Stay Sane Through Change : How to Rise Above the Challenges of Life’s Complex Transitions 9781605570006, 9780977424269

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Stay Sane Through Change: How to rise above the challenges of life’s complex transitions   A Jesus Model Approach

  F. David Webster and Tolulope A. Adeleye www.staysanethroughchange.com    

Scripture taken from: THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Anglicisation copyright © 1979, 1984, 1989. Used by permission of Hodder and Stoughton Limited. The New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation Used by permission. THE MESSAGE. Copyright© 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by Permission of NavPress Publishing Group. The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2005 by F. David Webster and Tolulope A. Adeleye All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN: 0-9774242-6-X

Published by: Holy Fire Publishing 531 Constitution Blvd. Martinsburg, WV 25401 www.ChristianPublish.com

Printed in the United States of America and the United Kingdom

DEDICATION To the glory of God, this book is dedicated to the office of Senior Pastor of North Douglas Church, Victoria, British Columbia, Canada

CONTENTS AT A GLANCE INTRODUCTION CHAPTER 1

15

THE CHALLENGE OF CHANGE

25

PART I GETTING READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD CHAPTER 2 EDUCATION: AN EYE OPENER TO THE REAL WORLD

49

PART II TO HAVE AND TO HOLD: MARRIAGE AND FAMILY CHAPTER 3 NEW ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE CHAPTER 4

BECOMING A PARENT

69 91

CHAPTER 5 SEPARATION AND DIVORCE OR BREAK-UP OF A RELATIONSHIP

113

CHAPTER 6 REMARRIAGE AND BLENDED FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

131

PART III I HAVE A LOT TO OFFER- CAREER CHAPTER 7

CAREER MOVES

153

CHAPTER 8 MID-LIFE CAREER EXPLORATION: FROM FULL-TIME WORK TO FULL-TIME SCHOOL

171

CHAPTER 9 CAREER CHANGE: THE CARPENTER BECAME A FISHER OF PEOPLE

187

v

CHAPTER 10 DELETING THE FILE THAT HAS THE SIGNATURE OF THE WORM QZN IN IT

207

CHAPTER 11 SEMI-RETIREMENT AND RETIREMENT

221

PART IV MODIFIED LIVING RELATIONSHIPS CHAPTER 12 GRANDPARENTING AND EMPTY NESTING 237 CHAPTER 13 DEATH OF A LOVED ONE

255

PART V THE EARTH IS THE LORD’S; HE’S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS CHAPTER 14 RELOCATION AND HOUSE MOVES

275

KEEPING IT UP! CHAPTER 15 CONTINUOUS CHANGE: DAILY RENEWAL 301 CHAPTER 16 GO AND DO LIKEWISE: TAKING ON NEW 309 LEADERSHIP ROLES NOTES

313

APPENDIX

321

INDEX

335

vi

DETAILED CONTENTS CONTENTS AT A GLANCE ..............................................................v

INTRODUCTION Life is wrapped in a package of changes .............................................15 Changes often come in pairs or multiples...........................................16 Newer technologies are reinforcing constant complex changes in our lives.................................................................................17 Our newer technology-revolutionized world is typified by more complex transition periods of life.........................................18 You need to be empowered to cope with this complex transition lifestyle ....................................................................................19 What this book offers: ...........................................................................20 CHAPTER 1 THE CHALLENGE OF CHANGE ........................25 Mayhem at the Robertsons’...................................................................25 Dealing with Change ..............................................................................27 Complex change......................................................................................36 Jesus as our model for dealing with changes ......................................39 Additional words of wisdom.................................................................40 TWELVE TIPS FOR OVERCOMING THE CHALLENGE OF CHANGE .................................................43

PART I GETTING READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD CHAPTER 2 EDUCATION: AN EYE OPENER TO THE REAL WORLD Getting an education is reaching for gold ...........................................49 Our basic educational experiences .......................................................50 Jesus as our model ..................................................................................59 Dealing with the changes faced during educational pursuits............61 General tips for those pursuing education..........................................64 Additional words of wisdom.................................................................65 vii

PART II TO HAVE AND TO HOLD: MARRIAGE AND FAMILY CHAPTER 3 NEW ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE ......................................................69 Facts about marriage ..............................................................................69 Choosing “Marriage”..............................................................................73 Challenges faced during the first year of marriage.............................76 Our Experiences .....................................................................................77 Jesus’ teaching on marriage: Additional words of wisdom...............87 General tips for dealing with changes during your first year of marriage...............................................................................88 CHAPTER 4 BECOMING A PARENT .........................................91 Facts about parenting.............................................................................91 Our experiences ......................................................................................97 Dealing with the challenges associated with the first year of parenthood ...................................................................... 108 General tips for first-time transition into parenthood ................... 110 Jesus and Parenting.............................................................................. 111 Additional words of wisdom.............................................................. 112 CHAPTER 5 SEPARATION AND DIVORCE OR BREAK-UP OF A RELATIONSHIP............................................. 113 Facts about separation and divorce................................................... 113 Before and during separation: working out your marital conflicts and differences ..................................................................... 118 Divorce is a life changing and devastating process......................... 119 Challenges faced during the first year of divorce............................ 122 Dealing with the challenges during the first year of divorce ......... 125 Words of healing for the brokenhearted .......................................... 128 CHAPTER 6 REMARRIAGE AND BLENDED FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS ............................................................................. 131 Facts about remarriage and blended family relationships.............. 131 viii

Before you remarry - Facts to consider before going into a new partnership......................................................................... 136 Remarriage requires a high level of readjustment ........................... 139 Challenges faced during the first year of remarriage ...................... 144 Dealing with the challenges during the first year after remarriage.................................................................... 146 Additional words of wisdom.............................................................. 149

PART III I HAVE A LOT TO OFFER- CAREER CHAPTER 7 CAREER MOVES.................................................... 153 Facts about career moves ................................................................... 153 We have both been through quite some career moves! ................. 156 Some have it big, some have it small (Impacting Communities for Christ) ................................................ 161 Jesus as our model ............................................................................... 167 Dealing with challenges associated with career moves: major lessons learned .......................................................................... 169 CHAPTER 8 MID-LIFE CAREER EXPLORATION: FROM FULL-TIME WORK TO FULL-TIME SCHOOL ........ 171 Facts about mid-life career exploration ............................................ 171 Our Experiences .................................................................................. 173 Jesus as our model ............................................................................... 183 Dealing with challenges associated with going back to school ...................................................................................... 184 Additional words of wisdom.............................................................. 185

CHAPTER 9 CAREER CHANGE: THE CARPENTER BECAME A FISHER OF PEOPLE ......... 187 The carpenter became a fisher of people ......................................... 187 Facts about career changes................................................................. 188 Career change from biomedicine to gospel ministry...................... 191 ix

Career repositioning – a change in the philosophy of ministry in a new church setting........................................................ 196 Jesus as our model ............................................................................... 200 General tips for career changers........................................................ 202 CHAPTER 10 DELETING THE FILE THAT HAS THE SIGNATURE OF THE WORM QZN IN IT............................... 207 Of Worms, Parasites and Viruses...................................................... 207 Jesus is at the center ............................................................................ 212 Taking it forward ................................................................................. 219 CHAPTER 11 SEMI-RETIREMENT AND RETIREMENT .. 221 Facts about semi-retirement and retirement.................................... 222 Before you retire: the gradual process of entering into retirement.............................................................................................. 225 How many times do people retire? ................................................... 229 Challenges faced during the first year of retirement from active work............................................................................................ 230 Dealing with challenges faced during the first year of retirement ......................................................................................... 232 Additional words of wisdom.............................................................. 233

PART IV MODIFIED LIVING RELATIONSHIPS CHAPTER 12 GRANDPARENTING AND EMPTY NESTING............................................................................ 237 Facts about grandparenting................................................................ 237 Challenges associated with becoming grandparents ....................... 239 Empty nesting in today’s society ....................................................... 240 Challenges associated with becoming empty nesters...................... 241 Grandparenting and empty nesting as we know it.......................... 242 Dealing with challenges during the first year of becoming grandparents ......................................................................................... 251 Dealing with challenges during the first year of becoming empty nesters........................................................................................ 252 x

Additional words of wisdom.............................................................. 253 CHAPTER 13 DEATH OF A LOVED ONE.............................. 255 Death of a loved one is the most challenging of all losses ............ 255 We have both had to grieve the loss of very close relatives .......... 260 General tips for dealing with the challenges of grieving the death of a loved one ............................................................................ 268 Jesus as our model ............................................................................... 270 Words of comfort for those who mourn ......................................... 271

PART V THE EARTH IS THE LORD’S; HE’S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS CHAPTER 14 RELOCATION AND HOUSE MOVES ........... 275 Facts about relocation and house moves ......................................... 275 Both of us have relocated and moved house locally and internationally ....................................................................................... 279 Jesus as our model ............................................................................... 294 Dealing with changes associated with relocation and house moves.................................................................................. 295

KEEPING IT UP! CHAPTER 15 CONTINUOUS CHANGE: DAILY RENEWAL ........................................................................... 301 Appearing and Disappearing.............................................................. 303 The ocean and continuous change.................................................... 304 Transitions are defining moments in our lives ................................ 305 Change is a paradox............................................................................. 305 The sanity imparting touch of Jesus.................................................. 306

xi

CHAPTER 16 GO AND DO LIKEWISE: TAKING ON NEW LEADERSHIP ROLES ................................................. 309 NOTES ................................................................................................. 313 APPENDIX ......................................................................................... 321 INDEX ................................................................................................. 335

xii

Warning-Disclaimer This book is a resource for management of life’s transitions, not a substitute for needed professional counseling. If your situation poses challenges that cannot be resolved, we urge you to seek professional help. Disclaimer on the characters in this book In our illustrations and examples in the following chapters, the names have been changed and circumstances altered to protect the people involved: Chapters: 1. Challenge of change 5. Divorce 6. Remarriage 11. Retirement

INTRODUCTION

LIFE IS WRAPPED IN A PACKAGE OF CHANGES Life comes with its full dose of changes. We go through various cycles of physical and mental changes in our maturity from birth to old age. Our bodies go through huge changes as we grow. As children grow up through adolescence they undergo huge changes in their anatomy and body chemistry. Our mental maturity involves a phase of growth, too. In adult life, we experience huge changes as we interact with others in a social context. We often establish romantic relationships with others, which sometimes lead to marriage or other forms of family partnerships. Partners sometimes experience a death in a relationship, which can result in separation or divorce. A married couple often increases the family size while parenting. This reverts to a decrease in family size as the children leave home, leaving an empty nest. At times, close relatives die and we have to adjust to life without them. In our career lives, we go to school to learn special skills that we faithfully apply to our jobs as we strive to make a living. Often we have to change jobs or careers to meet the needs of our growing family or for other reasons. These career moves may involve relocating to another part of town, another city or even across the ocean to another continent. After many years of earning income to support a living, we retire from active employment and must adapt to an entirely new way of life. Thus, the process of living in itself constitutes a cycle of many changes. If nothing changes…nothing changes The change could be by choice (i.e., marriage) or imposed (i.e. a job loss.) Changes may occur in our personal or professional lives. Whatever the reason for a change, challenges are always associated with it. Adjusting to new situations is always challenging. Changes always pose challenges.

Stay Sane Through Change

CHANGES OFTEN COME IN PAIRS OR MULTIPLES More often than not, the changes we experience in our daily lives do not come one at a time. They often come in pairs or multiples, one change superimposed on others. Having to deal with more than one change at any one time severely saps us of our energy and willpower and pushes us to our limits. Adjusting to a single change in an aspect of our lives is challenging enough without having to cope with multiple ones. A woman in her mid-thirties is very happy at the recent birth of a healthy baby—an event she had been longing for after many years of unsuccessful pregnancies. Her bundle of joy finally arrived. Four days after her safe delivery, the woman learned about the death of her mother who lived across the ocean on another continent. What was this woman to do? How would she rise above the challenges of mothering her new baby and grieve her mom’s death at the same time? How would she deal with this superimposed change in her life? A family had worked very hard to put together savings toward the purchase of a house. They finally bought the home of their dreams and settled in over the course of a few months. The following year, one of the partners died. How does a spouse stay sane amidst these challenges? Constant changes also occur in the form of continual demands on our life patterns. These could involve a constantly changing schedule or how we do things at work or at home. Doug is the minister of a large and growing church. Although he has an enthusiastic team of volunteers, he is often called to emergency situations that cause unpredictable changes in his schedule. In fact, he does not seem to have a schedule anymore. This impacts his family in various ways. It is not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Shelly has been working in the restaurant industry for the past fifteen years. She has recently become weighed down with concerns 16

Introduction

about her job. The frequent changes in industry regulations often results in changes in the day-to-day procedures of her regular tasks. How will she stay sane while adjusting to these frequent changes in her operating procedures? At times, the constant changes that come our way have to do with past relationships. Fred and Heather were ‘empty-nesters’ in their early fifties. They were quite content that they had raised their children well. Their children had successfully moved on to start their families. At age 55, however, one of their sons, Luke, lost his wife after a short battle with cancer. Luke and his wife had a three-year-old daughter, Marley. After some consideration, Fred and Heather decided to help Luke out with raising Marley. How will these grandparents cope with parenting again? From the above examples, it is safe to say that facing a complex set of changes may seem daunting and intimidating. Such situations often tend to make us feel stuck and unable to move forward. NEWER TECHNOLOGIES ARE REINFORCING CONSTANT COMPLEX CHANGES IN OUR LIVES In the new millennium, the emergence of diverse new technologies has been a pivotal influence for constant change in our lives. Changes we face that are a natural part of the growing-up phase have been shaped enormously by rapidly changing technology. More than ever before, life is now full of constant change. The most important of these fast-paced advances has been brought to us through Internet technology. The Internet has modified our general way of life in an unprecedented way. In a recent study carried out by the Online Publishers Association,1 it was determined that the Internet is the only medium with net growth in perceived time spent across all age groups. Over 70 percent of people in all age groups interviewed agreed that using the Internet is an important part of their day. No other medium compares to the Internet when it comes to finding information and having fun. In our outlook on life, the Internet has taken over in the key areas of fun and information. The accessibility and the speed of the Internet have magnified its overall influence on our lives. Anyone can get any desired level of information and fun with a click of the mouse—no waiting in line, no 17

Stay Sane Through Change

hanky-panky about undelivered mail, no traveling to an office or entertainment theatre. Everything a person might desire is right there on the computer screen and can easily be paid for on the Internet through online payment services. The speed of receiving information and fun has completely revolutionized our lives, offering even more avenues for constant change. By accessing various on-line distance education courses on the Internet, a career-oriented individual may get an education without leaving home. An individual who is searching for a spouse or seeking sheer fun can date as many people as he or she desires through various web sites. Movies and other forms of fun-promoting activities may be downloaded without stepping out of one's bedroom or den. Someone who wants to move across the country may hunt for a new home in a city thousands of miles away without ever leaving his or her current home. The Internet has revolutionized our lives. More than ever before, life is now full of constant change. Whether we like it or not, constant change has come to stay. We have to face the reality of it and design a means of rising above the challenges. OUR NEWER TECHNOLOGY-REVOLUTIONIZED WORLD IS TYPIFIED BY MORE COMPLEX TRANSITION PERIODS OF LIFE For the past decade, Sophie has been offering seminars to a class of first-time Moms. Her home was in the suburbs of a small town, but she recently moved to a larger city and began making contacts to restart her workshops in the new metropolis. After some investigation, Sophie realized she would need to update herself before she could effectively reach out to first-time Moms in her new city. To better understand her target market in the new environment, she conducted a small survey. Her survey revealed many new factors that she had to take into account if her seminars were to be relevant. 18

Introduction

Her audience was made up of a variety of women in different situations. Sophie realized that having a baby for the first time seemed to be the only factor common to all the women. Apart from this, she discovered that their marital situations were just as diverse as their family backgrounds. She found that in some cases, a woman’s first child was not the oldest in the family; there were older stepchildren in these families because of the partner’s previous marriage. Some of the single women had never married or were separated, divorced, or widowed. Many of the women had been married once, twice or more. How would Sophie effectively reach out to this complex group of first-time Moms who were so diverse in their marital or family backgrounds? What Sophie discovered in her market survey rings true in many other aspects of our technology-revolutionized world. An individual who is going through a transition into motherhood—a major lifechanging event in itself—may also have other changes superimposed on her life at the same time. This pattern holds true for other natural life passages such as grandparenting and retirement. Life’s transition phases are no longer straightforward. Life’s transition phases are no longer straightforward.

YOU NEED TO BE EMPOWERED TO COPE WITH THIS COMPLEX TRANSITION LIFESTYLE How are we to cope with the changes that come with the package in which life is delivered? How are we to rise above the challenges of constant, superimposed changes? How will we maintain our sanity while dealing with complex life transitions?

19

Stay Sane Through Change

WHAT THIS BOOK OFFERS: • Hope and courage • Tools to deal with constant superimposed changes and complex life transitions • Encouragement for continuous renewal • Empowerment for the reader who desires to help and support others in their transition periods, through one-on-one interactions or through support groups In this book we offer the reader tools and insight to answer these questions. Yes, the complexity of the challenges we face in dealing with transitions often leaves us with no energy or vigor to continue. We offer hope to the reader that it is possible to rise above these challenges. We offer insights that will empower the reader to deal with the constant changes in their lives and tools to move forward successfully during life’s simple and complex transition phases. We offer courage and hope that will help the reader to stay sane while facing this world of constant change. The first step in solving any problem is to know what the problem is and to understand its root. In the first chapter, we discuss the perceived and actual ’problems’ we encounter when dealing with change. We analyze the challenges that we all face in effecting changes in general. We look at the general themes associated with making transitions in life. In this chapter we also offer general principles that will enable readers to handle those challenges, rise above them, and move forward to the next step in their lives. Most problems precisely defined are already partially solved-Harry Lorayne,

Memory Makes Money

In subsequent chapters we discuss in more detail the different types of transition we face in our adult years. Each chapter deals with a particular transition: education and career issues, family relationships, retirement, and other issues occurring in our senior years. Using inspiring examples from our own lives and those of others, we offer hope and courage to our readers so they will know they are 20

Introduction

not alone in their struggles. We then offer tools to enable the reader to overcome the specific challenges associated with the particular type of transition in question. The end of each chapter contains a summary of these practical tips. The insights we offer in this book are centered on Jesus Christ as a model. While He was here on earth, Jesus lived a life that shows He is the All-in-One authority concerning the subject of changes and transitions. The fact of God becoming man is, in itself, a unique example of change for us today. Jesus set extraordinary examples for us through His life. He changed His nature and relocated His home from Heaven to earth. He changed careers from carpenter to fisher of men. He had a traveling ministry and constantly changed residences. He dealt with difficult people in His work, and was insulted and rejected. He showed us that it is possible to face complex changes, rise above the associated challenges, and still maintain our sanity. He was and is the expert Change Manager.

He is the one that can be touched with the feelings of our infirmities because He has passed this way before-Hebrews 4:15

(paraphrased)

Because He Himself suffered when He was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted -Hebrews 2:18 Jesus touched the lives of the people He met in unique ways. He is still touching lives today in the way only He could. The lives He touches are transformed in extraordinary ways. This transforming power enables a person to have Jesus’ unique ability to manage change successfully. He is both an expert Change Leader and Change Manager. Through various examples of events in Jesus’ life, His teachings and our personal experiences of Him as the expert Change Manager, we offer 21

Stay Sane Through Change

some principles that the reader could apply as he or she faces life’s various forms of transition. In the center of the book we invite readers to initiate a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. That special relationship of having the Change Manager at the helm of affairs in their lives will enable them to remain sane while handling life’s complex changes. In the penultimate chapter, we offer insights that will help readers to renew that vital relationship with Jesus on a continuous basis. This will equip them with the tools of empowerment for leadership roles within their family and community. The last chapter of this book covers a topic that we cherish—the concept of multiplying the effect of the empowerment that the reader has received from the tools and insights offered in this book. We have covered a wide gamut of changes in the other chapters. We chose this approach because we encourage formation of support networks amongst family members, friends and ‘survivors’. A support network is any means whereby people can come together to help and support each other as they go through life’s various transitions. For example, if partners understand how to help each other manage their transitions, their marriage, which might be under pressure from a crisis, could be saved. The periods of transition are often heavy drains on our emotional energy. Having a support system in place is one of the essential tools (see Chapter 1) for moving successfully through transition periods. Such a support system is the subject of the last chapter of this book. We encourage our readers to go forward with the empowerment they have received from this book and their own transition experiences. In particular, we encourage them to go forward and offer support to family, friends, and acquaintances who are finding it hard to deal with the challenges of change that they are facing. Limitation: Considering the wide range of transitions we have examined, there is a limit to the detail we could cover for each type discussed. Our focus has been the adjustment to a new life change, i.e., mainly the transition phase. In the Appendix we offer more resources to help readers enrich their experience while they are settling into that particular new phase, 22

Introduction

and before another change comes their way. Such resources will also be useful for the reader who is interested in further exploring each particular type of transition. Now you have this book in your hands. You have positioned yourself to know how to stay sane through the constant changes in life. Now read on and discover these powerful tools!

23

CHAPTER 1 ______________________________

THE CHALLENGE OF CHANGE We uncover a great paradoxical truth. Change is hell. Yet no change, to stay on the path of slow death, is also hell. The difference is that the hell of deep change is the hero’s journey. The journey puts us on a path of exhilaration, growth and progress. —Robert Quinn, “Deep Change”

MAYHEM AT THE ROBERTSONS’ The Robertsons have just relocated (again!) from Sussex, a small town in the Midwest, to New Moon, a big metropolitan city in the East. This is their fourth move in the last six years. Dad Brad has been reassigned to a bigger branch of his company in the new city. The company is in a leading edge technology field and is rapidly expanding and opening up new offices across the continent. Brad was in the Sales Department in his previous position in Sussex. This move has come with a reassignment of his duties to the Operations Department. Mom Sally has almost completed her course of training as a Microsoft certified engineer. She hopes to complete it in their new city and look for employment in this field. Previously, she had been a sales assistant in a retail shop for many years. Kathleen, a sixteen-year-old, is the only child of the family. After many unsuccessful attempts at having another child, Sally had suggested to Brad that they just keep their family the way it was. Kathleen was registered in a Grade 10 class in the biggest high school in the city of New Moon, and was not at all pleased with this move. She left behind a

Stay Sane Through Change

wide circle of friends in her former school. More importantly, she had a steady boyfriend she had been seeing for almost a year before the move. Life is mayhem in the Robertsons’ new home. The Robertson’s experiences are similar to the ones we, Dave and Tolu, had when our families relocated during various phases of our career lives. (Our personal experiences are the subject of Chapter 14.) In the current chapter we have used the examples of the Robertsons to illustrate the challenges associated with changes in general. The questions that come to mind are: What kind of struggles is each of the Robertsons facing? What do they have in common at this transition phase of their life? The challenge of change The challenges posed by changes often involve losing something or someone familiar and having to rebuild something new. It is the challenge of tearing down old lifestyles and forming new ones. This sometimes involves losing the stability of relationships that have been built over the years and seeking to make new ones. Many times we feel vulnerable, alone, and possibly out of control. Such is the case with the Robertsons. Each member of the family had lost a number of familiar things: the house, the colleagues at work and school, the community in the small town. In addition, Brad had lost his previous position, the reporting system in his workplace, and his type of work. Sally, on the other hand, had lost her course environment, her connections in their neighborhood, and her kitchen. Kathleen’s major challenges hinge around the loss of friends, which is very important at her stage in life. She has anxiety based on her fear of how she will be accepted by her peers in her new school. Each member of the Robertson family has feelings of insecurity centered on the loss of familiar environment and people. The affirmation of the old environment has been removed and it appears their life is unstable. How will they stay sane through this change? The challenge of a loss is also accompanied by the challenge of having to embrace something new. Unknown things, unknown people, and unknown situations arouse varying degrees of fear and anxiety.

26

The Challenge of Change

Having to learn new ways of doing things, or doing things in a new environment draws us out of our comfort zones. We often feel burdened and that there is too much risk involved. How will Brad know if he will be successful in his new Operations Department assignment? Does Sally know how her new neighbors will treat her? How will Kathleen adjust to the system in the new school? How will the Robertsons cope with a number of superimposed changes in their lives that come with this relocation? In his book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes,1 William Bridges asserted that there are three stages of dealing with change: letting go or ending the neutral zone of transitions (wilderness) and starting something new. Another author, Neeld, in her recent book, Tough transitions: navigating your way through difficult times,2 identified four key processes involved with change: Verifying, Reviewing, Reorganizing, and Renewing. DEALING WITH CHANGE The Phases of Change In a similar fashion, we suggest that the phases of dealing with change can be classified in five categories: 1.

Recognizing the change

The Robertsons had to become acquainted with the facts concerning the move. They might have had some time to think it through. Is it worth it to move? Are the costs and risks worth the effort? When they finally decide to go ahead with the move, the Robertsons will have assumed all the risk and discomfort that the transition period may bring. However, upon their arrival at the new city, New Moon, the Robertsons have to go through the process of recognizing that this big city is not their former old town of Sussex. The traffic is heavier and faster. The people are not as friendly. Because of its location, the new house has no beautiful view of the sunset. The Robertsons will have to come to terms with all these major and minor changes over the first few weeks and months. They will have to recognize what they have lost and what no longer exists. At the same 27

Stay Sane Through Change

time, they will have to recognize what is new. Kathleen has to recognize that her new English Language teacher is stricter on punctuations than her previous one. Sally has to recognize that the nearest postal box is a block away and not within a stone's throw as before. Brad has to recognize that the language and terminology in his new Operations office are not the same as those in his previous Sales Department. 2.

Denial and Anger

It is in our nature as human beings to hold on to the familiar. Changes in our circumstances get us out of our comfort zone. We do not like the discomfort that any kind of adjustment brings. We are upset because we must adjust our whole lifestyle. Frustration and anger abound. Anxiety takes control of us. The resulting mixture of all these emotions tends to be chaos. How will the Robertsons stay sane through this change? Kathleen definitely does not like the move. She has harbored thoughts of going back to their old town and living with one of her former classmates. Sally is finding it hard to concentrate on her course in the new city. She is angry that her old circle of course mates are no longer there to offer support. Brad is angry that he has to learn so many new things while adjusting to a new workplace and environment. At some stage between recognizing a change and denial and anger over the change, the Robertsons have to learn to pause, mourn the past, and celebrate the good things in it. They will need to do this before they can move on in their lives. 3.

Acceptance

Accepting that our lives have changed is a critical step in being able to move forward in the new phase. The Robertsons need to accept the fact that the old is gone and the new has come. They need to accept that they cannot bring the old back into the new. Brad, Sally, and Kathleen need to accept that they will have to devise a means of surviving in the new. In this phase they have to deal with the challenges that the change brings and overcome them one at a time. This stage often takes time and cannot be rushed. 28

The Challenge of Change

Courage is not the absence of fear. It is going forward in the face of fear. -Abraham Lincoln 4.

Moving forward

Having accepted that their lives have changed, the Robertsons can now move forward. They can now rise above the challenges of the change. It takes some time to get to this stage. Each of the family members goes back and forth between the first three stages and at some point is able to get to the stage of acceptance. Once they are ready to move forward, they may have developed a new attitude toward their new circumstances. Brad can now explore the potential that his new position offers. Kathleen’s inner vision may now be open to seeing potential friends with in this new environment. Sally can now see that the graduates from her new college have great internship opportunities in neighboring big companies. She can now see that this is a unique opportunity for a permanent position in a well established organization. 5. More change Moving forward with a change leads to even more change in our lives. When Sally sees the potential in her new circumstances, she will be more willing to make new friends with her new course mates and will be more willing to form a new support system from this group. When Brad has decided to explore the potentials of his new job, he will then spend some more time forming new partnerships. Now that Kathleen has a new attitude toward making friends, she can register at a club for gymnastics. This will be something new for her, as she had no such opportunity in their previous town. The Robertsons are now ready for more changes in their lives to sustain the original change they incurred during relocation.

29

Stay Sane Through Change

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance -Alan Watts

Twelve tips for overcoming the challenge of change 1. Pause, mourn, and acknowledge the past Before you can effectively move on to the next stage of your life, you must fully acknowledge the pain of the past. This is especially true when the circumstances that are pushing you to the new era involve a loss. It could be the loss of a job, a relationship, or a loved one. When you mourn the past, you give yourself chances to remember, experience, and process what you have lost. You must remember what is best and noble in the people or circumstances you are mourning. The Robertsons need to pause and mourn what they left behind at Sussex before they can move on to new experiences at New Moon. They need to remember the good times, their old friends, and their old positions at Sussex. They need to celebrate the successes they had in their former town. At times it may be difficult to find a noble thing in a situation (or someone) that has been instrumental in hurting you—even more so if the change involves a significant loss such as a relationship or a life. In such cases, do not be afraid to receive healing. Discard the feeling that if you receive healing, you will be more vulnerable to more hurt. That is not true. Do not make the feelings of hurt a sacred thing to be cherished and kept forever. In the process of healing, you will be able to find something good, no matter how small, in the past situation. We need to celebrate change by establishing meaningful landmarks that help carry forward the lessons learned. We need to celebrate change by establishing meaningful landmarks that help carry forward the lessons learned

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The Challenge of Change

For the Robertsons, a meaningful landmark from their former town of Sussex was Kathleen’s inaugural performance in the Sussex symphony. That occasion has been a cherished memory within their family ever since. The selection procedure had been highly competitive. It took a lot of hard work on Kathleen’s part, as well as Mom and Dad’s unfailing support. Sally decided a good way to celebrate the present change in their family life was to have an anniversary celebration of Kathleen’s first symphony performance. She asked around and found the local club in New Moon. She organized a party and invited the few friends they had made. Then she had Kathleen perform a couple of special numbers. Celebrating a familiar past event in their new environment turned out to be a great way for the Robertsons to adapt to the changes in their lives. 2. Maintain faith in yourself by looking at past changes and results The Robertson’s current relocation is the fourth of a series of moves they have made in the last six years. This family will benefit greatly from taking the time to pause and look back at the previous moves they have made. They need to analyze how they were able to successfully manage the changes involved in the previous moves. Taking an inventory of the previous transitions in your life will remind you that the challenge of a new change is surmountable. 3. Reassure yourself with these salient facts (i) You are not alone in your struggles. There are other people who have experienced and are experiencing the same type of struggles. (ii) During periods of transition, it is normal to feel overwhelmed at times. (iii) Each change has an ending (of the previous situation), a middle, and a new beginning. This, too, shall pass! 4. List your deepest fears about the change. Analyze your expectations Peter Young in his book, Change Manager–Be Your Best and Beyond,3 31

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mentioned that there are healthy fears associated with a process of change. This includes lack of knowledge, lack of confidence, lack of social awareness, and lack of enthusiasm which may result from lack of understanding. In the section on Challenge of Change we listed the fears that Brad, Sally, and Kathleen had about the changes. The Robertsons had healthy fears about the change—fears revolving around the burden of having to go through lifestyle adjustments and the loss of ‘control’. They felt that they had their lives under control before, but with this new move, they never knew what the new day had in store. Find out what you fear most about the change. Give it a name. Recognize it. Identifying what your fears are about a particular change is a first step in dealing with it. List the fears. What are the monsters hiding under this bridge of transition? Knowledge is power -Sir Francis Bacon Analyze your expectations. Compare your old status, environment, and situation with the new. You need to have an open mind to do this. Brad will have to recognize that it is all right to be a learner, to ask how to do things. This is quite a change from teaching others the ‘how’ of the job, as he did in his former position. Kathleen has to recognize that there is nothing wrong with taking the bus to school, compared to the routine in Sussex, where Brad gave her a ride to school. 5. Seek God’s guidance for the next step. You do not walk alone; God is there for you. Seek spiritual strength from God through prayers. Ask Him to give you the enablement and strength required to move through the transitions successfully. (See more on establishing a relationship with God in Chapter 10.) When you seek God’s guidance, He is able to give you new perspectives on the situation. God will help you to find purpose in the change. He will give you courage to go forward. Joyce Landorf, in her book, Chang points: When We Need Him Most,4 emphasizes the importance of doing this anew with every transition you experience. She discusses how you need to update your faith resources to 32

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meet your new roles. Do not rely on strength from yesterday. Seek new strength for the new challenge. Seek fresh wisdom to tackle the new responsibility. 6. Examine your options. Make a list of resources. In any change situation, there are usually factors that you cannot control (the givens). Some other factors are amenable to control (the controllables) while others can be negotiated. In his move to the Operations Department, Brad will have to learn new things—a given condition. To move forward, Brad will have to examine his options while going through the learning process. To help with the adjustment, Brad can negotiate with his boss on spreading the learning period over a longer time. Some electronic selfhelp courses may be available for him to take home so he can practice his concepts in a less hurried atmosphere. You need to look at your resources in your new situation and use them optimally to help you adjust to the change. 7. Learn to accept the limitations of the present. Enjoy the present with its limitations. Enjoy the moment. Live today to the fullest. Do not focus on idealizing the future. Do not spend all your time anticipating a perfect idealized future with no flaws. It does not exist. The future has its own store of challenges. 8. Maintain a constructive attitude. Maintain perspective. Think objectively. Focusing on the positive aspects of the change will help you rise above the challenges of any seemingly negative ones. Instead of focusing on the fact that he has many new things to learn, Brad can focus on the greater opportunities for advancement in the new position. Maintaining a constructive attitude will help you to reinvent your life in your new status and environment

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Adult learning happens best when there is an intention to change, a willingness to perceive the world anew. 9. Use humor to cope with change. Humor is a great stress reliever. Find humor in your situation. Laughing helps to release tension and remove the focus from the ‘negative’ aspects of the change. Laughter is a great tranquilizer with no side effects -Arnold Glasgow Although facing things head-on has its time and place, one of the most effective ways of boosting your spirits during challenging times is through distractions and amusement. 10. Maintain your physical and mental well-being. Change is stressful. Someone who is undergoing a change must be in good physical condition. Take good care of yourself. Pay attention to your physical condition. Maintain your physical and mental well-being. These two make up the core of your being. Eat well, drink well. You cannot afford to be low on physical energy. Your mental well-being very much depends on your physical health. Join a health or fitness club. Make exercising part of your lifestyle. This way, you will have reserve energy to strengthen and support your emotions during times of change. Take care of areas that you know are important in making you function normally and make you stable as a human being, i.e., your regular visit to the coffee shop in the mornings or your visit to the gym. They may be the only constants in your life during the period of change.

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11. Find a support system of discerning companions. Make a list of possible supporters. Do not be a Lone Ranger. Build a strong network of friends, co-workers, and confidants. Feel free to ask for encouragement and honest and caring feedback. Talking to someone with an understanding ear goes a long way in helping you release tension and anxiety. Reach out to those discerning companions who can help you to see things positively. Accept help from discerning friends. Look out for support from family. As in any other stage of life, your choice of companions during transitions is very important. 12. Use Mentors Look for ‘mentors’ who will support you through the change. A mentor might be someone who has been through the change you are experiencing. It could be someone who is more mature in the area of your transition. Whatever the change—career or empty nesting— someone nearby or in your circle of friends will likely have been through it. Be on the lookout for people who can share how they were able to manage the change in question. On the other hand, you can also be a mentor to someone else undergoing a change you have previously been through. Utilizing your expertise in life can increase your resilience in the new area of your change. Continuous ‘change-readiness’ state The above tips are handy for dealing with ongoing changes in your life. What else can you do in order to be ready to face future changes in your lives? What can you do on a regular basis to keep you in a state of ‘change-preparedness’? Karisman, in her article entitled “Seven tools for managing change in every area of your life”5 gives some answers to these questions. She offers some rules for always being in a state of readiness to face changes. Karisman suggests that a good attitude to change is maintaining a lifestyle that will help you to be amenable to change whenever it comes your way. To maintain such a lifestyle, you need to do three important things: 35

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1. Increase your change tolerance This means being open-minded or broad-minded to change. Increase your flexibility. Inject doses of change in your day- to-day life. Try new recipes. Take a new route to work. Take a community course on sewing—something different, that you have never done before. If you have increased your ability to accept changes by intentionally introducing some changes in your life, you will be better prepared to face changes that come your way unexpectedly. 2. Put some synergy in your life. You may achieve synergy by various means such as cross-training in other disciplines or partnering with others to achieve more than each of you could achieve individually. 3. Diversify your life investment portfolio Invest in multiple areas of life. Investment is not important just in terms of finances. It is also sage advice when thinking about what you invest your life in and what you spend your time on. Strike a balance in life. Do not let your life revolve around your job or your family (children) only. Diversify your portfolio of life investments by investing your time and energy on work, family, faith, community, hobbies, fitness, continuous learning, and friends. Embrace multiple roles so that your identity is not lost if one of your roles changes or is totally removed. For example, if Sally’s life revolves only around her daughter, how will she cope when Kathleen leaves home for college? If Sally’s identity is based only on being Kathleen’s Mom, she might find it very hard to move on when Kathleen gets married. COMPLEX CHANGE ‘Change’ has not finished her appointment with the Robertsons Sally Robertson was trying hard to adjust to all the recent changes in her life due to the family relocation four months earlier. She started her course in the new setting of New Moon two months after they arrived. She was gradually making new friends amongst her course mates. She 36

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knew where the major facilities and conveniences were in the new city. She was just beginning to make it through a day without being excessively tired. Then, out of the blue, Sally received a call from her mom, Martha, who was living on her own in a town two thousand miles away. On her last family doctor’s visit, Martha been diagnosed with advanced colon cancer. She had to receive a radical regimen of treatments since the cancer cells had spread to other parts of her body. Sally was totally devastated. Not only was this bad news, but the timing did not seem right at all. Sally wondered why such an event had happened at this stage of her life when she was already experiencing many other changes. Sally was Martha’s only living child. Martha needed immediate help and Sally was the closest person able to offer it. After some consideration, the Robertsons brought Martha into their new house. Sally arranged for Martha’s treatment to be done in the local hospital in New Moon. Sally’s life and that of her family have suddenly changed (again!) Would this cycle of changes ever end? How will Sally stay sane through all this? How will she rise above the challenges of change with this unexpected complication of an already existing change in her life? Dealing with Complex Change In the Introduction we discussed the fact that changes rarely come by themselves. Often they come in pairs or multiples. Such a complex set of changes could totally disorganize an individual. Our ability to maintain sanity and have a good sense of judgment and understanding in such complex situations will depend upon how we deal with the changes.

We struggle with the complexities and avoid the simplicities -Norman Vincent Peale

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Earlier on we offered twelve tips for dealing with changes. How do these help in situations of complex superimposed changes? How will the Robertsons deal with the complex change situation? Which one of the changes should Sally give attention to first? Can she afford to ignore the remaining ones while she focuses on one at a time? In addition to the suggested tips mentioned above, Sally has to decide the factors of change to deal with in order of importance and urgency. When we face a complex set of changes, it is important to pause, sit back, and analyze the situation with an open mind. Maintaining our sanity during periods like this depends on how we handle the complexity of the changes. It is good to ask questions relating to the priority of the issues that claim our attention. Which factors are associated with the first change? Which factors are associated with the second and subsequent changes? Which in all the listed factors are more urgent or of higher priority? Which factors can be put on the back burner while dealing with the urgent ones first? Tip 6, above, on dealing with changes, comes into play here. Sally needs to examine her options. What are the givens, the controllables, and the negotiables in her situation? Sally would have to decide which changes to attend to first. She might decide to settle her mom in her new city. She might have to devote much of her time to looking after Martha as she goes through her course of treatment. Sally may even have to put her own course on hold for awhile. The art of living consists in knowing which impulses to obey and which must be made to obey -Sydney J. Harris In the chapters that follow, we offer tools that will empower you, the reader, to take charge of your circumstances as you face changes in various areas of your life. These tools will help you overcome the challenges posed by constant complex changes and move forward to the new phase of your life. Our tools are based on our experiences and those of other people as we gleaned time-tested truths from the life of Jesus Christ . In this chapter we offer general concepts of Jesus as our model. These concepts are discussed in more detail in the relevant chapters. 38

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JESUS AS OUR MODEL FOR DEALING WITH CHANGES As we mentioned in the introduction, Jesus has passed this way before, during which time he experienced similar constant and complex changes while. . Like Brad, Jesus took on a new assignment; he left his heavenly throne and came to the world on a mission. Just like the Robertsons, Jesus moved frequently; in fact He had a traveling ministry. Like Kathleen, Jesus lost friends and had to make new ones. Jesus Christ was also ridiculed, misunderstood, alienated (alone), and rejected. Through all these, Jesus found courage and strength from His relationship with the Father. Having a personal relationship with Jesus (see Chapter 10) is an essential foundation for building our lives on His time-tested truths. Despite all the challenges in His path, Jesus was able to fulfill His mission of becoming the Savior of the World. Jesus felt the satisfaction of making new friends and seeing the joy of those He healed. He was a master at using every opportunity in everyday life situations to teach people how to live and love. Laurie Beth Jones, in her book, Jesus in Blue Jeans,5 discussed many truths about the day-to-day life of Jesus while He was here on earth. Some of these truths about Jesus, and others that we have experienced, are useful in viewing Him as our model in dealing with changes. These truths are explained in more detail in the ensuing chapters. We have summarized them below: 1. Jesus celebrated the past and was able to move into the present. He saw the need to remember the past during periods of change. In fact, remembrance is a key principle he taught His disciples. Jesus’ offer of His body as a sacrifice was a change from a previous tradition of sacrifice. He told His followers to celebrate this gift as often as possible. 2. Jesus knew that to move forward, you must leave the past behind and take the right lesson forward. 3. Jesus knew He was not alone in His struggles. In fact, He stayed in close company with His heavenly Father through prayer. He consulted with God whenever He came to a crossroad in His life. 39

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4. Jesus was willing to try new things. He was flexible and willing to look at different options and directions. 5. Jesus had the right perspective about things and issues. When He was insulted, He did not take it personally. He saw beyond the insults to the actual spiritual needs of the people who were flinging the insults. 6. Jesus knew there were phases in dealing with change. He knew life’s changes would not always pose a challenge. He knew that what went up came down. 7. Jesus was locked into His destiny. He knew what His mission was. He was resolved that nothing would hinder Him from fulfilling it. 8. Jesus took a number of risks in His ministry. He was not afraid of pursuing His goals even when they involved risk-taking. 9. Jesus had poise; he could not be moved. He knew how to maintain His stand when confronted on His methods or His approach to His career. 10. The whole gospel of Jesus Christ is that of redemption. This is the ability to recover what has been lost, the opportunity to rebuild. ADDITIONAL WORDS OF WISDOM The following from Jesus’ teachings offers hope in overcoming the challenges of change: Anxiety Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. -Philippians 4:6 Cast all your anxiety upon Him for he cares for you. -I Peter 5:7 Fear The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. -Psalms 118:6 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. -John 14:27 40

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Loneliness He himself said I will never leave you nor forsake you. -Hebrews 13:5 I am with you always. -Matthew 28: 20 Discouragement Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. -John 14:1 We, Dave and Tolu, have used these words of wisdom as well as many time-tested truths from Jesus’ life in various aspects of our lives during phases of transition and change. The next chapter deals with our experiences in educational pursuits.

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TWELVE TIPS FOR OVERCOMING THE CHALLENGE OF CHANGE

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1. Pause, mourn, and acknowledge the past. 2. Maintain faith in yourself by looking at past changes and their results. 3. Reassure yourself that you are not alone in your struggles and that this stage, too, will pass. 4. List your deepest fears about the change. Analyze your expectations. 5. Seek God’s guidance for the next step. 6. Examine your options. Make a list of resources. 7. Learn to accept the limitations of the present. 8. Maintain a constructive attitude. 9. Use humor to cope with change. 10. Maintain your physical and mental well-being. 11. Find a support system of discerning companions. 12. Use mentors.

www.staysanethroughchange.com

Are you looking for a mentor to see you through a transition phase of: Educational pursuits Marriage Parenting Separation or Divorce Remarriage Personal transformation Career exploration Career change Grandparenting Empty nesting Retirement Death of a loved one? Then visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com

www.staysanethroughchange.com

PART I

GETTING READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD

CHAPTER 2 ______________________________

EDUCATION: AN EYE OPENER TO THE REAL WORLD Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive, easy to govern but impossible to enslave -Lord Henry Brougham

GETTING AN EDUCATION IS REACHING FOR GOLD When we, Dave and Tolu, graduated from high school, getting a higher education was priceless. It was the social norm for young adults to attend college or university or some other post-secondary institution. We both came from upper-middle class homes and our parents were well placed in the society. Our respective parents wanted us to become people of some importance in our society. In those days, becoming important was directly proportional to the amount of education you received: the more the better. Mladen et al, in their book, University Planning for Canadians for Dummies,1 offer ten good reasons for people to go to university. Here are some of the cogent ones: A university degree makes it easier to get a job afterwards and opens doors that might otherwise remain closed. University graduates earn more over their lifetimes. A university degree gives you greater flexibility if you decide to change your career. A university education will expose you to critical thinking and logical reasoning. You will learn to grow and discover what you truly love to do. A university learning experience will help you grow as a person. We believe those are great reasons to pursue some form of post-secondary education.

Stay Sane Through Change

We, Dave and Tolu, have both had an opportunity to obtain various degrees of post-secondary education. We have both had the privilege of having the above facts come true in our lives. Our post-secondary education degrees have opened doors, exposed us to critical thinking, and helped us to grow as individuals. Since our first exposure to post-secondary education, we have gone on to assume exciting positions in careers that related to our first basic training and education. We have then gone on to take study breaks in our regular careers, going back to school to pursue different post-graduate courses. I, Dave, went back to school two more times after my first college degree. I, Tolu, sent back to university for the fourth time when I changed careers in mid-life. (My first three were to pursue Bachelor’s, Master’s, and Ph.D. degrees in biomedicine.) Pursuing various levels of post-secondary education and upgrading and retraining have thus been core parts of our career lives. The subsequent graduate education and training opportunities that we received are discussed in Chapters 8 and 9 of this book, the chapters that deal with career pursuits. In this chapter, we will focus on our entry into the post-secondary education world. We have discussed our first set of challenges in taking on the world by getting a college and university education. OUR BASIC EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCES Choosing between business and the ministry I, Dave, took all my education up to the high school level in Barbados in the West Indies. Before graduation, I had an inner drive to pursue the ministry. Two years after committing my life to God, I had an inner urge to go to Bible College. (See more in Chapter 10.) My faith was steadily growing. At this phase of my life, the desire to serve God as a full-time minister was foremost in my mind. I actually had a choice of pursuing a career in business. My dad had a wholesale business of provision goods and manufactured rum. This business had been in the family for many years, as my dad had taken it over from my maternal grandfather. Members of my dad’s family were also in business as plantation owners. These businesses were very successful and provided our family income for many years. 50

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Thus, a business career had been a family tradition for me. Having me, the eldest son (and the second child of three) in the family business must have been my dad’s dream for so many years; however, this calling, the inner desire to serve God, was a major driving factor in my choice. Considering my background, the decision-making was not easy, but I followed my inner calling. I chose to go to Bible College to prepare myself for the ministry. Decision is a sharp knife that cuts clean and straight. Indecision is a dull one that hacks and tears and leaves ragged edges behind -Jan McKeithen This choice came with major changes and further decisions in my life. I was only seventeen at the time. I had never worked on a full-time job. I had only about $600 in savings. I had chosen to attend Bible College in Edmonton, Canada. The colleges in Canada had more recognition and status in the career world than those at home in the West Indies. Another major factor that influenced this choice was the fact that the churches in the West Indies were more connected with those in Canada in terms of training and exchange of human resources. At that time there was also a great influx of Bajan (Barbadian) people into Canada. Thus, my decision to take my Bible college training in Canada was rational. This program definitely required a lot of financial resources. I had to think about money for the school fees, my accommodation, and general upkeep in Edmonton. I had to factor in money for the flight from the West Indies to Canada and subsequent ones should I decide to go home for the holidays and/or the school break. I had to think of how to support myself in this new venture in my life. It was a huge challenge. I finally braced myself and approached my parents. This career choice was mine, not my parents'. It was not what they had desired for me. My dad finally agreed to support me in any way possible. He reiterated that the choice of career was mine but expressed his disappointment on my leaving the business career pathway. He agreed to offer some support toward payment of my expenses. I left my home 51

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country and affluent family background and went overseas to a strange land to attend a Bible college and fulfill my heart’s desire. Attending college in Edmonton exposed me to a wide variety of changes in my life. I was seventeen and had been in a relationship with a girl back in Barbados. It was not easy keeping up with such a relationship 5000 miles away. That was one of the first set of changes to which I had to adapt. I also found big differences in the concept of ‘dating’. Dating a girl in Barbados signifies having a relationship with her. I found this was not the Canadian dating norm. You can date a girl in Canada without having any relationship or intention of such. The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet -Aristotle, in Diogenes Laertius, I also experienced big cultural changes in other areas. Moving from Barbados, a lovely island, to the prairie town of Edmonton is certainly a significant change. The two cities are so different! In Barbados, we had warm, even temperatures all year round. When I arrived in Edmonton in the fall, I was welcomed by cold weather and lots of snow. Edmonton is a large city compared to Barbados, and there are no lovely beaches. Leaving home with all its comfort and the support of friends and family was difficult. When I got to Edmonton, I experienced loneliness in the midst of a crowd. I had all these people around me, yet I felt alone. It took some time before I got over my feeling of homesickness, but making the move from Barbados to Edmonton with a cousin of mine who was attending the same college helped me to adjust. Leaving my parents was another issue. Prior to coming to Canada, I had lived practically all of my life at home with my parents. Thus, having to miss the fancy cooking at home and all the friendship of my peers developed over my early years were factors of huge change in this move. I had grown up in a relatively spoiled environment. My family was quite affluent and we had maids at home who did the housekeeping, so I did not have to do a lot of chores around the house. However, this was quickly reversed when I arrived in Edmonton; I now had to face the reality of doing chores by myself. 52

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I also experienced a change with the removal of my parents' general restrictions and discipline. While living at home with them, I had to obey an 11.00 p.m. curfew strictly enforced by my dad. However, upon arriving in Edmonton, I had all the ‘freedom’ I could possibly want. There were no restrictions of any kind and I was free to do whatever I liked without anyone looking over my shoulder. This was a big change for me. Over time, I would learn that this kind of freedom comes with responsibility. I had to learn to utilize my freedom well by spending my time on the right things. I had to learn to work hard and focus on my studies. The difference in my financial status was also a huge change. To supplement my allowance from my dad, I had to take up part-time jobs outside the school environment. I worked on odd jobs such as shoveling snow from sidewalks and baby-sitting. I had to adapt quickly to the system of combining study and part-time work. I had to learn the skills of time management.

Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it and to hear an injustice without wanting to get even -Ann Landers Another major change to which I had to adapt was the Canadian system of discipline and respect versus the system in Barbados. In many aspects, Barbados has adopted the British way of life. I once had an interesting incident with regard to showing respect for college professors. I was used to standing up to acknowledge a teacher's entry into the classroom. When my cousin and I stood to acknowledge the entry of the college professor during our first class in Bible College, it caused quite a stir within the student body. I always laugh about the incident whenever I recollect it. I adjusted well to the changes I encountered during my transition into student life in Bible College. I settled in well and worked hard on my course of study while doing part-time work to sustain myself. At the 53

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beginning of my second year in college, I met the woman who became my wife. She was also a student in the college and I got to know her because she helped me with the typing of my assignments. We got married after my second year of college. This was another big change for me during my college days (more on this in Chapter 3). I worked right through college on a part-time basis, sometimes doing odd jobs and later as a welder. During my last year in college, I took up a janitorial position. This paid more than the previous odd jobs. I continued in this position for another year after graduation, using it to ease the transition into my career life as a minister. During my college days, I was looking out for opportunities to enter my calling to pastor a church. Having gotten married during college, the decision-making now hinged on the fact that I had become a family man. My spouse and I agreed to go back to the West Indies to work. Thus, my full year of janitorial work helped to raise money for our trip back to the Islands. My transition from full-time schooling to full-time work presented me with another important choice. My desire to work as a minister was still foremost in my mind, as it was before I attended college. However, when I got back to Barbados, my dad offered me an owner/manager job in a service station he had bought for me. I was also offered a position as Pastor of a church on one of the islands. Making this decision was not easy, just as deciding on the course of study had not been easy. Our mission in life should always be clearly set. As we are continually faced with changes, our life goals will be put to the test, but if we are true to our calling, we will be better able to deal with those changes and rise above the challenges they bring. I aligned myself with my mission and accepted the position of Pastor. A pharmacist ‘by design’ My (Tolu) experience of transitions in post-secondary education hinged on a different set of factors. I took my secondary and first university education in Nigeria, my home country. Unlike Dave, I did not have to cross the ocean. Neither did I have to take on huge financial responsibilities when I was pursuing my Bachelor’s program. My university education was sponsored by my parents. Typically, most middle- and upper-class Nigerian parents sponsor their children's 54

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education up to the stage of their first college degree. The government system in Nigeria did not award student loans, so each family was responsible for its own children in terms of education and many other social facilities. Another difference between my experience and Dave’s is the fact that I did not have to adjust to leaving home for my post-secondary education. I attended a boarding school for five years during my secondary education and went back home for the summer holidays; therefore, I was quite used to life away from home for study purposes. By the time I was planning my university attendance, I was accustomed to living in an educational institution. However, just like Dave, I found that university boarding came with a relatively vast amount of freedom. The restrictions imposed on me in the secondary school system were absent in the university dorms. I, too, had to learn to utilize this freedom in a responsible manner. The first major factor of change during my post-secondary education revolved around choosing a career. The second factor was that of transitioning from high school class settings to university lecture theatres and the general university environment. My third post-secondary educational challenge of change was choosing a job after graduation. The events surrounding my choice of a course of study offer an interesting story. The Nigerian secondary school education system follows the two-tiered British pattern. The first level of educationordinary ‘O’, a five-year course- is the basic requirement for graduation into the entry-level, job-seeking world. However, the advanced ‘A’ level, which takes an additional two years to complete, is recommended for those seeking to pursue a university education. Consistent with this pattern, the Nigerian university system offers two admission options for its candidates. The candidates who have excellent grades in their ‘O’ level exams may apply for admission to a preliminary class (prelim) in the university system. This prelim class is a one-year course that simulates the major concepts offered through the ‘A’ level course. The second option for university entrance is to go through the ‘A’ level education system after the first five-year ‘O’ level course. The ‘A’ level course is two years of intensive training in three subjects of the candidate’s choice. If the grades earned on the ‘A’ level exams are high enough for the desired field of study, the candidate is 55

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admitted directly to the first year of a three-year subjects), i.e., he or she skips the prelim year.

course (in most

The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice -George Eliot During the final year of my ‘O’ level class, I had a number of options. I found that I was very good in the physical sciences. On the other hand, I had come to like French as a subject and received excellent grades in the exams. In the system existing at that time, these two fields were mutually exclusive. Today, I would be eligible to pursue a Physics and French double major! Thus, I had to decide which career I really wanted to pursue. I had been greatly influenced by my dad, whose profession was pharmacy. Following in his profession seemed the natural pathway; he had always wanted one of his children (a total of eight) to be a pharmacist. My senior brother had gone into the field of Medicine and my two older sisters were in the field of Arts. That left me, the next in line to be a good candidate for fulfilling his dreams. As it turned out, I went through the ‘A’ level system in anticipation of getting a direct entry to pursue Pharmacy. Yes, I was the girl of my dad’s dreams! On finishing my ‘A’ level exams, I had good scores in my physical sciences, but the admission office was not pleased with my score in Biology. I was faced with two options. The first was to go back and take a prelim class towards a course in Pharmacy, a total of four years on top of my ‘A’ levels. The second was to wait patiently to get admission to some other direct entry course for which I had been put on the waiting list. Had I chosen this second option-a total of three years-I could have become a physics or chemistry major. The events of this story reveal how much I was actually ‘designed’ to follow the course of Pharmacy. I ended up dropping the option of waiting in line (perhaps for two to three weeks after the beginning of session) since I already had admission to the prelim class toward the Pharmacy course. I mustered my courage and put my mind afresh to the course of study. I adjusted well to the huge classes and the fast pace at which the lectures were delivered. (The prelim classes were especially 56

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large, as they were combined classes for all candidates in science-related disciplines.) I believed that even though I had to go the long route of taking ‘A’ levels and then prelim, I was still heading toward the chosen goal of becoming a pharmacist. I had committed to this pathway. During the mid-session break, I went home to visit my family. At that time, I was more than half-way through the prelim class of pharmacy in university. During the visit, I was helping with the house-cleaning and discovered an unopened letter addressed to me in my dad’s room. I need to explain that my dad was a meticulous man who was very organized and did not regard anything as trivial. This letter was an admission letter from the Chemistry department of the same university I was attending, offering me a place in their direct entry class at the beginning of the school year. The letter was written about three weeks after the beginning of the school year in the first semester. I was both surprised and pleased. By some special design, my dad did not even recollect receiving the letter. I knew if the letter had been delivered to me when it arrived, I would have found it really difficult to stay on in a prelim class toward a Pharmacy course. Perhaps I would have preferred to shift straight to the direct entry Chemistry major course. The one lesson I learned from this experience was that a party of more than one was interested in my pursuing the Pharmacy course. Yes, my earthly father was keen, but my heavenly Father was also very supportive of the decision. This solidified my assurance that the career of pharmacy was for me. This solid assurance served as a back-up source of courage during the pharmacy course of study. Unlike secondary school days, the courses were very demanding. The lecture hours were long and every subject had a practical part attached to it. My schedule was from 8.00 a.m. to 5.00 p.m. (with a one-hour break in between) of lectures or practical almost every day of the week. Then I had to write up the results of experiments performed during those practical sessions and study the theory notes. However, whenever I remembered that I was ‘designed’ to follow that course, I had confidence to rise above the challenges. I adjusted to the rigorous schedule, sailed through, and graduated as what a friend called a ‘pharmacist by design’. 57

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During my final year of the Pharmacy course, another big issue was transitioning from school life to full-time work. During the course of study, I had come to enjoy the intricacies of learning new things, researching issues and general critical thinking; I was tending more toward academic pharmacy, research, and lectureship. As it happened, my graduating class was given a special opportunity in this regard. Normally, graduates from earlier years who intended to pursue graduate studies toward a Master's degree were allowed to do so only after completing a first year of internship as a pharmacist and a second year in the special national service program. Thus, an intending Master’s program candidate could only be registered two years after graduation from the Bachelor’s program. My graduating class was presented with an opportunity to combine a course of study toward a Master’s degree with a hospital pharmacy attachment during the internship year. It was such a golden opportunity that all aspiring candidates were eager to take advantage of it. In my case, my decision-making was not so straightforward. I had a great desire to take on this opportunity; it only seemed rational since I enjoyed research-like programs and was interested in pursuing graduate studies. However, I faced another major issue that influenced my decision. During my second year as a Pharmacy undergraduate, my dad had resigned from the highest pharmacy position in the government. He had set up his own pharmacy (drug mart). In fact, I had worked with him in this pharmacy during the summer vacations prior to my graduation. The general expectation was that I would take a permanent position in the pharmacy once I graduated. If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise

-Robert Fritz

The offer to do a Master’s program during my internship was foremost in my mind. After much consideration, I took the graduate degree path. In my heart I resolved that this was what I really wanted to 58

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do, and decided to reserve some time in the future to work with my dad in his pharmacy. Looking back over the years, I am glad I made that choice then. I had the opportunity of working with my dad after the second national service year. So, to me, it was a matter of timing. Just like the Robertsons in Chapter 1, I had made a list of my resources and looked at my options at the time. Over time, I achieved both of my major desires: graduate program and working with my dad. I just accomplished them in my order of priority. JESUS AS OUR MODEL During our educational pursuits we, Dave and Tolu, sought God for courage and strength every step of the way. We also received guidance when, from time to time, we looked at Jesus’ life and asked what He would have done if He was in a similar situation to ours. This process helped us in many ways as we recollect that: 1. Jesus consulted with God in His decision-making process. When at a crossroads, Jesus sought God’s guidance. Jesus asked God for strength on a continuous basis. Whenever He faced difficult situations, Jesus went back to God in prayers. He strengthened Himself in God. Jesus strengthened Himself in God. 2. Jesus had his long-range goals set before Him. He knew what His mission was. He knew ultimately that He had to fulfill the great task of being the Savior of the world. He did not let events or circumstances distract Him from this mission. 3. Jesus did the right things at the right time. On one occasion, before the start of His ministry, Jesus was asked to help prevent an impending disaster at a wedding party when the host ran out of wine. Jesus had then implied that there were right times to do right things. 4. Jesus broke His tasks into achievable pieces for each time period. Even though He knew what his long-term goal was, He did not set out to accomplish it all in one day. Instead, He took time to choose His disciples, build this team of twelve, and eventually go the way of the cross. 59

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5. Jesus was not afraid to explore new things. In fact, he took a lot of risks. He traveled to a number of places that were considered risky for Him as a Jew—for example, Samaria. There He even spent time talking to a woman who was not very popular because of her previous background. Jesus knew that life involved a lot of risk-taking. 6. Jesus took a bold step in leaving the familiarity of home to start a public ministry at the age of thirty. He had to leave the comforts of the home of His earthly parents, Joseph and Mary. He had to leave friends and neighbors that had become part of His life for a long period. He knew He had a mission and was set on fulfilling it at all costs. 7. Before launching out into the career world of His public ministry, Jesus went into the wilderness for 40 days after His baptism. Jesus took time in the form of an extensive retreat in order to prepare Himself for the next phase of His life. By using these key points about Jesus as a model, we were motivated to pursue our long-term goals during our first degree programs. These time-tested truths worked for us and helped us to maintain our sanity during the various phases of our schooling. Society today is quite different from what it was when we pursued our first college degrees. Approaches to educational pursuits have been immensely diversified by the advent of new technologies. Despite the differences, some salient points about education still hold true: • To make a true difference in your society, you need to get some education. • Pursuing education causes a huge change in the lives of people. • People face a number of great challenges during their educational pursuits. People need tools for coping with the huge changes they face during their educational pursuits. • The time-tested truths based on Jesus as a model, as discussed above, are very relevant today in managing the challenges of pursuing an education.

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DEALING WITH THE CHANGES FACED DURING EDUCATIONAL PURSUITS The following are the major transitional challenges that people face while pursuing post-secondary education in today’s society. They will help you to stay sane as you rise above the challenges imposed by the changes. We have also included a number of tips for dealing with each challenge. Making minimal decisions to making life-shaking decisions In preparation for college, students will need to make some important choices. The factors are many: which course of study, where, when, and how to pursue post-secondary education This is a major transition from barely making choices on their own to making essential ones that will have an impact on their future life. Tips: (a) Take time to check available information guides. Be wellinformed. Make informed decisions. (The Appendix at the back of this book has some resources for decision-making regarding college and career choices.) (b) Remember that you are unique. You are the one going to live your life afterwards. The decision you make now will impact heavily on your future. (c) Seek God’s guidance in your decision-making. Decision-making requires a lot of courage. Ask God for courage to make the right decisions. Living at home versus living away from home Moving away from home is a big change. The general living conditions in a dorm or rented apartment cannot be compared with living with your parents. Changing from Mom’s cooking to dorm food or Kraft dinners and pizzas, or from Dad’s posh car to a less convenient vehicle requires huge lifestyle adjustments. Transitioning from asking for opinions to making independent decisions is also an important element. As we have mentioned, the big issue of freedom to do whatever you like is also important when you live on your own. 61

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Tips (a) Make use of your friends and peers. Share your talent resources. Your roommate may be good at doing some chores that you do not care about, and vice versa. Pooling and sharing resources goes a long way towards making life easier. It is also good time management. (b) Time management skills are essential for utilizing your ‘freedom’ well. Remember, freedom comes with responsibility. (c) This is a great opportunity to practice your future living. Make the best of the practice, and you will be ready to manage when you are living on your own after graduation. Taking on major financial responsibilities The sum total of college fees, books, rent, maintenance, and upkeep make pursuing education a major financial commitment. This is a big transition for those whose parents have looked after their finances up to the point of college entry. Tips: (a) As mentioned in Chapter 1, make a list of the resources you need to pursue your goals adequately. Find means of ensuring that the ones you lack are put in place. Seek financial aid through bursaries and loans. (b) Ability to manage finances is an important part of growing as a person. It is a sign of maturity and another great opportunity to practice your future living. Make the best of the practice. Taking on part-time and/or co-op jobs Income from part-time jobs goes a long way in easing the burden of loans. Make the best of such income earning positions. Co-op placements earn essential points on your resume. Tips: (a) For part-time jobs, make sure your job and course schedules do not clash. Good time management will enable you to effectively juggle work and study schedules. (b) Course planning is essential for success in college. This is especially important if you have a part-time job. Check all the options available for each particular course in terms of timing and technology 62

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enhancement. See how well you can combine them into a schedule that works for you. (c) Make the most of co-op job opportunities. High quality job experiences will enhance your possibilities of getting a good job after graduation. From high school environment to university environment Studying and living habits in the university are quite different in many ways from those in high school. Tips: (a) If you are finding it hard to cope with your courses, take a course on study skills. These are available in most university settings and will help your transition from high school to university-level study skills (b) You may need to seek new friends at the university who have similar goals to yours. You may need to alter relationships with old high school friends who have interests and goals dissimilar from yours. Romantic relationships Romantic relationships are usually at their prime during college and university days. Tips: (a) It may be challenging to separate issues like dating and attending a college or university. What is important is the balancing act. Being able to balance involvement in romantic relationships and educational goals requires wisdom. (b) Ask God for wisdom in this balancing act. (See more in Chapter 3.) Graduation: the transition from school life to full-time work This is a major issue of college life. The long-term goal for most university students is to graduate and get a job. Thus, it is thus one of the most decisive factors for other choices made over the course of study. Like preparing to go to college, transitioning from student life to fulltime work requires planning, 63

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Tips: (See more resources listed in the Appendix.) (a) It is essential to start planning right from the second year of a four-year course. Start making a list of your various job options. Check the requirements. Make sure you are working to meet those requirements in your course of study. (b) Attend career and job fairs on campus. Make the best of opportunities offered by the university career office. (c) Seek God’s guidance in your decision-making process. GENERAL TIPS FOR THOSE PURSUING EDUCATION 1. Have a long-range goal. This keeps you in focus while planning for, attending and graduating from post-secondary education. Knowing what you want to do—or at least setting your mind to discover it—will help keep you focused on your course of study. 2. Exercise strict discipline and keep to your schedule. Good time management goes a long way towards ensuring your success. 3. Remember that you may feel overwhelmed at times. Try to break each stage into small steps and take them one at a time. 4. Maintain a positive attitude. Believe you can do it. 5. Ask God for strength and courage all through the process. 6. List your resources, financial and otherwise. Check what you need to make your goals achievable. 7. If you find you lack any of the resources, work towards putting them in place. Seek help for provision of the physical, spiritual or other resources that may be lacking. 8. Seek God’s guidance in your decision-making. Many of your decisions will have a major impact on your future life. 9. Have a support system in place—friends, family, mentors— someone you can talk to when you need to ease tension, someone you can hang out with for a refreshing break, someone with whom you can share accountability. 10. Do not be afraid to ask for help from your peers and friends. Share talent resources. 11. Maintain your physical and mental well-being.

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ADDITIONAL WORDS OF WISDOM 1. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. -Proverbs 3: 5, 6 2. If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all

generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. -James 1:5

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PART II

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD: MARRIAGE AND FAMILY

CHAPTER 3 ______________________________

NEW ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE All change, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves, we must die to one life before we can enter into another. - Anatole France

For most people, getting married is a welcome change for good reasons. Many people look forward to this change in social status in anticipation of satisfaction, joy, and happiness. You find the love of your life and are generally willing to drop many things (literally) to follow after this unique life pursuit. However, it is an understatement to say that marriage involves huge lifestyle changes. Many of the factors associated with this change are centered on loss of independence by each of the two partners. Marriage has been rightly called two individuals becoming one. FACTS ABOUT MARRIAGE Benefits Human nature desires romantic relationships because they give us great pleasure and enhance our sense of well-being. Desiring companionship of the opposite sex is the way we are made as human beings. Marriage is a well accepted social norm, and is viewed as the natural progression of life that occurs in adulthood. It is geared toward our personal growth.

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A good marriage is a stabilizing force in the constant changes encountered in today’s society. Marriage is intended to bring wonderful new things to our lives and to give more satisfaction, joy, or peace. In many cases getting married is a change that protects or improves us as human beings. It is not surprising that despite all the difficulties and breakdowns in marriage relationships today, it is still a relationship that adults of all ages eagerly seek. The search for a perfect mate is not hindered by the high divorce rate in our society today. Marriage entails a significant number of changes, as it is a totally different lifestyle from being single. Thus, people should spend plenty of time discussing, understanding, and rationalizing the changes and decisions about marriage. This process will not only go a long way in helping the partners to embrace the changes, but will also promote stability well into married life.

The more a change protects or improves what we value, the more likely we are to embrace it. Challenges The high rate of marriage dissolution in today’s society has resulted in a lot of dissatisfaction and worry over entry into marriage relationships. The media generates a tremendous number of negative images associated with marriage. Despite all this, marriage remains one of people's most desired relationships. Factors contributing to the altered image of marriage in today’s society Many factors have made the marriage-divorce-remarriage pattern more common in today’s society. (See also Chapters 5 and 6.) In today’s 70

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society, more people are entering into marriage with the expectation that they will either divorce if things do not work out or will live happily ever after with their spouses. Both are recipes for failure promoted by the societal norms propagated through the media. Today’s consumer culture presents the consumer with an opportunity to have almost anything in ‘disposable’ form. Disposable articles like diapers and meal packages are the norm. The resulting mentality has extended to friends and spouses. Pre-nuptial contract agreements are commonplace, and the prolific matrimonial law practices offer easy access to perceived solutions. The catalogue culture of today also presents the consumer with a wide variety of choices. Lamana and Riedman1 stated that there is a declining perceived advantage of marriage because being single is now regarded as an ‘optional’ rather than a ‘deviant’ lifestyle. According to these authors, “Virtually socially accepted alternatives to permanent marriage—being divorced, cohabitating, and remaining permanently single—have emerged.” The rapidly growing media, coupled with fast advances in internet technology (as explained in the Introduction), offers more choices faster and easier than ever before. Internet dating and matchmaking has become a billion dollar industry in the United States.2 Internet pornography plays a significant role in diverting married partners’ attention away from their spouses, often leading to breakdowns in relationships. Another factor in today’s society is the need for instant gratification. In previous times, people were more willing to wait for many years to see the fruits of their efforts. Now people want everything ‘yesterday’ and are not willing to make many sacrifices to make their marriage successful. All these factors in today’s society add up, resulting in a twenty-first century reinvented image of marriage relationships. Despite all these factors, a disposition toward marriage continues to thrive, especially among those of Generation X, who are anxious to avoid the unfortunate experiences of their boomer parents. Pamela Paul, in her book, The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony,3 reiterates that this desire was born out of the unpleasant experiences of these young people, such as alimony disputes, visits to divorced dads, Mom’s dates, and stepfamilies. Paul believes that “today’s generation is reacting against divorce by romanticizing marriage.” 71

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Marriage Statistics Studies of marriage trends and dissolution patterns in the United States and Canada portray the decline in longevity of marriages in today’s society. According to a 2001 report, the marriage rate is 8.4 per 1000 population, whereas the divorce rate is 4.0 per 1000 population, resulting in a 2 to 1 ratio of marriage to divorce.4 About 43 percent of first marriages end in separation or divorce within 15 years, according to a study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control. The report also found that the older the bride, the longer the marriage will last.5 In Canada, despite increases in common-law unions, Statistics Canada reports that in 2002 about 84 percent of Canadian families were headed by married couples.6 Common law unions (co-habitation), where unmarried couples of the opposite sex live together as husband and wife in the same household, continue to increase. In 2001, 14 percent of all couples were common-law. CBC News quoted a report by the Vanier Institute of the Family7 that confirms this trend. It found that in 1981, about 65 percent of both men and women could be expected to marry at least once by the time they reached the age of 50. Today, 51 percent of women and 48 percent of men can be expected to marry by age 50. Fewer couples are getting legally married; more couples are choosing common-law unions.

A “mix and match” approach to marriage? Today’s catalogue culture also offers increasingly acceptable new options in terms of living relationships. A recent Statistics Canada report8 stated that more couples are "living apart together (LAT)". This means that couples keep their own homes while continuing to have an intimate relationship with each other. Eight percent (one in 12) of Canadians aged 20 and over fit into this category. Some of the younger LAT couples say they may decide to move in together or get married, while many of the older ones preserve the arrangement. Some have already been married or are taking care of children or sick parents and prefer to keep their relationship outside of their homes. The report also says being LAT "prevents an unequal 72

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division of domestic labor and care giving while allowing them to retain their independence." This kind of living arrangement is a societal trend resulting from people trying to acquire the benefits of a marriage relationship without taking on the ‘discomfort’ of having to adjust to another person’s lifestyle. It is a result of the “mix and match” options in today’s catalogue culture. CHOOSING “MARRIAGE” Some people do not get married because of the high risk that it will end in divorce, especially in today’s fast-paced society. Divorce settlements often result in a high cost situation for the man. These men are not alone in their struggles. Even as far back as Biblical times, some twelve members of Jesus’ team saw the challenges of marriage and thought it might be ‘safer’ not to marry. While the rationale for their struggle was different from that in today’s society, Jesus’ answer to their comment is as true today as it was then. Jesus told them that not all men are ‘designed’ to be single.9 Many people go for the alternative living arrangements mentioned above for various reasons. Some feel entering into a commitment with an uncertain fate is too risky. To some, the burden of having to go through a lifestyle adjustment involves too much hard work. Others are hindered by fear of failure, or a fear that they may be unable to meet the physical, sexual, and emotional needs of the other partner. Others simply don’t want to be tied down with extended family responsibilities such as in-laws. In today’s catalogue culture, some people feel it might be too boring to live together on a continuous basis with the same individual (non-ending togetherness). Assuming that you are able to see the more positive outcomes of a marriage relationship and have decided on it, what are the issues to consider before saying “I do”? Loss of independence is a big issue for newly married couples. How will you deal with this? How can you manage this huge change? How will you move successfully through this transition phase of your lives? How can ‘two’ truly become ‘one’? 73

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Before you get married: preparing for a lifetime of adjustment to change Even though marriage is a change we desire as human beings, it is a huge change for the individuals and requires significant adjustments in many areas of their lives. It is a big lifetime commitment on the part of both the wife and the husband. The above figures on longevity of marriages in today’s society indicate that not enough thought and action are being put into marriage preparation. Planning for the wedding day can take up most of your and your partner’s energy and time, but marriage preparation courses or consultation should be a significant element in the planning process. It is often more productive to have such courses or consultation with the trainer or licensed practitioner a few months before the wedding. As the wedding draws near, it is often more difficult for the bride and groom to focus and pay attention because of time pressures and their increasing involvement in social activities. We have included some general concepts to assist you, the intended couple, in overcoming the challenge of making changes and adjustments in your married life. As discussed in Chapter 1, knowledge is power. Knowing what the issues are is a first step to solving the problem. Concept 1: Leaving This is the core aspect of change in your marriage. You and your partner should be ready to shift your primary allegiance from your parents and friends to each other. Leaving entails psychological (emotion), mental (attitude), physical (residence), and spiritual parting. It is essential that you and your partner do not bring pain from the past (from your primary family backgrounds) into the new setting. If you have had a sexual, emotional, or physical experience that could hinder you in relating well with your partner, consider going for counseling. This will help release your past hurts so you can move forward in the new direction. As mentioned in Chapter 1, you and your partner need to bring lessons and positive experiences from your primary families into your own new family setting to celebrate the changes you have both made.

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Concept 2: Cleaving Cleaving means the mutual ability to depend on each other, i.e., meeting each other’s needs.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two shall become one flesh

-Mark 10: 7 – 9

Concept 3: Communication You and your partner need to know the three components of communication: the content, the tone, and the non-verbal aspects. You need to be able to adapt to each other’s needs by using listening skills and empathy. Communication is the lifeline of a relationship Concept 4: Financial Planning Managing family finances is a major issue in a marriage. This is an area where you and your partner will have to adjust to each other’s lifestyles and come to a compromise in your own new family. Budgeting together is essential. Career issues and financing go hand-in-hand. You need to discuss implications of the single income versus dual income status. Concept 5: Roles and Responsibilities Defining the roles of each partner is also an essential part of managing the transition from singleness to being a couple. As single people, you and your partner have duties and responsibilities in your primary family setting. Since the two of you are now going to be a family, it is essential to discuss what kind of roles you are going to play in your own unit. This is especially important in terms of the process of decision-making. It is

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good to discuss who handles the financial issues and what kind of housework you and your partner will do. Sharing child care and child raising responsibilities and handling of family business such as major and minor purchases are also important. You should also delineate spiritual leadership roles, such as the teaching of moral values. Concept 6: Family Planning and Sexuality Sexuality is an essential part of our human nature, so it is a huge factor in marriage. Meeting each other’s needs for sexual fulfillment is an essential root of a solid marriage. Sexuality is for procreation as well as for human pleasure. You and your partner should take time to discuss the when, how, and where of raising children. (We have also listed other courtship and marriage resources in the Appendix.) CHALLENGES FACED DURING THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE The big wedding day and the honeymoon have come and gone. What kind of challenges should you expect during your first year of marriage? This initial phase of marriage requires the most adjustment. You will become more aware of your altered life in terms of loss of independence. You will realize your room space has decreased and you have passed from aloneness to always having company. A most significant change is your relationship with your partnershifting from being great friends to being soul mates. Every day you get an opportunity to discover previously-hidden things about your spouse, and you may find some surprises. You will have to adapt to new ways of doing things because of the differences in your and your partner's habits, such as cleanliness. You may have to change jobs, which may yield a lower income. Depending on where you and your partner agree to set up your home, you may have to relocate. Because this stage usually involves furnishing or re-furnishing your home, financial issues may arise every day. In-laws and other extended family members will be a big factor, especially if they live nearby. Your commitment to your spouse will likely require a shift in the nature of 76

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your relationships with previous friends. You may be more interested in cultivating new, couple-based friendships. Change is not made without inconvenience even from worse to better-

Samuel Johnson

As you can see, you may expect a whole gamut of changes in your first year of marriage. At times, the challenges posed by these changes could be overwhelming; however, you can stay sane through this change period. You and your partner need to realize that you will not necessarily agree on everything. Being able to accept this is the first step in rising above the challenges of your transition from single to married life. It is important to continue adjusting to each other and to enjoy the togetherness. OUR EXPERIENCES Dave As mentioned in Chapter 2, I (Dave) met my spouse at Bible College in Edmonton. I had been in the college for over a year. My spouse, Sandy, had come to the college as a student for a one-year course. I was taking a three-year diploma course. I got to know her through our interactions in the study room. In Bible College, our assignments had to be submitted in a typed format. At that time, I was not very good at typing. Sandy was born and raised in Alberta and had gone through the high school system in Canada. She had taken typing as one of her courses and was very proficient. Thus, from time to time, I would ask for her help in typing my assignments. I wanted to get to know her better and I saw this as an opportunity to do so. She graciously agreed, and that was the beginning of our friendship. As I mentioned in Chapter 2, I had been dating a girl in Barbados before I left. Keeping up this relationship proved to be rather challenging. There is a quotation that says “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” In my case, the quotation was incomplete. I found that 77

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absence made my heart grow fonder for someone else. I called my former girlfriend and we both agreed not to pursue the relationship any further. Over the course of time, Sandy and I grew fond of each other. I saw many qualities in her that would make our relationship work. I believed she would be a real support in my profession. I discovered we had similar interests and goals. We had like faith and like values. As Sandy and I got to know each other better, I proposed marriage to her. I was more ready to commit to a relationship due to my Bajan (Barbadian) dating culture. To love and be loved by another person is perhaps the single most satisfying experience on earth-Les & Leslie Parrott In Barbados, dating a girl implies courtship, which is commitment to a relationship. In Canada, dating a girl is a casual event that does not necessarily involve a commitment. Thus, Sandy was slower to commit because of her Canadian concept of dating. When she agreed, we began our formal courtship. We decided to have our wedding at the completion of her studies. At that time, I had just completed my second year of studies. Sandy and I shared similar interests so we were compatible, but no two people are alike. I liked watching sports while Sandy was not too keen on them. She liked gardening, about which I was not particularly eager. We had so many more other things in common, however, that this difference was not an issue. Over the course of time, we have learned to compromise with each other’s unique interests. Life has to be shared. As we were committed to marriage, we approached our parents about the issue. Both parents were in total agreement with the plan. Sandy’s parents were prairie grain farmers. My family’s background was in the sugarcane plantation business. Later, my dad set up a business in wholesale goods. Because I had grown up in a different family business setting, I had to adjust to my in-laws. Our wedding took place in a small community near Edmonton, close to the farm where Sandy’s parents lived. My father was able to come from Barbados for the occasion. He traveled a lot in his business and 78

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could combine this with the wedding trip. My mom was not able to come for the wedding but visited us soon afterwards. As a young, newly married couple, we had great hopes and aspirations for the future. All throughout my college days, my desire to be in full-time ministry was continuously fueled. I shared this with my spouse and she was totally committed to this vision. We decided to go back to the West Indies after my graduation to pursue this dream. As I mentioned in Chapter 2, I had taken up part-time employment while in college to supplement my allowance. During my college days, I learned how to weld but never took it up as a part-time vocation. Instead, I did some janitorial work because at that time it was more compatible with my study schedule. It was more difficult to get a parttime employment as a welder, whereas in the janitorial field, there were lots of job opportunities. Another important factor was that janitorial work paid much more than welding work. So, during my third year of college, I continued this part-time janitorial employment. This worked out really well, as I was able to make a good income. In fact, I discovered that my total monthly income from the janitorial jobs was more than that of the bank manager in one of the places I cleaned! As a married man, my first joy was moving away from the flat I had shared with three other bachelors. Sandy and I got our own apartment. I was glad to have a suite I could call my family’s home. It was a good experience for me. After our wedding, Sandy took up full-time employment while I continued in my third year of studies. She decided not to pursue the option of taking more courses from the college. Our plan was to move back to the West Indies after my graduation. The income from my janitorial work, combined with my wife’s fulltime employment income, became very useful for our home furnishings in the initial stage of our married life. After graduation from college, I continued my janitorial employment on a full-time basis. We saved toward our dream of going back to the West Indies. After our wedding, I discovered I had to shift my priorities in terms of my former bachelor friends. The combination of my studies, part-time work, and new responsibilities as a married man did not leave me with enough time to spend with these old friends of mine, most of whom were still bachelors. I found I just could no longer run off with them on an impromptu basis. As a married man, I needed more planning in my 79

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life. The new life was a shared one with my spouse, and I had to take her into account when taking up any assignments, be it at work or for leisure. Over time, we began to spend more time with couples. As I mentioned in Chapter 2, my cousin, who came from Barbados to attend the same Bible College, came to live with us for a few months. By and large, this arrangement worked out well. The period helped me to align with the fact that I was a newly married man. Some tension arose when ties with my former boyhood friend conflicted with the needs and expectations of my new wife. It was a good lesson for me to re-focus my priorities in terms of old friends. When we set up our home, we had little or no interference from my in-laws. From time to time, we would visit them at their farm. My fatherin-law was a gem, a very pleasant man, and we had lots of good times together. I particularly enjoyed going to the farm. I loved the large space and the freedom to explore. I went on fishing and hunting trips with my father-in-law. That helped us to bond and we got along very well.

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years

-Simone Signoret

I had to adjust to some changes when I visited with my in-laws, especially in terms of the weather and the setup in their house. Since their bathroom was an outhouse, using it in the middle of a cold night, at minus 400C, required some planning. I had to get dressed and put on long johns and a thick jacket. Having grown up in a warm climate in Barbados, this was a bit intimidating for me. Later on, I was more than happy to help them install a bathroom with inside plumbing! During our second year of marriage, we were blessed with a baby girl (see more in Chapter 4). It was hard on Sandy’s parents when it came time for us to leave for the West Indies. Sandy, however, was all excited and eager to leave because even before she had met me, she had dreams about going to the West Indies to serve God. When we arrived in the West Indies, we stayed with my parents in Barbados for about two 80

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months. My spouse got along with my parents very well, but had to adjust to Baja (Barbadian) ways. After about two months, we went off to Carriacou on the small island of Grenada where I took up an appointment as the Pastor of a church. We had to make some more cultural adjustments. (See more in Chapter 4.) At that point, I had already encountered a number of changes in my transition to married life. I quickly adjusted from loneliness to a life of companionship—a welcome change. I switched from a life of bachelorhood with three other men to a life of mutual dependence with my wife. I still continued my education after I got married, but I took up more part-time employment, which helped shore up our finances as a married couple. I adjusted well to my wife’s family and became close friends with my father-in-law. I had to shift the terms of my relationship with my old bachelor friends. I learned to pay close attention to the needs of my new wife. It was easy for me to rise above the challenges of these changes because they were all positive ones that I desired. Becoming a married man was a fulfillment of one of my personal goals Looking back over the years, I realize that the fundamental principle that helped us over the years was our commitment to do the work of the ministry. This goal that was set during our courtship and early years of marriage has helped us in our marriage ever since. Tolu I clearly remember the events that led to the choice of my spouse back in my home country of Nigeria. Choice of partner As I mentioned in Chapter 2, all fresh graduates of post-secondary institutions in the nation were required by government law to ‘serve the nation’ for one year. This entails sending the graduates to work in states different from their indigenous states. Nigeria then had a population of about 120 million. The service year gave the serving graduates (referred to as ‘corpers’) a great opportunity to interact with the vast number of people from other parts of the country. 81

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More often than not, corpers are sent to the rural areas in the province, thereby giving them a chance to interact at the community grass roots. The aim of the program is to foster national unity and build a sense of national responsibility in the nation’s aspiring leaders. It was during this national year of service that I met my spouse. I had attended a university in the southern part of the country and he attended one in the north, but we were posted to the same state for our service year. I reported a few weeks late because I was finishing up my Master’s program research (Chapter 2). Jibade, my future spouse, was then working in a refinery out of town as an entry–level chemical engineer. I was working in a government laboratory that was manufacturing liquid pharmaceuticals on a local scale for the state. Having reported late, it was difficult to meet with the other corpers. I had missed the first month of the service year, during which all the corpers in the state stayed together in an orientation camp. All through my university days, I had maintained my commitment to Christ and served Him together with fellow students through Christian groups. Thus, upon my arrival in the ‘strange’ town, I sought out a Christian Corpers group. Some members of this group paid me a visit and invited me to join them on outreach programs to the community. This small sub-group of the bigger group consisted of about six of us. We called ourselves the Special Mission Squad. We met together on a more frequent basis than the bigger group. We were young, energetic, and had a wide vision. The vision was to reach every secondary school in the state with the gospel of Jesus Christ. No one was going to stop us from fulfilling this mission. There must have been at least forty such schools in the whole state, which was in the delta region of the nation. Some of the schools were inaccessible by road. We could only get to them by special boats. On some of the week-ends, we visited the villages nearby and held open-air meetings for the natives. Nigeria is a multi-lingual country with over 250 languages. This presented some challenges, as none of us could speak the native language. Even though we had to communicate with the local people through a creole form of English or through some on-thespot volunteers, we were determined to leave no stone unturned during the eleven-month span of the service year. We all worked at our regular jobs from Mondays to Fridays. After work on Friday afternoons, (we closed at 3.00 p.m.), we set forth on our 82

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adventures to one school after another. On some week-ends we visited two schools. On Sunday afternoons we headed back to our stations, just in time to catch some rest before heading back to work the next morning. I believe we served the nation with our whole being, intellectually and spiritually. With this kind of schedule and interaction, I got to know the other two ladies and the three men in the Mission Squad on a close basis. Jibade was one of those three men. Almost at the end of the service year, just before we were to go back to our home states, Jibade proposed marriage to me. He expressed to me his desire for us to be life partners. I had received some assurance in my spirit about this move even before he came to ask. We agreed and made a commitment to each other. Thus, our ‘formal courtship’ relationship began. Similarities and compatibilities are the glue that holds couples together. After the service year, the two of us headed back to two different regions of the nation. We continued our courtship through long distance communication. We had gotten to know each other during those Mission Squad adventures and knew we had similar passions and interests. We had worked together on developing and delivering life skills seminars to a number of high school children, often on an impromptu basis. We had together shared Christ’s love with these students. We had lived in makeshift accommodations during those adventurous weekends, sharing meals and travel with four other people. Most importantly, we knew we were committed to a lifetime of serving God, both through our secular vocation and our part-time ministry. Jibade had to go to India for three months on an industrial project with his new employer soon after the service year. When he got back, he came by to visit a few times. We informed our families about our intention to get married in the near future. During that period just after the service year, I worked in my dad’s pharmacy. Marriages in the Nigerian context have a huge family input. Traditionally, when a lady gets married, she marries into the spouse’s family. The first thing the parents of intending partners want to know is 83

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whether the spouse is from the same tribe as their child. This is because inter-tribal marriages are not usually encouraged. In some extreme cases, people are encouraged to marry only people from their own home town within a tribe. Although Jibade and I are from the same Yoruba tribe, his home town was different from mine. We were able to bypass this minor barrier, as more educated people had open minds about inter-town marriages. Having passed the first criterion, my family followed up by finding out more details about my intended spouse. They initiated a ‘secret intelligence’ service to check out Jibade’s family. His family also set up their own ‘verification’ process. The purpose of this was to ensure that the family their child was marrying into had a ‘good reputation’. It turned out that one of Jibade’s sisters was married to an old classmate of my dad's. That was a good starting point and the ‘clearance check’ went smoothly. A few of my inner circle friends from my Bachelor’s program days in the university also did their own check to ensure the person I was engaged to had similar faith and core values. This kind of ‘community’ input into decision-making in marriage goes a long way towards ensuring stable marriages in the traditional Nigerian society. After a year of working with my dad, I moved up north to take up a lectureship appointment in the Pharmacy faculty of one of the universities. We had our wedding after my first session of teaching these pharmacy undergraduates. My change of status from single to married enhanced my career status in the academic environment. The northern part of Nigeria has an even more rigid standard in terms of early marriages amongst their girls. Marital status is a determining factor in overall status of ladies in this society. Marriage is of high dignity. Thus, when I got married, I was more accepted in the community.

First year of marriage For the first seven months of our marriage, Jibade and I lived apart because when we got married, he was working in a steel plant in a new rural enclosed community in the central part of the nation. We had considered many options for setting up our home after our marriage. I 84

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had looked into the possibility of employment in the stand-alone rural community of the steel plant in a huge, undeveloped neighborhood. The nearest town was many miles away. My only job option was in the hospital pharmacy inside the steel plant, but at that time no pharmacist position was available. We therefore resolved that I should keep my university lectureship job in the north, and we would set up our home there while we looked for employment opportunities for Jibade. He had actually graduated from this university and had some grassroots connections. Thus, we ran two homes for the first seven months of our married life. Jibade came over every other weekend. I traveled to his station during university break periods. After intensive job hunting, Jibade got an appointment in the Nuclear Physics section of the same university in which I was teaching. He moved and we began the real, continuous companionship of married life. While Jibade was still away in the center of the country, I had regular visits from my in-laws who lived in towns within an hour or two from where I lived. In-laws had been a regular part of my marriage right from the onset. My parents were living in the south and I reached them mainly through phone calls and letters. They were about fourteen hours away by road. (Nigeria has a land area of over 923,000 square kilometers, just over twice the size of the State of California.) Thus, bonding with my in-laws served as a source of companionship and support during those initial months. Jibade comes from a very large, polygamous family with three wives. He is the last-born of seventeen children and has many nieces, nephews and cousins. His nuclear family had grown up in the north, and although some of the children had moved to the south, quite a number of them remained in the north. Adjusting to in-laws was a major change that I encountered in my first year of marriage. I had come from a monogamous family with eight children. I had grown up meeting only a few cousins. Before I got married, I had only one niece and one nephew. After getting married, I had to embrace the new role of the wife of the youngest child of the family. My previous interaction with my in-laws during our courtship days helped me adjust well to this new family setting. Jibade’s mom played a significant stabilizing role in the family. She wanted all her children, 85

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stepchildren, and grandchildren to relate well to one another. At the time of our wedding all her other children were married and had their own families. A few of Jibade’s nephews are his same age. Jibade and I visited with a number of these different families during our courtship days. This helped a lot in my ability to embrace them and the huge family setting when we got married. For example, I always kept big pots and did a lot of large-scale cooking. The families of my in-laws were close to one another. Many times when one of them was visiting with us with their children, another sibling would show up with his or her children. This could have ended up with our hosting an impromptu mini-family reunion, but my in-laws would always arrive with lots of groceries and provisions, which more than met our ‘hosting’ needs. Over the course of the first year of our marriage, I learned the importance of being ready at any time to host visitors and it became a natural part of our lives. A few of Jibade’s nephews and nieces came to study in the university where I was lecturing, so we had visits from both the first and second generations of my in-laws. During the first year of our marriage, I got pregnant with our first baby. (See more in Chapter 4.)

Marriage is like vitamins; we supplement each other’s daily requirements

-Kathy Mohnke

Shifting relationships from previous friends to new ones was not an issue for me. Since I had moved up north just the year before our wedding, I had not made many friends. In fact, most of the friends I developed during that year were Jibade’s associates from his university days, who were still living in the town. A number of these were also recently married. Thus, my transition into married life was actually accompanied by an already existing transition from old friends to new friends. I still communicated with a few of my spinster friends, but since they were far away in the south, it was not much of a transition issue. Since I had already relocated just a year before the wedding, I did not have to change jobs or relocate again. Jibade had to relocate to join me in the north. We adjusted well to the change because it was what we 86

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wanted. It was not easy staying apart as a married couple at the startup. When he came over, it required more real adjusting to a new lifestyle. We gradually got to know each other better. We took time to define our family values and set our goals for the future as a married couple. We planned to have children and we shared each other’s dreams about the future. On the subject of finances, we talked about our budgets and items we wanted on it. We shared a common purse and accepted that this was to be a feature of our married life. The changes I experienced after marriage were significant. As mentioned above, my status in the community was enhanced. I adjusted to being alone in the house as well as to having lots of company, especially from my in-laws. I took on a new perspective of family life influenced by my spouse’s large, close-knit family background. I continued adjusting to a new set of friends, a process that had begun with my relocation in the previous year. I continued the process of settling into the environment of the new city to which I had moved a year before our wedding. I made the adjustment from independence to mutual dependence with my spouse. My first year of marriage was filled with many adjustments that were easy to embrace. Desiring these things, and knowing they would aid in my growth as a person and in my family’s growth, helped me to embrace the changes and rise above the challenges of my transition from single to married life. When I reflect on our years of marriage, I realize that the foundation of the early years of marriage was very important. The mindset and pattern of life that we established during our days as members of the Mission Squad carried through into our married life. Our passion to live our lives for God through our secular work and part-time ministry has been our mainstay as we moved from one continent to the other. JESUS’ TEACHING ON MARRIAGE: ADDITIONAL WORDS OF WISDOM Jesus was never married, but He knew marriage was at the very heart of God in seeing to the propagation of the family unit. He understood the importance of the family unit in the propagation of the society. He saw marriage as important. In fact, he graced a wedding in Cana of Galilee by 87

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His presence. At this occasion, He was contacted to help meet the needs of the wedding host. This he did by one of his miracles.10 Paul, a disciple of Jesus Christ, gave a treatise on man-woman relationships in marriage: “Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, … "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." … Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband.” -Ephesians 5: 22-33 “Let marriage be held in honor by all.” -Hebrews 13:4 GENERAL TIPS FOR DEALING WITH CHANGES DURING YOUR FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE (More resources are listed in the Appendix) In the section titled ‘Before you get married”, we discussed some essential concepts to mentally prepare you for your marriage. Now that the wedding is over and you are back from the honeymoon, how do you stay sane while managing the changes in your lives during your first year of marriage? How do you rise above the challenges that come your way during your transition from single to married life? Here are some general tips: 1. Put closure on your life as a single person. Pause, mourn, and acknowledge your past life as a single person. What are you giving up as a result of getting married? Grieve the loss of things like your old friendships and your bedroom space. Mourn the aspects of singleness 88

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you are leaving behind such as regular Saturday afternoon visits to the mall or regular Monday night football with friends. Say ‘good bye’ to those habits. 2. Discuss and establish long-range goals for each other and for your marriage. Draw out your joint vision for family, career, and life in general. Write this down and put the list in an important place to revisit from time to time. Be committed to each other and to the goals of the marriage. 3. Establish habits of loving behavior. In your first year of marriage, do everything you can to set up a pattern of sharing and confirming your love for each other 4. Get to know each other very well—your similarities and differences. Give yourself time to adjust to each other’s lifestyle and habits. Know you cannot change your partner overnight. In some areas, reaching a compromise between your two different opinions might be the way out. Discuss your options in this regard. Know in what areas each one's opinion should prevail and which areas are to be compromised. 5. Use teamwork to complement each other. Balance your differences and work together as a team. 6. Reorder your love priorities in challenging situations. Learn to put friendship (sacrificial) love over romantic love as necessary. 7. Seek God’s help in your marriage. Seek His wisdom and guidance in your decision-making. Ask for His strength in great times and challenging times. You can also make Him the center of your lives (see Chapter 10), thereby allowing Him to help you build your family. 8. Develop a communication system that works for both of you. Learn how to process anger and resolve conflict. 9. Get your thinking straight. Analyze your expectations. Continue to revisit each other’s expectations in order to understand them better. Drop unrealistic ones and focus on the reasonable ones. 10. Have a plan in place for reducing stress. Use humor and do not take yourself too seriously. 11. Have ‘couple’ times. Continue to woo and celebrate each other. 12. Have a support system in place. Use marriage mentors who can help guide you through the initial phase of your married life. Establish friendships with other couples whose values are similar to yours. 89

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13. Maintain your physical and mental well being. Eat well together. Exercise well together if your schedule allows. At times you may feel overwhelmed with the number of changes occurring in a short period. Paying attention to your physical energy needs will leave you with extra mental energy that you may need during this period. 14. Money is a big issue. Schedule times to talk about budgeting, spending, and other money issues. 15. In-laws are a real part of married life. Discuss ways of having them around you and not in between you. 16. Envisage how you will make the transition into subsequent major areas of change in your life such as having and raising children or changing careers, if that is an option. Gradually breaking into change areas releases much tension. Should you require any more information on the issues of marriage discussed in this chapter, please visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com Having and raising children is the desire of many married couples. The next chapter deals with the transition into parenthood.

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CHAPTER 4 ______________________________

BECOMING A PARENT Babies control and bring up their families as much as they are controlled by them, in fact we may say that the family brings up a baby by being brought up by him -Erik Erikson1

The arrival of a first baby is a time of great joy in most families, and often a time of pandemonium. It marks the marriage of two families as well as two people. Two sets of genes have been passed down a family line in this amazing new creature, the new bundle of joy, but this pleasant and often welcome event brings with it astonishing levels of change in both spouses. The physical, emotional, and relationship-based changes, as well as changes in financial responsibilities, are all part of the complex transition into parenthood. Things cannot remain the same as they were before the baby’s arrival. FACTS ABOUT PARENTING Benefits of having children Parenting comes with innumerable priceless benefits. There is no way that the satisfaction, joy, love, and pride of having children can be estimated. The pleasure, intimacy and the immeasurable satisfaction parents experience just being with their children is worth all the treasures in the world. Children bring much laughter into your daily lives and enhance your personal growth. Children cement marital partnerships and enhance the image of the family. They allow marital relationships to breathe and grow

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by shifting the focus of the partners away from each other. Parenting can change both partners by helping them to mature and relate to each other in better ways. Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life -Muriel Spark2 Why some couples choose to not have children Despite these immeasurable benefits, some couples choose to not have children. Many couples who are perfectly ‘biologically fit’ opt to stay childless. The reasons given for this option are centered on the challenges of parenthood. Parenting requires a whole life commitment in all its facets— financial, emotional, physical, and intellectual. Such a huge, long-term commitment is too much for some individuals. They do not want to be tied down with a life-long project that they will not be able to exit. Becoming a parent requires major lifestyle adjustments that some are just not ready to undertake. For some individuals, having children causes too much discomfort, while for others, it poses too great a risk. Still others are plagued by a fear of inadequacy, based on their uncertainty about being ‘fit’ enough to be good parents. Being good, unconditionally loving, understanding, nonjudgmental, loyal, and encouraging all the time is just too much for some people. The fear of failure is also a factor, as some do not want to be blamed if the children do not turn out all right. For some career women, the fear of losing their physical body shape may be an excuse. On the other hand, some fear the loss of their career should they become parents. This is especially true for women in the performing arts and sports. The long and unpredictable hours, as well as the travel commitments of such careers, make it almost impossible to juggle work and family. Complex variables of transition into parenthood in today’s world Transition into parenthood in today’s society is more complex than ever before. Thanks to cultural, scientific and technological advances, men and 92

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women today are better informed on issues of pregnancy and childbirth. Equipped with this knowledge, people are presented with a wider range of choices about how to become parents. The availability of assisted reproductive technologies makes it easier for women in a wider age group to conceive in non-traditional ways. Single parenthood is commonplace, and adopting babies and young children continues to be a well accepted norm of society. All these factors contribute to the diverse backgrounds of first-time parents. In the Introduction, we introduced Sophie, who offers seminars to first-time mothers. Sophie discovered that the marital and family backgrounds were so varied that she needed to update her seminar topics in order to effectively reach out to those attending her courses. Transition into motherhood is no longer straightforward. Transition into parenthood is no longer straightforward Today’s view of equality between men and women is another factor that makes the transition into parenthood different from the way it used to be. In traditional ‘husband and wife’ families, this view may leave the husband and wife with unclear or undefined roles. There are often unclear expectations of who does what. The fact that many struggles in early marriage revolve around this makes it a significant factor of change. Another factor that contributes to the complexity of becoming a parent today is the continuous shift to smaller family structures. The extended family system has long been outdated in many communities. Thus, an essential source of mentoring support and help for new parents has been removed. On the other hand, the smaller setting suggests that parents can raise their own children in their own way, with little external interference. Another social norm that affects transition into parenthood is the decline in the perceived value of sacrificial parenting. Today’s society no longer honors the heroism of day-to-day parenting. This leaves parents with less motivation and support for committed parenting.

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Statistics: changing family structure Because of the complex change variables in today’s society, the structure of parenting families is continually shifting. According to the 2000 United States Census,3 two-parent households increased six percent since 1990. In contrast, mother-headed households grew by 25 percent. Single mother households now make up seven percent of all households. For the first time ever, less than a quarter of American households consist of two-parent families. Married couples with children now make up 24 percent of all households, compared to 39 percent in 1990. More fathers are raising children on their own. The number of single father households rose 62 percent in a decade, doubling from one to two percent. In Canada, the actual number of ‘traditional’ families, i.e., legally married parents with one or more children all living under the same roof, has remained constant from 1981 to 2001 at about 3.5 million.4 However, in terms of the proportion of all families, the percentage of these traditional families has declined dramatically from 55 to 41.5. During the same period, the number of couples without children, the number of single parent families, and the number of stepfamilies have all increased. By inference, these figures highlight the trends in the profile of people becoming parents in today’s society. First-time parents have diverse needs. Our focus in this chapter is on managing general issues of transition into parenthood. The scope of this book is limited to the particular needs of the newer family structures. In the Appendix we have listed additional resources for single-parent, blended, and adoptive families. How having children changes your lives: the first year of transition into parenthood Becoming a parent changes a person’s entire life. The first year in particular presents an extraordinary level of challenge in the life of individuals. These changes can be daunting to first-time parents.

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Loss of independence or control over choice of the way you live your life Becoming a parent means you gain a new identity while losing your former life. Before the baby arrived, you had some control over your life, but now the baby has control over you. You might have been living alone or as a couple. You were free to go out anytime you wanted and to any place you liked. With a baby, you cannot just get up on impulse and go out. The number of places you can go might be limited. Everything requires some planning if you need to take your new baby with you. Altered health issues A woman is in a different physical and emotional state after childbirth. The hard work involved in caring for a baby also takes its toll. The mother’s body image changes and so do her energy requirements. The mother’s emotional health is also at stake. Postpartum depression is a common occurrence amongst mothers. New basis of relationships within the family The time demands and emotional strain of childcare often leave a new mother with little or no time to concentrate fully on her spouse. The father has to cope with his extra responsibilities as well as changes in the way his time is allocated. Communication between you and your partner may tend to revolve around the baby at first. Sexual intimacy is also affected, especially when the wife has childbirth scars. Usually the arrival of a new baby is welcome news to the extended family. Your parents and in-laws will come closer, which may create some tension, especially when their opinions on how to raise their grandchild are different from yours.

Friends – The shift in camaraderie Relationships with old friends change. Your interests and a major part of your thought process now revolve around babies. Full-time working mothers have less time for social activities. Couples tend to move towards friendships with other people who have children.

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Finances and Career The increase in your family’s financial responsibilities will cause you to look for alternative ways of coping. The father may take on some extra work if the family has opted for the mom to stay at home. Transition into motherhood often provokes changes in a woman’s outlook on career issues. The issue of juggling work, childcare, and family, especially in the initial stages of motherhood, makes women reconsider their approach to earning an income. The demands of work and motherhood will always cause conflict, especially if the mother has to leave her baby in the care of another person. The first year of parenting is just one of its many phases. All the changes experienced during the first year of parenthood are transient. Parenting passes through its own phases. The challenges posed by the changes can be overcome. When couples unite, all these challenges can be dealt with amicably. The woman’s body can return to a reasonable image through exercise. The couple’s relationship can stabilize, improve, or deteriorate, depending on how they relate to each other’s and the family’s needs during the first year. As the children grow older, tensions with parents and in-laws often ease as the older generation settles into their grandparenting roles. The parents adopt a new circle of friends who have common interests, i.e., other parents. Belsky and Kelly5 discussed key issues that facilitate a husband and wife’s smooth transition into parenthood, thus cementing their marital relationship. Among these is the ability to surrender individual goals and needs and work together with the partner as a team. Resolving differences about division of labor and work in a mutually satisfactory manner is another key issue. Effective communication is necessary for nurturing the marriage. You need to handle stresses in a way that does not overstress your partner or your marriage. By facing the reality that becoming parents has changed your life in an irreversible way, you will form a solid foundation for moving forward and building your marriage in a new context.

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OUR EXPERIENCES Tolu Motherhood is a one-way bridge. You cannot return to the spot where you were before you crossed that bridge. I found this to be true in my experience. As I mentioned in Chapter 3, my transition into motherhood occurred early in our marriage. My spouse and I were living separately for the first seven months of our marriage because of career issues. It was during this phase that I became pregnant. During the first trimester of my pregnancy I was living alone in a relatively new environment. Because I had relocated to the town to take up a university lectureship appointment just a year prior to my pregnancy, I was also undergoing a number of other changes at that time. However, it was the second year of my university teaching and I was reasonably familiar with the setting. Socially, my pregnant state was a welcome fact in the real world of married life. In Nigeria, the social norm is that new couples have a baby as soon as possible after their wedding. The addition of the first baby in the first year is a seal on the fruitfulness of the marriage. Couples going into their second year or more of marriage without any children are perceived to be having some ‘reproductive’ problems. The in-laws of such couples will often get together to find a solution to the ‘problem’. My timely pregnancy raised my acceptance level in the community. I was very comfortable wearing those big maternity gowns. My social status in society had been elevated and I was proud of it. I was able to cope well during the pregnancy. Apart from a few nausea spells during the first trimester, the period went smoothly. My spouse joined me midway through the pregnancy and provided support for me during that period. My in-laws also visited from time to time to provide moral support. The arrival of our first baby brought great joy to us. In fact, it was an occasion for a double celebration, as he arrived on the eve of our first wedding anniversary. It was a moment of real ecstasy. We gave him a name that signifies he will be an instrument of ‘light’ to the whole family. We envisioned a great life for him. 97

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The process of looking beyond the diapers into the future of our baby provided more bonding for us as a couple. We viewed this addition to the family as a great responsibility that had been given to us. We wanted to make the best of it and prayed that we would. More than ever before, we realized that we needed to be united in purpose to be able to do this together effectively. A new baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.-Eda J. Le Shan With the arrival of our baby, we had more visits from friends and my in-laws, so the initial phase of my motherhood also required coping with guests in the house. My in-laws were very helpful throughout the process. My mother-in-law stayed with us for about two months, passing on essential parenting tips. This act is a welcome show of support in the Nigerian society. A close relative of either the husband or the wife visits with the family of new parents (especially first- timers) to mentor them in their new role. Thus, I had considerable help in adjusting to my new role as a mother. Influence on my career I took a three-month maternity leave from my workplace just before I had my baby, the standard in Nigeria at that time. Our baby was born in early August in the middle of the summer break. This timing served me well in that I did not need to reschedule my course assignments. On the other hand, I was expected back at work full-time when my baby was about two months old. There was no extra holiday period that I could add on to the period of my maternity leave to make it longer. I had to figure out a way to combine my new parenting role with my career. I looked at my options. We never considered the option of my taking a long break from work. In the Nigerian society, juggling career and family is the norm. The extended family system and the concept of a child being raised by the community support this social practice. Neighbors help one another with child-raising and other duties. Right up front, I knew I was going to juggle the demands of my new baby and my work. What made it easy for me to cope in those initial 98

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months was the flexible schedule of academic lectureship. When I first returned to work, I was in the university for the period of my lectures and beyond. I had arranged a special time for student consultations during the week. I also had some practical classes to supervise and I added this to my ‘on job site’ schedule. Having a fixed work schedule during defined periods of the week, I then arranged for babysitting help during those specific periods. I graded students’ papers and practical sessions from home in my first year of parenting. My husband also helped with baby care, since his work schedule could be adjusted from time to time. After my mother-in-law left, my mom came to visit for a period of time, an arrangement that provided continuous care for our new baby for the first few months. Later on, a maid helped with simple chores in the house. The girl was too young and inexperienced for us to leave our son in her care. Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life -Sophocles Another factor that helped ease my transition into motherhood was my faith community. Before the arrival of my first baby, I had started a community-based Bible club for children. We met one evening per week in my backyard. I derived much joy in communicating the truth of God’s word to these children through simple activities and songs. I took a short break from this immediately after childbirth. When I resumed, some of these eager children were always ready to ‘play’ with the baby or stay around to help in one way or the other. This provided great moral support for me during my transition into motherhood. One way or another, I had company around from time to time during my first year of motherhood. During the ‘no-company’ times, I was never bored, as I was catching up on work and household chores. We had our second child fourteen months after the first. That was another great source of joy to our family. With the new addition, we had to look to the outside to cope with taking care of two young children while I returned to work. One of my in-laws’ friends had a daycare for three-year-olds or older. She offered to help us out by taking our first son, who was not yet two years old. She made a special arrangement for 99

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him, and we were pleased that our child would be with an experienced daycare professional. Having settled our first son’s daycare needs, we just had our younger baby to worry about. I was able to find an older and more mature nanny for him through ‘word-of-mouth’ searches. My husband and I had to become even more efficient in time management as we juggled work, driving between two daycares, and our family. Within our first two-and-a-half years of marriage, we had made the transition to being parents twice. The adjustment into parenthood with our first baby made that change for our second child easier. Our friends and family helped a lot by providing the extra help we needed during those times. I also received moral support from the community. The flexibility of my work schedule as a university professor was also a great factor in combining my parenting role with my career. Motherhood in a different cultural setting My transition to motherhood the third time around took place against a different background. I had my third baby, a girl, in London, England after a break of about eight years. I had gone through a number of changes as a family woman and in my career life in those eight years. I was more used to life as a mother of two elementary school age boys, juggling work and family in a strange land. I had immigrated to this new land as a doctoral research candidate about six years prior to the third child's birth. The rigors of the hard work in research and juggling family had kept me from gaining any body weight for a long time. In fact, I must have lost some weight. It was, therefore, no surprise that when I got pregnant, many people did not ‘notice’ for a long time. One of my friends later remarked that she assumed I was just regaining the weight I had lost during the two years of my doctoral research program before the birth. The whole experience was a complex transition for me because it was overlaid with some other significant changes in my life at that time. This childbirth experience took place in a different culture in a far-away land with no extended family around. When the baby arrived, I was employed on a two-year contract with a British medical research organization. The timing of my six-month maternity leave left me with a few months of work before the end of the 100

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contract. At that time, my income provided the majority of our household income. Thus, the situation left us with financial concerns. While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about Despite all the challenges, the childbirth was a unique experience in many ways. After two boys, the baby girl made it more interesting. Every member of the family was very thankful to God and proud of the new addition. As if the level of complexity of the changes was not high enough, I had another life-changing event imposed on me four days after the arrival of my third baby. My mother, who was living far away in my home country, passed away. My faith in God served as a source of strength in moving me forward during the difficult grieving period. My family was also very supportive. (See more in Chapter 13.) In mourning my mom, I searched deep within me. I knew my mom’s utmost desire would have been to see her new granddaughter raised well and given every opportunity to develop her potential. I knew those first few months were very important in setting the pace for achievement of this goal, so I put my heart into caring for this new bundle of joy, despite the challenges. My six-month maternity leave helped a lot in my adjustment to this third episode of motherhood. This time period was double the maternity leave period in Nigeria. The longer period suited me very well, as I had no in-laws to help me out with my mothering duties, especially in the initial phase. England is far away from Nigeria and it required extensive planning for people to come from Nigeria to visit us in England. One of my sisters-in-law did come to visit at a later stage after my third baby was born, but for the most part I was on my own during this motherhood phase. Apart from this major difference (absence of extended family support), there were various minor cultural differences which added up to a significant change in caring for my third baby. London has a big Nigerian community, so we had many visits from friends, but it was 101

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different from the continuous influx of people who had visited in Nigeria when we had our first two babies. I was not used to taking all the time to dress up a baby in layers of warm clothing just to step out to the neighborhood shop. Our boys were registered in an after-school Children’s Club. My spouse worked on a nine-to-five schedule, leaving me alone with the baby for most of the day. The quietness around the house and being alone with a new baby was strange to me. This transition into motherhood also came with a lot of demands on my attention as I juggled the needs of school-aged children and a newborn baby at the same time. When I got help with the baby, I used my ‘free’ time to solve school-related problems for our older children. I remember an incident when I had to attend two parent-teacher interviews on two different levels of my boys’ school. I remember transferring my baby several times from the stroller to my arms while I walked up and down the staircase and hallways. It was quite an interesting experience. When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for the child.-Sophia Loren Another challenge of my transition into motherhood the third time around was dealing with career-related social norms. The career line of medical research was dominated by men, single women, and married women with no children. Very few married women with children were in my line of work. Having three children and being a non-national made my type of profile even rarer in research circles. As a result, in addition to coping with the stress of family, I also had to deal with job-related tensions amongst my colleagues. Such tensions existed both before and after my child's birth. I returned to work after six months of maternity leave during which I used the daycare services of a local nanny. My baby did not adjust to her very well. I was only too glad when my contract ended a few months later and I stayed at home with my daughter. 102

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It was not easy trying to look for new employment with inadequate help with the baby. My spouse’s job was not steady, either. We decided to pursue immigration to a country where we would not have to frequently apply to the Home Office for work permits. We had resolved to not go back to Nigeria, as there was political instability in the country at that time. We also wanted to live in a country that offered great educational opportunities for our children. That was how we chose Canada as our new land of opportunity. (See more in Chapter 14.) My third transition to motherhood occurred when I was already going through complex personal and environmental changes in my life. I was able to cope with the transition by isolating the different challenges and dealing with them according to their order of importance. First, I had to adjust to having a baby again while already a mother of two. Secondly, I had an unusual situation of grieving the loss of my mother along with taking care of my new baby. I experienced two diametrically opposite events concurrently—sadness and joy. I had to reassure myself that I had the strength to care for our new baby. Thirdly, I had to adjust to the factor of minimal support from friends and extended family. A fourth major factor was the issue of my career and our household finances. After my maternity leave, I went back to work for a short time to finish my contract employment. Then I took time with the baby while we processed our immigration papers. The complexity of the associated changes made this transition much more challenging than when I had only my first two babies. However, through the strength and courage I derived from my faith in God and the support of my family and friends, I was able to gradually overcome the challenges, one by one. Dave As I mentioned in Chapter 3, I became a father during our first year of marriage. My wife and I had our first child in Edmonton, Canada. I had just finished my college training and had full-time employment in janitorial service. My wife had full-time employment before the birth of the baby. When we knew that she was pregnant, we were very thrilled. A new life, our very own, what a joy! 103

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We had planned to move back to the West Indies after awhile to do ministry work. We continued to save toward relocation and for the new baby. As I explained in Chapter 3, janitorial work was paying very well at the time. I decided to combine as many jobs as practically possible in order to earn enough to save for both purposes. (At one point, I was handling eleven different job sites.) I made sure that I left adequate time for couple time with my wife. As a new couple, we were still discovering more about each other and mutually adjusting to each other. Our baby girl arrived on a cold February day during our first year of marriage. We were thrilled. Life is a flame that is always burning itself out, but it catches fire again every time a child is born.-George Bernard Shaw We were living in an area not too far from the Bible College I had attended. My family was in Barbados while my in-laws lived about one hour’s drive from Edmonton. This meant we were by ourselves and had no immediate parental assistance. Fortunately, we had a wide circle of friends in the area who offered support in one way or the other. As a new father, I had to make some adjustments in my role at home. We agreed that while my wife looked after the baby, I should take care of some of the household chores. She went back to work after a threemonth maternity leave. We made this decision because we were saving toward our proposed move back to the West Indies to do ministry work. We had become friends with an elderly retired couple who lived nearby. The husband was one of our teachers in the Bible College. His spouse offered to take care of our daughter while my wife returned to work. This was very convenient for us and we were at peace with the arrangement. Having a trustworthy couple with whom to leave our baby helped in this adjustment phase of our lives. As I was working in the janitorial services area, my working hours were mostly at night between 6.00 p.m. and 3.00 a.m. The job was highly labor intensive since we had to operate heavy equipment and machinery. I was usually exhausted when I got back home in the wee hours of the morning. It was not easy dealing with the 104

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crying of a baby at the time when I most needed sleep. I had to adjust to the new kind of life as a father. Most mornings, I got up early to take my wife to work and the baby to the daycare. Then I returned home to rest and do some household chores. Later in the day, I sometimes got the supper started before setting out to bring my family home. I spent a little bit of time with them before leaving for my janitorial work. This was a big lifestyle adjustment for me. As I mentioned in Chapter 2, I hardly did any household chores while growing up in my Barbados home. In fact, there is a Bajan (Barbadian) phrase: “Walking with my hands swinging free”, indicating ‘freedom’ from household chores and thereby ‘freedom to do your own little thing’. Taking on grocery shopping and food preparation duties were relatively new areas for me. I also discovered my definition of ‘freedom’ had changed. Before the baby’s arrival, my wife and I used to go skating with friends, and I used to go fishing with friends. We had to cut back on all these adventures with the addition of the new responsibility. Our friendship base also changed. We started developing friendships with other young couples who also had children. My parents-in-law did not enjoy traveling very much, so we went over to their farm about every other week. They looked forward to spending time with their granddaughter (their second grandchild) ever so often. I liked going there as well, as they had a lot of space. It also gave me the opportunity to go fishing and hunting with my father-in-law. The addition of a new baby to our family implied increased financial responsibility, but because of the flexibility of the janitorial work and new faster methods of cleaning, I was able to take on more job assignments. This, together with my spouse’s income, helped us to adjust well. When our daughter was about eighteen months old, we relocated to the West Indies. We went to Barbados first and lived with my parents while we made our decision with regard to my first pastoral appointment. My parent’s house was quite big and had many rooms. At that time they had become empty nesters, so we had a considerable amount of space for ourselves and the baby. My parents were very supportive in many ways. We did not have too much interference from them. I helped around the house while looking for pastoral opportunities in Grenada and St. Lucia. 105

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My first pastoral appointment was in Carriacou, a small island off Grenada. We had to make some major cultural adjustments. We had to adjust from the upper side of life in Barbados to a poorer lifestyle in Carriacou. One important difference was the healthcare system, a major source of concern for us. There was no system of insurance to cover our healthcare needs. There was no resident doctor in Carriacou. A doctor visited from Grenada and stayed for two to three days per week. This healthcare system was relatively poor compared to that in Barbados or Edmonton. One time our daughter got sick with a high fever due to mosquito bites. The doctor was not on the island that night, so we had to pray until the morning. A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgot, and the future worth living for. As soon as we were settled, the Carriacou people became friendly with us. It took us some time to break in to the community. I started off on a low income as Pastor in Carriacou. Since my wife was a non-national and could not work, we had to make the best use of my income. My parents were very gracious. They brought us a great quantity of baby food from time to time, and we also had some friends in Grenada who sent us food. The community was also generous with us. It was a unique experience of trusting God to help supply our needs. Members of the church I was serving were always ready to help with our young daughter. People dropped in at any time and stayed a long time. My wife was not used to that and had to make some adjustments. My work as Pastor was demanding. For example, I was busy trying to move forward a church building project. The initial phase was demanding, as securing the needed land proved more difficult than we envisaged, but I was able to connect with my family, despite the busy schedule. My wife and daughter came with me to visit the church families. At times, my family and I went swimming together. During our second year in Carriacou, we became expectant parents for the second time. I remember a funny incident surrounding this. A 106

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friend from the Windward area of the Island had come to visit. He said if we wanted to have a son as our second child, then “we should do it three nights before the moon.” As it turned out, our second child was a boy. This friend made a special visit to congratulate us. He was very happy that I had taken his ‘advice’ seriously. During the sixth month of her pregnancy, I took my wife to Barbados to stay with my parents because of the poor healthcare system in Carriacou at that time. I went back to Carriacou, but paid her a number of visits. She had our son in one of the hospitals in Barbados The birth of our son heralded additional great joy in my family. Members of my extended family were thrilled to welcome the first great grandson of my paternal family. Our son was named in the peculiar manner of using F.D. initials, thus becoming F.D.III. We were very glad. He turned out to be the only grandson in both my and my spouse’s families. We went back to our pastorate in Carriacou soon after our baby’s birth. This second transition into parenthood was a bit more challenging for us. There was little or no baby food available in Carriacou at that time. Soon after this, my father started an import business for baby food, and we bought baby food from him by the case. At times he gave us some for free. My parents were very gracious and supportive. Available utilities were another challenge in raising children in Carriacou. There were no washing machines. In fact, our first house had no electricity. We used a kerosene fridge, a propane iron, and a Coleman lamp. A few months before our second child was born, we moved into a better house that was equipped with electricity, although the power supply varied from time to time. The people in the community in Carriacou were very supportive of us with our newborn baby. The baby had a connection with the land, since he had been conceived there. Seven years after our second child was born, we had our third baby, a girl. She was born in Trinidad during the course of my pastorate in the city. We had had a long break between our second and third children, so we were well adjusted to parenting by the time she arrived. We were also in a better financial position. The church in Trinidad paid me a better salary. The area was also more developed than in Carriacou.

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The best thing to spend on your children is your time.-Louise Hart Our daughter was born in a nursing home that had better maternity facilities than some of the hospitals in town. It so happened that this childbirth was the only one where I had the opportunity to be present, but I missed the chance because of an event beyond my control. I had to go and get the gynecologist, who was away golfing when my wife went into labor. I went out to the golf course to pick him up so he could assist with the delivery. When I got back, my wife had already given birth to our baby. The birth of our third child brought even more joy to us. Our older children were very proud to have a new baby sister. My wife was back on her feet within a week of the childbirth. At the time, she was working at the church on a volunteer basis. A dedicated lady offered to help with the baby and around the house. This helped us very well with the transition. My transition into fatherhood came with various challenges along the way. In the initial stages, my family and I had to make huge lifestyle adjustments in terms of the newly added responsibility. Then when we moved to Carriacou, we adjusted to parenting in a strange land with poor medical facilities. Our second and third transitions into parenthood came with newer challenges, but as a couple, with the support of family and friends, we were able to rise above the challenges. Over the course of many years, my wife and I have had even greater joy in seeing our three children have their own children. These grandparenting experiences and more are the subject of Chapter 12. DEALING WITH THE CHALLENGES ASSOCIATED WITH THE FIRST YEAR OF PARENTHOOD Coping with the hard work Raising children is hard work. The process of pregnancy and childbirth makes is very demanding on the life of the mother and the father. A new addition to a family with existing children makes the work even harder. The unending cycle of baby feeding, diaper changing, clothes washing, cooking, and cleaning can take its toll on the physical body. Tending to a new life that totally depends on you for all its needs 108

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can be emotionally exhausting. You never want to let the baby down, so taking on all its demands saps you of emotional energy. Tips: You and your partner should work out a way of sharing the labor that works best for your family. If you are a single parent, seek help from your parents or friends, especially during the first few months. Loss of control or independence Your life as a family now revolves around the baby. It seems you have lost control over your own life. Tips: (i) Know that this stage, too, will pass. The loss of control you feel in the initial stages will not be forever. As the baby grows, you will develop a pattern to your life. (ii) Learn to accept the limitations of the present. Altered emotional health issues You may feel incapable or overwhelmed at times. You may find it hard to stay sane while facing the transition into parenthood. Tips: (i) Know that you are not alone in your struggle. Remember that no one ever learned all about parenting in one day. Just like many other skills in life, parenting requires practice. You will get better at it with time. (ii) Get help from friends and/or family. (iii) Know that adjusting to parenthood takes time. (iv) Take breaks as needed. Even a short break of 30 minutes will greatly help in revitalizing your spirit. (v) Eat well and maintain your physical well-being. (vi) Seek strength from God. (vii) Join a parents’ support group. (viii) If you are feeling depressed, seek professional help.

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Finance and Career The financial responsibilities of parenting are huge. You need a higher income than in your pre-baby days to make both ends meet. Juggling work and family is especially demanding for the woman. Tip: (i) You need to re-adjust your budget to reflect the new financial responsibilities of caring for your child. Some leisure items may have to be sacrificed. (ii) You and your partner need to make a list of your options for generating income. Examine these options and decide what will work best for you as a family. If you decide that one spouse will stay at home, then the working spouse may need to take on extra hours of work to make up the income. (iii) Know that parenthood may provoke a career change in you. In considering your options, look at the possibility of work-from-home employment. GENERAL TIPS FOR FIRST-TIME TRANSITION INTO PARENTHOOD (More resources in the Appendix) A new addition to a family definitely causes a lot of upheaval. Rising above the challenges of the transition to parenthood will lay a solid foundation for the future, not just for the baby, but for the whole family. Here are some general tips for dealing with the challenges and staying sane through this transition: 1. Your preparations for the arrival of the baby should go beyond just the physical needs and space. You and your partner should spend time discussing your emotional needs, roles to be played, and adjustments to be made before the arrival of the baby. List your deepest concerns about the adjustments. Analyze your expectations. 2. After the birth of the baby, try and make some time for ‘regular parenting’ meetings to update yourselves on each other’s needs. Take time to clarify each partner’s roles and responsibilities during the transition period. Be flexible enough to change this in response to the changing needs of your family. 110

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3. Focus on what unites you and your partner. Learn to accept that your lives have changed forever and will never return to what they were before the baby arrived. Acceptance, compromise, and understanding are key qualities for easier transition. 4. Recognize that parenting involves different phases. The first few months may be especially challenging, but that phase, too, will pass. 5. Take time to continue discussing issues concerning you and your partner. Recognize that your needs will be very different from those of your partner. Find out the common areas of need involving both of you together as parents, and plan to help each other meet these needs as well as those of your family. 6. Seek strength from God. Ask Him for wisdom in your decisionmaking 7. Good communication between you and your spouse is vital. Be sensitive to each other’s needs during the major upheaval and beyond. Periodically, take time to ask how the other is coping. 8. Even though it may be very challenging in the initial stages, set time apart for dates as a couple. Hire a baby-sitter or ask a friend to watch the baby. Do not put your relationship with your partner on hold during the transition period. 9. Do not be afraid to seek help from family and friends when you need it. 10. Watch out for struggles around money issues. Do not allow the financial adjustment to affect your relationship as a couple. Prepare to discuss money issues regularly as your personal needs and those of your family change. 11. Use mentors, parenting classes and clubs, and Moms’ and Dads’ clubs. JESUS AND PARENTING Jesus was never a parent, but His interactions with families during His earthly ministry show us how much He valued children and the parents who raised them. Jesus loved children. He blessed them when they were brought to Him.6 Jesus knew that for continuity of the message of the gospel, new lives needed to be able to receive abundant blessings from their Creator-God. Jesus emphasized the importance of accepting and welcoming children in society. Many times Jesus used children to 111

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illustrate salient principles of His kingdom such as humility and a teachable spirit. Jesus himself had a unique childhood. His mother, Mary, became pregnant through a special divine miracle. Mary delivered Jesus under special circumstances. Jesus had a tumultuous childhood as his parents hid him from the terror of a jealous king. One of the writers of the gospel described his model, all-round growth as a child. Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man-Luke 2:52 Jesus knew that parenting was a big task that needed some help. He spoke about the difficult task of childbirth and the joy of having a new baby.7 He understood the love parents have for their children and the desire to meet these young ones’ needs. He understood that a man dearly loves his son and would do anything to care for him in his sickness. Jesus went out of his way to minister to the needs of parents by His unique miraculous acts of healing. We (Dave and Tolu) can testify like many others that Jesus still helps to meet parents’ needs today. You can ask Him for help in your parenting roles. See Chapter 10 for more on establishing a relationship with Jesus ADDITIONAL WORDS OF WISDOM Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. -I Peter 5:7 Train children in the right way, and when old, they will not stray. -Proverbs 22:6 Should you require any more information on the issues of parenting discussed in this chapter, please visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com

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CHAPTER 5 ______________________________

SEPARATION AND DIVORCE OR BREAK-UP OF A RELATIONSHIP Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary by-pass. After such a monumental assault on the heart, it takes years to amend all the habits and attitudes that led up to it. - Mary Kay Blakely

FACTS ABOUT SEPARATION AND DIVORCE In Chapter 3 we highlighted the benefits and challenges of marriage in today’s society. The lifetime commitment between two individuals in a marriage relationship often poses huge challenges. A ‘never-ending’ togetherness in all areas of life presents many avenues for differences and arguments between marital partners. Such tensions and friction are often left with little or no attention, ultimately leading to greater conflicts and struggles. The alert signal changes from yellow to orange and trouble brews. Cumulative years of continually struggling to try and work out differences in a relationship without external encouragement or support may lead to frustration on the part of the partners. Some partners decide to minimize the frustration by separating and living apart to ‘keep the peace’. Often partners who are in this separation phase have no guidance or support in how to reconcile with each other. Thus, they lose hope that the relationship can be restored. They act on this hopelessness and pursue dissolution of their marriage through divorce.

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Divorce is rarely a solution. Another way marriages are dissolved is by divorce without a prior marital separation. Infidelity on the part of a marriage partner may lead to a divorce in order for the unfaithful partner to marry a newly found love. On the whole, no matter what leads to the divorce, the fact is that divorce is a life-changing and devastating process. Divorce is the death of a relationship. Your hopes and aspirations when you said “I do” to your partner on your wedding day disappear into oblivion. Admitting that your marriage has failed can invoke feelings similar to the news that your spouse is dead. You feel a huge sense of loss, the loss of someone very important in your life. The fact that your former partner is alive and not dead, however, means you are forced to live with the event as a ‘failed relationship’ rather than ‘death and burial of an individual’. Your spouse is still very much alive and so are you. Life will continue, despite losing the relationship. This at times is more challenging, as the social support system of sympathy for the loss of life is often absent in the loss of a relationship. Having to overcome the grief of your loss without a support system combined with being held responsible for failure makes the challenges of divorce seemingly insurmountable. This should not be so. As a divorced person, you do not have to remain stuck for the rest of your life. In this chapter we offer hope for individuals who are in a period of marital separation. Your period of separation could become one of healing and restoration. You can live through this difficult phase of your married life and become reconciled to your partner. We also offer a message of hope to individuals who have gone through a divorce. It is a message of a second chance to live life fully again after the major loss in your life. We offer tips to help you deal with the challenges of this lifealtering transition.

General facts Marital separation remains a growing aspect of our society, whereby many couples suffer silently in the dark. Separation is often perceived as the precursor to divorce. Today’s social norm implies that separated individuals will eventually divorce. 114

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As explained in Chapter 3, the concept of sacrifice is not given high rating in today’s society. People are not willing to put unrewarded effort toward some future gratification. Moreover, the media has promoted both singleness and divorce, and separated couples see it as normal to head toward divorce. According to the United States Census Bureau, more than 2.5 million couples separated in the year 2000.1 This huge number translates into high probabilities of marriage dissolution. The questions that arise out of this situation are: Is there hope for couples to come back together when they separate? Is it not too late? Is there a possibility for reconciliation? Howard Weinberg2 found reasons for hope. In his article, he highlighted that one third of women who attempt to reconcile their marriages succeed in doing so. Such attempts at reconciliation, however, need to be made early in the separation process. The longer the period of separation, the less likely it is for partners to come back together, and the more likely it is for them to go through a divorce. The trauma of divorce Divorce is a very traumatic event. Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe’s social readjustment rating scale3 attempts to quantify the impact of different stressful events in terms of the extent to which a person would need to readjust their established lifestyle in order to adapt to the situation. On a scale of one to 100, marital separation ranks 65 and divorce ranks 73. A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you

-Margaret Atwood

This rating shows divorce is next only to the death of a spouse, which ranks 100 on the scale. (See Chapter 13.) Divorce poses extraordinary levels of change for individuals and their families, which require high levels of readjustment.

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Statistics In 1993 in the United States, 2.3 millions couples married and 1.3 million couples divorced. In 1993, the Bureau of the Census projected that four of 10 first marriages will end in divorce.4 Among married people between 1985 and 1989, the probability of transition from separation to divorce within five years is 85 percent.5 In 1995, the probability that couples in a first marriage will break up within the first three years is 10 percent; within 5 years is 15 percent; within 10 years is 30 percent; and within 15 years is 40 percent. In Canada, with the passing of the Divorce Act in 1968, grounds for divorce were extended to include ‘no-fault’ divorce based on separation for at least three years; in 1986, the separation period was revised to one year. The divorce rate is the proportion of marriages that end in divorce within 30 years. In 2002, the rate in Canada was 37.9 percent; in 2001, it was 37.6 percent. The longer a marriage lasts, the less likely it is to end in divorce. The couples in about 60 percent of the divorces in 2001 and 2002 had not reached their 15th anniversary. The Canadian statistics convey the fact that the fourth year of marriage is the riskiest year in terms of probability of dissolution. In the first year of marriage, there is less than one divorce for every 1,000 marriages.6 After one year of marriage, there are 5.1 divorces for every 1,000 marriages in Canada. After two years of marriage, there are 17 divorces for every 1,000 marriages in Canada. After three years, there are 23.6 divorces for every 1,000 Canadian marriages. After four years, there are 25.5 divorces for every 1,000 Canadian marriages. After that, the chances of divorce decline slowly for each subsequent year of marriage. Multiple divorces Statistics Canada figures from 2003 show the number of Canadians getting divorced more than once is on the rise.7 Researchers found the number of marriage breakups involving husbands who have been divorced at least once tripled in three decades. In 2003, 16.2 percent of husbands getting divorced had at least one previous divorce, while in 1973, the rate was 5.2 percent. Similarly, divorces involving wives who had previously been divorced rose from 5.4 percent in 1973 to 15.7 percent in 2003. 116

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These divorce statistics are compelling and illustrate the trends in marriage dissolution in today’s society. Why do couples go through separation and divorce? The reasons why couples go through marital separation and/or divorce are many, and each situation is unique. According to the Vanier Institute of the Family,8 the top reasons why couples go through divorce include: realization that they have different values and interests, physical and emotional abuse of one partner by the other, and use of alcohol and drugs. Infidelity also rates high on the list of reasons, as well as careerrelated conflicts. Financial difficulties are also prevalent in many divorce cases. In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage-Robert Anderson These top reasons cited by individuals are overlaid on a framework of cultural and demographic factors in today’s society, which give these reasons further ‘validity’. Factors contributing to the level of separation and divorce in today’s society Cultural and demographic factors in today’s society continue to contribute to the rapid rise of divorce in western countries and to the maintenance of high rates of divorce into the twenty-first century.9 One of the cultural factors is the decrease in the presence of the religious factor in marriages, often referred to as the ‘desacralization of marriage’. In addition, cultural and legal factors have made it easier for people to be less attached to marriage as an institution and consequently to turn to divorce. As mentioned in Chapter 3, people in today’s society have developed a lower threshold of tolerance when their marriages do not meet with their expectations for personal fulfillment. While more is expected of marriage, couples are also less tolerant about its challenges and less willing to shoulder the sacrifices it may require. 117

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Demographic factors, on the other hand, serve as risk factors for divorce in today’s society. Youthful marriages, low income and poverty, increase in cohabitation prior to marriage, remarriages, and having been raised in a home of divorced parents all contribute to the high divorce rates in today’s society. Before and during separation: working out your marital conflicts and differences Before Separation: In his book, Reconcilable Differences,10 Cohen, a leading divorce attorney, asserts that divorce is rarely a solution to marital problems. From his wealth of experience in matrimonial law, Cohen identified seven areas of differences that often lead to conflict but do not necessarily signal the end of the marriage. These areas are: communication, leading parallel lives (minimal or no contact time), money, sex, infidelity, life’s transitions, and in-laws and family. The fear of making permanent commitments can change the mutual love of husband and wife into two loves of self; two loves existing side by side, until they end in separation -Pope Jean John Paul II Cohen highlighted that in any of these areas, couples could go through a stage which ranges from early signs that trouble is on the way to disturbing actions that could make things worse. Couples who identify that their action is heading towards disaster need to go through a process of reconciliation to get things back on track. This is essential if the couples are to avoid a process of separation due to frustration of one or both of the partners. During Separation: As discovered in the Howard study,2 despite common trends of separation that ultimately lead to divorce, some couples have been able to come back together after some periods of separation. This kind of re118

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direction toward a healthy marriage requires guidance and commitment from both partners. During separation, you and your partner can work together or on an individual basis with a marriage counselor or clergy to help you refocus your marriage goals. Marriage involves hard work but is rewarding. Just like a physical workout, working out your marriage requires time and discipline. Setting your goals on reconciliation will help you work in the right direction during the separation. If envisioning reconciliation seems difficult, try the opposite approach. Re-evaluate your options. What will life look like if your marriage ends in divorce? How will your future life and the lives of your children be affected? Consider the fact that the chances of a second marriage succeeding might be less than that of your present marriage. Looking at the other scenario may help you refocus your goals to getting back together with your partner. As a separated couple, you need hope that the future can be bright for you in your marriage. Another source of hope and encouragement is attending a support group or program led by ‘survivors’. These are people who have been able to recover from the trauma of their own marital separations and who offer proven recovery tools based on their own experience. As a separated couple, one thing you need to avoid is being left alone to fend for yourselves without any guidance. You need to enlist all possible resources to make your separation a means of restoration and not a stepping stone to divorce.

DIVORCE IS A LIFE CHANGING AND DEVASTATING PROCESS Doug and Sue In Chapter 1 we met Brad and Sally, who had just relocated to the big city of New Moon. Not too long after their move, Brad and Sally learned that their friends in a nearby town were going through a divorce. These friends, Doug and Sue Brave, had been married for fourteen years and had three children aged twelve, ten, and nine. 119

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Brad and Sally were quite stunned by the news, as they had never perceived any trouble in the Brave family. Brad had known Doug from their high school days and they had been friends ever since. On calling his pal Doug to find out more, Brad was told the reason for the divorce. When people get married because they think it's a long-time love affair, they'll be divorced very soon, because all love affairs end in disappointment. But marriage is recognition of a spiritual identity

-Joseph Campbell

Sue had filed for divorce on the grounds of differences in values and interests between her and Doug. Doug, who is in his early forties, was totally devastated. He could not believe what he heard when his wife told him she was leaving him for good. He could not come to terms with the reason Sue had given for filing the divorce. Over the fourteen years of their marriage, Sue had been the shy one, while Doug was quite outgoing. Sue earned a lower income from her administrative assistant job with a law firm, but had seemed satisfied with her position in the family. Doug ran his own computer systems company and traveled a lot on business grounds. Doug became very depressed and was heading for ‘dangerous territory’. What was Doug to do? How would he cope with life away from his wife? How would he be able to live without his three children if it comes to that? Would they turn out all right? How would he cope at work? Many questions raced through his mind. When Brad heard the details, he was really sorry for the family. The Brave children were great and very scholarly. How would they cope with their parent’s divorce? What would be the custody arrangements for the children? Who could keep their house? Brad offered Doug support through this difficult phase of his life. In fact, Brad went to court with Doug on the date of the proceedings. As it happened, Doug and Sue’s case was not the first on the list. There were other divorce proceedings that day. Brad found two of the cases very touching. They were the cases of two couples: Steve and Helen, and Arthur and Valerie. 120

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Steve and Helen Steve, 37, and Helen, 33, had been married for fifteen years. They have a thirteen-year-old daughter named Ashley. They must have married at a young age, Brad concluded. In fact, they had married at a young age and started off on a very good note. When they took their wedding vows, Steve was a sales person at an electrical firm and Helen had just completed her secondary education. Helen was a stay-at-home Mom until Ashley settled in elementary school. Helen had then gone on to pursue the career of her passion—acting. The hours, commitment, and input required in her newly established profession continually took her away from home for long periods of time. Having gone up on the corporate ladder in his workplace, Steve was earning a huge income. Over the course of the previous few years, Steve and Helen had conflicts around Helen’s career and its impact on their family togetherness. In this court case, Helen’s lawyer had filed a divorce decree on the basis of career-related conflict. What would Steve do now? How would Ashley take it? Life would never be the same again. Arthur and Valerie Arthur and Valerie Oliver had been married for twenty years. Arthur was in his late forties while Valerie was in her early forties. This couple had no children, but not by choice. Early in their marriage, they discovered Val had problems with conception. Over the course of their marriage, they had tried many methods of having a baby using artificial reproductive technologies, but to no avail. Arthur works in real estate; Valerie does not hold a permanent job. She was a dental technician when they got married but dropped out of that field in the early years of their marriage. The fertility treatments she was undergoing, plus the rigors of trying to have a baby, did not bode well for a full-time job. The couple had decided that Arthur be the breadwinner for the family. In the court case, Arthur had filed for the divorce. He wanted to marry a younger woman who was an attorney. Valerie was stunned. 121

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So many persons think divorce a panacea for every ill, who find out, when they try it, that the remedy is worse than the disease

-Dorothy Dix

Brad was quite astonished to hear all the cases. It made him appreciate his family all the more. On the other hand, he felt really sorry for all the couples in the case. For them, life would never be the same again after the divorce. All these cases portray the fact that no matter who initiates it, divorce is a major loss on the part of both partners. Each partner is faced with the loss of a major person in their lives. This loss imposes a considerable amount of changes in all areas of their lives. CHALLENGES FACED DURING THE FIRST YEAR OF DIVORCE As illustrated by the couples above, the dissolution of a marriage imposes many challenges upon people and their families. Even though the reasons for divorce are varied, there is a common factor in the response of individuals going through it. That common factor is stress. The stresses encountered in marital separation and divorce come from three sources: Emotional upheaval from the loss The loss of your spouse results in a series of emotional upheavals. The affection, love, security, and companionship of your former sweetheart are gone. Your sense of esteem, self-worth, and well being diminishes. Your sexual relationship with your spouse is gone and so is usually the basis of your financial security. Your hopes, aspirations, and dreams for the future become things of the past. The unique partnership you had in raising your children in the same home setting is dissolved. All these changes contribute to your huge sense of loss. You go through many emotions of anger, guilt, bitterness, hatred, insecurity, and loneliness.

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Changes in your family life With the divorce, only your marriage has ceased to exist; your family life still continues. Divorce imposes huge changes in your family life if you have children, especially if they are still at home. These changes are reflected in the sharing of possessions (assets and debts), ongoing financial responsibilities, household tasks, relationships with extended family and friends, and parenting roles and responsibilities. One of the partners moves away from the family home. The family home may be sold and you may have to move into a new home. All the changes associated with relocation and house moves (see Chapter 14) are added to the complexity of the situation. Household routines such as meals and shopping change. Life is just not the same anymore. You become single parents juggling the parental responsibilities you used to share with each other. Your children, too, are greatly affected by the changes in your family. They experience more transitions when parents change their marital status.

Children without fathers, or whose parents float in and out of their lives after divorce, are the most precarious little boats in the most turbulent seas

-Hillary R. Clinton

They also go through emotional turmoil, at times blaming themselves for the divorce. You will need to help them adjust to their new situation. You will have to deal with the changes in your children’s behavior while dealing with your own personal challenges. Changes in your life as a person Divorce means you become single again, but it is a new kind of singleness. Divorce does not simply put you back where you were before marriage. Even if you have no children, the singleness attained after divorce is different from the singleness before marriage. Instead of being 123

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‘one’, you become two single individuals, which is why you lose your sense of identity. You ask yourself the question: Who am I? What do I want to do with my life? You will need to discover a new identity that is not tied to your role as the wife or husband of your former spouse. You may also lose friends who knew you as a married person, as well as the friendship support base that you have built over the years. You need to rethink your roles as parent, worker and caretaker. All these factors add up to a very challenging transition for you as a newly divorced person. You may have personal stress symptoms such as disrupted sleep, exhaustion, or irritability. You may feel helpless or hopeless, or that you are unable to cope, are about to fall apart, or unable to make decisions. Your loss is a major one and you need to grieve the loss of your former spouse. The phases of grieving your loss from divorce are similar to those of grieving the loss of a loved one through death. (See more in Chapter 13.) You may go through stages of shock, denial, anger and depression and eventually acceptance, recovery, and forgiveness. In Chapter 1 we illustrated the phases of going through life’s changes in general: recognizing the change, denial and anger, acceptance, and moving forward. Diets, in his book, Life after Loss,11 described a similar classification of the stages of going through divorce. They are: shock and numbness, denial and withdrawal, acknowledgement and pain, and eventually adaptation and renewal. As described in Chapter 1, individuals go through these different phases, at times switching back and forth between the initial phases until they finally come to terms with the reality of their situation. Thus, the challenges posed by transition into a state of divorce are varied and complex. How then can you as a newly divorced person rise above the challenges of your situation? How can you stay sane amidst all the complexities of the changes? In their book, The Fresh Start Divorce Recovery Workbook,12 Burns and Whiteman highlighted important goals that will help you to move on with your life. You need to focus on regaining your self-esteem and faith in God, and on moving beyond bitterness and anger into forgiveness and spiritual freedom. Being able to deal with tough financial issues that inevitably arise as well as successfully negotiating your re-entry into single life will go a long way towards a successful adjustment. 124

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In the next section we offer practical tips that will help you rise above the challenges of your divorce transition period and thereby achieve these goals. DEALING WITH THE CHALLENGES DURING THE FIRST YEAR OF DIVORCE (See more resources in the Appendix) As mentioned above, a newly divorced person faces many challenges. For many of the issues (legal, financial), you will require professional help, but we offer some general tips to help you stay sane through the change and rise above the challenges of your transition.

Before you sign the papers Assume your spouse has served you a divorce decree for some reason: you are stunned, absolutely surprised and downcast at the same time. This is not your own wish. Somewhere, somehow along the line, some important things went wrong. 1. Seek reconciliation through any available means (See section on “Working through your marital differences”.) At the onset If it reaches a point where you have to sign the papers, a point where you have to go through the process: 2 Get legal help. Financial issues—sharing of debts and assets and child custody and support—are all important areas where you need appropriate legal counsel. 3. Seek emotional support. The emotions of anger, regret, fear, despair, frustration, anxiety, and distrust are real and valid when you are going through a divorce, but these emotions will need to be managed well if you are to move forward after the experience. Getting support from professionals such as clergy, counselors, and support groups will provide a ‘safe place’ to help you work through those periods of emotional disruption. 125

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4. Keep your children in mind, if you have one or more. They are also facing many changes and have a range of emotions. 5. Use the services of a financial advisor. Sharing property and other financial assets, bank accounts, retirement funds, and dept payments requires good financial planning. Talk to your financial advisor or accountant about how to manage these well. 6. Do not keep your divorce a secret. Talk to people who can lend a listening ear. Talk about the steps leading to the divorce. Describe your feelings about the events. If possible, let the people close to you know about your situation. 7. Get in touch with your family physician. Assess your state of health. Let him or her know about your emotional state of health while going through the divorce. 8. Seek God for wisdom and guidance in the difficult times. Talk to someone who can provide some spiritual assistance. 9. Join a divorce recovery group. Find a group of people going through a similar situation as yours. This will help you to perceive that you are not alone in your struggle. Realizing this will raise your level of self worth as you come to terms with the fact that divorce did not come your way just because you are bad or unworthy. You realize it happens to others, too. 10. Watch what you eat and drink. It is easy to use food as a ‘hiding place’ for your anger and emotions. Do not use other things such as TV as a hiding place. Remember that your children need you, too. 11. Know that your state of emotional distress will not be with you forever. You will not always feel as you do now. It is part of the grieving process of your big loss. This stage will pass. 12. Your children are very much affected by this change in their family situation. Try and offer support to them as they move through the transition. If necessary, seek professional counseling for them. After the first few months 13. Allow yourself time to grieve. (More about this in Chapter 13.) Do not pretend you are doing fine if you are not. Resolve your feelings and keep moving forward. Mourning your loss is the outward expression of your grief. It is all right to cry. Tears are part of the healing process. 126

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14. Try not to make any life-impacting decisions during the first few months after your divorce. You need a clearer mind to make decisions about career, relocation, and huge changes in lifestyle. 15. If you have children, you will need support in combining your responsibilities with your ex-partner’s. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Find sources of support for yourself as a single parent. 16. Periods of grief sap a lot of your emotional energy. Feeling exhausted is normal. This stage will also pass. 17. Continue to watch your physical health in the months after the divorce. Eat well and get adequate rest. At a later stage Coming to terms with the divorce takes time. The amount of time will different for each individual. 18. Accept that your former marriage is over. Look for both closure and new beginnings in your transition. Seek to create an identity for yourself that is not based on your former spouse. Recognize that to release yourself fully into the future, you need to forgive the hurts of the past. You need to forgive your ex-partner. 19. Work together with your partner in protecting the children during the period of unsettling change in their lives. You and your partner should try and reassure the children of your responsibilities toward them. You and your partner should try and be civil to each other when the children are around. 20. Examine honestly your role in your former relationship. Seek to identify any part you played in the break-up. This will help you in your life as a person and in any future relationships you may want to establish. 21. Renew your faith in God. Seek God’s help and truth during the difficult periods. This will help you to grow as a person. 22. Give yourself time to heal and grow before committing to another relationship. Reach out and support someone else. This can help your healing process. Re-evaluate your outlook, your expectations and goals in life. Know that the divorce is not the end of your life. You will begin to rebuild your life when the goal of a better future for yourself develops in your mind. You can rise above the challenges of the change. 127

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WORDS OF HEALING FOR THE BROKENHEARTED Self-worth Do not allow others to determine your self-worth. Divorce does not destroy a person’s value or worth. You need to see your value in the sight of God. Your value before God has not changed. Times of huge changes in your relationship with your loved one may cause you great pain or hurt. Nevertheless, your worth or value remains the same in the eyes of God. Living life fully When Jesus was on earth, He had an interaction with a Samaritan woman13 who was living with her fifth husband. Jesus had compassion for this woman and saw beyond the woman’s past experiences. Jesus saw the need in her heart for happiness, peace, and joy. Jesus forgave that woman and set her free to live life fully. Jesus can do that for you, too. (See Chapter 10 on how to develop a relationship with Jesus.) Are you burdened? Worn out? Burned out with religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you will learn to live full

-Matthew 11:2 (paraphrased)

Strength for the journey Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength -Isaiah 40:31 Comfort and Re-assurance Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning -Psalms 30:5 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not be in want. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever -Psalm 23: 1, 4b-6 128

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Healing for the brokenhearted God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds -Psalms 147:3 1 The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me. He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners 2 God sent me to announce the year of his grace - a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies - and to comfort all who mourn 3 To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit -Isaiah 61: 1-3 (The Message translation) There will never be another now I’ll make the most of today There will never be another me I’ll make the most of myself

Should you require any more information on the issues of marital separation and divorce discussed in this chapter, please visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com Perhaps you have gone through a divorce and have subsequently been healed. You have been able to move on with your new life and have discovered amazing new opportunities. Your voice will definitely be a powerful one to individuals going through divorce. If you would like to help in this way, please visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com

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CHAPTER 6 ______________________________

REMARRIAGE AND BLENDED FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS Re-marriage is an art. It requires more selfunderstanding than most relationships, as well as insight into the past that keeps an eye on the future -Benjamin Schlesinger

FACTS ABOUT REMARRIAGE AND BLENDED FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS In Chapter 3 we highlighted the benefits of marriage and the challenges of transition into married life. From time to time, death takes its toil on marriage relationships through the loss of one of the partners. (See Chapter 13.) Many times the surviving spouse is left alone with children from the marriage. It often takes time for the surviving spouse to heal from the trauma of the tragic event. Over the years that follow, however, the spouse moves on in life and often rediscovers the joy of having a new love. This may lead to the remarriage of the surviving spouse to a new partner. The newly formed family—a step family or blended family—often includes children from either or both previous family settings. After the dissolution of a first marriage through divorce, individuals may enter into a second marital relationship. In the previous chapter we discussed the trauma and challenges that divorce creates for individuals. Over the years following the painful event, many of the resulting single partners pursue new romantic relationships that eventually result in remarriage. Often the new partners bring children from their former 131

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marriages into the new family setting. As a result, such new couples often have a blended family created from a combination of children from two different families. On other occasions, a previously married, widowed, or divorced partner marries an individual who has never been married before. This also results in step families, as the new couple may have joint children of their own in addition to those from one partner’s previous marriage. Stepfamilies or blended families are born out of loss, and at least one spouse is a step-parent. The stepfamily system is complicated and multidimensional. It is likely that not every member of the stepfamily will be happy about the marriage and the new family setup. General facts and statistics In Chapters 3 and 5 we highlighted some statistics on the marriage and divorce trends in Canada and the United States. In those chapters we also discussed factors in today’s society that contribute to the recent trends in marriage and divorce. By inference, these factors also contribute to the trends in remarriage in the culture of today. Among other things, in the catalogue or consumer society of today, relationships are fast becoming part of the throwaway culture. The blended family is increasingly common. In 1967 in Canada, only 12 percent of all marriages were remarriages, while by 1997 more than one in four marriages were remarriages.1 Although there are almost onehalf as many divorces as marriages each year (see Chapter 5), Canadians generally remarry after a divorce. According to Ambert,2 approximately 70 percent and 58 percent respectively of divorced men and women remarry. There are also many who marry for a third and fourth time. With rates like these, a number of families are based on remarriages. Multiple divorces are also common. (See Chapter 5.) As stated in Chapter 5, the number of marriage breakups involving husbands who have been divorced at least once tripled in three decades.3 This suggests that accelerating rates of divorce have not led to the death of the family; rather, high rates of divorce and remarriage have led to the reorganization of the family.1 About 10 percent of all Canadian children under the age of 12 are living in a stepfamily.3 In Canada, the term ‘stepfamilies’ includes both 132

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marital and cohabitational unions, while in the United States the term usually refers only to families resulting from remarriage. In 2001, 12 percent of Canadian families composed of a couple with children were stepfamilies.4 Half of all the stepfamilies in the entire country are remarriages. In the United States, 75 percent of divorced women remarry within 10 years. The probability of remarriage is significantly higher for women who are younger at divorce. Eighty-one percent of women under the age of 25 at divorce have remarried, compared to 68 percent of women aged 25 years and over at divorce.5 After 10 years of remarriage, 47 percent of remarriages of women under the age of 25 at remarriage have dissolved, compared with only 34 percent of remarriages to women at least 25 years of age at remarriage. Eighty percent of men remarry within five years after divorce. Thus, more people today are part of second marriages than first marriages, and stepfamilies are becoming the fastest growing family form in America. Although remarriages can be as happy as first marriages, second marriages are at greater risk of ending in divorce than first marriages. Adjusting for the number of years married, remarriages after a divorce have a rate of dissolution that is 10 percent higher than first marriages2; however, remarriages that endure often outlast a first marriage. Why the second marriage is more complex than the first In a first marriage, partners separate from their families of origin in order to cleave to each other. The partners have to leave their parents, siblings and friends to form a new partnership with their sweethearts. The partners in a first marriage have to separate from habits and attitudes formed in childhood and adolescence in order to establish their own unique family tradition with their partners. In second marriages, the partners also have to leave and separate from previous situations in order to cleave to their new partners. In the case of a second marriage, a partner must separate from a first spouse and a first marriage. This can be very demanding, as many more multiple factors are involved. The individuals are separating not only from the emotional baggage of the first marriage, but also from its painful termination through death or divorce. Separating from exspouses and ex-in-laws may be more difficult if children are involved. 133

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Thus, the presence of children from a previous marriage increases the complexity of the separation process. Remarriage is a union of two existing families; therefore, the separation is not only from an ex-spouse but also from a previous family. Family formation takes place in an atmosphere of love and building history together over the course of many years. Separating from a family is, therefore, an unsettling phenomenon since it shakes the very core of the individual. The sum total of the complex factors mentioned above results in a lesser stability of remarriages compared to first marriages. Other sociocultural factors contribute to the instability of remarriages and blended families. Partners in remarriages have usually undergone one previous divorce, and may be more ready to have recourse to it as a solution to marital difficulties in their second marriage. On the other hand, fewer social norms guide second marriage and stepfamily relationships, making it more difficult for spouses to feel secure within their respective, ill-defined roles. It is notable that remarriages without children from previous unions or with children born to the union have a rate of divorce equivalent to that of first marriages.2 Despite these unsettling statistics, the rate of remarriage continues to rise. Stepfamilies are continually being formed by individuals who have gone through the loss of a previous spouse. Reasons for undergoing remarriage and forming blended families In Chapter 3 we highlighted the benefits of marriage in our lives as human beings. Over the course of time after their traumatic loss, widowed and divorced individuals heal well enough to be able to embrace life with a new outlook. Through their innate desire for companionship, they are able to seek out new relationships. Marriage regains an honored place on their wish list. Human nature is such that we will always desire things that enhance our personal value, and marriage is a priority item on that list. We believe marriage is necessary for attaining happiness and fulfillment in life. Thus, widowed and divorced persons enter into remarriage to fulfill their longing for companionship and fulfillment in life.

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Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at how many re-enlist. In other cases, some people who have never been married before form step-families because the person with whom they have fallen in love has children from a previous marriage. The love and affection they have for this single parent overrides the presence of the children. They are willing to commit to a relationship with the person, children and all. Step families and blended families Blended families pose unique types of challenges because past histories need to be remodeled into one future. In cases where the former spouses of remarried couples are deceased, the challenges of remodeling the new family are many and complex. The number, ages, and individualities of the children when their parents remarry all add up to making the transition into a blended family a challenging task. On the other hand, in many cases the partners of the second marriage are divorced from their former spouses. Thus, the ex-spouses of the new partners are still alive. This makes writing the new family history a momentous task. The ex-spouses will continue to come in and out of the newly married couple's lives, especially if they have common children. In turn, the children have two sets of parents—the biological parents and the stepparents—as well as two sets of extended families including uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents. Dividing loyalty between these family sets poses extraordinary levels of challenge to young hearts. It is also a challenge to the children if they have to move back and forth between two sets of homes. This is a challenge not only for the children but also for the adults. A new stepparent trying to win the love of a stepchild within a family setting tends to go through another phase of courtship. The stress of competing with the previous spouse, particularly when it involves children from the first marriage, requires a great deal of resolute effort. Step-families are complex on every front. The potential for jealousy, competition, loyalty conflicts, and the making of enemies within and between households is part of the structure. Blended families have builtin ambiguities and complexities that have no simple solutions. Redefining 135

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roles and restructuring the new family requires wisdom, courage, and hard work.

BEFORE YOU REMARRY - FACTS TO CONSIDER BEFORE GOING INTO A NEW PARTNERSHIP Forgiving the past – dealing with the ghosts of marriage past Being able to defuse anger from the previous disappointment and grieving your loss in appropriate ways will help you to heal from the hurt of the past. You need to mourn the past and be healed from your hurts in order to be detached from it. You need to mourn the loss of someone you once loved. You need to mourn the loss of an intact family with Mom, Dad, and children living together in an ideal ‘no-struggle’ setting. Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending

-Carl Bard

As an individual, it is essential that you are healed from the pain of the breakdown of the former relationship. You also need to be released from a sense of failure. Identifying what role you played in the breakdown of the old relationship will help you in your preparation process. Knowing this and working at changing unhealthy patterns will also help you in your future relationships. This is necessary, even in the case of widowed individuals. Forgive yourself for the wrongs in your former relationship. Also ask for the forgiveness of your ex-spouse. Identify ways in which the first marriage was good. That may be difficult at first, but as you are healed from the hurts, you will be able to find a number of good things that happened to you in that marriage, which you can use to celebrate the change that you experienced.

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Have a new outlook on life Having been healed from the hurt of the past, you need to be able to enjoy a broader outlook on life. Working hard at changing unhealthy patterns should make you grow as a person. You can view life from a different perspective. You need to be happy with yourself as a person. In his advice to people getting married again,6 Tom Whiteman asserts that you are not truly ready to remarry until you are happy being single. Rushing into a second marriage to avoid loneliness or to get a partner’s help in raising your children is not a wise choice. Seeking a partner to help you with your finances is not a valid reason for entering into remarriage. Until you make peace with who you are, you will never be content with what you have. Do not enter into a relationship on the rebound phase of your previous loss, when you are very vulnerable. Do not rush into a new relationship until you have learned to love yourself and understand your strengths and weaknesses. Be ready to become a better partner. Embrace the new With a broader outlook on life and satisfaction with yourself as a person, you are ready to embrace new relationships. When you are entering into a new partnership, take your time in building the relationship. Bond with your new partner as much as possible before the remarriage. When you remarry, the stress from each partner’s links with ex-spouses and children may leave you with little time for bonding. You also need time for emotional reorganization to take place. Dissociating from former images of a spouse and replacing them with new images takes time. You have to learn to love again but might be afraid to commit yourself fully because of the underlying fear that you might be hurt again. You will need to be able to trust someone again before committing yourself fully into this new relationship. This will take some time. Be ready to deal with complex issues that result from links with the past: 137

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Agree on how to handle links with the past (i) Emotional baggage from your previous marital relationship As mentioned above, each partner needs to be healed personally from the hurt of the past. On top of this, in committing to a new relationship proposed partners need to spend time digging up their past together. Doing this together helps each of you to understand the emotional baggage from the past relationships from which both of you need to be detached. You need to explore both of your previous marriages and, without prejudice, identify each other’s role in the failure of those relationships. You also need to discuss what you liked and did not like about your previous partner. Listing the points you liked about your former spouse may be easier for the widowed than for the divorced. Nevertheless, doing this will help you to break emotionally from the past relationship and set a precedent for the foundation of the new one. (ii) Former spouses and stepchildren You and your new proposed marriage partner need to discuss issues surrounding the children that one or both of you will be bringing into the marriage. With the presence of stepchildren, each partner will have to relate to one ex-spouse in one way or another. Clarifying the ‘how’ and ‘when’ of this relating will help avoid major conflicts in the future. Financial obligations Financial issues of stepparenting are not as straightforward as those in traditional families. You need to identify who pays for what. For example, is the stepfather obligated to contribute toward the stepchild's college education when his own children did not attend college? Family traditions Our cultural values are top priorities in our family lives. As partners entering remarriage, it is helpful to discuss the ritual styles that you will follow in your new home. This is very helpful, especially when children are involved. When not discussed in advance, such household routines or holiday traditions may be sources of major clashes between children and the stepparent, and may bring back emotional attachment to the former spouse. 138

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On the whole, working on all the above parameters will help you to be emotionally and intellectually prepared for your new venture into the world of second chances. They will help you to stay sane and rise above the challenges of your transition into remarriage. REMARRIAGE REQUIRES A HIGH LEVEL OF READJUSTMENT In Chapter 1, Sally and Brad had just relocated to the new city of New Moon. Their new house was located in a cul-de-sac of eleven houses. Soon after their move, two other neighborhood houses also changed ownership. During their first summer in the house, one of the neighbors proposed a yard sale for all interested parties, with a get-together afterward. It was at this social function that Sally and Brad had a chance to interact with two neighboring couples, Bill and Kate, and Dennis and Robyn. Both couples had blended families. Bill and Kate Bill, 42, and Kate, 40, met at a social function in a friend’s house. At that time, Kate had been widowed for almost four years. Her former husband, Wayne, died of a heart condition, leaving her with two daughters. Bill had also been widowed for about four and a half years when he met Kate. Bill’s deceased spouse, Lynne, died in a tragic automobile accident and left him with two sons and one daughter. Bill and Kate had attended the social function at the invitation of the hosts. With the help, advice, and promptings of friends, they decided to see each other again and further pursue the relationship. Eventually their friendship grew deeper and they decided to get married. At that time, Bill and Kate’s children were teenagers. The marriage proposal thus presented a number of challenges. How would they cope with blending their two families with teenage children? Another decisive issue was where they would set up their home. Bill’s house was bigger than Kate’s townhouse so they resolved to make their home at Bill’s. Kate and her daughters moved into Bill’s house after the wedding. This caused a lot of changes for both families. Blending two families with teenaged children into one big family was challenging. 139

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Kate’s daughters felt like strangers in their new house. Bill’s children felt threatened by the new lady and her children. Suddenly having a woman in charge of the household presented problems for Bill’s children. On Kate’s side, the change brought untold pressures. She seemed to be kicking against a hard wall by trying to build a home with three teenagers who had difficulty in accepting her as the female head of the household. It is best for all parties in the combined family to take matters slowly, to use the crock pot instead of the pressure cooker, and not to aim for a perfect blend but rather to recognize the pleasures to be enjoyed in retaining some of the distinct flavors of the separate ingredients

-Claire Berman7

The pressures of the change greatly affected Bill’s eldest son who became very rebellious. He was responding to the fact that his role as the second-in-charge in the home had been usurped by the new woman. Bill, on the other hand, was facing the pressures of dealing with his own children in the changed environment. He was trying hard to accept Kate’s teenage daughters, who constantly compared how he treated them with how he treated his own children. The pressure was very high. How could the members of this family stay sane in this tense environment? In the initial stages Kate often pondered whether the move was a wise one, as she constantly faced the tension that resulted from the changes. She often wondered if she would choose the option of the blended family if she were given a chance to begin all over again. Another major change that Kate underwent was the deferment of her career. She opted to be a stay-at-home Mom and directed all her efforts towards making the blended family work. It was a very stressful experience. On the positive side, Bill and Kate enjoyed the companionship of each other. This helped them to look beyond the difficulties and work out possible solutions. Bill was not exposed to the stress of the situation as much as Kate. He had a good job with the government that utilized 140

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his creative skills. He was also very involved in coaching the community children in basketball. Thus, Bill was out of the home for a considerable part of the day. Apart from child-to-stepparent interactions, the two sets of children also had to adjust to one another. Bill’s older son was rebellious, constantly putting Kate down. This triggered reactions from Kate’s children, who would always support their mother. Under these circumstances, Bill and Kate had to work very hard at their relationship to make it work. How did members of this blended family manage to stay sane in the volatile situation presented during the initial years? How did they rise above the challenge of the complex transition in their family life? One essential thing that helped the process was the good communication skills that Bill and Kate developed with each other. They decided to handle situations together in such a way that neither set of children could blame the stepparents for any decisions made. In this way they did not allow the children to come between them. All the fine art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on

-Havelock Ellis

Bill and Kate also made a point of standing up for each other in front of the children, thus building respect amongst the children. Bill and Kate also built on the foundation of their faith walk with God. This faith walk was greatly enhanced by their commitment to spend time together in prayer and their involvement in the church community as a family. One other positive habit that Bill and Kate adopted was talking freely about their deceased spouses in the presence or absence of the children. They honored the memories of their first partners, which was an important factor in helping them honor their new partnership.

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Dennis and Robyn Dennis, 33, and Robyn, 37, were very elated when they formed a new marriage partnership. To them it was indeed a triumph of hope over experience. All the distress of the four to five previous years seemed to be behind them. They were both happy to turn the page on painful chapters of their lives and start writing new, happy ones. Dennis, who owns his optometry practice, has an eleven-year-old son from a previous marriage to Alicia that had been dissolved by divorce five years ago. Dennis had gained custody of their son on the grounds of Alicia’s poor mental health. Robyn works in real estate and has two nine-year-old twin daughters. Robyn was divorced from her ex-spouse, Bob, four years prior to her remarriage. Her daughters had been living with her since the divorce, with occasional visits to their dad, who lived 3000 kilometers away on the other side of the country. The new couple really looked forward to a bright future ahead of them. Being in real estate, Robyn was able to purchase a new home for their new family in a different locality from both partner’s original homes. The partners felt this would give them a fresh start and an opportunity to build a new, custom-built home together. During their courtship, they had plans drawn up for the new home, which took into consideration the needs of each new family member. Will Dennis and Robyn’s experience of blended families be similar to or different from Bill and Kate’s? There were some similarities in the experiences of both families as they transitioned into blended family or stepfamily relationships. Just like Bill and Kate's experience, the first year was particularly tough for Dennis and Robyn. Dennis’ son could not come to terms with the fact that his dad was now married to another woman—a healthy woman—while his Mom’s health was not too good. Having to move to a new home in a new neighborhood only fueled his anger. Remarriage with stepchildren illuminates divergent needs and loyalties that are always present but often invisible in original families-William J. Doherty 8 142

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Another change factor for Dennis’ son was the fact that he had lived without women for the past five years. All of a sudden he was plunged into a life with three ladies. He did not like the new family setting or the house move. It did not matter that his new room was better than the room he had had in his previous house. He missed his friends in his former neighborhood. Wisely, Dennis and Robyn had decided to keep the children in their former schools. Thus, Dennis’ son was still going to the same school as before, which seemed to be the only constant in his life during that period. Everything else had changed. At first, Robyn drove all the children to their different schools together. She was ready to take on the role of a mother in Dennis’ son’s life. All the changes were too much for Dennis’ son, however, and the family was forced to rethink their strategies. They decided to make the transition gradually. Dennis’ son needed more time to build a relationship with the new woman who had invaded his territory. Dennis reverted back to driving his son to his school himself, which afforded them special time alone from the new strangers in their lives. Life was also different for Robyn’s daughters. They were jealous of the new stepdad in their lives with whom they had to live. They had a good relationship with their dad and always cherished the time they spent with him on their summer breaks. They were not used to the idea of someone else living in the same house with them and their mom. But having a father figure in the home was not such a bad idea. After all, there were two of them, and they offered support to each other, especially in their dealings with their new stepdad. The twins could not relate very well to Dennis’ son, especially since he did not seem to like their mom. They always defended their mom whenever tensions arose between her and their new stepbrother. Robyn and Dennis, on the other hand, were having difficulty finding time for each other to build on their relationship. They had looked forward to putting into practice the new skills they had learned over the last four to five years since their divorces. Both their divorces had been painful and they had both gone through the experience of grief and healing. It was a good thing they had forgiven their ex-spouses and released the hurt of the past. They had continued to maintain cordial relationships 143

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with their ex-spouses, which was more challenging for Dennis because of his ex-spouse’s mental health. Both Dennis and Robyn had learned to mourn the past and put it behind them. Nevertheless, the response of Dennis’ son especially burdened their minds. They also had tensions to resolve involving Robyn’s daughters, but not as many as with Dennis’ son. The couple decided to work hard at their relationship, realizing it was a second chance for them to live life fully again. The experiences of the two families above portray the level of readjustments newly remarried couples must make in the transition period of their relationship. The next sections deal with the challenges associated with transition into remarriage. CHALLENGES FACED DURING THE FIRST YEAR OF REMARRIAGE As you are entering into remarriage, you may experience some transitions similar to the ones you had during your first marriage, (See Chapter 3.) but all these factors are overlaid on the ones from your first separation, thus making them more complex. You may relocate and/or change jobs to move to the same location as your new spouse. You have to learn new ways of doing things (again!). You will have to interact with an extra set of in-laws and extended family. You will need to shift the basis of your friendship (again!) to those related to your new family setting. These are the basic challenges you face. There are more complex challenges associated with your remarriage experience. Your loss of the transient singleness of widowhood or divorce is a welcome change. You will not be alone any more, because you have the companionship of your new spouse. You may lose your first family home if you move into your new spouse’s house. Financial issues are important, since you will have to adjust to balancing the needs of two sets of ready-made families. The most important challenges you will face in your remarriage are centered on the presence of existing children at the beginning of your new life with your partner. You may not have time to develop as a couple because of the instant blended family that results from your remarriage. 144

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The time and atmosphere to bond with your new partner is immediately sabotaged by demands for attention to children’s needs. Even if you do not have existing children, there is a high probability of your starting a family soon after your remarriage. Since many people entering remarriage are more mature, you and your partner may want to have children as soon as possible because your biological clock may be ticking. Stepping into the role of stepparent is a factor associated with the absorption of a ready-made family in your remarriage. You might have been a single parent for a few years before remarriage. You will probably share parenting of your children with a stepparent, an individual who is not their biological parent. On the other hand, your partner may have children of his or her own. You will then become a stepparent to them and share co-parenting roles with your spouse’s ex-spouse. The associated challenge of the stepparent is how to live peaceably with the non-resident parent of your step-child, your partner’s ex-spouse. Stepfamilies take a lot of work. They do not just happen when two adults take each other’s hand in marriage. Children do not look for a new parent in ways that an adult looks for a new partner. Children do not enter into stepfamilies with the same longing for a new life that adults have. In fact, when a single parent decides to re-marry, the previous loss the children experienced when their second parent died or moved away tends to be re-awakened. The unresolved emotions of that loss may resurface at the moment of a new change, the remarriage. It takes children a longer time to be ready to move on to form new family relationships than it takes an adult, especially if the second parent is still alive. Children will always remain hopeful that their parents will get back together. Forming a stepfamily from a second marriage that includes existing children requires a lot of hard work. Bray, in his article, The Ghosts of Marriages Past,9 asserts that in order to succeed, a stepfamily must solve four basic tasks: integrating the stepparent into the child’s life, creating a second marriage and separating it from the first, managing change, and developing rules for dealing with non-resident parents and former spouses. In the next section we offer more general tips for dealing with the transitions in a second marriage. 145

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DEALING WITH THE CHALLENGES DURING THE FIRST YEAR AFTER REMARRIAGE (More resources in the Appendix) In the section titled “Before you remarry”, we offered some tips that will help you prepare for the challenges of your second marriage. With the wedding ceremony and the honeymoon over, you need to get ready to make the best of your second chance to live life fully. The following are general tips that will help you stay sane as you face the complex changes associated with remarriage. They will help you rise above the challenges of forming a stepfamily and finding your way through the stepparenting maze. Creating a second marriage and separating it from the first. 1. Having mourned your first marriage and forgiven your ex-spouse and yourself, be ready to leave the past behind. Focus on goals that are aimed at creating a better future. 2. Allow flexibility in terms of assumed gender roles. Allow the new stepmother to go out and work if she so desires. As a stepdad, you are to participate in disciplining and taking care of the children, especially those that are biologically yours. Do not dump all the parenting responsibilities on the woman. 3. Avoid repeating any unhealthy patterns of the previous marriage. 4. Seek God’s strength and wisdom for the journey. Such a complex engagement as the blending of two ready-made families requires a considerable amount of patience and wisdom. 5. You and your new partner need special time apart, couple time of your own. Having been instantly plunged into a life with children that demand a lot of your attention, you may have limited opportunities to develop and nurture your own relationship. You need to intentionally create time for this, or it may never happen. 6. You need to stand up for your spouse in front of your children. 7. Agree to make decisions together on issues concerning the children in such a way that you do not allow the children to get between you.

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Integrating the stepparent into the child’s life 1. Take your responsibility for stepparenting seriously. Stepchildren have usually had enough turmoil and uncertainty with the death or divorce of the other parent and need some form of stability in their lives. 2. Do not assume your stepchild is looking for another stepparent in place of the absent parent. No one ever replaces a parent, even if that parent is dead or absent. Recognize this and be wise about your impact and your influence. Reassure the children that you are not trying to replace their mum or dad. Instead, you are an additional adult in their lives they can trust and turn to if they want. 3. Do not force yourself on your stepchildren. Allow your stepchildren to take the lead in getting to know you. Give them time to trust you and gain enough confidence in you to establish a relationship with you. Once you win their confidence, you can then reassure them you will be there for them. 4. Know it is unreasonable to expect yourself to love your children and your stepchildren equally. Loving and caring are about relationships and not about equality. Love cannot be forced. It happens and grows. 5. Recognize that stepfamilies will not necessarily do things the same way as the first families. Some family traditions may be kept while some are dropped and new ones created. 6 Give your stephildren the freedom to talk about their biological parents and to refer to happy times they had when their parents were together. This may be difficult for you, but it will help your stepchildren to build their trust in you. 7. Agree with your partner on the mode of discipline in your new family. Make sure it is the biological parent that is seen as the major disciplinarian. 8. Make sure you and your partner make it clear that each set of children must show respect for their stepparents. 9. Do not try to be perfect; just be yourself.

Managing change 1. The process of forming a stepfamily goes through its own phases. You may go through periods of identity crisis. You will need time to discover your role in your ready-made family setting. 147

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2. Recognize and understand your limits. Know that forming a stepfamily takes time. Learn to accept the limitations of the present. 3. Use a family support system. Identify and use available resources for remarried couples and blended families. Your support system could include friends, extended family, neighbors, church members, colleagues at work, or social service professionals. 4. Be realistic with respect to your expectations in your new married life. Recognize that integrating the lives of four adults is more complex than integrating the lives of two adults. Do not bring the ideals and attitudes of the first marriage into the second. 5. Set apart time and money for yourself. 6. Move along with the overlaid or superimposed roles of the old and new family settings. 7. Take care of yourself. Eat well and get plenty of rest. Schedule physical exercises into your routine. 8. Avoid extreme changes in your lifestyle. Adjusting to a new remarriage relationship is stressful enough without adding extra sources of stress at the adjustment phase of your marriage. 9. Use humor to help you adjust to the changes in your family life. 10. Seek God’s strength for managing the process of change. Developing rules for dealing with non-resident parents and former spouses 1. It is very important that you make every effort to maintain a good relationship with the ex-spouses, particularly because of the children. 2. Define and clarify the roles of you and your partner at home and in parenting, as opposed to the roles of the non-resident parent. Such roles will continue to evolve as the stepfamily is formed. 3. Bring the children into discussions of some vital family issues. This may help alleviate their fears. Discuss issues such as how to maintain contacts with their biological parents and who does what in the house. 4. Do not speak badly about the absent parent in front of the children. Always show that you honor the absent parent.

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ADDITIONAL WORDS OF WISDOM Redeeming that which was lost Jesus not only heals the brokenhearted but also imparts to them the ability to recover that which was lost. The theme of Jesus’ earthly ministry is that of redemption. His message is that of second chances. As you lean totally upon Him, Jesus can help you to rebuild again. See Chapter 10 for more information on how to establish a relationship with Jesus. A message of hope The gospel of Jesus Christ is filled with hope for the downtrodden, healing for the brokenhearted and redemption for the lost. The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD

-Luke 4:18-19

Beginning again Jesus was willing to be a beginner, to start all over again. He left His Father’s throne, and came down as a baby and started His life as a human being right from scratch. Jesus is not new to the concept of beginning all over again. In fact, he offers hope that the seemingly impossible can become a possibility. For with God nothing will be impossible -Luke 1:37

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Should you require any more information on the issues of remarriage and blended family relationships discussed in this chapter, please visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com The next section deals with career-related issues.

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PART III

I HAVE A LOT TO OFFER- CAREER

CHAPTER 7 ______________________________

CAREER MOVES Each man has his own vocation; his talent is his call. There is one direction in which all space is open to him. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

FACTS ABOUT CAREER MOVES In Chapter 1 we met Brad Robertson, who had recently relocated to a new city. He had been re-assigned from the Sales Department to the Operations Department of his firm. Even though it is the same ‘career’, Brad faced a number of challenges in this move. Even though Brad had a vast general knowledge of his industry, his career move from one department to another involved a considerable learning process. This put him out of his comfort zone. In the initial stages of this move, he was not sure of this ‘unknown’ territory. His major worry was his ability to stay sane amidst all the changes. Among other issues, he also had anxieties arising from the fear of failure. This chapter deals with the challenges associated with moves from one position to another within the same career. At times such career moves involve relocation. We have deferred the physical aspects of career-related relocations to Chapter 14. In this chapter our focus is on career-related issues of the move.

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Job security is gone. The driving force of a career must come from the individual -Homa Bahrami Statistics A recent poll for Ipsos-Reid, Bricker & Wright1 interviewed Canadians on career aspects of their lives. The results revealed an interesting trend about career moves in today’s society. Of the whitecollar job people interviewed, 16 percent have changed employers within the last two years and 35 percent have changed jobs with the same employer in the same time period. When asked about their near future plans, 27 percent of these career people said they would likely change employers within the next two years, while 37 percent said they would likely change jobs with their current employer in the same period. Thirty-four percent of the people said they keep their resumes up-to-date should they need to look for a new job. These data support the current fact of shorter duration of employment in workplaces today. The days of the long-term service personnel have virtually gone. Career moves from one employer to another within the same career are common occurrences. Career moves take a different turn when people take up employment in a field totally different from their current one. (That process of career change or career shift is the subject of Chapter 9.) Career moves may involve upgrading of skills. In our discussions in Chapter 1, Brad Robertson required some training to function well in his new position in the Operations Department. His previous experience in the Sales Department was an asset as he pursued this upgrading of skills. In fact, Brad might eventually function better in the Operations Department than someone in that department who has not moved around in the company. As we quote Brad’s example it is also important to note that career moves often require the ability to adapt to a new work environment and to learn new skills.

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Reasons for career moves People make career moves for many reasons including job satisfaction, good employer-employee relationships, prospects of advancement, opportunity to gain valuable experience, and learning on the job. As Bricker and Wright determined from the same Ipsos-Reid poll described above2, similar factors to the one mentioned above influence the career person’s decision to stay on at the present job or seek another position. In the poll, the workers were asked to state the top five reasons for staying at a job. Seventy-eight percent chose ‘liking the job’ among the top five reasons while 68 percent of those polled chose ‘liking their coworkers.’ Sixty-one percent chose ‘liking the company’ and 57 percent chose ‘learning a lot’. It is interesting that out of the top five reasons, less people (53 percent) chose ‘salary satisfaction’. People in today’s workplace culture are seeking more than remuneration to keep them on the job. They need some form of identity with the job in terms of their motives and core values. People in today’s work culture are seeking more than remuneration to keep them on the job. They need some form of identity with the job in terms of their motives and core values. Challenges Career moves pose a number of challenges even when there are better prospects attached to them. This is because human nature tends to keep us in our comfort zones and resist change. This is emphasized if the move requires relocation. Many factors of change need to be considered in career moves. The newness of the workplace environment may imply a new organizational culture. Relationships with a new boss, new colleagues, and subordinates require some emotional input. There may be new conditions of service (employer-employee rules) as well as new responsibilities. All these factors combined could make a career move a big task to accomplish. 155

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Holton III and Naquin in 20013 highlighted important principles for ensuring success when you change jobs. Adopting the right attitudes and adjusting your expectations to reflect those that are reasonable in the new workplace are key starting points when taking on a new position. Being ready to build effective working relationships with your boss, subordinates, and colleagues is equally important. Understanding the culture of your new workplace will ensure you are not stepping on toes while executing simple day-to-day tasks. Comprehending the responsibilities of your new role and being able to master the tasks of your job will go a long way in helping you achieve your goals. Mastering the tasks of the job calls for acquiring the knowledge and skills you need. This may require training in one form or another. This all means that being open to learning is essential. Career moves are a healthy part of our personal growth. The more we diversify within our careers, the more broadminded we become. New assignments in a well-known career field will actually broaden the experience of the individual. The ‘rule of returns’ is applicable in all areas of life, including career. The return rate of someone engaged in a given activity often decreases if there is no element of variety. We need some change in our regular activities from time to time to remain stimulated. WE HAVE BOTH BEEN THROUGH QUITE SOME CAREER MOVES! We (Dave and Tolu) have both had interesting career moves. These moves have had a large impact on us as individuals and on our families. Many of the moves involved relocation. This becomes a big change when it overlays family factors. The family aspects of our career moves are discussed in Chapter 14. In the present chapter, we discuss the career elements of such moves. We have focused on our passions—the elements of the job that brought us fulfillment—in each of the positions we have occupied. A diversified pharmacy portfolio As I (Tolu) mentioned in Chapter 2, while I was pursuing my Bachelor’s program in pharmacy I discovered that I had a passion for work that involved researching issues and critical thinking. This passion has been 156

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an attribute I have carried into my career life. I found it reflected in the way I pursued my job responsibilities. As I moved from one position to another in my career, I discovered another interlinked attribute that gave me a unique outlook on the way I pushed forward in my career engagements. This attribute is my steadfast desire to equip and empower the next generation of leaders in my field. My fulfillment in my career positions has been due to this combination of desires that I pursued in the execution of my duties. Much later in my career life, I went through some mid-life career exploration. (See Chapter 8.) During that time, I had occasion to look back at the previous positions I had held and take an inventory of the unique elements of each job. In doing this exercise, I realized I had developed one fundamental characteristic over the course of my career: paying attention to details. Thus, in addition to discussing how my desires were fulfilled in my career positions, I have included the attention-to-detail trait. Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.

-B.F. Skinner

Speaking of moves within a career, I have made quite a number of them within the pharmacy and biomedical fields and across a wide range of cultures and environments. (See more of these in Chapter 14, on moves across the country.) As undergraduates in pharmacy school, we were taught to be prepared to take on career positions in one of five areas: hospital, retail or wholesale pharmacy, academic (university professorship), industrial research and development, and the ‘PRO pharmacy’. The PRO pharmacist occupies any position that links the pharmacy profession with other professions such as medical practitioner. Interestingly, I held positions in most of the five areas and on three continents—Africa, Europe, and North America! I think my professors would be very pleased with the way I diversified my pharmacy portfolio. The Bachelor’s program prepared me for entry into all the distinct practice areas, but each area of practice required additional tools of the trade. 157

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Thus, the diversification of my original investment in various areas required further training and upgrading of my skills at various points. In hospital and retail pharmacy, I acquired some training on the job, while university lectureship and industrial research and development required me to go back to school to take advanced degrees. Hospital/Academic As I mentioned in Chapter 2, my first job position after I completed a Bachelor’s program was a combination of hospital internship and a Master’s degree. In this position, my flair for research was uppermost. I worked hard on both the experimental and the thesis-writing parts of the research and almost finished in the one-year period. I was just fresh out of a Bachelor’s program, so I was still accustomed to academic routines. This exposure equipped me with a ‘passport’ into the academic and research world. I moved on to a one-year position as a ‘serving pharmacist’ in a rural part of my country. This special year of national service was a requirement for all post-secondary education graduates in my country. The intention was to foster national unity by making graduates utilize their skills to serve the nation in a different part of the country from where they were raised. Retail pharmacy As also described in Chapter 2, after finishing the service year I had a unique opportunity to work with my dad in his pharmacy (drug mart) for a period of just over one year. Establishing good relationships with customers was a very important skill required for this position and so was attention to details. Pharmacy practice demands attention to minute details. This cannot be overemphasized, as human lives are involved. A slight change in the dose of a prescribed medicine can have catastrophic results. As a retail pharmacist, I had to know the doses, sizes, and presentations of a myriad of products and had to be ready to give advice on any one of them. At that time, pharmacy practice in developing countries was not computerized. Pharmacists had to rely heavily on their brains, along with big books of written documents. A product name may connote up to 20 different products. To be efficient and productive on the job, I needed to have knowledge about all of them. 158

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During my retail pharmacy experience with my dad, my desire to go back into academics was constant. Having obtained a Master’s degree, I applied for a teaching position at some of the universities offering pharmacy degrees. I got an appointment with one such university and was glad to be given the opportunity to pursue my interest in academics. University lectureship In my position as a university professor, my major job was teaching pharmacy undergraduates; the research element was in addition to this. My desire to develop people was uppermost in my mind. I had subconsciously developed this passion during my volunteer positions of leadership within my faith community. In such engagements, I had helped in training and equipping the next generation of leaders. My passion was to see people acquire what is necessary to help them succeed in what they need to do. While teaching these undergraduates, I hated to see someone struggling with the concepts of the course. My door was always open for students to come and get help in better understanding their subjects. It was such a joy to see students enlightened and clear about concepts and directions. I loved to see them being able to relate the theoretical ideas to actual practical implementations. I also found that my attention to detail was manifested in a different way in this role. I became the trainer ensuring that these would-be pharmacists paid the attention to detail that is woven into the ethics of the profession. I particularly enjoyed this opportunity to train the next generation of pharmacists. During my second year of university lectureship, I got married and my spouse and I gradually began to grow our family. (See more in Chapter 3.) At the end of my third year of teaching, I had resolved that the academic path was what I really wanted, so I began to research my options for Ph.D. study programs and sponsorships. During my fifth year, I received an award from a British organization toward a Ph.D. program in London, England. After five years of academic lectureship, I moved across the ocean in search of the Golden Fleece.

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People at the top of the tree are those without qualifications to detain them at the bottom-Sir Peter Ustinov Biomedical Research My career move to pursue a Ph.D. in England was on top of a lot of factors of change. Immigration to a foreign land was a huge change factor. So was the fact that I was separated from my family for a period of six months. I also experienced a shift in my job description from lectureship to research. The field of my Ph.D. studies was another change issue with this career pursuit. My research was not in core pharmacy but in a field of biomedicine—immunology. I had been interested in this field I had studied it on a general basis during my Bachelor’s program. I also had some experiences in my retail and academic practices which fueled my love for the subject. Immunology was and still is a fast-changing field with many new tricks-of-the-trade to learn and assimilate. Cutting-edge technology enables discoveries of scientific facts faster than ever before. I had to pace myself for rapid assimilation of new information. I put my heart in it and worked hard on the research. My flair for research and development was at its best during this four-year study period. My attention to detail was still in demand, although not as much as in pharmacy practice. I still needed my detail-loving brain to get reproducible results in my research. As in all my career positions, my faith in God was a factor of strength that helped me overcome many barriers in my path in this pursuit. This faith, coupled with my determination and hard work, enabled me to finish the program and earn a Ph.D. degree. Research in British Medical Labs After the completion of my Ph.D. program, I had unique opportunities to occupy two different post-doctoral research positions in the MRC (Medical Research Council) labs. My flair for research and development was well employed in these career moves. After my second MRC position, my family and I made the bold move of immigrating to Canada 160

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Industrial R&D in Canada Six months after we moved to Canada, I got a research and development position in a rapidly expanding biotech company in Victoria, British Columbia. In this industrial setting, I had an exceptional opportunity to follow through with my desire for both research and development. I was particularly intrigued because the research and development had a medical aspect to it. My projects involved developing vaccines for cancer immunotherapy. Initially I worked on melanoma vaccines. Much later I directed a prostate cancer development group. These positions brought out the best in me with regard to my love for research and development. I particularly enjoyed working on projects that aimed at providing solutions for the ailments of man. My career dream was being fulfilled. In between these two vaccine development projects, I also had a unique opportunity to work in a different division of the company that was involved in producing biochemical reagents used in research. There I managed and oversaw the production unit. It was in this position that I had to put on my ‘attention to detail’ hat again. This time I worked to acquire information on the technical specifications of the various versions of the many products we carried. My jobs in both divisions of the company also gave me distinctive opportunities to engage my passion for developing people. After five years of working in this biotech industry environment, I had a number of cataclysmic changes in my life which heralded a career change (See Chapters 8 and 9). SOME HAVE IT BIG, SOME HAVE IT SMALL (IMPACTING COMMUNITIES FOR CHRIST) The career life of a minister is filled with variety and unpredictability. The one thing I (Dave) found constant in my move from one church to another was my unwavering love of building the church to be part of the community. I have always been passionate about seeing the relevance of the gospel demonstrated within the community setting. The teaching of Jesus that His followers are the salt of the earth4 has been a driving force in my approach to the ministry. Salt is best if it is distributed into the food. A big rock of salt standing on its own is not effective; salt must be dispersed for its effectiveness to be felt. 161

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In my ministry life, my greatest desire has always been to build a church to become more relevant in the community. I love to see a church connected to its community and to make the gospel of Christ relevant to the community. The way I approached this task has varied from one pastorate to the other; however, I generally work on getting to know the people in the church on a one-on-one basis. This helps me to better understand them and to equip them with ways to improve themselves. I look at various ways in which I could equip them with life skills to help them restructure their lives. I believe that when they, as individuals, have progressed, the impact will be felt in their community. Thus, the gospel could become more relevant, and the Church could become more firmly part of the community. The whole step-by-step process takes time. That has been my approach because I believe the Christ life should be reflected in a person’s whole being. My upbringing in a family of business owners must have been an influential factor in this passion of mine. I enjoy seeing people come to know Christ and seeing the impact of the Christ life in all aspects of their lives. Life is not just about doing well and prospering financially. I want to see people do well and prosper financially, but also reflect the character of Christ in their lives. During the course of my career, I have had the opportunity to be the pastor in a number of churches, some of which had small congregations of about 100 people or less. Others had a bigger membership, 300 or more. I found that in my various pastorates, my desire to build the church as part of the community was manifested in various ways. To love another person is to help them love God -Søren Kierkegaard At the end of my training in the Bible College in Edmonton, I left invigorated and empowered for the work of the ministry. As I mentioned in Chapter 2, I accepted a position to be Pastor of a church in Carriacou, a small island in the Grenadines.

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Carriacou My appointment in this small community of Carriacou was an eyeopener to the core life of a minister. Many things I discovered on the job were not taught in Bible College. My basic education was enriched through experiential learning on-site. In the initial stage, my ministry of about four years was centered on outreach and open air meetings. Later on, I focused on the challenging project of building a church facility. I gradually got to know the people and understand their needs. My strong desire to equip people with life skills so they could become more independent took root in this pastorate. I helped a number of people establish homes and businesses. I enjoyed seeing them change and become self-sufficient. After four years of ministry at Carriacou, I accepted a position as Pastor of a church in the capital of Trinidad. Trinidad The major challenge of ministry in Trinidad was breaking ‘uncultivated ground’. When I assumed my duties, the previously established church body had been on the decline. Since there was no church building, one of the major projects I oversaw was securing a piece of land and constructing a physical facility for the church. The congregation was composed mainly of unskilled laborers with only a few professionals. Only a few were self-employed or business owners. In church meetings, I spent time equipping them with the word of God. Amongst other things, I taught about God’s plan for wholeness in every aspect of our lives. On weekdays, I helped them cultivate the business ownership culture. I believe this will help them progress and achieve a better financial status. I signed some secured or guaranteed bank loan papers on behalf of some people to help them get money to start their businesses. Thus, in Trinidad, as in my previous pastorate in Carriacou, I was really quite involved in helping people to find work and start businesses. In both these places, many people needed ‘a way out’. I was thrilled by the way God blessed the people and by the fact that I could help them improve their lives. During the fifth year of my pastorate, I discovered that everyone in the congregation was employed. This was an amazing fact, considering that the total unemployment rate in Trinidad at that time was 25 percent! 163

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Thus, the impact of the Christ-life permeated through the church to the community. The church grew from a size of 150 to about 500 while we were there. After about six years of ministry, my family and I immigrated to Canada. There I took up a pastoral position at a church in Leduc, which is south of Edmonton, in Alberta. Leduc When I started my pastorate in Leduc, the majority of the people were already self-employed and owned businesses. Many farmers and other types of business owners were in the congregation, so most of the people were independent. Since they were used to making decisions in their businesses, the people expected their opinions to be considered in decision-making around church issues. This made me change my role to a catalyst, a facilitator of processes. My ministry in this pastorate was focused on equipping the people with tools to help them more reflect the life of Christ while maintaining their character in their businesses. I believed this was very essential in order for them to be an influence for Christ in their community. In this pastorate of Leduc I also initiated a change in the philosophy of my ministry, from the Pastor carrying on the ministry to the Pastor equipping people to do the work of the ministry. (See more of this aspect in Chapter 9.) This helped my focus of building the church to become part of the community. After about four years in Leduc, I took a shortterm break and traveled to the West Indies before I assumed my next position in St. Albert, north-west of Edmonton, in Alberta. The church is the only society on earth that exists for the benefit of non-members -William Temple St. Albert St. Albert is a prosperous bedroom community of Edmonton, but the church of which I was Pastor did not at all reflect the community’s affluent status. When I assumed the pastorate, the church building was very old, and the prosperous people in the community found it difficult to connect with it. Thus, my initial efforts were directed toward increasing the visibility and profile of the church. This took some time 164

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and involved relocating the church to a nice multi-purpose building that was formerly a racquet club. We also moved the Christian school belonging to the church to this big facility. After meeting the physical building needs of the church, I shifted my focus to rebuilding the membership of the church. The church grew in size from about 25 to 125 members during my pastorate. Over time, I endeavored to get more of the congregation to serve in the community in different ways. (One of the members coached soccer and another coached hockey.) In this way, we gradually brought the church more in contact with the community. In St. Albert, I focused my efforts on connecting the church with the community through various visible measures, rather than developing one-on-one life skills. After six years in St. Albert, I took up a new position as minister to a church in Calgary. Calgary When I assumed the pastorate in Calgary, the population of the city was rapidly expanding. It was also a transient city with lots of inward and outward movement of people. At the beginning of my pastorate, the Calgary church had a congregation of about 175. Many of the members were well established in their vocations as professionals or business owners. Many of the members commuted to the church from surrounding communities. This was a reflection on the transient state of the city. People in Calgary were constantly relocating from one part of the city to another. In fact, during my five-year pastorate term, some members had lived in three different communities. In this setting it was a challenge to get people's undivided commitment to the community in which the church was located; the members were committed to the communities in which they lived. We had to devise new means of reaching out to the community, of becoming part of it. Of the various methods tried, the most effective one in helping us connect with the community was the SONCITY program conducted through a Bus Service. In this program we targeted children and reached out by providing bus services between the children’s homes and the church. The program became popular and we reached over one hundred children every week. In this way, I carried out my desire for influencing the community for Christ. 165

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After a five-year term in Calgary, I took a six-month break to complete a Bachelor’s program. I had been taking courses toward this degree by correspondence over the course of my St. Albert and Calgary pastorates. After the completion of the program, my next move was to New Westminster, British Columbia. What we have to learn to do, we learn by doing-Aristotle New Westminster My pastorate in New Westminster posed different challenges. The congregation was multi-racial due to the drastic changes in the demography of the Lower Mainland of British Columbia. At some point, the 150-member congregation was comprised of people born in 35 different countries! I became aware of changes in the society. Leading this multi-cultural congregation required new methods and strategies in order to reach them effectively. Average Canadians had to deal with the fact that the country was changing, and some of these changes were contrary to their values. My role in the church community and the surrounding community was two-pronged. On one hand it involved helping the various cultures assimilate with Canadian culture. On the other hand, I was involved in helping Canadians to be understanding of those of other cultures. This was not always easy. I had to help Canadians deal with their fears as they witnessed drastic changes in their own culture within their own community. This meant that the focus of my ministry in New Westminster was building the community within the church. To accomplish this task, we had to devise methods of breaking down barriers and enabling people to interact with one another. At one point in my term of office, we were able to connect with the outside community when the school nearby opened its doors to us. Some senior members of the church were able to go to the school and help the children with their school work. This resulted in a good reception for our ‘Kids’ Zone’ children’s program. During the seventh year of my pastorate in New Westminster, I felt the need to acquire a better understanding of the ministry in the context 166

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of the changes in our society. I wanted to learn more about crosscultural issues. After eight years at the ministry in New Westminster, I resigned and went back to university to pursue a Master’s degree. (See more in Chapter 8.)

Victoria During the course of my Master’s studies, I had considered a number of options in my career life going forward. (See Chapter 8.) In accordance with God’s direction, I assumed the pastorate of a church in Victoria, which is located on Vancouver Island, British Columbia. My desire to build the church to become part of the community had become a new challenge in a new setting. JESUS AS OUR MODEL Jesus has helped us rise above the stresses and challenges associated with career moves. He has also helped other people through the ages. When going through our moves, we have received strength from Him. We have also learned a lot as we recount His personal experiences of career moves. Jesus’ all-encompassing role is being the Savior of the world; however, this role was manifested in various forms as He ministered to people. The way in which His calling to be a Savior was demonstrated varied from teaching to healing to equipper to team-builder. Jesus showed His passion for His career in all the different roles he played. In fact, many people testified to the greatness of His leadership in the various roles. It was evident that as He carried out His duties, He did it with joy and put His whole self into it. A Great Teacher Jesus’ teaching talent was manifested right from the early age of twelve when He taught in the temple in Jerusalem. His mature audience was amazed at His intelligence and at the answers He gave to their questions.5 When he set out on his ministry, Jesus taught in the synagogues. He met the people in the traditional place of teaching and explained the law to 167

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them. He then moved around and taught the people in natural landscape settings. The people were amazed at His teachings and remarked that He taught them as one having authority and not as their scribes.6 Jesus could have stayed on teaching in synagogues and become another great Teacher, but to fulfill His mission He chose to go and meet the people in their various home settings. He chose a traveling ministry. Traveling Minister Jesus was constantly on the move, teaching many people in towns along the way. He hired his team of twelve gradually as He traveled from one area of Galilee to another at the beginning of His ministry. Jesus traveled to many cities: Capernaum, Chorazin, Cana, Bethsaida, Genasaret, Nazareth, Gadara, Nain, Sychar, Jericho, Bethany. In these places Jesus taught the people and took time to minister to their various needs. He delivered sermons in unusual places—on the mount, in the valley, practically anywhere He could gather a group of people. He often used plain symbols in nature that were familiar to the people to illustrate his teachings: lilies of the field, birds of the air. He varied His teaching methods and object lessons to fit the particular needs of the various audiences. Jesus drew crowds wherever He went—four to five thousand at a time. As He transformed life through His miracles and teachings, “His fame went to all the regions around.” A Great Healer Jesus performed many miracles during His traveling ministry. He made the blind see. He made the lame walk and cured lepers of their condition. He healed many conditions that people had been carrying for long periods of time—eighteen years to thirty-seven years to a whole lifetime. On many occasions He saw beyond the needs of individuals for physical healing. At such times, Jesus demonstrated that to be truly whole, both the spirit and the body needed a healing touch. Jesus was truly a great healer. Equipper and Team Builder Jesus chose a team of twelve men from unlikely backgrounds. (See more in Chapter 9.) Some were previously fishermen; another was a tax collector. These men had minimal qualifications for their new job of 168

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being Jesus’ assistants. In fact, many times their actions and speeches were very contrary to Jesus’ values. In his role as a team builder and equipper, Jesus took time to explain to these twelve new perspectives on life with regard to the kingdom of God. He not only taught them, but also demonstrated in various ways the practicality of the truths he had explained. As a great equipper, Jesus sent the disciples on a practice run as His assistants to villages around.8 After they came back from this practical internship, Jesus took time to debrief them, further empowering them in their new roles. As a wise team builder, Jesus put aside any actions that would bring disunity to the group. Instead, He reinforced actions that would unite these twelve to work together efficiently as a team. He emphasized to His disciples that a great leader must be a willing servant—a great truth that is still very relevant today. In his job He encountered difficult people. How did He deal with them (the Pharisees, for example)? These teachers of the law often questioned Jesus about His way of doing things. Jesus set them straight many times, explaining the law and the Scriptures with a refreshingly new perspective. It is noteworthy that during His career life and moves, Jesus took time to rest and refresh. At times He visited people and on other occasions He went off alone away from people. During those times of being away from people, Jesus took time to strengthen Himself in God and to commune with His Father in prayers. Overall, Jesus’ passion for His calling was demonstrated in all the job functions He performed. He understood his audience and the people to whom He ministered. He often varied His approach to meet their different needs. DEALING WITH CHALLENGES ASSOCIATED WITH CAREER MOVES: MAJOR LESSONS LEARNED In all the career moves we have made, we have learned some lessons that could be applied to those pursuing careers today: 1. To make the most of your career, you need to have a passion for what you are doing. If this seems difficult, try and bring something that reflects your passion into your job function. 169

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2. When moving from one workplace to another, you need to understand each organization’s culture and be able to adapt to the organization’s style of doing things. 3. Adopt an attitude of readiness to learn. Be open to learning new things. Many things will have to be learned on the job. Working and learning are integral parts of our job functions. 4. If further training will help you in your job function, do not hesitate to take it. Training could mean a correspondence course, an evening part-time course, or just a weekend conference. 5. Depending on your educational level when you started your employment, you may need to upgrade your skills by going back to school full-time in between your career moves. Enhanced educational qualifications are primary considerations for better career prospects as you consider moves. 6. Ability to transfer skill sets from one job to another is essential for mobility in your career. 7. Establishing good workplace relationships will go a long way in helping you achieve your career goals. Good relationships with your boss, colleagues, and subordinates are all important. 8. When you leave a workplace, do not ‘burn your bridges’. Allow for the possibility of connecting with your previous bosses and colleagues in the future. Old-time colleagues and relationships are always good networking points for career moves. 9. Seek God’s guidance in your moves. Ask for strength and courage for the in-between times and in the ‘stable’ period. He specializes in both. 10. Take time to rest and refresh between moves. This is especially necessary when the job has been unusually tasking for both you and your family. In more recent times in our career lives, we have had a chance to look back at the past. We have taken an inventory of our previous career positions and looked at new options for the way forward. This aspect of our career lives is the subject of the next chapter.

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CHAPTER 8 ______________________________

MID-LIFE CAREER EXPLORATION: FROM FULL-TIME WORK TO FULL-TIME SCHOOL An education is like a crumbling building that needs constant upkeep with repairs and additions -Louis Dudek

During the course of daily living, people become obsessed with the task of earning a living. We get busy with making ends meet and balancing the work and family aspects of our lives, and it tends to become a repetitious cycle. During mid-life, many people begin to question work and life in general. Do they really love what they are doing, or would they rather be doing something else? In Chapter 1 we met Sally, the mom in the Robertson’s family. After a spell of employment in the retail industry as a salesperson, Sally went back to school and took training to become a Microsoft Certified Engineer, something completely different from her former field. FACTS ABOUT MID-LIFE CAREER EXPLORATION Career exploration is an essential part of a lifelong process of adaptation, growth, and change. Blunstein1 affirms that the capacity to explore the environment and one’s internal psychological resources is an important adaptive response to an era of rapid social and economic changes. Career exploration requires acquiring self-knowledge and career knowledge in order to make plans and prepare for a career. For meaningful exploration, one has to be aware of one’s skills, abilities, and

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goals, as well as have information about the skill and education requirements and outlook of specific jobs. In this chapter we have focused on the retraining aspect of mid-life career exploration. In today’s society, many mature people go back to school to pursue various forms of education. The advances in educational and learning technology have made it easier for people to pursue their dreams on a more flexible basis. Why do people have to go back to school after being in employment for considerable lengths of time? Some people go back to school to upgrade their skills so as to get employment with better remuneration in their original career. Others go on this mid-life adventure for personal growth. Still others go back to school to re-train for a new career they would like to enter. This often happens in mid-life when people are more conscious of their desire to do what they really love. These people may require some training or upgrading of their skills in a new area. (This subject is discussed in more detail in Chapter 9, which deals with career change.) Challenges The challenges associated with going back to school on a full-time basis in mid-life are many. Even with the flexible ways of pursuing education in today’s society, the mid-life students face many changes in their return to schooling after a period of full-time employment. The challenges associated with taking on an education in mid-life often take place in a framework of family situations. This juncture in the life of many individuals often coincides with heavy family responsibilities. Full-time schooling often requires the individual to stop his or her main employment. This results in a loss of or a decrease in income earning status. This has a huge impact on the family and is the reason why many mid-life career people would rather take on further schooling on a parttime basis. Mid-life students also face a big change in focusing their attention. Schooling requires hard work and study. This is a challenge for someone who has not done this for a long time. There may be some anxiety about completing it successfully. Time management is a critical factor. There is 172

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also the fear of rejection by former associates and fear of the unknown factors in the whole process. As we discussed in the previous chapter, (Chapter 7) we (Dave and Tolu) have returned to school at different points in our careers. I (Dave) took courses towards a Bachelor’s degree during the course of my fourth and fifth pastorates. I completed the course during a six-month study break after my fifth pastorate. That was my first experience going back to school. My second such experience is the subject of this chapter. I (Tolu) have been back to school after my first university experience. My second program at the university was towards a Master’s degree and followed similarly after my first. The third time I attended university was after a period of five years of lecturing in the university setting. I had gone back to school to study for a Ph.D. degree (More on this in Chapter 15.) The subject of this chapter is my fourth attendance at a university program. It was an experience in mid-life career exploration.

Work is a constant audition, and you will need to prove and re-prove continually that you have the right skills for the job -Barbara Moses The experiences we share in this chapter occurred much later in our lives and offer the best illustration of some salient principles of mid-life career exploration. They best describe how to stay sane while dealing with challenges associated with going back to school after a long spell of full-time employment.

OUR EXPERIENCES Going back to school for retraining to update skills After devoting myself to ministry for a period of over thirty years, I (Dave) went back to university to pursue a Master’s degree. Prior to heading back to school, I had resigned from my eight-year pastoral 173

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position in New Westminster in the suburbs of Vancouver, British Columbia. I decided to take a full-time break from ministerial appointments, a huge step forward in a different direction. In the New Westminster pastoral position, I had encountered the experience of working with different ethnic groups within the setting of the church. (See Chapter 7.) This had created in me a desire to further my understanding of cross-cultural issues. I perceived the graduate program as one means of doing this. Thus, my decision to go back to school was based on one major reason: to upgrade my skills for the work of the ministry. This huge change involved not only me but also my spouse. (By that time, all our children had married and moved away from home.) The first major aspect of the change was the financial implications. One of the principal fears I had to deal with in the change was loss of my earning status. Taking the course on a full-time basis meant that my salary would be less or non-existent for a period of two years. This was coupled with the added burden of huge tuition fees and financial output for books and course materials. With my wife’s support, I decided to make the bold move, and devoted my full attention to the course of study at the university seminary on the mainland of British Columbia. The campus was close by, so I commuted from my New Westminster residence. One of the first major challenges I encountered upon resuming classes was psychological—the perception of self worth or respect. I was attending classes with much younger people, some of whom were not even born when I took up my first pastorate. I seized this as an opportunity to interact with these energetic young people. I saw it as a way of understanding the younger generation who I normally meet in the course of my ministry. As I continued in the first session of my studies, I began to feel the impact of the loss of my position of leadership and authority in a church setting. Not only did I feel this loss, but I also had to adjust to being a student under the authority of university professors. I felt the impact of this change even more when I attended ministerial meetings in the lower mainland. When in such meetings with these colleagues, I felt a bit out of place. I was a pastor and, thus, felt ‘incomplete’ because I did not have a 174

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church. The experience meant I had to face psychological adjustment to a new type of relationship with my colleagues. For the Master’s program, I took courses in Cross-cultural ministries, Leadership and Theology. At one point I was taking six, three-unit courses—a heavy load and a huge change, considering I had not been in school for eight years. Also, these graduate level courses required much more focus than did my previous Bachelor courses. Some of the courses required a lot of reading and compilation of data from different sources. Time management was another critical issue in my change to fulltime studentship. As a full-time pastor, I often could not control my work schedule. There were always emergencies to handle—it comes with the calling. There could be someone to visit in the hospital or someone that needed the pastor’s immediate attention at home. There could be a conflict within the congregation that needed attention. The list goes on and on. In contrast, as a student I became the full master of what I did. I had to recognize that how I spent my time had fully become my responsibility. I carried heavy course loads across a wide range of subject areas, and had to change my frame of mind when switching from one course to the other. It took some discipline to adjust to such a study load. I had to devise effective time management techniques to make sure I got through successfully. I disciplined myself by scheduling specific times for study. I took breaks from study periods and cooked supper on most days. I also set midnight as a fixed time for going to bed. That is how, with full determination, resolve, and hard work, I pushed through the program, course by course, and graduated two years later. The training turned out to be very useful for my ministry and indeed my whole life. It helped me to better understand modern day philosophies. It also gave me a good opportunity to interact with the younger generation on an intellectual level. I was better able to understand their thought processes and appreciate their general attitudes to life. This is a great benefit, considering I have to interact with this younger generation in my work life and elsewhere. My seminary education also afforded me the opportunity to interact with people of different cultures. I had to work in small group settings with Brazilians, Chinese, Koreans, and people of other nations of the world. At times, I had class projects with them. This exposure helped me 175

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to better understand the world view of these internationals and appreciate how they viewed things. From the ministerial perspective, the training helped me in my homiletics. I seized on the importance of stating one’s thesis in a message and proving that thesis in the course of the sermon. The period of my seminary training also served as a great refresher; the total experience was uplifting and enlightening. Being temporarily removed from pastoral ministry, I had occasion to rethink my career life during my studies. I became very aware of the significant pressures and stresses of full-time pastoral ministry. It caused me to consider a career shift. I thought about working in the area of preparing people for the ministry; i.e., teaching in a Bible college or seminary, but as I mentioned in Chapter 7, my next move was to a new pastorate in Victoria, British Columbia. Retraining for a new career I (Tolu) went back to school after over two decades of a fulfilling career in various aspects of biomedicine. (See Chapter 7.) The decision to go back to school at that phase of my life was a mid-life career exploration experience. In truth, my decision was related to an inner urge, an inner desire to change careers to a totally different field. In this respect, my decision to move from work back to school was different from Dave’s. Like Dave, my move from work back to school consisted of taking the same program of study toward a Master’s degree from the same seminary of a university on the mainland of British Columbia. Having had a successful career in biomedicine and loving my career, it was obvious that this decision had a serious origin. A team of wild horses could not have dragged me back to school, especially when it came to pursuing a field of study different from my background career. There are much stronger forces, however, and those divine forces paved the way to this decision. In the months before I made the decision to go to a seminary, I had been through two major life changing events. First, I had lost my job through company reorganization. More than two years prior to this, I had been experiencing quite a lot of turmoil in my life and the job loss was the culmination of a long series of events. 176

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At the time I lost my job, I had taken it for granted that I would move to another position in biomedicine. I focused on doing an intensive job search and listed with several biotech search agencies. Having been in biomedicine for over two decades with no gaps in employment, I had a good resume. I had very promising ‘almost’ offers, but my job search attempts were somehow being circumvented, sometimes in the last stages of the recruiting process. At that time, I was the breadwinner for my family. My spouse had been without income-earning employment for a long period and had only recently found work. It was up to me to get new employment to keep the family finances going. My two older children were approaching high school graduation and were looking forward to attending university. I was at that point of mid-life when a family most needs a big income. It was during this period of job searches and interviews that I began to sense an inner urge, a strong desire, and a compelling impulse to go into full-time gospel ministry. Now, I need to explain that I have always been in the ministry as a ‘tent-maker’. It was a family thing. I would go to my secular job on weekdays and on weekends I would put on my ‘ministry hat’ and offer my voluntary services in many aspects of equipping leaders of the next generation. This was the predominant pattern during my career days in Nigeria, England and Canada. The ministry was very much in my area of comfort, but the ministry as a sole career was something totally new to me. Thus, this compelling force I experienced was surprising but pleasant. I was in this state of contemplation when I had my second major life-changing event. My dad, who was living back home, passed away. This was a huge blow on top of my existing major loss. Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are -Arthur Golden Just as Sally Robertson in Chapter 1 did when she faced complex superimposed changes in her life, I took time off for introspection. I went through an inner search and tried hard to find answers. During 177

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those moments, I paused to mourn. I tried to celebrate my dad’s life by remembering the good events in it. I sought God’s guidance. My dad had been a pharmacist who rose to the top of his profession in the government. He had then retired and set up his own pharmacy (drug mart) which he grew into three branches. He was very successful in his career and had wanted the same for his children. Somehow, after over 30 years' experience in the pharmacy field, my dad had taken a huge, bold step. He sold his pharmacies and went back to school to attend a seminary, and trained to become a minister. This was a huge change for him. Six out of his eight children had already left home, gotten married and settled into their careers. When he went into this venture, he put his mind to it, graduated, and pioneered a new church. He gradually grew the church from a home base into a new building and was very content with his new career. Unfortunately, he had been sick for some time. As I mourned my dad’s death, I recognized that the events of the past year had led me onto a special path. That special path was to follow my inner urge and go into full-time ministry. As I sought God’s guidance, I saw His prompting to go and get some training in the seminary toward this new goal. This was the outcome of my mid-life career exploration of full-time work versus full-time school. At the beginning of my seminary study, I had to face complex factors of change. Unlike Dave, my decision was not voluntary but resulted from an imposed change. The first major factor was financial. Just like Dave, I had lost my income-earning status. University attendance came with its full load of tuition fees and money for books and upkeep—a huge financial commitment. I realized how important this step was for me. I knew it was extremely worthwhile to use my savings resources to accomplish the new dream. The loss of my income had a great impact on my family. How would we cope financially as a family? How would we rise above the challenges of the change and stay sane? I looked back and remembered how He had provided for me and my family across the continents. I have always loved the Bible passages that talk about how God's mighty hand led the Israelites from Egypt to the promised land2, so I decided to write my own story entitled “With a Mighty Hand”, recounting God’s mighty providence for us in years past. Yes, God has always worked with a mighty hand to provide for us. 178

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I always remember the unique testimony of how I got my first postdoctoral position in England. It was the first real job I had in a ‘foreign land’, as prior to that I was on a scholarship. After my oral examination on my doctoral thesis, I had asked my examiner whether he had a position in his research lab I could fill. (I waited until he had confirmed that I had passed my oral defense before plunging into this unusual line of questioning). My examiner told me all the positions were filled and he would not be hiring in the near future. Taking an inventory of the previous transitions in our lives will give us courage that the challenge of a new change is also surmountable The following morning he called me in to tell me about a new position, a collaborative one with an outside firm, that had been phoned in to him later on the day of my oral exam. That is how I was invited to come into his laboratory and got hired. My ‘with a mighty hand’ list came up with many other examples of God’s faithfulness in the past. So, when this calling for a new field came up, I remembered that trusting God meant resting on His ability to fix any situation. In one of my struggles with a tentative job offer during the transition between my old and new fields, God showed me a similar lesson to the above; that is, if He wanted me in a biomedical field job and none existed, He would create a brand new one to fit my background and experience. And since He knew that my new career description was finding a cure for the souls of men, He would close all doors that led to biomedical research and open wide the doors of opportunity to minister to human needs. And that very first door involved updating and refining my training in a seminary! This process was very liberating as I realized that I was not alone in this huge change. I came to recognize God in those moments of my need. I decided to trust Him as I had in times past, believing nothing was too difficult for Him. My spouse’s job became steadier, we made huge changes in our lifestyle, and I accepted the limitations of the present. (See Chapter 9.) 179

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The second major factor of change was dealing with the psychological barrier of becoming a student again. Like Dave, I feared losing my self worth and respect by attending classes with much younger folk. What was I getting myself into? About 20 years earlier, I had assumed the position of an assistant professor, teaching undergraduate students. There I was the professor, training would-be pharmacists in the fundamentals of the trade. In this new training situation the roles would be reversed. Fortunately, the release and liberation I felt as I took one course after another removed this barrier. I felt even more settled when I discovered that some of my classmates—pastors with long, established ministry records—were older than I. At one point, I felt like a linchpin between the two generations, and being open to this role even further enriched my experience. The factor of change in time management in my student days was resolved in a way different from Dave’s experience. Prior to my seminary attendance, I had been employed in a fast-paced industry. Unlike Dave, I was used to having reasonable control over my time. In fact, project management was one of the key components of my job responsibilities. I had to commute a long way to get to the university (I attended a seminary on the mainland while my residence was in Victoria, an island off Vancouver), so I took the majority of my courses in modules. I went to the university campus for a full week of 20 hours of lectures for each course. Then I headed back home to do the assignments, which I sent in by mail. Some of the course work was conducted through online interactions. This commuting to study had a huge impact on my family life. Coupled with this commuting life were the demands of a growing family, since all my children were still at home at the time. Thus, time management for me involved juggling family duties, commuting, and study. Another challenge I had to conquer was the fact that all my previous education had been in the sciences with figures and data. At the seminary, I had to switch my brain mode to studying subjects in the arts: theology, leadership, biblical studies, pastoral studies, and counseling. What really helped me was my long-term experience in part-time ministry. The background knowledge I had acquired during my 180

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concurrent voluntary roles in the ministry during my previous career helped me greatly in excelling in my studies. Coupled with this change in field was the loss of camaraderie from people in my previous career field. As Dave mentioned above, he encountered some feelings of incompleteness whenever he went to ministerial meetings during his studentship days. My experience was of a different magnitude. Since I had switched fields, I did not go to meetings with colleagues in my previous career anymore. I did not attend any more conferences on immunotherapy of cancer in places like Copper Mountain, Colorado. I was in a totally new field and had to recognize this, accept it, and move forward with it. Even though I was completely determined to switch careers and was happy with the liberation I was gaining (see below), I still had moments, especially in the middle of the transition, when I had to deal with ‘ghosts of the past’. I would experience doubt, even though I had accepted the change and was moving forward with courage. For a desired effect to be obtained, change has to be maintained in the same direction for a long time In my case, ghosts of the past came in the form of calls from executive search agents. Even though I had removed my name from their databases, these human resources professionals called from time to time during my seminary studentship days. They kept asking whether they could interest me in some prestigious dream positions in a fantastic pharmaceutical or biotech company. I came up with a brief response indicating that I did not do biotech or pharmacy anymore, and that I was no longer seeking employment in that field. At times, well meaning friends asked me probing questions such as, “So, how are you adjusting to not running in the fast lane of biotech?” At one stage, I took time to ask myself similar questions: What is the most difficult thing about not working in the biotech field anymore? What do I miss about my old job? This was carrying out Step four in our tips for dealing with change, as discussed in Chapter 1.

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I listed my fears, the things I missed, and analyzed my expectations. Honest answers to the questions have helped me accept the change and move forward in the new direction with even more vigor. It was only after doing away with these ghosts that I was fully able to embrace the new camaraderie of the new career. I could then look forward to attending conferences on subjects like strategic planning and vision for the ministry. (See more in Chapter 9.) On the whole, I was able to maintain my sanity as I rose above the challenges of the transition. As discussed in the tips in Chapter 1, I had paused, mourned, and acknowledged the past. Also, as I mentioned above in discussing finances, I had remembered past events in my life. I was able to celebrate change by recounting God’s faithfulness to me, not just in terms of finances, but in all other areas of my life. The source of my wholeness and sanity has been my complete trust in God, a trust implying that God knew what He was doing when, through all the events around me, He pointed me in the direction of this change. My trust in God is based solely on my past experiences with Him. I knew and know even now that He can do it over and over again. As I put my trust in God, I strove hard to maintain my physical and mental well being. With God nothing shall be impossible

-Luke 1:37

My seminary training turned out to be a great experience. Many of the things accomplished in my life through the training are priceless. It was during this training period that I gradually became liberated and empowered for the work of the ministry. I gradually saw more light on the path my future was to take. A number of events that occurred during my training pointed me in the particular direction God desired for me. While in the seminary, I carried out a number of church-based ministry projects in association with my home church. Those experiences have turned out to be life imparting, and door openers to the path God desired me to take. I always have joy whenever I reflect on my seminary attendance. God has used it to accomplish many valuable and tangible things in my life. 182

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Indeed, attending seminary was the first step in my liberation to enable me to take hold of my destiny. JESUS AS OUR MODEL As we mentioned in recounting our experiences, we received strength to rise above the challenges of our mid-life career exploration by leaning on Jesus. It was through His help that we were able to adjust to the changes in our lives and successfully take on the challenge of mid-life schooling. We also learned a lot from looking at Jesus’ life as an example. We considered what Jesus did when He faced situations similar to those we faced during our schooling. Our search for meaning is more meaningful when we make it in God. He has the key to all unknown. 1. When it came to learning new skills, Jesus did not shy away. He was willing to become a beginner. He learned carpentry, the tools of the trade of His earthly father, Joseph. 2. Yes, Jesus and his disciples faced the situation of leaving a lifetime of income-earning for a life of uncertainty. It involved a huge leap of faith. The disciples had to trust that their needs would be met while working with this new manager, Jesus. 3. Jesus kept His goals before Him at all times. He knew what His mission was. Nothing whatsoever could separate him from His mission. Jesus said, “I know where I am going.”3 4. Jesus knew what it meant to lose the glory of being the Son of God to become man. He knew what it meant to have a sense of loss of self-worth and respect. He also knew this was all for a purpose. He had to do this to be able to reach out to man. 5. When at a crossroad, Jesus asked God to strengthen Him. Jesus went to pray many times. He consulted with God when He had struggles and challenges in His walk. Just before He was arrested, He had struggles about the events surrounding His death on the cross. He went into the garden and wrestled in prayer.4 183

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6. Jesus was willing to try out new things. He was flexible in His approach to ministering. He was not attached to just one method. He could use any means and any instrument to carry out His purpose. DEALING WITH CHALLENGES ASSOCIATED WITH GOING BACK TO SCHOOL 1. Have long-range goals. Decide on what you would like to achieve through the education. Keep these goals before you at all times. Do not give in to distractions. 2. Make a list of your resources. Check what you need to make your goals achievable. Work towards having those resources in place. 3. It might take time to adjust to full-time study. Break the process into achievable steps for each time period. This will make the whole process less overwhelming. 4. Develop good time management skills. Know what works for you and develop your schedule around it. 5. Treat the experience as a worthwhile adventure. Know it will not last forever. 6. Maintain faith in yourself by looking at your past results and accomplishments. 7. Ask God for strength; you will need lots of it. 8. Maintain your physical and mental well being. You need these to focus well on your studies. 9. Use support groups of classmates who are working towards the same goal. Try and hold each other accountable. 10. Do not be afraid to ask for the help of friends and family who could ease your busy schedule.

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ADDITIONAL WORDS OF WISDOM On maintaining change in the same direction for a long time to achieve a desired effect: Jesus said to him, "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God." -Luke 9:62 Trusting God Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. -Psalms 37: 4, 5 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. -Philippians 4:13 Wisdom for decision-making If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. -James 1:5

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CHAPTER 9 ______________________________

CAREER CHANGE: THE CARPENTER BECAME A FISHER OF PEOPLE Nothing limits achievement like small thinking; nothing expands possibilities like unleashed imagination. - William Arthur Ward

THE CARPENTER BECAME A FISHER OF PEOPLE In its “Jesus Epic” mini-series1 CBC television portrayed the life of Jesus as the author’s reflection of what it would have been had He come to the world in the twenty-first century. Inasmuch as it was difficult to perceive Jesus acting as portrayed in some of the episodes, one scene was particularly down-to-earth. Jesus, who until very recently had been known and seen as a carpenter, had commandeered a team of 12, a few of whom were fishermen. These experienced fishermen didn’t have much to show for their night’s hard work. And here comes the master, Jesus Christ (a carpenter!), telling them how to catch fish. One of the disciples hollered back, “You, a carpenter, how do you know the rules of fishing?” Reflecting on this brings to mind that in his human form, Jesus went through a unique career change. Carpentry and fishing are not very similar professions! In the previous chapter, we discussed aspects of our mid-life career exploration in terms of our experiences leaving work and going back to school. I (Dave) went back to university to upgrade my ministry skills. On the other hand I (Tolu) undertook retraining in a totally different field from that of my previous career, a process of career change.

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In the twenty-first century, a significant proportion of the workforce makes career changes. These people occupy prominent places in the economy. This trend is on the increase as baby boomers are approaching retirement age. (See more in Chapter 11.) FACTS ABOUT CAREER CHANGES I (Tolu) have learned the value of pursuing education in a number of ways. I have come to appreciate the fact that even though education is very important, it is meant to be a stepping stone, an eye-opener to the real world. What matters most is not so much what one’s original field of study is, but what one makes of it. To achieve the best value out of one’s education, one must be able to adapt to a fast and constantly changing workplace. The real success of the twenty-first century career person is the ability to transfer skills from one job function or career to another. These skills are not acquired just through paid jobs. Volunteering is a well accepted norm in today’s workplace. The twenty-first century ‘nontypical career person’ acquires an amazing number of skills through voluntary services in the community, i.e., leadership positions in nonprofit organizations and ‘parenting’ activities such as serving on school PTAS/PACS and organizing children’s sports events. Analyzing what you haven't got as well as what you have is a necessary ingredient of a career-Orison Sweet Marden Career changes often involve retraining, as discussed in Chapter 8. Career changes at times involve lifestyle changes, especially when the new career is drastically different from the old one. At times, career changes are forced upon people by prevailing circumstances such as termination of employment or family moves. On the other hand, many people voluntarily opt to change their careers.

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Why do people change their careers? In a recent unpublished local survey conducted by Tolu, a small group of women were asked to quote reasons for the career changes they have made in the past. The answers included motherhood, relocation, loss of a close family member to divorce or death, breakdown in family relationships, and too much stress at work. It was interesting that 35 percent of the women changed careers just because they wanted something new. Career changes are imposed on some people due to lack of demand for their job functions. A company was using the services of a drafting technician to make drawings for its engineering field reports. A new technology arrived on the market that allowed the engineer to multi-task and automate the drawings alongside the reports. The services of the drafting technician were no longer needed. In another case, a woman worked for many years as the operator of an automatic hospital machine that analyses human cells. She got married and moved with her new husband to a smaller town whose hospitals had less sophisticated equipment. Her type of job did not exist in the new location. What was she to do? Other people have changed their careers because of a desire for higher remuneration. They might have reached the top of the pay scale for their positions, and would remain at the same pay level regardless of how much extra work they did. Or maybe the pay was not high enough to meet their personal or family needs. Another major reason why people change careers is a desire for greater fulfillment in life. This trend is typical of people who voluntarily change their careers in mid-life. These people tend to be seeking more purpose in their lives. Many people who have changed their careers to something they really wanted to do have become more fulfilled than ever before. It is noteworthy that our search for purpose in life can become more meaningful when we put our lives back in the hands of our Father and enter into a personal relationship with Him by making Him Lord of our lives. (More on this in Chapter 10.) Other people are finding it very hard to cope with the demands of their present occupation. A nurse or other professional who operates on an ever-changing shift basis and has a family of young children, often finds it stressful when they are not able to spend evening time with the children. 189

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As shown in Tolu’s local survey, career changes are often interwoven with other changes in the lives of individuals. Some of these changes are centered around relationships with family (see Chapters 3–6) or with God (see Chapter 10). Career changes may also involve relocation (see Chapter 14). Our discussion in this chapter revolves around the career aspects of the change. Challenges associated with career changes What happens when a medical doctor changes careers and becomes a full-time politician and runs the XYZ political party? What happens when people choose to move from one career to another? Perhaps even more challenging, what happens when people are forced to change careers because of circumstances beyond their control? These circumstances are often interlinked with family issues. This becomes more intensified in the case of dual-career couples, a prevalent option in today’s society. A couple moved to a small town where the husband had a top position in a unique organization. He had been underemployed for some time at his previous entry-level position. The wife, a university professor of Quantum Physics, agreed to the move, hoping to find a job in her career field, or at least something similar. Unfortunately, she discovered that the highest educational institution in the new town was a junior high school. What was she to do? Such situations could lead to real tensions in the couple’s relationship. The woman questions the fairness of her having to give up her job. “Why does he not give up his job?” This is becoming more of a problem in these twenty-first century days of dual-career couples. It is an especially difficult problem when the wife has a better paying job than the husband. If such couples have children in school, they are faced with deciding who will stay home with the children. An increasing number of Dads are taking on the role of house-husbands or stay-at-home dads. The dualcareer family’s dilemma is a major challenge for those pursuing careers today. The career changer faces numerous challenges, whether imposed or voluntary. A termination of employment may invoke fears based on insecurity due to financial loss. Feelings of inadequacy, fear of the unknown, fear of failure or fear of rejection by new associates may also 190

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surface. Becoming ‘the new kid on the block’ can greatly increase one’s anxieties. The career changer experiences loss of camaraderie from the previous career or job and the security of those special relationships. Many socioeconomic challenges are associated with career change. There is a definite impact on the family of the career changer. The challenge of adjusting to a new lifestyle prevails for people who undergo a drastic change in their career lives. CAREER CHANGE FROM BIOMEDICINE TO GOSPEL MINISTRY Summary of events leading to career change In the previous Chapter 8, I (Tolu) discussed the major events that led to my career change from biomedicine to the ministry. In the space of few months, I lost my job and learned of my father’s death. As explained in that chapter, my career change involved retraining. I went back to university to take courses in the seminary to prepare me for the new career I had been directed to enter. In this chapter, the discussion of my career change experience revolves around my settling into and working in the new career field. Settling into the new career Redefining my mission One major factor was clarifying my new mission in life. I had chosen Jesus as my role model in this particular situation. While He was here on earth, Jesus always had His mission set before him. His mission was to seek out and save sinners. (See below.) He did not allow events or circumstances to deter Him from following through with this mission. I saw my calling as an act of destiny. This was evident in the circumstances surrounding the switch and that have continued ever since. While going through seminary training, I experienced a lot of liberation and empowerment to do this new job. I found that the more I engaged in it, the more I experienced true joy in my spirit. This new field was something I was designed to do. It was my life’s purpose. My new mission was to face this squarely and give my 191

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whole attention to it. I would not let any ghosts of the past or of ‘what would have been’ blur my vision. One of the first steps I took in the process of redefining my life’s mission was to write a career change resume. It was quite an interesting experience. I remembered that when I had rewritten my resume after my first two post-doctoral positions, I had experience in an unusual mix of fields. One of the first positions I applied for in Canada was at a biomedical research institute. The head person had told me then that although I was well qualified for the position, my published papers were in areas that were “all over the place”. This was several years before my career switch. After that, I had two different exciting positions in a biotech company. With the career change, I was faced with a new challenge. How would I develop a resume for gospel ministry when I had earned my living in the pharmacy and biomedical fields the majority of my career life? Goals help to crystallize your thinking. Develop plans and deadlines; develop sincere desire to achieve; develop confidence and determination -Floyd Keith In my quest, I discovered some useful resources for the career changer today (see Appendix). I found Watters and O’Conner’s very useful book entitled It is Your Move.2 These authors approach the subject in an all-encompassing way that brings out one’s life quest. I went through my life history and listed all my income earning and voluntary positions. I was amazed at the experience and skills I had acquired through my long-term commitment and contribution to various faithbased organizations (on three continents!) I also listed all the significant and life-changing events in my life— job-related or otherwise. To put my new calling in perspective, I then wrote a new career objective, a clear statement of what I could use my unique combination of expertise, experience and training for in my new calling. It was quite an eye-opening experience. It helped me re-define my mission in my new calling and gave me a big-picture approach to handling day-to-day events. 192

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A new sense of identity Having redefined my mission, the next step I took was to go back to God. Yes, this new mission was all His idea in the first place, so I did need Him to pursue my goals in it. I asked Him for strength for each day’s journey in the new field. I remembered a short poem entitled “Jesus is the master of all trades”. It had been a source of encouragement in my previous career because I identified Jesus as my helper in that profession. Jesus Is the Master Of All Trades To the pharmacist, He is the All-in-One Apothecary To the doctor, He is the Great Physician, To the lawyer, He is the Great Advocate To the Teacher, He is the Great Teacher… To celebrate this change, I wanted to bring this significant signpost of the past into my present situation, but I realized I did not know the end of the quotation “To the minister…” Who is Jesus to the individual whose sole career is to minister the gospel of Jesus Christ to others? He is the Empowerer, the Equipper. Realizing who Jesus was to me in this new calling became quite empowering. It continues to give me day-to-day reassurance that with Jesus Christ I can succeed in this new calling. This, along with other factors mentioned above, has helped me settle well into my new career. I am glad I proceeded with the switch despite all the challenges I encountered. Working in the new career Embracing new camaraderie Embracing my new colleagues posed some challenges. What did I have in common with well-established ministry professionals? I found that our common goal is equipping people to see light through the light of God. 193

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Furthermore, we have the same Equipper and Empowerer, the common force who helps us to achieve our goals. The acknowledgement of that common binding force in God is a great tool that has helped me persevere. I have also asked honest questions about the differences between us. I cannot be blind to the fact that our perspectives on things like methods and approaches are often disparate; however, in light of our common binding force (which is stronger than any differences), I have embraced my new colleagues. I have taken on a new ‘linchpin’ kind of challenge. I have also broadened my vision of how I could use the gifts and skill sets from my previous career to minister to my colleagues. That has helped me to embrace my colleagues in a new way. Reinforcement is the key to securing change as a new behavior

Adjusting to new cultural perspectives of the ministry As in my earlier career moves, my career change from biomedical to gospel ministry involved a colossal amount of cultural background. Although I had established a personal relationship with God at the age of twelve and was actively involved in ministering the gospel of Christ to people throughout my education and career, a significant amount of this had been done in Nigeria and England. My career life in Canada had been on the fast track because my employment in a rapidly growing biotech company had demanded more total input than had my previous positions in academics and government. I also had to contend with the increased demands of a growing family. When I switched fields, I had some catching up to do on two major fronts: the ministry in the North American context and the ministry as a sole career. My seminary training here in Canada, along with a vast amount of voluntary work in the ministry of my local church, has gone a long way to help bridge the cultural gap and further enrich my previous ministry experience. Combining these two perspectives has given me a broader outlook on my new career and on the ministry across various cultures. 194

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Adjusting to a new remuneration structure In terms of remuneration, my career change involved moving from a secure and well paying position to a position of uncertainty or of having to depend on people’s generosity. Industrial research and development is a huge field with high remuneration and momentous prospects. On the other hand, a career fully engaged in ministering the gospel of Jesus Christ has relatively poor compensation prospects. This factor of change was overlaid on my dual-career family struggles discussed earlier on in this chapter. When I changed fields, I was the higher income-earning partner. For many years prior to that, I was the sole bread-winner. Over the course of my seminary attendance (see Chapter 8), as I received liberation and empowerment, the other complex factors in my life-changing career move were removed or became less important. The transition from a significant pay packet to none at all became a source of spiritual reawakening for me. The change had a huge effect on my family. We went through lifestyle adjustments in many areas and altered the family budget to include only the essentials. In the unique way of God’s providence, my partner’s job situation became more stable than it had been previously. Adjusting to new core values There is a vast difference between industrial research and development and gospel ministry. The pace of these two careers is one of the most significant differences. Switching from fast lane, highly competitive research and development to a slower paced, albeit high stress, low competition life in the ministry requires many adjustments. My former industry called for productivity at whatever cost. My new career called for relationship, no matter how long it took. Over time, I have learned to celebrate this aspect of change in my life by bringing signposts from my previous career into the new one. I have an open mind on how to transfer the skill sets of my previous career into the new one. This requires some creativity, but with the help of God, my equipper, I am enjoying it. Re-strategizing: new work terms In Chapter 7, I described my flair for attention to details in my career in biomedicine. In this new area, there are no intricately woven pieces of 195

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measurable information demanding attention. Instead, the focus is on fishing for people, developing people to be leaders, and ministering to human needs in a social setting. My new career is based on improving relationships rather than combing data and documents for details. I have shifted my focus from scrutinizing documents to attending to the needs of people. What a change! Renewing: daily strength for the journey I have maintained a positive attitude by going back to God each day to ask for strength for the journey (see more in Chapter 4). He has been faithful by continually providing the enabling factors that I need.

CAREER REPOSITIONING – A CHANGE IN THE PHILOSOPHY OF MINISTRY IN A NEW CHURCH SETTING A career-related change I (Dave) have been in the pastoral ministry for over three decades. (My moves within this career as a minister were discussed in Chapter 7.) Unlike Tolu, I have not experienced a dramatic career change, but have experienced a career-related change that involved reinventing the way I minister—a drastic change in my philosophy of ministry. I had the privilege of effecting this change in a new church setting. This aspect made the implementation of this change in ministry operations more complex and memorable. I was new to the church as the Senior Pastor. This philosophy of ministry was new to me and to the church members. A number of changes were superimposed on one another. Dealing with these sets of changes gave me some perspectives on the issue of reinventing one’s career. The church setting was in Leduc, which is on the outskirts of Edmonton, Canada. My family and I had just relocated from Trinidad, where I had been Pastor of another church. I actually had the perception of this new philosophy of ministry while still in Trinidad. At that time, the political situation in Trinidad was unstable and the communists had attempted to overthrow the duly elected government. 196

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This made me realize that believers in every congregation should be properly equipped to minister in the event that the church leadership was removed, but circumstances at the time did not permit me to develop and implement this philosophy. My vision of reinventing my method of ministry would have to wait until my next pastorate in Leduc. When I assumed the position at Leduc, the congregation numbered around 175. The church was very traditional and many of the members were of German ancestry. Many members of the congregation were interrelated, which was reflected in the composition of the church board. Initially, our focus was on the construction of a church facility and the establishment of a Christian school. Later on, with steady growth of the congregation, we focused on community outreach. At that point, I felt the time was ripe to move the church from a traditional pulpit-oriented ministry to a church where the congregation performed the ministry of the church.

Goals of the change My philosophy of ministry was firmly committed to the idea of the priesthood of all believers. I believe that the work of the church should be carried out by the believers, not just the pastoral staff. This concept had been affirmed by a seminar I had previously attended. I set about to introduce the change to the body of the ministry. Every calling is great when greatly pursued-Oliver Wendell Holmes Jesus had taught that the “field is the world”,3 but in the traditional church the church had become the field or place of ministry. Our ministry goals were to attract as many people as we could to the new building through visibility, facilities, programs, and promotion. The work of the church had become a positional identity and the ministry was almost exclusively left to the pastoral staff. To the congregation, evangelism had become a matter of inviting people to the services. Our goal was to change the church from a field to a force. The believers would be equipped and released to minister in the community. 197

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The church would become a barracks where the troops could be rested, restored, and re-commissioned. The pastor’s role would be to care for the flock and equip the believers for the work of the ministry. We would rephrase our prayers from “Lord, give us THE community” to “Lord, give us TO the community.”

Implementing the change To introduce and implement the change, I first shared the vision with the board. Although some reluctance was expressed, the men responded favorably to the proposed changes. It was decided that we would begin Phase I by putting greater emphasis on our worship, training, discipleship, and fellowship. The congregation would be informed of the shift in focus and over a period of three months the pastors would preach and teach the priesthood of all believers. Our Sunday morning adult class would be used to begin training people in soul winning, follow up, altar ministry, and visiting the sick. The second phase would be the introduction of a small group ministry. As the believers became involved in ministry, those showing leadership qualities would be trained in how to lead a small group. The goal would be to build and develop these groups so that they would eventually become the main evangelistic thrust of the church. Most of the ministry of the church would be conducted in the community rather than in our own facilities. The church would truly become a force in the community. The Congregational Response Most of the congregation outwardly supported the program, although comments such as “our church is getting too big” were filtering back to the leadership. A few others questioned the logic of building such a large facility when most of the church ministry would take place outside the building. One even suggested that the Pastor was promoting this new concept so he would have more time to golf and fish as the members did ‘his work’. In spite of these objections, Phase I continued and was an absolute success. In three years, the congregation had grown to around 350 and 198

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the school had an enrollment of 125 students, many of whom were from non-church families. But these successes would soon begin to work against the church, as some of the former power groups attempted to reclaim their control and influence over the congregation. The storm clouds were gathering, and the school that had been contributing substantially to the finances of the church and its numerical growth, suddenly became a major point of contention. Outcome of the change On the whole, despite all the objections, the changes that had been implemented were successful in many ways. Those who had been trained continued to minister effectively and a number of them entered full-time ministry. In his book, “Discontinuity and Hope: Radical Change and the Path to the Future,4” Lyle Schaller discusses how essential it is for ministers to reinvent their way of carrying on the ministry in light of the plethora of changes in the twenty-first century. In my experience at Leduc, I learned these facts about reinventing one’s career: 1. Reinventing a new way of carrying on the ministry met with opposition from some influential groups in the body. 2. I had to focus on my mission of desiring to implement this change. I had to look beyond people’s comments and focus on my long-range goals 3. My faith in Jesus helped me through it all. He, too, was ridiculed and rejected, but He focused on His goals and His mission. 4. The change took some time. We had to carry the people along with us. 5. The huge change was implemented in bits. Dividing it into two phases made us focus on achievable goals for each period, which made the whole process less overwhelming. In our stories, we have discussed how we dealt with the challenges we faced when we reinvented our career lives. The more interesting part is how we were able to move forward, despite the challenges. We can testify that the one force that made us stay sane through and after all these changes is our faith in Jesus Christ. We received strength from 199

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Him personally. We also received courage to face our circumstances by looking at how He dealt with changes in His career life. JESUS AS OUR MODEL While He was here on earth, Jesus did change His career. Yes, a carpenter became a fisher of men. Jesus’ career change involved a total lifestyle change. When He set out from His earthly parent’s house, changing from carpentry to take on ministry, Jesus left the comfort of home and family. He said foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of man had nowhere to lay his head.5 This was a change in lifestyle. He had to adjust to many new parameters. What did Jesus do when He faced a career change? How did He deal with this career change? How was He able to rise above the challenges of the change? What can twenty-first century career people learn from this example? 1. For Jesus to be able deal with this career change, He first had to accept it. He knew right from the beginning that at some point in His life He would leave the carpentry job of his earthly parents to take on the mission for which He came to the world. 2. Jesus kept this mission before Him at all times. He understood that His mission was to seek and save lost people and to offer Himself as a sacrifice for people’s sins. Many times during his ministry, events and circumstances tended to blur the vision. At one time, some people wanted to make Jesus an earthly king. They saw no reason why he should not be king. He was great with people and performed many miracles. They concluded that He should be able to save the Jews from the oppression of the Romans at that time. However, Jesus’ mission had a more far reaching and lasting effect than those folks were able to perceive. Jesus had to go to the cross and make a once-and-for-all sacrifice. He had to put carpentry aside. He had to discourage those who wanted Him to change his career to earthly king. He held on to His career of minister and teacher. He did the job of ministering to people. He also did the very essential job of passing it on to the Twelve and others who were to continue when He was gone. 200

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3. Jesus was able to deal with His career change by drawing strength from His Father, with whom he had a close relationship. Many times He went to talk to Him in private. On one particular occasion (John 17), He spent a long time pouring out His heart to the Father on His desires for His team members, the trainee fishers of men. 4. Jesus not only changed His career, but also caused a dramatic change in the career lives of those who came into contact with Him. Jesus also stayed on with these people whose career lives had been changed. He stayed on and taught them how to manage those changes. It should be noted that establishing a personal relationship with Jesus does not always involve a career change. Many people whose lives Jesus has touched keep on working in their normal career fields, but with a difference. They have a new perspective on their jobs and the relationships in their workplace, which implies a significant, positive change in their job functions. Establishing a personal relationship with Jesus does not always require a career change. Followers of Jesus are called to be light in their environment and that includes their workplace Jesus’ call to his team of twelve involved a career change for them. Some were originally fishermen. Their job function changed from dealing with fish to dealing with people. Some of these twelve had never dealt with women and children. Some had never dealt with people’s needs or reached out to sick people. One of the miracles Jesus performed was the feeding of five thousand people.6 The disciples were ready to send the multitudes away after a long day of following Jesus. Jesus called them to order; showing by example that He was not only interested in quenching the spiritual hunger of people’s souls but also in meeting physical needs such as food. These men had to reorient their thinking, to see people in a new perspective! Another disciple was a tax collector. His job description changed from carrying the money bag to carrying the burden for the souls of people, to dealing with their core needs—physical, emotional 201

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and spiritual. It changed from a deep-rooted habit of ‘getting and getting’ to a new one of ‘giving and giving’. (See more in Chapter 10.) What a cataclysmic change this was for these people! These changes affected not only Jesus’ associates but also their families! Jimmy and Carol Owens reflected on this in their Easter musical “The Witness”.7 In the track “When You Find the Truth,” Simon Peter’s wife shared her frustrations regarding her marriage. Her dream of marriage with her husband was not coming true. She was used to life as a fisherman’s wife. Simon always returned home after the day or night’s catch, but with Jesus as her husband’s manager, she could never predict when he was going to come home. In fact, he was often out of town traveling with Jesus. Despite the disparate backgrounds of these twelve, one thing is evident: Jesus taught these people the rules of their new trade. He spent a colossal amount of time helping them to manage the changes in their lives, career-related or otherwise. As we testified above, we have both gleaned from Jesus’ teachings and received His personal help in managing our career-related changes. Jesus is also willing to help you, the reader, face that monster of a career move or change. He offers help and comfort all the way, if you will let Him. Listen to what He says: “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy-laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart and I will give rest to your souls.” -Matthew 11:28 GENERAL TIPS FOR CAREER CHANGERS (More resources for career changers are listed in the Appendix.) 1. Face your deepest fears. List them, as mentioned earlier in our personal stories. 2. In any career change, it is essential to recognize your mission and be determined to give yourself wholly to it. Find out who you really are beyond status, material possessions, and ego. Recognize why you are moving into this new field. Identify your mission. Set your heart fully to it. 202

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3. Having seen yourself in a new light, learn to reduce the power of money or any other major pivot on which the fears and doubts revolve. Take control of your finances. Analyze expectations, i.e., recognize that children can be educated in public rather than private schools. 4. Take the necessary steps toward being successful in the new field. Maintain a constructive attitude. Do not pay attention to ghosts from the past or ‘what would have been’. Commit yourself wholeheartedly to this new career and the new way of life. 5. Obtain support and encouragement from people who have also recently switched to your new field. If there is any way for you to receive encouragement and power for your new career, embrace it wholeheartedly. 6. Conquer your feeling of inadequacy by checking your local library for resources that will help you. Work on your resumes and job searches. Make a chart assessing the transferable skills and abilities for a new career. 7. If you need additional training, do not hesitate to take it, even if it is on an evening or part-time basis. 8. Talk to people who have established themselves in the new field. Find mentors in your new career. Join professional associations and mentoring or support groups in your new career field. 9. Seek strength from God. He is interested in your success in your new field. He is willing to help you out if you ask Him. 10. Take time to refresh. A career change, like other changes, needs time for adjustment. Since it involves the whole of our being— emotional, intellectual, and physical—you should take time to rest and refresh. Take time to adjust. Do not load yourself too much while going through this transition. 11. Enjoy the process, the journey. Do not spend all your time waiting for the end to come. Use humor to lessen stress if things seem too difficult. 12. Celebrate change by bringing some aspects or signposts of your old career into the new.

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AT THE CENTER OF THIS BOOK

CHAPTER 10 ______________________________

DELETING THE FILE THAT HAS THE SIGNATURE OF THE WORM QZN IN IT Therefore, if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!. -2 Corinthians 5:17

OF WORMS, PARASITES AND VIRUSES Medical and computer worms and viruses Viruses, worms and parasites! I (Tolu) literally breathed this ‘enigma’ of biology in various ways, during my educational pursuit and career life. In fact, these three ‘creatures’ represent different focal points of my biomedical career experience. As an undergraduate in pharmacy school, I learned a lot about worms, parasites and other infectious disease agents that were endemic in Africa. I learned about strange and scary parasitic diseases and their agents, such as Bilharzia (schistosomiasis) and river blindness (onchocerciasis). Even higher up on the ‘scary’ scale is a disease called African sleeping sickness (trypanosomiasis), caused by parasites referred to as trypanosomes and transmitted by an insect called the tsetse fly. A person bitten by the parasite-carrying version of that fly will develop early symptoms of infection in various body organs. These symptoms eventually manifest themselves as heart damage, disturbed speech, and personality changes. The victim eventually lapses into a prolonged coma, which is why the disease is called ‘sleeping

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sickness’. How frightening! As you can imagine, the prognosis is poor, since the disease is fatal. On the job front, my ‘adventure’ with worms and parasites became more real. As a retail pharmacist, I sold tons of Combantrin®, the all-inone worm expeller. A large proportion of school-aged children had one form of worm infestation or another—roundworms, hookworms, or pinworms. Parents were advised to ‘de-worm’ their young children as often as four times a year, depending on the child’s age. Having a medicine that can get rid of all the different worms in one single dose was definitely an advantage. At that time, Combantrin (pyrantel pamoate) made by Pfizer® Inc. was the wonder drug that fit this description, so everyone bought it. When I moved abroad to England for my graduate studies, I discovered a world with a brand new focus. Many places were still teaching about worms and parasites, but these discussions were centered on more ‘refined’ topics such as mapping a disease-causing determinant of the parasite. I was now in the research world, the world of infinite possibilities, where the focus was on diseases of the developed world. I was now in touch with a great number of facilities involved in viral research. I had entered the phase of ‘developed world’ medical research. No more did I encounter a round-bellied child who had heavy worm infestations. Real life pictures of a severely malnourished child with a disease called kwashiorkor no longer existed. This ‘new’ world consisted of dissecting the fine structures of viruses ranging from influenza and the flu virus to the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) and the AIDS virus. We used sophisticated research equipment and designed vaccines against the elusive bugs. This new world also came with a completely different set of challenges. My world was the world of biomedicine and I grew up with the knowledge that worms, parasites and viruses belonged to that world. However, later in my career life I was shocked when computers also started ‘having viruses’. I used to wonder how on earth the naming system for these parasites got acquired by the world of computer technology.

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Sometimes when I tried to open a computer file, a big notice came on the screen: “This file has the signature of the virus QZN in it. What shall be done to the file?” (My anti-virus program was German and the English offered made the subject even more interesting1) As if that was not enough, newer names were gradually added to this fast-paced world of technology. We started receiving warnings of some bizarre creature names. How in the world did the Trojan horse become a worm? Over time, I came to terms with this computer terminology and checked out some of the characteristics of the computer parasites. I turned to the modern day thesaurus for descriptions of these medical entities and their computer technology counterparts. My quest made me at peace with the terminologies. In fact, I discovered that assigning those medical entities’ names to the computer bugs is totally rational and am now on a par with the computer terms. Consider the thesaurus definitions of these now ‘multi-disciplinary’ terms: Trojan horse:

• Greek mythology: Hollow horse concealing Greeks: - a hollow wooden horse that hid Greek soldiers, left at the gates of Troy. The Trojans were convinced it was a gift to Athena and dragged it inside. • Concealed stratagem: somebody or something that is meant to disrupt, undermine, subvert, or destroy an enemy or rival, especially somebody or something that operates while concealed within an organization. • Computing: destructive computer program, a computer program containing a hidden function that causes damage to other programs.

Similarly, a virus and a worm are defined in both their medical and computer world ‘variants’: Virus:

• Biochemistry: Submicroscopic entity, a minute particle that lives as a parasite in plants, animals, and bacteria and consists of a nucleic acid core within a protein sheath. Computing: Contagious computer program, a computer program that is part • of another and inserts copies of itself.

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Worm:

• Zoology: Long cylindrical invertebrate, an invertebrate that has a slender, soft, cylindrical or flat body and no apparent appendages, especially an annelid, nematode, or flatworm • Computing: Invasive computer program, a computer program that invades computers on a network, replicates itself to prevent deletion, and interferes with the host computer’s operation.

My ‘wonder’ has since been turned into total agreement. The twentyfirst century computer terminology is totally coherent. What these computer ‘elements’ execute in the computer world is identical to what the medical entities perform in the human body. Imagine the devastation caused by the queer Ebola virus in 1976. About 500 people were killed in two outbreaks within a short time period. Consider the continuous devastation caused by the AIDS virus in Sub-Saharan Africa. A number of flu virus pandemics have also caused great devastation. Human viruses must never be taken lightly. What, then, shall we say of the computer counterparts? Consider the Sobig virus that destroyed whole computer systems of both large and small organizations, destroying years of accumulated data and hard work. The Sobig virus supposedly caused $37 billion of economic damage worldwide in terms of business loss, bandwidth clogging, productivity erosion, management time reallocation, and cost of recovery!2 Wow! That computer virus definitely had a huge impact on industry. The Love Bug virus was distributed in the form of an e-mail entitled “I LOVE YOU”. We were warned that if such an e-mail was opened, the encoded virus could damage the whole network in a workplace environment! What a sinister way to send around an annihilating bug! New annihilating bugs such as MyDoom and their variants continue to cause a lot of damage in the business world2. This brings me to another amazing set of similarities. The biochemical virus entity invades cells and tells them to replicate the virus, virtually controlling them. The infected cells no longer operate ‘by their own minds’ and must ‘obey the directions’ given by the attacking bug. Likewise, the computer worm invades the computer and tells it to replicate the worm. The computer program ‘obeys the directions’ given by this invading bug.

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“Sin” is the corruption of the human mind Of even more interest is the fact that our relational world of human beings has paradigms similar to those depicted by the medical and computer bugs. In our day-to-day world, we find that our relationships and general social interactions are marred by something generally referred to as bad or unacceptable behavior. As we mentioned in earlier chapters, this book deals with how to face constant changes in our lives. Such changes often revolve around our relationships with fellow human beings, i.e., family, friends, colleagues, or acquaintances. The nature of a person’s interaction with other people is very much dependent upon the relationship between that person and God, his Creator. Thus, how we relate to God is of great significance. Our relationship with God goes a long way in determining how we relate to other people. The innate tendency in people is to do what they like, regardless of whether this is in line with God’s stated will or not. This inborn (natural) tendency is referred to as the ‘nature of sin’. The outcome of this tendency is that sin replicates itself in people. Sin takes hold of people and tells them what to do. The consequence of sin is destruction in one form or another. A young child was warned not to touch a glowing flame and decided to ignore the instruction. The child touched the flame and got burned. The results of not following God’s instructions for our lives are numerous, but they all have a negative outcome. It is interesting that the thesaurus also has other definitions for a virus and a worm, which refer to carrying out this kind of action as a result of the sinful tendency in people: A virus: • Something that corrupts: anything that has a corrupting or poisonous effect, especially on people’s minds.

A worm: •

something that torments, undermines, or corrupts a person from within.

According to the thesaurus, sin is: • •

a transgression of theological principles estrangement (separation) from God

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Yes, the principle is that of separation from God due to a willful act of not submitting to God, not allowing Him to take control of our lives. We need to let God take control of our lives. If we do not, then sin takes control of our lives. As explained above, sin results in destruction. Just as a virus or worm corrupts the cell it invades, sin corrupts the human mind. The uncontrolled replication of the virus in the human body may lead to damage to that body, and in extreme cases even death. After it has replicated, the encoding virus causes massive destruction to a computer system and its network. In human lives, sin also leads to destruction. In fact, the effect of sin on human lives is two-fold: It causes a temporary destruction in this world and a more severe eternal destruction. The destructive nature of sin should not be taken lightly.

Viruses that infect and corrupt the human body or computers or the human mind are prone to cause massive destruction of their hosts. Effective viral control measures should always be in place. The good news is that God’s power over human lives is transforming. It enables us to establish a relationship with God and to enjoy that relationship. We could become friends with God. This power could be yours if you decide to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. JESUS IS AT THE CENTER This chapter has been put at the center of this book for a good reason: Jesus Christ is the pivot around which we may revolve in order to maintain our sanity while dealing with constant changes in life. Jesus Christ is the ultimate manager of changes; He is the expert. In fact, Jesus Christ is the leader of changes. He initiates changes in our lives and helps us to manage them if we depend upon Him. That is why we invite you to make Jesus the center of your life, to establish that personal relationship with Jesus discussed above. Yes, in order to 212

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effectively manage the changes in your life, we invite you to make the most important change.

Managing changes by changing management The most important change that could happen to anyone is a personal encounter with Jesus Christ. When all around you is changing, you may feel under pressure to give attention to the associated demands. At such moments, the most important step you can take is to establish a personal relationship with Jesus. The personal touch of Jesus has a far greater impact than we realize on our outlook on life, the way we are able to deal with changes, and the way we are able to maintain our sanity while facing those constant changes. We call this ‘managing changes by changing your own personal management system’. Changing our personal management system to that of Jesus is a twopronged approach. First, because our lives had been infected with sin, Jesus has to deal with that first. When we invite Jesus into our lives, He deletes the sin-infected file. He gives us a clean slate on which to write our new life. Secondly, Jesus’ transforming power in our lives enables us to live a life of victory over sin. He gives us a new management system. This principle is well-illustrated by one of my (Dave) favorite accounts of the unique interactions Jesus had with various individuals: Zaccheus, the physically disadvantaged Chief Revenue Officer Zaccheus was a zealous man, a fervent man of passion. He was a tax collector by trade. In fact, he was a Chief Tax Collector, which suggests that he had somehow climbed the ranks of the profession and reached the very top. This man was very rich. Perhaps that was expected by virtue of his position. Zaccheus was a man to be reckoned with in social circles. He was so ‘zealous’ that he collected much more than was required from each of his unfortunate clients. Then he kept the excess for himself. In all likelihood, his riches had more to do with his unscrupulous acts than with his being chief of his trade. He had amassed wealth through very dubious means and ended up becoming an individual that society regarded as a sinner. He had become very unpopular. 213

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On this eventful day recorded in the gospel of Luke, Zaccheus had learned Jesus was coming to his town, Jericho. Zaccheus must have heard about Jesus’ miracles and teachings. Zaccheus had a hunger, a desire to see the man he had heard so much about, but Zaccheus was physically challenged. He was not very tall, which was a great drawback for him. It is also possible that because of his unpopularity no one would let him through the crowd to see Jesus. Zaccheus desired to see Jesus, so he took an important step in overcoming his handicap. It is noteworthy that Zaccheus did not stay in his house moaning about how impossible it would be for him to see Jesus. No! Instead, he climbed up a tree. Indeed, he overcame his physical handicap and positioned himself in a manner so as to ensure his desire would be fulfilled. What was the result? This is very exciting. When Jesus reached the tree where Zaccheus was perched, He called out to Zaccheus. That was great! Zaccheus just wanted to catch a glimpse of Jesus, perhaps to check out what Jesus looked like. Not only did Zaccheus see Jesus, but Jesus looked up and saw Zaccheus in the tree. Jesus called out to him, “Hurry up and come down, for today I must stay in your house” (Luke 19:5). That must have been the most exciting words Zaccheus had heard for a long time. Jesus went to Zaccheus’ house, stayed with him, and transformed his life. The story of Zaccheus’ encounter with Jesus brings out two salient points that have become time-tested truths for other people who have had encounters with Jesus. The first truth is that an encounter with Jesus resulted in the deletion of Zaccheus’ sin-infected file. The second fact is as important as the first: An encounter with Jesus resulted in a change in Zaccheus’ personal management The deletion of Zaccheus’ sin-infected file At the point when Zaccheus first met Jesus, Zaccheus was as lost as anyone could be. He had cheated many people and used his position to amass wealth. He had not cared for his fellow citizens. He was selfcentered, seeking only to increase his savings. Totally corrupted from within, he was headed toward destruction caused by sin in people’s lives. He had a fully-loaded, sin-infected file.

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For as far as the east is from the west so far has He removed our sins from us

-Psalms 103:12

When Zaccheus met with Jesus, there was a dramatic turnaround in his life. Jesus forgave him all his past sins. Jesus deleted Zaccheus’ sininfected file and gave him a fresh, clean file on which to write his new life.

A change in Zaccheus’ personal management system For Zaccheus, an encounter with Jesus involved a personal transformation. Zaccheus was not only free from the guilt of past behavior, he was also liberated from the power of sin, the same sinful nature that had surrounded him during his duties as a tax collector. Zaccheus’ personal management system had completely changed. The new management system in him was that of Jesus Christ, the expert Change leader and Change Manager. Zaccheus found that he could no longer do the things he used to do. His old mistakes had been forgiven. That was not the end of the story. Now that Zaccheus had stopped all his wrong acquisition of wealth, he did not remain idle. He replaced his wrongdoings with good deeds and service to his fellow citizens. Zaccheus gave away his money, returning as much as four times what he owed to the people he had previously cheated. Zaccheus became a community man serving in ways that only he could.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you -Ezekiel 36:26 He was a new Zaccheus, someone whose management system has changed. This could only have happened through the radical transformation of heart that he received from his encounter with Jesus Christ. 215

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Zaccheus’ change of attitude toward money When Zaccheus experienced Jesus, his perspective on finances was changed. Zaccheus’ change of attitude toward money was just the beginning of the great transformation in his life. It was the first outward indication of the new management system operating in him. He also had a new outlook on how to serve his community. Here is the summary: Zaccheus said, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.” (Luke 19:8). Wow! Zaccheus was ready to not only give back what he had wrongfully taken, but also to give back four times the amount when the Mosaic law of his times only required him to give back two times. It was a total transformation from ‘getting and getting’ to ‘giving and giving’. He truly was a radically-changed Zaccheus. Because finances are at the very heart of many of the constant changes we encounter on our path, it is safe to say that having total control over our attitude to money, i.e., disempowering money is a radical step towards gaining control over most of the other areas of our lives. Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money It could then be inferred that for Zaccheus to have yielded the control of that aspect of his life to Jesus meant that he would have had a radical transformation of his total outlook on life in general. Jesus is looking out for you The story of Zaccheus as recorded in the Bible has continued. When His fellow citizens accused Jesus of living in a sinner’s house, Jesus’ response was crisp and clear. He told his accusers that He had come to look for and save those who were lost. Jesus is still looking for many ‘Zaccheuses’ today. Indeed, Jesus is looking for you. He desires to save you, just as He did Zaccheus. Jesus wants to be your companion. Jesus wants to have a personal relationship with you. He wants to be your friend and transform your life. Jesus wants to help you through those changes. 216

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For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save those who are lost-Luke 19:10 Earlier discussions in this chapter focused on the similarities between human and computer viruses and the nature of sin in man. Similarly, the function of the anti-virus program in computers serves as a good analogy. When you ask the anti-virus program to delete the virus-infected file, the file should be deleted and you should not be able to retrieve it again. What the transforming power of God does to people is even better. When Jesus touches a life, the sins are forgiven and He does not remember them. It is worth noting the difference between denying a virus access to a file and actually deleting the file that contains the signature of the virus. When you tell your anti-virus program to deny access to an impending virus, you are only delaying doom. Each time you open up the system, the same question is posed to you afresh: “This file has the signature of the QZN worm. What shall be done to the file?” When you ask the anti-virus program to delete the file, the file is deleted forever. Denying access does not deal with the root of the problem; it does not remove the virus. Similarly, the world today offers many touch-and-go measures that cannot deal with sin. Neither can they change the nature of sin. The power of Jesus, however, is a transforming power. He not only deletes the sin-infested file, He deals with the root of the problem. Just as he did for Zaccheus, Jesus wants to come into your life. Jesus wants to delete that file containing your past sins. He wants to give you a clean slate, a new beginning. Jesus will take your life and transform it. The decision is yours to make. The action is on your part. He can make you a new creation in Him if you invite Him into your life. If you then submit to His new management system, He will enable you to rise above the challenge of going back to the old ways. Instead, He will help you discover a new world of possibilities. Just as Zaccheus positioned himself to see Jesus, you have positioned yourself to stay sane while facing constant changes. Now you can plug into the expert, the expert Change Manager. Give yourself over to Him. 217

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You can invite him into your life to take over your personal management system. We both have the new management system in place! Millions of people over the centuries have had personal encounters with Jesus. We both have exciting stories of how Jesus has transformed our lives. The new life of Jesus in us has been our source of victory and power in overcoming challenges that continue to come our way as we deal with the constant changes we face. I (Dave) made a commitment to Jesus in my mid-teen years. I was just like any other 15-year-old. I was engaged in and busy with all that life had to offer. Things pertaining to God had no priority in my life. Then I was chanced to attend an open-air meeting held by a visiting evangelist. He invited us to give God a chance in our lives. I asked God to forgive me for my past mistakes. I made a commitment and entered into a relationship with Jesus Christ. I encountered Jesus that day and experienced a life-changing transformation. Little did I realize then how much change this transformation would cause or how my journey would take me from the business environment and career in which I was raised to one of ministry and sharing. I did not know then that my new direction would have an impact on not only my life but also how my family and friends would interact with me. Indeed, my life was changed from that day forward. The change has been for good. The impact of the decision I made on that open field many years ago continues to increase over the years. That decision had an impact on my career, marriage, parenting, grandparenting, house moves, and many other areas of my life. Looking back at the years that have elapsed since that first decision, I can say with certainty that I have no regrets about the path I have chosen. I (Tolu) also invited Jesus into my life at the relatively young age of twelve. I came to know about having personal relationships with Jesus during chapel services held in my junior high school. I also told God how sorry I was for my past life. I then invited Him to take full control of my life. I resolved that I would live a life that would please Him. That decision was challenged during the course of my career and married life, but I can testify that with God’s enabling power in me, my commitment has stood the test of time. In times of doubt and testing 218

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when my faith wavered, God gave me His empowering strength to move to even greater heights in Him. I stood stronger with each challenge. In more recent times, when I faced one of the most difficult challenges of my life, God caused me to remember. The challenge was that of a career change from biomedical science to full-time ministry. God reminded me about the great times He and I had had together since I made that first commitment to him as a pre-teen. He reminded me about His faithfulness to me when I had turned to Him before making choices of career, marriage, parenting, and relocation. God gave me even more strength to tackle the issue of changing from biomedical science to full-time ministry. I gained the courage to move forward in my decision, trusting that God would be able to do greater things in my life in this new phase. I received fresh assurance that Jesus and I were in this new phase together, just as we had been in earlier ones in my life. That makes all the difference in the world! TAKING IT FORWARD In this chapter we have invited you to take the challenge of yielding control of your life to Jesus. We have encouraged you to invite Him into your life and take on His new management system. We have used examples from our lives and that of the Biblical character, Zaccheus. Now, where do we go from here? Zaccheus after his encounter with Jesus I (Dave) have always wondered what happened to Zaccheus after he had the encounter with Jesus Christ. It was very obvious that when Zaccheus had this miraculous encounter, his total way of thinking changed. Unfortunately, we do not have written accounts of what happened to him afterwards. How did he cope with ‘less pay’? How did he cope with having to deplete a significant amount of his savings to repay the people he had swindled? Did he have to scale down his accommodation? Did he change careers? Did he have to move to a slower-paced town to accommodate his new way of life? We do not have the answers to those questions, but we do know one thing: When Zaccheus had a personal experience with Jesus, his personal 219

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management system was changed to the Jesus management system. And that surely must have impacted positively on his way of managing changes in his life afterwards. It all started with his new attitude toward his fellow citizens. We believe this change must have impacted other areas of his life as he dealt with numerous other changes. Although we do not have Zaccheus’ follow-up story, what we offer you in the other chapters of this book will help you deal effectively with changes in your life. Our role model is Jesus Christ. We have used examples from Jesus’ life on earth and his interactions with real people like you and us to bring out some salient principles for staying sane while facing constant changes. In the subsequent chapters, we emphasize the fact that the most effective way of continuously dealing with changes in a positive manner is to plug into this Jesus management system. This ‘all-in-one’ approach to handling these changes is very different from the other ‘touch-and-go’ approaches that deny access to the virus-containing file. The Jesus system goes to the root of the problem and totally deletes the virus-infected file. He gives you a new clean file and enables you to write out your new life of victory on it. With Jesus in control of your life, you can be fully prepared to deal with those changes. You can then go forward and build upon that solid foundation by using the new management system for dealing with constant change. With Jesus as your Change Manager, you will need to keep yielding to His control. With Jesus as your Change Manager you will remain sane as you face those constant changes. If you have questions or would like more information about the contents of this chapter, please visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com.

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CHAPTER 11 ______________________________

SEMI-RETIREMENT AND RETIREMENT Man is so made that he can only find relaxation from one kind of labor by taking up another. -Anatole France

In this book we illustrate the struggles we go through as we try to make ends meet in our day-to-day life. We receive relevant education (Chapter 2) and enter the labor force. We enter into marriage (Chapter 3) and begin growing our families (Chapter 4). While raising our children, we move through various career positions (Chapter 7) and at times endeavor to change careers in mid-life (Chapter 9). We uproot our families and relocate to another country or continent (See Chapter 14) in a bid to earn a living to keep the family going. Our grown-up children leave home, start their own families, and we launch into our grandparenting years (See Chapter 12). And, after all the many years of juggling active careers and family responsibilities, we decide it is time it all culminated in retirement. Traditionally, retirement is the ultimate goal of everyone who has toiled day and night for a number of decades to earn a living. It is viewed as a time to rest, to catch up on one’s self and connect with friends and family. Retirement used to be a one-time event; once retired, people normally stayed retired. In many ways retirement still fulfills these purposes, but the image and perception of the word ‘retire’ are being continuously modified in today’s world.

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FACTS ABOUT SEMI-RETIREMENT AND RETIREMENT Benefits of leaving active work Retirement means not having to work on a fixed never-ending schedule. There are definite benefits with not having to engage in the daily drudgery of work. In retirement you have freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want. You are not tied to a schedule. You have the liberty to move around and go anywhere you wish. You may decide to sleep in and spend the rest of the day gardening or golfing. You do not feel guilty about unfinished tasks or being inefficient. You can go out with friends on short notice. You are able to determine the day’s events without worrying about deadlines, supervisors, or employees. You are free to enjoy nature and travel to the places of your dreams. For people with families, retirement is a time to connect with the grandchildren and spend more time with family members. It is a great chance to pass on the wisdom of the years to the second generation. (See Chapter 12.) Retirement is a whole new world of unlimited freedom. People usually retire in their mature or more aged years. Being ‘old’ is traditionally associated with slowness, forgetfulness, unattractiveness, and being ‘near death’. Retirement need not be associated with being near death. Such a perception should not be the driving force for your decisions. Retirement could be viewed as the ‘icing on the cake’ of your fulfilled life. It could be another phase of positive adventure. Having this view of retirement will allow you to fully enjoy its benefits without any regrets. Why people do not want to retire Apart from the above-mentioned issues of aging, people do not want to retire from active employment for various reasons. Not having enough money or resources to sustain a certain lifestyle is a major concern for many people. Others just love what they do and would not give it up except on health grounds. Some cannot imagine a life without any work engagement; they are afraid of being bored. Retirement to some seems like wasting away or general poverty. For many people, there is more to working than just the financial remuneration. A career provides many psychological rewards such as self-esteem and self-worth. This causes many to perceive being retired as 222

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being irrelevant to society, thereby generating low self-esteem. These concerns over what happens during retirement have prompted some people to go back to work again after retiring. Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone's task is unique as his specific opportunity-Viktor Frankl In other cases, people go back to work again after retirement because of some awakening in their lives. They realize they want to do something of significance while they are still here on earth. The pressures of raising a family are gone and the aspect of barely surviving is no longer there. Often these people have worked for most of their lives and saved money for their retirement years. Because of the human need to leave a legacy, these people go back to work after retirement. They are ‘sort of retired’; in other words, semi-retired. These people want to offer their services to their community and nation to promote a cause. They want to engage in something of significance for which they will be remembered. This causes them to pour more and more of themselves into the work. If they didn’t have aging issues, they would continue to work until they died. Such is the extent of our need for approval by others as human beings. For these reasons, many people retire from active employment, return to work, retire again, and the cycle continues.

Changing retirement patterns in today’s world: statistics The socio-cultural factors in today’s society have influenced retirement patterns in significant ways such as increased longevity of seniors and the rising cost of living. Better medical care, improved diets, and access to ways of maintaining physical fitness have allowed people to live longer and have healthier lives in their senior years after retiring from active employment. 223

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The rise in the cost of living also affects retirement patterns in today’s society. The amount of money seniors require to maintain the kind of lifestyle they enjoyed in their working life has increased significantly. New government policies on the availability of social services for seniors have also come into effect. In Canada, between 1996 and 2001, the number of working seniors rose from 255,000 to 305,0001. This increase is the result of the longevity factor mentioned above. Some seniors continue to work to earn the money needed to maintain a desired lifestyle that the combination of pension and Old Age Security benefits cannot support. Other seniors retire from their regular jobs but continue to donate a considerable amount of their time to volunteer organizations. In these cases, the traditional concept of one-event retirement is being replaced by gradual transition into full retirement. In Canada a survey was conducted to examine baby boomers’ attitudes to retirement.2 Twenty-two percent planned to retire before age 60, 22 percent planned to retire between ages 60 and 65, 23 percent planned to retire at age 65, and three percent planned to retire after age 65. Thirteen percent of the respondents did not know when they would retire, while 18 percent did not plan to retire. Similarly in the United States, in a survey conducted by NAVA,3 95 percent of Americans have financial fears about retirement. These fears revolve around running out of money and inability to cover rising medical costs in retirement. The results of this study point to the fact that Americans need to restructure their retirement plans and take personal responsibility to protect their financial and personal well-being in future years. The general attitude of boomers who are gradually approaching retirement is revolutionizing traditional retirement patterns. A survey conducted by Merrill Lynch called “The New Retirement Survey”,4 reveals how baby boomers will transform retirement. Boomers are living longer and remaining employed past the traditional age of 65. This calls for restructuring the retirement plans of this age group and future generations. In this new retirement model, boomers plan to keep working and earning in retirement by cycling between periods of work and leisure. The idea of full-time work or full-time leisure in retirement is not appealing to boomers. They plan to undergo the traditional 224

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retirement from their long-term career job at 64 and then take on a new career or job. Retired is being tired twice, I've thought, first tired of working, then tired of not

-Richard Armour

Cycling between work and leisure will help them to achieve their traditional retirement dreams as well as enjoy continuous fulfillment through job engagements. For the majority of those surveyed, continued mental stimulation (as opposed to money) is the incentive for this model. Another major factor that influences this trend is that women in this age group are more educated and independent, and intend to continue juggling career and family responsibilities. In fact, while the boomer men would love to work less and spend more time with their spouses, the women would rather look for more opportunities in career development and continued personal growth. All these factors will definitely change the concept of standard retirement planning. This new model will definitely impact not only retirement but work, recreation, marriage, family, healthcare, housing entitlements and the general economy. Another socio-cultural factor that is becoming increasingly noticeable in today’s society is the high rate of divorce and remarriage. (See Chapters 5 and 6.) Retirement concerns for those who have experienced transitions in marital relationships earlier in life may be more complicated than those who have had a single marital partner. This has important implications for personal well-being and the public health system.

BEFORE YOU RETIRE: THE GRADUAL PROCESS OF ENTERING INTO RETIREMENT The phases of retirement transition Retirement should not take you by surprise. After all, it is the ultimate aspiration of your working lives. What might make it difficult for you to think about retirement is its negative perception, including concerns over 225

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finances. As someone approaching retirement, you need to see the period as a positive time of your life. You need to perceive it as the threshold of an exciting adventure. This will help you to plan proactively for it with less regret. Retirement is not a one-day event. Just like any major change in life, retirement has its own transition phases. In Chapter 1 we discussed the phases of transition imposed upon us by changes in general. We identified the phases of recognition, denial and anger, acceptance, and moving forward with the change. Haynes5 has classified the phases of transition into retirement into four similar ones: acknowledgement, acceptance, disengagement, and redefinition. The first phase of acknowledging that your retirement is on its way should begin about three to five years before you retire. During acceptance, you come to terms with the fact that you are actually going to stop working. You resolve any feelings of fear, grief, anger, guilt, and rejection over the course of time. Looking at the bright side of life during retirement may help you rise above the challenges of this phase. During disengagement, you ensure that others are able to take on your responsibilities when you leave. This phase should begin one to two years before the actual retirement. During this phase you should also look for activities you may want to engage in during your retirement. The final phase of redefinition comes after you have actually stopped working at your career. In this phase, you implement the plans you have made during the initial three phases. You may be looking forward to retirement as a time to fulfill some unique, long-held dreams. It is important to recognize that the activities of your dreams will take only a little amount of your retirement time to fulfill. After you have done the round of taking trips, cleaning out the garage, creating photographic memories, and playing golf, the routine becomes boring and you will seek other ways to be fulfilled. That is why it is essential to plan ahead for the retirement years. Financial planning is an essential part of retirement planning, but it is not the only aspect that requires attention. Restructuring and redefining your roles after retirement will go a long way in helping you avoid disappointment and frustration during your retirement years. Morgan Richard, in his book, I Never Found That Rocking Chair,6 discussed how he went through the various phases of transition in retirement. He went from making the decision to retire to experiencing 226

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the first freedom of having to do nothing. He then experienced an unconventional life he eventually found boring. Later on, he found himself distracted by too many commitments. This eventually led to a state of depression until he was finally able to find a creative balance between leisure and the creative use of his wisdom and expertise. Having a healthy retirement requires striking a balance between leisure time and work. According to Tigges,7 planning for active retirement should be aimed at fulfilling a number of goals. The first is maintaining the fulfillment you derived from your job. A second important goal is maintaining your health. Realistic financial planning is also essential if you are to live through retirement in comfortable circumstances.

Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination-Fitzhugh Dodson

Maintaining your job-derived fulfillment To reach your objective of maintaining your job-derived fulfillment, you need to list the needs that were met by your present job or career. These may be financial compensation, social support, structure, purpose in life, a sense of belonging, a recognizable identity, helping others, the opportunity to associate with younger people, or a sense of accomplishment, power, influence or control. You then need to identify future activities that will help you meet these needs. List the steps it will take to get involved in those activities. Prepare a timetable for starting the activities. Be proactive in identifying possible obstacles in reaching those goals and seek out alternative options. For example, if you enjoyed your former job because it helped you to associate with younger people, your retirement needs could be met by mentoring young people in the community or professional associations. If power and control was your arena in your job, then a leadership role with a non-profit organization may help to meet your needs. 227

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Maintaining your health Maintaining a healthy lifestyle during retirement will help you keep up with fulfilling your retirement dreams. Being physically fit is to your advantage and you should strive towards maintaining your fitness. Being in good health will give you a high sense of worth and increase your selfesteem in this phase of your life that is associated with aging. You need to follow up regularly with a doctor who knows your health history. Have a consistent exercise program and do not rely too heavily on medication. Good health, in combination with other positive factors, will help to make retirement the golden years of your life! Financial planning Having enough money to maintain a reasonable lifestyle is one of the other big factors in retirement. In fact, a large proportion of retirement planning services is focused on this vital issue. Men are usually more proactive about retirement investment than women. Women should remove barriers of fear associated with long-term money planning issues. You may enlist the services of a financial advisor to help you with your planning. You may also attend seminars on investing to broaden your knowledge of your investment portfolio. It is essential to have an estate plan, will, and living trust that itemize your wishes on transferring your assets to your beneficiaries. The option of gradual transition into retirement You may discuss transition into retirement with your employer. This could be in terms of job sharing, part-time work, or working from home. Going the gradual transition route may help you to more easily adjust to full retirement. Preparation for retirement means furnishing our lives with durable goods, which will still be there when our work is gone. It means living in a way which prepares us for old age which will be a broadening of our lives -Paul Tournier (paraphrased) 228

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HOW MANY TIMES DO PEOPLE RETIRE? In Chapter 1 we met Brad and Sally Robertson when they were dealing with the challenge of settling down into new work environments in a new city. Sally continued her training to become a Microsoft Certified Engineer in the new city of New Moon. She had to take a break from the course to attend to her mom, who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Upon resuming the course, Sally was scheduled to do a six-week stint with a relevant company of interest in order to broaden her experience. Being in a big city, Sally had a choice of many firms, but she opted for placement in a consulting company that offered a wide range of retirement planning services. She believed the exposure would be profitable not only in her career but to her and Brad as they planned their retirement in the future. On the job she was required to set up links between various subsections of the firm. In order to do this efficiently, she needed to understand what kind of services the clients would need when they signed up with the company. This allowed her to sit in on some of the new client interviews. It was in one of these interviews that she met Albert, Maggie, and Vivian and Tim. Albert Albert had spent forty-two years of his life working in three different industries. He had enjoyed every bit of the fourteen years he had spent in his current position. He had been attending seminars targeted toward retirement, and all his money concerns and relocation plans were settled. All the same, he very much dreaded the day of his retirement. What would Albert do? How would he adjust to a life of retirement? How would he stay sane through the changes retirement would bring? Maggie Maggie had been a career woman all her life. She had accumulated some retirement savings over the course of her career. Her husband of thirtythree years had passed away four years previously. Maggie had now finally pulled the plug and sent in her retirement letter to her employer of fifteen years. Maggie’s children had long ago left home and were living in other distant cities. 229

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What were Maggie’s fears as she approached this significant milestone in her life? How would Maggie rise above the challenges of retirement? Vivian and Tim Vivian had owned her business for twenty years and decided to retire at the age of 62. She believed she had her retirement sorted out. Because of a health problem, Vivian’s husband, Tim, had been unable to work the previous two years before Vivian retired. The couple had two older daughters who had moved away with their spouses to set up homes in faraway places. Vivian had been the higher income-earner of the family, even when her husband was still working. Her business venture was highly profitable and generated a large income for her. At retirement, Vivian and Tim sold their house of twenty years and bought a place in a warmer climate. They were still far away from their daughters and did not get to see them often. Vivian and Tim had all the money to live the kind of lifestyle they wanted. They had planned just to relax and enjoy the fruits of their hard labor over the years. But Vivian did not seem to be enjoying retirement. She missed the active life of business engagements. She no longer felt as fulfilled as she did in those days. Tim had been out of work for awhile, so retirement appeared to be just an extension of his previous experience. He wished he could still participate in active employment. How would Vivian and Tim rise above the challenges of the change in their lives? Would they be able to stay sane through the change? What options were available for Vivian and Tim if they were to enjoy their retirement years? CHALLENGES FACED DURING THE FIRST YEAR OF RETIREMENT FROM ACTIVE WORK For many, the sudden transition from full-time work outside the home to full-time ‘leisure’ inside the home can be traumatic. In fact, the Holmes-Rahe readjustment scale8 described in Chapter 5 ranks retirement as 45 very close to marriage (ranks 50) and being fired from a job (ranks 47). (This scale of 0–100 attempts to quantify the impact of different stressful events in terms of the extent to which a person would 230

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need to readjust their established lifestyle in order to adapt to the situation). Retirement requires a considerable degree of adjustment. In retirement we lose an active career. As with any other major loss, retirement has a heavy burden attached to it. Changing from a pattern of active work over the span of maybe forty to fifty years to a pattern of inactivity is a major transition. The loss of an active working life needs to be grieved the same way we do other losses. This period of grieving will help you deal with the emotions of anger, fear, rejection, denial, or depression associated with the change Other challenges that you may face as a newly retired person include those in the areas of finances, health, aging, family life, friends, home, and relocation. Your financial status as a new retiree will depend upon how much you have saved over the years. Your savings will be depleted if you have no other source of income, so you may fear you don’t have enough money. Growing old is an associated part of retirement when it comes at a ripe age. Issues like frailty of health, forgetfulness, and lack of vitality are aging factors to take into consideration. On the issue of family life, during retirement you have more time to spend with your spouse and family. In fact, an attribute of old age is the desire to be closer to your family. If your family members are not close by, you may experience loneliness. Your relationship with your spouse may be affected by ongoing emotions associated with the grieving of your job loss. You and your spouse will need to work together through the transition. Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength

-Charles H. Spurgeon

Another challenge you might face during retirement is that of relocation or a house move. The many challenges associated with relocation and house moves (see Chapter 14) add more complexity to your life as a new retiree. 231

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All in all, as a newly retired person you will face many interlinked challenges. The next section offers some tips for dealing with these changes. DEALING WITH CHALLENGES FACED DURING THE FIRST YEAR OF RETIREMENT (More resources in the Appendix) In the section titled “Before you retire”, we discussed the need to plan actively for your retirement years as early as five years before you accept the final paycheck from your long-term employer. Having done all the preparations, the day of retirement has now come and you have plunged into the world of retirees. How do you stay sane while dealing with the changes in your first year of retirement? How do you rise above the challenges of the transition and move on to enjoy your retirement life? The following are general tips to help you achieve these goals. 1. Pause to mourn your active career life. Talk about your feelings regarding the changes in your life. Take time to celebrate all the good things that happened to you during the course of your working life. Bring out the medals and certificates. Create a photo memory to celebrate the change. 2. Take your time to fulfill those long envisaged dreams of travel and similar activities. Enjoy the activities as you experience them, but realize that keeping this up as a routine will get boring after awhile. 3. Set up a goal of being active in your retirement. As mentioned above, begin to explore different areas for using your creativity. If you had no plan, make a solid one. Look at your options. Make a list of the intellectual resources and expertise you acquired over the years. Check out which area could serve in fulfilling the needs met by your previous job. 4. Have a good attitude about aging at retirement. You have to view your age as a positive thing. Do not regard aging as being a time of endless disease, inactivity, or slow death. While accepting the limitations of your age, look on the bright side of retirement; view it as a threshold for new adventure. 232

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5. You may wish to take up a volunteer position in an organization of interest or act as a mentor for less experienced people in your profession. 6. Do not take on more commitments than you can handle. Set aside some time for yourself. It is easy to get overcommitted, especially to volunteer services. 7. If continual flow of money is still a priority, plan to take the retirement in stages by gradually decreasing the number of hours you work per week or taking a less demanding job. Alternatively, you may look for avenues of self-employment. 8. If you plan to relocate or downsize your home during retirement, make the change in phases. (See more tips for relocation and house moves in Chapter 14.) 9. Pay great attention to your health. Use the services of a regular physician who knows your health history. 10. Incorporate moderate physical exercise into your routine. This will boost your metabolism and energy. 11. Eat well. A balanced diet will help improve your vitality. 12. If you have a marital partner, remember that men’s needs at retirement are different from women’s. Try and work out your plans together so that both of you can enjoy this rewarding period of your life. 13. Seek God for wisdom during this phase of your life. Take time out for spiritual renewal during the early phase of your retirement. You need His help to find significance and purpose in your life. 14. Use a support system of other retirees. Join an association that offers services to retirees or to your new creative interest group. 15. Pass on your legacy to the next generation. Spend time with your family. Create memories with your grandchildren. 16. Reach out to others, especially to the younger generation in your community or trade association. Share your wisdom. ADDITIONAL WORDS OF WISDOM Re-discovery of life’s meaning at retirement Retirement is a spiritual passage through which we can find God. In our moments of despair and while we are searching for the true meaning of our existence, we can become in tune with God. It is only through God that we can find true purpose for our lives and His purposes for our lives. 233

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“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11 Assurance of God’s presence at old age Those who trust in God will still produce fruit in their old age; they shall be fresh and flourishing. -Psalms 92:14 (paraphrased). And I'll keep on carrying you when you're old. I'll be there, bearing you when you're old and gray. I've done it and will keep on doing it, carrying you on my back, saving you. -Isaiah 46:4 (The Message translation) For more information on how to establish a personal relationship with God, see Chapter 10. Should you require any more information on the issues of retirement discussed in this chapter, please visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com.

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PART IV

MODIFIED LIVING RELATIONSHIPS

CHAPTER 12 ______________________________

GRANDPARENTING AND EMPTY NESTING Life begins as a quest of the child for the man and ends as a journey by the man to rediscover the child. - Laurens Van der post

FACTS ABOUT GRANDPARENTING Most of the time, becoming grandparents is a welcome change in our lives. It is wonderful that our children have grown up and taken on the responsibility of raising their own families; it gives us a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. The fact that our children are now having their own children assures us that the family tree will continue to grow, that our lineage will continue. Grandparenting presents an exceptional opportunity to pass down the wisdom of the years to a new generation. We might see this as a second chance to give our best to our family or an opportunity to compensate for our deficiencies when raising our own children. In some ways, we are forced to face our childhood while interacting with these youngsters in a more relaxed atmosphere. Grandparents are a stabilizing force in the family unit and, ultimately, society. Grandparents have a unique opportunity to impact the next generation of leaders and exert a positive influence on our communities and the nation at large.

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Benefits For the individual who takes on the noble task of grandparenting, the benefits are numerous. Grandparenting is a great avenue for self-growth and enhancing your sense of well-being. The satisfaction derived from being a resource to your grandchildren, passing on the wisdom of the ages, cannot be underestimated. Leaving a legacy for the future generation invokes a sense of accomplishment and can be fulfilling in terms of our need for immortality. Grandparenting helps you see the world anew through the eyes of a child, which can be very rewarding. Grandparenting may give you a sense of continuity, a reassurance that you are still able to contribute to life. Grandparenting also has long-term benefits. The relationships you develop with your grandchildren when you are still strong and capable often pay off in your later years when you need support from your family. Factors in today’s society that make grandparenting more complex than before Many factors in today’s society have altered the concept of grandparenting. Today’s boomers who have become grandparents are still in the labor force. Thus, the image of a grandparent who has plenty of time to take care of the grandchildren or do baby sitting at any time is rapidly becoming obsolete. The integration of women into the workforce and the fact that many women continue to work past their spouse’s retirement age is changing grandparents’ schedules. Seniors’ healthier lifestyles and the general increase in life expectancy have resulted in their pursuing self-employment or other interests past the traditional retirement age. (See Chapter 11.) The resulting advantage of this trend is that grandparents today have a “wider spectrum of interests, more energy and more ability to share a greater variety of experiences with their grandchildren”.1 Marriage at a later age is becoming more prevalent amongst career people in today’s society; therefore, becoming grandparents is also occurring at a later age. Because of these career issues, grandparents today often live a longer distance away from their grandchildren and have less access to them. Stepgrandparenting resulting from high divorce rates, remarriage, and 238

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blended families is a common phenomenon today. There is more diversity in families today as bi-racial and intercultural unions and adoptions are on the increase. Grandparents are faced with more diversity in their grandchildren than ever before. Skipping a generation: grandparents who raise their grandchildren Of utmost significance amongst the many changes in grandparenting today is the fact that many grandparents are now raising their grandchildren on a full-time basis. Statistics show the prevalence of this increasing trend in today’s society. Of the 3.7 million children in the United States living with grandparents, 1.4 million are doing so without their own parents living with them.2 The Canadian census of 2001 reports that 57,000 grandparents were raising their grandchildren on their own, which is a 20 percent increase from the previous decade.3 Two-thirds of these grandparents were women, and half the children they were raising were 14 or younger.4 This group of grandparents faces a wider range of challenges than do other grandparents. More resources are becoming available for this group as society becomes more aware of their challenging role. (See the Appendix for resources for grandparents raising their grandchildren.) A mother truly becomes a grandmother the day she stops noticing all the terrible things her children do because she’s so enchanted with all the wonderful things her grandchildren do -Susan Bosak 5

CHALLENGES ASSOCIATED WITH BECOMING GRANDPARENTS Inasmuch as it is a welcome change, grandparenting has its own challenges. Traditionally, the fear associated with becoming a first-time grandparent is often linked to the fear of becoming old. In addition, the 239

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challenges of becoming grandparents in today’s society are more diverse. If you are still raising your own children, for example, becoming a grandparent poses a double set of responsibilities. Those grandparents who are still in the workforce may have to juggle work, parenting and grandparenting all at the same time. Today’s grandparents must be able to adapt to evolving family relationships. In the case of separated or divorced parents, access to grandchildren may depend on custody arrangements. Stepgrandparenting resulting from remarriage may pose challenges associated with establishing your identity in an already complex family setting. How will today’s grandparents stay sane while handling all the complexities of their role? How will they rise above the challenges of transition from the first to the second generation of their family tree? Edwards and Sterne6 highlighted important principles for effective grandparenting in today’s world. If you are becoming grandparents for the first time, you need to have a vision of what kind of grandparent you want to be. In your grandparenting role you need to respect and support the parents, be organized but flexible, and be open to new possibilities. While being accepting and positive, you also need to be consistent and reliable. Ability to be playful and spontaneous will definitely add to your popularity. While you are being all these to your grandchildren, it is also essential that you take good care of yourself. EMPTY NESTING IN TODAY’S SOCIETY Although we may not anticipate empty nesting with great enthusiasm, we eventually find ourselves in that situation. As we raise our children, our ultimate desire is that they will reach an age of maturity and take on the responsibility of having their own vocation, home, and perhaps a family. Thus, empty nesting is a natural part of our family’s growth cycle and, in some sense a stage of fulfillment in the life of the parents. What makes entering into the empty nest stage challenging is the huge lifestyle adjustment that it requires. Living without the children you have raised for two decades or longer is definitely a huge change. Living with just your spouse again will take a lot of adjustment because many things have changed since the time you said “I do” to each other. This is why empty nesting contains mixed elements of joy and sadness. 240

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As mentioned above, when today’s boomer generation reaches the empty nest stage, it has a somewhat different experience from that of previous generations. Today’s empty nesters have a different outlook on life; they see this stage of their lives as an opportunity to further advance their growth of explore a new field of interest. On the other hand, because of the increase in divorce rates, remarriage and blended families, many seniors in their empty nest years are experiencing a set of challenges that is different from those experienced by seniors in previous times. Someone who has been through two or more marriages may have wider concerns in terms of grandchildren and stepgrandchildren. A couple who goes through divorce in the senior years will experience greater loneliness without children in their empty nest years. CHALLENGES ASSOCIATED WITH BECOMING EMPTY NESTERS The children are all gone and the house is empty again. You have been married for almost thirty years. How can life ever be ‘normal’ again? Every minute you are awake you wonder what the children are doing. How will they cope without you? How will you spend all your time? These are a few of the questions that come to mind when your last child has just left home. The loss of not having loved ones around, coupled with concern over their well-being are the first emotional reactions to your empty nest. You must now relate to your children from a distance. Your role as parent and teacher has being replaced by a new role as mentor. You are empty nesters, a couple again. The other challenges surface as the days pass. How will you live your ‘new’ life all alone with your old partner? Betty Carter 19977 has noted that the arrival of the first child and the departure of the last are two major transitions requiring great shifts in emotions and behavior. These two periods have been noted to be the points when divorce rates soar. When the last child leaves, unresolved marital issues come to the surface because you and your partner are no longer child-focused. You will also have to figure out how to spend all your new ‘free time’. Ask yourself some questions: How do I renegotiate my relationship with my partner? How does our child’s departure affect our marriage? What kind of interests will I pursue with my extra time? If there are other 241

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change factors in your life when you are experiencing the empty nest, i.e., job-related stress or marital problems, then your child’s leaving may have greater effect on you emotionally. How do you stay sane through all these changes? In their book, The Second Half of your Marriage: facing the eight challenges of the empty nest years,8 David and Claudia Arp cited ways of enjoying your empty nest years. Amongst other challenges, it is important that the partners adjust to changing roles with aging parents and adult children. It is also important to reorient your marriage from being child-focused to being partner-focused. GRANDPARENTING AND EMPTY NESTING AS WE KNOW IT Grandparenting in many forms First wave of grandchildren I (Dave) became a grandparent just over twenty years into my married life. As I mentioned in Chapter 3 - Marriage, my spouse and I had our eldest daughter during the first year of our marriage .She followed in our steps and got married at the young age of nineteen. And just as we did, she and her husband had their first baby very early in their married life. Thus, I experienced joy of becoming a grandparent at the relatively early age of forty-one It was a wonderful experience to see my very own first grandchild, a baby girl. My whole family was thrilled. At that time, our two younger children were in their mid-teen years. They, too, were quite excited to become an uncle and an aunt, respectively at such an early age. I was Pastor of a church in St. Albert at the time. My daughter and her husband brought the baby to our family gettogethers every Monday night. Our attention as a family shifted to this bundle of joy. We had dinner together and played games or watched a movie afterwards. Watching our eldest daughter raise her own child was a unique experience. Our first granddaughter was spoiled by every member of the family. Being a grandfather is stepping out into the dawn-Victor Hugo 242

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In the four years after our first experience as grandparents, our eldest daughter had two more children, another daughter and a son. Thus, I had my first three grandchildren in a space of five years. I refer to this as my ‘first wave’ of grandchildren (see below). The addition of each one of our grandchildren was unique. We were equally thrilled on each occasion. Impact on my career Becoming a grandfather had no major impact on my career, but the status earned me a little more respect in my work circles. A grandparent may be regarded as a ‘sage’ who people look up to for useful advice. As my work involves ministering to people and their needs, this grandfather platform added a few more points to my credibility. Also, my grandfather experience of caring for and babysitting my grandchildren was an empowering tool for my ministry: I was in a better position to relate to younger families with babies and young children. Evolving into our grandparent roles while still raising our own children We were able to adjust well to our grandparenting roles while our two younger children were still at home. They also enjoyed the Monday family nights when our older daughter and her family came to visit. We made major adjustments at Christmas when our grandchildren got more attention than our children. “Grand-fosterparenting or foster-grandparenting?” About ten years into her married life, our eldest daughter, the mother of our three grandchildren, quit her job and decided to foster children. She and her husband took three children into ‘permanent’ foster care in their home. At a later stage, they also adopted the brother of one of the foster children. Thus, they had a family of seven children including their own three. This added some challenges to our grandparent-grandchildren relationship. We decided to accept the foster children and relate to them the same way we did with our biological grandchildren. At that point, the rest of my family and I had moved away from the province of Alberta to New Westminster, British Columbia. We did not have an opportunity to visit with them often because of the long distance. During those infrequent visits, we had to share our time with seven children instead of three. We had to devise ways to reach out to all seven 243

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children. Over the course of their growth, we came to love each member of the family and have bonded well with them. My second wave of grandchildren After the birth of our third biological grandchild, my family had a break of about ten years before welcoming new grandchildren. Our break ended with the birth announcement of our younger daughter’s baby, a boy. This was the beginning of what I refer to as my ‘second wave’ of grandchildren. It was a welcome change for us and we were all very thrilled. Since my last ‘birth’ grandfather experience, my family and I had made many moves. When my fourth grandchild was born, I was in the midst of my mid-life career exploration and was taking a Master’s study program in the seminary. (See Chapter 8.) We were living in New Westminster and our young grandson and his parents lived nearby. I would babysit my new grandson from time to time as my study schedule allowed. It was a welcome experience at that time in my life. Grandparents can do more for us than anyone else in the world; they sprinkle stardust in our eyes-Alex Haley Not too long afterwards, we were blessed with another grandson. My son and his wife had moved to Bellingham and they had a baby boy. In the tradition of our family, he was given names with F.D. initials, thus becoming F.D.IV. We have since been blessed with another granddaughter through our younger daughter. In this way, our grandparenting experience is being renewed and updated. We continue to enjoy the little ones as much as the older ones. All our grandchildren are sources of great joy to us. Relating to our grandchildren Our relationship with our grandchildren is quite different from the one we had with our children when they were young. Among other things, we, as grandparents, are not responsible for disciplining the grandchildren, which gives us more freedom to enjoy them. I have been 244

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able to spend time with my grandchildren doing things they can relate to and that are of interest to them. Since we have a little more money to spend than we had when we were raising our own children, we have been able to spoil our grandchildren with special treats in the form of small, inexpensive gifts. All these things helped us to establish a good relationship with them from an early age. Since we moved to Victoria on beautiful Vancouver Island, we have less access to our grandchildren. Ferry transportation costs and work schedules limit the number of to-and-fro visits we could make, but when we do visit, we try and make the best of the time we have with our grandchildren.

Relating with our children when they are raising their own children Many times when our children were growing up, they thought our approach to discipline was too strict. Tension arose because they wanted to have more input in what they were doing. This was especially true during our younger daughter’s teenage years. We have observed a change in them as they raise their own children. At times they appear to be even stricter and more protective than we were. We have had to advise them to be gentler on their own children—a perfect example of life’s ironies! The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions -Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. My long-term experience as a father has definitely given me a broader outlook on life. I have been through the different phases of parenting. I can better appreciate each of the earlier phases of parenting because I have experience far beyond that stage. My outlook as a grandparent comes from the perspective of someone who has seen a lot. Now, when my children tend to be strict, I can calm them down, knowing the implications of such behavior. As our children now raise their children, they have become closer to us, their parents. They communicate more with my spouse on a regular 245

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basis. The relationship we have with our children has shifted. While they used to criticize us in many areas when they were teenagers, now they look up to us for advice and guidance as they grow their families. We continually offer support to our children in their parenting roles. Relating to our children’s parent-in-laws (the other set of grandparents) We have enjoyed good relationships with the parents-in-law of our children. We are very pleased that we are able to relate to these very important people in our children’ lives. As we share grandparenting roles with these three sets of grandparents, we have been blessed in being able to communicate well with them. Christmastime is a very important part of our family life and a great opportunity to connect with our children and grandchildren. We have clarified the schedules around Christmastime visits so as to give all extended family members a chance to get together with one another. We normally have our children and their families over for breakfast, and they go to their in-laws for supper. This has helped a lot to ease tensions around roles and schedules. Empty-nesting: we made it back to square one but this is different I (Dave) and my spouse had our empty nest experience in the latter part of my pastorate at the New Westminster church, (See Chapter 7) between our first and second wave of grandchildren. My moving around to different pastorates over the years helped me adjust to our empty nest. The experience of living in different towns and working in different environments had enabled me to more easily adapt to various conditions. Our first daughter got married and left home when we were living in St. Albert. During the first years of her marriage, we saw her often because we were living in the same town. Over the course of my ministry life, we moved to a number of other cities with our other two children. While in New Westminster, my son got married and moved to another part of the same town. Not too long after that, my younger daughter got married. We foresaw this when she became involved in the relationship leading to the marriage. Before we knew it, our nest was empty. We felt the emptiness the most when she left. The level of activity in the house decreased 246

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significantly and we felt very lonely. Our little dog helped us adjust to this huge change in our lives. My younger daughter and her spouse also lived in the same town. I remember a funny incident when she moved away from our family house. When she was preparing for her wedding, she vowed that as a married woman she would never live under the same roof as her parents. We had a fifth floor condominium apartment at the time. Just before her wedding, she and her spouse went searching for an apartment to rent. Real estate was booming and rents were much higher than what they had in mind. It turned out that one of the apartments in our building was for sale at the time. They decided to buy the apartment, which was on the third floor of our building. Thus, she ended up ‘living under the same roof’ as her parents! I laugh when I recall this incident. My wife and I got to see our daughter and her husband frequently since they were only two floors away. This helped us a lot in adjusting gradually to our empty nest situation. Eventually, they moved out of the condo and bought a house nearby. A child enters your home and makes so much noise for twenty years that you can hardly stand it, then departs leaving the house so silent that you think you will go mad-John Andrew Holmes In the initial phase of our empty nesting, we realized we were back to square one in terms of the number of people in the family. It did not feel like square one, though. Our empty nest position was quite different from our pre-children days. A lot of water had passed under the bridge. How would we rise above the challenges of this transition phase in our lives? We had to face the reality of adjusting to our new life. We wondered how the children were doing. We also had to deal with the changes in our parenting roles when our children got married and began raising their own families. Rather than having a direct influence on our children; we were now mentors. We were able to see our two younger children often, since they had established their new families in the town where we were living. We had 247

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family get-togethers every Monday night. We spent time together, which helped us to readjust. At a later stage, our son and his family moved to Bellingham, Washington (near Seattle), but we visited each other from time to time. Our move from New Westminster to Victoria added a new dimension to our empty nest experience. Our daughter’s family remained in New Westminster while our son had already moved to Bellingham with his family. Thus, we had less opportunity to get together with them, especially considering the expense of frequent ferry rides. The truth is that the older you get, the closer you want to be with your grandchildren. We certainly found this to be true in our lives. New responsibilities in my empty nest years During our empty nest years, we were free of the direct responsibilities of our children, but we assumed the new responsibilities of caring for our parents. I accepted these new responsibilities, recognizing that this was an entirely different stage in my life. My greatest challenge was coming to terms with the switch in roles with respect to decision-making. When I was younger, I always had my parents to fall back on when making decisions. Now that my parents are older, I have to make their decisions for them. So, not only have I lost the security of my parents to fall back on but I have the added responsibility of making decisions on behalf of them. I find it amazing that we can shift from dependence to independence and back to dependence during our lifetime. Taking care of my older parents has caused some tension. My mom passed away a number of years ago. (See Chapter 14.) My dad is presently living with my sister. Even though I do not have direct responsibility for his care, my sister calls on me often to intervene in the conflicts that arise. Having been a very independent man most of his life, he is finding it difficult to have someone tell him what to do. What makes it even more challenging is the fact that in the West Indian culture, a man is not supposed to take instructions from a woman. In that culture, being ‘pushed around’ by a woman seems to be something a man cannot accept. I continue to make the best of the situation as I adjust to this phase of my life. My spouse and I have been able to embrace the changes and rise above the challenges of transition from the first to the second generation 248

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of our family. Staying sane while adjusting to our empty nest was more challenging, but by supporting each other and walking in faith we have been able to adjust to this phase of our lives. We continue to keep in touch with our children through various means of communication, and we visit each other often.

Never underestimate the influence of grandparents I (Tolu) have yet to see my days of grandparenting, but I would like to share a few recollections of interactions with my paternal grandparents. (I never met my maternal grandparents.) My recollection of my grandmother is sweet. My siblings and I were always eager to visit this ‘mature woman’. She lived in our home town in the south of Nigeria, about an hour’s drive from the town where I lived with my parents. When we visited her, she would sing a special song, a jingle she had made up for me when I was a baby. The jingle says that I, Tolulope, (my full name) do not normally cry, and if I do happen to cry, it must be because of hunger. This jingle has a special tone and I still love it to this very day (even though I no longer cry when I am hungry!) I always enjoyed it when my grandmother spoke the native dialect of my language. This was one of the things that attracted me to her; I thought it was great to be able to speak the rich unadulterated dialect fluently. This dialect had been diluted over the generations. My parents, both from the same home town, also spoke the dialect but it was obvious their version was diluted. My siblings and I did not speak the dialect because we lived in a different town where we used the general form of the language. My siblings and I had the greatest fun trying to imitate my grandmother’s speech. The results were often hilarious.

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent-Sam Levenson 249

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My grandmother sold special bean cakes that she made herself. In fact, she had an alias, a name by which she was called, that signified this trade of hers. She lived in a house that had been built by my dad, which was adjacent to an open field at the end of the street. I always looked forward to visiting with her and staying in a non-congested, relatively peaceful part of town. My grandmother was very pleased when I got married and played her part in passing on the traditional prayers of blessing. She always teased me because I did not marry someone from our hometown. I was not the only one in that category, as many of my other siblings also married from out of town. My grandmother passed away early in my married life. I hold fond memories of her. I believe grandmothers are special. I never met my grandfather, or at least I do not recollect doing so, but I appreciate the significant influence this man has had on my life. I learned more about my grandfather when my father passed away. (See Chapter 14.) I learned how my grandfather, whose name was Emmanuel, had trained his only son (my dad) to always be self-reliant. I believe my dad took this lesson to heart, since he instilled in each one of his children the importance of fending for ourselves and not depending on a relative to do the job for us. My grandfather must have been born around Christmastime, as signified by his given name of Emmanuel. While I was mourning my dad’s death, I remembered a number of our discussions. One of them was on the topic of my name. My dad told me that since he and my mum were expecting my birth around Christmastime, he had expected that I would be a boy and had hopes of giving me the name Emmanuel after his dad (my grandfather). I was born on Christmas Day, so that part came true. Since I turned out to be a girl, my parents gave me another name that signified their gratitude to God for His sovereignty. These events and others have turned out be shaping forces in my destiny. Over the course of my life I have followed paths similar to my dad’s. When I think of the grandfather I never met, I remember that his influence has been passed down to me in many ways. In similar fashion, I would like to encourage the grandparent who is reading this book to realize the golden opportunity you have to influence the lives of future generations. As a grandparent, you have great potential to make an impact on the lives of your family, the community, and the 250

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nation. You can do this by passing down the wisdom of the ages to your grandchildren. The legacy you leave behind will benefit them in numerous ways. DEALING WITH CHALLENGES DURING THE FIRST YEAR OF BECOMING GRANDPARENTS (See the Appendix for more resources for grandparents raising their own grandchildren) 1. Recognize that grand-parenting is a continually evolving role, which may involve complex relationships with your children, your children’s in-laws, and your step children. These complex relationships will require you to be flexible and be able to adapt to different situations. 2. Determine upfront what kind of grandparent you would like to be. Envision your new life. If your grandchildren write about you when they grow up, what would you like them to remember about you? 3. Clarity your role as a grandparent with your children, the parents of your grandchildren. Discuss the expectations for your role (theirs and yours). 4. Tensions may arise in your role and the parents’ role in guiding your grandchildren because of the generation gap. Let go of your need to be right or to be in control. Show respect for the parents’ opinions and support them in every possible way. 5. The ability to balance family obligations without interfering is a positive tool for the role of grandparents. Equip yourself with this tool. 6. Make up your mind to be there for your grandchildren as much as your schedule allows. The definition of being there for them will evolve as they grow up, but making up your mind to be available is the first step in the right direction. 7. In your new grandparenting role, do not neglect your other children who are still at home. Find ways of handling the additional responsibilities without neglecting your other children’s needs. When your grandparenting role clashes with your parenting role, examine your options and make the best decision for the occasion. 8. Take good care of yourself. It is very easy to get absorbed in all the tasks that need immediate attention. Eat well and continue to maintain your physical well-being. 251

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9. Seek strength and wisdom from God. You will need these as you juggle your new role and your previous responsibilities. 10. Combining grandparenting with your career life requires the flexibility to adapt to what is practical. Have realistic expectations about fulfilling your role as a grandparent. DEALING WITH CHALLENGES DURING THE FIRST YEAR OF BECOMING EMPTY NESTERS 1. Pause, acknowledge, and mourn the past. You have returned to square one without children at home. Realize it is not quite the square one that you were in before you had any children. Much water has passed under the bridge. 2. List your deepest fears about the change. You will miss your children, their activities, the conversations, the company, and the noise. Keep a journal. Putting your feelings, fears, and joys into written form helps to put things into perspective. Also try to look at the positive aspects: more free time, simpler meals, a house that will stay clean, time to work out and keep in shape, and the quiet environment. 3. Resolve differences between you and your partner. The children have gone, so you can’t use them as ‘hiding places’ for your disappointment, anger, and hurt feelings. 4. Work out effective ways of communicating with your partner. 5. Renew romance between you and your partner. Find effective ways to build a deeper friendship with your partner. Concentrate on the good things that brought you together in the first place. Go on a trip with your spouse. Rediscover each other’s interests. 6. Recognize that your children are grown up and no longer under your roof. Work out new means of guiding them in their grown-up life. Keep in touch with them. You are now a mentor, not a disciplinarian. 7. Find some activity or some creative passion that will engage your mind and time. Take on new interests and hobbies. Write a ‘business plan’ for the years ahead. Fill it with interesting activities. Make a list of things you want to do and learn. Act on them one by one, and then check them off your list. 8. If you are not in full-time employment, consider volunteering your services for an organization that would benefit from them. You have to shift your outlook to the outside world. 252

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9. Know that your family is unique. Avoid comparing another family’s empty nest experience with yours in terms of scoring for success. 10. Seek strength from God for this new phase of your life. Rediscover your purpose in life apart from your children. Take time for things of God. (See Chapter 10 to find out more about this.) 11. Seek professional help if necessary, especially if other underlying factors of change are affecting your life. ADDITIONAL WORDS OF WISDOM Paul, a follower of Jesus, confirmed the importance of a grandmother in passing on the wisdom of the ages to her second generation: I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that lived first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, lives in you -2 Timothy 1:5 Should you require any more information on the issues of grandparenting discussed in this chapter, please visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com

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CHAPTER 13 ______________________________

DEATH OF A LOVED ONE Change and decay in all around I see, O Thou, who changest not, abide with me -Henry Francis Lyte

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DEATH OF A LOVED ONE IS THE MOST CHALLENGING OF ALL LOSSES Losing a loved one is the most traumatic event in everybody’s life. The level of trauma induced by the loss is determined by how close the loved one is to the survivor. As mentioned in Chapter 5 – Divorce, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe’s social readjustment rating scale1 attempts to quantify the impact of different stressful events in terms of the extent to which a person would need to readjust his or her established lifestyle in order to adapt to the situation. On a scale of 0–100, the death of a spouse rates as 100, that of a close family relative (other than a spouse) rates as 63, while the death of a close friend rates as 37. This shows to what extent the death of a loved one can affect our lives. It induces a number of enormous changes in our lives. The vastness of the induced change is shown by the fact that we are often propelled in totally new directions by this change. It is a fact that loss through death is a natural part of life, and no one is immune from it. The paradox is that death means no life, and human beings would rather live forever.

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Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides -Lao Tzu Many times death happens quickly, but the grief and sorrow of the loved ones left behind may be profound. There are no easy words to come to terms with the loss. What does one say to a young married man with school-aged children, the parents who must bury their son, children who must come to terms with the loss of their dad, mentor, helpmate and workmate, a spouse who has lost her soul mate, or brothers and sisters who grieve the loss of their best friend? A mother who has lost her son asks, “Will I live through this and will I ever stop crying?” Her loved one is gone forever. The vacuum left by the death of our dearly beloved never fills. Each person occupies a unique role in our lives. Grieving a lost loved one is a necessary part of letting go of that which is intrinsic to our life as we know it. Grief is an all-encompassing spiritual reality. Mourning is a process of gradually grieving the loss of the deceased, a process whereby we come to terms with the fact that the loved one is actually gone. In time, we will come to accept reality and move forward as and when we choose, as things come into focus. The grieving process allows us to begin life anew, but the initial phases of grief are difficult and involve much soul-searching. The phases of grieving the loss of a loved one In Chapter 1 we discussed the different phases of adjusting to change: recognizing the change, denial and anger, acceptance, and moving forward. Many change situations involve the loss of something—a job, a house, an environment, a situation. The death of a loved one is the most traumatic in that we must grieve the loss of someone very important to us. In grieving the loss of a loved one, we also go through a number of phases. We are all unique individuals and our processes of grieving are not identical, but most individuals will go through the majority of these phases of grieving: 256

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Shock and Denial Shock is a first reaction to the unexpected departure of a loved one. Denial goes hand-in-hand with shock as you refuse to believe the reality of the death. Anger At this stage you are angry at what you perceive to be the unfairness of death and begin to ask, “Why me?” At times you may project your anger onto others. Bargaining Here you try to strike a deal with God, proposing to give up some enjoyable thing in your life in exchange for the return of the lost person. Guilt Feeling guilty for the things you did or did not do to prevent the loss of the dead person is part of the grieving process. You need to forgive yourself and accept your limitations as a human being. Depression In the initial stages, you may feel a great sense of loss. This takes its toll, often leading to mood fluctuations and feelings of isolation and withdrawal. It may take you some time to get back to your old level of social interaction. Loneliness You may feel lonely and afraid as you go through changes in your social life. As you reach out to others and make new friends, this feeling of loneliness will decrease. Acceptance Acceptance means coming to terms with the reality of your loss. You must take this step to be able to move on.

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Hope You will eventually reach this stage where remembering will be less painful. You can then begin to look ahead to the great prospects in the future. Thus, the process of grieving the death of a loved one involves a range of changing emotions: anger, denial, and depression. You will fluctuate many times between the various phases. Your relationship to the deceased greatly influences your grieving process. Each person’s relationship with another person is unique. No matter what your relationship to the deceased was, you will seek to fulfill basic needs in your grieving process. It is essential that you have your sorrow acknowledged by someone else. It is also very important to not put a time limit on the grief process. Challenges associated with dealing with the loss of a loved one A multitude of challenges are associated with the loss of a loved one. While the big picture is the challenge of coping with life itself in the absence of the loved one, each phase of the grieving process has its unique set of challenges. Emotional struggles abound in the grieving process, at times leading to forgetfulness and depression. As a close relative who survives a deceased person, you may lose your sense of security, financially or otherwise. Self-esteem or identity issues may also come into play. Trying to rediscover who you are without your loved one is a major issue. As a spouse of a deceased person, you will face a greater number of challenges. The big issue of losing your spouse’s companionship is reflected in all areas of your life. You will feel extremely lonely, especially in the initial phases. At times feelings of guilt may abound in your emotional struggles. Your new independence was forced upon you. At times you may feel unable to cope with this heavy burden. Your sense of personal value may decrease, and relationships with your partner’s family may be affected. If you and your deceased partner were homeowners, you may need to consider your residence options without your partner. You may have to take other financial considerations into account, especially if the deceased was the breadwinner of the family. Your retirement dreams have been totally shattered and life will never be the 258

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same again. You will have to make considerable lifestyle adjustments to accommodate the absence of your partner. All in all, many complex and challenging issues are associated with the loss of a loved one. Recovery takes time, attention, and work. Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live

-Norman Cousins

In his book, Healing your grieving heart,2 Alan Wolfert offers some action-oriented tips for embracing your grief. Wolfert describes grief as a collection of internal thoughts and feelings, while mourning is an outward expression of grief. Confirming the need to express our grief outwardly by mourning, Wolfert asserts that over time and with the support of others to mourn is to heal. When grieving, we are to slow down, turn inward to embrace our feelings of loss, and seek and accept support. This attitude of selfcompassion during grief is necessary in order to discover the fullness of living and loving again. Among other things, when mourning, do not be afraid to use the name of the deceased. Telling the story of the circumstances relating to the death over and over again is also a vital part of healing in the grief process. The second year after a major loss The second year after a loss has been described as the loneliest for the surviving spouse. In his book, Life after Loss, Bob Deits3 gave a threeword formula for shaking off loneliness: Release, Reorient, Reconnect. This is especially relevant in the second year after a major loss of a loved one through death. Releasing the emotional attachment to the part of your life that has been lost is necessary if you are to fully recover your balance. Reorienting your interests and activities in new directions is the next step in grief recovery. You may spend time helping other bereaved people, developing new friendships, and taking on some community service. Reconnecting to the present will help you to move on in the new directions of your reorientation. 259

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Individuals who have lost a loved one may also have other life changing events occurring in their lives. For instance, an individual who has lost a spouse may also have a new boss in the workplace. Such complex, superimposed changes can leave us totally stuck. How will we stay sane amidst the complexity of such changes? How will we rise above the associated challenges and move on with life? We (Dave and Tolu) have both lost loved ones, and some of the prevailing circumstances occurred on top of complex events. WE HAVE BOTH HAD TO GRIEVE THE LOSS OF VERY CLOSE RELATIVES Dave Of my (Dave) close relatives, my father-in-law, was the first one to pass away. His death, which happened during the early phase of my pastorate in New Westminster, was a traumatic experience for both my wife and me. A fall in the house resulted in his death, creating an emptiness in our lives. I missed him a lot because I had developed a close relationship with him over the course of my married life. I visited him at his farm and we went hunting and fishing together. He had become a close friend. He enjoyed my family’s company and always looked forward to having us around. He read a lot and liked to talk about a wide variety of subjects. His passing away brought a huge change in our lives. My mother-in-law was left on their farm by herself. She had the option of moving into a residential home but she preferred to not move there immediately. We were concerned about her staying alone by herself. The farm was a few miles away from the nearest hospital. We invited her to come live with us, but she decided against it. We knew she needed to move out of the farm and sell it. I experienced first hand that families may not be the first interest of a surviving spouse because of financial considerations. In my ministry experience, I found that the surviving spouse often feels tense and pressured during the decision-making process. Issues about inheritance and what is convenient for the children prevail, which may not necessarily be the best for the surviving spouse.

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A man’s dying is more the survivors’ affair than his own -Thomas Mann At the time of her husband’s death, my mother-in-law still had a clear, active mind. She wanted to go and live in a home that was near the farm because some of her friends were there. This did not work out well. She found that she could not relate to these friends anymore because their minds were not as clear as before. Some of them even had Alzheimer’s disease. Eventually we got her to move to a home in Leduc, and we and other members of her family took turns checking on her on a regular basis. About five years after the death of my father-in-law, my mother also passed away. This sad event happened during the latter part of my pastorate in New Westminster. Both my parents were living with my sister in New Jersey at the time of my mother’s death. (They had a suite adjoining my sister’s house.) My mother had been in and out of hospital for some time before her death. She was hospitalized during the last month of her life. My son and I spent a week with her during her illness. My mom had always been fond of my son because he was her only grandson. Her memory was good to the end. My mom died a few days after we returned home from the visit, so we went back to New Jersey for the funeral.

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love

-Washington Irving

My mom was very close to all her children and very supportive of all of us. She sometimes called me when she was a bit discouraged. During such periods, the connection between us was reassuring and uplifting for me. What I miss most about my mom is her calls. I am always grateful 261

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for the short visit I had with her before she died. I have fond memories of her, and those memories have helped to ease the pain of my loss. After my mother died, we became very concerned about how my father would cope, especially with regard to household chores. But my father had become very domesticated, since he took care of my mum during the last few months of her life. He has since taken up gardening, which has helped him divert his energy into something relaxing. Since my dad’s suite is next door to my sister’s house, my sister is directly responsible for his care. This arrangement poses some challenges, as I mentioned in Chapter 12, but we are adjusting to this new phase of our lives. We lost my mother-in-law about three months after my mom’s death. Two major losses within a short period of time was a huge blow to our family and created another hole in our lives. Events after the loss of an elderly loved one almost always revolve around the sharing of the family wealth. What helped us in the case of my parents-in-law was the fact that they had taken care of all the financial matters before they passed away. Years before my mother-in-law died, she set up a joint account with each of her children with instructions that those accounts were not to be touched until her death. When she died, this arrangement helped to dispel arguments and fights over the issue of sharing funds. The executor did not have to do much after the funerals, since the upfront preparation had diffused any potential disputes over inheritance. My mother-in-law’s death closed a chapter in our family’s life. While she was alive, the family had reasons for getting together. Since her death, we have not had any solid reason to go to Alberta and visit with my spouse’s other folks, so we do not get together as often as before. This closing of a chapter helps the growth of each of our nuclear families. My family and those of my wife’s siblings are now the oldest in our generation, the topmost in our family tree who are still living. This means that we do not have older people to provide support. All the support we used to receive from her parents is gone. The family mediator and reconciler have been laid to rest. Coming to realize these facts has been a reawakening for us. God is now our sole support. Over the years I have lost several very close relatives in my family. My father-in-law’s passing seems to have been the biggest in terms of 262

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huge changes in our family. My spouse and I have had occasion to look back and celebrate the lives of her parents and my mother. In our celebrations, we revere the memories of the good times we had together with our folks when they were alive. This gives us courage to move forward. We take a step of faith to rise above the challenges posed by our losses. Tolu I (Tolu) lost my parents at an early stage in my life. As I mentioned in Chapter 4 - Parenting, my mother passed away a few days after the birth of my last baby. I was in my mid-thirties and living in England, far away from home. My father died about seven years after my mom. At that time I had become resident in Canada, which is even further away from home. Both of my parents died during periods of other concurrent lifechanging events in my life. These periods were moments of spiritual awakening for me. My mother’s death greatly impacted my motherhood. My father’s passing has significantly impacted my career as well as many other aspects of my life as a whole. Mom My mom passed away after a period of illness. She had been in and out of hospital for a couple of months. The news came as a shock to me because my siblings and I were very hopeful that she would recover from her illness. I had not seen her in the six years prior to her death because I had left Nigeria to study in England. My family had kept in touch with her and my dad by telephone, by mail, and by exchanging messages through friends traveling between England and Nigeria. My dad did come to visit us once in England, which was very refreshing As an immigrant, I grieved the loss of my mom in an unusual way. My memories of my mom were based mainly on my experiences growing up in our home. Under normal circumstances I would have gone home for my mom’s funeral. Getting together with my siblings and family at the funeral would have been a way to share my grief with close relatives. 263

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But, as I mentioned earlier, at the time I had just given birth to a bouncing baby girl. What a paradox—a mixture of sadness and joy! A big loss and a big gift at the same time! Just as Sally Robertson did in Chapter 1, I looked at my options, analyzed my expectations, and made a decision. I realized that if my mother had been alive, her utmost desire would have been to see her new granddaughter well cared for. It would have thrilled her to see her little granddaughter grow up in the best nurturing environment. I recognized that a good way to honor my mother at her death would be to pursue what she would have loved. For this reason I decided to stay in England and take care of my new baby girl. In mourning my mother, I relished the good memories of the woman she was. My mother was a firm woman who was very solid in her beliefs; no one could shake her. She was self-motivated and did not allow anything to hinder her in pursuing her goals. She did not tolerate laziness. One of her favorite sayings was that you cannot evade your responsibilities by traveling far away, as they will still be there waiting for you when you get back from the trip. In all her firmness, my mother was a very loving woman who cared for her family deeply. She ensured that all our needs were well met. I very much cherish the memory of my mom. When I was mourning her, I shared with close friends how she jealously guarded me as a girl. She saw to it that I was raised to be self-sufficient as a woman. She took extra care to ensure this because in my late teen years I spent a lot of time working with my dad in the pharmacy he had then just started. The demands of a retail and wholesale pharmacy business could easily have engulfed her daughter, but she insisted that I have some time off pharmacy duties in order to practice being a woman. This has paid off well in my married life. Becoming motherless and a mother again simultaneously In dealing with two life-changing events simultaneously, I derived a lot of courage from my faith in God to stay sane through the changes. I also got considerable help from my family and friends during the period of my simultaneous joy and grief. My first reaction when I heard the mixed 264

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news was “Why?” and “Why now?” What would I do? The situation was complex. To which of the elements do I respond? They were both very important events that changed my life significantly. I had just become motherless and a mother again. I did feel somewhat guilty about being so far away that I could not intervene in the matter of my mom’s death, but I came to realize that since we are human, the affairs of life and death belong to God. After a deep search inside me, I had a spiritual awakening. I recognized the fact that I had been given a unique opportunity to reconnect with my childhood in two ways. The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her Although the loss of my mother had removed a significant part of my childhood, I had also been given the responsibility of fashioning a new baby’s childhood at the same time. I realized the best way to engage in the legacy of motherhood that my mother had handed me was to be a good mother to the new life I had just been given. I had always done my best in my duties as a mother to my two boys, but this was a new opportunity to combine the mothering of my older ones with that of a new baby. This spiritual awakening helped to me to rise above the challenges of this double transition in my life. One other comforting aspect was that my mom at least heard the news of the birth of her granddaughter even though she never got to see the new life. This gave me further reassurance about moving forward in my mothering duties. I have since gone back to my country and visited my siblings. I have gone to the cemetery and visited my mother’s grave. These actions were necessary in my grieving process. I believe my mom has gone to be with God in Heaven. Her spirit could not be held by that grave. I have come to terms with her passing. Dad My dad passed away in Nigeria seven years after my mom’s death. In Chapter 8, I discussed some of the superimposed changes that occurred when my dad died. Four months prior to my dad’s death, I had lost my 265

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position in a biotechnology firm and was looking for career positions elsewhere. In fact, I was almost sure we would relocate to another city as a family. I was the higher income earner in the family and we had relocated to our current town at the time because of my job. I received the news of my dad’s death while I was in the process of job hunting. I was totally crushed. My dad had been sick for a few years. My siblings and I had been grieving for him for some time as his condition deteriorated. We were being hopeful he might miraculously heal. On the other hand, we were semi-prepared should he not get better, so the news was not sudden. What made it compelling was the timing. The question that came to my mind was “Why now?” My dad was a man of the people At the moment of my loss, I celebrated my dad’s life by reliving the good times we had together while I was growing up. Even though I am the fourth of eight children and my position in the family is not conspicuous I still managed to enjoy a good relationship with my dad. He had a very friendly disposition and was a man of the people wherever he went. He was very popular in his neighborhood, his workplace, and his church. My dad was a staunch man of faith and he taught his children to be the same. My dad instilled in each of us the attitude of self-sufficiency. In my late teen years and after my graduation from pharmacy school, I worked with my dad in his pharmacy for varying lengths of time and we developed a special bond. I was the first of his children to follow him in his profession. That brought us closer; he was not only my dad but also my mentor. Love is stronger then death even though it cannot stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries, it cannot separate people from love. It cannot take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.

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As a mentor, my dad believed in me and gave me every available opportunity to develop my potential. Having him as a dad earned me a lot of respect in professional circles. I could have continued working with him for longer and maybe taken on one of the pharmacies he subsequently owned, but instead I left to pursue my own line of interest in academics and subsequently got married. Leaving home to work somewhere else was difficult. The act of departure had a double significance: leaving my parents’ home and leaving my dad’s employment. I did this to pursue my heart’s desire, but I still kept in close touch with my dad. My dad even came to visit us in England. My family and I enjoyed every moment of that visit. I also had an opportunity to go back home and visit my dad after my family immigrated to Canada. (My mom had passed away by then.) By that time, my dad had become ill and was not as strong as he used to be. That was the last time I saw him. I am grateful that I made that connection with him before he passed away. My dad has had a great influence on my life and I will always cherish his memories. Passing on a legacy In mourning my dad, I took a look at his later life. I remember he had switched careers late in life, from pharmacy to becoming a full-time pastor. That had been surprising to my siblings and me. I recalled that one of his long-term wishes was for one of his eight children to become a full-time pastor. It turned out that none of us took that path during my dad’s lifetime. As I mentioned in Chapter 8, my dad sold his pharmacies in his late fifties and attended a seminary to train to become a full-time minister. Upon completion of his training, he laid some groundwork for a new church in an area previously without one. He and about ten families started from scratch, meeting in one of the members’ homes. Later he pioneered a church building project. During the course of his ministry, my mom passed away. My dad continued on with his life as a single man engaging in his ministry full-time, but after a number of years he became sick and had to resign his pastoral appointment. He was sick for a long time before he passed away. I reviewed the sequence of events in my life the year before my dad’s death. I discovered that in virtually all areas of my life I had been receiving gentle nudges in the direction of a career of full-time ministry. 267

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My dad’s death was the peak of those earlier nudges, and I resolved to comply fully with those hints that were confirmed by his death. His death served as a propelling force in my move forward in the new direction. I stopped all my job hunting and applied to a seminary in a Christian university that offered graduate programs. My attendance at the seminary was a process through which I was gradually liberated to follow my destiny. As I went through this gradual process, I was able to rejoice that I was following my destiny, a path that my dad would have loved to see me follow. It was a great way to honor and celebrate his legacy. He had passed the baton to me in a unique way. This enlightening was a liberation in itself and I was able to rise above the challenges of the complex transitions. Following my destiny was also a means of healing in the course of grieving for my dad. It has helped me to move forward. As in the case of my mom, I mourned my dad in an unusual way. I was able to rise above the challenges posed by my becoming a ‘fatherless’ adult child. I received spiritual awakening in the concurrent events that happened at the time of his death. The combination of these events and his death pointed me in the direction of my destiny, my calling to take on full-time ministry. With faith in God, I am now following through with the legacy my dad left behind at his death. With both my parents gone, I have become an adult orphan. Like Dave, I realize my siblings and I are at the peak of our family tree, the topmost generation that is alive. That thought is both stunning and inspirational at the same time. The motivation to live my life as a tribute to the great legacy from my parents is strong. I desire to pass on a good legacy to my children and my children’s children. GENERAL TIPS FOR DEALING WITH THE CHALLENGES OF GRIEVING THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE (See more resources in the Appendix.) The death of a loved one is a very traumatic event. Seeking professional help in your grieving process is of utmost importance. The challenges of each phase of your grieving process are different. Below are some general tips that can help you rise above some of the challenges of the loss of your loved one: 268

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1. Recognize that loss and grieving are natural parts of life. The process of grieving your loss is not unusual. It is all right to grieve. 2. Get some grief counseling. This is especially important for a spouse or a very close relative of the deceased. Talk to a member of the clergy, the leader of your faith group, or a professional grief counselor. 3. Know that your feelings of overwhelming sadness will diminish after some time. 4. Bottling up emotions and trying to keep them in check is not the right way to achieve healing. You need to express your grief by crying. 5. Share your grief with your close friends and companions. Sharing will lift your burden. Share your grief with a counselor or someone who has a compassionate listening ear. Discuss feelings such as loneliness, anger, and sadness openly and honestly with other family members and friends. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares-Henri Nouwen 6. In grieving, do not be afraid to talk about the person you lost. Sharing your experiences with others in conversations and support groups will help you adapt to your loss. 7. Join a support group. A group of other people who have experienced loss is a good source of support for you, especially during the first few months. 8. Seek strength from God and His words. 9. Learn to accept the present limitations. Things will not be the same as they were when the loved one was still around. 10. Believe that you will make it through the process. Maintain hope. Know that there are times you may feel overwhelmed. At other times you may feel lighter. This is all part of the process. 11. Take good care of yourself. Eat and rest well. Even though you may not feel like it, try to eat at your normal times. You need the energy and emotional strength. 269

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12. Be patient with yourself. It takes time to heal. Some days will be better than others. Know that mourning takes time. Allow time for the pain of your loss to be healed. 13. Do not be afraid to receive help from the community. Realize that you are not alone in your struggles. 14. Know that even though it is very challenging, this phase could be part of a personal growth process for you. You can still have a meaningful and satisfying life after a major loss. Going through the grief journey with appropriate tools will help you rise above the challenges of the huge change in your life caused by the death of a loved one. 15. For a surviving spouse: (a) Recognize that trying to combine your spouse’s role with yours will take a lot of your time and energy. Try and relax some of the rules around the house. Get help from friends and family in your chauffeur duties. Join a support group that offers resources to the single parent. (b) Establish or join a support group to help deal with these areas and to help improve the skills others lack or did not develop. JESUS AS OUR MODEL Jesus wept for Lazarus Jesus was a close friend to the family of Mary and Martha. In a deeply moving Bible story, Lazarus, the brother of these two sisters, had just died. The narration of the events shows us how Jesus reacted on the occasion of the loss of a very close friend, Lazarus. The heart of Jesus was revealed in that He wept for Lazarus. The fact that Jesus wept shows that grief is a normal reaction to loss. The narrator said Jesus identified with the grief of this family. He showed us that crying is not an act of cowardice; it is part of the grieving and healing process. Jesus expressed His emotions in the death of a loved one. The people who saw Jesus noted through his weeping that He actually loved the family. He grieved with them even though He knew He was going to raise Lazarus. Jesus thus dispelled the myth that weeping is for the weak. Hope for mourners Another way that Jesus revealed His heart concerning mourning is in His notable beatitudes, given as part of his sermon on the mount. 270

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Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted

Matt 5:4

In this, Jesus promised hope for the mourners, implying that a period of grief is not the end of life. You need to be willing to be vulnerable during times of loss. Expressing your grief in a time of loss is part of your vulnerability. Jesus’ disciples grieved Him Another example we find amongst the followers of Jesus was the way they reacted at the moment of the loss of their leader and mentor. When Jesus died, His disciples grieved Him. They lost all hope. The world as they knew it had fallen apart. Many of them had left their jobs and everything they had to follow Him. And now Jesus was gone. They were unable at that time to see further, to see that they were on the verge of something so great that it is still continuing in our presentday world. The reaction of these people at the moment of their major loss also confirms to us the importance of mourning as part of our ability to rise above the challenges of the transition of death.

WORDS OF COMFORT FOR THOSE WHO MOURN The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever -Psalm 23 271

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Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest -Matthew 11:28 … the God of all healing counsel comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. -2 Corinthians 1:3b, 4 (The Message translation) Should you require any more information on aspects of loss of a loved one through death discussed in this chapter, please visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com.

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PART V

THE EARTH IS THE LORD’S; HE’S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS

CHAPTER 14 ______________________________

RELOCATION AND HOUSE MOVES It is not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it’s that place in between that we fear…. It is like being between two trapezes. It is Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There’s nothing to hold on to. - Marilyn Ferguson

FACTS ABOUT RELOCATION AND HOUSE MOVES Relocation has been cited as the third most stressful situation a person could experience, exceeded only by death and divorce. In Chapter 1 we met Brad and Sally Robertson, who had just relocated their family as a result of Brad’s career re-assignment. The mayhem we found in their family life before and after the relocation portrays the extent to which moving to a new environment affects each member of the relocating family. In that chapter, using relocation as an example, we identified the challenges posed by changes in our lives in general. In this current chapter our discussions centre on the social and family aspects of house moves. Using examples of our experiences in local, inter-provincial, and international relocations, we elaborate on the challenges associated with moving into a new environment.

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General facts and statistics Moving house locally or relocating to a new city or country is often quite exciting. The newness of almost every aspect of your life makes the prospect exciting: new city, new country, new job, greater economic benefits, travel, different and intriguing life styles, and new people to meet. All these offer something to anticipate in the big picture. But house moves and relocation carry varying levels of stress. Relocating your residence across the country may be quite nervewracking. International relocations, which sometimes involve immigration across continents, pose extraordinary levels of challenge. Relocation is taking on greater significance in the domestic and international realm as North American and European companies expand globally. Nearly one million Americans relocate for purposes of a job each year.1 The average family moves about 12 times.2 Reasons for relocation and house moves Relocation is mostly due to career pursuits. A family may move to a city where an educational institution is located so it more convenient for a member of the family to take on a long-term course of study. On the other hand, established professionals are required by their companies to relocate to other cities to accommodate the global expansions and staffing needs of such workplaces. These companyinspired relocations may be across country or even international. Members of the armed forces face deployments on a frequent basis, some of which are long-term and require their families to move with them. On the other hand, people change houses for other reasons. Such local house moves are often due to changes in family composition. A young couple may move out of a smaller house to a bigger one to accommodate their growing family. Conversely, an older couple who has recently become empty nesters may downsize their family home and move to a smaller house. Others may move in order to be closer to important amenities such as schools for the children, public transit, or the workplace. There are many other ‘real estate’ reasons for changing houses that involve the presence or absence of a particular feature, such as a view of the ocean, the size of the yard, remodeling requirements, or the type of neighborhood in general. 276

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Challenges associated with relocation and house moves In most cases, relocation typically combines three of life's greatest disruptions into one: the individuals are most likely changing jobs, buying or selling a home, and separating from one community to join another, all at the same time.3 Thus, multi-faceted changes must be dealt with during relocation and house moves. In Chapter 7, we discussed the job change aspects of relocation challenges. In this chapter, our focus is on the challenges of dealing with a change in residence as well as a change in the community and environment. On the whole, everything that forms the foundation of your lives changes during relocation and house moves. You need to adjust your normal routines such as shopping, banking, and transportation. Educational arrangements for the children change. Social and recreational events and patterns change. Your entire routine changes, and things that you have done for years, mostly without much thought, have to be re-learned and performed in new ways. Some of these lifestyle adjustments are not easy and you may seem to lose control over your life While your new circumstances might actually be improvements on the old, the process of adjusting can be quite stressful. Relocation stress is magnified in an overseas move, when the family is plunged into culture, language, and customs that are new and strange. Apart from the huge lifestyle adjustments, relocation to a new environment imposes other major challenges in the areas of your personal support networks, your job performance, your relationship with your partner, and dealing with your children’s needs. You and your family left behind old friends, neighbors, and extended family members in the old environment. Bob Deits 4 asserts that the shock attached to relocating comes when we first confront the strangeness of our new environment. Your support system is gone. Who will you talk to in this strange place? In many cases, you have to deal with cultural changes. How do you find out the acceptable norms of this new society? You may feel lack of affirmation in the new environment. You may have feelings of insecurity. You may have fears about whether you will be accepted by your new neighbors. The relocation might also impact your 277

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job performance. A new working environment, new colleagues, new reporting or organizational structures are all huge changes in your life. Developing a new support system of friends, finding camaraderie at work, and sorting out office politics and logistics may take some time. Aware of the need to work harder to survive the change, you, the transferee, may have to spend extra hours on the job. This may make you less available to your spouse and family at a time when they need you to help them adjust to the new life. Your spouse may feel neglected, sad, and angry if this pattern continues. Your spouse may also be struggling with career issues if the move meant leaving a meaningful job in order to support the relocation. Apart from handling household issues, your spouse may need to find a new job in his or her career, or pursue options in another career. Feelings of being unfulfilled and the pressures of a new job search may lead to more tensions in the home. Thus, relocation may have a tremendous impact on your relationship with your partner. A 1998 report from the Employee Relocation Council in Washington, D.C., illustrated that the annual separation rate for relocated employees was 2.4 times higher than that of non-previously relocated employees: 12.3 percent versus 4 percent.3 Another major factor is dealing with your children’s needs. Finding the right school and the right caregivers for them is essential in their adjustment to the new environment. They have to develop new friends and get used to new teachers and a new school system. Children need your parental support and guidance to help them settle down in their new environment. The challenges of relocation are numerous. The huge number of lifestyle adjustments may leave the individual unable to cope with the demands of the new lifestyle. In fact, in medical circles, the disease referred to as relocation stress syndrome has been accepted as a real diagnosis.5 The physical signs of this relocation-induced disease include backaches, headaches, stomachaches, high blood pressure and greater susceptibility to disease and infection, while emotional symptoms may vary from irritability to depression. Communication, understanding the fears of the patient, and daily reassurance will eventually ease these symptoms. 278

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With these multi-faceted challenges, how will you stay sane during house moves? How will you rise above the challenges of settling into your new environment after relocation? Effective planning and good communication with all the parties involved before and after the move will help to reduce the stress associated with relocations. According to Solomon,6 getting as much information as possible about your new locality before you leave the old one will help you familiarize yourself with what to anticipate. Once you arrive in the new city, effective communication with everyone involved will help you and your family support each other in the adjustment process. Finding advisors in the new community or at the visitor’s information bureau will be a good source of support for you as you navigate your new environment.

BOTH OF US HAVE RELOCATED AND MOVED HOUSE LOCALLY AND INTERNATIONALLY As mentioned in Chapter 7 - Career Moves, we (Dave and Tolu) relocated and moved a considerable number of times to accommodate our career moves or to pursue further education. In that chapter, our focus was on the career aspects of the relocations. In the current chapter, our discussions revolve around the social and family life aspects of the moves. The stimulus for most of our local house moves was family need such as an increase in family size or the availability of some services. On the other hand, our inter-city, interprovincial, and international moves were all made for career reasons. We have here recounted some examples of our moves that best illustrate the challenges associated with relocation and house moves. Tolu Homeless in London? - A unique intra-city house move My family and I (Tolu) moved around a lot while living in London, England—four houses in a seven-year period. One of the most remarkable experiences we had in house moves in London was the day 279

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we became ‘homeless for one day’. Homeless in London? That cannot be. Being homeless in London is ‘impossible’ for an individual who has emigrated from Nigeria. People back home in Nigeria cannot relate to a story about having no home in London, even for one day. When you leave Nigeria to go abroad, every one imagines you are going to a land flowing with milk and honey, a perfect world where no problems exist. The reason for the move and the circumstances around it When I first arrived in London, I lived in a suite in an elderly woman’s house that was not too far from my research laboratory. I had left Nigeria without my family to pursue a course of study toward a Ph.D. degree. (See Chapter 7 - Career Moves.) (The first scholarship I had obtained for the program made no contribution to family support, so I had to go by myself in the beginning.) Six months later, my husband came over with our two young boys. By the time they arrived, I had moved into accommodation that I had obtained courtesy of a friend I had previously known in Nigeria. She sublet it to me because she was going back to Nigeria for a very long stay. The house - location, distance from work, utilities The accommodation was a very spacious, one-bedroom apartment on the first floor of a continuous row of side-by-side flats. Although it had just one bedroom, it was quite adequate for us because of the spacious hallway, kitchen and a fair-sized living room. The rent was relatively low because it was a London Borough (government) Council flat. This was a blessing for us, since we were on a student budget. We were set for living in London, and I could focus on my course of study. We had made an international move and we were gradually adjusting to British life. The house was located was in east London, whereas my laboratory was in the far northwest of London. It took me over an hour to get to work from home. This home-to-work trip included rides on two different underground trains and one bus. Over time, I mastered the rules of effective commuting. We had no car at the time, but that was not a huge problem considering the widely distributed and efficient London transportation system. A local grocery shop was within walking distance of our home. The locality also had a 280

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Saturday market where we could buy some items at cheaper rates. We did our laundry at a local Laundromat, which added some variety to our Saturday morning schedule. My family Our boys were approaching their third and fourth birthdays when they arrived. My spouse had obtained a six-month visitor’s visa for the purpose of coming to London. The plan was for him to find a school where he could pursue a study program. Once admitted, he could then apply to change his visa status from visitor to student. This worked out as planned, just before a new government law prohibiting such a change in visa status was enacted. Within the first few months of my family’s arrival we found a kind, registered babysitter who lived nearby and had made a few friends in the community. Our life was gradually taking shape. Evicted from our accommodation We continued to enjoy our one-bedroom accommodation, except for one major snag: our neighbor downstairs was bothered by our movements. She was a single lady living all by herself and was not used to the noise of regular family living. After about four months, she communicated to us that she would appreciate our being a little more sensitive to her needs for peace and quiet. We took this to heart because we knew the importance of good neighborly living. Over time, however, our two boys became even more active. It was impossible to keep a three- and four-year-old quiet in the house. At that stage of their lives, they were very active and loved to jump and bounce in our flat, which happened to be on the top floor of a building with a ground floor neighbor who needed some peace and quiet. The combination did not work out well and our neighbor lodged a complaint against us with the Council administrative office. After we had been in the house for just over a year, we received an eviction notice from the Council office. The Council’s reason for the notice was very logical. The flat was supposed to be for a couple with no children, and they had received complaints to the contrary and that the ‘activities’ in the flat overhead were causing distress to the neighbors.

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“Homeless” for one day That is how we became ‘homeless’ in London. Because we had no idea where to go, the council officer recommended the Homeless people’s office. She even told us we had a solid case since we had two children, and that the office would likely pay attention to our needs. I was in the middle of a research program and my spouse had since started his own study program. My friend who sublet the flat to us would not be pleased at all. The Homeless office normally put their candidates up in a motel or temporary accommodation for a period of time until they were able to find reasonable accommodation for them. No one could predict how long the waiting period would be. We were very confused and disheartened. At work the following morning I tried hard to concentrate, unaware that the providence of God was at work in our lives. Early that morning, I was invited to the administrative office of my workplace where I met a beaming senior officer who informed me that one of the Institute’s flats for students with families had become vacant. (My workplace was the National Institute of the Medical Research Council (MRC) of Britain, a large organization.) The officer informed me that I was the next candidate on their waiting list and offered the flat to my family and me. I literally skipped out of the office that day. I had completely forgotten about my application for housing. In fact, when I had submitted my application almost two years earlier, I was told that the chances were slim because the number of flats available was limited compared to the number of applications received. We were all extremely grateful for God’s timely providence in our lives. A new more spacious and convenient accommodation We moved into a two-bedroom flat in an upscale area of London. All the residents in our building were affiliated with my workplace. The flat was located in northwest London and was much closer to my workplace than the previous house. My spouse had a longer way to travel to get to his workplace, but the transportation system was good. By this time, our boys were of school age and we registered them in nearby schools. We even had the luxury of having a babysitter for them 282

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within our building. We used the services of a local after-school children’s club when our babysitter left. With an extra bedroom, we had more room for our growing boys. A few of the other residents also had children, so we were living in a family-oriented environment. The rent was based on a percentage of my scholarship stipend, so it was low. We had in-building laundry facilities, which made life more convenient for us, as well as a large area outside where our children could play. Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam Be it ever so humble there’s no place like home -John Howard Payne

A residence with significant memories All in all, we all enjoyed the move from our former east London house to the northwest London residence. We lived in this accommodation for almost two years while I completed my research program. Of all the places we lived in London, this accommodation is the most memorable. The miraculous way in which we got it continues to serve as an affirmation in our walk of faith. Our boys started elementary school and launched into various fun activities in their children’s care program. I’m sure they visited more British historic sites than we did! While we lived in this house, I wrote my Ph.D. thesis and was granted completion status. We accommodated a number of both local and international visitors in that residence. My dad came from Nigeria to visit; our boys’ memories of their maternal granddad come from the time he spent with us in that house. My sister also came to visit, and two of my nieces-in-law lived with us for periods of time. Our local visitors included many Nigerian friends resident in London. We also hosted a number of leadership team meetings for the Christian organization to which we belonged. I will always cherish the memory of that residence. 283

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A unique inter-provincial move A relocation that my family has made that best illustrates the mixed joys and challenges of moving is that of our Canadian move from Winnipeg, Manitoba to Victoria, British Columbia. The reason for the move and the circumstances surrounding it We moved for a happy reason. I had just been offered a research and development position in a biotechnology company in Victoria. It was much better than the six-month contract that I had with a federal government research unit in Winnipeg; it was a major career enhancement for me. Six months earlier, my family had emigrated from London, England to Canada in search of better career opportunities. (See Chapter 4.) We had chosen Winnipeg as our primary destination because we received considerable promotion information about career prospects within Manitoba and Western Canada from the Canadian High Commission in London. During the first three months of our stay, my spouse and I went through intensive job searches. I was very flexible in my options, considering the fact that I could pursue opportunities with my graduate degree in Immunology or re-certify as a practicing pharmacist. I was offered the government research position when I was seeking to familiarize myself with pharmacy practice in Canada by volunteering in the biggest health center in Winnipeg. I was just half-way into this sixmonth renewable contract position when I was offered the biotech position in Victoria. My family My husband had yet to get a job in his field so we saw this move as an opportunity for him to explore better prospects in a new city. Everything happened quickly and my new company moved us from Winnipeg to Victoria within three weeks of the offer. We had just enough time to pack our recently unpacked belongings, bid farewell to the few friends we had made, and obtain the transfer papers from our boys’ school. Although they had only been in the school for less than five months, they had already begun to settle in quite well. We hadn’t anticipated 284

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having to uproot them in the middle of the school year. They were fast becoming ‘globetrotters’ in terms of school moves. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them

-Rodney Dangerfield

While we were in London, they attended three schools in a fiveyear period because of our frequent house moves. A move overlaid on a previous recent move What made this Winnipeg-to-Victoria move even more interesting was the fact that we had yet to receive the shipment of our large household items from our English movers. We had to make many calls to their London office to let them know of our intended move from the Winnipeg address we had given them. Like the Robertsons in Chapter 1, our family life was mayhem in those days of the move. Adding all the factors together, I believe what made this joyous move more challenging was the fact that it was overlaid on our recent immigration to Canada from England. Nonetheless, we were able to rise above the challenges of the move because we focused on our goals of a better life ahead of us in Victoria. We endured the rigors of the move with no complaints because we anticipated it to be a move that would enhance our lives. Victoria’s weather is very pleasant. We would not miss Winnipeg’s extremely cold winter temperatures and never-ending snow. The fact that we would not have to cover our faces and wear many layers of clothing in our new Victoria location made us even more excited about the move. Settling into a new environment We had a number of challenges when settling down in Victoria. My company initially lodged us in a motel, but within one week of our arrival, we moved into our first residence in Victoria—a three-bedroom apartment with an unfinished basement in a semi-circular row of houses. The location was very good in terms of its proximity to my workplace. Our first major task was registering our boys in school; we were happy to find one within walking distance of our new house. Then we 285

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arranged with Canada Post to have our Winnipeg-addressed mails forwarded to our new Victoria address. We contacted old friends and family, informing them of our new address and telephone numbers. I started my job the week after we arrived in Victoria. My spouse helped to settle our children in school and took care of the details regarding our move from the motel to our new house. At work I had to meet new people and adjust to new working conditions. The environment was familiar because I had been involved in the field of medical research for the previous eight years. What was unfamiliar was the faster pace of the industry. In the government research establishments where I had worked, it was always great to get good results and discover new things. In industry, discovering new things was not good enough; you had to make your new discoveries in a short period of time. I was welcomed into the world of industrial timelines, which meant results at a rapid rate. That was one of the major changes I had to adjust to quickly in my new workplace. In a new environment one also has to be alert to the many unknowns. The help rendered by some members of our faith community went a long way in helping us to settle down much faster. They helped us locate important facilities like grocery shops and public places. We found a dedicated member of our church to look after our young daughter, who was then approaching her second birthday. This helped free my spouse to pursue his search for job opportunities in the city. My company’s employee benefits also helped us adjust to our new life in Victoria. We gradually made some new friends in our neighborhood and through our boys’ school. Our boys settled in quite well, making new friends in their new school setting. A few months after we got to Victoria, our belongings arrived from England. We had been unable to transport many of our bigger items because of shipment costs. Fortunately, there was a ‘pull-apart’ bunk bed for our boys in the shipment and we were finally able to set up some ‘real’ beds in our accommodation. The items from our previous house in England helped us celebrate the enormous change in our lives. Isn’t it amazing how something as simple as a bunk bed can restore our sense of identity? Over time, we added more furniture as we began life all over again in a new city and country. We had left or sold our unwanted furniture in England before we made the move. This was the third time we had 286

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furnished a home from scratch (The first two were in Nigeria and England). Having some continuity from the past in terms of household items and photographs helped us connect with our new environment in a less stressful way. In violent and chaotic times such as these, our only chance for survival lies in creating our own little islands of sanity and order, in making little havens of our homes

-Sue Kaufman

With the support we received from my workplace and our faith community, we were able to adjust to the changes posed by the relocation. Our faith in God also helped us to rise above the challenges of the change. We gained courage when we looked back and saw how God had helped us meet similar and even tougher challenges in the past. At such times, we were always reassured that with Him we could deal with newer challenges. We have since moved from that rented accommodation to a property of our own. Our children are grown up and are continuing to establish themselves in their academic and vocational pursuits. This relocation will always stay in our memories as one that was most unique in its mixture of joys and challenges. Dave Just like Tolu, I (Dave) have made quite a significant number of house moves and relocations with my family. All in all, my family and I have lived in sixteen houses in the space of over three decades. We went through the greatest number of moves in my first pastorate in Carriacou. In that location we lived in five different rented houses over a four-year period. This pattern of frequent moves was due to the prevalence of absentee landlords in the Carriacou home rental system— natives of the town that live abroad in the U.K. or Canada but have properties in their home town of Carriacou. They built the houses with the intention of coming back to live during their retirement. 287

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Sometimes they come home for a two- to three-month visit, which means the tenant has to move out for that period of time. (This happened to us once.) Our choice of places to rent was limited. In fact, one of one of the houses we lived in was enlarged servants’ quarters. A challenging international move The biggest move my family made was from Trinidad, West Indies to Leduc, Alberta, Canada, via Edmonton, Alberta. The reason for the move and the circumstances surrounding it The move occurred after I finished my term as Pastor of a church in Trinidad. At that time, it was government policy that only nationals were allowed to work in the country. My work permit was not renewed and we had to leave the country within a space of three months. I had to look for job opportunities elsewhere. My family and I decided to come back to Canada. We believed there were greater opportunities for our children’s education and future vocations in Canada. My spouse was born and raised in Edmonton and we had met and married in that city. (See Chapter 3.) I had also lived and worked in Edmonton during my Bible college days and a few years afterwards. Where is home? Home is where the heart can laugh without the shyness. Home is where the heart’s tears can dry at their own pace -Vernon G. Baker Although living in Alberta was not strange to us, the move was more difficult for us as a family than was our move from Edmonton to the West Indies ten years earlier. When we arrived, we had a few months’ stopover in Edmonton. It was there that I received the offer of my new pastoral appointment in Leduc. Upon our arrival in Leduc, we were offered a parsonage, but the house had problems with gas leakage. We decided it was better to buy a house of our own. This was the first house we had owned as a family. 288

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The Trinidad house we left Our house in Trinidad had four bedrooms and a big avocado tree in the backyard. The house was fenced because theft and break-ins were major concerns. One time during our stay we had two German shepherd dogs because of these concerns. We rented the house from a friendly lady (originally from Barbados) who lived in an adjacent house. We lived in this house for five of the six years we spent in Trinidad. We had good neighbors and the rent was affordable. One unique element of the house was the telephone ‘system’. We had no in-house telephones because facilities available in the city at that time were limited. We were on the waiting list for a line. Fortunately, the landlady had one next door. She had given us permission to receive calls on her phone. Thus, whenever we had calls, the lady would clap her hands to signal us to come and take our calls. That was quite interesting. Because of the time differences between Canada and the West Indies, we had a number of ‘telephone signal’ claps in the middle of the night. We received most of our other calls through the church office. Our utility services in Trinidad were not great. Because the running water was shut off for a good part of the day, it was difficult to perform all the household chores. When the water came during the night, it filled an overhead tank and we were able to use it during the day. Our house was located across the street from the cemetery. Although this may have been unusual, it gave us the advantage of peace and quiet during the night. We enjoyed this the most during carnival time, when the steel bands would practice late into the night. Our children started school in Trinidad. Our son went to a private school while our daughter went to an excellent public school. In Trinidad, my spouse could not work because she was a non-national and didn’t have a work permit. She volunteered her services at the church.

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Our house in Leduc Because of differing climates, houses in Leduc and Trinidad were not the same. In Trinidad, the houses were open, whereas in Leduc the houses were sealed because of the extreme winters. Our Leduc house had three upstairs bedrooms. I remodeled the basement, creating two additional bedrooms downstairs and an open den where the children could play. The utility services in Leduc were quite a contrast from those in our Trinidad residence. In Leduc, we had our own telephone in the house. Utilities such as water were available on a regular basis, which was a welcome change for us. Settling into our new Leduc environment The first major difference we experienced was in relation to the society. Trinidadians placed more emphasis on people than on material things. To them, material things were a means of enhancing relationships. On the other hand, we found that people in Leduc put greater emphasis on ‘things’ than on relationships. Enjoying material goods was more important to them than bonding and relationships. In moving to Canada from the West Indies, we had a lot of adjustments to make and experienced culture shock. Our older daughter was ten and our youngest child was about two years old when we arrived in Leduc. We settled them in the school system in Leduc. Coming from Trinidad, we were not used to children having a lot of toys. The pressure of keeping up with the Joneses was not something we enjoyed, either. Our children also had to make some adjustments. My spouse, who was not working at the time, helped our children adjust to the new environment. We also experienced other cultural differences. In Trinidad we had closer access to our neighbors than we did in Leduc. In Trinidad, we interacted well with our neighbors and visited with them often. The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it -Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Friends and neighbors stopped by to help each other with household jobs such as cutting the lawn, and then stayed to visit for awhile. In Leduc, the level of interaction with our neighbors was not as great. At best, we interacted through occasional talks over our fences. In general, the level of crime was lower in Leduc than in Trinidad, which was a welcome positive change for us. The move to Leduc was also a good one in terms of proximity to my wife’s family. Leduc is a 45-minute drive from Edmonton, so we got to see my in-laws on a regular basis. In addition, our children made new friends and grew to love their new schools. We also made some close and lasting friendships. Adjusting to my new job environment Although I had some challenges, I adjusted well to the new work environment. Leduc was quite different from Trinidad in terms of doing the work of a ministry. In Trinidad, we very much focused on reaching out into the community. We conducted many open-air evangelistic meetings. In Leduc, we focused our time and energy on activities within the church like developing the Sunday school. In Leduc, we discovered that the ministry was more focused on catering to the people in the church and making them feel comfortable. This kind of scenario was not an issue in Trinidad, as the people were very eager to respond when the church reached out to the community. On the other hand, the work culture of the Leduc congregation was very different from that of the Trinidad church. In Trinidad, I had to expend a lot of energy to make the church office function properly. I had to do practically every administrative duty from bookkeeping to payroll to supervising the work. In Leduc, many in the congregation were self-employed professionals who were willing to take on more responsibilities and exercise more individual initiative. This eased my burden considerably, and I was able to focus on other aspects of being their pastor. Over time, I was able to rise above the challenges of the changes, and settle into my new work environment. Overall, our move from Trinidad to Leduc was significantly different from most of the other moves we made as a family. The cultural differences between the two cities was a big factor of change for each 291

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one of us, but with the help and support of each other, our new church family, and our faith in God, we were able to rise above the challenges of the move. All in all, the move turned out to be very positive. Residences with considerable family memories Of the sixteen houses we have lived in, two of them rank high in terms of events and memories of our family history. The first of these is our second house in St Albert and the second one is our second New Westminster residence. St Albert Our house in St. Albert backed onto a city park called Amber Park. We lived in this house for the last four of the six years that I was Pastor in the St. Albert church. The house had four upstairs bedrooms and one bedroom and storage space in the basement. It had a pleasant deck off the kitchen at the back. The deck had three levels with a barbecue pit in the middle. The property was nicely landscaped with trees to provide shade. When we bought the property, it had been recently repossessed by the bank and needed some renovations, so I put in some work in remodeling the place. On the whole, the extra work made the entire experience more meaningful to me and gave me a greater sense of accomplishment. We lived in the house for four years and it contains a lot of memories. Our neighbors were great. Our older daughter got married while we were still living in the house. My spouse went back to work at an accounting establishment before switching to the computer industry. We did well financially because the economic conditions surrounding the purchase and sale of the house were much better than in my previous pastorate of Leduc.

Your home is where your favorite memories are

-Pieter-Dirk Uys

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Our older daughter graduated from the Catholic public school system and got married while we were still living in that house. Our other children had major achievements in their schoolwork. On a personal note, it was in this house that I started the course of studies toward my Bachelor’s degree program. In fact, on the whole, I believe I grew most as a person in St. Albert. I will always cherish the memory of that house. New Westminster Our condominium in New Westminster also has a lot of family memories. We lived in this apartment for eight of the ten years we were in the city. In fact, we lived as a family the longest in this house. The fifth floor (top floor) apartment had three bedrooms. The condo had been repossessed by the bank. Since it was only three years old when we bought it, I did not have to do much work on it. Originally it had two bedrooms and a loft, which I remodeled and made into a third bedroom. It had two decks, one of which was on the roof and had a beautiful view of the Fraser River. The location of the building was central enough for our children (before they moved out) and us to get to work. As we approached our empty nest years, we enjoyed the landscaping of the apartment building. The environment was lovely, with beautiful walks from the condo and a nice path to the river. This house has a lot of family memories. Our last two children got married while we were still there, and it was in this condo that we started welcoming our second wave of grandchildren. (See Chapter 13.) When our children were all gone, we had more time to do a lot of bike riding and sightseeing in the Greater Vancouver area. Of all our residences, this New Westminster apartment is the one where I spent the most time enjoying it as a home. This was where I started and completed my course of study toward a Master’s degree. (See Chapter 8.) I was not engaged in any full-time pastoral work during this two-year period of study and therefore spent more time at home studying. The beautiful deck area was very private and conducive for study. That house carries lots of significant memories for us as a family.

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JESUS AS OUR MODEL Help to overcome your aversion to house moves and relocation In her book, Jesus in Blue Jeans, Laurie Beth Jones7 asserts that Jesus knew moving was not fun. Jesus’ job as Savior of the world was to move people from a world of bondage to a world of freedom. During his ministry, Jesus encountered the fact that human beings were very resistant to change. He knew that “a body at rest tends to stay at rest.” Jesus offers help to you in overcoming your inertia. Jesus can help you rise above the challenges of relocation and house moves. Courage to take the risk involved in relocation Jesus knew that advancement in life often requires taking risks. While here on earth, Jesus himself took quite a number of risks in His ministry. He traveled to a number of places that were ‘risky’ by virtue of His Jewish roots. One of those places was Samaria. In those times, Jews and Samaritans were not friends; a Jew traveling to Samaria risked being attacked. Yet, Jesus traveled and taught in Samaria. His mission was deeply engraved in His mind. He put the things of God, His heavenly Father, first. God honored Him and His faith in taking risks. His ministry was blessed. Looking at Jesus’ example, we receive courage to go ahead with our relocation and house moves. Jesus knew all about constant moves When He set out from his earthly parents’ house, changing from carpentry to take on His ministry, Jesus left the comfort of home and family. Jesus’ ministry life was essentially a traveling one. He had his mission clearly set before Him: His mission was to seek and save the lost. Seeking the lost required that He travel to where they were. Thus, Jesus himself made constant moves. In fact, He told his disciples “Foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the son of man had nowhere to lay his head.”8 Jesus knew that some jobs require us to be on the move constantly. On the other hand, Jesus knew the importance of homes to families. He visited many homes and performed many of his miracles in home settings. He understood the needs of a relocating individual as well as our 294

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need for comfort in our homes. Jesus is able to help you meet your needs during relocation and beyond. DEALING WITH CHANGES ASSOCIATED WITH RELOCATION AND HOUSE MOVES (Career aspects in Chapter 7) (More resources in the Appendix) The challenges of relocation are numerous. Settling into the new environment after a move may be more demanding than the actual move. The following general tips will help you to stay sane through the changes encountered in your house moves and relocation. Before you relocate or move house 1. If you are relocating as a couple, take time to plan your move together. Set regular times to discuss the status of your move and share opinions. You can use this time to strengthen your relationship with your partner by celebrating a great transition together. 2. Take time to mourn your loss. Forge lasting connections between the old and the new by establishing departing rituals. Have a going-away party. Preserve memories by making a community scrapbook. Do these before the pressures of packing leave you with no spare time. 3. Have a long-range view of what you are trying to accomplish with the move. What do you want life to be like in the new place? How will it be better than what you have now? Focusing on the positive aspects of your move will go a long way in helping you move forward despite setbacks and frustrations. 4. Plan well ahead. Break down the move into its many facets, such as selling your house and obtaining a new mortgage. Make a list of tasks to do for each facet of the move. Prioritize items. Organize properly to avoid last-minute anxiety. 5. Be flexible. Do not be too rigid in your budgeting and estimations. Leave room for unexpected costs. Allow for changes in estimated room sizes in the new house. Being flexible with your expectations will help you cope with things that do not exactly meet your expectations. 295

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6 Maintain faith in yourself by looking at past changes and accomplishments in your life. Trust that you can make this one, too. Trust that things will work out well. 7. Educate yourself as much as possible about the deals you will be making during the move, such as the selling, the buying, and the moving. Get as much information on industry norms for each of the services you will require. 8. Find forms of entertainment to help you take your mind off things from time to time. Maintain a constructive attitude. Avoid being negative. 9. Seek to understand as much as possible of the new city before you leave—the customs, the culture, the weather, the geography. Gather information from people who have visited the place. 10. Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your health. Get physical exercise. Take relaxation exercises such as deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation. Minimize other stresses. Do not take on extra new projects, e.g., driving lessons, during the initial phase of your move. 11. Seek strength from God. He is able to give you the courage to see beyond the avalanche of tasks and to manage the process well. In your new location 12. Continue to get informed. Keep reading. You will find more information about the city in bookstores and general public places. Seek a local advisor or helper. 13. Acknowledge your transition. Communicate on a regular basis with your spouse and family. Listen and understand each other’s feelings and perceptions. Help other members of your family deal with their changes through good family interaction. If you have children, work with them in helping them to release stress. Let them know it is all right to feel anxious. Take practical steps to ease their worries. Be a positive role model for them by having a good attitude about the move. 14. Try to keep in touch with old friends through telephone calls, letters, and e-mails. Maintaining links with loved ones will help you celebrate change. 15. Honor your new home. Make it yours. Choose one room and arrange it in a familiar way; it will serve as a haven while you gradually 296

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take your time in fixing the other rooms. Take time to make the arrangement reflect your connection with and commitment to each other. 16. Moving causes stress. Enjoy the special scenery. Explore your new surroundings. Use these avenues to release the tension of adjusting to your new environment. Enjoy the surprises the adventure of your move may bring. Use this as a celebration of your new life. 17. Keep a journal. Jotting down your feelings will go a long way in helping to release tension. 18. Reach out and connect with other people. Find clubs of interest to you in your new environment. Talk to other parents in your children’s school. Find out about the partners of other employees in your spouse’s workplace. 19. For the trailing spouse, check your long-term career goals. Check with your spouse’s human resources office to locate possible career opportunities. 20. Continue to seek God’s guidance every step of the way as you settle in your new environment. Jesus has helped us with the challenges of house moves and relocations. He is also willing to help you with your move. See Chapter 10 for more information about developing a relationship with Jesus. Should you require any more information on the issues of relocation and house moves discussed in this chapter, please visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com.

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KEEPING IT UP!

CHAPTER 15 ______________________________

CONTINUOUS CHANGE: DAILY RENEWAL God did not promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

In the course of this book we have gone through a journey of discovery and renewal. We have identified how life brings constant changes to our paths. Such changes are often complex and superimposed upon one another, and we often wonder how we can stay sane through them. We have explored the challenges such changes impose upon us as we move from the old to the new. We have offered tips that will help you rise above the challenges of the change and embrace your new life. In Chapter 1, we pointed out that to move forward with a change, we need to create more changes in our lives in order to accommodate the original change. This puts us on the pathway of many more changes in the journey of transition. Also in Chapter 1, we met Sally and Brad Robertson, who had to create more changes in their lives in order to adapt to the original change of relocation. Our lives will always be marked with one change or another. Being in a state of change-readiness (see Chapter 1) at all times will enable us to tolerate and withstand the changes that we encounter on our life’s journey. A change-readiness state is like an emergency preparedness plan. You must always be prepared to act. Such a state requires daily renewal. As we have highlighted throughout the book, our model for dealing with

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change is Jesus Christ. We discussed His attitude to the changes He encountered while He was here on earth. We identified how He was able to rise above the challenges of the changes and move forward. We also offered insights from Jesus’ teachings that will give you assurance and hope in these contemporary times. You, too, can rise above the challenges of life’s complex transitions and move on with your life. But Jesus remains a priest forever; his priesthood will never end. Therefore he is able, once and forever, to save everyone who comes to God through him. He lives forever to plead with God on their behalf

-Hebrews 7:24, 25 (New Living Translation)

More importantly, we suggested how you can get this same strength to help you personally to stay sane through changes. In Chapter 10, we discussed how to establish a personal relationship with Jesus and allow Him to be in charge of your personal management system. With this kind of relationship you will receive the empowerment that you require to be in a change-readiness state at all times. The more exciting point is that with a personal relationship with Jesus, you could receive daily renewal of this readiness state and be prepared for change. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind-Romans 12:2 Jesus is calling you to change, to dig deep within yourselves, to see yet unrealized potentials, to grow and mature as a person. Jesus specializes in changing us and helping us conform to His image. He is in the business of personal transformations. He transforms us from our ordinary human capabilities to someone of amazing supernatural capabilities. He gives us the capability to rise above the challenges of difficult transition periods in our lives. 302

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And we… are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit

-II Corinthians 3:18

APPEARING AND DISAPPEARING One of the many things about high school physics that stayed in my (Tolu) brain over the years is the concept of the disappearing filament pyrometer. A pyrometer is an instrument that measures high temperatures, typically by converting brightness, radiation, or electric current measurements into temperature readings. A special filament is the key component of this physical instrument. When the temperature of the environment reaches a certain point, the filament appears. When the temperature goes down, the filament disappears. For some reason, I was fascinated by the concept of something that appears at first, then disappears and subsequently appears again. I thought that was remarkable. Imagine an ability to show up and then go into oblivion. Consider the ability to come out of oblivion later on and show up again! Physicists not only wondered about this amazing property, they tapped into this wonderful property and came up with the fascinating instrument called a pyrometer. At times we wonder if we as human beings are just like that pyrometer because we are continuously changing. Unlike the pyrometer, we are stimulated by a whole different set of other factors: we enjoy human approval and are stimulated by affection, love and praise. On the negative side, we are hurt by disapproval, jealousy, hatred, and pain. We are continually changing physically, spiritually, and mentally.

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man

-Heraclitus

As the life of God is daily renewed in our lives, we cannot afford to be the same as we were yesterday. 303

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THE OCEAN AND CONTINUOUS CHANGE The transition process that accompanies the periods of change in our lives requires time for completion. Transitions are like seams, the places where the edges of two different bodies come together. Going to the beach—a place where two different worlds, land and water, come together—often reminds us of the concept of transition. We are reminded of the certainty of death or loss and the richness of new life. While traveling along some stretches of beach, I (Dave) often find places where the fresh water of a river or stream pours into the salt water of the ocean. Such points of confluence where a river meets the sea are referred to as estuaries. As the tide rises, the salt water pushes its way back into the fresh water. Eventually this force pushing back creates a shallow tidal basin. Estuaries are always undergoing change; they are in constant transition. They change with the seasons and the tides, the wind, and the rain. Life in estuaries must be able to adjust to the varying conditions of the area. These variations include fluctuations in saltiness (salinity), temperature, and the direction and intensity of the current. It is amazing that with these fluctuating conditions, estuaries still teem with life. These living things must be able to survive in an environment of change. This reminds us that we as human beings should also be able to survive in the changing environment in which we live. Estuaries happen to be one of the most fertile and liveliest places on earth. Life is defined by change, and change gives birth to life.

Life is defined by change and change gives birth to life

In biology, metamorphosis is an alteration in form as well as growth. In true metamorphosis, the subject changes while it is becoming. The caterpillar grows in a cocoon until it is too big to be contained by it. Then it must shed the cocoon and emerge as a butterfly.

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TRANSITIONS ARE DEFINING MOMENTS IN OUR LIVES Transitions are pregnant pauses between times that throw us off balance while anticipating what the future has in store. Transitions are disorienting because of the unknown. Our attitude toward transitions determines what eventually comes out of those periods. If we are willing to let go of the past and be open to embracing a new future, we could achieve transformation and renewal. On the other hand, periods of transition could make us stuck, devastated, overwhelmed by defeat and unable to receive the future. That attitude tends to lead to various forms of destruction. Transitions always involve risk-taking; they are heavily loaded with a sense of danger. Transitions also offer many possibilities for the future. If we are to survive periods of immense change, we need to be flexible and adaptive during those periods. We need to re-examine our values and hold on to what is true. Transitions challenge us to leave what is familiar in order to embrace the unknown. Transitions are difficult to withstand. They make us rethink our identity, our purpose, the very meaning of our lives. CHANGE IS A PARADOX Change is a paradox. It offers great opportunities for learning more about yourself, and at the same time frustrates your attempts to create a stable and predictable world. Just when you are finally used to a new condition and feel comfortable in it, change shows up again, demanding a new move, a new decision. It tests your response. Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better-King Whitney Jr. 305

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Do you resist or ignore change? Do you try to balance opposing forces? Or do you go with the flow of change? THE SANITY IMPARTING TOUCH OF JESUS Of the many encounters that Jesus Christ had on earth, we are always amazed about his meeting with two men from Gadarene.1 These men were totally uncontrollable and out of their minds. No one could come near them, as they were what would be called today ‘serious psychiatric cases’. The Gadarene men received a touch of the healing power of Jesus. This story ended with the men being clothed and in their right minds. A right mind is definitely the correct frame of mind to have. Although our situations may not be as drastic as those of the Gadarene men, we all need to be in our right mind on a continuous basis. We (Dave and Tolu) both have learned to go back to Jesus and receive His fresh touch on a daily basis. We need to be in our right mind if we are to fully face the challenges of constant change that come our way. Jesus keeps us in our right minds when we face the challenges of the constant change that is all around us. We love that ‘sanity imparting’ touch of Jesus. Wow! It is always refreshing.

Lord grant us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed; Give us the boldness and courage to change what should be changed; Give us the wisdom to distinguish one from the other

-Reinhold Niebuhr

The author of this popular saying is correct. We need to have the serenity to accept the things that cannot be changed, but it does not just end there. We need boldness and courage to move on and work on the other types of things that need to be changed. We need to be able to move on and effect those changes. The wonderful thing about prayer is that it also asks for wisdom. It asks for wisdom to know the difference 306

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between those things that cannot be changed and those things that need to be changed. Being in a state of change-readiness also calls for us to know when the ‘new’ needs to become ‘old’. We should leave room for the new that has existed for some time to become old so that we can welcome a new change at the appropriate time. This is essentially what daily renewal does for us. Do not make today’s innovations into tomorrow’s sacred cows. A “new” that was right for one time does not mean it continues to be right. We need a daily renewal of the life of Jesus in us so as to receive strength and courage to discard the ‘new’ that has become ‘old’ and welcome a new change.

The worst thing in your life may contain seeds of the best. When you see crisis as an opportunity, your life becomes not easier, but more satisfying

-Joe Kogel

Should you require any more information on the issues of continuous change and daily renewal discussed in this chapter, please visit us at www.staysanethroughchange.com. When we are fully in tune with a process of continuous change in our lives—a daily renewal—then we are able to take on the great challenge of changing the world one person at a time. How do we go about this? How do we change the world one person at a time? The next chapter provides some answers to these questions.

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CHAPTER 16 ______________________________

GO AND DO LIKEWISE: TAKING ON NEW LEADERSHIP ROLES There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it -Edith Wharton

In Chapter 15 we explained how we need to have an attitude of continuous change. We need to be refreshed by a daily renewal of our mind. To do this, we need to continue to plug in to Jesus and receive strength and enablement from Him. With you and Jesus forming a team, you will be able to rise above the challenges of the most difficult changes. The support system of friends, families, and professionals that you use during transitions will be reinforced if you have the foundation of a daily renewal through Jesus. When you have received empowerment and have risen above the challenges of life’s most difficult transitions, you will no longer be the same. You will be a transformed person. The empowerment and wisdom you received from staying sane through the change could be shared with others. Let him that would move the world first move himself -Socrates

Stay Sane Through Change

In the Introduction we discussed the concept of multiplying the effect of the empowerment that you, the reader, have received from the tools and insights offered in this book. As a transformed person, you can multiply the effect of your empowerment through sharing it with others. You may also offer to help other individuals going through similar transitions in your family, workplace, and community. You can become a leader, changing your world one person at a time. John Maxwell, in his book, Developing the Leader Within You,1 defines leadership as influence. He believes that the best investment in the future is a proper influence today. Influence is a skill that can be developed in you. When you share with others how you have been able to rise above the challenges of life’s complex transitions, you are developing your skill of influence. You are developing as a leader. We invite you to make use of the opportunity to influence others for good by sharing your stories with others. Please visit our website at www.staysanethroughchange.com to find out more on how you can do this.

He that would be a leader must be a bridge-Welsh proverb In our research for this book, we found some interesting terminologies on the Internet. A search for “constant change” revealed that there is actually an organization that bears the name Constant Change.2 This shows that our world is coming to recognize the reality that we are in an age of constant change. We believe the individuals who founded this company have come to terms with the fact of constant change in our world. In fact, they must have embraced constant change as a force, a momentum to push their organization forward. It must be at the core of their organization’s value system. We also checked up on the term “sanity” and came up with a few interesting findings. One web site claims that a “tool for sanity” is making sure one backs up one’s computer data on a regular basis. We totally agreed with this; we know from experience that that is a wise course of action. That subject is very familiar to me (Tolu). In fact, when 310

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I was writing my Ph.D. thesis, I heard many horror stories of other Ph.D. candidates who lost a significant amount of their experimental data to some computer mishap. Imagine having to do all those experiments again! All those years of hard work and labor going down the drain! No, it is not something one desires even to talk about. With that picture in mind, I developed a habit that has stayed with me. The habit of constantly backing up my data has been ingrained in me. We came across another web site that offered something not so familiar to us. The computer-based company offered a set of modeling tools for computer programmers called Sanity Tools. The name sounded somewhat attractive to us; we felt it would be worthwhile exploring tools that help one maintain one’s sanity. We dreamed of being able to use those tools just to discover how the name relates to the actual function of these programming elements. For now, however, that will be just a dream, as our training is not in that field. In this book we have provided ‘Sanity Tools’ for facing a world of constant and complex change. At the centre of these tools is Jesus Christ. These tools have helped us in many ways to handle tremendous changes in our lives. We have shared some of our personal experiences as well as those of others. We have also shared with you the how, why, and when of these sanity tools. We believe you will be empowered to take charge of your own situation. We believe the tools presented here will have a longlasting effect on how you handle changes. And we believe those effects will be positive ones. As mentioned above, leadership is influence. Another way that you can develop your influence and leadership skills is by taking on mentoring roles. If you have experience in ‘staying sane through the constant changes in your life’, you can offer support and help to someone else who is going through a similar change. All it takes to be a mentor is experience. Our desire is that you, the reader of this book who has received empowerment, will go and do likewise. You can be a mentor. We desire that you as an empowered reader of this book will go and offer some help to other individuals in your family and community who may be going through difficult periods of transition.

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The best gift anyone could give someone who is going through a tough time is the gift of empowerment -Robert Stephan Cohen3 In her book, Teens with the courage to give,4 Jackie Waldman shared stories of how young people who triumphed over tragedies have gone on to help others in similar situations. This is an avenue for mentoring. You can do the same. As an empowered reader of this book, we invite you to participate in an online community to mentor others who are facing challenges similar to those that you have been able to overcome. Please visit our website at www.staysanethroughchange.com to find out more about how you can be a mentor. Go and do likewise.

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NOTES

Introduction 1. Online Publishers Association, Generational media Study 2004, www.onlinepublishers.org Chapter 1 1. Bridges, William. Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, (Reading MA: Perseus Books, 1980). 2. Neeld, Elizabeth Harper. Tough transitions: navigating your way through difficult times (New York: Warner Books, c2005). 3. Young, Peter. Change Manager - Be Your Best and Beyond (Abingdon, England, 2003). 4. Landorf, Joyce. Change points: When We Need Him Most (Fleming Revell, 1981), pages 12-13. 5. Susman, Karen “Seven tools for managing change in every area of your life,” Lifestyle (periodical) Commercial Law Bulletin (Jan 2003) page 18. 6. Jones, Laurie Beth. Jesus in Blue Jeans: A Practical Guide to Everyday Spirituality (New York: Hyperion, 1997). Chapter 2 1. Mladen, Caryn, David Rosen and Pat Ordovensky, University planning for Canadians for Dummies, (CDG Books, Toronto, ON, 2001). 2. The Readers’ Digest Association, Jesus and His Times Among the People (Video) (Pleasantville New York: Home Entertainment Division, Reader’s Digest 1991).

Stay Sane Through Change Chapter 3 1. Lamanna, Mary Ann and Agnes Riedmann, Marriages and Families: Making Choices in A Diverse Society (Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing, 2003). 2. Bloom, Richard. “Getting Dumped by Fiancé Inspired Launch of ‘It’s Just Lunch Matchmaker,” The Globe and Mail Report on Business (February 14, 2005). 3. Paul, Pamela, The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony (New York: Villard Books, 2002). 4. Center for Disease Control, National Center for Health Statistics http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage.htm 5. Bramlett, Matthew and William Mosher, “First marriage Dissolution, Divorce, and Remarriage: United States,” (Advance Data 323, May 31, 2001, DHSS, Center for Disease Control and Prevention). 6. CBC News Online, “Marriage by the numbers,” http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/marriage/ (March 9, 2005) 7. CBC News, “Family demographics changing, says Vanier Institute,” (29 Nov 2004). http://www.cbc.ca/story/canada/national/2004/11/29/vanierfamilyprofile041129.html 8. Anne Milan, Anne and Alice Peters, “Couples living apart,” Canadian Social Trends (Summer 2003, Statistics Canada Catalogue No 11-008). 9. Matthew 19: 9-12 10. John 2:1-11 Chapter 4 1. Erikson, Erik. Childhood and Society (Vintage, 1995) 2. Spark, Muriel The Comforters (Penguin, 1957) 3. Council on Contemporary Families, “America’s Changing families,” 2000 U.S. Census http://www.contemporaryfamilies.org/public/families.php 4. The Canadian Encyclopedia- Maclean articles http://www.canadianencyclopedia.ca/index.cfm?PgNm=TCE&Params=M1ARTM001 2359 5. Belsky, Jay and John Kelly, The Transition to Parenthood-How a First Child Changes a Marriage, Why Some Couples Grow Closer and Others Apart (New York: Delacorte, 1994) 6. Matthew 19:13-15 7. John 16:21

Chapter 5 1. Kreider, Rose M., “Number, Timing and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2001,” Current Population Reports, P70-97. Washington DC: U.S. Census Bureau, (2005).

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Notes 2. Wineberg, Howard and McCarthy, "Separation and reconciliation in American marriages," Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 29 (1993) 131-46 3. Holmes, Thomas and Richard Rahe, “Social Re-adjustment Rating Scale,” Journal of Psychosomatic Research, vol. 11; (1967), 213-218 4. Munson, M.L. and P.D. Sutton “Births, marriages, divorces and deaths: Provisional data for November 2004,” National Statistics Reports, vol. 52 no 19 Hyattsville, Maryland: National Center for Health Statistics (2005). 5. Bramlett, Matthew D., and William D. Mosher, “Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce and Re-marriage in the United States,” National Center for Health Statistics Vital Health Statistics, 23 (2002), 22 6. Statistics Canada 2002 www.statscan.ca and Behrendt law chambers Divorce and Family Law http://www.marriage-contract.ca 7. Statistics Canada 2003 www.statscan.ca and. CBC News Online “Marriage by the Numbers,” http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/marriage/ (March 9, 2005) 8. Vanier Institute of the Family http://www.gdsourcing.ca/works/Vanier.htm 9. Ambert, Ambert. “Divorce: Facts, Causes and Consequences,” 2005 http://www.vifamily.ca/library/cft/divorce_05.html 10. Cohen, Robert Stephan. Reconcilable Differences: 7 Essential Tips to Remaining Together from a Top Matrimonial Lawyer (New York: Pocket Books, 2002) 11. Deits, Bob. Life after loss: A Personal Guide for Dealing with Death, Divorce, Job Change and Relocation (Tucson, Ariz.: Fisher Books, 2000). 12. Burns, Bob and Tom Whiteman, The Fresh Start Divorce Recovery Workbook: A Step by Step Program for those who are Divorced or Separated (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 1998). 13. John 4: 1- 42 Chapter 6 1. Conway, John. The Canadian Family in Crisis (Toronto, ON: Lorimer, 2003). 2. Ambert, Anne-Marie “Divorce: Facts, Causes and Consequences,” 2005 http://www.vifamily.ca/library/cft/divorce_05.html 3. Statistics Canada 2003 www.statscan.ca and. CBC News Online “Marriage by the Numbers,” http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/marriage/ (March 9, 2005) 4. Statistics Canada “Changing conjugal life in Canada,” The Daily, (July 11, 2002). 5. Bramlett, Matthew D. and William D. Mosher, First “Marriage Dissolution, Divorce and Re-marriage in the United States,” Advance Data, DHSS, CDC No 323, (May 31, 2001). 6. Whiteman, Tom. For Those Getting Married Again in Les and Leslie Parrott Eds., Getting Ready for the Wedding: All You Need To Know Before You Say I Do (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1998). 7. Berman, Claire. Making it as a stepparent: New Roles, New Rules (New York: Perennial 1986).

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Stay Sane Through Change 8. Doherty, William J., as quoted in Hara Estroff Marano, “Divorced?: Don’t even think of remarrying until you read this!” Psychology Today (Mar/Apr 2000). http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-288.html 9. Bray, James. “The Ghosts of Marriages Past,” Your Stepfamily (Nov/Dec 2004): 1 10. Bjornsen, Sally. The Single Girl’s Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids and His ex-wife: Becoming a Stepmother with Humor and Grace (New York: New American Library, 2005). Chapter 7 1. Bricker, Darell, & John Wright, What Canadians Think About Almost Everything (Toronto, ON: Doubleday Canada, 2005), 128 2. Ibid, 129 3. Holton III, Elwood F. and Sharon S. Naquin, So you are new again: How to succeed when you change jobs (San Francisco: Berrett-Kochler, 2001). 4. Matthew 5:13 5. Luke 2:47 6. Matthew 7:29 7. Luke 4:37 8. Matthew 10: 5- 15 Chapter 8 1.Blustein,. D.L. “A Context-rich perspective of career exploration across Life Roles,” Career Development Quarterly 45, no.3 (1997): 260-274. 2. Deuteronomy 6: 21 3. John 8:14 4. Matthew 26:36-46

Chapter 9 1. CBC Television, “Jesus the Epic mini-series,” aired on May 14 and 17, 2000 2. Watters, Marge and Lynne O’Connor, It’s Your Move: A Personal and Practical Guide for Career Transition, Toronto, ON: HarperBusiness, 2001). 3. Matthew 13:38 4. Schaller, Lyle Discontinuity and Hope: Radical Change and the path to the Future, (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1999). 5. Matthew 8:20 6. Luke 9:10-17

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Notes 7. Owens, Jimmy and Carol. The Witness, Bud John Songs, Inc. 1978, Sound Track Brentwood-Benson Music Publishers, Inc. Chapter 10 1. The anti-virus program referred to is ANTIVIR made by a German company. On detection of a likely virus invasion, a detection screen pops up on your computer that poses this question to you: What shall be done with this file? • • • • • •

Repair file Delete file Wipe file Rename file Deny access Allow access

2. M2 PRESSWIRE-28 January 2004-MI2G: MyDoom causes $3 billion in damages as SCO offers $250k reward(C)1994-2004 M2 COMMUNICATIONS LTD RDATE:01282004 London, UK: Chapter 11 1. Holloway, Don. “Seniors at Work,” Expression- Bulletin of the National Advisory Council on Aging vol.18, no 1 (2005) 2. Statistics Canada, “General Social Survey: Social Support and aging,” The Daily, (September 2, 2003). 3. National Association for Variable Annuities (NAVA) Press Release, “95 Percent of Americans Have Financial Fears About Retirement,” NAVA, Reston: VA (March 28, 2005). 4. Merrill Lynch Press Release “The New Retirement Survey,” New York (February 23, 2005). 5. Haynes; Marion E. From Work to Retirement: Making a successful Transition (Menlo Park, CA: Crisp Publications Inc., 1993). 6. Richard, Morgan L. I Never Found That Rocking Chair: God’s call at retirement, (Nashville:Upper Room Books 1993). 7. Tigges, Laura “Seeking adventure,” Women in Business vol. 50 no.2 (Mar/Apr 98), 26 8. Holmes, Thomas and Richard Rahe, “Social Re-adjustment Rating Scale,” Journal of Psychosomatic Research, vol. 11; (1967), 213-218 9. Ferriage, Guild A. The Adventure of Retirement: It’s About More than Just Money (Essex, U.K: Prometheus Books, 1994).

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Stay Sane Through Change Chapter 12 1. Barrette, Gilbert. “Grandparenting today,” Expression- Bulletin of the National Advisory Council on Aging vol.18 no.3, (2005). 2. Changing families http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/smp9/parent_education/changing_families.htm 3. Milan, Anne and Brian Hamm “Across the generations: Grandparents and grandchildren,” Canadian Social Trends (Winter 2003, Statistics Canada Catalogue No. 11008). 4. Stepan, C. “Seniors are becoming moms and dads again,” Hamilton Spectator, (December 11, 2003). 5. Bosak, Susan How to Build the Grandma Connection, (Whitechurch-Stouffville, ON: The Communication Project, 2000). 6. Edwards, Peggy and Mary Jane Sterne, Intentional Grandparenting: A Boomer’s Guide (Toronto, ON: McClelland & Stewart). 7. Carter, Betty and Joan Peters, Love, Honour and Negotiate, (New York: Pocket Books, 1997). 8. Arp, David and Claudia. The second half of your marriage: facing the eight challenges of the empty nest years (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1996). Chapter 13 1. Holmes, Thomas and Richard Rahe, “Social Re-adjustment Rating Scale,” Journal of Psychosomatic Research, vol. 11; (1967), 213-218 2. Wolfert, Alan. Healing your grieving heart: 100 practical ideas (Companion Press, 2001). 3. Deits, Bob. Life after loss: A Personal Guide for Dealing with Death, Divorce, Job Change and Relocation (Tucson, Ariz.: Fisher Books, 2000). Chapter 14 1. “Don’t forget the trailing spouse: Job-related relocation considerations for the ‘other half’ Long Island Business News, (Sept 10-16, 2004). 2.http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/smp9/parent_education/changing_families.htm 3. Frase-Blunt, Martha..“Words to move by: providing clear, constant communication tailored to relocating employees' needs makes for a smooth move,” (Relocation Cover Story) HRMagazine; (May, 2004). 4. Deits, Bob. Life after loss: A Personal Guide for Dealing with Death, Divorce, Job Change and Relocation (Tucson, Ariz.: Fisher Books, 2000). 5. Melrose, S. (2004). “Reducing relocation stress syndrome in long term care facilities,” Journal of Practical Nursing 54 (4), 15-17. 6. Solomon, Alan .“Coping with the stress of relocation,” http://www.therapyinla.com/psych/psych0200.html

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Notes (February 2000) 7. Laurie Beth Jones, Jesus in Blue Jeans (New York: Hyperion, 1998). 8. Matthew 8:20 Chapter 15 1. The healing of two demon-possessed men recorded in Matthew 8: 28 - 33 Chapter 16 (1) Maxwell, John C. Developing the Leader Within You, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1993). (2) Constant Change is a multi-industry organization with practices in the music arts and publishing (3) Cohen, Robert Stephan. Reconcilable Differences: 7 Essential Tips to Remaining Together from a Top Matrimonial Lawyer (New York: Pocket Books, 2002). (4) Waldman, Jackie. Teens with the courage to give- Young people who triumphed over tragedy and volunteered to make a difference (Berkeley, CA: Conari Press, 2004).

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APPENDIX ADDITIONAL RESOURCES 1. The Challenge of Change Books Bridges, William. Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes 2nd edition (Cambridge; MA: Da Capo Press, 2004) Bridges, William. The Way of Transition: Embracing Life’s Most Difficult Moments, (New York: Perseus, 2001) Brister, C.W., Change Happens: Finding Your Way Through Life's Transitions (Macon, GA: Smyth & Helwys,1997) Farrington, Debra K., The Seasons of a Restless Heart: A Spiritual Companion for Living in Transition (New Jersey: Jossey-Bass, 2005) Landorf, Joyce. Change points: When We Need Him Most (Old Tappan, NJ :Fleming Revell, 1981) Rubietta, Jane. Grace Points: Growth & Guidance in Times of Change (Downers Grove, IL: Inter-Varsity Press, 2004) Smith, Rolf. The 7 levels of Change: Different Thinking for Different Results (2nd edition) (Arlington, TX.: Tapestry Press, 2002) 2. Education- an eye opener to the real world Books Anderson, Trent and Seppy Basili. Broke!: A College Student's Guide to Getting By on Less (New York: Kaplan 2003) Bowling, John and Jill Bowling, Packin' Up and Headin' Out: Making the Most of Your College Adventure (Kansas City, MO : Beacon Hill Press, 2001) College Board, The College Board College Handbook 2006: All-New 43rd Edition (New York : College Board, 2005)

Stay Sane Through Change Greenfeld, Barbara C. and Robert A. Weinstein, The Kids' College Almanac: A First Look at College, (Indianapolis, IN: Jist Publishing, 2001) Harrington, Paul and Thomas Harrington, College Majors Handbook with Real Career Paths and Payoffs: The Actual Jobs, Earnings, and Trends for Graduates of 60 College Majors (Indianapolis, IN: Jist Works, 2004) Hudson, C. College Clues For the Clueless (Uhrichsville, OH, Barbour Publishing 1999) Jist Publishing Exploring Careers: A Young Person's Guide to 1,000 Jobs (Indianapolis, IN: Jist Publishing, 2003) Mladen, Caryn, David Rosen and Pat Ordovensky. University planning for Canadians for Dummies, (CDG Books, Toronto, ON, 2001). Peterson (Editor) Peterson's Guide to Distance Learning Programs 2005 Thomson Peterson’s, 2005)

(New Jersey:

Pierce, Valerie and Cheryl Rilly. Countdown to College: 21 To Do Lists for High School: StepBy-Step Strategies for 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th Graders (Lansing, MI :Front Porch Press, 2003) Tierney, William G., (Editor), Zoe B. Corwin (Editor), Julia E. Colyar (Editor), Preparing For College: Nine Elements of Effective Outreach (Suny Series, Frontiers in Education) (State University of New York Press, 2004 Willis, David. Conquering College: The Ultimate Guide To College Preparation And Surviving Your Freshman Year (Frederick, MD: PublishAmerica, 2004) Periodicals Campus Life (Carol Stream, IL :Christianity Today) Audiovisual materials Educational Video Programming (EVP) Inc. First Semester : Preparing For College Life Video edition, ( EVP, 2000) Websites www.collegeparents.org

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Appendix 3. New romantic relationships: courtship and marriage Books

Dating and Courtship Cate, R.M. and S.A. Lloyd. Courtship (Newbury Park, Calif.: Sage, 1992) Wright, H. Norman. Before You Say I Do, Revised: A Marriage Preparation Manual for Couples (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers 1997) Wright, H. Norman. 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 2004)

Marriage Kay, Ellie. The New Bride Guide: Everything You Need to Know for the First Year of Marriage (Bethany House Publishers, 2003) Parrott III, Les and Leslie Parrott. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (And After) You Marry, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1995) Stoop, David and Jan Stoop, eds., The Complete Marriage Book: Collected Wisdom from Leading Marriage Experts (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 2002) Wolgemuth, Robert and Mark DeVries. The Most Important Year in a Woman's/Man's Life: What Every Bride And Groom Need To Know, 2-in-1 (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2003) Periodicals Marriage Partnership (Carol Stream, IL: Christianity Today) Websites www.familylife.org 4. Becoming a Parent Books Brott, Armin A. The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year (New York: Abbeville Press, 1997) Douglas, Ann. The Mother of All Baby Books: The Ultimate Guide to Your Baby’s First Year (Toronto, ON: Macmillan, 2001)

323

Stay Sane Through Change Jordan, Pamela L., Scott M. Stanley and Howard J. Markman. Becoming parents: How to Strengthen Your marriage As Your Family Grows. (New York: Jossey-Bass, 2001) Leman, Kevin. First Time Mom: Getting Off On the Right Foot (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House, 2004) Lim, Robin. After the Baby’s Birth: A Woman’s Way to Wellness, A Complete Guide for Postpartum Women. (Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 2001) Morgan, Elisa and Carol Kuykendall, Children Change a Marriage (Grand Rapids, MI : Zondervan 2001) Placksin, Sally. Mothering the New Mother: Women’s Feelings and Needs After Childbirth, a Support and Resource Guide (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2001) Stoop, David and Jan Stoop, The Complete Parenting Book (Grand Rapids, MI : Baker, 2004)

Single parents Brown, Susan. 365 Strategies for Positive Single Parenting (Macon, GA: Smyth & Helwys 1998) Hunter, Lynda. Parenting on Your Own (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1997) Klumpp, Michael A. The Single Dad's Survival Guide (New York: Random House, 2003) Leman, Kevin. Single Parenting That Works-Video Curriculum (Dallas, TX: Sampson Resources, 2002) Leman, Kevin. Single Parenting That Works-Workbook (Dallas, TX: Sampson Resources, 2002) Williams, James C. Single Parenting: Student Book, ProActive Parenting Series (Nashville, TN:Abingdon Press, 2004)

Adoption Melina, Lois Ruskai. Raising Adopted Children: Practical, Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent, Revised (New York: HarperCollins, 1998) Pavao, Joyce Maguire. The Family of Adoption. (Boston: Beacon Press, 1999)

324

Appendix Van Gulden, Holly and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb. Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the Adopted Child (New York: Crossroad, 1993 Periodicals Christian Parenting Today (Carol Stream, IL: Christianity Today) Websites http://parenting.ivillage.com/ From birth to age five: www.investinkids.ca From zero to three: www.zerotothree.org Today’s Parent: www.todaysparent.com Single parent: www.spfm.com

5. Separation and divorce or break-up of a relationship Books

Separation Bodmer, Judy. When Love Dies: How To Save A Hopeless Marriage (Nashville, TN: W Publishing, 1999) Chapman, Gary D. Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages can be Healed (Chicago, IL : Moody Publishers, 1996) Smalley, Gary Greg Smalley and Deborah Smalley. Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late: A Game Plan for Reconciling Your Marriage. (Nashville, TN: Nelson, 1999)

Divorce Burns, Bob and Tom Whiteman. The Fresh Start Divorce Recovery Workbook: A step-by-step program for those who are divorced or separated (Nashville, TN: Nelson, 1998) Bustanoby, Andre. But I Didn't Want a Divorce (Grand Rapids, MI : Zondervan 1978) Butterworth, Bill. New Life After Divorce: The Promise of Hope Beyond the Pain (Text and Workbook) (New York: Random House, 2005)

325

Stay Sane Through Change Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. What to Do When You Don't Know What to Do: Divorce & Lost Love (Brentwood, TN : Integrity Publishers, 2005) Fisher, Bruce and Robert Alberti. Rebuilding: when Your Relationship Ends (California: Impact , 1999) John Splinter. The Complete Divorce Recovery Handbook (Grand Rapids, MI : Zondervan 1992) Wallerstein, Judith and Sandra Blakeslee. What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2003) Whiteman, Thomas A. Your Kids and Divorce: Helping Them Grow beyond the Hurt (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 2001) Organizations / Support Groups Divorcecare Organization Websites www.divorcecare.org 6. Re-marriage and blended family relationships Books Estess, Patricia Schiff. Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage: Handling Delicate Financial Issues Intelligently and Lovingly. (New York: ASJA Press, 2001) Goodman, Karon Philips. The Stepmom’s Guide to Simplifying Your Life (CulverCity, CA : Equilibrium Press 2003) Lebey, Barbara. Remarried with Children, Ten Secrets for Successfully Blending and Extending Your Family (New York: Bantam 2004) Parrott III, Les. Once Upon a Family: Building a Healthy Home When Your Family Isn’t a Fairy Tale (Kansas City, MO: Beacon Hill Press, 1996) Parrott III, Les and Leslie Parrott. Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts: Nine Questions to Ask Before (And After) You Remarry (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2001) Wallerstein, Judith. Second Chances (New York: Ticknoff and Fields, 1989) Wright, H. Norman. Before You Remarry, A Guide to Successful Remarriage (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 1999)

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Appendix Websites www.stepcarefully.com www.stepfam.org www.blendingafamily.com www.istepfamily.com www.karongoodman.com www.family.org 7. Career moves Books Bennett, Donna. When You Lose Your Job (Minneapolis, MN : Augsburg / Fortress, 2002) Curtis, Rose and Warren Simons. The resume.com guide to writing unbeatable resumes (New York: McGrawHill, 2004) Holton III, Elwood F. and Sharon S. Naquin. So you are new again: How to succeed when you change jobs (San Francisco: Berrett-Kochler, 2001). Rawles, David. Finding a Job God’s Way: Moving into the HOV lane of your career (Garland TX: Hannibal Books, 2004) Websites www.resume.com www.monster.ca 8. Mid-life Career Exploration: from full time work to full time school Books Jones, Laurie Beth. The Path: Creating Your Mission Statement for Work and for Life (New York :Hyperion, 1998) Jones, Laurie Beth. Jesus, Inc.: the visionary path: an entrepreneur's guide to true success (New York: Crown Business, 2001) Siciliano, Tom and Jeff Caliguire, Shifting into Higher Gear: An Owner's Manual for Uniting Your Calling and Career (New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, 2005) Tracy, Diane. Take This Job and Love It: How to Turn the Job You Have into the Job You Want (Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks 2001)

327

Stay Sane Through Change 9. Career changes – The Carpenter becomes a Fisher of men Books Bolles, Richard Nelson and Mark Emery Bolles, What Color Is Your Parachute 2006: A Practical Manual for Jobhunters And Career-Changers, Revised and Updated (California: Ten Speed Press, 2005) Enelow, Wendy and Louise, M. Kursmark. Expert resumes for career changers (Indianapolis, IN: Jist Works 2005) Griffiths, Bob. Do What You Love for the Rest of Your Life: A Practical Guide to Career Change and Personal Renewal (New York : Ballantine Books 2003) Hofferber, Karen and Kim Isaacs. The Career Change Resume (New York: McGrawHill, 2003 ) Lore, Nicholas. The Pathfinder: How to Choose or Change Your Career for a Lifetime of Satisfaction and Success (New York: Fireside, 1998) Stein, Marky. Fearless Career Change : The Fast Track to Success in a New Field ( New York: McGraw Hill, 2004 Watters, Marge and Lynne O’Connor. It’s Your Move: A Personal and Practical Guide for Career Transition, Toronto, ON: HarperBusiness, 2001). Websites www.monster.com www.ResumePower.com www.jist.com www.careeroink.com 10. Salvation: Deleting the file that has the signature of the worm QZN Books Bickel, Bruce and Stan Jantz. Growing as a Christian 101: A Guide to Stronger Faith in Plain Language (Eugene, OR : Harvest House Publishers, 2005) Lucado, Max. Next Door Savior (Nashville, TN: W publishing, 2003) Osteen, Joel. Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential (London, U.K: Time Warner Book Group, 2004)

328

Appendix Simpson, Michael. I Believe, Now What? 40 Questions New Christians Ask (Colorado Springs, CO: Cook Communications, 2005) Websites www.powertochange.com/ http://bible.gospelcom.net/Gospelcom?s Bible Gateway www.jesusfilm.org/ The Jesus Film Project http://unbound.biola.edu/ The Unbound Bible http://crosswalk.com/ 11. Semi-retirement and Retirement Books Barnes, Helen, Jane Parry and Jane Lakey. Forging a new future: The experiences and expectations of people leaving paid work over 50, (York , U.K.: The Policy press – Joseph Rowntree Foundation, 2002) Bauer-Maglin, N. and A. Radosh eds. Women Confronting Retirement: A Nontraditional Guide. (New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press, 2003) Cullinane, Jan and Cathy Fitzgerald. The New Retirement: The Ultimate Guide to the Rest of Your Life, (New York: Rodale Books, 2004 Freudenheim, Ellen. Looking Forward : An Optimist’s Guide to Retirement (New York: Stewart, Tabori and Chang, 2004) Gambone, James V. Refirement: A Guide to Midlife and Beyond (Minneapolis, MN: Kirk House Publishers, 2000) Godwin, Johnie. How to Retire Without Retreating Getting Your Ducks in a Row for a Meaningful Retirement Uhrichsville, OH: Barbour & Co, 2004 Phillipson, Chris. Transitions from Work to Retirement: Developing a New Social Contract (Transitions After 50 Series),The Policy press in association with JRF 2003 Stone, Marika and Howard Stone. Too Young to Retire: 101 Ways to Start the Rest of Your Life (New York: Plume Books, 2004) Yogev, Sara. For better or for worse – but not for lunch: making marriage work after retirement (Chicago, IL : Contemporary Books, 2002) Websites

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Stay Sane Through Change www.aarp.org www.retirementwithapurpose.com www.refirement.com www.notyetretired.com www.seniorlinks.org www.2young2retire.com 12. Grandparenting and empty nesting Books

Grandparenting Bosak, Susan. How to Build the Grandma Connection. (Whitechurch-Stouffville, ON: The Communication Project, 2000) Kornhaber, Arthur. The Grandparent Guide: The Definitive Guide to Coping with the Challenges of Modern Grandparenting. (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2002) Strand, Robert. The Power of Grandparenting (Brainerd, MN : Evergreen Press, 2004)

Grandparents raising their own grandkids Callander, Joan. Second Time Around: Help for Grandparents Who Raise Their Children's Kids (Wilsonville, OR: Bookpartners, 1999) de Toledo, Sylvie and Deborah Alder Brown. Grandparents as Parents: A survival Guide for Raising a Second Family (New York: Guildford Press, 1995) Doucette-Dudman, Deborah. Raising Our Children's Children (Minnneapolis, MN : Fairview Press,1997) Houtman, Sally. To Grandma's House, We...Stay : When You Have to Stop Spoiling Your Grandchildren and Start Raising Them (St. Louis: MO: Studio 4 Productions Publishing Company,1999)

Empty nesting Arp, Claudia, and David Arp. The Second Half of Marriage: Facing the Eight Challenges of every long-term marriage (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1998) Arp, David, H. (ed.) Fighting for Your Empty Nest Marriage :re-inventing the relationship when the kids are gone (Jossey-Bass Publishers, San Francisco, Calif., 2000)

330

Appendix Burghardt, Linda. The Happy Empty Nest: Rediscovering Love and Success After Your Kids Leave Home, Citadel Press, 2002 Websites www.grandparenting.org www.grandparentworld.com 13. Loss of a loved one through death Books Brooks, Jane. Midlife Orphan: Facing Life's Changes Now That Your Parents Are Gone (New York: Berkley Publishing Group; New York 1999) Campbell, Scott and Phyllis Silverman . Widower: When Men Are Left Alone (Death, Value and Meaning) (New York: Baywood Publishing Company, 1996) Deits, Bob. Life after loss: A Personal Guide for Dealing with Death, Divorce, Job Change and Relocation (Tucson, Ariz.: Fisher Books, 2000). James, John W. and Russell Friedman. The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death Divorce, and Other Losses (New York HarperCollins; 1998) Noel, Brook and Pamela D. Blair. I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One (Belgium, WI: Champion Press, 2000) Organizations / Support Groups GriefShare Websites www.grief.net 14. Relocation and House moves Books Goodwin, Cathy. Making the Big Move: How to Transform Relocation into a Creative Life Transition (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications 1999) Miller, Susan. After the Boxes are Unpacked: Moving On after Moving in (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House, 1995) Miller, Susan. But Mom I Don’t Want to Move (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House, 2004)

331

Stay Sane Through Change Roman, Beverly D. and John Howells. The Insider’s Guide to Relocation (Guilford, CT: Globe Pequot Press, 2004) 15. Continuous Change: Daily Renewal Books Ford, Leighton. Transforming Leadership: Jesus' Way of Creating Vision, Shaping Values & Empowering Change (InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL: 1993) Lucado, Max. It's Not About Me (Brentwood, TN : Integrity Publishers, 2004) Russell, Bob and Rusty Russell. Jesus, Lord of Your Personality: Four Powerful Principles for Change (West Monroe, LA: 2002) 16. Go and do likewise - Taking on new leadership roles Books Cappel, Jerry and Lawanda Smith,. Transitions Companion (Learner's Guide) (Macon, GA: Smyth & Helwys, 1995) Cappel, Jerry and Lawanda Smith, Transitions Companion (Teaching Guide) (Macon, GA: Smyth & Helwys, 1994) Collins, Gary R. Christian Coaching: Helping Others Turn Potential into Reality (Colorado Springs, CO: Navpress, 2001) Jones, Laurie Beth .Jesus, Life Coach : Learn from the Best (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2004) Price, Wayne. In Transition: Navigating your way through changes (Harrisburg, PA : Morehouse 2002) Tengbom, Mildred. When Your Child's Marriage Ends (Minneapolis, MN : Augsburg / Fortress, 2002)

Marriage mentoring

Parrott, Les and Leslie Parrott. Mentoring Engaged Couples Participants' Guide (Grand Rapids, MI : Zondervan, 1997) Parrott, Les and Leslie Parrott. The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring(Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2005)

332

Appendix

Career guidance

Jist Publishing. Exploring Careers Instructor's Guide, Third Edition (Indianapolis, IN : Jist Publishing;, 2004)

Loss of a loved one

Wengerd, Sara. Healing Grief: Walking with Your Friend through Loss (Scottdale, PA : Herald Press, 2002) General theme of Jesus as a model Books Jones, Laurie Beth. Jesus in Blue Jeans: a practical guide to everyday spirituality Jones (Hyperion, New York, NY, 1997) Jones, Laurie Beth. Jesus, Life Coach: Learn from the Best (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2004) Lucado, Max. Just Like Jesus: Learning to Have a Heart Like His (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson / W, 2003) Audiovisual materials The Readers’ Digest Association, Jesus and His Times Among the People (Video) (Pleasantville New York: Home Entertainment Division, Reader’s Digest 1991)

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INDEX A acceptance, 31, 97, 124, 226, 256 accommodation, 51, 220, 280-287 adjusting, 19, 30, 77, 87, 98, 104, 109, 156, 181, 191, 247, 248, 256, 262, 277, 280, 296 adversity, 177 anger, 30, 89, 123, 124, 125, 126, 136, 142, 226, 231, 252, 256, 257, 258, 269 anxiety, 28, 30, 37, 42, 112, 126, 172, 231, 295 aspirations, 79, 114, 123 attitude, 31, 35, 36, 38, 44, 64, 74, 170, 196, 203, 216, 220, 224, 232, 259, 266, 296, 302, 305, 309 aversion, 293

B babies, 93, 96, 102, 103, 243 baby, 18, 21, 53, 80, 86, 91-112, 122, 149, 188, 224, 238, 242, 244, 249, 263, 264, 265 bargaining, 257 biomedicine, 50, 160, 176, 177, 191, 195, 208 blended families, 132-147, 239, 241 boss, 35, 155, 156, 170, 260 break-up, 127, 325 business, 50, 51, 76, 78, 107, 120, 162, 163, 164, 165, 210, 218, 230, 252, 264, 302

C camaraderie, 96, 181, 182, 191, 193, 278 career change, 110, 154-203, 219, 328 career exploration,157, 171-187, 244, 316 career move, 17, 153-170, 194-202, 279 carpenter,, 23, 187, 200 census, 94, 115, 116, 239 challenges, 70, 76, 122, 144, 155, 172, 190, 230, 239, 241, 258, 277

change, 23, 24, 27, 29, 34, 35, 36, 38, 39, 49, 77, 199, 215, 218, 220, 255, 305, 310 change-readiness, 37, 301, 302, 307 changing management, 213 childbirth, 93-112 children, 91, 99, 102, 123, 145, 278 choice, 17, 37, 50, 51, 54, 55, 56, 59, 81, 95, 121, 137, 229, 288 cleaving, 75 comfort, 29, 30, 52, 97, 129, 153, 155, 177, 200, 202, 227, 271, 291, 294, 301, 305 communication, 75, 83, 89, 96, 111, 118, 141, 249, 279, 318 community, 24, 28, 38, 78, 81, 82, 84, 87, 97- 107, 140, 141, 159, 161, 162, 163, 164, 165, 166, 167, 188, 197, 198, 215, 216, 223, 227, 233, 250, 259, 270, 277, 279, 281, 286, 287, 291, 295, 310, 311, 312 companion, 217 complex change, 19-24, 40, 41, 94, 146, 311 constant change, 19-25, 70, 211- 218, 220, 301, 306, 310, 311 constant moves, 294 continuous change, 304, 307, 309 core values, 84, 155, 195 couples, 72, 73, 80, 83, 89- 122, 132, 135, 139, 144, 147, 190 courage, 22, 23, 35, 41, 56, 57, 59, 61, 64, 103, 135, 170, 179, 181, 199, 219, 263, 264, 287, 294, 296, 306, 307, 312, 319 courtship, 76- 86, 135, 142, 323 culture, 71, 72, 73, 78, 100, 132, 155, 156, 163, 166, 170, 248, 277, 290, 291, 296

D dad, 50-59, 78, 83, 84, 142-147, 158, 159, 177, 178, 248, 249, 250-268, 283 dating, 52, 63, 71, 77, 78 daycare, 100, 103, 105

Stay Sane Through Change death, 17, 18, 27, 114, 115, 124, 131, 132, 133, 146, 178, 183, 189, 191, 212, 222, 232, 250, 255 - 275, 304, 331 death of a loved one, 255-270 decision, 51, 54, 57, 58, 59, 61, 64, 75, 84, 89, 104, 105, 111, 155, 164, 174, 176, 178, 185, 217, 218, 219, 226, 248, 251, 260, 264, 305 denial, 30, 124, 226, 231, 256, 258 depression, 95, 124, 227, 231, 258, 278 devastating, 114, 120 disappointment, 51, 120, 136, 226, 252 disciples, 41, 59, 169, 183, 187, 201, 271, 294 Discouragement, 43 divorce, 17, 70, 71, 72, 73, 113 -146, 189, 225, 238, 241, 275, 315, 325 doubt, 181, 219

father, 57, 75, 78, 80, 81, 88, 94-108, 143, 183, 191, 245, 250, 260, 261, 262, 263 fear, 28, 31, 34, 42, 73, 92, 118, 126, 137, 153, 173, 190, 226, 228, 231, 239, 271, 275 fears, 34, 44, 148, 166, 174, 182, 190, 202, 224, 230, 252, 277, 278 file, 209, 213, 214, 215, 217, 220, 317, 328 finance, 110 financial planning, 126, 227 first marriage, 72, 116, 131, 133, 134, 135, 136, 144, 146, 147 fisher of people, 187 forgiveness, 124, 125, 136 former spouse, 124, 127, 135, 138, 145, 148 friend, 57, 80, 107, 111, 139, 217, 255, 256, 260, 269, 270, 280, 282 friendship, 52, 77, 89, 105, 124, 139, 144, 252 fulfillment, 76, 81, 118, 134, 156, 157, 189, 223, 225, 227, 237, 240

E education, 20, 22, 49-64, 81, 121, 138, 158, 163, 171-184, 188, 194, 221, 279, 288, 318 employment, 17, 27, 79, 81, 84, 85, 103, 110, 154, 170-188, 190, 194, 222, 223, 230, 233, 238, 252, 267 Empowerer, 193, 194 empowerment, 24, 191, 195, 302, 309, 310, 311, 312 empty nest, 17, 37, 105, 240-276, 293, 318, 330 empty nesting, 37, 240, 242, 247, 330 encouragement, 22, 37, 113, 119, 193, 203 Equipper, 168, 193, 194 exploration, 45, 171 ex-spouse, 133, 134, 135, 136, 137, 138, 142, 143, 145, 146, 148

G ghosts of marriage past, 136 gold, 49 gospel,, 42, 82, 111, 112, 149, 161, 162, 177, 191, 192, 193, 194, 195, 214 grace, 129 graduation, 50- 79, 177, 266 grandchildren, 85, 222, 233- 251, 293, 318 grandparent, 238,-252 grandparenting 21, 45,96, 108, 218, 221, 237- 253, 331 grief, 114, 127, 143, 226, 256-271, 331 grieve, 18, 124, 127, 256, 260, 269 grieving, 101, 103, 124, 126, 136, 231, 256-270, 318 guilt, 123, 215, 226, 258

F faith, 33, 35, 38, 44, 50, 78, 84, 99, 101, 103, 125, 128, 141, 159, 160, 183, 184, 192, 199, 219, 248, 253, 263, 264, 266, 268, 269, 283, 286, 287, 292, 294, 295 family, 76, 117, 134, 138 family life, 33, 87, 123, 141, 148, 180, 231, 246, 275, 279, 285

H hard work, 33, 73, 95, 100, 108, 119, 135, 145, 160, 172, 175, 187, 210, 311 Healer, 168

336

Index healing, 32, 112, 114, 127, 128, 143, 149, 167, 168, 259, 268, 269, 270, 272, 306, 319 health, 36, 95, 109, 126, 127, 142, 143, 222, 225, 227, 228, 230, 231, 233, 284, 296 high school, 27, 49, 50, 55, 63, 77, 83, 120, 177, 190, 218, 303 homeless, 280, 282 honeymoon, 76, 88, 145 hope, 22, 23, 42, 98, 113, 114, 115, 119, 141, 149, 234, 269, 271, 302 hopeless, 124 house move, 123, 142, 218, 231, 233, 275 - 297 humor, 36, 44, 89, 148, 203 hungry, 249 husband, 72, 74, 88, 93-118, 124, 128, 139, 189, 190, 202, 229, 230, 242, 243, 247, 261, 280, 284

K knowledge, 34, 74, 93, 153, 156, 158, 171, 180, 208, 228

L laughter, 36, 91, 301 leader, 23, 169, 212, 215, 269, 271, 310 leadership, 24, 76, 159, 167, 174, 175, 180, 188, 197, 198, 227, 283, 310, 311, 332 legacy, 223, 233, 238, 250, 265, 267, 268 life-altering, 114 life-changing, 21, 101, 114, 177, 192, 195, 218, 263, 264 lifestyle, 21, 30, 34, 36, 38, 61, 69, 70, 71, 73, 87, 89, 92, 105, 106, 108, 115, 127, 148, 179, 188, 191, 195, 200, 222, 224, 228, 230, 231, 240, 255, 259, 277, 278 loneliness, 52, 81, 123, 137, 231, 241, 257, 259, 269 loss of control, 109 love, 41, 49, 69, 78, 83, 88, 89, 91, 106, 112, 114, 118, 120, 122, 129, 131, 134, 135, 137, 147, 160, 161, 162, 171, 172, 222, 225, 244, 249, 261, 266, 271, 275, 291, 303, 306

I independence, 69, 73, 76, 87, 95, 109, 248, 258 in-laws, 73- 91, 95-133, 144, 246, 251, 291 Internet, 19, 20, 71, 310 inventory, 33, 157, 170, 179

J

M

Jesus as our model, 41, 59, 167, 183, 200, 270, 293 job, 17, 19, 31, 32, 34, 38, 49, 51, 53, 54, 55, 62, 63, 64, 79, 85, 99, 102, 103, 104, 105, 120, 122, 140, 154-170, 173-189, 190, 191, 192, 195, 200, 201, 203, 208, 225- 250, 256, 266, 268, 276, 277, 278, 284, 286, 288, 291, 293 job loss, 17, 176, 231 jobs, 17, 53, 54, 62, 76, 79, 82, 86, 104, 144, 154, 156, 161, 172, 188, 201, 224, 271, 277, 290, 294, 316, 327 journal, 252, 297 joy, 18, 41, 69, 70, 79, 91, 97, 99, 101, 103, 104, 107, 108, 112, 128, 129, 131, 159, 167, 182, 191, 240, 242, 244, 264

management, 14, 62, 172, 175, 180, 210, 213, 214, 215, 216, 217, 218, 219, 220 managing change, 37, 145, 213, 220, 313 marriage, 17, 21, 24, 69-91, 93, 96, 97, 100, 103, 104, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117- 148, 202, 218, 219, 221, 225, 230, 241, 242, 246, 314, 315, 318, 323, 324, 326, 329, 330 memories, 141, 226, 233, 250, 262, 263, 264, 266, 267, 283, 287, 292, 293, 295 mentor, 37, 45, 98, 233, 241, 252, 256, 266, 267, 271, 311, 312, 348 Mid-life, 172 ministry, 23, 41, 42, 50, 51, 59, 60, 79, 81, 83, 87, 104, 111, 148-173, 174 -200, 218, 219, 243, 246, 260, 267, 268, 291, 294

337

Stay Sane Through Change Pastor, 3, 54, 81, 106, 162, 163, 164, 196, 198, 242, 288, 292 patterns, 18, 72, 136, 146, 223, 224, 277 peace, 43, 70, 104, 113, 128, 137, 209, 281, 289 personal management system, 213-220, 302 personal relationship, 24, 41, 189, 194, 201, 212, 213, 217, 218, 234, 302 pharmacist, 54- 58, 85, 157, 158, 178, 193, 208, 284 pharmacy, 56-59, 83, 84, 85, 156-160, 178, 181, 192, 207, 264, 266, 267, 284 philosophy, 164, 196, 197 planning, 55, 62, 63, 64, 74, 79, 80, 95, 101, 182, 225, 226, 227, 228, 229, 279, 313, 322 power, 23, 34, 74, 107, 198, 202, 203, 212, 213, 215, 217, 218, 219, 227, 261, 306

mission, 41, 42, 54, 59, 60, 82, 168, 183, 191, 192, 193, 199, 200, 202, 223, 294 mix and match, 72, 73 model, 23, 41, 59, 60, 112, 167, 183, 191, 200, 220, 224, 225, 270, 293, 296, 301, 333, 348 mom, 18, 39, 40, 79, 85, 96, 99, 101, 143, 171, 229, 248, 261, 262, 263, 264, 265, 267, 268 money, 51, 53, 54, 90, 111, 118, 148, 163, 178, 201, 202, 215, 216, 222, 223, 224, 225, 228, 229, 230, 231, 233, 245 mother, 18, 75, 88, 94-108, 112, 141, 143, 239, 243, 253- 265 mourning, 32, 101, 127, 250, 256, 259, 264, 267, 270, 271

N non-resident parent, 145, 148

Q

O

quest, 192, 209, 237

ocean, 17, 18, 54, 159, 276, 304 onset, 85, 125 options, 35, 40, 42, 44, 55, 56, 59, 62, 64, 72, 73, 84, 89, 98, 110, 119, 159, 167, 170, 227, 230, 232, 251, 258, 264, 278, 284 outlook, 19, 96, 128, 134, 136, 137, 157, 172, 194, 213, 216, 241, 245, 252 overwhelmed, 33, 64, 90, 109, 269, 305

R R&D, 161 Re-assurance, 129 reconciliation, 115, 119, 125, 315 recovery, 119, 124, 126, 149, 210, 259 relationships,17, 19, 22, 28, 63, 69, 70, 71, 72, 77, 86, 88, 91, 95, 123- 158, 170, 189, 190, 191, 196, 201, 211, 218, 225, 238, 240, 246, 251, 258, 290, 326 religion, 128 relocation, 29, 31, 33, 38, 87, 104, 123, 127, 153, 155, 156, 189, 190, 219, 229, 231, 233, 275-301, 318, 319 remarriage, 70, 118, 131- 149, 225, 238, 240, 241 remuneration, 155, 172, 189, 195, 222 renewal, 22, 124, 233, 301- 309 repositioning, 196 research, 58, 82, 100-102, 157, 158, 159, 160, 161, 179, 192, 195, 208, 280, 282, 283, 284, 286, 310 residence, 74, 174, 180, 258, 276, 277-292

P paradox, 255, 264, 305 parasites, 207- 209 parent, 92-111, 121, 124, 127, 132, 135, 145, 146, 147, 148, 200, 241, 246, 270, 318, 325 parenting, 17, 19, 91-111, 112, 123, 145, 146, 148, 188, 218, 219, 240, 245, 246, 247, 251, 325 partner, 21, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 81, 89119, 122-148, 195, 225, 233, 241, 242, 252, 258, 259, 277, 278, 295 pastor, 54, 162, 174, 175, 197, 267, 291

338

Index stepgrandchildren, 241 stepmother, 146 stepparenting, 138, 146 strength, 34, 35, 41, 59, 64, 89, 101, 103, 109, 111, 128, 146, 148, 160, 167, 170, 183, 184, 193, 196, 199, 200, 203, 219, 231, 251, 253, 269, 296, 301, 302, 307, 309 strength for the journey, 196 struggles, 23, 28, 33, 42, 44, 73, 93, 111, 113, 179, 183, 195, 221, 258, 270 success, 62, 64, 156, 188, 198, 203, 252, 327 support system, 24, 31, 37, 44, 64, 89, 114, 147, 233, 277, 278, 309

resources, 25, 35, 44, 51, 59, 61, 62, 64, 76, 88, 94, 110, 119, 125, 145, 147, 171, 178, 181, 184, 192, 202, 203, 222, 232, 239, 251, 268, 270, 295, 297, 348 retirement, 21, 22, 126, 188, 221- 238, 258, 288, 317, 329 retirement dreams, 225, 228, 258 retirement transition, 225 retraining, 50, 172, 173, 187, 188, 191 romantic relationship, 17, 63, 69, 131, 323

S sanity, 21, 23, 39, 40, 60, 182, 212, 213, 287, 306, 310, 311 satisfaction, 41, 69, 70, 91, 137, 155, 237, 238 Savior, 41, 59, 88, 167, 293 schedule, 18, 57, 63, 64, 79, 83, 89, 99, 100, 102, 106, 175, 184, 222, 244, 251, 281 search, 70, 159, 177, 181, 183, 189, 265, 278, 284, 286, 310 second marriage, 119, 133-146 self-esteem, 125, 222, 228 self-worth, 123, 128, 183, 222 seminary, 174-195, 244, 267, 268 semi-retirement, 222 sense of identity, 124, 193, 286 separation, 17, 72, 113-144, 211, 212, 278 settling, 25, 87, 191, 229, 279, 285 shock, 124, 257, 263, 277, 290 sin, 211-217 skills, 17, 53, 62, 63, 75, 83, 109, 140, 141, 143, 154, 156, 158, 162, 163, 165, 170-192, 203, 270, 311 social readjustment, 115, 255 spouse, 18, 20, 54, 76-115, 122-159, 174, 177, 179, 231- 289, 290-297, 318 statistics, 116, 117, 132, 134, 223, 276 staysanethroughchange.com, 1, 45, 90, 112, 129, 130, 149, 220, 234, 253, 272, 297, 307, 310, 312, 348, 349 stepfamilies, 71, 94, 132, 133, 145, 147 stepfamily, 132, 134, 142, 145, 146, 147, 148 stepfather, 138

T teaching, 34, 76, 84, 85, 87, 97, 159, 161, 167, 168, 176, 180, 208 team builder, 169 technologies, vii, 19, 60, 93, 122 time management, 53, 62, 64, 100, 175, 180, 184 tips, 23, 32, 37, 40, 61, 64, 88, 98, 110, 114, 125, 145, 181, 182, 202, 232, 233, 259, 268, 295, 301 tired, 39, 225 tools, 22, 23, 24, 25, 37, 40, 60, 119, 157, 164, 183, 270, 310, 311, 313 trauma, 115, 119, 131, 255 twelve tips, 40

U university, 49-64, 82, 84, 85, 86, 97, 99, 100, 157, 158, 159, 167- 191, 268 update, 20, 35, 93, 110, 173

V violent, 287 viruses, 207, 208, 210, 217

W wedding, 59- 98, 114, 121, 139, 145, 247 well-being, 36, 44, 64, 69, 109, 224, 225, 238, 241, 251

339

Stay Sane Through Change words of wisdom, 42, 43, 65, 87, 112, 148, 185, 233, 253 worms, 207, 208

wife, 19, 54, 72, 74, 75, 79-108, 118, 120, 124, 174, 190, 202, 244, 247, 260, 262, 291, 316 wisdom, 35, 63, 65, 89, 111, 112, 126, 135, 146, 185, 222, 227, 233, 237, 238, 250, 251, 253, 306, 309 Words of comfort, 271 Words of healing, 128

Z Zaccheus, 213- 220

340

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