Why Am I Afraid to Love? 0006281095, 9780006281092

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by John Powell

fyLL

HEMDRicKS

by John Powell Argus Communications Chicago, 60657

Designed by

Patricia Ellen Ricci

Published by

ARGUS COMMUNICATIONS CO. 3505 N. Ashland Avenue Chicago,

©

Illinois

60657

Copyright by Argus Communications Co., 1967 Revised 1972

WHY AM

I

AFRAID TO LOVE?

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1.

Man's

Invitation to

Love

2.

Human

3.

The Self Image

4.

The Maturing Process

5.

Learning to Love

Pains

in a

Loveless World

Beloved, let us

love one another,

because love takes

and everyone is

a child of

origin in

its

God,

that loves

God

and knows God. He who has no love does not know God,

God

because

is

love.

God's love

was made among us by the

manifest

fact that

God Son

sent his only-begotten

world

into the

that

we might have

life

through him. This love consists

our having loved

not

in

but

in his

and

having sent

his

God

having loved us his

Son

as a propitiation for our sins.

Beloved, if

God

we

so loved us,

in turn

ought

to love

one another. 1

John 4:7-11

MAN'S INVITATION TO LOVE

/

The word Latin

word

back.

By

religion

which means

religare,

of

practice

his

derived from a

is

to

religion

bind

man

God who is his omega (destiny). To

binds himself back to alpha (origin) and

anyone

who

is

familiar with the

Testament there can be no doubt

New

that the

and the essential bond between man and his God is love. When Jesus was asked by the Pharisees: essential act of religion

"Which

is

the greatest

commandment?"

he answered: "You must love the Lord your God with heart, with all your soul, This

is

the greatest

and

The second resembles

and the

it:

neighbor as vo^self."

What does

it

mean

all

your

with all your mind.

first

commandment.

You must love your Matthew 23: 35-39 to love

God with

soul and mind? would John answer this St. question by telling us that before anyone can really give his heart, soul and mind to God, he must first know how much

one's

whole

heart,

I

think that

God

has loved him,

about him from to share his

all

how God

has thought

eternity,

and desired

life, joy,

and love with him.

Christian love

a response to

God's

one has somehow perceived

until

has

he sent

in-

and there can be no response

finite love,

God

is

much

loved him, so

first

that

so that

only-begotten Son to be our

his

salvation.

More than he

have love;

God does

this, is

ing with another

is

giving

If

God

sence of love, then

love.

is

acquire nothing because he

needs nothing because he all

goodness and

seeks to share ness which

self-diffusive;

is

So the

itself.

God

is

me

.

.

.

with

We know our

own

infinite

it

good-

seeks to communicate,

to diffuse, to share itself

with

is

He can

God. He God. He has is

riches within him-

all

But goodness

self.

not simply

and sharthe character and es-

love.

all

.

.

.

with you

.

.

.

of us.

something of

this love in

instincts to share that

which

is

good and sights,

is our possession: good ingood news, good rumors. Per-

haps the best analogy perience

couple, very alive

our

human

ex-

young married love and very much

much

in

because of that love, wishing to

share their love and

which

in

that of the

is

it

is

in their

life

power

with

new

life

to beget. But 11

it

even more than this with God who man: if the mother should forget the

is

tells

child of her

womb

will

I

never forget

you! precisely this that

It is

most

failures to love

God

is

the point of

truly.

Most of

us are not deeply aware of his fatherly,

even tender, son

who

love, with

who

love.

It is

especially the per-

has never experienced a of

all

its

human

life-giving effects,

has never been introduced to the

God who human

of

is

love through the sacrament

love, that stands at a serious

The God

disadvantage.

wishes to share

his life

of

and joy

love

who

will prob-

ably seem like the product of an over-

heated imagination

—

unreal.

no human being who will not eventually respond to love if only he can realize that he is loved. On the other hand, if the life and world of a person There

is

is

marked by the absence of

reality of

God's love

love, the

evoke soul and

will hardly

the response of his whole heart,

mind. False

be 12

Gods Before Us

The God who enters such a life will fearsome and frowning idol, de-

a

manding only

of Genesis tells

Boole

made it

fear of his devotees. The

God

us that

has

us to his image and likeness, but

the most perduring temptation of

is

man to invert this, to make God human image and likeness. Each of us has his

own

to his

unique and

very limited concept of God, and

it

is

very often marked and distorted by hu-

man

experience. Negative emotions, like

fear,

tend to wear out. The distorted

image of

a

vengeful

God

will eventually

nauseate and be rejected. Fear is bond of union, a brittle basis of

a fragile

religion.

may well be that this is why God's commandment is that we love one another. Unselfish human love is the sacramental introduction to the God of love. Man must go through the door of human giving to find the God who gives It

second

himself.

Those torted

ow

who do

image

will

not reject such a dis-

limp along

in

the shad-

of a frown, but they certainly will

not love with their whole heart, soul and

mind. Such a will

God

is

not loveable. There

never be any trust and repose

in

the

loving arms of a Father; there will never 13

be any mystique of belonging to God. The person who serves out of fear, without the realization of love, will try to bargain with God. He will do little

make

things for God,

little

offerings, say

prayers, etc. to embezzle a place in

little

the heaven of his God. Life and religion will

be

chess-game, hardly an

a

affair

of

love.

Response to God's Love

who

open to the realiGod's love will want to make

The person zation of

is

some response of his own love. How can he make a meaningful response if this

God cannot

acquire and needs nothing?

John points out the place of human

St.

response:

We

know what

Christ laid to

Beloved,

is

a

down

let us

child of

from the fact that Jesus

lives

We,

too,

for our brothers

ought .

.

.

love one another, because love

origin in

its

is

his life for us.

down our

lay

takes

love

God, and everyone that

loves

God and knows God. He who has God is

no love does not know God, because love

.

.

.

No one

has ever seen God, yet

love one another,

God

abides

in

us

if

we

and our

love for him reaches perfection. 1

14

John 3:16; 4:7-12

Meeting God

most costly part

other

in

humans

is

the

of the dialogue between

God and man. The nature of man requires that he somehow contact God in way.

a bodily or sensibly perceptible

the Old Testament

thunder and

God came

New

the

man

a

a

Sinai;

in

his

burning bush.

In

Testament God's goodness to

man and

cross for

is

raised in

agony on

you and me. "This

say mean when Incarnation God brought I

in

man

to

even more astonishing: He be-

is

comes

over

lightning

voice emerged from

In

I

is

what

a I

love you." In the his gifts to

man

the earthen vessel of humanity that

He might speak our language and we might know what he is really like.

God expected men

Just as

him under the

when

that

veil

to find

of humanity, even

humanity was

a red

mask of

now he expects men to find him under other human veils. It will, indeed, cost a man a great deal if he takes God seriously on this point:

blood and agony, so

".

.

eat;

.

I

For

was

/

was hungry, and you gave me to and you gave me to drink;

thirsty

I

was a stranger and you took me into your home; I was naked, and you covered me; I was 15

sick,

and you

you came

me;

visited

to see

was

I

in prison,

and

me."

Then those who are saved

say to Him:

will

when did we see you hungry and feed you? or thirsty and give you to drink? And when did we see you a stranger and take you into our homes? or naked and cover you? When did we see you sick or in prison, and come to "Lord,

visit

And

you?" in

"I tell

explanation the King

you the plain

the least of

my

truth,

will

say to them:

whatever you did

to

brethren, you did to me!"

Matthew 25.35-40

The early Christians did not distinguish love of God from love of man; in fact

they had one word, agape, to de-

scribe the

one love

that simultaneously

embraces the God of love and the

least

of his brethren.

But times

all

this

is

old stuff,

when we grow

Word

that

is

stale.

us,

we

it

When

is

Some-

there

stale,

temptation to think that of generous response

isn't it?

really

is

a

God's

the dimensions

seem shrunken

are tempted to turn

the real issue, to look for

in

away from

more

practical,

relevant issues to discuss. This

is

a

dangerous thing

to do: to

avoid confrontation with the real chal16

lenge of God's Word.

Someday we

shall

meet him. The danger of embarrassment is great. He just might ask as he extends his hands to greet us just beyond the door of death: all

inevitably

"Where are your wounds?" just

It

tine,

might be

who

that,

with

St.

Augus-

wrestled a long time before

succumbing

to grace,

we

shall

have to

say:

"Too

late,

O

Lord, too late have

I

loved you."

The Meaning of Love Whatever of love,

it

is

else can

and should be

said

quite evident that true love

demands self-forgetfulness. If there are many people who use the word and claim the reality without knowing the meaning of the word or being able to love to any great extent, this

Con we

many

really forget ourselves?

is

the

test:

There are

counterfeit products on the market

which are called love, but which in fact are falsely named. We can sometimes label the gratification of our needs "love"; we can even do things for others without really loving. The acid test is always the probing question of self-forgetfulness. 17

Can we really locate the focus of our minds on the happiness and fulfillment of others? Can we really ask not what others will do for us, but only what we can do for them? love, then

we

If

we must

really

want

to

ask ourselves these

questions.

We

we own

must become aware that

capable of using people for our

are

ad-

vantage, for the satisfaction of our deep

and throbbing human needs, and be deluded into thinking that this love.

who

The young man

love a

really

is

professes to

young woman may often be de-

ceived

in

of his

own

tutes love.

thinking that the gratification egotistical urges really consti-

woman who

The young

the voids of her

own

finds

loneliness filled

by

the companionship and attention of a

young man may well mistake

this

emo-

tional satisfaction for love. Likewise, the

mother and father

who

promote the success of

anxiously try to

their children can

easily rationalize their desire for the vi-

carious experiences of success

and con-

vince themselves that they are

loving

The critical question always remains that of self-forgetfulness. Does the

parents.

young man

or

woman,

the mother or 19

father really forget himself and his

convenience and emotional to seek only the happiness

ment

of the

own

satisfaction,

and

fulfill-

beloved? These are not

merely theoretical questions. The

fact of

most of us, our own needs are so palpable and real to us, that it is enormously difficult for the seed to fall into the ground and die to itself the matter

before

20

it

is

can

that, for

live a life of love.

1hafna4^i '

Pablo

CwU$

HUMAN

PAINS IN A LOVELESS WORLD

2

All of us to

some extent

are enduring

agonies of loneliness, frustration, emo-

and

tional

spiritual starvation.

Somehow

these pains are radically due to failures in

love.

pain

is

The essential sadness of such it magnetizes the focus of our

that

attention; selves.

it

And

preoccupies

solute obstacle to a

once asked

I

mine,

"How

us

with our-

self-preoccupation life

is

an ab-

of love.

a Psychiatrist friend of

can you teach

people to

was mildly surprising, to say the least. He answered the question by asking one of his own: "Did you ever have a toothache? Of whom were love?" His answer

you thinking during the

distress of

your

When

toothache?" His point was

clear.

we

be only the

are in pain, even

if

it

passing discomforts of an aching tooth,

we

are thinking about ourselves.

The Psychiatrist continued: "This pain-filled

And

world

in

which

we

the pains that reside

is

a

are living.

deep

in

the 23

human

around us are not

hearts

toothaches.

night and

We

go

bed with them at with them in the

to

we wake up

morning. Two-thirds of

beds

like

in this

country are

mental patients.

One

all

the hospital

now

occupied by

out of ten Ameri-

cans has already been treated for mental illness. The pain inside of them simply became too deep and required profes-

The suicide

sional attention.

rates in the

eighteen to twenty-one year age group is

extremely high. Suicide ranks as the

third highest killer in this

age group.

In

the twenty-one to twenty-four year age

group, is

it is

the fourth highest

a pain-filled

we

killer.

This

world, and so, a loveless

Most human beings are so turned-in by their own pains that they cannot get enough out of themselves to love to any great extent." world that

live in.

Person and Personality Each of us person. to

is

a

unique and individual

We sometimes facetiously

others:

"After

broke the mold." fashioned

in a

God made In fact,

remark

you,

each of us

he is

unique mold. There never

has been and never will be anyone exactly like

24

you or me. However,

at the be-

ginning of the

like

person

life this

bud of

a

is,

as

it

were,

flower or plant: closed.

Only when the bud of the flower receives warmth from the sun and nourishment from the mothering soil will it open and expose all of the beauty that is latent within

it.

So, too, the

the beginning of

warmth

of

life

human

human person

must receive the and

love, assurance

the nourishment of parental affection is

to

that

at

if it

open and expose the unique beauty

God

has placed within every

human

individual. Personality, in the sense

are adopting here,

which

we

the social manifes-

is

tation or expression of person.

We

ex-

press ourselves and the unique personal

beauty radiated

ics

is

of

what psychologists

human

various ways.

call

self-revela-

the dynam-

personality.

We know is

in

opening and

This process of tion

us

in

that

if

the bud of a flower

injured by hostile forces, like an un-

seasonal frost,

it

will not

human person who

is

open. So, too, a

without the

warm

who must

encouragement of

love,

endure the

absence of praise and

chilling

affection, will

and

remain closed

in

on him25

ft

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The dynamics of his personality will be jammed. And, if the dynamics of personality are seriously impeded, the result

self.

will

be what psychologists

call neurosis.

Although there are many valid descriptions of neurosis, neuroses are ly

recognized

in

the form of

common-

a crippling

go

inability to relate well to others, to

out to them

and to accept

them

as they

are without fear of rejection.

The

First

Those

Seven Years of

who have been

Life

driven by their

discomfort to seek professional help from a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist are

often surprised that the doctor evinces particular interest in the earliest

mem-

ories of his patient's childhood.

is

It

the

unanimous consensus of psychologists that our basic personalities are fairly well

formed in the Although it is

first

seven years of

a truth

life.

which most of us

find ourselves reluctant to accept,

it

is

we do retain the psytraits which we manifested at for the rest of our lives. If we

quite obvious that chological

age seven

were quiet and predominately inward that age, the chances are that

quiet and inward; 28

if

we were

we

are

at

still

boisterous

extroverts at age seven, the chances are that others

have

still

to bear with our

boisterous extroversion.

Although

is

it

during these

some way

first

we

this age,

tissue

have acquired

seven years remain

with us for

psychological

the

difficult to accept,

psychological scars that

No

life.

in

very deep

problems originate

after

although these scars and scar-

may be aggravated

or inflamed

by circumstances occurring later in our lives. The rather common prejudice is that

we

are

fates

personally the masters of our

and the captains of our

truth of the matter

is

that

souls; the

we

are very

largely shaped by others, who, in an almost frightening way, hold our destiny in their

hands.

We

product of those

each of

are,

who have

us, the

loved us

.

.

.

or refused to love us.

Anxiety There are three basic emotional problems with which extent, live.

all

The

anxiety. Anxiety irrational fear of

of us must, to

first

of these

may be what

called

described as the

on unknown

are not quite sure

is

some

it

is

object.

that

is

We

both-

29

ering us, but

easiness

in

we

uneasiness

this

are

aware of the un-

our minds and the effects of in

our nervous system and

we

digestive tracts. To the extent that

bear the scar-tissue of anxiety,

something

that

wrong

is

or

we

fear

go

will

wrong. The deeply anxious person lives his life under Murphy's Law: "What can go wrong will go wrong." Murphy's Law is illustrated each time that we drop our toast. It always lands jam-side down. The defense mechanisms

human

into

built

many and complicated. its own anesthetics. example, when we are enduring nature are

Nature seems to seek For

such great physical pain that the thresh-

(endurance

old

capacity)

pain

of

is

crossed, nature often seeks the anesthetic

of unconsciousness.

itself

find

is

a

common

We

faint. Insanity

refuge for those

who

unbearable. It is an escape from and too-painful world with which

life

a real

the individual finds

it

impossible to cope.

So with anxiety, human nature has its

own

built-in

defense. Nature tends to

constrict the general fear of anxiety into

particular fears called phobias.

A

phobia

can be defined as an irrational fear of a 30

known but

unrealistic object. Rather

than

submit to the constant uneasiness of anxiety,

nature seeks to relieve us by con-

and

stricting

restricting this general fear

into particular

moments. There are many

who

people, for example,

look under

their beds at night before retiring, even though they have found nothing but dust

there for

who

many

years. There are others

cannot endure the

closed-in

cloister

of

a

place (claustrophobia). Others

are unable to endure the possible perils

of a high place (acrophobia). These phobias,

stant

designed to spare us from the contremors of anxiety,

many and deep-seated

are

usually

the seriously

in

anxious person.

Causes

in

the genesis of anxiety are

Psychologists, howbecoming increasingly aware of the importance of what are called

not easy to trace.

ever, are

pre-natal experiences.

When

a

woman

is

on its mother's bloodstream. Hematology (the study of blood and its diseases) has revealed the changes in blood chemistry which carrying a child, the child

is

occur during the traumatic

human

life.

We

are

all

moments

of

aware of the

physical effects of our emotions, of the 31

adrenalin flushing into our blood streams, the palpitating heart and the beads of perspiration that form on our foreheads

and

in

the palms of our hands.

The fetus or embryo, forming

mother and effects.

its

by her blood-

nourished

stream, experiences these

and

in

same impulses

They are also transmitted by

the muscular contractions of the mother's

body, which the fetus likewise experi-

The fetus records these experiences and retains them both in its braincells and nervous system which is formed ences.

during the period of gestation.

woman

is

When

a

consistently upset emotionally

during this

period

of

pregnancy,

the

be born will receive and retain the message, transmitted via blood chemistry and muscular contraction: this is a very insecure world into which it is coming. child to

We birth

is

hold

it.

know

also

very sensitive to the hands that If it is

dropped quickly or moved

quickly, this abrupt tion causes an tion.

The infant

muscles will 32

that the infant after

and unexpected mo-

immediate nervous will arch

stiffen.

its

reac-

back and

Only gradually

its

will

those muscles relax and

become supple

do not hear soft sounds, loud noises shock the infansudden but again. Infants

tile

nervous system; again the back will

arch and stiffen, the muscles will

become

tense and rigid. Consequently, the nerv-

ous hands and abrupt movements, the

exploding voices of the infant's parents tend to reinforce the message of

will

which will be retained in the brain cells and nervous system of the anxiety,

child for

life.

Very often

we

call

the seriously anx-

ious person a "worry-wart."

persons,

in

We tell these

our naivete and lack of com-

passion, that they shouldn't worry.

We

even accuse them of looking for things worry about. Actually the person who is given to worry has very little control

to

over these passion

is

instincts,

and our

lack of

com-

hardly of help to him.

The Guilt Complex The second basic emotional to

which

heirs,

is

all

of us are to

affliction,

some extent

called the guilt complex.

The

first

thing that must be said about this guilt

complex

is

that

it

is

unrelated to actual 33

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Him*

has are encouraging symptoms of

awakening. He questions author-

lectual ity

and even

his religious faith.

make

his convictions his

ing to

must never be scolded time of sitive

intel-

life

He is tryown. He

for this.

when he most needs

sympathy of

It

is

the

the sen-

his parents.

The adolescent is especially sensitive to criticism and disparagement. He needs abundant affection, encouragement, praise

and attention

to counteract the

demoralizing experiences of the

room, the

athletic field

class-

and the scramble

for social acceptance. Bragging or belittling others

is

only his

personal insecurity, and

way

to conceal

its

importance

should not be exaggerated. Those volunteer to "take him

him

down

a

who

peg" do

a great disservice.

The most serious adjustment of the is the emancipation from fam-

adolescent ily

bonds. Overprotective or possessive

parents are terribly frustrating to him,

and he may develop an allergy for all authority as a result. He may even try to appear to be dirty or disheveled to serve notice to the world that all parental training in cleanliness has been successfully

92

The emancipation that should

rejected.

be taking place during this time involves emergence from parental supervi-

".

.

.

upon the

sion, reliance

security that

one

can give himself rather than upon the

by parents, development of an attitude toward parents as friends rather than as protectors and security provided

supervisors, planning of one's

and making one's

own

own

time

decision without

over-bearing parental control."

(cf.

Luella

Cole, The Psychology of Adolescent, 3rd edition, p. 7.)

The problem of the sexual urge very

If

he

is

to learn the true relation-

between sex and

ship

tant that

a

source of confusion to the ado-

real

lescent.

is

he

love,

it

is

impor-

feel free to discuss these

shame with He must be helped to accept

matters openly and without his parents. his

new

tural

sexual feelings as normal, na-

and good. He must

wisdom gence

is

of

self-control.

very

commonly

sion to primitive

and

satisfaction in this

Sexual

indul-

a sign of regres-

infantile

gratification.

forms of

To mature

matter of sexuality will generally

bring with

grow

and

also learn the

it

in this

total maturation,- to fail to

area usually causes fixations

93

or

regression.

not afford a

Sexual

curity nor will

it

emotional needs. tional

indulgence does

much needed

feeling of se-

satisfy afFectional

however, the

If,

and

affec-

and emotional needs of adoles-

cence are satisfied ships with

and within

in

controlled relation-

members

of the opposite sex

own

family, the sexual

his

urge will be far easier for the adolescent

and other

to control. Masturbation at

sexual

self-gratification

are

efforts

usually

symptomatic of retardation or regression in personal development. Such indul-

gence educates the deepest neurovegetative instincts in

man

personal gratification. stincts are correctly

to seek primarily

Unless these

educated

cence, there will be a

in

in-

adoles-

deep and perma-

nent stamp of selfishness on the person at

the instinctual level, and this will be a

serious,

if

not insuperable, obstacle to

the ability to love.

Positive vs Negative

Reinforcements of the Will Sometimes we speak of the will as though it were a muscle, either strong or weak. This manner of speaking can easily

94

obscure a very important

reality

about

human conduct. The will is not itself weak or strong in us; it is rather our motivation that is weak or strong. It is also important to realize that reasons for good

conduct are not the same as motives.

We

might well enumerate many good

rea-

sons for doing this or that, but they are

move us. The word movere means "to move" and this word from which our word

not motives unless they Latin it

is

motive

is

derived.

Because, as

every person

what

will

is

we

unique,

a

in

may

a

also true that

good reason will, its

somehow exposed

question. The

authority cannot, it

If

motive for the

ness must be

person

it is

move one person might

leave another cold.

become

said in the beginning,

in itself,

well is

to

goodto the

imposition of

produce

virtue;

well produce conformity, but con-

formity

is

not always virtue. Virtue must

come from within

a

person.

It

must be

the product of an interior act of the will

seeking a good, and the will responds only to motives

whose good

is

recog-

nized.

Psychologists,

in

studying

human

motivation, have found that positive re-

95

inforcements of the will (reward for good conduct) are infinitely more effective than negative reinforcements (punishments for

bad conduct). To be constantly critical of young person is obviously a dangerous thing. It tends to undermine his confidence and to make all authority obnoxious. However, if one takes the approach a

of positive

reinforcements, tending to

overlook small failures

conduct but

in

never failing to recognize and reward with a kind word) the desired

(at least

conduct, the effect will be almost magical.

It

leased

is

an

in

illustration of the

image: most people will be duct what If

will

we

power

the creation of a good

we

tell

them they

build pedestals,

climb up on them;

if

in their

re-

self-

con-

are.

young people

we

keep our

hands on the edge of the rug, always ready to pull

it

out from under them,

there can only be trouble ahead.

96

CAUTION

human beings

HANDLE WITH CARE

5

LEARNING TO LOVE

The whole process of maturation de-

pends on how we react to the difficulties or challenges of life. The immature person sees only the

difficulties:

they are so

close to his near-sighted eyes that he can

see only the problems and pays very tle is,

attention to his

own

the

and

in fact,

critical

reaction

lit-

which

definitive thing.

but our reaction to them William As James has suggestdoes ed, there may be a God in heaven who Difficulties pass,

not.

forgives us our sins, but

human

nature

They are memorized in our minds, muscles, fibers, and brain-cells. Each reaction, mature or immature, lin-

does

not.

gers on

in

us as the beginning of a habit.

Repeated mature reactions tend to pro-

duce the formed habits of maturity which define us. Repeated immature reactions dig their

own

grooves.

must always accept present, pilgrim and hu-

The Christian himself

man

in

his

condition, which will inevitably in-

volve failure. Ideals must always be

troduced to the

in-

test of actual experience,

99

and

in this

introduction our ideals, which

very often sound beautiful, become a struggle, a renunciation, a battle for control

of self, a willingness to start again in

the

wake

of failures, a lucid acceptance

of the mystery of the cross. It is

not the problem, and

not the isolated failure that

in this

case

is critical,

de-

and paramount. It is our reaction The reaction of the Christian must always be suffused with a confidence nourished by the conviction that God and he are a majority, even stronger than his own weakness. The process of maturation as a Christian and as a human being will inevitably be marked by failures, finitive,

to

it.

but the only real failure

is

to quit.

When

the situation gets tough, the Christian

must get tougher. He must become ger than his problems.

In

big-

the end, such

determination to love will bring him to the feet of Love

itself,

which

is

his eter-

nal victory in the victorious Christ.

The Paradox of Love All of us experience at

some time

another a feeling of loneliness and tion, a

100

or

isola-

very painful void inside of our-

becomes an unbearable

selves that

pris-

We

have all felt at some time alienated from others, separated from the group, alone and lonely. By its very naon.

ture this loneliness, like

all

of our tooth-

aches, centers the focus of attention on

ourselves.

We

satisfy this

hunger

others

who

seek to .

.

.

fill

this void, to

we go

out to find

will love us.

We may

do things

for

them

obvious attempt to gain their love.

may come out

to

them with hands

like pan-scales.

On

an

in

We

stretched

the one hand

is

our donation to them, the other hand being

extended

us.

We may

ing that this

to receive their

even be deceived

into think-

loving.

is

We know filled

donation to

that our loneliness can be

only by the love of others.

We

we must feel loved. The paradox is this: if we seek to fill the void of our own loneliness in seeking love from others, we will inevitably find no consoknow

that

lation

but only

a

true that "You're

deeper desolation.

Nobody

Till

Loves You." Only the person

experienced love It

is

a

is

It

is

Somebody

who

has

capable of growing.

frightening but true reality of hu101

t»nt Hiy

...

Jy

V >

•

i«y

V*

V

^>

'/

J-

man

life that,

by loving

me

or refusing

me, others hold the potential of in their hands. Most of us, driven by our own aching needs and voids, address life and other people in

to love

my

maturity

the stance of seekers.

We

become what

C. S. Lewis, in his book, The Four Loves,

those pathetic people

who

simply want friends and can never

make

".

calls

.

.

any. The very condition of having friends is

we

that

should want something else

besides friends." Most of us

need that

to

we

dox remains uncompromised; the love which we need, we find

it.

know

our

be loved and try to seek the love need from others. But the para-

We

are

if

we

seek

will never

lost.

Love can effect the solution of our

we must face the fact that we must become loveable.

problems, but to be loved,

When

a

person orients his

life

own

the satisfaction of his

towards

needs,

when

he goes out to seek the love which he needs, no matter how we try to soften our judgments of him, he

He

is

not loveable, even

serve our compassion. ing on himself,

tinues

104

to

and

is

self-centered.

he does de-

if

He

is

concentrat-

as long as

concentrate

on

he con-

himself,

his

always remain stunted

ability to love will

and he

will himself

remain

a perennial

infant. If,

however,

person seeks not to

a

receive love, but rather to give

it,

he

will

become loveable and he

most

cer-

be loved

tainly

will

the end. This

in

immutable law under which

we

the

is

live:

con-

cern for ourself and convergence upon

can only isolate self and induce an

self

even deeper and more torturous ness.

a vicious

It is

terrible cycle that

on us when loneliness, seeking

closes in to

and

loneli-

be relieved through the love of others,

only increases.

The only way

formed by our

we can

lusting

break

egos

ing concerned with ourselves to

be

concerned with

course,

of one's fact, It is

is

is

this cycle

to stop be-

and

others.

to

begin

This,

of

not easy. To relocate the focus

mind from

self to others can, in

mean a lifetime of effort and work. made more difficult because we must

put others

in

ourselves.

We

the forefront,

must

in

place of

learn to respond to

the needs of others without seeking the satisfaction of

our

own

needs. 105

book, Religion and Personality,

In his

psychologist-priest Adrian van sists that

anyone seeks

if

his

Kaam

own

in-

happi-

ness and fulfillment, he will never find

them; but adds

own

that,

if

one does

happiness and fulfillment,

find his

it

will

be

because he has forgotten himself to seek the happiness and fulfillment of those

around him. The problem clutching to our

all

that

is

own

we

life-rafts.

are tempted to fascination with our self-fulfillment

somehow

and everything

We own

we do is own

designed to achieve our

safety and happiness. in

are

We

can be

selfish

very refined and subtle ways. Such

preoccupation with

self

an absolute

is

human happiness and fulfillhuman happiness and ful-

obstacle to

ment, because

be attained only through

fillment can

genuine

love. Each of us

must make

how we we decide

basic decision about

spend our our

lives.

lives in

If

the pursuit of our

piness and fulfilment, to failure

we

and desolation.

spend our

lives

If

implied

tain our

106

to

spend

own

hap-

decide to

seeking the fulfillment

in love,

own

intend to

are destined

we

and happiness of others, and is

a

we

this

is

what

shall certainly at-

happiness and fulfillment.

The person fulfillment, or

who wants only who decides to

order that he be his love

in

is

be

A

who

decides to love

and happy

we

in

still

any way as a because if we

be within the treacherous

vicious circle, traveling always

ourselves.

order

the

of self-fulfillment,

own needs

in

be disap-

grow because

cannot conceive of love

means do we will

will

and

himself. Consequently,

pointed and will not is still

person can grow

as his horizon allows,

fulfilled

horizon

love in

vain because the focus re-

much

the person to

own

fulfilled, will find that

mains on himself. only as

his

from our

through others and back into

We

cannot ever use others as

means. They must always be the endobject of love.

only

in

We

will attain maturity

proportion to the shifting of the

away from ourselves and our own needs and away from the

focus of our minds

desire

self-centered

to

satisfy those

needs.

Loving others can be truly accomplished only

when

the focus of our minds

and the object of our desires

when

all

is

another,

of our activity results from con-

cern for another and not from concern for ourselves.

We

have said that

if

a per-

107

son truly loves

way, he

in this

be

will

loved and he should accept the love of others.

ed

However the delusion

at all costs

is

my

be avoid-

to love in order to re-

ceive this return. gests, lose

to

must, as Christ sug-

I

before

life

I

can gain

it.

must find out that the only real receiving is in giving. have to lose my life and cannot lose it if always have it I

I

I

I

my own

clearly before In

mind.

other words, love means a con-

cern for, acceptance of, and an interest in

the others around

ing to love.

may prove

It

is

be an

to

me whom am I

a self-donation

try-

which

altar of sacrifice.

I

can love others only to the extent they

my

are truly the focus of

and

life;

and

I

mind, heart,

can find myself only by

forgetting myself. Love

indeed costly

is

and demanding. Because of the inward pains that

all

of us bear, the scar tissues

that are part of our

human

inheritance,

because of the competition and example of a self-grasping world, cult for us to

make

selves that

involved

is

it

will

be

diffi-

the sacrifice of ourin

loving. Loving

always means

at least this sacrifice,

orientation of

my

the

thoughts and desires

towards others and the abandonment of 108

my own to

and

self

abandonment always

such

say,

volves a high cost to But

if

a life of love

for

the only truly it

is

filled

in-

self. is

difficult,

not a bleak or unrewarding it is

Needless

self-interest.

life.

it

is

In fact,

human and happy

life

with concerns that are as

deep as life, as wide as the whole world, and as far reaching as eternity. It is only when we have consented to love, and have agreed to forget ourselves, that we can find our fulfillment.

It

perceived and mysterious

we

of God, but will

the

We

it

and

it

will

have

revolution

that

in us.

Copernican

un-

the Grace

will recognize

be recognized

made

come

will like

relocates the focus of our

minds and

on the good and fulfillment of others; and although this conversion has sought nothing for itself, it has received hearts

everything. The loveable person last analysis,

the one

who

has

in

the

made

the

is,

consent to love.

So often

we demand

that others love

us without being willing to sacrifice

and abandonment of

make

the

self that

is

become loveable. However, anyone has mastered the delicate and profound paradox that love involves, necessary to if

109

and has been willing to dedicate himself

demand

without reservation or

needs and fulfillment of others,

to the

he

for return

be loved and

will certainly

fulfilled

within himself.

how

we

we

have never been loved? Between black and white there is always an area of gray. All of us have some capacity to love, But

some

can

love

move

ability to

if

the focus of our

minds out from ourselves to the needs, happiness, and fulfillment of others. To the extent that we do this, to the extent

we

that

actualize this potential that

latent within us, if

at the

little,

we

love that

we

can love only a

be loved

shall

we

be loved. Even

will

we

beginning

is

a

receive will

grow more and more out

little,-

and the

empower

us to

of ourselves in

the direction that love leads. This, then, is

the challenge that

us:

be

we must it

utilize

small or great,

the extent that

we

lies

before each of

whatever capacity, have for love. To

we

are willing to

the effort and dedication that

we

is

make

involved,

will be nourished and strengthened by the love that we shall receive in return; but we must remember that, in making this self-donation, the focus of

112

our minds must always be away from

and

self

this

precludes thinking of or ask-

ing for a return. tion:

When we

ask that ques-

"What Have You Done

have ceased

For

Me?" we

to love.

Christ

and Love no doubt about

Christ our Lord left

He

the credential of the Christian.

said,

that you are my you love one another love one another as have loved you this is all command you that you love one another." Saint John reminds us in

"By

men know

this shall

disciples, that

.

.

I

.

.

.

.

I

his

First

love

Epistle that

it

is

God whom we do

impossible to

not see and not

whom we do see. of these things we have read, and

love those around us All

perhaps than

life

takes as

we

pay them more

service.

done

We know

to himself

lip

service

that Christ

what we do

to

others; he accepts as given to himself

our concern and kindness for others. the daily battle, however,

when

our

In

own we

needs are so throbbing and painful, forget.

The only attitude worthy of the Christian

is

who thought of who gave himself until

that of Christ,

others always,

113

he had not another drop of blood to give. In his own words, "Greater love than this no man has than that he lay

down

his life for his friend." This

what

course,

down

our

lives for others.

have consented to do ourselves, our

own

ment, and only then tians.

If

we

fail

be some

will

tions that the

who in

It

own

fulfill-

perhaps there

this,

the ques-

in

asked: in

"If

Christians

their

Redeemer,

was

this

little more resame Nietzsche

coined the phrase, so sadly

our

find

we be true Chris-

don't they look a

deemed?"

we

agnostic philosopher,

wish us to believe

why

we

justification

once

Nietzsche,

Only when

happiness and

do

to

of lay

this will

will

is,

we

love asks of us, that

days:

"God

is

Love of Christ

common

dead." in

the

Love of Christians In

the

1920's,

the philosopher of

American Communism was a Jew named Mike Gold. After communism fell into general disrepute in this country, Mike Gold became a man of oblivion. In this oblivion he wrote a book, A Jew Without Knowing It. In describing his childhood in New York City, he tells of his mother's 114

never

instructions

to

wander beyond

four certain streets. She could not

tell

a Jewish ghetto. She him that he had the wrong could not tell kind of blood in his veins. Children do

him that

was

it

not understand prejudice. Prejudice

is

a

poison that must gradually seep into a person's blood stream. his narration,

In

Mike Gold

tells

of

the day that curiosity lured him beyond the four streets, outside of his ghetto,

and of how he was accosted by a group of older boys who asked him a puzzling question: "Hey, kid, are you a kike?" "I don't know." He had never heard the

word

before. The older boys

came back

with a paraphrase of their question. "Are

you

a

Christ-killer?"

boy responded,

"I

Again, the small

don't know."

He had

never heard that word either. So the old-

him where he lived, and most small boys to recite

er boys asked

trained

like

their address in the case of

being

Mike Gold "So you are

a

Well you're

in Christian territory

and

are Christians. We're going to teach to stay

where you belong!" And

beat the

lost,

them where he lived. kike; you are a Christ-killer.

told

little

we you

so they

boy, bloodied his face and 115

tore his clothes

and sent him home

jeering

"We

you

litany:

We

Christ

.

where you be-

Christ! Stay

killed

long!

to the

are Christians and

are Christians, and you killed .".

.

When

he arrived home, Mike Gold

was asked by his frightened mother: "What happened to you, Mike?" He could answer only:

"I

don't know."

"Who

did this to you, Mike?" Again he an-

know." And so the mother washed the blood from the face of her little boy and put him into fresh clothes and took him into her lap as she sat in a rocker, and tried to soothe him. Mike Gold recalled so much later in life swered:

"I

don't

that he raised his small battered lips to

the ear of his mother and asked:

who

Mike Gold died meals were taken at house

"Mama,

Christ?"

is

New

York

in

1967.

His

last

a Catholic Charity

by Dorothy Day. She once said of him: "Mike Gold in

eats every

he

will

day

at the table of Christ,

first

heard

his

name."

so he died.

For better or for

worse Christ has

taken us as his living symbols 116

but

probably never accept him be-

cause of the day he

And

City, run

in

this

world. The world that

God

is

dead or

who

ing

only

not, the

Christ

is

asking whether

world that

can find

its

ask-

is

answers

the Christian. For better or for

in

we

worse,

is

are Christ to the world.

Almost any other apologetic for the faith can be memorized, re-

Christian

and delivered without

hearsed,

except

apologetic

the

which of

its

of

effect

Love,

essence seeks only the good

of others and

is

willing to pay the high

price of self-forgetfulness,

which

love.

is

a

product

hard to imitate or counterfeit.

is

To love, one must have enormous motivation.

a

In

world which

is

grasping world,

in

gouging and clawing

a

for

the riches of this world, the Christian by his

love must stand forth as a breath-

taking exception. The true Christian must

seek only the good, the fulfillment and the destiny of his fellow man. Love will

always be

his most eloquent argument and effective means. It is difficult. And

yet the Lord Christ of the Gospels stands

with

and

us,

it

becomes our

imperative: "By this shall

you are

my

Christian

men know

disciples, that

that

you love one

another." 117

EPILOGUE The poet, Archibald MacLeish, has men are affected more by sym-

said that

by

bols than

ideas.

he says,

ness,

The symbol of lonelilights above the

two

is

symbol of grief is a solitary figure standing in a doorway. The symbol of Christ in this world is the Christian. sea; the

Over the hangs there

of our churches there

altars

Under the

a large crucifix.

crucifix

the unwritten caption: "Greater

is

Love than

this

no man has

.

love one

.

.

have loved you." It is a conreminder of our vocation as wit-

another as stant

I

nesses to Christ.

There

.

.

wrote "God

,

does not love see,

who

if any man tells me that he God whom he does not see, but

love

loves

about the Evan-

a story told

John, the one

gelist St. is

is

he

is

his brother

simply a

that the story

of his long

is

liar."

whom

of this

It is

told that, in the

life,

he would

he does

sit

John

evening

for hours

with his younger disciples gathered his feet.

well

One

day, as

established

it

is

tradition,

disciples complained: "John, talk

at

related in this

one of

his

you always

about love, about God's love for us 119

and about our love for one another. don't you tell us about something else besides love?" The disciple who once, as a youth, had laid his head over the heart of God made man, is said to have replied: "Because there is nothing

Why

else, just love is

It

altar

of

.

a long

.

.

love

.

.

it

asks an

price in self-forgetfulness;

to our

God,

120

itself.

human

who

is

love."

and hard road;

sacrifice,-

nothing for

.

Love

is

it

it

is

an

enormous must seek

the only

way

destiny and to the feet of

Love.

WHY AM

I

AFRAID TO LOVE?

John Powell

a capacity and a yearning to love

There

is

within

all

want

of us that

we

are afraid to release.

We

to give ourselves to others but fear our

gift will

not be accepted.

The author's deep

gained as teacher, counselor and lecturer give us a rare opportunity to break shell that encloses us. Catalog No. B106 insights,

this

Price $1.75

WHY AM

I

AFRAID TO TELL YOU

WHO AM? I

By John Powell

This book deals with self-awareness, growth, and communication and is written for a popular readership. Sequel to author's very successful Why Am I Afraid To Love? Discusses the human condition, growing as a person, interpersonal relationships, dealing with emotions, methods of ego defense. Presents a catalog of psychological games and roles. Author believes that the courage "to tell you who am" is the I

which maturity, dedication, and love are made.

stuff of

Catalog No. Bl 16 Price $1.75

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