Unfamiliar Familiars: Extraordinary Animal Companions for the Modern Witch 9781797200774, 1797200771

Table of contents :
Cover
Title
Copyright
TABLE OF CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
What Is a Familiar?
Choosing a Familiar
Summoning Your Familiar
THE FAMILIARS
Albatross
Axolotl
Badger (European)
Ball Python
Bees (Swarm of)
Bullfrog (American)
Burrowing Owl
Capuchin Monkey
Capybara
Cat (Persian)
Catfish
Chicken
Cicada
Dik-Dik
Earthworm
Electric Eel
Flying Fox
Harbor Seal
Hedgehog
Hippo
Hummingbird
Leafy Sea Dragon
Lobster (Regular)
Luna Moth
Monitor Lizard
Narwhal
Orb Weaver Spider
Pig (Pot-Bellied)
Platypus
Quokka
Red Squirrel
Shoebill Stork
Sloth (Two-Toed)
Star-Nosed Mole
Sun Bear
Tanuki (Raccoon Dog )
Tardigrade
Thick-Billed Raven
Tortoise
Turkey Vulture
Who Are We?
Last Words
Acknowledgments
Chronicle Ebooks

Citation preview

UNFAMILIAR FAMILIARS EXTRAORDINARY ANIMAL COMPANIONS for the MODERN WITCH

By Megan Lynn Kott and Justin DeVine

Copyright © 2020 by Megan Lynn Kott and Justin DeVine. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Kott, Megan Lynn, author. | DeVine, Justin, author. Title: Unfamiliar familiars : extraordinary animal companions for the modern witch / by Megan Lynn Kott and Justin DeVine. Description: San Francisco : Chronicle Books, [2020] Identifiers: LCCN 2019059912 | ISBN 9781797200774 (hardcover); ISBN 9781797200774 (epub, mobi) Subjects: LCSH: Familiars (Spirits)--Juvenile humor. | Witches-Juvenile humor. | Animals--Miscellanea--Juvenile literature Classification: LCC BF1557 .K68 2019 | DDC 133.4/3--dc23 LC record available at https:// lccn.loc.gov/2019059912 Cover design by Neil Egan, Justin DeVine, and Megan Lynn Kott. Layout design by AJ Hansen. Chronicle books and gifts are available at special quantity discounts to corporations, professional associations, literacy programs, and other organizations. For details and discount information, please contact our premiums department at [email protected] or at 1-800-759-0190. Chronicle Books LLC 680 Second Street San Francisco, California 94107 www.chroniclebooks.com

TABLE OF CONTENTS 6

What Is a Familiar?

7

Choosing a Familiar

14 Albatross

I N T R O DU C T I ON 10

Summoning Your Familiar

THE FAMILIARS 58

Lobster (Regular)

16 Axolotl

60 Luna Moth

18

62

Badger (European)

Monitor Lizard

20 Ball Python

64 Narwhal

22 Bees (Swarm of)

66

Orb Weaver Spider

24 Bullfrog (American)

68

Pig (Pot-Bellied)

26

Burrowing Owl

70 Platypus

28

Capuchin Monkey

72 Quokka

30 Capybara

74 Red Squirrel

32

76

Shoebill Stork

34 Catfish

78

Sloth (Two-Toed)

36 Chicken

80 Star-Nosed Mole

38 Cicada

82

Sun Bear

40 Dik-Dik

84

Tanuki (Raccoon Dog )

42 Earthworm

86 Tardigrade

44 Electric Eel

88

46 Flying Fox

90 Tortoise

48

92 Turkey Vulture

Cat (Persian)

Harbor Seal

Thick-Billed Raven

50 Hedgehog 52 Hippo

94 Who Are We?

54 Hummingbird

95

56

96 Acknowledgments

Leafy Sea Dragon 5

Last Words

WHAT IS A FAMILIAR? A familiar may be many things, but fundamentally it is a witch’s animal companion. In ancient times—which is to say the 1950s and earlier—people believed that familiars were not animals at all, but were in fact imps, or other spiritbeings taking on animal shapes for the purpose of deception. As longtime researchers and self-proclaimed familiar experts, we emphatically dispute this. Although the old stereotype is still occasionally reinforced in the modern era (notably by television programs about teenage witches), it is now much more commonly known that familiars are just regular flesh-and-blood creatures, albeit magical ones. While all people have access to magic (in theory at least), some are considerably more aware of and in touch with the arcane world than others. It is these individuals who are most likely to become witches. Similarly, some animals are more in touch with the flow of magic than others, and it is these mystically attuned creatures that are best suited to becoming familiars. Not all familiars operate in the same way; some can cast spells independently, while some can only lend their strength to boost others’ magical efforts. Some possess sensory abilities that humans do not, whereas some are best at performing simple tasks that human witches are unsuited for (due to being too large, too small, not having gills, etc.). Some make fabulous guides to the unseen realms, and some are best at gently guiding others toward self-awareness and actualization. Above all else, the thing to remember about familiars is that they are not servants and they are not pets. When a witch enters into a Familiar’s Pact, they are voluntarily partnering with the familiar in question, and such a partnership may last their entire lifetime (or beyond). Also, it’s almost guaranteed that a new familiar will annoy one’s pets, roommates, and possibly houseplants. Thus, the decision is not one to be made willy-nilly. 6

CHOOSING A FAMILIAR Entering a Familiar’s Pact will undoubtedly be one of the most important decisions of your magical life. To aid you in that decision, this book seeks to elucidate the benefits and drawbacks of some underrepresented familiar types. All witches are unique, and we believe that the range of animal companions should reflect the diversity of the magical community. For whatever reason, though, many people still limit themselves to the same few old-world standards (toads, crows, black cats, tiny horses, etc.). While there’s certainly nothing wrong with any of these options, we encourage you to leave them to those basic witches, and consider instead some of the unconventional options described within these pages. There are many possible ways of determining what type of familiar is best for you—tea leaves, if read properly, can be enormously helpful. Cootiecatchers have been known to be similarly efficacious. Our recommended method, however, is the following: Tear out pages 14–92 of this book, and fold each into an origami swan. Set the swans afloat down your nearest river or stream—either at dawn or dusk—in a magnificent chain of paper birds. Within three days, one of the swans should come back to you, in the beak of an owl, in an old glass bottle sealed with wax, or possibly just by FedEx. Unfold the swan and see which page has returned; the creature described by the text is your ideal familiar. If no swan returns, the ritual has been inconclusive, and we recommend you buy a new copy of the book and try again. If all this sounds too time—or money— intensive, simply refer to the chart on the following spread.

7

With Which Crystal Do You Most Resonate?

Opal

Amethyst

Do You Have A Crescent Moon Or Skull-Shaped Birthmark?

Do You Prefer Coffee Or Tea?

How DId You Know?

Birds: Pro or Con?

No/ i'm Not Telling

What's Your Initiative Bonus?

Coffee

Is Your Refrigerator Running?

Tea

What's the Best The Cure Song?

Pro Birds? Ew. What? +2 Or Greater i Believe So? Let Me Go Check "Just Like Heaven" "Boys Don't Cry" Yes

Turquoise

Bloodstone

Sodium Chloride

Who Put The Ram In The Rama Lama Ding Dong?

Are You A Morning Person Or A Night Person?

is A Hot Dog A Sandwich?

Barry Mann

Do You Like Ice Cream?

i DId

What Do You Call Sugary Soft Drinks?

i Just Love to See the Sun RIse

Do You Often Get Headaches?

Yes Soda Pop LIke, Constantly Practically Never Pandas?

i'm Basically a Vampire

Pandas.

Obviously, Yes

Are You a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

What? No!

What Color Is Your Ribbon?

PANDAS! Good, Clearly Bad, Clearly Green Red

Are You Lactose Intolerant? Are the Best Things In Life Free? Are You Left-Handed? Can You Comfortably Lift 25lbs or More? Are You Bigger Than a Bread Box? Can You Hear the Call Of the Sea? Can You Speak Any Dead Languages? Are You Afraid Of the Dark? Would You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse? Have You Ever Been to Another Country? Do Your Earlobes Tingle During Eclipses? Have You Ever Broken a Bone? Were You Born on a Wednesday? Do You Believe in Unicorns? Have You Ever Peed in the Woods? Do You Ever Feel like a Plastic Bag? Do You Bite Your Fingernails? Do You Care About the Oxford Comma? Do You Own a Cassette Tape Player? Do You Remember Your Dream From Last Night?

Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No

Turkey Vulture..................p.92 Platypus............................p.70 Harbor Seal.......................p.48 Electric Eel.......................p.44 Chicken..............................p.36 Leafy Sea Dragon...............p.56 Ball Python.......................p.20 Earthworm........................p.42 Dik-Dik...............................p.40 Tardigrade.........................p.86 Albatross..........................p.14 Monitor Lizard..................p.62 Tortoise............................p.90 Red Squirrel......................p.74 Burrowing Owl..................p.26 Axolotl..............................p.16 Capuchin Monkey................p.28 Cat (Persian)......................p.32 Capybara............................p.30 Hedgehog...........................p.50 Star-Nosed Mole................p.80 Sun Bear............................p.82 Hippo.................................p.52 Bees (Swarm of).................p.22 Catfish..............................p.34 Shoebill Stork...................p.76 Narwhal............................p.64 Orb Weaver Spider..............p.66 Bullfrog (American)..........p.24 Sloth (Two-Toed)...............p.78 Luna Moth..........................p.60 Lobster (Regular)..............p.58 Hummingbird......................p.54 Quokka..............................p.72 Badger...............................p.18 Pig (Pot-Bellied).................p.68 Cicada................................p.38 TanukI (raccoon dog)........p.84 Flying Fox..........................p.46 Thick-Billed Raven.............p.88

SUMMONING YOUR FAMILIAR Once you have an ideal familiar in mind, draw (to the best of your ability) a picture of it from memory on unlined paper. Fold the resulting sketch in half (hot-dog style) twice, and keep it under your pillow for three nights.* After that, burn the piece of paper in the flame of your favorite candle, and collect as much of the ashes as you can. Mix the ash with a sprinkle of soil from your garden, and carry the resulting mixture in your dominant hand until you reach the third tree on the left. Deposit the dirt and ash into a hole in the tree bark while reciting the name you’ve chosen for your familiar.** If there isn’t a hole in the bark, just smear it all over the trunk indiscriminately. Please now wash your hands. Your familiar will soon be revealed to you. If your familiar is aquatic, microscopic, or occupies some other unusual habitat, you may need to venture out a bit to find it, but fear not, for the Universe will coordinate your meeting!*** Just remember that this is an adopt-don’t-shop situation. Buying an animal to be your familiar is not only mystically missing the point, it also encourages the dark arts of animal breeding for profit, which we discourage wholeheartedly. When meeting your familiar for the first time, you will each make a vow to the other, sealing your partnership. You can write your own vows, but if you need guidance, feel free to use/adapt the following lines:

10

On my honor, I will try

to serve the Goddess and my familiar,

to help people and animals at all times and to live by this Familiar’s Pact. I say it once, I say it twice,

I say it chicken soup with rice.****

* If you dream of teeth falling out on any of those nights, floss thoroughly and start over. If you dream about showing up to school naked or being unprepared for a test, don’t worry, that’s totally normal. If you dream about vampire chimney sweeps, you probably need more potassium in your diet. ** All familiars have their own true names. It’s a curious fact though, that even when animals are able to speak to humans, they are unable to communicate their own names. This being the case, we recommend assigning a name to your familiar. We’ve recommended a few powerful names for each type of creature described in this book, but really any name will work as long as it’s pronounceable by you and doesn’t make your familiar seem like a dweeb. *** Probably! **** If your familiar is a chicken or any other type of domestic fowl, we recommend leaving this bit out.

11

THE

FAMILIARS

Albatross

SEAWORTHY COMPANION

W I T C H E S W HO K NOW MORE T H A N T WO S E A S H AN T IE S BY H E A RT PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Air

STAR SIGN

  Aquarius

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Coleridge ·· Dolores ·· Cleese ·· Wisdom ·· Orville ·· Albie

STRENGTHS

·· Fortune-Telling ·· Weather Witchery ·· Mouse Carrying

WEAKNESSES

·· Crossbows ·· Small Spaces ·· Romantic Poets

Albatrosses are top-notch navigators and weather predictors, making them valuable assets to anyone who travels by broom, tall ship, or dirigible. Although happiest living out at sea, albatrosses will periodically consent to come landward to assist terrestrial magicians, on the dual conditions that they are (a) given leave every year to fly home to their native mating ground, and (b) provided with as many fish as they want. Albatrosses have the longest wingspan of any living bird (stretching 10 feet [3 m] across or more!), so if you plan on bringing one into your home or the cabin of your ship, make sure beforehand that you have room for it to adequately stretch its gargantuan wings. They are understandably cranky when forced into cramped conditions. Important: Please do not shoot (or otherwise maim) your albatross. To do so is to risk becoming a hollow-eyed ranting wretch, unable to fully live, and yet, also unable to die.

15

Axolotl

PRECIOUS ELEMENTAL

W I T C H E S W HO C RY DURING I N SU R ANC E C OM M E RCIA LS PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Fire

STAR SIGN  Leo

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Quetzalcoatl ·· Scamander ·· Mustard ·· Smiley ·· Yolanda ·· Djinn

STRENGTHS

·· Elemental Magic ·· Body-Part

Axolotls are astoundingly magical creatures. Like all salamanders, they are traditionally associated with fire, but they actually embody the power of all the elements and the transmutation thereof. This makes them especially suitable companions for modern-day alchemists or airbenders. Axolotls know many secrets of the body and will aid in your magical healing efforts to the best of their ability. They are especially good at repairing or regrowing damaged limbs, organs, and feelings of self-worth. Furthermore, look at their cute little funny faces!

Regeneration ·· Smiling

WEAKNESSES

·· Gill Sensitivity ·· Overly Trusting Nature ·· Sunburns

17

Badger (European) LOYAL TEATIME COMPANION

WI T C H E S W HO S AY “CHE E RS” I N ST E AD O F “T H A N K S” PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT Earth

STAR SIGN  Taurus

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Mr. Badger ·· Grahame ·· Helga ·· Frances ·· Pluck ·· Davos

STRENGTHS

·· Digging ·· Dowsing ·· Dining

Badgers have long claws and are extremely adept at digging. This is useful for unearthing roots and insects, disposing of ritual materials, and burying bodies. Their paws (though powerful) can also be surprisingly dainty, and are well versed in the art of handling a china teacup. Despite what certain fictional schools of witchcraft and wizardry might tell you, badgers are neither so kind nor accepting as to form a magical bond with just anyone; they are extremely discerning creatures. That said, once you have been accepted by a badger familiar, their loyalty knows no bounds. Important: Attempt only to form a familiarship with European badgers. American badgers are too aggressive, and honey badgers don’t give a crap.

Companionship

WEAKNESSES

·· Gluttony ·· Drooling ·· Grumpiness

19

Ball Python LIMBLESS CUDDLER

W I T C H E S W HO A RE AL L E RG IC T O DANDE R PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT Earth

STAR SIGN   Virgo

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Kaa ·· Cecily! ·· Boop Noodle ·· Cr 0wley2 ·· Naga ·· Shoelace

STRENGTHS

·· Hypnotism ·· Hugs ·· Knot Magic

WEAKNESSES

·· No Thumbs ·· No Other Fingers ·· Not Knowing Their

Despite traditional associations with evil, snakes actually make wonderful and companionable familiars, with ball pythons being especially well tempered. Ball pythons shed their outermost scales every four to six weeks and are completely reborn each time. When this happens, your pact must be renewed and your familiar must be renamed. A snake’s familiar name—much like passwords—can’t be repeated within six previous instances (and sometimes must contain a capital letter, a special character, and/or a number). Thus, witches paired with ball pythons must have excellent memories. Confer with them about any anxieties you may have about renewal or reawakening, as these are topics they are intimately familiar with. Feel free to ask them about your past lives—which they can easily see—but know in advance that most past lives were very boring and that you were never Cleopatra.

Own Strength

21

Bees (Swarm of) LI’L STINGERS

U RBAN-FAR M I NG-E N TH US IA ST WITCHES PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Air

STAR SIGN

  Gemini

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Swarmy ·· The Shimmering ·· Unity ·· The Yellow Sox ·· Cluster ·· Queenie and The Hummers

STRENGTHS

·· Stinging ·· Pollen Alchemy ·· Secret Keeping

Although a swarm of bees makes for a powerful and intimidating ally, before the colony will do your bidding, you must thank each and every bee individually (which will take a while). Even after the initial thanking, whenever aided, be sure to bow thrice to the queen or else risk her severest displeasure. The queen will be easy to pick out from the rest of the hive, as she is twice the size of the worker bees and will be wearing a tiny crown. Note for thrifty witches: After a few months with your swarm familiar, they may begin gifting you with honey and beeswax. This can amount to substantial savings when it comes to your candle and poultice supply budget!

WEAKNESSES

·· Pesticides ·· Global Warming ·· Peer Pressure

23

Bullfrog (American) THE NEW CLASSIC

W I T C H E S W HO LOVE A G R AN DE C H AI LAT T E PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT

  Water

STAR SIGN   Pisces

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Kermit ·· Tiana ·· Webster ·· Jeremiah ·· Twain ·· Mr. President

STRENGTHS

·· Hexing ·· Jumping ·· Beer Advertising

Bullfrog familiars come with all the same mystic benefits as toads, but with an added dimension of New World swagger, and significantly fewer warts. Bullfrogs love to sing, and have strong robust voices that can be heard up to a half mile [805 m] away. This can be particularly helpful for musical enchantments or for harmonizing along with you in your car. Traditional folklore tells us that frog/toad familiars need to be suckled with the witch’s own blood. This is patently ridiculous. Horse blood will do just fine.

WEAKNESSES

·· Inability to

Whisper ·· Anatomy Professors ·· Wannabe Princesses

25

Burrowing Owl AFTERNOON SAGE

W I T C H E S W HO AR E MOST C OM F O RTABL E I N SA N DA LS PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT Earth

STAR SIGN   Virgo

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Athena ·· Archimedes ·· Hedwig ·· Piggin ·· Dig-Dug ·· Thessaly

STRENGTHS

·· Wisdom ·· Mimicry ·· Remote Viewing

While most owls have at least a limited ability to see into the future, most burrowing owls can see into the present with remarkable clarity. Due to their excellent hearing and eyesight, they are not only aware of things happening many leagues away, but they see current events with startling insight. They can likely tell you why—for example— Steve just dumped you, but be sure you actually want to know before asking, because the truth can be brutal. (Steve’s just not that into you.) While one might expect to keep night hours with an owl familiar, most burrowing owls are actually diurnal, so you and your owl will most likely watch a lot of daytime television together.

WEAKNESSES

·· Small Stature ·· Angry Disposition ·· Easily Overwhelmed

27

Capuchin Monkey MISCHIEVOUS ANTHROPOID

W I T C H E S W HO P R AC T IC E M E DI TAT ION PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Fire

STAR SIGN   Aries

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Sun Wukong ·· Hanuman ·· Ampersand ·· Mojo ·· Cappuccino ·· Albert

STRENGTHS

·· Transformation ·· Hand-to-Hand

Combat ·· Poop Throwing

WEAKNESSES

·· Distractibility ·· Capriciousness ·· Frequent Drunkenness

Capuchin monkeys are canny shape-shifters, mighty martial artists, and have the ability to make friends wherever they go. However, they make for willful familiars and will likely refuse to do your bidding if asked outright. The best tack to take with capuchins is to act like a sitcom parent and convince them to do what you want by means of reverse psychology. These monkeys are also accomplished tool users and can even help put together IKEA furniture, although they almost never follow the directions and will get frustrated and storm off if you try to politely correct them. Through popular fiction, it is well known that a severed and mummified monkey’s paw has the ability to grant wishes. What is less well understood is the fact that live monkeys contain much more magical potential than their sad, severed portions do.

29

Capybara

SOCIABLE RIVER DWELLER

W I T C H E S W HO LOV E A P O OL PART Y PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT

  Water

STAR SIGN   Pisces

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Cap’n ·· Coricopat ·· Violet ·· Vinegar Tom ·· Pelé ·· Puppy

STRENGTHS

·· Water Spells ·· Empathic Magic ·· Cuddling

WEAKNESSES

·· Loneliness ·· Moodiness ·· Scurvy

Should you wish to commune with river spirits and need a familiar to intercede on your behalf, look no further than a capybara. These giant, watermanipulating rodents can adjust tides, currents, and even part seas (but only small ones). Capybaras are social creatures. When you take on a capybara familiar, we recommend you adopt a second capybara as well, with whom your familiar can socialize. We further recommend that you buy the two of them matching outfits and oversized sunglasses. If, for whatever reason, keeping two capybaras is not possible for you, be sure to make frequent trips to the Brazilian wetlands so your magical companion can confer with others of their kind. When not near a river, lake, or another naturally occurring body of water, always keep a wading pool nearby. Filled with fun floaty toys, preferably.

31

Cat (Persian) SMOOSH-FACE SPELLMASTER

W I T C H E S W HO LOV E T O FE AST FA NCILY PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Fire

STAR SIGN  Leo

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Grimalkin ·· Ondina ·· Shirazi ·· Bast ·· Grizabella ·· Princess Fluffernutter

STRENGTHS

·· Ailuromancy ·· Augury ·· Hairball Scrying

While all cats are magical, it is less commonly known that Persian cats are the most magical of all. Although they were historically sought after for their luxurious coats and calm demeanor, over the centuries human breeders accidentally also created a genetic line of short-nosed super magi. These mystical virtuosos can see the future in the patterns created by birds in flight, and also in the kibble spilled outside the bowl—no wonder they keep asking for more. This researcher was informed by a puss named Brioche that Persian cats have a saying: “The flatter the face, the closer to the Goddess.” But, as Persian cats are also notorious liars, this must be accepted with a grain of salt.

WEAKNESSES

·· Pride ·· Prejudice ·· Dingleberries

33

Catfish MUDDY MEDIUM

W I T C H E S W HO OW N WADE RS

PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT

  Water

STAR SIGN Scorpio

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Aristotle ·· Noodle ·· Kitty ·· Remy ·· Abe ·· Finney

STRENGTHS

·· Necromancy ·· Mud Scrying ·· Identity

Concealment

WEAKNESSES

·· Travel ·· Peanut Butter ·· Engaging Conversation

Unlike most of the creatures mentioned in this guide, a catfish familiar cannot accompany its witch on adventures (even with a suitably sized aquarium and method of transport), as its power is tied inextricably to the river, pond, or cave in which it lives. Though the specific areas of magical expertise vary slightly with the species of catfish, most are able to peer through the mud of their watery domains into the underworld and communicate with the dead. Catfish like to be rewarded for their insights with treats (especially peanut butter and jelly sammies), but be wary of what you introduce to their water, as their bodies are covered in taste buds and some tastes take forever to get rid of. It is said that if you stroke a catfish’s upper-left barbel three times and then create a fake email account and change all of your profile pictures, you can effectively conceal your identity on the internet.

35

Chicken PROUD FOWL

W I T C H E S W HO BAK E T H E IR OW N BR E AD F R OM S CRAT CH PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Air

STAR SIGN   Libra

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Titania ·· Camilla ·· Basan ·· Gullinkambi ·· Chanticleer ·· Penny

Despite their image of bland domesticity, every chicken holds the heart of a dinosaur, the soul of a shaman, and the gizzard of a slightly larger and more intimidating bird. They can read the future in a scattering of corn, strike terror into their foes with a single flick of their comb, and unearth eldritch knowledge with no more difficulty than it takes to find a morning worm. Important: Please do not kiss your chicken familiar, as there is a very real risk of contracting salmonella.

STRENGTHS

·· Scratching ·· Intimidation ·· Banishing Evil Spirits

WEAKNESSES

·· Mites ·· Foxes ·· Road Crossing

37

Cicada

ONCE AND FUTURE FRIEND

W I T C H E S W HO LOV E SU M M E R N IGH T S PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Air

STAR SIGN

  Gemini

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Shaun ·· Puck ·· Moses ·· J. Alfred Cicada ·· Samsa ·· Pharaoh

STRENGTHS

·· Brooding ·· Regenerating ·· Singing

In addition to several well-chronicled periodic generations of cicadas in the United States, there’s a mysterious lost group, sometimes known as the Lost Brood or Brood Omega. While up to 17 years is standard for a cicada hibernation period, the cicadas of Brood Omega only arise every 289 to 306 years. All cicadas possess a modest ability to predict the weather and foretell doom, but the individuals of Brood Omega have powers manifold and uncharted. Plus they know all the best campfire stories. The most auspicious time to summon an Omega cicada is when you are an age divisible by seventeen.

WEAKNESSES

·· The Relentless March of History ·· Cars ·· Rejection

39

Dik-Dik TINY DANCER

W I T C H E S W HO CA N’T R E AC H T H E T OP SHE LF PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT Earth

STAR SIGN

 Capricorn

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Diana ·· Faun ·· Jane Doe ·· Jamara ·· Desiree ·· Dik Whitman

Dik-diks make fantastic spirit guides. When one of these tiny antelopes offers you a portion of its cud, take it and chew it slowly, and you will soon be graced by visions of other worlds. When quarreling with other witches, the mere appearance of these dainty diplomats immediately creates ease and causes tensions to subside. They are also small enough to perch on your shoulder like Long John Silver’s parrot, so that’s pretty cool.

STRENGTHS

·· Whistling ·· Agreeability ·· Peacekeeping

WEAKNESSES

·· Inability to Ride Most Roller Coasters ·· Frailness ·· Double Entendres

41

Earthworm SOIL-MATE

WI TC H E S W HO G E T R E A LLY E X CIT E D AB OU T T OM AT O SE A S ON PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT Earth

STAR SIGN

 Capricorn

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Azmodeas ·· Wriggly ·· Shai-Halud ·· Dr. Worm ·· Jim ·· Wormward

STRENGTHS

·· Crop Growing ·· Fish Summoning ·· Criticism Handling

WEAKNESSES

·· Heavy Lifting ·· Drums ·· Cat’s Cradle

Worm familiars are best employed in groups. Earthworms themselves are accustomed to living quite densely and are fond of neighbors (1 acre [.4 ha] of land can contain up to a million earthworms). While a single worm isn’t very powerful, groups of them can literally move mountains. However, unlike bees (or other creatures of a hive mind), worms are independent and you should offer an individual pact with each one. They tend not to rely too heavily on formality, but it’s still nice to offer a little attention to each one. Should a worm accidentally be severed in half, don’t worry, as it can regrow into two new worms; that said, these new worms are also autonomous beings, and you should at least reintroduce yourself and see if they need anything. Despite having no ears, earthworm familiars respond very well to gentle singing, and especially prefer ballads about soil.

43

Electric Eel DAZZLING DYNAMO

W I T C H E S W HO M A K E T H E I R OW N ZI N E S PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT

  Water

STAR SIGN

  Cancer

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Zeus ·· Wattson ·· Thor ·· Mr. E ·· Bowie ·· Flotsam

STRENGTHS

·· Thunderbolts ·· Static Shock ·· Glamour

While electric eels aren’t actually eels, they’re definitely electric! It’s commonly known that these bioelectric fish are the undisputed masters of lightning, but you may be surprised to learn that they are also talented illusionists. They can cast a glamour over others, allowing them to appear as anything, although they refuse to alter their own appearance. Why—this researcher wondered—if they could look like anything, would they still choose to look like this? When I recently posited this question to an eel, I was told to “check [my] fascist beauty standards,” which I acknowledge was a fair point.

WEAKNESSES

·· Dry Land ·· Suffering Fools ·· Orinoco Flow

45

Flying Fox FRIENDLY FRUGIVORE

W I T C H E S W HO OW N BL AC K L AC E PAR AS OLS PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Air

STAR SIGN   Libra

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Camazotz ·· Strauss ·· Morrissey ·· Tepes ·· Stellaluna ·· Adam West

With familiars—as with life—bigger isn’t always better. That said, these largest of bats may also be the best of bats. Though they lack the ability to echolocate, they make up for it with other senses lacked by their brethren. Their well-developed eyes can easily see light in near-total darkness, as well as ghosts, and occasionally, visions of the near future. Also, think about how much goth cred you’d rack up by rolling into the club with a bat with a 5 foot [1.5 m] wingspan. Eat your heart out, Peter Murphy!

STRENGTHS

·· Keen Sight ·· Long Life ·· Fruit Arrangements

WEAKNESSES

·· Misunderstandings ·· Rabies ·· Constant Hunger

47

Harbor Seal AQUATIC PLAYMATE

W I T C H E S W HO P R E F E R T H E I R S OU P I N A BR E A D B OW L PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Fire

STAR SIGN

  Sagittarius

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Selkie ·· Selkolla ·· Ariel ·· Dogberry ·· Merra ·· Circe

You might think that life with a seal familiar would be all ocean fun and games . . . . . . and you would totally be right! We’re not even sure what else to say here. Seals are just the best!

STRENGTHS

·· Playing ·· Swimming ·· Calming Storms

WEAKNESSES

·· Orcas ·· Boredom ·· Salty Snoots

49

Hedgehog RUSTIC DEFENDER

HEDGE WITCHES

PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT Earth

STAR SIGN  Taurus

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Douglas ·· Hoggle ·· Needlepig ·· Spiny ·· Amy Rose ·· Tansy

STRENGTHS

·· Stealth ·· Defensive Magic ·· Tea Preparation

WEAKNESSES

·· Owls ·· Technology ·· Prone to Obesity

Hedgehogs are gentle souls, and never attack others unless driven by absolute necessity. They are, however, masters of defensive magic. Most hedgehogs—even the smallest hoglets—know at least a few simple cantrips to dispel predators, counteract poisons, and reinforce burrow walls. In addition to these talents, hedgehog familiars are able to perform an unusual type of alchemy within their own body, wherein they consume naturally occurring toxins and produce a magic elixir in the form of foamy white saliva. Any witch anointed with this magical spittle will enjoy good luck in their spellcasting for hours, and possibly even days! Hedgehog familiars also love to be rewarded with gold rings. No one knows exactly why, or what use they could possibly have for the gold, but they just love them so much!

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Hippo

HUNGRY-HUNGRY JUGGERNAUT

W I T C H E S W HO ADORE R I V E R M U D FAC E MA S K S PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT

  Water

STAR SIGN

  Cancer

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Taweret ·· Fiona ·· Adhela ·· Behemoth ·· Maya ·· Justine

STRENGTHS

·· Huge ·· Quick to Act ·· Basically Unstoppable

Hippopotamuses are difficult familiars. Despite being surprisingly deft on their four-toed feet, they are still large, dangerous, and unwieldy creatures. Furthermore, they aren’t terribly magical and are hard to reason with, even at the best of times. But sometimes it’s nice just to have a wrecking ball on your side. They also produce a mysterious “blood sweat,” which—besides sounding like a great band name— has magical properties. These properties include protection from the sun, accelerated healing, and giving the wearer the ability to hear the voices of their long-deceased ancestors.

WEAKNESSES

·· Huge ·· Quick to Act ·· Basically Unstoppable

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Hummingbird RAPID-FIRE CHARMER

PE R PE T UAL LY OV E R-CAFF E I NAT E D W IT CHE S PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Fire

STAR SIGN   Aries

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Mercury ·· Flit ·· Swift ·· Buzzy Hum-Hum ·· Lydia ·· Bolt

STRENGTHS

·· Agility ·· Monotasking ·· Humming

Hummingbirds make simple but potent spellcasters. They aren’t much for problem solving, and can’t hold complicated ideas in their heads (at least not for long), but they can repeat simple mantras with each wingbeat. This amounts to over four thousand times a minute, which proves to be very effective when performing simple charms. If you are able to keep your requests simple and maintain a store of sugar water for quick energy replenishment, you could do a heck of a lot worse than a hummingbird familiar!

WEAKNESSES

·· Prone to Exhaustion ·· Short Lifespan ·· Poor Conversation Skills

55

Leafy Sea Dragon CHAOS WRANGLER

W I T C H E S W HOS E FAVORIT E C OLOR I S R AI N B OW PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT

  Water

STAR SIGN   Pisces

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Triton ·· Magellan ·· Kado ·· Delphinium ·· Ian ·· Falcor

STRENGTHS

·· Weather Manipulation ·· Chaos Magic ·· Flower Arrangement

Scientists have long assumed that the leafy protuberances of this seahorse-like animal act merely as camouflage, allowing them to drift through the ocean looking like just a bit of seaweed. In fact, their frilly appendages do much more. Sea dragons are able to see and navigate fields of probability, and with the gentle motion of their fins, they create water currents that— through chains of causation—can affect weather patterns all over the world. The result is less grandiose than it seems, however, as sea dragons mostly use this staggering ability to destroy butterflies with hurricanes. No one knows why they do this.

WEAKNESSES

·· Flexibility ·· Being Mistaken for Kelp ·· Psychic Attacks

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Lobster (Regular) WISE OLD SEA BUG

S ALT Y WITCHES

PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT

  Water

STAR SIGN

  Cancer

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Methuselah ·· Crabby ·· Polly ·· The Doctor ·· Phoebe ·· Ebirah

STRENGTHS

·· Scuttling ·· Crushing ·· Regenerating

WEAKNESSES

·· Ignorance ·· Despair ·· Rubber Bands

There’s a common misunderstanding that lobsters are biologically immortal, and that, if left alone (and not boiled alive by humans), they would live forever. This is simply a myth. Lobsters age and die, just like any other creature. However, lobsters with magical potential can have a natural lifespan of around four thousand years. Although lobsters grow and molt continuously as they age, once every few decades, they can suddenly and violently metamorphose and regress to a smaller, younger-looking body. This is mentioned simply to say that a small lobster may contain the wisdom of ages, whereas a large one may still be in its youthful wanderings. Lobsters have limited spellcasting abilities themselves, but they’ve been known to pick up many interesting bits of arcane knowledge while scuttling across the floors of silent seas. Also, who doesn’t love a familiar with big claws?

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Luna Moth RIGHTEOUS BABE

W I T C H E S W HO H AVE A MO ON C YC L E CAL E N DA R PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Air

STAR SIGN

  Aquarius

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Diana ·· Selene ·· Lilith ·· Metztli ·· Inlé ·· Astarte

STRENGTHS

·· Dreamweaving ·· Patriarchy Smashing ·· Butterfly Kisses

Beloved emissaries of the Goddess, luna moths are highly spiritual creatures. While moths don’t tend to practice magic themselves, a luna moth familiar will happily direct its unusually fruitful prayers toward your health and success. It may also be able to bring you sweet and/or illuminating dreams, simply by being nearby. Luna moths live only a matter of days in their adult stage, so your time together will likely be brief but beautiful. Curiously, all luna moths seem to love the music of Ani DiFranco. Their favorite album tends to be Not a Pretty Girl, but the song “Both Hands” still makes them cry.

WEAKNESSES

·· Getting Caught

in Nets ·· The Poetry of Jewel ·· Candles

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Monitor Lizard DASTARDLY DRAGON

WI T C H E S W HO I N T E N T IONA LLY S P OI L T V E P I S ODE S PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT

  Water

STAR SIGN Scorpio

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Chiron ·· Morgoth ·· Joanna ·· Smaug ·· Curt ·· Draco

STRENGTHS

·· Curses ·· Poisons ·· Withering Insults

WEAKNESSES

·· Vanity ·· Fire ·· Having Their

We’d like to say that monitor lizards aren’t the monsters people imagine them to be; however, it would be a fib. They are uncommonly clever for reptiles and are also cunning, ambitious, and usually selfish. In many respects, they tend to be more serpent-like than most actual serpents. All that said, if your goals align with theirs, you’d be hard pressed to find a more dogged and resourceful ally. Monitor lizards frequently have expertise in crafting poisons and hexes. Furthermore, the toxins present in their saliva can be used to create highly efficacious potions. As familiars, they would serve well any witch wanting to traffic in the sort of dark magic we cannot condone in these pages.

Horcruxes Destroyed 63

Narwhal

HAPPY HYDRACORN

ENFJ WITCHES

PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Fire

STAR SIGN

  Sagittarius

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Pan ·· Amalthea ·· Herne ·· Tangaroa ·· Aphrodite ·· Grace

STRENGTHS

·· Fencing ·· Clairvoyance ·· Matters of the Heart

Sure, everyone knows that unicorns are magical, but we are here to tell you that narwhals are even more so. While their thaumaturgic abilities are strongly linked to their horn, that isn’t their only source of power. Narwhals are also known for their mastery over love magic, extrasensory perception, and a generally pleasant disposition. Much like unicorns, narwhals look for kinship with someone who is pure of heart, but they aren’t concerned with that whole virginity thing. Remember: Narwhals roll with a crew, so plan on them bringing some friends along whenever you go out.

WEAKNESSES

·· Bad Vibes ·· Giving Hugs ·· Orcas

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Orb Weaver Spider WEAVER OF DESTINY

W I T C H E S W HO CA N K N I T A S W E AT E R PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Air

STAR SIGN   Libra

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Anansi ·· Arachne ·· Shelob ·· Charlie ·· Jorōgumo ·· Charlotte

STRENGTHS

·· Aesthetics ·· Stabilimenta ·· Calligraphy

WEAKNESSES

Spiders are some of the most thoughtful and artistic members of the animal kingdom, and orb weavers are especially so. Not only do they create the means to feed themselves and their young in the webs they spin, they also weave small, fatealtering charms of such subtle complexity they are almost completely undetectable. Even in these highest echelons of arachnid artistry, the charms of the golden orb weaver are especially effective. Some believe that this is because the golden color of their silk pleases the Fates, and so they are rewarded with especially potent magic. The banal truth of the matter, though, (as is so often the case) is that golden orb weavers simply practice more than other members of their family, and so produce better work.

·· Finding a Work/Life Balance ·· Dealing with Critiques ·· Being Squished

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Pig (Pot-Bellied) SOME CHARMER

WITCHES WITH SO M UC H LOV E T O GIVE PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT Earth

STAR SIGN  Taurus

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Theodore ·· Wilbur ·· Truffles ·· Precious Baby Angel ·· Jon Ham ·· Napoleon

STRENGTHS

·· Optimism ·· Snorfling ·· Hater Banishing

Pot-bellied pigs are extremely hearty creatures and are uncommonly resilient against disease, parasites, and demon possession. As a rule, pig familiars are only slightly less adept than their human counterparts at conjuration, transfiguration, and card tricks. On the other hand, they are much better than humans at crystal dowsing, defending against evil, and finding truffles. In any case, they are very agreeable familiars and will never try to make a witch feel bad about their shortcomings, so you should endeavor to do the same.

WEAKNESSES

·· Malnourishment ·· Prestidigitation ·· Carnivores

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Platypus

LOVEABLE ANOMALY

WI T C H E S W HO S E FAVORIT E P IZZA TOPPI NG S AR E P IC K L E S & P IN E A P PLE S PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT Earth

STAR SIGN   Virgo

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Bellerophon ·· Duchamp ·· Nomi ·· Patti ·· Sydnee ·· Duckie

STRENGTHS

·· Electrolocation ·· Telekinesis ·· Twenty Questions

WEAKNESSES

·· Running ·· Jumping ·· Tactical Planning

As mentioned in the introduction, for a long time, people thought that familiars were not natural creatures, but were in fact imps in disguise. Generally speaking, we reject this notion outright. Having said that, we can’t promise that the platypus isn’t some kind of supernatural being. Mammals that lay eggs, have venomous spurs, and produce milk, but don’t have nipples? Sounds unlikely. Platypi are, however, very pleasantly tempered and make excellent familiars. They excel in the psychokinetic arts, telekinesis being their favorite. Need that eye of newt or tongue of bat, but you are all the way up in your tree house observatory? Call upon your platypus friend and they will get it to you tout de suite! Whatever manner of creatures they are, treat them well and you will see your kindness repaid tenfold.

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Quokka

AUSTRALIAN EMPATH

W I T C H E S W HO G E NUIN E LY LOV E R OL L E R C OA ST E RS PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Fire

STAR SIGN  Leo

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Philemon ·· Rottkoning ·· Buddy ·· Eros ·· Ishtar ·· Precious

The talents of quokkas are best employed in emotional magic, and they tend to be less helpful in logic-based situations. If attempting to engender positive feelings in someone, quokkas can do most of the heavy lifting with a smile, even before a wand is raised or a cauldron fire lit. Generally, quokkas are only found in a tiny portion of Western Australia, and it is highly illegal to handle or transport them. DON ’T DO IT. If one comes to you, though . . . score!

STRENGTHS

·· Love Spells ·· Persuasion ·· Selfies

WEAKNESSES

·· Mathematics ·· Astronomy ·· Sudoku

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Red Squirrel

INTERDIMENSIONAL SCAMPERER

W I T C H E S W HO LOVE S CAV E NG E R H U NT S PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Fire

STAR SIGN   Aries

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Rocky ·· Tippy-Toe ·· Chip ·· Virgil ·· Mercury ·· Nutkin

STRENGTHS

·· Scampering ·· Planeswalking ·· Message Carrying

WEAKNESSES

·· Nosiness ·· Haughtiness ·· Ailurophobia

All red squirrels (both of the American and Eurasian varieties) are spiritual descendants of Ratatoskr, the mythical denizen of the world tree Yggdrasil. Y’know, Viking stuff. From this kinship, they derive the ability to leap between worlds and through time. Thus, as familiars, they are nearly unsurpassed in their capacity to serve as messengers and guides. When asking for their assistance, we recommend carrying a pouch full of hazelnuts, which red squirrels adore. Do not give your familiar acorns, though, as they cannot digest them, and trying to do so will give them a bellyache. We do not recommend forming a familiarship with a gray squirrel, as they do not share red squirrels’ auspicious lineage. Also, they are jerks.

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Shoebill Stork POLITE SENTRY

W I T C H E S W HO H ANDW RIT E TH E I R T H AN K-YOU NOT E S PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT Earth

STAR SIGN

 Capricorn

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Rex ·· Goliath ·· Your Eminence ·· Havisham ·· Hippolyta ·· Clogface

STRENGTHS

·· Decapitation ·· Death Staring ·· Impeccable Manners

Although shoebill storks might look like evil puppets, they are actually noble and sophisticated creatures, with long-rooted traditions in magic and a veritable obsession with etiquette. They rarely speak, either to humans or to one another, and instead communicate most of the time via an intricate system of courtly bows and bill clacking. Partly due to their anxiety about acting indecorously in front of others, shoebill familiars prefer to be left entirely alone (even by their witch) when not actively spellcasting, mating, or adventuring to recover mystic artifacts.

WEAKNESSES

·· Social Anxiety ·· Habitat Encroachment ·· The Color Yellow

77

Sloth (Two-Toed) LETHARGIC TREE MAGE

W I T C H E S W HO BRE W T H E I R OW N KOM BUCH A PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT

  Water

STAR SIGN Scorpio

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Twofer ·· Marduk ·· Hernando ·· Flash ·· Aergia ·· Mateo

STRENGTHS

·· Moss Speaking ·· Deep Concentration ·· Tree Communing

Sloths sleep up to seventeen hours per day and rarely leave their trees, making them poor field companions for adventuring witches. What they lack in energy, though, they make up for in an unparalleled ability to perform intricate rituals over long periods of time without ever losing focus. When forging a Familiar’s Pact with a sloth, remember to always also offer the Pact to the algae and other organisms living in the sloth’s fur, or else they may do their collective best to undermine your spellcasting efforts. Important: Do not use three-toed sloths! Three-toed sloths are insufficiently magical!

WEAKNESSES

·· Shadow Puppets ·· Hand-to-Hand

Combat ·· High Fives (too slow)

79

Star-Nosed Mole TENTACLE-FACED SEER

WI T C H E S W HO E XC LUS IVE LY L I ST E N T O P U BL IC RA DIO PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT Earth

STAR SIGN   Virgo

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Moliere ·· Starry-Starry Mole-Mole ·· Herbert ·· Copernicus ·· Ghastly Gus ·· Astra

STRENGTHS

·· Tunneling ·· Psychometry ·· Tic-Tac-Toe

Though the star-nosed mole’s eyesight is poor, a culture of meditation has elevated its spectral senses beyond those of most terrestrial mammals. Combined with the use of its nose star—actually an array of hypersensitive touch organs—it can form a remarkably clear picture of its surroundings, on both this and other planes. Star-nosed moles can detect any objects, creatures, or bad vibes that should happen to come near them within a fraction of a second. A star-nosed mole familiar can be extremely helpful in matters of fortune telling, and in other extrasensory pursuits. They can both amplify and focus a spellcaster's energy, making them extremely handy to keep around, even if they do look like funny little fuzzy Cthulhus.

WEAKNESSES

·· Near-Blindness ·· Love Spells ·· Word Searches

81

Sun Bear SOULFUL SENTINEL

SU N-WO R S H I P ING WITCHES PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Fire

STAR SIGN  Leo

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Apollo ·· Sunny ·· Goldentongue ·· Uriel ·· Milne ·· Honey-Bunch

The unusually long tongue of the sun bear contains magical properties, and being licked by one bestows a blessing that has been known to slow (or even reverse) the aging process. Misunderstanding the gift of the sun bear’s unique kiss, some unscrupulous spellcasters have tried hurting sun bears in order to steal some magic for themselves. This is not only ineffective— as the magic dissipates as soon as the bear is injured—but also, what kind of monster would want to hurt such a noble creature?

STRENGTHS

·· Tongue Twisters ·· Fire Starting ·· Honey Licking

WEAKNESSES

·· Night Vision ·· Poachers ·· Romance Languages

83

Tanuki (Raccoon Dog) TRANSFORMING TRICKSTER

W I T C H E S W HO AP P RE CIAT E A W E L L-C R AF T E D P RA N K PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Air

STAR SIGN

  Gemini

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Tsuki ·· Maria ·· Takahata ·· Danzaburou ·· Lilly ·· Hijinks

STRENGTHS

·· Flying ·· Shape-Shifting ·· Self-Confidence

The ability of tanuki to turn into statues is well documented, but that isn’t the only form they can take. They can also transform into shoes, parasols, teapots, mysterious old women with lanterns, bonsai trees, and computer programmers. Some of these forms may be more useful to your magical practice than others. Despite being associated with bad omens, tanuki are actually quite lucky. It is said that rubbing a tanuki familiar’s belly will bestow a witch with an outpouring of material riches. As always, please make sure to obtain consent first.

WEAKNESSES

·· Penmanship ·· Egomania ·· Getting Caught on Things

85

Tardigrade TINY TITAN

WI T C H E S W HO K NOW T H E IR WAY AR O U N D A M IC R OS COPE PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Air

STAR SIGN

  Aquarius

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Dotty ·· Piglet ·· Yogi ·· Merlin ·· Tickle ·· Mote

STRENGTHS

·· Reality Warping ·· Time Traveling ·· Invisibility

(to the naked eye)

WEAKNESSES

·· Hard to Keep Track Of ·· Infinitesimal ·· Very Smol

While tardigrades (also known as water bears) aren’t actually as invincible as they’re rumored to be, these micro-animals are astoundingly tough and can survive in some of the most extreme conditions, including outer space. They've even been known to survive in music festival bathrooms for whole minutes at a time! All tardigrades practice magic, and they use their abilities en masse, maintaining the fabric of reality by the force of their collective effort. Having a tardigrade on your side can be enormously beneficial, as any one of them can petition the Great Water Bear Collective to apply their collected demiurgic might on your behalf. Just be sure that your request is worth it; it would be a shame if gravity stopped working because the tardigrades of the world focused instead on helping you ace your driving test or whatever.

87

Thick-Billed Raven FEATHERED FILCHER

W I T C H E S W HO TOOK A BBI E HO F FM AN AT HIS WORD PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT   Air

STAR SIGN

  Gemini

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Jarodonchen ·· Dillinger ·· Huginn ·· Muninn ·· Bhusunda ·· Poe

STRENGTHS

·· Bone Divination ·· Dung Magic ·· Vocal Mimicry

While most ravens avidly collect discarded objects, thick-billed ravens have an especially thieving streak. They utilize their dexterous beaks to snatch up whatever isn’t nailed down, and are happy to pick the pockets of rival witches. While content to plunder just about anything, thick-billed ravens’ favorite items include bones, gold teeth, rare baseball cards, and seashells. It's said that if you hold your ear up to a seashell that's been collected by a thick-billed raven, you can hear all of Sting’s greatest hits, and also the ocean. Be sure to follow the Thieves Code if you plan to bind yourself to a thick-billed raven familiar.

WEAKNESSES

·· Impulse Control ·· Kleptomania ·· Tragedy Harbingering

89

Tortoise

DEDICATED DENIZEN

WI T C H E S W HO I N S I ST ON F IN IS H ING TH E I R C R OS S WO R D P UZZLE S PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT Earth

STAR SIGN

 Capricorn

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Morla ·· Koopa ·· Harriet ·· Fudukazi ·· Tempo ·· Snappy

STRENGTHS

·· Talisman Binding ·· Race Winning ·· Ancient Secrets

Tortoises live between eighty and two hundred years and usually only complete one great work during their lifetime. Their specialty tends to be talisman craft, at which tortoises are second to none. Their precision in this art comes with a disadvantage; even the quickest tortoise familiar will need fifty-plus years to imbue a single amulet with magic, and usually another fifty to bind it to its intended holder. Plan on having at least a few decades to spare, and remember: The best things come to witches who wait.

WEAKNESSES

·· Promptness ·· Rolling Over ·· Overheating

91

Turkey Vulture FRIGHTFUL-FACED SHAMAN

WI T C H E S W HO ALWAYS HAVE H A ND S AN I T I ZE R AT T HE RE A DY PA RT N E R S WE L L WITH :

ELEMENT

  Water

STAR SIGN Scorpio

SUGGESTED NAMES

·· Nekhbet ·· Toomes ·· Thursday ·· Raphael ·· Augra ·· Dizzy

Because of their dietary habits, vultures tend to be linked in the public consciousness with death and decay. In truth, turkey vultures are powerful healers and are especially effective at counteracting poisons and dispelling harmful hexes. Their poop, for example, is naturally sanitizing and is a key component in many extremely potent healing potions. Furthermore, their (mostly) non-magical ability to defensively vomit is surprisingly handy in all sorts of situations.

STRENGTHS

·· Healing ·· Hex Breaking ·· Digesting

WEAKNESSES

·· Bad Breath ·· Brittle Bones ·· Frightful Reputation

93

Who Are We? We are Megan Lynn Kott* and Justin DeVine**, a pair of paranormal zoologists and dilettante witches based in Milwaukee. We have spent years assembling this collection of facts about magical creatures. Wherever the truth could not be uncovered, we just went ahead and made it up. We trust you've enjoyed this jaunt into the realm of mystical beasts; if you did not enjoy it, wait for a bimulous night, place this book under your pillow, and ask a blessing of all the mites that live in your skin and hair. Perhaps, if you believe hard enough, the book will magically transform overnight into a copy of Walt Whitman’s Legendary Missing Chapbook. You’re welcome.

** Familiar: Haggar the Hagfish

* Familiar: Valiant the 3-Legged Corgi

94

Last Words So there you have it—our picks for some unconventional familiars to consider as you go forward on your magical journey. This is by no means an exhaustive list; there are more creatures in this world than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Keep an open mind and an accepting heart, and you may find aid from the most unexpected quarters. Perhaps you and a ladybug will go on many adventures. Or else a starfish may help you unravel the riddle of a sphinx. Always treat nature with respect, and be true to the one-of-a-kind witch you truly are. With sincerest regards, we remain, Megan Lynn Kott & Justin DeVine 95

Acknowledgments Megan would like to thank Patricia Wrede, Peggy MacNamara, and her first familiars, Bear and Dunedain. Justin would like to thank Douglas Adams, John Hodgman, and the creators of Wildlife Fact Files, circa 1994. Both authors would also like to thank their families, their cats, and their childhood selves.

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