Thunder & Lightning: 112 solutions to conflicts at the workplace 9783752683141, 3752683147

Table of contents :
Cover Page
Thunder & Lightning
Epigraph
Table of Contents
Foreword
Preface
Me and my colleague(s): Sharing an office – between honeymoon and War of the Roses
1 “Know me”
2 The place you have never been to
3 Temporary withdrawal – in word and deed
4 Classify: The levels of escalation by Friedrich Glasl
5 Take good care of this day
6 The photo in the drawer
7 Appreciation at the touch of a button
8 The “Ten Commandments of Serenity”
9 I-messages
10 The four levels of listening
11 If we carry on as always
12 The GRIT method
13 Analysis: The “two souls in my breast“
14 Accepting: Dissonances and negative feelings
15 Reality check
16 Gut feeling versus the “cinema in your mind”
17 Values and worlds
18 Shaper or victim
19 Hold up your thoughts
20 Making conscious decisions
21 “Royal Jelly”
22 The SUNSHINE Diary
23 Put a record on
24 I don’t know how to put it
25 The four levels of humour
Me and the boss: And the chief spoke – about specifications and sensitivities
26 The label
27 Short meditation
28 Thoughts are free
29 In the boss’s “moccasins”
30 Four steps to get started with a constructive conflict discussion
31 Wish list: Leadership at eye level
32 Feedback in three steps
33 Ask questions
34 Self-reflection à la tango
35 What goes around, comes around?!
36 Instead of “business as usual”: Understanding business!
37 Language: Always nice and positive
38 Emotions? Pay attention!
39 On “strength paths”
40 Hear others out
41 Occasional “ego stroking”
42 Your voice makes for the atmosphere
43 The royal road
44 The atmosphere counts!
45 Small talk – a small talk with a great impact
46 Diplomacy is trumps!
47 Ensure stress relief
48 Your body has a say
49 Structure, structure, structure!
50 The argument tree
51 Don’t forget examples!
52 Precise whereabouts
53 Here’s to the written form!
Me and the team: Herd dynamics – leaders of the pack, meerkats and lemmings
54 Your hand on your diaphragm
55 What says more than a thousand words?
56 A “U” – not an “X”: The “U” process
57 Thank you for the music
58 We are all different
59 “Peer feedback”
60 How does the team clock tick?
61 Music meets egos
62 “Strike!” for the team
63 Take a shower: In strengths instead of with water
64 An instruction manual for ourselves
65 About change and its “rooms”
66 Cappuccino or beer?
67 The security zone
68 Four lists
69 Walk and talk
70 About children and dogs
71 Meetings: Start with quality
72 Sitting is the new smoking – stand-up meetings
73 Meetings: Never better than with rules
74 Meet but prepare
75 Meet with a flash: The flash feedback method
76 Timeboxing
77 Meet but follow up
78 Pit stop
79 The four phases meeting
80 Performance booster
81 Different glasses
82 A silent greeting
83 Resources marketplace
84 Instead of treasure hunting: Collect treasures
85 Goals rather than problems
86 A speedy update
87 Smartphone organizer
88 Take a snapshot
89 CCC – The criticism and communication chart
90 Idea slam
91 Like at the scene of a crime: The eye sees too
92 The “listening circle”
93 Picasso as a “cross-functional problem-solver”
94 Gossip and tittle-tattle at its best
95 Pro democracy: The distribution of tasks after opposition
96 Pauses are music too
Me and the customer: The customer is king – How many spikes does the crown have?
97 The empty chair
98 Yoga nose breathing
99 The story behind it
100 The list of annoyances
101 Glass! Handle with care!
102 The customer AVEA
103 Here’s to the “explain bear”
104 The zoo of annoyances
105 The four levels of service quality
106 Life goes on beyond the horizon
107 The white lie
Me and corporate culture: The “dream ship” is a rowing boat – I think I’m following the wrong course
108 About the purpose of the company
109 Four levers to change a corporate culture
110 In the event of conflict: A concept
111 Fresh cells: The hallmark of agile organizations
112 Tips for a constructive error culture
Thank you…
Explanatory Notes
Bibliography
Copyright

Citation preview

Knowing is not enough, you must also apply; to be willing is not enough, you must also do. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Contents

Foreword

Preface

Me and my colleague(s): Sharing an office – between honeymoon and War of the Roses

1 “Know me”

2 The place you have never been to

3 Temporary withdrawal – in word and deed

4 Classify: The levels of escalation by Friedrich Glasl5

5 Take good care of this day

6 The photo in the drawer

7 Appreciation at the touch of a button

8 The “Ten Commandments of Serenity”

9 I-messages

10 The four levels of listening

11 If we carry on as always

12 The GRIT method

13 Analysis: The “two souls in my breast“

14 Accepting: Dissonances and negative feelings

15 Reality check

16 Gut feeling versus the “cinema in your mind”

17 Values and worlds

18 Shaper or victim

19 Hold up your thoughts

20 Making conscious decisions

21 “Royal Jelly”

22 The SUNSHINE Diary

23 Put a record on

24 I don’t know how to put it

25 The four levels of humour

Me and the boss: And the chief spoke – about specifications and sensitivities

26 The label

27 Short meditation

28 Thoughts are free

29 In the boss’s “moccasins”

30 Four steps to get started with a constructive conflict discussion

31 Wish list: Leadership at eye level

32 Feedback in three steps

33 Ask questions

34 Self-reflection à la tango

35 What goes around, comes around?!

36 Instead of “business as usual”: Understanding business!

37 Language: Always nice and positive

38 Emotions? Pay attention!

39 On “strength paths”

40 Hear others out

41 Occasional “ego stroking”

42 Your voice makes for the atmosphere

43 The royal road

44 The atmosphere counts!

45 Small talk – a small talk with a great impact

46 Diplomacy is trumps!

47 Ensure stress relief

48 Your body has a say

49 Structure, structure, structure!

50 The argument tree

51 Don’t forget examples!

52 Precise whereabouts

53 Here’s to the written form!

Me and the team: Herd dynamics – leaders of the pack, meerkats and lemmings

54 Your hand on your diaphragm

55 What says more than a thousand words?

56 A “U” – not an “X”: The “U” process

57 Thank you for the music

58 We are all different

59 “Peer feedback”

60 How does the team clock tick?

61 Music meets egos

62 “Strike!” for the team

63 Take a shower: In strengths instead of with water

64 An instruction manual for ourselves

65 About change and its “rooms”

66 Cappuccino or beer?

67 The security zone

68 Four lists

69 Walk and talk

70 About children and dogs

71 Meetings: Start with quality

72 Sitting is the new smoking – stand-up meetings

73 Meetings: Never better than with rules

74 Meet but prepare

75 Meet with a flash: The flash feedback method63

76 Timeboxing

77 Meet but follow up

78 Pit stop

79 The four phases meeting

80 Performance booster

81 Different glasses

82 A silent greeting

83 Resources marketplace

84 Instead of treasure hunting: Collect treasures

85 Goals rather than problems

86 A speedy update

87 Smartphone organizer

88 Take a snapshot

89 CCC – The criticism and communication chart

90 Idea slam

91 Like at the scene of a crime: The eye sees too

92 The “listening circle”

93 Picasso as a “cross-functional problem-solver”

94 Gossip and tittle-tattle at its best

95 Pro democracy: The distribution of tasks after opposition

96 Pauses are music too

Me and the customer: The customer is king – How many spikes does the crown have?

97 The empty chair

98 Yoga nose breathing

99 The story behind it

100 The list of annoyances

101 Glass! Handle with care!

102 The customer AVEA

103 Here’s to the “explain bear”

104 The zoo of annoyances

105 The four levels of service quality

106 Life goes on beyond the horizon

107 The white lie

Me and corporate culture: The “dream ship” is a rowing boat – I think I’m following the wrong course

108 About the purpose of the company

109 Four levers to change a corporate culture

110 In the event of conflict: A concept

111 Fresh cells: The hallmark of agile organizations

112 Tips for a constructive error culture

Thank you…

Explanatory Notes

Bibliography

Foreword

You don’t need to be a prophet to predict that we will have to deal with more conflicts in the coming decades. In fact, at all levels: with individuals, between people, in groups, in organizations and associations, in governments and international alliance systems. For, alongside the achievements in the natural and engineering sciences over the past two hundred years, we are now increasingly noticing the downside of this progress: the effects on the climate, the depletion of natural resources, intervention in complex nature processes causing irreparable damage, to name but a few important examples. These devastating consequences concern us all!

We are all therefore challenged to find fundamental and sustainable solutions to the various problems. However, this can only be achieved by working together, not by pursuing selfish or national interests. The most diverse interests, explanatory models and solution concepts will clash in the process. So we are heading for a period of time full of tension. In plain terms, this means that there will be more and more conflicts.

It is therefore of great personal concern to me to support people in solving their conflicts and, furthermore, to develop people’s ability to deal with conflict and to promote conflict resolution in organizations, wherever possible.

Although this book intentionally doesn’t focus on the aforementioned major conflicts of our time, it is nonetheless invaluable for it provides a treasure chest with many practical methods with the help of which people learn in an amazingly easy way to deal constructively with conflicts in their everyday life. It is by no means just a matter of a few simple tricks. No, when trying out the methods, it quickly becomes clear that even the best technique can only have a positive effect if it is supported by empathy and an attitude of respect for the

human dignity of fellow human beings. And this attitude is the fruit of true selfawareness and consistent work on one’s own recognized strengths and weaknesses.

Whoever tries this will be encouraged by the experience of the first, perhaps initially only small, triumphs to face even more difficult conflicts and to make use of the latent opportunities for development within them. When people gradually become capable of dealing with conflict, they can avoid resorting to violence out of conviction because violence can’t really solve the problems in the long term but only creates new ones over and above. I hope that these insights, attitudes and skills will also gradually rub off on the influential people in industry and politics and have them act responsibly.

In this way, these small stones can create the mosaic of a new conflict culture.

Univ.Prof. Dr.Dr.h.c. Friedrich Glasl

Seekirchen near Salzburg

Preface

“Ms. Goj, do our bosses get a conflict management seminar with you as well?” I have been asked that question quite often over the past 15 years. Almost as often my answer to the question was no because in most cases my job in these seminars was to train the newly hired employees, and not their bosses, in communication and especially in dealing with conflicts.

That is how the idea for this book came about: to bring together everything that each individual can do or prompt, even at employee level (!), when there are tensions in the office, with the boss, in the team, with customers or with the company culture. In other words, a book that aims to promote personal responsibility and also competence in dealing with conflicts in your professional life.

I experience it as a fortunate circumstance the fact that we all work in a world in which – inspired by the IT sector – hierarchies are becoming increasingly flatter, so-called work hacks and agile methods are gaining ground, which make our cooperation more flexible, more modern and more customer-focused. Because this development boosts personal responsibility and broadens scope, at employee level as well, and thus supports the core statement of this book. Gone are the days when it was all about waiting for a “top-down” decision with the right “wind direction” to come at some point. With all the current demands in the professional environment, any incentive that aims to enhance quality and performance should, in my opinion, be welcome today – with all the challenges that in particular flatter hierarchies and the related “letting go” entail, for managers too. Much is changing and needs room for reflection, exchange and reorientation with regard to identity and one’s own self-conception.

When compiling the “tools” I benefited from my twelve years of professional

experience as a therapist as well as from the fifteen years as a freelance coach in a national and international corporate context. Therefore, both meditative approaches and tools for reflection, prevention and simple action have their place in this book, separately and together.

Leafing through this book instead of reading it in one go is explicitly desired as is the creative use, exchange and combining of the tools from the individual chapters. Of course, there are no limits to your imagination!

The main thing is: You as readers benefit and feel encouraged to actually try out one or the other of the tools. As a result, you are likely to develop personally and professionally and in conflict situations you abandon the victim role and become more actively involved – a significant difference.

Cordula Goj

Bonn, June 2018

Me and my colleague(s): Sharing an office – between honeymoon and War of the Roses

It can be wonderful when you look forward to going into the office every morning. When the cooperation between you and the person or people you share the office with is simply harmonious. When you can “stand” each other, no matter how many of you there are, and can therefore easily manage such issues as the supply of fresh air at any time of the year.

In many cases things are different in the offices here in Germany: you knew from the very first meeting that it wouldn’t be easy with that colleague, that “the chemistry isn’t right” between you and that you would have a hard time ever taking to each other and “getting on the same wavelength”. As a result, after a few more or less half-hearted attempts, you only talk to each other when it is absolutely necessary. The boss has to be consulted for the airing arrangements and you can only really take a deep breath after work.

Sometimes nobody knows exactly how your first impressions came about! But you as affected parties leave the situation as it is because you are unsure or helpless as to how it could be improved. Thus the same communication and behaviour patterns repeat themselves again and again. The images and impressions that you have of the other become firmly established until nobody tidies up or questions the “drawer” in which the colleague has landed with you in the meantime – and you with him.

A reflection topic, which in such constellations can very often lead to the first “aha” moments and which has been around for quite some years already, will be explained here in advance: Projection¹ or transference² – both terms from psychology or psychoanalysis and thus from good old Sigmund Freud.

Projection describes the all too human process of attributing to other people unpleasant characteristics that we unconsciously (!) don’t want to acknowledge about ourselves.

If, for example, your colleague gets on your nerves because he never gets to the point: just see if this by any chance could also be one of your human weaknesses.

There are even more dynamics involved with transference: Here, for example, it could be that the “difficult colleague” unconsciously reminds you of your difficult older brother who always “teased” you. And, hey presto, the colleague has a “bad deal” with you to begin with.

It can help if you always make it very clear to yourself: Your colleague isn’t your brother. So he deserves the chance for you in the course of time to discover completely different, completely new traits and behaviour that have nothing at all to do with your brother. Maybe your colleague and you will even become really good friends?! There is a chance of that!

And now: Have fun trying out the “colleagues’ tools” in this chapter!

1 “Know me” ³

This first tool is for reflection only and has purposely been placed at the very beginning of this book because it is of such great importance.

The author, Peter Fischer, describes it as “knowledge about oneself” for top managers or those who are about to become top managers. I consider the competence of knowing yourself with your strengths and weaknesses as well as possible to be a key aptitude for everyone who wants to succeed and develop professionally.

After all, we all have to deal professionally with other people, colleagues, bosses, teams and customers. We communicate with all of them, with many of them there will be friction, at least from time to time. So it helps a lot if, for example, you know whether the accusation “you never really listen” actually has something to do with you or if it more probably arises from your colleague’s stress situation.

So: The know me, the self-reflecting never stops, you should always be willing to carry this out again and again even if it is sometimes tiresome or inconvenient. It is important to keep focusing on your own personality with its virtues and drawbacks. I am as convinced as Peter Fischer: This is the basis for success in your job – today and tomorrow.

I can acquire know “how” in terms of methods and skills and know “what” in terms of expertise all my life but know “me” requires a decision time and time

again.

2 The place you have never been to

When it got to the point again where you could have “hit the roof” because of your “dear colleague”⁴, then there is one thing you need first and foremost: Distance! And that in a very practical and real way! The best way to do this is to go to a place in the company that you have never been to before where you can be alone for a few minutes, even if it happens to be the cleaner’s room, the server room or the archive – it doesn’t matter! Because you won’t stay in this place for hours …

Take time here to take a deep breath and mumble the answers to the following questions, preferably in a low voice:

What things do I see here? At eye level but also down on the floor or up towards the ceiling? Describe them!

What sounds do I hear? Perhaps close your eyes: And what if it is a fly that has got lost here…

What do I smell? Detergents or disinfectant?

What do I taste right now when I quickly lick my lips? Maybe some leftover chewing gum or cough drops? Nothing at all? That is alright too because it is all about taking stock of what you perceive or feel at that moment!

What does it feel like here? What am I touching? It could be a server cable, a heavy-duty shelf, rubber gloves…

What matters here is that your whole self is occupied with new perceptions via the five senses and this takes your mind off what just annoyed you about your colleague. After a few minutes you go back to your workplace full of new impressions …

3 Temporary withdrawal – in word and deed

If a conversation with a colleague is “making big waves” or is about to escalate, you can counteract this, for example, by stating very clearly:

“I’m getting quite upset right now. Please leave me alone for a while with this topic, I will get back to you”. (This sentence of yours is considered your “word”).

Afterwards, you also abide by this, work quietly by yourself for a while or talk to him about other topics. (This action would be your first “deed”).

Behaving like this prevents further escalation but at the same time you aren’t postponing continuing the conversation “until the twelfth of never”. Moreover, you also protect yourself from any further comments from your colleague on this topic because you make it clear that you will get back to him and not vice versa.

It is important that you actually approach him in the foreseeable future and address the topic again. (This action is considered your second “deed”). In doing so, you prove that you are reliable and you earn “sympathy points” even if your colleague doesn’t tell you so explicitly.

4 Classify: The levels of escalation by Friedrich Glasl ⁵

If you notice that the difference of opinions with your colleague are hardening more and more, it helps to classify the conflict professionally with the help of Friedrich Glasl’s recognized levels of escalation : What level do you think you are at?

And what should be done or what measures should be initiated by your superior?

Friedrich Glasl recommends a different action at each level whereby these levels can overlap and each require individual assessment:

At levels 1 to 3 moderation,

At levels 3 to 5 facilitation,

At levels 4 to 6 sociotherapeutic facilitation,

At levels 5 to 7 mediation,

At levels 6 to 8 arbitration and

At levels 7 to 9 intervention.

This list gives an initial orientation for necessary steps.

5 Take good care of this day

If you find working with a colleague over a longer period of time confrontational or stressful, then perhaps this short text, which you can save on your PC and have available to read whenever you need it, will help:

Take good care of this day because it is life. The life of all life. In the course of this short day lies all the reality and truth of existence: the joy of growth, the greatness of actions, the magnificence of power.

For yesterday is but a dream And tomorrow a mere vision. But today – lived fittingly – makes every yesterday a dream full of bliss and every morning a vision full of hope. So take good care of this day. (Rumi)

6 The photo in the drawer

I’m sure you, like all of us nowadays, have many beautiful photos of your loved ones, whether it be selfies, holiday photos or even professional photos from a photographer.

From all of these photos you should choose a particularly beautiful one because this one will have a special place from now on: It goes into your desk drawer where not everybody can see it but can be taken out quickly.

Because when you are feeling really hurt and frustrated because your colleague seems to be against you …, then – and only then – you can reach into the drawer and have a look at this “first aid photo”. I bet it quickly has a positive effect on you!

Of course, it is important that you don’t make excessive use of this photo because that would “dilute” its effect; special moments of crisis need special “levers” but special ones that aren’t used all the time.

7 Appreciation at the touch of a button ⁷

It is quite normal and natural: If we have a colleague who is bothering us, we fairly quickly have exactly that in our head, heart and stomach when we see him: What he recently said to you, how he rolled his eyes when you made a suggestion in the meeting, etc. This is the normal deficit view of that colleague.

As difficult as it is for you to imagine, it is just as certain that even he has positive qualities and abilities even if these are of course hardly visible or recognizable to you at the moment because they aren’t at the forefront of your mind.

Ask yourself the following questions with regard to your colleague:

What do you remember?: What did he once do really well? Where did he perhaps surprise you in a positive way professionally even if it is a long time ago? One example is enough!

When did he once convince you on a human level? What do you perhaps like about him as a person – despite all the differences of opinion at the moment? One example is enough!

And then you immediately recall one of your answers as soon as the colleague appears in the office or meeting room or you meet each other in the canteen or corridor.

You are asking yourself why it should help you to contemplate the positive sides and virtues of the “dear colleague”? Try it out! You do it first and foremost not for the colleague but for yourself! In the long run there is a chance that this mental appreciation will benefit you most of all!

8 The “Ten Commandments of Serenity”

These ten commandments by Pope John XXIII⁸ are self-explanatory. Everyone may choose their “favourite commandment” or several of them:

Just for today I will attempt to live the day without aiming to solve all the problems of my life at once.

Just for today I will attend to my demeanour with the greatest care: With my noble conduct I will not criticize anyone, indeed I will not strive to correct or better others, if at all only myself.

Just for today I will be happy with the certainty that I have been made for happiness, not only for the other world but also for this world.

Just for today I will adapt to the circumstances and not expect the circumstances to adapt to my wishes.

Just for today I will dedicate half an hour of my time to my physical or mental health, relaxation, a good read or physical exercise.

Just for today I will do a good deed and I will not tell anyone about it.

Just for today I will do something I do not feel like doing.

Just for today I will draw up a programme. Perhaps I will keep to it but I will beware of two evils: rushing and indecision.

Just for today I will firmly believe – even if the circumstances are to the contrary – that a benevolent higher power is taking care of me as if there was no one else in the world.

Just for today I will not be afraid. I will especially not be afraid to rejoice in all that is beautiful and to believe in goodness.

9 I-messages

It is almost “old hat” to indicate your own position and/or feelings as such in a dispute or conflict. That de-escalates!

Even though we may initially believe that our statements would carry more weight if we worded them as “objectively” as possible.

Let the following sentence take its effect on you: “You attacked me!” And then in comparison: “I felt attacked by you.”

Which sentence sounds more aggressive, sharper? Which of the two is more likely to result in a dialogue and stands a better chance of advancing a solution in the foreseeable future?

That “absolute statements” such as “you attacked me” slip out spontaneously is completely understandable. It is therefore always necessary to practice alternative phrasing. Here are a few examples:

My perception is…

My impression was …

I felt that…

It sounded to me like…

I was hurt by this/your statement because…

It is important that this phrasing sounds as natural as possible! Everyone has to search a little themselves for the phrasing that is most right for them. Anything that sounds stilted or like platitudes learned by heart holds new conflict potential because platitudes lack candour and authenticity, which are both very valuable, if not indispensable, for constructive conflict discussions.

10 The four levels of listening

“Now just listen to me for once!” Do you know that sentence? Perhaps from yourself or even from that colleague who is “throwing a spanner in the works”?

Listening counts as one of the very basic and everyday challenges in communication – a challenge most of us believe we have a good command of. But can we really listen?

In the works of Otto Scharmer I came across the “four levels of listening” which make clear how much potential there is in high-quality listening:

Downloading: Whoever listens like this only hears what meets their expectations. Familiar patterns are confirmed. Further development? No chance!

Open-mindedness: Here my attention is directed to new facts. Instead of blindly following my own “inner judge” and his judgment, I pay attention to what differs from what I already know.

Open-heartedness: Here my perception shifts away from the focus on the facts to the inner world of the person opposite me. Openness for the perspective of my dialogue partner and an empathetic attitude enable a proper dialogue.

Free will: Here it is a matter of intuition and greater connections. For example, the feeling of being connected to something bigger can establish a special closeness to the person opposite and perhaps surprisingly ensure that there are suddenly a number of similarities in attitude or intentions.

Open-mindedness, open-heartedness, free will: This is probably where many of us can learn more, in the sense of “lifelong learning”…

11 If we carry on as always …

The “Consensus about the undesirable future” by Friedrich Glasl and Dudley Weeks¹ is, in my opinion, a strong lever with a lot of constructive potential:

This technique presumes that you and your colleague are already conversing with each other with the aim of addressing your conflict.

First of all, it concerns the following questions:

“Where will we be in so and so many weeks or months if we carry on as always? What state of mind will we then be in?”

“What specifically can and are we willing to do ourselves to prevent it from coming to that?”

Most often it gives you an additional motivational push to tackle the differences of opinion and issues that are currently causing you problems.

12 The GRIT method ¹¹

This technique was developed by Charles Osgood and stands for the term “Graduated and Reciprocated Initiatives in Tension Reduction”.

It is a psychological strategy for the de-escalation of conflicts which for the most part happen at an international level. However, it can be applied everywhere, even between colleagues!

An example, which clearly illustrates the individual GRIT steps:

1) Imagine you are a “fresh air fanatic”. You air the office frequently no matter what time of year it is. Your colleague Dennis, who shares the office with you, prefers a very warm workplace.

2) You now offer Dennis, “Starting tomorrow, I’m always going to bring lighter clothes with me so the warm office won’t bother me any more.” (1st concession)

3) Continue talking to Dennis: “Perhaps you can also make a compromise elsewhere (expression of hope for a similar concession) and I will likewise consider what else I can do.” (announcement of 2nd concession)

4) Even if Dennis reacts dismissively, for example, “You don’t believe yourself

that you will follow it through”, you put both concessions into action. In doing so, you reiterate the hope that Dennis will also make a compromise.

5) Regardless of Dennis, you add shortly afterwards: “By the way, I have been thinking that in future I will air the office for only 5 minutes in the morning and at midday and I will set the timer so that I don’t forget to close the window again. (3rd concession)

6) According to the experience of the GRIT method, Dennis will make you a concession at the latest after this third concession, namely one that roughly compensates the concessions you have made so far! For example, he offers you: “Okay, starting tomorrow I will give it a try with 21°C instead of 23°C…”

This clearly requires your generous commitment to begin with – but it can very quickly pay off!

13 Analysis: The “two souls in my breast“ ¹²

Goethe already knew this and put it in a nutshell in his “Faust”: Sometimes “two souls dwell in our breast”, namely when we are dealing with internal conflicts which can also arise, for example, when working together with colleagues. Let us assume that you and your colleagues work in a very figures-oriented company in which, above all, deadlines, the amount of accomplished projects, etc. is what counts.

One day you notice that one of your colleagues has significantly increased, that is, manipulated the number of sales transactions. You can’t believe it because you wouldn’t have thought your colleague was capable of that. Moreover, you immediately realize that you as a direct colleague in the department are also affected because the figures for your department are added up monthly.

You realize that you can’t really think of anything else whenever you have some other job-related topic in mind. At the same time you are afraid to talk to your colleague directly about it, you by no means want to act like the “big brother” in police uniform…

So what should you do? Speak up!

Make it clear to yourself that you aren’t the root of this conflict but just someone who is suffering as a result of it! The fact that you have a problem with what you observed distinguishes you all the more, otherwise you quite possibly wouldn’t

care about your work and what happens there … In any case, talk to your colleague about it and tell him above all how it makes you feel! If you are left alone with it, you run the risk of this problem gnawing at you and that is anything but healthy!

In support of this, here is a quote from Frank Richter, a Catholic chaplain in the GDR and one of the most important initiators of the peaceful revolution in Dresden in 1989: “Communication can go wrong, non-communication will go wrong”.¹³

14 Accepting: Dissonances and negative feelings

As banal as it sounds: disharmony and negative feelings aren’t only part of life on the whole but also part of professional life! Just ask your circle of friends: Who only ever had or has good times at work? No matter whether you are in your first job or are an experienced employee …

We often strive for (too) great harmony, we are also too perfectionist in this field and often unconsciously wish for heavenly conditions in the office! Of course, this can only backfire: We humans are too different in our personalities, roles, temperaments and experiences …

The modern work environment with its great challenges also makes demands on us, pressurizes and stresses us – if we envisage what the common abbreviation VUCA stands for as a synopsis of our working life: Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity …

Nothing is simple or calculable any more, we have to be flexible on all fronts – just the thought of it can make us break out in a sweat! The following questions can help you to reflect on yourself and thereby sort out your own feelings and thoughts:

How do I experience myself in my private life with regard to harmony in relationships?

What was it like in my family of origin? How were conflicts dealt with there?

How well do I know about myself that it is very important to me to please other people first and foremost?

If you realize that your standards in some circumstances are often too high – albeit quite unconsciously – then you can discipline yourself a little in this respect: “Relax, this difference of opinion is perhaps not at all as bad as it seems at the moment – these things happen from time to time, “that’s life”. And then the pressure, there should never be any anxiety, gradually or temporarily eases off.

15 Reality check

A sensitive issue: questioning people about a situation they weren’t involved in. After all, some people can’t and don’t want to open up to everybody. And, of course, not every topic concerns colleagues from the department next door!

At the same time, we all wear our personal “selection glasses”, in other words, we are never aware of all the facets of a situation – we would be hopelessly out of our depth with that!

Before we end up under too much pressure (and that is a very individual thing!), it helps in any case to talk to someone outside the job, preferably a family member or a good friend who has known you for a long time and is honest with you even when it comes to criticizing you as a person.

So first of all, think carefully about who might logically come into question so that you don’t regret your choice afterwards!

Then describe the situation and your state of mind as clearly, honestly and accurately as possible in order to subsequently ask your friend the following questions:

What is your view on the matter?

Would you have acted differently?

How would you have (re)acted in my position?

What would you do next in my situation?

Above all, this “check” can provide clarity about the extent to which you yourself have contributed to the development of the current situation and whether, for example, you will apologize next or what questions you might approach your conflict partner with.

16 Gut feeling versus the “cinema in your mind”

Do you know that too? You have been pondering for days now about what your colleague meant by this or that remark and hadn’t yet dared to ask him directly …

All of a sudden you come into the kitchen and who is standing there at the coffee machine? That very colleague! Following your inner impulse and quite spontaneously, you dare to speak to him: “It is great to meet you! You see, I wanted to ask you again what you meant in the meeting the other day…”

In the best case, the whole matter can be clarified quickly because it was a misunderstanding between you and you quickly think: “My goodness, and I have been worrying about this for days now …”!

If not, at least you tried and thereby got a conversation going – in any case better than just brooding alone and surrendering all on your own to the cinema in your mind with all its fantasies and reflections!

On that point, once again the experienced conflict researcher Friedrich Glasl:

“The most unusual or perhaps most astounding insight is actually that most conflicts could easily be avoided if we talked briefly with each other after a conflict escalation.”¹⁴

Our gut feeling along with our spontaneous intuition and coincidences can thereby be a good sparring partner!

17 Values and worlds

Conflicts with colleagues can arise especially when you are in very different life situations. Imagine you are a young, full-blooded salesman and are currently “passionate” about your job. You are happy with your employer because the company culture is right for you, he supports you and right now you have only one wish: to progress, “put your foot on the accelerator”! Because that is exactly how you dreamed your job would be: everything fits so that you often don’t consider your work as work but rather as an enjoyable pastime.

Your colleague, Tanja, from the internal sales department became a mother a year and a half ago and has only recently got back “on board” working thirty hours a week. She has been able to make good arrangements for her child, it is well cared for. Her parents and parents-in-law live nearby and yet she makes sure that she always finishes work on time, without exception …

You think, “Darn it! Our figures could be much better if Tanja would at least be willing to stay twenty minutes longer from time to time in order to help me with this or that offer … I can’t do everything, a little more flexibility would be really nice …”

At this point, the “values square” by Schulz von Thun¹⁵ can help you, if only with your own self-reflection. It makes clear that positive conduct always stands in contrast to adversely positive conduct and, above all, that there is a positive essence in every mode of conduct that annoys us about others.

In the case of you and Tanja, you are annoyed by the supposed lack of flexibility with which she leaves the office so punctually every day. Would you approve if

the good essence of this was something like discipline and reliability? You can probably totally count on Tanja in many a situation and are very glad about that. It could well be that a super-flexible Tanja could have “drawbacks” because she could sometimes be volatile or unreliable!

18 Shaper or victim

This is what the human species is like: When we suffer and also when, from our point of view ,others are to blame, we quickly get into the “vale of tears” and don’t even realize that we are only going round in circles, how many “sacrificial songs” with how many verses we strike up every day!

There is only one thing that helps: Get out of the sacrificial clothes and into the designer wardrobe! How does that work?

Just ask yourself a few questions, for example, the following:¹

How will things move on if I don’t undertake anything?

What do I want instead?

Who can support me?

By when will I have taken the first step?

What difficulties can I expect and how can I brace myself for that?

I bet that is a possibility. Do you need some awesome additional motivation?

Here you go: Ten years ago I saw the film “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” at the cinema. It describes how the protagonist suffers a stroke at the age of only 42 and from then on can only move his left eyelid. Of course, initially he just wants to die but then he even manages to communicate by means of his left eyelid and writes his autobiography together with his speech therapist!

I imagine that he must have had about as much room for manoeuvre as there is air between a body and a well-fitting wetsuit …

Fortunately, this is not normally our fate. When will we detect the scope between the demands from the outside and ourselves? When will you take the first step to change your situation?

19 Hold up your thoughts

The good old stop sign can also help us more than we think. Because it doesn’t only have its clear message for traffic!

Surely you know this too: Whatever hurt or offended you – or even what you messed up yourself – can sometimes be on your mind “forever and a day” – the notorious carousel of thoughts!

From now on you will just say “STOP!” (if possible loudly and clearly) and, even better, stand up if you have been sitting down or change direction if you are walking … No matter what you are doing: Make use of your body to emphasize this STOP at that very moment!

And then you should have a portion of “Royal Jelly”, see two tools further on …

20 Making conscious decisions

Friedrich Glasl puts it in a nutshell: “Conflict management is always a matter of strengthening your autonomous self-control”¹⁷.

Self-control means: You have a steady hand on the tiller. No one is forcing you to change course unless you want to yourself. So you can just leave everything as it is as regards the conflict with your colleague. You can just let yourself and the whole situation drift and make a conscious decision to do so.

Sometimes this is certainly the right way forward – at least for a while. Perhaps you set yourself a deadline: “If there is no change in the bad atmosphere in the office by the end of the month, I will talk to Max myself.” I’m sure there are success stories with this decision and it is worthwhile waiting. Such a deadline establishes clarity and clarity does you good.

If it doesn’t work out and nothing happens, then it probably paves the way for the next conscious decision: When, where and how do I talk to my colleague Max?

Get behind the steering wheel!

21 “Royal Jelly”

I beg your pardon? What is a dietary supplement doing in a book about conflict resolution?

And what exactly is royal jelly?

“Royal jelly is one of the queen bee’s main sources of nutrition and ensures its size and longevity. Queen bees reach an age of about seven years whereas worker bees survive only seven weeks in comparison. Once fertilized, the queen bee is capable of laying up to three thousand eggs a day. With each brood it can lay two and a half times its own body weight and manages to produce this amount of eggs over a period of five years. This ability and the high fertility is mainly due to royal jelly”¹⁸.

So it is a real example of “power food”!

In times of tension it helps a lot to remember a pleasant experience, at least three times a day for about a minute, which at best then nourishes us like precious food¹ – just like royal jelly:

Who praised me recently?

Who surprised me?

When was I last given something as a present which I was really delighted about?

And now take some time to remember, for example, where exactly it was that someone praised you, what time of the day was it, in what situation, with what tone of voice, with what choice of words.

You won’t become a queen bee – but you can practise feeling like a queen or a king if you practise this memory exercise regularly! Do you want to bet…?

22 The SUNSHINE Diary

… is likewise a great way to support yourself in times of crisis! Especially when the sun doesn’t shine every day!

The first thing you should do is buy yourself a nice notepad or notebook with a pen which will lie reliably on the bedside table.

Every evening before going to bed you should consistently write down three things that were good about the day, that you succeeded in doing, that you were pleased about.

Every day? Three things?

Yes, exactly! You will see that it trains you tremendously to focus on what is pleasant, on the little things that nonetheless have a positive effect!

Initially it might be a bit difficult but with time this little ritual will not only make your sleep and your dreams even more pleasant but you will have at least five things to choose from, three of which you will then write down. You will see!

23 Put a record on

They are just slowly coming back into fashion, the big, black, vinyl records with the grooves. Unfortunately, they are quite easily damaged which can cause them to jump.

You can benefit from exactly that: When there is “thunder and lightening” at work, you need a positive message about one of your true strengths, the same one over and over again, several times a day, just as if your record was jumping.

Here are a few examples:

“I’m relaxed.”

“I have got stamina.”

“I’m calm.”

You say such a sentence to yourself several times a day, then it will reliably reveal its effect.

Such clear statements, also referred to as affirmations, have a guiding power because they are clear and simple and, for this very reason, are capable of

motivating.

24 I don’t know how to put it

It is actually crystal clear to all of us: When we talk to our colleagues about our mutual points of friction, we should pay attention to how we express ourselves linguistically. Otherwise we run the risk of “adding more fuel to the fire”, albeit probably unintentionally.

What exactly can we do here, what “linguistic screws” can we “turn”?²

Describe in concrete terms instead of judging: For example, instead of judging: “You reply to my e-mails really late”, it helps to refer to a specific period of time: “This week you took three days to reply to me regarding the offers.”

Articulate I-messages: Instead of apparent general and “objective” statements, it makes an enormous (relaxing!) difference if we also indicate our own perspective as such: Instead of: “You categorically don’t acknowledge me in the morning”, it is better to say: “I don’t hear you saying hello when you come in in the morning.” In this way we don’t make our opinion absolute and leave a “window” open for our colleague, namely for him to perceive this very point completely differently. This enables a conversation at eye level.

Don’t present assumptions as proven knowledge: Instead of “If we don’t work together more closely on this project, we won’t be able to meet the deadline”, it is better if you put it like this: “If we don’t work together more closely on this project, it could be that we won’t be able to meet the deadline”.

Avoid trigger words: In conflict discussions it is in principle best to refrain from using the words “never” and “always”. These are words that immediately trigger off more “gunshots” like the trigger of a revolver and, needless to say, make it difficult to resolve the conflict!

And: Have you noticed how these tips are interlinked? My compliments! Then you now have a real “packet of screws” in your hand with which you can practise! Important for everything: Be yourself and avoid “stilted” language that doesn’t match you and your personality!

25 The four levels of humour

No, unfortunately humour isn’t a general “all-purpose weapon” for tensions and conflicts – that would be nice …

But surely you have also experienced this before: There is pretty much a “bad atmosphere” in the office, then something happens spontaneously which really makes us laugh and suddenly the tension has completely disappeared. Why is that? What is the power behind humour, what exactly is its potential?

It has to do with distance. Humour creates distance, distance to the problem, to the topic that has annoyed or distressed us.

One extremely good piece of news is: Humour can be trained! That is what a research study at the University of Zurich has been able to prove.²¹

Here are the four levels of humour that point out what it is all about in practice²² and which fields of learning open up for all of us on the subject of humour:

Laugh anyway

Laugh together with others

Laugh at yourself

Laugh at yourself together with others

About the last two levels: To overcome your own ego and, when others seem to be laughing at us, to react with humour instead of withdrawing and being offended, is certainly still a worthwhile learning programme for many of us …

So let us keep to the topic of humour!

Me and the boss: And the chief spoke – about specifications and sensitivities

Some time ago a well-known DIY store advertised that you should “sweat it out” when the boss shouts. The advertising poster shows a very muscular man grabbing a spade and his beads of sweat flying in all directions.

That is certainly also a means of letting off steam when your boss has behaved badly in an emotional outburst. But unfortunately, the spade isn’t immediately available in the office or at the workplace. So it can help to have other tools at your disposal that are immediately available.

Of course, fortunately not all bosses are screamers! In any case they are also always individuals who have better days and worse days; who have more or less learned to express their appreciation to their employees; who know themselves better or less well and who aren’t always able to reflect well on their conduct.

Moreover: In times of “new work” and digitalization, the position of bosses is going through a radical change. Power for its own sake, an unreflective, egocentric manner and exclusive top-down authority actually belong to the past and aren’t what attracts young and good employees. Many fields of work nowadays have become so complex and challenging that only a good team can overcome them, in other words, with efficiency and with authority that is shouldered by several employees²³. And managers shouldn’t only see their employees as workers but as a whole person who, in addition to their work, in most cases also have a family and hobbies as well as other private interests.

This mindset still hasn’t sunk in with many bosses, some are hopelessly out of their depth and – consciously or unconsciously – cling to traditional behaviour patterns, privileges and values.

As a result, you as employees are particularly challenged as well these days, in my opinion. Because in conflict situations with your boss, it is a question of contributing to finding the way forward together, of engaging in conversation about specific topics, of keeping in contact and of working on solutions. After all, dialogue is absolutely essential for every form of cooperation, isn’t it?

I would like for the following solutions to come in useful in the dialogue with your boss.

26 The label

If you suffer from a boss who, in your opinion, keeps taking himself too seriously, just try in such a specific situation to literally visualize, with the power of your imagination, a self-adhesive label on his forehead. It says:

“Important comes from gnome.” (German: Wichtig kommt von Wicht)

Sometimes our imagination helps to knock authorities off their pedestal without us actually overthrowing them! And bosses are at least one level above you in the hierarchy and also “have the upper hand”. At least in your imagination you can create an imaginary equal footing – and chuckling is explicitly allowed and helps here (see “The four levels of humour”, solution 25).

27 Short meditation

If you have a boss who is currently giving you a hard time, you should get into the habit of doing some kind of meditation or relaxation technique that you can always make use of whenever there have yet again been tensions. It should be a technique that you can best apply “at the touch of a button”, no matter where you are at work and what you want to do next.

Here is a little story²⁴: When people asked a Zen master for the secret of his fulfilled life, he said, “When I stand, I stand; when I walk, I walk; when I eat, I eat …”. Then his guests interrupted him and said: “That is nothing new, we do all of that too. You must have a secret over and above that.” He looked at them calmly: “When I stand, I stand; when I walk, I walk; when I eat, I eat…” Then his listeners got angry and shouted: “You have already told us that. We do all of that too.” But the master said, “Only those who don’t know themselves can talk like that. Watch yourselves: When you sit, you are already standing up again; when you stand, you are already running; and when you run, you are already at the finishing line.

So: Short meditation can include consciously putting one foot in front of the other in the corridor on the way from the meeting room to the office: How does the floor feel, how does my foot roll in my shoe?

Or, when eating in the canteen, to consciously chew and taste the food: What spices do I taste? What does the consistency of my bite to eat feel like?

28 Thoughts are free

Don’t worry, you don’t have to sing out loud now! People in past centuries already knew and experienced that it can be difficult with the “gentlemen superiors”! And they found their own answers…

These lyrics were written at the end of the 18th century when many people suffered from the oppression of the absolutist rulers and longed for freedom²⁵:

Thoughts are free, who can guess them? They fly by like shadows in the night. No one can know them, no huntsman can shoot them with powder and shot. Thoughts are free!

And if I’m imprisoned in a dark dungeon, I will mock the torment and the deeds of mankind; for my thoughts will tear the barriers and walls apart: Thoughts are free!

So I will forsake my sorrows evermore and whimsies will trouble me no more. Indeed you can laugh and jest from the heart at all times and think therewith: Thoughts are free!

(Folk song, ca. 1790, arranged by Hoffmann von Fallersleben, 1841)

Perhaps when your boss is being a difficult character, you can occasionally whistle this little song? You just need to think of the lyrics …!

29 In the boss’s “moccasins”

Yes, you read it correctly: Putting on the boss’s “glasses” from time to time and taking a few steps in his “moccasins” can only benefit your cooperation! According to Felix Frei² this is the third competence that matters when you are being managed – understanding the boss:

What professional goals does he pursue and for what reasons?

What do you think your boss expects of you?

How realistic are these expectations?

What criteria do you judge your boss by?

No, don’t worry, you shouldn’t exaggerate and become an expert in “understanding the boss” but make it clear to yourself: He is also only human and understanding him helps both of you to work in tandem – him leading and you being led!

30 Four steps to get started with a constructive conflict discussion

Staff appraisals are common practice in almost every company nowadays. What should you do if you are already thinking about this conversation with great uneasiness because your boss often simply behaves badly? Perhaps the following four steps from the so-called “non-violent communication”²⁷ constitute a concrete method.

Let us assume your boss “shines” quite regularly due to the fact that he gets loud in meetings and just can’t control himself. The team sees it the same way but you are afraid to confront him together as a group. Then your feedback to him in your staff appraisal meeting could look like this, based on these four steps:

Describe a specific situation in which the bad behaviour occurred and which was only a short time ago so that your boss can still remember it well: “Mr. Müller, last Monday in the meeting when we were discussing the annual goals, you got very loud.”

Describe your own feelings in this situation, how you felt about it: “That really frightened me.”

Express your own needs or a wish: “I would like to work in an atmosphere without fear.”

Express a concrete and positively worded request: “I ask you to be calmer in such situations and to treat us more appreciatively”.

If you go about it this way, you will manage on the one hand to state clearly what the point is and on the other hand you, for your part, will avoid offending your boss.

Of course, you can’t foresee your boss’s reaction nor is it in your hands. But at least you have done what you can to ensure that something you can’t and don’t want to accept doesn’t simply remain the way it is.

31 Wish list: Leadership at eye level

Think once again about the staff appraisal meeting described in solution 30. In such a discussion with such a boss sitting opposite you, you can also express a few more wishes and present them to your boss, either orally or in writing. Here are some suggestions, all of them are from the two films “Augenhöhe “²⁸ and “Musterbrecher “² , ³ which were released in 2016:

More trust – if you give us more of a free hand, we employees will grow with our responsibilities!

More transparency – the easier we employees have access to important information, the better we can act responsibly in the interests of the company’s objectives – as entrepreneurs in the company.

Less hierarchy – we work better and are more motivated when you communicate with us person-to-person instead of condescendingly.

A (positive!) error culture – people and, by implication, employees too make mistakes, we don’t like making them though! Let us work on them together at an objective level.

Invest in us – everything that makes our work easier and more pleasant ultimately helps the company too.

32 Feedback in three steps ³¹

In almost every discussion with employees or about objective agreements, provision is made for mutual feedback between the employee and his supervisor. So the theory goes. I hear time and again that in practice precisely this mutual feedback is disregarded because other points from the discussion are more important.

If you want to prevent this, you can prepare yourself by suggesting the following questions about how to structure the mutual feedback, preferably in advance of the discussion:

What do we value about each other professionally?

What do we like about the other person?

What change in the other person’s behaviour do we wish for?

This structure will ensure that the mutual feedback remains constructive without important points of criticism being swept under the table and only an exchange of “niceties” taking place.

33 Ask questions

If someone asks me what the most important code of conduct in conflict situations is, my answer is always: Ask questions! And we all don’t do that enough, we are too quick with our own explanations and interpretations – and most often without realizing it!

If, for example, you feel hurt by a remark your boss makes in a meeting, ask an open-ended question such as this one as quickly as possible:

“What do you mean?” or

“What do you mean by that remark?”

In this way, you will get clarity about the reasons for and the context of comments, also those of your boss, and thus prevent the “cinema in your mind” from immediately starting to “reel off” and automatically lead you to “tracks” that your boss possibly didn’t mean at all; and which in the worst case “stick” with you for a long time and also influence and shape the contact with him over a longer period of time!

So: Ask questions, even if to begin with it takes some effort and poses a small risk because you don’t know what the answer will be. The answer will most certainly provide more clarity, in the worst case there is indeed feedback that we have to “chew over” first of all. But perhaps it will earn you unimagined respect from your boss because it takes courage to ask so directly!

On that point, once again the experienced conflict researcher Friedrich Glasl:

“Most conflicts could easily be avoided if we talked briefly with each other after a conflict escalation.”³²

Questions invite you to do just that.

34 Self-reflection à la tango

It takes two to tango, good communication between managers and leading employees also takes two.

The Swiss lecturer and book author, Felix Frei, speaks in this context with regard to employees of a “competence of being managed” and means by that primarily self-awareness. However, I find the term “self-knowledge” much more appropriate because it has less to do with philosophical contemplation and more with asking pragmatic questions over and over again about how each of us works and “ticks” in our working environment:

What motivates you?³³

What professional goals and ambitions do you have?

What are your limits and what are you afraid of?

Do you principally try to do as good a job as possible at all times?

What would you have to learn in order to be able to manage your tasks (even) better?

So, this is a cordial invitation to question yourself!

35 What goes around, comes around?!

In solution 34 you became acquainted with the “competence of being managed”. The second competence that Felix Frei emphasizes on the subject of being managed is social competence. ³⁴

In our modern, globalized working world in which complex cooperation and communication prevail, that is certainly another key quality!

How well can you be relied on?

How do you deal with criticism?

If everyone behaved like you in meetings: what impact would that have?

How hard do you try to address conflicts and misunderstandings openly?

These are questions that are always worth reflecting on – preferably on a regular basis and, yes, even when there is actually so much else to do. Why not together with colleagues so that everyone can give each other feedback? I bet that is conducive to your cooperation and the boss is pleased? Of course, he should best provide such opportunities at team events – but that is another matter …

36 Instead of “business as usual”: Understanding business!

This is also worth thinking about and, according to Felix Frei, describes a high level of being managed – entrepreneurial thinking³⁵:

How well do you know the history of the company that is your employer and can you narrate it? Why does this company exist?

What role do you play in it?

Which “screw” in the company desperately needs to be “turned” in your opinion?

What can you contribute?

They are probably (still) rather rare and at the same time highly valued by bosses: the entrepreneurs in the company! The ones who tackle things and don’t just “work to rule”.

Well, does that whet your appetite?

37 Language: Always nice and positive

Even bosses are only human, of course. If you are dealing with the type of boss who likes to succeed, who tackles things, who is spontaneous and lively, who values efficiency and at the same time is impatient, sometimes quick-tempered and often too fast and who has a sensitive ego, then your boss is the action type³ , a doer. These people often have a strong ego and are sensitive when they are criticized.

Correspondingly, the doer boss has a sensitive ego. This means that he is virtually “allergic” to criticism of himself.

So you would do well to choose your words wisely:

For example, instead of telling him not to fly into such a rage in meetings, tell him that it would help the team if he could control his emotions better. If he asks for feedback on his person, don’t tell him not to be so impatient but wish him more patience! If he tends to always talk big, then tell him to be more objective from time to time instead of stating that he shouldn’t always talk big.

I’m sure you can tell the difference?!

Concrete, positively worded requests is the language that your doer boss not only understands but can also best accept!

38 Emotions? Pay attention!

With the doer³⁷ type of boss, caution is, in principle, always needed when it comes to emotions, especially if you are annoyed about him and his behaviour.

It is best not to go to your doer boss right away with your spontaneous anger but to wait until your anger has subsided somewhat (unless it is something very urgent that really can’t wait). Prepare your words thoroughly and wisely by stating your concern as objectively and calmly as possible. It makes a big difference whether you just start spluttering spontaneously or make the effort to prepare the conversation. A few simple key points are usually sufficient. As far as possible, refer to figures, data and facts on an objective level. The easiest way to succeed is if you think about what you, or someone else who was involved, heard, saw or read – it is all about sensory perception. In this way, the objectivity of your comments is guaranteed in the best possible way.

39 On “strength paths”

Search for and find the strengths of your doer boss!

In the worst case, he makes it difficult for you to recognize and find his strengths, namely when he, for example, allows himself to spontaneously devalue ideas and opinions and at times hurts people in the process.

If this is the case, you and your colleagues obviously won’t be keen to start searching for your boss’s strengths.

There is only one thing that helps, whether digitally or in analogue form on a piece of paper: Start a list in which you note down the strengths of your boss! In the worst case, only the heading is there at the beginning! Never mind – if you keep at it, you will succeed in discovering at least one or the other strength, quality or talent of his or a situation he coped with well. What these superiors are often good at is, for example, speaking openly with their bosses and having the courage to be direct. Or, that they stand up for the team in no uncertain terms and shield them first of all from criticism from outside the team. Whatever you discover: Write it down, consistently and point by point. And look at it every day, especially when he has stepped over the line yet again, which can happen again and again with a doer type …

40 Hear others out

As simple as it sounds, it is difficult in practice and in everyday life: Especially when your doer boss is in a rage, hear him out and be patient! Because it can take him some time to finish what he has to say.

In doing so, it is important to make it clear to yourself: He needs this for himself and, in the process, hardly has the other person in mind, if at all, even if it is difficult to imagine because he is sitting opposite you or is talking to you on the phone…

Make it clear to yourself: Many doer bosses don’t exactly have fine “antennae” for the effect they have on others! They are completely at one with themselves and find it absolutely appropriate to explain this or that fact over and over because, from their point of view, every new (?) detail is important!

Profoundly, for him – and the doer boss is often unaware of this – it is above all a question of expressing his emotions on the subject of X or Y. That is the “crux of the matter”.

So: Be patient when your doer boss’s longer share of the conversation demands it! In the end, you will benefit from this yourself because your boss will appreciate that you hear him out – he probably doesn’t experience this all that often …

41 Occasional “ego stroking”

“Ego stroking” helps! Whenever an opportunity presents itself, praise your doer boss, even if the reason is only something small. The important thing is that you honestly mean it at that moment and as a result appear authentic and genuine. Yes, I know, it does sound strange that you should praise your boss.

Make two things clear to yourself: First of all, positive feedback or praise isn’t very common in our German culture. A prime example of this is Swabia where the well-known dialect saying “Net gmeckert isch gnug globt” comes from which means something like: If you don’t grumble, that is enough praise.

Secondly, feedback is something that almost every boss lacks the moment he becomes a manager. And yet, as we long since know, every boss is also only human …

So: Why don’t you practise increasing your awareness of the small or bigger deeds of your doer boss?

The following solution will “give you a hand” with that.

42 Your voice makes for the atmosphere

Have you ever heard yourself speaking and know what your voice sounds like? No, not for yourself – of course, you hear yourself talking all the time! But what does your voice sound like to others from the outside who don’t get to hear it through bone and sound conduction?

Why don’t you read a newspaper article out loud to yourself and record yourself on your smartphone, that is a very easy thing to do nowadays! Don’t worry, almost everyone feels like a “stranger” to themselves when they hear their voice like that but this is the voice that everyone, except for you, knows and associates with you.

How do you perceive it? Does it sound loud or rather reserved, do you speak clearly, quickly, slowly?

What can help in a conversation with your doer boss is to work consciously on the intonation of your voice.

It often suffices to “take your foot off the accelerator”, that is, to take the pressure off, to speak more quietly – especially when your boss is already under stress as it is.

In one of her discourses³⁸ Vera Birkenbihl once very nicely addressed the great potential of the right tone of voice when communicating with stressed people: The “psychological fog” and the “measuring cup” that fills up with our stress hormones every single day need the right tone of voice if conversations aren’t to

escalate – absolutely worth watching!

43 The royal road

In solution no. 33 I already elaborated on questions, that they are important and how important they are.

This can’t be emphasized enough with the doer type of boss because the right question can prevent him with the sensitive ego from feeling (unnecessarily) offended.

Make the open-ended question the “royal road” in the communication with your doer boss. The following examples are suggestions for the precise wording of your questions:

“What did you mean by that?” or

“What exactly do you mean by…?”

“How exactly do you envisage that?”

“What do you think are the next steps for…?”

“What in your opinion is the best way for us to get to goal XY?”

What your doer boss will appreciate about this is: He is being asked for his opinion and competence, he is being valued and he sees that you, too, are accompanying him on the road to efficiency.

44 The atmosphere counts!

But perhaps you are dealing with a completely different type of boss, the feelgood boss. This is a person who very much values relationships, certainty and consistency³ . He likes asking everyone for their opinion and listens to the background information as well. Moreover, he values team spirit, is empathetic and understanding. He doesn’t like conflicts at all, accordingly he has trouble dealing with changes and decisions.

When you have a conversation with him, take particular care to create a good all-round atmosphere insofar as you can influence that. This starts with seemingly (!) small things:

Is the room your conversation is to take place in well-ventilated and/or warm enough depending on the time of year?

Is the room clean and tidy or can you still see traces of the last meeting or the team’s lunch?

Does your boss have a drink that he really likes?

Has the time for your meeting been well chosen? His stomach might already be rumbling just before lunchtime …

All these points will provide a good basis to structure your conversation in a pleasant way from the beginning. No matter what is on the agenda: It is the atmosphere and the feel-good factor that count.

45 Small talk – a small talk with a great impact

If you have a difficult topic to discuss with your feel-good boss, something that you already anticipate won’t be easy for him, start with small talk.

This may sound strange, especially if you actually have a rather difficult topic in mind. But it will relax him (and you too). And is there a better starting point for a difficult topic than easing tension? Think beforehand which topic lends itself to small talk: A general topic like the weather? A more personal one like the forthcoming holiday or (his) children? Make it as easy as possible for yourself by ideally choosing a topic that you can easily talk about and contribute something personal (!) to. This establishes the good atmosphere which both of you will benefit from.

46 Diplomacy is trumps!

And then it is all about language and the choice of words yet again: Be careful how you express yourself with your feel-good boss.

How do you do that?

For example, if you want to express wishes or demands, then word these using phrases such as “a little”, “somewhat”, “a little bit”, etc.

Subjunctives help too: “If you could let us know your decision a little earlier, that would be very helpful to us” is almost “music to his ears” for this type of boss! It not only sounds to him much friendlier and kinder than “we need your decisions earlier”, just to keep to this example.

Emphasize “We” wherever possible – that highlights team spirit which this type of boss really likes. Words such as “together”, “cooperation”, “our goals” pay into the same account and make it clear – consciously or unconsciously – that despite any possible differences, it is ultimately a matter of the nice sporting principle “all for one and one for all”. The boss and the employees are in the same boat! Much can be accomplished on this basis! And it is much easier for the feel-good boss to accept …

47 Ensure stress relief

When your feel-good boss is under stress, he may in some circumstances tend to withdraw and “swallow” possible tensions. If you know him a little, you will be able to notice this from the outside and, more often than not, you will know at least roughly what topics are preoccupying him.

If one of the topics that is currently weighing on the mind of your feel-good boss is one that particularly interests you, then take action yourself! How can you do that? Why not simply speak to a few colleagues who have a similar view and form a team of experts with them to attend to specifically this topic? It doesn’t always have to be about perfect solutions – sometimes a simple brainstorming or creativity technique helps you to deal with this topic. And then you process your results in writing well enough to be able to present them and off you go to your boss who you present your work to in good spirits!

Perhaps he will be surprised, maybe impressed or touched? You will only find that out if you give it a try!

48 Your body has a say

The acoustic language isn’t the only thing because whether we like it or not: our body language is at least as important as the language you can hear – and this also applies to the communication with your feel-good boss.

Make sure that you always look friendly and smile when you see him. Do you think that is overdoing it or not so important?! As if! Especially with a person who really has a thing about harmony – whether he knows it or not – a friendly facial expression is an essential element of communication. Smiles and friendliness have an effect! And a positive one at that.

If you are up for a little experiment: Stand in front of the mirror and say the following sentence with an excessively grumpy expression: “You want to talk to me?” You probably have to laugh straight away because, of course, it is a contrived situation and you don’t feel grumpy at all.

Then make use of your good mood and say the same sentence with a friendly, smiling face as if you were expecting an absolutely positive piece of news: Well, do you notice the difference? Perhaps you not only saw it in the mirror but also heard it right away! Because a voice that speaks with a smile directly sounds brighter – and therefore more friendly!

This way you already create a pleasant basis for a conversation regardless of the actual content and your feel-good boss will be pleased to deal with you!

49 Structure, structure, structure!

If you have been thinking up till now: No, my boss isn’t like that at all, he is completely different from the two described so far, then perhaps you are dealing with the thinker type of boss.

This is someone who doesn’t really shows his feelings and sometimes even appears slightly unsociable. He often shines with outstanding analyses, is very exact with numbers, targets, data and facts and can plan magnificently. He is also an expert on topics and strategies that first only appear on the horizon but can soon become important. People, on the other hand, are not so much his métier⁴ .

In principle, you are well advised to show that you are structured whenever you are dealing with your thinker boss, whether you are writing an email, talking to him on the phone or sitting opposite him.

How can you do that? It isn’t that difficult at all! Take heed of the following:

In your emails, always work with double spacing, bullet points and highlight in bold type. This way every email text remains clear, isn’t such a strain on the eyes and at the same time can be understood with ease – easy to digest, so to speak.

On the phone or in person, allow yourself to pause in good conscience in order to think about what and how you want to word something. As simple and banal as it sounds: pauses inherently structure our flow of speech – speaking and pausing alternate!

Wherever it is possible and doesn’t come across as being exaggerated: Announce how many aspects you want to communicate, e.g. “two things on that point: …” or insert an ordinal number in front of each of your aspects: “First …, second, third …”. This way you make it easier for your thinker boss to absorb your content and follow you while listening!

50 The argument tree

If you have a particular, concrete matter that you want to discuss with your thinker boss and you aren’t sure how he will take it, prepare yourself well by all means – of course, again, preferably in writing.

For example, the subject of a salary rise:

Consider exactly what your arguments are and in what order you can best present them: The “ace” at the end? Or first? Either way: What matters is that you think about what counter-arguments your boss could put forward for each of your arguments. It is best to make a note of each of these right after yours. And then you think about what you can reply to your boss’s objection and how you can invalidate his point – with this type of boss, be as objective as possible! And then you write it down again, of course.

It might be that a kind of “argument tree” is formed on your preparation sheet – great! Because a strong tree with many branches is well suited to prepare you in the best possible way for the conversation with your boss!

51 Don’t forget examples!

What will also help you reliably in discussions and meetings with your thinker boss are relevant examples.

Let us keep to the topic of salary rises: For every argument in favour of a salary rise, you prepare at least one convincing example that supports that argument. If one of the arguments for a salary rise is, for example, that your commitment is regularly above average, then take your time to think about on which occasions so far your outstanding commitment clearly manifested itself:

Did you perhaps play a leading role in organizing the summer party?

Did you initiate sports events for your colleagues?

Or did you take on extra responsibility as a key user in the introductory phase of the new company software?

The list of conceivable examples is long. The important thing is that you allow yourself sufficient time to collect the examples and that you also take everything that comes to mind about your commitment seriously! Attention: The “sieve” in our own head is sometimes merciless because it wants to let seemingly unimportant and poor examples fall through! What applies here is: Take everything seriously and write it all down!

Because: The more coherently and entirely the examples reinforce your arguments, the more logically comprehensible they are to your thinker boss and the more chances you have of achieving your goal of a salary rise!

52 Precise whereabouts

A clear and concrete agreement at the end of a meeting or conversation is also highly recommended when you are dealing with your thinker boss:

After a longer conversation: Summarize the essentials once again. Needless to say, you may take notes in the course of the conversation for this purpose. Your boss will not only understand this but also appreciate it! Ask whether you have understood the decisive factors correctly – your thinker boss will appreciate you making precise enquiries and how important accuracy is to you!

And then make sure that you make a clear agreement: How in concrete terms do you proceed, what is the next very practical step? Who exactly will take it and by when? In any case, put it down in writing and send these short minutes to your boss by e-mail or as a calendar entry after your meeting.

With this approach you not only reliably ensure your joint progress on this or that topic – no matter what, you will collect more “plus points” from your thinker boss!

53 Here’s to the written form!

You have probably noticed it by now: Your thinker boss likes it in writing! He likes to read through what you are asking of him in peace and quiet and also likes to digest certain topics and sleep on it. He is “not so amused” when he, in his view very unexpectedly, has to react to new topics in a meeting which possibly even drive him into a corner … Because spontaneity – and that combined with emotions as well – just really isn’t his strong point. His “playing field” is and remains without any doubt analysis and the factual level.

So: Long live the e-mail or the company chat program – the main thing is always in writing instead of “in passing” and just shouting into his office!

Me and the team: Herd dynamics – leaders of the pack, meerkats and lemmings

A team like that is a complex matter. Here, males and females, old and young, different temperaments, biographies, characters and nationalities clash. This is called “diversity”, it is really hip and promising as well if you have a look at the respective sources.

Of course, from time to time, there are indeed such strokes of luck that a group of people who are supposed to work together really want to do so because it simply fits and everyone enjoys achieving goals together and being successful. And there are teams that have gone through ups and downs and – perhaps precisely for that reason – have settled their differences in an impressive way and with great results.

There are various reasons why problems can arise in the course of a cooperation. It may be that a team member excludes himself or is excluded, that parties are formed within the team that work against each other instead of with each other. It may be that there are too many or too ambitious requirements and/or changes that a team has to cope with. It may be that the manager in charge is out of his depth or is simply the wrong choice. Personal crises and mental illness, whether recognized or not, can also take a heavy toll on a team.

In teams this is also quickly referred to as “harassment” – in my view too quickly and almost excessively. And yet, in most cases, it is just a matter of friction, tensions and conflicts. The question is often: How well or badly can a team deal with differences in attitude and behaviour? How openly may questions be asked and feelings expressed? How are mistakes dealt with? To what extent is it actually about power and “politics” instead of the agenda items that are actually the subject of the meeting? What is the meeting culture like? Does everyone find the meetings awful but suffer silently? How well do the team members reflect on themselves and their behaviour and are open to criticism and feedback?

Nowadays, a team is often challenged with a view to helping itself and to playing a positive and constructive part in improving the atmosphere and team spirit. This is not only much better than resigning yourself but, in times of flatter hierarchies and agile cooperation, it is also modern and in keeping with the times.

Sometimes it is all about little things that you can suggest or simply do. Have fun trying out and using the following forty-three tools!

54 Your hand on your diaphragm

Let us be honest: Even if there is only one person in the team who is really “difficult”, it can indeed pretty much dampen our spirits. Admittedly, we of course can’t always and immediately change anything or even change our colleague, even less so if we, for example, have recently changed jobs and are still new ourselves.

So, for the time being, we sometimes quite clearly have to manage our anger or our sheer consternation about such a colleague ourselves! And because such feelings generally manifest themselves above all physically, a bodywork technique can also help here:

If, for example, your heart is in your mouth and you are noticeably short of breath in your agitation about that colleague, put the palm of your hand on your upper abdomen, namely below your ribs. There you will “encounter” your diaphragm, that big, dome-shaped muscle that can be used – or not – for our abdominal breathing. Now press this muscle a little and you will quickly feel your diaphragm rising and falling as you breathe – super!⁴¹ This is exactly what helps in those moments of agitation: Instead of breathing much too shallowly and too fast, our hand on our stomach almost automatically helps us to breathe more deeply. This means that the oxygen supply is improved and our breathing becomes calmer.

55 What says more than a thousand words?

Sometimes teams are in dire straits, everyone is frustrated, perhaps for completely different reasons. This can then become apparent when colleagues are constantly sick. If your boss also has other worries altogether, then it is time for an impulse from the ranks of the employees. Why not even from you?

Why don’t you suggest in one of your next meetings that you find a common image or metaphor that fits the current situation in the team.

This is usually easier together than alone! You will definitely be surprised at the ideas that develop even if this search for a suitable image is only possible with sarcasm and gallows humour – never mind!

A boat that has sprung a leak?

A tree that no longer sprouts?

A country that …?

….?

When you as a team have found your metaphor, your image, let it have its

impact on you for a week! Perhaps there is even a team member who is good at drawing or painting and is willing to make a three-dimensional version of your image!

And at the next meeting you can collectively think about what next step or steps you can take to turn the situation into a positive one. Of course, you will keep your image in mind at all times and it is best to play with it linguistically: a “harbour” for the damaged boat, the first “buds” on the tree etc. …

And, of course, the concrete steps you have decided on – and there really doesn’t have to be many – needless to say, you write them down: Who does what with whom by when? That is logical.

56 A “U” – not an “X”: The “U” process

If the team you work in is currently in a really deep crisis, then perhaps the seven competencies, which Otto Scharmer refers to as “leadership competencies in a U”⁴², will help you. In my opinion, they are suitable not only for managers but for every team and its employees who want to achieve something and push things forward!

The shape of the letter “U” illustrates that it is first of all a matter of a few steps downwards or inwards before, as a logical consequence, new impulses outwards are possible and meaningful:

Pay attention and listen: This sounds banal and yet it shouldn’t be, also and especially when it comes to messages “between the lines”. It helps here to go to unusual places once in a while: a conversation in the church, in the underground station?

It is exactly the same with looking: It is about gathering new impressions and sometimes acquiring unfamiliar perspectives – not always just following the same patterns.

Be in tune with yourself: And then also cultivate “introspection”, switch on the “incubator”: Meditation is of course a great technique here – or simply tranquillity but then regularly …

Be or become receptive to new, creative impulses and ideas that virtually suddenly appear out of nowhere – yes, you can train that!

Consolidate means: Make concrete and also communicate the impulses and ideas that have emerged! In this way they can more easily develop a “snowball effect” and have a knock-on effect on colleagues!

Try out: Put it straight into practice: Where can we try out this new idea or impulse?

Deliver: This is about professionalizing these new ideas: Where else can they be useful, who else in the company could try them out meaningfully? So who do we introduce the new impulse to next?

57 Thank you for the music

If it is the case that you feel alone in your team at the moment because, e. g. you have the bad luck that most team colleagues have a different opinion from you on an important topic or a different style of working, then perhaps the following tip about these “hard times” will help you:

Think about what music you like listening to most at the moment because it really does you good. And you very consciously recall to mind this music during the day, you switch on your personal “radio” so to speak. Of course, you can also really hum or whistle this music wherever possible! Brain research has long since found out that our hearing is very directly connected to the emotion centre of the brain, the so-called “limbic system”⁴³, also called “emotional centre” .

Why not take advantage of this knowledge and turn on your personal “radio music” from time to time in order to stimulate your limbic system so that it provides you with pleasant feelings?

58 We are all different

… so they say in the Rhineland! A team in which there are a lot of arguments and friction between colleagues should definitely treat itself to a training course on the topic of different personality types! If colleagues know among themselves how the others “tick” and how, e.g. the thinker should best deal with the feelgood colleague and the doer with the thinker⁴⁴, this in itself can have a very supportive effect!

In this way it may be that, in the most positive sense, a kind of “team language” develops in the team: You could say, “Well, he is just simply a feel-good person” or “don’t think so much, please!”. And already you understand each other simply by means of this “wording”. The consequence: Conflicts and friction “objectify” all by themselves! It is simply more pleasant to hear your colleague say “That is just the way they are, the doers” than the variant: “They are incredibly dominant yet again …!

59 “Peer feedback”

Feedback is absolutely essential for every team that wants to progress and gladly apply itself to its responsibilities and goal orientation. The decisive factor here is that it is carried out as regularly as possible and how. Because one thing is clear: Regardless of the position an employee holds in the hierarchy: Everyone tends to have “blind spots” in their self-perception, that is, characteristics or a way of behaving that we ourselves for the most part completely unconsciously ignore but which make it difficult to work with us. The result is a loss of energy and friction for all those involved, further development falls by the wayside …

One of the most modern forms of feedback among team members is practised in the company “sipgate” in Düsseldorf⁴⁵ where feedback is called “peer feedback”:

Every week, five colleagues (“peers”) receive feedback on their work; at “sipgate” this amounts to about twice a year for each employee. The personnel team reminds the employees by e-mail when it is their turn. And then each employee, who is to receive feedback, chooses an appointment and invites three to five employees to give feedback. This is usually a mixture of members from your own team, colleagues in the same role from other teams and colleagues in other roles.

The feedback itself is about the following questions:

Keeps: What does the colleague do well?

Ideas: Where is there development potential?

Highlights: What makes the colleague fantastic and unique?

The results of the feedback don’t go into the personnel file and also aren’t otherwise further administered. Because the feedback is quite explicitly an opportunity for further development; that is the sole point here.

60 How does the team clock tick?

What can help every team in times of crisis is to look at a typical cycle that a team goes through again and again when changes take place, not only when the team has been newly assembled: the “team clock” by Bruce Tuckman⁴ .

“Forming”: Here everyone is still wary and particularly polite when dealing with each other because they watch first of all how everyone else “ticks”. The joint task is embraced, the first steps to implement it are agreed on.

“Storming”: In this phase the team members notice that and which initial agreements and behaviour patterns haven’t proved successful and explore new avenues. This can’t happen without tensions, of course.

“Norming”: Here the processes started in phase 2 such as parameters and rules with regard to the joint goal are consolidated. The strengths and interests of the individual team members can also be better taken into account because everyone now already knows each other better.

4 “Performing”: Not before this phase can a team work efficiently and effectively. In the best case, the acquired mutual appreciation and recognition as well as the trust that has grown in the meantime will help.

These four phases repeat themselves every time there are changes in the team, whether you like it or not! And unfortunately it isn’t possible to skip the “storming phase”. What is more: It is too valuable to be skipped! Because this is

where a team takes important steps to find values and principles for cooperation and thus a foundation for the future!

61 Music meets egos…

Don’t worry, I’m not suddenly writing a book about musical instruments! But this tool, which will now be discussed, fascinates me. And it is indeed about a musical instrument, namely a pair of cymbals that are on display in every meeting room of the company Heiligenfeld⁴⁷.

Every meeting there starts with the question of who will take the cymbals today. The employee who takes on this task plays the instrument whenever he has the impression that the meeting is currently only about one or more egos instead of a topic on the agenda. When the sound of the cymbals rings out, the rule is that the meeting doesn’t continue until the sound has actually faded away – and that takes a while with cymbals … If cymbals are too loud or, depending on their size, too high, you can also alternatively buy a clave, a metal tube that lies on a piece of wood and rings long enough.

The employees at Heiligenfeld already feel that the mere presence of the cymbals is sufficient for a meeting to run without a regime of egos!

62 “Strike!” for the team

A team in a crisis situation would do good to adopt the following “strategies for effective relationship management”⁴⁸ and to apply these very specifically in a crisis discussion:

Review your attitude towards your team colleagues: How benevolent is our conception of humanity? To what extent do we believe that, e.g. people want to play an active part in achieving goals if they are respected for their own concerns?

Practise self-clarification: Before someone in the team addresses a problem, he should start by conducting an insightful “discussion with himself”: What are actually his own needs with the problem in question?

Make use of a positive language of action: What have we observed or perceived? How did we feel about it? What do we wish for or need with this issue? Accordingly, what is our request for the future?

Keep in mind the goal of connection: Here it can often already be enough to make clear to yourself what the joint task consists of.

Practise presence: It is good to “align” with the here and now from time to time which gives orientation!

The same applies to empathy: In discussions, everyone should regularly have their “antennae” for the team or the colleague who is talking.

Train self-responsibility: If you are annoyed in a team meeting, first and foremost you yourself can influence your anger. Which of your needs was infringed upon before the anger arose?

Strive for a win-win strategy: If everyone can live with a solution or is even really satisfied with it, that is, of course, best. The above-mentioned strategies help with this.

Celebrate success: This is not at all about big celebrations. Perhaps your team could get accustomed to starting each meeting with a short story about what has just worked well. This is overlooked in almost all companies! And yet, such a positive ritual often releases enormous resources!

63 Take a shower: In strengths instead of with water

Even, or especially, when there are problems, a team is well advised to reflect on the positive, e.g. in concrete terms with a “shower of strengths.”⁴ :

To this end, all team members stand in a circle, a colleague stands in the middle and can also close his eyes if he wishes in order to fully concentrate on listening. Now everyone in the outer circle names a strength that they see in the team member, a talent, an ability or a quality that they value about him.

When the colleague has “digested” all the feedback well – please not before (!) – then the next team member can “take a shower”.

I bet that makes for a good (!) atmosphere?

64 An instruction manual for ourselves

This can also help a team to get along with each other better (again): Everyone writes an “instruction manual” about themselves, e.g. with the following content⁵ :

This is my style, e.g. I like to come straight to the point with things.

These things are important to me, e.g. efficiency and being solutionoriented.

I have no patience, e.g. for long explanations especially when I’m under time pressure.

This is the best way to communicate with me, e.g. I like to speak with others on the phone from time to time instead of only writing e-mails to each other.

What people misunderstand about me, e.g. I often convey the impression that a personal word isn’t important to me at all but that isn’t right. But I know that I often give this impression, principally due to my fast working pace.

When each of you has completed your instructions, you can hang up these pages as info or collect them in your cloud or …

And when there is friction and you want to deal with each other in a particularly clever way, then take a look at your instruction manuals once again.

65 About change and its “rooms”

A team that is directly heading towards a proper crisis shouldn’t forget to ask itself whether it is currently undergoing a change that perhaps not everyone is aware of. This could be the change of a direct manager, the introduction of a new business software or a project that has been given top priority at short notice.

These are all examples of changes that obviously take time and, accordingly, the team also needs time until everything runs smoothly again.

Here are the four typical phases, also referred to as the “rooms of change”⁵¹, all of which you unfortunately have to go through without skipping a room:

To begin with everyone is in the comfort zone until the change is announced – for some it is a shock, others face the matter with composure.

Next is the “room of defence” where each team member expresses opposition in their own way, some more extroverted, others more to themselves, with words or actions, actively or passively.

In the next “room of ambivalence” you still occasionally regret how strenuous this change is but you can also already detect clear advantages.

Finally, you have made it: The change has “sunk in” with everyone, they have all come to terms with it, “new ground” has been broken.

Consequently everything is good – until the next change …

It can be very liberating to understand that tensions in the team have to do with clearly identifiable changes instead of just having the impression that “there is a spanner in the works yet again”!

66 Cappuccino or beer?

Sometimes it is the quite simple things that help, someone just has to initiate them.

If there are tensions in the team, the following can be a start:

You ask who wants to go for a cappuccino or a beer after work. I beg your pardon? There is a crisis in the department and then you are even supposed to spend the evening with the same people who – at least that is how you see it – have already been giving you a hard time during the day? Yes, you read that quite correctly!

Because sometimes you just need a different environment, a different context, to get to know your colleagues from a different side than at work. Perhaps you even quickly discover something quite surprising about your colleagues? A common hobby, mutual acquaintances or …

And the beer you had together might automatically make it easier for you to work together the next day because you have also got to know each other better personally.

So, have courage! And the well-known rule applies here too: the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

67 The security zone

What is actually the secret of successful teamwork? The Alphabet company in the USA⁵² asked itself this question and found out: It is mainly about the way team members communicate with each other!

Here the most important criterion by far is security: “The team members […] have no fear of being perceived as ignorant, incompetent or negative when they ask questions or have objections. They don’t feel judged or condemned by the others, no matter what they say “⁵³. They work without fear and “go home every day with the good feeling that their contribution is appreciated”⁵⁴.

Of course, then the question quickly arises as to what is necessary to establish such a team culture.

The answer is quickly formulated whereas the implementation will be hard going from time to time – for everyone (!):

trust,

the willingness to vouch for each other,

respect and

tolerance.

Your bosses are challenged here too, of course. At the same time it is worth asking:

What can you as a team contribute today to create such a team culture at your place of work?

68 Four lists

If you have a problem in the team that keeps coming up and prevents you from making progress with the topics that are actually important to you, then it can be very helpful if you attend specifically to this problem, especially emotional issues, together.

Why don’t you try the four lists of “Dynamic Facilitation”⁵⁵. One of you or someone from another team should take the lead on this and also already have experience in moderating.

To start with, this moderator takes on the role of a “secretary”, so to speak, by continuously writing down the team’s contributions in this meeting in four lists:

Challenges/questions/problems

Solutions/ideas

Concerns/objections/apprehensions

Information/perspectives

As you can see: There is room for everything, for factual contributions as well as

for feelings, moods and worries. Please avoid value judgments because it is always a matter of taking up concerns in a purely factual way and not of evaluating or even devaluing team colleagues and their comments.

So, in some cases, four long lists grow and, in addition, an atmosphere is automatically created in which everyone feels heard and seen with their thoughts and feelings.

Of course, the solution to your problem isn’t there yet! Perhaps it will come about quickly after all the lists are filled, perhaps you will just have to put the lists aside for a few days or a week until a useful idea materializes.

69 Walk and talk

If tensions have arisen in the course of a meeting and many of you are sitting there in a bad mood but, at the same time, you are under pressure to make some more progress towards a solution today, then allow yourselves a “dose of fresh air” straight away.

In concrete terms this means: You go for a walk together for about 30 minutes and every 10 minutes you change your conversation partner who is walking right beside you! You may or may not talk to him about the respective topic in question – because distance to a difficult topic can also help.

That makes three different conversation partners in 30 minutes.

The decisive factor is: You get out and get some exercise in the fresh air. By the way, monks and philosophers did this hundreds of years ago and likewise benefited from it for their work!

And it isn’t a bad thing if the surrounding area is a grey industrial estate – unlike in Heidelberg in the case of the Philosophers’ Walk.

Because when you then return to the meeting room, I bet you will definitely continue in a different way than when you left? It doesn’t matter whether someone along the way already had a “groundbreaking” idea or not. You got some fresh air, just this once you weren’t sitting down – a good basis for progress!

70 About children and dogs

If you want to initiate something in the team that would fundamentally benefit the working atmosphere for everyone, then argue in favour of allowing children and dogs in the office.

Frederic Laloux reports on companies that have tried this out ⁵ .

There they have discovered that instead of the unwelcome distraction from work, something completely different happens:

Petting dogs keeps employees grounded and makes it easier for them to show their positive sides because petting the colleagues’ dogs, not to mention playing with their children in between times, promotes solidarity.

Those who have played with children and dogs during the lunch break are hardly likely to argue in the subsequent meeting! Because with children and dogs we show our loving and caring side more easily because it is always unconsciously clear to us that these beings need us and are dependent on us.

Okay, you can’t just quickly build a daycare centre but it can be a start to allow children in the workplace⁵⁷ if the nursery school is closed or the childminder is ill or to allow dogs if the dog sitter isn’t available …

71 Meetings: Start with quality

In some companies today meetings start reliably with a minute’s silence⁵⁸ to leave behind the thoughts and feelings that were still on everyone’s mind when they came in and to subsequently be able to consciously concentrate on the topics on the agenda in the “here and now”.

Others again consistently start their meeting with a short story about how they thanked a colleague or employee or congratulated him on something⁵ .

You won’t be surprised that this practice provides an outstanding basis for the atmosphere of this meeting and beyond! Here the senses for positive things are sharpened and appreciation – of ourselves and others – is expressed on a regular basis. In this way, confidence in the abilities of the people who constitute this company grows automatically.

Agreed? Then go ahead: Try it out …!

72 Sitting is the new smoking – stand-up meetings

We have all long since realized this: Too much sitting isn’t healthy.

So why not just start every working day with a round of standing up?

The IT company sipgate in Düsseldorf has had such good experiences with this that, since then, not only the development teams have a daily stand-up meeting but also all other departments such as the human resources or accounts departments .

During these meetings the aim is to distribute the current tasks: Who does what with whom? What exactly is scheduled? So it isn’t about a (pseudo) report to a superior to justify your own existence or job position.

At sipgate, each team decides itself on the time of day for its daily stand-up. Any colleague, who wants to drop in because he has something to discuss with the whole team, is very welcome here and can do so before or after a stand-up without disturbing.

Why should the whole thing take place standing up? So that it gets uncomfortable if it lasts too long, of course. About 15 minutes is long enough.

So once again: Try it out!

73 Meetings: Never better than with rules

When it is a question of how many and which rules a team wants to have for meetings, teams are individually very different.

Here are a few suggestions ¹ – exactly a handful:

Confidentiality: Personal information remains in the meeting room!

Everyone plays an active part!

The Butler rule: Everybody helps everybody else (with wording and in general)

The 30-second rule: Keep it short!

Only one person talks – the others listen!

You try out your rules as part of a pilot phase, e.g. for four weeks. At the first meeting after these four weeks, you clarify which rules have proved successful and which ones you want to remove or replace.

74 Meet but prepare

As much as this statement “Meet but prepare” can be annoying because of its practical consequences: Preparing team meetings can make them so much more efficient and therefore more enjoyable! Everybody knows that, we just have to keep practising to overcome our “lack of willpower”.

Here is a clear checklist as a recommendation for meeting preparation ²:

Who is coming?

What should be achieved (goals, intentions, interests)?

Where is the meeting taking place (venue and rooms)?

From when till when is it taking place?

What documents and materials are required and who is bringing them?

Who is documenting or writing the minutes?

Who will ensure that those who can’t attend are briefed?

75 Meet with a flash: The flash feedback method ³

Should you have the impression that the mood of several colleagues in the meeting has just got really bad, then the flash feedback method will help you:

Each colleague in turn is given the microphone as it were and has the opportunity to express his personal opinion and feeling about the current situation in the meeting. You should note down this “flash feedback” on moderation cards or on a flip chart and make it visible to everyone. This way nothing is swept under the table, there are no taboos.

It is important to note that spontaneous objections, comments and justifications from the other colleagues aren’t allowed! This is best managed by your moderator who you appoint for the flash feedback unless he has already been appointed for the whole meeting.

Following this round table you can look together at how you want to proceed further: pick out a point of view expressed in the flash feedback and continue working on it? Adjourn? Postpone?

You will certainly find that out!

76 Timeboxing ⁴

In every team there are colleagues who speak at length and who, compared with the others, are always the extroverted and therefore dominant ones in “jours fixes” or meetings. Furthermore, you are surely also aware of the phenomenon of endless discussions and the lack of focus and purpose in meetings.

For all of these cases it is worth trying out the “Timeboxing” tool:

For each agenda item in a meeting you specify an exact speaking time per person beforehand – especially for recurring meetings.

It is better to work to a tight schedule for each agenda item, e.g. one to two minutes which doesn’t allow you to only start thinking once you have started speaking (!).

Ensure that the elapsed time is clearly visible to everyone, e.g. via large hourglasses or digital “timers” on monitors.

But ask your colleagues and in particular the managers first of all whether they approve of the introduction of speaking time – it only has to be for a pilot phase of, e.g. four weeks.

Here again: It is worth trying it out!

77 Meet but follow up

For successful meetings that will benefit your team permanently and effectively, be consistently tenacious and also even obstinate about two things:

At every meeting, find a colleague to write a short summary of the proceedings, just in bullet points, that is enough! Moreover, make sure that this summary is also shared with everyone that the content concerns!

At the end of each meeting, arrange a definite appointment, that is, a follow-up appointment when you want to reflect on what you have agreed on. Here you can decide, if necessary, what to do with the agreements that haven’t been implemented: Do you want to postpone them? If so, until what point in time? Or have topics completely resolved themselves? In the “worst case” you don’t even need the follow-up appointment because you have accomplished everything that was agreed on.

Then be glad and don’t forget to also celebrate this success in some way!

78 Pit stop ⁵

Even if this hopefully isn’t the case all the time: Sometimes a team has to cope with situations that pose a particularly great challenge, e.g. when it has been set particularly high goals and at the same time has to use the newly introduced company software.

In such a situation, first of all take about 15 minutes to think about what each of you would like to communicate to the team with regard to the current, problematic situation. So sort out your feelings and thoughts and it is best to write them down.

After that you agree on a clear time frame in which you want to talk about what you have just written down. Now appoint a time manager who has the task of giving you a sign halfway through the agreed time frame.

Now you go to another room and communicate your thoughts and feelings about the situation to each other and also refer to the respective comments already made by the previous speakers.

Halfway through, you reflect together whether you want to keep to the time frame initially agreed on. Because in some cases you won’t need as much time as you had imagined to begin with because many of the comments are so closely interlinked.

No matter when, whether already after half of the time or after you have used up all the time allocated, you go back to your first meeting room and start working out solutions for your challenging situation.

79 The four phases meeting

If you are wondering which structure is generally effective for meetings where a decision is to be made, then the following four phases may help you :

Information: Everyone contributes their information so that the level of knowledge is aligned. This establishes a common understanding of the respective subject matter – a good basis for the further course of the meeting.

Consultation: An open exchange of information enables a first assessment of opinions and arguments. This gives the whole team a deeper understanding of the problem; in addition, ideas for finding solutions already emerge.

Decision making: Here everyone should concentrate on the subject matter once again, summarize and also visualize their respective arguments. In this way each team member has the best possible overview of the entire landscape of argumentation.

Controlling: Consider all together: How can you tell that your decision was successful? When do you want to meet again to reflect on your decision and the resulting consequences?

80 Performance booster ⁷

If the tensions in your team have to do with your team performance showing signs of weakness and you want to improve, then this tool is for you:

Self-assessment: Let each team member allocate points on a scale of 0 to 10 for the current team performance. Now calculate the average score. In the same way, determine a target result that the team aims at in a foreseeable period of time, e.g. the next six months.

Suggest measures: Each team member now suggests two concrete measures for the team which should have a positive influence on the team performance.

Prioritize measures: You decide together which measures are promising and put them in a meaningful order. The activities you want to implement are written down in an action plan: Who does what with whom by when?

One-to-one discussions: You team up in tandem and talk about personal measures: “What two points do you see with me that I can contribute to improving our team performance?” These tandems change partners until everyone has spoken to everyone else.

Personal measures: From all the impulses that each of you got, you choose two which are discussed and concretized in front of the team. Here each of

you writes your personal plan of measures which becomes transparent to everyone.

Follow-up: You discuss your progress in regular follow-up meetings, preferably every two weeks. Of course, you compare the respective current status with the contents of both the team and your personal measures. If necessary, you coach each other and as a team: What can you do to support the implementation of this or that measure?

81 Different glasses ⁸

Have you ever had the impression that your team has just been revolving around itself for some time now with regard to the challenges it faces? Or has even been completely going round in circles? And that this isn’t doing the team good?

Then simply invite another team that you regularly work with for an exchange.

First of all, you put together the three to four questions that interest you, e. g. these ones:

What are our strengths?

What development potential is there?

What special attributes distinguish us?

In a first step, you answer these questions for yourselves and write down your answers.

After that, you note down what, in your opinion, the answers of the invited team to these questions could possibly be.

And then it gets exciting: So what are the actual answers of the team of colleagues?

Finally, you can make a note of where there may be the greatest need for action in your team and what a first step in the right direction could be.

Here the further development of your team is guaranteed!

82 A silent greeting

… is normally a text we find or use in sympathy cards.

If there is currently an extremely bad atmosphere in your team but you nonetheless want and have to discuss something important, the following exercise helps and it only takes a few minutes . It is also good if you already all know each other a little bit:

The best way to do this exercise is to go to a room that provides enough space to walk around in. Because exactly that is your “job” in the next few minutes: You walk towards each other and greet as many of your colleagues as possible with a handshake, look them in the eye and say “Hello Melanie” or “Good morning”. While you are saying your greetings, send your thoughts and feelings on a journey:

What talents, strengths and qualities do you know of the colleague opposite you?

In which situation did you last experience this colleague in a positive way?

You keep these memories and sentiments all to yourself and move on to the next person.

If after five to ten minutes you have the impression that it is enough, you can expect to have created a good atmosphere in which you can go about your

topics.

83 Resources marketplace ⁷

Sometimes teams have longer meetings which can tire all those involved and have an impact on the atmosphere.

The following session will help you to “get back in gear”. All you need are moderation cards in one colour, pens for everyone and a basket for folded moderation cards:

Each of you now writes down one or two bad characteristics or habits per moderation card.

Then you fold all of your cards and put them in the middle of the basket.

Now everyone picks a card, chooses a “business partner” and has to “sell” him the characteristic on the card, that is, make it “appetizing”. There is only one rule: The (bad) characteristic mustn’t be mentioned directly!

Everyone is therefore challenged to detect the “good core” of the described ability and to commend it, e.g. “you put your foot on the accelerator and push things forward” as the positive core of “dominance”.

At the same time, every “market trader” also pays attention to what the colleague

opposite commends – perhaps a really attractive characteristic that you would you like to take on?

Whenever the argument is convincing, you “buy” and may then pick a new card.

I bet you are cheerful and in a good mood again and it didn’t take longer than about twenty minutes?

Enjoy!

84 Instead of treasure hunting: Collect treasures

In case you as a team have the impression that you currently get far too little praise and appreciation, then praise yourselves explicitly!

How? For example, like this⁷¹:

You are sitting in the meeting room and each of you has a sheet of A4 paper in front of you, preferably squared or lined.

Now everyone writes their name at the bottom of the paper and passes the sheet on to their neighbour on the right. This colleague now writes a sentence or a few words at the top of the sheet which clearly express what he values so much about the person whose name is at the bottom of the paper.

Finally, the colleague folds the part he has written in such a way that his words are no longer visible.

Now the colleague again passes the sheet on to the right where his neighbour writes down what he values about the colleague, etc.

This procedure is continued until the “name giver” holds the sheet in his hands again.

Surely joy and the feeling of appreciation come over him when he reads it!

85 Goals rather than problems ⁷²

Do you know this too? Sometimes it can be very helpful to put a different “label” on a matter. And then it is easier to deal with it!

If you have the feeling that your team has gathered a whole list of problems, then the following technique will help:

You divide a piece of flip chart paper in two halves and list all the problems on the left-hand side.

Now you go through each problem together and reword it to become a goal, e.g. you turn the problem “silo mentality” into the goal “good cooperation”.

Next you cut the flip chart sheet down the middle and put the “problem half” aside.

The only goals that remain are the ones that you can now tackle in the classic way: How do we get there? What do we need for that? Who does what with whom by when?

86 A speedy update ⁷³

In every team there are situations in which an energy boost is needed because frustration has taken hold due to the fact that you have been working on an ambitious project for a long time, etc.

If you have this impression and want to prevent further frustration, then take thirty minutes and try the following:

You go into a room where there isn’t a permanently installed conference table.

The team sits opposite each other in two rows of chairs so that each colleague has a discussion partner directly in front of them.

You determine which row of chairs is the one where the participants will change chairs – these are the “move chairs”.

If there is an odd number of chairs, there will be a “pause chair”.

Together you consider a question that would make your exchange worthwhile, e. g. “What, from my point of view, are the current challenges with our project?”

You choose a time manager who stops the time and who stands at the head of both rows of chairs.

Then your time manager gives the start signal for three minutes of exchange on the question you agreed on.

At the beginning of these three minutes, both discussion partners determine who starts with their statement.

After the three minutes, the colleagues move one “move chair” further towards the time manager so that in no time everyone has a new discussion partner.

And you continue with three minutes of exchange…

87 Smartphone organizer

We all know: Time and attentiveness are our greatest assets today, at work too. Colleagues, who check their e-mails on their smartphone or do other things with this device while they are in meetings, run the risk of missing a lot of what is being said, which understandably quickly leads to annoyance and tension.

Therefore, get a large, flat basket and line it with velvet or a similarly fine fabric – that matches the value of what will be going inside. Before each meeting, another colleague will collect your smartphones which should be placed nicely next to each other in the basket.

At the end you will get them back – of course. Without the temptation to just quickly read the latest message, you automatically improve your concentration and save time, your most valuable asset.

88 Take a snapshot

When an atmosphere of grumbling and nitpicking prevails in the team, then just treat yourselves to a day with the “positive lens”?⁷⁴

This means: You distribute questions in the team in the morning which are aimed at having nothing but positive effects, e. g. questions like these:

What is working here?

What is growing and prospering?

What are we successful in here?

Where do we work together excellently?

Where do we experience a sense of purpose, collegiality, solidarity?

Then it is your job to keep your smartphone at hand the whole day at work and take one or more snapshots that answer your question.

Shortly before you finish work, you meet again and show the photos to your team colleagues – preferably by means of a projector, of course.

That will bring about a (positive) atmosphere!

89 CCC – The criticism and communication chart ⁷⁵

In a newly formed team it is advisable to clarify right at the beginning of the cooperation which channel of communication each colleague prefers in the event of criticism. Because everyone “ticks” differently here and it is prudent to clarify the “favourite connection” for this feedback before the first situation where you voice criticism of each other.

This can be done, e. g. in a table:

E-mail

Mobile

Landline

Personally

+++

+

++

-

Catherine ++

-

+++

+

William

+

++

-

+++

Sophie

+

++

+++

-

David

-

+++

++

+

Louise

+++

+

-

++

John

Everyone can store this table at their workplace in such a way that it is quickly available as and when required.

When the “case of criticism” arises, you provide for a good basis for your conversation by then just choosing the right channel of communication.

90 Idea slam

If you are under time pressure with a topic or project for which there are already several ideas “on the table” that divide the team into two factions, then try out the following:

Build tandems or small teams that each clearly back one of the ideas.

Each small team develops a short, passionate speech of about three minutes for their idea. This speech can be funny and humorous and should aim to win over the other colleagues for their idea or proposal.

Then the teams compete against each other: The stage is set! The applause is now compared, namely in terms of length and volume. The proposal that gets the longest and loudest applause wins.

Your mood is most certainly better now too, right?

91 Like at the scene of a crime: The eye sees too

Every team that tackles particularly challenging goals is quickly under stress and pressure. In times like these, it is of course clever to do everything possible with regard to your methods of working in order to perform well right from the start and, above all, to prevent misunderstandings. Because these take time and energy – you can make better use of both for your core work.

What you can learn from working methods like Scrum or Kanban is to visualize everything⁷ , be it on coloured Post-its or with marker pens on whiteboards or glass boards. Here you can wipe things off quickly or attach things so that everyone can always quickly see everything you are talking about.

What is visualized on a whiteboard or task board?

What needs to be done today, what still needs to be done overall, which individual steps will be undertaken by whom, and so on. Find out for yourselves how it best works for you! Others do it too.⁷⁷

Now what does this have to do with the scene of a crime?

Most teams in this (German) TV crime thriller (“Tatort” = German word for “the scene of a crime”) work at a huge wall during their investigations where they attach all the photos of the crime scene, the suspects, etc. and where the detective superintendents can then draw connecting arrows, wipe them away again, etc. – visualizing seems to help them too!

92 The “listening circle” ⁷⁸

If you are annoyed that your team holds fruitless discussions again and again, then the following structure for your exchange will certainly help you:

Think of a question, the answer to which will definitely help you, e. g. “What, in our view, is the next step?”

This is followed by two minutes of silent reflection.

After that, each colleague in turn is given three minutes of speaking time and the full attention of the entire team.

You can be assured that you would be doing a lot for your team with this solution: The trust and understanding between each other can grow step by step – especially if you make this tool one of your team rituals.

93 Picasso as a “cross-functional problem-solver” ⁷

No matter whether there are tensions within the team or you are currently working on a particularly challenging task that is causing you a headache: Let a prominent person help you – and this is how it works:

Agree on a famous personality that everyone knows and who you believe can help you with your current objective with their expert knowledge – be it a comedian, the German Chancellor, a well-known football coach or …

“Invite” them to your group and “seat” them on an empty chair.

What does this personality advise you to do? To this end, follow your imagination and associations.

Write down the best points and consider together how and when you will implement these “celebrity recommendations.”

94 Gossip and tittle-tattle at its best ⁸

In case you think that a ca. 20-minute session with positive feedback would do your team good because – as you perceive it – tensions and problems are prevailing yet again, then here you are:

Form groups of three and allocate the roles A, B and C in each of these small groups. To begin with, A interviews B, C listens. The question that A directs at B is: “Of everything you are doing in your job at the moment: What is the thing you are most satisfied with at the moment?” If the answer is short, the interviewer keeps asking (“What else?”) until three minutes are over.

In the following two minutes, A and C sit opposite each other and make sure not to make eye contact with B. Now the positive gossip starts: The two of them don’t talk with but about B and gather his talents, abilities and qualities as they have perceived them in the preceding three minutes. B thanks them but doesn’t comment on the feedback.

Now the roles change – after all, each of the three should be gossiped about!

95 Pro democracy: The distribution of tasks after opposition ⁸¹

From time to time there are tasks that nobody in the team likes to do but which have to be done nonetheless. Discontent and tensions are inevitable here and all too human.

If this situation is acute with you, just try out the following tool:

List all of your activities – perhaps you want to make a mind map out of it.

Distribute green and red moderation cards in the team.

On the green cards

everyone notes down those tasks that they would willingly continue carrying out or start carrying out,

everyone notes down whether they would like to carry these out alone or together with others (“a” for “alone”, “t” for “together”),

everyone writes down their name.

On the red cards, all the colleagues write down beside their name those tasks that they wouldn’t like to do (any longer). In addition, a number between 1 and 10, which expresses the perceived opposition to this task, is noted down on each card.

Now distribute the task cards to everyone according to the results.

The tasks that nobody wants to do are dealt with in the following way:

The four or five colleagues who have the smallest number on their card consider how to make the respective task more attractive.

If that doesn’t work, you establish a “task force” consisting of members of your team and colleagues from other departments. This task force will get to the bottom of the opposition and search company-wide for possible ways to change the tasks until they find a “mentor”.

96 Pauses are music too

I didn’t meet him in person but legend has it that Joseph Haydn is supposed to have said that pauses are music too.

Okay, what does that have to do with team conflicts?

Perhaps you know this too: sometimes it is simply best to hold back, to avoid a certain topic, sometimes indeed the very thing that is causing so much tension. Of course, this doesn’t always work. Consciously avoiding topics can also be the manifestation of rigid taboos! Everyone has to find out for themselves each time what applies where.

And then? Perhaps in such a phase of restraint what Haydn probably meant by the pauses in music happens: something reverberates or continues to have an effect. Something can have time to mature without you having to push forward with it. Perhaps an idea for a solution will come up or your team colleagues will approach you completely unexpectedly of their own accord …

Therefore, what matters is that you generally allow for something like a pause, if possible from a position of serenity and with the confidence that steps for a solution will then materialize.

If you feel like it and “just for fun”: listen to your favourite music, for once with regard to the pauses: What do you now experience while listening to it?

Me and the customer: The customer is king – How many spikes does the crown have?

In times that are characterized by agility, digitalization and “new work”, that is, by many new and rapidly developing topics, the question must be asked as to how things consequently look with regard to dealing with customers. If you take a look at company websites, you will have difficulty finding one that hasn’t made customer orientation and service its top priority and promotes these on its homepage, no matter what line of business.

But honestly: What does it actually look like in practice? Don’t you all instantly have situations on hand in which you were a customer and which show that there is still a lot to do here? Whether on the phone or in personal contact with a “company representative” or salesperson ..Unfortunately, the negative examples always stay in your mind more persistently than the positive ones. This not only damages the corporate image but, in some circumstances, your own need for harmony too, be it as a customer or an employee.

Those who regularly deal with customers in their everyday work know how demanding this can be. Admittedly, we Germans don’t have aspirations to consider the customer to be God, as it is anchored in the Japanese culture, but the customer as king or partner is even already a challenge.

How can it work to treat a customer as king or partner? Or is that more likely wishful thinking that only exists on websites or in theory?

Partners meet on equal terms. But how often do you receive the kind of customer e-mails that you don’t think are alright? In which even the form of address has spelling mistakes which seems to be all the same to the customer? In which the customer takes more for granted than you find appropriate? Because the words come across as too demanding and arrogant? Because customers make you feel that you are only auxiliaries for the fulfilment of their wishes – and in a tone that lacks respect!

With every word you read, your “nerves level” well and truly rises. And moreover: Such a customer tells you half of his life story on the phone instead of simply telling you promptly what he actually wants! After you have already listened to his life story for what feels like three hours and you now also know his current state of health, you ask for his customer number in a friendly manner and the answer you get is, “Oh, I don’t have it at hand right now.”

How can it be that a customer doesn’t have his customer number at hand when he was the one to call your company?!

In such moments it often doesn’t suffice to clench your fists as the West-phalian says. Now your customer starts to notice directly, indirectly, verbally, through noises, by the sound of your voice what you think of him right now.

Is the customer still king here? How many spikes does the crown have then? Does it still have any at all?

Whichever way you look at it: Tensions and conflicts with customers will probably always be part of the job when service and sales is what you do professionally.

Most notably you as an individual employee with your very practical way of doing things still make the difference today! You as an employee who doesn’t consider yourself too good to keep reflecting on and consistently refining your conduct towards the customer. Who is always willing to be the “business card” of your employer and to commit yourself accordingly. “Top sportsmen train every day” – this is the title of one of my training courses in an international company. Because what also applies to customer orientation is: You never stop

learning and hopefully don’t want to either. Because everything that can be learned there makes your dealings with customers easier, more efficient, more pleasant – and, in turn, also your everyday work on the whole. This ultimately even improves your quality of life because nowadays we spend a large part of our lives at work …!

The prerequisite for this kind of quality is that, in principle, you are prepared to consistently put on the “hat of a professional” when dealing with customers and not to, perhaps unconsciously, insist on being entitled to behave like in your private life. Then you will be a source of joy to your customers and an asset to your corporate brand.

Well then: Go for it and enjoy discovering the tools listed here!

97 The empty chair

We all know this: Sometimes customers are incredibly annoying and/or demanding! And yet they get a lot for their money and we could write lists of all we do for them from a customer service perspective …

In the case of a customer who is important to you and for whom you have to continue working shortly, take a few minutes of your time.

It is best if two or three of you go to a small meeting room, sit down there in a circle and put an empty chair in front of you. You now seat your customer on this chair in your imagination.

One after the other, all three of you now take a seat on this chair, pretend you are your customer for a short moment and put yourselves in his position. Ask yourselves the following questions in the process:

What may have led the customer to have these high demands? What do we know about this from him?

What could be his thoughts on this?

What can he not know or see?

…

Even more questions will probably come to mind whose aim it is to gain a more positive inner attitude towards the customer by taking his perspective as more understanding for him and his attitude becomes possible.

It is best to write down the most important points.

98 Yoga nose breathing ⁸²

If you have just had contact with a customer who spoke to you in the completely wrong tone of voice and shouted abuse at you, it is time for a “first aid tool” to calm you down physically and emotionally. Try this technique:

Sit down comfortably, keeping your head and back as straight as possible. Put your left hand loosely on your stomach.

Close your eyes and now concentrate on your breath. Breathe in and out deeply through your nose several times.

After breathing in, now close your right nostril with your right thumb by pressing the wing of your nose directly below the nasal bone. Then breathe out slowly through your left nostril.

Take a short break until your body requires air again and now breathe in through your left nostril.

After breathing in, now close your left nostril with your ring finger, at the same time open your right nostril and breathe out slowly. Take a short pause for breath.

Now breathe in through your right nostril, close your right nostril with your thumb, at the same time open your left nostril and breathe out.

Repeat this cycle for about 3-4 minutes.

Then remain seated for another 1-2 minutes and feel what happens in your body.

Concentrating fully on yourself and your breath helps not to give your anger any more space! Make sure that you only breathe through your nose.

With this technique you ensure that your diaphragm is automatically more engaged in your breathing. As a result you breathe more deeply, more oxygen gets into your blood and your body is immediately calm.

99 The story behind it

If a customer behaves in an unacceptable way, the truth is he has a problem. Make it clear to yourself: Not you but he has a stress issue or is in a situation in which he doesn’t know what else to do than to behave badly – unconsciously, of course!

Be quite sure: Behind every aggression, behind every disrespectful conduct there is a need!

Perhaps in the case of your current customer his figures aren’t correct, he has been under pressure himself, is suffering from acute time pressure or even just got up on the wrong side of the bed.

This look at the “story behind it” helps to see not only as far as the customer’s specific – annoying! – behaviour at that particular moment but also beyond it.

In this way you keep a lot of conflict potential at bay, de-escalate the situation and, above all, benefit from it yourself too! Your blood pressure and your whole body will thank you.

100 The list of annoyances

Perhaps you deal with customers mainly on the phone and, from time to time, you experience having to serve one difficult customer after another.

Especially when you notice that you can no longer shake off the arising anger so easily, the list of annoyances will help you:

All you need for this is a pad and a pen. Now every time a customer treats you badly, you write down the situation in very short keywords after the phone call. So you literally get your frustration off your chest by writing it down.

You hide each note away directly, be it in your desk drawer or behind a plant pot. After all, you really don’t want to keep looking at it and being reminded of it.

Should further annoying situations arise, you retrieve your note and add the new situation to it.

Before you leave work, you look at your list again: I’m sure some of your anger has long since passed, right?

In any case, at the end of your working day, you crumple up or tear up the note and throw it in the wastepaper basket. Then you leave the office, whistling cheerfully. It is time to go home now!

101 Glass! Handle with care!

No matter whether you are talking to a customer in person or are attending to him on the phone: If he misbehaves, it will be unpleasant! It is already enough if he interrupts you, speaks very loudly, eats while talking or suchlike.

What then helps is the vision of you very quickly building a glass wall between you and the customer which protects you and makes it clear to you that he can by no means offend you because it simply isn’t possible – the “glass wall” is separating you!

Long live our imagination – it has great “first aid potential” time and time again!

102 The customer AVEA ⁸³

When you are dealing with customers who hardly let you get a word in edgeways, you should always have your “customer AVEA” at the ready. This means, at the next opportunity, you cut that customer off in a friendly manner and offer him the following in a very professional manner:

Tell him something about the added value of what he can buy from you. Highlight in detail the benefit he will get from it.

Give examples of enthusiasm and make them concrete by telling him about customers and the stories of their purchases, e. g. why a customer bought several of your products outright and what great feedback he gave.

Then make an appeal to the customer and crown it in a final step with a humorous or at least positive remark, e. g. “So I have actually managed to teach you something?”

Do you see? Now you have talked for quite a while and have perhaps even confidently “wrapped your customer around your little finger”!

Well, once learnt, never forgotten!

103 Here’s to the “explain bear” ⁸⁴

You probably know this well: “Knocking customers off their perch” to some degree when they aren’t satisfied with your employer’s performance is quite challenging!

As simple as it sounds: spare no effort connected with this and explain to these customers as comprehensibly and as detailed as necessary why this or that service can’t be provided or is taking longer than desired. You should pay particular attention to two things in your explanations:

Put yourself in the position of the customer who, compared to you, is less well informed and doesn’t have all of your knowledge! Accordingly, what should be your first piece of information for this customer, where should you start best? What should your “explanatory strategy” look like if it is to be meaningful? Write it down, it is worth it – for you and for your customers!

Pay particular attention to where you can translate your customer’s criticism into a well thought-out benefit for him! If, e. g. during a phone call with a customer, you have to keep asking him for his customer number and his full name and his date of birth, this can not only take time but can indeed annoy an impatient customer or one who is in a hurry. But if you explain to him that this is for (his own) security purposes and even wrap it in a small, fitting story that gets across this security benefit, then you have the very best chance of convincing your customer of the purpose of his time investment!

104 The zoo of annoyances

What sometimes also works superbly and does really good is scribbling or drawing animals when customers have just annoyed you terribly on the phone.

Hardly have you finished the phone call when you think about whether this customer just now was more like a dragon or a walrus. Or would you rather draw a monster?

Whatever, just get going! Paint ugly monsters, fat bodies, slanting eyes, crooked snouts…

There are no limits to your imagination anyway! Because it isn’t about performance.

You will probably even have to laugh again quickly at some of your works – and that definitely isn’t the worst effect!

And if you want to: Keep a few drawings – for yourselves or to show to colleagues. What you laughed at can also be fun for others, right?

105 The four levels of service quality ⁸⁵

From time to time there are days that are particularly strenuous when dealing with customers. Several of them speak to you in the wrong tone of voice and they cost you time, strength and energy.

If that is how your day has started off, then it is best to grab one or two colleagues at the next opportunity and take about thirty minutes of your time to reflect.

Put together all that you usually do for your customers in the company you work for:

What basic quality do you provide to your customers?

How do you meet your customers’ expectations?

Which services do you surprise your customers with (quality of surprise)?

What do you do to establish a long-lasting relationship with your customers (quality of relationship) so that they want to remain your customers?

Complete these lists with your personal experiences because you certainly have your individual strengths and talents which your customers benefit from – be it exceptional patience, empathy or excellent product knowledge, to name but a few examples.

In this reflection, all that counts is that you are doing something and not, for example, that you by all means have to agree on which level something belongs. Just take it easy.

The main thing is that you will be in a better mood again afterwards because it is now clear to you again what good quality you are providing with regard to your customer orientation!

106 Life goes on beyond the horizon ⁸

Each of us thinks and feels differently. Some of us are more emotional, some less so.

If you are one of the more emotional types and want to save your energy more – no matter whether a customer is annoying you on the phone now or someone with completely exaggerated demands is standing in front of you in person at the moment or, generally, simply a lot of pressure and stress is prevailing: Look beyond the present situation, at this point purely mentally. That can be very relieving!

In concrete terms this means: despite all your stress at the moment, allow yourself to think briefly: Life goes on beyond the horizon! This situation here will be over before too long, other more pleasant customers or ones that are easier to satisfy will turn up today! Who will also put you in a better mood again and make your day more enjoyable …!

107 The white lie ⁸⁷

The friendly, positive and constructive contact with customers is always the goal even when you can’t fulfil every wish immediately and are sometimes forced to disappoint customers.

Here you are allowed to resort to a white lie from time to time as long as it is foreseeable that it will neither really harm your customer nor be detrimental to your relationship with the customer.

Make it clear to yourselves that, e. g. it is thoroughly professional to tell a customer on the phone that the colleague he wants to speak to is on the phone himself and therefore isn’t available even if he isn’t in the office yet because he is running late. This is a professional way to prevent either side from being annoyed and disappointed.

After all, in your dealings with customers you are also always a “business card” for the company you work for and also always share the responsibility for the image that people get of you and your employer.

And, of course, this should always be as positive as possible so that customers come back and remain customers.

Me and corporate culture: The “dream ship” is a rowing boat – I think I’m following the wrong course

There is hardly likely to be a company today that hasn’t committed itself to a catalogue of values or a “code of conduct” of some sort. This usually hangs clearly visible in the entrance hall or at least in a meeting room.

There behind glass and often in a nice, big picture frame is neatly written down what was or still is important to the company management. There is often a mention of values such as integrity, appreciation and customer enthusiasm, to name but a few examples.

It may be that you notice this clearly and directly in your everyday work and that, e. g. also and especially your managers set a good example here; that praise and positive feedback are as natural as justified criticism; and that criticism is always worded in a factual and constructive way; and that it comes in a timely manner and isn’t saved for the objectives agreement discussion when you can no longer exactly remember the context of the situation the criticism refers to.

Then be glad that you have landed in such a company – you have to be congratulated from the bottom of the heart!

I’m afraid that many of you have already got to know other companies, namely those in which only the “Swabian version” of praise exists: “Net gmeckert is scho gnug globt” = “If you don’t grumble, that is enough praise”. (All Swabians may forgive me as a Westphalian for my downright amateurish Swabian!). Companies in which “working hours based on trust (flexitime)” is well marketed for the employer branding but where this “value” ultimately constitutes a farce because the work can’t be managed without regular and unpaid overtime. Companies in which the code of values mentions a “constructive error culture” but where the unreflective, authoritarian yelling of managers is precisely the order of the day when a mistake has been made. Companies that promise on paper and on their website to deal “openly” with conflicts but in the specific case

put it under a taboo and sweep it under the carpet because there is no time for it at the moment and the assignment for China has top priority. Companies that have been practising objectives agreement discussions for a long time in which mutual feedback between manager and employee has its place but which you as an employee are disappointed with. Because in the discussion itself when you voice your carefully prepared, constructive criticism, your boss signalizes infallibility rather than genuine openness to his own weaknesses.

Love it, change it or leave it – Henry Ford once put it in a nutshell with this formula ⁸⁸.

You obviously can’t love an unsatisfactory corporate culture, especially not just at the touch of a button. You can, of course, always leave a company with a bad culture, probably after more or less careful consideration. But perhaps you can also give one or the other important impulse to change something for the better.

That is what the following solutions are intended for.

108 About the purpose of the company ⁸

If you are thinking due to all the stress you sometimes have whether you are at all “following the right course”, i.e. if, in principle, you are working in the right company, then simply ask yourselves the following two questions:

Why do we do what we do in this company?

What do we in this company give the world that is meaningful?

If you can answer both questions clearly and perhaps even quite quickly, then you can be sure that not only the current stress or pressure will pay off but also the search for ways to manage your stress better.

109 Four levers to change a corporate culture

If you have the strong impression that with your employer the signs should be pointing towards changing the corporate culture, then sit down with some colleagues that “tick” similarly and reflect first of all on the following questions:

What story could you tell in which yesterday, today and the need for change for tomorrow feature? Make sure that the future looks attractive due to the anticipated change and, of course, better than the present.

Think about which concrete suggestion for change you would want to make which is suited for a ritual and is applied where you are currently experiencing the greatest level of stress. If, e. g. it is a matter of too many and inefficient meetings, the ritual could be to consistently appoint a time manager for each meeting who ensures that the time frame and the topic for each agenda item is agreed on beforehand and that both are also adhered to.

What could be a meaningful symbol for the desired change? Perhaps the office doors that will always be open from now on? Or that with immediate effect the managers will eat with you regularly in the canteen?

Building bridges: Don’t only think about specific requests for change but equally and at the same time about what should remain in place! The bridges people need differ in number but they should always be strong enough to get from one “shore” to the other easily and safely.

Yes, and then, go to the manager that you have the greatest trust in with the results of your reflections. Perhaps he is even very impressed by your impulses, has no problem at all supporting them and thinks together with you about the next possible step?

110 In the event of conflict: A concept ¹

Large business concerns are now normally well resourced in this area, small and medium-sized businesses less so. If you want to propose to your employer that he introduces a clear structure for dealing with conflicts, then take the following points as suggestions with you:

Create contact points for conflicts: Depending on the size of the company, this could be one or more trusted employees who are trained to be the first point of contact in the event of conflict. It is important that these colleagues aren’t bound by directives; this should be recorded in a written agreement.

Select the solution procedure: There should be clear rules for conflict management, e.g. that an external conflict moderator is consulted if a conflict lasts longer than three months. These rules should not only be transparent but also be communicated clearly and visibly, e.g. on the intranet.

Conflict management by professionals: Whether internally or externally, companies should definitely opt for professionalism in their conflict management. The combination of internally trained mediators and external mediators, who “come on board” on a case-by-case basis, is common practice here.

Sensitize employees: A very useful prevention measure can consist in offering workshops for all employees in which the basics of what an

individual and a team experience in the event of conflict are taught. Training a model of personality, which provides information about different types of people and their interpersonal dynamics, is an extremely effective measure here.

111 Fresh cells: The hallmark of agile organizations ²

If you have the impression that your employer could really be doing with a kind of makeover, then just check the following attributes for modern and agile organizations with your employer:

Customer focus: Modern companies put a radical focus on the customer, that is, they have an external focus. Everything that doesn’t serve the customer should be placed under close scrutiny or done away with altogether.

Self-organisation: The customer and the resulting prompt customization and rapid innovations are so clearly the focus of attention that employees have more freedom. They shouldn’t be hindered or held back by rigid, traditional structures.

Agile methods and mindset: Typical agile methods such as Design Thinking or Scrum are automatically capable of promoting an agile inner attitude from which you are prepared to learn quickly from experience.

Cultural factors: Appreciation, openness and trust are at the heart of the (agile) corporate culture.

Error and learning culture: Modern and agile working also means: being allowed to make mistakes and use them continuously in order to learn from

them, e.g. within the framework of regular “lessons learned meetings”.

Empowering leadership: Managers act as mentors or coaches in these companies. For them, the well-known saying applies the other way round: control is good, trust is better. They therefore encourage their employees and support them in finding their own answers.

And then? Then you think about which of these six criteria has what priority in your opinion: What impulse in the desired direction can you give whom (colleagues, boss, etc.) and how?

112 Tips for a constructive error culture ³

Mistakes happen again and again everywhere. Everyone talks regularly about how well you can learn from mistakes and how important they are. So much for the theory. But when mistakes actually occur, things suddenly look gloomy again in many companies!

Perhaps you would like to encourage at least everyone in your department to deal with mistakes in a (more) constructive way. For this purpose, you can sit down with a few interested colleagues and make proposals for your bosses. Here are a few ideas for you:

We assume that mistakes aren’t made intentionally. We believe from our own experience that everyone already suffers enough from their mistakes. We know that punishment only causes mistakes to be covered up or people not to take any more risks. We object to both in no uncertain terms.

With mistakes that have just happened, our focus is on damage limitation: How can we smooth things over again together?

We know that mistakes are accompanied by feelings of anger, shame, fear or even despair. There is a risk of unnecessary “loss of face”. That is why we make sure we discuss mistakes, how to rectify them and the resulting learning effects in a secure environment. We concentrate on the factual level and on solutions. We express emotions exclusively as I-messages.

When getting to the root of a mistake, we ask ourselves first and foremost:

“From your perspective, why was your conduct reasonable at that moment? Were you lacking specific information or experience?”

“What external factors contributed to you thinking that your misconduct seemed reasonable?”

We start every meeting by describing a situation in which something almost went wrong. In this way, we all constantly learn something new and ensure that mistakes aren’t taboo with us. That makes us more relaxed: mistakes are intermediate steps on the way to success.

Thank you…

to my fantastic translator, June, who took this book “under her wing”,

to all the people who, in the thirty years of my professional life, have placed their trust in me, nationally and internationally, in conflict situations with themselves and others,

to my husband, Hans-Guido, who not only accompanied this book with clever ideas and a lot of attention but also served me delicious (!) meals on busy weekends in the winter of 2017 and spring of 2018,

to my illustrator, Anke, who literally lives only three (!) streets away but whom I had never met before and who, among other things, can conjure up emotions in faces so wonderfully with just a few “strokes”,

to Lilav, a highly talented primary school teacher and long-time member of our wonderful “köstlich!” family, who helped me so selflessly, professionally and reliably with the formatting and thus “bailed me out”,

to “the man upstairs” because without his support this actual book couldn’t have been written either.

Explanatory Notes

1 https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Projektion_%28Psychologie%2

2 https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Übertragung_%28Psychoanalyse%2

3 cf. Fischer, Peter in »Wirtschaftspsychologie aktuell« (1/2010), p. 30.

4 For better legibility only the masculine form is used in the text. But, of course, both genders are always addressed.

5 Glasl, Friedrich (2015), p. 96 f.

6 https://www.aphorismen.de/suche?autor_quelle=Rumi

7 cf. Röhrig, Peter (2008), p. 110.

8 https://www.gluecksarchiv.de/inhalt/lebensregeln_johannes23.htm

9 cf. Scharmer, Otto in managerSeminare (225, Dec. 2016), p. 29.

10 Glasl, Friedrich & Weeks, Dudley (2008), p. 55 f.

11 cf. Glasl, Friedrich in »managerSeminare« (218, May 2016), p. 64.

12 https://www.zeitenschrift.com/artikel/goethe-zwei-seelen-wohnen-ach-inmeiner-brust

13 Generalanzeiger, Mon./Tues., 30./31. October 2017, p. 3.

14 Glasl, Friedrich in managerSeminare (227, February 2017), p. 58.

15 Schulz von Thun, Friedemann (2003; 2), p. 38 f.

16 https://www.coachingzentrumheidelberg.de/wissen-services/fachartikelresilienz/opfer- gestalter-modell/

17 Glasl, Friedrich in managerSeminare (218, May 2016), p. 66.

18 https://www.eatmovefeel.de/gelee-royal/

19 http://www.52wege.de/rick-hanson

20 cf. Martens, Andree in managerSeminare (187, October 2013), p. 30.

21 https://www.punktozug.ch/img/uploadAdminDok/dcf60_ws1_pp_humortraining_rusch.pdf

22 https://vaeterzentrum-berlin.de/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/DokumentationHochstritigeElternkonflikte.pdf

23 Laloux, Frédéric (2016), p. 59.

24 Reinders, Angela (2007), p. 85 f.

25 http://handmann.phantasus.de/g_diegedankensindfrei.html

26 cf. Frei, Felix in managerSeminare (233, August 2017), p. 22.

27 cf. Lindemann, Gabriele & Heim, Vera (2010), p. 140.

28 www.augenhoehewege.de

29 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRL24bVPnfE

30 cf. Gloger, Svenja in managerSeminare (219, June 2016), p. 24 & p. 26.

31 Oral tradition from colleagues.

32 Glasl, Friedrich in managerSeminare (227, February 2017), p. 58.

33 cf. Frei, Felix in managerSeminare (233, August 2017), p. 22.

34 cf. ibid., p. 22.

35 cf. ibid., p. 22.

36 cf. Friedemann, Dietmar & Fritz, Klaus (2013), s. 67 ff.

37 cf. ibid.

38 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLaFKju4bY4

39 Author’s own turn of phrase, cf. Friedemann, Dietmar & Fritz, Klaus (2013), p. 22 ff.

40 cf. Friedemann, Dietmar & Fritz, Klaus (2013), p. 44 ff.

41 Basic exercise for voice training in choirs and singing lessons.

42 cf. Scharmer, Otto at http://www.theorieU.com and http://www.prresencing.com in managerSeminare (225, December 2016), p. 31.

43 Decker-Voigt, Hans-Helmut (1991), p. 42.

44 cf. this book, solutions 37 to 53.

45 Mois, Tim & Baldauf, Corinna (2016), p. 17.

46 Motamedi, Susanne (1999), p. 91 ff.

47 Laloux, Frederic (2017), p. 104 f.

48 cf. Lindemann, Gabriele & Heim, Vera (2010), p. 178 ff.

49 Tutorial »Mentale Stärke trainieren« in managerSeminare (216, March 2016), p. 73.

50 cf. Newsletter by Förster & Kreuz, 13.10.2017.

51 cf. Original by the Swedish author Claes Janssen (1982), depicted at http://wirtrainieren.de/werkzeugkoffer/media/4-Zimmer-Wohnung.pdf

52 Newsletter by Förster & Kreuz from 25.08.2017.

53 cf. ibid.

54 cf. ibid.

55 zur Bonsen, Matthias in »OrganisationsEntwicklung Nr. 3« (2007), p. 91 ff.

56 Laloux, Frederic (2017), p. 92 f.

57 Mois, Tim & Baldauf, Corinna (2016), p. 20.

58 Laloux, Frederic (2017), p. 104.

59 cf. ibid.

60 cf. Mois, Tim & Baldauf, Corinna (2016), p. 4.

61 cf. Malorny, Christian & Langner, Marc Alexander (1997), p. 17 ff.

62 cf. Malorny, Christian & Langner, Marc Alexander (1997), p. 27 f.

63 cf. ibid., p. 40.

64 cf. Schültgen, Lydia (2017), p. 98.

65 cf. Glass, Carey in Röhrig, Peter (2008, 4), p. 73 ff.

66 cf. Peer Communication AG in managerSeminare (212, November 2015), p. 77.

67 cf. Fröhlich, Caspar in managerSeminare (186, September 2013), p. 49 ff.

68 cf. Thönneßen, Johannes in Rohm, Armin (2006), p. 134 ff.

69 cf. Hankovszky, Katalin in Röhrig, Peter (2008), p. 134 ff.

70 cf. von Bidder, Stephanie in Röhrig, Peter (2008), p. 118 ff.

71 cf. Röhrig, Peter in Rohm, Armin (2006), p. 271 f.

72 cf. Geisbauer, Wilhelm in Rohm, Armin (2006), p. 108 ff.

73 cf. West, Penny in Röhrig, Peter (2008), p. 331 ff.

74 Illig, Tobias in managerSeminare (233, August 2017), p. 80 f.

75 cf. Sudmann, Lars in managerSeminare (181, April 2013), p. 57.

76 cf. Mois, Tim & Baldauf, Corinna (2016), p. 2.

77 cf. ibid., p. 11.

78 Taranczewski, Nadjeschda in managerSeminare (232, July 2017), p. 32.

79 cf. http://zamyat-seminare.de/kreativitaetstechniken/fragen-sie-picasso-oderden-dalai-lama/

80 cf. Röhrig, Peter in Rohm, Armin (2006), p. 35 ff.

81 cf. Zeuch, Andreas in managerSeminare (213, December 2015), p. 31 f.

82 cf. Grillparzer, Marion (2006), p. 116.

83 cf. Haider, Siegfried in managerSeminare (177, December 2012), p. 40.

84 https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Wochenshow

85 From a discourse by Karin Glattes 2009.

86 Lyrics by Horizont © Universal Music Publishing Group, www.songtexte.com

87 https://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/white+lie.html

88 https://plus.google.com/+SybilleHubig/posts/7bLEvtmUSvm

89 cf. managerSeminare (235, October 2017), p. 24.

90 cf. Paschen, Michael in managerSeminare (229, April 2017), p. 48 ff.

91 cf. »Viadrina-Komponentenmodell« in managerSeminare (220, July 2016), p. 34.

92 Fischer, Stephan in managerSeminare (229, April 2017), p. 58.

93 cf. Schüttelkopf, Elke et al. in managerSeminare (232, July 2017), p. 74.

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https://www.zeitenschrift.com/artikel/goethe-zwei-seelen-wohnen-ach-inmeiner-brust [As of: 26.05.2018]

https://www.coachingzentrumheidelberg.de/wissen-services/fachartikelresilienz/opfer-gestalter-modell/ [As of: 26.05.2018]

https://www.eatmovefeel.de/gelee-royal/ [As of: 26.05.2018]

http://www.52wege.de/rick-hanson (see Gelée Royale) [As of: 26.05.2018]

https://www.punktozug.ch/img/uploadAdminDok/dcf60_ws1_pp_humortraining_rusch.pdf [As of: 26.05.2018]

https://vaeterzentrum-berlin.de/wpcontent/uploads/2018/03/DokumentationHochstritige-Elternkonflikte.pdf [As of: 26.05.2018]

http://handmann.phantasus.de/g_diegedankensindfrei.html [As of: 26.05.2018]

www.augenhoehewege.de (see Wunschzettel: Führen auf Augenhöhe) [As of: 26.05.2018]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRL24bVPnfE (Film Musterbrecher see Wunschzettel: Führen auf Augenhöhe) [As of: 26.05.2018]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLaFKju4bY4 [As of: 26.05.2018]

http://zamyat-seminare.de/kreativitaetstechniken/fragen-sie-picasso-oderdendalai-lama/ [As of: 26.05.2018]

https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Wochenshow [As of: 26.05.2018]

https://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/white+lie.html [As of: 26.05.2018]

https://plus.google.com/+SybilleHubig/posts/7bLEvtmUSvm (see Love it, change it or leave it … H. Ford) [As of: 26.05.2018]

Bibliographical Information of the Deutsche Nationalbibliothek This publication is listed in the Deutsche Nationalbibliographie of the Deutsche Nationalbibliothek; detailed bibliographical information can be accessed under www.dnb.de

© 2018 Haufe-Lexware, GmbH & Co. KG, Freiburg Title of original German edition: “Von Blitz und Donner – 112 Lösungen für Konflikte im Job” © 2020 Cordula Goj Printing, Production and Layout: BoD – Books on Demand GmbH, Norderstedt ISBN: 978-3-7526-8314-1