Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversations [Paperback ed.] 094205525X, 9780942055252

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SELF PARENTING THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO

YOUR INNER CONVERSATIONS

LEARN TO LOVE, SUPPORT AND NURTURE YOUR "INNER" CHILD

JOHN K. POLLARD, ILLUSTRATED BY

III

UNDA NUSBALJM

'^Learning to love your self,

f9

What began as one man's hobby in 1970 is now an international phenomenon. John Pollard's unique

SELF-PARENTING^ Program

is supported in cities throughout the United States and Australia, and many therapists are now practicing Self-Parenting with their

patients.

"My

initial

comment Not only

fascinating.

WOW!

is is

it

I

found the book absolutely

easy to read and understand,

it is

no longer find it necessary to judge myself in the negative ways in which I had become so expert." complete.

I

— Georgia "In

Engels, Sydney, Australia

my ACOA support groups we have talked about the Inner

Child

many times,

but until

I

read your book

I

really didn't

understand what to do or what was meant by the child within.

Thank you very much

for getting right to the nitty-gritty."

—Michael Winslow, Wilmington,

E

you how much your book has changed my life. I therapy off and on for most of my life and nothing I've done has helped improve my outlook on life as much as reading your book and practicing the Self-Parenting exercises. Thank you, John, the exercises work and they do won"I

can't

tell

have been

ders for I

in

my outlook each day.

know it's like

saved a

life

I

a miracle, truly a gift

somewhere because

—Joanna

Valenti,

know why they work, but from God. You may have

don't

of the book."

Canyon Country, CA

"SELF-PARENTING breaks new ground. fantastic the

experience

is

I've

hard to describe!"

—Paul Bernard, Sydney, Australia

been

feeling so

"Your book SELF-PARENTING you've written

is

is

too good to be true.

somehow exactly what I

already

felt

What

but no

words before. The best part is that it simple but so exhilarating. Thank you for explaining "me" book. I really feel like I am my own best company." one has ever put

into

is

so

in a

—Marcia Michelmas, Los Angeles, CA "A blessing on your head for your wonderful work. I've been with a therapist for three months working your technique and feel a big

—Lydia "I

I

change."

wish to express

Goldstein,

Tamarac, FL

how helpful

your book and the sessions

have been to me."

—Richard Fong, "John,

I

want you

to

Vancouver,

BC

know that reading your book and doing I will now be able

the exercises have been very valuable to me. to prevent depressions

by staying intimately

in

touch with

my

inner child and encouraging both inner parent and inner child to express their feelings

Win

and wants and needs and go

for

Win/

solutions."

—Jack Lopez,

Portland,

OR

"Combining your book with my spiritual part has been unbelievable. During one of my spiritual meditations I grabbed hands with my Inner Child and walked straight into the heart of God."

— Rodney Roesch, Long Beach, CA "SELF-PARENTING

— Susan

is

the essence of everything!"

Garrett, Sydney, Australia

SELF PARENTING THE COMPLETE GUIDE

TO YOUR INNER CONVERSATIONS

John K. Pollard,

Illustrations

Generic

m

by Linda Nusbaum

Human Studies Publishing Malibu, California

mmmmm

This

book

memory and works

dedicated to the

is

of

Max Freedom Long. It is

my sincere desire that

inspire

and teach others

as

Self-Parenting will

much

as his

amazing

discoveries have inspired,

and continue

to inspire,

me.

PUBUSHER'S NOTE The

and suggestions contained

ideas, procedures,

in this

book

intended as a substitute for consulting with your physician.

are not

All matters

regarding your health require medical supervision.

©copyright 1987 John K. Pollard All rights reserved.

No

III

part of this publication, text or illustrations,

reproduced or transmitted

in

any form or by any means, except

may be

for

purposes

of review, without the express written permission of the publisher. Published by

Generic

Human Studies Publishing

28128 Pacific Coast Highway, Suite l6l, P.O. Box 6466, Malibu, CA 90265 Additional copies of this title may be ordered through Ingram, Baker & Taylor or your local distributor.

Design by Words Printed

in

& Deeds,

Los Angeles

the United States of America

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Pollard,JohnK.,1950Self-parenting

:

the complete guide to your inner conversations.

Bibliography: p. 1.

Happiness.

2.

Self-perception.

5. I.

3-

—Problems, exercises, Self-perception — Problems, exercises,

Problem-solving

Imaginary conversations.

etc.

etc.

Title

BF575.H27P65 1987 ISBN 0-942055-25-X (pbk.)

158M 10 9 8 7 6 5 4

86-83037

4.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I

have many thanks to

—

to Michael

Hesse who made the

1969 and taught

—

to

give:

Maryann

first

introductions in

me so much;

Ridini

and Bro Half for

editorial advice

and the reassuring guidance of professionals from the

—

to

start;

Greg Stanley for his amazing Whitehall Seminar

and our many late night conversations inspired, encouraged,

follow

in

which he

and empowered me

to

my dream;

—

to

—

to Ralph Strauch, for advice

my staff and patients at F.C.C., whose support and dedication enabled me to research and write; and support on the

Mac, as well as outstanding Feldenkrais treatments;

—

to Australia

— Di

and

its

people:

Searle, a Living

book

Goddess,

who made this

especially accessible to

— Peter & Judy Derig whose nurturing,

was so

all;

love, support,

freely given

and

is

and

so deeply

appreciated;

— the Sydney

kids,

Meredith Paton and Angela

Thornton, for being the

first

to see the light, as

well as organizing

and co-teaching the

first Self-

Parenting Trainings;

—

to Linda

Cobb and Judi Andersen

advice, editing, feedback,

for their insightful

and support back

in

the U.S.A;

—

to

Dan

Poynter, Linda

Nusbaum and Suzette Mahr

for their highly conscious "real world" contributions

and

—

to

brilliant

Tim

support launching

Failing,

without whose friendship

have been able to complete

To

all

this effort; I

wouldn't

this project.

of the above and more, thank you; there

yet to come.

is

so

much

CONTENTS ix

Introduction

Parti

YOUR INNER CONVERSATIONS 1

Have You Ever Heard A Conversation

In

Your Mind?

3

2

Who Is Your Inner Parent^

29

3

Who Is Your Inner Child?

49

4 Listening To Your Inner Conversations

73

Partn

INNER CONFUCTS 5

Inner Conflicts: Problems With

Your Inner

109

Conversations

6 Resolving Inner Story

Conflicts:

One Man's 123

1

7 Eight Steps

Of Inner Conflict

Resolution

139

8 Self-Parenting Your Inner Conflicts:

Your Future

155

Part in

THE SELF-PARENTING EXERCISES 9 Opening Up The Dialogue Between Your Inner Parent and Inner Child

177

10

Advancing The Self-Parenting Exercises

209

1

More Ways To Use The

12

Self-Parenting

Exercises

229

Self-Parenting: Final Notes

247

INTRODUCTION Each of us Self-Parents within our mind time.

We may not be aware of we do.

the fact that

it,

but

Self-Parenting

is

this

all

the

doesn't change

a natural

of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in Self-Parenting decisions daily that reflect the

component

life.

We make

way our

Inner Parent and Inner Child voices combine in our

mind

By becoming more

to interact with our environment.

aware of the way we Self-Parent within our Inner Conversations,

we can start to make conscious choices in our than acting by default.

lives rather

SELF-PARENTING: The Complete Guide to

Your Inner Conversations is

divided into three sections

to facilitate understanding of the fundamental concepts of

positive Self-Parenting.

Part sations.

One introduces you

to

your Inner Conver-

These four chapters introduce and describe the

voices of the Inner Parent and the Inner Child as well as

show how

these voices interact within the Inner Conver-

sations of your mind.

Conversations

Becoming aware of your Inner

initiates

Level One, or intellectual, under-

standing of the Self-Parenting process.

Part

Two introduces you to your Inner Conflicts.

Inner Conflicts occur between the needs of your Inner

Parent and Inner Child within your Inner Conversations. Practical

examples and steps show you

Inner Conflicts with the positive

how to resolve

Win/Win

solution.

Experiencing the source of your Inner Conflicts Level

Two, or emotional, understanding of the

initiates

Self-

Parenting process.

Part Three introduces you to the Self-Parenting Exercises.

By practicing

thirty-minute sessions in the

prescribed manner, you will experience benefits in your

provides

life.

many positive

Designed as a workbook,

many examples and practical ways

Self-Parenting in the "real world." Learning

this section

to facilitate

and

practicing

the half-hour sessions initiates Level Three, or practical,

understanding of the Self-Parenting process.

As each section builds on the previous

recommended

that time

and care be taken

section,

to thoroughly

understand each section of SELF-PARENTING:

The

Complete Guide To Your Inner Conversations going to the next. In will

this

it is

before

way your Self-Parenting sessions

have the greatest opportunity

for success.

PART

I

YOUR INNER CONVERSATIONS

I

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION IN YOUR

MIND?

4

•

SELF-PARENTING

Have you ever heard a conversation in your mind?

If

you think you have,

think if

you

haven't, or

you are saying

to

yourself right now:

**Well, if I

I'm not sure

ever have heard

a conversation in

my mind..." ...then stop, take a

minute, and

you might

listen;

just

be

hearing an internal

dialogue that sounds

something

like this:

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION

IN

YOUR MIND?

•

INNER CONVERSATION: While reading A: "Me?

this

book

A conversation in my mind?

What does

that

meaa^"

B:

A: "Maybe

it's

know, but I don't think I should be having conversations "I

don't

in

my mind."

when you hear voices." B:

"No way!

I

can't

hear voices in

tell

anybody

my head.

that

I

They'll

think I'm crazy."

A: "Well, maybe, but there

going on in there. B:

I

some kind ofconversation

is

think a

"I

lot."

don't know.

Maybe once

I

talked to myself."

A:

"I

think

come to

do hear conversations

I

in

my mind,

think of it." B:

"Yeah,

A: "What kind of book B:

"I

I

is this

guess you could say

anyway?"

don't know, but

I

want

to

find out."

A:

"Me

too."

B:

A: "Okay!"

"So, keep reading and see what happens."

that."

5

I

W>MflflMA««n(l(WMflr

rtlW^^

i

6«8ELF-PARENTINe

There are conversations going

your mind

on

all

They are very deep, very subtle, and the

inside

the time

exchanges happen very quickly. Inner Conversations occur

much more quickly than ordinary conversations between two people. At

first,

when introduced to the concept of your

Inner Conversations, you This

is

may not believe they even

exist.

because they take place below the surface level of

your awareness. Once you become aware of their existence, however,

you

will start to

hear

some of the

louder Inner Conversations going on inside your mind. After a short period of time the presence of your Inner

Conversations will

become very familiar to you.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION

»

IN

•

YOUR MIND?

•

r ^".j.'

Once you start listening carefully to

your

Inner Conversations and

begin using the Self-Parenting exercises in this guide, will

you

hear them throughout

your waking

all

activities.

They occur while you are

reading,

making

love,

eating dinner, watching television, riding in the car,

walking your dog, sunning

the beach, or during any other activity

you can name.

at

7

•

SELF-PARENTING

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION

IN

YOUR MIND?

Inner Conversations also take place

mind when you

in

•

9

your

are riding a bike, planning a vacation,

bowling, going to school, hiking in the mountains, or jogging in Central Park.

(I

can hear that one

right

now!)

They occur on first dates, second dates, and all

following dates. Inner Conversations

ously disappear the

moment you

do not

mysteri-

turn eighteen, twenty-

one, forty, or even sixty for that matter.

They are a

daily,

weekly, and monthly staple of your emotional/ mental diet.

Certain Inner Conversations with specific themes can

be repeated and continued

for years

surrounding them are not resolved.

if

the circumstances

10 •

SELF-PARENTING

This Self-Parenting guide outlines

many

typical

examples of Inner

Conversations recorded by students

during thirty-minute sessions called "Self-Parenting Exercises."

These

half-hour sessions will enable

you

to

recognize these mental discussions

and teach you how

to understand

and use your own Inner Conversations to Self-Parent in a positive way.

ere

is

an example of

a simple

Inner

Conversation

that

you might have had once or twice

after

work or school:

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION

IN

YOUR MIND?

ESNER CONVERSATION:

A single adult around six o'clock, after

A: "What shall

we do for dinner?" B:

A: "Well,

you

work or school.

better

"I

don't know."

have something to eat or

you'll pass out."

B:

"Peanut butter sandwiches."

A: "Don't be ridiculous, that's what we had for lunch." B:

"I'm not hungry then."

A: "Yeah, but you will be. There's nothing in the fridge." B.

"Let's

go

to the store."

A: "I'd like to but there's no time. We've got to leave at seven o'clock for that lecture

on

Self-Parenting."

B:

stop at McDonald's the way."

"Let's

on A:

"We

did that yesterday and the day before." B:

"How about Burger King, it's

A: "Okay, sounds good.

real close!" ." .

•

11

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ia*tilF-PARENTINO

Always remember

that

your Inner

Conversations happen almost sub-

—as

consciously pilot.

if

on automatic ^^.^

nner Conversations

V ' ^

.

also occur with

more

intensity during

more

stressful life situations

such as the following:

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION

IN

YOUR MIND?

BSNER CONVERSATION:

A worried mother whose daughter hasn't come home at eleven o'clock when she said she would.

A:

"Oh god! Where's my baby?" B:

A: "But

it's

11:30

"Don't worry. She'll be

and

she's not

fine.'

home yet."

B: "She's probably just having fun and forgot the time."

•

13

14 •

A:

SELF-PARENTING

"What

if

she's hurt?" B:

A:

"If

my baby is

"You worry too much, she'll be home any minute now.

hurt

I'll

never

forgive myself." B:

good girl and

"She's a

anything happens

and

if

she'll call

us know."

let

A: "I'm going to call Suzie's mother to see

if

she's over there." B:

"Now you're sound

A:

"I

am a Frantic Fran, B:

A: "Maybe

I

should B:

like a Frantic Fran."

give

me a break!"

"At least wait another half-hour." call

the police."

"Maybe you should calm down."

(The phone A:

"Oh

starting to

rings!)

my god, what if that's the hospital." B:

"Phew, maybe

now we can

find out what's going

calm A: "What

if it's

down

on and

for a while."

not her?" B:

"Answer the phone. It's rung twice already."

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION

IN

YOUR MIND?

•

15

Don't these Inner Conversations

sound

familiar?

Aren't they typical of the kinds of

thoughts that might

mn through

your mind in similar people

situations?

Most

aware of

aren't consciously

their Inner Conversations.

They

simply don't think about them

because they occur so

naturally.

Outer conversations between people

are easy to

study and understand, since they occur in the outer physical world.

They can be recorded,

written

down, and

then analyzed.

Your Inner Conversations on the other hand are much more

difficult to

study carefully. They occur

mentally inside your mind and can't be recorded, even

though

their existence

is

just as real.

NMMMMIMMM^^ 14 •

SELF-PARENTING

Learning more about your Inner Conversations can help you

in

many ways. Your

the key to your true thoughts

and

Inner Conversations are

you must

feelings. Since

know what you want in order to get it, your Inner Conversations will tell you, in the most direct way possible, what you are thinking and

exactly

get exactly

The

feeling so that

what you want. first

step to positive Self-Parenting

your conscious awareness to

sensitivity to

Inner Conversations.

to train

You will

of

By practicing and

using the Self-Parenting Exercises found in Part

develop a deep

is

listen to the specific types

Inner Conversations that only you have.

will

you can

III,

you

and awareness of your

learn

methods

to record

may study and improve also learn how to use these

your Inner Conversations so you your Self-Parenting. You

will

thirty-minute sessions to easily resolve any Inner Conflicts that

develop in your mind.

Studying your Inner Conversations can also reveal the concealed barriers to your personal happiness!

Every emotional/mental problem you have in place

initially as

sations.

life

a conflict within your Inner Conver-

Whether you are

afraid,

bored, confused, or

angry, your Inner Conversations are telling thing:

what you need

make

it

do next

to

easier or better.

to

you some-

improve your

The more you

life will

become.

life,

to

learn to positively

Self-Parent within your Inner Conversations, the

meaningful your

takes

more

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION

IN

YOUR MIND?

•

17

Your Inner Conversations: Who Are the Participants? For there to be a conversation inside

your mind,

it

must occur between

two points of view. existed in your

only one voice

mind it wouldn't

have anyone else to respond to

If

talk to

or

it.

These two voices are called the Inner Parent Child.

and the Inner

They have amazingly different

personalities

and

characteristics.

1t«IELF-PARENTINO

When you were young you absorbed and

internalized the

personalities of your father

and

mother (or

their equivalent roles).

part of the

normal process of human

As

development, you were biologically

programmed to model and mimic their behavior.

As a

result,

by the

age of seven, you unconsciously

absorbed your parents' ideas, viewpoints,

and mannerisms. These

attitudes

and

opinions became the voice for one side of

your mental Inner Conversation: the

Inner Parent.

— HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION

IN

YOUR MIND?

•

19

As a child you also had your

own pint-sized ego and outlook

on life. You judged and formed a

set

of opinions and reactions to your parents and the world around you. Right or

wrong you made

about the

decisions

way things were in the

world and these were also recorded in

Today this voice

still

reacts within

you the

same way

when

as

you were young even though your childhood might

have been twenty, forty,

or sixty years

ago. This voice called the

ChUd.

is

Inner

your mind.

aD*tELF-PARENTINe

Your Inner Conversations are the dialogue between these two

different voices.

These two points of

view within you also represent the interaction between the rational

mind

(thinking)

and the emotional heart

(feeling).

Each voice in your Inner Conversations has a particular style

and method of approaching the prob-

lems of living. The Inner Parent has intellectual advice,

Child has

its

and

its

mental opinion,

rational reasoning.

The Inner

emotional feelings, irrational reactions, and

subjective responses. Both Selves have needs they feel are

important and that they want met.

As you go through life you are confronted with different choices and ways to handle your experiences.

You make

outer choices based

on the two Inner

Voices of your mind. Sometimes these voices are in

harmony; other times they disagree. The decisions you

make and

the circumstances in your

life

result

from the

combined opinions of both Inner Parent and Inner Child as to the best

way to handle your life

circumstances.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION

Frequently your Inner

IN

YOUR MIND?

reflect

21

These confrontations, called

Conversations will

•

Inner

conflicts, take the

disagreement

form of classic outer parent/outer child

between the two

arguments except they occur within

Inner Voices,

your mind. This

is

because the types of

problems you tions

were

now experience in your Inner Conversa-

first

encountered as outer problems while you

were growing up.

Outer conflicts you have had with

"significant

others" such as your parents, grandparents, or other role

models are Conflicts.

now being repeated inside your mind as

They have become

Inner

internalized versions of your

actual outer parent/outer child conflicts

which remain

unresolved. Positive Self-Parenting will enable you to resolve Inner Conflicts by helping both voices of your

Inner Conversations to meet their needs.

22 •

SELF-PARENTING

ere

is

another

example of an

Inner Conversation volunteered by one of our workshop participants:

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION

IN

YOUR MIND?

WANT A Pfeca O^ CAK6,

Q /(/

7

k

fi\^

^

I

'))

.

PCN'TBAT THAT CAK6 ! YOU'LL GAIN miCHX PHo TURN itrvo a pat P(6

D

If

You ARB^ HUMBLY BAT UMBTHfNO MBAUTHY.

f

PON'T

WANl SOMBTHfNe I ^ANT CMOCOLATB

HBALtHY,

YOuVa BATBN PINNBB, ALRBAPY, 60 TOBBP.

WW

JU^r A ^MAIM VIBjCE. SfNCB i'M GOING TO BBC?

You SHOt/LPNT BA7 BBfORe OOING TO BBO IT UJILL WIUJ INTO fAT. '.

(

c

OON'T CAUB* I'M HUNGHYI

\ I

•

23

M'SSLP-PARENTING

ow about another classic

Inner Con-

versation culled

from the experiences of a thousand outer conversations:

HAVE VOU EVER HEARD A

ANP C/r. THAT

^;^;^^^Srr^^^r^^^7r^

OtPN'X BAT

t

Ml/CN.

Yoo WANT TO

ear

OiAMPS ANO Dfg.

stomach THAT tt

/«

d

so. IT'S HOT ANO I TO OOOUOFF.

WANT

c I

DON'T

CA^B^

HOM HOT

YdO OON*T 60 IN THAT POR CHE HOOK,.

IT

n

Poou

mim$mmmmm$mmmmmmmimmimmmmmmmmmmmmimmmmmmiimmmmmmmmmmm 36 •

SELF-PARENTING

Have you noticed that these Inner Conversations sound just like the outer ones

you may have had

in

the past with your outer parents?

GOOD! The

difference

is

that

once you tune into them, you will find those outer conversations with your

parents are STILL

HAPPENING

inside

your mind!

They occur even when your parents are not in sight,

even

if

they've been dead for

many years.

This

is

because your Inner Conversations continue to influence

your

life

as a mental replay of the teachings

learned during your childhood.

and

conflicts

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD A CONVERSATION

YOUR MIND?

IN

As you begin listening more and more Inner Conversations you will gain these

This

book

will

show you how

you can improve your

to start

your

distinctly.

opening up your

more conscious awareness so life

and your

27

familiarity with

two voices and hear each of them more

Inner Conversations to

self

more

to

•

feelings

that

about your-

immeasurably.

With positive Self-Parenting you

how

will also learn

to resolve Inner Conflicts that are preventing

from experiencing happiness, meaning, and your

life.

Positive Self-Parenting within

Conversations

is

you

fulfillment in

your Inner

the key to your personal happiness.

MMMMIMMNMI

^lllia8lillllWIIIII0flC00i000O0eil0M

II

l^^

(

•SELF-PARENTING

Training and experience allow the positive Inner Parent to

become

thinking and intellectual

you

that

spends a

the consequences

lot

highly developed in rational activity.

This

is

the voice within

of time "figuring things out" with

and

all

ramifications.

The Inner Parent is

also

good at making

choices which involve complicated issues. actions into past, present,

and

future.

It

It

breaks

down

enjoys drawing

up

boundaries, legal documents, and using facts and figures.

Much

of our outer communication

is

voice of the Inner Parent, especially

be

derived from the

when we are trying to

polite or formal.

The positive Inner Parent provides and support

for the Inner Child

stability

by being nurturing and

loving during Self-Parenting interactions with the Inner Child. Part of this process

is

achieved by the elimination

of negative self-programming. The other part comes from practicing positive Self-Parenting styles within your Inner

Conversations, as discussed in Part If your

did a will

III.

outer parents and significant others

good job of nurturing you during childhood, you

have a

positive, nurturing Inner Parent.

WHO

IS

YOUR INNER PARENT?

•

30

The Negative Inner Parent The negative Inner Parent is ceptible to the neglectful ior that

sus-

same weaknesses of

and non-nurturing behav-

your outer parents might

have used. Your Inner Parent can be quick to judge and lecture your Inner Child.

It is

common for it to

warn, advise, or berate the feelings of the Inner Child.

Many times your Inner Parent will make a major life decision without even asking your Inner Child feels, just as

to you.

how

it

your outer parents did

mmmmimmimmmmmiimmmmmmmmmmm «*8ELF-PARENTIN0

While being rational strong

suit,

it

can also have some pretty serious program-

ming

flaws. In other

times

by tying

eous thinking. points.

It is

may be the Inner Parent's

itself It

words

it

can

aa very irrationally at

(and the Inner Child) up with erron-

can be petty and nit-pick unimportant

the "should" side of the Inner Conversation,

tending to be the voice that says "you should do

"you shouldn't do

and threatening exposed

that."

voice.

It

can also be an overly

Many

negative

traits

to while being parented are apt to

your Self-Parenting.

this"

and

critical

you were be part of

WHO

IS

YOUR INNER PARENT?

•

41

Your Inner Parent has a major position of influence over your Inner Child

and is

likely to

be the

voice that you hear the loudest and the longest in your Inner Conversations.

The an Inner

biggest test for the Inner Parent

Conflict,

when the

comes during

Inner Parent and Inner Child

have an extreme clash of needs. In these circumstances the negative Inner Parent

is

prone to overpower the Inner

Child by virtue of its position of power and authority.

However, when you, as the Inner Parent, win battles of Inner Conflict using

negative way,

it

will

be

at the

Child. If your Inner Parent

Child,

your natural power in a

expense of your Inner

does not nurture your Inner

your joy and enthusiasm

for life will

be missing.

This plays havoc with the ability of both Inner Selves to

be happy.

mmmmmmmmmmm 4I*8ELF-PARENTINQ

Have you ever heard new parents say that they have no intention of making the same mistakes with their children that their parents

made with them^

Later

they find themselves repeating verbatim the words and

own parents. You won't need your own children to discover that you do this when Self-Parenting as well. When you begin working with the Self-Parenting actions of their

Exercises

guided as

you if

yourself, all

will realize

by your

you are

parents.

still

being treated and

Only now you are doing

it

to

by yourself, within your Inner Conversations.

The negative Inner Parent often neglects, invalidates, misunderstands, or completely ignores the

needs and desires of the Inner Child.

It

can abuse

its

Inner

Child by being selfish and demanding, or by being too

much

of a perfectionist and putting undue pressure on the

Inner Child. If

your outer parents did a poor job of nurturing

and loving you during your childhood, you

will

tend

toward non-nourishing and negative Self-Parenting.

WHO

IS

YOUR INNER PARENT?

•

43

The Ideal Role of the Inner Parent The

ideal role of the Inner Parent

to love, support,

and nurture the

Inner Child.

able to accept,

teach,

while

It is

is

and motivate the Inner Child still

having a sense of the Inner

Child being a separate and distina Self.

The

feel that

ideal Inner Parent

it

does not

"owns" the Inner Child

any more than an outer parent should

feel that

he or she "owns" an

outer child.

The

ideal Inner Parent uses

all

the

positive skills of the generic parent/

child interaction with a natural ease

and knowledge based upon the accumulation of years of intimate, loving,

and nurturing

interaction.

«Me888888IMIMMMMIM

4«*8ELF-PARENTINQ

Another function of the ideal Inner Parent

is

to guide

and

encourage the Inner Child through the exploration of its interests talents. skills

and

As your Inner Parenting

improve you can help your

Inner Child discover and develop natural aptitudes

and

its

qualities as

well as teach your Inner Child about life.

By practicing

Exercises

you

will create

levels of caring

build

the Self-Parenting

deeper

and nurturing

and maintain higher

as

you

levels of

self-esteem.

.m.

The

.

i

,

t

ideal Inner

Parent supports the physical, emotional,

mental,

and

social

levels of the Inner

Child.

The

ideal Inner Parent pays attention to

and meets the physical needs and

desires of the Inner

Child by providing an environment of warmth, security,

and

safety.

It

takes care of

needs of the Inner Child. play through using

its

and watches out

It

for the health

encourages the Inner Child to

body and developing

its

senses.

WHO

IS

YOUR INNER PARENT?

•

46

The ideal Inner Parent Is sensitive to the emotional condition and state of the Inner Child.

It

demonstrates and shows understanding for the needs, wants, and desires of the Inner Child. nurturing a

It is

positive

and

when interacting with the Inner Child by being

good communicator. The

ideal Inner Parent supports

and guides the Inner Child to develop and

establish

own independent identity and personality.

It

becomes a

life-long

its

also

companion and mentor for the Inner

Child

On the mental level, the ideal Inner Parent teaches the Inner Child about explanations for

its

questions.

life It

and provides reasonable

encourages, guides, and

supports the Inner Child in the discovery of its interests

and talents.

It

willingly

and competently accepts the

role

and responsibilities of positively Self-Parenting the Inner Child Socially,

your ideal, natural, and free-

flowing Inner Parent can provide an atmosphere of

comfort for your Inner Child by reading practicing the Self-Parenting Exercises. start

As a

book and result

you

will

paying more attention to the needs, wants, and

desires of your Inner Child will also

and

this

become more

and begin

to

fulfill

You

sensitive to the emotional feelings

overall state of your Inner Child as well as

positive

them.

more

and nurturing during your Inner Conversations.

«*8ELFPARENTINQ

The is

ultimate role or ideal purpose of the Inner Parent

to

LEARN

HOW TO LOVE, SUPPORT,

andNURTLfRE the INNER CHILD. This the key to your personal happiness

and

improve your loving and nurturing

qualities as

fulfillment.

To

an Inner

Parent you need only adopt positive outer parenting into

is

skills

your Inner Conversations. Once your Inner Parent

makes

a

commitment

to this role

it

can be very effective in

Self-Parenting your Inner Child. Best of all, your Inner

Parent and Inner Child will love the

way you

feel!

WHO IS

YOUR

EVNER

CHILD?

60

•

SELF -PARENTING

Your Inner Child is

a completely

separate and distina Self

from your Inner

Parent.

your

It

represents

feelings,

emotions, and reactions to the world.

Your Inner Child is the bouncy,

bubbly, and happy side of you. This Inner Voice usually deals with needs or activities that

concern the here and now, especially

might make your Inner Child pleasured.

feel

if

they

more comfortable or

WHO

IS

YOUR INNER CHILD?

•

5\

Often your Inner Child cries out for the fulfillment

of a physical

need or

desire.

This voice can be quite insistent and loud.

hungry," "I'm beach,"

want.

." .

"I

tired," "I'm

don't

want

to

Demands such

bored,"

go

"I

want

to work."

"I

as,

to

"I'm

go

to the

don't feel well,"

can often be heard sounding off within you.

"I

SELF -PARENTING

62 •

Your Inner Child can be very determined and active when it wants something. This is your Inner Conversation's equivalent to the

non-stop begging of a child wanting a hug from

its

mother, or candy

at

the supermarket.

The characteristics you had as an outer child from

birth to

age seven are the same characteristics your

Inner Child has now.

The dreams you once had and the

adventures you've always desired are those of your Inner Child today.

Your chronological age you

still

right

now doesn't matter;

have a sweet, innocent, loving Inner Child within

you making a ruckus about something an

adult,

if

it

wants. Even as

nurtured properly, your Inner Child will enjoy

many of the

typical traits associated with a normal, well-

adjusted child.

WHO

IS

YOUR INNER CHILD?

•

63

Your Inner Child is a separate voice within your mind, just as your physical

body separates you

from your physical parents.

^^This distinction

is

very important to under-

stand when Self-Parenting. Due

to the subtle nature of

your Inner Conversations the Inner Parent often forgets that

Inner Child voice

its

real child

is

as separate

and

distinct as a

would be.

The half-hour Self-Parenting sessions will teach you Voices.

how to distinguish between the two Inner

As you begin

to

work more consciously with your

Inner Conversations you will recognize the autonomy of

your Inner Child.

It is

easy to forget

this

important faa in

the beginning, but your understanding will practice.

grow with

54 •

SELF -PARENTING

The Positive Inner Child One of the greatest strengths Inner Child

is

of the

ENTHUSIASM! Don't

you see every young

child

you know

running here and there, never stopping; climbing everything,

picking

up

anything,

and constantly

pushing buttons on phones, televisions,

and videos?

Children are curious and enthusiastic

about everything (except slowing

down) and

are constantly seeking to

discover and explore

new territories.

WHO

This this

trait is

IS

YOUR INNER CHILD?

•

56

VERY IMPORTANT because it is

enthusiasm, or excitement, which gives both Selves

and happiness

the energetic feelings of well-being are essential qualities of living

that

life.

The Inner Parent may be able to experience moderate levels of satisfaction

by itself, but the Inner Child

controls the true emotional energy of enthusiasm or bliss.

Many of you enjoyed these adults

feelings as children, but as

have learned to deny them

simply have forgotten

for practical reasons or

how to enjoy positive feelings

because of negative Self-Parenting.

Your Inner Child loves to have fun and in this way it desires

activities similar to

those of an outer child.

Your Inner Child will

find joy

simplest pleasures.

loves playing

It

and

fulfillment in the

games and

play-

acting.

Learning and practicing ing,

drawing, and painting are

enjoyed by your Inner Child.

new environments

new all

He

skills

such as color-

pleasurable activities or she loves to explore

such as the beauty and treasures found

in nature or the experience of traveling to foreign

countries.

The positive Inner Child is and only needs

to

anxious to learn

be taught and shown.

56 •

SELF -PARENTING

WHO

IS

YOUR INNER CHILD?

•

57

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LISTENING TO YOUR INNER CONVERSATIONS

•

How many thousands of Inner Conversations

have you had just

like

that one? Although

it

may not be of major

significance,

it is

a typical example

of many Inner Conversations you

might have during the day in just a

few seconds. As you become more involved in Self-Parenting you will

hear

much mundane talk. Other

Inner Conversations will have action

and

intensity,

more

such as the

following example.

he next Inner

Conversation illustrates the

fication of

rami-

an Inner

Conflia inside your mind. Until now,

most of the examples have been light

and

easy.

89

90 •

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91

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LISTENING TO YOUR INNER CONVERSATIONS

•

93

When first listening to your Inner Conversations,

accept

it is

very important for you to hear and

both sides of your Inner Conversations, even if

one Inner Voice

is

expressing a negative opinion or

weakness. If

you, as the Inner Parent, try to negate or ignore

the negative voice of your Inner Child, to successfully Self-Parent. listen to its

problems

Inner Child,

that

it

will

be unable

When an Inner Parent does

will

not

have the same types of

an outer parent has

to his or her child.

you

who doesn't truly listen

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•

SELF-PARENTING

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95

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SELF-PARCNTINO

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LISTENING TO YOUR INNER CONVERSATIONS

•

97

^^^^ he next Inner Conversation was submitted by a newspaper reporter working late to

meet a

deadline. His Inner Parent

needs the money the

same time

the job.

knows he

for survival, yet at

his Inner Child hates

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102 •

SELF-

PARENTING

When Self-Parenting in your Inner Conversations,

always remember

that the Inner Child

voice represents your feelings. If

you are

feeling emotionally sad,

hurt, angry, or upset,

Inner Child that If

is

it

is

really the

feeling this way.

you, as an Inner Parent, are not considerate of

the feelings of your Inner Child, after awhile your Inner

Child will

ask

become numb

its

feelings.

At

how it is feeling it may simply reply,

monotone. There that

to

it

feels safe in

will

this

point

be no other emotional response

making.

If this

you

"Fine," in a dull

problem becomes

chronic, negative Self-Parenting within your Inner

Conversations will create a depressed or suppressed personality.

if

LISTENING TO YOUR INNER CONVERSATIONS

•

103

Many times an Inner Parent has an "I-told-you-so" attitude about the feelings of

its

Inner Child.

ook

at

what

happens

in this

Inner Conversation of a seventeen-yearold student hoping a

new call:

love interest will

104 •

SELF-

PARENTING

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•

127

laB •

SELF-PARENTINO

Four potential solutions could be worked out from

this "real life" situation

possibilities of Inner

ence with similar

which would reflea the four

Conflia resolution. In your experi-

you have

situations

also resolved your

Inner Conflicts with one of the following solutions:

LOSE/LOSE

Unfortunately, Lose/Lose Self-Parent-

ing

is

the option that a lot of us use

unconsciously to resolve our Inner Conflicts. Lose/lose is

more

a proc-

ess of passively doing nothing until

pressures implode rather than an active process of conflia resolution.

In this solution neither the Inner Parent nor the Inner

Child have their needs met.

The Lose/Lose

situation usually involves sabotage

by one of the Inner Selves

that ruins

it

for both. In the

Inner Conflict above the following Self-Parenting could easily

have taken place:

RESOLVING INNER CONFLICTS

The

real estate saleman's Inner Parent

decides unilaterally that he

is

his

simply

feelings,

and needs of

The Inner Parent is determined to go, but

needs are being met

at the

Remember, however, the emotional energy levels

Wednesday night it starts in the

129

going to attend the seminar

and completely ignores the pleas, his Inner Child.

•

body with

expense of his Inner Child.

that the Inner Child controls

and bodily processes.

building

up

resistance

On

and

stress

the goal of not attending the seminar.

Friday evening the real estate agent

is

By

so congested and

weak from lack of energy that he is too sick

to attend the

seminar. As a result his Inner Parent reluctantly gives in

and cancels

his plans.

In this Self-Parenting resolution both parties lose.

The Inner Parent (as well

as the Inner Child) misses

out on an important seminar that

and the Inner Child get to

met.

go

is

crucial to his future,

(as well as the Inner Parent) doesn't

skiing. Neither Self has

any of its primary needs

— J

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IIIII

SELF -PARENTING

laO •

WIN/LOSE

Win/Lose Self-Parenting

is

a viaory

for the Inner Parent but a loss for the

needs of the Inner Child. In the

above

situation the agent's Inner

\^\ ^Oy^l'

Parent continues to intend signing

^^/J V

up

^

for the

seminar against the wishes

and needs of the Inner the Inner Child starts to manifest resistance

and

its

physical

Child.

When

symptoms of

rebellion the Inner Parent simply pushes

through those symptoms using

will

power and determina-

tion.

In order to

push through and "win" over

Child the Inner Parent might read a

his Inner

book on colds and

force-feed himself thousands of milligrams of Vitamin C.

He

could

initiate a

complete food

fast to

cleanse himself

of the toxins created by his Inner Child. If

up

he was a strong Inner Parent he might even wind

forcing both Selves to attend the seminar even though

sick.

will

Somehow, someway, power

to

the Inner Parent

would use

dominate the situation and make sure he

attended the seminar, dragging his Inner Child along for the ride.

RESOLVING INNER CONFLICTS

LOSE/WIN

Lose/Win Self-Parenting

is

•

131

a loss for

the needs of the person's Inner

Parent but a victory for the needs of his Inner Child.

In this situation the Inner Child has

many ways

of getting his needs met.

He might hold up his end of the Inner Conflict too well. After the unilateral Self-Parenting decision

by the Inner Parent to attend the seminar, the

Inner Child could

start

nagging with an undercurrent of

whining that would soon become a loud

roar.

By

Wednesday the Inner Child could create so many physical symptoms and problems, a weak Inner Parent would cancel the seminar.

On Friday after a missed deadline, an extraordinary and miraculous recovery would occur just in time

on the slopes

early Saturday morning.

Even

if

to

be

the Inner

Child couldn't ultimately go skiing he might at least have

time for

some fun

or social needs to be met.

He could go

out on a date or see a movie he wouldn't have had time for otherwise.

Thus the person's Inner Child

is

happy because

needs are met, but the needs of his Inner Parent go unfulfilled.

his

IS

•

•ELF-PARiNTINO

WIN/WIN

The ideal the

Self-Parenting resolution

Win/Win option

in

is

which the

needs of both the Inner Parent and the Inner Child are met. This occurs

when each

Inner Voice of the Inner

Conversation gets exactly what

it

needs and wants. Win/Win could also occur as the result of a

compromise through which

both Inner Voices accept an alternate solution.

Although option four it

takes a skilled

The two other,

the most satisfying choice,

and committed Inner Parent

to pull

it

off.

Selves must communicate their needs to each

and agree

fulfilled.

is

that

each

set of

needs has the

right to

be

RESOLVING INNER CONFLICTS

•

133

How This Inner Conflict Was Resolved In tills case the Self-Parenting student recognized that he was suffering from an Inner Conflict.

As the Inner Parent he had decided unilaterally to go

to

the seminar. As his Inner Child began to manifest symp-

toms of resistance by getting sick he noticed the two Selves arguing back

and forth

inside his

mind and realized

something was wrong.

He took the time to write "Inner Conversation Dialogue Sheet" on the top of a piece of paper and

Started

writing out his Inner

Conversation. Since he had also been doing his thirty-minute sessions of private Self-Parenting each to the

day and was acutely

sensitive

needs and desires of his Inner Child, he recognized

the characteristic rebellion and resistance that he

be

typical of his Inner Child.

knew to

134 •

tELF-PARENTING

Feeling and reading the signals his Inner Child

sending through the

down on the

was

way his body felt, he wrote them

Inner Conversation Dialogue Sheet. Thus, he

became aware of his Inner Conflia

as well as the needs of

both his Inner Parent and Inner Child. As a result of writing out his Inner Conversation the following facts

became obvious: One: His Inner Parent work,

it

just didn't

Two:

to miss the seminar.

His Inner Child

the seminar but

and not having skiing

want

it

didn't

didn't care about missing

was happy enough

want

to

spend

all its

fun. Plus, the Inner Child's

was too powerful

to

go

to

time working

need

to

go

to ignore.

Three: The Inner Selves agreed

that

it

was some-

how possible for both of them to have their needs met. The

Self-Parenting student then guided his

two Inner Selves through a problem-solving session making sure needs.

that

each Self was getting

full

expression of

Once awareness had surfaced through

the Inner

Conversation Dialogue Sheet, the following Self-Parenting solution took form.

RESOLVING INNER CONFLICTS

Final Result of the

•

136

Win/Win Solution

The real estate agent decided to take two days off work and go skiing on Thursday and Friday. Both Selves then agreed to happily attend the seminar

on

Saturday and Sunday.

In this situation each Inner Self was happy,

maybe even

ecstatic.

The Inner Parent was able

the seminar which he

be missed. He went also quite

knew was

skiing,

happy not

to

to attend

important and shouldn't

took two days

off,

and was

be working twelve days

in a row.

MWOO lOWHWOflflOflOnOOOJl I

136 •

SELF-PARENTING

His Inner Child on the other hand not only went skiing, but

snow, with much

less

left

two days

earlier to ski in fresher

crowded weekday conditions.

You won't see this Inner Child getting sick on Wednesday. No way! With this Win/Win solution both Selves win, neither side loses,

and the needs of both

Selves are fully met. Positive Self-Parenting resolving this Inner Conflia.

was

the key to

RESOLVING INNER CONFLICTS

Although

•

137

this solution

may now seem simple or obvious,

worth-

it is

while to note that this

if

was your own Inner Conflia

with your unique circumstances

would not be so easy to

Win/Win solution.

it

sort out a

Part of the prob-

lem with an Inner Conflia seems be

that the

most blind

person having to

it is

working out a

to

the

solution.

Many beginning and intermediate Self-Parenting students

an Inner

fiilly

Conflict,

understand the

intellectual

dynamics of

and yet when they are having one, they

are too preoccupied

by it to recognize the symptoms. The

above resolution demonstrates very sophisticated awareness, understanding,

and

which you can acquire

skill in

as well.

resolving Inner Conflicts

IWWWWiWWIi^^

EIGHT STEPS

OFE4NER

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM 140

•

SELF -PARENTING

The key to

resolving

Inner Conflicts

is

positive Self-Parenting for the

needs of both

Inner Selves. Your Inner Parent must take responsibility for solving Inner Conflicts that arise. can't

do it because

how. People can't

do

it

Your Inner Child it

doesn't

in the outside

know

world

because they can't hear

the Inner Conversations inside your

mind. Besides, they don't as well as

know you

you know yourself.

Your own Inner Parent has the strongest motivation to:

One: Recognize an Inner Conflict

Two: Use Win/Win Self-Parenting meth-

ods to resolve the conflia successfully.

INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION

However,

•

141

in the typical Inner

Conflia the unaware or untrained Inner Parent unknowingly uses the

Win/Lose method to resolve conflicts.

This

may temporarily satisfy

the short-term needs of the Inner Parent, but of course, for the long-term

it is

unhealthy

needs of the Inner

Child.

Occasionally a rebellious or strong-willed Inner Child will create a Lose/Lose or Lose/Win situation to salvage

its

self-respect.

But these three Self-Parenting

options are unsatisfactory for the

optimum

functioning of

both Selves. Within your Inner Conversations, either Self

making a failure.

conflict resolution decision

on

its

own invites

142 •

SELF -PARENTINe

u The TInner -n Parent has «-rt

Its

4.

role

is

to

decisions,

the major responsibility

choose

and evaiu-

options,

imponam

ate the

for Self-Parenting in

make

aspects of your

Inner Conflicts.

life.

For best results however,

must do

it

this

with the cooperative input and energies of the Inner Child. If your Inner Parent tries to Self-Parent without the

positive cooperation of your Inner Child,

it

will

fail.

You, as the Inner Parent, must assume the role of loving, supporting,

and nurturing your Inner

By doing so you can make your life the

first

full

and

Child.

satisfying for

time since you were a child and keep

for the rest of your

it

that

way

life.

Any time you have a severe Inner Conflict you

will

need

to take the following Self-Parenting steps, in

sequence, to establish and

fulfill

the needs of both your

Inner Parent and your Inner Child. Similar problemsolving methods have long been established by psychologists

and negotiators

in outer relationships.

for

use in resolving the conflicts

These methods are adapted here

for resolving Inner Conflicts in

your Inner Conversations

through positive Self-Parenting.

INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION

•

143

Step One: Recognition by your Inner Parent that you

have an Inner Your Inner Parent realizes you Inner Conflict

when your body,

are immobilized

by inactivity,

Conflict.

are trapped in an

emotions, and thoughts

indecision, or a constant,

heated Inner Conversation that remains unresolved.

Your mind may be involved for hours, days, or

weeks. But

consciously recognizes it,

until

this fact

in

your Inner Parent

and takes steps

your Inner Parent and Inner Child

battle mentally.

an Inner Conflict

will

to correct

continue to

WMIIW^^

flOWJWWOOItWWWII

144 •

SELF -PARENTING

Step Two:

Your Inner Parent

makes

the decision to

positively Self-Parent

your Inner Conflict by writing out your Inner

Conversation. Your Inner Conflict involves a conflia of needs between your two

Selves, but

sometimes

it is

difficult to

determine what those needs are unless the Inner Conversation

is

written out in an objective manner.

why the Inner Conversation Dialogue Sheet was created. Writing down the Inner Conflia on paper ^in your own handwriting ^separates and clarifies the demands of both Selves. Step Two makes it easier for This

is

—

—

you

to objectively determine

what needs underlie the

arguments of the two Selves and

how you

will

help you determine

are blocking your creativity or productivity.

Take enough time during Step

Two to write down your

entire Inner Conversation carefully

and completely.

INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION

•

145

Step Three: List

the specific needs of

each Inner

Self.

Once the comments (and complaints!) of each are written

down, you can determine what the

Self

specific

needs of each Self are on the back of your Inner Conversation Dialogue Sheet.

Both sides must have

their

needs met. This

your Inner Con-

Parenting step

is

versation to

normal, happy, and productive

its

crucial for returning

Self-

state.

Many

times your Inner Parent will be unwilling to give in to the

demands of the Inner Child because they seem so geous. But underlying these

and once you discover the you

will naturally

want

to

demands

outra-

are genuine needs,

true needs of your Inner Child

fulfill

them.

The primary needs of your Inner Child

are for

physical or emotional comfort, security, stimulation, physical contact, love, attention, approval, or acceptance.

One or more of these basic needs will

always underlie

even the most outrageous demands or wants of your Inner Child.

M6

•

SELF-PARENTINQ

Step Four:

Your Inner Parent and Inner Child mutually

decide and agree that the solution for this In-

ner Conflict must be acceptable to both Selves. Once

the needs are clear, the

two Selves must

agree to help and support each other to satisfy those needs. Sometimes this

is

the hardest step

when it could be

the easiest, because the Inner Parent or Inner Child will

not give

up

its

desire to

win

at

Special care, practice,

taken to establish

this

Selves before going

any cost.

and consideration must be

cooperation between the two

on

to Step Five.

INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION

•

147

Step Five:

The Inner

Selves search

together for solutions to the Inner Conflict. Positive Self-Parenting will focus

on ways of meet-

ing the needs of both Selves. Generate as possible to accomplish

each Self during

many ideas

as

and accommodate the needs of

this step.

The key to Step

Five

is

to

be

creative. List in

two

columns as many solutions as possible which meet the needs of your Inner Parent and your Inner Child. During this step list

any solutions

even

Self.

Generating as

they

meet the needs of either

seem impractical or don't help

Self,

if

that

many solutions

as possible

the other

stirs

the

creative juices of both Selves to solve their mutual

problems.

Sometimes you may simply need more information to solve

your Inner

Conflict.

Talk to friends, ask advice

from experts, read books, do research, or make phone calls.

and

Be willing

to

do whatever

it

takes to find answers

potential solutions for the needs of both Selves.

148 •

SELF -PARENTING

Step Six:

Your Inner Selves choose a mutually acceptable solution that

meets both

their needs.

Through the idea generation process

some

in Step Five,

solution or combination of ideas will evolve that

both your Inner Parent and Inner Child can get excited about. This

may be

a best-of-both-worlds solution, as in

the seminar vs. skiing example.

which

Or it may be

a situation

boils

down to a choice between the lesser of two

If all

angles and creative ideas have been mutually

evils.

explored, the solution or compromise will be agreeable to

both Inner Selves as the best solution possible time, for that situation.

at that

INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION

•

149

Step Seven:

Your Inner Parent and Inner Child put the solution in motion.

This will be the easy part since both Selves had a

hand

in evolving the solution

outcome.

and are

optimistic about the

iWIWIIIIWIIIIMIIIIllllWWIIIIIIWIWll^^

laO •

SELF-PARENTINO

Step Eight: Both Selves evaluate the solution for workability

and

satisfaction. Evaluate the success of your mutual endeavor.

Was

the Self-Parenting solution to this Inner Conflict a

successful one?

compromise changed

Was your Inner Child happy? Did the

satisfy

your Inner Parent? Could anything be

for the better next time? If the

same problem

came up tomorrow, would you do anything Use each experience of solving Inner

smooth out and pave the way

differently?

Conflicts to

for future problem-solving.

INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION

•

151

The best method for heading off Inner Conflicts before they arise

is

to learn about

more familiar with each Inner Self and its

and become

personality-

beforehand. Each Self is unique, with special needs and circumstances. As

more and more conscious experience

and interaction accumulates through

practice of the Self-

Parenting Exercises, your Inner Parent and Inner Child will get to

know one another much more intimately.

As you, the Inner Parent, cooperate with the Inner Child, to resolve Inner Conflicts, a

dence and Both

trust will

will learn to

you,

new confi-

develop between your two Selves.

be more open and aware of each

other's

needs. As in every successful relationship the two Inner Selves will

grow

both learn to

in understanding

trust

and commitment

and depend on each

as

other.

This self-confidence and self-mastery for finding

Win/Win

solutions acceptable to both Inner Selves will

make each easier.

resolution of Inner Conflict progressively

182 •

SELF -PARENTING

Through commitment and practice Win/Win solutions for your Inner Conflicts will

become

the norm.

INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION

•

153

When you, as an Inner Parent, consciously and

actively

work towards a Win/Win

Inner Child, you will create a whole

solution with your

new perspective on

life.

You will develop successful skills for living that will benefit

to start love,

you

for the rest of your

making room

and joy

right

now for all

that you've always

available to you.

life.

I

advise you

the happiness,

wanted and

is

now

mi/.

SELF-

PARENTING YOUR INNER CONFUCTS: YOUR FUTURE

166 •

tSLF-PARENTINO

The key to positive Self-Parenting is to any Inner Conflicts you have by practicing and

resolve

listening to

yourlnnQT Conversations.

Do you have a weight problem? Are you unhappy or lonely?

Do you have job-related stress? Are you having trouble deciding where to go to school or what to study?

Are you getting a divorce or making decisions as to

where

These are serious to

whom?

to live or with

situations or dilemmas. Listening

your Inner Conversations and practicing the

Parenting Exercises

the ideal

is

Alttiougli this

Self-

way to work them out.

book is written in a light and

easy-to-read style, the principles underlying Self-Parenting in

your Inner Conversations

understanding of the

result

human

from a sophisticated

mind.

Once you understand

how your Inner Conversations influence your behavior, there are

many applications

for Self-Parenting

which have

long-term beneficial effects that can truly transform your Ufe.

WXvX

YOUR FUTURE

•

157

There are three levels or degrees of understanding the

tme value of Self-Parenting in your Inner

Conversations. These levels also represent the steps

you

must take to unlock the treasures inside your mind as well as conquer past, present,

and future

challenges.

^

^^

Level One Self-Parenting:

Learning to recognize the voices of your

Inner Conversations so you can separate the Inner Parent from the Inner Child.

1M

•

tELP-PARENTINO

Your thoughts, judgments,

and analyses represent your Inner Parent.

Your

feelings, emotions,

and responses

are your

Inner Child. These concepts are easy to understand tually but are so

much

intellec-

harder to realize within your

own

mind. The leap from intellectual realization to emotional understanding and

finally to practical application takes

time and discipline. course,

by reading

You have taken the first step,

this

book, and

if

of

practical, attending a

Self-Parenting workshop.

For

many people the idea of having Inner

Conversations

heard

is

a

new one.

Others

may have

intuitively

their Inner Conversations during the day.

they did not

know who the

really "listened" to

But since

participants were, they never

what was

actually being said. Their

Inner Parent unconcsciously Self-Parented their Inner Child in the

same manner in which they were

raised.

YOUR FUTURE

Conversations

about a

is

similar to reading

new program of physical

exercises. Discovering a better

and

way to exercise can inspire

easier

to think about exercising. Yet,

even

if

you

like

and understand the

reasoning behind the

why"

to exercise,

if

you won't get the

same principle,

"how and

you don't

actually practice the

new exercises

benefits.

until

you

By the

practice the

Self-Parenting Exercises in Part

you

1S9

One Self-Parenting of Inner

Level

you

•

will

remain

at Level

III

One

understanding.

Others this,

I

studied

may have the attitude, it

ing intellectual realization (Level

possible.

Level

first

know all about

years ago in a psychology class," or

read a book about something like

only the

"I

that."

However,

"I

attain-

One understanding)

is

step to achieving the self-actualization that

You

will discover

going beyond Level

One

Two to be much more emotionally satisfying.

is

into

1«0 •

SELF -PARENTING

Level

Two Self-Parenting: Getting to know your Inner Child

YOUR FUTURE

You

get to

•

161

know your

Inner Child by practicing the Self-

Parenting Exercises. Starting with the

first

session

you

will

begin to separate the two voices inside your clearly.

mind so that each

You will

side can

be heard more

also start to establish your

creative Self-Parenting dialogue.

own style of

iOOOOeoOflOOOMflHH i oo

162 •

iMmMiiiMiimwwi

SELF -PARENTING

By practicing just thirty

There

minutes a day you

Inner Child voice

will

with

quickly discover some-

truly is

its

an

own per-

spective

and view-

points. This voice

thing really unique.

is

above and beyond

what you most

assumed while reading

this

book.

likely

Two to four weeks of

half-hour sessions are usually necessary to begin realizing

exceptional progress.

As you accumulate half-hour sessions a deeper and more magical awareness of your Inner Conversations takes place.

Soon you

will tap into the

power

and beauty inherent within these concepts, and Level Three understanding sion of getting to

will

come about as

know your Inner Child.

a natural exten-

YOUR FUTURE

•

Level Three Self-Parenting:

Changing any patterns of negative

Self- Par-

enting to positive patterns of loving, supporting,

and nurturing yourself.

163

— 164 •

oowwflfloroiiwoiio^

SELF -PARENTING

Level Three Self-

Parenting

is

under-

standing your Inner

Conversations well

enough

to use

them on

an ongoing, daily basis, to love, support,

and

nurture yourself. At Level Three you will discover that

you don't

really

have

many outer problems

at

all.

You

mostly have Inner Conflicts that

remain

unresolved simply

because you haven't addressed the issues at their

source

inside your mind.

YOUR FUTURE

•

166

The entrenchment of longstanding negative parental programming

be too

solid to excavate

may

on your

own. The psychological patterns

which develop from unusually harsh parenting (such as

by parents who were dysfunctional or chronically depressed) can be too subtle or deep to see from Level

One or even Level Two awareness. Your early childhood experiences (and thus the voice of your Inner Child) may be too painful to uncover and can be

literally

from your awareness. In these circumstances trained professional (see Part clarify

III,

blocked it

takes a

Chapter 12) to gently

your Inner Conversations and lead you to more

positive Self-Parenting. unfulfilled or

the time

Most of us, however, are

unhappy because we simply are not

needed to

the most aware

love, support,

taking

and nurture ourselves

and knowledgeable manner

possible.

in

l

166 •

OOiODaOiflOBMOOO i llOflll l iiOiOlOOiOni l iBOO i

SELF -PARENTING

H ilWWMIWWIIWWW^^

CONCLUSION Don't be content with Level

One

awareness of your Inner Conversations. Practice the Self-Parenting

Exercises in Part

III.

Seek the deeper

awareness of how your mind works.

Once you achieve

Level Three

awareness, use your half-hour Parenting sessions to crack

Self-

open the

psychic barriers between you and the powers of your mind. potential as a

Your

human being is awe

inspiring. Start living

up

to

it!

Happiness, fulfillment, and meaning in

your

life

are the natural consequences

of positive, loving, and nurturing Parenting.

Self-

YOUR FUTURE

It is

•

167

a very widespread syndrome to look

for a Self-Parenting substitute outside of our Inner

Conversations, something or

someone

else to care for

and

understand our needs and to take responsibility for our lives.

Unfortunately,

if

your physical, emotional, mental,

and social needs are not met from within your own Inner Conversations and family support system, they will never truly

be met from a more

distant source

such as a job,

possessions, or society.

The best source of loving, supporting, and nurturing

is

within your

the

one you

own

control, positive Self-Parenting

Inner Conversations.

166 •

SELF -PARENTING

The most important aspect of your Inner Conversations

is

that

you tmly are

Self-Parenting your

Inner Child. Don't just learn or read about

it;

genuinely build your self-esteem when you

practice to

feel

emotionally depressed, afraid, bored, or angry.

Use Self-Parenting as a Conflicts

when you

are really

tool to problem-solve Inner

down.

Use your Inner Conversations

and meeting your own needs

for self-nurturing

rather than

hoping

for

possessions or other people from "out there" to provide

them.

When parents properly nurture an outer child

it

grows up with a powerful sense of self-esteem,

self-respea,

and an

intuitive

experience of its

own con-

A completely nurtured child is capable of everything and anything. When this child becomes an nection to others.

adult,

he or she can achieve whatever

is

wanted

in

life.

YOUR FUTURE

•

169

By reestablishing this same foundation through positive Self-Parenting within your Inner Conversations,

you

same, positive

will achieve the

will gradually

will find

sufficient,

positive.

your Inner Child becoming more

Soon

self-

more dependable, more reliable, and more

responsible.

The energy your Inner Selves wasted fighting

each other can attain

You

uncover and eliminate negative aspects of

your Inner Child and change them to the

you

results.

now be released with double the power to

your mutual goals. Self-Parenting is

an intensive method for

achieving self-actualization. sessions properly

By doing your thirty-minute

and staying with them you can achieve

almost anything. After several months of Level Three Parenting, your Inner Parent truly cooperative

and Inner Child will become

and completely nurtured. You

become

a very powerful person able to

happen

in

It's

your

Self-

make

will

miracles

life.

never too

way you've always

late to

desired.

make your life work

just the

110 •

SEIF-PARENTINO

*^

YOUR FUTURE

You can

also use Self-

It's

•

a wonderful

understanding to

Parenting as a coun-

share with your

seling tool with others.

friends.

and their Inner Parent

and Inner Child

Compare

contrast

what

are saying. Notice

where they have become stuck by repeating nonnurturing behavior learned from their parents.

experience and knowledge can supporting, Selves.

assist

them

Your

in loving,

and nurturing the needs of both

their Inner

171

jH w

mwo

172 •

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i

iii i i iii i iii

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SELF -PARENTING

Your relationship with your Inner Child is

the ow/y relationship

will

be

you can be absolutely

in for the rest of your

life.

certain

you

You and your Inner

Child will be having Inner Conversations for as long as

you

live. If

ing,

you

start Self-Parenting

and support, your

more

now with

future can only

love, nurtur-

be brighter and

fulfilling.

I

wish you the

greatest success in learning,

understanding, and working with your Inner Conver-

know you have gotten to know your Inner Child more and hope you will continue to study how to love, sations.

I

I

support, and nurture

him or

her.

YOUR FUTURE

I

173

•

would be most pleased to hear about your

personal experiences listening to your Inner Conversations

and with

like to share

Self-Parenting. Write to

me if you would

an intense Inner Conversation you have

resolved or to

tell

benefited your

me how positive Self-Parenting has

life.

[Publisher's note: If a personal reply

is

requested, please include a self-addressed, stamped

envelope.]

Your response (and that of your Inner Child)

may become a part of my next book, The Seff-Parenting Program: More About Your Inner Conversations.

Good luck! John Pollard c/o Generic P.O.

Human Studies

Box 6466-A

Malibu,

CA 90265

Publishing

jOMOOiiOQioaiOfl

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iW

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PART III SELF-PARENTING EXERCISES

MMMNNMMMNMMNMMMNMMMMMMMN

OPENEVGUPTHE DIALOGUE BETWEEN YOUR BNNER PARENT AND YOUR INNER CHILD

178 •

SELF-PARENTING

INTRODUCTION You

are

now

familiar with the

two voices

inside your mind:

your Inner Parent and your Inner Child. You also Self-Parent

when you encounter

know how to

Inner Conflicts. The next step become more aware of your

of positive Self-Parenting

is

Inner Conversations.

tuning into them to discover which

voice

which.

is

Start

to

YOUR INNER CONVERSATIONS ARE GOING

ON ALL THE TIMEl To

gain the positive benefits of Self-Parenting your Inner

Parent has the primary responsibility for studying and developing your Inner Conversations. Part

The

III

will outline the steps to

two chapters will teach you the format of the Self-Parenting sessions and how to recognize the voice of your Inner Child. Chapter 11 will give you ideas on assist

you

in this process.

first

how to use your Self-Parenting sessions to conditions in your

life.

ences to develop Level

Chapter 12 III,

improve the

will give

you

practical

further refer-

Self-Parenting in the "real world."

You, as the Inner Parent, must practice

if

you want

to Self-

Parent your Inner Child in a nurturing and supportive way. This

process

is

their outer child. Let's

are experiencing a lack is

same way outer parents might correct suppose that two parents of communication with their son and he

initiated in the

problems with

turning into a difficult disciplinary problem.

One day effective

book or attend a lecture on parenting techniques and are exposed to new ideas or the parents read a

methods they never knew existed. As a result the parents realize the problems with their child are actually the result of poor parenting skills rather than any fault of the child's. Until now the

OPENING UP THE DIALOGUE

•

179

parents have unknowingly been using non-nurturing parenting techniques. So, they decide to cliange methods at once.

Changing

normal parenting

their

style

immediately will

now the parents have a brand new problem. Having just learned the new parenting techniques, they will have to practice these new methods a while prove

however, because

difficult

before gaining proficiency. Also, since their child

new

posed

to a radical

more

rebellious. All

parenting style he

he knows

being ex-

may become even

he hasn't liked the style of now, so why should a new

is

parenting he has received until

approach be any

is

different^

new parenting style with consisnew skills and confidence. As the child

Yet, through practicing the tency, the parents gain

begins to experience the benefits of better parenting, he re-

sponds with a different attitude. As a result of the initial study and changes made by the parents and the changing response of the child, the relationship between them will gradually and permanently improve. In the

same way, you

(the Inner Parent) are responsible for

As your Self-Parenting properly, the response from

correcting your half of the Inner Conversations

Inner Parent starts

your Inner Child

You

fulfill

will naturally

be

first.

positive.

your Self-Parenting duties by learning the generic

and dynamics of your Inner Conversations as well as by developing ways to personalize and implement these new concepts into your daily life. You must unlearn the bad habits perpetuated from your parents as well as develop new methods and techniques for positive Self-Parenting during your Inner

principles

Conversations.

The

initial

energy for change, provided by your Inner Par-

ent, will carry this

benefits of

far enough for both of you to ENTHUSIASM! Once the positive

plan of action

get a taste of the Inner Child's

working with your Inner Conversations are gained,

mmmmmmmmM)mmmA\vmwm}mjwmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmim 180 •

the

SELF-PARENTING

two Selves will continue to motivate each

other.

As the Inner

Parent and Inner Child improve their relationship through daily thirty-minute sessions, the

momentum and

excitement for posi-

tive Self-Parenting builds rapidly.

The

Self-Parenting Exercises provide the next step for the

gaining of these benefits.

To begin

this

process your Inner Par-

ent starts by paying conscious attention to the voice of your

Inner Child. These thirty-minute sessions

become

a com-

mitment by your Inner Parent to provide you and your Inner Child undisturbed access to each other so you can get to

each other

know

better.

During the

first

week

the goal of the Self-Parenting sessions

and getting to know more clearly the voice of your Inner Child. As you become more conscious of what your Inner Child wants and needs you can start using positive Self-Parenting techniques and methods to build a more mutually nurturing relationship. If you begin the advanced exercises of Chapter 11 before estabis

for you, the Inner Parent, to simply start listening for

lishing a relationship of trust with

your Inner Child, the Inner

Child will not feel safe enough to participate and your sessions together will be ineffective.

To

explore deeper levels of your Inner Conversations

ommend the following procedure. This the Self-Parenting teachers and

it

is

the

I

rec-

method taught by

has proven very successful for

students practicing these daily sessions.

OPENING UP THE DIALOGUE

•

181

STEP1 ESTABLISHING THE SEHING The for

first

step

is

to establish a quiet

and comfortable

setting

your daily Self-Parenting sessions. As the Inner Parent, you

do not want distractions such as television, radio, work, or phone calls to pull your attention away from your Inner Child

One in a

caution, however, this

darkened room." The

is

not meditation with "dosed eyes

ideal situation

is

a quiet environment

You should be sitting up and alert, not Both Selves need conscious concentration to

with moderate lighting. tired or fatigued.

participate in this process.

Make every effort to have your sessions at the same time and place each day. Your Inner Child loves consistency and will

look forward to spending special time alone with you, the Inner Parent, each day. For the

overwhelming majority of Self-Parentfor sessions has been just after

ing students, the

optimum time

waking up

morning. There are several reasons for

in the

One major

benefit

is

starting the

this.

day with the positive en-

ergy of conscious communication between the two selves. Stu-

dent

after student

has said that beginning the day with a session

has

made a complete difference in the way the day went Even

you

and dull at the beginning of your be rewarded by the results of your day.

will

are sleepy

One student, who said she reason, described

two hours

how

could never get

after starting sessions,

up

she

if

session,

you

early for

any

now

gets

up

than she ever had before. day has begun there are too many opportunities for distractions and "emergencies" to provide an excuse for your earlier

After your

Inner Parent to skip the session.

If

you

try for

a few stolen

182 •

SELF-PARENTING

moments just

in the

afternoon as a homemaker, for example, that's

when the kids will come home, the doorbell

repairman If

will ring,

or the

will arrive.

you work a night shift, the ideal time is still after waking before you start your day. This way you will have the

up and

positive energy of your Inner Child to use for your night job.

Some

Self-Parenting students

who

tried

doing

their sessions at

them less effective because of their a long day and the waste of the session's momen-

night before retiring found fatigue after

tum by going to sleep. If, due to privacy or other considerations, it is impossible to do your sessions first thing, try alternate times such as a break between classes or perhaps at lunch in your car. But definitely hold your sessions at a consistent time and try for the first half of the day. The Inner Child wants to know that it is loved and that you, as the Inner Parent, truly care. The major proof of this in the beginning

is

the consistency of your half-hour sessions.

Begin each half-hour session with the standard introduaion. This gives a clear indication to your Inner Child that you are starting the session

and

tells

it

what you want

to do.

The

daily

introduaion also allows the Inner Child psychological time to prepare for the session.

When you

are comfortable

not being disturbed, duction.

Read

it

start

and have prepared yourself

your session with the following

out loud to your Inner Child just as

talking to another person in the room.

if

for

intro-

you were

OPENING UP THE DIALOGUE

•

183

Dear Inner Child,

Good morning

(or afternoon) to you.

I,

as

your

Inner Parent, want to spend the next thirty minutes or so with you in order to get to know you better.

Knowing you and learning more about you is very important to me. I would like you, the Inner Child, and me, the Inner Parent, to understand and enjoy each other more completely. If you and I can learn to communicate more openly and understand each other better, then we will both be happier. I

am going to ask you questions about things you

know and

experience so that I can learn more about your personality, feelings, and opinions. Please feel free to answer these questions as simply or as completely as you like. My goal during the next thirty minutes is to listen to you as best I can without judging or criticizing what you tell

me.

I

really

do want

to get to

know you and your

viewpoints better. I

also

will

would like you to know that even thoi^ I

be trying

my best to listen without judging or

probably make some mistakes. Since I know this, I apologize right now in advance. As soon as I become aware that I am not listening to you objectively I will apologize again and go back to listening to your answers as best I criticizing, I will

can.

Thank you for your cooperation.

The one who wants

Your Inner Parent

to

know you best.

mmmmmimimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmimmmmmmmmmtmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i

184

SELF-PARENTING

•

STEP 2

ASKING QUESTIONS The next

step of positive Self-Parenting

Inner Parent to

start

asking the Inner Child

is

simply for the

some "door-opener*

type questions. Ask these questions using this format: ?"

**Inner Child,

Speak these questions firmly and out loud, as if you were As you speak out

talking to another person inside yourself.

on the left-hand side of go of your Inner Parent mind and listen in a

loud, write the question simultaneously

the paper. Then, quiet

way

let

for the

answers from your Inner Child. You

will

hear

your questions being answered inside your mind as thoughts or mental impressions. This is tbe voice

of your Inner Child

responding to your questions!

A key you

principle of the Self-Parenting sessions

is

that

when

you are using the voice of your Inner Parent. During the silence after the questions, your thoughts and are speaking aloud

By artificially two Inner Selves in this way, you will learn to differentiate the two voices more easily. For many of you this process will be very easy. The questions you ask will elicit strong responses and your Inner Child will start giving you answers straight away. Sometimes the answers may be short or slow in coming, especially if you have suppressed your Inner Child for many years. Don't worry if you don't hear anything immediately. Sometimes it takes a while for feelings represent the voice of your Inner Child.

separating the

OPENING UP THE DIALOGUE

•

186

your Inner Child to catch on and trust what you are doing. The Inner Parent can also be confused about the technique. Either

way, practice makes perfect. As an Inner Parent you might read over the questions and think to yourself, "Boy, this is stupid. I know all the answers to these questions already." This attitude

is

one of the main prob-

lems with the Inner Parent. It thinks it knows all the answers. The Self-Parenting sessions work best when you ask these questions of the Inner Child with a fresh attitude, as

if

to a complete

stranger.

At other times the Inner Child's response

may be

surpris-

ingly intense and emotional. DONT WORRY IF THE ANSWERS FROM YOUR INNER CHILD ARE STRONGLY IN-

TENSE OR DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU (the Inner Parent) AflGHT HAVE THOUGHT THEM TO BE. Your Inner ChUd is a different personality than

your Inner Parent.

from what you might have expected

Inner Child

is

actually talking to you.

is

A different answer

a sure sign

that

your

itmmmmmmmmmmjmmmmmmmmmMMmmmwm}mMPtimitMMMtMammmitimimiMmiiiiiuim 186 • $ELF-PARENT(N6

STEP 3

WRITING DOWN THE INNER CHILD'S RESPONSE you have asked your Inner Child a question, write down the thoughts that come into your mind on the right hand After

side of the paper.

You

will write

down

the responses of your

Inner Child as part of your Self-Parenting session for two reasons.

One

is

to have a

permanent record of your Inner Child's

answers to your questions. Another reason the responses of the Inner Child

is

is

that writing

down

a crucial aspect of the posi-

tive Self-Parenting process.

For example, suppose you ask your Inner Child out loud the following question:

**Inner Child,

In your

how are you dohig today?"

mind you

will

hear thoughts or feel mental impres-

sions such as:

"I

am

doing

"My head

fine."

hurts."

"I'm tired." "I'm excited to

be doing

this."

"I'm uncomfortable sitting in this chair." "I'm not sure

what you want me

to say."

"I'm nervous."

tbe voice of your Inner Child responding to your question.

This

is

OPENING UP THE DIALOGUE

—

Whatever your Inner Child says

WRITE

DOWN

them. Writing

it is

•

187

important for you to

the responses exactly as the Inner Child says

down

the responses of your Inner Child serves

the very important function of separating the thoughts of your

Inner Parent from the feelings of your Inner Child.

During the

first

week's sessions you must establish a strong

separation between the verbal questions of your Inner Parent

and the silent responses of your Inner Child. As you hear or feel the responses of your Inner Child inside your mind, write down what you hear being said, using the same words that it uses:

am doing fine."

"I

"My head

hurts."

"I'm tired." "I'm excited to

be doing this."

"I'm uncomfortable sitting in this chair." "I'm not sure

what you want me

to say."

"I'm nervous."

Your Inner Child may talk briefly and have nothing more to it may go on and on. In the beginning it may be shy or confused. Your Inner Child may try to give you a response it thinks you want to hear, rather than telling you how he or she say or

feels.

During these beginning sessions evaluate the response time of your Inner Child as

you

feel the

mation. long.

if

you were

in a conversation

Don't leave a question too soon

friend.

Inner Child

may want

to

if,

with a

as the Inner Parent,

communicate more

infor-

On the other hand, don't let mental silence drag out too

Your

initial

Self-Parenting sessions

may

require

some tim-

ing adjustments for both Inner Selves.

A frequent problem during the beginning Self-Parenting sessions

is

negative feedback coming automatically from the Inner

188

•

SELF-PARENTING

Parent

—

^judging,

commenting, or

what the Inner Child

says. For

in

some way

example,

in

interfering with

response to a ques-

who it likes the most, your Inner Child may give an answer your Inner Parent thinks is preposterous. Or there may be negative opinions and emotions coming from your Inner

tion such as

Child that take your Inner Parent completely by surprise. Before you know it, your Inner Parent thinks twelve negative thoughts to the one honest response of your Inner Child! Instead of reacting negatively (or positively, for that matter)

down whatever your Inner Child you are judging positively or negatively by the extra thoughts in your head which are not a response to your question, but are mental feedback to the responses of the Inner Child. They will be parental sounding judgments or advice such as good/bad, right/wrong, or better/worse. When you do have Inner Parent thoughts or judgments (and you will) don't worry, because everyone does at first; it is unavoidable. In fact, during your standard introduction, you have even apologized to your Inner Child in advance for this very problem! Just remember the following. When you do find yourself arguing, judging, or thinking that the response of your Inner Child is "wrong," or "stupid," be sure to STOP right away and to the answers, simply write says.

You

will

know

if

APOLOGIZE again by saying out loud: "Inner Child, I'm sorry. I was judging what you me. Please go ahead with what you were saying before I interrupted. I will keep practicing not

told

to

do

this in the future.**

Remember, your job

as the Inner Parent during these ses-

be the receiver and reflect like a mirror what the Inner Child is saying. Your Inner Child must feel more safe and secure answering questions during your Self-Parenting sessions than at

sions

is

to

OPENING UP THE DIALOGUE

•

109

any other time of the day. The strange and unusual answers you get will help you discover more and more about your Inner Child's thoughts, feelings,

and needs, which of course,

purpose of the Self-Parenting sessions

is

the

in the first place.

ACCEPT WriHOUr MENTAL JUDGMENTS THE ANSWERS OF THE INNER CHILD DUREVG THESE SESSIONS! During the

first

two weeks, you

(the Inner Parent) never

want to

condemn anything your Inner Child says, even if your Inner Parent knows it to be completely wrong. In the following

judge or

weeks of

Self-Parenting sessions, your Inner Parent will have

the opportunity for interaction with your Inner Child.

The worst thing you can do during the

initial

Self-Parenting

impose your old parental patterns on your Inner Child or stop the session because your Inner Parent doesn't like Exercises

is

to

what your Inner Child says. If you do this you will upset your Inner Child because you have judged it critically for giving an answer that you, the Inner Parent, requested in the first place. This would be similar to an outer parent punishing a child for telling the truth. truth,

and

in the

The outer child quickly learns not to tell the same manner your Inner Child will quickly

learn not to respond to your questions.

mmmmmmmmMmmmmimmtmmiimmmmmmmmimim 190

SELF-PARENTING

•

STEP 4

THANK YOUR INNER CHILD FOR After Child, estly.

you have recorded the

be sure to thank

it

for

full

ITS

RESPONSE

response of your Inner

answering you openly and hon-

Do this after each question.

Direct the following statement

inward to your Inner Child and remember to say

it

out loud:

"Thank you. Inner Child, for telling me that," Thanking your Inner Child feel

happy and secure

after

since, for the

each question allows first

time,

it

is

it

to

being heard

and accepted without judgment or disapproval. The Inner Parent's question, the Inner Child's response, followed by a positive acknowledgment from the Inner Parent, begins the loving, supporting, and nurturing that is such an important part of Self-Parenting. This alone will

start to

build positive "points'*

with your Inner Child which will contribute to your well-being

throughout your day.

OPENING UP THE DIALOGUE

•

191

STEPS

END THE SESSION The

ideal Self-Parenting question

thirty minutes. It's

not important

these questions or even

What

session.

taken the

is

full

you complete

if

important

and answer session

how fast you

is

all

is

proceed through of them in one

that you, as the Inner Parent,

have

half-hour out of your busy schedule to love,

and nurture your Inner Child. On the other hand, you and your Inner Child could start having such a good time that neither of you wants to stop and you might find your first session going overtime. It's recommended that you do not give in to this tempting pleasure. Limitsupport,

ing session times to only thirty minutes has given Self-Parenting

students the best overall results. It is

the accrued consistency of the Self-Parenting sessions

that brings benefits to

your daily

life.

A session that goes on too

long in the beginning causes your Inner Child to feel too invigorated or exhilarated. Since

you

feel

ping your session for a few days. to start

up again because you have

tum. There Child

who

is

lost

on the

skip-

part of your Inner

feels that the Inner Parent started

something good

it.

So, after thirty minutes

use a standard closing. This is

up

much harder your positive momen-

then becomes

also a feeling of betrayal

and then dropped

session

so good, you wind

It

it

is

lets

time to end the session. Again,

your Inner Child

know that

the

over and also contributes to their consistency. The

following statement works well as a closing.

192 •

SELF-PARENTING

Dear Inner Child, It has heen thirty minutes now since we have been talking and sharing with each other. I really have enjoyed it and I feel grateful that we could spend this time together. Tomorrow let's do it s^ain and have fust as much fun. (You might also include some special words of appreciation specific to

the session.)

Thanks

again.

Your Inner Parent Repeat

down

this

process of asking questions, writing

the responses, and thanking the Inner Child for

approximately

thirty

will start hearing

minutes each day. As a

you

YOUR Inner Child with a much clearer

and much stronger voice during the activities.

result,

rest of

your daily

OPENING UP THE DIALOGUE

•

193

Getting Ready for Your Sessions:

You wUl need a pen, some 8-1/2 x 11 notebook paper, and a down the responses of your Inner Child. Use

surface for writing

separate sheets of paper for each half-hour session. At the top of the page put the day, date,

and time you

start

your session.

Draw a line down the middle and label the left side INNER PARENT, and the right side INNER CHILD. Keep your written responses in a three-ring notebook that you save

just for this

purpose.

Keeping a chronological record of your sessions enables you to work with others to improve your Self-Parenting skills. Perhaps you are involved in a twelve-step program or a SELF-

PARENTING Support Group. You can others to help you will also full

work through

share your sessions with

trouble areas.

Many therapists To gain the

help you sort out problems you might have.

benefits of evaluating your Self-Parenting sessions, having

them written down is a must. The following questions are a suggested schedule first

week's Self-Parenting sessions.

I

strongly

for the

recommend

that

you follow the thirty-minute format using these beginning questions. The initial goal for Self-Parenting sessions during this first week is simply to establish a consistent amount of time each day to love, support, and nurture your Inner Child. This demonstrates to

your Inner Child

way

in a concrete

that you, as the

Inner Parent, are serious about changing your previous SelfParenting patterns.

Praaicing the proper form and demonstrating to your Inner Child that you actively want to get to plish

wonders

benefit of the

for first

know

your relationship. This

week

safely

better will

accom-

the most important

You and your Inner bond you once shared.

of Self-Parenting.

Child need this time to reestablish the

These questions

it

is

will gently

and

easily allow

your Inner Child to

express non-threatening answers to non-threatening

questions in a non-threatening environment.

194

•

SELF-PARENTING

DAY ONE Some beginning

questions that you can use are:

L Inner Child,

how are you doing today?

Response of your Inner 2.

Child:

Inner Child, do you think

it's

strange to have these

Self-Parenting sessions?

Response of your Inner Child: 3.

Inner Child, are you feeling comfortable right now? Response of your Inner Child:

how did you sleep last night? Response of your Inner Child:

4.

Inner Child,

5.

Inner Child, what did you eat for breakfast this morning (or dinner last night)? Response of your Inner Child:

6.

Inner Child, did you enjoy the meal? Response of your Inner Child:

7.

Inner Child, what are your three favorite foods? Response of your Inner Child:

8.

When did you last get to eat each of your three favorite foods?

Response of your Inner Child:

WEEK ONE EXERCISES

9.

Inner Child, what

is

•

195

your favorite movie?

Response of your Inner Child: 10.

Inner Child, what like so much?

is it

about that movie that you

Response of your Inner Child: 11.

Inner Child,

who is your favorite actor/actress?

Response of your Inner Child: 12.

Inner Child, what is you like so much?

it

Response of your Inner 13.

Inner Child,

tell

about that actor/actress that

Child:

me about something you did today

(or yesterday) that you enjoyed.

Response of your Inner Child: 14.

Inner Child,

tell

me about something you did today

(or yesterday) that you didn't enjoy.

Response of your Inner Child: 15.

Inner Child, to tell

is

there anything else

you would like

me l>efore we end this session?

Response of your Inner Child:

196

•

SELF-PARENTING

DAY TWO L Inner Child,

how are you feeling today?

Response of your Inner Child: 2.

Inner Child, right

how is your physical body feeling

now?

Response of your Inner Child: 3.

Inner Child, what

is

your emotional state right

now? Response of your Inner 4.

Inner Child, what

is

Child:

your

favorite kind of music?

Response of your Inner Child: 5.

Inner Child, group?

who is your favorite singer or musical

Response of your Inner 6.

Inner Child, when was the favorite music? Response of your Inner

7.

Child:

Inner Child,

last

time you heard your

Child:

how many albums do you have by that

singer/group? Response of your Inner 8.

Child:

Inner Child, would you like to have more albums

by that singer/group? Response of your Inner Child:

""'"

9.

"

Inner Child,

WEEK ONE EXE'rcTseV

tell

me about something you did today

(or yesterday) that you enjoyed.

Response of your Inner Child: 10.

Inner Child,

tell

me about something you did today

(or yesterday) that you didn't enjoy.

Response of your Inner 11.

Child:

Inner Child, what did you eat for lunch (today or yesterday)?

Response of your Inner Child: 12.

Inner Child, what was your favorite part of the meal? Response of your Inner Child:

13.

Inner Child, what was your meal?

least favorite part

of the

Response of your Inner Child: 14.

Inner Child, what is another one of your favorite movies that you didn't tell me yesterday? Response of your Inner Child:

15.

Inner Child, what was that movie?

it

you enjoyed most about

Response of your Inner Child: 16.

Inner Child, is there anything else you would like to tell me before we end this session? Response of your Inner Child:

198

•

SELF-PARENTING

DAY THREE L Inner Child, how are you feeling today? Response of your Inner Child: 2.

Inner Child, are you comfortable? Response of your Inner

3.

Inner Child, how do you like doing these Parenting sessions? Response of your Inner

4.

Self-

Child:

Inner Child, what would you like to make you feel more comfortable during these sessions? Response of your Inner

5.

Child:

Inner Child,

Child:

how did you sleep last night?

Response of your Inner Child: 6.

Inner Child, were you comfortable when you slept last night?

Response of your Inner 7.

Inner Child, what

is

Child:

your favorite sport to play?

Response of your Inner Child: 8.

When did you last exercise or play your favorite sport?

Response of your Inner

Child:

WEEK ONE EXERCISES

9. If you

could be any athlete,

•

199

who would it be?

Response of your Inner Child: 10.

What is

it

about that athlete that you like so much?

Response of your Inner Child: 11.

Inner Child, if you had your choice, what would you like for dinner? Response of your Inner

12.

Inner Child,

you had your choice, who would you on the phone?

if

like to talk to

Response of your Inner 13.

Child:

Child:

Inner Child, what person do you love the most in the world? Response of your Inner Child:

14.

Inner Child, what person do you hate the most in the world? Response of your Inner Child:

15.

Inner Child, is there anything else you would like to tell me before we end this session? Response of your Inner Child:

200 •

SELF-PARENTING

DAY FOUR L Inner Child,

how are you doing today?

Response of your Inner Child: 2.

Inner Child, right

how Is your physical body feeling

now?

Response of your Inner Child: 3.

Inner Child, what

Is

your emotional state right

now? Response of your Inner Child: 4.

Inner Child, which room nve? Response of your Inner

5.

Inner Child, what so much?

6.

7.

about that room that you like

Child:

Inner Child, which room where we live? Response of your Inner

Inner Child, what dlsUke so much?

your favorite where we

Child:

Is It

Response of your Inner

is

Is

your least favorite

Child:

Is It

about that

room that you

Response of your Inner Child: 8.

Inner Child, what would make that room a better room to be In? Response of your Inner

Child:

WEEK ONE EXERCISES

9.

•

201

Inner Child, can you remember a time when you

were sad? Response of your Inner Child: 10.

11.

tell me about that time. Response of your Inner Child:

Inner Child,

Inner Child, can you remember a time when you

were happy? Response of your Inner Child: tell me about that time. Response of your Inner Child:

12.

Inner Child,

13.

Inner Child,

who is your favorite male friend?

Response of your Inner Child: 14.

Inner Child, what makes him your favorite special

male friend? Response of your Inner Child: 15.

there anything else you would like before we end this session?

Inner Child, to tell

me

is

Response of your Inner Child:

fmmmmmmmmtmmmmmimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmimimmmmmmmmmmmm 202 • SELF-PARENTING

DAY FIVE L Inner Child, how are you feeling today? Response of your Inner Child: 2.

Inner Child, are you feeling comfortable? Response of your Inner Child:

3.

Inner Child, what kinds of things do you like to do for fun?

Response of your Inner Child: 4.

Inner Child,

why do you like to do those things so

much? Response of your Inner Child: 5.

Inner Child, when was the those things? Response of your Inner

6.

Inner Child, what

is

last

time you got to do

Child:

your

favorite possession?

Response of your Inner Child: 7.

Inner Child,

how would you feel if you lost your

favorite possession?

Response of your Inner 8.

Inner Child,

Child:

who is your favorite female friend?

Response of your Inner

Child:

n

WEEK ONE EXERCISES

9.

•

203

Inner Child, what makes her your favorite special female friend? Response of your Inner Child:

10.

Inner Child, can you remember a recent time when you were enthusiastic and energetic? Response of your Inner Child:

11.

Inner Child, what made you so enthusiastic and energetic?

Response of your Inner Child: 12.

Inner Child, can you remember a recent time when you received a gift? Response of your Inner Child:

13.

Inner Child,

how did receiving that gift make you

feel?

Response of your Inner Child: 14.

Inner Child, can you remember a time when you got a pet?

Response of your Inner Child: 15.

Inner Child, is there anything else you would like to tell me before we end this session? Response of your Inner

Child:

204

•

SELF-PARENTING

DAY SIX L Inner Child,

how are you feeling today?

Response of your Inner Child: 2.

Inner Child, right

how is your physical body feeling

now?

Response of your Inner Child: 3.

Inner Child,

how is your emotional state right now?

Response of your Inner Child: 4.

Inner Child, can you remember a time you went

swimming? Response of your Inner Child: 5.

Inner Child, can you remember another time you

went swimming? Response of your Inner 6.

Inner Child,

when was your favorite vacation?

Response of your Inner 7.

Child:

Child:

Inner Child, what did you do on that vacation that

was the most fun? Response of your Inner Child: 8.

Inner Child, what else did you do on that vacation that

was fun?

Response of your Inner Child:

WEEK ONE EXERCISES

9.

•

205

Inner Child, what famous x>erson do you really admire? Response of your Inner Child:

10.

Inner Child, what do you admire most about that famous person? Response of your Inner Child:

11.

Inner Child, can you remember a famous event that you really thought was important? Response of your Inner

12.

Inner Child,

Child:

how did that event affect you

personally?

Response of your Inner 13.

Child:

Inner Child, can you tell me about a time when you

were angry? Response of your Inner Child: 14.

Inner Child, can you tell me about a time when you felt

confident?

Response of your Inner Child: 15.

Inner Child, is there anything el^e you would like to tell me before we end this session? Response of your Inner Child:

206 •

SELF-PARENTING

DAY SEVEN L Inner Child, how are you doing today? Response of your Inner Child: 2.

Inner Child, are you comfortable? Response of your Inner

3.

Child:

Inner Child, can you remember a time

when you

felt afraid?

Response of your Inner 4.

Inner Child,

tell

Child:

me more about that experience.

Response of your Inner Child: 5.

Inner Child, can you remember a time when you created or made something? Response of your Inner

6.

Inner Child, what was Response of your Inner

7.

Inner Child,

it?

Child:

how did creating it make you feel?

Response of your Inner 8.

Child:

Child:

Inner Child, can you remember a time when got something you wanted? Response of your Inner

Child:

WEEK ONE EXERCISES

9.

Inner Child, what was

•

207

it?

Response of your Inner Child: 10.

Inner Child,

why were you glad to get it?

Response of your Inner Child: 11.

Inner Child, can you remember a time when you didn't get something you wanted? Response of your Inner Child:

12.

Inner Child,

why were you upset that you didn't get

it?

Response of your Inner Child: 13.

Inner Child, can you remember a time when you got something you didn't want? Response of your Inner Child:

14.

Inner Child,

why were you unhappy to get it?

Response of your Inner Child: 15.

Inner Child, to tell

is

there anything else

you would like

me before we end this session?

Response of your Inner Child:

*''**********''**''**'''''''***'*''''''''''''''''~''''''^^

MiiMMi

inriTiTnnnonnnnnnnnomnnfiifiwnniinnnniin

i

jyyyyiiiiuiiiiiiyOT

ADVANCING THE SELFPARENTING EXERCISES

ADVANCING

THE SELF-PARENTING EXERCISES

•

211

INTRODUCTION After following the

initial

you and your Inner Child other.

week, tune with each

Self-Parenting sessions for a

are

much more

in

Now the introductory questions will be less interesting for

both of you.

One way

to advance the sessions

your Inner Child to go back into

One

its

memory

to encourage

memories.

particular aspect of the Inner Child

as the gatekeeper to the

is

is

that

it

functions

storehouse. Only the Inner

Child can have memories (just as only the Inner Child can feel the emotions).

To

recall a

memory,

it is

necessary for the Inner

Parent to request the Inner Child to bring

up

or replay that

memory. Once your Inner Child makes the recall, it then feeds memory into your Inner Conversation. The Inner Child can also have spontaneous recall due to outer stimuli. Familiar sights, pictures, and especially smells stir up old memories

the

within your Inner Child.

One method recall is to

of deepening the sessions and aiding

have a favorite picture of you as a child

at

memory

the session.

This picture should be a happy one that evokes fond memories or has an obviously

happy expression. Directing your questions

to your Inner Child with this picture present will help your Inner

Child recall emotional feelings and events of the past.

When asking the Inner Child to recall memories

it

can some-

come up with something. Other times your Inner Child will remember incidents or feelings so quickly your Inner Parent will be flabbergasted. It may

times take a while for him or her to

also

be helpful to close your eyes to reduce outer stimulation asking your Inner Child to recall memories.

when

mm 212

•

SELF-PARENTING

Another method of deepening the sessions

is

to ask

your

Inner Child

more

of a

personal nature between you and your Inner Child

strictly

intimate questions.

These would be questions

involving feelings about family problems,

work

situations, or religious matters. Also, asking

"why" questions tions as

it

will elicit

ethics, sexual

your Inner Child

deeper (and more powerful) emo-

begins to feel safer and more

also allow your Inner Child to freely

"Why" questions volunteer feelings on its at ease.

own terms,

the way it wants to reveal them. Always remember when asking questions to keep the opinions and thoughts of your Inner Parent separate from that of

your Inner Child. Also remember to keep your Self-Parenting sessions to thirty minutes

1.

2.

and follow this simple procedure:

Establish the setting.

Ask the questions out loud using the "Inner

Child,.

." .

format.

3.

Write

down the

Inner Child's responses exactly as

it

responds.

4.

After each question

is

fully

answered, thank the Inner

Child out loud.

5.

End

the session after thirty minutes.

The questions of the second week

are designed to stimulate

your Inner Child to bring up deeper emotions or past memories during your Self-Parenting sessions. These questions and others like

them

will stimulate

your Inner Child to

tell

you volumes of

ADVANCING

THE SELF-PARENTING EXERCISES

interesting things that will

your

•

213

keep both of you fascinated during

daily Self-Parenting half-hour. If you are interested in other

lines of questioning

you may make up your own questions.

214 •

SELF-PARENTING EXERCISES WEEK TWO

DAY EIGHT L Inner Child,

how are you feeling today?

Response of your Inner Child: 2.

Inner Child,

why are you feeling that way?

Response of your Inner 3.

Inner Child, what do you remember liking most about school? Response of your Inner

4.

Child:

Inner Child,

is

Child:

there anything else you liked about

school?

Response of your Inner 5.

Inner Child, do you remember a particular incident that you truly enjoyed? Response of your Inner

6.

Inner Child,

Child:

why did you hate that so much?

Response of your Inner 8.

Child:

Inner Child, what do you remember hating most about school? Response of your Inner

7.

Child:

Child:

Inner Child, do you remember any particular incident that

you truly hated?

Response of your Inner Child: 9.

Inner Child, what are some of your favorite activities you*d like to do soon? Response of your Inner

Child:

DAY EIGHT

10.

Inner child,

•

215

why do you enjoy them so much?

Response of your Inner Child:

11.

Inner Child,

when was the last time you got to do

them? Response of your Inner Child:

12.

Inner Child, when was the very first time you enjoyed the activity? Response of your Inner Child:

13.

Inner Child, do you like nature? Response of your Inner

14.

Child:

Inner Child, what type of environment in nature do you like best? Response of your Inner Child:

15.

Inner Child, what

your favorite weather condition: rain, clouds, snow, thunder, sun, wind, day, night, cold, hot, moderate, dawn, sunset, noon, hail, stars, moon, dew, fog? is

Response of your Inner Child:

16.

Inner Child,

how does that weather condition make

you feel? Response of your Inner Child:

17.

Inner Child, is there anything else you would like to tell me before we end this session? Response of your Inner Child:

21* •

SELF-PARENTINO EXERCISES WEEK TWO

DAY NINE L Inner Child,

how are you feeling today?

Response of your Inner Child: 2.

Inner Child, right

how is your physical body feeling

now?

Response of your Inner Child: 3.

Inner Child, what part of your body feels the tightest?

Response of your Inner Child: 4.

Inner Child, what part ofyour body feels the most relaxed?

Response ofyour Inner Child: 5.

Inner Child, what

is

your £Eivorite book?

Response ofyour Inner Child:

why did you like that Response of your Inner Child:

6.

Inner Child,

7.

Inner Child, how long has or a book that good?

it

book so much?

been since you read

it

Response ofyour Inner Child: 8.

Inner Child, on a scale of 1-to-lO

how much do you

like to read?

Response of your Inner Child: 9.

Inner Child, do you remember a time as a child

when you were enthusiastic and energetic? Response of your Inner Child:

DAY NINE

•

217

how old were you at the time? Response of your Inner Child:

10.

Inner Child,

11.

Inner Child,

tell

me more about that time.

Response of your Inner Child:

12.

Inner Child, good?

when was the last time you felt that

Response of your Inner Child:

13.

Inner Child, can you remember a birthday between the ages of five and ten? Response of your Inner Child:

14.

Inner Child,

tell

me about that birthday.

Response of your Inner Child:

15.

Inner Child, can you remember a gift you received? Response of your Inner Child:

16.

Inner Child,

how did receiving that gift make you

feel inside?

Response of your Inner Child:

17.

Inner Child,

is

there anything else you

to tell me before

we end

this session?

Response of your Inner Child:

would like

wimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmammmmmmtmimmmimmmmmitmMmmmimmmmmmmmi^^ SELF-PARENTING EXERCISES WEEK TWO

218 •

DAY TEN L Inner Child,

how are you feeling today?

Response of your Inner Child: 2.

Inner Child, what

is

your emotional state right

now? Response of your Inner 3.

Child:

Inner Child, can you remember a time as a child

when you were bored or depressed? Response of your Inner Child: 4.

Inner Child,

how old were you at the time?

Response of your Inner 5.

Inner Child,

tell

Child:

me about that time.

Response of your Inner Child: 6.

Inner Child, bad?

when was the last time you felt that

Response of your Inner Child: 7.

Inner Child, do you remember a time as a child

when you were enthusiastic and energetic? Response of your Inner Child: 8.

Inner Child,

how old were you at the time?

Response of your Inner Child: 9.

Inner Child,

tell

me more about that time.

Response of your Inner Child: 10.

Inner Child, can you remember a Christmas between the ages of five and ten? Response of your Inner Child:

DAY TEN

11.

Inner Child,

tell

•

219

me about that Christmas.

Response of your Inner Child: 12.

Inner Child, what person in your the most?

life

do you love

Response of your Inner Child: 13.

Inner Child, what are the him or her?

traits that

make you love

Response of your Inner Child: 14.

Inner Child, what person in your the most? Response of your Inner

15.

life

do you hate

Child:

Inner Child, what traits about that person make you hate him or her? Response of your Inner Child:

16.

Inner Child, can you remember a time as a child

when you did someone a favor? Response of your Inner 17.

Inner Child, teU me about Response of your Inner

18.

Child:

Inner Child,

that.

Child:

how did doing that favor make you

feel inside?

Response of your Inner Child: 19.

Inner Child, is there anything else you would like to tell me before we end this session? Response of your Inner Child:

220

•

SELF-PARENTING EXERCISES WEEK TWO

DAY ELEVEN how are you feeling right Response of your Inner Child:

L Inner Child,

2.

now?

Inner Child, are you feeling better physically or emotionally? Response of your Inner Child:

3.

Inner Child,

tell

me why you feel that way?

Response of your Inner 4.

Inner Child, about 10 years ago (or 20, 30, 40) what specific event or incident really made you happy? Response of your Inner

5.

6.

Child:

why did Response of your Inner

Inner Child,

Child:

it

make you feel so good?

Child:

Inner Child, about 10 years ago (or 20, 30, 40) what specific event or incident really made you feel bad? Response of your Inner Child:

7.

Inner Child, what was you feel so bad?

it

about that event that

made

Response of your Inner Child: 8.

Inner Child, what

is

your favorite color?

Response of your Inner 9.

Inner Child,

Child:

how many clothes do you have

in that

color?

Response of your Inner 10.

Inner Child, wear?

Child:

how do you feel about the clothes we

Response of your Inner

Child:

DAY ELEVEN

11.

•

221

Inner Child, if you had your clioice, what would you change about our clothes? Response of your Inner Child:

12.

Inner Child, can you tell me about a time when you

needed help? Response of your Inner Child: 13.

Inner Child, can you remember a time when you helped a friend? Response of your Inner Child:

14.

Inner Child, what

felt

good about helping your

friend?

Response of your Inner Child: 15.

Inner Child, in the

week what specific event or you happy?

last

incident really made

Response of your Inner Child: 16.

Inner Child, good?

why did that event make you feel so

Response of your Inner Child: 17.

Inner Child, in the

last

week what specific event or

incident really made you feel bad? Response of your Inner Child: 18.

Inner Child, what about that event bad?

made you feel so

Response of your Inner Child: 19.

Inner Child, is there anything else you would like to tell me before we end this session? Response of your Inner

Child:

222

•

SELF-PARENTING EXERCISES WEEK TWO

DAY TWELVE L Inner Child, right

how isfyour physical body feeling

now?

Response of your Inner

2.

Inner Child, what

is

your emotional state right now?

Response of your Inner

3.

Inner Child,

more

Child:

Child:

why did you like him/her?

Response of your Inner

6.

like to feel

Inner Child, who was your favorite teacher in college (high school, primary school)? Response of your Inner

5.

Child:

Inner Child, what would you comfortable? Response of your Inner

4.

Child:

Child:

Inner Child, if you were more like that person what would you be doing differently in your life right

now? Response of your Inner

7.

Child:

Inner Child, what teacher did you dislike the most in college (high school, primary school)? Response of your Inner Child:

8.

Inner Child,

why did you dislike him/her so much?

Response of your Inner Child:

DAY TWELVE

9.

Inner Child, where whole world?

is

•

223

your favorite place in the

Response of your Inner Child: 10.

Inner Child, what so much?

is it

about that place that you like

Response of your Inner Child: 11.

Inner Child, if you could travel and go anywhere, where would you like to go? Response of your Inner

12.

Child:

Inner Child, what would make you feel good going to that place?

Response of your Inner Child: 13.

Inner Child, would you like to be alone more often? Response of your Inner Child:

14.

Inner Child, if you had your choice, would you be alone more often or less often? Why? Response of your Inner Child:

15.

Inner Child, if you had your choice, where would you like to go on your next vacation? Response of your Inner Child:

16.

Inner Child, is there anything else you would like to tell me before we end this session? Response of your Inner Child:

MM 224 • SELF-PARENTING

EXERCISES WEEK TWO

DAY7HIRIEBI L Inner Child,

how are you feeling right now?

Response of your Inner

2.

Child:

Inner Child, are you feeling better physically or emotionally? Response of your Inner

3.

Inner Child,

tell

me why you feel that way?

Response of your Inner

4.

Inner Child,

Child:

why did you like it so much?

Response of your Inner

6.

Child:

Inner Child, what was the best vacation you ever had? Response of your Inner

5.

Child:

Child:

Inner Child, what was your £avorite sexual experience? Response of your Inner

Child:

who was it with? Response of your Inner Child:

7.

Inner Child,

8.

Inner Child,

how old were you at the time?

Response of your Inner

Child:

DAY THIRTEEN

9.

•

225

Inner Child, what was your worst sexual experience? Response of your Inner Child:

10.

Inner Child,

who was it with?

Response of your Inner Child:

11.

Inner Child,

how old were you at the time?

Response of your Inner Child:

12.

Inner Child, can you remember a time when you

were successful? Response of your Inner Child:

13.

Inner Child,

tell

me more about that time/incident

Response of your Inner Child:

14.

Inner Child, can you remember a time when you faUed? Response of your Inner Child:

15.

Inner Child,

tell

me more about that time/incident

Response of your Inner Child:

16.

Inner Child, to tell

is

there anything else

you would like

me before we end this session?

Response of your Inner Child:

226 •

SELF-PARENTING EXERCISES WEEK TWO

DAY FOURTEEN L Inner Child,

how are you feeling today?

Response of your Inner Child: 2.

Inner Child, right

how is your physical body feeling

now?

Response of your Inner 3.

Child:

Inner Child, what part of your body

feels the

most

feels the

most

tense?

Response of your Inner 4.

Child:

Inner Child, what part of your body relaxed?

Response of your Inner 5.

Inner Child, what do you remember best about your childhood? Response of your Inner

6.

Inner Child,

Child:

Inner Child, what did you like the childhood? Response of your Inner

8.

Child:

why do you remember that?

Response of your Inner 7.

Child:

Inner Child,

least

about your

Child:

why did you dislike that so much?

Response of your Inner Child:

DAY FOURTEEN

9.

•

who were your five favorite school (From college, high school, junior high

Inner Child, friends?

school, elementary school, kindergarten,

preschool?) Response of your Inner Child: 10.

Inner Child,

who do you like spending time with

now? Response of your Inner Child: 11.

Inner Child, why does spending time with that person make you feel good? Response of your Inner Child:

12.

Inner Child, do you wish you had more friends? Response of your Inner

13.

Child:

Inner Child, if you had more friends what would they be like? Response of your Inner Child:

14.

Inner Child, to tell

is

there anything else

you would like

me before we end this session?

Response of your Inner Child:

227

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MORE WAYS TO USE THE SELF-PARENTEVG EXERCISES

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220 •

INTRODUCTION The initial purpose of these DAILY thirty-minute sessions is you (as the Inner Parent) to learn how to distinguish between the two voices of your Inner Conversations. You ask the for

questions out loud in the voice of your Inner Parent.

The

thoughts and feelings that you hear inside your mind are those of your Inner Child. Writing down those responses in the proper manner will show your Inner Parent in an objective way the thoughts and feelings of your Inner Child. Thanking the Inner Child after each question completes the cycle, and ending the Self-Parenting session after thirty minutes concludes the process.

Amazing progress Conversations can be cises. First there is a

in the

conscious awareness of your Inner

made during your

Self-Parenting Exer-

period of one to two weeks

as the Inner Parent, learn to recognize

in

which you,

and know the voice of

your Inner Child. As your Self-Parenting sessions deepen and the techniques and

discover

many

skills

of your Inner Parent improve, you will

opportunities to improve both the relationship

with your Inner Child and your

life

circumstances.

As your Self-Parenting sessions continue you

many problems

that

resolved but which

you had

(as the Inner Parent) thought

still

remain outstanding as Inner Conflicts

within your Inner Conversations. Deeper and issues

will discover

you

which have held you back

more powerful

also will begin to rise to

conscious awareness. These are problems which have resulted

from being unaware of or ignoring your Inner Child

until

now.

MORE WAYS TO

USE THE EXERCISES

•

231

Thirty-minute sessions are the key to working with your

Inner Conversations. Without them there for

is

too

much

potential

your Inner Parent to revert to Win/Lose parenting during the

Once

between the two Selves, become a way of working out problems and evolving decisions for your future. They will be day.

basic understanding exists

the Self-Parenting sessions will

the most powerful thirty minutes in your Self-Parenting sessions

life.

and awareness of your Inner Con-

versations can be of practical use in many ways. You can use your half-hour sessions to resolve Inner Conflicts, love, support,

and nurture your Inner

Child, build

your self-esteem, establish

or increase motivation for goals, or continue with your question-

and-answer sessions.

232 •

SELF-PARENTING

RESOLVING INNER CONFLICTS Many

times during the day a problem will arise that triggers

Whenever you

a major Inner Conflict.

make

are confused or can't

a decision, an Inner Conflict exists between your Inner

Parent and Inner Child.

It

may not even be

a conflict as

much

as

two you may sit down, write out the Inner Conversation, and

a misunderstanding or miscommunication between the Selves.

With the pace of

not have time to

modem

life

being what

it is,

positively Self-Parent the situation using the eight steps.

may have to consider

The

all

react

You

and make a decision before you have time

to

the feelings of both Selves.

perfect time to resolve these situations

Self-Parenting sessions. If a

during the day,

tell

is

during your

problem or Inner Conflict

your Inner Child

that

you

will

arises

work out a

solution during your next thirty-minute session. As a result, your

Inner Child will temporarily

feel better.

But be sure and follow

if you make this promise. If you don't follow through when you say you will, your Inner Child will feel betrayed and it may refuse to believe you the next time you tell it something.

up

During your next Self-Parenting session, take ten minutes to write out the Inner Conflict

and

individually

list

the needs of

each Self on your Inner Conversation Dialogue Sheet. Each its own set of needs and requirements. Spend the next twenty minutes following the eight steps of conflict resolution. Use Win/Win problem-solving to positively Self-Parent the needs of both Inner Parent and Inner Child. Follow the eight steps until both sides are satisfied.

Inner Self will have

MORE WAYS TO

LOVING, SUPPORTING,

USE THE EXERCISES

•

233

AND NURTURING

YOUR INNER CHILD Sometimes a

situation or incident

may

really upset

your

Inner Child but due to the outer circumstances you are unable to nurture your Inner Child properly. Rather than an Inner Conflict, this situation is

When

experienced more as a trauma for your Inner

happened before you became aware of SelfParenting, you would normally gloss over, ignore, or negate the hurt feelings of your Inner Child in the same way your parents would gloss over, ignore, or negate your hurt feelings as a child. To end this cycle of abuse you can acknowledge the upjset feelings of your Inner Child and promise to take up the situation Child.

this

during your next Self-Parenting session.

When

something up-

sets you during the day, use part of your next thirty-minute

and explain the happened or the choices were made. As you begin to follow up on your promises, your Inner Child will learn to depend on your sincerity and concern. It will feel loved, supported, and nurtured in a way it has never felt

session to soothe the feelings of the Inner Child

reasons

why

the experience

before!

Use your

work out Inner would accumulate.

daily Self-Parenting sessions to

Conflicts or daily traumas that otherwise

Your half-hour sessions

are an ideal opportunity for using the

Inner Conversation Dialogue Sheet on a regular basis to settle

nagging questions, pressing problems, doubts, or indecision. By

down both sides of your Inner Conversations, you will be able to objectively determine which Self is saying what and what the needs of each Self are. Many times this Self-Parenting writing

step alone will solve or soothe the situation!

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234 •

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SELF-PARENTING

Another aspect of loving, supporting, and nurturing yourself is

to validate your Inner Child for the

with an intense and

little

someone

things. For

sometimes

the cap back on the toothpaste represents a major viaory. For some, difficult life,

just putting

up thirty minutes earlier to do Self-Parenting sessions can become the emotional equivalent of a new romance. getting

At the suggestion of her Inner Child, one student chose to drive to

work along

a different route.

Even though the

trip

took

was much happier and even her Inner Parent agreed the prettier route was a much more pleasant a bit longer, her Inner Child

way to start the day. This person's simple validation of her Inner Child made a big difference in the way she felt all day long. Another student was going into the kitchen to tea before crawling sions.

One

fortable,

it

day,

back

into

bed

when she asked

to

do her

complained about having cold

morning

thirty-minute ses-

her Inner Child

put on her slippers did she realize

start

if it

was com-

Only when she

feet.

how cold the

floor was,

how

cold her feet had been, and that she had been uncomfortable

during her sessions as a

result.

easy solution to a problem

You

will discover

I

many

As she

didn't

later said, "It

even

know I

opportunities to love, support, and

nurture your Inner Child during the day attention.

whatever

A it

basic rule to

wants,

Inner Parent). This

we

if it is

was such an

had!"

go by

is

if

you

will

only pay

to give your Inner Child

doesn't hurt anyone else (including the

especially true of the day-to-day things that

usually take for granted, such as the kind of toothpaste

use or which soap to buy. Your Inner Child has

its

we

own opinions

and the positive feelings it gives back to you when nized and nurtured will be very rewarding.

it

is

recog-

MORE WAYS TO

USE THE EXERCISES

•

235

BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM Self-esteem

is

the opinion your Inner Parent has about your

Inner Child and the feelings your Inner Child has about that

Your Inner Child's feelings of esteem result from the quantity and quality of messages your Inner Parent sends during the day. If you consciously tell your Inner Child that you love it five times a day but you tell it unconsciously within your Inner opinion.

Conversations

it

is

"dumb,"

"hopeless," or an "idiot," a

"fat,"

hundred times a day, your overall self-esteem will be low. You must become consciously aware of the language your Inner Parent

now

uses unconsciously during daily com-

munication with your Inner Child. ture,

many

command,

criticize,

You may blame,

times a day without being aware of the psychological

damage you

are causing yourself. This behavior

harmful to your self-esteem and

The

first

criticizing

is

is

action step of positive Self-Parenting

your Inner Child

in

will automatically

extremely

entirely self-inflicted. is

to stop

your Inner Conversations. By

doing your Self-Parenting Exercises

you

scold, lec-

judge, or threaten your Inner Child

have begun

in the prescribed

this all

manner

important step during

your half-hour sessions.

The next step is not using negative language with your Inner Child during other activities. To enjoy high levels of self-esteem, your Inner Parent must stop negatively Self-Parenting your ner Child

all

In-

the time. Stop giving your Inner Child damaging

comments, observations, and opinions during the day. This practice alone gives your Inner Child a measure of autonomy, respect, acceptance,

and

control. Stopping negative

comments

IW

236 •

will

m illM H iHii;!!!iii!i8MW8MW i

SELF-PARENTING

provide your Inner Child convincing proof of your determi-

nation to love, support, and nurture him or her.

The

your Inner Child posiduring your thirty-minute sessions. Having established a daily positive and nurturing interaction with your Inner Child through the first two weeks' questions, final step is to start giving

tive Self-Parenting

the Inner Parent can

now start building self-esteem through

the

use of positive programming. Instead of asking questions, you, as the Inner Parent, will be nurturing your Inner Child with positive statements such as:

Inner Child, Inner Child, happy. Inner Child, Inner Child,

I,

the Inner Parent, care about you.

I,

the Inner Parent, want you to be

I,

the Inner Parent, appreciate you.

I,

the Inner Parent, want you to get what

you need and want Inner Child, I, the Inner Parent, love you. Inner Child, you are my favorite person in the whole world. Inner Child, I, the Inner Parent, love being with you. Inner Child, you are a treasure. Inner Child, you are fascinating, brilliant, and beautifiiL

Inner Child, you are sexy and desirable. Inner Child, you are the center of my universe. Begin a self-esteem session by reading the standard

intro-

duction. Next say to your Inner Child, "Inner Child, I, the Inner Parent, care about you." The Inner Child will then

respx)nd to your statement.

One

reaction could be disbelief or

If you experience this type of and openly write down the negative emotions of your Inner Child. Let your Inner Child tell you exactly how and what it feels, thinks, or believes about your statement.

resistance from the Inner Child.

reaction be sure

MORE WAYS TO Demonstrate to him or her that

it is

USE THE EXERCISES

okay to

•

237

and express

feel

negative emotions. After the Inner Child vents

its

emotions, repeat the positive

programming of **Inner Child, I, the Inner Parent, care about you" and wait for more responses. As you alternate the positive statements of the Inner Parent with writing

down

the

negative responses of the Inner Child, the disbelief of your Inner

Child will gradually soften and

let

go. Don't allow your Self-

Parenting session to deteriorate into a two-way argument about

whether you, the Inner Parent, love the Inner Child or not It

may

take several minutes or even several Self-Parenting

sessions for your Inner Child to accept positive programmings if your initial outer parental programming has been extremely harsh or negative. But even the most resistant Inner Child will come around with consistent

from your Inner Parent, especially

practice.

Remember never

to judge or criticize your Inner Child dur-

If you tell your Inner Child the Inner Parent, appreciate you" and it responds by saying "No you don't, you never did, you never let me. ," your only response as the Inner Parent is to write down, "No you don't, you never did, you never let me...," etc. As the Inner Parent, you must allow your Inner Child to fully express whatever it strongly and actually feels. If your Self-Parenting is naturally nurturing you may feel a

ing your thirty-minute sessions.

**Inner Child,

.

I,

.

very positive emotional response emanating from your Inner Child.

Your

feelings could range

tion or love to intense

or

bliss. If this

from

occurs simply write

Inner Child until

it

warm

feelings of satisfac-

and overwhelming sensations of ecstasy

down

the responses of your

has finished responding. Again

I

caution you

not to extend these exercises too long. Your best results

come

from a consistent thirty-minute period of caring and nurturing from Inner Parent to Inner Child.

88888886«88888ii88888888W888888MM

SELF-PARENTING

238 •

Be careful when Self-Parenting not to use positive programming in the way most affirmations are normally used. The typical affirmation process uses arbitrary programming chosen by the Inner Parent which the Inner Child doesn't feel. The Inner Parent demands acceptance of the positive programming by using repetition and will power. While the affirmation may "work"

for the Inner Parent, the Inner Child

This type of Self-Parenting

is

is

forced to obey.

a Win/Lose situation

which

ulti-

mately backfires. The spunk and resistance of your Inner Child will eventually

cause rebellion, noncompliance, or other prob-

lems.

Many with

little

Self-Parenting students have tried using affirmations

or

no

lasting success

because they did not understand

the crucial necessity of the Inner Parent and Inner Child work-

When

they changed their Self-Parenting to a more and nurturing process after first getting to intimately know and understand their Inner Child ^they had much better and more lasting success with their affirmations. Trying to instill positive programming over the resistance of the Inner Child creates Win/Lose situations. ing together.

—

loving, supporting,

All steps for

Win/Win

—

permanent consciousness growth must include

The Inner Parent can't unilaterally decide that it wants to be happy, rich, and successful today and force the Inner Child to go along, just as an outer parent can't tell an outer child it's going to be happy, rich, and successful and suddenly it happens. One-way actions or demands won't last because cooperation is needed from both solutions for both Selves.

sides of the relationship. Both Selves must actively desire the

changes for them to become permanent.

The

truly positive Inner Parent

sends highly charged signals

demonstrating an active desire to meet the needs of

its

Inner

These needs are the ones the Inner Child expresses, not the "advice" the negative Inner Parent says the Inner child.

MORE WAYS TO

USE THE EXERCISES

•

239

Child "should" take. Tell your Inner Child openly that you want its needs to be met. Encourage your Inner Child to tell you what its needs are so that you, the Inner Parent, can help meet those needs. Supply your Inner Child with many positive assurances that you will give it anything it wants to the best of your ability.

The sky

is

the

limit!

an

•

SELF-PARENTINO

ESTABLISHING

OR MOTIVATING FOR GOALS

One responsibility of your Inner Parent is to establish worthwhile and positive goals to enhance your

life.

But your Inner

Parent must account for and allow the desires of your Inner Child to be part of the decision making. Based

on

intellectual

knowledge and foresight, your Inner Parent may decide to go to college, change jobs, move to a different city or country, end a relationship, try a different diet, quit

major

life

smoking, or plan other

decisions.

Yet the Inner Child must have a say as well.

If

your Inner

Child does not provide energy and enthusiasm, the proposed

changes

will

fail.

If

your Inner Parent chooses a career your

Inner Child hates, you will have a in that career. If you

difficult

time being successful

choose (or actually co-choose) a career

your Inner Child loves, then you

and energy to succeed even if your Inner Parent or technically unprepared for that field.

The Inner Parent can always

that

have endless enthusiasm

will

acquire

Child has a true desire to learn them.

new

It is

is

intellectually

skills if

very

the Inner

difficult for

an

Inner Parent to manufacture enthusiasm and drive for learning

new skills if your Inner Child is uninterested.

If

not pleased with the direction your

going

resist,

or give up.

cessful careers

You

will find that

life is

the Inner Child it

is

will rebel,

most individuals with suc-

have naturally followed the desires of their Inner

Child and truly enjoy their work.

you want to make a lasting improvement in your life in any area, in any way, you must enlist the cooperation of both Selves working together towards your common goals. The key If

mmmmm

MORE

WAYS TO

in this situation is to write

down and

Parenting sessions any and

all

USE

THE EXERCISES

•

241

resolve during your Self-

Inner Conflicts that may be gener-

ated by the proposed changes. This guarantees the unique strengths and skills of both Selves ment of your goals.

will

be used

for the attain-

342 •

8ELF-PARENTIN6

CONTINUING QUESTION-

AND-ANSWER SESSIONS Further questioning of the Inner Child in your Self-Parenting sessions can always be used, as this actively facilitates openness

and communication between the two Inner

Selves.

Your Inner

Parent can create questions to ask your Inner Child about current situations in your

life

or about your past experiences. Or,

you can obtain a book of psychological questions such as SelfAnalysis by L. Ron Hubbard and follow them using the "Inner Child,

" format.

sions can have the

discussion or

Half-hour question-and-answer ses-

same pleasant

aftereffects as

phone conversation with your

an intimate

best friend.

At other times, getting information of a specific nature from

your Inner Child

is

a mandatory part of solving an Inner Conflict

or resolving an outer problem. In these cases you will ask direct

questions to your Inner Child expecting an answer in return.

Generic questions can be very useful for

dependable example **Inner Child,

want to

this

purpose.

One

is:

on a scale of 1-10, how much do you ?"

This question works excellently to presage your Inner

Does you Inner Child want to go to the mountains or the beach? At 9:00 p.m. on Friday, does it want to watch the television show on channel four or channel two? Would it rather go to a movie or a concert? Is it hungry for something sweet, something salty, or is it really thirsty? By asking your Inner Child using the 1-10 scale, you can tell exactly Child's interest in a future activity.

MORE what

priority

WAYS TO

USE

THE EXERCISES

•

243

your Inner Child has and make your decision

accordingly.

Another good way to use the 1-10 scale Child a question in the following way:

"Inner Child,

is

to ask

your Inner

on a scale of 1-10, how

do you feel?" Cbored) (angry)

(unhappy) (glad) (rested)

(hungry) (tired)

Your Inner Child will immediately give you an answer, or tell you that it just doesn't care.

its

lack of an answer will

In general,

which give asking

it

it

to

it

is

better to ask

a choice between

"fill

in the blank."

choose between chocolate,

your Inner Child questions

two or three answers, It is

rather that

easy for an outer child to

you ask the more general question, "What kind of ice cream do you want^", it then has to choose between thirty-one flavors. Worse yet, if you ask, "What would you like for dessert^", the choices become infinite and the decision or opinion could drag out "forever," as any parent will attest. Asking questions and receiving answers vanilla, or strawberry. If

from your Inner Child works

in the

same manner.

you do need to ask your Inner Child a direct question, it is best to ask one that gets right to the heart of the matter. The best If

choices to flesh out your Inner Child's opinion or solve a di-

lemma

are:

NNWMHMMMMMMMIIMMIIIMIMIIM^^ 244 •

SELF-PARENTING

*lnner Child,

you like

if

you had your choice what would or

to do,

?"

Or:

Inner Child, what are you feeling?" Or:

''Inner Child,

what is your need?"

The answers popping up your Inner Child.

in

your mind are the opinions of

MORE

ways' TO USE THE

EXERCISES

•

245

WEEK THREE AND FOLLOWING WEEKS Use your Self-Parenting sessions

in

one of the following

ways.

1.

Resolve Inner Conflicts in your

2.

Love, support, and nurture your Inner Child.

3.

Build your self-esteem.

4.

Establish

5.

and motivate

life.

for goals.

Continue question and answer sessions with your Inner Child.

WKwwwwwwfflflfliflflooiOiioooajoaooflKijiiiiiioo

SELF-

PARENTING: FINAL

NOTES

M ii OiOOO i MODODQaOII8888888888988i8888i8(>ll^^

248 •

SELF-PARENTING

SELF-PARENTING

YOUR INNER

CONVERSATIONS

IN THE "REAL

As you proceed with your

thirty

WORLD"

minutes of

daily,

concen-

you will start hearing more and more of your Inner Conversations throughout the day. Although

trated Self-Parenting Exercises,

your Inner Conversations have been occurring continuously,

you will now become much more aware of them. When this happens don't squelch your Inner Child. Listen to it and respond appropriately.

As a result of your Self-Parenting sessions, your Inner Child be much more inclined to speak up and voice an opinion or idea during other aaivities. This is similar to an outer child making a comment or volunteering an observation while walk-

will

ing along with

department "

its

store, all of a ."

Observing

window

in a

sudden your Inner Child might

say,

mother. As you pass a display

And what

is

your response as the Inner Parent*

this situation in outer parent/child relationships

in supermarkets or bookstores, you have watched parents respond to such comments with behavior ranging from a pleasant acknowledgment or comment, to ignoring, screaming, or slapping the child. Do you Self-Parent your own Inner Child in a like manner several times a day?

Just as in outer parenting, the Inner Parent needs to let the

Inner Child

grow and express

its

needs, feelings, and thoughts,

no matter how absurd or unrealistic they may

be. This

your Inner Child grows. As the Inner Child matures

is

the

in

way

under-

FINAL NOTES

Standing

it

will also

stronger ally in

needs a

mature

in ability.

The

result will

•

249

be a much

support of you, the Inner Parent, and your outer

in the "real world."

Any time you hear your Inner Parent giving your Inner Child hard time (and you will) STOP IT. You will get nowhere

abusing your Inner Child. Self-denigration sition for

is

a Lose/Lose propo-

both Selves. Let your Inner Child become more confi-

dent as a result of your Self-Parenting sessions. Listen and enjoy

your Inner Child becoming more spunky and unconsciously ignore or abuse

The

way

best

it

feisty

when you

during the day.

to handle the spontaneous

observations of your Inner Child in your daily

comments and

life is

to give

Inner Parent something to do. This "something to do"

your is

to

mentally (or even out loud!) respond to the thoughts or impres-

you get from your Inner Child. To do this, simply follow same style of listening used during your Self-Parenting ses-

sions the

sions.

Then,

when your

Inner Child has completed speaking,

were said by your best friend. Suppose you smell something during the day and it triggers your Inner Child but you can't remember exactly why. Ask your Inner Child for the reason by respond to

its

statement as

Other situations could

if it

arise.

saying:

**Inner Child,

When just like

lent for

it

what does that remind you of?**

responds have a conversation with your Inner Child

you would with your best

squeeze into a

tight

doing such a good job. You

actively

friend. If

you make an excel-

parking space, thank your Inner Child will

and consciously engage

have many opportunities to

in Inner

your Inner Child throughout the day.

Conversations with

3 lli

Oni»OiH8DOOi8(IMMM88MMWBaB8H i fleOOIOOflOOO I OOO I

250 •

W

lll88WII8IWI^^

III

SELF-PARENTING

SOURCES FOR FURTHER STUDY As you have learned, you need to actually Self-Parent your Inner Child.

It is

understanding).

knowledge

as therapy (Level

make

yourself feel better.

cises to heal fearful,

know that Self-Parenting exists You must also learn to use this

not enough to

One

(Level

Two and Three Understanding)

You can use

sorts,

loving, supporting,

feel

depressed,

You can use your daily half-hour up when you are really down through

or angry.

sessions to fix yourself

and nurturing your Inner

For further study in Self-Parenting, ing books. Each one in

its

I

Child.

recommend the

own way gives valuable

"Inner" process of Self-Parenting.

the

the Self-Parenting Exer-

and love yourself whenever you

out of

to

follow-

insight to the

By reading these

texts,

using

newfound awareness of your Inner Conversations, and

fol-

lowing through with consistent and positive Self-Parenting sessions,

you can work out your ideal Self-Parenting style and by it where it really counts, within your Inner

practice living

Conversations.

Reading these books

become more conscious

is

another

way for your Inner Parent to

of the unconscious methods you use to

These books must be read with the awareness of Self-Parenting within your Inner Conversations to have their greatest effect. Even if you have previously read one or more of these books you will want to read them again, calling to mind Self-Parent.

the principles of Self-Parenting. directed to this

My comments on each book are

understanding and are an unsolicited testimonial

to these authors. All of these

books are available

ordered through your local bookstore.

at

or can be

FINAL NOTES

P.E.T.

•

251

— Parent Effectiveness Training

Thomas Gordon. New York: New American Library, 1975 This book is a masterpiece of successful outer parenting methods. We all owe a debt to Thomas Gordon for making the concepts of outer parenting so easy to understand. Use the

methods of

active listening with

your Inner Child. The section

on the "twelve roadblocks" is especially enlightening as it shows ways that you, as the Inner Parent, can roadblock your Inner Child. This is the next book you must read (or the multiple

reread) to develop Self-Parenting

skills.

Your Inner Child of the Past Hugh Missildine, M.D. New York: Simon & Shuster, 1963 The first book I know of that discusses the "Inner Child"

in a

how

the

major way.

especially valuable as

It is

it

documents

type of parenting you received as an outer child creates the

response behavior style of your Inner Child.

Penelope Leach.

—

From Birth To Age Five New York: Viking Penguin Inc., 1977

Your Baby and Cliild

Another brilliant book about outer child rearing. While reading this

book

I

saw so many

applications of her

methods and

understanding of raising a baby/child to Self-Parenting

amazed. Use

this

I

was

book to develop your awareness as an Inner

Parent, especially in the areas of loving

and

spoiling, feeding,

everyday care, sleeping, and comforting your Inner Child. The pictures alone will trigger emotional responses from your Inner Child.

Inner Skiing Timothy Gallwey

& Bob

Kriegel.

New

York: Bantam Books,

1977 This book reflects a classic and intuitive understanding of Inner Conversation dynamics, Self

One

being the Inner Parent

2B2 •

and

SELF-PARENTING

Self

Two

being the Inner Child. Using practical examples

from sports, the authors demonstrate

how

a positive, under-

standing Inner Parent can consciously Self-Parent the Inner Child to achieve increased performance without destroying the relationship

between the two. Must reading. Also recommended books by the same authors.

are any other

Making Peace With Your Parents Harold Bloomfield, M.D.

An

excellent treatise

rental figures to facilitate

New York:

Ballantine Books, 1983

on reestablishing the bonds with paand enhance your own Self-Parenting.

Dr. Bloomfield covers a variety of concepts.

Feeling Good: The

New Mood Therapy

David D. Burns, M.D.

New York: New American Library,

1980

Another excellent text for the Inner Parent. Has many ex-

amples of helpful techniques to get the Inner Parent Inner Child's back. This book shows tions," or (Inner Parent)

how

off the

"Cognitive Distor-

erroneous thinking, can

make

life

mis-

erable for both Inner Selves.

Handbook to Higher Consciousness Ken Keyes. Coos

Bay, OR: Living Love Publications, 1975

This book, also a classic, should be read to educate your Inner Parent. Although the principles in this book are intellectually flawless,

they are most suited for stopping the specific type

of mental negativity the Inner Parent creates. In

my

opinion

"The Methods" do not translate well towards the emotional concepts of loving, supporting, and nurturing the Inner Child within your Inner Conversations. In other words, use "The

Methods" described

in the

book

to educate your Inner Parent,

not overpower or invalidate the emotions of your Inner Child.

FINAL NOTES

Wishcraft:

•

How to Get What You Really Want

Barbara Sher.

New York:

Possibly the most

Ballantine Books, 1979

helpful

book

I've

ever read!

An amazing

analysis of the step-by-step process for achieving anything

want

in

253

life.

you

Wishcraft combined with Self-Parenting presents

an unbeatable combination. No more excuses for not knowing what you want or not being able to get it. Self-ParentingunveWs the buried treasure of what you truly want and need, and Wishcraft provides the directions and the map. You do the rest. This book also demonstrates incredibly intuitive support for the needs of the Inner Child. Diets Don't

Work

Bob Schwartz. Oakland, CA: Breakthru Publishing, 1982 Many of you are struggling with diet problems that are symptomatic of deep and longstanding Inner Conflicts between your Inner Parent and Inner Child. Weight problems are an advanced issue of Self-Parenting. I wouldn't recommend tackling them until you have done your Self-Parenting sessions for at least three months, especially the self-esteem processes, and have read the other recommended books. When you do want to tackle them use Bob Schwartz's advanced understanding of dieting dynamics along with the principles of Self-Parenting and you will do well. Are You Hungry? Jane Hirschmann and Zela Zaphiropoulos. New York, NY: Random House 1982. The authors do a fantastic job of outlining a program called "self-demand eating" for outer parents to use with their children.

Through discovering your Inner Child and practicing Self-Parenting sessions, you can learn to trust your Inner Child's natural hunger by internalizing these eating guidelines. Use as a companion volume with Diets Don't Work,

aM

•

SELF-PARENTINC

FURTHER SOURCES OF PROFESSIONAL REFERRAL The harsher your outer parenting your Self-Parenting

will

as a child, the harsher

be as an Inner Parent. The most damag-

ing outer parenting by far seems to be that given to the children

of alcoholic parents.

The coping mechanisms and defense

pat-

by these children for survival are equivalent to those needed by concentration camp survivors. These emoterns required

and psychological issues are extremely deep and to overcome by oneself due to the nature of self-

tional patterns

very

difficult

denial

and self-isolation required

One

for survival

by the

victims.

out of three families in America currently reports alco-

hol abuse by a family member.

If

one, or especially both, of

your parents was consistently impaired during your childhood years by alcohol or other drugs,

it

is

recommended

that

you

seek intervention through a therapist or organization that expressly understands

and

is

trained to recognize the psychologi-

cal issues of the adult child of

these circumstances

is

an alcoholic. Self-Parenting under

simply too

difficult

and exhausting

to

undertake on your own.

People

who

have suffered severe outer parenting

will

have

trouble easily putting the concepts of Self-Parenting to practical use. If either of your parents

were heavy drinkers, you might not

even be aware that you've had this type of problem parenting due to the special nature of denial involved. Two books to help you understand these deeper issues of Self-Parenting are:

FINAL NOTES

•

A Book for Children of Alcoholics & Julie C. Bowden. Holmes Beach,

255

Guide to Recovery: Herbert

L.

Gravitz

FL:

Learning Publications, 1985

Adult Children of Alcoholics Janet Woititz. Deerfield, FL: Health Communications, 1983

Two

organizations that specialize in referring or assisting

those with problems concerning Children of Alcoholics are:

National Association for Children of Alcoholics 31706 Coast Highway. Suite 201 South Laguna,

CA 92677

(714) 499-3889

Adult Children of Alcoholics Central Service Board 2522 W. Sepulveda, Suite 200 Post Office Torrance,

Box 3216

CA

90505

(213) 534-1815

SELF-PARENTINa

aS6 •

CONCLUSION The

parent/child relationship

humanity. Each of us began

womb. Each

mother's

worse by parents circumstances. ing you

is

how you

of us

is

life

the primary relationship of

within the cocoon of our

was programmed

What your parents did

now

for better or for

that did the best they could given their set of

or didn't

What

of lesser consequence.

do while parentmatters today

is

perpetuate, within your Inner Conversations, the par-

enting dynamics they transferred to you.

The

relationship

dynamics discovered

sations are those that exist in

dynamics of these two

all

roles

in

your Inner Conver-

parent/child relationships.

The

must be manifested, each side seems obvious to

exhibiting their classic strengths. Perhaps this

you now. What may not be so obvious is how successful your life can become when you train yourself to become a better Inner Parent by consciously studying the successful methods of outer parenting.

Develop the perience.

ability to give yourself a

profound healing ex-

Have your Inner Parent cuddle your Inner Child when your Inner Child when he or she is under Use the awareness of your Inner Conversa-

crying. Soothe

it is

emotional tions

stress.

and the

Self-Parenting Exercises to give yourself a sense of

being nurtured and of meeting your

own needs

rather than

waiting for others to provide them. Ultimately you can heal yourself completely, I

hope

my

no matter how old

the

wounds may be. book has

sharing of the ideas contained in this

motivated and stimulated you to provide happiness, meaning.

FINAL NOTES

and

fulfillment for

You

will discover

power of these you;

we

257

both your Inner Parent and your Inner Child.

many

Inner Truths once the awareness and

Self-Parenting concepts have

are only

•

now

become

part of

beginning to understand their potential.

You have discovered the secret of your universe: within your Inner Conversations.

Self-Parenting

»>»x->»>>:w»»>x->»>:«»>:-:->»>x^>»>:«-»»>x-»:->>>K^^^^^

JOHN POLLARD

has

researched

and developed

consciousness growth concepts since 1969 and Self-Parenting

and resolving Inner

PARENTING™ Program the U.S. and

is

is

is

an expert on

Conflicts.

supported in major

cities

His

SELF-

throughout

the only one of its kind. Self-Parenting represents

a quantum leap in consciousness growth awareness and John's warm, personable, yet direct style has influenced thousands towards becoming healthier, saner human beings. In addition to his writing, John has made numerous radio, television, and conference appearances to promote the cause of Self-Parenting.

LINDA NUSBAtIM is a freelance painter, designer, and ilA graduate of the Otis Art Institute of Parson's School

lustrator.

of Design, she works on a variety of projects on both coasts,

in-

cluding interactive exhibits for children's museums, film storyboards, murals, and

her husband.

oil paintings.

She

lives in

Los Angeles with

Generic

Human Studies Publishing

Human Studies defines a new standard conhuman consciousness potential. To study human poten-

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%

Your Guide to SELF-PARENTING Are you tired of feeling

unhappy

Your Inner Conversations

are the constant

mental dialogue occurring inside your mind between the voices of your Inner Parent and your Inner Child. Everyone has Inner Convcr

angry lonely

sations!

bored

Self-Parenting

insecure

is

the

way

you, as the Inner

Parent, parent your Inner Child within your

depressed

"Inner" Conversations.

Your

afraid?

Wouldn't you rather be

happy excited positive

confident exhilarated carefree

content?

Self-Parenting style

is

based on

the

quality of parenting you received as a child. If your outer parenting as a child was ideal, congratulations! But, if your outer parenting was negative or less-than-ideal, then you need this book! By using the methods taught in SELFPARENTING, your Inner Parent can learn to positively love, support, and nurture your Inner Child. You can create a new, happy "childhood" once again!

SELF-PARENTING

be

major contribution to the ongoing awakening about the child within us. The techniques for talking to our Inner Child are far and away the most advanced technology we have up to this time. I wholeheartedly endorse this book." John Bradshaw Author, Bradshaw On. The Family znd Healing the Shame That Binds You "I

consider

to

a

"Adult Children of Alcoholics will benefit greatly by reading this book. At last, here is a step-by-step guide to improve your inner communication and your self-esteem. Healthy communication with others begins with healthy communication within yourself. My Inner Child loved it and

my Inner Parent recommends

it!"

Jan Lacy, M.A., M.F.C.C. Psychotherapist, Encino,

It's $9.95

never too

late to

CA

have a happy childhood! ISBN 0-942055-25-X