Redirecting Children's Behavior [3 ed.] 1884734316, 1884734308

Citation preview

Family

STOP FlSHTS

^ J

J

Peaceful Parfnts ifer,

Kids

^

Guilt

Behavior m

Third EoiiiOH Children Learning

3

|

/f

Revised

Behavior Kathryn

KVOLS

j.

Third Edition

|

PARENTING PRESS, Seattle,

Washington

Revised

INC.

©

Copyright

1998 by Parenting Press,

Inc.

All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in

whole or

in part in any form.

First edition,

Second

1979

edition, 1993

Third edition, 1998 Edited by Carolyn J. Threadgill

Cover and Printed in

by Magrit Baurecht Design the United States of America text design

10 9

Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

Kvols,KathrynJ., 1952Redirecting children's behavior - -

3rd ed. p.

,

/

by Kathryn J. Kvols.

rev.

cm.

Rev. ed. of Redirecting children's misbehavior / Kathy Kvols-Riedler. cl979.

Bill

&

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 1-884734-31-6 ISBN 1-884734-30-8 1.

Child rearing.

2.

(library)

(pbk.)

Child psychology.

Redirecting children's misbehavior.

HQ772.K83 1998 649's

.

1-DC21

Parenting Press, Inc.

P.O.

Box 75267

Seattle,

Washington 98125

II.

I.

Riedler,

Bill.

Title.

97-37464

CIP

For our children

and

their children

"Lord,

me

make

an instrument

of thy peace."

—St. Francis of Assisi

flcknoiuledgnients

First

and foremost,

I

would

like to

thank

my family: my husband, my son Tyler,

Brian, for endless support, love, and gentle nudging;

who taught me what unconditional love means; Brianna, who helps me remember to be silly; Chloee, Amy, Emily, and Cindy Harper, who are teaching me what it means to be a blended family. Thank you, authored the

first

great father he

A

also, to

is

my former husband Bill Pdedler, who

edition of this book.

to

I

co-

especially appreciate the

our son Tyler.

very special thank you goes to

all

the instructors of the

who have encouraged and supported me for many years. Bob Hoekstra, Tim and Ann Jor"Redirecting Children's Behavior" course,

dan, are

Helen

Hall,

but a few

who

a great friend, as

I

Lucinda Hudgins, Lisa Lakner, and Carol Watson

me in this work. my confidante.

inspired

well as

acknowledge the

late

Betty

Towry

Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D.

has been

for being the

source of inspiration for Redirecting Children's Behavior.

Contents

Acknowledgments

4

Foreword

6

Why

Wrote This Book

7

1.

Take Care of Yourself

9

2.

Encourage Your Child

21

3.

Three Parenting

Styles

42

4.

Communication

in Families

59

5.

Which Way

to Responsibility?

74

6.

Why Do Children Misbehave?

86

7.

Discipline that Teaches Self-Control

I

8. Siblings:

9.

Putting

Appendix:

War or Peace?

143

All Together

153

It

Common Behaviors:

Ages 18 Months

Other Index

120

Interesting

158

to 18 Years

Books

168

170

foreuiord What we know and believe about children and families has changed dramatically in the

twent-five years. Parents, teachers, and

last

coaches recall the "good old days"

when you

something, and they jumped and did

could

tell

kids to

do

Kids today, on the other

it!

hand, are requesting respect and democracy, especially in the autocracies

The

which control

result

is

their

homes, classrooms, and

athletic fields.

confusion and power struggles with parents and pro-

fessionals and, often, If you step

we

don't

back and look

standing children,

it's

quarter of a century. 1970's, through the

know why we're

at

the progress we've

astonishing

was not

It

work of Dr.

struggling.

made

how far we've come until the late 1960's

T. Barry Brazelton

and

in under-

in the last

and

early

others, that

we became aware that infants could see, hear, feel, and actively contribute to their relationships

With

this finding,

of their

with

their parents.

How magnificent!

we began to view children, even at the beginning

lives, as participants in

the family process. Children have

become powerful, emphatic collaborators to be respected versus clay for us to mold and control. It's no wonder that many of us have experienced confusion and chaos.

So here

is

Kathryn Kvols's book.

offering us the tools

ior,

Redirecting Children's Behav-

we need to develop the closeness with our we want so very much. Kathryn believes,

children and families that as

I

do, that every person

is

born whole,

perfect,

everyone and everything. Through experiences parents, siblings,

and others,

that cause us to lose

we are

who

feel

way

that supports their

whole and

macy with

to

with

and wounded in ways

socialized

process for parenting so that

children in a

as children,

our awareness of the connections with others.

This book offers us the means to reconnect.

work and

and connected

free

It

we

provides the frame-

learn to relate with

development, creating adults

and able to experience closeness and

others.

-Timothy J. Jordan, M.D.

inti-

UJhy Children have the

moment v^e're

I

ability to

touch the very depths of our

tw^ofold: to help

you

at times, despair.

The purpose of this book

create a v^armer, closer relationship w^ith

your child that increases love and joy and to teach you new^ that help

you when you

One

souls.

and joy; the next moment, frustration

feeling love

and incompetence and, is

UJrote This Book

feel like

you

skills

can't cope.

People are becoming av^are that fear or force are ineffective tools to motivate others,

both in business and in our

often feel frustrated v^hen

we

don't

children push us against the wall.

know what

When we're

our two-year-old refuses to get in her car openly defy

us,

act according to

When we methods

that

we wonder how our values,

families.

else to

do

running

seat or

as

late

We our and

our teenagers

do no harm, and teach kids what they need to learn. to respond so

reach into our bag of tricks,

our parents used

when

we

as to

often

raising us, or

come up with

we

settle

on an

expedient solution. These responses often don't produce the results

we want. The suggestions years

on more than twenty of personal experience teaching courses on parenting, lectur-

ing, counseling,

in this

book

are based

and teaching kids in summer camps and school.

I

have heard thousands of parents, teachers, and counselors voice their concerns

my goal,

and

through

frustrations over the children in their care.

this

book and

the parent education

parents raise self-motivated and responsible children, to

win

ships,

I

It is

do, to help

who

are able

another's cooperation, create and maintain close relation-

and work successfully on teams.

Redirecting children's behavior

is

a

form of discipHne

parents raise children in a peaceful and respectful way;

and kind.

Its

goal

is

for the child to

that helps it is

assume responsibility for

firm

his or

become motivated from within rather than by external circumstances or events. The redirecting principle defines discipline as guidance and teaching, with an emphasis on mutual

her actions and to

8

Redirecting

respect. This a child's

Behavior

Children's

method

teaches natural and logical consequences for

misbehavior, instead of the use of punishment. As a result,

the child gains self-esteem and cooperation

Redirecting children's behavior creating

win/win

situations in

is

skills.

way of life.

a

which no one

is

It

focuses

on

the loser, not the

parent, the child, the teacher, the friend, nor the coach.

When chil-

dren sense that you aren't trying to control them, but are rather trying to

make both of you winners, they

are

more

respectful

and

cooperative. I

firmly believe that the family unit

country families,

ence for

less

all

is

the fabric of which this

woven. As we create more peace and harmony within our society will become more cooperative and experi-

is

violence and isolation. Together,

we can make a difference

children and for our world.

—Kathryn J. Kvols

Take Care of yourself

on the carpet. It's no big deal, but you really lose your temper this time. Why do you react so strongly now and not the our son has just

last

One

spilled his juice

time he spilled juice?

reason

we

parents

become

overwhelmed, depressed, or

sick

irritable, is

that

we

have not been doing a very good job of tak-

How long has it been you had thirty minutes by yourself to do whatever you wanted? Common answers I hear are, "I can't remember," or, "I don't

ing care of ourselves. since

have time to do that." Just before the airplane takes off, the stewardess instructs parents to place the oxy-

10

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

gen mask on themselves first in an emergency and then place a mask on their child. Notice the request: Put yours on first, then you will be able to help your child. All too often we satisfy the needs of our children and others before our own. As a result, our energy is depleted and we have nothing left to give, or we give with resentment and frustration. Even a minor problem challenges our depleted reserves.

Why don't parents

take care of themselves?

Some important

reasons are: •

We've been taught from an

early age that

it's

selfish to take

care of ourselves. •

We feel that taking quiet time

or

"down time"

is

not good

use of our time. •

We don't believe that we deserve time for ourselves alone.

•

We believe that we just don't have, or can't find,

•

We don't know how to take care of ourselves.

There

is

much

to gain

when we

take

good

the time.

care of ourselves.

We are: •

Refreshed and have more energy for our children.

•

More

confident and creative

prises

on

•

•

when our

children spring sur-

us.

Ready and eager

to

spend time with our

Teaching our children, by example,

families.

how to take care of them-

selves. •

Sending the message to them that

it is

not only okay but

important that they take care of themselves, they too are parents.

now and when

Redirecting

lUhat

makes

Children's

Behavior

II

taking care of

yourself a challenge? may be under a number of strains that make self-care a challenge. Some of these strains are self-imposed and some are reactions to what is going on around them. Look through the challenges I've Parents

listed to see

which describe your

situation.

Consider the sugges-

tions for relief

Burnout When you have no more energy for the demands life makes on you, you

suffer

from burnout. Look

for these

symptoms:

and crankiness

•

irritability

•

feeling rushed

•

accident prone

•

tired

•

overburdened

•

sick often

•

depressed

•

weepy

•

resentful

and overwhelmed

When you feel these signs, you need to self

We'll talk

more about how

to

do

take time out for your-

that later.

Negative thoughts The

negative thoughts that cause the most trouble are worry,

guilt,

fear,

resentment, and anger. These emotions sap our energy and

keep us from being

fully present

with our children.

Worry As

parents,

we

often waste energy worrying about a problem,

instead of trusting that

life

will

work

out. If you are worried, ask

yourself,

"What action can I

action and

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

12

Then take

take to solve this problem?"

go.

let

When my son,

we were

driving

up a winding

road through a large piece ofproperty purchasedfor our business.

The property

was run down and son looked at

Tyler,

was five years

old,

need of extensive repair before our opening day.

in

My

me and said, ''Mommy, what's thatface?'' This was the queswhen I appeared to be discouraged. 'T guess I'm

tion he always asked

worried, " I said. "Worried?

money. " Tyler

About what? " I answered,

replied reprovingly,

'Tm

''Mom, don't you know

worried about

life

works?

Fear Fear of mistakes paralyzes us and causes us to mistrust our

own

Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D. wrote wisely

The

capabilities.

in Children:

Challenge:

The importance of courage

in parents cannot be overemphasized.

ever you feel dismayed or find yourselves thinking,

wrong, " be quick

to

"My gosh,

Wlien-

I did

you need the "courage

to

be

and when you find them,

it

all

symptom of your own discouragement Watch for the little improvements, imperfect. "

recognize this

.

.

relax

.

.

.

.

and have faith

in

your ability

to

improve

further.

Guilt Guilt

is

completely ineffective

as a

behavior modifier.

your self-confidence and doesn't show you

how to

It

takes

away

avoid repeating

the same mistake. Instead of feeling guilty about an action, think

about what you will do differently next time. It

was

ing room.

the ninth time

Mom

had asked Sara

to

quit running in the liv-

She was getting very annoyed because Sara seemed

to

tune her

Mom spanked Sara and sent her to her room. If were to happen again. Mom decided she would ask Sara once to stop running in the living room. If she didn't. Mom would pick her up genout.

So

it

tly

and take her

to the family

room or

outside.

Redirecting

Behavior

Children's

13

Anger Anger dren.

you

is

an honest emotion. Most parents get angry

You want

at their chil-

manage your anger and have it work for you. Use these five steps to help you man-

to learn to

rather than against

age your anger positively.

Anger Management 1.

Watch for the early warning signs of anger. You may get tense somewhere in your body, such as your jaw or stomach, or your hands may start to perspire. These physical signs tell you that you need to take appropriate action.

2.

Acknowledge that you feel angry. deny your anger. Say

Take a break

3.

a

doesn't help to stuff or

to cool off

Count

to ten,

go to your room, take

walk, or otherwise remove yourself emotionally or physically

from the 4.

It

to yourself, "I feel angry."

situation.

After you have cooled off take action.

you her

feel less like a

take action,

life.

5. Tell the person

in

When you

victim and more like a person in control of

some

cases):

Unlikely

as

help solve

it

it.

what you* re angry about (might not be "I'm angry because the kitchen

is

a

possible

mess."

sounds, a simple statement of the problem can Start

with an "I" statement rather than

a

"you"

statement: attack the problem, not the person. Notice that there

is

no name-calling, blame, or exaggeration

in

your simple

statement of fact.

Resentment People or

feel resentful

when

they do

when they have given up something they want

more than

their share

of the work, or carry more

Children's

Redirecting

14

Behavior

than a reasonable load of responsibility. Learn to stick up for your-

"No" more

Say

self

often and get the help

The day^s Determine what

A fatherfound

it

where three children,

stresses

of your day are the most

parts

to counteract the toll

on you. Here

extremely stressful

are to

By

frame of mind

to

stressful.

some parent

go

directly from

Take

steps

solutions:

work

to his

home

under the age of six, greeted him. So he made an

all

agreement with hisfamily that he would go

came home.

you need.

the time he got

to the

gym and work out before he

home, he was more relaxed and

in a better

be with his wife and children.

c A

mother of a three-year- old decided that the morning was her most

stressfull time.

often late to

She had a

horrible struggle trying to dress her daughter

work. She decided

to

and was

get her daughter dressed for preschool the

night before. This solved her problem.

c A

mother of a five-year-old realized she was most stressed when run-

ning errands immediately after picking up her daughterfrom preschool. The time was pure torture because her daughter would whine andfuss, refuse out of the to

car,

and then

take her daughter

to

refuse to

a park

this for a

to get

The mother decided

and play with herforfifteen minutes

ning her errands. After doing

had become more

get back in the car to go!

before run-

week, she reported that her daughter

cooperative once she got her mother'sfull attention for a brief

time.

Indecision

When you may take

are

wishy-washy about what you want, your children

advantage of your indecision. This experience was an eye-

opener for me: was

/ couldn't figure out

why

certainly old enough.

He

to nurse.

I workedfull time

Tyler wasn't sleeping through the night.

would wake me up

in the middle

He

of the night

and I was exhausted. One night I asked

myself.

^^What might I be doing

to

when

I was alone with

really

enjoyed our quiet

I decided

to

at that

to

15

get up in the middle of the

hour was the only time in the day

him without thinking of anything else. Part of me time and he obviously looked forward to it, too.

continue for the next thirty days with our midnight ren-

dezvous, and then I also cleared

encourage Tyler

him

night?'' I realized nursing

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

to train

Tyler

to sleep

my schedule over the

through the night.

At

same

the

time,

next month so I had more time with Tyler

during the day. After thirty days, Tyler ^'magically'' started sleeping through the night.

Our

children read our intentions. So, if you have a problem

with your children, get clear about what you want to have happen.

Your children will

sense your clarity of mind as well as your deter-

mination to change the situation.

Lack of confidence Many

parents hold beliefs that interfere with their ability to be

effective.

Concern

that

our children always

to set appropriate limits pressures: "Well,

and be firm.

right,

all

I'll

like us

it

difficult

We tend to give in to kids'

buy you the toy

Self-doubt also gets you into trouble

makes

when

if you stop

crying."

children challenge or

threaten your control.

The desire

to

be indispensable interferes with our desire to

self-reliant children. us,

At

first,

we

are truly indispensable.

our child would not survive. However,

older,

we

often do too

a role in their lives

confront us

much

for

it is

to

Without

children are

them, either out of desire to have

or to avoid the

more

difficult challenges that

as adults. It is easier for us to

tying shoes and getting children started

than

when our

raise

succeed in the tasks of

on time

in the

morning

work on our own dreams.

The belief that you must be in control will cause problems when your children threaten or challenge your need for control (as they inevitably will if this is your belief). Whenever you try to make your child do something, you're very gle

on your hands. As we turn more

likely to

responsibilities over to

have a power strug-

our children,

it's

easy

16

to feel as if we have

been

However, our

tion.

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

fired, or at least sent

task as parents

We must allow our children to

job.

to

is

work

a

long vaca-

ourselves out of that

experience the successes and

them self-confidence and

failures that teach

away on

self-reliance as they

grow.

Lack of self-reflection Many parenting problems need

ents

are caused

by personal

issues that par-

to take care of, rather than their children's misbehavior.

Parents need to practice parenting "from the inside out," so to speak.

My children have taught me much about how to play, love

let go of grudges, and find joy in must have known these things in my own childhood, but have allowed the pressures of adulthood to bury them.

unconditionally, handle anger,

each day.

I

I

my children as my barometer to measure my inner peace.

use

Usually they misbehave

when I'm

myself (self-reflection) to see what

not

is

at

peace.

amiss.

been working too hard, haven't taken time spent

enough time with is

childhoods.

when my

his

I

recall

Sometimes

self-reflection, that their

upset.

What

I

I

own

figured out was that

behavior brought back painful memories of

quently,

find I've

son started normal exploration of his

was concerned and

exploration and

I

for myself, or haven't

bringing up unresolved issues from their

children's behavior

I

check in with

my family.

At other times parents may find, upon

sexuality,

I

my own parents'

my

childhood

intense shaming of me.

Conse-

overreacted to Tyler's normal, healthy exploration.

Have you noticed how a small child gets angry, lets off steam, and then goes on his way? Some of us learned to stuff our anger inside instead. Unacknowledged anger can lead to depression, illness, and resentment. It can surface later on as retaliation toward others.

When we

have learned to stuff anger,

inappropriately to events and issues in our adult tions are especially likely to

we

often respond

lives.

These

situa-

provoke overreaction: children fighting,

anyone being angry or crying, poor grades, unfinished chores, money and eating issues. When you have trouble with any of these situations,

look back to your childhood family and think about

how

Redirecting

17

with them. What did you learn that may be getnow? What do you want your children to learn from the way

your parents ting in

Behavior

Children's

dealt

the situation that will be healthier for them?

Houj to cope ujith the challenges hard to

It is

live a joyful life

responsibility for filling it

for you.

up

when your cup

that

almost empty. Take

is

cup and demand less of others

Taking responsibility

for

your

own

keep you from self-destructive behavior, such

to

fill

happiness will also as

drug addiction,

over-eating, complaining, alcoholism, smoking, insufficient exer-

and

cise,

illness.

Use calming

self-talk

One way to make your life more positive is to get rid of discouragI do this by repeating as many times as necessary the phrase, "I am unlimited in power, peace, and love." In time, I find ing thoughts.

that

I

with

have chased away the negative thoughts and replaced them

this positive

one.

Elephants on parade in India would pull other mischievous things with their trunks

Their trainers discovered that to carry, the animals

were

if they

as

down

poles and do

they marched along.

gave the elephants short poles

less disruptive.

Like the elephant's pole,

the repetitive, encouraging phrase can keep your

mind from wan-

dering into mischief

Let go Another way

you

to get rid

of negative thoughts

is

to let go.

this,

give a situation your best effort and then let go of the result.

You can't control the result, and the more detached you the

To do

more

peaceful you will be. Letting go

or your child's innate wisdom, even

dence of it!

means you

when

there

is

are

trust

no

from it,

your

own

visible evi-

Let go ful;

when you

when you

don't want

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

18

are angry, worried, feeling guilty or resent-

are trying to force

to do;

and when you

someone

are

to

do something they

tempted to nag, remind, or res-

cue inappropriately.

The best way to let go is to do something to calm down and relax. Remove yourself from the situation so that you can reflect on it from a distance. Take a walk or a soothing bath. Meditate. Read a book that inspires you. From the shelter of a calm outlook, we can usually find a peaceful way to handle a situation. Some people confuse indifference or not caring with letting go. For example,

after several verbal

sheer frustration, party then.

you

I

you

say in a resigned tone, "

don't care." This

care deeply

bouts with your teenager, out of

is

not letting go!

what the outcome

will be.

Oh, go on

to the

When you let go,

You

simply

know you

have done your best and you have decided to trust that things will

work

out.

My son was having a hard time learning to him. I created one learning

tool after another.

tell

time. I decided to help

I coached

and coaxed

were both exhausted. Nothing I did worked. Finally, I decided

until

we

to let go.

I

comforted myself with the thought that surely by the time he was thirty years

he would be able

old,

to tell time.

A few months later my son askedfor a watch for his birthday. enting gods smiled on read

up

it.

my

me and I

refrained from saying,

The par-

'^Why? You can't

Instead, I bought the watch. Later in the week, I

was due

to

pick

son at 3:15 p.m. I arrived at 3:17 p.m. and was greeted with,

''You're later'

Make One way

I

things happen

take care of myself is to figure out

happen and then

to

make it happen. This leads

confidence. There was a time

when

I

what

I

want

to have

to an increase in self-

couldn't figure out what

I

wanted because I was too concerned about being liked. If my husband asked what movie Fd like to see, Fd respond by asking him what he'd Hke to see. With my children and in other relationships, I

now ask myself, "What do I want to

see

happen in

this situation?"

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

my child asks to go to the movie on a Sunday afternoon, I ask myself, "What do want?" Do want family time or do I need time by myself or time alone with my husband? Once I know, then negotiate accordingly with my child. For example,

if

I

I

I

Lead a balanced

life

Pay attention to these seven areas of life and keep them in balance so that

you

one

area,

It is

feel alive it

and

satisfied. If you aren't successful

may have an

adverse affect

on other

areas.

or fulfilled in

They

are:

•

spiritual

•

physical

•

education; learning

•

financial

•

career; vocation

•

recreation; relaxation

•

social (family

Make

and

friends, etc.)

commitment to improve the balance where necessary. For example, if you get no exercise (a common physical problem for many of us), commit to a way of exercise that is a

enjoyable for you. If your finances are in disarray, take a class in

budgeting.

Nurture yourself important for every parent to have

at least thirty

minutes each

commitment, and determination. The opportunities are not always obvious. Here are some of my ideas for time alone; add your own day to restore energy. Finding time for yourself takes creativity,

and take time for renewal: •

Get up

earlier or

go to bed

later

than everyone else in your

household. •

Use your lunch hour

for time alone—walking, thinking,

reading, meditating, or dreaming. •

Hire

a

baby

sitter,

friend, for a couple •

or swap baby sitting with a relative or

of hours.

Alternate time off with your partner, so that you both benefit.

19

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

In addition to time alone, parents need to do things that give

pleasure and nurture them, just as they do

Do things for yourself that make you feel better. get

you •

add your

started;

own

to the

These

ideas

might

that relax you.

Music

list:

Take bubble baths or long, hot showers

and candlelight can be delightful additions and

raise

it

to the experience

above the ordinary.

•

Take walks,

•

Get

•

Listen to relaxing music or motivational tapes.

•

Meditate.

•

Sit

•

Write in your journal, putting

especially in the rain or snow.

massage.

a professional

or

them

this for their children.

work

in the garden.

down both

the pleasant and

unpleasant events of the day. •

A it

to

Play a musical instrument or draw or paint or build.

me how

impossible

alone. I told her I understood; however, I

wanted her

mother of three children under the age offive

wasfor her to get away

commit

to finding

to class the following

some way

to

told

take care of herself

When

week, she looked great. Everyone wanted

she came hack to

know what

she had done.

She

told us,

"1 used

since the kids were horn.

to love

ting out of control. I just

commitment and frustrations

and I

sat

playing the piano, hut I haven't played

The day

down

it

wanted

it

rained last week, things were really getto

scream.

at the piano. It

Then

I rememhered

was amazing! I worked out

my my

noticed that the kids got calmer, too.

The most important

thing that

I

can

tell

you

is

to take care of

yourself If you take time for yourself, you will be ready for the constant

demands

about to learn from rally

on you. Everything you are and come more natuenergy to make changes.

that parenting places this

book will

because you will have the

feel easier

Encourage your Child

hen children full

are Httle, they are

of confidence; they believe

they can do anything; they have unlimited potential. If you were to ask a ners,

group of kindergart-

"How many

of you believe you

could be a great doctor,

scientist,

or Pres-

ident of the United States?" most hands

would go up quickly and

self-assuredly.

But, ask that question of

a

group of

teenagers and fewer than half will raise their hands.

By

the time

we

are adults,

most of us have long since forgotten or given up our dreams. What happened? Imagine your child's

spirit as a

brightly

22

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

glowing flame that dances and grows with each piece of fuel you feed

it.

result?

Now, imagine someone pouring sand on the flame. The Depending on how much sand and the speed at which it is

poured, the flame fades or goes out.

We dampen

by nagging, yelling, spanking, being overprotective or controlling, and using threats, guilt, shame, or punishment to correct misbehavior. Every day you have hundreds of opportunities to kindle a child's spirit, rather than dampen it. Encouragement is the way to keep your child's spirit burning brightly. Let's talk about the most important ways to do this. or put out a child's flame

Honor your

children to be different from

they

are.

Everywhere

•

Don't be

•

Be

•

Stop crying.

I

go

I

unique self

child's

Parents tend to spend a great deal

who

(spirit)

more time they are

mold their than honoring them as

hear phrases such

trying to

as these:

silly.

quiet.

•

Shame on you.

•

You're so noisy.

•

You're bad.

•

Don't be

•

You're being

•

You're just

•

Why can't you be like

There

is

sad. selfish.

like

.

.

.

.

.

.

many an unhappy

adult

who

is still

doing (or not

doing) something because of his or her parents' influence through

such small criticisms that leave lasting impressions. Respect and

honor your

when

child's uniqueness. Parent

each can fully express

who

they

and child

are.

live best

together

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

23

Give unconditional love Our

children need unconditional love from their parents. There

is

no greater encouragement for a child. This love doesn't depend on some performance. It is given simply because a child is, no more and no less. There is nothing he or she has to do, no standard or parent's dream to live up to, no good grades or clean room required, to earn unconditional love. How many adults do you know who strive for love through "doing" and piling up accomplishments? These individuals probably did not experience unconditional love

as children.

Unconditional love

who

is

essential in raising self-confident children

love themselves, others, and the world in

Only by giving our

which they

live.

children unconditional love are they free to be

the best they can be and eventually able to encourage others to be their best.

Believe in your child

An important aspect of unconditional love outlook.

respond to them. out

if your beliefs

the labels the child,

few

I

belief in your child.

when it is poshow we Sometimes we're not aware of our beliefs. To find

Encouraging words and actions flow from itive in

is

Our

beliefs

this faith

about our children shape

about your child are positive or negative, look

at

you apply (sometimes unconsciously) to him. Sadly for labels are more often negative than positive. Here are a

hear;

add your

•

stupid

•

terrible

• •

own

to the

list:

•

two

hyper

•

teenager

lazy

•

forgetful

shy

•

brat

Labels put children in boxes that are hard to climb out of

because they limit potential. Sometimes labels are excuses,

also, to

continue on in the same unproductive behavior. At other times.

24

R

E

D

R E C T

I

I

N

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

G

they might seem positive ("pretty" or "genius"), but still limit a child because of our mental associations with the terms. If you

have just realized

how you

failing to believe in her potential,

are limiting

throw out the

your child by and open

labels

let your "lazy" son become coopera"pretty princess" learn how to do your Help

your mind. Look for ways to tive

and

active.

practical things that allow her to

be independent. Change the label

and your expectation. Your child will respond

Support your

positively.

dreams

child's

Help your child develop her natural abilities, out of which her hopes and dreams are most likely to come. Find out what her dreams and aspirations are and support her to

fulfill

Remem-

them.

from you and your belief in her has great Sometimes we expect children to fulfill our dreams through their actions. This is a terrible burden for a child: she is put in the precarious position of wanting to please you and wanting to fulfill her own dreams. When the two desires are incompatible, the scene is set for strife between you. When you help children fulfill their dreams, you teach them they can accomplish what is important to them. This faith helps them maintain a healthy attitude about life. Many teenagers and

ber that she influence

is

different

on how she

adults have given

up

meaning and may be

sees herself.

their dreams.

As

a result, their lives

and dream

for

ing.

natural abil-

spirit,

himself

Dad wanted his son The son wanted

son reluctantly went

less

dull.

This father failed to honor his son's unique ity,

have

to

to

be a dentist, a profession that provided a secure liv-

to he

a musician instead. After a

dental school.

would put dental terminology

to

The

lot

of coercion, the

other students loved

music and play

it

him

on the piano

to

because he help every-

one memorize before exams. After he completed his degree, he gave his diploma

For

to his father

and

left for

this son, pleasing

Nashville

Dad was

to

pursue a career in music.

important, and fortunately he

up

didn't give

had

much

a

his

own

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

Dad and he would

dream. However,

better relationship if Dad

25

have

had more readily accepted

his son's interest in music.

Parents can support their children's dreams in various ways,

according to their emotional and material resources. Here

who

on

did so

A

teenager

who

father,

also

a

grand

is

a

had a dream ofplaying hockey

in the

Olympic Games. His

had a passion for hockey, bought a skating rink

so that the

family could combine making a living and supporting the son's dream. hired a coach,

who

developed a hockey team for his son

to

who was

the child in his studies.

He did not

Dad

ofpushing

Dad concentrated on helping himfeel successful in ath-

ignore his son's studies, but he focused on

and encouraged him

did well

attitude,

not doing very well academically.

noticed, however, that his son excelled in gymnastics. So, instead

letics.

Dad

play on.

You can honor your child's dream by changing your easier for many of us than buying a skating rink.

A father had a son

dad

scale:

to

what

the child

pursue his dream.

Show that you believe in your child and support her by going to her school events and teacher conferences, other activities and by recognizing effort.

Many adults

all

recitals,

areas into

games, and

which she puts

complain that their parents were so busy work-

ing that they never had time to pay attention to the important events in their children's

lives.

Be

careful not to let

your

child's

growing years slip by without encouraging her every chance you get. Keep that flame glowing.

Genuine Encounter moments (GEIIIS) Dorothy Briggs, author o{Your Child's Self-Esteem, describes a genuine encounter moment as focused attention. Such attention carries a special intensity born of direct, personal involvement with your child. "Many parents are with their children physically, but mentally their focus is elsewhere. Togetherness without genuine encounter

is

not togetherness

at all,"

she writes.

26

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

When your child comes to you to tell you something, you have choices: 1) ignore her, 2) pretend to listen, or 3) listen attentively.

When you listen attentively, you

are having a

Genuine Encounter

100% of your attention; you're not think-

Moment. Your child gets

ing about what to have for dinner or the argument with your spouse.

GEM's work best when you

are at the child's level, look-

ing directly into her eyes, touching her, and trying to feel what she's feeling.

GEM's are

not times for lectures or advice or lessons.

are times for heart to heart,

They

not head to head, communication.

humanly possible for every conversation with your child to be a GEM. However, if you can arrange to have several GEM's each day, you'll see a marked improvement in your relationship. The National Family Institute reports that "the average child in America receives only 12.5 minutes per day in communication It isn't

with

his parents.

Of that

time, 8.5 minutes are spent with the par-

ent in correcting, criticizing, or arguing. This leaves only 4 minutes

per day for the instruction of values, morals, ethics, attitudes, and self-esteem."

GEM's for,

help your child feel acknowledged, important, cared

and valuable.

have

little

need

When

to use

children get this kind of attention, they

misbehavior in order to get attention.

Teach your child to use positive self-talk is the voice inside your head that tells you how you're The messages you give your children at a young age often become their self-talk as they grow. Encouragement results in pos-

Self-talk

doing.

itive self-talk

and high self-esteem.

Many adults have a great deal of trouble getting rid of negative self-talk heard when they were children. Your aim is to replace selftalk like "I can't," "I don't know how," "I'm shy," and so on with "I can," "I will learn," "I

can talk to one person," and other posi-

Redirecting

tive,

Children's

Behavior

27

hopeful messages in the child's mind.

Be

what messages you give your child and be aware of how he might interpret what you say. For example, one mother frequently and lovingly called her youngest child "baby." Later, she found out the term made her child feel small and powerless, definitely not what she had intended! Check it out with your child by ?" asking, "How do you feel when I say careful

.

.

.

Your tone of voice also influences how your child receives your message. Keep a light, nonjudgmental tone to your voice. Children feel demeaned when you use baby talk. Use big words and let them ask you what they mean. Talk as if you were talking to one of your adult

friends.

Speak respectfully, which helps your child feel

important and competent.

Honor your

child's intentions

When

you speak to her about misbehavior, include words that show you understand what her true intention is. For example, if

you might say, "You're hurting the cat. I know that is not what you intend because you're usually loving to him. Is there something you want to talk about?" If you say,

your daughter pesters the

cat,

"Stop hurting the cat," her behavior a new victim

or continue in

is

likely to

be directed toward

some other way.

Usually children misbehave unconsciously. their mistake to their attention in a loving

look ting

at their

When you bring

way and

behavior and decide what to do about

hung up on discouraging

self-talk

("I'm bad.").

tone, they can it

without get-

28

Redirecting

Behavior

Children's

Promote internal motivation Emphasize the joy of doing instead of out doing. Help your child focus on how she feels about her good grades, rather than wondering about what someone else will think of them. Say, "It looks like

you really like to learn," or "That must make you want her good feehng to come from within her. If a child feels she

is

okay only

as

long

as

feel

she has

good."

someone

You

else's

approval, she develops the idea that other people's opinions are

more important than her own. This becomes

subject to peer pressure,

belief will backfire

when

she

and it makes her an easy target for

inappropriate sexual activity, drugs, gangs, and physical abuse.

Express affection

A major human need is for physical contact with others. Without

it,

Showing your love for your child through powerful way to offer encouragement. Let your entire body express the positive feelings you have for your child. Hold a smaU child on your lap to read or talk or just be. Stoop children

fail

to thrive.

physical expression

is

a

down to your child's level and look at her. Move close to her. Don't yell at her from across the room or the yard. Put your arm around her or on her shoulder. If she's a pre-teen or teenager

want much physical contact, your shoulder. Smile

at

sit

who

doesn't

near her or allow her to lean over

her to show her you accept and appreciate

These suggestions might seem unnecessary, but it's amazing time we take to do these simple things that offer encouragement and can turn a child around.

her.

how little

Respect your chiWs boundaries

Some parents are confused about appropriate expression of physical affection, especially now with so many reports about sexual abuse in

Redirecting

the news.

It is

The guideHnes

Behavior

29

are the following:

•

Do

•

Respects

•

Does not cause bad

•

Is

only that which

him

Children's

is

appropriate for your child's age,

or her,

and

feelings,

acceptable to the child.

very important for children's growth and self-esteem to respect

their physical

and emotional boundaries.

these boundaries, children

do not learn

people treat them.

They may

strangers, to people

wanting sexual

to take advantage girls,

find

it

When adults don't respect to put limits

on how other "No!" to

difficult to say

favors, or to others

of them in some way. Boys are

though we hear more often about abuse

as

who

wish

vulnerable

as

to girls.

Boundary invasions include the following: •

Entering an older child's bathroom or bedroom without

knocking and asking permission •

Forcing affection that the child doesn't want (including kisses

and hugs from

relatives)

room without permission

•

Cleaning up an older

•

Forcing food on a child

•

Forcing medicine on a child

•

Borrowing money or possessions without permission

•

Telling the child's confidences to others without permission

child's

(including the other parent) •

•

Making

the child

Continuing to

tell

private thoughts or give information

tickle or

roughhouse when the child wants

to stop •

Reading an older permission

child's mail, diary, or class papers

without

Even when

it is

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

30

some

necessary for a child's health and safety to do

room, or read something,

things, such as give medicine, enter a

v^e

can do so respectfully and give advance notice.

Sometimes parents unwittingly disrespect

when

cially

the child

a

boundary, espe-

young.

is

Three-year-oldJames was out vjith his parents and needed clothes.

private.

only

He

didn't

His dad

want people

tried to talk

Luckily,

three.

Dad

to see

him hut

there

to

was no place

him out of his need for privacy

realized that he

was undermining

been teaching his son about personal safety.

change his

He provided a

that

was

since he

was

the lessons he'd

large towel

behind

which James could change.

C A woman remembers when she broke her leg as a child and the doctors cut off her jeans and underpants in order

explaining she

recalls

It

why

a signal

leg.

They

acted without

To

this

day

violated she felt.

to tell if a child

being tickled or kissed.

we use

work on her

or asking her permission to take off her clothes.

how scared and

may be hard

tion, like

to

to indicate

is

really

enjoying physical affec-

My children and

I

have developed

when we've had enough. When the tick-

led person says, "Please stop," the tickler does so immediately.

We

respect one another's physical and emotional boundaries. Chil-

dren

feel

empowered when

adults

and other children respect

their

boundaries.

Order and Routine The

establishment of order and routine in your

home

develops a

sense of security for your children. Routines give the child

someThink of how unsafe and insecure we adults would feel ifjust one thing in our daily lives changed-we could drive on either side of the road whenever we felt like it. It's important for children to know, to some degree, what they can expect, too. They need this stability as a springboard for confidence. Chilthing he can count on.

Redirecting

dren the

who

last

Children's

Behavior

31

don't have order and routine are too often reeHng from

thing that happened to them.

They

stand httle chance of

developing a strong foundation of self-confidence.

Bedtime seems to be a particularly difficult time for most parand one that can go much more smoothly with a routine. Everyone is usually tired and stressed by the end of the day, which ents

only makes matters worse. tine can

I

have chosen to demonstrate

how rou-

be established, in general, through use of bedtime

as

the

specific example.

Time for bed Mom.

''Zachary, time for bed, " announces yelps, ''It's

''No!" two-year-old Zachary

running toward the playroom. Motherfollows time for bed, honey.

Zachary, as Mother swoops down his back arches,

and he

close behind, pleading,

C'mon, now." "No, Mommy, no!" to

pick

him

Zachary 's body

up.

squeals stiffens,

begins wildly kicking his feet in order to free himself of

her tightening grip.

"Stop

it!

You're going

get her struggling child

to bed,

NOW!" Mother declares,

Zachary begins

to bed.

to cry

determined

to

loudly as Mother, as

pulls off his clothesfor his bath. This emotional

and

physical power struggle continues through bath, pajamas, tooth brushing,

and

exasperated as she can

be,

abruptly ends with a token goodnight

kiss.

Exhausted and frustrated. Mother sags down peace and quiet, only angrily takes

me

sets

him on

his bed

the stairs hoping for

drink.

Good

the stairs after

some

Me go potty!" Mother trip to the

and says through clenched

hear another peep out of you.

Mother stomps down is left

"Mommy,

Zachary a glass of water and makes a quick

with him. She let

to hear,

bathroom

teeth,

"Don't

night!"

slamming Zachary 's

door.

Zachary

huddled on his bed, crying into his pillow, and Motherfeels guilty and

frustrated.

Now, look

at this

same scene through Zachary' s

of our myopic, parental viewpoint, understand

how our child

sees

we

eyes.

Because

miss the opportunity to

it.

Imagine that you are in the middle of a good book and your spouse says, "It's time for bed." In spite of your response, "No,

32

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

I'm not ready just yet," he (or she) helps you unwilhngly up the stairs, your clothes are removed, and you're forced to take a bath.

how you

Consider

feel.

Do you

feel disrespected, violated, angry,

You may be thinking, "Yes, but a two-year-old doesn't way it's not the same, he's not an adult. Besides, I'm the

or controlled? feel this

parent." True, the child

with

He's

feelings.

at

is

not yet an adult. However, he

is

a person,

an important growth stage: he wants inde-

pendence and is experimenting with how to have his choices be known and honored. Many times, going to bed is not the issue; he may be tired and ready for bed. Yet the parent's command makes him feel controlled. Don't we the same

adults feel that way, too,

way?

happens to

As Mother continues

us.

when we

are

"commanded"

in

We naturally want control over ourselves and what to

overpower Zachary, he

feels

unloved and rejected.

Bedtime can be children.

a special

time for closeness between parents and

natural for us to desire closeness or connectedness

It is

before going to sleep. Often, however, parents have overburdened

themselves during the day. They're eager to get the child in bed

soon

The

as possible so

child

him."

is

as

they can have some quiet time for themselves.

likely to feel that his parents are trying to "get rid

of

Our children show that they haven't had enough closeness by

repeatedly

demanding drinks and potty

breaks.

What does your child really want? • • • •

To To To To

declare his feel close

feel a sense

feel

of control over what happens to him

respected and heard

How can you, needs and

independence or sense of self

or connected with his parents

still

have

Respect your

as a parent, give

him go

own

to

your child what he wants and

bed in

a timely

manner?

needs. Take care of yourself during the day

so that you're not feeHng hassled

and frazzled

time. Set your child's bedtime for an

hour

at

your

child's

that allows

bed-

you some

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

33

solitude or "couple time" with your partner after your child

is

tucked into bed and has gone to sleep.

Whenever possible, have both parents be a part of the bedtime Bedtime is more fun and less of a burden v^hen both parents

ritual.

participate.

your bedtime

Start

your

child's actual

ritual forty-five

bedtime hour

struggle. This process should be a

words, eliminate

roughhousing or Respect

activities that

unnecessary

stress

and

winding down time. In other

would

excite the child, such as

tickling.

his sense

of time by

teen minutes, allowing his actual

minutes to one hour before

to avoid

him

to

telling

him

that

bedtime

complete a particular

is

in fif-

activity before

bedtime hour.

Offer choices instead of orders. Your child will have a feeling

of control over what happens to him

For example, you might

with your bath or me?"

when you

give

him

choices.

"Do you want your dad to help you "Do you want to sleep with your gorilla

say,

or,

or your kitty?"

Create a bedtime ritual with your child's help and advice. For

example, read kisses,

a story,

snuggle, say a prayer, give a

hug and two

and leave the room singing a song. The routine needs

a quality

to have of sameness - the same order or the same song for young

children—in order to provide a sense of security.

"Remember when," "Remember when we went camping and that raccoon got our food stash?" or, "I remember when you were a little baby

Create closeness. For example, talk about

such into

as,

and loved to have your

tummy

rubbed." These conversations

set

the stage for peaceful sleep without bad dreams.

Say three things that you love about each other. Start each statement with, "What I love about you is ... " and complete it with a specific thing you love. You might say, "What I love about you is the way your singing can lift my spirits." Ask the following questions which allow your child to share more about himself, "What was the best thing that happened to you today?" and "What was the worst thing that happened today?"

34

R

E

D

I

R E C T

Some

I

children

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

N G

may

talk

more

with the

freely

lights out.

Try

to

most encourages your child to communicate with you. After you have completed your bedtime routine, leave your child's room. Explain once when you start this new bedtime roudiscover what

come out of your room

tine, "If you

emergency,

I

will not talk to

room

any reason other than

you

after saying

I

good night and closing your bed-

door."

It's

important that you do not talk to your child

time routine

you

for

will lovingly guide or carry you back to your room.

are

is

more

power

room

struggle.

You may

several times, particu-

larly at the

beginning because children will

However,

the

ant for both

bed-

complete. If you continue to talk with your child,

likely to get into a verbal

have to guide your child back to his

as

after the

test their parents.

week progresses, bedtime will become more pleas-

you and your

child.

You can make bedtime a time of nurturing, closeness, shared communication, and fun. By involving your children in the decision-making process and spending will feel valued

When

this special

time with them, they

and respected.

you have order and routine, your

child feels secure

because he learns he can depend on certain events consistently occurring.

Filter

One

of our jobs

your

as a

parent

overwhelm our children. ical

experiences

child's is

to filter out experiences that

Among these are abuse of any kind, phys-

danger, or experiences simply too

and stage of development. However,

we

would

complex it is

for the child's level

equally important that

allow challenging experiences into our child's

these he learns to be self-confident.

The more

life.

Through

often a child copes

successfully with challenges, the greater his self-confidence skills

grow.

and

Redirecting

The

and

the

old MeUssa

Her mother thoughtfully maximize her daughter's learning.

reasonable one.

a

the outcomes of each to

filters

day of her departure for her grandparents' house, twelve-year-

left

Mom happened

her plane ticket on the dresser in her bedroom.

laying there.

to see it

35

child in this story faces both an unreasonable experience

for her age

On

Behavior

Children's

She

considered the idea of saying nothing, hut she felt

this natural

consequence of a missed plane would he too disappointing for

Melissa. So

Mom picked up

the ticket

and handed

to

it

Melissa without

saying anything. Melissa sheepishly took the ticket and placed dashboard of the

As

car.

Mom noticed that Melissa had again Mom realized they were early and would

they walked into the airport,

forgotten the ticket.

have time

to

said nothing.

my

Iforgot

At

this point.

deal with the natural consequence of the forgotten ticket, so she

Halfway

to the ticket counter,

ticket again!''

car keys to Melissa,

who

Without

ran back

critical

and

Melissa gasped, ^'Oh,

words or looks.

Mistakes are

a fact

of life;

we

all

make them,

often.

Mom handed the

cause

him

to cover

child

Take advantage

When your child

of this readily available source of encouragement. a mistake, don't scold

my gosh,

retrieved her ticket from the car.

Use mistakes to encourage your

makes

on the

it

him. His fear of your disapproval will

up mistakes,

lie,

or blame others for his actions.

He may also become fearful of taking risks in life. It's

okay

to

make mistakes—few of them are fatal—and we learn a

great deal about

gestions

that

what to do differently next minimize the mistake

encouragement of your 1.

time.

Here are five sugand maximize

itself

child.

Emphasize what the child can do next time. Too much concern with what has already happened only encourages excuses and defensiveness from your child. Help your child figure out a

what

new skill if he

to

do

differently the next time

needs one.

and teach him

"

36

R

E

D

I

R E C T

I

N G

How could you

the milk next time?

2.

"

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

Mistakes happen.

"

hold the carton so you won't

spill

"

Separate the deed from the doer. Reassure your child that

you love

her, but that you're unwilling to accept misbehavior.

'7 love you and I don't like what you're doing right now. 3.

Give your child another chance. This shows your you have faith in his ability to improve. ^^You

made a mess while eating

not eat there today, hut 4.

in thefamily

you can

Sometimes

do. Usually

when

and then ask the child

to

adults

tell a

You may

child

child.

what

Many

show them what they want

do the same. Pay attention

child's preferred learning style.

learning styles each time

we

both parent and

this frustrates

children learn best

yesterday.

try again tomorrow.

Show your child what to to do.

room

child

Try

to use

all

you teach a new skill:

to

your

three major

visual (seeing),

auditory (listening), and kinesthetic (doing, hands-on).

'Watch how I pour

the cereal into the bowl,

milk slowly. See? That 5.

way you

Ask questions. Ask

don't

spill

and then how I pour

the

any.

questions that encourage your child to

on his own. Ask in a loving, accepting voice, "What did you learn from that? What will you do differently ?" Your child will learn next time? What would happen if more when he thinks of his own solutions than when he lisfigure things out

.

tens to yours. This

.

.

especially true

of teenagers. Questions

guide children in a way that prevents

them from failing. Con-

is

sequently, their feelings of self-reliance increase.

We don't enjoy seeing children fail, offer

them every

doubt about

so our natural incHnation

possible help they

their abihty to

is

to

might need. They sense our

complete things "correctly" without

our help. Seek the balance between doing everything for your child

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

37

on the one hand and letting him suffer repeated failure on the other. Your goal is to encourage him to solve problems himself and to seek help

when he

needs

it.

Teach children

to repair

mistakes

Children need to learn to take responsibility for their mistakes. is

important for them to learn

how to make amends

It

for a mistake

harms someone or someone's property. Parents can teach by modeling the behavior and by asking questions. If you bump into a car in the parking lot and the owner is not around to demand repair of the mistake, you can bet that your children will take note that

of whether you leave your name and telephone number or whether you escape as quickly as possible, hoping no one noticed.

A father allowed his children spots ofpaint

might do all the

to

on the handles of his

to repair their

handles

mistake.

use his tools

tools.

The

to

do a project.

They got

The father asked them what

kids asked their

dad

they

if they could paint

silver.

C A child went home after school with a friend without calling her mother first to let her

know where

she'd

daughter and couldn't find

made her mother

her.

drive out of her

he.

Mother went

The daughter way by

to

school to pick

up her

decided that since she had

not calling her

and had taken up

Mother's time unnecessarily, she would do one of her mother's chores

to

make up for her error. It is

important that the person

who makes

the mistake deter-

mine how to make up for it. What is decided has to be acceptable to the person who was inconvenienced. Your goal is for your child to learn to think about repairing mistakes on her own. She may need your help to remember if she is young or the skill is new to her.

38

R

D

E

I

R E C T

I

CHILDREN'S

N 6

Common Parents ior

fail

who

to

BEHAVIOR

parent misbehaviors

use these methods to control their children's behav-

encourage their children to be

all

they can be.

Check

off

any you use and work consciously to throw them out of your parenting tool box.

Hassle over minor issues Choose only the most important issues to work on so you don't overwhelm your child. Keep the work lighthearted, if possible.

My husband likes a tidy house. After meeting with great resistancefrom of us, he came up with a delightful way

the rest

night before bed

puts on

When

we all pick upfor ten

lively music,

the timer goes

and we off,

we

all

stop.

minutes.

to

get our cooperation.

Every

My husband sets the timer and

dash around picking as much as we can.

We celebrate

what we accomplished.

Humiliation This technique might get the behavior you wish

at

moment,

the

but you lay the groundwork for vengeance and mistrust. cially

harmful when you use

it

It is

in front of your child's friends.

espe-

Avoid

saying things like, "If you don't stop wetting your pants, I'm going

make you wear a diaper to school!" or, "You're never on time. TeU your friends to go home and get in the house right now." to

Criticism

The

average child receives 432 negative

32 positive ones. Scary thought,

isn't it?

Respond to your child encouraged. Give him constructive

approval.

comments per day versus

in a

Avoid criticism and

dis-

him

feel

way

that helps

messages.

A school principal requires that teachers send five children

to his office

for good behavior before they can send one for misbehavior. His policy has

changed the way his teachers think about their students.

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

39

Overuse of ''No'' and ''Don't'' It's

Many

discouraging for children to hear these two words often.

we

them over things that don't really matter. Children will respond more cooperatively if you tell them two things they can do instead. Say, "Walls are not for coloring on. You may color on this paper or on the sidewalk behind the house." Or, "Yes, I'll times

take

you

say

to the mall as

soon

as

you've done your chores."

Comparison/competition Comparison of one person to

Com-

to another breeds competition.

and makes each

petition pits person against person

be better than the other. This

is

he has

feel like

a hopeless situation because there

who can do something better than another. The child who is taught cooperation instead of competition

will always

be one

will be happiest

and have the

versatility to survive in

our world.

person who must always try to prove himself will never be

at

A

peace.

Overprotection

When parents overprotect children, is

they send the message that

dangerous and children can't handle

it.

Children need suitable

opportunities to struggle with figuring out challenges they face.

confidence in their

Through

to deal

with the and gain

abilities to take care

infections

in for him, as his said, '7 think

As

and had

mother always

how

struggling, they learn skills

/ invited a friend's eight-year-old son

had chronic ear

to

to go

of themselves.

swimming with my son. Todd

use earplugs.

did. I

you can figure out how

He asked me

to

put them

smiled and touched his shoulder and

to

do

it.

he whined and complained, I stood silent. Finally, he began

gle with the ear plugs. After dropping them, putting

and so

on, he at last succeeded.

life

them

to strug-

in upside

down,

The pride he obviouslyfelt was a wonder to seel

Failure to parent with the end in

mind

Parents have the responsibility to prepare their children for adult-

"

hood.

Some

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

40

techniques, such as overpowering children, looking for

the expedient solution that solves a problem in the short run but

time or having too

to help the child learn, giving insufficient

fails little

patience cause problems for children that they must deal with

As you parent your child, ask yourself, "What will my from this discipline? Will it help him develop charac-

in adulthood.

child learn teristics

he needs

as

an adult?"

Failure to learn from our children

We expect our children to learn from us, because we are the adults. However, there

is

no reason why parents can't learn from their chilopen mind and really observe what

dren, too, once they keep an

do

their children

well.

Mom said to seven-year-old Judy, your room when you're mad.

When

^'It's

how you go

really neat

into

you come hack out, you're ready

to

Mom strangely and said, "Yeah, Mom. later. Mom and Dad were having a huge fight. Judy cautiously approached Mom and said, "Sometimes when I'm mad, I go to "Judy looked

talk.

A

my

''

at

couple of weeks

room and think happy thoughts. Then

it's

not so bad

when

Mom and Dad caught each other's eyes and grinned sheepishly. fighting,

and both thought of a

different

way

to

I come out.

They stopped

handle angry situations.

Use encouragement genuinely Children can

tell if

their parents'

phony. Insincere encouragement

"Does what alter

I

say

encouragement is

manipulative.

An known

yourself,

empower my child or is it an attempt to control or Do I say this to get my child to be the way I want

who

she already is?"

elementary teacher once called Rudolf Dreikurs , psychiatrist, into her classroom.

She began

to

Dreikurs about a child'spoor handwriting, in front of the

on

genuine or

her behavior?

her to be or to honor

mess.

is

Ask

Have you

this

ever seen such horrible penmanship?

M.D.,

child.

You

the well-

complain

"Look

to

Dr.

at this

can't read a thing

whole paper!"

Dr. Dreikurs studied the paper and then smiled at the

child.

"I don't

Redirecting

know

.

.

.

that's a pretty nicely

shaped 'O' right

at the only legible letter on the page.

motivation for the child criticism

had

to

41

he said, pointing

there,

His encouraging comment provided

his penmanship,

work on

Behavior

Children's

whereas

the

all the teacher's

not.

When you

what he or she has done well—be it the went into the activity, regardless of the result—you're using a very effective teaching method. On the other hand, when you try to motivate a child with critical or discouraging words, she's likely to give up or become defensive. Hold in the front of your mind your goal for your child: an adult end

tell a

child

result or simply the effort that

who is healthy,

self-confident, self-reliant,

and cooperative.

The Family Encouragement Feast An encouragement feast meetings, in the

car,

can be held

at

the dinner table, family

or spontaneously anywhere, anytime. This

is

way to focus on what you love about each other. At first, you may feel awkward if you're not accustomed to complimenting a

one another in your family. That's okay. Practice will get you over that self-consciousness.

you

will

Begin by putting or

at

The pleasure you

see

on the

faces

around

keep you practicing. a

family

member

the head of the table, or in

her or his hands. Instruct each

middle of a

circle

spot of honor.

Hold

in the

some other

member of the

family to

say,

I love about you is When each person has had a turn, honored person says what he or she loves about himself or herself and then chooses the next family member to be in the

"What

.

.

."

the

place of honor. This continues until each person has had a turn.

The closeness and warm, ily game ever!

positive feelings

make

this the best

fam-

Three Parenting Styles

0 parents use one of three

most common

parenting styles

or,

perhaps, a blend of two or three. It is

helpful here to define these

three styles so that

mine what form of most

often,

we

can deter-

discipline

and decide

if

we

use

we wish to con-

method or exchange it for sorhething more effective and encourag-

tinue with that

ing to our child.

The parenting

refer to are autocratic

styles

I

(sometimes called

authoritarian), permissive,

and democratic.

Redirecting

Behavior

Children's

43

flutocratic parenting Jason's report card has is

aD on

it.

His dad sees

it

and

'Wo

yells,

son of mine

Now get

going togetD's on his report card! You're groundedfor two weeks.

in your

room and study!

''

Autocratic parents view children and situations

wrong. They use force

as the

bad or

as

disciphne tool to manipulate their

child to do what they want. Force includes

guilt, threats,

punish-

ment, grounding, spanking, sarcasm, criticism, intimidation, humiliation, withdrawal of love, diate safety), bribes,

(or anyone)

dampen

commands

and other attempts

do something against

the child's

spirit,

(not related to

to control or

their will. All

self-esteem,

make

imme-

children

of these methods

and self-confidence.

Force, or coercive power, motivates through fear instead of

makes children feel they are not "good enough." A remind you of times when you have felt of coercive power in your adult life—you understand how

love. Fear

moment's the effect

destructive

reflection will

it

can be.

Fear used

as a

motivator causes children to protect themselves

by lying and blaming others. Fear leads to competition, fighting, separation from others, and hostility. Fear of punishment also causes children to give up who they are to become what someone else wants them to be or to rebel against what someone else wants. The child's behavior is controlled by an outside source (parent, teacher), rather than by the child's own sense of what is right or wrong. Punishment doesn't develop self-responsibility in a child, nor does it show him how to develop his own moral standards. Instead, children often try to "get away with" misbehavior. Illusion of effectiveness Coercive force ior

you object

may immediately cause your child to to;

however,

technique "works" for the

its

effectiveness

is

stop the behav-

only an

illusion.

moment, but doesn't promote

ing you wish to see in the long run.

The

the learn-

44

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

When you use punishment, the child either becomes compliant or resistant and revengeful. After being punished, a child often focuses

on getting even

v^ith

you

any other authority figure),

(or

rather than thinking about the consequences of his inappropriate

behavior and what he learned from his behavior. Children usually

respond to coercion in an equally coercive manner by sulking, being uncooperative, picking on younger siblings or pets, getting

bad grades

at school,

away from home, and "forgetting" reactions

is

as

long

to such behavior stressful,

as

is

we

to

do

chores.

children are creative.

more

As

The list of negative

parents,

one response

coercion, resulting in revengeful, hostile,

blaming, uncooperative, disrespectful behavior from our

children. Everyone's self-concept

and

own property or yours, running

destroying his

a lack of respect

is

could edit out of our

much tension We say and do things we wish

damaged; there

and cooperation.

is

lives.

Obedience versus responsibility

A confusion many parents have is the distinction between obedience and responsibility. On rare occasions, children must be obedient for their own safety. A small child must stop at the curb, away from the hot stove, or stay back from a body of water. Beyond issues of safety, it is more important that children learn to get

be responsible to the demands of the situation than obedient to an authority figure.

By

this statement,

I

mean

that children

need

to

learn to think about situations and use their reasoning ability to arrive at the best course ity,

brainstorming

of action. This takes problem-solving

(creativity),

and awareness of feelings.

demand blind obedience from your child, you

abil-

If you

are limiting her abil-

how to act responsibly. who use force do so mostly because that's how they themselves were parented. Other parents use it when they are anxious about some stress in their own life: a conflict with a spouse or at work, too little time for themselves, or illness. There are many ity to learn

Parents

possible reasons. If a child defies

more powerless, and

you

at

such

a time,

you

feel

even

the quick fix of a swat or grounding seems

Redirecting

Behavior

Children's

45

the right way. Yet other parents use force because they beHeve chil-

dren must be "taught learn

in

them

to

Am

•

Do

with yourself the next time you punish your child

Ask yourself these

force.

•

I

angry, do

want

I

I

Do

I

want

want

my child

ter person, or b) •

or punished in order for

new ways of behaving.

Check with

a lesson"

questions:

do

to hurt back,

I

feel

powerless?

do what I ask in order get him to obey me?

to control

to

to a) be a bet-

my child, or would I rather teach him to

control himself? •

Am

•

What do I want my child

to learn right

•

How can

want him

I

using fear or love to motivate

I

teach what

I

my child? now?

to learn

without using

force (being coercive)?

Someday

in the future, the use of spanking

force as discipline will be as archaic as

vote or black people being forced to

and other physical

women not being allowed to

sit

in the back of the bus.

46

R

E

D

R E C T

I

N G

I

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

Reasons for avoiding physical force to discipline children (Adapted from Spare 1.

Use of physical

the

Rod by

Phil E.

Quinn)

force (corporal punishment) says fear, pain,

intimidation, and violence are acceptable

methods of resolv-

ing conflicts between people, no matter what their age. 2.

Physical force

is

unnecessary. There are

disciplinary alternatives

no 3.

risk or

harm

which

are

more

many nonviolent effective

and pose

to children.

Physical force confuses discipline with punishment. Discipline is

used to teach, while punishment is used for purposes of con-

and retribution. Young children do not commit crimes punishment. Their mistakes call for discipline,

trol

that require that 4.

is,

teaching

more

appropriate response.

Physical force inhibits better

problem

solving. People

who

means of communication and it make little effort to learn

use

nonviolent ways. 5.

Physical force confuses love and violence. Children get the

impression that violence can be an expression of love. True love 6.

is

expressed in

healthier, nonviolent ways.

Physical force only controls the

not address and, in 7.

much

Physical force

sometimes cal,

is

fact,

symptom of a problem.

It

does

makes worse the cause of the problem.

dangerous.

It

results in death. It

can escalate into battering and is

very likely to result in physi-

mental, spiritual, or emotional harm.

8.

Research has shown that physical force increases aggressiveness in children and contributes to vandalism in schools and on the streets. Violence leads to more violence.

9.

Physical force reduces a child's abiHty to concentrate, it

making

harder for her to learn.

your child a right to equal protection under the law-a right guaranteed to all citizens in the United States in Section I of the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

10. Physical force denies

Redirecting

Behavior

Children's

47

Rewards Dad sees toaB,

the

D on Jason's report

ril give you

He says,

''If you

bring that grade up

$10.00."

Love given only

as a

bribe children to get backfire.

card.

reward and material rewards used to

them

to

Rewards can be just

behave in as

a certain

way

bait or

invariably

controlling as punishment. Chil-

dren who receive rewards are also dependent on the parent or some other authority figure for the will to accomplish a task. cess

of rewards must be judged by whether or not there

The

is

suc-

a lasting

on the child's behavior. However, rewards, in and of themselves, do not change behavior. Many parents are confused about this. As with punishment, if the person giving the reward is not around, the child has no motivation internally to behave as you want her to. Another problem is that the rewards may need to get bigger or better in order for them to change short-term behavior. effect

Material rewards change the reason your child does something

and the attitude with which he does

it.

If you ask

your child

to

do

things with a reward attached to the request, your child begins to

more and better rewards. He does not develop self-satisfaction, which ultimately should become the guiding force behind effort. Rewards can interfere with the development of a sense of selfworth. Children may interpret being rewarded to mean they don't need to do anything until there is something in it for them. We know that we often feel the most worthwhile when we do something for someone else and expect nothing in return. Our culture, though, emphasizes things as the source of good feeling, and children are influenced by this emphasis. There is more to life than "What's in it for me?" In fact, developing a feeling of self- worth is essential to good mental health. True giving is enormously good for the human soul. If you rely on rewards to teach children how you want them to behave, you deny them the opportunity to learn to focus

on how

to get

an inner sense of accomplishment and

act

from an

internal source of motivation

and strength.

Perhaps you recall the incident in which people were outraged

48

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

at a gas station attendant.

On the street in front of the gas station, a

man's car caught on

Flames engulfed the dashboard. The dri-

fire.

ver was frantically trying to put the fire out with his coat. station attendant arrived said to the driver,

on

The

gas

the scene with a fire extinguisher and

'Tor twenty

dollars

I'll

let

you use

my fire extin-

guisher."

The

point

I

to make is that you want your child to behave many reasons other than what material goods she

wish

appropriately for

expects to receive as a result.

it

Most people in our society work for a reward—a paycheck. Were many adults would not do the work they

not for that paycheck,

do. For too many, the paycheck

is

the only incentive they have for

going to their jobs. The paycheck does allow them to support themselves and their families, and therefore

may be

seen to have

good than just material things. It is a well-known who do work that gives them satisfaction beyond the money they receive are happier, healthier, and

value for a higher fact,

however, that people

more productive than those who don't like the work they do. That's because satisfying work gives a person a feeling of self- worth and internal satisfaction-the attributes

we

parents wish to develop

in our children.

Permissive parenting Jason shows

Dad the D on

do better next time. If rewards

his report card.

Dad says,

''It's

and punishments aren't the ways

dren, does that

okay, Son. You'll

''

mean we should

Should we make no

let

effort to teach

to discipline chil-

them do whatever they wish? them how to behave and be

responsible?

Permissive parenting

form of not caring about a or where she is, or what time

take the

who her friends are, home, or giving in when the

child's grades, or

she gets

may

situation calls for firmness.

Permissiveness makes the child feel like you don't care, even

when

Redirecting

Behavior

Children's

49

you do, and, as a result, she may seek care and concern from other people. There are many teenage girls who are so hungry for affection that they end up pregnant. What they want, even though they seem to want you to think otherwise from their rebellion, is obvious guidance, limits, and affection. Being permissive and indulgent with children causes them to disrespect the parents

and

also themselves.

away

When you own

allow your

child to take advantage of you,

it

Children really do not

be permitted to misbehave. Some-

like to

tears

at

her

self-esteem.

we parents are permissive because we don't want to deal with our child do what he wants, we avoid conflict at moment, but in the long run we create a bigger problem and

times

conflict. If we let

that

we'll have to deal

with

it later.

Permissive parents also do not teach their children the they need to tunities for

live a fulfilled life.

Children's mistakes provide oppor-

many lessons on how

these mistakes go unnoticed or

skills

to

do things

differently. If you let

do not deal with them

deprive your child of valuable information. Such disregard not be your intention, but

The

it is

may

the effect of permissive parenting.

recorded message from the high school told

year-old daughterJessica

you

directly,

Mom

had missedfive days ofschool.

that her fifteen-

When Mom quizzed

Jessica about this message, her daughter told her that the student taking atten-

dance had made a mistake; there was no problem. this because

Some her

mom

was

relieved to hear class.

time laterJessica seemed tired and grouchy most of the time.

questioned her about her health, Jessica assured

studying a

lot

and was just

tired.

Mom felt uneasy,

daughter the message that she didn't trust

Over

time, Jessica

The

calls from the

tive.

Mom

she couldn't imagine smart, responsible Jessica skipping

became

her, so

Mom

When

that she

but didn't want

was

to give

her

she said nothing more.

rebellious, uncooperative,

and argumenta-

school automated messenger became more frequent,

thoughJessica's grades were

still

B's. Life at

home was

very unpleasant, with

Mom alternately asking what was going on or thinking the problems would disappear her

mom

some

when Jessica outgrew

that she

time.

Then one day Jessica told been going to school much for

this ^^stage. "

was pregnant and had not

"

50

Children's

Redirecting

This mother has set clear

Hmits and

Behavior

permissive parenting approach (she does not

a

avoid conflict). She

strives to

is

not effective or

enough in investigating the facts behind Jessica's symptoms. Even though she loves her daughter, she fails to be the strong,

assertive

involved parent this child needs in her teen years.

Democratic parentino Jason shows

Dad the D on

Dad asks, "How do youfeel about

his report card.

theD?'' '^Not so good, " repUes Jason.

"Yeah, grade

I'll bet

that

was discouraging. " [Pause] "What would you

Dad asks

to be?''

inquisitively.

"They 're

"I hate fractions, " pouts Jason.

"How can

I help? "

like that

offers

stupid!

Dad.

"I don 't know, "Jason responds hopelessly.

"How about ifI help you build?

That

will give

build that skate board

ramp you 've been wanting

to

you some practice with those tough fractions, "proposes

Dad.

"Wow, when

You can

can

see right

effort initially. tic

power.

It

to unite or

we get

started?" questions Jason.

away

that democratic parenting takes

does not judge a child

bond with your

power you seek

wrong or bad, but allows you Through the use of authentic

as

child.

to understand rather than judge, to love

When parents

uncondi-

make sure everyone use authentic power, they empower others.

tionally, to build positive self-concepts,

wins.

more

Democratic parenting is based on the use of authen-

and

to

They motivate children by paying attention to feelings, needs, and desires. They help children develop control from inside themselves, maintained by the child's own set of internalized values. The child learns self-responsibility

and behaves in ways that he

feels are right

for him. Children learn to listen quietly for inner guidance.

authentic

power also

teaches children that they are their

of happiness. Children parented in

this

Use of

own source

way experience

closeness.

"

Redirecting

is

a

major part of democratic parenting.

by you,

child does not feel respected to

Behavior

your attempts to win

it's

The

his cooperation.

way

best

If your

unlikely that he'll respond

Respect from your child

can no longer be demanded or expected in our present time,

be earned.

51

and awareness.

respect, cooperation, joy,

Mutual respect

Children's

to get children to respect

your

it

must

rights

is

to

respect theirs. For instance, if you

want your child to knock on your door before entering your bedroom, then show him respect by knocking before entering his room. It

takes careful thought to parent in a democratic way, as this

story demonstrates: I drove four tiring hours Tyler had driven

down

before

my stepdaughters. My husband and son As I drove up, my husband

to visit

me

to

meet the girls.

and one of his daughters were getting out of the van, on

They

I hugged them both and asked, ''Wliere's Tyler?'' in the van. I

^^Why

went

did you

van

to the

give

to

him a hug,

their

too,

me

told

house.

he was

and was greeted

to

still

with,

hold you and love you. " Tyler

said despondently, ''Yeah, they don't like me; I hate

''When you're

to the

hug herfirst?

I said, ^'Sounds like you need someone

here,

way

at

home, you get Brian

you not only have

to

share

all to yourself.

him but

it

it

here. " I affirmed,

But when you come

also feels like the girls don't like

you. Sometimes Ifeel that way, too. " Tyler was

somewhat

relieved that he

wasn't alone, "You do?" he asked. I asked,

"Why

do you think they

may

have a hard time accepting us?"

Tyler responded, "Because they might feel like "Probably, " I agreed, as I held

moments and then

Consider coercive force aged).

I

said,

how (as

him

"Okay,

closely.

let's

this story

this

know you were

still

Tyler says, "I don't want

"Tyler, get your shoes on

and

you can't make me!" Tyler

Now, hurry

let's

asserts.

arms for a few

go, " I

if I

had used

way:

hug me first?" demands

in the van.

my

when I'm not feeling encour-

answer

sternly.

in

go inside."

sometimes happens

didn't you

take their daddy away.

might have turned out

might have responded in

"Why

we

He stayed

to

Tyler.

"Because I didn't

up, we've got to go inside, " I

go

in.

demand.

They

"Vm

don't like me."

not going

in,

and

Exasperated, I say, "Fine, just stay in

52

the van! It is

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

Vm ^oing in, " leaving both of usfeeUng angry and unloved. so easy to use coercive force because that's

were parented. Yet, it seldom gives us the seeking in our relationships.

how most

satisfaction that

of us

we're

all

How to become a democratic parent Here tic

are

some

tips to

help you convert coercive force into authen-

power: 1.

When in issue.

doubt about what

Admit

you

you

it's

Ask yourself, handled

4.

He

is

is

not going to

and cooperation.

not "bad" and has not done some-

simply

is,

just like

you

are.

When you

not because you're bad or wrong, but because

need met. Give your child the same needs that you want for yours.

aren't getting a

respect for his 3.

desire: closeness

your child

thing "wrong." misbehave,

back off Don't force the

to yourself that coercive force

get the results 2. Realize that

to do,

Use

"How would

a situation like this

I

have liked

one when

I

my parent

to have

was young?"

the positive alternatives to coercive force that are dis-

cussed in this book. Brainstorm solutions with your spouse or

co-workers.

watch 5.

Keep

and

trying.

Attend parenting ticipate in

classes,

read personal growth books, or par-

some type of counseling

toward loving yourself, your in your 7.

discipline their children

Try one positive alternative and acknowledge yourself if you were successful with your child. If you fail to get the result you want, ask yourself what you would do differently next time.

6.

Watch other parents

their children's reactions.

life

child,

so that

you can move

your spouse, and others

unconditionally.

Do not discourage yourself if you don't succeed in parenting

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

53

new way immediately. Most of us need practice before we can change our ways. Some things are easy to do right in a

away, and self,

some

take a lot of practice. If you discourage your-

you're likely to give up.

Some people feel awkward using authentic power (what demoparenting is made of) at first because it is new and, like stiff,

cratic

new

shoes, doesn't feel

good

yet. If you

had the task of pressing

eighty-eight levers at prescribed intervals at a certain speed and, at

any given time, you had to switch to different speed, could

playing the piano.

The same

is

To

you do

it?

a different set

What

I

of levers using

just described

is

a

the act of

play the piano well takes practice.

true with these parenting techniques.

They

take

you may feel uncomfortable, or you may find they don't work the way you expected. With patience and practice, you will become a more confident parent. Remember to be gentle with yourself when you make mistakes. Soon you'll be on the verge of doing something coercive and you'll catch yourself right before you do it. That's success! practice

and persistence. At

first,

Remember the goal of discipline When a parent disciplines to

a child, her goal

is

to teach her child

be self-responsible and to act in ways that get positive

whether an authority figure

is

results,

present or not. Discipline should

increase a child's awareness of her choices; these choices can

make

her happy or unhappy. Control over behavior thus becomes internal

and contributes

to the child's self-esteem.

Children misbehave

When you

when

they

feel

discouraged or powerless.

use discipline methods that overpower or

make them

bad about themselves (autocratic parenting), you lower their

feel

self-esteem. feels

It

doesn't

make

sense to punish a child

who

already

bad about herself by heaping more discouragement onto

When you

do nothing, or

her.

are ineffective in teaching the child

new behavior skills, you likewise

contribute to the child's feeling of

discouragement and powerlessness (permissive parenting).

54

R

E

D

I

R E C T

I

N G

CHILDREN'S

BEHAVIOR

Parental values we often raise our children as we were raised by our parwe often live by the values our parents hold. Unless we

Just as ents, so

consciously choose our values, most of us unconsciously accept the values of our parents and the society in

What values as

exactly

1)

which we

live.

do we mean by "values?" The dictionary defines

the social principles, goals, or standards held or accepted

by an individual, 2) that which is desirable or worthy of esteem. Your values determine how you and your family live. A modest list of values you hold might include honesty, importance of family, having fun, being physically fit, maintaining a certain income, and being well educated. There are numerous values that you hold that you may or may not be aware of. Your values may change from day to day, also. As your values change, your decisions and behavior change, too, and bring you new experiences. New experiences themselves can cause you to change your values. Perhaps you get a ticket for driving too fast, so you decide to observe the speed limit from then on. Or perhaps someone close to you dies unexpectedly, and as a result you decide to let your loved ones know more frequently how much you love them.

Whether

you have priorities within your values. For example, you may value work more than you value time spent with your family. If this is the case, you may find that your children and your spouse are doing some negative things to get or not you're aware of it,

your attention. The atmosphere

at

home may

feel debilitating or

tense. However, if you change your priority to value your family more than you do work, you may find that your family becomes more supportive of you and your work. As a result, you feel nour-

ished by your family.

One way you can determine what values you hold is to

observe

the quality of the life you live. If you don't feel nurtured within your family, look to see how much of yourself you're investing in them. What you spend time and money on can also reveal values.

.

Redirecting

Behavior

Children's

55

To determine our values consciously requires honesty. For example, we might say we value the importance of living a healthful, unstressed life, but we continue to work at a very stressful job because we're afraid to quit and go without the level of income

we

provides. Perhaps

say

it

important to us that our children don't

it's

watch too much television, but we allow them to watch a lot because we need a "baby sitter" while we do other things. Actions speak louder than words, so examine how you live to find out what you really value. If you don't like everything you see, you can change values and your behavior.

Eight ways 1.

to teach values

Determine what values you want of the top ten

priorities for

to live by.

your family. This

list

Make

a list

will help

you

keep your attention on creating what you want your children to learn. 2.

Set rules around your values. Let your values guide what rules

your family will

important to you

phone ily

calls,

For example,

time

is

don't allow interruptions such

as

live by.

at dinner,

or television. Require that everyone in the fam-

be present, children and adults

perhaps lessons

all

(let

if family

alike. If you

the children ought to take

value music,

some kind of music

each child choose what instrument to play so that

she or he will be motivated) 3.

Be unrelenting about observing your values. Sometimes in an attempt to make life easier for ourselves, we let things slide.

This habit causes situations to become more frustrating,

and time must be spent putting If you don't find

that

in order again.

your family will cease to value being

may

drift apart

and

it

with

it's

likely

Members bring them back

a family.

will be difficult to

together. Start out in the

4.

life

time to be with your family,

manner you wish

to

go and stay

it.

Reinforce your actions with your words. Talk

to chil-

56

R

E

D

I

R E C T

N G

I

CHILDREN'S

BEHAVIOR

dren about your actions. Tell them the good feeling that you get

from following through on

5.

church today.

people

at

when

can make people

I

Look for teaching is

really

feel

my

fills

"I greeted

heart with happiness

good."

opportunities. Be

important. For example,

from

alert for stories

books, and newspapers that

real life, television,

you think

It

For example,

a value.

my

illustrate a

value

son loves football.

My husband got him a book about a professional football player that

is full

my

of important values for

about the importance of holding on to ized, life

and

also

son. a

The author

dream

until

talks

it is

real-

about perseverance, patience, humility, a balanced

with work and family, and

a

good education.

Point out actions of neighbors and friends that demonstrate values. For example, called

me

discussed

how much

how much more 6.

I

told

my children about a friend who me the previous day. We

to apologize for lying to

I

courage

it

took for her to

7.

•

Am

I

When his friend calls him

have to choose which of these values

he'll

at that

If your child isn't

may want

moment.

honoring a value you hold

sending a clear message? For example, you television off three days a

Are

you

specific

may really

week, but you only

occasionally ask your family to turn

•

dear,

to ask yourself the following questions:

want the been

shared

prioritize. Suppose your child values

both friendships and good grades. while he's studying,

more important

I

trusted her after her apology.

Teach your child to

is

call.

it off.

You

have not

about what you want.

my actions congruent with my talk? A friend of mine was

walking out of a store with his daughter when he noticed that the clerk had given

him too much change. He headed back

"Why are you you a dollar too much?" He worth more than a dollar."

to the check-out counter as his daughter asked,

going back replied,

when

she only gave

"My integrity is

Redirecting

•

Am

exerting too

I

to share

If your

control because

I

57

my child

want

my values?

struggles •

much

Behavior

Children's

Sometimes children will get into power over values if we're too pushy about them.

teenager

rebelling against

is

your values,

it's

not only

normal but important for him to determine his own values. This is a stage, and he will grow out of it. He may not end up with all the same values you have, but most of them will probably 8.

be

similar.

own struggles with your values. Share with your child how you struggle with your own values. For example, "My boss wants me to do something that would Discuss your

save the

company money.

I

don't want to do

it

because

it

will

hurt the environment. I'm really struggling with this because

I'm not sure what

he'll

do

if I stick

up

for

what

Hearing you think about values helps your child

own values. Be insistent,

It

also helps

him

subtle, creative,

feel less

I

believe." clarify his

alone in his struggles.

and inviting about teaching values.

Don't give boring lectures, stern orders, or use "band wagon" approaches. Without values, our children are left to their own devices or pick up the values of their peers or the media. When you care enough to stick up for your values, your children develop a deep respect for you and themselves.

Adventures living with values To this

raise the

awareness of values within your family, try

game: 1.

Choose a different value at the beginning of each week. Write out and tape it to the refrigerator where everyone can see

it it

daily.

2. Practice that value for a

3. Get together at the

week by using it

end of the week in a pleasant place and you each have had dur-

share your stories of the adventures

ing the

as a guide.

week of observing

the value.

58

4.

Decide

if the

value

for behavior in 5.

Pick a

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

one you wish

is

your

to

keep

family. Discuss other

as a

constant guide

ways

new value for the next week, preferably one

different

from

last

money management as

parents develop a budget.

about whether to buy

that

is

it.

very

week's.

An example of how the game might work is this: responsible

to observe

One

a family picks

During the week, the makes a difficult decision

the value.

child

a football or a skateboard.

The

teenager for-

money into her savings The preschooler contributes his buy guinea pig food. By the end of the

goes a shopping spree in favor of putting

account for school clothes collection of pennies to

later.

week, the family will have other adventures revolving around money to share. Everyone in the family gets a chance to tell his or her story, and

all

listen respectfully.

might be kindness

to others.

The

value for the next

week

Communicdtion in

Families

communicate their needs with words and actions. Loving, effective parents allow expression of needs, and show children how to express them in

Children

healthy ways.

Feelings

Many

of us were not allowed to express

variety of intense emotions

growing up. Some parents

"Want something something

when we were

said things like,

to cry about?

to cry about!"

a

The

intense emotion scared people.

I'll

give

you

expression of

60

R

E

D

R E C T

I

I

N G

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

Vulnerability was equated with weakness. gives a negative definition of the

wounded; open

word:

Even

1)

the dictionary

capable of being

to attack 2) sensitive to criticism, temptations,

Who would want to admit to vulnerability with a definition like that? We need a new definition that features vul-

influences, etc.

nerability as openness: the ability to express honestly

In this society,

we

criticize

and

how one feels.

try to stop or get rid

of things

wrong to that we feel as they do. "You shouldn't hate your sister," or, "You should love Grandpa, even if he does say nasty things to you— he's your grandpa." Feelings are not right nor wrong. They just are. Much don't understand. Parents

tell

children they are

of children's misbehavior can be successfully redirected by simply allowing

full

expression (in a safe and appropriate manner) of their

feelings.

Feeling stoppers Feelings forced

underground can cause misbehavior. Here

a

is

list

of

"feeling stoppers," the actions parents take that cause children to stop expressing

how they feel in

order to protect themselves:

name

scolding

lecturing

solving problems

giving advice

punishing

moralizing

humiliating

pitying

making fun of

being

assuming

minimizing

interrupting

denying

imposing

helping too

We also

rescuing

sarcastic

guilt

squelch our children's feelings

calling

much

when we deny

expression by making these sorts of comments: •

•

"How can you be hungry? You just ate." "Your mom

[dad]

days, so there's

"Big boys

[girls]

is

only going to be gone for a few

no need

to be sad."

don't cry."

their

Redirecting

Children's

•

"This won't hurt."

•

"That's not what you really want to do."

Behavior

61

Comments like these deny your child the right to feel what he They teach the child not to trust his judgment. What is he

feels.

supposed to think, since he does

feel

what he

feels?

He

is

likely to

be confused.

One

we may repress our children's emotions is that we are uncomfortable with our own feelings. Parents who are in touch with their own feelings can respond in a more loving, accepting manner

reason

w^hen they express their

to their children

feelings, includ-

ing the "unpleasant" or intense ones.

Children try to protect themselves

They think

stoppers. are, so

that

it

when

parents use feeling

isn't safe to express

who

they stuff their feelings— literally sometimes.

watched

they really

One

day,

I

mother and her little boy, who was overweight, eating The mother was incessantly nagging the boy. As

a

in a restaurant.

she nagged, he stuffed food into his

mouth

seemed

feelings.

to be stuffing

Recent findings

also suggest that if you don't express

ings, the feelings stay

who ings

feels

may

both food and

he could.

as fast as

He

your feel-

within and contribute to disease. The child

dominated by

his parents

and unable to express

his feel-

on his younger siblings, pets, or situation becomes extreme enough, the result

take his frustrations out

other property. If the

may be mental illness. An emotion

repressed, persists.

An emotion

expressed, dissipates.

Feeling encouragers These "feeling encouragers" show you ways that invite the expression •

Listen intently.

•

Ask,

•

Affirm the feeHng,

of another person's

"How does that make you feel?" "I

can understand

to

communicate

feelings:

or, "Tell

me more."

why you're

angry."

62

R

•

E

D

I

R E C T

i

CHILDREN'S

N G

Be empathic,

BEHAVIOR

were in your shoes,

"If I

I

would probably

feel

the same way." •

Explore with curiosity,

"Is this the first

time you've

felt this

way?" •

•

your child solve the problem, "What

Ask questions would happen

to help

To encourage

her, say

if.

?" .

.

something about what

she's express-

"You're really clear about what you want to have

ing,

different." •

When appropriate, to help

age,

I

your child

own

share a similar experience of your

feel that he's

had trouble asking

When a child expresses

girls

not alone,

"When I was your

out, too."

emotions,

it's

important that you

first

acknowledge, affirm, or empathize with her before you do any of the other suggestions to invite expression of feelings.

of being understood and accepted

work through tion before

is

their emotions. If you help

you help him

frustrated or defensive.

your child find

to feel understood,

He may stop

Effect of divorce

The

feeling

crucial in helping children

he

is

more

a solu-

apt to get

expressing himself.

on children

Those parents who have experienced divorce may have a difficult time acknowledging the effect it has on children. Children have a right to be angry when their parents divorce. Probably the one thing that a child wants most in his

he loves

live

life is

two people Allow your child to

to have the

together and love each other.

express anger. Avoid feeling guilty or shameful about the divorce.

"Mom,

Fm really angry you and Dad got a divorce!" said Chris.

lean understand

that, Chris.

most angry?'' asked houses. I don't

Mom.

What

is it

about the divorce that makes you the

Chris answered, "I don't

know where my home

"Yes,

like living in

is!" "It's confusing to

two homes, " affirmed Mom. "Yeah, " he

said.

you

"What else about

to

two have

the divorce

Redirecting

makes you angry? " she asked. Chris.

[The famiUes Uved

jump

in the car

there

anything

you

still

love

don 't

you would

like to

Notice

we Uve

so far apart, " said

would be great

or

me?'' asked

tell

Daddy?'' asked Chris. "Yes. There very deeply. I respect

your dad a

him, " said

to

me

ask

Mom truthfully. smiled and kissed Mom goodnight. married

like that

in different states.] 'It

63

if we could

and see your dad! " said Mom. ''Yeah! " exclaimed Chris. else

your daddy

loves

Behavior

Children's

how

Mom

divorce. She offered

no

a part of me that

is

lot

"Is

Mom. "Do

hut I don't want

still

to he

Satisfied with her answer, her son

invited her son to talk freely about the guilt,

shame, blame, or excuses in the con-

versation.

Frequently, child,

we need

all

and be understanding.

when we

think

we

do

to

is

just listen intently, hold the

We get ourselves into a lot of trouble

have to heal,

or convert.

fix, rescue,

Temper tantrums Small children have temper tantrums for several reasons.

have

a basic

need

They may

that isn't being met, or they have the goal of

power, or they're testing

limits, or they're

simply frustrated.

They

communicate with the parent through a tantrum when they don't know any other way to do so, or when they don't want to communicate in another, more appropriate way.

One flict

of the

pitfalls in

dealing with tantrums

with our need to have things under control.

our children, and

What we need our child

is

we want

to quiet

to do, instead,

is

them

as

is

con-

that they

We get angry with

quickly

as possible.

take the time to figure out

having a tantrum so that

we

why

can meet his needs.

Handling temper tantrums Take care ically

to handle

your child gently during

a

tantrum, both phys-

and emotionally. Avoid punishing or threatening, arguing or

debating, and dealing with the tantrum in public.

Move

to a

more

private place (a restroom, for example) if your child throws a

tantrum out in public.

64

Take time

to

understand your child's signals so that you can

take effective action. gry, tired,

ill,

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

You

can't negotiate

with

a child

who

is

hun-

or hypersensitive. In those cases, get the child what

she needs as quickly as possible. If you try negotiation with a child

who is testing you, you may lose her respect. She may be testing you to see if you really

mean what you

well with children

who

feel

However, negotiation works overpowered or frustrated. say.

This chart will help you figure out what your child nicating and

what your most

is

commu-

as

you

can.

if it's

not

effective action will be.

Child

is:

Tired

What to do: •

Meet

•

Minimize

•

Hold or rock

child's need. all

talking that

may lead

to conflict.

child.

Example: •

Take child

to her

bed or a quiet area

to rest as

soon

Hungry What to

do:

•

Meet

•

Minimize

child's need. all

talking that

may lead

to conflict.

Example: •

Give child something to eat a

as

soon

scheduled snack or meal time.

as possible,

even

Redirecting

What to

Behavior

65

do:

•

Meet

•

Minimize

Hold Example: •

•

Children's

child's need. all

or rock

talking that

may lead

to conflict.

child.

Give child medical assistance

if needed.

Hypersensitive

What to

do:

•

Remove

•

Minimize

object causing reaction as quickly as possible. all

talking that

may lead

to conflict.

Example: •

If child's clothing

is

too tight, scratchy or hot, take

it

off as

quickly as possible. •

If child

is

frustrated

ing or a choice.

"Would you

by abrupt changes, give advance warn-

(Tommy, we'll be leaving in

like to leave in 7

ten minutes," or,

minutes or 10 minutes?")

Testing

What to

do:

•

Do not give in.

•

Bring child to self-quieting

•

Leave the room.

•

Do

place.

the unexpected.

Example: There are nonnegotiable boundaries that you have set, and your child testing you to see if you will hold the limits. You can discern this type of temper tantrum because you feel manipulated.

66

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

Powerless

What to

do:

calm and

•

Refuse to negotiate until child

• •

Acknowledge anger. Do win/win negotiation.

•

Brainstorm solutions.

•

Give child

•

Fantasize with child about unfilled desire, if negotiation

is

respectful.

of power.

a sense

is

impossible.

Example: •

"When you you,"

calm down,

or, "Please

am

I

willing to discuss this with

use your negotiating voice."

•

"I

understand that you are angry."

•

"I

want you

we work

to win,

this

out so

•

Together write on

•

Ask

•

we

way

a sheet

right

to win, too.

How could

can both win?"

"How can

yourself,

appropriate

and I would like

of paper I

give

all

possible solutions.

my child more power in

now?

would like ice cream, too. Two scoops with hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream, and a cherry on top. What would you have?" "Yes,

I

Frustrated/Overwhelmed

What to

do:

•

Are your expectations too high?

•

Break

tasks

•

Make

sure child

down

into manageable steps.

knows how

to follow the directions.

Example: •

an

If your child

done, break

is

it

homework ten-minute segments of home-

having a difficult time getting

down

into

"

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

67

work followed by five minutes of play. Repeat cycle until homework is finished. Set a timer for each segment to make process easy to follow.

Communication

skills

A child has taken Mom's jewelry to play with and doesn't put it

Mom might say to her child, "Why do you always take my

back.

things?

I

can never find them. If you don't stop taking

my door!" Her threat is

I'm going to lock

my things,

out of proportion to the

Most likely, the child will get defensive or tune her out. Mom could more effectively make her wishes about her jewelry

misbehavior.

known

in the following

'^Ifeel frustrated

isn

when you

take

my jewelry

because

when I want

it,

it

it. What I want is for you to put my jewelry back where you What I love about you is your sense of style. To communicate so that the other person is willing to listen, try

't

where I left

found

this

manner:

it.

model: "I feel [worried and angry]"

"When you "Because

[don't

[I'm afraid

"What I want is be

come home on

time]"

you got hurt]"

[for

you

to

be on time, or

call

me

if you'll

late]"

"What I love about you is

[your joyous

spirit

and enjoyment

of friends]" If you try this

consequence

(see

method and

it

doesn't work, try using a logical

page 135).

When you

communicate with your children, take responsibilwhat you say and for what they hear. Watch facial expressions and body posture to make sure your child isn't discouraged by your communication. If your child starts explaining himself, defending

ity for

himself, rolling his eyes, getting quiet, or looking disgusted, he's

probably feeHng defensive. If this happens, focus on creating close-

68

ness

first.

Do something encouraging to create a more open atmos-

Then

phere.

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

express your feelings and desire in the

manner shown

above.

Family meetings Living in close proximity

is

challenging and requires cooperation

recommend

among everyone

in a family.

meetings once

week. These meetings help children

a

I

that

you have family feel like

they're involved in family decisions and, as a result, they feel

more

accountable to the family. Family meetings can create an incredible feeling of support

and provide

their opinions in a safe place.

To

a

forum

for

everyone to express

create that safety,

it is

essential

that no criticism be allowed during these meetings. It's

also

important that you

time to have your meetings.

I

set a

day of the week and

would suggest

that

a specific

you make that made

time a sacred one and that there be no exceptions or changes

keep making changes and exceptions, then your members may stop respecting the meetings. Family meetings effective forums in which to discuss matters such as these:

to that time. If you

family are

•

Coordination of everyone's schedule for the week

•

Meal

•

Vacation plans

•

Household chores and who will do what Conflicts between family members Personal issues for which someone wants help Encouragement

• • •

plans and

who will prepare them

•

Budgeting

•

Announcements

•

Family entertainment

•

Everyone's goals for the

week and how

the family can

support them to accomplish their goals If a conflict arises

bring

it

up

at

during the week, you can

tell

for a brief time gives

everyone

a

chance to

your children

to

from the conflict cool off Postponement

the family meeting. Stepping back

Redirecting

Behavior

Children's

of a solution until the family meets

as a

group prevents the

69

chil-

dren from fighting for your attention.

Family meeting guidelines Family meetings can be

a

very successful time in which you can

solve problems, as well as have a lot

of fun. Here are some ideas for

the format of a family meeting.

Who and when. Hold the meeting once a week at a time when everyone in the family can attend. Make an agreement that whoever

can't attend (for an acceptable reason) will

decisions

made

still

abide by

at the meeting. If you find your children don't

to attend meetings, figure out

want

why. Don't allow telephone inter-

ruptions or visitors.

Where. one

is

Sit at a table— a

round one

if you

have

it

so that every-

equal— rather than lounging on couches and easy chairs.

not have a meal

How.

at

Do

the same time or do other tasks.

new leader and secretary at every meeting so that turn. The leader calls on people to speak; the sec-

Elect a

everyone gets

a

what was discussed and decided. disagreement about what was decided,

retary takes notes concerning

Later in the week, if there

is

the notes can be consulted. •

Begin the meeting with encouragement

for each family

you is ... " and, "I'm grateful to you for ..." and, "Thank you for ..." Teach children to compliment others graciously and to receive

member.

Say,

"What

I

love about

compliments graciously by saying "thank you." •

Follow the agenda, which has been developed over the week as

family

on the

who has ing.

members added items

refrigerator

is

a

good

to

it (a

blackboard or paper

place to post

it).

Let the person

"the floor" hold an object to signify that he

A stuffed toy or some special object works.

is

speak-

If you aren't

holding the object, you are listening, not talking. Teach your children that if they have a complaint, they need to have a

suggestion for a solution. Tell them,

"A person who

is

not

"

70

R

E

D

R E C T

I

I

part of the solution •

Make

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

N G

part of the problem."

is

decisions by family consensus, not majority. That

means everyone has to agree. Sometimes, it takes more than one family meeting to come to a decision. Aim for win/win decisions. Use the family meeting to practice this skill. Review the next week's calendar and plan family activities. •

Allow the leader ing.

to

choose an enjoyable way to end the meet-

Some families like to have a snack or dessert, play a game

or music together, or read a chapter in a

The

all.

goal

is

a pleasant activity

sure everyone feels

book of interest

Make meeting, even when a

which allows

good about the

to

sharing.

decision gets postponed until the next meeting. Don't let

anyone leave with unresolved

issues.

How to handle difficult issues If the

meeting turns into

a gripe session, stop it

and do something

A great way to accomplish this You want everyone to look forgripe session is not the way to

to help the family feel close again. is

to have

ward

an encouragement

to family meetings,

feast.

and

a

encourage repeat attendance.

During a family meeting, issues or ask questions that

often necessary to address difficult

it's

may,

at first,

feel defensive. It's essential that before

trusting atmosphere.

Once

make doing

this friendly

children (and adults) this,

you

atmosphere

is

establish a

achieved,

you can take a risk. Then, even if the child steps back in caution from your approach, you can still maintain the necessary emotional closeness. However, if you confront him when the relationship is disturbed, your child

backs

off,

'Joe,

you

may

feel like his position

can I talk

to

you a minute?

asks

^S^nff ^oice. [Caution: The relationship tinue.] ''Sounds like

you a

lot,

is

vulnerable. If he

will have lost him.

is

Dad. "What? "Joe

disturbed— mend

you We expecting another

lecture.

it

responds, in

before

you con-

Guess I do

lecture

don't I?'' says Dad, thoughtfully. "Ah, you aren't so bad.

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

71

responds Joe. ''Well, sometimes I catch myself treating you like you don't

how Ifeel,

"Don 't worry about it, Dad. What did you want, anyway?'' [Dad has now improved the relationship by talking about some of his own imperfections; it's now safe to confront Joe.] 'Well, I wanted to see if we could work out a better way of know anything and

that's not

Do you

keeping thefamily room clean. directly

with

this last question, Joe

With practice, you will You will find this

response.

and resolving relationship

admits Dad.

have any ideas?" [If Dad had started

would have

find that

resisted finding a solution.]

you can

interpret

your

when you are

a valuable tool

difficulties in the family

child's

discussing

meeting.

Steps for conflict resolution As often

as possible, solve

will feel

good and be more cooperative;

storming process that

is

problems in

a

win/win

style.

so will you.

part of negotiation

may seem

Your

The

child

brain-

tedious and

cumbersome at first. With practice, you will find that it comes more easily, with efficient and rewarding results. Here is an example of how

it

works:

Problem: Three-year-old Joey comes the night.

Step

Mom

1.

is

angry that he disturbs her

Ask permission to work on I want some time good time?"

person. "Joey, this a

Step

Write

2.

down on

ments into

guilt,

(see

Mom's bed during

sleep.

the problem with the other to brainstorm

with you.

Is

paper what result you want from the

conversation. Also, write

without

into

why you want

it,

clearly, simply,

blame, shame, or exaggeration. Use "I" state-

page 67).

"It disturbs

my bed during the night.

I

my sleep when you come

want you

to sleep in

your

own

bed."

Step

3.

Ask your

child to share

how he feels, and tell you what You need to know so that

he wants (gather information).

you can

arrive at a solution that allows

both of you to win.

"I

72

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

my bed all by myself.

get lonely in

I

want

to sleep

with some-

one," says Joey.

Step

4.

Make

a list

of the possible solutions to the problem on

your paper. Be creative, and don't judge a solution at this point. Sometimes it helps the process to put down things you think are crazy, just to loosen up. The important rule of brainstorming

ner

is

critical

you don't

that

is

criticize or reject

Anything goes!

this listing stage.

and won't become

If your

any idea

at

brainstorming part-

positive, stop the process

and

wait until later to try again.

Step

When you've

5.

the

list

to

your child

doesn't like; then

don't

like.

You

Pick one idea or

6.

list

list

them

to

a

all

the ideas

Have him

take the

read the

remaining on the spirit

first.

you

themselves and help

Step

thought up

list

you

can, give

cross out any idea he

and cross out the ideas you

to children

who

can't read

by

cross off ideas.

combination of ideas from those

be the solution to the problem. In the

of win/win, make sure you are both

satisfied.

Read your

body language and tone of voice to make sure he really happy with the solution. If he says "okay," but doesn't

child's is

mean

it,

the solution won't work. In that case, choose a dif-

ferent solution.

Step

7.

Use

the solution for a specified time period. If that solu-

tion doesn't work, brainstorm again for a give up, and

Here

is

the Hst

do keep

new

a positive attitude.

Mom and Joey made:

•

Mom could let Joey sleep in her bed.

•

Joey could

•

Joey could sleep in

•

Mom could sleep in Joey's bed in his room.

stay in his bed.

Mom's bed twice a week.

one. Don't

Redirecting

•

Joey could sleep in

Mom's

Children's

his sleeping

73

bag on the floor next to

bed.

•

Joey could sleep with

his stuffed animal.

•

Joey could sleep with

his cat.

•

Behavior

Mom could have another baby who could sleep in Joey's room.

Mom and Joey decided that Joey could sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor in Mom's room two nights a week. Both Mom and Joey were happy with this solution. The win/win nature of conflict resolution with teenagers

suits

problem solving

as well.

Problem: Mom and fifteen-year-old Tamara, Joey's sister, agreed to work on a problem Mom had. Tamara was often late getting home in the evening. Mom didn't want to worry about her. The two of them came up with these ideas in their brainstorming session: •

Tamara could go without

•

Mom could tell her that if she wasn't home by 11 had

•

to

come home

at

a curfew.

p.m., she

10 p.m. the next night she was out.

Mom could lock the doors so Tamara couldn't get into the house.

•

Mom up when she gets home, so Mom

Tamara could wake won't worry.

Mom could set an alarm and, if Tamara isn't home when goes off. Mom will caU the police. Mom and Tamara decided that Mom would set an alarm for •

it

11:15 p.m. If Tamara got If the

alarm went

off,

home by

then

11 p.m., she

would turn

it off.

Mom would start looking for Tamara.

lUay to

Ulhicli

Responsibility?

who learn to be responsible their actions and their own

Children for

well-being have a great advantage in

life.

In order for children to be

responsible, however, they

know how

need

to

and

to

to think creatively

solve problems.

As

a parent,

you will only

be comfortable giving responsibility to

your child

if you believe

chance of handling Parents

who

he stands

a

good

it.

ask children questions,

instead of providing answers, help

them

learn to think through problems and look at different possibiHties for action.

child

is

Once a

able to think about problems, she

can take the next

step:

making

decisions.

"

Redirecting

Behavior

Children's

make

Teacli your child to

75

decisions

One of the most needed skills in an adult is the ability to make deciThis

sions.

based on considering alternatives. In the short

skill is

make decisions for their children. What is appropriate decision making on behalf of a two-year-old becomes appropriate decision making by a five-year-old, and so on as the child grows, however. Recall that you are working yourself out of run,

it's

easier for parents to

the job of parenting gradually.

A toddler was screaming because she was put in her cribfor the night. Her dad came

to the

door and said, ^'Ifyou want

moment and

for a

dad

left

then sat

it

down and began

and went back

the door open

continue screaming, I will close

to

the door. If you decide to be quiet, I will leave

The

open.

to

little girl

thought

look at a book quietly.

Her

to his activity.

C A woman's seven-year-old nephew asked, right if I brought these candies with

''Think about the situation. quiet place to say good-bye to do, let

me know.

me

to the funeral?

We are going to

and

be respectful.

The boy pondered

^'Do you think

his

then told his aunt that he had decided not

to

thefuneral

Wlien you

''

it

would be

His aunt

home which

decide

all

replied, is

a very

what you want

dilemma for a few moments and bring the candies with him.

C A

teenager asked his

first urge

was

Instead she

need

to

decide. "

knew

to say,

''bit

do your

if he could go to his friend's house.

"No, you haven't done your homework, and

her tongue" and said,

decided to go to his friend's house for

had

gone offfor half the

told her

night.

son what

Given

Her

it's late.

"Think about how much time you

homework and how much time you need for

Her son

that if she

mom at 9 p.m.

to do,

sleep, then

15 minutes.

Mom

he would have rebelled and

the opportunity, he

made a

responsible deci-

sion.

In each situation above, the adults expected the children to

make reasonable decisions. The teenager appropriately more complex situation to think about than the boy or the

think and

had

a

"

76

R

E

D

I

toddler.

what to

R

C T

E

I

would have been

It

easy for the adults to

was given time

to do. Instead, each child

make

his or

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

N G

tell

to think

the children

and allowed

her decision.

Trust your child

One

thing

I

appreciated about

my parents was

that

when I became

me what time to be home, but would ask you be home?" They trusted me and

a teenager, they didn't tell

me, "What time

will

my ability to make

As a result, I made a conscious effort to live up to that trust. I came home on time because we shared mutual respect, not because I was afraid of what they might do or say to me. respected

a responsible decision.

Teach your child to trust his intuition One way you

can help your child make decisions

trust his intuition

what

get his answer

on

about what

to do, instead

fear, tell

your child

is

right.

to

look again for

to think in this

When your child asks you

If the

answer he gets

a different

''What

will

''

After some discussion about

you do?'' Alicia

is

based

answer. Encourage

manner:

Alicia approached her mother, crying, ''Blaire doesn't

me anymore.

by helping him

of telling him, ask him to calm his mind and

from inside himself.

him

is

says,

want

how Alicia feels,

'7 don't know. "

to

play with

Mom

Mom suggests,

don't you get real quiet and ask yourself what the best thing

to

asks,

''Why

do would

be."

Several minutes later Alicia returns

sion

is

probably based on fear and suggests that Alicia try the quiet method

again. This time Blaire returns happier, yet call

Mom that she has decided Mom observes that this deci-

to tell

that she isn't going to play with Blaire anymore.

up Blaire

to see if she's still

"That's brave of you.

mad

more determined. "I decided

at me, " she reports.

to

Mom encourages,

Redirecting

Behavior

Children's

77

Tell your child the truth

The

of what you say must correspond to the child's intu-

reality

itive sense

of what

is

true and real.

To

act

on

their intuition,

children need to believe that their perceptions are accurate.

One

day

guard, I said,

my son asked, ''Mommy, why are you mad?" Caught off "Vm not mad. " Then I reaUzed I had been reviewing mentally

a conflict with someone from earlier in the day. ''You're right, I

rect.

My son's intuition was cor-

was angry about something that happened

Thanks for helping me

at work.

recognize that, " I told him.

Children are very sensitive to the "vibes" around them.

we lie

or deny an emotion,

we

teach

them

to

doubt

When

their intuition.

Sometimes we lie to protect children. Or so we think. They usually know when something is wrong, and their imaginations can create a situation worse than the real one. At the very least, we cause great confusion. Confusion gets in the

way of good

Teach your child to get It's

your

child's job to learn

decision making.

she

iiihat

how to make

iiiants

herself happy.

entertain our children, take care of all their needs,

When we

smooth over

the troubles in their lives at every turn, and provide material goods for their

comfort and pleasure,

we

make

life

tude that others should

them.

A statement like,

else

should do

be attracted

as

it

for

them

my life

to develop an atti-

exciting and comfortable for

"I'm bored," means,

be responsible for making

one

allow

the

"I shouldn't

way I want

me." The child who

is

it

to be.

have to

Some-

entertained tends to

an adolescent to drugs or excessive television, neither

of which require

much

investment of her

own

energy. She has not

learned to think about that which makes her genuinely happy.

When your child says, "Well, you could say in a

"I'm bored," avoid the temptation to

say,

up Susie or you could finger paint." Instead, friendly tone of voice, "What will you do?" If she asks for call

suggestions in an appropriate tone of voice (without whining, pout-

78

R

D

E

ing, or

I

R E C T

I

looking

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

N G

sad),

gestion, but avoid

then you

may want

to give an occasional sug-

making the arrangements. Let her take is inappropriate, you

responsibility for them. If your child's tone

may want

to leave the

room

or ignore the request until she asks in

a pleasant tone.

Love Teach your children want.

how

to take responsibility for the love they

We can't expect other people

to read

our minds and

know

when we need outward expressions of love and affection. One way for your children to develop this skill is to have family "love bags." Each family member has a separate bag. In each bag, on which he has written something that would help him feel loved. For example, "Read me a book, please," "Rub my feet, please," "Tell me something you love about me, please," "Listen to me for fifteen minutes, please," and so forth. Make sure the request can be fulfilled at the time it's made and requires nothing more than time and attention. Requests to buy things are not suitable for the love bag. You don't want your child to associate being loved with money or things. When your the child puts small strips of paper

child feels discouraged or unloved,

ing family

This

he can take

his love

bag to

a will-

member to draw from it and fulfill his request. also a great way to circumvent discipline problems.

is

Instead of misbehaving to get your attention, your child can bring

you

his love

bag and get love in an appropriate way.

Love bags work

may want never too

to

have

for every family

member. You and your spouse

a separate, private love

late to take responsibility for

bag for yourselves!

your

Teach your child to give Many

of us have learned to get by in

ourselves.

Encourage your child

life

with

to put her

It's

own happiness.

all

100% Httle

investment of

into the things she

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

79

Help her recognize the feeUng of pride that comes from giving 100% of attention and effort. Teach your child to set her own goals and do her best to achieve them. Emphasize "personal best," rather than a comparison to somedoes.

one

achievement. Ask, "Did you do your best?" instead

else's

of,

"Were you the best?" When you do not compare your child to someone else, she is more likely to enjoy doing her best. If she knows how to recognize her own effort, she won't be so discouraged when someone else is better than she is. There will always be someone

better, so

it's

good

to learn early in

life

that

comparisons

generally lead to a feeling of defeat.

Some

children are able to look at another child's or older per-

son's

accomplishment and see

This

is

areas

and ways

legitimate observation provided

it

to

improve

their

own.

doesn't lead to the child

giving up.

Go

the

extra mile^^

We're so thankful when our children actually finish the tasks we asked them to do that we forget to teach them the value of going the extra mile.

You know what

that extra effort,

even

by acknowledging

if no

a great feeling

one

else notices.

their efforts, starting

toddlers. In time, they will internalize will feel pride

when

it is

when you

put forth

Teach your children

when

they are babies and

your encouragement. They

they put flowers on the table or fold the nap-

kins a special way, check their

homework, or sweep

the walk

when

only asked to sweep out the garage.

Encourage altruistic behavior Allow your child opportunities

to give

without expecting some-

thing in return. Children like to feel good about themselves, and

helping others can provide these good feelings.

A "thank you" may

be appropriate, but an offer of money can completely spoil the

80

R

E

D

I

R E C T

I

N G

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

experience for the child. If you wish to encourage altruism,

make

sure you don't confuse your child with material reward.

Expect your child to be capable

We often do things for our children because we can do them more quickly and efficiently. We are, however, robbing children of the chance to learn by experience and to build self-confidence. act as if your child

you

can handle

When

a situation, she senses that

you

have confidence in her. She will feel encouraged to do things

beyond what she thinks

Be

particularly

says, "I can't"

wary about doing something

when you've

for a child

already seen that he can. Let

and gain more confidence in

his abilities.

Nate

''Mommy, I can't!" he

tice

who She

are currently possible.

is

is

trying to buckle his shoes.

who

him prac-

wails.

Mother,

not in a hurry, says in a friendly voice, '7 think you can handle

smiles at

Nate and

it.

leaves the room.

Mother's tone of voice was very accepting. She wasn't annoyed

with Nate. She was

telling

him

that she

both with her words and her actions. find

it

easier to

had confidence in him,

If you leave the

room, you will

keep from coaxing or becoming annoyed

child's efforts to get

you

the benefit of the doubt.

to

do the task

You may be

for

at

your

him. Give your child

surprised!

fisk for your child's help Children sometimes giants.

feel like

midgets in

a

world of competent

They overestimate how much parents can do (some younger

children feel as though parents are perfect) and underestimate their

own worth.

A very effective way to build a child's self-confidence

to ask for his help. When a friend has asked you for help, do you remember how important and worthwhile you felt? Give your chil-

is

Redirecting

dren the chance to

feel that

point really helped

me

home

I came

Behavior

Children's

way, too.

81

My young son's fresh view-

one day:

upset about a conflict

Vd had

with one of my employees.

unhappy and asked me what was

Five-year-old Tyler could see that I was

wrong. I told him about the situation and asked him if he had any suggestions

He

about what I should do. just passed, cards. to

do

Atfirst,

''Why

thought,

my

that I give

1 criticized the idea in

Then I

that.

Day

thought for a moment. Valentine's

and he suggested

had

co-worker one of his Valentine

my head,

how silly

thinking

it

would be

not!''

Tyler and I searched through the garbage and found a Valentine that

many

didn't have too lope

and

coffee

grounds smeared on

day I gave

the next

what happened between us She

Valentine. right then

and

it

to

my

That

and we

night, I shared with Tyler

thanked him for helping

me

self he felt for being able

to

it

into

an enve-

yesterday. Tyler suggested that I give

started to cry, I started to cry,

there.

I slipped

it.

employee, saying, "Ifelt so bad about

solve

my problem.

help his

you

this

resolved the conflict

what had happened and

Imagine how proud of him-

mom

grown-up

solve one of her

work

problems!

Older children can I

ran was to begin,

his sis

two

He

sons.

I

told

in his business

really surprise

received a

me

that

I

you. Shortly before the

from

a father

he had suffered

and he was unable

wanted some suggestions on his boys.

call

cri-

boys to camp.

He

could break the bad news to

them

to

camp, he ask

for their help in deciding

to handle the crisis. Several evenings later to

major financial

to send his

how he

camp

had enrolled

suggested that rather than telling the boys he couldn't

afford to send

I said

a

who

my

Vve made

sons, ''Boys,

how

he phoned and told me:

a mistake in

my

business

and

lost

a big order. Because of this, we're going to be very short of moneyfor a while.

Do

you guys have any ideas that might help

boys' response

was amazing. They volunteered

offered to start turning off unnecessary lights

greatest benefit less

of a threat

me

to

is

and

solve this

to

mistake, yet the family

is

like

give up camp.

to

that their eagerness to help has

me. Ifeel

problem? " The

They

get paper routes.

made

the

also

But

the

whole problem

I have the support of myfamily. I made a huge

closer

than ever!

This father's willingness to talk about his mistakes and to ask for

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

82

the children's help avoided a possible family crisis and

accepted even though he was

feel

opportunity to help, to

at fault.

feel like their ideas

perhaps most importantly, showed is

He

them

made him

gave his children the

made

a difference

and,

that admitting a mistake

a responsible thing to do.

Remind your child that she makes

a difference

Children, especially teenagers, feel like they are "just children"

and can't

make much of a

really

to feel that the adults have

all

difference in the world.

the authority and

They tend

what they

think,

Remind your children frequently that they do make a difference. Tell them when their suggestions or efforts help you or someone else. For example, "You know, that and do doesn't

feel,

really matter.

advice you gave me about your little sister was very helpful. what you suggested, about not giving in to her, and it

I

tried

really

worked."

Give your child responsibilities Sometimes parents only give children their

own personal effects,

such

as

responsibilities that relate to

picking up their belongings.

of the best ways you can teach your child helpfulness

is

One

to provide

many opportunities for him to contribute to the family. Avoid giving him only the "low dignity jobs," such as taking out the garbage and cleaning up the dog's messes. Include tasks that get more recognition, such as preparing the family budget, shopping, or

him know how important his contribution is. Children learn responsibility by being responsible for tasks

cooking

a meal. Let

appropriate to their age. nis balls forever,

I

could stand and watch an expert hit ten-

but unless I'm given the opportunity to experience

the results of my mistakes and the joy of my successes with that ball

and

racket,

it's

unhkely that

I'll

develop

my tennis skills by sim-

ply observing. Likewise, a child will never learn to get herself out of

Redirecting

bed on time

if her

Children's

Behavior

83

parent takes the responsibiHty away from her by

waking her every day. She needs to feel the consequences of oversleeping and the pride of self-reliance when she gets up on time. Be sure to give responsibility in an empowering way. For example, instead of saying, "It's about time you started doing your own laundry," say, "I've noticed that you are handling responsibility for picking up after yourself really well. I think you're ready to learn how to do your own laundry."

On the next page is a list of age-appropriate needed and supervise is

carefully as long as

by no means complete, but

Hand down Each month, ask

month

that

yourself,

may be

he

Teach

for safety.

serves as a guide for parents

how much their children

realize

needed

tasks.

skills

The

list

who don't

can contribute from an early age.

responsibility

"What am

I

doing for

my

child this

ready to take responsibility for doing on his

now capable of making his own bed is now ready to do her own laundry, or a teenager can make his own dental appointments. Make sure you turn over responsibilities you know they can handle. A own?" Maybe

in the

a

preschooler

is

morning, or an older child

child can only take full responsibility for

the

skills

something he or she has

to do.

These gradual gifts of responsibility will prove to be far less overwhelming to your child than if you wait until he is sixteen, eighteen, or twenty-one and suddenly declare, "You're an adult now— handle things on your own." If you implement this plan, be amazed to see how much responsibility a manage and enjoy at even a young age.

you'll

child can learn to

84

R

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I

N G

CHILDREN'S

Tasks Children

Can Do

18 months old-

Learn Responsibility

to

Tell

you when the

traffic light

turns green

3 years old Turn

BEHAVIOR

off lights while being car-

Clear dishes from the table Seal

ried

and stamp envelopes

Carry in the newspaper or mail

Get

own

cereal or snack

kid-friendly containers

Wash tables and damp sponge

counters with

Put

wet diaper in the

Wash vegetables,

tear lettuce,

stir

set

Help

cloths

after

Give you a back rub or foot rub Help measure ingredients at

the grocery

store

meals and

Water plants Sort white clothes from dark

play

Wake up

clothes for laundry

sibling

Run simple errands

around the

house

Help put groceries away Carry in light groceries

Help with vacuuming, sweeping, and dusting Take Hbrary books and videos to or

from the

car

Scramble eggs, make toast

Put gas in the car

Help make beds

Help younger siblings Help plant a garden

Put

plastic dishes in the dish-

washer

Make

in the

and wash

fold towels

Count goods

the table

Feed and water pets

Help clean up

Help find grocery items

Pour things

diaper pail

Help

All of the above, plus more:

store

Pick up toys and clothes soiled or

4-6 years old

from

salads

Wash

the floor

Put dishes in dishwasher

Bring recyclables to the garage Lead family prayers

Measure soap for dishwasher and start cycle

Put own clothes away Take clothes out of the dryer

Be

responsible for

buckets

compost

Redirecting

Haul things

in the

Make a simple meal Empty dishwasher and dishes

Rake

Change

85

light bulbs

Make appointments

stack

on counter

Order out

leaves for short periods

Behavior

Buy groceries from a list Wash windows

wagon

meal planning

Assist in

Children's

of

for family

Wax car

Mow lawn

time

Help wash Prepare

Operate saws for

pets

own lunch

Walk well-behaved

Help in

manage

his

parent's business

pets

Carry in firewood Start to

home projects

16-18 years old

own

All of the above, plus more:

money

Run errands Balance family check book

7-10 years old All of the above, plus more:

Handle

their

own

checking

account

Get herself up in the morning

Maintain car

Help wash and vacuum

Help with family budgets

Wash

car

dishes

Take care of house/garden/yard

Fix snacks and light meals

Take care of animals

Help read recipes

Help younger children with

Run washing machine and dryer

Change sheets on the bed Help with projects around house Address and stuff envelopes

Read

to

younger

Bathe younger

siblings

siblings

11-15 years old All of the above, plus more:

Baby

homework Take care of siblings

sit

Cook meals

lUhy Do Children

(Disbehave? c,

Children

usually misbehave because

they are fulfilling a need. Your

child

is

communicating with you

about his needs

when he misbe-

haves. In order to teach your child

way

you what he needs, you must figure out what goal he has in mind. Identify your child's goal before you decide how to discipline him. This is easier to do than you may think. a better

A

to tell

single mother, her boyfriend,

seven-year-old son

Mark

and her

were driving along in

Redirecting

Mark

the car.

Children's

Behavior

kept interrupting the grown-ups' conversation.

Mom asked, Mark

''Honey, this behavior isn't Uke you. Is there something you need?"

answered, ''Yeah,

for a

moment and Mark.

attention to

when

you're with him, Ifeel invisible."

realized she

When

and herfriend

they began

really

include

to

Mom

thought

weren't paying

Mark

87

much

in their conversation,

he stopped bugging his mother. His needfor attention was being met. It is

important to understand

does, so that your response

view

toddler

a

toilet as

who

is

why your

child behaves as he

the right one. For example, if you

tries to flush a roll

of toilet paper

down

the

"bad," you have failed to recognize the toddler's need to

become competent. He

how the

works by exploring, and until he tries to flush the roll of toilet paper and sees the result, he will not understand why he can't flush something so large. If, on the other hand, you view his experiment for what it is, you can learns

toilet

show him what he can flush safely. The same is true for children whose goals are to meet other needs. Your job as a parent is to meet their needs appropriately. In the process, they will be learning how to meet their own needs as they grow.

Importance of the correct diagnosis Three people Doctor: Patient

visited the doctor for three different reasons.

"What seems 1: "I

Patient 2: Patient 3:

to

"My foot hurts a lot." "My arm hurts whenever it's

Doctor: "I can help you out your patient

now he

all!

gall bladders.

who

didn't feel

cold outside."

Since none of you feel good,

Why, just good.

I

six

months ago

took out

I

I'll

had

take

a

his gall bladder,

and

feels fine!"

Would you a)

be your problem?"

have a headache."

trust a

doctor

who

he didn't take the time to make

a

thinks like this?

Of course

not:

proper diagnosis, b) he assumed

88

R

E

D

I

R E C T

CHILDREN'S

N G

I

BEHAVIOR

everyone's problem was the same,

would work is

for every problem.

obvious in the medical

field.

The

We

he beheved one solution

c)

necessity for correct diagnosis

sometimes overlook

its

impor-

tance in parenting.

method will be effective in To determine what method to use, you have to take

Unfortunately, no one discipline every situation.

time to think about

why your

child

is

behaving in

a certain

way.

Until you understand the goal of your child's misbehavior, you can't

be sure which action will be most

effective.

Goal of attention The manner

in

which parents respond

to their children

is

very

important. Children often base future behavior on their parents' reactions to

what they do. Here

is

a perceptive child

who gets atten-

tion for negative behavior because she couldn't succeed in getting

it

any other way. Twenty-month-old Mariana

sat quietly rocking in her rocking chair as

She began

her father read his newspaper.

to rock faster

chair tipped over, spilling her to the floor with the chair diately, herfather

dropped his newspaper, ran

He carried her in

rescued his daughter.

minutes comforting her on his

About

three days later,

She

reading the paper. operative. to

He gently

read the paper. "

back at herfather

forward until chair

and

its

tried

his

over,

arms

and faster

until the

on top of her. Imme-

picked up the

to his chair

chair,

and

and spent fifteen

lap.

Mariana approached herfather who again was climbing onto his lap, but

Dad was

being unco-

brushed her aside, saying, '^Not now. Honey. I want

The

little

who was

girl

walked over

to the

rocking chair, looked

absorbed in the daily news, and tipped the chair

back rested on the floor. Quietly, she squirmed under the

started crying. Success!

Dad

threw

down

his newspaper, rushed to

pick her up, and consoled her in his lap again.

Children need and are entitled to our attention

grow

to healthy adulthood.

They know

if they are to

this instinctively

interpret negative attention as better than

no

attention at

and often all.

"

Redirecting

Mother and her

Children's

Behavior

89

best friend are visiting over coffee. Four-year-old Billy

runs into the room and stands behind the sofa. In a whiny voice, he asks,

my

''Mom, where's

'Tm

busy now.

airplane?''

It's in

Mom stops

your room. " She resumes talking

interrupts again, ''Where in

my room?"

friend and says, "In your toy chest.

Mom

talking to herfriend

.

.

.

This time

I'm

sorry,

to

and

says,

herfriend. Billy

Mom

interrupts her

what were you saying?"

turns her attention back to herfriend. Billy persists,

"Would you

mefind it? " Motherjumpsfrom the sofa in exasperation, "Oh, all when Ifind it, I want you to play with it in your room so I can

help

right! visit

But

with

my friend. Billy's request for help

ever, the clue that

What would be his

mother

visits

a

it

sounds innocent enough, right?

way

acceptable

for Billy to

behave while

He could respect her statement He could find the toy himself, What does he really want from his

with her friend?

busy and leave her alone.

that she's

or play with something else.

mother?

Mother's feeling of exasperation.

isn't lies in

more

How-

He

wondering

wants to be the center of her attention; he may be

if she loves

him

if he isn't.

In this example, Billy's inappropriate

were made in

a relatively positive

way.

couraged, his demands for attention

example, the child might

start

demands

When

for attention

a child

may be more

is

more

dis-

negative. For

playing with something he's not

allowed to play with or pick a fight with his brother or

sister.

Some

other ways of getting attention are whining, dawdling, forgetting, acting helpless, interrupting, or repeating an annoying behavior.

Remember that it is okay for a child to want attention; it's a legitimate human need and is shared by all children and adults. What you

are dealing

with

is

the child's inappropriate ways of try-

ing to get legitimate attention.

the

The way you can identify the misbehaving child's goal is by way you feel and by how you would usually respond to his

behavior. For the child trated

whose

goal

and annoyed. You tend

attention.

Not

all

you will feel frusrespond by giving negative

is

to

attention,

children use negative behavior to get attention,

however. Consider the child who

is

being (too) good in order to get

90

R

D

E

I

R E C T

attention.

child

is

It is

important for her to be good and to please you. This

often called

school. Again,

"goodie-goodie"

it is

at

home and

your response to her behavior

When you feel annoyed by good,

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

N G

I

is

"teacher's pet" at

the important clue.

this child's striving to please

an indication that her goal

is

you or be

attention.

Redirecting the goal of attention There

are four steps to redirecting

misbehavior

when

the goal

is

attention: 1.

Make no eye contact with the child who is misbehaving.

Do not talk to the child.

2.

The first two is

steps describe

trying to get your attention inappropriately. Ignoring

enough, however. is

3.

how to ignore the child when she

If you

likely to get worse.

Be

is

not

only ignore, your child's behavior sure to go

on

to step 3.

Do

something physical to make the child feel loved. The best way to do this is to rub her back or stroke her hair. Don't pat your

child's

head because

this

is

demeaning;

she'll

feel like a baby.

4.

Take action immediately. Do the first three no words, and some physical action

contact,

child feel loved-as

soon

as

you

start feeling

wait. If you wait, you'll start to get angry. difficult

not to react angrily.

do something

to

make

When you practice

When you're

steps-no eye to

make

the

Do

not

annoyed. It

would then be

angry,

it's

hard to

the child feel loved.

doing

all

four steps correctly, your child

has to rethink her behavior. She's used to thinking, "As long as

I

keep an adult busy with me, then I'm loved." Now she sees that she's loved without the adult having to "keep busy" with her.

As

a father talked across the fence in his backyard

to his

daughter Teresa kept interrupting him. His goal was for her until hefinished.

He wanted her to say politely,

to

"Excuse me,

neighbor, his

wait patiently as he

had pre-

Redirecting

Children's

piously taught her to do. However, Teresa

ing immediately, ''Daaaddyl'' not talk

to

Teresa or

make

Dad kept

seconds tion

and then

stopped.

on talking with

He

tion.

to

whine for a few

in their conversa-

very politely.

In order for successful redirection to occur, take time to be with your child

his neighbor, did

lovingly started rubbing

She continued

She patiently waitedfor a break

and said, '^Excuse me, Daddy,

91

had other plans. She began whin-

eye contact with her.

her back as she stood whining beside him.

Behavior

it's

vital that

you

when she's not competing for atten-

This helps to reinforce the appropriate behavior you desire.

Teach your child how to get your attention in appropriate ways.

One mother taught her daughter to say, "I need some attention, Mommy," instead of acting out to get it. When her daughter said

Mom would either give her the attention right then or would negotiate a specific, agreed upon time to be with her

those words.

she

child in a genuinely attentive way.

A busy parent can make gets a separate date

"dates" with her children. Each child

during the week. The dates

may

consist of a

with the child at school, roller skating, fishing, These one-on-one times are essential. It's much easier for a child to share intimate thoughts and feelings when he's alone with

breakfast, lunch etc.

you, in a relaxed atmosphere. If he

feels

he has

a close relationship

with you, he becomes more respectful and more cooperative.

When children

can get our attention in appropriate ways, they are inappropriate ways.

less likely to try to get it in

Fathers often play "rough and tumble" with both their

sons and daughters.

When

little

their daughters start physically devel-

oping in the teen years, fathers usually quit tumbling with them. is

It

important for fathers to replace the playtime and attention of the

childhood years with some other activity so that their daughters don't feel abandoned. For example, one father started taking tennis lessons

with

his daughter.

Another father

started a nightly

routine of reading a chapter in a novel they had picked out together.

You might be won't work

for

thinking that the steps for redirecting attention

your child and you may be

child has a different goal than attention.

right, especially if your

So read on!

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

92

The goal of pouier ''Turn the let

TV

me finish

lengesJordan.

"Why?

face.

You never ting red

Dad said

off,

watching

let

and

this

"No, I said turn

it

It'll

'Tt's

time for bed.

Dad demands with a stern

off''

me

stay

up

anymore, Jordan ''

late

C'mon,

feels

TV

.

.

.

protests.

let

chal-

look on his

me

watch

Dad's face

"Did you hear what

he points his finger at Jordan, the

Dad,

''Aw,

he over in thirty minutes,

Til just watch fifteen minutes, okay?

young man? I said off with Father

to Jordan.

one show.

is

it.

get-

I said,

NOW!''

angry at being challenged. His natural inclination

is

more force. To help you tell the difference between the goals of power and attention, watch what your child does. When you to use

punish your child

who

is

seeking attention, his misbehavior stops

because he has achieved his goal.

when you punish a

child

who

He

has your attention. However,

has the goal of power, his misbehav-

ior usually escalates rather than stops.

Even

behavior stops

if the

were saying, "You you later!' When you find yourself in power struggles with your children, change the question from, "What can I do to control this situation?' temporarily, he will have a defiant look as if he

can stop

to

me

"How

now, but

can

I

give

I'll

my

defeat

more power

child

in this situation?" In

exchange for power, your child will give you cooperation.

When

Tyler was three years

5:30 p.m. Big mistake! I was

home

to prepare supper, so

ping.

As

I hurried

tired

"

He

ignored

down

and he was

me and

to

get

expedite the shop-

At first,

I said calmly, "Tyler, please

cart.

STOP IT!'' As my

which

counting, I realized that Tyler

cart.

is

wanted

how

to

Then I

voice rose in anger, his

my purse and dumped the contents

that instant, I understood to ten,

to

continued throwing things out of the

the floor. I grabbed his small arms. I

and counted

I was in a hurry

what I needed, Tyler began

behavior escalated. Next, he took

back

tired.

each aisle grabbing

said more harshly, "Tyler,

At

he and I went grocery shopping around

I put him in the shopping cart

throwing the groceries out of the stop.

old,

all

over

shake him!

child abuse occurs. I took a few steps

a method I use to calm myself.

had no power

in that situation.

He

As

I was

had been

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

93

forced into a cold, hard shopping-cart seat as his harried mother rushed through the store picking

can I do

to

up items he didn't even

make

Tylerfeel more powerful in this situation?''

I decided one thing I could do instantly would be

to

ask Tyler's advice

about shopping. ''Do you think Snoopy [our dog] would dogfood or that kind? " the time

'What

care about. I asked myself,

we moved

"What vegetables do you

into the next aisle, I

think

kind of

like this

Dad would like? " By

was amazed at how

cooperative Tyler

had become. I thought someone had swapped children with me, but I knew it

was me that had changed, not

my son.

Parents think of incredibly creative ways to give their children

power when they put I

can possibly relate

minds to in this book.

their

it. I

have more examples than

One

of

my

favorites

is

this

on.

Her

mother's story: Three-year-old

mother would get

to

had hardly begun.

would not

Katy

the

Katy would work

No

cooperate.

late, feeling tired

how much

matter

So

not put on her seat belt

Mom

Captain of the Seat

Belts.

Her

behavior changedfrom

the

she argued and threatened,

changed her approach. She decided

and powerful because she was now depart.

it

andfrustrated even though

to

day

Katy

make

Mom could not start the car until Katy

everyone in the car had their seatbelts on.

told her that

and keep

in charge

Katy felt important

of whether or not they could

defiant to cooperative overnight.

Redirecting the goal ofpower ways to give children appropriate power you out of power struggles. There are also techniques you can use to prevent the power struggle from occurring in

There

are several surefire

that will get

that

the

first place.

Different situations

call for different actions.

Offer your child choices

You can

easily decrease the

number of power

household by giving your child choices reasonable.

A choice is

different

from

a

as

often

your possible and

struggles in as is

command. Compare "Stop

with "Would you hke to play with your truck here without bumping the walls, or would you like to play with it in your sandthat!"

94

R

E

D

I

R E C T

N G

I

own,

BEHAVIOR

are given choices learn to make decisions on dependent on their parents and other adults, rebellious. They also learn to recognize the connec-

box?" Children their

CHILDREN'S

who

are less

and

are less

tion

between

their decisions

and what happens

When you offer a choice, •

Be

•

If the child doesn't

sure the choices

you

to

them.

keep these cautions in mind: give are both acceptable to you.

choose either option, offer another choice

you to take action. For example, "Would you walk or would you like me to carry you?"

that allows like to •

If your child

freedom

does not choose, assume she doesn't want the

Choose

to choose.

for her

and

act.

In the example

above, pick her up gently and carry her from the room.

Some other examples of simple choices are these: • "Would you like to dress in the house or in the car?" • "Would you prefer to brush your teeth now or after we read • "Would you like to feed the dog or take out the garbage?" • "Would you like to baby-sit Leon while I run to the store or •

Be

would you

like to

store for

me?"

you offer is a punishment, no choice. For example, "Would you like

sure that neither of the choices

for then there

is

to play outside or

no

go to the

?

go

to

your room without dinner?"

offers

real choice.

Sometimes

it's

hard to think of choices to offer children. This

may be because you don't feel like you have many choices in your own life. Practice giving yourself choices. If you don't want to wash what other choices are there? Ask your husband or the children to do them; use throwaway dishes instead; leave the dishes the dishes,

someone you think of

until the next day; or hire

the possibilities

Many

doctors

who

office visits considerably.

arm to

do them may be among

have learned about redirecting children's

behavior instead of issuing choice of which

else to

commands have

eased the tensions of

When a child needs

get

it

a shot, she

in or of which nurse to give

is

it.

given a

She can

Redirecting

Behavior

Children's

95

have a choice of colorful Band- Aids. She can decide whether to or

lie

may trol

down

or stand up

when

the shot

is

given.

sit

Even though she

not be happy about the shot, the choices give her some con-

and responsibility in

a situation that

may feel

out of control.

Increase your child's sense of self-worth

Everyone needs ties

to feel valuable

you give your child

and worthy. The more opportuni-

to feel valuable, the less likely she

to

is

misbehave. It

takes a bit of thought to provide opportunities that genuinely

increase a child's sense of self- worth.

You

usually have to change

how you do something as well. Thoughtful parents positive results of their efforts.

Here

attest to the

are three examples, represent-

ing experiences with a preschooler, an elementary school child, and

Notice the effort the parents put into finding ways for

a teenager.

their children to feel valuable,

which

improved

resulted in an

self-

opinion for the children.

Mother ing room!

three -year- old

let

Angie determine what

Mother picked two paint samples,

she asked her daughter, 'Angie, living room.

said that

Fm

Would you pick which

when

Angie had picked

she could see

how proud Angie was

paint the

both of which she liked.

debating about the color color

you think

herfriends came over, she would

her say that

color to

make

it

to

Then

paint the

should be?''

sure

liv-

Mom

Angie overheard

the color of the living room.

Mom said that

of herselffor having made that decision.

c Twelve-year-old

Dad decided son

how

to

end of the doing

it

to

Damion

and homework was a

did poorly at school

do something

to

make

his son feel valuable.

He

struggle.

taught his

do the payroll for his three employees at his floral shop.

year,

Damion was

By

the

doing the payroll so skillfully that he began

for two other florists in town.

Not

surprisingly, his grades also

improved.

Dad had guessed that one

reason his son

get even for the lack of quality time they

home much,

the time he

and

was getting bad grades was

had shared. Since

Dad wasn

to

't

his son spent together on the family business

96

R

E

D

R E C T

I

I

N G

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

improved their relationship.

By

Dad started

and acknowledge him for

to

value his son

allowing and teaching

Damion

to

help him,

his help.

C Stepmother Monique was having

difficulty establishing a relationship

with herfourteen-year-old stepdaughter Anna. She decided choosing some

assist her in

new

her lack of knowledge about current fashions

father.

The shopping

tantly

to

help out,

helped

it

rela tionsh ip

trip

and

ask

Anna

to

husband. She shared with

clothes for her

Anna Anna

agreed

to

and asked for her

together they shopped for clothes for

advice.

Annans

provided attractive clothesfor Dad, but more impor-

Anna feel

valuable

and was

the turning point in the

between stepmother a nd stepda ugh ter.

Negotiate win/win solutions

Most of us were not taught

Our experience

children.

The most

the concept of win/win negotiation as

involves win/lose or lose/lose situations.

effective negotiations are those

for a solution in

which both win and

are

when both

parties strive

happy with the end

result.

To arrive at such a solution, each person must listen intently to what the other person wants, while staying committed to his or her wish or need.

The

essence of negotiation

is

that each party thinks

of ideas that

what they want. Neither tries to talk the other out of or into anything different from what each wants. Both parties keep thinking of solutions until each has exactly what he or she wants. Sometimes each person is delightfully surprised

will allow

both

parties to get

because the results are better than either expected.

win/ win takes time to implement

at first,

The concept of

but the rewards are well

worth that extra time and patience. The process becomes easier as the whole family develops this skill. It takes practice, like all the other good parenting techniques. / was going

to

eight at the time, to support

doorfor the large hole,

lecture,

was

my hometown and I asked my son, who was me by going along. As I was headed out the

do a lecture in

I glanced

his knee.

down

at Tyler's jeans. There,

My heart sank.

1 promptly asked

poking out of a

him

to

change.

He

"

Redirecting

and Ifound myself engaged

''No, "

said,

As

soon as I realized what

thought, I decided to use

unwilling

to

to he "cool,'' too.

doing, I stopped. After a

win. I want you

to

of his

my position:

were going

in their jeans

"It's

How can I win,

he at

and he

important for you

too?"

I couldn 't think of a solution, hut Tyler thoughtfor a

"How about

he was to

win. However, I will he emharrassed in front of all these

people if you have holes in your jeans.

Then, when

97

moment's

why

I asked Tyler

skills.

He said thatfriends

1 explained

Behavior

power struggle with him.

Everyone who was ''cooV wears holes

the lecture.

wanted

in a

win/win negotiation

change his pants.

to

we were

Children's

moment and said,

this? How ahoutifl wear a good pair ofpants over my jeans? Fm around yourfriends, I won't have holes. When Fm around

my friends, Fll take them off." 1 marveled at Tyler's creativity. I said, "What a great solution! I would have never thought of that. Thanks for negotiating with me.

To summarize, when you gle

are in the

middle of a power strug-

with your child and negotiation seems

ask your child, "I see

want you

to

you're just

win.

how you

How can

I

can win and

win, too?"

as interested in their

like the appropriate tool,

that's great,

When

because

I

children see that

winning, they're eager to help

fig-

ure out ways that you both can have what you want.

Make it okay for a child to do what she wants Sometimes you just thing,

can't get

your children to do, or not do, some-

no matter how hard you

a situation,

think for a

try. If you

find yourself facing such

moment about the possibility that what they

want could be acceptable, after all. If you can legitimize their activity, you will eliminate the power struggle. Think creatively, as this parent and this teacher did:

A fiti

mother offour children could not get her children

to

quit writing graf-

on the walls, no matter what discipline strategies she used. So she

wallpapered the children's hathroom with white wallpaper and told them that they could write whatever they

were given permission room,

much

to

Mom

's

to

it

in their hathroom.

do that, they confined their drawings

relief

kids' bathroom because

wanted

Whenever I went

was

to their

the most interesting

When to the

they

bath-

house, I would use the

room

in the house!

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

98

c A

teacher

airplanes.

had a problem

They turned

in her classroom with the pilot

the classroom into a busy airport!

She

makers ofpaper decided to

make

a bad situation a learning opportunity and devoted some time in the classroom to the

study of aerodynamics.

make paper airplanes to

As part

of the curriculum, the children had

that demonstrated the best aerodynamic designs.

to

Much

her amazement, the students' fascination with paper planes dwindled.

Teach your child how to say "No" respectfully

Some power struggles occur because children have not been taught how to say "No" respectfully. Most of us were raised to do as our parents told us, whether we liked it or not. However, children who aren't allowed to say "No" directly say it indirectly. They can say it by dawdling,

forgetting, or

doing

you ask them

a job ineffectively so that

them or you don't bother to again. Some children even get sick. It is much more difficult to deal with a "No" that is said "under the table" than one said directly. If a child can say "No" directly, his communication is honest and clear. How many times have you gotten yourself in trouble because you felt you couldn't say "No"? Allowing your children to say it won't cost you anything because they are already saying it indieither have to finish

it

for

rectly.

Think of the say

it

to peers

benefits for a child

who want him

who

can say "No."

He

can

to participate in drugs, sex, stealing,

vandalism, hurtful activity, and other situations where someone

wishes to coerce him. If you don't teach your children,

The

pressure to be liked

by parents

early in a child's

who will?

life is

probably

equivalent to the peer pressure they will feel as a teen, so what a

and practice saying "No"!

great time to learn

We respect the We also have an agreement that if "But it's really important that XYZ happens," then

In our family, everyone

who

desire of the person

someone

says,

the person

who

that negotiation

says

is

says

"No"

allowed to say "No."

it.

will

be willing to negotiate.

means each person

For example,

I

may

ask

my

Remember

what he or she wants. child to help clean up the house. gets

"

.

Redirecting

"No,

I

with me. At those times,

I

Sometimes

he'll say,

the house picked

we

negotiate a

anna

[his

Behavior

don't want to," and that won't be okay

"But

say,

it's

important to

three-year-old

more

me

to get

up because we're having friends over tonight." So solution. Tyler might say, "I'll watch Brisister] for

you, instead."

Then I have

You have

willing to cooperate.

in the situation

and

the

We both win.

As odd as it sounds, when you allow your children they are

99

win/win

time to clean up.

free

Children's

makes them

that

feel

to say

"No,"

given them power

they have some control.

How would you feel if you were in a job

or a relationship in

which you weren't allowed to say "No?" I know I would become resentful. In fact, I would probably leave the situation if there were nothing I could do to change it. Our children often leave emotionally, even if they can't leave physically, by becoming distant and uncommunicative One of the best ways to teach your child how to say "No" is to model saying it yourself. Your "No" may also be phrased as "I'm unwilling to ... " This is how one mother modeled saying "No" to her children:

Two to

children

pay for a

clean

up

its

wanted

to

rabbit's food.

get a pet rabbit.

Vm

unwilling

to feed

^7

a rabbit, clean

am its

willing cage, or

messes. If you miss feeding the rabbit or taking care of it for two

days in a row, I will take the rabbit back

Be

Mom told them,

careful that

you don't

say

to the

"No"

pet

store.

in an angry way.

An angry

tone of voice indicates displeasure, disapproval, and sometimes

punishment

to a child.

You want

to

model

that saying

"No"

is

a

normal, everyday sort of activity-no different in degree than saying "Yes," or,

"The sky is blue

today."

Sometimes, parents try to postpone disappointing children with phrases

like "I'll see," or

"Maybe," or "Let me think about it."

This behavior doesn't model saying

The

child gives

but the result

is

up asking a

The

effectively to a child.

parent

and learn

how to

say

it

is

off the hook,

"No" in a kind, but when possible), our children

discouraged child.) If we say

firm tone of voice (and offer a reason will respect us

"No"

after a while.

themselves.

100

R

D

E

I

R E C T

I

N G

BEHAVIOR

CHILDREN'S

Ways

to

avoid power struggles

Slow down

A major reason for power

struggles today

is

over-scheduling of

The more we rush and are anxious to get things done, the more we put pressure on our children to do things quickly. Chiltime.

dren are not developmentally ready to do everything quickly or in an organized manner. tant they

The more we

become. This

pressure them, the

creates tension in families,

more

resis-

and tension

is

a

breeding ground for power struggles and tantrums. Allow

fertile

yourself enough time so that you don't have to hurry your child.

Slow down-there

isn't

time to rush!

Plan ahead

You can avoid last minute pressure by planning ahead. For example, have your child get school clothes, books, lunch, night before. While everyone will be

there

is

calm,

worn, whether homework

is

enough lunch meat

is

you can

etc.

discuss

ready the

what

clothes

finished and organized; see if

for sandwiches or find out if you're

expected to supply cupcakes; and discuss what everyone will be

doing during the week so you can avoid conflicts. Children are more cooperative and pleasant when they can go at their own pace, and they know what to expect.

Make agreements ahead of time

Do you go

when you get into the store and your child wants to buy candy and toys? Or when you have run an errand with your

child

crazy

and the minute you get where you need to be she

ing to leave?

starts

whin-

An effective way to deal with this kind of problem is to

make an agreement with your child ahead of time. The determining factor for success in making agreements is that you keep your word.

If you don't

you and

keep your word, your child will learn to distrust

refuse to cooperate.

A mom owned her own business and wouldfrequently take her child with her to work.

Mother made an agreement ahead of time with her

child,

''We

Redirecting

and then we

will be here for only fifteen minutes,

would sit and draw while Eventually,

was flaying later

and

She

to stretch the fifteen

The

When

honor her commitment

Mom to

go

to

him

actually give if he

possibility

to stay

out that they were staying

Mom

wanted

agreed-upon time.

Her daughter

your child ahead of time

tell

to

spend on him. Tell him that

more than

that

amount.

It

works best

the money. Design a consequence for

is

that the next time

to

what hap-

bugs you to buy more than the designated amount.

home. In

to

work with her again.

on going shopping,

you're unwilling spend any

minutes because her child

what was happening, she began

realized

how much money you're willing

pens

101

Her daughter

will go.

up quite a fuss when

to leave at the

gradually became more willing

If you plan

little girl figured

started putting

office.

Behavior

Mom worked.

began

so happily.

later.

take her to the to

Mom

Children's

One

when you go shopping he will have

today's society,

it's all

too easy for your child to

misinterpret commercials and advertisements that lead to the belief,

"Love means that will

my parents'

make me happy." Such

buying things and a belief

my having things

can create power struggles

between you.

Give notice of time You've been invited to are

a special party for a visiting dignitary.

many interesting people

to talk to,

one stimulating group of people

much

fun in years!

You

to another.

settle into a

There

and you're circulating from

You

haven't had so

conversation with a

woman

from Russia who is telling you about their social customs. Suddenly, your husband grabs your hand, forces your coat on you, and says, "Come on. It's time to go home." How would you feel? What would you feel like doing? Chil-

when we demand that they make an shift in what they're doing (like going home from a friend's

dren have similar feelings abrupt

house or going to bed). give

them

minutes,"

a friendly or,

You will

have fewer power struggles

warning, such

"Bedtime

is

as,

"We will be

in ten minutes.

how much better you would

have

felt

I'll

set

if you

leaving in five

the timer." Notice

toward your husband

if he

" 102

had

said in the

To

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

above example,

"I

would Hke

to leave in 15 minutes."

avoid conflict, v^e sometimes don't

changes in plans until the

our children about

tell

minute. This makes our child

last

out of control and can lead to powder struggles. For example, to tell

my children

the day before

v^ere usually disappointed,

dren about

trips at

had

and reacted

feel

used

go out of tow^n. They

to

angrily.

I

now^

tell

my chil-

our family meeting at the beginning of the week.

This allows us to plan result,

I

I

a special date

together before

leave.

I

As

a

my children have been less upset about my leaving.

Do the unexpected Children generally have their parents' reactions to almost every-

They know what

thing figured out at a very early age.

to expect.

When you do the unexpected, your child no longer gets your usual response to that behavior. As a result, you break the pattern of the

power

struggle.

Richard had an ongoing power struggle with doors in the house. After trying

do the unexpected. the doors the kids

One

many ways

to

his kids

weekend, without saying another word, he took

had been slamming off their

''They can't slam doors that don't

exist.

''

door,

''Around here,

we

Richard

hinges.

Three days

back up. There was no more door slamming. In fact,

would slam a

about slamming

get them to stop, he decided to all

told his wife,

later,

he put the doors

when

visiting children

Richard would overhear his kids

tell

the offenders,

don't slam doors.

We continue to

try to correct behavior

with the same ineffec-

methods we've always used and wonder why we have no success. If we just changed our pattern by doing the unexpected once in a while, the misbehavior would often change permanently. Ask yourself, "What do I normally do in this situation? Would this be an appropriate time to do the unexpected?" tive

Make

discipline fun

Many

of us approach discipHne (teaching)

about

how much more you

learn

far

too seriously. Think

when you're

enjoying yourself.

Redirecting

Make

life's

singing

you and your

lessons fun for

"No"

Children's

child.

makes requests

do

to

For example, try

learning the multiplication tables,

Donald Duck)

that

household chores.

things, such as

/ was struggling with Tyler over his homework.

He

was supposed

and we were getting nowherefasti

to be

Finally,

"When you're learning something, do you need to see it, it?'' He said that he needed all three ways. So I took out an

I asked Tyler, it,

103

instead of speaking in your usual admonishing voice

or try developing a funny character (perhaps

hear

Behavior

orfeel

oblong cake pan and put a layer of his father's shaving cream in the bottom.

I wrote the problem in the shaving cream and Tyler wrote the answer. I was

amazed!

He went from

seven equaled

a child

to

glee as if he were

sion ended in

who

who was

couldn't care

loose in a toy store.

let

less

about what nine times

rapidly writing the answers with as

And, of course,

an uproarious shaving cream fight between

You may w^ays for

a child

think you don't have time to

your child

to learn, or that

you

the

homework

but

it

also

became

a close

bonding time

us.

aren't creative.

vs^ay to

for

I

urge you

The

One mom was usual, no

end

shav-

help Tyler learn,

both of us.

It

certainly

was better than the "pulling teeth" method of multiplication

As

ses-

come up With unique

to thrown these self-limiting thoughts out the window^.

ing cream technique v^as not only an easy

much

drill.

having a power struggle with her small son over his bath.

to the struggle

was

in sight.

She

noticed two squirt guns in

her son's bedroom. Grabbing the squirt guns, she yelled invitingly, "Let's

have a squirt-gunfight in the bathtub!" Both had a great time laughing in the tub,

and Mom accomplished her goal.

Maybe your

children are too old for this particular bath tech-

nique, but the purpose of the example imagination. as

Make

many w^ays

as

is

to

stretch

your

more fun for you and your child in you can think of. While you're defusing pov^er parenting

struggles in the present, you're also creating

memories of family fun

for the future.

Withdraw from the Children frequently attempt to defy child's defiant

behavior by trying to

conflict

Some parents respond to a force him to behave or to take us.

"

Children's

Redirecting

104

Behavior

"the wind out of his sails." Instead, "take your sails out of his wind." You have nothing to lose by withdrawing from conflict and potentially much to gain once you have time and space to think

about

Even

a solution.

if you

succeed in overpowering your child,

he will ultimately feel hurt. As a

He may

result,

he will try to hurt you back.

not be capable of hurting you physically, but

other ways, such

as

he'll find

doing poorly in school, forgetting chores, "acci-

dently" causing damage to possessions or property, or

some other

indirect misbehavior.

Since gles

with

it

takes

two

feel that it's escalating instead

Remember, words

flict.

power strugand you withdraw from the con-

to fight, refuse to participate in

When you find yourself in

a child.

of resolving,

said in anger

a conflict,

can be very destructive and

slow to fade from memory.

A

mother was

He

son.

in her car,

had asked her

to

about

to leave the

shopping center with her

buy him a toy and she had

said,

''No. "

He con-

tinued asking her

why

she didn't want

spend her money on a toy that day. But, he kept picking

to

she wouldn't buy

Mom

him

the toy.

She explained

that

at her to

buy

about

explode. Instead, she got out of the car (she took her keys with her)

and

to

sat

the toy.

on the hood. She waited

When she got back said, like

noticed that she

was

there for a few

in the car, her son

asked

her,

losing her patience

minutes until she cooled ''What's the matter? "

"Sometimes I get angry when you won't take

how

and was

"No" for an

determined you are and I would also like you

to just

off.

Mom

answer. I

"No" for

take

an answer sometimes." This unexpected, but honest, exchange impressed her son.

As

a result, he began

to accept it

when

she said, "No.

Know your child Knowing your child will help you determine which intervention to use when your child is about to have a temper tantrum. For example, when Tyler is overtired, he gets really irritable and sometimes mean.

I

know that my best bet

discipline or negotiation

at this

point

is

to dispense

and encourage him to go

to

with any

bed

as

soon

as possible.

Watch how your

child acts in different situations.

When your

Redirecting

child gets

hungry or

erative?

Which

better at

someone

tired,

starts

day?

does she become irritable and

else's

house?

Or

less

Does

105

coop-

she play

does she play better in neutral

where she does not

feel she has to protect

How long can she play with another child before she

needing her

from school,

Behavior

children does she play best with?

territory such as a park

her territory?

Children's

Watch your

space?

best to allow

is it

Or does he

own

When your teenager comes home

him some time before you

discuss his

respond better right before bedtime? child's patterns to

know when your

child

is

really

"misbehaving" or just physically uncomfortable. It is

met

much more

helpful if you can get your child's basic needs

quickly as possible rather than getting into

as

power

struggles.

Signals For the parent and child

who want

work on power

to

struggles

together and are cooperative enough in their relationship, signals

they devise between themselves can help. Signals are a tool to alert the other person that a

Use

using

struggle

discrete signals so that

by them.

make

power

It's

humiliated or embarrassed

you both have agreed on

Signals that are

funny are

They can be either verbal or One mom and daughterfound that

other.

so they decided they struggle

is

best if you let your child create the signal.

sure that it.

no one

beginning.

is

would have a

also a

it

and

her way.

discreet

Then

reminder

to

comfortable

light way of helping each

nonverbal. Here they had too

is

an example:

many angry

outbursts,

secret signal to alert the other that a

was beginning. They decided pulling an ear lobe

would be a

feel

However,

(their

power

own, of course)

the other person that she was using anger

they would choose a better

way

to get

to solve their problem.

C One family which often ''That's a

realized they were saying discouraging things to each other,

led to verbal

power

put down, " as a

struggles

signal.

.

So they developed

Everyone

the phrase,

in the family agreed that

when

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

106

they heard the signal they would start using more encouraging phrases

imme-

diately.

c A

mother got

tired

of the ordeal ofplanning family outings only

someone ruin them with their had attitude (including herself). decided to use a signal to help keep from struggling to

being negative.

Anyone

could

expressing a had attitude.

thumhs up

in the center

three

Out

.

.

.

their heads.

of a

the family

circle.

when

'Attitude!''

yell,

Then

make

to

have

the family

each other stop

they heard someone

would gather

Thefamily would

So

together with their

then shout, ''One, two,

of here!" as they simultaneously raised their thumhs over

The phrase, of course, meant

that the attitude

was

to leave,

not

the individual. [This funny exercise will hackfire ifparents don't acknowledge

own had attitudes,

their

also.]

The goal of revenge The

child

who

is

they

may

openly-physically or

When we

overpower children,

extremely discouraged

emotionally—hurt herself or others.

become discouraged and

resort to the goal of revenge. Feel-

ing worthless, disliked, and hurt by others, these children want to

hurt back in the same

As with other feelings as

way they feel

goals of children's misbehavior, use

your guide to your

child's intent.

or revengeful toward your child, is

they've been hurt.

a

it's

your

own

When you feel hurtful

good indication

that his goal

revenge for some hurt he has suffered. Ten-year-old Terri got caught stealing fifty cents from a hoy at school,

and

the teacher sent a note to her parents. Terri' s

how

could you do this

to

us?

We

ashamed of you. You have given us nothing hut stand you. until

Now, you go

to

trouhle.

your room. I don't want

you 're sorryfor what you 've done. "

and sent

mother was

would have given you

livid.

the

"Terri,

money. I'm

I just don't under-

to see or

hearfrom you

Mom gave her a swat on her hottom

Terri to her room.

Later that evening, Terri decided

to

paint herfingernails even though

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

107

Mom had told her not to play with nail polish. As she wasfinishing her nails, she ''accidentally" spilled the nail polish remover table,

taking the finish off as she tried

to

clean

it

all

over

Mom's

antique

up.

Redirecting the goal of revenge It

takes patience

might help

fulness.

It

reflects

her

It's

and understanding to to

own feelings

know

about

see

that

behind your

child's hurt-

sometimes her hatefulness

herself.

important for you to decide that you will end the war and

you will be the first one to stop hurting back. This is difficult do because we feel so justified in wanting to hurt back or in wanting to teach the child a lesson. But ask yourself whether you want peace or war. If you decide you're unwilling to quit the war just yet, it's okay. Just realize that your attempts to discipline will that

to

be increasingly If you

less effective.

choose peace, take these five steps to redirect the goal of

revenge:

1.

Stop

all

retaliate,

hurtful actions, words, and punishment.

even though we

misbehavior,

ment

we

If we

may temporarily subdue our child's

will only aggravate the problem. Punish-

him justification for continued aggression—direct You won't solve the problem by avoiding retaliabut neither will you continue to make it worse. gives

or indirect. tion,

2. List five

things

you love about your child. You may fmd

think about things you love about the child who

it

difficult to

is

hurting you

when you

feel angry.

However, your

attitude

about your child will change from negative to more hopeful,

and possibly even positive. it is

When you have a positive attitude,

easier to create effective solutions than

when you

are

angry or hurt. 3.

Protect yourself from getting hurt. Sometimes we a situation that

is

stay in

hurtful to us, hoping that things will get bet-

108

Redirecting

ter.

Usually

Behavior

Children's

if you stay in

such

a situation,

you end up

feeling

hurt and resentful, and even suffering injury.

A sixteen-year-old boy specialized infrequent obscenities directed at his mother. Usually, she

like that,

would

make him

try to

stop talking to her

which only escalated the problem. She decided

herself by leaving the

room the minute he

to protect

started to say hurtful things

to her.

Make amends

4.

to the child. Sometimes,

it's

difficult to

admit you were wrong or to say honestly that you're sorry.

Other times, we

feel

someone

else

and so we

fault,

is at

going to say we're sorry until the other person does

Remember, you're

Your

first.

the adult in this situation and your child

learning about relationships from you.

you wish your

aren't

Model

is

the behavior

child to learn.

may be

mad

you that he won't allow you to make amends or repair your relationship. This child may need time. You may want to say, "I can see that you still want to hurt me. If you need time to be mad at me, it's okay with me. I'll wait." child

so

at

Reestablish a loving relationship with your child.

5.

something

to repair the relationship.

thing fun together.

The purpose

Do not buy him things

is

to assuage

Do

Go on a date; do some-

for

you

your

to get close again.

guilt.

more extreme cases of revenge, there may not be any relationship with him because you are both so hurtful to one another that you don't feel like being in the other's presence. In this case, In

it's

important that the whole family see Terri's

a therapist

or counselor.

mother recognized that she had hurt Terri and made her feel

unloved by the things she had said. For two days after the nail polish incident.

Mother

said nothing about the

ishing Terri.

She

damaged

table.

also spent time thinking

She avoided hurting

or pun-

about some things she enjoyed

about her daughter and mentioned a few of those things

to Terri.

After the

two-day cooling- offperiod, Mother talked to Terri about the incident. '1 must have hurt you when I said that you were nothing but trouble. Sometimes I say

Redirecting

hurtful things to

make a

Children's

when I don't know what else

to do.

on the

table.

centerpiece to cover the spot

I'm

Behavior

sorry,

109

and Vve decided

Would you

me

like to help

"

make

it?

Because of this mother's understanding and her determination

end the battle of revenge between the two of them, mother and daughter were able to enjoy each other's company as they worked to

on

a project together.

When you recognize the goal of revenge, use only natural consequences until you establish

looking for an excuse to get even

consequence angry.

He

as

may

Teenage Aaron was supposed club.

to

homework

you did anything

else.

before.

I

want you

your homework. You'll never

to

stop

amount

to

me

of you

you

alone,

telling

@^#?

me what

to

I'll

do!"

do

mother since

aren 't keeping your

the banner. "I will.

Now

''Yeah, I've

sarcastic laugh,

what you're doing now and finish anything!"

threw the brush down on the banner and shouted, leave

to his

him about homework

How come you

you quit bugging me?" His mother gave a

heard that one

was painting a

''You promised you'd do your

word?" Aaron didn't even bother looking up from will

against you.

it

he studying. Instead, he

Mom started nagging her son.

before

when you're

This was a source of iritation

because she had been in an ongoing battle with school began.

A child who is

this child

may use

can sense your anger and

7.

easily misinterpret a logical

punishment. Don't confront

bannerfor an after-school

Natural and

a better relationship.

consequences are described in Chapter

logical

Her son

"Why

my homework when

He stormed

into his

I'm

stood up

and

don't you just ready.

I'm

sick

bedroom and slammed

the door.

His mother

realized that

Aaron was feeling

revengeful.

She

decided to

be thefirst of the two to stop the battle. First, she remembered the step of doing

something

and the

later

to reestablish their relationship.

asked him

to

She

let

come out of his room. She

the situation cool offered to help

down,

him paint

banner and he agreed. They talked together freely for the first time

months. The next morning, Aaron got up

early

andfinished

his

in

homework.

you can do if you have a particularly difficult child. The first thing you can do is to visuahze how you want the relationship to be. Take five minutes in the morning Here

are

two

exercises

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

110

before you start your day and five minutes at night before asleep to visualize

like to

fall

your relationship. Actually see the images and

hear the words that you want each of you to

you would

you

have

when you

are

say.

around

Create the feeling

this child.

Parents often imagine the worst possible outcomes for their children-the son gets in an accident or the daughter uses drugs,

and so on. Instead of imagining these possibilities, imagine the you would most like to see. You may or may not

possibilities

achieve success right away in visualizing these, but be patient.

The second thing you can do with a difficult child is to practice loving him unconditionally. Remember when he was little, it was even okay if he threw up on your brand new clothes, you loved him anyway! Try practicing loving him unconditionally for a day and

if a

day

is

too long, practice for an hour a day.

Halfway through her senior year in high school, seventeen-year-old Tracy decided

to leave

gave her a gas

home and

credit card

live in

with the understanding that Tracy would he respon-

sible for paying all the hills

company warning her short period.

an apartment on her own. Her mother

that

on the

card.

Mom got a call from

someone had charged $800 on

Mom got her card hack from

the credit card

the card in a very

Tracy and made arrangements for

her daughter to pay hack the $800.

Mom

said that she

was

really

tempted not

to

give her daughter any

Christmas presents hecause she was so angry. However,

an action would come out of her wish

She would not improve

to

Mom knew that such

get revenge, to punish her daughter.

the situation, even though she

was very tempted

to get

hack at her daughter.

Mom stayed Mom did not punish her daughter by taking away her presents; and third. Mom stood up for her rights Three things happened

in this incident: first.

unconditionally loving; second.

by taking back the card and arranging for Tracy to pay the charges. Sometimes, extrinsic circumstances lead a child to the goal of revenge.

He may be

someone

at school.

feehng overpowered by

This child

a parent, sibling,

a physical hmitation,

or ill-

which he feels angry about because he do things the way others do. Sometimes, children who have

ness, or learning disorder

can't

may have

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

III

not bonded well with their parents will seek revenge.

Here

an example of

is

how

a

mother

with revenge

dealt

her though she was not the source of the child's desire

directed at

for revenge:

Nathan

started yelling, seemingly for

requested something from him.

you?'' After

much

Mom

no reason, at

Nathan was

conversation, she found out that

friend of his intimidate him. confident about himself

Nathan

They decided

ually, his self-confidence improved,

mother when she

his

asked, ''Did I do something to hurt

tended

to enroll

and

the

to

and not very

be unassertive

him

in

anAikido

problem was

letting a

class.

Grad-

solved.

The goal of avoidance who

Children

feel like

they can't do anything or can't meet the

demands life makes on them resort it's

to avoiding everything,

whether

challenging or easy. Angle's parents had noticed that she was withdrawing more and more

from family start crying ities,

activities.

Her

tone of voice

was becoming whiny and she would

When asked to participate in activ-

with the slightest provocation.

she would frequently whimper,

words so that

it

was

difficult to

understand

concerned about her behavior at

Angle began displaying

can't. "

home and

her.

She

also started

mumbling

Her parents became extremely

at school.

the goal of avoidance.

She had become

so dis-

couraged that she was giving up. It was as if she were saying, 'I'm helpless

and with

useless. this

Don't make any demands on me. Leave me

alone. " Children

goal exaggerate their weaknesses, and they frequently convince us

that they are

dumb

sorry for them.

or clumsy.

You

rarely

Our

initial reaction or response

reprimand

frustrated because nothing seems to work. their child's helplessness.

this child.

At

Some parents

may

be to feel

times you might feel react

with

irritation to

"

112

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

Redirecting the goal of avoidance Here 1.

are the steps to redirect this behavior:

not capable. Do not feel sorry her, coax her, or make fewer demands on her than you do on other children. When we feel sorry for our children, we

Stop feeling that she

encourage

and convince them that we don't have agree with their belief about themnothing that paralyzes anyone more than

self-pity

faith in them, that

There

selves.

is

is

we

do something we what she wants by

feeling sorry for herself. If we help a child

know

she can do for herself, she will get

being

sad.

it

When

this habit

is

carried into adulthood,

we

call

depression.

2. Start

changing your expectations about your child.

Concentrate on what the child has accomplished. Start seeing

your child cuss 3.

as capable.

what she

Talk about what she can do; don't dis-

hasn't done.

Be understanding, but don't example, "You seem to "Here,

4.

5.

me

let

do

feel like

that for you.

Make her helplessness

It's

feel sorry for her. For

you

can't

do

inappropriate. Suppose she

she can't do something that

you know she can

"Do

tone of voice.

it

anyway," in

a loving

Arrange situations or

that," versus

too hard for you, isn't it?"

activities in

succeed. Start with easy things you

says

do. Say to her,

which the child can

know

she can do and

gradually increase the difficulty of the activities as her confi-

dence increases. Eight-year- old Liz avoided her schoolwork.

ment had been given, assignment.

The

The

the teacher noticed that

teacher asked

teacher asked,

Long

after a

math

Liz had not even

Liz why. Liz

assign-

started the

replied meekly, 'T can't.

''What part of the assignment would you he willing

do?" Liz shrugged her shoulders. The teacher asked, "Would you he ing to write your

name?

Liz agreed and

the teacher

left for

to

will-

a few moments.

Redirecting

Liz wrote her name, hut nothing would he willing

to

Children's

The

else.

Behavior

113

Liz

if she

teacher then asked

do the next two problems, and Liz agreed. This contin-

ued until Liz had completed most of the assignment. The teacher had

Liz hy breaking

arranged for small successes for

manageable

the assignment

down

into

tasks.

C Kevin, a nine-year-old boy, was given the assignment of looking up spelling words in the dictionary

and then writing out

noticed that

Kevin did

whined and

told his father that

all

he could

to

he felt stupid.

Dad

Hisfather

the meanings.

avoid his homework.

He

realized that

cried

overwhelmed by the project and was defeating himself before he even

So

Dad decided

to

break the task

down

into

and

Kevin felt tried.

something that was more man-

ageable for Kevin.

For

the first three weeks,

the meanings.

word

in the dictionary.

with Kevin. cessfully to

Dad

Then Dad

down

also

looked up the words and Kevin wrote

had Kevin look up

the first letter of the

Dad then alternated looking up every other word Dad continued to break down the task until Kevin could suc-

do the whole task without his help.

complete. It proved to be very helpful to

The process

Kevin

took several months

in his school

work and

in his

relationship with his dad.

Be

sincere about

all

encouragement you

offer children

who feel

defeated and inadequate. Such children will be extremely sensitive

and suspicious of encouragement and may

try to discount

it.

.

114

Redirecting

Children's Parentis feelings: • Annoyed with child • Want to remind or coax •

Feel delighted

ChiWs •

mistaken Goals

child

with"good" child

reactions to reprimand:

Temporarily stops misbehavior

ChiWs

Behavior

Children's

when given

attention

action seems to say:

only count

•

"I

•

"I believe

when I'm noticed

or being served."

being loved equals having attention."

ChiWs goal is ATTENTION

likely to he:

•

Parental corrective action: • Make no eye contact. •

Do not speak to

•

Make

•

Take action

as

•

Teach child

to get attention appropriately.

child.

child feel loved (without words)

soon

as child

annoys you.

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

115

Parentis feelings: •

Provoked with child

•

Feel need for

•

power

Challenged by child or, "You can't get

ChiWs

away with

make you do

that!")

reaction to reprimand:

•

Intensifies misbehavior

•

Wants

to

ChiWs

(Parent thinks, "I'll

be the boss; wants to win

action seems to say:

when I'm dominating you." when you do what I want you to do." count when I prove that you can't boss me."

•

"I

only count

•

"I

only count

•

"I

only

ChiWs goal is POWER

likely to he:

•

Parental corrective action: •

Give choices, not orders.

•

Don't play" tug-of- war."

•

Give friendly eye contact.

•

Don't

fight

and don't give

•

Give child useful ways to

•

Teach child

to

in.

feel

powerful.

win/ win negotiate.

it!"

116

Children's

Redirecting

Behavior

Parentis feelings: •

Hurt; angry

•

Revengeful

•

Thinks, "How could you do

this to

me?"

Child's reaction to reprimand: • Wants to get even • Makes others dislike him or her Child's action seems to say: •

"I

can hurt others

Child's goal •

is

as

I

have been hurt."

likely to be:

REVENGE

Parental corrective action: •

Do not hurt back.

•

Reestablish the relationship.

•

Use

•

Make amends

•

Teach child

logical

consequences the child will enjoy. if you are

wrong.

to assert feelings

of hurt in appropriate ways.

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

117

Parentis feelings: •

Despair

•

Annoyed and sorry for child Thinks, "What can I do?"

•

ChiWs

reaction to reprimand: reaction because no reprimand was

•

No

•

Feels there

•

Passive

ChiWs

is

no use

action seems to say: do anything right, so I won't do anything

•

"I can't

•

"I'm no good."

•

"Leave

at all."

me alone."

ChiWs goal is •

given.

in trying.

likely to be:

AVOIDANCE

Parental corrective action: •

Don't coax or

•

Arrange for success in

•

Avoid doing things

•

Find or create situations in which child can

•

Teach child

feel sorry for child.

small,

manageable

steps.

for child.

to feel capable

feel valuable.

by overcoming obstacles and accom-

plishing tasks.

(Adaptedfrom an original chart by Nancy Pearcy and Louise Van

Vilet)

"

Redirecting

118

Behavior

Children's

Practice identifying goals of misbehavior Read the examples, then answer the four questions one. The answers are on page 119. Mary starts

hut the tapping continues.

Mary 1.

2. 3. 4.

retorts,

The

tapping her pencil on her desk.

The

''No, I won't,

teacher snaps at

that follow each

teacher asks her to stop,

Mary,

''1

said to stop that!''

and you can't make me!"

How does the teacher feel? What was Mary's reaction to her reprimand? What did Mary's behavior seem to be saying? What would you guess is Mary's goal?

C Mary starts tapping her pencil during class. The teacher says, ''Mary. Mary stops immediately and says, "I'm sorry. Teacher. Do you want me to say

all the

ABC

until your turn. " all right,"

2. 3. 4.

"But I know all of them.

"Aaa

concedes the teacher.

teacher sighs 1.

now?" "Not now, Mary,"

s

and

rolls

her eyes as

.

.

the teacher responds.

Please, can I say .

Beee

.

Mary slowly says

.

.

"Wait

them?" "Well,

Ceee

.

.

.

"Mary's

the alphabet.

How does the teacher feel? What was Mary's reaction to her reprimand? What did Mary's behavior seem to be saying? What would you guess is Mary's goal?

C During

jumps

to

class,

Mary

suddenly slams her hand down on the desk and

herfeet, saying, "This

is

stupid going over the

them a long time ago!" The teacher

is

Mary, "Til not have you

me

note

home

to

talking to

your mother. " "Big

shocked.

She responds by

that way,

deal, "

Mary

ABCs.

curtly telling

lady.

Vm sending a

"That

does it!" says

young

retorts.

I learned

Redirecting

You're going

the teacher sharply. 1.

2. 3. 4.

down

Children's

Behavior

119

to the principal's office!"

How does the teacher feel? What was Mary's reaction to her reprimand? What did Mary's behavior seem to be saying? What would you guess is Mary's goal?

C During ^7 don't

class, the teacher calls

know

it"

teacher coaxes, '7

and

looks

know you

down

on

Mary

Mary, " 1.

2. 3. 4.

Can you

say

say the alphabet.

at herfeet.

can say

it.

teacher sighs, then in a gentle voice says, first letter?

to

"

''Come on now, Mary, "

Mary

''Come

"A?" Mary weakly

shrugs her shoulders. on,

1

.

How does the teacher feel? What was Mary's reaction to her reprimand? What did Mary's behavior seem to be saying? What would you guess is Mary's goal?

Teacher feels angry. Her authority has been challenged. The reprimand was ignored.

make me."

3.

"You

4.

Power.

1.

3.

Teacher feels annoyed. Misbehavior stops because child received attention. "Notice me."

4.

Attention.

2.

1.

2.

Teacher

feels

Mary hurts

3. "I

want

hurt and revengeful. Feels like hurting back.

the teacher again after the reprimand.

to hurt others the

way

I

feel hurt."

4.

Revenge.

1.

Teacher feels annoyed and sympathetic. No reprimand was given. "Leave me alone." Avoidance, inadequacy.

2. 3.

4.

the

"A?" "That's good,

the teacher praises.

can't

the

The

Mary, can you say

says,

Answers, in order of the examples: 2.

Mary says,

Discipline

that Teaches Self-Control

fffective

discipline

methods

are an

integral part of redirecting chil-

dren's behavior. If you often use the techniques of punishment and

rewards, you should

know

that

they are ineffective methods of preparing

children for democratic living. Three essential

elements are missing— a sense of

responsibility,

respect,

a

and the

feeling

of mutual

ability to cooperate.

Trade in those methods for ones that teach inner control and self-responsibility.

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

121

Guidelines for parental behavior we

methods themselves (selfquieting, limits, and consequences), some general guidelines for parent behavior are in order. They are: work on one problem at a

Before

discuss the three discipHne

time; balance firmness and kindness; talk about your problem, not theirs;

concentrate on what you can do; respect your hang-ups;

refrain

from making children

close to

It's

suffer as they learn;

and choose to be

your children.

important to work on one problem

at a

time so that you and

your child don't become overwhelmed or discouraged. solve

one problem, you

they were related to

will often find that others clear

When you up because

it.

Balance firmness and kindness The key to

effectiveness

is

a balance

of firmness and kindness.

parents are too kind (permissive) and neering).

Some

What works is

are

to

You combine

some

are too firm

both kind and firm, but not

combine both

qualities into

kindness and firmness

at

Some

(domi-

the same time.

each interaction.

when you:

•

accept and love your child as she

•

do not make your child

•

do not rescue her from uncomfortable

is

suffer

situations she creates

for herself •

do not allow her

•

take action

Mom

when

to infringe

on your

misbehavior

rights

persists

made an agreement with her children

that they could eat in front

of the television as long as they cleaned up their mess. The children wouldfor-

Redirecting

122

get,

it

Children's

and Mom usually would spend a

Behavior

of time yelling at them.

lot

What Mother needs to do is pick up the food silently and return She may want to say in a firm and friendly voice,

to the kitchen.

"Since you broke your agreement about cleaning up your mess, I'm unwilling to have you eat here now.

At

this point, the children

way, by yelling

at

might

them but

still

You

can try again tomorrow."

try to get her to respond in her old

them continue

letting

to eat in front

of the television. Parents either give in or get angry when children begin to plain.

It is

important that you neither argue nor explain.

argue,

you

are initiating a

power

struggle; if you explain,

know why you

giving attention (and they already

gesture,

and say nothing.

If they persist,

you

you

are

object). Instead,

some other

give your children a look of acceptance, or

com-

If you

leave the

friendly

room.

Talk about your problem, not the chiWs Essential to effective discipline

about your problem, not the

is

the requirement that

child feel less defensive because

you

you

talk

This approach makes your

child's.

aren't sticking

business. Say, "I'm unwilling to have a

messy

your nose in

living

his

room," instead

"You must pick up your stuff." Model self-respect. This maximizes your chance of winning his cooperation. Here is an of,

experience

had with

I

my husband:

My husband was sitting in

the living

After a few minutes, I called out in the

okay,

to

room reading. I had gone

him, ''Honey, you have

his tone

of voice revealing that he didn't appreciate

you going

snapped back at me, saying, "I told you, I don't read!''

At

that point, he

I changed

was determined

my approach.

willing to

come

in the guest

when you come to

bed

now and

to

my problem.

to

bed

read

my

''Okay,

nagging.

About

much longer?"

know how

long

He

Vm going to

read all night!

Instead of trying

cerned about him, I talked about

tomorrow, and

to

to

to bed.

get up early

He answered,

morning, so you 'd better not stay up too long.

fifteen minutes later, I asked, "Are

to

late, it

read in bed, or

make him feel I said, "I have

that I to

was con-

get up early

wakes me up. Would you be would you be willing

room when you 'refinished reading? " He

to sleep

reacted quite differently.

"

Redirecting

He said,

'It's not so

important that I read right now.

Parents mislead children

problems.

The

Children's

when

Behavior

come

I'll

123

to bed.

they concentrate on the kids'

kids get the idea that as long as

Mom or Dad are

willing to take responsibihty for the kids' problems, they don't need to

do anything themselves.

Here

examples that show

are three

accustomed

to speaking to

how most of us have been how our parents spoke

our children (or

to us).

Following each statement

models

self-respect.

is a

suggested alternative that

New

Old "I don't

want you watching

television until

all

hours of

"After 9 p.m. living

room

I

would

like the

to myself."

the evening."

Old

New

"Stop that fighting right now!

"I'm unwilling to

You'll get hurt."

to

risk

damage

my things by allowing you

to fight in the house."

New

Old "It's

job.

time for you to get

You must learn

more

"What

is

start to

need your help

meet, and would

be

responsible."

Before you for?"

to

"I

a

start

model

my problem in

make ends

like

you

own

to

clothes."

self-respecting talk, ask yourself,

this situation?

Remember that you

buying your

to

What do

I

seek a solution

are addressing yowr problem.

Concentrate on what you can do Parents issue several hundred

commands

to their children each

These sound like, "Get up. It's time for school. Get dressed. Eat your breakfast. Put your dishes away. Brush your teeth. Brush your hair. Don't forget your homework. Put your shoes on. Pick up your toys. Turn off the TV. Come here," and more. With such a day.

Redirecting

124

Children's

Behavior

constant harangue, wouldn't you turn a deaf ear?

The commands

may

Imagine

be given in a threatening tone of voice,

boss spoke that

way to you.

also.

if your

My guess is you would quickly be look-

new job. Fortunately, our children can't go looking for a new family. Nor can they always express how they feel verbally, so feelings show up in their behavior. They resist, dawdle, or forget; ing for a

sometimes they actually put their hands over their

ears to shut us

out physically.

During conflicts, most of us become defensive and address what someone else should do, instead of what we can do. Stop and ask yourself, "What can I do?" when this happens to you. By controlling your own actions rather than someone else's, you can influence their behavior without disturbing the good relationship you have with them. Instead of talking so much, take friendly action. Give your child his comb or his toothbrush with toothpaste on it. Guide your child to his task by gently and lovingly placing a hand on his back. Mother was every night.

on the

She

table, sat

tired

of nagging and reminding her children

decided to take

down, and

some

silently waited.

''What are we waiting for. Mom?'' tured,

"We

wouldn't have

action.

to

At

The

kids

that point,

came

and

in

the food

and asked,

Mother could have

wait if you had done what

a hundred times!" Instead, she very briefly

to set the table

That evening, she put

Vve

told

you

lec-

to

do

casually answered, ''Silver-

ware and plates. " The kids rushed off and came back with the silverware and dishes.

C Another mother, whose

children never picked

"From now

out being nagged, stated simply, are in the hamper. "

hamper.

made

it

She then took

Her children to the

their dirty clothes with-

action by not

wash only

washing

understood the message and

clothes that

clothes left out

made

of the

sure dirty clothes

hamper.

Both mothers

quit nagging

to feel better about themselves less

up

on. Til

time being negative,

we

and reminding, which helped them and

their children.

When we

can enjoy our children a

lot

spend

more.

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

125

Respect your hang-ups Even when

it's

your

child's responsibihty to

be concerned about

her problems, not yours, parents have personal hang-ups. For example, if your teenager stays out late and doesn't get enough her problem, right? If you have a hang-up about her you have a right to relief, however. You have the right to know you can handle any situation that comes up, but I have

sleep, that's safety, say, "I

this if

hang-up.

When you're out after 11

something has happened

to you.

p.m.,

I

worry.

I'm not sure

if I

I

don't

should

the

Do you have any suggestions about what could do my problem?" Another way of saying this is, "Even though

police or wait.

about

know

call

I

would like you to respect how I feel." If you say to your teenager, "You must be home by 11 p.m. on weekend nights so you'll get enough sleep," your daughter will probably tune you out. I

have a hang-up about

this,

I

Children don^t need

to suffer to learn

In the past, parents believed that children needed to suffer if they

were

to

remember

this, too,

gestures

to

do something

often subconsciously, and

when we

pital.

hoy,

A

doctor

The

hoy,

^'1

seriously injured,

Our

was rushed

to the

hos-

into the operating room, looked at the

He's

can't operate on this hoy.

How do you explain this? boy's mother.

our tone of voice and

were in an automobile accident. The father was

who was

washed up, walked

and exclaimed,

affects

discipline children.

A father and his son killed instantly.

Many of us believe

differently. it

The answer

is

my son!"

the doctor was the

subconscious belief might make us assume the

doctor was a man. If I had asked you,

"Do you

believe

all

doctors

are men?" you would probably have answered, "Of course not." But your subconscious belief, and not your common sense, sup-

plied the first answer.

Likewise,

when we

disciphne children,

our subconscious behef that children must

we

often operate from

suffer in order to learn.

"

There was a hoy refused to

wash

in

summer camp whose mother asked for

hands

his

before meals.

the child arrived at camp, I said to it's

your business

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

126

"

She was

him

not, but

now on

to the table

When

of voice, "Tom,

when you come

with dirty hands, you pass germs around. I don't want

table

unless you have a better idea, from

Her son

quite irritated by this.

in a friendly tone

if you wash your hands or

help.

to

to the

get sick. So,

I will only serve people

who come

with clean hands.

That very afternoon Tom put me

to the test

by coming

to the table

with

dirt

on his hands. I calmly reached across the table and removed his plate.

Do

you know what that kid did?

He sat

right across from

through the whole meal. I was boiling inside!

He appeared

me and smiled not

to care that

he wasn't eating. Finally, in a gruff voice I said, ''You know, you're not getting anything to eat until dinner time! I

said the

become

wrong

thing!

punishment.

a

struggle he

had with

his

I

The outcome of his behavior had

was

now

mother.

involved in the same power

The

thing that got

was, without being consciously aware of it,

I

me into trouble

believed that if Tom

didn't suffer, he wouldn't learn.

When your she'll

child sees your intent

become more

is

not to make her

suffer,

cooperative.

Choose

closeness with

your child

Concentrate on developing closeness in your relationship with your child.

Don't concern yourself with

who

is

"right" or

"wrong" or

whether or not you're in control. The top priority should be to understand your feelings and your child's feelings. The choices you

make to

redirect

effective.

The

your

more appropriate and where there is no relationship

behavior will be

application of rules

results in rebellion.

or close?"

child's

Ask yourself, "Do I want

to

be

right, in control,

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

127

Self-quieting Time-out

is

a

common

discipline tool that

becomes punishment

when a parent uses it in an angry manner and as a way to child.

For example, "I'm sick and

room and

stay there until

tired

sending her child away in anger.

is

of your whining!

you can behave!" Notice

control her

Go to your

that the parent

The message her

child receives

want you to go away." When the parent is in control of when her child comes out of her room, the child does

is,

"I don't like you.

I

When time-out is seen as punishment, the She doesn't think about what to do differently

not learn self-control. child feels resentful.

in the future. Instead, her thoughts are, "This

Mom isn't fair!" Time-out loses

its

is

effectiveness

stupid!

when

I'm angry! it

becomes

punishment. Self-quieting, on the other hand, teaches internal control

and

self-responsibility.

what you, or your child, can do to get to a peaceful state of mind where you can work through emotions and find solutions to your problem. Parents need to show children that they don't have to make someone else do something, but can turn Self-quieting

is

within to find solutions and peace. Create a self-quieting space with your child. This space doesn't

have to be your child's bedroom.

study, a corner tucked

outside.

Help your

It

could be in the kitchen, the

away somewhere,

or,

weather permitting,

child find things to bring to her self-quieting

space that help her quiet herself and

work through her

feelings.

A

tape player with peaceful music, books, play dough, colors, tool

bench, or a tree stump with a

hammer and

nails are possibilities.

Children will learn self-quieting most effectively

few times, you might even go quieting space with them and show them what to do.

it

for

them. For the

first

Place three questions • • •

on the wall

if you

model

to their self-

in each self-quieting space:

What is the problem? What is my part in the problem? What is one thing I can do to improve

the situation?

The

following

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

128

a

is

list

when you

of things to do

ask your child

to take a self-quieting break: •

Get on the

child's level, eye to eye,

and speak calmly and

lovingly. •

Say to him,

"It

quieting place.

move on

•

•

Come

back

child.

If your child

does not leave, pick

and lovingly

to his self-quieting space.

If your child

comes back and

behavior

room

is

a

When you

tell

"Come

your

him

him up

Be

your

self-

ready to

patient

and

"Come

from an

him

gently

him

stay.

him back to his space to take him out of the

You may have

child,

to act

or lead

acts appropriately, let

not appropriate, take

word.

several times.

you're teaching

to

when you're calm and

once to your

If his

Go

or resolve the problem." Say this once, and only

without saying

say,

looks like you need a break.

persistent.

back

when you're

ready,"

internal sense of control. If you

out in five minutes," you have decided

when

he's

ready.

When my

son Tyler was two and a half years

friends overfor dinner.

asked him

to stop.

At dinner,

"You may come back when you're to act

inappropriately. I picked

the

He

to

He came

ready.

room. This time I didn't say a thing. priately.

I had invited some

Tyler started acting inappropriately. Ifirst

He calmed down for a few seconds and

behave again. I gently picked him up and took him

continued

old,

then began

to

mis-

another room. I said,

back immediately and

him up and took him out of the came in again and acted inappro-

This time his father took him out.

We

must have taken him out of

room fourteen times. After the fourteenth time, Tyler sat for a whole

hour at the

table

without being inappropriate.

Couples have an advantage when they agree to use the same

method because they can take turns with a persistent child. You may think, "Fourteen times! Who has the time to do that?!" Yes, it took patience to do this the first time, but the more I used the method, the more quickly Tyler responded. discipline

"

"

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

129

You may want to devise a signal or use a special word to give when you notice that self-quieting is needed. One family I know uses the peace sign of the '60's. A preschool calls the self-quieting room their "happy place," because the children go each other

there to collect their thoughts and return to the group in a happy

frame of mind. If your child's goal tle

is

revenge or power, you

with him about taking

may get into

a self-quieting break. Stop

a bat-

what you're

doing and take the self-quieting break yourself

Setting limits your family under what condition you are willing or They signify where you "draw the line." They tell people what you will or will not tolerate. The purpose of limits is to take care of you. Limits are not designed to Limits

tell

unwilling to do something.

someone

control or manipulate

Mother was playing were getting competitive, ''It's

not fun for

again,

else's

behavior.

basketball with her two teenage sons.

me when you two fight. When

come and get me.

The

boys

and soon the game was no fun. Mother announced

Vd

love to

play again.

you're ready

to

make

it

y

fun

''

c / was holding hands and

roller

skating with

my

daughter.

She

said in a

very demanding tone of voice, ''Skatefaster I" This wasn't thefirst time I had

noticed she

was being demanding,

talk like that to me. It

continue,

I'll

so I said,

makes me feel

"I'm unwilling

like not cooperating

to

have you

with you. If you

skate by myself.

C Nita asked

Mom

to

take her

to the

She had already spent her allowance for ing to take you to the video store, but

video store

the week.

and

rent her a movie.

Mom said,

I'm unwilling

to

"Vd

be will-

rent you a movie.

Redirecting

130

Children's

Behavior

Limits give others important information about you to help them know what they can or cannot expect from you. Limits are about your needs, not about criticizing someone else's behavior or about trying to make them act in a certain way.

Why do children need limits? Children need limits so they can learn to recognize and respect other people's limits. Limits provide a sense of security,

Without them, children

feel

abandoned and confused, and some-

times misbehave in order to find limits. Limits

we

that

as well.

make

children feel

care about them.

Children need limits to learn

how

to deal

with conflict, too.

What happens when they disregard someone's limits? What happens when someone disrespects theirs? Children need limits to help them define themselves. Limits help your children set their own as they watch you model asserting yours.

Limits help children learn what

need

to learn that if they

sequences.

go

is

socially acceptable.

past a certain point, there will

They

be con-

Some may be serious, such as getting in trouble with the law.

When

are limits needed}

Some common limits you may want

to set

concern the use of your

belongings, radio and television, bedtime, your time, profanity,

mealtime, chores, care and feeding of pets, and

complete

your

list

by any means. Add

to

it

car.

This

is

not a

things that are important in

family.

Violations oj limits

The

best clue to

feel. If you feel

whether or not your

limits are violated

is

how you

any of these emotions, your limits are being dis-

honored, or you're not clear about them:

angry

abused

resentful

smothered

overburdened

unappreciated

taken advantage of

torn between people you love

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

131

Why is it hard to set limits? Your by

ability to set limits

how you were

and follow through

parented

is

Children

as a child.

largely

who

determined

had no

limits

set for them or were unsupervised much of the time grow up not knowing how to set their own limits. Children who suffered put downs like, "Don't make waves," "Children should be seen and

not heard," and "You're being selfish" also have trouble setting limits.

Girls, especially,

selves

who were

told

it

wasn't proper to assert them-

have a hard time feeling worthy of setting

homes-mental, physical, emotional,

limits.

in

sexual, drugs or alcohol, or

work-all violate limits and keep people from learning them. Intimidation and fear also do not allow limit

how

to set

setting.

Limits are difficult to set in situations where there illness

Abuse

is

serious

or disability. If self-sacrifice was modeled and expected of

you, limits are even harder to

set

and observe.

It is

almost impossi-

your feelings of being overwhelmed with the expectation that you will care for someone else as long and as much

ble to reconcile

as

they need.

It

doesn't matter if the person doesn't ask self-sacrifice

of you, but rather what the expectation was that you grew up with

you on a basic level. Sometimes we don't set limits because we don't feel we deserve them. Or we feel guilty about our own actions, such as working too

that has conditioned

much

or getting divorced.

Parents often don't set limits because they're afraid of conflict.

Perhaps the child will get angry and reject the parent or leave. Par-

may

ents

think that setting

a limit

won't make any difference.

Instead of directly setting limits, sometimes as if nothing

we handle problems by:

happened

•

Acting or pretending

•

Ignoring and hoping the problem will go away

(denial)

•

Talking ourselves out of our feelings

•

Making excuses for another person's behavior Going over and over the event, trying to make Blaming ourselves or someone else

• •

sense of it

132

Children's

Redirecting

•

•

Behavior

Getting even with the other person Feehng Hke we're above having those feeHngs

we

•

Pretending that

•

Withholding love or communication

What to When you first will get worse.

their

make

power

don't care

expect

when you

start to set limits,

Children will

to get

you

to

sure your seat belt

test

expect that your child's behavior you.

go back to

is

begin to set limits

They will try everything in the way you used to be. So,

fastened-you're off on a wild ride!

Steps for setting limits 1.

Honor your feelings. Remember feelings nor wrong. They just

2.

Be

clear about

are neither right

are.

what you want, and what you're

will-

ing to do or not do. 3. Tell

your family, using an "I" statement.

shame, lay on

soon 4.

guilt, exaggerate,

as possible to

or complain.

prevent becoming unnecessarily resentful.

Be ready to

"stick to your guns."

through.

imperative that you do what you

It is

Be

don't, children learn that parents are

The sooner you

Do not blame, Do this step as

consistent and follow

all

talk

say.

When you

and no action.

take action, the sooner your child will recog-

nize his limits.

Dad and his

two-year-old son were in a donut shop.

dering around in front of the doorway.

hurt himself or become a nuisance ''Michael,

continued

come to

here!''

The hoy was wan-

Dad was concerned that his son might to the customers entering. He said,

Michael seemed

to

enjoy his act of defiance, and

absorb himself in the commotion around the door.

demanded, ''Michael, come here right now or we're leaving!'' picked up his son and brought him over the door

to the table.

when he could wiggle awayfrom Dad's

Again Dad Dad finally

Michael went back

clutches.

to

Dad yelled, "Now,

Redirecting

Michael, .

.

Vm

not going

to tell

Children's

Behavior

you again, Michael, get away from that

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.

.

He

full attention.

beside

him

door.

MICHAEL!"

Dad never did follow through with his promise words would have been

133

to leave. Dad's

had given the situation

effective if he

his

could have given Michael the choice of staying

or leaving the donut shop after his

ignored. If the child hadn't

come away from

request was

first

the door,

Dad

should

have immediately followed through by picking his child up and leaving the shop.

means what he

Then Michael would have learned that Dad Dad doesn't want to leave, then he shouldn't

says. If

give Michael that choice.

Whenever you

you don't intend to honor, do not follow through, your child will test you. It will become more and more difficult to establish limits. Think carefully (if quickly!) before you set a limit to you

are threatening

give a choice that

your

child.

When you

be sure you can follow through and enforce it.

Remember,

it is

normal

it

when your child tests

for children to test limits.

Consequences Two

types of "consequences" are useful in disciplining children.

One

is

called a natural consequence, in

child's action

ference

is

whatever will happen

from anyone. The other

is

which the

naturally,

a logical

result

of the

without any inter-

consequence, in which

the response to the child's action derives from something the parent causes to happen.

Use of natural consequences do anything?" That result is a natural consequence. If you take action when you don't need to, you rob your child of the chance to experience the nat-

Ask

yourself,

"What would happen

if

I

didn't

Behavior

Children's

134

Redirecting

ural

consequences of his actions. Natural consequences are very

effective teachers.

You can eHminate friction by letting natural consequences take their course because you don't have to nag and remind. The situation itself discipHnes your child.

Mother recognized

that her twelve-year-oldJenny

Mother had heard

offorgetting things. Luckily,

who always forgets

One

to school the

remembers.

skirt for a

day and forgot

Jenny had forgotten and

to

take the skirt with her.

resisted the

natural consequences take

temptation

bring the skirt

to school.

Mother

Vm unwilling to do

Jenny got

that,

said,

class.

take the skirt

to

Mother

remind

if she

comment

to

"No,

the subject.

had brought

"See what happens when you forget? critical

she

asking her

told her, in a very friendly voice,

a lesson in remembering out of this experience.

focused on Mother's

noticed that

her. Instead,

call from Jenny

and changed

have ruined the learning experience

had

to

effect.

Later that day. Mother received a phone

Jenny,

home economics

home and was supposed

the final touches at

next morning. However, Jenny was in a hurry leavingfor school

the following

let

was making a

afternoon, Jenny

She was adding

who always

has a parent

had developed a habit

the expression, ''A child

rather than

Mother would

the skirt to Jenny or

Then Jenny

could have

on her own responsibilityfor

remembering.

Natural consequences are more effective than logical consequences, in w^hich you

up the disciplinary action. How^ever, w^ould want to use a logical of a natural one. They are: set

there are three situations

consequence instead •

When

when you

the natural consequence

would be hazardous

to the

well-being of your child. For example, a natural consequence

of playing in the •

When

street

is

she

hit

by

a car.

the natural consequence interferes with your rights

or the rights of others, such

music

would be

at a

loud volume even

as

when a teen continues

after

to play

he has been asked to turn it

down. •

When the

effects

of the natural consequence are too long

Redirecting

Children's

range for the child to connect cause and the natural consequence for a child teeth

is

logical

If self-quieting, setting limits,

who

For example,

does not brush his

consequences

and natural consequences have not problem, you must recognize

effective disciplinary tools to solve a particular

may need

to use a logical consequence.

the logic of the discipline in order for

common quence

Your

it

to

mistake for parents to connect

that has

Your

rebel.

child

be a

effective. It's a

misdeed

very

to a conse-

no relevance whatsoever. For example, taking away

television privileges for breaking a offense.

and

effect.

135

cavities.

Use of

been

Behavior

child

is

more

window is

not relevant to the

likely to believe she's

being punished,

On the other hand, it would be logical for a child to do mow lawns) to help pay for the new window pane.

chores (such as

Your

child

is

not being punished, but

is

instead learning to repair

his mistake.

For logical consequences to be effective, they must incorporate the following "3 R's of logical consequences." These are: respectful, reasonable,

and

related.

Respectful Always show respect

for

your

child.

Allow him

as

possible into the determination of the consequence. that causes

your child to

feel guilt

much

input

as

Avoid anything

or shame so that he doesn't view

the consequence as a punishment.

Reasonable Consequences

that are excessive or harsh cause

on what he perceives take.

as

your child to focus

punishment, instead of repairing

He's likely to react in

a revengeful

way.

his

mis-

136

Children's

Redirecting

Behavior

Related The consequence needs makes

a mess,

he cleans

to be related to it

your

child's mistake. If he

up. If he hurts someone, he tries to ease

the pain. If he damages something, he repairs or replaces

it.

Remember that punishment results in anger and resentment, while logical

consequences teach him to be responsible for his mistakes.

Logical consequences relate to future behavior Logical consequences are set up to improve future behavior, not to

punish past behavior. to develop logical

If you are in the

consequences

middle of a conflict, don't try

at that time. All you'll

be able to

think of is a "logical punishment" because you're probably upset. Instead, step out

of the conflict and take time to calm down. Then,

during a peaceful time, take out the logical consequences worksheet

on the next page and go through the steps with your child. Notice that this process is the same as the "Steps for Conflict Resolution" (see pages 71-72), except steps one and seven. The reason for thinking of three things you love about your child is because you're probably feeling angry with your child. It's extremely difficult to think of enjoyable, creative solutions you're angry. that

you

The purpose of step one

will think

is

to

when

change your attitude so

of a consequence instead of a punishment.

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

137

Logical Consequences Worksheet you love about your

1.

List three things

2.

Ask your

3.

Write, "I want ..." Say what you want to have happen and why, simply and clearly, without guilt, blame, shame, and exaggerations.

4.

Ask your

5.

Brainstorm a list of possible solutions with your child on a separate sheet of paper.

6.

Create a solution to the problem from the

child's permission for consequence together.

child

child.

a particular

time to work out

what he or she wants and why. Write

that

a logical

down,

too.

list. Let your child cross off then you do the same. Choose one suggestion or a combination of suggestions you both like and write it

unacceptable solutions

first,

down.

7.

8.

Acknowledge your child for cooperating. Say, "Thanks for working this out with me. What should I do if you happen to forget?" Now come up with a logical consequence using either your child's suggestion, which works best, or your suggestion. Once you have discussed and agreed on a logical consequence, write it down.

After you have used the logical consequence for

a

certain time, ask

and me? Do I "Did I get results that were good for my the process can start need to improve the logical consequence?" You than one more all over again, if necessary. Sometimes you need to try

yourself,

solution.

child

"

Dad

bought his two boys

seemed able

to

Behavior

Children's

Redirecting

138

new

and

Dad decided to

who were

threats from the parents,

this a

good time

He told the boys

try a logical consequence, instead.

to talk?'' ''Yeah,''

Neither boy

at their wits^ end.

he was feeling calm andfriendly), ^'There's a situation

noticed I've been bugging

locks.

his bike, in spite ofpunishment,

get in the habit of locking up

rewards, bribes,

and

bicycles, helmets,

Vd

Dad

said the boys.

continued, ''I've

you guys about locking your bikes. That makes you

mad, doesn't it?" The boys looked puzzled and answered with some tion,

"Yeah

.

.

"I think I've figured out

I gave you the bikes

and I'm not

ideas about

The that

how I can

boys told

would

replied,

and

stolen.

willing to

solve

Dad

why

I have a problem. I realize

they're yours. It's really not

having them

to risk

expensive,

hesita-

."

Dad went on, choose

(when

like to change. Is

my

business if you

However, I would feel bad. They were

buy two more

my problem?

bikes.

Do you guys have any

"

they would lock up the bikes.

Dad said,

"Thanks,

What should I do if you forget?" Both boys how about I lock them up if you forget?"

solve the problem.

"I don't know. " "Well,

asked Dad. "Okay, " said the boys. "We'll try that for a few weeks and see

how

it

works. If you boys think of a better idea, we'll talk about

it,

" said their

dad.

A few

mornings

later,

Tom came

"Somebody chained our bikes to

running into the house shouting,

His

to the porch!"

mom resisted the temptation

explain and, instead, simply smiled and gave him a pat on the shoulder.

Five minutes lock

later,

Tom came

back inside, saying, "I locked

Mom

now. Would you take the chain off?"

"Dad

has the key and he's at work. "

school?"

Mom said lovingly,

Tom

"Sorry, that

my bike with my

replied in a friendly tone,

asked, "Will you drive us to

would make me

Tom and his brother had to walk to school that morning. When Dad came home and found both boys had locked removed the chain. About two weeks chained the bikes

to the

porch.

From

later,

that

late to

work.

their bikes,

the boys forgot again,

and

he

Dad

day on, the boys remembered

to

lock their bikes.

Logical consequences can also be set without using steps 5 and

6 on the previous page (Logical Consequences Worksheet).

Mom called,

"Sue, do you have a minute?" "Sure,

Mom, " said Sue.

Redirecting

'7 have something

and I bet

that

like to change.

reason

Vm yelling

Mom said, what

to do.

my problem? Sue how

''Well,

You can choose

haven't taken

it

In other words,

that

is

out the garbage and Ifeel like I have

I could do about

Fve been

bad, " said Mom.

makes you feel

"The

continued,

Fd

Children's

to

do

Behavior

you a

yelling at

Sue answered,

some days you

all the

work.

139

lot lately

''Yeah. "

Mom

decide not to take

What

do you think

mumbled, '7 don H know.

about I try

this.

I don't want

to be telling

you

take the garbage out or not. If by 4 p.m. you

to

out, then III do

it

instead of driving you to soccer practice.

Vm willing to be the chauffeur or the garbage person,

both. Is that

okay with you?'' Sue answered, "Oh,

garbage out. "

Mom said,

"Thanks

a

lot,

Mom,

but not

take the

I'll

What should I

that will help me.

do if some morning you forget? We all forget sometimes. " Sue said, "Nothing. " "I'm unwilling to do nothing. about we try what I've suggested?

How

If you think of a different plan, out, "

let

me know and we'll see what we

can work

answered Mom.

If you create a logical

consequence and discover that

it

isn't

working, and maybe the problem has worsened, then perhaps you really are

using punishment.

My experience

shows that the most

effective

have outcomes the child actually enjoys. This children

who

is

consequences

especially true

with

have the goals of revenge or power.

What children may say Parents can increase the likelihood of working out effective logical

know how to handle kids' responses to may say, "I don't know" when asked for ideas. You can say, "Then how about we try this and if you think of a different plan, let me know. We'll see what we can work out." Some children may want a solution you don't like. Is so, say, consequences

when

they

the process. Children

.

"I'm unwilling to do If your child has

"If I don't clean

that.

.

.

Do you have another suggestion?"

been accustomed

to

punishment, he may

say,

my room, you can spank me." You're trying a new

you may say, "I'm unwilling to hurt you. What else do you suggest?" Don't be fooled into thinking that if he selects a punishment, that makes it okay.

way to

discipline, so

Children's

Redirecting

140

Behavior

consequence and you agree

If your child suggests a reasonable

to

it,

say, "I'll try that for a

week. Thanks."

will not repeat the offense, or mistake, his

word,

say,

would you

By in,

If he declares that

and he's not good

at

keeping

What

"Thanks. That will make things better for me.

like

me

do

to

if you

break

the way, if you just read the

you should know

that change

is

this

he

agreement?"

Worksheet without

filling

it

much more likely when you down what you decide to do.

take the time think through and write

Ulini-looical It is

consequences

sometimes expedient for a parent to apply a

logical

without going through the planning process and using

consequence a

worksheet.

When you, the parent alone, apply a mini-logical consequence, you do something example,

Mom

that

put them

logical consequence.

ing.

logically related to

milk,

your

child's behavior.

you hand him

was continually nagging her two children

socks before they

two weeks,

is

if your child spills his

in the clothes

all the rolled

to unroll their dirty

hamper. She decided

She simply didn't wash up socks were still

For

a dishrag.

to try

a mini-

socks that were rolled up. After

in the

hamper and Mom

A few days later she noticed that all the socks were

still

in the

said noth-

hamper, hut

someone had unrolled them. From that day on, both kids were more

diligent

about unrolling their socks, and a word had never been spoken. The family

atmosphere had not been disturbed and the kids didn't feel bossed around.

They

cooperated.

Redirecting

Summdry

Children's

Behavior

141

of consequences

Natural consequences

A natural consequence flows

out of events.

The

parent does not

do anything to interfere, arrange, or impose.

Logical consequences upon a mutually agreeable

Parent and child meet together to decide solution to a problem.

The consequence

child's behavior. Logical

is

logically related to the

consequences are used

when

a

good

rela-

tionship exists between parent and child.

Mini-logical consequences Parent makes an impromptu decision without discussing with the child,

The consequence

and

applied.

is

is

logically related to the child's behavior

Results of discipline To make

you are on target with discipline and your child is learning what you wish her to learn, ask yourself these questions:

•

sure

What happens angry?

Do

to

your child

after she's disciplined? Is she

you see her trying to get back

handed way?

Is

she fully cooperating or

is

you in an undershe withdrawn and

at

sullen? •

What happens

•

Does she

feel

to her self-esteem?

empowered

Is it

lowered or enhanced?

to repair her mistake?

Redirecting

Children's

Does she become more

Behavior

externally motivated or internally

motivated?

What happens

to

your relationship?

Is

communication better?

discipline, will she be more or less likely to you about her mistakes in the future? Will she be too afraid? Did you win the battle (get the child to do what you wanted) and lose the war (dampen your deHcate relationship)?

Because of your tell

Does

the interaction encourage your child to discuss her

wants and feelings?

Or

does she become hesitant to express

her feelings or opinions?

Does the interaction improve her ability a way that allows both of you to win?

Does she

learn about her behavior in a

increased choices? at aU?

to solve conflicts in

Or

way

that provides

does she learn that she has no choice

Siblings: Ular

Peace?

or

c.

activity

provokes more frustration

and anger in parents than

no

Parents try

many ways

sibling fights.

to stop

them,

but without apparent success. Sometimes,

you can

progress, but nothing

stop the fight that's in

you do seems

effective

in preventing the fights that will start

row.

Parents

often

tolerate

fighting as inevitable.

problems in our

With

tomor-

and accept all

the other

lives, sibling fights

don't get

the problem-solving attention they deserve.

However, when you look globally happens

when people

see war.

what

fight over possessions,

territory, philosophies, resources,

you

at

and

race,

We need to practice a new way

Redirecting

144

Children's

Behavior

of being that creates peace, and the place to It

may seem

start is in

our famiHes.

extreme to compare our children's fights to

a bit

war. However, our children are the future leaders of the world.

Wouldn't

it

be great

if they

learned win/win negotiation

childhood, and then could bring these

skills

skills

in

into our governments?

Parents have a tremendous opportunity to contribute to peace

by dealing with children's

fights so that children learn to solve their

differences in a peaceful manner.

peacefulness and cooperation.

and homes of our

homes,

it

munity,

will

families.

We need to encourage values of

World peace begins

in the hearts

When the consciousness changes in our

change in our governments and in our world com-

as well.

Techniques to help prevent problems Children can learn

Home is

lems. skills

a

a

number of nonviolent ways

good

to prevent prob-

place to begin learning and practicing these

with your help.

Demonstrate

self-control

and relaxation

A good place to start learning peaceful ways to solve problems is to take care of the mental and physical response to anger. Teach your

child to breathe deeply in through his nose

mouth

to the

count often

when he

and give him time to think before nique yourself and,

at

and out through

feels angry.

acting.

his

This will relax him

Model using

this tech-

the same time, express your emotions clearly

and calmly.

Encourage assertiveness Some

children are taken advantage of because they don't stand up

for themselves; then they

become

angry. Teach your unassertive

child to yell, "Stop it!" in an ever louder voice (this for her to

do

at first), until

the offender backs off.

may be

hard

Another tech-

Redirecting

nique

is

for

Children's

your child to hold out her hand and

Behavior

"This

say,

space," in a loud voice. Unassertive children often use quiet, voices, so

you may have

to help

your child practice using

145

is

my

whiny

a strong

voice.

Show how Many problems among same

It

siblings arise

toy, or ball, or clothes, or

Teach children

how

and

to take turns

trade

when both want

to use the

whatever (depending on their

to take turns or to trade

one thing

helps to use an impartial aid like a timer to

long she has to wait before she gets

a

let a

for another.

child

know how

how long the

turn and

ages).

other

child gets to play with or use the object.

Teach children Teach your children to a

say,

care

to consider each other's feelings.

problem they decide on needs

could

how to

"Eric looks sad.

Any

solution

You him feel

to take feelings into account.

What could you do

or say to help

better?"

Model respect and joy how to join

Children need to learn positive. Aggressive or

whiny

You can

dolls or

role play

trouble learning

with

how to

others in play in ways that are

children are not

puppets with

play with

others. Let

creatures,

and you be the third

Behave in ways

that are not acceptable

two

ferently.

Then play

that

way

in play

so

who and

welcome

a child

him

playmates.

who

is

having

or her play with

wants to join the fun.

talk

your child can

about what to do

dif-

practice.

Describe what you see and empathize Describe without judgment what you see occurring during the children's fight.

When you bring to

their conscious awareness

they're doing, they then can choose if they

want

what

to continue. If you

speak judgmentally, the children are likely to become defensive.

"

Redirecting

146

Children's

Behavior

Concentrate on win/win negotiation Teach children

means

tiation

may be

to negotiate a solution to their differences.

that

A nego-

both kids get what they want and need, though

end of the negotiation than what they thought it to be when they began. Negotiation is different from compromise, in which neither child is satisfied and may be more concerned with what he gave up than what he got. this

different at the

Children can't negotiate in the heat of anger. or

become angry

their differences

again, stop negotiating

If they are angry,

and go back

to describing

and empathizing with them until they calm down.

Teamwork and

cooperation are essential tools

of negotiation. Say,

what we can do by working together. How good are you teamwork?" You want to minimize competition, so avoid

"Let's see

guys

at

saying, "Let's see

who can do this first."

Noncompetitive games can

help children get used to the idea of both winning.

Put

children in the

same boat

[Crash!]

Mother rushed downstairs ^'All right,

who

''Mike did ^7 did not, you it

when you

it,

liar.

You did

Now,

lie.

said,

should rest

better.

children.

tell

" screamed Mike. ''You both

it,

know how I hate

me, which one of you broke the lamp? ''demanded

own up

"You always seem

know

herfavorite lamp in pieces on thefloor.

demanded of her two

volunteered Sarah, pointing herfinger accusingly at him.

Mother. Neither would

and

to find

did this?^' she

to the deed. Finally,

to

Now, you

get into trouble clean

up

Mother turned

and you're

the mess,

and no

to

Mike

the oldest.

TVfor you

You the

young man!"

of the week,

This mother has given her children negative information rather than positive

with

skills.

She needs

to

go back upstairs and come

down

a fresh viewpoint.

[Crash!]

Mother rushed downstairs She felt very

to find

angry, so she stopped

down. She said

to the children,

herfavorite lamp in pieces on thefloor.

and took

ten deep breaths until she calmed

"It looks like

you two had an

accident.

"

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

Before she could say anything more, both kids began

Mother put her arms around ken. It doesn't matter

both of them

who

broke

it.

and said,

to

147

accuse the other.

'Tm sad my lamp

bro-

is

I wonder if you two would like some

help cleaning up the pieces?

After the three of them cleaned up the mess, two of you be willing

mas it,

to

help

pay for

to contribute fifty cents

the lamp?'' ''But,

a

Mom,

Mom said,

week from now

make Mike payfor it. He

broke

tions, let

me know.

it,

want

the

that's not fair! I didn't break

" wailed Sarah. ''Do you have a better idea?"

willing to do that. I don't

"Would

until Christ-

Mother

asked. "Yeah,

" Sarah said. Mother responded, "I'm not

to

take sides. If you have any other sugges-

In the meantime,

I'll

deduct fifty cents from both of your

allowances.

You might be fair to

be

saying right

both children. There

effective.

them both

She chose

is

now that no way

the mother's action isn't

to

be

fair;

to put the children in the

there

a

is

made

responsible for the accident. Neither child was

feel special, either for

way

being good or being bad. The child who

troublemaker often changes his or her behavior longer gets special attention for

it.

to

same boat and hold

when he

Furthermore,

this

is

to

the

or she no

mother mod-

eled handling anger in a clear and calm manner. / was driving the camp van

when two campers began

say a word, but looked for a safe place out,

and

sat

down on

the hillside.

"What's wrong?" I said,

Soon

all the

of the kids came

The boy

ran back

boys called out,

"Come

ment. " I got back in the van another argument erupted.

I didn't

pull the van over. I stopped, got to

me and

"It's discouraging to listen to arguing, so

ing until you're finished. " others.

to

One

to argue.

to the

As soon as I began

to

On

I'm wait-

van and reported

on back.

and we continued.

asked,

We solved

the

way

back

to the

the arguto

camp,

slow down, the boys stopped

fighting.

Sometimes

it is

neither safe nor convenient to stop the car when

you may have to do something different. One dad told his children that he would turn around and go home if they didn't stop arguing by the time he reached the stoplight. They didn't stop, so he kept his word and turned around. If you want kids to learn, follow through instead of making idle threats. children fight. In that case,

Redirecting

148

Children's

Behavior

Set the stage for peace in

You need

your family you can Sometimes nothing more is

to set the stage for peaceful interaction before

teach the kids

how to

needed. There are

solve differences.

at least six

important things you can do.

Stay out of the fight Sometimes is

a parent's best response to a fight

is

particularly true if the children are fighting to get

tion.

You

will

need

to teach

appropriately, but for

them how

now you want

to

to get

of it. This

to stay out

your atten-

your attention more

remove yourself from

their

vicinity so that they will quit fighting. If you're

worried that the children might damage something

in the house, firmly

and gently guide them outside.

If you think

they might hurt each other, remain silently vigilant in an out-of-

the-way hands

spot.

silently

Remove any weapons and

their

gently.

Leave the area or the house altogether

enough. Don't say anything

them

from

(sticks, toys, etc.)

to feel guilty,

as

if

the kids are old

you go, because you don't want

nor do you want them to

feel that

they have

power over you.

My sister and I used to fight when we were children. lots

of ideas

to

kiss (^^Yuckr')

and make

moment, we were mother

left

still

up.

We wanted to surprise her,

the

Orw day, during a fight, my When we realized she was gone,

other.

uncomfortable ourfighting was for us and

we were of her. We

tried

making us

Even though we stopped fighting for

angry with each

the house without saying a word.

we thought about how siderate

Our parents

get us to stop, including putting us in the corner or

quit fighting,

and we cleaned up

and make amends for discouraging

how

incon-

the kitchen.

her.

Mother's departure made more of an impact on us than pun-

ishment ever did. She left the choice to stop fighting up to us. While she was gone, we worked together, which brought us closer.

"

"

Redirecting

Act Sometimes

in

Children's

Behavior

149

an unexpected way

possible to dispel tension or a fight

by doing something unexpected. For example, if your children are calhng each other names, join in playfully. If they are starting to roughhouse too angrily,

it's

propose a walk or

a

game of ball

together.

Josh angrily yelled at Andrea, "You 're a stupid cowl hack, ''Well, you're a stupid

monkey

breath. "

after observing for a few seconds, said lightly, ''This

turned

to Josh,

They continued

is

Then he beckoned

as everyone took turns.

how creative andfunny

to

yelled

a great game, "

"You're a slimy, green piece of mildewed spaghetti

in the refrigerator!"

ing about

Andrea

Dad heard this exchange and

Andrea and

Minutes

later they

left

"Your

said,

were

all

and over

turn.

laugh-

they were.

Eliminate tattling Children

you

tattle to get

others in trouble, to get attention, or to get

to solve their problem. If you

them

themselves, or teach

tell

them

hurt.

I

problem

to get attention appropriately, they will

usually quit tattling. If your child says,

"That must

to solve their

"Mom, Jared

wonder how you'll handle

hit

me!"

say,

that?"

Deal with jealousy and anger It

seems impossible to keep children from feeling jealous of one

another because pret

we

can never control

what they hear and

see.

how

they're going to inter-

You can correct them when they think

you favor one over the other and you can minimize the discomfort ofjealousy, however. Teach your child that she is whole and complete in herself without being the same as her sibling. Jennifer complained

to

Mom, "Vm

not as smart as Nathan. "

Mom said,

important that you be the same. I love the fact that you are

differ-

ent from Nathan. Both of you are smart in your own, different ways.

Why

"It's not

would I want two Nathans? Besides, if you decide

amazed

Be

at

what you can

careful not to

you do not favor one

to

enjoy learning, you 'II be

do.

compare her

to her sibling; be careful that

child over another. Parents

who

try to

make

ISO

Redirecting

everything

fair for

Children's

Behavior

each child fight a losing battle, and give both chil-

dren the w^rong message that they are the same and should always have the same things. Children whose parents honor and nurture their individual differences feel less competitive

toward other

chil-

dren, even if they are jealous at times. Siblings get angry •

Forced to share

with one another when they toys, clothes,

equipment, space,

your child has some things he doesn't have •

meet each

can be hard best

you

Be

sure

to share.

child's

needs in an appropriate manner. This

if one sibling is

very

ill,

for example. Just

do the

Told they should not be angry with one another. This go away; they go underground and are

to intensify because they're never dealt

way.

my

angry with Jason right now."

Teach your son conflict resolution

Bring peace

let

skills.

to the fight

You need your children's attention in order to

teach

them new skills.

have dealt with the issues above and the kids are to creating a

likely

a healthy

really

loud. If he says, "I hate

understand that you're

with in

the

The

him say he's angry outbrother!" you can say, "I can

Empathize with your child's anger;

move on

is

teach their children to stuff their feelings.

feelings don't

If you

Be

can.

way parents

ing,

etc.

Feel like their needs take second place to their siblings'. sure to

•

are:

more peaceful atmosphere

still

fight-

so that they

can learn. Sit

or stoop

down

to the children's level

when

they're smaller

than you are. Touch them lovingly, perhaps by rubbing their backs. Look at each of them with acceptance, without judgment or anger. If they're fighting

over a toy, wait until they get calm and then hold

out your hand for the object that they're fighting over. After they

you the object, tell them, "You may have the toy back when the two of you have come to agreement about it." Then leave the room

give

"

""

Redirecting

with the toy and skills.

let

Children's

them work out

Don't use intimidation

saying, "You're driving

me

"

"

their

Behavior

problem

them

to get

"

if they

151

have the

to stop fighting.

Avoid

crazy with your fighting!" or, "If you

don't stop fighting, I'm going to lock you in your rooms!"

Jenny and Andrea

are fighting over a shirt,

Mother

fight they have often.

ent this time. Let's see

Jenny

Andrea screams

Jenny

"It looks like

describes,

to

as she hits, ''No, I

hits back, ''Quit hitting

Mom gets down on

it's

the kind of

how it goes:

''Give that shirt back

yells,

and

has decided to do something differ-

me!"

had

their level, strokes

you two are

Andrea, calming slightly, says:

it first!''

me! You're ripping

really

my shirt!"

them lovingly on

their backs,

and

angry with each other!"

"Mom, Jenny

took

my shirt again with-

out asking.

Mom empathizes, Jenny

"Yeah, she won't

replies,

Andrea don't wash

with one another.

me wear her shirt.

let

"Well, you never ask me. You just take

retorts,

it.

"It's difficult to share clothes

Then

it's

dirty

when I want

to

wear

it

and then you

it.

At this point, the girls are calm enough to pay attention when mother starts to teach them conflict resolution skills. Watch how careful she is to be nonjudgmental, to listen to both of them without taking sides, and to let them reach a solution themselves. Mom asks, "Well, Andrea, how could you both win? What do you their

think that Jenny wants?"

Andrea

says,

me

she wants

to

Mom asks, Jenny

says,

"She wants me

wash

it

when

Jenny

is

Jenny

to

wear her shirt and

through.

"So, if Andrea asks before she takes your shirt and she

she's done, then

you both will win?"

"Yeah, that's right."

replies,

...

when I want

"Yeah, she never asks!"

Mom suggests, want

when I'm

ask

"Is that accurate, Jenny?"

Mom suggests, washes

it

to

"Ask Andrea for

what you want. Say, 'What I

exactly

'

repeats,

and I want you

to

"Wliat I want

wash

it

is

for you

when you 're

done.

to

ask before you take

my shirt,

"

Redirecting

152

Children's

Andrea answers, ''Okay, I'd

Mom says,

"

Behavior

be willing to do that.

''Thanks for working that

out. I think it's great that you're

willing to share your clothes with each other.

The two girls have learned more by Mom doing a litde coaching than

had yelled

if she

at

them, or solved the problem

Sibling competition does not necessarily

the other. Another

where

area

way

to

compete

is

mean one

for

up on give up in an

child beats

one child

his sibling succeeds in order to avoid

herself.

to

comparison.

One

child

might excel in music and the other in

who

doesn't do well in the area of his sibling's expertise feels that

he doesn't have talent in that

With

practice,

he has only given up.

area. In reality,

he too could achieve in that

area, if he chooses.

Children can compete in other subtle ways.

"good" child and / have brother

a

"bad"

to confess that in

child. Listen to this

my family,

we were

day,

my

garage where there was a sledge hammer. I looked at

"Boy, that sure looks heavy, doesn't it?" it

He got a

and leaned over

hit

big grin

me

on

hisface

with that,

Vm

telling!"

hammer!" Mother

held

me

to

see that

"Yeah,

it

a

"bad"

child,

"Mommy, Andy

to

the

work on

be prepared for some surprises.

effective at

may

start to

said,

sure does.

with

hit

me

down, and then she

it.

with a lectured

whole thing.

sometimes the younger

and you decide

it

and

up and tapped me on the

sibling

innocent victim she pretends to be. If you have

ior,

brother

pick up the hammer. I said, "If

until I quieted

and spanked Andy. Ifelt pretty smug about

You can

He said,

He picked

shoulder. I ran into the house screaming, sledge

a

in back of the

really hurt if someone got hit

Tauntingly, I said, "I bet

you

You may have

woman's admission:

I was the ''good" girl and I had a

who was always getting punished. One

would

Often, the child

sports.

a

is

not the poor

"good" child and

the "bad" child's behav-

When your parenting becomes

changing the bad child's behavior, your "good" child misbehave. Believe

it

Pat yourself on the back because

or not, this it

making the behavior of both children turbed the equilibrium.

is

a sign

of progress.

means you have succeeded inappropriate.

You have

in

dis-

Putting

It flII

Togetlier

C.

are the steps to redirecting chil-

These dren's behavior that you have learned in reading this book.

The

material

is

gathered here in brief form to help you

remember skills that

the

new philosophy and

the

enable you to redirect children's

behavior for the benefit of everyone in your family.

1.

Establish and maintain a relation-

ship of acceptance and mutual respect with your child. ing connection with

Make

eye

a lov-

contact,

touch, and an accepting tone of voice.

Encourage your child her own opinions and

to express his or feelings.

154

Redirecting

Children's

Gain insight into your

2.

determine

makes you 3.

child's

his or her goal feel.

Behavior

by the way the

Refer to Chapter

Help your child

mistaken goal. You can child's behavior

6.

identify his or her mistaken goal in a

nonaccusing way. Children are often unaware of what they're doing. This step brings his or her goal to consciousness, and gives the child the

opportunity to make a different choice.

Speak in neutral terms,

like, "It feels like

you'd

some

like

"You have been really stubborn lately." work are, "Could it be that you want to

attention," instead of,

Other phrases

that

have a power struggle about this?"

or,

"I'm wondering

if you

want to be left alone?" or, "That hurts. Are you wanting to hurt me?" It is vital that your intention be one of understanding and curiosity, and not to get information to manipulate or control your child. If you are unable, for

whatever reason, to speak in

cusing way, skip step 3 because you will only

set

a

up

nonaca

power

struggle.

4.

Arrange or allow

a situation that

makes your

child's

goal inappropriate. Techniques that you can use to make child's

a

behavior inappropriate are natural and logical conse-

quences, doing the unexpected, and using signals. 5.

Redirect behavior by providing opportunities

for

your

child to:

•

Be powerful in appropriate ways Be helpful, and recognize the value of feeling worthwhile Be cooperative, and recognize how much more can be

•

Be

•

comes from being involved Do what he can to make the

• •

achieved by working a participant,

as a

team

and recognize the variety and fun situation

more enjoyable

that

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

155

Learn that problems don't need to be "fixed," but only

•

improved.

This step ior,

is

essential because, if you just stop their

children will misbehave again since

misbehav-

you have only worked

on the symptom and not the cause of the behavior. Positive action gives the child somewhere to rechannel that negative energy.

Our children, our future The way we parent will, society.

to a large extent, determine the future of our

We have a choice: to parent in a way that teaches our children

to be uncooperative, self-serving, irresponsible,

to raise children

who

hold values deeply, are compassionate, and

maintain and nurture close relationships. I

do not intend

no one.

to

make you

My intention, instead,

your actions

affect

and unconnected, or

our entire

The

feel guilty—as

is

to increase

society.

choice

is

ours.

we know,

guilt serves

your awareness of how

strongly urge that you

I

become

more conscious. Don't settle for less than you can do! Set goals for the way you want your family to be, and then consciously create the family of your heart's deepest desire.

extremely capable and creative. The

book

tells

me

of your concern, and

commitment. It is no easy tle

I

You and your

fact that

you

are reading this

applaud and appreciate your

task to change old patterns.

Make

sure

you

with yourself. Find someone to support you—perhaps

friend, or a parenting class.

back into old,

less positive

family are

Without support,

it's all

are

gen-

a spouse, a

too easy to

slip

ways.

Most important of all, love one another and be good to one another. The individual members of your family can function Hke a battery, that

and support

is,

a collective,

that allows

do the things you need loving

all

of you to go out into the community and

to do.

someone and being

recharging source of encouragement

There

loved.

is

nothing more important than

Remember this.

Redirecting

156

Children's

(I

Child's

Behavior

Request

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

Hold me, touch me, snuggle me love that

often, for

it is

through your

flourish.

I

listen to me, take your time with me when you read Ham to me at night, for judge my importance by how important am to you. Be patient, understand me first, whenever possible help me to

Watch me,

Green Eggs and

I

I

what

get

interact

I

want, for

it is

through your interactions that

I

learn to

with others.

Don't be ness that

afraid to

be firm with me, for

it is

through your firm-

learn the courage to care.

I

Don't bribe me, reward me, or punish me,

for

you rob

me

of

my own internal voice. Don't hit me or yell at me, for this teaches me to use force to get

the opportunity to listen to

my way. my spirit is resilient. my footprints on your windshield, my

Forgive yourself quickly, for Instead of remembering

impish protests, and the hole discovered

of my I

I

put in the wall, remember the day

I

my shadow, my arms around your neck, and the delight

giggles.

will

remember your

butterfly kisses, your

open arms, danc-

ing in the rain with you, and the plastic frog you put under eggs at breakfast

more than

the toys and clothes

you bought

my for

me.

On our bad days, watch me while lashes,

I

sleep.

Marvel

at

my eye-

cheekbones, and fingertips, and remind yourself of how

much you

love me.

When given a choice, assume the best of me and expect the best for

me.

me fight my own battles, for it is here that develop my own strength and build my own character. Stand by me, but

I

let

Redirecting

Support in

Children's

my ever-changing dreams.

me v^hen I Trust me as

I

Behavior

need someone

157

to believe

don't. a teen,

should. Trust that

AlloM^

me

Lastly,

is

no evidence

me v^ell. who I am and make my life's

that

you

you have taught

to express

even though they

family, for

even though there

differ

decisions,

from yours.

make nothing other than God more important than our it is

here that

I

discover v^ho

I

am.

—Kathryn J. Kvoh

Appendix Common Behaviors: Ages 18 Months to

18 Years

hat follows

is

a

brief

sum-

mary of the normal behavof children

iors

ages.

at different

Sometimes when you why your child is

understand

doing what he's doing,

easier to

it's

muster up the patience to deal with the behavior. Also, their child

is

many

worry

parents

normal. Biting and hitting

are behaviors of

concern

to parents

two-year-olds. This behavior

normal lets a

if

for a toddler.

is

Knowing

quite

this fact

parent breathe a sigh of relief.

ever, just because the behavior

of

is

How-

normal

Redirecting

does not

at this stage

to

know

mean

that

that they will have to

it

Children's

Gesell Institute for

159

goes undisciplined. Parents need

do more educating and disciplining

during their child's early years. This

The

Behavior

is

also

very normal.

Human Development

suggest that

easy ages tend to alternate with difficult ages. Ages of equilib-

rium-inward looking, quiet, withdrawn— tend to be followed by ages of disequilibrium— outward looking, exuberant, expansive. Easier times are followed by more difficult times. A break-up of a calmer period usually is followed by a more mature stage of development. Don't get concerned if your child is ahead or behind these stages, or if the descriptions don't even resemble what your child does. Every child is an individual. One child may exhibit some of these behaviors while a sibling from the same family may not. There are many delightful qualities during each age that far outweigh the negatives, or challenges, you see here. However, this book concentrates on how to redirect misbehavior, so the information here

Read mation

is

particularly helpful in that regard.

the stage before and after your child's age for

that

may be

more

relevant to your situation.

18 Months Possible annoyingy normal behaviors Is

negative, says

"No"

often.

Does the opposite of what Does not want Often

is

requested.

to share; everything

hits, kicks,

and

Lacks patience, wants

is

bites. it

now.

Tests limits (can be quite exhausting).

May climb

out of crib.

Refuses to eat certain foods.

"my"

or "mine."

infor-

160

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

Regresses to baby food or bottle. Clings anxiously or walks away from parent.

Hates to see doors closed. Is

afraid

of strangers, including grandparents.

Notices and overreacts to small differences. Resists diaper change.

Sucks thumb; requires "blankie." Fears tubs and baths.

Explores genitalia. Tries to walk

Does not

Does not

away from parent whenever

possible.

play with other children; plays alongside or alone. sit

very long for cuddling;

stiffens

and

slides off lap.

2-Year-Olds Possible annoyingy normal behaviors Has

difficulty

know

making decisions; changes her mind even when you what is being offered.

she wants

Throws temper tantrums, which can be

Demands

that things

remain the same.

May favor one parent over the Is

violent.

other.

bossy and demanding.

May start to

Thumb

stutter.

sucking

may intensify.

Dawdles. Shifts

from being capable,

"Me do

it,"

to incapable,

it" quickly. Is easily

frustrated.

Does not Is

like to

be physically

restricted.

not interested in pleasing you.

"Mommy do

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

161

3-Year-Olds Possible

Hands may Is

annoy ingy normal behaviors

tremble.

confused about which hand to use.

Stutters.

May complain about problems with vision. Seems

like

nothing pleases him.

Makes commands Is

like,

"Don't look

at

me," "Don't

talk."

emotionally inconsistent, one minute shy, next minute too bold.

Indulges in nail biting,

thumb

sucking, picking his nose, and rub-

bing his genitals. Expresses

May be

fears.

cooperative with a baby

sitter

and

a

monster for you.

May quit napping. May still wet

the bed.

4-Year-Olds Possible annoying, normal behaviors Talks too much. Incessantly asks, Is

"Why?"

fascinated with

bowel movements.

Uses words related

to elimination, like

"poopoo head."

Swears and cusses.

Her demands can be annoyingly persistent. Excludes certain children from her

Wants

to

know exact details on

play.

difficult subjects.

162

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

5-Year-Olds Possible annoyingy normal behaviors Tends

to be brash, combative, indecisive,

overdemanding, and

explosive.

Becomes more challenging is

"Try and make me!"

a typical stance.

Once an emotional stopping

Has

in his rebellion,

outburst has started, he

may

have

a

hard time

it.

difficulty grasping a pencil

and may change grasps frequently.

Talks too much.

Has

difficulty admitting that

May take

things that don't belong to him.

Talks with his

He

he has done anything wrong.

mouth

full.

can dress himself, but frequently refuses or

May still

suck thumb, pick nose, bite

May clear throat frequently and make

says, "I can't."

nails.

clicking or smacking noises.

May be fascinated by fire; may want to start fires. 6-Year-OUs Possible annoyingy normal behaviors Is

extremely ambivalent; can't make up her mind.

Reverses numbers and

Wants Failure

Has Is

to be the is

first,

letters.

the best, the winner.

unbearable.

difficulty accepting criticism.

loud and demanding.

Acts "fresh." Is

very sensitive emotionally.

Redirecting

Doesn't always Frequently

Has bad

Behavior

163

the truth.

steals.

table

May have

tell

Children's

manners.

an occasional toileting accident.

May refuse

to bathe.

Battles over dressing.

Doesn't take care of clothes. Scalp

is

Makes Is

very tender and sensitive.

irritating, throaty noises.

clumsy.

Complains of aches and

pains.

7-Year-Olds Possible annoyingy normal behaviors

May be

afraid that others don't like

him.

Worries.

Minor illness may be magnified

to fatality status.

Accuses parents of liking other siblings more. Is

easily disappointed.

Has Is

a

tendency to do one thing too long.

too anxious to be perfect.

Complains about

Has many Is

how others

treat

fears.

easily distracted at

mealtime.

her (teachers, siblings, friends).

1

64

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

8-Year-Olds Possible annoying, normal behaviors Does everything

fast.

Feels extremely sensitive to perceived criticism

from

others.

Experiences self-doubt.

Hard on himself for making

mistakes.

Exaggerates his problems and dilemmas.

Wants

a lot

of communication with his primary caretaker.

Frequently asks, "What?"

Highly aware of others' mistakes and points them out. Is

not a good

self-starter.

Loves to argue.

Wants Is

to

wear "what other kids

are wearing."

accident prone.

May refuse

to take baths.

Has strong

interest in possessions.

May hoard or gloat over them.

9-Year-Olds Possible annoying, normal behaviors

May now seem to

resent her parents' presence.

Wants more freedom. Wants much

social activity.

Has mood swings. Worries and complains. Is

so

busy with her

Wants

she seems unaware of others.

fairness.

Bathing can Lays

own activity that

still

be

a

problem.

much blame and emphasis on who

started what.

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

165

lO-Year-Olds Possible annoying, normal behaviors Anger is often violent. Plots revenge.

Has

difficulty taking a joke

on himself

Asks personal questions.

May express

concern

if he isn't

developing physically

like others.

A girl will hunch her shoulders if she's uncomfortable about breast development.

ll-Year-Olds Possible annoyingy normal behaviors

Makes no Is

effort to cooperate.

quick to

criticize.

Expects perfection from others. Challenges rules and restrictions.

Loves to argue. Is

May hit,

physically violent.

Yells, swears, talks back, says

kick, or slam doors.

mean and

sarcastic things.

Likes to gossip.

Has intense need

to

be right or to

know it all.

Makes

references to your "old age."

Needs

sleep.

Has

difficulty

with

Wants radio or Is

siblings close in age.

television

always on the phone.

May cheat. May steal with peers. Has mood swings.

on while doing homework.

166

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

12-Year-Olds Possible annoyingy normal behaviors

Doing things on weekends with friends may become sullen and depressed. Expresses

boredom

May not want you

is

crucial. If he can't,

if friends are unavailable.

to purchase clothes for

May walk ahead of you May not want to be

him anymore.

or behind you.

touched in public.

13-Year-Olds Possible annoying^ normal behaviors Is

uncommunicative.

Withdraws

to

room frequently.

Demands more Is

privacy and accuses you of prying.

uncertain about herself and

life

in general.

May be unfriendly and unhappy. Worries about body

Does not want Has fewer

to

features.

be understood.

friends.

Speaks in a low voice.

Shrugs her shoulders. Feels teachers are unjust.

May be

found crying in her room.

Worries about everything. Expressions of affection don't

come

Doesn't often confide in parents. Is

embarrassed by parents.

easily.

he

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

167

U-Year-OUs Possible annoyingy normal behaviors In public, he wants to be as far

Picks

at

Revolts

way you

the at

away from you

as possible.

dress or look.

your old-fashioned ways.

Picks apart social systems: school, church, law enforcement,

May challenge

etc.

cherished family values.

IS-Year-Olds Possible annoyingy normal behaviors Wants

to be totally

Angry

at

parents

independent and

who

Age where

the family

Age where

friends

Has

don't see her

most

is

mean

things

Withdraws

ready for independence.

unsatisfactory.

with the same sex parent.

which cause you

all

as

the most.

difficulty getting along

Does

free.

great anxiety.

emotional contact with parent.

16-

to

18-Year-Olds

Possible annoyingy normal behaviors Teens experience

much

doubting their Feel anxious about

May make

life

anxiety about wanting to leave

ability to

what

make

home and

it.

they're going to choose for a career.

unbearable for you.

168

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

Other Interesting Books Children:

New York:

The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D.

Penguin USA, 1991.

Common Ground Handbookfor Parents and Teens by Ruth Angran, M.Ed., Patricia Bacus, Kathryn Kvols, Myrna Neims, Ph.D. and Ruth Smith. Gainesville, Florida: Banks Communication, 1996. by Anne Johnson and Vic Goodman.

Essence of Parenting, The,

New York: The Crossroad Publishing Company, 501 Ways

to

Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem

Chicago: Contemporary Books, Full Esteem

Tiburon,

Calif.:

1995.

by Robert D. Ramsey.

Inc., 1994.

Ahead by Diane Loomans with H J Kramer Inc, 1994.

Julia

Help! The Kids Are at It Again: Using Kid's Quarrels ple'' Skills

How

by Elizabeth Crary.

to

Seattle:

Parenting Press, Inc., 1997.

& Listen So Kids Will Talk by New York: Avon Books, 1980.

on Your Side by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. and

M.F.C.C. Rocklm,

Calif:

Lynn

Lott,

M.A.,

Prima PubHshing, 1990.

Kid's Book of Questions, The, by

York:

Teach '^Peo-

Talk So Kids Will Listen

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlich.

Em

to

Loomans.

Workman PubHshing,

Gregory Stock, Ph.D.

New

1988.

Language of Letting Go, The, by Melody Beattie. HarperCollins Publishers, 1990.

New York:

in the Classroom: Classroom Management Techby Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D., Bernice Bronia Grunwald, and

Maintaining Sanity niques

Floy C. Pepper.

New York:

Making Peace

New York:

in

HarperCollins Publishers, 1982.

Your Stepfamily by Harold H. Bloomfield,

Hyperion, 1993.

M.D.

Redirecting

ues

Behavior

OurJourney Home: What Parents Are Doing to Preserve Family by Gary Bauer. Dallas: Word Publishing, 1992. Parent's Little

field

Glenn. Rocklin,

169

Val-

Book of Lists, The, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. Deer-

Beach, Florida: Health Communications,

Positive Parenting f

Children's

Inc., 1997.

by Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott and H. Stephen Prima Publishing, 1993.

Calif.:

Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn. Boston:

Houghton

Mifflin

Company, 1993. World by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. Rocklin, Calif: Prima Raising Self-Reliant Children

in a Self-indulgent

PubHshing, 1989. Raising Your Spirited Child by

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. New

York: Harper Perennial, 1992. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Pipher, Ph.D.

New York: Ballantine Books,

Temperament

Tools:

Mary

1995.

Working with Your Child's Inborn

Traits

Helen Neville, R.N. and Diane Clark Johnson, C.F.L.E.

by

Seattle:

Parenting Press, Inc., 1998. Wonderful Ways

to

Love a Child by Judy Ford. Berkeley: Conari

to

Love a Teen by Judy Ford. Berkeley: Conari

Press, 1996.

Wonderful Ways Press,

1996

Your Child's Self-Esteem by Dorothy Corkille Briggs.

New York:

Doubleday, 1970. Your One-Year-Old by Louise Bates Ames, Ph.D. and Carol

Chase Haber, M.A. tinues with

New York: Dell PubHshing,

books covering each age up

1989. (Series con-

to fourteen years.)

170

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

Index A

Challenges, 17

Children's Mistaken Goals Abilities, natural,

24-25

chart, 114-117

Abuse, physical, 46

Child's Request, A, 156-157

Acceptance, 153

Choices, 93-95

Affection, 28

Choose

Agreements, make ahead, 100-101

126

Chores, 84-85

Confidence, lack

Altruism, 79

of,

15

Communication, 59-73;

Anger, 13,16; between lings,

closeness,

sib-

149-150;

management, 13 Assertiveness, 144

Attention, goal

88-91

of,

Avoidance, goal

of,

111-114

skills,

67

Comparison, of siblings, 39 Competition, of siblings, 39, 152 Concentrate on what you can do, 123-124 Conflict,

withdraw from, 103

Conflict resolution, steps for,

B Balance, firmness

121-122; in

life,

& kindness,

71-73 Consequences,

19

Bedtime, routine, 31-34 Behavior, parental, 121-126; unconscious, 28-30 Belief, in child,

Brazelton, T. Barry, Briggs,

11

C CapabiHty, 80

Caring, 145

able, 135; related, 136;

respectful, 135; worksheet,

134 ,

28-30

MD,

Dorothy C, 25

Burnout,

135-

natural, 133-135; reason-

23

Boundaries, child's

logical,

140; mini-logical,140;

6

Control, 15, 32

Corporal punishment, 44 Correct diagnosis, 85 Criticism, 36

D Decisions, making, 75

Describe what you

see,

145

Redirecting

Development, children's, 158-167 Difference, making a, 82 Discipline, and parent's aim, 39-40; and self-control, 120-143; goal of,

141-142

Divorce, effect on children, 62 102, 146

"Don't," saying, 39

Dreams,

child's,

24-25

Dreikurs, Rudolf,

Behavior

MD,

Fighting, by siblings, 148

Force, coercive, 43-52

Future, the, 155-159

G

Genuine encounter moments (GEM's), 25-26 Give notice of time, 101 Goals, setting, 78-79 Guilt, 12

4,

12,40

H Help, ask child

E

for,

80-82

Honor child, 22 Effectiveness, of autocratic

Humiliation, 38

parenting, 43-44

Empathizing, 145 I

Encouragement,

21, 35-41;

genuine, 40 Experiences,

171

53; results

of,

Do unexpected,

Children's

filter,

Indecision, 14

34-35

Inner peace, 16 Intention, 27

Extra mile, 79

Intuition, 76 F

Family encouragement

J

feast,

41

Family meetings, 68;

Jealousy,

between

siblings,

149-150

difficult

issues in, 70-71; guidelines,

69-70

K

Fear of mistakes, parent's, 12 Feeling encouragers, 61-62 Feeling stoppers, 60-61 Feelings, expression of,

59-73

Know your child,

104

172

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

L

One hundred percent,

23 Learning from children, 40

Order, 30-34

give,

78-79 Labels,

Legitimize

activity,

Overprotection, 39

97

Let go, 17-18 Letter, child's,

156-157

Limits, hard to

set,

need

for,

131-132;

130; setting 129-

P Parent misbehavior, 38-41 Parenting, autocratic 43-48;

130; steps for, 132-133;

democratic, 50-53; permis-

violations of, 130 sive,

Love, getting, 78; unconditional,

23

48-50

Parenting

styles,

43-58

Peace, inner, 16; world, 6 Physical force, 46

M

Plan ahead, 100

Make Make

Play, 145

discipline fun, 102

Power, authentic, 48, 53;

things happen, 18

coercive, 41-42; goal of, 92-

Minor issues, 38 Misbehavior, 86-119; identify

105, 115

Power

goals of, 118-119

Mistakes, learning from, 3536; repair of, 37

struggles,

ways

to

avoid, 100-105

Problem

solving, 144-147

Punishment, 118

Motivation, internal, 28, 47

R

N Redirecting, goal of attention,

Negative thoughts, 11 Negotiation, 94-95, 142

"No," saymg, 39, 98-99 Nurture, 19

90-91; goal of avoidance 111-113; goal of power, 931-

1054; goal of revenge,

107-111 Relaxation, 144

0

Resentment, 13 Respect, mutual, 51

Obedience, 44-45

Respect your hang-ups, 125

Redirecting

Responsibility, 44-45, 74-85;

hand down, 83; learn, 84-85

Children's

Behavior

173

T

give, 82;

tasks to

Revenge, goal

of,

106-111,

Take

turns, 145

Talk, about problem, 122-123 Tattling, eliminate, 149

116

Temper tantrums,

Rewards, 47-48, 119 Routine, 30-34

63; chart,

64-67; handlmg, 63-68

Time-out, 127 Trade, 145 S

Trust, child, 76; intuition, 76

Same

boat, put children in,

Truth, 77

146-147 Self-care, benefits to, 10;

importance of,

U

20; lack

of,

Unexpected

10

action, 149

Self-control, 144

Self-quieting,

V

127-129

Self- reflection, 16

Values, living with, 57-58;

26-27 Self-worth, 95-96 Self-talk, 17,

parental, 54-58; teach,

Setting limits, see Limits

Sexual abuse, avoiding, 28-30

to

55-57

Voice, tone

of,

27

143-152

Siblings,

Signals, to avoid gles,

ways

power

strug-

W

105-106

Slow down, 100 Stage, set for peace, 148-152

Stay out of fight, 148 Stress, 14

Suffering, not necessary to learn,

125-126

Summary of book, 153-155

Wants, getting, 77

What

children

say,

about

consequences, 139

Win/win, 96-97, 146 Withdraw from conflict, 103-104 Work on one problem, 121 Worry, 11

114

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

About the Author Kathryn J. Kvols and Families,

name

at that

a

president of International

company

Network

for

Children

she started twenty years ago (under a different

time) to educate parents in the theories and techniques of

peaceful parenting. selor, a

is

Her life

has been richly filled as a mental health coun-

presenter of personal growth workshops, and a director of a

summer camp

for children that

emphasized responsible behavior and

self-

esteem. Ms. Kvols serves on the board of the Montessori Foundation.

About 350

instructors teach the material

dren's Behavior all

found in

Redirecting Chil-

over the United States and in nine countries abroad.

Ms. Kvols and her husband have

a

blended family of five children

down to preschool age. Her experiences in a twoparent family, as a single mother, and as a stepmother now have given her insights into the challenges faced by many parents in today's changing ranging in age from 20's

society.

C Redirecting Children's Behavior

Parenting Course International

Network

for parenting courses

for

Children and Families provides resources

and instructor training worldwide.

Evening Course Small groups with hands-on learning; no lectures. Classes

meet one evening per week

Workbook and

reference

for five weeks.

book included with course

Network

fee.

and Families for information on courses near you, or to find out how you can Call International

become

for Children

a parent education instructor, at 800-257-9002.

You may also check Website

http://www.redirectingbehavior.com/.

Redirecting

Children's

Behavior

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Ask

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Parenting

Child Care

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STOP

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Worrying and

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"The

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-Jack Canfield, parent and author,

"[RGB] It

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offers practical strategies that

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Your

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positive

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.

.

.

my work with families.

wonderful book for

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co-director

and thank you

You have

a

It's

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Child's Inborn Traits and

cerning

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A

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to learn to

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.

More

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understanding, and peaceful resolution of conflict." —Allen H. Neims, M.D., Ph.D. former Dean of the University of Florida College of ,

Medicine and pediatrics professor

Kathryn

j.

Kvols, president of International

Families, has

Network

for Children

more than twenty years' experience helping

peaceful, healthy ways.

families

and

grow

ISBN l-afiM73M-31-t>

90000 Parenting Press, Inc.

9 781884"734311

in