The Return of the Well Cultured Anonymous Second Edition [2 ed.]

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The Return of the Well Cultured Anonymous Second Edition [2 ed.]

Table of contents :
Cleaning Yourself Up

Because it's what you need to do to even step foot in society.

Formal Wear

Getting Cultured

The reason this book exists.

General *ure
The Big Book Of Anonymous Recipes
Alcoholic Anonymous
Music Recommendations
Movie Recommendations
Avoid Like the Fucking Plague

Work and Play

Because that's most of your time.

Friends and Coworkers
Getting Your Own Place
Owning a Car

Sex and Relationships

Because in the end, that's what you want

Relationship Advice

Citation preview

The Return of the Well Cultured Anonymous is an updated book, based on the original Well Cultured Anonymous, which was painstakingly built by fellow Anonymous on Wikichan. It attempts to show others (primarily other Anonymous) how to be sophisticated, talented, and polite in today's modern world. Some parts need to be updated, important topics need to be added, and a few pages need to be customized for a girl's point of view. If you can help with this, just go ahead when you feel like it. We added "The Return" to this book's title, since it was entirely lost in it's original form after Wikichan fell apart. Some parts still live on in Well-Cultured, a website based on the book, made by the last Wikichan admin in a attempt to make a serious men's help magazine. Because of the unfortunate fate of such an informative guide, we have restored the original and reopened it to editing.

Intro You have seen them everywhere – self help topics of Anonymous begging for help with his life. Some people have no idea how they should dress other than wearing a Pantera t-shirt with jeans that their mother bought for them five years ago. Some have no idea how to approach women and spend their time masturbating to Loli. And some just want to know if they should shave their pubes. Here, my friends, is your answer. Written by anon, edited by anon, and perfected by anon. Every single tip, trick, and Barrel Roll you will ever need to know without having to ask for help. The first chapters of this Wikibook will intend to enlighten and refresh your memory on the basicshow to look decent, how to keep in shape, and that kind of thing. Then, it will segue into other people- how to pick up women, how to handle other people, and how to have a dinner party where you don't throw food. Then, the miscellaneous things- College, protips and tricks, and basically anything else you could ever want to know. Read away. Edit away. Learn, Anonymous.

About/Around the Book

Because it is a community work to begin with.

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Authors of the Well-Cultured Anonymous - The people who made the original guide on Wikichan. Authors of the Return of the Well-Cultured Anonymous - The people who resurrected it from deletion and updated it for inclusion in the Bibliotheca Anonoma. Similar Books and References

Disclaimer The information in these chapters is not to be taken literally or be used in any way to commit any illegal acts. This information is for learning purposes only, and does not (directly or indirectly) support the topics discussed thereof. You take all responsibility for how you use any of these chapters, no matter what.

Cleaning Yourself Up Because it's what you need to do to even step foot in society.

Showering Showers are absolutely fucking essential. Showers are basically your way of keeping yourself fresh and new without having to do much other than rub yourself over. Stuff you need: Soap (either bar or liquid), Shower, Towel - srsly, that's everything that's absolutely necessary, don't believe it? -then read on... Stuff you may want: Shampoo, Conditioner, (facial) Cleanser, Sponge/Flannel/Back-Brush/BathMitt, TODO - anything else you can think of...   

Turn on shower, get in. Rinse - briefly rub all over before using the soap, get hair thoroughly soaked - this gets quite a bit of the dirt off (most of it if you're covered with mud or NOT MUD or something). Wash - this should also be obvious, but start from the top and work your way down - this is so that you avoid rinsing washed-off dirt onto the parts you've already cleaned. o Start with head/hair (PROTIP: YOU DON'T NEED SHAMPOO/CONDITIONER, soap will clean it fine, although you may prefer something else - go with what seems to work best for the money you want to spend; still, conditioner is for metro-fags), rub the soap (or whatever) in for a couple minutes then rinse - repeat until it feels clean. o Now the face, again, SOAP IS FINE, you can also use a flannel or scrape (scrape, not scratch) any of the greasier parts with a fingernail. Like the hair, soap/rub/rinse until clean. o Now continue working downwards; arms, armpits, chest/breasts, back, penis (Also that includes retracting the foreskin for cleaning if you're a Eurofag or not a Jew/Durkatard/AmeriKKKan), balls, labia (try not to get any soap in your vagina, but be sure to wash between your labia and underneath your clit hood), ass cheeks, anus (it's a good idea to poop before a shower), legs, feet (including between toes).

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I would recommend against using soap on your glans penis [or] if you are uncircumcised, since this can mess up the natural balance of microorganisms and cause balanitis, or just be generally irritating, speaking from experience. o For washing the body, some abrasiveness may be useful - this can be "grainy" soap or the sponge/flannel/mitt mentioned above. Rinse (again) - ensure all soap etc. is washed away. Dry - Thoroughly, with a towel (or 2, unless you don't mind using the same one for your face and ass). Again, start with hair and work down to feet, pay particular attention to areas where skin rubs against skin (ass crack, armpits etc.)

Remember, remove everything you put on yourself that day/yesterday, meaning if you walk in smelling like perfume, cologne or booze, you need to come out smelling like soap.

Of course, use deodorant or antiperspirant. Unless you're one of the lucky ones whose BO isn't bad (get someone else to confirm this), pick one and use it. Go with sticks or roll-ons because spray wears off faster and covering yourself in it is worse then smelling like BO. Ax, Lynx or Tag will not get girls to jump you in the street, it's just marketing you dumb fucks, if you like the smell then use it in MODERATION!

Shaving And then, the second most obvious task for you to do: Shave, unless you can grow nice facial hair that looks good on you. Horrible facial hair ruins a great face; great facial hair improves a horrible face. This doesn't mean for you to go out and grow a goatee - clean shaven men are usually preferred. The only exception to this is a "close but rough" shave, which some women find hot. That's just a five-o-clock shadow, so that comes with time, just shave it away in the mornings and let it come back in the evenings. 

No matter how you choose to shave, there are a couple of things you should remember for optimal grooming. 

Hydration: keep your face hydrated, whether it's just constantly running warm/hot water over it or using shaving cream/foam/soap. This makes it easier for the blade to do its work without cutting your face to shit and rendering the whole exercise a fucking disaster. Change your blades/razor about once a week, assuming you shave daily. Whether you're a cheap-ass and buy those disposable things, go metro-fag and get that expensive shit, or somewhere in the middle, making sure you're not using a dull blade will make sure everything goes smoother, again reducing the chance you come out with a face like a Bosnian's wrist. Do not go against the grain, you're setting yourself up for a lovely cutting board look. Always go with the grain on the first (few) passes, or until it doesn't cut anything anymore in that direction, that will ensure a nice shave already, at this point, you may try going against the grain, but again, don't go directly at it, rotate the shave, if you will,

If by some ungodly coincidence that you actually attract a female, and she prefers you cleanshaven, you may want to invest in a straight razor. 

that will enable for a much closer shave, while the previous actions should prevent most razor burns at this point. (unverified at this point for straight razors) Also, give electric shavers a try. Even if they are not fully effective on your skin, going over with an electric shaver first and then shaving normally with a razor can be easier on your skin (avoiding disasters on your face), easier to shave with and make your razor last longer. You don't have to get those $100 dollar ones. Getting a small $25 "beard grooming kit" (buzzers of various sizes & a small foil shaver) can minimize the amount of shaving you have to do with a razor. You can also use it to shave off other bits of hair on your body (pubic hair (NOT YOUR GENITALS!!), ass crack) and completely avoid razor burns, infections, nasty sweat accumulations and what not.

There are many good reasons for this, chief among them is that you can re-sharpen the blade, saving money on disposable razors. Other non-health related pros of the straight razor are the extremely close shave, the need to only make two passes with the razor to remove the hair and dead skin, and the simple aesthetics of using and handling a straight razor. Health-related pros revolve mainly around the way disposables work. Your ordinary Mach 3 will lift the hair and cut it, sometimes multiple times if you make several passes. Now multiply the number of passes by three. The skin then grows over/heals over the hair follicle. Yeah, see what we're getting at? And you wonder why you get razor burn and ingrown hairs from hell. Use a straight razor and you won't have these problems. But, if you aren't careful with a straight razor, your face will end up looking like Wolverine or Freddy Kruger mistook you for a sharpening stone.

Otherwise, if you're too lazy to do it yourself, go to an old-school barbershop. The one with the combs and everything in the blue astringent, the barber pole out front, and old men playing checkers in the corner. These mothers know how to shave a guy fast, and right. And you get hot towels, hot lather, aftershave, the whole works. It takes about five or ten minutes, and is quite relaxing. Try it once if you don't believe.

Waiting to be incorporated:

Brushing Then comes the obligatory that your mother always taught you- brush and floss your teeth. Brushing your teeth, as well as occasionally flossing, is essential if you want to be trading saliva with anyone any time soon. Make sure you have brushed your teeth before you leave your house in the morning and certainly after breakfast. Check your tongue for accumulated gunk (you should perhaps do this every time you go to a bathroom with a mirror), you can either brush it as well or scrape it all off with a thumbnail (sniff your thumbnail afterwards, did you really want to keep that in your mouth?, now wash your hands). If you're in a situation where you're going to be talking to people, and you think your breath might smell, chew some gum. You might find it helpful to always keep gum with you in case you might need it.

One tool that gets overlooked too often are the flossing tools. The Oral-B 'Hummingbird' and floss wands are both quite good for reaching those hard-to-reach back teeth, and can be done sitting in front of the TV or computer without the need for a mirror. Gum massagers, whitening strips, and other such truck can generally be done away with so long as you brush at least twice daily and floss at least once daily, though the Anonymous without a good foundation in oral hygiene may find whitening strips quite useful. Mouthwash is crucial to cleaning up your foul halitosis. DO NOT use mouthwash with alcohol in it such as Listerine or Scope. Alcohol dries out your mouth which makes it easy for bacteria to stink it up again. Alcohol based mouthwashes will mask foul smelling breath for only a short time, and in the long run they will make halitosis worse. If you want a good mouthwash try something like Breath RX. Don't worry about the taste, you'll get used to it sooner or later. And honestly, it does make your breath smell ten times better, so do us ALL a favor and use it. Don't forget to get a tongue scraper. After you brush, scrape your tongue and then rinse it all out with a good mouthwash. When scraping try to get the implement as far back in your mouth as possible then pull it forward. Most of the stuff that causes halitosis is rotting food stuck on the back of your tongue. The last thing is also important: brush or comb your hair. Brushing your hair is necessary, no matter if you have short or long hair. For those of you with long hair, it gives it a sleeker and much more organized look- and for those of you with short, it keeps it from looking TOO messy. Then, if you feel the need, you can add gel or any other hair product to it. Just don't go overboard- if you look like you spent as much time as your date fixing your hair, there is a problem. Alternatively, if you go around looking like you just got out of the shower from all the gel in your hair, don't bother. You're not fooling anyone, and they're all secretly laughing at you behind your back. Remember, a little goes a long way.

Handling Acne Acne cures are like hangover cures. Everyone has them, and generally they're all shit. However, here are some basic tips to turning your face from pepperoni pizza into a cheese pizza. Or chocolate-strawberry pizza into just chocolate pizza if you're a nigra. If you have really bad acne, you could probably benefit from seeing a dermatologist. Ask your Primary doctor, as they can prescribe various creams for various severities. If it's only mild, you can treat it yourself by using the right facial cleanser and acne cream. Acne occurs when pores become plugged with dead skin cells and then become infected by bacteria. When you are buying facial cleanser, look for something that has salicylic acid listed as the active ingredient. Salicylic acid is an exfoliating agent--interestingly, it's found in aspirin, which you can make an exfoliate paste out of in a pinch. It helps keep your pores from getting clogged. Next, buy some acne cream that has benzoyl peroxide listed as the active ingredient. Benzoyl peroxide kills the bacteria that infect your pores. Wash your face and apply the cream two or three times per day. You should probably start out only applying it once per day, to make sure your skin doesn't have any adverse reactions to it. If your skin gets too dry because of the cream, you can apply

moisturizer. Just be sure the moisturizer doesn't clog your pores/grease up your face, or you're back to square one. Otherwise, to prevent acne, try using a mild facial soap like Dial, or anything else that is antibacterial. Wash your face twice a day, once when you wake up, and once before you go to bed. Your face is naturally oily, don't flip out because you're a little greasy, but if you can see through your pillowcase, you need to wash more. If you see a breakout happening, put a drop of Clearasil or some other acne medicine on the spot and rub it in a bit. It should go away in a bit. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, after all. It is important NOT to go overboard on the Sea Breeze and facial scrubs. Ever continually bullied a kid? Doubtful, but if you ever had, you'd know that eventually they're going to come to school with a gun and fuck you up Columbine style. Same with your face. Don't abuse your skin trying to prevent acne, you're only going to make things worse. SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE: Recently, Jewish immigrants from the Middle East have gotten into the habit of opening little kiosks at your local mall/farmer's market/Whatever The Fuck You to sell facial cleansers made from salt from the Red Sea. It. Is. A Goddamn. Fucking. Rip-off. This is just one Anon's experience, but when (Not if, when. They WILL try to sell you something if you frequent the place) they try to push the shit on you, they may make reference to the fact that they're Jews from Israel and will take anything for payment. Glasses, video games, whatever. Have a few lulz on that and then tell them to piss off. Don't come crying to me if they get pissed and wreck your shit though.

The Less Frequent Things Cut Everything

Stop being a fucking troll- cut your fingernails and toenails, clean your ears, cut your nostril hairs, get rid of any "mole hair" (dark hair coming out of moles), make sure your eyebrows are decent and not bushy, and cut off any hangnails (cuticle that comes loose) before it becomes painful. In addition, try trimming back some of the huge bush you got, less hair = bigger looking dick and less shit to scare a chick away with. Less hair, more head. Skin Care

As girly as it may sound, healthy skin can be a good thing. I'm not talking about going to the spa every week and getting manicures frequently, but maybe an exfoliating rinse every now and then couldn't hurt. It'll also help reduce acne. Also, get that callous removed from your hand and maybe see a dermatologist about any warts or large moles (some might be cancerous and could be removed). Athlete's foot is fucking disgusting and is quite uncomfortable, so buy some Tinactin to prevent that. Skin blemishes are not exactly the most attractive thing and should be given some occasional attention at least. You don't have to be a skin freak, but don't be a troll. Most of the commercial products can be found in your local drug store. Ask an employee where to find anything you can't find.

The Shaving Thing - Guys

Repartition of hair on female and male individual This is one of those topics that is up for debate virtually all the time. You, being a male, are probably prone to growing body hair. Some girls like it, some girls don't. It's all up to you to decide what you do and determine if you want to look like a bear or not. 

 

Basically, think of it this way- leg hair and arm hair are not problems. Believe it or not, many girls really don't care if you have gorilla-like leg hair- though if you have a nice body definition; it's good to shave it off. You may be ridiculed for this, so do be careful. Your chest is another one of those "choose your own adventure" kind of deals- if you don't have shag-rug quality hair, there is very little reason for you to shave it. However, if you happen to have small light hairs that look stupid, shaving it might be a good idea anyway. Back Hair is unsightly and can be unpleasant so no one will blame you if you remove it altogether. Pubes need to be trimmed. Always. Yes, it may be a little strange or arcane for you to do so, but getting rid of those things is the ticket into a woman's mouth and every other hole in between. This doesn't mean you should Nair the whole thing (though that does good if you like the bald look), it just means you need to keep it either trimmed or gone. And not like a mother fucking jungle. Hey, it's actually good for you- no unsightly pubes on the bathroom floor anymore, which is fucking disgusting.


And for heaven's sake, shave your ass. No one wants to see that. But be careful while shaving your ass. Listen to the wisdom of this age-old copypasta: 

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ss-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and

the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring dramather torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! This copypasta is a wonderful example of the perils of ass hair shaving, but know that it is acceptable to trim or even shave the hair between your ass and balls if it gets itchy or retains coudrious amounts of filth. Trimming your ass hair is fine, as long as it's not too much of a close trimming, or it'll have the same effect as shaving, but will wear off faster. Trimming it to 1-a few millimeters should prevent getting your shit stuck in it and the itchy, smelly, sweaty stuff you've just read about. The Shaving Thing - Girls

As was said on the former version: it is up to you to choose whether or not to shave this or that. Apparently, the unshaved look is pretty appreciated, I personally agree with this but I am only one out of 6 billion; no one will require you to have baby skin, but most like to have hair kept to a minimum, simple question of smell and tastes. Also be aware, in case you are doing this with a few making out prospects in mind, that the less hair there is, the more likely licking will be done. I personally love armpits, and long hair there would kind of turn me down from licking them, same for your crotch. It's probably because we're all porn addicts, and because we like to see the goods, not the bush hiding them. It also seems that an electric trimmer can be highly pleasurable on women, I remember a story about a guy using it to trim the hair and make the girls wet, so that he could "feast" on their juices.

Same as for guys, it's also a matter of hygiene. The more hair you have, the harder it is to wash, and the more likely it'll be to hold sweat and bacteria. Trimming closely is fine, shaving is extra, depilating must be a pain. A woman's point of view is required here. Also, in view of the drawing just a bit up on this page, you may consider the hassle people ask of guys, which is, shaving the beard, maybe the pubes, etc. in comparison to what you are asked, which is pubes and legs, mostly. So, as I like to say, if you don't do anything for your hair, don't expect us to do anything regarding ours.

The Tanning Thing Getting a tan, while usually frowned upon by most men, is basically your ticket from looking like a pudgy sack of shit to looking like a tasty sack of shit. Be honest with yourself- girls with tans, especially nude girls with tans, look really fucking good. Thus, by inference, you will probably look pretty good if you get a tan. Well, that's an odd statement, but it is true. Many porn stars () purposely tan because they know the naked human form looks better with a bit of brown to it, rather than white, or, in more general terms, a light brown shade is more appreciated than not. Unless you're going for that whole "Japanese waifu"/"Middle Age Fairness (tm)" look, you need to try to at least go up in the pigment scale. Why, the more unwilling may ask, imagine your ancestors: cave dwellers => white, alpha males => tanned. Now tell me, how is babby formed? This can really tie in nicely with exercise. Go out to an outdoor pool every once and a while and just sit there and tan. Swim a bit. Then relax. Then swim. It's nice, relaxing, and you know you're becoming only that much more studly. Tanning also helps if you have the aforementioned acne problem, particularly the varieties known as "rackne", "backne", and "crackne." Also, if you have very bad acne, don't tan and don't spend too much time on the sunlight. It may make it worse. Ask your dermatologist if you have any questions. Swimming helps your skin clear up. This is unless you are black, or any other race with naturally dark skin, as it is known that many a nigra reckons the pool to be a prime habitat, and will spend many days at a time dancing about at such a location. While this is no doubt a healthy activity, it does very little for someone of such a deep complexion. It also goes without saying that the guido overtan/oompa loompa/roasted chicken look should never be even as little as emulated, or you would be signing your own death warrant, I'm not even joking.

Haircuts Haircuts are like clothing in that they basically define who you are. This can be a good or bad thing - you either do well with them or majorly fuck them up - the right cut can make you look classy and stylish in even the shittiest situation, whereas the worst can make you look like you're going to fuck your cousin (would you feel that's a bad thing). While there is no really easy way to tell you how to get the right hairdo, keep the following things in mind: 

      

Short barbershop hair is generally stupid. What I mean by that is that those generic "white boy" haircuts the majority of men get need to die and burn in hell. If it involves cutting your hair universally one half of an inch short and just using a razor on your neck, don't even bother. Know your salon procedure. o First, find yourself a SALON - not a barbershop. Salons are usually run by women, not by men, which means that they tend to look at men's hair more than at what seems to be the style on CNN or FOX News. o Call in early and schedule an appointment - and for god's sake, ASK HOW LONG THE HAIRDRESSER HAS WORKED AT THE SALON. Never let them place you with "the new girl" (they will want to). o If they do, you will no doubt get a butchered haircut with horrible fashion sense, much like you would get a bad dinner if you asked a new cook to make you something he has never made before. Crew cuts are stupid too. See above. If you have very bad acne, you should consider getting a short haircut nonetheless. If you prefer a buzz cut, then DO IT YOURSELF; spending $30 on a set of clippers will quickly end up cheaper. Afros look cool only if you're black. And wearing a suit. Preferably obstructing the paths of others while dancing by a pool. Growing out your hair is good, but you still will need haircuts. Get a good stylist, they'll know what to do. Greasy long hair is indicative of "I stay up at night masturbating to furry and playing D&D". As for your hairstyle, the best thing for you to do is ask the stylists. Some of the best advice in the world can be gotten with the same line you can use while clothes shopping - either "What do you think would look good on me", or "What would you do if you were going to date me?". These lines work like charms - but do note that you need to make sure that your stylist isn't freaking crazy. One particular anon learned very quickly that one does not use such a line when in the middle of a small town full of hick girls. Corollary: Even if you have the best haircut in the world, a stylist can butcher it in a second trying to be "original", or just being "fucking stupid".

Once you have found a hairstyle that you're happy with, make sure that you give clear instructions to whoever is cutting your hair. Don't be afraid to bring a picture in with you if you cannot properly articulate what it is you want. Most hairstylists will follow instructions well, and chances are if you leave them with vague instructions and are unsure of what you want, you will not be happy with the haircut you end up with.

Actually, let's just make a list of what NOT to do. DO NOT DO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:               

Crew cuts Bowl cuts Beatles-style looks Cuts requiring excessive use of a straightening iron Cuts requiring pomade Spiked hair that isn't razored Mullets Ponytails, esp. greasy ones Pork chop sideburns Anything involving vivid colors (green, red, blue, etc) Bleach your hair that nasty yellow color. Dye a part of your hair and leave the rest natural (like, dying your bangs) Anything involving a "Swoop" Anything in patterns or designs "Cut around" your eyes


In the eventuality that you want to dye your hair in a way that does not scream of emo/punk/others, look into  

  

Natural haircolours, blends of variatons thereof. Even so, deeper, darker colours are preferable to light ones, which often tend to give unnatural contrasts to the hair. o Still, pitch black is emo, don't do it Streaks are fine as long as the color of the streaks is not too different from the base color Cheap dye material will either have unwanted results or short term ones. If you are unsure of what it'll be like, only die a short length of hair, so that you may cut it without damaging the overall haircut in case of troubles.

Dressing Clothing is an essential part of life, mainly because the only time you seem to be allowed to not wear it is if you are a nudist, having sex, or in the shower. That's why most countries place a big emphasis on style and fashion- being able to take cloth that everyone wears and look good doing it. Even though it makes little sense to some, wearing the right clothes with the right names can make all the difference in the world. Look at movie stars- some are insanely ugly, but with a little Grooming and some style, millions of people around the world are willing to kiss their ass. You don't have to have rock hard abs, either- the right fit for the right clothes can turn you from a computer geek into a gigolo.

It is important to realize that this tutorial takes a very general, somewhat stereotypic view on fashion and dress that will help you if you are totally clueless. It is entirely possible to wear clothing that goes against the rules. Nothing is set in stone. One could get away with wearing, say, suspenders if they were worn well, or even a trucker hat. A lot of it depends on you, your personality, and the right combinations. It all just depends on HOW you wear it. Shopping at Hot Topic exclusively may not be such a great idea, but buying some article of clothing there might just be okay. The saying holds true: The clothing don't make the man, the man makes the cloths.

The Very Basics The very first thing you need to know about clothing is that for the most part, there are some things that everyone needs, bar none. This extends beyond underwear, too. So, before you even begin to look at yourself in the mirror and decide what you need clothing wise, realize you need at least the following basics:       

Underwear- anything but tighty whities and "joke" boxers. Pants- Jeans, Khakis, Shorts, and Dress pants. Shirts- Undershirts, plain T-shirts, styled T-shirts, long sleeved shirts, tank tops. "Overshirts"- Button down shirts, cheap suit jackets, etc. Accessories- At least one belt, possibly a necklace or a ring of some kind, a watch, scarf, etc. A Suit- a decent black or gray suit with normal conservative accessories- including a matching tie. Outerwear- One jacket (leather is good), one coat (preferably without "THE NORTH FACE" or "MEMBERS ONLY" on it).

Everything above is obviously the basics, which means that you should probably have everything mentioned already. What may surprise you is that with the very basics listed above, you can probably look decent already, pending that the stuff you have is of decent quality. Guys have it easy so far as fashion goes in this realm, because the styles never change too radically much- which means that so long as you did some decent shopping 5 years ago (note: Members Only jackets not applying), you will probably do well today. Probably.

Another problem in recent days is that no matter how cool you are dressed, people will pay attention to how you behave. If you put on the best clothes ever, people will pay less, but still do, attention to how geeky you are, and they will remark it, I remember a few times when despite wearing the same type clothes as others, the same way as others, people would tell me I dress like crap, worse, sometimes i'd wear clothes in a certain way, and people would tell me it sucked, then the local alpha male would start using my ideas, and get laid over 9000 times for his brilliant ideas. It's not all about the clothes, it's about how your character fits in too.

Your style Reference: (

Time for some introspective bullshit- you need to find out your particular style and work from there. Believe it or not, how you dress is how you appear to other people- those wearing a anklelength trenchcoat and backwards baseball hat looking radically different than those wearing Underarmor and running around with a football in their hand. With that being said, you need to figure out what you can pull off, and what you cannot. This is remarkably easy nowadays, purely because you can always fall on looking generic and still looking good. However, the caveat to that is that you will look generic, meaning that standing out will be harder. That, of course, is a bad thing. You want to be the kind of guy that girls spontaneously orgasm over, not the kind that blends in. So, let's first look at your primary deciding factor- your body type. Ectomorphs

Ectomorphs are your skinny people who don't gain weight, but don't gain muscle either. If you need a good example, look at the majority of emo bands. The nice thing about being an ectomorph is that you don't have to worry about hiding your body type, but the catch to that is the fact that you will probably never have a very developed body to show off anyway. This body type is nice for girls- but for guys, you will need to try to do something to at least look masculine. Thankfully, you can pull it off with a lot of styles- you're the kind of people that chains like Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch aim for. Mesomorphs

Mesomorphs are your natural strength people. A good example of this is your average body builder or athlete- muscular, powerful, and generally triangle-shaped. Mesomorphs tend to build muscle easily, and tend to retain it more than other body types. As the showmen Penn and Teller said on their show "Bullshit", it's like winning the gene lottery. However, being a mesomorph is hard- you will have to get used to buying special cut clothing to accommodate broad shoulders and/or big body features. The other issue with being a mesomorph is that you are restricted in your styles- such trendy things as Goth and Emo are completely out of your range. Endomorphs

If being a Mesomorph is winning the gene lottery, being an Endomorph is losing it. Endomorphs are your naturally fat people- body types that, for one reason or another, have a nasty tendency to put on pounds at the drop of a hat. They are, ironically, close brothers with Mesomorphs in that the body type can build muscle quickly- but that muscle is usually accompanied with unsightly fat. Think of Jack Black or John Goodman- that kind of chubby. But, worry not- believe it or not, if you loosen up your personality and get the right clothing, you can beat out any Mesomorph or Ectomorph without even lifting a finger. Once you have decided what you are above, you should already have an idea of what you can and cannot do. Mesomorphs should immediately begin focusing on weight training and building up their body- because if they do not, they can get pudgy and fat. Ectomorphs should look into

taking advantage of their lack of any heavy weight, and try to wear clothing that looks good on them. Endomorphs, as I mentioned above, should focus on loose clothing, relaxed fit kind of things that make you look like a party kind of guy. Shopping for Ideas So, hopefully by now, you at least have this abstract vision in your head of what you want to be. However, that's not good enough to justify whipping out your wallet to get clothing. What you need is inspiration and ideas. And you're right on your top source: the interbutt. The Internet is a great source for style ideas because you can get away with looking fucking everywhere for ideas and not spend too much time doing it. A great place to look for style ideas is, ironically, television channel websites. For those of us in the United States of America, we have a few key places we can check around:    

MTV Fox Network NBC Bravo TV

Personally, I'm the biggest fan of Bravo TV. There is a simple reason- it tends to be the most styleconscious. Bravo TV is a kind of modern YUPPIE television station, which means that you can get an idea of those new city fashion trends. MTV tends to be a good place as well- but of course, the catch to it being that the majority of people shown in their shows being immature and dressing likewise.

Of course, if you're looking for something a lot more detailed, there are a lot of places you can go for straight out help. Depending on your age, you may find GQ a great place to check out. Men's Health Magazine also tends to be a great place to find style tips. While both of these magazines tend to aim to 30-something professionals, they definitely can give you a heads up as to what you can do to look mature and fashionable. There are a few key questions you need to keep in mind as you browse. Those are:   

"Will I look good like this?" "Does this clothing look like it will be stylish for a long time?" "Will this attract the kind of girl I would be interested in?"

and of course, 

"Can I afford this kind of style without taking a third mortgage out on my house?"

And once you find it, you should know. Try to remember that something you see that you like may not look good on you. Nonetheless, you should at least find one idea from the above websites, even if it is "I have a lot of work to do". And that's good.

Shopping for Clothing

Shopping for clothing is like shopping for Video Games- you need to know what you're looking for beforehand and stick to your guns. When you walk into a store, you should be able to at least have a few things in mind- what style you're looking for, what you're specifically looking to buy, and how much you're willing to pay for it. See, as good old Anonymous (and presumably male), you can't allow yourself to buy something and then only later realize you fucked up. Failure sucks. So, with that in mind, get an idea of the stores that are available to you. Stores do indeed send a message. Don't believe me?          

The Gap: Trendy, yet simple and clean. Hot Topic: Goth, emo, etc. Abercrombie and Fitch: Really rich trendy high schooler/university student with no sense of quality. Hollister: Really trendy high schooler/university student. They own Abercrombie and Fitch, too, so basically it's just cheaper Abercrombie and Fitch stuff. American Eagle: Trying to keep the trends of A&F and Hollister, but too cheap to pay the price for the real shit. Aeropostale: One step above Old Navy. Old Navy: The Gap, except much cheaper and much more generic. Basically what every single mother buys her 12 year old. Eddie Bauer: More conservative clothing, usually good if you're going for the more professional look. Lands End: Decent stuff, more outdoorsy. Nowadays, it's way overboard and tacky. The North Face: Dumbass coats. Dumbass coats. Dumbass coats.

You see, even the name/brand that you wear sends a message. It's not the message of WHO you shopped at- it is literally the style that they carry. Wearing something from Hot Topic is the polar opposite of wearing something from Old Navy, no matter how you twist it. I suppose the same thing could be said about Louis Vuitton and Giorgio Armani, but we're all too poor for that shit.

You're probably lost by now. Trust me, no-one in their right mind besides some sort of godly fashion columnist can figure this shit out. All you need to do is walk into any store and look around and get an idea of what's going on inside. Hell, check out the people browsing insidethey probably are wearing some of the clothing already, or at least want to be wearing it.

Super Cool Trick #121 At this point, you probably want an easy way to get clothing without having to deal with all of this different clothing bullshit. There is an easy way to do this- rely on chicks. Yes, actually, women tend to be the best people to defer to on these subjects, because they generally will be able to figure out what makes you better looking. If you have a girlfriend (or a girl who is just a friend), you can definitely ask them. But hey, you probably don't. That is where you get up your balls and show off some testosterone. Wear decent clothing that makes you look pretty reasonable. Walk into a store with a female employee, and directly say to

her "What could I wear that would make you want to date me?". Unless she's busy or a bitch, you will probably get a good answer. Or a phone number, which is even better. Wearing Clothing There are few ways you can fuck up wearing clothing, but no doubt you need to learn them. Some rules (such as "White after Labor Day") do not really apply anymore, while some (white socks with brown shoes) continue to live to this day. With that being said, these are just the general rules you need to know when picking out "what to wear":                 

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As mentioned above, No white socks with brown shoes. Just trust me on this one. Unless you are wearing formal or semi-formal wear, do not tuck your shirt in ever. Do not wear your sweater around your hips, you will look gay. Do not wear a shirt and pants that match. Except if they are black. Never wear a cell phone on your belt. That is geeky and stupid. Unless you're trying to scare off potential dates, do not wear a ring on the third (ring) finger on your left hand. That's where marriage rings go. Unless you are on the beach or in a very relaxed setting, do not wear sandals. Keep leather shoes clean. Brown leather shoes are awesome and can be used for a ton of things, but they get dirty easily. This is obvious: No pocket protectors, suspenders, or basically anything stereotypically geeky. Suspenders with a suit however, is very classy. This is less obvious: Try to wear something other than a t-shirt and a pair of pants. I will personally kill you if you wear your baseball hat backwards. On the topic of hats, hats are to be worn sparingly, otherwise you'll look like a trucker. Oh, speaking of truckers, trucker hats will make you look like a MTV tool, but they do fit in some cases. Belts should never be tighter than the pants you have on. Buy fitting pants, or risk looking like you wear fucking Depends. Do not ever wear a Hawaiian shirt and a undershirt/tank top. You will look like an idiot. Sweatpants and sleepwear are only for exercise and sleeping, respectively. Girls and guys who think otherwise are ignorant. Wear what you're doing. If you're going on a date, dress semi-formal yet relaxed. If you're going to a concert, band t-shirts are acceptable. Just scale up or down depending on what you plan to do that day. Don't be that faggot that wears the band tshirt to that band's concert. It makes you look like a fag. Endomorphs, wear an undershirt, and tuck it in. not only does this make loose fitting-clothing seem as intended (loose-fitting), it also prevents several major social-deathtraps. Motion is contained within the undershirt, so "jiggling" is no longer a mortifying issue. Nipples are hidden as well, though you probably shouldn't be wearing a T-shirt that tight in the first place. Tucking in the undershirt (not the overshirt, unless formal) also keeps your ass-crack unseen if you bend over. Don't forget to re-tuck your undershirt after stops to the restroom, or if you start feeling a draft. Learn what colors go well together (not only with each other, but with you). Look at a color wheel if you can't figure out that red does not go with green. Complimentary colors, learn them, love them.

Bandanas hanging out of your ass pocket are cool ONLY if you aren't gangster. Do it if you want to pull off a Guns N Roses kind of vibe. WARNING: Don't do this in a gay area (unless you are, indeed, gay). It's used to identify what kind of sex you're into.

Jewelry and Accessories As surprising as it may seem, men do have their own lineup of jewelry and accessories. These aren't nearly as varied as what women wear, but the same rules apply for guys as they do for girls. Don't wear your cowry-shell hemp necklace to a funeral, and don't walk around all day with a pocket watch. It just doesn't work. Here are some tips to hopefully get you started. 

Casual Wear: A watch is pretty standard fare. Take your Fate/stay Night watch off and go get a respectable wristwatch for around $50. The Swatch company is a good place to start looking for a low-mid priced timepiece. Evening Wear: A night out on the town calls for something a little dressier. A nice watch, and a ring will suffice just fine. A college ring or signet ring is about as fancy as you should get. Leave the limited edition Snoop Dogg pimpgear at home. A ring with a diamond or some other precious stone is acceptable, provided that it isn't gaudy or cheap-looking. Formal Wear: Now you can get fancy. Cufflinks, tie clips, and rings are considered standard. A nice pocket watch on a chain shows a slight hint of class that many other people won't have.

Misc Tips and Tricks   

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Get women to help you. You wouldn't believe how many girls are willing to jump and assist you with your clothing. It may be a little invasive, but it helps. Exercise actually does help your clothing. T-shirts on people with a defined chest look better than someone who has a washboard chest. Having a little muscle makes things better. Re-wear jeans and some pants, never shirts. This really depends on how you sweat, but jeans and other "heavy" material pants can be re-worn safely. Just change your shirt- trust me, it will smell no matter what. Plus, you don't want to wear the same exact thing two times in a row. Unless you don't make a lot of money, in which case, this is okay, but for fucks sake, use deodorant. If at all possible, wash clothing before you wear it the first time. It gets the "store smell" out of it, as well as makes it softer. Wear clear deodorant. Especially with black clothing, white marks can show up. The same thing goes with dandruff- get it fixed. Especially with dark clothing, such things can be noticed. If it has an unsightly stain, get rid of it. Jeans do not apply here- but for white shirts or anything formal, just accept that it died. You don't want to look like a greasy trucker. Try to avoid shopping online. You can't see the clothes in actuality, you may end up getting something that doesn't fit you, or simply looks dumb on you. It might seem odd, but buy a lint roller. It's a must have if you wear black clothes. If you walk around with white spots covering your shirts, not only will you look dirty, but people will assume you have terrible dandruff. You can also wrap clear sticky-tape around your hand with the sticky side outwards and LIGHTLY PAT your shirts, I'd only do this with normal fabric, it might ruin fancy stuff.

If you wear band shirts, do yourself a fucking favor and buy some fashionable ones. Yes, in fact, they DO exist. Even if you're a straight up banger, buying a classic rock band shirt can spark up a conversation with an interesting chick. A plus with these as they aren't all black, so you don't look like the exact same band bitch every day. Pick up a The Doors, or Jimi Hendrix shirt at Walmart for like 10 dollars. Maybe a cute girl will perhaps mention that she love Jim Morrison and his poetry. Let's face it, most girls don't listen to Cannibal Corpse.

Formal Wear Formal wear is, among other things, a key to looking good, smart, and especially, not look out of place at a job interview, uppity party or in front of your (reverse) trap's parents. Prerequisite being that you follow the rules, and do not make them, should you be making the rules of clothing, I see little reason for you to read this. Some parts of this article may apply to more than just formal wear, guess which.

Men Thankfully for us men, formal wear boils down to a suit and a shirt, or a much rarer tuxedo, which makes it easy for us to make a neater guide to doing it right.

Shirts It's been discussed over and over again, but shirts are essential, and here are the basics. More than likely, you will need to worry about color and fabric more than anything else- because that’s what most notice. Fabric & Maintenance

Most shirts you will find nowadays are cotton, linen, polyester, or silk, or some blend thereof. It’s always best to check the shirt label for care instructions- most shirts can be cleaned in a washing machine, but some (silk ones specifically) cannot- so always keep careful. Most are made with a matte texture (i.e. not shiny), however, many can be found with a satin style. In general, the latter are seen more with darker jewel colors, however, exceptions always apply. Much like color, the style of the cloth is largely dependent on how you intend to wear it.

Color, Patterns & Embroideries Color

The color of shirts varies immensely. There is rarely a “normal” color shirt- however, in general, colors such as white and black are the most popular just for simplicity. For all intents and purposes, you should have at least one white shirt in your closet. Only a few safety principles may apply:    

Solid color shirts are preferable for formal environments. Lighter shades for darker suits, darker shades for lighter suits o There needs to be a visual cut between the jacket and the shirt A pink shirt on a pink man is ugly Try to avoid strong colors such as bright red, green and yellow.

Patterns and Embroideries

So far as patterns go, they are rarely found on traditional dress shirts to be worn with suits. It’s incredibly hard to find a pattern that works with a suit- but they do exist, albeit extremely conservative (such as different yet very close shaded stripes), so be open to the idea. Still, traditionally, plain dress shirts go best with suits. Personally, I’ve only seen stripes work well with suits so far as patterns are concerned, but there’s always room for improvisation. Embroideries (the subtle, discreet ones) are one of the finer things in shirts, but the result of things is that most of these are extremely bold (and neat), sometimes over the top, and generally hard to find, while such a shirt is good(to a certain extent), reserve it for higher standard events(as long as the embroidery is not something ridiculous). There are shirts with discreet thread patterns in the fabric that often yield good results without too much trouble. Any and all of these are harder to iron. Cut Sleeves  

have to fully cover your wrists in any position of your arm (as much when your hand rests in your pocket as when it is spread above your head). have to be tight enough when the cuffs are done o if they are tight enough this doesn't apply, but loose fitting may do wrong if associated with sleeves too long

Collar 

When buying a shirt, unless you plan it otherwise, make sure that the collar size fits you, that is, not tight and suffocating, but neither should there be space to stick more than a finger in it.

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What you want to do is to mesure the girth of your neck, either, if you have a ruler by measuring it just under the adam's apple, or by asking in store, they should have that. The collar size is generally tagged on shirts, choose the one that fits you best, selecting one the size above if necessary.

There are only really four collar styles you will ever run into: 

Narrow to medium Spread (also known as “Kent” or “Business”) collars are what you will find on most shirts sold today. These are starched thick collars that range in their distance from the tie knot, and virtually every shirt maker will have a different play on this, but they all tend to look around the same style. More than likely, this will be your bread-and-butter, so stick with these unless you’re experimenting stylistically. Wide (or “British”) Spread collars are not oftenly seen nowadays, and essentially are collars that point towards the far end of the collarbone (and sometimes to the shoulder) rather than pointing downwards, for lack of a better explanation. These are much more popular in Europe than America, but you can get them at good stores worldwide. When wearing a shirt like this, wider tie knots tend to look better (for example: Windsor). Button-Down collars are just that- buttoned down at the ends with little buttons. You see these frequently on more informal oxford shirts and other styles clearly not meant to be worn with suits. They can be worn with a suit (you’ll see politicians do it when they try to be “informal”), but it’s not exactly that style-forward. Club (or Round, Rounded) collars are collars where the ends are rounded off, instead of featuring a point. These are occasionally seen nowadays, but were much more popular in the early 1900s.


Thanks to the “lazification” of society, we can thankfully say that despite various trends that popped up in the mid-20th Century, there are but two styles of cuff you have to worry about: 

Barrel Cuffs are cuffs that wrap around once and fasten with one button. Most dress shirts nowadays have two buttons for the barrel, which accounts for the odd “34/35″ numbers with most shirts- they are meant for two sizes. These are the most commonly seen, and probably what you will have the most of. Single and French (or Double) Cuffs are best known as the cuff styles that require you have a cufflink. These, instead of having buttons for your shirt, just have two holes, in which you fasten with cufflinks and look pompous. These are actually very fashion forward, but are rarely seen in department stores nowadays.


Suits Because a full suit set is better than a satellite one. Note: There are a LOT more styles of suit than this, however, this is covering the select examples you will generally run across in stores. Don’t bitch at me for not mentioning Zoot Suits or whatever. The Single Breasted Suit

Single Breasted

The Single Breasted suit is by far the most recognizable suit, and by far the most popular in society today, with a single row of buttons on one side. There are some strange variations on the market of suits- many of them are entirely acceptable (and can be worn in many situations), but they do not comprise the “traditional” suit. A few examples: Three Piece

Three Piece Suits are suits with a waistcoat, which you traditionally wear under the jacket. These are considered a bit more formal, but they are coming into more popularity as of recent. These are often excellent buys, as they allow you to go jacketless (within reason) and still look fully dressed, with more variations thereof. Double Breasted

Double Breasted Suits are suits with two rows of buttons, resembling more of a pea coat than a suit coat. These are fairly acceptable in many situations, though they often create a unique silhouette that either flatters or harms the image of the wearer. Tuxedo

Tuxedoes are suits in the very loosest sense, but they occupy an entirely different world, much like tailcoats do. they have unique “rules” for wear and often are much more formal (and much more expensive) than a suit. There are plenty of other variations upon traditional suits throughout history, including but not limited to “Mao Suits”, Zoot Suits, Mod Suits, Beatle Suits… the list goes on. The long story short on these cuts is simple: don’t wear them. Fabric & Color

Fabric is a big player, both in quality and color. Most modern suits come in “business” colorsgray, navy, charcoal, etc.- though green and brown are coming into vogue again. Typically, a well-dressed man will have one conservative color (such as charcoal) and then branch out from there. Many suits have a recognizable texture or pattern (such as pinstripes), which are generally acceptable when they are traditional. Most suits available nowadays are made out of wool, though there are strange variations on the market.

Pants Cut

Pant Style is also a large part of the suit style. More modern suits have flat-front pants, which give a clear cut, modern look. Pleated pants feature a fabric fold (typically in the front of the pants) that allow for greater movement, but also often carry the connotation of being made for larger (fatter) frames. Jackets

Three Button jackets are by far the most popular of these- meaning that there are three buttons (and the debate still rages on regarding how those buttons should be buttoned). Two Button suits, in comparison, have only two buttons (and it’s generally acceptable to button both of these buttons). Vented jacket are suits with a “vent” (or cut) on the back of the suit. These typically come in three variations- single vented, double-vented, and no-vent style jackets. Most American styles tend to be Single-Vented, though there is no real problem with going double-vented (or novented). There are a variety of other factors in a jacket. Sleeve Button Style is a player as always, with a varying number of buttons on the sleeve (generally one to four, though it doesn’t matter). Additionally, Pocket Style is a player occasionally, most formal suits having some variation of the flap pocket, though “patch pockets” are also in vogue for more informal suits (mostly just blazers). The recent trend is to have a second, smaller pocket on your right side to keep bank notes. Cut

Because few run across the opportunity to have a suit cut specifically for them (virtually everyone reading this, including myself, do not have the luck), the suit cut is a very large player. While tailoring fixes many minor flaws, suits still have cut characteristics (referred to as the silhouette) which make the suit “hang” in various ways, so find something that you like. Most off-the-rack suits are made fairly shapeless, though many suits are now carried with “athletic” fits (bigger shoulders, smaller waists) and big fits (big waist, small shoulders). While you will inevitably always need to tailor a suit to get it “just right”, getting something that generally fits you well will save your tailor much heartache. Sleeves most fully cover the wrist, being of equal length or slightly more than the sleeve length of your shirt.

Shoes What do shoes say about a man? To your average man, they are nothing more than a comfortable way to get from point A to point B. Shoes are versatile and serve many purposes. Average

people do not seem to notice or care about the fashion statement that shoes make. A wellcultured man is not an average man and this should be reflected in his wardrobe. Shoes mean so much more than a means of comfort, they can define a man. A man does not wear a suit with sneakers because a suit is not meant to go with sneakers; moreover, a man does not wear casual clothes with square-toed pennies. It simply sends the signal of bad taste or a complete lack of understanding how an outfit is put together. The right kind of shoe can say so much about a person and conversely, the wrong kind of shoe can do exactly the same thing. There are essential shoes of every man’s wardrobe. Every man must have dress shoes, fashionable run-around shoes and then the athletic shoes. Every man must have these three pairs of shoes to be the basis of a simple but respectable wardrobe. I believe whole-heartedly that fashion starts from the ground up. The dress shoe is the secret weapon of well-cultured men. While it might not occur to you at first, dress shoes can go a long way. People notice shoes more often than you think because they can make or break an outfit. Dress shoes come in many different styles and price ranges so I will offer the best variety that I can. So, to prevent absolute mishaps, I'm going to provide you an all-encompassing guide to dress shoesfrom lowly but classy oxfords to the most experimental of shoes. Shoe Basics

Before we begin talking about shoes, let's touch on the terminology and the basics of shoes- that is, some of the phrases and ideas I'll reiterate in this article. Dress shoes are largely (but not always) made with two distinct parts- the sole/heel section (typically either rubber or leather) and the top section, which typically includes cloth/leather and all forms of decoration from the toe box to the counter. Shoes are typically made with a few key parts. The very back of the shoe is called the counter, a usually reinforced section of the shoe that cups the back of your entire foot. Going forward to about your mid arch is the top line, which is usually the "inner" fabric/leather that includes the holes for lacing. From there, there is sometimes what is called a vamp, or a "strip" of separate leather/cloth running from the mid arch to the top of the toes. Finally, the toecap is the very front part of the shoe, which is also typically reinforced like the counter to resist scuffing and damage. As for the sole of the shoe, it is typically either a rubber or leather hard part of the shoe designed specifically to be walked on- usually reinforced on the outside and padded on the inside for maximum comfort and durability. More traditional (and often more stylish) shoes will have a heel, either in a standard or Cuban variation, which gives the rear of the shoe lift. Of course, all of this terminology is incredibly vague and applies very loosely- as dress shoes vary with different styles and trends. So, let's do the good old Western thing- divide and categorize.

Styles of Dress Shoes

For the sake of this article (and both of our minds), let's simplify the varied categories of dress shoes into three different styles- oxfords, loafers, and boots. 

Oxfords (also known as lace-ups) are the most traditional and versatile shoe- traditionally, a leather shoe with laces. Oxfords range from all forms of styles, colors, brands, and even the number of eyelets in the shoes- but in a very loose sense, any "dress shoe" with lacing is an oxford. Loafers are essentially any shoes that do not include laces- the kind of shoes you can slip your feet into easily. These also come in a variety of styles- including monk straps, a form of "buckled" shoes which I include in this category somewhat arbitrarily- but nonetheless are just shoes without laces. Boots are a third category which include shoes that typically extend to the ankle or further. The reason these are generally separated is not only the style itself being radically different but also because boots are typically the only kind of dress shoes you will find that have zippers and, in some cases (specifically Chelsea Boots), elastic.

Toe Styles

As if the above wasn't complex enough, there are also styles based on the toe style of the shoe. In most stores, once you have decided on what style you have chosen above (boots, loafers, and oxfords), you get the "fun" of getting to look through all sorts of toe styles. While there are infinite variations of toe styles, they typically boil down into a few core stylesPlain Toe, Apron/Moc Toe, Cap Toe, Wing Tip, Bicycle Toe, and Medallion. 

Plain Toe shoes are exactly what the name infers- they are shoes without any form of design on the front. Typically, this means that the vamp and the toe box/toe cap are "merged" into one, leaving a very clean and modern look to the shoe- but often the look can be incredibly plain. This is very common in boots and some brands of oxford shoes. o A subset of Plain Toe shoes, Medallion toes are shoes with a design on the topessentially something stitched or punched into the top. These are incredibly rare to find, but interesting- yet often a shade too casual for formalwear. Apron Toe shoes (also known as moc toe- the two are often blended/mixed) are shoes with a separate piece of leather that extends from the very bottom of the top line around the shoe itself, giving the impression of a "crease" (a stiching line) between the top of the toe and the bottom, like a draped apron. These are becoming popular in casual shoes- and when done incorrectly, can be boxy and uglier than sin- but when done correctly, are very fashionable. These are more present in loafers than oxfords/boots, but are found everywhere. Cap Toe shoes are by far the most traditional and fit the above mentioned vocabularysimply having a "cap" of reinforced leather on the shoe. These are present VERY frequently in both oxfords and boots. Cap toes are essentially timeless style, and you can almost never go wrong- though cap toe shoes can also be boring for constant wear. Wing Tip shoes are found very often in (cowboy) boots and some more casual oxfordsthey are essentially a merging of cap toes and apron toes, giving a kind of "wing" effect

that extends the cap around the sides of the foot. Traditionally, these contain broguing, which I will explain below. Wing tip shoes are excellent choices like cap toes, but can very rarely come off as too casual for extreme formal wear. Bicycle Toe shoes are essentially apron toe shoes without the very front. Instead of having the leather wrap entirely around the shoe, it only extends on the sides, allowing the very top of the shoe to extend down the front of the shoe in one long design.

Other Common Variations

Just to make this even more complex, there are other variations that can occur with shoes. Broguing Broguing is by far one of the most popular features in men's dress shoes. Originally designed in Ireland and Scotland to allow water in the shoe to escape (instead of pooling inside), the stylish ways in which these holes were applied proved attractive and popular. Nowadays, broguing rarely (if ever) extends all the way through the shoe, and usually is simply done simply for ornamental purposes. 

Monk Straps are shoes that, instead of featuring lacing or the common loafer style, have a literal buckle (of varying styles) on the front of the shoe to secure it to your foot. There's not much to say about these- they work very well casually, but sometimes are a shade too casual for dress purposes. Heel styles are also of issue with many dress shoes. Increasingly, for some god awful reason, dress shoes now vary between traditional heels for shoes (with defined heels usually a half inch or so high) or soles of a single flat piece of rubber, essentially the difference between running shoes and skating shoes. Legitimate heels are generally always much more fashionable and manageable than the "flat" soles becoming more popular. Period. Pointed toe shoes are becoming more popular now for some reason, and generally take cues from women's shoes in many respects. While these are often touted as "fashion shoes", allow me to set the record straight: overly pointed shoes can and will make you look like a clown. Slightly pointed shoes are okay- spikes are not.< Eyelet number and style also can come into play, though this kind of thing is rarely played with (as many brands seem paranoid to sacrifice fit for the sake of look). Some brands will occasionally reduce the number of eyelets in the shoe to extend the vamp/toe and reduce the amount of visible lacing- leading to a much more clean toe. In the opposite direction, some dress boots (rarely) increase the number of eyelets as if to reference military style boots, having eyelets all the way up to the top of the shoe. These variations are generally just personal preference.

Sole Material is a VERY important topic. While many casual shoes come with rubber soles which can last seemingly forever, many dress shoes (mainly oxfords) can come with a leather sole designed specifically to be worn in clean, indoor scenarios- basically, meaning shoes you can't go tromping around outside in. The latter are, naturally, much more classic and appropriate for dress wear, but it stands to reason that it is sometimes prudent to sacrifice style for the sake of durability- because you really don't want to pay every few months to have your shoes re-soled.

Brands and Locations

And you thought I was done with variations. As you will no doubt find if you go shopping even in the most extensive of stores, shoes are difficult to shop for- oftentimes, you have to balance look, functionality, and comfort, all while making sure the price isn't absolutely ridiculous for no reason whatsoever. With that being said, many different brands carry a variety of different styles, and oftentimes, you have to look around to find your "perfect" shoe. Generally, the most popular of brands are names such as Johnston and Murphy, Giorgio Brutini, Bostonian, Steve Madden, Nunn Bush, and Rockport. These names can do very well or very horribly- but it never hurts to check them out. Many designers also have very solid shoe lines- names such as Kenneth Cole (and by inference Kenneth Cole Reaction), Hugo Boss, and many more. Of course, many other designers carry various smaller lines, including Polo Ralph Lauren, among others. While I would love to provide you an all-affirming answer to the question of where-to-shop, I cannot honestly tell you where to go. I personally have had shoes by various brands, and even though I've loved certain shoes, that does not always reflect well on either the style or the quality of a particular brand. Yes, it's a pain. So then, what are you to do? So, what should I buy?

If you are looking for a traditional dress shoe, you are always safe with a black or cordovan cap toe shoe with a nice heel. Black shoes go well with black or some gray suits, whereas cordovan works well with a variety of colored suits (notably blue suits). Look for a shoe that fits well, looks "slender" (no "fat" shoes), and has a very high quality leather- even shoes with "hard&" leather will tame eventually, but cheap shoes fall apart in seconds. If you are looking for something to wear casually with dress pants, consider classy loafers. No, Sperry’s do not count. Be it a monk strap or a traditional loafer, loafers are a great asset to be worn in a business casual setting, and they are relatively low maintenance shoes. Much like the above, stick with a black or cordovan for best effect. If you want something to replace the "usual" sneakers, look for brogue wing-tips, boots, or other forms of "semi-casual" dress shoes. Dark brown wing tips have a distinct "boot" look that look wonderful with jeans or other forms of casual pants without looking too dressy. Of course, you can never go wrong with a classy black boot- zip boots or chelsea boots, while sometimes ostentatious, have a very clean and interesting line that can be very fashionable, even in jeans. For more ideas, I recommend you read Daniel's guide, including some great recommendations on the topic.

No matter what you do, though, as I've said before on many articles about clothing, classic trumps cutting edge fashion. While it seems ridiculous to advocate the status quo in the face of change, there are some styles- many of the above I have mentioned- which do not fluctuate over the years and will last you a long time. Shoes, much like coats and other large purchases, last a very long time- Don’t buy something that will only be in style for a year. When it comes to dress shoes, classic style always trumps trend- no matter how many times modern trends may try to kick it in the shins with spiked heels.

Ties & Company Fabric

Silk ties are generally of very fine quality, but this also happens to be a drawback, as most silk ties are thin to the point where making a correct tie knot becomes difficult, whether it is the length of the tie, or the hold and size of the knot, prefer larger knots for these. Color & Patterns

Generally the "color cut" that is appreciated for shirts relative to jackets works pretty well for ties relative to shirts, which is why you'll often see a dark tie on a white shirt under a dark jacket.   

On that note you should always have a black tie Unlike for shirts though, you may make a much fancier choice of tie, colorful ties are quite trendy, a single quick Google search will show you. Stripes are often done, but solid color is still a sound choice


Because you're not a man unless you can make your own knot. Most knots suppose there are respectively a thinner and wider end to your tie. The perfection of most knots is highly dependent on the length of your tie, and as such you will need to readjust them. It is generally accepted that a good tie has the wide end just above the waistband. Drawn explanations and (possibly) videos might come, I just haven't managed to make a clear video example. A general assumption is that that bigger the knot, the more formal it is, side note, the bow tie note is not that big, but a bow tie in itself is much more formal, more for use with a tuxedo (otherwise it might give a barman feeling). Normal     

Keep the thin end vertical Make a full circle around it with the larger end (keeping the wider end below the rest) Slip the wider end behind the whole thing Slip it inside the strip that rounds the thinner end from above Pull on it while holding the knot

Windsor (double)      

Keep the thin end vertical Make a full circle around it with the larger end (keeping in above the rest (inside)) Pass it in front of the thinner end and have it make a full circle around itself from behind Make a thrid full circle around the thin end Slip it behind and in the last circle you made Pull on wider end while holding the lower part of the knot

Bow Tie

I won't lie, this is the hardest of the three, so hard I have been stuck trying to find an explanation for a few weeks now. Neckerchief/Neck Cloth

Pinnacle of formality this is, you might see this once in a while in very uppity weddings and the such. The point being to use a very light piece of cloth, such as a silk scarf, and tie it in the way you would for a tie or for shoestrings (as to make a bow).

Waistcoats Unless you set your mind on a three piece suit, this would be what you want to read regarding waistcoats. Fabric Color

Keep the color as close to that of the jacket as possible, if you are not wearing a jacket, make sure the color makes a visual cut with that of the shirt.

Ironing & Maintenance Unless you are willing to invest in one no iron shirt instead of a dozen normal ones, it has to be done, no way out of this, wrinkly formal clothes will make you look worse than if you weren't wearing any formal clothes, so get started, you're a big guy, you don't need a trap's help. Material

To get: 

Full sized ironing board o small ones are terrible and you'd prefer a sofa arm or a covered table to do the task; on top of that large ones fold and take little place thus.

 

o A cover for the board if there is not one already An iron, obviously o if you're broke, the cheapest ones do the work, if not, you may get one with better features such as non stick pad and continuous steam on/off switch. A sheet of ironing cover "fabric"(not necessary, helps prevent burning and slides better) Fabric starch (not necessary either, better to learn without, makes it that much easier later)

Getting started Generalities  

Ironing can be done dry or relatively humid, but not wet If you do not know the settings to use on a piece of clothing, use the lowest temperature and steam and increase it step by step until you feel it is too hot, finer fabrics require lower temperatures. o Temperatures too high will damage the fabric and risks leaving burned traces on your iron, making it harder to use for less results. For an easier time, keep the clothes you want to iron on hangers after washing them, they will "breathe" a bit and the fabric will slightly straighten itself naturally. o Shirts should hang from the yoke of the shirt (i.e. the shoulders) correctly. While there are always exceptions, properly hanging shirts have the wire (or wood) of the hanger under the very middle of the shoulder and have the shirt tag in the very middle of the hanger. Pants should be hung evenly on the pleats/creases. By ensuring that clothes hang correctly, they will hang better on you (no pun intended)- which is exactly what you want.

Shirt 

    

Easiest to fuck up, start with a shirt that is not indispensable. o make utmost use of the corners of the board, most will have some kind of use for a specific section check tag for instructions and others set iron on appropriate heat unbutton shirt unfold collar, flatten collar, iron collar, fold collar, flatten collar, iron collar again do one sleeve o lay the sleeve flat on your ironing board, set the lower seam on the edge, and use your hand to hold it down o iron over the seam only to set it right (and to the corresponding edge of the cuff) o pinch the fabric on the other side of the sleeve and pull to ensure the fabric is flat on both sides of the sleeve  keep checking for wrinkles and act accordingly o iron the cuff o pull on the cuff and iron from it to the armpit on the lower part (where the seam should be) o then go from armpit to shoulder o keep pulling on the cuff while now holding it slightly above the board, slowly slide the iron from shoulder to cuff (with a slight outward movement to set the upper edge)

o o

 

still with the cuff in the air, iron under and then over the pleats repeat on the other side. continue through the shoulders to the other sleeve o transition is easier when done on a corner or the smoothened-edge square part of the board take care of the back o flat on the board, what else do both the front sides


Pants, unless pleated, are relatively easy to Iron, as the legs make up for most of it.  

    

Hold your pants by the bottom so that all seems on the legs are touching lay them flat on your ironing table, keeping the seams as much as possible together along the pants o you can either do both at the same time, or leg by leg for better results In both cases, start from the tip of the pants, press it strongly and with a lot of steam to set the fabric the way you want then hold the tip and gradually do both sides of the seams from bottom to top o leave a certain space on the top, it'll be harder to deal with once you are done with that, take all the pockets inside out and iron them keep the pockets out and spread the top of the pants on a corner of the board so that it lays (partially) flat and iron it, shifting it if necessary. put the pockets back in


Ironing a tie is nothing short of a detail, unless you treat your ties like a goat treats its, you won't need to do that, now if you do, here's how you're supposed to do it.   

set the iron to low temperature or set it higher and use a piece of fabric (napkin) between the tie and the iron to prevent burning use a bit of steam, but keep it low and you're done!


While not quite recommended, it isn't too dangerous to iron waistcoats yourself. All you are required to do is (beside moving the back strap out of the way) to keep the edges ironed sharp, and then the flat surfaces are easy; you might, however, have seams in the middle of the front (and possibly back) of your waistcoat, in which case you will have to iron following the threading (to prevent regular wrinkles from appearing around them), and then go towards the sides.

Women A Crash Course: Generally speaking, men have it easy: there is one acceptable form of dress for various levels of formality, and it boils down to {trousers tie}, whether that’s chinos->oxford shirt->necktie or tuxedo. Women’s clothing is a great deal more tricky, simply because it’s FAR more openended. Depending on the situation, trousers, a skirt, or a dress could all be equally acceptable, and there are literally dozens of different styles of each. Here are some hints:

The Basics – The Three Golden Rules To begin with, there are 4 basic traits to any piece of women’s clothing: shortness, tightness, revealing-ness, and flashiness (which encompasses things like bright colours, loud patterns, spangles, sequins, etc, and all things frou-frou (for a working definition of frou-frou, find any picture of prom dresses from the 1980s)). The #First Golden Rule is this: 1. o

Unless you know EXACTLY what you’re doing, for the love of sweet Raptor fucking Jesus, pick ONE of these traits per item/outfit! o If the item/outfit in question is not particularly outstanding in any of these traits, you can probably get away with two (i.e. a short tight dress, or a tight revealing top, or a short flashy skirt). o DO NOT wear an outfit composed of entirely items that meet these rules – if you’re going to wear a tight revealing top, don’t wear a really short or really flashy skirt. You will, in many if not most cases, just look cheap, tacky, and/or skanky. This is particularly true if the items in the outfit clash or have incompatible flashiness (gold lame and fur, for instance). 2. The Second Golden Rule is this: o Context shapes the acceptability of your outfit. Ignore it at your mortal peril. o For instance, an outfit made up of a very short skirt and tight revealing top might be perfect to go clubbing in. It would probably not be acceptable to wear to work, and almost certainly NOT acceptable to wear to a funeral (unless you have WAY cooler friends-and-relations than I do!). o The following rules assume that you work a relatively normal, people-facing job in a service industry. Obviously, if you work as, say, a belly-dancer, an actress, a model, a lounge singer, a stripper, or a prostitute, the standards of acceptable dress are very different. 3. The Third Golden Rule: o Find clothing styles that suit YOUR OWN body: Get a friend or personal shopper to give you advice if necessary. o Don’t buy/wear something just because it’s fashionable, you pathetic sheep. o Women’s clothing varies wildly in cut and style: not every style will suit the shape of any particular woman. #*For instance, “Empire-style” waists are just below the breasts (think of the film version of a Jane Austen novel): women who have ample bosoms will NOT look good in an Empire-waisted dress. If you don’t already know your body shape,



find out. Ask for honest advice from a friend you TRUST, or hire a personal shopper to give you some advice. Dress to emphasize the good points of your figure and minimize the bad ones: the idea is to produce a silhouette that’s relatively balanced. There are a wide variety of books and websites that can help you do this – go google “Trinny and Susannah” or “Gok Wan” as a start (NOTE: yes, all three of them are annoying as fuck. They have a point, however). The “house style” of different major stores flatters different types of women. If you can, go on a shopping trip with your trusted friend. Take note of which stores sell lots of stuff that looks good on you, and SHOP THERE.

Clothing for work My first job in the public sector, I was told that the dress code was, “Don’t come naked”. This is true, and often useful, but really doesn’t cut it. For work, the ideal is to dress in a way that’s comfortable for whatever you’re doing, makes you feel/look good, but that also doesn’t look out of place with your colleagues/get you in trouble. Obviously, if you are a student, working outdoors, in a highly casual environment, or where you aren’t dealing with the public, you may be able to get away with wearing jeans and a T-shirt (as, for instance, I could in my first public sector job on Fridays). If this is the case, your clothes MUST be ABSOLUTELY clean and well-maintained – no throwing on the ratty jeans you painted the house in or the ripped T-shirt you went on the piss in the weekend before – and, ideally, pick up some plain T-shirts rather than T-shirts for band tours or uni orientation or something. 

In fact, your clothes ALWAYS have to be clean and well-maintained: consider learning how to sew, at least to put on a button or mend a tear.

Most people, however, will be working in a job where they deal with people outside their immediate colleagues. In that case, you will almost certainly have to wear something more formal than jeans. Some tips:

Unless you work in one of the jobs mentioned above, it is NEVER acceptable to show the following at work:    

undergarments (other than a bra strap) your breasts your midriff (belly buttons and a couple of inches either side of it, if you’re unsure) significant amounts of thigh (if you’re flashing people when bending over or sitting – NO)

Basically, not everyone is going to want to see your tits/ass

Clothiers Quick Note: All of this is aimed AT MALES. The whole layout changes for females. Girls, I can't write something like this for you, so go Shlick to Yaoi or something.

Store Brands Abercrombie and Fitch

Abercrombie and Fitch is the main store brand of the company of the same name, who operates a long line of teen-savvy clothiers all over the United States. This company has spent the majority of its time aiming toward the 14-25 demographic, though it has managed to pull in your older and younger groups with its hip styling and sex-imbued advertising campaigns. Abercrombie and Fitch is like MySpace. When you get so old (I personally would say 18 or so), wearing Abercrombie and Fitch makes you look childish, much like having a MySpace. The reason for this is because it makes you look like you're trying to pull off the "youthful look"- and anyone looking to look refined and decent is going to look like a fuckwad in expensive stone washed shorts. However, you can pull this look off easy if you're just with a bunch of friends (ergo not trying to look too decent). While wearing too much of the logo will make you look cheap and stupid, a little bit of A&F can be worn by anyone under the age of 25 without causing too much of a ruckus. Just watch out- too much will make you look like a fuckwad. Aeropostale

Aeropostale is a clothier that aims itself at the 11-18 demographic that is looking for a cheaper version of trendy clothing. Because the company works so hard to remain cheap to the average consumer, the clothing itself tends to err on the cheap side- not insanely cheap, but not exactly wonderful either. It would be my personal recommendation to simply avoid Aeropostale unless you're looking for teen style on a budget. Aeropostale shirts (like the one I'm wearing as I type this) are stupidly cheap, their shorts are ragged, and the clothing itself is just generic. While the clothing is no doubt cheap, it is also made cheap. Just save up extra cash and skip this store. American Eagle Outfitters

American Eagle is another stop in the line of the big teen retailers (A&F, AE, Hollister and Aeropostale). Considered generally more "clean cut" than the other outfitters because of its lack of sexual advertisements, American Eagle tends to target the more athletic demographic as a whole. This kind of clothing is seen often on those considered "jocks", as it is generally tailored to fit athletic bodies well- though the clothes, much like other brands, tend to be designed for the

super skinny (so bodybuilders from our Exercise chapter will have to do some serious hunting for good clothing from here). American Eagle makes decent clothing- sometimes. Much like other teen clothiers, the clothing quality tends to vary depending on what you buy. Buying a polo from American Eagle is by far a good choice, but buying something a bit more specific (such as shoes) tends to result in absolute failure. And, of course, this is a TEEN RETAILER- so if you're trying to look older or just are sick of seeming preppy; avoid this shit like the plague. Armani Exchange

Armani Exchange came out of the Fashion world and surprised the fuck out of everybody. A spiritual brother to Giorgio Armani (see below), Armani Exchange is a much cleaner cut teenand-twenty-something retailer that has no qualms about charging you an arm and a leg for their designs. Armani Exchange clothing can be as much as double that of other retailers, which will certainly put a hurt on your wallet if you like their clothing. Personally, I like Armani Exchange best of all of the teen retailers, but the price is just too much. Paying upwards of $40 for a t-shirt is fucking stupid, no matter how rich you are. With that being said, Armani Exchange is a wonderful place to find ideas and concepts for your clothing, but never a good place to actually purchase the clothing. The Website contains a virtual dressing room that is like your core tool for designing decent clothing mixes- so play around with it, but never pay them for your time. Banana Republic

Banana Republic was once a store and catalog business (somewhat like Sears Roebuck) that made quite a bit of money on playing the "safari" look of its stores and catalog. Eventually, it was purchased by The Gap Inc, who transformed it into a "Casual Luxury" store- that is, relatively decent priced clothing, with a more refined look to it. I've recently begun to like Banana Republic because they have done a fairly good job of managing their clothing and keeping things stylish. Banana Republic clothing is your step up from Hollister/A&F/AE so far as price and quality goes, as well as the general maturity of the clothing itself. You can get quite a wardrobe from Banana Republic and not go wrong, as most of their clothing is stylish and classy enough to be worn even into your late 30s. Big Dogs

Big Dogs is a clothier embarrassment of a company that primarily sells "funny" t-shirts and clothing, featuring graphic prints of dogs usually parodying pop culture or some other stupid shit. This is the kind of shit that you see fat people wear to appear funny, but is such a train wreck that you want to break their beer bottle, take a shard of glass, rip their heart from their chest cavity, and shove it down their mouth. I'm not fucking kidding.

The Buckle

Buckle is a company that originally started out as Mills Clothing, Inc in Nebraska. As the clothier grew, it slowly morphed into "The Buckle", a company that aimed at the teen demographic. The company rarely makes clothing of it's own anymore, spending the majority of its time selling other popular brands (such as Polo Ralph Lauren, Dr. Martens, etc). I've never really seen Buckle as anything but an extension of some of the brands it sells. If you like any of the brands it sells (PS: Volcom is fucking stupid), then by all means, go for it. However, do note that it really isn't the top of the top when it comes to sales or anything, and it's not exemplary when it comes to style either. Use your own judgment as to how this store fits you. d.e.m.o

d.e.m.o is a hip hop inspired brand by the people at Pacific Sunwear (Pacsun). It is generally a large outlet for men's wear such as Ecko or Sean John, and for all intents and purposes, mainly targets the African-American community. The clothing is generic and typical of your average gangster (or in this case, gangster-wannabe), and generally costs more than even higher end brands in other stores. This is one of those things that you would only touch if you were into hip-hop and whatnot, and could actually pull this shit off. If not, just go to the website for two seconds and have yourself a good laugh at the white models on the page. Then get off, before that shit infects you. Eddie Bauer

Eddie Bauer is a clothing company mainly aimed toward 25-40 year old people. It's history comes from the original "Eddie Bauer's Sports Shop", where much of the clothing was designed for the outdoorsy- and that trend has generally carried to this day. Nothing of this style has ever really taken off in any insane way, however, the store continues to grow at a large pace as many search for reasonably priced clothing that looks decent on middle aged people. Eddie Bauer clothing can be great- but overdoing it is death. Eddie Bauer pullovers and sweaters are generally wonderful (Eddie Bauer did invent the first down Parka), but their pants and other clothing is a bit old-man-ish for me. Many can pull it off- just don't overdo it or you'll look TOO old. FOSSIL Gap

The Gap is a company that has been around for ages, always targeting older teens to about the thirty-something crowd. The name itself refers to "The generation gap", the Hippie movementwhich is kind of dead by now, but the stores still remain. Gap clothing is FAR more urban than

the majority of clothing in malls now (The Gap has yet to adopt the "Miami Beach" look- good for us, bad for its stock value). Gap sells what is often jokingly referred to as "Suburbia Clothing", meaning that it's clothes typically follow low beta trends and typically avoid high ones for better profit margins. This, much like many department store outlets, typically means that Gap sells fairly quality merchandise that lasts quite a while, yet often can be considered stereotypical due to it's own popularity. I actually like some of the Gap clothing, and a lot of more classical people do. The Gap is a very urban company (style-wise- and I'm talking about upper NY urban, not Gangster urban), so it looks decent on people trying to give a more tailored or refined look. The Gap clothing tends to vary in quality, which can be a problem, but their staples (Pants, shirts, etc) kick ass. Men's Warehouse

Hi I'm George Zimmer founder and CEO of the Men’s Warehouse (insert copypasta here) I guarantee it. Like it or not sometimes in life you need to dress to impress as they say. Men’s Warehouse is nice because they offer the cheapest rentals out of all the men’s suit stores. Also its always nice to buy a suit or two for job interviews or other shit. Hollister

Hollister is a teen-oriented brand of Abercrombie and Fitch. This basically means that the clothes are the same in soul, but differ in that they tend to be a bit smaller, a bit less overtly sexual (to garner more parental approval), and to be affordable enough for the teen budget. This brand has taken off, much like A&F and Aeropostale, as people are moving toward the California/Miami Beach look. Hollister can be good, and Hollister can be bad. If you are over 18 (you should be if you're reading this), Hollister is too young for you, get out. However, if you are younger (doubt it), this isn't something too bad to go for. Much like A&F, you'll end up looking like a carbon copy... but it works. Also, much like AE, the clothing tends to fit more athletic bodies better. Fatties need not apply. Ever. Hot Topic

You probably know Hot Topic. Established in 1988, the stores are mainly based around any given music trend of the time, selling dark clothing, band merchandise, and anything that could possibly fit in between. As the store has grown to over 600 stores nationwide, it has slowly evolved to encompass "otaku" wear (Weeaboo shit), Emo wear, and basically anything that teens or twenty-somethings would buy into. However, a simple band shirt here and there shouldn't be too much trouble.

Hot Topic is a no-no for most Well Cultured Anonymous. And I'm fucking serious. If you have any feeling that you don't look good in this stuff, you should take it off. Once you hit 18 or 19 or so, wearing t-shirts with bands on them goes from "haha cool" to "haha stupid". Let's be honest with ourselves- when you're looking for a job or dating, wearing excessively skinny pants and a haircut that covers half your face is stupid. Look, just break the habit. Hot Topic may be music-related, but the entire world does not revolve around punk/emo music. Just like Hot Topic once was a big (mall) Goth retailer (and dropped it like a hot potato), they will with YOUR favorite style. Stick with more normal styles and you won't look like an idiot, and hopefully you will be able to keep your clothes for longer than six months. But if you must dress for an alternative style, then you'd really be much better off checking out your local leather shops, thrift stores, costume/theatre shops, etc. Just keep that shit in clubs, social events, and concerts if you don't want to be a laughing stock in the workplace. (Coming from an anon who has been dressing Goth for a long while) J.Crew

J.Crew is much like Polo Ralph Lauren in it's style, but is special in that it is a primarily catalog and internet based company. J.Crew is much like Lands’ End in this- it tends to stick to traditional styles, and simply do minor modifications whenever it is "safe" to make more sales. This, by all means, does not mean J.Crew is a bad company. In fact, you may find some of your best stuff here. Go hunting around for the basics- even underwear and socks- and just load up on the very simple stuff. I wouldn't really promote purchasing any kind of shirts or pants here, but I can imagine. Nordstrom

Nordstrom is actually a department store more than an actual clothier. Generally stylistically better than your average department store (Macys, Dillards, et al), the stores tend to be much more affluent than your regular old clothing place. Much like many other upper class companies (Nintendo, Starbucks,, Nordstrom is based out of Seattle. Nordstrom, much like any other mass clothier, has hits and misses across the board, so it's hard to define their stuff by any major definition or term. Personally, I think Nordstrom is probably one of your best stores for up-and-coming consumer trends, but it also comes with a slightly higher price tag than you would find in other stores. But this is fine: their service is absolutely phenomenal and their clothing is well made. PS: Nordstrom is rocketing up in the stock market right now like a cat with a firecracker up it's ass. Oakley

Oakley is a company that originally started out designing sunglasses and ski goggles. Their popularity has slowly risen for various purposes, namely the quality of the glasses. However,

these glasses have recently taken on a small niche, and tend to all appear the same (The "Oakley Look"), with tinted (red or orange, typically) lenses and plastic/metal frames. The company has recently gone into other markets due to this popularity. Okay, I'm going to say it. Oakley sunglasses are for retards. The same goes with their clothing. Oakley is far from being interesting or masculine, and rather reminds one of a dumb teenage dropout who tries to look "hardcore" as he flips burgers as McDonalds. I'm just saying. Old Navy

Old Navy is a company run by The Gap that aims specifically at lower and middle class people. While that sounds confusing, the translation is that Old Navy clothing is clothing similar to that found at The Gap, just a little bit behind the style curve and a bit cheaper. Other than this, the clothing is much akin to the stuff found at The Gap- albeit much cheaper and less sturdy. Old Navy is too much of a gamble, style-wise, to even bother with. Old Navy has more of neutral style, where you will probably blend into a crowd. While some would enjoy this, others may be looking for a more bold look. The clothing rarely, if ever, changes style in any fundamental way, and tends to be the same kind of stuff year after year. This would not be so bad, would it not be for the quality of the clothing, which is shitty- at best. The Jeans tend to hold up fairly well, but anything cotton or linen (especially their chino pants) falls apart in a few washes. There are some good buys at Old Navy, just not often. PacSun

Pacific Sunwear (abbreviated to PacSun) is a California based retailer of California-inspired clothing- namely stuff related to surfing and/or skateboarding. For the most part, PacSun operates as a store full of existing brands (Volcom, Billabong, etc), rather than a clothier of it's own right- however, the clothes tend to come specifically from those stores rather than competitors. PacSun is another Hollister/AE/A&F clone in that it's the same old bullshit: California or Miami Beach wear. Look, about 90% of the United States is "too far" from any major ocean to justify surfing in it (or in the case of NYC, Atlantic City and Philly, nobody's stupid enough to jump in). Dressing like you want to be out grinding a surfboard is thus fucking stupid, especially when you carry the look of an urbanite. If you're into this, go ahead- but this looks neither mature nor original. Puma

Puma is a high end clothier for athletic goods (primarily shoes and running gear). Based in Germany, the company is largely based in Europe, however, it has slowly found it's way into the United States over the years, and has become a common sight on many people. Puma clothing is obviously for sports, and should stay that way. For their intended purposes (soccer, running, etc), they do well. However, in any other circumstance, it makes you look as if

you got lost from a gym- an actually very bad look. A lot of people in England tend to wear this look (from what I've seen)- so if you're a Brit you could pull it off, if you don't mind looking like a thug from a council estate- but I doubt you could in the USA. Tommy Bahama

Tommy Bahama is a clothier that makes high end Tropical-themed wear (thus the Bahama, though no one in the Bahamas actually wears the shit). The clothing is often seen either sold in special retail stores (rare in the US and Canada), and sometimes in various department stores. It should be of note that Tommy Bahama stuff is aimed at older men and women, ergo not you. Wilsons Leather

Wilson's Leather is what it says it is- leather. It originally started as Berman's Leather, but eventually morphed into what is now known as Wilson's Leather, which operates a handful of stores nationwide. This company sells leather coats, handbags, shoes, and gloves- but also tends to dabble in other areas. For the most part, there is no good or bad about this company. Leather Jackets are fairly flexible beings, so they can work for many different kinds of styles. Just test their stuff out, but watch out- leather stuff is expensive.

Big Names in Fashion Big names in fashion are people or brands (such as Hugo Boss) that are in the public view, but do not have stores per se. These people/brands may or may not be available in stores, or may only be in more upscale areas (such as bigger mall stores or something). Obviously, these brands are much more expensive. Brooks Brothers: They actually have a store in London, on Regent Street, britfags may want to look it up.

Coach Giorgio Armani House of Chanel Hugo Boss Ralph Lauren

Haute Couture If you're reading this wiki, chances are you can't afford it. Just leave it at that.

Exercise Working out is fucking hard. No, I mean it. Many people, especially women, exercise with a certain degree of fervor, excitedly trying to pump the most out of their bodies, to become leaner, faster, and more toned. But that doesn't always work- with bullshit diets and crappy workout machines all over America and Europe, it's hard to figure out what works. John Basedow had beaten the odds and made Fitness made Simple, but this has nothing to do with any of this. But as a guy, you have it "easy" in that you can rely on very simple things in order to build yourself up. Women have nasty genes that inhibit weight loss for promoting childbirth (having a bit of fat makes you able to have children easier... nutrients and such). As a guy, all you need to worry about are the "Big Three": 1. Muscle Tone 2. Stamina and Energy 3. Weight and Overall Health

Muscle tone Muscle tone (tonus) is the electrical activity in the muscle. It is the passive activity in the muscle (along with metabolism) that has you ready to do work. In common slang though, it refers to having noticeable muscles through a combination of size and leanness (low body fat). Don't spread the myth of calling this toned, call that looking "defined". Stronger variations include 'sculpted' or 'chiseled' or 'ripped'. Gains in size can be acquired through myofibrilar hypertrophy (strength gains), sarcoplasmic hypertrophy (endurance gains), and through making sure your muscles are 'carbed up' because storing carbohydrates as glycogen pulls water into them, making them look full. Know your muscles

Your muscles are all over your body- not just in your chest, thighs, or biceps. This is a very important lesson, because much like a car, having one specific muscle insanely strong does not mean that your whole body will go better. Basically, you need to do everything, from your shoulders to your legs. For those of you who need a literal count, that means that the following muscles will have to, at some point in your routine, be "hit" by an exercise and developed:       

Shoulders and neck (deltoids and upper trapezius) Upper arms (biceps on front, triceps on back) Forearms (wrist flexors+extensors, finger flexors+extensors) Back (rhomboids, upper/mid/lower trapezius, lattismus dorsii) Chest (pectorals) Lower back (erector spinae) Ass (gluteus maximus)

 

Upper legs (hamstrings on back, quadriceps on front) Lower legs (gastrocnemius and soleus on back, tibialis anterior on front)

It sounds scary. There are an insane amount of muscles in your body, especially considering each one requires more than one exercise to fully develop. So how do you deal with this?

The answer is to develop a routine and stick to it. A routine is literally a schedule of what-youdo-when: some prefer doing different parts of the body on different days, some do everything and stagger it along the week. No matter what, the most important thing about a schedule is giving your body the exercise it needs, but giving it resting time so it does not kill itself trying to grow. A routine really depends on what you want in life. Let us take, for example, a really skinny person who wants to bulk up. Bulking up is hard, especially if you have a thin body (your body obviously wants to be that way). This means that his focus will be on eating some "power foods", hitting the main muscles with low repetitions but high weight, and giving himself plenty of rest and time to bulk up. But if you're a big guy looking to bulk up and slim down, you have almost the opposite job. You will do a lot of bulky weight lifting, but a bit more reps to give your muscles that extra edge, as they are probably ready to grow already. One important thing for most big people is eating right, due to the easy chance to gain weight as they build their muscles. That means a lot of vegetables and not much carbs or fat. This means you need to do research. Go out on a limb on some good weight lifting websites and read what they have to say on the subject. Build up an exercise plan. Stick to your guns. Once you have one, just get to it- don't let yourself get lazy or easily distracted. Sometimes, it is best to do all of this with an iPod or something, just to distract yourself and let yourself build the energy up. You won't become Hercules in a year, but you will definitely see improvement if you stick to it. Once you get this plan, find yourself a good place to go. By "go", I don't mean "get 10 pound weights and come home". The problem with such a thing is primarily mental- you are at home, you can get distracted easily. As well, you probably can't afford the thousands of dollars’ worth of muscle-straining equipment you need. Go to a big gym in your area- Gold's Gym, a smaller joint, a spa/sports club, or anything like that. Try to avoid places designed for women- you can go to those once you HAVE the muscles, then you can pick up women like a lint brush picks up lint.

Different kinds of routines In your average gym, everyone has their own routine or schedule they follow. In general, this is good- doing someone else's concept of an exercise setup can make you irritable and tired, and possibly not get you anywhere. With that being said, there are a few patterns as to different people and how they weight lift, and they sift out as follows:

The rep lifter

A rep lifter is someone who counts out his weight training in numbers, attaining higher numbers each time they do the same exercise (as in, you do better on Friday than you did on Monday). The advantage to this is that these lifters tend to get in more reps than most others- however, the disadvantage is that they can easily get into a "routine" where they never do anything stressful or truly muscle building. If you are a rep lifter (if you like counting out reps and such), your best option would be to keep a log of both how many reps you did, how many times, and how much weight you did. Increasing one of those numbers each week (generally the weight) is a way to build muscle. Just remember to not get into a "pattern" and get lazy. The dead ("Psycho") lifter

This is what a lot of weight lifters do, and what a lot of /b/tards themselves promote doing. The "Psycho" lifter, as some weight groups call it, is someone who weight lifts by the feeling, quitting upon a "dead" lift (that is, quitting when your muscles can literally not move the weight any longer). This tends to build muscles up the fastest and the hardest, and also makes the weight lifter the most sore and uncomfortable. The disadvantage to this is that lazier weight lifters have a tendency to just stop with one rep, thus doing nothing. That’s why it's insanely important to actually push yourself hard, and never ever stop unless you absolutely cannot move. The light lifter

This is something that should actually be avoided- a light lifter is someone who lifts light weights with a lot of repetitions, building what a lot of people call "lean muscle". This is only good for those looking to build a runner/swimmer physique, and in no way really constitutes an actual weight lifting regime. This is the kind of thing the majority of body building women do, purely because it is very light and easy, and puts minor pressure on any muscle at any given time. It should be noted that light lifting can be weight lifting, if you train with a 'dead lifter' mentality. You won't get the bulging muscles that a rep lifter gets, but you still get gains. For example, if you can lift 40 pounds somewhat easily, and do exercise with 20 pounds until you can't lift, you're going to get the same result. Ripped muscle heals, regardless of whether you rip it with 40 pounds or 20 pounds. Just a thought.

Avoid Avoid "Supplements", "Quick loss diets", and home weight machines One temptation a lot of people have is using powders and supplements to augment their exercise routine.

No. Much like snake oil, supplements and powders are generally useless. Many people will tell you that you should intake a ton of protein- which is true, except they may "forget" to tell you that the average American is already in taking enough for growth. This means that as long as you eat healthy and try to make sure you eat "good" food, having to drink a blend of whey and eggs will not really matter. This is really a bullshit scam to trick you into paying $5 a bottle for a shitty little joke of a drink. It is important to note that there are some good things you can do if you're looking to augment your diet (which is necessary the more you get into weight lifting). While the majority of lifters are adamantly against protein powder (mainly because it costs insane amounts of money), eating eggs and drinking lots of milk will actually help out. Some diet bars (such as the South Beach Diet bars put out by Kraft Foods) also tend to carry a large amount of protein, which are good pick-me-ups in various situations. But yes, the rule still stands- if someone at your gym is trying to make you buy some sort of crock bar or supplement, it's probably just because they're trying to make money off you. But hey, while we're on the subject, the weight lifting world is full of scams- and for good reason, it is by far one of the most competitive and hard-to-endure things there is. There are two other main ways that people try to scam potential body builders- namely, Quick Loss Diets and home weight machines. The former is basically what is marketed at old women 24/7- losing 60 pounds in a week or something. These diets, while they sound fancy and sophisticated, only really work with exercise. NEVER will you see these tests ("I lost 30 pounds with this diet and exercise!") tested against a control sample, meaning that the 30 pounds of the example I gave may have been 100% exercise and 0% diet. Just don't do it. The third and probably most tempting thing is the things known as home fitness machines, or whatever they call themselves now. From Nautilus to Bowflex, a ton of companies market these little strange contraptions to people, swearing to them they build muscle mass and burn weight. The secret is that they DO give you a workout, but not a complete one. The Bowflex is a good example of this, being one of the most limited of them all. As well, it tends to be very dangerous due to the lack of controlled movements. The truth is that if you want to do exercise, either get some real "Stack" weight machines and free weights, or go to a professional gym like Gold's Gym or a smaller joint. Those places tend to be more comprehensive, detailed, and definitely better- they usually even have fitness trainers to help you.

Stamina and energy Despite what anime or anything else tells you, you cannot gain energy by concentrating. That is not the way. So I, Java378, will tell you of my way. Why? I have had a 6-pack since 7th grade and am currently still growing in an age where most people are gaining useless weight.

Stamina the Java378 way. Like in video games, Stamina is like an energy bar. You have a set amount that can be used. This bar can be lengthened or recharged. The key to stamina is doing repetitions. Whether you are using weights or not, moving a part of your body will improve its function. Your heart (cardiovascular) will improve as you use each of these parts. You must also breathe. Take semideep breaths and release them. This is important. The more Oxygen your heart can pump, the greater chemical reactions will be in your body. This means you will gain more this way. The best part if you do not have any equipment is to do pushups. Guy pushups. This is done usually by placing your hands shoulder length on the floor. Extend your legs behind yourself and keep your feet together. Lower your Upper Body to the floor until your chin is close to the ground. Lift your upper body back up. Follow this plan. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

Make up a number from 1-10. Do this number of pushups in a row. Get on 4chan. Do the number of pushups you did in a row+1. ????? Profit! Repeat.

You will be able to impress most chicks when you can do 40 in a row and 80-100 a day. You won't have big muscles that are highly visible, but you will be able to fight well.

Weight and Overall Health Weight and overall health really comes back down to the basics: diet, exercise, hygiene and not being a fucking idiot. Most of this is review, but it must still be covered. It's suppressing how many people fail at the above criteria. This must be said: IT IS YOUR FAULT, NOBODY ELSE'S THAT YOU'RE A DISGUSTING, FAT, TUB OF FILTH COVERED LARD. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, YOU FUCKING LARDHEAP. That said, weight is tied to genetics, but that doesn't mean that you have an excuse to be a disgusting tub of shit. Those who are naturally more heavy set will find that it is practically impossible to get the definition they want, but far easier to gain muscle mass, and retain it. This also means that you'll lean down a bit, and not make people want to vomit on the mere sight of your bare chest. So, moral of the story, nobody wants to hear you bitch and moan about being fat and ugly. Do something about it. Diet is important, and it's one of the things most often mistreat. Protip: the food pyramid is right. Grains such as rice and bread hold complex carbohydrates, which give you energy without adding an excess of weight. They'll give you energy and move you along the day (Atkins died of his own diet because of this. Not eating carbs is the most retarded thing on the planet). Protein

will help you build muscle, don't eat a steak every night unless you're lifting weights or being otherwise active, because most meats have a healthy dose of fat as well. Fruits and veggies give you fiber, simple sugars and a massive payload of other needed minerals. Eat them. Simple sugars that you can find in most processed foods are bad. Very bad. They are a crap source of energy, and add weight. A chocolate bar is good every now and again, but not every meal, dumb ass. This is all basic nutritional crap, and really, the one tool I have to help you is this: moderation. As long as you stop eating, you won't need to worry so much about what you're eating. Protip: Stop eating before you're full. It takes the stomach about 15 minutes to tell your brain that it no longer needs food. That means if you're eating until you're full, you're eating about 15 minutes of food you don't have to be. An important note is that if you are weightlifting, as mentioned above, your metabolism will probably shoot through the roof. This is normal. The temptation for some people is to cut back on a lot of food when weight lifting, which will send their body right into "Crash" mode. The concept here is to cut back- but simply eat lots of what is healthy and forgo what is bad for you. Eating a lot of wheat bread and fruit is not going to kill you, and if your body is still hungry after a long day of exercise, just go for it. Doing otherwise will hinder muscle growth, make you feel like shit, and tear your body apart. Exercise. This is important. It is suggested that you elevate your heart rate for about 30 minutes EVERY SINGLE DAY. Fapping doesn't count. that means you'll have to get up and move around a little every day. Running, swimming, lifting weights, martial arts, sex (You'll never have sex). These are all good examples of how to do this. I'd suggest about an hour to help regulate your weight, or to help out your endurance. Cardio, cardio for the simple shit. If you're going for bulk, start lifting. Another good way to promote healthy activity in your life is to find a sport you like. I know for a lot of people trying something new is scary, and it is. I remember when I was 13 I decided I liked Hockey enough to play it. My first season I fell the whole year and just got back up over and over until I got it. The whole key to sports is having the will to play. In every area there are leagues for most sports. So you probably can find a nice place to go and play. No only will this keep you healthier, it will introduce you to new people, and I know most of the Legion could use a friend or two. These probably belong elsewhere, but hell, you need a good reminding. Another good way to keep healthy is to not be a filthy little bastard. These means washing your hands after taking a piss, it means not eating off the floor. This means that you take standard precautionary steps towards basic cleanliness that the majority of unhealthy people just ignore. Stop it. One last thing. Don't be a fucking idiot. You know that not wearing a rubber is a bad idea when you're with somebody you don't know; now throwing some paper down on that public restroom seat. It's probably not too clean. You know that hundreds of people use doors and other shit you touch with your hands over and over again (1 out of 6 people will masturbate and not wash his

hands afterwards...think about that). Wash your hands regularly to avoid spreading contagion and other gross shit like that. Just think about crap, and stop eating gum off the bottom of chairs.

Aerobic exercise Aerobic exercise is a must for anyone who is attempting to follow some sort of exercise plan. Not only does aerobic exercise have many obvious health benefits, most notably in the cardiovascular system (No more heart attacks or high blood pressure), it has a good number of side benefits. In regards to your exercise plan, it can help you with your weight training. It's usually a good strategy to wait at least one day after lifting to lift again, and it's very easy to do aerobic exercises that day. Also, if you learn to work through the pain and burn during a strenuous aerobic exercise, the increased pain tolerance can help you push yourself during weight training. In addition, aerobic exercise will help you just in everyday life. Most notably, you'll be more attractive; you'll lose weight. Like it or not, most people prefer skinny to fat. Also, being able to walk up a flight of stairs or run after the bus without losing your breath is a very nice thing. Starting aerobic exercise

For those of you who already do aerobic exercise, such as running, swimming, or whatever, good. Stick with it. Keep pushing yourself to go farther faster. However, for those of you anons who are currently kind of fat, and can't outrun most twelve year olds (which I imagine is the larger portion of anon), starting aerobic exercise can be kind of daunting. Well, I'll try to lay out for you a good system for finally starting. Also, try to find a running partner. It's much easier to stick to your exercise if you exercise with someone. Also, it's more fun. Baby steps

The first couple weeks are going to be the worst. They're the ones where you're most likely to give up. Also, I imagine they're the ones when your most likely to have a heart attack or stroke. With those facts in mind, the theme of the first couple weeks is pretty much to not bite off more than you can chew. While treadmills do have their drawbacks (expensive, not very fun), they are actually pretty useful for someone who's trying to start running. They're a great way to pace yourself, something a beginning runner isn't very good at himself yet. That's why I recommend using a treadmill when you first start. If you have one, or can get to one, great. However, you might need to go find a gym membership to access a treadmill. Go for it. You'll be able to meet some attractive people there, and most gyms have personal trainers who can help you out once you graduate my little beginner course. So, the first time you go running, you're going to suck at it. Your form is going to be terrible, you'll get winded quickly, and you won't go very fast. Sure does suck to be fat. So, here's my little routine for the first couple weeks, to help you ease into it.

 

  

Walk for 2 minutes. Yep, walk. Not a slow walk though, a nice brisk walk. Run for 2 minutes. The speed's going to very different, depending on how in shape you are. Go with what feels good for you. Go fast enough that you don't feel like your jogging, but slow enough that you aren't sprinting. This is where a treadmill comes in handy, because you can experiment with different speeds, and once your find yours, it can help make sure you stick to it and don't slow down as you tire. Walk for 2 minutes. Same speed as before. Once again, the treadmill helps make sure you walk briskly, and don't just stumble along at half a mile an hour. Run for 2 minutes. Keep repeating until you've gone a couple miles.

Walk for a few more minutes after this. A cool down is very important in aerobic exercise, possibly even more so than warming up. As you run, the blood starts flowing faster, and valves all over your body open wider to allow it to flow. If you stop, your body realizes this, and the valves shrink back down. However, your blood's still moving. Which means it kind of piles up at those valves, especially in your legs. This can make you lightheaded, or even cause bigger problems. Keep walking until your heart slows down.

Now, as the first couple weeks progress, increase the difficulty of this exercise. Walk for 2, run for 4, walk for 2, run for 4. Etc. Also, you might up the total distance you go. Running

Now, you're kind of a runner. Kind of. You could, if you wanted, just go run. Warm up, run your normal running speed for a few miles, warm down. Rinse, repeat, profit. This kind of running is important, but it's boring, and won't help you progress very much. Now's a good time to go running outside. Go find a park or something, and run there. Not only is it more fun, but any hills that might be there can help challenge you. Here's some other running routines you can use, now that you're in the groove of things. 

Run a mile your normal running speed. Then, try to run a mile as fast as you can. Repeat. The first time, you'll probably over-exert yourself and fail. Keep trying. This exercise helps you learn to pace yourself. Also, it will increase your base speed. If you always run the same speed, you won't speed up very much. If you push yourself, you can increase your speed much more noticeably. Run your usual distance, but go a little slower than usual. Then, at the end, try to run a fast mile. You'll feel like your dying, but push through. This exercise really helps you learn to work through the pain, and helps give you that extra end push you'll need if you ever run a marathon or minimarathon.

Sports and consequences

As you know, sport means effort, effort means strain, and strain can be bad. Now there are some sports that are worse than others on certain things, but better on others. Here is a list of sports and what they do to you, but do keep in mind that every sport over practiced is dangerous on the long run (no pun intended): 

Swimming: o Overall the best and most damage-less sport, since it consists in doing the same move you'd do in your everyday life, but with an increased fluid resistance, it will not be dangerous for your joints. Running, Football(soccer), etc. any sport involving running: o Not a bad sport, pretty efficient, but does put an increased strain on your knees and ankles, so (much) later you may experiences pain in these areas. Rugby, Football (American): o these will simply fuck every part of your body up, the shocks, runs, confrontations will use your spine, legs, and most of your bones. Your brain may even be affected, but that's because you'll get dumb, not just because of the shocks. Biking: o Will strain your knees, back if you're mis-positioned, ankles if you're pedaling the way one should, elbows and wrists if there are many bumps. Computing (no that's no sport I just want to tell you how bad it is): o Will fuck your wrists up (carpal tunnel), your back (most likely), and every muscle in your body will melt.

Consistency Also, you can't be so dang lazy and do lesser everytime you excercise. Then you'll be the lazy faggot you were from the start. Once you start for your first time, start slow, then over time do a little more. I don't mean lifting more and more until you can lift a thousand pounds or a car, just until you get into a good routine, not doing less.

Manners Everyone needs to get out of their house eventually. Unless you're some sort of schizophrenic person who orders all his stuff online, you need to go places to get food, supplies, or even just to enjoy yourself.

Walking The Walk When you're walking down the street, inside a store, etc, there are a few rules you need to keep in mind. 1. Walk at a reasonable pace. No one likes to be stuck behind a person that is shuffling down the sidewalk at a pace that would make a snail blush. 2. Unless it's cold out, don't walk with your hands inside your pockets. It looks shifty.

3. Do not walk with only one hand in your pocket, the other swaying at your side. You won't look shifty, but you will look like a tool. 4. Straighten up and keep your eyes on the horizon, or at least where you want to go. If you have a terrible posture and stare at the ground when you walk, you do come off as strange. Plus you can't ogle the free boobs that come by you occasionally. Broaden your shoulders and walk confidently. 5. If the sidewalk is crowded and someone is coming toward you, step to the right in the USA, Canada, Mainland Europe, any country that drives on the right, or the left, if in the UK, South Africa, any country that drives on the left. 6. If you come up to a person that doesn't walk too fast (Old ladies, small children, teenagers with their pants at their ankles.) Try to walk around them without elbowing through them. 7. Don't pay attention to bums on the street. Don't give them cigarettes, change, food, etc. However, help out in certain circumstances, like the old war vet whose motorized scooter ran out of batteries. 8. If you're a friendly person, when a person passes you, there are a few options you have: o Nod and smile -Say "Good morning/afternoon/evening" -If you like to show a bit of vintage class, tip your hat. This has more magnitude when confronted with a female. NOTE: This is restricted to only when a person is coming at you, when you can make eye contact. If you cannot make eye contact, do not say anything.

Standing In Line You're not going to be the only one in a store that wishes to buy something. If it’s in a grocery or Best Buy, you need to follow the rules. 1. Give people some space. If you can give them a bear hug without taking a step or leaning in, you're standing too close. 2. Unless you have a head cold, breathe through your nose. No one likes to feel a warm breeze on the backs of their necks. 3. Don't make conversation unless someone is talking to you. 4. For God's sake, don't fidget. No foot tapping, chewing fingernails, sucking in the snot in your nose, adjusting yourself, etc. 5. Make sure you don't stink. (See Grooming guide) I personally hate it to be behind a person that has killer BO. 6. Pay attention. Keep in mind when someone goes ahead of you so you can keep the line moving. 7. Don't stare at anyone if they can notice it. Keep your gaze moving, skip it around the ceiling, around the shelves, etc. 8. No talking or muttering to yourself. 9. No singing, you can hum softly, but that's it. 10. No whistling. 11. Get your shit together. As you stand in line, get your wallet out and make sure you don't have to fumble around in your pants for a minute to get it out.

12. No messing around with what you're buying. No flipping it around, tossing it from hand to hand.

Conversing With Others It's a little strange for a person to not say anything when they pay for something at a store. If you're really shy or can't talk to people that well, there are some basic rules you have to follow. 1. Speak properly. Unless you are not speaking in your native language(and in which case you might want to apologize in advance for slaughtering a language) it is unforgivable to speak improperly, and can be annoying to those with whom you are chatting; lolspeak, for example, is just one wonderful way of being ignored and/or beaten up. 2. Be polite. Say 'Thank you' or 'Have a good day/evening' as you walk away. 3. Greet them. As you walk up to a register, for example, you could say "Hello". 4. Ask them about their day. Not a full in depth question, something simple like "How're you doing?" or "How's your day?" You'll get a one-word answer like "Good", but it’s a nice thing to do. 5. Smile. o Being nice to cashiers is one way of being served well; most cashier jobs are shitty, repetitive, low-paying, have a lot of responsibilities to be borne, pressure, and all other kind of chicken shit you can think of so that the store makes more money on the sweat of the low ranked personnel's brow (mostly in big stores though). So cashiers kind of have it bad (and I know it I'm one), and a nice customer is a ray of sun in a store of darkness. 6. If someone asks you for the time/for directions/, again, be nice. And if you don't know how to get there, admit it. Don't give them bullshit directions. 7. Know what you want. If someone asks you "Want fries with that?" or something to that effect, don't sit there drooling trying to decide. Rule of thumb, use about five seconds in your decision. If by that time you haven't decided, respond with the path of least effort on both parties.

Eating At A Restaurant If it’s simply a McDonalds or a sit-down restaurant like TGI Friday's, there some rules so you don't come off as an asshole and get your food spit on. 1. Be nice to your waiter/waitress. They're usually busting their ass trying to make a living, and they don't need to have another asshole on their hands. 2. Smile and thank them when they bring you the menu. 3. In fact, thank them whenever they do something for you. Taking your order, taking the menu, refilling your coffee, etc. 4. Speak up when you say your order. Don't mumble out what you want, enunciate clearly. 5. Don't be a slob with your food. Don't slurp the soup, chew with your mouth open, etc. Stuff that little kids have already nailed should not apply to you. Sit up straight, bring the utensil to your mouth, not vice versa.

6. Most waiters/waitresses rely on tips to get them through the week. Most state minimum wages for tipped workers are lower than that of non-tipped waiters/waitresses. They are tipped for a reason. A 15% tip won't kill you, and you will be sure to receive good service next time you eat there. 7. Be patient. If the restaurant is busy, they might not get to you as fast as you might hope. Don't start shouting at them to hurry up, they have other people to attend to other than you. 8. If anything spills or breaks, don't get too worked up over it, and don't try to take advantage of the situation either. If they offer your meal free, take it. Don't demand your next five meals free of charge. 9. Don't cause a fuss. Even if there's an annoying kid at a nearby table, or some irritating teen girls trying to be "cool", (despite your daydreams) going over there will just make you look like a jackass and cause problems.

At The Theater 1. Try and sit about 7 seats away from another person, and if you're tall, don't sit in front of a person if there's room otherwise. However, if the theater is crowded, you might not have a choice. 2. If you're meeting a group of people there, don't be late. Nobody likes having to rush to buy popcorn and drinks, and you won't get good seats. 3. The best place to sit is in the middle, between the third and fourth sets of surround-sound speakers. Just for future reference. 4. Turn your goddamn cell phone off or put it on vibrate. If you absolutely have to take a call, leave the theater and talk outside. 5. Don't talk to people. They're just trying to enjoy the movie. 6. Don't make a mess with your food. Someone else has to clean that up. 7. Throw away your shit as you leave, don't just leave it there. 8. Allow other people by when you're on your way out. 9. Try not to go to the theater by yourself. It creeps people out seeing some nerdy guy alone in a children's movie.

Bad Habits       

Scratching your ass/balls/any part of your body in public Plucking snot in public Fidgeting of any sort Yawning during lame conversations For smokers: smoking around hordes of nonsmokers, its their air too, granted some of them are douchebags about it. Littering NOT TIPPING (Unless the service really, really sucked, or you're in Iceland, or Japan since the Japanese don’t tip). THIS IS COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO BUSTED HIS ASS WAITING TABLES FOR A WHOLE SUMMER. If you don't tip, we will remember you, be prepared to try our special ingredients the next time you come.

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Being a loudmouth Talking loudly on your cellphone in a quiet environment Getting involved with others problems, seriously it's annoying to have to deal with "Oh yeah, I've had that happen too! IT SUCKS SOOOOO BAD! LOLOLOLOL!" or anything else coming from some 16 year old girl. Bitching a lot. No one, i repeat, NO ONE wants to hear your shit. If your parents divorced, don't be bitch, if that’s what they want, that’s what they should get. If you suck at life, become an hero, just STFU about it.

Don't let these statements escape your mouth 

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"G.W.Bush is right", "George Bush is Wrong", "Go Nader", or pretty much anything else involving politics unless you are prepared to back up your statements with reasoned arguments "In god I trust" or anything else pertaining to religion. Period. Any meme, or references to /b/ "LOL XD, so I was totally like in the house LOL..." I'm going to do something with my life, you know be someone..."

Eating Intro I used to get the looks. You know what I am talking about. People look at you when you walk by or enter a room and give you this look of contempt, of disgust, of repulsion. When you walk a flight of stairs, your head becomes a ripe Dutch tomato, and you're almost collapsing. You have to sit down to avoid a blackout. Now you look like a sardine in a tin box: rolls of fat are stretching your clothing. You can't turn to any side because your body fat is blocking your muscle movement. You can barely face someone when they talk to you, because you're ashamed of yourself. Everyone takes notice of you, but not in the way you would like. You don't have any emotional relationships, scared of hurting someone with your massive body. Instead of enjoying it, your body is the way. Food is the only refuge. It makes you feel good. No one can tell you what and how much you should eat. Finally home. Time to eat, time to feel good. Eat. Feel Good. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. The first step towards becoming a well-cultured Anonymous: Don't lie to yourself. I hope that by the end of this page, you'll understand that the only person that can change you is yourself. It's not your parents, it's not your personal trainer, it's not peers, it's not your pet, it's not McDonalds, it's not the Internet, it's not your car. Only you can change yourself. It's hard to come to grips with that. I know, because I went through the same delusions. I lied to myself. I blamed my weight problems on my mother's cooking. Later I realized that it's me who took seconds, it's me who lifted the spoon to my mouth, it's me who chewed, and it's me who swallowed. My mother didn't do these things. I did.

This guide won't change you. There's only so much advice to be dispensed from a wiki trolled by a couple of /b/tards. You can take this advice to heart and still not change. It's up to you to do.

Dieting Your body is a machine. You take in food and drink and your body breaks it down into energy to make you function. If you are more interested, Wikipedia has a detailed discussion of this process [1]. Energy contents of food stuff is measured in kilojoules. Every person requires a different amount. It depends (roughly) on genetics, gender, build, height, age, and rate of metabolism. You are fat because your intake is higher than your burn rate. So basically, you need to cut down more on your intake. That usually means eating healthier foods... to most people. Technically, whether a food is "healthy" or not, it contains a certain energy content that your body will take and store as fat. You must simply input less energy (if you only match your needs, you'll remain the same weight, not lose any.) One might say you're just a big-assed rubber bag. You have to eat healthy if you want to lose the pounds. I don't expect the average /b/tard to completely change the way they eat. You don't need to go Granola-Fag to get healthy, it's just about making the right choices. This means making yourself a real dinner at night instead of going to get fast food. It means cooking a well-balanced meal with protein, veggies, a portion of carbs, and something to drink THAT'S NOT SODA. It's about making the right choices for what you’re going to eat. It means not going for the greasy mushroom swish with onion rings/ Fries and a Coke for lunch, and instead going for that Chicken Caesar wrap. It means eating a small healthy breakfast with some fruit and a muffin instead of going with a Egg McMuffin and hash browns. Also, don't try too hard to begin with. Starting a crazy diet, and quitting after a week achieves nothing. There's actually a really simple diet that you can do. Let me explain it. Right now, your weight is pretty stable. If this is the case, your caloric intake and burn rate must be pretty comparable. Now, let's say you start eating a tenth less food. Now, your caloric intake is 9/10 of your caloric burn rate. You'll lose some weight. Now, you won't lose all of your fat, but you'll lose some. One step at a time. This is a really easy diet too. Eat the exact same foods as normal, just eat less of them. Leave a few fries behind, get the Whopper instead of the Double Whopper, etc. Now, this isn't the ideal goal diet, but it's a nice stepping stone into the dieting world. It is important to remember when dieting that cutting back on foods does not mean skipping meals, not eating regularly will do damage to your body's metabolic rate and you will find that no matter how much effort you put into exercising you will not be losing weight as your body hastily stores the energy taken in through eating in fat, unsure of when it will next get a supply. Most dietitians recommend eating 5 meals a day, the standard 3 and 2 snacks in between, each of which should be consumed approximately 3 hours apart. By eating more regularly you avoid overeating due to excessive hunger, keep your metabolism working more efficiently, and allow the body to process energy better.

What To Eat.. And What Not To Eat

The easiest way to learn how to eat is to learn what not to eat. The whole problem with the majority of the world (See: America) is that we have gotten used to eating certain foods, confused as to what is "healthy" and what is not. Your average person associates foods such as white bread with healthiness- even though White Bread is the worst kind of bread you can eat. So, what is bad for you? Stay Away From... 

Sodas and "Soft Drinks"

Sodas and soft drinks are probably the fastest way to fatten yourself up. Full of sugar and carbs, even diet sodas can mess with your body. For you southerners, sweet iced tea is pretty bad for you; not only does the sugar in it make you fat, the tannins in the tea if consumed regularly can give you kidney stones. If you don't like the feeling of having your kidneys pulled through your peehole, cut back on it. Instead, go for sugar free flavored water or something- you need to avoid heavy sugar intake. Milk is great to have around, as it's not only incredibly good for you, but can be used in a variety of other things. 

Candy and Desserts

Sugar was generally discovered by the majority of the world during the Colonization of America. And, no surprise, people began to get fat at that very point. Candy and Deserts are absolute no-nos. Some are okay (The occasional cookie or candy bar), but eating them on any kind of regular basis is detrimental. It makes you fat and ruin your teeth in ways you only thought possible on television. 

Refined Flours

Refined Flours are flours that have been processed and bleached, removing the majority of "good" carbs and injecting it with bad. That especially includes "white flour", which is used in sandwich bread, most baking products (pie crusts, etc), and crackers. Stay away. Pillsbury and other companies make pretty damn good real wheat breads. Use those instead. Another alternative are multi-grain breads and rye breads, including Jewish rye. The best part of a ham sandwich on Jewish rye is the irony, trust me. The extra fiber from these breads will also keep your bowels in good shape. 

"Heavy" Meats and Cheeses

Eating too much cheese or meat or other products along those lines is problematic, especially when fried or otherwise coated in something fattening. Eating meat and cheese is healthy, just not in excess. Remember to keep track of how many different "fats" are in a meat or cheese (Saturated, etc.). Generally the more processed something is, the more crap is in it. 

Some "Meal Bars" and Diet Drinks

These actually contain an assload of sugar. Stay away. And Eat A Fuckton Of... 

Lean Meat

Lean meat is anything that has been slimmed down, the fat removed. You can even do this by hand by taking a sharp knife and just slicing off the extra fat. Lean meat is filling, full of protein, and doesn't put on much weight at all. 

White Meats

A general Rule of Thumb about meats, is that the smaller the animal it comes from, the healthier it is for you. (Some exceptions are made, but in general the rule holds). So in the grander scheme of things, you will notice that meats range from unhealthy to healthy in this order: Beef, pork, lamb, chicken, fish, and shellfish. What do you see to the latter parts of the list? They're all white meat. Fish contain a fuckton of proteins as well, as well as omega-3-fatty acids, which prevents memory problems later in life, plus fish is delicious, and not fattening at all. Shellfish contain a fuckton of zinc, (mostly oysters actually) which is necessary for men to maintain a healthy sex drive. Eat some oyster, fap, repeat. Protip: If you're eating bird, like chicken, make an effort and don't eat the skin. It's basically made out of cholesterol and clogs up your arteries overtime. 

Wheat Bread

Wheat bread is VERY filling, and it doesn't even touch you so far as fat goes, as it has complex carbs. Munch away. 

Dried Fruit

It's a lot better than it sounds- and it's very healthy. Stick with things like dates and apricots, and only occasionally dip into the high sugar area of dried pineapple and mango slices, or the high fat area of dried banana slices. Judge accordingly. 


Yeah, they're hard to eat for us too. Generally they can be made palatable through boiling, healthy toppings, or a variety of sauces (again aim for the healthy side). Good cheap veggies include carrots (big and finger size), broccoli, asparagus (or better yet fuck both of those and go with the Hybrid BroccoliAsparagus), peas, cauliflower, and those prepackaged bags of salad at the grocery store. 

Nuts and Berries (And NO Cream) (Including Granola mixes)

So long as there is no added sugar, nuts, berries, and granola mixes are incredibly filling and lean. This is the perfect snacking food.

Sugar Free Drinks

From sugar free lemonade to sugar free Tang, it's an all-you-can-drink buffet (just make sure you avoid some "artificial sugars". Not all of them are bad for you, but there are certain types which quite possibly could be less than healthy for you. Research and read the ingredients list if you're paranoid). Also, if you look hard enough, you can find some pretty good store made stuff (Such as Arizona Diet Green Tea with Honey and Ginseng). If you’re willing to spend a lot of money, "Natural drinks" at "health" stores can be a great way to get your drink on (so long as you don't fool yourself into buying over-priced goods). That said, you should check the nutrition label beforehand, because even those healthy looking tea drinks can hide a shitload of calories. 

Eggs and Milk

This is really good, especially if you're into bodybuilding. Never eat too much- but a little each day is the perfect energy boost that never touches your waistline. 

Green Tea

Green tea is really fucking good for you. Not only does it have many health benefits such as anti-cancer, anti-aging, and anti-Alzheimer's properties, it is also good for your skin, and keeps your metabolism running at an all-time high, enabling more fat burn. Proof: there are substantially fewer fat fucks in Asia than there are in America, and they eat babies and other shit Americans would consider fattening. 

For The Of-Age /B/tards: Red Wine

Wine has a very rich history and perhaps even richer variety, its hard to find two wines that taste exactly the same, and even in the same label, each year's wine will taste different from another year's. Simply put - you cannot be a cultured Anonymous without knowing at least a thing or two about wine. Read more books about it to learn more. Red wine in particular is filled with anti-oxidants and tannins. Both of these are really fucking good for your heart. Just look at French people, I know, I know, they're a bunch of war losing pussies but think about it, the French are known for being heavy smokers, and eat more meat and cheeses than Americans do, and yet, their annual rate for heart disease is paradoxically low. This is not a coincidence as French people produce and consume an ungodly amount of wine per year.

Easy Stress-Free Ways to Cut Down On The Pounds One of the hardest things to do in dieting is to cut foods you love. Well, there are some easy substitutes you can pull off to get around those nasty little splurges, as well as curb your appetite. Try some of these replacements if you ever feel in the need: 

Stay away from fast food, all of it is terrible for you and I shouldn't even have to tell you this. Even Subway, whose commercials spout its healthiness, can be as bad as McDonald's unless you get your sandwich without mayo and cheese (in which case it may be worthwhile).

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Avoid artificial sweeteners and "Diet" sodas like the plague. Though many believe that they are "better" for you, they actually take longer to be broken down in your body. If your going to have a soda or sweeten your iced tea, have a regular soda or use normal sugar. Drink at least 2 quarts of water a day, not including drinks at meals. Water weight is a large part of fat for most people. Convince your body that you have enough water and the water weight goes away. Replace chips and dip with Triscuits and Hummus. Hummus is a bean-like dip that tastes damn good and has no high level of fat. Your friends will make fun of you, but it's good all the same. Eat Thin Crust pizza rather than hand tossed. Thin crust has about 10 grams of fat less per slice, making it actually pretty healthy for you. Don't drink alcohol. No, seriously. Alcohol is very fattening, especially beer. You can exploit women better when you're sober anyway. More simply, alcohol will be burned before fat when your body needs to do an effort, so the more alcohol in your blood, the less fat will go away. But you will be sober. Use wheat pasta rather than normal pasta. It tastes the same, and it doesn't have the bad carbs. Try to buy organic things. Organic sauces such as Spaghetti Sauce have less sugar, and are thus healthier. It's not like they're sweet anyway. Try to avoid game food such as Duck (Rabbit, however, is a completely fat free meat, eat away). They are much fattier. You only run into them in fancy restaurants- and though they are good, they are incredibly fatty. You won't be eating much of these foods anyway, trust me. Stop eating ramen and Cup Noodles. They contain an insane amount of fat. Rather, go for spaghettis or leaner stuff, which are just as filling and up to five times less fattening. And ease up on the butter and olive oil when you cook the noodles. Don't eat crackers with soup or salads. Even Saltine crackers contain fat. Skip the Fries or Onion Rings when you get a fatty meal. If you're going to have something unhealthy, don't kill yourself entirely while doing it. Eat before you go to the grocery store. You will have less incentive to buy fatty foods. Eat before you to go to parties or on a date. You will have less incentive to chow down, and more incentive to talk. Make your own lunch for work/school/others. not only can it be cheaper, but at least you choose what you will eat and you can monitor what's in it, while some selfs have some evil food in stock for you. Never keep enough cash on you to buy some junk food, sometimes having money makes you want to buy something, and if your stomach happens to be insulting you, you'll get some crap.

Further reading The Hacker's Diet

Getting Cultured The reason this book exists.

General Culture So, you've cleaned up everything else. You've got a handle on your manners, your clothes, and your diet. What else needs fixing? Your hobbies.

Developing broader interests Some cheap ways to become a more balanced and refined Anonymous 

Be Curious - curiosity is your one way ticket to knowledge, and to culture, just fight your fear of the unknown, and try. You'll learn a freaking lot about many things just by being curious and asking a few questions, people love to talk about what they know. Read more - not just your usual trashy fantasy and bad sci-fi, but mainstream fiction and nonfiction. You'll probably even like it. Neal Stephenson, Irvine Welsh, Nick Hornby and Kurt Vonnegut are good writers to start with and have a tinge of the /b/ sense of humor about them. Short story collections (like the kind used in creative writing classes) are also a great way to discover stuff you like. Between your local used bookstore and Amazon you can stock up on interesting reading material for very little. Having normal books around improves your image and makes your geekiness less threatening. If you are in to the human transcendence thing (becoming more and more in vogue, and Anonymous could think of worse ideas to gain popularity), go read Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson. This book will help you understand yourself, and perhaps as importantly, help you understand other people. Reading the classics never hurt anyone as well - there are masterpieces out there, things everyone can relate to, such as Herman Melville's Moby-Dick, or Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Stuff that's surprisingly fun to read, and an amazing cultural reference point. Or you could just watch the movies. Draw more - it's a good hobby to pick up if you can't. You'll suck at first, but get the fuck over it and keep going. Drawing pads and pencils, charcoal, pastel, etc. cost very little and last a long time. There are plenty of books to help (Drawing On The Right Side Of The Brain is as good a start as any), but the only way to get any good is to keep practicing. Learn to appreciate art - Art is everywhere and shit. Understanding and appreciating it will set you apart from losers and make you feel better about your understanding of the world as a whole. get an art history book and flip through it to get a feel for various styles impressionism, surrealism, neoclassicism etc. while looking at a work, ask yourself a couple questions, like o "What's going on here?" o "What visual evidence do I have?" o "What feeling is the artist trying to evoke from me?" o "What is the artist trying to say to me?" o Learn the following terms as they relate to art: Form, line value, shape, texture, color, value, harmony, variety, unity, balance, proportion, dominance, movement, and economy. Learn to Cook - cooking is a sexy skill. Find a cookbook you like (Anonymous recommends The Joy Of Cooking by Rombauer & Becker, as well as On Food and Cooking by Harold McGee, which is like a cookbook/food reference guide for nerds.) and

test out some simple recipes to start. As you get better you can experiment, but to begin stick to the recipes as written. This is especially something to look into if the purpose of this exercise in self-improvement is to do better with women. Women love their food, most would be content to eat themselves unattractive and once they're married a hell of a lot do. If you've got cooking skills you're set for life, as not only will an attractive women be more willing to come round to your place if you offer to cook her a meal, but should you ever wish to settle down and get married, if you've got control over what she eats then you can prevent her from fulfilling what seems to be all married women's ambition of becoming a fucking goblin. Write - All you need to become a writer is to have something to say and a way to say it (an opinion and a form of media). Whether you write it in a blog post, on a random piece of paper, or contribute to The Well-Cultured Anonymous, writing is a great talent and can lead to you getting familiarized with a broader spectrum of words, phrases, and slang terminologies. This comes in handy during conversation. Writing will also help you with women. Every woman loves it when a guy can write a poem to her, no matter how shit it is. If you can tell her that her eyes are like stardust in iambic pentameter, she will stab her best friend in the face for a chance to sleep with you. Shakespeare can help you here, read the romance scenes in Twelfth Night or something. Just ignore Romeo and Juliet, that shit is contrived and you know it. Play music - let's face it, everyone loves music, trust me that even if you suck at it, girls loves to see a guy playing the guitar (just taking classes is enough). Just make sure you are actually getting better, it doesn't matter how slow you are at learning, as long as you are, many girls will be interested in hearing you playing the guitar even if you can only play the first part of Smoke on The Water , but remember to keep practicing, just like in Mega Man, the more you practice, the better you'll become. For someone who's never played a guitar in their lives, it's actually a lot easier than you probably think. It's something that everybody is capable of so long as they put in the practice, and eventually it'll become like a habit to practice every day. You can buy a cheap acoustic guitar for $100 when you are starting out (do NOT start out with an electric, as it will not make your fingers any stronger, and will teach you bad habits if you ever want to get into acoustic. Start with something easy, yet something that you've heard enough times that it shall interest you, and teach yourself to play most of it, like Stairway to Heaven. Guitars are considered the coolest instrument by your average musically apathetic women, they're attracted to the fantasy of their own rock star. Whilst you may find other instruments cool, from personal experience I've found that most women only ever completely enjoy your mad violin skills once you've shown you can use a guitar too. So if you're getting into music for image, anonymous suggests going for a guitar as a first instrument. They're also the most commonly used instrument, so once you get good you'll have a chance to show your worth should some prick whip out his guitar and try to attract all the female attention. Don't boast about your musical skills either, that way you won't look like a poser when it turns out you're not as good as you've made yourself out to be and it'll look even more impressive if it turns out you can play like a devil. Don't rely on being able to play a mean guitar to win over the ladies though. Unless you're in a band who often does public gigs it definitely isn't a ticket to funky town, but it helps impress them and helps you one up non-musicians, and avoids you from being one up'd by other musicians. Women who play musical instruments (particularly guitar or other string instruments - nobody gives a crap about your clarinet) are however onto a major winner as most women seem to do fuck all other than look good, talk for hours,

shop, etc. so if you have that special niche of playing music guys will definitely be interested. Enjoy Fine Cinema - Let us all face it: Some movies you just cannot go through life without watching, such as Taxi Driver, Saturday Night Fever, The Godfather, Reservoir Dogs, The Wall and Pulp Fiction. These movies make such good cultural reference points, and you will seem like an uncultured bitch if you haven't seen at least some of those. As an added bonus, watching documentaries, particularly environmental, military and political documentaries, will make you seem like an intellectual and educated anon - regardless of whether that is true. Tinker - Tinkering is your basic skill to surviving, if you put two people on a desert island, one who knows his way around things, and the other who's been spending his life calling customer service, you can be assured that one will live much longer than the other. Tinkering will make your whole life easier and faster. Fixing things by yourself will also make you think about how stuff works and you will learn and get smarter. It also is a sexy skill, for many women will think you just fixed their "life and death" issue in the blink of an eye, and you'll be a hero. That's also why SMB still exist, because all women get horny just hearing them ya-hoo!-ing. Frankly, even if you can't make much conversation with it, it'll always be a good thing, helping friends and yourself, you will look/be much better than you objectively are. o Some may say that tinkering isn't culture that it is too practical and not enough knowledge, but tinkering will give you a good knowledge of materials, processes of working them, processes of working on them, etc. If you're not too much of an idiot and are a little curious, you will learn many things by just asking "how is this done?"

Why bother? Let's face it, geek stuff doesn't give you much common ground with other people. Hell, the sheer life span of most geeky shit (for example, your average YTMND joke) is too short to bank your personality on. If you add to your range of interests, you'll be able to talk to more people, and statistically fifty percent of those people are women. The more you know that you don't feel ashamed to talk about, the less you'll feel awkward in conversation. And then hopefully you'll be reading Sex for a reason. Please note that this doesn't mean you should stop being interested in the things you already like. You don't have to give up your anime and your /b/ surfing, just tack some other interests on so you don't seem so single-minded. But let's face it- culture is sexy. Culture is the kind of thing that very few people have. When you can listen to a Wagner composition and enjoy it just as much as you do "My Chemical Romance" (you tasteless fuck), you have a kind of control of yourself. People who can play musical instruments (see: Not Guitar/Bass/Drums) naturally seem more collected then those who cannot. Hell, even appreciating good art can make you that much more intriguing- you'll be considered interesting and mature to your peers, and intelligent to your superiors. Why not go for it?

Being "cultured" also feels damn good. It's one thing to beat all your mates at Mario Kart even though they always seem to get blue shells on the last lap. That may feel good temporarily, but you'll know that most people IRL don't give a shit so you won't feel proud of it. Not like you're proud of yourself when you hang a painted canvas on your wall, or write the daddy of all chord progressions. You'll be less inclined to self-loathing now that you've justified to yourself that you have talents and skills most other can't do, and you'll feel more confident because of it. Having "culture" will back up the confident swagger this guide has advised with something of actual worth.

Everything is Culture And by "everything" I mean it, the problem here is that not everyone likes the same stuff, the best thing to do is to try to find something that popular with the people you are going to talk with (try some small talk at first, even if you limited yourself to "that sounds interesting" or "I'd like to try that", you'll get info at what you should learn about), but then again, if you just hate yaoi, you won't go to /y/ just to get info about yaoi stuff to talk with a yaoi fan girl, there will surely be many other things that interest her, either try to find common interest or GTFO, in some cases, you can even proudly talk about the video that you uploaded in YouTube where you beat Mega Man in record time, try to expand your culture, even a line or two about a theme may be enough (however, don't pretend to know every theme or to know everything about a theme, that just makes you a pretentious faggot). Let's take a good example and say you are going to get into the college party scene at your local educational dumping ground, and you want to know how to not look like a damn fool. The best way to do this, simply put, is to immerse yourself in their world. Listen to some shitty Nickelback tunes, go to Abercrombie and Fitch, and try to understand their mentality. Culture doesn't have to be all about Christianity-inspired art and music- it can simply be culture of ANY subgroup, just translated into artistic forms of some kind. However, there is a difference between a culture and a fad. For instance, there is no doubt that in 10 years the Miami Beach inspired MTV-christened Abercrombie and Fitch look will die. From there, if you are caught wearing this clothing, it will look roughly equivalent to you wearing a leisure suit: Fucking stupid. The same goes for a lot of clever Gothic art, and Emo music: One day, it will be stupid. However, Classical music, intellectual literature, and beautiful renaissance art will never be stupid. That's why so much of culture is rooted in such things: Because no matter what, your knowledge of them (and appreciation of them) will never hurt. Also, never back out on new things, as unpleasant as they might look, as long as you haven't tried them, you have no right of having an opinion about it, being curious about things and trying to know about them will give you a boost in know-a-bit-of-everything-ness, little knowledge of everything is sometimes better than deep knowledge of a few things, especially in that matter. Being knowledgeable on something is good, but once the topic leaves that something aside, you're fucked, you can of course focus on a few specific things of your interest, but knowing a bit about everything will help you out greatly in conversations, which are, by experience, pretty random (though very organized, chaos theory?).

Literature OH SHIT, LITERATURE! So, you've cleaned yourself up, probably gotten yourself the standard issue McJob and are most likely starting to feel the onset of Loli-lust. Now that you can just barely pass for trailer trash, it's time you get cultured. Hard. This entails you READING, something you should have started doing a long time ago, but were probably too stoned to bother with at the time. Obviously, I'm not going to assume that you, the average Anon, is going to bother reading War and Peace just because Wikichan told you to. We understand that your brain has limited space and that you'd rather reminisce about Azumanga Daioh than the rocking fury that is The Collective Works of Shakespeare. However, should Anonymous begin to pursue a (hopefully) lifelong acquaintance with books, he may come to discover that the powers of his imagination, heretofore only set to work analyzing the myriad of positions two women can take in the sack, are far more entertaining and illustrative than television and magazines could ever be.

Where to start? Obviously, where to start depends entirely on what kind of books you like. Clifford does not count. I'll allow myself to assume that since you do frequent /b/, you're probably tickled by anything featuring small girls, shiny things and pretty fucked up humor. Thusly, I'll permit myself to recommend you Neil Stephenson's Snow Crash, which luckily enough, happens to feature all three.

How many books must a man read... Reading isn't something that you finish. Much like alcoholism, at best you'll just be inactive, waiting for the day when you fall backing into the habit of turning tricks for used copies of Annie On My Mind or anything by Sarah Waters. On a slightly more serious note, there is no set number of books you have to read to become cultured. Obviously, the more you read, the better, but try to pace yourself or your excessive culturing might just turn you British-British, complete with Yorkshire accent, bad dental work and complete lack of sex drive.

Digestion of said literature Assuming you are not a complete antisocial sloth troll (Then again if you frequent /b/, you probably are), you must have some somewhat intelligent friends around, propose that you form a book club, where you meet once a set period of time to talk about the books that you agreed to read together, that's the best way to understand books, not sparknotes or cliffnotes you cheating faggot, talking about it with your peers, they can give you new perspectives on passages that initially puzzled you, and you might be able to clear up a few things for them too. If you are

reading for a class you are taking at school, you probably won't be reading very interesting literature, so finding peers to talk about the books will better your understanding. Of course if I initially assumed wrong, and that you ARE, in fact a complete antisocial slothtroll with a neck beard and all your social activity is limited to the internet, these kinds of book club discussions can take place online, in fact some people even prefer it that way. I'm sure there's an internet book club somewhere that you can join. try

You expect me to buy these? The easiest way to get yourself a book is of course, by visiting a bookstore or raiding your local library. The best part is, most famous works of literature were written by people who are now dead, making the price somewhat lower without all those pesky royalties. Many thrift stores and usually your local library will have yearly (or year round) sales on old books, this way you can find yourself a large sum of fat old books for practically nothing (one dollar for Moby Dick? Fuck Yeah). Because let’s face it, it's impressive to the ladies and intimidating to other guys to come into your place and see a towering 15 foot wide bookshelf packed with classic thought evoking literature. But suppose for a second that you're shit-broke (As the majority of Anonymii are) or you don't have the balls to check out Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita, for fear of Partyvanning, What then are you to do? Fret not, for Anonymous has come up with a genius solution for this simple problem. Behold the glory that is, Bookchan.

Bookchan Bookchan is exactly what it says, a *chan that caters for the niche of people that are literate human beings. But occasionally, helpless /b/astards wander into Bookchan without knowing what the hell to do. This is how to use Bookchan THE RIGHT WAY: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Search the Archive threads for your book before whining about not finding it. Copy or Save As the actual IMAGE, not the thumbnail. Add .rar to the end of the filename and run it. (with WinRAR, of course) Obligatory "???" post. Reap the Profit, AKA your newly acquired book.

Hook me the fuck up, doc Now that you have access to a VAST amount of .jpg based literature, you'll probably want some recommendations. Behold the list of books worth reading, by order of Genre. Classics: A word about the classics - these are books that you have to read sooner or later, there is a reason that they endured the test of time, because they are so fucking delicious. Put down the fucking fanfics and hit the fucking library, fatass. Here are a few interesting ones, because a lot of classics are admittedly boring crap.

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Anything that came out of Ancient Rome, Ancient Greece, Ancient anything. Like the Satyricon. Loli sex? Check. Shiny things? check. Fucked up humor? Check! Victor Hugo: Les Miserables, The Hunchback of Notre Dame Fyodor Dostoyevsky: Crime And Punishment, The Brothers Karamozov, Notes from Underground (And learn to pronounce his fucking name, people. Doss-toy-YEV-skee. There are few things that will make you look like more of a prick than talking about the "Dustuvskoy" or "Dostivskay" or "Dasti'mashitfucker" novel you're reading) Leo Tolstoy: War and Peace, Anna Karenina (both are huge thousand page epic novels) Shakespeare: everything you can get your hands on. (PROTIP: Juliet is a loli) Chaucer: The Canterbury Tales Emily Brontë: Wuthering Heights (the only book she ever wrote, but it's a delicious read) Machiavelli: The Prince (read: how to be a douche) Actually, it's a great read if you're looking to be a dictator or gang leader. Replace 'principalities' with your turf, and 'the people' with the asshole inhabitants of said turf, and you've got the guide on running your kingdom. Mario Puzo: The Godfather (rape, drugs, raids, racism, an hero, even anonymous, this book has all of this and more) Marquis de Sade: Justine, Incest (alternately titled Eugenie de Franval) (Anything by this author is rated "/b/tard only", written mostly in the 1700s, some of his works are considered fucked up even by todays standards) Hemingway: The Sun Also Rises, For Whom The Bell Tolls (Contains tits and shooting) Ayn Rand: The Fountainhead, Atlas Shrugged (overtly philosophical and verbose to an extreme, but similar philosophy to the one behind WellCultured). Mark Twain: Letters from the Earth (letters Lucifer sent Michael and Gabriel with his observations of humanity--well-written and very, very /b/ sense of humor); The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (an anti-slavery novel that uses the word "nigger" 212 times); The Collected Short Stories. (It's all good stuff. Twain would have made an excellent /b/tard.) James Joyce: Ulysses (800 pages spanning 24 hours, difficult to read, worth the experience) and Finnegans Wake (a book told entirely in puns, that has no beginning or end. It's a literary oddity, and damn near the most unreadable, most un-finishable book ever written in what is mostly the English language) John Milton: Paradise Lost (Milton's prose is purpler than Barney the fucking dinosaur, but the story draws Satan as a remarkably sympathetic character.) Dante Alighieri: The Divine Comedy (Superior to Paradise Lost in its simplicity and humanity; hell is also a badass fucking nightmare)

Nonfiction:   

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Adolf Hitler: Mein Kampf (It is actually impressive to talk about the strong points and good qualities of someone so universally hated.) Karl Marx: The Communist Manifesto (A great fucking read, but don't act like King Shit or go Bosnian/Anarchist because you read it.) Edward Gibbon: The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire: This is a very, very detailed account of how Rome fell (duh), and it's worth the read. Six volumes in all, but there's a thick-ass condensed version in paperback at most bookstores. Edith Hamilton: Mythology (Contains short versions of all the classic myths of the Greeks and Romans, and touches upon the Norse myths, which were infinitely more badass.) Richard Dawkins: The Selfish Gene (Book on evolution, very well written) Charles Darwin: The Origin Species (outdated, but a classic.)

Fiction (Uncategorized):         

Kurt Vonnegut: Cat's Cradle and Slaughterhouse Five J. D. Salinger: Catcher in the Rye and Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters Vladimir Nabokov: Lolita (read: instruction manual on poopering a loli, written in prose) George Orwell: Animal Farm, 1984 Joseph Heller: Catch-22 (read this one multiple times, its fucking good) Stephen King: Dolores Claiborn (explains why murder is sometimes the best option.) Koushun Takami: Battle Royale (unusual concept worth looking at; however, do not go in expecting greatness. It is entertaining, but nothing revolutionary) Oscar Wilde: The Picture of Dorian Gray (Wilde describes the typical /b/tard strikingly well) King James: The Holy Bible (Now wait a minute--before you go batshit crazy or start LOLing at the notion, consider that the Bible is full of war, hatred, bigotry, injustice, incest, and every atrocity committable by men, all sanctioned by God, and all relevant to /b/'s interests; it's only in the New Testament that God gets religion, and anyhow, even if you're not in it for the violence, this is a book two billion people hold to be truth. Some of it is beautifully poetic; but mainly you'll want to read up on Lot and his saucy daughters.) Mark Z. Danielewski: House of Leaves, (this book is very strange and may seem a bit daunting at first with it's strange formatting, but it's definitely one of the most rewarding books I've ever read) the Whalestoe Letters (basically the expanded version of one of the last parts of the book. I'd recommend just buying this book and skipping that section.)


(Note: Getting too heavy into reading fantasy is a quick way to turn yourself into a neck beardsporting D&D troll creature. Having said this, there is a ridiculous number of extremely great fantasy novels out there. Just remember to diversify, people) 

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Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman - The Death Gate Cycle. The most original story evar. No really. It's a post-apocalyptic Earth meets Quantum Mechanics but it's not sci-fi. Plus a whole fucking cast of UNIQUE memorable characters including some badass villains. Oh, and there's sex too. READ NAO. Terry Pratchett: Night Watch, Small Gods...fuckit, pretty much the entirety of his Discworld series. J.R.R. Tolkien: Big fucking guess (Also: Tol-KEEN, not Tol-KEN) Clive Barker: Abarat George R. R. Martin: Song of Ice and Fire (Basically anything a /b/tard could want in a fantasy. Rape, Incest, Loli, murder, war, and a whole lot of plot twists. With a definite cutting down on fucking elves, orcs, and other bullshit.) Scott Lynch : Lies of Locke Lamora (Gentleman Bastard series) A new series in company of all the classics on this list, but some critics will tell you this will be "the" series people talk about in 1020 years. A story that starts out as a story of con men in a "next world over" fantasy world, and quickly becomes much more. (Warning, addictive material) The DragonLance Collection: Made by various writers, straight out of a D&D game board, central story by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman, OVER 9000 novels!! (more like 190). Quite original, real badasses, neat evil, hot girls, adventures to your heart's content, magic, dragons, and many others.

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L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology creator inadvertently. He has written some fairly interesting fiction/fantasy. Neil Gaiman: Neverwhere, Mirrormask, American Gods (Gaiman writes like a dream.) Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett: Good Omens, or, The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch (This is the single funniest book ever written in the English language. Shit you not.) Terry Brooks: The Heritage of Shannara books, an excellent place to start with the fantasy genius that is Terry Brooks.


(The same rules for fantasy apply to Sci-Fi; there is a stigma against some of the nerdier bits in this genre. If you stick on the classy side of this literature, you'll be in fine shape.) 

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Douglas Adams: Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Dirk Gently books (you need to read the Dirk Gently book a couple of times to actually get it all as it contains a lot of nice details that come out on successive readings) Isaac Asimov: The Foundation Series and I, Robot (Again, forget the movie, Will Smith needs to get his fresh ass back to Bel-Air and refrain from raping good books) Orson Scott Card: Ender's Game series, and the Ender's Shadow sister series Arthur C. Clarke: 2001: A Space Odyssey William Gibson's Sprawl Trilogy; Neuromancer, Count Zero and Mona Lisa Overdrive. Bonus points for short stories like Johnny Mnenomic. Robert A Heinlein: Starship Troopers (forget the crappy movie and the meme, this book kicks ASS) Frank Herbert's Dune series (The original, not the one by his son. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH) Aldous Huxley: Brave New World. Neil Stephenson: Snow Crash and The Diamond Age. H.G. Wells: The War of the Worlds. (The movie is similar to the original book in only two things: AIDS and humans being surprise buttsecksed, everything else is different AND better in the book) Philip K. Dick: Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, Ubik, A Scanner Darkly (better than the movie). Heartily recommended for fiction with heavy themes of mind-fuckery. Also check out VALIS, The Divine Invasion and The Transmigration of Timothy Archer to see just what a brilliant mind whacked out on drugs can create. (Especially VALIS.) Edgar Rice Burroughs: John Carter Books (Epic old sci-fi. Generally good Books. He also wrote Tarzan.)

Lesbian Fiction:  

Nancy Garden: Annie On My Mind and Good Moon Rising. Sarah Water: Fingersmith (Granted, also a Victorian crime novel)

Gonzo Journalism: 

Hunter S. Thompson: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It's the story of a man who is sent to cover the Mint 400 race in Las Vegas. Him and his attorney go, while taking various drugs and searching for the American dream. What's not to like?

Warhammer 40k: 

Dan Abnett's Horus Heresy series. (Disclaimer: This WILL NOT earn you much respect with most people, but fuck it. It's a great read.)

Fun Stuff 

Max Brooks: The Zombie Survival Guide, and World War Z: An oral history of the zombie war


Poetry is a bit odd to work with so I felt that it deserves its own section. As a /b/tard you are probably conditioned to associate poetry with faggotry and queerness, but I assure you, it is not so. Most of the world's greatest works of literature is in poetry form, English prose wasn't published until 1100 something, so before then, anything that is written down is poetry. Of course, that faggot in your philosophy class who claims to be a poet probably does write poetry, but honestly, half the work in being a poet or writer or any artist is the ability to appreciate the work of others without your ego's interference. What that means is shut the fuck up, and read some fucking poetry. Being the generous anon that I am, I will, of course, point you in the right direction.  

It might be helpful to buy an anthology, it will cover a lot of ground and save you a lot of money on buying expensive books. Charles Baudelaire - Les Fleurs Du Mal (The Flowers of Evil), somewhat long and somewhat cryptic but this will give you insight on many things in life, including why hipster faggots act the way they do. William Shakespeare - All of his sonnets. Most Shakespeare scholars regard his sonnets as his real work, all his plays, while brilliant, was written on commission. In /b/ terms, if William Shakespeare is Kurt Cobain, all his plays = Never mind, all his sonnets = Bleach Beowulf - a bit of work to get through, but just imagine Angelina Jolie's tits while you read. (If you've seen the shit-tastic movie)

Drawing Might want to read "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain". It is the best book on learning to draw, period. It will take you from stick figures to portraits in three days.


So, anime has finally sold you the dream of being able to shit out quality artwork like a fat man on laxatives? Well, tough shit. You're not going to be a famous mangaka that makes a one hit wonder and spends the rest of his days hitting jailbait in Western Japan. You're not going to make a profitable career out of your drawing like (immense fucking hack) Tim Buckley. Your drawings are going to be utter shit. You're going to rip apart your drawing pads, snap over 9000 mechanical pencils and it's not unlikely that at some point, you'll lose your mind and become an hero.

So what, I have no hope at all? Oh, there is hope but you first you need to understand that you suck. Over time, you will get better. Much like dieting, improvements to your artwork will be small and you probably won’t notice them right away. It'll take a long time before you're able to produce fapable artwork.

Fuck this shit, it's not worth it! Being able to draw is SO worth it, you'll probably be hitting yourself for even thinking about quitting once you get good. Not only does it give you something to do when you've got time to kill but you'll also be able to impress fellow /b/tards and possible GF's. Women love art, though it might be advisable to tone down the "endowment" so as not to provoke an unfavorable reaction.

Getting started Now that you've come to terms with this masochistic hobby, it's time to get cracking. First you're going to need some supplies. Not all paper is equal, but for now you'll be ok with printer-grade or paper arks, aka drawing pads. A drawing pad, some charcoal and some graphite will run you about seven bucks. Mechanical or non-mechanical pencils each have their ups and downs but it basically boils down to this: Mechanicals are easier to control, but non-mechanicals won’t break and feel more natural. Pick which ever you like better. The usefulness of drawing books is to say the least, highly debatable. A lot of these books, ESPECIALLY the ones focusing on anime, are shit. Avoid them like a horny FBI agent. The only one this Anonymous can truly recommend are Andrew Loomis' books ("Fun With a Pencil" for beginners, "Figure Drawing For All It's Worth" and "Drawing the Head & Hands" for learning/refining anatomy, "Creative Illustration" to get a basic sense of composition and color schemes and finally "Successful Drawing" for interesting lighting). I don't care if your weeaboo ass doesn't like Loomis' style (which is almost 1:1 realism), the most important thing you need to know is you need to understand anatomy before you can properly simplify and abstract it, eventually forming your own style. Never forget that.

A quick note about Wacom's

A Wacom is a digitizer tablet that allows you to draw straight into your computer instead of scanning your drawing and then tracing it with Photoshop or the Gimp. The following is mythical-grade truth and is never to be questioned; NO TABLET, NO MATTER HOW FUCKING EXPENSIVE, WILL EVER IMPROVE YOUR ABILITY. If anything, you'll have a harder time using a tablet, since you'll have to calibrate the pen to get a consistent line that doesn't change from 12-120pts every thirty pixels. Until you've got some skill, don't even think about buying a tablet. Same for pen-mice, they suck, barely usable for redrawing over manga edits. What a tablet will enable you to do, is just to have clean drawings straight out, because you can modify the picture as much as you want. But it will in no way make you "better" at drawing. You will be better when you can make a relatively clean drawing, then scan and modify it. Using a tablet like that will just remove the hardships of making a proper drawing, which means all the drawbacks(no pun intended) , and so you will not get to learn how to do a good drawing by yourself, and once you're out with only a pen in your hand you'll be stuck.

Actually drawing The best way to start is by drawing objects in your immediate environment. Any object can be simplified into basic shapes: squares, circles, ovals and triangles. Practice this and it'll make realistic drawing a hell of a lot easier. Investing in some basic drawing courses at an art school or some such will more often than not pay off massively. It might also pay off to trace images. Yes, I said it, tracing. It's dirty, cheap and looked down upon by everyone worth the lead in his pencil. Which is why you don't go around putting your traced shit on the net, you asshole. Trace it, learn from it, then BURN it. Another point of view: While tracing might do the trick, copying other works as accurately without using any handicaps is most likely to pay off more once you've grasped the basics. The odds are that your copied stuff will look like shit and it's not going to change easily - this requires patience and time more than anything. Just copy, copy and copy some more stuff. The same rule applies as it does in tracing - never put your copied shit on the net. Copy it, learn from it, burn it, start from the beginning. For those who are going to draw environments - which most of us are going to do sooner or later anyway - learn perspective drawing. It's not all that difficult, but it's a fucking must if you want to create realistic looking environments where everything is in proportion.


After toiling for hours upon hours, you've finally got something you want to show the world. Of course, the world doesn't give a shit and would probably put a Cuban cigar out in your eye if it had the chance, if only to ensure that you don't get any ideas that assume otherwise. First you need a scanner. Simple enough to acquire, you can pick on up in any good computer or office store. The only thing you need to keep in mind is that you're going to need something that can do 300dpi (That's Dots-per-inch). More is better, by the way. Any drawing you scan should be AT LEAST 2500x2500+. This way, after you've traced your original lines, everything will be crisp and clean when you scale it down to something that wont fry your retina if you watch for more than 10 seconds. When you're done scanning, you will have to remove the "dirt" on your drawing by making use of levels, (Ctrl+L for PS, Tools->Color Tools->Levels for Gimp), this will enable you to select the threshold of what is white, and what is black, anything that is whiter(/blacker) on the original image will be white(black), which means if you choose a light gray to become white, everything lighter will be white. Once you've leveled the picture, you can remove the smudges with the eraser, clean up the edges, sharpen them or any spot you find blurry or add some blur where you want a more continuous filling. You can also crop and rotate to have the angle you desire. and use the dodge/burn tools to correct shades. When you're done cleaning up, and I mean it, cleaning is half the work, you can think about making the drawing better or coloring it. Gimp tutorial Photoshop tutorials

Inking and coloring Sweet Longcat, there are so many different way to color a picture, the amount of ways can only compare to the amount of incestuous siblings in the southern United States. To save this article to from becoming 9000 pages long, we'll just post links to some tutorials depicting how to color and ink. I will however give you this handy Protip: Abuse layers like a catholic altar boy. One tutorial for coloring(basic, anime style)

Watermarking No, you don't need it yet. So don't. A republican-red-tape stamp across your drawing only serves to make it look like shitty. Not that it needs the help, by the way.

So, now what? Rinse and repeat, Anonymous. Once you've done that, DO IT AGAIN. When you've gotten a little better, break out the .jpgs .(png, it can also handle transparency, so it's perfect for embedded

pictures) and get some constructive criticism online. It sounds simple, but getting laid over the internet is easier than getting thirty words of worthwhile criticism. And Yes, stay the fuck away from DeviantArt, ShezyArt, StormArtists, VCL (If you know what this is, you're beyond redemption anyway) and anything in this vein.

Cooking Like most Anonymous, you've probably been living on Microwave food, take-a-way and pizza for the majority of your life. Well, the time has come for you to learn how to make proper food and preferably the kind that won't clog up your arteries tighter than the sphincter of a violated catholic school girl.

What you need Whether you're living on your own or still living out of your parent’s basement, you're going to need somewhere to prepare your food, and unless you're living in Japan, where the average apartment leaves less than two meters between the toilet, the kitchen and your bed, you probably have ready access to a proper kitchen. Excellent cooking skills are handy at attracting women, making them food is a very romantic gesture. Your kitchen should at the very least have the following:        

A stove. One shallow pot and one deep. One pan. One cutting block, so you don't carve up your counters. One long knife for cutting meat. A spatula, for flipping burgers, eggs and such. A fridge, for obvious reasons. An oven.

If you aren't shit-broke, you can also splash out on some less-than-essential but still quite useful items, such as:      

A blender. A toaster (You can actually substitute for this with your pan, if you're strapped for cash) A sandwich grill Coffee machine George Foreman Grill Rice Cooker (For you fucking weebs and real Asian people)

Here are some ingredients that most foods will require, you seriously NEED these 

Salt, to make foods salty

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Sugar, to make foods sweet, (Replace with splenda if your girl is of the harpoons persuasion, also useful for hiding coke) Black and White Pepper, they taste different, experiment. Oil, you spray the pan with it to avoid food sticking. This is CRITICAL, especially when creating most breakfasts. Vinegar, useful in salads and anything that needs a hint of sour, also produces a delicious aroma when adding while cooking meat with wine, (carboxylic acid reacts with alcohol to create esters, which are sweet and delicious smelling organic compounds) Various condiments, ketchup, mustard, etc. Various spices, cumin, oregano, etc., look it up somewhere. They are generally not that expensive and will last you a long time.

Why you should learn to cook Cooking is sexy. No woman, be she large, tall, short, small, tight or loose can resist breakfast in bed after a night of what was probably pitifully short (Pun strikes you for massive damage) sex. It can and probably will at some point save your relationship. Not only that, but you can only survive on instant noodles for so long before your arms start eating themselves out of malnutrition. If you don't want to break out a sweat every time you pick up a book (an unlikely event, I know), you would do well to listen.

Getting to it: Protips Cooking is fun, in the sense that the rules are very basic, and everything else is up to imagination and experimentation. Without further ado, here are some basics rules to live by: 

Overcooking is mostly bad, carcinogens a-plenty. When you've overcooked something, kill the stove, put it out with water to kill the smell and throw away whatever you screwed up. If it is a slight burn or if it is situated in one place, it may be salvageable, cut the burned part off, feed it to your neighbor’s cat, and move the fuck on. Undercooking is mostly bad, it doesn't kill all the bacteria properly and they can regroup and make you shit chocolate rain. Plus undercooked food is not heated properly and/or taste like shit. Undercooking meat is obviously more dangerous. Certain foods, such as steaks, are often much better tasting if not cooked entirely through. In restaurants, most people order their steak medium or medium-rare. If you've heated your pan correctly, it should only take 38 seconds on one side and 36 on the other to make it medium-rare. Be careful if you don't know if you have quality meat or not. See above. Cleanups are not best left until last. If you haven't had the pleasure of finding a bowl of corn flakes that hasn't been touched for weeks, and subsequently, breaking both your arms trying to scrape that shit off and eventually passing out due to toxic fumes, I suggest you keep it that way by cleaning the fuck up. It doesn't have to be surgically clean, just clean enough for a human being not to get food poisoning from just entering your kitchen.

Get some small containers. These are great for storing leftovers, which you should never throw away if the food was edible to begin with. Keep in mind when you first cooked it, though, as food does eventually go bad no matter how well you seal it. Take good care of your fucking cookware. I can't stress this enough, cookware is expensive, you would know if you went and bought some instead of stealing from your parents. Wash regularly, BOTH SIDES, store them in a way that if they won’t be dented or misshapen, take extra care of the lids since if you dent the lids, its practically impossible to put back on the pot or pan, this is the most important one: NEVER touch nonstick cookware with metal objects. This will defeat the purpose of nonstick cookware. (If it is non-stick by way of Teflon, the metal object will scratch the Teflon coating.)

Occasions when you MUST cook Like it or not, there are certain occasions where you can't just order Chinese or god forbid it, pizza. These include: 

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Thanksgiving (For the Americans): You'll be expected to prepare a turkey, which includes cooking, basting and stuffing, probably not in that order. May god have mercy on your soul if you fail to carve it the right way in the presence of your guests. Christmas: Varies from place to place and can be anything from pig to lamb to quail. Putting some effort into matters more than what your actually serving. Spouse's/Girlfriend's birthday: just do it, actually, just the fact that you remembered their birthday puts you in the fucking safe zone, making food for them is just going the extra mile Anniversary: do it if you want to get laid.

What to cook Of course, the biggest problem is deciding what to cook and how to cook it. That's where recipes come in. And we have a bunch of them in The Big Book of Anonymous Recipes, from the main course all the way to dessert.

Setting a table Anyone who's been in an even mildly fancy restaurant can tell you that there is a certain way to set a table. Dumping knives and forks in the middle and blinding jabbing your hand into the pile hoping to pick up the right utensils is NOT going to impress the parents. The fact that you know how to set a table also says something about yourself, mainly that you're not a sorry waste of thousands of years of human evolution. Back to the point: Plates go in front of the chair (duh), forks to the left, knives and spoons to the right. If you have more than one pair of knives or forks on the table at the same time for each guest, they are to be arranged in the order they are going to be used, first used being farthest from the plate. Tiny, specialty utensils can be brought out with the dishes, or set with the other utensils. Dessert utensils can be brought out with dessert, or set at the top of the plate. Butter knives go on bread and butter plates, which go above the forks. Water glasses go above the knives and spoons, other glasses go nearby, coffee/tea cups and

saucers can go next to the glasses or to the right of the knives and spoons. If you have any skill folding napkins, which are an essentially useless skill, you can decorate with them. If you don't, congratulations on your heterosexuality and just put one on every dish. Alternatively, just fold them into a rectangle and place under the largest fork, or if you're less of a retard, to the left of the forks. Someone's work in a high standing restaurant: Ok, I'm not saying I’m a cool waiter or such, i happen to be the task-dump man of the service, but I get to see a few things: 

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You may join the edges of the napkin in the middle of it, then roll it along that line, the edges will not stick out and it'll have a smooth look to it. This way it'll make a roll that can easily and neatly be placed on the table. Large cutlery (Or silverware if you have such a thing) is for the main course, the normal ones are for anything but that, ranging from first dish to cheese. Fish often has specific utensils, such as a spoon and sometimes a dull knife; in the same way, dented( or very sharp) knives go with meat, but can be put out if said meat is very easy to separate (Which means it is very high quality tender meat, when well done, use knife). If you plan on serving champagne, which is often done before the actual meal, have a few champagne glasses (The tall, thin ones) ready on the side, and remove them as soon as possible. If you plan on serving wine (possibly good quality), have 2 wine glasses ready per person, one for white wine, one for red wine (Bigger). At my work they use a third, tiny glass for sweet wines, often accompanying desserts (Sometimes fish), and glass to keep away until used.

Drinking Despite what you may think, there is some method behind the madness of drinking. After all, humans have been doing it ever since wine was discovered in ancient times. Your parents may have given you the huge drugs and alcohol talk, but it really is no big deal in the grander scheme of things. Your parents without a doubt have gotten shitfaced themselves, and now they are passing the torch on to you. However - not all drinking means getting shitfaced and powerspewing on your best friends couch and carpet. You, my dear Anonymous friend, must learn the etiquette of drinking.

Biological Factors First we need to define a Standard drink. A Standard drink is defined as any amount of liquid with about 10 grams of pure ethanol; this translates to either one half pint of beer, one shot of hard liquor, or one glass of wine. Your body takes about an hour to digest one standard drink. Ethanol is an intoxicant, which means consumption of ethanol will impair your motor skills, judgment and cognition, (read: shitfaced) NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE, DOING SO WILL

GET YOU FUCKED (i.e., Big Bubba's girlfriend fucked), B& AND V&, AS WELL AS PUTTING YOURSELF AND OTHERS IN MORTAL DANGER. Ethanol is mostly absorbed and broken down in the lower intestines. Traces of it may be absorbed in your stomach and large intestines, and if you are really fucking stupid, the lungs. It is a centrally acting drug; tolerance to it varies from person to person. That doesn't matter to law enforcement, if they find it in your system; you're fucked no matter how sober you feel. Now that we are done with the disclaimer stuff...

Proof of What? Alcohol can be measured in either Proof, which is how much Ethanol is in the bottle, or by ABV, which is Alcohol by Volume. Proof = ABV x2. ABV = Proof /2. Easy peasy. This isn't need to know stuff, but it's good to keep behind the ear.

How Much Is Too Much? How much a person can drink before they start launching chunks depends on a few factors. One is body mass. A skinny guy will get drunk on the same amount of booze as fat guy MUCH faster. Interestingly enough, the muscle laden jock in your class will hold out longer than the fat tub of lard that is your team mascot. This is because body fat percentage is also a factor. The less fat you have, the longer it'll take for alcohol to take effect. Genetics also come into play, but that's complicated shit. Basically, Asians lack some protein or gene or whatever the fuck, which causes them to get hyper-fucked up on relatively minuscule amounts of alcohol. Also, the stereotypical drinking races (Irish, Polish, and Russian etc.) can exhibit higher alcohol tolerance than most. However, this is hardly a huge factor. A common misconception is that drinking more will increase your tolerance. This is largely untrue once adulthood is reached, and although psychological factors will come into play and make you think that you have a higher tolerance, there is no biological evidence that this is the case. If you haven't been drinking in a few months, you will find your tolerance lower; if you then drink every night for a few days you will see it rise again to a point - but your overall 'tolerance band' will not appreciably increase with practice. A general rule of thumb is to stop drinking when you start falling off the floor. If you want to avoid blowing chunks, that is.

BAC Record Holder BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) level record holder is a pole (A Polish person). Tadeusz S. in 1995 was driving a car under the influence of alcohol and caused an accident near Wroclaw. They tested his blood for alcohol and then retested it 4 more times because they couldn't believe

the result but all the results were the same - 14,8 per mile. The man died a dozen days later from injuries suffered in the crash not from the alcohol dosage. If you're wondering what's the mortal dosage of alcohol content in your blood it's usually quoted to be 4 or 5 per mile. Does not apply to poles and ruskies.

DUDE, LETS GET WASTED!11 No. Only tweens drink to get WASTED!!11. Have some respect and grow the fuck up. That isn't to say that getting wasted is something you should avoid. Quite the contrary, it is an experience that everyone MUST go through in order to have properly lived. Like most things, it has a time and a place. Instead of drinking for the sake of drinking, drink for the sake of drinking with people. Often the best friends you'll ever have are those who you throw back a few cold ones with. Be aware that if one of your drinking buddies is Anon, he WILL eventually pressure you for Mutual Masturbation after he's got you drunk enough. Pimp slapping is justified at this point. Learning to control how much you drink is just as important as learning your own limits. We all know the guy who dances around after ripping shirt off after shot-gunning a few beers, or the girl who gets 'totally trashed' off a couple glasses of wine. Don't be like them.

Partying For those of you in college, the above is a major factor- even in the highest colleges in any country, partying is a big damn deal- and we're talking "wake up the next morning with some ugly gay guy" deal. Thus, it's important to know how to handle your shit. 99.9% of partiers in College are the "I just got my leash off" variety- by that, I mean overly hardcore fuckheads who mess up their lives via doing too many shots of Everclear, pull a rape train on some dumb college slut whose dad happens to be the state capital's DA, and get kicked out after one semester. Don't ever become these people. First of all, know your fucking limitations. For example, if you're around 100 pounds of skinny failure, you may be able to hold one beer in your system before you get tipsy. Those of us blessed with German genes that weight lift can do about three max before we get "the feeling"it's all up to you. But let's be honest here, Mr. Anonymous. You should NEVER be more drunk than the girl beside you. And I'm not fucking kidding, either. Being more drunk than your date/target is tantamount to being an immediate failure, the kind of thing that'll ensure you have blue balls forever. This, obviously, is never good. Don't ever give a shit what those frat boys say: If they were able to get women, they'd do it instead of playing Beer Pong all god damn night. Handling Frat/College Parties

A few pointers for those of you in college going to parties-

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If the bartender says drop the drink, he isn't kidding. Cops tend to troll looking for underage kids to arrest. If you get the wind of a cop from anyone, don't guess or assume everything is fine. Get the fuck out immediately, even if it's a rumor. Not a serious problem for Eurofags, where the drinking age is generally lower than in the States. Don't ever get heavily drunk. It's a bad way to meet people, as mentioned above. Don't drink out of any open container. I know this sounds like a date rape advice guide, but lots of frats have been known to slip heavier shit into open containers, such as punch and that kind of thing. Cans and kegs are the safest bet. Protect your lady friends. Even if they aren't your girlfriend, keep an eye on the girls you come with. While it sounds lame, you will sometimes find yourself in situations where you have to threaten certain guys. And shit, its fun. Don't let it hit your grades. Get home, go to sleep, and study in the morning, and NEVER party when the next day involves classes. Some of the most intelligent people on campus can be the heaviest partiers- but they know when NOT to party. Never walk around (Outside) with a beer. That's asking to get arrested. Go to all the parties you can, within reason. Don't be a tightwad prude- parties are fun. Just be reasonable and watch yourself, and NEVER go overboard. The best thing you can do is go with friends, and leave with your friends right as you get bored- that way; you don't have to worry about fucking up.

Faking The Drink

One trick that the smart Anons of college know is faking the drink. By that, I mean not drinking as much as it looks like you are- it removes the social stigma (If you're getting pressured into drinking heavily), and you can convince others to drink more (Exploitation). This can range from sipping slowly on one cup (As people will just guess you're getting more beer), throwing away half-full cans of beer (Lame, but effective), or just pouring the shit on the curb. This is probably not the first route you should take (The best route is to not worry about what people think about your drinking), but it does help occasionally. The first technique is generally the most reliable provided you move from place to place, leading people to assume that you acquired another drink while they couldn't see you. A useful trick for the anon with a taste for spirits, is the whiskey and ginger or Jack and Coke, One Highball glass, your poison of choice and ice if possible. Just either top up with the mixer, those around will think that a new drink is being mixed. Also if pouring small measures add the spirit last, the drink will smell on inspection to be very alcoholic. It's important to know that you shouldn't ever feel pressured to drink with a bunch of dumbasses, especially in frat party situations- but generally anywhere. While we don't want to sound like your mom, there's no reason to drink unless you want to drink- it's useless to chug it down just because you have to.

Different Kinds of Drinks 

Beer: Made from fermented juices of barley and hops. The final product is usually carbonated and sold in packs of 6 cans or bottles, or a multiple of 6 cans or bottles. A very social beverage,

very prevalent, found at most college parties, to dumb underage kids in the park, or in the hands of a lonely old guy in a bar. It is difficult to grow an appreciation for beer, due to its bitter taste. A very handy tool in male bonding, there is no feeling like knocking back a few brews with your old man or a coworker. Ranges from cheap shit that’s cheaper than water (Natural Light, Keystone Light, Budweiser) to middle weights (Most beers found in bars, Corona, Miller, Heineken) to GOOD FUCKING BEER (Fat Tire, Sam Adams, Guinness, Most real ale and most English beer that is labeled Bitter). There are also a few oriental beers that are worth trying, as they have a very crispy light taste, and almost no shitty aftertaste (Tsingtao, Asahi, Sapporo, and Kirin). Most parties have the cheap shit (Bud, Coors, etc), which tastes like ass. Make yourself a big man and get yourself some European beer (even Guinness counts)- you'll never want to go back. Protip: If you have to add something, namely some kind of citrus fruit, to your beer to make it taste good, you shouldn't be drinking it. Good, hell, even decent beer doesn't require you to add something to make it 'taste good'. Although Lager and lime or Guinness and blackcurrant cordial are acceptable in England in the summer during heat waves in the first case and generally in the latter. Vodka: Made from fermented and distilled grain, fruit juice or other sugar/starch. Basically, it is defined by what it isn't rather than by what it is. Very popular with underage B& because of the high alcohol content, allowing their fresh teenage asses to get shitfaced fast. Wine: Fermented grapes. Wine is more of a posh thing, and it takes a bit of learning to get it "right"- so generally, unless you want to study up, trust sommeliers at restaurants or recommended wine guides. There are, however, a few easy to learn guidelines that will ensure you don't end up with something as acidic as cat's piss and the taste of the same. Remember that your choice of wine reflects your personality as much as your clothes/hairdo does; and that generally, if you are drinking something, you should like it. If you are having a meal with the wine, then choose accordingly. If it's a fairly hefty meal involving red meats and potatoes, red is a fairly safe bet - if the meal is lighter and contains seafood or salad, go with the white. Nearly all of the flavors you taste in food and in booze comes from your nose; so when you have a glass, give it a good sniff, it’s the only way to get the full flavor. if you don't, you shouldn't have bought it, as your actually wasting the flavor you’re paying for. If you're in a restaurant, picking a good wine is easy, as there is a list of how nice the wine is in money on the right; but it's generally advisable to ask the Maitre' D. A quick explanation of wine terms: For red wine: 'Body' is the weight of the wine in your mouth, as well as an indication of its strength. 'Medium-bodied' means easier to knock back and not quite as rich and thick, and slightly lower in alcohol. 'Fullbodied' means 'fucking strong’ so be advised. It also means much denser, heavier tasting wine. If the guy in the restaurant or wine shop starts dribbling on about 'tannins,' tannin is the stuff left over from the grape skins, and is responsible for that bitter after taste and all that blue grot that builds up on your lips. Some like the taste of it, but if you do, enjoy your brown teeth. For white wine, ask how acidic a wine is. The more acidic, the more sharp the flavor. Cheap ass white tends to taste like vinegar, but nicer varieties benefit from a bit of bite. Finally, the more 'dry' a wine, the less sweet it is. One more thing: those odd little bottles of almost yellow wine about half the size of all the others? Desert wine. Imagine white, but with a shit load of sugar pumped in to it. if you’re getting desert anyway, and you are male, you do not need any more sugar. Desert wine is like drinking syrup. Whiskey or Whisky: The E meaning that the spirit is Irish in origin, e.g. Jameson’s or Paddy's. Made from distilled (concentration of ethanol) fermented corn in Tennessee or barley in Scotch. Some will like it and some won't, but it's a very manly drink. Order it with ice (on the rocks). Recommended: Jack Daniels (Tennessee), Johnny Walker (Blended Scotch), anything from the Glens (Single malt Scotch). Most single malts however are better warm or in some cases with a

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dash of water. Irish whiskey has the advantage of being smoother generally and not having the harsh smoky after affect, due to differences in the manufacturing and aging process. Generally the older the drink has been cask aged the better. Brandy: Made from distilled wine, and other fermented juices. There are many grades to Brandy and whiskey, (You know the x.o, vsop, etc) generally the more aged, the better and the prices go higher. Brandy is generally bitter but with hints of sweetness. Tequila/Mezcal: Made in M00txico from distilled fermented juices of the agave plant (Looks kind of like aloe vera). Tequila is the crucial ingredient in Margaritas. Also sold in grades, based on how long they were aged for. There are numerous types of tequila defined by their color. Mezcal is made in a similar fashion, but it often has a worm or a snake inside the bottle meant to fuck you up upon consumption, Google it. Sake/Soju: Rice wine/rice liquor, as you can probably guess its made from fermented rice. Sake is un-distilled rice wine, consumed primarily by Japs and weeaboos, very delicious. Distilling it yields rice liquor, slightly more flavorful than vodka but still very strong. Rum: AKA pirate sauce. Distilled fermented sugarcane and molasses. White rum is often touched up with juices and spices, popular with chicks and really girly dudes (Bacardi Breezers). Traditional red rum is considerably less popular with this group due to its tendency to leave you with a very nasty headache and a mouth like a homeless man's toilet. It wasn't known as 'kill devil' in the old (Barely literate) days for nothing. If you have a bad history of hangovers, stick with the filtered white rum. Gold rum (Mount Gay, Morgan's Spiced) is a happy medium somewhere between white rum and dark, and has more flavor than white whilst a bit lighter and less hangover prone as than the dark stuff. Amaretto: Made from distilled fermented almond. It can be very, very sweet. But be careful with this one, it packs a major punch. Absinthe/Absynthe: Made from distilled fermented wormwood, anise and fennel. Legal in Europe, illegal in America though there are guides on the internets on how to make it, said to contain magical powers (read: hallucinogenic), as illustrated in that movie, Eurotrip. Don't expect anything if you do drink it though; the 'hallucinogenic' compound (Thujone) that makes it illegal to import to the US (but not to possess) is found in far higher concentrations in many mundane consumables with no effect. Its concentration in absinthe is insufficient to have any effect on the human nervous system, and studies show that absinthe only causes extreme responses in people who already expect it to make them hallucinate (placebo effect). Basically, the rumors are remnants of mass hysteria from the temperance movement, and those were people who held that a quick beer would turn you into a raving sociopath so you probably shouldn't trust them too much. It is traditionally mixed with water which gives it a milky color instead of the clear green in the bottle. This makes it a very high percentage (60-89.9%), as there is virtually no water in it. People tend to drink it straight to get pissed quickly, due to its high percentage - but note that it is not a cheap spirit. Vodka will suit better, use absinthe only if you like the unique taste. (NOTE: Absinthe is now legal in at least parts of the US, might want to check though before consuming.) Mead: Very, very ridiculously fucking sweet, almost syrupy, made from fermented honey, combined with fruit juices and spices. The beauty of it is that with just a few common ingredients, you can brew this in your closet for pennies on the gallon. Moonshine: Just don't drink it. People who brew moonshine add industrial alcohol to make it more alcoholic, but it also makes in poisonous. If you drink bad moonshine there is a good chance you will go blind or die.

Everclear: It is impossible to have a beverage that is 100% ethanol. This being said, Everclear tries very hard to prove otherwise, and is usually about 96% alcohol. It will fucking murder you if you are stupid about it.

NOTE: 100% ethanol is technically possible by jumping the azeotrope, but the pressure chamber equipment required is rather costly to acquire and operate and any such resulting drink would be not just prohibitively expensive but also pointless as a mixer (as this puts it back below the azeotrope).

The Dreaded Hangover Like getting wasted!!1, going through a hangover is one of life's many rich experiences (Read: learning the hard way), without which one will never have properly lived. 

What is a hangover?: Many inexperienced, underage b& drinkers have misconceptions about hangovers, but in truth: a hangover is simply - dehydration. In layman's terms, digestion of alcohol makes your body lose water, a LOT of it. If you are awake while drunk, you will feel thirst kicking in and drink some water, but you cannot do so while passed out, hence the hangover in the morning. How To Tell If You Are Hung Over: Headache of various intensities, a tremendous urge to urinate, extremely yellow urine, extreme thirst, extreme nausea, an inability to withstand strong lights or noise, or any combination of the above indicates a hangover. A particularly heavy hangover (Tequila, Everclear, and wine are the biggest offenders) will include all the symptoms. MAKE IT GO AWAY!: Just drink a few tall glasses of water, and piss until your piss is no longer yellow, by then your hangover should mostly be gone. Some people have their personal hangover treatments, I have found that a mixture of orange juice and lemonade is particularly helpful, if other Anon have their personal hangover cures, I encourage them to post it here. Another hangover helper is to drink a glass with one half (Un-heaped) teaspoon of salt and another half of sugar dissolved in it, which helps to replace some of those precious minerals you sweated/pissed/puked away the night before. Contrary to popular belief - coffee will not help a hangover, coffee will make it worse. Again, the universal cure for a hangover is WATER. LOTS OF IT. Drink water like a fish. If you can't hold that down, get yourself some milk or some ginger ale. Both naturally help to calm your stomach down so you can rehydrate. I'm unaware if this is the case for everyone, but in my experience a breakfast of bacon and eggs helps a lot with a hangover. Prevention Is The Best Treatment: Have a glass of water with every standard drink you have. (A standard drink is equivalent to one beer, or one shot of hard liquor, or one glass of wine, your body takes about an hour to digest one standard drink). Make sure you have eaten recently before drinking heavily as this will help cushion your system to an extent. Drinking milk will NOT 'line your stomach', but instead will curdle when mixed with alcohol and increase the chances of you blowing chunks. Keep water by your bedside if you have a designated crash pad; otherwise, memorize the crawl-path to the bathroom/kitchen/hose. This also has the added affect of giving the illusion to others that you are lasting longer, which can be good for the reputation in certain circles. Also if you really absolutely need to avoid a hangover the best advice I can give would be to stay up drinking water as late as possible until you can feel yourself sobering up, prevent it before the mind numbing effects of the alcohol wear off.

Or, shit, just don't go heavy on the alcohol. Three or four beers will rarely make the average guy (~150lbs) have any kind of "major" hangover, just so long as he isn't an extreme lightweight. Obviously, though, if you pass out and wake up with a hangover, you drank too much- but blacking out, well, that's a whole other story.

Alcoholic Anonymous Hello from a much sauced up loser! I go to a large public university in California where there is little else to do except for tipping cows, surf /b/, and, you guessed it - getting drunker than Dionysus. Think about it - you put a bunch of kids together, fresh out of their teens and legal to buy alcohol, and take away the parents and inhibitions, fun, hilarity, and sex with slutty girls will ensue. If you are underage b&, GTFO, and if a promising, bright future with plenty of monies wont motivate you to earn the grades to get into college, let the promise of 4 drunken and hangover years with plenty of hot women and freedom from parents be your driving force! Now then - on with the article. When alcohol and culture meet, worlds collide. In between, strange new drinks are made. Humans have been consuming alcohol for centuries and granted - alcohol isn't exactly ambrosia and nectar, I will even go as far as to say that I would rather put shit in my mouth than drink Everclear with nothing mixed in. Think of mixed drinks as the sugar coating outside a very bitter pill. There are thousands of drink recipes out there to lubricate the intoxication process - and people are inventing them every day, no harm in getting a little creative yourself now and then, this article will cover the basics and the rest is up to you, cultured anonymous.

General stuff First - A warning. If you have been drinking, do NOT drive or operate heavy machinery, or put the lives of others in danger. Being caught drunk driving (especially if you are underage) will incur heavy fines, possible revoking of your license, possible jail time or having to go to court, as well as damage your reputation immensely and if you did end up hurting someone, the guilt will follow you a life time. Just look at Leif Garrett, and where he was in the 70s and where he is now. DO NOT WANT. Now then - knowing how to mix all sorts of drinks is a definite sign of class and refinement (read: attractive to women), being the bartender for a shindig makes you one of the centers of the party, everyone will flock towards you to get drinks. It is a VERY sexy skill to have. Or if alone - knowing how to mix a proper drink for a proper mood or setting will add to your appreciation of that mood or setting. The basic items needed to mix drinks The Kit

![A]( First you need to buy or assemble a bartending kit, usually they will look like the one in the picture above, fancy kits go up to about 50 dollars but if you wash it and take good care of it, it’s

good enough to last a lifetime. (Luckily alcohol, mixers and juices are all water soluble, soap isn't necessary, just a good rinsing and drying). Here is a brief description of what each item is and what they do. 1. Large Shaker - This is what you will do most of the mixing in, you add the ingredients, ice (if required), shake, and pour. 2. Small shaker - While not completely necessary, it is handy to have a spare lying around, also useful for making smaller amounts. 3. Speed Pourer Caps - This handy device is meant to be fitted on top of a bottle of liquor (Hard liquor only, NEVER put on top of a wine bottle or beer bottle), allows for fast pouring, and minimizing the mess. 4. Ice Scoop - Self-explanatory, can be used for other things. 5. Handheld Strainer - Apply to fruits, get fruit juice. 6. Mixing Spoon - Self-explanatory as well - DO NOT USE FOR ANYTHING ELSE. And do not substitute it with a regular eating spoon, there is a reason for this. 7. Bottle Opener - Self-explanatory. 8. Corkscrew - For wines. 9. Mixing glass - Use instead of shaker when required. Some kits contain other items but these are the basics, whatever else they include is likely selfexplanatory. Other useful items to have      

Drink Recipe Book - It’s good to know the common ones by heart, but just for reference. Blender Specific bar glassware (More on this below) Colorful bendy straws - Women seem to dig these. Knives - Protection from drunks and to cut fruits Measuring cups and volumetric conversion table - Usually included with most bar sets, very very useful to have.

Glassware First of all - picture this: You are at a college frat party, partygoers include morons, and whores, while this may be a very fun party, it is not very classy and cultured. The same plastic red cups are used for water, beer, other alcohol, beer pong, urine, and puke, there probably isn't a bartender, just pour it yourself, creating a huge mess, and having to clean it up the next morning while sporting a sharp hangover. The cultured anonymous does not embrace this style of drinking. As a bartender, it's important to uphold the classiness of the social gathering. It may be impractical to buy all the glassware listed, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to know them, just for informational purposes, I realize the drawings are a bit crude and some of the glasses look alike, but it was the best jpeg I could find. I will bold which ones are essential. ![Typical](

1. Collins - Tall and slender holding 10 to 14 oz, used for the drinks with the greatest liquid volumes. Sometimes frosted. 2. Shot - The common shot glass holds 1 1/2 oz. An actual "shot" glass may vary from 1 to 2 oz. A "pony shot" glass is 1 oz. A VERY useful container to have, as a lot of drink recipe manuals ask that you measure the liquors in shots. 3. Highball - Similar shape to the Collins glass but shorter and fatter of 8 to 12 oz. 4. Old-Fashioned - The short, wide "on the rocks" glass holding 6 to 9 oz. Used for drinking various unmixed drinks with ice. 5. Beer Mug - The standard mug holding 12 to 34 ozs. 6. Beer Pilsner - The tall, wide beer glass holding 16 ozs. 7. Irish Coffee Glass - The common 8 to 12 oz coffee mugs. 8. Pousse Cafe - A narrow glass essentially used for Pousse Cafés and other layered dessert drinks. approx. 6 ounces. 9. Parfait - This glass comes in various shapes. The stem keeps the ice cream from melting quickly. approx.12 ozs. 10. Red Wine - A stemmed round bowled 9 to 14 oz glass. Typically has a larger bowl than white wine glasses, to trap more of the wine's aroma. 11. White Wine - The standard 6 to 8 oz "white wine" style glass. 12. Sherry - This small narrow stemmed glass is the choice for Aperitifs (Dessert Wine), Ports, and Sherry, approx. 2 ozs. 13. Champagne Flute - 4 to 6 oz stemmed specialty glass. 14. Brandy Snifter - Usually 3, 6, 10 or 12 oz. The 6 oz size is most common. Can be used as substitute for the drinks that call for a shot glass. 15. Cocktail - Very versatile stemmed glass used for "straight up" drinks like the cream drinks and martinis. Sizes range from 3 to 6 oz but the 4 oz is the most common size. The larger 6 ounce saucer style is used for margaritas and frozen drinks. The 4 oz "V" shaped ones are commonly used for martinis. 16. Cordial or Pony - About 1 to 2 oz for some shot type drinks, liqueurs and layered delights. 17. Whiskey Sour - This is a stemmed, wide opening glass, alike to a small version of a champagne flute, approx. 5 ozs. 18. Hurricane - A tall, elegantly cut glass named after it's hurricane-lamp-like shape, used for exotic/tropical drinks. Size: 15-16 ounces. Note: In the United Kingdom, the standard measure of beer is one imperial pint, which is 20 oz. (Versus the 16 oz. American pint). You will be viewed as a lightweight for ordering half-pints without good reason (Such as driving)

Mixing Basic Drinks:  

Martini: One of the most basic mixed drinks in existence. Pour gin, add vermouth (dry white), and receive Martini. Garnish is commonly an olive or lemon slice. Vesper: for all you Bond-wannabees who will ask for a vodka martini, shaken not stirred, this is the real name. It is traditionally made with gin, vodka, and Kina Lillet. The latter is now replaced by Lillet Blanc due to its unavailability. Use a lemon slice for garnish.

Useless Fact: Ian Flemming, of Bond fame, invented the Vesper in the Casino Royale novel.

Protips for the Host or Bartender  

  

Designated driver is a must, for taking people home or going on liquor runs if your stuff goes dry. If you are the one serving others at a party, exercise best judgment when serving, keep a mental tab on how many drinks everyone had, stop serving a person if he or she is stumbling around on the verge of passing out. Maintain order if possible, if it is your place, you have every right to demand a person to leave the party if he or she is (including but not limited to) pissing off the other guests, breaking shit on purpose, or being a gigantic douchebag, BUT make sure that person has some way to get home safely, call a cab or enlist the services of the designated driver. Keep bottled water handy, thirst is a natural part of alcohol consumption. Like thirst, puking is a very normal part of drinking alcohol. Keep trash bags handy for pukers. If a person requests to crash at your place, let them. Better safe than sorry.

Protips for guests    

Don't drive to a party where you know you will be drinking. When ordering drinks, be patient, you will get it. Some people turn into angry drunks, avoid the angry drunks. If you know you are an angry drunk, try to keep it in check. Smoke outside if you enjoy a nicotine kick along with alcohol.

Drinks This is really what you need to know. You don't want to be the bartender who has to ask how to make the drink that was ordered. It’s embarrassing.

Popular Drinks Sex on the Beach

In a cocktail shaker with ice add:     

1.5 oz. Peach Schnapps 1.5 oz. Vodka 2 oz. Cranberry Juice 2 oz. Orange Juice 2 oz. Pineapple Juice

Shake and strain into a highball glass filled with ice.

Jägerbomb  

1/2 can of Red Bull 1 shot of Jägermeister

Pour Red Bull into glass and drop in shot of Jägermeister. Quickly drink the whole thing. Kamikaze

In a cocktail shaker with ice add:   

1 oz. Triple Sec 1 oz. Vodka 1 oz. Lime Juice

Also required 

1 Lime wedge

Shake and strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with lime. Incredible Hulk  

3 parts Hpnotiq 2 parts Cognac

Both drinks should be chilled prior. In a cocktail glass add the Hypnotiq, then the Cognac. Cosmopolitan

In a cocktail shaker with ice add:    

1/2 oz. Lime Cordial 1/2 oz. Triple Sec 2 oz. Vodka 1/2 oz. Cranberry Juice

Also required 

1 Lime wedge

Shake and strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with lime. Irish Car Bomb  

1/2 oz. Bailey's Irish Cream 1/2 oz. Jameson Irish Whiskey

1/2 pint Guinness Stout

Pour the chilled Guinness into a beer mug to settle. Pour a shot, half Jameson on the bottom, and half Bailey's on the top. Drop the shot into the mug and chug. Long Island Iced Tea

In a cocktail shaker with ice add:       

1 part Gin 1 part Rum 1 part white Tequila 1 part Triple Sec 1 part Vodka 2 parts Sour Mix Fill with Cola

Also required 

1 Lemon slice

Shake and strain into a collins glass with fizz at the top. Garnish with lemon. Mojito     

2 oz. Rum 1 splash club soda 1 splash ginger ale 2 Lime wedges 2 Mint leaves

2 oz. Sugar syrup

Mix together lime, mint, and syrup. Add to a shaker with rum. Shake and strain into a highball glass. Fill with soda and ginger ale. Screwdriver  

2 oz. Vodka Fill with Orange juice

Pour into a highball glass with ice. Mimosa  

2 oz. Orange juice Fill with Champagne

Pour orange juice into Collins glass with ice. Add champagne. Bloody Mary

In a cocktail shaker with ice add:      

1 shot vodka 3 oz. Tomato Juice Cinnamon 2-3 drops Tabasco 1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce A bit of Lemon Juice

Also required 

1 Lime slice

Shake and strain into an old-fashioned glass. Garnish with Lime. Gin & Tonic  

2 oz. Gin 5 oz. Tonic water,

Also required 

1 Lime wedge

Pour into a highball glass almost full with ice. Garnish with Lime. Blue Hawaiian

In an electric blender with 1 cup ice add:    

1 oz. Light Rum 1 oz. Blue Curacao 2 oz. Pineapple Juice 1 oz. Cream of Coconut

Also required  

1 Pineapple slice 1 Cherry

Blend ingredients at high speed. Pour into a highball glass. Decorate with pineapple and cherry.

Singapore Sling        

4.0 cl (8 parts) Gin 2.0 cl (4 parts) Heering Cherry Liqueur (cherry brandy) 0.5 cl (1 part) Cointreau 0.5 cl (1 part) DOM Bénédictine 1.0 cl (2 parts) Grenadine 8.0 cl (16 parts) Pineapple juice 3.0 cl (6 parts) Fresh lemon juice 1 dash Angostura bitters

Pour all ingredients into cocktail shaker filled with ice cubes. Shake well. Strain into highball glass.

Manly Drinks Because you are a man, aren't you? Whiskey Sour

In a cocktail strainer with ice add:   

2 oz. Blended Whiskey Juice of 1/2 lemon 1/2 tsp powdered sugar

Also required  

1 Cherry 1/2 Slice Lemon

Shake together and strain into a whiskey sour glass. Add half slice of lemon and cherry. Mint Julep    

2 1/2 oz. Bourbon 4 Fresh Mint Sprigs 1 tsp Powdered Sugar 2 tsp water

In a Collins glass, muddle together mint leaves, sugar, and water. Fill with shaved or crushed ice and add bourbon. Top with more ice and garnish with mint sprig. Serve with a straw. Martini

In a cocktail strainer with ice add:  

2 1/2 oz. Gin 1/2 oz. Dry Vermouth

Also required 

Olive or Lemon

Stir well. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with olive or lemon twist.

(PS The 'shaken not stirred' Vodka Martini of James Bond fame makes you look like a complete idiot, don't make it or order it.)

Prepared Drinks Jello Shots  

2 cups Vodka 3 packages Jello

Prepare the Jello as per the instructions (usually one cup of boiling water per package of Jello). Then add 2/3 the amount of vodka as you used water (here 3 cups water so 2 cups vodka). Then place the mixture in the freezer, as vodka requires colder temperatures to set then water.

Sidenote: You can freeze the mixture in plastic shot glasses for individual servings, or just scoop the jello into glasses with a spoon. Jungle Juice

The recipe for jungle juice will vary depending on where you look, but it remains more or less the same throughout. The most basic jungle juice should have either: 


  

Vodka Gin Rum


But it needs: 

Hawaiian Punch or similar fruit punch

Jungle juice is mixed in an ice chest, garbage can, other large container, or if you want to be classy, a punch bowl. Jungle juice is really a potluck of different alcohols. It is mainly drunk by teens to get "WASTED!!11" All you really need to do to make a decent jungle juice is pour a bunch of different alcohols into the container and add some fruit punch. You can also add fruit to

the mixture to get a result similar to sangria, where the fruit absorbs the alcohol, making it even tastier.

Writing Writing, dissected Essentially, writing is an extension of the art of storytelling. As all good /b/tards know, writing is also a huge part of *chan culture. Everything from incest to the unbelievably hilarious to copypasta, all of it is a product of the writing process. This process is at times incredibly simple or incredibly daunting. However, this process will vary depending on what you write. In explanation, writing copypasta is very much different than writing a book, and will invariably require a little less thought than a full blown novel.

Grammar Grammar is a problem for most people. Bad grammar can make you look like an idiot and your story look like something a retarded monkey scrawled on the wall with a turd. You may think that it is not that important, but it is. A simple Google on "How to use commas" can help you more than you probably think.(Or Reading Eats, Shoots and Leaves, which is a book on punctuation in the English Language.) It probably wont help you with everything, but at least you'll SEEM like you have a couple of brain cells rattling around in your empty skull. Buying a copy of The Elements of Style will probably help you more than anything. Just go to the bookstore and ask about it. It's fairly well known. If you're totally ignorant on the subject, you will probably find that it isn't quite as hard as you might think to write a coherent sentence.

What Makes a Story Good The difference between an excellent story and a horrible story is the same difference between JB and CP. Just like CP can be JB, an excellent story can be horribly written or a horrible story can be excellently written. One may fall within the category of the other, but in between is a world of difference. In general, there are very few real rules in writing. The only real thing that can doom a story is blandness. People want to be interested, not read a page of two near identical characters talking. Thinking of polar opposites will help a lot. If a character is meant to be a bitch, make her the bitchiest bitch that the world ever saw. If someone is caring, show it with detail. Love it or hate it, just so long as the reader doesn't feel indifferent to the characters, a story still has a shot. Details are incredibly important. Remember that when you are writing, you must paint a picture for someone to see just be reading the words. Choose words and write descriptions that evoke emotions, create mental imagery and are interesting. However, don't be overly thorough. Nobody wants to read about how that leaf was brown for half a page, but giving a setting with details or a few extraneous movements that a person makes can be all the difference.

Action and drama is a close second to detail. Things are more interesting when they're moving, whether it is an epic duel, a love scene or a robbery, conveying that action and motion to the reader will keep them interested and on the edge of their seat. This is especially true around the climax, where the action reaches its peak. This will make or break a story, but try not to overdo it. Symbology increases the depth of your book, leaving little nuggets of information for a closely watching reader to find. Whether it is a blatantly obvious lucky charm breaking as a close friend dies or some light foreshadowing, symbology leaves the intelligent reader making their own predictions. This is good, because it means they will turn the pages and read more excitedly to find out if they are right. Just a sprinkling of this will increase your writings mental worth. Double Scening works well to keep a reader interested as well. Eventually you will have to face the fact that your reader will get bored. However, if you somehow manage to split the characters apart and have two separate ongoing stories that are intertwined and will fuse together later on, then by all means do so! This keeps your reader turning those pages to find the next scene and increases suspension and curiosity, something none of us can resist. However, any more than two separate stories and it becomes more difficult to pull them all together later on. This may also confuse your reader as to what is going on if you do not have their rapt attention. Use this with caution.

Advice on Writing There are a number of ways you can give your story a better chance of being liked. Using proper grammar, for example, will make your story readable. No one will sacrifice their eyes reading 200 pages of leet-speak no matter how much you've pimped it. Avoid clichés, because reading about the vampire with a soul taking the names of other bloodsuckers at night in a trench coat with a goatee is only fun if you've been living in a mayo jar under twelve feet of dirt of the past thirty years. You can never create original content, because despite what you may think, every idea, every different take of a particular subject, every twist, red herring, plot device and McGuffin has been done before. You can never create original content; you can only get infinitely closer to it. Make a skeleton script. Pencil down how you want to begin your story and how you want to end it. It doesn't have to be precise, just in the general direction. Once you have a beginning and an end, it's only a matter of laying the tracks between the two. Read over the completed skeleton script and ask yourself "Why?" every time one of your characters does something important to the story. If at some point your characters are sacrificing live chickens to appease the dark lord after making out romantically in a café, your readers are going to go ""WTF, screw this shit" and drop your story cold. Every reaction is the result of a prior action. Make sure your characters always have motive.

Write What You Know

People can believe the most amazing things, if the things are written well; but to be written well the author must be informed on his subject matter. If you don't know what you're talking about, it'll show. You'll sound false, insincere, and that's fatal to any form of writing, fiction or otherwise. If you like science fiction and don't know shit about how spaceships work, or don't know the names of all their pieces, don't have a fucking heart attack: this information, and pretty much all nonfiction information of every sort, is available online. Use your Google-Fu. It is also possible that you know only what entertains you--and in some cases, that is enough.

Violence Rule one about writing violence: Don't go fucking overboard. There is no better way to sound like some snot-nosed middle-schooler than by trying to put as much HaRdCoRe gut-splattering violence as possible into your story. This is not to say that violence is bad, or you should shy away from any amount that is necessary. Just don't spend 7 pages describing how Dirk McToughguy kills Generic Soldier Henchman #3235 with his akimbo Mac-10-Ar-15 Assaultmachine-shot-rifle laser-model telescoping sight extended-magazine bullshit launcher. For examples which it would pay to emulate, or at least contemplate, see: All Quiet on the Western Front, Dune, Black Hawk Down. To see what NOT to do, peruse some Tom Clancy.

Example of a Well Written Story Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Damaged Goods. I know that the legitimacy of Damaged Goods is continuously in question, but I will still be so bold as to call Nurse-kun a writer. True or false, the story is gold both because of what's happening in it and because of the way he writes it. It's not Shakespeare and I know many Anons prefer it that way, but it has charm. On this note, consider the following. Many would say that you should try to reduce every sentence to the bare essentials to make your passage more efficient. Anonymous digresses, as this cause stories to be distances and unfeeling. In the case of Damaged Goods, Nurse-kun's posts could easily be trimmed of all non-essential information without infringing on the story, but this would undoubtedly make it less interesting. Plot is something we usually don't notice because it's either done well enough to suck us in, or so absent we can't maintain a suspension of disbelief. Details, however, are something we constantly notice, whether the plot is good or bad. Attention to details is always good, just so long as they relate either to the reader or to the story.

Dealing with Writers Block Yes, it happens to everyone and it will eventually happen to you. One day, you'll find yourself unwilling or unable to write, either because you lack interest or because you've written yourself into a corner and can't find a way out.

There are a myriad of ways to deal with this, though the best is generally considered to be starting a new story. If all comes to all, you could even tempt the fates and write up a juicy incest story for /b/tards to fap over. Also, seek inspiration by watching a shit-ton of movies, anime (You fucking weeaboo) or any other form of media that may spark some creativity in your flaccid, desolate mind. On a slightly more proactive note, ask yourself questions. Good questions lead to answers--but great questions lead to more questions. Ask yourself what your protagonist wants; ask yourself why he wants it, and what gets in his way so that he can't have it; ask yourself "What If" scenarios for new stories; ask yourself all sorts of questions, they'll lead you to unexpected places.

Getting Published Probably won't happen, but it never hurts to try. Many magazines publish short stories (ones that are under a certain word count) and accept admissions through either Email or snail-mail, although snail-mail is generally preferred. For the love of god, SPELLCHECK before you submit. Editors can only endure so many typos before they chuck your shit in the bin and call it a night. Do not be surprised or discouraged if you are rejected. It happens more often than not even to really great writers, especially if they are previously unpublished. It is very easy to become angry with these publishers, but please DO NOT send back any angry responses. You would be surprised how word can travel about that crazy asshole that went all Columbine over being rejected. If you get a personalized rejection, then be happy: It meant that the editor thought enough of your story to send back something written by he himself. (Editors go through lots of stories in their slush piles--and they are "slush" piles only because it's indecent to call them "shit" piles.) Easier still, is submitting online. Look around for writer communities such as Critique Circle. Keep an open mind for critique and don't go ape-shit when someone tells you your story sucks. It's going to happen and you might as well learn from it.

Essential Reading 

Zen in the Art of Writing, by Ray Bradbury: It has nothing at all to do with Zen, but it's a good, brief read for people who love to write or who would like to learn to. Say what you will about Bradbury, but the man loves his craft. To write well, so must you. The Elements of Style, by EB White & William Strunk: Whereas Bradbury is inspirational, Strunk is purely instructional. He outlines very clearly what to do in almost every situation that can arise in written English. The book is brief, and preaches brevity-essential if you don't want readers to say to themselves, "tl;dr".


Introduction *sigh* So, the Well Cultured Anonymous wants to learn about music? Music is emotion. A lot of things can be surmised from a person's musical tastes (including how shitty and generic you are.) Let me put it this way, certain girls like certain music, and seeing as this book is about becoming a date-able fuck let’s get to it. Broadly speaking, music can be broken up into a handful of prototypical genres, which will then break down into smaller genres. At its most general, music can be categorized as belonging to one of the following or some blend thereof: 

Rock Most modern instrumental music is some form of this.

Hip-Hop Another modern genre in which the emphasis is placed on lyrical structure.

Electronica The third 'modern style', differentiated from rock by its dependence on synthetic sound.

Classical Highly traditional music. Sooner or later anything worth listening to will become so copied that the examples which persist become 'classical'.

Jazz (is there a more generic term for this? Jazz feels way too specific)

Broaching the gap between classical and modern music, this is associated with swing music and the brass bands and those artsy beatnik improvisational shit most popular in the mid-20th century before everyone got hard for electric guitar leads. Everything else is pretty much a sub category of one of these. The lines between each get pretty fucked up some times (much like a Southern family tree).

Christ! is this really that hard? Electronica covers a shit load of things, Hip hop covers a shit load of things, PUNK DOES NOT!! FUCK!--Cyber Pope 19:01, 21 October 2007 (UTC)

Rock Rock is pretty broad, it includes everyone from Fallout Boy to DragonForce to The Who to The Suicidal Tendencies to the Grateful Dead to Nile to Nirvana to Rush to Lynyrd Skynyrd...

Classic Rock

Rock music that spans from the late 50s to the early 80s, this genre evolves as time moves forward. There are certain bands that are of disputed genres, but here are the big classic rock bands that most classic rock fans (read: potheads) identify with The Beatles - The four Liverpudlians who revolutionized music, no introduction necessary. The Beatles have an incredibly diverse discography, many solid Rock n' Roll numbers, poppish numbers, a few proto-metal tracks, and lots and lots of experimental shit as the result of them doing tons of LSD. Many Beatles songs feature exquisite, deep lyrics, while others can stray into sentimental puppydog tripe. Recommended albums: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Revolver, Magical Mystery Tour, Abbey Road, White Album. The Who - Heavier than the Beatles, started with solid track based albums, and moved on to concept albums. While many of The Who's songs are familiar as easily accessible pop numbers, all of the band's members were talented musicians and consequently a certain level of technical skill, and even progressive elements, present themselves. Two of the original members are still alive and the last time I checked, they are still touring under The Who name. Recommended albums: Tommy, Quadrophenia, Who's Next Led Zeppelin - Arguably the most influential band in the history of rock, Zeppelin revolutionized everything; the music, the stage antics, the backstage antics, management style, concert booking, and fucking lots of hot women. Zeppelin songs range from heavy, galloping rock, to soft acoustic numbers. They are a particular favorite of douchebag pot-smoking high school freshmen, but this should not discourage anonymous from giving them a good, long listen. Recommended albums: Presence, Led Zeppelin 4, Houses of the Holy, Physical Graffiti Pink Floyd - Psychedelic rock at it's most easily defined. Pink Floyd shares some similarities The Beatles, but generally more experimental and with darker overtones, while still keeping with the deep lyrics. Pink Floyd is usually divided into the Syd Barret era, Roger Waters era, and David Gilmour era. The Barrett Era is considered to be more acid-y, but still heavily maintained pop sensibility. This era lasted the shortest, but Barrett's work with Floyd influenced Pink Floyd for the rest of their collective careers, as well as millions of artists worldwide. The Waters Era is characterized by political messages, deeper lyrics, and discussion of quasi heavy issues. The albums in this era are the most well-known, and every casual Floyd fan (read: pretentious college fuck) has listened to these albums. The Gilmour era albums were considerably lighter, and slightly less psychedelic. Albums from this era are often the most neglected, but contain some sick guitar work. Recommended Albums: Dark Side of the Moon, Wish You Were Here, Animals, The Wall. Queen - Queen have some of the world's biggest hits ever and not essentially created the "Rock Opera" with the epic song Bohemian Rhapsody. Their music is probably the most likely music you will hear in a pub as a lot of their songs have become instant pub classics. Queen is highly definitive of the Arena-Rock style, with a bombastic, highly-wrought feel about the music, heavily harmonized vocals, and easily accessible music. The majority of their songs are upbeat tunes that will want to get you moving. (It is law now that if Bohemian Rhapsody is played,

during the first guitar solo you must drop everything [including] and play the air guitar. Then, during the start of the metal segment, you must head bang. Failure to do this will invariably result in death.) Recommended Albums: A Night At The Opera, Jazz, Innuendo, Greatest Hits David Bowie - David Bowie's career has stretched from the 60's to now, and has stretched and accomodated every decade and major genre out there at least once, You may not like his most recent work as much as his older work, as it has stretched into electronic music and hearing an aging rock star singing to a techno beat can turn people off. Recommended Albums: Ziggy Stardust, "Heroes", Aladdin Sane, Best of Bowie(2-Disc) U2 -Ignore "Vertigo", these guys are simply amazing if you give their earlier music a try. Theyve done everything from hard rock to dance. Recommended Albums: The Joshua Tree, Achtung Baby, Zooropa, War Van Halen - One of the biggest bands of the late 70s and early 80s, Van Halen pretty much defined 80s rock, and pretty much all rock lead guitar since Eddie Van Halen recorded "Eruption." Catchy, simple, and accessible songs usually about stuff like girls and partying, Van Halen do what hair metal wanted to do, but they do it right. Recommended Albums: Van Halen, 1984. Modern Rock

Anything that's not classic rock. This isn't a genre per se, moar like a time period. There are many genres and sub genres of modern rock, a few examples are as follows Nirvana - (Grunge Rock) Older /b/tards will remember the 80s as a time when powerballads and hairbands ruled the charts. It was good in the beginning until bands started copypasta-ing every KISS and Van Halen song there was, and hair metal towards the late 80s was filled with faggotry, shallowness, 30 minute guitar solos, etc, with each band sounding and looking much the same. Nirvana is pretty much the reason why these bands are no longer around. Nirvana started the Grunge subgenre (AKA the Seattle sound, its dead now guys!!), with moar simplified guitar tracks, less emphasis on guitar solos, faster rhythms, more ferocious vocals about the bleaker aspects of society, crazy people, etc, a welcoming change from some guy in tight pants singing about his wives. Recommended Albums: Nevermind, In Utero Weezer - (Alternative Rock, "geek rock") Weezer is one of those bands that do one good debut album then put out shitty albums for the rest of their career, but once in a while you hear a rare bside or unauthorized recording and wonder why it never made on any of their official studio records. Very catchy, well composed music that combines the liveliness of punk rock, but also has some tight guitar riffage and solos too. A lot of their songs are funny and nonsensical, and a lot of songs are about girls, love and all that, and a LOT of songs about random stuff. An important upside to Weezer's music is that their catalogue (their collective recordings, including those rare b-sides and stuff) is very diverse, they do songs that incorporate elements of almost every genre of rock, while adding their own touch of melody and punk. Recommended Albums: The Blue Album, and every b-side or rare recording you can get your hands on. In fact

theres a torrent floating around somewhere thats about 1.3 gigs big, includes all the studio albums and rare recordings, worth the download. Muse - (Alternative Rock, New Prog) Muse is a trio that hails from the UK, a favorite of /b/tards, has a surprisingly big sound for three people. The music of Muse combines fast, ferocious guitar lines with rock steady basslines and drumlines, while incorporating elements of dance and electronica, and most importantly, classical music. Lyrical subject matters usually include conspiracy theories, end of the world, that kinda stuff. Recommended Albums: Absolution, Origin of Symmetry The Strokes - (Alternative Rock, Garage Rock Revival) The Strokes is a much hyped band from New York, but found initial success in the UK. Their music is very raw, energetic, and sometimes simplistic, but the songs sound like you've known them all your life. Lead singer Julian Casablancas brought the band and writes most of the music and lyrics. Recommended Albums: All of them Foo Fighters - (Alternative Rock) After Kurt Cobain became an hero, Nirvana's drummer, Dave Grohl, traded in his drums for a guitar and a mic to surprisingly good results. The band has everything from hard hitting rock to some of the most soothing tunes around. Sometimes it will appeal to everyone in the room, other times it will come down to personal taste, but either way these guys have some of the best current music has to offer. Recommended Albums: In Your Honor, There Is Nothing Left To Lose Pearl Jam - (Grunge Rock, Alternative Rock) One of the biggest bands from the grunge scene along with Nirvana, Pearl Jam kept the bleak outlook and dark lyrical themes of the grunge, but took a lot of influence from '70s rock, with a more polished production, lots of catchy choruses and prominent guitar solos, at least on the first few albums, after which they started going into somewhat more experimental and somewhat folk, or at least Neil Young-influenced work, but they've been returning to their early '90s style. Recommended Albums: Ten, Vs., Pearl Jam Nine Inch Nails - (Industrial Rock, Alternative Rock) They're grunge without guitars and only keyboards. INCREDIBLY dark lyrics, catchy melodies, a lead singer who gets more vagoo than Hugh Hefner, and a just plain badass sound. Recommended Albums: The Downward Spiral, The Fragile, Year Zero Emo/Post-Hardcore

Nowadays "emo" is a tag mostly attributed to angsty pop rock bands such as My Chemical Romance or Panic! At the Disco, when it actually started as a hardcore punk spin-off, but those days are long gone, nowadays it's just a bunch of faggots in girl pants playing pop tunes about breaking up. Recommended Bands: Fugazi - Together with Rites of Spring one of the defining bands during the transition from hardcore to post-hardcore/emo, their earlier works is pure hardcore but came increasingly complex, thoughtful and angsty over the years. Recommended Albums: Red Machine, In On the Kill Taker

Rites of Spring - Probably the defining emo/post-hardcore band, good music, sadly relatively unknown compared to all the shitty popular emo stuff nowadays. Recommended Albums - End on End, Rites of Spring mewithoutYou - A more recent post-hardcore band that incorporates folk elements, melodic bass playing and a mix of cried, wailed, sobbed and screamed vocals, which works out a lot better than it sounds. They're Christians, but their relatively symbolic and deep lyrics touch upon subjects that are relevant even to atheist Anons, namely being a loner and a 25-year-old virgin. At The Drive-In - A now legendary post-hardcore outfit from El Paso, Texas. This band, while short lived, are now famous among those in the know of alternative music. With highly metaphoric lyrics and guitar playing ranging from conventional and basic to unheard of stylings, this is one that needs to be checked out. Fun fact: After the band split, the various members went onto form Sparta and The Mars Volta Recommended Albums: Relationship of Command 

Shoegaze: A combination of Britpop, Dreampop, Alternative Rock and ton of distortion, main bands include My Bloody Valentine and The Verve.

Metal a mess. There's just too much of it. Go to /mu/, and you'll learn more than you ever needed to know, all you need to know right now that you can blame Black Sabbath for kickstarting it and Iron Maiden for eventually giving birth to all the faggoty fantasy-themed stuff. Essentials: These are the classic bands that don't really fall into any of these subgenres, but have been around so long that they've had a major role in developing them (i.e. Iron Maiden and Judas Priest in developing Power Metal, Black Sabbath in developing heavy metal in general) Black Sabbath - The band that is considered the most important founder of heavy metal as we know it, influencing many bands for decades after their rise and fall. Way ahead of their time, they preferred use low, droning distortion and leitmotif-like riffs to tell epic narrative stories (Iron Man) or fast and powerful minimalist jams (Paranoid) about the "heavy" elements of life and existence from a realist standpoint, unlike the hokey, cyclic pop songs of the decade. Their career tapered off after the mid-70's due to excessive drugs and tension between members, notably Ozzy Osbourne. They opted for a more power metal sound after Sabotage into the 80's, which attracted a whole different set of fans. Recommended albums: Black Sabbath, Paranoid, Master of Reality and Vol. 4 are essential. Judas Priest - Through the '70s and early '80s they were a Zeppelin and Sabbath influenced hard rock group, but through the '80s started making faster, heavier and slightly more technical music. Defined, like Iron Maiden, by having dual guitar solos/harmonies, and a distinctive, multi-octave range singer, but whereas Maiden were more of an "epic" band, writing somewhat progressive songs more about fantasy, mythology and the like, Priest had a more straightforward but still technical (for that time) sound, and while they sometimes wrote about somewhat fantasy-related subjects, they have a lot of songs that are pretty much just about rocking out. Recommended albums: Sad Wings of Destiny, Screaming for Vengeance, Painkiller

Iron Maiden - One of the biggest bands out there, it's extremely difficult to find a metal fan who doesn't love Maiden. Basically formed the template for power metal in the '80s, with fast, galloping guitar riffs, intricate dual- and later triple-guitar harmonies, Bruce Dickinson's powerful vocals, and fantasy/history themed lyrics. Recommended albums: The Number of the Beast, Powerslave, Piece of Mind Black Metal

Black metal is an atmospheric form of the metal genre that arose mostly in Norway during the mid-80s to the early 90s. It's characterized by fast tremolo picked guitars, generally mid-ranged to high-pitched screams/grunts, and production that ranges from thin (grim) and atmospheric to piss-poor. Calmer, atmospheric bands include: Burzum (Filosofem & Hvis Lyset Tar Oss Only), Drudkh, Darkthrone, Summoning, Wolves in the Throne Room; If you're looking for more aggressive and chaotic bands, check out: Mayhem, Gorgoroth, Emperor, Melechesh, Immortal; Death Metal

Fast, rhythmically intense metal music that involves guttural/throaty growls. The instrumentation is not unlike thrash metal, save the music tends to be more atonal, hostile and dark. Seminal early death metal bands include: Morbid Angel, Death, Obituary, Carcass; Some bands (mostly Scandinavian) have a more melodic approach, check out: At the Gates, Dismember, Dark Tranquility, Therion; Some infuse the genre with technical/progressive elements: Suffocation, Death (Human and onwards), Atheist, Gorguts, Cryptopsy; Doom Metal

Slow, ominous metal meant to induce feelings of foreboding and dread. Highly atmospheric at its best, and often strives for a sense of crushing power, can be divided into two major factions, the fuzzy, thick stoner doom metal: Sleep, Acid Bath, Electric Wizard, Bongzilla; and the more epic, cleaner epic doom metal: Agalloch, The Sword, Candlemass, Doomsword; Power Metal

Probably the first thing that comes to your mind, if you hear "Metal" as such. The focus is often on fantasy and there's almost exclusively clean vocals, the guitar work is usually very melodic, often supported by more or less cheesy synths. The genre's forefathers are generally Iron Maiden and Judas Priest, the current spearheads of the genre are: Blind Guardian, Sonata Arctica, Stratovarius, Hammerfall, Elvenking, DragonForce, Kamelot, etc. Progressive Metal

Progressive emphasis on the technical aspect of Metal music, songs features over-the-top solos, general pretentiousness and epic length. Dream Theater is the most recognized name of this scene, but there's more to it, such as Queensrÿche, Pain of Salvation, Fates Warning, Symphony X, Gordian Knot, Atheist, Cynic, Pagan's Mind, etc.

Dream Theater - One of the most technically-skilled bands of all time, Dream Theater are a rather polarizing band in the progressive and metal scenes. While they have their own distinctive sound, their songs vary widely, from calmer pieces with only piano and vocals, to 14-minute thrash metal tracks, to a hell of a lot in between. Known for their extended song lengths and complex, lengthy instrumental sections, Dream Theater are worth a listen. Recommended albums: Images and Words, Awake, Scenes from a Memory, A Change of Seasons (just the song, it's on an EP titled A Change of Seasons) Symphony X - Combining power metal, progressive metal, and even classical influences, Symphony X are a fairly unique metal band. While they have the technicality and insane soloing of prog metal, most of their songs aren't extremely long, usually ranging between 3-8 minutes or so. With one of the best singers in modern metal and Michael Romeo's offbeat yet badass riffs and solos, Symphony X should be checked out by anyone into power or prog. Recommended albums: The Odyssey, The Divine Wings of Tragedy, Paradise Lost Queensrÿche - One of the earliest prog metal bands as it's known today. While they have their occasional hair metal moments, they still hold their place in the genre as legends. Recommended albums: Operation: Mindcrime, Empire, Tribe Thrash Metal

Thrash Metal serves as a bridging point between classic heavy metal like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest and the more extreme genres such as death metal. Most thrash more or less abandons melody in favour of the almighty riff, meaning that this section's previous author didn't know what he was talking about. Megadeth, Metallica, Anthrax and Slayer are often considered the "Big Four" of Thrash Metal. Other good, less-known American thrash metal band include Exodus, Testament, Dark Angel and Sepultura. Beyond those, there's the Teutonic thrash bands that were seminal for the development of black and death metal, the three biggest bands being Kreator, Sodom and Destruction. Thrash is not the most varied of genres, but there's plenty of it if you like it. It's also getting quite popular again just now, with the "retro-thrash" or "new school" movement (bands like Municipal Waste, Evile, Warbringer). There is some confusion about this genre because the music media in America mostly called it "speed metal" during the 80s, while in Europe it was always "thrash" and "speed metal" referred to a ballsier version of power metal (like Painkiller-era Judas Priest, Primal Fear, etc.). Nowadays it is usually called thrash on both sides of the Atlantic, but there is still some confusion. Punk

What happens when Reggae/Ska fucks around with rock? You get Punk, that's what. Early punk started way back in the seventies, mainly in New York around clubs like CBGB's and Max's Kansas City, with The Ramones, New York Dolls, Dead Boys. Later the fashion aspect of "punk" was taken by Malcolm McLaren who managed the Sex Pistols after having failed as the manager for The New York Dolls. Some songs were harder(Anarchy in the UK), some softer (Rock the Casbah), and it split off into groups in the eighties, New Wave, Hardcore Punk, Punk Rock. There was also the 3rd rebirth of ska around that time, which infused with some Punk and Hardcore Punk, creating Ska Punk and Skacore. Then, the nineties came around, turning the

focus mostly on Punk Rock and Hardcore Punk. Since the beginning, punk is characterized by powerchords, simple musical structure, repetition, usually about the government, the establishment, anarchy, etc. The Velvet Underground - Seriously a mindblowingly influential band for punk music. If you want to call yourself well cultured, you will have to at least know they exist Recommended album: The Velvet Underground & Nico Rancid - A pretty popular Punk Rock band from the nineties, also infusing some Ska elements to it. Recommended Album: Out Come the Wolves NOFX - Also very well known, mostly for Punk Rock and Hardcore. Recommended Album: Seperation of Church and Skate Operation Ivy - A Skacore band originating from the west coast, very little is known about them in the mainstream, they only put out a few albums. Later, they added another guitarist and changed drummers, and became Rancid. Recommended Album: Energy Sex Pistols - Highly recognized punk band, wrote of classics like "Anarchy in the UK" and "God Save the Queen". Look them up. Recommended Album: Never Mind the Bollocks The Clash- "London Calling" ring a bell? That's The Clash, popular around the same time as the Sex Pistols Recommended Album: London Calling The Ramones - Awesome Punk Rock band from the late seventies, notable for "I Wanna Be Sedated", "Rock and Roll High School", "Blitzkreig Bop" and "Do You Wanna Dance" Recommended Album: Greatest Hits The Stooges - Iggy Pop and the Stooges actually, famous for crazy live shows and playing the bass really loud. Notable songs like "I Wanna Be your Dog". Recommended Album: Fun House Dead Kennedys - One of the first hardcore punk bands, they were defined by their surf guitar, the melodic bass playing and Jello Biafara's nasnal machinegun vocals that transported his cynic, aggressive, yet witty lyrics. Remember that awesome song from the first Tony Hawks Pro Skater with the chorus "Let's riiide, loooooow riiiide!"? That's them, song's called Police Truck. Recommended Albums: Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables, Plastic Surgery Disasters Jim Carroll Band - Lesser known, Jim Carroll is probably more famous for his poetry (The Basketball Diaries). "People Who Died" is maybe his most recognized song now days. Recommended Album: Catholic Boy Green Day - Before you say anything, listen to their earlier work. Holiday isn't bad, but before the year 2000, they had a much more Punk sound. Recommended Albums: Dookie, Kerplunk!

Black Flag - Probably the best punk bands to come out of the 80s. Henry Rollins in his natural habitat. Recommended Albums: Damaged, Slip It In Goth

Mainly a product of post-punk and glam rock, goth developed in the late seventies - early eighties by a handful of European bands, while its cousin, deathrock, was developed in the U.S. The origin of the term is subjective, however, as it was used to describe the bleak sound and lyrics of Joy Division, and it was applied to Andi Sexgang of Sex Gang Children, who was known as "The gothic goblin" for his strange habits; as such, many goth bands were simply known as post-punk before the term became a solidified genre. The scene gained much of its growth from clubs like London's Batcave (where bands like Alien Sex Fiend and Specimen were very popular). The genre itself is often very atmospheric, usually involving brooding basslines, wavering guitars, tribal drumbeats, and crooning vocals (if male) or wavering vocals (if female), though different elements are often used, making it very experimental. After goth and deathrock, genres emerged such as darkwave, dark cabaret, ethereal, and others. Themes include gothic horror, romanticism, existentialism, nihilism, mythical/macabre creatures, and others. As such, some songs are SRS BZNS, while others are blatantly campy. Bauhaus - Frequently known as "The godfathers of goth" by critics for their breakthrough single, "Bela Lugosi's Dead." However, their style often fluctuates in each album, occasionally drawing influence from dub, reggae, funk, and others. Recommended Albums: In the Flat Field, The Sky's Gone Out Siouxsie and the Banshees - Though they also did punk and post-punk, their later work evolved and made this band another goth icon. Recommended Albums: Peepshow, A Kiss in the Dreamhouse Joy Division: - Mostly known for Ian Curtis's suicide and the song, "Love Will tear Us Apart," their gloomy lyrics were a major influence to later bands. Recoommended Albums: Unknown Pleasures, Closer Alien Sex Fiend - A much more light-hearted group, known for Nik Fiend's on-stage antics and songs such as "Now I'm Feeling Zombified" Recommended Albums: Who's Been Sleeping In My Brain? , Here Cum Germs Sisters of Mercy - Fairly popular back in the 80's; mostly known for songs like "Lucretia My Reflection" and "This Corrosion" Recommended Albums First and Last and Always, Floodland Christian Death - L.A. band that helped to kickstart deathrock in their earlier days; nowadays they have left their deathrock roots and become goth metal (since the original frontman, the late Rozz Williams, left). Recommended Albums Only Theatre of Pain, Ashes Xmal Deutschland - All-female German band, mostly known for the single, "Incubus Succubus"; drew heavy influence from Siouxsie and the Banshees in later work. Recommended Albums Fetisch, Tocsin

The Cure - While they are known for their pop work, early Cure had their "dark trilogy" during their 2nd-4th albums. Recommended Albums Pornography, Seventeen Seconds Virgin Prunes - Prominent Irish goth band, known for weird acts onstage (much like ASF and Bauhaus); some of their work tends to be quite tribal in sound. Recommended Albums If I Die I Die, Heresie

Hip-Hop/Rap A form of music driven by rhythmic, controlled speaking over instrumentals (usually beats and/or samples), with a focus on lyrics, image and well, rhythm. Lyrical subjects range from hedonism (most commonly found in gangsta rap in the form of bling, bitches, etc.) to social criticism to philosophy and religion. Solo

Aesop Rock - The backpacker, good lyrics, dark, atmospheric production and decent vocal delivery. "Labor Days" is a classic. Ambassador - Good old school rap that spreads the message of God. Even if you're an athiest, doesn't mean you can't enjoy this guy's music. Canibus - This guy's for you, the intelligent Anonymous with a soft spot for hip hop and rap. His lyrics are definitely on a new level, and may take a few replays to fully understand his songs Immortal Technique - Hailing from Harlem, a Hispanic whose raps usually revolve around social criticism, nutty conspiracy theories or homophobia and misogyny. Still, he's an excellent storyteller (check out the song "Dance with the Devil"). Kanye West - Just because he's mainstream doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to him. KRS-ONE - Said to be one of the greatest names in underground hip-hop. Check out: Kristyles, A Retrospective; LL Cool J - Ladies love Cool James. Listen to his old albums, unless you're into the mainstream shit that you hear in the radio these days. I personally recommend All World. Nas - His debut "Illmatic" is generally regarded as one of the most intelligent and important rap records ever, get it. Now. Skip his mid-career, he did a lot of poppy shit before he returned to his initial, intellectual style. Notorious B.I.G. - Along with Tupac one of the defining gansta rappers, he was fat, his eyes drifted apart like those of a fish and was shot shortly after Tupac.

Tupac Shakur - The gangsta rapper, even though he eventually wrote more and more socially conscious lyrics as time went by. His last album was so atypical and unorthodox for him that it left a conspiracy that he is still alive to this day, producing more and more of his own albums. Grandmaster Flash - This dude was involved with rap from the start. Groups and Duos

A Tribe Called Quest - Grammy Award-winning group, except they don't brag about it every chance they get *coughthreesixmafiacough*. All of their albums are sublime, very intelligent. Atmosphere Brand Nubian - Essential in turning hip hop mainstream in the 90s. Blackalicious - Look at this group's fucking name! Listen to these motherfuckers! (No seriously, they combine intelligent lyrics, complex, funky instrumental with excellent technique and delivery) Black Star - Mos Def and Talib Kweli, two hip hop legends. Cunninlynguists - Gangsta. Gangstarr - classic rap duo. Both albums are worth checking out, and you will sound like you know you shit if you reference them. D.I.T.C. - Diggin In The Crates crew. Members include Showbiz and A.G., Big L, Buckwild, Diamond D, Fat Joe, Lord Finesse, O.C. These rappers also have great solo careers. Eric B. & Rakim These two are those who started it all. Before these motherfuckers, rap was simple rhyming poetry that had 2nd grade vocabulary and styles. Pick this up and you can see how much hip hop today is influenced by this duo. Jurassic 5 - There's actually 6 members. However, if you're not listening to these guys, you're missing out. I personally recommend their self-titled LP and Power in Numbers. Nujabes - Yeah, I know, this guy you've heard from Samurai Champloo. Listen to his collaborations with rappers, though. Specifically: Feather feat Cise Star, Lady Brown feat Cise Star, and Luv Sic 3 feat Shing02 N.W.A. - One of the most successful gangsta rap groups. Banned from mainstream radio due to its controversial lyricism, that's were Ice Cube, Doctor Dre and AIDSY, err, EAZY E started their careers. Funky production, offensive lyrics, diverse rap styles - what's not to love? Pete Rock & Cl Smooth - Another great group that deserves great praise.

Run DMC - Best rap group out there (well was out there), fact. from early - mid nineties, these guys fucking pwned the world, until one of the members was killed over some KFC or something, these guy's probably have the best rap music video as well with "It's like that", YouTube it bitches. Sugarhill Gang - If you hear only one song by them, make it rapper's delight. and make sure you hear the long version. The long version is 11 minutes of the group rapping. It's rap music's odyssey, or it's Bible, I can't remember which analogy works best. Dj Shadow - Dj Shadow released the first-ever one-hundred-percent sampled album, "Entroducing..." which is considered a mile stone. Wu-Tang Clan - When Doc Dre's style of production threatened to turn rap into a poppy, funky sample fest, seminal producer/composer RZA instead wrote and recorded most of his instrumentals himself, creating a new, dark and minimalist style on Wu-Tang's epic debut, "36 Chambers". The lyrics mostly revolve around eastern-themed tongue-in-cheek violence and social struggles, the rapping and lyrics are diverse, fun and never monotonous. GZA/Genius (GET LIQUID SWORDS IF YOU HAVEN'T YET), Method Man and Old Dirty Bastard among others started here, but they never equaled the "36 Chambers". (Note: while GZA/Genius' Liquid Swords is argued to be the best Wu solo effort, Raekwon's "Only Built 4 Cuban Linx" definitely gives it a run for its money - while being one of the pioneering "Mafioso Rap" albums out there. Get it nao!) Madvillain/MF DOOM - All the same person, great voice. Hot beats. All albums are highly recommended. Madlib/Beat konducta/Quasimoto - Same person. Best producer out there. Gets the greatest samples. All albums are recommended.

Electronic Dance Music First of all, there is no such fucking thing as "Electronica". It is a marketing term used to appeal to the ignorant, unwashed masses. Secondly, it's not all fucking "techno". If you want to establish credibility with anyone who has half a clue about electronic music, you will know this. House

This genre nabbed it's name from the warm cozy sound that often can be heard from the speakers of a House party. All of that electro rock crap and Mr. Timberland get their playthings from House. It's obviously the most human sounding, and it's main stay, the 4/4 beat is still catchy after three decades. Also, there's about seventy-billion different subgenres, among which:

 

Acid House. Progressive House (like any style of music with 'progressive' appended at the front) is a load of bullshit. If you buy into it, by the power of Greyskull, I will come through your monitor and rape you with the force of a thousand Pyramid Heads. o Translation of this: hurr I hate music that isn't like what I'm used to. Listened to fucking any music you can, if you like it, good, if you don't, listen to shit you do, but never disqualify an entire genre.

Daft Punk - This French duo are the Ur-House band; you are almost guaranteed to have heard some of their stuff if you didn't spend the 90's under a rock. Recommended Albums - Discovery (or its derivative movie Interstella 5555), Human After All. Techno

Techno came out of Detroit in the late 80's. For those of you who don't know or give a fuck, Detroit was the entire US's bitch for cars at the time. So naturally a gritty electronic beat came forth from their greasy garages. Not long after everyone and their cam whore of a sister called EVERYTHING ELECTRONIC FUCKING TECHNO! (Please see the opening statement) Trance

The one genre that has a reputation for shoving the emotional essence of itself so far down your throat that it will actually pump your blood for you, via the bass line coming from the woofer. It is by far the easiest to listen to and by fucking far the best way to get laid, this and house. This is the one genre that has been usurped by the mainstream the most. Originally, the music itself was more repetitive and tribal, inducing an almost trance-like state, hence 'trance'. Then some assholes like Sasha and BT started making formulaic shite that turned the entire genre into a series of anthems and breakdowns. Nowadays, everyone thinks that Trance is supposed to be 'uplifting' or some shit like that, but they are just dumb fucks. Don't listen to them. Breakbeat

Another overarching genre that encompasses a million subgenres. Hip-hop just happens to fall under it. Breakcore

A crazy subgenre that combines a thousand others to create one mutant omni-genre. Characterized by extremely fast tempos, strange time signatures, and the Amen break. Good albums come from this genre all the time. A good way to explain it to someone seems to be 'where the melody is played on the drums'. Venetian Snares - Crazy breakcore producer who releases two to four albums a year. Has some of the most absurd beats around that encompass everything into one song. Makes music in unusual time signatures (but usually sticks with the trusty 7/4). Based in Winnipeg, Manitoba

and can’t stop talking about how much it sucks. He has made a ton of crazy insane break core and a lot of subdued glitch. His latest album is proof of how flexible he is when it comes to music; all but 4 or so tracks on the album is just classical orchestra music. The entire album is a testament to how able he is when it comes to electronic music making. Recommended albums Meathole, Songs about My Cats, My Downfall (Original Soundtrack), Huge Chrome Cylinder Box Unfolding Happy Hardcore

Imagine your girlfriend on her period. Either she hates your fucking guts, or wants your cock real bad. Happy Hardcore is kind of similar. Some of it is horrible noise you'd find coming out of a detuned radio, and some of it is just so candy coated it makes most people with taste sick. This is the Emo Rock of the Electronica world. Drum and Bass (DnB or Jungle Lite)

Eva' seen a nigga on a drum? Maybe a white guy closes by with a bass? Your pretty close to this genre then. Or better fucking yet, remember the sweaty dance scene in the second matrix? Yeah, yeaaaaaaaah... that's DnB. Trip-Hop

It's the sound of hip hop with strong electronica influence and that's very downtempo. Popularized by "The Wild Bunch", but known mostly as the style of Portishead and Gorillaz. SID

Sound Interface Device, this term is used to refer to any computer generated music of 1980's origin, the original term refers to the sound chip of the Commodore 64 computer. Original SID tunes aren't produced much anymore, but a rather large C64 music community exists. http://www.slayradio.org Industrial

Can encompass a lot of different sounds, but generally speaking this is the electronica version of Goth. Aggrotech, or EBM (the genres overlap so much they're nearly indistinguishable) is the best type in this anon's opinion. As a genre this is also typically associated with more instrumentally traditional 'Goth-like' groups employing a good density of electronic effects, such as Nine Inch Nails. IDM

The pretentiously entitled genre known as Intelligent Dance Music. Aphex Twin simply calls it "BrainDance". Pretty much the "miscellaneous" section, this encompasses the weirder end of the spectrum. Albums can consist of pretty much anything made using computers and digital

equipment, and what the genre lacks in consistency it makes up for in variety. Expect drums made out of motorbike samples, etc. Artists Anyone who recommends Tiesto, Oakenfold, or Ferry Corsten should be killed on-site immediately (Have fun trying to kill 98% of the trance community). DJ Sammy - a horrible fuck tard of a DJ who remixes classic 80's tunes and has hit mainstream acceptability. Anyone with any kind of experience in this genre will instantly know you're full of shit. Darude - If I fucking hear Sandstorm, hell if anyone even fucking mentions it, I will personally slip out from under your bed, shove a fucking K-Bar through your dick and into your gooch, then take a fucking defibrillator to your computer. Read me?! Armin van Buuren - one of the more skilled DJ's out there, while known extremely well in the Trance community as being a god of trance along with Paul van Dyk no one else in the world outside said community even knows about him. Fuck, go look him up on Youtube and listen to some of his stuff and look up A State of Trance, his radio show, it fucking wins. Dash Berlin - behind one of the biggest hits in the trance community at the moment, "Till the Sky Falls Down" (dub mix is made of win), they have some other great trance hits out there as well, look them up on MySpace as well. Justice - Do the D.A.N.C.E 1234, fight! They are pretty much the biggest thing right now in House, and are behind the hit "We Are Your Friends" and "D.A.N.C.E". Recently, "B.E.A.T" was released which has sparked discussion if Justice is trying to become the next Daft Punk, and it's fucking obvious, yes, who the fuck doesn't want to be Daft Punk?. Aphex Twin - Started making music at 14 by -not kidding- manually chopping up audio tapes and re-gluing them together again. In his early days he made typical early rave stuff, but with a perplexing oddness to it that caught people's attention. In his "middle years" he branched off into what can only be described as Aphex Twin. Tunes that sound only like Aphex Twin are "Funny Little Man" in which a digitally manipulated voice begs "come on funny little man, come on! COME ON!" over a glitch soundtrack and "Windowlicker," a tune made out of voice samples which features a video so epic that it needs credits. Recommended albums - Drukqs, I Care Because You Do, Come to Daddy. Also, Google "Rubber Johnny" for mildly disturbing Aphex Twin video fun. Paul van Dyk - one of the only artists in the electronica community where you actually have to pre-order your tickets months in advance, along with Armin van Buuren, this man is considered a god of trance. The guy fucking smuggled music into East Germany during the soviet occupation! That's how much more awesome he is than you. Paul van Dyk's Myspace

Basshunter - Some guy from Sweden. His music is aimed at gamers, so the only time his music should be played is at LAN parties (or at shitty "Pop" Nightclubs). If the the video to "Vi Sitter Här I Venten" is correct, by playing that song during a LAN party you will be swamped by a bunch of some of the hottest, horny Swedish girls. Massive Attack - popularized trip-hop as "The Wild Bunch" in the late 80's. Their debut album "Blue Lines" has often topped charts of albums you must listen to before you die in many publications. Their latest album "100th Window" is more electronic and a move away from the earlier trip-hop. Portishead - Categorized by their dark, spaced out, and highly compressed sound that is like electronica and soul put through a vintage hi-fi stereo system. UNKLE - Their first album was hyped to extremes and it both owned and fell flat on its face at the same time. The second one was quieter and less awesome and then their third album was like "Queens of the Stone Age" and "Massive Attack" had a baby. Combichrist - A nazi guy fucking around on a drum machine and singing the absolute weirdest lyrics you'll ever hear. It's actually really, really fucking good. Recommended Album Everybody Hates You. Recommended Music Video - Blut Royale. Important Links and a Final Word Ishkur's Guide to Electronic Music is a, well, what it says it fucking says, a guide to Electronica. A State of Trance is Armin van Buuren's radio show, and it should keep you up to date with what is popular and upcoming hits. Armin van Buuren Myspace check it out for some tunes. Dash Berlin's Myspace check it out for the hit "Till the Sky Falls Down". The vocal mix is the more popular one, but you will probably hear the dub mix being played more during raves. DJmag Top 100 DJ's pretty much go to these event's if you wish to get laid. Ibiza Go here (pronounced e-bi-tha) if you enjoy cheesy nightclubs, hedonism, casual sex, and fights with sunburnt British people. Now you've seen exactly how not to describe a band's sound. You should never use other artists as examples when describing a musical sound, unless you're talking to someone face-to-face and they know what you're talking about. Dumb fuck. One final note: All of this music is best appreciated with the use of Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (Better known as 'MDMA' or 'Ecstasy'). Go score some from your friends (If you even have any) that listen to this.

Classical There are many different styles of music that are put in the "Classical" category, one of which is called classical. Oftentimes classical music is interjected into modern productions, to the effect that certain melodies are instantly recognizable, even if you don't know the title or composer. The purpose of this section is to get you at least passingly acquainted with the true musicians and their works. What we consider Classical falls into several chronological periods:  

Renaissance Music Baroque o J.S. Bach  The standard in Baroque-era music, and surprisingly popular and recognizable. Highly structured and organized, Bach's music is undoubtedly Baroque, characterized by a lack of winds in the orchestra. Works that would be most familiar to the Well Cultured Anonymous would include the Goldberg Variations, the Toccata and Fugue in D Minor for Organ, and the Brandenburg Concertos. As one of the first of the great composers, Bach is essential in a classical collection. For you Evangelion nerds, Bach's music is featured prominently throughout the series. o Pachelbel  Pachelbel is a composer whose sole claim to modern fame is his work Canon in D Minor, his only canon work and entirely unrepresentative of his talents as a composer. Often overshadowed by Bach and his contemporaries, Pachelbel is still an excellent composer and well worth listening to if you have a little extra money in your wallet after payday. Early Classical, High Classical, and Late Classical o Haydn  Haydn's work really began the musical change from Baroque to Classical, and his work is marked by several periods of change that make his style difficult to accurately judge (a notable feature of Classical composers). While Haydn's works are often overshadowed by his contemporaries, the passing Anons should be able to recognize his Surprise Symphony, his Creation oratorio, and his collection of string quartets. o Mozart  Mozart remains the optimal example of a Classical composer, whose works throughout his life were purely and unmistakably classical in nature. His music is popular in modern culture, resulting in the prevalence of his work in the media today. His opera The Marriage of Figaro, serenade Eine kleine Nachtmusik, and the Requiem mass are instantly recognizable to people who may never have heard of these works. Mozart is a must-have in a classical music collection. o Beethoven  Undoubtedly the most recognizable and powerful of the Classical composers, Beethoven's most famous works include his Fifth Symphony, Sixth Symphony, Ninth Symphony (The Ode to Joy), Fur Elise, the Moonlight Sonata, and his string quartets. Powerful and grand, soft and emotional, Beethoven remains one of

the few composers able to cross the emotional spectrum successfully. You can't go wrong with a collection of Beethoven in your CD lineup. 

Romantic o Schubert  Schubert led a life that most Anons can sympathize with. He died young and poor, an accomplished composer but not recognized as such until well after his death. A background composer that few outside the music community have heard of, he still maintains his fame with the familiar tune Ave Maria, a common fixture among Italian restaurants and fake opera singers. Having a Schubert collection may single you out as a classical nerd, for better or for worse. o Schumann o Tchaikovsky  Russian composer from the later part of the Romantic,, for a long time had a patron that would sponsor his works on the condition that they never meet. Wrote astonishingly expressive, evocative pieces with a distinctly Russian sound. Probably most famous today for the love theme from "Romeo and Juliet Overture," and his ballets "The Nutcracker Suite" and "Swan Lake." In addition to the aforementioned works, check out his sixth (And last) symphony, the Pathetique. o Wagner  The German Opera composer to know from the Romantic period. Widely known to be a right bastard, and probably Germany's biggest anti-Semite until Hitler showed up (Hitler was, in fact, a great fan of Wagner's works). Asshole or not, fucker knew himself some opera, composing some of the most famous and dramatic works ever including the epic Ring cycle (so long that it is typically performed over the course of four nights) and the romantic tragedy "Tristan und Isolde." Both are definitely worth listening, though it isn't exactly impressyour-friends-with-your-good-taste music. Also, most people already know one section of the Ring opera, popularly known as the "Ride of the Valkyries." Think Elmer Fudd singing "Kill da wabbit!" It'll come to you.  Some people will associate people listening to Wagner with Hitler (see what a lack of brain can do, huh?), don't mind them, my typical answer was "being a racist doesn't deprive of music tastes" and "I may listen to it but it's not like I believe in W's ideas" o Mahler  Mahler is the most epic symphony writer of the Romantic period. This German wrote nine full symphonies (Several of which are 80 to 90 minutes long) as well as an unfinished tenth before his untimely death. As he said of his Eighth Symphony, "Try to imagine the whole universe beginning to ring and resound. These are no longer human voices, but planets and suns revolving." His music consistently brings listeners and performers alike to tears. Check out Symphonies 2, 5, and 8. Modern Classical o Stravinsky  Stravinsky pretty much kicks ass more than any other 20th century writer, cept' maybe he was on par with Schoenberg. Oh what's that? You want tri-tones. He's got your ass covered. 12 tone writing. Way the fuck ahead of you. OH, and what's that. TONANLITY?!? Well guess what? He's fucking got it. Everything

o o


o o

about Stravinsky kicks ass. When one of his ballets premiered, it was so awesome that it got a bunch of old people to start fighting. It was so awesome, he had to flee to avoid getting beat up. People of his time didn't appreciate him, but we know how truly kick ass he was. Schoenberg Carl Orff  Not a particularly noteworthy composer, German dude from the early 20th century, but he set a bunch of medieval poems to music, the whole of which was called Carmina Burana, which contains exactly one movement "O Fortuna" that everybody and their fucking brother knows. Was the standard dramatic/epic music for a while, now it's sort of cliché (Which is a pity, because it's still good). Dvorak  (Wikipedia classifies the man as romantic), most famous for his Symphony n°9 "From the New world" (It may not come to memory straight away, but the 1st part of the 4th move will remind you so many different occurrences at the same time your brain will be DDoSed). Czech author who infused in his music his origins, the 'Slavonic Dances' being a good example. (I'm not a connoisseur of music but it is pretty good). Debussy Shostakovich

Others Here are some slightly more obscure genres that don't really fit in the other categories. Jazz

Jazz is a musician's music. In fact, you most likely have to be a musician to even comprehend how amazingly complex and difficult it is. I mean, people take university classes just to be able to APPRECIATE it. That's how goddamn hardcore it is. Country

Country is an offshoot of rock, most notably seen in Lynard Synard (yes, the guys who made freebird), tends to focus on storytelling with acoustic guitars, typically telling a story. To be able to appreciate country (If you can't already, which, I don't blame you) you've got to ease into it, The Eagles are a good place to start, almost all of their songs are agreeable, and they're a nice mix of Classic Rock and modern Country. Most Country these days focuses on some story and has lots of repeats, stories tend to be either about sex ("Save a horse, ride a cowboy"), or some depressing topic to the extent of "I love you, why can't we be together?", or "why is she dead?" Maybe someday someone else will write a better guide than what I came up with. Unless you're looking to pick up redneck chicks, or redneck-poser chicks, you'll probably be all right not knowing anything about Country.

"Basic" Music

Here goes every music that doesn't really have established standards others have (Music sheets for classical, violent crap for rap etc.). This is the kind of spontaneous music you could hear anywhere, for example, you're walking outside, in a park, and you hear the sound of people playing the drums, that kind of music, nothing fancy, nothing elaborated, just play. This kind of music is the most natural one of all, it just goes with the one playing the instruments. Whether it's a guitar, drums, violin, hand claps, didgeridoo, etc. You don't need any "music" culture to listen to it and it can be pretty enjoying (Hand claps are used in gospel for example). It also can be a much stronger experience than going to a concert, because it is spontaneous, full of feelings and spirit.

Tips when Discussing Music This is a very fucking important protip, so clean out your ears and listen closely. Take the following phrase with you to the grave, and live by it every day of your life. Don't take someone else's music away from them. Sounds stupid? Well listen up. Everyone has different tastes in music. So what if you're a speed metal fan, and your friend listens to video game music, or something equally/more weaboo? The only purpose of music is entertainment, when you boil it down to a single word. Don't ruin that for someone, even if they like Ricky Martin. Music is music. If you happen to be discussing music with someone you don't have direct interest in destroying your relationship with, there are certain statements you should keep within you mouth. NEVER directly say that their music is shit! Of course, you probably think so, but say that you haven't heard enough of it to speak your mind yet, that it wasn't your kind of music, etc. If you have to say that it's shit, give specific reasons, e.g. their vocals are bad, the bass lines are boring, they're no fun live, etc. Don't go into a "hip-hop vs metal" discussion There's no way to really discuss what's best, because it's fucking individual. No one likes to be told that they listen to is crap, and in the hiphop fans generally end up telling the metal guy he believes in Satan. Dropping Names

There is a certain art in admitting to what music you like. Fact of the matter is, people WILL judge you based on what music you listen to, and you need to know how to not look like a complete dildo when someone asks what kind of shit that Nano of yours contains. Admit it, it's hard to respect someone who thinks Paris Hilton is a good musician. It's also hard to enjoy the company of someone who doesn't like any album that sold over 500 copies. You NEED to mention music that the other person at least somewhat respects. Since you can't really know what they respect or not, don't name SHIT. Simple, no? Take Hip-Hop for example, don't say you like 50 Cent. Say you like NWO, Run DMC or even Tupac. This way, if they know dick about music, they can't say anything. If they do, then you don't lose their respect and might actually *GASP* impress someone.

Avoid mentioning music the person has probably not heard of, because it leads nowhere in a conversation, and describing it will set off their dork alarm. This doesn't apply if you're on the topic of a certain genre of music, and especially when you have your MP3 player. You can also try this trick. Name something the person has most likely heard of, but never actually listened to. Have you heard these names before: Cat Stevens, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Frank Zappa. Most likely rings a bell. Have you listened to them? It's an easy way to come off as being different than the other people at the party, but not in a creepy picks his nose and eats the plunders kind of way. And a few pointers: 

If you mention an artist, make SURE to at least know some basic information about them like what genre they are, and a few song titles. Nothing's worse than finding a fan of the music, and you can't even name the hit song they've had on MTV constantly for the last two weeks. If you know something about a musician he or she likes, talk about it! Don't intimidate with vast and intimidating knowledge of the entire catalogue but tell them how you feel about it.

Music Recommendations Where we write down our opinion and shove them down your throat.

Anon Recommends   

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Nirvana: Because it's so much more than Teen Spirit and Heart-Shaped Boxes. Simple, yet poetic, but not whiny-bitchy like modern stuff. Beastie Boys: Good beats and funny raps, despite the fact that all members are white and jewish. The Misfits: Sure they heavily inspired My Chemical Romance, but forget that and listen. It's Punk Rock, sometimes with a touch of Rockabilly and Hardcore, with gory lyrics... Should make that goth girl you've been wanting to get with wet her panties. Immortal Technique: Awesome, at times intellectual raps, good beats, and actually discusses important topics of today. It also depicts thug life as the dark dismal reality it is. Death From Above 1979: Although technically Drum and Bass in the most literal sense of the word. almost considered metal, except the lyrics have EMOOOOOTIONNN. Like i stated earlier, they are made up of a Drummer and a Bassist, both incredibly skilled. They have broken up after just one album, 2 EP's and a few singles. Catchy as hell, and it will make you want to dance. At the Drive-In: (Alternative rock) Hardly anyone has heard of these guys, and yet they are possibly the best band ever. Their sound ranges from spaced out electronic songs. To power hungry rock and roll. Youtube their songs 198d then Catacombs to best see the diversity. Streetlight Manifesto: Third wave ska band from New Jersey. These guys are the ultimate example of third-wave ska. Insanely fast tempos, ripping horn lines, complicated drum patterns, quick and non-repetitive vocals, everything. They are influenced from a variety of sources (reggage, punk, classical, etc.) and you can hear it everywhere in their music (If and When we Rise Again quotes Hungarian Dance No. 5 by Brahms, for fuck's sake). If you're a fan of reggage,

  

punk, or jazz, Streetlight Manifesto will be right up your alley. Recommended albums: Everything Goes Numb, Somewhere in the Between Less Than Jake: My personal favorite band. Skapunk with meaningful lyrics, as opposed to the usual poppy happy gag songs of Reel Big Fish, Five Iron Frenzy, etc. Their style seems to change with every album, with Pezcore having the most punk sound, Hello Rockview being the most ska, and Anthem having a very mature sound. Their latest offering, In With The Out Crowd, was a little disappointing, but still better than most other bands. Recommended albums: Losing Streak", "Hello Rockview", "Anthem" Mindless Self Indulgence: Used to be a really good band, but has lately been pandering to fat angsty scene kids. Pretty good mixture of rap and techno, really good if you want to impress the girl working at Hot Topic. A very /b/ band. Recommended albums: Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy, Tight, Alienating Our Audience The Arrogant Sons Of Bitches: Another great skapunk band, thought leaning more towards skacore. Their lyrics mainly tackle the struggle of the music industry, self-depreciating humor and awareness, and being pretentious as hell. The latter most Anons can relate to. If you can stomach it, go onto iTunes and buy the nearly complete collection. Official bootlegs: Recommended albums: The Arrogant Sons Of Bitches! (collection), Three Cheers For Disappointment" Bomb The Music Industry: Front man of ASOB(above) continues his legacy. Dune: You WILL get a candy ravers pants. Annoying, but it will make annoying raver chicks gleeful. They Might Be Giants: You've heard Dr Worm, The Boss of me and probably Bangs. This rock duo infuses their music with tones of funny stuff the whole way through while touching on important subjects like identity, and well Christ, No One Knows My Plan is based on and directly references Plato. Animal Collective: They're huge in hipster circles, appealing to that pseudo-electronicpsychedelic mish-mosh of genres hipsters like. Anyway, don't give up on them, they're a truly inventive band with one of the few "unique" sounds left in music today. For those of you in touch with your romantic emotions, their album "Merriweather Post Pavilion" will strike a chord.

Dancing Introduction Social dance in general is a quick way to not only build up some confidence, but it also helps the real time closet cases (the ones scared of women) really begin to open up more. It's obviously shitty when you start (and you will always look like a douche, no exceptions), but, given time, you WILL get better. People who laugh at you for looking like a douche looked like a douche at some point in their lives, and should be ignored. Ballroom dance is the building block of most common dance, and it's a great intro. While it sounds somewhat boring, it actually can be incredibly fun, and, speaking quite honestly, it teaches you to be dominating on the dance floor. If you have a controlling streak in you, women

will love it. Nothing pisses off female ballroom dancers more than putting up with a guy who won't be willing to pull and push them around the dance floor in their arms.

How do I Start? Find music that you enjoy, then find an associated dance. This might be hard, or impossible if there aren't any forms of dancing associated, but if you're stupid enough to dance to grunge or "Skank" to ska, GTFO. Make sure you find the right instructor. This is especially important if you want to learn swing dancing, salsa dancing, or other nightclub pseudo-ballroom dances, because ballroom swing and salsa (among others) are far, far different from normal swing and salsa. University dance clubs are an incredible resource.

General Tips from the Beginning to the End of a Dance Step 0: Groom yourself before-hand. Step 1: Ask for the dance. If you are being asked:

Don't be a douche. Just dance. A song doesn't last more than five minutes, and it won't kill you to dance with them. However, if you don't want to dance for any reason, you don't have to. You don't have to give any reasons, a simple, "No thanks, not now, maybe later" will work fine. If you are going to give a reason, be honest about it, and be sure to dance with that person later. If you really want to be nice, wait out the whole song before you enter the dance floor with someone else. If you are asking: Be confident! (Or at least fake it) People generally wish to dance with someone that looks like he knows what he's doing. A simple "Would you like to dance?" is appropriate. If people are deep in conversation, don't even bother. Look for people with their eyes on the dance floor. If you are approaching a group of people, ask one specific person! Avoid asking a group, "Would any of you like to dance?" because everyone in the group will defer you to the other and it invariably results in a rather embarrassing period while the people decide among themselves who wishes to go. Furthermore, make sure you dance one song with everyone in that group; you don't want to make anyone feel ignored.

PROTIP: Don't be afraid to dance with better dancers! Grow some balls and ask that crazy follow (Or lead, girls) that's been dancing for eight years or more! This, guaranteed, is the most effective way to become a better dancer. Finally, if you are turned down, smile and find someone else. If the person that declined to dance with you offers an excuse, just assume it's true. If you really want to dance with that person, wait about two songs and ask again. If he or she declines to dance with you three times, just give up. Step 2: Dance! General tips:

Leads: Your job is to make sure that the follow enjoys the dance. This generally means that you should not show off, you should not feel up your follow, you should not say anything inappropriate to your follow, and you should not lead your follow into any maneuver she does not want to do. Dancing to Jazz If you're dancing around other people, observe what they are doing and just imitate. Remember that the most important thing is that you look like you know what you are doing and are enjoying it. That's way more important than any dance moves. Dancing to more popular music If you're dancing around other people, observe what they are doing and just imitate. Remember that the most important thing is that you look like you know what you are doing and are enjoying it. That's way more important than any dance moves. Dancing/moshing to metal First off, don't be a dick at the show that elbows people or tries to hurt anyone. Try and keep everyone around you saves and avoid jumping into people. Don't push people at the front of the barricade, it hurts. Basically, to the really heavy riffs, jumping can be very appropriate, and at any other time, head-bang. If you have very short hair, do not attempt head-banging, you'll look like an ass.

Cinema Anonymous Goes to the Movies Unless you actually are one of those Anons who spends every single waking moment masturbating to porn chances are you watch movies. That said, there is a huge difference between being a movie patron and being cultured in cinema. Being in the latter category takes

effort than simply knowing what movies came out last Friday. It does take a certain amount of effort in order to hold your own in a conversation about film. After a certain point, however, the effort should be minimal and naming obscure directors and writers should be like second nature.

Watch Some Movies One of the cases where the first step is actually the easiest. Get off the internet and go to a movie theater. Also, if you have any, bring a friend. A good conversation is always the best way to help solidify your opinion of a movie.

Broaden your Horizons The world does not begin and end with Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. All foreign films are not gay (Battle Royale being a good example). If you want to become cultured in cinema you need to understand that a good movie doesn't necessarily have to have shit blowing up and people fucking. Documentaries and period pieces are just a couple of the genres that generally elicit groan but surprise people in the end. Don't forget: 300 is technically a period piece. Also know that if it is new, that does not always mean it is good, in fact, it is rather the opposite, I have recently watched older movies, series and such, and have found in them much more content than many modern-day movie could ever claim to have. (Have a try at "A Clockwork Orange", "Citizen Kane" and "The Prisoner" while you're at it).

Don't Just Stick to Megaplexes While the quality of Megaplexes has increased dramatically over the last decade, don't forget your local art house theater. Many of the years most talked about films are limited to art house theaters. Make sure you find the one nearest to you in your local paper's Film/Art section. They also usually serve alcohol and that fucking rocks.

Pay Attention. Don't Just be There to be There Unless you're trying to score with a girl/guy/trap, it shouldn't be that hard to pay attention to a 20 foot tall movie screen. Still, you'd be surprised by how many people leave movies without noticing important aspects of what they just saw. Pay close attention to the little details such as dialogue, cinematography, set design etc. Unless the movie was complete trash, somebody put a lot of effort into making sure you noticed their contribution to the movie. Note: Try bringing up these aspects of the movie in a conversation. Chances are good that you'll be able to add some useful knowledge to your mental movie data bank.

Stay for the Credits Remember when I told you to pay attention to aspects of the movie you liked (of course you did. It was, like, ten damn seconds ago.)? Well, those scrolling letters at the end of the movie aren't just there to tell you when to leave the theater. If you really liked the costume design, park your

ass and wait a minute and you'll be able to attach a name to that talent. Also, a lot of directors show teasers to sequels or added bonuses during the credits. If you enjoyed the movie, it would be in your best interest to stay put until the lights turn back on.

The Internet is for More than Porn and 4chan If you skipped Step 4, fuck you. That said, you're probably still wondering who did the kick ass make-up or who was the composer of that kick ass sound track. Even though you were a complete tool for skipping Step 4, you'll be alright. The Internet Movie Database is the playground of the world's film geeks. Just search for the movie you saw and you'll be able to view the cast, crew and production staff in seconds.

Talk About What You Saw Like I said before, the best way to expand your knowledge of movies is to have conversations with other people. Sharing information in a public forum has been around for centuries. No reason why you can't use the same principle to find out more about films by a director you liked.

Rent Movies Most of the greatest movies ever made are sitting on the shelf at your local Blockbuster or Hollywood Video. Don't hesitate to pick them up and watch them. If you enjoy it, pick up more work by that director. Your mental movie database can only benefit from it. Also, if you're lucky enough to live near one, check out the artsy video stores. They tend to carry a wider selection of both classic and foreign films.

EVERYTHING IN MODERATION This step is very important. If you're like most Anonymous you have a tendency to obsess. While it’s great to know the works of your favorite writer, it’s not okay to know the birth date of everyone on the catering staff of his movies. Being obsessed with movies is no different than being obsessed with anime and that's like Lex Luthor stealing 40 cakes.

???? Actually, this is the most important step.

PROFIT! No wait, this is.

The Finest Entertainment

If you're not a complete death metal douchebag, you may want to pick up a copy of your city's weekly entertainment publication, or just check the local section of the newspapers. This is a treasure trove of entertainment information that can potentially land you in the sack with a chick at light speed, provided you use it right. Your city's symphony, if your city has one, will print what they're performing that week. Other things, such as concerts, charity dinners, festivals, block parties, operas, and plays will be in here as well. Try and find something you're interested in, or something your date-potential is interested in. Tickets to these events can range anywhere from $25 for nosebleed section seats to $500 for the best, but generally such tickets are fairly affordable. Pick something in your price range, buy some tickets, and enjoy yourself. If you can't enjoy that, at least enjoy dinner afterwards.

Let's Get Classy So you want to culture yourself up in the theatre, huh? Well, the best place to start is in the past, so let's take a look at some classic movies you can go over. This is not a full list, but it should keep you very well occupied for a good amount of time. If you really want to impress, start off old- I mean pre-sound old. Specifically, The Battleship Potemkin. What the fuck is this? Well, it's a silent film from Russia made about the start of the Red Revolution, in which a bunch of sailors take over their ship and bloody massacring ensues. This is generally regarded as one of the best movies of all time, despite the fact that 90% of today's population probably hasn't heard of it, so if you're looking for something to really make you stand out as cultured, look this up. Classics are always important- Gone With The Wind and Casablanca are pretty much required viewing for anyone looking for some culture. These also have a considerable number of people dying- the railway scene in GWTW is particularly impressive- and have some of the best actors who ever walked on a set. If you're particularly into the dying thing, there's no end of war movies to sate your appetite. Hell, you could spend your entire natural life watching the World War Two films alone. Forget Pearl Harbor- such dogshit doesn't know how it's done. Look up movies like Tora! Tora! Tora! (Pearl Harbor done right), Midway (about the battle of the same), Bridge on the River Kwai (lol British), The Longest Day (D-Day done right), Patton (of course), The Enemy Below (a personal favorite), and The Fighting Sullivans (not so much a war movie but it's still really fantastic). There's some more modern stuff that's great, too- Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line, and Enemy At The Gates are notable, though it is important to know that all those mentioned have heavily skewed facts. If you want some Vietnam, Full Metal Jacket and Platoon are the obvious choices. The only films I can name as must-sees for wars prior to 1939 are All Quiet on the Western Front and Glory, but that's just because I haven't watched many. There's bound to be tons more. Classic comedy is quite often far superior to modern comedy and, unlike modern comedy, relies more on the jokes than LOL RACISM or LOL SEXISM or LOL FARTS. In other words, oldschool comedy has CLASS. If you're looking for shota, look no farther than the Little Rascals, who are god-damned hilarious despite none of them being over 8. Bob Hope and Bing Crosby

are an unforgettable team-up despite any personal problems they had, and their "Road" movies (Road to Morocco, Singapore, etc.) feature an unbeatable combination of comedy and fantastic music, most of it sung by "The Crooner" (Bing). To get older than that, it's hard to beat the teams of Abbot/Costello and Laurel/Hardy, though these movies are sometimes hard to find and the jokes are getting quite dated by now, however, one black and white movie that can still be enjoyed is Arsenic and Old Lace. Heading back towards our time, Mel Brooks rarely fails to disappoint despite occasionally trying too hard, and if you haven't seen The Producers then you have no idea how funny Nazi jokes can be when done properly. One name you might like to remember is Stanley Kubrick, if you haven't heard it already. One of the most prolific film directors to have ever lived, he's done everything from war films ("Paths of Glory", "Full Metal Jacket") to period pieces ("Barry Lyndon"). A word of advice- his films all require you to actually think. But don't sweat it. No one can fully understand what just happened after viewing "2001: A Space Odyssey" for the first time. It would be hard to narrow down some recommendations, because all his films are so good, but one might like to check out "Dr. Strangelove; Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb," a hilarious satire of the Cold War. "A Clockwork Orange" is also a must. Kubrick also made a film out of "Lolita", the infamous Nabokov novel.

Movie Recommendations Tired of the simplistic disposable tripe that is being packaged and sold to people in cinemas as "culture"? Tired of trolling IMDB for a good movie to watch but finding nothing of interest? Has another unfulfilling week ended and its Friday night, and you've already fapped and are on the verge of tears about how pathetic your life is? Go watch some movies, its the next best thing. In the words of that faggot Dawson Leery, you can find the answers of all of life's problems in a Spielberg film. What a crock of shit, this is what Anon recommends.

Anon Recommends    

Donnie Darko - Time travel, lolis, Jailbait, creepy bunny rolled into one neat package. Hilarious and deep at the same time, plus the soundtrack kicks fucking ass. The United States of Leland - Features a pre-Notebook Ryan Gosling, he gets sent to juvie for killing some kid. American Beauty - American Beauty is a ridiculously deep film, hot chicks who think they are deep (but are actually not) for some reason LOVE this movie. Watch it, understand it. American Graffiti - Came straight out of the 70s, very old school flick, features what America used to be, some of it is pretty lulzy, the girls are gorgeous, plus Ron Howard before he turned all serious. The Breakfast Club - I know i know, you see one teen flick and you've seen them all. Well this is the one to see, you can forget about everything else. In the words of Jay and Silent bob, "Judd Nelson was fucking harsh" Suburbia - Heavily based in dialogue, watch it before you turn 25 or you will think its stupid.

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Kicking and Screaming - Again, heavily based in dialogue, very witty banter, watch before you graduate college, if you are even in college, you pathetic fuck. Mysterious Skin - Pedophilia, Aliens, drugs, prostitution, what’s not to like? The Chumscrubber - Drugs. Lots of drugs. Wonderboys - This one's for the literature freaks. Citizen Kane, or how power and ambition corrupts a man - This is old-school intellectual shit. It's not precisely the thing you would like to watch with your girl/boy, but as a movie, it's outright excellent. Deep philosophical stuff and plot twists that will blow your mind in an old-fashioned style. 2001: A space odyssey - Now, you might be thinking "lol nerd faggot"; but 2001 is an excellent sci-fi old-school film. It might stretch out a bit, but it's actually a nice little gem to watch, if you can actually get a hold of it. A clockwork orange - More retro bullshit, woohoo. This movie gained a lot of controversy because it had RAPE and TRANGRESSION written all over it. It's basically about a guy with a hat that fucks everybody's shit alongside with his two friends. And the film was released in times that if the police could bust your ass if you were making out with your significant other in the street. It is another classic of a cocktail between horror, thriller, and rape.

Pets Introduction Pets are kept by various people for a multitude of reasons. These include    

Company Entertaining Used as a means to pick up pet owners (Cute ones only, oh, and dogs work too) Getting rid of some unwanted stuff (Mice, bad grades, neighbors etc.)

Generally, pets come in three basic varieties.

Small pets Being small these pets usually live in some sort of cage (or tank in the case of fish). These have the advantage of being relatively easy to care for (no shit/fur/food all over your home), but tend to be a bit boring due to not moving around much. Most of them are awesome for one reason or another so if you want something easy to care for that doesn't have any ability to damage your home, go for it. Basic Small Pets Rodents

These include rabbits, hamsters guinea pigs and so on. An appropriately sized cage is needed, usually with the floor covered with wood shavings to absorb and cover up all the piss and shit

these (Otherwise charming) creatures are known to produce, sometimes even such preparation will end up full of crap and piss and you will have to change it (My guinea pig died because of that, the stuff I used to put in its cage started fermenting and producing gases). Being rodents, they are miniature manure factories and will eat up as much food as you give them, so proper care must be taken not to over-feed them. On the subject of feeding, granulated pet food (For rodents) works just fine, but be sure to give them some fruit or vegetables (Think apples, cucumbers, tomatoes, salad etc. Be sure to wash them THOROUGHLY to remove any pesticides/nitrates/other harmful crap. Fish

Surprisingly, fish are aquatic, meaning you need a fish tank (Full of water) to take care of them. These usually come with some sort of filtration system (Which has the added benefit of moving the water in the tank around while cleaning it. This prevents algae from setting in and also enables you to be lazy and not change the water yourself. Fish food often comes as some sort of powdery stuff that smells like shrimps, problem is at first you have to determine how much your fish will actually eat (Since you can't have a tank full of plankton and algae to give it, though it would be much better for it). Turtles

The tiny ones are also in this category, but they are hard to look after (most are caught in the wild and fail at life in captivity). Also there is a good chance that your pet will outlive you (with good care) so don't get one unless you plan to have it around or at least have someone to give it away to. Unless you're bringing up a tortoise, you'll need a watery environment for it, I suggest a tank with emerging rocks or some kind of mini-beach (with a grotto for shelter). Be careful that said turtle cannot go over the edges, because unless you see it escaping you'll never find it again (Found a turtle skeleton under my bathtub 5 years after the last one had disappeared). You can also get a land turtle, but you need to get extra care for that. Usually if you truly want your turtle to outlive you you're going to need a shitload of stuff to take care of your turtle. If you happen to have an exotic animal vet in your city, go ask him; but, amongst other things, you're going to need a UV lamp, tortoise calcium, good food, etc. Although you may now be thinking "What the fuck? I'm not buying that shit for a turtle", it is actually true. 2 turtles died on me but the last one is living perfectly because of this. PROTIP: Turtles usually fail at breathing. So if you acquire one, make sure that you put it in a place without a shitload of air currents, as they can get a respiratory disease as fast as a nigger in Africa can get AIDS. And it's a cold-blooded animal, for fuck's sake, don't forget it in your backyard, no matter how small and secure it is. ANOTHER PROTIP: If you're placing the turtle with a dome, make sure the ground part is tilted. On a flat level surface, a turtle can't get back on its feet if they are directly upside down. That will fucking kill it because the digestive system will literally crush the turtle's lungs.

They work a bit like fishes, except you can give them vegetables and require a tad more attention. Birds

Little birds are quite difficult to keep, just like most birds, they need space, which means a big cage, or, if you're confident they won't run/fly away, a room or your house. They will exploit any and all breaches in their cage, and try to get away, be careful of windows, they will not see them and will fly straight at them, hurting and sometimes killing themselves. They are also very, very sensitive to illnesses and things such as fleas and others. You will need to ensure that they are kept in a clean environment, if needed have it sprayed frequently with whatever product removes problems (and do so with your birds away from it, as they could very well die from intoxication). A perfect waker, for as soon as the sky lightens up a bit in the morning they will start chatting. Quite easy to scare, you will have to take care of them with utmost gentleness. Food is not much of a problem, they mostly eat grains, which you can easily find in pet stores (prefer the ones in clusters to the ones in boxes, it's easy to fit in a cage and forces your birds to get some brains and exercise); some birds, though, require a bit of meat, like worms, and I have no idea how to handle that.

Larger pets Cats

Being fine too, cats can either be really easy to care for or a total bitch. First off you need to pick a breed and do some research (For instance Persians are prone to excessive eye tearing). If you pick a cat with a long coat you have to groom it regularly and deal with it being all over your furniture. Possibly the most important choice here is what gender you want your future feline to be. Male cats tend to spray their territory (AKA your home) and odds are you won’t stand the smell and have the bugger castrated. They are also (Like most male anons) always horny and may end up getting into the habit of humping various objects or people in your home. Female cats don't have these disadvantages, but they do get in heat which spells a lot of noise on a regular basis (Compare to male cats being the same 24/7). Unless you want random inbred kittens, or to have a filthy/flea covered cat, I'd advise you to keep your pet indoors. Try to get them as young as possible (after they were separated from their mother), and also make sure said mother had proper habits, like eat correctly and not shit everywhere, it'll mean much less stuff to teach the little bastard. When you first get them, put them where you want them to feel well afterwards, as in where they'll go to rest, preferably a secluded spot (You DON'T want to sleep with a cat). Show them where they can crap (If possible in the bathroom or near it) and eat (May not be in the kitchen for random meat-stealing purpose). Playing with them, you'll probably end up without skin on your hands, so teach them to retract their claws when playing, that is press a bit on their paws when the claws are out, and they should reflexively retract them, and take up the habit after a time. I haven't found a way to make mine stop biting like you're a piece of game yet. Also, get it something to claw onto, if you want to keep your furniture intact, a raw piece of wood should do the trick, point being you have to make the cat use it (my father had made raw wooden chairs that are perfect for this purpose).

Cats are a rare entity. Cats seem to have the ability to change people into freaks with smelly houses and general disregard for the piss-stain on their shirt. Yes in case you have not noticed I am speaking of the crazy cat lady. Crazy cat ladies can be born as early as 30 years old. These women are the clingy types as cats are the only ones who will put up with their shit. Cats really only want the food, they probably hate any duration of hugs longer than 45 seconds while watching a movie. More than two cats in a woman's house is a sign of bat-shit crazy. Large Birds

On one hand, they're feathered shit factories and expensive to buy and raise. On the other, they're extremely intelligent and social animals who, given enough care, will provide you with years of companionship.

Friends and Co-Workers Interacting with Co-Workers If you have a job, it's pretty important that you stay on good terms with your coworkers, seeing as you have to see them every day. It's not hard to make your coworkers think you're a decent person. When you see them, make eye contact and give them a friendly smile. When you come into work, smile and say "good morning" to them. If you are going to talk to them, try to avoid saying creepy things. Your coworkers probably do not care about lolis or memes. Instead ask them about their family and things like that. People love to talk about their kids, if they have any. Even if you have very little in common with someone, you can almost always carry on a conversation if you ask them about their kids. However, don't ask them about their kids too much or else they'll start looking at you funny. Try to avoid being annoying. It's better to talk too little than to talk too much. Store information on everyone (just keep mental notes, not a file, you stalker, you) and find some simple yet recurrent topic (such as, as previously pointed out, family friends, issues etc.), this will enable you to, when the need be, make people feel like you're not talking just for talking, but you have a real interest in them or in what happens every day. Said information might also be helpful in case someone starts being a pain, as you will have some material that they won't want to be known, and hence shut up (They just need to know that YOU know). A calm workplace is always best. Also, try to avoid workplace drama. Mind your own business. Don't talk shit on anyone, even if you really want to. Yet another Anon's perspective: Actually, no. Don't get INVOLVED in workplace drama, but pay attention to what's going on, who is getting shit on during coffee machine chit-chat. You don't want to be(friend) the circle jerk.

Making Friends

Friends are important. Friends, especially good friends, are pillars of support in times of need or whatever. They're your partners in crime and members of your proverbial team. Even lone wolves/Anons cannot go on without a few friends. Friends are also beneficial when browsing members of the opposite sex. Women tend to congregate in groups, making it harder to single someone out to strike up a conversation with. Therefore, when you approach a group of 3 to 6 women with a marginally equal number of friends, the situation becomes a lot easier. So it's paramount that you have some. You can have all the arrogance and pizazz in the world, but if you're a loner that can all be canceled out quickly. Picking Friends

Coworkers and fellow students (if you're at high-school or college) are great for making friends with, especially those in the same or similar classes to you, as you're much more likely to get on with each other. There are some things to look for in potential friends. One important feature is Common Interests. Assuming you've had friends before, you may already know that groups/circles of friends tend to be composed of people with at least one common interest or ideal, or with similar artistic/musical taste. Most of the time, this won't matter as much, since unless you and your friends are obsessive nerds that concentrate solely on one subject at any given time, you'll have a lot more to talk about that isn't necessarily relevant to your interests. Therefore, it might be(/is) a good idea to keep an open mind when approaching new people. Everyone has at least one thing interesting about them, it just takes time to figure out what it actually is. You'll just have to muss up the courage to talk to someone.

Maintaining Friendships Inevitably, you will encounter differences with your friends over time; or they might do something that bugs you. Consequentially, you could do something that bugs them, as well. There are a few rules to maintaining a friendship: 1. Communication. If there's a problem or uncertainty, talk about it. They're your friends... if you can't talk with them about problems, then they aren't good friends and you should drop them like a hot potato. Well, maybe not, but you should push the issue vehemently. Also, it is important to talk to them on a daily basis. Friends like attention, and talking is the best way to give them it. Whether it is simply some side conversations, brushing up on current events in your life or a simple hello as you pass by, a bit of talking now and then makes friendships infinitely more maintainable. 2. Reciprocation. If you borrow a dollar here and there, don't be stingy if they need to borrow one. Nobody likes to be the guy everyone hits up for money and never pays back. Believe me, it sucks. "But I gave YOU a dollar yesterday" should never have to even be mentioned if your friends are worth keeping. Your friends need to know they can trust you and that you're a reliable

good person, not the guy who asks for someone to cover a shift for them and then refuses to do the same. 3. Memory. Remember things that your friend deems important. Birthdays, their anniversaries, inside jokes; all of these things are important to remember. Saying 'Happy Birthday!' to your friend is important. It reminds them that not only are they important to you, but that you are considerate enough to remember birthdays and are a good person. Buy a small gift, offer to pay for a friendly dinner or to cover a shift for them so they don't have to work that day. They'll appreciate it. There is a proverb that goes roughly like this: "Strike back equally, then forgive and make peace " (Sorry I can't remember the exact proverb nor the author), When a friend does something that displeases you highly, you may reciprocate, but then both of you will have to forget about it and start anew, it will show them that you are forgiving, but that you can be firm, they shouldn't start screwing with you afterwards. However, do not gloat and continue after your counter. This can create an enemy, instead of a friend who knows their limitations.

Not Being Abused Being the nice guy anon is (Proof enough: you don't have a girlfriend), people will not hesitate to abuse of you, whether it's asking for services, being late on appointments with you, not doing what they told you they'd do, etc. Basically you're their "toy", they can use you whenever needed without having to do anything in return, inviting you to a party just because they don't have anyone else to call up to make it look like they have friends, asking you for a hand when they're moving stuff around, but when you need something, their cellphone is off, they're not answering on chat or house phone, have very elaborate excuse not to do a thing. One solution is to do just like they do, arrive late and blame it on them for being early, "forget" stuff, ask them a lot etc. The second they complain, you have every right to beat them up because they'd been doing the exact same thing to you for months, if not years. Of course as a nice guy it'll be hard, because you don't mind helping out, but it's a complete lack of respect toward you, a proof of how little they care and simply shows that they are not real friends. So you shouldn't really care about them, should you? If you want them to understand what the problem is, you can simply tell them straight off, in which case, there will be a few possible consequences:   

Acknowledges the problem, apologizes and all becomes fine. Same but doesn't change. -> try again or cut off the bridges. Denies it all with examples of how they helped you and all that kind of crap. -> Worthless egoistic person whose only care is about what they get. Suggest you kill it with fire.


High School High School is like boot camp- you pretty much have to go if you want to shoot your gun. The whole concept of high school is to give you a very basic working knowledge that will allow you to do entry level jobs, and thus get a job immediately out of high school. There isn't much that needs to be said about this topic- partly because you should be graduated (or close to it) if you're a /b/tard or simply someone who goes to *chan boards (as all boards are 18-and-up). Unless you were a superstar or in denial, high school was a total shit time for all of us. Ask any college student, current or graduated, and they'll agree. High school sucks. Do not let any of it get to you. After you leave, there's a good chance you will never see the assholes and skanks at your school again. You can pretty much start over in college. Were you a dork in high school, and never got any women? You can change that all around in college. A good example of this is a town that I live in. Being a small town, everyone is exactly the kind of people you should not be- those people who live here forever, keeping the friends they made in high school. The result of this is that virtually every single soul here is uninteresting, uneducated, untalented, and generic. The glow of high school, with its football quarterback and head cheerleader, dies down quickly into a messy soup of shit. That guy that's playing linebacker for your local team will probably find himself flipping burgers at McDonalds. That "cute" girl will probably end up getting pregnant and having 30 illegitimate children. Seriously. Don't let any of the crap that happens to you in high school get to you. Just smile, kick back, and suck it up. It's only four years. Reasons to Graduate High School 

Freaks/Goths/Emo: Generally you view school with something below pessimism. It's stupid, it's idiotic, etc. etc. Well, just think of the incentives of graduating. First, no repeating grades. Why wait till you are 18 to drop out, spend time getting a GED and working at McDonalds/Wendy's? Graduate, have a high school degree and get a better paying job. All that shit the counselors tell you about making more cash with a HS Degree is true. Nerds/Geeks/Dorks: Generally you view school with either borderline optimism or borderline indifference. You already know the benefits of graduating, so I won't preach about those.

Handling High School (For Those With Issues)

Being a /b/tard, you probably find yourself in a love/hate relationship with the entire concept of Highschool. The majority of /b/tards are insanely smart, and you're probably part of themhowever, the caveat comes with the fact that most /b/tards aren't exactly A+ material, look or personality wise. With that being said, "Handling high school" is something of a must. While, as we mentioned above, you should "put up" with high school, trying to find an easy way to have fun there is a bonus. If you have the energy, go make some friends- even the "loser" kids have friends. Don't join any kind of clique or nerdy club, but just enjoy yourself- remember, in 10 years, no-one will

really give a shit what you did anyway. High school can suck, but don't become an hero about it. Find some people with common interests and enjoy yourself a bit. It's only four years, and nobody will give a shit about what you did in high school in 10 years.

College/University Entrance Exams Check to see if the college you want requires ACT or SAT scores. These are little numbers that mean absolutely nothing except how well you can memorize and pump out selected answers for either test. It's incredibly stupid- but for the average retard, it is ripe for abuse. Tips and Tricks 

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Buy an advanced Texas Instruments calculator. Then program cheat programs on it. This is how most "geeky" kids get high scores. These programs can be stupidly simple things (such as a program for figuring out quadratics or something), or fucking complex (calculus thingamajigs). Be careful about cheating though, the proctor will report you if caught. Here's a trick my friend used to score a perfect on the verbal section. For SAT 2s, Don't take more than one per day unless you have to. Trust me. There is an option to cancel your score at the end of your exam but if you submit that cancellation form, all your tests taken that day are cancelled. The "New SAT" doesn't require analogies. Don't even fucking study them. If you cannot figure out a question for the life of you, fucking leave it blank, its better to leave it blank than to get it wrong and fuck it up, losing 1.25 points. This piece of advice applies to SAT2 math 2C only - there are 50 questions on the exam, and an hour to do them. In the first five minutes, look over the exam, and cross out 5 questions you know for sure you don’t know how to do, you can leave 5 questions blank and walk away with an 800. Come back to them in the end if you have time, though. If there are more than 5 you don't know how to do, don't do them, leave them blank, the point deductions for 2c is brutal. Take SAT prep courses, but don't do it too often. A word about selecting an SAT prep course SAT courses require you to invest a lot of your time and your money, make sure you do your research before handing them your money. Good SAT 1 programs usually develop their own materials, usually better methods of approaching the problems, or verbal/math drills. Good SAT 1 programs usually also abide by a strict weekly schedule and assign homework. Grow the fuck up and try to learn something there if you never bothered paying attention in real school. Don't bother with Princeton Review; they purposefully design their final practice test to be infinitely easier than their first diagnostic test so you will feel like you learned something when you really didn't. Learn vocabulary. Your SAT course is likely to provide you with huge vocabulary lists and their definitions, learn those. Make flashcards and do like 20 a day and quiz yourself weekly and go back and relearn the ones you missed. The other method is to read a lot of good books for intellectuals, do crosswords, read the newspaper. Practice the test alone, and time yourself. Free time at the end gives you time to access programs on your TI, including cheats. Allow yourself time to retake the test if you don't do well on it the first time. Also, PREPARE FOR THE ESSAY! It is 20 minutes, and if you have not practiced writing a complete essay in that time, it will be very hard. The SAT graders are only looking to see the strength of your examples, no matter if they are cliché or not. For example, a good thing to do is to have a

couple of famous figures preloaded in your head, with facts about them, that you could incorporate into your essay. I, for example, used MLK, Helen Keller, or Abe Lincoln. Since most SAT prompts involve "Perseverance" or "Determination" or some shit, those three always work, no matter how cliché it is. You need to have an intro, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion for the maximum score. Buy a study guide for the tests if you feel you're way over your head. 10 Real SATs is pretty decent and is fairly inexpensive from online retailers. Also Gruber's SAT is an important must have, their sample tests are damn realistic. Barron's is good excellent, their problems are usually harder than the real thing (this applies to all Barron's books) so if you can do good on a Barron's practice exam, you are pretty much good to go. Both Barron's and Gruber's SAT have comprehensive break down sections where they teach you the strategies and drill you on practice problems. Cliff's is decent as well. Study these books in conjunction with the material you are provided with from your SAT course. Again, don't even bother with the Princeton Review, their problems are way too easy and are nothing like the real thing. Tips for test day: At least a week or two in advance, figure out where your test location is, figure out the fastest way to get there. When you get there, familiarize yourself with the environment, know where the restrooms are, where the parking lot is. If you know the exact room number of your test location, and if you are allowed to, try to sit in the room for a bit and familiarize yourself with it, bring some practice problems, or even a full timed practice test and work on it in the room. Point is, reduce as much stress as you can for your test day. DO NOT study the day before the test, it may be tempting, but don't do it. However it is a good idea to do a full timed practice test two days before test day just to warm you up. Start Wrapping up your studying a week in advance, and let that last week just be odds and ends (and the very last practice test two days before test day). Get 8 hours of sleep the night before and set an alarm the next morning, don't be an idiot and get fucked up that week, there’s plenty of time to get fucked up in college which you need a good score to get into. On the day of the test, don't worry about anything, do not skip breakfast, do not overkill on coffee. Try to arrive at the test site at least half an hour in advance, leaving space for error. Bring at least two number 2 pencils, a pencil sharpener, a good eraser, a mechanical pencil, a pack of lead, your calculator, and your admission ticket. Don't bubble in a question immediately after answering it, circle the right answer in the test booklet first, fill half the bubbles in when you are half done, then the other half when you are all done, this gives your brain a break in the middle since bubble filling is pretty much mindless busywork. Remember - you would rather leave a problem blank than to fuck it up (most SAT prep instructors and tutors will encourage you to make educated guesses, or make a guess after eliminating one answer you know for sure is wrong, this is a very valid piece of advice). After the test, go celebrate, smoke up, drink up, go eat with your friends, DO NOT discuss the exam, it will make you unnecessarily anxious. That should be it, good luck faggots.

Penis Size

Please keep in mind that your SAT score != Penis size (OP score for Australians). You will no doubt find people enthralled by their 2400 "Perfect" on the SAT. That's wonderful for them, but for the "rest" of us, it means absolutely nothing. Scholarships tend to frown on such things sometimes, because people who obsess over such tests tend to be very one-track-minded. Even with a score of 1000 out of 2400 on the SAT, you could get into a very prestigious University if

you have achievements and extra credit activities. Nonetheless, some little dickwad in your school will probably try to obsess over the SAT- trust me, everyone else is laughing at him too. High school counselors can tell you more about registering or you can go to the following sites:  

SAT Information Collegeboard ACT Information ACT Student

Paying for it all

Check the universities you're applying for to see if they had special university wide scholarships. There are usually major specific scholarships (ex. science, business, etc.) that one can look into. Most scholarships require you have at least a GPA of over 2.5. Check out scholarship website searches like Fast Web to see what you qualify for. If you can't find a scholarship that fits you, try looking into student loans.

Tertiary Education Trades

Become a plumber. Check the finances if you doubt this advice. The only downside to becoming a trade worker is smelling like shit if you don't wash, and missing out on four years of sex less impressive than that in Rules of Attraction. The upside, though, is that you can use Mario-related pick-up lines legitimately. College Before getting into all the administrative stuff be sure to bring these with you:        

Identity card Driving license, if you have it A United States Passport is considered the gold standard of identification; get one and keep it handy. Birth certificate Every single school attendance certificate, letter they sent you, or anything related An address verification paper, such as a recent electricity bill or bank statement. A brain No weapon whatsoever, would be the best way to repeat Columbine.

Administration is the worst thing you'll ever meet there, it can take 3 days just to have a paper signed or simply put in your file.

College/Junior College is a Septic name for an adult day care center. Footnote:

This, for us Americans, refers to Community College and Colleges. No matter how you twist it, a normal college is much under a University nowadays. The majority of reputable schools are now Universities. That means that unless you're going into a smaller major (Such as Education or something), going to a bland state college is four years of waste. This ESPECIALLY applies to "party schools", such as (debating) Florida State. Universities, however, as you can see below, are your ticket to money. University

University is the name for an institution which offers degrees in a variety of fields. Usually you can do a degree which is enjoyable, or financially viable, or neither. It is impossible to find a degree which is both. However, university is really an opportunity to develop nepotism networks which will result in your future employment. For those of you who believe you'll go onto research, read If possible, do well at university. Do not spend every night plastered in some random spot. Do take advantage of the fact booze is often free and girls will likely outnumber guys by a substantial margin. Furthermore, half-decent grades result in the possibility of a master's degree, often a one year program, which in the US is something like an extra twelve grand a year in earning power. How to Make Friends/Meet People

One of the biggest issues all Anons complain about is making friends in college. This is understandable- those who have poor social skills generally have a hard time adjusting to living with tons of people, not to mention doing so in a way that doesn't force them to go out and meet people. Thus, a Well Cultured Anonymous needs to learn how to deal with this shit- and actually get outside. 1. RULE: Get the fuck off the computer. No, seriously. Stop fapping to /h/ (which is bad to do constantly anyway), stop wasting your time on /b/ or on video games. WoW is right out, and makes you look like a tard. In general, people are cool with you being on the PC occasionally (like, for chatting, studying, etc), but if all you do is sit in your dorm room, no-one will want to hang with you. Ever. If your college is in a rural area, or even a suburban area, go sit outside, get some sun, and talk to some of the people that walk by. You'd be surprised how quickly this simple act can improve your reputation or image on a college campus. For an urban college, sit at a cafe, coffee shop, or some such place to achieve the same results. Don't even mention anything to do with the internet. Just hang out and be yourself. You'll have time to get on your computer; just don't spend all fucking day on it. 2. RULE: Keep your door open. Once you have no reason to hide, keep your door open and hang out with people. One of the worst things you can do in any college/uni is be secluded- so just kind of relax in public. Going to any Uni is partially about sucking it up and learning to live with a bunch of people and lose your privacy- so you may as well accept it instead of go kicking and screaming. 3. RULE: Party. No, seriously. Get outside and go to some parties- even if you don't drink, just bring a soda and chill out with people. If you go to the right parties (as in, not "let's all get hammered and have gay sex" frat parties), you'll meet lots of people. For the most part, you'll quickly realize that most people (girls) are kind of slutty and annoying, but that's part of the experience: learning about people you hate.

4. RULE: Don't overdo it. Nothing spells "I just got out of High school" out faster than someone who goes nuts, parties all day, doesn't study, and hits on girls obsessively. One bit part of most Universities (especially the higher end ones in the US) is learning the delicate balance of the MTWRF grind: that is, you work your ass off on the week, then party your ass off in the weekend. Dumbasses will marvel at your ability to stay out till 5 AM on Saturday, yet pull straight As on the week. Professors are actually weirded out if you study TOO much- so learn the balance. You can find that some of the most intelligent students are also some of the hardest partyers. They just know when to party and when not to party. 5. RULE: Learn to handle women correctly. Just because she flirts with you doesn't mean you have a sure thing- just play it cool. Too many Anon go fucking nuts in college because of the amount of women, which is crazy. While this doesn't mean "ignore them", you can do more damage by being stalker-ish creepy than you can by just being cool and relaxed. You don't actually NEED a girlfriend immediately. 6. RULE: Never say no (if you can get away with it). For example, if someone asks you if you want to go out to dinner, go out to dinner, unless you're swamped with work. Learn to do stuff like this on a whim, so long as it doesn't kill your schedule. Don't get into a habit of scheduling your whole day out with stuff like "Go exercise alone, go eat alone, sleep a bit" and that kind of thing: be flexible and make more friends. 7. RULE: Get in with the right crowd. NEVER hang out with the kiddies who party all day- it will hurt your grades. You can enjoy yourself with them, but don't get too involved. The same goes for people who obsessively study, do pot, or any of that shit- getting too involved can kill you. This also includes really insanely heavy student unions and that kind of stuff- like Debate teams that practice 10 hours a week. How to Do Well In Class

Here's the part where we tell you how to work it all out because you suck. 1. Just damned listen to what your teacher says! o This will normally be so efficient that it will cut down on your personal work a lot. Some can even understand it all properly just by listening, which means nothing to do later. 2. Think, don't just listen and write down, try to understand it, even a little, on the spot. o Again, this is for the best. Trying to understand right away will make it simpler because your mind will be into it. And on top of that, the moment you understand, writing it down and remembering it will be much easier. 3. Do your freaking work. o Do I even have to tell you why? 4. Do MORE! o By getting into it and trying to get a bit further in each topic by yourself, not only will you kill some time, but you will learn a lot more. The key to learning is to enjoy it, no one really likes to work, but if you find a way to use your lessons for something, do so, it'll be much better for you than just learning without getting it. 5. Go get a teacher the second you have a problem. o This is a hard part, no one likes to ask for help, especially from teachers, but it'll be another way to learn well. 6. Quit going to 4chan. o Cannot stress this enough (For obvious reasons), though I know most people can't just quit cold turkey, so at least limit your visits. Once you've (Possibly) topped the class, go

right ahead and brag on 4chan... not that anyone will care; you will most probably be going toe-to-toe with internet tough guys trying to increase their e-penis size. 7. In general, just quit the Internet. o You may not notice how much time you waste on the internet, I personally remember spending my days on IRC, doing nothing but watching empty chat rooms being filled and emptied. Since I quit IRC, I have so much free time on my hands, that I get, But now i can spend some time on productive stuff, i had many projects on hold that I was able to work on, I even started coding again, i hadn't done that since my finals. I'm working and it takes a lot of time, so I don't see most of the free time I gained, but I know I've gotten more productive, less lazy, cleaner (mind wise), etc. o So, for your sake, 'reduce' your internet time. Acting like you have some sense

Okay, let's face it. In University/College/whatever, European or American, you will drink. You will party. That's part of the fun of going- you're able to get away with a lot of shit on the basis that everyone wants to get away with it just like you. However, learning control is a zen thing of being in college. Remember, you are a Uni student first, NOT a partier first- that basically means that despite your best wishes, you are there to study. School comes first, partying is later. The best way to understand this is to just act normally. Don't go out and party every night, especially on weeknights, even for "hump day" shit, unless you know you can afford the hangover the next day. It can't be stressed enough: Work your ass off all week, party your ass off all weekend. Barhopping nightly may be fun for one week, but it's not only expensive, but it's also incredibly detrimental in the long run. Still, with that being said, have fun and do what you want. Just learn how to manage your life or else you'll fuck up.

Girls in My University? It goes without saying that most Anons can find awesome girls/guys at Universities. However, for those of you who are excessively slow (Read: geeky), there are a few pointers that will help you out in your quest for Ass (TM): 

   

Don't jump on every person who gives you the time of day. I'm serious. Just because they're potential lays it doesn't mean they're into you in any kind of relationship way. It sucks, but if they aren't interested, you're fucked. On that note, dancing and a beer != relationship. Don't expect them to be in love with you after a party. Don't be creepy. Stalking around the dorms/halls/whatever is creepy. Be nice. Just be polite and stuff- don't be a kiss ass, but don't be crude either. Never hide in your dorm room. You will never meet people that way. Ever.

Oh yeah, and one note on a personal side: No-one is ever impressed by a guy who can get laid with a really drunk girl, even really dumb guys can do that (and they often do). The real skill and awesomeness is getting a sober girl.

Work Getting a Job Important Points 

Check on your possibly future employer before sending a CV or others, especially over internet, and mostly for home based works, it never hurts to know what you're dealing with, bonus points for back alley info such as market value drop and deficit. NEVAR, ever, postulate to any job that involves you handling money through your account, it's illegal and I'm still in troubles with my bank(and probably the police too) over my stupidity (I did none of this and the previous point and almost got jailed for fraud). Simple enough don't believe job offers that are too easy and too gratifying, if someone had such a job to offer they wouldn't advertise it unless they were REALLY, REALLY, lacking someone, which, for that kind of work, never quite is the case. In general just try to learn as much as possible about the company, it will help you make up a nice covering letter, and during the possible interview will show your motivation.

Foot in the Door

It's always, always useful to kiss ass with your parents co-workers, former co-workers, university profs, frat alumni, and all sorts of different people who can take your resume and send it along to someone who needs an intern. Only family or friends would ever accept someone who needs a first experience, I got an internship in an industrial design firm thousands of kilometers away from my place because my uncle is working there. If you need to bring the subject up, perhaps do something like this: 'You': Yeah, I'm starting my ____ but I'm looking for something to occupy myself this summer. You wouldn't happen to know of anyone who is looking to hire someone? 'Target': Actually, send me your resume and I might be able to find something for you. Success! Just be sure to let anyone and everyone know that you're looking for work and don't intend to live life as a hobo. The Resume

This is the most important part of your work application. First of all, don't be afraid to be narcissistic. You're advertising yourself. Have you ever watched those infomercials late at night on the TV and said "I don't know who the hell would ever consider buying this shit."? You have to sell that shit. You are selling 'shit' to 'Arab traders', make it look 'good'. HOWEVER, do not lie. If you lie, they will catch you, and they will make you look like a fool. Make yourself seem

better than you are, but don't make yourself better than you are, got it? 'Things you should include:' 'Past work experience' Your past jobs, past volunteer activities, anything relevant to field experience 'Education' Where you learned you a book and when and what you majored in. 'Special Skills' This is where you can lie your ass off In general, highlighting capacities for teamwork as well as independent work, time management, efficiency, acceptance of criticism, personal skills, etc. can only do good, but you can't just write them as such, they have to be easily understood from the text detailing this or that. In fact, there are little to no "skills" that aren't good to add, but the more generic ones are better than the specifics, and generally, anything related to private life is to be left out, no one really cares to know if you can give your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend a massage to orgasm; albeit, the more casual life things like cooking and crafts are okay, but not necessary. You may, for practicality, create a huge CV that sorts of encompasses everything, and then, before sending it, cutting out the irrelevant parts and reformulate what needs to be in the relevant ones to make it short and aimed. The Interview

The interview. An extremely important part of your working life, the interview can make or break your potential job. A good boss can gather everything he needs to know about a worker from how he behaves in an interview, so don't fuck it up. Be well groomed. 1. Shake hands firmly and make eye contact. If you give a weak handshake and look away, you show yourself as a weak person. Show your boss you have some balls. Have clean, short fingernails and no excessive hand jewelry. If you chew your cuticles, stop, get a manicure. Take up swimming so you taste like chlorine. 2. Again with the confidence, you need to compose yourself well. How you sit, for example, can affect your prospects. Don't sit on the edge of your chair - it makes you looks nervous and on edge. Sit comfortably in the chair provided, but don't slouch in the damn thing as if you were surfing /b/. You have to be conscious of all you movements. 3. Answer all questions with a strong voice, make yourself heard. Don't mumble your answers. Maintain eye contact at all times when you're speaking, and don't let your eyes wander around the room. 4. Don't sound negative. If you were really punctual at your shitty part-time high school job, don't provide contrast by saying that your incompetent fucktard co-workers never showed up on time. 5. ANY time you have to say something negative or admit to flaw or ignorance, follow it up with a "but" statement. If you have no experience with filing systems, say "While I've never used that particular filing system before, I learn quickly and am very organized in general" or something. 6. If they ask you about your work ethics, NEVER tell them that you're lazy. Even if you're the grossest, laziest fucktard, you should never be stupid enough to tell them you're a hobo. To them, you are the perfect worker. 7. Overall, let them know that you would be the perfect worker. Don't be hesitant; know what you're going to say. Be confident and don't fuck it up.

Standard Questions

Most interviewers will have a set of standard bullshit they ask, and you need to have good answers for them. 1. "What are your strengths?": Give two, maybe three. Make them at least vaguely true, but make sure they're relevant to the job. Don't blather on and on to the point of seeming arrogant and douche. Also, GIVE EXAMPLES. The more true it is and the more you can back it up, the more convincing you will be. 2. "What are your weaknesses?": First, don't rephrase what you said for the previous question. If you're applying for a job working with slow, retarded old people, and patience is one of your strengths, don't say that being patient is your weakness. It makes you look unoriginal and just stinks of bullshitting and dishonesty. A good response is honest, doesn't reveal any devastating character flaws, and is something you've worked on, or something which you can explain away. For most /b/tards, saying that you can be "a little shy at times" works, but make sure to emphasize the good aspects of it: you don't cause conflict, you're a good listener, etc. 3. "Where do you want to be in five years?": This question is an attempt to gauge your level of ambition, planning, and self-awareness in life. Do some thinking about this: right now you may only be focused on moving out of your parents' house, but try to think of something specific and career-related. Really, it's a question you should be able to have a good, genuine answer for. Knowing the answer to this is a good idea even if you never get asked. 4. "What have you been doing since you've graduated?": This applies when employers can see from your resume that you're not a fresh graduate. This is unfortunately a bad situation, because it reveals you to be the slacker you are, and there's no truly good answer. The best you can hope for is to have kept a part-time job that you had while you were in school (don't mention the part-time part unless they ask), or do some other studies or volunteer work. If you have a worthless degree, say that you've found yourself either overqualified or under qualified for most jobs you've applied for. 5. "Tell me a little bit about yourself.": Not a question, but you'll have to do it anyway. Don't just restate what's on your resume; say a little bit about your personality, hobbies and interests (spinning them to sound normal). If you're learning Japanese because you like anime, say that you've always wanted to learn a new language but want something more challenging than Spanish. If you play video game music on your guitar, say that you make instrumental rock music. 6. Schedule related questions: Say that you like whatever schedule the job is going to have, and give a reason. If it's varying shift work (like part-time grocery store work), say that you like the flexibility and the ability to pick up extra hours. If it's a 9-5 job, say that you prefer the regularity to erratic shift work. The First Day

Making a good impression on the first day of working at a new job, sadly, is more important than months of good working after. First impressions are everything. 1. Be polite! If someone bumps into you, do not start spouting off insults. Apologize, then keep working.

2. I know it’s hard, but refrain from spouting off /b/ memes at your job. You WILL eventually slip and make a joke about "nigras" or "Bix Nood" in front of a black customer, or something along those lines. That is a surefire way to throw away your career. 3. Do your fucking job. Don't slack off on anything unless you are damn sure you can get away with it. 

Yum22Yum23's testimony: During my first actual internship, I arrived all full of hope and motivation, the first 2 or 3 days I worked hard and with pleasure (and the office manager and the other people were often in the office at the time) but past the first week, i started bumming around, learning how to look like I was working, and no one really cared about it, I was listening to mp3s and testing landscape software even when the company boss was here, i remember sleeping for hours head on my desk without being scolded, in the end i was playing games, reading hentai and eating all the reserve food. Working hard on your first days will enable you to bum around and do minimal work for months. Additional testimony: The above is completely true. Be a badass, work overtime when they need you. Help people out. Be the go-to guy. Be the most polite person and mega-concerned with customers. Make a point of wanting to serve endlessly. Carry the heavy shit. Cover for people's breaks. Run up and down stairs, or better yet, go down the slides or run down the slides. Just make sure no one is sending boxes down or you'll die. After doing this a while, no one can think wrong of you, so when your brain eventually dies from the boredom and repetitiveness and hatred of your crushed dreams, nobody will notice that you're hiding on the second floor behind a stack of bikes on top of a bed of new foam mats that your boss won't let you put out because they're not on sale.

Finance The Basics The truly tl;dr version of economics boils down to one very simple statement (Which is basically what you'll find in any Economics 101 textbook minus the fancy words: You have limited gold, which buys you things. Try to get more to have more things. Seriously, In all of your Economics classes, this is the main concept: You, as a human, will never have enough money to cover every single want you will have in your lifetime. You have already lost that ability. You know that Power Ranger you wanted as a kid? You didn't get it, thus your (unlimited) wants were not satisfied, thus you no longer have the ability to say "I got everything I have ever wanted in my life".

The REAL goal of life is to take what you do have (current possessions, incoming money, etc) and turn it into things you do want (fun things, like hookers). This guide will teach you the very basics to managing your money right, so maybe when you're 60, you'll have a Taiwanese hooker on every arm. And maybe one will be like giving you a rimjob or something.

And for the love of all things, spending more than you earn regularly is FUCKING STUPID YOU USELESS DOUCHEBAG CUNTS. DO NOT REGULARLY SPEND MORE THAN YOU FUCKING EARN. If you don't think that creating a nice deficit for yourself is crippling then it's time to skip the rest and become an Hero.

LESSON 1: Budgeting Budgeting is the act of taking what you're making (Your income) and breaking it up in a way so that all of your bases are covered- that is, you can pay everything you have to pay (Electric bills, phone bills, internet bills, car insurance) and then having some money to spare for hookers and blow, and actually knowing you have that money. How do you do it? It's fairly simple. How to Budget: The Dummies Guide Step 1: Write down EVERYTHING you have to pay for. Write down everything you have to pay for- this includes electric bills, gas bills, cable bills, internet bills, water bills, rent, you name it. As well, figure out a general area of how much you pay for these- for example, if you tend to use from $200-$250 on your gas bill (which makes you fucking stupid), write down $250. Step 2: Write down a generalized list of what you want in the future, broken down by priorities. Basically, go write down some shit you want in a year to two years. Start off with "small things" like "A cup of Starbucks coffee every week" to "A new PC" or something of that nature. Write down the price for each of those, too. Step 3: Figure out your monthly income. Most Anons should be able to get this easily, as most people, even on a corporate level, are paid every two weeks. Just figure out how much you earn on average every month. Add all this up AFTER taxes and the like- basically, what your "take home pay" is. Step 4: Figure out what percentage of your paycheck goes to your bills. For example, if I'm making $1000 every month, and I pay $400 in bills, 40% of my income is going to bills. That means that I have 60% "Free" money to play with. This is just a bit of math, suck it up. Step 5: Account for your IRA and that kind of crap. Protip: Figure it out where you can contribute the full $4k to your IRA. I'll go into more detail why in another lesson, but the long story short is that you need to be putting a substantial percentage into your long term savings account(s). This includes IRAs and 401-ks. Going with my example above, I'd maybe put in 10% toward my savings- like $70 into my IRA and $30 into

savings. This wouldn't hit my $4k limit on IRA contributions, but considering I'm only making $12k a year in this example, that's a fucking lot. Step 6: Have fun with the remainder of the money. Feel good about yourself! By budgeting that out and figuring out percentages, you just happily (and guilt-free) allocated yourself a percentage of your paycheck to do anything you want with. You've got your future covered, your electricity, and now you can go buy a 12 year old boy off the street to wear girl's clothing and suck you off. In my example, I did 50%- that's pretty big just for "lol spending" money- hey, $500 can be used to do a lot of things. What We Just Did

Like I said above, budgeting is cutting your income into little bits and pieces to make room for all your miscellaneous expenditures. By doing it, you allow yourself to grab control over what you're making, and actually get an idea of what you're actually making and spending in lifeinstead of finding yourself strapped for cash every so often. It sounds kind of geeky, but trust me- by budgeting even for a year, you will find yourself in better financial situation than about 90% of the world, thus making you that much better. But, of course, your experience is going to be much different than that I mentioned above. So, to make life easier on you, I'll break budgeting down into a few key points, in which you can run from there: KEYS TO BUDGETING  

Allocate your bills first. Remove what you automatically pay first. It won't go away anyway. Try to cut out stuff you don't need. You'll probably realize with budgeting how much extra cash you spend on stupid shit, like MMORPGs or something like that. If you don't need it, cut it out- it'll free up cash. ALWAYS save money in both a long term savings account and an IRA. An IRA, as I will explain later, is basically free money (Especially if you're low-income and you're using a Roth IRA, blah blah...). A savings account is ABSOLUTELY necessary because it will save your ass if you come into trouble. If not? Use it for a vacation. Avoid underestimating costs. You will probably use no gas for heating in the summer. Expect to use a fuckton in the winter. Always give yourself some elbow-room in your budget for your bills- and if you have extra cash, party! Keep to it. This is the biggest deal. Getting lazy WILL end up throwing you into financial hell. Don't do it.

LESSON 2: Banking Institutions

Angry Threats From an Ex-Bank Employee

Okay, let me get these things out of the way. Your experience will be much better banking if you DO NOT DO THE FOLLOWING THINGS: 

  

 

Walk in with a check expecting tellers to figure out where to deposit it. Even the smallest of banks have hundreds of thousands of customers. Most mistakes are made when you don't know what you want. Threaten bank employees. Trust me, the ladies behind the teller windows are fucking evil and will "get" you. Keep less than a minimum balance in any account. Banks will charge. And they will charge often, just because they won't like you. Write a NSF check post-dating it. Just because you THINK you will have the money in two days does not mean you will. Most tellers will not notice a post-dated check, and the check will bounce. And then, you will be torn apart limb from limb with fees. Attempt to draw money out of a CD or IRA. Just don't. You may be able to depending on the CD/IRA, but it will essentially destroy any interest you will have ever earned. Open a checking/savings account without checking competitor rates. Trust me, if they don't tell you their competitor rates (usually to show off their better rates), most likely they are getting their asses kicked. Hold over $100,000 in a checking/savings account in one bank, especially if it's a small bank. The FDIC will only cover you up to $100,000- so if you have more than that, split it up into different banks. The FDIC will rarely, if ever, cover anything above that- the only times they do so are when they are feeling generous or something. Bank with any kind of bank that is obviously dying. The best way to tell that is a bank that is giving insanely high rates for no reason, or just one that is situated in a damn back alley. Avoid them. Accept checks from the mail from strangers. This is a basic one. If you don't know where the check is from but it's made out to you, doesn’t deposit/cash/anything it. If they ask for money back, RUN.

LESSON 3: Saving Up For Stuff Buy the book The Richest Man in Babylon, or find a copy online. It's a good book that's been around since the 1920's, and will drill into your head the basic outline of becoming wealthy: 1. Earn more than you spend 2. Save the remainder (preferably a managed fund, Roth IRAs are good and the only decent thing to come out of Delaware) 3. Live off the interest of your savings If you get a big enough stash of savings, you'll be able to outpace inflation and live comfortably, and maybe pass some on to your children, who will probably spend it irresponsibly

LESSON 4: Stocks, Bonds, Mutual Funds and Hedge Funds

1. Get a Shit Load of money 2. Put all of it in McDonalds 3. Wait a few months 4. ? ? ? 5. Profit!

LESSON 5: How Not To Be a Fucking Idiot TIPS FOR THE STUPID  

 

Anyone who promises you lots of cash from work-at-home deals is lying. enough said. Credit Unions ALWAYS > Banks- if you can get in. Credit Unions are much better and tend to offer better rates when it comes to CDs and Savings (and even interest-collecting Checking accounts), but you have to be eligible, among other things. Kind of a pain sometimes. Sometimes your place of employment has an agreement with a local credit union. Do some research. If your employer has a 401k matching program, FUCKING TAKE IT. A 401k matching program is where your employer puts the exact money you put into your 401k INTO YOUR 401K. Meaning? If you put in $200 and they put in $200, you get $400 in your 401k. Do it. If you get an e-mail about a hot stock, it's most likely a pump-and-dump. Even CNBC's boytoy Jim Cramer has admitted to artificially promoting stocks. Don't fall for it. If you have a low tax bracket and are eligible, go for a Roth IRA (instead of a Traditional). In the end, you will cheat the tax man, so long as you make more money in your 60s than you do right now. Ditch your credit card. Credit cards are made to make you spend more than you can afford: otherwise, the banks make no money. Therefore, if you have one, keep the limit extremely low and use it only if you have to. Debit cards are superior, so long as they are accepted wherever you go (most function as credit cards anyway- just hit "cancel" when it requests you to enter in your PIN).

Getting Your Own Place First Things First You must be able to answer yes to all of the following before you can live on your own.    

Do you have a source of income suitable to live on your own? Do you know how to clean up after yourself and do laundry? Do you own enough furniture to not look completely poor? Are you of the legal age to live on your own?

If you passed, congratulations, you can live on your own. But No one will give fuck.

Getting Ready You should also call up the local companies that take care of utilities and get an estimate on your total deposits for them. Once you've got that, get a phone book, and look in the yellow pages for apartments. Call up every place and ask them how much the apartment size you're looking for costs, then go around to the ones you're interested in and see which ones look like shit and which ones are decent enough to live in. Keep in mind that while you may not mind living in a shitty place, you won't get laid nearly as much, and you may get your stuff stolen. Once you've found a suitable place you can afford, find the people in charge and take care of business. Be sure to ask if the water heater and stove use gas or electric, since that may or may not be another bill you'll have to pay. You should call up the utilities companies shortly after this and get everything set up, like electricity, cable, and internet. You may also want a phone line, but it's generally better to just get a cell phone. This is an important point to remember: Certain rentals have certain utilities included, even in a major city, in my case. At my current place, everything is included except for electricity and internet. And that includes cable TV, water, sewer, pool and barbecue fees, parking, and security. Call and check to see what utilities may be included and save yourself the headache later. When you're checking out the apartment always make sure to check behind everything, my place looked so clean it was sparkling when I first moved in but when I looked under my bed the for the first time... Let’s just say I was less than pleasantly surprised. Another thing you should always ask is to see if there are rat, insects, homeless people, etc. infestations in the house. Trust me, there are many people who sell apartments and leave the tens of thousands of cockroaches living in their walls a secret. On the topic of insects, if the apartment has a tiny hole that may seem harmless, it's not. Keep an eye for these holes and ask the landlord to do something about them. Cockroaches and other small insects do indeed live in them and yes, they will fucking bother you. Worst case scenario, get some spackle and patch that bitch up yourself. Another thing homeowners don't tell you is the age of the house, the type of paint the house uses, etc. I would ask to see the deed of the house before going ahead and renting it. A friend of mine had some serious health problems because his house was old, and still used lead paint. Note: Many City Halls make the deeds public (Well, at least the one I work at anyways)

Moving In This part's fairly straightforward. You shouldn't move in without your utilities turned on. If you have a bunch of stuff that won't fit into your vehicle or the vehicle of anybody willing to help you move, you'll need to rent one, or hire a neighbor. Just take all your shit from your old place to your new place, it's not hard. Try not to bang up walls while moving, since you're on your own now, and damages come out of your pocket. You may also want to check to make sure the

windows are all locked, since the last 2 apartments I've moved into had them unlocked and I didn't notice for a week. If you live in/are moving into a condominium or apartment building with elevators, check and see if you have to make reservations to use the elevators. Often the maintenance workers will put up padding and carpeting in the elevator to keep you from fucking it up with your stuff. It would be a real bitch to truck a bunch of stuff over and find that you can't move in because you didn't let them know you needed an elevator. If by chance you're a rich fucker who can afford to have a moving company come in and take care of everything, make the reservations anyway, or at least call and confirm them. If you don't, your shit may end up in the company garage gathering dust, or on the side of the street. I've seen both happen. And for the love of God, PACK A FEW DAYS SUPPLIES BEFORE YOU MOVE. If your shit gets lost in transit, or stolen, or misdelivered, or rained on, etc, you're going to need the spares you have on you. That includes things like basic toiletries, a cell phone charger, clothes, your important papers (passport, Social Security Card, birth certificate, copy of the lease, etc), and some MONEY. Don't get blindsided by accidents; they're more likely than you think.

Living You will almost always have a landlord; remember that it is his job to make sure the water isn't brown and that the boiler is working. If you have a problem, call him instead of trying to fix it on your own unless you are 100% sure that you can fix it on your own easily. Ask someone else about this first! If you end up making it worse, you're liable to be billed, and you will piss off your landlord by making him work for an hour on something that would have taken five minutes to fix. On the subject of landlord, pay your fucking rent on time dumbass! If you miss rent for as much as one month and your landlord (or, alternatively, the person who owns the building) doesn't like you, it will be that much harder to get apartments in the future because of shit credentials. Make sure you buy the expensive cleaning products; you do not want your bathroom or your clothes smelling like shit for a month because you were too cheap to spend a little extra. Some examples of top-quality cleaning products are Clorox Clean-Up, Windex, Draino, and Dawn Concentrated. Clorox Clean-Up comes in bottles and spray bottles, which makes it perfect for cleaning out just about everything. The chlorine will kill anything it comes into contact with, excluding you unless you're stupid enough to drink it. Got a smelly sink, or a bathroom that you just can't get the funk out of? Flush the affected areas with some of this, and you'll never smell that stench again. Some clinics and most hospitals use this for sanitation purposes; follow their example. Windex is particularly good for cleaning glass and metal surfaces like stainless steel and chrome. The active chemical is ammonia, which brings up an important point. If you're using Clorox and Windex in the same room, for fuck's sake have some ventilation going. Ammonia and chlorine create a gaseous chemical compound called phosgene, which is deadly enough to warrant extensive use in World War I. Don't mix the two unless you're going to become an hero. Draino is useful for unplugging clogged drains in your shower and sinks,

however don't get any on you. It's incredibly basic, and will burn the shit out of you if you're not careful. Dawn Concentrate is great for washing dishes, if you don't have a dishwasher. A little bit on a scrubbing pad, and you can eat off it once you rinse it. On the subject of doing dishes, here are some basic steps. First, use HOT water. Cold water won't kill bacteria that have settled on the scraps left on your plate. Don't be afraid to use plenty of soap, either. Food poisoning will make your life hell, if for no other reason than the feeling of pissing out your back and front while you puke. Start by rinsing the dishes under the hot water first, to loosen up all that crap. Then take your soaped-up scrubbing pad, and scrub it ALL OVER. Don't miss a spot, even the underside. You wouldn't eat off a toilet seat, would you? Well, if you scratch your ass and then pick up a plate, you might as well be eating off the toilet seat. So scrub them well, until there's no trace of food or whatever left on them. Rinse the dish well, and make sure to get all the soap off. It won't hurt you, but it will make your food taste funny the next time you eat. If you were lazy and left a cooking pot or pan unwashed for a few days, fill it with hot water and soap and let it sit for an hour or so. Then come back and scrub the shit out of it. When all is said and done, scrub the sink out too, so it doesn't smell. If you have a garbage disposal, run it with the water on to make sure that all the scraps get flushed down the sink. If not, empty the drain screen into the trash and replace it. Should your sink start smelling like your father's socks, either dump some baking soda or Draino down it. That will kill the stench. And now, for the rest of your apartment. On this note, don't be a dipshit and postpone cleaning. When you get an unexpected visit from the hot girl next door you do not want your floor to be littered with old trash, nor do you want your toilet to smell like shit and be covered in it. When you start cleaning, clean from the top to the bottom. It makes no sense to vacuum before you dust. Take a broom and get the cobwebs out of the corners of your ceiling, and dust from the top of the room down to the lower bookshelves. Scraps of paper, receipts, empty food wrappers, etc. are pretty common trash on the floor of an apartment. Just make sure you throw shit away instead of dropping it on the floor, otherwise you'll attract cockroaches. Make sure to go over your floor with a Hoover once a week or so and for the love of God change your fucking bed sheets and pillowcases as often as possible. Under and behind things is not as important, but shit will start stacking up back there before long so try to at least stick the Hoover back there once a month to keep new kinds of E. Coli from breeding. When it comes to hosting parties in your new fancy pad, don't. You will either get too drunk and wake up to a completely destroyed apartment and be in debt for years for repairs and will have to spend weeks cleaning to even make it look decent, or you will be a complete bore running around making sure people put their beers on coasters and don't play with your prized vase and as such attract the scorn of basically every person in the area you live. It's a shitload of work, so just leave it to the professionals or at least people who are dumber than you to do it. Entertaining a small group of guests for a poker night or LAN party is fine; but rollicking parties like the kind that gets the SWAT teams called? Just save yourself the trouble and don't.


You can't get away from them, no matter what you do. Even if you have a townhouse, you're going to have to deal with your neighbors sooner or later. Only if you live in the middle of Bumfuck, USA will you get away from this problem. First and foremost, don't have gigantic parties, as stated above. Try and keep the outside of your residence clean, though if you have an apartment this is pretty much a non-issue, balconies aside. Don't steal their mail, and don't fuck with their property unless it is impacting yours. What this amounts to is basically "hands off." Leave them the fuck alone, and generally they'll leave you alone. In the event that you have a nosy neighbor, meaning one that likes to look through your mail, take note of what time you leave and come back, who you go out with, what visitors you have, etc. Just ignore them. Unless you're doing something to get v&ed and b&ed, they can't bother you. If it is really starting to get on your nerves, don't go reaching for the bag of dogshit and a lighter. Talk to their landlord and file a complaint with them, or their rental company, hell, even the police if it can be considered harassment. If you get a neighbor that complains about every little thing, though, don't hesitate to bring out the big guns. /b/ is not your personal army aside, find ways to make their life a living hell without getting caught. This is especially effective if you never strike in the same place twice; ergo, car, mail, landscaping, windows, flaming dogshit, etc.

Owning a Car If you live in an area where public transportation is readily available, then getting a car may be an unnecessary financial burden. However, in a rural area, owning a car is a bare necessity. The matters of learning to drive and getting your drivers' license are dependent on local laws. If you go to buy a car, and you are not mechanically inclined, you should bring a friend or family member who knows something about cars. This will prevent you from getting screwed. If you have no one you can bring and you are worried about making a poor decision, you can always have the car you intend to buy inspected by a professional mechanic before you buy it. Make sure you have enough money. You not only have to pay for the car itself, but for car insurance, and you need to have enough money that if your car should break down at any time, you would be able to have it repaired. Make sure you stay on top of your insurance, car inspection, vehicle registration, etc. Failing to do so will possibly bring on the wrath of law enforcement officials. You MUST have your oil changed regularly. (The usual recommendation is to have it changed every 3000 miles.) This is not optional. Your car will stop working eventually if you don't do this. It's also a good idea to wash your car regularly to keep it from getting rusty, and to make sure your tires are filled. (Gas stations sometimes have coin operated air pumps that you can use for filling tires if you don't own a pump.)

Wear your seatbelt. It's rare for someone who is wearing a seatbelt to be killed or seriously injured in a car accident. If you do live in a town but are too cheap to pay for transportation, you should invest in a bike, true it's a bit annoying to keep up, but you will save a lot of time in transportation, I get to university almost thrice as fast riding my bike than when i take public transportation; and if set properly can give you a superhero's legs, and you can even work out your arms, if you don't want to keep your lazy nerd habits, you should definitely take a bike.

Do it Yourself This is where you learn about screwing things. Of course not in the sense "jamming it in", but in the sense "doing random crap and fixing stuff by yourself to save a lot of time and money". Be aware that, even if you are very good at it, some matters need professionals; you wouldn't want your whole heating system to be down in December because the leak you tried to fix in july actually got bigger instead of stopping.

What you shouldn't do yourself    

Plumbing work that is not "tightening a bolt" or "changing a joint" Trying to work on your place's structural integrity Wall refitting job Carpet cutting if you're not experienced.

Trial and Error This principle has been nature's basic one for hundreds of millions of years. And it's good, that means that first, you have to try, if it doesn't work, which means there is an error, that means the way you did it is likely to be a dead end, and so you have to try something else. Try, fail => Try something else. Something else you need to have, is an idea of what you're doing, or of what you plan to do, if you just want to fix it not knowing how it works out you'll fail, hard; the second of the failure, you will hear "Useless!", then everything will break down on you in an instant, a steamroller will fall from the sky, and a vampire freak will laugh at you. It is close to impossible to work it out on your first try, but once you've caught a glimpse of it, you'll be able to manage. No plan => Fail.

The Basics

Hold 1. Glue: variable o Considering the many different types of glue that exist, they can virtually be of most uses, but if you want your stuff to hold, you'd rather use them as a support and add something else. Some glues are actually pretty strong, and can be used alone, but unless you know them very well (which means you've gone through hell), better ask for confirmation. Holds in most directions. 2. Nails: clean, low-medium efficiency o That's where I tell you not to go cry to your mother when you've (stop!) hammer timed your finger. o Fastens in normal to axis plan. 3. Screws: relatively clean, medium-high efficiency o Better than nails in most cases, enable to fasten in the axis direction and in all normal plans. 4. Bolts: least clean, best efficiency o Bolts are often used to keep two parts of a same work together, usually in 2(4) parts, it can be used with only 1(2) depending on the material you're working on. 5. Rivets: clean, good efficiency, prefer on metal. o Instead of holding stuff together by pull, rivets "push" the material apart to ensure the different pieces don't slip. I say it is best for metal because of this, and the fact that most surface to surface work is done with metal(and sometimes thin pieces of plywood, where they still do work) o While they're clean and have a good hold, they cannot be removed by conventional means.

Tools and Devices: 

 

The minimum: a multi-grip plier, a ruler, a set of screwdrivers, a hammer or 2, a set of hex keys, one of wrenches/cranks, and of course a magnificent collection of nails and screws(small saw or driller might be of use). The most useful devices for you will be a portable drill with a set of bits, a wood saw, and a metal one, hand wield, if you plan on more serious use, better get a jigsaw at least. When you're using alimented tools (no battery), NEVER forget to, after unplugging them, turn them on to get rid of those nasty residual electric charges, which could, if accumulated, run the device by itself and chop an arm or pierce an eye. Of course, if you take low cost tools, they'll break up fast, so if you plan on using them for what they are done, put some money in it.



Wood types: o Plywood:  Plywood is made by gluing a number of thin slices of lumber on several layers and at difference axis’s. This results in an easily bending yet strong product, that holds nicely in most directions. Higher grades have less visible knots in the wood, the glue used is better (Sometimes water resistant, c.f. marine plywood), it can be found in a variety of shapes and size, from small pieces to large panels. o Laminated:  Laminated is made by gluing a load of timber together, and in parallel, it allows to make strong and long wood products without requiring large trees, and is often used for beams. o Timber/Lumber:  This is your regular wood, the properties often depend on the tree it is made of, and pine is supple and light, for example. For bolts, screws and nails, be careful that the effort given to the fastening system is not given in the "grain" of wood if you are working on some, the grain is the direction all visible lines take and it is the weak point of it. o This is slightly different with plywood, and really depends the number of layers and the way they are glued together.

Metal 

 

Hard/tough material to work on, almost impossible in some cases, and making a mistake on it will not always be correctable. Requires specific drill bits, saw blades, bands and disks. Much more likely to project fragments, so it's dangerous. Use bolting and riveting in priority. If you are going to use glue, it is better to sand the surfaces where the glue will be applied, preferably with a larger grain sandpaper.

Others  

Under no circumstance shall you work on DragonForce, all your tools would break down. Anything rock related, such as concrete, is one BIG hassle; it'll require, just like metal, special (masonry) tools. After a material like concrete or clay sets, it becomes nearly impossible to work with; it cracks and chips when being shaped. Concrete can only be shaped using a cast, which in itself is difficult to make. Before clay sets, however, it is quite easy to make complex shapes, although it can create a mess. Creating a lot of designs requires a potter's wheel, which can be very expensive. If you're working on these, that means either you have an annoying problem on your hands, or you want to become an artist. This is your problem. o If you need a potter's wheel, and that you have a bit of experience, you may make it yourself, consider using bike parts for a leg powered rotating disk or if you are familiar with old sewing machines, adapt one to your needs. Plaster is weak; anything heavy will break it up, same for any non-soft hit, so just use it carefully. Nails are fine as long as properly done, screws will have to be put in very carefully, and you don't want to bolt or glue anything on plaster.

Basic Working

Holds Gluing  

Always wash away any drooling glue before it dries, some glues are expansive and will become horrible looking when dried if not cleaned up. Always keep the two parts you want glued under pressure, again, when using expansive glues, a lot of pressure will be applied onto the interface, and it may move parts off and create problems. Some glues are, on the contrary, quick dry and non-expansive, these can be used to keep parts together so you can apply expansive, more powerful glues to them. Always check what material you are using and what kind of glue you need, some of them are corrosive, I remember using PVC glue onto my webcam clip, and it resulted in a bunch of holes, which are not much appreciated. Don't sniff them, as sweet as some smell, it's bad for you; this actually applies to almost every product you could use (Some have even been removed from distribution due to their use by junkies). If there's any glue anywhere near your eyes or mouth or nose, wash it.

Nailing 

 

If you are using on massive nail, you should first drill a hole just a little tighter than the width of the nail. If the hole is too wide the nail will slip out, if it's too narrow, it may break the surface under the pressure. First you have to put the nail's tip on the point you want the head to be later, as close to the angle as you can, beginner or not, stick to right angles, because it's much easier to make a mistake when you're not perpendicular to the surface. Then take your hammer, hand it as close to the weight as possible at first, and slowly, with little hits, put in the nail; of course holding it with your fingers. Once a good part of it is in, I'd say more than 1/3rd, remove your fingers, it should stand by itself, if it doesn't do what you just did again. You can new start holding the hammer from the tip of the handle, it'll give each hit much more strength, and that way you can finish nailing it in, if you're not sure what you're doing, don't nail it all the way, leave a small space between the surface and the head of the nail, so you can slip in something to remove the nail if necessary.

Screwing 

Same as for massive nails, if the screw is wide, drill a hole of the width of the screw's core part. If the hole is too wide the screw will slip out, if it's too little, it may break the surface under the pressure. Again, make sure the screw is perpendicular to the surface; try to put the tip of it by hand so that it doesn't go wild afterwards. Then slowly use your screwdriver (clockwise for screwing in) to secure it in, and finish it once you're sure it won't go wild. When using any screwdriver, if it does not fit the head of the screw perfectly, you may experience a few "jumps", so you will have to apply a lot of pressure on the screwdriver to make

sure it doesn't damage the head of the screw, which would be a critical problem if you plan on removing a reusing the screw later. Righty tighty, lefty loosy; or if you prefer it in English, most screw are tightened by turning clockwise and loosened by turning anti clockwise, this is sometimes reversed in special gears for functionality or security.

Bolting 

  

You will have to make a hole of at least the width of the core part of the bolt, making it exactly of that size will making the fastening stronger. A bit wider is fine, as big or bigger than the head of the bolt will be fail, and you'll have to fill the hole with either putty or glue to make it fit. If the hole is a perfect fit, you might not want to use a counter-nut, but in most case you should. If the material you are working on is a bit weak, or that you just want a clean bolt, use washers. Use the right wrench in priority, gripping tools only when needed, or you might damage the head and it'll be a hassle to remove.

Preparation & Modification Drilling  

Absolutely assure that you are perpendicular to the surface, if you are not it will cause problems later, sometimes even big ones. If you plan on making a hole with a certain angle, you can either tape something over the spot you want to drill to have a normal plan, or find a way for both the drilled, and the drill, to remain at the same angle while you are making the hole. o put some ruler you can get the drill to slide on/next, and fasten the piece you want to work to something sound, well now that's real tinkering, Mac Guyver would laugh at you if you didn't know. you'll just have to improvise, a couple of boards to get the right height, another to limit the ruler on the horizontal axis, fasten it all together and start sliding. Like with everything else, you have first to make a "print" for the hole, use a pen and make a cross where you need it, then make sure the drill bit will get right there, prevent the drill from moving at all when you enter, because it might slip away a bit and screw a lot of preparations, once you have secured a correct depth into the material, you can go faster, the most important part is always the first, because it will condition whatever happens next. o You can use a thin drill bit to make a small hole which you will put the correct sized bit in to obtain the right aim.

Sawing   

Use a pen a draw the line you want to cut on. Don't put your fingers on that line. You know you want to, but don't, believe me, it's not good for you. Don't try to saw half the length from one side, and half from the other, saws often bend in a very specific way, but they always bend, so if you don't do all the work in the same direction there will be some heavy imperfections, especially at the point where both paths will have joined.

 

o Only cut from different positions when you have no other way around. Use the right tools, using a back saw when you have to cut into something wide will only result in the inability to pursue once the material touches the steel arm. Back saws are useful for thin pieces, use normal (full) saws for thick ones. (Though I agree that normal saws can get pretty wacky) Jigsaws are for thin pieces, be sure the check that the blade is for the right material, and that the settings correspond to what you need (straight or curvy). Despite how much Anonymous may hate weeaboos, a Japanese-made saw is usually superior to a Western-made saw. They have methods of making higher-quality steel saws, which will allow you to waste less material and do less work. A good place to find these tools outside of J-list ads on 4chan is a Garrett Wade catalog, which has everything Anonymous could ever ask for in terms of tools. These tools, in addition to being higher quality, will be higher-priced, too. Remember, you get what you paid for. Don't spend $3.99 on a saw in a gas station if you're trying to build something that you want to look professional. o True about saws, occidental types are wacky because you have to push to get it through, while Japanese ones are the other way around, which is far safer and enables thin cuts, some backsaws have reversible blades, make use of them.

Sanding    

Evaluate the amount of matter you have to remove from the surface. Select appropriate sandpaper grain, the rougher for more work Sequentially change paper grain as you get closer to the final result (That is, if you want a smooth surface) if you want a neat finish, use chips of said material to smoothen it up even more, finally clean up with a damp sponge or piece of fabric.

Not so basic

Milling Sometimes what you are making requires to have clean surfaces, and that's where milling comes into play, it will enable you to prevent bolts and screws sticking out of surfaces (And being potential dangers). The point is to carve/drill a wider section at the entrance of the hole, so that the head of whatever you're using fit in it. 

It is easiest and generally welcome for screws (That way you don't need to apply too much force on it, possibly damaging the head, which is a major pain in the ass when you need to make modification, or worse, tearing the material from the inside out, making the use of a screw useless). For bolt it is sometimes unneeded as fastening it can apply enough pressure to cave in the material, to the same effect (Except in some cases the damage made to the surface becomes a problem), the problem here is that even if you mill to fit the nut, the length of the bolt will still

stick out, in which case you might want to saw it off; to saw it not-too-badly, mark where you want it sawn, take it off, put one/several nuts all the way to the head (Past the point where you will cut), cut what you want off, then remove the nuts, this will fix a part of the damage made to the threading of the bolt, and making it easier to put them on later. Generally what you want to do is mill before drilling, the reason is that drilling a larger hole into an existing one can prove pretty difficult, especially when both diameters are not far apart, in this case it's just drilling about the thickness of the head deep, then taking the smaller bit and making the actual hole. If you have to mill after the hole is done, avoid flat drill bits at all costs, they are a plague in this situation, your biggest problem is to have a sound, normal, stable drilling basis, or the bit might slip and make a mess, and go as slowly as possible, to prevent blocking (In some cases, damaging the bit, especially on metals). Carving is more difficult, but my guess is, if you're trying to carve it, that means you don't have a choice, and I would admit to not knowing of any specific techniques in that case, so you're on your own, particularly on harder materials.

Epoxy Resin Epoxy resin is a sweet little bastard, it acts in a way similar to glue, but is not self-catalyzed (Or rather, air-catalyzed, kind of), meaning it won't harden unless you mix it with a specific product. A few things:        

Like glue, it has a lifespan, don't stock it and leave it in a shed for years. Like glue, it's bad for your lungs, work with an air draft, or a mask. If you do not put enough catalyst, it might take ages to harden, or not harden at all. If you put too much catalyst, the reaction will go too fast, sometimes heat up and burn you, which is not a pleasant experience. In general, not following the resin-specific instructions (Temperature of room, ratio resin/catalyst, etc.) will result in a loss of strength of the final product. It can be used to waterproof surfaces or objects, such as wood pieces. One can mix in milled fiber and aluminum powder to obtain a sort of concrete, easier to apply as a joint (Resin itself being runny),and reinforcing the result. Ideally, you would also resin (Just resin, no fiber or aluminum) a strip of fiberglass on the other side of the jointure between two objects (If convex).

Cleaning Up Here you will require a set of little tools that are actually pretty handy in many situations: 1. A razorblade, useful to cut off little bits of everything hanging about. Also useful for becoming an hero, so be careful. o For metal use a saw or a flat screwdriver to hammer it away. 2. Some Sandpaper, that's to remove splinters and clean off edges or just little imperfections. o There exists several different grits in order to go from heavy sanding to refined abrasive work. Remember, the lower the grit number, the heavier the sanding job. If you're

trying to remove glue from your creation, avoid low-grit sandpaper like the fucking plague. High-grit sandpaper (From 120 and above) is invaluable for sharpening knives, tools, and other shanking devices. 3. A vacuum cleaner/broom to remove all the crap that's lying on the ground, there always is. 4. a box to put your tools into, if possible ordered, you don't want to spend an hour looking for the key of 6 because your roller wheel axis is coming off.

Craft Well, everything's needed to make a world, here should be located tips and tricks about different types of craft requiring precise skills, such as sewing, electronics, etc.

Sewing First this will be useful to you because you don't want to throw away articles of clothing just because of a small tear. On the long run you might even be able to make your own clothes, but that's really not necessary.

Thread Not much to say here.     

Cheap thread will break easily, don't take those. Extra strong threads (Advertised so at least) are for seams that will be under heavy stress and/or thick and rigid fabrics such as jean/denim, otherwise, regular thread is good enough. Unless you know your color codes, always use threads of the same color as the fabric you use them on, for purely esthetical purposes. Threading a needle requires training, because squinting won't help, wet the tip of the thread and pinch it to make it thinner at the end. You can either make a not on the needle or keep two concurrent lengths of thread.

Needle Choosing a needle that is fabric specific can sometimes make a great difference, especially on fine fabrics, so here is a general classification for needles: 

Universal needle o Says it all, safest choice for most fabrics. Midway between ballpoint and sharp. o Might be difficult to use on thick or rough fabric, such as denim. Ballpoint/Stretch needle o These needles have an dull tip so as to slide between the threads instead of piercing through the fabric.


Should test a few different such needles and choose the one that cuts least into the fabric. Microtex/Sharp needle o For sewing microfiber, silk, synthetic leather or do precise stitching o might hurt some kinds of fabric Leather needle o Has a slight cutting tip, instead of a piercing point o Might tear synthetic leather Denim needle o For heavyweight denim, duck, canvas, upholstery fabrics, artificial leather, and vinyl. in general sharp and thick.

Fabrics Some of the main fabric types along with a few properties: 

Woven: o

Denim: 



This is what makes your jeans, made of cotton, often rugged and quite sturdy, it can be quite painstaking to sew, and often requires a lot of tension to be applied to the thread to keep parts together, strong threads are preferred but regular ones may also be used.  Very little give in both direction  Available mostly in blue/black shades  Easier with special denim needles Plain cloth:  Can be used for remotely anything, made from any fiber.  Properties are fiber dependent.  Usually little give in both directions, some varieties have some stretch (c.f cotton)  Available in any color.  Universal needles, obviously. Satin:  Best made of silk, can be made from polyester and other less refined fabrics.  Very little give in both directions  Available in most colors and shades  Best using sharp/microsharp/microtextile needles

Netted: o

Tulle:  

 o


Very light netting, can be made in most fibers, quite weak so must be handled with care. Due to it's construction, there is more surface not covered by yarn than covered, the needle type is unimportant, so long as it works on the other fabrics you are sewing the tulle on/with. Important give in both directions.

    

Pile Woven: o Velvet:     

Very soft, used mostly on the outside of garment, higher quality involves silk, regular cotton, but other fibers may be used. Very little give, unless the fibers are blended with spandex. Available in most primary colors and some more shades Apply proper tension to thread Universal needles should do.

Crushed: o Felt    

Very light and fine netting, mostly silk and cotton, but can be found in other fibers. More resistant than tulle but fragile nonetheless. Use microfiber needles. Very little give.

Varying from light and soft to thick and rough, it can be used for remotely anything. Available in most colors. The softer the more give it has. Universal needle.

Leather/furs: o Leather:  From thin and soft to thick and more rigid. As well as suede’s (sanded leather)  Colors often remain in the browns.  Slight give in all directions  Use leather (bladed) needles for real leather, sharp ones for synthetic.  Tension in the thread can cut through the leather, tread carefully. o Fur:  Same as leather for sewing, but more colors, patterns, etc.

Stitches Running Stitch

The running stitch is the most basic and simple of stitching:    

Knot the first stitch Take the needle through the fabric at every step Slightly pull on the thread to tighten the stitch Keep your steps as even as possible, smaller is often better


Is just making running stitches at large intervals, is used to keep pieces of fabric together to prepare for the actual stitching.

Back Stitch

The back stitch is the strongest hand sewing stitch, and tries to be close to a sewing machine stitch, it is based on a "2 forward, 1 backward" approach:  

Knot the first stitch At each step: o skip an interval and go through the fabric, pull gently o go back through the interval you just skipped, pull again o restart if you're doing it right, one side should show one length of thread between each point, and the other 2.

Over sewing Stitch

Over sewing enables you to contain the free edge of a seam, which is useful in case of fabric that fray easily.    

Start with one or several backstitches Go in diagonal over the free end (raw edge) of the seam Repeat, stay as even as possible, and do not tighten the thread too much Spacing between points is dependent of how likely the fabric will fray

Seams For this part, we will have to consider a few terms regarding the fabric:   

the Raw Edge is the edge of the fabric on the side which you intend to sew (it would be the top of the fabric in the previous illustrations) the Right Side is the side of the fabric which you intend to be seen (as in the outside of a coat or such) the Wrong Side is the side of the fabric which you intend to remain inseen, or "inside"

As to be neater, all seams will be on the "wrong side", so that they are not apparent to the common folk. Flat Seam

The flat seam in your simple, everyday seam, works just fine, but leaves the inside improperly finished.    

Match the fabric pieces' raw edges, right sides inside Pin and if necessary baste them Execute your best stitches all along at a distance of 7 to 15 millimeters from the edges Add a few stitches in reverse on each end to secure the seam

Press the "allowance" of the seam (the 2 flaps of fabric at the edges) open as as to give the "flat" characteristic to the seam.

French Seam

The French seam is slightly more complex than the flat seam, but is self-contained, and is thus of much cleaner make. 

  

First, execute a kind of reverse flat seem, that is: o Match the fabric pieces' raw edges, wrong sides inside o Pin and if necessary baste them o Execute your best stitches all along at a distance of 6 millimeters from the edges o Add a few stitches in reverse on each end to secure the seam Cut half the allowance away Fold the fabric as to enclose the seam and have the right sides together Pin or Baste the fabric just over the needed width to cover the seam and stitch a second seam.

Casts Whether you need to clone a part for a contraption, or make up some artful item, for fitting or not, you could be interested.

Latex Easier for intricate pieces, but due to the same reason it is easy to cast, it's hard to have it keep the exact shape. While it does make a lot of things easier, you will have to respect a certain number of limits:      

Be warned that latex has an extremely strong and peculiar smell, reminiscent of unwashed genitals. And said smell will be on you for a while. Do not use to cast things that are likely to outstretch the latex when you take them out. Porous material such as fabric and wood will tend to absorb part of the latex and make it nigh impossible to properly remove. Latex sticks, a lot, and to itself, use talc or such powders on both item and later dried latex to prevent it from sticking and distorting itself as you remove the object. Latex Eventually dries out and the cast will be unusable. If there are holes in the item you want to cast, you're in for a fuckload of pain, you'll probably have to stretch the latex a bit once it's dry and cut that part then fuse it back.

Plaster Harder to use for intricate and generally non-convex things, has the advantage of providing a long lasting solid mold.


Since you either don't want to break the item or break the mold once it's dried, you will have to cast each convex part separately and find a way to keep the parts together afterwards. For this it is also quite helpful to have a cast box where you can set your item and pour the liquid plaster around. For example: you want to make a cast of a round door handle, the reason for that does not matter, there are no cavities of any kind on the surface, and it is quite circular. What you should do:    

Make a cast of exactly half of it, so one of the 2 theoretical sides. Once dry, remove the handle, and on the sides of the cast, drill two perfectly parallel holes Turn around the handle in the box (useless since it's circular, but this process applies to most items with 2 faces/sides. Cover the handle with the first cast, and pour the second through the holes you made. o Two layers of plaster never stick together, so if your holes are properly made, the two sides should slide out once dry When dry, separate sides, remove item, and there you have a full cast ready to use.

This technique can kind of be extrapolated for items with more convex sides, though you might not want to use holes to keep it all together, as it will get tricky, the idea being to do each side separately and that each cast fits in the finally system. Advice  

Cover the item to be cast in a solution with hig soap concentration, thus the plaster will not stick. Plaster reduces a bit as it dry, take that in account.

Lost Wax Almost ideal for one of a kind works. This time, instead of shaping a cast, you will have to carve the shape in wax, that requires quite neat skills, though some parts can probably be cast and melted if you try to make a copy, but the main idea is to carve in wax what the final result should be, this is, for example, what you'd do to make a rose cast. Once you have properly carved your model, you will need a box and sand. The goal being to fully encase the wax (except for a single flat side at the top) into the sand, and then pour hot metal onto the wax, which will melt, leaving only the sand imprint as a makeshift cast for the metal.

Sex and Relationships Because in the end, that's what you want.

Girls Women, in general, are selfish whores. They want all the attention they can get, yet can't realize we cannot be there for them whenever they feel like to and put up with their bullshit whey they don't want us around. - Anonymous (17991547) Women get coddled and carried their whole lives as long as they aren't complete fucking mutants. From daddy's house, to the frat house, to hubby's house. - Anonymous (13263608) A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired. - Dwayne Perkins

How to Behave First and foremost: Act like you deserve her, because you do. Remember, Anonymous - the mentality of a woman is that you should be all that she wants and that she chooses you. Many of us are intelligent, nerdy, philosophical, etc. but you cannot, REPEAT cannot expect a woman to like you for these things. She needs to be put in her place because in her opinion its about who is in control. It doesn't even matter how much money you make or if you are a male model (fag), it's about how you handle her bullshit. Just think: in a burning house, how many men would run back in and die trying to save their wife v.s. how many women would jump out the back window and hide in the backyard. Women have no qualms about switching to another man if the opportunity cost of switching is less than the new benefits (A dildo is fine too). They claim to feel attachment but never so much that they would stand by a man that they feel isn't meeting ALL of their needs. With that said... Talk to every fucking person you encounter. This cannot be said enough. Talk to every single person you encounter. This applies to everyone equally including males or ugly girls and works for two reasons. First, doing this conditions you to be a more social person instead of the basement-dwelling, mouth breather that lives in your parents basement. Practicing being social conditions you much like exercise: if you are

desensitized to doing an uncomfortable activity (such as talking to people) it progressively becomes less uncomfortable. Secondly, sometimes a girl who is attractive will see you speaking to people in a group and hover around that group in order to enter in the conversation. If done properly girls will walk into the group and practically beg you to allow them to give their childish opinion. In summary, if you cannot talk to the old, fat, ugly lady sitting next to you at lunch how do you expect to talk to the unbelievably hot bitch that comes jogging by you when you are reading some book on C++ programming?

Go Ahead, /b/ Arrogant. Girls are attracted to funny AND arrogant men. Think computer engineering, * means and, but we commonly use it to represent multiplication, as in they multiply each other. Put it in brackets, a man who is funny and arrogant, not that they like both funny men and arrogant men, but only those who are both, in some way, to them. Not funny or arrogant men. Find a funny line that boasts yourself as arrogant and that is all you will ever need. They will laugh, give you their number, and the rest is like driving down the interstate: straight, no curves, with the comfort of cruise control. Afterwards do your best to give them an orgasm. Once you've given them their first orgasm, they will never leave you if you treat them right. This is true. Many very popular womanizers are both cocky and a little bit on the self loving side. It sounds stupid, but it's the truth- no matter how kind you are, women are not going to fawn on you unless you have a little bit of an edge to you. For an experiment: Buy yourself a leather jacket, grab a pair of shades, slick back your hair, and drive somewhere far away. Try to pick up chicks; it'll probably be easier. Actually, being kind may not work at all, it seems that gratification is inversely proportional to the actual effort you make, simply because being helpful will be out of the ordinary for someone who never helps, and people will think that it was a great honour to be helped, and will so loath the person; while when you always help, people just know you're going to help, and won't really care to use you, also, notice how people bitch at you when you usually help but one time won't. This is exactly why "good guys always lose". Good guys, also known as your typical kiss-ass, always work hard to please the woman and make her feel special in a slightly facetious way. This is wrong for two reasons- one, it's obviously a ploy to get into their pants, and they know it. But the second and by far most important reason is that it sends a message to girls: I have this guy. I can use him as I like. I don't have to work for him., NOT "Oh, what a sweetie". Take, for example, film hero James Bond, especially the version played by Sean Connery. James Bond did not go "You're beautiful baby, I love you so much I wrote a poem for you". Hell, James Bond slapped women on the ass, told them what to do, and generally just manipulated them. And you know what? On screen and off screen, that works. Believe it or not, there is a little vein of submissiveness in most women, generally equating to the desire to be controlled. It comes from nature. While this is by far not a license for you to put a collar on her and call her "Doggie", it does mean that you need to display some balls before she's going to want to see them, hold them, suck them, and fuck them.

((For an experiment: Buy yourself a leather jacket, grab a pair of shades, slick back your hair, and drive somewhere far away. Try to pick up chicks; it'll probably be easier.)) Another thing, the Minbari say "Claim victory in your heart and the universe will follow". This proverb can be pretty much used for what you are trying to do here, by claiming victory, as in believe you already got her and you can do whatever you want with her, you will become rougher and probably give more orders, which has been proved to be characteristics liked by women, and so it might help you win them. Sum-up: Act like she is already your girlfriend, AKA be an asshole, uncaring, and order-giving guy, and she will come to you.

She Is Always Coming Onto You. Never the Other Way Around. One thing that commonly kills men is that they allow themselves to be trapped(Bridget?) into letting the woman believe that they are something wanted and that you are working for them. This gives them the reins to the relationship, and will easily allow her to dictate what you do, when you do it, and how hard. Let's take a theoretical situation- calling for a date. Your average "good guy" loser kind of character would pull something like this:    

Guy: Hey, would you mind going on a date? Girl: Well, I don't know. Guy: I'll take you out to so-and-so's. Girl: Well... all right...

And then our Casanova- James Bond meets Sylvester Stallone or something.    

Guy: Hey, how does a date sound tomorrow night? Girl: Well, I don't know. Guy: Come on. Don't tell me clipping your toenails is more important! Girl: Not at all! I'll be glad to go.

The difference here, while I obviously made it overboard, is how the request is handled. Take a look at the underlined portions of the discussions above. In the first discussion, the guy obviously is asking permission for her to go along, already setting her "I'm a princess" gears into motion. In the second one, it is obviously a pseudo-request, pseudo-demand.

Keep in mind that this in no way is inciting you to go out and command women or demand they come with you. God, that is probably the worst thing you can do. However, you cannot let yourself get into the habit of automatically making yourself subordinate. Many popular pickup dating teachers often go so far as to say that you are "jokingly pushy"- meaning you don't let

them push you off to the "maybe", you get either a yes or a no. It may sound mean, but it's called testosterone. A great way to use this principle so vividly illustrated here would be the use of the word should. You can use it for everything that you want them to do, because its a socially acceptable way to command people. After swapping numbers... "can I call you sometime??" = pussy "You should call me" and "You should let me buy you dinner" Appeal not only to her sense of submission to authority but also she feels as though it would be good for her. (Literally - what she SHOULD do) Try getting good at what is referred to to as misinterpretation. Respond to her as if she is trying to pick you up and ask you out. For example when she says, "You seem like a really down-toearth guy," you could respond with "Wow, you sure are forward, aren't you?" It is important that the misrepresentation is delivered with confidence and humor, otherwise you seem like a creep. Remember, she is always coming on to you.

Things to Be And now we hit the things that you should be. Just remember, these don't apply all of the timebut for the most part, they really help out.         

Be classy. Nothing turns women off more than burping, farting, bad table manners, or that kind of shit. Swearing included, god fucking dammit. Be sophisticated, but not a braggart. This especially helps if you're into bookworm or smart chicks. Bar chicks don't care about this. Be playful. Think Brad Pitt playful, not Jim Carrey playful. A bit of a tease as opposed to a clown. Be slightly arrogant. If you act like you don't like yourself, you'll make her not like you as well. Love yourself. Be adventurous. Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones wet quite a few panties back in his day. You can too. Don't hesitate to be bold, there's hardly anything that dangerous to do anyway. Be attentive. Listen to what she says. She may give you ideas, just be saying something interesting, or give you hints to make a move. ...but be indifferent. Don't let her think she "has" you. That borders on being clingy (see below). Don't feel like you have to repress yourself, you can swiftly introduce a few sexual innuendos, but anything beyond that is NO. Also, for fuck's sake, stop fapping like your life depended on it. If your body thinks it's once every hour, it doesn't need to try its best to find mates. Once you stop fapping so much you'll have a lot more energy to spend, and the relative sexual repression should result in an increase in hormone secretion, hence more of a drive to meet women. Stop going on any of the *chans for a bit. It rots your brain. Girls, typically, are not interested in the internet. Resist the urge to talk about it. Not going on /b/ for a few days will condition your brain to focus on other topics and things you enjoy so that you will be interesting, and not come off as a nerd. Be forewarned that many people who are wrong on the Internet will continue to be wrong if you abstain. Be confident. Make sure she realises that she needs someone like you in her life.

Things to Absolutely Never Do Since you are a creepy fucker(yes you are, don't try to find excuses) and an idiot in a more general way, read those few lines if you don't want to be reported for harassment. As they are pretty obvious on their own right, do remember these absolute "do not do or else"s

         

NEVER become clingy, including calling her often or just hanging onto her. Be protective, but don't be obsessive. If she asks you to call her "sometime", do it one or two days after, not the second you get your greasy hand on your cell phone. NEVER show off. They can tell when you're doing that now. Be honest, but still be flirtatious. NEVER use pickup lines. Most of them suck, and can be seen a mile away. NEVER become excessively emotional or weak. That includes talking about exes, crying, or that kind of shit. NEVER defer to her for minor choices. If you ask her to go out to eat, ask her if she likes a certain restaurant, not where she likes to eat. NEVER fake it. You aren't a ball player or a famous actor. That shit collapses on you fast. NEVER ask to stick it in her pooper. If you already asked, you're fucked. NEVER pee in her bum. Or that will be the last buttsecks you have NEVER offer to buy her anything before you have had sex with her (at least a blowjob), instead convince her to buy you things. NEVER bring out the furry unless she knows you enough. NEVER swear directly at your girlfriend. You may swear and you may even say that something she did is 'fucking gay' but never say that SHE is 'fucking gay.' You will always be held in more respect that way.

Romantic Ideas Being romantic can really make women attracted to you. An anon is willing to share his story: After getting back together with his girlfriend, he left a simple handwritten note on her dresser after a visit, saying how much he loved her and was happy to have her. So when she walked back into her room, she found the note after said anon left and began crying in happiness from this note. Things like this can really get chicks going. Feel free to take that anon's idea and use it yourself; a thesaurus may be suggested. Said anon used a thesaurus to start off the letter saying "I adore you" instead of "I love you", which may not seem like anything major but can come off a lot better in the long run. You'll never, ever go wrong with flowers.

Quotes From Actual Living and Breathing Women The following are some miscellaneous quotes from girls that generally validate my claims. 

"'Jim Carrey funny' (clownishness) is good, but use it in moderation."

 

"Grabby is okay, same with excessive kissing as long as it doesn't get annoying. The other stuff, such as sex, will have to wait until the time is right." "Typically, I hate guys that won't take the initiative to ask me first. It's shitty and stupid. Men will always have to make the first move. It's as simple as that."

Be romantic (not a dipshit) Being romantic is like driving a very expensive sports car on a racetrack. You need to be able to do it well, without crashing and burning because you tried to go too fast, too slow, or just didn't know when to make the right moves. Being romantic is being spontaneous, yet controllingwhich is a feat in and of itself.

Going out on a date Inviting her home If you're so lucky as to get her into your home/apartment/dorm room/cardboard box, feel specialshe's almost given you the keys. Keep in mind though- this does not mean "Let's have sex"- often times, she really does mean she wants to see your pad. That means that, no matter what, you're going to have to worry about appearances- not only of yourself, but of your entire house. That being said, take the following tips as some good advice:  

  

Always have the place clean. Yes, it may be hard, but it being clean shows that you are reliable and clean. Women also don't really like getting into a dirty or messy bed. Pets are great ice breakers, but be wary. Having your 300lb gorilla of a dog run and jump on your date's lap equals problems. Hell, she may even be allergic. Cats and small dogs, however, seem to be good ice breakers- and it shows you're responsible. Hide the porn. This is for two reasons- you don't want to look like a pervert, and it may be a little embarrassing or degrading. It would be the same thing as if you walked into her place and saw a poster of a heavily ripped male model. Alcohol may scare her. I don't care what you see on television, too many girls are paranoid of date rape nowadays. You are not Austin Powers. Do not pull out a rotating bed, a soul CD, turn on the fire, give her a velvet blanket, or any of that bullshit. No really, don't. Try to at least look respectable. Being anonymous, you no doubt have many geeky things in your house. At least try to seem deep, don't make her wait until you catch the Shiny Pidgey. If it´s a Shiny Lugia or something like that it´s ok, but not a damn Pidgey.

Being more than just a friend A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the

basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired. Let's say you are a straight male and you have a male friend. The two of you are friends for awhile, you have fun hanging out. Then one day that male friend says he's always had a crush on you and asks you out. How would you feel? You never saw him as a potential date, only as a friend. This is the same way it is for females with male friends. If you aren't put into the potential date category pretty quickly after meeting them, you probably never will be or will have a hard time getting into that category which will only result in a short relationship. If a girl views you as a friend, you are the same as a female friend to her and therefore NOT a potential date, and finding out you are attracted to her will just make her feel awkward (and maybe sad, because she realizes you are a person with feelings but may be sad she cannot return your feelings) towards you. Thinking becoming friends with women first will get you lots of dates is a mistake many men make. DON'T do it, it only leads to heartache and blueballs. Get to know a woman before officially proclaiming yourselves boyfriend & girlfriend, yes, but do that through things like 1on-1 dates, NOT friendship.

Types To Stay The Fuck Away From The Slut This is a no-brainier. Slutty girls are easily distinguished by the fact that they are willing to fuck ANYTHING that moves, regardless of emotional interest. While this sounds nice to the average /b/tard, the truth is that these girls are rather dangerous. Not only do they generally carry sexual diseases, but they have a nasty tendency to have emotional problems which make them the slut they are- leading you into the pit of hell. These emotional problems generally fall into one of a few categories. The girl can either be attention deprived (As in she was ignored as a kid or something, including the lack of one or more parents), just stupid, or a genuine nymphomaniac- and all three of those things are dangerous, especially when it comes to after the sex. Getting a quick lay can be done with your hand- handling these girls is extremely dangerous. The Emotional Whore This somewhat falls into the category of slut, so I'll be brief. Always try to avoid excessively emotional girls. Those kind of girls tend to create a shitload of problems for you, including those with your friends and everyone you know. These are the types of girls who will go out and go apeshit on you if you offend her, or get far too involved in a simple relationship to the point of obsession. Unless you want calls at 2 in the fucking morning about how much she wants to know you love her (through her tears for no apparent reason), don't bother.

The Arrogant Pain In The Ass Before I even begin, take a look at this quote from a girl I interviewed while writing this section. When I asked her what kind of person would be her ideal guy, she loaded me up with this: ...long blond hair but not in say a mullet or in a pony tail it has to just hang down and look neat, muscular athletic build like he doesn't just let his body go to hell (exercise ) he must be a complete gentleman and treat his ladies with respect, I shouldn't have to remind him to open the doors and stuff, we would have to have common interests but different interests as to make him not boring to talk to, I shouldn't have to pay on dates if he asks me to go on a date, and he shouldn't expect anything (sexual or sensual) I will let him have it if i feel the same And when I asked her how she would "sell" herself to a guy like this, well thats the thing I shouldn't have to sell myself, if a guy wants me he has to sell himself and i'll decide. For as long as they have walked the earth, women have been given deference due to their physiological weakness against men. This spanned hundreds of years- and now, in our "equal" society, they carry the distinct advantage of demanding this deference. No matter what feminist groups will tell you, women tend to have more power over men because they know they canthey are universally considered to be "catch"es, whereas men are simply a bunch of "suitors". So, what do you do in the case where you find a woman who thinks she's in control? There are a variety of options. Some guys will just ignore them. Some guys will secretly lust for them. Your stereotypical loser "nice guy" will roll over like a puppy dog, possibly showing off and trying to get her admiration. All three are wrong. The right answer is to push them back in their place. I'm not saying to get violent or rude with them- but nothing is able to calm a woman down more than someone who pushes back on her harder. If you don't, she will barrel you into a corner and rip you to pieces. And that sucks, especially at a bar. The whole key here, as many dating books and /b/ threads have said, is being the Alpha Male. This term comes from animal society, where a certain male dominates the rest, getting more of the female animals and usually forcing the others to work. That is your job- to rip the chains off of you and dominate wherever you go. And that post will be attacked- but you're the fucking Alpha Male, you know what the hell to do. So, when you experience a really bitchy woman, you need to remember a few things: 1. She probably is doing it as a shield. Most women like this have insecurity issues, much like bullies. 2. She can be broken, but sometimes it's better just to smack her back and move onto more entertaining girls.

3. She will make your life a living hell, especially in a party/bar situation, because she will literally cockblock you from the other girls she is (presumably) friends with. 4. She will go ballistic if you just ignore her or blow her off. Which means you have a lot of shit to handle. Many guys have come up with ways they figure works in this case—some end up literally going "You can't fool me", some just ignore the girl, and others have a "wingman" to get this girl out of the picture. No matter what, this kind of girl is a cancer to you, and will cause problems.

So, what do you do? While there is never really a good answer, here are some ideas you can try:     

Try pulling the knight-in-shining-armor thing--go off and pull one girl from her group or something and keep her away. You "Saved" her. Literally blow the girl off by saying something to the equivalent of "Sure", or "Whatever you say, princess". Believe it or not, being snippy can work wonders. Ignore them. Completely. Pull out a wingman and have him deal with her. That's kinda sacrificial and mean, but it works. Note: If you take this approach, please make it worth the wingman's while. Get him a few drinks or something.

The Needy Girl The needy girl is similar to the emotional whore mentioned above. The signs and symptoms usually do not become apparent until later in the relationship. It could be that she did not get enough attention as a child, or maybe she has had some bad relationship in the past. Either way, at first it won’t be a problem because at the beginning of a relationship, you are naturally going to be seeing her a lot. She will be getting her beloved special attention in torrents, and you are not going to mind because, let’s face it, you are happy to oblige. Still, after a while any relationship loses a little of its luster. This goes for practically anything. Even a brand new dream car is going to become somewhat commonplace after a while. As hard as it may be for some of you to believe it, fucking, kissing, and cuddling every single day can get a little tiring when there are no breaks in between. One of the many keys to a good relationship is having a little “private” time. This is why spouses should not work together or live together in cramped quarters for periods on end. (See also: The Shining) The needy girl does not understand. With a needy girl, you will often find your girlfriend crying and about how you never return her calls and multiple ten page emails. Even though you see her on a daily basis, you are NEVER giving her the attention she deserves. The needy girl MUST have intimate contact at all times or she simply is not satisfied. It is not so much that she loves you as much as she loves being loved. The problem is that by the time you realize that your girl is a needy bitch, you are often very, very involved and maybe you are too soft hearted (pussy) to break it off. This can often interfere with friendships, school, work, and pretty much everything else in your life.

I know that it probably sounds a little ridiculous to a lonely /b/tard, but you would be amazed how outrageous these needy girls can be. (Ex. I once had a girl make up a fake person on MySpace. Then she started harassing herself and stalking me via the account because she thought I wasn’t paying her enough attention…even though we were seeing/talking to each other on a daily basis! In the end it destroyed a friendship of mine and caused multiple headaches. The was the same girl that was jealous of my cat.) REMEMBER: The emotional whore and needy girl are often the same person!!!! Early Signs and Symptoms That Your Girl Might be Needy          

Multiple page emails/love letters that say little or nothing (Ex. 10 pages to say I love you) They expect you to respond to their emails with equally long replies 5, 10, 20, or more phone calls a day You often have to “watch what you say” to keep from offending them They often cry for hours with no known or expressed reason Long periods of awkward silence Excessive jealousy Clinginess Absurd task requests Desperate behavior

The Liar You're a fucking moron if you have to have this explained to you. If you find out she lies to you about things like who she is, what she looks like (in the case of an online relationship) or anything that would make a difference in your decisions with her if she hadn't lied, don't go near her.

A girl's tainted perspective based on her own poor experience Okay, here's a lesson on what to do if you've had sex or whatever with a woman, and she suddenly can't stand you. If she says that or hints it, or asks out right to be friends..TAKE THE OFFER. From personal experience, after I had done a little "play-time" with an ex, I began to not stand him, and I told him so and said I wanted to just be friends, he refused. But after a few days of not talking or seeing him, I stopped being unable to stand him and began lusting for him again, but then he insulted me. So, a lesson from me to you...take the offer to be friends and be nice, cause she could get a flame for you again. - (Note, it may be the case that she will "get the flame for you again" simply because she can't get something, in this case, this will be you. GIRLS WILL WANT TO FUCK WITH YOU just to stoke their egos, and coming crawling back to them is one way to ensure they can. Trust your instincts Anonymous, not your penis. Women NEVER really know what they want, but if they go for anything, it’s usually what they can't get.)

A guy's perspective on a girl's perspective While I may agree with some points of it, I'd warn you to be cautious. You don't want to be her pet, staying around and being nice for the POSSIBILITY that she'll one day want to have something with you again. If you REALLY liked her, and it hurts to be around her after it's all over, then the best thing you do is to cut all means of contact with her. Delete from your instant messengers, MySpace, etc, make sure you won't bump with any sights of her face often. What your eyes can't see, your heart can't feel. She may go "You just wanted to be near me when we made out and stuff, and now you don't want to be my friend, way to be like every other man!", but women are generally attention-whores who can't comprehend that sometimes we need time to get over feelings. But then again, if she didn't mean jack and you just liked the sex, then yes, keep her on your book, always remembering the other lessons found here. Another View From A Guy You don't have to just cut all ties, but don't be the "Friend" who is best buddy. That doesn't work. That is a one way road to being completely whipped without the sex. Talking every now and then, being able to hang out when you both happen to be in the same place or with mutual friends and parties... Thats fine. Chat every now and then online NOT CONSTANTLY IMING THEM EACH TIME THEY ARE ONLINE! But yea. You don't have to cut all ties. If they were important to you, you should do this, they may come around and come back. Just if they throw the hints, don't throw yourself at their feet. It makes you look desperate. If you enjoyed being with them for reasons other than just sex, you can work as friends. Cutting all ties could hurt them. And it is always good to avoid making enemies. Hurting a girl not only makes her your enemy, but many people that she knows become your enemies as well. Another problem with talking to them at a constant rate is the fact that as they become closer to you, they seem to think of you as someone they will not date/fuck/etc. They worry about the consequences of what would happen if anything above the realm of friend took place. They want you there and to be the one who they spill their soul to. All the boring things you can imagine that take place woman all result from trying to be the best friend. Also they may tire out from being around you and then cut ties with you, and with that it is all over. So try to keep a distance if the friend route is being attempted. Acting overly interested gives them the higher ground and you are no longer exciting to them. But if you keep a distance they will be the one that is working towards you. The cloud of mystery is mighty enticing to them, sometimes this could be the key to victory. The battle is one by the one that brings forth contact the least. Protip from SJ: If you're ever in the position to be a wingman, your job is to keep someone occupied for as long as possible. If you're one of those retarded /b/-tards who can't keep a conversation going with a paid hooker on acid, then you're probably shit out of luck and should relegate yourself to being ready to buy shit for your own wingman. Learn to know how to make people talk to you. "Oh hey, that's a nice shirt; where'd you get it? Oh I love that place! How much of your stuff do you get there? Hey, do you know of a location close by?" Be painfully interested in everything about everything they're interested in or about them and turn it into a full-fledged discussion. This is small-talk on crack. If it's a girl or a guy with fashion sense, talk about their clothes. If it's a frat guy, mention the local football team. Eventually you will

instinctively know how to weave a tapestry of lies around those who need to be contained, and to come to the rescue with social saves in the taa-daa nick of time. A good example of a "save" you can make while being a wingman happened to me recently. The fellow I was wingmanning was curled on a seat with his prospective lay, and she made a snide comment about him. He replies with    

Fellow: Screw you Third-Party Bitchfaced Whore: That's the problem, she's not! A moment of awkward silence follows. I jump into the middle of the conversation and say: "Heeeeey! It just got more awkward in here!"

The group laughs, the bitch's comment blows over, my fellow continues his courting of this lovely lass resembling a loli.

A small note: If you are a wingman, there is always a good chance you will have to fall on the grenade and fuck a fat/ugly/crazy chick to help out your mate.

Miscellaneous From a woman's perspective. Protip: you're not a "nice guy", you're just a pussy who pretends to be friends with a girl while secretly wanting to fuck her and expecting her to read your mind and know that you want to be something more than friends. Girls do not reject "nice guys" in favor of "assholes", they reject guys who misrepresent their feelings in favor of confident & honest guys. From a man's perspective. Women run on emotion. Don't bother trying to be a nice guy, that's not what they want. They want someone who will inspire emotion in them, it does not even matter what kind as long as its strays from pity and that end of the spectrum. So piss them off, accuse them of things they never did, confuse them with private thoughts that they have no insight towards, make them laugh if you feel like it. The emotions are the key, that is what makes them want to "get to know you" keep the woman emotional through this process and she will begin to desire you. Be careful of how early this starts, if you don't let their emotions overwhelm them then they begin to worry about what others will think and will leave. You have to give them enough different feelings to where you are all they "need". If you ever give them the feeling that you are feeding off their emotions then they will leave you for someone else. All women are succubii.

For The Female Anonymous, Who Exist, Despite All Claims Being Anonymous, One Of The Following Is Likely True   

An interest in Anime/Manga, or Video Games ranging from a passing curiosity to borderline insane Wapanese. Overweight Nerd/Geek/Bookworm

Take note that it is quite possible for all three to apply to the same person at the same time. 

Of course don't shit brix if you're somehow that fucking lucky.

Romance And Things Associated The life of dating and romance is far easier for you, even with all three of the above, than it is for any male that has happened to stop by /b/ once. I left the first line alone, because it is in fact true- If your goal is sex, and that is all you want, you stand a good chance of getting it. But be honest with yourself: If you aren't the best catch yourself, don't be disappointed when the football player turns you down. Some guys can afford to be picky; most Anonymii can't. There are plenty of males, many of whom are residents of /b/, who would be hard pressed to turn down a chance at sex, regardless of your appearances. With sex on the line, you will not hear a mentioning of harpoons. If You, Female Anon, Are Looking For A Relationship Your problem is not as much talking to the male form, but finding a decent guy. It seems that the more 'popular' a guy is, the more likely he is to be arrogant and uncaring. Sweet and romantic? Less likely to be physically outstanding. Don't let this discourage you. You need to take a good look at what your strengths are, if indeed you have any, and play to them. Some of you may have had bad experiences with men in the past. This cannot be laid entirely at the feet of the men alone. If you chose to stick by a guy even though he was a jerk, you're a fucking idiot and deserved what you got. Don't be stupid, female Anon. If this indeed is your story, this is most likely because you don't know what motivates men. Men have a very small collection of basic needs. Food, Sleep, Sex, Glory, and whatever their hobby is (unless that's also sex). That's all. Men don't usually think about things that don't relate to these. Men do care somewhat about emotions, but not nearly to the same degree as women, and if they're open

enough to talk about them to you, then you most likely already have a good relationship going. Nearly all men desire to be the alpha dog. That is, they want other men to respect them and hold them in awe. Sex and hobbies (and, in some cases, food) are often what they use to chase this goal. First, The Physical 

For All Body Types

Just like the guys, proper grooming is a must. A recent haircut, trimmed nails, *A LITTLE* makeup. Don't pancake the shit on, lest you end up looking like some of the horrid abortions only found in /cgl/. You're a woman, so for Raptor Jesus' sake, have some pride in what he gave you. Accentuate your features with makeup, clothing, and hairstyles, don't try to radically alter it.

Exercise never hurt anyone in moderation, and is good for every type of body. For the smaller Anon, it will help with muscle tone and definition, and with the larger Anon, it will increase muscle while decreasing other unwanted types of tissue. Dance Dance Revolution seems to be an increasingly popular form of "exercise" among the types of women described above. Keep in mind that while it does give you a good cardiovascular workout, it's not likely to build much muscle tissue: it's good for losing weight, not gaining it (and in some cases, you'll want to work out to avoid becoming too underweight). While it is not something that can be given, it is worth noting that self-confidence is the difference between a female wearing clothes, and a female making the clothes she wears look good. You can take a female with sexy clothing, and if she doesn't have self confidence, it will not look good. You can take a female with self confidence, and the things she wears will look good. Always. You don't have to dress like a whore either. While a low-cut shirt is nice, something less revealing may in fact be more appropriate, even attractive to certain male Anons. Believe in yourself, because if you don't, who will? 

Larger Body Types

Wear clothes that accentuate your best features. Some tips from the guys section can apply to you too.. Wear a skintight shirt, and then a larger shirt over it to 'absorb' a bit of movement and/or size.

Dark, solid colors are often said to have a slimming effect, though you want to avoid stripes, especially horizontal, with a passion. 

Smaller Body Types

Sexiness, contrary to popular belief, is not defined by breast size. Tall or short, a close-fitting dress shows the curves you do have better. It doesn't have to be low cut, or revealing in the least.

Mental Aspects Of Dating, For Female Anons Ah, the mental aspects of a woman. To many male Anon, it seems to be filled with confusion, to others, nothing. If you have any male friends who have not explicitly told you they're in a relationship with someone else, ask one of 'em the fuck out. Because if you're the kind of female who reads Wikichan for relationship advice, the guys you know are probably too shy to ask you out even if they want to. Also, guys in general have much lower standards than girls. As long as a girl is pretty, smart and kind, a guy will usually take a liking to her. It is up to you, female Anon, to decide what to build on that... ..More To Come.. On Exercise And Working Out, Extending Into Dieting Exercise is medically proven to give positive health effects, including the release of chemicals like endorphins which improve your mood, attitude, and outlook on life. In other words, exercise will help your self-esteem by improving your mental opinion of yourself. Also, exercise will help your figure, helping your appearance. This actually applies to all Anon, regardless of figure or male/female. Now, for dieting.. A change in a diet, leading to all food groups being represented in smaller amounts, is far superior to any quick weight loss plan you read in a magazine or online. Why? Most diets have this major flawThe weight that is lost is actually water weight, and as soon as the diet is stopped, the weight returns. Even worse, while dieting you usually have an electrolyte imbalance because of all of the lost water, leading you to become irritable and have trouble sleeping and concentrating. This is true to all diets, and happens to both men and women Anon, and even tripfags sometimes. The *best* system, if your current eating habits are fine, is to reduce portions while still maintaining all food groups, and exercise. If you are intent on losing weight and keeping it off, you must have exercise in your diet plan. Anything else is a quick fix, and the weight will come back. Don't quit exercising after less than a month with no results; it's something that you have to stick to and work into a regular routine in order for it to be effective. Now, research is still being done, but it is suggesting that a person's weight is decided more by genetics than anything else, giving a valid reason for why larger people's bodies revert to being

large, and skinny Anons that gain weight promptly lose it. Remember that Anonymous wants to fuck Kiera Knightley and Scarlett Johansen. To many Anon, the best weight is not just fat or skinny, but that which matches the natural structure. Samoan girls shouldn't be super skinny, and Polish chicks shouldn't be fatties. However, all Russian chicks should be hot. It's actually part of the Russian constitution. Dating A Male /b/tard First off, a lot of us are just regular, easy-going guys who happen to browse the myriad of -Chans and have a delightful sense of what's funny, right and wrong. However, about 45% of us are totally batshit loons who you wouldn't touch in a billion years (well, unless you're into that kind of thing) Advice: Depending on what you're looking for in a guy (sex, serious relationship, friendship etc.) you'll have to MAKE IT VERY CLEAR TO THEM. Srsly. Ask for pics, talk about mundane things. His responses WILL give you a rather proper image of his personality, unless you're "just" an airhead. If you're both into meme-ing up your environs, keep it simple at first. Don't go overboard, remember that you're dating a /b/tard. While you might find taping up a "POOL'S CLOSED" sign in front of the local pool is chuckle-worthy, he'll possibly think burning the image of a loli getting torn apart by 12-inch cocks into the retinas of the whole goddamn city is a pretty funny thing. It would be a good idea to find this out BEFORE meeting him for coffee.

Dating Well, you finally got your gonads and act together and asked the one you fancy for a date. Obviously you don't know what a date is made of, do you, you little Cheeto's-fingered, smelly KFC addict. Well let us try to cover some of the basics, because we care enough about you not to want to see you slashing your wrists halfway through the day.

What is a date? Understanding what a date is for will be critical to being able to navigate one successfully. As a general outline, let's say that a date has three main goals. The first is to present yourself in a favorable light. You always want to do this, even if you don't end up liking your date, since he or she might know and talk to the next person you take out. Your second goal is to judge whether or not you like the person you're on the date with. You can do this through screening with questions or simple observations. The third goal comes into play after the first two have been met. If you like the person, and he or she likes you, then your final goal is to get to know that person better in order to secure a future meeting. Keeping these goals in mind or setting different goals for yourself and keeping those in mind will make "success" more likely. After all, how can one have success without knowing what it is?

Getting your date to like you is pretty easy. He or she probably already likes you if you're on a date together. You can enhance this by living an attractive lifestyle and showing that through your actions and mannerisms. For example, being well groomed is critical. Your house should be

reasonably clean. Using the excuse that you don't plan on bringing your date home doesn't get you out of this one. If you are a geeky guy, as you probably are if you're reading this, make sure that your place has a good balance of geeky and non-geeky decor. Don't try to completely hide your geeky side, since your date probably already knows about it and appreciates it. Being polite and having confident body language are things you can do to show that you are used to dealing with people. When you're sitting or standing, lean back and keep your shoulders relaxed. Keep eye contact with people you're talking to, especially your date. If you're a woman, go easy on the eye contact unless you really like the guy. For a woman, prolonged eye contact with a man is often a signal that you are attracted to him. Screening is great because it does two things. First, it does what one could intuitively expect. It makes sure that the person being screened is someone you'd actually want to be with. The second thing it does is it shows that you are not needy. By having expectations about how a romantic partner should live and act, you show that you are willing to pass on a relationship with someone who isn't compatible with you. Desperate people take what they can get. To the women, because I might find myself on a date with you some day, I am going to say this very clearly: ALWAYS SCREEN AND DON'T BE NEEDY. BEING NEEDY IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. SCREENING IS ATTRACTIVE. I WANT YOU TO SCREEN ME. I CAN PASS IT. My favorite way to screen is through humor. Make jokes about common crazy behaviors, such as people who talk about wanting to have kids with someone on their first date, and then gauge your date's responses. If you aren't sure of your ability to do this well, skip it and do something more direct so you don't run the risk of your date misinterpreting and thinking you are crazy. Good questions are "So what do you think about people who ___?" or "Back in school, I knew this person who would always ___. I've never understood what would motivate someone to do that. What do you think?" Happy, shiny first date endorphin highs are great, but they wear off. If you want a second date or a continuance of the first, you're going to have to get the other person comfortable with you, and you're going to have to get comfortable around that person. The best ways to do this are through actually having conversations and through touch. Conversations should cover a wide variety of topics and should be somewhat personal. Good examples of this are talking about some neutral subject and then mentioning a story from your life that relates to it. Of course, your story should show something positive about you or, at the very least, avoid showing anything negative about you. Questions are fine but should be used to get information, rather than just to keep the other person talking. Have a couple of stories or jokes in the back of your head in case the conversation starts to peter out. Never be rude to anyone you encounter while on a date. If your date is rude to people, find a way to end it quickly, even if he or she is being nice to you. Physical touch is much more powerful than talking. It's the difference between a date and two friends getting together. There is a natural progression from "friendly" touch to "romantic" touch. Start out with friendly touch, such as high fives, hugs, linking up arms and skipping, and silly hand shakes. Get your date comfortable with physical contact by starting as soon as you can. As soon as you meet, shake hands. At the first opportunity, find an excuse to high-five your date. These sorts of things should be done every time just in case you really hit it off and decide to get more physical. Don't move onto any romantic touch unless you're sure you like your date. Romantic touch is things like holding hands, sitting with your arm around your date or your

date's arm around you, and kissing. Basically, in a successful date, you will get physical contact happening as early as you possibly can. That doesn't mean kissing in the first five minutes. It just means to high five, hug, arm touch, and play with each other's hands. If you wait for too long before starting this, it feels really awkward and weird. Ideally, you want to string several ideas together into a "date chain." The idea is that it's easier to establish a personal connection with someone by having many different experiences with him or her, even if they are compressed into a relatively small time frame. Have a vague plan in mind from the beginning to avoid "So, what do we do now?" from happening. You can always change the date chain up as the date goes on. Your goals don't have to line up with the above outline exactly. As long as you have a clear idea of what they are and how to achieve them, you will be doing better than anyone who hadn't thought about such things.

Places to go Playgrounds The playground is a great place to bring a date. The location lends its self well to the playful atmosphere that a date should have. Pushing each other on the swings is a good way to make a physical connection without it being weird or creepy. If you know of multiple playgrounds in the area, you can walk to each one together on one date. This allows for the date to go fairly long without getting boring, provided that you're not a boring couple. The walks between parks allow for good conversation, while the physical activities at the parks punctuate the date with some excitement. Swing sets are still as fun as you remember them being when you were a kid. This might not be a great night date, as nothing sounds more like date rape than "3 AM park meetup." Going to the beach If weather and location permit, take a date to the beach. "Long walks on the beach" may be a stupid phrase but the reality is that a long walk on the beach means one on one time for conversation without a boring, static backdrop or an obligation to spend money. If you're both geeks, which I would imagine is a pretty common scenario for WCA people, you can easily talk about subjects such as geology, marine biology, and astronomy because there are real life examples of all of those things in the immediate area. The long walk on the beach should not be overlooked just because it's a cliche. Free local events Your city probably has a publication that lists free events in your local area. Familiarize yourself with such a publication, and you can find a lot to do. Some of them are good dates, and some are not.

Walking Walks together are generally not dates by themselves. They can, however, be used to link multiple dates together into a chain. Walking with your date is a great time to hold hands. If you aren't comfortable holding hands yet, you can link arms. Tea/Coffee in a cafe The standard "coffee date" has been time-tested and, as of 2009, is the most popular first date. [citation] Your goal during this date is to find out if the person you're with is someone you want to see again. If it is possible, sit next to your date, rather than across the table. If you sit across the table the whole time, it could be an hour or so before the two of you make any physical contact. By then, it becomes a lot harder to initiate physical affection. Museums Museum dates are essentially the same as any "walking date." You can draw upon your surroundings to generate conversation if you see something you want to talk about. Link your arms together within the first few minutes. By the end, you should be holding hands if everything goes well. Walking is great for stuff like this, because it naturally makes any physical interaction more playful. You can even enhance this playfulness by skipping when your arms are linked. Museums are a classic date, and can be linked into a chain of dates very easily.

Places to avoid Clubs, bars, or other "hookup locations" Why would you ever do this? Restaurants Restaurants do not make good first dates because they are too large an investment. I could only imagine eating at a restaurant on a first date as the result of a few hours of date chaining being done beforehand. Better alternatives are getting food to go, bringing a picnic, or picking out food at a store and cooking together. Avoid fast food. Movie Theaters Going to the movies on a first date is basically like saying "I would rather spend two hours watching a movie than talking to you." You can get away with it if you have a fair amount of date beforehand to get to know the person, but movie watching is basically just time filler. You might progress physically a little bit, but even that is much less than would happen doing something else. Additionally, you might start talking to the person after the movie and realize that you've been holding hands and playing with the hair of a complete doofus the whole time.

Sporting events, tech shows, lectures, or similar events, with the exception of known shared interests The best way to share your interests and hobbies with your date is to talk about them passionately and enthusiastically. Making the date about you and your interests will kill it. Remember that the activities on a date are just a pretext to get to know the person you're on a date with.

Tips for clueless guys: How to get physical contact going All this "he or she" stuff aside, I know who 95% of my audience is.

Physical contact is critical to the success of a date. It's the way to avoid being friend zoned when you first meet a woman, too. As the man, you are responsible for making this happen. As a clueless man, you are wondering what "this" is, exactly. Here it is, from that first hand shake to a little past the first kiss: Friendly touch       

Hand shake High five Shoulder touch Play dancing or other silly games Secret handshakes Hugs Linking arms

Romantic touch        

Holding hands Arm around the shoulder when sitting Long periods of eye contact Hair stroking Brief face touching Kissing Hair smelling Prolonged face touching

The above is basically an outline of the different kinds of touch you can initiate on a date, broken into two categories. There is a third category, which is "sexual touch," but that's outside the scope of this page. Knowing that "romantic touch" is not the same as "sexual touch" is enough for now. Friendly touch is the kind of touch that friends do. You could do these things with a platonic female friend without it seeming weird. Most of them, you could do with a guy friend, too, but in most cultures, there

is still a homophobic stigma about casual physical contact between guys. Romantic touch is not so ambiguous. They are things that are clearly of a romantic nature. By that time, your intent is clear.

When you first meet your date, shake hands. High five as soon as you can. Get her used to touching you and being touched by you. The best way to get physical contact going is to play "games" that involve physical contact. It can be something as simple as looking at your watch and saying "It's 2:45. It's time to dance." and then briefly dancing with her. Any time she's laughing is an opportunity. Just try taking her hands in yours while you're both laughing. Let go after a couple seconds. After that initial awkward stage where you're both a little unsure or uncomfortable, you don't really need a pretext like that. You might not need one in the beginning either. Don't think of the above list as all-inclusive or a series of steps. It's just some examples in roughly ascending order of intimacy. She should be very comfortable with friendly touch before you move on to romantic touch. You should also be sure that you are romantically interested in her. The way to start is to play some sort of silly game that involves holding hands. Only hold her hand for a few seconds at first, and then let go, as though you were distracted or something. You don't want to come off as desperate for human contact. It should still kind of be a situation where you can "take it or leave it." You can even move along to more intimate romantic touch just by doing it while talking about something completely unrelated. Long periods of eye contact, while not direct touch, work sort of the same way. They are also great for checking to see if she's still into what's going on. There is a very good chance that she will reject one or more of your advances. She may do this simply to make sure that you can handle it well. The best thing to do is to be perfectly casual about it. If you're talking while you're doing it, and she stops you, just stop but keep talking like nothing is happening. If you're watching TV or something together, laugh at something on the TV right after if something funny happens. You want to seem like you're still happy. If she says something like "I don't kiss on the first date," talk about how happy you are to hear her call it a "first date" and how you look forward to the next one. While this is going on, pull away a little bit further than she pushes you away. For example, if you have your arm around her and you try to stroke her hair but she stops you, take your arm away. Don't act hurt or anything, just act like you don't even notice you're doing it. Keep smiling and having a good time. Don't move too quickly here. You're not just going through levels in a video game. You're connecting to another human being. Although you want to have some idea of what you're doing, you should have your primary focus be on comfort. Comfort in this context means how comfortable she is with you and how comfortable you are with her. You should not do anything you aren't comfortable with or she will pick up on it and get uncomfortable. If you're not comfortable kissing on the first date, then don't. If you're not comfortable doing something on the list above for whatever reason, then don't do it. The list is just things I came up with off the top of my head in five minutes.

Tips for clueless guys: How to know when to kiss her Here it is:

Prerequisites:   

 

Have her comfortable holding hands with you and sitting with your arm around her. Be sure you actually like her and want to see her again. Make sure she likes you by trying to hold eye contact with her without talking several times throughout the date. She should engage in this eye contact readily. Smile when you do this so it's not creepy. You should be alone together for the first kiss in most instances. Partially secluded locations are fine, as long as there aren't people actively watching. There are also plenty of exceptions to these guidelines. This is easiest to do sitting down on a couch next to each other. Get to this position first if you can. If not, don't stress it. The kiss must absolutely not be at the end of the date. I'd say it's best to do it in the first half of the first date.

Make eye contact while talking. Stop talking and hold the eye contact for about four or five seconds. Smile while you do this, If she holds it without trying to talk or looking away, she probably wants to kiss you. Touch her face with a hand that isn't already around her shoulders. Use the backs of your fingers to lightly brush her cheek. If she is not receptive to this, she isn't going to kiss you. If she is, move in about 70% of the way. She should move the other 30%. If not, you might want to wait a few minutes and then try again. The actual kiss should last at least two seconds and shouldn't involve tongue at first. The purpose of the kiss is "romantic," rather than "sexual." You're making a bold statement that you like her. That's what it is, plain and simple. She is making a bold statement that she likes you by participating. It's sweet, romantic, and comfortable. You guys shouldn't be getting aroused at this point. There's plenty of time for that later on down the line. If the kiss goes on for a while, as they sometimes do, and you want to start giving hints of tongue, do so very sparingly. Think of it like pepper. It enhances the flavor, but too much will overpower the meal. Also, don't use tongue or allow the kiss to last longer than about three seconds if you're in public. Doing so is just tacky and is not well cultured.

What to Wear For guys, the basic date "uniform" is blazer, jeans, and a nice shirt. This is great for most non-athletic, clean dates. Nice shirt means a fitted t-shirt, a nice polo, or a buttondown, open collar, untucked with no tie. If you're completely clueless, stick to this basic outline. If you know what you're doing, do what you want. Don't dress like a slob. Women screen you for this stuff. You can do everything right but if you have on a faded t-shirt and cargo shorts, you can still fail to get a second date. Make sure you are well groomed. Shave the back of your neck. Trim your fingernails. Shower the day of your date. Brush your teeth thoroughly. Wear deodorant or some equivalent. The easiest ones to miss are the back of your neck and your nails. Women don't miss them so easily, so don't forget.

Dear women,

Please class it up a bit if you are going on a date with me. I don't expect you to be wearing an evening gown and your family heirloom diamond earrings, but put some effort into it, ok? At the very least, it should be apparent that you knew you were going on a date. Don't wear heels. There are too many things you can't do in heels. I understand that it's impossible to find nice looking flats, and I won't hold it against you if your shoes aren't perfect. I'd rather have a good time running around and climbing on stuff with a woman in ugly shoes than stand next to a woman in heels, watching everyone else have fun. All that stuff about finger nails and deodorant applies to you, too, by the way.

Things to Talk about Talk about these things:    

Hobbies and interests - If you are a man avoid trying to "show off" by being overly technical. If you are a woman, show off by being overly technical. Jokes - Tell jokes. Make them a little bit sassy. Use humor about dating to show that you are familiar with going on dates. Friends - Talk about things you do with friends. If you are on a date, you may need to do this just to show that you have friends. Anything good about yourself - Showing strength through a story takes some care so that you don't seem like you're bragging. The best way to do it is to make whatever you're trying to say about yourself a small piece of a larger, more significant story.

Do not talk about these things:   

Name dropping - It's like saying "Here's the name of someone who I think is astronomically more important than me." Bragging - Don't brag. Don't compliment yourself. If you want to say something nice about yourself, show it through your actions or hint at it as part of a story from your life. Politics, religion, or exes - Really, there are exceptions to all of these. I cover exes below. I usually like to make a point to talk about all three in some insignificant capacity and then make a joke about having done so. Complaints - Don't complain about things on a date. There are exceptions, but as a general rule, you need to have a positive attitude while on a date.

Mentioning an ex is, in my opinion, a good idea on a date. After all, mentioning an ex is your way of showing that you have been in a relationship before. Now, should you choose to do this, only do it once during the entire date. If your date asks for any further details, give fairly vague answers and smile while doing so. If you're pressed, simply say that talking about exes on a first date is "against the rules." Here is an example of a good way to mention an ex: "I love this underwater basket weaving exhibit. You know, I used to date someone who was into underwater basket weaving." Saying "I used to date someone who" can mean just about anything, and that's the beauty of it. This can be someone you went for coffee with a few times or someone you lived with for six years. Mentioning the person casually

shows your date that you are not super attached and that you are not super resentful. You don't want to say anything specifically positive about your ex, since doing so could hint that you are still interested in him or her. You don't want to say anything negative about an ex ever on a first date. If you do, it says to your date "I'm going to complain about you to people I date in the future." It also suggests that you are either still hung up on your ex or that the breakup was bad. Mentioning an ex is a great way to show that you have experience being in a relationship. Do so with care and tact. Do so only once during the date. Make it as neutral and casual as you can.

On the Subject of Trying Too Hard There is a fine line you must walk as someone who dates. How do you try to make the date go well without it looking like you tried as hard as you did? The trick is in what you try hard on and what you just let happen. You should not overdress. You should not have all of the logistical details of the date planned out. You should not have all your trophies and awards on display at your house. At the same time, you can work as hard as you want on cleaning your house, grooming, and practicing good body language. I think that the rule of thumb is that if it's something that will only be for the one date, it's not good to try hard. If it's something that applies to all of your dates, then you can put in a lot of effort without looking like you try too hard. Take advantage of this by putting your effort into your overall lifestyle, rather than investing too much into one date. Clean your house up, especially your bathroom. Get some candles, and get some decent music. Just imagine how much better it would be if you saw her walking into your bathroom and thought "Good, she'll see how nice it is" instead of "I hope she doesn't notice how gross it is." Work out. Learn a lot of interesting things. Put your effort into becoming a better person. If you try really hard at that, the rest of the things you aren't allowed to try hard on won't hinder you.

Getting a Second Date Mention some activity you're going to be doing later in the week. Do this early on in the date, but don't invite him or her when you do it because the date might not go well. Just mention that you are going. Later on in the date, if things are going well, bring it up again and invite your date along. Do this during the date, not at the end. The only logistical setback is that you want to have something that you're going to be doing later in the week. Fortunately, it can be just about anything; "I'm going to be visiting blah blah art museum." "I'm going to the park." You can even do it without having any real plans by saying something like "I may be going to the park on Thursday." If he or she is coming along, it's because he or she wants to be with you, not because of the activity, unless the activity is a free money giveaway with cake at the end. If it is, invite me along, too.

The alternative is that you can just call or IM to invite him or her out on another date. If you put in the effort of reading through all this, you probably kicked ass on your date and should have no problem luring your new partner in crime out again.

Ending Your Date This section will be brief. The end of your date should be brief. Assuming it went well, you can end with a kiss good night (or good morning) and be on your way. Do not wait until the end for the first kiss, and do not wait until the end to make future plans. You should have everything taken care of during the middle of the date. Leave no loose ends to tie up at the last second. Ending a date that's going poorly is another beast entirely. The most obvious end to a bad date is to simply suffer through the logical end (the end of dinner, the end of the movie, that sort of thing) and leave. This is probably the nicest way to do it- you can very easily suffer through the date and avoid embarrassing the person, and in very sticky situations, avoid making a scene.

Conversation If your intention is to stick it up the pooper more than once with any particular girl, conversation can be of the utmost importance. You're going to have to, at regular intervals be able to say what's needed. Conversation also helps you get a general feel for that insane maze that is a woman's brain. Interpreting her words correctly can also give you warnings ahead of schedule on when to GTFO.

Conventional conversation As in just for talking, no hitting on the other person. See the Style section of this article, as well as the overall Culture section.

For guys Style Often what you say is way less important than how you say it. As mentioned in other chapters, you have to be sure of what you say. You never doubt your own words, and always doubt hers. "I guess it could be..." better refer to something she said, and it better be followed by a "but it's much more likely that..." showing that you know what the fuck you're talking about, and she's just guessing. Very important, when following this, is to make sure you don't land in the middle of a discussion on DNA and she's a Biology major. Politics are always a good topic where you can't lose. Generally women don't know shit about it, and you can defend any position, while getting to use expensive words.

Of course, what all of this does mean, is that you DO actually need to know shit about shit. She will not be impressed that you know what number Pikachu has in each separate Pokédex! (no she does not "liek Mudkipz", either.) If you're not very knowledgeable, read a newspaper before you talk to her, or make sure your conversations are short. Tell them you have some important research to do for work/school/personal, and just set up a date for the next time you want to stick it in her pooper. A few prime examples are the average did you know shit, ya know. These can range from copypasta from the news or simply some blatant bullshit. I have found one very interesting piece is that in some universities professors think that the fraction system should be abolished or learnt after calculus. After the pushing of the shit-bait (that last statment was true)she should have a vibrant response. Such as: OMG REALLY?!? Then, you can spout off some bullshit baiting another response, ever so slightly working your way into normal conversation. Hell I have found this last piece better than "How's the weather?". Anon may have to get their fingers wet on this one though. Listening As much as possible - avoid. Repeat exposure can lead to numbing of the head, a common cure for which is repeated force to aforementioned area. However, such 'cures' often lead to head trauma, and if said female's head is used as brunt of force, trauma to both parties is possible. A pair of earplugs these days is not that expensive, and when considering the hospital bills, money spent on gas to drive down to the local cemetery and shovel-fees, it is a relatively inexpensive item to purchase. Caution must be taken however: if she becomes aware of your plan, you must make use of the nearest possible escape route. Failing that, defenestration of her, the dog or any object will be adequate distraction, and at the very least, a change of topic in the conversation." Don't be this asshole up here, he has no idea what the hell he's talking about. Listening and pretending you give a shit about what she's saying is VERY important in conversations. Never talk more than your company. Listen to what they have to say and add on to it, but be brief, talking too long will lead other to believe you talk way to much (even if they just had a 10 minute rant about how pretty their new top is). DO NOT:      


Talk longer then your partner. Talk down to your partner. Make your partner feel stupid. Bring up the three TABOO of conversation (Religion, Politics, and Income) unless they bring it up first. Be overly insulting. Shift your eyes constantly.

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Maintain eye contact as much as possible. Answer their questions Nod when appropriate Have an opinion (whether it be a real opinion or a faked one) on the subject matter. Compliment them when they bring up their clothes (they inevitably will, just make sure they're talking about what they are currently wearing).


Girl: Oh and then I bought this totally adorable shirt! Anon: It looks great on you. Girl: Thanks!   

Pretend you give a shit. ????? PROFIT - Too ED for you anon?

Follow these basic rules, and it will look like you actually care. Sidenote, don't leave your mouth open while listening, you just look dumb.

Topics Topics to avoid 

4chan: womenz don't know about interbuttz

Small note: Due to the recent widening reach of internet culture, some have thought it would help geeks get around by writing this paragraph(which to me seems overly naive and ridiculous(ly planned)): There is a slim, but still existant chance that the girl you are talking too is also an anon. Putting aside the "No girls in the internets" bullshit, you can try with this: For example, you are in the beach talking. Start drawing stuff at random and when she catches attention, draw "/b/" or some easy-to-write meme on the sand. Now, it can go like this: 1. She won't say anything. You can repeat the action or stuff it. 2. Ask, "What's that?". If she asks with the "asking" tone, then stuff it. If she has this Gendo Ikari look on her face, just say the name of the meme at a common tone: "Oh, over nine thousand. Nothing important". If she doesn't react, stuff it. 3. She will react and ask you "I herd you liek mudkipz" or some similar shit. Score. I myself had the lucky chance of having an anon girlfriend. I wrote "Seaking" randomly on a paper, and she replied "Fuck yeah". Trying to hit on an anon chick is usually easier because all the shit you have in common, and it's generally nice. You can do this anon-check somewhere, but don't overreact to it.

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Computer games: even if she is an elusive gamer girl, the way to a woman's heart is NOT through the joystick. Unless it vibrates strongly, of course. Other women: If you don't get this, you are dense. Actually, this may be an acceptable topic, because if you talk to a woman about other women, she won't feel special, and it may draw the attention whore in her, and may even go to great length to prove her superiority. Because you are a nice guy you won't talk about it, but in fact, you may have to. Sport crap: have you even seen one woman who cared about how your football team is doing? Anything you don't know jack shit about, that you can't fake: And you better be good at faking a lot. Acceptable topics

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Politics: Just say something positive about vegans. Most will latch onto that like a lion latches onto to a clumsy gazelle. Can be a dangerous topic in certain situations. Food: This and the above could work good together. Read some PETA shit. You'll have plenty to say. Culture: THIS IS PROBABLY THE ONLY TOPIC SHE'LL KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT. Movies, music, or even theater. Start slightly obscure. If she knows what you're talking about, good, continue down that road, if she has NO IDEA what the fuck you're saying go for safe and stick to Hollywood movies and top 40 music, or abandon altogether. Philosophy: This should be in the topics to avoid unless you want to bore her with your eccentricities. However, if you fake this well, you'll be on the fast track to brown-eye city. Just google some quotes from some famous romantic artists and sprinkle the moderate, non-creepy ones on the conversation in appropriate spots. It'll make you look like you're actually worth a commitment.

Usage Conversation is not for every situation. Conversation (as discussed here) is NOT FOR PICKING UP CHICKS. It is for getting through a period involving repeated sexings, without them getting bored. It is to be applied with great caution and only when necessary. Some situations that warrant conversation:   

She calls you: You can't have sex with her right now, or vice versa, but she wants to talk, and you want to be able to fuck her next week You call her: You want to fuck her, and want to schedule it. You do NOT schedule a fuck, you schedule a meet. But first you converse to prove you're interesting enough. You're out to dinner: Sometimes choosing food as a topic can lead to a date. This is GOOD. but you need dinner conversation.

Situations that absolutely do NOT warrant conversation:   

While sticking it in the pooper At the discotheque, when talking to intoxicated women While enjoying some music together

For Girls . Style Remember not to talk too much. Talking too much isn't just annoying to guys, it's annoying to everyone. So shut the fuck up for a second. Remember that he probably doesn't liek mudkips. And he probably doesn't care about how cute your best friend's shoes are. Pretend you know everything, because it's cute. And if he's sexist like most guys, he will LOL and proceed to stick his tongue down your throat. :3 Listening Listen to everything he says. Boys don't listen to anything, so you'll look smart if you actually know what he's saying instead of thinking about Jessica Simpson's hair extensions or stupid girly shit like that. By the way, though this applies to both sexes, don't leave your mouth open while listening. Topics Topics to avoid 

Your brushing, nails, shopping sessions, depilation, etc.: nothing better than that to bore a guy to death, if you've got some luck he'll be nice and fake listening to you, but as a matter of fact, guys don't give a fuck about those. Other men: same as the other way around, men hate when they're not the center of all your attention, but it may lead to them wanting you even moar for you to talk about others.

Acceptable topics'Sports, games, computers, sciences: if you want to talk about those, fine, but guys will jump onto the occasion and won't stop talking afterwards.

Seduction Seduction is the art of enticing to do something- be they willing or not. Seduction typically is done in the realm of sex and sexuality, where both women and men aim to seduce the opposite sex into relationships, sex, or other activities. For example, seduction can get an unmarried girl into bed on the promise of marriage (this is/was actually illegal in English common law)- or even just getting a number. Quote: "There is a thin line between rape and seduction." Seduction is notably hard for men now. Women are now accustomed to the average pickup lines, and generally (unless drunk off their ass) shield themselves from what they perceive to even be close to seduction. Thus, it is the goal of the Well Cultured Anonymous to find ways to seduce and entice women without being blatant. That, for all intents and purposes in this article, is the true art of seduction.

What is seduction? As mentioned above, seduction is the act of convincing people to do things, namely date you or fuck you. This is nothing new- seduction has been around since men have had penises and women have had somewhere to stick them. Because of that, it is important that you not only know HOW to seduce- but you also understand what exactly you are doing in the process. Historical figures If you thought your grandparents were clean and didn't stick it in until marriage, you're a fucking retard. Despite what ultraconservatives will say on television, the past was virtually built on the art of seduction and sex. A lot of English Monarchical history was built on the relationships between varying countries- all tied along with who fucked who. It was like Hollywood, except if someone got drunk and flipped off the camera, you had a war. Of course, there have been key figures in history who have been masters of seduction. Be they simply legendary in their ability to have sex with women or just famous for being womanizers (or man-izers), some of the most famous people in history were equally famous for sticking it in (or having it stuck in). 

Cleopatra VII

This is the Egyptian woman who fucked Julius Caesar, dated Mark Anthony and convinced him to go berserker on Gaius Julius Caesar Octavian (Technically named Augustus, Julius Caesar's great-nephew) and fight for the Roman throne, then killed herself when Octavian got pissy and decided to have both her and Mark Anthony's head. It is generally speculated that she had indirect control of both the Roman Empire under Caesar and the Roman armies under Mark Anthony, and seduced both into doing things detrimental to the empire. Of course, she did eventually learn that Octavius wasn't one to fuck with, but she nonetheless is considered a famous seducer of two powerful men. 

Don Juan

While completely fictional, the story of Don Juan has been around in Spain since around 1620. In the "first" rendition of it, El burlador de Sevilla y convidado de piedra, Don Juan was a womanizer who slept with women on the promise of marriage or disguising himself as their lover. Oh yeah, and in some stories, he raped a noble and killed her father. Totally /b/. 

Giacomo Casanova

This is the granddaddy of seduction as it is today. Giacomo Casanova, known to most as just Casanova, was famous for pulling the Don Juan of promising women to marry them- and then banging the living shit out of them. He was so good at this shit that he was even able to write a book about it (Histoire de ma vie), and STILL continue tricking women. While it is unknown to the extent that he was able to continue this path (though it is noted that he was famous for chronicling his life by what venereal

diseases he contracted because of his sex life), but it is cool to note that in his book, he was able to name at least 121 women BY NAME who he got into bed with him. His efforts have generally been the inspiration for a lot of men, and has been in many sex filled movies. Of course, a lot of these movies have been very shitty, including one particular film featuring one particular faggot that no-one cares about.

The mind at the root Behavior is the key factor in seduction. When men or women interact with one another, they send signals- from physical signals to mental signals. Everything counts in seduction- you must sweep the woman off her feet, but also make sure you have the muscle to carry her where you want. The whole concept is to indirectly (or sometimes directly) lead a woman (or a man, yeah yeah) to do something that you want her to do. When you seduce, you need to aim for control over the woman's mental state. When you control a woman's physical state, it's really nothing but rape- you are not making her willingly follow you. Much like The Pied Piper of Hamelin, your goal is to entrance your targets into willing obedience- not force them down and rape them as they cry. Some of the most masculine men in the world have mastered this ability, and you should too. When you're reading these tips and tricks, then, you need to think of two things: 1. How will this affect her (being your target)'s mental state? 2. How can this get her toward my goal? When you think of these things, then, try to avoid things that would fuck it up. In the middle of a passionate kiss, scratching your ass is something that will fuck it up. Ordering three Coronas and sucking crumbs off the floor as you drunkenly lay on it is not the way to make a woman want you. The way to make women want you is to be classy and cool- and control all things.

And trust me, women want to be controlled. Not in the "please bend me over and fuck me like a caveman" way, but they like to have a man tell them how things are going to go. Just like in our Girls section of The Well Cultured Anonymous, women prefer you telling them where you are going to eat rather than going "Well, you decide, I want you to feel comfortable". It's good to be accommodating of her- it's bad to be a pansy. Pansies get shoved on the "Friend" ladder, which means you'll spend more time at home masturbating than you ever will making out with her. And that's bad, if you didn't figure that out yet.

Key things that turn women on  

Adventure- Being adventurous. That's why it's best, even on dating sites, to take pictures of yourself doing high adventure shit- even hiking or biking or something. Exclusivity- Women tend to like guys who are hard to get, or at least play that guy. That's why women fantasize about marrying princes. Make yourself exclusive, and the desire grows.

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Humor- Most chicks like to laugh. Being unfunny or overly stupid makes them feel bored. Be real and be cool, just don't try to be a Jim Carrey ripoff. Money- Yes, I'm serious- women tend to like guys who have money. Part of it is because of the goodies that come with it- but much like the "Safety" point below, they also find it reassuring that you aren't poor and you could support them. Like you would. Mystery- Being mysterious is a big plus, as evidenced by the majority of Yaoi shit on the internet nowadays. Play this with being standoffish (see "Exclusivity")- leave some things unsaid. Romance- The sheer chemistry of being together. This just means heating things up a bit- and I'm sure you'd want to get to this point anyway. Safety- Much like money, women do not attach to men who's futures involve "working at a coal mill". If you appear secure in your future and look like you have some cash on hand, they will be more likely to trust you. Testosterone- Show the manliness you have a bit. Get angry sometimes. Don't get pushed around. Have some muscles. Even though girls say they want a "nice" guy, they get wetter faster for someone who is willing to prove they have a penis. That's why a lot of "jerks" are more likely to get laid than a "nice guy".

Seduction techniques Playing a part Believe it or not, being stereotypical can be good, because it makes you easier to swallow for most girls. Let's be honest here- if you walked into any given social situation acting like Hunter Thompson, it would no doubt be awesome, but the majority of women would be off put. This is because, much like your average guy, they look for personality types they can understand and accept. It applies to guys too- you're looking for generally acceptable girls- so this should not be TOO MUCH of a surprise for you. So, with all of that in mind, here are your generally accepted personality types: 

The Bad Boy Tattoos, high adventure, and badassery. If you're like this, you can be pushier and expect more sex- but she's likely to use you as a fling more than anything.

'''Good example:''' Any given (decent) Rock artist 

The Artist/Depressed Freak Emo, faggotry, creative, and the like. This is best for skinny and artistic guys, but you have to sacrifice your testosterone. However, sex also comes relatively easy for the more attractive ones.

'''Good example:''' Johnny Depp in ''Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street'' 

The Cool Rich Man

Money, power, and stability. This requires that you're something of a good looker with cash, and that you have a high status in society, as well as a relaxed and good personality. Sex comes easy, but you may pick up too many gold diggers. '''Good example:''' Christian Bale in ''American Psycho'' 

The Lover The kind of people you see in romance novels for overweight married women. This requires the utmost of seduction and good looks, and gets you loads of sex. However, much like the bad boy, this doesn't translate into an actual relationship, and you'll tend to pick up "too" desperate women.

'''Good example:''' Ewan McGregor in ''Moulin Rouge'' 

The Greenpeace Fuck Believe it or not, there are a lot of wet (anorexic) pussies in the ultra-green world. Sound concerned about the environment and about how the "evil right wants to stop the little man" and girls tend to like you. But only greenpeace-esque girls- this isn't really something to play at a bar.

'''Good example:''' Any bleeding heart pussy. 

The Foreign Guy Look foreign? Play it up and pick up some women with a taste in the wild side. These tend to be one night stands, though, and it's hard to pretend for very long.

'''Good example:''' Antonio Banderas in ''The Mask of Zorro'' 

The Frat Fuck This is when you are unoriginal and stupid, and you have no talent. Generally, your average frat fuck will get laid, but only to desperate or slutty girls. This is to only be used in absolute desperation.

'''Good example:''' Ryan Renolds as Van Wilder in ''National Lampoon's Van Wilder''

Types to Avoid 

The Potential Husband The potential husband is someone who NEVER gets laid and generally gets pulled around on a leash, a kind of support for a girl who feels her biological clock ticking. Basically, she's going to go fuck everyone but you, then use you as her husband when she's not feeling wild anymore. If this happens, just tell her to put out or get out.

'''Good example:''' Steve Carell in ''Dan in Real Life''

The Bro No-one likes a "Bros-before-hoes" trademark crazy fuck. If your idea of picking up a girl is hooting at her and talking to "your boys" about her, and even possibly using them to go to her instead of yourself, you are a "bro". And you will be a lonely "Bro" with your latent homosexuality for a long time.

'''Good example:''' Any and all Guidos 

The Borderline The Borderline is something that most gamers/geeks don't understand NOT to be. Being "hardcore" (for example, carrying around a knife, being somewhat psycho, etc) is not attractive whatsoever. In fact, it makes you scary. No surprise there.

'''Good example:''' The Unibomber 

The Good Friend The good friend is someone who is used as emotional support, not romance. This kind of stereotype is fine if you actually just want to be friends, but it's romantic suicide (you're basically put on the wrong ladder, as explained below).

'''Good example:''' That guy hanging around the popular girl pretending to be gay. 

The Fat Funny Guy Are you overweight? Do you wear Hawaiian shirts? Do you joke with people a lot? Do you secretly lust for girls skinnier than you? Give up.

'''Good example:''' John Belushi. In anything he ever did.

But hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves. While these are somewhat acceptable stereotypes (much like we think of "cute High school Cheerleader" as a female stereotype), this doesn't mean you won't fit in if you don't try to strive for one of these concepts. More than likely, you'll do fine no matter what so long as you socialize and learn to be confident: and that's a big part of it all. Being self-confident, not an arrogant asshole Arrogance is good. In fact, arrogance is part of being a guy. When you start talking to a girl, your ability to seem self-confident and powerful is a turn-on to them because it shows them that you are "complete". Saying "I'm not sure of myself" or any variation thereof is the quickest way to becoming "a good friend"- something you don't want. Because of this, you need to remember that as kind as you may be, you need to be masculine. Let's take a classic example: James Bond. Women get all wet for James Bond. But if you watch the movies, he is actually quite misogynistic- to the point of being sexually harassing. The thing about James Bond is that he doesn't really fuck around with women, nor does he ask them questions- he just does. I'm certainly not saying to run off and force yourself upon the closest girl

to you- but girls don't want someone who is wishy-washy or uncertain. They want to be swept off their feet. Assuming you want a typical girl with a few quirks to her (and in all honesty, who would want a completely typical and average girl), how would you respond if she were loud and annoying. Unless she has a hot appearance to back this up, I doubt you'd want anything to do with that. Now picture her being quiet and timid... not responsive to anything you say at all, and in fact a little creepy. You want someone who can hold up a conversation with you, and something you're familiar with. That's what they want. They want something they're familiar with, as well as a little fantasy (See James Bond). So, for all real purposes, stop hesitating and using excessive deference when speaking. "Um", "Uhhh", and "Well" is completely out. Instead, practice speaking actively: replace every instance of "Um" in your speech with "Now". It buys you a moment to think, and makes you appear like you know what the fuck you're saying. Also, try to be a bit more polite. This comes out of left field in this way, but it's a bitching way to show them that you also care. Or something. Long story short: If you say "Thank you" or "Ma'am" or whatever, you tend to look much more refined- but still retain that masculine edge. A good thing. Flashing the masculinity In general, women like to be slightly dominated. You may disagree because you've been brainwashed otherwise, but just trust Anonymous for a second- most girls want to be held down and forced rather than asked for a "good old mutual sex" session. So, how do you let that kind of attitude off? First off, feel free to be somewhat blunt and pick on her. Be masculine, after all you're not the bitch in the relationship. Telling a girl to do things, commanding her around, the works- so long as you aren't an asshole, you will handle this fine. For example, many girls absofuckinglutely love the concept of being held against a wall and kissed- because it's being forced, and it makes them feel naughty. There are many ways to do this, but the most generic ones involve the following:     

Hold her tight. Not in the supportive way. In the "I'm going to have my way with you" way. Guide her around. Have dates planned and things to do. Don't defer to her. Tell her what you want. This generally only works in more sexual situations, but telling her to do certain things (bend over, et al) works. Demand things of her. Tell her you want her to wear a certain dress or something. This is just enough command to make her enjoy it. Push In the right situation, being pushy and perverted is actually a GOOD thing.

Keep in mind you can fuck this up pretty fast. Being hyper masculine or misappropriating any of this could easily crash your date/relationship. Use common sense- the idea is to be subdued, not to be Mr. He-Man-Woman-Hater.

The easiest way to understand the domination thing is to simply know that it falls under the same category as confidence: you want to be able to stand firm and push without seeming wishywashy. While, much like confidence, it takes time to develop, it will pay back in incredible amounts in the long run. Flash your wit Don't be a humorless tool, use forms of subtle humor and flirting to pull her in. There's plenty of ways to make it look like you’re funny, sexy, and more without coming off as a douche. Here are some tips from an anon's personal experiences: 

 

Girls love smart guys, just don't go overboard. Show her that you have a firm grasp of the English language (or whatever the fuck you speak) by dropping "high-brow" words every now and again. Just don't over do it or you'll make her feel dumb. As stated above, being subtly and playfully perverted in moderation is a GOOD thing. Use words like "cutie-pie" (that has never failed me. It's so goofy and cute that they love it) and other friendly compliments. Don't be afraid to acknowledge that cute girl across the room. If you lock eyes, give her your best smile and a nod, then go back to what you were doing for a bit. Just make sure you can keep watching her with your peripheral vision, just to see if she's sneaking another peak. Winking should be used in moderation. Don't do it every time you make eye contact, you'll look like you have downs syndrome, though if used in moderation it can be an effective lure. Show random competency. For example, nothing is a conversation starter quite like knowing how to mix a good drink at a party or being able to deal cards professionally. So long as you don't get overly proud of yourself, you'll look quite impressive.

There are plenty of "playful" ways to seduce a girl, and once you've broken the ice you can begin flashing your masculinity, just don't forget to switch it up to the "funny, smart guy" method every now and then. Girls really do love men with brains.

Flashing the support Women look for men who can support them. This basically means that you need to provide a kind of "service" to them, even while still controlling them. The most obvious of this is money- a lot of girls almost exclusively look at jobs and cash as a way to find good men. And hey, let's face it- it is a pretty good way to find "responsible" men, even though it will bite you in the ass. This is really up to your own abilities. You can't magic up money, nor can you create responsibility. Don't ever spend too much money on a woman, nor do you ever go with her on the cheap- simply try to find a happy balance between money and the relationship. Even though most women do consider status as a factor in a relationship, throwing money at something doesn't make it better.

Some ideas include the following:    

Pay for dinner. You probably will anyway, but make sure she notices. Try to support yourself as much as possible. Eating TV dinners isn't exactly the best. However, smart people can do this to pull in a motherly woman- otherwise, you look needy. Don't always answer her phone calls or messages immediately. Make her come to you and beg for attention. Have a pet or something. Prove you can take care of more than yourself.

This can't be stressed enough. Do NOT throw cash at the situation to boost up this in the perception of the girl- dating should not be expensive. Often, it's not your ability to spend money that's impressive, but your ability to live your life happily without going overboard- basically, your ability to live frugally, but enjoy it. Girls who want you to spend excess amounts of cash on silly things should be avoided at all costs.

The social ladders Basically, you have you two ladders, which some brightfuck shrink came up with, the relationship ladder, and the friendship ladder, also known as the "I'm gonna get Fucked" ladder and the "I'm Fucked if I want to get Fucked" ladder, respectively. There are two approaches to the ladder theory, the Male and the Female. For guys, it goes thusly: Richard meets Sophie. Richard thinks, "hmm, Sophie is attractive, I would like to fuck her." Richard then meets Louise. Same thing happens, Richard thinks, "hmm, Louise is more attractive than Sophie, I would like to fuck her more. thus his relationship ladder looks thus 1. Louise 2. X 3. XX 4. Sophie... and so on, so forth etc.... Infinitely less complicated than what you are about to read, I'm sure you'll agree. Women have two ladders, explained below. The Relationship Ladder Also known as the "I'm about to fuck this broad/bint/bitch/etc." ladder. Do Not be alarmed, not all guys on this ladder are in for a relationship, so its more of a guys she'd like to fuck. Sophie has met Richard, as was mentioned earlier, and she assesed him the same way he assesed her. She decided she liked him, and placed him on this, the good ladder. Richard is of course never told this, and is left his own devices to divine on which ladder he clings for dear social life. Events inevitably occur which give him clues, however, and he figures out he is on the fucking ladder. The Friend Ladder His problem though, is where he clings on to the ladder for dear social life with Louise, as he likes her more. Unbeknown to him, he has been placed on the death ladder, the completely undesirable ladder to be on. She wants to be friends with him, and nothing more, so, not knowing this, he pursues her, and gets rejected.

Conclusion Richard realizes Sophie likes him, but does nothing about because as far as he is aware, is still in with a chance of having his way with Louise. Having realized she has been rejected, Sophie asks another guy out, or accepts an offer off someone else, and they live happily ever after until he becomes an hero or some shit. Richard then works up the courage to ask Louise out. she rejects him, saying its easier for her at the moment not to date. AS far as he is concerned now, hes on the friends list, the "we ain't going to fuck list", with her, even tho he may not be, but, as far as we're concerned, he is. He has no idea where he is in relation to the other guy on Sophies list, so he decides to give up, become an hero, try and simply walk to Mordor, etc. the moral of the story, don't hang about for the #1 on your list, is a girl who is high up on your list offers you a piece of ass, take it, and run with it, like a little dog with a ball.

Sticky situations Escaping the Friend Zone This is by all means legendary. Some would say mythical. It CAN be done. However, it's fairly rare and can't be left depending on how far you're in the zone. If you're the shoulder to cry on, the guy who'll bend over backwards or do anything for some special woman, chances are if you're not her boyfriend, you're in the friend zone. There's ways out of it, but it's conditional: 1) Never express your true feelings or emotions for her. Pouring your heart out on a silver platter to someone just downright embarrasses the fuck out of them. The only thing you do when you spill your guts is selfishly try to guilt-trip the woman into dating you. After she rejects you because of this, you'll be in the friend zone for good. She'll probably see you as too clingy or an emotional train wreck on two legs. 2) She needs to be attracted to you in one way or another. Vice versa. If she's not attracted to you physically, she's not going to see you as anything more than a friend. If she ever seemed jealous or irked by someone flirting with you or when you talk of some girl you like, she probably is. 3) Don't be a pussy. Women already have one between their legs, they don't need another one. Don't be a shoulder to cry on, be the escape from the emotion. If she's BAWWWWing over some ex-boyfriend, don't sit there and listen to her whine about it. Urge her to go out with you somewhere for something to keep her mind off of things. Y'know, like real guys do? Build up a persona that she sees, the man, not the boy. Don't make them your main priority or they'll usurp the privilege. 4) Be prepared to wait. Don't even fucking think about it, if you know you're not on the friendship ladder. Most women tend to be attracted to their male friends at at least one point in their friendship, and it is just a matter of making a move at the right time. (Before someone cries sexism, this particular step was written by a girl. Believe me, I would know.) If you have those three things in tact, you've got a chance to get out of the friend zone. If the woman has ever used the line "I just want to be friends" on you, don't even bother. There's points

where you can redeem yourself and points of no return. Most important of all, take everything slow. VERY FUCKING SLOW. Stalkers A picture of you in her possession before you've stuck it in her pooper is the first warning sign that you might have a stalker on your hands. Extra points are awarded if it's a headshot and you don't remember a camera. These are the kinds of bitches that'll cling on to you for as long as they can and suck you (financially) dry to the bone. Anonymous recommends burning this fucking bridge as soon as humanly possible. Dealing with this particular kind of girl is tricky. Since these nutjobs are usually in a world of their own, breaking their perverted image of you is top priority. A very effective method to accomplish this is copiously applying donkey punches to your would be stalker. Alternate methods include aggressive relocation (read: kidnapping and dumping in the countryside) or, in extreme cases, 50. caliber aspirin. Another idea is to fart while she's blowing you. To recap: Stick it in her pooper, apply the donkey punch, exfiltrate and move on. Crazies Crazies are the type of girl who are fun to seduce until the second week.......That's when comes, the fuckin' "I love you". Stick it in her pooper, and GTFO! Run like crazy. This bitch will find you, rape you, and then shit in your nostrils. But seriously, DO NOT mess with this kind unless you're the kind of guy who enjoys entirely dependent and attention-starved women. Hardasses "You don't fucking OWN me, bitch! Who do you think you are?" These are some of the bitches you want to avoid. The Hardass tends to be a feminazi, or a quasibutch chick. Most men won't bother with this kind of woman anyway, they're usually reputed to be lesbians. They are prone to have more male friends, and are more comfortable with men touching them, but rub them the wrong way and they are more likely to get physically offensive with you. The Hardass is notoriously difficult to get close to, and you probably shouldn't try anyway-- once you do, you may be exposed to their insecure, whiny-cry emo interior depending on where you sit with them on the ladder. More often than not the hardass facade won't hold if you push back and find some of the chinks in her armor. Get to whatever she's trying to protect, and she'll either fall in on herself, go running to you for support (which may or may not give you the opportunity to stick it in her pooper), or become a lesbian.

Mother Hens "Tell me what you think our children will look like." FUCKING WOAH. Mother hens aren't as bad as crazies, but they're scary in their own right. These are the kind of women who sink into such a sense of security when they have a long lasting relationship that they think it'll go on forever. They want to get married, settle down, have your babies. Fine and dandy, except that's not what you're looking for. They usually aren't very wild fucks, sex with a mother hen can get boring fast. She's another one of those girls who's either "well what if I get pregnant" or she's a fucking biological time bomb. Best advice: Don't stick it in her pooper. Run. GTFO. A mother hen can also be classified as a woman with several infatuated guys following her like little chicks after a hen. She plays with them all with no intention of a serious relationship/teh sexings. Don't even bother getting involved unless you're really smooth, and then all she's good for is an occasional slow fuck. When you absolutely fuck up Who cares? There are at least 3 billion other women on the planet. Do you really care if some lame girl doesn't want to have sex with you? If you really care that much you can employ this alternative strategy: Become an hero.

Sex Tenshi Hinanawi edited this page on Apr 19, 2012 · 1 revision

This section of The Well Cultured Anonymous is meant to provide you with information about the most common sexual practices. The following is taken from both literature and first-hand personal experience, but as the author(s) we'd like to state that nothing you see here is the truth revealed about sex. The author(s) are aware that many sex tricks may be found easily through Google, but as sex seems to be an important part of one's life especially in the world we live right now, we're meant to talk estensively about it. We're no Cosmopolitan or such, therefore there won't be the classical "How to drive him mad in bed"-approach, we won't tell you how to find a person to have sex with; or how to deal with your fetishes and propose them; other sections of the book will be meant to do so. Also, we won't go in detail through the deep psychological analysis of sex; rather, our intent is to use the most objective light, and add definitions, occasionally suggesting what we do know, and adding here and there some advice in colloquial tone.

Introduction The definition of "most common sexual practices" may seem inadequate, due to the impossibility to strictly catalogue the human sexual behavior; we'd range from missionary intercourse to scat fetishes and we'd probably be here talking forever. Assured that this is meant to be a practical guide for sex, we can draw at least some guidelines and give some further definition: 

 

Sexual intercourse: if you've never seen people having penis-to-vagina or penis-to-anus sex I wonder how much have you used Internet and what you've been using it for. With the definition "sexual intercourse", in this guide, we define any genital-to-genital contact that involves penetration and, by similarity, also any genital-to-anal contact that involves penetration. Oral intercourse: any oral-to-genital contact and, by similarity, also any oral-to-anal contact. Non-sexual intercourse: any other kind of genitals-to-body-part contact, including genital-togenital and genital-to-anal contacts that do not involve penetration.

This allows us to define intercourse depending on contact between genitals (or genitalia, the two terms will be used indifferently since they're perfectly equivalent) and one's body part. It's also evident that we won't talk about any other fetish that does not involve intercourse of any kind; inanimate objects will be treated as such and what applies for most part of what we'll say about intercourse will be valid also with inanimate objects.

Clean I cannot stress that enough. You need, no, require, a clean room, that involves: 

   

relatively tidy room o no food, packaging, plates, cutlery lying about o no pile of (dirty) clothes o no random scraps of paper or books all over the place clean bedsheets, bed must be properly done, or barely undone. clean floor clean everything no body odours lingering, it's a room, not a cave.

Protection Back in primary school, starting in roughly sixth grade in today's day and age, people stress protection during sexual intercourse. And this for a few reasons: 

STDs, or sexually transmitted diseases, why does everyone make such a big fucking deal of this? Because such contact as what you are going to get from sexual intercourse are amongst the ones with highest transmission risks. Think of kissing someone with the flu or a gastrointestinal illness, delicious, isn't it? o Some practices are more risky than others, if there's risk of injury/blood, it's a sign of such increased risks.


However we're not going to bust your gonads with details, there are plenty of websites for that, all better informed than we are. Go read them. Period. Pun. Planned Parenthood, that is probably your main concern by now, as you obviously disregarded the health risks as your hormones kindly forced you to. Unless we are considering a homosexual relationship, chances are one of the two of you might just start forming that little entity we call a foetus (and if you have such a vivid imagination as the Collective, you surely can imagine more such cases). o If you are in it for fun, clearly you don't want to end up with a child to care for, particularly since if you read this, you're likely to be terrible at taking care of anything but yourself, and even that. o If you are in a relationship but clearly fit the previous description, it still applies. o If you are planning to have a child, just concern yourself with infection risks and if the radiation of the various artifacts you keep around you haven't made you sterile yet, it should work out at some point.

And in case you didn't fucking listen, here's a recap: 

Use a Condom the whole fucking time, every time.

That alone however, is not enough. Take it from this Anon, a pregnancy scare at a point in your life where having a child would seriously fuck things over is literally the scariest thing you will ever have to go through in your life.

If you catch something, chances are you'll be banned from sexual life for a while, and I figure you don't want that. If you are going to have sex, use the big three: 

A properly fucking checked condom, if in doubt, fill the tip with water and see if any leaks out. And NEVER. EVER. use a gas station condom. Stick to Trojan or Durex if available. Wear it the entire time. o Make your research, some brands are better than others, as usual. o Unfit condoms dramatically increase the chances of spill and uselessness of protection.  Too large.  Too small.  Too thin. o Some practices put more strain on them, know them.  Any fat based product will break down the components of the latex, and you risk breaking it.  Water increases friction, same thing.  Unlubricated 'orifices' create friction, idem. o Not knowing how to put it on is a massive failure on your end. If neither you nor your partner can do it, then you'll both look pretty damn stupid. o All these are reasons why the theoretical efficiency of condoms (98-99%) is down to 8085%, because people are clearly doing it WRONG. PULL OUT. Even with a condom on. Can never be too careful bro. o Once used as a prevention method by itself, it's efficiency is far from good, as an unprotected penis will still have a certain amount of ejaculate drip out before the actual orgasm.


It offers little to no protect against most STDs, however, if I am correct, some of them have the pinnacle of the infection risk during ejaculation, don't rely on it, still, it is only used here as a reference. o Still it might(not will) increase the chances of not having problems if you had some with the condom. Make sure the bitch is on birth control. o Don't trust her about it either. Ask her to show you her pills if its a one night thing or, if in a relationship, ask for her to let you watch her take the pill. Don't let her give you any bullshit about "not trusting her" because if she does give you that bullshit she is probably a cocktrapping slut who wants to trap you into commitment. o This method can be combined with physical methods of prevention, however know that combining two methods of the same type hardly increases the protection.  Double condom actually reduces it.  Anal intercourse presents much higher risks than condoms, as in 0 protection against STDs, and little against pregnancy.  Sidenote, if she is so dumb/drunk that she thinks she can get pregnant from fellatio, then she'll prove to be right by getting pregnant in an unexplainable (to you *snicker*) way.

You need the big three. No doubt.

Sexual intercourse As we said, sexual intercourse is any kind of genital-to-genital contact that involves penetration. Please note that these information are suitable with particular regard to male/female intercourse; male/male intercourse can happen with similar positions, as well as female/female sex, if partners are provided with devices like strap-on dildos, etc. To further eliminate distinguish between the sex of the participants, the penetrating partner will be always referred as to "A", while the receiving partner will be always referred to as "B". Positions and techniques Note: Suggestions section helps giving some advice on possible variations and tricks to make the positions less schematic and helping in varying them. Pros and Cons sections advice on what may be the merits and flaws of such a position. Note: All techniques mention "thrusts"; the thrusts may be performed in any way possible, i.e. simple pelvic thrusts, or full thrusts with a "push-up" movement to use the partner's weight, etc. pretty any kind of thrusting enhances friction (which is the main source of pleasure during all kind of intercourse.) Missionary position The most basic position for anyone (and the most likely you'll get when you have sex for the first time with a girl) is the missionary position. Technically, the missionary is executed by having B

lying in supine position (belly-up) with thighs and legs opened and A kneeling or standing in front of her/him (if he/she is on an elevated surface), frontally penetrating the vagina (or anus). 

Suggestions: B may lift her/his legs wrapping them around A's waist, or join them while being penetrated (tightening the vaginal/anal walls), placing one or two legs on A's shoulders, bending the legs at the knee and pushing them towards the chest, or lift the pelvis to follow through the thrusting movement. A pillow could be placed under the receiving partner's waist to heighten it up and achieve deeper penetration (especially for anal sex.) Lifting up the torso and supporting with elbows/hands puts stress on the neck, but may be useful to get closer. Pros: Easy access to vaginal penetration: though other positions are available, it's one of the most common and one of the easier when starting sex. B can lie and relax the back muscles. Due to its front-facing nature, this position enhances eye contact and helps to create a feeling of intimacy; it's also easy to kiss, talk and hug during sex. The technique, unless required by special variations, requires no hands, therefore they can be used to further stimulate the partner, i.e. touching the clitoris or nipples. Cons: When trying it with a B that has tight vaginal/anal walls, the penetration may occur with difficulty in the first moments of intercourse. Depth of penetration in this position is limited, and for a normally endowed A it's hard to join vaginal stimulation and G-spot massaging. The strain is principally on A, who has to control thrusting speed and depth. This is commonly seen as a "boring" sexual position, because its usage was recommended through centuries of sexual repression.

Side position Though technically it is a penetration from behind, the spoon technique is actually obtained by having A lying on one side and on the side of B, who lies in supine position (face-up). From such position, a frontal penetration of the vagina/anus is possible, with the penis head rotated of 90° on the navel-anus axis.  

Suggestions: See missionary position, keeping in mind that a leg is already bent in the most majority of cases. A T-square variant involves A's body being perpendicular to B's. Pros: It's easier to achieve penetration when missionary position is ineffective. Also allows A to hug B from a side position to keeping B firm in place and compensate the thrusting movement. It's a decent, yet "tame" alternative way to the missionary position. It allows eye contact, and a free hand may be used to stimulate the receiving partner. Cons: The penetration depth is limited, and usually lifting the nearmost side B's leg is necessary to allow contact. Lying on one side usually restrains movement of A's relative arm, that loses part of its functionality, unless used to hug/restrain B. Lips kissing is actually difficult unless B is flexible enough to endure a fierce bending angle on one leg.

Doggie/doggy style The doggy style penetration is the most common penetration from behind. It usually is achieved by having B on all fours or bent forward creating an angle of 90° between torso and legs. 

Suggestions: B can bend further, forming a narrower angle; spread the legs or clench them; or have A grab own's wrists and gently (or not) pulling backwards arching widening the angle. B can

also lie on the side and receive the penetration from the front, with A kneeling, or standing (if the receiving is on an elevated surface), or lying belly-to-back. Pros: Allegedly easy penetration, as the sexual organs are fully exposed. B may "go with" A's thrusts, and A can hug B's torso, bend forward or arch backwards to achieve extra depth during penetration. Doggie style has the highest penetration depth for sexual intercourse, save cowgirl and reverse cowgirl positions. When particular conditions are met, it can also lead to G-spot stimulation. Cons: This position hardly allows visual aid and the risk of touching anus when searching for vaginal contact are far higher than other positions. Though being inherently better for sex, the doggy style position has widely been seen as demeaning and humiliating for the receiving end, due to the difficulty to achieve eye contact and kissing, all the while exposing the receiving end's bare buttocks to the penetrating end and showing "embarassing" regions of one's body to the partner's eyes. It has been seen in popular culture as a "dirty sex" position, and associated with violence and rape conducts; males are "usually" enticed by the back perspective, while women are "traditionally used" to dislike it. Nonetheless, it's one of the most widespread positions and the one that still generates most controversy.

Prone penetration A variant of the penetration from behind consists in having B lie prone (face-down), and having A enter from behind the anus/vagina by lying on the B's back or kneeling by placing the B's legs between A's open knees, and bend slightly forward, placing the hands approximately at shoulder's width, like in push-ups.  

Suggestions: It is advisable to put pillows under B's waist to lift slightly the pelvis and help the penetration; while A should avoid taking uncomfortable positions if possible. Pros: The receiving end is lying and therefore can relax the whole body muscles. If the receiving end keeps the legs joint, the penetrating end may experience a tightening of vaginal/anal walls, causing higher friction. The thighs may provide further stimulation and (if the size allows it) thrusts can be alternated with strokes between the gluteuses (unofficially known as an "assjob", in analogy to other practices involving the penetrating partners rubbing their penis on/between various parts of their partners' bodies.) Cons: Achieving penetration is difficult due to the lack of space and, if particularly angled or bent, a penis may not be suitable to try penetrating with little space. Kissing is extremely difficult, and the same happens with eye contact. Thrusting and regulation of depth are once again in charge to A. A's position might (Stress the word "might") put pressure on the head of the penis (This probably happens because of an incorrect position) and, continuing with this, might lead to sexual-related illnesses such as anorgasmia (Orgasm is really delayed or nonexistant during intercourse or masturbation), or even erectile disfunction (Problems to achieve an erection and/or keep it). Odds are, that it won't really happen unless A feels that the penis is under too much pressure (It's often because A's doing it wrong and has to "realign" his position, but there are cases of people that didn't give a shit and now they can't get their dick straight).

Cowgirl position The cowgirl position (or girl-on-top as it is commonly known) has B facing A, and kneel above A's pelvis, achieving penetration by inserting the penetrating object vertically placed. The

receiving end can squat or bend in forward/backward motion, "grind" on the frontal walls of vagina/anus by arching the back, move to the side, etc. It is used widely in pornographic movies. 

Suggestions: Virtually any placement of the legs can create different sensations for B, therefore any variation may include straightening the legs towards A while arching the back while supporting the weight with arms and hands; or, while squatting, the rebound produced by an elastic surface can be used; B can push up the pelvis enhancing the force of thrusts. During vaginal intercourse, a bent-forward B's anus can also be stimulated by the penetrating partner with A's fingers. Pros: B is in control, regulating depth, speed and force of thrusts and generally guiding the intercourse. A can easily reach any B body part, and the position allows eye contact between the partners, sexual stimulation (by manipulation of clitoris, anus, breasts and erogen zones) and kissing. Cons: It usually wears both A and B really fast, and - unless the vaginal/anal walls are so tight to produce continuous friction, a male partner most likely can keep an erection for a limited time while in this position, due to the blood flowing towards the body and not towards the penis.

Reverse cowgirl The reverse cowgirl position is the penetration from behind equivalent to the cowgirl, and many considerations done for the cowgirls are valid for the reverse, too. The reverse cowgirl has B facing in the opposite direction of A, and kneel above A's pelvis, achieving penetration by inserting the penetrating object vertically placed. The receiving end can squat or bend in forward/backward motion, "grind" on the frontal walls of vagina/anus by arching the back, move to the side, etc. It is used widely in pornographic movies. It is one of the most prominent positions in pornography, because it frontally exposes the genitalia of the receiving end during anal and/or vaginal penetration in many of its variants. 

Suggestions: Everything described for the cowgirl position still applies; additionally, during vaginal penetrations it is possible to have the receiving end bend forward, almost like in a doggy style position, and having A stimulate B's anus with the fingers, having a frontal view. For both vaginal and anal penetrations, a range of stereotypical pornographic-oriented positions are obtained by having B change the legs' position and sit on the penetrating's pelvis, thus enhancing the penetration's depth.

To obtain this, B's legs can be: spreaded and lifted in the air, supported by A's hands - that also gives the thrusts and/or moves in a cradling motion; or spreaded and bent at the knees to place the feet on A's thighs and "bounce" on A's pelvis; or closed between A's spreaded thighs.  

Pros: see cowgirl position; add that, like any other penetration from behind, the depth reached is relevant. Cons: Disavantadges are: the relational difficulty in achieving eye contact and kissing; many positions based on reverse cowgirl are rather exotic and visually enticing for men, but require both strength and flexibility; therefore, are hard to keep and slightly unappealing for women.

Cowgirl and reverse cowgirl are often used as positions for double penetration.

Sitting positions Quickly said, sitting positions are obtained when the penetrating partner is sitting and the receiving sits on his erect penis. Penetration can be vaginal or anal. Any position of legs and any angle of penetration is therefore possible. 

Suggestions: While it is possible to simply sit with legs straight or crossed, or kneel on a surface and begin penetration, in the long run it may wear the legs pressed by the receiving end's weight and the eventual bounces. This can be partially avoided by sitting on an elevated surface (such as a chair; it is advisable to choose a chair that allows to comfortably, fully touch with the feet plants and put the weight on the ground.) Pros: The receiving partner controls depth and speed of penetration, while the penetrating one can relax the back muscles, much like cowgirl and reverse cowgirl positions. Depending on which direction is he/she facing, the receiving end may kiss, have eye contact; in any case, he/she can be hug by the penetrating partner to enhance the thrust. Cons: see Suggestions, and cowgirl/reverse cowgirl for further information.

Standing positions are also possible, with the same modalities described for sitting ones (but the partners will be standing instead.)

Tips and tricks Here are some "tricks" regarding specifically sexual intercourse. They may or not work with you, but are actually used pretty often and may help when needed. They're under the form of easy commands that you can remember yourself when you're down having sex and encountering problems. For obvious reasons (author speaking is male), I can only give some insight to women, I have yet to experience how being a woman is - and I guess I'm not going to know it soon. For men 

Go easy. Sex could be a wild ride, but you actually will have to start smooth. Life isn't a porn and you don't have to positively hump furiously from the first second you're in. Try to slowly work inside the walls, pushing gently and making lighter, short-range thrusts. Especially girls love this softer approach, since if they're pretty tight penetration will hurt them until lubrication kicks in and this will make them soaking wet. Even if you're using lubricants, starting smooth is the best way to do it. Concentrate on the pleasure and warmness you feel when with every push a growing part of you gets inside. Keep it up. Once you started, sex becomes a wild ride; your girl/partner, when lubed enough, will allow you to go faster and deeper. Faster still means you don't have to go full throttle from zero hour, because your muscles are subject to wearing pretty much and you'll be physically spent when your partner wants more. And you'll insta-cum, which is so bad for you. So, keep a decent rhythm and thrust fiercely without being a raving madman; it must be enough for you to keep pumping for ten minutes at least. If you're tired, go deep. Ok, you didn't follow me before, or you calculated wrong and bang! now you can't hump anymore, your back muscles hurt and you're in a pool of sweat and panting right when she was starting to moan carelessly. And you're far from coming. Then, that's time to buy time and use a slower, and deeper penetration. Arch your back to push any centimeter of

you inside. Slowly pull out until you're almost outside and then suddenly rush in with force. You'll feel sucked in, and this means absolute paradise. And your partner sure will, too. Note that this probably will make you cum faster than almost anything else. Try not to come fast. This may be a no-brainer and debate on the subject may go on forever, but you actually should try your damndest not to come until you can't resist anymore. Egoistically speaking, if you restrain your ejaculation for a bit it will be awesome. No shit here. Moving to more serious questions, if you're without a condom, you're already getting a risk you should not take and coming inside your partner may worsen the situation to skyrocketing degrees. Anyways, you can force yourself not to cum by compressing the urethra muscles really hard (as if you're keeping from pissing - I know it's an horrible comparison, but the urethra is one and cum flows from there as well); by pressing hard with two fingers on the penis base, ideally on the point it joints with the scrotum (though this has no scientifical correctness and may or may not work with you); or by pressing hard on a nerve that is located on the center of perineum (the zone between your anus and your scrotum.) This can buy you some more time, but keep in mind: you won't last much anyway. Fapping around 1~2 hours before sex is one of the most frequent advices, but it zeroes your libido and may taint the experience. Trust your body. The pre-cum is designed to fuck you when you're playing and trying to pull out in time well, maybe not, but at its arrival you'll feel a wave of pleasure similar to orgasm. This is the signal that you absolutely have to stop. You're near to cum and in less than ten thrusts you'll feel the cum rushing off and then you'll be done. None of the methods that have been stated in the previous paragraph will buy you time. Pull out, ask your partner where to cum and if you don't have any answer decide by yourself. Don't get in again, even if begged - if you must not come inside, you're up to drown yourself in shit. Don't get it unnecessary long. Remember that it's ok and perfectly natural to cum if you're above 7~10 minutes of intercourse if you're not circumcized - if you are, you may resist more but no insurance. Remember you're not shooting porn and you don't have to resist one hour straight; if your partner's muscles aren't relaxed as fuck (i.e.: fisting-addicts and the likes) sexual intercourse will hurt more than give pleasure after 20~25 minutes. Women complain often about having "fast" men but they actually don't like to be prodded for long periods. Don't stress yourself. If an accident happens and you cum pretty fast, don't outrage completely, don't blame yourself, don't panic. Talk clear and straight to your partner that yes, you've cum, and it mostly doesn't depend on you. If you have followed the advices given before and didn't hump like a berserker you don't have anything to blame on yourself, and your partner shouldn't too. If they complain and snide you when you fail, it's a flashing sign they don't respect you. By the way, if accidents happen the most majority of the times you try, and you can't last at least 5 minutes even if you struggle with all your might, it'd be nice if you look forward going to your doctor. No shame issues can counter the fact that you don't want to live a shitty sex life and be content with it. You want to fuck, you want to feel good: decide to do something about it.

For girls 

Active part. Missionary? By Jove Almighty, you must do something. As a woman, if you're not horrible you have any kind of charms to make the blood rush through the veins of the average male, and if someone wants you, for heaven's sake, wants you to get an active role in what you're doing. Staring blankly at your partner looking serious amd silent will beat the most goodspirited folk into Dramaland, asking himself what is he doing wrong. Participate and say what

you want, voice your pleasure - you don't need to fake it, just be natural and don't freeze like a deer in front of truck lights. Relax and let yourself go. Tensed body = tensed muscle = pain. Unless you're gifted by deities or have a considerable amount of sex (you shouldn't read this if you do) it does hurt any time you start, you feel like someone is pushing a steaming hot golf stick up your pussy and you know it. Try to distend muscles and feel the penetration as it goes deeper. Burning hotness filling you may eventually become pleasurable. Slow your man, pushing him physically back when you feel him too deep, don't expect for him to go easy naturally because he won't unless you tell him. Then, when pain is over and you like it, make him know you want more. And if you're too tame to say it aloud and moan, grab his hair or his mouth and give him a tongue-laden barrage or bite him gently on the neck. This will do wonders, and if it doesn't... go with the thrusts until you lose control. Try to come. Sex is good when you come. Whereas many women claim that orgasm is less important than generic pleasure during intercourse, nonetheless it's like eating the cherry on a whipped cream cake - before saying you don't want it or don't care about it you should feel the sudden contraptions, the hot flush on your cheeks and the waves of pleasure pushing inside of you. Try playing with your clitoris during sex, if you can't have vaginal orgasms, or better ask your partner to do it if he seems multi-tasking enough to try it. He's coming. When a guy is about to come, a decision should be made on where the cum should go. It can't be stopped and most likely spillage will get a mess everywhere, so together with him you'd better think about cum's destination. I know many women that don't like being ejaculated upon, and I won't question their reasons (since anyone has motivations that I can't fathom) but you have to decide beforehand. Don't fear saying no. If you want or do not want something, remember that you're not a 1950s housewife / a donkey and you don't have to endure pain or a finger in the ass for your partner's entertainment. The standard scheme is: man want to fuck. Female wants too, but pretends she don't and, when obliged, feigns pleasure or denies at all. Break the scheme: if you don't like what your man / woman is / is not going to do, you better speak when you're about to do it, not to martyrize yourself and then complaining that you don't have a true sex life, that you're always hurt because your partner is pushy / rejective and doesn't care about you. Men and women can both be actually disposable to understand you, if they are so full of shit they don't, all they deserve is to have the bird flipped at them and ditched. Don't exaggerate: you can say no if something hurts you or you do feel against with a reason... don't deny always anything that you simply can't be bothered to do. Concede something sometimes as a special extra, something that could be expected or not, and reserve it for the times you feel adventurous enough. Your partner might want it hard, and leaving expectations always undone is a sure fire way to make sex a good argument to fight over.

For both 

Change. Try to change positions when you feel sore with one. Don't rush or transform your sexual activity into a fitness routine, because in the end you're there to have some pleasure and not to sore your wrists by passing 20 minutes straight having them support you in a missionary or the legs hurt by staying with the legs spreaded over the human possibilities. Come together. If you can. Try delaying it a bit; if you can't make in time or are the one to come first, offer to your partner to finish off with oral sex or manipulation etc.

Play solo. Experiment. For guys: try to apply some methods to restrain ejaculation. Do something useful with your fapping, and make it work to develop control on your penis and your muscles. Have you ever tried prostate massage? I agree it may sound a bit gay, but according to who tried, you'll feel heaven. Didn't you know your nipples are sensitive? For girls: you can't possibly think a guy can help you cum if you don't know how to. Learn pushing your fingers up to the G-spot, and then you'll be able to have your partner make you scream like a banshee. Ever tried to initiate anal penetration with a finger? If you start slowly it doesn't hurt so much, and it may be pleasurable if you do it during masturbation.

Threesomes Info needed.

Oral intercourse Oral sex it is generally seen as a less "strong" approach to sex and is now widespread in its usage. Though not directly gratificating for both parties as sexual intercourse, nonetheless it can be a satisfying substitute for full intercourse (especially in lesbian sex that does not employ any device intended for penetration) and some people may find it even more psychologically enticing. Note that is still considered a felony in many states, even in the USA. Again, these information are suitable for any kind of relationship. Oral on male partner Generally women are undecided in what to do when they have to stimulate a penis for the first time(s) with their mouth; even if some men would dismiss it with a "don't bite and it's all right" there are actually some tips that can enhance the experience for the receiving end (a man giving head to another man does know something about his own anatomy, so they could probably imagine what better suits their partners because it would suit them too.) To the eventually uncultured, oral sex is also called "fellatio" (Latin and legalese) or, most commonly, "blow-job" or "sucking" or "giving head". The first and foremost warning I'd give to every girl trying to start oral sex is: treat it as a kiss on the lips or on the chest of your partner. Many girls regard a blowjob as something completely different from any other kind of oral contact, but it is utterly wrong and may result only in unpleasurable results. Everything you know about kissing will suit perfectly on a penis:    

free use of tongue freely in swift or slow motions on any of the surfaces small peckers caressing with the lips gentle sucking

Plus, the sensibility of a penis is superior to a tongue's one, therefore you can distinguish many soft spots that can be used for stimulation:

  

glans: "head" of the penis; may be of a darker color respect to the rest of the penis skin and has a "mushroom" structure. Hosts the urethra on top. Is the most sensitive area of the penis and the one that receives the highest part of blood flow. The urethra is also sensitive, but be careful because it's an important tract of the reproductory and urinary system. Note that the lower zones of the glans are incredibly sensitive since they're hardly exposed, and touching them with your fingers or tongue will have a strong effect. frenulum: the small line of tissue that links the glans to the rest of the penis; it's extremely sensitive. base: the base of the penis hosts a nerve that can be triggered with ease by sliding with the tongue from the top towards the testicles. testicles and scrotum: they're sensitive, too.

Aside from kissing it, if you look at a pornographic movie you'll see that most action relies on taking a consistent part of a penis inside your mouth or engaging in heavy and rapid sucking. A possible suggestion is to start slow, not differently from what you'd do if instead of your mouth you used your vagina. As a crescent part gets into you, try to caress with your lips and tongue and feel the taste. Try to make it sloppy, and increase the sloppiness with your own saliva, that will allow you to make it slide more easily. If you want to get it energic there's no science or craft behind: move your head as you wish most, rubbing it against the wall of your cheeks, or get it deep into your throat as far as you can, or suck moving quickly in a in-and-out motion; what you can do is up to you, and you either can resist a bit or go on for a long time, but eventually you'll get worn. If you feel like gagging or can't suck with further force don't feel pressed: you're not a porn star and you are entitled to derive some pleasure from it.

While doing energic blowjobs may seem a sure-fire way to make a man cum, this is accurate to a certain extent; the deeper and faster you go the more it will be felt and appreciated, but some men may prefer a softer approach, especially the ones that are not circumcized and/or do not have a great sexual experience. As a basic rule, you don't need to overdo it, because it may eventually hurt if done with excessive force. Remember to breathe as often as you need, and if you're going to take a long pause give some strokes with your hand to keep erection constant. Hand motions are also important, and will be discussed in the handjob section. Oral (on Her) Men traditionally tend to "dislike" the practice of cunnilingus (which is the correct term for "carpet munching" or "pussy licking".) Causes often declared are the vaginal juices taste and smell; both can be pungent and unpleasant to one's personal taste. Women keep great consideration for expert practitioners for the simple reason that a large part of females can not achieve orgasm through vaginal stimulation, therefore may prefer a direct oral contact with the clitoris. The first and foremost warning I'd give to every boy trying to start oral sex is: treat it as a kiss on the lips or on the tits of your partner, but remember to stay gentle. Many men regard a cunnilingus as something completely equal to close their eyes, stick out their tongues and lick relentlessly or prod until the girl cums. While this is perfectly acceptable (even doing it

mechanically is probably a sure-fire way to make a girl cum) it is unsatisfactory and wearing for the one who licks... then everything you know about kissing will suit perfectly on a vagina:     

free use of tongue in swift or slow motions on any of the surfaces heavy breathing small peckers caressing with the lips gentle sucking

The soft spots for a woman are numberous: 

clitoris: is a rather small point that can be reached on the conjuction of the top of the labia majora (the larger pussy lips.) It is extra-sensitive and behaves like a glans. Its dimensions may vary, but usually it is hidden under a "hood" and may not be readily available to your tongue. The hood can be pulled away showing it off, but it's advisable to do it gently and go smooth on any further contact. lips: the labias (majora and minora) are the "pussy lips"; the former ones are the bigger ones, while the latter ones are hidden inside the former, save for a minority of cases. They're sensitive to a certain extent, but their stimulation can be satisfactory. vaginal entrance: aside Gene Simmons, a human tongue is not long enough to go deep inside the vaginal entrance, nonetheless tongue penetration is possible and is satisfactory for the receiving end. urethra: during sexual arousal it's hard to find it, but somehow stimulation is possible.

Though everything is basically up to you in what to do, here's a small list of tips that can be helpful: 

 

Before initiating cunnilingus and direct contact, beginning contact with the inner thigh, switching sides, and moving inward extremely slowly will serve to raise your female partner's level of arousal. Take note at the pattern of your partner's breathing, a sudden gasp indicates a positive response to the previous action, and it is advisable to repeat said action. To move the tongue, it's a good thing to follow a pattern and avoid lapping, which will cover a greater area but will diminish the local effect (especially if employed while licking the clitoris.) Suggestions: circles, infinite symbol, alphabet letters or numbers.

Will be further elaborated.

Non-sexual intercourse Since we've defined non-sexual intercourse as any contact between body parts and genitalia that do not involve penetration, a strict classification is nigh impossible, since we'd have to consider what is basically rubbing genitals on a body part. There are several examples, that we'll try to see in rapid succession. Most of those get the suffix -job, that joins the body part used for rubbing (as in handjob), or the suffix -fucking (as in fingerfucking.) Using lubricants may enrich the experience and it's a good idea for anything you're trying. The only one we'll separate is the handjob since the others don't have so much to say about them.

Handjob Though it is most commonly associated to male masturbation ("fapping" or "jacking off"...), the definition of handjob can be applied to any kind of contact between hands and genitals, therefore also female masturbation ("shlicking" or "fingerbanging"...) can be considered a hand job. For men One of the fastest ways to achieve orgasm is to clench a fist around the penis shaft and move the hand smoothly in an up/down movement, with the desired speed and depth (which is the essence of fapping.) Caresses are also ok, and it's advisable to start smooth as usual with delicate finger touch and slow tugging, reserving the fastest and most dramatic motions when approaching orgasm. 

Suggestions: it's better not to tug energically and/or push violently upwards or downwards. Most of the pleasure derives from the friction of foreskin on the glans, but being too hard and pulling back the skin with vehemence could result in pain for the male. Playing with testicles and scrotum is perfectly acceptable, but note that the sensibility is high and excessive pressure on those parts may hurt.

For women The possibilities are wide: there can be direct stimulation of the clitoris, rubbing of labia, or penetration with own's fingers. In all cases, it's always advisable to adopt a smooth approach, and wait for natural lubrication to kick in before attempting heavy touching. 

Suggestions: in the specific case of finger penetration, it's a good idea to search for the G-spot when the partner is kneeling, by inserting one or two fingers (usually the middle and the ring fingers) inside the girl's vagina and applying pressure on the front walls by moving like in the "come on" gesture.

Will be further elaborated.

Fetishes Fetishes, like everything else, must be taken in moderation. You can't take a girl home for the first time and then try to fuck her in a fursuit. As you get more comfortable with someone, you can open up more. Test the waters and see what her response is. If you want to get into some S&M, slap her gently or jokingly on the ass and see how she reacts. If she screams out "harder" you can go further with it, but when she says "what the fuck are you doing," you know she won't be in to that. If you are really comfortable with your partner, you can even just bring it up in conversation. Say you saw something in a porn, and you would be interested in trying it out if she was open to it.

You never know, she might have wanted you to say something because she was too nervous, and you were both into the same things the whole time.