The Eradication of Schizophrenia in Western Lapland 9781783196074, 9781783191086

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THE ERADICATION OF SCHIZOPHRENIA IN WESTERN LAPLAND

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RIDICULUSMUS THE ERADICATION OF SCHIZOPHRENIA IN WESTERN LAPLAND By David Woods and Jon Haynes

OBERON BOOKS LONDON WWW.OBERONBOOKS.COM

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First published in 2014 by Oberon Books Ltd 521 Caledonian Road, London N7 9RH Tel: +44 (0) 20 7607 3637 / Fax: +44 (0) 20 7607 3629 e-mail: [email protected] www.oberonbooks.com Copyright © David Woods and Jon Haynes, 2014 David Woods and Jon Haynes are hereby identified as authors of this play in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The authors have asserted their moral rights. All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before commencement of rehearsal to the authors c/o Oberon Books Ltd. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained, and no alterations may be made in the title or the text of the play without the authors’ prior written consent. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or binding or by any means (print, electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

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A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. PB ISBN: 978-1-78319-108-6 EPUB ISBN: 978-1-78319-607-4 Printed and bound by Marston Book Services Limited, Didcot. Visit www.oberonbooks.com to read more about all our books and to buy them. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events, and you can sign up for e-newsletters so that you’re always first to hear about our new releases.

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Contents Characters Act One – Chaos Act Two – Betty Act Three – Clarity

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SCRIPT AND PERFORMANCE COLLABORATORS: John Burns, Louise Bush, Meredith Davies, Nicky Harley, Rupert Jones, James King, Ranjit Krishnamma, Brian Lipson, Persis Jade Maravala, Sally Marie, Dominic McHale, Valentina Muhr, Marnie Nash, Cindy Oswin, Patrizia Paolini, Minsun Park, Lisa Rammidge and Richard Talbot MEDICAL ADVISORY PANEL: Charlotte Burck, Neil Cole, Graham Music, Jaakko Seikkula, Ben Sessa, Suresh Sundram THANKS TO: Accessible Arts, Sydney, Tim Harrison and Helen Medland at The Basement, Joshua Boland-Burrell, Michael Carney, Marco Cher-Gibard, Laura Collier, Joanna Crowley, Gwyn Daniel, Dew, Pekka Holm, Eija-Liisa Rautiainen and staff at the Dialogic Practices conference in Hameenlinna, Rosemary Gallagher, David Garrett, Hannah Grace at Felsted School, Nicola Gunn, Samara Hersch, David M. Hough, Kate, Louis & Stan, Timo Haaraniemi and staff at Keropoudas Hospital in Tornio, Barry Laing; Matt Fenton and colleagues plus staff and students at Lancaster University, Ian Brownhill, Jodie Miller, Mirta and Jenny Porter at METAL Edge Hill; City and Hackney MIND, James Monaghan, Jaime Montford, National Theatre Studio, People Show studios, Peter Rober, Ryedale MIND drama group and the Cambridge Centre, Whitby; University of Salford: School of Arts & Media Performance Research Centre, plus Ian Cummins and colleagues in the School of Nursing, Midwifery & Social Work; Mark Salter,

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James Saunders, James Pidgeon at Shoreditch Town Hall, John Shotter, Stephen Joseph Theatre Scarborough, Hans ‘Hasse’ Stigzelius, Markku Sutela, Centre for Practice as Research in Theatre at Tampere University, Elena Timplalexi, Trinity Buoy Wharf, Persis Jade Maravala and Jorges Ramos at UEL, Warwick Arts Centre programmers, Jamie Wells and Rachel Wilson.

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Ridiculusmus team: Executive Producer: Joanna Ridout Associate Producer (productions): Clara Giraud Associate Producer (learning and engagement) Natalie Clarke Associate Technical Coordinator: Chris Marsh Hilfiker Line Producer Australia: Erin Milne Board of Directors: Paul Allain, Peter Grieg, Natalie Querol, Richard Young First performed as part of and commissioned by “Sick! Festival” Brighton March 2014 Cast: David Woods, Jon Haynes, Patrizia Paolini and Richard Talbot Design collaborators: George Tomlinson (set), Salvador Alejandro Garza Fishburn (sound), Mischa Twitchin (light) Production manager: Chris Marsh-Hilfiker

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Funded by The Wellcome Trust, and Arts Council England

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Characters RUPERT,

the younger son

RICHARD, MUM,

the eldest son

Rupert and Richard’s mother

DOCTOR,

treating Richard

DAD,

Rupert and Richard’s father

JADE,

the second wife, stepmother to Rupert and Richard

X,

A male patient in a psychiatric unit

Setting Audience members are arranged on either side of a wall. Acts one and three of the play are performed on each side of the wall simultaneously. Each audience can hear both sides but can see only one. One of the sides – the ‘domestic side’ – is set five to ten years in the past. Mum is presenting psychotic symptoms, her eldest son Richard has left for university and the younger son Rupert has become her nurse. The act on the other side, the ‘public side’, takes place in the present and features a psychiatrist treating Richard at the same hospital in which Mum is a long stay patient.

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The audiences change sides at the interval and acts one and three are repeated. The audience see the acts that they have heard but not yet seen. The dividing wall changes into a transparent antechamber for the final act (act two), both audiences seeing what happens within simultaneously. This scene takes place on the day of Richard’s father’s second marriage (to Jade). Note: The script conveys the experience of watching the domestic side first and the psychiatric or public side second. Text aligned to the right in smaller font denotes the unseen part of the stage.

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ACT ONE – CHAOS FOUR VOICES IN DARKNESS:

We are a polyphony of voices. We are who we are because We listen to all voices in the group And adhere to basic principles. Tolerance of uncertainty is one. A new approach to psychiatric care’s emerged In which the basic elements of dialogue Can lead to healing, or, if you don’t like that word, To positive change. We want to open up the boundaries And integrate family perspectives Into psychotherapy. It’s time. It’s time. It’s time. It’s time to have Reflective conversation in the team. Let us discover who would like to talk

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And what it is they want to talk about. We will repeat their answers word for word. Incorporate their language in our own So they are comfortable to have their say. It’s time. It’s time. It’s time. It’s time to have Reflective conversation in the team. PART A – DRACULA A domestic setting five to ten years ago. sits at the table fiddling with his phone. against the wall. RUPERT

DOCTOR

MUM

sits facing the audience.

There is an unbearably long silence. DOCTOR: You seem very quiet today. RICHARD

enters with a knife.

RICHARD: RUPERT: MUM:

I’ve learned to do pasta. Do you want pasta?

No.

I’ve made fish pie.

RICHARD:

Er mum. I’m vegetarian. 14

stands

Pause. RUPERT:

So am I.

Pause. MUM:

Fish is fine.

RICHARD: MUM:

Oh fuckatarian. Fuckashitarian.

RICHARD: MUM:

No, I’m not a pescatarian. I’m a vegetarian.

Verging on being a vegan.

You used to have sausages three times a day.

RICHARD:

I was growing up. I didn’t know what I was then, but now I know. I’m a vegetarian vegan fiction /writer. RUPERT: MUM:

Ok. So you’’re vegetarian, you’re vegan, vegetarian.

RUPERT: MUM:

Wanker

I’m vegetarian as well.

And you’ve got a girlfriend.

RICHARD:

Marnie. She’s coming next week. She’s vegetarian as well. But I can cook for us. RUPERT: MUM:

Her name’s Mark.

What do you mean, Mark?

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RICHARD: RUPERT:

Her name is Marnie.

He’s a nice girl, isn’t he?

RICHARD:

He’s just jealous.

DOCTOR: Nothing? RICHARD: RUPERT:

Yes. All my meals, I can make them in ten minutes.

Don’t point the knife.

Pause. RICHARD: RUPERT:

What?

Don’t point the knife at Mum.

RICHARD:

What are you going to do? Kill us with a big sharp

knife? MUM:

Well actually I would love to do that. Maybe at Christmas. RICHARD: MUM:

Are you going to kill everyone at Christmas dinner?

With a machete.

RICHARD:

Why don’t you do it now? Just get it over with. Cut my heart out with a knife. RUPERT

signals to put the knife away.

RICHARD

takes the knife out. 16

RICHARD

appears in the clinic with the knife.

DOCTOR

takes the knife from him and sends him back out.

RICHARD

exits.

MUM:

I’ve had enough of this bollocks. I’m not mad here. What are you talking about? You have to shut up because you’re twelve and you don’t know what you’re talking about. RUPERT:

I’m twelve.

RICHARD

enters.

MUM:

He’s completely been manipulated by his father and that’s the situation. Just go. I’ve had enough. RUPERT:

I’m twelve.

DOCTOR: You seem to have a rather fanciful picture of psychotherapy. RUPERT: MUM:

I’m red.

RUPERT: MUM:

She thinks I’m twelve.

This is what happens. She thinks I’m twelve.

Well how old are you?

RUPERT:

She thinks I’m twelve.

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MUM:

Unbelievable. You give life to these creatures and then they bite you. DOCTOR: It involves you sitting there, smiling sometimes, saying nothing, or very little, and me sitting here watching you, wondering what you’re thinking. MUM:

I have to go.

RUPERT: MUM:

Where are you going?

They’ve asked me to go in for a little conversation.

DOCTOR: I’m not sure how I can help you really. RUPERT:

Can I come?

RICHARD: MUM:

No you can’t.

They’ll get your brain. They’ll get your brain as well.

RICHARD:

You need to stay here.

MUM:

I forgot to tick that box saying I do not wish to receive emails. I thought it meant tick this box if you do want to receive emails. RICHARD: MUM:

It’s an easy mistake to make.

And they get you.

RICHARD:

Just unsubscribe.

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MUM:

No, they’ve got my phone number.

RUPERT: MUM:

They’ve got my phone number.

RUPERT: MUM:

Block the email.

No, it was on a website.

RUPERT: MUM:

This is all about emails?

Block it.

A website for MFI.

RUPERT:

Delete it.

RUPERT

starts playing with something.

DOCTOR

posts a letter.

A letter appears. RICHARD reads it. RICHARD: RUPERT:

So who signed this?

Don’t go online.

Pause. RICHARD:

Why did he sign this?

MUM:

I just did it because I knew that it was the only way to keep them away from us.

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RICHARD:

I might just go up to my room because I’ve got to do a lot of work while I am here. MUM:

Well I’m planning to have dinner at 7.30 if somebody’s going to show up. DOCTOR: Ok, well if you’re not prepared or not ready to talk then perhaps I’ll talk. RICHARD:

Yes, I’ll just sort my papers out.

DOCTOR: I don’t know how you’d feel about that. RICHARD:

I think that’s the defining characteristic of being serious as a writer. And in essence that’s what I am. RICHARD

exits.

DOCTOR: Yes, perhaps I can tell you a bit about myself and what I’m going through. The DOCTOR looks out of the window. RICHARD enters. RICHARD:

(Sitting.) I had to write something down.

RUPERT:

(He stops playing with the thing he was playing with.) Mum, I’m hungry. I’m hungry, Mum. (He starts playing again.) DOCTOR: (Moving chair and sitting opposite RICHARD.) I’m just concerned. You’ve mentioned that the Nobel peace prize is coming your way.

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RICHARD: Literature. There’s a rumour I might be getting the peace prize as well. It’s not unfeasible. MUM:

This is like the last supper without the supper.

DOCTOR: Have you been nominated for one? RICHARD: Well you know all about that, don’t you? DOCTOR: No. MUM:

I don’t know. Sometimes I feel really… This is very silly…existence, really. The haunted house. Two children. Dracula and the husband. (MUM echoes this phrase until her next line.) RICHARD: I’ve heard…I assumed other people…I’ve heard through my writer friends. They’ve all been talking about it – is Richard finally going to get it? DOCTOR: And will you? RICHARD: I think possibly I am. DOCTOR: Are these local friends? RICHARD: Well that depends on the whole patina of association. MUM:

What is this all about? Come on. You’re young.

RUPERT:

(Stops playing.) I don’t know.

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MUM:

And clever.

RUPERT: MUM:

I’m not clever. Shut up.

Oh you are clever, come on.

RUPERT:

I’m not.

leaves to find some peace. He takes away whatever he was playing with. MUM looks out for DAD coming home so she can serve dinner. RUPERT

RICHARD: If you’re looking at the Jungian sense of anima certainly in the way it has infiltrated (A man enters the clinic – Doctor ushers him out.) the deeper recesses of my work then maybe…locality…you can look at. There are a trillion instances of, you know, characters and more farfetched creations who’ve become interlocked with whatever’s going on. Certainly in the protagonist’s mind. RUPERT

comes back in.

RUPERT:

I want dinner. I’m really hungry. Well I’m going to have a sandwich or something because I’m starving. MUM:

No, don’t spoil your appetite, please.

DOCTOR: (Standing behind RICHARD.) Are some of your works published that I might be able to read? RICHARD: Most of it’s under aliases. DOCTOR: Which ones?

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RICHARD: Most of Nabokov’s work is mine. Edna O’Brien I’ve written. The output’s huge – prodigious. There’s a plethora of different nom de plumes. RUPERT:

Well if you’re not going to make it for me – (He gets

up.) MUM:

It’s going to be at 7.30, I said. It’s all in the oven.

RUPERT

sits down.

DOCTOR: What would your reason for using them be? These nom de plumes? RICHARD: It’s play. DOCTOR: Play? RICHARD: It’s a big playground. (He strips off his clothes, throws them over the wall and lies down on the floor.) RUPERT:

What are we having? What are we having? What are we having? MUM:

I made…oh come on.

RUPERT:

Hmm? What?

MUM:

I made what you like. A special dish for you and for your brother. RUPERT:

Ok what is it?

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MUM:

Ok, I made this Mediterranean roasted vegetables.

RUPERT:

Say it again.

RICHARD: The world’s a playground. A sea in which to splash about. MUM:

Mediterran-ean roas-ted vege-ta-bles.

RUPERT:

All right, all right.

RICHARD: I’m antisocial, first person to admit that. It couldn’t be otherwise. As Nabokov said, writing’s about not getting out of the house. MUM:

And then…cooked with butter, which is nice, in the

oven. RUPERT:

Butter. And?

MUM:

Paprika and all of that. And then I made a…I made a… what’s it called? DOCTOR: (Sitting in the chair over RICHARD.) What about the Nobel Prize? How did you find out about that? MUM:

Fish pie. The fish pie.

RUPERT: MUM: MUM

You’re making me feel hungry now.

It’s all in the oven. It’s not ready.

goes to check the ‘oven’.

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MUM

enters the clinic. DOCTOR ushers her out.

RUPERT:

(To MUM.) What?

RICHARD: I hear about it mostly on the net. There’s various bits of pockets of cyber gossip. Various names associated with mine. MUM

enters.

MUM:

You see, I had something else in mind.

RUPERT:

What?

DOCTOR: I’m not sure how much of this is true. RICHARD: I’m a fiction writer. What do you expect? DOCTOR: I expect you to tell me the truth. RICHARD: Which truth? DOCTOR: About what happened when your brother died. MUM:

I thought we were going to sit down and have a little chat about your brother, you and your dad. But look at me. I’m here on my own like an asshole as usual. RICHARD: Can I go home now? DOCTOR: No. RUPERT:

What do you want to chat about?

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MUM:

I don’t know. As a family you go around a table and –

RUPERT: MUM:

Yes, but what’s the subject?

Well, us. What we’re doing. What we’re doing.

RUPERT:

What we’re doing in what sense?

DOCTOR: You see, I’m not convinced. I think that you want to get out but you don’t necessarily want to get better. RICHARD

exits.

RUPERT:

What are you talking about?

RICHARD

comes back in.

RICHARD: MUM:

What?

RICHARD: MUM:

Excuse me.

Where’s my room?

What do you mean where’s / your room

RICHARD:

Where’s my room gone?

DOCTOR: I see you and you see me. RUPERT: MUM:

(Laughs.) You didn’t tell him yet?

Oh…/ermm um…well (etc. repeated until her next

line.)

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RICHARD

gets dressed in the clothes he threw over the wall.

DOCTOR: “I experience you and you experience me.” This is R.D. Laing. “I see your behaviour. You see my behaviour. But I do not and never have and never will see your experience of me.” RICHARD:

Where’s my Nabokov collection? Where’s my

stuff? MUM:

Oh yes actually…

RICHARD:

What have you done?

MUM:

No. Hang on. Yes, ok, let me explain. Your room…/ erm um…well (etc. until next line.) DOCTOR: “Just as you cannot see my experience of you. My experience of you is not inside me. It is simply you as I experience you. And I do not experience you as inside me. Similarly you do not experience me as inside you.” MUM:

Well, that was your room when you left like nine months ago. RUPERT:

She’s using it for massage.

MUM:

No it’s just like because I’m…I’ve been kind of having this treatment so we need a kind of special bed and everything so I moved everything that belonged to you, the toys and train and all of that, train station, the Lego, all of that, I moved it into…the storage room. / And so (Trailing through to next line.)

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DOCTOR: “My experience of you is just another form of words for ‘you as I experience you’ and ‘your experience of me’ equals ‘me as you experience me’. ” MUM:

If you can sleep in the couch…

DOCTOR: “Your experience of me is not inside you.” MUM:

Yes. (Hearing a voice from outside and shouting to it.) Who’s that? RUPERT:

Mm. Anyway…

RICHARD:

Er no. I’m not happy to sleep on the sofa.

DOCTOR: “My experience of you is invisible to you.” RICHARD: MUM:

Why can’t I sleep in his room?

Yes, ok.

RUPERT:

Hello.

RICHARD:

Oh actually no, I don’t want to sleep in a crackly

bed. RUPERT:

Good. Good.

DOCTOR: “I cannot experience your experience.” MUM:

Sleep in my room.

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RUPERT:

Sleep on a crackly sofa instead. Sleep with your mum

then. MUM:

Sleep between your dad and I.

DOCTOR: “You cannot experience my experience.” MUM:

Anyway there’s nothing going on there. I’m really sorry but you have to understand because you’re going to be away for four years at university / right? RUPERT:

Mnrr/universitymnurrmnurr

DOCTOR: “We are both invisible.” MUM:

Is it true?

DOCTOR: “We are both invisible.” RICHARD:

Yes but I’ll be back.

DOCTOR: “I do not experience your experience but I experience you as experiencing. I experience myself as experienced by you.” RICHARD:

I’ve got work to do on the implications of modernism when I come back. MUM:

I understand.

RICHARD:

You want me to stay up in college all the time?

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MUM:

No, no, no, no. I mean stay there but come back or just go somewhere else. DOCTOR: “And I experience you as experiencing yourself as experienced by me”…I’ll draw it. RICHARD:

What work are you doing on this bed?

MUM:

I need to get…look, I’m sorry…I’ve got all this big stuff going on. I don’t know any more what’s going on so I need to be looked after. It’s just like a very mild treatment I’m… oh fuck’s sake. Anyway I should have told you. I thought we mentioned that…no, we didn’t talk to you…? RICHARD:

Nobody’s told me anything.

JADE:

Through an email? No? Maybe your email account is not working. RUPERT:

Well, tell him now then.

RICHARD:

Well why didn’t you Facebook me? Just Facebook me. (Stands behind RUPERT.) RUPERT:

You’re not my friend on Facebook. You said you didn’t want the family on Facebook. You said it’s bad enough… RICHARD: RUPERT’s

Ok well you can still message me. (Touches phone, spoiling it.)

RUPERT:

“I don’t want my family on Facebook.” That’s weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird.

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RUPERT

exits.

A male patient enters the clinic. DOCTOR: Once this is all demystified in this way. MUM:

Anyway…

RICHARD:

So how’s this work going then? Are you in there all the time? When are you in there? What work are you doing? DOCTOR: (Referring to the male patient.) you can see that… Some people experience themselves and others in ways that are strange and incomprehensible to most people. MUM:

Sorry?

DOCTOR: Including themselves. RICHARD: MUM:

I went to a yoga class. I got injured.

This is because you’re too pushy.

RICHARD:

No. It was the instructor who made me do it. The instructor ripped my adductor. MUM:

This is very unusual.

RICHARD: MUM:

Yes.

You like this kind of extreme sport.

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RICHARD:

No. Base-jumping.

Extreme

sport

is

mountaineering.

DOCTOR: And if that person’s experience becomes visible to broader society then broader society is liable to diagnose you as subject to a condition called Schizophrenia. (Male patient exits.) RUPERT

enters and sits down.

RICHARD:

(Exiting to the toilet.) Base-jumping is safer than yoga. Statistically speaking there are less injuries…Ok, there’s occasionally a death. (From off.) Oh my God, someone’s been to the toilet, the toilet’s stunk out Mum. DOCTOR/MUM: RUPERT:

Shut up.

DOCTOR/MUM: RICHARD: RUPERT:

Yeah.

Open the window!

(From off.) Can’t. Need a gas mask mum.

What is the toilet for? Stinky shit hey hey.

DOCTOR/MUM:

Open the window!

MUM:

It’s unbelievable. It’s obvious that the shit smells. It’s kinda obvious…what are you looking… RICHARD

enters.

DOCTOR: Did you just call me mum?

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RICHARD: She’s not my real mum. DOCTOR: How? RICHARD: They’re not my real parents. I had my origins in frozen sperm. RICHARD exits. RICHARD

enters.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

Where’s Dad?

He didn’t want to see you…he’s gone to the pub

instead. RICHARD

exits.

RICHARD enters. DOCTOR: You’re wondering if your dad’s here? MUM:

(To RUPERT.) Who said that?

RUPERT:

Yes, better things to do.

RICHARD: I went to primary school and I was taken away from it because I (Loud.) had a few pints and drove the car. DOCTOR: Is that what you did? RICHARD: I had the opposite of learning difficulties. I mean I had an unnaturally high IQ and became a member of Mensa

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when I was five years old. I was picked on because of my intelligence. RICHARD exits. RICHARD

enters.

RICHARD:

Anyway how are you Mum? What’s up?

RUPERT:

She’s fine. She’s fine.

RICHARD

exits.

RICHARD enters. RICHARD: So I had to sit special exams. DOCTOR MUM:

starts to drift off.

I’m fine. Just a bit…I don’t know. It’s such a thing.

RICHARD: In different rooms to the other kids and it wasn’t a good environment for an unnaturally bright young boy to be nurtured in and to flourish. MUM:

Everybody’s here all of a sudden…

RICHARD: So I had to be taken away from it. MUM:

…I spend a lot of time on my own.

RICHARD: Educated at home by a series of tutors.

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MUM:

Because your father goes out to do whatever and always…/ RICHARD: Most of whom – in fact all of whom – were inferior in intelligence to me. MUM:

But he’s busy, busy with his…

RICHARD: And since that time I’ve made leaps and bounds in my self-education. DOCTOR

wakes up and stands up.

RICHARD:

(From off.) What are you doing?

DOCTOR: Me? RUPERT:

I’m in my room. I’m in my room doing my things. I’ve got things to do in my room. RICHARD:

Making the sheets crackly?

DOCTOR: No I don’t do that. RUPERT: MUM:

Oh shut up.

I’m lost

RICHARD: Oh I feel as crusty as an adolescent boy’s pyjamas. RUPERT:

Oh I’ve heard it before, heard it all before.

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DOCTOR: Is this interesting for you? Talking to me? MUM:

You know what it’s like. Today I feel really confused.

RICHARD: If you’ve got the kind of super intelligence that I have you’re interested in everything. MUM:

There’s a lot of people moving around.

Everyone still for a moment. DOCTOR: Did you ever meet anyone of similar intelligence to yourself? RICHARD: There was a woman. Who came to the house just after we moved here. MUM:

I’m not used to this. Anyway don’t get me wrong. I’m so, so happy to see you. RICHARD: She was a kind of supervisory figure. And we had a rapport. RUPERT:

Me?

RICHARD: Sparks were flying. RUPERT:

Happy to see Richard?

RICHARD: So what are we going to do? Any plans?

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MUM:

We’re waiting for your dad to come back eventually. (MUM occasionally makes “Mmm” noises until her next line when she seems to wake up.) DOCTOR has moved into door space. DOCTOR: No plans. RICHARD: RUPERT:

(From off.) I was thinking a walk maybe.

A walk?

DOCTOR: A walk? RICHARD: RUPERT:

(From off.) Do you want to do a walk?

In the country?

DOCTOR: In the country? RICHARD:

(From off.) Yes.

DOCTOR: Yes. RUPERT:

I don’t like it, no.

RICHARD:

(From off.) Let’s go and do a walk. Sing a few

songs. RUPERT:

It’s not a very nice day, is it?

RICHARD:

(From off.) Doesn’t matter. Just get out and get some air. I want to see the land. I want to connect to the land.

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RUPERT:

All nettles and cowpats and gnats. What’s nice about

that? RICHARD:

(From off.) What we need to do is get two handfuls of earth from where you’re from and smell it. MUM:

A bit like Dracula. Dracula was from Ireland originally.

DOCTOR: That would be something. RICHARD: I’ve got a lot of freedom in my mind because my mind is, as I told you, spectacularly large. RUPERT:

Oh bollocks.

RICHARD: I do what the survivors do. MUM:

Yes he was.

RICHARD: I retain my dignity. RUPERT:

Rubbish.

RICHARD: No matter what they do to me I’ve got the freedom of my intelligence. MUM:

Oh for goodness’ sake. I’m telling you he was from Ireland and he became Dracula because there was a plague or something. RUPERT:

What’s this got to do with anything?

RICHARD: She lost her mind.

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MUM:

Hang on.

DOCTOR: Who? RICHARD: Mum. MUM:

They were pushing people into a graveyard and they would be dying. RUPERT: MUM:

What are we having for tea?

Can you hang on? A bit of respect to your mum.

DOCTOR: Mum? MUM:

Right. So these people –

RUPERT:

I just want to know what we’re having for tea.

RICHARD: It was during those visits I made or perhaps before from university. MUM:

Disappointed.

RUPERT:

Where did Dracula come out of this?

RICHARD: When I was doing my doctorate, aged nine. A kind of reluctance on her part to let go. DOCTOR: Of? (Repeat ‘of?’ as needed in next paragraph.) MUM:

Those guys, real people being buried alive in Ireland, (‘of?’) many years ago, these alive people would come out at

39

night to take revenge on the killers. (‘of?’) The story comes from that… RICHARD: Just about everything. MUM:

(Continuing.) …that was replaced in Whitby and Transylvania, isn’t it? But all of that is fictionalised. The real story comes from there. Dracula was an Irish man. RICHARD: I miss her food, compared to the hospital rubbish we get. MUM:

Yes and that’s why he brings the earth with him…

DOCTOR: The food here? MUM:

(Continuing.) …because in fact they were buried alive, these people were buried alive. You understand? So we can go out, sorry, all of this… What? What are we talking about? RICHARD:

(From off.) The land.

RICHARD: This fictional realm peopled by members of the medical profession. MUM:

Oh yes. All of that is fictionalised.

RICHARD: She’s made me ill too. DOCTOR: It’s the gene that makes you flip. RICHARD: I’m a grown man now. I’ve got a life. A private life and anyway…

40

MUM:

It probably implies some kind of sexual.

DOCTOR: What? RICHARD: They weren’t my real parents. RUPERT:

He’s got a penis.

RICHARD: I had my origins in frozen sperm. MUM:

Does he?

RUPERT: MUM: MUM

Probably.

Oh come on!

exits with plate.

Enter MUM–DOCTOR evicts her. RICHARD: Before the Russians got hold of his body and burned it, someone had the foresight to freeze and thus preserve some of the Führer’s ejaculate. A number of years later it was defrosted and injected into an egg that had issued from a female, and I was the result of this combination. This is why my hair is parted on the left side as opposed to the right. Interlude. PART B – POP PSYCHOLOGY DOCTOR

takes a phone call from his wife.

41

DOCTOR: I have to take this sorry RICHARD exits. RICHARD

enters.

RUPERT:

He’s got a penis.

DOCTOR: Hello? Sorry? RUPERT:

He’s got a penis. He’s got a penis. (Like a schoolyard taunt repeated as needed.) DOCTOR: I know he’s got a school trip tomorrow. RICHARD: RUPERT:

Yes and I use it for its intended natural purpose.

Penis.

DOCTOR: Yeah I know but it’s just – RUPERT:

With your gay boyfriend you mean?

DOCTOR: We can still have a nice evening together. RICHARD: RUPERT:

Urinating.

Penis.

DOCTOR: We can go and get ice cream. RUPERT:

He’s got a gay penis.

DOCTOR: I don’t just give him ice creams. 42

RICHARD:

You’re projecting onto me. I’ve learned about this. What you do is you project all your problems onto someone else. DOCTOR: It’s not too late. RICHARD:

It’s called pop psychology.

DOCTOR: I just have him one time a week. RICHARD:

What you do is…

DOCTOR: Why am I late? RICHARD:

…You project everything you’re worried about onto / another person DOCTOR: Because of work. RUPERT:

Yes, well, what goes around comes around.

DOCTOR: Work is not more important than Ben. RUPERT:

What goes around comes around.

DOCTOR: No. Come on. RUPERT:

I’m only joking.

DOCTOR: Yes I know you do that with Ben all week. I’m not prioritising work over Ben. RUPERT:

(To RICHARD.) Why are you looking at me like that?

43

DOCTOR: (Loud.) Why? RICHARD:

(To Rupert.) Do what?

DOCTOR: He’s my son as well. RICHARD:

Go on, go to your room and have a crank.

DOCTOR: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. RICHARD:

Go on, I want to have a word with Mum.

DOCTOR: I don’t believe it. RUPERT:

Don’t worry I’m going. I don’t want to sit here anyway listening to your bollocks. DOCTOR: I do want to see him. Of course I want to see him. MUM

enters.

RUPERT: RUPERT

(Exiting.) Bye. Bye. Bye.

exits.

A male patient enters ranting “I don’t want to sit here – what’s for dinner – I’m hungry” over and over again. DOCTOR: Good morning. DOCTOR administers drugs. RICHARD:

I’ve got a girlfriend, Mum.

44

MUM:

Do you?

RICHARD:

Yes, and I was thinking maybe I could bring her home just to show you. MUM:

Yes. I’d be really delighted to meet your girlfriend.

RICHARD: MUM:

Yes, yes. What’s her name?

RICHARD: MUM:

Really?

Marnie.

Marnie. Ok.

RICHARD:

You’re not going to guess this right. Not only did she used to be a man but her surname is the same as ours. MUM:

So it’s not by any chance that she’s related to us? Because that would be wrong. RICHARD:

No, no. Actually I don’t know, but I don’t think so. You’d have to go a long way back. There’s plenty of us you know. MUM:

I’m very, very open-minded.

RICHARD:

So I’ll bring her back next week.

MUM:

Yes ok. Shirley – (Correcting herself.) Marnie. I’m going to get you a cigar. RICHARD:

I’ll get one.

45

MUM:

That would be nice.

RICHARD

exits.

RUPERT exits. MUM:

Because we need to celebrate Marnie coming.

RICHARD enters. RICHARD: I was contacted by Bletchley Park. MI6 wanted to employ me. There was no way I could have done it. Can you imagine me working for MI6. Where would I stay? I still get proposals. RUPERT MUM:

comes back in and starts doing his thing.

Where is your dad?

DOCTOR: You still get proposals? RICHARD: Bletchley Park, MI6, Al-Qaeda contacted me through the internet. So, you can imagine. MUM:

Chatting up the nurses.

RUPERT:

All right. What’s the matter with you?

DOCTOR: Imagine what, sorry? MUM:

I discovered this concentrated lemon thing.

RICHARD: How it would all have collapsed.

46

MUM:

I was going to tell you about my… What do you mean “what’s the matter with me”? RUPERT:

I don’t want to know.

DOCTOR: The night your brother died. The night of your father’s re-marriage. MUM:

Oh come on.

RICHARD: Not sure I want to go there really. MUM:

Anyway I’m going to tell you.

DOCTOR: Too much? RUPERT:

I’m going to go back to my room.

RICHARD: We shared a lot of things. MUM:

It feels like there are several families in this family.

DOCTOR: You and your dad? RICHARD: RUPERT: MUM:

(From off.) Rupert.

(In response to RICHARD.) What?

The concept of unity is kind of very loose.

RICHARD: I think love died some time ago, but there’s a strong fraternal bond, regardless of the love and its absence.

47

RUPERT:

Well there are ghosts in this house. This house is

haunted. MUM:

There aren’t ghosts. It’s a happy house.

RICHARD: Not quite sure what you’re getting at. RUPERT:

The people we bought it off. They said it was haunted, didn’t they? MUM:

Don’t exist.

DOCTOR: I was just – RICHARD: Fishing. DOCTOR: Looking around for triggers that might – RICHARD: What about your triggers? RUPERT:

They wanted us to think it was haunted so that we would buy it. DOCTOR: What about my triggers? MUM:

Ooooooh.

DOCTOR: Yes – I have my triggers. The point is… RUPERT:

Actually we managed to get the price knocked down because of that. RICHARD: It doesn’t really help.

48

MUM:

Who told you that?

DOCTOR: If you can let them go without firing. RUPERT:

It was the estate agent, wasn’t it?

DOCTOR: We could look at what the trigger is. RUPERT: MUM:

When we got this place.

Ok.

DOCTOR: Fix the hole in the roof not just put a bucket to catch the drips. RUPERT:

They said it’s haunted.

RICHARD: I’ve got a hole in my roof? MUM:

Lying.

DOCTOR: A trauma, let’s say – it can be something that arises from stress. RUPERT:

They were trying to make it sound characterful.

DOCTOR: And stress can be… MUM:

Just / because it’s in the middle of nowhere.

DOCTOR: Living in the middle of nowhere, leaving home, getting divorced, going on holiday… RUPERT:

Get a priest to exorcise the house. 49

DOCTOR: Sorry, I haven’t had lunch so I’m feeling a bit light-headed. RUPERT:

Did you do that, Mum? Did you have it exorcised?

RICHARD: That’s the end of the session? MUM:

I always wondered what that tickling was in the night.

RUPERT

laughs.

DOCTOR: No (Taking pills.) This is a bit hypocritical but what I have for you RUPERT:

We could exorcise it now (Starts doing something.)

RICHARD: I don’t want drugs. MUM:

There is nothing to laugh about.

DOCTOR: I am obliged to offer you, I should say, is Clozapine. MUM:

I feel you’re taking the piss of me. Where’s Richard?

RICHARD: I’ve got my drug already. RUPERT:

Upstairs.

RICHARD: I’ve got my intellect. I don’t need anything that creates a fog around that.

50

DOCTOR: A colleague of mine – we did a training course together on a system that has practically eradicated schizophrenia in errr…in Western Lapland, and it hardly uses any drugs – just talking. I try and do it a bit, but anyway, my friend, he got struck off. RICHARD: Why? DOCTOR: The CMD (commission on medical discipline) claimed he was harming his patients because he wasn’t prescribing the anti-psychotics that the pharma(ceutical) companies (who sponsor everyone on the CMD board, and the APS and pretty much everyone) want them to sell. This is one of their pens. RUPERT:

(Stopping doing something.) What’s for dinner?

DOCTOR: Pardon? RUPERT:

What’s for dinner?

RICHARD: I didn’t say anything. MUM:

For you a fantastic vegan pasta.

RUPERT: MUM:

Is it a formal dinner?

If your dad will show up.

DOCTOR: Because the coroner returned an undecided verdict on your brother you’re here as you could be a danger to yourself.

51

MUM:

I’m going to put some make-up on. Brush my hair (She does so radically – in a mirror in the 4th wall downstage.) DOCTOR: Or to others if, for example, these ideas that you have are somehow threatened or become threatening. Clozapine would stop that. RICHARD: What if I say no? DOCTOR: It’s your choice. RICHARD: What’s the alternative? DOCTOR

takes the knife from RICHARD and gives him pills.

DOCTOR

takes out his phone, which is ringing.

MUM

exits.

DOCTOR: I’m sorry, Richard, would you excuse me a minute? RUPERT:

Bored.

RICHARD exits. RICHARD

enters looking at MUM’s pills that he is carrying.

RICHARD:

What’s wrong with sharp objects?

DOCTOR: Now listen, Alison, I’m not prepared to take more of this stuff from you.

52

MUM

enters.

RUPERT:

(Playing on phone.) If you’re going mental you can’t have sharp objects around you. DOCTOR: I’ve had enough of it… RICHARD:

Going what?

DOCTOR: So do you want to shut up, and no more swearing and all that bollocks. RUPERT:

(Playing on phone.) Mental.

DOCTOR: Or go and see someone about it? RICHARD:

What do you mean she’s going mental?

DOCTOR: Not me, I’ve had enough of it. RUPERT:

(Playing on phone.) I saw this film last night.

DOCTOR: Now please give me my son. RICHARD:

Are you serious?

DOCTOR: Fuck off? RUPERT:

(Playing on phone.) With um Christian Slater in.

DOCTOR: Fuck off? Fuck off? RICHARD:

I don’t like you saying that.

53

DOCTOR: Fuck you. RUPERT:

You know what’s going on.

DOCTOR: Will you sign the divorce papers? RICHARD:

No, I don’t know what’s going on. What’s going

on? DOCTOR: Why should you? His phone disconnects, he takes it away from his ear and looks at the screen. MUM exits. RUPERT: MUM

Oh she’s coming back. Ah.

enters.

RICHARD: MUM:

Rupert says…

Says what?

RICHARD:

He says that you’re…you know. That you’ve

gone… MUM:

Gone what?

RICHARD: RICHARD

acts as if he is MUM going mad. Pause.

RICHARD: MUM

Gone…

Sorry. There was no better way of putting it.

exits. 54

MUM

enters.

RUPERT:

Now you’ve done it.

DOCTOR: She won’t sign the divorce papers. MUM exits. MUM

enters.

MUM:

I try to understand, to talk to you, you’re all talking over me. (Big pause.) What the fuck? (Big pause.) What are you doing? Both of you, both of you, both of you. RICHARD: MUM:

What’s this about mental?

Where is your dad? What’s he doing?

RUPERT:

(Showing phone to The first time.

RICHARD.)

That’s where I saw it.

MUM:

What are you talking about now? Can you stop ignoring me? Eh. Young man. RUPERT: MUM:

(Reading.) Mental health…anyway.

Hey young man.

RICHARD: MUM:

Mum.

Yes son.

RICHARD:

Mental health services.

55

MUM:

Mental health services.

RUPERT:

You’re talking too much. Again.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

You see, this is what happens.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

When?

Right now.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

What?

She just doesn’t stop talking.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

Do you want to take your pills Mum?

Well take the pills.

Take them Mum.

Pause. RUPERT:

I’ve got to go to the toilet.

RICHARD: RUPERT

We don’t need to know.

exits – Enter male patient.

RICHARD:

Take two between meals

MUM

takes the pills in her hand.

MALE

patient exits.

56

RUPERT

enters.

RICHARD

exits.

RICHARD

enters.

RICHARD: All done (Meaning he has taken his pills.) DOCTOR: Good. Sorry about that. DOCTOR/MUM: (MUM

rants echoing the DOCTOR but imagining the future scenario.) You went home last weekend. How did that go? With your – RICHARD/MUM: MUM:

Step-Mum. Brother.

You have to keep the family together.

DOCTOR/MUM:

Your brother is dead.

RUPERT:

What are you saying, Mum? What are you seeing? Tell me what you’re seeing? What are you seeing? Come on. People? RICHARD: I was a bit anxious about what to do with my manuscripts, because of the experiences I had last time. MUM:

Just go away to your room. (She puts the pills in her mouth.) DOCTOR: What was that?

57

RICHARD: My step-mum was onto my ideas, using them for her own purposes. She’s actually somehow managing to read my mind. DOCTOR: And what would her interest be in doing that? RICHARD: She’s probably involved with the Nobel committee. MUM:

I’m not going to take this crap.

She spits the pills out. DOCTOR: I thought she was a doctor. RUPERT:

You have to take it. Take it.

RICHARD: She’s a multi-faceted figure. MUM:

Just leave me alone. / Ahhh ahhh (Continues as underscore to next line.) DOCTOR: You mean she writes? RICHARD: She doesn’t do it openly, but that’s what I fear. The whole thing has been orchestrated to give her material for her forthcoming tomes. RUPERT:

Just take them. Oh dear. Now she’s going all weird.

DOCTOR: Do you want to leave the manuscripts with me? MUM:

I can’t talk. Because you are getting annoyed. / Brrr

58

(Continues as underscore to next line.) RICHARD: I’ve spent the last two weeks memorising them. RUPERT:

I’m getting annoyed because you don’t take your

pills. RICHARD: I’ll transfer them somehow to the chip. MUM:

Well then I’ll shut up.

DOCTOR: The chip? Silence. RICHARD: We haven’t talked about the weather much. DOCTOR: So let’s talk about the weather. RICHARD: Actually, no, I don’t want to. DOCTOR: What would you like to talk about? RICHARD: I’ve been writing a kind of Greek tragedy. DOCTOR: Oh that’s good – how’s it going? RICHARD: It’s at that stage where I’m not sure I want to share it with other people really. DOCTOR: Ok and how far have you got? MUM

moves towards exit.

59

RUPEART: MUM

Where are you going?

stops.

RICHARD: I’ve just come up with this doctor character who starts hearing voices and talking to himself and wondering if he’s psychotic (Performing the doctor role.) and I don’t listen to my patients properly. DOCTOR: Yeah. RICHARD: (Performing the doctor role.) And my wife incessantly shouting in the room below. RUPERT:

I want dinner. I’m really hungry.

DOCTOR: Your wife? MUM:

It’s going to be at 7.30, at its usual time

RICHARD: This is the fictional wife. Her name’s Alison. MUM:

What time is the usual time?

RICHARD: She’s got borderline personality disorder. RUPERT:

6.30.

RICHARD: Latches on to carer types MUM:

What?

DOCTOR: Alison?

60

RUPERT:

6.30.

RICHARD: Then attempts to destroy them. MUM:

No. Come on.

RICHARD: We have one child. MUM:

Dinner’s 7.30.

RICHARD: Called Ben. DOCTOR: Yeah, ok. RUPERT:

What are we having?

RICHARD: You look rather embarrassed by this. MUM:

I made…oh come on.

DOCTOR: No, no. RUPERT: MUM:

Hmm? What?

For you there is this special dish.

DOCTOR: I’ve just got mild alcohol poisoning. RUPERT:

Which is what?

DOCTOR: If I’m red it’s because of that. Sorry. MUM:

Mediterranean vegetables.

61

RICHARD: Anyway so that’s what I’ve been doing. RUPERT: MUM:

I’ve got couscous on the side.

RUPERT: MUM:

No.

Chicken?

RUPERT: MUM:

I don’t like couscous.

For goodness’ sake. What would you prefer? Rice?

RUPERT: MUM:

I don’t want just vegetables on its own.

Well you should know my taste.

I don’t know.

RUPERT:

I like pizza.

DOCTOR: This imagined family, in this Greek tragedy, is it a bit like mine? RUPERT:

I like flan.

RICHARD: It is yours. MUM:

It’s not good for you, pizza and flan.

DOCTOR: And I am you? RUPERT:

Flan is alright. Quiche.

RICHARD: You are yourself. 62

MUM:

Flan? What’s this flan?

DOCTOR: And I am hearing voices, did you say? RUPERT:

Quiche.

RICHARD: Yes. MUM:

I don’t like quiches. Please don’t mention quiche.

DOCTOR: And we’re in it now? RUPERT:

I think there’s some in the freezer.

RICHARD: I can’t really give a definitive answer to that question. Everything’s in a sort of state of flux really. The whole thing is kind of constructed to manage these whatever you call them that are going on. Have been going on, for some time, probably will continue to go on, these um problems. MUM:

Will you be able to look after yourselves?

DOCTOR: So the fictional realms help you manage your problems? RUPERT:

What do you mean?

RICHARD: Is that what I said? MUM:

Without me?

DOCTOR: Yes.

63

RUPERT:

Tonight you mean?

RICHARD: I didn’t say mine. I said these problems. MUM:

In the future?

RICHARD: I don’t know why you refer them to me. RUPERT:

Yeah I’ll be all right.

RICHARD: Don’t know where that came from. MUM:

You’ll be able to cook?

DOCTOR: It came from your step-mum… RUPERT:

Yeah, yeah, I know how to cook.

RICHARD: Replacement mother, yeah. MUM:

If there’s enough in the freezer.

DOCTOR: Jade. RUPERT:

Say it again.

DOCTOR: Jade said you enjoyed writing. MUM:

If there’s enough in the freezer!

RICHARD: Well she would. DOCTOR: Because you were studying literature at university before the incident. 64

RICHARD: We watched a documentary together. DOCTOR: Documentary? RICHARD: TV. DOCTOR: About? MUM:

Fish fingers.

RICHARD: Gorillas. MUM:

You can do fish fingers.

RUPERT: MUM:

I’ll have chips.

There’s lots of oven chips.

DOCTOR: Yeah and that was good? RICHARD: I don’t know why I mention it. MUM:

I’ve made a stack of vegetable quiches.

RICHARD: It was just I didn’t notice her while I was watching it. MUM:

Vegetarian.

DOCTOR: Jade? RICHARD: I forgot that I didn’t like her. DOCTOR: Right. 65

RUPERT:

I made a stack of pancakes once.

RICHARD: Maybe we were both concentrating together on these gorillas. MUM:

You can have those.

DOCTOR: So she was enjoying watching the gorillas as well? MUM:

You can defrost them.

RICHARD: If enjoy is the right word. MUM:

You know how to defrost?

RICHARD: Certainly she was taken by them. RUPERT:

Defrost what?

RICHARD: So for the duration of the documentary we shared I think a kind of space. MUM:

You have to be careful.

RICHARD: Focus. MUM:

Don’t leave them too long to defrost.

RUPERT:

All right.

RICHARD: But as soon as the credits rolled it evaporated. Back to the…

66

MUM:

Eggs.

RICHARD: Whatever. MUM:

You can do eggs, can’t you?

RICHARD: What do you think? MUM:

You can do eggs.

DOCTOR: She really wants everyone to get on well together. RUPERT:

What, boiled egg?

RICHARD: Yes, but it’s for selfish reasons, isn’t it? MUM:

Pardon?

RICHARD: It’s for selfish reasons. MUM:

I’m broken.

RUPERT:

Scrambled egg? Fried egg?

RICHARD: I saw my mum in Russell Square. MUM:

Well that’s all right.

DOCTOR: She is in the long stay unit. MUM:

You have fried.

RICHARD: LSU. No.

67

MUM:

Actually fried is worse for you though. You can’t have fried. Mustn’t have fried. She starts belching. RICHARD: I was going to visit the late Margaret Drabble when I bumped into her in Russell Square. DOCTOR: Ok RICHARD: She’s a frog. DOCTOR: Right. RUPERT: MUM

What are you doing that for, Mum?

gets louder.

RICHARD: But then she was probably, you know, pumped up on various infusions. RUPERT: MUM

Oh stop it. You’re freaking me out now.

does more.

DOCTOR: Yes. Did she recognize you? RUPERT:

You’re freaking me out now Mum stop it. Stop it.

Mum. RICHARD: There was a glimmer, I think, of recognition in her face.

68

RUPERT: MUM:

It’s weird

I’m going away.

RUPERT:

Where to?

RICHARD: So I would say she did. MUM:

Are we going to tell Richard as well? Are we going to tell him? RUPERT:

No don’t tell him.

RICHARD: But it was more kind of a self-willed apparition, really. MUM: MUM

Because I have to go. I have to go.

exits.

enters, pauses and smiles at leaves again. MUM

RICHARD

DOCTOR: Did you talk to the apparition? MUM

enters.

MUM:

Daddy can look after you and um…

RICHARD: No. RUPERT: MUM:

No he can’t.

Why? 69

during this then

RUPERT:

He’s…he’s…’cos he’s crap.

RICHARD: Difficult to talk to a frog really. She just smiled at me and croaked a couple of times in the manner of the green frog, or lithobates clamitans, and then continued on her way. But when I turned round she’d gone. DOCTOR: MUM:

Right.

No, he can look after you.

RICHARD: Probably her way of saying RUPERT:

He’s not as good as you Mum.

RICHARD: She approved of me and what I’m doing. MUM:

He can look after you. He can make you things and look after you. RICHARD: Holding the family together. MUM:

And take you somewhere nice…

RUPERT: MUM:

…And… Zoo. Cinema.

RUPERT: MUM:

Really? Where?

Football?

Bowling.

RUPERT:

Football?

70

MUM:

Whatever you want. Football.

RUPERT: MUM:

Football.

Tennis. Yachting.

RICHARD: Especially now Rupert is gone. RUPERT: MUM:

Swimming.

RUPERT: MUM:

I want to go to football on Wednesday.

And on Saturday.

Judo. Karate.

RICHARD: Without me the edifice would crumble. DOCTOR: If your mother was here with us now… RUPERT:

Oh. Boring.

RICHARD: Pardon? DOCTOR: If your mother was here with us now what do you think she would say? MUM:

Whatever you want. / He’ll take you there. You don’t need me any more. Don’t need me any more. Don’t need me any more do you? Don’t need me any more. tears at the wall revealing it is transparent. The audience on each side see each other for the first time. MUM

71

RICHARD: I’m very happy with you Richard and the way you’ve turned out and looking after everyone, being a pillar of strength here and managing to do all that at the same time as carrying on with your writing work and turning it all into a brilliant play and so on and so on… DOCTOR: Yes. RICHARD: I think that’s what she’d say. Something along those lines. DOCTOR: Mmm. RICHARD: And I’d say “oh thank you Mum. Thank you very much. That’s very nice of you. I’m very well. I wish you’d come back and do your cooking again, the quiches, the flans and all that, the Mediterranean vegetables, yes, would be nice to have that all back…” Wall destruction stops. DOCTOR: That’s her saying that it would be nice to be back or that’s you saying… RICHARD: That’s me saying it would be nice. MUM:

(Banging her fists together repeatedly.) Mmmmm / mmmmmmmm DOCTOR: She’s capable of coming back / home and doing that? RUPERT:

What are you doing that for, Mum? Stop it. Stop it.

72

RICHARD: No. DOCTOR: No? MUM:

Mmm / mm

RICHARD: She won’t be the same again. RUPERT: MUM:

Look. Stop it. The doctor said.

I can’t stop.

RUPERT:

Stop it.

DOCTOR: What? MUM:

Can’t stop can’t stop can’t stop ah can’t stop / (Quietly.) Can’t stop can’t stop can’t stop I can’t stop I’ve got to get Richard I’ve got to get Richard (Going.) RUPERT:

Mum…

RICHARD: Have to accept she won’t be the same again. DOCTOR: I don’t know. End of Act One. Musical interlude while the two audiences switch sides. The dividing wall is repaired and the stage is reset as at the start of Act One.

73

ACT TWO – BETTY The day of the father’s re-marriage. This scene is visible to both audiences through the transparent walls of the room within the wall. DAD:

Er…

JADE:

There’s um…

DAD:

Pepperoni?

JADE:

Yeah. Double p?

DAD:

Yes of course. Um…

JADE:

Those balls with the chocolate and the…

DAD:

Guinness. Eight pack of Guinness.

JADE:

Those balls with the chocolate and the…

DAD:

Chocolate and the what?

JADE:

That cream and the chocolate.

DAD:

Praline (pron. pray line)?

JADE:

Praline (pron. pra lean) No, no.

DAD:

Um…Belgian.

RUPERT:

How come you’re getting stressed out?

74

DAD:

I’m not stressed out.

RUPERT:

You were, you –

DAD:

We’ve got to get it right, haven’t we, got to get it right. It’s not every day you get married. RUPERT:

For the second time.

DAD:

Who’s getting stressed out? You’ll make me stressed out if you talk like that. JADE:

Don’t forget to breathe.

DAD:

Um…you mean those…what do you call those things?

JADE:

You do know what I mean.

DAD:

Puffs.

JADE:

Yes. Puffs.

DAD:

Chocolate puffs.

JADE:

Chocolate puffs.

DAD:

Cream inside, isn’t it? Cream inside.

JADE:

What’s wrong with you?

RUPERT: DAD:

Can you get some beetroot?

What?

75

JADE:

What’s wrong with you?

DAD:

What’s wrong with me? We’ve got to do the reception properly, haven’t we? We’ve go to do the reception. RUPERT:

Dad, you start wobbling.

DAD:

Well we’ve got to do the reception properly…it’s… He hasn’t even met you before, has he? JADE:

Is that what you’re worried about?

DAD:

Yes, of course I’m worried about it.

JADE:

I’m not worried.

DAD:

Well I’m worried.

JADE:

I know, but if I’m not worried… Should I be worried?

DAD:

I don’t know. Be what you want to be.

JADE:

I don’t want to be worried. Do you want to be worried, Rupert? RUPERT: JADE:

I’m –

Do you want me to be worried?

RUPERT:

No, you’re fine.

JADE:

Do you want me to be worried, darling?

DAD:

No I don’t want you to be worried. 76

RUPERT:

Well what are you worried about? What are you both worried about? DAD:

Er…I don’t know. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. Forget it. I’m fine. Very relaxed. Pause. JADE:

Can we carry on with this?

DAD:

Yes, yes.

JADE:

So, chocolate puffs…I don’t think that’s the right word.

DAD:

No, it’s a French word, isn’t it, a French word.

JADE:

Yes, exactly.

DAD:

It’s a French word, isn’t it? You know the things. Croqueen-bouche. RUPERT:

Got some hashish, Dad.

JADE:

I can’t spell that. We’ll just get chocolate puffs.

DAD:

Hashish?

DAD’s

phone rings.

JADE:

Are you being all grown up? Are you showing off?

DAD:

Is that my phone?

JADE:

Yes. 77

DAD:

Whose phone is that?

JADE:

Er…

DAD:

Somebody’s phone’s going.

JADE:

What about the wedding breakfast?

DAD:

Er…

JADE:

There’s too much sugar here. Answer it. Answer it.

DAD:

I’m not answering that.

JADE:

It might be important.

DAD

picks up phone.

RICHARD DAD:

on phone in chair outside.

Hello.

RICHARD: DAD:

Yes?

RICHARD: DAD:

Dad.

It’s me. I’ve arrived at the station.

You want me to come and pick you up?

MUM:

(To RUPERT.) It’s your brother?

DAD:

(On phone.) Hmm? Pardon? Um…yes, I suppose I can. What, now? 78

RICHARD:

Yep. Yeah I’m here, if you want to…

DAD:

Right. Good, well just stay there. I’ll be along in five or ten minutes. RICHARD:

Yeah, I’ll see you soon.

DAD:

Right, right, right, right, right. Bye. Hmm.

JADE:

Was that Richard?

RUPERT:

Was that Richard?

DAD:

Yes, I’m going to pick Richard up. Richard. Richard. Richard. JADE:

Are you alright, darling?

DAD:

Yes I’m fine. So I’d better get going then. See you later.

JADE:

Are you worried?

DAD:

Bye bye. See you.

JADE:

I love that sound of the door.

DAD:

Love you as well.

exits and makes his way to the chair where RICHARD is sitting that represents the train station. He looks out for a train arriving. DAD

RUPERT:

Love you, Dad.

79

JADE:

I love that sound. It’s like music. It reminds me of him coming home. .

RUPERT:

Who?

JADE:

That sound. Your father. Come on, let’s finish this. Chocolate puffs. What else? Flowers? Crackers? RUPERT: JADE:

Richard really likes brie.

Brie.

stands and makes his way to the “house”. DAD sits in the empty chair. RICHARD

RUPERT:

He loves cheese. Buy lots of cheese for him. Any cheese. The red one. JADE:

Red cheese.

RUPERT: JADE:

The one with holes in.

Holes. What else does Richard like?

enters drunk and dressed as someone like Adolf Hitler behind JADE. RUPERT sees him. RICHARD

JADE:

I’m not going to try and replace your mum.

RUPERT: JADE

Don’t worry about it.

turns.

80

JADE:

Did you come the back way?

RICHARD: RUPERT:

Well, Dad didn’t show up so I just –

He’s supposed to have picked you up.

RICHARD:

Well, I didn’t see him there.

JADE:

You’re here! We’ve been waiting for you. I’ve got lots of cheese. RICHARD:

You’ve grown up a bit. How old are you, 14? Look at the size of you. JADE:

Because he’s a big boy.

RUPERT:

Dad’s gone to the station.

RICHARD: JADE:

Well where the fuck is he… Sorry. Where is he?

I’ll just call him. (Exits.)

RICHARD: RUPERT:

He wasn’t at the station.

Where’d you get your things?

RICHARD:

Gap.

RUPERT:

Hey – you’ve been filling yourself up. Look at the state of you. Look at your body. RICHARD: RUPERT:

Oh, ’cos you’re pumping, yeah? Pumping?

What do you do? 81

RICHARD:

I work at the thing so I get free food. Are we going to do the flags? Are we going to do the flags and things? Are we not going to do the flags? arrives (denoted by standing up and looking at the others dressed like a police officer or suchlike). DAD

DAD:

What’s he doing here then? What’s he doing here? What’s he doing here? JADE:

What do you mean? He lives here.

DAD:

Well, I went to pick up – he wasn’t there. What’s going

on? RICHARD: DAD:

I was there. I was there!

RICHARD: DAD:

You didn’t come.

I was waiting for half an hour.

I was there – waiting for you.

RICHARD:

Yeah but –

DAD:

You’re making a laughing stock of me.

JADE:

Nobody’s laughing at you.

RICHARD: DAD:

You’re taller than I…than I thought.

Taller than Mum?

82

RICHARD:

Yes.

DAD:

Well – don’t say anything inappropriate…

JADE:

Maybe I am taller than your mum.

RICHARD:

A lot younger as well. But you look like her. The younger her. JADE:

Er, would you like some cheese, Richard?

RICHARD:

Yes.

JADE:

What kind of cheese would you like? I’ve got red. I’ve got brie. RICHARD: JADE:

I don’t know how young it is.

RUPERT: JADE:

He doesn’t even like cheese.

What?

RUPERT:

He hates cheese.

RICHARD: JADE:

I’ll have holes. If Dad’s having some. Young holes.

I like cheese. Are we going to have flags then?

What for?

RICHARD:

We have flags on special occasions. We’re really patriotic. Where’s the flags? Rupert? RUPERT:

Not my department. 83

RICHARD:

Jade? What should I call you? We always have

flags. JADE:

A particular kind of flag?

RICHARD: JADE:

Like a British flag?

RICHARD: JADE:

Yes.

Yes.

Like a Union Jacky sort of…?

RICHARD:

Yes. That’s what we do. Or do you want to bring the flag of your country? Where you come from. JADE

exits.

RUPERT:

That. Is racist.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

That. Is racist.

RICHARD: DAD:

Trying to/

Look can we stop this?

RICHARD: DAD:

No, I’m just inviting.

/be friendly

You’ve offended her.

RUPERT:

Where’s she from?

84

RICHARD: RUPERT: DAD:

Tahiti or somewhere?

Rupert, sit up.

RUPERT:

Dad, I wish you’d just stop clucking around.

RICHARD: DAD:

How can we talk about something else?

Jus – sh – sh – sh shut up. (To RUPERT.) You as well.

RUPERT: DAD:

tries to speak.

Just shut up!

RUPERT: DAD:

No, where’s Jade from?

Shut up! Talk about something else.

RICHARD DAD:

Where is she from, Dad? Somewhere exotic?

Yes, anyway, let’s talk about something else.

RICHARD: DAD:

She’s maybe from one of the South Pacific islands.

You didn’t think to kind of let us into –

You and your big ears. Shut up.

Silence. DAD:

I’ve had enough of this. Already. Unpleasantness already. I mean we haven’t even started. I mean, come on. Get a grip.

85

DAD

sits.

DAD:

Right, so how’s it going, Richard, at University and all

that? RICHARD: DAD:

S’alright.

Yes?

enters dressed as another character from RICHARD’s psychoses, (perhaps a Flamenco toilet roll holder) and sits on DAD’s lap – they start groping each other. JADE

JADE:

How’s it going with, Marnie?

RUPERT:

Markie.

DAD:

Has he got a girlfriend?

JADE:

Yes, he has.

DAD:

Well, where is she? Where is she? Mm? Huhuhuhur.

RICHARD:

Fuck off.

leaves. DAD laughs again then leaves. RUPERT moves to and puts his hand on his shoulder to console him. They drink. JADE

RICHARD

RICHARD: RUPERT:

What’s all this touching thing that’s going on?

What’s wrong with touching?

86

RICHARD: RUPERT:

We can touch.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

Just you to mother. That’s all, isn’t it?

What?

RICHARD: RUPERT:

We’re not a close family.

We’re brothers.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

Come on, we’re not close, are we?

Mmmm.

What are you talking about?

RICHARD:

I actually found it quite offensive actually. You saying that. RUPERT:

What are you talking about?

RICHARD: RUPERT:

I never said that.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

Oh come on. Whole family knows.

When did I say this?

RICHARD: RUPERT:

You’re close. Saying that you’re closer to her.

You told the doctors that.

When?

87

RICHARD:

You told the doctors. Everybody knows that. Really offensive. Everyone finds it offensive. You saying that. RUPERT:

What doctors? When?

RICHARD: RUPERT:

That you were closer to her.

What doctors?

RICHARD:

You know, the doctors. You said to them. When they interviewed you…that you were closer… Enter JADE – more extreme costume than before. RUPERT:

When Mum went into the chronic ward?

RICHARD:

Yes, that you were closer to her than anyone else…

They notice JADE. Silence. JADE:

I’m going to do a supermarket shop later – is there anything you’d like? RICHARD: JADE:

Condoms.

Are you vegetarian?

RICHARD:

I think we need some incontinence pants for Rupert. Can you get a pack of incontinence pants for Rupert? RUPERT: DAD:

That’s Richard’s sense of humour.

(From off.) We’re not going to eat anything?

88

RICHARD:

Don’t you want to do the formalities first?

DAD:

(From off.) What? Drink? (DAD enters – dressed more extremely like JADE.) RICHARD:

I thought you were going to inform us about what’s

going on. DAD:

“What’s going on”?

JADE:

Our relationship. I think that’s a good idea.

DAD:

Well it’s obvious what’s going on, isn’t it? We don’t have to explain it. What’s going on with you? What’s going on with her? What’s going on with him? What’s going on with, er, the other one? Mm? RICHARD:

I just find it all a bit fast. Mum went to hospital in July. I went back to Uni in what? September. Next thing you’re getting married to this boatwoman. JADE

exits.

RICHARD:

Last time I was here Mum was here doing Mediterranean roasted vegetables. DAD:

Well, she’s not here any more, is she? You know. Life – things – things change. RICHARD: DAD:

How can you do that?

What?

89

RICHARD:

Well act like that? This is our mum you’re talking

about. DAD:

What?

RICHARD: DAD:

You know that thing that went on the…um…the…

The front door?

RICHARD:

No. On the toilet roll. The doll that went on the toilet roll. Have you taken it off? Betty. DAD:

I didn’t touch Betty!

RUPERT:

Mum’s got it.

RICHARD: DAD:

Mum must have got Dotty. Betty.

RICHARD: DAD:

As in Mum-mum? Mum-mum?

Mummummumm

RICHARD: DAD:

I gave you that for your anniversary.

We can ask Mum if she’s got Betty, can’t we?

Mum’s in…not here. What do you mean ask her?

RUPERT:

She’s all right. That’s the important thing. She’s

happy. DAD:

Look I don’t think this is really appropriate somehow.

90

enters – dressed as another extreme character projected by RICHARD. JADE

JADE:

I think it is.

DAD:

Hmm?

JADE:

I think it is, Graham.

DAD:

Well I’m sorry, Jade, but…I mean he’s stirring all this stuff up. JADE:

Graham, this is his house.

DAD:

It’s not his house. It’s my house.

RICHARD:

Well, I don’t have a room here any more apparently. My room has apparently become a yoga mat. DAD:

Well, you’re never here.

JADE:

Yes – but there’s still a bed in there. You can still sleep

there. RICHARD:

Yes, but where are all my things? Where’s my Nabokov collection? My Virginia Woolf? My silver poets of the seventeenth century? Huh? This is my home. I’ve got work to do on the implications of modernism. Where’s my stuff? JADE:

It’s in your bedroom. It’s just tucked away. Tidily. It’s better. Did you not get an email? No?

91

RICHARD: JADE:

Nobody’s told me anything.

Maybe your email account is not working.

RICHARD:

Well why didn’t you Facebook me? Just Facebook

me. RUPERT:

You’re not my friend on Facebook. You said you didn’t want the family on Facebook. You said it’s bad enough. “I don’t want my family on Facebook.” That’s weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. RICHARD

run outs.

DAD:

Oh where’s he going now then?

JADE:

I don’t know.

DAD:

Wasting his time.

RICHARD

comes back in with a toilet roll.

RICHARD:

Where’s Betty?

There is no response, so he holds up the toilet roll as if it was his mum. RICHARD:

Where’s Betty, Mum? Have you got Betty? The toilet roll cover. (As MUM.) I dreamt your father’s girlfriend put it in the dark. And Richard… Richard. (Looks meaningfully at RUPERT.) RUPERT:

What’s that look about?

92

RICHARD:

(As MUM.) What are you doing? There’s a woman here. Says she’s Dad’s wife. RICHARD

gets up and goes out to look for BETTY.

RUPERT:

(Also transformed into a grotesque character from psychosis.) She doesn’t talk like that.

RICHARD’s DAD:

How do you know that?

RUPERT:

I visited her.

RICHARD

rummaging off stage.

JADE:

(To DAD.) Okay?

DAD:

I didn’t know he’d been.

enters and bangs BETTY (a knitted toilet roll cover) down, making everyone jump. RICHARD

RICHARD:

Why isn’t this on the toilet roll?

Silence. RICHARD:

Did you take that off the toilet roll? Betty minds the toilet roll. Silence. JADE:

It’s just that she looked so old and tattered. I can knit you a new one.

93

RICHARD: RUPERT:

Is that what they do where you’re from?

Don’t rise to him.

RICHARD:

In the Marrion Islands, is it? In the Marrion Islands they do this – it’s tradition. There’s an ancient tradition. Silence. RICHARD:

(To JADE.) I don’t object to you and dad. I just think maybe you’re a bit young. JADE:

How old would you like me to be, Richard? What’s your perfect age? RICHARD:

For me?

JADE:

For your dad? For a woman that you think would be good enough for your dad? RICHARD:

Just someone like near his age. Not like more like my age. More like his age. JADE:

Why would that be important to you?

RICHARD:

It’s exploitative, isn’t it? He’s just come over to your country and said I’ve got loads of money, I live in the West, come and live with me. JADE:

Of course it’s not like that.

94

RICHARD:

Isn’t it? You see him staying in a hotel. It costs five times your annual salary to live there. You’re not seduced by that? JADE:

Richard.

RICHARD:

It’s genuine love, is it?

JADE:

I absolutely love your father. I’m a doctor. I’ve got my own career. RICHARD:

You’re a doctor, are you? Could you have a look at Mum then, doctor. Doctor Jade? See what’s wrong with Mum? JADE:

I’m not that kind of doctor.

RICHARD:

What kind of doctor are you?

JADE:

I’m a gynaecologist. So unless there’s something wrong with her vag I won’t be very useful. RICHARD:

I’m not a gynaecologist but I’m happy to take a

look. JADE

exits.

RICHARD:

If you want me to look at your vag I’ll see what I

can do. Pause.

95

RICHARD:

This prostitute who lives over the way she actually had her appendix out. I said oh, how’s your appendices going? She said oh, it’s alright. I’m fine. Now I’ll be able to make a bit on the side. Make a bit on the side, Rupert. You know. Like where her appendix came out. RUPERT:

I’ve stopped listening to you.

RICHARD:

She’s a doctor. I thought she’d like that kind of humour. Mum would like it. DAD:

Well she’s not here.

Pause. RICHARD:

Come on, Dad, have some fun. Party. Family. Happy times. It’s your wedding day. DAD

exits. The boys resume their argument and drinking.

RUPERT:

I never said that.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

I never said that. What are you touching me for?

RICHARD: RUPERT:

Because you…are…you are the one who said it.

I did not say that.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

I really find actually find that offensive.

Yes you did.

I did not say that.

96

RICHARD: RUPERT:

What are you coming out with this stuff for?

RICHARD: RUPERT:

What goes around come around.

What is your problem?

RICHARD: RUPERT:

Oh yes. Everyone knows.

Your problem.

No, your problem.

RICHARD:

You’re the one who’s uptight all these years, kept it all to yourself. Everyone knows what you said behind everyone’s back. Just your way, isn’t it, behind people’s backs. RUPERT:

No, I don’t do that behind backs.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

Oh yes.

I do not do that.

RICHARD:

Well that’s what people can see, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Rupert. RUPERT:

You are making that up. You’re making that up you stupid prick. exits. RICHARD follows. Offstage RUPERT steps back into a busy road without looking. A truck screeches but it can’t stop and RUPERT

97

hits him. Bang. His body is flung into the path of another vehicle. More screeching. Bang. Enter JADE and DAD dressed normally again. JADE:

What was that noise?

RICHARD

comes running in as a Messenger.

MESSENGER: JADE:

Where is the mother? Where is the mother?

I’m the stepmother.

MESSENGER:

I have news to break your heart.

Music plays and the characters go off to view the death scene one at a time, each returning with head in bloodied hands. Blackout. End of Act Two.

98

ACT THREE – CLARITY FOUR VOICES:

We are a polyphony of voices.

We are who we are because We listen to all voices in the group And adhere to basic principles. Tolerance of uncertainty is one. A new approach to psychiatric care’s emerged In which the basic elements of dialogue Can lead to healing or, If you don’t like that word, To positive change. What we want to do is Open up the boundaries And integrate family perspectives Into psychotherapy. PART A – FROZEN SPERM A psychiatric unit in the present.

99

DOCTOR

sits facing audience. Long silence.

DOCTOR:

You seem very quiet today.

RICHARD

enters with a knife.

RICHARD: I’ve learned to do pasta. Do you want pasta? RUPERT: No. MUM: I’ve made fish pie. RICHARD: Er mum. I’m vegetarian. RUPERT: So am I. MUM: Fish is fine. RICHARD: No, I’m not a pescatarian. I’m a vegetarian. MUM: Oh fuckatarian. Fuckashitearian. RICHARD: Verging on being a vegan. MUM: You used to have sausages three times a day. RICHARD: I was growing up. I didn’t know what I was then, but now I know. I’m a vegetarian vegan fiction / writer. RUPERT: Wanker. MUM: Ok. So you’re vegetarian, you’re vegan, vegetarian. RUPERT: I’m vegetarian as well. 100

MUM: And you’ve got a girlfriend. RICHARD: Marnie. She’s coming next week. She’s vegetarian as well. But I can cook for us. RUPERT: Her name’s Mark. MUM: What do you mean, Mark? RICHARD: Her name is Marnie. RUPERT: He’s a nice girl, isn’t he? RICHARD: He’s just jealous. DOCTOR:

Nothing?

RICHARD: Yes. All my meals, I can make them in ten minutes. RUPERT: Don’t point the knife. RICHARD: What? RUPERT: Don’t point the knife at Mum. RICHARD: What are you going to do? Kill us with a big sharp knife? MUM: Well actually I would love to do that. Maybe at Christmas.

101

RICHARD: Are you going to kill everyone at Christmas dinner? MUM: With a machete. RICHARD: Why don’t you do it now? Just get it over with. Cut my heart out with a knife. RUPERT

signals to put it away

RICHARD

takes the knife out.

RICHARD

appears in the clinic with the knife.

DOCTOR

takes the knife from him and sends him back.

RICHARD

exits.

MUM: I’ve had enough of this bollocks. I’m not mad here. What are you talking about? You have to shut up because you’re twelve and you don’t know what you’re talking about. RUPERT: I’m twelve. RICHARD

enters.

MUM: He’s completely been manipulated by his father and that’s the situation. Just go. I’ve had enough. RUPERT: I’m twelve. DOCTOR:

You seem to have a rather fanciful picture of psychotherapy.

102

RUPERT: She thinks I’m twelve. MUM: I’m red. RUPERT: This is what happens. She thinks I’m twelve. MUM: Well how old are you? RUPERT: She thinks I’m twelve. MUM: Unbelievable. You give life to these creatures and then they bite you. DOCTOR:

It involves you sitting there, smiling sometimes, saying nothing, or very little, and me sitting here watching you, wondering what you’re thinking. MUM: I have to go. RUPERT: Where are you going? MUM: They’ve asked me to go in for a little conversation. DOCTOR:

I’m not sure how I can help you really.

RUPERT: Can I come? RICHARD: No you can’t. MUM: They’ll get your brain. They’ll get your brain as well. RICHARD: You need to stay here.

103

MUM: I forgot to tick that box saying I do not wish to receive emails. I thought it meant tick this box if you do want to receive emails. RICHARD: It’s an easy mistake to make. MUM: And they get you. RICHARD: Just unsubscribe. MUM: No, they’ve got my phone number. RUPERT: This is all about emails? MUM: They’ve got my phone number. RUPERT: Block the email. MUM: No, it was on a website. RUPERT: Block it. MUM: A website for MFI. RUPERT: Delete it. RUPERT

starts playing with something.

DOCTOR

posts a letter.

RICHARD reads it. RICHARD: So who signed this?

104

RUPERT: Don’t go online. RICHARD: Why did he sign this? MUM: I just did it because I knew that it was the only way to keep them away from us. RICHARD: I might just go up to my room because I’ve got to do a lot of work while I am here. MUM: Well I’m planning to have dinner at 7.30 if somebody’s going to show up. DOCTOR:

Ok, well if you’re not prepared or not ready to talk then perhaps I’ll talk. RICHARD: Yes, I’ll just sort my papers out. DOCTOR:

I don’t know how you’d feel about that.

RICHARD:

I think that’s the defining characteristic of being serious as a writer. And in essence that’s what I am. exits.

RICHARD DOCTOR:

Yes, perhaps I can tell you a bit about myself and what I’m going through. DOCTOR

looks out of the window. RICHARD enters.

RICHARD:

I had to write something down.

105

RUPERT: (Stops playing what he was playing.) Mum, I’m hungry. I’m hungry, Mum. (Starts playing again.) DOCTOR:

I’m just concerned. You’ve mentioned that the Nobel Peace Prize is coming your way. RICHARD:

Literature. There is a rumour I might be getting the Peace Prize as well. It’s not unfeasible. MUM: This is like the last supper without the supper. DOCTOR:

Have you been nominated for one?

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

Well you know all about that, don’t you?

No.

MUM: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel really… This is very silly… existence, really. The haunted house. Two children. Dracula and the husband. (She echoes this last phrase until her next line.) RICHARD:

I’ve heard…I assumed other people…I’ve heard through my writer friends. They’ve all been talking about it – is Richard finally going to get it? DOCTOR:

And will you?

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

I think possibly I am.

Are these local friends?

106

RICHARD:

Well that depends on the whole patina of association. MUM: What is this all about? Come on. You’re young. RUPERT: (Stops playing.) I don’t know. MUM: And clever. RUPERT: I’m not clever. Shut up. MUM: Oh you are clever, come on. RUPERT: I’m not. leaves to find some peace taking away whatever he was playing with. RUPERT

RICHARD:

If you’re looking at the Jungian sense of anima certainly in the way it has infiltrated (A man enters the clinic – DoctoR ushers him out.) the deeper recesses of my work then maybe…locality…you can look at. There are a trillion instances of, you know, characters and more farfetched creations who’ve become interlocked with whatever’s going on. Certainly in the protagonist’s mind. RUPERT

comes back in.

RUPERT:

I want dinner. I’m really hungry. Well I’m going to have a sandwich or something because I’m starving. MUM:

No, don’t spoil your appetite, please.

107

DOCTOR:

Are some of your works published that I might be able to read? RICHARD: DOCTOR:

Most of it’s under aliases.

Which ones?

RICHARD:

Most of Nabokov’s work is mine. Edna O’Brien I’ve written. The output’s huge – prodigious. There’s a plethora of different nom de plumes. RUPERT:

Well if you’re not going to make it for me – (He gets

up.) MUM: It’s going to be at 7.30, I said. It’s all in the oven. RUPERT sits down. DOCTOR:

What would your reason for using them be? These nom de plumes? RICHARD: DOCTOR:

It’s play.

Play?

RICHARD:

It’s a big playground. (He strips off his clothes, throws them over the wall and lies down on the floor.) RUPERT: What are we having? What are we having? What are we having? MUM: I made…oh come on.

108

RUPERT: Hmm? What? MUM: I made what you like. A special dish for you and for your brother. RUPERT: Ok what is it? MUM: Ok, I made this Mediterranean roasted vegetables. RUPERT: Say it again. RICHARD:

The world’s a playground. A sea in which to splash

about. MUM: Mediterran-ean roas-ted vege-ta-bles. RUPERT: All right, all right. RICHARD:

I’m antisocial, first person to admit that. It couldn’t be otherwise. As Nabokov said, writing’s about not getting out of the house. MUM: And then…cooked with butter, which is nice, in the oven. RUPERT: Butter. And? MUM: Paprika and all of that. And then I made a…I made a…what’s it called? DOCTOR:

What about the Nobel Prize? How did you find out about that?

109

MUM: Fish pie. The fish pie. RUPERT: MUM:

You’re making me feel hungry now.

It’s all in the oven. It’s not ready.

MUM goes to check the ‘oven’. MUM

enters the clinic. DOCTOR ushers her out.

RUPERT:

(To MUM.) What?

RICHARD:

I hear about it mostly on the net. There’s various bits of pockets of cyber gossip. Various names associated with mine. MUM

enters.

MUM:

You see, I had something else in mind.

RUPERT:

What?

DOCTOR:

I’m not sure how much of this is true.

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

I expect you to tell me the truth.

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

I’m a fiction writer. What do you expect?

Which truth?

About what happened when your brother died.

110

MUM: I thought we were going to sit down and have a little chat about your brother, you and your dad, but look at me, I’m here on my own like an asshole as usual. RICHARD: DOCTOR:

Can I go home now?

No.

RUPERT: What do you want to chat about? MUM: I don’t know. As a family you go around a table and – RUPERT: Yes but what’s the subject? MUM: Well, us. What we’re doing. What we’re doing. RUPERT: What we’re doing in what sense? DOCTOR:

You see, I’m not convinced. I think that you want to get out but you don’t necessarily want to get better. RICHARD

exits.

RUPERT: What are you talking about? RICHARD comes back in. RICHARD: Excuse me. MUM: What? RICHARD: Where’s my room? MUM: What do you mean where’s / your room 111

RICHARD: Where’s my room gone? DOCTOR:

(Rehearsing his next conference presentation on the legacy of R.D. Laing.) “I see you and you see me.” RUPERT: (Laughs.) You didn’t tell him yet? MUM: Oh… RICHARD

gets dressed in the clothes he threw over the wall.

DOCTOR:

“I experience you and you experience me.” This is R.D. Laing. “I see your behaviour. You see my behaviour. But I do not and never have and never will see your experience of me.” RICHARD: Where’s my Nabokov collection? Where’s my stuff? MUM: Oh yes actually… RICHARD: What have you done? MUM: No. Hang on. Yes, ok, let me explain. Your room…erm um… well (etc. until next line.) DOCTOR:

“Just as you cannot see my experience of you. My experience of you is not inside me. It is simply you as I experience you. And I do not experience you as inside me. Similarly you do not experience me as inside you.” MUM: Well, that was your room when you left like nine months ago.

112

RUPERT: She’s using it for massage. MUM: No it’s just like because I’m…I’ve been kind of having this treatment so we need a kind of special bed and everything so I moved everything that belonged to you, the toys and train and all of that, train station, the Lego, all of that, I moved it into…the storage room / and so (Trailing into next line.) DOCTOR:

“My experience of you is just another form of words for ‘you as I experience you’ and ‘your experience of me’ equals ‘me as you experience me’. ” MUM: if you can sleep in the couch… DOCTOR:

“Your experience of me is not inside you.”

MUM: Yes. (Hearing a voice from outside and shouting to it.) Who’s that? RUPERT: Mm. Anyway… RICHARD: Er no. I’m not happy to sleep on the sofa. DOCTOR:

“My experience of you is invisible to you.”

RICHARD: Why can’t I sleep in his room? MUM: Yes, ok. RUPERT: Hello.

113

RICHARD: Oh actually no, I don’t want to sleep in a crackly bed. RUPERT: Good. Good. DOCTOR:

“I cannot experience your experience.”

MUM: Sleep in my room. RUPERT: Sleep on a crackly sofa instead. Sleep with your mum then. MUM: Sleep between your dad and I. DOCTOR:

“You cannot experience my experience.”

MUM: Anyway there’s nothing going on there. I’m really sorry but you have to understand because you’re going to be away for four years at university / right? RUPERT: Mnum/universitymnurrmnurr DOCTOR:

“We are both invisible.”

MUM: Is it true? DOCTOR:

“We are both invisible.”

RICHARD: Yes but I’ll be back. DOCTOR:

“I do not experience your experience but I experience you as experiencing. I experience myself as experienced by you.”

114

RICHARD: I’ve got work to do on the implications of modernism when I come back. MUM: I understand. RICHARD: You want me to stay up in college all the time? MUM: No, no, no, no. I mean stay there but come back or just go somewhere else. DOCTOR:

“And I experience you as experiencing yourself as experienced by me”…I’ll draw it. (He does.) RICHARD: What work are you doing on this bed? MUM: I need to get…look, I’m sorry…I’ve got all this big stuff going on. I don’t know any more what’s going on so I need to be looked after. It’s just like a very mild treatment I’m…oh fuck’s sake. Anyway I should have told you. I thought we mentioned that…no, we didn’t talk to you…? RICHARD: Nobody’s told me anything. MUM: Through an email? No? Maybe your email account is not working. RUPERT: Well, tell him now then. RICHARD: Well why didn’t you Facebook me? Just Facebook me. (Stands behind RUPERT.)

115

RUPERT: You’re not my friend on Facebook. You said you didn’t want the family on Facebook. You said it’s bad enough… RICHARD: Ok well you can still message me. (Touches RUPERT’s phone, spoiling it.) RUPERT: “I don’t want my family on Facebook”. That’s weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. RUPERT

exits.

A male patient enters the clinic. DOCTOR:

Once this is all demystified in this way

MUM: Anyway… RICHARD: So how’s this work going then? Are you in there all the time? When are you in there? What work are you doing? DOCTOR:

(Referring to the male patient.) You can see that… Some people experience themselves and others in ways that are strange and incomprehensible to most people. MUM: Sorry? DOCTOR:

Including themselves.

RICHARD: I went to a yoga class. I got injured. MUM: This is because you’re too pushy.

116

RICHARD: No. It was the instructor who made me do it. The instructor ripped my adductor. MUM: This is very unusual. RICHARD: Yes. MUM: You like this kind of extreme sport. RICHARD: No. Base-jumping.

Extreme

sport

is

mountaineering.

DOCTOR:

And if that person’s experience becomes visible to broader society then broader society is liable to diagnose you as subject to a condition called Schizophrenia. MALE

patient exits.

RUPERT

enters and sits down.

RICHARD: (Exiting to the toilet.) Base-jumping is safer than yoga. Statistically speaking there are less injuries…ok, there’s occasionally a death. RICHARD:

(From off.) Oh my God, someone’s been to the toilet, the toilet’s stunk out Mum. DOCTOR/MUM:

Yeah?

RUPERT: Shut up DOCTOR/MUM:

Open the window!

117

RICHARD:

(From off.) Can’t. Need a gas mask mum.

RUPERT: What is the toilet for? Stinky shit hey hey. DOCTOR/MUM:

Open the window!

MUM: It’s unbelievable. It’s obvious that the shit smells. It’s kinda

obvious…what are you looking… RICHARD

enters.

DOCTOR:

Did you just call me mum?

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

She’s not my real mum.

How?

RICHARD:

They’re not my real parents. I had my origins in frozen sperm. RICHARD

exits.

RICHARD

enters.

RICHARD:

(From off.) Where’s Dad?

RUPERT: He didn’t want to see you…he’s gone to the pub instead. RICHARD

exits.

RICHARD

enters.

DOCTOR:

You’re wondering if your dad’s here? 118

MUM: Who said that? (To RUPERT, normal.) RUPERT: Yes, better things to do. RICHARD:

I went to primary school and I was taken away from it because I (Loud.) had a few pints and drove the car. DOCTOR:

Is that what you did?

RICHARD:

I had the opposite of learning difficulties. I mean I had an unnaturally high IQ and became a member of Mensa when I was five years old. I was picked on because of my intelligence. RICHARD

exits.

RICHARD

enters.

RICHARD: Anyway how are you Mum? What’s up? RUPERT: She’s fine. She’s fine. RICHARD

exits.

RICHARD

enters.

RICHARD: DOCTOR

So I had to sit special exams.

starts to drift off.

MUM: I’m fine. Just a bit…I don’t know. It’s such a thing.

119

RICHARD:

In different rooms to the other kids and it wasn’t a good environment for an unnaturally bright young boy to be nurtured in and to flourish. MUM: Everybody’s here all of a sudden… (Running on. High anxiety.) RICHARD:

So I had to be taken away from it.

MUM: …I spend a lot of time on my own. RICHARD:

Educated at home by a series of tutors.

MUM: Because your father goes out to do whatever and always…/ RICHARD:

Most of whom – in fact all of whom – were inferior in intelligence to me. MUM: But he’s busy, busy with his… RICHARD:

And since that time I’ve made leaps and bounds in my self-education. DOCTOR

wakes up and stands up.

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

What are you doing?

Me?

RUPERT: I’m in my room. I’m in my room doing my things. I’ve got things to do in my room.

120

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

Making the sheets crackly?

No I don’t do that.

RUPERT: Oh shut up. MUM: I’m lost. RICHARD:

Oh I feel as crusty as an adolescent boy’s pyjamas.

RUPERT: Oh I’ve heard it before, heard it all before. DOCTOR:

Is this interesting for you? Talking to me?

MUM: You know what it’s like. Today I feel really confused. RICHARD:

If you’ve got the kind of super intelligence that I have you’re interested in everything. MUM: There’s a lot of people moving around. Everyone still for a moment. DOCTOR:

Did you ever meet anyone of similar intelligence to yourself? RICHARD:

There was a woman. Who came to the house just after we moved here. MUM: I’m not used to this. Anyway don’t get me wrong. I’m so, so happy to see you.

121

RICHARD:

She was a kind of supervisory figure. And we had a

rapport. RUPERT: Me? RICHARD:

Sparks were flying.

RUPERT: Happy to see Richard? RICHARD:

So what are we going to do? Any plans?

MUM: We’re waiting for your dad to come back eventually. DOCTOR:

No plans.

RICHARD:

I was thinking a walk maybe.

RUPERT: A walk? DOCTOR:

A walk?

RICHARD:

Do you want to do a walk?

RUPERT: In the country? DOCTOR:

In the country?

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

Yes.

Yes.

RUPERT: I don’t like it, no. RICHARD:

Let’s go and do a walk. Sing a few songs. 122

RUPERT: It’s not a very nice day, is it? RICHARD:

Doesn’t matter. Just get out and get some air. I want to see the land. I want to connect to the land. RUPERT: All nettles and cowpats and gnats. What’s nice about that? RICHARD:

What we need to do is get two handfuls of earth from where you’re from and smell it. MUM: A bit like Dracula. Dracula was from Ireland originally. DOCTOR:

That would be something.

RICHARD:

I’ve got a lot of freedom in my mind because my mind is, as I told you, spectacularly large. RUPERT: Oh bollocks. RICHARD:

I do what the survivors do.

MUM: Yes he was. RICHARD:

I retain my dignity.

RUPERT: Rubbish. RICHARD:

No matter what they do to me I’ve got the freedom of my intelligence.

123

MUM: Oh for goodness’ sake. I’m telling you he was from Ireland and he became Dracula because there was a plague or something. RUPERT: What’s this got to do with anything? RICHARD:

She lost her mind.

MUM: Hang on. DOCTOR:

Who?

RICHARD:

Mum.

MUM: They were pushing people into a graveyard and they would be dying. RUPERT: What are we having for tea? MUM: Can you hang on? A bit of respect to your mum. DOCTOR:

Mum?

MUM: Right. So these people – RUPERT: I just want to know what we’re having for tea. RICHARD:

It was during those visits I made or perhaps before from university. RUPERT: Where did Dracula come out of this?

124

RICHARD:

When I was doing my doctorate, aged nine. A kind of reluctance on her part to let go. DOCTOR:

Of? (Repeat as needed in next paragraph.)

MUM: Those guys, real people being buried alive in Ireland, (‘of?’) many years ago, these alive people would come out at night to take revenge on the killers. (‘of?’) The story comes from that… (Running on.) RICHARD:

Just about everything.

MUM: (Continuing.) That was replaced in Whitby and Transylvania, isn’t it? But all of that is fictionalised. The real story comes from there. Dracula was an Irish man. RICHARD:

I miss her food, compared to the hospital rubbish we

get. MUM: Yes and that’s why he brings the earth with him… (Running on.) DOCTOR:

The food here?

MUM: (Continuing.) …because in fact they were buried alive, these people were buried alive. You understand? So we can go out, sorry, all of this…what? What are we talking about? RICHARD:

The land. This fictional realm peopled by members of the medical profession. MUM: Oh yes. All of that is fictionalised.

125

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

She’s made me ill too.

It’s the gene that makes you flip.

RICHARD:

I’m a grown man now. I’ve got a life. A private life and anyway… MUM: It probably implies some kind of sexual. DOCTOR:

What?

RICHARD: RUPERT:

They weren’t my real parents.

He’s got a penis.

RICHARD:

I had my origins in frozen sperm.

MUM: Does he? RUPERT: Probably. MUM: Oh come on! MUM

exits with plate.

Enter MUM – DOCTOR evicts her. RICHARD:

Before the Russians got hold of his body and burned it, someone had the foresight to freeze and thus preserve some of the Führer’s ejaculate. A number of years later it was defrosted and injected into an egg that had issued from a female, and I was the result of this combination. This is why my hair is parted on the left side as opposed to the right.

126

Interlude. PART B – ALISON DOCTOR

takes a phone call from his wife.

DOCTOR:

I have to take this sorry.

RICHARD

exits.

RICHARD

enters.

RUPERT: He’s got a penis. DOCTOR:

Hello? Sorry?

RUPERT: He’s got a penis. He’s got a penis. (Like a schoolyard taunt repeated as needed.) DOCTOR:

I know he’s got a school trip tomorrow.

RICHARD: Yes and I use it for its intended natural purpose. RUPERT: Penis. DOCTOR:

Yeah I know but it’s just –

RUPERT: With your gay boyfriend you mean? DOCTOR:

We can still have a nice evening together.

RICHARD: Urinating. RUPERT: Penis. 127

DOCTOR:

We can go and get ice cream.

RUPERT: He’s got a gay penis. DOCTOR:

I don’t just give him ice creams.

RICHARD: You’re projecting onto me. I’ve learned about this. What you do is you project all your problems. DOCTOR:

It’s not too late.

RICHARD: It’s called pop psychology. DOCTOR:

I just have him one time a week.

RICHARD: What you do is DOCTOR:

Why am I late?

RICHARD: You project everything you’re worried about onto / another person DOCTOR:

Because of work.

RUPERT: Yes, well, what goes around comes around. DOCTOR:

Work is not more important than Ben.

RUPERT: What goes around comes around. DOCTOR:

No. Come on.

RUPERT: I’m only joking.

128

DOCTOR:

Yes I know you do that with Ben all week. I’m not prioritising work over Ben. RUPERT: (To RICHARD.) Why are you looking at me like that? DOCTOR:

(Loud.) Why?

RICHARD: (To RUPERT.) Do what? DOCTOR:

He’s my son as well.

RICHARD: Go on, go to your room and have a crank. DOCTOR:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

RICHARD: Go on, I want to have a word with Mum. DOCTOR:

I don’t believe it.

RUPERT: Don’t worry, I’m going. I don’t want to sit here anyway listening to your bollocks. DOCTOR: MUM

I do want to see him. Of course I want to see him.

enters.

RUPERT: (Exiting.) Bye. Bye. Bye. RUPERT

exits.

A male patient enters ranting “I don’t want to sit here – what’s for dinner – I’m hungry” over and over again. DOCTOR:

Good morning. 129

DOCTOR

administers drugs.

RICHARD: I’ve got a girlfriend, Mum. MUM: Do you? RICHARD: Yes, and I was thinking maybe I could bring her home just to show you. MUM: Yes. I’d be really delighted to meet your girlfriend. RICHARD: Really? MUM: Yes, yes. What’s her name? RICHARD: Marnie. MUM: Marnie. Ok. RICHARD: You’re not going to guess this right. Not only did she used to be a man but her surname is the same as ours. MUM: So it’s not by any chance that she’s related to us? Because that would be wrong. RICHARD: No, no. Actually I don’t know, but I don’t think so. You’d have to go a long way back. There’s plenty of us, you know. MUM: I’m very, very open-minded. RICHARD: So I’ll bring her back next week.

130

MUM: Yes ok. Shirley – (Correcting herself.) Marnie. I’m going to get you a cigar. RICHARD: I’ll get one. MUM: That would be nice. RICHARD

exits.

Male patient exits. MUM: Because we need to celebrate Marnie coming. RICHARD

enters.

RICHARD:

I was contacted by Bletchley Park. MI6 wanted to employ me. There was no way I could have done it. Can you imagine me working for MI6. Where would I stay? I still get proposals. RUPERT MUM:

comes back in.

Where is your dad?

DOCTOR:

You still get proposals?

RICHARD:

Bletchley Park, MI6, Al-Qaeda contacted me through the internet. So, you can imagine. MUM:

Chatting up the nurses.

RUPERT:

(To MUM.) All right. (He wants to get back to his game.) What’s the matter with you?

131

DOCTOR:

Imagine what, sorry?

MUM: I discovered this concentrated lemon thing RICHARD:

How it would all have collapsed.

MUM: I was going to tell you about my… What do you mean “what’s the matter with me”? RUPERT: I don’t want to know. DOCTOR:

The night your brother died. The night of your father’s re-marriage. MUM: Oh come on. RICHARD:

Not sure I want to go there.

MUM: Anyway I’m going to tell you. DOCTOR:

Too much?

RUPERT: I’m going to go back to my room. RICHARD:

We shared a lot of things.

MUM: It feels like there are several families in this family. DOCTOR:

You and your dad?

RICHARD:

Rupert.

RUPERT: (In response to RICHARD.) What?

132

MUM: The concept of unity is kind of very loose. RICHARD:

I think love died some time ago, but there’s a strong fraternal bond, regardless of the love and its absence. RUPERT: Well there are ghosts in this house. This house is haunted. MUM: There aren’t ghosts. It’s a happy house. RICHARD:

Not quite sure what you’re getting at.

RUPERT: The people we bought it off. They said it was haunted, didn’t they? MUM: Don’t exist. DOCTOR:

I was just –

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

Fishing.

Looking around for triggers that might –

RICHARD:

What about your triggers?

RUPERT: They wanted us to think it was haunted so that we would buy it. DOCTOR:

What about my triggers?

MUM: Ooooooh. DOCTOR:

Yes – I have my triggers. / The point is…

133

RUPERT: Actually we managed to get the price knocked down because of that. RICHARD:

It doesn’t really help.

MUM: Who told you that? DOCTOR:

If you can let them go without firing.

RUPERT: It was the estate agent, wasn’t it? DOCTOR:

We could look at what the trigger is.

RUPERT: When we got this place. MUM: Ok. DOCTOR:

Fix the hole in the roof not just put a bucket to catch the drips. RUPERT: They said it’s haunted. RICHARD:

I’ve got a hole in my roof?

MUM: Lying. DOCTOR:

A trauma let’s say – it can be something that arises from stress. RUPERT: They were trying to make it sound characterful. DOCTOR:

And stress can be…

MUM: Just because it’s in the middle of nowhere. 134

DOCTOR:

Living in the middle of nowhere, leaving home, getting divorced, going on holiday… RUPERT: Get a priest to exorcise the house. DOCTOR:

Sorry, I haven’t had lunch so I’m feeling a bit lightheaded. RUPERT: Did you do that, Mum? Did you have it exorcised? RICHARD:

That’s the end of the session?

MUM: I always wondered what that tickling was in the night. RUPERT

laughs at this.

DOCTOR:

No. (Taking pills.) This is a bit hypocritical but what I have for you RUPERT: We could exorcise it now (Starts beat boxing.) RICHARD:

I don’t want drugs.

MUM: There is nothing to laugh about. DOCTOR:

I am obliged to offer you, I should say, is Clozapine.

MUM: I feel you’re taking the piss of me. Where’s Richard? RICHARD:

I’ve got my drug already.

RUPERT: Upstairs.

135

RICHARD:

I’ve got my intellect. I don’t need anything that creates a fog around that. DOCTOR:

A colleague of mine – we did a training course together on a system that has practically eradicated schizophrenia in errr…in Western Lapland, and it hardly uses any drugs – just talking. I try and do it a bit, but anyway, my friend, he got struck off. RICHARD:

Why?

DOCTOR:

The CMD (commission on medical discipline) claimed he was harming his patients because he wasn’t prescribing the anti-psychotics that the pharma(ceutical) companies (who sponsor everyone on the CMD board, and the APS and pretty much everyone) want them to sell. This is one of their pens. RUPERT: (Stopping beat boxing.) What’s for dinner? DOCTOR:

Pardon?

RUPERT: What’s for dinner? RICHARD:

I didn’t say anything.

MUM: For you a fantastic vegan pasta. RUPERT: Is it a formal dinner? MUM: If your dad will show up.

136

DOCTOR:

Because the coroner returned an undecided verdict on your brother you’re here as you could be a danger to yourself. MUM: I’m going to put some make-up on. Brush my hair (She does radically – in a mirror in the 4th wall downstage.) DOCTOR:

Or to others if for example these ideas that you have are somehow threatened or become threatening. Clozapine would stop that. RICHARD: DOCTOR:

What if I say no?

It’s your choice.

RICHARD:

What’s the alternative?

takes the knife from RICHARD and gives him pills. DOCTOR takes out his phone which is ringing. DOCTOR

MUM

exits.

DOCTOR:

I’m sorry Richard, would you excuse me a minute?

RUPERT: Bored. RICHARD

exits.

RICHARD

enters looking at MUM’s pills that he is carrying.

RICHARD:

What’s wrong with sharp objects?

137

DOCTOR:

Now listen, Alison, I’m not prepared to take more of this stuff from you. MUM

enters.

RUPERT: (Playing on phone.) If you’re going mental you can’t have sharp objects around you. DOCTOR:

I’ve had enough of it…

RICHARD: Going what? DOCTOR:

So do you want to shut up, and no more swearing and all that bollocks RUPERT: (Playing on phone.) Mental. DOCTOR:

Or go and see someone about it?

RICHARD: What do you mean she’s going mental? DOCTOR:

Not me, I’ve had enough of it.

RUPERT: (Playing on phone.) I saw this film last night. DOCTOR:

Now please give me my son.

RICHARD: Are you serious? DOCTOR:

Fuck off?

RUPERT: (Playing on phone.) With um Christian Slater in. DOCTOR:

Fuck off? Fuck off? 138

RICHARD: I don’t like you saying that. DOCTOR:

Fuck you.

RUPERT: You know what’s going on. DOCTOR:

Will you sign the divorce papers?

RICHARD: No I don’t know what’s going on. What’s going on? DOCTOR:

Why should you?

His phone disconnects, he takes it away from his ear and looks at the screen. MUM

exits.

RUPERT: Oh she’s coming back. Ah. MUM

enters.

RICHARD: Rupert says… MUM: Says what? RICHARD: He says that you’re…you know. That you’ve gone… MUM: Gone what? RICHARD: Gone… RICHARD

acts MUM going mad. Pause. 139

RICHARD: Sorry. There was no better way of putting it. MUM

exits.

MUM

enters.

RUPERT: Now you’ve done it DOCTOR:

She won’t sign the divorce papers.

MUM

exits.

MUM

enters.

MUM:

I try to understand, to talk to you, you’re all talking over me. (Big pause.) What the fuck? (Big pause.) What are you doing? Both of you, both of you, both of you. RICHARD: MUM:

What’s this about mental?

Where is your dad? What’s he doing?

RUPERT:

(Showing phone to The first time.

RICHARD.)

That’s where I saw it.

MUM:

What are you talking about now? Can you stop ignoring me? Eh. Young man. RUPERT: MUM:

(Reading.) Mental health…anyway.

Hey young man.

RICHARD:

Mum.

140

MUM:

Yes son.

RICHARD: MUM:

Mental health services.

Mental health services (rpts.)

RUPERT:

You’re talking too much. Again.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

You see, this is what happens.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

What?

She just doesn’t stop talking.

RICHARD: RUPERT:

Do you want to take your pills Mum?

When?

Right now.

RICHARD:

Well take the pills.

RUPERT:

Take them Mum.

RUPERT:

I’ve got to go to the toilet.

RUPERT

exits.

Enter MALE patient. RICHARD:

We don’t need to know.

Pause.

141

RICHARD:

Take two between meals.

MUM

takes the pills in her hand.

MALE

patient exits.

RUPERT

enters.

RICHARD

exits.

RICHARD

enters.

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

All done. (Meaning he has taken his pills.)

Good. Sorry about that.

DOCTOR/MUM:

You went home last weekend. How did that go?

With your – RICHARD/MUM:

Step-mum. Brother.

MUM: You have to keep the family together. DOCTOR/MUM:

Your brother is dead.

RUPERT: What are you saying, mum? What are you seeing? Tell me what you’re seeing? What are you seeing? Come on. People? RICHARD:

I was a bit anxious about what to do with my manuscripts, because of the experiences I had last time.

142

MUM: Just go away to your room. (She puts the pills in her mouth.) DOCTOR:

What was that?

RICHARD:

My step-mum was onto my ideas, using them for her own purposes. She’s actually somehow managing to read my mind. DOCTOR:

And what would her interest be in doing that?

RICHARD: MUM:

She’s probably involved with the Nobel committee.

I’m not going to take this crap.

She spits the pills out. DOCTOR:

I thought she was a doctor.

RUPERT: You have to take it. Take it. RICHARD:

She’s a multi-faceted figure.

MUM: Just leave me alone. / Ahh… DOCTOR:

You mean she writes?

RICHARD:

She doesn’t do it openly, but that’s what I fear. The whole thing has been orchestrated to give her material for her forthcoming tomes. RUPERT: (Annoyed.) Just take them. Oh dear. Now she’s going all weird.

143

DOCTOR:

Do you want to leave the manuscripts with me?

MUM: I can’t talk. Because you are getting annoyed. / Brr… RICHARD:

I’ve spent the last two weeks memorising them.

RUPERT: (Annoyed.) I’m getting annoyed because you don’t take your pills. RICHARD:

I’ll transfer them somehow to the chip.

MUM: Well then I’ll shut up. DOCTOR:

The chip?

Silence. RICHARD: DOCTOR:

So let’s talk about the weather.

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

Actually, no, I don’t want to.

What would you like to talk about?

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

We haven’t talked about the weather much.

I’ve been writing a kind of Greek tragedy.

Oh that’s good – how’s it going?

RICHARD:

It’s at that stage where I’m not sure I want to share it with other people really. DOCTOR:

Ok and how far have you got?

144

MUM

moves towards exit.

RUPERT: Where are you going? MUM

stops.

RICHARD:

I’ve just come up with this doctor character who starts hearing voices and talking to himself and wondering if he’s psychotic (Performing the doctor role.) and I don’t listen to my patients properly. DOCTOR:

Yeah.

RICHARD:

(Performing the doctor role.) and my wife incessantly shouting in the room below. RUPERT: I want dinner. I’m really hungry. DOCTOR:

Your wife?

MUM: It’s going to be at 7.30, at its usual time RICHARD:

This is the fictional wife. Her name’s Alison.

MUM: What time is the usual time? RICHARD:

She’s got borderline personality disorder.

RUPERT: 6.30. RICHARD:

Latches on to carer types

MUM: What?

145

DOCTOR:

Alison?

RUPERT: 6.30. RICHARD:

Then attempts to destroy them.

MUM: No. Come on. RICHARD:

We have one child.

MUM: Dinner’s 7.30. RICHARD:

Called Ben.

RUPERT: What are we having? RICHARD:

You look rather embarrassed by this.

MUM: I made…oh come on. DOCTOR:

No, no.

RUPERT: Hmm? What? MUM: For you there is this special dish. DOCTOR:

I’ve just got mild alcohol poisoning.

RUPERT: Which is what? DOCTOR:

If I’m red it’s because of that. Sorry.

MUM: Mediterranean vegetables.

146

RICHARD:

Anyway so that’s what I’ve been doing.

RUPERT: I don’t want just vegetables on its own. MUM: I’ve got couscous on the side. RUPERT: I don’t like couscous. MUM: For goodness’ sake. What would you prefer? Rice? RUPERT: No. MUM: Chicken? RUPERT: Well you should know my taste. MUM: I don’t know. RUPERT: I like pizza. DOCTOR:

This imagined family, in this Greek tragedy, is it a bit like mine? RUPERT: I like flan. RICHARD:

It is yours.

MUM: It’s not good for you, pizza and flan. DOCTOR:

And I am you?

RUPERT: Flan is alright. quiche. RICHARD:

You are yourself. 147

MUM: Flan? What’s this flan? DOCTOR:

And I am hearing voices, did you say?

RUPERT: Quiche RICHARD:

Yes.

MUM: I don’t like quiches. Please don’t mention quiche. DOCTOR:

And we’re in it now?

RUPERT: I think there’s some in the freezer. RICHARD:

I can’t really give a definitive answer to that question. Everything’s in a sort of state of flux really. The whole thing is kind of constructed to manage these whatever you call them that are going on. Have been going on, for some time, probably will continue to go on, these um problems. MUM: Will you be able to look after yourselves? DOCTOR:

So the fictional realms help you manage your problems? RUPERT: What do you mean? RICHARD:

Is that what I said?

MUM: Without me? DOCTOR:

Yes.

148

RUPERT: Tonight you mean? RICHARD:

I didn’t say mine. I said these problems.

MUM: In the future? RICHARD:

I don’t know why you refer them to me.

RUPERT: Yeah I’ll be all right. RICHARD:

Don’t know where that came from.

MUM: You’ll be able to cook? DOCTOR:

It came from your Step-mum…

RUPERT: Yeah, yeah, I know how to cook. RICHARD:

Replacement mother, yeah.

MUM: If there’s enough in the freezer. DOCTOR:

Jade.

RUPERT: Say it again. DOCTOR:

Jade said you enjoyed writing.

MUM: If there’s enough in the freezer! RICHARD:

Well she would.

DOCTOR:

Because you were studying literature at university before the incident. 149

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

Documentary?

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

We watched a documentary together.

TV.

About?

MUM: Fish fingers. RICHARD:

Gorillas.

MUM: You can do fish fingers. RUPERT: I’ll have chips. MUM: There’s lots of oven chips. DOCTOR:

Yeah and that was good?

RICHARD:

I don’t know why I mention it.

MUM: I’ve made a stack of vegetable quiches. RICHARD:

It was just I didn’t notice her while I was watching

it. MUM: Vegetarian. DOCTOR:

Jade?

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

I forgot that I didn’t like her.

Right. 150

RUPERT:

I made a stack of pancakes once.

RICHARD:

Maybe we were both concentrating together on these gorillas. MUM: You can have those. DOCTOR:

So she was enjoying watching the gorillas as well?

MUM: You can defrost them. RICHARD:

If enjoy is the right word.

MUM: You know how to defrost? RICHARD:

Certainly she was taken by them.

RUPERT: Defrost what? RICHARD:

So for the duration of the documentary we shared I think a kind of space. MUM: You have to be careful. RICHARD:

Focus.

MUM: Don’t leave them too long to defrost. RUPERT: All right. RICHARD:

But as soon as the credits rolled it evaporated. Back

to the… MUM: Eggs. 151

RICHARD:

Whatever.

MUM: You can do eggs, can’t you? RICHARD:

What do you think?

MUM: You can do eggs. DOCTOR:

She really wants everyone to get on well together.

RUPERT: What, boiled egg? RICHARD:

Yes, but it’s for selfish reasons, isn’t it?

MUM: Pardon? RICHARD:

It’s for selfish reasons.

MUM: I’m broken. RUPERT: Scrambled egg? Fried egg? RICHARD:

I saw my mum in Russell Square.

MUM: Well that’s all right. DOCTOR:

She is in the long stay unit.

MUM: You have fried. RICHARD:

LSU. No.

MUM: Actually fried is worse for you though. You can’t have fried. Mustn’t have fried. 152

She starts belching. RICHARD:

I was going to visit the late Margaret Drabble when I bumped into her in Russell Square. DOCTOR:

Ok.

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

She’s a frog.

Right.

RUPERT: What are you doing that for, Mum? MUM gets louder. RICHARD:

But then she was probably, you know, pumped up on various infusions. RUPERT: Oh stop it. You’re freaking me out now. MUM

does more.

DOCTOR:

Yes. Did she recognize you?

RUPERT: You’re freaking me out now Mum stop it. Stop it. Mum. RICHARD:

There was a glimmer, I think, of recognition in her

face. RUPERT: It’s weird. MUM: I’m going away.

153

RUPERT: Where to? RICHARD:

So I would say she did.

MUM: Are we going to tell Richard as well? Are we going to tell him? RUPERT: No don’t tell him. RICHARD:

But it was more kind of a self-willed apparition,

really. MUM: Because I have to go. I have to go. MUM

exits.

enters, pauses and smiles at leaves again. MUM

DOCTOR: MUM

RICHARD

Did you talk to the apparition?

enters.

MUM: Daddy can look after you and um… RICHARD:

No.

RUPERT: No he can’t MUM: Why? RUPERT: He’s…he’s…’cos he’s crap.

154

during this then

RICHARD:

Difficult to talk to a frog really. She just smiled at me and croaked a couple of times in the manner of the green frog, or lithobates clamitans, and then continued on her way. But when I turned round she’d gone. DOCTOR:

Right.

MUM: No, he can look after you. RICHARD:

Probably her way of saying

RUPERT: He’s not as good as you mum. RICHARD:

She approved of me and what I’m doing.

MUM: He can look after you. He can make you things and look after you. RICHARD:

Holding the family together.

MUM: And take you somewhere nice. RUPERT: Really? Where? MUM: And…zoo. Cinema. RUPERT: Football? MUM: Bowling. RUPERT: Football? MUM: Whatever you want. Football.

155

RUPERT: Football. MUM: Tennis. Yachting. RICHARD:

Especially now Rupert is gone.

RUPERT: I want to go to football on Wednesday. MUM: Swimming. RUPERT: And on Saturday. MUM: Judo. Karate. RICHARD: DOCTOR:

Without me the edifice would crumble.

If your mother was here with us now…

RUPERT: Oh. Boring. RICHARD:

Pardon?

DOCTOR:

If your mother was here with us now what do you think she would say? MUM: Whatever you want. / (RICHARD starts lines.) He’ll take you there. You don’t need me any more. Don’t need me any more. Don’t need me any more do you? Don’t need me any more. attacks the wall. The audience on each side see each other for the first time. MUM

156

RICHARD:

“I’m very happy with you Richard and the way you’ve turned out and looking after everyone, being a pillar of strength here and managing to do all that at the same time as carrying on with your writing work and turning it all into a brilliant play” and so on and so on… DOCTOR:

Yes.

RICHARD:

I think that’s what she’d say. Something along those

lines. DOCTOR:

Mmm.

RICHARD:

And I’d say “Oh thank you Mum. Thank you very much. That’s very nice of you. I’m very well. I wish you’d come back and do your cooking again, the quiches, the flans and all that, the Mediterranean vegetables, yes, would be nice to have that all back…” Wall destruction stops. DOCTOR:

That’s her saying that it would be nice to be back or that’s you saying… RICHARD:

That’s me saying it would be nice.

MUM: (Banging her fists together repeatedly.) Mmmmm / mmmmmmmmmmm DOCTOR:

She’s capable of coming back / home and doing

that? RUPERT: What are you doing that for, Mum? Stop it. Stop it.

157

RICHARD: DOCTOR:

No.

No?

MUM: mmm / mm RICHARD:

She won’t be the same again.

RUPERT: Look. Stop it. The doctor said. MUM: I can’t stop. RUPERT:

Stop it.

DOCTOR:

What?

MUM: Can’t stop can’t stop can’t stop ah can’t stop / (Quietly.) can’t stop can’t stop can’t stop I can’t stop I’ve got to get Richard I’ve got to get Richard (Going.) RUPERT: Mum…. RICHARD: DOCTOR:

Have to accept she won’t be the same again.

I don’t know.

Musical Interlude. End of Act Three.

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