Requiem for a German past: a boyhood among the Nazis 9780299164102, 9780299164133, 9780299121846

Table of contents :
Frontmatter
Illustrations (page xi)
Preface (page xiii)
1. In My Father's House (page 3)
2. Discovering Social Class (page 27)
3. Wolfenbüttel's Große Schule (page 48)
4. Kristallnacht (page 67)
5. Boy Soldier (page 81)
6. Assignment East (page 101)
7. St. Mary's Tower (page 118)
8. The War at Home (page 128)
9. Etzel's Tale (page 141)
10. Death Enters (page 153)
11. The Choice (page 162)
12. Baptism by Fire (page 173)
13. In Battle (page 185)
14. Farewell to Arms (page 194)
15. Home (page 205)
16. The Search (page 215)
17. Requiem (page 222)
Appendix: Commencement Address, June 15, 1996 (page 231)

Citation preview

Requiem for a German Past

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Requiem

fora

German Past A Boyhood among the Nazis

Jurgen Herbst

THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN PRESS

The University of Wisconsin Press 1930 Monroe Street Madison, Wisconsin 53711

www.wisc.edu/wisconsinpress / 3 Henrietta Street London WC2E 8LU, England Copyright © 1999 The Board of Regents of the University of Wisconsin System All rights reserved

2453

Printed in the United States of America

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Herbst, Jurgen. Requiem for a German past: a boyhood among the nazis / Jurgen Herbst.

250 pp. cm.

ISBN 0-299-16410-1 (cloth: alk. paper) ISBN 0-299-12184-4 (pbk.: alk. paper)

1. Herbst, Jurgen—Childhood and youth. 2. Youth—Germany— Biography. 3. World War, 1939-1945— Personal narratives, German. 4. Germany — Social conditions— 1933-1945. 5. National socialism. I. Title.

DD247.H365A3 1999

940.54'8243—dc21 99-18490 The German poem, by Christian Morgenstern, and the English translation, by Max Knight, which appear on page 119, are taken from Christian Morgenstern'’s Galgenlieder (Gallows Songs). Translated by Max Knight (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1963). Copyright © 1963 by Max Knight. The German poem and the English translation are used by permission of Insel Verlag, Frankfurt, Germany, and the University of California Press, respectively.

To the memory of Felix Pollak

poet extraordinaire dearest of friends

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requiem: a solemn chant (as a dirge) for the repose of the dead Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary, 1973

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Contents

Illustrations xi Preface xili

1. In My Father’s House 3 2. Discovering Social Class 27

4. Kristallnacht 67 5. Boy Soldier 81 6. Assignment East 101 7. The St. Mary’s Tower 118 8. War at Home 128 9. Etzel’s Tale 141 10. Death Enters 153 3. Wolfenbtittel’s Grofve Schule 48

11. The Choice 162 12. Baptism by Fire 173

13. In Battle 185 14. Farewell to Arms 194 15. Home 205 16. The Search 215 17. Requiem 222

Appendix: Commencement Address, June 15, 1996 231

1X

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Illustrations The author and his mother, Christmas 1929 6

The author’s father at his desk at home 8 The author’s parents at home, 1937 14 The “protector” of the little girl, 1935 16

Beginning school 28 The author’s Jungzug standing at attention 87 Etzel and his boys 92 Camp Birkental 106 The author with his father in Radlin, Poland 113 The author wearing Uncle Gerhard’s steel helmet 18 Etzel’s Fahnlein marching on the Lange Herzogstrafse 94

Grandmother Alma and Grandfather Felix 120

Etzel 142 The Blucher flag 151 The author’s parents shortly after their wedding, 1925 122

Family portrait, 1935 126 The author and Etzel in an oil painting by Otto Bucher 130 Sketch of the author’s father 158

The author’s mother in Switzerland, 1948 224 The author in front of the Grofe Schule, Commencement 1996 230

XI

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Preface EARS AGO in Gino’s restaurant on Madison’s State Street, Felix

VY Pollak, that incomparable Vienna-born master of poetry and

prose in two languages,’ made me promise to write this book. Felix had read a German-language manuscript that I had composed in 1953. In it I had sought in novelistic form to come to terms with my past as a boy in the Germany of the 1930s and ’40s and thereby to free myself from the trauma and pain of those years. Felix insisted that one

day I return to that manuscript. Now, after an interval of two score and some years, I have done so. I have kept my promise. Requiem for a German Past gathers my recollections, the recollections of a boy who grew to manhood during what can be called only

the darkest, most hideous, time of his country. It is the story of my life among ordinary, decent people, among brave and fearful men and women, and among villains, cowards, and criminals. It is the story of

my life in a home full of loving care within a world that more and more began to order its affairs by a rigid, perverted concept of national

honor. It is a story of a friendship that drew its inspiration from the love of boys and their dedication to a military code of personal honor and loyalty, a friendship that was ready to endure scorn and deprivation and to risk personal well-being and life in the face of a brutal evil that demanded unquestioning allegiance. It is a soldier’s story of testing his courage and facing terror and death in battle. It is also a story of a father’s life of scholarship and of sacrifice to his country, and of a mother’s life of love that was destined to fade away in sadness, suffering, and death. It is a requiem for ideals that once promised personal fulfillment in devotion to people and country. And it is a requiem for loved ones and friends whose lives were extinguished in the disaster that ensued. 1. For Pollak’s bilingual poetry, see his Benefits of Doubt (1988) and Vom Nutzen des Zweifels (1989); for his prose, Lebenszeichen: Aphorismen und Marginalien (1992).

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As they appear here, these recollections incorporate excerpts from contemporary letters, diary entries, and passages from and adaptations of the original German manuscript. In these pages I neither attempt to analyze and explain, nor do I answer directly the questions that I know many readers will have. I never meant to prepare an apologia pro vita mea. Instead, I have tried to set forth, as best as I could, descriptions of the events, circumstances, ideas, and feelings that once shaped and were part of my life and, whenever I thought it was necessary or appropriate, to add reflections of a later day. I wrote this book primarily

for my children who grew up in a different world and who have a right to know where their father came from. I wanted to help them, if they desired to do so, to reconstruct and understand for themselves the world I lived in. If I have succeeded in this, they and the readers of this book will enter into a boy’s life that was propelled throughout by idealism and commitment to a tradition consisting of love of scholarship and poetry, loyalty to a Prussian conception of military leadership, and adherence to a Lutheran Protestant Christianity. They will experience for themselves how that tradition, inexorably and step by painful step, came into conflict with the demands of a brutal and evil ideology. This was a conflict we boys experienced in our own existence. For me it began on the day following Kristallnacht when I was ten years old, and it never disappeared, not even when the world I had lived in had collapsed in ruin and death around me. Though we boys were not often able to articulate it clearly, it was a conflict that we well knew and dreaded, and one that we intermittently, though unsuccessfully, tried to deny or escape. It was a conflict that assaulted us with questions and doubts until, in the final days of my life in Germany, it left me with nothing but despair and loathing. I do not want to overdramatize my story. As we boys lived our lives, day by day and week by week, they moved along in all the ordinariness of daily existence as ordinary lives unfold everywhere. Dramatic and traumatic events did not occur every day. When they did, they broke into and interrupted the ordinariness of everyday life, but then they were absorbed in the rhythm of our daily doings and became themselves ordinary parts of it. My story, therefore, is for much of the time a story of boys as they can be found everywhere, at any time; a story of boys who wanted to live life to the fullest and who, more often than not, succeeded in that desire. Despite all the terror and pain, ours was a rich life, a life of friendship and love, a life in which adults played only a minor role, and where our own adulthood began when we received our first comXiv

Preface

missions as youth leaders at age twelve or thirteen. It was then that we left childhood behind and became boy soldiers.

Our elders, parents and teachers, were worried and feared they would lose their children and pupils. Fathers were called to arms, left home, suffered and died or came home crippled; mothers spent hours each day searching for food and clothing or were assigned to war industries and canning factories; they grew sickly and worried, worried, wotried. So we, the boy soldiers, carried on by and for ourselves. We took responsibility for “our” boys, and we did not take that responsibility lightly. We understood it to be our duty, a duty that was part of the ordinariness of life and in which we found purpose and fulfillment, a duty out of which grew our loves and friendships. Did we leaders of boys leave our parents and teachers, or did our parents and teachers leave us? We could not have said. We would not have known. We never asked such questions. All we knew was that we had a task to perform. In a world governed by war and danger we had our boys to lead. In the midst of all the pain, the worry, and the fear around us, we were creating and upholding a world of boys, of honor, of pride, of loyalty, and, yes, of love. This boys’ world was what carried us through. It was, as we assumed, the “new time” that, as the Nazi song had it, would “march with us into the future.” Of course, there was no march into a new, shining future. The Nazi world the song had celebrated came crashing down on us, and we had simultaneously known and not known that it would happen. Those of us who still lived found out that it had been the teachings and the influence of parents and teachers, not the loudly proclaimed Nazi slogans of a better future, that had allowed us to survive and had kept us out of the hands of the masters of evil. Our parents and teachers had been present all along, though we did not always see or hear them. They had implanted their seeds in our souls while we were still children; had taught us of love, decency, and commitment, honor and loyalty, less so by words than by deeds. Our fathers and teachers, veterans all of the First World War, had talked and read to us of the soldierly life. They and our mothers had made sure we attended religious classes in church and school. As a result, no words impressed themselves more deeply on my memory than the Prussian “mehr sein als scheinen” (“substance over appearance”) and the Biblical “be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.”* In my case, the traditions of the German army and of Lutheran 2. Revelation 2: 10.

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Christianity remained my guide to nearly the end. The faithful soldier who cannot sacrifice to a criminal imposter the loyalty he had sworn to his people and God provided the model for the boy soldier who fought to the last day of the war. The intrepid Protestant whose conscience demands Luther’s “here I stand, I can do no other” was the redoubt I ‘had prepared for myself should I be confronted with the final choice. When the end finally came I could stay with neither the loyal soldier nor the conscience-bound Luther. Even these models of probity seemed to me fatally affected by the general collapse of all things German. I had arrived at my personal “zero hour”: the loss of my loved ones and the collapse of the ideals I had lived by. If there were to be a new beginning for me, I would have to learn

again how to draw strength from that which had been precious and noble in my past. If I were to take with me into another world my commitment to “mehr sein als scheinen” and my promise to remain “faithful unto death” then I should have to cherish and cling to the loves, friend-

ships, and memories of a lost youth beyond the ruins and graves of my German past. It was my mother who gently led me to that recognition. Her last gift and testament came to me through the pages of a thin, small book in which she had marked for me the words of a requiem: Mourning your dead, dear boy, is no good service for them. . .. Don’t turn us into ghosts. ... Allow us entrance that we may dwell and stay among you in dark and in joyful hours .. °

It was the requiem for all I had loved and the requiem for everything that had been noble and precious to me. It carried me into a new life in another world.

3. Walter Flex, Der Wanderer zwischen beiden Welten: Ein Kriegserlebnis (Munchen: C. H. Beck, n.d.), 94-95. For the full text of the requiem, see chapter 17.

Xvi

Requiem for a German Past

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J

In My Father’s House

HEN I THINK BACK to my childhood I see myself as an only

W child, accustomed from the beginning to play by myself in

my room with my toy soldiers. My mother usually was busy

in the kitchen or was reading a book in her sitting room. My father was away at work in the famous Duke August Library in Wolfenbiittel,

my home town. On weekends he stayed home studying and writing in what we called the Herrenzimmer, the gentleman’s study, which, in our apartment on the Harztorwall, served as our living room as well. I was used to my mother and my father working or reading by themselves alone. I thought everybody did that. So I never felt lonely or forsaken when I played by myself in my room. That was the natural way to spend one’s time. When my father was home on weekends he sat in our living room at his desk with books piled all around him. Sheets of white paper were everywhere, between pages and underneath the books. A shiny Continental portable typewriter stood in the middle. Every now and then, after much shuffling of papers and moving of books, he rattled on that machine for three to five minutes, slid its carriage back everytime it pinged a signal, and pulled sheets of paper out at the top whenever he had filled them with rows of letters. The typewriter intrigued me. Though I was forbidden to touch it, I did take it out of its carrying case sometimes when my father was in the library and my mother had gone shopping. I rolled a sheet of paper into it from the top, and pecked at some keys to type my name or some other short word. I kept an ear out for the creaking of the garden gate to close up the typewriter the minute I heard my mother come home. But I was proud of myself that I had been a writer, even if for only a few minutes.

3

In My Father's House

My mother, though, warned me that my father’s work as a scholar was important. I was not to disturb him and ask him to play with me or tell stories about the war. If I wanted to talk to my father, she said, I had to wait until he was ready. So I often sat on the floor, underneath the big living room table, surrounded by some of my toy soldiers and railroad cars, which I had brought from my room in the hope that I might entice my father to play with me. Most of the time he paid no attention to me. Sometimes, however, he would turn around in his chair and look down at me, and I, hoping to snare him, would ask him a question. He usually shook his head, said, “No, no, not now,” but then, a few minutes later, he would almost always look again, and I was ready.

I pretended there had been an accident on my railroad, a car had tipped over and spilled all the soldiers on the carpet. My father would get up from his desk, walk over, bend and sit down next to me on the rug. Then we fought battles, bombarded my toy soldiers with the pencil stubs my father used to carry in his vest pocket. We had trains collide and used a crane to set the cars back on the rails. That was great fun. I became very excited, so my father said that now the railroad workers had to take their lunch break and the soldiers had to pull back to rest, and we had to pause as well and wait for a while. When my mother then entered the room and saw us sitting on the floor, she smiled and shook her finger at my father. That was the signal for me to load my soldiers on the railroad cars and drive them across the hall into my playroom. I felt very happy.

Sometimes, instead of playing with my toy soldiers, my father would sit on the carpet with me and tell me of his life as a soldier during the Great War. He had joined up as a volunteer on the war’s first day when he was nineteen years old, and had come back home on its last day as a lieutenant. He had been wounded and had a big hole in his upper back which I could see when I watched him shave in the morning. The hole was big enough for me to place my hand in it, though I never did that. And every now and then he would leave us for a weekend to serve with the reserves. When he sat on the carpet with me and spoke of the war he told of being hungry and thirsty and dirty and lonely, and of the enemy shooting at him. I asked him whether he had not been afraid. He said no, a soldier was not afraid. A soldier had his comrades who stood by him and comforted him. He had his sweetheart to think of at night and songs to sing to her: Not I alone, did sing my song, Annemarie, 4

In My Father's House T’was all of us who sang your song, We of the company!

And my father would hum the refrain. It sounded very sad. It made me think of my mother, because her name was Annemarie too. It never occurred to me then that my father could not have known her during the war. But I imagined her in another song my father sang: In the rose garden I shall wait for you. When the clover is green, or the snow lies white?

To me as a six- or seven-year-old, this was my father, the soldier, the brave man who suffered and fought for his country and who loved his sweetheart whom he missed. I took in his words of comradeship, of loyalty, of bravery, and of love for people and country. It seemed to me if I, later in life, only could be like him, both a scholar and a soldier, I could not ask for more. I was very proud of him, the scholar and the soldier, the Gelehrte and the Soldat or, perhaps more exactly, the scholar—-soldier. To me as a boy there was no contradiction between

the two. I thought my father perfectly illustrated the combination. I was determined to follow in his footsteps. And so, early in my life, I began to think of a career among books and arms, scholars and warriors, among men who were quiet and studious, but also strong and brave. I thought of my future self as a man who took, combined, and preserved the best of his home, his family, and his country; a man who was, for his students and his soldiers, an inspiring model to follow. Today, three scores and some years later, I still think of my father as the scholar and the soldier, though I wonder whether he had chosen the life of the scholar-soldier or whether he was the scholar whose lot

it was to serve as a soldier in two wars, and lose his life in the second. I look at his portrait that hangs on the wall above my desk. It is drawn with colored pencils and shows the left side of my father’s face 1. As remember them, these were the German words: Nicht ich allein, habs so gemacht, Annemarie; Nein, alle haben Dein gedacht, die ganze Kompanie.

2. Im Rosengarten

will ich Dein erwarten Im griinen Klee, im weifsen Schnee.

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