What You Feel, You Can Heal: A Guide for Enriching Relationships [Paperback ed.] 0931269016, 9780931269011

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What You Feel, You Can Heal: A Guide for Enriching Relationships [Paperback ed.]
 0931269016, 9780931269011

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Gray gives us profound insights into the emotional dynamics of intimate relationships and how to deal with them in a loving way." "Dr.

— Hedrick Smith New York Times

A Guide for Enriching Relationships

John Gray, Ph.D. New York Times Bestseller MEN Are From Mars, women Are from Venus Author of the #1

^*

Digitized by tine Internet Archive in

2010

littp://www.archive.org/details/wliatyoufeelyoucaOOgray

WHAT YOU FEEL

A Guide for Enriching Relationships

John Gray, Ph.D. m^ HEART ^W MiU

Publishing

VaUey, California

7>

those sfronii people

\Hlin}> to feel

who are

and open

learts, creating

their

a better world for

IS all.

Copyright

© 1984 by John

Gray, Ph.D.

Copyright© 1994 by John Gray, Ph.D.

ntroduction

No part of this book may be reproduced any form or by any means, electronic or nechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any iformational storage and retrieval system, without ^11

)r

rights reserved.

transmitted

)ermission -ibrary of

in

in

writing from the publisher.

Congress Catalog Card No. 84-82045

ieart Publishing

Company

>uiteA-130 !0

Sunnyside Ave.

m\

Valley,

CA 94941

SBN

0-931269-01-6 (Paperback) )esigned by Robert Herstek ^over designed by David Charlsen 'rinted in the United States of

America

Foreword We

all

need to love and be loved, yet

fulfilling this

primary need can

be one of life's greatest challenges. Creating loving and lasting relationships is

a necessity

if

we

are to maintain psychological health. But finding and

more than just good

sustaining loving relationships takes

practice and a

skill,

To tions

truly give

commitment

intentions,

and receive love we must learn

is

learning to love yourself.

and receive love

Unconditional love

not just an

will is

As you grow

in self love,

your

ability

grow automatically.

when our hearts are full and overflowwhen we are feeling positive and loved when we are feeling negative and unloved.

realized

easy to love unconditionally

by others.

It

becomes

At such times, when

we must

is

something we can realize through practice. The secret to develop-

ing this skill

ing. It is

takes

to give without expecta-

and receive without demanding. This unconditional love

ideal but

to give

it

to growing.

it

difficult is

difficult to receive love

and support from outside

Then when we are feeling good about ourselves, it is not only easier to give but it becomes easier to communicate and negotiate the fulfillment of our own needs and wants. We become like a

turn inside and give to ourselves.

magnet which

emotions from the past

Through learning

more Can Heal

attracts

IVhat You Feel, You

restrict

to feel

support. clearly

shows how unresolved negative

our ability to love ourselves as well as others.

and express our hidden feelings we can begin

love and accept parts of us that

were

lost in the past.

to

We need not be prisoners

who we truly we deserve. This book inspires

of our past but can set ourselves free to share the richness of are and receive the support and recognition that

us to be kinder to ourselves and to create loving and lasting relationships. In this simple and useful book, you will learn practical techniques to

enrich your relationships with greater love, communication and cooperation.

Most of all, however, you

love of

will learn to love yourself which

is

the greatest

all.

Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D.

Author of Lifemates

Acknowledgements With deepest gratitude Bonnie Gray,

my

wish

I

to thank:

wife and panner, for her

loving and devoted support which inspires

me

to ever-increasing heights;

Barbara DeAngelis, whose loving presence and

editorial expertise assisted

me

greatly in

the writing of this book;

Tamira Langton, belief in

me and

for her continuous love and all that

I've written

on the

following pages;

Linda Lawson, for her understanding and implementation of these techniques as

HEART Counseling Center;

Director of the

my

Merril Jacobs, for her loving support of

and her insightful proofreading

artistic ability

of

this manuscript;

Helen Drake,

for her sensitive editorial

efforts;

Robert Herstek, for his dedication,

commitment and amazing and publishing

this

skill in

assembling

book;

Bob Hoffman and Connie

Berens, for their

diligent and generous efforts in producing this

book;

All the thousands of graduates of

seminars for practicing the

my

HEART

techniques and proving their practical validity and giving

develop the

and especially I

me

HEART

the confidence to

Model;

to Virginia

Gray,

my

mother



love you. J.G.

Introduction What You

You Can Heal was

Feel,

released fourteen years ago and

first

since that time thousands of relationships have been dramatically improved

and enriched. Repeatedly

I

have received

letters

and

calls

from people who

say their marriages have been saved or their relationship with their parents or children has been dramatically healed. Therapists, marriage counselors

and teachers commonly recommend

word of mouth have made

general

The

practical insights, tools

Feel, You

Can Heal change

ful for years to

These kinds of testimonials and

book an ongoing best

and techniques presented

lives in a matter

book you

this

and intimacy but also how

lasting love all

come. In

it.

this

seller.

What You

in

of days and continue to be use-

how

will not only learn

to love yourself

to ensure

more and improve

your relationships.

So many times

in relationships

great hope. Gradually

we

start

out loving our partners with

however the passion declines and we

either lose

we simply become numb. Although we do

touch with our good feelings or

not want to end our relationships, there seems to be no choice.

how to heal feelings, new partner to feel alive

Fortunately, however, through understanding there again.

a solution.

is

Love

Throughout

that this

It is

is

not necessary to find a

"lost"

book you

generally just buried.

is

will discover practical

ways

can be found.

It

your feelings

to find

and experience love again.

The

intention to be loving

is

not enough;

strategies for dealing with our feelings.

ships

is

it

is

necessary to learn

The challenge of

new

all

our relafion-

to stay in touch with our loving feelings without

denying the

painful or difficult feelings that arise from time to time.

Since writing What You Feel, You

unique ways

we

men and women

feel

Can Heal

and express

speak different languages and react as

This understanding

I

cover in

from Venus. Yet even with

this

my

book,

have also discovered the

their feelings. In

we

are

from

Men Are from

understanding there are

the basis of finding resolution and skillfully

if

I

making peace with

many ways

different planets.

Mars,

Women Are

conflicts,

still

the other sex

and is

to

transform negafive feelings into positive ones.

Many men have about them while

a tendency to cope with feelings by

many women

prefer to talk aloud to sort

first

them

thinking out.

This

fundamental conflict can be resolved using the Love Letter Technique described in Chapter

8. It is particularly

helpful for

women

to get in touch

with their feelings

and there

talk

when

those times

at

no one else

is

their

male partner

When

to talk to.

a

woman

is

not wanting to

has to wail a long

time to talk about her feelings, a frustration builds up, and then when she

does

talk,

she

so upset that he can't listen without feeling blamed, mis-

is

(Men may also react this way as well.) recommend that men use the Love Letter Technique

trusted or attacked. 1

when

feeling their loving feelings.

I

personally use this technique whenever

my

resentful or annoyed about anything. After exploring

am

for those times

thinking about what's bothering them doesn't bring them back to

them

able to talk about

1

feel

feelings, then

I

more centered and relaxed manner.

in a

Feelings are very powerful. They can bring us closer and create

inti-

macy or they can be hurtful and push our partners even further away.

It is

we

important that

them

in a

way

"dump"

don't

feelings on our partners but learn to share

useful to write out your feelings for your

away, while

at

your partner

For

that doesn't offend or hurt.

own

other times sharing your letters

blamed or

will feel

hurt, then

it

this reason,

sometimes

may be is

helpful. If

good

to

it

is

them

benefit and then throw

you sense

keep your

letters

private.

Love Letter Technique described

In addition to the

gest that after writing out what

could hear you, then write a like to hear in response.

Throughout and

feelings.

No

This

little

to tell

Chapter

in

to yourself saying

1

sug-

if

they

8,

your partner

what you would

addition has tremendous benefits.

will gain insight to

master your emotions

longer will you be controlled by them or disconnected

from them. Most of uine reactions to

back

letter

book you

this

you would want

all

life

you

will learn the

and how

to heal

importance of feeling your gen-

and release the binding influence of

any negative experiences. The hurts of your past need not hold you back.

Through opening up

to

your feelings

in a

systematic way, you will truly

experience that what you feel you can heal. I

hope

this

greater love,

book

will inspire

you

to enrich all

your relationships with

communication and cooperation and provide you with greater

fulfillment and peace.

You deserve

it.

John Gray, Ph.D. January

1,

1994

Table Chapter

1



Of Contents

Love: The Central Need

1

What Happens When You Love Yourself Where It all Began

Chapter 2



O.K. To Appreciate Yourself

12

It's

O.K. To Desire For Yourself

14

It's

O.K. To Be Yourself

15

It's

O.K. To Make Mistakes

16

It's

O.K. To Express Yourself

17

Learning to Trust Love

1

How Are You Hiding Yourself?

19

1

3.

4. 5.

6. 7. 8.

9.

10.

11. 12. 13.

The The The The The The The The The The The The The

How

Chapter 4





10

It's

2.

Chapter 3

6 *

8

Performer

20

Critic

22

Boaster

24

Victim

26

Nice Person

28

Self-righteous Person

30

Angry Person

32

Fake

33

Believer

34

Shy Person Show-off

36

Loner

40 42 44

38

Sacrificer

Successful Are

What Happens

You At Hiding?

In Relationships?

46

What Is The Norm? What Are The Options? Who Taught You How To Love?

48

Releaming Love

56

Enriching Relationships

57

The

63

5

54

Essential Key: Telling the Complete Truth

The Iceberg

66

Effect

Living In Your Heart

What Are You

And Not

Really Feeling?

In

Your Head

67

68

Chapter 5



What Happens When You Dont The Four

The Warning Signs



The Truth?

R's

80 82

2.

Resentment

83

3.

Rejection

84

4.

Repression

86

The Reasons You Repress Your Feelings

92

Feelings Never Die

94

Your Friends

Feelings Are

104

Healing Repressed Feelings

106

Healing The Past With Therapy

109

What You Can

1

10

1

1

1

12

Sharing

Feel

You Can Heal

Not Easy

Is

Using Tact

Chapter 7



What Makes

Relationships So Crazy

114

Your Emotional Connections

116 118

See-Saw

Effect

Out Of Proportion On The Wall The See-Saw Effect And Your Parents Kids And The See-Saw Effect The Multiple Tank Effect Breaking The Connection How To Recognize The See-Saw Effect What You Can Do About The See-Saw

2.

128 130 131

132

134 135 Effect

136 137

The Duplication Technique How Duplication Works

138

How To Practice Duplication A Sample Of Duplication

141

139

143

The Anger Process

When And How To 3.

124

126

The Heart Techniques 1.

122

Blows Your Feelings

Mirror, Mirror



I

What You Suppress Your Partner May Express Why Women May Seem Overemotional Why Women May Become Needy

How The

Chapter 8

Ih

Resistance

1.

Chapter 6

Tell

The Love The Love

How To

152 Practice

Letter Technique

Letter

Write

Format

A Love

Letter

The Anger Process

157 158

160 162

What To Do When YouVe Written To Your Partner

A

Love Letter

Rules For Reading Love Letters

Writing

A Love

Letter

165

166

To Someone Other Than

Your Partner

166

What To Do When Your Partner Won't Read Your Love Letter Or Write One 168 What To Do When You Are Finished Reading Your

Letters

What To Do In An Emotional Emergency Hints To Make Writing Your First Few Love Letters Easier

169

170

171

Helpful Tips For Writing Love Letters

172

Sample Love Letters • Jo Anne's Love Letter To Her Boyfriend • Bonnie's Letter To Her Father • Children's Love Letters Writing A Love Letter To Yourself

178

180 181

182 183

Chapter 9



Love

Not Enough

185

Chapter 10



Asking For What You Want

192

Chapter 11



Love Doesn't Mean Being Nice All The Time

200

Chapter 12



Breaking

Up With Love

206

Chapter 13



The

Of Love

210

Is

Gift

Pi^

^3(5C3.j^«^ '^VW^

Without Love,

all else will fail

Chapter

1

Love: The Central Need As human

beings,

we

are incredibly complex with an endless

stream of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs that must be satisfied.

Frustration at any of these levels can produce suffering to the

whole being. There

is

one need so fundamental and essential that, when

not met, causes everything else to

need

is

the need for love

fail

or

fall

short of fulfillment. That

— love of others and love of yourself.

The major cause of human

and frustration

dissatisfaction

absence of love. This fundamental

human need outweighs

all

is

the

others.

a genuine sense of fulfillment.

It is

the

foundation of security upon which you can build a successful

life.

No

Without love you can never

feel

matter what you possess, you cannot fully enjoy

it

yourself and sharing with people you care about.

you accomplish or acquire

in life,

it

unless you are loving

No

matter

how much

cannot supersede your basic need

for love.

In essence,

what I'm saying is that your biggest problem is your your need for love and that because of it, you end up

inability to satisfy

creating

all sorts

of other problems.

That need for love begins with your need to love yourself. When you are not able to love yourself, it becomes very difficult for others to love you. Self-love is essential if you are to receive the love you want and deserve.

The need for Love outweighs

all

of our other pursuits.

Every person has special

qualities that

make them

unique.

Every one of us is born with a unique and special value. There is no one who can be a better you. You have a special place in this universe and a part of growing up is discovering your own niche finding out what you have to offer, what you are here to do, and then



doing

it.

This discovery will bring you deep fulfillment and enliven the

core of your being.

masking who you the way you are.

The only way to accomplish this task is to stop and to begin accepting and loving yourself

really are

is

You

louc,sw€e+ love..

book if you didn't love yourself. A enough to say: "I do deserve more love Maybe this book will help." At least you

wouldn't be reading

part of you does love yourself

and I'm determined to get it. haven't given up on yourself.

this

Consider

Q:

this line

Why

of questioning:

do you

get upset

when

people don't appreciate you? feel you deserve to be appreciated.

A: Because you

Q: Why do you dress in nice clothes? A: Because you want people to like you. Q: Why do you want people to love you? A: Because you feel you deserve it.

Deep down

you want love, appreciation and acceptance from people because you feel you do deserve it. But you, like most people, have probably lost touch with that feeling of self-love that you had when you were a small child. inside,

What Happens When You Love When you

Yourself

love yourself in the presence of others, you are able to

The more The more you come out, the easier it is for people to appreciate the real you and not the image you project or the mask you wear. The more people appreciate and love you, the more you can love yourself. It is a cycle of increasing love and true self-expression. express your inner gifts and talents without fear or restriction.

you love

yourself, the

more you

are able to

come

out.

more I express myself more People can love me more I love myself more I

love myself

etc.

When you don't love yourself and you mask your real self, the cycle works

of decreasing love and true

in the opposite direction

expression.

I

I

express

love

my

my

real self less

real self less (I

People can love I

love

my

my

wear a mask)

real self less

real self less etc.

self-

When you others

start loving yourself

more of your inner to love you more.

express

more, you are able to and talents and allow

gifts

Loving yourself gives you the

The world

we

is

like

ability to love others.

a mirror showing us a reflection of

are.

8

who

Loving yourself more gives you the ability to love and appreciate more as well. The world becomes a different place. For each of us

others

the world

is

like

a big mirror, showing us a reflection of who

we are.

We

each see the world through different-colored glasses, determined by the

way we

feel

about ourselves.

People who hate the world hate themselves.

People

when you

who

are disapproving of others,

you see and first

Much

hate the world hate themselves.

dislike.

Leaming

it

is

of the time,

really a part of yourself that

to love yourself

and

to

step in leaming to accept, value and love others,

be yourself

is

the

and enriching your

relationships.

To

start

your journey towards loving yourself again,

look at where

it

all

began

.

.

let's

take a

Where You were born

All

It

with an infinite supply of self-love. Self-love

quality naturally instilled in every baby. didn't

Began Did you ever

want love and attention, and make a big fuss when

quota? Can you even imagine a baby complaining "Give you're smothering

As adults,

little

we

me

it

is

I've

it

is

a

baby that

didn't get

its

me some space,

with love"?

we all loved and accepted ourselves. Only now, as to show it or even admit it. We have learned that it

children,

are afraid

can be very risky to love ourselves that

see a

much

safer to hide

our

found that there are

in the

presence of other people and

self-love.

five

unconscious messages we receive

while growing up that can keep us from fully loving ourselves for the rest

of our

lives.

We were conditioned

not to love ourselves in five basic

ways. These messages are:

1. It's

not O.K. to appreciate yourself

2. It's

not O.K. to desire for yourself

3. It's

not O.K. to be yourself

4. It's

not O.K. to

5. It's

not O.K. to express yourself

make mistakes

10

Loving yourself can be very risky. 11

1. It's

O.K. To Appreciate Yourself

Ever since you were young, you were taught that

it is

not

OK

to

and appreciate yourself. You learned that to appreciate yourself is vanity and vanity is not good. You learned that to show how much you love

really love yourself

is

Imagine arriving

dangerous at a party

-

people will

criticize

you.

and someone walks up to you and

says:

you responded by agreeing with them: "I know, I look gorgeous tonight," they would probably walk away thinking you were really strange. In our society we learn that when you love yourself openly, others might accuse you of egotism and conceit, and

"Gee, you look great."

If

they will reject you.

and support, you learn to hide your of putting yourself down. Gradually, you begin to believe your own propaganda and your self-love gets repressed and forgotten. In an attempt to get love

self-love

and may even be

in the habit

12

You were probably taught that other people won't you if you like yourself too much.

like

13 tl

We

learn very early to feel guilty about our desires.

2. It's

O.K. To Desire For Yourself

While growing up, you learn very quickly that the world wasn't created for you alone and that you can't have whatever you want. You are

made

to feel selfish

and bad for wanting more than you have. In an

attempt to be good and lovable, you try to suppress your desires and as a result,

you may become

like a robot, acting

order to win their acceptance and love. guilty

out the desires of others in

You may even

about your dreams and wants, feeling they are

14

begin to

"selfish."

feel

3. It's

O.K. To Be Yourself

Children often get the message that in order to get love, they have to "earn" it or pay for it. You conclude that your worthiness is not

— your appearance, your actions, your

in yourself,

but in something else

success, or

your ability to do what

expected of you.

is

If you

experienced

love being turned on and off to you as a child, you probably decided that

your worth and goodness depends on your ability to please other people and do what makes them happy. Your self-esteem becomes something based on

how much you

please others by being "good".

While growing up, you probably learned that

had to pay for

it.

15

to get love

you

Because you are not perfect, you will feel unworthy of such approval and you will gradually learn to mistrust love.

4. It's

O.K. To

Make

Mistakes

Every child quickly catches on to the

reality of conditional love;

when we are right, we win and when we are wrong and make we lose love. At the other extreme

is

bestow him with unconditional

performed poorly or

felt

the child love.

mistakes,

whose parents attempted

to

Perhaps when you misbehaved or

badly, your parents ignored the problem or

mistakes, pretending everything was fine.

As

you unconyou never had an you know you are not perfect a result,

sciously sensed their disapproval or resentment but

opportunity to be forgiven. In both cases,

and you

feel

unworthy of approval when

it

is

given. You learn to

mistrust approval from others and fear their disapproval as well.

16

O.K. To Express Yourself

5. It's

The

result of

your need to please your parents and peers in order to

your spontaneous self-expression. You become preoccupied with becoming like other people and miss the opportunity to explore and express your own uniqueness. When you suppress your inner potential, you live with a sense of

get their love

is

that

you

lose

inner frustration and failure because you have buried yoiir potential for success.

One

part of you wants to express

itself,

but another part wants

love and acceptance and will sacrifice self-expression in order to get

it.

^

Some people

are afraid to succeed

potential.

17

and so they bury

their

If you cannot love yourself, then truly receive love from others.

To

Learning

you

lose

your

ability to

Trust Love

All of this conditioning to not be "yourself in order to get love has

an unfortunate

result:

others. If a part of

you

you

is

lose

your

hiding

ability to truly receive love

who you

from

really are, not expressing

yourself fully or trying to be like others, you cannot trust the love and

appreciation you get from the people you are trying so hard to please.

When

others express their love for you, a

sure, they wouldn't say that

if

little

they really

voice inside says: "Yeah,

knew me." You try hard to "real you" isn't coming out,

knowing all along that the prevents you from feeling good about whatever approval you

please others,

and this do receive.

In the following chapter,

we will explore the various ways you may

be hiding yourself.

18

Chapter 2

How

Are You Hiding Yourself?

The

result of your attempt to feel loved and to please others is that, most people, you have learned and adopted various behavioral strategies designed to get the approval and love you need. These stratelike

gies

become

like roles

you

play, or personality types

you

act out,

whether consciously or unconsciously. This chapter contains a of personality types you

list

may

of

some of the more common examples

be acting out.

yourself described in several or even

all

You might

also suggest a few hints for breaking out of these roles

express the real you that

is

notice a part of

of them. For each category,

and

I

starting to

buried inside. These hints are far from

complete. Later in this book,

HI

offer

you powerful and

techniques for loving yourself and others more.

19

practical

1.

The Performer

This person was given a a child. Performance

is

lot of love for performing and excelling as assumed condition for love and recognition. measure up to the expectations of others and

the

He is always trying to many times self-imposes even

pressured and driven to achieve and there tolerate

very

weakness or stupidity

in

I

is

himself or others and tends also to be

critical.

Oec^d

He always feels no time for rest. He cannot

higher expectations.

ines '

The Performer needs to relax more and discover that he can be loved even when he is not performing. Secretly, the

there

is

Performer

feels

he can never be good enough, since

always room for more growth. This type

may become

very

attached to people and positions, since a secret fear of rejection or

abandonment motivates

his behavior.

He generally feels responsible for

everything.

The Performer needs to relax more and discover that he can be when he is not performing. Take more vacations and read

loved even

romantic novels. Give yourself a break

worth

it.

21

— the high blood pressure

isn't

2.

The

Critic

about the

is

The

Critic

preoccupied with finding, pointing out and talking

faults of others.

He

rejoices in criticizing

and

belittling those

around him. He may hate part of himself, projecting that quality onto others and then becoming extremely critical and judgmental of them.

Whenever he

is

afraid of being judged, he

is

string of judgements, often sarcastic in nature. is

quick to retaliate with a

For him, the

best defense

a strong and critical offense.

The

Critic

is

obsessed with changing or even punishing others

subconscious attempt to change himself.

He

is

able to soothe his

in a

own

feeUngs of inadequacy by proving the shortcomings of others. If you have these traits, try to begin seeing yourself in all those that look for a you judge and criticize. Imagine yourself in their footsteps forgive them. Then forgive yourself and them which you are like in way for not being perfect. Just as you are good at finding reasons to



separate, try finding reasons to feel connected to others.

22

hate

my

OTio-therl

She was so KcHcful. never be

What

the Critic hates about himself, he will find

criticize in others.

23

and

3.

The Boaster

This person compensates for low self-esteem by always exaggerat-

and bragging. While growing up, he learned that to get attention he had to dramatize and enlarge the truth. The Boaster doesn't it happens automatically. Even if the real truth is worthy of plan to lie ing the truth



attention, he

must enlarge

it.

The Boaster has learned to and exaggerating the truth.

get attention by dramatizing

24

Deep

inside, the

love and attention.

Boaster

feels

He feels the

the recognition he needs in his

he

truth

is

is

not good enough to warrant

never enough for him to achieve

own eyes and

in the eyes of others, so

he

stretches the truth.

The Boaster can never trust the love of others, for deep inside he knows he is lying. The closer people get, the more secretive and defensive he becomes. And the more he boasts, the less he trusts the attention and appreciation he gets.

The Boaster must practice being accurate

and

learn that others will

The Boaster needs

still

in

what he says

love him.

to practice being very accurate in

what he

says.

He should find someone who truly does care for him and share with that and pretenses he can remember and see that he can be is. The Boaster must learn to trust again, both himself and others. He needs consistent and honest feedback. To be easy on him is not doing him any service. person

all

loved for

the

who

lies

he really

25

Whenever something bad happens

to a Victim,

you can be

sure their story gets a lot of mileage.

4.

The Victim

This person was generally hurt very deeply at a young age and got a lot of sympathy. it is

The Victim feels unworthy of love and support

preceded by a great mishap or tragedy, or at

Whenever something bad happens

least the telling

unless

of some

you can you are getting a lot of love, attention and sympathy by telling your Victim stories, watch out you are reinforcing a pattern of getting love through experiencing and past tragedy.

to the Victim,

bet that story gets a lot of mileage. If



communicating about pain and suffering. So if your stories get old and you want some love, presto! You will create a new dramatic tragedy.

You might even

use getting sick as a

26

way of

getting

more

love.

The Victim by making them

usually feels powerless in feel guilty.

He

so, quite subconsciously, others get

Victim and

life

and

tries to

control people

refuses to take responsibility for his

make him happy. The Victim must

resolve his stored-up, repressed anger

own He must

learn to develop his

personal power through taking responsibility for his

rgsponstbi

life,

sucked into trying to please the

life.

and practice forgiving

others.

lily

Victims must learn to develop their

by taking

power

responsibility,

expressing their anger

and then forgiveness.

27

The Nice Person is always doing what he '^should'' be doing and has lost touch with what he really wants. 5. This person

He makes tances.

is

The Nice Person

always good-tempered, cheerful and very agreeable.

a great friend and generally has a

The Nice Person learned

early in

lot

life

of friends and acquain-

that compliance brings a

He submits to every rule and regulation He is always doing what he "should" be

reward, a smile or an embrace. with mechanical precision.

doing, intent on pleasing others, saying "yes" to everyone.

The Nice Person never gets angry, but learns to accept and adapt to every

situation.

He

never rocks the boat.

28

On the surface, the Nice Person is happy and content to be a part of is empty and alone. He is very afraid of being do what he wants means risking disapproval. So, he has lost touch with what he really wants and who he really is. He has done everything right and according to the rules, but secretly feels controlled and cheated, lifeless and bored.

the group, but inside he himself, for to



he can never really open up because The Nice Person is trapped others would find out he is really not so nice. By being nice, he has successfully repressed his own special uniqueness and has become a

non-person.

The Nice Person needs

to practice saying

needs to learn to express his anger. nice person inside

they

may even

and

He must

"no" and meaning it. He risk showing the not-so-

see that not only will others

feel closer to

still

him because now he

The Nice Person needs meaning it.

is

love

more

him but that real.

to practice saying "no, "

29

and

The Self-righteous Person can never admit that he for

to confess his faults

6.

The

is

wrong,

could mean the loss of love.

Self-righteous Person

This person has learned that

he

if

and will consider him bad. In order all costs. He can never admit that he

is

wrong, people will not love him

to get love, is

he attempts to be right

wrong, for

to confess his faults

would mean the loss of love and would be very painful him. The Self-righteous Person often tries to make others wrong failures

30

at

and to in

order to be right himself. does.

He

argument with the like

he

is

The sorry,"

He

has a rational excuse for everything he

could even become a great teacher. But don't try to have an lecturing

Self- righteous

Person because

it

will

you on why you are wrong and he

Self- righteous

Person needs to

is

sound more right.

start practice saying:

"I'm

whenever he makes a mistake, even when he has a great excuse.

Rationalization and justification are favorite ways of avoiding feelings, especially the feeling of guilt. This person needs to learn that others will

love him, even

if

he

is

wrong or makes a mistake.

The Self-righteous Person should practice sorry, " whenever he makes a mistake. 31

saying:

*Tm

^ou

H

o.re

s^ri^cCiCtt o-f

U

c},r\d

you

cor^)/^ -io

a

life

destitution. V^a

V^

J

I

The Angry Person

bcxd^

feels ripped off

by

A,.^

life

and

is

^

constantly

trying to get even.

The Angry Person

7.

This person walks around with a chip on his shoulder. For him,

anger

is

Person

a protection;

feels

it

is

a roar to scare

an inner inadequacy and

To compensate

is

away

adversity.

The Angry

always trying to protect himself.

for that feeling of inadequacy, he refuses to be ade-

quately satisfied by the outer world. Nothing can please him. projects his bitter

own inadequacy

He

everywhere, hence feeling frustrated and

towards the world.

The Angry Person get even.

He

feels

ripped off by

gets angry at the

injustice he has ever experienced. failings of others

his

and

is

constantly trying to

He

delights in the shortcomings

and

and thus becomes overly competitive.

The Angry Person cover-up for

life

drop of a hat and remembers every

own

is

stuck in feelings of anger and blame as a

feelings of

inadequacy and hurt.

He must

learn

still deserves love even if he is inadequate in certain areas. Each day he should practice the Love Letter technique (taught later in this book) and forgiveness. Through loving and forgiving others, he will learn to truly love and forgive himself.

that he

32

The Fake

8.

many

This person has played so is

anymore. Behind every mask

ing to

He

is

how

others will receive him.

an expert

roles that he doesn't

another.

is

The Fake

at impressing others in

roles he thinks others

He is

know who he

always acting accord-

will

not risk controversy.

order to be liked.

want him to play and

He

in the process

plays the

becomes a

hypocrite and a fraud.

The Fake probably never growing up, so he decided that else,

whomever

felt

in

others wanted

him

trust anyone's love or appreciation,

fake and that others don't

appreciated for being himself while

order to get love, he had to be someone to be. Unfortunately, he can never

because deep inside he knows he

know who

The Fake has played so many sight of

who he

really

is;

he really

roles that often

behind every mask 33

is

is.

is

he loses another.

a

The Believer has become so dependent on others for

truth

that he loses touch with reality.

9.

The

Believer

This person has become so dependent on others for truth that he doesn't believe his love, he

a

common

his belief,

power and

He

own

feelings.

He

learned growing up that to receive

merely has to agree and believe what others tell him. belief,

then the Believer

you are

his

is

your

friend,

and

if

If you

enemy. The Believer loves to give away

responsibility to others

who can

disappoint the Believer's unrealistic expectations, he will

34

his

own

solve his problems for him.

expects you to love him because he agrees with you.

love and support.

have

you contradict

you withdraw his If

The and

Believer has never gotten over the fact that his parents were not

He

perfect.

always has high hopes, but

is

inevitably

let

down by

others,

will

continue to be until he starts to believe in himself.

The

own life and who have let him down. He should question all he and relate it to his own personal experience. The Believer needs to trust his own feelings, instincts and choices and look to

forgive

Believer must learn to take responsibility for his

all

believes,

to learn

the people

himself as the source of power and

The Believer needs relate

it

to his

wisdom

in his

to question all that

he believes and

own personal experience. 35

life.

The Shy Person's basic reaction little

to people

is

fear.

He

has

confidence that he will be loved,

10.

The Shy Person

This person's basic reaction to other people

is

fear.

He

fears their

him as a failure and he fears their the end. The Shy Person has little confidence that

criticism, he fears their evaluation of

inevitable rejection in

he

is

lovable to others.

him under

He

has been taught that people will only accept

certain conditions

fears rejection.

and

if

those conditions aren't present, he

He may be an incredible musician or performer on stage,

but offstage he becomes shy and insecure.

36

The Shy Person must

learn to take risks.

He

should practice

and then act it out, gradually building up more confidence in himself and dispelling his fear of others. He needs to come out more and learn to trust himself and others again. visualizing a risk

The Shy Person should visualize a risk and then and gradually build up more confidence. 31

act

it

out

-©:\

/

The Show-off believes

that

what he owns

will

make up for

what he fails to be himself

11.

The Show-off

The Show-off beheves what he does or possesses what he

fails to

be himself.

He

will

seeks to compensate for his

make up for own lack of

self-esteem by owning big things, hoping this will attract the attention and recognition he desperately needs. love,

and without

tries to

buy

it.

He

it,

is

To

the Show-off,

he fears he will lose love.

money

He cannot

is

the

symbol of

ask for love, but

unable to share his feelings directly, but does so by

giving or withholding presents and material possessions.

38

Unfortunately, the Show-off never feels worthy of the love he does receive, because he iaiows he is being loved for his achievements

He

possessions and not for being himself.

often

feels

and

used and

unappreciated.

The Show-off needs others to see

and relax he

is

who

he

to practice sharing his feelings

is inside.

his outer image.

He needs

Then he

to

work on

will learn that he

and allowing

his inner self-image

can be loved for

who

and not for what he has or what he does.

The Show-off needs

to practice sharing his feelings

allowing others to see

who he 39

is

inside.

and

The Loner

12. This person

is

always proving that he doesn't need others. At some

point while growing up, he didn't get the love and recognition he

wanted, so he decided he didn't need

become spirit

self-sufficient. Inside,

who

has been hurt too

to be detached

The Loner his needs. "I

from

it.

it

The Loner has learned

times.

needing so

He

has learned to "care

his

them would be too painful. love and thus he denies

needs clearly, he

satisfy his partner's needs, just as

less",

much

alone," he proudly proclaims.

in relationships.

to

an incredibly sensitive and caring

his feelings, for to feel

Because he doesn't express pointed and hurt

is

many

feels guilty for

can do

he

"I

don't need you."

is

continually disap-

He will also resent

feeling obligated to

he resents having his

own

needs.

To

the Loner, needs are a sign of weakness.

At some point, the Loner could not get the recognition and love he wanted and so decided he didn't need it. 40

The Loner needs

and wants. expectations and

to share his needs

reveal to others his secret

He

must

disappointments.

The

easiest choice for the

live alone.

The more he

retreat, thus

He

is

to just avoid relationships

more he

will separate

and and

pushing out the very love he needs so desperately.

The Loner must tears.

Loner

feels his needs, the

learn to share his needs

should reveal to others

all

and

to

show

his hurt

and

of his secret expectations and

disappointments. Whenever he starts to sulk and retreat, he should find

and share his feelings. The Loner needs to learn word and to find people in life who can fulfill his

someone he

cares about

that need

not a dirty

is

needs for love and appreciation.

41

O

D

The Sacrificer must learn to lighten up the heavy load he has placed on love and relationships. He needs to heal built-up repressed anger and resentment towards his parents and others and to forgive them for laying a "heavy guilt trip" on him. The Sacrificer needs to learn to give love freely without expecting equal sacrifice in return, and at the same time, he must remember not to give up his own needs and desires all the time.

The Sacrificer needs to lighten up the heavy load he has placed on love and relationships. 43

\^^of tKem

How

You At Hiding

Successful Are

Yourself? Let's see

how well you

score.

Give yourself points on a scale from

to 5 for each of the personality types a

'3'

perfectly.

To

rarely,

means

often,

and a

'5'

-

a

1

T means you play that role

means you

fit

the description

familiarize yourself with these types even further, imagine

your family and friends and see how they score. The more you can see these personality types in others, the better

them

in yourself.

44

you can see them and change

Chapter 3

What Happens It's

easy to

want love to get

In Relationships

But it's a lot harder to stay in love. We all We all want to live happily ever after. No one decides

fall in love.

to last.

married and says to their partner: "Hey, honey,

I've

been

and have a wonderful two or three years what do tired of each other and get divorced

thinking. Let's get married together. Then,

let's

get

you say?" or "Darling, years, then affairs love.

let's start

and then

But

it

split



let's live

together and have a great sex

fighting, feel resentful,

up."

No

one

happens, and when

it

falls in

love

happens,

46

it

life

for five

have some extramarital

and plans hurts.

to

fall

out of

No

one falls

in love

happens, and when

and plans it

does,

it

47

to fall out of love.

hurts.

But

it

What ends

The Norm?

Is

Approximately one out of every two marriages in the United States in divorce. Out of the couples who do remain married, it's certain

that a

good number are no longer

in love or

happy together, despite the

fact that they aren't officially divorced.

These

statistics are

not encouraging. Their real message to you

is

you plan to get married, you have a fifty-fifty chance of getting a you are reading this and are already married or just in a relationship with someone, the same unpleasant forecast applies to you.) You don't have to be a gambler to see that these are pretty terrible odds. You probably wouldn't invest your money in a business deal if you were told you had a fifty percent chance of losing it. Yet, like most that

if

divorce. (If

people, you continue to get involved in relationships without thinking

much about how to avoid joining the ranks of the fifty percent that don't make it. There's no

way

but you can at least

any relationship learn to preserve the love that you had.

to definately insure that

will last,

Let's take a closer look at the fifty percent of relationships that

"succeed." Stop right

couples do

would

I

like to

now and

ask yourself this question:

know whom I admire, whose have for myself?"

If you

"How many

relationship seems like one

are like most people,

you

will

I

have

coming up with many examples of "good relationships." Between forty and seventy percent of married couples aren't satisfied with their partners and have had outside affairs. One recent survey showed that the greater the household income, the more affairs the couples had. It's obvious from these statistics that money is not the solution to marital happiness. The American Dream of a house, two cars and a happy family has ended in divorce all too many times. a hard time

48

OOOO 11

\

c:>

nirrm

When you're not satisfied with your present partner, you may begin to fantasize about others. 49

o i

Some people relationship

Many

people

keep up the appearance of a loving really the love has died.

when

who

stick

it

out in relationships aren't even able to

look at their problems and admit to themselves and their partner that

They pretend to be happy when they are really numb. They must pretend because it would hurt too much to look at the truth. They are afraid to look at their problems because they don't have a solution. So they keep up the they aren't satisfied.

feeling resentful, sad or

appearance of a relationship while

all

the time they are dying inside.

Sometimes the loneliest place in the world is lying next to someone who doesn't love you anymore or someone you have stopped loving. How many times have you felt surprised when you heard friends of yours were getting a divorce or great, but the love

splitting

up?

was dead.

50

On the surface everything looked

What Are The Options? Most people don't know how to solve their problems with love and and end up approaching those problems in one of several

relationships,

ways.

The

first

option, of course,

that they will go away.

is

to just ignore the

Another method

problems and hope

problem and tell no such thing as the "perfect" relationship, and to expect more is immature and unrealistic. You can also try blaming it all on your partner. You may even leave that partner and find another, only to find yourself facing the same problems all over again. Some people go from partner to partner, trying to avoid conflict and yourself that there

problems.

And

give

to justify the

is

others decide that

who

it

is

less

scary to stay stuck in a

and they just give up. If you are one I hope that reading this book will your problems and begin solving them,

relationship than to risk leaving

of these people

is

it,

has just given up,

you the courage

to look at

rather than accepting a

life

One of the ways we

devoid of love.

deal with our problems

them on other people. 51

is

to

blame

-i-rarfeo^f of pqss»c»^

for Sccarify.

fVoo->^

Contrary to popular belief, relationships do not have to be doomed to mediocrity and boredom.

Have you ever

felt:

"I love

my

partner, but I'm

no longer

in love

*?'

Unfortunately, the typical response to this complaint by family, friends

and even many psychologists romantic love can't

last.

"Don't be immature. Face the

is:

It's

facts



a tradeoff; you sacrifice passion for

security." Contrary to popular belief,

Relationships do not have to be

doomed

love

and romance can last. and boredom.

to mediocrity

That flame of love and excitement that you shared remain burning and can even burn brighter.

52

in the

beginning can

Think back to a time when you saw a couple other's presence, looking very

really enjoying

each

much in love. You probably assumed that

they had just met or that they were having an affair. This negative

conditioning about love lasting

is

very deeply ingrained in us from an

early age.

Some people

are outraged

when they

love.

53

see

two people

in

Who

Taught You

How To

Love?

You may not enjoy reading this next line, but you learned how to love and have relationships by watching your parents when you grew Most of

six, and you you saw your parents lying to one another, you learned to lie. If you saw them hiding their true feelings, you learned to hide yours. If you saw them punish each other,

up.

may

this

"education" occurred before the age of

be very unconscious of its influence on you.

If

you learned to punish and withhold your love. Long before you had your first real intimate relationship, you were thoroughly trained and conditioned, and unfortunately most of that conditioning taught you more about how not to love and communicate than about how to love and effectively communicate your feelings.

Would you just like

like to

have a relationship

your parent's relationship?

54

Long

before

you had your first

intimate relationship,

were thoroughly trained and conditioned.

55

you

In order to start making love work, admit to yourself that you

need

to learn

more about

it.

Relearning Love you want a relationship that is better than the one your parents you want love to work for you, you have to work at it. Start by admitting to yourself that you need to learn how to make love work and that from looking around at everyone you know, you are not alone. Let go of your pride and feel the need you have deep inside for more intimacy, appreciation and love. The easiest way to learn is to pretend that you don't know anything about love. Try adopting beginner's awareness as you take this next step. Enriching your relationships is an art and a science, just like building a bridge, making a meal, or playing an instrument. It takes skill and practice and daily application of those skills. Like all arts and sciences, enriching your relationship will seem like a mystery, like something impossible to comprehend until you have worked with it If

had,

if

long enough to master

my

it.

Then

it

will

be second nature.

Enriching your relationship can be learned. Already in seminars I have taught thousands of people to do so. Read on w ith

an open mind and a willingness to practice mastering love

56

.

Enriching Relationships Everyone

is

always trying to enrich their relationships either

consciously or unconsciously. like

they don't care, you

No

matter

how much someone may

can bet that underneath their defensive

act

armor is

a gentle spirit that wants to love and be loved. Behind every motive and

action

is

the desire to be loved

and appreciated and a longing

to share

ourselves with others.

Behind every scary front love and be loved.

is

a gentle spirit that wants to

57

People are frustrated trying to make relationships work because they have not learned a successful method.

If

why

everyone

are so

Why

is

many

are there so

trying to be

more

loving and kind to one another,

marriages breaking up and families being torn apart?

many

lonely people in the world?

Why

do people

continue to hurt one another?

Talking about love and having good intentions are just not enough.

who had problems in their most cases there was really nothing wrong with the people who came to me for counseling. However, there was something wrong with the methods they were using in trying to enrich their relationships. Most people start out attempting to work on After

many

relationship,

years of counseling couples I

came to

realize that in

58

their relationships

and end up frustrated and hopeless. In many

because they have not learned effective communication they try to

'fix'

their relationship, the

worse

it

gets.

skills,

As a

the

cases,

more

result, the

problems get ignored and accumulate over time. People unnecesarily accept the state of their relationships because they have no workable solution; they have

no choice but

to accept or try again with

somebody

new.

LOKa+ do ^ou

wiearN 3!dlo/\-V

>

+^ar>Vc

vow^

\f\

gci

The HurtSaolnesv

Effect Fe(>r^In5ecv>r'i+y

Guilt /'inn sorry Our emotions

we generally show only the rest remain submerged.

are like an iceberg;

a small fraction

and

The Iceberg The

first

Effect

step in telling the complete truth in your

Most of us

life is

knowing

unaware of the complete truth; this you came upon an iceberg ninefloating in the Arctic Ocean, you would only see one-tenth of it tenths of the ice block remains submerged beneath the surface. Your emotions are similar to that iceberg. Most of the time, just a fraction of how you really feel shows to others and even to your conscious mind, while the majority of your emotions lie hidden deep inside of you. Thus, it becomes difficult to communicate the complete truth about your what

it

is.

phenomenon

is

are

called the Iceberg Effect. If



feelings because they

remain a mystery even to you.

66

Living In Your Heart And Not In Your Head mechanism you've developed over the years. Unable to cope with and express the truth about your emotions, you learn to hide those feelings deep inside and hope that they just go away. Through years of rejecting and-suppressing your feelings, you start to acquire the unfortunate and unhealthy habit Repressing your feelings

actually a safety

is

of automatically repressing any unsafe, unacceptable or confusing

You

emotions.

threaten your

learn only to express those feelings that won't disturb or

or others, thereby insuring safety and acceptance.

life

You become a stranger to your own feelings. You your head what to

from your

heart.

.^

I

\*4

SA

feel,

^

rather than simply

n

*

Super

begin to figure out in

and spontaneously i

i

feeling

^

/

fV\arke-V

I

I

£l r^mSmi

X

SVsoold

%^

1 \o^

be avNjyy or

hafpy

+Vvft'\

sKouM

tW^y

dlir!^

/>

m

o

fi

As

a result of repression, you stop feeling and start figuring out how you should feel. 67

'«>WWKiHi

Recovering buried emotions motivated and purposeful.

What Are You Locating buried emotions

is

is



essential for feeling

Really Feeling? absolutely essential to your growth

because to the extent that you suppress and bury your feelings, you lose contact with

who you

are

and what you

will

really want.

my

years of researching human emotions, I have discovered a map of feelings to help you understand the maze of your emotions. When you are upset or unable to emotionally cope with a In

universal

given situation, you are subconsciously experiencing various levels of feelings at the

same

time.

68

The

levels are: 1

Anger, Blame and Resentment

2.

Hurt, Sadness and Disappointment

3.

Fear and Insecurity

4. Guilt, 5.

Remorse and Regret

Love, Understanding, Forgiveness and Desire

Vofl'i

"iovA

toe So \rra-\')6r\a\.

are ei^l^^r

The complete truth has many different levels. It is perfectly normal to have many conflicting emotions same time. 69

Ckvs^ry^

at the

r^rnrso off. I

-f

«

I

^ud

\{ou ujere C)one- Xi>jc4^ 1'»v,

sorry

tf^d vc>M.

T

i

J^rgof really

for ^,uc

Iol^c

yoq

.,

5>' /ii//v expressing all your negative emotions,

you can spontaneously experience your love and understanding.

The complete truth about how you are Normally you are only aware of one emotion all

there as well. If

all

feeling has

many

levels.

at a time, but the rest are

of these levels can be fully experienced and

expressed, the emotional upsets can be easily resolved. Each emotion

must be

fully

of the process

experienced and expressed for the successful completion



if

not, the feelings

around any upset

will

never be fully

resolved and will most likely be repressed inside of you, creating

more

emotional baggage for you to carry around from relationship to relationship.

By

fully expressing all

of the negative emotions, you can spontane-

ously experience your love and understanding again.

Most communication problems stem from only communicating and not expressing the complete truth. Often when

part of the truth,

people

tell

the truth, they leave out

many

of the feelings they are having

and focus on one of the above levels, excluding the others. Underneath underneath all anger and all negative emotions are positive emotions hurt is a feeling of love and a willingness to connect and be close. The



70

people

who make you the most angry are the people you care about the

When

most.

something someone does

love that person, the

problem

arises

interferes with

your

ability to

four levels of emotion will be activated.

The when you communicate the anger or hurt and neglect to first

express the complete truth about the love underneath.

Underneath tion.

all

The only way

negative emotions

is

to uncover that love

love and the desire for connec-

is

to experience

and express

all

those other emotions piled up on top. Failure to feel and express feelings prevents us

all our from tapping into the vast emotional resources of

love and confidence within our hearts.

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When Wilma pushes down her anger, Fred feels it and becomes angry. What you suppress, your partner may express. 119

When we push down This

is

what we The

See-Saw

principle of the

What you

What your

is

in

our partner.

Effect.

See-Saw

Effect

may

is:

express.

of course, the reverse:

partner suppresses, you

This principle really affect

comes up

suppress, your partner

And

your emotions

afeeiingyit

call the

may

express.

the physics of relationships, explaining

how

your partner's and how your partner's emotions

affect yours. In the case

we just saw, Wilma was suppressing her anger

and Fred began expressing

it.

120

how the See-Saw Effect works with another level of emotion and insecurity. Fred starts to become afraid. Maybe he is working on a new book and is afraid it won't turn out the way he wants. Here's



fear

Trying to remain cool and collected by suppressing his own fears, Fred is unknowingly fueling the fires of Wilma's fear.

121

Maybe

he

is

expanding

his business

and

is

afraid of the financial risks.

But Fred was taught while growing up that as a

and confident.

Men

certainly don't ever

don't get afraid

man

he should be strong

— they just forge ahead. And they

show anyone they

are afraid. So, what does Fred

with that emotion of fear? That's right, he suppresses

pushing

it

down

it,

do

unconsciously

in his tank.

The more Fred pushes down his fear, the more it goes over onto Wilma's side. All of a sudden, Wilma starts to feel insecure, fearful and panicky. She will probably start to express her fears and as Fred hears

more and say: "Honey, there's nothing to worry about. Calm down." As Fred gets more and more detached and unfeeling, Wilma will feel her fears intensify until she becomes quite panicky and almost hysterical with worry. Fred her express her fear, he will resist her even

suppresses his fears and

Wilma

This becomes a vicious

Wilma becomes,

the

by suppressing his

circle,

more Fred

own

expresses them.

fears.

because the more afraid and nervous

tries to

Fred

is

Wilma's hysteria by trying to remain

remain cool, calm and collected

unknowingly fueling the

can't understand

why

of

in control.

Why Women May Seem I've seen this pattern

fire

Overemotional

happen over and over again with women who become so insecure and hysterical around

they

the men they love and men who can't understand why otherwise logical and strong women seem to fall apart around them. The answer is the See-Saw Effect. The men are following their conditioning to not show feelings of fear and the women end up expressing all the men's suppressed fearful emotion. The extreme case of this is the controlling, even-tempered husband, never expressing any emotion that could be taken for weakness or self-doubt, driving the wife into overemotionalism and hysteria, then making the woman feel inferior and mentally ill by constantly pointing out how emotional she is becoming. Many women literally end up in mental institutions when this happens to them over a long period of time. And of course, there are cases of the reverse: women controlling themselves and the men

exploding with

feelings.

122

Even-tempered men can

easily drive

hysteria.

123

women

into

Why Women May Become Let's take

"need".

one more example of the See-Saw

Fred and Wilma

starts to feel his if

fall in love

and

"Needy" Effect: the

as they

become

emotion of

closer,

Fred

need for Wilma. But that feeling frightens him, because

he needs her, he could lose her. So Fred pushes

down

his feelings of

need, telling himself he doesn't want to get too close or committed.

What happens

to his need

when he pushes

it

down? Right

to Wilma's side of the tank, adding to her

blowing them out of proportion. Wilma called "needy".

own



it

goes over

feelings of need

starts to feel

what

is

and

commonly

She becomes very afraid of losing Fred and she feels commitment from him; she feels weak in his presence.

desperate to get a

The more Fred suppresses

When

Fred sees her feeling needy, he

he resists his will get in

own

more needy Wilma feels. naturally resist her. The more

his needs, the will

needs being mirrored back to him, the stronger they

Wilma.

This phenomenon is very common in intimate relationships. Some men go from one woman to another, wondering why they all become so needy around them. What they don't realize is that each woman is reflecting the man's own needs back to him, needs he is afraid to look at

and

feel.

124

Some people go from one partner why

they all

become so

''needy"

125

to another,

and

insecure.

wondering

How Does anger



all this

it's

secretary,

The See-Saw Effect Blows Your Feelings Out Of Proportion

it

mean that every time you

your husband's? Or, is

really she

who

if is

feel

angry,

it

isn't really

you walk into work and angry? Not at

all.

yell at

Don't use

information to prove that you are right and someone else

is

your your this

wrong.

See-Saw Effect a little more closely. Wilma and Fred go to a restaurant and wait a half an hour to be served. Let's say they each feel a little annoyed and angry 10% angry, for instance. But Fred's conditioning tells him it is not OK to be angry, especially about small things, so he pushes it down. The See-Saw Effect takes over, and now Wilma is feeling 20% angry and annoyed. Fred notices her feeling angry and tries to calm her down. The more he pushes down his feelings, the more her feelings will intensify. She was angr>' also it's not all Fred's anger she is expressing, but now her anger and annoyance in the Let's look at the





restaurant will be

way out

of proportion.

126

By

being nice and suppressing your annoyance, your

partner's annoyance will intensify.

127

Mirror, Mirror

On The

Wall

You may be starting to understand why you sometimes feel crazy relationships.

Have you

in

ever noticed that you try to do everything to

calm your partner down and he or she just gets more and more upset? is probably expressing an emotion that you are suppressing. People close to you will act like mirrors, reflecting back

That's because your partner

you a perfect image of yourself, including the parts of yourself you would rather not look at or deal with. So, if you are suppressing your fears, your partner may continue to pester you with her fears and worries, as if to hold a mirror up to you and say: "Hey, take a look at some of the feelings you are pushing down." to

So, something else important to realize

You If

will resist in

Fred

is

is:

your partner what you suppress

in yourself.

suppressing his anger, not wanting to deal with

goes over into Wilma's tank, she will her anger, what

is

start to get angry.

resist seeing in

is

it

He will try and suppress her Wilma what he is pushing down in

himself. Trying to change your partner's emotions or talk

you don't want

and

he sees

his natural reaction?

anger also. Fred will

feeling a feeling

it,

When

a sure sign that they are mirroring to

them out of

you an emotion

to feel in yourself.

If you are resisting your partner's emotions, it's probably because you are resisting those same emotions within yourself.

128

You

will resist in

your partner what you suppress

yourself.

129

in

When one parent suppresses negative emotions, may uncontrollably express those emotions.

The See-Saw

Effect

And Your

the other

Parents

Think back to your childhood. Did you have one parent who was "good guy", the nice parent, the one w ho seemed to be the victim of the other, and one parent who was the "bad guy", the one who got angry, yelled, did the disciplining? Now that you understand the SeeSaw Effect, think again perhaps your nice parent was suppressing so much anger and resentment that the other parent had to constantly express it in order to try and dissolve some of the tension. When one parent pushes down negative emotions in himself or herself, the other the



parent will inevitably express those emotions.

130

Kids The See-Saw children.

We

And The See-Saw

Effect occurs quite dramatically in families with

can redefine the principle and say:

What you

Many

Effect

suppress, your children

may

express.

parents think they should hide their feelings from their

children in order to protect or shelter them.

I

feel this couldn't

be farther

from the truth. Your children will pick up your feelings anyway, whether you choose to express them consciously or not, and the kids will only feel confused by the mixed messages and may even start feeling that they are responsible for making you unhappy.

What you

suppress,

your children may 131

express.

parent

If a

is

suppressing anger and hostility towards his spouse,

for instance, the children will express

it

and

rebellious behavior and temper tantrums.

If

sadness and hurt, the children will cry more. his feelings of fear

more

and

act

it

out through angry,

a parent If a

insecurity, the children

is

suppressing his

pushing down may whine and become parent

is

fearful.

This

is

why

it's

essential to

work together

as a family solving the

family problems. There's no such thing as one person having a problem that

is

theirs alone

when

that person lives with others.

The Multiple Tank

Effect

what happens when there are more than just two people in a relationship. Fred is married to Wilma. What Fred doesn't know is that Wilma is having an affair with Barney. So now, we Let's take a look at

have three tanks connected. Barney

is

So

also married to Betty.

there

are four tanks, four sets of emotions involved.

One

day, Betty feels sad because she feels Barney pulling away, but

she suppresses her feelings since she wants to be a good wife. suppresses, Barney starts to

feel,

but he

so he suppresses his feelings too.

What

is

a

man

(

a cave

he suppresses,

What

man

she

to boot!)

Wilma starts to of it down and it

She adds her own suppressed sadness, pushes all passes on to Fred. One morning, Fred wakes up feeling very sad and depressed, and he doesn't even know Betty, who started it all in the first feel.

place.

Multiple relationships can get extremely complicated.

enough

to balance the emotional energies

three or four. This

is

between two people,

It's

hard

let

alone

one of the problems with open relationships and

affairs — they confuse the emotional balance between partners.

132

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