The Post-Traumatic Growth Guidebook: Practical Mind-Body Tools to Heal Trauma, Foster Resilience and Awaken Your Potential 9781683732679

Table of contents :
Traumatic life experiences can be devastating and they inevitably shape who you are. Such events can also become a powerful force that awakens you to an undercurrent of your own aliveness. Trauma recovery involves learning to trust in your capacity for new growth. In order to grow, we must make use of our suffering in order to find our happiness.

Within these pages, you will find an invitation to see yourself as the hero or heroine of your own life journey. A hero's journey involves walking into the darkness on a quest for wholeness. This interactive format calls for journaling and self-reflection, with practices that guide you beyond the pain of your past and help you discover a sense of meaning and purpose in your life. Successful navigation of a hero's journey provides opportunities to discover that you are more powerful than you had previously realized.

Written by Dr. Arielle Schwartz, bestselling author of The Complex PTSD Workbook, this healing guide provides a step-by-step approach to trauma recovery that
- Mindfulness & yoga
- Somatic psychology
- EMDR therapy
- Parts work therapy
- Relational therapy

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The Post-

Traumatic Growth Guidebook … Practical Mind-Body Tools to Heal Trauma, Foster Resilience and Awaken Your Potential

Arielle Schwartz, PhD

Copyright © 2020 by Arielle Schwartz Published by PESI Publishing & Media PESI, Inc. 3839 White Ave. Eau Claire, WI 54703 Cover: Amy Rubenzer Editing: Jenessa Jackson, PhD Layout: Bookmasters, Amy Rubenzer ISBN: 9781683732679 All Rights Reserved. Printed in the United States of America

 pesipublishing.com

About the Author

Arielle Schwartz, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist and EMDR consultant with a private practice in Boulder, Colorado. She is a certified yoga instructor offering therapeutic yoga for trauma recovery. Her integrative approach to therapy includes the synthesis of existential therapy, Gestalt, structural integration theory, somatic psychology, and EMDR therapy—all with a strong relational foundation of care. She is dedicated to offering informational mental health and wellness updates through her writing, public speaking, social media presence, and blog. She is the author of The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole (Althea Press, 2016), The Post Traumatic Growth Guidebook: Practical Mind-Body Tools to Heal Trauma, Foster Resilience, and Awaken Your Potential. (PESI Publishing and Media, In Press), and co-author of EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychology: Interventions to Enhance Embodiment in Trauma Treatment (Schwartz & Maiberger, 2018, W. W. Norton). Dr. Schwartz is a teacher for the PESI 3-day Complex PTSD training, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional Level II: A

Comprehensive Approach to Accurately Assess and Effectively Treat Clients with Chronic, Repeated and/or Developmental Trauma. She teaches advanced workshops with the Maiberger Institute offering advanced workshops in EMDR therapy and somatic psychology, working with attachment injuries, treating chronic pain and illness. In her free time, Dr. Schwartz enjoys hiking in the Colorado mountains and relaxing with her husband and two children.

Dedication In gratitude to my ancestors. With respect for my children and the generations to come.

Table of Contents Foreword Acknowledgments Preface: A Personal Journey of Trauma, Resilience, and Growth What to Expect in This Book My Hero’s Journey A Personal Manifesto The Journey of Practices Chapter 1: The Invitation Start Where You Are Understanding Resilience and Post-Traumatic Growth Healing in Stages Seasons and Cycles Mind and Body in Healing The Neurobiology of Personal Transformation Healing in Relationships A Transformational Path Truth or Consequences Your Hero(ine)’s Journey Chapter Review

Chapter 2: Self-Discovery: Cultivating the Fertile Ground of Resilience Get Your Bearings Embodiment Slow and Steady Reclaim Your Inner Protector Nervous System Regulation Breathing into Balance Mobilization and Immobilization Grounding Build Your Boundaries Vulnerability is Strength Some Days Are Like That The Resilience Recipe Chapter Review Chapter 3: Transformation: Planting the Seeds of Potential Expansion and Contraction Riding the Waves of Change Overcoming Obstacles Trauma Reprocessing Alternating Your Attention Self-Sabotage to Self-Love Acceptance and Compassion Turning Toward Shame Somatic Repatterning A Light in the Dark

The Transgenerational Legacy No Mud, No Lotus Chapter Review Chapter 4: Awakening: Blooming into Post-Traumatic Growth From Pain to Possibility Passion and Purpose Will and Surrender Time to Rest Buried Treasure and Hidden Joys Art and Soul Claim Your Self-Worth Own Your Story Chapter Review Chapter 5: Self-Actualization: Tending to the Garden of Life Awaken to Your Potential The Return Finding Forgiveness Coming Home and Belonging From Conflict to Connection The Emotional Wake Giving Your Gifts Final Reflections References

Foreword

When I first met Dr. Arielle Schwartz 10 years ago, she was completing a doctorate in somatic psychology and expanding her practice as a somatic therapist. She came to talk with me about supervising her hours toward her psychologist license. I soon discovered that Arielle was trained in EMDR, taught this approach, and used it with many of her clients. I liked her very much, but was a bit skeptical about whether an existential therapist who dislikes protocols and behavioral approaches in general would be an appropriate supervisor for her practice. Dr. Schwartz has since then challenged this idea on my part and proven me completely wrong in my assumption about the incompatibility of existential therapy with EMDR as she teaches and practices it. Her balanced attention to body, mind, and spirit is impeccable. And she is herself a wonderful example of a person who has cultivated the kind of “authentic presence” that she sees as “so deeply needed in our world today.” Since I first met her, Dr. Schwartz has published two books that show how the integration of relationally-oriented depth therapy, EMDR, and somatic psychotherapy works in practice. I believe her perspective on these matters is quite compatible with existential therapy. The following statement, taken from this book, provides a kind of encapsulation of an existential approach to therapy in general and not just to trauma work: “The transformational work of healing from trauma asks you to embrace change – to live in limbo and stand in the transitional space between the person you have been in the past and the person you are becoming.” Good therapy needs to be a combination of safety and challenge–– and to support the

existential anxiety that always arises at moments of significant change. This book is the third in a series of excellent books illustrating Dr. Schwartz’s integrative approach to trauma. What I like so much about her approach in this book is its combination of practical and theoretical wisdom, human warmth, techniques for working with one’s own trauma history, and humility. Trauma is not something foreign that only deeply disturbed clients experience. It is a part of the human condition. Dr. Schwartz’s very personal preface is a masterpiece illustrating the use of self-revelation to encourage others, including one’s clients, in their journeys through life. I agree with Dr. Schwartz that most healers have also “walked through their own darkness.” If we are willing to access our own vulnerability in this regard, we can use this experience to cultivate authentic relatedness with clients dealing with their dark areas and experiences. We are all, as existentially-oriented psychoanalyst Robert Stolorow puts the matter, “brothers [or sisters] in that same darkness.” Dr. Schwartz uses Joseph Campbell’s idea of the “hero’s journey” as a motif throughout the book. Turning the deep scars of trauma into “post-traumatic growth” is indeed a hero’s journey. Part of the hero’s journey, in most myths, involves a descent into the underworld or confrontation with some dangerous situation. In the case of trauma, that underworld is the deep scars of developmental wounds or life threatening experiences. This book not only talks about how to navigate that world, but how to emerge again into the light of posttraumatic growth––to come back with the “treasure” that is one’s authentic self. This is a book equally useful to therapists and the general public. Behind its easily accessible style is a great deal of knowledge about the latest research and interventions for working with trauma. The book is actually a compendium of techniques, drawn from many approaches, for working with trauma. There are also innovations that might easily slip by the reader’s notice. Many of them make it easier for people who may not be working with a therapist to use these techniques safely and productively. For example, there is the threechair technique for working with the inner critic, which is obviously

inspired by Gestalt empty chair work, where two conflicting “parts” of the self are held by a third part that is identified as the person’s “wise self.” It provides a safe container for working with oneself outside the context of therapy. Of course, Dr. Schwartz is never reluctant to recommend therapy when the work gets too difficult or the person simply wants additional support. It is also possible for therapists to recommend this book without reservation to clients who want to do additional work on their own outside the therapy hour. Even in working with deep level trauma, there is always that “wise self” who can help out. Acknowledging this to clients is re-empowering and a significant impetus to post-traumatic growth––to reclaiming the lightness, openness to possibility, and playfulness that is our birthright. Betty Cannon, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist Author of Sartre and Psychoanalysis Founder of Applied Existential Psychotherapy (AEP)

Acknowledgments

This book has come into existence with the guidance and support of some very important people. I offer a deep bow of gratitude. First of all, to my husband, Bruce Feistner, for lovingly walking alongside me on this journey and enriching my life for over 20 years. To Eliana and Ian, my children, for being my greatest teachers; your love and creativity spark an infinite amount of joy in my soul. To my parents, for giving me life. Thank you to my mother, Carolyn Schwartz, for being the heroine of your own transformational journey, for being a model of a woman who can be both a devoted mother and therapist, and for encouraging me to listen to my dreams ever since I was a little child. In deep appreciation of my stepfather, Victor Goldman, for offering endless loving kindness, for being my first yoga teacher, and for offering feedback on the early versions of this book. Thank you to my father and stepmother, Stephen and Sherry Schwartz, for your love of travel, the natural world, and sharing your deep passion for protecting our planet. As a psychologist, I am continually moved and honored by the courage and openness of the individuals who allow me to walk by their side as their therapist. Thank you for teaching me about resilience and the human capacity to grow through adversity. I am equally indebted to the teachers, mentors, and colleagues who have guided my work in the world. I owe special gratitude to Betty Cannon for supporting me as my teacher and supervisor for over 10 years; your guidance in applied existential psychology is the heart of this book. Thank you to Susan Aposhyan and Christine Caldwell for both educating me and inviting me to teach somatic psychology; you planted seeds that have blossomed into a fruitful career path. I am

grateful to Jim Knipe, my EMDR consultant; you taught me the art of compassion in trauma treatment through your kindhearted presence. In appreciation of dear friends and colleagues Barb Maiberger, Robyn Hubbard, Linda Baird, Nick Kaplan, Donna Daniell, Mary Berneuth, Shyamaa Creaven, and Marcella Moy for generously supporting me and wholeheartedly believing in my voice. Collectively, you helped to encourage the therapeutic integration that defines my work and this book, namely: somatic psychology, EMDR therapy, depth psychology, interpersonal neurobiology, yoga therapy, existential psychotherapy, gestalt therapy, and positive psychology.

PREFACE

…

A Personal Journey of Trauma, Resilience, and Growth

In the Colorado foothills where I live, we have a path that traverses an area of the forest that burned down several years ago. Now, under the burnt remains of trees, lies a lush underbrush, bursting with new life that flourishes in the fertile earth. Each time I walk this trail I am reminded that even though traumatic life experiences can be devastating, they can also become a powerful force that awakens us to an undercurrent of our own aliveness. Painful events inevitably shape who we are, but it is essential that we learn to look beyond the blackened trees of our internal landscape and trust in our capacity for new growth. The work of trauma recovery is difficult, but this same work can uncover wisdom and awaken the heart. The motivation for writing this book comes from both personal and professional experiences. As a psychologist, I specialize in helping people recover from the pain of traumatic events. I have also walked my own healing path. These two roads have converged into a passion for resilience and post-traumatic growth. We adapt to adversity by orienting to our strengths, attending to our pain, and taking charge of the narrative that defines our lives. I believe that we all have the capacity to overcome adversity. However, this requires that we have compassionate support and intelligent guidance. Our injuries do not occur in a vacuum, so our healing cannot occur in one

either. Our hurts and losses need to be repaired interpersonally. We cannot heal alone. What to Expect in This Book I began writing the material for book as a series of weekly reflections that focused on themes related to my own healing journey and my observations as a therapist working with others. These reflections explore themes such as developing resources, building boundaries, attending to shame, working with the shadow, strengthening your resilience, cultivating self-compassion, and making meaning out of suffering. These separate, introspective moments of reflection have been strung together, culminating in a comprehensive and integrative mind-body approach to healing from trauma and cultivating your resilience. Each brief composition provides a practice that invites you to deepen self-awareness by journaling about the theme that has been shared. Within these chapters, you will be guided through 60 practices that illuminate a path to trauma recovery with effective, researchbased strategies that facilitate resilience and enhance post-traumatic growth. The initial practices in Chapters 1 and 2 encourage you to build resources that help you feel grounded, safe, and calm. Once you feel ready, Chapter 3 contains practices that focus on releasing the impact of painful losses or traumatic events. You will be guided to cultivate self-compassion and find freedom from the inner critic. Through the lens of resilience and post-traumatic growth, I invite you to see yourself as the hero or heroine of your own life journey. In Chapter 4, you will find practices that guide you to move beyond the pain of your past by helping you discover a sense of meaning and purpose in your life. You become the alchemist who is capable of turning the lead of difficult life experiences into the gold of selfawareness. And, when you feel prepared, Chapter 5 invites you to explore how you can give your unique gifts back to the world. Reading a book on trauma recovery is in itself an act of courage and resilience. You may have picked up this book to guide you on your own healing journey. Or, if you’re reading this book as a therapist, these words can provide guidance for your work. However,

most of us who work as healers have also had to walk through our own darkness. Therefore, this book is for all of us. Most importantly, the practices offered within this book are not just prescriptions for clients. Rather, they will help you to cultivate your authentic human presence—a quality that is so deeply needed in this world. There is no single right way to approach this book. If you are reading this book to guide you on your own healing journey, then you might choose to work with a psychotherapist trained in trauma recovery. Having support will be especially important if you have never been in therapy and are choosing to work through traumatic events for the first time. If you are a therapist, then you might use this book while working with individual clients. You will find a step-bystep approach to trauma recovery that integrates relational therapy, parts work therapy, EMDR therapy, somatic psychology, mindfulness, yoga, and strength-based psychotherapy. You can also apply this book within a group therapy format to facilitate a healing community based upon authenticity and compassion. Within this preface, I offer you a brief view of my own healing journey, which I share through the lens of a “hero’s journey”—a process which involves going into our own dark night of the soul on a quest for wholeness (Campbell, 2008). Sharing our personal stories is powerfully vulnerable. It can open us up to profound healing, both as the storyteller and as the witness to each other’s stories. Through my story, you will learn some of the challenges that I have faced and the resources that helped me overcome these obstacles. As you read this preface, I ask that you receive this story compassionately. I ask that you read slowly and allow yourself to sense your breath and feel your heartbeat. Perhaps you feel touched or moved by the words of my story. If so, I ask that you pause and take this moment as an opportunity to sense how the raw, tender, and beautiful moments can remind us of our shared humanity. My hope is that my story encourages you to find the courage to face your fears and emerge with your own self-discoveries. My Hero’s Journey

When I was in my early twenties, I felt lost to myself and in the world. I was anxious and depressed. I struggled with my health and sometimes felt as though I was living in a fog. Initially, I tried to ignore my pain, but I finally admitted to myself and others that I was struggling. This is when I stepped onto the healing path by entering into Jungian therapy. Through dream work I began my deep dive of opening up to the underworld of my psyche. I began to feel connected to a profound sense of inner strength and wisdom. As therapy progressed, I began to confront experiences of fear that I had as a child, which were fueling the anxiety that dominated my life. I recalled how the fights within my home led to a contentious divorce when I was 4 years old. By the time I was 7, my family had grown more complicated with stepparents and stepsiblings. As a sensitive child, I felt lost at sea amidst penetrating emotions of jealousy, resentment, anger, and abandonment. I remembered how my childhood home caught on fire when I was 7. My home had blackening soot that covered the walls—an external representation of how I felt internally. I was unable to process the magnitude of these painful events as they accumulated within me, causing my unprocessed grief to manifest physically. I had chronic sore throats, bronchitis, and asthma. By the time I was an adolescent, I felt immense despair. I coped by pushing people away, even those who cared for me. My posture, mood, and thoughts reflected the accumulated burdens of my childhood. I carried tension in my shoulders and upper back in the form of chronic nagging pain. My confidence and self-esteem suffered. Compensating for my vulnerabilities, I began to act out recklessly, which came to a tipping point when I was 15 years old. That summer, my family and I went on vacation to a seaside resort. I had snuck out of my hotel room one night and gone to the bar. This was no place for a 15-year-old; nonetheless, an older man bought me a drink and invited me to his place. These kinds of stories never end well. I woke up the next morning feeling immeasurable sadness and shame. I sat alone on a dock looking out over the ocean, feeling hopeless. I couldn’t see a way past my pain. Thankfully, the story does not end here. In fact, what happened next became a profound turning point in my life.

A man approached me and asked if he could sit next to me on the dock. I shrugged my shoulders. Apparently, he had been at the bar the night before and was concerned by what he had witnessed. More importantly, this complete stranger took the time to say something. He remarked that I seemed lost. I simply nodded as the tears began to pour down my checks. It was the first time I had cried in many years. He spoke about how our lives are like the boats we could see on the water. That we all need to orient toward a point on the horizon or we will hopelessly drift. He suggested that it was time for me to realize that I was here for a purpose. I listened and felt a tender release of my pain. He continued to speak about finding a balance between risk and safety. Too much risk sets us back. Too much safety and we can’t progress forward. It is remarkable how one courageous conversation can save a life. I never found out who this man by the ocean was and never saw him again. However, he helped me to discover an inner compass that would eventually help me come back to my true north. With time, therapy helped me gain traction and create more stability. Although my path forward wasn’t completely straight and narrow, I slowly began to emerge with greater confidence and hope. When I graduated from college, I accepted a position working for a wilderness therapy program in southern Utah. I spent the next two years working with adjudicated youth—adolescents who had also faced extensive challenges and gotten off track in their short lives. Through this experience, I got my first taste of how it felt to be a guide for others. One day, a friend invited me to attend a workshop on Body-Mind Centering, which is an integrative approach that focuses on how the mind is expressed through the body via movement. In one particular practice we were instructed to lay on our backs while gently, rhythmically rocking our bodies back and forth by pressing our feet into the floor. Suddenly, I was overtaken with tears as I reconnected to a felt experience I had known intuitively as a child. I remembered how I had coped with my chaotic childhood by rhythmically rocking myself to sleep until I felt a calm come over my body and mind. Rediscovering the healing power of movement initiated a quest to learn as much as I could about embodiment.

As I started on this quest, I left Utah for Massachusetts, where I completed yoga teacher training at the Kripalu Center. This experience taught me the importance of slowing down and becoming mindful, which helped me get in touch with how much I was still running away from myself. My quest for embodiment then continued to Naropa University, where I pursued a Master’s degree in somatic, or body-centered, psychology. The next three years of experiential, body-centered, therapeutic process involved profound personal transformation. I returned to therapy, where I released old beliefs, grieved losses, and let go of outgrown habits. I learned that having a history of trauma requires a slow, gentle approach to befriending the body. Shortly after graduation, I was in a car accident that totaled my vehicle. I stepped out of my vehicle stunned and shaken but grateful to be alive. As a somatic therapist, I knew the value of releasing the shock from my body and allowed my body to shake and tremble. However, in the months following the accident, my anxiety spiked. I became fearful of driving at night and began avoiding the intersection where it happened. Upon recommendation from a colleague, I sought out Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy and discovered a further unwinding of my childhood trauma through this process. I was so impressed with the power of this therapy that I entered a doctoral program in clinical psychology in order to integrate my professional interests and research the use of mind-body therapies. Within the next year, I got married and begin talking with my husband about having a child. However, only nine months after our wedding, there was another loss. My husband’s brother, a military pilot, was aboard a helicopter that went down. As if in a dream, we went to the memorial service, and three months later, my husband and I conceived our first child. Pregnancy and grief are a demanding combination. It was even more disorientating when I was told that our child’s due date was the one-year anniversary of my brother-inlaw’s death. Although I did go into labor on the anniversary of his death, our daughter arrived early the next morning. She had her own day, a new day. Through these events, I discovered that I was stronger than I had realized.

Since my hero’s journey began over 20 years ago, I have continued to walk a path of personal development. Initially, the nourishing and toxic events of my life were tangled together like a tightly wound ball of yarn. I couldn’t focus on the good experiences without feelings of restriction, repulsion, or resentment taking over. As I addressed my wounds, I noticed that it became easier to accept the love, care, and generosity that accompanied the difficult events of my childhood. I learned to surf the waves of painful emotions and embraced a capacity for joy and pleasure. I realized that attending to losses, disappointments, and the pain of traumatic events can eventually lead to acceptance. In all, it is the accumulation of many glorious and awful moments that shape us and make us who we are. It is important to embrace these complexities, for they enhance the unique expression of self that we offer to the world. Through this transformational work, I have also been able to acknowledge my own imperfections with humility and selfcompassion. Becoming a parent has helped me to accept that I will be an imperfect parent for my children. I recognize that my parents did the best they could with unresolved pain that had been passed down across generations. I carried these wounds in my fears, insecurities, and shame. I can’t change the past, but I can change myself. Perhaps, in doing so, I can create a different future for myself and my children. It takes great courage to walk this path. A hero’s journey is not a path that one walks alone. It has been said that it takes a village to raise a child. Likewise, it takes a village to navigate trauma recovery, especially when the trauma begins in childhood. Successful navigation of a hero’s journey provides opportunities to discover that we are more powerful than we had previously realized. And, as we come full circle, we have an opportunity to return to the world with these discoveries; these become the gifts that we can give to the world. I have spent many years reflecting upon the stranger who spoke to me at the seaside resort when I was 15 years old. For many years, I thought that this stranger was a guardian angel—maybe he was. He reminded me that I was here for a purpose. However, at this point in my life, I have come to believe that we are all meant to be

each other’s angels. I believe that we have endless opportunities to pay attention to each other and to respond with compassion. I believe that our personal growth is meant to serve a larger purpose. For me, this involves living with an open heart, being kind to others, and taking care of our earth. My hope is that this book will allow you to hear your own voice and align with your purpose. In closing, I share a poem that I wrote as part of my own healing process. May it serve as an invitation to enter the unknown territory of your own healing path. Into the Light I thought my work in the world was to carry the wound. Now I understand, to honor you is to release you. I release the dark shadows of our collective past, the pain, the fear, the loss, the insecurity, the lack of trust in humanity and in this world. Now, I understand, that to honor you is to release myself. All my ancestors, my grandmothers and grandfathers, all you have ever wanted is for me to become whole. You never wanted me to live inside the fear, to remain hidden, or to stay small. You have offered me this life. Now, it is my turn to step into the light. But, sometimes I am afraid, brought to my knees, swirling in between the comfort of a constricting, yet recognizable past and the uneasiness of an unpredictable future. How then, do I choose freedom? Oh, Great Unknown, You are my source of wisdom. I bow to you. You are here to help me grow,

to learn how to trust in this moment. I sit at your feet, a child of the world, with a soft smile, and an open heart. It is my turn to step into the light. A Personal Manifesto A personal manifesto is a statement of values, beliefs, and intentions that provide a guiding compass for life. You will have an opportunity to write your own personal manifesto at the conclusion of this book. To conclude this preface, I share my own personal manifesto with you. These are the principles that provide the motivation for this book. Thank you in advance for allowing me to be your guide. I treat myself and others with kindness, care, and respect. I attend to my emotional and mental well-being by being vulnerable enough to express my feelings and talk through difficult moments in life. I believe that all experiences, including the challenging ones, offer opportunities for growth and learning. I listen with care to the concerns or distress of others and respond with empathy by speaking from my heart. I live with integrity by admitting when I am wrong, asking for feedback from others, taking responsibility for ways that I have hurt others, and making amends whenever possible. I tread lightly by attending to the impact of my human footprint upon our earth. I am willing to learn from my mistakes. I protect myself and honor my sensitivity by honoring my boundaries and saying “no” as needed. I trust my intuition and listen to my inner voice. I focus on living in the present and offer my presence to the world. I engage in actions that enhance my physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual resilience each and every day. I consciously savor the pleasurable moments of life by taking time to be grateful and allowing myself to express joy, excitement, and happiness. I am willing to try new things even if I feel afraid. I know my

worth and express my strengths while encouraging others to do the same. I welcome guidance and support in my life and gratefully offer guidance and support for others.

The Journey of Practices 1: Mindfulness of the Moment 2: Reflecting on Resilience 3: Understanding the Path Ahead 4: The Seasons of Change 5: Self-Awareness of Symptoms 6: The 6 Rs of Healing Trauma 7: Therapy and the Healing Relationship 8: Relating to Change 9: Recognize and Replace Healing Myths 10: Hearing the Call 11: Reflect on Your Past 12: Orient to Your Present Circumstances 13: Looking Ahead to the Future 14: Sensing Your Body 15: Safe or Peaceful Place 16: Identify Your Allies 17: Create Your Container 18: Feeling Protected 19: Orienting to Safety 20: Balanced Breath 21: Relaxing Breath 22: Invigorating Breath 23: Reclaiming Safety in Mind and Body 24: Grounding into the Floor 25: Grounding in Nature 26: Grounding in Relationships

27: Body Awareness of Boundaries 28: Embracing Authenticity 29: Self-Acceptance 30: Create Your Resilience Recipe 31: Explore Your Window of Tolerance 32: Build Tolerance for Your Emotions 33: Develop an Empowerment Resource 34: Reprocessing the Past 35: Pendulation 36: Dialogue with Your Inner Critic 37: Self-Compassion 38: Embodied Compassion for Shame 39: Healing Through Movement 40: Working with a Story Memory 41: Working with an Unknown Memory 42: Transgenerational Healing 43: Working with the Shadow 44: Making Meaning Out of Suffering 45: Identifying Your Values 46: Exploring Your Strengths 47: Setting Your Intention 48: Relax and Restore 49: Enhancing Positive Emotions 50: Growing Through Gratitude 51: Creative Self-Expression 52: Claim Your Worth 53: Write Your Hero(ine)’s Journey 54: Create a Personal Meditation Practice 55: Loving-Kindness Meditation 56: The Forgiveness Letter 57: Giving and Receiving Support 58: Nonviolent Communication 59: Asking for Feedback 60: Write Your Personal Manifesto

CHAPTER 1

…

The Invitation

Traumatic life events come in many forms. Trauma can occur as a result of being raped, being in a car accident, having been a combat soldier, or having been exposed to an act of violence or terrorism. It can arise as a result of the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship. The experience of childhood abuse, neglect, or exposure to domestic violence can lead to relentless traumatic stress as well. Trauma can also occur as a result of environmental events that are increasingly occurring as part of climate change, such as a fires or floods. Or, in our complex political climate, trauma can result from the ongoing cultural barriers that many individuals must face, such as the stress of discrimination, oppression, or threats of deportation. There are also times when the causes of trauma symptoms are more difficult to understand. The traumatic event may have happened when someone was very young or it may have been shrouded in secrecy. Or it may have involved a series of small and almost imperceptible injuries that created an accumulated burden on the self. Regardless of the source of the trauma, it is important to realize that the very definition of trauma assumes that the person

experiencing it did not have the resources to handle the situation at the time that it occurred. Trauma makes people feel powerless, helpless, and groundless. It interferes with their ability to feel real in body and mind, and it disrupts their very sense of existence (Winnicott, 1990). If this distress remains unprocessed, it can lead to the development of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is associated with intrusive symptoms (e.g., nightmares, flashbacks), distorted beliefs surrounding the trauma, hyperarousal, and avoidance of people or places connected to the trauma. When trauma occurs as a result of chronic, repeated, and ongoing traumatic events—particularly in childhood or early adolescence—it can also result in complex PTSD (Schwartz, 2016), which involves more severe and widespread psychological harm. If you have experienced trauma, then you may have developed defenses to protect you from feeling your pain. Protective defenses take many forms. You may minimize your pain and pretend that you are fine when you aren’t. Or you may wear armor in the form of tension in your body, which helps you to build strong walls around your most vulnerable feelings. You may also protect yourself by pushing away those who care about you when they get too close. Or perhaps you carry inaccurate beliefs about yourself, such as “I’m not enough,” “I’m unworthy,” or “I’m too much.” These defense mechanisms can also take the form of becoming overly self-reliant or, conversely, overly dependent on others. Over time, the accumulation of these protective defenses can lead you to feel depressed, hopeless, helpless, or shut down. It is important to have support to work through the shakiness, panic, grief, disorientation, or numbness that arises as a result of traumatic events. Without sufficient support, the distressing symptoms will typically persist until you have an opportunity to process your experiences. Getting support often involves finding a therapist whom you trust to help you work through difficult memories and emotions. It is important to have hope and to know that experiencing a loss or traumatic event does not mean that you are destined to live a life of despair. You have the capacity to be resilient and courageous in the face of difficult life events. You can cultivate a meaningful, purposeful life.

This chapter provides you with an overview of the stages of healing, from the initial steps of self-awareness to the transformational work of trauma processing, and eventually toward awakening you to your potential. Acknowledging that you feel stuck is an important first step in asserting your readiness to heal. However, a healing journey is not linear. You might take a circuitous path, forging new trails as you loop around landmarks until they become familiar. While you may initially endeavor to find the end, you might discover that a healing journey is vast and unlimited. Nonetheless, you must start where you are. Each step of this guided journey is accomplished by focusing on the present moment, bringing awareness to your sensations, attending to your inner experience, and remembering to breathe. With that in mind, we begin. You have received the invitation. Are you ready to embark upon your hero’s journey? Start Where You Are In our modern, fast-paced world, autopilot can easily take over. We mindlessly multitask our way through the day while texting and scrolling through social media. We head from work to the gym and eat on the go. In contrast, to “start where you are” encourages you to live in the present moment. In Buddhism, this practice is referred to as beginner’s mind, which involves cultivating an attitude of openness and a willingness to learn as if each moment is new and fresh. You develop such a state by slowing down, focusing on the sensory details of your environment, bringing awareness to your body, and noticing your breath. To “start where you are” can become a daily mindfulness practice that builds a foundation of presence within you. You can start cultivating this practice by noticing the moment-to-moment changes in your thoughts, emotions, and sensations. Such awareness allows you recognize and attend to your emotional and physical needs as they occur. In this mindful pause, you learn to become curious about what best serves you right now. With this awareness, you may be more likely to put down your phone, go for a

walk, reach out to a friend, or simply focus on eating your dinner without any distractions. Mindfulness is not a religion, nor is it a forced activity. Being mindful is not about becoming enlightened, nor is it driven by an agenda. Rather, mindfulness asks you to reflect on yourself, your choices, and your interactions without judgment. It involves observing your experiences without labeling them as “good” or “bad.” Mindfulness is about acknowledging things just as they are. Approach this practice with patience and without pressure to be perfect. By adopting a nonjudgmental stance, you can view your strengths and vulnerabilities with equal acceptance—with the recognition that you are imperfectly and beautifully human.

1. Mindfulness of the Moment Take the next several minutes to cultivate an attitude of mindful awareness. Be curious and nonjudgmental about your experiences. What are the thoughts that you are having? Are you experiencing any emotions? What sensations are you noticing in your body right now? How is your breath moving through you? Do you feel energized or fatigued? If your mind is wandering (as minds inevitably do), notice where it takes you. Are you distracted by thoughts of the past or the future? That is okay. If possible, bring your attention back to your breath and to your sensations. There is no right or wrong response to this practice. This is just one moment in time. No single moment can define the totality of you. Take a few minutes to write about your observations on the following lines. You can return to this practice each and every day. ___________________________________________________ _________

Each day is an opportunity to begin again, to start where I am.

Understanding Resilience and Post-Traumatic Growth Resilience is defined as the ability to flexibly adapt to challenging, adverse, or traumatic life events (Luthar, 2003). This ability to “bounce back” from traumatic events is deeply connected to having the opportunity to work through difficult life experiences, as growth and wisdom can be gained out of the darkness. Resilience is not a trait that you either have or do not have; rather, it is a set of strategies that can be learned and practiced (Maddi, 2013). Importantly, resilience is also not the same as optimism. In fact, being overly focused on positivity and happiness has its drawbacks. Sometimes, trying to stay positive can override your authentic feelings and leave you feeling ashamed about the very symptoms that require compassionate and caring attention. Rather, resilience is grounded in realistic optimism, which involves maintaining a positive outlook on life while simultaneously acknowledging the challenges that will occur along the way. Too much realism can lead to skepticism or negativity, which can squash your dreams and hinder your ability to move forward. Similarly, too much optimism can result in fantasy or idealism, which can cause you to turn a blind eye to actual barriers that are present in your life. In contrast, realistic optimism allows you to have your dreams while also setting attainable goals about how to achieve them. From here you are better able to acknowledge any potential barriers that might get in the way without becoming immobilized. Having a hopeful perspective is invaluable in trauma recovery, and realistic optimism will help you take the necessary steps to walk the healing path. You can foster resilience by focusing your attention to that which supports your physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual wellbeing (McGonigal, 2015). You can build physical resilience by getting enough exercise, eating a healthy diet, and attending to the impact that traumatic life events have had on your body. You can build mental resilience by adopting a mindset that recognizes your capacity to grow, even through challenges. You can build emotional resilience by processing traumatic events in therapy and through personal journaling. You can build social resilience by staying connected to other people instead of isolating. You can build spiritual

resilience by attending to a deeper sense of personal meaning and purpose. Most importantly, you support your resilience with the belief that your choices and behaviors make a difference in the outcome of your life. This gives you the confidence that you are in charge of actively creating opportunities that allow you to overcome barriers in your life. Resilience is both a process and an outcome. As a process, resilience involves engaging in behaviors that support your wellbeing each and every day. For example, you might go to therapy, learn to meditate, write in a journal, take daily walks in nature, or develop a creative practice. In doing so, you learn to turn toward uncomfortable emotions and sensations. You have an opportunity to realize that feeling and expressing painful emotions is part of the path of self-discovery. Being resilient does not mean that you won’t experience difficulty. Rather, it means that you can cultivate the skills needed to respond effectively to difficult experiences. You learn to break down overwhelming experiences into smaller, more accessible chunks, which allows you to gradually process painful events. You learn to attend to difficult life events of your past without allowing your history to define you. In this way, you expand your lens to focus on possibilities instead of just problems. As an outcome, resilience involves experiencing yourself as capable of handling life’s challenges and the choices you’ve made that determine the outcome of your life. You are able to look at your most difficult events and say, “This happened to me—and it is over now.” Turning toward pain builds character. It provides you with an opportunity to realize that you are stronger than you previously believed, which facilitates post-traumatic growth (Tedeschi et al., 2018). As you feel stronger, you are more likely to see yourself as able to bring your gifts and contributions to the world. In turn, you are more likely to accept yourself as you are, have an increased appreciation for life, develop new interests or passions, and discover a new spiritual framework for your life. Just as the phoenix rises from the ashes, you have the capacity to rise again.

2. Reflecting on Resilience Take some time to reflect upon and write about your own resilience and post-traumatic growth. In what ways do you already feel capable of handling the challenges that you have faced in your life? Do you have a tendency to isolate or do you reach out when you feel vulnerable? Do you notice that you have difficulty maintaining a hopeful outlook in your life? Do you believe that your decisions and actions make a difference? What additional supports do you need to help you respond in a flexible or adaptive manner to the challenges in your life? ___________________________________________________ _________

I am capable of growth, even in the face of challenge. I am resilient.

Healing in Stages Traumatic events tend to evoke profound questions. Perhaps you wonder why things happened or why you responded the way that you did. Maybe you don’t understand why you are still reacting to something that happened a long time ago. Or you might question

whether you can stay open to life knowing that loss or pain can and will happen again. You can find resolution with these questions and get on the path to healing by seeking out trauma treatment, which occurs in three stages (Herman, 1992). The first stage involves developing the resources to handle challenging emotions, disturbing symptoms, and distressing memories. The goal is to reestablish a sense of safety and stability. Perhaps you feel stuck in high alert, unable to relax, or locked down in exhaustion. These symptoms indicate that you need resources to stabilize your symptoms and restore a sense of safety in the here-and-now. Resources include the people and personal practices that help you feel confident, calm, clear, grounded, empowered, and supported. Within this book, you will find practices to help you find stability as you prepare to process traumatic experiences. The second stage of trauma treatment involves processing the emotions, sensations, memories, and beliefs associated with the trauma. The goal is to restructure the role that the trauma has played in your life and, in turn, lessen its emotional impact. Most often, this requires a supportive relationship with a psychotherapist who is trained in working with trauma. By processing the traumatic event, you free yourself from the negative beliefs, emotions, and somatic experiences associated with the trauma. Working through traumatic events can feel as though you are walking into a transformational fire. This fire has the power to help you burn away limiting beliefs and unhealthy behaviors. It is normal to feel afraid of this process. Therefore, the practices in this book will help you to let go of your defenses at a pace that you can tolerate. In time, you can learn to trust that releasing these remnants of your painful past allows for new growth. The third stage of trauma recovery focuses on creating a new sense of self that is not defined by the trauma. The goal is to reconnect with other people, engage in meaningful activities, and lead a life worth living. Although this is where traditional trauma therapy comes to a close, this book invites you to walk further on the transformational path by reflecting on your values, passions, and purpose. For example, you might feel a longing to

open yourself up in relationships, to share the knowledge you have gained by mentoring others, or to give back by contributing to society. Here lies the intersection between personal healing, the well-being of your community, and the health of our planet. It is important to remember that the healing path is not linear. There is no stage of trauma recovery that is better or worse than any other. Healing does not exist on a hierarchy, and there is no rush to a finish line. Moreover, growth is often uneven. You might discover parts of yourself that feel tender and in need of care, whereas other more resolved parts are ready to expand and grow.

3. Understanding the Path Ahead Reflect upon your own relationship to the stages of healing from trauma. Are you currently feeling overwhelmed or in the midst of a crisis? If so, you will want to take your time getting support and building your resources. Alternatively, perhaps you have established a feeling of stability and are ready to work with your traumatic memories. Perhaps you are at a stage where you feel ready to spread your wings and fly. Or maybe you find yourself relating to more than one stage. This is equally valid. Take several minutes to reflect upon and write about your relationship to these stages of growth. ___________________________________________________ _________

I can heal, one step at a time.

Seasons and Cycles The seasons in our natural world offer many rich metaphors for healing. These seasons exist around you and within you. Once again, we see that each stage of growth has its own timing.

Recognizing these rhythms and cycles can help you orient to the tasks of growth and change. Autumn can be seen as an invitation to let go and release that which no longer serves you, like the trees releasing the leaves from last season. If you are in a personal season of autumn, then you might discover that it is time to let go of something that is preventing you from growing. Perhaps this is a time to let go of the beliefs or behaviors that keep you small, such as doubting your self-worth or living inside of fear. These beliefs may have once helped you survive, but they are no longer needed. Winter asks you to embrace the darkness and to connect internally with yourself. If you are in a personal season of winter, then you might feel drawn to honor your need for stillness and quiet. Like the bear in hibernation, you might feel the desire to draw your attention inside and rest. During this time of the year, the sun sits lower in the sky, casting longer shadows. Maybe this is a time to reflect upon your own shadow—the parts of yourself that can sometimes be denied. This might be a time where you attend to the pain of traumatic memories. An extended period of darkness can also ask you to trust that all things have their own timing and that your healing cannot be rushed. Spring invites you to plant new seeds and embrace the tender shoots of new growth. If you are in a personal season of spring, then you might notice feelings of readiness for something more. You may feel reenergized or sense an emerging spark of creativity. Sometimes new growth can bring feelings of excitement or anxiety. You may discover new parts of you that are reaching toward the light of your awareness. The intensity of this awakening might evoke a quickening—a sense of urgency as you make way for the new life that is ready to be born within you. Summer provides an opportunity to expand into your full bloom. If you are in a personal season of summer, then you might explore the parts of you that are ready to express their full potential. This season is an expansive time. However, under the hot summer sun, everything grows, including flowers and weeds. Although weeds are not inherently bad, you may not want them in your garden. Given this, it is wise to choose carefully where you place your energy so

that you grow the thoughts and actions that support your true self. Allow yourself to shine the light of your awareness on that which you want to grow and flourish. The length of time that you spend in any season can vary. Sometimes a personal season might only last for a few minutes or days. For example, you might feel temporarily elated and expansive after taking a healthy risk in your life. However, you might notice a subsequent period of contraction that can lead to another wintery cycle of self-reflection. Other times you might be working through a dominant season across several years. You might also discover that you are in different seasons across personal, social, and professional domains of your life. These cycles might overlap easily, or you might sense conflicting needs within yourself. Most importantly, the practice of honoring these seasons can help you trust the phases that accompany trauma recovery.

4. The Seasons of Change Take a few minutes to reflect on the seasons and their metaphors. Is there a season that most reflects your life right now? Can you recall times in which other seasons were primary? Are there seasons that feel easier for you? Are there seasons that you experience as more difficult or uncomfortable? Do you notice if different seasons dominate your personal life, relationships, and work? What does this exploration help you learn about yourself? Take some time to write your responses to these questions. ___________________________________________________ _________

I honor the seasons and cycles of my life.

Mind and Body in Healing Recall that the definition of resilience is the ability to flexibly adapt to challenging, adverse, or traumatic life events. Importantly, resilience is not just a mindset or a set of behaviors. The human body is also equipped with an innate physiological resilience system, which

is your autonomic nervous system. Your breathing, heart rate, and body temperature are regulated by this system. As you can imagine, your autonomic nervous system can function without you having to think about it consciously. According to Dr. Stephen Porges’s Polyvagal Theory (2011), the autonomic nervous system comprises a three-part hierarchical structure: the dorsal vagal system, the sympathetic nervous system, and the ventral vagal system. Dr. Porges describes how our nervous system develops phylogenically, in other words, we can observe evolutionary stages within our human brain and physiology. For example, the dorsal vagal system is a primitive and evolutionarily older defensive response set that is reflective of the way in which reptiles respond to threats by immobilizing. We also have our sympathetic nervous system which reflects how mammals respond to fear by running away or fighting in self-defense. Finally, the ventral vagal system is the most recently evolved portion of the nervous system. The social nervous system leads us to seek social connection to restore a sense of safety. It is the branch of the parasympathetic nervous system that helps you relax and connect to others when you feel safe. You know that your social engagement system is activated when you feel a warmth in your smile or a sparkle in your eyes. The Polyvagal Theory system is hierarchical in that each branch of the nervous system is activated sequentially in response to the perceived safety of the environment. When we feel threatened, we initially attempt to reestablish a sense of safety and connection through the social engagement system. If this is unsuccessful, we typically engage the sympathetic nervous system, which prepares us to flee the dangerous situation or fight off the threat. However, if the situation feels overwhelming with no way out, then the dorsal vagal complex becomes activated, which engages a primitive expression of the parasympathetic nervous system and causes a “shut down” or immobilization response to occur. Importantly, unresolved traumatic stress disrupts equilibrium in the autonomic nervous system, causing an imbalance between the sympathetic and parasympathetic functions. In particular, you might be caught in a chronic state of “fight or flight,” which can lead to high

levels of anxiety, stress, or panic. Alternatively, you might be stuck in chronic “shut down” mode, which can lead to feelings of fatigue, depression, fogginess, dizziness, or nausea. These imbalances can also disrupt physical health, as chronic activation of the sympathetic nervous system can lead to high blood pressure, blood sugar imbalances, increased cravings for salty or sugary snacks, obesity, sluggish digestion, and a suppressed immune system. Similarly, when the dorsal vagal complex is engaged for extended periods of time, it can lead to digestive disturbances (e.g., gastric reflux or irritable bowel syndrome), chronic pain (e.g., migraine headaches or fibromyalgia), and the development of autoimmune disorders. The good news is that the practices provided in this book can help you to find balance in these systems. While your autonomic nervous system can function without you having to think about it consciously, you can learn tools that allow you to consciously influence your physiology. Throughout this book, you will be guided to explore a variety of mind-body therapies that can help regulate your nervous system and strengthen your mental and physical health. Most importantly, it is the repeated practice of these tools that creates change.

5. Self-Awareness of Symptoms Explore how traumatic stress shows up in your mind and body using the following self-assessment checklist of mental, emotional, and physiological symptoms. This first group of symptoms indicates that your sympathetic nervous system may be stuck in defensive mode. • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

I find myself thinking about the trauma at inconvenient times. I expect the worst to happen. I have difficulty relaxing or sleeping. I feel irritable or angry often. I sometimes cry uncontrollably or feel completely overwhelmed. I feel restless or jittery. I feel anxious or panicky. I have nightmares or wake up in a fright. I experience daytime “flashbacks.” I feel “on guard” or hyperaware of people’s body language or tone of voice. I experience shortness of breath or feel like I cannot get enough oxygen. I feel my heart beating rapidly or feel pains in my chest. I sweat profusely. I have frequent food cravings for sweet or salty foods.

• • • • •

I have a hard time regulating my blood sugar. I get frequent colds. I grind my teeth or clench my jaw. I experience muscle tension in my arms and legs. I have difficulty focusing my mind at work or in school.

This second grouping of symptoms is related to your parasympathetic nervous system’s more primitive dorsal vagal complex. • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

I often feel tired or lethargic. I feel hopeless or depressed. I feel emotionally dull or numb. I feel ineffective or powerless. I feel shame or unworthiness. I feel foggy or dizzy. I feel disoriented. I have difficulty remembering things. I find it difficult to talk sometimes. I sometimes “go away.” I have indigestion or acid reflux. I often feel nauseous. After eating, I have indigestion or diarrhea. I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition.

Perhaps you notice that you alternate between these two types of symptoms—for example, being keyed up sometimes and exhausted at other times. Take some time to write about your experiences here with an intention of increasing self-awareness of your symptoms. ___________________________________________________ _________

Self-knowledge about my body and mind provides a foundation for my healing.

The Neurobiology of Personal Transformation When beginning the transformational work of processing through trauma, it is important to enter this work with the knowledge that change is possible. Talking about difficult memories takes courage. You might wonder what the point of rehashing the past or stirring up painful feelings is. Or you might feel worse in the beginning phases, when you initially start to confront traumatic memories, and wonder if it is worth all the hard work. You might not see a way through your pain. However, the neurobiology of personal transformation helps to illuminate the path to healing. Research indicates that it is possible to change your brain’s neurocircuitry, as your brain changes every time you learn something new (Amen, 2015; Doige, 2007). Even more heartening is the fact that changes to the brain occur continuously throughout your entire lifespan—a process referred to as neuroplasticity. What does changing the brain look like? Your memories are stored in neural networks, which are groups of brain cells called neurons that fire together (Siegel, 1999). Because these neural networks are malleable, when you recall a traumatic memory in a new, safe context, you can change how this memory is stored in your brain. Ideally, the neural networks of your memories connect across various areas of your brain. This is called memory consolidation, and it allows each singular event to become integrated with the thousands of other previous experiences already held within your brain. For example, the right hemisphere of the brain is more likely to hold negative perceptions and emotions about the past, whereas the left hemisphere is specialized for positive emotions. Neural networks that communicate across the left and right hemispheres of the brain can help you express your feelings with words and integrate positive and negative perceptions of the past. In contrast, traumatic memories can be thought of as impaired encoding of neural

networks. These memories are not integrated with positive experiences and are limited in their ability to accommodate new information. This disconnection can impair your ability to be emotionally or cognitively flexible when thinking about difficult life events. In order to modify these maladaptive neural networks, it is necessary to connect the distressing images, thoughts, sensations, and emotions associated with the trauma to your positive resources. You can do so by reprocessing the trauma memory with EMDR therapy (Shapiro, 2018), which helps you change how the memory is stored in your brain. Lasting change happens as you become more aware of the trauma and release the hold that it has on your body (van der Kolk, 2015). Working through the trauma memory allows you to feel freedom in your body and gives you a greater sense of choice about the narrative that defines your past and your future. Throughout this book, you will explore trauma recovery from the perspective of both neuroscience and psychological research. I offer an introduction to the integrative mind-body approach to healing that is offered in this book using the following 6 Rs: Relating, Resourcing, Reprocessing, Repatterning, Reflecting, and Resilience. Let’s take a closer look. •

Relating: One of the most profound ways that we rewire the brain is through a healing relationship, one that allows us to feel cared for and understood. According to Louis Cozolino (2010), author of The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy, our brains are wired for connection, are strengthened by connection, and cannot be fully understood outside of the context of relationships. Furthermore, a supportive therapeutic relationship helps you to connect to your social engagement system. Here you use the resource of a relationship to establish that you are safe and connected while you work through traumatic memories. Moreover, through healthy relationships, we have an opportunity to rewire how the brain maintains our memories of our earliest attachment wounds.

•

Resourcing: The initial stage of healing from trauma focuses on strengthening the neural networks associated with positive sensations, emotions, and cognitions. These resources might include moments of loving others, feeling loved by others, feeling comforted or protected, feeling competent or successful, or recalling experiences of safety, peace, or relaxation. Resources can also involve breath, movement, and embodied states that help you feel strong and empowered. Each positive state initiates a release of your natural feel-good chemicals by increasing dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins. Through repeated practice, you can strengthen the neural networks associated with positive sensations, emotions, and cognitions in preparation for trauma reprocessing.

•

Reprocessing: Reprocessing involves recalling a traumatic event and the related images, beliefs, emotions, and feelings in your body. Doing so reactivates the neural networks associated with that event and allows you to focus on finding reparative experiences that facilitate integration and resolution of the traumatic event (Shapiro 2018). As you reprocess the trauma, you also have an opportunity to challenge faulty beliefs by offering your knowledge of factual information that contradicts these beliefs. Even more importantly, you can arrive at new conclusions about your past and discover new possibilities for your future. Once you have successfully reprocessed the trauma memory, you have an opportunity to change how it is held in your brain and body.

•

Repatterning: Healing from trauma requires more than modifying the neural networks in your brain. In particular, it is equally important to attend to the impact of traumatic events on the body. Trauma resolution involves

integrating new movement resources that may not have been available to you at the time of the traumatic event. For example, if you weren’t able to run away from a dangerous situation, then you might feel the impulse to move your legs when you think about that situation now. Sometimes, somatic repatterning can result in trembling or shaking in your arms and legs. This is a sign that you are releasing traumatic activation from your body. •

Reflecting: Trauma asks you to come to terms with the lack of reason or overpowering senselessness that often surrounds acts of violence, abuse, or even natural disasters. It can feel nearly impossible to comprehend such events, especially when they are delivered by fellow humans. However, this is the task set before you: to reflect upon your unique life experiences and begin to develop a personal sense of meaning. Although meaning making is a very personal process, it is also best served when held in connection to another person. For example, within a trusting and compassionate relationship, such as with a therapist, you might engage in a search for meaning together. The more difficult the challenge, the harder you will have to work to find your inner strength, courage, or sense of hope. Most importantly, you have the freedom to reflect on the meaning that you attribute to your life. Ultimately, this gives you the power to choose how you respond to your circumstances.

•

Resilience: As previously discussed, the autonomic nervous system serves as the body’s own physiological resilience system. You can increase the health of your brain (and increase your autonomic nervous system’s innate capacity for resiliency) by engaging your ventral vagal system. When driving a car, if you press on the brakes too quickly, you will come to a hard, fast stop. This is what happens when we move abruptly between the

sympathetic nervous system and the dorsal vagal system. In contrast, your ventral vagal system allows you to “slow down” when you feel amped up, or to “rev the engine” when you feel shut down or immobilized. The most direct way to engage your ventral vagal system is through the breath, although mind-body therapies such as yoga, meditation, or relaxation can also help you to simultaneously attend to your emotions, thoughts, and body sensations. Throughout this book, you will be guided through practices based upon the 6 Rs. It is possible to find freedom from the impact of traumatic events.

6. The 6 Rs of Healing Trauma Take a moment to reflect upon this explanation of the neurobiology of personal transformation. Do you have an increased sense of the path forward? In what ways have you already had experiences with the 6 Rs of Relating, Resourcing, Reprocessing, Repatterning, Reflecting, and Resilience? Knowing that you will be walking through these steps in the chapters that follow, how do you feel about the process of healing? Take some time to write your thoughts below. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am empowered by knowledge to take an active role in healing from trauma.

Healing in Relationships Connection is at the core of human experience. We all share the need to be seen and understood. We have the desire to belong and to experience ourselves within the context of loving, nurturing relationships. If you experienced childhood neglect or abuse, this

can betray your trust in others and impair your ability to form healthy relationships into adulthood. This is because we tend to recreate relationships that match what we know. For example, if deep inside we expect to be rejected, then we might choose partners who are rejecting, or we might behave in ways that lead people to reject us. We then use these experiences to reinforce our core beliefs about ourselves. Recall that the brain and body cannot be fully understood outside of the context of relationships (Cozolino, 2010). In fact, our very sense of self develops in early childhood at a time when we are completely dependent upon others to help us feel safe, connected, and calm. Ideally, parents and caregivers are caring and wellattuned, which helps us develop a secure attachment. The term “attachment” refers to the emotional security that is built between a parent and infant, which provides a foundation for our sense of self. Secure attachment forms when caregivers are predictable, consistent, safe, and capable of sensitively responding to the needs of a young child. Of course, parents don’t need to be perfect; they only need to be “good-enough” (Winnicott, 1990). But, what if this good-enough situation was not available for you? What if the care you received was inconsistent or unreliable? What if you experienced toxic amounts of stress, abuse, or neglect? What if, when you felt afraid as a child, your mom or dad became angry instead of comforting you? These situations can all result in a variety of attachment wounds that lead to anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles. For example, children who had a parent who was unpredictable, inconsistent, or intrusive may develop an anxious attachment style. As adults, they tend to suffer from abandonment anxiety or a sense that relationships are unreliable. In contrast, children who grew up with a parent who was distant, disengaged, or rejecting may develop an avoidant attachment style. As adults, they tend to compensate by becoming overly self-reliant, withdrawing from others, and avoiding intimacy. Finally, children who grew up with a parent who was threatening, chaotic, and abusive may develop a disorganized attachment style. Growing up in an abusive household creates an extraordinary dilemma for a child who is caught between a biological drive to seek closeness with the very

parent who is also a source of terror. As adults, they are likely to repeat the very dynamics that parallel their childhood experience. They might choose abusive partners, or they might act abusive because it feels familiar. These insecure attachment patterns contribute to long-lasting patterns of emotional and physiological distress that interfere with intimacy, parenting, and meaningful friendships. If you have attachment wounds, psychotherapy is instrumental in helping you heal and form healthy relationships as an adult. However, therapy that focuses solely on talking and skill building can be limited because this approach is not as transferable to the relational world. In contrast, healing early developmental trauma requires paying attention to the relational exchange between you and the therapist. When looking for a therapist, it is important to find someone with whom you feel safe. In a trusting relationship, you can share your fears, make mistakes, be vulnerable, and, most importantly, learn that you will not be rejected or harmed. It is important to recognize that even competent therapists will make mistakes sometimes. They might inadvertently reject your subtle longings for connection and amplify feelings of rejection. Without a relational approach, though, these ruptures will not be adequately addressed or repaired in therapy, which can result in feelings of confusion and lead you to lose faith in therapy over time. Ideally, the therapist you choose offers a firm commitment to the process of repair and encourages you to do the same until you both successfully achieve reconnection. This process of tolerating stress and disconnection tones your nervous system and helps you to form new expectations about relationships outside of therapy. Healing attachment wounds also requires attending to the body. Within this process, you develop a capacity to notice moment-bymoment changes in a variety of sensory experiences in your body, including feelings of tension, changes in temperature, or energy levels. For example, you might notice a pressure building in your chest or a tightness in your throat when talking about events from your childhood. Rather than overriding these signals, you learn to slow down the process and pay attention.

Healing early attachment wounds takes time. It is not easy to feel the pain of loss, rejection, or abandonment. It is also common to feel shame around these experiences. However, it is possible to heal, whether from a single traumatic event or from the complex wounds that accompany ongoing child abuse or neglect. In truth, we all have relationship vulnerabilities and imperfect attachments to varying degrees. As a result, we all need each other to heal the wounds of the painful disconnections from the past. Remember, you are not alone.

7. Therapy and the Healing Relationship If you are already in psychotherapy, then you probably already know how important your therapist is during the process of healing trauma. If you are not currently working with a therapist, then you can think of this person as an ally or guide for your hero’s journey. If you have lost faith in therapy or have never been in therapy, then you might wonder how to find the right therapist for you. If you want someone who focuses on healing trauma, you can look for someone trained in EMDR. You might also look for someone trained in somatic psychology who can help you work with body sensations related to your traumatic experiences. In some areas, you can find someone who uses an integrative approach that combines several approaches. When seeking a therapist, it is important to know that you can interview several practitioners until you find someone with whom you feel comfortable to be yourself. Most importantly, when you sit with a potential therapist, trust your intuition. While this person is new to you and it is normal to feel nervous, ask yourself if you feel safe enough. How do you feel in your body? Do you resonate with the way that they express care? Take several minutes to write about your historical or current experiences in therapy. What has worked for you? What hasn’t worked? Or, if you have not begun working with a therapist, take

some time to reflect upon the kind of therapy you would like to have to support your healing journey. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am capable of finding the therapeutic support that is right for me.

A Transformational Path The transformational work of healing from trauma asks you to embrace change—to live in limbo and stand in the transitional space between the person you have been in the past and the person you are becoming. Transformation might initially feel as if you are falling apart, like you are experiencing a breakdown and not a breakthrough. This process can feel unsettling, indeterminate, and undefined. It is common to feel afraid if you sense that change is coming. You simply cannot see what lies around the next bend. However, transitional spaces are also full of potential. While you may feel as though life is pulling you backward, imagine that like the arrow held by the bow, life is actually preparing you to fly forward. What if that scary feeling is actually getting you ready for an updated version of yourself and your life? It is common to experience a combination of trepidation and excitement during a transformational process. Like the caterpillar changing into a butterfly, you too must let go of old forms and enter into the unknown in order to emerge anew. While inside the chrysalis, you can learn to recognize that you are living inside of a transitional space between the past and the person you are becoming. Living within an undefined and indeterminate reality can feel unsettling, but over time you become more comfortable with letting go and surrendering to the inevitable changes that accompany life.

This transformational path might take time, but recovery is possible. Just like planting a garden, you must start by preparing the earth so the soil can support the seeds in growing. With proper light, water, and nutrients, the seeds can grow and thrive. Similarly, you can prepare yourself to undertake this transformational journey by reflecting on your current relationships, the kinds of support that you have in your life, and the degree to which you feel understood. Sometimes you might need to make changes to your environment, such as surrounding yourself with people who support you in becoming the best version of yourself. Or you may need to change how you treat your body by embracing new ways of eating, exercising, or sleeping. In doing so, you learn to take an active role in your healing journey by building your capacity to tolerate small amounts of discomfort and change. The mindfulness practices offered throughout this book will help you to learn that difficult experiences do not necessitate reactivity. You learn to become the witness to your mental and emotional reactions and cultivate a connection to your inner source of wisdom. These changes are worth it; you are worth it.

8. Relating to Change Take some time to reflect on your relationship to the concept of change. Can you identify changes that you would like to make? Are you aware of ways in which you are frightened of change? Can you identify the kind of support or resources that would help you feel safe enough to embrace change? What helps you to trust the unknown? ___________________________________________________ _________

With support, I can step into the unknown.

Truth or Consequences There is a small town in New Mexico called Truth or Consequences that is known for its unusual name and for the healing hot springs that the town is built around. When driving through there, I am always reminded of the consequences that can arise when we are deceived or misled. Unfortunately, many of us have been misled about the process of healing from trauma. These misconceptions or myths are not only untrue, but they also create confusion and can

interfere with healing. By confronting these healing myths in ourselves, we have an opportunity to develop affirmations that support the healing journey. One such myth is that time heals all wounds. The idea that it simply takes time to heal is a concerning misunderstanding about what is required to recover from trauma. While time can lessen the intensity of pain, you need to take an active role in your healing process in order to recover from trauma. This might involve creating a safe space to talk about difficult life events, to experience related emotions, and to turn toward your pain rather than avoiding it. You cannot simply let time pass by and expect healing to follow. A second myth is the idea that you must aggressively confront the most disturbing parts of traumatic events by reviewing them in great detail. Exposure techniques can be too direct for many individuals and, in some cases, they can lead to retraumatization. A balanced approach to healing involves building sufficient resources that help you skillfully respond to the disturbing emotions and sensations that arise when you think about traumatic memories. It is important that you feel safe with your therapist so that the two of you can work together to understand your current social situation, including the presence of support systems or recent stressors. This will help you to find an appropriate pace to your healing journey. Most importantly, know that you can heal the past without becoming overwhelmed in the process. A third myth is the belief that you “should be over this by now.” If you struggle after a traumatic event or do not rebound quickly, you might feel as though there is something wrong with you. In reality, most people feel frightened or shocked after exposure to a traumatic event. It is a normal human reaction. The fact that you are hurting is not a sign that you are doing anything wrong. Talking about your loss might bring difficult feelings to the surface, but it does not mean that you are perpetuating your pain. In actuality, when you have sufficient resources, staying engaged with difficult feelings is essential to healing. Remember that you are in charge of the pace of your healing journey and that you can build your resources to increase your capacity to effectively respond to your vulnerable emotions. There is no timeline for healing from traumatic life events.

Rest assured, actively engaging in your healing process will ultimately help you recover.

9. Recognize and Replace Healing Myths Take a few minutes to look over the healing myths presented earlier. Use this space to talk about the ones you relate to or to describe any other unlisted myths that interfere with your ability to heal. Reflect on how the following positive statements support your healing journey: “I am taking an active role in my healing,” “I trust my own pacing and timing,” and “Having feelings is a sign of strength.” You can also experiment with creating your own positive statements. How does it feel to release unrealistic expectations about yourself and replace these myths with new, positive messages that support your healing journey? ___________________________________________________ _________

I embrace positive messages to support my healing journey.

Your Hero(ine)’s Journey

American mythologist Joseph Campbell (2008) describes personal transformation as a hero’s journey. The hero must enter the darkness, face challenges, slay the dragon, retrieve the treasure, and emerge stronger. As applied to trauma recovery, we understand that challenging life events can also serve as a call to enter the hero’s journey. You may feel as though you have been thrown into an abyss. The dragons you must slay are the inner demons that remain as a result of the painful memories from your past. You walk into the darkness in order retrieve the treasures that exist within you, such as inner strength, wisdom, and hope. You emerge with an enhanced sense of meaning and purpose, which become the gifts that you have to offer to the world. Campbell described the hero’s journey as a “monomyth,” which serves as a blueprint for many of our fairytales, books, and movies. The monomyth is described as a cycle that begins with a phase of freedom and innocence. This period of ease is tragically disrupted by a crisis that sends the hero into exile. To overcome these challenges, the hero must seek out the resources needed to face his fears and inner demons. Eventually, the hero saves the princess, retrieves the treasure, and returns to the community with new gifts and healing capabilities. Transformed by this journey, the hero becomes a mature adult capable of holding complex feelings and ideas in a world that can cause harm. Eventually, the hero comes full circle and can become a leader, healer, or guide for others. Perhaps you can relate to this journey in your own life. Maybe you’ve been launched into crisis due to a shocking traumatic event, the end of a relationship, or a debilitating physical illness. Or maybe your journey was set in motion as a result of childhood abuse or neglect. The hero’s journey can guide your process of trauma recovery by encouraging you to transform your pain into a source of wisdom. You might have uncomfortable places that you don’t like to acknowledge or feel. As a result, you might want to reject the call to enter the hero’s journey. The desire to avoid peering into the darkness is normal. It is human instinct to move away from pain. However, getting in touch with the hidden or unconscious parts of yourself (your “shadow”) is an important step in healing from trauma

(Jung, 1981). Even though you might want to run away, explore the resources that help you to step forward toward the discomfort. Psychotherapy, community support groups, journaling, time in nature, or mindful embodiment practices can all help you lean into discomfort at a pace that is right for you. Throughout this book, you will find practices to help you walk a hero(ine)’s journey. You will be guided to walk slowly and gently face your fears. In turn, you will learn to trust in your capacity to walk through the darkness and return to the light. Successfully navigating the hero’s journey gives you the opportunity to discover that you are more powerful than you previously realized. It allows you to feel more grounded, real, and whole because—in truth—transformation is about revealing who you truly are. In the later stages of the hero’s journey, you may also discover an inseparable relationship between your personal happiness and the well-being of others. In turn, you may feel a desire to emerge back into the world by sharing your unique contributions with others and the world.

10. Hearing the Call In truth, each of us faces at least one major loss or traumatic event at some point in our lives. This may come in the form of a personal loss or a collective wound in your community. The feelings of shock and confusion that commonly occur after traumatic events tend to disrupt your orientation to the world as you have known it. Often it is impossible to go back to the old ways of living. You have been thrust into a process of selfdiscovery and a requisite redefining of your life. In what ways have events in your life served as an invitation to enter a hero’s journey? In what ways have you already engaged with this inner transformational journey? In contrast, maybe you have you noticed a desire to reject the call to enter a hero’s journey. Perhaps you have avoided confronting the pain of traumatic events or maybe you have been overwhelmed by anxiety without the resources to help you find a path forward. If so, what support do you need in order to accept the invitation? What helps you recognize your ability to rise up to the challenge? ___________________________________________________ _________

I am the hero of my own life story. With support, I can overcome the obstacles of my life.

Chapter Review As this chapter comes to an end, take a moment to reflect on the initial steps that you have taken on your transformational path to resilience and post-traumatic growth. The practices thus far have offered an overview of what to expect on your healing journey. With an attitude of mindfulness, you have been encouraged to start where you are. You have learned the beliefs and behaviors associated with resilience and post-traumatic growth. Recognizing that healing happens in stages, you have explored perspectives on personal transformation through the lens of neurobiology. You have had an opportunity to challenge healing myths and identify new, affirming beliefs. Most importantly, you have received the invitation; you have been called to begin your hero’s journey.

Review and Reflect Before continuing on to Chapter 2, take a few minutes to review your responses to the self-reflection practices of this chapter. What have you learned about yourself thus far? ___________________________________________________ _________

CHAPTER 2

…

Self-Discovery: Cultivating the Fertile Ground of Resilience

Difficult events can crack the foundation of your life. Although you may feel as though you are broken, the process of healing can help you emerge with a clearer and stronger sense of yourself. This chapter is focused on helping you build resources to support your growth and prepare you for the transformational work of healing from trauma in Chapter 3. To create a well-kept garden, you must always begin by tending to the soil—adding in the right amount of nutrients, sun, and water that create an optimal environment for growth. It is within this fertile ground that you plant the seeds for your personal transformation. Remember that within the acorn is the potential of the oak tree. While this may be difficult to believe at this time, I encourage you to trust that you already hold within you the potential for your own full bloom. Get Your Bearings

One of the painful repercussions of trauma and loss is feeling out of control and disorientated. To get your bearings, you orient toward your inner terrain. You do so by looking around and taking an honest look at your life, including your past, your present, and where you see yourself in the future. Once you know where you have come from and where you currently stand, you can better orient to your future. You develop a realistic understanding of yourself when you take into account your unique life experiences, current vulnerabilities, and existing strengths. Getting your bearings requires that you reflect upon your experiences growing up. This involves exploring themes from your childhood and family of origin. You might look at the quality of your relationships with your parents, siblings, or other people who played important roles in your life. Maybe you faced significant challenges, illness, or losses but overall had a supportive, caring family. Or you might have had a difficult childhood in which you faced frightening experiences for many years without support. Looking back might also entail reflecting upon significant events that happened to your parents or previous generations of your family and cultivating an understanding about how these events impacted your life. Selfawareness of your past will help you to prioritize and refine your healing journey. Looking at your past does not mean getting bogged down in the details. Attending to all of the specifics of your past at once can leave you feeling overwhelmed or depressed. Rather, at this time, the invitation is to identify the significant life events, losses, or traumatic experiences that have shaped who you are today. In Chapter 3 you will take the time to process and work through these events in a safe manner. For now the emphasis is to simply write down a list of the most important experiences from your past. As you turn inward, take the time to also notice moments in your life when you have felt empowered, experienced joy, or accomplished a significant feat—including the people who supported you along the way. Identifying positive moments in addition to your challenges will help you tap into your existing strengths. Getting your bearings also requires that you have a clear understanding of your current circumstances. Perhaps you have

recently faced the loss of a loved one and feel tenderhearted. Maybe you have recently suffered from a shocking traumatic event. You might feel isolated and disconnected from the community or struggle in your relationships. Or you might be currently struggling with health challenges. You might also notice how you talk to yourself about your life. For example, you might notice negative self-talk or critical messages that you tell yourself. At the same time, take the time to notice the parts of your life that are going well. With a history of trauma, you may have developed a tendency to focus on your faults. However, it is equally important to illuminate your strengths, as this will help you maintain a more balanced view of yourself. Take the time to identify what you bring to the world in terms of your strengths, including your ability to be gentle with yourself, be a good friend to others, express yourself creatively, or maintain a commitment to your health. Once you are oriented to the territory of your past and current circumstances, you will be better prepared to set realistic goals for your future. This involves thinking about the qualities you would like to cultivate in yourself or the changes you would like to make in your life. Hikers are well aware that climbing a mountain involves pacing yourself. If you move too quickly, then you might find it hard to breathe or your muscles might get fatigued. If you move too slowly, then you might get bored or feel stagnant. On the other hand, moving at a pace that is sustainable allows you to reach your goal. There will be times when it is necessary to pause, catch your breath, or acclimate to new territory. You can think of this as a base camp that helps you prepare to reach the summit. Once you feel ready, you head on toward your destination where you can enjoy the vast and expansive views. Healing from trauma is similar. If you ever feel overwhelmed by the process, then this is a sign that you are moving too quickly. Remember, if any practice in this book triggers emotions that feel overwhelming, you can always close the book, increase your support systems, and return when you feel ready. Listen to your body and mind for feedback along the way. Eventually you will feel strong enough to stretch and climb to new heights. With the right support,

you will be able to traverse a transformational path to reach summits of the extraordinary possibilities that lie ahead. As you get your bearings and identify the landmarks that have shaped your inner terrain, remember that the past does not need to define you. As you work through this book, you will find a path forward that helps you to overcome your obstacles and connect to your strength. These next three practices offer opportunities to reflect on the terrain of your past, orient to your present circumstances, and set goals for your future.

11. Reflect on Your Past How would you describe your family of origin? Were there any losses or specific traumatic events? Do you recall if you had support to process these events? Did you grow up in an environment where there was repeated neglect or abuse? Have you experienced significant illness or medical trauma? Do you know of any traumatic events that happened to your parents or previous generations in your family? Take some time to write down a list of any losses, traumatic events, or unresolved painful life moments from the past. Rather than writing down the details, simply give each event a title. You can approach this practice chronologically, starting in your early childhood and making your way forward. As you progress through this practice, also take the time to make a list of significant positive events, achievements, or everyday activities that enhance your well-being. What accomplishments are you most proud of? Who were the most supportive and caring people from your past, and who fills that role in your life now? Can you recall times in which you acted courageously or felt empowered? What activities bring you joy? For example, do you express yourself creatively through art, writing, or music? Do you enjoy getting exercise? Do you engage in any mindfulness practice, such as meditation or yoga? Do you spend time in nature? Are there any additional activities that enhance your well-being?

___________________________________________________ _________

I am willing to know myself in the context of my past.

12. Orient to Your Present Circumstances Take a few moments to reflect on your current life circumstances. Have you experienced any recent losses or traumatic events? How would you describe your current relationships? Do you feel connected to a sense of community? Do you have any current health challenges or struggle with chronic pain? Notice the quality of your emotions, sensations, and thoughts. What messages are you telling yourself? If these messages are critical or negative, ask yourself what new, positive messages you would like to tell yourself now. ___________________________________________________ _________

Awareness of my present circumstances helps me to make wise choices.

13. Looking Ahead to the Future Sometimes it can be difficult to imagine a future that is different from your past or your present. Although you can’t change the territory of your past, you can change the path that you take forward. Looking at your current situation, how would you like things to be different? How confident are you that you could make these changes? What has stopped you from making changes in the past? Is there anything that scares you about making changes in your life now? If you were to be successful in making these desired changes, how would your life be different? How do you think you would feel? ___________________________________________________ _________

I can set goals for my future to help illuminate the path forward.

Embodiment Sometimes you might find it difficult to sense and feel your body. Why? We are simply taught to tune out our sensations. We’ve been trained to sit still and pay attention. We orient to the external world in

school, in the media, and on our screens. Growing up, we learn to respect the rules and rhythms of our family and community. Such external rhythms and rules can create a sense of predictability, but sometimes these external structures do not match our internal, personal rhythms. Nonetheless, we learn to adjust. Often this entails disconnecting from our bodies, our intuition, and the earth in order to fit in or belong. If you grew up in a situation of childhood neglect or abuse, then dissociating from your body was simply a defense mechanism you used in order to survive. No matter the source, when you are cut off from your body, you also become disconnected from your intrinsic source of wisdom. To reconnect to your body can feel like trying to reestablish a relationship with a child who has been ignored or abandoned. At first, you knock on the door and the child is silent. Nonetheless, you express your commitment and desire to reconnect by knocking again. This time, the child says, “Go away!” You knock again and assert your commitment to reconnect, no matter how long it takes. With time, the child might open the door slightly but only for a moment. Eventually, the door is left ajar. Perhaps, one day, the door is left open. Connecting to your body takes time and requires commitment. One breath at a time you can build trust with yourself. Each day you can return to this practice of sensing and feeling, of slowly bringing your awareness down from your head to your throat, chest, belly, hips, legs, and feet. Although bringing attention to the parts of your body that feel numb or empty can feel uncomfortable, this discomfort is ultimately a calling for you to come home to yourself. If your identity is wrapped up in not feeling, then bringing awareness to your body can also feel threatening to your sense of self. You might feel out of control as you delve into discomfort or greet your pain. You might feel irritable as you move from thinking to feeling. You may want to run from the process. Pace yourself. Meet your experience, back away, and return again. As you descend your awareness throughout your body, meet your vulnerability with great care. Eventually, you might notice an awakening of sensation. Maybe you feel a surge of emotion or a tremble. Soften your effort. You have arrived. Linger and listen with

your inner ear. Awaken yourself to the subtle movements of your body. Listen to the rhythm of your beating heart and to the gentle rise and fall of your belly with your breath. Cultivate a mindset that seeks to awaken your life force. Allow yourself to be nourished by this wellspring of connection. Like a personal pilgrimage, to descend your awareness into your body is an invitation to reconnect to yourself in body and soul. Feeling your sensations allows you to reclaim important information about how to better take care of your body. As you read this book, periodically pause and check in with yourself. You might feel the urge to stretch or take a deep breath to release tension from your shoulders. Ultimately, a practice of embodiment can help you discover a rich connection to your inner wisdom. It is time to come home to your body.

14. Sensing Your Body Take a deep breath and bring your awareness to the sensations in your body. Perhaps scan your body from head to toe. What are you aware of? Do you find it comforting to sense and feel your body or do you find it challenging? Do you notice places in your body that are easier to feel? Do you notice areas of pain or numbness? Do you feel frightened by the idea of connecting to your body? Sometimes, bringing your attention to your extremities, such as the tip of your nose or your fingers and toes, can help. Then, slowly connect to more sensations in your body as you feel ready and at a pace you can tolerate. Eventually, you can rebuild trust with yourself. Take some time to write about your experience, and, as you return to this practice, notice if your ability to connect to your sensations changes over time. ___________________________________________________ _________

I can reconnect to my body at a pace that is right for me.

Slow and Steady

Healing cannot be rushed. Instead, it is advised to approach trauma recovery in a slow and steady manner. Doing so will help you to build trust in yourself and with the process. You can prepare for the deep work of trauma processing by taking the time to build your resources. Resources help you to feel confident, calm, clear, grounded, empowered, and supported. Some resources are found in people or places that provide a refuge of safety. For example, you might choose to spend time in nature, call a friend, go to therapy, get a massage, or seek solace within a spiritual community. You can also find resource animals who help you feel grounded when you feel vulnerable. In addition, you can build internal resources that allow you to rely upon your own body and mind to find a sense of peace. In this case, you can find inner calm through the breath, imagination, visualization, journaling, mindfulness, or yoga. Sometimes resources are imagined sources of comfort, like the memory of a place that helps you feel safe and calm. Many people choose a special place in nature, like being by the seashore or sitting in a beautiful garden. You know that you have found a good resource when you feel an increase in positive emotions and a sense of ease in your body. Finding an ally is an important part of a hero’s journey, as some challenges are too great for any one person to face alone. Allies might be real people in your life, such as a close friend, a spiritual mentor, or a therapist who can be in relationship with you as you heal. Sometimes, an ally is an imagined presence of a person, animal, spirit, or nurturing relative (alive or deceased). Allies often represent the positive qualities of nurturing and protective caregivers, which can be essential if you did not have this during childhood. Successful trauma recovery also benefits from a resource called containment. Containment gives you the ability to choose when not to focus on the difficult events from your past by consciously putting away your painful emotions, thoughts, or memories. Here we recognize that we need to take breaks from the hard work of healing from traumatic events. Containment works as long as we make an agreement with ourselves to attend to our emotional wounds at a later time, when we have sufficient support.

You will know that you have sufficient resources to proceed on the transformational path when you feel supported and grounded. When you have enough resources, you will feel ready for just a little more challenge. You can build the support you need to turn toward your pain in a slow and steady manner. The next three practices will help you to develop resources by creating an imagined safe place, finding supportive allies, and developing a containment strategy.

15. Safe or Peaceful Place In trauma recovery, it can be beneficial to cultivate an image of a safe or peaceful place that allows your body to relax in the here-and-now. Can you think of an image of a place that helps you feel calm and safe? This place can be one that exists in the real world or one that you have imagined. Take a few minutes to explore this practice and write down a description of your safe place. What do you notice in your mind and body when you imagine yourself in this place? Know that you can retreat to this safe haven in your mind any time that you feel triggered or afraid. ___________________________________________________ _________

I can calm my mind and body by reflecting upon times and places when I have felt safe and peaceful.

16. Identify Your Allies Take the time to identify some allies who can accompany you on your hero’s journey. These are the positive people in your life who have stood by your side. Who in your life stands up for you or offers a nurturing presence? Maybe you need someone who offers wise counsel or gives you a sense of protection. Take some time to create a list of possible allies who can surround you in times of difficulty. Remember, you can call upon your support team or imagined allies at any time. ___________________________________________________ _________

I can reach out for support. I am supported by allies both seen and unseen. I have all the resources that I need for my healing journey.

17. Create Your Container To develop the resource of containment, visualize a file, box, or room that is big enough to hold your disturbing experiences. Then practice temporarily placing the pain inside of your container. You can intentionally reopen your container at a later time when you are able to attend to your experience mindfully and compassionately. Write down a description of a containment strategy or draw an image of your container. Imagine placing difficult memories into your container with the knowledge that you are in charge of opening and closing it. You are in charge of when you attend to the pain of your past. When you place your distress in this container, notice how you feel in your body and mind. Take some time to write about your experience of using the resource of containment. ___________________________________________________ _________

I have a choice about when to think about my trauma. I can contain the pain of my past until I have support for my healing journey.

Reclaim Your Inner Protector

We all have a basic need be protected. Protectors look out for our safety, stand up for our worth, and defend us when necessary. They are assertive, determined, and strong. However, if you grew up unprotected, betrayed, or abused, then you might have developed defense mechanisms to help you survive. You may have developed strong, defensive walls around your most vulnerable feelings in the form of armor. In truth, most of us will defend ourselves when we feel vulnerable. It is human nature. There is intelligence in fear. Unfortunately, these protective defenses might lead you to inadvertently push caring people away when they get too close. As a result, you might feel irritable, be quick to anger, or pick fights for no good reason. You might falsely believe that you can only rely upon yourself. In some cases, your protective defenses may have been in place for so long that you have forgotten how to let go and relax. You may still be fighting a battle that ended many years ago. While you may instinctively want to withdraw, run away, or react defensively, it is also important to recognize that, sometimes, these defenses are remnants of the past; they may no longer be necessary. Reclaiming a healthy relationship with your inner protector will ultimately allow you to let go of the compensatory defenses that no longer serve you. You can reclaim this relationship and repair your wounds by imagining a person who you would have liked to have protected you as a child. Similar to the allies you identified in Practice 16, you might identify a real, fictional, or historical person who you can imagine protecting you now. Who would keep you safe or stand up on your behalf? Once you have an image of a protector, it is essential that you internalize the feeling of being protected by noticing how it feels in your body. Embody the feeling of being a protector. You are and always were worthy of protection.

18. Feeling Protected With compassion, take a few minutes to recall a time in your life when you needed protection and didn’t receive it. Notice how you feel emotionally or in your body as you remember this experience. Are you aware of any emotional or physical defenses that you may have developed as a result? Now, take several minutes to reflect upon someone who you think of as a strong, courageous, and powerful protector. How might this person protect you in your life now? Imagine this person standing up for you or speaking on your behalf. Notice how the imagery of having a protector changes how you feel in your body. Are there any changes in your posture or your breath? Now, imagine being the protector. How does this feel in your body? How could this feeling allow you to stand up for yourself and assert your needs to the world? Take a few minutes to write about your experience. ___________________________________________________ _________

I can protect myself in healthy ways.

Nervous System Regulation In Chapter 1, you read about the autonomic nervous system and its role in regulating how you respond to threat and safety. When you are safe, your sensory engagement system is activated, which facilitates feelings of connection and calm. However, if you sense danger, then your nervous system goes into defensive mode, causing you to “fight or flight” or “shut down” in response to the perceived threat. When the nervous system responds to threats in this way, your body goes into a state of hypervigilance, meaning that you are highly sensitive to subtle cues in your environment that are perceived as threatening. For example, you might scrutinize the faces of people around you, notice subtle changes in their tone of voice, or remain alert to any signs of rejection or danger. Often this happens without you even realizing it consciously. We can better understand why hypervigilance happens and increase nervous system regulation by looking at the neurophysiology of the brain and body. From the perspective of neuroscience, the brain developed hierarchically from the bottom up and the inside out. The first part of the brain to develop was the basal ganglia (the “reptilian brain”), which is involved with activating our more primitive, defensive stress reactions. The next part to develop was the limbic system (the “emotional brain”), which provides the neural basis for memories and emotions. The most recently evolved part of the brain is the neocortex—and, more specifically, the prefrontal cortex (the “rational brain”)—which is involved in higher-order thinking. Hypervigilance is associated with activation of the more primitive, lower brain centers. In particular, when we are in danger, the reptilian brain becomes activated and we react without consciously reflecting on the details of the situation. From an evolutionary perspective, this is adaptive. If your house was on fire, it would be wise to run out of the house quickly rather than take the time to think about it. Only after you are safely away from the threat would you pause and reflect upon the event. Unfortunately, if you have experienced trauma, it can be difficult to differentiate between frightening experiences that occurred in the

past and what is happening in the present moment. In turn, there is a greater chance that you misperceive people or places as dangerous when they are actually safe. As a result, you might be in a state of chronic hypervigilance, which initiates the release of the stress chemicals and leads to a vicious cycle of anxiety. You can learn to override this vicious cycle by engaging your social engagement system to reestablish a sense of connection and safety. To do so, focus your attention on cues that let you know that you are safe. Practice observing the sensations and emotions you are feeling, as doing so engages the upper brain centers and overrides any faulty stress reactions. For example, if you feel unnecessarily keyed up with anxiety, you can slow down your breath, find movements that help you feel grounded, or soften your belly to help you relax. You can also use a cue word or phrase, such as, “I’m safe now” or “It’s okay to relax.” Of course, this only works if you are, indeed, in a safe situation now. It is essential to recognize that the symptoms of PTSD are rooted in your neurobiology. Trauma is experienced in your body, not just your mind. This is why you cannot simply think or talk your way out of your trauma reactions. Such an understanding can serve as a reminder to hold self-compassion when you get triggered or caught in disruptive trauma reactions. Most importantly, you are not destined to repeat your past, and your symptoms do not need to define you.

19. Orienting to Safety Find a place where you know you are safe to explore this mindbody practice. Choose a comfortable position either standing, seated, or lying down. For the next several moments, focus your attention on the specific cues in your environment that help you know that you that you are safe, here and now. As you look around your space, notice the quality of the light, a piece of art on the wall, or how it feels to be reading this book. You might also choose to listen to a favorite piece of music, hold a calming object in your hand, or notice the calming scent of an essential oil. Now, repeat these words to yourself, “I am safe, and I am calm.” Now, take a moment to reflect upon a difficult time when you felt stressed. What do you notice in your body? What emotions arise? What thoughts are you having? Then, return your attention to the specific cues in your environment that help you know that you that you are safe in the present moment. Take several deep breaths, and on each exhale, let go of any accumulated emotional or physical tension. Once again, repeat the phrase, “I am safe, and I am calm.” You can build nervous system flexibility by going back and forth between feeling safe and attending to distress a little bit at a time. Take a few minutes to write about your experience with this practice, knowing that you can repeat it as often as you’d like. If at any point in the practice you experience anxiety or distress, this is a sign to seek out more support.

___________________________________________________ _________

I can calm my body and mind by focusing on my experience of safety here and now.

Breathing into Balance One of the most powerful mind-body practices to facilitate nervous system balance is working with your breath. Most of the time, we breathe without even thinking about it. However, altering the rhythm of your breathing can immediately change the balance of your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. In general, you can think of each inhale as enhancing your sympathetic nervous system and of each exhale as enhancing your parasympathetic nervous system. One way that mind-body therapies work is by stimulating the vagus nerve, which extends from the brainstem down into your stomach, intestines, heart, lungs, throat, and muscles of the face. As you breathe slowly and deeply, you create subtle movements in these areas of your body. For example, diaphragmatic breathing creates a gentle massage across your digestive organs, releases the muscle of the diaphragm, stimulates nerve fibers within the lungs, and offers an audible sound that is soothing for the inner ear. As a result, you can notice your heart rate slow down. One of the ways that researchers measure the changes that happen in mind-body therapies is through heart rate variability, which refers to the rhythmic oscillations of your heart rate that occur with the breath. It is a measure of the intervals between your heart beats. Higher heart rate variability is associated with a greater ability to tolerate or recover from stress, whereas lower heart rate variability is associated with stress and anxiety. You can think of any practice that increases heart rate variability as building flexibility and resilience

within your autonomic nervous system. As a result, it becomes easier to move between feelings of excitement and ease. To increase heart rate variability, you can focus on slow, diaphragmatic breathing. Start with a balanced breath, which involves long, deep breaths in which the in-breath and out-breath are the same length. As you inhale, your heart beat speeds up just slightly, and as you exhale, it slows back down. To counterbalance anxiety, you might also experiment with extending the length of your out-breath to emphasize your parasympathetic nervous system. In contrast, if you are feeling foggy or sleepy, then you can exaggerate your in-breath. Experiment for yourself with these next three breath practices, which are focused on helping you realize that you have some control over the level of activation in your nervous system.

20. Balanced Breath This breath practice can help create a calm, balanced feeling throughout your mind and body. Start by taking several long, deep breaths. Notice the subtle movements created by your breath. See how it feels to relax your diaphragm. Can you allow your belly to rise and fall as you breathe? Now, begin to inhale to a count of 4 and exhale to a count of 4. You can count silently in your head. When you feel comfortable with this breath practice, you might choose to experiment with holding your breath after each inhale and exhale, as this can help train your nervous system to handle stress. In this case, you inhale to a count of 4, hold your breath in for a count of 4, exhale to a count of 4, and hold your breath out to a count of 4. If you find the retentions of the breath uncomfortable, just return to the initial practice. Continue this balanced breathing exercise for the next several minutes. Once you are finished, allow your breath to return to a natural rhythm, and bring your awareness to the sensations in your body. What are you aware of? What emotions are you feeling? Take some time to write about your experience. ___________________________________________________ _________

My breath is a doorway to my nervous system. I can create balance from the inside out.

21. Relaxing Breath This breath practice is optimal for times when you feel anxious or keyed up. Start by taking several long, deep breaths. Notice the subtle movements created by your breath. See how it feels to relax your diaphragm. Can you allow your belly to rise and fall as you breathe? Now, begin to inhale to a count of 4 and exhale to a count of 6. You can count silently in your head. Over time, you can experiment with lengthening your exhalation to a count of 8. Continue breathing in this manner for the next several minutes. Once you are finished, allow your breath to return to a natural rhythm, and bring your awareness to the sensations in your body. What are you aware of? What emotions are you feeling? Take some time to write about your experience. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am calm, relaxed, and at ease.

22. Invigorating Breath This breath practice is optimal during times that you want to feel more awake and alert. Start by taking several long, deep breaths. Notice the subtle movements created by your breath. Now, focus on bringing your breath into your upper chest. Take a deep inhale, and then release the breath with a quick exhale. Repeat this breath three or four more times, and then allow your breath to return to a natural rhythm. Bring your awareness to the sensations in your body. What are you aware of? Do you notice an increase in your energy? If you would like, you might choose to repeat this breath practice a few more times. When you feel sufficiently energized, allow yourself to return to stillness. Take some time to write about your experience. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am alert, awake, and invigorated.

Mobilization and Immobilization

One of the most debilitating symptoms of PTSD is dissociation. It is much more common than many people realize, in part because dissociation can present as a wide range of symptoms, including feeling foggy, tired, shut down, lightheaded, nauseous, or numb. In addition, dissociation can sometimes lead to lapses in memory, a feeling of “lost time,” or having distinct, multiple parts of the self. Dissociation is especially common with complex PTSD, which occurs as a result of long-term exposure to traumatic stress, rather than in response to a single incident. Dissociative symptoms are painful and tend to persist. If you relate to these symptoms, it is recommended that you and your therapist become comfortable talking about dissociation in a compassionate and caring manner. Such openness can greatly support healing from trauma. With the help of a therapist, you can increase your awareness of what triggers these symptoms, and you can learn strategies to regulate your nervous system that reduce the impact of these symptoms on your life. For some, mind-body therapies, such as yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises, become valuable, life-changing daily practices that can help them to stay grounded in a sense of safety for longer and longer periods of time. Recall that mind-body therapies work by helping you to regulate your vagus nerve. Building upon the previous practices, the emphasis of this next practice is to increase your nervous system flexibility. Here you explore blending your social engagement system with your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. Tapping into your social engagement system when your sympathetic nervous system is activated allows you to mobilize the resources to play, exercise, or get creative. Conversely, tapping into your social engagement system when you feel shut down or fatigued can soften your defenses, which can help you form loving connections with others, relax, and achieve better sleep. This practice of alternating between safe mobilization and immobilization helps balance your mind and body by connecting you to the restorative side of your parasympathetic nervous system (Sullivan et al., 2018).

23. Reclaiming Safety in Mind and Body Begin this practice by finding a place where you know you are safe. Find a comfortable position either standing, seated, or lying down. Look around your space and identify visual cues that indicate you are safe, here and now. Now, take several long, deep breaths. Notice the sensations and the subtle movements created by your breath. Bring your awareness to the sound of your breath. Expand your sensory awareness to notice any other sensations in your body. Next, begin to explore mindful mobilization by increasing the intensity of your breath while moving your body. Maybe you stand up into an active yoga posture. Perhaps you walk vigorously in place or around the room. You can even put on your favorite song and dance. Increase your heart rate just enough to notice that your breath quickens to support your movement. If you experience any anxiety or other distress, look around your space to remind yourself that you are safe now. Finally, begin to explore mindful immobilization by returning to stillness either seated or lying down. You might even begin to explore how it feels to close your eyes. Allow your heart rate to slow down. Surrender your weight down toward the earth. Invite long, deep breaths by holding the out-breath longer than the in-breath to initiate a relaxation response. Choose to be still and soften any unnecessary tension in your muscles.

If you feel stuck, collapsed, or helpless at any point, this is a sign that you have dropped into a defensive immobilization response. If this is the case, open your eyes and return your awareness to your external space. Look around the room for cues that you are safe now. Once you are connected to an experience of safety, you might choose to close your eyes again and see if you can reconnect to the restorative side of your parasympathetic nervous system. Take some time to write about your experience. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am balanced in body and mind.

Grounding We all get pulled out of our center sometimes. We get distracted by work, family, the media, or the news. It is easy for any of us to become mired in the details of life. Sitting for hours and staring at a screen is part of the problem. With time, your body might begin to reflect this approach to life. You might notice that your gaze is lowered, your head hangs forward, or your shoulders become hunched up by your ears. This collapsed body posture can fuel feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness, and overwhelm. If you have a history of trauma, the impact of these daily stressors can exhaust your resources. The practice of grounding, which arises from somatic or bodybased psychotherapy, can help you reconnect to yourself—your center. Grounding refers to your ability to feel yourself here and now. Through sensory awareness, you bring your attention to your body. What do you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch? You can amplify your sensory experience in the outdoors by slowly sensing the

texture of a rough rock with your finger tips or smelling the fresh pine sap in the bark of a tree. Grounding also emphasizes bringing awareness to your legs and feet by sensing your connection to the earth. Perhaps you recall how it felt the last time you took your shoes off and stood outside on the grass or in the sand by the seashore. Could you sense the earth through the bottoms of your feet? Spending time in nature is one way to facilitate grounding, as interacting with the natural elements has been found to improve physical, emotional, and social well-being. In Japan, the healing effects of the outdoors are even recognized through a type of nature therapy called Shinrin-yoku, which translates as forest bathing. Similarly, the Native American tradition advises us to “walk in beauty,” which involves aligning ourselves with nature so that we may stand in the right relationship with the world around us. Likewise, in many mindfulness practices, we are invited to explore a walking meditation that focuses on bringing our awareness to the movement of our feet as they move in and out of contact with the earth below. It is all too easy to reflect upon your to-do list or a laundry list of worries. However, the natural world invites you to be in the here-andnow, to awaken your senses, and to notice the details of the world around you. Maybe you begin to notice the breeze on your skin, the buds of flowers on the trees, or the filtered quality of light as it passes through branches. Grounding in nature can also become a playful exchange with the natural world. For example, you might lightheartedly mirror a crooked tree or a bird opening its wings. As you spend time outdoors, you began to feel uplifted as you stand within the beauty of the natural world. The experience of grounding is facilitated by the proprioceptive system, which is your body’s sensory system that supports your ability to sense where you are in space. Importantly, proprioception is learned in our earliest relationships, as these are our first experiences of trust and support. For example, an infant who is held lovingly will release their weight into gravity. Similarly, a child who seeks comfort from a parent will begin to rest their weight into the comforting embrace of their parent’s arms. At its core, grounding is a relational experience.

Ultimately, the practice of grounding invites you to sense your body, notice any experience of tension, and surrender the weight of your physical body into the earth or the loving presence of another person. As a resource for trauma recovery, grounding can help you reclaim a sense of safety, feel rooted in the present moment, and strengthen your resilience. The following three practices help you to explore grounding into the floor, in nature, and into the connection of another person.

24. Grounding into the Floor Find a safe, calm environment to explore this practice of grounding. If you feel comfortable, explore this practice while lying down on the floor. Release your weight into the floor beneath you. Notice how it feels to relax into this support. If you notice that you are resisting letting go into this support, see if you can breathe into any tension in your muscles. Gently encourage yourself to let your weight rest heavy on the floor. What are you aware of as you explore this practice of grounding? Make space for any emotions that arise in the process. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am grounded. I am connected to my center.

25. Grounding in Nature In this practice, you will explore the experience of grounding in the outdoors. If you feel comfortable, take your shoes off outside and explore how it feels to press your feet into the grass or dirt. Sense the bottoms of your feet. Take the time to become present. Awaken your senses by savoring the details of the sights, sounds, and smells. Perhaps you practice walking while keeping your knees soft and not locked. As you walk, allow yourself to focus on the sensations of your feet rising and falling with each step. Can you stay connected to your emotions and sensations while moving? If you feel disconnected, slow down and come back to yourself in stillness. As you complete your practice, take a deep breath and sense the impact of this practice on your body and mind. Take a few minutes to write about your experience. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am connected to the earth. I become present with each step that I take.

26. Grounding in Relationship You might also choose to experiment with grounding while in contact with another person with whom you feel safe. Explore what it feels like to surrender into contact by asking this person to gently support your hand, arm, or head. At first, you might notice that you hold your breath or lose connection with your sensations. Can you still feel your body while in contact this person? Do you hold your breath? Do you lose yourself? If you lose connection with your sensations, make an agreement with your partner to stop contact and come back home to yourself. With practice, you can build your capacity to stay connected to your center while in connection with another. Take some time to write about your experience. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am connected to my center as I connect in a relationship.

Build Your Boundaries

Taking care of another while ignoring your own needs is a recipe for resentment and martyrdom. Overextending and pushing yourself to be strong when you really need to rest can lead to exhaustion. Overriding your personal boundaries can lead you to feel stuck in a state of confusion. Boundaries are the limits that help you to define yourself, and without them, it becomes harder to feel where you begin and end. Boundaries also help you to negotiate your needs with others in the world. If you have healthy boundaries, then you are more likely to ask for what you want and identify your limits when something doesn’t feel right. Boundaries are initially learned in childhood. If you grew up in a family in which you experienced a lack of respect for your personal space and your boundaries were consistently invaded, then you might be more likely to carry firm, rigid boundaries into your adult relationships. In contrast, if you experienced neglect or abandonment, then you may have a harder time setting boundaries now. In this case, you might accept whatever comes your way because you do not trust that others will remain caring or consistent. You might also notice a tendency to override your boundaries because you fear that others will reject you if you take care of yourself. In either situation, you may have developed a strong focus on the emotions or needs of the people around you in order to keep yourself safe. If you have been ignoring your boundaries for many years, then you might feel confused about your needs in relationships. To reclaim healthy boundaries, it is important to pay attention to your body. Slow down so that you can attend to the subtleties of your physical sensations and breath. Listening to your sensations, you may start to notice the somatic signals that accompany patterns of overextension or rigid self-protection. Perhaps you feel tightness in your diaphragm, heat in your hands, or a knot in your throat. Listen closely so that you can hear how your body communicates “yes” and “no.” Make a firm commitment to honor your limits, even if others might be disappointed with your decision. This might be difficult at first, but as you take the time to develop healthy boundaries, notice if you start to move from confusion to clarity. Perhaps you begin to feel mentally refreshed, emotionally lighter, or physically more grounded.

27. Body Awareness of Boundaries Take a moment to reflect upon your boundaries. Do you tend to maintain firm or rigid boundaries? Do you tend to overextend past your limits? How does your body give you feedback about what you want to say “yes” and “no” to? Do you find this difficult to determine? Take some time with this practice. Explore several situations or decisions in your life. You can experiment with simple decisions, such as what to have for dinner or what movie you want to watch. How does your body answer these questions? You can also explore your boundaries interpersonally. Are there people with whom it is more difficult to assert your needs? Are there people in your life who model healthy boundaries? Can you think of anyone who celebrates your ability to assert your limits? Notice how you feel in your body when you ask for what you want in these different types of situations. Use the following space to write about your experiences. ___________________________________________________ _________

I recognize and honor my boundaries and limits.

Vulnerability Is Strength Sometimes, this human life can feel overwhelming. You might want to retreat, hide away, and close the door. You might feel too sensitive for this world. In turn, you might put on a thick skin or pretend like you are okay when, in reality, you feel terrible. You might hide your needs or emotions behind a mask or a wall, which provides a false sense of strength. You might continue to isolate yourself even though you really want to feel connected. If you have lived this way for many years, then it can feel profoundly exposing to let someone in. Allowing yourself to be visible can make you feel too vulnerable. The belief that we should be strong is often learned in childhood when well-intentioned parents minimize or dismiss a child’s pain. Boys get told “Boys don’t cry” and “Don’t be a sissy.” Girls get told “Don’t be so dramatic” and “Stop overreacting.” When parents push away a child’s pain in this manner, the child learns “I need to be strong because you can’t handle my pain.” If these experiences characterized your childhood, then you might have learned how to hold in your feelings and “be good” in order to avoid rocking the boat. These early messages then turned into internalized beliefs that resurfaced later in life when you faced difficult life events. In truth, you do not need to protect other people by “holding it together.” Showing people how you really feel allows them to support you. Moreover, trauma recovery inevitably asks you to feel your emotions. To live in the world with an open heart is a reclaiming of your innocence. Like a child who is sensitive and tender, this open heart is capable of seeing everything and everyone without judgment. Yes, there are times when you might need to retreat inward because it feels too painful to be so open with others. However, rather than shutting off completely, take your time to go within and explore what you need to open your heart again. You can learn to trust that there is always a glimmer of light when journeying into the darkness. Listen to your own timing about when you would like to reemerge and open yourself up to others. Coming out of hiding takes time. Honor your own readiness. Given that there is always the risk of being rejected when you do decide to reemerge and share yourself with others, you might begin

expressing your vulnerable emotions in the presence of a chosen few individuals—those with eyes that see with acceptance and compassion. Rather than opening up to someone who is critical or unwilling to be vulnerable themselves, you can choose to do so with a therapist or someone else in your life who courageously expresses their own authentic presence. If you still find that someone criticizes or disrespects you, do not take these behaviors personally. Rather, you can trust that these kinds of reactions provide more information about the other person than they do about you. Remember, it is a powerful practice to authentically share yourself with others in your life. The choice to share from your heart is an act of courage that no one can take away from you. You are in charge of the pace of intimacy. You do not need to open up until you are ready. Not only is this journey worthwhile, it is also profoundly liberating. In time, you might find that your sensitivity is a gift and your vulnerability is a strength.

28. Embracing Authenticity Take some time to write about the experiences you have had in expressing yourself openly and authentically. As you think about your childhood, what positive or negative messages did you receive from your parents about your emotions? Did you feel cared for during times of sadness, or did you feel rejected and lonely? Do you recall times in your adult life when you felt hurt after revealing your true feelings? In contrast, can you recall times when your feelings have been warmly welcomed or received by another person? How have these positive and negative messages and experiences shaped how you share (or don’t share) yourself with others today? In what ways might you unnecessarily try and protect other people from knowing your true feelings and emotions? What positive messages would you like to tell yourself now about authentically sharing your thoughts and feelings with others? Remember, you can choose wisely by sharing your vulnerabilities with people who will accept you just as you are. ___________________________________________________ _________

I can increase self-acceptance for my most vulnerable feelings. My vulnerability is a strength.

Some Days Are Like That Growth is not a linear path. We can see this in children when they go through a growth spurt. They typically become clumsy and uncoordinated as they discover a new phase in body and mind. Likewise, growth at any phase of life requires that we accommodate new information. Sometimes we might wrestle with the parts of ourselves that are fearful of what change might bring. We might discover that we are outgrowing old habits or relationships, but we are afraid to let go because what we know feels safe. In the classic children’s book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (Viorst, 1987), we are introduced to a young boy who is having a rough day where everything is going wrong. What kid doesn’t relate to this book? It can be comforting to know that other people in the world have bad days too, no matter what age we are. We all have our “Alexander” moments. These include the days when you are already running late for a meeting and get stuck in traffic. Later, you get home and drop a dish while making dinner, which shatters on the kitchen floor. In a moment of sheer frustration, you lash out at your spouse, child, or pet. Finally, out of pure exhaustion, you overindulge on ice cream simply trying to cope with the awful events of the day. If you have a history of trauma, these “Alexander” moments can feel particularly disheartening. A bad day can trigger you to the point of panic and leave you feeling fatigued for days or even weeks. You might feel as though you are getting worse instead of getting better, or that all of your efforts toward healing are futile. It is important to know that you will have times when it seems like nothing is going your way—and this is not a sign of failure. Growth often looks like a series of regressions into old patterns and progressions into new skills and self-discoveries. It is normal to

have periods of time when we do not feel strong, capable, resourceful, or resilient. It is important to remember that growth doesn’t happen in our perfect moments. While no one likes feeling awkward, distracted, messy, or out of control, we grow by humbly acknowledging our human imperfections and holding our insecurities with self-compassion. Throughout our lives, we will have many opportunities to recognize the same truth that Alexander learns: “Some days are like that,” and tomorrow is another day.

29. Self-Acceptance Take a moment and notice if you have a tendency to be unduly hard on yourself when you have been clumsy or made mistakes. Explore by writing down how it feels to be kind and gentle with yourself. What do you notice in your mind and in your body? Does an attitude of kindness help you lovingly accept your own difficult days? Remember that who you were yesterday doesn’t have to define who you are today. You can return again and again to the choices that support your health and well-being. You have permission to change, grow, and become your best self. ___________________________________________________ _________

I can build self-acceptance for the difficult moments in my life.

The Resilience Recipe Difficult life events and painful losses can leave any of us feeling destabilized. This is true whether we have directly experienced trauma or if we have been exposed to a traumatic event in the news.

If you have a history of trauma, even witnessing another person’s struggle can lead you to feel helplessness or despair, especially if old memories get triggered. In some situations, you might feel threatened, even if you are actually physically safe now. You might find yourself imagining worst-case scenarios. If this describes your experience, then it is time to build resources that promote resilience and prioritize self-care. You can build your resilience by engaging in behaviors that support your physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual health each and every day. Although you did not get a say in what happened during the traumatic event, resilience comes with the knowledge that there are still things in your life that you do have control over. Explore the choices you can make each day that support your well-being and that relieve tension and stress. While doing so may not resolve any external threats or triggers, it can keep you connected to your resilience. You can build your physical resilience by attending to the needs of your body, which includes getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, and participating in a regular exercise program. Exercise in particular provides you with a natural chemical boost that lifts mood by increasing endorphins, serotonin, and norepinephrine. You can also increase physical resilience by maintaining a healthy digestive system. You have an enteric nervous system (called the belly brain), which is made up of the “microbiome” that lives in your gut. This ecosystem contains hundreds of species of good and bad bacteria that reside within your intestinal tracts. An imbalance in your gut can lead to an inflammatory response in your immune system and cause a wide range of disruptive symptoms, including anxiety and depression. You can create a healthy microbiome by reducing sugar intake, identifying any hidden food intolerances, and building more relaxation into your daily routine, as stress interferes with digestion. You can build mental and emotional resilience by adopting a mindset that recognizes your capacity to grow, even through challenges. Recognize that you have the choice to keep your heart open to love instead of fear and hatred. Sometimes, when one difficult thing happens, you start to feel worried that another bad thing will happen, which can lead you down a rabbit hole of related

difficult memories (Korb, 2015). This downward spiral occurs, in part, because of how state-dependent memories are stored and recalled. Difficult memories that evoke sadness are more likely to be remembered when you are already feeling sad. However, statedependent memory can also be used in your favor. Your positive emotions, sensations, and memories are also interconnected. By focusing your mind on memories of times that you have felt happy, empowered, or peaceful, you can recall other positive experiences. Moreover, look for signs of the courage and strength within and around you. While vicarious traumatization is a very real phenomenon, so is vicarious resilience. As human beings, we have the ability to be inspired by each other and to rise again. You can strengthen your social resilience by staying connected to other people rather than isolating. It is important to stay involved in the community and to actively seek and build your social circle. This might involve reaching out to ask for help or to offer help to others, as we all need community to help heal the broken heart. This is not just a metaphor. Positive social connections have been linked to better physical health, specifically with regard to cardiovascular and heart health. Furthermore, positive social interactions may accompany physical touch. For example, hugging increases the body’s natural “feel good” chemicals, oxytocin and serotonin, which not only can improve mood but also promotes bonding with others. Lastly, spiritual resilience helps you to maintain a sense of hope in the midst of challenging life situations. Having a strong spiritual orientation helps increase life satisfaction, decrease depression, and is linked to enhanced physical health, such as improvements in chronic pain conditions and better cancer prognosis. While spirituality might involve having a religious faith, it is primarily associated with having a sense of personal meaning and purpose. You might find meaning through a faith community, prayer, meditation, yoga, or time spent in nature. A sense of purpose helps place difficult life events into a larger context, which makes it is easier to stay motivated toward your goals rather than sinking into hopelessness. Moreover, a spiritual perspective encourages empathy and forgiveness. You will be guided through an exploration

of discovering your own spiritual perspective, meaning, and purpose in Chapter 4. While each one of these action steps associated with resilience might seem small, they add up and can ultimately help you to feel strong, relaxed, capable, and more connected to others in the world. Collectively, they are an assertion of your willingness to commit to yourself and a positive future. To stay engaged in your life is an act of courage, especially when you know that loss can and will happen. My invitation to you is to create your own personalized approach: a resilience recipe that helps you connect to your strength, wisdom, and capacity to live a meaningful life.

30. Create Your Resilience Recipe What choices can you make in your life right now that give you a greater sense of self-control? Take some time to create a list of activities that support your physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual health. What activities can help reduce isolation and make you feel more connected to your community? You are more likely to engage in behaviors that you enjoy, so focus on activities that promote your health while also giving you a sense of enjoyment. You might write in a gratitude journal, go for a mindful walk outdoors, practice yoga, get a massage, drink a cup of tea, go to church, pray, meditate, call a friend, or go to the gym. Explore the subtle ways you can move your body to relieve tension and stress. Experiment for yourself and design a life around the choices that support your capacity to learn, grow, and become your best self. Take some time and begin to create your own personalized resilience recipe. Write your list in the following space, knowing that you can return to this practice and add to your list as you discover more behaviors that support your growth. ___________________________________________________ _________

Each day is an opportunity to engage in activities that build my physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual resilience.

Chapter Review Take a moment to reflect upon your experience as this chapter comes to a close. The practices within this chapter have invited you to reflect upon your past and create a vision for your future. You have explored finding your own pace for your transformational path and identified resources to help you with difficult thoughts, feelings, and memories. In addition, you have been introduced to tools that enhance embodiment, support grounding, build your boundaries, and regulate your nervous system. Perhaps you have begun to let go of the defensive armor that was once necessary to protect you or help you survive. You have also been invited to increase selfcompassion, especially on days when you do not feel strong. Finally, you have created your resilience recipe: a personalized collection of behaviors that increase your well-being. Collectively, these practices aim to cultivate a fertile ground of resilience within you and prepare you for the next phase of your healing journey. Chapter 3 provides a chance to go deeper into the transformational work of healing from trauma. Remember, there is no single right way to approach this book—personal growth is not linear. As you proceed forward in this book, know that you can reestablish a connection to your resources, as needed, by returning to the practices found within this chapter. Your resources are the foundation for your growth.

Review and Reflect Take a few minutes to review your responses to the selfreflection practices in this chapter. What have you learned about yourself? Knowing that not every practice will resonate, which practices worked the best for you? Are there any new tools that you would like to continue to explore as you move into the next chapter? ___________________________________________________ _________

CHAPTER 3

…

Transformation: Planting the Seeds of Potential

Now that you have developed a set of inner and outer resources, this chapter will help you to attend more directly to the pain related to trauma and loss. The practices in this chapter deepen your journey of self-discovery by slowly and mindfully inviting you to expand your tolerance for discomfort and release the impact of traumatic events. Remember that it is common to want to reject the call to enter a hero’s journey. However, having resources that make you feel supported and grounded can allow you to proceed forward on your path. Although the practices within this chapter can be explored on your own, remember that the presence of a therapist is recommended to support you on this journey. Expansion and Contraction

In the previous chapter, you focused on developing resources that help you feel grounded, safe, and calm. You can think of these as the skills that help you stay inside of a “window of tolerance.” According to author and trauma expert Daniel Siegel (1999), the window of tolerance is a zone of optimal arousal in body and mind. When you are inside your window, you are better able to respond to your emotional and physical needs. The work of healing from trauma involves increasing your tolerance for stress so that you can skillfully accommodate a greater amount of discomfort and gradually widen your window of tolerance. When you are above your window of tolerance, you are in a state of hyperarousal. You might feel anxious, jittery, restless, or irritable. In contrast, when you are below your window of tolerance, you are in a state of hypoarousal. In this state, you might feel depressed, lethargic, collapsed, or tired. In truth, all of these sensations and emotions are part of us. Although it can feel tempting to reject any uncomfortable feeling, the goal of this stage is to lean into discomfort—to tolerate a greater range of arousal states. With practice, you can learn to relate to all of your experiences with equanimity and self-compassion. Equanimity involves increasing your ability to stay present and be patient with uncomfortable experiences. Perhaps you have been stuck in heightened arousal and, like a frightened cat, are ready to jump or run away at any moment. Can you imagine soothing this part of yourself with loving kindness? Or maybe you feel like a tortoise who has retreated into its shell for self-preservation. Although this withdrawal may have been necessary to survive at some point, you can gently coax yourself out of your shell and recognize that it is now safe to reengage with the world. As you navigate the transformational work of healing from trauma, you might begin to notice that you have rhythms of expansion and contraction. Maybe you notice that you have times in which you are more energetic but that these moments also bring some anxiety. Likewise, you might notice times in which you feel heavy or tired. As you observe your own energetic ebbs and flows, it can also be helpful to notice the rhythms of expansion and contraction that exist all around you in the natural world. For

example, you might observe a bird that puffs up its chest and, in complementary form, tucks its beak under its retracted wings. Or you might observe how flowers open at dawn and close with the setting sun. These rhythmic oscillations exist within and all around us. By paying attention to your body, you can learn to identify and work with your energetic patterns. For example, when you notice that you are feeling tired or foggy, you can embrace the nourishment that exists within this state instead of rejecting the constriction. Doing so can help you to feel grounded and relaxed as opposed to entering into a dissociative state. Or you can work with times that you feel untethered and anxious by breathing into your sensations. Eventually, this can help you to embrace your ability to be spontaneous and playful. As you explore your relationship with expansion and contraction, you have an opportunity to discover a profound paradox: that there are seeds of expansion that live deep inside the narrow, tight, or constricted places—and, as you stretch and explore your outer limits, you will discover a natural inclination to come back home to yourself. Over time, you can learn to honor your natural rhythms and reclaim the beneficial qualities of both expansion and contraction. You can learn to dance joyfully in the expanse and rest peacefully in the quiet spaces.

31. Explore Your Window of Tolerance This practice invites you to compassionately bring your attention to your own patterns of expansion and contraction. It is important to recognize that we all experience energetic imbalances sometimes. Do you sometimes feel anxious, ungrounded, tingly, or disconnected from your body? Do you sometimes feel helpless, hopeless, heavy, or depressed? What are your emotional or somatic cues that let you know that you are leaving your window of tolerance or getting stuck in an imbalanced state? In what ways do you find healthy expression of both expansion or contraction in your life? Take some time to reflect and write about your responses to these questions. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am listening to my rhythms of expansion and contraction. I am connected to the breath of the universe.

Riding the Waves of Change

All experiences are meant to come and go, like waves in the ocean. They rise up, crest, and release. Similarly, you can think of your emotions as “energy in motion.” They are meant to surge, be fully felt, and then subside. However, sometimes you might block emotional waves before they come to the shore. When you remain cut off from your emotions in this manner, it is important to realize that there are consequences. You might start to feel rigid and constricted. You might begin to feel numb or as if you are just going through the motions of your life. Or you might feel frightened that you will be overwhelmed by a tidal wave of built-up emotion. Blocking emotional waves is especially common when you have experienced trauma. You might fear getting flooded by memories, painful feelings, and accompanying body sensations. Perhaps these feelings are related to events that occurred many years ago. Such unexpressed emotions can build up and manifest as physical tension in your body, resulting in headaches, tight shoulders, or difficulties with digestion. You may not even be aware that you are holding on to your emotions until your body rebels. Healing from trauma involves slowing down and attending to your pain at a pace that you can tolerate. This involves learning to surf in the shallows in preparation for riding the bigger waves. In other words, you turn toward relatively smaller stresses or losses prior to processing your most difficult traumas or worst fears. For example, you might start by working with the frustration related to an interaction with a coworker. Here you explore the skills of building tolerance for your emotions while attending to a relatively manageable event. In time, you can work up to more distressing traumatic events. Pacing yourself in this manner is especially important if you experienced repeated abuse or neglect in your childhood. Riding the waves of change also involves letting go of accumulated emotional burdens. However, letting go is easier said than done. If you find it difficult to let an emotion go, it is important to explore why you are holding on. Once you understand the nature of your emotional burdens, it will be easier to release them. For example, you might not let go of feelings of hurt or resentment in the hope that your pain might finally be acknowledged by a family

member. In this case, you might need to grieve the fact that this person is incapable of recognizing or acknowledging your pain. Riding the waves of change isn’t always easy, but the end result is that you have an opportunity to feel lighter and discover an increased sense of freedom in body and mind. As a result, it becomes easier to feel positive emotions of joy, pleasure, happiness, or excitement. Most importantly, this process awakens your authentic presence. By turning toward your emotions, you invite yourself to be raw and real. You no longer feel as though you are going through the motions of your life. In time, you begin to feel as though you are living your life wholeheartedly. Set an intention to ride the waves of your inner experiences—set your sails for a journey of self-discovery.

32. Build Tolerance for Your Emotions Take some time to explore a mindfulness practice focused on riding the waves of change. On each inhale, allow yourself to notice your inner experience. What is the emotion or sensation that you are aware of right now? Honor whatever you are holding as if it is a precious gift. Imagine a wave rising up as you breathe fully into this moment, this experience. You might ask yourself if this emotion needs anything from you. How can you take care of yourself right now? On each exhale, imagine the wave receding as you release emotion and sensation. If it feels right, imagine giving anything that no longer serves you back to the universe. Continue as long as you like, allowing yourself to observe your inner experiences as they come and go. Complete the practice by extending appreciation to yourself, for both your willingness to hold on and the courage that it takes to let something go. Take a few minutes to write about your experience. ___________________________________________________ _________

Today is an opportunity to ride the waves of change. All thoughts, feelings, and sensations are meant to come and go.

Overcoming Obstacles Healing from trauma and loss asks that you find the strength to overcome obstacles. This obstacle might involve confronting painful memories from the past that you would rather avoid. Or obstacles might come in the form of current situations in your life where you feel harassed, bullied, or abused. You might feel as if you have no choice or as if there is no good choice. For example, you might want to end a relationship or leave a job where you are unhappy, but you fear the repercussions that this change would have on your life. Or you might long for deeper connections with others but fear that you’ll end up overextended or feeling trapped. In some cases, you might have a need to speak your truth but fear that doing so could make a bad situation worse. These are all examples of double binds. In these situations, the obstacles of life can feel insurmountable. They can leave you feeling disempowered, small, helpless, or powerless. You might want to give up when you cannot change your situation. You might feel particularly vulnerable to these kinds of situations if you grew up with double binds in your childhood home. Double binds occur when there are chronic mixed messages from a parent, such as when a parent says, “I love you” but their body language communicates anger or withdrawal. A double bind can also occur when a parent tells you that they want you to express yourself, but then they get angry when you do. Or a parent tells you that they want you to be successful and independent, but then they become jealous or resentful when you are happy. Worse yet, in some cases, the double bind is the result of an abusive situation in which you had to act lovingly toward a parent who was also a source of threat. Moreover, if you bring attention to these painful mixed messages, then you are either dismissed or punished. As a result, it is common to begin to question your sense of reality. Furthermore, when you cannot express your distress, hurt, or anger toward another person,

you might begin to blame yourself or believe that you are the problem. The result is that you turn anger inward, toward yourself. It only takes one caring adult who is invested in understanding the inner experience of a child to facilitate resilience (Haggerty et al., 1996). If you never had this compassionate person in your childhood, it isn’t too late. At any point in our lives, we can thrive when we have someone who provides deep validation for the experiences that were once a source of confusion and self-doubt. Notice how you feel when someone dismisses your feelings, says that you are “making things up” or that you are “just imagining the worst.” In contrast, notice how you feel when you are with someone who listens to you, is invested in understanding your point of view, and is willing to validate your experiences. When you are in a validating relationship, your sense of self-efficacy is enhanced, meaning that you have increased confidence in your ability to succeed. In turn, you become empowered to make important or necessary changes that improve the quality of your life. Empowerment gives you the energy needed to overcome the obstacles in your life that are holding you back. Part of this process involves taking personal responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. For example, you may feel empowered to confront your anger by channeling it in a positive and productive manner. To do so requires that you pause and reflect on your relationship to anger. What messages did you receive about anger in your childhood? Do you deny or repress your anger now, or does anger cause you to get out of control? Most importantly, what would you like to be able to tell yourself now when you feel angry? Working through these questions can help you overcome obstacles by setting boundaries, saying “no,” and standing up to bullies. At the same time, it is important to remember that even the strongest of individuals will face significant obstacles that cannot be changed no matter how hard they try. In truth, it can be difficult to navigate a path of growth. When this occurs, it is necessary to stay realistic instead of collapsing into helplessness and despair. You can do so by identifying the parts of your life that you can control or change while simultaneously acknowledging the parts of your life that cannot be changed. In addition, remember that the path to

recovery takes time. The transformational work of healing requires a similar mindset to a marathon runner. You may experience times when you want to give up. However, by maintaining an embodied feeling of empowerment, you can reclaim your power and harness the energy necessary to overcome the obstacles in your life.

33. Develop an Empowerment Resource Take a moment to reflect upon a time when you felt supported and empowered. Perhaps you remember a time when you stood up for yourself or overcame a challenge. What resources helped you succeed? Who believed in you, validated your reality, or helped you connect to your power? What helped you to connect to your courage? If it is difficult to think of a time when you felt empowered, you can also think about an inspirational person who represents empowerment for you. Maybe you imagine someone who has stood up for rights that are important to you or someone who has modeled the ability to stand up against all odds. Imagine someone who accomplished changes that had previously been thought impossible, such as Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, or Abraham Lincoln. These individuals remind us that the antidote to helplessness is empowerment. Take a moment to reflect upon this time or person who represents empowerment for you. Begin to notice how you feel in your body. What emotions do you feel? See if you can allow the feeling of being empowered to grow. Allow your breath and posture to reflect this experience of being empowered. Now, take a moment to imagine a challenge or obstacle that you are facing in your life. Do you notice any feelings of powerlessness

or helplessness? Do you feel invalidated or stuck in this situation? How does this feel in your body? Now, see if you can imagine bringing the embodied feeling of empowerment into this situation. Can you tap into a sense of your strength as you imagine facing this challenge? If you find this practice challenging, ask yourself what additional supports or resources would help you overcome the obstacles in your life. Do you need to bring in an ally? Do you need to focus on grounding? From an empowered place, take some time to imagine how you would like to navigate this challenge. If you still feel stuck, seek out increased support or bring this scenario to therapy so that you can overcome the obstacles in your life. Use the next page to write how you feel. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am empowered, strong, and capable. I can overcome the obstacles in my life.

Trauma Reprocessing We all have an innate capacity to work through and heal from traumatic events as long as we have sufficient support. Dr. Francine Shapiro (2018), the psychologist who developed EMDR therapy, calls this adaptive information processing. If you feel overwhelmed or stuck in post-traumatic stress reactions, this is a sign that you have not yet had sufficient support. It is not a sign of failure. More importantly, rest assured that there is a way to work through traumatic events and reclaim your life. In Chapter 1, we talked about how all memories are patterns of neural networks or groups of interconnected brain cells (neurons) that fire together. Let’s take a closer look at what happens when we

reprocess a traumatic memory. Reprocessing a memory facilitates consolidation, which is the process by which memories are integrated throughout your brain. When a memory becomes encoded, the different sensory experiences associated with that memory are stored in different areas of the brain. It is the process of consolidation that allows each singular event to become integrated with the thousands of other previous experiences already held within you. This process helps you to develop a coherent sense of self across time, as it allows a single experience to become congruent with your ongoing sense of self in the world. In contrast, traumatic memories are maintained as maladaptive neural networks that do not get fully processed and consolidated. These memories are not integrated with other experiences and are limited in their ability to accommodate new information. More specifically, traumatic memories are often isolated or cut off from memories of times that you felt safe or empowered, related positive emotions, and your ability to verbalize the experience. In turn, it can be difficult to be emotionally flexible or cognitively constructive while thinking about difficult life events. Thankfully, there is hope. Consolidation primarily occurs during rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, but you can also actively participate in memory consolidation by spending time reprocessing your memories. Reprocessing involves recalling a traumatic event and the related images, beliefs, emotions, and body sensations in a new context of safety. As you activate the neural network associated with the trauma memory, you have an opportunity to insert new information related to your resources and present state of mind. For example, you can focus on finding reparative experiences by recalling times when you have felt loved, comforted, or protected by others. This is especially important when working with memories of neglect or abandonment. Furthermore, you can focus on challenging faulty beliefs. For instance, if you have been carrying around inaccurate beliefs, such as “It was my fault” or “I will never be safe,” then you can begin to challenge these thoughts with a new, more accurate assessment of your situation. Successful reprocessing of traumatic memories involves cultivating dual awareness, which is the ability to maintain

awareness of the present moment while simultaneously addressing memories related to the traumatic event. You can think of this as having one foot in the here-andnow and one foot in the past. Within EMDR therapy, you strengthen dual awareness through the use of bilateral eye movements, sounds, or pulsars in your hands that alternate between the left and right sides of your body. This rhythmic alternation helps anchor your attention to the present moment. In addition, the bilateral stimulation alternates across the two sides of your brain, mimicking REM sleep. Maintaining this dual awareness is an important aspect of EMDR therapy because you are more likely to become flooded by your internal sensations or emotions during trauma reprocessing if you lose this awareness (Rothschild, 2010). When you reprocess traumatic memories, you build a bridge between disturbing memories that occurred in the past and the resources that you have in the here-and-now. You build neural networks that communicate across the left and right hemispheres of the brain, as well as between upper and lower centers of the brain. As a result, it becomes easier to sense your body without getting flooded and to express your feelings in a coherent fashion. Reprocessing traumatic memories is best accomplished in the context of a secure therapeutic relationship. There are vulnerable and uncomfortable edges in all of us that benefit from the compassionate presence of another person. This is especially true when working through childhood abuse or neglect. A compassionate therapist can help you work through difficult feelings and memories that you might be afraid to confront by yourself. Remember, you do not need to heal alone.

34. Reprocessing the Past Take some to time to become aware of a difficult or traumatic memory. You might choose a memory from the list you created in Practice 11 (“Reflect on Your Past”). As you bring your attention to this memory, begin to notice your experience. What are the sensations in your body? Are there areas of tension or gripping? How are you breathing? What is the worst part of the pain? Do you notice any beliefs about yourself when you bring your attention to this memory? What would you like to believe about yourself or say to yourself in place of these negative thoughts? Now, begin to explore whether you had any specific needs at the time that this difficult or traumatic event occurred. What needs did you have that were left unmet? Perhaps you notice that you needed greater support or more protection. Take some time to imagine bringing this needed resource into this memory from your past. As you continue to reflect upon your difficult or traumatic memory, begin to notice if you start to feel a lessening of discomfort. Perhaps the practice of attending directly to your pain helps you to feel stronger or as though the memory has less power over your mind and body. If at any point you feel overwhelmed, focus on your resources or bring your attention to your external environment. Or, if necessary, place this memory in your container and stop the practice for now. Give yourself as much time as necessary to write your responses to this practice,

knowing that you can repeat this process with other difficult memories as needed. ___________________________________________________ _________

I take charge of my healing by reprocessing difficult memories. The past is over. I am here, now.

Alternating Your Attention Turning directly toward the pain of your past can sometimes feel overwhelming. If you are feeling flooded or are prone to dissociation, you can explore an alternative approach that lets you relate to your suffering in a more regulated manner. In particular, you can use a modified approach to reprocessing that involves alternating your attention between the disturbing memory and the experience of safety in the here-and-now (Knipe, 2015). This process is referred to as pendulation, and it helps you to confront traumatic memories at a pace that you can tolerate. Over time, you can increase your capacity to be with uncomfortable emotions, painful body sensations, and difficult memories. Pendulation is also used to achieve what is called titration (Levine, 1997, 2010). Titration is a term used in chemistry that refers to the combining of substances that create chemical reactions. For example, if you combine a large amount of vinegar and baking soda, you will get an explosion. However, you can titrate this reaction by adding just a few drops of vinegar at a time, which allows the mixture to fizz, bubble, and then settle down. Likewise, in psychology, titration involves attending to distressing memories for a short period of time with the goal of slowly and mindfully being able to discharge tension.

This next practice explores alternating your awareness between a distressing memory and a nourishing, positive resource that helps you feel grounded and calm. You think about a distressing event, and as soon as you feel any discomfort, you put away the memory and focus on feeling safe, here and now. You then go back and forth between thinking about the traumatic event for short periods of time and attending to your environment. If at any point you feel flooded by emotions or sensations, such as panic, dizziness, or nausea, then this is an indication to stop processing altogether. If this occurs, you can use your containment strategy from Practice 17 and focus solely upon your resources. For this practice, you can also use pendulation to address painful physical sensations, such as headaches or other areas of distress in your body. In this case, you would alternate between the distressing sensation and a positive or neutral sensation in your body. For example, you might bring your awareness to a feeling of tightness in your shoulder and then alternate your awareness to a sensation of strength in your legs or warmth in your palms. This practice can be especially helpful if you notice a tendency to be anxious about or hyperfocused on pain sensations in your body. One more point before you begin: sometimes, a painful experience does not resolve because it serves to indicate that you need to take action in your life now. Perhaps you are in a current situation that is reminiscent of the past. Maybe your distress is a sign that you need to stand up for yourself, protect yourself, or set a boundary. In this case, the practice of attending to your distress may require that you listen carefully to the message inside of your discomfort. Now the question is, what would allow you to address your current situation with wisdom?

35. Pendulation Take a few minutes to bring your attention to your current surroundings. Allow yourself to describe what your see, hear, or smell. You can amplify your sensations by using essential oils, placing an item in your space that is calming to look at, or holding a rock that helps you feel grounded. Notice how you feel in your body. Now, bring your attention to a difficult or painful experience. You might choose a memory from the list that you created in Practice 11 (“Reflect on Your Past”). Take notice of any changes in how you feel. Are there any uncomfortable emotions or sensations in your body? Do you notice if your breathing has changed? Stay with these feelings or sensations for just a few breaths so long as you do not feel overwhelmed. Now, return your attention to your current surroundings, and focus your attention on your sensations. Take the time to reflect upon the details of your environment until you feel a shift in your body toward greater relaxation. Take as long as you need with this positive feeling until you feel calm and grounded. Then, return your attention to your distressing memory. You can continue to alternate your awareness until you are able to attend to your distressing memory for longer periods of time without feeling overwhelmed. If you’re still finding this practice difficult, you’re not doing anything wrong. This is likely a sign that you would benefit from additional resources to help you to successfully process this difficult memory or painful sensation. Or you might ask yourself

if the distress is not resolving because of a current situation in your life that is unresolved. In this case, ask yourself if there are any actions that you need to take in your life now that would allow this painful memory, emotion, or sensation to resolve. ___________________________________________________ _________

I can choose how to direct my attention. I can fine-tune my healing journey by alternating my attention between distressing memories or sensations and my resources.

Self-Sabotage to Self-Love Even though you may feel ready to deepen your healing journey, you may also feel afraid of this process. Healing from trauma can feel threatening to your sense of self. Perhaps you feel worried that bringing your attention to painful memories from the past could disrupt your life. Or you may feel uncertain about how personal changes could impact your relationships. You may also find yourself feeling resistant to therapy or the healing process altogether. As a result, you might sabotage your efforts toward healing. It is painful when you can’t make or sustain the changes that would create a healthier or more successful life. When you find yourself engaging in self-sabotage, this indicates that there might be a conflict between different parts of yourself. In truth, we all have different parts, including parts of ourselves that we like and parts that we would rather avoid. We have parts that we want the world to see and parts that we want to hide. We also have younger parts that carry the pain of unresolved events from childhood and parts that reflect the internalized messages we received from our parents. For example, if your parents couldn’t handle your pain, then you may have developed a part that continues to push away vulnerable

emotions. Or, if you had a parent who was highly critical of you, then you may have developed a part of yourself that takes the form of an internalized self-critic. Importantly, when there are conflicts between these different parts of yourself, it can start a vicious cycle in which your emotional or young parts feel exiled and become increasingly frantic (Schwartz, 1997). As a result, it is common to feel anxious or unsettled. It is possible to increase awareness of these internal conflicts by creating a dialogue between these different parts of yourself, which allows each part of you to have a voice (Stone & Stone, 1998). Treat each part like an honored guest who has an important message that needs to be heard. Make sure not to dismiss any part of you as unimportant, as parts that are ignored or exiled are more likely to lead to self-sabotage. Ultimately, resolution requires that you listen to, honor, and take responsibility for each and every part of you. For example, if you tend to be self-critical, then it is important to give voice to your inner critic and the part of you that feels criticized. Similarly, it can be highly instrumental to give voice to your inner observer or wise self and include this part of you in the dialogue as well. Doing so can help you to connect to you own source of wisdom and compassion. Working with parts of yourself is often best supported by the presence of a caring therapeutic relationship, which is especially important if you are working with a part that carries shame or feels undeserving of love. Having a compassionate external witness to your process can help you to move from self-sabotage to self-love and can allow you to successfully heal the wounds from your past.

36. Dialogue with Your Inner Critic This next practice invites you to create a dialogue between the various parts of yourself. This practice involves using a three chairs approach, in which each chair represents a part of you that is participating in the dialogue. The first chair represents your observer or wise self. The second chair represents the part of yourself that feels judged or criticized. The third chair represents the part of you that is critical and judgmental. Begin by setting up your chairs in a triangular shape. Then, sit in the seat that reflects the part of you who is the observer and wise self. Take a few deep breaths and connect to your center. Notice your feet on the floor. See if you can find a resource that helps you to feel present and calm. Perhaps you would like to set an intention for this practice. For example, you might focus on compassion and self-acceptance. When you feel grounded, move to the chair that represents the part of you that feels criticized. Take a moment to reflect upon a time when you felt judged. Maybe there was an event that triggered these feelings. Notice how you feel in your body as you think about this time. What thoughts are you having? What emotions are you feeling? From this seat, look at the chair of your inner critic. Give voice to the experience of being criticized. For example, you might say, “It hurts when you put me down” or “I don’t like it when you criticize me!” Notice your posture and tone of voice as you sit in this chair. Now, give yourself an opportunity to say, “What I really need is…”

When you feel ready, move to the seat that represents your inner critic. Notice how you feel as you move into this chair. Begin to give voice to this part of you. Perhaps you start by saying, “You are so…” or “I don’t like it when you…” Again, notice your posture and tone of voice. Is there any familiarity to the message communicated by this part of you? Does this voice remind you of anyone from your past? Take the time to explore the needs of this part as well. Perhaps this part is afraid of feeling out of control or powerless. Maybe you explore the words, “I feel threatened when…” Now, cultivate a dialogue by going back and forth between the chair of the inner critic and the part of you that feels criticized. Take your time until both parts have had an opportunity to be heard and understood. When you feel ready, move back to the first chair; the seat of your compassionate and wise self. Take a few deep breaths to connect back to your center. From this seat, turn your compassionate attention toward your inner critic. Can you recognize the fear or need for control that motivates this part of you? What words of wisdom can you offer to your self-critic? Now, turn your attention to the chair that represents the part of you that feels criticized. Reflect upon the hurts and needs that characterize this part of you. From the space of acceptance and love, what would you like to say to this part of you? See if you can welcome yourself, just as you are. If you find that you are having difficulty with this practice, remember that you do not need to heal alone. If it is difficult to stay present or to access the wise part of yourself, give yourself the gift of finding a caring therapist. They will occupy the seat of the compassionate witness and help you build this capacity for yourself. ___________________________________________________ _________

Today is an opportunity to create loving relationships between all of the parts of me.

Acceptance and Compassion When you step into nature, you see that each tree and flower is different from any other. None are exactly the same. They are each shaped by their environment in ways that make them swerve in asymmetrical shapes. In nature, it is easier to recognize that the beauty around you is created by these imperfect curves and notches. However, the experience of trauma can leave you feeling like you are “broken” or “damaged.” It may cause you to carry inaccurate beliefs that you are “flawed” and unworthy of love. Practicing acceptance and compassion can help you rise up from these negative internal messages. When you practice selfcompassion, you fully love and accept yourself just as you are. Can you see the ways that your life has shaped you through a lens of acceptance and compassion? Can you look at yourself the same way you would appreciate a tree or a flower? What happens if you embrace your imperfections, knowing that they are part of what makes you beautiful? Connecting to intentions of acceptance and compassion is an invitation to love yourself just as you are. You can imagine that painful emotions and sensations are parts of yourself knocking at the door of your awareness, asking for kindness. With practice, you can learn to welcome each part of yourself without judgment. You can learn to greet yourself with gentleness, acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, and kindness. As you tenderly give the gift of acceptance to yourself, notice if you believe that you are worthy of this kindness. If not, this is a sign to bring in even more love. Turn toward the rejection and hurt like you would hold a small child. Or follow the advice of Dr. Kristen Neff, researcher and self-compassion expert, who suggests that you imagine how you might greet a beloved friend when they are in pain. Then, see if you can greet yourself with this same degree of tenderness. Which each

uncomfortable feeling, ask yourself the important question, “What do I need now?” Research finds that regularly practicing self-compassion is associated with decreases in depression, anxiety, stress, and shame, as well as increases in life satisfaction, happiness, selfconfidence, and physical health (Neff, 2011). When you practice selfcompassion, you have an opportunity to slowly and gently open your heart, petal by petal. Living from your heart in this manner can feel like a prayer. Not a prayer of words or of requests but, rather, a prayer filled with grace that helps you recognize the precious gift of being alive.

37. Self-Compassion Take a few minutes to reflect on a time in your life when you could have used the support of a compassionate person. Allow yourself to create an image of this moment in time. Where were you? How old were you? Now, imagine that your present-day self walks into that image from your past. Imagine looking at your past self with compassion. What emotion do you see on the face of your past self? What does that part of you need the most? Can you allow your present-day self to meet the needs of your past self? Is there anything that you would like to say to your young self? Are there other allies, such as loving people, animals, or spiritual figures, who you would like to have had with you at that time? If so, imagine bringing them into this scene. Notice how you feel in your body now. What emotions are you feeling? Stay with this process for as long as you like until you feel a sense of completion. If you do not feel complete, make an agreement to return to this process or to bring this experience into therapy as needed. Take a few minutes to write about your experience. Remember, you can repeat this process with other memories from your life as often as needed. ___________________________________________________ _________

I love and accept myself just as I am.

Turning Toward Shame Shame is a wound of not belonging. It can leave you feeling like an exile, a stranger in a strange land. Perhaps you were abused, neglected, or misunderstood as a child. Or maybe you were excluded, belittled, or bullied. Shame arises when you take the “side” of the abuser—often because doing so is the safer option. You feel responsible or tell yourself that the abuse was in some way your fault. This kind of powerlessness accompanies feelings of confusion about who is to blame. As a result, you carry around the faulty belief that there is something inherently wrong with you. Shame might also occur as the result of an accumulation of subtle rejections of your authentic self-expression. You can imagine a child expressing excitement about a drawing they made for their parent and the subsequent hurt that arises when the parent responds with disinterest. It is a profound letdown when your joy goes unmatched or when your gifts are not received. You might feel embarrassed, humiliated, or overexposed. You might blush or feel the need to look away and hide your face. In time, you learn to turn away from that which you deeply desire. Shame can also arise as a result of a moral injury. A moral injury occurs when you have behaved in a manner that stands in contradiction to your values or beliefs (Graham, 2017). For example, a moral injury can occur after bearing witness to someone being bullied and feeling helpless, unable to stop it, or incapable of protecting them. A moral injury is common among service members who may have entered the military in the hope of protecting their country but end up witnessing or perpetrating violence that leaves them with feelings of guilt and shame. It is common to adopt compensatory strategies to cover up shame. For example, you might lash out and blame other people to avoid feeling shame and rejection. Or you might withdraw from

connection altogether to avoid the risk of getting hurt, as the possibility of being met with rejection again can feel intolerable. Although lashing out or isolating yourself might temporarily reduce your risk of hurt, embarrassment, or rejection, it perpetuates feelings of shame across time. Ultimately, you will need to learn how to turn toward these feelings of hurt, humiliation, or embarrassment without the need to run away, attack yourself, or attack others. To do so, you can learn to reach out for connection in small ways. Sometimes, reaching for connection is initially easier to achieve through text or email. The screen of a computer or phone can allow you to tolerate the vulnerability of connection while maintaining a degree of privacy. As you feel increasingly comfortable, you can explore in-person social interactions. Initially, you might experiment with simple exchanges, such as making eye contact or smiling at a stranger in the grocery store. Or, if you have the tendency to habitually say, “I’m fine” when a caring friend asks how you are, you might instead explore how it feels to share honestly when you feel sad or lonely. Ideally, your honesty allows others to respond with greater sensitivity and kindness, which can lead to a more satisfying exchange. Importantly, you can choose the timing and depth of your interactions. You can open up to others and, when you have had enough, turn inward and connect to yourself. Shame is a direct connection to your undeniably legitimate human needs. At some point in our lives, most people have experienced the pain of being rejected, excluded, misunderstood, or feeling unloved. These are relatively universal human wounds. As a result, we also share basic needs to feel accepted, included, understood, and loved. If you have a tendency to dismiss your feelings, then it will be important to cultivate your ability to validate your own needs and longings. Once again, this involves the practice of self-compassion. Ideally, you can learn to turn toward yourself with kindness by speaking to yourself in a loving tone or gently placing your hands over your heart in a gesture of self-love. Brené Brown (2015) writes that it takes great courage to risk feeling shame, but this process is worthwhile. As you learn to tolerate the vulnerability of shame, you will also reclaim your capacity to feel joy. Although some rejections in life are inevitable,

you can learn that you will be okay; perhaps you will even become stronger as a result. Ultimately, you will learn that while your needs may have been denied by some people, it is possible to find other people who will effectively meet your needs for connection, love, excitement, and joy. You can find people who meet you with enthusiasm now, even if you weren’t celebrated as a child. Although reaching out for connection entails risks, these risks are worthwhile in caring relationships.

38. Embodied Compassion for Shame Sometimes, when shame arises, you might notice a desire to hide. In the following self-care practice, you will honor this instinctive impulse for self-protection. Take some time to bring your attention to a memory that is connected to the feeling of shame. Set an intention to bring care and kindness to yourself. Take a few breaths and explore bringing your palms together, rubbing them until you feel some warmth, and gently placing your hands over your face. Take a moment and feel the connection of your hands on your face. Can you feel the warmth from your palms? How does it feel to give yourself permission to hide behind your hands? When shame arises, there is sometimes a tenderness in the space around your heart. Take a few breaths and rub your hands together again. This time, gently place your hands over your heart. Take a moment and breathe into the connection of your hands over your heart. If it feels right to you, compassionately acknowledge the tenderness of your heart. Now, return your attention to the memory that is connected to the feeling of shame, and notice if there is any other place in your body that needs support. Maybe you notice a sensation in your belly or in your throat. Explore how it feels to bring your hands over any area of your body that needs care and attention. Give yourself as much time as necessary to mindfully explore

the feeling of compassionate connection between your hands and your body. When you feel complete, take some time to write about your experiences of shame and your response to this practice. Remember, it is often important to seek therapeutic support to help develop compassion for feelings of shame. ___________________________________________________ _________

I turn toward my shame with compassion. My needs for connection are valid.

Somatic Repatterning Before you were able to stand, walk, or talk, you began to explore the world through your body. Your natural reflexes such as sucking, curling, reaching, and grasping movements allowed you to know yourself. The ways in which you were held, spoken to, and touched also shaped your felt sense of self. For example, if as a child you knew that you were safe to explore your environment and that you could reach for (and obtain) what you wanted, this provided you with a deep sense of accomplishment and gratification. Growing up in this type of environment, you were also empowered to know that you could move away from or push away unpleasant experiences. However, when there is early childhood trauma, our basic instincts are often blocked. You can imagine a child who was threatened and wanted to kick, scream, or run away but wasn’t able to do so for fear of making a bad situation worse. When it comes to healing from any trauma, it is important to recognize that the body holds memories of what happened and provides tremendous feedback regarding the impact of the trauma on your physical being. Simply put, your body keeps the score (van der Kolk, 2015). For example, you might carry tension in your

body that makes it difficult to relax, or your posture might be a reflection of your emotions. You might close off your chest to protect your heart from events that occurred years ago. You might continue to freeze or collapse in response to current events that trigger feelings related to your traumatic past. Or you might notice how trauma from your past obstructs your willingness to look someone in the eyes, stand up tall, or speak with confidence. Importantly, your body does not just hold the memory of what happened—it also holds the memory of what it wanted to happen. For example, if you were neglected, you may have given up on physically reaching out for the support of others. In this case, reclaiming your ability to express your longing for connection can be guided by experiencing the sensations in your body. A tightness in the throat might resolve by making a sound or crying out for connection. Or following an impulse to reach out through your arms can open up a new possibility of reaching out to others in the world now. This new movement pattern can help to create boundaries in your life today with greater success. Healing from trauma involves increasing your awareness of these habitual patterns of tension in your body. Once you develop this awareness, then you can start to experiment with small changes in your breath, posture, eye contact, and body movement. For example, if you tend to keep your arms in tight to your body, then you might experiment with how it feels to take up more space. Or you might explore lengthening your spine and lifting your gaze, and notice how these subtle changes impact your sense of self. As you continue to explore your somatic experience, you might begin to notice various movement impulses. Although it can take time to learn to trust your instincts and intuition, this process can eventually help you find resolution in body and mind. Explore trusting your body and following sensations that help you to unwind tension. If you tend to have tension in your jaw, then you might exaggerate your sensations by scrunching your face tightly and then opening your jaw into a wide yawn. Or if you tend to hunch your shoulders, then you could follow that impulse until you curl into a small ball. Eventually, you can allow yourself to freely associate, noticing any

thoughts, memories, or images that arise as you honor your sensations and movement impulses. Sometimes this process of somatic repatterning can cause trembling or shaking in your arms and legs as you release long-held tension from your body. Within somatic psychology, this process of discharging tension from the body is referred to as sequencing (Aposhyan, 2007). In sequencing, you aim to allow feelings to move all the way through your body—out your arms or legs—until you feel a sense of relief or satisfaction. As you release tension from your body, you have an opportunity to discover a greater sense of freedom in your body and mind. Your body gives you feedback about when the events of the past no longer define your life in the present. Often, working with a therapist is instrumental to any embodiment practice because habitual somatic patterns can be difficult to recognize; they are fundamentally integrated into the fibers of our identity. A somatically trained therapist can offer a compassionate reflection of your embodied self-expression.

39. Healing Through Movement Take some time to bring your attention to a difficult memory. As you reflect upon this time in your life, notice the sensations in your body. Perhaps scan your body from head to toe and notice any areas of tension. Are these feelings and sensations familiar? What happens if you explore subtle movements that increase your awareness of these areas of your body? Maybe you tighten an area of your body or breathe more deeply into your sensations. Notice if you feel any urge to move your body. Perhaps you notice a desire to push into your arms or your feet. Maybe you feel an impulse to reach out with your hands. Or you might notice a desire to move your legs as if you were running away or kicking. You can also explore making a sound that matches the feeling in your body. Give yourself as much time as you need to find any movements or sounds that match the sensations you have in your body. Allow any spontaneous movements to sequence out your arms or legs. When you feel complete, take a few moments to come into stillness and notice your connection to your body. Reflect upon the distressing memory that you started with and observe if anything has changed. Perhaps you sense a feeling of satisfaction or resolution. Releasing tension in the body is a vulnerable process. If you notice a lingering sense of frustration, then you may choose to work through this memory in therapy.

When you feel ready, take some time to write about your experience, knowing that you can repeat this process with other sensations or areas of tension. ___________________________________________________ _________

I can learn to trust my sensations and movement instincts. I am embodied.

A Light in the Dark Sometimes, the most persistent symptoms of PTSD are connected to events for which you have no clear memory. Our earliest memories, often referred to as implicit memories or “body memories,” are not stored as images but, rather, are felt as sensations or states of physiological arousal (Schore, 2012). This is because our brains do not develop the language capacity needed to put memories into words until we are about 3 years old. Therefore, implicit memories might come in the form of flashes of images, disconnected fragments, or uncomfortable physical sensations with no known cause. If you experienced medical complications during or after your birth, grew up neglected, or suffered abuse as a child, then these events may have been encoded as implicit memories. Implicit memories are not just confined to early experiences in childhood, as traumatic events are also encoded into your implicit memory system. It is for this reason that traumatic events that occurred later in life can sometimes be difficult to remember as well. Traumatic stress can impair the brain structures involved with the formation of explicit memories, which prevents your brain from consolidating the trauma and organizing it within a context of your previous experiences. When the traumatic experience fails to be integrated in this manner, it forms the physiological basis for

dissociative memories. Dissociation is not solely a biological response; it is a psychological defense as well. In this case, dissociation keeps intolerable emotions, sensations, and arousal states out of conscious awareness. Implicit memories are not reliable. These memories often contain vividly recalled fragments of sensory details, such as smells, sounds, or felt experiences. However, the research on implicit memories suggests that these fragments do not represent an exact replay of the original set of events (Loftus & Ketcham, 1994). When we remember any memory, we are almost always inserting new information related to our present state of mind and environment. Moreover, as human beings, we are storytellers. We tend to fill in the missing elements of memories because we have a fundamental need to develop a narrative that is consistent with our current sense of self. It is important to know that you can heal from traumatic events even if you cannot recall all of the details of the trauma. Although it can be tempting to project a narrative onto your body memories, learn to describe the somatic sensations associated with the memory instead. For instance, you might use words like tingly, hot, dull, heavy, or sharp. However, it can be difficult to talk about or describe traumatic memories, especially if you have symptoms of dissociation. In this case, you might experience sensations of nausea, fatigue, or dizziness. Moreover, you might notice areas of numbness. Here the task is to slowly turn toward the dissociative symptoms or experience of numbness. Notice what happens as you stay committed to repairing this disconnection with yourself. It is often important to bring in your resources of grounding, imagined allies, or self-compassion, especially because this process can evoke feelings of shame or self-doubt. Remember, the goal of therapy is not memory retrieval; rather, the goal is trauma recovery in which you actively distinguish the past from the present. In this way, you learn to bring a light into the darkness. You heal as you focus on the choices available to you in your life now. As a result, you reclaim your resilience. Explore the next two practices to help you attend to implicit memories.

40. Working with a Story Memory Sometimes the content of implicit memories is known because you have been told a story about your life. What do you know about the first two or three years of your life? Do you know the story of your birth? Do you know if you were wanted? Do you know if there were any medical complications that happened in your early childhood? Were there any losses in your family, such as a death or divorce? Take some time to reflect upon one of these experiences and notice the sensations that you experience in your body. Perhaps you want to imagine a supportive ally who can be with you. Notice if you are aware of any movement impulses. Begin to describe your somatic experience. What helps you find a sense of resolution in body and mind with this implicit memory? Take some time to write about your experience. ___________________________________________________ _________

I trust the wisdom of my body to unwind the stories of the past.

41. Working with an Unknown Memory Sometimes the content of implicit memories is not known. In this case, you might only notice somatic sensations with little to no images or words. Here the invitation is to remain curious about your experience. You might have thoughts or images that arise, but it is important to hold these experiences lightly. If you feel the urge to tell a story about your experience, see if you can return to describing your sensations. See what happens as you stay with your sensations. If you feel numb, give yourself permission to attend to this experience. Allow yourself to notice your thoughts and emotions. If you notice that you want to judge your sensations as good or bad, focus on compassion and selfacceptance instead. Perhaps you want to imagine a supportive ally who can be with you. Notice if you are you aware of any movement impulses. Begin to describe your somatic experience. What helps you find a sense of resolution with the sensations or vague memory? Take some time to write about your experience. If you find it challenging to work directly with the sensations or vague memory, then you can also work with implicit memories using the process of pendulation presented in Practice 35. Traumatic memories that are preverbal or have dissociative elements can be very challenging. This work is best supported in the context of therapy.

___________________________________________________ _________

I do not need to remember the details of the past in order to heal. My body is my teacher.

The Transgenerational Legacy Unresolved trauma of one generation can be a legacy that gets passed down to the next generation and those that follow. This transferring of transgenerational trauma can occur either directly or indirectly. For example, perhaps your dad felt that he wasn’t good enough for his father, or your mom grew up in a household characterized by neglect. Perhaps someone in your family experienced the death of a child that was never grieved, or they were witness to a large-scale traumatic event, such as the Holocaust or Hiroshima. What if these traumas of the past remained taboo subjects that no one ever talked about? When previous generations’ traumas remain unprocessed, it can slow down or interfere with your forward-focused energy, leaving you feeling heavy or stuck. It can also impact your relationships with your significant others and your children. For example, if you needed to take care of your mother as a child, then you might resent having to take care of your own child because no one was there for you. Or perhaps you find yourself terrified of losing a child and learn of a similar loss faced by your grandmother. Maybe you find yourself hovering over or yelling at your children even though you swore you wouldn’t act like your parents. Why do we repeat painful emotional and behavioral patterns across generations? Transgenerational trauma is often carried forth through implicit memories that hold experiences of the past in the form of sensations and emotions. One way these legacies are handed down across generations is through the early attachment

relationship between parents and their children. Patterns of facial expressions, tone of voice, and touch can be passed down, parentto-child, for many generations. In turn, you might experience distressing sensations, emotions, or physical symptoms of illness with no known cause. Initially, you might look for personal causes to try and explain your symptoms. However, when you look further back in your family tree, you might discover that your symptoms are invisibly connected to traumatic events that occurred long before you were born. You might be sensing remnants of unresolved trauma from generations that preceded you. Unresolved trauma changes how the body responds to and manages stress, and these physiological changes can be detected in subsequent generations. For example, children born to mothers with PTSD are more likely to develop PTSD if they too face a traumatic life experience (Yehuda, 2008). This example of transgenerational trauma is, in part, due to changes in how these children are raised. For example, if a parent has PTSD, then they are more likely to feel anxious and worried. They might have a harder time letting their children be free to explore the world due to fears that something bad could happen to them. They might come across as angry, controlling, or intrusive. As a result, children might respond by becoming anxious, submissive, or angry themselves. These genetic changes and behavioral legacies can lead to disruptions in emotional and physical health. From an evolutionary standpoint, these children can be thought of as pre-conditioned or biologically prepared for stress. Perhaps you already know about stories of challenges faced by previous generations in your family. If not, take the time to illuminate your ancestral roots, as attending to the legacy of transgenerational trauma can be an important component of reclaiming your emotional health and physical well-being (Wolynn, 2016). It can provide insight into your symptoms and reveal invisible barriers that stand between you and your life goals. Most importantly, you hold the potential for a new, revised future. You can feel and move yourself through and beyond what has been handed down to you. Attend to the stories that you have learned about previous generations. You might grieve for their losses or explore how to make amends for their transgressions. Even if you have no way to learn about your family

stories, you might still sense a story in your body. In this case, you can learn to trust your capacity to heal by releasing tension from your body, making space for your emotions, and releasing any limiting beliefs that inhibit your ability to live freely. Through mindful embodiment practices, you can learn to differentiate the present from the past. Any story can either bind you or free you, depending on how it is told. Once you recognize that you are carrying a family legacy, you get to choose how this story ends. You have an opportunity to let go of the burdens of the past. What if all your ancestors ever wanted was for you to be the best possible version of yourself? What happens if you imagine the generations that preceded you standing at your back, wishing you well? Can you give yourself permission to imagine a future filled with new possibilities? Who will you become? What will you give to the next generation?

42. Transgenerational Healing This practice invites you to reflect on the generations before you, both those living and those that are deceased. Think about your family of origin, including grandparents, greatgrandparents, and any other relatives that come to mind. Are you aware of any traumatic events that happened to your parents or previous generations in your family? Are you aware of any family secrets? Do you know if any traumatic events or losses were never fully healed? Are you aware of any unfinished business? What do you notice in your body as you reflect upon your family? Are you aware of any emotions? Do you notice any beliefs about yourself or the world? What words best describe your experience right now? By exploring the stories of your past, you have an opportunity to find a resolution that best serves your future. What would help you to resolve any lingering hurts, resentments, fears, or regrets that were passed on to you? In what ways can even the difficult experiences of your parents or ancestors help you to become a stronger or better person? ___________________________________________________ _________

Attending to my ancestral roots helps me grow toward my future.

No Mud, No Lotus From a Jungian perspective, the deep, transformational work of attending to traumatic wounds can be considered shadow work. The shadow is comprised of all of the parts of yourself that feel too risky to bring out into the world. In short, the shadow contains all of the qualities that contribute to the person who you would rather not be. You can think of shadow work as attending to the muddy places from your past. In his book No Mud, No Lotus, Buddhist teacher Thich Naht Hanh (2014) informs us that in order for the lotus flower to grow, it must have its roots in the mud. He uses this as a reminder that we must make use of our suffering in order to find our happiness. He cautions that we do not want to get stuck in the muck, which can lead us to only see our suffering. However, if we avoid our pain, then we also avoid our growth. The shadow can live within your body and within your psyche. It can arise as grief, beliefs of unworthiness, powerfully vivid dreams, or patterns of tension, pain, and illness. You might discover the shadow in strong reactions to stories, movies, or myths. Whether the shadow is personal or related to your family or culture, these themes need to be brought forward into the light of awareness so they do not become a blind spot in your life. When left unaddressed, any denied part of the self can become a blind spot. When driving your car, you put yourself at risk if you forget to look over your shoulder and check your blind spot. However, this is true in all parts of life. As you learn to turn toward these hidden places, you are actually better able to protect yourself and move more successfully through the world. By attending to your own personal suffering, you also have an opportunity to develop compassion for the suffering of others (Halifax, 2004). You can learn how deeply interconnected we all are with each other and our planet.

When you sense a connection to your shadow, you might explore asking, “What are you here to teach me?” or “What do you need from me?” This process can involve exploring uncomfortable or unwanted memories, emotions, and body sensations. The goal of shadow work is not to transcend the darkness nor is it to become trapped by it. Rather, you touch into your pain and allow yourself to be transformed in the process. You become your own personal alchemist, capable of turning the lead of traumatic events into the gold of insight. Remember, shadow work is part of the hero’s journey. What tools or allies do you need to befriend your fears and confront your inner demons? Exploring the content of your dreams and nightmares is a powerful approach to working with your shadow. You can explore a dream with the assumption that all characters and symbols are parts of you. Bring these images to life by writing them down, exploring them in therapy, re-imagining them, or acting them out. You can explore embodying the various images as parts of you. This gives you the opportunity to go within and discover the personal significance of your dream. It is yours to interpret. Moreover, you might work with the same dream more than once, with the recognition that a dream can have many meanings depending upon how or when you look at it. Furthermore, if you have nightmares in which you feel stuck or dreams that end prematurely, you can use the power of your mind to envision a new ending. Jung called this active imagination, a process by which you allow your waking mind to create a more satisfying completion to a dream. If you don’t remember your dreams, this same process can be done with fantasies. Perhaps you experience an obsession about an ex-partner or a fascination with a stranger across the room. Or, alternatively, you might notice a strong repulsion or feeling of disgust that arises in response to someone in your life. You can free up shadow material that is bound in fantasies and reactions by reclaiming what this object or person represents for you. As you bring this person to mind, try saying, “You are the part of me that…” and allow yourself to notice what arises. As you enter the sacred practice of shadow work, be open to the gifts of self-discovery. Attending to the shadow not only illuminates

the darker parts of your personality, but it also gives you access to disowned, positive parts of yourself. Remember, this is a quest for wholeness. Perhaps you received messages that you should stay small or that you were “too much.” In this case, shadow work might be an invitation for you to take ownership of your strengths and potential. Just like the lotus flower, shadow work can help you embrace your capacity for growth.

43. Working with the Shadow Take some time to reflect on these writings about the shadow. Are you aware of the way that your shadow tries to get your attention? Maybe you remember a powerful dream or a notable reaction to a movie or book. Perhaps you notice a strong positive or negative reaction to another person. Choose one of these access points to use as a focus for this practice of working with your shadow. As you bring the image, feeling, or person to mind, notice your experience in your body and mind. Take a moment to sit with this phrase, “You are the part of me that…” and allow yourself to notice what comes to your mind. Ask this image or feeling, “What are you here to teach me?” Now, allow yourself to notice what arises when you ask, “What do you need from me?” Give yourself as much time as necessary to write your responses, knowing that you can repeat this process with other dreams, images, fantasies, and reactions as needed. While there are many ways to integrate shadow material on your own, there are times when you might need therapeutic support to process the parts of you that are split off, hidden, or denied. ___________________________________________________ _________

By honoring my shadow, I embrace my wholeness.

Chapter Review The aim of this chapter was to help you to attend more directly to the pain related to traumatic events and loss. This deepened process of self-discovery asked you to explore your edges, expand your tolerance for discomfort, and release the impact of traumatic events from your body. You explored your own rhythms of expansion and contraction. You explored your feelings about the process of change and developed an empowerment resource to help you find the strength to overcome your own personal obstacles. You received guidance on trauma reprocessing from the perspective of EMDR therapy and somatic repatterning. You looked at the parts of you that sabotage your healing efforts or carry shame and practiced bringing in greater self-compassion. Lastly, you brought skills of memory reprocessing and somatic repatterning into preverbal events and transgenerational traumas. All of these practices are aspects of shadow work—a process that helps you to reclaim your wholeness. As you proceed forward in this book, remember that growth is not linear. You can reestablish a connection to your resources from Chapter 2 and return to the transformational practices of this chapter to reenergize your path forward.

Review and Reflect Take a few minutes to review your responses to the selfreflection practices in this chapter. What have you learned about yourself? What are you aware of now? ___________________________________________________ _________

CHAPTER 4

…

Awakening: Blooming into Post-Traumatic Growth

The transformational process of working through traumatic events often provides an increased self-awareness and a greater recognition of your strengths. In this chapter, you will have an opportunity to focus on integrating the insights gained from the previous chapters. You can think of this as the time to attend to the new growth in your garden. The seeds which you planted may still be fresh, green sprouts that require protection and careful tending. It is important that you do not approach these tender shoots of growth aggressively. Rather, each season of the transformational process encourages self-compassion and nourishing rest so that you can stay rooted while you grow. With the sunlight of your awareness, you can guide yourself to bloom into your full potential by growing the thoughts and actions that support your best self. You get to choose what parts of your life you want to grow and flourish. You cultivate post-traumatic growth by actively exploring the meaning that you

make out of your life experiences. Perhaps you find profound selfdiscoveries that could never have been achieved without having faced losses or challenges. This chapter will help you focus on your strengths and build a life of purpose. From Pain to Possibility One of the key ways that we grow from adversity lies in the ways that we interpret or make meaning about our life experiences (Tedeschi et al., 2018). In particular, post-traumatic growth is fostered by reflecting upon our experiences in a way that provides a sense of meaning or purpose. From this lens, traumatic events can be catalysts for growth. For example, we might realize that we are stronger than we previously believed, be more likely to accept ourselves as we are, have an increased appreciation of life, develop new interests or passions, or discover new spiritual perspectives (Tedeschi et al., 2018). Importantly, creating meaning out of trauma involves coming to terms with the lack of reason or overpowering senselessness that often surrounds acts of violence, abuse, or even natural disasters (Frankl, 1959/2006). It can feel nearly impossible to comprehend such events, especially when they are delivered by fellow humans. However, this is the task of trauma recovery: to reflect upon our losses and discover that which helps us derive a sense of meaning out of suffering. Looking for meaning is not the same as saying, “All things happen for a reason,” which is a misused phrase that can be both confusing and hurtful. Rather, meaning comes from actively committing yourself to the task of working through despair until you feel a sense of hope for your future. Sometimes traumatic events can lead you to question existing belief systems that have provided you with a sense of meaning. You might question your spiritual beliefs, explore spirituality for the first time, or wonder how any divine presence (God, universal life force, infinite spirit) could allow atrocities or evil to exist in the world. Ultimately, how you answer these questions and make meaning out of the trauma is a very personal process. There is no universal meaning that can be generalized to all people or situations. You need to explore what

feels right to you, and only you will know when you have just the right words. There are three common sources of meaning, each of which is connected to the values that you hold about yourself and for your life (Frankl, 1986). The first source of meaning is connected to having creative values, in which meaning is connected to an action of creation, such as expressing yourself musically, artistically, constructively, or intellectually. In other words, the act of building a house, writing a book, or completing a painting helps give meaning to your struggles. The second source of meaning comes from having experiential values, in which meaning is derived through inspiring, life-changing moments. Such moments might be found in feeling awe within the beauty of nature, sensing the miracle in the birth of a child, exploring world travel, or feeling deeply loved by another human being. The third source of meaning comes from having attitudinal values, which refers to the ability to reflect upon your life circumstances. You didn’t choose what happened to you, but you do have the freedom to choose how you respond to those events. It is in the power of your beliefs and attitudes that gives you this freedom. When you first embark on the journey of meaning making, it is helpful to do so within the context of a trusting and compassionate relationship, such as with a therapist. Engaging in a search for meaning with someone else can be especially important if you feel an ongoing sense of helplessness or despair, as the presence of another person can help remind you that change is achievable. Together you can arrive at new conclusions about the pain of your past and discover new possibilities for your future. Meaning making is an ongoing process, so give yourself permission to adapt and change your story until you arrive at a satisfactory ending. The more difficult the trauma or loss, the harder you will have to work to find your inner strength, courage, and sense of hope. Once you have defined your story and come to an adequate conclusion, you might choose to share your story with others. Doing so can help you integrate your experience and realize a deeper sense of yourself.

44. Making Meaning Out of Suffering Take some time to reflect upon the traumatic events or losses that you have faced. In what ways have you already created meaning about the events of your past? In what ways have these events changed you? Have any of these events resulted in positive changes in your life? Are you aware of any strengths that you have discovered as a result of your difficult experiences? In what ways do you relate to the descriptions of creative, experiential, and attitudinal values? How do you currently express these values in your life? ___________________________________________________ _________

I have the freedom to choose how I make sense of and respond to my unique life experiences. I can move from pain to possibility.

Passion and Purpose

Values can be thought of as a compass that helps motivate you to grow in the direction of your dreams. Although people sometimes confuse values with goals, there are important differences between the two. Values connect to what you stand for and what you want your life to be about, whereas goals are more specific achievements that are motivated by your values. In other words, values are the underlying principles that drive goal-directed behaviors. For example, if you value creative expression, then your goal may be to finish a painting. Similarly, if you value curiosity, then your goal may be to learn a new skill. Importantly, you cultivate a meaningful life when you live in alignment with your values, so it is important to reflect on whether the life you are living is actually focused around what brings you a sense of meaning (Hayes, 2005). For example, you might value spending quality time with other people but have few social interactions. If a gap like this exists between your values and how you actually live your life, then it can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction. You can increase your overall well-being by reducing the discrepancies that exist between your actual life and your ideal life. You close this gap by aligning your mind, emotions, body, and behaviors toward a congruent and cohesive whole. You create value-based actions that help you to feel fulfilled and self-actualized in your life. Such value-driven behaviors might include expressing your creativity, spending time outdoors, spending quality time with other people, taking care of others, volunteering in your community, becoming well educated, or taking time for spiritual reflection. You can also promote wellness in your life by focusing on your capabilities rather than deficits or diagnoses (Seligman, 2004). Identify the strengths that you already possess, and then focus on doing something each day that draws on those strengths. Some examples of common character strengths include creativity, openmindedness, love of learning, bravery, persistence, integrity, kindness, fairness, leadership, humility, forgiveness, gratitude, humor, hope, and having a sense of social responsibility (Peterson & Seligman, 2004). For example, if kindness is one of your strengths, then you might explore how it feels to do a random act of kindness each day, such as allowing a car to move into your lane or giving a

friend a compliment. Or if you exhibit a strong sense of social responsibility, then you might explore how it feels when you volunteer for a cause you believe in. When your behaviors are expressions of your strengths and values, you are more likely to feel as though your entire life is organized around a core sense of yourself. You will feel as if you are in the flow of your life. Perhaps you begin to experience a sense of effortlessness or ease in expressing yourself in the world. Identifying your strengths and values can help you to focus your efforts so that you can achieve your goals. As a result, you live a life that expresses your passions and fulfills a deeper sense of purpose.

45. Identifying Your Values Take some time to think about what it is you value in life. Do you value being creative, connecting with nature, spending time with loved ones, giving back to the community, learning new things, or taking time for spiritual reflection? What gives you meaning? Now, think about the kinds of people that you admire. What are the characteristics or behaviors of these individuals that you appreciate most? What does this teach you about your own values? How would you like your life to look a month from now or a year from now? What does this ideal future teach you about your values? Knowing that your values might change over time, take a few minutes to create a list of values that you would like to focus on at this time in your life. As you look over this list, take a moment to reflect on how often you participate in behaviors that are aligned with these values. Write down some ways you can design your life to better reflect your values. ___________________________________________________ _________

I choose behaviors that reflect my values to live a life of purpose.

46. Exploring Your Strengths Look over the following list of common character strengths and identify which traits characterize you: creativity, openmindedness, love of learning, bravery, persistence, integrity, kindness, fairness, leadership, humility, forgiveness, gratitude, humor, hope, and having a sense of social responsibility. Is there something that is not included on this list that speaks to your soul? In what ways is your life already aligned with your strengths? What new actions would help you to create greater alignment? Take a few moments to write down your thoughts. ___________________________________________________ _________

I align my life with my strengths to increase my well-being.

Will and Surrender Within the mindfulness practice of yoga there is a premise that will and surrender are polarities that need to exist in balance. Like two wings of a bird, these qualities need to function in tandem to create flight. This offers a beautiful metaphor for life. Too much willful effort

and you risk becoming aggressive toward yourself. Too much emphasis on surrender and you risk feeling passive or stagnant. There is also a profound paradox between focusing on willful change and deeply accepting yourself just as you are. Sometimes we can so become so focused on a making a change that we create unnecessary anxiety. However, you are more likely to grow and actualize your potential when you feel deeply loved and accepted just as you are (Rogers, 1961/1995). Explore what happens when you allow yourself to trust that you can achieve your goals without having to approach your growth aggressively. In order to help you fulfill your potential, you can get into the practice of setting an intention, which involves putting your goals, hopes, or desires into words. Intentions are a reminder of how you would like to live your life. It is your intentions that bring energy to your actions in the world. To set an intention, choose a word or create a short phrase that aligns with how you want to live. For example, if your goal is to be less self-critical, then you might set an intention that states, “I intend to love and accept myself as I am.” If you would like to lead a more balanced life, then your intention may be, “I intend to honor what my body needs.” Keep in mind that your intentions might change over time. For instance, you might initially set an intention to focus on forgiveness, but, over time, this might evolve into a focus on acceptance. It is important to hold your intention loosely enough to accommodate your growth and change. Most importantly, once you have set your intention, give yourself permission to surrender and trust that you have set an important process in motion. You can think of the act of setting an intention as planting a seed in the garden of your mind. This seed holds the potential for your visions and dreams. However, you must bury this seed in the earth and trust that in time this seed will grow and bloom in a way that energizes and shapes your life. Of course, you must provide the seed with the right soil, water, nutrients, and sunlight. You cannot rush or force the growth of the seed just as you must allow for the full expression of your intention to occur when it is the right time. The following classic Sufi tale can help illuminate the value of balancing will and surrender in relation to setting an intention for

growth. In this story, a stream longs to reach the faraway mountains. This stream has already travelled a long, long distance and is confident that it can cross any barrier. Indeed, it has carved its way through rocks, leaving behind impressive canyons. It has changed landscapes and meandered across the vast countryside. Now the stream comes to the edge of the desert and is convinced that its destiny is to cross over to the great mountains in the distance. However, no matter how hard it tries, the stream disappears into the sand. The stream tries to hurl itself across the sand but cannot find a way. Then the stream hears the whispered voice of the desert saying, “If the wind crosses the desert so can the stream.” The stream is discouraged, thinking, “The wind can fly but I am not the wind.” The voice speaks again, “Your accustomed way of hurling yourself into the sand will not let you cross. Allow yourself to be absorbed into the wind.” The stream does not like this idea and is frightened of losing its identity. Again the desert speaks, “The wind will carry you over the desert to the mountains.” “How can I be sure of that?” wonders the stream. The desert responds once more, “In either case, you cannot remain the same, for if you continue in this way you will either disappear or end up as a marsh.” So, with great courage, the stream surrenders. Lifted as vapor, the stream is carried by the wind to the faraway mountains, and as the rain falls, it once again becomes a stream. In this story, were the stream to have had no will or aspiration, then it would have disappeared into the sands. However, without the ability to surrender, it would have never made its way to the mountains. Likewise, allow yourself to have intentions that support your aspirations and goals. Trust that you have planted the seeds that will allow you to grow into your full potential. Then explore what is possible when you surrender, trust, and let go.

47. Setting Your Intention What are you seeking to create more of in your life? Identify and write down an intention or set of intentions that support you in reaching these goals. You can choose to say this intention when you wake up in the morning and again before going to sleep at night. Or if you engage in a regular mindfulness practice, then you can say your intention to yourself or write it in a journal each time to begin your practice. It is also a powerful practice to share your intention with another person, as having a witness to your intention can help anchor it in the world. Remember, you do not need to hold your intention firmly or with effort. Explore what happens when you trust that you have set a process in motion. Surrender and see what you notice over time. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am living with intention. I balance willful acts of change with my ability to surrender.

Time to Rest

There are times when you simply must trust that you have worked hard enough. It is okay to give yourself permission to take time to rest. Too much focus on growth can lead you to deplete your resources. Farmers recognize that there are times when a field must be allowed to go fallow. This allows the land to regain nutrients that were sucked dry by too much planting. Likewise, when you feel tired, you can find balance by slowing down and drawing your awareness inward. This might look like taking a nap, engaging in a guided relaxation practice, participating in a restorative yoga practice, getting a massage, or going to bed early. Recognizing your need to rest will help you pace yourself during your transformational journey; ultimately, this can enhance your capacity for new growth. Most of us live in a world that is overstimulating and leaves the nervous system in a state of hyperarousal. Recall that imbalances in your nervous system can lead to disruptions in your physical health. Too much stress can lead to high blood pressure, blood sugar imbalances, and a suppressed immune system. In contrast, long periods of immobilization can contribute to digestive disturbances, chronic pain, and the development of autoimmune disorders. Integrating relaxation and restorative practices into your life can help you slow down, calm your nervous system, and find a greater sense of balance. Relaxation practices provide an antidote to our stressful, modern lifestyle and offer an opportunity to restore your body and mind by accessing the nourishing aspect of your parasympathetic nervous system. The key is to find a healthy relationship to rest, which requires that you differentiate a healthy relaxation response from that which causes you to feel collapsed, immobilized, or helpless. Restorative practices can also help you reclaim your health by replenishing your endocrine system, which is responsible for regulating sleep, metabolism, appetite, digestion, and hormone balance. In particular, these practices balance your endocrine system by reducing cortisol, alleviating symptoms of depression, enhancing immune system functioning, improving thyroid functioning, and nourishing your digestive organs. As a result, you are better able to take in the nutrients in your food and successfully release wastes or toxins from your body.

When you engage in relaxation and restorative practices, you are invited to descend into a quiet space, one in which you have the opportunity to simply be. It is a space of no thoughts, no actions, and no productivity. Descending into this space involves sensing the heaviness in your body. When you initially begin to engage in this practice, you might notice that you resist the call to go inside and rest. You might fear that if you slow down, you will get stuck in stagnancy or that you will miss an opportunity. Or maybe you have received historical messages that you’re lazy if you’re not always productive. In this case, it is important to reclaim your relationship with rest by redefining it as a healthy rhythm—one that will ultimately allow you to be more productive when the time is right. Experiment for yourself with this next practice, which you have permission to repeat as often as needed. Throughout your day and week, see if you can honor when it is time for you to rest. Perhaps it will be helpful to think of rest as a pull toward your center—an opportunity to connect deep into the core of your being. Perhaps this even offers you a chance to connect spiritually to yourself. See if you can trust that when the time is right, you will emerge stronger.

48. Relax and Restore Take some time to prepare for the following relaxation practice. You will need a quiet, uninterrupted space. You might choose to play soft, relaxing music if you find that this creates a calm and peaceful environment. If possible, dim the lights to support your awareness to drawing inward. If you know that you have any time restrictions, you might want to set a timer for your practice. Hopefully, you can engage in this relaxation practice for at least 5 minutes; but, ideally you can extend this practice to 20 minutes. Now, set up a space where you can find a relaxing position lying on your back. Perhaps you place a yoga mat or a blanket underneath you. You might also choose to place a blanket on top of you for warmth. You might place another folded blanket underneath your knees or a small pillow underneath your head. Adjust your position until you feel supported. Once you have positioned yourself comfortably, begin to scan your body with your awareness. Make space for whatever feelings arise, including any areas of tension or constriction. Take a deep inhale and imagine letting go of this tension on your exhale. Continue noticing your breath and inviting yourself to be still. Feel the heaviness of your body. Invite yourself to surrender into this deep relaxation. When you have completed your relaxation practice, take your time returning to sitting. Slowly, blink your eyes open. Notice the sights and sounds around you. When you feel ready, take a few minutes to write about your experience.

If you found this practice challenging, you might revisit Practice 23 “Reclaiming Safety in Mind and Body” to help strengthen your ability to safely immobilize into your parasympathetic nervous system. ___________________________________________________ _________

I give myself permission to rest. I deeply restore my body and mind.

Buried Treasure and Hidden Joys Having worked through the pain of your past, you might be noticing positive beliefs and feelings that were previously inaccessible. For example, you may have carried faulty beliefs that you were not lovable or that you were unworthy of joy. You might have inaccurately concluded that you would never feel safe in this world. However, after reprocessing the past, perhaps you are now able to recognize that you were always worthy of being loved or that you can make choices to protect your safety. As you arrive at a sense of completion with your past, it is common to feel more accepting of yourself. Once you have access to these positive feelings and beliefs about yourself, it is beneficial to take your time integrating these new experiences into your sense of self. You can enhance a good feeling by slowing down, breathing into the positive sensations, and allowing yourself to fully receive the nourishment of positive states. However, sometimes it is difficult to focus on the positive elements of life. This can be especially true if you had to diminish your joy during childhood. You might have memories of being put down for expressing your enthusiasm or exuberance. Or perhaps you were told that celebrating a good thing might make it go away. As a result, you may have learned to dim your brilliance, or you might feel frightened of these uplifting emotions. You might feel as if

joy isn’t as important as pain or grief. Or perhaps guilt interferes with your ability to feel happy. We all have a built-in “negativity bias” that causes us to focus on negative experiences and give them more weight, and this is especially true if you have a history of trauma. In order to counteract this negativity bias, we need to actively look for evidence of positivity and goodness in our lives. Doing so is especially important if you tend to dismiss your positive emotions. According to Dr. Rick Hanson, you can “hardwire happiness” and combat the negativity bias by following the acronym HEAL: Have a positive experience, Enrich it, Absorb it, and Link positive and negative material (Hanson, 2016). Focusing on positive experiences does not involve denying challenging experiences; rather, it involves integrating nourishing life moments into your life as a whole. As a result, you are more likely to reflect on how your life is a combination of both challenging and joyful experiences. With practice, it becomes easier to recall moments of happiness while simultaneously attending to your pain. Another way to grow positive moments is to share your joy with others. When you allow another person to know you inside of your joy, this creates an opportunity for an intimate exchange of uplifting emotions. Of course, this practice requires choosing people who will celebrate you and your accomplishments. Your openness can become an invitation for another person to expand into their joy and may spark the blossoming of shared happiness. As a result of sharing, see if you can stay with the positive experience for longer periods of time. You can also linger in and savor any positive moments by engaging in gratitude practices. Gratitude practices, such as keeping a daily gratitude journal, are associated with positive mood, increased optimism, a sense of connection to others, decreased pain, and better sleep (Emmons, 2007). Experiment for yourself. Notice what happens if you actively seek out the buried treasure and hidden joys of positive moments in your life. Notice the colors, sounds, scents, and tastes of each joyful experience. Give yourself permission to fully enjoy a hot cup of tea or slowly take in each distinct flavor in a favorite meal. Go for a walk outside and take the

time to notice the colors of the trees, grass, and sky. Allow yourself to be nourished by the things you love. What joys do you discover in your breath or in the sensations of your body? What treasures live inside of your imagination? Make a point of finding these positive moments whether they are in your home, the great outdoors, or the creativity of your mind. By allowing yourself to savor these positive moments and pleasurable sensory experiences, you help build your capacity for joy, happiness, and excitement. Just like children love treasure maps and instinctively know the importance of looking for gold or digging up buried treasure, you also have this built-in capacity to look for the good, to persist until you find it, and to allow yourself to celebrate joyfully once it has been found. It is a great gift to be alive, but we sometimes forget. Like pirates that come and steal your joy, the critical voices of yourself or others leave you emptied out and depleted. While it may be buried deep inside, the capacity for pleasure and joy exists in us all. This deep sense of gratitude for life itself is simply awaiting rediscovery. Even if there are pirates, be the child and find the treasures that life holds for you.

49. Enhancing Positive Emotions Take a few minutes to reflect upon one positive change that you have discovered as a result of working through difficult life events. What words or new beliefs about yourself best describe this positive change? What emotions are you aware of as you focus on this positive change? Can you let any positive feelings grow and expand? Can you allow the positive feeling to radiate through your face? Can you allow your entire body to reflect how you are feeling? Notice if any resistance arises when focusing on positive emotions. If this is the case, you are not doing anything wrong. Take your time to explore and write down any beliefs or constrictions in your body that block positive emotions. Rather than trying to make the resistance go away, see what happens if you breathe into and offer acceptance toward any resistance or constriction. Sometimes, lingering tension might help you get in touch with an underlying loss or wound. If this is the case, you can return to the practices from Chapter 3 that support you to reprocess traumatic events. ___________________________________________________ _________

I can integrate positive changes into my sense of self. I can choose to focus on positive moments.

50. Growing Through Gratitude In this practice, explore actively creating positive experiences within your life. Perhaps you make a ritual around a cup of tea each morning or bring home a bouquet of flowers just because they bring you joy. Take the time to notice how you feel in your body as you take in these positive moments. Take a deep breath and allow the positive feelings to grow. Experiment with keeping a gratitude journal, or keep a list of three things each day that you are grateful for. Notice how you feel after engaging in these practices over time. Take your time to write about your experiences on the lines below. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am grateful. I am nourished by pleasurable experiences in my life.

Art and Soul Art has the power to move you to a space beyond words. For many trauma survivors, it provides a refuge from life’s challenges. It helps them to find freedom from a feeling of being trapped in despair or

discontent. You can explore your own sense of creativity through music, creative writing, poetry, drama, dance, painting, or photography. No matter your medium, the arts have the ability to connect you to your senses, help you feel fully alive, and help you express your authentic self. Creative expression can transport you to the realm of your soul—into the heartfelt experience of a meaningful life. Traumatic events in any form can leave you feeling as though you’ve been sent into the wilderness without a map. When you bring forth your own creative offering, it can become a guide for others who are suffering. It provides a documented journey from despair into hope, much like leaving a trail of bread crumbs that allows others to find their way home. In this manner, creativity can serve as a bridge between you and the world. Sometimes this connection occurs through rituals, in which drums, dancing, and singing help to hold the container for loss and grief. Sometimes this connection occurs through theater, in which we are transported into stories of sorrow and triumph. Within the sacred space of the creative, we find moments that move us to tears, laughter, and joy. We discover the ecstasy of wholehearted living. Art can offer hope for healing, a path to peace, and evoke a longing for love. Become the musician, the dancer, or the poet. Follow your muse. Rather than approaching the creative process with any preconceived meanings, allow meaning to emerge as you witness the very process of each brush stroke, musical note, movement, or carefully chosen word. Linger in the unknown and play in the space between the unconscious and the conscious. Live in the unplanned moment. Explore without a preplanned agenda. Be willing to take risks and not know the answers so that you can find the spirit of play. You might end up making a mess, but messes are important too. Let yourself be surprised by what emerges and find your own creative spark. Listen closely and allow yourself to feel your own unique connection between art and soul.

51. Creative Self-Expression This practice invites you to bring art and creativity into your life. You might explore expressing yourself by painting, writing a poem, making music, or dancing in your living room. Or you can receive the gift of the arts by visiting a museum, reading a poem, attending a concert, going to the theater, or simply listening to your favorite music at home. Notice the feelings that are evoked within you during this process. Tune into your senses and explore how you are moved by the experience. Take some time to explore your response to this creative exploration on the lines below. Without censoring or editing your words, let yourself follow your associations and write freely from your heart. ___________________________________________________ _________

My creativity is a connection to my soul.

Claim Your Self-Worth

As you arrive at this point in your transformational journey, you may be sensing that there is a way through to the other side of your pain. Your sense of self may have changed along the way. Now, you may notice the need to change your external circumstances to better reflect this updated version of yourself. You might still have uncomfortable situations that you have accepted in your life because they were convenient or because you didn’t want to disappoint another person. Maybe you settled for less at a time when your selfesteem was low or because, deep inside, you felt as though you did not deserve to be happy. After years of accepting subpar situations, you may have begun to believe that nothing else exists and, as a result, you simply stopped looking for something better. You may have developed attachments to people, jobs, or objects that are not a match for the greatness of who you truly are. Perhaps you have maintained these connections because you believed that it was safer to stay small. Now, after the transformational work of healing trauma, you may feel ready to make a change. Unfortunately, some of these changes may not be wanted by your family or community. They may feel jealous or threatened when they see your willingness to set boundaries, take up space, or ask for what you want. Most of the time, the reactions that you receive from other people are reflections of them and are not about you at all. Look at your life and ask yourself if there is anything that you are holding on to that doesn’t match your worth. In some cases, you might need to find the courage to let go of situations or relationships that do not serve you. In other situations, you may not want to end a relationship, but you will need to learn how to remain grounded in your own self-identity even if it leads someone else to feel uncomfortable. The process of reclaiming your self-worth can be difficult if the negative reactions you receive are from people you care about. If this occurs, remember that you may not be able to change that person’s opinion of you, but you can choose how to respond while staying true to what you believe about yourself. The bottom line is that another person’s opinion of you does not define who you are. Rather, standing inside of your own worthiness requires that you

are able to see past beliefs about not being enough or lingering feelings of inadequacy. Nonetheless, the experience of rejection can still sting. It is important to attend to the pain that arises when you are not welcomed or celebrated in your strengths. Engaging in selfcompassion can help you to stay connected to your self-worth even in the midst of difficult moments. Some rejection is inevitable in life, especially when you challenge yourself to expand and grow into your potential. With practice, you can build your tolerance for the discomfort that comes with rejection. Over time, you build your resilience to handle these difficult moments with equanimity. There may be some people who want you to stay small; however, you can also find people who will celebrate your achievements and support your greatness. Although it is important to refine your external life circumstances to reflect your strengths, it is also important to recognize that your self-worth is not dependent upon your external situations, relationships, or actions. Your worth is not based upon material items, such as your income or your house. Your worth is not based upon whether you are popular. You will make mistakes and be imperfect—and you are still worthy and deserving of love, kindness, and respect. In truth, self-worth is your birthright. It is the birthright of every human being. You may have had to work hard to learn this essential truth; however, your worth was always there, just waiting for you to claim it.

52. Claim Your Worth Take time to compassionately explore any situations that reflect a lack of self-worth or diminished sense of self. Are there situations where you have been rejected because of your willingness to claim space or speak your truth? If so, can you hold self-compassion for these moments? Are there any changes that you need to make in your life so that you can feel your relationships, home, or work environment are more reflective of your worth? Now, take a moment to explore how it feels to say, “I deserve to have needs. I am willing to ask for what I want. I am willing to wait for what I really want.” See if you can allow your body to reflect these statements of selfworth. How can your breath support you to feel your confidence? Can you feel that you deserve to live a fulfilling and meaningful life? Take some time to write down your thoughts. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am worthy. My worth is up to me.

Own Your Story

The later stages of a hero’s journey involve reengaging with the world. You emerge from the inner work of trauma recovery with a deepened understanding of yourself. Joseph Campbell asserts that the challenge of this stage is to learn to live in two worlds—that is, to maintain a connection to your inner, spiritual self while simultaneously living in the outer world. This dual connection helps you to retain the insights that you gained as part of your quest for wholeness. However, you might question how to reenter a world that has betrayed you and that could betray you again. This process involves increasing your ability to hold the complexity of the human experience. You realize that this world contains experiences of harm and loss; however, this is also a world of love and care. There is a great maturity in being able to hold the truth that hurtfulness and happiness can coexist around and within you. In his book Mindsight, Daniel Siegel (2010) offers the term coherence to describe this ability to make meaningful connections out of the complexity of diverse life experiences. Coherence helps you to hold dichotomies, polarities, and contradictions. You have the wisdom to know that all relationships will have their challenges, that moments of pain are an inevitable part of life, and that opening your heart involves the risk of pain. You recognize that life can have excruciatingly painful moments and still be magnificently beautiful. You learn to admit your flaws and appreciate your strengths. You develop the ability to accept that you can simultaneously love someone and be hurt; you can both respect and be angry at the same person. You learn to tolerate healthy conflicts within your relationships with others. Rather than needing to make yourself or another person wrong, you become increasingly capable of handling conflicts with a sense of control and composure. As a result, you walk through the world with an effortless grace that emanates from within. One way to build coherence is to organize your life story in a way that helps you to make sense of your past. Journaling and psychotherapy can each provide opportunities for you to develop this narrative. Over time, you take the many threads of your life experiences and weave them into a single fabric. You weave in your strengths and your struggles. You begin to notice patterns and

themes. Most importantly, you recognize yourself as the weaver. You learn that you can continue to integrate new threads at any time, for you are an active participant in the ongoing creation of your life story. Over time, the fabric that you create out of your life experiences begins to feel increasingly integrated and whole. Now your life story can help you identify new possibilities for your future. You might even discover that your fabric is inextricably woven into the fabric of all life. This is coherence. One of the most powerful components of a transformational journey is that it allows you to take personal responsibility for the narrative that defines you and your life. By consciously attending to the voice or narrator of your personal story, you can discover whether your story is one of hope and optimism, or if it is a pessimistic story full of disappointment and resignation. You get to write the script. You are allowed to revise your story until you arrive at a satisfactory conclusion, one that supports your growth after trauma. This does not mean that you can change what happened in your past. However, you can work through the pain of your past until you find resolution in the here-and-now. The stories that you tell yourself about your life not only lead to changes in your mental outlook, they can impact your physical health as well (Gregory & Rutledge, 2016). In particular, the act of writing about difficult events has been found to improve mood, enhance immune system functioning, and reduce blood pressure (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016). Moreover, it is not simply the telling of your story, but the act of reshaping your narrative from a selfdefeating storyline to one of perseverance, determination, and empowerment that creates lasting and meaningful change. This willingness to stay engaged with difficulty until you achieve resolution is what reshapes your physiology. For example, if you carry the belief, “People are untrustworthy,” then you might walk through the world in a withholding and overly cautious manner. Instead, you can explore a more realistic conclusion such as, “While some people in my life cannot be trusted, I can choose whom to trust in my life now.” This new belief can allow you to focus your attention on finding people who demonstrate trustworthiness. As a result, you feel more effective in your life and hopeful about your future.

As you take responsibility for your narrative, you will be better able to assert yourself as the hero or heroine of your own life. You are no longer a victim; rather, you are the brave and courageous protagonist who, with the right support, wise guidance, and hard work, finds a way through trauma and into triumph. As the master of two worlds, you know the territory of pain and the realm of possibility. You can integrate the wisdom gained from the hard work of trauma recovery and find ways to return to the ordinary world without losing hope or feeling disconnected from your true self. Although you may sometimes over-identify with your limitations or your pain, it is important to discover a connection to a larger life purpose. Eventually, it is this wisdom that will allow you to be a guiding light and an inspiration for others.

53. Write Your Hero(ine)’s Journey Write your own hero’s or heroine’s journey. You are in charge of this narrative. Take your time and allow the following prompts to spark your story: • • • • • • • • • • •

My call to enter my hero’s journey was… I refused the call by… What I had to give up was… The biggest challenges that I faced have been… I survived these challenges by… The people who helped me the most were… I learned that my strengths are… What I believe about myself now is… The wisdom I gained as a result of my challenges is… When I interact with the ordinary world around me, I feel… The gifts that I have to give to this world are…

This story is a snapshot in time. Most importantly, your story is one that you will write and rewrite for the rest of your life. If you notice that it is difficult to infuse hope into your story, this is a sign to seek out more support to see if there are any ongoing faulty beliefs or sabotaging parts of yourself that are blocking you from moving forward. I encourage you to approach this process with self-compassion. If you feel as though you are overwhelmed by the symptoms of your traumatic past, then it

may not be time to engage in this practice. Return when the time is right for you. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am the narrator of my life’s story.

Chapter Review Traumatic life experiences can help you appreciate the precious gift it is to be alive. Your pain can become a source of compassion and wisdom. This chapter has offered opportunities for you to foster posttraumatic growth. You have explored your relationship to meaning and purpose. You have also identified your strengths and your values. You have set intentions and explored creative selfexpression. Additionally, you have taken time to rest and allow for the integration of positive changes. By taking charge of your life story, you have taken an active role in fostering your resilience and growing into your potential. Now you have access to the path of selfrealization. As a result, you discover an emerging desire to share your wisdom with others or a longing to connect in a meaningful way to your community. This reentry into the world will be the focus of Chapter 5.

Review and Reflect Take a few minutes to review your responses to the selfreflection practices in this chapter. How has it felt to turn your focus toward your strengths? What have you learned about yourself? What are you aware of now? In what ways have you felt able to integrate positive changes into your life? ___________________________________________________ _________

CHAPTER 5

…

Self-Actualization: Tending to the Garden of Life

The deep, inner work of healing from trauma eventually allows you to emerge back into the world with your gifts—your unique contributions to the world. In the last chapter, you identified your strengths and values that provide a sense of meaning to your life. At this point in the transformational journey, you might feel a yearning or longing to fulfill your potential by expressing more of your heart, sharing the knowledge you have gained, and bringing your gifts out to the world. Therefore, this chapter will help guide you in exploring the intersection between your personal transformation and your relationships with your family, the community, and the planet. This opportunity to tend to the garden of life allows your growth and wisdom to serve the well-being of others. This stage of healing involves stepping out of your comfort zone, which is a process that requires increased tolerance for the risks of rejection or failure. Remember, throughout this book, you have been

building a tolerance for difficult emotions, such as shame, anger, discouragement, sadness, and grief. Nonetheless, you might feel frightened about being visible or taking up space. There might be voices from your past saying, “Stay small. It’s too risky. Don’t be visible. It’s not safe.” You might also sense a new voice that says, “I’ve got this. It’s time. I’m ready. I am allowed to shine!” It is a profound transformational practice to find the edge of your comfort zone and find a tolerable amount of risk that helps you to feel awake and alive. Here you can find the delicate balance of feeling safe, but not too safe. You can pace yourself through this expansive phase of your journey by returning to the resources of grounding into your body, mindfully connecting to your breath, and feeling your empowerment resource. Slowly, you allow yourself to emerge into the world. With gentleness, you continue to step, reach, and open up to this unpredictable, uncertain, beautiful world. Awaken to Your Potential Abraham Maslow (1968) introduced the concept of selfactualization as the process of fulfilling your potential in the world. It is about becoming who you really are and were always meant to be. This involves the integration of the wounds that once may have been a source of shame or confusion, which allows you to develop a coherent sense of self. Here you reclaim a sense of dignity that allows you to walk in the world with the knowledge that you are so much more than your trauma or pain. Self-actualized individuals tend to be open-minded, creative, trustworthy, responsible, and valuedriven. They have a positive view of themselves and are aware that they are always in the process of becoming a person. In addition, self-actualized individuals are typically more able to cope successfully with an uncertain future. You can foster your ability to self-actualize by confronting your fears, working through feelings of shame, resolving anger, working with your shadow, grounding into your body, connecting to your breath, learning to empower yourself, reclaiming your worth, identifying your strengths, and clarifying goals for your future. With that in mind, you can see that the practices offered throughout this

book are aimed not only toward trauma recovery, but also support you to fulfill your potential. Although self-actualization is the birthright of every human being, it can be challenging to turn your attention toward self-actualization until you feel safe and secure with your underlying needs. This includes having financial security, stabilized health, restful sleep, caring relationships with others, and an established sense of your own self-worth. Therefore, it is important to honor your own pace, even during these later stages of your transformational journey. Moreover, self-actualization is not necessarily a permanent state of being. Rather, there will be times when you might feel empowered to be your best self and times when you may need to rest. Remember, all growth occurs in seasons. Sometimes an experience of self-actualization arises through transcendent or peak experiences. This experience might occur during a spiritual practice, such as meditation, or in the context of a personal challenge, such as running a marathon or climbing a mountain. These experiences involve a heightened sense of awe and wonder, a loss of placement in time and space, and an overwhelming feeling of being one with the universe. Within a peak experience, you might discover a feeling of awakening or an enhanced desire to actualize your potential with meaningful actions in the world. However, the quest for a peak experience might also serve as a way to bypass your pain. Therefore, you may want to ask yourself whether you are seeking transcendence as a means to avoid conflicts or challenges in your life. If this is true, you can balance out a desire for peak experiences by staying grounded in your body, connecting to the basic tasks of living, and engaging in acts of kindness towards others. Most importantly, self-actualization is not about being better than someone else nor is it about being perfect. It is about being yourself—honestly, wholeheartedly, and authentically you. Within this next practice, you will be guided to create a personal meditation practice. Regularly engaging in mindful meditation has many benefits to your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being, including a greater sense of self-control (Kabat-Zinn, 2018). Furthermore, meditation strengthens the upper portions of the brain

that help to reduce emotional flooding. Remember, meditation, like any mindfulness practice, is grounded in nonjudgment. In time, you learn to sustain mindful attention so that you can observe your thoughts, sensations, and feelings without over-identifying with them. The goal of meditation is not to make you superhuman. Rather, this practice offers an opportunity to accept yourself just as you are and ultimately increase your ability to be mindful as you walk through the world. Most importantly, in the quiet spaces of inner reflection, you have an opportunity to connect to your deepest self and experience the clarity of living from your center.

54. Create a Personal Meditation Practice Take a few moments to come into a comfortable seated position. If possible, create support so that you can sit with a tall posture that allows you to be aware of your breath and your sensations. It is often helpful when meditating to have a focus for your mind. You can focus on your breath, your sensations, an object, a specific part of your body, or a short mantra that anchors your awareness. You might choose the intention that you developed in Practice 47 “Setting Your Intention”. Now, as you begin your meditation, allow your mind to rest gently upon your chosen area of focus. When you notice that your attention wanders, simply bring your attention back to your area of focus. The goal is not to stop your mind from wandering; rather, the purpose of meditation is to notice when you have become distracted and become increasingly skilled at returning your attention to your focus and the present moment. Often it is helpful to start slowly with your meditation practice. It is recommended that you begin with just 2 minutes and then slowly build to 5 and then 15 minutes. You can set a timer to alert you when your meditation practice is complete. Ideally, you will end your meditation wishing that you had more time to practice. That way, you will be more likely to return to this practice again.

As you complete your meditation, notice how you feel in body and mind. Perhaps you feel more grounded or centered. If not, you are not doing anything wrong. In truth, meditation can bring up parts of yourself that are simply needing attention for greater integration. Take a few minutes to write about your experience and notice how your practice changes over time. ___________________________________________________ _________

I connect to the wisdom of my deepest self.

The Return Throughout your transformational journey, you have developed a repertoire of coping skills and resources that can serve to inoculate you from future trauma. However, resilience is not just about personal healing. It is also about drawing on your own resilience to serve others as you share insights and wisdom gained on your journey. Resilience helps communities pull together to emerge stronger from tragedy. Resilience helps neighborhoods and cities to be better prepared to withstand catastrophic events, such as acts of violence or natural disasters like floods and fires. Likewise, in the final stages of the hero’s journey, the hero comes full circle. Having slain the dragon, retrieved the treasure, and rescued the princess, the hero now becomes a leader, healer, or guide for others. At this point in the journey, you too can come full circle by allowing your pain to serve as a doorway that can help you feel greater compassion for the pain experienced by others. In turn, you might notice a desire to change how you act as a member of your community and as an inhabitant on the earth. Once you feel empowered, you might sense that you have a responsibility to help

empower others. You might discover a prayer for the well-being of others that spontaneously arises from within. Giving your gifts to others and receiving from others are two deeply interwoven actions. Since so many of us have been rejected at some point in our lives, there is a universal human need to feel understood, seen, and accepted for who we are. Therefore, a profound way that we can give to another person is through the act of paying attention in a loving and caring manner. Receiving and unconditionally accepting another person is, in itself, a caring act of giving. Likewise, allowing yourself to receive care from another person allows that person to give the gift of caring to you. This exchange of giving and receiving can allow you to realize how deeply connected we are to each other and how much we truly need each other. Within this next practice, you can explore the act of giving and receiving through a loving-kindness meditation. The practice of loving kindness involves intentionally evoking friendliness toward yourself and others (Kornfield, 2008). It is an act of wishing happiness, ease, and freedom from suffering to yourself, to the people you love, to your community, and to the earth as a whole. It invites you to open your heart and plant seeds of love. Eventually, you might even choose to send loving kindness to people with whom you have experienced conflict or who have been a source of pain. This return of love is the treasure that you have worked so hard to find. Take love in for yourself, and allow love to flow from your heart to the world.

55. Loving-Kindness Meditation A loving-kindness meditation involves a set of phrases that you repeat silently or quietly to yourself. You begin this meditation by first practicing loving kindness with yourself because it is easier to love other people when you love yourself. Repeat the following phrases to yourself three times, allowing yourself to focus on the intention within each word: “May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe from harm. May I be peaceful and at ease.” When you are finished, take several deep breaths into your heart. Now, bring to mind a friend or someone in your life who has been a loving and supportive presence. Start with a person who most easily helps you connect to a calm, open, and generous space within your heart. Hold this person in your heart as you direct loving kindness toward them by repeating, “May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe from harm. May you be peaceful and at ease.” As you continue this meditation, you can choose to bring other friends or acquaintances to mind. Take your time with the phrases as you hold each person in your heart. You might also choose to extend loving kindness to animals, places, or the earth as a whole. Eventually, you might explore how it feels to extend loving kindness to a person with whom you have had difficulty. In each instance, you return to the simplicity of the same phrases, “May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe from harm. May you be peaceful and at ease.”

Sometimes, this practice can evoke feelings of sadness or anger. These feelings do not mean that you are doing this practice incorrectly. Rather, they are signals that you are stirring the feelings held within your heart and that you are beginning to let these feelings go. Trust your process and allow these feelings to move through you as you return to the words that anchor your intention of loving kindness. Reflect on this experience and write down your thoughts. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am giving and receiving love.

Finding Forgiveness Extending loving kindness toward others, even people who have hurt you, is an invitation to move toward forgiveness. The idea of forgiving someone who has perpetrated upon you or upon someone you love may feel impossible. However, forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, and it does not mean that what happened was acceptable. Rather, forgiveness is about reducing the stress associated with holding on to grudges and the pain of unresolved anger or hurt. Here, you can differentiate between healthy anger (which is necessary to mobilize your resources for self-protection) versus toxic anger (which is deep and long-lasting). Toxic anger can lead you to lose sleep, ruminate about past events, and recycle through retaliation fantasies. In this case, not forgiving can lead you to carry a heavy burden that can prevent you from fully living your life. Forgiveness is more about you than it is about the other person. In other words, forgiveness is an inside job. Your choice to forgive does not let the other person off the hook and does not

require that you reconcile or befriend someone who has harmed you. However, forgiveness can help you to have compassion for them despite their hurtful actions. Part of this process involves having empathy for their circumstances. You can remember that when someone hurts another person, it is usually because of unresolved injuries or traumatic events from their past. In order to cultivate compassion, you can reflect upon another person’s situation or imagine walking in their shoes. In finding forgiveness, you let go of the need to retaliate or punish the person who hurt you. Forgiveness involves the painful recognition that you cannot change the past, but you can reclaim your future. Although some people think that forgiveness is weak, but it is actually a mindset that requires profound strength. It is a powerful choice that no one can take away from you. It is a statement that says, “You may have hurt me in the past, but I will not let you take away my future.” Forgiveness even has physical and mental health benefits that can improve your life, as it is associated with reduced stress, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain, as well as improvements in sleep, immune system functioning, and cardiovascular health (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2000; Toussaint, Worthington, & Williams, 2015). Forgiveness may not come easily or naturally. However, forgiveness can be learned and strengthened through repeated practice. Initially, the intention to forgive might bring up strong feelings related to hurtful events of the past and cause you to reflect upon how these events have impacted your life. You might feel the need to put these feelings into words by writing a letter, which can help you find much needed clarity, whether or not you decide to send the letter. In the following practice, explore the process of writing a forgiveness letter and see if it helps you let go of the burdens of old resentments.

56. The Forgiveness Letter This practice invites you to write a letter to a person who has caused you harm. This letter has three parts. In part one of your letter, take your time to focus on any lingering feelings of betrayal, hurt, resentment, and anger. It can be powerful to put your feelings into a physical form with pen to paper. Give yourself permission not to send this letter so that you can be honest about your experience without censoring your thoughts or feelings. Imagine that each word you write clears away a little more of your pain. In part two of this letter, begin to focus on the circumstances of the other person. Allow yourself to imagine how they may have been thinking or feeling. What do you imagine caused the other person to behave the way that they did? What do you think motivated their actions? Here you focus on the humanity of the other person and acknowledge their pain or suffering. In the third part of your letter, focus on your intention of forgiveness. Notice what happens as you release any need to punish or retaliate against this person. Notice how you feel when you write the words, “I forgive you.” If these words are not available explore alternative words, such as “I release you” or “I am letting go.” As you complete your letter, take some time to notice how you feel emotionally and in your body. Take your time with this practice, knowing that you can continue to revise your letter until you feel complete. This letter is yours. You can choose to keep it, tear it up, or burn it. You

might also choose to rewrite it into a version that you send to the person to whom you wrote. You might also have additional letters that you need to write to other people who have harmed you. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am forgiving. Forgiveness is a choice.

Coming Home and Belonging It is essential to our very survival that each and every one of us feels rooted in connection to other people, whether this involves being connected oneon-one, being a member of a group, or having a sense of our tribe. We need to know that we are not alone in this imperfect journey of being human. When we are heard and welcomed by another, we have the opportunity to reclaim a sense of belonging to the world. This foundation of being seen and understood helps us become more of who we are meant to be and brings us one step closer toward reclaiming our wholeness. Yet, it is an almost universal experience to have wounds around feeling like we do not belong. Many of us have experienced times when we were excluded or felt exiled. This might have occurred within your family or with a group of friends. You may have literally become an exile if you had to leave your country or felt that your country betrayed you. The interpersonal wounds of childhood neglect or abuse often lead to feelings of not belonging as well. Perhaps you received messages that you weren’t wanted or shouldn’t have been born. Maybe you felt like a burden to your parents. Or you might have felt like the black sheep in your family. In any of these situations, you can become stuck as an outsider. These

early developmental experiences can influence your sense of self in adulthood and can be formative in your identity. It is important to remember that we all have histories of imperfect relationships to varying degrees. As a result, we all need each other to heal these painful attachment wounds of our past. This need for connection is especially true when we are grieving. Grief is profoundly raw and, at its core, a form of social communication. Consciously making space for grief is essential if we are to heal our collective wounds. When attending to each other’s grief, it is important to remember that grief needs presence. Nothing more. It is not necessary to say the “right” thing because there is no “right” thing to say. It is not necessary to have the answer because sometimes there are no answers. It is important to simply let each other know that we are there and that we are not afraid. Sometimes this involves being there and sitting in silence, breathing, or offering a nod of reassurance. Sometimes this involves attending to the needs of the moment, like doing the laundry or the dishes, as attending to the details of daily living keeps a sense of normalcy. Overall, being with someone in grief is about holding space for that person so that they can go on the inward journey needed during that vulnerable time. Some days you might be receiving support, and other days you might be giving support to another. However, so long as we all play our part in this exchange, we can facilitate an interconnected web of community. When you support others and relate to them in an authentic manner, this can bring a gift of deep connection. Often, this results in feelings of gratitude as you feel fully accepted for who you are. We all have needs to be seen, held, understood, respected, and loved (whether we want to admit them or not). It is deeply important to be seen for your unique presence. It is a core need to be felt and understood for who you are and the gifts that you bring to the world, just by being you. Who has helped you see past your masks and discover your essence? Gaining this clarity into yourself also helps build your capacity to see others for who they really are. You begin to look into the faces of our fellow human travelers and see their essence, even if it is tucked away in the recesses of a wounded heart. Ultimately, being welcomed by your community allows you to

reclaim a sense of belonging as you come back home to your true self.

57. Giving and Receiving Support Have you had moments where you have felt like an exile or an outsider? Are there times or places in your life when you felt like you really belonged? If so, what helped you to know that you were an important member of your community? In this practice, you will work to build connections with your community by asking for and/or offering support in small ways. For example, you can explore asking for help by reaching out to a neighbor when you need an ingredient for a meal, or asking an employee for assistance in finding an item in a store. You can also explore offering support to others by offering to carry someone’s groceries to their car or simply smiling and saying hello to people that you see throughout your day. Most importantly, you get to choose the people, and you get to decide how much to give or receive. As you gain comfort with small connections, you might explore engaging in conversations that allow someone to know more about your inner world. You can also experiment with the gift of asking people questions about how they are feeling and offering the gift of truly listening to their answer. Notice what happens as you engage in these exchanges with others over time. How does this change your sense of belonging in your community? Write your thoughts below. ___________________________________________________ _________

Today is an opportunity to explore making a connection to another person or to my community in one small way.

From Conflict to Connection Having a history of trauma can lead to challenges in relationships. Perhaps you have habitually avoided conflict, withdrawn out of fear, felt intolerant of rejection, or pushed people away when they got too close. These defensive strategies can lead to relationships that are consistently argumentative, disconnected, or painfully superficial. However, through the process of self-actualization, you can increase your capacity to handle conflicts with equanimity. Rather than needing to make yourself or another person wrong, you can learn to work through difficulties in a way that deepens your connections with others. You can work through attachment ruptures and create a positive outcome. Ultimately, you’ll come to see that small amounts of disconnection and conflict can actually lead to a deepened sense of trust and love. Healthy conflict requires tolerance for difference, disconnection, and discord. Letting someone know that they have hurt your feelings can feel frightening. Taking responsibility for hurting someone you love can evoke shame. It takes wisdom to refine primal reactions into caring, thoughtful responses. Negotiating conflict requires the ability to accept uncertainty, ambiguity, and disappointment. There may be times when you want to be right. You might want to be right so badly that you forget to step into the other person’s shoes and see things from their point of view. However, rigidly holding on to your point of view or the need to be right can exacerbate the experience of distance, misunderstanding, or confusion. In contrast, navigating conflict relies upon your capacity to change your perspective and look at a situation from another person’s point of view. This requires having cognitive flexibility or the ability to change how you are thinking about a person or situation. Cognitive flexibility helps prevent you from being stuck in one way of thinking about a situation. It allows you to adapt and respond to new

information and is a valuable skill when it comes to conflict resolution. Healthy conflict also requires a willingness to show up in an openhearted and honest manner. You can practice opening yourself up to conflicting views, competing needs, your own and another person’s fears, and the underlying pain that is part of the shared human experience. In time, you can learn to compromise without the need to make yourself or another person wrong. Developing a healthy capacity to handle conflicts involves learning to respect others, even when you feel angry. You commit to this by refraining from putting other people down and apologizing when you have done something wrong. Healthy conflict also asks that you develop the capacity to ask for what you need, even though you risk being told no or feeling rejected. You can build tolerance for conflict through the practice of mindfulness, which allows you to observe your thoughts and feelings while recognizing that you do not need to take immediate action on them. By cultivating an attitude of mindfulness, you can increase your ability to pause before acting out on impulses driven by anger. Doing so involves choosing a path of nonviolence, in which you let go of the need to be right. Instead, you come to the table interested in listening to the other person with an open heart. Nonviolent communication, which is an approach to conflict resolution in relationships, is grounded within the principles of nonviolence, which assumes that we are all capable of treating others with compassion and kindness (Rosenberg, 2003). This model of communication involves one person describing an experience that is creating distress without blaming or criticizing the other person. In this model, communications begin with “I” statements (e.g., “I feel hurt when…”) instead of “you” statements (e.g., “You make me feel hurt me when…”), as the latter can evoke feelings of defensiveness or blame. Then, the listener replies by empathically reflecting what they heard (e.g., “I hear you saying…”). This dialogue continues with the first person describing their feelings, identifying their needs, and making a request. The listener continues to offer an empathic and reflective statement in return. You can think

of this entire exchange as a mindfulness practice that occurs between two people. When using nonviolent communication to explore conflict resolution, it is wise to first practice doing so in the context of a caring relationship. A good rule of thumb is to choose to work out a conflict when there is a mutual commitment to the relationship and a desire for a positive outcome. Then, the task is to take turns being the person to bring up conflict or distress. Rather than pushing away from the connection, see what happens when you return to your breath and stay curious about your experiences. As you become increasingly skilled at using nonviolent communication, these same strategies can allow you to skillfully work with a wider range of relational experiences. For example, you can practice healthy conflict resolution in the workplace. Or you can practice skillful listening when engaging with people who have different cultural, religious, or political perspectives. It is important to recognize that nonviolence does not equate nonaction. There is an Indian parable that conveys this principle: There was once a snake who terrorized a village. He would bite the villagers without reason. One day, a wise sage visited the village and observed the snake’s behavior. He took it upon himself to teach the snake the principle of nonviolence. The snake took great interest in the wise man’s words and accepted the teaching. One year later, the wise man returned to the village to see that the snake was badly bruised and beaten. “What happened?” exclaimed the wise sage. The snake said, “You told me not to bite people, but now the villagers throw rocks at me and poke me with sticks.” The wise man replied, “I did teach you not to be violent, but I never told you not to hiss!” As you can see, there are times when you must stand up and protect what is worth protecting, especially when your own safety or the safety of another person is at risk. Take your time with this next practice. If you feel triggered, allow yourself to explore if your feelings are connected to your own history. The conflicts experienced in relationships can often touch into earlier relationship injuries or attachment memories that are in need of healing. Often these deep-seated emotions are not accessible until we experience a conflict in a relationship. These moments of

discomfort can provide a profound opportunity for growth. However, if excessive self-criticism or shame arises, you may want to revisit Practice 37 “Self-Compassion” or Practice 38 “Embodied Compassion for Shame.”

58. Nonviolent Communication This practice invites you to employ the skills of nonviolent communication to resolve a conflict that you are experiencing in your life. You can begin by practicing with a caring friend and by focusing on a relatively minor disagreement. Read the instructions together and take turns being the speaker and listener. Start by focusing on grounding and connecting to your breath. Explore how awareness of your somatic experiences helps you to build a capacity to stay present in situations that bring up discomfort. Begin by choosing who will be the speaker first. This person will identify an experience that is creating distress and set an intention to communicate without criticizing or blaming. The first speaker shares an observation about their experience by saying, “What I experience that does not contribute to my wellbeing is…” The listener pauses and responds empathetically by repeating what the speaker has shared using the words, “What you experience that does not contribute to your well-being is…” The speaker then names their feelings by saying, “What I feel is…” and the listener responds by saying, “What you feel is…” The next step involves the speaker describing what they need by stating, “What I need is…” Once again, the listener responds by restating the need. Lastly, the speaker shares a request by asking, “Would you be willing to…?” The listener reflects this request by replying, “Would you like me to…?” Ideally, both the speaker and listener feel as though their lives are enriched by

fulfilling the request. As a result, this closes the circle on the caring exchange of giving and receiving. After you have taken some time to practice being both the speaker and the listener, use the following space to reflect on your experience of this practice. How did you feel during times when you were reflected? How did it feel to express your needs? What did you notice when you were the listener? What challenges, if any, did you experience when completing this practice? ___________________________________________________ _________

I can handle conflicts with clarity and equanimity. I can move through conflicts to deepen my relationships.

The Emotional Wake It is not always easy to know how you impact another person. The idea of the emotional wake was introduced by a Susan Scott (2002) in her book Fierce Conversations. Imagine for a moment the wake of a boat moving through still water. Likewise, your emotional wake is comprised of the ripples or impact that you have on the world. For example, we can cause a painful ripple effect when we blame, call people names, speak sarcastically, put people down, talk behind someone’s back, or give someone the silent treatment. In truth, we all do things that create distress in the people around us. That’s called being human. We can increase our awareness of the wake that we leave behind by asking for feedback from someone who is trustworthy, kind, and honest. For example, you can ask, “How do you feel after our conversations?” or “What do you feel when I enter or leave the room?” Then your job is to listen nondefensively and take in any

feedback that someone has to offer. Try to pay attention and respond kindly. Allow yourself to sift through the feedback for the kernels of truth that feel relevant to you and your life. Once you have received feedback, you can then take the time to explore what changes you would like to make in your behavior or interactions. It is also important to recognize that not everything you hear will be true for you. Harsh or critical feedback is not easily digested and is not nourishing to your soul. Here the practice involves letting go of unhelpful information, setting a boundary, asking for feedback to be delivered with compassion, or seeking a different source of feedback. When you can take responsibility for your emotional wake, you are saying, “I am interested in knowing the impact that I have on you. I care about you, I’ll do my best to listen to you, and I am invested in who you are as a person.” There is a profound gift that comes from unconditionally opening yourself up to feedback in this manner, especially for the parts of yourself that you would rather hide. However, the goal of a good relationship is to allow the other person to know when you are afraid and to reveal your vulnerabilities. Although this kind of authentic relating can be extraordinarily vulnerable, it can also deepen trust in the relationship. It shows that you are invested in the other person and in the relationship. Being willing to set down your defenses or admit that you are wrong is an offering of kindness. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. We hurt each other sometimes. However, it is not our mistakes that define us. Rather, it is our ability to learn from those moments and make amends that really shapes who we are. We can take hold of the feeling of guilt and channel it into positive change. In contrast to shame, which tends to shut us down with an overbearing sense of doom or “badness,” guilt can be a valuable and healthy emotion. Guilt allows us to use our somatic discomfort as a reference point so that we can refine the choices we make to become wiser and more loving. It allows us to transform our mistakes into learning opportunities. Your willingness to take responsibility for your emotional wake can help make this world a better place and serve as a model for others to do the same. The process of self-reflection helps to clear

away anything that stands between you and your true self. Over time, you strengthen your commitment to the undying truth that lives within you. Taking responsibility for your emotional wake can also allow you to be conscious of the positive, nourishing, and loving wake that you can extend into the world. With intentionally positive actions, you can leave behind a ripple effect of kindness, gentleness, and understanding. Moreover, these ripples can inspire others to respond in kind. There are endless opportunities to pay attention to each other and to respond with compassion. Remember, one courageous conversation can save a life.

59. Asking for Feedback This practice involves having a courageous conversation with another person of your choosing. It will be important to pick a person who you feel is trustworthy, kind, and honest. You will ask for feedback from this person about their experience of you in the relationship. You can ask them, “How do you feel after our conversations?” or “What do you notice when I enter or leave the room?” Be sure to also request feedback about any positive impact you have by asking, “What are the strengths, gifts, or positive ripples that I leave behind?” You are in charge of this conversation, and you can let them know when you have received enough feedback. Allow yourself to digest the information. If the feedback that you receive is not delivered in a respectful, caring, or kind manner, then give yourself permission to end the practice and let go of the information. It is common to feel vulnerable when engaging in this practice. Remember that you are standing inside of a transformational practice. Bring compassion to the tender places that get touched in the process. End this practice by thanking the person who gave you feedback and thanking yourself for the courage it took to engage in this challenging conversation. Take some to write about your conversation on the following lines. ___________________________________________________ _________

I take responsibility for my impact on others.

Giving Your Gifts This is the final step of your transformational journey as you move through trauma recovery into post-traumatic growth. Now, you have an opportunity to shift your focus away from yourself by exploring how you might give back to others and the world. Although many people believe that self-actualization sits at the top of Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, Maslow (1969) actually viewed selfactualization as a rite of passage that allows us to go beyond the single self into self-transcendence. Whereas self-actualization is about fulfilling our potential, self-transcendence is about furthering a cause beyond the self. Self-transcendence is associated with developing a greater understanding of and desire to protect the welfare of all people (Koltko-Rivera, 2006). For example, we might contribute to the world through actions that support social justice, political, or environmental causes. We move away from a focus on ourselves as individuals by identifying ourselves as part of larger, collective whole. We become more human when we focus on loving another person or serving a cause that is greater than ourselves (Frankl, 1959/2006). We discover a deeper, felt sense of self beyond the roles that we play in life or the transient nature of our surroundings. Identifying with this true self is what keeps us rooted in meaning, even amidst the challenges of life. It is here, in the collective unconscious that represents the soul of humanity, that we can feel ourselves as whole and complete (Jung, 1981). Here we discover that we are part of patterns and cycles connected to all life. It is from this place that we sense the invisible threads of connection between all people, animals, and the planet. Although sharing your unique gifts can be of benefit to others and the world, this process can become muddied when it is driven by our own fears, the desire to rescue others, or a need to be the expert.

When this occurs, we are acting in service of the ego instead of actually serving another. These are the shadow sides of selftranscendence. Sometimes an act of giving can be experienced as aggressive, especially if the other person does not want to receive what we have to give. Therefore it can be wise to cultivate a sensitivity about the impact of our actions upon the people around us. We can ask the person we are helping if they want the support and if it is the right kind of support. If our goals are not aligned with theirs, then it is time to refine our actions. It is also important to notice if we abandon ourselves for the sake of taking care of other people. In this case, you can help keep yourself accountable by staying closely attuned to your own body, mind, energy, and emotions. Doing so will allow you to offer care without fixing or rescuing. You can now find a way to wisely balance your own needs and interests with the needs and interests of others. When you are able to find this sense of balanced giving, you can consider yourself to be in the flow of life. Flow can be thought of as an effortless engagement with your environment in which awareness and actions are fully integrated (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). Flow allows you to lose a sense of self and time. It is a feeling of rightness and being fully awake. You can imagine yourself like water that is flowing downhill, following the path of least resistance. In this state, you are not held back by self-consciousness or self-criticism. Rather, your life is enriched with a sense of meaning. This experience of flow is available to all of us, regardless of the challenges we have faced in our past or the circumstances of our present. Flow can be found in any activity in which we have the potential to achieve control and mastery over the mind, including doing dishes, folding the laundry, playing sports, or creating art, poetry, and music. However, flow is optimized when we overcome obstacles, speak out for what we believe, or find a previously undiscovered courage to rise up against all odds. In this final practice, you have an opportunity to create a personal manifesto, which is a statement of the values, beliefs, and intentions that provide a guiding compass for your life. Rather than focusing on specific goals, a manifesto is a reflection of your deepest self and the actions that move you toward self-transcendence and a state of flow.

Your manifesto will serve as a written reminder that can be reviewed anytime that you feel ungrounded or disconnected from your center. Your manifesto can help keep you accountable when interacting with others, especially during times of conflict. Think of this statement as aligning your compass to your true north.

60. Write Your Personal Manifesto Your personal manifesto is an expression of beliefs and intentions that provide the motivation for your life. In preparation, you might reflect upon the activities that support your physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual health as identified in Practice 30 “Create Your Resilience Recipe”. Take some time to reflect upon the ways that you have grown as a result of the challenging and traumatic events of your life by reviewing your response to Practice 44 “Making Meaning Out of Suffering”. Given that a manifesto also includes your strengths and values, it can be helpful to look back upon your answers to Practice 45 “Identifying Your Values” and Practice 46 “Exploring Your Strengths” as well. Additionally, it can be beneficial to reflect upon the intentions that you developed in Practice 47 “Setting Your Intention”. Write your manifesto using affirming language about what you want to create. For example, instead of saying, “I won’t be hurtful to myself,” you could write, “I will treat myself with kindness and respect.” The following questions and prompts are offered to help guide you to create your own personal manifesto: • • •

What is most important to you about life? What have you learned about yourself as a result of traumatic events? What are your strengths or gifts?

• •

How do you want to live your life? What helps you best face challenges or overcome obstacles? • What do you stand for? • What are you seeking to create more of in your life? • How do you want to treat others and how do you want to be treated by others? • What is your vision for your future? • What keeps you up at night that you want to achieve, resolve, or bring to fruition? Take some time to write your personal manifesto on the following lines. You can write this as a paragraph, a series of bullet points, or in any creative form that works for you. If you need an example, you can look at my personal manifesto, which is included within the preface of this book. ___________________________________________________ _________

I am here to offer my unique gifts to the world. I am in flow and aligned with my purpose.

Final Reflections As you come to the completion of this book, take some time to reflect upon your process. You have been guided to build your resources, work through traumatic events, and cultivate a mindset that fosters resilience and growth. Remember, any positive life development, be it happiness, gratitude, or wisdom, is not simply something that happens to you. Rather, these are all precious resources that you cultivate over time. You have fostered a courageous self that is capable of being present to joy and pain. You have built your capacity to be in a relationship with the fragility and grace that are

inherent to this human experience. However, it is wise to remember that the healing journey is not linear. You can always pick up this book again, resume the practices that have served you, and integrate your ongoing life experiences into your ever-evolving sense of self. Inevitably, there will be challenges ahead. However, you are now endowed with the knowledge and skills that will help you not only respond with resilience, but that will allow you to continue blossoming into your greatest potential as well.

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