There was God and nothing else 9798986194165

Table of contents :
Editor’s Introduction 1
Preface 3
Memoirs written in USA
Beginning of Summer, 1959 11
Beginning of Spring, 1960 11
May 10, 1960 13
May 29, 1960 13
October 18, 1960 14
May 12, 1961 15
September 1, 1961 16
May 10, 1965 17
Memoirs written in Lebanon
May, 1967 21
Mission to Bourj Hammoud 21
An Old Warrior 26
May, 1967 28
A mother who wails and cries, a father who has fainted...................................................28
June, 1967 29
October 22, 1971 29
December 9, 1971 30
November, 1972 32
November, 1972 32
Intellect and Heart 32
November, 1972 35
October 12, 1973 36
April 22, 1975 39
December, 1975 40
December 25, 1975 41
January, 1976 41
January 25, 1976 44
February 21, 1976 46
1976 48
1976 49
1976 50
I am still not ready to meet God 50
1976 51
The time of saying goodbye has arrived 51
May 30, 1976 52
June 30, 1976 53
I make a will… 53
September, 1976 59
September, 1976 61
The Martyr of Naba’a 61
September 25, 1976 64
Martyrdom of Abu Hamadeh 64
October 10, 1976 65
October 10, 1976 66
October 12, 1976 68
November 14, 1976 69
November 18, 1976 70
Yater 70
November 21, 1976 70
March 4, 1977 70
March 9, 1977 72
June 27, 1977 72
Harouf 72
June 27, 1977 72
Ansar City 72
July 5, 1977 73
Heated Debate with the leftist parties in Borj Rahal 73
September 20, 1977 88
North Tower of Tyre 88
November, 1977 90
November, 1977 92
Martyr Seyyid Mustafa Khomeini's memorial in Lebanon 92
January, 1978 97
January 15, 1978 100
January 25, 1978 101
How do you protect the duck from the storm? 101
February 4, 1978 102
February 8, 1978 103
February 10, 1978 105
February 19, 1978 107
February 19, 1978 109
There was God and nothing else 109
Memoirs written in I.R. Iran
February 17, 1979 117
February 18, 1979 117
Beheshte Zahra Cemetery of Tehran 117
February 18, 1979 118
March, 1979 120
June, 1979 121
June, 1979 123
July 23, 1979 124
Message of Dr. Chamran to Iranian Nation 124
Index 129

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There was God and nothing else Inspiring Daily Memoirs of

Dr. Mustafa Chamran

Translated, annotated and edited by

Dr. Jafar Adamu

There was God and nothing else Inspiring Daily Memoirs of Dr. Mustafa Chamran

Translated, annotated and edited by Dr. Jafar Adamu

Original Title: Khuda bood wa digar heech na bood Translated Title: There was God and nothing else Author: Dr. Mustafa Chamran Translation and Editing: Dr. Jafar Adamu Graphics: Amina Barakah Publisher: International Resistance Publishers ISBN: 979-8-9861941-6-5 Year: 2023

Copyright Notice Copyright © 2023 by the International Resistance Publishers

International Resistance Publishers This book is protected by copyright. Publication in any form is prohibited and requires prior permission from the Publisher

Contents Editor’s Introduction ............................................................ 1 Preface ................................................................................ 3 Memoirs written in USA Beginning of Summer, 1959 ................................................ 11 Beginning of Spring, 1960 ................................................... 11 May 10, 1960 ..................................................................... 13 May 29, 1960 ..................................................................... 13 October 18, 1960 ................................................................ 14 May 12, 1961 ..................................................................... 15 September 1, 1961 .............................................................. 16 May 10, 1965 ..................................................................... 17 Memoirs written in Lebanon May, 1967 ......................................................................... 21 Mission to Bourj Hammoud .................................. 21 An Old Warrior..................................................... 26 May, 1967 ......................................................................... 28 A mother who wails and cries, a father who has fainted....................................................................28 June, 1967 ......................................................................... 29 October 22, 1971 ................................................................ 29 December 9, 1971 .............................................................. 30 November, 1972................................................................. 32 November, 1972................................................................. 32 Intellect and Heart ................................................. 32 November, 1972................................................................. 35

There was God and nothing else October 12, 1973 ................................................................ 36 April 22, 1975 .................................................................... 39 December, 1975 ................................................................. 40 December 25, 1975 ............................................................. 41 January, 1976 ..................................................................... 41 January 25, 1976 ................................................................ 44 February 21, 1976............................................................... 46 1976................................................................................... 48 1976................................................................................... 49 1976................................................................................... 50 I am still not ready to meet God ............................. 50 1976................................................................................... 51 The time of saying goodbye has arrived .................. 51 May 30, 1976 ..................................................................... 52 June 30, 1976 ..................................................................... 53 I make a will… ...................................................... 53 September, 1976 ................................................................. 59 September, 1976 ................................................................. 61 The Martyr of Naba’a ............................................ 61 September 25, 1976 ............................................................ 64 Martyrdom of Abu Hamadeh ................................. 64 October 10, 1976 ................................................................ 65 October 10, 1976 ................................................................ 66 October 12, 1976 ................................................................ 68 November 14, 1976 ............................................................ 69 November 18, 1976 ............................................................ 70 Yater ..................................................................... 70

Contents November 21, 1976 ............................................................ 70 March 4, 1977 .................................................................... 70 March 9, 1977 ................................................................... 72 June 27, 1977 ..................................................................... 72 Harouf .................................................................. 72 June 27, 1977 ..................................................................... 72 Ansar City ............................................................ 72 July 5, 1977 ....................................................................... 73 Heated Debate with the leftist parties in Borj Rahal. 73 September 20, 1977 ............................................................ 88 North Tower of Tyre ............................................. 88 November, 1977................................................................. 90 November, 1977................................................................. 92 Martyr Seyyid Mustafa Khomeini's memorial in Lebanon ............................................................... 92 January, 1978 .................................................................... 97 January 15, 1978 ............................................................... 100 January 25, 1978 ............................................................... 101 How do you protect the duck from the storm? ........ 101 February 4, 1978 ............................................................... 102 February 8, 1978 ............................................................... 103 February 10, 1978 ............................................................. 105 February 19, 1978 ............................................................. 107 February 19, 1978 ............................................................. 109 There was God and nothing else ........................... 109 Memoirs written in I.R. Iran February 17, 1979 ............................................................. 117

There was God and nothing else February 18, 1979............................................................. 117 Beheshte Zahra Cemetery of Tehran ..................... 117 February 18, 1979............................................................. 118 March, 1979 ..................................................................... 120 June, 1979........................................................................ 121 June, 1979........................................................................ 123 July 23, 1979 .................................................................... 124 Message of Dr. Chamran to Iranian Nation .......... 124 Index ............................................................................... 129

Editor’s Introduction The collection of selected inspiring daily memoirs of Dr. Mustafa Chamran reveal yet another aspect of this great heroic man of God. It shows how he voluntarily migrated in the path of God to help oppressed leaving his beloved ones behind. How he left his successful scientific career and prepared himself to plunge into life-threatening dangers, sorrows, pains, sufferings and self-sacrifices. How he worked very hard day and night to educate, train and empower the oppressed and deprived youth of Lebanon and brought back their self-respect and made them courageous enough to face most powerful enemies and take back their usurped rights while at the same time inculcated them with Islamic ideology and revolutionary lifestyle and prepared them for martyrdom. This was indeed a miracle of Dr. Chamran to bring a metamorphic change in the minds of youths who had lost their precious Islamic heritage at the hands of deviant ideologies and foreign conspirators. He was a divine human being who kept a very strong and intimate bond intact with his Creator not only in normal situations but also in the most difficult moments of his life. It is worth mentioning as to how he whispered to God about his personal feelings, sorrows, inner pains, loneliness, missing his loved ones, leaving them for the sake of orphans and oppressed and always sought help and strength from Him. These memoirs also reveal his exceptional courage several times in the face of utmost danger to his life. The way he would calmly pass through most dangerous places and put his life at the altar of death to help downtrodden people of Lebanon on regular basis and was miraculously never caught is yet another aspect of this sincere follower of Imam Ali (as) and Imam Husayn (as). In addition, he was not afraid to speak out all alone in the gatherings of opponents of the Movement of the Deprived 1

There was God and nothing else and smash them to surrender with his powerful style of debate, superior knowledge and strong arguments. Finally, these memoirs also give a very beautiful insight into the spiritual and mystical personality of Dr. Chamran. For example, in a very attractive style, he describes the beginning of creation by God and then proves superiority of human being over all the creatures as vicegerent of God on earth. In another memoir, he describes superiority of heart over intellect with a vivid prose. Perhaps, the most impressive aspect of these memoirs is the sincerity of Dr. Chamran to God, his intense love for God, his indifference to material world and his readiness to face death at any moment – he was always ready for it. While translating and preparing these memoirs for the English speaking readers, modifications were made in the original text as it was written in a highly informal style with long sentences. Footnotes, in addition to those in the original text, were added to provide the readers with background information about personalities, places, events and important terms. Dates were converted to Gregorian Calendar. It is hoped that these memoirs will especially inspire young readers and guide them to take Dr. Chamran as their role model and motivate them to acquire par excellence human qualities of this great human being. In the end I thank Mr. Mohammad Yahya and Dr. Khadija for their help in preparing this book. May God elevate his spirit and eternally shower His special blessings reserved for His friends Dr. Jafar Adamu October, 2023

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Preface The epic creating, heroic and full of ups and downs life of Dr. Mustafa Chamran has taken shape from very different and sensitive stages. The special conditions of each stage are entirely memorable starting from the struggle for the nationalization of the Iranian oil industry and then during the period of unrest after the coup d’état of August 191, then several years later he spent his life in America and then in Egypt and after that, during the epic era in Lebanon near the borders of Israel and after the victory of the Islamic Revolution of Iran, in his Islamic homeland undertaking various responsibilities and missions. These periods are very different from each other, but what connects all these periods is his line of thought, his sincere faith and his love for the evolution of the human spirit and ascension from this muddy world and reaching the beloved2 and meeting the truth. He never rested even for a moment. He devoted himself to serving the creatures of God and fighting in the way of God and he did not expect anything, nor feared anyone except God, the Almighty. It was all love, it was affection, it was passion, it was sincere effort, it was struggle, it was self-improvement, it was human-nurturing, it was establishing organizations, it was pain and sorrow, it was loneliness and flight to perfection, it was a cry of heart, and finally it was martyrdom. Mustafa Chamran, who was born on 2nd October3, 1932, spent his childhood and elementary years in Intisarieh August 19, 1953, Iranian coup d'état, was the U.S.- and UK-supported, Iranian army-led overthrow of the democratically elected Prime Minister Mohammad Mosaddegh for bringing back the rule of Mohammad Reza Shah Pahlavi. It was code named Operation Ajax and orchestrated by CIA and MI6. 2 Means God. 3 9th Mehr, 1311 SH 1

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There was God and nothing else Elementary School (15 Khordad St., Audlajan), and his middle and high school years in Dar al-Funun and Alborz high schools in Tehran. He then studied at the Faculty of Engineering at the University of Tehran and graduated in the year 1956 with bachelor’s degree in Electrical Engineering. He was an excellent student. He was always a top student and a role model throughout his studies. Besides, he was a prominent participant in all the political and religious campaigns. He was an example of a hardworking chaste teenager and youth, deep in insight and friendly with everyone. Being awarded the top student scholarship to study abroad, he went to the United States to continue his studies, and first at the Texas A & M University, he obtained a master's degree in electrical engineering. After that he went to one of the largest and most important and famous universities in the United States, University of California, Berkeley and under the guidance of the most prominent scientists in Physics, he received his doctorate with summa cum laude in the field of electronics and plasma physics. Then he spent some time as a staff scientist in few most famous research centers such as Bell Company Laboratories and NASA’s jet propulsion lab working with famous scientists and researchers on important projects. Again, during this admirable and unique path of life, he was the founder and organizer of the anti-colonial and antityrant campaigns against Shah’s tyrant regime and the founder of extensive Islamic activities in America. After the defeat of the Arabs in the war of 1967, the vast land of America became suffocating for him, and he went to Europe, Algeria and Egypt to learn military techniques and guerrilla warfare, and he stayed in Egypt for two years. After the death of Jamal Abdel Nasser4, and at the invitation of Imam Musa Sadr, then the leader of Shias of Lebanon, he entered the land of disaster, pain and suffering of Muslims, especially the Shiites of Lebanon, and

Jamal Abdel Nasser was president of Egypt, passed away on September 28, 1970. 4

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Preface settled in the city of Tyre5 in the south of Lebanon, next to the borders of Israel, but he was present everywhere in Lebanon. Anywhere, where there was danger, where there was calamity and there was need of resistance, Dr. Chamran was present with the homeless people of Lebanon. In Lebanon, he undertook the establishment of armed guerilla organizations, which, at the same time, were based on Islamic and religious enlightenment, ideology and teachings of Islamic school of thought. He indoctrinated and trained the most skilled and brave warriors of Islam, whose next generations and students are still today in Lebanon and they create epics of heroism based on Islamic revolutionary beliefs and spirit of martyrdom. After the victory of the Islamic Revolution in Iran, he enthusiastically came to Iran with a group of 92 religious and political elites of Lebanon and met his honorable Imam Khomeini and stayed in Iran on Imam’s advice. Although he was also simultaneously busy in the carrying out his plans in Lebanon, he was also one of the founders of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps in Iran by the order of the Imam, and then in suppressing the dangerous and separatist conspiracies of the enemies in Kurdistan. While he was the deputy of the prime minister, he put on a combat uniform and carried a weapon, and by establishing the unorganized and irregular guerrilla warfare and use of the armed forces, especially the people, he crushed the powerful plots of the enemies and registered his name in Paveh6 and epic events of its liberation from enemies and the historic decree of Imam

Tyre (Sur) is the fourth largest city in Lebanon after Beirut, Tripoli, and Sidon and located in the South Governorate. It has three Palestinian refugee camps in Lebanon Burj El Shimali, El Buss, and Rashidieh. It has the Jafariya School founded in 1938 by Imam Abdul Hussein Sharafeddin. Imam Musa Sadr laid foundation of Islamic University of Lebanon in Tyre in 1967. 6 Paveh is a city in the Central District of Paveh County, Kermanshah province, Iran, near the border with Iraq. Separatist plots by armed Kurdish militants supported by Saddam started after Islamic revolution and during imposed war. 5

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There was God and nothing else Khomeini (ra)7 forever in history. With the start of the imposed war on Iran, he went to Khuzestan and took the command of the popular and military volunteer forces under the title of ‘Irregular Wars Headquarters’ and added yet another thick book of bravery, self-sacrifices, epics and resistances to his glorious life. Finally, while his name and his fighting inspired brave soldiers, his friends and shook the backs of the aggressor enemies, at the time of noon on June 21, 1981, in a village called Dehalavieh near Susangerd8, he embraced martyrdom with a shrapnel from the enemy's mortar. He ascended and reached high to meet Allah and rushed towards his God so as to be blessed with divine sustenance and be close to Him forever. The publication of these compact and concise self-written lines of his life was necessary because these were written during different moments of his life and in different societies and conditions and with his straight line of thought. All these are compiled in this collection of hand written notes. It should be made clear and specific that he has written these notes in America, Lebanon or in Iran, and so the situations and conditions of that time should also be taken into consideration. Dr. Chamran never used to sit idle for a moment. He either worked or read or wrote. Even if a meeting was held a few minutes later, he used that short opportunity and wrote, and what he wrote, he wrote for himself and with his heart, not for others and not because it was to be published one day. These were his heart's whispers, sometimes with God, and sometimes with Ali (as) and sometimes with Husayn (as). Sometimes he writes a report, and sometimes he manifests his poetic and mystical spirit, and with his heart, he takes a malakuti9 flight and Imam Khomeini (ra) issued a statement praising Dr. Chamran after victory of liberation of Paveh. 8 Susangerd is a city in the Central District of Dasht-e Azadegan County, Khuzestan province, Iran. A monument has been built on place of martyrdom of Dr. Chamran and it is visited by millions every year. 9 Malakut is the hidden or inner world which is the divine rule of God on the whole 7

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Preface a spiritual ascent, and sometimes he writes historical facts with simplicity and openness while in other writings, he expresses his pains, sufferings and sorrows, all of which were social pains and sufferings. He wrote about every topic and whatever was occupying his thoughts at that moment with a beautiful expression and a simple pen. And he clearly wrote what was going on inside him. Sometimes of his enthusiasm and fervor, sometimes of his divine love and affection, sometimes of his pains and sufferings, and sometimes about his war and struggle, resistance and martyrdom, and finally a moment in the malakuti flight. And sometimes he spoke in a mystical manner. What is important is that he did not write these with the intention that someone would read them and put a balm on his painful and bleeding heart or praise him, but it was an inner secret of his heart and need and his own mystical journey that is fortunately available to us today. In the selection of these hand written diaries and notes, there was no specific subject or topic in view and from every topic and every discussion, it was selected only because the time of writing was specified with a date. Therefore, this is a collection of dated notes of Dr. Chamran that is written with different styles and in various places and so are completely diverse. However, in all of them, despite the difference in time and place, there is a direct divine line that is observable. It is clear that everywhere and all the times he traveled all his life lovingly and mystically following the path of Ali (as) and Husayn (as) without fear of tyrants, satanic powers and seeking excuses. From the very beginning, he was looking at the shining light of martyrdom and at the end, he achieves this malakuti flight and peace. This selection of historical manuscripts was first proposed by our young and good writer, Mr. Majid Qaisari, by searching among all of Dr. Chamran's manuscripts and then he compiled a beautiful collection to which other notes were added later. creation. Mulk on the other hand represents physical realm.

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There was God and nothing else Therefore, I must thank this interested and artistic friend of mine, who has an obvious right, and may God reward him fully for his endeavor. Since some manuscripts needed to be described and explained, or in a number of manuscripts written in Lebanon, Arabic words and phrases were used that were unknown to us, necessary explanation have been provided in footnotes. Let's hope that the Great God will bless us with complete success of knowing better and ever more these men who made history and the great martyrs who were truly unique. Mahdi Chamran

8

Memoirs Written in USA

Beginning of Summer, 1959 I have decided to be a good person from now on, to give up sins10, to completely surrender my heart to God, to turn my back on the world and whatever is in it. Yes, let me put my pleasure in being with tears out of sadness. I have spent my childhood in high-mindedness, honor, austerity and piety. I have been a good person. I must decide that from now onwards I will change myself. The events of one's life make a person mature and even sins burn a person like fire.

Beginning of Spring, 1960 It has been almost a year since I am burning in fire. I remember only a few nights when I fell asleep without tears in my eyes and without the fiery sighs turning my heart and soul into ashes! O God, I don't know how long I should burn? How long will I suffer? You have been a witness everywhere and always. I had a pure love11 and I related it to the worship of the holy essence but its end turned into a burning fire that has reduced my being to ashes. I feel like I will burn forever. I will be a burning candle that maybe humanity will enjoy my burning! O God, I ask you for patience and I am coming to you. O God, help me. Today, the 19th of Ramadan, is the day when the supreme

Sins for those near to God means their attention towards anything other than God. For friends of God (awliya), even a moment of their love for anything other than God is considered by them as a great sin. However, for a normal believer it is not. Thus Dr. Chamran refers to sin as only his attention towards world and not completely surrendering his heart to God – He doesn’t mean committing a sin physically. 11 Throughout this book, word ‘love’ (Ishq) is used by Dr. Chamran as pure love for God. 10

11

There was God and nothing else leader of humanity drowns in his own blood. It is a day that reminds me of his sacrifice, greatness and magnanimity. I sincerely ask him to give me strength. I lovingly offer him my tears, that is, the essence of my life. I seek refuge in the mountains… to share my secrets and needs with him in solitude after thousands of miles and centuries and to open the knots of my heart. O God, I don't know what is my aim in life? The world and whatever is in it do not satisfy me. I see people running everywhere, working hard to get to the point that they are aiming for. But O Great God, I hate the things that others are looking for. Although I pursue and work more than others, although I sacrifice the rest of the night and the vitality of the day for activity and work, but the result does not please me. I just take a step forward as a duty and participate in the struggle of life, and in this way I do not expect any results! Fatigue has become meaningless to me, sleeplessness has become normal and usual, I have become stable under the burden of sadness and grief like a mountain. Suffering and torment are no longer a source of pain for me. Wherever I want, I get up to go whenever it is necessary, I eat whatever comes, whether I sleep on the ground on the hills around Berkeley12 or in the middle of the night when I wander like a vagabond until the morning on the deserted hills and roads. I walked alone. How many long days I have spent with hunger. I am a dervish, I am a wanderer in the valley of humanity and maybe I am out of humanity because I don't have feelings and desires like others. O Great God, what is left for me? On what should I put my name? Will my skin and bones identify my name and personality? Will my ideas, dreams and imagination represent personality? What constitutes ‘me’? What is it that others know me by?...

12

University of California at Berkeley

12

Memoirs written in USA I look within myself, I search around to find a point on my existence that is at least comprehensible to me. In the meantime, I find nothing but a burning heart, the flames of which are burning, and sometimes it lights up my being, and sometimes I am buried under its ashes. Yes, I see nothing but a burning heart from my existence. I measure everything with it. I see the world through its lens. The colors change and the creatures take on a different appearance.

May 10, 1960 I had no idea that there is a fire in the world that burns more than fire inside! I was burned, I was burned, but I wish it was only the burning of the fire. I wish it burned me, crushed my bones and threw my ashes to the wind and left no trace of me, a poor, heart-burnt, painful person.

May 29, 1960 You make mighty whomever You wish, and You degrade whomever You wish13 O Great God, O my ultimate ideal, O ultimate of human aspirations, I prostrate before You, I prostrate You, I worship You, I thank You, I praise You, only You, yes, only You, O Great God, only You are worthy of thanks and praise, You are beloved of mankind. Only You. I am missing You. But alas! I often worship the deceptive and fleeting manifestations of the world instead of You14. I love them and forget You! Although I can't (call it) forgetting because a beauty or a deceptive pretense is also Your manifestation and being mesmerized by Your manifestations is also love for Your essence.

Holy Qur’an, Surah Aale Imran, verse 26 It’s a beautiful and delicate mystical expression of Dr. Chamran when he feels that his attention is slightly shifted from God to creatures. 13 14

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There was God and nothing else Whenever I have been fascinated by anything, in fact I have loved You in the depths of my heart. So, O Great God! Do not blame me for this. Just give me the capacity and merit so that I can get closer to You as much as possible and on the long road that I have towards Your infinite and eternal garden, these insignificant greeneries and mosses do not attract my attention and do not distract me from the real path. In the world, I am happy for small things that have no value and I suffer for things that are baseless. These joys and sorrows are because of my lack of capacity. I am still trapped in the prison of my sorrow. I am still a prisoner of my happiness and pleasure... The long chain of hopes and dreams has tied my wings and feathers, and I am far away from freedom, yes, true freedom. But, O Great God, at this stage I feel that You are instructing me like a wise guide, showing me Your holy verses and teaching me a lesson. Sometimes in a matter of fear and terror, I was afraid of something and You helped me. You made impossible, forbidden and unachievable things possible, and maybe there were times when I had faith and confidence in something, but You took it from me and made me sad and showed me that the will and providence of everything is in Your hands. We work, we go up and down, but humiliation and honor are only in Your hands.

October 18, 1960 O grief, my fiery salam to you, greetings from my heart to you, my soul be sacrificed for you. You, O sadness, come and be my endless companion. Come, your company is enough for me. Come, when I am burning, come when anger squeezes my throat. Come, when I offer you tears. Come, when I throw my heart at your feet. O grief, come, my heart is withered, my soul is withered, my heart is broken, and my cup of patience is overflowing, come and untie my knots, come and free me from the world, come, 14

Memoirs written in USA because I severely need you. O grief, you have been with me more than anyone else during my life. I have spoken to you more than to anyone else and you have given me a positive answer more than anyone. Come now, I want to hold you in my heart forever and fall into your arms. Come, I don't know a better friend than you. Come as you want and I need you. Come, as your wavy ship has a place in the sea of my heart, come, my heart is connected to eternity and infinity like the sky, and you can fly freely in it.

May 12, 1961 O God, I am tired and exhausted, I don't have any more breath, my patience and motivation is over. Life is hard and boring in my view. I want to escape from everyone, I want to escape to the treasure of solitude. Alas! I am heartbroken, I am crushed under the pressure. O God, I come to You and I ask You for help. I have no recourse or refuge except You. Let only You know. Only You should be aware of my conscience. I submit tears of my eyes to You. O God, help me, months have passed that I have come to You less often, most of my time has been spent for others. O God, forgive me. I am tired and fed up with science and knowledge, work and effort, with the world and all my friends, with teachers and schools, with the earth and the sky. O God, I like to spend some time alone with You. Just to cry with tears, just moan and release my internal pressures and complexes. O grief, my old friend, salam to you, come as my heart misses you. O Great God, I do not understand the meaning of life. Things that are enjoyable for others, bore me. I am completely fed up with everything. I even hate happiness and pleasure. The things that others run after, I run away from. Things 15

There was God and nothing else that are enjoyable for others bore me. My heart is completely fed up of everything, I even hate happiness and pleasure. The things that others run after, I run away from them. Just a heavenly angel that always casts a shadow on my heart and soul. It never bores me. He is just an old friend whom I have known since the beginning of my life and I still enjoy his gatherings. There is only one sweet syrup, one light-emitting and sweet song that is forever fun, and that is sadness, my old friend.

September 1, 1961 I have full responsibility to stand in front of hardships and calamities to endure all the discomforts to accept the sufferings and to burn like candle and light the way for others to give spiritual enlightenment to the dead, to satiate those who are thirsty to know the truth and reality. O Great God, I have undertaken this historical responsibility in front of you, and You are the one who oversees my actions and You are the only one to whom I seek refuge and ask for help. O God, I must be superior in terms of knowledge, lest my enemies mock me in this way. I have to prove to those hardhearted people who use science as an excuse and sell pride to others that they are not even the dust under my feet. I must bring all those proud and arrogant dark-hearted people to their knees. At that moment, I myself will be the most humble and modest person on earth. O Great God, these are the things that I want from You that I just want to use in Your way, and You know very well that I had the talent for it. I ask You to help me so that my work will be fruitful and I will not bow my head in front of Khasan (star)15. I have to work more, avoid whims, concentrate my The North Star, also known as Polaris, appears to stay fixed in northern sky from earth. Dr. Chamran uses this as a metaphor. 15

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Memoirs written in USA energies more, and I ask You, O Great God, to help me more. You, my God, know that I have no desire but Your way and Your perfection and beauty. That what I want is what You have ordered and You know that honor and humiliation are in Your hands and I know that without You I am nothing and I sincerely ask for help and take my hand again.

May 10, 1965 God, I seek refuge in You God, I come to You God, I am miserable God, I am burning God, my heart is bursting God, I am suffering God, the world seems dark to me God, I have become unfortunate O God, love, even the love of my most loved ones, has become murky. God, I am miserable. O God, the sky of my hopes and dreams has become dark and murky. I seek refuge in You and I extend my help seeking hand to You. Help me now. Save me. Give me relief. Give peace to my aching heart. I have no one but You and the truth is that I have no one but You. I can't trust anyone, I can't live with anyone. I am tired of everyone. I am sad about everyone. I suffer from the world. I am tired, I am worn-out, I am withered and my heart is dead. Even though everyone thinks I am fortunate. With that I go to the most important missions. Although I should be happy and smiling. But how depressed and sad I am. Sadness squeezes my heart, I can't even cry. I am about to suffocate. 17

There was God and nothing else O God, I seek refuge in You. You saved me, only You and only You are the one who can help me in such a situation. I come to You. I need Your help and no one but You can untie my knot.

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Memoirs written in Lebanon

May, 1967 Mission to Bourj Hammoud16 By order of Imam Musa Sadr, I went to Bourj Hammoud. The area has been under siege by Kataeb17 for months. No one could leave the area. Every day some Muslims were killed in this area. A few days ago, six people from Srifa18, a village in the south were slaughtered while leaving Bourj Hammoud, four of whom were from Harakat al-Mahrumeen19... Poverty and hunger were rampant. Perhaps ninety percent of the people have fled from this storm-hit area. A city that has been bombed, afflicted, and that has suffered a lot. Invaded and bombarded day and night! I was assigned to go to that area and distribute some flour, rice, sugar and other necessities, see the needs of the people closely and find a solution for these starving and afflicted people. The plan was worked out. We left for Bourj Hammoud in a car accompanied by three Armenians, one of whom was the editor of a major Armenian newspaper. For such a trip, a person must write his last will and be ready to die. I did the same... I have been like this for months and it seems that my life and death are the same! Bourj Hammoud is a town and municipality in Lebanon located north-east of the capital Beirut, in the Matn District, and is part of Greater Beirut. The town is heavily populated by Armenians. 17 One of the extremist Christian parties known as Phalangists. It was founded by Pierre Gemayel in 1936. It played a major role in the Lebanese Civil War (1975– 1990) and committed several massacres of Muslims and Palestinians. It was fully supported by USA, France and Zionist entity. 18 Srifa is a town in Southern Lebanon, located in Tyre District, Governorate of South Lebanon. It is located 22 kilometers east of the city Tyre and 90 kilometers south of the capital Beirut. 19 It was first organization of Lebanese Shia youth established by Doctor Chamran with the support and leadership of Imam Musa Sadr. Translated to English as Movement of Deprived or Underprivileged or Downtrodden. 16

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There was God and nothing else We left the Muslim inhabited area. There was a barrage of bullets. It was a death zone. It was the separating zone between Muslims and Christians. There was no moving object in that area. Heavy bombings had torn the streets to pieces. The water pipes were pierced and the water was gushing out. Exploded and burnt cars could be seen in every corner... How horrible! Death had cast a shadow everywhere... Here was the Beirut’s Mathaf20 museum and the famous Dieu hospital21, and the most beautiful and lively sightseeing spots of Beirut, that were abandoned on this black day... We entered the Kataeb checkpoint. Some officers and some militiamen were on guard and were searching every car... It was a dangerous moment. If they recognize me, my job was done. They chop the head of every Muslim here. Thousands of Muslims have died at this point in the most painful situation... the moment of death... waiting for death! How terrible it is... But it doesn't matter to me. Death is beautiful and loving to me. I have been in love with death for many years... I was sitting in the back of the car calmly and peacefully with a sweet smile. Three Armenians were with me. Armenians were immune from aggression. They were considered part of the soldiers of the United Nations and live in the areas between Muslims and Christians. The Dieu hospital’s checkpoint was the most dangerous checkpoint of the Kataeb and Ahrar22 and is considered a

20

Beirut National Museum

21 Hôtel-Dieu de France is one of the three leading Lebanese hospitals. It is located

on Alfred Naccache Boulevard in Beirut. It was established in 1888 and is the oldest active French hospital in Beirut. Hôtel-Dieu derives its name from its origins as a catholic institution and translates to “hostel of God.” Presently, it is the university hospital of Saint Joseph University of Beirut. 22 The Guardians of the Cedars (Hurras al-Arz) were an extremist Christian ultranationalist Lebanese party and former militia in Lebanon. They were against presence of Palestinians in Lebanon and committed massacres of Muslims and Palestinians during Lebanese civil war (1975-1990). In the summer of 1976, the Guardians were among the first militias to assault and commit massacre in the Tal

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Memoirs written in Lebanon weapon’s store house by the Muslims. And the Eastern entrance (Madkhal al-Sharqiya) is the center of power of Kataebs. Cars were passing one after the other through the checkpoint. This indicated that everyone was a Christian and there was no Muslim. Finally, our car reached the checkpoint. An officer from Jaish Barakat23 who served in the dress of the Kataebs was the officer of the checkpoint and his clothes showed that he was a special services officer. He asked for identification. The Armenians showed each of their ID cards and he carefully observed everyone and looked at their faces. He spoke a few words and asked few questions and got answers... It was my turn... my heart was pounding. But I kept my composure. I surrendered to fate and trusted in God and calmly and peacefully stared at that officer's face... But as I knew that I could not survive with a Muslim ID card, I was carrying a foreign passport with a face similar to mine. I gave it to him. He took the passport and looked at it carefully and gave me a deep and scary look... It was angel of death's look... I spoke to him a few words of thick French and said that I am a doctor and that I have come to visit the French hospital... He seemed to believe my words and impressed by my effective and calm look and returned the passport and we left the gate of death. We passed and entered Ashrafieh.24 It was a war-torn city area with everyone armed, even the small children. Traces of explosions and damage could be seen everywhere. A scary city with fear everywhere like a castle that is waiting for the attack of the enemy. All women were dressed in black, with pictures of the dead on the walls, shadows of death and mourning on the doors Zaatar, the last remaining Palestinian refugee camp in east Beirut. 23 Colonel Barakat's Army (Jaish Barakat), was a predominantly Christian splinter faction of the Lebanese Army that came to play a major role in the 1975–77 phase of the Lebanese Civil War. They collaborated with Kataeb against Muslims and Palestinians. 24 Ashrafieh (Achrafieh) is an upper-class area in eastern Beirut mainly inhabited by Christians. During the Lebanese Civil War, Ashrafieh was the Beirut’s heartland of the extremist Christian militias under the Lebanese Front.

23

There was God and nothing else and walls were apparent. It is really had great impact. We passed by Ashrafieh and reached Bourj Hammoud. We passed through the adjoining area, which was in the hands of Armenians and was known as the UN designated area through which only Armenian youths can pass. Muslims or Kataebs did not have the right to carry weapons. Radio and television, cigarettes and various commodities were piled up for sale on the side of the streets. A lot of people were seen on the streets. The neighborhoods of Armenians were not like those of Muslims or Christians and it seemed that they took advantage of war and their neutrality has caused them to be respected by both sides because everyone needed them... I entered Naba’a25, a fortress that had witnessed suffering, is broken, deprived, mourned, hungry, needy, and whatever that hurts the human heart and affects the soul. An area that has been bombarded more than any other area, has caused casualties, has been starved, and besieged, and has endured the sufferings of this dirty war. When I walked in Naba’a, I felt sympathy and affection for all its people, children, women, and fighters. The feeling that these people are struggling with death day and night, they live under the danger of explosion day and night. Day and night, they hear the voice of death knocking at their door and taking them away one by one. The feeling that they are resisting danger and hunger and still walking and breathing... These various feelings affected me and for them I held a special place in my heart… First, I went to the hospital... the hospital that Imam Musa Sadr had established with the help of the French... O God, how painful it was! Two men who were shot were dying, struggling

Naba'a is a densely populated Shia eastern suburb in the municipality of Bourj Hammoud, in Matn District of Beirut. The Christian militias laid siege to the Naba’a, in August 1976, the residents were killed and wounded and were forced to evacuate the area to different locations including West Beirut and the Beqaa. 25

24

Memoirs written in Lebanon with death on the operating table. Blood was dripping from their bodies and flowing on the ground. Several other injured people were sitting in the waiting room... it was very painful... Then I went to the Harakat26 Office and talked to the young people and asked about their problems. And then I went to the front lines to visit the fighters... I was not more than a few meters away from the enemy lines. Our youths were passing behind the net of sandbags on this side of the alley, and on the other side, right in front of us, there were enemy sandbags. If two warriors stared at each other through the hole between the bags, they could even tell each other's eye color, and I wonder how a human could look into another human's eye so closely and kill him! Many Muslim and Christian fighters had died at this point. It was considered a dangerous point.27 The fighters were slipping on their nerves. Excessive sensitivity and fear of the enemy, fear of every sound, every movement and finger on the trigger of the gun, sharp and staring eyes from the hole between the sandbags and a state of waiting and watching carefully... Different rooms, shelters, hiding places, ambushes... I visited everywhere and passed through places where there was a danger of death. It means that I was exposed to the enemy's bullets, but I moved forward with full strength, sufficient speed and strong faith. The fighters who did not know me were surprised. They expected me to sit behind the table like other commanders and listen to the reports of the officials and then issue orders. But they saw that I also pass side by side from one dangerous place to another (Haft Khawan Rostam)28 with the courageous fighters and jump even better than them and cross Harakat al-Mahrumeen, or Amal movement Dr. Chamran has written another note ‘Naba’a Shaheed’ in the book Lebanon. 28 Dr. Chamran uses metaphoric language of Haft Khawan Rostam that are the names of seven difficult battles in Hakim Ferdowsi's Shahnameh, which Rostam son of Zal fought. 26 27

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There was God and nothing else obstacles faster than others... It was strange for those who didn't know me! An Old Warrior Among our warriors was an old man whose long white hair gave him a special distinction. He had a machine gun and was following us. His young son was one of our military officials and the old man instinctively took up arms to protect his son and while he also protected us. He had a dignified face and piercing eyes, in which one could read the coldness and warmth of life and life's experiences. He was short, thin and dignified, agile and courageous in passing obstacles quickly, and his command was obeyed and respected by everyone. In addition to his experience, old age and white beard, this father was in charge of the military wing. It seemed that this old fighter was surprised by my recklessness and speed. I felt his respect for me in the sparkle of his eyes and the smile of his lips... I was also fascinated by him and I was overwhelmed with joy and pride that such a brave old fighter was running forward and I carefully observed his movements from under my eyes and in my heart admired his youthful spirit... We passed by Cinema Plaza. There was an Armenian area, and then there was a Palestinian school, that was left abandoned between the Muslim and Christian areas. In the past, Fatah29 had used this school for ambush, but then due to the escalation of the war, it left the ambush. We quickly reached the school, which was near the enemy's bases. We inspected the school and checked the points of attack and defense. There were pierced walls with holes everywhere, the places where the fighting men were martyred. We saw the escape routes and the secret ways to penetrate the enemy... places where we could watch over the enemy and could monitor all their movements... and finally we passed through there and reached a point where

Fatah, the Palestinian National Liberation Movement is the largest faction of the confederated multi-party Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO). Yasser Arafat (d. 2004) was the founder of Fatah in 1959. 29

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Memoirs written in Lebanon there was a great danger. We were hiding behind the short walls and we were waiting to get to another safe place one by one with a quick jump... I held my breath and tightened my muscles and made a firm decision to go with the advice of our military official. All of a sudden, I saw the old fighter going out from the support of the wall... while he was in danger. No one said a word or protested. Because the old fighter himself was a master of war and aware of danger, and no one dared to speak to him. We were all immersed in a deep and complete silence and looked at the old man with surprise and fear... The old man walked slowly and accepted the danger of bullets and as if he did not think about death... I noticed immediately!... I saw him going towards some wild flowers that were growing among the ruins and among the grass. I understood that he was going towards the flowers.. I realized that an internal force beyond physical life, the power that originates from love and beauty drives him forward... I sighed and offered him my deepest greetings from my heart and soul... He transferred the machine gun to his left hand. He walked slowly and respectfully, picked a flower and returned back to the wall... How shocking indeed! How strange and how beautiful and loving it was... a fighter with coolness of snow on his head, a gun in one hand and a flower in the other, joy in his eyes and the passion of love in his heart, in danger of being in the enemy's bullet range, he goes in search of beauty to give beauty to courage. What a courage! What a sacrifice! He himself was the greatest manifestation of it. He brought the flower and gave me as gift... I wanted to say ‘thank you’, but my lips were trembling, my heart was boiling and I couldn't speak out my voice... so I answered him with a drop of tears.

27

There was God and nothing else

May, 1967 A mother who wails and cries, a father who has fainted... How painful it was... what a chaos and commotion! What a cry and wail! Everyone ran out. The alley behind the hospital was full of armed men. The armed men wanted to forcefully enter the hospital. The armed guards of the hospital prevented them with force. The shouting and fighting between the armed men and women’s screams increased… The old father fainted and fell on ground… some of the armed men wanted to take him to hospital, some others wanted to transfer him to his house, everyone pulled him to his side and his shirt was pulled up and his swollen stomach was sticking out. His head was down and his hands were hanging. His shoes were off and his pants were up to his knees... what a ridiculous scene! But how painful! And how touching it was! I could not bear it. I got angry with this indecision and conflict between people. I ordered the armed men to take the old man to the hospital and put him to sleep. A heroic young man from us, of weak body physique and dark complexion, immediately put his one hand under the man's legs and tied the other hand around his waist and pulled him out of the people's hands with one quick move and turn and quickly entered the hospital... But the wailing of the old woman, attracted everyone's attention. She was the mother who fell unconscious on the ground but was still screaming and the women were pulling her to this side and that side... I was boiling and roaring from the bottom of my heart and I was walking up and down this dirty alley and asking myself why? Why should it be so? Why so much pain? All this misery? All these crimes? I was shedding tears and walking fast... Why should a father and a mother be trapped in this dark and gloomy days of life? There was pain, there was wailing, there was misery… 28

Memoirs written in Lebanon Their young and lively son was targeted by snipers30 and had lost his life…

June, 1967 God, what a great blessing you have given me that I am not afraid of death and do not kneel down before the threats and temptations of the short-sighted and the senseless, it is a strange time, terror and fear rule everywhere. By the force of bayonets and bullets, they make people submit to their orders and thoughts, and people also prostrate themselves before force... But I, I am in pain, and death is sweet and attractive to me, I have always smiled at death and always welcomed it. I am in hurry, I have no hopes and dreams in this world and I do not lose anything by death... I feel strength and peace in front of these incompetents, and both enemies and friends wonder how it is possible for me to stand up so boldly in front of the storm of events and accept the terrible waves of death and smile so calmly and confidently?

October 22, 1971 Today around noon, two Israeli Mirage warplanes while flying at low altitude broke the sound barrier. They passed over the school. Our school is located in the best place and has the tallest buildings, and for that reason, it was the focus of Israeli pilots. All the windows of the building were damaged as if there was an explosion, all the students rushed out. I was outside the school and I saw the planes for a few moments when they passed over the school, they also passed over the Palestinian camp and with their ear-splitting noises, it was as if they wanted to scare them too. Of course, this is not the first time that Israeli planes appear above our heads. How much the white smoke of the Israeli planes decorates the sky of Tyre or the fragile sound of Several snipers of the Kataeb were positioned on Shiyah, the Shia populated area of Beirut and used to target them with their bullets. 30

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There was God and nothing else the planes from behind the clouds causes anxiety... In the middle of the roads in the south of Lebanon, security guards stand in and control the road, and a passport or a permit is required to pass through these points. When a woman was stopped by soldiers at one of these checkpoints and she was not allowed to pass, the woman got angry and said: ‘The sky belongs to the Israelites and the earth belongs to the devotees (fidaiyans)31 What are you doing anyway?’

December 9, 1971 Since last few days, there has been no news from the southern borders... Before that, the sound of explosions could always be heard and it was known that the Israelis were hitting the villages or bases of the fedaiyans with cannons and warplanes. The sound of the explosion could be heard from several kilometers away and used to shock the doors and walls of the school, and every few days one of the martyrs was brought from the border and buried with a special ceremony... The burial ceremony of the martyrs is a sight to see. Women sing elegies, men chant songs or recite Qur’an and fidaiyans shoot at the sky. Hundreds of Palestinian martyrs, men, women, children, and survivors of martyrs march, and this painful and exciting ceremony continues even under heavy rains. Unfortunately, the situation of fidaiyans is not good at all and they are under pressure from all sides. After the massacres in Jordan32, now it is Lebanon's turn. There is pressure from all sides for the government of Lebanon to run over the fidaiyans. The fidaiyans also know this and do not create any situation for excuses. The government is looking for excuses and we are very upset about this. Maybe only God can prevent the looming Palestinian Fidaiyans related to different Palestinian groups living in Lebanon. Black September took place in Jordan when nearly 25,000 Palestinians were massacred by armed forces of Jordan and Pakistan army forces between 16 and 27 September 1970. Syrian army fought on the Palestinian side. Remaining Palestinians fighters were expelled to Lebanon. 31 32

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Memoirs written in Lebanon painful disasters. In this area, there is intensity in everything... Those who are lazy are extremely lazy and when they are angry with each other, they become extremely angry and agitated. When they become friends, they show intense love and affection, and when they are hated, they show intense enmity and hatred. There is intensity in their joy and laughter. Intensity is also seen in their crying and pain. When they scream, the intensity of their screams makes a person tremble, and when they show hospitality, their humility and love melts a person… In short, life here is intense and aggressive. Life is not simple and easy... Life is difficult for a person. It means that a 20-year-old young man has as much anger, love, hatred and stomach ulcers as a 40-yearold American man. Stomach ulcer is very common in this area because high and aggressive emotions do not leave a person healthy. I was talking to a lot of young people and Arab students. The issue of age came up. Twenty-year-old young man looks like about thirty to thirty-five years old. The question was raised, why do these young people grow old so quickly? There were many answers... One of the answers, in my opinion, was the presence of emotions and the intensity of emotions. It means that everything is intense. Therefore, ageing is intense and life is also intense. In one year, a person lives as much as ten years, so he will go down sooner. The passage of life in America is gentle and calm, but in this area it is stormy and tumultuous. There is a storm in every day of life and a whirlwind in every step. Law and sensibility are less involved because fate is determined by the hands of the storm and in the midst of the whirlwinds. The world is a world of anger and resentment, A small incident may turn your life completely upside down or a small accident may destroy your existence. I had heard about the ups and downs of life, but I had never experienced it to this extent. During the last three months that I've been living here, I've aged more than several years. When I left America, I didn't have white hair on my face, but now it's abundant! I have lost so much weight that my clothes 31

There was God and nothing else have become too loose for me. Some of my pants were so tight that I never wore them in America, but even they look too wide and big now. As most of the times I had to be patient and tolerant, it may not be surprising that I may have stomach ulcer! Because usually I am burning in fire of anger and rage and consuming myself. The war of nerves is a natural thing here, and those who are not used to it are at risk... It is a fact that a person talks a lot from afar and makes many claims, but at the time of crucial test of life, the reality becomes clear. In my opinion, the war with Israel is not so difficult for the Arabs... their real problems are much more difficult than the war with Israel. Of course, it is possible to solve the basic problems little by little during the war, but it should be known that Israel itself created those real and basic problems, and these problems are far more than what we thought from the outside.

November, 1972 Oh fire! find me, find me, as I am burning forever, my patience is over, my paining heart can't bear it anymore, I soothe myself with tears, but my vision has no longer strength. O God, I seek refuge in you. Stamp your seal on my heart so that there is no place left for anyone else’s love. Make my whole being fully subservient to your will in such a way that I don't think about anyone else and there is no room left for actions for others.

November, 1972 Intellect and Heart It was the Day of Judgment. All the angels had appeared in the court of the Great God. A beautiful day. The procession of angels, book of deeds and the rank of great people! Everyone came forward and mentioned their value in the presence of divine justice... and based on their dignity and worth, they were stationed somewhere near or far... All objects, plants, animals, 32

Memoirs written in Lebanon humans, and abstract minds came forward. And they spoke about their value. The ant came and told about its perseverance and sat down somewhere. The bird came, it said about its beauty, it chanted its pleasant songs and it settled down somewhere. The dog came and told about its loyalty and the cat came and spoke about its cleverness and behavior. Gazelle (deer) came and said about the beauty of its eyes and skin. The rooster came and told about the beauty of its crown and strength. The peacock came and said about the beauty of its feathers. The lion came out and said of his power and paws... Everyone spoke in his own dignity and was positioned in proper place. Flower came and said a lot about its beauty and intoxicating fragrance. The tree came and talked about its shadow and its fruits. Wheat came and spoke about its great service to humanity... Everyone spoke about its dignity and sat in his place. Humans came, Adam came, Eve came and told stories from the distant past. They enumerated the initial pleasure and confessed to the initial error, they prostrated to God and went to their place. Other humans came. Noah came, he told about his strange story he told about his faith, will, perseverance, fight against oppression and corruption and his legendary history. Ibrahim came and spoke about the relics of his era, how he went to the pagoda and broke the idols, how he fell into prison and how he fell into the fire and how the fire became garden for him. Musa came and told the story of his migration and escape and talked about the disloyalty of his people and his sufferings and pains. Jesus Christ came, he spoke of love and affection, he mentioned his sacrifice. Muhammad - peace and blessings be upon him - came and talked about his great mission for humanity. Ali - peace and blessings be upon him - came. They all came and said and sat down in their respective places. The angels came, each of them talked about their prayers and rituals and sat down in their places. What a day it was, what 33

There was God and nothing else a commotion, what an excitement, what an order, what a vastness and what discipline. Then the intellect came, the eyes were dazzled by its brilliance, the brains were humbled by its magnificence. All the faculties including knowledge and creativity and all human needs and science and knowledge etc. prostrated to the phenomenon of intellect. The intellect was shining like the sun, sat down on a high seat in the middle of the universe. Some time passed, silence prevailed everywhere, a gentle breeze of heavenly fragrance began to blow, a pleasant song filled the atmosphere, and all creatures glorified God in their own language. Again, some time passed, a call from God heralded the topmost phenomenon of creation, everyone became silent, and the trumpet was blown, a light from God manifested itself, and the heart descended on the earth like a special messenger of God. Everyone prostrated to it, except the intellect, which presented its superiority! Intellect spoke of its superiority. It mentioned a time when humans lived like animals in forests, mountains and caves, and it taught how to lit fire to mankind. It put the wheel at the disposal of mankind to transport heavy objects, it discovered iron, provided the means of life, conquered the skies and sank into the depths of the seas. It informed about the distant past and predicted the uncertain future and in short gave man superiority over nature. Intellect said that it has left behind millions of phenomena and works at the disposal, and who can be equal to it in this regard? Suddenly, there was thunder and lightning, the earth and the sky shook, a voice from God came down and told the great intellect to be quiet and said that I created all the creation only for heart. If I take the heart from the world, life will be extinguished, if I take love out of the world, all the particles of existence will disintegrate. If there was no heart and love, how would humans feel beauty? How did it understand the greatness 34

Memoirs written in Lebanon of the heavens? How do you hear the secret talks of the stars in the heart of the night? How does it understand beyond the creation and understand the creator of the whole? Everything was placed in its place, and the ashamed intellect sat on its seat, and the heart was placed like an umbrella of light over all the creatures of the world of creation, as the first manifestation of the Great God. From then on, the heart became only the ambassador of the Great God, and love, its manifestation, became the goal of life. The heart is the only ladder that takes a person to the heavens and the only means to understand God. It is a star of honor that shines on the heads of creation. The heart is like the sun that is the light which illuminates the darkness of the world and takes human being to God. The heart is the soul and essence of life without which life has no meaning. Love is the ultimate human desire. The rest of life is just a vehicle for the manifestation of love.

November, 1972 Oh pain, if you are the representative of the God who stepped on the earth to test me, I will worship you, I will embrace you and never complain to you. Let my body be torn apart, let it burn in the fire of pain and let my ashes be left to the wind, I will patiently wait again and lovingly worship the Great God. O God, these painful trials that you have put in my way, I accept all these deadly tortures that you have put me into. O God, I have become familiar with sadness and pain. These have become healthy for me and failures and misfortunes have become normal. Danger and death have become my honest friends. I enjoy meeting them and wish for their company. 35

There was God and nothing else O God, when I was a child, I enjoyed the height of the sky and its shining stars, but today I enjoy the sky because without it I would suffocate. Because if its vastness does not reduce the pain of my spirit, I will suffocate.

October 12, 1973 Dear Nariman, accept my warm and painful greeting, thank you very much for your kindness. Tape and photos arrived. It took me to other worlds. I wanted to give you a detailed answer that the death of Jamal33 upset me and broke my train of thought... To be honest, I wrote a letter to you a year and a half ago. It was a discussion and analysis of the situation here. But I never finished it and every time I looked at the unfinished letter, I remembered you. The time of life here have many ups and downs. And it is as if the seekers of truth and reality are destined to have their joy in tears and their evolution in enduring tortures. In my lifetime, I have never spoken anything but the truth, I have not followed God's will and the way of truth, I have not oppressed anyone (except myself and my closest people. That too in the right path)... I have always tried not to hurt even an ant. I have always been a symbol of love, loyalty and sacrifice... but pain and suffering have always been my strength and food. I had always prepared myself for death. But my death is not like Jamal's death... Jamal's death is not digestible for me and I still don't believe that my Jamal is dead. And this heavenly angel doesn't laugh anymore, doesn't run anymore, and doesn't bring joy to those around him... Unfortunately, my suffering is not only Jamal... As you have recorded on your tape and told the truth with speechless language, I have lost them all. Three years old son of Dr. Chamran. Dr. Chamran married Muslim American lady Tamsen Heiman (Parvaneh) and he had three sons (Raheem, Jamal and Ali) and one daughter (Roshan). Jamal drowned in the swimming pool in the house of his maternal grandfather in USA. Mrs. Parvaneh died in 2009. 33

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Memoirs written in Lebanon I lost Jamal year ago and it was just a wish for me. An imagination, a hope that might one day manifest and follow his father's life and be the heir of his father’s existence and personality... On this account, I have lost everything and Jamal's death is an additional pain on top of the previous permanent pain that is with me. It hurts and hurts... We often assume ourselves to be the center of the world and the world and we think that the whole world revolves because of us, the sky, the earth and the stars are moving to welcome us. We think that the sky will cry because of our sorrow, or the heart of the stone will melt because of our pain, or the rotation of the stars will stop. After that... But then we understand that in this big world, millions of people like us have come and gone and there has been no change in the course of time... It is we who are proud and think ourselves big... but we are less than a small straw in the ocean, we go up and down in the hands of storms and turbulent waves without having any self-control or the power to move the waves. Or we should change our movement... With the understanding of this truth, we must get out of the trap of pride and make the way of satisfaction and surrender our own way, accept the pains, do not complain about fleeting pleasures, do not assume that we are eternal, and ignore long-term hopes and dreams... I wanted to mix the love of a woman with the question of the one God. I wanted to worship the butterfly and consider this worship as a part of the worship of God's wishes in the philosophy of unity. I wanted to disappear in His presence and experience the state of annihilation. I wanted to mix married life with worship, annihilation and unity. I wanted to touch God. I wanted to mix body and soul. I wanted existence in God and wanted to love God like a moth... But I does not have such a capacity, maybe no one will be found who has such a capacity... Realizing this fact has created a philosophical despair in me. I feel severe loneliness. Absolute loneliness. A loneliness where I am standing on one side and God is on the other side and all the rest is silence. It is all death and all nothingness... Sometimes I 37

There was God and nothing else think that God was Himself lonely and created human being to come out of loneliness. God first created the sky, the earth, the stars, the angels, and the living things, but none of them answered His loneliness. Then He created human being in His own image. He gave him pain and love and united his spirit with Himself to make up for His loneliness. But I am afraid of Him. Finally, I am standing in front of Him and feeling that I have no one but Him and that I cannot go anywhere except to Him, and I must go only to him from this compulsion, from this lack of choice, from this exclusive way, I am terrified and I tremble myself. I know that I have to say goodbye to everything, to give up all beauty, pleasure and love. I have to forget my wife and children, I have to forget even my friends, then I can feel God in that absolute finality. I have to go through its manifestations and hang on to it, I have to escape from the apparent and go into the interior. And I have no companion in this way. I have no help, I have no one with sympathy. I am alone, I am alone, alone… Yes, this is the fate of human being, the fate of all human beings, who usually do not understand in the struggle of problems and in the chaos of life, and move like the dead, but they move and do not understand anything... Our destiny is also written in ambiguity that the past is not in our hands and the future is not in our hands. Pains and sorrows, along with fleeting pleasures and misplaced pride, take hold of a person, and the events of the day take us to every corner like a feather of straw, and we also submit to fate and move forward satisfied with His will until the dragon of death swallows us... You asked a lot of questions that I don't have time to answer and I don't have the motivation to analyze them all. As I finish this letter, two days have passed since the Arab-Israeli war. Israeli planes pass over our heads and Israeli fighters parade in front of our eyes in the waters of Tyre. The Palestinian devotees are walking in groups carrying arms in their hands towards their destiny. They go to the battlefront and their return 38

Memoirs written in Lebanon is with God. Teachers and others often listen to the radio. The newspapers are full of the conquests of Egypt and Syria... every moment news arrives or the radio of Egypt and Syria announce that several Israeli planes have been shot down... and Israel denies it! I hope that the Almighty God will have mercy on the tears of orphans and the blood of many martyrs and reduce the evil of Israel's oppression from the displaced and poor Arabs! There is constant fear and danger of Israeli invasion and bombing. This time, perhaps by God's will, their hellish power and control will be reduced. I finish the letter and send greetings to you and all friends. Send my warm greetings to all my friends. Sincerely yours Mustafa Chamran

April 22, 1975 Severe sorrow has taken over my throat, I want to cry. I want to scream, I want to escape to the sea and I want to take refuge in the sky. Tears fall on my pale face. I clean it so that others don't see it, I run away to a corner so that no one notices... I burned for several hours and immersed myself in divine excitement. My heart was opened, my soul had taken flight, I felt that I had come closer to God, I felt that I had stepped beyond the world and whatever is in it, I had left everyone and everything, I am only living with the spirit, I am only with sadness. I only in companionship of pain and I only worship the Great God... What is worship? Except that which exalts the soul? And create that unspeakable feeling in a person's heart? A feeling in which the particles of a person’s being vibrate, the body burns, the heart boils, tears fall, the soul takes flight and sees and wants nothing but God... this mystical feeling that boils from the ignorance of human existence and flies towards the eternity of God. It is called worship... O Great God, I worshiped You for several hours and it 39

There was God and nothing else was a strange worship! A worship that was born from the intersection of sadness with another sadness. Where the lonely world met a lonely being, where I called the Lord of Love, I met an angel whose entire existence was love... God, what kind of world have You created? What high skies, what colorful flowers, what seas, what mountains, deserts, forests, what broken hearts, what withered souls, what deadly pains, what loves, what sacrifices, what tears and what hardships... It's strange that You have put the greatness and eminence of human being in pain, sorrow and deprivation. You don't want the world without pain, lamentation and deprivation, we are also lovers of Your existence who come to You with broken hearts and broken limbs. You burned us in the fire of sorrow and turned our earthly origin with the alchemy of love into a spirit above the earth and the skies that does not want anything but You and does not worship anyone except You.

December, 1975 I have arrived with tearful eyes, bloody heart and despaired soul so that I remove the cover to reveal the reality. Painful reality and fatal that has burned the marrow of my bones and makes the sky of my soul mad and shows the emptiness of the world. Woe to the time when a desperate revolutionary speaks of absurdity and falls into philosophical despair! There are those who don't think about anything, but their interests and their feelings don't exceed the dimensions of their size, and because of weakness, failure, laziness and selfishness, they reach absurdity because they themselves are absurd and they don't think about anything else but their interests, so their thoughts also become absurd. But if a true revolutionary is disappointed, someone whose whole life is struggle, sacrifice, love, passion, burning pain, sorrow, tolerance, deprivation, continuity and vitality, then a great disaster has occurred! Yes, a big disaster! What 40

Memoirs written in Lebanon hopes I had. What dreams I had, what beautiful imaginations I had in my head, but all of them are shaky and unstable and decaying like the froth over the sea and the blowing wind. Where a person takes himself away from everything, he gives up the pleasures of life and avoids worldly possessions. The joys and desires of life become insignificant and mean in his view. He transcends the dimensions of human material needs and for the sake of a greater aim above everything and above selfishness and self-interest and above the businesses of life, into the world of revolution for the sake of justice and equality, he breathes and enters the world of sacrifice to secure its sacred goal, and he transcends everything even his own life. ... Then if he is disappointed and disheartened, a disaster will happen!

December 25, 1975 Tomorrow is the day when Christ entered the world and I celebrate tonight. My festival lamp is my burning heart that burns like a candle and illuminates the festival ceremony. The drops of my tears are the pearls and jewel in which the light of the candle shines and the glitter of the cottage decorates me.

January, 1976 The battle was in its full swing. Continuous shelling from the opposite sides was going on….. The heavy and melodious noise of Doshka gave a special horror to the battlefield. The aggressive warriors of Kataeb in Ain al-Ramanah34 were shooting from high places in armed and well-equipped

Ain al-Ramanah (Ain El Remmaneh) is a Christian neighborhood, in the Baabda district of Mount Lebanon, Lebanon, a suburb of Beirut and part of Greater Beirut. In April, 1975, a bus passing through Ain al-Ramanah, transporting Arab Liberation Front guerilla fighters and Palestinians returning from a festival, heading to their camp in Tel al-Zaatar, was gunned down by militiamen of the Kataeb party, killing all the 27 passengers except the driver, leading to start of the Lebanese Civil War. 34

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There was God and nothing else ambushes and hunting every moving object in Shiyah.35 The Muslim fighters were hiding behind the walls, behind the sandbags in different hideouts. The Kataeb started this battle and the Muslims were on the defensive side, and sometimes they would press their finger on the trigger of the machine gun and fire a barrage of bullets towards Ain al-Ramanah without a precise aim… Throughout Shiyah, we had taken command of three defense posts, the most dangerous of which was near As’ad As’ad Street. As usual, in order to console and appease the fighters of the movement, I used to visit its various posts and the young fighters there every day. I used to sit with them, had tea, and visited them behind the trenches. Sometimes I would see the Kataebi strongholds from a distance, sometimes I would draw a map, sometimes I would devise a plan, and in short, I would spend hours among these fighters. There is a small street called Sharah Khalil, parallel to As’ad As’ad Street, which, like As’ad As’ad, was the target of Kataebi snipers, and every mover in it was shot by bullet. On the side of this street, I was standing behind a high wall and sneakingly looking at the Ain al-Ramanah from the side of the wall and checking their ambushes. The street was silent, not a bird was flying, even the sound of gunshots had stopped, there was silence more terrible than the death that had over shadowed the scene… And I was imagining in a world of astonishment, fear and despair… On the other side of the street, at a distance of 10 meters, there was a house where a two or three-year-old child was playing. Suddenly, the child came out of the house and started running on the street…

35

Shiyah is a Shia majority area located in the southwest suburbs of Beirut.

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Memoirs written in Lebanon Without any intention, I immediately screamed very loudly. I had never before screamed like this which rose from the depths of my chest to the sky… I did not know what did I say and what was the state of my mind and what happened because of my scream? But immediately the young and anxious mother screamed and ran into the middle of the street with messy hair and bare feet... her hand had not yet reached the child's hand when the sound of a bullet fire was heard and landed on her chest that was full of motherly love! she turned around and fell on the ground with a painful loud sigh. She put her hand on her chest, blood was gushing from between her fingers, and she extended her other hand toward her child and started shouting, “Oh my child! Oh my child!...” I could not bear any longer, there was not time to wait, the risk of death and the fear of danger had no meaning. There was no time to delay. I reached the middle of the street with lightning speed and lifted the child up with one jump and took myself to the other side of the street into the house with another jump. Bullets were raining, and of course the skilled shooters of Kataeb were waiting for this moment, but it was luck and the calculation of the possibilities that one of the bullets could have hit us and knocked down on ground... I entered the house and the child was flailing under my arm. I looked at mother, her hand is still extended towards the child and her eyes were anxiously looking at us! When she was sure of our safety, she sighed painfully and put her head on the ground and her hand also fell on the ground... I put the child in a corner of house and got ready to throw myself into danger to save the mother... All these incidents did not last more than few seconds, but it was so scary, painful and disturbing that it penetrated deep into my bones... At this time, my warrior friends had also arrived and 43

There was God and nothing else without fear, they poured a barrage of bullets like rain towards Ain al-Ramanah from every corner and provided a cover of bullets for our support… At that moment, I had reached the middle of the street and another fighter also helped and in less than few seconds we brought the mother inside home... The child threw himself into his mother's arms and the mother sighed and pressed the child to her pierced chest, the child was crying and tears fell from the corner of the mother's eyes... The tears of the happiness, the tears of the thanks to God, that her child was safe… But slowly, slowly the mother's hand loosened and her tired eyes getting dried up. Yes, the mother sacrificed her life and the child was still crying... By that time, the women and children of the neighborhood had gathered, they were wailing and crying, they were coming and going, it was getting crowded... But I was roaming in another world. Far from the people, far from all the noise, far from the battlefield, I could not see anything because of the little innocent child… a child who had committed a crime! What a crime! He had killed his mother, and at the same time, he was innocent, and his innocent face, tearful eyes, and quivering lips spoke of purity and need for his mother… I was looking at the face of this devoted mother with her hand on her chest and her fingers were dried in her blood. The corners of her eyes were still full of tears, and from the corners of her lips, a calm and comforting smile was visible36...

January 25, 1976 O God, I am heartbroken, I cannot breathe, I don't want 36

This note has been published in the book Lebanon by Dr. Chamran.

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Memoirs written in Lebanon to laugh, I cannot cry, I have lost my sleep and desire to eat food, my heart is broken, my soul has withered and my humanity has been killed, it's as if I am stone, I don't feel anymore, the intensity of the feeling pain has boiled me so much and burned me so much that my whole existence is saturated with pain and sadness. I was passing by a young man who had fallen on the ground, his blood still is warm and flowing. Deep wounds that normally turn me upside down and I am unable to see. Torn body, crushed skull, covered in dirt and blood, torn clothes, halfnaked bloodied body lying on the ground... and how normal I am! My friend has lost his eye and his bloody head is tied with a bloody cloth, and his mother, sister and relatives are looking at me with pleading and begging looks. Alas! On the other side another friend of mine has fallen… O God, another young man of my friends is seriously injured and has fallen on the other side, and maybe he has died due to his deep injuries. O God, what can I say? I pass through this burnt and desecrated city. Burnt, naked and blackened corpses lying in the corners. Tall buildings are overturned, beautiful houses are all burnt, armed men are scattered in every corner, and some shameless people are busy stealing and robbing the remains from these burnt houses. How sad, how painful and saddest thing is that the bodies of the dead and burned are still scattered everywhere and these heartless people pass by the dead as if they were not human at all... there is no humanity left. Here was Damour37, city of love, the city of beauty, the city of power and the city of pride and ambition. The drunken chants of ‘is there anyone who could fight’ were always heard. The oppressors had made a home in that place, they sometimes Damour is a Lebanese Christian town that is 20 km south of Beirut. It was center of Phalangists and other extremist Christian militant organizations. 37

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There was God and nothing else blocked the road and killed people, tortured the youth, insulted the people, and deprived the passersby of security. What blood was shed! What tears, what sorrows and pains, what tortures and what crimes! Every day, Kataebi machine guns paraded in the central street and took a toxic look from the people, every day they threatened the south38 by blocking the road. Every now and then, they broke the silence and peace with a barrage of bullets. Finally, destiny ordered that the scroll of life in this city be difficult. The fire of war was ignited and the fighters rushed from all sides39, fire rained from the ground and the sky, even the government planes came to the aid of the defenders of the city and shot the attackers and bombarded their positions. Hundreds of people fell to the ground and soaked in blood. The whole city was set on fire. All the buildings were almost destroyed and all that was left of this great city was a painful and sad sight.

February 21, 1976 In the name of God My beloved, I didn't sleep last night. I am extremely saddened to see you in pain. I am not afraid of the storm of events. I have plunged into the whirlpools of danger to reach the shore of salvation... I have seen many of these storms... and you know that many of these severe storms have attacked the body of the Shiites, and I feel that it is during these dangerous storms that the personality of a person matures and society moves towards perfection. I am worried and this worry is normal, I am worried about the innocent youth, worried about the political games of colonialism, worried about the internal deceit and deception40, worried about fate, and worried that we can't do our responsibility as we should in these critical moments... Means Shia populated area Shiyah of Beirut. Militants of Palestine Liberation Organization and as-Saiqa attacked extremist Phalangists and destroyed their stronghold in Damour on January 20, 1976. 40 Points to spies and agents. 38 39

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Memoirs written in Lebanon But I am not afraid of danger, I do not run away from death. When the storms become more intense than I can bear, I visualize Ali (as) in my mind. His pains and his sufferings, his words, his moans, his internal burning, the storms of events that surrounded him one after the other. I remember everything... and then I find relief, and when I find no way out, I take refuge in the embrace of martyrdom, and with firm steps and iron will, I follow Husayn (as), and with satisfaction and faith, I save myself and my life and existence. I thank God... then I go to my destiny with ease and confidence. What hurts me the most is your unhappiness and I wish I could take some of your unhappiness into my heart. Yesterday, in the midst of great sadness, you condemned our innocent youth... I swear to God that these young people are innocent and have been insulted, slandered and seriously attacked so viciously and cruelly that there is no limit to it... their only sin is that they are armed against the most dishonorable corrupt and the most evil criminals to protect their lives. They have defended and God helped them to destroy their enemies despite their scarcity. It is far from fair to deprive such innocent youths of defending their lives and to condemn them for not being unjustly killed by their criminals! I respect these young people, because they had the courage and valor to respond to oppression and disbelief with violence for the first time and not to accept death with humility and humiliation like the helpless and humiliated poor people of the time of Sultan Husayn Safavi41... Our problem is the struggle between right and wrong, that Soltan Husayn Safavi (1668-1727) was the Safavid shah of Iran from 1694 to 1722. He was weak in his administration and politics that led to rebellion by Afghan warlord Mahmud Hotak who eventually besieged capital Isfahan in 1722. A famine soon emerged in the city, which forced Soltan Husayn to surrender in October 1722 and he was then beheaded in September 1727 by the orders of Mahmud Hotak's successor Ashraf Hotak. 41

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There was God and nothing else has reached its peak and is getting more difficult every day. The companions of oppression, disbelief and ignorance unite and beat us, because we are not of their kind and we have violated their values, and we have stood for the Divine criteria and values that will destroy them.

1976 I have taken this path with faith in the revolution and I have been exposed to death and destruction every day. But based on faith in the goal and freedom of Palestine, I have not been afraid of death and have welcomed all dangers with open arms. Today, my faith in these revolutionaries has been lost, my heart is not satisfied. I am not content anymore. I don't find revolutionary characteristics in them and I don't think that they have the intention of liberating Palestine, and as much as I try to satisfy myself and convince my heart that the “Palestinian resistance is the sacred flame that must be looked at and with the heart for the freedom of human beings. One's life and soul must be protected from it...”42 But unfortunately, I will not be able to satisfy myself or at least deceive myself and continue to indulge in sweet revolutionary imaginations and wish for the sweet syrup of martyrdom... On the other hand, I see that they want to satisfy me by force and fill my heart with contentment and soothe my troubled soul, but they are not able to, because contentment of heart and faith cannot be enforced… At the same time, I can neither deceive myself nor hide my heartache... They complain to me that how dare you live in the land of resistance and not believe in them and still be alive? The objectors are reformed friends who only point out the existing facts... But I, who bought the revolution at the cost of my life, have always held life in the palm of my hand. I am no

42

Quote from Imam Musa Sadr

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Memoirs written in Lebanon longer afraid that the tyranny of life will stop my way. No one can bring me to my knees with the fear of death and impose the wrong path on me. The revolution has set me free and I will not sell my freedom for anything, not even at the cost of my life.

1976 O Husayn! O Great Martyr! I have come to share my secrets with you. I open my painful heart to you. I have run away from false revolutionaries. I hate the materialistic businessmen who are armed with the weapons of the revolution. I hate those who do business with the blood of martyrs. I am running away from these Machiavellian characters who do not adhere to any human value and who sacrifice everything of the people, the life and existence and the honor of the people, even the holy name of the revolution, for their personal interests and low material purposes... O Husayn! my heart is sad and my soul is withered. In the midst of the storm of events that pulls us here and there like a feather of straw, desperate and painful, I continue to fight only because of my duty, and sometimes I am crushed under the pressure of my soul so much that I utterly wish martyrdom to escape from the pain and sorrow. From the midst of this terrible whirlpool that has engulfed everyone and the revolution, I should at least pull out my human cloak and leave this world and these false pretenders and come to meet the Lord with a clean dress and a bloody shroud… O holy Husayn! there was a long time when I considered every revolution holy and associated its name with your memory and kept it in my heart and loved it with your love and considered it holy with your holiness and in the way of helping it, I would not spare any sacrifice, even giving my life and existence... But the experience taught me a great and bitter lesson that weapons, killing, revolution and even martyrdom by themselves should not be respected and sanctified but what is important is 49

There was God and nothing else humanity, sacrifice in the cause of human beings, overcoming selfishness and pride and low material interests and faith in divine values. The Palestinian resistance had become an idol for us, and we accepted and worshiped it without question, and we accepted its way, doing its work and its justifications. But we realized that humanity and human and divine values are more valuable above everything else and nothing can replace them. It is necessary to become a human being first. The goal should be determined first based on a series of values and the evaluation criteria should be based only on humanity and divine values. O Husayn, I sanctify you today too, but a deeper and more passionate sanctification that loves you to the depths of my being and to the sky of my soul, that wants you and seeks you. O Husayn, I am in pain, I am heartbroken, and I feel that there is no medicine other than you and your way to soothe my burning heart... O Husayn, I am not trying to survive, I am not afraid of death, I am committed to martyrdom, and I have washed my hands of everything, but I cannot accept that Divine values and even the sanctity of the revolution become the toys of its politicians and materialistic businessmen.

1976 I am still not ready to meet God I am still afraid to meet the Great God face to face and I am afraid to step into His house. I still don't see myself ready to accept Him completely and there are still low material requests in the corners of my heart. My heart is still moved by beauties and my heart is still dependent on my wife's love. Still the painful memory of my angelic children fills my soul with pain and sorrow. I am still involved in life and I have not given three divorces to the world. The love of life still runs in my veins and I am not completely dissociated from everything yet. I still haven't completely dedicated my heart and soul to God, though I have given up many wishes and hopes, I have forgotten many 50

Memoirs written in Lebanon requests and pleasures, and I have given up hope from many people, friends and people. But... I am not fooling myself. Still, in the corners of my heart there is desire, hope and wish. I have not yet been completely cleansed. My heart has not yet become God's special place. That's why I run away from meeting Him, even though I always need Him in my life, I always call Him, I always shed tears in His presence. I always share secrets with Him in the dark nights. My heart is always burning with the passion of His love, wants Him and seeks help from Him. I always call people to Him. I always go to Him and He is the goal of my life. However, I have never sat in front of Him face to face. It's as if I am afraid to be blinded by the intensity of His light. I am afraid to be lost in His glory. I am ashamed to sit in front of Him and have something else in my heart and soul except Him. I love Him very much. He is my God. He is confident of my secrets and needs. He is the companion of my dark nights. He is someone who has never left me and I have never forgotten Him. My whole being is full of love and affection for Him, but I am afraid of Him, I am ashamed of His presence, I am constantly running away from Him, I call Him, I confide in Him from behind the curtain, I make room with Him, I call everyone to Him. I shed tears to meet Him. But as soon as He comes to meet me, I run away and hide in deathly silence. I sink, I do not dare to meet Him. I do not feel the purity of His presence. He is always ready to meet me anywhere and in any situation. But I don't see myself as worthy to meet Him. I am ashamed of my fear and worthlessness. I run away from Him.

1976 The time of saying goodbye has arrived It was a candle, it got separated from its world and stepped into the universe. It fell into the trap of love of moth, it was 51

There was God and nothing else captivated, it burned in it and was trapped. But it woke up and everyone went to their work. Everyone left and left it alone. The candle was left far away. I was a candle, I became tears, I was love, I melted. I was in duality, I became a spirit. I was heart, I became light. I was fire, I became smoke.

May 30, 1976 In the name of God In the Lebanese arena, what seems important is that: About three weeks ago, Naba’a fell to Kataeb. Some were killed. All the houses were looted and burned and almost all the people were driven out. It was a great disaster. A painful migration took place to the south and to Baalbek43… The leftist and resistance groups, their newspapers and radios, blamed Imam Musa Sadr to be responsible for the fall of Naba’a, and the storm of venomous and biased propaganda along with the flood of slander and lies began. They attacked the youth of the movement of the underprivileged (Harakat alMahrumeen) in the south and Beirut. All the groups and organizations passed a law to clean the movement of the underprivileged. Clashes broke out in the south. In Beirut, some of our youth were kidnapped and their houses were looted... Of course, the Palestinian resistance, i.e. its leadership (especially Abu Ammar44 and Abu Jihad45), stood up in favor of the movement of the underprivileged, and in a joint meeting with the parties, there was a fierce argument between Abu Ammar and the Palestinian groups. The war of nerves against the

Baalbek is a city located east of the Litani River in Lebanon's Beqaa Valley, about 67 km northeast of Beirut. It is the capital of Baalbek-Hermel Governorate. Mostly populated by Shias. 44 Yasser Arafat 45 Khalil Ibrahim al-Wazir. He was a Palestinian leader and co-founder of the Fatah and top aide of Yasser Arafat. He was assassinated in Tunis in 1988 by Mossad. 43

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Memoirs written in Lebanon movement of the underprivileged is still there. A black list of the high officials of the movement has been written, and the checkpoints of the parties are looking for our officials, and those whom they find are being arrested and imprisoned. Many of our officers have gone into hiding and Beirut has been abandoned. Ahmad Ebrahim, a disciple of our school46, who was fighting in Shiyah, was captured in Bir El Abed47, he was driving in his vehicle, and he was in their prison for ten days, and Land Rover has not yet returned. Of course, Shiyah’s youths have stood strong. They have bravely resisted and even when they were surrounded by five or six doshkas and fifty to sixty fighters of the parties, (while their number was seven or eight), they did not give up and said that they will fight until the last drop of their blood. As a result, the parties retreated back. But the radio and newspapers do false propaganda every day, they repeatedly said that the office of the movement has fallen in Shiyah, it was looted, destroyed... while it was all a lie and a war of nerves. Provocations are more in the south, of course, in some places our forces have more power and were able to handle the provocations and even in one area they pushed all the parties out of the city. But in many other cities, our youths suffered a lot, but they were patient... But what happened in the Naba’a? And why did it fall? First of all, out of the 180,000 people of the city, all fled but about five thousand people remained, and there were only about fifty to sixty killings.48

June 30, 1976 I make a will… I make a will to someone whom I love too much. To my Jabal Amel Polytechnic School Bir el-Abed is a neighborhood, located in South Beirut suburbs (present day Dahiyeh). 48 Probably, this discussion has a sequel, but it was not found in this note. It is mentioned in other notes that were printed in the book entitled Lebanon. 46 47

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There was God and nothing else beloved, to Imam Musa Sadr, whom I consider to be the epitome of Ali (as), I call him the heir of Husayn, who is the symbol of the Shia community and its honor, and the representative of 1400 years of pain, sorrow, loss, struggle, resistance, rightseeking, and finally martyrdom. Yes, I make will to Imam Musa... I am prepared for death and this is a natural thing and I have been familiar with it for a long time, but for the first time, I am making a will... I am happy to be martyred in such a way. I am happy that I have left the world and whatever is in it. I have left everything and trampled on interests. I have broken the shackles, and I have divorced three times the world and the whatever is in it, and I am ready to welcome martyrdom. I don't regret coming to Lebanon and dealing with difficult problems for five or so years. I am not sorry that I left America, that I left behind the world of pleasure and convenience, that I forgot the world of science, that I left behind all the beauties and memories of my dear wife and beloved children. I have left behind that world of materialism and comfort, and I have entered the world of pain and deprivation, grief and defeat, blame and poverty and loneliness. I am in company of downtrodden and I have the same voice as of pain-stricken and broken hearted. I have passed from the world of capitalists and oppressors and entered the world of the deprived and the oppressed, and I do not regret for all this. You, O my beloved, you opened a new world for me so that the Great God will test me better and more. And you gave me the opportunity to become a butterfly, to burn, to travel, to love, to reveal my unique human powers. From east to west and from north to south, I will trample Lebanon and offer divine values to everyone in order to create a new, strong and divine path. To become a manifestation of love, to become a light, to separate from myself from my existence and dissolve in society. 54

Memoirs written in Lebanon So that I don't see myself and I don't want myself anymore, I don't see anyone but my beloved and I don't choose anything but love and sacrifice. To become familiar and friendly with death and to be freed from all material bonds... You, my beloved, carry the secret of fraternity and pain and suffering of 1400 years, you continue to endure the accusations, slander, attacks, curses and blames of 1400 years, the grudges of the past, the historical enmities and worldburning grudges and jealousy against yourself. You make sacrifices and give up everything. You sacrifice your life and existence for the noble purpose and society of humans, and your enemies insult and betray you in return. They slander you with false accusations, and they instigate ignorant people against you, and you, Imam, do not deviate from the truth even for a moment, and you never act like that, and stood like a mountain in the face of a storm of events, you walk calmly and confidently towards the truth and perfection. Representative of Ali (as) and successor of Husayn (as)... And I am proud to fight in your army and drink martyrdom in your glorious way... O my beloved, at last you did not know me… Because veiling and modesty prevented me from showing myself to you, or from talking about love to you, or from telling you about my inner burning feeling... But I, the one who leaves will, the one who loves you, I am not a simple person. I am the God of love and worship. I am the representative of truth, the embodiment of sacrifice and forgiveness, humility, action and struggle. The volcano inside me is enough to burn any world, the fire of my love is so much that it can melt any stony heart, my dedication is so much that few people have reached that level in life... I have been blessed with three qualities: 1. Love, that flows from my speech and my look, my 55

There was God and nothing else hand and my movements, my life and death. I burn in the fire of love and I do not know the purpose of life except love. I don't want anything but love in life and I don't live except for love. 2. Poverty, that I am free from everything and have no need, and if they give me heaven and earth, it will not affect me. 3. Loneliness, that connects me to gnostic knowledge and introduces me to deprivation. A person who needs love, burns in the world of loneliness with deprivation, and no one but God can be the companion of his dark nights, and no none will wipe away his tears except the stars, and no one will hear his secret whispers and prayers except the high mountains, and only the dawn bird will hear his morning wails. He is looking for a person to worship him or to love him, but the more he goes forth, the less he finds... The person who makes this will is not a simple person, he has gone through the greatest scientific achievements. He has tasted the coldness and heat of the times, he has enjoyed the most beautiful and intense loves, he has picked fruit from the tree of life's pleasures, he has enjoyed everything that is beautiful and lovely, and at the height of perfection and wealth, he has left everything and for the sake of a holy purpose, painful and tearful life and he has accepted martyrdom. Yes, my beloved, such a person makes a will with you... My will is not about wealth and possessions, because you know that I don't have anything and what I have, belongs to you and to the movement49 and institution50. I have not taken anything from what has been given to me for my personal needs, and I have not asked for anything except to live as a dervish. Even my wife, children, and parents have not received anything from me. And where my whole existence is for you and movement, it is clear that my all property also belongs to you. My will is not about debt and liability. I do not owe

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The movement for the deprived and Amal movement Jabal Amel Industrial Institute

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Memoirs written in Lebanon anyone, and while I have lent a lot to others, I have not harmed anyone, in my life I have had nothing but love, sacrifice, humility, and respect, and in this regard, I do not owe anyone... Yes, my will is not about these things... My will is about love, life and duty... I feel that the sunshine of my life has reached the roof and I don't have time to request you anymore... I make a will when I have put my life in the palm of my hand and I expect that any moment I will say goodbye to this world and never see you again... I love you and this friendship is not about need or business. I don't need anyone in this world and even sometimes I feel unneeded from God... and I don't ask anything from Him. I don't feel needed and I don't want anything. I don't complain and I don't have any wishes. My love is because you are worthy of love and affection, and I consider your love to be a part of my love for God, and as I worship and love God, I also love you, who is His representative on earth. And this loving is as natural to me as breathing... Love is the aim of my life and the motivation of my life. And I have not seen anything more beautiful than love and I have not asked for anything more than love. It is love that creates ripples in my spirit and makes my heart boil. It brings out my hidden talents and drives me away from selfishness and egoism. I feel another world and disappear in the world of existence. I find a tender feeling, a sensitive heart and a beautiful sight. The gentle shaking of a leaf, light of a distant star, a tiny ant, gentle breeze of dawn, sea wave, sunset, all these steal my feelings and soul and take me away from this world to another world... these are all manifestations of love. It is because of love that I make sacrifices. It is because of love that I look at the world with indifference and find other dimensions. It is because of love that I see the world as beautiful and I worship beauty. It is because of love that I feel God and I 57

There was God and nothing else worship Him and I offer my life and my being to Him... I know that in this world, I have loved and even intensely loved many people. But I have seen a bad response. They interpret love as weakness, and as they say, they are clever and exploit love! But these ignorant people do not know that they are deprived of the great blessing of love and affection. They do not know that they have not understood the biggest dimensions of life. They don't know that their cleverness is nothing but misery and humiliation... And I value myself too much to withhold my love from someone, even if that person does not understand my love and exploits it. I am greater than one who loves for reward or who desires love in return. I burn and enjoy in my love and this pleasure is the greatest reward that can be counted as response to my love. I know that you too, my beloved, swim in the sea of love, you love people and you love everyone unconditionally, and there are many people who abuse this love and even mock you and deceive you as they think... And you know these things, but you don't make the slightest change in your way... because your status is greater than being influenced by others and loving. Your love is natural. You shine everywhere like the sun, and you fall like rain on both the grass and arid land, and you are not affected by the reflection of the stonehearted… My fiery greetings be to your high soul, which is out of the darkness and darkness of self-conceit and selfishness, and its abode is the greatness of the heavens and the holy names of God. May my burning love be sacrificed for your love, which is the greatest and most beautiful characteristic of your being, and the most valuable thing that attracted me to you, is the most sacred characteristic that is considered in the divine measure.

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September, 1976 What an auspicious night it was, my night of destiny51. The night when I used to shed tears until the morning and climb to the loftiest heights. I was driving from night to morning and you were sitting next to me. It was a long way. We passed through trees, mountains and forests. The car's headlights illuminated the road and we were crossing a stream of light. Two other people were sitting in the seat behind us, talking and sometimes falling asleep... But, the volcano of my soul had blossomed and my boiling heart was attacking the rock of my existence like the roaring waves of the sea, and nothing could be seen from my life except the light of love and burning, sadness and worship. My language became eloquent as if beautiful and deep sentences were being revealed to me from the depths of my soul. Like a powerful poet, I expressed the manifestations of my soul in the most excellent way while tears were dripping down my face. It had broken all the bonds. I had left the reins of my will in the hands of my heart and without fear or shame I poured out what was surging in my heart, from my love and from my sadness, from my good and bad, from my small and big sins, from attachments and apprehensions, from burning and melting and from the leaps of the soul and heartburns, I was talking about everything. What I said was the essence of my life and it was the truth. I was offering you with tears and you were shedding tears at my feet and flying to the skies wing by wing. You were burning in my heart and screaming and worshiping God... what a night it was! My night, the night of my climax to the heavens and my ascension. My worship, my love, the night when my body turned into a spirit... The night that God had settled inside me52 and the night Shabe Qadr (the night of destiny in the holy month of Ramadan). Used as metaphor as night of inspiration and worship and divine favours. 52 Hadithe Qudsi: Neither [the vastness of] My earth, nor [that of] My heaven can 51

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There was God and nothing else that the fire of love had burned all my sins. The night when I was pure and innocent, like the purity of fire and the innocence of a child, with my God... and you who saw my tears and felt the fire of my being and heard the storm of my soul... you were God's representative. I used to talk to you as if I were talking to my God. I felt such a secret and need that only in the presence of God it is possible to feel such a secret and need... You had become one with me and had reached the degree of unity.53 I didn't feel ashamed and I didn't feel alienated and I wasn't afraid of telling my inner secrets... What an auspicious night it was, my night of destiny. The night of my ascension to the heavens. I had heard about the outpouring of love and I knew the miraculous power of love, but what was important that night was that my existence had become spirit and my spirit had become like a volcano. It wanted to be separated from the earth like light and fly to the galaxies... Then the fire of love came to my aid and burned my earthly body and all that was left of me was smoke, and this smoke rose to the heavens along with my spirit… The night of my destiny, the night when the cells of my existence changed their nature in the fire of love and I was nothing but love. My heart had become the world's Kaaba, it was burning, giving light, and divine revelation was descending on it, and it had become the holiest place of worship of God. Roaring waves of love emanated from it and spread all around. From the collision of thin and tender feelings with the contain Me. Indeed it is the heart of the my servant believer, which can contain Me. Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 55, p.39. 53 There is no clearer sign in the earth and in the heavens of the elegance of the Beloved than the heart of a true believer (mu’min). The believer’s heart is in the occupation of God, not at the disposal of the self. The heart of the believer is not self-willed, nor is it vagrant. Imam Khomeini, Forty Hadith, An Exposition. Second Hadith Riya (Ostentation). Available at: https://www.al-islam.org/forty-hadithexposition-second-revised-edition-Seyyid-ruhullah-musawi-khomeini/secondhadith

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Memoirs written in Lebanon mountains of sadness and the deserts of loneliness and the fire of love, violent storms were created that would drag all the existence of mine to deserts of non-existence to the land of nonexistence and free me from the prison of existence. I wish I could recall all the inspiring memories of this night of destiny. Alas, the flood of thoughts and the outpouring of feelings and the volcano of my spirit went so fast and burning that nothing could record it... It was a light that enlightened my heart on that holy night, flowed on my tongue and dripped on my face in the form of tears. I don't sell my whole life for one night of destiny and I am alive because of the nights of destiny. And the glory of the night of destiny is the value of my worship and my perfection and the goal of my life.

September, 1976 The Martyr of Naba’a For the first time, a few years ago, I went to Naba’a with one of my friends. What a strange world it was! My heart withered, and I was saddened and grief-stricken by the poverty and misery of the deprived people. It was really strange that the alleys and streets were narrow and dark, half-finished buildings with concrete columns on the roof of most of them, which showed that due to material poverty, a floor was left unfinished. Alleys and streets were filled with small and big children, boys and girls. Old and young women were sitting on the side of the streets behind the doors of the houses, they had made the street their recreation area and left their children in the middle of the street and were talking to each other. More than half of the streets and alleys were covered with handcarts, and their owners loudly and rhythmically offered their goods. Some of the men were walking while others were standing and some of them were forcibly pulling themselves 61

There was God and nothing else from the middle of the crowd and passing. Sometimes a car would pass by, the sound of its horn was deafening. So that the people would move back and forth and the carts open the road a little and the mothers would call their children so that the car moves a few steps forward. Woe to the time when a driver was in a hurry and a mother was worried about her child's life. Then the flood of cursing and shouting will flow towards the driver. A rope was tied in the balcony of the house and colorful clothes were hanging from it... My friend, why did you close your eyes? I have brought you to Naba’a to see the destruction and fires, thefts, bloodshed and cruelty and crime that has happened to our Shiites! No, no, I can't bear to look at those painful and sad scenes! enough! What I have seen is enough, I tremble, I burn and I don't want to look at these miseries and crimes anymore... If you want to sigh and relieve the burning of your burning heart! You are free to do so! Let your burning sigh mingle with the sigh of all bereaved mothers and women and burn the roots of the criminals. If you want to scream, so that your aching chest will be relieved from the pressure of anger and your throat will be relieved, shout for freedom and let yourself scream. It should be mixed with the youth's cry of the dead Shia and shake the foundations of the castles of oppression and tyranny. O my friend, seeing these crimes of history and these sad scenes is the biggest lesson. The passage of time will erase these painful scenes and less people will believe these crimes. The burning and melting memory of these sad scenes will only remain on my and your painful heart... and you, my friend, who came from far away to see the truth and sympathize with the oppressed and suffering Shiites, open your eyes and see the deadly facts as much as possible and bring a world of pain and sorrow and a history of cruelty and crime against your friends. Look! here is a burnt body. These black ashes are his crushed skull, these are his hands and these are his feet. They 62

Memoirs written in Lebanon killed this poor person in his room and poured gasoline on his body and set it on fire. Ah, my dear kind friend! This is the house of Abu Mohammad, a respectable man who had a large family and was also responsible for social services in the movement54, and I had slept many nights in this house. Here is the Sheikh Farhat mosque, when I entered Naba’a and because I didn’t know anyone, I came to this mosque and prayed my salat (namaz) and thought to myself, where to start? And where should I go? And to whom should I talk to... Suddenly, I saw a person staring at me. He seemed to know me, but he was not sure about me. Indeed, how was it possible that I broke the siege, the ring of fire and blood of Naba’a and stepped into Naba’a? This man was indecisive, he wanted to be happy, but he couldn't fool himself... Finally, he left and hurriedly came back with a few other people. They recognized me, hugged me, and asked about my well-being, and said thank God that you are safe, and were asking me in surprise how and by what miracle you were able to enter Naba’a!! This was my first base, where I used to give speeches in the upper hall and teach the members... Look how heartbreaking this mosque has become! Look here was the hospital of the movement. Thousands have been treated in it, and French doctors lived on the top floor. See how it has been looted and destroyed! Ah, this is a house of Sharif and I will never forget it. He was with me for a whole day from early in the morning and we went everywhere and defied the axes of war and I gave a speech in several places and we finished about an hour after midnight. Sharif knew that we had not eaten anything since morning and that we were really tired and hungry. He touched his pocket. There were five coins in it. He took it out and said, “Doctor, this is all my property. And if I didn't invite you to dinner, it was 54

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There was God and nothing else because I didn't have anything...” I was shocked and overwhelmed and told him that I should go to his house and sleep there.. I entered his house. His wife was scolding him very much because he had left his family unaware and worried them. His seven-year-old son had woken up. He immediately went to his father and scolded him: “Father, father, why did you leave and not tell us anything? And you didn't even tell me where you are?” On the one hand, he turn his face away from his father, and on the other hand, he attach himself to him. Then, his old father woke up and came happily and sat down and prayed… We slept that night without food while tears were flowing from the corner of my eyes and it was perhaps the most mysterious and beautiful hunger that I ever experienced. O my friend, here was Hussainiyeh, I have spent many nights in it, while every moment rockets and cannon shells landed on it, and the whole Hussainiyeh was trembling, and every moment, we used to feel that one of its corners has collapsed, and we felt that every bullet has exploded in the corner of my room.55

September 25, 1976 Martyrdom of Abu Hamadeh The fiery greetings of the earth and the sky are upon you, O hero of Shiyah56, O fidayi of Amal. O martyr of the path of God. How many memories the bloody Shiyah remembers of you. What heroism! What sacrifices! What about self-sacrifices! What long nights you stood like a rock for Shiyah's wounded body. You resisted the onslaught of enemies and preserved the dignity and honor of Shia. What dangerous days you persevered in the midst of bullets, rockets and explosives. Those days when 55 56

For details on this topic, please read the book Lebanon. The Shia populated area of Beirut.

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Memoirs written in Lebanon everyone was gone. Everyone was afraid. Shiyah was empty, there was no passerby except for bullets, except for bombs and rockets, no guest would not enter Shiyah. The rain of death was falling. The cloud of despair and hopelessness had cast a shadow on Shiyah. Yes, in those days you resisted like a rock against the roaring waves of the enemy. You accepted the terrifying storms of events on your chest and pushed the enemy back. You were a flag bearer of Amal in Shiyah. You gave hope and spirit to teenagers, everyone who looked at your calm and confident face found peace and every young man who looked at your manly powerful hands was sure that with your presence, there is no danger to Shiyah.

October 10, 1976 In the name of God My beloved I feel that tolerating pain, sadness, danger and adversity in the way of God is the most important and fundamental requirement for evolution in this life. I believe that living in happiness and without sadness, pleasure and health, safety and blessing makes a person corrupt, frozen and insensitive. Therefore, I see that our young people in the south and Beirut are full of faith, spirit of struggle, love and sacrifice, in contrast to Baalbek, who are in conflict and friction with each other to distribute commodities and interests! The continuous attack on our youth in the south, beatings, danger and death, fear and lack of security, and pain and sorrow have cleansed and purified them. Selfishness, fame-seeking and show-off have been burned... and instead, the spirit of satisfaction, trust, acceptance of risk, deprivation and even martyrdom have matured in the youth. Considering the above reality, that is, accepting all the risks and problems with good will, I want to describe some of the situations of the ‘youth of movement’ in the south: 65

There was God and nothing else Our situation in the south is like a wave, always in turmoil and going up and down... sometimes everything becomes dark, all the openings of hope become blind and fear casts a shadow everywhere. The dragon of death opens its mouth to devour everyone and all enemies make a pact to shed our blood and destroy our honor and dignity. To silence the voice of truth and to dominate the bodies, thoughts and minds of crime and corruption, lies, slander and betrayal. All roads are closed. The bloodthirsty enemies are celebrating their victory and are proud and drunk as if the whole world is in their demonic grip. Dark days are passing for our youth who think that there is no more hope and there is no way of salvation except martyrdom... and nights are darker than day... brutal, sad and painful... And these days... regression of life and low tide is the end of happiness, victory and hope of our youth in the south. Our fate in the south is like a wave in turbulence and up and down. To constantly move from peak to trough and from trough to peak... and this is the biggest test that God has destined for us... and I ask Him to give us success to get us out of this great test head strong.

October 10, 1976 Wow! I was standing at the time of prayer, I was smiling for no reason and I was not happy in my skin. In my heart, the voice of laughter was loud, my soul was flying to the sky and everything was beautiful. The signs of good news rained from every corner, the cells of my body danced with joy... The truth was that a strange state had reached me to the point where my throat was burning from the intensity of joy and I did not understand anything about prayer, worship and paying attention to God. I suddenly thought to understand the reason for this intense happiness. I thought, I split my soul and my heart and finally found the truth... I realized that in the morning, I woke up from bed, 66

Memoirs written in Lebanon trembling and scared, tired and withered... I woke up from a dream that was all fear and terror... I was expecting the attack of the enemies... Every moment I was afraid that the enemy would attack me and barrage of the bullets will knock me down... I passed through several enemy checkpoints, in each of them they were looking for me or my friends and kill us. I entered the police station with apprehension and fear, and even with stress inside myself, I showed myself to be calm and cool until I finally came out of the checkpoint... I passed all of them safely. My poor friends, scared and trembling, came to me from different places and told me about the attack of the enemy and the danger of death. I calmed everyone down with the power of faith and trust in God, I gave them hope, they believed in me and I sent everyone to their homes with a strong heart and selfconfidence... Everyone left for their village happy and hopeful. Some of the displaced persons, the sick, the poor, the helpless came to me, their poverty and hunger had reached their bones. I gave something to each of them and sent everyone away happy and hopeful... When I was passing through the school yard, I met the young men, the guards of Movement of the Deprived..., I shook everyone's hand with pressure and affection and kissed those young men, and I gave hope and encouragement to everyone with emotional words. My whole day was very busy. I didn't have a moment of peace, I couldn't sit down or even read a newspaper for a moment, people would come one after the other, they were heart broken and I would listen calmly and let they go back happily with generosity... At the end of the day, I was tired but my spirit was full of joy. My heart was overflowing with love and hope and I was surprised that I was still alive. I was happy that I passed through several checkpoints and no one recognized me and did not shoot at me... I was happy that no one attacked the institution and did not harm us... 67

There was God and nothing else I was happy that at the peak of despair, at the end of poverty, at the bottom of weakness, I was able to give hope to people, help the poor, and give hope and reassurance to the frightened and weak... I was happy that my existence was useful on this day, I was happy that luck helped me on this day. I felt that I had passed through several difficult tasks (Haft Khawan Rostam) and this was my greatest victory... Suddenly a flood of tears flowed down my face because I realized my poverty, weakness and helplessness and found all my happiness unfounded... I shed tears and then I found peace.

October 12, 1976 Look at the struggle of life! What a terrible storm has arisen! All the powers of oppression and filth have joined hands to destroy us. The dragon of death has opened its mouth to devour us, the flame of fire burns around me, like a feather on the wave of events, I go up and down in the midst of this stormy sea. What an ambiguous fate! What pains and sorrows, what trials and martyrdoms, what failures and what deprivations, what atrocities and what crimes... what can I say? What's going on?... I don't know, but what I know is that martyrdom is the easiest way to save me... The attack starts from all sides, all doors of hope are closed. Despair, fear and terror have casted a shadow everywhere. My friends come to me with worried eyes, with anxious hearts, tired, broken, and helpless, while I hope for nothing. I don't have it and I don't expect anything but martyrdom, but I speak in front of my friends like a strong and reliable rock and I believe in them and I go to the centers of danger with courage and fearlessness. Sometimes the whole system and organization, all the friends and warriors and all the future and destiny depended on my one word! that me who had no hope and no power, no clear dream and no expectation of help... Only based on trust in God, 68

Memoirs written in Lebanon satisfied with fate and acceptance of martyrdom, I stood on my feet again and turned back on the waves of danger and fear, despair and hopelessness like a rock, I again changed the course of history... and it was all based on probability and I said to myself, if my chance of survival is one out of thousand and the organization continues to exist, I will stand up again. I will resist again…

November 14, 1976 Jabhah al-Sha’biyyah57 from El Hoqbane area58 in the middle of are under attack from Israel. Five minutes after their mortar shells, the Israeli bombs shelling started - killing Ahmed Muhammad Ali Sweidan and two children from Musa Karim and Suleiman Qaduh's child and killing four more and several injured. The school was bombarded. It was 4:50 p.m. and most of the school children were killed. Ibrahim Haydus chauffeur was abducted in Ayta ash Shab59 and held for six hours in Israel, and then they bombed Yater60. There is a strong possibility that the bombing was carried out with the consent of Israel and Jabhah al-Sha’biyyah.61 The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine is a secular Palestinian Marxist–Leninist and revolutionary socialist organization founded in 1967 by George Habash. 58 El Hoqbane is a mountain 757 meters above sea level in Kafra village in Bint Jbeil District and is located in Nabatieh, South of Lebanon. It is situation about 101 kilometers from Beirut. 59 Ayta ash Shab is a village located in southern Lebanon, about 1 km northeast of the Israeli border. 60 Yater is a Lebanese village located in Bint Jbeil District. It is 112 kilometers away from Beirut 61 Note: These notes are written in short and only names of places and important events were mentioned. The real issue is the conflict between people of South Lebanon and the leftist Palestinian parties. These leftist parties would fire inside Israel and then in response, the villages and cities of South were bombarded by 57

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November 18, 1976 Yater62 The famous elders of Moukhtara63 village and others gathered with Popular Front64 to leave the town. But they said that we have come here on the orders of centre65 and we are not leaving. (They create danger) because in particular, the Popular Front bombards on the inhabitants of town. As a result of the consensus on this position of the Popular Front, it left from Yater and only Fatah remains in the town.

November 21, 1976 The Revolutionary Committee66 from Majdal Zoun67 (November 21, 1979) attacked Israel and Israel hit back the city. The people drove them out of the city and they hit from the outskirts of the city and Israel responded and bombarded all the surrounding villages.

March 4, 1977 In Nabatieh, the strongest base of the leftist forces, fierce

Israelis. There was no one to defend and without any planning or military gains, there were martyrs and wounded and the areas would be abandoned. Please read the book ‘Lebanon’ for details. 62 Yater is one of the Shia populated towns in Bint Jbeil District in the South Lebanon about 112 km from Beirut. Zionist army carried out attack, destroyed several buildings and killed people and occupied Yater in Feb 1992. However, it had to flee few years later. 63 Moukhtara is a small town in the Chouf District of the Mount Lebanon Governorate of Lebanon. The town's inhabitants are divided between Druze and Christians. It is the hometown of Walid Jumblatt, the leader of Lebanon's Progressive Socialist Party. 64 Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine 65 Means central office of the PFLP. 66 During the civil war the leftists parties made a coalition by the title of Revolutionary Committee. 67 Majdal Zoun is a small village in Tyre District, South Lebanon.

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Memoirs written in Lebanon battles broke out between Jabhat al-Rafz68 and the Communist Party on one side and Saiqa on the other. As a result of these wars, more than 200 people of the leftist forces were killed and all their bases were captured by Saiqa69, and the rest of them escaped on foot through the mountains, valleys and gorges around Nabatieh. In this great purge, Fatah and Jabhat alDemocratia70 also helped Saiqa, and after capturing the bases of leftists, all of them surrendered to Fatah. In the area of Sur (Tyre), the last point of the leftist forces is ready for fight. Fatah is on full alert in case of any kind of conflict to purge the leftist forces and Jabhat al-Rafz fighters are also scattered in the streets and roads and have created numerous barriers and their only work is arresting opponents and probably beating and killing them. Yesterday, at one of these checkpoints, one of the members of Fatah was arrested and beaten up by Jabhat al-Rafz. As soon as they realized that he was from Fatah, they dragged him out of the car and thoroughly beat him up. The seniors and leaders of Jabhat al-Rafz have fled and some of them are fatally engaged in kindling fires to explode the south. Their only hope is that there will be a war between Israel and Syria, or Syria will fall, or Israel will enter Lebanon, and therefore they will use the opportunity to continue their vandalism for few more days. These are the leftist Palestinian and Lebanese groups that were united against Syria during 1975 civil war of Lebanon. Known as the Rejection Front, formed in 1974 by Palestinian movements opposed to the decisions of the Palestinian National Council, which approved the establishment of a Palestinian state. 69 As-Saiqa ('Thunderbolt') known as Vanguard for the Popular Liberation War is a Palestinian Ba'athist political and military faction supported by Syria founded in 1966, although it is no longer active in the organization. Its Secretary-General is Dr. Mohammed Qeis. Its headquarter is in Damascus. 70 The Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine is a secular Palestinian Marxist–Leninist organization. It was founded in 1968 by Nayef Hawatmeh (b. 1938), splitting from the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLP). 68

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March 9, 1977 During the attack on Tal Rab El Thalathine71. The youth of Amal and their scouts raised the cry of Allahu Akbar and attacked the enemy with a volley of bullets and with the speed of lightning, and the enemy was defeated and left with heavy casualties. After the shout of Allahu Akbar and the lightning attack of Amal Youth split the ranks of the enemy, all the fighters in the battle, all those who came from back, from the youth of Fatah and Lebanon Arab Army and even from the leftist72 parties also shouted Allahu Akbar and this malakuti sound echoed in the mountains of Taybeh73 and mixed with the echo of cannons and explosions.

June 27, 1977 Harouf74 Jabhat al-Rafz75 wanted to open an office, but the people of the city opposed and did not allow it, and Jabhat al-Rafz put a checkpoint outside the city, and they used to take the people of the city and beat them hard.

June 27, 1977 Ansar City76

It’s a mountain in Rab El Thalathine village in the Marjeyoun District in southern Lebanon. Its 420 meters above sea level. 72 Refers to communist parties of Lebanon. 73 Taybeh is a village in the Marjeyoun District in south Lebanon. 74 Harouf is a village in the Nabatieh Governorate region of southern Lebanon and is located north of the Litani River. 75 The Rejectionist Front (or Front of the Palestinian Forces Rejecting Solutions of Surrender was a political coalition formed in 1974 by radical leftist Palestinian factions who rejected the Ten Point Program adopted by the Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO). They were principally against presence of Syria in Lebanon. 76 City in the South of Lebanon 71

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Memoirs written in Lebanon Saiqa77 has conquered the Ansar. Fatah78 doesn't want it, so it gives weapons and membership ID Card to the members of the leftist79 parties, so that they do provoking work against the Movement for Downtrodden and Saiqa to explode...

July 5, 1977 Heated Debate with the leftist parties in Borj Rahal80 After the many public speeches that the trained cadres of the movement held in different southern cities and the amazing effects that were seen after them, Sheikh Sobhi81 requested to give a speech in the village of Borj Rahal, which was a kind of challenge to the leftist parties. It was the left that had absolute control in that area. I accepted the sheikh's proposal and even requested Professor Hasan Hosseini to go with him and if political questions were raised and the sheikh refused to answer, Professor Hassan should be present to answer, so on a certain day, at six o'clock in the afternoon, Sheikh Sobhi and Professor Hasan and few members of the youth of Harakat went to Borj Rahal to talk about their Islamic and political views in front of ideological and party enemies... I arrived at the institute from Beirut and saw that they were about to leave, and I also had nothing else to do, and in addition, I felt worried in the bottom of my heart that if, God forbid, the leftists attack the Sheikh with their questions and he couldn’t answer, we will face a great spiritual defeat in the region. Therefore, I went to Borj Rahal together with them, and as usual, the speech was in Hussainiyeh. The people in charge of movement in village placed the guests in the front row of Hussainiyeh, but I went to the back of Hussainiyeh and had a Palestinian group that supported Syria. Palestinian group led by Yasser Arafat. 79 Palestinian Communist parties 80 Borj Rahal is a town in Abbasiya region in the Tyre District in South Lebanon. It is the stronghold of leftist parties. 81 Sheikh Sobhi Tufaili, later became Hezbollah’s first secretary general. 77 78

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There was God and nothing else book of Shariati82 and started reading. They insisted a lot to take me to the front and seat me at the head of the assembly, but I was bored and I was wandering in another world and I didn't want to leave my sweet dreams and join the crowd in Hussainiyeh. I just wanted to let friends and enemies know who I am and I wanted to be a spiritual strength for my friends, but at the same time I was busy with the secret and inner need of my heart and did not want to be distracted from my spiritual pleasure. People came little by little and Hussainiyeh was filled like never before and the speech started. The sheikh talked about godliness and gave an interesting speech, but I was still busy in the book in my hands. I only looked at the speaker from time to time and thereby announced my presence in the meeting. But the leftist parties formed a strong faction, stationed their combat forces outside and ambushed them in sensitive areas of Hussainiyeh, and had planned a complete strategy to disrupt the meeting and create controversy. As soon as Sheikh Sobhi finished his speech, one of the speakers on the left raised his hand as a question and stood next to the pulpit and started speaking. He said: ‘O Sheikh, your speech was very good, worshiping God also has many benefits, but what do you have to do with God and worshiping God? You are not a Muslim! You do not practice Islam! You who don't fight colonialism, you cooperate with Kataeb, you surrendered Naba’a to Kataeb, you are traitor...’ Sheikh Sobhi was perplexed and was left dry on the pulpit, and this experienced leftist party speaker spoke so loud, fast and attractive that he did not give the Sheikh a chance to answer, so the Sheikh went down from the pulpit and Professor Hassan went to the pulpit to answer, but he too had no nerves to respond…there was no chance... There was an uproar, the people were protesting, but the pulpit was in the hands of a party speaker and he continued to 82

Famous Iranian Islamic revolutionary intellectual Dr. Ali Shariati.

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Memoirs written in Lebanon attack the movement of the deprived like sand and chanted sharp revolutionary slogans like a machine gun. Finally, Professor Hasan got angry and started shouting so that he could cut off the voice of the speaker and said that right now in the south of Lebanon, in the axes of the war of Bint Jbeil and Taybeh, Amal loyalists are fighting and defending Lebanon and they are martyred every week, but where are you? Where did you ever fight with Kataeb or with Israel? If you are telling the truth, go to the southern borders and be in a stronghold against the enemy! Stop making half-hearted slogans and if you are telling the truth, take some action... He was leaving the meeting for it to return to its normal state and calmness was established, but suddenly another party speaker went up to the pulpit and stood next to Professor Hasan and began to speak with few words and once again dominated the pulpit and his words were so much penetrating and beautiful that everyone in Hussainiyeh listened to him and were overwhelmed by the power of the speaker and his revolutionary and Islamic thoughts. He started his speech with Ali (as) and his justice and then relied on Abu Dharr Ghaffari and his relentless campaigns against Uthman and Muawiya and concluded that the struggle should be towards the destruction of the capitalists and the fall of the Lebanese system, and the war with Israel or Kataeb were secondary aspect! He said that until the Lebanese system is overthrown and capitalism is not destroyed, no results will be obtained from all these wars, bloodshed and sacrifices. I knew that he does not believe in Islam or Ali (as) at all, but in order to grab people's attention, he gives examples of Qur’anic verses one after the other and gives examples of Ali's words. I was still sitting at the end of Hussainiyeh and I was witnessing these scenes and I was angry and saddened by the control of the party members and the simplicity of the youth of the movement, until finally one of the cadres of the movement came to me and told me that the situation is very bad, the party members are all in Hussainiyeh. They have surrounded and if we give an answer they will beat us. And so in short, it is better 75

There was God and nothing else to leave Hussainiyeh as soon as possible! I said to him angrily, “Do you mean to run away? Should we leave the meeting in the hands of the parties and leave the battle empty?” And I added that “You and anyone else who felt threatened could go, but I would stay and try to take over the meeting.” Then, from the same place where I was sitting, I started shouting from the end of the meeting, I decided to officially enter the stage and beat them with the same party tactics. First of all, I wanted to stop this master speaker from attacking and put him on the defensive. I loudly addressed the speaker, the party members tried to dominate me with a shout, but I shouted louder. Simple, short and solid question: “Speaker, do you believe in Ali?” “Do you?” All party members rose up against me to excuse him from answering, but I repeated. Repeating again, and even addressed my question to people. ‘O people, why is this man, who talks so much about Ali and the Qur’an, afraid to answer me, whether he believes in Ali or not?’ All the comments were directed at me and I had left the humiliation completely, as if humiliation had no meaning at all, while the speaker wanted to say a word, I was shouting, “Do you believe in Ali or not?” Finally, the speaker had to say. ‘Yes, I believe in Ali!’ I immediately asked another question. “Did Ali steal?” He said: ‘No, he never stole.’ I immediately concluded without giving him a chance to escape and said: “But you are stealing. How do you believe in Ali and you still steal?” The speaker was torn, his nerves were shaken, he wanted to defend himself with all the effort, to justify his thefts, but his words had no buyers! All the people knew that they steal and this theft is not considered a sin for them... Finally, the speaker had to confess... but he said: ‘We do not steal, but we confiscate the property of capitalists, and confiscation is different from theft. If people (the masses) orders that the property of the rich be confiscated for the benefit of people, it will no longer be called theft.’ I shouted, “Which people? Everyone rejects you. All of people hate you (expression of people's feelings and their satisfaction with my words).” I 76

Memoirs written in Lebanon continued, “How many of you gather together and call yourself people, and you steal people's property for your pockets and defame people! When and where did people asked you to represent them? Wherever and whenever we look, we see that people are rejecting you.” The party speaker said that we are expropriating for the sake of people, but at the moment, people does not have enough maturity and does not understand! I told him “You don't have the right to confiscate anyone's property until the nation's representation is handed over to you. In addition, I want to ask, if you are telling the truth, why don't you confiscate the properties of the Jumblatts83 and the George Hawis?84 But you go to the houses whose poor occupants have abandoned their homes and lived under the Israeli bombings and fled, and steal all their wealth and whatever is in their houses, and you shamelessly confiscate the houses of these poor people! Yes, Ali (as) is ashamed of you, and you should be ashamed and do not make Islam and Ali (as) a toy of your political games!” The speaker with all his ability wanted to take the pulpit again, and by reciting Qur'anic verses and relying on Ali and Abu Dharr and harsh revolutionary slogans, he wanted to cover his anti-religious nature…. but I didn't allow him either. I asked him, “If you believe in God and the Messenger, tell me your opinion about alamanah.”85 But he kept silent because he was locked in a blind alley. On the one hand, with so many supporters of Islam, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and Ali (as), he could not defend alamanah (separation of the religion and politics), and on the other hand, alamanah was the slogan of all the leftist parties in Lebanon. Therefore, the party members started shouting obscenities, their anger reached the point of Refers to Lebanese Druze Politician Kamal Jumblatt (Founder of Progressive Socialist Party of Lebanon) and his son Walid Jumblatt and their rich clan. 84 George Hawi (1938-2005) was a Lebanese politician and former secretary general of the Lebanese Communist Party. He was an outspoken critic of Syrian interference in Lebanese affairs. He was killed in 2005 by a bomb placed in his car by Mossad to provoke conflict in Lebanon. 85 Alamanah means separation of religion and politics. 83

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There was God and nothing else explosion, and I was also waiting for these moments, I had nailed the speaker with repeated shouts and the chatter of the people had disturbed everything. Then the insulting and cursing started and then threats and the guns came up, but I was still throwing questions without paying attention at my left and right. Strong, short and deep questions that confused all party members. The disturbance went very high, the conflict started, and some people from both sides were getting into physical fight and the scope of the conflict extended outside Hussainiyeh. The commotion and uproar rose to the sky, every moment, we were getting closer to the explosion point, and I was also preparing myself for a bigger and more dangerous maneuver. At that moment, some of the elders of the city asked me to go forward and speak for the people, I immediately accepted and reached behind the pulpit and stood next to the party speaker. Suddenly, two strong fighters of the party came and stood on my both sides! And in their imagination, they threatened to kill me if the people attacked them. I also made my decision, a dangerous and iron decision, that in the event of a fight, with an instant blow, I will knock them on the ground that they will never rise from the ground and so based on my will and the belief in my supremacy of strength and faith, I started to speak calmly. I asked all the people that if they love us, they should be silent and not answer anyone's insults. The inside of Hussainiyeh immediately calmed down, but the commotion outside did not allow me to speak. I sent some friends to bring in all the people outside so that everyone could hear. Friends and enemies came inside little by little and remained silent to see what I was saying. First of all, I said greetings to the party speaker and I praised his mastery over the Qur’an and Nahj al-Balagha and said, “I wonder how you steal with this familiarity and interest in the Qur’an and Ali?” And you beat and harass the people, and you slander for no reason, you kill the innocent people, and you deprive the people of security, and you prepare the environment for Israel's conspiracy? At that moment, they cut off the electricity. The microphone went silent and we went into complete darkness for 78

Memoirs written in Lebanon a few moments and I was expecting an attack every moment until finally they brought a flashlight and I continued. Then I went on to explain the conspiracy... A conspiracy that was started by Israelis to wipe out the Palestinian resistance, and Kataeb, who were afraid of the rising power of the Muslims, and had conspired with Israel in order to preserve their many privileges and weaken the power of the Muslims, and had ignited the spark of the conspiracy to stop the resistance and drag it to the battlefield and kill it with the support of Israel and at the same time bring the Muslims to their knees along with the Palestinian resistance.86 The war in Lebanon, contrary to the false claim of the left parties, was not an uprising of the deprived against the existing system, but a conspiracy of the Israelis that was planned by colonialists to destroy the resistance, and every step on the way to escalate the war or spark an explosion is for the benefit of Israel and the loss of Muslims and the resistance. It was like that, and we saw that the left parties fueled the fire of war with their crude idea of overthrowing the Lebanese system, and were actually drowning in the whirlpool of conspiracy and willingly or unwillingly working for the interests of Israel. A large part of the responsibility for the bloodshed of 60,000 dead and 300,000 wounded and the total destruction of Lebanon was on the shoulders of the leftist parties of Lebanon, who, out of ignorance or treachery, constantly fanned the flames of war, and they poured gasoline on it and every day they gave Kataeb and Israel a new excuse to attack, and finally they brought Lebanon to this black day that even its survival has become doubtful, let alone the gains and achievements of the war which is constantly gaining more and more benefits. They shout more war slogans, This conspiracy and prediction of Dr. Chamran came true when Israel invaded Lebanon in 1982 aimed at eradicating the PLO and took control of Beirut and installed extremist Phalangist leader Bashir Gemayel as the President of Lebanon. However, Bashir Gemayel was assassinated before he took the office in a bomb explosion. He was succeeded by his brother Amine Gemayel. The Gemayels were allied with Israel and committed several massacres of Muslims and Palestinians. 86

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There was God and nothing else while they lose something more every day!! From the very beginning, Seyyid Musa knew the nature of the conspiracy very well and tried hard to neutralize it, to the point where he went on a hunger strike to end the war, and it ended and Rashid Karami87 got the presidency, and while the situation to calming down again, they attacked innocent Christians in Baalbek region and killed many people, and the war flared up again... The youth of Amal never neglected their historical duty for a moment, they fought to defend their areas until the last drop of their blood on all fronts of the war and gave more than 100 martyrs. The heroic defense of Shiyah, especially in the critical moments of the war, was the responsibility of the youth of Amal. The axis of As’ad A’sad and the axis of Tayouneh88 were in the hands of Amal youths, and these were among the most dangerous and difficult axes of the Shiyah war. Also, the youths of Amal were fighting hard in Hai Ghazal, in Roys area, in Hai Lilaki, in Hai Salam, in Kafr Shima, in Khandaq Ghamiq, in Tal Zaatar89, and in Naba’a. In Tal Zaatar, the devotees of Amal put their lives in danger to help the veterans of the Palestinian resistance and two military officials of Amal (from the Saqr family) were martyred in the battles of Tal Zaatar, and fifteen official members of Amal were martyred. In addition, hundreds of supporters and followers of the Movement of the Deprived were also martyred, about forty men from the Ashhab family were beheaded because once the military commander of Amal in Tal Zaatar was from the Ashhab family!

Rashid Karami (1921-1987) was a Lebanese Sunni politician. He was the most important political figures in Lebanon for more than 30 years as he served as prime minister eight times, including during much of the Lebanese Civil War (1975– 1990). He was assassinated in 1987 by Phalangists led by Samir Geagea. 88 Tayouneh is a Shia populated area in the southern suburb of Beirut. 89 Tal Zaatar was a fortified, UNRWA-administered refugee camp housing Palestinian refugees in northeastern Beirut. Christian Lebanese militias led by the Phalangists began the siege of camp in January 1976 and massacred over 2000 Palestinian refugees in August 1976. 87

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Memoirs written in Lebanon And when Tal Zaatar fell, a group of Amal suicide bombers (twelve people under the command of Mohammad Shur) along with the most skilled fighters of Fatah, went to the Mount Verdi mountains to open the way out of Tal Zaatar and spent hard and brutal days to support the escapees of Tal Zaatar in the Mount Verdi mountains. They fought and five of them were injured and taken to the hospital. In the south too, Amal fighters fought in Sidon90, Hilaliyah and Jaba to defend the resistance, and after the spread of the conspiracy to southern Lebanon, especially in the axes of Bint Jbeil and Taybeh axes, they formed the largest fighting forces after the Fath movement. Until now it has also given more martyrs than anyone else. While the leftist parties do not exist in the war zones at all, they only ride in their war vehicles in the cities and parade among the people, and show their muscles to attract attention. But I want to speak in more detail about Naba’a, because this party friend of ours accused the Movement of the Deprived and Imam Musa of having surrendered Naba’a to the Kataeb, and therefore, he accused the Imam of treason, and even when Naba’a fell, based on this accusation, the leftist parties, they sat down and issued an order to purge the Movement of the Deprived, and they beat and injured some people and put them in prison, and even killed them... For the so called crime of submitting the Movement of the Deprived people to the Kataeb. I would like to speak in more detail about the martyrdom of Naba’a and prove that this Naba’a and the fall of Naba’a are enough to prove the betrayal of the left parties, if they did not commit any other crime, only this crime of Naba’a would be enough to prove their betrayal and crime, and I testify to God that even if everyone remains silent, I personally will not be silent and I will crush the fall of Naba’a like a sledgehammer on the conscience of the society and the wisdom of history and I Sidon is the third-largest city in Lebanon located in the South about 40 km from capital Beirut. 90

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There was God and nothing else will disgrace the criminals. You, the left parties, accuse Imam Musa and the Movement of the Deprived for surrendering the Naba’a, and I will bring all of you to the court of justice and condemn you so that even you yourself admit who is the criminal and which party is the criminal..... Then I explained the condition of Naba’a from the beginning, a city of two hundred thousand people that did not even have a hospital, and because of poverty and ignorance, leftist parties had complete control. Bread and food were in the hands of leftist parties and extremist organizations, which they gave only to their supporters, and if a non-party hungry person approached them, they would say, ‘You are related to an imam. Go take it from him’, while Naba’a was besieged and there was no possibility of support and work for the unfortunate people except for the parties who received a lot of money and food from foreign countries. With his limited resources, Imam Musa was able to distribute flour, rice, sugar, oil, etc. many times to the disadvantaged non-partisan people, and for the first time, with great effort and the help of French doctors, he established a twenty-four-bed hospital with two operating rooms. They performed more than 2,700 surgeries within a month and a half, and most of them would surely have died if there was no hospital! But the leftist parties contacted the French doctors and told them that Imam Musa is a Kataebi and a reactionary, a puppet and a spy, and it is better for you to get out of Naba’a. The doctors said that we are working for humanity and have nothing to do with Imam Musa. The party members said that this hospital is named after Imam Musa and he is using his good reputation to run this hospital!... And finally, they provoked and threatened so much that the foreign doctors ran away from Naba’a! This was the work of the leftist parties in Naba’a! Is there a bigger crime than this? What kind of blind conscience can stand in front of these terrible facts and not burst with pain? What party can consider itself a supporter of humanity after all 82

Memoirs written in Lebanon these crimes? Let me explain something more important, so that the conspirators will be more scandalized. Armenians live in the neighborhood of Naba’a, who are the boundary between Muslims and Christians. The Armenians were neutral in the war and had a close friendly relationship with the Muslims, and flour and food, medicine and doctors and even weapons were secretly delivered by the Armenians, and there was an agreement that no armed men would enter the Armenian side, from the left or the right. Only the entry and exit of unarmed people was free… In the last days of Naba’a before its fall, when the conspiracy to overthrow it was about to be formed, one of the Palestinian leftist organizations, called the Democratic Front91, which was led by a Maronite Christian named Ramzi, attacked the Armenians several times and killed thirty-two of them. The Armenians protested and complained to Yasser Arafat and Jumblatt, but it didn't give any results, and finally, in order for the conspiracy to be materialized, they raped four Armenian girls in the middle of the street, and as a result, the Armenians also stood next to Kataeb, and Kataeb entered Naba’a through the Armenian neighborhoods and because of it, the Naba’a fell. A few days before the final fall of Naba’a, Abdul Karim Saeed, the head of the Amal’s military wing in the Trad camp axis, and thirteen of the Amal fighters who were responsible for the defense of the axis and had repelled numerous Kataeb attacks with great sacrifice, were attacked from behind by the leftist parties (Joint forces). They were taken, on the charge that the Amal fighters are Syrian puppets, they were disarmed, severely beaten and put in prison, and some of them were hospitalized for a long time, and Abdul Karim Saeed himself, from the severity of the gun butt injuries, after a week, his head was still swollen and his face was black! Of course, the day after The Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine was founded in 1968 by Nayef Hawatmeh (b. 1938). It is a secular Palestinian Marxist–Leninist organization. 91

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There was God and nothing else the arrest of thirteen Amal fighters, the axis of the Trad camp fell because there was no one to defend this area. Based on the same conspiracy, some party members attacked the Plaza axis, which was held by Amal, from behind and tied them to machine guns, and Amal's fighters saved themselves through the broken wall, stones and holes under the barrage of bullets, and the next day, the hard axis of Plaza, it also fell because it had no defender! And most importantly, painfully and scandalously, Major Abu Zeid, Fatah's commander in Naba’a, announced in a press interview after escaping and said: “Twenty-four hours before the fall of Naba’a, thirteen parties and organizations in Naba’a surrendered and left Naba’a.” And all of them are now living safely in the western region... But the Amal fighters fought until the last moment and about twenty-five of them were martyred. Among them, those who deserve to be mentioned were the military officer Husayn Qashgash, the cultural officer Mohammad Faqih, and the service officer Abu Mohammad Qaiq. The parties conspired and brought Naba’a to fall, and one day before the fall, they surrendered their weapons and escaped safely, but Amal's youth fought and were martyred, and what a greater crime than someone coming and saying the Movement of the Deprived or Seyyid Musa (Sadr) surrendered Naba’a! If there was an iota of honor, manhood and fairness, these traitors would not have made such shameless accusations, at least they would have been ashamed of the blood of Amal's martyrs, and if they had a conscience and morals, they would not have committed so many crimes and injustices... and then the most shameful crime. This criminal is the one who, after the fall of Naba’a, the leftist parties and organizations gathered and issued the order to purge the Movement of the Deprived, so that everywhere in Lebanon, wherever, the partisans found a youth of Amal or the Movement of the Deprived, they took them, beat them and put them in prison and in some cases killed them. This crime and this betrayal is enough to condemn these parties eternally. And even if there was no other sin committed by these parties including all these crimes and treasons, only this conspiracy, the fall of Naba’a and the slanders, betrayals, and 84

Memoirs written in Lebanon crimes after the fall were enough to condemn these disgraceful parties to the eternal damnation. (People from the crowd stood up and stated that they had been in Naba’a and had witnessed the betrayal of the parties themselves... and voices of approval were heard from other places. There was a great excitement in whole Hussainiyeh, from all corners, harsh slogans against the parties could be heard. The party members had fallen into a shameful silence, no answer was heard from them, the party leaders were stunned and staring at the tense scene and were unable to do anything, their weapons were no longer working, and only the clenched fists of the people inside Hussainiyeh were seen and except for the loud slogans of litigation and protests against the atrocities and crimes of the parties, nothing was heard.). I continued loudly: “I ask the representatives of the parties present here to stand up and say if there is a problem with my words or the facts I am saying...” but there was no objection! I continued: “You, the leftist parties, insult Seyyid Musa Sadr and shamelessly call him an agent and a spy, but a careful examination of the history of the past two years clearly shows that the only reformed, self-sacrificing and right-seeking man was only Imam Musa Sadr, and that's enough... to prove I am comparing the important activities of the parties and the Imam during the last two years... When the civil war started, Imam Musa immediately announced that it was an Israeli conspiracy and that the conspiracy must be neutralized at any cost. And he extinguished the fire of war, while the parties were chanting war and killing and accusing the Imam of not wanting to fight, (while in the past he had given the slogan of arms, adorning men's clothing), and today everyone knows that all parties were wrong, and Imam Musa thought correctly, and drowning in the whirlpool of this, the dangerous conspiracy was not in the best interest of the Muslims and certainly the leftist parties played an important role in this great trouble, and the blood of sixty thousand dead and three hundred thousand wounded will not spare those responsible for this war, while the Imam even went 85

There was God and nothing else on a hunger strike to stop the war so that he could use his spiritual position to stop the war and he was successful for a while. The leftist parties and their leader Jumblatt issued an order to dismantle Kataeb, and the Imam objected, and then he emphasized that Kataeb's dismantling was not appropriate. And then the left and right parties launched the ‘Murder based on Identity Card’92 campaign, which means that a Christian will kill every Muslim and a Muslim will kill every Christian at any point. Murder for the crime of belonging to religion! And what a great crime, and how much blood was unjustly shed. Imam Musa stood firm against the ‘Murder based on Identity Card’, fought and tolerated and so many curses and slanders he heard from the leftist parties. And we saw that the ‘Murder based on Identity Card’ ended in the benefit of the Kataeb, and they gathered all the Christians around the Kataeb, and every Christian necessarily took up arms to defend his life, and entered the war as an anti-Muslim, and they emerged as the most powerful among the Christians.. Jumblatt and the leftist parties raised the slogan of ‘local administration’ and created ‘political assembly’ and ‘national army’ and ‘mass police’ and various ministries to practically divide Lebanon. Imam Musa strongly opposed it and continued until almost all national forces gave up the slogan of ‘local administration’ and supported the unity of Lebanon. The leftist parties under the leadership of Jumblatt put forward the extreme slogan of alamanah (the clerical separation of religion from the government), and the Imam opposed it, and after the struggles, all the factions admitted that the Imam's view was correct and accepted the ‘political separation of state and religion’ that was in fact the Imam's slogan. And soon after that the greatest calamity emerged and that The Lebanese National Identity Card of the citizen mentions his religion and sect also. This led to killing of innocent citizens by armed militias. Especially the Kataeb killed thousands of innocent Muslims. 92

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Memoirs written in Lebanon was the time of explosion of conflict between Syria and the resistance. Jumblatt and the leftist political parties called Syria as a traitor and a spy who had no faith and a belief that killing a Syrian was better than killing an Israeli and used to shout the slogan that it is better that Israel enters Lebanon than the Syria enters Lebanon. They used to say that whoever doesn’t fight against Syria is a traitor to the resistance of Palestine. But the Imam believed that any explosion of conflict between Syria and the resistance is a great calamity for the Palestinian resistance and the Arab nation, and this explosion must be stopped at any cost. And how much the Imam was attacked because of his correct approaches and was even insulted many times and what slanders, curses and calamities he endured but did not change his logical line of thought and finally it was after his miraculous persistence that Syria and the resistance reconciled and created this new era which is certainly in favor of the Palestinian resistance and the Muslims, and this is something that all the people and even the leftist parties admit today. But not even one of them has the honor and courage to come and apologize for all the slanders, curses, and attacks they threw on Imam Musa and confess the greatness of the Imam... We see that all the words, views and suggestions of the Imam were correct and logical, and other parties and leaders have changed their positions regularly and they was forced to realize their mistakes. They have changed their slogans but the Imam, with clarity and following high values and independence from foreign powers, and not accepting money and weapons from governments and powers, always spoke the truth and insisted on the truth, and for the sake of the truth, he faced the greatest insults and slanders. He endured the attacks, malice and grudges, but he did not deviate from the path of truth even for a moment, and he did not sacrifice the truth for interests, expediency, conditions, fear, threats, and greed... And this person is valuable and this man is worthy of 87

There was God and nothing else leading the nation, and for this reason we see that after all the slanders, enmities and poisonous propaganda against Imam Musa, the person who is loved and idolized by the majority of people is Imam Musa. (The meeting ended amid the passionate slogans of the people in favor of Imam Musa Sadr, and the party members only invited me to attend another meeting in that city and speak for them. I accepted, but the people of the city refused and said that these are not people at all that you should lower yourself to their level and sit with them and raise their status.)

September 20, 1977 North Tower of Tyre Argument with the father of one of the school students One of the good students in the field of mechanics, instead of going home during Eid al-Fitr leave, he went to the war axis of Bint Jbeil to fight shoulder to shoulder with his brothers in defense of his land and honor against Israel and Kataeb. The student's family was disturbed by his absence. They contacted the school, and did not find him! Finally, they found out that their son had gone to war. They came to the school angrily and scolded the school officials. The student's father said, ‘I have sent my son to school for study, not for war.’ And he took all his books and clothes and took his son out of school forever, and I also agreed to expel him from school.. Two weeks later, the father returned with some mediators and said that his son had run away from home and went to the war zones again, and requested that I mediate or give advice and return his son to his father's house. It was very difficult and sad for me to see a cowardly and selfish man reprimanding and excommunicating his brave and responsible son and cursing the school that put such thoughts in the student's brain. I started to speak and I emptied my inner anger and 88

Memoirs written in Lebanon displeasure. I criticized the student's father and the mediators and said that I wished that the honor and sense of responsibility and sense of sacrifice and faith of your youth would have a little influence on their fathers and elders and you should have learned a little lesson from your self-sacrificing kids. It is surprising that your sons willingly sacrifice everything and bravely defend the honor and dignity of their homeland, but instead of thanking God, you, the fathers, are madly denying the truth and reality. In school, we do not send anyone to the war and we do not pull students out of the classroom to send them to the areas of war. But the students see that their principal personally goes to the battlefield and makes sacrifices, the best teachers of the school go to the battle axes and guard the country, the students see that this school has sacrificed many devotees for the cause of God and they remember the best teachers and students of the school who were martyred. Some have come back bearing the scars of the war injuries with them. The school whose founder is Imam Musa, the symbol of the Shiites and the continuation of the Hosseini struggle, they see that the heroes of Amal come and go to the school with dusty faces, but have iron will and sometimes with bloodied bodies. They see that even though sometimes one of Amal’s heroes is martyred and the commemoration ceremony of the martyr is held in the midst of a great sentiments of love, respect and excitement. They see that the majority of the people have fled from humiliation, personal fear and personal convenience and have left the stage empty for the enemy. They see that some extremist parties, with foreign money and weapons, attack the roots of their homeland, independence and destiny and betray their nation out of ignorance or personal interests. The students of this school see and understand all these facts and feel responsible and enter the battle as a sufficient obligation to fulfill their patriotic, historical and human responsibility. By their own will and desire, they take up arms and go to the areas of war and welcome martyrdom with open arms in order to show everyone the correct and direct 89

There was God and nothing else way, so that they can actually introduce responsibility and duty to all people, and if they are martyred, they will wake up the sleeping, humiliated and opportunist people with their pure blood. These young people are the most precious, sincere and pure stars of the long and painful history of Shia and they are rightly considered as Shia of Husayn (as) and Ali (as). And they carry the banner of Husayn’s martyrdom, and they illuminate the glorious path of our mission..... And how difficult and sad it is for fathers like you to rebuke such pure, precious and self-sacrificing sons! The truth is that it is cruelty and injustice, God will not forgive you, history will not forgive you, Ali (as) will not forgive you, Husayn will not forgive you, and the blood of Shia martyrs during the years of oppression and misery will not forgive you. How good it would be if you fathers would learn honor, dignity and humanity from these pure and brave self-sacrificing sons and be proud of such sons, and forever break the stench of humiliation, captivity and misery, and be so self-disgracing in front of your enemies and you would not be humiliated and miserable. Go and leave me alone, I am ashamed to hear your views, and I do not want to see such unjust and ignorant people. They also left the school angry and embarrassed.

November, 1977 In the name of God, the beneficent, the merciful My dear and respected friend Seyyid Ahmad Khomeini Accept my warm and hearty salam First of all, I offer my condolences to you for this great loss93, and I hope that the Great God will bless you with patience and reward. My heart and soul are with you from afar and I feel Refers to the martyrdom of Seyyid Ahmad Khomeini’s elder brother Haj Seyyid Mustafa Khomeini. He was martyred in suspicious poising by the agents of SAVAK on 23rd October, 1977 in Najaf, Iraq. 93

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Memoirs written in Lebanon great sympathy and attachment, and I wish that my existence could be useful and effective even to the extent of a straw. I hope that with your self-control and strong will, you will be able to reduce the discomforts, sorrows and calamities faced by your honorable father, and especially relieve his pain a little. One should submit to the will of God and His decision and know that everything is from Him and trust Him. Last Friday in Shiyah, a memorial ceremony was held for the martyr94 by the Movement of the Deprived (because the elders of Supreme Shiite Council were against having the ceremony under its name). The ceremony was very prestigious. Several thousand people participated and there was emotional uproar, and Imam Musa Sadr was also present from the beginning of the meeting. The speakers also blizzarded, they beat the Shah to such an extent that there was no limit, and the glorification of Imam Khomeini's authority was the focus of the words of all the speakers. One of the speakers, Anis Sweidan, talked about Shia thought and philosophy, the history of Shia anti-oppression, and finally the struggles of Imam Khomeini against the Shah and the 15th of Khordad and his exile. Of course I had personally prepared his materials and he said everything without restraint! The second speaker, Abdul Majid Saleh, spoke more about martyrdom, and the third speaker, Sheikh Mohammad Yaqoub, gave a blizzard and spoke so epically that people could not bear it and for the first time in Hussainiyeh - at the Martyr's Memorial, they clapped out of emotion!! And Imam Musa Sadr wanted to prevent clapping, but he couldn't... I sent you a summary of their speeches last Sunday by a passenger, God willing, it will reach you. I also sent pamphlets from Quds, all of which are interviews with Palestinian resistance leaders on behalf of European representatives, and they are interesting. Because they show the thoughts and opinions of the non-leftist factions of the resistance and invalidate the claims of the leftists like ones. 94

Martyr Mustafa Khomeini, the eldest son of Imam Khomeini (ra).

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There was God and nothing else Unfortunately, the tape of the speakers speeches was damaged. And for this reason, I will send you the lectures in Arabic. The situation in Lebanon is not good. There is a high risk of explosion of war. Syria is also in danger of collapse from inside and outside, and if Syria collapses, Christians and Israel will kill the Muslims. Beirut is tense and Kataeb and Ahrar are constantly inciting and blowing up Muslim shops and sometimes even kidnap people and passing through Christian neighborhoods is not safe for Muslims. In the south, Israel is severely hitting the Shia population and thousands of people are fleeing.

November, 1977 Martyr Seyyid Mustafa Khomeini's memorial in Lebanon To commemorate the martyrdom of Mustafa Khomeini, the Movement of the Deprived of Lebanon held a magnificent ceremony. An invitation was announced in the official daily newspaper of the movement ‘Amal wa Rasalah’ for the commemoration on 11/11/1977 at 7:00 PM in Hussainiyeh Shiyah. There was a great excitement in Shiyah, all the walls and columns of Hussainiyeh were decorated with large photos of Ayatollah Khomeini, the great religious authority of Shiites, and the martyrdom announcements of Seyyid Mustafa Khomeini. Two regular queues of the officials of the Movement of the Deprived in Shiyah welcomed the participants in the commemoration. Thousands of people attended. There was no place to sit in Hussainiyeh, and the crowd had filled all the corners of Hussainiyeh, and many people were forced to sit on the lower floor of Hussainiyeh, a part of Hussainiyeh was reserved for women, and many girls of the underprivileged movement were visible. At seven o'clock in the afternoon, the memorial service began with the recitation of the Qur’an by Sheikh Salman. Mr. Seyyid Musa Sadr, the leader of the Movement of the Deprived and the leader of the Lebanese Shiites, and some clerics were also present… 92

Memoirs written in Lebanon After the recitation of the Qur’an, the moderator of the ceremony, Professor Farid al-Ghul, with fervor and extraordinary passion, started the ceremony with the name of the great Shia authority, Imam Khomeini, and his rights-seeking struggles against tyranny, oppression and colonialism, and asked everyone to stand and be silent for a minute to seek mercy and recite fatiha. Then he invited Professor Anis Sweidan for speech. In the introduction of his speech, Anis Sweidan pointed out the basis of Shia ideology, which stands for justice and focuses all its government activities on the axis of justice, and considers justice as the first necessity of a righteous government, and considered justice as the greatest and most important condition for perfection of human being and society, and this necessity and importance of justice is embodied in Islamic government in the form of Imamate. The imam must have conditions, the most important of which is justice and equality, and from here justice and Imamate appear as the foundation of Shia ideology, which is evident throughout the painful and honored history of Shia... And we see that throughout history, Shi'ites have fought against every type of oppression and have rejected any oppressive government and this historical rejection against caliphs, tyrannical rulers and corrupt leaders has been the greatest characteristic of Shiites. Bloody struggles and martyrdoms for justice and against oppression have shaped the entire history of Shia. In the present century, we have witnessed the struggles and sacrifices of Shia leaders against tyranny and colonialism, but the greatest figure who is the real representative of the Shia spirit in the present era and the embodiment of the relentless struggle against the oppression of the rulers and the rejection of tyranny and colonialism is Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, the supreme authority of Shiites. He is the one who created a new school with his struggles and brought the clergy from the viewpoint of the mosque to the active struggle in the community 93

There was God and nothing else and for the first time, he created intellectual and practical unity between the religious seminaries, the clergy and the enlightened youth involved in struggle. As a result of Ayatollah Khomeini's campaigns, different groups of Iranian people entered the scene of struggle, revolutionary organizations were created, and even the clergy gave many martyrs, such as martyr Ayatollah Ghaffari95, who died under the torture of the Shah's regime and Mr. Taleghani96 who is still imprisoned in the jail of the regime. Currently, tens of thousands of Iranian self-determining people, among whom there are many clerics, are in prison. Then he mentioned the 15th Khordad uprising, when Khomeini, the highest religious authority rose up against capitulation, and his comprehensive and shocking speeches terrified the regime. Demonstrations of hundreds of thousands of people during Muharram put the Shah at risk of falling, the Shah's regime imprisoned Ayatollah Khomeini, and the people's demonstrations reached an explosive level. The Shah's army shot the people in several cities and more than fifteen thousand people were martyred. Ayatollah Khomeini was later exiled to Turkey, where he was imprisoned for a year in the company of his eldest son Seyyid Mustafa, and due to the protests of Iranian students abroad and even in Turkey, and the pressure of international organizations, Turkey regretted to keep Ayatollah Khomeini in prison there. Ayatollah Khomeini was then transferred to Najaf

Martyr Ayatollah Husayn Ghaffari was a great scholar who opposed tyrannical Pahlavi regime. He continued his struggles and so was arrested and tortured several times by SAVAK. During 1971-74 he staged a novel form of struggle and appeared less in public. He was finally arrested again in the early summer of 1974 in Tehran. The Pahlavi regime arrested his children, brother and his wife in order to subdue him. On December 28, 1974 Ayatollah Husayn Ghaffari was martyred in the prison of the Pahlavi regime. He was buried in Qom. 96 Ayatollah Seyyid Mahmoud Taleghani was a great revolutionary Islamic Scholar and thinker of Iran. He continued his ideological struggle against Pahlavi regime for several years and spent 15 years in prison. He was appointed as the first Friday prayer Imam of Tehran after the success of Islamic Revolution. He died in Sept 1979 and was buried in Beheshte Zahra Cemetery, Tehran. 95

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Memoirs written in Lebanon Ashraf, Iraq and from there he led the struggle of the Iranian people against the tyrant regime of the Shah. As the highest religious authority, Khomeini is also a manifestation of the struggle against Zionism and Israel's fascist goals in the Middle East and has always invited people to fight against Israel and defended the Palestinian revolution. At the end of his speech, Professor Anis mentioned Seyyid Mustafa's martyrdom, that the Iranian regime has taken such an cruel action to silence this struggle and then he paid tribute to the supreme Shia authority and said that without a doubt, the existence of such a brave son alongside a militant and exiled father has been a great blessing, and his loss is sad, and then he prayed to God for patience and health for Ayatollah Khomeini, and asked for his victory in his righteous struggles... Then the stage secretary of the ceremony said epic phrases again and invited the second speaker, Professor Abdul Majid Saleh to the pulpit. Abdul Majid Saleh spoke with eloquent and exciting expressions on the philosophy of martyrdom, and said that the martyrdom of the great Shiites, from Husayn (as) to the martyrdom of Dr. Ali Shariati and the martyrdom of Seyyid Mustafa Khomeini, are all links of a long chain of evolution and struggle in the path of truth and justice. Then he pointed to the south of Lebanon and the cruelty and crimes that are going on there. The invasion of Israel, the conspiracy of politicians and hundreds of thousands of unfortunate displaced people on the eve of winter, homeless and without the most basic means of life, the blood-stained south, the tortured south, the south whose majority is Shia and the historical area of Jabal Amel located in it. Jabal Amel is the cradle of Shia knowledge and civilization. It has been, the land of Abu Dharr Ghaffari, the land of great scholars, the holy land that has many bloods and martyrs in its chest, the land that does not know emigration except in two situations: 1. Emigration to God 2. Emigration to Martyrdom!... From Iran to Najaf and South Lebanon, Karbala is everywhere, and from the martyrs of South Lebanon to Seyyid Mustafa 95

There was God and nothing else Khomeini and Dr. Ali Shariati, they are all links of the same chain... And finally, the speaker ended his speech with a eulogy to the martyr's soul. Then, while paying attention to the pain and oppression in the south, and encouraging the people to resist and fight, the stage secretary of the ceremony introduced the third speaker, Sheikh Muhammad Yaqub, and the Sheikh went to the pulpit amidst the very high enthusiasm of the audience… Sheikh Mohammad Yaqub, after the salam and salutations and the fatiha for soul of Seyyid Mustafa Khomeini especially mentioned the ongoing struggles of the Shia authority, Hazrat Ayatollah Khomeini, had some words to express, and mentioned the historical role of the mission and the continued chain of struggle and martyrdom from the beginning of history to the present day, and with the commemoration of Dr. Ali Shariati and then Seyyid Mustafa Khomeini, he announced the relationship between the people of Iran and the Shiites of Lebanon… Then he pointed to the bloody south, and the martyrdom of Amal devotees in the south against Israel and Kataeb, to preserve the dignity and honor of the Shia, and to defend Jabal Amel against oppression, Zionism, and imperialism… Then addressing the highest religious authority, Ayatollah Khomeini, he said: From the bloody south, from among the starving and displaced Shiites, I am addressing you, who are the authority of the Shiites, and I am asking for help so that you do not forget the bloody fate of these oppressed people... Sheikh Muhammad Yaqoub's detailed speech was so exciting and epic that several times, the large crowd of Hussainiyeh expressed their feelings and emotions and even clapped uncontrollably, and sometimes Allahu Akbar was shouted from all the corners and another group sang an exciting hymn, the excitement of all listeners was impatient. Some were crying, some were clapping, some were shouting. The large hall of Hussainiyeh was overflowing and people were in a state that was completely extraordinary… 96

Memoirs written in Lebanon Sheikh Salman once again recited the Qur’an and the historical session of commemoration of martyr Seyyid Mustafa Khomeini ended. What is noteworthy about this great commemoration ceremony, is the awareness of the youth of the Movement the Deprived about the events in Iran and their interest in the fate of the oppressed people of Iran and their expression of sympathy and solidarity in the struggles between the Shiites of Lebanon and the people of Iran, and especially the indescribable glorification of highest religious authority of Shias, Khomeini, who was unknown in Lebanon, and the recognition of the depth of Dr. Ali Shariati's influence on the thoughts and the hearts of the intellectual youth and Muslim of Lebanon.

January, 1978 O God, in the world of humans, I don't know a greater, more complete and better person than Ali (as), but You didn't even give him victory in the struggles of life, and You crushed his rule of justice and equality under the whips of oppression, tyranny and corruption of Muawiya, and You didn't let blossom of justice and freedom and humanity flourish, so that the rule of truth, at least in the hands of Ali, triumph over the darkness of disbelief, ignorance and oppression... No way, what am I saying? What unreasonable expectations I have? What wonderful wishes, what strange claims! Did Muhammad (pbuh) win? With that divine mission, with all those sacrifices and after all those hard struggles and stunning victories, where did he finally reach? Didn’t the bullies and oppressors came and in the name of Muhammad (pbuh) established oppressive governments similar to Caesar97 and Kasra?98 What did they do? Didn’t they destroy the best and most precious models of the school of thought of Muhammad

97 Julius Caesar (100 BC – 44 BC) was a cruel Roman military general and dictator. 98

Kasra (Khosrow I) was the Sasanian King of Iran from 531 to 579 AD.

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There was God and nothing else (pbuh)? Husayn, the Lord of the Martyrs, the best fruit of the garden of prophethood and imamate was so cruelly reduced to dust and blood because his pure and humane character was not digestible for the tyrannical, corrupt and oppressive system of Yazid. During the long and painful history of Shia, we have constantly witnessed the sacrifice of the best fruits of perfection and the most precious free men of the society. And today, there is an emotional scene of the fight between right and wrong in front of us, where the heroes of right and justice make sacrifices and win great honors in this bloody battle…but… But can we expect that we will win and the glory of victory will cast a shadow on us; And the demon of oppression and blasphemy falls to its knees; And will justice spread over the community, and let the proud flag of Ali (as) which is dyed with the pure blood of Husayn (as) fly over history? No way!! I do not have such hope, because history, philosophy and reality show otherwise. We rush forward to embrace the bride of martyrdom, not hoping to win... We strive to practice the highest manifestation of sacrifice and worship on the altar of love, rather than being seduced by the material gains of life. We go to God to become free from all the material products of the world, not to make God a means to achieve our personal interests... Therefore, in the struggle of life, I have not looked towards victory and I have not hoped it from anyone, and I have never tried to sacrifice the purity and tenderness of my heart for victory and salvation… I, who have gone through everything and even cut off my hope of victory, no longer have a reason to kneel before governments and authorities, pressures, threats and temptations. 98

Memoirs written in Lebanon I have been freed from everything and I have surrendered my purity and tenderness to nothing, even I do not sell salvation and victory. O God, you have made me victorious in many exams and given me brilliant success and you have given me excellence above several others... But I remember that before the exams, I was always immersed in fear, even in the lessons and exams where I have been really superior and stronger and without a doubt I have had many points of excellence over others, but even in those exams I have not been free of fear and panic, fear of slipping, fear of mistakes, fear of destiny and fate and bad luck.. I even remember at times when my superiority and privilege was certain and sure and I was expecting brilliant victories, but at the same time, I was more afraid because a small error would cause me to fall from the peak of greatness and intellectual privileges, and it would be very uncomfortable and fatal and unbearable for me... and this fear made the next victory pleasant and enjoyable. In the battle of life, I faced very difficult tests, which were not without fear, and in most of them I won brilliant victories, and in my opinion, the hardest test of my life was the two-year period of war99, and my greatest victory was my persistence and stability on the right path. And enduring all the sufferings and tortures, dangers and winning over all the obstacles of evil and corruption, oppression, disbelief and ignorance. This difficult test ended with my victory, while I never had hope for my success, and I was not sure of my life even for a moment. But now I am afraid that the Great God is preparing me for a greater test, so that if the root of pride has turned green in my burned being, it will burn, or if a particle of selfishness has made my selfless soul to be smoothed, or if it is an earthly desire, without love and worship surges in my heart, let it be completely destroyed... I am afraid of this difficult test of God, I am afraid of 99

The two years of civil war in Lebanon. It stopped for a while but started again.

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There was God and nothing else slipping, error and fault, I am afraid of destiny and freewill and I seek refuge in God. O God, what am I? Who am I? Why have I come? Why am I alive? What do I want from life? An dejected dervish, burned-hearted, heartbroken, disappointed of the world, alone, alone and alone where the danger of death falls like rain, I go to welcome death, swim in the sea of death, and count the moments in the hope of martyrdom... Where honors are given, where benefits and interests are mentioned, where all dancers dance and where they celebrate the victory, I am not present, I am alone and I crawl into a corner and I am alone with my God and tears, I have no expectation of victory, no hope for gifts and fortunes, benefits and expediencies, and no fear of death and failure and no embarrassment from infamy and blame, slander and lies... Lifespan is ridiculous in my opinion, both its victories and its failures, its life and its death! whether its sorrows and whether its joys. Whether hoping for dreams or fearing destiny... everything seems ridiculous to me. I am not happy with anything and no one, I have no hopes and expectations from anything and no one, I am not afraid of anything and no one. I wake up because of duty, I eat because of duty, I sleep because of duty, I fight because of duty, I struggle because of duty, I talk because of duty, I live because of duty... Life has been hard and unbearable for me... Maybe I am dead, I am a dead soul, I am stone and static, I've washed my hands of life and death, and I am only moving because of my duty.

January 15, 1978 What a terror and horror? It has cast such a shadow of brutality, cruelty and terror across the region that it is unimaginable! How horrible it is to live day and night waiting for death, to hear horrible news, to be waiting every moment for someone armed with a fatal bullet in every way, in the bend of every road, under every tree, in the corner of every house waiting 100

Memoirs written in Lebanon for an enemy ambush to jump from every sound to be afraid of every new arrival. Trembling with terror from every unusual movement from every black spot, from every strange sound, from every unfamiliar look...

January 25, 1978 How do you protect the duck from the storm? Yesterday, the person in charge of Security (Aman Toureh)100 in the southern Lebanon came to the Institute101 and pulled me aside and said: ‘I have been assigned by the Palestinian resistance leadership to protect your life. Therefore, I want to send three Palestinian fighters to you who will always be by your side, even in the car, and protect you.’ I said: “Is there any news?” He said: ‘The security reports indicate that the enemies are in ambush to kill you and your life is in definite danger, and such an incident is heavy and unbearable loss for the Palestinian resistance, and I have the responsibility from the resistance's leadership to protect you.’ I thanked him and said: “Great God is my guardian.” And he rejected this statement and repeated his responsibility, and finally I said that there are many youths of Amal Movement and they will protect me if necessary, and I thanked him again. Strange! Do they threaten me with death? The one who plunges into the arms of death and is pleased with the grace and peace of death. I am a child of grief and pain. I am drowning in the sea of pain and I am pressed under a mountain of grief and I constantly burn in the fire of deprivation and destitution. I feel alienated

The in charge of the Security of Revolution (Security Organization) of Fath Palestinian Movement. 101 Jabal Amel Industrial Institute where Dr. Chamran was director. 100

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There was God and nothing else from the world and whatever is in it.

February 4, 1978 I scream from the bottom of my heart, but no one hears me. I call the world to fight and I go alone to the world war, I set my existence on fire. I pour my blood on the ground so that maybe some people will come to their senses, so that a conscience will wake up, or a conscious ear will hear my plea. But alas, material interests, love of life and personal interests have chained everyone. The determinism of history has enslaved everyone. I want a lover who will draw a red pen on all of existence, and be freed from all the chains and captivity of worldly calculations and fears and interests, become a single fire, become love, scream, fight, become a sword, win, become a lion, and sink into the taste of martyrdom and carry the bloody banner of the felicity of the enslaved man from one generation to the next. I am a stranger, all people find me strange, my thoughts, my burning love, my sacrifice, my forgiveness, my patience and tolerance, my pain and sadness, my courage, and my taking risks are strange. They say to themselves that he is such and such a person… it is true that he is a stranger to us! And they think that these characteristics are the result of being aliens, and they more or less expect every other alien to have such characteristics, and they glorify God for creating such unnatural and strange people. The truth is that I am a stranger to everything and everyone, helpless and in pain, I put my head in the pocket of thinking, and I run away from all the world and with all haste, I seek refuge in the end of my existence, so that I have no other companion except my broken heart, except the beating of my heart I will not hear anything, and my burning sigh will not be answered except by my heart, and the cry of my inner upheaval will not be reflected except on my heart.

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February 8, 1978 O God! With a world of wishes, I stepped into this land, with pure wishes, holy wishes, Godly wishes that had no color of selfishness and short-sightedness. I wished to die for the cause of the Palestinian revolution and put my life in return for the freedom of Palestine. I wished to travel to Quds on foot and prostrate to God there and be grateful for His grace and mercy. I wished to fight in the way of justice and to be a friend and helper of the deprived, the poor and the heartbroken. I wished to hoist the flag of Ali (as) high to tear the dirty and black veils of slander, envy, malice, lies, hatred and deception that the oppressors of history have drawn on Ali (as) and to honor his pure and shining existence with honor and love. To those who are thirsty for truth, justice, and humanity in the path of perfection, gather them around the candle of his existence, and in dealing with difficult and excruciating problems in a life that is full of trials, tribulations, pain, and calamities, I seek courage from his strong will and on the Day of Resurrection, where my hand is short of everything, to prove my truth and love and faith, I will request Ali (as) to intercede for me before God. I wished that in hard battles and stormy events, in the battle of life and death between truth and falsehood, I will carry the blood-soaked banner of Husayn and with the sacrifice of my existence, I will add a link to the long chain of martyrs of the path of truth and bring humanity one step closer to perfection. I wished to create a utopia in which shadow of justice prevails, where the stream of love and affection irrigates the land of pure human hearts, where jealousy, slander, evil, disbelief, ignorance and oppression are uprooted from it. Where an orphan with teary eyes should not fall asleep, a painful wail in the middle of the night should not break the silence of the darkness, and a burning sigh of despair should not go to the sky. 103

There was God and nothing else How beautiful it is to put your trust in God and to fly in the middle of storms with the confidence of your heart, and to dive into the depths of dangerous whirlpools with love, and to be eagerly martyred in the battle of life and death, and to give one’s whole being as a sacrifice to God on the altar of love, and to be self-transcendent from everything and achieving absolute freedom. How beautiful it is to endure pain and suffering on the path of the beloved, to be crushed under the millstones of life, to sink into the sea of sorrow, to be accused because of being right, and to hear curses and profanities, and to be driven out from everywhere and rejected by everyone. How beautiful it is to remain committed to God's values and to suffer for the sake of God and to persist and suffer losses for the sake of the truth, and to give up everything and think only of God and go to God. How beautiful it is to be a candle and to burn and to light the way and to challenge disbelief and ignorance and to bring the monster of darkness to its knees and to make one's existence the basic condition for the victory of light over darkness. How beautiful it is to remain only with God and being cut off from all the world, being rejected by all people and not having any place of refuge except God, and being completely hopeless from everyone and everywhere and having no hope, desire, or light except from God... How beautiful it is to embrace death and rush to meet God, and to dominate all the manifestations of existence, and to rule over all the worlds and laws of the world, and to destroy the fate of history, and to change the course of history, and to defeat the strong-clawed and hard-living Satan and to show real beauty of human being in its greatest and perfect form. O God, who knows our stormy life? And who feels about heavy, dangerous and deadly moments of our lives? Every moment our existence is in danger of destruction and decay, every day terrible and pitiful news comes to us, there is a 104

Memoirs written in Lebanon conspiracy and a plot against us from every side. Accusations, slanders, dirty tricks and deception can be seen from every corner. The horizon is dark, the future is uncertain and hopes are cut off, no help is expected from anyone and anywhere, our friends have left us, they have sought refuge in groups in foreign countries to work and make a living, the conservatives have taken their mats and crawled to the corner of the mosque to justify themselves for running away from the struggle and they bring excuses worse than sin. The self-sacrificing devotees102 are also tired, hungry, helpless, withered and despaired, and they have been attacked, slandered, threatened, killed and destroyed from all sides... What a great cruelty! What a great crime! What a painful fate! What a dark future! A wish was born in the middle of the struggle and was watered with the blood of martyrs, and sometimes the breeze of hope blew over it and the fragrance of happiness and victory could be smelled from it... But history shows that the 1400 year old painful destiny of Shia is impossible to change and to create a new path. Fate and destiny have ordered that Shia should always be in the constant struggle against oppression, and will be crushed under the wheels of evil systems, and burn in the fire of hatred, malice, grudges and revenge of the ignorant, biased and interest-seeking majority, will be caught in a storm of hardships and accusations, danger and slander, oppression and despair, will be caught in storm of misfortune, failure and pain, and there will be no way out. There will be no salvation left for them but martyrdom, and no desire in their hearts but to meet the Lord, and no expectation but pain, sadness and calamity will fill their withered hearts...

February 10, 1978 I had not yet opened my eyes to the world when I faced 102

Youths of the Movement of the Deprived

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There was God and nothing else the hard storms of life. I struggled hard to survive. I was quick and agile in the ups and downs of life, going through the lows and highs. I was saving myself from the dangerous whirlpools, I was struggling with the dangerous waves and I wanted to find a safe shore and stop for a moment, I wished to find a broken board and hang on it and pave my way to the safe shore... Strong storms were tossing me from side to side like a straw, and I was trying to keep my balance and not fall. In my life, I didn't find a moment to rest in peace and confidence, to watch the beauty of the world with ease, to enjoy the sunset, being carefree, and to explore the stars in the sky with sufficient joy. Without fear and terror, I will fly to the infinite shores and beyond the galaxies and climb up the constellation with strength and courage. May I meet my Lord with a calm heart and a relaxed soul.. In my life, I have never had security, I have never been reassured, I have never found an independent house and owned accommodation, I have never found a shelter, and I have never had security and stability... Therefore, I wanted to remove my security, certainty and stability from material objects and rely on love and affection and build a shelter in the house of my heart, and seek my security and certainty in the future above the normal dimensions of life, hang on love that during storms and whirlwinds of dangers, it remains and is stable and does not disappear even with death. I wished that an orphan would not fall asleep with tearful eyes, a painful moan in the middle of the night would not break the silence of darkness, a burning sigh of despair would not go to the sky. I wished to see the manifestation of God's qualities everywhere and in everyone, to bring beauty and glory, perfection and knowledge, creativity and love, affection and sincerity and humanity into the sphere of life. I wished to be a candle and burn from head to toe and 106

Memoirs written in Lebanon force the darkness to flee, not to allow ignorance and greed to dominate the world. I wished, what long and distant wishes, what golden wishes that I felt have all been destroyed. Now, disappointed and heartbroken, I have given up on my wishes and surrendered to fate. Poor, wretched and destitute, I have set my heart on death and I have realized that during this long and painful history, thousands and thousands like me have had high dreams and all of them have died after bitter experiences, I am not better and loftier than them and extravagant claims I should not nurture and I should not have unreasonable expectations. Now, life is so low in my opinion that for the sake of my life or the existence of the whole world, I am not ready to violate a right, or to snatch a seed from an ant, or to be afraid of death or something or someone in saying the right word. Rather, I have washed my hands and come as the forerunner of events myself and have sincerely offered my whole existence.

February 19, 1978 Today, some fathers and mothers from the southern border villages came to the school to take their kids out. Question was asked: Why? They said that the Israeli officers have warned them that everyone who has a child in Jabal Amel Institute should be taken out because Israel will bombard the school. And because of this, an indescribable fear and panic has gripped the fathers and mothers, and they came to the school in groups and are taking away their children. Will Israel bomb the school? Jabal Amel School, the base of Movement of the Downtrodden and Amal, the bubbling spring of love and sacrifice, the source of faith and true Islam and divine values, a school that has given more than ten teachers and students martyrs, a school that has been attacked by enemies and has 107

There was God and nothing else shouted Allahu Akbar, has fought under the barrage of bullets, rockets and mortars and has defended its position honorably, a school that is a Shia base in southern Lebanon, a school that is the base of Imam Musa, the secret of the Shia sect, a school that is considered an invincible fortress of Shia... With these characteristics, it is not unlikely that Israel will bombard the school and kill the innocent students. I have stayed in school and I will stay so that if there is an attack, I will be martyred with my students. Let Israel destroy our school, I have decided to bring the nightmare of terror to its knees and tame the dragon of death with the power of faith and sacrifice and with the determination of martyrdom. Let me draw a colorful page of honor in the history of Husayni Shia. Relying on love and settled in the heart's house was a kingdom of hope and wish. A rational plan that rescued my anxious and restless soul from anxiety. And for me, it creates security in the dimension of love and soul, independent of the body and housing. But alas, the Great God does not permit this security and peace, even in the aspect of love and soul, and did not want my heart to take home love. Or my heart will be the abode of my burning love, and in this way security and peace will be provided for me. To whomever I lost my heart, my love did not endure and did not calm my confused soul and did not settle my infatuated heart. I have also left behind love and peace. I gave up all personal attachments and personal pleasures. I wanted to calm my heart by fighting for justice and by spreading divine values, I wanted to make myself happy with divine love and the victory of light over darkness and the defeat of tyrants and the freedom of mankind from the chains of captivity and for the happiness and felicity of humans. I wanted to get out of the dimensions of normal human wishes and desires and spread my fortune under the shelter of King’s veil of God's court. I left my wife and my beloved children and left everything in the hands of fate to help the orphans and the sick. I accepted the mountain of sorrow and 108

Memoirs written in Lebanon the sea of pain on my heart so that I might heal the sorrows and pains of the poor. I accepted deprivation, destitution and loneliness so that my heart does not burn from deprivation and my soul does not wither from loneliness and a painful sigh in the heart of the night does not break the darkness of silence...

February 19, 1978 There was God and nothing else There was God and there was nothing else. Creation had not yet erected the dome of existence over the world, there was darkness, ignorance, nothingness, cold and terrible, and in the circle of possibilities, there was still no provision. God was a word, a word that had not yet been instilled, God was a creator, a creator whose creativity was still hidden103, God was merciful and gracious but His mercy had not yet been showered, God was beautiful, but His beauty had not yet manifested, God was just but His justice had not been revealed yet, God was able and powerful, but His power had not yet stepped into the arena of action, otherwise how can He show His perfection, glory and beauty? How can a word be born in silence? How to show creativity and power in stagnation? There was nothingness, darkness, silence and stagnation and terror... Then God's will manifested itself, He created mountains, seas, skies and galaxies, what explosions, what storms! What floods! What an uproar, when a movement that was the basis of creation, and life with passion and extraordinary excitement were rushing everywhere. Trees, animals and birds began to move. Magnificence pitched its tent on the world of existence and beauty showed its beautiful face, and perfection took over the administration of this strange system. The animals became lively and the birds sang, and existence began to sing a song of joy and the angels sang songs of worship.

Refers to the Hadithe Qudsi: “I was a hidden treasure; I loved to be known, so I created the creation in order to be known.” Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 84, p. 344. 103

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There was God and nothing else Then God created human being from aging mud104 and made him in His own image and breathed His Spirit105 into him and left this strange creation in the midst of the chaos of existence. Human being, strange and unfamiliar, was terrified by all these colors, shapes, movements and noises, and ran from every corner to another corner, and looked for a refuge where he could blend in with one of the creatures and settle in the shadow of the crowd and come out of fear of loneliness and shame of being alienated and unusual... He went to the angels and asked for friendship and companionship, they all coldly passed by him and left him alone and remained silent in response to his passionate request. This terrified and broken-hearted human being said to himself desperately: ‘Look at me, an earthen mud106 wants to become the angel of the sky!’ And then he used to say to himself with reproach: ‘O mud, how do you want to deserve the company of angels?’ And he was embarrassed and shy, ran away and hid in a corner, until he was able to control his nerves and come out of the corner of shyness and turn to another creature to find a friend... He found a bird in flight, that had opened its long wings and was slowly floating in the sky, he liked it and was fascinated by the fact that this bird was able to free itself from the shackles of the earth. So he expressed his love and asked for friendship and said: ‘Can I fly with you?’ But the bird did not answer and slowly passed by him, leaving him in doubt and distress, and he said to himself, depressed and humiliated: ‘Look at me, I am made of mud, but I want to be freed from the shackles of this earth! What an immature wish! What a useless expectation!’ He Refers to verse 26 of Surah Hajr of Holy Qur’an: Certainly We created man out of a dry clay [drawn] from an aging mud. 105 Refers to verse 29 of Surah Hajr of Holy Qur’an: ‘So when I have proportioned him and breathed into him of My spirit, then fall down in prostration before him.’ 106 Refers to verse 11 of Surah Safaat of Holy Qur’an: …Surely We created them of firm clay. 104

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Memoirs written in Lebanon then approached the animals, each of them passed by him and ignored him, he offered himself to the cloud and wanted to fly over the sky with the pieces of cloud, but the cloud did not respond and passed slowly. He approached the sea and asked for friendship, but the sea with its silence left him unanswered, he reached for the wave and said: ‘Do I deserve to slide with you on the chest of the sea. I should boil with joy and roar with anger, and slap the face of proud rocks and then go to God's eternity and engage myself in infinity?’ But the wave passed by him and didn't respond. Heartbroken and upset, the man turned away from the sea and went to the mountain and was fascinated by its greatness and asked for friendship. The mountain did not break its mighty strength and its pride and glory did not allow it to look at him. The heartbroken and disappointed human being raised his head to the sky, was happy with its endless expanse and immediately sought friendship with it. But the mysterious silence of the sky made him understand that you don't deserve my companionship. He turned to the stars, but each of them ignored him and did not answer. Human being went to the far deserts and wanted to live alone in the desert and harmonize his loneliness with the loneliness of the desert and get out of absolute loneliness, but the desert also left the disturbed and anxious human being wandering with its cold and burning silence. Human being, tired, with dead soul, withered, heartbroken, and scared and in despair, alone, plunged his head into thinking, and felt that he deserves friendship with no creature, and that he is made of mud, stinking mud, of the lowest materials and no one will love him and will not accept him as a friend... Then his patience ended, he cried, shed tears, and shouted from the bottom of his heart: ‘Who will accept this stinking mud? I don't deserve anyone's friendship, I am low, I am insignificant, I am miserable, I am a sinner, I am destitute, I am driven out from everywhere, I have no shelter, who will hold my hand, who will answer my cries? Who cares about my misery? Who will take me out of loneliness? Who will answer 111

There was God and nothing else my request?’107 Suddenly, a storm arose, the earth shook, the sky roared, lightning struck the dust of the sky like fiery whips, as if an explosion had occurred in the heart of the universe, a sound echoed in the earth and sky, which came out from every corner and from the heart of every particle and from the tongue of every creature: ‘Oh human being, you are my beloved, I have created the world because of you, and I have created you in My own image, and I have breathed into you from My spirit, and if no one responds to your call, it is because he is not equal to you and has not the courage to be equal and it does not have ability to be in company with you, even Gabriel, one of the greatest angels, is not able to be in company with you, because his wings burns and so he is left behind in the flight to ascension of Mairaj.’108 ‘O human being, you are the only one who understands beauty. Beauty, glory and perfection attracts you. You are the only one who worships God with love - not by force - you are the only one who has become God's representative in solitude, you are the only one who understands God's power and creativity, you are the only one who is proud and rebellious, and you fight stubbornly, and you are broken and humbled, and you understand the glory and might of God with the height of your nature and your own observation, you are the only one who can cross the distance between mud and God and prove that you are the best of creatures! You are the only one who ascends with the help of the wings of the soul, the only one who is intoxicated with the beauty of the sunset and you are the one who burns with

Refers to verse 62 of Surah Namal of Holy Qur’an: … Is He who answers the call of the distressed [person] when he invokes Him and removes his distress… 108 The nightly journey of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) mentioned in the Holy Qur’an’s Surah Isra verse 1: Glory be to the One Who took His servant by night from the Sacred Mosque to the Farthest Mosque whose surroundings We have blessed, so that We may show him some of Our signs. Indeed, He alone is the AllHearing, All-Seeing. 107

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Memoirs written in Lebanon joy and shed tears.’ ‘O human being, creation has reached perfection in you, and the word has embodied in you, and beauty appeared with your beautiful eyes, and love found its meaning and sense with your existence, and the divinity manifested itself in your existence.’109 ‘O Human being, you love me and I too love you, you are from me, and you will return to me.’110

Refers to ayah 30 of Surah Baqarah of Holy Qur’an: …Indeed I am going to set a viceroy on the earth… 110 Refers to ayah 156 of Surah Baqarah of Holy Qur’an: …‘Indeed we belong to Allah and to Him do we indeed return.’ 109

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February 17, 1979 O Mother, when I was about to leave Tehran airport, you came and when saying goodbye, you said, “O Mustafa, I nurtured you. I nursed you with my milk and my life and now when you are leaving, I don’t expect anything from you. I just make a will to you and that is that you do not forget the Great God. O Mother, I am returning to my beloved country after twenty-two years, and I assure you that during this long period, I did not forget God even for a moment. His love was so much mixed with the fabric of my being that even a moment of my life was not complete without His presence. I am happy, O mother not only because I am returning to the arms of the homeland after this long emigration, but also because the biggest tyrant of time has been broken111, the root of oppression and corruption has been removed, and the breeze of freedom and independence is blowing.112

February 18, 1979 Beheshte Zahra Cemetery of Tehran At the graves of the martyrs Do not suppose those who were slain in the way of Allah to be dead; no, they are living and provided for near their Lord113 what a rosy garden it is! Gifts of a heroic nation to the Great God, the flagship bearer from people, the blooming fresh flowers of history.

Refers to the tyrant US puppet Pahlavi King Reza Shah. This hand written note was scribed by Dr. Chamran addressing his mother on the first day of his return to Tehran that he didn’t give it to her. 113 Holy Qur’an, Surah Aale Imran, verse 169. 111 112

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There was God and nothing else Is it possible for a nation to become free and independent without sacrificing its best beloved ones?

February 18, 1979 I convey the warm and profound greetings of the Shiites of Lebanon to the heroic nation of Iran. The unique victory of the Muslim people of Iran in defeating the tyrants and bringing the superpowers to their knees is so stunning and heavy that it has shocked the world and disturbed the balance of power over the regimes. It has shaken the corrupt and oppressors and brought good news, blessing and mercy to the deprived and oppressed people of the world. The Shiites of Lebanon, who have been murdered under the Israeli bombings and by their internal henchmen for years, crushed under the claws of colonialism and oppression and corruption that have left them in the dark, and their dark fate can only be cured by a heavenly miracle... and this great miracle has happened today and this holy Islamic Revolution of Iran is under the leadership of the highest authority of the Shiites, Ayatollah Khomeini. Lebanese Shiites more than anyone else in the world have a heart connection and share common school of thought with the people of Iran, and their destiny is dependent on each other. If Iran is victorious, the Shiites of Lebanon will live freely and prosperously, and if, God forbid, Iran's revolution suffers harm, the Shiites of Lebanon will be submerged in the abyss of Israeli and American conspiracies and dirty international political games, and they will get nothing but wretchedness and misery. The Shiites of Lebanon after long centuries of humiliation, disgrace and captivity, after enduring sufferings and tortures, after going through periods of terror, darkness and pain... they finally received God’s mercy and blessing and a wise, compassionate and capable leadership was granted to them that was Seyyid Musa Sadr, who was able to organize and unite the Shiites of Lebanon in a short period of time, was able 118

Memoirs written in I.R. Iran to secure an identity for them, to give them honor, pride, and respect, to cut off the hands and feet of cancer of corruption, oppression and disbelief and rescue the Shiites. With perfect courage he stood to confront left and right and fight with all the tyrants and present a bloody and honorable Hosseini battle to the Shiites, and let the deep concept of martyrdom flow in the veins of the Shiites and start an Islamic and Hosseini crusade. The enemies of Shia and Islam could not tolerate the existence of such a leader... Therefore, this great personality was abducted and arrested, and six months have passed since his destiny has been drowned in the darkness of hatred and the darkness of conspiracy, and the Shiites of Lebanon have become orphans. They have lost their souls. They are heartbroken, sad, simmering with anger, roaring with pain, but for the sake of their leader, they have curbed their fiery emotions and are waiting. They burn and relieve themselves with heart-burning tears... These Shiites are heartbroken and oppressed… they look with hopeful eyes towards their Iranian Muslim brothers. The representatives of the Shiites of Lebanon have stepped into the Kaaba of their hope with a passionate heart and hopeful spirit to feel the flames of this holy volcano of the Islamic revolution with their skin and flesh and breathe in the proud air of this glory and the grandeur of the Islamic government. And seek courage from the blessed souls of the holy martyrs of this land and bring to their people, the Shiites of Lebanon, a lot of pure faith, sincere sacrifice and passionate love of the people of this land. The fate of us, the Shiites of Lebanon is dependent on the fate of you, dear people of Iran. We can live freely and be respected, only when you will be free, strong and victorious. Your final victory is our heart’s biggest and most passionate wish. We sincerely and lovingly place all our facilities and even our existence at the disposal of the Islamic Revolution of Iran and wish to fulfill our historical and religious duty in this holy 119

There was God and nothing else jihad to the extent of our strength and ability. We ask the Great God to extend His endless blessings and mercy to us as much as possible and to grant us all the success to carry this great and holy mission of God that has been entrusted to us to its destination.114

March, 1979 A nation that has brought down the biggest tyrants and defeated the biggest armies is also able to overcome secondary problems. Existence of problems is necessary for the perfection of a movement. It leads to progress and makes it stronger. God's system is based on the fact that the fight between right and wrong is everlasting and perfection is achieved through the struggle. People become mature and are tested during difficulties and problems. Comfort, easy life and success always creates prosperity and laziness and backwardness. Richness, needlessness and constant victory creates corruption and rebellion. Indeed man becomes rebellious when he considers himself without need...115 If a person always sleeps on a silk bed and always embraces happiness and is always victorious in all struggles, then pleasures of his victory and happiness will disappear and the person will stop evolving to perfection.

This handwritten note was written as a message on the behalf of 92 Lebanese entourage that under the leadership of Dr. Chamran, came to the Islamic Republic of Iran to pay visit to Imam Khomeini and to offer their congratulations to the Iranian nation. This entourage included late Sheikh Mahdi Shamsuddin (then head of the Supreme Council of Shias of Lebanon), Seyyid Husayn Husayni (ex-speaker of the Lebanese Parliament) and Nabih Berri (current speaker of the Lebanese Parliament) and many comrades of Dr. Chamran including Mustafa Dirani (exhead of the Security of Amal Movement) who was kidnapped from his home at night by Zionist helicopters in 1994. He was later released in 2004 through prisoner swap. 115 Holy Qur’an, Surah ‘Alaq, verses :6-7 114

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June, 1979 America’s plan and anarchy, lack of stability and killing and destruction, civil wars and demoralizing common masses, creating dissatisfaction, strong reaction against parties and inappropriate actions, failure of the Islamic system and the collapse of the fortress of hope, preparation of the environment for a military coup and the establishment of a military government by a young anti-shah officer but a servant of America... You say to dissolve the military and create a popular military. Isn't the establishment of the Revolutionary Guards, which is a people's army, one of the first plans? Before you say, the government is already trying to reform the army and mobilize it for guarding the borders and specialized tasks, and in addition, has created a people's army called the Revolutionary Guards. These committees have done and are currently doing the same things until the Revolutionary Guards dominate everywhere. So what is the reason for dispute? What is the excuse for the turmoil and disturbance? Do we want to rely on the existing army system? Have we forgotten the memory of 19th August?116 But it is not an easy task to establish the National Army or the Revolutionary Guards and even the existing committees. It takes time, requires organization, requires moral education and competence. If you think that these existing political parties and organizations will take control and call themselves the Revolutionary Guards, we will revive the bitter remembrance of Lebanon in our memories, when the parties took up arms, the army, the police, and the rule of law were all destroyed, and there were robberies and murders and assaults every night and

August 19, 1953, Iranian coup d'état, was the U.S. and UK-supported, Iranian army-led overthrow of the democratically elected Prime Minister Mohammad Mosaddegh for bringing back the rule of Mohammad Reza Shah Pahlavi. It was code named Operation Ajax and orchestrated by CIA and MI6. 116

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There was God and nothing else every kind of inappropriate actions took place... If they have chosen the model of Lebanon to follow, it is very inappropriate and disturbing because after two years of armed control of the parties, all the people have abandoned them and sometimes even prefer the foreign enemy of Israel over these parties. Do you want to recommend this disgraceful failed model for Iran’s holy and pure Islamic revolution? What an unforgivable mistake and what a great crime! Aren't there twenty Savaki officers today? Why do these exist? Rather, there are hundreds. America is not willing to pay twenty million dollars. Yes, it is willing to pay twenty million dollars to launch a coup. Is there no gasoline fuel for it? Why not? There are so many groups that shout Marxist slogans, but America is their instigator. So why don't they stage a coup? The answer is that there is no basis for a coup because the people do not accept it, the people have risen and stood firm and the people have a united stand, and the existence of the great Khomeini. With the presence of this manifestation of faith, purity, sincerity, light and guidance, there is no place for the coup plotters. How ridiculous is it that those who, under the pretext of sympathy for the Islamic revolution and fear of a military coup, attack the unity of Iranian nation and disobey the order of the leader of the revolution and, in practice, in accordance with the plan of the United States, like the 19th of August, create a popular ground for a coup. They also consider themselves revolutionaries, but the truth is that they are suffering harm from the victory of the Islamic Revolution and consider the victory of Islam to be their greatest failure, and they do not want the establishment of an Islamic military in any way, and therefore they hide themselves under different names and chant beautiful and revolutionary slogans to strike the most powerful blows to this holy Islamic revolution. The Muslim nation of Iran should know that the Marxists are anti-Islam and the victory of an Islamic system means the final defeat of Marxism. If a Marxist comes and defends Khomeini and the Islamic revolution, he is either lying or he doesn't know. Because Marxism and Islam are two 122

Memoirs written in I.R. Iran opposite ideologies. I ask you, what was the main reason for the victory of the revolution? The response is the unity of the people and the unity of they say. And I ask you who are attacking this integrity and unity of the word of people today? The nation knows that anyone who undermines the integrity and unity of the Iranian nation has betrayed the Iranian revolution. Anyone who disobeys the orders of Imam Khomeini, the incomparable leader of the Iranian revolution, has betrayed this revolution. Read the incidence in detail from this collection. He is not a revolutionary who carries a gun and wears the clothes of a devotee and starts a war when there is peace and separates himself from the gathering of the nation with harsh slogans of criticism and imposes his opinions with slogans, propaganda and by force on others. A revolutionary is one who does not pretend to be a revolutionary during peace, but fights the enemy in front of the ranks of the nation when there is danger. A revolutionary is not someone who takes away the rights of others with injustice and cleverness and forces people who because they need to hear and listen his words, forces them to listen to his words for hours while he stops those from speaking whose words the nation wants to hear. A revolutionary is not one who is overcome by pride and selfishness and does not listen to anyone's words. A revolutionary is one who humbly and modestly accepts every right word. A revolutionary is not the one who wants to impose his revolutionism on others with extremist slogans. Revolutionary is the one who does not need anyone's approval.

June, 1979 Against a history of infamy and accusation, a world of 123

There was God and nothing else cruelty and oppression, a sky of sadness and sorrow, a world of misery and wretchedness, against a storm of darkness, disbelief, oppression and ignorance, in the midst of a vortex of troubles and problems, the Shiites of Husayn took up the weapon of martyrdom. They struck and rose up against the whole world that was arrayed against them with the power of faith and sacrifice, and when the rain of slander and defamation fell from the sky, and the waves of calamity and misery boiled from the earth, and the dragon of defeat opened its mouth to swallow these dark days. But the Shiites of Husayn (as) decided to prefer an honorable death to a shameful life and decided to carry the Muhammadan message on their shoulders like Ali (as) and like Husayn (as) welcome martyrdom with their blood and to wipe out the stain of shame and humiliation from the face of Shia. The banner of the mission of Prophet was raised, the word of truth rose to the sky like a loud roar from the burning chest of the Shiites and trembled the pillars of the fortress of oppression...

July 23, 1979 Message of Dr. Chamran to Iranian Nation117 In the name of Allah, the beneficent, the merciful The honorable and heroic nation of Iran In the name of all the martyrs of bloody shroud of Paveh, in the name of the wounded and in the name of all the warriors who gave their life, I sincerely thank you, dear compatriots, for all these pure feelings, all this magnanimity and all this sense of responsibility. I never thought that I would be alive and my cry of exhortation will reach you with this heartfelt thanks to you. In the midst of the barrage of bullets, in the midst of the whirlwind of enemies, I did not have even a moment's hope of surviving, but I firmly decided to accept martyrdom with pride. To show This message was sent after the defeat of anti-revolutionary sedition and battle in Paveh, Kurdistan and the victory of Iranian nation. 117

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Memoirs written in I.R. Iran the world how the soldiers of Islam in the scene of death and life do sacrifice and how they face death. I was running from one terrible battle to another painful scene and with absolute trust in God and accepting what He has decreed for us, I tried to concentrate the forces that believed in the revolution, to prevent them from hopelessness and to give hope to my despairing and heartbroken friends. I will tell them the holy mission of Islam and announce them of the definite decision to bravely welcome martyrdom. The most difficult moments of my life were the moments when my best friend who was standing next to me suddenly fell to the ground in front of me, lifeless and in pieces as if he had never lived and the most painful moment was when my Kurdish friends and bodyguards screamed madly. They were throwing themselves in all directions, and while I was boiling and roaring in my heart, I had to order them to collect the dead and slap even my closest friends and make them use force and power. And the most painful moments of my life were when all the openings of hope were closed, and some of the guards demanded to return, and the Kurds who believed in the revolution looked at me with a painful and touching look, saying how you want to leave us in the sea of death and destruction and go. Then I was telling them with a firm voice: “No, my friends, I have made a firm decision to become a martyr with you. I will not return and I will not leave you alone, just be sure that martyrdom in the way of God is honorable and enjoyable.” But a miracle happened, so shocking and overwhelming that no one could have imagined it, just like a few months ago, such a strange miracle took place and made the proud revolution of Iran victorious. Imam’s order was issued. It trembled mountains, valleys, plains… The self-sacrificing pasdars118 shouted the cry of Allahu Akbar and the earth and the sky responded to them. What a miracle! which is possible only possible by the men of God and that's it. 118

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There was God and nothing else May God extend the life of this great leader of the Islamic Revolution of Iran. The enemy's forces began to flee from all sides and the momineens (believers) gained so much strength and power from the revolution that they started to advance. They conquered the hills above the Gendarmerie that were in the hands of the enemy with a courageous attack with only one martyr and captured the vast area. And they cleared the dangerous road of Nowsud119 with a strong force and gave only one martyr, and they captured the famous hospital without any casualties and found such spirit and strength that they could destroy any strong-clawed enemy. And then the auxiliary forces arrived with indescribable enthusiasm. The helicopters landed smoothly and brought new troops and transported the martyrs and the wounded. It is true that the previous night, which was the night of martyrdom, the night of despair, the night of failure and fall, was changed so much by the order of the Imam that the next night became the night of peace, the night of hope and the night of victory. Who could have shaped such a miracle to create such a transformation and movement from a terrible night and a dark spot, that originated a movement and an initiative and progress towards the true Islamic revolution. During these few days of calamity, I can boldly say that I did not shed a single drop of tears, and even though in the face of the most difficult disasters, I was crying inside myself, I kept my strength on the outside and endured all the pains, sufferings, and discomforts. I was locked in my unconscious mind until the moment I came across the picture of the Imam in the governor's office, I suddenly burst into tears, and all the complexes, pressures, and discomforts were relieved, and I felt that only a great spiritual power in a great man of history is capable of such

Nowsud is a city in, and the capital of, Nowsud District of Paveh County, Kermanshah province, Iran. 119

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Memoirs written in I.R. Iran a miracle and I hope that our nation will also appreciate its great revolutionary leader and destroy all the conspiracies of the enemies of Islam and Iran under his leadership. I am confident that our nation, too, with such a spirit of faith and sacrifice, and such an awareness and sense of responsibility, is able to solve all problems and proudly carryout the great and holy mission that the Great God has placed upon it and take it to its destination.120 Dr. Mustafa Chamran

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Please refer to book ‘Kurdistan’ by Martyr Dr. Chamran.

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Index Ashhab family, 80 Ashrafieh, 23, 24 axis of As’ad A’sad, 80 Ayatollah Ghaffari, 94 Ayatollah Khomeini, 92, 94, 95, 96, 118 Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, 93 Ayatollah Sayyid Mahmoud Taleghani, 94

1 15th Khordad uprising, 94 15th of Khordad, 91 A Abdul Karim Saeed, 83 Abdul Majid Saleh, 91, 95 Abu Ammar, 52 Abu Dharr Ghaffari, 75, 95 Abu Hamadeh, 64 Abu Jihad, 52 Abu Mohammad, 63, 84 Ahmad Ebrahim, 53 Ahmed Muhammad Ali Sweidan, 69 Ahrar, 22, 92 Ain al-Ramanah, 41, 42, 44 alamanah, 86 Ali (as), 1, 6, 7, 47, 54, 55, 75, 77, 97, 98, 103, 124 almanah, 77 Amal, 25, 56, 64, 65, 72, 75, 80, 81, 83, 89, 96, 101, 107, 120 Amal fighters, 81, 83 Amal wa Rasalah, 92 Amal's martyrs, 84 America, 3, 4, 6, 31, 54, 121, 122 Anis Sweidan, 91, 93 Ansar City, 72 Armenians, 21, 22, 23, 24, 83 As’ad As’ad Street, 42

B Baalbek, 52, 65, 80 Beheshte Zahra Cemetery, 94, 117 Bell Company Laboratories, 4 Berkeley, 4, 12 Bint Jbeil, 69, 70, 75, 81, 88 Bir El Abed, 53 Borj Rahal, 73 Bourj Hammoud, 21, 24 C Caesar, 97 Cinema Plaza, 26 coup d’état of August 19, 3 D Dahiyeh, 53 Damour, 45, 46 Day of Resurrection, 103 Dehalavieh, 6 Dieu hospital, 22

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Doshka, 41 doshkas, 53 Dr. Ali Shariati, 74, 95, 96, 97

I Ibrahim Haydus, 69 Imam Khomeini, 5, 6, 60, 91, 93, 120, 123 Imam Musa, 4, 5, 21, 24, 48, 52, 54, 81, 82, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 91, 108 Imam Musa Sadr, 4, 5, 21, 24, 48, 52, 54, 85, 88, 91 Iranian oil industry, 3 Irregular Wars Headquarters, 6 Islamic Revolution of Iran, 3, 118, 119, 126 Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, 5

E Egypt, 3, 4, 39 Eid al-Fitr, 88 El Hoqbane area, 69 enemy checkpoints, 67 F Fatah, 26, 52, 70, 71, 72, 73, 81, 84 French doctors, 63, 82 G

J

George Hawis, 77 Guardians of the Cedars, 22

Jaba, 81 Jabal Amel, 53, 56, 95, 96, 101, 107 Jabal Amel Industrial Institute, 56, 101 Jabal Amel Polytechnic School, 53 Jabhah al-Sha’biyyah, 69 Jabhat al-Democratia, 71 Jabhat al-Rafz, 71, 72 Jaish Barakat, 23 Jamal, 4, 36, 37 Jamal Abdel Nasser, 4 Jesus Christ, 33 Jordan, 30 Jumblatt, 70, 77, 83, 86, 87 Jumblatts, 77

H Hadithe Qudsi, 59, 109 Haft Khawan Rostam, 25, 68 Hai Ghazal, 80 Hai Lilaki, 80 Hai Salam, 80 Harakat al-Mahrumeen, 21, 25, 52 Hilaliyah, 81 Holy Qur’an, 13, 110, 112, 113, 117, 120 Husayn (as), 1, 6, 7, 47, 55, 95, 124 Husayn Qashgash, 84 Hussainiyeh, 64, 73, 74, 75, 78, 85, 91, 92, 96

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Musa Karim, 69 Mustafa Khomeini, 90, 91, 92, 95, 96, 97

K Kaaba, 60, 119 Kafr Shima, 80 Karbala, 95 Kasra, 97 Kataeb checkpoint, 22 Khasan, 16 Khuzestan, 6 Kurdistan, 5, 124, 127

N Naba’a, 24, 25, 52, 53, 61, 62, 63, 74, 80, 81, 82, 83, 85 Nabatieh, 69, 70, 72 Nahj al-Balagha, 78 Najaf Ashraf, 95 Nariman, 36 night of destiny, 59, 60, 61 North Tower, 88

L Lebanese Civil War, 21, 23, 41, 80 Lebanon Arab Army, 72

P

M

Palestinian resistance, 48, 50, 52, 79, 80, 87, 91, 101 Paveh, 5, 6, 124, 126 Plaza axis, 84 Professor Anis, 93, 95 Professor Farid al-Ghul, 93 Professor Hasan Hosseini, 73 Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), 77, 112

Madkhal al-Sharqiya, 23 Mahdi Chamran, 8 Mairaj, 112 Majdal Zoun, 70 Majid Qaisari, 7 Major Abu Zeid, 84 malakuti, 6, 7, 72 Marjeyoun District, 72 Maronite Christian, 83 Marxism, 122 Mohammad Faqih, 84 Moukhtara, 70 Mount Verdi, 81 Movement for Downtrodden, 73 Movement of the Deprived, 1, 63, 67, 80, 81, 82, 84, 91, 92, 105 Muawiya, 75, 97 Murder based on Identity Card, 86

Q Quds, 91, 103 R Ramadan, 11, 59 Ramzi, 83 Rashid Karami, 80 Revolutionary Committee, 70 Revolutionary Guards, 121

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Sultan Husayn Safavi, 47 Susangerd, 6 Syria, 39, 71, 72, 73, 87, 92

S Saiqa, 46, 71, 73 Seyyid Ahmad Khomeini, 90 Seyyid Musa Sadr, 85, 92, 118 Sharah Khalil, 42 Sharif, 63 Sheikh Farhat mosque, 63 Sheikh Mohammad Yaqoub, 91 Sheikh Muhammad Yaqub, 96 Sheikh Salman, 92, 97 Sheikh Sobhi, 73, 74 Shiites of Lebanon, 4, 96, 97, 118, 119 Shiyah, 29, 42, 46, 53, 64, 65, 80, 91, 92 Sidon, 5, 81 southern Lebanon, 69, 72, 81, 101, 108 Srifa, 21

T Tal Rab El Thalathine, 72 Tal Zaatar, 23, 80 Taybeh, 72, 75, 81 Tayouneh, 80 Texas A & M University, 4 Turkey, 94 Tyre, 5, 21, 29, 38, 70, 71, 73, 88 U University of California, 4, 12 Uthman, 75 Y Yasser Arafat, 26, 52, 73, 83 Yater, 69, 70

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Love is the aim of my life and the motivation of my life. And I have not seen anything more beautiful than love and I have not asked for anything more than love. It is love that creates ripples in my spirit and makes my heart boil. It brings out my hidden talents and drives me away from selfishness and egoism. I feel another world and disappear in the world of existence. I find a tender feeling, a sensitive heart and a beautiful sight. The gentle shaking of a leaf, light of a distant star, a tiny ant, gentle breeze of dawn, sea wave, sunset; all these steal my feelings and soul and take me away from this world to another world... these are all manifestations of love. It is because of love that I make sacrifices, it is because of love that I look at the world with indifference and find other dimensions. It is because of love that I see the world as beautiful and I worship beauty. It is because of love that I feel God and I worship Him and I offer my life and existence to Him.