The Muslim Woman's Manifesto (10 Steps to Achieving Phenonemal Success in Both Worlds) 9781673661187
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K a S H M 1 R
Maryam
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THE MUSLIM WOMAN’S MANIFESTO 10 Steps to Achieving Phenomenal Success, in Both Worlds
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“ This life is short, but too long to be at war with one’s self.” — Zaira Wasim .1
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9781673 661187
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THE MUSLIM WOMAN'S MANIFESTO
10 Steps to Achieving Phenomenal Success, in Both Worlds
KASHMIR MARYAM
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Ai IN THE NAME OF ALLAH, THE MOST MERCIFUL, THE MOST KIND
I dedicate this humble undertaking to the only source of consistency in my entire life - that is my Lord, Allah. He has been there for me through my successes, but more importantly, He has never abandoned me in my deepest and darkest moments. He has never betrayed me. Nor has He ever left me unarmed and vulnerable to the wolves of the worldly life. He is my Protector, my Sustained my Defender, and my best offriends.
Contents Introduction
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1. Count Your Favors
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2. Find Your Purpose
21
3. Clean House
35
4. Find Power Through Prayer
45
5. Take Control Of Your Time
55
6. Make Yourself A Priority
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7. Revolutionize Your Marriage
75
8. Raise Torchbearers
97
9. Give And You Shall Receive
107
10. Be Unyielding & Relentless
115
Afterword
123
Poetry.
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Introduction Whoever makes the hereafter his preoccupation, then Allah places freedom from want in his heart, gathers his affairs, and the dunya (the worldly life) comes to him despite being reluctant to do so. And whoever makes the dunya his preoccupation, then Allah places poverty in front of his eyes, makes his affairs scattered, and nothing of the dunya comes
to him except that which has been decreed for him — Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him)
Success. What is it? Why do we crave it so deeply? What makes some people more 'successful' than others? These questions are paramount
in understanding the human condition. Their answers will tell us why mankind, by in large, is in a constant state of judging individual success
by comparison to others’. More importantly, these questions will allow us to discover where
we stand on the spectrum of'success' as Muslim women. Knowing how far, or how near we are to 'success' is essential. We need to be real with ourselves.
After determining this, we can then move to the next stage, which is to go
ahead and work towards becoming phenomenally successful, in both the worldly life, and in the hereafter.
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Why Did I Write This Manifesto? Before discussing 'success' in detail, I would like to first address a question you may be asking yourself: 'Why did you write The Muslim Woman's Manifesto?' And what a great question! In short, the inspiration behind this 'manifesto' were the events that took place in Christchurch, New Zealand, on the 15th March 2019: A terrorist killed 51 innocent worshippers at Al-Noor Mosque, and at the Linwood Islamic Center. It was later found that the terrorist - prior to his rampage, had written a manifesto brimming with islamophobic ideas, inciting hatred and bloodshed. I therefore dedicate The Muslim Woman's Manifesto as a gesture of peace to all those who wish to see love before hate. To those who wish to understand what Islam advises to all humanity. To those who wish to discover the honor that Islam gives to all human-beings - Muslims and non-Muslims. To mothers, daughters, and sisters worldwide, who are willing to read with open minds, and open hearts, about the status that Islam gives to its women, in the most dignified of ways. This manifesto is for all those who want to know how Islam equips the sincere believer to achieve the pinnacle of success, in both worlds. And neither gunman, nor bigot can ever extinguish the light of speaking truth to power - no matter how hard they try.
Why is 'Success' so Important? I am often asked why the subject of 'success' is of such great importance to me. Therefore, I thought it would be most appropriate for me to first begin by addressing this particular question. In my personal and professional life, I have experienced some highs and some lows - as we all do. There were times where I felt like I was at the top of the world - at the peak of my 'success', so to speak.
On the flip side, there have been moments where I have felt like I was in an abyss of darkness; where I had been engulfed in what 2
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appeared (at the time) to be utter adversity, with no foreseeable way out.
Throughout both experiences, I noticed that there were different types of people around me. What 1 found most fascinating was that each group defined 'success' in a different way. This subjective understanding of'success' and 'failure' dictated how these
individuals chose to treat me. Some responded by showing intense love for me when I appeared to be at the pinnacle of my achievements.
Others treated me with a stern dislike, and some even went so far
as to harbor a very apparent hatred towards me. Then there were those who were impartial to my outward condition - they treated me the same regardless of how well, or how not-so-well I was doing in my life. (I would like to take a brief moment to thank these rare
individuals for being real and unimpressed by superficial assets and achievements). My life experiences have taught me that around the world
there are some universally understood definitions of 'success' and
'failure' - regardless of the race, class, age, or religious demographic of that region of the world. But why is that even important? Well,
unfortunately (and sometimes fortunately) these understandings of 'success' and 'failure' can quite easily affect our own critical
comprehension of the two. Just as a domino falls onto the next domino in close proximity to it, we are likely to buckle under the pressure of
our peers’ expectations; we have a tendency to conform to the social
constructs that are most prevalent and accepted.
It is quite difficult to be a fish swimming against the current, as the saying goes - but it is not impossible. Thus, for a long time, I have battled within myself to define what true 'success' is. This
internal resistance that my heart feels towards society's barometer
for 'success', has now become my personal quest to re-define our
standards with respect to it, and to what it entails. "This life is short, but too long to be at war with one's self" — Zaira Wasim
The Muslim Woman's Manifesto
In considering Zaira’s words, this metamorphosis in the way that we reflect on our very short life on earth, has the power to shake the very foundation of the global community that we are all a part of. It possesses the potential to indefinitely shift the way that human beings think and operate as social and spiritual agents on earth.
What is Success? Before we proceed to planning our journey in self-development, we must first take a moment to understand what 'success' actually means; what an obscure and subjective word that means different things to different people, at different moments in their life!
In this book I will speak of two types of success. One is the traditional understanding of the word, which I call the Surface Success. The second type of 'success' is the one that Allah ('God' in Arabic) defines for us - I refer to this as the Superb Success.
The Surface Success Surface Success is namely what we perceive to be prosperity, fame, power, and all the things that represent accomplishment in the tangible and materialistic sense. The ascetic oftentimes frowns upon this type of success, since it is associated with privilege, luxury, and love of the worldly life.
However, as with all great favors, comes great accountability. She, who understands this, will use such favors she have been gifted with (or indeed, tested with) wisely, and cautiously. So long as we do not permit wealth and possessions to enter our heart, we will be saved from them. But once we allow the love of the worldly life to become an obsession that preoccupies our heart, we will truly be destroyed by it. For this reason, the Surface Success can be a blessing - or indeed, a curse. The Messenger of Allah, Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
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"Eat, drink, and give in charity. Wear nice clothing, but without pride and extravagance. Verily, Allah loves for his blessings to be seen upon his servants." [Ahmad]
We see from this divinely inspired statement of the Prophet Muhammad , that we can enjoy the many blessings that Allah has given to us (such as good food, and nice clothing, for example). However, we must ensure that we do not trespass the boundaries of that which is permissible. That is to say, we must never be prideful, nor should we be of those who indulge extravagantly, even with things that are halal (permitted) for us. I have always found this concept so beautiful; the practicality of our religion enables us to live in such a way that we can please God, without necessarily having to live the extreme life of a hermit.
The Superb Success The second type of success is the Superb Success. This can only be achieved through doing that which is spiritually and morally enjoined upon us in the Qur'an (the word of God), and in the sunnah (the actions and statements of the Prophet Muhammad z^.). Whilst volumes of books can be written on the type of success mentioned in these two sources (the Qur'an and the sunnah), I will mention just a few examples below. This will help us gage a better understanding of the divine definition of‘success’.
1. The successful one is the one who purifies their heart and soul: "He has succeeded who purifies the soul, and he has failed who corrupts the soul" (Qur'an, 91:9-10)
2. The successful one is the one who prays in the manner that is 5
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prescribed for them:
The Prophet Muhammad
said:
"The first matter that the slave will be brought to account for on the Day ofJudgment is the prayer. If it is sound, then the rest of his deeds will be sound. And if it is bad, then the rest of his deeds will be bad." [Al-Tabarani]
3. Successful is the one who is content with a sustenance that is sufficient for his/ her daily needs: The Prophet Muhammad
said:
"Successful is the one who enters the fold of Islam and is provided with a sustenance that is sufficientfor his daily needs - and Allah makes him content with what He has bestowed upon him." [Muslim]
4. Successful is the one who tells the truth: The Prophet Muhammad
said:
"If he is telling the truth, he will succeed (or he will be granted Paradise)." [Bukhari]
As we can see, the definition of 'success' in Islam is rather expansive. I remember listening, some time back, to the profound words of the scholar Dr. Tahir Wyatt. He explained that in the Arabic language, certain concepts such as 'success' cannot be defined by simply one sentence alone (as is often done in the English language). Rather, a paragraph, or even more is needed in order to thoroughly define Arabic words. We can ascertain from this that 'success' is a complex and virtuous station to achieve; it is composed of 6
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many individual attributes - some of which we explored in the aforementioned examples. Interestingly, many of the definitions that Allah has given to us for 'success' are not always things that can be perceived by the physical human eye. Thus, this type of success is difficult to
distinguish based merely on its aesthetic value. Instead, many matters regarding true success involve the heart and the soul, versus
the externa] body. This is an important point for us to establish since the premise of Superb Success hinges upon this principle: the greatest successes are not visible to the eyes, but they are felt by the hearts.
The beauty in this correct understanding of success is that it
supersedes the worldly sense of the word, and aspires to a thing much greater than it. However, the thing that most people struggle with, is that it involves believing in something that is difficult for the eye to see - thus it is absolutely a question of conviction in our belief. If we truly believe in Allah as the only One worthy of worship,
and in Muhammad
as the last, and final Messenger of God, then we
will trust in what was divinely revealed to us. If our belief is defective,
we will fall prey to doubts that will prevent us from carrying out the actions that we are told will secure our success, if Allah wills.
In addition to this, how fascinating it is that the tenets of success as found in Islam, are things that we as individuals have some
control over. That is to say we can become better and more successful
regardless of our social, biological, and economic status (which may ordinarily have disadvantaged us from the Surface Success).
Rather, as Muslims, we believe that a materialistically 'poor'
person also possesses the propensity to become the most successful. What further qualifies this belief is that we also know that the first
people to enter paradise in the hereafter will be the poor. This idea
completely thwarts the notion that only the rich are successful. That being said, moving forward, when we refer to true 'success' it should be understood that we are referring to the Superb
Success.
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The Middle Path The blessing that we as Muslims possess is that Islam teaches us to live on the middle path. We are not told to live like hermits abstaining from materialism, and fasting from human desires, in a life of solitude. Nor are we told to spend extravagantly to the point of becoming excessive, with an insatiable greed for worldly possessions (which of course can never be quelled].
Islam provides for us the middle path, best demonstrated through the life of the Prophet Muhammad he taught us, by example, that we should seek out the bounties of Allah without falling into extravagance. And we must always show gratitude and remember our Creator often. Therefore, as Muslims, we are of the opinion that the true believer will undoubtedly get the best of both worlds. Since you have made the conscious decision to pick up and read this book, I imagine your goal is to attain both types of success: the Surface Success, and the Superb Success. Yes, it can be achieved but it will involve much toil and hard work!
Who should read this book? Life is an interesting thing. The reality is that we will live beneath the earth for much longer than we will live above it. We are here for a very short time, so we must ensure that we make the choices in our lives very intentionally. Throughout our lives, we oftentimes marvel over our achievements. More often, we regretfully look back over the poor decisions we made in our past. Thankfully, since you are reading this book - it means that you are still alive! So whilst you cannot re-do 'life' again, what you can do, is choose how you want to live it moving forward. There is no such thing as 'too late' - unless you are six feet below the ground. An ancient Chinese philosopher once said:
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"Ifyou are depressed you are living in the past. Ifyou are anxious you are living in the future.
Ifyou are at peace you are living in the present." — Lao Tzu
Are you looking to live a more fulfilled life? Are you seeking to get closer to your Creator, without sacrificing your worldly ambitions?
Are you tired of wasting away your potential? Then this book is for you. You will learn the steps to becoming phenomenally successful in ALL aspects of this life, and in the life of the hereafter. Yes, it is
indeed possible. But, let it be known that spiritual and material
ascendancy cannot exist without sacrifice and toil. Such striving
cannot taste its fruit until the inner self has conquered the challenges that barricade us into the confines of a comfortable and complacent
life. Our inner demons, so to speak, by nature, are in ardent pursuit of holding us back. If we cannot resist these demons, we will not only
become prey to them, but the world shall also feast upon us. However, this movement is not just about resistance - it is
about liberation and conquering all toxic forces that have mobilized to prevent our success. This book intends to help you extinguish all the
obstacles that stand in your path, but more importantly, to dominate all the realms of your existence so that you can live according to your
complete and absolute potential. On my own journey through life, I have made many mistakes,
and I have failed tremendously. By the same token, I have also tasted the blessings of success in other areas of my life. This is the conundrum
most of us find ourselves constantly trying to understand. This is the complexity of life, my dear friend: Sometimes we win. Sometimes we
lose. We must first understand that the pursuit of success begins with the preparation for 'failure*. And a ‘failure’ is only so if it deters
you from your purpose. However, if it re-directs you, or moves you
towards your calling in life, then it is far from being a ‘failure’, and is 9
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indeed a crucial component of your success. I must add here that some of the most awe-inspiring people I have met, have all bounced back stronger and more determined after 'failure'. They appear to have conditioned themselves to the type of mind-set that pushes back like the force of gravity - it opposes 'failure'; these people refuse to be defeated by trials and loss. Instead, they transform this energy, and use it to propel themselves into living out their purpose, unapologetically.
I am a firm believer that each and every one of us on this earth has been given a purpose. Most of us, however, live in a state of conformity. That is to say we plod along in life achieving the things that we think are our purpose, because society has defined it to be so. We buy a certain car, work a certain job, desire a certain type of home - most of the time, based on the expectations of those around us. However, one's calling is much deeper than that. In fact, our lifelong pursuit should be to find our calling, and when we have discovered it, we must surrender to it, and use it for good, as well as for the betterment of the world around us. That means that each one of us is created with strengths and talents, and our calling is linked to these skills that we have naturally been endowed with. As women, we so often hear from ‘traditionalists’ that our ultimate goal should be to get married, and become mothers. As if our sole purpose in life is to serve our husbands. On the flip side, many so-called 'modernists' argue that a woman’s role is to be absolutely anything she wishes to be, even if it is at the demise of her domestic role. This manifesto is a guide that suggests the two need not be opposing ideas, but rather there is a middle-ground that can be achieved if we so choose to. This is because Islam, since its inception, has empowered the Muslim woman in all realms of her life - in marriage, in her financial security, and in her rights to education, just to name a few.
Ifyou are still searching for your calling, then this is the book for you. One promise that I will make to you, is that the following steps 10
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to success will guide you towards your mission in life. Ultimately, it is your mission that will lead you to living a successful life.
Please do not make the mistake of believing that such success will come through simply wishing. Rather, this book is a practical guide, and it will help you only in as much as you are willing to help yourself.
Now, are you ready to be phenomenally successful, in both
worlds?
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1
Count Your Favors "Ifyou give thanks, I will give you more." (Qur'an, 14:7)
Throughout my life, I have had the honor of meeting incredible individuals from all different walks of life. Whilst I cannot speak to their success in the hereafter, when meeting Allah (their Superb Success), what I can attest to, is their excellent mannerisms towards other people, as well as to their own selves. These Muslims manifest beautiful character and conduct, without neglecting their worldly pursuits. If we use these attributes as the measuring stick for success, then we can say that these individuals demonstrate, in many ways, what it means to be successful. When scrutinizing over the traits of these people (simply through my interactions and observations of them), I can quite easily say that they all have one thing in common: they are grateful.
If you observe a truly successful person for long enough, 13
The Muslim Woman's Manifesto you will find that the most oft-repeated habit that they demonstrate is gratitude. It is important to note here that ‘gratitude’ is a verb - a ‘doing word’. That means in order for gratitude to be valid and complete, it must be felt in the heart, uttered by the tongue, and acted upon by the limbs.
Therefore, the very first step towards living a phenomenal life is to possess gratitude. And as with any prized possession, it must first be acquired through striving, and it must be preserved and protected by checking in on it, from time-to-time. This means that if you currently find yourself being ungrateful for all the blessings you currently enjoy, then you must make a concerted effort to persevere in your quest for gratitude. It may help for you to treat it as some kind of precious treasure that you must dig deep to find. Once you open the chest, you will find within it the key to unlock even more treasures, of which we will explore in this very book. The one who seeks to live a phenomenal life (in both worlds) must first establish sincere gratitude for everything they currently have (or do not have, for that matter). Only when we have acknowledged the great blessings that we presently enjoy, can we then work towards success in all other quarters. This is because gratitude is like the soil in which we plant all other trees for success. Its stability and its consistency provide a strong foundation for the fruits of all other efforts to germinate and flourish. The beauty of it, is that even whilst the fruits may grow, we must constantly attend to the soil and water in order for the fruits to continue to grow. In the same way, gratitude must be revisited. It must be a repeated practice that the heart attends to every single day. Therefore, it is not just the first step towards success, but it is a repetitive step that must be accomplished in between, and throughout the practice of all other traits to success (of which we will soon discuss more about). If this foundation is absent, or deficient, it will stunt, and even wilt the foliage we were able to cultivate in the first place.
One might ask, how can the inward act of gratitude be seen externally? And we will address this fascinating subject below. 14
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What Does Gratitude Look Like? Just as difficult as it is to quantify any emotion or feeling that has a predominantly inward component, so too is gratitude. However, there are indeed signs that can be seen as the natural result of electing to be in this state of mind.
The one who is grateful is always thankful for whatever they receive - big or small. Their way of‘thanking’ begins by expressing their appreciation to others, but more importantly, thanking Allah through their praises and their prayers. That is to say, they are never neglectful of their obligations to Allah, and the rights that He has over them. The one who is grateful is constantly mindful of fulfilling and honoring the rights of their Creator, and leverages this as a way to show thankfulness for all that He has given them. When we seek something from someone (praise, or something materialistic etc.), we do things that are pleasing to him or her. Gratitude takes it a step further: it is pleasing someone, and not expecting anything in return for it. In many ways one can see this as a very noble and loyal characteristic, since many people could easily abandon an individual once they receive what they had hoped for. But the sincere servant of Allah is the one who shows gratitude and remains loyal in pleasing Him, even when he seeks nothing from Him (even though Allah is most capable of fulfilling his every need). This trait is very interesting, and indeed, it is very rare. Almost all relationships are conditional except for the one who is grateful; the one who embodies gratitude will remain grateful to Allah, whether He gives or whether He withholds. Remarkably, in all cases, Allah will continue to give more to this individual - as the opening quote of this chapter so articulately describes.
The converse of this also stands true: the insincere individual, who sets his own conditions on when he chooses to obey Allah, is the ungrateful one; this characteristic is an extremely dangerous one to possess. 15
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There are numerous examples that we have in Islam of individuals who were immensely ungrateful. The interesting trend that can be found amongst them is that they were blessed with much by way of the material and worldly life, yet they were very ungrateful in comparison to their poor and disenfranchised counterparts. For example, if we look at the story of Prophet Adam (peace be upon him). We know that Iblees’ (Satan's) arrogance was synonymous to his ingratitude; it led him to reject Allah’s command, shown by his refusal to prostrate to Prophet Adam. Iblees believed that he was superior to Adam (peace be upon him), and this grandiose act of ingratitude manifested in his disobedience to Allah's command. Thus, he was banished from paradise, then did everything within his power to bring Adam and Hawa (Eve) down with him. This story, which dates all the way back to the conception of the human race, should be sufficient enough for us to understand the deleterious effects of ingratitude. That disobeying Allah by rejecting the commands He has given to us, is indeed the greatest form of ingratitude; it is a path that can only lead to destruction and doom.
Another chilling example of how important it is to show gratitude can be understood in the divinely inspired statement of the Prophet when he said that he saw the majority of the inhabitants of hell-fire to be women. When he was asked why, the Prophet said it is due to ingratitude to their husbands.
We can deduce from this that the majority of people will be in hell-fire because they were ungrateful. Therefore, if we are grateful especially to our husbands, and our families, we can put ourselves in better standing for the hereafter, in the hopes of achieving the Superb Success.
How Can I Show Gratitude? Whilst I strongly advise the act of gratitude to be the first thing we 16
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begin our day with, it is just as important to do so at the closing of our day too. Whatever preoccupies our minds before we sleep at night is very telling of the things that affect us on the deeper levels of our consciousness. It may be that we are magnificently unaware of the things that trouble us so profoundly. Thus, it is of utmost importance that we assess and monitor our thoughts and feelings specifically before we retire for the night. It is usually when weariness is felt on the body, that the burdensome nature of the world reveals itself - often at the very end of the day. What worries or concerns inhabit your mind at this time? What hopeful thoughts are you having? What things must you remind yourself to be grateful for? If you are able to list just 10 things, your list would still be deficient: "And ifyou would count Allah's favors,
you will not be able to number them;
most surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful."
(Qur'an, 16:18) When you conceive good thoughts, and kindle gratitude within your heart, you will inevitably manifest gratitude through your actions too. Do not underestimate the power of this; it humbles and brings peace to the haughty and distracted heart, and it stabilizes a heart that is caught up in the rat race (which most people are engaged in).
The irony of being in the rat race, is that whilst such individuals are competing with everyone else to achieve so-and-so by X and Y number of years, they lose count of all of the blessings that surround them in the present. Once the rat race is over - at the time of one's death, these individuals will come to a cathartic realization that their pursuit for material and worldly things alone was in vain just as a rat who chases cheese constantly, but never truly grasps it. Therefore, we should always strive to be of those who show gratitude 17
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to Allah for everything that we are given (or not given). Now how does one show gratitude to Allah? The answer is very simple: by doing the things that please Him, and staying away from the things that displease him. This may sound easy enough, but believe me, it is one of the hardest challenges that we as human beings will experience. It is hardwired within our nature to incline towards things which illicit pleasure. If our inclinations and impulses are not tempered by imaan (faith) then we will find ourselves continually falling into sinful acts. It takes a great deal of training and mastery to tighten the reigns on our desires, but once we have mastered them, we will become strong and nimble when the great winds and waves of life sway us from side to side. Gratitude allows us to be anchored to something deeper, and enables us to maneuver through the everychanging tides of life.
Perhaps the best way for us to understand what gratitude looks like as an action, is for us to study relevant examples. When doing this, we need not look any further than our religion, in the story of our noble Prophets and Messengers (peace be upon them all). An excellent example can be seen in the story of Prophet Ayoub (peace be upon him), who was afflicted with great trials in his health and wealth. In return, he showed extraordinary patience and gratitude to Allah. In this story we see the link between gratitude and patience. The more grateful you are, the more patient you are. Therefore, if you seek to gain more patience, you must first exercise gratitude. In ending, 1 would like to say that we should never feel guilty about having lofty goals in life - be it a dream job, a healthy family, or a big home. However, we must never let our aspirations overshadow the current graces and favors that Allah has bestowed upon us. Nor should we ever become neglectful of the hereafter. So whilst we strive hard, in a state of gratitude to Allah, we should constantly be planting seeds for the hereafter. 18
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This world is finite - just as the coal and oil resources are
close to diminishing, so too is our time on this earth. Therefore the objective of working towards worldly goals alone will become
fruitless if we are not thankful to Allah. We must not be of those people spoken about in the chapter of‘The Cave’:
"[They are] those whose effort is lost in the worldly life, whilst they think
that they are doing well in work." (Qur'an, 18:104) Therefore my beloved sister, you must strive hard. But always remember why, and this will guide you - no matter how obscure or clouded your path may appear right now. May Allah give you the
strength and the fortitude in belief needed to carry out your mission in life, so that you are of those who will be in a state of tranquility and
everlasting happiness in the hereafter, Ameen.
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ACTION EXERCISE 1.
For the next week, please keep a gratitude journal: at the end of your day, write down 5 things you are grateful for having, and why.
2.
Now write down 5 things you are grateful for not having, and why? If you have difficulty with this one, think about things from your past that you had wished for, but only now in your present you realize how blessed you are that you do not have them.
3.
Consider these two lists and think about how fortunate you are.
Ifyou focus on those who have more than you in the materialistic sense, it will leave you feeling discontent and empty. However, ifyou look at those who have less than you, it will make you more content and full. Now, isyour cup halffull, or half empty?
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2 Find Your Purpose Be sincere in your aim and
you will find the support ofAllah
surro unding you.
— Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya
The Pure Intention Throughout my life, I have found that there is a great power that comes from rectifying and purifying my intention. There is a sense of peace that overcomes you when you know that you are pursuing an endeavor (not matter how miniscule it may seem) for the right reason. Intention is a powerful thing. It is enough to distinguish between an individual who will enter Allah's paradise, and an individual who will enter the hell-fire. It is such a serious matter - so much so that the first four people who will be thrown into the hell fire will be three men who did (what appeared to be) virtuous deeds - but their intention was corrupt. These three men will be a martyr, a scholar, and a wealthy man. The Prophet Muhammad said:
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"The first ofpeople against whom judgment will be pronounced on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who died a martyr. He will be brought and Allah will make known to him His favors and he will recognize them. [The Almighty] will say: And what did you do about them? He will say: I fought for you until I died a martyr. He will say: You have lied-you did but fight that it might be said [ofyou]: He is courageous. And so it was said. Then it will be ordered for him to be dragged along on his face until he is cast into Hell-fire." [Muslim]
As we see above, there is a hefty penalty for doing what appears to be a righteous deed - but with a corrupt intention. Therefore, we must always ensure that our intention is pure, sincere, and for the sake of Allah in order to be prosperous.
The worldly life does a great job of distracting us, and thus misdirecting our focus. This makes it very easy for our vision to become blurred, so to speak - even if we began with the best of intentions. At moments like this - when the external world presents to us a kaleidoscope of clouded paths, it serves the soul well to question itself. This self-accountability means that we are constantly checking in on our hearts to make sure that our internal disposition is in compliance with our external actions. This self-assessment will reveal to you the truthfulness of your intentions. Therefore, it is very deliberate that I begin this book with a few questions I implore you to ask yourself, since our plan of action hinges upon your answers: What do you seek to get from this book? What type ofsuccess do you strive for? Why is success important to you? In answering these questions, we will begin to scratch the surface in understanding your objectives and motivations; this is the key to mapping out your life - a thing only YOU can do.
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Sincerity Sincerity is the single most important determinant of our success. Therefore the most important question of all is: what is it all for? Is it to prove to yourself that you can overcome your obstacles? Is it to prove yourself to those who assumed very little of you in the past? Is it to live a life of purpose and fulfillment? Is it to live a life that does justice to the talents and abilities that Allah has given to you?
Sure, we strive to better our own selves through personal development, but ultimately, why do we want to be better? As a Muslim woman, this question should get you thinking on a significantly deeper level. Most people coast through life without deeply examining their intent. In fact, most people are spiritually anaesthetized because the worldly life has provided so many forms of physical stimulation that very few reflect on their internal state.
However, in all of the Abrahamic religions, we see examples of prophets (peace be upon them all) who spent a great portion of their lives in deep examination of their purpose. For example, the Prophet Ibrahim (Abraham, peace be upon him) at one point was the only believer who walked on the earth. He was famously known for his deep reflection and deduction at such a tender age, which then led him to seek out his purpose and magnificent mission in life. We also read about the example of Musa (Moses, peace be upon him), who fled Egypt for fear of his life. He then lived as a humble shepherd in a region called Madyan - away from the hustle and bustle of the city. It was during this stage of his life that he received revelation from God - when he was all alone.
Also, the blessed Mother of Isa (Jesus), Maryam (Mary, peace be upon her) who resided in a mihrab (private prayer chamber) in Jerusalem, where she devoted herself to the service of God. A great point of significance is that Maryam was in seclusion when the angel Jibreel (Gabriel) descended and gave her the glad-tidings of a
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righteous son. And of course, we have the example of the Prophet Muhammad who would go for long stretches of time worshipping and reflecting in the cave of Hira; this was where he received divine revelation. It is not a coincidence that such righteous and successful individuals were given revelation when in moments of seclusion, and deep thought. Through using them as an example, we can extrapolate the relationship between solitude, reflection, and revelation. If you find yourself questioning what your purpose or your intention is, I highly recommend that you consider taking some time away from the hustle and bustle of the external world, and reflect on your life from as early as you can remember, to now. You will find the answers when the noise around you is muted; only then will your spiritual ears become clean and open. But this will only be the case if you are sincere in your quest for purpose. The strength or the deficiency in your sincerity is what will determine whether or not you will receive the answers you seek, insha’Allah (God-willing).
You see, the power of sincerity is that it brings good to the believer, even if an individual has not yet completed the action they intend on doing. You must always remember that sincerity in the pursuit of a noble endeavor has no option but to bring forth brilliant fruits. And nothing can prevent you from tasting those fruits, if they are written for you: "What is meant foryou, will reach you even if it is beneath two mountains. What is not meant for you, will not reach you, even if it is between your two lips." — Arabic Proverb
Ultimately, I cannot tell you what answer you should have for the question of your purpose, but what I will tell you is that you must be brutally honest with yourself. Write it down. Now say it out aloud. You may feel silly saying aloud what is in your mind - but you must
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silence these voices of doubt because there is a power that comes through the spoken word. Once you say it aloud, it becomes real. Now, we get to work.
What is your Purpose? Once you have established your sincerity, your purpose becomes easier to identify. Just as the opening quote from the scholar Ibn Al-Qayyim states - you will find the help of Allah surrounding you once you are sincere in your aim. But first, let us take a moment to understand what purpose actually means.
Supreme Purpose The best way that I have come to define purpose is by understanding that it falls into two categories. The first category is what I call the Supreme Purpose; this is our ultimate purpose in life. Put simply, it is to worship Allah: "And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me." (Qur'an, 51:56)
No matter what path we choose to pursue in our lives, we must always ensure that we are living an existence true to our Supreme Purpose. AU true success will only come through thriving in this domain. Any other attempt to live and establish ourselves will become weak if not supported by this type of purpose; it is the essential foundation that our existence mandates our attention towards. Be relentless in seeking it - and never, ever give up.
Passionate Purpose Now that we have established our Supreme Purpose, we can explore the second category, which is what I call the Passionate Purpose. This is the type of purpose that includes our worldly craft, and passions so to speak: What is my unique contribution to this earth? What vocation 25
The Muslim Woman's Manifesto should I go into? What career path should I pursue? These are the kinds of questions that suggest we are in search of our Passionate Purpose; this is also where many of us become stuck, and then begin to sink due to inaction - a natural result of not knowing which direction to head in.
The reality is that very few people end up on the path that they once envisioned when they were dreamy teenagers. Life has its twists and turns - this is the nature of life. We are like travellers walking through mountainous terrain - sometimes there are peaks, and at other times there are troughs. Sometimes the sun is beaming, and at other times the air is bitterly cold. You will find that the highest achievers in both the worldly and in the spiritual sense, are the ones that are most malleable to the circumstances that life throws at them, or to be more specific: the situations that Allah tests them with. The famous martial artist and philosopher Bruce Lee once said: "Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. Ifyou put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend."
These wise words suggest to us that just like water, we must be fluid, agile and adaptable to the tests that life throws at us. In the Animal Kingdom, the species that is best at adapting to its environment, will survive. So too, the human must adapt in order to thrive. Individuals that possess this flexible nature will never drown in self-pity or blame when failure inevitably greets them. Rather, they challenge the challenge itself, and yield an inner strength to zealously 26
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pursue their Passionate Purpose - even if they have no idea what it is at the time. Under no circumstances must you ever stop - you must persevere. You must trudge through the deep and dark forests of the unknown, and keep working because this earth involves hard work and exertion. But in the end, it will all be worth it, insha’Allah. Perhaps one of the greatest grievances we could ever have in life is that we did not pursue that which we loved - that which gave our hearts fulfillment and purpose. Do not live a life that will lead you to reflect in five or ten years from now in a regretful way lamenting over what you could have done with the time that slipped by so quickly. Instead, you must crucify all self-doubt, and know that no one exception is capable of carrying out your purpose.
What is Failure? In order to understand a thing in its pure and true essence, we must take a few moments to understand its opposite. Therefore, the subject of failure becomes inevitable in this discussion. Failure is often defined as the antithesis of success. Whilst this stands true, I believe that failure is necessary for success; if you have not failed or been unsuccessful enough, you are not deserving of success. This is because the pinnacle of success is specifically reserved for those that develop the aptitude for patience and perseverance in the sight of loss and disappointment - of which only failure can provide. Indeed the truly successful one is not the one who is spoiled by privilege - but it is the one who persevered, despite all odds being against them.
Perhaps one of the greatest examples of loss and patience that we have been given, is in the example of Prophet Ayoub (peace be upon him). Prophet Ayoub, was afflicted with disease and severe misfortune - he had lost all of his children, his wealth, and his health (essentially all of the aspects of our life that we seek to fortify and 27
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build as time goes on). Yet, he did not utter a word against His Lord. Instead, he remained patient with the trials that befell him, and ultimately he was rewarded for the way that he responded to them. In the end, all of the blessings he had lost (all of the supposed failures that he experienced) were restored in abundance because of his gratitude to Allah and his patience.
Allah does not mention any of the stories in the Qur’an except that there is a lesson (or many lessons) for the one who reflects. Therefore, the story of Prophet Ayoub (peace be upon him) is an excellent guide as to how we should respond to the trials that we are tested with. It should also be noted that even though Prophet Ayoub (peace be upon him) was tested with severe trials, Allah did not seek to inflict harm on him. Rather, Allah tests us in order to see how sincere we are, and to ultimately bring us closer to Him.
Therefore, if we look at failure as a test, or a redirection, as opposed to a punishment, it will make us much stronger as believers. The Prophet said: "Wondrous is the affair of the believer, for there is good for him in every matter and this is not the case with anyone except the believer. If he is happy, then he thanks Allah and thus there is good for him.
And if he is harmed, then he shows patience and thus there is good
for him." [Muslim]
Here we have the recipe for success described in the divinely inspired words of our Noble Messenger Allah, who is AlWakeel (The Best Disposer of Affairs) will resolve all matters for us. Therefore, we should respond in the most handsome of manners to the successes and failures that greet us in life. If we show gratitude for all the good things that happen to us, and we show patience when calamity befalls us, then any situation that we find ourselves in will 28
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bring benefit and goodness with it.
Discovering Your Passionate Purpose "When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of
distress and anxiety; If I sit on my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, and without any pain. From this I understand
that what I want also wants me, is looking for me and attracting me. There is a great secret in this for anyone who can grasp it." — Rumi
Now, I imagine you are wondering: how can I discover what
my Passionate Purpose is?We\\, as Rumi so eloquently articulated: "... what I want also wants me". Just as the nectar magnetizes the bee, so too will your purpose.
This irrevocable affinity that things have for one another means that, by the permission of Allah, they will certainly meet; the
two will come together in harmonious symbiotic form.
That being said - your Passionate Purpose is your calling. In order to recognize any call, one must first make sure that all physical and spiritual ears are able to hear it. But how exactly do you know that something is your Passionate Purpose? This magnificently complex
question has one simple, but powerful answer: look for the signs. Allah, in His infinite wisdom, has created each and every one
of us in a unique fashion - with individual strengths, talents and skills that are compliant and consistent with our nature and circumstance. The clues to your Passionate Purpose lie in understanding what your
own personal strengths are. You have to be in tune with you. For example, are you naturally good at reading people’s emotions and
responding with deep empathy? Perhaps your Passionate Purpose could be fulfilled through a vocation that necessitates a certain
emotional aptitude (which you uniquely possess) such as in the
healthcare industry etc. 29
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I must mention here, that your Passionate Purpose is not something to be neglected. As Muslims we often understand that our ultimate Supreme Purpose is to worship Allah, but oftentimes a lack of importance is given to the different avenues in which we can serve Allah, through our service to the community. The Prophet said: "Allah is helping the servant as long as the servant is helping his brother." [Muslim]
Therefore, if your Passionate Purpose can concur with your Supreme Purpose, you will find a deep sense of fulfillment in your life. Such is the pursuit of the truly successful one - she seeks to serve God through the marriage of her Supreme Purpose and her Passionate Purpose.
On the contrary, when the two types of purpose conflict with one another, you will find discord, discontentment and confusion in your life. This dissatisfaction with the way in which you choose to live, is a clear indicator that you must continue to search and re-calibrate your 'purpose-compass', so to speak. You must continue to evolve and pursue your purpose, and you must not confuse redirection for defeat - this mindset will ensure that you will soon find the path to your Passionate Purpose.
The journey towards discovering your purpose is not one that you must travel alone. It should bring you a great amount of solace to know that if you are truly able to embrace your Supreme Purpose, then your Passionate Purpose has no option but to follow. That is because once you strengthen your relationship with your Creator, He will facilitate all good for you, and He will guide you so long as you are sincere in your pursuit. Ultimately, we are all unified through our Supreme Purpose - but it is our unique Passionate Purpose that allows us to become a synchronized community. We are designed to fit seamlessly in the world we grow up in; this is because in many ways, we are like the
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honeybee - we all possesses a unique role within the hive, yet we are
still unique members of a larger community of bees.
Submission "The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away." Sometimes, the challenge is not always in discovering our Passionate Purpose. Rather, it is in accepting, and embracing it. Most people can identify their strengths, and can identify a way that they can serve people through it - but submitting to that acknowledgement is usually where the resistance lies.
In my own personal life, I have often run away from the signs that were coming to me with regards to my purpose. Why? The truth is, I feared it.
It began when I was 12 years old: my English professor set an assignment for our class to give a ten minute presentation on a subject that interested us. I did my presentation on Muhammad Ali, the famous Muslim boxer. After class had finished, my professor, Mrs. Marlow, called me over to her desk, and had a conversation with me that I will never forget. She told me that she would like to mentor me for a national speech competition that was taking place the following year. She asked me if I was interested, and for a short while she trained me in giving speeches every Thursday, during recess. Mrs. Marlow advised me on how to respond to questions from the audience, and how to articulate my responses when I did not know the answers; a powerful skill that I have learned to appreciate more and more as life goes on.
When she first approached me, I was flabbergasted that she saw something in me that separated me from my peers. It made me wonder about whether this was a skill that I could develop - but I shooed these thoughts away because my goal at the time was to go to 31
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medical school and become the doctor that I had always dreamt of. i
I never ended up following through with the speech competition because of the time commitments of my other classes but the signs did not stop there. The next year I was selected to be a part of a 'Gifted and Talented Association’, where I was given the opportunity to take my examinations a year earlier than my peers. Because of this, I was chosen by the English department to represent the school in a workshop where two ladies came in to teach us about spoken word poetry. Their names were Khadijah Ibrahiim and Paulette Morris, the founders of an organization called Leeds Young Authors. Little did I know that these two women would become my mentors. And little did I know, that they would become instrumental to the success of my poetry career. It was in this workshop that I realized my talent in performance poetry. My mentors had never worked with a Muslim girl who wore a hijab (headscarf and modest dress), and were fascinated by the subjects I explored in my poetry. They nurtured me heavily by helping me develop my performance skills, and deepening my lyrical content. Still, I saw no future in poetry - because my goal was to become a physician. Yet, the signs did not cease there. Years later, at the age of 17 years old, a different English professor spoke to me after class and encouraged me to apply to Oxbridge (Oxford and Cambridge University) to study English Literature. She told me that she would heavily support my application, and that she believed I would be accepted. I remember giving it a thought, simply because the signs had always encouraged me to consider taking my studies in the arts more seriously. However, doubtful thoughts clanged around in my mental space: What career could you build from such a degree? Is it worth it to leave your dream to become a doctor? In the end, I made the decision to continue on the path to pursue a vocation in the sciences. Whilst going ahead with my decision, I still continued to write and perform my poetry at regional slam competitions in my
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leisure time. In 2008, I was selected for the UK’s all-star team. We
traveled to the states to compete in Brave New Voices - the world’s most prestigious poetry slam competition. The journey from my hometown, Leeds, to Washington D.C was documented in a film
that was later released called We Are Poets. All of the acclaim that I received in my poetry endeavors led me to pursue my writing, whilst still exercising my passions in the healthcare field.
I realize now that my power is not just in the pen - it is in connecting to other hearts and souls - in the way that poetry does. This deep connection with others allows me to seeka way to better the human condition, through sincere and meaningful communication; it
is this relationship that allows me to find fulfillment in what I do.
Sometimes the answers we seek are underneath many rocks
- not just one. We must continually be searching, seeking to grow and thrive in the things that are meaningful to us. This will lead us to our
Passionate Purpose. More importantly, we must always evolve, since it is our ability to grow and adapt that establishes the foundation for
all other successful traits.
If there is anything thatyou can take away from my story, into your own journey, it is to deeply examine what is unique and special
about you. Once you have identified the thing that distinguishes you from other people, consider how you can utilize that to pursue your Passionate Purpose. I am a true believer that the greatest advantage
we have as the human race, is that there is so much diversity amongst us. And that the secret to phenomenal success is to deeply contemplate
on what your offering to the world is. Once you have discovered it, you
must with all the power in you, pursue it and own it.
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ACTION EXERCISE: 1.
Take out a pen and paper. Either bullet point, or brainstorm all of your goals in this life - no matter how insignificant they may seem.
2.
Now, on the other side of the paper, write all of the things you seek from the hereafter (the next life).
When writing all ofthese goals out, make sure thatyou are very specific.
For example: "I want to become a doctor" is not a sufficient goal. Rather you should write something more like: 7 want to become a pediatrician in 5years working in New York City". This goal is specific and measurable -
this is the difference between a tangible goal, and a wishy-washy dream.
3. Next, number each goal according to how important it is to you. If a certain goal is a priority, list it higher up. You are now looking at your priority list: this list is golden. It tells you
whereyou should begin your pursuitfor purpose - or perhaps, where you left off. The most crucial step is now to actualize what you see in front
ofyou.
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3
Clean House Ifyou want to lead a life that sparks joy, there is only one thing that you
must do - and that is to tidyyour home. Choose to keep only the things that speak to your heart, and let go of everything else. Tidying leads
to a life that is peaceful and full ofjoy. It's also a path to self-discovery, mindful living and fulfillment. — Marie Kondo
Now that we have established our purpose, and our goals, we must seek to do all that is within our God-given ability to remain persistent
and true to that; this will aid us in living the fulfilled life that we all
innately seek. In order for us to be most effective in the pursuit of our
unique Passionate Purpose, we must first seek to actively eliminate all
the negative forces that are either obstructing our path, or holding us back - even if they are ones that lie deep within ourselves. The problem that many of us suffer from, is that we are
sometimes unable to distinguish between what is good, and what is bad for us. A simple way to identify what needs to be discharged from
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your life is by asking yourself: how does this person or thing make me feel? This gut instinct is a simple self-questioning technique that is very powerful; it gives us back control of our direct environment - a power that we sometimes forget we possess.
Cut Out the Toxic Energy From Your Life - Once and For All As creatures of habit, we can often allow objects that we own to accumulate over time. Without realizing, as the years go by, we no longer have a place to put them, or a reason for why we are holding onto them - except that we have developed a familiarity or an attachment, that over time has become crystallized.
The same is true of people. We meet people, and invite them into our lives. Years may then pass by and we find that we have not actually monitored or censored the quality of these relationships nor have we questioned the benefit they bring into our lives. In some cases, these relationships may even be familial, and so we have grown up to overlook their noxious potential because we have a skewed understanding of what is healthy, versus what is unhealthy. Eventually, some of us may realize that certain relationships are indeed toxic, deciding that they must then be parted ways with. Unfortunately, it may be that we have allowed the negativity to grow and mutate into a destructive gangrenous force; sometimes limbs can be saved - but sometimes they must be amputated in order to prevent further damage.
Being intentional in 'cleaning house' as, and when needed, is the best way for one to manage such relationships. It may seem a ruthless thing to 'spring clean’ every so often, but of course it must be done with grace. That means we must never meet objects or people with the same negative forces that they are exuding. Instead, we must kindly and respectfully establish clear boundaries in the way that Allah advised us to:
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"Not equal are the good deed and the bad deed. Repel evil by that which is better, and then the one who is hostile to you will become as a devoted friend. But none is granted it except those who are patient, and none is granted it except one having a great fortune."
(Qur'an, 41:34-35)
It is of great importance that we do as Allah told us, and we repel evil by "...that which is better". This means we must always respond to hostile behavior in a manner that is fitting of a believer. However, that does not mean that we must invite it into our life with open arms. Rather we have to observe important boundaries for the protection of our souls and our homes, and we must do so in a dignified manner so as to ensure that we are not oppressive to others (even if they are oppressive to usj. This discussion now begs the question: What are the warming signs that an individual is toxic?
If you are intuitive, you will find this step very easy because you are naturally aware of what clouds of emotion and feelings surround you; this will allow you to identify toxically negative forces that seek to impede on your success knowingly, or unknowingly. If, however, you are not instinctively emotionally intuitive, and you often have a hard time registering 'energies' or 'vibes', then do not fear! I have put together a list of some of the warning signs below:
5 Telltale Signs of a Toxic Person: 1. The Green-Eyed Monster Toxic people usually have a strong jealous streak, and tend to be extremely critical of others. Jealousy in this person usually indicates that they are unhappy or ungrateful with whatever they may, or may not have. This characteristic is very dangerous, because their discontentment towards what Allah has divinely decreed for them is showing ingratitude to Allah. Such a person is so inundated by their jealousy of others that they disregard the numerous blessings they have been given - a very toxic trait indeed. 37
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2. The Black Hole
Toxic people sap all ofyour positive energy; just like black holes, these people have a notorious quality for sucking out all the optimistic and good energy you exude. In fact, not only do they remove the goodness from you, they bring with them a whole host of negative baggage and offload it onto you - leaving you to feel negative and drained. This is because the energy that the toxic individual emanates will always affect those around them. Take this energy seriously, because even though it cannot be seen with the naked eye, it can be felt psychologically and spiritually.
3. The Gossip Queen These kinds of people are continually backbiting and gossiping about others. You might assume that such gossip is harmless or even true in some instances, but the fact remains that it is still gossip - one of the most abhorrent qualities to have in general, let alone in a 'friend'. It is well known that whoever talks to you about other people, will without a doubt, be talking about you to others. 4. The Egocentric Damsel in Distress
It may feel that every time you talk to this individual, there is an inequality in the conversation, as they demand to be the center of all discussions. This imbalance in the relationship may also mean that you find yourself constantly 'giving' in terms ofyour time, your listening ear, and your goodwill. On the contrary, this individual is happy to continually take whatever is given to them, and forfeits all rights to return that mutual kindness. In other words, they are 'takers’ and not 'givers’. There is a sense of entitlement that exists within this person; more importantly this individual is egocentric and may not even understand that they are hoarding all the benefits of this relationship, without contributing anything to it themselves. This imbalance can make you feel like a honey-pot that is undermined, undervalued, and
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to direct the attention back to them - it gives them the validation they so earnestly seek.
Secondly, the negative gossip and backbiting about the Professor showed to me 1 was probably next in the firing line. Sure enough, I later found out that this was indeed the case. Eventually this 'friendship' became very confusing and emotionally burdensome, so I decided it was high time to cut it off in the best manner possible. At the time, I delayed the process of evaluating the 'friendship' because I felt that by being in her life, I would be helping her to change in a positive way; there was a sense of guilt I felt in distancing myself from her.
It is important to note here that you must not allow your pity of such individuals endear you into preserving such a relationship (like I did - until I was hit by an epiphany). You may truly feel that your influence is helping them, but sometimes the reality is that whilst they do benefit somewhat from you, you may actually be doing more harm to yourself - and your safety takes precedence over all else. You will also find that your distance from such individuals may in fact allow them to recognize their toxic behaviors, and could potentially facilitate them into changing their ways.
I must also mention here, that human beings are complicated creatures, and they are not always inherently good, or inherently bad. Instead, we are an amalgamation of what we choose to be based on our repeated behaviors. This is important for us to understand, because whilst we may create boundaries with people who are not good for our soul and mind, we must not judge them, or assume that we are better than them. Indeed, Allah may will for us to be tested with whatever vice they are being tested with. Therefore we must always exercise utmost caution in these matters, and ensure that we are never unjust in what we assume of them - rather, we must be respectfully aware of where they should be placed in our life. 39
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with this individual so that you are minimizing harm to yourself, and to others around you.
The Cleanse Tidying up is an act of meditation - it brings about peace and tranquility, as Marie Kondo so eloquently described in this chapter’s opening quote. Therefore, the process of compartmentalizing and removing things from our physical and mental cupboards should bring about cleansing and serenity; this process of tidying up your life, and your relationships will distill meaning into the way that you live and socialize. It should infuse purpose and drive back into your heart and soul.
Indeed, the hardest part of the spring clean is first mustering up the bravery to begin it. Once you have started the engine, and developed momentum, you will find yourself driving to new destinations and finding lost items along the way. You will be able to reconnect with past memories, and more importantly, you will begin to treasure all of the blessings you have been given.
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Disclaimer Whilst all of these signs are very important for us to protect ourselves from harm, we must always remember that censoring our own selves for the above characteristics is the most essential first step. It is so easy to overlook one's self when pointing fingers at others - therefore this type of self-examination is necessary. Allah puts great emphasis on our Nafs (the soul) calling us to displeasing acts, so we must recognize that the battle begins within, before it begins outside; ensure that you are not the toxic one in the relationship, and you will naturally attract like-minds. We have now explained the kinds of people that you want to minimize your time with - toxic people. However, what if these people are those who you work with, or even family members? Such people cannot be eliminated from your life. In cases like this, you must create clear and healthy boundaries.
Draw the Line The ability to 'draw the line' will truly help you in all aspects of your life; it will mean that you demand the best of people, without compromising on any values that are important to you. In these circumstances, you must exercise wisdom, so that you do not fall into becoming the perpetrator instead of the victim. If it is a family member that exhibits the listed traits, it may help for you to talk to them, and express how you feel. This is an essential step since many people are actually unaware of how their behaviors come across to others. A simple sit-down can do wonders when it comes to naseeha (giving sincere advice), and it can indeed bridge any differences, as well as reconnecting your hearts.
If this step is unsuccessful, you must still do what is in your capacity to ensure that you are not severing any ties of kinship. However, you must assess what is a healthy boundary to establish 42
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ACTION EXERCISE: 1. List all the things that make you feel negative in your life - whether they are individuals, objects, or situations you find yourself in.
2. Write next to each one of the above points, something thatyou can do to turn that thing or experience into something that makes you feel happy. Consider whether it may be an idea to ‘clean house', or to set up some appropriate boundaries. (For example, let's say there is someone in the workplace that makesyou feel uncomfortable: Couldyou avoid having to see this individual? Could you report the situation to someone more superior? Could it be so serious that you should consider applying for a different job?)
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Find Power Through Prayer Prayer does not change God,
but it changes him who prays. — S0ren Kierkegaard
This chapter is dedicated to one of the most essential steps to success in both worlds - that is the act of praying. It is so critical to one’s success, that if it is mastered, it could lead to the Superb Success in
both worlds. However, if it is deficient, or absent from one’s life, then all other attempts to achieve success will become feeble.
What is Prayer? The term 'prayer' in many Western self-help books is often used
interchangeably with the word 'meditation'. Meditation is a practice that is used to train attention and awareness; its objective is to leave
the one who practices it feeling a sense of mental clarity and peace. 45
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Prayer on the other hand, focuses on the objective of worship meditation being only one component of that. In Islam, an important requirement of the prayer is that the worshipper must focus their thoughts into a state of complete concentration and submission, called Khushoo'in Arabic. Therefore as Muslims, the prayer allows us to become deeply purposeful through invoking our Creator (by fulfilling our Supreme Purpose). In addition to this, we also become mindful through exercising our focus in the prayer itself. This powerful technique, if done correctly, will exercise an intellectual prowess that can make the Muslim highly disciplined and efficient in their domestic, professional and communal lives.
What Are the Virtues of Prayer? Indeed, the enemy of success is distraction. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that we practice reaching the state of khushoo' both in our prayers, and within all other aspects of our lives.
Within the prayer itself are numerous benefits for the body, mind and soul. Achieving victory in each of these domains will lead to success in many areas of one’s life. Below, I have listed just a few of the virtues of praying the obligatory 5 prayers at their prescribed times. (This list is by no means just limited to whatyou see below; the virtues of
the prayer are indeed much more expansive and vast)
1.
You have fulfilled Allah's right over you:
If the only productive thing that you did in your entire day was to pray your 5 prayers on time, then you have accomplished a great thing. The prayer is something that is an obligation that Allah has given to us, therefore attending to it with the diligence it deserves, is a mighty act of love for Allah. Allah says:
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"My slave does not draw closer to Me by anything more beloved to Me than that which I have made obligatory upon him..." [Bukhari]
2.
Prayer will help you in the hereafter:
Your prayers will be the first thing that you will be asked about on the Day of Judgment. If your prayers are sound, then the rest of the judgment becomes easy. The Prophet Muhammad said:
"The first thing among their deeds for which the people will be brought to account on the Day of Resurrection will be prayer. Our Lord will say to His angels, although He knows best, 'Look at My slave's prayer, is it complete or lacking?' If it is complete, it will be recorded as complete, but if it is lacking, He will say, 'Look and see whether my slave did any voluntary (nawafil) prayers.' If he had done voluntary prayers, He will say, 'Complete the obligatory prayers of My slave from his voluntary prayers.' Then the rest of his deeds will be examined in a similar manner." [Abu Da wood]
3.
You can develop a deeper and more intimate relationship with your Creator:
During the prayer you are in direct communication with Allah. In fact, we are told that during the recitation of Surah Al-Faatiha (the opening chapter of the Qur'an), that Allah actually responds to us after each verse. The Prophet Muhammad said:
"Allah Almighty said: I hove divided prayer between myself and my servant into two halves, and my servant shall have what he has asked for. When the servant says 'all praise is due to Allah the Lord of the worlds,' Allah says: 'My servant has praised me'. When he says 'the Gracious, the Merciful,' Allah says: 'My servant has exalted me'. When he says 'the Master of the Day ofJudgment,' 47
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Allah says: 'My servant has glorified me and my servant has
submitted to me'. When he says 'you alone we worship, you alone we ask for help/Allah says: 'This is between me and my servant, and my servant will have what he has asked for'. When he says
'guide us to the straight path, the path of those whom you have favored, not those who went astray,' Allah says: 'This is for my servant, and my servant will have what he has asked for.'"
[Muslim]
4.
Prayer is a release for your sadness, stress and anxiety:
In both the movements and the invocations of the prayer, there is an opportunity to process negative emotions. Therefore the act of praying becomes almost like a trampoline for our emotional condition - it propels us back up when we reach rock bottom. And if we already feel that we are spiritually uplifted, it will propel us even higher. In this sense, it can be seen as a physical and spiritual form of therapy.
5.
You exercise your time management skills:
Each prayer has a prescribed window of time in which it must be offered. Therefore, by default, a Muslim will naturally find it easier to be prompt with all other meetings and tasks they have planned in their day. This is because the soul and the body have become so disciplined that they have no option but to transfer these skills into other aspects of their life.
6. The fajr (dawn prayer) is extremely early in the morning, and will encourage you to wake up early: This is a golden ticket to phenomenal success because the early bird truly catches the worm. If you can begin your day before everyone else, you have created more time in your day - which means more time to be productive. The early morning possesses so much virtue that the Prophet Muhammad
said: 48
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"O Allah, bless my nation in their early mornings." [Ibn Majah]
7.
You can pray for anything that you want, and God-willing it will be answered:
Allah is the Creator and the Owner of everything in the heavens and the earth. Therefore, if we truly seek a thing, we should ask the only One who has the power to give it - Allah.
Purify your Intention As mentioned above, the enemy of success is distraction. The inverse would thus tell us that the secret to success is focus. But what is the secret of phenomenal success? It is to have focus specifically in the prayer (khushoo'). This will help you transcend in both your spiritual and worldly affairs.
I must also add here that praying consistently is an art. And just as any art or craft requires discipline and practice - so too does the prayer. To master the art of praying consistently and with excellence, you must first begin with the intention to do so. As with all things in life - our intention and motivation, is the key. Therefore, establishing our reason for why we are praying is a critical component of whether Allah accepts it or not. One way to fortify your intention is to ponder over the greatness of the One that you are praying to; this will help you to understand why you must do so, and will also quickly humble you into a state of true submission in your prayer. When understanding the magnitude of the One who created you, you will instinctively pray from a place of awe and eagerness, rather than feeling it to be a burden or some obligation that you just need to get out of the way.
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Once a believer has become proficient in habitually attending to the prayers with the diligence they deserve, they will find that it is like a source of light and happiness that they could not imagine their life without. The prayer will possess such a sweetness, that the believer will rush to it in order to find the tranquility that their soul so ardently seeks. When telling his companion to pronounce the call to prayer (adhari), the Prophet would say:
"Oh Bilal, give us rest with it" [Abu Dawud]
In a similar way, we will find peace and serenity in the prayer, once we treat it with the importance it deserves.
Time-Manage Around Your Prayer We live in an age where many Muslims delay their prayers, structuring them around their day, as opposed to structuring their day around their prayers. This fatal mistake is what could quite easily jeopardize the trajectory of their questioning in the hereafter - a clear act of self sabotage.
We are told that Allah will ask about our prayers first, and this in and of itself should be sufficient in understanding the magnificent virtue and superiority that the five obligatory prayers possess. If we are negligent in this, we are committing a grave disservice to our self. However, if we strive to master them, at their prescribed times, we will undoubtedly increase our inner-peace and fulfillment:
"Whoever goes right, then he goes right only for the benefit of his ownself. And whoever goes astray, then he goes astray to his own loss." (Qur'an, 17:15)
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Out-run Your Competitors "Ifyou see a man competing with you with regards to this world, then compete with him concerning the hereafter."
— Hasan Al-Basri If you can supersede others in the prayer, you will have
superseded them in one of the greatest things imaginable. I mention this because it is hard-wired within us to compete with our peers -
perhaps a concept best compared to the idea of the survival of the fittest in the animal kingdom.
However, in Islam, we are told that this competitive nature is highly encouraged when we are competing to do good deeds. Instead of striving to have a better car, or to be prettier than others, we should
strive to do more good deeds than them. And why not begin, in the noblest of all acts: the prayer.
The Last Third of the Night So far we have talked about the five obligatory prayers that must be
fulfilled every single day. Truly, this will bring you success both in this life and in the hereafter. However, an entirely different level of success is hidden within a very special prayer: the tahajjud prayer (also known as the voluntary 'night prayer’, which falls in the last third of the night). The Prophet Muhammad
said:
"The Lord descends every night to the lowest heaven when one-
third of the night remains and says: 'Who will call upon Me, that I may answer him? Who will ask of Me, that I may give him? Who
will seek My forgiveness, that I may forgive him?'"
[Bukhari] If there is something that you want to ask Allah for - whether
it is something worldly, or even something for the hereafter, then the last third of the night is the time. The great scholar, Imaam Al-Shafi’ee
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once said: "The dua (invocation) made at tahajjud (voluntary night prayer)
is like an arrow that does not miss its target.”
In fact, not only is this prayer an excellent means for you to optimize the potential of your prayers being answered, but it will indeed make you more beautiful. You might be wondering how that is
so, but we are told in numerous narrations that those who made the tahajjud prayer would have a brightness that could be seen on their
faces. So there you have it, a natural glow that can be achieved simply through praying!
Seek Allah's Guidance When Making Decisions Salaat al-istikhaara is the name of the prayer that is specifically read at a time when we are seeking Allah’s guidance in a matter.
Oftentimes many young Muslims associate this prayer when
they are deciding on their spouse. Usually they think a sign will come
to them in the form of a dream or some other superfluous apparition. But in truth, the sign of guidance after the istikhaara is that the thing you prayed for guidance in, is either facilitated or obstructed.
Contrary to popular opinion, this prayer for guidance need not be reserved to big life-changing decisions alone. Rather, istikhaara
was something that the companions would do even for small decisions they intended to make. The Prophet Muhammad
said:
"If anyone ofyou thinks of doing any job he should offer a two Rakat prayer other than the compulsory ones and say (after
the prayer): V Allah, I seek Your guidance [in making a choice] by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your
power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have
none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. 0 Allah, if in Your knowledge, this matter (-mention the matter here-) is good for me both in this world and in the
hereafter, then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless 52
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it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me and for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs, then turn me away from it, and turn it away from me, and ordain for me the good wherever it may be, and make me pleased with it." [Bukhari] From my own personal experiences, I can tell you that I have never prayed the istikhara prayer except the decision I intended on undertaking became crystal clear to me. There is something very
special about this prayer, which is why I have dedicated a section of this book to it. I cannot emphasize enough the astonishing success
that comes as a result of sincerely believing and relying upon Allah; indeed this is an exclusive type of sweetness that only a few will ever taste.
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ACTION EXERCISE:
1. Do you have a decision that you are about to make in your life? I ask that you do both or at least one of the following, and watch all the blessings and success start flowing in: a. Pray tahajjud in the last third of the night, and ask Allah for all of the things you are in need of.
b. Pray the istikhaara prayer for any decision (big or small) that you anticipate making.
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5 Take Control Of Your Time Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.
— Abraham Lincoln
Perhaps the single most important feature that distinguishes the
phenomenal from the mediocre is the art of time management. This is arguably one of the most challenging spheres of our lives to master -
especially in the age of perpetual notifications.
We are constantly being torn between this app, and that app,
this call, or that email, and by the end of the day we have exhausted all of our focus. More importantly, we have used our finite time on futile things that we had never intended to - things that distract us from achieving our goals.
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The Importance of Time Time is the meter by which we measure almost everything: What
time of day is it? What time is the next prayer? What time should I meet you? It is such a valuable commodity, that the question most people ask when hearing the news of a life-threatening disease is:
“How much time do I have left?" ThereforeJust as with all other commodities, we must invest
and use the time that we are given wisely. The interesting thing about
it is that no one can give it to us except Allah, and no one can help us use it well except our own selves; it is such a precious and valuable
thing - so much so that Allah chooses to swear an oath by it in the Qur’an:
"By Time. Indeed man is in loss. Except those who have faith and
do righteous deeds, and enjoin on each other the truth, and enjoin on each other patience."
(Qur'an, 103:1-3)
Why is time so important that our Lord has sworn by it? Whenever I fall into the mode of procrastination (which is the default
if we do not manage our time correctly), I remind myself that I cannot get time back. Once I understand that I am accountable for the way that I spend it, I become more conscious - more intentional.
This means that I do not say yes to every person or every task that demands my time. Instead, I have a set of priorities that I create a framework around, and anything that does not align with that, will not be allocated a time for.
Time Management Tips It is all good and well to talk about abstract concept of time, but
this book is about practicality: How can I actually implement the importance of the habits that determine success? Therefore, I have compiled a list of some practical ways that can help you in maximizing
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how efficient you are with your time: 1.
Goal-Setting Sunday
The number one advice that I can offer you is: you must begin by establishing your goals. This means you always begin by asking yourself the night before your day begins, which goals or tasks are most important for you to complete the next day.
The secret here is to keep it simple. Do not make the mistake of writing exhaustive lists of all the things you should have done last year, as well as what must be done tomorrow. Instead, keep it manageable and focus on at least three main tasks that must be completed every day. The key to most things in life is simplicity. Do a single thing, with a great deal of focus, and you shall reach a level of mastery in it. But do many things at a surface level and you will be a jack of all trades, but a master of none. A wise philosopher and martial artist once said:
"I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times." — Bruce Lee
2.
Prioritize:
Once you have written down all of your goals for that week, you must now rank them according to their importance. An important task, for example, may be one that has a closer deadline, such as a paper that must be submitted before the weekend.
Listing all of your goals according to their priority will help you to establish an order by which you can approach your 'task list'. This will ensure you get the crucial and time-sensitive tasks completed first. In the case that you do not complete your tasks for that day, then at least you would have completed the most essential ones. 57
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3.
Stick it on your Calendar:
Nowadays many people favor online calendars, however I am a true believer in the old-fashioned pen and paper method. There is something very fulfilling about the act of physically writing important information down; it makes it much easier to visualize your tasks in front of you versus having to pull out your phone or computer. The other benefit of using the traditional hand-written method is that you can eliminate distraction. To exlude your phone from this process will also remove the temptation of checking your social media apps and notifications, which would horrendously disrupt all the focus you were able to muster up in the first place.
Being a perfectionist by nature (both a blessing and a curse) has meant that over the years I have fine-tuned a method of planning that has truly maximized the way that I use my time. I began by always writing checklists, which were pretty thorough - but they were never achievable.
Through writing these detailed and exhaustive lists, I was covering many areas, but over time I would find myself very frustrated at the end of the day because I had not prioritized the most important tasks first. After tweaking this method, 1 found that the best form of planning involves designating a very specific time-window for it to be completed it. Approaching your list in this way means that the brain can visualize and process what must be done because of the very simple format, versus looking at a huge list of items - which can be very overwhelming. When everything has a time and a place in your day - you will feel more at ease, and you are more likely to tackle your assigned tasks head-on.
Many people delay the tasks that must be done because of fear, and overthinking - along with a whole host of other negative thoughts. This inevitably leads to procrastination. To nip timewasting in the bud, the art of mapping out your day, along with the tasks to be done during each hour, allows you to structure your time into a visually descriptive format. 58
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The final step, is to just do it. Since you spent the night before
using your mental energy, you can now preserve your physical and
intellectual energy for accomplishing your goals on the day of.
Don't: Do not fall into the trap of writing out grandiose to-do lists
(even if you have your tasks categorized according to importance). I had always been taught to do this in school, and later found that it is
actually more of a hindrance to accomplishing desired tasks. Do: Instead of writing out one great list, break your tasks into time
frames, and structure your day (hour by hour), designating each task to a particular allotted time. In recent years I began to implement this
technique, and without any exaggeration I can safely say it was life changing. I found that my productivity exponentially increased, and
the tasks that I had always planned to complete (but never actually got done) were now complete!
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ACTION EXERCISE:
1.
Fill out the following table - the more honest you are, the better you will be at identifying areas where pockets of your time are not being utilized to their full potential:
Unconstructive behav iors/ habits/ actions that you are currently spending your time on
Constructive behaviors/ habits/ actions that you are currently allotting time for
Constructive behaviors/ habits/ actions you wish to make time for
2.
Consider the things that fall into the 'unconstructive' category: Why are you allotting time for these things? Are they things you do out of boredom or to 'kill time’?
3.
Consider the things that fall into the 'constructive' things that you wish to make time for: What is preventing you from doing these things at this present time?
Once you can identify the obstacles that are standing between you, and the desired actionsyou wish to fillyour time with,you will automatically become closer to your goals. For example, let's say our desired action is to spend more time with our family, and we identify the thing that is preventing us is a distraction such as social media, then we can create a strategy to tackle it. This will let us time-block family time' into our calendar. Even though it may seem to be a very clinical process, the truth is, we will never truly get around to this action unless we designate a timefor it. 60
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IF you have identified your desired goal, but after repeated attempts
of pursuit it, you are still unable to achieve it, then you may fall into one of the following categories:
Your goal may be unrealistic. It may help you to adjust it or re-assess
it entirely. It may be that the desired goal is something that Allah (in His infinite wisdom) is not facilitating for you, and so you must always make istikhara (please refer to chapter 4: Find Power in Prayer for more
information on this). Perhaps you may be pursuing a thing that is not good for your (either for your worldly life, or for your hereafter).
•
The intention behind this goal may need to be renewed (please read
more in chapter 2: Find Your Purpose). Perhaps you may be pursuing a thing for the wrong reason, and once you have corrected your
intention, you will then find your path to become easier.
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6
Make Yourself A Priority The beauty ofself-love is it never breaks your heart. — Aloka Perera
We live in an age where it is very difficult to achieve a state of balance amidst all the busyness of life. On the one hand we are told that "work, work, work," is the greatest priority in our lives. On the other hand, we are surrounded by so much luxury and pleasure that it is very easy to over-indulge in what appears to be self-care - which if done in excess, can indeed lead to self-harm.
Self-care however, is the harmonious middle ground; it is necessary in order for us to work towards a purposeful life because it allows us to strike a balance in our priorities. This helps to prevent one from falling into a perpetual state of instant gratification. The immediacy in seeking reward, or pleasurable feelings can become hedonistic if done in excess, but more importantly it can
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become detrimental to the psyche and the expectations we harbor of the world around us. Through demanding pleasure at all moments, and being fearful of pain, means that we have not accepted the true nature of this ephemeral world. Through extravagant pleasure we attempt to create our very own paradise-on-earth. If we cannot accept the reality of this world, then we will live a very incomplete existence - almost in a state of denial. We will neither be able to govern or control our base self into a disciplined state of being, nor will we be able to deal with the adversities that will touch us as we progress as travellers through this earthly realm.
What is Self-Care? Self-care is the act of focusing on the self in order to reconnect, rejuvenate and renew our spiritual and physical selves; we can call this definition the three R's of self-care,
If these three R’s are neglected in the very least, we will find ourselves in a state of anxiety because we are not doing justice to our body, nor our soul. A beautiful example of this is in the story of the three men that came to visit the Prophet Muhammad :
"A group of three men came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet asking how the Prophet & worshipped (Allah), and when they were informed about that, they considered their worship insufficient and said, "Where are we from the Prophet as his past and future sins have been forgiven." Then one of them said, "I will offer the prayer throughout the night forever." The other said, "I will fast throughout the year and will not break my fast." The third said, "I will keep away from the women and will not ever marry." Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) came to them and said, "Areyou the same people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of Him than you; yet I fast, and break my fast, I sleep, and I also marry women. So he who does not follow my tradition in religion, is not from me (not one of my followers)." [Bukhari]
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In this narration we see how the middle-path was indeed the way of our Messenger a path that strikes the perfect balance between the spiritual and worldly life. One need not be compromised for the success of the other - rather, the two walk hand in hand.
Take Care of Your Vessel We all lead busy lives- whether we are career women, moms, wives, students - or all of the above. However, despite how preoccupied we are, we must always make a concerted effort to take good care of the vessel within which our souls have been placed - that is our physical body.
The better we look after our bodies, the longer we can serve God through them. Many people assume that the soul and the body are two separate entities belonging to different realms. Whilst this is the truth, we must also remember that when the soul is coupled with the body as its vessel, it takes on a very unique relationship called the ‘nafs’ in Arabic. Therefore, we cannot negate the body from the equation when we are talking about our spirituality. Nor can we eliminate the soul from the discussion when we are talking about the worldly life. The two are conjoined, and share both physical and metaphysical experiences in a very intricate and complex way; we must always remember this in our discussion of the nafs. One may think that in order for us to attend to the soul, we must only devote ourselves to spiritual forms of rejuvenation. However, as Muslims we engage in worship through both our body, and our soul. A prime example of this can be found in the act of prayer: there is a clear physical component involved in this type of worship, through the motions of standing and prostrating - a significant point for us to ponder on. Therefore, we can say there is a clear relationship between the state and the submission of the physical self, and the state and submission of the spiritual self. The incongruity of the two ultimately leads to disharmony and conflict within an individual; oftentimes this manifests itself as feelings of dissatisfaction, and discontentment with life. 65
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Therefore it is of utmost importance that we take good care of both aspects of our being, as the two fit together like a hand fits into a glove. The overall self cannot ascend without the compliance and wellbeing of both the body, and the soul. Fortunately, there are so many ways that we can engage in self-care, but the ultimate goal is to take time for ourselves, and to protect and guard this time just as we would with our wealth, or any other finite resource. This is because our emotional and physical health is much more precious than wealth - we must never forget this.
Below I have listed a few ideas for how you can practice self-care. By all means, feel free to add your own practices to this list: 1. Sleep training We often associate sleep training with babies and young children. If you are a parent, you will have certainly experienced the painstaking effort that goes into getting children into a sleep routine. We should aim to also train ourselves in adulthood the same way that we train our children to sleep by a certain time. But most people do not optimize their potential in this area of their life. Instead, it is easy to forego the importance of a good night’s rest to do other things since we are no longer being told by our parents to be in bed by 9pm.
In my own personal experiences, both my child's, and my own sleep routine has been the key to my level of productivity. Sleeping early, and sleeping well, has created consistent and predictable pockets of time for me to designate towards work-related tasks, or household errands.
Getting a good night’s sleep is probably one of the most underestimated forms of self-care. It is very easy to overlook when we have so many tasks to get done in the day, and such little time. But a great way of making sure our mental and physical well-being is 66
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refreshed and energized, is by giving our body the rest that it requests of us.
There is so much research that proves how powerful a good night's sleep is on an individual's overall wellbeing. But what is more interesting, is that there are documented reports of sleep-routines, as it were, in the life of the Prophet - the greatest example for mankind. We are told by A'ishah (peace be upon her), the wife of the Prophet :
"The Messenger ofAllah would not sleep before the evening prayer (Isha'), and he would not stay up after it."
[Ibn Majah] We are told that the Prophet went to sleep after the evening prayer (this is the Isha' prayer - the last prayer of the day). The scholars have thus derived that it is disliked to talk a lot after the Isha’ prayer (unless necessary). Their reasoning is based on the idea that it could jeopardize an individual from waking up for the/a/r (dawn prayer) and/or for tahajjud. Thus, it is highly recommended that one should sleep soon after the last prayer of the day.
According to A’ishah's account of the Prophet Muhammad's routine, we are shown that the best time to sleep is after the evening prayer - an exclusive insight into how we can optimize our potential for success. This in and of itself is an indication that those who sleep early will not only be following the sunnah, but they will also put themselves in good standing when it comes to waking up early the very next day. Not only can we find spiritual benefits in sleeping early, but we will also find many health benefits too. We all know how disgruntled we feel after a rocky sleep, so we must ensure we are well-rested before we begin our day - this is paramount in having the necessary energy to achieve our goals.
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2. The Titillating Trio: Coffee, Writing, and Reflecting Coffee, tea, chai- whichever tickles your fancy. Sometimes life can get pretty hectic with a toddler (or the plural of these creatures) yodel ing
around like baby-Tarzans; hanging off the lampshade, he then leaps
across the TV stand and slam-dunks his large fluffy penguin on the
ground. So as you can imagine, we sometimes need an hour to re
charge and re-energize. More importantly, this time should be used for our own
selves. We should remember who we are, what we are here to do, and what we find joy and fulfillment in. I mention this because it is very
easy for women, who then become wives and mothers to become preoccupied with the daily demands of these roles, that we often neglect ourselves in the process. A simple coffee, and time alone for journaling or reading can
sometimes be sufficient enough for us to re-center and reconnect with ourselves. We can transfer our thoughts onto paper, or we can
engage intellectually with some piece of literature that speaks to something within ourselves. This act of reading, writing and reflecting may seem trivial
to some, but I am a firm believer that as human beings we search for things that provoke thought and engage us on a deeper level. If we are so swamped by the mundane, and the running of errands etc. it
can be difficult to achieve this state. But if we simply pick up a book,
or immerse ourselves in reflective thought, it could become a great source of inspiration and creativity. As a writer, and poet, this is something 1 take very seriously.
This particular form of self-care is crucial for me when it comes to
feeling inspired!
3. Pamper yourself Our physical appearance is a reflection sometimes of our internal
emotional state, and also the reverse: how we look after our physical
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selves, can affect the way we internally feel. Many women might challenge this assertion by saying that
our physicality should not affect the way that we feel internally. The
reality is that it does. To take it a step further: it also affects how others perceive us.
Whilst I am a great opponent of judging a thing from its external appearance, I truly believe that it is within human nature to be visual creatures, with an appreciation for that which is well-kept and looked after. I must mention here that it is of utmost importance that self-
care begins from within. However, there is a component of self-care that involves the exterior in conjunction with the internal. That is to
say, if we take pride in how we feel externally, it will complement how we feel emotionally, and even spiritually.
In addition to this, in Islam we are advised to consider our
external appearance- specifically for our spouses. A great example of this is in the story where one of the companions of the Prophet
e
visits his brother in faith:
"The Prophet
made a bond of brotherhood between Salman
Al-Farisi and Abu Darda'. Salman paid a visit to Abu Darda'and found Um Darda' (his wife) dressed in shabby clothes and asked
her why she was in that state. She replied, "Your brother Abu
Darda' is not interested in (the luxuries of) this world." In the meantime Abu Darda' prepared a meal for Salman. Salman
requested Abu Darda'to eat (with him), but Abu Darda' said, "I am
fasting." Salman said, "I am not going to eat unless you eat". So, Abu Darda' ate (with Salman). When it was night and (a part
of the night passed), Abu Darda'got up (to offer the night prayer), but Salman told him to sleep and Abu Darda' slept.
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After sometime Abu Darda' again got up but Salman told him to sleep. When it was the last hours of the night, Salman told him to get up then, and both of them offered the prayer.
Salman told Abu Darda', "Your Lord has a right over you, your soul has a right overyou, and your family has a right over you; so you should give the rights of all those who have a right over you." Abu Darda' came to the Prophet & and narrated the whole story. The Prophet^ said, "Salman has spoken the truth.""
[Bukhari]
This hadith (narration) is an excellent example of how taking care of the things that have a right over you is crucial. Your body and your emotional and psychological wellbeing has a right over you, and neither of them should be neglected. 4. Embrace Your Hobbies
We often tell ourselves that we will come back to something when we have more time. The reality is that we have time, but we choose not to allocate it to our hobbies. Instead we pursue work, chores, and things that we receive an immediate reward from - all of which can easily lead to burn out after a whole day of'momming', for instance.
Hobbies help us to connect to ourselves in many ways - they teach us things about ourselves, and allow us to think introspectively in the moments we enjoy when engaging in them. As we live our lives, we often focus on doing what is best for our children, and our family members, but a hobby is something that we do for ourselves. Therefore we must make sure we enjoy it and find within it a part of our self that we may have left behind many years ago. In revisiting it, we will bring back a flood of memories of who we were, to who we have become; there is something much deeper in engaging in this form of self-care, and in many ways it is comparable to play for children.
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Play is used to educate and stimulate the child's mind so that they can develop creativity, teamwork and a whole host of other social and psychological virtues. Similarly, hobbies for adults have this same effect.
Life demands that we firstattend to our needs for survival. As a result of this, we oftentimes abandon and sacrifice the little things that bring us happiness and joy because we are too busy trying to survive and remain 'afloat'. Setting time aside to write, paint, hike, or even just to bake a cake can bring an enormous amount of joy to our lives - and it is important that we do not overlook these as frivolous pastimes. 5. Unplug
"Almost everything will work again ifyou unplug it for a few minutes, including you." — Anne Lamott Today, we live in a highly stimulating society. Even if we are sat in the comfort of our own home, our smart phones now allow us to connect digitally to a whole new world of perpetual images, signals and notifications. Whilst this can help us be more informed about what is happening in our community, it can also have a great bearing on our psychological, emotional and even our physical health. After all, if we are seeing continual images of the apparently perfect lives of others, it is very easy to feel that you are living in an alternative reality.
The subject of social media could probably make up a book on its own, but for all intents and purposes, I wish to say just a few points about it:
Social media is like any other form of socializing; sometimes it can be therapeutic to connect with family and friends, and other like-minded people - but in excess it can become like a poison. Too much exposure, too much time invested in it, and too much reliance upon it can become toxic and devastating to our self-care. Therefore, 71
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to undertake somewhat of a social media-fast from time to time can
have wondrous effects: You will find that you have more time on your hands - this will
enableyou to become more productive and intentional in how you use your time, ultimately making you more positive and fulfilled because you are working towards your goals. It will allow you to focus on your life, instead of living in a state of limbo where you are constantly comparing yourself and your
situation to other people online. You can develop more meaningful connections in real-life versus nurturing relationships through your virtual life. The fulfillment
that comes through this is magnificent. These relationships will serve you well because they are based on something tangible and real, versus what many of our virtual 'friends’ offer us.
All of the above benefits of social media fasting will enable us to become liberated and fulfilled - which is the ultimate goal of selfcare.
In summary, do not overlook the things that inspire and ignite the fire within you. That fire is the key to keeping you
motivated in pursuing your dreams - an art that is so ardently buried by the mundane. Excite your inner-self and remember that the overall
objective in establishing self-care is to attend to the deepest parts of your self that no one else can reach, exception.
The key is to remember that self-care need not involve luxurious bath salts and lavish weekends away, but the deepest self-
care is that which pays attention to the simple and little things in life that help to set in balance goodness to the body and goodness to the
soul. The great scholar, Imam Al-Shafi’ee once said: "It is not befitting of the one who has self-respect
to seek rest in this world."
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Whilst it is important that we seek rest in the midst of life’s demands upon us - we must always remember it is something
comparable to a pit stop. The nature of this life is that it will involve
toil, hard work and perseverance - if what you seek is the great reward in the hereafter. One of the manifestations of Allah's mercy is that He has provided for us means of self-care and self-love for rejuvenation.
In this way, we can strengthen ourselves through temporary rest, and then we can continue to work hard. What a beautiful and balanced
religion Islam is!
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ACTION EXERCISE
1.
Write down three things that you enjoy doing (whether it is a hobby or some other form of relaxation or self-care).
2.
What effects did you notice after engaging in this form of selfcare?
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7
Revolutionize Your Marriage "They are garment foryou, and you are garmentfor them." (Qur'an, 2:187) The age-old idea of meeting one's soul mate has become one of the greatest life goals of most people today. This quest for a happy ending is even demonstrated through the Princess' hopes in finding her Prince Charming - as is told to us in many of the fairytales we read when we were children.
The search to find the most eligible bachelor is certainly the most common discussion I get into with my college friends, since most are looking for Mr. Right in a sea of Mr. Wrongs. Indeed, this frustration is very common amongst young Muslim women today. From my own personal experiences, I can tell you that marriage is definitely not a fairytale - nor is it all about gentle walks 75
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on the beach watching the sunset together like the movies deceitfully tell us. Instead, it takes a mountain of patience, and perseverance
to make it work. However, striving to find resolve and peace in this particular realm of our lives can unlock immense rewards and blessings for us. If we can strive to make our marital life a place of
repose that is full of tranquility and love, the success that follows will
expansively flow over into all other aspects of our life. I have thus dedicated this very important chapter to
practical reflections and advices on how you can leverage marriage
to secure your success in this worldly life, but more importantly, in the hereafter.
Why is a Successful Marriage So Important? The tone of our life is often set by the stability and peace (or the lack
thereof] in our homes. The primary relationship that can dictate the success of all others within the household is the one between man
and woman, as husband and wife. If society put more importance
on this sanctified union, then perhaps young adults would approach marriage in the way that it deserves. Instead, societal values are slowly changing and are now beginning to challenge attitudes towards
Islamic marriage -
eroding it from the core. For example, the widespread prevalence of promiscuity and pre-marital relationships, as well as the increasing
rise in infidelity has usurped the status quo. This has meant that co-habiting with a boyfriend or girlfriend is seen as quite normal
compared to how it would have been seen say just thirty or forty years ago. Therefore, we can see that the success and longevity of healthy marriages is a pressing and crucial issue in today's social and
religious climate.
As Muslims, we understand the position that Islam takes on
actions such as co-habitation, promiscuity, and adultery. However, growing up in a society where these immoral relationships have
become normalized, anaesthetizes us from the true brutality that
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they wage on the thinking of the average American Muslim.
We must remind ourselves that certain practices that were
highly abhorrent and taboo in previous times, are now commonplace. And without a doubt, they are seeping into the Muslim community.
Therefore it is of utmost importance for us to understand the reality of the conditions that we are living in, so that we can equip the next
generation with the tools necessary to protect themselves from
falling into the entrapments and illusions of the worldly life. This preservation of the marital bond is so sanctified and necessary because it has the power to cement together the family
unit, and helps to raise a stable and secure next generation. Since our children and grandchildren will be the torchbearers of our legacy, we
must do all that we can to rear them in healthy homes so that they can thrive.
Not only will a child who is raised well do justice to the
parents, but they will do justice to Islam, and can contribute better to
their community. On the flipside, the consequences of toxic marriages and ill parenting can produce children who become burdensome and
hazardous to society - and that is when we all lose.
However, I must mention here that the traditional family
unit is not necessarily the only factor that comes into play when raising a successful next generation. We see many prolific examples of children who grew up to achieve great success, in spite of being
raised in single-parent homes. The greatest example we have of this, is the Prophet Muhammad
who was orphaned at an early age. For
the entirety of his upbringing, he was placed under the guardianship of various family members. Interestingly, this characteristic can
also be seen in the example of many of the Prophets and Messengers (peace be upon them all). Therefore, we can deduce from this, that a stable and happy marriage in and of itself is not the only determinant of success, but it is in many cases an essential component of it.
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The Reality of Marriage In order for us to derive a solution to the obstacles and challenges we are facing with respect to marriage, we must first take a moment to discuss the true nature of it. This will help us to understand the intricacies of the institution of marriage, which will then make it easier for us to identify the ailments that are present within many households. Once we have a firm grasp on this, we can talk about suggested remedies that can heal and fortify this sanctified union. In a world where love and marriage is presented as a dream like fantasy, it is very easy for the average person to fall prey to this unrealistic notion that finding a romantic partner is the answer to all their problems. Movies, music, literature, and even the media depict relationships as being magical, and infallible. Whilst love, and marriage can be beautiful and full of love, most people neglect to understand the reality - until it comes crashing down on them - once they are actually married. On the contrary, a healthy marriage is quite like the seasons - it goes through cycles: there are beautiful and hopeful springs, which easily move into passionate summers. Then there is defeat and loss in the fall, with harsh and barren winters that may follow. Some relationships skip a season, whilst others fluctuate between this and that climate. Just as our bodies mature and modify, so too do our relationships - sometimes for the worst. Sometimes for the best. In understanding this characteristic of marriage, we will then come to understand how the human temperament must adjust to these natural fluctuations, in order for us to embrace and evolve with it. Otherwise, we will stagnate, and in many cases regress if we cannot grow or improve with our spouse.
First and foremost, one should remember that the binding force of a relationship should be rooted in the deeper intent of seeking Allah's pleasure. Naturally, we should be attracted to our spouse, and compatible in our interests and goals, but any deficiency in this can 78
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only be healed by a sincere love for Allah. If love for Allah is absent in a marriage, yet the spouses claim to love one another, the relationship has no solidified foundation to anchor it in moments of turbulence (of which there will be many). The notion that a marriage is between two individuals alone is inherently flawed, because it deducts the most important unifying force between the couple, and that is Allah. So whilst a husband and a wife may believe they are the sole parties involved in their marriage, they must always remember that their contract was bound by Allah. Thereafter, any individual who has consciousness, and fear of Allah in their marriage (and in all aspects of their life, for that matter) will find His help and His assistance surrounding them; they will always find protection and resolution in all of their affairs so long as they are sincere in their intention. On the contrary, if an individual enters a marriage believing that it is binding them to their spouse, without any higher power involved, they will find very little contentment and fulfillment through their marriage. They will not seek Allah’s counsel or assistance in their affairs, and as a result of this, they will find their marriage is easily uprooted in the midst of trials and tribulations.
The woman who is successful in both worlds, is the one that has become proficient in the art of marriage. This does not mean that she has submitted to entire domination and control of her husband (by any means), but it means that she has learned to navigate through the waters of change and challenge, that marriage inevitably brings with it. This will take the woman from strength to strength, giving her a power that allows her to take control of her decisions, and to thus take control of her life.
Needless to say, marriage is not necessarily for everyone, and is not mandatory for success. Thus, we must dismiss the notion that success can only be achieved through marriage, and we must understand that this is only one of many avenues for seeking success - both in this world, and in the hereafter. 79
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The Social Media Reality It is my belief that we must never look at a thing as complex as human relationships in somewhat of a social vacuum. The dynamics of a relationship are heavily dictated by the external conditions within which they originally come into fruition; this is why the discussion of social media is a necessary one to be had.
The recent exponential boom in social media applications and sites is an interesting contributor to the state of marriages and relationships today. Whilst much research is still being done into this, there are many evident detrimental consequences that we are beginning to see unfold. Instagram, for example, allows the spectator to assume that their friends, and 'influencers’ are living perfect lives in flawless marriages - free from pores on their noses, and tiffs in their kitchens. In truth, the statistics on marital bliss would sternly disagree.
We are living in a society where divorce is at an all-time high - which is also the case in the Muslim community. This indicates that there is something fundamentally flawed in many marriages today. The battle of constant comparison (which of course is coded within our nature as human beings), in addition to the 'look what I have' culture of social media, has meant that depression has sky-rocketed; now relationships outside of the virtual world are beginning to suffer as a result of this.
Indeed, social media has afforded a platform for all people to present themselves in a way that they deem most favorable. The collective value of all of these personality displays has had a morbid effect on how the average person thinks of their own selves by comparison to what they are visually ingesting. The perpetual drilling and conditioning of young minds encourages conformity, and has unleashed the threat of a powerfully unhealthy status quo with regards to what the ideal individual (and thus the ideal relationship) should look like. 80
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Furthermore, images of other people - many of whom indulge in cosmetic procedures, as well as being proficient in Photoshop, severely mislead and distort the standard of beauty. This easily causes the average woman and man to feel inadequate by comparison to this new synthetic form of external beauty.
Not only are individuals comparing themselves to these unrealistic standards, but they are also comparing their spouses to them too; the deleterious consequences of this lead to a mutated expectation, and consequently can lead to dissatisfaction in marriages all around the world. This, coupled with the inability to deal head-on with the demands and realities of marriage, puts the relationship in a very compromising position.
As we can see, we are entrenched in such a superficial culture that is deep-down festering with insecurities, inadequacies, and a yearning for something deeper. We are becoming increasingly disconnected, in a world that has never been more 'connected'. And I cannot think of any solution to this problem, except for us to turn back to Allah, and to remember that we will only find peace through this. "Verily, in the remembrance ofAllah do hearts find rest" [Qur'an, 13:28)
The remedy for this sickness will only arrive once we have acknowledged that we suffer from a disease. Until then, we cannot expect the treatment to arrive. But for the one who is cognizant of the online world and it’s effects on social relationships (especially in marriage), please use it with caution. This does not necessarily mean we must be detached from the online platform entirely, but it means we are on guard to the distractions, and the snares of it. Understanding this, and making modifications in your online behaviors will mean you are a step ahead of others who are so deeply immersed in the deceptive illusion the virtual world offers them.
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The Facade of Freedom On a very relevant side note, The Facade of Freedom is the idea that an individual believes they are free from any form of bondage, but in reality they are chained in more ways than they could ever imagine; this is an extension of the false reality we often see depicted on social media.
This veneer of success is important for us to recognize because it directly challenges the values that Islam gives importance to, and it seeks to rid society of its moral framework in order to further its wicked agenda. It appears seemingly innocent on the surface, but it is deeply cunning at its core. It is the fashion and beauty industry. This may take some of you by surprise, but I will elaborate more on this below. We live in an era where women's rights have never been more fought for; where female empowerment and liberation is at an all-time high. In this oxymoronic complex, we see the shackles of patriarchy still chaining many women under the guise of liberating them. One of the greatest examples of this is the fashion and beauty industry: women are told that they are 'free' to wear anything they please, and yet the industry (managed by an overwhelming male majority] uses the feminine mystique to sell products such as cars, watches, clothes and dare I say, it makes the woman herself the commodity. In the process, she marches down catwalks - identified by her stride, and is unable to say even a word. Where is the liberation of the woman if it is not found in her speech? One would think that as Muslims we would be able to recognize this and free ourselves from the mental bondage that we are so often told is representative of beauty and success. Rather, we have established our own modest fashion industry using similar catwalks to promote clothing, hijabs and the likes. Please do not take this to mean that modest fashion in and of itself, is the ‘bad guy', but it is the idea of assimilation that I am challenging.
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This movement is particularly destructive because it has manipulated the Muslim woman to believe that her worth is in her appearance - be it through her clothing, or her beauty. For Muslim women, it has always been understood that the hijab eradicates the need to only be appreciated for the aforementioned qualities. The hijab acts as a religious and political statement that tells the onlooker that the woman who wears it chooses to defy the system of objectification. Therefore the Muslim woman should think beyond the allure of this industry that itself admits to its superficial nature. Rather, she should take what she pleases from it, but must understand that the purpose of our existence as women far exceeds the doctrine of self-beautification and external decoration. That we are reflective and spiritual beings that seek something much deeper from ourselves, from our relationships, and from our communities. However, the toxic potential of this industry does not stop here: it specifically targets vulnerable young women. This 'freedom' is beautified, photoshopped, nipped, tucked and filtered to appear as some kind ofa heaven on earth.Thishas meantthattheimpressionable woman now sees a very distorted image of reality; this is because the lecherous fingers of strategic marketing campaigns lure her into the facade of feeling 'beautiful' because of the new pair of shoes she brought, as opposed to being inherently beautiful because of her internal traits. Before long, the naive Muslim consumer will conform to the very system that wages war on Islamic values; it seeks to envelop her into the trickery of feeling low self-worth if she does not add up to the same standards that the campaigns depict. How else can an industry thrive, unless it can convince the woman that she is missing or deficient in something? Of course, to feel incomplete is the essential component that the industry scavenges off of. In this way, corporations have capitalized off the Muslims, and at the same time they seek to disarm the power and honor that Islam gives to them. If you can persuade the one half of society that will then bear the next generation, that their worth comes only from the superficial elements of beautification, you have stripped them of their internal
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and external power without them even being aware of it. This powerful influence of the Western media on the minds of our women has meant that many now seek freedom through melting
into the melting pot, as opposed to celebrating their uniqueness within it.
Yet the question you are probably wondering at this point
is: how does this relate to marriage? Well, once the industry has an individual comfortably within its grip, it exudes power over all other
elements in their life. A good example of this is if you imagine a young woman who has lived her whole life being fed the belief that the
power of a female comes from what she looks like, and what she is able to financially afford for herself. If she has constantly been told
that her ability to fend for herself - without needing a man, then inadvertently she is being taught that as a future wife, she should be the sole breadwinner in her household. Some husbands abuse this and thus alleviate themselves from their Islamic responsibility
of providing for their families. Whilst financial independence can provide many benefits, it can also become cumbersome on the woman
if she is to manage the role of mother, wife, and the income-provider at the same time. That being said, if she seeks to happily take on this responsibility because of a need then by all means she is within her
rights to do so. Indeed, financial literacy is a skill that will assist all women (and men) throughout their lives. The issue arises only when
the rights and responsibilities between husband and wife become
blurred, and burdensome. If the Muslim woman pleases, she should work at her own
leisure - without feeling any sense of normalcy at the compulsion of her having to work to financially preserve a household. If the husband
and the wife so choose, they can operate as a dual-income family - but the woman should not feel that it is mandatory upon her (unless of
course some circumstance or mutual agreement necessitates it).
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Woke Woman In the above, we have talked a great deal about the path of self treachery that the industry seduces women to; a path that assuredly leads to failure. Now, I would like to focus on the ways that we can rebel against this perverted system of superficiality and consumerism - a way that we can attain both Surface Success and Superb Success.
This methodology we are about to explore will empower you, as a woman, to become conscious, or woke. To be woke in this context refers to a mindset; it is to think outside of the confines that a toxic status quo places upon the vulnerable and disenfranchised members of society. To be woke refers to an intelligent individual that seeks to educate themself in order to understand their freedom can never be given - that freedom is a God-given right that lives within each and every one of us. Like a seed, it must be watered in order for its fruits to be enjoyed. This methodology can only be explained through compelling examples of powerful and dynamic women that preceded us in their wisdom and woke-ness, so to speak. Thus, in the remainder of this chapter, I will dedicate a special focus to such women and wives who provide for us an essential guide to success, through their own lives. In my poetry, I talk a great deal about the women of the past, who reached a level of excellence in their faith (see page 176). The reason I feel so implored to do this is because in our current day we often forget the virtue of hindsight; we tend to overlook the examples of the past in favor of the here and now. Unfortunately, the 'here and now’ does a grave disservice to the powerful female role models that we have in our rich history as Muslims.
In our current day, the image of a great woman highly contradicts the examples we read about in our history - all the way from their mannerisms, vision and their wisdom, to the way that they dress and speak. I must mention this, because many industries target Muslim women and utilize them as tools to further their own agenda.
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The Muslim Womans Manifesto A woke woman is able to recognize such agendas and ploys, and can thus leverage her power of speech and freedom in order to establish what she wants to do, and not necessarily what society tells her to do.
The Greatest of Wives We are often bombarded by images of what a fantastic and gracious wife looks like externally, but rarely do we explore what personality traits she possesses beyond her domestic role. We must remember that examples of Muslim women who have reached the extraordinary status as distinguished wives are very scarce, but they do exist. The Prophet said:
"Indeed, this world is no more than temporary joys, and there is no temporary joy of this world that is better than a righteous
wife" [Muslim]
However, as scarce as it is, we should remember that Allah would not want for us to become the best of wives, without first setting for us an example. An excellent role model we have for this is the wife of the Prophet Khadijah (peace be upon her). There are so many facets of her character that are truly remarkable - some of which we will discuss below.
Mover and Shaker Khadijah bint Khuwaylid was the first wife of the Prophet Muhammad and what an inspirational woman she was!
Khadijah overcame some astonishing feats in a society that was extremely misogynistic and neglectful of women's rights. In fact, she lived amongst a people that would bury infant girls alive out of shame that their womenfolk gave birth to anything other than a boy. Yet, this powerful woman showed extraordinary assertive prowess in the face of a challenging status quo.
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It was not the custom of the Arabs at that time for women to work outside of the home, nor inherit wealth from their fathers. Yet Khadijah was the richest woman in all of Makkah. Not only did she thrive in all elements of her life, but she also possessed an interesting trait shown through her business acumen; it was through her affluent business endeavors that she came to meet the Prophet , since he came to work for her as a trusted employee. Khadijah’s unique status in society made her one of the most sought-after women, and indeed, Allah willed that only the best of the best would marry her - the Prophet and final Messenger, Muhammad
>•
If we examine Khadijah's life very carefully, we find that she challenged the norms in her community in many ways. In fact, she was an exception to many rules, as she was twice before married (and then divorced - or widowed according to the majority opinion). To add to this, she was a highly successful businesswoman, who hired others to manage her trade for her; she was also a mother and an excellent wife. All of these characteristics set Khadijah apart from every other woman in Makkah. But what distinguished her from all the women in the entire world? It was the level of excellence that she reached in her faith. We are told that she reached such a high caliber in her beliefand that is significant enough for us as women to pay mind to. We will explore this all-important aspect of Khadijah in more detail below.
Wise Woman We do not have many narrations of Khadijah in the biography of the Prophet however we do have substantial evidence of her assertive and empowering character as seen in one of her most famous statements. This iconic example was her articulate response to when the Prophet came to her in a state of fear, upon receiving revelation. Her words should be carved in gold:
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""Do not worry,"she said, "for by Him who has dominion over Khadijah's soul, I hope that you are the Prophet of this nation. Allah would never humiliate you, for you are good to your relatives, you are true to your word, you help those who are in need, you support the weak, you feed the guest and you answer the call of those who are in distress."" There is a great wisdom in why the Prophet felt solace in the arms of Khadijah (peace be upon her), and indeed her nurturing and empowering words speak volumes in support of this. There are numerous lessons to be learned from the great Mother of the Believers, and of them are the innumerable roles that she assumed, whilst still being such an excellent wife.
I mention the various roles that Khadijah assumed for a very intentional reason - and that is because she challenges the traditional definition of a 'good wife’. We are told that a great wife must cook delicious meals, and clean so impeccably; we are told that the best of wives is the housewife whose sole purpose is to serve her husband. To some men, this is the ideal wife, but Khadijah shows to us that a woman transcends just the role of a wife; she was a servant of God, a counselor, a mother, a business woman, a sister, a daughter, and an exceptional citizen - just to name a few.
A woman of such great caliber, exceptional mannerisms and wisdom has shown to us that traditional roles are not necessarily what we, as women, should feel confined to. So long as we are sincere and devoted to seeking the pleasure of Allah, we can break certain societal barriers, and raise the expectation of women all around the world.
The Wife of the Oppressive Tyrant Contrary to popular opinion- a happy marriage does not always equate to a successful life. The reverse also stands true: the one who is successful in life may not always be in a happy marriage. There
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are many examples that can be found in our own communities of this, but perhaps the most extraordinary example is miraculously documented in the Qur’an, and that is in the story of Asiyah (peace be upon her).
Asiyah Bint Muzahim was the wife of the tyrannical Pharaoh - the same Pharaoh that all of the Abrahamic religions note as being the supremely arrogant ruler of Egypt, notorious for slaughtering the first-born sons of the children of Israel. He was the same Pharaoh that continually rejected the message of Prophet Musa (peace be upon him). It was Asiyah, his wife, who found baby Musa as he floated along the river that passed by the palace - and it was she who pleaded with her husband to take him in and look after him as her own.
In his later life. Prophet Musa returned to Egypt with the message of monotheism; his foster mother Asiyah accepted it, and secretly became a practicing follower of his call. Eventually Pharaoh came to find out about Asiyah's conversion, and he dragged her out to the dessert and tortured her under the excruciating heat of the sun. Asiyah refused to abandon her belief, and eventually died as a result of Pharaoh’s severe persecution. Before her martyrdom, Asiyah made a very special invocation that was specifically mentioned in the Quran: "And Allah presents an example of those who believed: the wife of Pharaoh, when she said, "My Lord, build for me near You a house in Paradise and save me from Pharaoh and his deeds and save me from the wrongdoing people."
(Qur'an, 66:11)
This beautiful supplication made to Allah was detailed in the Noble Qur'an for a very important reason. Asiyah was in a relationship with a man that she despised because he rejected the belief in Allah. Yet, because of her level of faith, and her certainty in the truth, she is singled-out and revered in the Qur'an for all future generations to read and reflect on. The Prophet said: 89
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-
"The best of women among the people of Paradise are Khadija bint Khuwaylid, Fatimah bint Muhammad, Maryam bint 'Imran,
and Asiyah bint Muzahim, the wife of Pharaoh." [Ahmad]
In complete contrast to this, Pharaoh’s mention in the Qur’an is that he, along with his people, will be punished with the severest torment: "The Fire; they are exposed to it, morning and afternoon, and on the Day when the Hour will be established (it will be said to the
angels): "Cause Pharaoh's people to enter the severest torment!" (Qur'an, 40:46)
What a wondrous thing that one of the greatest women who ever lived, was tested by being married to one of the most wretched and evil men to have ever lived. This paradoxical relationship shows to us that it is indeed possible to reach great levels of faith - even if we are in matrimony with someone tyrannical or counterproductive to the relationship. It is a very challenging feat, but it is possible nonetheless. Through the example of Asiyah we can deduce that even if a marriage is falling apart, or is unsuccessful with respect to one of the spouses (and we have done all that is within our power to obey Allah), then it could quite be that this is a great opportunity that Allah is giving to us so that we can become closer to Him.
As women we must always remember that we only obey Allah, and we only obey the creation in that which aligns with what Allah has commanded. We must remember that our happiness and sadness should not be conditionally dependent on the state of our relationship with our husband. We must remember that if Allah wills, our success will be achieved no matter who conspires to obstruct it, or remove it from us. This type of thinking should be enough to console you, and make you strive harder towards your worldly and 90
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spiritual goals.
Single Mother Thus far we have talked about various different examples of marriages that could indeed propel us on our path to success. It is however important that we recognize there are individuals who achieved the height of success in both worlds - yet they were unmarried. The greatest example of this is Maryam, the mother of Isa (Jesus, peace be upon them both).
Maryam’s life is very interesting and allows us to derive many lessons that we can implement in our own lives:
As a young woman, she devoted herself to worshiping Allah in a mihrab (private chamber) that was built especially for her. Typically women did not have a designated area to stay overnight within the temple, but Maryam's mother (Hanna) dedicated her to the service of Allah: "[Mention, O Muhammad ^], when the wife of'Imran said, "My Lord, indeed I have pledged to You what is in my womb, consecrated [for Your service], so accept this from me.
Indeed, You are the Hearing, the Knowing." (Qur'an, 3:35) We see here that even before the immaculate conception of Prophet Isa (peace be upon him), Maryam was non-conventional in her society to begin with. Furthermore, the notable characteristics of the society in which Maryam was born into, was that it was full of immorality, and lewdness. Therefore the fact that she is recognized in Christianity and Islam for her purity and her modesty is not a mere coincidence.
It is always a characteristic of righteous women that they possess modesty, since hayaa' (shyness and modesty) is a branch of
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imaan (faith). The modesty of Maryam was unique and strange to her
community, who had left behind this practice. Yet she persevered and
maintained her own individuality with an unrivaled strength - and she certainly did not need a man to validate her in that; she relied upon Allah, and He was enough for her: "Every time Zakariyah entered upon her in the prayer chamber,
he found with her provision. He said, "O Maryam, from where
is this [coming] to you? She said, "It is from Allah. Indeed, Allah provides for whom He wills without account."
(Qur'an, 3:37) Through
Maryam's
response
to
her
uncle
(Prophet
Zachariyah), we see a confident and wise woman, with a deep
trust in God. This tawakkul (trust and reliance upon God) is what distinguishes those who reach the greatest caliber of righteousness. Their trust in God is fuelled by their belief in Him, and in turn, the
strength of their belief only increases their reliance upon Him.
When Maryam was given the glad tidings of a righteous son,
she was a virgin, and had never been touched by a man unrelated to her. She eventually gave birth to Prophet Isa (peace be upon him) all alone in the valley of Bethlehem, and lived her life devoted to raising him. We are told (as aforementioned) in the hadith of the Prophet
that Maryam (peace be upon her) reached the pinnacle of excellence in her faith. This should be enough for us to see that success can be
achieved through many different avenues - and not just through
marriage. That as women we may indeed be single, divorced or even
widowed, and can still attain the Supreme Success. Maryam shows to us that devotion to God can come through serving Him in different ways - whether it is through the way we raise our children, or through striving to preserve our modesty in a hyper-sexualized society full of
immorality, as did the righteous Mother of Christ. We are now living in a time where sexual depravity is at an all-time high. Where immodesty is the norm, and the hijab has
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become abhorred and seen as an obstruction to freedom. My sisters, I am telling you this because it is so easy for us to remove our hijabs and live a life where our identity as Muslims goes unrecognized. This assimilation might make it easier for us to get the job we have always wanted. It may allow us to go about our daily lives without being looked at as strange, or without being oppressed because of our modest garments. But it will never bring to us success - not in this life, nor in the hereafter. Please do not fall into the trap of Shaytaan (Satan), as his promise is false, and the hijab does not hold us back from anything. In fact, it guides us to the truth and it will always bring us to that which is best for our souls - and that is the Supreme Success. Success will only come through that which is pleasing to Allah; a success that involves doing an action displeasing to Him will bring you to a road full of distress and failure.
The Housewife Many women have told me that they do not know what to do with their husbands - and then they mention an innumerable list of flaws in his character. Whilst in many cases they do raise some legitimate deficits in their husbands, I believe that they sometimes lose sight of their own power within the relationship. The western narrative has fed us the belief that a 'house wife' is devoid of any power, as she is confined to just the home. This narrative tells us that the powerful woman is the one who is self-sufficient and is not in need of being loved. The reality is that all humans have a deep need to be appreciated. This vulnerability is one that can easily be abused. But, if it is correctly and sincerely nurtured, then no force can compromise that bond, if Allah wills; the strength of this relationship will drive success into all quarters of your life. It is important that the role of a housewife or stay-at-home mom is not one that we look down on. Just as the woman who chooses to build her career, the woman who chooses to stay at home should
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be celebrated. Indeed her task is a great challenge because it takes significant zeal and strength to dedicate one's life to stabilizing the home. This woman - if she fulfills her role with diligence, is a great source of tranquility and strength, as she fortifies her household by being actively involved in the care-taking of her husband and her children (and in some cases, her extended family members too).
It is however of utmost importance that ALL women have a Passionate Purpose. Whether that is fulfilled through her family, or through a vocation she chooses to pursue, This purpose will be a driving force and a tool through which one may utilize their talent as an offering to the world, and it must not be neglected!
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ACTION EXERCISE
1.
Consider your current relationship status: Are you married? Divorced? Single and looking for a suitable spouse? Now ask yourself how that relationship (or absence of such a relationship) can enable your Passionate Purpose?
2.
If you are married, ask yourself what ways you can improve your relationship with your spouse?
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8
Raise Torchbearers Ifyour plan is for one year, plant rice. Ifyour plan is for 10 years, plant trees. Ifyour plan is for 100 years, educate children.
— Confucius The popular children's playground rhyme goes: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a golden carriage. This is a perfect example of how from an early age, we are taught that having children is the natural and expected role for us to assume as wives.
Many individuals seek to marry for this very reason - to have children and to build a family together with their spouse. Other couples however, elect not to have children, or are maybe unable to conceive - for which they should not be shamed or made to feel like they are any less of a good wife, or a woman; some of the greatest women that ever lived did not have children, therefore it is by no means the only criteria through which we can attain success. However, this chapter will focus on those who have children or seek to have children in the future (whenever Allah wills); we 97
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will discuss how offspring can indeed become a golden ticket to our success, in both worlds.
What is the role of the Mother? Becoming a mother is perhaps one of the greatest joys that a woman can everexperience. But itcomes with a hefty amountof responsibility attached to it.
In order for us to understand how true success can be achieved through motherhood, we must first understand what we can offer as mothers. Ultimately, our goal should be to raise children who will grow up to become worthy successors; a next generation that is spiritually and emotionally equipped to contribute greatly to society, in the hopes of an excellent hereafter; a generation of torchbearers of Islam. Thus, the question of how we raise our children becomes a very necessary discussion to be had. It is much more important than the number of children we have - it is essential that we understand this since many people believe their social status is relative to the number of children they have. Clearly, a very flawed understanding of true success, since quality has throughout history, been proven to be more valuable than quantity. Allah does away with this false conception of success when He said:
"And let not their wealth and their children impress you." (Qur'an, 9:85)
As mothers, we are often told to teach our children their ABC's, to potty-train them, and to sing songs with them- just to name a few. But, our role as Muslim women should stretch beyond just teaching on this level; we have the added duty to ensure that we instill love for Allah in their hearts. This love begins with the language that we use. This means that when we teach our children to pray, or to read Qur'an, or to engage in any other virtuous beloved act, that we do so with positive
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reinforcement. Many a time, I have seen Qur’an teachers hold a stick next to them to instill fear into those disobedient students who would talk during the Qur’an class.
I cannot emphasize enough how crucial it is that we encourage our children through celebrating and encouraging their religious achievements, versus punishing them if they do not reach their goals. This will certainly have a backlash once the child grows up to become an adult. This child can suffer from innumerable complexes, but the most common result of this type of teaching method is they will grow up to become resentful of the religion - simply because of how it was taught to them. The Prophet said: "The best amongstyou are those who have the best manners and character."
[Bukhari]
Therefore, we must always remember that our mannerism, and our method of delivering the message, is just as important as the message itself. The seriousness of this issue is that if we do not pay attention to the needs of children - spiritually, physically and psychologically, then we are indeed on a destructive path to failure as a collective society. To enforce religion on our children through negative reinforcement (and without explaining the reasoning behind certain practices) can damage their outlook on religion for a long time. We must be delicate, refined, and deliberate in our method. This means that the decisions we make with regards to our children must take into consideration the long-term.
Why Should We Care About Motherhood? I was mandated to write about this subject in particular because of the many notions that Western society covertly places on the modern woman (both Muslim and non-Muslim). 99
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It would seem that success through the eyes of societal expectation empowers the woman who chooses to build her career, and inversely disempowers the woman who chooses to be what is referred to as a 'stay-at-home mom’. I must add here that the two aforementioned categories are not the only two roles that women can assume - and that the scale is actually very expansive, and much more complex and manifold than what can be covered in this book. As we discussed above, when a woman reaches a certain point in her life, and chooses to enter into marriage (or not, by all means), she may then elect to enter into motherhood. Throughout the whole process, she is surrounded by expectations, judgments and impositions. She is fed this doctrine of success being synonymous to her own financial freedom (to be non-reliant on her husband), and to being able to pursue her own career without the strings of motherhood or wifehood affecting her decisions. However, the three identities of mother, working-mom, and wife are not so easy to separate. But if they are indeed separated, see it as something comparable to a thorn that is pulled from cotton there will be shards that fly around. That is to say that there will be collateral, and in most cases, this collateral affects the very children we should be doing our utmost to protect.
Why am I talking about this? Because I see this disease creeping into Muslim communities: Muslim women are told to make of themselves a career - even if it is at the expense of their children. The illusion however, is that most of these women do not believe that it will impact their children - that they are too young to understand that they are in day-care, and away from both parental figures, for example. The truth is that it impacts them in more severe and latent ways than what one could ever imagine.
Some Personal Reflections On a recent trip back to the U.K, I visited many family members and extended family friends; it was the first time being back since 100
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becoming a mother, and so I found myself being subject to a different
kind of examination to my previous visits. It was a bizarre experience for me, I must say. I was asked questions around whether I was working, or if I have my son in day
care, just to mention a few. I told them I am taking care of my baby fulltime, to which they responded by talking about their own relatives and how their granddaughters have three children, and work part-
time, whilst the grandparents watch the children. What amazed me is that these people took great pride in their women working and
leaving the children to their parents or to a daycare; they look upon it as highly favorable - and almost honorably. I could not wrap my head around how this was believed to be the most dignified path to pursue. Let me add here, that circumstance may have it that some
mothers are driven by necessity to work whilst having young
children (because they are single or widowed for example). In this case their perseverance and devotion should be applauded. However
the women who I had been speaking to were ones who wanted to establish a career even though their husbands were upholding the
household financially; these women believed their success lay in the
world of working, even if it involved deferring the responsibility of
their young children to others. Needless to say, the children that grow up with absent
mothers suffer from innumerable complexes, and imbalances. The result of this is that the future mothers will continue the same cycle,
leading to the same consequences generation after generation. It goes without saying that we as humans will never be
perfect, and similarly we will never get parenting one hundred percent right. However, I would implore all mothers who do not have
a necessity to work full-time, to spend that time with their young (pre-school) children. Relish every moment, and do not see it as an obstacle to career success, but as a source of joy and a more lasting
success. It can be very difficult at times, but in the end it will all be
worth it. 101
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That being said, this is very difficult to do when the people
around you perceive the role of a stay-at-home mom as inferior. But we must always remember that success is not defined by the ever changing standards and expectations of society, rather it is defined
by the standards that Allah sets for us. Therefore, if we choose to enter into the beautiful and rewarding world of motherhood, we must understand the hefty responsibility that comes along with it.
Something that most of us to do not consider, is that how
we treat (or neglect to treat) our children when they are young, will return to us in our old age. This cycle should not surprise you - it is a form of perfect justice. Thus, to secure our future - both in this world, and in the hereafter, we must take care of the favors (as well as
responsibilities) that we are endowed with.
Achieving Success Through our Children As with all success, ultimately it is for whom Allah wills - but, we
must do our fair share of the work. This means we must embrace the
things that we have control over, whilst also accepting that there are other variables that are outside of our sphere of influence.
We have no guarantee that our children will contribute to our success or to our failure in the worldly life. It may be that our child grows up to become a doctor or a lawyer - or they may grow up
to work in some more humble profession, with a much lower income. Should this be the determinant of their (and our own) level of success?
Certainly not. Rather, the child that will contribute and elevate their
parents to a successful status in both worlds is the righteous child.
Whilst we cannot make a person become ‘righteous’ so to speak, we can however, do our best to instill the correct values and beliefs in
them so that they have a firm foundation for which they can use as a springboard for the rest of their lives.
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parents, and will honor and assist them; they will be a source of ease, and will bring coolness to the eyes. Such a child will be a reflection of the values that you instill in them from an early age; this is because we will reap what we sow - as the famous saying goes.
Everything that we invest in our children will return back to us in a good or a bad form (depending on what we did for them). This means that all the time that we spend teaching them, and all the money we invest in their education and development (in both spiritual and secular fields) will stand in our favor in later life, and also in the hereafter, if Allah wills. However, if we focus so much on investing in a child's secular education at the expense of religious knowledge and teachings, then we will surely pay a hefty price for it. The child who is taught how to use their Islam, will serve humanity well through the support of their religious understanding. Please do not mistake this to mean that every child should be trained to become a scholar of Islam. Rather, it means that we should regard Islam as being the greatest pillar of importance in the lives of our children. Through doing things such as teaching our children about who Allah is, and about the life and traditions of our Prophet we will nurture them and do them justice. In fact, this is a right that our children have over us, so we must be diligent in fulfilling this responsibility.
If however, we only encourage our children to do well in school so that they can get into a great University to become the doctor you always dreamt of - at the expense of understanding their religion, then do not expect for them to contribute to your success in the hereafter. It may be that in the future Allah chooses to guide them despite the negligence of their parents - indeed Allah is the Most Wise. But, as parents we should still do our part.
Perhaps the most beautiful example of the importance of raising our children correctly is when the Prophet told us:
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"Whoever reads the Qur'aan and learns it and acts upon it will
be given a crown of light to wear on the Day of Resurrection, the light of which is like the light of the sun, and his parents will be
clothed with two suits the equivalent of which is not to be found in this world, and they will say: 'Why have we been clothed with
this?'And it will be said: 'Becauseyour son learned the Qur'an.'"
[Al-Haakim/ What can the worldly life offer us in comparison to the
reward that Allah has prepared for us in the hereafter? When a child graduates with honors from the most prestigious of universities,
the parents will often celebrate vicariously through the joy of their
child’s accomplishment. However, the honor in the hereafter is that the reward is given directly to the parents themselves.
With all of this being said, we cannot expect to be perfect parents - we can only strive to the best of our ability. We must always
remember that the best gifts that we can give to our children, are the ones that will ensure them happiness in this world and the hereafter,
and that is through striving to keep them close and connected to Islam. No matter what challenges they face in later life, they will
always be able to come out on top if they have this foundation. If we
can succeed in teaching them this, we can rest assured that we have sown the seeds for our own success, insha'Allah.
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ACTION EXERCISE: 1.
If you are a mother, ask yourself: What do I want my child to be like (in terms of character, religious values, mannerisms) when they grow up?
2.
Now consider the ways in which you can go about instilling the values needed for this expectation to become a reality. (List at least 5)
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9 Give And You Shall Receive When you change someone else's life, you change yours, too.
— Tony Robbins As we tread the path towards success, it is easy to assume that the process largely relies on how much we can acquire and accumulate along the way; this could be financially, or even through opportunities and skills that we can use to our advantage. However, in this chapter, I will discuss the reverse principle: this is the idea that what you give is much more significant that what you receive. This is what will bring you closer to success.
This may sound counterintuitive since simple mathematics tells us that if you give away a thing, the final product will be less than what you began with. That is to say the more you give, logically speaking, the less you will have left. On the other hand, Allah tells us 107
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that that the more that you give for His sake, the more that you will
get back in return (both in the worldly life and in the spiritual life): "Who is it that would loan Allah a goodly loan so He may multiply
it for him many times over? And it is Allah who withholds and grants abundance, and to Him you will be returned."
(Qur'an, 2:245)
If we truly understand Allah’s words, we should strive to give for His sake, knowing that it will not decrease us in the least - and
that is Allah’s promise to us. Only those with strong conviction in their faith will be able to put this divine guidance into practice.
Some Personal Reflections From My Time in Egypt Some years back, I had the pleasure of visiting Egypt with my father and brother for a 10-day vacation. We stayed in one of the top tourist
destinations in Cairo called Giza, where our hotel overlooked the
magical pyramids. Our splendid experience at the mystical attractions
around the city however, quickly came to an abrupt end. The magazines and movies always present this glamorized
image of an enchanting and glorious Egypt. However, this utopian idea I had in mind, was quickly shattered the moment we stepped out
into the dust-ridden streets. I was shocked to see the neighborhoods were laden with poverty and less than adequate living conditions. As for the beauties within Egypt, there were many - but in the most unexpected places.
Anyone who has previously visited or lived in a Muslim
country will know that when the time for prayer comes in, the
different mosques announce the athaan (the Islamic call to prayer).
This was my first ever time being in a Muslim country, and so I was mesmerized by this doppelganger of praise that melodically flooded
the streets and captivated the souls with a hypnotic-like force 108
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calling the people to prayer. One evening, as the sun was setting, the mosques began calling the athaan as usual. From our hotel room we could hear all of the local calls to prayer, but one in particular was magnetizing. The voice of the mu'athin (the one who announces the call to prayer) was spectacular - so my father, brother and I decided to follow the sound, which led us through a maze of back streets.
Along the way, we saw young barefoot children kicking around a worn out soccer ball that was ripping at the seams- it was the kind of picture you would imagine seeing in a rags-to-riches story of some great soccer player who came from very humble beginnings. As we continued to follow the call, we eventually arrived at a small mosque, which stood in the middle of a cul-de-sac of tall staggered and ashy-colored apartment buildings. We were immediately recognized as foreigners, but instead of being harassed (as we were almost everywhere else in Cairo), we were greeted with smiles and kisses as we entered the vicinity of the masjid. It was as if we were family who had returned home from a long distance trip. The hospitality and warmth of these people could be felt in the softness of their smiles, and the tranquility that sat in the air with a calmness I will never forget - that I long to return to.
The mosque was washed with hues of red and beige - inviting the eyes to look beyond the dusty streets into the embrace of this small hidden jewel, glistening and glinting in the dusk.
The prayer proceeded. The Imam (one who leads the prayer) began reciting. His name was Mohammed, and he was only nineteen years old. His youthful voice filled every crack and crevice of the mosque with a sense of deep wisdom imbedded in it; he was reciting words of revelation, in a tongue full of submission and love. The elevation and pitch of his voice mesmerized all the ears that the sound was carried to. His tongue was rich and raw with the softness of his dialect that revealed itself when he would occasionally switch the 'da' sound with a ‘za'. Mohammed’s hypnotic voice carried us through the 109
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prayer as if we were in a different world for those few moments. This
is how the Qur'aan is supposed to be recited, I remember thinking to myself. After the prayer had concluded, little girls surrounded me
and called me ‘beautiful’ in Arabic - they were amazed by what I had
assumed were simple clothes, and my day-to-day hijab. I remember that they just wanted to hold my hand, and show me around the
different stores in the local street market. After a few hours, I had to leave them to return to the hotel. Before I left them, the youngest of the three asked me to wait a moment; she ran into her apartment
building, and a few minutes later reappeared with a small metal
ornament. It was a souvenir of the Sphinx, and she told me to keep it. This simple act of generosity has stayed with me for many years. I often reflect on the humble nature of the people we met at this mosque. During our stay in Cairo, we had visited three of the
major mosques in the city; their beauty was astounding, but their generosity never met the standards of the local jewel we found in the
backstreets of Giza. Upon returning to the UK (where I resided at the time), I understood better that the greatest generosity is shown by those
that often have very little to give. IV/jy? I am not sure if I am qualified
in answering this question, but something I do believe is that the more that we are given of worldly belongings, the more that our soul
becomes attached to it - and in turn, the less likely we are to part with
such things. However, the more that we value the hereafter, the easier
it is for the soul to detach itself from materialistic things. Therefore, the act of giving is liberating - emancipating. To give from what we love is a very difficult thing - but it is an act that brings us closer to our Creator. We are actually told that when we give
from that which we love, then we will truly believe: "By no means shall you attain righteousness until you spend
(benevolently) out of what you love. And whatever you spend indeed, Allah is Knowing of it."
(Qur'an, 3:92) 110
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My experience in Egypt taught me many things that I hope I have done justice to, in sharing with you. It unveiled my eyes to understanding my privilege in context of the world that we live in. It helped me to understand that generosity and good character are more difficult to show when we are so consumed by materialism. That indeed, kindness and sincerity is felt most when we are with those who usually have the least to offer us in terms of worldly things.
Egypt was humbling, and beautiful. I realized how abhorrent privilege and wealth were when seeing how the underclass was living. I realized how peaceful it is to have less, and to give more. I realized the beauty of a people who found peace in the things that brought them closer to their Creator, and the tranquility that they found in doing so could not be denied when hearing the beautiful sound of Mohammed, their Imam's voice.
Greed The tentacles of capitalism have truly found their way into our lives, as we so often fall into the survival-of-the-fittest state of mind; this mentality entangles our hands, compromising our ability to give. Our primitive brain tells us that we must look after number one - sometimes at the expense of all others. This action of restricting the resources we have just for ourselves is the perfect manifestation of the core ideals in today's world.
Sometimes we lose sight of the kind of struggles that others may be facing, because we are so blinded by our own privilege. That being said, not all those who withhold are privileged, but it is usually those who are privileged that so often make the choice to withhold giving from what they have. Take the world that we live in, for example: we are an earth full of rich resources, but the distribution of them is controlled by a small wealthy elite; they selfishly hoard these natural treasures, and restrict the equal dissemination of them because greed has overcome them.
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The Greatest Show of Gratitude is To Give Back You may be wondering why privilege is relevant to discussion of
gratitude. The two are intrinsically related because if you are holding
this book in your hand - YOU are privileged. Privilege is so often mistakenly identified as something that belongs to the one who comes
from a high social class, a wealthier household, or even someone with a fairer complexion. Whilst these factors stand true in that those who
do not possess the above, are usually the disenfranchised class, the reality is that when we leave our homes without worrying about a
bomb being dropped on us, then we are indeed privileged. If we wake up in the morning, and have something to eat for the day - we are
privileged. The Prophet
said:
"Whoever among you wakes up secure in his property, healthy in his body, and he has his food for the day, it is as if he were given the entire world."
[Tirmidhi] And as with all great blessings, there comes a great accountability. This begs the question: What is the responsibility that
comes along with privilege? It is gratitude. Please note that gratitude begins as an internal characteristic;
it must first inhabit the heart. Once it has permeated through the heart, it will inevitably manifest itself on the tongue and on the limbs. How? One might ask. To physically enact generosity can present itself in many different forms, but the foundation is rooted in the act of giving back altruistically. This means that we must help others
without selfish motivation, nor should we seek anything in return
for it. This could be anything from giving graciously to your children, your husband, or your neighbors. Or it could appear as an act of giving
to those beyond your inner circle - to strangers, who may be in need: sponsoring an orphan, or donating your money or time to feeding the homeless etc. As you can see, the list is truly endless. This means that there is an abundance of good waiting to be done, and an abundance
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of kindness and giving that the world is ready to receive. It is important to also note that acts of generosity are not always limited to a financial currency, but it transcends the material. An example of this is time. To be generous with one’s time is actually a rarity in this day in age where most of us are scrambling for enough hours in the day to simply get our set tasks completed.
Therefore, to have someone listen attentively to us, for example, becomes golden. So please do not be disheartened if you have little to give in the way of wealth, because giving comes in many forms. To conclude, giving will never diminish from your wealth, or from any other resource that you are donating from. If we choose to give by serving others, undoubtedly it will return to us. Therefore, the one who seeks success in both worlds must be ready to part with their most prized possessions. Are you ready to part with that which you love?
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ACTION EXERCISE 1.
List three things that others have given to you out of their generosity. How did it make you feel?
2.
Now list three things thatyou have the ability to give to someone?
3.
For each thing that you mentioned in exercise 2: designate a time in your schedule for the process of'giving' it.
After being generous with such a thing, you willfind an immense amount of happiness and joy - and as time goes on you will find that such acts of
generosity will come back to you.
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10
Be Unyielding & Relentless Say, "I believe in Allah and then stand firm and steadfast thereafter". — Prophet Muhammad
To be steadfast is perhaps the hardest of all undertakings. It is very easy to make grandiose acts of progress when the sudden moment of inspiration hits us. However, the true challenge is to remain consistent and persistent in turbulent times. Sure enough, this is where success lies.
True success comes from trudging through the difficult and the dreary - through envisioning the end goal, and being relentless in maintaining the consistent small actions that will accumulate to produce lasting results. Many textbooks and psychologists often refer to this trait of steadfastness - but under a different name. They translate 115
The Muslim Woman's Manifesto steadfastness to ‘grit’ or ‘willpower’ - all of which are correct, to some degree. However, the act of steadfastness is very unique in this context. This is because it is specifically connected to a type of reliance involving religious, as well as worldly affairs. In fact, the Qur'an makes several references to the virtue of this particular characteristic; I have included just a few examples below:
"Seek Allah's help through patience and prayer, and most surely it is a hard thing, except for the humble ones." (Qur'an, 2:45)
"Oyou who believe! Seek help through patience and prayer; surely Allah is with those who patiently persevere." (Qur'an, 2:153)
"And We will most certainly try you with somewhat offear and hunger and loss of property and lives and fruits; and give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere."
(Qur'an, 2:155) "When they advanced to meet Goliath and his forces, they prayed: "Our Lord! Pour down upon us patience, and make our steps firm: Help us against those that reject faith" (Qur'an, 2:250)
"Oyou who believe! Persevere in patience and remain steadfast, and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, that you may be successful." (Qur'an, 3:200)
As we see, there is a special reward for those who patiently persevere in being steadfast in doing good deeds. This type of patience is linked to being strong and unwavering in our particular course of 116
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action. Remaining firm in something that you are ultimately seeking Allah's pleasure in, will always be challenging since the human temperament is so prone to fluctuating emotionally, spiritually, physically etc. Therefore, it takes a great deal of patience to remain strong in what we believe in.
Have A Beautiful Patience Patience is the thing that beautifies steadfastness. Without it, steadfastness easily becomes an ugly and difficult thing to bear. The idea behind patience is that it gives us a greater incentive for our striving as Muslims. This is because the risk-reward is far more significant than if we were to persevere for just some materialistic benefit alone. As Muslims we understand that an eternal reward, for a temporary patience is far more worthy of our striving. An excellent example of a steadfastness that is tethered to patience is in the story of Prophet Musa (peace be upon him). The story begins by describing the patience and resolve of the mother of Musa in preserving the secret that he was her son. She received divine revelation from God, and was commanded to place baby Musa in a tabut (a chest), and to release it into the waters of the Nile. Allah says: "When we revealed to your mother what was revealed; saying, 'Putyour child into the chest, then cast it down into the river. Let the river wash him onto its bank, and he will be taken in by an enemy to Me, and an enemy to him.'" (Qur'an, 20:38-39)
Any mother can imagine how heart-wrenching it must have been to leave her infant child to the unpredictable fate of a river - this takes an extraordinary amount of trust in Allah. The Qur'an actually says that she was so close to revealing the secret:
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The Muslim Womans Manifesto
"The next day, Musa's mother felt a void in her heart - if We had not strengthened it to make her one of those who believe, she would have revealed everything about him." (Qur'an, 28:10)
However, Allah strengthened her heart to make her of those who believed; this endurance allowed her to persevere with strength and resolve in what Allah commanded her to do - she remained steadfast. In a similar way, we must understand that the power to remain consistent in an act that is beloved to Allah requires that we constantly revisit our intention behind it. This reassessment of our intent and strengthening of our resolve will make us more determined and focused; it is driven by our trust in Allah, and in our ability to remain patient thereafter.
Strive to Attain Perfection This principle of being ardent in the small but consistent tasks is indeed a concept that is very familiar to Islam; the Prophet said: "The most beloved religious deeds to Allah, are those performed regularly." [Bukhari]
The true test of steadfastness lies in how consistently it is performed. Once an individual has mastered the small things done with consistency, the bigger things become more attainable. This involves an astonishingamountofdiscipline- therefore steadfastness is not a thing for the faint of heart. To take it a step further, if we seek to achieve mastery in an art - be it a skill, or a habit of some sort, then it is not enough to practice consistently. We must practice it to a level of excellence. This diligence and attention to detail is a distinguishing trait, separating
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the mediocre from the extraordinary.
The glory of achievement is only in accordance to the level of perfection that it is performed with. Therefore, the more refined you are in your habits, or craft for example - the better you will become over time. Indeed, the enemy of failure is the consistent habit done with excellence.
My Good Friend Riko When 1 was in high school, one of my closest friends was an international Japanese student called Riko. Riko moved to the UK with her family for a year, whilst her father studied at the University, and we became very good friends. Whilst she could not speak English very well, our communication was much deeper than just verbal conversation.
1 remember how she demonstrated so much poise and perfection in everything she did - I had never seen anything quite like it. This included everything from her handwriting, to the way that she would speak. I found this etiquette beautiful and admirable, because it showed to me that there is a way of taking pride in all that we do - even if it is something so miniscule or seemingly mundane as our posture, or our handwriting.
I mention my friend Riko because of the important lessons I learned in intentional and minimalistic living, simply through observing her. This mastery of the small and often overlooked habits, if done with consistency can lead to powerful results - somewhat comparable to the butterfly effect.
Interestingly, the butterfly effect stems from a Japanese concept that suggests a small change can lead to much greater subsequent changes. This concept originated from the analogy of a butterfly who flaps its wings in one part of the world. The small wind that is formed as a result of the butterfly's wing leads to progressively larger and larger waves - eventually causing a tsunami in another 119
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part of the world.
Therefore, we must not underestimate the power of a small action done well; we must not deem ourselves to be insignificant in this enormous world. We are here on this earth for a very specific amount of time, and we must ensure that every moment here is intentional. We must understand that all of our actions - no matter how small, will have some immediate, or some latent consequence. So, if we seek success in this world, we must work on the things within our capacity - doing them with as much perfection as we possibly can. This means that anything that we elect to take on, be it a career that we choose to pursue, or a marriage we choose to enter into - we must take pride in the manner in which we do it.
Needless to say, steadfastness is a skill, and just as all skills, it takes time and discipline to master. However, as humans we are programmed to make mistakes. There will be moments where we will be much less than perfect, and we have to accept that. Failure to be at peace with this will lead to anxiety and a whole host of other issues within us. So whilst we strive for perfection, we must always remember that only Allah is The Most Perfect. In understanding this, we will find peace and beauty in the human struggle, of being perfectly imperfect.
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ACTION EXERCISE
1.
Name a task that you do every day (for example, wudhu (abulution)).
2.
Now consider what perfection and perseverance in that task would look like? (Would you make sure that you are not wasting/ spilling water all over the bathroom sink and floor? Etc.)
This is a simple example of acting with excellence and consistency - now you must apply this to the grander things in your life. But you must remember, striving for perfection and steadfastness always begins in the smaller and overlooked aspects of our lives first. Rarely will you find an individual that acts with consistency and perfection in the great and hefty tasks, except that he or she has mastered it in the smaller and mundane thingsfirst.
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Afterword As we reach the closing of this book, let it be the opening of a new chapter in your life. The purpose behind this manifesto is for you to learn, then to implement the changes you wish to make. The secret to doing this successfully is to incorporate small but consistent habits into your lifestyle, until they inevitably become your default methodology. The seamless and conscious incorporation of these practices into your daily tasks will ensure prosperous results both in the short-term, and most certainly in the long-term, insha'Allah. Throughout the process of writing this book, I had to return to some of the previously completed chapters, and re-write them in their entirety. This was because I found that after every chapter I had written, I was in some way tested in the very things I had spoken about. These personal tests and trials helped me to understand and reflect on the steps to success in a more personal way. Because of this, many ideas that I had initially written about then became more crystallized and resolute, whilst others had changed completely. I ask that you take this awareness with you into your own life; I hope that you too will experience things that will take you on a transformational journey in whatever path you choose to pursue. And on your journey, please remember that confusion and crossroads are moments of transformation and breakthrough, and not moments of failure or stagnation, as society would have you believe. Please remember that any pain you experience in your life serves a purpose; 123
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pain is only a preparation for something greater. Undoubtedly, we will all experience trials and tests in life. This is the nature of the worldly life. Embrace them, then learn and reflect on them. This spiritual and intellectual ambition will assist you in the decisions you must make in life. Use your brain, but more importantly, use your heart. If you do this, you will always succeed, insha’Allah.
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I
Poetry
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Women Of Excellence
I am not from 'Disney-fied' Princess Yasmins. I am from dignified Queens from lands in the East, where the sun’s heat labored to make diamonds from a sand that was purified by toil, and struggle. I am not from an era where beauty is learnt through YouTube tutorials and Instagram ‘deets’; I belong to a lineage of warrior women who fought on front lines and cared less for winged lines - like Umm Ammarah who took twelve wounds to protect the Rasoo\, peace be upon him,
and he said to her: " IV/70 is as strong as you Umm Ammarah?!"
I learn beauty tips from an Egyptian Queen
who died being tortured 126
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in African heat. Who was stoned, and whose skin was charred and singed by a searing sun that had no option but to rise that day. See her soul longed for something greater than a mortal Pharaoh. She was a Queen. Subservient only to the King of Kings, and her last words shall forever sit on the throne of my mind, so that I am reminded for what cause she died for when she said, in the midst of her martyrdom:
"My Lord, build for me, with You, a home in Paradise"
And soon after, she began to smile, whilst being tortured, because her home was being shown to her. So forget about fluffy eyebrows, 127
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Egyptian winged-liners
and contoured noses, because her memory teaches me how to get my brain 'on fleek'. We, women, - whom ignorance deems to be weak See, through eyes that are bold, but sweet.
Feel, through hearts that are robust, but meek.
And we believe in a Lord who is Irresistible Who is Manifest, and who is Hidden. We,
women,
followers of a religion that teaches us to be confident - but humbly.
Teaches us that neither widow nor divorcee
should be made taboo, demonstrated through the orphaned final seal
whose first love
was a widow with children: Khadijah Bint Khuwaylid.
And might I mention, that she was also a
very successful businesswoman. 128
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And we, are in no need of modern constructs that demonstrate how a wife
should love her husband when we have in Khadijah an exemplary woman of excellence. In whose home Gabriel entered
and gave 'Peace' from her Lord. I have a teacher, whose wisdom and belief
were like a tree, firmly established in its roots, and whose legacy lives on for me to nourish myself
from its fruits. I come from excellence. A message nurtured in loving mothers who raised Prophets and nations. And they never once felt worthless
in the liberation of motherhood. No boy-cut jeans, or fight to enter a 'man’s world'.
These women knew that women rule. And that man
is only a product
of a woman's strength. It took him nine months
to gain vigor from her
and even then he came into the world
crying. 129
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Except Jesus.
Son of Maryam, Isa, slave of God.
When the pangs of childbirth drove her to underneath a date tree, in the valley of Bethlehem. And she was told: Grieve not, as your Lord
has provided water and dates.
Peace be upon him, on the day that he was born, the day that he will die, and the day that he shall be raised alive. I come from nobility. Found in the archaic early slaves of Israel. From the Immaculate Conception to the betrayal of possibly a disciple, and all the while, faith in God guided. And she: the epitome of righteousness, how virtuous was she? Who was Chosen to carry a mighty messenger so please, Mr. Media: Don't give me Kardashian standards, when the Mother of Christ showed me liberation through veiling. 130
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Real women of prowess are those that do not yield to being objectified and hyper-sexualized commodities. No, they are glowing and dazzling beacons who left the womb in weakness and who grew in strength. Demonstrating that beauty is not in the eye of CBS, but that beauty is indeed in the deed, done with pure intent. That my soul’s satisfaction is in accordance to my attraction to divine scripture and in worship to the One and nothing but He. See as women, we are told that our beauty is in feminine mystique. But what if I told you, that to be feminine requires a secret power: It requires strength to preserve physical beauty in a world where even the believing man has an affinity towards that which is outwardly appealing. But, we still maintain what is called 'justice to our souls’ 131
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by perfecting our relationship with Our Lord, who is Al-Wadood - Most Loving.
See, the eyes of man shall constantly rove, if his heart is covetous but we women, have some control over where that invasive glare rests. Imagine, it had the power to slap the lewd face before it had the chance to unlace and untie any dignity we had as the human race.
Through chiseled cheekbones, and feline faces. Through the incisor’s knife, and cat-shaped eyes, the 'corrected' woman strives. But a lioness is only so because of spirit not because of what
sexual desires she elicits.
So for all those that
have gone 'under', let me introduce you to the mother of martyrs: 132
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Sumayyah. Former slave, who when asked to betray her Lord, Rejected. And consequently felt the piercing sword straight through her womb, and here we are in this battle against vanity, when my righteous predecessors were too busy defending their right for Life.
My religion posits, and deposits the investment of previous madams equal children of Adam, because in our religion Eve was forgiven too. And this earth is not toil - it is testing,
and suffering was not God’s punishment on earth for women. No, in God's eyes we are equal -
not man’s sequel.
And all thanks to my Creator for giving me Fatima and A’ishah peace be upon them both, for demonstrating scholarship of women upon this Earth -
examples of a true woman's worth.
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I, Woman.
More than any mammal have the capacity to trace a civilization that could not
care less for extravagance. It does not require cosmetic alterations
to make it complete. No. The completion of my deen
occurred 1400 years ago: "Ilyawma okmaltu lakum, Deenakum, wa atmamtu alaykum ni'mati wa radeetu lakumul islaama deena”
"This day I have perfected foryou your religion and completed My favor
upon you and have approved for you Islam as religion." (Quran, 5:3) And it does not require large lips,
small waists and wide hips to shake a male world for recognition. No. It speaks to the soul. It speaks to the enterprise
that treks stars and splits moons. It is crescent, and it is pleasant
in its smell, and in its aura, because it is belief that shall cause
the animal to ascend to angelic levels.
And it cannot be denied through the cliche of
'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'.
No. It is a unanimous truth, And it is that He - whose vision encompasses all,
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but that none encompass Him. It is that He is irresistible,
and we, women, choose to submit
to none - but Him.
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About the Author Kashmir Maryam is a Spoken Word Poet, a faith-driven Consultant, and the founder of Woke Woman - an organization that empowers modern Muslim women to connect to their soul purpose. She is a 3rd
generation British-Kashmiri Muslim - born and raised in the city of
Leeds (UK), now residing in Philadelphia. In 2016, Kashmir went on to publish her debut collection of poetry in her book Nafsi: Jihad upon my Self which tackles some of the greatest
misconceptions about Islam through poetry and prose. Kashmir is also featured in the movie We Are Poets, which captures her journey
all the way from the red brick inner-city streets of England, to performing in front of the White House at 'Brave New Voices' - the world's most prestigious poetry slam competition.
Since then, Kashmir continues to deliver inspiring speeches, as well as performing her poetry to diverse audiences around the US. Through her public speaking, and private coaching and consulting sessions, she encourages the need for self-development through spiritual
cognizance and positive Islamic psychology.
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What are some clues that might suggest a person is jealous ofyou? There are usually a few traits to be watchful of: This kind of person tends to belittle you through passive aggressive comments. Their dubious statements are often confusing because of the disconnect between their words and their actions. Another trait to be watchful over, is a person who is constantly trying to compete with you. Some types of competition can be normal and quite healthy, but for a person who is jealous, there is a perpetual need to try and be better than you in order for them to feel validated.
I have personally experienced my fair share of people who have exhibited the above traits. Interestingly enough, after a while, they can no longer persist in the charade of friendship. That is to say, they eventually ‘out’ themselves. In some cases, they will be the ones to callously block you out of their life because their jealousy has reached its threshold. As with all treachery, it is only a matter of time until the truth reveals itself. In my own personal life, I learned to spot this trait the hard way: It was a few days after my Katb Al Kitab (the Islamic wedding) when one of my University Professors asked to see the pictures. When I showed him, he said: "Wow, you guys will have cute kids!" My friend (at the time) interjected and said: "What about my fiance?" and showed a picture of her boyfriend at the time. The Professor responded: "Yes, he's ok". My ‘friend’ was distraught for the rest of the day. I remember that she was very angry that the Professor had said such a thing, and that she knows her fiance is very attractive.
This example is only one of many that I experienced with this individual, and it took me a long time to see the signs. However, it also taught me some valuable lessons that I implement in my life today: My ‘friend’ was extremely competitive in an unhealthy way, because she felt the need to compare her partner to my husband at a very inappropriate time. A true friend should be able to celebrate your successes, without attempting to hijack your ‘moment’. This 'look at me’ tactic is a very evident way in which this individual seeks 38
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dare-I-say, used.
Even when things appear to be going well, this individual will make the negative aspects of their life overshadow the good; this can be very emotionally taxing.
If you know someone who manifests this particular trait, please sit down and discuss the issue with them. In some cases, it may be that they are cries for help, as opposed to them being egocentric or narcissistic. However, if nothing changes, then it could be a sign that this relationship may indeed be toxic. It is thus imperative that you assess appropriate boundaries with them after this point.
5. The Deceiver "O, what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive!" — Sir Walter Scott
Simply put, this person lies very often - if not, all the time. In fact, they lie to even cover up their lies. And as with all non-truths, they will always find a way of coming to light. If you become aware of this trait in someone you are close to, please be weary. The act of perpetually lying is much deeper than just telling non-truths - it is actually significantly telling of their inner capabilities and potential of their harm. If one can utter lies so easily, then that same tongue is capable of much greater harm. Lying also is a betrayal of one's word, and thus their trust; if we cannot trust a person's word then it is very difficult to give them any other credibility. As the saying goes: a man is only as good as his word.
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