negative. Bystanders usually feel they have no influence over these sorts of exchanges, but they do. They possess considerable power if they choose to use it – they just have to choose not to laugh. The bystanders are those who apparently have nothing to do with this exchange between Kyle and Ben. They are just there, listening and reacting. In their minds their presence is passive and they do not consider themselves to have any agency in the outcomes of this moment, unless they choose actively to intervene – a risky strategy. Most bystanders choose not to get involved because they don’t want ‘beef’ with either Ben or Kyle. What they don’t realise is how significant their reaction is to Ben’s remark. If they laugh, Ben’s influence goes up and his sour attitude gains more traction; if they don’t laugh, then Kyle, and all the positives he stands for, comes out on top.

Mitigating the fear of humiliation The anthropological function banter would appear to have is akin to lion cubs play fighting. The verbal jousting that boys engage in is designed to promote social agility. Importantly, it helps to gradually lessen the pain of humiliation. To a large extent, the way boys perform in exchanges of banter defines the hierarchy of social influence. How that sits in relation to the behaviour policy is awkward. We make a great deal about boys’ rough play in the physical domain because that leads, as they get stronger, to accidents and injury. Rough play can also lead to full-on fights breaking out as boys go too far. Banter is similar – it can lead to hurt and indeed fights. Schools shouldn’t ban banter – and in reality they couldn’t even if they wanted to. What helps is for the boys to understand what banter is in terms of the role it plays in their relational cultures. The Working with Boys lesson on banter, described in Part Two, invites boys to give examples of when their banter has worked well and when it hasn’t. It promotes a discussion about how important it is not to go too far with teasing and to acknowledge when hurt accidentally arises. Most of all, the lesson looks at humiliation and how banter is designed to inflict a small, insignificant amount of humiliation or embarrassment on each other which acts as a desensitising agent – a bit like a vaccination. When this works well, it can be endorsing and validating – even if that appears counter-intuitive. For example, Richard – mentioned above – is shorter in height than all his peers and will always have to live with that. When his mates make gentle fun of his size it gives him the chance to respond, as we saw in the example above. Being called ‘shorty’ is a moment of potential jeopardy and humiliation, but equally an important opportunity for him to stand up for himself and be assertive. The banter directed at him is a question: You ARE the shortest in the group; how are you going to deal with that now and in the future? Let’s hear from you. If delivered with a smile, the epithet ‘shorty’ is an acknowledgment of his existence: We have noticed you, you are here. Welcome. All this reflection helps boys – and indeed teachers – understand the complex nature of banter and therefore how to control it.

Using humour The added power of Working with Boys lessons is that they are fun and funny. Boys get the chance to use observational humour to make the class laugh and this then adds a new strand to the way humour

24

Humour is no laughing matter

is used. It doesn’t have to be used just to mock and ridicule, it can also be used to satirise. Boys can look at their own behaviours and what drives them, and then laugh at themselves. This is particularly evident in the lesson which looks at anger; the boys see that they are all, mostly, angry about the same things and they start to tell funny stories about stuff that made them cross. By associating humour with anger, the facilitator is softening the pain of anger and demonstrating the power that humour has to soothe and calm. If no one ever teased Richard at school about being short, he would go out into the world oblivious to the fact that height can be seen by some, even if just on a subliminal level, as a reason to hold him in less esteem. Humour, in the form of banter, is the buffer that saves him from humiliation. If he can laugh it off then it doesn’t hurt so much. In the exchange between Richard and Josh, both received the buzz of approval of their peers as witnessed by their laughter. Through the Working with Boys programme, we can explore and reveal the mechanistic role banter plays in desensitising boys to humiliation. Banter is rapid, complex and it happens all day, every day. Each micro-moment framed by banter has the potential to hurt and shame or endorse and validate, and the difference is subtle and nuanced. Collectively those micro-moments add up to a culture, and the culture acts as a set of rules and expectations. If the culture turns sour, then it becomes impossible to control the banter if it turns nasty. For example: when boys start to talk about sex and girls, if no one is brave enough to challenge and call out sexist remarks, then it soon becomes impossible to do so, because the precedent has been set. Once girls have been referred to in derogatory ways a few times, and boys laugh and no one challenges it, then any single individual would be taking a serious social risk in trying to stop it. Even if he tries he might well not succeed, and just be ridiculed for his attempts. Adults may look at this argument and wonder at the lack of courage displayed by the boys; but social risk-taking is much more significant to teenagers than it is to adults. Adults therefore have a duty to model healthy and appropriate banter; if they can’t achieve that, they shouldn’t banter with the pupils at all.

The timings of intervention If we can intervene to support a positive and gentle relational culture amongst boys at that crucial moment when that culture is forming, then we can make an enormous difference. So, when is that moment? In the next chapter, I argue that this is all about the end of the age of loss of innocence, and it happens in Year 7.

Notes   1. Humour is, of course, contextualised by age. Some of these humorous exchanges could be contravening the school’s Behaviour Policy for younger pupils. But as long as there is reciprocity and topics are kept light, then this is a vital part of developing social skills. 2. It is sad and shocking fact that professionals researching where and when young people access pornography report that the top answer is ‘at school, on their mobile devices’. If ever there was an argument for getting pupils to hand in their phones at the beginning of the school day, this has to be it. 3. Ben suggested to Kyle that the only reason he was looking forward to a sports fixture was because he wanted to get changed in front of the lads. 4. This book does not explore the area of homophobia and how it impacts on relational cultures in school. This is because the topic does not fit well with the teaching style of the Working with Boys programme. The programme promotes lessons that are co-created by the pupils, in which the teacher is a facilitator of open and honest discussion. The topic of homophobia would not work well in that context and needs, instead, to be taught as part of Relationships and Sex Education.

5 Masculinity and the age of loss of innocence In this chapter: −− −− −− −−

Loss of innocence happens by the end of Year 7. Between the ages of 8 and 12 years, boys get to choose what kind of masculinity they are going to adopt. If a sour version of dominant masculinity gets established in Year 8 and above, schools will struggle to change it. The Working with Boys programme focuses on guiding choices of masculinity in Year 7.

Loss of innocence The expression ‘loss of innocence’ is not easy to define, though we probably all know what it means. It is a time when both the grimmer realities of life and the joys of being independent dawn on children. Children gradually come to terms with taking responsibility, the inevitability of death and tax, the horror of war and disease, and their own mortality. As children transition into adulthood, the range of their emotional interactions with the world grows wider by the day. They experience this with incrementally diminishing amounts of support. With the loss of innocence slowly comes wisdom and experience; experience of conscious joy, exhilaration, bliss and, of course, love and eventually sex. This is not a rite of passage that happens suddenly, but gradually from around the age of 8. Neither is that time scale historically static because the advent of one-click access to hard-core pornography has definitely changed things. There is evidence of some boys in Year 5 accessing this material and that is a serious problem. We will explore this issue later in the book, but for now we have to acknowledge that, from the ‘knowing all about sex’ angle, loss of innocence is arriving a lot earlier for some than it used to.

The internet I recall a PSHE1 lesson in Year 7 in which I asked my pupils to tell me about the ownership of their mobile phones. From their point of view, did they feel they owned them or did they belong to their parents who, after all, had paid for the device and continue to pay the data tariff? The range of answers summed up the differences in maturity we can typically find in this age group. One boy was more than happy to regard the phone simply as a safety device for emergency use on his journey to and from school. At the other end of the spectrum one girl said that if her parents even hinted that they might interrupt her total freedom to access the internet at all times of the day and night, she would sit on the end of their bed and not let them sleep. The different speeds at which children mature between the ages of 8 and 12 present unique problems for teachers. We want to guide those who have newly arrived at a state of ‘knowing’. We want to help dispel not only the distorting myths peddled by pornography but also hold their hand through their emerging understanding of many of life’s tougher ‘slings and arrows’. But in doing so we don’t want to hasten unnecessarily the maturation of those who are further back on the journey. We don’t want to talk about ‘adult’ things if some children are just not ready. This is an impossible dilemma, but we can probably agree that by the end of Year 7, like-it-or-not, boys and girls need to know about most of the grownup stuff. This, in my experience, happens naturally and by the beginning of Year 8 the range of maturity levels is relatively narrow – narrow enough for Sex Education to be delivered without some pupils still wanting to stick their fingers in their ears and go ‘la la la la’.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-6

26

Masculinity and the age of loss of innocence

Masculinity It is at around the ages of 8 to 12 that boys choose what version of masculinity they are going to adopt. Broadly speaking, and as described in Chapter 1, this might be a gentle version, or a sour version. They make that choice for themselves as individuals and for the group they are in. The choice is made within a powerful social context which may appear to limit that choice, but it is a choice nonetheless. Sometimes the version a boy chooses matches the group and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes the version is different at school from home. There can co-exist various versions within a school year group but usually there is one version that is dominant, and the dominant version is the one that tends to define the relational cultures of the majority. To broaden his choice of masculinity a boy must be prepared to challenge the social norms that are defined by the relational culture.

Things are changing In making his choice, a boy also needs to decide how far he wants to embrace or reject the powerful pull of traditional forms of masculinity which celebrate being tough, strong, resilient and brave. What is so hard for boys and young men today is that these markers of traditional masculinity are not requirements for survival. Boys today, looking to emulate the traditional forms of masculinity they witness in the generations above them, find that this version of manhood does not give them the legitimacy and credibility it once did for their fathers and grandfathers. Yet we still see boys in school under pressure to adopt traditional ‘male’ trappings: be tough, don’t cry, compete like your life depended on it. This may be because no one of sufficient influence around them is giving them the opportunity to explore alternative versions of masculinity that may be more life-enhancing, validating and comfortable. The Working with Boys programme provides boys and girls in school with the chance to explore versions of modern-day masculinity which are going to work for everyone.

Choosing versions of masculinity within the Working With Boys programme Although somewhat reductive, it is effective to see masculinity as a binary choice2 when it comes to analysing the effect it has on relational cultures in school. As described in Chapter 1, the Working with Boys programme uses the terms ‘gentle’ and ‘sour’. ‘Gentle’ speaks for itself and elides nicely with the idea of ‘gentle-men’. ‘Sour’ is a useful description because it leaves a nasty taste in the mouth; it is distinctive, universally understood and visceral. In Part Two, we will look at lesson outlines which start by revisiting the definitions of gentle and sour, so that pupils become increasingly familiar with and eventually expert at finding words to support the two definitions. These opening moments of each lesson in the programme kickstart the metacognitive thought processes in the pupils’ minds which are so vital in training them to self-regulate. In each lesson the teacher invites suggestions to define ‘gentle’ and ‘sour’. To support the definition of ‘gentle’ we get: kind, generous, supportive, considerate, caring, thoughtful, selfless, respectful, positive, helpful, forgiving, collaborative, loving, compassionate, accepting and tolerant. To support the definition of ‘sour’ we get: tough, rough, hot-headed, aggressive, nasty, mean, negative, selfish, disrespectful, abusive, bullying, lazy, sluggish, non-communicative, angry, harsh, cold-hearted, over-competitive, arrogant, rude, spiteful, cruel and belligerent.

Masculinity and the age of loss of innocence

27

In addition to the positive portrayal of masculinity we might promote the adjectives: principled, honourable, noble, dignified, trustworthy and upright. A bit like the Nolan Principles3 but for schools.

Timing is everything As I described in Chapter 1, there are times when the relational cultures of boys in Years 9, 10 and 11 can become alarmingly inward-looking and locked. Some boys are unhappy, under-motivated, engage only sporadically and unpredictably, and grunt a lot. As a headteacher, I tried tackling this problem head on. I called the boys together first and told them I thought the way they didn’t support each other, or their teachers, or the school was problematic and was going to lead them to under-perform at GCSE; they vehemently denied those accusations. On one occasion, I took each boy in Year 10 aside and talked through the way their banter had become harsh and cruel and that they were constantly on the edge of bullying each other. Individually each boy agreed and wanted to be a part of the solution, but again, nothing changed. Each individual was powerless to improve the culture because to attempt to do so would potentially invite ridicule and condemnation. Surprised at my own lack of leverage, and rather depressingly, I came to the realisation that once this culture has been established, or has established itself, and once boys habitually and consistently refer to each other first and teachers second, there is very little you can do about it. Once they have decided that harsh banter always wins over supportive remarks, that being ‘one of the lads’ denies any licence to depart from narrowly defined norms, then bringing them back is very challenging. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep trying and if the culture leads to sexual abuse then clearly the school has to resort to strict punitive sanctions to safeguard girls. If that means sacrificing enlightened attempts to shift the culture towards self-regulation and autonomy, then so be it. But it feels like a defeat. There are moments in education history where we just have to acknowledge that, although we’ve been doing something in the same way for decades (if not centuries) it is wrong; it doesn’t work and, if we are devastatingly honest with ourselves, it never has. Just consider corporal punishment! For centuries, teachers were allowed, even encouraged, to hit children as a way of teaching them right from wrong. Although corporal punishment was outlawed in state-funded schools in England in 1986, it only became illegal to hit children in Northern Ireland as late as 2003. The realisation that it is futile to attempt to change the relational culture of a cohort of boys once it is established is one such moment. No matter what you do, you will always struggle to change a toxic relational culture amongst boys once it has been established in around Year 8. The boys will grow out of it in their own time, sometimes by Year 12, sometimes much later.

It’s all about Year 7 There is, of course, a journey that the boys go on which leads to these relational cultures becoming established. If you can work with the boys – with the help of the girls – just as these cultures are being formed, then you have a unique window of opportunity to influence how they are going to relate to each other for the next few crucial years. That’s what the programme of Working with Boys aims to do, and it is in Year 7, the end of the age of loss of innocence, that teachers need to deliver guidance. It is in Year 7 that boys decide what kind of man they are going to be as individuals and what kind of masculinity will become dominant for them as a group. There is work to be done in Years 5 and 6 too, and secondary schools report that some Year 7s arrive having adopted forms of masculinity which are already sour. The main focus is, however, Year 7.

Role models Whilst all teachers must, as a professional norm, model attitudes that support a ‘gentle’ (as opposed to ‘sour’) form of masculinity, the idea that specific role models are very influential in moulding relational

28

Masculinity and the age of loss of innocence

cultures amongst boys is, I think, a myth. Some schools like to invite pupils to select a hero or heroine to inspire them. Lessons are then delivered about some of the more obvious figures in history and the current day: David Beckham, Mother Theresa, Barack Obama, Emily Pankhurst. Whilst these lessons can be valuable in themselves, teenage boys don’t always take much notice of role models, other than in two important ways. The first is subliminal – boys are aware of what famous people are doing out in the world and the signals they put out about masculinity are taken on and become part of the zeitgeist. The second is their fathers, or male carer – if they have one. These men have a huge part to play in boys’ lives but, in terms of what schools can do to improve relational cultures amongst boy cohorts, fathers and male carers are beyond the control of teachers. All schools can do is to be aware of the role these men play, be that positive or negative. As we will explore in Chapter 13, we can’t change the sometimes old-fashioned ideas fathers, step-fathers and male carers have, we can only empower the boys to understand which bits to consider rejecting and which to respect.

Becoming self-aware As adults we learn that the type of conversations we have in different social and family contexts can differ widely. We adapt to the agreed norms of the group we are in. Sometimes, when we re-join a group of friends we have not mixed with for a while, we might notice how far our own social and conversational norms have drifted from the group’s. We might sit with some old school friends and realise how much we have all changed in different ways. At that moment, we start to become more self-aware and we choose our words differently, adapting our normal way of conversing to something that is going to fit better in that context. By removing our thinking from the moment to look at ourselves in context and analyse what is happening, we become more successful at contributing meaningfully. This is a skill which we pick up as we mature into adulthood. But it is also a skill we can develop in pupils at school if we choose to. This is what we mean about boys in particular learning to self-regulate within their relational cultures. By immersing boys in non-judgemental reflective discussions about their relationships, they become naturally skilled and familiar with being self-aware in every interaction they have with each other.

Example Josh in Year 7 has a habit of boasting to his peers about his recent achievements in competitive swimming outside school. The other boys in his year group find this boring and frustrating. After immersion in reflective discussions, however, they learn to recognise this moment for what it is. As Josh starts to boast, one of his friends, Aquib, thinks, “Ah, this is one of those moments when Josh likes to make himself feel better by showing off a bit. I used to find this really annoying and I used to try to interrupt him and put him down. But now I realise that he just needs us to listen and allow him his moment of glory; he won’t speak for long and if I validate him instead of trashing him he’ll feel better soon and stop boasting.” Before Aquib learnt how to analyse and observe the conversation he is in, he would have put Josh down with a cutting remark like, ‘Yada, yada, yada Josh. Does yer mum go swimming with you too?’ But now that Aquib has learnt the art of self-regulation he says, “That sounds amazing, Josh, well done mate!” In response to this, Josh, who was fully expecting a bitter put down, is surprised and pleased. In that moment he understands that Aquib is a good friend and begins to learn to trust that feeling. He realises perhaps that he doesn’t always have to boast about swimming and that he is secure in his place within the friendship group.

Masculinity and the age of loss of innocence

29

Relational cultures change in these tiny moments. A shift in the way Aquib was thinking, brought about by exposure to interesting and fun exercises where he and his peers looked at all the different ways they communicate, has produced a small but highly significant change in the relationship between the two boys. As Aquib and Josh learn to trust each other and support each other openly and without irony, other boys will see the power of this mutual support and start to adopt the same language.

Beyond Year 7 While the main focus of the Working with Boys programme is on Year 7, it is useful to understand how we can support boys in later year groups – Year 8 and above. In the next chapter I look at the thing that plagues many boys in these older year groups – a lack of motivation.

Notes 1. Personal Social and Health Education. 2. This builds on the excellent work of Pinkett and Roberts in Boys Don’t Try. 3. The Nolan Principles: selflessness, integrity, objectivity, accountability, openness, honesty and leadership.

6 Motivating boys In this chapter: −− −− −− −− −− −−

Boys may seem ‘fine’ with being unmotivated, but that is just an act. All boys are motivated; it’s just that they don’t necessarily want to do the things adults want them to do. There is a tension between teenagers’ desire for autonomy, and adults’ need to keep them safe. What schools want for boys and what boys want for themselves do not align well. Most of the motivational strategies used by schools work for some, but also actively demotivate others. We can motivate all boys by promoting mutually supportive relational cultures.

Motivating teenage boys can be hard, and the lack of motivation in some boys is a problem. Undermotivated boys may put on a show of appearing diffident and insouciant but they feel lost and adrift. They need the adults to help them light their fire! On the whole, boys arrive in Year 7 full of enthusiasm, ready to try really hard at every thing they do in school. For some, this innate motivation gradually wears off and is replaced by a slothful and minimalistic approach to study and participation. Although we know it’s not their fault – it’s their stage of life that is getting in the way – it can still be painful for teachers to watch under-motivated boys not enjoying their studies, failing to participate fully and wasting their talent. There is, however, a fundamental misunderstanding here: teenage boys are just as motivated as any other age group – be that babies who want to be fed, dry, warm and secure, right through to people nearing the end of life who want to make the most of every day and remain healthy for as long as possible. It is just that most teenagers are not naturally motivated towards the things we want them to be motivated towards! As Ian Gilbert1 says, the teenage brain is not actually designed to take GCSEs. If we could line up what boys are naturally motivated towards with what schools want them to do, then we could all come out as winners.

What do boys want? In Chapter 2 we looked mostly at what boys try to avoid. Now let’s look in depth at what boys want, wish and strive for in a positive sense, rather than what they try to move away from and avoid. After 35 years teaching, this what I think boys are naturally motivated to achieve, and what they willingly expend energy on: In order of importance: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Social connection and therefore a phone Respect from peers To be good at something To be seen as worthy Freedom and autonomy.

This is, of course, up for debate and is not the only model we could use. For a start, it doesn’t mention parents or home life. Any non-functional and/or traumatic aspect of a boy’s life will greatly affect their ability to thrive; therefore stability and calm will be what they wish for. For the purposes of this argument let’s take relative home-life stability as a given for now, though we will look at these types of external negative forces in the lesson topic outlines on anger and lifestyle choices. Perhaps more significantly, the list doesn’t mention love or sex which, let’s face it, are on boys’ minds a lot of the time. However, achieving autonomy, through being seen as worthy, through being

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-7

Motivating boys

31

good at something, through being respected by peers, through having social connection and a mobile phone . . . make love and ultimately (if appropriate and consensual) sex much more likely. Autonomy needs, of course, to be age-appropriate. Not every 12 year old wants to set up home and start paying taxes! Teenagers want the freedom to choose how they spend their time, what they buy, what they eat, and what they wear. Teenagers tend to want more freedom than adults are sensibly prepared to give them, but creating opportunities that give greater agency over their own lives will always be motivating for teenagers. For schools, that can mean including more lessons where the curriculum is negotiated, greater emphasis on listening to pupils’ opinions, and more flexibility in the interpretation of the school’s vision. All the motivations listed above are linked, with ‘social connection’ being not just the most important but also the thing that underpins the others. Before we look at what teachers can do to use these motivations to create better performance at school, we need to look at what schools say they want from their pupils.

What do schools want from boys? The goals we set for boys are: (in an order you can juggle for yourself)

Learning 1. 2.

Study hard and achieve their academic potential. Engage with and contribute to as many school activities inside and outside the classroom as possible.

Behaviour 3. 4.

Behave consistently well and show respect to each and every other member of the school community. Tell the truth.

Social connection and wellbeing 5. 6.

Enjoy school life and have fun. Form strong friendships and mutually supportive bonds.

We can see straight away that what boys want and what the school wants of them are best matched in the ‘social connection and wellbeing’ category. ‘Form strong friendships and mutually supportive bonds’ is probably regarded as the least significant by the school and the most significant by the boys. If schools could support more consistently and effectively the goal of ‘Form strong friendships and mutually supportive bonds’, the other five goals wanted by schools would be met far more easily. That’s why the Working with Boys programme delivers multiple opportunities for boys to think about the quality of the friendships they form and how well their interactions support their motivation towards school-based performance in general.

What schools currently do to motivate boys If we agree that schools have a long-standing problem with the motivation of some boys, then it is fair to say that schools’ motivational strategies don’t work as well as they should. The aim should surely be the deployment of motivational strategies that work for everyone. The trouble is that many strategies do not work for everyone and the boys for whom they do not work are actively demotivated.

32

Motivating boys

1.

Rewarded meritocracy. Pupils who do well (or in secondary schools it is mostly: do better than others) are often rewarded with certificates, badges, ties, lottery tickets and plaudits in front of peers. For the older age-groups in the school, some pupils are selected for posts of responsibility, such as Prefect, Head Boy or Head Girl. The problem with rewarded meritocracy is that it is based largely on the subjective judgments of teachers and can therefore be perceived as unfair. It is demotivating if a pupil perceives that his efforts have been unfairly overlooked. Effort grades. The idea is that, in order to encourage pupils to try their hardest, teachers award them marks for their effort. However, some boys like to play the ‘effort grade game’ which is to get the highest effort grade in return for the least amount of effort expended. It can also be very demotivating if a low effort grade is awarded because the teacher judges that the work presented does not appear to reflect the work that had actually been put in. Predicted grades. Some teachers like to err on the side of generosity with the predicted grade to give pupils a fillip; others feel the same motivational benefit can be gained by underestimating the predicted grade. The confusion this inconsistency causes can demotivate some boys. Personal mentoring schemes. Sessions where teachers are able to offer 1:1 or small group revision and enhanced learning help can work well as long as they don’t just become another thing boys don’t want to do. Careers education. This can helpfully link in boys’ minds the benefits of working hard now to reaping the rewards of success in later life – either through entry into a selective/selected secondary school, 6th Form, university, apprenticeship, or profession/job. This strategy is useful but not as successful as it would obviously seem. Connecting the present to the future – and indeed the whole idea of ‘investing time and effort’ and ‘delayed gratification’ – doesn’t always unlock the unmotivated boy, much as we might hope it should.

2.

3.

4.

5.

‘Do No Harm’ The problem with all these strategies is that they are owned by teachers who distribute approval and largess through these mechanisms. They motivate only in so far as boys are interested in following adult guidance and gaining adult endorsement. Each strategy risks demotivating some boys; surely then schools should be driven by the simple principle of ‘Do No Harm.’ Any motivational strategy that demotivates the minority should be approached with extreme caution. This is perhaps the moment to suggest that achievement is its own reward. For every strategy a school uses to motivate pupils, it should consider what mitigation it is going to put in place for those who are demotivated by that strategy.

What teachers should avoid There are several things that teachers habitually do which consistently demotivate some pupils. 1.

2.

3.

Teachers should try not to make the pupils angry. When we come to look at the lesson outline on anger we will see that pupils are often angry about the same things in their lives, and one of the top three is ‘teachers who piss us off’. In particular, the pace of lessons is what can make them angry. Going too fast puts pupils under pressure; when the test comes around they feel adrift and without sufficient input. Going too slowly is boring and patronising. Anger is an emotion that will interfere with any intention to learn. Teachers should try not to refer to pupils as a group. For instance, ‘Come along 8TW, settle down now please.’ I know this is inevitable at times, but the constant use of group labelling is dehumanising. Teachers should try to avoid creating too many moments where the teacher’s judgement leading to a reward and/or rank order is central to motivation; this is because these moments can always be perceived as unfair. Unfairness is a big deal for boys – and makes them angry. Unfairness is corrosive

Motivating boys

33

of trust at a time when adolescent boys are questioning everything. They question whether study is worth the effort and some of them conclude that it is not. They question whether they want to please their teacher, and again some conclude that this is no longer sufficient motivation. Taking unfairness out of the system is impossible, but we can at least try to reduce its occurrence.

What teachers should do High quality individual feedback There is no doubt that high quality individual feedback delivered regularly and with compassion can motivate every boy. This is not always easy to achieve where class sizes are big and sometimes individual boys may resist the help they are being offered. But it is always worth persisting. Focus on social connection Finding effective ways to support stronger social connection between boys is something that schools have generally overlooked. Perhaps the reason schools have overlooked the idea of supporting positive interactions between pupils is because they have not yet acknowledged the link between mutually supportive relationships and better grades. Yet there is plenty of research, such as Babatunde Ojewunmi’s study (2019, Ph.D. diss., University of Cambridge) which demonstrates that a well-developed ethos of tolerance, fairness and resilience leads to enhanced academic performance.

Conclusion The focus on positive strategies to help boys get on with each other could be so much stronger. Relational cultures which are supportive, gentle and mutually considerate will help boys retain positive self-images, and help with their motivation; grades will inevitably rise as a consequence. If we want better academic performance, we should first work with the boys on their mutual respect. When we get this right, boys support each other academically and encourage each other to make the most of school life. They have more fun and experience less humiliation. They behave better because the pressure of avoiding humiliation is reduced. All this positivity in their relationships will also mean they treat girls with consistent respect too. The use of competition as a motivator is widespread in schools. Whether it is effective or not is the subject of the next chapter.

Note 1. Book: Independent Thinking (Independent Thinking Press, 2013).

7 Competition and fear of failure In this chapter: −− −− −− −− −−

Using competition as a motivator doesn’t work for everyone. Rank ordering pupils can be problematic. Life is competitive but collaboration produces the most inclusive societies. Boys and girls enjoy competition equally, but they sometimes compete differently. How to tackle fear of failure.

Competition Competition is a useful motivator, but it needs to be deployed in such a way as to produce better learning rather than more stress. Most of us enjoy some competition from time to time and that can spur us on to perform to the best of our ability. However, for many pupils, competition is just a distraction from the learning. Creating winners always means creating losers. The more able are always likely to be the winners in a competitive ethos while the less able, already having to deal with being less able, are made into losers. Gamifying – another version of competition – is, again, great for some and tedious for others. Schools who rely on competition as their sole means of motivation should perhaps have another think, because it doesn’t work for everyone. There are times when competition is absolutely the right answer and where taking away competitiveness would be ludicrous (such as in PE and sport). We just need to be sure we are using competition in the right way to produce the best results for everyone.

Life is competitive Life itself is competitive – adults compete for jobs, influence and even for the partner of their choice. This argument is sometimes used by schools to justify an ethos dominated by competition, arguing that competition makes pupils resilient and battle-ready for adulthood. However, it is questionable whether school is or even should be a microcosm of adult life. School is school, a unique experience in the human lifespan, in which emphases are different, rules are different and interaction with authority figures are different from adult life. People outside education often try to find analogies for schools. ‘At the end of the day’, they claim, ‘a school is like a business/a club/a family.’ But it isn’t; a school is a school. Schools therefore have licence to frame competition in whatever way works best for all pupils. We should not lose sight of the fact that, while competition drives evolution and the survival of the fittest and most adaptable, humanity’s finest and most civilised accomplishments have been achieved through collaboration.

Publishing rank order This practice is particularly prevalent in selective schools where the assumption is that any pupil can rise to the top of the ranking by working harder. This first assumes that all pupils are of equal ability in that subject at that school – which they are not. It also assumes that being top of the ranking is per se a desirable thing. It isn’t. A boy struggling to fit in with his peers does not necessarily make himself more popular by being top. Similarly, for the less able, constantly being told you are in the bottom quartile is de-motivating, especially since schools who operate this system often criticise the bottom quartile by automatically assuming that they are not trying hard enough. This practice simply builds failure into the system.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-8

Competition and fear of failure

35

Framing competition For competition to work as an inclusive motivator, there are four pre-conditions it needs to meet. 1.

2.

3.

4.

Most competitions should be set within a time scale that is short term – probably just within one lesson. If competition is a long-term event, then fairly quickly there will be some boys who are way out in front and impossible to catch up with. That means the competition itself is only motivating those who remain in the race and still have a chance to win. There should be meaningful prizes. Some schools even offer cash rewards for winners and use software to process points towards vouchers redeemable at online stores. Although we may idealistically feel ‘the prize is in the winning’, without a meaningful prize, there is always the risk that the most influential pupils will reject the competition and it falls on its face, leaving the teacher flogging the idea and pupils asking why they are bothering to compete. Gloating should be discouraged, and where appropriate, support given to those that fall significantly behind, either in terms of the emotional impact the competition has had, or the learning that needs to be consolidated in order for them to perform better next time. The competition must be fair in the sense that anyone in the room has a genuine chance of winning. So, saying there is going to be a vocabulary test at the end of the lesson in French will always advantage the more able, leaving the less able unmoved by the offer of the prize. This pre-condition makes fair competitions hard to create, but it is worth the effort if you can find the right mechanism. The teacher is the ultimate judge and arbiter. The rules need to be clear and immutable and if that means the pupils need to ‘impress the teacher’ then so be it, as long as the teacher has made what is impressive transparent.

Boys and girls sometimes compete differently In surveys I have conducted, boys and girls appear to enjoy competition equally. The majority of both sexes are keen to compete wholeheartedly, enjoy taking part and enjoy winning. However, both girls and boys can find competing challenging because they are both capable of allowing a fear of failure to get in the way of full commitment. But in some circumstances, girls compete differently to boys. This difference is useful to point out to pupils because it can explain why sometimes boys can appear over-competitive to girls. That in turn can come across as brutish and intimidating. Girls fear isolation. Therefore, when they are in competition with each other they sometimes feel the need to be careful not to trounce a member of their friendship group and thereby put in jeopardy their bond. On the whole, girls are keen to compete but equally keen to look after the feelings of their friends if their friends are on the losing side. Interestingly, one girl in Year 7 told me that she would be happy to trounce her friend at, say, table tennis, but only if they were very, very good friends! Boys, on the other hand, fear humiliation above all. They tend to compete fiercely because losing can be humiliating. They also compete fiercely because winning takes you higher in the hierarchy, however that is defined.1

Fear of failure One of the most common reasons that we sometimes underperform as people is our fear of underperforming as people. Fear of failure is rife in schools and, in my experience, affects the majority of pupils. The thinking pattern goes like this: I am worried that I am not very bright and that my teachers and grownups at home will soon discover that my academic performance to date, such as it is, has been based on luck. I am an impostor.

36

Competition and fear of failure There is a big test coming up in three days’ time. If I try really hard I will get the best mark I am capable of. But if I fail the test that will mean that I am stupid, because I will have tried my very hardest, and still failed. So, instead of trying really hard, I will do just a little bit of preparation; that way, if I fail I will have the excuse that I didn’t actually try and that if I had tried (which I definitely will next time) I would have easily passed. If, on the other hand, I pass with flying colours without actually doing much studying, that will mean I am a genius.

The test comes – the pupil fails because he/she didn’t do enough revision. In order to overcome this thinking it is often enough just to raise it in a Working with Boys session. It doesn’t necessarily prompt a discussion – you just stand and watch the thought sink in. The pupils know this thought pattern; and now they know that you know.

Coming up The ways schools try to motivate and incentivise pupils is flawed when seen from the pupils’ point of view. That is not a sentimental stance; it is practical and grounded in the reality of the experience of the people on the other end of our work as teachers. It is time, therefore, to look in more detail at how schools go about finding out from pupils what works and what doesn’t.

Note 1. Of course, girls fear humiliation too and fear of failure will stop them competing as much as it does boys.

8 Listening to the pupil voice In this chapter: −− −− −− −−

School councils: are they the best way to hear the pupil voice? Bringing down the barriers to reporting abuse. Pupil-led forums to improve cultures of mutual respect. Using anonymous surveys to garner views of pupils.

There has been a much-welcomed shift amongst school leaders towards listening to pupils in school, and finding out what they think. We are rightly keen to hear the ‘pupil voice’, as we call it, to find out what works for them in the classroom and, indeed, across the whole gamut of experiences in school. On the whole, schools are perhaps better at garnering opinions on marking, teaching styles and lunch than they are in finding out about peer-on-peer abuse. This chapter looks at the traditional ways in which schools find out what pupils think; what the constraints are and how can we overcome them.

School Council The School Council is often the main mechanism used to listen to the pupil voice. The School Council is a fine body and nearly all schools have one, but the way the membership is chosen does not always make it the right forum for creating meaningful change, especially around sexual abuse. On the whole, pupils attend School Council based on one of three reasons. First, there are girls and boys who have chosen to be there; they want to make a difference for themselves and their peers. These pupils are often natural leaders, happy to give up their free time in order to be rewarded by the satisfaction of a job well done, and of course, a badge. Next, there are pupils who attend School Council because they have been picked by their form teacher who likes to give everyone in the class a turn, or at least those who have expressed a desire to represent the class; so they are there on a rota. Usually that means they don’t attend for more than a few weeks before it is someone else’s turn. This can mean that continuity is lost and the class’s contributions and ideas fail to gain much traction. In order to make any real difference, School Council representatives usually have to push quite hard and persistently. This all takes time and effort and the rota system does not produce the best results for pupil-generated change. Third, there are pupils who, following a class vote, have been picked by their peers to represent them at the Council. This can become a form of subtle bullying. Lunchtime School Council meetings are often not what pupils would choose to attend, especially in the summer. Voting for the unpopular boy or girl to serve can be vindictive – and that is probably why many form teachers opt to make the decision on behalf of the pupils, instead of holding a vote.

Staff attendance The effectiveness of the School Council is very dependent on who from the teaching staff is in attendance. Given that schools regard the pupil voice as important, it is unfortunate that School Council meetings are not automatically attended by the Headteacher, or at the very least a senior deputy. In my experience, many Headteachers seldom attend these meetings – or not every week at any rate. The challenge to Headteachers is this: what is actually more important than listening to your pupils?

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-9

38

Listening to the pupil voice

Feeding back Opportunities for School Council representatives to feed back to their forms are often inconsistent. Schools usually set aside time for this, but it is at the discretion of the Form Teacher if it actually happens or not. Delivering that feedback is not easy because there are often wide variations in the oracy and presentational skills of the pupil representatives. Feedback sessions need to be carefully supported by the Form Teacher.

The problems of communication School Councils are important but flawed. They are perhaps more useful as symbols of listening to the pupil voice than they are as effective change agents. The School Council is not an effective forum through which to discover how pupils feel about the quality of their friendships or uncover the cultures that define those friendships. What Everyone’s Invited showed was that a simple, moderated platform where young people could share their experiences without fear of being judged or trolled was all that was needed to unleash a tsunami of complaint. What some schools have been trying to do since then is bridge the gap between pupils and staff, so that teachers can find out what is really going on. It is the lack of easily accessible channels of communication that has, in part, allowed rape culture to establish itself amongst some boys. There are two issues relating to communication around abuse: (a) how can schools remove barriers to reporting abuse? and (b) what strategies can schools deploy to hear the ideas of pupils about how to prevent sexual abuse happening in the first place?

Reporting abuse When it comes to reporting abuse, pupils have to place considerable trust in the adults who are going to hear their story. From an adult perspective it can seem obvious that, after experiencing blatant abuse, a pupil should tell someone, be that a moderated online forum, a friend, a parent, a teacher, or the police. If every instance of abuse was followed up by a report to a responsible adult and serious consequences for the abuser, then presumably abuse would stop overnight. Everyone’s Invited is full of stories about why girls don’t report.

Ofsted Review The Ofsted Review of sexual abuse in schools and colleges (2021) dedicates several pages to the issue of reporting, and very effectively uncovers the dilemmas faced by young victims of abuse. The solution, the Review suggests, lies in creating cultures of mutual trust, especially between teachers and pupils. To create that trust requires subtlety. The task lies not so much in the domain of inspectable policy but in the way individual teachers approach their role. This goes well beyond the remit of the Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL). Everyone working in schools needs to consider how they can be a part of the solution to bringing down the barriers to reporting. Every professional needs to ask themselves: could someone disclose abuse to me? Am I approachable?

Bringing down barriers to reporting abuse It can happen that a girl who has been sexually abused may not tell an adult but will tell a close friend. The victim may feel they only want the friend to be there for them, as a confidant, but not to tell an adult. Girls can fear the consequences of reporting abuse, not just because of possible retaliation from the boy or boys, but because it creates a new and potentially complicated dynamic within friendship groups.

Listening to the pupil voice

39

How the dynamic will shift following a girl’s revelations is hard to predict, and so some opt to keep the abuse to themselves. Girls might also observe their peers tolerating or laughing off abusive behaviour and so may not even be sure whether they are right to feel victimised. Teachers need to help pupils understand what is abusive.

An empathetic approach In order to remove barriers to reporting abuse, schools should have open discussions with girls in which the codes of friendship are explored. As part of these discussions, schools can stress the importance of girls being there for each other, and encourage the idea that: ‘When it comes to abuse, I’ve got your back, no matter what.’ We can lower the barriers to girls reporting abuse by regularly evoking their empathy for each other. A cohort of girls which creates its friendship bonds through empathy will always put each other’s wellbeing first.

Garnering the ideas of pupils to prevent rape culture In researching this book, I corresponded with and visited many schools. All these schools had acted upon the Ofsted recommendations to strengthen their Safeguarding and Behaviour Policies. Some schools, the ones I visited, were actively seeking more creative solutions, which is why I was invited, and a few had made a start on their own solutions. One or two schools had adopted the strategy of inviting boys and girls from their 6th Forms to convene a forum to address rape culture. Through a strictly pupil-led initiative, pupils throughout the school are given an open invitation to come forward to tell their story at any time, choosing either to reveal their name or report anonymously. Ways of reporting digitally are promoted. Ultimately, this pupil-led forum is tasked with informing the school about what works and what doesn’t in terms of how the school can adjust its practices to stop sexual abuse. This pupil forum strategy seems entirely logical and an appropriate response to Everyone’s Invited. It is inevitably dependent on the personalities involved and its sustainability needs to be considered, but the strategy is designed to build trust and that can surely only help.

Surveys However, I think the best way to capture the pupil voice accurately is to have regular anonymous digital surveys (as outlined in Part 3) and have a dedicated pastoral email address monitored by the DSL. All other ways of hearing the pupil voice have their value but none is as comprehensive or effective as surveys. The advantages are three-fold. First, an anonymous survey is far more likely to draw out instances of abuse and opinions about abuse than any other form of communication. However, the school will have to think through carefully what to do with reports of abuse coming through from the survey if the pupil has not declared her/his identity. Second, surveys can produce a set of data which can be used to measure progress over time. If schools are going to establish cultures of mutual respect, the strategies they deploy must be sustainable and iterative. Producing data by which to measure progress incentivises the school to keep using the surveys. Third, surveys in themselves are educational. Asking the question prompts thinking which leads to the answer. For instance, the more often we can invite pupils to think about the whole area of sexism and sexual abuse the more mature their thinking becomes, leading ultimately to better self-regulation.

40

Listening to the pupil voice

Conclusion To get the most accurate understanding of the daily experience of pupils in our schools, we need to use the right tools and guide the pupils to be articulate about what works and what doesn’t. That means creating a framework in non-judgmental, non-didactic sessions which promotes individual and group reflection about their lives and relationships. The effective creation of this framework requires a specific pedagogical style which needs to be adopted by the teacher, acting as facilitator. I call this Guided Reflection, and it is the subject of the next chapter.

9 Guided Reflection In this chapter: −− −− −− −− −− −−

Guided Reflection is a non-judgmental, non-didactic pedagogical style. Learning outcomes from a Guided Reflection lesson are co-created by the pupils and the facilitator. Ownership of the learning is taken by the pupils. Not all pupils will have thought about their relational cultures in any detail before. Guided Reflection and doing Philosophy are similar but not the same. Being good at metacognition is not a skill, it’s a habit.

It is a fact that boys and girls are the world experts on the dynamics and cultures of their friendship groups. The power of that expertise tends to remain unarticulated and unexploited because teachers forget that it is there. Facilitating a Working with Boys session is not like teaching any other lesson. There is no sense in which the pupils are ‘ignorant’ of the topic content at the beginning of the lesson and ‘knowledgeable’ by the end. This is not like teaching oxbow lakes or isosceles triangles or the French for fish paste. Instead, by drawing out their pre-existing wisdom and expertise, the facilitator invites the pupils to consider the effectiveness of their relational cultures. By holding up a mirror to their adolescent imperatives and how they affect their interactions, the facilitator leads pupils to reflect on what is good and what is not good about how they all get on with one another.

This is Guided Reflection The aim of a Guided Reflection lesson is to challenge pupils to consider and/or reconsider putative truths about their lives. The teacher, acting as a facilitator, frames the lesson topic, and the debate arising from these considerations is where the learning takes place. From that learning, pupils’ thinking and behaviours will change. The objectives of a Guided Reflection lesson are learning outcomes that are co-created by the pupils. In most Working with Boys lessons, the facilitator plans a series of open questions, supported by scenarios which are emblematic of pupils’ lives. Pupils are given autonomy over the discussion which is framed in a pedagogical style which is mostly non-didactic and a stance which is largely non-judgmental. The facilitator remains non-didactic other than when it comes to providing factual, historical and political context to the discussions. The facilitator remains non-judgmental other than when it comes to restating and re-emphasising the school’s vision and values, and societal expectations, including the law.

The ownership of the learning belongs to the pupils Naomi Fisher, clinical psychologist and author of Changing Our Minds: How Children Can Take Control of Their Own Learning, argues that we all learn most effectively when we have autonomy over our learning and a strong sense of purpose – in other words a desire to learn. Teachers, she says, often take the ownership away from children so that it feels to them as though the purpose of learning is not the acquisition of knowledge and skill, but to please the teacher. Chapter 6 explored how important it is to work with boys’ natural needs, wants and desires rather than trying to impose those on them artificially. When it comes to seeking the best outcomes from the Working with Boys programme, ownership, purpose and autonomy are absolutely key. Boys must leave the lesson with a sense that, if anything is going to change in their relational cultures, it is

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-10

42

Guided Reflection

going to happen because they want it to – not because the school wants it to. Teenagers can be very counter-suggestible. The teacher must not give away that the school wants certain things to happen but rather encourage the boys to want it for themselves; otherwise the school will most likely get the exact opposite result it wants.

Example It is so easy and habitual to retain ownership of the learning for yourself as a teacher; you really have to check your thinking. Let me give you an example. I have visited many schools in the last few years to deliver demonstration Girls on Board sessions and Working with Boys workshops with pupils. Both require a Guided Reflection pedagogical approach. On several occasions, the teacher from the host school felt it was necessary to plenarise my content at the end, finishing with, “So, girls and boys, I hope that you found Mr Hampton’s words useful and that you will reflect on what he said to you today.” This is not a criticism of those teachers because they were emphasising the learning by making sure that the pupils understood the school endorsed my messaging. But for me, in that tiny moment, in the blink of an eye, those teachers took ownership of the learning away from the pupils and brought it back to themselves. That one sentence, uttered mostly by force of habit, says, ‘I want you to take note of the content of this lesson for me, please.’

For pupils, taking part in a Working with Boys lesson should be a joyous exploration of life as they know it; they are invited to reflect on observed truths and how they affect their emotions and behaviours. The details of the exploration come from them, they co-create the actual content through their responses to moments in which the facilitator invites them to reflect on assumed truths. At the end of the session, the facilitator cuts off without summarising or imploring further thought or debate: ‘That’s the end of this session, thank you for your contributions today, it’s been great.’ The pupils are therefore left with the feeling that what happened in the lesson is theirs. Their contributions are the ones that mattered; whether they continue to think and discuss these topics is up to them, not the teacher. Ensuring they leave the room with ongoing ownership is crucial; if they have the slightest feeling that this is about the school wanting certain moral outcomes and behaviour changes then the pupils are as likely as not to do exactly the opposite. That’s their biology speaking.

Putative truths – Guided Reflection in action A key feature of using Guided Reflection is asking pupils’ opinion about a putative truth. For example, in a lesson about anger and/or lifestyle choices, the facilitator asks the boys, ‘Is it just me, but it seems that when you come off a session of online gaming you are quite often angry? Is that a thing? Help me out here.’ The purpose of this question is not to find the answer, nor is it a Philosophy question in which we might explore the nature of anger and/or hobbies. The purpose is get the boys thinking about their anger and what prompts it and to get the girls to comment on this too. It gets them all talking about something many of the boys invest huge amounts of time in and looking at that investment from a different angle. It is not the familiar trope of, ‘perhaps you should read a book or go outside’. Instead it asks them to reflect on the actual, visceral experience of playing online games and, for many of them, to reflect on the fact that this time is often infused with challenging and negative emotions. It also evokes empathy when they realise that many of them feel the same way. The facilitator asks, ‘If online gaming often makes many of you so angry, then why do you spend so much time doing it?’ Again, this is essentially a rhetorical question which prompts debate amongst the pupils which the facilitator merely guides. The power is in the question and the thoughts it prompts.

Guided Reflection

43

A first time for everything I once asked a class whether or not they felt the school was fair. A Year 8 boy in the front row looked very quizzical and I interpreted his look as being critical; i.e. ‘of course the school isn’t fair’. When I asked for his thoughts, he was tongue-tied and soon admitted that he hadn’t actually ever thought about it. On one level this amazed me, but it also made me realise that, as a professional, I have spent a lifetime thinking about all this stuff. I had assumed that, since I had thought about it, he would have too! As a practitioner of Guided Reflection you need to build into your thinking that some pupils will not have done any critical thinking about the Working with Boys topics. Importantly though, that doesn’t mean that they are not wise and expert about these topics; it’s just they have never organised their knowledge into words. To bring about profound learning and changes in thinking, using questions is often enough.

Guided Reflection and doing Philosophy Doing Philosophy with pupils can be some of the most exciting and enlightening lessons in the school year. There are obvious overlaps between Guided Reflection and doing Philosophy but they are not the same. They both place a central emphasis on requiring pupils to think fresh thoughts and explore new intellectual avenues. They both acknowledge that the purpose of a lesson and the expected outcomes are embedded in the journey and the process. They differ in that Guided Reflection is used to create new thinking patterns in pupils which are directed and purposeful. Philosophy lessons tend to be more anarchic – the sole purpose is to enjoy and get better at thinking, wherever it takes you. Therefore, some Philosophy lessons can be great and thinking goes deep and long, and others can fizzle out – it just depends on the moment and what thoughts occur. The purpose of the Working with Boys programme, using Guided Reflection, is to prompt thinking of a specific type; the programme prompts the habits of metacognition and analytical objectivity in relation to relational cultures.

Classroom management When you throw into the conversation something controversial you need to allow the pupils time to talk amongst themselves. Don’t be too quick to quieten the room. For example when the facilitator says, “Am I right that many of you get pretty annoyed with your siblings?” the pupils tend to want to talk to each other about this a lot, and the room fills with the buzz of conversation and anecdote. Let it happen, give them some time before bringing the focus back to the front. Lots of powerful learning is going on as pupils turn to each other spontaneously in these moments; they are comparing life experiences and empathy is growing between them. When you do bring their focus back to the front of the room, you say it is because you have lots more to talk about, not because they are being undisciplined.

Metacognition Promoting metacognition as a pedagogical technique has its own history and many books have been written about its use and effectiveness in promoting learning in schools. The word itself can sound highfalutin and off-putting, but it needn’t be. Once you get a pupil to think about thinking, talk about talking, learn about learning, then they are practising metacognition. It’s a fancy word for thinking objectively and analytically. You don’t have to teach pupils how to think metacognitively, they do it entirely naturally in response to the right kind of question. So, here’s the takeaway quote about metacognition: ‘Being good at metacognition is not a skill, it’s a habit.’

44

Guided Reflection

Conclusion Reading this, you may feel that Guided Reflection is very similar to a technique which you have used habitually for discussion lessons. It’s not. Guided Reflection is hard to apply consistently. You have to judge when to step in to provide context and underline normal moral values and when to allow the debate to flow. You must enter the room with an open mind, prepared to learn and project a genuine sense that you are perpetually curious about life as the pupils see it. Whether Guided Reflection feels like a new technique or whether you feel you already use it, the most important thing is to understand how significant its use is in ensuring successful Working with Boys sessions. In the next few chapters we look at specific areas of life which profoundly affect many boys’ thinking; we start with pornography.

X Pornography1 In this chapter: −− −− −−

Pornography is an aid to masturbation. Sex Education needs to focus on informed choice. Pornographic talk in school can fuel sexualised peer-on-peer abuse.

I approach this topic with enormous trepidation. To say that pornography is controversial is in itself a controversial statement. In fact, many people believe it is not controversial at all, it’s just plain wrong. All the things that are wrong about the existence, making of and viewing of pornography are undeniable. We know that watching violent pornography can lead to sexual violence. We know that pornography can be addictive and corrosive to ideas of acceptable forms of sexual behaviour. We know that viewing pornography can cause psychological harm. We also know that women are often trapped and coerced into making pornography. Then there is the promotion of non-consensual sex, the racism, revenge porn and incest and – well, there’s just about any and every perversion under the sun. It’s all there, it’s easy to access and it’s free.

Masturbation Many people who have reached the age of sexual maturity masturbate, and teenagers are no exception to that. For many decades we have taught teenagers that there is nothing wrong with or shameful about masturbation, as long as it is private. Pornography is an aid to masturbation and is therefore sometimes used by people when masturbating.

Adult content A survey of 1,023 consumers of pornography by Alan McKee2 showed that, amongst adults, more than half felt that pornography had had a positive effect on their attitudes towards sexuality, with only 7% feeling it had had a negative effect. Among the positive effects were: making them more open-minded about sex; increasing tolerance of other people’s sexualities; sustaining sexual interest in long-term relationships and making them more attentive to a partner’s sexual desires. Among the negative effects were that pornography led to the objectification of people; it caused them to have unrealistic sexual expectations and caused loss of interest in sex.

Pornography and under-18s But all that is for adults – it’s clearly and absolutely different for children. We all want the same outcome when teaching children and adolescents about pornography: we want them not to view it. We want them to resist the temptation to view it and also to understand the many arguments – psychological, societal and political – against it. So, what is the best way to achieve that without shaming them?

Comparison with anti-drugs education We should recall the radical way in which anti-drugs education changed in the 1990s. Up until then, teachers were encouraged to emphasise all the societal damage and mortal dangers of taking drugs. Then studies showed that this was having no effect at all on reducing drug-taking – if anything it glamourised it for teenagers. The ‘Just Say NO to Drugs’ campaign was dropped in favour of a risk-based approach. Teachers were empowered to acknowledge that most young people were likely to try taking

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-11

46

Pornography

illegal drugs at some point and so focused not on prevention but on safety. The advice focused on things like not taking drugs under a bridge next to a canal, but in safe places, with friends around you. Pupils were warned to question whether or not they knew what they were actually taking. This new form of anti-drugs education was more effective in reducing the amount of harmful drug-taking and was a fundamental shift towards giving teenagers the responsibility for making informed choices. There are parallels with the viewing of pornography by young people. It is Canutist to think that we can really make much difference to the amount of time some pupils will choose to spend watching pornography – but we can work really hard to help them understand all the arguments against it, in terms of their own psychological health and the negative social impact the industry has across the world. Allowing pupils to make informed choices has been proved by the anti-drugs campaigns to be the best and most effective way to reduce these harmful behaviours. In arguing against the viewing of pornography by children, it is also important not to shame those that choose – despite our advice – to use it. Shame just adds to the complications of emerging sexual feelings. We should emphasise instead that, like masturbation itself, viewing pornography should be private and not talked about openly with friends. It is the conversations involving pornography that can be so damaging to relational cultures in school and how they then evolve to include highly toxic attitudes to girls and women. In line with the anti-drugs education principles, we must therefore guide boys to understand the nature of the choices and decisions they are making. Through the Working with Boys programme we can provide opportunities for pupils to reflect on the fact that it is the talk about pornography which can be so damaging and corrosive to their relational cultures. It is when the relational culture of a group of boys or young men becomes infused with pornography, when they share and exchange pornographic stories, websites and images, and when they objectify girls and women, that sexualised peer-on-peer abuse can happen.

Pornography and its influence on relational cultures In Chapter 4 we saw how pupils engaging in pornographic talk at school can have such a detrimental effect on their attitudes and behaviour, especially towards girls and women. Adults want to do everything in their power to dissuade and prevent children and adolescents from viewing pornography. Schools also want to dissuade and prevent them from pornographic talk. It is through boys’ habitual engagement in sexualised banter that perverse and misogynistic attitudes can become normalised. The ability to laugh and joke about pornography can become part of an individual and group identity. After a while, talking about even the most extreme sexual behaviours no longer shocks, and the boundaries between morality and sexual abuse become blurred. In groups where talking about pornography is the norm and where girls and women are habitually objectified, every boy finds himself needing to engage with this culture or having to isolate himself from the group. Pumped up by and immersed in conversations about sex, it is almost inevitable that some boys will start to cross the line and behave in sexually inappropriate and ultimately abusive ways. It is how boys relate to each other, what they talk about and what they laugh about, that can cause rape culture to take hold.

Children in younger years Whilst there is evidence to show that children often first come across pornography by mistake, we have to acknowledge that, mistake or not, many of them continue to access it after that initial digital accident. Advice for a Year 5 or 6 teacher might include telling children that if they come across anything that makes them feel uncomfortable on the internet they should share that with the grownups at home and never worry that they are in trouble. But what if those Year 5 and 6 children want to revisit that site and continue to view those images? This is one of the great conundrums of our age. Whilst there may only be a few Year 5 and 6 children with whom we want to start having mature conversations about pornography, all the other pupils in the year group are entirely innocent, have no desire to talk about this stuff and every right to be protected from it until they are older.

Pornography

47

Parental responsibility There is no answer to this other than to promote the idea to parents that, if and when they give their child any form of internet enabled device, they need to start having a conversation about sexual images. If parents don’t think their child is ready for that conversation, then they shouldn’t give their child the device. That may be extreme advice, but this is an area where the schools have limited ability to educate and protect. A societal expectation has formed that sex education will exclusively be handled by teachers; but when it comes to younger children and the internet, that is simply not possible. Along with the communication that goes out to Years 5 and 6 parents about Relationships and Sex Education, schools should point out how easy it is for anyone to access pornography, whether by accident or design. Parental controls can be applied but should never be regarded as a fail-safe.

Conclusion As much as we might try to influence and persuade young people not to view pornography, using every argument we can express, the reality is that many will find it and choose to continue to access it. Our duty as teachers is to do our best to inform and persuade as best we can. In terms of the effect pornography has on fuelling sexual abuse, we have one important tool: we can continually emphasise to boys that pornographic talk is wrong.

Notes 1. There is no specific lesson topic on pornography in the Working with Boys programme. That is because this topic lies firmly within the existing PHSE/RSE curriculum. However, it is dealt with in the first Working with Boys lesson – called ‘Lesson One’. 2. McKee, Alan (2007) Positive and negative effects of pornography as attributed by consumers. Australian Journal of Communication.

11 Football! In this chapter: −− −− −− −−

Football, for ‘real’ fans, matters a great deal. ‘Professional foul’ is a euphemism for ‘cheating’. Looking at how the professional game is played can help lessen its corrosive effect on versions of masculinity. Breaktime football can be a ‘pinch-point’ for angry behaviour.

We will see in the next chapter how significant PE is, and how PE teachers play a vital role in helping boys form positive and supportive relational cultures; football, however, deserves its own chapter. Football is an area where boys’ relational cultures will be influenced by wider societal standards which are important for teachers to understand. In 2021, the pandemic-delayed European Championships reached a thumping climax when England’s men reached their first international final since the glorious World Cup victory in 1966. Such was the significance of this event in England that many people across the country (and possibly in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland too) who don’t normally watch football felt they wanted to see the event. It was live on telly, of course. Many very seriously dedicated non-football watchers, who can’t even stand the sound of a football match in the house, decided to watch the game. Italy were the opponents. It was an exciting game and England dominated the first half, though conceded momentum in the second half. With roughly 15 minutes left to play, and with the score at 1–1, a young England winger, Bukayo Saka, received a wonderful through pass. Although he was only a few yards inside the Italian half, he was pretty much clear through on goal. An Italian defender was in pursuit and was close enough to be able to reach out and touch Saka, but not close enough to tackle him within the rules of the game. The Italian grabbed Saka by the collar of his shirt and, quite roughly and with purpose and intent, pulled the Englishman to the ground. The punishment for this was a Yellow Card – effectively a warning which means if you do something like that again then you will be sent off, with no replacement allowed. Non-football watchers were outraged! “He can’t do that, can he? Surely that’s not allowed?” “You’re right,” said the football fans, “but he only gets a warning, sadly.” “But that’s just not right, that Italian just mugged him.” That single moment, in front of a huge audience – many of whom were watching their once-in-a-decade game – encapsulated everything that is wrong with the men’s professional game. For those occasional watchers of football, it confirmed their opinion that football is a game that doesn’t make sense; there is no justice, and without justice there is no point in getting involved. It’s just dull.

The professional foul Pundits call what happened ‘a professional foul’. But it isn’t ‘professional’, it’s cheating. This happens week-in, week-out in football, and it teaches young people that you can spin an act of ‘cheating’ to be something else if you use the right words. It would be so great if pundits, like Gary Lineker, could realise the harm that re-labelling cheating as a ‘professional foul’ does to the moral compasses of young people, and start a campaign to change the rules. Players should be sent off for an incident like that. Referees have strict guidelines about how to interpret the rules of the game and work hard every week to produce consistency in their rulings. A new rule could be introduced: When considering whether a player should be sent off (Red Card) or just warned (Yellow Card), referees should be mindful that young people are watching this game and the Referee’s decision will influence children’s understanding of what is right and wrong. Cheating is cheating and cheats should not be allowed to continue playing the game. Football is a sport, not war.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-12

Football! 49 Feigning injury Another form of cheating-in-plain-sight is the business of players feigning injury. Every week you see players get bumped and then roll around, thumping the ground with their forearms as if they were trying to frighten away a snake in the undergrowth. Even the TV commentators remark that you can always tell when a player is really hurt, because they lie still. It’s not good enough; it’s cheating.

Football fans If you are not a football fan you may not fully understand the importance it has in the lives of people who are. To be a real fan, in following any sport (and I mean real never-ever-wavering fandom), is a state of mind which you either understand or you don’t. Your loyalty to your team or club is hardwired in. Once you are a real fan, you give up any sense of choice. You can no more change your allegiance than opt to cut off your own arm. No matter how humiliating your team is, no matter how badly the club behaves towards its followers, nothing will ever change for you. Your team is your team, and that’s it. It probably happens more often in football than other sports. If you are not a real fan, you may be gently smiling at all this and wondering when I’m going to make my point. You may feel I am being insultingly trite to talk of the ‘pain’ of being a fan, but I can honestly say that when the team I support is winning matches I feel happier than when they are not; it matters to me.

What happens in the stands at football matches I went to see Sheffield Wednesday (my team) play an away game in East London. I was with a brother and we were sitting in front of a young family of home fans. The family consisted of father, mother, daughter aged about 11 and son, aged about 9. Something happened which summed up everything that is wrong with football and the way fans behave at games. At various moments in the game players from both sides received injuries and fell to the ground. The understanding is that, if you are injured you stay lying on the ground as a signal to the referee that you need treatment from the team doctor and physio. This is sensible. Players need to look after themselves and it is not always possible to know, in the heat of the moment whether the knock you have received means you should stop playing, or whether a quick rub and some painkiller spray will get you up and running again. As I said above, sometimes players can be guilty of exaggerating their injury, but nonetheless every instance has to be taken at face value in case it is, after all, serious. When a home player was injured and lay on the ground, the home-fan father behind me waited patiently for the player to receive treatment and then we all clapped when he got up to resume playing. However, when a Sheffield Wednesday player went down and was there for a couple of minutes, the father became impatient and started to mutter abusive remarks about the player. “Get up you *****. ” His remarks were condemnatory, unnecessary and unkind. My problem with him saying these things was the effect this was having on his son, who began to join in with the invective. What a damaging value for the father to espouse at that moment! There was no honour in his thinking, no sympathy, no sense of fair play or honest competition. Just bile; mild, you might say, but amazingly significant and corrosive to the attitudes his son took away from that moment. Later in the game I overheard the mother say to the father that she thought that my brother and I were probably Wednesday fans. That made me frightened. Goodness me! I am sitting enjoying a leisure-time activity, watching my team play a game of football and I felt intimidated because the young family behind me might have rumbled that I am ‘not one of them’.

So . . . the point . . . finally! If you are a real fan of football, none of the above will be news to you at all and you will have many stories probably more violent and shocking than the ones I have told. The point I am making is that football

50

Football!

matters to many boys, and the way the game is conducted by the players, the referees, the pundits and the fans is not a good example of gentle masculinity. Not even slightly. As teachers, once we realise the full extent of this corrosive influence, we can start to counter it in the minds of boys. We can debate the game and how it’s played; we can point out that though this behaviour happens in football it should not be allowed to affect the way they think about life, friends, competition and ‘others’.

Breaktime football Many boys love to play football, especially the informal kick-abouts at breaktimes. They may or may not be real fans, but the attitude they bring to the way they play with each other at these informal and unstructured times can sometimes spill over into conflict between them. Many teachers will acknowledge that moments when boys become shouty and even physical with each other have arisen because of an over-zealous tackle or a piece of deliberately annoying behaviour involving football. Breaktime football is high on the list of things many boys get angry about. Just as we need to have a debate about the effect the professional game has on their lives, we also need to promote self-regulation and shared values when playing football at breaktime. The Working with Boys lesson on Football allows boys to think metacognitively on this topic. Going ‘meta’ often and properly allows the boys’ minds to get better and better at self-regulation. The discussion needs to acknowledge that breaktime football is their chosen leisure activity and that they remain entitled to enjoy it, but also that they are responsible for making sure it goes smoothly. The aim is for the boys to play breaktime football without falling out with each other, and to enjoy themselves consistently. We want them to laugh and have fun, celebrate a piece of skill and immerse themselves in some friendly low-stakes competition. We want them to avoid getting wound up and agitated, and prevent the game being played with aggression and harshness. We want the banter that accompanies the game to be friendly, essentially supportive and mild. This, rather than simply threatening to ban football at breaktimes, is the best way to move towards effective self-management of this ‘pinch-point’ time of the school day. The way boys conduct themselves during these daily moments can be a key indicator of their relational culture. Not all boys play breaktime football but it is common enough in most schools for this to be an area of the daily routine that schools should take seriously and work hard on.

Next chapter The discussion about football in this chapter will be very familiar to PE teachers. It is time for their role to be acknowledged as central to boys’ relational cultures, and that is the topic of the next chapter.

12 PE teachers In this chapter: −− −− −− −−

The way relational cultures function is often most obvious in PE1 lessons. PE teachers are uniquely placed to help guide the value systems that underpin gentle masculinity. Boys want to be good at one thing at least. That one thing is often associated with sport in one way or another. Sport can be a great way for boys to desensitise to the fear of humiliation.

All hail, the PE teacher! What a job! PE teachers are uniquely placed to make a difference. It’s all very well the PSHE teacher nobly engaging with RSE2 and the Working with Boys programme, but it is largely in PE lessons that the effect of their work will be seen. How boys compete, and what values the teachers bring to the sporting arena, are critical. In no other subject area does the importance of values and ethics play out so obviously and viscerally as in PE. From the moment pupils arrive to get changed, or step out onto the court or field, the entire ethical and moral framework that encompasses the expectations of their behaviour is different from any other subject area. In PE lessons there is often also a dramatic shift in the hierarchy of talent, where pupils who may be the least able in academic subjects become the most able and respected; and vice-versa. PE is also a subject area where particular terrors can come to the surface for pupils. Getting changed into PE kit, having to work up a sweat, having to jump high or crawl on your belly, being knocked over, getting your hair messed up; these are all things that can be mortifying and potentially humiliating to both boys and girls. Having to exert themselves physically can make pupils flushed in the face and looking very different from the persona they have carefully crafted during the rest of the school day. In summary, PE lessons often present huge social risks for pupils. It is therefore the role of the PE teacher to create an ethos in which none of that matters. That is hard because there is a wide range of potential responses from pupils to the social risks they are being asked to take. Some need a lot of nurturing and encouragement just to resist the temptation to hide somewhere when PE lessons are timetabled. Others have so much enthusiasm for all-things-PE that their energy needs to be contained and focused so they don’t dominate the lesson.

Over-competitiveness PE teachers have to promote all the right values: play fair, play with dignity, play to win but not to humiliate; be equally gracious in victory as in defeat. Controlled aggression should never spill over into pugnacious brutalism. These values stick most of the time but the sport where they tend to be forgotten most often is – yes, football. The problem seems to be that the ethical influence that professional football brings to boys’ school sport is that winning is everything. Do you remember these lines of poetry? For when the Great Scorer comes to write against your name, He marks not that you won or lost but how you played the game. They were written by the sports writer Grantland Rice in 1927, so they are quite old! Nonetheless they are still highly relevant, especially in schools.

Support PE! We need to support our PE departments more. Senior Leaders, along with the staff who are teaching the Working with Boys programme, need to turn up to watch fixtures as often as they possibly can. Sport

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-13

52

PE teachers

matters, and not just because of its health-giving properties, but because it captures the key motivating factors I have talked about in this book: what many boys want and what they fear.

Being good at one thing Boys need to feel that there is at least one thing that they are good at. That one thing can ground them, help them feel they exist and have value. That one thing doesn’t have to be more than a moment of brilliance, and there are plenty of opportunities for those in sport. The one thing might just be a last minute tackle that saved a certain goal, or even an arm round the shoulder of the boy who scored an own goal that lost the 1st XI the regional cup final.

Fear of humiliation The great benefit of playing team as opposed to solo sports, is that each individual can share the pain if the team loses. Losing badly, losing when you expected to win, losing a cup final, losing in the last minute, losing because of an unforced error; these are all crushing experiences. But dealing with the pain of disappointment is something that brings the boys together. It is, perhaps, the one time when ironical remarks are put aside and genuinely supportive comments are made. Wow, PE is so important!

The next chapter In the final chapter of Part One, and before we look at specific lesson topics, Chapter 13 looks at the issue of parental attitudes to sexual abuse in schools and what to do when attitudes handed down to boys at home are at odds with the school’s behaviour policy.

Notes 1. Physical Education. 2. Relationships and Sex Education, now statutory in secondary schools.

13 Parental attitudes In this chapter: −− −− −−

Parenting is hard, especially parenting of adolescents. When parents and teachers disagree about the way forward following accusations of sexual abuse, the actual needs of the child are often overlooked. Schools can’t necessarily change the sexist views held by some parents; but they can empower the pupils to be upstanding.

There is no doubt that parenting is tough. There are the sleepless nights in babyhood, then tantrums during the ‘terrible twos’, then the first day of school – and so on. It is an odyssey of unparalleled joy – mixed with terror, anxiety and heartache. When it comes to adolescence, for some the journey their child makes is smooth, but for many it can be the hardest period in which to be an effective parent. When things are going badly for an adolescent, parents often look to schools for support. For example, they may seek help with motivating their teenager to perform better academically, or with supporting the young person through a period of troubling mental health. Whatever the issue, the quality of the relationship between teachers and parents is key. At best, parents and teachers work together in partnership, keeping the needs of the child foremost in their discussions and strategising. Communication is open, polite and mutually supportive. At worst, parents try to put undue pressure on teachers to resolve issues for which teachers are ill-equipped, or simply not in a position to resolve. Blame reigns supreme and teachers cower in the face of aggressive communications from parents. Teachers don’t always get things right either, and issues around the interpretation of school policies can cause real anguish and frustration at home. Sometimes, the pupils’ needs get forgotten when battles between home and school break out. Headteachers need to be robust in insisting on an expectation of trust and effective communication which focuses on the best outcomes for the pupils at all times. The Working with Boys programme is therefore focused exclusively on the pupils, their needs, their views and their futures. Some parents may want to influence the way the programme is designed and delivered, but schools have the right to deliver Relationships Education, which is statutory, in whatever way is agreed by the Senior Leadership Team working with Governors/Proprietors. Whilst every school wants to foster the best possible partnership with parents and carers, it is essential that the ultimate decisions about curriculum design and delivery remain with the professionals.

Parental attitudes to sexism and sexual abuse There remains, in society, a wide spectrum of views about how men and women should behave towards each other and how sexism and sexual micro-aggressions are defined. Whilst some sections of society are moving towards more egalitarian and inclusive attitudes, others are doubling down on less openminded ways of thinking. This is an area of particular concern for schools.

Example Let’s revisit Jim’s incident described in Chapter 4. You’ll recall that he sniggered when Ms Patel bent over at the front of the class to pick up a board marker she had dropped. This was deeply offensive and disrespectful not just to the teacher but to all the girls and women in the room. You will recall that Jim was suitably punished and had to apologise. His parents were informed, with the expectation that further sanctions and serious ‘talks’ would ensue at home as well. But what if Jim’s parents don’t agree? What if their judgment is that ‘boys will be boys’ and that the school is over-reacting?

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-14

54

Parental attitudes

If Jim’s parents do not support the sanctions imposed on Jim, there is not a lot teachers can do about it other than hold their ground. Let’s see how communication between home and school might play out in this situation. For example: From Mr and Mrs Smith, parents of Jim (Year 10): Dear Headteacher, I am writing to demand that the punishment unjustly and ridiculously given to our son Jim be taken off his record. The school has overreacted to the incident with Ms Patel last Tuesday. In our day, if every boy was punished for this sort of incident then there would never have been anyone in class! We are concerned that the school has taken an extreme view on behaviour and we shall be writing to complain about the leadership of the school to the Governors. The temptation is to write back: Dear Mr and Mrs Smith, I understand the depth of your feelings about what has happened to Jim since the incident with Ms Patel. However, our policy on sexualised abuse is clear and has been ratified by the Governing Body. I shall not be altering Jim’s record. If you would like a meeting to discuss this further, please feel free to make an appointment through the school office. However, where is Jim in this? As with any conflict and disagreement that arises between school and home, it should not end up being an argument between teacher and parent in which the perpetrator of wrong-doing – the child – is not actually involved. Would it not be better to write back to his parents with a simple, neutral email along the lines of, ‘I have received your email and note its contents’, but then go and talk to Jim? Jim is at the centre of this – not the Headteacher nor his parents. Before we look at how the conversation with Jim might be framed, let’s stop and ask: what about Ms Patel? Jim has apologised to her and she probably wants to move on, but she also wants to know that the incident has been thoroughly and conclusively condemned and resolved. An argument breaking out now between the Head and parents is unhelpful and potentially very damaging both to the life-lesson Jim needs to learn, and to Ms Patel’s right to be safe and respected in her place of work. In addition to the interview in which the Senior Leader re-establishes the moral absolutes around Jim’s behaviour, a further conversation is needed. This conversation with Jim would aim to tease out his thoughts about the incident and the tensions he may or may not be feeling about his parents’ attitude. The Senior Leader would not instruct Jim what to do or say, but would take time to discuss different attitudes to sexualised micro-aggressions as held by different generations. By including Jim in this more mature follow-up to his sanctions interview, we are empowering him to take ownership of his actions and perhaps decide to talk to his parents about how best he wants them to support him now. We are giving him a voice and agency in improving the outcomes of a bad moment.

Managing parents through the pupils Ultimately, we need to respond to parents by focusing on the pupils. This is partly because we have no other effective tools that don’t simply lead to conflict between the adults, and partly because we want the pupils to feel that they can challenge sexist attitudes whenever and wherever they witness them; and that starts at home. The pupils in our schools do know what is right and what is wrong when it comes to abusive behaviour, and they will need to be supported in challenging their parents’ views if those views are at odds with the behaviour policy. It is especially in the area of sexualised micro-aggressions that we need to make progress. We all know that it is not okay for a boy to smirk when a female teacher bends over; but such micro-aggressions have been overlooked, ignored or even tolerated for generations. Not any more. Just because some adults will continue to regard such behaviour as, say, ‘undesirable, but not punishable’, or sanctions delivered

Parental attitudes

55

for sexualised abuse as ‘woke gone mad’, they cannot be allowed to stand in the way. Sexualised microaggressions are a short step away from major aggressions and need to be taken more seriously and be more consistently condemned.

Change starts in school Schools are uniquely placed to make long term and profound changes to the way men relate to women. It is going to take a generation to see real change, but we cannot afford for naysayers to hold us up. We need to empower and embolden the next generation to be better and to bring their parents along with them. We do that by delivering the Working with Boys programme with determination and hope.

Part Two

Introduction The topic outlines in Part Two are designed to be prompts for lesson planning, rather than lesson plans in themselves. This allows each teacher to take ownership of each topic and make it their own; that ownership means the lessons will be delivered with passion and integrity.

Pedagogical style Getting the tone of delivery right is crucial. These lessons are delivered through Guided Reflection (see Chapter 9) in which pupils are encouraged to be honest and open about their own behaviours as a group and as individuals. We want pupils to take ownership of the dynamics and structure of their relational cultures. It is therefore the teacher’s role to facilitate that by: −− −−

holding up a mirror to pupils’ lives, the way they spend their time, the things they talk about and the way they form relationships; but also being non-judgmental, open minded, and perpetually curious about the lives of pupils.

Limits to the non-judgmental approach Being non-judgmental does not mean that there is no moral baseline framing the teacher’s stance; making it clear where dignity and virtue lie will always underpin these lessons. It is more that the teacher needs to resist the temptation to lecture and moralise. For example, boys may joke about their crude humour, prompting smiles and sniggers. If the teacher instantly condemns this with, “I don’t want to hear about smutty talk, thank you” then they have missed an opportunity for a profound discussion about swearing and boys talking about pornography. Instead, pupils need to be led to reflect on all aspects of crude humour: how does it make other people feel? Is it just about gaining credibility in the hierarchy of social standing? Does it not just make girls feel objectified, horrified and alienated? These questions are posed without explicit judgment, though there is a clear expectation that the discussion will lead to answers that are morally and ethically virtuous.

Be fair and never shame pupils As mentioned in Chapter 1, many boys are already passionate about building excellent relationships with each other and with girls, and are allies of the LGBTQ+ community. It is vital that the views and sensibilities of these boys are understood and acknowledged. Care needs to be taken that Working with Boys lessons never turn into boy-bashing, and that no boy leaves the room feeling shamed by the teacher or his peers. A boy who needs to reflect on his behaviour and attitudes may feel shame as a result of the lesson, but that shame should come from his own conscience.

Delivering Working with Boys lessons in such a way as to make boys feel stereotyped and unfairly condemned is the single biggest reason that the whole programme could fail.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-16

60

Introduction

What to expect Working with Boys won’t have much effect until the sessions become genuinely iterative. Pupils are good at filtering out the learning that the school doesn’t actually care that much about; if you really want them to take on board new learning, you have to repeat and repeat and be relentless. Teachers will notice distinct improvements in contributions and engagement after about five or six lessons because the pupils will realise that these lessons are not just a flash in the pan but are a priority. Working with Boys is not a workshop – it is a programme. Lessons will become better and better as they realise that this subject is about them, uniquely them.

These are not lessons about kindness It can be very tempting for a teacher in these lessons to stray into the region of defining the ways in which pupils should relate to each other. It may feel counter-intuitive not to provide pupils with a moral overlay or model which promotes kindness. But we have to ask: why is it necessary to keep reminding the pupils to be kind? Given how often teachers talk about kindness, there is clearly something about this message that washes out very quickly. Could it be that kindness is not actually an effective counter to powerful emotional forces such as fear of humiliation, insecurity, jealousy, rivalry, frustration, intolerance, anger, bitterness, selfishness, ego and unfairness? Asking a pupil to be kind in the face of these forces is of little use, and we fail the children if we really think kindness is the only answer. We need to include kindness in our overall messaging to pupils, but also move beyond it.

Empathy plus Instead, we need to work on evoking empathy. Teachers who have been trained to use the Girls on Board approach will know just how powerful the evocation of empathy can be. Empathy is an emotion which needs to be prompted and fuelled, but once felt, can power through conflict like a knife through butter and create resolutions to conflict within minutes. At least it does with girls – not so much with boys. As we have seen, girls fear isolation, and empathy is the emotion that empowers girls to resolve their friendship turbulence for themselves. Boys, on the other hand, fear humiliation and an empathetic approach does not work because boys won’t readily acknowledge their fear of humiliation because it is humiliating. That doesn’t mean that evoking empathy is not a big part of the solution to supporting boys to overcome their fear of humiliation, it just takes other things too. It takes iterative sessions of metacognitive discussions about a complete range of topics which cover many aspects of boys’ experience of the world and life. The effect of these sessions accumulates so that metacognitive reflection becomes a thinking habit. This thinking habit is the mechanism by which they learn to inhibit the base imperatives that drive their teenage brains. In short, they learn to self-regulate. They self-regulate their language, their tendency to be over-competitive, their desire to put others down, and their sexual thoughts. They learn to reject sour forms of masculinity in favour of gentleness because they can see the benefits, both for themselves and for the group. This is a team effort and a collaborative approach. The Working with Boys programme takes the boys on a journey, moving at the same speed through all the drivers that tempt them to take anti-social risks, and shows them the space that virtuous adults inhabit. The programme works with their imperatives rather than trying to deny them or scorn them.

Introduction

61

Programme delivery Just to be clear, none of these lessons is suitable for an assembly. Class sizes should be no more than 30. Each lesson outline is centred on Year 7. Each lesson topic chapter will provide explanations about how the material can be adapted for younger children, down to Year 5, and older children up to Year 13. In general terms, however, delivery of these topics to Years 5 and 6 is very similar to delivery to Year 7, with two important differences: 1.

2.

In Years 5 and 6 you can teach this material. In other words, the need for a Guided Reflection style is not as urgent because the children are still of a mindset where they are happy and keen to be taught about life by an adult. They have not yet reached the stage where their adolescent brain is constantly challenging the status quo. This age group will welcome being taught and will contribute willingly, especially if you mix your didactic style with the sense of perpetual curiosity mentioned above. You will need to make adjustments to ensure the material is age-appropriate. That may mean that all the discussion topics relating to sexualised language and pornographic talk will need to be very carefully considered before delivery. Teachers of primary age children will be aware that primary schools have a choice as to whether or not to deliver sex education outside the science curriculum. If the decision is not to deliver sex education outside the science curriculum, then especial care needs to be taken in these topic areas. If the school is delivering sex education as part of PSHE, then there needs to be careful collaboration between the Sex Education teachers and the Working with Boys teachers.

When delivering the programme to Year 8 and above, new materials can be introduced as appropriate to augment the outlines described here in the book. The effect of the programme is cumulative and re-affirming. As boys in your school mature, the nature of the discussions will become gradually more sophisticated; the contributions the boys make will mutate and evolve. There will be times when the pupils are only interested in undermining the content of lessons, and other times when they are eager to endorse and enhance it. The important thing is to continue to be curious about pupils’ lives and be open to their suggestions about how topics can be introduced to keep the programme relevant and engaging.

Question Chains Most of the lesson topics include Question Chains. You use these by simply reading them out one after the other. Some questions will provoke lots of discussion, and others one-word answers. You can, of course, diverge from the chain at any point and allow the discussion to go where the pupils take it. The Question Chains are designed to get to the heart of the lesson topic.

Topic outline

Starter Every Working with Boys lesson should start with revisiting the concept of masculinity. See Chapter 5 and also the next chapter, ‘Lesson One’. Write the words ‘Versions of Masculinity’ on the board as a title. Draw a vertical line to create two columns; mark one side ‘Gentle’ and the other ‘Sour’. The first time you do this, you introduce the topic of masculinity with a script (which you can adapt for yourself) which reads: We know that the word ‘masculinity’ means everything to do with being a boy or man. The word for girls and women is ‘femininity’. It seems to me, though I am always interested to know what you think too, that there are as many versions of masculinity as there are boys and men in the world. But when it comes down to how you relate to each other, how you make friends, how you support each other and what happens when you fall out, it is useful to see masculinity as a binary choice. You can either be gentle, or you can be sour. I’d like everyone to think of a synonym for either one of these words and I will start you off. For gentle, we could have ‘caring’ and for sour we could have ‘harsh’. The subsequent times you teach this, just give a shortened version of that speech. Then go round the room and garner contributions and record them on the board in the correct column. You might need to intervene if the pupils simply produce a stream of synonyms followed by antonyms; for example, one pupil says ‘kind’ and the next says ‘unkind’. It is great if, when a pupil produces a word that is surprisingly expressive, you show your approval and delight. That might be in response to words like ‘cold-hearted’ for sour, or ‘noble’ for gentle. If a pupil can’t think of a synonym then move on and see if they have thought of one after the rest if the class has finished. This shouldn’t be stressful and it’s not a test. You will find that, after a few weeks of repeating this exercise at the beginning of every lesson, the pupils get better and better at it; they will take pride in finding words that prompt a delighted reaction from you. At some point, in the first lesson, some pupil is likely to suggest the word ‘mean’ for ‘sour’. Write MEAN in capitals and follow up either straight away or at the end of the exercise with this speech: Mean is such a great word isn’t it? I wonder if you agree, but it seems to me that calling someone mean is hard to come back from. If someone is calling you names or just generally behaving towards you in a way that is not right and makes you unhappy and uncomfortable, then you just call them mean. “Stop being mean.” “You’re just being mean right now.” The mean person may huff and puff for a little while and try to find other ways to attack you, but no one likes to be called mean and it will stick. When you teach this for the first time, you may want to take around 10 to 15 minutes on this whole exercise and explore some of the meanings of the different synonyms. When you use this exercise as a starter in subsequent lessons, you may want to take 5 to 10 minutes on it.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-17

Starter

63

Years 5 and 6 When you deliver this starter to Years 5 and 6, you can check in with the pupils about how these versions of masculinity appear to them in their lives. Ask the pupils whether they have seen any good examples of gentle and/or sour behaviour in the last week, and analyse their contributions. Those examples may come from their own relational cultures, or they may have witnessed it in other pupils within the school or on TV.

Year 8 and above Any lesson content that is repetitive is likely to be met, in time, by some sighing and eye-rolling from the pupils. You should take this as an opportunity to explore whether the repetitive nature of the exercise is working for the pupils or putting them off. Ask whether the concept of these two distinct versions of masculinity are having an effect and if not, why not. This is an opportunity for pupils to think metacognitively about the programme they are taking part in and to revisit and reignite the idea of the co-created outcomes of these lessons.

Extension You can extend the exercise by inviting pupils to give examples, from the real world or from fiction, of boys and men who strongly exhibit either gentle or sour masculinity. You can also explore types of femininity too.

Lesson outline

Lesson One1 Whilst the order in which the lesson outlines described in the following chapters can be moved around, it is a good idea to start with this one. Start with the starter exercise described in the previous chapter, but introduce that with this exercise: Ask the pupils for a show of hands as to who has a brother, cousin, family member or family friend who is a boy between the ages of 13 and 17 who has problems with open and fluent communication – in other words, they tend to grunt their answers to a simple, ‘Good morning’. Whilst the reference to grunting may raise a smile amongst the class, it is important not to be condemnatory of boys who find talking to parents and siblings hard. As one or two pupils put up their hands to share their experiences of the teenage boys who fit this description, draw out from these anecdotes that the boys in question tend to spend a lot of time in their bedrooms; they don’t always get on well with their younger siblings; and they often don’t present as particularly happy or fulfilled. Then say: Thank you for those stories. I think we can agree that for the teenage boys we have heard about today, life is hard. They struggle to express themselves well and they seem, to the outside world, to be struggling with motivation and engagement. In the lessons we are going to have over the next few weeks I want to help the boys here avoid struggling in this way. We are going to work out why these boys end up like they are and what you can do to remain consistently motivated and a good communicator. For the girls here, we are going to explore ways in which you can support the boys, to help them too. Then: Do the starter as described in the last chapter. Then: Write the title of this next topic high up on the board: The Line of Sensitivity. Then draw a long horizontal line on the board, and put a very small vertical line in the middle. On the left hand end of the line write the descriptor: Way Harsh, and the right hand end write: Soft as Butter.

Way Harsh

Mid Point

Soft as butter

This is the line of sensitivity. At the far left hand end of the line you are ‘way harsh’. That means that nothing anyone says to you will upset you – you can take it, you’re HARD. On the right hand end of this spectrum, you are as soft as butter. That means you might come into school, someone says ‘good morning’, you burst into tears and go home. I’m going to ask the boys first to come up one by one and place their initials on the line of sensitivity. After each boy has placed his initials I am going to ask the girls if they agree with this boy’s self-assessment of his sensitivity. Then give the first boy a board marker and off you go. If you have a big class you may want to restrict the number of boys coming to the front. If you are teaching boys on their own, just

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-18

Lesson One 65 ask them to give their opinions of each self-assessment. If you have girls, then get them to do the exercise too. There is much discussion to be had about where the pupils put themselves on the line. Someone, at some point, may ask whether the self-assessment is how they feel or how they appear to the rest of the world. Again, a great discussion point and worth raising yourself if the pupils don’t raise it. At the end of that exercise you then draw a long vertical line to cross the horizontal line in the middle. This is the line of acceptability. You will have heard the expression: You crossed the line when you said that unacceptable thing. This is the line. Is it fair to say that those pupils who have put their initials to the left of this line – at the ‘harder end’ – are more likely to say things that are unacceptable? Is that fair? Adult content on the internet The aim of the short script that follows is to make clear to the pupils in Year 7 that whilst the viewing of pornography is something that they and their parents will decide upon, it is pornographic talk in school that can be so damaging. When you are at home, many of you will have access to the internet. Whether your access is limited or filtered by the grownups is something for them and you to decide upon. When it comes to adult content – things that are absolutely not designed for children to view – it is not the school’s role to interfere. However, the school is very clear that talking about adult content in inappropriate ways is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Are we all clear about that?

Parrot on the shoulder It can be useful to invite boys to imagine they have a parrot on their shoulder all the time. The parrot listens to everything they say and is capable of blurting out their conversations at the most embarrassing moment – in front of senior teachers, parents, grandparents, carers. The parrot-on-theshoulder idea invites boys to reflect that they have to take responsibility for what they say – at all times and to all people. Such is the desire to make peers laugh to gain influence and respect that this aspect of self-regulation is one of the hardest to achieve. It requires the boys to think metacognitively about their interactions and perform that form of thinking repeatedly.

Finishing off As outlined in Chapter 9, it is very important to check your thinking as you sign off the lesson. Resist the temptation to sum up the learning and be very careful not unwittingly to take ownership of the learning outcome back to yourself.

Years 5 and 6 This lesson works equally well in Years 5 and 6 as it does in Year 7, though the speech about adult content is something you’ll have to agree upon with senior leaders. Don’t forget that, with this age group, you can teach the topic rather than only using Guided Reflection.

66

Lesson One

Year 8 and above This lesson will generate some controversy in older years. Boys’ self-image is much more established now than it was in Year 7. This exercise will challenge the status quo of relational cultures in relation to expressing emotions. Care should be taken over the feedback from girls about each boy’s sensitivity self-assessment to ensure it does not become cruel and personal. There is social risk involved in this exercise and potential humiliation is not far from the surface.

Extension How pupils present themselves in terms of their sensitivity is a big topic and more can be made of the difference between how they present on the outside as opposed to how they feel on the inside. Further questions to raise: −− −− −−

If there is a big difference between the way people present their sensitivity to the world and how they feel inside, does that make them fake? Does that make them easier to bully? Would the world be a better place if everyone could be entirely honest about how they feel all the time? Is it damaging to someone’s mental health if he/she has to pretend how they feel?

Note 1. Don’t forget – these lesson topics are all designed for Year 7, with tips at the end of each chapter about how you can adapt the teaching for Years 5 and 6, and Year 8 and above.

Topic outline

Banter This topic combines well with the lesson topic of Humour. The topic of banter is core to the programme because by revisiting it frequently, the teacher is delivering opportunities for boys to form the cognitive habit of thinking about banter objectively and analytically. No one can actually stop boys talking inappropriately amongst themselves if they choose to, but we can create the conditions in which they learn the benefits of self-regulation. Self-regulation is one of the central aims of the Working with Boys programme and has its own lesson topic. Use the starter as usual. Then: Ask pupils for their current understanding of the nature of banter, and add your own definition if appropriate. Point out that: −− −− −−

Banter should be an exchange of humorous teasing, not just one way. Banter is a completely natural way in which adolescent boys communicate, and often girls too. There is good banter and bad banter. Bad banter is where teasing tips over into bullying and cruelty. Good banter is where teasing is humorous for both parties in the exchange. Good banter can be full of fun and joy and can be very validating. To be included within good banter exchanges is a mark of respect.

Sexualised banter As described in Chapter X, problems arise when the banter between boys becomes sexualised. In other words, boys’ humorous exchanges become centred around talking about sex, pornography, girls and women; the language they use is disrespectful and objectifying. The story of Jim and Ms Patel, as described in Chapters 4 and 13, is a good one to recount. Pornographic talk and the over-use of the topic of sex as a way of bonding and creating banter is corrosive, leads to relational cultures that are sour, and can lead to the sexual abuse of girls and women.

Audit Using technology if you can, perform an audit of attitudes to, and uses of, banter in the year group. The results of the audit should be gendered to draw out the distinction between boys’ and girls’ attitudes to banter. The options for each answer should be Strongly disagree, Disagree, Agree, Strongly agree. (You will note that there is no ‘midpoint’ answer; this is so that the survey will produce definitive answers.)

The audit questions 1. Boys in my year group make jokes about each other that are funny. 2. Boys in my year group make jokes about each other that are cruel and hurtful.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-19

68

Banter

3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

Boys in my year group make jokes that refer to pornography. Boys in my year group make jokes about sex. Boys in my year group make sexual jokes about girls in the year group. Boys in my year group make sexual jokes about girls in the school but outside the year group. Boys in my year group enjoy their banter with each other which is mostly wellmeaning and not hurtful. 8. Teachers don’t understand how banter works in my year group. 9. The grownups at home don’t understand how banter works in my year group. 10. I don’t enjoy banter. Announce the results and hold a discussion.

Question Chain −− −− −− −− −− −− −− −− −− −− −−

Is teasing each other important? If you were never allowed to tease your friends, how would that change your friendships? If teasing is always one way and never becomes banter (in other words an exchange of teasing), is it fair to call it bullying? Is banter always verbal, or is it sometimes physical too? Is there a difference in the quantity and type of banter between boys and between girls? If so, what are those differences? Do boys and girls banter with each other? If so, when does that cross over into flirting? Does the perception that you might be flirting prevent banter between boys and girls? Do you agree that banter can go too far? If so, what do you mean by too far? Who draws ‘the line’? Does banter that goes too far include sexualised banter? If boys are exchanging sexualised banter in the earshot of girls, do the girls find this offensive? What about the other way round? How easy is it for someone to challenge (or ‘call out’) banter which goes too far? Is such a challenge taking a social risk? Do you think you have a clearer understanding of how banter works than you did before? Do you think it is important to be aware of how far the banter goes?

Years 5 and 6 As discussed in Chapter 5, when it comes to this age group we know that some pupils are knowledgeable about sexual matters and also access pornography, whilst the majority remain in a state of age-appropriate innocence. It is therefore not appropriate to dwell on the topic of sexualised banter. Questions 3, 4, 5 and 6 of the survey should therefore be omitted. Similarly, the first five questions of the question chain are appropriate, but the rest should not be attempted. Instead, the teacher can show disapproval of the fact that some boys and men joke about girls and women in ways that are over-personal, including making remarks about how they look and the shape of their bodies.

Banter 69 Year 8 and above Be prepared for this survey to produce results that need acting on. The results may well lead to a discussion about the feelings the girls (and boys) have about the way the boys behave and what they say to each other. This is an important opportunity for the teacher to express the moral baseline: sexualised banter is not acceptable, it is disrespectful and can lead to sexualised abuse.

Extension Banter is an important part of any relational culture and is often a useful indicator of how comfortable it is to exist inside that culture. Taking the examples of ‘good’ banter from Chapter 4 and expanding on those scenarios can be an effective way of extending the discussion on this topic. Invite the pupils to think of examples of good banter and bad banter and share them with the class.

Topic outline

Hierarchies Use the starter as usual. Taken from Chapter 3: The teacher turns to a girl1 and asks, “If I asked you to write down, on a piece of paper, all the boys whose names you know in your year group in rank order, could you do that? I’m not saying I want you to do that, but if you had to, could you do that?” The girl may start by looking a little embarrassed or sheepish; her friends may indicate they would like to answer for her. She may ask the teacher what are the criteria for the rank ordering, in which case you say it is about social status or influence. Alternatively, she may not ask you for the criteria and she will have assumed, as will most of the class, that you meant social status and influence. If no one in the class asks about the criteria, then it is an interesting point to reveal that most of the pupils appeared to assume it was about social status and that this assumption was a fairly obvious one to make. Teachers, on the other hand, would assume the rank ordering question referred to academic performance. You can then ask the boys if they could rank order themselves, and if they could rank order the girls, and if the girls could rank order themselves. The debate may well reveal that hierarchies are configured and operate differently amongst girls and boys. You can suggest, as a short debating point, that girls’ hierarchies tend to be ranked in friendships groups rather than as a long list of individuals, although there may well also be rank order within each friendship group. Not all year groups are hierarchical, and if that appears to be the case then this lesson topic may be less relevant. But I suggest that, as you work through the question chain below, you may well find that the group is more hierarchical than they first admit. It is worth re-reading Chapter 3, ‘Who’s on top?’ to refresh your understanding of the importance of hierarchy as a topic within the Working with Boys programme.

Question Chain −− −− −− −− −−

−−

−−

Are the hierarchies amongst the boys the same as amongst the girls? Is it the case that the girls are less hierarchical, but that it might be true to say that groups of girls can be rank ordered and that there are rank orders within the groups? Are the group sizes of friendships different for boys and girls? Is it true that, on the whole, girls form friendship groups of 2, 3, 4 and 5; whereas boys tend to hang out in much larger groupings which overlap? Without naming names, think of the top influencers amongst the boys. Would you say these boys have adopted ‘gentle’ or ‘sour’ versions of masculinity? (In Years 5 to 7 this may not yet be clear, but in Year 8 and above it probably is clear.) Are the top influencers generally constructive or disruptive? Would you agree that, on the whole, in boy hierarchies there are around 5% to 10% of boys at the ‘top’, about 5% to 10% at the ‘bottom’ and the rest loosely grouped in the ‘middle’? If not, what other models can you suggest? Would you agree that a boy’s hierarchical position is largely based on his ability to influence others, either directly or indirectly? If not, how do you think hierarchies are defined?

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-20

Hierarchies 71 −− −−

−− −− −−

−− −−

How do boys move up and down the hierarchy? Does a boy who shows little emotion during hard times move up and does a boy who cries when things go wrong move down? If so, does that make it hard for boys to express their emotions? Is it different for girls? Do girls cry more? Is it okay for a girl to cry but not for a boy? Do you think it is right to say that humour is the currency of influence? In other words, the boy who can make others laugh is more popular and has more influence. If you agree that humour plays a big part in the hierarchy, do boys tend to make jokes at other boys’ expense? Is that how a boy who generally exerts disruptive influence becomes dominant? Has this discussion made you more aware of how the hierarchical structure works in your year group? Is the hierarchical structure in your year group promoting gentler forms of masculinity? If not, how might you change that?

Signing off Don’t forget that at the end of the lesson there is no need to summarise the discussion. Dismiss the class neutrally by thanking them for their contributions.

Years 5 and 6 The answers to all the questions in the chain will change with maturity. The way younger years form hierarchies is different, and what makes one boy more influential than another also changes over time. Otherwise, this lesson topic works equally well in Years 5 and 6 as it does in Year 7.

Year 8 and above These older years may be more cautious about discussing this topic because there is social risk involved in uncovering the inner workings of rank order and influence. The girls may well reveal how much more they know and understand about the social rankings of boys than the boys realise themselves, and vice-versa.

Extension Every question in the Question Chain has the potential for extended debate. If you use the Question Chain to fill one lesson, and therefore move the discussion on fairly quickly, you can always revisit any single question for more in-depth consideration in a subsequent lesson.

Note 1. In an all-boys school, the teacher might ask, ‘Let’s just imagine I was not a teacher, but I was one of you – a boy in your year. Do you think I could rank order all the boys in the year group? Hands up for yes; now, hands up for no.’

Topic outline

Humour Use the starter as usual. It is great to kick this lesson off with a video of some humour. My recommendation is to search YouTube for clips from Friends in which Chandler’s need to be seen as ‘the funny guy’ is explored. Search for ‘Chandler, funniest guy’. The topic of humour sits alongside the topics of Banter and Hierarchies neatly, and the three topics often overlap. Question Chain −− −− −− −−

−− −− −− −− −−

Does it matter what you find funny? Are some jokes unacceptable, or does a joke being unacceptable just make it funnier because it is risky too? Banter is an exchange of teasing remarks; but how do you stop the teasing from becoming cruel and unkind? If someone is going to step in to stop banter becoming cruel, should it be up to the person making the unkind joke, or his victim, or the bystanders? We know that just accusing someone of being mean can be a good way to silence their unkindness; are there any other good ways to retort in order to protect either yourself or someone who is being cruelly teased? If someone, perhaps near the bottom of the social hierarchy, is upset by a joke made about him, does that make the joke funnier? If someone, perhaps near the top of the social hierarchy, is upset by a joke made about him, does that make the joke funnier? Is it true that being really close friends sometimes means that two boys might use exceptionally cruel humour with each other – but that is okay because they have a lot of trust? Is it true that when a boy near the top of the hierarchy of influence delivers a cruel joke to a boy below him, but with a smile, it can be an invitation for the boys to be closer friends? We talked about this before, when we looked at Hierarchies: is humour the currency of influence? Has your view changed following today’s discussion?

Years 5 and 6 Pupils in younger years have often not yet learned the subtleties of banter and the exchange of mutual teasing. Caution is therefore needed not to disturb the natural balance of interactions that already exist. Teachers should review this lesson and judge whether it is needed for the level of maturity being shown by their class.

Year 8 and above It is in these year groups that humour becomes a significant part in defining relational cultures. Therefore, combined with the topics of Banter and Hierarchies, this is a topic well worth revisiting. If the lesson is simply being repeated, then preparation work is needed to re-express the Question Chain.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-21

Humour Extension Consider a more philosophical approach to the topic of humour and use this Question Chain: −− −− −− −− −−

Are humans the only animals that laugh? If so, what function does humour play in the lives of human beings? Why do some forms of humour appeal to some people and not others? Is a shared sense of humour an important foundation for friendship? How easy is it to get on with someone who does not share your sense of humour? Can you control what you laugh at? If someone says something that is unacceptable but seems to hit your ‘funny bone’, is it okay to laugh involuntarily?

73

Topic outline

Humiliation Use the starter as usual.

Start by talking about girls Whether girls are part of this lesson or not, it is useful to begin by exploring the different imperatives that apply to girls and boys. As described in Chapter 2, girls fear isolation and that tends to mean that having at least one person (usually a girl) in their year group in their school to call a friend is the most important thing to ensure their happiness. Without at least that one friend, girls can go through very tough times. Boys fear isolation too, but not to the same extent. For boys, the thing they fear most is humiliation.

What boys fear On the whole, boys don’t like talking about humiliation because it is humiliating. That makes it hard even to get the boys’ agreement that fear of humiliation is a ‘thing’ for them. However, it doesn’t matter if they don’t agree because the lesson exercise will begin the process of desensitising them to humiliation anyway. The more the boys talk about humiliation in an objective and analytical way, the faster they learn to deal with the feeling with less trauma.

Anthropology It is worth exploring the anthropological origins of girls’ fear of isolation and boys’ fear of humiliation. There is safety in numbers for pubescent girls and, as it says in Chapter 2, ‘evolutionary biology has made boys form hierarchies to select the toughest. Humiliation is the mechanism by which male hierarchies create rank order without necessarily resorting to violence.’

‘Poo-Boy’1 Here’s a scenario that will draw out the difference between girls’ and boys’ reaction to humiliation. “Let’s suppose there was a girl in a lesson who had a ‘poo’ accident. She has an upset stomach which has just this moment come on. She didn’t realise what was happening, but some watery poo came out. She is mortified and totally embarrassed. Everyone in the room can smell what has happened and knows from her reaction that she must be the one who had the accident. The teacher reacts compassionately and tells the girl to go to the toilet to sort herself out. The teacher asks which girl will go with her to offer support and perhaps go to the office to find fresh uniform and underwear. The girl chooses a friend and they leave the room.” As you relate this story, there will some strong reactions and laughter, which is great. Some girls may object to the idea that they would willingly support the girl who had the accident, but you can point out that they are only there to support, not actually help her clean herself.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-22

Humiliation 75 You then ask the girls, “So, when the girl who had the accident comes out of the building at breaktime, how would you react towards her? Would you ignore her? Would you express sympathy, or would you treat her as if nothing had happened in order to spare her embarrassment?” The debate these questions prompt is interesting and usually wide ranging in responses. Generally speaking, you will probably find that the girls want to support the girl and ameliorate her anguish as best they can. We now turn to the boys. “Boys, let’s now imagine that it was a boy who had had the accident. What would be different about this scenario if we switched genders? First of all, do you think the teacher would have invited another boy to help?” The likely answer is ‘no’. The teacher might instead have rung the school office to alert them to the fact that there was a boy in the toilet in need of some spare trousers and help. “And what would happen when the boy comes onto the playground?” At this point you may well find the boys reacting very differently to the way we saw the girls react. Their temptation may be to ridicule the boy, or ignore him completely, or to call him ‘Poo-boy’ for many years to come. As you guide the discussion that follows the two gendered versions of the scenario, you are aiming to draw out the way in which, on the whole, it is in girls’ interests to look out for each other and support each other, because the more harmonious their relational culture, the less likely they are to find themselves isolated. The boys, on the other hand, can be only too pleased to see the boy humiliated because humiliation will see his status fall within the hierarchy. As his status drops, everyone else’s rises. Not only that, but this has come about without any effort or social risk on their part. The humiliation was entirely self-inflicted from their point of view. The exercise has the potential to hold up a mirror and expose the way in which boys have a tendency to be much harsher and less supportive of each other than girls. Linking that to their fear of humiliation is a first step in the de-sensitisation process and also elides nicely into the topic of hierarchies. An alternative scenario, perhaps a little less extreme but which also fits well with the lesson topic on Competition, is this: Imagine a girl is taking part in a cross-country run. It is part of a PE lesson but there are House/ Merit Points being awarded and the class is taking this run seriously. The girl falls over and scrapes her knee. She is not badly injured, but is likely to have to hobble her way back to the start line. You then ask the girls: “If you were running up behind her, and she was a friend, would you stop and help her up, or would you just run past?” You listen to the answers and then ask the boys the same question, but this time it is a boy who has fallen over.

Question Chain −− −− −− −− −− −−

Everyone finds humiliation unpleasant. Is it worse for boys or girls, or is it about the same? Are boys and girls humiliated by different sorts of things? Can you give examples? Do boys and girls deal with being humiliated differently? Who tries to humiliate each other more? Boys or girls? Is it different if a boy humiliates a girl? What tends to happen then? Is it different if a girl humiliates a boy? What is different?

76

Humiliation Years 5 and 6 This lesson works equally well for Years 5 and 6, and you can also add a layer of morality to the debate. If it is true that the girls would tend to react more supportively, then shouldn’t the boys learn something from that? Does that make girls better than boys?

Year 8 and above When you revisit this lesson topic you may want to consider a different scenario, although it can also be interesting to discover whether or not pupils’ attitudes to the ‘poo-boy’ scenario have changed with maturity.

Extension By Year 9 the pupils may respond better to a more philosophical approach to the question of humiliation.

Question Chain −− −− −− −− −− −−

How does humiliation relate to hierarchy and banter? Do boys set out to humiliate each deliberately and if so, is that just part of play-fighting like lion cubs? What about trauma – is it okay to witness a peer being traumatised and do nothing? Is an empathetic reaction to poo-boy – or someone who has been humiliated through no fault of their own – out of the question for boys? What social risks are implied by supporting him? Where do altruism and karma fit in here – if a boy shows compassion, can he expect compassion in return?

Note 1. This scenario works best in a co-ed situation. If there are no girls in the room, then ask the boys to imagine the girls’ reaction.

Topic outline

Anger Use the starter as usual. Looking in detail at anger as one of most dominant negative emotions is a crucial lesson in emotional literacy for young people. As with all the topic outlines, this one can be built on and revisited at any point in the programme when the opportunity arises. We all tend to get angry at times and we respond to anger in different ways; how we deal with anger can be a huge strength or a significantly limiting factor in our lives. ‘Getting better’ at dealing with their own anger and dealing with other people’s anger is the aim of this lesson for pupils.

Audit Using technology if you can, perform an audit of things the pupils tend to get angry about. As before, the results of the audit should be gendered to draw out the distinction between boys and girls.1 The options for each answer should be: Strongly disagree, Disagree, Agree, Strongly agree – and this time add: Not Applicable. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

I get angry with siblings who break my stuff, invade my space, are favoured by the grownups at home. I get angry with the grownups at home when they treat me as if I am two years younger than I actually am. I get angry playing online games. I get angry playing breaktime football. There is at least one other boy in my year group who makes me angry. I get angry with teachers who bore me, or go too fast.

There may be other things that make the pupils angry, but the ones listed in the audit are common to many of them and are specific to their age. After reading out the results, you may notice differences between the genders which can be useful to draw out. Those things might be around loyalty, being honest and frank.

Points for discussion following the results −−

−−

−− −− −−

For each of the audit points it is valuable to allow pupils to air their thoughts; don’t forget that you are perpetually curious about their views and experiences. As they share, there may be a lot of undirected chatter, but it is useful to allow that chatter to persist for a while. Empathy is evoked during these less structured moments as pupils realise that they have much in common in areas of their life that they don’t usually discuss. Explore how pupils deal with their anger – punching a pillow, screaming when alone, ranting in a diary, ranting to the family pet, etc. Finding ways to express anger is an important part of maturing. You can point out that anger, when held in for too long, can become a source of stress and unhappiness. If there is enough trust in the room, you might also explore how the grownups at home express their anger and what the pupils have learnt from that. Where does apologising sit in relation to anger? If someone is angry with you because you did something wrong, does the fact that they lost their temper put them in the wrong?

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-23

78

Anger Catharsis exercise It is a judgment call whether you want to perform this exercise with pupils from Years 5 to 7, but it is certainly useful in Year 8 and above. Ensure every pupil has plenty of paper and a pencil or pen – this exercise should only be done on paper, not a computer. If possible, try to create some privacy for each pupil, even if that just means sitting at a paired desk with their backs turned towards each other. The exercise lasts a full, timed 20 minutes – don’t try to cut it short because you will spoil it if you do. Call out the time remaining like you would in an exam. The task for the pupils is to write down anything that makes them angry, sad, depressed, anxious – in fact any and every negative emotion they can think of. If they want to rant about their best friend, or their parent(s) or even you, the teacher, that’s fine. It’s fine because – strictly – no one will ever see what they write. What they write about is their choice, it’s not a test. If they choose to write nothing or very little, that’s fine too. At the end of the exercise, they are going to shred their paper, with your supervision. That may mean leading the entire class to the school office and taking the papers from them one by one so they can witness you shredding it. Or, if possible, you may have a shredder in your room. As they hand you their papers, you might ask them to say, ‘I shred my anger.’ During the exercise you may find some pupils just stare into the distance and don’t want to engage. That’s fine. Others may demand more and more paper, so be prepared for that. You may be asked questions such as, ‘Can I write about this, or that.’ Try to shut the questions down quickly because they already know they can write about anything or – for that matter – nothing. Silence is needed. Not every pupil will gain from this exercise but it is worth doing nonetheless.

Years 5 and 6 Pupils in Years 5 and 6 are certainly old enough to know what it’s like to lose their temper and to experience others losing it at them. So there is nothing in this lesson outline that needs specific adjustment. However, many pupils of this age can feel uncomfortable if asked to talk about the grownups at home negatively. That doesn’t mean they are not able to be insightful about the parenting and care they receive, but you should be respectful by not asking them to question their loyalty too much.

Year 8 and above Learning to deal with anger, both our own and anger directed at us, is an important emotional and life skill. This lesson topic becomes increasingly relevant as pupils progress through teenage years. If you plan to repeat the catharsis exercise it would be worth seeing if the pupils really want to do that before going ahead.

Extension It can useful to have a more philosophical discussion about the purpose of anger as an emotion.

Anger Question Chain −− −− −− −− −− −− −−

Do we need anger? What would happen if no one ever got angry? What would happen if no one was ever allowed to be angry? What are the best ways to express anger? Is it okay if, when you are angry with someone, you express your anger in such a way that it makes them feel really bad? If you express your anger to someone, what do you expect to happen? Do you express your anger differently depending on who you are angry with – for example grownups at home as opposed to peers? Is it possible to be angry with someone but still show them respect? If so, how is that done? Can you think of examples?

Note 1. It doesn’t matter if you have no girls in the room.

79

Topic outline

Behaviour types Use the starter as usual. This topic outline presents opportunities for boys to deconstruct the different ways in which they behave within their friendships and their wider group. Each description of a behaviour (e.g. ‘Can dish it out, but can’t take it’) prompts insightful debate and reflection which in turn empowers the boys to find ways to create more harmonious ways of relating. It is important when presenting a list of behaviour types to emphasise that these are behaviour types and not types of boy. Much harm can be done by getting this distinction wrong. This lesson topic possibly doesn’t bear much repeating but, once taught, can be used to dip into when specific issues relating to these types of behaviour arise. Below is a list of behaviour types, each one of which is worthy of discussion – long or short.

Top influencer – behaviours which are generally constructive or disruptive This type of behaviour takes the discussion back to the lesson on Hierarchies.

Question Chain −− −− −− −−

Why are some boys more influential than others? What are the characteristics of their behaviour? Do top influencers necessarily have influence over everyone in the year group? If not, whom don’t they influence and why? What do you think we mean by constructive and disruptive behaviours? Is there a difference in the way influential girls influence their peers compared to how influential boys influence their peers?

Can dish it out, but can’t take it This refers to boys who engage in banter by teasing other boys, but struggle to cope when they are teased back.

Question Chain −− −− −−

Are you familiar with this behaviour type? Why do you think some boys don’t deal well with being teased? What are the best ways to support a boy who exhibits this kind of behaviour?

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-24

Behaviour types Snitch The topic of snitching usually prompts lively debate and it is useful, therefore to gain clarity for everyone in the class about what we mean by snitching. You can pose these three definitions and see if the class agrees: 1.

2.

3.

Telling the teacher about a piece of conflict purely to get your side of the story in first. Snitching is therefore simply a way of manipulating the teacher into believing the incident was black and white, with fault only on one side. Telling the teacher about an incident which all the other children would regard as insignificant. It may not have been one or more children’s proudest moment but in no way does it merit being reported to the teacher. Telling a teacher about an incident in which the child was not even involved. For example, telling the teacher that someone else has not done their homework.

Question Chain −− −−

−−

Does ‘snitching’ mean the same to a pupil in Year 3 as it does to a pupil in Year 71 ? If not, what is the difference? Is there a danger that, in deciding not to share something bad with a teacher for fear of being called a ‘snitch’, a pupil may make the wrong judgment and keep something secret which really should be reported – like being bullied or sexually abused? If that danger does exist, how can we get round it?

Kind and fair Some boys are consistently kind and fair.

Question Chain −− −−

Does being consistently kind and fair make a boy more influential? Is every boy capable of being consistently kind and fair? If not, why not?

Keeps clear of beef2 Some boys are skilled at ensuring they never get caught up in conflict between peers.

Question Chain −− −−

Is it always good to keep clear of conflict? Are there times when it is the right thing to do to get involved?

81

82

Behaviour types Beef maker – messenger Some boys seem to revel in creating conflict for no particular reason. They sometimes do this by passing on secrets.

Question Chain −− −− −− −−

Are you familiar with this type of behaviour? Why do some boys behave like this? Why do some girls behave like this? How can we support a boy or girl that behaves in this way?

Peacemaker Some boys are good at resolving conflict between pupils. They can also be good at anticipating upset and ensuring misunderstandings are resolved before conflict arises.

Question Chain −− −− −− −−

Are you familiar with this type of behaviour? What kind of techniques do Peacemakers use to create greater harmony and head off conflict? Is it different for boys and girls? Why do some boys and girls behave like this? Would it be good for the year group if more boys and girls behaved like this?

‘Just don’t care’ boys Some boys find that the best way to prevent themselves being hurt by harsh banter is constantly to say, ‘I don’t care’. This is an understandable and usually effective strategy deployed by boys who struggle to cope in a culture of sour masculinity. However, we also have to guard against such a strategy becoming nihilistic, with boys simply giving up on everything. That way lies the potential for depression and poor mental health. This is perhaps a behaviour type to ‘teach’ and prompt personal reflection about rather than offer up as a topic for discussion. The boys who use the ‘I don’t care’ strategy need some protection, and a discussion might make them feel very exposed.

More discussion Having finished the discussion on behaviour types it is important to emphasise once again that this is not a stereotyping exercise. Labelling behaviours can be a useful tool in analysing what might be going wrong in the relational cultures of a cohort of boys. Simply talking about labels and exploring their definitions is another opportunity to think metacognitively about interactions and relationships.

Behaviour types Years 5 and 6 All these behaviours are relevant to Years 5 and 6.

Year 8 and above As stated at the beginning of this chapter, if this lesson was taught in Year 7 and you are looking to repeat it in Year 8 or above, then some filtering may be needed. However, behaviours change as boys mature and you may equally find that after a year or two, the lesson topic is still relevant and needed.

Extension Invite the pupils to create their own descriptions of behaviour types. Give them time to work in small groups and task them with coming up with three. Then ask them to choose the one they think is most accurate and relevant and share it with the class. Care needs to be taken to ensure they don’t take this opportunity to be unkind, and simply describe a pupil they find irritating. Equally, when a new behaviour type is shared, pupils must be respectful of each other and not try to associate names with the behaviour type.

Notes 1. Or whichever year group you are teaching. 2. A slang word meaning conflict.

83

Topic outline

Self-regulation Use the starter as usual. As outlined in Chapter 1, self-regulation is about moderating personal behaviour and making good lifestyle choices rather than always giving in to instant gratification. We know that some teenagers are as likely to do the opposite of what you ask of them as they are to comply because it is in the biology of their age to rebel. This topic presents the opportunity for pupils to reflect on the nature of self-regulation and understand that it can lead to greater self-worth, stronger personal identity and more autonomy. By isolating this vital component of human behaviour as a discussion topic we can empower pupils to make rapid advances on their journey towards adult-type levels of self-control and maturity.

Introduction Short script: “Today we are going to look at the idea of ‘self-regulation’. That means your ability to do the right thing without being asked or told to. It means resisting temptation and making sensible lifestyle choices for yourself, to benefit yourself and not just to please others or because they told you to.”

Question Chain −−

−−

−−

−−

−−

Does it sometimes feel as though the grownups at home and teachers at school are always moaning at you? For example: ‘do more homework’; ‘spend less time online’; ‘go to bed earlier’, ‘do more exercise’. Give me some examples. Sometimes the grownups want you to do more of something, perhaps like Homework. Sometimes they want you to do less of something, perhaps like spending less time in front of a screen which isn’t for study purposes. I’d like each of you to think of an example that is true for you: what do the grownups in your life ask you to do more of, or less of, that you find hard and/or annoying to agree to. Once everyone has thought of something we can continue. You don’t have to share your example. Thinking of this thing that the grownups want you to do more of, or less of, how often do they have to intervene to make you do that? For example, if the grownups want you to spend less time going online other than for homework, how often does the grownup actually have to tell you to turn your device off? Is that half the time, more than half the time, or less than half the time? Again, thinking of this thing that the grownups want you to do more of, or less of, how does it feel when they have to tell you what to do, rather than you doing it for yourself? For example, if the grownup at home comes into your room and tells you to turn the light off and go to sleep, how does that make you feel? Does it make you feel patronised, or does it make you feel angry? Does it make you feel like the adult cares about you, or does it make you feel they are interfering unnecessarily? Does it sometimes make you wish you had turned the light off earlier so that they didn’t have to come into your room? If the grownup has had to interfere to get you to do more or less of this thing, how does it make you feel about that grownup? If you feel bad about them interfering, do you tell them

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-25

Self-regulation 85

−−

−−

−−

that? How do you think they feel about the fact that you feel bad about them interfering? Does that make them angry? How far do you actually agree with the restrictions the grownups put on you? Do you think you should be doing more homework, spending less time online or going to sleep earlier for example? If you disagree, why? Do you think the grownups are wrong or is it just because you hate being told? Can you think of a time when the grownup did not have to interfere to make you do more or less of something, but you managed the situation for yourself? For instance, you completed all your homework on the night it was set for a whole week, or you limited your online time to one hour a day for a month, or you turned your own light off without being reminded. How did that make you feel? Did you feel proud and generally positive about yourself? Did you do it for yourself or because the grownup told you to? Do you think the grownups at home would give you more power to choose how to spend your time if you showed greater maturity in self-regulating your activities?

Years 5 and 6 Whether you choose to teach this topic to Years 5 and 6 depends on your view of the maturity of your class. Many pupils of this age still want to please the grownups at home and don’t need much prompting, but some will have started on the path of adolescent rebellion already and will find this topic useful.

Year 8 and above The older the pupils, the more relevant this topic becomes. You might want to revisit this topic at the time of revision and preparation for exams.

Extension Call for a quiet and respectful atmosphere, because in this exercise each pupil is going to be invited to work in their head, with their eyes closed. Ask each pupil to think of a small project they can undertake that will improve their lives. The project should be something that involves applying self-discipline and determination to complete. For example, pupils might decide they want to tidy their bedroom and keep it tidy for a month. Or to complete their homework on the same day it is set, for half a term. They don’t have to share what their project is. Once every pupil has decided on their project, ask them to close their eyes and concentrate. They should visualise their current reality – perhaps an untidy bedroom, or an image that sums up their self-dissatisfaction at handing in homework late. Then they should think of an image in their mind of having achieved the end result of their project – a tidy bedroom or a smug feeling of being on top of school work. Pupils can open their eyes and you can briefly take questions. Then talk them through a visualisation exercise which will take about 2 to 3 minutes. Ask the pupils to shut their eyes again and relax. They should bring to mind the image of their current

86

Self-regulation reality – where things are not going as well as they would like – an untidy bedroom, or homework demerit points being issued. Hold the image for 60 seconds. Then gradually and gently they should wipe out the current reality image with the image of their desired outcome – a tidy bedroom, homework done on time. Hold that image for a minute. While they do this they should repeat a sentence in their mind which has the words ‘I choose . . .’ at the beginning. For example: ‘I choose to have a tidy bedroom.’ Or, ‘I choose to do my homework on the day it is set where possible.’ This visualisation exercise, if adopted earnestly and repeated daily, can be a profoundly effective way of improving outcomes for pupils.

Topic outline

Crying and emotional expression Use the starter as usual. The aim of this topic is to explore the possible differences between girls and boys in relation to crying and emotional expression. Is it true that girls cry more often and/or more readily? If that is true, then is that inherent in females or is it driven by societal expectations? Since this lesson is likely to touch on emotional pain, care needs to be taken to understand that there may be pupils in your class who have or are currently experiencing emotional trauma of one sort or another.

Question Chain1 −−

−− −− −− −−

−− −− −− −− −−

Small children tend to cry when they are hurt, like when they fall over or bump themselves. At what age do you think children stop crying because they are physically hurt? Is that age different for boys and girls? We know that babies cry as a survival mechanism to draw attention to the fact that they are hungry, feeling isolated or in pain. What purpose does crying serve after babyhood? Do girls cry more easily than boys, or is that just a myth? Do boys feel more pressure NOT to cry than girls? Give me some examples. What do we mean by ‘feelings’? Let’s get some suggestions up on the board. I’ll start with ‘joy’ and ‘misery’. (When pupils suggest ‘happy’ and ‘sad’ point out that these are generic words and it is often possible to find a more accurate word to describe how you’re feeling if you try. You can always dip into a thesaurus here!) Within their friendship groups, do girls share their feelings with each other? Do they let each other know how they are feeling as a way of bonding? Within their friendship groups, do boys share their feelings with each other? Do they let each other know how they are feeling as a way of bonding? If there is a difference in the way girls and boys share their feelings, why is that? Is it nature or nurture? If a boy or girl always hides their feelings, does that make them harder to get to know? Is it hard to like someone who never reveals how they are feeling? Would your world be a better place if everyone showed their feelings more?

To round off the discussion it can be interesting to play a clip from a TV show or movie that is a tear-jerker; even better if the clip is something that brings you, personally, close to tears easily. The clip that always gets me sobbing is near the end of Ten Things I Hate about You when Kat reads out her poem, expressing her disappointment at her boyfriend. The pupils may well have fun at your expense, saying that the clip was lame and totally unmoving; but you will have modelled a moment where you have shown that, as a grownup, you are very capable of showing tearful emotion. Whether you want to make yourself that vulnerable in front of your class is, of course, up to you!

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-26

88 Crying and emotional expression Years 5 and 6 In teaching this lesson to Years 5 and 6 you are addressing a class many of whom will still cry when physically hurt. So adjustments need to be made to bear in mind the additional sensitivity of your learners. As advised before, it is appropriate to teach this lesson rather than solely look for discussion. On the whole, young people need to be encouraged to be emotionally open with each other, and that can foster closer and more trusting relational cultures.

Year 8 and above In older years there are additional considerations. Teenagers tend to feel their emotions more intensely than at any other time in their lives. That means they can also feel vulnerable and reluctant to talk about them, especially in front of peers. It is possible this lesson may not get the engagement you would like to see. The pupils may only give lip service to this topic, covering up their true feelings with bravado and/or insouciance. However, that does not mean that the lesson was a waste of time. Many pupils will be glad of the chance to calibrate their own reactions to emotional stimuli by matching them with other pupils, and watching your responses too.

Extension You can revisit the starter exercise, where pupils are asked to share synonyms for ‘gentle’ and ‘sour’ descriptions of masculinity.

Question Chain −−

−− −− −− −− −−

How far is it true to say that a boy who adopts a gentle form of masculinity is more in touch with his emotions and happier to express them than a boy who adopts a sour attitude? If that is true, does that mean that boys who appear sour in their masculinity don’t feel things as much? Or does it mean that they hide their feelings? If they hide their feelings, why do they do that? Is it a good thing to hide your feelings? What might be the advantages of being emotionally expressive with your friends? Do you think teenagers are more or less expressive of their feelings than adults? What has been your experience?

Note 1. Although this question chain constantly refers to both boys and girls, there is no reason why it should not be successfully deployed in an all-boys school.

Topic outline

Football Use the starter as usual. Football, as a topic, tends to polarise people. Some are happy to talk about it all day every day, while others are profoundly bored as soon as the second syllable is uttered. This topic may take a whole lesson or may not; it just depends on the reaction from the pupils. The purpose of this lesson is to guide pupils to reflect on two aspects of football, as they affect their lives in school. 1.

2.

Breaktime football; this can be a wonderful way to spend free time but it can also be a time when pupils fail to organise themselves well – they can end up falling out and getting angry. The professional game; the influence the professional game can have on pupils can be corrosive of good moral values.

Boys and girls When guiding this topic it is important to challenge stereotypes, especially the idea that boys enjoy, play and follow football more than girls. It is worth bearing in mind that the physiques of boys and girls are capable of the same sporting skill and achievement right up until the onset of puberty. At that point, boys’ bones and muscles elongate compared to girls, and they become physically stronger and faster. If pre-pubescent boys are better at football than pre-pubescent girls, it is simply because they practise more. In some cohorts, girls join with boys to play football at breaktime and this can be a socially healthy way for pupils to spend their free time. It breaks down ideas of stereotyping around football, it gives pupils the chance to enjoy a physical game together, and promotes integration. Equally, sometimes girls want to join the boys and the boys prevent them from doing so; and vice versa. In this lesson topic, teachers can explore the social dynamics around these issues, holding up a mirror to attitudes and practice.

Question Chain – breaktime football1 −− −− −−

−− −− −− −−

Let’s start by finding out who likes breaktime football and who doesn’t. Hands up who usually plays football at breaktime.2 Is breaktime football generally inclusive? Does everyone who wants to play have the chance to join in?3 Are games of breaktime football usually well organised or are they just a loose kick-about? Does it matter? Are loose kick-abouts more or less fun than games that are more organised4? If you don’t play breaktime football, do you wish you could? If you don’t play breaktime football, do the games going on around you make breaktime uncomfortable, or is it all fine? Do those who play breaktime football sometimes come back into the building feeling angry and having fallen out with each other? If so, what sort of things do they fall out about? Should the school be taking a different attitude to breaktime football?

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-27

90

Football Question Chain – the professional game −−

−− −−

−− −− −− −− −−

Quick show of hands,5 who here would say they are a football fan? Who here would say they are not a fan but they do have a favourite team? Who here doesn’t follow the professional game and doesn’t have a favourite team? How far does it affect friendship if two people from your year group support rival teams? How far does it affect friendship if two people from the adult world support rival teams? If you think that it doesn’t affect friendship, then why do adults sometimes end up fighting at football matches? We all know it is wrong to cheat, but is it okay for professional footballers to cheat? Do you think that male professional footballers cheat more than female professional footballers? How far do you think your attitudes to cheating are affected by watching professional footballers cheat? Is winning the only thing that matters in life? Does the desire to win justify cheating?

Years 5 and 6 As with all the Key Stage 2 versions of these lesson topics, don’t be afraid to teach it rather than just facilitate a discussion. The topic of football can create some useful opportunities to re-state the moral vision and values espoused by the school.

Year 8 and above You may find greater polarisation in older years; some pupils will be very keen to talk about this topic and possibly all its sub-topic variations; others may express disapproval at valuable lesson time wasted. Don’t be surprised if you get asked, ‘If we’re just going to talk about football, then can I do some homework?’ It is interesting to explore the possible social divisions in the year group that football can cause – both in terms of the breaktime game and following the professional game.

Extension Talk about football in relation to other sports. −− −−

−− −−

Do you think the way professional football is played is different from other sports; for instance rugby, cricket and Olympic sports? Does money play a big part in the way professional footballers play the game? Do you think watching amateur sport, where the sportsmen and women are not paid, is more or less enjoyable? Is watching sport as enjoyable as taking part? Are the two things related or are they completely separate? If you ever watch sport on TV, do you prefer the highlights or do you like the full game? What are your reasons?

Football

91

Notes 1. This discussion may well spark requests for more adult support, especially in the form of schoolbought footballs and goal posts. Helping pupils play breaktime football with the minimum amount of conflict and maximum amount of fun can go a long way to creating cultures of mutual respect in general. 2. This will then give you a strong idea about how to guide the discussion. You need to consider the views of those who play and those who don’t. 3. Just because pubescent boys are generally stronger and faster than pubescent girls does not mean that breaktime football could/should not be inclusive if the cohort agrees it should be. 4. This may well spark an interesting discussion about how to create structure during breaktime football, but you need to guard against this being dominated by those who play, leaving those who don’t play bored and disenfranchised. 5. Read out the three choices before taking the answers.

Topic outline

Jostling and consent Use the starter as usual. The objective of this lesson is to encourage pupils to reflect on how much physical touch passes between them and how that affects their relationships. Boys between the ages of around 8 and 15 tend to engage in a lot of jostling which is natural and part of the way they relate to each other. However, the quality of the physical touch can vary. At best, boys bump into each other gently, or they might emphasise a point with a soft slap to the upper arm, or occasionally climb on each other’s back in excitement. At worst, the jostling becomes aggressive and painful to receive, and injuries happen. This form of jostling can also cause fights to break out. Jostling would appear to be a physical manifestation of banter. It is meant to be friendly and teasing, a bit like the way a parent might gently tumble a toddler on a bed or sofa. But the jostling can get out of hand and can be an indicator of the quality of the boys’ relational culture. It is an area of behaviour that seems distinct to boys of this age and is not so often seen in the same form or frequency amongst girls. Encouraging boys to reflect on the amount of physical touch can help bring it under control if or when it becomes problematic. This lesson fits in well with Sex Education and the topic of consent. Teachers tend to teach about consent in the context of sexual activity, but it is reasonable to ask pupils also to reflect on any form of touch and physical interference which is not consensual. When you start the Question Chain, you may find that the pupils have never thought about the quantity and quality of their physical interactions, nor about the idea that this might be non-consensual.

Question Chain −−

−− −− −− −− −− −−

Is it fair to say that boys can be quite physical with each other when at school? In the corridors and at breaktime, do boys tend to deliberately bump into each other, slap an upper arm, or climb on each other’s backs out of excitement? Do boys do this more than girls? If so, why do you think that is? It can be useful to give this form of physicality a name; let’s call it jostling. Is jostling always acceptable or are there times when it isn’t? When might those times be? Is jostling always consensual? Does the person being jostled have the right to ask for it to stop? If one pupil demanded never to be jostled and the pupils around him/her agreed, would that change the dynamics of the friendships around him/her? If the school extended the ban on rough play to include all forms of non-consensual physical touch, how do you think the boys would cope? Do you think they would find it hard to stop touching each other?

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-28

Jostling and consent

93

Years 5 and 6 The quantity and quality of jostling changes over time as boys get stronger and bolder with each other. It is a good idea to observe the boys closely in the corridors and on the playground before delivering this lesson topic.

Year 8 and above This topic can stir up some emotional responses. Boys can become quite indignant at the idea that their physical interactions are being scrutinised in this way. However, the older, bigger and stronger the boys get, the more they need to regulate their jostling for fear that someone will get hurt.

Extension You can explore the purpose of physical touch more.

Question Chain −−

−− −−

We know from tragedies that befell orphans in eastern Europe a few decades ago, that when babies are never held, if they never feel human touch, it can seriously impede their brain development. Clearly then, human touch is needed for babies. Do humans grow out of this need; if so, by when? Do you cuddle your trusted grownups at home more or less than you did a year ago?1 Do feel different at the end of a day where you have had no physical interaction with your peers – for example after a whole day of exams? Do you feel you miss the touch or do you perhaps feel less bruised, or just freer?

Note 1. You will need to consider the possibility of disclosure of domestic abuse arising from this question.

Topic outline

Competition Use the starter as usual. Most boys and girls at school usually enjoy some competition and enjoy being competitive with each other. This lesson topic is designed to encourage the pupils to reflect on the nature of competition, when it works and when it can be unhelpful. There are two exercises offered here: The Red and Green Game, and a Question Chain. The Red and Green Game takes around 30 minutes to play, so you may need to split this topic into two lessons.

The Red and Green Game You can only play this game once. Write these two grids on the board:

Scoring system Girls vote

Boys vote

Girls score

Boys score

Red

Green

+6

-3

Green

Red

-3

+6

Green

Green

+3

+3

Red

Red

-6

-6

Score chart Rounds 1 2 3 4 Consultation for 1 min. 5 6 7 8 Consultation for 1 min. 9 - double points 10 - double points Total scores

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-29

Girls’ score

Boys’ score

Competition 95 Instructions −− −− −− −− −− −− −−

−−

−− −−

There are two teams, boys and girls.1 It doesn’t matter if numbers are uneven. Each team is given a simple piece of paper or card with the word ‘Red’ on one side and the word ‘Green’ on the other side. The game is played over 10 rounds. Each round begins with the teams secretly deciding if they are going vote Red or Green. They have a timed 30 seconds for this consultation. After the 30 seconds is up, the teacher asks each team who has been nominated to hold up the team’s card to register the team’s vote. On the count of three, the two nominated team members hold up their voting card to show their vote. They do this strictly simultaneously. Once the vote has been registered the teacher records the scores on the Score Chart according to the Scoring System grid. For example: girls voted Green and boys voted Red means that the girls get -3 and the boys get +6. After the scores have been recorded and conversation dies down, the teacher introduces the next round, starting with another 30-second team consultation and moving on to the next vote. After Rounds 4 and 8, there is a chance, for strictly 1 minute, for the two teams to consult with each other and decide on tactics, if they choose to. In rounds 9 and 10, points count double.

Before starting the game, tell the pupils that one point is worth 10p. Make sure the pupils understand the scoring system before you start, but don’t help them strategise.

During the game The chances are that the pupils will variously vote negatively (i.e. Red) in nearly every round, racking up a negative score as they go along. Observe which pupils try to convince others that the only way forward is for both teams to vote Green, or one team to vote Red and the other Green and then share the spoils. In particular, observe the behaviour of the boys and girls during the two consultation periods after Rounds 4 and 8.

At the end of the game Unless the pupils have done exceptionally well – or you have helped them too much – both teams will end up with a high negative score. One side’s score will probably be less negative than the other and you ask, “So, who won the game?” and the pupils will indicate the team with the fewer negative points. You respond with, “Are you sure? Each point was worth 10p, so if one team had scored a positive score, then I, as the banker, would have had to pay out. So, presumably, I am the winner!”

Discussion Pupils need to understand that not all forms of competition are what they seem and that collaboration is sometimes the best route to success even though people appear to be competing with each other.

96

Competition Question Chain −− −− −− −− −− −−

−−

Is competition always a good way to motivate people? Should classwork and learning in school be competitive? Does it help your motivation to know you might get a better mark in your homework than your classmate? Does it depress your motivation when your classmate gets a better mark than you? Is this school fair? I think we agree that competition is sometimes a good thing and sometimes not. What examples can you think of where competition helps make everyone perform better, and where it does the opposite? Do you think this school has too much or too little competition between pupils? Or does the school get it about right?

Years 5 and 6 This lesson topic works well with Years 5 and 6, though you may need to explain the Red and Green Game scoring carefully.

Year 8 and above If the pupils have played the Red and Green Game in Year 7 then you can’t repeat it because they should know how to beat the banker. However, if you leave it a couple of years and try again, you may find that the game is still valid and the pupils still choose beating the other team over winning money. The Question Chain, on the other, is useful to revisit because attitudes to competition change over time.

Extension Explore the concept of fairness.

Question Chain −− −− −− −−

Does winning feel as good if you know the competition wasn’t fair? Does losing feel even worse if you know the competition was unfair? Does fairness matter and if so, why? Can you think of examples where school life is not very fair but it doesn’t matter?

Note 1. If you only have boys, then just divide the class in two.

Topic outline

Lifestyle choices Use the starter as usual. This lesson topic covers the two areas of teenagers’ lives that are probably the most significant in terms of their wellbeing and mental health1: sleep and use of digital devices (discretionary screen time2). It is a good idea to revisit this topic each academic year as the lifestyle choices teenagers make change according to their age. Whilst this lesson topic inevitably has more didactic content, care still needs to be taken to present ‘good’ lifestyle choices as options rather than as a diktat. The key is to try to win the argument rather than demand a change in behaviour. By holding up a mirror to pupils’ habits and choices we can encourage them to live lives which are healthier both physically and mentally. It is therefore important to prepare some strategies,3 backed up by research, to give you the best chance of making a positive difference in the lives of your pupils. For example: Sleep: −− −− −− −−

A lot of teenagers do not get enough sleep and this can harm their long term brain development. Sleep enhances memory, reduces food cravings, protects you from cancer and helps ward off colds and flu. Sleep makes you happier, less depressed and less anxious. Enough sleep (for teenagers) is 8 hours a night. For example: Use of digital devices:

−−

−− −−

−−

−−

Guard against hypocrisy; how much time do you yourself spend on discretionary screen time? How different is that from your pupils? What are the boundaries you set yourself, and perhaps agree with your family, around the use of devices? If possible, engage with pupils as a fellow user of digital devices, and not as someone there to lecture. On the whole, research shows that the use of digital devices does not actually cause mental health problems in teenagers. It is not the devices or the internet that is necessarily the problem; it is how pupils choose to use them and what they say on them. Digital devices are the main platform for social connection outside school, and social connection is a fundamental motivator for teenagers. Advice to reduce discretionary screen time can sound like advice to socialise less, and that, for teenagers, triggers fears of social isolation. Teenagers are not addicted to their digital devices, they are addicted to their friends.

Question Chains These question chains prompt discussions which need to be addressed by each individual in the class.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-30

98 Lifestyle choices Use of digital devices Use this Question Chain, or ask the pupils to complete the anonymous online survey described on the next page. −− −− −− −− −− −− −−

−−

−−

Add up the total amount of time you spend on discretionary screen time each week in term time. How many hours is that? If you spend more than 20 hours a week on discretionary screen time, do you think that is okay? Do you ever see yourself spending less time on this? If so, when? With a show of hands, who here has grownups at home who regulate and control your use of discretionary screen time? Do you think that teachers and grownups at home fail to understand your discretionary screen time usage, or how important it is to you? Would you agree that young people are not addicted to their phones, as some adults claim, but are addicted to their friends? What happens if all access to the internet is taken away from you? Do you cope or do you find that very distressing? With a show of hands, do you spend most of your discretionary screen time on Social Media, Online Games, YouTube, or TV Streaming Services? Is there something else you spend your screen time on? With a show of hands, how many of you change your bedtime or lose sleep because of discretionary screen time, which includes messaging and other forms of staying in touch with people? How far does FOMO4 affect your lifestyle choices?

Questions for an anonymous digital survey Use Strongly Agree; Agree, Disagree; Strongly Disagree. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

Is it fair to say that young people are not addicted to their phones but to their friends? I get distressed when denied all access to the internet. I often miss sleep because of my choices in using my discretionary screen time. I tend to need to check my messages and texts very often, including in the night, because of FOMO. Grownups at home do not understand my use of discretionary screen or how important it is to me. The grownups at home regulate and control my discretionary screen time. On discretionary screen time, in term time, I spend: (select one option) −− −− −− −− −−

8.

0–10 hours a week 11–20 hours a week 21–30 hours a week 30–40 hours a week More than 40 hours a week

I spend most of my discretionary screen time on: (select one or two options) −− −− −−

TV streaming services (Netflix, Prime, iPlayer, etc.) Online gaming Social media (e.g. TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc.)

Lifestyle choices −− −− −−

Messaging my friends YouTube Other

This online survey then provides the basis for a debate.

Sleep Use this Question Chain, or ask the pupils to complete the anonymous online survey described on the next page. −− −− −− −−

With a show of hands, who here usually gets 8 or more hours of sleep a night? Why is sleep so important to adolescents and children? Let’s hear some examples of why you don’t get 8 or more hours sleep. Let’s hear some examples of good sleep routines – what helps you get to sleep and stay asleep?

Questions for an anonymous digital survey Use Strongly Agree; Agree, Disagree; Strongly Disagree. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

I usually get 8 or more hours sleep a night. I sometimes opt to sleep less at the weekends during term time. I sometimes opt to sleep more at the weekends during term time. I get tired during the day and, when I can, will sometimes take a nap. I wake up quite often in the night. I find it hard to get to sleep. I wake up too early. I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning. I check my internet enabled devices for messages in the night. I experience FOMO when I turn off the light and try to go to sleep.

Years 5 and 6 Both lesson topics are relevant to Years 5 and 6 and apart from the teacher being more didactic, no major adjustments are needed. At this age, pupils’ habits in relation to sleep and digital devices are likely to be still under the guidance of grownups, but even so, some will have started to sacrifice sleep for social connection. It is therefore a useful discussion topic to emphasise the importance of sleep and carefully self-regulated use of the internet. The question about grownup regulation of the use of the internet at home may reveal how little supervision some pupils receive. This, in turn, may prompt parenting advice from the school.

Year 8 and above Things can change quite quickly for teenagers in their use of digital devices and how much sleep they get. That means that repetition of this topic is vital.

99

100

Lifestyle choices

Extension Keep exploring this topic! One way to do that is simply to ask pupils about their uses of different social media platforms and learn from what they tell you.

Notes 1. There are other areas as well, such as healthy eating and exercise. But these are covered by conventional PSHE lessons and are not as relevant to relational culture as sleep and the internet. 2. This is a useful way to express the time people spend watching a screen that is not required of them for study or work purposes. 3. The Incredible Teenager Brain by Bettina Hohnen, Jane Gilmour and Tara Murphy (Jessica Kingsley, 2019) has additional advice on the topics of both sleep and use of technology. 4. FOMO – Fear of Missing Out.

Part Three

Auditing Schools tend to generate data to support and enhance effective teaching and learning, but less commonly to help pupils be happier. In this chapter you will learn how to create an audit tool to measure the quality of the relationships between boys. The audit tool has a number of benefits: −− −− −− −− −−

Simply asking questions about relationships will usefully prompt pupils to think analytically about themselves and their friends. The audit will produce an overall result indicating whether the relationships between boys in any given year group are perceived to be gentle or sour. The audit separates the responses of girls and boys to reveal how the two genders perceive the relationships between boys. The audit also reveals key attitudes to teaching and learning. The audit enables schools to measure the effectiveness over time of interventions, such as the Working with Boys programme.

It is preferable to use a digital platform to perform this survey, but a paper-based version can be used as well. The first section contains 17 questions which relate to boys’ attitudes to each other, girls, teachers and learning. This section will provide evidence of the quality of relational cultures between boys and how it changes over time. The second section contains 10 questions which relate to lesson topics such as humiliation, hierarchy, humour, football and anger. This section will provide data to use when discussing those lesson topics. In both sections, questions are framed separately for boys and girls; the boys are asked about their attitudes, and the girls are asked their opinion about the boys’ attitudes. Comparing the two sets of answers reveals the contrast between the way boys see themselves and the way girls see them. If, as may well be the case, the girls perceive the boys to be less gentle than the boys perceive themselves to be, that is something for the boys to be encouraged to reflect on. Setting up the survey In Section 1, as with previous surveys described in the book, the options for answers should be Strongly Agree, Agree, Disagree, and Strongly Disagree. For each question, the answers should be transferred to a spreadsheet, with double points scored for each Strongly Agree or Strongly Disagree response. Each question is designed create an answer that is indicative of either a gentle or sour relational culture. For example: Boys in my year group are kind to each other. If more boys agree with this statement than disagree (with Strongly Agree counting double) then the overall result is that the boys, on average, believe their culture to be gentle. Some questions are designed so that a Strongly Disagree or Disagree answer indicates a gentle culture. For example: Boys in my year group often make jokes at other boys’ expense.

DOI: 10.4324/9781003312123-32

104

Auditing

Scoring By creating formulae in the spreadsheet cells, scores can be generated as percentages for each question and then amalgamated to create an overall score for the cohort. For example: Boys in my year group are kind to each other Boys in my year group are kind to each other Strongly Agree (counts double) Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree (counts double) Totals

Answers

Points

7

14

15

15

5

5

3

6

30

40

Average points: ‘gentle’ answer as a percentage

72.5%

Average points: ‘sour’ answer as a percentage

27.5%

Boys’ questions Section 1 Boys in my year group are kind to each other Boys in my year group show every other boy respect Boys in my year group are happy to forgive and forget if they fall out Boys in my year group often make jokes at other boys’ expense Boys in my year group use harsh language with each other Boys in my year group use sexualised (pornographic) language with each other Boys in my year group talk about girls as though they are sexual objects Boys in my year group don’t hesitate to humiliate each other if they get the chance I think that working hard in class is cool I think that completing my homework on time is cool I think that giving my best effort to homework is cool I think that doing my best in every aspect of school life is cool I think that boys who do well at school without appearing to work hard are cool I think that boys who are a bit cheeky to teachers are cool I don’t always try my hardest so that I have an excuse when I do badly It is cool to put your hand up to answer a question in class It is cool to put your hand up to ask a question in class

Girls’ questions Section 1 Boys in my year group are kind to each other Boys in my year group show every other boy respect Boys in my year group are happy to forgive and forget if they fall out Boys in my year group often make jokes at other boys’ expense Boys in my year group use harsh language with each other Boys in my year group use sexualised (pornographic) language with each other Boys in my year group talk about girls as though they are sexual objects Boys in my year group don’t hesitate to humiliate each other if they get the chance

Auditing 105 Boys think that boys working hard in class are cool Boys think that boys completing homework on time are cool Boys think that boys giving their best effort to homework are cool Boys think that boys doing their best in every aspect of school life are cool Boys think that boys who do well at school without appearing to work hard are cool Boys think that boys who are a bit cheeky to teachers are cool Boys don’t always try their hardest so that they have an excuse when they do badly Boys think it is cool to put your hand up to answer a question in class Boys think it is cool to put your hand up to ask a question in class

Section 2 In this section you can choose whether or not to set up the formulae in the spreadsheet to digest answers into totals and percentages, or simply report the raw scores back to the class. Each question generates a debate.

Boys’ questions Boys try to avoid being humiliated more than anything else Boys think it is very bad if people call a boy names associated with being like a girl Boys think it is very bad if people call a boy names associated with being gay Boys think being regarded as funny is a very good thing Some boys are more influential than others Some boys in my year group are very annoying Boys think that praise from peers is more important than praise from teachers Boys like playing football at break and lunch times

Girls’ questions Boys try to avoid being humiliated more than anything else Boys think it is very bad if people call a boy names associated with being like a girl Boys think it is very bad if people call a boy names associated with being gay Boys think being regarded as funny is a very good thing Some boys are more influential than others Some boys in my year group are very annoying Boys think that praise from peers is more important than praise from teachers Boys like playing football at break and lunch times

Baseline It is a good idea to perform this survey before you introduce the Working with Boys programme so that you can generate a baseline. Repeating the survey every half year or year will then indicate whether cultures are changing and how.

Afterword One last thing, while I’ve still got you . . . Hello again. I hope you enjoyed the book and you are buzzing with ideas about how to create cultures of mutual respect in your school. While I have your attention, would you mind if we talked about the biggest elephant in the room? The one we all stare in the face every day as it sits right in front of our noses. We all try to ignore it and deliver a sensible education to children, but it is always there. Lots of intelligent and experienced people have written books about how we can paint the elephant a different colour, how we could change subtle bits of it to make it less obstructive. We could approach it from a different angle – perhaps it would be less awful if we asked the elephant to turn round, lie on its side, or hang from the ceiling? Meanwhile, our leaders in government keep feeding it their latest titbits/fads/ideas, and it gets fatter and fatter, threatening to overwhelm teachers by its sheer size and scale. Our leaders tell us the elephant is all important and that we can’t change it (though they could if they chose to). They write and re-write documents that demarcate the elephant’s dimensions, how it looks, smells and feels to the touch. It is there, in front of us ALL THE TIME, and it is getting in the way of good education. So, have you guessed what the elephant represents? Is it the exam system, or high-stakes accountability? Is it league tables (England only, bizarrely), is it Ofsted, or performance management? It’s the CURRICULUM, stupid. The thing we all teach everyday, according to: −−

−− −−

tradition, the government directive called The National Curriculum (though that doesn’t apply to academies and fee-charging schools, again bizarrely), the expectations of every man, woman and child in the country.

The woman in the street, the man on the Clapham omnibus – everyone expects the curriculum to be: English and Maths – the ‘core’ subjects; Science – should be a ‘core’ subject and is really, but also isn’t. History, Geography, Modern Foreign Languages, Physical Education, Religious Education, Design and Technology, Food and Nutrition, Information and Communication Technology/Computer Science, Art, Music, Drama, Dance. Then: Business Studies, Media Studies and various other subjects which usually only appear from Key Stage 4 onwards. Oh, and I nearly forgot (as does nearly everyone) PSHE. Or is it PSHCE, or now – PSHCE with RSE incorporated? The acronyms that describe this subject say everything we need to know about it, because they keep changing and being added to. This is the donkey of the curriculum, loaded with every possible topic that doesn’t fit naturally anywhere else. And yet, despite PSHE being so important, it is given one lesson a week (or once a fortnight in

108

Afterword

schools with a two week timetable). It is usually taught by teachers who have been assigned the subject because their timetable needs filling up to maximise the deployment of human resources. Some schools will let teachers refuse, and sometimes it is possible, if the timetable allows, for particularly enthusiastic teachers to volunteer to teach this subject. However, no teacher is qualified to teach PSHE because it is currently not possible to train and qualify as a PSHE teacher. Presumably this is because it is not regarded as a serious enough subject with enough time on the timetable for it to be a career option. You can undertake training to become a better PSHE teacher, but there are no specific courses which lead to Qualified Teacher Status as a PSHE teacher.

Just to be clear then: society faces a serious problem of sexualised abuse being perpetrated on girls and women, especially in schools. The answer lies in placing much greater emphasis on relationships education and creating cultures of mutual respect. Yet, the time and resources allocated to this are minuscule, crammed into a subject area that is already seriously overcrowded, taught by non-specialists and with the lowest priority on the timetable.

Time to think again We need to change that by giving more time to PSHE and more training to PSHE teachers. But that means other subjects giving up time, and none of them is likely to want to do that willingly. Every teacher I have ever come across believes passionately in the absolute validity of their subject and its right to be included in the curriculum. We could address this by squeezing one subject here, one subject there and creating, perhaps, two lessons a week for PSHE. We could try to recruit new teachers into schools who have a willingness to take on the challenge of PSHE and gradually make a difference. Or we could take a radical view and rethink the curriculum from scratch. What would a curriculum look like if we started again, asking ‘What is education trying to achieve?’ That’s a topic of another book.

Index

Alan McKee 45, 47n2 autonomy 6, 13, 27, 30–31, 41, 84

Naomi Fisher 41 Nolan Principles 27, 29n3

Babtunde Ojewunmi 33 behaviour policy 23, 24, 52, 54 Bukayo Saka 48

Ofsted 3–4, 38–39, 107

corporal punishment 27 Everyone’s Invited x, 3–4, 38–39 evolutionary 8, 13, 74 gamifying 34 Gary Lineker 48 GCSE 27, 30 Girls on Board 8, 14n1, 42, 60 Greyson Perry 15 Ian Gilbert 30 The Incredible Teenage Brain, Hohnen, Gilmour Murphy 10, 100n3

Philosophy 41–43 Pinkett and Roberts 29n2 pornography 12, 21–22, 24n2, 25, 44–47, 59, 65, 67–68 PSHE iii, 25, 51, 61, 100, 107–108 reporting abuse 37–39 Rosalind Wiseman 15 RSE x, 47n1, 51, 57, 107 safeguarding 3–4, 38–39 self-regulation 6, 22, 27–28, 39, 50, 65, 67, 84–86, 99 Sheffield Wednesday 49 Soma Sara 3 trauma 3, 30, 74, 76, 87

Laura Bates 3 meritocracy 32 motivation 13, 17, 29–34, 64, 96