The author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus updates his guide to enriching relationships with members of the o
572 29 19MB
English Pages 218 [236] Year 1993
Gray gives us profound insights into the emotional dynamics of intimate relationships and how to deal with them in a loving way." "Dr.
— Hedrick Smith New York Times
A Guide for Enriching Relationships
John Gray, Ph.D. New York Times Bestseller MEN Are From Mars, women Are from Venus Author of the #1
^*
Digitized by tine Internet Archive in
2010
littp://www.archive.org/details/wliatyoufeelyoucaOOgray
WHAT YOU FEEL
A Guide for Enriching Relationships
John Gray, Ph.D. m^ HEART ^W MiU
Publishing
VaUey, California
7>
those sfronii people
\Hlin}> to feel
who are
and open
learts, creating
their
a better world for
IS all.
Copyright
© 1984 by John
Gray, Ph.D.
Copyright© 1994 by John Gray, Ph.D.
ntroduction
No part of this book may be reproduced any form or by any means, electronic or nechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any iformational storage and retrieval system, without ^11
)r
rights reserved.
transmitted
)ermission -ibrary of
in
in
writing from the publisher.
Congress Catalog Card No. 84-82045
ieart Publishing
Company
>uiteA-130 !0
Sunnyside Ave.
m\
Valley,
CA 94941
SBN
0-931269-01-6 (Paperback) )esigned by Robert Herstek ^over designed by David Charlsen 'rinted in the United States of
America
Foreword We
all
need to love and be loved, yet
fulfilling this
primary need can
be one of life's greatest challenges. Creating loving and lasting relationships is
a necessity
if
we
are to maintain psychological health. But finding and
more than just good
sustaining loving relationships takes
practice and a
skill,
To tions
truly give
commitment
intentions,
and receive love we must learn
is
learning to love yourself.
and receive love
Unconditional love
not just an
will is
As you grow
in self love,
your
ability
grow automatically.
when our hearts are full and overflowwhen we are feeling positive and loved when we are feeling negative and unloved.
realized
easy to love unconditionally
by others.
It
becomes
At such times, when
we must
is
something we can realize through practice. The secret to develop-
ing this skill
ing. It is
takes
to give without expecta-
and receive without demanding. This unconditional love
ideal but
to give
it
to growing.
it
difficult is
difficult to receive love
and support from outside
Then when we are feeling good about ourselves, it is not only easier to give but it becomes easier to communicate and negotiate the fulfillment of our own needs and wants. We become like a
turn inside and give to ourselves.
magnet which
emotions from the past
Through learning
more Can Heal
attracts
IVhat You Feel, You
restrict
to feel
support. clearly
shows how unresolved negative
our ability to love ourselves as well as others.
and express our hidden feelings we can begin
love and accept parts of us that
were
lost in the past.
to
We need not be prisoners
who we truly we deserve. This book inspires
of our past but can set ourselves free to share the richness of are and receive the support and recognition that
us to be kinder to ourselves and to create loving and lasting relationships. In this simple and useful book, you will learn practical techniques to
enrich your relationships with greater love, communication and cooperation.
Most of all, however, you
love of
will learn to love yourself which
is
the greatest
all.
Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D.
Author of Lifemates
Acknowledgements With deepest gratitude Bonnie Gray,
my
wish
I
to thank:
wife and panner, for her
loving and devoted support which inspires
me
to ever-increasing heights;
Barbara DeAngelis, whose loving presence and
editorial expertise assisted
me
greatly in
the writing of this book;
Tamira Langton, belief in
me and
for her continuous love and all that
I've written
on the
following pages;
Linda Lawson, for her understanding and implementation of these techniques as
HEART Counseling Center;
Director of the
my
Merril Jacobs, for her loving support of
and her insightful proofreading
artistic ability
of
this manuscript;
Helen Drake,
for her sensitive editorial
efforts;
Robert Herstek, for his dedication,
commitment and amazing and publishing
this
skill in
assembling
book;
Bob Hoffman and Connie
Berens, for their
diligent and generous efforts in producing this
book;
All the thousands of graduates of
seminars for practicing the
my
HEART
techniques and proving their practical validity and giving
develop the
and especially I
me
HEART
the confidence to
Model;
to Virginia
Gray,
my
mother
—
love you. J.G.
Introduction What You
You Can Heal was
Feel,
released fourteen years ago and
first
since that time thousands of relationships have been dramatically improved
and enriched. Repeatedly
I
have received
letters
and
calls
from people who
say their marriages have been saved or their relationship with their parents or children has been dramatically healed. Therapists, marriage counselors
and teachers commonly recommend
word of mouth have made
general
The
practical insights, tools
Feel, You
Can Heal change
ful for years to
These kinds of testimonials and
book an ongoing best
and techniques presented
lives in a matter
book you
this
and intimacy but also how
lasting love all
come. In
it.
this
seller.
What You
in
of days and continue to be use-
how
will not only learn
to love yourself
to ensure
more and improve
your relationships.
So many times
in relationships
great hope. Gradually
we
start
out loving our partners with
however the passion declines and we
either lose
we simply become numb. Although we do
touch with our good feelings or
not want to end our relationships, there seems to be no choice.
how to heal feelings, new partner to feel alive
Fortunately, however, through understanding there again.
a solution.
is
Love
Throughout
that this
It is
is
not necessary to find a
"lost"
book you
generally just buried.
is
will discover practical
ways
can be found.
It
your feelings
to find
and experience love again.
The
intention to be loving
is
not enough;
strategies for dealing with our feelings.
ships
is
it
is
necessary to learn
The challenge of
new
all
our relafion-
to stay in touch with our loving feelings without
denying the
painful or difficult feelings that arise from time to time.
Since writing What You Feel, You
unique ways
we
men and women
feel
Can Heal
and express
speak different languages and react as
This understanding
I
cover in
from Venus. Yet even with
this
my
book,
have also discovered the
their feelings. In
we
are
from
Men Are from
understanding there are
the basis of finding resolution and skillfully
if
I
making peace with
many ways
different planets.
Mars,
Women Are
conflicts,
still
the other sex
and is
to
transform negafive feelings into positive ones.
Many men have about them while
a tendency to cope with feelings by
many women
prefer to talk aloud to sort
first
them
thinking out.
This
fundamental conflict can be resolved using the Love Letter Technique described in Chapter
8. It is particularly
helpful for
women
to get in touch
with their feelings
and there
talk
when
those times
at
no one else
is
their
male partner
When
to talk to.
a
woman
is
not wanting to
has to wail a long
time to talk about her feelings, a frustration builds up, and then when she
does
talk,
she
so upset that he can't listen without feeling blamed, mis-
is
(Men may also react this way as well.) recommend that men use the Love Letter Technique
trusted or attacked. 1
when
feeling their loving feelings.
I
personally use this technique whenever
my
resentful or annoyed about anything. After exploring
am
for those times
thinking about what's bothering them doesn't bring them back to
them
able to talk about
1
feel
feelings, then
I
more centered and relaxed manner.
in a
Feelings are very powerful. They can bring us closer and create
inti-
macy or they can be hurtful and push our partners even further away.
It is
we
important that
them
in a
way
"dump"
don't
feelings on our partners but learn to share
useful to write out your feelings for your
away, while
at
your partner
For
that doesn't offend or hurt.
own
other times sharing your letters
blamed or
will feel
hurt, then
it
this reason,
sometimes
may be is
helpful. If
good
to
it
is
them
benefit and then throw
you sense
keep your
letters
private.
Love Letter Technique described
In addition to the
gest that after writing out what
could hear you, then write a like to hear in response.
Throughout and
feelings.
No
This
little
to tell
Chapter
in
to yourself saying
1
sug-
if
they
8,
your partner
what you would
addition has tremendous benefits.
will gain insight to
master your emotions
longer will you be controlled by them or disconnected
from them. Most of uine reactions to
back
letter
book you
this
you would want
all
life
you
will learn the
and how
to heal
importance of feeling your gen-
and release the binding influence of
any negative experiences. The hurts of your past need not hold you back.
Through opening up
to
your feelings
in a
systematic way, you will truly
experience that what you feel you can heal. I
hope
this
greater love,
book
will inspire
you
to enrich all
your relationships with
communication and cooperation and provide you with greater
fulfillment and peace.
You deserve
it.
John Gray, Ph.D. January
1,
1994
Table Chapter
1
—
Of Contents
Love: The Central Need
1
What Happens When You Love Yourself Where It all Began
Chapter 2
—
O.K. To Appreciate Yourself
12
It's
O.K. To Desire For Yourself
14
It's
O.K. To Be Yourself
15
It's
O.K. To Make Mistakes
16
It's
O.K. To Express Yourself
17
Learning to Trust Love
1
How Are You Hiding Yourself?
19
1
3.
4. 5.
6. 7. 8.
9.
10.
11. 12. 13.
The The The The The The The The The The The The The
How
Chapter 4
—
—
10
It's
2.
Chapter 3
6 *
8
Performer
20
Critic
22
Boaster
24
Victim
26
Nice Person
28
Self-righteous Person
30
Angry Person
32
Fake
33
Believer
34
Shy Person Show-off
36
Loner
40 42 44
38
Sacrificer
Successful Are
What Happens
You At Hiding?
In Relationships?
46
What Is The Norm? What Are The Options? Who Taught You How To Love?
48
Releaming Love
56
Enriching Relationships
57
The
63
5
54
Essential Key: Telling the Complete Truth
The Iceberg
66
Effect
Living In Your Heart
What Are You
And Not
Really Feeling?
In
Your Head
67
68
Chapter 5
—
What Happens When You Dont The Four
The Warning Signs
—
The Truth?
R's
80 82
2.
Resentment
83
3.
Rejection
84
4.
Repression
86
The Reasons You Repress Your Feelings
92
Feelings Never Die
94
Your Friends
Feelings Are
104
Healing Repressed Feelings
106
Healing The Past With Therapy
109
What You Can
1
10
1
1
1
12
Sharing
Feel
You Can Heal
Not Easy
Is
Using Tact
Chapter 7
—
What Makes
Relationships So Crazy
114
Your Emotional Connections
116 118
See-Saw
Effect
Out Of Proportion On The Wall The See-Saw Effect And Your Parents Kids And The See-Saw Effect The Multiple Tank Effect Breaking The Connection How To Recognize The See-Saw Effect What You Can Do About The See-Saw
2.
128 130 131
132
134 135 Effect
136 137
The Duplication Technique How Duplication Works
138
How To Practice Duplication A Sample Of Duplication
141
139
143
The Anger Process
When And How To 3.
124
126
The Heart Techniques 1.
122
Blows Your Feelings
Mirror, Mirror
—
I
What You Suppress Your Partner May Express Why Women May Seem Overemotional Why Women May Become Needy
How The
Chapter 8
Ih
Resistance
1.
Chapter 6
Tell
The Love The Love
How To
152 Practice
Letter Technique
Letter
Write
Format
A Love
Letter
The Anger Process
157 158
160 162
What To Do When YouVe Written To Your Partner
A
Love Letter
Rules For Reading Love Letters
Writing
A Love
Letter
165
166
To Someone Other Than
Your Partner
166
What To Do When Your Partner Won't Read Your Love Letter Or Write One 168 What To Do When You Are Finished Reading Your
Letters
What To Do In An Emotional Emergency Hints To Make Writing Your First Few Love Letters Easier
169
170
171
Helpful Tips For Writing Love Letters
172
Sample Love Letters • Jo Anne's Love Letter To Her Boyfriend • Bonnie's Letter To Her Father • Children's Love Letters Writing A Love Letter To Yourself
178
180 181
182 183
Chapter 9
—
Love
Not Enough
185
Chapter 10
—
Asking For What You Want
192
Chapter 11
—
Love Doesn't Mean Being Nice All The Time
200
Chapter 12
—
Breaking
Up With Love
206
Chapter 13
—
The
Of Love
210
Is
Gift
Pi^
^3(5C3.j^«^ '^VW^
Without Love,
all else will fail
Chapter
1
Love: The Central Need As human
beings,
we
are incredibly complex with an endless
stream of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs that must be satisfied.
Frustration at any of these levels can produce suffering to the
whole being. There
is
one need so fundamental and essential that, when
not met, causes everything else to
need
is
the need for love
fail
or
fall
short of fulfillment. That
— love of others and love of yourself.
The major cause of human
and frustration
dissatisfaction
absence of love. This fundamental
human need outweighs
all
is
the
others.
a genuine sense of fulfillment.
It is
the
foundation of security upon which you can build a successful
life.
No
Without love you can never
feel
matter what you possess, you cannot fully enjoy
it
yourself and sharing with people you care about.
you accomplish or acquire
in life,
it
unless you are loving
No
matter
how much
cannot supersede your basic need
for love.
In essence,
what I'm saying is that your biggest problem is your your need for love and that because of it, you end up
inability to satisfy
creating
all sorts
of other problems.
That need for love begins with your need to love yourself. When you are not able to love yourself, it becomes very difficult for others to love you. Self-love is essential if you are to receive the love you want and deserve.
The need for Love outweighs
all
of our other pursuits.
Every person has special
qualities that
make them
unique.
Every one of us is born with a unique and special value. There is no one who can be a better you. You have a special place in this universe and a part of growing up is discovering your own niche finding out what you have to offer, what you are here to do, and then
—
doing
it.
This discovery will bring you deep fulfillment and enliven the
core of your being.
masking who you the way you are.
The only way to accomplish this task is to stop and to begin accepting and loving yourself
really are
is
You
louc,sw€e+ love..
book if you didn't love yourself. A enough to say: "I do deserve more love Maybe this book will help." At least you
wouldn't be reading
part of you does love yourself
and I'm determined to get it. haven't given up on yourself.
this
Consider
Q:
this line
Why
of questioning:
do you
get upset
when
people don't appreciate you? feel you deserve to be appreciated.
A: Because you
Q: Why do you dress in nice clothes? A: Because you want people to like you. Q: Why do you want people to love you? A: Because you feel you deserve it.
Deep down
you want love, appreciation and acceptance from people because you feel you do deserve it. But you, like most people, have probably lost touch with that feeling of self-love that you had when you were a small child. inside,
What Happens When You Love When you
Yourself
love yourself in the presence of others, you are able to
The more The more you come out, the easier it is for people to appreciate the real you and not the image you project or the mask you wear. The more people appreciate and love you, the more you can love yourself. It is a cycle of increasing love and true self-expression. express your inner gifts and talents without fear or restriction.
you love
yourself, the
more you
are able to
come
out.
more I express myself more People can love me more I love myself more I
love myself
etc.
When you don't love yourself and you mask your real self, the cycle works
of decreasing love and true
in the opposite direction
expression.
I
I
express
love
my
my
real self less
real self less (I
People can love I
love
my
my
wear a mask)
real self less
real self less etc.
self-
When you others
start loving yourself
more of your inner to love you more.
express
more, you are able to and talents and allow
gifts
Loving yourself gives you the
The world
we
is
like
ability to love others.
a mirror showing us a reflection of
are.
8
who
Loving yourself more gives you the ability to love and appreciate more as well. The world becomes a different place. For each of us
others
the world
is
like
a big mirror, showing us a reflection of who
we are.
We
each see the world through different-colored glasses, determined by the
way we
feel
about ourselves.
People who hate the world hate themselves.
People
when you
who
are disapproving of others,
you see and first
Much
hate the world hate themselves.
dislike.
Leaming
it
is
of the time,
really a part of yourself that
to love yourself
and
to
step in leaming to accept, value and love others,
be yourself
is
the
and enriching your
relationships.
To
start
your journey towards loving yourself again,
look at where
it
all
began
.
.
let's
take a
Where You were born
All
It
with an infinite supply of self-love. Self-love
quality naturally instilled in every baby. didn't
Began Did you ever
want love and attention, and make a big fuss when
quota? Can you even imagine a baby complaining "Give you're smothering
As adults,
little
we
me
it
is
I've
it
is
a
baby that
didn't get
its
me some space,
with love"?
we all loved and accepted ourselves. Only now, as to show it or even admit it. We have learned that it
children,
are afraid
can be very risky to love ourselves that
see a
much
safer to hide
our
found that there are
in the
presence of other people and
self-love.
five
unconscious messages we receive
while growing up that can keep us from fully loving ourselves for the rest
of our
lives.
We were conditioned
not to love ourselves in five basic
ways. These messages are:
1. It's
not O.K. to appreciate yourself
2. It's
not O.K. to desire for yourself
3. It's
not O.K. to be yourself
4. It's
not O.K. to
5. It's
not O.K. to express yourself
make mistakes
10
Loving yourself can be very risky. 11
1. It's
O.K. To Appreciate Yourself
Ever since you were young, you were taught that
it is
not
OK
to
and appreciate yourself. You learned that to appreciate yourself is vanity and vanity is not good. You learned that to show how much you love
really love yourself
is
Imagine arriving
dangerous at a party
-
people will
criticize
you.
and someone walks up to you and
says:
you responded by agreeing with them: "I know, I look gorgeous tonight," they would probably walk away thinking you were really strange. In our society we learn that when you love yourself openly, others might accuse you of egotism and conceit, and
"Gee, you look great."
If
they will reject you.
and support, you learn to hide your of putting yourself down. Gradually, you begin to believe your own propaganda and your self-love gets repressed and forgotten. In an attempt to get love
self-love
and may even be
in the habit
12
You were probably taught that other people won't you if you like yourself too much.
like
13 tl
We
learn very early to feel guilty about our desires.
2. It's
O.K. To Desire For Yourself
While growing up, you learn very quickly that the world wasn't created for you alone and that you can't have whatever you want. You are
made
to feel selfish
and bad for wanting more than you have. In an
attempt to be good and lovable, you try to suppress your desires and as a result,
you may become
like a robot, acting
order to win their acceptance and love. guilty
out the desires of others in
You may even
about your dreams and wants, feeling they are
14
begin to
"selfish."
feel
3. It's
O.K. To Be Yourself
Children often get the message that in order to get love, they have to "earn" it or pay for it. You conclude that your worthiness is not
— your appearance, your actions, your
in yourself,
but in something else
success, or
your ability to do what
expected of you.
is
If you
experienced
love being turned on and off to you as a child, you probably decided that
your worth and goodness depends on your ability to please other people and do what makes them happy. Your self-esteem becomes something based on
how much you
please others by being "good".
While growing up, you probably learned that
had to pay for
it.
15
to get love
you
Because you are not perfect, you will feel unworthy of such approval and you will gradually learn to mistrust love.
4. It's
O.K. To
Make
Mistakes
Every child quickly catches on to the
reality of conditional love;
when we are right, we win and when we are wrong and make we lose love. At the other extreme
is
bestow him with unconditional
performed poorly or
felt
the child love.
mistakes,
whose parents attempted
to
Perhaps when you misbehaved or
badly, your parents ignored the problem or
mistakes, pretending everything was fine.
As
you unconyou never had an you know you are not perfect a result,
sciously sensed their disapproval or resentment but
opportunity to be forgiven. In both cases,
and you
feel
unworthy of approval when
it
is
given. You learn to
mistrust approval from others and fear their disapproval as well.
16
O.K. To Express Yourself
5. It's
The
result of
your need to please your parents and peers in order to
your spontaneous self-expression. You become preoccupied with becoming like other people and miss the opportunity to explore and express your own uniqueness. When you suppress your inner potential, you live with a sense of
get their love
is
that
you
lose
inner frustration and failure because you have buried yoiir potential for success.
One
part of you wants to express
itself,
but another part wants
love and acceptance and will sacrifice self-expression in order to get
it.
^
Some people
are afraid to succeed
potential.
17
and so they bury
their
If you cannot love yourself, then truly receive love from others.
To
Learning
you
lose
your
ability to
Trust Love
All of this conditioning to not be "yourself in order to get love has
an unfortunate
result:
others. If a part of
you
you
is
lose
your
hiding
ability to truly receive love
who you
from
really are, not expressing
yourself fully or trying to be like others, you cannot trust the love and
appreciation you get from the people you are trying so hard to please.
When
others express their love for you, a
sure, they wouldn't say that
if
little
they really
voice inside says: "Yeah,
knew me." You try hard to "real you" isn't coming out,
knowing all along that the prevents you from feeling good about whatever approval you
please others,
and this do receive.
In the following chapter,
we will explore the various ways you may
be hiding yourself.
18
Chapter 2
How
Are You Hiding Yourself?
The
result of your attempt to feel loved and to please others is that, most people, you have learned and adopted various behavioral strategies designed to get the approval and love you need. These stratelike
gies
become
like roles
you
play, or personality types
you
act out,
whether consciously or unconsciously. This chapter contains a of personality types you
list
may
of
some of the more common examples
be acting out.
yourself described in several or even
all
You might
also suggest a few hints for breaking out of these roles
express the real you that
is
notice a part of
of them. For each category,
and
I
starting to
buried inside. These hints are far from
complete. Later in this book,
HI
offer
you powerful and
techniques for loving yourself and others more.
19
practical
1.
The Performer
This person was given a a child. Performance
is
lot of love for performing and excelling as assumed condition for love and recognition. measure up to the expectations of others and
the
He is always trying to many times self-imposes even
pressured and driven to achieve and there tolerate
very
weakness or stupidity
in
I
is
himself or others and tends also to be
critical.
Oec^d
He always feels no time for rest. He cannot
higher expectations.
ines '
The Performer needs to relax more and discover that he can be loved even when he is not performing. Secretly, the
there
is
Performer
feels
he can never be good enough, since
always room for more growth. This type
may become
very
attached to people and positions, since a secret fear of rejection or
abandonment motivates
his behavior.
He generally feels responsible for
everything.
The Performer needs to relax more and discover that he can be when he is not performing. Take more vacations and read
loved even
romantic novels. Give yourself a break
worth
it.
21
— the high blood pressure
isn't
2.
The
Critic
about the
is
The
Critic
preoccupied with finding, pointing out and talking
faults of others.
He
rejoices in criticizing
and
belittling those
around him. He may hate part of himself, projecting that quality onto others and then becoming extremely critical and judgmental of them.
Whenever he
is
afraid of being judged, he
is
string of judgements, often sarcastic in nature. is
quick to retaliate with a
For him, the
best defense
a strong and critical offense.
The
Critic
is
obsessed with changing or even punishing others
subconscious attempt to change himself.
He
is
able to soothe his
in a
own
feeUngs of inadequacy by proving the shortcomings of others. If you have these traits, try to begin seeing yourself in all those that look for a you judge and criticize. Imagine yourself in their footsteps forgive them. Then forgive yourself and them which you are like in way for not being perfect. Just as you are good at finding reasons to
—
separate, try finding reasons to feel connected to others.
22
hate
my
OTio-therl
She was so KcHcful. never be
What
the Critic hates about himself, he will find
criticize in others.
23
and
3.
The Boaster
This person compensates for low self-esteem by always exaggerat-
and bragging. While growing up, he learned that to get attention he had to dramatize and enlarge the truth. The Boaster doesn't it happens automatically. Even if the real truth is worthy of plan to lie ing the truth
—
attention, he
must enlarge
it.
The Boaster has learned to and exaggerating the truth.
get attention by dramatizing
24
Deep
inside, the
love and attention.
Boaster
feels
He feels the
the recognition he needs in his
he
truth
is
is
not good enough to warrant
never enough for him to achieve
own eyes and
in the eyes of others, so
he
stretches the truth.
The Boaster can never trust the love of others, for deep inside he knows he is lying. The closer people get, the more secretive and defensive he becomes. And the more he boasts, the less he trusts the attention and appreciation he gets.
The Boaster must practice being accurate
and
learn that others will
The Boaster needs
still
in
what he says
love him.
to practice being very accurate in
what he
says.
He should find someone who truly does care for him and share with that and pretenses he can remember and see that he can be is. The Boaster must learn to trust again, both himself and others. He needs consistent and honest feedback. To be easy on him is not doing him any service. person
all
loved for
the
who
lies
he really
25
Whenever something bad happens
to a Victim,
you can be
sure their story gets a lot of mileage.
4.
The Victim
This person was generally hurt very deeply at a young age and got a lot of sympathy. it is
The Victim feels unworthy of love and support
preceded by a great mishap or tragedy, or at
Whenever something bad happens
least the telling
unless
of some
you can you are getting a lot of love, attention and sympathy by telling your Victim stories, watch out you are reinforcing a pattern of getting love through experiencing and past tragedy.
to the Victim,
bet that story gets a lot of mileage. If
—
communicating about pain and suffering. So if your stories get old and you want some love, presto! You will create a new dramatic tragedy.
You might even
use getting sick as a
26
way of
getting
more
love.
The Victim by making them
usually feels powerless in feel guilty.
He
so, quite subconsciously, others get
Victim and
life
and
tries to
control people
refuses to take responsibility for his
make him happy. The Victim must
resolve his stored-up, repressed anger
own He must
learn to develop his
personal power through taking responsibility for his
rgsponstbi
life,
sucked into trying to please the
life.
and practice forgiving
others.
lily
Victims must learn to develop their
by taking
power
responsibility,
expressing their anger
and then forgiveness.
27
The Nice Person is always doing what he '^should'' be doing and has lost touch with what he really wants. 5. This person
He makes tances.
is
The Nice Person
always good-tempered, cheerful and very agreeable.
a great friend and generally has a
The Nice Person learned
early in
lot
life
of friends and acquain-
that compliance brings a
He submits to every rule and regulation He is always doing what he "should" be
reward, a smile or an embrace. with mechanical precision.
doing, intent on pleasing others, saying "yes" to everyone.
The Nice Person never gets angry, but learns to accept and adapt to every
situation.
He
never rocks the boat.
28
On the surface, the Nice Person is happy and content to be a part of is empty and alone. He is very afraid of being do what he wants means risking disapproval. So, he has lost touch with what he really wants and who he really is. He has done everything right and according to the rules, but secretly feels controlled and cheated, lifeless and bored.
the group, but inside he himself, for to
—
he can never really open up because The Nice Person is trapped others would find out he is really not so nice. By being nice, he has successfully repressed his own special uniqueness and has become a
non-person.
The Nice Person needs
to practice saying
needs to learn to express his anger. nice person inside
they
may even
and
He must
"no" and meaning it. He risk showing the not-so-
see that not only will others
feel closer to
still
him because now he
The Nice Person needs meaning it.
is
love
more
him but that real.
to practice saying "no, "
29
and
The Self-righteous Person can never admit that he for
to confess his faults
6.
The
is
wrong,
could mean the loss of love.
Self-righteous Person
This person has learned that
he
if
and will consider him bad. In order all costs. He can never admit that he
is
wrong, people will not love him
to get love, is
he attempts to be right
wrong, for
to confess his faults
would mean the loss of love and would be very painful him. The Self-righteous Person often tries to make others wrong failures
30
at
and to in
order to be right himself. does.
He
argument with the like
he
is
The sorry,"
He
has a rational excuse for everything he
could even become a great teacher. But don't try to have an lecturing
Self- righteous
Person because
it
will
you on why you are wrong and he
Self- righteous
Person needs to
is
sound more right.
start practice saying:
"I'm
whenever he makes a mistake, even when he has a great excuse.
Rationalization and justification are favorite ways of avoiding feelings, especially the feeling of guilt. This person needs to learn that others will
love him, even
if
he
is
wrong or makes a mistake.
The Self-righteous Person should practice sorry, " whenever he makes a mistake. 31
saying:
*Tm
^ou
H
o.re
s^ri^cCiCtt o-f
U
c},r\d
you
cor^)/^ -io
a
life
destitution. V^a
V^
J
I
The Angry Person
bcxd^
feels ripped off
by
A,.^
life
and
is
^
constantly
trying to get even.
The Angry Person
7.
This person walks around with a chip on his shoulder. For him,
anger
is
Person
a protection;
feels
it
is
a roar to scare
an inner inadequacy and
To compensate
is
away
adversity.
The Angry
always trying to protect himself.
for that feeling of inadequacy, he refuses to be ade-
quately satisfied by the outer world. Nothing can please him. projects his bitter
own inadequacy
He
everywhere, hence feeling frustrated and
towards the world.
The Angry Person get even.
He
feels
ripped off by
gets angry at the
injustice he has ever experienced. failings of others
his
and
is
constantly trying to
He
delights in the shortcomings
and
and thus becomes overly competitive.
The Angry Person cover-up for
life
drop of a hat and remembers every
own
is
stuck in feelings of anger and blame as a
feelings of
inadequacy and hurt.
He must
learn
still deserves love even if he is inadequate in certain areas. Each day he should practice the Love Letter technique (taught later in this book) and forgiveness. Through loving and forgiving others, he will learn to truly love and forgive himself.
that he
32
The Fake
8.
many
This person has played so is
anymore. Behind every mask
ing to
He
is
how
others will receive him.
an expert
roles that he doesn't
another.
is
The Fake
at impressing others in
roles he thinks others
He is
know who he
always acting accord-
will
not risk controversy.
order to be liked.
want him to play and
He
in the process
plays the
becomes a
hypocrite and a fraud.
The Fake probably never growing up, so he decided that else,
whomever
felt
in
others wanted
him
trust anyone's love or appreciation,
fake and that others don't
appreciated for being himself while
order to get love, he had to be someone to be. Unfortunately, he can never
because deep inside he knows he
know who
The Fake has played so many sight of
who he
really
is;
he really
roles that often
behind every mask 33
is
is.
is
he loses another.
a
The Believer has become so dependent on others for
truth
that he loses touch with reality.
9.
The
Believer
This person has become so dependent on others for truth that he doesn't believe his love, he
a
common
his belief,
power and
He
own
feelings.
He
learned growing up that to receive
merely has to agree and believe what others tell him. belief,
then the Believer
you are
his
is
your
friend,
and
if
If you
enemy. The Believer loves to give away
responsibility to others
who can
disappoint the Believer's unrealistic expectations, he will
34
his
own
solve his problems for him.
expects you to love him because he agrees with you.
love and support.
have
you contradict
you withdraw his If
The and
Believer has never gotten over the fact that his parents were not
He
perfect.
always has high hopes, but
is
inevitably
let
down by
others,
will
continue to be until he starts to believe in himself.
The
own life and who have let him down. He should question all he and relate it to his own personal experience. The Believer needs to trust his own feelings, instincts and choices and look to
forgive
Believer must learn to take responsibility for his
all
believes,
to learn
the people
himself as the source of power and
The Believer needs relate
it
to his
wisdom
in his
to question all that
he believes and
own personal experience. 35
life.
The Shy Person's basic reaction little
to people
is
fear.
He
has
confidence that he will be loved,
10.
The Shy Person
This person's basic reaction to other people
is
fear.
He
fears their
him as a failure and he fears their the end. The Shy Person has little confidence that
criticism, he fears their evaluation of
inevitable rejection in
he
is
lovable to others.
him under
He
has been taught that people will only accept
certain conditions
fears rejection.
and
if
those conditions aren't present, he
He may be an incredible musician or performer on stage,
but offstage he becomes shy and insecure.
36
The Shy Person must
learn to take risks.
He
should practice
and then act it out, gradually building up more confidence in himself and dispelling his fear of others. He needs to come out more and learn to trust himself and others again. visualizing a risk
The Shy Person should visualize a risk and then and gradually build up more confidence. 31
act
it
out
-©:\
/
The Show-off believes
that
what he owns
will
make up for
what he fails to be himself
11.
The Show-off
The Show-off beheves what he does or possesses what he
fails to
be himself.
He
will
seeks to compensate for his
make up for own lack of
self-esteem by owning big things, hoping this will attract the attention and recognition he desperately needs. love,
and without
tries to
buy
it.
He
it,
is
To
the Show-off,
he fears he will lose love.
money
He cannot
is
the
symbol of
ask for love, but
unable to share his feelings directly, but does so by
giving or withholding presents and material possessions.
38
Unfortunately, the Show-off never feels worthy of the love he does receive, because he iaiows he is being loved for his achievements
He
possessions and not for being himself.
often
feels
and
used and
unappreciated.
The Show-off needs others to see
and relax he
is
who
he
to practice sharing his feelings
is inside.
his outer image.
He needs
Then he
to
work on
will learn that he
and allowing
his inner self-image
can be loved for
who
and not for what he has or what he does.
The Show-off needs
to practice sharing his feelings
allowing others to see
who he 39
is
inside.
and
The Loner
12. This person
is
always proving that he doesn't need others. At some
point while growing up, he didn't get the love and recognition he
wanted, so he decided he didn't need
become spirit
self-sufficient. Inside,
who
has been hurt too
to be detached
The Loner his needs. "I
from
it.
it
The Loner has learned
times.
needing so
He
has learned to "care
his
them would be too painful. love and thus he denies
needs clearly, he
satisfy his partner's needs, just as
less",
much
alone," he proudly proclaims.
in relationships.
to
an incredibly sensitive and caring
his feelings, for to feel
Because he doesn't express pointed and hurt
is
many
feels guilty for
can do
he
"I
don't need you."
is
continually disap-
He will also resent
feeling obligated to
he resents having his
own
needs.
To
the Loner, needs are a sign of weakness.
At some point, the Loner could not get the recognition and love he wanted and so decided he didn't need it. 40
The Loner needs
and wants. expectations and
to share his needs
reveal to others his secret
He
must
disappointments.
The
easiest choice for the
live alone.
The more he
retreat, thus
He
is
to just avoid relationships
more he
will separate
and and
pushing out the very love he needs so desperately.
The Loner must tears.
Loner
feels his needs, the
learn to share his needs
should reveal to others
all
and
to
show
his hurt
and
of his secret expectations and
disappointments. Whenever he starts to sulk and retreat, he should find
and share his feelings. The Loner needs to learn word and to find people in life who can fulfill his
someone he
cares about
that need
not a dirty
is
needs for love and appreciation.
41
O
D
The Sacrificer must learn to lighten up the heavy load he has placed on love and relationships. He needs to heal built-up repressed anger and resentment towards his parents and others and to forgive them for laying a "heavy guilt trip" on him. The Sacrificer needs to learn to give love freely without expecting equal sacrifice in return, and at the same time, he must remember not to give up his own needs and desires all the time.
The Sacrificer needs to lighten up the heavy load he has placed on love and relationships. 43
\^^of tKem
How
You At Hiding
Successful Are
Yourself? Let's see
how well you
score.
Give yourself points on a scale from
to 5 for each of the personality types a
'3'
perfectly.
To
rarely,
means
often,
and a
'5'
-
a
1
T means you play that role
means you
fit
the description
familiarize yourself with these types even further, imagine
your family and friends and see how they score. The more you can see these personality types in others, the better
them
in yourself.
44
you can see them and change
Chapter 3
What Happens It's
easy to
want love to get
In Relationships
But it's a lot harder to stay in love. We all We all want to live happily ever after. No one decides
fall in love.
to last.
married and says to their partner: "Hey, honey,
I've
been
and have a wonderful two or three years what do tired of each other and get divorced
thinking. Let's get married together. Then,
let's
get
you say?" or "Darling, years, then affairs love.
let's start
and then
But
it
split
—
let's live
together and have a great sex
fighting, feel resentful,
up."
No
one
happens, and when
it
falls in
love
happens,
46
it
life
for five
have some extramarital
and plans hurts.
to
fall
out of
No
one falls
in love
happens, and when
and plans it
does,
it
47
to fall out of love.
hurts.
But
it
What ends
The Norm?
Is
Approximately one out of every two marriages in the United States in divorce. Out of the couples who do remain married, it's certain
that a
good number are no longer
in love or
happy together, despite the
fact that they aren't officially divorced.
These
statistics are
not encouraging. Their real message to you
is
you plan to get married, you have a fifty-fifty chance of getting a you are reading this and are already married or just in a relationship with someone, the same unpleasant forecast applies to you.) You don't have to be a gambler to see that these are pretty terrible odds. You probably wouldn't invest your money in a business deal if you were told you had a fifty percent chance of losing it. Yet, like most that
if
divorce. (If
people, you continue to get involved in relationships without thinking
much about how to avoid joining the ranks of the fifty percent that don't make it. There's no
way
but you can at least
any relationship learn to preserve the love that you had.
to definately insure that
will last,
Let's take a closer look at the fifty percent of relationships that
"succeed." Stop right
couples do
would
I
like to
now and
ask yourself this question:
know whom I admire, whose have for myself?"
If you
"How many
relationship seems like one
are like most people,
you
will
I
have
coming up with many examples of "good relationships." Between forty and seventy percent of married couples aren't satisfied with their partners and have had outside affairs. One recent survey showed that the greater the household income, the more affairs the couples had. It's obvious from these statistics that money is not the solution to marital happiness. The American Dream of a house, two cars and a happy family has ended in divorce all too many times. a hard time
48
OOOO 11
\
c:>
nirrm
When you're not satisfied with your present partner, you may begin to fantasize about others. 49
o i
Some people relationship
Many
people
keep up the appearance of a loving really the love has died.
when
who
stick
it
out in relationships aren't even able to
look at their problems and admit to themselves and their partner that
They pretend to be happy when they are really numb. They must pretend because it would hurt too much to look at the truth. They are afraid to look at their problems because they don't have a solution. So they keep up the they aren't satisfied.
feeling resentful, sad or
appearance of a relationship while
all
the time they are dying inside.
Sometimes the loneliest place in the world is lying next to someone who doesn't love you anymore or someone you have stopped loving. How many times have you felt surprised when you heard friends of yours were getting a divorce or great, but the love
splitting
up?
was dead.
50
On the surface everything looked
What Are The Options? Most people don't know how to solve their problems with love and and end up approaching those problems in one of several
relationships,
ways.
The
first
option, of course,
that they will go away.
is
to just ignore the
Another method
problems and hope
problem and tell no such thing as the "perfect" relationship, and to expect more is immature and unrealistic. You can also try blaming it all on your partner. You may even leave that partner and find another, only to find yourself facing the same problems all over again. Some people go from partner to partner, trying to avoid conflict and yourself that there
problems.
And
give
to justify the
is
others decide that
who
it
is
less
scary to stay stuck in a
and they just give up. If you are one I hope that reading this book will your problems and begin solving them,
relationship than to risk leaving
of these people
is
it,
has just given up,
you the courage
to look at
rather than accepting a
life
One of the ways we
devoid of love.
deal with our problems
them on other people. 51
is
to
blame
-i-rarfeo^f of pqss»c»^
for Sccarify.
fVoo->^
Contrary to popular belief, relationships do not have to be doomed to mediocrity and boredom.
Have you ever
felt:
"I love
my
partner, but I'm
no longer
in love
*?'
Unfortunately, the typical response to this complaint by family, friends
and even many psychologists romantic love can't
last.
"Don't be immature. Face the
is:
It's
facts
—
a tradeoff; you sacrifice passion for
security." Contrary to popular belief,
Relationships do not have to be
doomed
love
and romance can last. and boredom.
to mediocrity
That flame of love and excitement that you shared remain burning and can even burn brighter.
52
in the
beginning can
Think back to a time when you saw a couple other's presence, looking very
really enjoying
each
much in love. You probably assumed that
they had just met or that they were having an affair. This negative
conditioning about love lasting
is
very deeply ingrained in us from an
early age.
Some people
are outraged
when they
love.
53
see
two people
in
Who
Taught You
How To
Love?
You may not enjoy reading this next line, but you learned how to love and have relationships by watching your parents when you grew Most of
six, and you you saw your parents lying to one another, you learned to lie. If you saw them hiding their true feelings, you learned to hide yours. If you saw them punish each other,
up.
may
this
"education" occurred before the age of
be very unconscious of its influence on you.
If
you learned to punish and withhold your love. Long before you had your first real intimate relationship, you were thoroughly trained and conditioned, and unfortunately most of that conditioning taught you more about how not to love and communicate than about how to love and effectively communicate your feelings.
Would you just like
like to
have a relationship
your parent's relationship?
54
Long
before
you had your first
intimate relationship,
were thoroughly trained and conditioned.
55
you
In order to start making love work, admit to yourself that you
need
to learn
more about
it.
Relearning Love you want a relationship that is better than the one your parents you want love to work for you, you have to work at it. Start by admitting to yourself that you need to learn how to make love work and that from looking around at everyone you know, you are not alone. Let go of your pride and feel the need you have deep inside for more intimacy, appreciation and love. The easiest way to learn is to pretend that you don't know anything about love. Try adopting beginner's awareness as you take this next step. Enriching your relationships is an art and a science, just like building a bridge, making a meal, or playing an instrument. It takes skill and practice and daily application of those skills. Like all arts and sciences, enriching your relationship will seem like a mystery, like something impossible to comprehend until you have worked with it If
had,
if
long enough to master
my
it.
Then
it
will
be second nature.
Enriching your relationship can be learned. Already in seminars I have taught thousands of people to do so. Read on w ith
an open mind and a willingness to practice mastering love
56
.
Enriching Relationships Everyone
is
always trying to enrich their relationships either
consciously or unconsciously. like
they don't care, you
No
matter
how much someone may
can bet that underneath their defensive
act
armor is
a gentle spirit that wants to love and be loved. Behind every motive and
action
is
the desire to be loved
and appreciated and a longing
to share
ourselves with others.
Behind every scary front love and be loved.
is
a gentle spirit that wants to
57
People are frustrated trying to make relationships work because they have not learned a successful method.
If
why
everyone
are so
Why
is
many
are there so
trying to be
more
loving and kind to one another,
marriages breaking up and families being torn apart?
many
lonely people in the world?
Why
do people
continue to hurt one another?
Talking about love and having good intentions are just not enough.
who had problems in their most cases there was really nothing wrong with the people who came to me for counseling. However, there was something wrong with the methods they were using in trying to enrich their relationships. Most people start out attempting to work on After
many
relationship,
years of counseling couples I
came to
realize that in
58
their relationships
and end up frustrated and hopeless. In many
because they have not learned effective communication they try to
'fix'
their relationship, the
worse
it
gets.
skills,
As a
the
cases,
more
result, the
problems get ignored and accumulate over time. People unnecesarily accept the state of their relationships because they have no workable solution; they have
no choice but
to accept or try again with
somebody
new.
LOKa+ do ^ou
wiearN 3!dlo/\-V
>
+^ar>Vc
vow^
\f\
gci
The HurtSaolnesv
Effect Fe(>r^In5ecv>r'i+y
Guilt /'inn sorry Our emotions
we generally show only the rest remain submerged.
are like an iceberg;
a small fraction
and
The Iceberg The
first
Effect
step in telling the complete truth in your
Most of us
life is
knowing
unaware of the complete truth; this you came upon an iceberg ninefloating in the Arctic Ocean, you would only see one-tenth of it tenths of the ice block remains submerged beneath the surface. Your emotions are similar to that iceberg. Most of the time, just a fraction of how you really feel shows to others and even to your conscious mind, while the majority of your emotions lie hidden deep inside of you. Thus, it becomes difficult to communicate the complete truth about your what
it
is.
phenomenon
is
are
called the Iceberg Effect. If
—
feelings because they
remain a mystery even to you.
66
Living In Your Heart And Not In Your Head mechanism you've developed over the years. Unable to cope with and express the truth about your emotions, you learn to hide those feelings deep inside and hope that they just go away. Through years of rejecting and-suppressing your feelings, you start to acquire the unfortunate and unhealthy habit Repressing your feelings
actually a safety
is
of automatically repressing any unsafe, unacceptable or confusing
You
emotions.
threaten your
learn only to express those feelings that won't disturb or
or others, thereby insuring safety and acceptance.
life
You become a stranger to your own feelings. You your head what to
from your
heart.
.^
I
\*4
SA
feel,
^
rather than simply
n
*
Super
begin to figure out in
and spontaneously i
i
feeling
^
/
fV\arke-V
I
I
£l r^mSmi
X
SVsoold
%^
1 \o^
be avNjyy or
hafpy
+Vvft'\
sKouM
tW^y
dlir!^
/>
m
o
fi
As
a result of repression, you stop feeling and start figuring out how you should feel. 67
'«>WWKiHi
Recovering buried emotions motivated and purposeful.
What Are You Locating buried emotions
is
is
•
essential for feeling
Really Feeling? absolutely essential to your growth
because to the extent that you suppress and bury your feelings, you lose contact with
who you
are
and what you
will
really want.
my
years of researching human emotions, I have discovered a map of feelings to help you understand the maze of your emotions. When you are upset or unable to emotionally cope with a In
universal
given situation, you are subconsciously experiencing various levels of feelings at the
same
time.
68
The
levels are: 1
Anger, Blame and Resentment
2.
Hurt, Sadness and Disappointment
3.
Fear and Insecurity
4. Guilt, 5.
Remorse and Regret
Love, Understanding, Forgiveness and Desire
Vofl'i
"iovA
toe So \rra-\')6r\a\.
are ei^l^^r
The complete truth has many different levels. It is perfectly normal to have many conflicting emotions same time. 69
Ckvs^ry^
at the
r^rnrso off. I
-f
«
I
^ud
\{ou ujere C)one- Xi>jc4^ 1'»v,
sorry
tf^d vc>M.
T
i
J^rgof really
for ^,uc
Iol^c
yoq
.,
5>' /ii//v expressing all your negative emotions,
you can spontaneously experience your love and understanding.
The complete truth about how you are Normally you are only aware of one emotion all
there as well. If
all
feeling has
many
levels.
at a time, but the rest are
of these levels can be fully experienced and
expressed, the emotional upsets can be easily resolved. Each emotion
must be
fully
of the process
experienced and expressed for the successful completion
—
if
not, the feelings
around any upset
will
never be fully
resolved and will most likely be repressed inside of you, creating
more
emotional baggage for you to carry around from relationship to relationship.
By
fully expressing all
of the negative emotions, you can spontane-
ously experience your love and understanding again.
Most communication problems stem from only communicating and not expressing the complete truth. Often when
part of the truth,
people
tell
the truth, they leave out
many
of the feelings they are having
and focus on one of the above levels, excluding the others. Underneath underneath all anger and all negative emotions are positive emotions hurt is a feeling of love and a willingness to connect and be close. The
—
70
people
who make you the most angry are the people you care about the
When
most.
something someone does
love that person, the
problem
arises
interferes with
your
ability to
four levels of emotion will be activated.
The when you communicate the anger or hurt and neglect to first
express the complete truth about the love underneath.
Underneath tion.
all
The only way
negative emotions
is
to uncover that love
love and the desire for connec-
is
to experience
and express
all
those other emotions piled up on top. Failure to feel and express feelings prevents us
all our from tapping into the vast emotional resources of
love and confidence within our hearts.
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When Wilma pushes down her anger, Fred feels it and becomes angry. What you suppress, your partner may express. 119
When we push down This
is
what we The
See-Saw
principle of the
What you
What your
is
in
our partner.
Effect.
See-Saw
Effect
may
is:
express.
of course, the reverse:
partner suppresses, you
This principle really affect
comes up
suppress, your partner
And
your emotions
afeeiingyit
call the
may
express.
the physics of relationships, explaining
how
your partner's and how your partner's emotions
affect yours. In the case
we just saw, Wilma was suppressing her anger
and Fred began expressing
it.
120
how the See-Saw Effect works with another level of emotion and insecurity. Fred starts to become afraid. Maybe he is working on a new book and is afraid it won't turn out the way he wants. Here's
—
fear
Trying to remain cool and collected by suppressing his own fears, Fred is unknowingly fueling the fires of Wilma's fear.
121
Maybe
he
is
expanding
his business
and
is
afraid of the financial risks.
But Fred was taught while growing up that as a
and confident.
Men
certainly don't ever
don't get afraid
man
he should be strong
— they just forge ahead. And they
show anyone they
are afraid. So, what does Fred
with that emotion of fear? That's right, he suppresses
pushing
it
down
it,
do
unconsciously
in his tank.
The more Fred pushes down his fear, the more it goes over onto Wilma's side. All of a sudden, Wilma starts to feel insecure, fearful and panicky. She will probably start to express her fears and as Fred hears
more and say: "Honey, there's nothing to worry about. Calm down." As Fred gets more and more detached and unfeeling, Wilma will feel her fears intensify until she becomes quite panicky and almost hysterical with worry. Fred her express her fear, he will resist her even
suppresses his fears and
Wilma
This becomes a vicious
Wilma becomes,
the
by suppressing his
circle,
more Fred
own
expresses them.
fears.
because the more afraid and nervous
tries to
Fred
is
Wilma's hysteria by trying to remain
remain cool, calm and collected
unknowingly fueling the
can't understand
why
of
in control.
Why Women May Seem I've seen this pattern
fire
Overemotional
happen over and over again with women who become so insecure and hysterical around
they
the men they love and men who can't understand why otherwise logical and strong women seem to fall apart around them. The answer is the See-Saw Effect. The men are following their conditioning to not show feelings of fear and the women end up expressing all the men's suppressed fearful emotion. The extreme case of this is the controlling, even-tempered husband, never expressing any emotion that could be taken for weakness or self-doubt, driving the wife into overemotionalism and hysteria, then making the woman feel inferior and mentally ill by constantly pointing out how emotional she is becoming. Many women literally end up in mental institutions when this happens to them over a long period of time. And of course, there are cases of the reverse: women controlling themselves and the men
exploding with
feelings.
122
Even-tempered men can
easily drive
hysteria.
123
women
into
Why Women May Become Let's take
"need".
one more example of the See-Saw
Fred and Wilma
starts to feel his if
fall in love
and
"Needy" Effect: the
as they
become
emotion of
closer,
Fred
need for Wilma. But that feeling frightens him, because
he needs her, he could lose her. So Fred pushes
down
his feelings of
need, telling himself he doesn't want to get too close or committed.
What happens
to his need
when he pushes
it
down? Right
to Wilma's side of the tank, adding to her
blowing them out of proportion. Wilma called "needy".
own
—
it
goes over
feelings of need
starts to feel
what
is
and
commonly
She becomes very afraid of losing Fred and she feels commitment from him; she feels weak in his presence.
desperate to get a
The more Fred suppresses
When
Fred sees her feeling needy, he
he resists his will get in
own
more needy Wilma feels. naturally resist her. The more
his needs, the will
needs being mirrored back to him, the stronger they
Wilma.
This phenomenon is very common in intimate relationships. Some men go from one woman to another, wondering why they all become so needy around them. What they don't realize is that each woman is reflecting the man's own needs back to him, needs he is afraid to look at
and
feel.
124
Some people go from one partner why
they all
become so
''needy"
125
to another,
and
insecure.
wondering
How Does anger
—
all this
it's
secretary,
The See-Saw Effect Blows Your Feelings Out Of Proportion
it
mean that every time you
your husband's? Or, is
really she
who
if is
feel
angry,
it
isn't really
you walk into work and angry? Not at
all.
yell at
Don't use
information to prove that you are right and someone else
is
your your this
wrong.
See-Saw Effect a little more closely. Wilma and Fred go to a restaurant and wait a half an hour to be served. Let's say they each feel a little annoyed and angry 10% angry, for instance. But Fred's conditioning tells him it is not OK to be angry, especially about small things, so he pushes it down. The See-Saw Effect takes over, and now Wilma is feeling 20% angry and annoyed. Fred notices her feeling angry and tries to calm her down. The more he pushes down his feelings, the more her feelings will intensify. She was angr>' also it's not all Fred's anger she is expressing, but now her anger and annoyance in the Let's look at the
—
—
restaurant will be
way out
of proportion.
126
By
being nice and suppressing your annoyance, your
partner's annoyance will intensify.
127
Mirror, Mirror
On The
Wall
You may be starting to understand why you sometimes feel crazy relationships.
Have you
in
ever noticed that you try to do everything to
calm your partner down and he or she just gets more and more upset? is probably expressing an emotion that you are suppressing. People close to you will act like mirrors, reflecting back
That's because your partner
you a perfect image of yourself, including the parts of yourself you would rather not look at or deal with. So, if you are suppressing your fears, your partner may continue to pester you with her fears and worries, as if to hold a mirror up to you and say: "Hey, take a look at some of the feelings you are pushing down." to
So, something else important to realize
You If
will resist in
Fred
is
is:
your partner what you suppress
in yourself.
suppressing his anger, not wanting to deal with
goes over into Wilma's tank, she will her anger, what
is
start to get angry.
resist seeing in
is
it
He will try and suppress her Wilma what he is pushing down in
himself. Trying to change your partner's emotions or talk
you don't want
and
he sees
his natural reaction?
anger also. Fred will
feeling a feeling
it,
When
a sure sign that they are mirroring to
them out of
you an emotion
to feel in yourself.
If you are resisting your partner's emotions, it's probably because you are resisting those same emotions within yourself.
128
You
will resist in
your partner what you suppress
yourself.
129
in
When one parent suppresses negative emotions, may uncontrollably express those emotions.
The See-Saw
Effect
And Your
the other
Parents
Think back to your childhood. Did you have one parent who was "good guy", the nice parent, the one w ho seemed to be the victim of the other, and one parent who was the "bad guy", the one who got angry, yelled, did the disciplining? Now that you understand the SeeSaw Effect, think again perhaps your nice parent was suppressing so much anger and resentment that the other parent had to constantly express it in order to try and dissolve some of the tension. When one parent pushes down negative emotions in himself or herself, the other the
—
parent will inevitably express those emotions.
130
Kids The See-Saw children.
We
And The See-Saw
Effect occurs quite dramatically in families with
can redefine the principle and say:
What you
Many
Effect
suppress, your children
may
express.
parents think they should hide their feelings from their
children in order to protect or shelter them.
I
feel this couldn't
be farther
from the truth. Your children will pick up your feelings anyway, whether you choose to express them consciously or not, and the kids will only feel confused by the mixed messages and may even start feeling that they are responsible for making you unhappy.
What you
suppress,
your children may 131
express.
parent
If a
is
suppressing anger and hostility towards his spouse,
for instance, the children will express
it
and
rebellious behavior and temper tantrums.
If
sadness and hurt, the children will cry more. his feelings of fear
more
and
act
it
out through angry,
a parent If a
insecurity, the children
is
suppressing his
pushing down may whine and become parent
is
fearful.
This
is
why
it's
essential to
work together
as a family solving the
family problems. There's no such thing as one person having a problem that
is
theirs alone
when
that person lives with others.
The Multiple Tank
Effect
what happens when there are more than just two people in a relationship. Fred is married to Wilma. What Fred doesn't know is that Wilma is having an affair with Barney. So now, we Let's take a look at
have three tanks connected. Barney
is
So
also married to Betty.
there
are four tanks, four sets of emotions involved.
One
day, Betty feels sad because she feels Barney pulling away, but
she suppresses her feelings since she wants to be a good wife. suppresses, Barney starts to
feel,
but he
so he suppresses his feelings too.
What
is
a
man
(
a cave
he suppresses,
What
man
she
to boot!)
Wilma starts to of it down and it
She adds her own suppressed sadness, pushes all passes on to Fred. One morning, Fred wakes up feeling very sad and depressed, and he doesn't even know Betty, who started it all in the first feel.
place.
Multiple relationships can get extremely complicated.
enough
to balance the emotional energies
three or four. This
is
between two people,
It's
hard
let
alone
one of the problems with open relationships and
affairs — they confuse the emotional balance between partners.
132
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