Pet Shop Boys versus America 0670852740

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VIKING Published by the Penguin G r o u p Penguin B o o k s Ltd, 27 Wrights Lane, L o n d o n W8 5 T Z , England Penguin B o o k s U S A Inc., 375 Hudson Street, N e w York, N e w York 10014. U S A Penguin B o o k s Australia Ltd, R i n g w o o d , Victoria, Australia Penguin B o o k s Canada Ltd, 10 A l c o r n Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M 4 V 3B2 Penguin B o o k s ( N Z ) Ltd, r82-190 Wairau R o a d , A u c k l a n d i o , N e w Zealand Penguin B o o k s Ltd, Registered Offices: Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England hirst published 1993 1 3 5 7 9 10 8642 First edition C o p y r i g h t © Areagraph Ltd, 1993 T h e moral right of the author has been asserted All rights reserved. W i t h o u t limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of tins publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), w i t h o u t the prior written permission of both the copyright o w n e r and the above publisher of this b o o k Filmset in M o n o p h o t o B e m b o by S c l w o o d Systems, Midsomer N o r t o n Printed i n Singapore b y K y o d o Printing C o A C I P catalogue record f o r this b o o k is available from the British Library I S B N 0-670-85274-0

Foreword

W h e n we toured N o r t h A m e r i c a for the first time a couple of years ago, we anticipated some sort of confrontation between our pop values and theatrical presentation (no musicians on-stage) and traditional American rock values, audiences, critics. In fact the tour was a thrilling experience for us: the show worked, the audiences were enthusiastic, the crew w o r k e d incredibly hard to present a complicated production in venues of varying sizes - even some of the critics liked it. Chris Heath and Pennie Smith travelled with us on the entire tour. T h i s b o o k is their record of it. We h o p e y o u enjoy it.

Neil Tennant, Chris Lowe Pet Shop Boys

Introduction

As with most projects involving the Pet Shop Boys, this b o o k started out w i t h little formal brief, other than to be a combination of photographs and text recording their 1991 A m e r i c a n tour as it travelled across fourteen cities in the U S A and Canada. If there was a single idea behind it, it was one of w h a t might happen w h e n t w o very different cultures - that of the Pet Shop Boys and that of A m e r i c a — met. T h e c h o i c e of Pennie Smith as the tour photographer was influenced by her classic photographs of the Clash at A m e r i c a n truckstops and there was certainly an expectation that she might photograph N e i l and Chris against the w i d e open landscapes of m i d - A m e r i c a , or leaning casually against gas pumps. If she didn't take those photos, it was because they were not there to be taken. Even in A m e r i c a the Pet Shop Boys were not, it turned out, the sort of people w h o spent very m u c h time in fields or at gas stations. W h a t we recorded was rather m o r e complicated. T h e Pet Shop Boys treat America with an uneasy mixture of priorities and prejudices. It is a country they face both with a sense of mission and with a sense of disdain. T h e same c o n u n d r u m w o u l d restate itself time and again during the tour — w h a t does it mean if they want success here but dislike so m u c h of w h a t m o d e r n A m e r i c a , and the m o d e r n American, is? O n e solution - a rationalization that proud Englishmen abroad have used for generations - was to convince themselves that the Americans to w h o m the Pet Shop Boys appealed were s o m e h o w special. T h e y were the disenchanted! T h e outcasts! T h e cheesed-off! In other words, they were precisely those A m e r i cans w h o saw in A m e r i c a from w i t h i n the same faults the Pet Shop Boys saw from the outside. It was a g o o d answer, and there was some truth in it, but it was never g o i n g to be die w h o l e story. T h e Pet Shop Boys had never toured in A m e r i c a before. In 1986 they planned to - tickets even w e n t on sale in Los Angeles - but they pulled out w h e n they realized h o w m u c h m o n e y they w o u l d lose. A couple of years later, after the release of their Introspective album, they were persuaded by their American record

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Pet Shop Roys versus America

company, E M I , that it w o u l d help their credibility w i t h an American audience if they toured, and a private agreement was drawn up between E M I and the Pet Shop B o y s whereby they w o u l d perform in at least twelve cities following the release of their next album. In 1991 N e i l and Chris decided that, even though that agreement had been superseded, and even though they w o u l d still lose a large sum of m o n e y taking such an elaborate production around American theatres, they wished to undertake such a tour anyway. Nevertheless, the w h o l e style of the show was based on a reaction to A m e r i c a . T h e y had been told that y o u couldn't tour A m e r i c a successfully w i t h o u t a live drummer, advice w h i c h aggravated them: their response was to have no musicians on-stage whatsoever, and the theatrical nature of the performance followed from this decision. It was a typical example of the way they w o r k : they w o u l d tour A m e r i c a but they w o u l d n ' t give an inch. T h e spring of 199т f o u n d t h e m at a strange m o m e n t . Their latest album, Behaviour, had been widely proclaimed a masterpiece but had still sold less well than their previous records. Just before the tour a single, ' B e i n g B o r i n g ' , one of the songs they were most proud of, became their least successful single in the British charts for six years, a failure w h i c h they struggled to explain to themselves. These f e w months caught them by turns battling w i t h and dismissing an unusual level of self-doubt. O f t e n they w o u l d toy w i t h the idea of stopping w h a t they were doing - less, I felt, because they were genuinely considering disbanding than because raising the question reminded them w h y they wanted to be a p o p group, and helped remind them w h i c h things they should do, and w h i c h they should not. T h e s e matters were thrown more keenly into focus by being in America — there is nowhere else w h e r e success is valued so highly, or where the decisions and sacrifices y o u make in chasing success are more nakedly apparent. T h e i r A m e r i c a n career started well - in 1986 'West E n d Girls' reached number one and was followed by a string of hit singles — but recently it had tailed off, and the effort required to reverse that had sometimes seemed unachievable. T h e i r feelings about this would swing from hour to hour, from being annoyed that the largest nation of p o p listeners were stubbornly resisting t h e m to being arrogandy dismissive of anyone silly enough not to like them, to having the detached pride of those w h o s e creative accomplishments are sufficient satisfaction in themselves, to being studiously determined to w o o n e w converts, to keenly wanting not to even be seen to be trying to be liked. Part of this b o o k is indeed about die Pet S h o p Boys versus A m e r i c a , but in other parts A m e r i c a sits in the background and the true tussle is that of the Pet Shop Boys versus themselves.

l'et Shop Boys versus America

O n e of the conceits of the previous Pet Shop B o y s b o o k , Pet Shop Boys, Literally, was that it treated a pop music tour as though it were the subject of social anthropology, and thus the text was ritualistically inclusive in its detail, and virtually no events of even the most mundane significance were omitted. T h o u g h scenes in this n e w b o o k are often presented in the same detail, the overall text is not inclusive in the same way. T h e narration, just as the photographs, takes the form of snapshots. T h e reader is eavesdropping, and most of the time those speaking have forgotten they are being listened to. In hindsight, N e i l and Chris remember this tour as thrilling and fairly triumphant. T h e i r memories may be unfairly skewed towards the happier times; this b o o k , by contrast, is unfairly skewed towards the more difficult moments. T h e Pet Shop B o y s are not the sort of people to say a huge amount during moments of exuberance, preferring to sip a little champagne, perhaps, and then move on. At times of boredom, irritation or crisis they are rather more garrulous. If in the text that follows they occasionally seem irrational, or inconsistent, or pompous, or nasty, remember that most of the words in this b o o k aren't those of public statements but of private, everyday babble; words that, in more normal circumstances, w o u l d have been forgotten as soon as they were spoken.

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Sunday, 17 March

C o c o n u t Grove, Miami, a suburb of boutiques w i t h pastel pink and green awnings. T h e Pet S h o p Boys and entourage are staying at the Mayfair H o u s e Hotel. Everyone is b o o k e d under their o w n names except for N e i l (C. Heston) and Chris ( R . Welch). Across the road from the hotel Grove Galloways is holding a Z Z Top H o t Legs Contest. ' M e n and w o m e n ' . For the finest legs, f r e e Z Z Top concert tickets. On the first night in A m e r i c a Chris and N e i l host a tour party barbecue on the hotel roof. It looks like the party scene in Spinal Tap, someone says. Spirits are high. T h e y talk about Japan: amusing mishaps, the return of their number-one fan Eko, Mr U d o , the promoter they had duelled with on their last tour there. He apparently praised the show, but didn't c o m e to see it. He threw them a party, but didn't turn up. I have just flown in. Joining a tour after it has begun is like arriving late at a party: you feel that everyone has drunk more than y o u and is talking about something they understand but w h i c h you yourself can't quite grasp. In Japan they w e n t to see one of G e o r g e Michael's cover version concerts. 'We were asked backstage beforehand,' said N e i l , 'and Chris made a remark about his haircut.' 'I said I really liked "Careless W h i s p e r " , ' says Chris. ' A n d I asked, " Y o u do 'Killer'?" and he said, "I'll do it first so y o u can g o . " ' ' H e always puts himself d o w n , ' says Neil. ' H e tells y o u it's half-empty.' Chris scowls w h e n he is told that their n e w British single, ' W h e r e the Streets Have No N a m e (I C a n ' t Take My Eyes o f f You)', w h i c h melds a U2 song and an old Frankie Valli tune into a high-energy stomper, has entered the charts at number seven. T h e m i d - w e e k prediction had been number three. T h a t afternoon N e i l has been to see the film everyone is talking about, 7 be Doors. No g o o d . He says he saw it so that he w o u l d have something to talk about in interviews. R e c o r d Mirror, 16 March, 'Strange Behaviour', an interview with Tim Nicholson: 'This tour is going to be even more theatrical than the last one,' explains Neil. 'The last

5

l'et Shop Boys versus America

tour was more of a theatrical event, whereas this is more operatic. There won't be any musicians onstage, just dancers and backing singers, and the songs link together lyrically. I guess the only comparison I can think of would be with David Bowie's "Diamond Dogs" tour, but even then he had some guitarist playing solos onstage.' Won't that stick in the throats of an American audience in particular? 'Yes,' says Chris, a self-satisfied grin on his face. .. 'We've always been told,' says Neil, 'that to break really big in America you've got to tour extensively. Well, this is our response to that opinion. We're saying, "OK, we'll tour, but it will have to be on our own terms and you will have to deal with that." This tour mil be a challenge to an American audience in particular because it is so alien to what they have been used to.'

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Monday, 18 March

Interviews. Chris is on the p h o n e to D u b l i n radio. T i c k e t sales for D u b l i n are terrible. Before he dials they w o n d e r w h e t h e r the Irish have reacted badly to their U2 cover. 'We have got a nerve,' sniggers Chris, 'doing a cover version and then slagging o f f the group . . . ' A f e w minutes later he is telling the DJ he's a big U 2 fan. T h e next interviewer is here in person. Sasha f r o m Paris Elle. T h e r e are a load of European journalists in t o w n , flown in by E M I to see their high-priority new signing, H u e y Lewis and the N e w s . Pet S h o p Boys have reluctantly agreed to see them. Sasha asks questions; Chris fiddles w i t h his hair, uninterested, while N e i l goes into a well-rehearsed spiel. ' . . . I'm not a huge opera fan. W h a t I ' m a fan o f - one of the biggest things in the theatre in L o n d o n is the English National O p e r a , because they reinterpret classic opera in very different, inventive ways. A n d it's also out of the rock format . . . This time we wanted to be as brave as possible. S o m e o n e told us, " W h e n y o u tour America y o u have to have a live d r u m m e r . " That's w h e n we decided to have no musicians on-stage.' H o w are the audiences reacting? Sasha asks. ' T h e y leave halfway through,' says Chris. T h e n he says that actually they love it. 'I think people in the music business underestimate people,' says N e i l . 'If y o u do things differently and with a lot of effort, they appreciate it.' M o r e questions. 'It's 110 accident,' says N e i l , 'that w h e n we do a show it's an ensemble show. We're t w o of fifteen people. It's not a star show.' Do y o u feel more comfortable, Sasha wonders, in the studio or on-stage? 'I think w h e n you're in the studio,' says Chris, 'you're l o o k i n g forward to being on-stage, and vice versa.' ' I ' m always surprised h o w m u c h I like being on-stage,' says Neil. As usual they're quizzed about their collaborations with Liza Minnelli, Dusty Springfield. O l d stars, summarizes Sasha, making a comeback.

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

'I think w e ' v e done our bit,' says Chris. ' W e haven't viewed it as helping them out,' points out Neil, w o r r y i n g that the interviewer's assumption has remained unchallenged. ' W e w o r k e d w i t h them because we admire them.' B u t no more. ' W e don't want to be categorized. T h e next w o u l d be s o m e o n e y o u n g . I don't think there are enough y o u n g p o p stars. T h e r e are t o o many like me w h o are thirty-six.' T h e y ' r e asked about sampling. 'I think it's really g o o d . It's great,' says Chris. 'I like anything that's new.' W h a t w o u l d y o u think if someone had a hit by sampling one of your records? 'I'd be thrilled to bits.' Pause. 'I'd want m o n e y o f f it, of course.' Sasha leaves. 'It's not fair we have to do interviews and the band don't,' grumps Chris. N e i l doesn't respond. He is leafing through one of those perfect-bound pieces of hotel advertorial reading, a guide to 'the 100 best hotels of the world'. ' T h i s isn't one of them,' complains Chris. 'It's a dump.' ' W e should get Jill to keep this,' says N e i l , meaning the hotel guide. 'Jill' is Jill Wall, their manager, w h o runs their office in L o n d o n . Chris looks around. 'All the hotels in A m e r i c a are designed for group sex. Glass surfaces. T h e hot tub. Mirrors. It's kink city.' Sandwiches arrive. We arc in Neil's room. 'I haven't got any sandwiches in my r o o m , ' Chris complains. 'It's the way he says that,' N e i l says to me, 'as if he's got the worst r o o m in the hotel.' 'I had a bath,' mutters Chris, 'and the cold tap fell off.' T h e y survey their schedule. 'I see Finland has been sneaked in here,' says N e i l . ' I ' m not doing it,' says C h r i s immediately. N e i l considers the cheek of it: ' O n e of these French interviewers is from Finland.' 'Slippery, aren't they?' grunts Chris. T h e next interviewer is from Express magazine. Neil's spiel again: ' . . . the point of w h a t we do isn't as performers. We are songwriters.

We have put together a show w h i c h visualizes our

songs...' T h e interviewer muses on their unpopularity in France, the only European country w h e r e they have never had regular hits.

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

'I can't explain it,' sighs Neil. 'It's always very difficult to explain w h y y o u are or aren't popular. I think maybe we're t o o English.' T h e Beatles were English, says the interviewer. 'I don't know,' says Neil. ' W e ' d like to be popular in France. We like Paris.' 'We're back into Frcnch fashion,' says Chris. 'We were into Italy for a while, but we're back. C h e v i g n o n , C h i p i e T h e r e are n o w C h e v i g n o n cigarettes, the interviewer points out. 'That's so French,' says Neil. ' N o one k n o w s in France that s m o k i n g is bad for you.' Neil shows me a few pieces of fan mail he brought from Japan. M a h o says, 'It was very exciting concert! It looks like movie, because many scene make up one story. I'll never forget the wonderful concert as long as I live.' M i v a k o says, ' M y dream is to live in L o n d o n w h e r e y o u live.' M a r i k o says, 'Your dances are very cute! I never dreamed you danced such pretty!!' Yuki and R v o k o say, 'You're leavingjapan, aren't you? Your s h o w have occupied a part of our mind for good. T h e meanings, the implications, the theme are too complicated to understand completely yet. B u t we never cease thinking about them. Yesterday we saw y o u at the disco " G o l d " . Sometimes we wondered if we should (or could) say greetings to y o u , however, we didn't dare to. If we bothered you by hanging around y o u in such private time, we feel so sorry . . . Ultimate gratitude and thousands of kisses for you from Yuki and R y o k o for having given us so many dreams.' M o r e interviews. T h e y field questions about ' H o w C a n You E x p e c t to be Taken Seriously?', a song deflating the pomposities of p o p stars. T h e y say there are five or six real-life models for the song. T h e interviewer pushes. Sting? 'Sting . . . ? ' mutters N e i l , even-handedly. 'He's a possible contender, isn't he?' laughs Chris. 'I don't think p o p stars should get involved in important things,' says Neil. 'I don't think it's their role. I think they should criticize .. . There's definitely a side of us that does things to annoy people, as a critique of the w h o l e rockbusiness. We always criticize. W e ' r e terribly critical people. We wish we weren't, really, because it makes life quite difficult. Y o u notice what's g o i n g on around y o u and it doesn't necessarily make for a comfortable life. If people have comfortable lives they're almost not aware of what's g o i n g on. 1 think that's what makes for the comfort. We have a sort of funny pessimism, always expecting the worst.'

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

He sighs, then relaunches into further explanation. 'After a while the bullshit, the people not telling y o u the truth, starts to wear y o u d o w n . It can make y o u angry, the stroking of ego. In A m e r i c a y o u have to do a lot of meet'n'greets - it's a deal y o u do so they'll play your record. T h e y don't play y o u r record because they like it, they do it because they've been paid, or because y o u ' v e done them a favour. I think people in America feel it, but no one revolts against it any more. I think A m e r i c a n capitalism is based upon a certain amount of corruption b e i n g acceptable, w h i c h I don't think it w o u l d be in Europe.' T h e interviewer asks w h y they w o r k e d w i t h Liza Minnelli. 'She liked " R e n t " , ' explains Chris. He turns to Neil. 'Is that the official reason?' 'It's bullshit,' says N e i l , and tells the real story, all dull record company machinations, then talks about the record. 'I was trying to make some of the lyrics sound like they might have been written by Jacques Brel, except in English.' C h r i s starts talking about his n e w house, and about architects he likes. 'I like the attitude the French have. Y o u can do whatever y o u want. In England y o u couldn't do that because Prince Charles w o u l d n ' t let y o u . ' You don't like Prince Charles? the interviewer wonders. ' N o , ' says Chris, 'I think he should be garrotted.* N e i l talks about some of his enthusiasms: Shostakovich, signed first editions by G r a h a m Greene, late-Victorian paintings. T h e interviewer wonders if C h r i s likes such paintings too. ' N o t really,' he says. 'I've g o t some m o d e r n art, but 1 just find art b e c o m e s decoration. I ' m trying to design this house so it w o u l d w o r k best w i t h o u t any art, w i t h o u t any belongings.' N e i l is asked about politics and soon winds round to his m o t o r car theory: 'To me the main thing that is w r o n g in the world is people driving cars. We had a war because we were driving cars.' ' N e i l can't drive,' C h r i s chips in. '1 think it's the fundamental evil,' explains N e i l . 'You're the only person w h o thinks that,' says Chris. 'Yes,' Neil agrees, 'but 1 think I'm right.' T h e interviewer asks about S I D A . A I D S . 'I think a lot of our songs have been about that. It's changed p o p music completely, because p o p music is about sex and A I D S has changed sex. N i g h t -

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

clubbing has b e c o m e more about dancing and getting out of y o u r head than a courtship ritual, and so dance music has b e c o m e more pure. D i s c o was sexual "love to love y o u b a b y " , heavy breathing. D a n c e music n o w is heavy beats and you dance by yourself. These t w o things - that and the death of c o m m u n i s m have changed society entirely, and I think that it's difficult to k n o w w h a t to do or think in the aftermath.' For his final question the interviewer asks about charity. 'We do a lot for charity,' says Chris, 'but we don't like to talk about it.' Like what? he asks. 'I can't tell you,' says Chris. T h e next interviewer is from Salut. He wants to k n o w w h e t h e r they're bored with granting interviews. 'You start giving die w r o n g answers because you're bored with the right ones,' says Chris. ' O r y o u say horrible things,' adds Neil. T h e y tell him this is their farewell tour. You're splitting up? he asks, wide-eyed. ' N o , we're not splitting up,' says Chris. 'It's die Farewell to the Fans tour.' And w e l c o m e to what? he asks. 'Solitude,' says Chris. T h e y explain the tour's p o o r financial standing. T h e y are budgeted, right now, to lose around half-a-million pounds. ' N o w we can afford to lose a lot of money,' says Neil. 'It's an amusing way to go bankrupt.' ' T h e wigs are a thousand pounds each,' says Chris, 'and there's thirty-four wigs.' 'And,' adds Neil, 'there's a m a n to look after the wigs.' T h e interviewer asks if Chris has been living up to his reputation by complaining a lot. 'I'm bored

with complaining,'

he says.

'I'm

past complaining.

I've

become' - he grins - 'a m u c h nicer person recently.' T h e door bangs. 'It's only the w i n d , ' says C h r i s and everyone chordes. T h e interviewer says that in France Behaviour was promoted w i d i pictures of a Q u e e n lookalike, its slogan ' T h e Q u e e n ' s Favourite G r o u p ' . N e i l nods. ' T h e y thought it was fabulously arresting, so we thought it must

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

appeal to a French sense of humour.' In Japan, he says, they asked w h e t h e r N e i l and Chris would add to Behaviour a bonus disc of them reading their favourite fairy tale, supposedly to help the Japanese fans learn English. Pete arrives with a n e w T-shirt for Chris. Pete is a friend of C h r i s w h o used to w o r k for them and w h o is travelling on the tour. On the front of the Tshirt it says

AMERICA.

C h r i s has also just b o u g h t a n e w Mossimo hat, but he

plans to hide it from the dancers until they leave M i a m i so that they can't copy him. We head for a radio station, Power 96 — Neil, Chris, myself, the photographer Pennie Smith, Pete, their large security man and assistant, Dainton, and their A m e r i c a n manager, A r m a A n d o n . T h e M i a m i concert needs promoting — only 2,800 of a possible 5,000 tickcts have been sold so far. In the limousine N e i l plays s o m e songs by their protege Dave Cicero: 'Middle-class Life', 'Heaven', ' T h e n ' , 'Love is E v e r y w h e r e ' . 'All of them,' says Chris, 'are about failing with w o m e n . ' He thinks a m o m e n t . ' W e should market him as the n e w Bay C i t y Rollers rolled into one.' We pull up at the radio station. For a j o k e A r m a gets out his A m e r i c a n Express card and a bundle of cash and says, ' W h y don't we just make this real easy? T w o minutes. Y o u can wait in the lobby.' B u t they have to go in. ' O h , ' sighs Neil, 'the music business used to be a lot simpler.' As we wait they discuss Trevor. Trevor is one of the two street dancers w h o m they asked to j o i n the tour after they appeared in the ' H o w C a n Y o u Expect To Be Taken Seriously?' video. T h e y think he has been shopping too much. ' W e should pay h i m less,' says Chris. 'I think we do,' says Neil. T h e y are kept waiting for ages. A r m a offers to do his 'nuclear management bit', but they decline. Instead they chat about Los Angeles. ' L A is our lady,' says Chris. 'It's about the only one.' Finally the DJ introduces them: ' N e i l and Chris from the Pet Shop Boys getting d o w n with C o x 011 the radio.' 'Is that meant to be a double entendre?' asks Neil. ' W h a t do y o u want to talk about?' the DJ asks. 'Tickcts,' says N e i l bluntly. 'Selling tickets,' confirms Chris. T h e DJ nods. ' W e talked about o u r sexual preferences last time.' 14

l'et Shop Boys versus America

T h e interview begins. 'So, N i c k . . . ' he says. 'Neil, actually,' says Neil. T h e next station is callcd Y - ю о and there they are greeted by a man called A1 Chio. 'Are both of you into M o t o w n ? ' asks Al. ' W h y are y o u asking?' says Chris defensively. 'It's a loaded question.' ' W h e n I was g r o w i n g up,' answers Neil, 'it was the Beatles and M o t o w n . I used to like the Supremes.' ' C h i c k e n supreme, I like,' says Chris. As at most radio stations, they are asked to do loads of station I D s , whereby they introduce each of the station's DJs and various local campaigns. O n e of today's is 'Hi! This is Neil Tennant and Chris L o w e urging you to participate in recycling - everyone's help counts.' '1 did that one already for Japan,' says Neil. ' T h e y should have recycled it, saved the tape,' says Chris. On the way back A r m a talks business, trying to get them interested in doing a Japanese TV ad and explaining w h a t doors might open in A m e r i c a 'if "Streets" is a hit'. He pauses. ' A n d I believe it is a hit. B u t then I thought " S o Hard" was a hit.' T h e y discuss the Katie Puckrik decision. Katie, one of eight classically trained dancers, was to have sung a song in the show, 'In the N i g h t ' . It was rehearsed, but at the very last m o m e n t , in Japan, they dccidcd it didn't w o r k and substituted a speedily rehearsed version o f ' R e n t ' , principally performed by Sylvia. ' M y Fair Lady gets changed in Philadelphia,' they rationalize. 'That's show business.' Nevertheless, Katie didn't take it well. Suddenly Chris announces, for no obvious reason, 'I like the morning. There's so m u c h hope in the m o r n i n g . There's so m u c h potential, w h i c h is never realized by 8.30 in the evening.' We dine at a C u b a n restaurant, Victor's Cafe, with their American press agent, Susan Blond, A r m a and Arma's wife, Alexandra. 'You get to do all the fun things,' N e i l tells Alexandra in the car there. 'You get to go to the Seaquarium. We get asked, " W h a t ' s a West E n d Girl?" ' Arma's children are here in M i a m i . T h e y have been making friends with Dainton, though one of t h e m said to A r m a , '1 k n o w w h y they call him Dainton because he puts a dent in everything.' 15

l'et Shop Boys versus America

' W h e n did you discover y o u could sing?' A r m a asks Neil. 'I only sang because C h r i s didn't sing,' he answers. 'Technically I'm not a very g o o d singer.' T h e evening is lost in old stories: A r m a g o i n g to Spain to give Salvador Dali m o n e y for a sculpture John L e n n o n was g i v i n g to R i n g o Starr; Susan B l o n d being filmed naked by A n d y Warhol. ' O h , Susan!' says A r m a at this last revelation. 'That's something I didn't k n o w about you. I'm so proud of you!'

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Tuesday, 19 March

N e i l and C h r i s wander round C o c o n u t Grove shopping for vitamins. N e i l , w h o hasn't slept at all, is wearing a T-shirt saying

M A D I ; IN T H E U S A

and bearing the

Stars and Stripes. A r m a takes them through some business. E M I A m e r i c a want to issue an edit of the David Morales dance m i x o f ' W h e r e the Streets Have No N a m e ' as their A m e r i c a n single; N e i l and Chris are adamant they shouldn't. Susan B l o n d tells them that Julio Iglesias's children are c o m i n g to the show tonight, and says that arrangements must be made for a party in N e w York. ' D o i n g the show is nothing,' sighs Neil, 'to d o i n g the party. T h e show is a picce of cake.' T h e head of E M I , Sal Licata, is c o m i n g to the show. ' H e ' s b r i n g i n g d o w n his o w n photographer,' A r m a explains. ' R e c o r d company presidents do not travel w i t h o u t their o w n trade photographer.' ' W h y ? ' asks N e i l . '1 guess he wants to take a photo of y o u and him,' shrugs A r m a . Susan explains that she can't get Rolling Stone to write anything about the tour. ' T h e entire staff want to c o m e , though,' she says. 'Well,' says A r m a , 'tell them to bring their pens.' We arrive at the K n i g h t Center. '1 like this venue,' says Chris. ' I ' m sorry, it's a happening venue.' T h e rest of the cast wander around. T h e music will be provided by N e i l and Chris with three singers (Sylvia Mason-James, D e r e k Green and Pamela Sheync), w h o dress as characters in the performance, and a guitarist (J.J. Belle) and keyboard player (Scott Davidson), w h o will play in the wings until introduced at the end of the show. Scott also operates the bank of computers out of w h i c h the backing tracks are generated. T h e musicians are fairly calm — they have done this kind of thing before - but the dancers gallivant around the backstage area in excitement. Eight of them have a classical background ( N o e l Wallace, L e o n Maurice-Jones, C r a i g Maguire, Petee Aloysius, Sarah Toner, Suki Miles, Katie Puckrik and Catherine Malone). T h e t w o w h o don't, Trevor H e n r y and Mark Martin, were treated a little sniffily by the others to begin with, but it seems fine

l'et Shop Boys versus America

now. Also milling about is David Alden, the opera director w h o m N e i l and Chris asked to direct the performance and w h o will be p o p p i n g up on occasional dates around the country. S o m e o n e asks N e i l and C h r i s about the show. 'Something for everyone,' says Chris. 'Firm but fair.' ' Q u i c k but tasty,' chips in N e i l . A n d after the tour? 'We're going to have a long holiday,' says Neil. 'And then we're g o i n g to open up a chain of chip shops,' says Chris, 'called the C h i p Shop Boys.' T h e n Chris notices that the backdrop of clouds behind the stage is ruffled and looks terrible. ' T h o s e clouds have to be done,' he fumes. ' I ' m not g o i n g on if they're not done. Or else the show's cancelled, basically. A n d that's the start of the American tour.' A college radio duo appear and begin an interview. 'Hello, this is Kelsey and W i g g l y D,' says someone w h o is presumably called Kelsey, 'and we're here with the Pet Shop Boys.' 'Squidgy Chris and N a u g h t y N e i l , ' says Chris. He tells the interviewers, 'This show is completely different from any other show - unless you've been to see Cats.' T h e y ask w h e t h e r the Pet S h o p Boys choose w h o remixes their records. (They do.) ' N o , ' says Chris, 'it's the record company.' ' T h e y write the songs as well,' says Neil. 'We're just puppets,' Chris explains. T h e interviewers ask about sampling and N e i l gives a very considered answer about h o w 'people are always horrified w h e n there's a n e w f o r m of music, like w h e n the clectric guitar was invented, or jazz'. 'Everything n e w is g o o d , ' adds Chris. 'Even if it's bad, it's g o o d . Because it's new.' T h e y ask w h y the Pet Shop Boys use so many o n e - w o r d titles. 'We couldn't think of any longer ones,' says Chris, i t ' s hard e n o u g h to think of one word, let alone a sentence.' T h e y sit in a backstage room, surrounded by wigs and stage costumes, preparing to be interviewed by M T V . N e i l tries to sit on Chris's left. 'I always sit that side,' objects Chris. 'You do?' says Neil, m o v i n g over. 'I've never thought about it.'

19

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

'Shall I wear my glasses?' Chris asks him. 'Yeah!' says Neil. 'You're Chris Lowe! That's what y o u do. That's what you're all about.' T h e cameraman objects that he can't wear sunglasses. ' O h well,' says Chris, 'we'll cancel the interview.' T h e interview starts. ' D o you think the US will have difficulty w i t h this show?' asks the VJ, John Norris. 'People always underestimate American audiences,' replies Neil, 'say they want something safe. I think the success w e ' v e had here has been for having something different.' This is a spiel the Pet Shop Boys have picked up - that the new all-purpose compliment in young, slightly trendy America is to be 'different'. livin Peaks is 'different'. The Simpsons is 'different'. T h e time was w h e n you had to be wild, rebellious and out of order, w h e n you had to stick up t w o fingers to the mainstream or wave your freak flag high, or whatever. N o w , it's to be 'different'. If all these things can be 'different', maybe the Pet Shop Boys can be 'different' too. T h e interviewer says that they have clips of the Pet Shop Boys for the last six years announcing they were planning to tour, and that each time the plans had to be cancelled. W h a t changed? 'This is the show we always cancelled,' N e i l explains. 'We just decided we could afford to lose an incredible amount of money; that's what changed. It's treated like it's a play, or a musical, or a ballet, or whatever pretentious w o r d you want to use.' T h e y are asked about playing music live. 'It's never been a problem for us to create music live,' insists Chris. 'We're not about that pub band type of tiling; it's about technology.' 'There's no tapes, folks,' says Neil. So what is the show's plot? 'Well,' says Chris, breaking into a smile, 'I don't think anyone fully understands it, including the director. It's some weird j o u r n e y for the Pet Shop Boys...' 'It's not like it's a thriller and y o u find out w h o d u n i t at the end,' adds Neil. 'It's a scenario rather than a story. At one point we thought of putting spoken bits in, but we thought it w o u l d be too precious.' Pause. 'We're angels at the end.'

21

Pet Shop Roys versus America

'It's not very realistic,' says Chris. 'It's a laugh. There's this funny kind of prologue at the beginning w h i c h I don't understand.' ' L o o k s g o o d , t h o u g h , ' says Neil. ' O u r idea was to present an entertainment rather than an intellectually challenging evening.' Are there any sexual moments? ' N o t in A m e r i c a , ' says Chris. ' T h e y ' v e been cut out. Y o u only get them in G e r m a n y and H o l l a n d . . . ' ' . . . and not,' adds N e i l , 'if o u r parents are there.' He asks about other people's concerts. ' Y o u don't go to many, do you?' N e i l says to Chris. ' N o , ' says Chris, 'but I don't go to the pictures. I don't read books. I ' m a moron.' T h e y talk about shocking people. 'For some reason,' said N e i l , 'it is impossible for us to shock people. It's amazing w h a t y o u can get away w i t h . ' ' Y o u just put it out in a press release if y o u want people to think it's shocking. We can't be bothered, and so even t h o u g h we have sex and nudity in almost everything we do, w e ' r e never shocking.' T h e VJ asks Chris to c o n f i r m that covering the U2 song was his idea. ' N o , ' says Chris obstinately. 'Chris, yes,' says Neil. ' N o , ' says Chris, lying, 'it was E M I ' s idea.' T h e VJ asks about the video. 'It's set in the desert next to this funny tree,' drawls Chris. ' N o , it's 0x1 a rooftop in d o w n t o w n L A , but the police stopped i t . . . It's g o t some g o - g o girls in the background, to make it a bit sexist for A m e r i c a . ' N e i l compares it with the brooding drama of the 'Jealousy' video: 'There's no possibility of it being shown on television, but it's nice to show your friends.' T h e r e are some supplementary questions. ' M T V is putting together a rockumcntary on the history of heavy metal and w h e r e it's g o i n g . . . ' ' " R o c k u m e n t a r y " , if y o u will,' mutters Neil. 'That'll be a l o n g programme,' says Chris. ' H e a v y metal is to real music w h a t wrestling is to boxing. Wrestling is this camp theatrical thing. 1 d o n ' t really regard it as music.' 'It's really the bastard child of glam rock,' says N e i l , and pontificates on the possible connections. ' A l t h o u g h , ' he adds, 'I have secretly written t w o heavy metal songs.'

l'et Shop Boys versus America

T h e y ' r e asked w h e t h e r they think that handing out free condoms in school promotes sex. 'Sex has never really needed much promotion,' says Chris. 'You really should try it, kids.' A French TV crew takes t h e m outside. 'I was told,' the interviewer says, 'you were scared of the public.' ' N o , ' says Chris, ' w e despise tire public.' ' D o n ' t say that!' says Neil. T h e interviewer mentions something about the press being rude. ' I ' m g o i n g to smack their bottoms,' promises Chris. 'We're above criticism. We laugh in the face of it.' ' D o y o u think,' they are asked, 'you have changed, just a little bit, the face of popular music in the 1980s?' Chris answers. ' W e invented house music . . . techno music . . . industrial music . . . that w h o l e garage thing . . . that F u n k y D r u m m e r thing . . . not bad going.' T h e y return to the hall. T h e r e is a problem, something to do with the different voltages in Europe and A m e r i c a , and there is a l o u d buzz. 'Are

we

officially worried?'

Neil

asks

Howard

Hopkins,

the

stage

manager. He doesn't answer. T h e y adjourn to the catering row for a preshow dinner. It's chicken. ' T o m once said 011 Pan A m , because he was bored, we don't want chickcn,' says N e i l - ' T o m ' is T o m Watkins, their f o r m e r manager — 'and the hostess said, " B u t you must know, we're k n o w n as the chicken airline!"' R o b b i e Williams, the production manager, appears, looking very worried. 'I don't want to underestimate how serious it is. We may have to cancel the show. We should w o r k out a contingency plan; w h e t h e r we can play tomorrow...' i t ' s d o o m e d , ' sighs N e i l , it was obviously a dumb idea.' 'Well,' says Arma, ' w e l c o m e to A m e r i c a . ' He smiles. 'See h o w calm I am? It'll only lose us $TOO,OOO.' A security guard catches N e i l 011 the w a y downstairs. ' C a n I get your autograph,' he asks, ' b e f o r e . . . ?' ' . . . before the show gets cancelled,' says Neil. It's obvious, nevertheless, that no one really believes that it'll happen. 'I couldn't bear it if the show was cancelled,' says Neil, i just couldn't bear

23

l'et Shop Boys versus America

it. It's out of the question.' He stares at the stage. As technicians fiddle, a b u z z switches on and off. 'Let's not stand here,' he says. 'I feel if we go away, a miracle may occur. There'll be divine intervention.' We wander outside into the early evening sun. ' M y intuitive sense,' says A r m a , 'is that they'll have this solved in forty-five minutes.' 'It really is a crap start to the tour,' says Neil. He thinks. 'These tilings are always a cable,' he says. ' N o t that I w o u l d know.' He sighs. 'This is so classic of us. We eventually get here, M T V is here, and we cancel the show.' In the distance we can see fans arriving. N e i l pretends to shout at them: 'It was all a kind of sophisticated j o k e ! O b v i o u s l y w e ' r e not really touring! We just go to a different venue every night and cancel the show! It's very situati -' He turns to me. ' W h a t are those people called?' T h e security guard stands and watches w h i l e N e i l takes Polaroids. 'It could be an installation: Miami at Night.' T h e guard says w h a t a b i g fan he is. '1 haven't got your last one,' he apologizes. 'Well,' says Neil, 'that's y o u r shopping list sorted out for tomorrow.' 'Shall we b o o k a restaurant?' sighs Chris. 'I just ate some chicken,' N e i l replies. 'That's the really annoying thing.' 'I just think it's dead funny,' says Chris. ' T h e show everyone's waited five y e a n for, and it's cancelled.' 'Have faith,' says Pete. ' Y o u gotta have faith,' sniggers Neil. Jacob Marley, the choreographer, wanders past. 'There's a problem?' he says, clcarly not appreciating the gravity of the situation. ' O h dear. We can stay i n M i a m i for another d a y . . . ' ' O h great, we can all go to the beach for another day, say the dancers,' mimics N e i l , 'hastily unpacking their s w i m m i n g trunks.' ' M a y b e we were never meant to tour A m e r i c a , ' C h r i s says. He laughs. ' A n n a ' s g o o d about these tilings: " O h , the show's been cancelled. That's rock'n'roll." ' Lynne Easton, their make-up artist, appears. She is w o r r i e d about the time. She doesn't k n o w about the problems. ' D o y o u want to go and get ready?' she urges. E v e r y o n e laughs. 'I think they'll suddenly sort this out, because I'm incredibly optimistic,' says N e i l . 'Well, you're the only one,' says Chris.

24

l'et Shop Boys versus America

Ж ' T h e y ' r e eliminating some of the noise,' reports A r m a , 'and then w o r k i n g on it for fifteen minutes and then you can listen to it.' '1 still think,' says Brad, their A m e r i c a n b o o k i n g agent, ' w e should find the D o l b y N o i s e R e d u c t i o n button and press it.' We go inside. Jon L e m o n , the sound engineer, plays a Steely D a n record through the P A . 'I prefer the buzz,' says Chris. R o b b i e runs past us. 'Everyone's getting a lot fitter anyway,' says Chris. ' W e should get an expert in. W e need R e d Adair. T h e R e d Adair o f rock.' It is n o w 7.4$. T h e y are due on-stage at 8.00. 'I haven't lost hope,' says A r m a . ' N o , I haven't lost h o p e yet,' agrees Neil. ' I ' m mindlessly optimistic as well.' Chris laughs at him. Jill Wall arrives. She has flown over just for this one show. As chance w o u l d have it, she's been talking to some fans w h o drove thirty hours from Canada to be here tonight. 'We should put them in a hotel,' says N e i l . 'We w o u l d n ' t k n o w w h e r e to find them now,' says Jill. 'Anyway, that's the least of our worries,' says Chris, 'our Canadian fans.' T h e M T V producer comes by. 'We're getting lots of shots of the police in case there's a riot,' he says. No one laughs. 'Just j o k i n g , ' he says. 'It'd be great television,' says Chris. ' A n d the next night,' N e i l nods, ' w e ' d fight back, totally triumphant.' Silence. ' O h dear,' sighs Chris. 'Well, someone's really b o o b e d . There's nothing to do. It's b o r i n g apart from anything else.' T h e y have a final listen to the problem buzz. It's still there, sometimes loud, sometimes not so loud. ' M y view,' says R o b b i e , 'is that this is unacceptable for a quality show.' ' M y vote,' echoes Ivan, 'is to postpone.' 'I don't think we want to start the tour with a disaster,' says N e i l . T h e decision is made. No show. Police are m o v e d into position around the hall - all the fans are waiting outside and in the foyer. Jill is very unhappy, i t ' s going to sound pathetic: they're not playing because of a technical hitch.' it is pathetic,' says N e i l , 'but that's the way it is.' 'I think y o u and Chris should leave immediately,' advises Ivan.

25

•

Ш

Р

М

Ш

l'et Shop Boys versus America

We pile into the bus. N e i l tries to hide before we pass the audience. 'We're g o i n g to get stoned,' says Chris. T h e y don't, o f course. 'Well,' says N e i l , gathering himself, 'it's very disappointing, I must say. It s o m e h o w seems incredibly typical that it should happen to us.' 'There's no use crying over spilt milk,' says Chris, deliberately deadpan, to m u c h laughter. ' T h e ridiculous tiling,' says N e i l , 'is that it's nothing to do with the complexity of the production.' ' W e ' v e b e e n shamed,' says Chris. 'We're publicly humiliated. T h e first chapter heading in the b o o k should be America 1 Pet Shop Boys o.' B a c k at the hotel Jill says, 'Definitely stay in the hotel tonight.' It w o u l d not l o o k g o o d to be found nightclubbing after y o u ' v e cancelled your concert. We g o to the bar. ' H o w ya doing?' asks the barman. ' O h , ' says Neil. 'Actually, w e ' r e not at all.' ' D i d I ask the w r o n g question?' says the barman. 'Well,' says N e i l , 'it's the most disastrous day of our lives.' T h e barman asks w h a t h e ' d like. 'It s o m e h o w seems inappropriate to drink champagne. 1 feel it w o u l d be w r o n g to be discovered drinking champagne, so I think I'll have white wine.' C h r i s appears from his r o o m . 'Are we drinking champagne?' he asks. ' N o , ' says N e i l , 'we're drinking white wine. We thought champagne was inappropriate.' ' C h a m p a g n e , then, please,' C h r i s tells the barman. We sit d o w n . Pete knocks his glass and it sends about three more tumbling. 'Everything is jinxed,' says N e i l . ' W e should never have done this tour, Jill. Everything we touch turns to dust. T h e best thing we can all do is go to bed w i t h a sleeping-pill. I think my star signs aren't in alignment.' He cocks an ear to the restaurant muzak. 'Mantovani,' he says. ' W e used to have this record at home.' A r m a appears. T h e y will play here t o m o r r o w night. T h e N e w Orleans show has been moved back until Friday night. T h e evening goes on and the conversation gets stranger. I overhear N e i l talking to Jill. i t ' s weird being us, isn't it?' he says.

28

l'et Shop Boys versus America

I 1

i

'It must take a bit of getting used to,' she says. 'It takes more getting used to as it goes on.' T h e talk opens up to the w h o l e table and they chat for ages about U2 and pop success. 'You're as g o o d as y o u r last show,' sniggers Chris. ' A n d , ' butts in N e i l , ' w e just cancelled it.'

29

Wednesday, 20 March

T h e problem is sorted out overnight. 'I've spoken to the people of Miami on the radio,' says N e i l , 'and they understand.' He says he introduced himself by saying, 'I'm here to grovel before the c o n c e r t - g o i n g public of M i a m i . ' It is probably a smart move. Katie hears two girls talking in a C o c o n u t Grove boutique about the cancellation, one saying to the other, 'I heard they were t o o wasted to go on.' W h e n Chris hears these rumours he is utterly thrilled. ' A c e , ' he says. 'That's brilliant...' Neil is wearing an A r m a n i suit; C h r i s is in shorts and a T-shirt. ' T h e y ' r e perfectly dressed as the Pet Shop B o y s today,' comments David Alden, the show's director. 'It's the perfect l o o k . ' At die venue Chris sends Pete to get me; Pete directs me towards a row in the production office b e t w e e n the promoter, A r m a , R o b b i e and Ivan. Ivan is the tour manager. He is shouting, 'I'm talking about i n c o m e and expenditure . . . This w h o l e tour is running on my ftickin' credit card.' T h e y are debating the financial repercussions of yesterday's cancellation. Ivan needs five thousand dollars in cash from the promoter, as originally agreed, for die tour cash flow. Eventually everyone but Ivan and A r m a leaves. 'I love it. I love it,' Ivan sighs. 'If it's easy, it gets boring.' S o m e o n e timidly knocks on the door. 'Yeah, c o m e in,' he says. 'I only shut die d o o r for drama.' ' D e a d presidents,' says Arma. 'What?' says Ivan. 'Cash,' explains Arma. We call t h e m dead presidents.' M e a n w h i l e Chris has decided he needs his o w n dressing-room. 'Suppose Neil wants to go to sleep,' he says, 'and also Neil's got into the habit of listening to classical music.' Sal Licata's photographer finally wants to photograph them. N e i l and Chris aren't keen. ' T h e y ' l l try to do something sneaky,' predicts N e i l , 'like issue it on the next twelve-inch mix.'

Pet Shop Roys versus America

'He's got the best connections,' insists A r m a . ' O K , ' Neil concedes, 'as long as we see them and have copyright.' N e i l makes s o m e derogatory comments about E M I , w h i c h I write d o w n . A r m a is horrified. ' W h a t are y o u doing? We have a t w o - or three-record deal.' 'It'll be g o o d w h e n y o u want to get us o f f the label,' says Neil. ' Y o u say, "Sal, have y o u seen page forty-three?" ' A r m a doesn't press the point, instead saying, 'This was the easiest delay of a show I've k n o w n . ' 'We're g o o d at cancellations,' says Chris. ' W e just cancelled for old time's sake,' says Neil. Pete brings in some of the tour merchandise. ' W h e r e did the black and green c o m e from?' asks D a v i d Alden. 'Mark Farrow thought of it,' says Chris. Mark Farrow is their designer. 'It's die colour of the tour. It's die colour of money.' A r m a announces, 'There's a photographer outside' - Chris nods but says nothing - 'and he wants to take stuff and we can place it.' ' N e i l , ' relays Chris, 'there's a d o d g y photographer outside and he wants to take photos of us and flog d i e m for lots of money.' T h e y get dressed into die school uniforms and shorts for 'This Must be the Place', the first song. N e i l looks at Chris approvingly. 'You're the kind of person w h o always used to l o o k g o o d in school uniform. I always l o o k e d naff.' 'I think everyone should wear them,' says Chris. 'Because there's no social distinction between people?' asks Neil. ' N o , ' says Chris, 'because they're sexy.' ' O n e minute thirty . . . ' says Tvan. T h e A m e r i c a n tour is finally about to start. ' Y o u know,' says Chris as they leave the dressing-room, 'I've got a feeling the American public might not like this show . . . ' It's a s h o w devised by David A l d e n and die designer David Fielding. ' W e have a style we have evolved over the years,' D a v i d A l d e n had told me w h e n I had interviewed him for the tour programme, 'a sort of dark, surrealistic, nightmarish vision of the m o d e r n world w h i c h w e ' v e used in various operas and theatre pieces. S o m e h o w the Pet S h o p Boys' songs seemed to cry out for the same sort of visual treatment.' T h e y put together a vague storyline, a j o u r n e y in w h i c h

l'et Shop Boys versus America

the Pet S h o p Boys travel from school to madness to popstardom to death, all the time battling w i t h strange forces w i t h i n them and against them, before finding some kind of rest. As a subtext A l d e n and Fielding imagined 'there's almost a kind of bet, and the w h o l e fate of the world is being decided by what happens to the Pet S h o p Boys on the j o u r n e y they're taking'. It meant lots of costumes, lots of acting and, until the very end, no recognition whatsoever of the normal relationship b e t w e e n a p o p musician and the audience. N e i l and Chris had wanted their previous tour, directed by D e r e k Jarman, to be theatrical, and had achieved part of that goal. This time they intended to push it as far as possible. B u t h o w will M i a m i take this? T h e lights dim, some classical music strikes up, and there are a f e w uncertain cheers. D u r i n g the prologue, in w h i c h Katie plays with a globe of the earth, D e r e k is stabbed and N o e l , dressed in m u c h finery, shows the audience a large old b o o k inscribed w i t h arcane symbols; y o u can hear the confusion. W h i c h ones are Pet Shop Boys? N e i l and Chris appear as 'This M u s t be the Place' begins, at the end of a chain of identically dressed schoolchildren holding hands. It is an effectively un-starlike entrance. T h e t w o of t h e m detach themselves from the others, but it is only w h e n N e i l begins to sing that most of the audience realize that the Pet S h o p Boys are n o w on-stage. T h e other 'schoolchildren' hold u p chalk boards w h i c h spell out

JESUS SAVES.

For 'It's a Sin' they change into nightgowns and are tormented by strange creatures. In 'Losing My M i n d ' Sylvia appears w i e l d i n g a whip. After a short instrumental interlude N e i l and C h r i s appear in their bowler-hatted moustached Magritte uniforms, carrying surfboards, for ' W h a t Have I D o n e to Deserve This?' T h e female dancers wear pumpkinlieads. D u r i n g ' M y O c t o b e r S y m p h o n y ' N e i l and C h r i s don't perform in the conventional sense (Derek sings) but simply appear at the back of the stage w i t h suitcases and a camera, then m o v e forward while dramas are acted around them. To their right C r a i g cracks open a giant statue of Stalin's head. After b e i n g surrounded by masked dancers during ' I ' m N o t Scared', only Chris remains on-stage for 'We All Feel Better in the D a r k ' , stripping to his underwear, putting on training shoes and then dancing with Trevor and Mark as various obsessive cameos, sexual and otherwise, are acted out by the dancers. N e i l and Pam duet 'So Sorry I Said', he in a strait-jacket and she in a wheelchair. T h e first half closes with 'Suburbia', Chris in a tiny cage and N e i l also caged and sat in an electric chair. As the music fades away Trevor and Mark, dressed as sharp-suited gangsters with wings, m a c h i n e - g u n the clock above die stage and it explodes, exposing its inner coils and cogs. *

38

l'et Shop Boys versus America

T h e r e is an interval midway during the show. T h e y return to their dressingroom. 'It seems to be g o i n g d o w n well,' says N e i l . ' T h e lighting's crap,' complains Chris. T h e r e have been a lot of missed cues. ' D o n ' t be totally negative, Chris,' says N e i l . David A l d c n pops in. 'I think A m e r i c a likes it,' he smiles, but agrees with Chris that 'it looks visually shoddy'. O t h e r compromises on the staging have been made w i t h o u t their authorization. 'I can just see,' predicts Chris, 'that it's g o i n g to get worse and worse until it gets to the stage w h e r e I ' m g o i n g to refuse to g o on.' But h o w m i g h t they handle this situation w i t h diplomacy? 'We'll get Dainton to whisper to Ivan that we're furious,' N e i l decides. 'I think y o u need to threaten him w i t h violence,' grumps Chris. ' Y o u don't need to do that,' says Neil. 'It's the only thing they understand,' insists Chris, 'otherwise they just think w e ' r e . . . ' H e never finds the w o r d . Susan B l o n d enters. 'It's the greatest thing I've ever seen,' she says before realizing that their m o o d hardly invites such comments. 'Arc y o u not happy?' T h e y say nothing. 'It's amazing. I was trying to figure out w h i c h things are lasers.' ' T h e r e aren't any lasers,' mutters Chris sullenly. H o w a r d pops his head round the door. 'Happy w i t h everything?' he asks. Chris merely glowers. W h e n he has g o n e C h r i s continues: ' W e ' v e g o t to get the idea o u t of people's heads that the tour is g o i n g to be fun. It's g o i n g to be bloody hard w o r k . ' He's also furious w i t h the way some of the dancers played to the audience, particularly Craig's exhortation after cracking open the giant head of Stalin. 'It was like w e ' v e kicked Iraqi ass,' says Chris with disgust. ' H e can just watch out.' Pete appears. ' W h o s e idea was it to have an interval?' ' G e o r g e Michael's,' says N e i l . ' W e stole it.' 'It's a brilliant move,' says Pete. ' T h e y ' r e screaming for merchandise.' He catches the drift of the atmosphere. 'Are y o u enjoying it?' ' N o , ' answers Chris. 'It's crap.' A r m a turns up. 'It's fabulous,' he raves. 'A thousand times better.' *

39

l'et Shop Boys versus America

T h e second half begins with 'So Hard'. N e i l and C h r i s wear leather and wigs, their hair teased upwards in a ludicrous gravity-defying fashion, and carry umbrellas marked with a question mark. T h e y change again for 'Opportunities' and ' H o w C a n Y o u Expect To Be Taken Seriously?' and parade more daft wigs, this time in the style of the most ghastly g i n k y eighties M T V p o p stars. D u r i n g the latter song N e i l asks Chris, ' D o y o u have a message for your fans?' and holds out the m i c r o p h o n e to him. M o s t times Chris will morosely shake his head, but tonight he takes it and says, 'Sorry about last night.' Sylvia's rendition o f ' R e n t ' follows, then ' W h e r e the Streets Have No N a m e . . . ' is performed as a Las Vegas show-stopper. For 'West E n d Girls' N e i l commentates from the side of the stage in an overcoat w h i l e in the centre Chris drinks, fights and get sick. D u r i n g 'Jealousy' they arc pinned to the ground by t w o giant monuments in the shape of Oscars, and collapse, dead, in each other's arms. T h e r e is a m o m e n t of silence, w h e n the audience don't realize that the show is over, then hearty applause and screaming. T h e y return as angels, perform 'Always on My M i n d ' , introduce the cast and close with 'Your Funny U n c l e ' , the t w o of t h e m lying d o w n on beds as it finishes, N e i l saying 'goodnight'. Backstage they seem muted. People keep popping their heads round the door: 'Incredible show!' 'Brilliant!' ' W i t h a show like that,' says Brad, the b o o k i n g agent, 'people will c o m e and see y o u for ever.' 'That's g o o d , ' says Chris, 'because we're not doing it again.' T h e y change. 'I think,' he sighs, 'we're contracted to go to a hospitality r o o m . ' In fact, first A r m a wants to bring d o w n Sal and his photographer. 'Sal has flipped,' he reports. 'Ask for a million pounds,' says Neil. Sal arrives and passes out congratulations with a well-practised enthusiasm. T h e photographer begins taking photos. 'Let's do it in the bathroom,' suggests Chris. 'That's m o r e us.' T h e y line up. ' D i d n ' t they love the oral sex?' C h r i s asks him - there is a m o m e n t between several pairs of dancers in ' W e AH Feel Better in the D a r k ' . 'I can't wait to get to Salt Lake City.' Sal looks nonplussed and mutters something complimentary about Sylvia's singing. 'We'll go upstairs,' A r m a diplomatically breaks in, 'shake a f e w hands.' B e f o r e they go N e i l talks to Ivan. ' W e ' v e got to line up a meeting,' he says,

40

Pet Shop Bovs versus America

4 R

'because w e , the creative ones, are horrified that y o u , the rock'n'rollers, are skimping on the detail. I think people think these are whims, but they really, really matter.' Ivan nods. 'I understand. It's the details that make the s h o w ' Pete has been up to the meet'n'greet and reports back. ' N o drink up there,' he says. ' I ' m not g o i n g if there's no drink,' says Chris. D o w n here there is champagne - it is in their touring contract that the local promoter provides champagne in their dressing-room - but not champagne that meets their approval. 'It's really crap champagne,' says Neil. ' D o we not specify the make?' 'French champagne,' says Ivan. Up at the meet'n'greet some fans quiz Chris. 'Was everything live?' one asks. 'Yes, everything,' he says. A n o t h e r asks him to sign one of the T-shirts with Neil's face on it. ' Y o u ' v e got the w r o n g one,' Chris tells him, then proceeds to write u p o n it ' C h r i s L o w e (not pictured!)'. Neil's hotel room: 'Neil's got a nicer room than m e , ' complains Chris. Neil's bedside reading is The Life and Evil Time of Nicolae Ceaufescu. Chris relates h o w a fan told h i m 'you make Erasure l o o k crap'. 'There's a g o o d reason for that,' says N e i l . Jill brings in a bottle of D o m Perignon. 'It's that all-important word: expensive,' says Neil, and finally they celebrate.

4)

Thursday, 21 March

T h e r e is a certain amount of drama as we leave the Mayfair House H o t e l , everyone laden with far too m u c h M i a m i shopping. D a v i d A l d e n and Jill Wall say their goodbyes for the m o m e n t . Pennie Smith discovers that her cameras have been stolen. It turns out that the hotel security have them, but have forced their backs open, damaging them. It is all very mysterious. After messy and inconclusive recriminations we leave. 'I expected us to be waved o f f by the C o c o n u t Grove Traders: " T h a n k y o u for coming; thank y o u for spending," ' says Neil. ' T h e recession continues now.' N e w Orleans, the Seaport C a j u n C a f e and Bar: A r m a gives a potted history of the town, dwelling a w h i l e on tales of old absinthe houses. 'It's illegal now. It makes y o u mad,' nods Neil. Chris perks up. ' C a n y o u get it?' S o o n N e i l and A r m a are discussing A m e r i c a n history. At one point N e i l inteijects, 'But y o u were d o i n g something sneaky like siding with the French.' Chris talks about wanting to travel between towns on one of the crew trucks. ' W h y don't y o u ride around the block, get it out of y o u r system?' suggests Arma. 'Chris was g o i n g to go youth-hostelling on his last holidays, w i t h a b a c k pack,' N e i l points out. 'A millionaire pop star backpacking,' tuts Pete. 'Ex-millionaire, after this tour.' T h e y discuss the tour deficit. 'I'll do anything to not make this tour lose money,' says Chris. T h i s time Arma's ears perk up. 'We'll find a sponsor,' he enthuses. 'I've done a big interview saying h o w we'll never do corporate sponsorship,' says Chris. ' Y o u didn't?' says A r m a , quite horrified.

43

l'et Shop Boys versus America

'Yes.' ' W h e n ? ' asks A n n a , l o o k i n g for ways to salvage the situation. ' T w o years ago?' 'Yesterday.' 'You didn't m e n t i o n any names, did you?' H e ' s still trying. 'I talked about Pepsi and C o k e . ' A r m a looks a little downcast. 'Actually,' N e i l says to him, ' w e ' d never do that.' 'It could be ironic,' suggests Chris, n o w he's out of the firing line. ' O h yes,' says N e i l . 'Ironic.' T h e r e is a long pause, then A r m a turns to Chris once more. ' D i d y o u really do a number on sponsorship?' 'Yup' ' A r m a , ' explains N e i l , 'it's o n e of our big spiels. W h e n "West E n d Girls" was o u t Sprite offered us a quarter of a million pounds. I rewrote the lyrics for them, and then we said no. O u r manager was nearly in tears 'I h o p e y o u ' v e learned the error of your ways,' says Arma. 'If anyone wants to make a donation to the arts - i.e. our show - and not get a mention, that's fine,' says Chris, trying to be conciliatory. A r m a persists, then N e i l steps in. 'I think it ruins it. L o o k at M i c h a e l Jackson. W h e n he did Off the Wall he was Pepsi-free and he was great. W h e n he did Bad, w h i c h was also a TV c o m m e r c i a l . . . ' 'It might not be Pepsi,' argues A r m a . 'It m i g h t be a product that was compatible in some obscure way.' 'I w o u l d n ' t mind that,' says N e i l warily. 'Like, w e ' r e g o i n g to do a deal with M a x Factor for Cathy Dennis.' 'It w o u l d have to be something very appropriate,' argues Chris. 'Like what?' wonders N e i l . ' C o n d o m s ? ' ' W e d o n ' t have to get into w h o it is right now,' deflects A r m a . 'I think w e ' d be better o f f sponsored by electrical products,' N e i l offers, trying to be helpfi.il. 'Maxell,' suggests Chris. ' O r M e m o r e x , ' says N e i l . ' "Is it live or is it M e m o r e x ? " over everything we do!' w h o o p s Chris. We walk up to the Mississippi and see one of the paddle-cruisers go by. It is, we are

told,

the boat on w h i c h

C h a m e l e o n ' video. •

44

Culture

Club

filmed

their ' K a r m a

Pet Shop Boys versus A m e r i c a

I

Everyone is taken out to dinner at a placc called Brennan's. Neil watches R E M singer Michael Stipe gyrate on M T V . '1 can't bear that dancing,' he says. He moves to walk back to the table. 'We didn't c o m e here to watch M T V . ' T h e M T V announces that 'next up' is MTV News. Neil turns around. ' O h , I think we should watch MTV News.' At the end of MTV News is a fairly flattering lengthy sequence about the Pet Shop Boys tour w h i c h closes with some fans' comments: 'it's so cool, it's like a play'; 'it's a theatrical masterpiece'. Everyone is thrilled.

45

Friday, 22 March

'I don't really like N e w Orleans,' complains Chris, w h o has only been here for five minutes. 'It looks like another city in decline. I k n o w it's the real thing, but it looks like a theme park, and every other shop's a crappy T-shirt shop. It's really sad. I can't really imagine anyone c o m i n g to see us in this place. W h e n I l o o k around I can't see any relation between us and here. I don't k n o w w h y w e ' r e playing here.' At the Saenger Theater R o b b i e calls a meeting. He says he's w o r r i e d about the shows in San Francisco and Boston. T h e stages are t o o small, and he'd like the venues changed. 'It's not a v e r y big market for us, Boston, is it?' says Chris. A r m a says he's not t o o keen to have t h e m playing m u c h bigger venues. ' T h e w h o l e point of this tour is to have people outside w h o can't get in.' 'Exacdy,' says Neil. T h e r e are further, rather sharp discussions about the backdrop and the props and the missing snow and the costumes and the lighting. 'It worries me that we're negotiating the l o o k of the show,' debates N e i l calmly. 'It has to b e c o m e a fixed thing. It's crazy. At the m o m e n t it's shoddy.' 'Basically,' sighs R o b b i e , ' w e are doing a show that is too complicated for the circuit we are doing. A n d the theatre props are not designed to be dirown on and o f f trucks every night. W e ' r e g o i n g to have to keep spending. T h e r e ' s g o i n g to be running costs, to rebuild and restore. T h e y spent the w h o l e budget on one set of everything.' 'For sixty thousand pounds,' fumes Ivan, ' w e get one dress rehearsal at the B r i x t o n Academy.' T h e r e is also a problem with the t w o musicians, Scott (playing keyboards and operating the computers) and J.J. (playing guitar). T h e y are in the wings to the right as y o u face the stage; Scott can just be seen, but J.J. is completely hidden. ' I ' m w o r r i e d on a personal level - we did not employ them to stand backstage,' says N e i l .

46

Pet Shop Boys versus Amcrica

I \

'I thought we did,' says Ivan. ' N o , ' N e i l insists. 'We always meant to get t h e m on the side of the stage or in the orchestra pit. I k n o w J.J. is getting pissed off. It must be a bit frustrating.' T h e y run through everything. It turns out that the lighting problem is partly because the lighting is so complicated (790 cues, says R o b b i e ; they have overloaded a console that is considered able to c o p e w i t h anything) but largely because they are obliged to employ local spot operators at each venue. ' T h i s country of yours, A r m a , ' sighs Neil. 'It's like Britain in the sixties.' 'Also,' says R o b b i e , 'it's designed with theatre in mind, w h e r e they have a three-day pre-light.' 'Yeah,' concedes Neil, 'but it's a theatre mentality we wanted for the lighting.' R o b b i e suggests increasing the overall light level. 'You never can see anything,' demurs Chris, meaning at other artists' concerts. 'I never saw M a d o n n a , ' N e i l agrees. 'It's just tough bananas,' says Chris. 'We should go over w h a t y o u want in the dressing-room,' suggests Ivan. N e i l has been complaining about the obligatory plates of cold meat: he can't bear the smell in such confined spaces. 'I think w h a t it boils d o w n to,' N e i l explains, 'is some w h i t e wine, s o m e water, and as many bottles of champagne as we can have.' T h e y visit a local radio station, B 9 7 . On the way A r m a tells them that seven musical directors from radio stations are being flown in for tomorrow's show. 'Most of the s c h m o o z i n g takes place after the show,' he explains. 'Kiss a few babies, shake a f e w hands and ask them point-blank if they're g o i n g to play " W h e r e the Streets . . . ' " W h e n they are led into the DJ booth the DJ is playing 'Joyride' by R o x e t t e . ' O K , everyone,' he says, 'whistle along 'This is your first visit to the U S ? ' he asks. 'Is it?' says Chris. ' N o , actually 1 was born in Milwaukee.' 'You're kidding me!' exclaims the DJ. ' N o , was 1 heck,' says Chris. 'Chris,' he persists, 'what's your summation of N e w Orleans?' 'Very pleasant,' he says. 'I like it. All a bit old for me, that French stuff, and it's a pity, all those tourist shops.'

47

1 •1

- r— "

l'et Shop Boys versus America

T h e DJ invites phone calls from listeners to quiz N e i l and Chris. T h e first is put o n air. ' C a n I have a pair of Sting tickets?' ' W e ' v e run out.' ' O h . C a n I talk to the Pet S h o p Boys, then?' B o t h o f them shout, ' N o ! ' T h e next caller asks, ' W h e r e did y o u get y o u r name?' 'We met in a pet shop,' says Chris. T h e next caller asks for Pet S h o p B o y s tickets. ' W o u l d y o u like to ask them a question?' prompts the DJ. ' N o , ' answers the caller. T h e next caller says, ' C a n I ask y o u a question about my girlfriend?' ' N o t right now,' says the D J . T h e next callers are t w o girls together, C i n d y and R e n e e . 'I have three of y o u r tapes taped,' says Cindy. ' Y o u can ask my m o m . ' ' W h i c h tapes do y o u have?' asks the DJ. 'I taped t h e m o f f my friend's tapes,' says Cindy. 'I just want to tell t h e m they're really, really g o o d . ' ' T h e y say they appreciate it very m u c h , ' the DJ diplomatically inteijects. T h e next caller says, 'I want to compliment y o u on all your songs. T h e y seem to c o m m e n t on m o d e r n issues.' 'Are y o u c o m i n g to the show tonight?' asks N e i l . ' I ' m n o t sure I'll be able to get o u t . . . ' he says, then puts the p h o n e d o w n . ' O u t o f what?' wonders Chris. ' T h a t was spooky.' T h e n the DJ asks some banal questions of his o w n and they do the usual series of radio I D s ('Hello, Surf C l u b Live! We're the Pet Shop Boys!'). On the escalator back to the car Chris sighs and says, 'It's a bit depressing. O n e thing's for sure - I don't want to spend my life cracking A m e r i c a . ' Later he adds, ' Y o u know, I never want to go to a radio station ever again. I just can't bear it.' B u t he will have to. B a c k at the venue they discuss their f o r t h c o m i n g live appearance on A m e r i c a ' s most important chat show, The Tonight Show. 'I d o n ' t k n o w if we shouldn't do w h a t we normally do,' says Chris. ' B e a duo. Otherwise, on-stage you're g o i n g to see a Rastafarian guitarist and w e ' r e g o i n g to l o o k like everyone else.'

50

l'et Shop Boys versus America

' W e ' v e g o t Trevor and M a r k , ' points out N e i l . 'Yeah,' says Chris, 'but that's not that different. For the Arsenio Hall s h o w we had a scratch video made and banks of video screens and we had our attitude sorted out. We can't just plonk ourselves in front of a bunch of musicians. I don't want to be presented as us and a band. It's the w r o n g tiling.' He thinks. ' W e want lots of dry ice and smoke.' N e i l nods. 'It's g o t t o l o o k v e r y . . . ' ' . . . moody,' says Chris. 'Technical,' says Neil. 'Like we l o o k like,' says Chris. ' W e should be right next to each other,' adds N e i l . 'We have to establish that we are a duo. We have to l o o k like a duo.' A m a n comes laden with bowls of salad. N e i l and C h r i s tell h i m they d o n ' t want it and ask him to take it away, but he categorically refuses. 'I have to stick all this stuff in here,' he insists. ' Y o u gotta tell s o m e o n e b i g or else I'll get in trouble.' So they give in, he deposits the f o o d and leaves. ' Y o u can't not have f o o d in y o u r dressing-room,' huffs Neil. 'It's absolutely de rigueur.' Downstairs there is a soundcheck. T h e y go through ' R e n t ' over and over, Sylvia unhappy with Derek's harmonies, and D e r e k unhappy with Sylvia's criticisms. ' Y o u always tell me different things,' he huffs. ' I ' m not saying it's w r o n g , ' she pacifies him, 'it's just not right.' Chris is on the telephone in the production office, talking to the art director of The Tonight Show in Los Angeles. ' W h a t we want out of it is something that looks like the Pet Shop Boys show - moody, lots of white light, maybe something extra like a flower strobe or a laser . . . Everything. As much as y o u ' v e got, throw at us . . . I really don't k n o w w h a t y o u r show looks like . . . If you're g o i n g for any image, kind of m o d e r n , industrial, technical. We usually perform in front of banks of video screens, but we haven't got anything to project on them n o w . . . It's a duo w i t h a few extras, not a b a n d . . . ' He re-joins N e i l in the catering room. 'I had a w o r d with the art director for The Tonight Show.' ' W h o is he?' asks Neil. ' N o one k n o w s his name,' misquotes Chris. ' H e said, " Y o u have no creative

52

l'et Shop Boys versus America

control whatsoever - get lost." ' He didn't. 'I told h i m we didn't want any closeups of Scott playing the keyboards.' ' Y o u told h i m that?' laughs N e i l . ' Y o u nasty.' 'I've seen shows w h e n the main members of the band don't get s h o w n , ' says Chris. 'Duran D u r a n - N i c k R h o d e s didn't get shown at the D i a m o n d Awards. M o s t people in A m e r i c a haven't seen us at all and they'll just think it's a band.' T h e y discuss clothes for the show. Chris is depressed that he can't find a g o o d n e w wardrobe. 'I could wear my LA Raiders clothes,' he glumly reflects. 'I don't even k n o w w h a t sport LA Raiders is.' Back in the dressing-room N e i l picks up his schoolboy pair of socks and waves t h e m about in a fury. ' T h e y ' v e done it again! Socks w i t h different lengths.' ' W e shouldn't swap socks,' Chris tuts maternally, 'because they can give y o u verrucas.' 'Five minutes,' says Jacob. ' O h , it's such a chore d o i n g this show,' says Chris. 'I think by die time we get to LA it will be treated like The Rocky Horror Show. I think there will be bits in the show w h e r e people bring out umbrellas.' ' W h e r e ' s my pumpkin?' s o m e o n e shouts in the corridor. ' N o w y o u don't get that backstage at many rock shows,' says Chris. ' " W h e r e ' s my p u m p k i n ? " ' A n d o f f they go. Chris sighs in anticipation. 'I hate it w h e n it's not fun,' he says. Halftime: ' T h e y ' r e a filthy audience,' says N e i l . T h e r e were wolf-whistles for the SM vixens in 'It's a Sin'. 'There's a horrible blonde w o m a n near the front,' complains Chris, ' w h o ' s saying, " C o m e on, impress m e . " ' ' R a t h e r like us,' says Neil. C h r i s wanders into the bathroom. 'Let's . . . take a pee,' he sings, to the tune o f ' S u b u r b i a ' . He says he prefers the second half. ' T h e first half is really b o r i n g apart from "Suburbia".' ' " W h a t Have 1 D o n e to Deserve T h i s ? " is g o o d , ' says N e i l . 'There's that n e w bit,' objects Chris, 'your singers have added that we don't like.'

54

I

Pet S h o p Boys versus America

'Well, if y o u ' d c o m e to music rehearsals -' says N e i l . 'I could have said it was crap,' interrupts Chris. ' O h , it's uphill all the way now. Or downhill. M i n d y o u , I hate "West E n d Girls" ' W e think you should be actually sick,' says Neil. ' A n d then eat it o f f the floor like a dog,' says Chris. 'Like Divine.' He gets dressed for the second half. 'It's t o o hot to wear a w i g , ' he moans. 'It is never too hot to wear a w i g , ' chastises Neil. Pete comes in. ' T h e y ' r e making people sit d o w n w h e n they stand up,' he complains. 'That's A m e r i c a , ' says Chris, 'land of the free.' W h e n they c o m e off-stage Dainton gruffly announces, 'Upstairs. C h a m p a g n e already poured.' 'You're not supposed to do that,' scolds Chris. 'There's that all-important pop.' N e i l says he got the introductions w r o n g . ' T h e y all said I said, "J.J. B e l l y " . I'm the one w i t h the belly, let's face it.' N e i l takes his make-up off. 'This is a new variant on a crap dressing-room,' he says. 'There's hot water and no cold water.' 'I'm g o i n g downstairs to check o u t hostility,' says A r m a . T h e r e is a rather surly G e r m a n journalist d o w n there. ' D i d you like it?' Neil asks. 'To be honest,' he says, 'a f e w things I hated and a f e w things I loved.' ' O h , just write about the things y o u loved,' says Neil. T h e G e r m a n then shares his insights with Chris. 'A f e w things were v e r y g o o d , ' he imperiously announces, 'and a few things were very bad. 1 never saw the last tour, but I would have thought it was better . . . ' He complains about the pigs. He thinks they're like Pink Floyd. ' W h a t I like about the Pet S h o p Boys is a certain ambiguity, but if y o u talk about pigs there is no ambiguity.' 'I just think they l o o k really g o o d , ' says Chris. 'I don't care what the symbolism is. A n d I like it w h e n they start to eat us.' Outside they sign autographs. O n e group say they're from M o b i l e and N e i l says, 'That's in a B o b D y l a n song', and attempts a brief nasal B o b D y l a n impression. C h r i s has announced he doesn't want to drive to Houston as planned. He wants to go by plane. 'I can't believe that,' laughs Neil. 'Chris, w h o the bus was laid on for, is n o w going t o f l y . ' *

55

Pet Shop Roys versus America

Public N e w s , Houston, 20 March, 'Pet Shop Boys arrive in the Land of the Big Mall': The Pet Shop Boys bring an extravagant stage show to Southern Star on Saturday . . . I asked Chris Lowe if perhaps Pet Shop Boys songs like the elegant 'My October Symphony' are the classical music of the future. 'I don't really have an answer for that one,' he admitted.

Saturday, 23 March

Houston: N e i l goes shopping. He buys a stetson and some c o w b o y boots. T h e local E M I promotions man is called D a n . He raves about a ballad on the n e w R o x e t t e album, 'Spending My T i m e ' . He says it will be number one for at least three weeks. He says he likes ' . . . Streets . . . ' too: 'it's a different twist for y o u so up and full of energy - and it's familiar, w h i c h is always in favour of the audience . . . ' T h e n he's raving about Queensryche's single 'Silent Lucidity': 'we're breaking n e w ground w i t h that - it's six minutes and forty-six seconds; they're playing it kicking and screaming 'It's not h o w long a record is,' mutters N e i l , 'it's h o w l o n g it seems.' We head for K K B Q radio station. T h e r e are the parents of some fans in the lift. ' W e ' v e c o m e to pick up free tickets. O u r son will kill us w h e n he hears.' N e i l gives t h e m a signed Pet Shop B o y s postcard. On the floor w h e r e the radio station is some fans appear. W e ' v e been waiting in the bathroom for about five hours!' they breathlessly exclaim. 'This is Jessica,' one introduces. ' O h my G o d ! ' screams Jessica. 'This is cool!' 'So y o u ' v e been potted up in the kazi?' confirms Dainton. N e i l does the interview; mostly the usual questions. 'This isn't a Texan accent we're hearing,' the D J , w h o is called Jammer, notes accurately. ' N o , it i s n ' t . . . y'all,' says Neil. 'Every time I meet s o m e o n e from England I have to ask them,' the DJ continues, ' d o y o u k n o w Paul M c C a r t n e y ? ' ' N o , I don't,' says Neil. It's over. N e i l says to the programme director, 'Thanks for playing the records' and he answers, rather sweetly, 'Well, I haven't played them all.' T h e n w h e n we leave he says, 'Hey, man, that's w h a t it's all about - promotion in motion.' We head straight for the Southern Star Amphitheater - a stage set in an

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

open semicircular b o w l . C l o s e to the stage there are seats; further back is a w i d e grassy hill. Venues like this are called 'sheds' and hold around fifteen to twenty thousand people, whereas the theatres the Pet S h o p B o y s are playing average three to four thousand. B e h i n d the stage is a funfair, w h i c h is included in the price of admission. N e i l looks around. 'There's no o n e here,' he says. ' I ' m being a Chris L o w e pessimist.' Chris arrives from the airport. 'Sheds!' he says. 'That's more like it. I think I've got the touring b u g . ' He heads o f f to try out the funfair rides. 'It's funny,' he says w h e n he returns, 'I'm scared stiff flying, but on a fairground ride, w h i c h is m u c h more dangerous . . . ' He moves on to an example: ' S o m e o n e got decapitated in Blackpool a couple of years ago. T h e y stood up as a train was g o i n g towards a bridge.' N e i l retires to the dressing-room. 'I'm hiding from the Der Spiegel man.' T h e y are annoyed w i t h the G e r m a n journalist, w h o is f o l l o w i n g them for one m o r e day, because of his m e a l y - m o u t h e d and arrogant concert appraisal last night. He inspects the soft drinks on the table, clearly remembering the sponsorship conversation w i t h A r m a . 'This Must be the Sprite I Waited Years to Taste,' he says. 'It's a Sprite.' He reminisces o n c e more about the amended 'West E n d Girls' rap he w r o t e five years previously. ' T h e y ' d done this ghasdy thing so I rewrote it to make it more like us, more obscure. It was all about being on a beach, something like " o n the beach and the surf / w h e n the sun is up / y o u reach for the taste / of the freshest cup / the taste is S p r i t e . . . " ' T h e y have decided to give the G e r m a n a formal interview, but only a short one. Ivan is told to tell h i m he can have ten minutes. He stomps in and rather sullenly says, '1 hear we can only do fifteen minutes.' 'Ten,' clarifies N e d . T h e questions start out p o m p o u s and dull, but get better w h e n he asks N e i l about the significance of both Pet Shop B o y s c o m i n g from the north of England. 'I think northerners w h o c o m e to the south,' he says, 'have a kind of suspicion of the place, and also they have a different enthusiasm and attitude. Southerners,

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People from Manchester, for instance, have a very strong, unique way of behaving - people talk slower and they're very self-conscious - whereas in the north-east people are more overtly fun-loving and o p e n and innocent . . . I think that w h e n y o u c o m e from the north y o u have a sense of w o n d e r that y o u don't have if you're from the south, and I think that sense of w o n d e r informs pop m u s i c . . . ' T h e G e r m a n asks w h e d i e r N e i l was glad he was old before he became successful. 'People have a limited carecr,' he answers, 'and it's sad w h e n people are finished by twenty-seven, washed up, and they k n o w nothing else. I feel I had a life before and maybe I'll have a life again. If we stopped being successful 1 w o u l d n ' t be very happy, but I w o u l d n ' t be washed up. I think it's made us m u c h more level-headed.' Doesn't, the G e r m a n persists, a passion for pop music fade w i t h age? 'It doesn't seem to,' N e i l answers. S o o n he is talking about his teenage theatrics: 'I was always fascinated by the theatre - I played in Under Milk Wood, I was in The Merry Wives of Windsor - I played Pistol - and 1 was in Oliver! 1 had the smallest speaking part. I think I ' m slightly stagestruck, is the fact of the matter.' T h e G e r m a n asks about their planned musical. 'We're thinking about it,' says N e i l . 'It'll probably never happen.' Chris finally breaks his silence. ' W e were g o i n g to do one called Cheese,' he relates deadpan, ' w h e r e all the characters play different cheeses. Like C a m e m bert. It'd be a bit like Starlight Express.' W h y do people like them? asks the slightly baffled G e r m a n . 'I think it's because they think we're different,' says N e i l , 'and they like that w e ' v e g o t a sense of reserve about w h a t we do.' So w h a t is the nature of their roles on stage? 'Well, the s h o w is centred on us. We are the Pet S h o p Boys. At the end we were g o i n g to say, "Tonight we were the Pet Shop B o y s " , but it sounded a bit pretentious.' T h e y tell h i m about Harvey Goldsmith's idea to run die show in the West E n d w i t h other people taking their roles. T h e G e r m a n wants to k n o w w h o they think w o u l d be g o o d . ' V i n c e Clarke and A n d y Bell,' says C h r i s mischievously. T h e G e r m a n leaves. 'Strange, isn't he?' says Chris. 'I don't like h i m hanging around.' He looks at me. 'It's bad enough having o n e journalist.' *

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I talk to some fans in the front row. 'They're totally different from anyone else.' 'They're aloof, but I like it.' 'I'm going to move to London, because I hate America.' ' T h e y have a cold tone, but it makes y o u feel g o o d . ' 'I like Neil Tennant's voice. He sounds kinda like A1 Stewart.' ' T h e y have black-and-white record covers and a sad look on their faces.' 'Their tides are so simple.' ' M y aunt is a manager for Harry C o n n i c k Jnr.' ' T h e y talk about love in a different way to most people. Everyone else is "love - it's the best thing, baby".' ' T h e y have a lot of song titles that begin with " W " . ' 'I like the fact that they've kept the same image. You don't see that too much. Most people change w h o they are, like Madonna, but they obviously liked w h o they were in the first place.' Backstage: 'Chris,' says Neil, 'there's twenty thousand Texans out there and we're going to c o m e on in school uniforms and do some dirty dancing.' ' O h well,' says Chris. 'It sounds good.' Neil nods. 'We always tend to overlook that. That there is quite a lot of music.' Some people have been telling Neil h o w they liked It Couldn't Happen Here, the Pet Shop Boys' film. 'So they probably will like the show: it's actually the show of the film. T h e y go on a journey and meet lots of strange people. Let's face it: w e ' v e got one idea.' T h e y talk about album tides. N e i l says that he suggested the Electronic album be called Drug References. T h e y w o r r y what they'll call their forthcoming greatest hits record. T h e y consider As It Were and The Importance of Being Pet Shop Boys. T h e orchestrated Pet Shop Boys medley of the overture begins. 'I've still got alcohol in me from last night,' says Chris. 'Did you go for it?' asks Neil. ' N o , I didn't go for it,' he answers, 'but I got there anyway.' 'I think our songs work better as swing than electrodisco,' says Neil, listening to the medley. 'It's very Frank Sinatra.' He sings along, Sinatra-style. ' "East End boys and West End chicks" . . . Frank always sings "chicks".' *

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Hal fame: 'It's a huge h a p p e n e d ' exclaims N e d . 'This is a show for the sheds.' T h e atmosphere is triumphant - f r o m the stage there are people as far as y o u can see. Up on the grass knoll some fans have even started a bonfire, and in the o u t d o o r Houston air it feels less like a concert presentation and more like a celebration. 'Superb!' says Ivan, bursting into the dressing-room. 'It's a rock show. It's a fuckin' rock show.' 'I like A m e r i c a n audiences,' says N e i l . 'I tell you what's g o o d about them. T h e y ' r e not post-everything; they're still into things.' Ivan tells them diey're invited to an Oscars party. ' M a y b e Sean Perm w i l l be there,' says Chris. " W h e n R o b e r t de N i r o came to L o n d o n , ' digresses Lynne, 'and Bananarama had " R o b e r t de Niro's Waiting" out diey w e n t to Zanzibar to meet him and he said, " W h y did y o u call it that?" and they said because they couldn't think of anything to rhyme with "A1 P a c i n o " and then diey were sick on the pavement outside in front of him.' ' W e should make a record w i t h them,' says N e i l . Afterwards they are lined up w i t h about fifteen radio DJs for a photograph. Instead of asking d i e m to say 'cheese', die man from E M I w h o is holding die camera says, 'Everyone say "Streets W i t h No N a m e " . ' T h e n he corrects this instruction t o ' E v e r y b o d y A d d Streets W i t h N o N a m e ' . An incredibly long limousine ferries d i e m back to the hotel. W h e n they pull up there is a party of H o u s t o n socialites in incredibly swanky evening wear. 'There's nothing better than w h e n there's loads of snoots outside a hotel,' says N e i l , 'and a b u n c h of scruffs turn up in a limo. That's w h a t rock'n'roll is all about.' I am t o o tired to stay up, but they go o f f to a nightclub, the Lizard L o u n g e , to celebrate Ivan's birthday in decadent style. Chris does an interview with another radio station - 9 3 Q - live from the club. 'It's kind of fitting,' he tells N e i l in the m o r n i n g , 'that y o u do interviews in the afternoon and I do one in the middle of the night.' Houston Post, 25 March, 'Music takes second billing in Pet Shop Boys concert': The Pet Shop Boys didn't put on much of a concert at Southern Star Amphitheater Saturday night. But the British duo sure put on one heck of a show . . . The Boys ivrite

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disco with a message . .. But the irony of the message seemed lost on much of the young crowd amongst the estimated 5,000 concertgoers . .. After two hours of such surreal pop opera, one couldn't help but pine for the good ol' days when a vocalist simply stood at a microphone and sang.

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Sunday, 24 March

In the car to the airport N e i l is feeling a little woozy. He says that a man from a radio station told h i m last night that their show scored nine out o f t e n . ' H e only gave Sting three out o f t e n . ' We l o o k at Houston, a litde cluster of buildings against the flat skyline. 'It's like Planet of the Apes,' says Chris. 'It's like a mirage,' says N e i l . 'It's a city totally built for cars. It's like a normal city, except on the scale of cars, not of people.' 'I like Texas,' says Chris. 'It's so big. H o w many times can y o u fit Great Britain into Texas?' 'I don't b i o w , ' answers N e i l , 'but I ' m sure y o u ' v e tried.' T h e y discuss famihes. Chris's parents will be arriving in Los Angeles from England this afternoon. Neil's brother Philip and his girlfriend will be there too. 'For some reason I ' m not l o o k i n g forward to L A , ' says N e i l . 'It kind of depresses me, staying in the M o n d r i a n again.' He sighs. ' W e ' v e only been away f r o m h o m e for two weeks.' 'I guess a year feels the same,' says Chris. ' N o , ' says Neil, 'a year w o u l d be like a lifetime.- Y o u have to hand it to touring - it completely divorces y o u from real life.' Madonna's ' R e s c u e M e ' comes on the radio. ' C o u n t the cliches,' says Neil. 7 believe in the power of love. Rescue me. Y o u can just tick t h e m off.' 'We must do our cliche record,' Chris reminds him. T h e y ' v e long j o k e d of making a record stringing together every single banal pop cliche in one song. N o t everyone is flying to Los Angeles. T h e singers, musicians, Trevor and Mark and the necessary off-stage staff are c o m i n g - everyone else is g o i n g straight on to San Francisco. T h o s e Los Angeles b o u n d fly via Dallas. D u r i n g our stopover N e i l buys Richard N i x o n ' s latest b o o k , this w e e k ' s New Yorker (lie wants to read an article about Truman) and t w o Spiderman comics. He looks on the credits page and recognizes the name Chris Claremont from his days in the

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

seventies editing Marvel's British editions. 'I used to talk to him.' T h e n he has a shoeshine. In the limo from Los Angeles airport: ' O f f to be imprisoned in the hotel,' says N e i l sulkily. 'You should learn to drive, N e d , ' says Chris. N e i l decides they should hire the hotel conference r o o m for a quick Tonight Show rehearsal - just some pacing around on a hotel carpet. He discusses b o o k i n g a restaurant for tonight w i t h Ivan. To get a g o o d restaurant seat in Los Angeles it is necessary to use star power. ' I f y o u get the concierge to do it he'll do a number about the Pet S h o p Boys,' N e i l advises Ivan, 'rather than y o u having to do it shamelessly.' In my r o o m I see another feature about the tour on MTV News. K u r t Loeder says, 'This show may not be rock'n'roll, but it sure is something', but ends w i t h a snide c o m m e n t about disappointing ticket sales. W h e n Chris arrives at the rehearsal he is still smarting from it. 'It was a real downer,' he fumes. T h e y discuss clothes. T h e y decide to get the m e n to wear black tracksuits, and Sylvia and Pam black dresses. 'Should J.J. and Scott wear hats?' wonders N e i l . ' N o , ' says Chris, 'because I ' m g o i n g to wear a hat, so no one should wear hats.' Chris is tired and grumpy. He has just been trying to have a sleep and a waiter insisted on c o m i n g into his r o o m to deliver a complimentary basket of fruit. ' T h e y ignore the Do N o t Disturb signs!' he shouts. ' T h e y diink they k n o w y o u so well,' says Ivan playfully. 'It's not that,' explains N e i l . ' T h e y just think that fruit is so overwhelmingly important.' E M F are playing tonight a f e w minutes away d o w n Sunset Boulevard. N e i l decides h e ' d like to go. T h e W h i s k e y - a - G o - G o , the venue, is still w e a r i n g the retro coat of paint it received as a location for The Doors, but inside there is genuine excitement, and E M F are just as ramshackle and petulant as y o u ' d want the n e w rebel bad-boy p o p group to be. Afterwards we go backstage. Jack Satter, vice-president for promotion at E M I ' s N e w York offices, w h o has flown in to watch the show, looks embarrassed and guilty. He hasn't bothered to see the Pet

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t Shop Boys yet. Ian D e n c h , E M F ' s songwriter, talks to Neil. T h e others l o o k sweaty and exhausted, and don't say m u c h at all.

Village View, Los Angeles, 29 March, 'Gotta Dance! The Pet Shop Boys' Chris Lowe Defends Dance Music and Ridicules Rock Critics': The Pet Shop Boys aren't so much cynical as wary ... It may be stylized jadedness but it's infinitely preferable to the trendy chants and slip-on love that are currently in vogue ... Lowe, contrary to most of what is written about him, is not a quiet, retreating type at all. Funny, witty and a huge fan of dance music, he makes you rethink the equation that dumps such a large amount of credit for the Pet Shop Boys' success in Neil Tennant's lap. I Chris speaking/ 'One of the things I've never understood is that when I was at university and we all used to go out to nightclubs on Friday and Saturday nights, we used to have a really good time dancing to the dance music, but we'd go back to our rooms and listen to Genesis and Pink Floyd. I used to wonder, "Why do we do this? Why can't we admit to liking the music we genuinely like?" We'd dance to it at night, then kind of pooh-pooh it the next day. It seemed very odd. I think a lot of people like music for the wrong reasons -for intellectual reasons or because of peer pressure or because they've read in a magazine that this group is really good, rather than admitted that they like Saturday N i g h t Fever, which they genuinely did like and that most people did buy anyway. You should always be honest with yourself as to the kind of music you genuinely do like .. . [discussing the undercurrent of sadness in seventies dance music, a facet he feels has escaped most contemporary revivalists/ There was a real pathos in the music which was what I liked about it. I've always liked kind of up music with sad lyrics 'cause it just gives this tension and melancholy to the whole thing. I think the message of the Pet Shop Boys is that it's not going to be all right. You k n o w it's not going to be all right.'

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Monday, 25 March

Chris appears in the M o n d r i a n Hotel reception wearing a Michelin M a n Tshirt. 'That's m e , ' he says a little sarcastically. 'I'm the M i c h e l i n M a n . I b o u n c e back o f f the critics.' N e i l appears. ' S o did y o u go back to the Hyatt to w r e c k rooms w i t h E M F ? ' he asks Neil. 'No.' ' W h y not?' says Chris. 'That's the w h o l e point of g o i n g to see E M F . ' ' T h e y ' r e so cute,' says Neil. ' T h e y ' r e like cartoon characters, aren't they?' Chris agrees. He thinks a moment. N e i l sits d o w n . ' T h e last time we were here,' he recalls, ' t w o boys j u m p e d out of the top floor w i n d o w s and c o m m i t t e d suicide, flying past my w i n d o w in the process.' ' T h e r e was a massive area of splattered blood,' adds Chris. ' T h e y were still hosing it d o w n in the morning,' continues Neil. ' D i d y o u hear Living C o l o u r o n M T V ? ' Chris sneers. ' T h e y were talking about h o w the message is just as important as the music.' ' S o w h a t is the message?' says N e i l . ' T h e y didn't say, of course,' answers Chris. ' M y dad,' he begins, changing the subject, 'had twelve hours' sleep last night.' ' H e is o n e of the Lowes,' N e i l points out. ' T h e y ' r e g o i n g to Las Vegas tomorrow.' ' H o w will they get there?' 'They'll find it. I think parents are more capable than y o u think.' Chris begins to w o r r y about this afternoon's TV performance. ' W e ' v e g o t to tell Scott not to dance behind the keyboard.' ' O h , ' agrees N e i l , 'they're not allowed to look, under any circumstances, as if they're enjoying themselves.'

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' T h e y mustn't move,' C h r i s summarizes. ' W e ' v e g o t to make sure we l o o k like a duo,' says N e i l , 'albeit with a f e w people scattered around. B u t y o u already told t h e m that.' 'I'll be m o n i t o r i n g the monitors,' warns Chris. We arrive at The Tonight Show and inspect the set. ' T h e y ' v e s o m e h o w managed to make high-tech keyboards l o o k not h i g h tech,' complains Chris. 'It's because there's a carpet. Fancy having a carpet. I've never seen a carpet on a TV show. It looks like somebody's front room. It's so crap.' 'Well, let's face it, everybody,' says N e i l , 'it's not as g o o d as the Arsenio Hall show. No free teddy bears. Y o u get a teddy bear with an Arsenio Hall sweater on.' Yon, a man from Susan B l o n d ' s office, is here. 'Arsenio is quick exposure, the hit factor,' he explains. ' O n this it's like you've made it, that sort of exposure. It's more of a testament to someone's ' . . . longevity,' Chris chips in. He is teasing, but there is nothing in his voice to let Y o n k n o w this. 'Yeah, longevity. He's been on for thirty-five years.' ' D o we have any reviews yet?' asks N e i l ' Y o u had a g o o d one in M i a m i , ' Yon answers, 'but it was in Spanish.' Ivan says someone has to go back to the hotel to fetch Chris's passport. ' W h y not Neil's?' asks Chris. 'Because you're performing as a musician,' says Ivan. ' N e i l is performing as a singer, not as a musician.' ' D o we n e e d to look at Trevor and Mark's dance?' N e i l asks Chris. 'It's t o o late to change it,' says Chris. 'It'll be all right.' T h e y retire to their dressing-room, r o o m 2T05. N e i l browses through In the Arena, R i c h a r d N i x o n ' s latest memoir. Chris watches Pete play Tetrus on his G a m e Boy. 'I had to stop playing it,' he says. 'You dream about these shapes falling d o w n , turning t h e m round. Y o u get totally obsessed by it.' Maria - 'Hi! I ' m from The Tonight Show office!' - enters. She needs their passports, to sort out the pay-cheques. She has a f o r m that needs filling out. T h e y are being paid as a speciality act. 'Like a circus,' says Neil. She wants to k n o w w h o is designated as T h e Singer. 'I'm the singer,' says N e i l .

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'Yes, y o u are,' says Maria. 'Ivan can fill that out,' says N e i l . 'That makes me very happy,' Maria tells him. W h e n she goes they discuss A m e r i c a n bureaucracy. Lawyers. 'Have y o u seen that advert on TV w h e r e y o u can contact a lawyer if y o u ' v e got stress at w o r k , and they'll sue y o u r employer and get y o u time off?' huffs Chris. He thinks it's ridiculous. ' H o w many j o b s don't have stress?' N e i l nods. 'That's w h a t w o r k is: stress.' T h e y quiz Ivan about details of today's payment. It's not as though the m o n e y is huge, but they seem to monitor all business dealings w i t h the same principle: not ' h o w can we line o u r pockets?' but ' w e don't want to be ripped o f f ' . It turns out C h r i s will get something over $200, N e i l something over $400. 'Well,' sighs Chris, 'I can't go on.' E v e n the dancers, it turns out, get more than Chris. 'I'll dance,' he says. 'That'll throw a spanner in the works,' says Ivan. It's all eerily prophetic. ' G o d , ' exclaims Chris, 'it's so boring. It's just so boring, I can't believe h o w b o r i n g it is.' Waiting. Waiting. Chris yawns. ' I ' m still not a hundred per cent yet. It normally takes me about a w e e k to recover from a g o o d night out.' He asks Ivan about t o m o r r o w ' s flight to San Francisco. 'Delta,' says Ivan 'It's g o t the second-best safety record,' nods Chris, 'after Qantas.' He asks about f o o d . T h e r e is a canteen across the lot. ' W h o pays for it?' he asks. ' Y o u probably get a meal-ticket,' counsels N e i l . ' T h e singers probably get a meal-ticket,' scowls Chris. 'Us musicians have to pay.' Ivan returns. He has pointed out to Maria that b o t h N e i l and C h r i s were being interviewed, w h i c h has thrown her into a panic. Speciality acts don't do interviews. T h e y are n o w being paid S512 each. 'That's g o o d , ' says Chris, 'upping our wages. E v e n though it doesn't matter. It's the principle of the thing.' B a c k in the dressing-room the show's researcher, D e b b i e , comes to do the preinterview. T h i s is a c o m m o n chat-show routine. T h e researcher finds out a f e w

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g o o d stories for the on-screen interviewer to head towards. Tonight's host is not Johnny C a r s o n but his occasional stand-in, Jay Leno, w h o is being g r o o m e d to take over full-time in a few months. Is that overdone, D e b b i e asks, the journalist and the architect? 'Yes,' says Neil. She moves on. 'I k n o w this is overdone,' she says, 'but w h e r e did y o u meet?' '1 think people must know,' Chris mutters. 'I don't care if they don't.' N e i l tells her anyway. 'Have y o u done Marvel C o m i c s to death?' she asks Neil. He used to edit British editions of Marvel C o m i c s in the mid-seventies. ' N o , not t o o much. That's kind of virgin territory.' N e i l suggests that Jay L e n o should ask about their live show, and w h y they've never toured. ' W e ' v e been described as the most successful group that never tours.' ' O K , ' says Debbie. 'That's g o o d . H o w come?' 'That's w h a t we'll tell y o u , ' says Chris. ' W e think that normal rock concerts are a bit b o r i n g , ' says N e i l . 'I don't k n o w h o w many concerts he's been to,' says Debbie, meaning Jay Leno. ' D o y o u k n o w w h o h e is?' ' N o , ' says Chris. ' D o y o u k n o w w h a t he looks like?' she says. ' N o , ' says Chris. ' B e honest,' she says. 'Have y o u ever seen The Tonight Show?' 'Yes,' says Neil. ' F r o m beginning to end?' 'No.' T h e pre-interview continues. 'Jay will have a tendency . . . ' says D e b b i e , 'he will want to k n o w where you're from. He asks everyone that, no matter where they're from. I have it written d o w n . ' She consults her notes. ' W h e r e ' s Blackpool? I ' m sure Jay's house in Britain is near there. Is it beautiful?' ' N o , ' says Chris. 'So did y o u like it?' 'Yeah, but I don't just like things that are beautiful. I like things that are ugly.' Slowly, Chris loosens up a little. ' M y g r a n d m o t h e r s favourite show w h e n

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she lived here,' he tells D e b b i e , 'was The Tonight Show, and it's the one thing she missed w h e n she moved back . . . My mother is in the audience tonight.' ' O h , ' says D e b b i e , 'that's g o o d . ' ' M y m o t h e r was a dancer,' C h r i s tells her. ' T h e n she m e t y o u r dad,' integects N e i l , 'and he said, no dancing.' 'Sort o f , ' Chris says. ' N o w she's a housewife.' ' T h e y ' r e still together?' D e b b i e asks. ' O h yes,' says Chris. 'We're English. We don't get divorced.' Waiting for the rehearsal, I talk to Pennie Smith. She is fretting. T h e Pet Shop Boys keep flying b e t w e e n concerts. H o t e l - limousine - airport - plane airport — limousine — hotel. No photos. 'It's a pity they don't do drugs,' she sighs, 'because then they'd travel by bus everywhere.' A director fusses round in an avuncular yellow j u m p e r . 'I just want to make one tiling clear,' N e i l tells him, indicating towards Trevor and Mark. ' T h e y ' r e w e a r i n g black suits with wings on.' ' T h e i r o w n or props?' the director asks. Scott fiddles with the computers. T h e r e is a crisis, if something as insignificant as a click on the timbali sample could be called a crisis. ' D o y o u want smoke on both songs?' shouts the director. ' W e always want smoke,' N e i l responds. 'We're the Pet Shop Boys. That's what w e ' r e all about.' Jay L e n o bounds on to the set. 'Hi, guys! I ' m Jay. H o w are you? W h e r e are y o u b o t h from? G e t the bubble'n'squeak for these boys!' N o laughter. ' N o one k n o w s w h a t I mean,' he mutters, t h o u g h of course everyone knows precisely. Chris's keyboard is m o v e d more centrally. N e i l and Chris are w o r r i e d about emphasizing they are a duo. ' T h e y ' r e b o u n d to stitch us up anyway,' predicts Neil. 'If a TV director doesn't want to show something, he doesn't.' B a c k i n the dressing-room w e watch the N B C internal live T V feed outside the Oscars ceremony. It's funny, because y o u see all the cameramen touching up their hair, picking their noses and fighting to get interviews w i t h the same stars.

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'This is so m u c h better than the proper coverage,' says Chris. 'It's very A n d y Warhol,' agrees Neil. ' Y o u just have a camera and there's all these stupid people standing around talking drivel. T h i s is w h a t they live for, the Oscars. T h e y ' r e all in a tizz.' There's an Oscar party at our hotel tonight. 'I'm thinking of complaining about the noise at about one o ' c l o c k , ' N e i l says, 'and then demanding a refund on my room. 1 might call the police.' W i t h i n t w o minutes he has rather changed his tune. ' I ' m sorting out us producing Madonna's next album tonight. That's w h a t I ' m doing. Starting O c t o b e r 1st - write the songs in September, out in M a r c h . ' He fakes a resigned sigh. ' O h , she can pretend to write the blasted songs and have a third of the royalties.' His eyes return to the T V . ' W h y doesn't some serious m o v i e star like Liz Taylor arrive?' He considers this. 'Actually, serious film stars don't make films, do they? T h e y ' r e sort of beyond that.' ' I ' m not interested in the movie business,' Chris interrupts. 'There's m u c h better things than g o i n g to the pictures.' He went to see New Jack City, but that was 'because there's riots at the cinema'. D e b b i e returns. ' D o y o u want some oranges?' 'I hate oranges,' says N e i l . ' D o y o u want anything?' ' N o , ' says Neil, 'we're fine. W e ' r e unusually content.' She leaves. 'Actually, they're quite nice here,' says Neil. 'I hate to say it, but they're quite nice.' Ivan comes i n . ' O K . Here we go. It's contract time.' N e i l and Chris pore over the contracts. ' M y gross income?' splutters N e i l . 'It's none of their bloody business!' Chris looks back up at the Oscars screen. ' T h e funny thing about these things is y o u always have to queue up. T h e y ' r e doing it here. It's like that Michael Jackson thing we w e n t to.' 'It's always chaos,' says Ivan, 'because everyone's a celebrity.' 'It's not like y o u get there, get your Oscar and have a drink.' Talk drifts on to actors. ' W h o is it w h o listens to "West E n d Girls" to get into character?' N e i l asks us to remind him, but no one knows. ' W e don't like him,' N e i l prompts. Still can't remember. ' M i c k e y R o u r k e ! ' he eventually exclaims. ' H e did it for Angel Heart.'

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On screen Jon B o n j o v i wanders by. 'Is he appearing in it?' asks Chris. 'He's d o i n g "Blaze of bleedin' G l o r y " , ' harrumphs Neil. Dainton tells us about the time he met Jon B o n Jovi's mother. 'She k n o w s D e b b i e Gibson's mother,' he tells us. N e i l goes to the toilet. W h e n he comes back all the chairs are taken. ' O i l ' he addresses Ivan. ' C a n 1 sit down?' Ivan quickly rises. 'Shame on y o u , N e i l , ' mutters Pete. 'Pulling rank.' D e b b i e returns with a typed sheet of information and questions about the Pet Shop Boys. ' Y o u guys, this is w h a t I give Jay. Y o u ' r e g o i n g to have a tendency to laugh at it because it looks silly.' In a way it does. T h e r e are six questions and, after them, the gist of w h a t Jay can expect the Pet S h o p Boys to say:

YOU GUYS HAVE HAD

HUGH SUCCESS

15

B U T Y O U H A V E NEVF.R

MILLION

ALBUMS.

OVER

THE PAST

5

TOURED.

YEARS - SOLD OVER HOW

COME?

Quite honestly they think most rock concerts are boring and they didn't want to be. I U N D E R S T A N D Y O U R S H O W IS V E R Y T H E A T R I C A L . . . T E L L ME A B O U T IT . . .

They've worked with opera and theater people to put together a special show. They have 10 dancers — 8 classical and 2 street — in the show. They brought the 2 street dancers here — which you can joke with them about. YOU'VE

PLAYED

3

DATES

ALREADY

IN

THE

US

-

HAS

EVERYTHING

GONE

SMOOTHLY?

No. Their first date in Miami had to be cancelled because of bad sound system. They were depressed to be seen in public — but saw the humor in it the next day. Y O U G U Y S L I V E I N E N G L A N D . H A V E Y O U SEEN T H E T O N I G H T S H O W B E F O R E ? AN

ENTIRE

SHOW?

T h e y ' v e seen T h e Tonight Show, but will admit not a whole one. WHERE

ARE

YOU

FROM

ORIGINALLY?

Chris is from Blackpool, England, which he'll say is not a very pretty place. Neil is from Newcastle, a mining community. CHRIS, YOUR

SOMEONE TOLD MOM?

AND

YOUR

ME Y O U

C O M E L:ROM A F A M I L Y

OF SHOW

BUSINESS.

GRANDFATHER?

His mom, who is in the audience, used to be a dancer and his grandfather was one of the Nitwits — a comedy jazz band who appeared in Vegas for 6 years. WILT. Y O U DO A N O T H E R S O N G FOR US . . .

82

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Rplar.ci A - 5 D

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

T h e dressing-room screen switches to the downstairs studio. Filming has begun, with the famous Tonight Show host m o n o l o g u e : a chain of light, topical jokes. Jay L e n o says Sinead O ' C o n n o r has got a part in a film as Joan of Arc 'but they're w o r r i e d that they'll cheer w h e n she's burnt at the stake'. 'That's moderately amusing,' says Neil. T i m e to go. Jay L e n o introduces them: ' T h e y ' v e sold over fifteen million albums! A n d it's only M o n d a y . . . ' It is at first with astonishment, then w i t h horror, that from the side of the stage the rest of the entourage watch the filmed performance of ' W h e r e the Streets H a v e No N a m e ' on the backstage monitor. T h e opening shot is framed so that y o u see N e i l and, behind him, the three backing singers. T h e n . . . just the same. T h e shot doesn't change. A minute passes. T h e shot still doesn't change. To anyone watching all over A m e r i c a w h o doesn't k n o w m u c h about the Pet Shop Boys - most of them - the Pet S h o p B o y s are a singer and three backing vocalists. It gets worse. Trevor and M a r k do their dance and Trevor slips over. C h r i s has had e n o u g h . It later turns out he has b e e n watching the fiasco himself on a monitor he can see from the stage and k n o w s the camera has barely set its eyes on him. He strides across the set and into the wings, mid-song. T h e others, unsure w h a t to do, continue. 'I said this w o u l d happen,' he fumes, at the side of the stage. T h e song is still playing. 'Let's go,' says Pete. 'I might as well wait till the end,' says Chris. D e b b i e is sympathetic. '1 can't apologize to y o u enough. T h a t fuckin' director.' She tries to persuade him to stay for ' H o w C a n Y o u E x p e c t To Be Taken Seriously?' and suggests they'll reshoot the first. ' M y point is, it makes y o u not l o o k g o o d . ' 'I don't want to do another song,' Chris says. T h e n , in the entourage's general direction, 'I'll see y o u back at the hotel.' D e b b i e rushes off. 'Let me see if I can get it reshot.' H e l e n Kushnick, Jay Leno's manager, is filming. ' A c t i n g the way he did is not the w a y to behave. Walking off-stage in the middle of a number is totally unprofessional. Y o u just don't do it.' She suspects it was a planned stunt, done on purpose. Chris, Pete and Dainton sit in the dressing-room. ' T h e security man was impressed,' Chris sniggers. ' H e said, " C o o l , man, cool."'

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

' D o y o u want to go d o w n and do the second number?' D a i n t o n asks. ' I ' m not d o i n g the second number until we do the first number again.' From the exchanges I hear backstage Chris's h u n c h - that if he records the second number they w i l l still refuse to shoot the first - is quite correct. ' D o the second number!' he huffs. ' T h e y must think I ' m completely stupid.' Silence. D o w n on-stage the song has finished and N e i l has l o o k e d around for a cue. B o t h of t h e m were supposed to j o i n Shelley Winters and Jay L e n o for a chat. W h e n Jay beckons h i m over he doesn't k n o w w h a t e k e to do. He fields questions, and takes a glass of water from the table in front of him. It is Shelley Winters's. It is whisky. In the dressing-room I break my silence. I feel it is impossible to stay impassive. I don't think Chris has done the w r o n g thing, but the implications are m u s h r o o m i n g and to say nothing here and n o w in this atmosphere isn't to stay out of it, it's to offer more unequivocal support than my conscience can allow. 1 suggest to Chris that maybe N e i l is g o i n g to feel a bit stitched up. ' N e i l can get lost,' says Chris. 'Everyone can get lost.' Later Pete w i l l lecture me about this intervention, tell me my j o b is to watch, not intervene, tell me I was totally o u t of order. 'Actually, they're not g o i n g to re-record this,' Chris realizes. 'Let's just go.' 'Let's g o , ' echoes Pete. D e b b i e returns, tries to cajole Chris to stay. 'It doesn't even make any difference if I ' m there or not,' fumes Chris. She is sympathetic about the w h o l e matter. 'I agree with you one hundred per cent. I don't blame y o u for being upset.' 'I'm not upset,' Chris snaps. 'I just w o n ' t tolerate being treated like that.' ' Y o u were right,' she says. ' I ' m sorry. I ' m really sorry. W e ' r e g o i n g to get shit.' ' We're not,' says Chris. It is the commercial break - t h o u g h the show is b e i n g taped for transmission later this evening, it is, like most A m e r i c a n chat shows, recorded in real time, including commercial breaks — and N e i l appears. T h e m o o d is tense. T h e r e is little time to sort anything out. 'I can't do the second number w i t h o u t y o u , ' he tells Chris. ' Y o u can,' says Chris. 'I w o u l d n ' t be seen anyway.' 'That wasn't my fault,' N e i l says. 'I'm n o t saying it's your fault,' says Chris.

86

Pet Shop Boys versus America I Chris and Pete leave. N e i l returns to the stage. A f t e r die show, embarrassed, he apologizes to Leno. 'I'm sorry. W h a t can y o u do? He has an incredibly hot temper.' B a c k in the dressing-room N e i l looks upset. ' S o w h a t do we think about all this?' ' T h e problem is,' says Ivan, 'that that w o m a n w i t h a hat' - Jay Leno's manager — 'lost her temper. She thinks the w h o l e thing was set up, that we had given Chris a cue and he has walked o f f . . . ' ' T h e y were g o i n g to reshoot it anyway, is the j o k e , because the dancers fell over,' says N e i l . ' T h e y said, " N o one walks o f f The Tonight Show",' Ivan tells him, ' "and gets reshot. W e ' v e been g o i n g for t w e n t y - o n e years and that's never h a p p e n e d . " ' ' O f course Chris totally lost his temper too,' says N e i l . ' H e wasn't screaming,' Ivan points out. 'She was. She was saying, " W h o s e fuckin' record company is this? Someone's g o i n g to swing for it." ' D e b b i e returns. 'I just wanted to say h o w sorry I w a s . . . ' 'We want to clarify,' Ivan tells her, 'that this was not a set-up . . . ' 'I said to the director,' she says,' " D i d y o u k n o w that N e i l and C h r i s were the Pet S h o p B o y s ? " and he says he was just about to give a cue. Chris should have maybe said, " C o u l d we r e s h o o t ? " ' 'But Chris is so suspicious that he thinks -' says Ivan. ' T h e y w o u l d have reshot it,' she interrupts, 'if he had not walked off. B u t we have egos involved here.' 'I couldn't decide w h e t h e r to stop singing or not,' says Neil. ' Y o u did the right thing,' D e b b i e assures him, 'to be professional. B u t w e ' r e dealing w i t h egos and institutions and inflexibility and I don't blame him.' 'As it happens,' says N e i l , 'I do, because I blame h i m for dropping me in it...' ' H e was right to be upset,' D e b b i e summarizes, 'but he didn't handle it well and we didn't handle him not handling it well . . . O b v i o u s l y you're artists and he's temperamental and he lost his cool. I don't k n o w him, but I saw his chin s h a k i n g . . . ' Jay L e n o ' s manager walks in. She spots me taking notes. ' D o n ' t use my name or I'll sue y o u N e i l sighs. ' T h e really really really really really really really annoying thing is that C h r i s

«7

l'et Shop Boys versus America

said, " T h e y ' r e g o i n g to shoot us like it's a band and not as if it's a d u o " , and we said, "Let's p h o n e t h e m u p . " ' 'There's no doubt about it,' agrees Debbie, 'that they fucked up. Jay agreed, but Helen does have an e g o . . . ' 'Yes, and Chris having walked off, she thought C h r i s was blackmailing them. 1 appreciate she thinks, it's The Tonight Show, tliis is an A m e r i c a n institution, w h o is this twerp? B u t on the other hand it's just a TV show. It's not the presidency.' 'His mother,' says D e b b i e , 'was appalled. She said she couldn't believe it from a show-business family.' 'If they hadn't been there he w o u l d have g o n e during the first verse,' says N e i l . 'I w i s h I ' d stopped singing, because as it is I muffed up the singing because I was thinking about it.' "We must learn something from this,' D e b b i e announces. ' W h a t can we learn?' ' T h e show must go on,' proclaims Ivan. 'That we should listen to people,' says N e i l . 'Sometimes you have an instinct about it. I didn't, but Chris was w o r r i e d about it from the start, because it's the first time w e ' v e appeared live w i t h a band.' He sighs o n c e more. 'Tell Chris I ' m sorry,' says D e b b i e . 'He's g o i n g to be in a complete state,' says N e i l . 'Call me t o m o r r o w if y o u like,' suggests D e b b i e , 'and we can have a therapy session.' S o m e fans run up to N e i l as we leave. ' W e think it's kinda fun,' they say. 'For us P S B fans we kind of get a kick out of it, because it's a thrill just to get y o u on our TV sets.' At the time, the way they say it, this is quite genuinely moving. 'It's nice of y o u to say that,' says Neil. 'It was kind of a great m o m e n t in rock at the end of the day. In twenty years' time w h e n they make the film they'll be re-creating it.' We drive back to the Mondrian. ' W e haven't heard the last of that,' says N e i l in the car. 'Arma's g o i n g to be screaming at me,' predicts Ivan. 'I don't care about The Tonight Show or being on a blacklist,' says N e i l . 'I just care about b e i n g seen on TV by twenty-three million people sounding bad.'

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I 'I suppose we should have k n o w n he was in a m o o d , ' says Ivan, 'because Pete said this m o r n i n g Chris w o u l d n ' t do it.' N e i l is surprised. ' H e didn't discuss it with me. I was waiting in my r o o m for T h e Trauma.' ' H e was having second thoughts about doing it with the band,' says Ivan. N e i l sighs. 'It's Chapter 5. It's World War II. It's only been a w e e k : w e ' v e cancelled a show and walked out on '1Ъе Tonight Show. It's like the Sex Pistols' final tour.' Back in the hotel everything feels v e r y w r o n g , very bad. N e i l asks me up to his room for a drink. He n o w feels v e r y let d o w n by the affair. 'Chris is so selfish,' he says. 'I sometimes w o n d e r w h e t h e r it's w o r t h it.' It is the fourth time C h r i s has done something of this sort: he walked o f f the ' R e n t ' video in 1987, o f f the stage at the T o k y o B u d o k a n in 1989 and at the end of Wogan in 1990. N e i l gets maudlin, starts talking as though this is the end of the Pet Shop Boys. I am shocked. I've never seen him like this. For the second time today I decide that there is no neutral position: to say nothing is to encourage events in the direction they are heading. I tell him Chris hadn't meant to slight him, and nor had he flown o f f the handle; I tell him he had been forced into an impossible situation by the backstage ultimata. Ironically, it is by finding s o m e c o m m o n ground of defiance that N e i l begins to c o m e round. Ivan phones to see h o w N e i l is, and to get guidance as to h o w to deal w i t h any repercussions. 'I don't want anyone offering snivelling apologies. I want to be totally up about it. I want A r m a and Susan B l o n d - as our employees — to be totally up about i t . . . ' These are feelings he doesn't m i n d so much. This is a fight they k n o w and like: Pet Shop B o y s against the useless, snivelling, half-hearted, face-saving, insincere, unprincipled world. A n d so, by the time he has finished talking to Ivan, he decides to call Chris. ' H e ' d just never call me,' he sighs. He knows there is no chance of even a fraction of an apology for w h a t happened to him, the embarrassment he suffered in the slipstream of events. Chris's logic is rigorous. If he is w r o n g e d he will react in the most simple, straightforward way to address that. T h o s e around him should realize that. If there are consequences to his actions they should blame those w h o w r o n g e d him, not him. Chris bounces cheerfully into Neil's room. It's decided. They'll laugh about it, complain about the world together. Chris has just been with his parents. T h e y haven't mentioned a thing.

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

'Your m o t h e r isn't talking about it?' chuckles N e i l . 'That's so funny.' T h e last time she didn't talk about something like this was w h e n the Pet Shop Boys were on Saturday Night at the London Palladium performing ' R e n t ' and they b o t h refused to parade on at the end, as is tradition, and wave alongside Jimmy Tarbuck. She simply never mentioned it to Chris. If y o u don't talk about it, it doesn't exist. T h e t w o of t h e m discuss w h a t they'd do if it happened again. N e i l says Chris should have walked forwards, towards the cameras, so that they had to stop shooting. 'I'm not g o i n g to do that in front of all that audience,' says Chris. A n d they talk about their plans for the evening. N e i l is g o i n g to the Mondrian Oscars party: Chris is also invited but doesn't fancy it. T h e y both j o k e again about p h o n i n g up, complaining about the noise. ' D o n ' t get exceedingly drunk,' C h r i s counsels N e i l . 'Chris, I ' m likely, in the aftermath of this, to do something terrible. It'll be N a u g h t y N e i l . Y o u know, every t w o or three years I start a fight . . . ' ' N a u g h t y N e i l ' is w h a t he was once called in the Sun, after an incident at the B B C bar in W h i t e City. 'That's w h a t America needs,' Chris laughs. ' N a u g h t y N e i l . ' N e i l , Dainton and I go to some Oscar parties. O u r first stop is the M o n d r i a n ' s o w n party, but, although Anjelica Huston is wandering around, it doesn't seem very star-studded. We m e e t this couple w h o suggest we try the R o x b u r y and handle everything at the door. We assume they are w e l l connected. It is only later we discover that they aren't connected at all and that they get us all in everywhere on the strength of the name the Pet Shop Boys. At the R o x b u r y we are seated by a w i n d o w in the V I P section. G r e g o r y Peck is w a n d e r i n g about. O n e of the G o l d e n Girls is in the next booth. A man scoots up to us and introduces himself. ' M y name is W i n s t o n Young,' he says. ' Y o u n g M C . ' He raves about 'West E n d Girls' and 'Opportunities', and h o w they influenced him. On the stairs we walk past Joni Mitchell, l o o k i n g a little drunk, and, quick as a flash, D a i n t o n introduces N e i l to her. N e i l tells her h o w m u c h he likes her music, and she seems a little stuck for a reply. 'I like y o u r videos,' she says. ' W e do make music too,' he points out. 'I lead such a sheltered life,' she says, and they part.

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l'et Shop Boys versus America I 'She'd had a few,' mutters N e i l . In the hallway Dainton - w h o , it turns out, has a skill both for recognizing people and introducing them - makes introductions to an actress from / Dream of Jeantiie, M i c k e y D o l e n z of the M o n k e e s and, most impressively, Steven Spielberg. 'I've been to the Oscars ceremony,' Steven Spielberg tells Neil. 'Well, of course y o u have,' says Neil. N e i l chats some more w i t h M i c k e y D o l e n z , then we wander out. ' M i c k e y D o l e n z , ' he says, 'thought Newcastle was in the Midlands.' He sighs. 'I'm sorry, Steven Spielberg k n e w w h o I was

91

Tuesday, 26 March

We congregate in reception as gospel soul group the Winans walk past. T h e m o o d is sombre. T h e band members don't quite comprehend w h a t has happened or w h a t its implications might be. T h e y ask D a i n t o n for reassurance that everything is all right, but Dainton simply points out that if N e i l and Chris aren't enjoying w h a t they are doing they'll simply end the tour right now. N e i l appears, full of the joys of the Oscar parties. 'I met Steven Spielberg last night,' he tells anyone w h o ' l l listen. 'Dainton said, "I want y o u to m e e t N e i l Tennant of the Pet Shop B o y s . " It was the "1 w a n t " I liked. It was like Dainton was a famous film producer.' He similarly reflects on the encounter with Joni Mitchell: 'I said, "I do make music t o o . " She was a bit pissed, but she looks quite wild, Joni Mitchell. She looks quite untamed by life.' He speculates w h a t might have happened had we b u m p e d into Madonna: 'Dainton would have said, " M a d o n n a , the boys want to w o r k with you. Y o u k n o w y o u want to w o r k w i t h the boys. W h e n are we g o i n g to sit d o w n and do it?" ' ' H o w ' s Chris?' Sylvia asks him. ' H e ' s all right,' says N e i l . C h r i s is staying in Los Angeles another day to spend time with his parents. On the aeroplane N e i l reads the text of an unofficial Pet Shop B o y s b o o k to be called Introspective, galleys of w h i c h the publishers have sent N e i l and Chris to read, presumably to forestall problems later on. A r m a is back and takes N e i l out to dinner, D a i n t o n and I in tow. Dainton tells A r m a about last night: 'It was one of those evenings w h e n we w e n t out, we gave them " w h a t for?" in Oscarland.' N e i l says he was nearly at the end of his tether after The 'Tonight Show. ' B u t just at the m o m e n t w h e n I've totally had e n o u g h and I ' m g o i n g to leave the group . . . ' He sighs, never finishing. ' H e never quite goes that far.' 'It's not that hard, as far as I can see, to be Chris,' says A r m a , w h o is still struggling to relate to the situation. ' Y o u travel first class, y o u make a shit load of money, y o u do something that has an effect on millions of people and y o u

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can basically be yourself. Y o u can't do diat in many walks of life . . . ' H e sighs. 'This is a real experience w i t h y o u guys.' T h e y talk about the problems with E M I , and A m e r i c a . 'A lot of Americans haven't ever b o u g h t a Pet Shop Boys record,' says A r m a , 'and one day they'll make the plunge and I think it has to be the greatest hits record 'If one had to talk about the advantages o f b e i n g on E M I , ' says N e i l , 'apart from the huge advances they give us . . . we w o u l d n ' t be able to talk for l o n g on the subject.' A r m a plans a big s h o w d o w n with E M I . 'I may lose my temper tomorrow,' he says. 'You don't mind, do you?'

San Francisco Chronicle, 26 March, 'Pet Shop Boys Unleash New Catty Single': 'The undertaking is pure Pet Shop Boys. 'We were told, "When you tour America, you simply have to have a live drummer," ' Tennant said, his snappy patter suddenly condescending. 'Therefore, there will be no musicians onstage during our show— itfeatures 10 dancers instead.' The lesson should have been obvious by now. You just can't tell a disco artist what to do.

93

Wednesday, 27 March

On the stage of the Warfield Theater, one of the San Francisco venues o w n e d by promoter Bill Graham, N e i l and David A l d e n stare at the Pet Shop Boys' stage set. It is a tiny stage. ' W h a t am I supposed to be deciding?' asked Neil. ' N o t h i n g really, n o w y o u ' v e seen it,' says David Alden. 'So I don't need to stay d o w n here? I might go and b u y a pullover.' A r m a greets Chris. 'I hear y o u raised a little hell in L A , ' A r m a congratulates Chris. 'I'm proud of y o u . ' A r m a saw Chris walk o u t on TV and thought it must have been part o f the act. ' H o w are Wilson Phillips?' C h r i s asks A r m a . ' T h e y ' r e fine. T h e y ' r e c o m i n g to the show, Friday.' 'I h o p e they b o u g h t tickets,' mutters Chris. C h r i s asks Richard, the tour accountant, about the projected tour deficit and he suggests '750'. '750 w o u l d be bad,' sighs Chris. 'Three-quarters of a million.' Ivan overhears this talk. 'There's no way it's g o i n g to be 750, no way. T h e things g o i n g over can be recharged.' Chris asks about someone w h o he thinks is not d o i n g his j o b well. 'He's getting a right bollocking.' 'He's w o r k i n g for peanuts anyway,' says Ivan, trying to pacify Chris. ' G o o d , ' snaps Chris. Ivan says that tonight they will click the door, a procedure w h e r e b y y o u physically count everybody w h o enters the theatre to check w h e t h e r the numbers declared by the promoter are legitimate. I go and talk to the fans q u e u i n g outside the front of the theatre. T h e six at the front of the queue have camped overnight to be first in line. ' W e ' v e been waiting for years for them to c o m e , ' one explains. T h e queue bunches around

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and tells me their other favourite bands: D e p e c h e M o d e , the Sugarcubes, Erasure, Morrissey. T h e y talk about the Pet S h o p Boys. ' T h e y ' r e intelligent pop. T h e y ' r e geniuses.' 'I think they're the best techno p o p band there is.' ' T h e y have a pure sense of style. T h e y k n o w art.' O n e girl is D u t c h : 'I like their - w h a t do y o u call it? - sarcasm? T h e i r comic approach to serious things.' 'We like both of them because they're different.' 'Naive.' ' T h e y don't slime like rockers.' 'I've heard the show is very bizarre.' ' K i n d of like Pink Floyd.' ' M y friends laugh at me for listening to them.' 'A lot of people think they're a silly teenage band like N e w Kids on the Block.' 'You have to explain that " S h o p p i n g " isn't about going to the mall and picking up a n e w pair of shoes.' ' T h e y think they don't do their o w n w o r k . ' ' T h e y think N e i l Tennant sings in a m o n o t o n e . ' ' M y parents got so sick of hearing their tape. My dad kind of likes them, but he doesn't admit it. just recendy he said, "I like that, but don't tell anyone." ' N e i l and Chris are fretting about h o w small the theatre is. 'I want to play sheds,' says Chris. Boston is apparendy even smaller and Chris suggests cancelling the show there. 'It's the kind of temperamental tiling we do,' sighs Neil. 'We're t e m peramental artists: oh, let's cancel Boston, Detroit, C h i c a g o and Minneapolis!' He pauses. ' O f course San Francisco was die site of the last Sex Pistols concert I hope that's not significant.' Chris asks one of the dancers about an amorous episode in Houston. 'I w e n t out to dinner w i t h her,' says the dancer, 'then she w e n t to bed. She had to w o r k . ' 'That's typical,' says Chris. 'I h o p e y o u ' v e learned y o u r lesson.' A r m a sweeps by. 'So are y o u enjoying yourself still?' he asks Chris. 'Yup,' says Chris. ' I ' m happy about that,' says Arma.

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Chris surveys a hand-out that advertises the Pet S h o p Boys alongside 'an evening w i t h Yes' and I N X S . 'That's o n e thing 1 hate about touring, that it puts y o u on the same page as everyone else.' He looks some more. ' W h o ' s Bootsy Collins?' S o m e o n e mutters, 'Funkadelic . . . legend of dance music Chris shrugs. 'I don't k n o w anything about dance music.' A r m a discusses the possibility of a party in Los Angeles. It's a tricky city in w h i c h to throw a party because everybody drives. 'I'd rather not have a party than have a bad one,' says Chris. 'I w o u l d n ' t mind g o i n g to a d o w n t o w n warehouse, but I w o u l d n ' t want everybody to c o m e . ' 'There's a reception r o o m at the venue that's quite nice,' says Arma. 'I think E M I

want to present y o u with a gigantic cake of die U n i t e d

States.' T h e y don't like the sound of this, and voice a stream of objections. 'Also,' says Chris, 'neither N e i l n o r I likes cake, actually. That's another minor problem.' ' O f course,' N e i l ruminates, 'they can't give us a gold disc, diat's the problem. M a y b e they should give us a bronze disc.' 'Are E M I happy?' Pete asks A r m a . ' T h e y always had die excuse that the Pet Shop Boys didn't have success because they didn't tour.' 'Well, it's a pretty g o o d excuse,' says A r m a . ' D o y o u ever watch C l u b M T V ? ' he asks N e i l and Chris, in diat tone w h i c h means he's tentatively leading up to something. 'Yeah,' says Chris. ' W e ' v e done it.' ' W o u l d y o u do it again?' asks A r m a . ' N o t now,' says Chris. ' N o t n o w diat w e ' r e a serious live band.' Pete hits Chris. A r m a says t h a t ' . . . Streets . . . ' is doing well in the clubs, then tells N e i l that the T-shirt of his face is fifty-three per cent of all sales. T h e one of Chris, of the back of his head, is lagging behind. ' T h e crew all wear yours,' N e i l points out quite accurately to Chris. 'That's only because I go around telling them o f f if they're wearing yours,' says Chris. Ivan comes in. ' W e should l o o k at g o i n g on at eight o ' c l o c k . ' 'We're g o i n g on at 8.30,' says N e i l , w h o is finishing up a plate of spaghetti. ' I ' m just eating my dinner. I'll be burping.' Ivan persists. ' N o ! ' says Neil. 'I want a little rest.' Ivan gives up and leaves.

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'Ivan didn't get his o w n way,' comments Chris, surprised. 'We're rock stars. We can go on at ten if we like. That's w h a t it's all about.' ' W e should be overdosing in a telephone box in Florida, that's w h a t we should be doing,' says N e i l , 'and we should arrive about three hours late w h e n Bill Graham's giving a speech to the audience.' Dainton fetches Sylvia's humidifier to help Neil's congestion and he sits there, his head in a steam of fumes under a drape. ' O h , Neil,' scolds Chris. 'You're not freebasing? It's like Blue Velvet...' David A l d e n has been wandering around. T h e r e is m u c h grief about the compromises made to fit the show into this venue. T h e backdrop looks terrible. ' T w o duvet covers with creases,' as N e i l puts it. D a v i d A l d e n ends with the g o o d news. 'There's an incredibly long line for T-shirts,' he says. 'That's w h a t we like to hear,' says Neil. ' M a y b e we should just tour the merchandise — we could stand behind the stall and sell it.' ' T h e old country stars like Johnny Cash w o u l d c o m e out in the intervals,' A r m a tells d i e m , 'and sell autographs at the stall for ten dollars a shot.' 'This tour should have been sponsored by N i k e , ' mutters Chris. ' M a y b e we could introduce a n e w concept: retrospective sponsoring.' 'We'll l o o k into diat,' laughs A r m a . 'You k n o w me - I like c o m m e r c e . ' T h e r e is anodier row about the sloppiness and compromised nature of the show. 'We're g o i n g to have to keep fighting for diings,' says David Alden. 'It's getting a bit tedious,' says Chris. 'Even if we tell people it's a very complicated show, it's not that c o m plicated,' N e i l fumes. 'David Lee R o t h flies across the audience. T h i s is a wall with a triangle behind it.' A r m a rushes in, beaming. 'We're m o v i n g those T-shirts! T h e y ' r e selling like hot cakes!' 'You mean Neil's are selling like h o t cakes,' mopes Chris. 'Chris, you're selling the odd one,' cajoles N e i l . ' T h e sick people buy y o u . ' 'There are people outside trying to get in,' says A r m a . This perks up Chris. 'It's a " h o t ticket"! W e ' v e finally got one!' Just before they finally go on C h r i s lets out a cry of anguish. 'I've forgotten t o put m y underpants on. M y strip . . . ' Tonight, during his strip, he changes the words. N o t 'these arc the secrets of sexual attraction' but 'these are the secrets of sexual perversion'. •

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T h e show is a messy success. 'Because it's a shambles,' sighs N e i l in the interval, 'it's got more of a light-hearted feel.' T h e y talk about Chris's strip. ' T h e y ' r e disappointed it doesn't go further,' he says. ' O n e night y o u should go further,' suggests Neil. 'That's h o w y o u make rock'n'roll history. That's w h a t Jim M o r r i s o n did. N o t that you see it in the film.' 'That's typical of H o l l y w o o d , ' grunts Chris. ' T h e y do one interesting thing and it's not in the film.' T h e y discuss plans to extend the tour to Brazil. 'We ain't flying in a Brazilian plane, I'll tell y o u that,' announces Neil. 'We can't devote the rest of o u r lives to touring,' complains Chris. ' W h y not?' wonders David Alden. 'Because we're in it to w r i t e songs,' says Chris. 'We're in it for the j o y of music, not for the money.' D u r i n g tonight's encore, just after N e i l tells the c r o w d he loves them, a man in an E M F T-shirt j u m p s on-stage and hugs Chris, lying on top of h i m on his bed. ' W h e r e was my security?' asks Chris afterwards, though he is quite clearly thrilled. 'I heard the stage rumbling and then I felt an arm around me and a voice said, "I love y o u . " I'm a professional. I didn't even flinch.' A r m a catches up with us. ' W h a t did y o u do w h e n that guy j u m p e d on the bed?' ' N o t h i n g , ' says Chris. ' W h a t I usually do.' 'Let's face it, he wasn't very attractive,' says Neil. He sighs. 'Usually during "Jealousy" I feel like bursting into tears, but it was pantomime tonight. It's basically The Rocky Horror Picture Show, let's face it.' 'There's a couple of fans outside,' says Pete. ' O n e in a wheelchair.' ' W h a t did he think about the wheelchair bit?' worries Chris. ' H e said to me, " E v e r y t h i n g they do is brilliant," ' reassures Pete. Ivan enters. 'Is there a meet'n'greet?' Chris asks him. ' N o , ' says Ivan. ' N o meet'n'greet! W h a t are we meant to do for the next twenty minutes?' S o m e o n e tells Chris they must do a T-shirt w i t h his face on. ' N o , ' he says, 'I'm not for turning.' *

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

San Francisco Examiner, 29 March, 'Sensational Pet project': When the new world order is firmly established and Madonna becomes president, Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe - the Pet Shop Boys - will be England's Prime Ministers. Their Wednesday show . .. was the best, boldest pop spectacle to sweep through the Bay Area since Madonna's Blond Ambition tour last summer. And like Madonna's staged extravaganza, this was more performance art than rock concert. This was the future of pop. It was opera. It was fabulous ... Л man was brought out wrapped up in red cloth while another sat on a bench like a street person. I think this was supposed to represent Tennant and Lowe . .. The Pets and the Material Girl draw on similar sources - cabaret, disco escapism, postmodern deconstruction, religion, sex, camp and the love of a good, gaudy showstopper followed by another and another. If Madonna fulfilled the dream of her 'Justify My Love' video and became a male couple, she'd be the Pet Shop Boys.

San Jose M e r c u r y N e w s , 29 March, 'Pet Shop Boys a grandiose treat': Finally they're hitting stages with a show that's a cross between a David Lean movie and a custard pie in the face . . . And like a pie in the face, if it had its embarrassing moments, it was also fun to lick o f f . . . the only constants being Tennant and Lowe, who inhabited the songs as much as performed them .. . 'It's a Sin' unfolded with the Undynamic Duo dressed up as schoolboys tucked away in a dorm with their classmates, all of whom were dropping their knickers for wicked masters and cavorting about on beds and such . . . Was all this a crutch for songs that couldn't stand on their own? Yes and no...

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'You can't photograph me today,' announces Chris, breezing into the lobby with Pete. T h e y have been d o w n to Fisherman's Wharf; Pete wanted to see the seals. 'I've just squeezed a massive zit,' Chris explains. Instead he talks to Pennie about her old subjects, the Clash. He asks w h e r e Joe Strummer is now. M a k i n g records in his basement. Chris shrugs. 'It's w h a t we're all doing. W e ' v e all realized y o u can make records in your basement for no m o n e y and they sound just as g o o d . ' N e i l appears, dressed in R o m e o Gigli ( ' O o o h , ' coos Chris, 'I should have w o r n mine'), and they examine today's San Francisco Examiner, w h i c h shows a still from die 'So Hard' video, the t w o of them side by side on a Newcastle bus shelter bench. ' I ' m always disappointed that there's nothing obscene,' says Neil, meaning in the graffiti behind them in the photo. 'There's something sexy about promenade benches,' says Chris. N e i l suddenly recognizes the name of the Examiner writer. 'It's the person w h o gave It Couldn't Happen Here a g o o d review!' ' W e shouldn't meet him,' counsels Chris. 'It's always bad to meet people w h o like y o u , because they're always mega-disappointed.' It is n o w that N e i l chooses to impart a health bulletin. 'I'm seriously ill, everyone.' Pause. 'But, of course, the show must go o n . ' ' L u c k y the show's all on tape,' says Chris. We are due at a local radio station, Live 105, but the E M I representative is late to pick us up. ' W h y did we re-sign to E M I ? ' grunts Chris. 'Because they gave us a lot of money,' says Neil. ' M o n e y isn't everydiing,' says Chris. ' N o , ' says Neil, pointedly referring the notion back to Chris, 'it isn't.' Still n o E M I man. 'Let's get a cab!' suggests Chris. 'That'll embarrass him.' This idea fills him with enthusiasm. 'Let's go now. Before he has a chance to c o m e . '

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In the cab they discuss media requests: a Good Morning America interview (no - t o o early in the morning); a L y n n Goldsmith p h o t o session (maybe); an Entertainment Tonight TV interview (yes, if under their terms). N e i l tells C h r i s the n e w British ' . . . Streets . . . ' chart news. Last Sunday it was number four. This w e e k it is predicted to be number six. ' A t least it went lip last w e e k , ' mutters Chris. 'I've realized,' N e i l sighs, 'I don't think w e ' l l ever have a huge hit again.' We pull up outside an anonymous block-shaped building. ' W e ' v e been here before,' says Neil. Inside, the DJ starts raving about their tour as soon as he spots N e i l and Chris; his partner, w h o actually saw the show, even more so. 'I thought I was at a Broadway show,' the partner gushes. ' G o o d , ' says Chris. 'That's w h a t we wanted.' T h e y are asked about their U2 cover version. In San Francisco, the DJ tells them, this is An Issue. ' W h y did y o u do it?' he asks. 'I don't k n o w w h y we did it,' answers Chris. 'It was your idea,' N e i l points out. 'I don't remember,' says Chris. Pause. 'It was a h o m a g e to U 2 . ' T h e DJ pauses, both to digest tills and to see w h e t h e r Chris's deadpan expression cracks. It doesn't. ' S o w h y " C a n ' t Take M y Eyes O f f Y o u " ? ' the D J continues uncertainly. 'It just seemed the obvious thing to do,' says Chris. T h e y are asked to choose one of their o w n songs - N e i l suggests the single version of 'Left to My O w n Devices' - and while it is playing the DJ tells t h e m that he and his partner will be D J - i n g at their aftershow appearance that night at the Palladium. It is a tricky m o m e n t . ' W e d o n ' t k n o w about it,' says Chris. This is true. 'This is a planned promotion,' says the D J , desperation already flooding his voice, his h o p e seeming to be that this phrase 'planned promotion' will ring some bells. T h e man from E M I , w h o has belatedly arrived, makes a cackhanded attempt to paper over the cracks by saying, 'We're g o i n g to a lot of clubs.' N e i l stares right at him, daggers. ' W e ' v e a bus-ride right after the show.' T h e r e follows an argument b e t w e e n the man from E M I (cocksure but out of his depth) and the DJ (all heartfelt injustice).

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' W e ' v e been promoting it.' 'It wasn't set for sure.' 'It was set for sure sure.' 'This,' interjects N e i l , 'is literally the first we have heard of it.' T h e E M I man leaves the room. Chris gestures at the air he occupied. 'This guy is . . . ' and he makes a face to convey his contempt. T h e n the on-air interview begins. T h e DJ asks if they feel 'shackled' by their A m e r i c a n record label. 'I sometimes think there's not enough shackling,' says N e i l . 'There's no shackling at all. It works like a large independent. Y o u just give them the record and they put it out. On E M I y o u stand or fall by w h a t y o u do; they put it in the shops.' T h e DJ asks N e i l about Electronic, closing w i t h an inquiry as to their album tide. 'Electronic,' says Neil. ' W o w ! ' exclaims die DJ. 'It's Meet the BeatlesГ W h i l e the next record plays - they request the K L F ' s ' W h a t T i m e is Love?' - they tell the DJ they will turn up at the club tonight anyway, at about 11.00 p.m., on the way to Los Angeles. T h e y sign some posters as competition prizes, N e i l inscribing each of t h e m w i t h today's date. 'This is the n e w pretentious thing we do,' he explains. In the car they fret about die chore they've taken on. ' A f t e r about an hour,' Chris sighs theatrically, 'and after rather a lot to drink, w e ' l l leave. Because actually' - a grin slips through - 4ve love doing it. People c o m i n g up to us, telling us w e ' r e " a w e s o m e " . . . ' Back at die hotel C h r i s phones his r o o m and D a i n t o n answers. ' C a n y o u be a bit more polite,' scolds Chris, ' w h e n answering my phone?' 5.30 p.m. A r m a is giving the tour accountant, R i c h a r d , a pep talk. His current subject: A m e r i c a n concert promoters. 'We're giving these guys a taste. We're giving t h e m a nice inexpensive introduction to the Pet Shop Boys. T h e n we clobber t h e m in the fall.' His voice crescendos. 'Suck ' e m in, b l o w ' e m out - diat's w h a t 1 say.' Neil is still ailing. 'I feel sliit,' he moans. 'I've got flu.' 'Well,' says Chris, '1 don't k n o w if you can go on the bus with me - all those germs in that confined space. D i d n ' t y o u buy a mesh in Japan?' N e i l just looks at him. ' C h e e r up, N e i l , ' adds Chris.

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' Y o u can b l o o d y talk,' grumps Neil. 'That's w h y we have a miserable image, because you're so miserable.' 'Yes,' agrees Chris, 'but it's not an image -' Ivan interrupts to say that the N e w Y o r k hotel is b o o k e d . It's Chris's choice, the Philippe Starck-designed R o y a l t o n . T h e y ' v e given a g o o d rate but have refused to allow the tour bus to pull up outside. ' T h e y just don't like the idea,' says Ivan. A n n a relates his g r o w i n g frustrations w i t h E M I . 'I got crazy with t h e m today,' he says. ' T h e y ' r e never g o i n g to have a better chance than this,' sighs Chris. 'I'm g o i n g to go so wild,' A r m a sighs. 'If they want an arsehole manager screaming at t h e m they're g o i n g to get one.' T h e y discuss the N e w York party w h i c h is being planned by night-life socialite K i k i Mason. As he is w i t h all party arrangements, Chris is worried. ' W e ' v e got to get in touch w i t h K i k i . ' He makes a face. ' H e wants b o y g o - g o dancers . . . ' ' . . . w i t h w i n g s on,' sighs Neil. ' W h o ' s that?' asks Arma. 'This K i k i bloke,' says Chris. ' K i k i , ' asks Arma, 'or kinky?' ' B o t h , ' says N e i l . 'It sounds as though I might not like this party,' C h r i s pronounces. ' K i k i said, " O b v i o u s l y it'll have a heavy gay ambience . . . " ' T h i s isn't w h a t they want. 'I did tell h i m " m o r e hispanic than g a y " , ' says Neil. 'I want it dangerous,' says Chris. '1 want gangs there.' 'All N e w York parties are the same,' sighs N e i l w i t h resignation. 'I w o n d e r if there'll be a metal detector w h e n y o u walk in,' says Chris. '1 like that.' A r m a wants to think about t o m o r r o w night after the first Los Angeles show. 'Afterwards, even if we haven't got anything planned, we should do something spontaneously.' Chris glances at him, and answers, all the sarcasm buried, 'Let's plan to do something spontaneous.' In the dressing-room N e i l flicks through a copy of Camera International. 'It's a w e l l - k n o w n fact,' he declares, 'that all photography magazines have a

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male nude in. W h e r e is it?' Flicks. 'First male nude,' he announces t r i u m p h andy. Flicks on. 'Second male nude . . . third male nude . . . fourth male nude R o b b i e comes to brief them about the technical shortcomings of tonight's show and they - R o b b i e , N e i l , C h r i s and David A l d e n - have a long, sometimes heated discussion about the continued shoddiness of the backdrop and the lack of snow. Finally C h r i s exclaims, sulkily and with gloriously impractical hindsight, ' W h a t we should be using is yachting technology. Yachts are just tension. I bet it's dead simple.' W h e n R o b b i e leaves the room D a v i d A l d e n pulls a copy of Rolling Stone over his face and pretends to cry. N e x t they tease Dainton over the w o r t h of c o c k n e y rhyming slang. 'I've never understood the point of it,' huffs Neil. D a i n t o n enthusiastically demonstrates. 'I'll say, " H e ' s talking p o n y " , and that's " r u b b i s h " . ' Pony trap. Crap. 'I'd rather people said " r u b b i s h " , ' mutters Chris. ' T h e only cockney rhyming slang I've ever liked is Lionels — " L i o n e l Blairs" for "flares",' says N e i l . 'It's almost w o r t h it for that.' It is almost showtime. 'I'm sure I might manage to stagger through,' hams Neil, 'even though I ' m desperately ill.' 'I think we should call our greatest hits Awesome, or Rad,' says Chris as they walk towards the stage. 'It should be very America. M a y b e we should just make the sleeve the American flag.' Pause. 'You know, if I was the Edge I'd send lots of postcards, and call t h e m Postcards from the Edge.' T h e concert is a delight, the audience packed up against the stage, screaming. 'It's a natural high,' N e i l declares in the interval. He tells us h o w tonight Catherine ate the rose with w h i c h she frolics: 'She said, " I ' m a m e t h o d actress."' 'A methadone actress,' mutters David Alden, m o r e because it sounds g o o d than for any other reason. ' G o d , it's a mess, 'but I'm getting not to care.' 'Luckily we can get away with murder,' laughs N e i l . 'Four minutes!' Howard hollers. 'I need a f e w more,' Chris complains. ' T h i n k of the merchandising.' D u r i n g the encore a man gets up on-stage and kisses Neil. N e i l pats h i m on the shoulder. T h e n , once N e i l is lying d o w n at the end of 'Your Funny U n c l e ' , another man j u m p s up and asks h i m to sign an autograph. He does. 'It seemed churlish,' he recounts later, 'not to.' *

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O n the bus: 'This is an adventure,' says a rather thrilled A r m a , 'getting on this bus, camping out with the Pet S h o p Boys.' 'I've got an idea for the greatest hits,' says Chris. 'Seven Marvellous Years.' 'It should be sexy,' corrects Neil. 'Seven Sexy Years, or something.' We stop, as promised, at the Palladium. At the entrance, by the bouncers, is a p h o t o c o p y of the Behaviour sleeve photograph, next to w h i c h is the message 'These are w h a t the Pet Shop B o y s look like . . . study this p h o t o carefully.' N e i l and Chris take over the turntables and play a f e w records. O n e of the radio DJs confesses to them that he is a musician t o o and gives them some copies of die single he has made, w h i c h they promise to give a listen. N e i l hands the records to me, reckoning I w o n ' t lose them. I put them d o w n , get drunk, and forget all about them. N o b o d y ever asks me what happened to them. After a w h i l e we pile on to the bus and setde d o w n for the overnight drive to Los Angeles. Chris looks perplexed. He has a problem. 'I never k n o w h o w to get rid of c h e w i n g - g u m , ' he says. 'That's w h y I never accept it.'

Entertainment Weekly, u) April, 'Where lite Pet Shop Boys Are': Until last year, the Pet Shop Boys shunned performing live. And you could see why at their March 28 show at the Warfield Theater in San Francisco . . . 7 be shy duo prefers to rely on their wits rather than their charisma — and wits are pretty hard to visualize . .. 'The audience was treated to a shifting array of futuristic images — like the giant cloudfilled window and exploding clock that dominated the stage — culled from paintings by such surrealists as Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. 1 here were many other references to arty authors, painters and movies ... It wasn't until the encore (. . . Always on My Mind'.. .) that the hand first cracked a smile - and, incidentally, that the audience began to cheer, clap and dance along, acting, at last, as if they were at a concert or discotheque rather than at a pretentious art salon surrounded by snooty aesthetes.

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N e i l is thinking about the future. ' A c c o r d i n g to my pension plan,' he mutters, 'I retire at forty-five. O n l y nine years to go . . . ' S o m e o n e observes that he'll be like M a l c o l m M u g g e r i d g e . 'Yes,' he sighs. 'I'll be incredibly right w i n g , or left w i n g , or very religious, or a complete atheist. S o m e o n e said, " A n y o n e w h o k n o w s something very well is invariably right w i n g about i t . " I'm not saying that's right, but all the teachers I know, they all voted for comprehensives and n o w they hate it.' Pause. ' I ' m thinking of b e c o m i n g a communist now. I love lost causes.' A r m a appears. 'That guy at the club last night was so grateful,' he grins. '1 don't think we'll have a problem with airplay on that station for a couple of years.' Chris is w o r r y i n g about tonight. 'This is the o n e they're all saying will be really g o o d ' - the Pet S h o p Boys have been popular in Los Angeles since the release of the B o b b y ' O ' version of 'West End Girls' - 'so it'll probably be a disaster.' We drive to the Universal Amphitheater: me, N e i l , Chris, A r m a , Neil's brother Philip and his girlfriend. T h e traffic is bad. 'A lot of people are scrambling to get h o m e before Passover,' says A r m a . ' Y o u have to be h o m e before sundown.' ' D o e s that mean no one's c o m i n g to the concert?' asks Chris. '1 think there'll be six thousand gentiles,' says A r m a . 'So are they indoors all the time?' asks Philip. ' N o , ' says A r m a . 'Houston was outdoors.' 'I think he means the Jews,' C h r i s points out. ' O h , ' says Arma. 'I don't know. I ' m Episcopalian.' Chris teases N e i l by saying, about Philip, 'He's g o t a different accent to you. He sounds like a Geordie.' 'I have lived in L o n d o n for eighteen years,' says N e i l in his most imperious voice, then laughs. ' N o t that I sound any different from w h e n I first arrived.'

Pet Shop Boys versus America

' Y o u don't say " w h i t e water rafting" anyway,' says Philip, pronouncing 'rafting' as a posh southerner might. 'Simon's got this video,' N e i l explains - S i m o n is their other brother - ' o f h i m in the Z a m b e z i . We all take the piss out o f h i m saying " w h i t e water rafting". We think he's g o n e colonial.' 'He's c o m i n g back soon, isn't he?' says Chris. 'September,' says N e i l . Chris considers this for a f e w seconds, the return from Africa. 'I'd miss the staff,' he says. We drive on. 'Have y o u ever seen a satellite picture of L A ? ' asks Chris. 'It looks really g o o d . Just grids.' We pass H o l l y w o o d H i g h S c h o o l . 'Is H o l l y w o o d H i g h a g o o d school?' N e i l asks A r m a . ' N o . N o t somewhere I'd send my kids to. T h e Beverly Hills H i g h School, maybe.' He tells us that the parking lot of the latter is split into t w o halves. ' T h e teachers have Toyotas and Volkswagens; the kids have Ferraris and Porsches.' Backstage C h r i s talks about vomiting: 'I can't drink cider. Or Martini. W h e n I was y o u n g e r I used to spend all Friday night throwing up in a bin. It was really crap. I had a friend w h o could drink more, and they expected y o u to keep up.' T h e surprising news circulates that A x l R o s e has asked for tickets for tonight's concert. 'I bet he doesn't come,' says N e i l , then adds, 'though, let's face it, there's not a lot to do in L A . It's a bit like being in M i l t o n Keynes.' T h e y do some interviews. R i c h a r d Blade from the local radio station K R O Q asks t h e m things like ' H o w d o y o u feel about t w o sold-out nights tonight?' and then they are filmed for Entertainment Tonight. Chris tells t h e m that the audiences have been 'way over the top - in San Francisco they kept j u m p i n g on the stage and kissing us'. He explains the show: ' W e play the Pet Shop Boys, or at least a strange f o r m of the Pet Shop Boys, and they try to kill us and we die and we go to heaven'. N e i l says that the pigs in 'Opportunities' are 'meant, I think, to represent people in the music business'. T h e n the interviewer asks about the b o o k Pet Shop Boys, Literally and N e i l gestures towards me, crouching o f f camera taking notes. 'In fact, he's d o i n g a n e w one,' says N e i l . 'You're in Chapter 6.' I watch Chris watching the dancers exercising, lifting their legs over their heads. 'It annoys me they can do that and 1 can't,' he says. 'I hate people w h o are

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g o o d at everything. T h e r e is always one at school - g o o d at sports, really brainy, and they end up at O x f o r d . ' Pause. 'But they always screw up in the end.' Back in the dressing-room Pete lampoons their death scene finale. 'We get no respect,' grunts N e i l . 'I don't k n o w h o w we put up w i t h it. We take them on the w o r l d tour and we don't get any respect.' Pause. 'Except for some of the dancers, and then o n l y w h e n they want something.' Chris's parents arrive. M r s L o w e is full of gossip she has overheard at her hotel about G a r y Kemp's n e w film. 'This is D a v i d Alden,' introduces Chris, ' w h o directed the show, so if y o u have any complaints it's h i m y o u can complain to. I'm just following orders.' ' H o w are your parents, Neil?' inquires Mr L o w e . 'Playing golf?' 'Yes,' nods Neil. ' T h e y ' r e c o m i n g to see the show in Berlin. T h e y want to see the Berlin Wall.' 'It's not there any more,' pipes Chris. ' D o n ' t they k n o w ? ' Chris parades his hairstyle: 'I've deliberately not cut it until after y o u ' v e gone.' Pete tells them about the fan kissing Chris on-stage in San Francisco. ' W h a t did y o u do?' asks M r s L o w e . ' I ' m a professional,' Chris smirks. ' T h e show must go on.' ' N o c o m m e n t , ' says M r s Lowe, clearly r e m e m b e r i n g The Tonight Show. 'No comment.' 'You should be g o i n g now,' says Chris. ' H e doesn't hint,' chuckles Neil. T h e y go. 'Your parents l o o k well,' comments Neil. ' T h e y ' r e happy,' shrugs Chris. ' Y o u take after y o u r father quite a lot, don't you?' N e i l continues. 'He's a bit of a nervous w r e c k too. I could imagine them living here. Blackpool and A m e r i c a are quite similar. It's a kind of attitude. Blackpool thinks of itself as an entertainment t o w n . ' 'Well, it is,' says Chris. A hanger-on w h o m they met on a previous trip is hanging on outside. ' H e said to me one of my favourite things anyone's ever said to me in America,' says Neil. ' " H a v e you heard of L e v i ' s ? " ' T h e endless debate over their career starts over again. 'All w e ' v e got to do now,' Chris announces, 'is make a really g o o d record.'

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'Yes,' concurs Neil. 'I think we shouldn't release the greatest hits album until we have a sensational record. B u t I think maybe after this tour we might c o m e up w i t h something a little bit fabulous.' T h e discussion winds on for some minutes. ' W e ' v e g o n e o f f the boil w i d i the public,' sighs N e i l . 'We'll sell out three Wembleys w i t h a bit of a struggle.' 'It's all d o w n to the album not being as g o o d , ' says Chris. 'I think w e ' v e lost some of the teenage audience,' digresses N e i l . 'I think w e ' v e got to write some simpler, h o o k y music,' says Chris. 'Yeah,' says N e i l . 'That's w h a t I think.' 'I think w e ' v e disappeared up our o w n backsides,' says Chris. ' N o , ' halts N e i l , 'I don't think that.' 'I think we have. Lyrically.' Pause. ' N o t just that. We d o n ' t w r i t e anything simple any more, like "Let's M a k e Lots of M o n e y " . ' Brad, w h o is from their A m e r i c a n b o o k i n g agency, is chatting in the corridor. 'A friend of mine w e n t to see the show in San Francisco. He described it as like a Magritte painting on acid.' Inside they are nearly ready. 'Isn't it exciting?' says Neil. 'I only l o o k forward to the end,' says Chris. 'I like die end too,' agrees Neil; 'because y o u can sort of give in and l o o k at the audience.' He smiles. 'It's kind of a professional night tonight. T h e y ' r e d o i n g it in H o l l y w o o d ! It takes a bit of a nerve.' 'This could be the night,' taunts Chris, ' w h e n the computer crashes.' N e i l is furious. ' D o n ' t say that! D o n ' t say that! D o n ' t say that!' 'Yesterday,' says Chris, sidestepping Neil's annoyance, 'I made the mistake of drinking lots of water, and midway through the first song I thought u h - o h 'Chris,' sighs N e i l , 'has got a notoriously weak bladder.' As they walk to the stage A r m a tells them, beaming, 'This is the show we were told not to do.' T h e i r b o o k i n g agents told t h e m they should be b o o k e d into a two-thousand-seat venue for one night only in Los Angeles, but their pride couldn't accept that they weren't a bigger draw than that. Instead they b o o k e d one, then two, shows at the six-thousand-seater Universal Amphitheater and have sold them out. ' W e have got,' nods N e i l , 'a right to gloat.' *

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Halftone. T h e audience has seemed a litde baffled by the first half. 'After the lights w e n t on,' says A r m a (meaning the interval lights), 'they were all thinking, w h a t was that?' ' G o o d , ' says Chris, 'because they're g o i n g to have a quiz afterwards.' He complains that he spotted C r a i g g r i n n i n g as he split apart Stalin's head with a h a m m e r and sickle. 'I think he doesn't realize that some of us are quite sad about the demise of c o m m u n i s m . ' Ivan sweeps in, shaking his head w i t h a smile, as if to say, w h a t is this town? 'People were c o m i n g up to me after thirty seconds going, "It's a great s h o w ! " I said, " H o w do y o u k n o w ? " ' In the dressing-room, afterwards, sits a cakc in the shape of A m c r i c a , courtesy ofEMI. 'We're not having pictures of us w i t h a cake all across the trade papers,' snaps Chris immediately. ' A r m a , ' agrees Neil, 'no photos w i d i the cake. We'll do a photo w i d i the E M I people, n o problem. N o p h o t o w i d i die cake. We'll d o the photos, and we'll pretend the cake never happened.' 'It's not even a cake of A m e r i c a , ' Chris complains. 'It looks more like Puerto R i c o . ' ' C a n I talk about the cakc here?' says A r m a . He is in trouble, struggling. 'I think the concept of the cakc is a symbolic one. You're c o n q u e r i n g A m e r i c a . ' ' W i t h the help o f E M I , ' sniggers Chris. A r m a leaves to do some schmoozing. Ivan walks in. H o w well he k n o w s them. Before anyone says anything he says, ' I ' m not talking about die cakc.' 'It's completely Spinal Tap,' says Chris. Pause. 'It's a matter of principle. We're not cake-eaters.' A r m a returns. 'I've got a w i l d card for y o u . T h i s is Spinal Tap. A x l R o s e . . . ' ' . . . wants to be photographed w i t h the cake?' asks Chris. 'He's here,' says A r m a . ' H e stayed to the end?' says Chris. ' W h y w o u l d he w a n t to do that? H e y ! Fancy A x l R o s e wanting to be photographed w i d i tragic old us.' T h e y prepare to meet the gadiering in die hospitality area. T h e y have been drinking champagne in the dressing-room out of the Pepsi cups provided, but as they are n o w stepping out into public diey search for, and find, some l o g o free vessels and decant their drinks. Outside - to the sound of Erasure, w h i c h is someone's idea of suitable music for a Pet Shop Boys party - they walk straight

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into A x l R o s e , w h o turns out to be unfailingly friendly and sweet. T h e y had assumed that he couldn't have k n o w n m u c h about them, but the first thing he says is, ' G o r g e o u s show - w h y didn't y o u do " B e i n g B o r i n g " ? ' A f t e r they have chatted and had their photo taken — one will end up in Rolling Stone - I talk to A x l a while. He tells me he asked for four tickets, but couldn't get any of his friends to c o m e with him. ' O n e finally did, and said, " T h e y don't k n o w w h a t they're m i s s i n g . " ' I express some surprise at finding h i m here. 'I used to hate them,' he allows. 'I was the guy at the M T V awards w h o shouted out, " T h e Pet S h o p Boys s u c k ! " ' At first I assume this allusion is metaphorical, but then I realize he means it quite literally. T h e Pet Shop Boys played at the M T V awards in 1986. 'I shouted out during a quiet bit w h e n they played "West E n d Girls". B u t w h e n I really hate someone I get all their records to try and w o r k o u t why, and I found I really like them.' He proceeds to rave about the show - 'that was so cool, " M y O c t o b e r S y m p h o n y " , w h e n they don't even sing' - and says that liking them is b e c o m i n g a shared secret in his world. 'I p h o n e d up the singer of N i n e Inch Nails and 1 said, " W h a t ' s that you're listening t o ? " and he said, " O h , er, it's the Pet S h o p B o y s . " ' He tells me he plays Behaviour in the car and his friends say, ' W h a t are y o u trying to make me like now . . . ?' T h e n he tells me that there's something in c o m m o n b e t w e e n ' M y O c t o b e r S y m p h o n y ' and this song he's struggling w i t h in the studio at the m o m e n t , a song called ' N o v e m b e r R a i n ' . B u t his favourite song on Behaviour is ' B e i n g B o r i n g ' . 'That bit about the seventies and the nineties. I can certainly relate to that, because I left h o m e too Back in die dressing-room N e i l and C h r i s compare notes. 'Well, A x l R o s e , ' says Neil. ' H e was the one w h o shocked me. B u t he's seen the light. He told me that w h e n they were recording their album, during the breaks they'd listen to Behaviour, and he said we were an inspiration to them.' Neil's friend from the other night, Y o u n g M C , was there too. N e i l wonders belatedly about a problem of etiquette. 'Is it correct to call Y o u n g MC " Y o u n g " ? ' he wonders. 'I said, " N i c e to see you, Y o u n g . " ' ' D i d y o u speak to the Lowes?' asks Philip. 'She said it was very g o o d . He said it was "different".' B u t tonight they are happy. ' Y o u know,' says Neil, 'it's quite a g o o d idea not touring for five years after

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your first hit, because just w h e n p e o p l e are g o i n g o f f the boil it kind of revitalizes you.'

Los Angeles Times, J April,

'Rock-Theater Revival':

Tor all the knowing edges and satirical thrusts of their tart social commentaries about class, art, consumption and sex, the Pet Shop Boys managed to generate a sympathy - not for themselves as stars, certainly, and not even as stage characters, but for the confusing, sad world whose poets they've become.

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Saturday, 30 March

Chris returns from one of his favourite Los Angeles spots, the H o l l y w o o d Diner. ' T h e y still have o u r picture up,' he says, his tone a mixture of surprise and pride. 'I thought they'd have taken it d o w n . ' He likes it here. 'A life by the pool is right up my street. T h e only thing I'd miss is the pop music. I'd have to get the latest records flown in every w e e k . ' N e i l has just met D e p e c h e M o d e singer Dave Gahan on the M o n d r i a n H o t e l terrace having w h a t N e i l calls 'a bit of a s p o o k y lunch' with Ivan. ' H e said, " I ' m really trying to get away from rock'n'roll at the m o m e n t . " I diought, oh, that's w h y y o u ' v e moved to H o l l y w o o d , then. H e ' s got a Dave Stewart beard.' 'I'm not surprised he lives here,' Chris chips in. ' W h e r e w o u l d you rather live — LA or Basildon?' 'Basildon,' mutters Neil. T h e y discuss staying in Los Angeles one day longer than scheduled and then, instead of taking die bus overnight to Salt Lake City, flying the next morning. 'It's better to be here,' argues Chris. ' Y o u might be turned 011 by that w h o l e religious thing.' ' M o r m o n s don't take on Catholics,' says N e i l . ' T h e y used to c o m e round and w e ' d say we were Catholic and they'd just go away.' 'Wasn't A x e l F nice?' says Chris, changing the subject. 'I couldn't believe h o w nice he was.' ' H e said it was " f u c k i n ' gorgeous, m a n " ! ' says Neil. ' " F u c k i n ' g o r g e o u s " ! ' Chris turns to Arma: 'Morrissey's got a big billboard outside T o w e r Records. It's annoying, seeing his on the front and ours four rows d o w n . I find billboards more important than anything else.' ' T h e w i n d o w s cost maybe five to six thousand dollars,' explains A r m a , 'but they're not d o i n g that w i t h o u t Tower doing a deal. R e c o r d companies rarely take advertising just for imaging — it's usually tied into an account.' N e i l remembers something and laughs. 'I g o t a call last night,' he says.

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| ' T h e y said, "Is that the Pet Shop B o y s ? " and I said, " N o , they're in 1 1 2 1 . " ' He laughs. Chris's room. E x c e p t . . . 'I'm not in I I 2 J , ' says Chris. 'I'm in 1021.' ' O h dear.' At the Universal Amphitheater: 'You l o o k like Freddie Kruger,' Trevor tells Chris. 'So he goes to M i c h i k o in L o n d o n , does he?' asks Chris. N e i l studies a newspaper article. ' "Deadpan vocals",' sighs Neil. It's the phrase that pops up again and again in their reviews. 'I'd happily never hear that again.' ' A t least y o u don't get the A1 Stewart thing any more,' says Chris. N e i l sees me write this d o w n . 'Except in this b o o k , ' he complains. N o w Chris sighs. ' Y o u know,' he says, 'I think I prefer the meet'n'greet to the actual show.' N e i l opens a letter. It's from an actor called Bryan Lawrence w h o writes that he w o r k e d with t h e m w h e n they filmed 'Always on My M i n d ' for a TV tribute to Elvis Presley, Love Me Tender- 'I was a mere hand-jiver in the chorus' and n o w has a play opening in Los Angeles. Lynn Goldsmith arrives to take their photo. T h e y are dressed as schoolboys for the first song. 'Is that a hat in your pocket?' she asks Chris. 'I thought y o u had a strange fetish.' 'I do . . . ' says Chris. ' . . . but that's not it,' completes Neil. On the way upstairs to do the photos we pass C a r n i e W i l s o n from W i l s o n Phillips, picking from a tray in a hospitality room. '1 still maintain it's g o o d she's fat,' says Neil. ' W h o was more famous M a m a Cass or Michelle Phillips?' Ivan tells them that tonight's show is a complete sell-out. A hundred tickedess fans are outside. 'If G e o r g e Michael walked up n o w there's nothing I could do for him. " G e o r g e , diere's no r o o m at the inn. There's a cowshed d o w n the r o a d . " ' D u r i n g the halfway break Janet Street-Porter and her boyfriend TV presenter N o r m s k i c o m e backstage, and she boasts h o w she has been shouting at overenthusiastic fans in front of t h e m to sit down.

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Pete takes a Polaroid of everyone. A f t e r the show N e i l walks into the dressing-room and his wings fall off. ' I ' m too sweaty, I haven't got my hat, my wings have c o m e o f f , ' he sighs. 'It's all t o o late.' 'It's all falling apart,' says Chris. Janet tells a story of g o i n g to the R o x b u r y w i t h a famous rock manager: Terence Trent D ' A r b y and Lenny Kravitz came over to their table and he said, as they approached, ' L o o k , girls! It's Milli Vanilli!' T h e r e are separate limos back to the hotel. I pile into Neil's. 'We got away with it again,' he smiles a little drunkenly, and starts singing 'I've been getting away with it ...'. He mentions that w h e n Janet saw the show's dress rehearsal at the B r i x t o n A c a d e m y early in the m o n t h she had said, 'That's all your fans b e t w e e n fourteen and t w e n t y - t w o killed off.' Ivan asks N e i l w h e t h e r - as he declared early on during the last tour - he has b e g u n to think about w h a t he'll be having for dinner afterwards while o n stage. ' N o , ' he says, 'I've got t o o m u c h to do in this show.' Pause. 'Also, I have dinner beforehand.'

Deseret N e w s , Salt Lake City, 30 March, 'Pet Shop Boys performing Monday': No fooling, come April 1st another invasion will take place, only this time in Salt Lake City. And there's no general leading the attack by the name of Schwarzkopf. True, America's most loyal ally, Great Britain, is once again sending her sons into the fray, although this invasion has nothing to do unth guns or butter, for that matter. At least not the kind of butter you spread on toast. . .

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Janet Street-Porter and N o r m s k i are staying in a house on Malibu beach o w n e d by Steve Fargnoli (until recendy one of Prince's managers, n o w manager of Sinead O ' C o n n o r , a m o n g others). T h e y have invited N e i l for lunch and so Dainton drives him along Sunset Boulevard and then up the coast, Pennie and myself in tow. We sit round and enjoy a drink and the view. This small strip is w h e r e the H o l l y w o o d and music millionaires live. R o b e r t de Niro's house is a couple along. 'I thought 1 might see them all beach-stepping,' says N o r m s k i , 'but they're all polishing their Grammies and Oscars.' N o r m s k i puts on a record by Another Bad Creation and N e i l reminisces about listening to Led Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven' - final line 'she's b u y i n g a stairway to heaven' - w h e n he was younger. 'I always thought it was about shopping for a Stairway to Heaven,' he says. 'I always had this vision of a w o m a n g o i n g to Peter Jones in Sloane Square and saying, " D o y o u have a Stairway to Heaven?" . . . " N o , I wanted one in blue N e i l is still feeling a little under the weather and he is directed towards a cupboard where a previous house visitor, Sinead O ' C o n n o r , has left half a packet of a p i c k - m e - u p called W o w ! He tries a sachet and it works a treat, so he is encouraged to take the remains of Sinead's supply. He frets about A m e r i c a n insularity. 'I tried to p h o n e up Zambia and the hotel operator had never heard of it. She said, " D o y o u want the code for Africa?" T h e y ' r e not absolutely convinced the rest of the world exists.' S o m e o n e drinks a glass of orange juice. ' O r a n g e juice,' he pronounces, 'can give you stomach cancer. T h e r e are diseases in California because people drink too m u c h orange juice.' Pause. 'Actually, 1 m i g h t have just made that up.' N o r m s k i appears w i t h his n e w hat, a floppy g o l d and black creation like an upside-down pyramid. We all try it on. He's already been told it looks like it's by R i f a t O z b e k . N e i l says it's v e r y early Michael Jackson. ' I ' m glad y o u said that,' says N o r m s k i , 'becausc y o u just lowered your credibility b e l o w the belt, baby. I b o u g h t it on Venice beach.'

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Wc take a walk along the beach. It is deserted. ' R i g h t ! ' snaps Neil. ' W h e r e ' s M a d o n n a , then? W h e r e ' s M a d o n n a , Sting, R o b e r t de N i r o and Jack Nicholson?' As yet, there is no one. ' O f course,' he adds, 'if we see them, we'll pretend we don't recognize them

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Monday, i April

On the way to the airport: ' Y o u ' v e got the sun,' Pennie tells Chris. 'I used a suntanning cream,' says Chris. N e i l reads a review. It is positive, but he is not impressed. 'This is w h a t I call a "despite . . . " review. Despite the fact they've g o t no personalities, despite the fact he can't sing, despite the fact they're ironic . . . ' Chris reads it. ' T h e y ' r e all here,' he sighs. ' " D e a d p a n " . . . " i r o n i c " . . . ' ' T h e usual words,' sighs Neil. ' W e could have a checklist,' Chris suggests. ' T h e y ' v e gorra lorra lorra irony,' mutters Neil. T h e t w o of t h e m complain about the paparazzi. E M I are always inviting them w h e n they're not w e l c o m e . 'Last year at the record signing,' says N e i l , ' w e threw them out and they were all shouting, " H o p e your record does shit." ' 'We're just surrounded by hopeless people,' says Chris. We arrive at the airport. 'We're flying Delta, are we?' asks Chris. ' T h e airline that serves food. That's h o w I w o u l d advertise if I was them: " W e serve f o o d . " ' Inside the terminal he spots a marine and decides he wants his p h o t o taken w i t h him. ' W e l c o m e h o m e , our boys,' he says deadpan. ' H e looks a bit tired,' N e i l points out. ' H e doesn't quite l o o k ready for a photo opportunity.' B u t h e is. ' Y o u in a band?' he asks Chris. 'Yes. T h e Pet S h o p Boys.' ' O h yeah?' T h e y talk a while, then Chris returns. ' H e just came back from "the war e f f o r t " , ' C h r i s tells us. ' H o w was it for him?' inquires N e i l . 'Great,' says Chris. ' H e kicked Iraqi ass.' We chat about the war. W h e n e v e r we talk about the G u l f War N e i l calls

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I Schwarzkopf Schwarzenegger. T h e n , as we sit here, a w h o l e group of marines disembark and kids run up to them, waving flags. 'Hey!' shouts one of them, 'He's home!' and nearly everyone in the airport lounge applauds. 'Have y o u noticed?' c o m m e n t s N e i l quietly. ' T h e y all do w h a t they do on television.' Pause. 'If I'd been at w a r for five years, and been in the jungle, my father w o u l d meet me at the airport and shake my hand, and w e ' d drive h o m e probably more or less in silence.' A n d - his tone conveys - a fine, sensible state of affairs that w o u l d be. We watch some more. O n e of the marines is literally leapt upon by an adoring friend. ' O h , ' sighs Chris, 'actually that's pretty genuine, that is. We're just t o o cynical.' Salt Lake C i t y Airport: 'You know,' says Chris, ' M o r m o n s l o o k pretty m u c h like anybody else.' T h e city is set on a plain surrounded by a distant ring of snow-capped mountains. ' I ' m not very impressed by mountains,' says Chris. 'That w h o l e Switzerland tiling. T h e y just l o o k like chocolate boxes. T h e y ' v e never done anything for me. That's w h y I like LA so much, because the mountains in die distance aren't corny ones. It's "snow-capped mountains" I hate.' We are met by Steve from E M I , still talking about Queensryche, w h o fills us in on the liquor laws: no liquor shop sales on Sundays, no doubles ever. Until the W i n t e r O l y m p i c s were held here y o u couldn't buy spirits with a mixer. 'I can imagine tilings happen in this t o w n , ' says Chris with relish. ' U n e x pected things.' T h e man from E M I enthusiastically tells us diat Eric B u r d o n and Brian A u g e r are playing in a local club late tonight. ' I ' m sorry,' says N e i l , to widespread derision, ' I ' m g o i n g to see Eric B u r d o n ! He's one of the original Geordies.' (He doesn't, of course.) Before g o i n g to the hotel there is a radio station stop, at H O T 94.9 K Z H T . T h e m e n from E M I grovel t o die programme director's y o u n g daughter, R i c k i , as though she were the most important person in U t a h . To them, maybe, she is. ' W o u l d y o u guys like anything to drink?' asks the programme director. 'Ovaltine perhaps?' Laughs. It's a the-English-are-in-town j o k e . 'I've never had Ovaltine in my life,' mutters N e i l . We sit w i d i the DJ waiting for the commercials to finish. Hair carc.

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9;

Weddings. M e x i c a n food. D u r i n g the last one the DJ says, to us but not to his listeners, 'I just had some, and I feel like p u k i n g now.' T h e next ad is for pizza. ' D o y o u like pizza?' the ad inquires. ' N o , ' says the DJ, 'I hate pizza.' T h e interview is dull but pleasant. It ends like this: 'Before I let y o u go, w h i c h one of y o u worked in the Pet Shop?' ' O h , neither of us,' says Chris. 'A friend did.' ' O h ! I like it!' Outside the studio a girl fan rushes up to them. 'You're Lowe!' she exclaims 1 to Chris. 'That's my last name,' he confirms evenly. 'I'm L o w e too,' she explains, clearly quite overcome by the coincidence. T h e y are dragged away to do some station I D s . N e i l gets confused midway. 'Hi,' he says, ' I ' m Chris . . . O h . I ' m not, actually.' T h e fans are still there w h e n N e i l and Chris have finished. T h e y have lots of expensive import copies of the Pet Shop Boys' records. T h e y ask Neil and Chris to sign a copy of the original 'Opportunities', w h i c h still carries a $34-99 price sticker. T h e r e ' s a local shop, they explain, w h i c h sells this stuff. Or, rather, did. ' T h e y closed d o w n last w e e k . ' 'That's the curse of the Pet Shop Boys,' says N e i l . T h e E M I man asks them to w r i t e an autograph for someone by the name of Elder Warner. 'He's a missionary,' the E M I man explains. ' H e wants our autograph?' says N e i l . ' W h a t kind of a missionary is he?' We drive into town. ' W e haven't,' N e i l complains, 'met one of the O s m o n d s yet.' We wander round the town on foot. As we pass the M o r m o n Family History M u s e u m we debate w h e t h e r it's true that we're all already listed in there, waiting to be claimed retrospectively (when y o u convert, y o u r ancestors c o m e w i t h you) to the M o r m o n faith. Chris takes a p h o t o of a fake log cabin. A sign says 'Erccted 1983-85'' L o o k ! ' grins Chris. ' " E r e c t e d " ! ' N e i l says he likes it here. 'It's very relaxing; it's g o t n o n e of that big-city pressure.' He poses by a l o n g American car. "Very Darkness on the Edge of Town, this is.' We walk d o w n to the train tracks. No one is around. We stroll into the terminal building. 'This obviously was the station,' says Chris.

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

' T h e n s o m e b o d y invented the aeroplane,' says N e i l . W e have w a l k e d far e n o u g h . T h e y pose for Pennie's camera o n the train tracks t h e n Pete disappears to get t h e l i m o to p i c k us up. At K i n g s b u r y A u d i t o r i u m a n o t h e r radio i n t e r v i e w e r is waiting. He has an i n g e n i o u s , l o w - b u d g e t strategy f o r outside broadcasts. H e wants t o d o the i n t e r v i e w live on air by using a portable p h o n e w h i c h he passes back and f o r t h . It w o r k s all right. ' W h a t d o c s the cover o f y o u r a l b u m m e a n ? ' h e asks C h r i s . 'It d o e s n ' t , really,' says C h r i s . I n the d r e s s i n g - r o o m Sinead O ' C o n n o r ' s W o w ! reappears. N e i l drinks s o m e w i t h t o m a t o j u i c e . ' W o w ! ' he says. M e a n w h i l e , outside, gay activists are h a n d i n g o u t leaflets w i t h pictures o f the Pet S h o p B o y s o n t h e m . T h e a u d i e n c e itself l o o k s as n o r m a l as any - a litde m o r e conservatively dressed, m a y b e - but m o s t of t h e m are, we are assured, M o r m o n s . ( E v e r y o n e on the tour talks of ' M o r m o n s ' as t h o u g h it w e r e s o m e h o w akin to b e i n g an alien.) D u r i n g the first song, w h e n the dancers spell o u t

JESUS

SAVES

on

individual blackboards, there is usually a c h e e r (a mixture, I rather suspect, of those w h o endorse the sentiment w i t h o u t irony and those w h o appreciate its s c h o o l - n i g h t m a r e c o n t e x t ) . T o n i g h t there is silence. T o n i g h t there is a lot of silence. A t halftime C h r i s says, 'It's t h e M r s L o w e w o r l d - v i e w . ' N e i l c o n c u r s . 'It's " T h e y do have to spoil the s h o w . . . It is a bit sick, b u t they're British, y o u k n o w . . . T h e British are a bit s i c k . . . " ' D u r i n g the s e c o n d half I b u m p into D a i n t o n , all a-fluster. He has spotted the flashes of a camera in the a u d i e n c e and he's l o o k i n g f o r the culprit, but he just can't place w h e r e the flashes are c o m i n g from. He asks me to help h i m , and I t o o can see t h e flashes b u t can't spot their source. It is s o m e minutes b e f o r e we realize that t h e y are c o m i n g from the p h o t o g r a p h e r pigs, up on-stage, as t h e y d o every night. In the dressing-room Pete p h o t o g r a p h s t h e m b o t h , still dressed as angels. ' I ' m sorry,' declares N e i l . ' I ' m s o g o o d - l o o k i n g o n occasions. W h e n I ' m m a d e up.' C h r i s complains t o N e i l a b o u t his ' w h o o o o ! ' w h i c h a i m o u n c e s the c h a n g e o f ' A l w a y s o n M y M i n d ' f r o m a n acoustic ballad t o a h i g h - e n e r g y romp. 'It was u n c o n v i n c i n g and t o o late,' he m o a n s . 'I'd f o r g e t that r o c k ' n ' r o l l stuff if I was y o u and stick t o ironic d e t a c h m e n t . ' A s h e undresses C h r i s adds, ' O u r n e x t tour

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s h o u l d b e called P e t S h o p B o y s Play T h e Sheds. E v e r y t h i n g w e d o i s s o literal,' h e laughs. ' O u r n e w v i d e o i s called . . . " P r o m o t i o n ! " ' ' W e should call the fan club Fan Base,' suggests N e i l . P e o p l e s u c k their heads t h r o u g h the d o o r and proffer congratulations. 'I've started g i v i n g the Frank Sinatra answer,' says N e i l , recalling his o n e e n c o u n t e r w i t h Mr Sinatra. ' I f p e o p l e say, "It's g r e a t " , 1 say, " Y e a h , we certainly had a l o t of f u n o n - s t a g e t o n i g h t . " ' He has n o w d e c i d e d to tackle his ailments the direct way. C h a m p a g n e . ' C h a m p a g n e cures e v e r y t h i n g , ' he declares. 'I am an e x p e r t on the subject. I am h e l d t o g e t h e r by c h a m p a g n e on this tour.' S o m e fans have b e e n invited into the backstage catering area for a drink. I ask i f any o f t h e m are M o r m o n s . T h e y all are. O n e o f t h e m tells N e i l that there is to be a screening of It Couldn't Happen Here in t o w n this w e e k . ' A r e y o u g o i n g to see it?' asks N e i l . He l o o k s at the flyer advertising the screening, and quotes f r o m it. 'It's "unusually bizarre . . . s p o o k y . . . a n d e n t e r t a i n i n g " , ' he says. ' A n d that's just C h r i s . ' C h r i s m e a n w h i l e is asking a n o t h e r g r o u p about their faith, and they are diligently relating h o w o n e o f their f o u n d i n g fathers restored the gospel o f C h r i s t in T830. ' I f we had a b o o k , ' they say earnesdy, ' w e ' d g i v e it to y o u . ' I ask t h e m a b o u t the rules of b e i n g a M o r m o n . ' N o t o u c h i n g girls. N o alcoholic drinks. N o s m o k i n g . N o premarital sex.' T h e n they tell m e that the s h o w 'was o n e o f the best w e ' v e b e e n to'. B u t w h a t a b o u t its religious aspects? I ask. 'I think it s h o w s that it matters,' equivocates o n e . I ask t w o girls w h e t h e r d i e y are e n c o u r a g e d to listen to p o p music. 'If it's depressing, y o u avoid it.' B u t a lot of Pet S h o p B o y s songs are depressing. ' Y e a h , b u t n o t a b o u t suicide o r death. I f i t makes y o u w a n t t o c o m m i t suicide.' I am a b o u t to s c o f f at the n o t i o n that there is any such music w h e n she adds, rather definitively, 'I've g o t friends that have c o m m i t t e d suicide because o f music.' In the l i m o u s i n e b a c k to the hotel: ' W e ' r e n i c e p e o p l e , ' says C h r i s , m e a n i n g to have spent so m u c h time signing autographs f o r t h e fans. ' Y o u ' r e n o t , ' retorts N e i l . ' Y o u ' r e bitter and twisted.' C h r i s talks a b o u t h o w f u n n y it felt p r e t e n d i n g to be d r u n k in front of a c r o w d o f M o r m o n s d u r i n g 'West E n d Girls'.

1

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' Y o u know we r o c k e d t h e m , ' says D a i n t o n . ' W e b u r n t o u t the salt in Salt Lake.' 'It's n o w fresh water,' adds N e i l , logically.

Deseret N e w s , Salt Lake City, 2 April,

'Pet Shop Boys put on quite a show - but

what does it all mean?': Taking my daughter to her first rock concert was an experience neither of us will soon forget...

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Tuesday, 2 April

In the limousine to Salt Lake C i t y airport: Chris had decided to stay in Salt Lake C i t y for an extra day, but N e i l travels on to Minneapolis. 'We have this ambition to do pantomime,' he says. ' W e told Barbara W i n d s o r we w e r e g o i n g to do one w i t h her and she was thrilled. Of course w e ' d be the U g l y Sisters. K y l i e w o u l d be Prince C h a r m i n g and Jason, of course, w o u l d be Cinderella.' He shakes his head. 'Actually it w o u l d be t o o camp. It w o u l d destroy o u r credibility for ever.' He talks about the Salt Lake C i t y fans from last night. 'It's amazing h o w in these apple-pie places y o u have these disconcerted kids, the rebels w h o don't fit in.' At the airport he has a hot dog. 'I love these little tomato ketchup things,' he says, fingering some small sachets. ' T h e y ' r e very A n d y Warhol.' On the aeroplane the stewardess makes 'a special announcement for the Pet Shop B o y s and dieir entourage, wishing them g o o d luck on their American tour'. T h e entourage, w h o are b e g i n n i n g to get their o w n rather rowdy team spirit, cheer. T h e entourage n o w have their o w n rituals. W h e n o n e of them shouts 'dead ants' they all must fall to the floor and imitate a dead ant. W h e n we land N e i l decides he wants to see Prince's studios, Paisley Park, and so we drive o u t there. On the way he pontificates on the art of the p o p film. 'I think the important tiling in a p o p m o v i e is to have a plot. I've learned by experience. A Hard Day's Night had a plot - " R i n g o ' s g o n e missing! Is the show g o i n g to happen?" - and it was fabulous myth-building for the Beatles. Like Help! - they all lived in one h o m e ! ' Paisley Park is not especially interesting. Prince doesn't appear. T h e studio manager explains lots of technical things and shows us the studios, in one of w h i c h a j a z z rock group are recording. N e i l says Chris w o u l d never record there anyway. ' H e thought M u n i c h was boring.' For his o w n part N e i l doesn't want to ever record in Los Angeles. ' A t least in N e w Y o r k , if I ' m bored I can go to the theatre.'

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ft We plan a trip to P r i n c e ' s nightclub, G l a m Slam. ' D o y o u w a n t a car or a cab?' asks Ivan. ' A r e w e paying?' asks N e i l . 'Yeah,' says Ivan. 'Let's g e t a cab,' says N e i l . N e i l and I g o s h o p p i n g i n d o w n t o w n M i n n e a p o l i s . H e b u y s cassettes o f the n e w records by R E M and Joni M i t c h e l l , this w e e k ' s New Yorker and a c o p y of the academic j o u r n a l Partisan Review because it includes an article c o m p a r i n g d i e crimes o f L e n i n , Stalin and Hitler. ' T h a t ' s t w o magazines I'll never read and t w o tapes I'll never listen to,' he says, 'but I e n j o y e d b u y i n g t h e m . '

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Wednesday, 3 April

'Are y o u g o i n g to the show tonight?' C h r i s asks a fan hanging around the hotel lobby. 'Yes.' ' O n e of the few,' sighs Chris. 'Everyone else is g o i n g to see the Scorpions.' He tells N e i l of his day's relaxation in Salt Lake City. 'I've been converted to the M o r m o n s . A l l of the Pet S h o p Boys' i n c o m e is g o i n g to the M o r m o n s from n o w on.' He actually w e n t tenpin b o w l i n g and up into the mountains. 'I expected it all to be little huts like Austria, but it's all concrete.' This, it seems, pleased him. He has a question. 'Ivan, w h y aren't we flying to C h i c a g o ? ' We are supposed to travel overnight on the bus. 'A) because it's not very far,' answers Ivan, 'and b) because we can go on the bus.' ' A n d c),' chips in N e i l , 'because y o u don't like flying.' 'That was before I discovered Delta,' says Chris. ' T h e y even give y o u a starter.' T h e y p h o n e Susan Blond. T h e y have heard that invitations have been made for their N e w York party and are annoyed that they haven't seen diem. It is an amusing p h o n e call to watch as it is N e i l w h o is speaking d o w n die p h o n e but Chris w h o is, with increasing tetchiness, making most of die points, so that N e i l has to relay Chris's opinions and the answers back and forth. Finally N e i l tires of being the agent of Chris's anger and simply hands C h r i s the telephone. 'Susan?' says Chris. 'I've just been put on the phone. I don't k n o w why.' 'I thought y o u wanted to say something,' mutters N e i l . 'I wanted you to ask Susan something,' says Chris. A f e w moments later, Susan B l o n d still on the phone, die invitation is faxed through. Chris is as livid as he expected to be. 'Basically,' he fumes, 'it's crap. It looks like an invitation to a wedding.' 'Also,' says N e i l , glaring at it, 'we're not the Pet Shop Boys.'

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ft:

T h e y insist that it be redone. Susan asks them to talk w i t h Rolling Stone, a c o m m e n t or t w o to accompany the photo w i t h A x l R o s e . T h e y refuse. ' W h a t ' s the angle?' huffs Neil. ' W h a t A x l R o s e said to me? We didn't really say anything.' O n c e N e i l has put the p h o n e d o w n Chris really lets rip about the invitation. 'These people have got to stop thinking for themselves. It's dangerous.' 'That is w h a t these people think they are employed to do,' N e i l points out. Chris telephones M a r k Farrow, their designer, in L o n d o n to discuss the n e w party invitation. 'You w e r e n ' t i n bed, were you? . . . Sorry . . . W h o with? . . . You're not on your o w n , are you? . . . ' T h e invitation sorted out, he and N e i l discuss triumphantly minimal Pet S h o p Boys party invitations of the past, just bearing one single phrase, w i t h b r i e f practical information in small type. 'I liked " M e e t Liza",' says N e i l . T h a t was for a record industry m e e t ' n ' greet with Liza. 'I thought yours was the best,' says C h r i s . ' " N e i l T e n n a n t - A C e l e b r a t i o n " . ' Of his thirty-sixth birthday. In the dressing-room of the O r p h e u m Theater the Pet Shop B o y s are surprised, and not a little thrilled, to find flowers from A x l (the florist has written 'Alex') R o s e . 'Congratulations on the attainment of dreams!' his note reads. 'Thanks for the hospitality. It was a beautiful night - anything but b o r i n g . ' T h e r e is, separately, a bottle of champagne w i t h its o w n note. ' T h e bubbly goes with the flowers. Minnesota law bans champagne and flowers g o i n g together...' T h e overture strikes up. 'I'll be glad w h e n I never have to hear this again,' grunts Chris. At halftimc N e i l confesses, likewise, ' W h e n I ' m walking off-stage at the end of " I ' m N o t Scared" I'm thinking, the first half's nearly over.' '1 don't suppose Prince has bothered to c o m e , ' says Chris. 'He's just a tragic rock'n'roller.' 'He's probably g o n e to see the Scorpions,' says N e i l . 'Let's face it, he doesn't sell as many records as A x l R o s e , our n u m b e r - o n e fan.' N e w s arrives that the m i d w e e k British chart prediction for ' . . . Streets . . . " is number six again. 'It's not a major hit,' moans Chris. '1 think we should ditch Behaviour. T h a t turkey of an album. We should write another g o o d dance album, write Behaviour o f f as a tax loss.' He sighs. 'We're a singles band. We're not an album band. We

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m i g h t as well n o t m a k e a g o o d a l b u m . We should m a k e a f e w hit singles and t h e n put t h e m o u t w i t h a load o f rubbish.' 'Has " . . . Streets . . . " sold u s any albums?' w o n d e r s N e i l . ' T h e album's n o t even in the t o p 500,' sulks C h r i s quite inaccurately. 'It is in A m e r i c a , ' protests N e i l . 'It w e n t b a c k up to n u m b e r 179.' T h i s , alas, is precisely true. A f t e r the s h o w N e i l browses t h r o u g h the New Yorker and c o m e s across a c a r t o o n w h e r e a m a n in pyjamas is saying g o o d n i g h t and g o i n g to b e d on-stage. T h e i r j o k e : e x a c t l y w h a t happens a t the end o f the Pet S h o p B o y s ' p e r f o r m a n c e each night. ' T h a t ' s totally s p o o k y , ' N e i l mutters. 'It's s p o o k e d m e o u t . ' H e puts the m a g a z i n e d o w n and fusses a b o u t his stetson and his c o w b o y boots. C h r i s groans. ' O h dear,' h e says, u n h a p p y a b o u t N e i l ' s n e w - f o u n d A t n c r i c a n a enthusiasms, 'he's o n his w a y t o b e i n g D e p e c h e M o d e . ' In an u n d e r g r o u n d rectangular r o o m b e n e a t h the v e n u e w h e r e drinks are b e i n g taken I talk to s o m e fans. ' T h e music has m e a n i n g and t h e y s h o w e d the m e a n i n g . ' 'I saw r e l i g i o n . ' 'I saw equality for all c o l o u r s . ' ' P e o p l e are materialist.' ' A n d I saw t h e m h a v i n g f u n . ' 'I think C h r i s is just the greatest. C h r i s is up there and he does nothing. He m i g h t n o t have a brain. He does nothing. It's so c o o l . ' 'I liked it w h e n he cracked a smile. B e c a u s e he's h a v i n g f u n , but he doesn't s h o w it.' O n e of the fans excitedly tells me that he t o o is in a group, called Natural S e l e c t i o n , and they have just g o t a r e c o r d deal. E v e r y o n e y o u talk to in A m e r i c a has just g o t a record deal, so I take little n o t i c e and n e v e r e x p e c t to hear the n a m e again. W i t h i n m o n t h s t h e y have a single, ' D o A n y t h i n g ' , near the t o p o f the A m e r i c a n charts. A n o t h e r fan talks to me t h e n excuses himself. 'I gotta g e t o u t of here. 1 d o n ' t d o basements v e r y l o n g . ' S o m e o n e is h a r a n g u i n g N e i l , telling h i m , 'I love A m e r i c a , b u t E u r o p e a n music is better.' ' A m c r i c a is obsessed by r o c k music,' N e i l observes. 'I hate r o c k music,' says the fan.

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i ' A m e r i c a is obsessed by r o c k music,' N e i l repeats, 'and the sixties, in the same w a y that Britain is obsessed by the royal family.' On the bus - o v e r n i g h t to C h i c a g o - N e i l starts playing his n e w cassette of R E M ' s

Out of Time.

' W h a t ' s this?' C h r i s asks suspiciously. ' R E M , ' says N e i l . ' B e c a u s e I k n o w y o u ' r e a fan.'

C h i c a g o T r i b u n e , 4 April,

'Subtle Differences':

'We put out complicated signals, confusing images, because we don't like the obvious thing, but I don't know if we'll ever be successful here for just those reasons,' Lowe says. 'That's why politicians talk in terms of sound bites, because you have to have one very quick idea that is instantly understandable to communicate most effectively in America. We're thinking of writing a song full of cliches and seeing how people react to that. Like "Hey, baby, I love you/everything's gonna be alright" and "We're going to find a higher ground if enough water passes under the bridge". But maybe that's too cynical - even for us.'

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Thursday, 4 April

'I love C h i c a g o , ' says N e i l . 'I absolutely love it. It's a serious city, w i t h skyscrapers and police cars . . . T h e y had the tallest building in the world for about three weeks, then the Toronto thing happened and that was t h a t . . . ' He has just talked to Rolling Stone after all. 'It was all about A x e l F,' he says. He curses, then says, w o r r i e d , 'I h o p e I said A x l R o s e and not A x e l F in the interview.' He does an interview w i t h Fox T V . He tells them the show is 'kind of like Cats meets Kraftwcrk'. T h e y ask w h y Behaviour was such a m e l l o w LP and he says, 'I hate the w o r d " m e l l o w " . . . more beautiful, really. I think we were quite into beauty.' T h e n they ask about disco and Disco and he launches into one of his pet theories: ' w e kind of adopted the w o r d as a kind of attitude, because we were told it was a dirty w o r d in the States, and to us it was an undervalued type of music. For instance, the B e e G e e s are highly regarded as songwriters in Britain, whereas here it was . . . w h i t e suits.' He's 011 a roll now, swallowing up the topics fast as they come. Integrity... ' W e have a lot of integrity. I think a lot of people have very little integrity . . . ' He rants about Pepsi sponsorship. ' W h e n y o u c o m e and see the Pet Shop Boys it's all content. We kind of take it seriously, but we also explore our o w n myth. A lot of music n o w is like music for commercials. Or it is music for commercials. It doesn't seem to be about anything, just references to the past . . . ' He rants about specious notions that rock music is m a k i n g a c o m e b a c k and about h o w the record industry adore rock music. 'I think music should sound now. Pop music has to carry the burden of the past; I think it should be about the present.' Diva c o l l a b o r a t i o n s . . . ' T h e only person I'd like to w o r k w i t h is N i n a Simone. She's a fabulous singer.' A n d so on. T h e interviewer suggests to N e i l that they are like the A n d r e w Lloyd W e b b e r of p o p music.

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I ' M o r e S t e p h e n S o n d h e i m , ' corrects N e i l . ' I d o n ' t really like A n d r e w L l o y d Webber. A n d r e w L l o y d W e b b e r i s k i n d o f like the M a r g a r e t T h a t c h e r o f p o p music.' C h r i s appears. It is his t u r n to be f e e l i n g ill ( D a i n t o n disappears to find h i m the inhaler), b u t he is enthusiastic. T h e y are in C h i c a g o . 'It's the best city in A m e r i c a - better than N e w Y o r k . It's N e w Y o r k w i t h o u t all the attitude.' 'I feel like this is the first real place,' says N e i l . ' L A w a s n ' t really real. T h e h o t e l is sort of E u r o p e a n . I love the m o m e n t w h e n breakfast arrives. I eat this revolting oatmeal every day. It's supposed to m a k e y o u lose w e i g h t . It certainly goes right t h r o u g h y o u . ' O n c e again t h e y talk a b o u t career doldrums. N e i l has just spoken to a f r i e n d i n E n g l a n d w h o told h i m that the head o f a m a j o r record c o m p a n y was talking a b o u t h o w he liked every single s o n g on Behaviour. It is s o m e t h i n g they have heard over and over again, far t o o m a n y times. 'I think I liked it,' he says, ' w h e n n o o n e liked o u r albums, they just b o u g h t t h e m . '

I n the d r e s s i n g - r o o m t h e y f i n d a n o t e f r o m a n E M I b i g w i g i n N e w Y o r k suggesting a d r i n k w h e n they g e t there, and a d d i n g enthusiastically that Streets . . . ' is a hit. ' H o w c o u l d h e possibly k n o w ? ' huffs C h r i s . 'It hasn't b e e n released yet.' I t reminds N e i l o f the m e e t i n g they had w i t h a m a n w h o w a n t e d t h e m t o provide a s o n g f o r the soundtrack of a film called Pretty Woman. ' H e said, " E v e r y w o m a n ' s fantasy is to go d o w n R o d e o D r i v e w i t h s o m e o n e else's credit c a r d . " ' At halftime t h e y drink tea. T h e r e is no tap in the dressing-room and no o n e can b e b o t h e r e d t o g o d o w n the corridor. ' W e have tea,' C h r i s points o u t w i t h pride, ' m a d e w i t h E v i a n water.' T h e v e n u e , t h e C h i c a g o T h e a t e r , is a small, ornate, classic theatre and - as I tell t h e m - in this setting the s h o w is better than ever; sort of magical. 'That's the greatest hits title,' exclaims C h r i s . 'The Magic of the Pet Shop Boys.' ' O h , I like that,' agrees N e i l .

T h e s h o w is a t r i u m p h and afterwards there is a certain e u p h o r i a . ' T h i s was not an easy t o w n , ' pontificates A r m a . ' T h i s was a hard t o w n . B u t C h i c a g o influences everywhere.' T h e r e is a discussion a b o u t w h e r e the audiences l o o k best.

• 49

l'et Shop Boys versus America

' V e r y u g l y t o n i g h t , ' says Pete. ' T h e y arc u g l y in the M i d w e s t , ' agrees A n n a , 'but they're cute in M i n neapolis. C o r n - f e d . ' A k n o c k at the door. T o n y James, previously of S i g u e Sigue Sputnik and G e n e r a t i o n X , and e x - p a r t n e r o f j a n e t Street-Porter, currently playing bass w i t h the Sisters o f M e r c y , enters w i t h their G e r m a n guitarist, Andreas. ' W h a t ' s it like?' C h r i s asks Tony, m e a n i n g t o u r i n g w i t h the Sisters of M e r c y . ' G r e a t , ' he says. 'A bit like b e i n g in a dreary rock b a n d . ' He c o m p l i m e n t s t h e m on their show. 'It must be c o s t i n g a f o r t u n e . ' ' W e ' r e losing a f o r t u n e , ' sighs C h r i s . T h e Sisters o f M e r c y are t o u r i n g A m e r i c a i n the o p p o s i t e direction, East t o West - g o i n g w h e r e w e ' v e b e e n , c o m i n g f r o m w h e r e w e ' r e g o i n g to. ' Y o u see so m a n y English p e o p l e t o u r i n g in A m e r i c a , ' remarks C h r i s . 'Usually ones that y o u hate,' agrees Tony, 'and y o u ' r e n i c e to t h e m . It's so Spinal Tap.' C h r i s leans towards Ivan. ' W e haven't g o t a g i g t o m o r r o w , have w e ? ' 'Yes,' sighs Ivan. ' W e ' r e on tour.' 'Is there a rneet'n'glimpse n o w ? ' asks Tony. N e i l nods. 'Shall we go and talk bullshit?' T h e r e are signatures all over t h e backstage walls from past inhabitants. Frank Sinatra has w r i t t e n ' H a v e a super time. I just did!' Pete writes '.Arsenal G o o n e r s ' . Dainton writes ' T h e Bear'. O n e fan in t h e rneet'n'glimpse is on crutches. 'I g o t bit by a shark,' he says apologetically. 'I was surfing.' He asks N e i l f o r an autograph. ' T h a n k s a lot,' he says. ' W a t c h o u t for the sharks n e x t time,' says N e i l . T h e hotel bar: S o m e fans f i n d N e i l and C h r i s . ' W h y is the Introspective a l b u m called Introspective?' asks o n e . ' B e c a u s e we t h o u g h t all the songs s o u n d e d introspective,' N e i l politely replies. A G e r m a n radio i n t e r v i e w e r has b e e n sent over by the G e r m a n p r o m o t e r against the P e t S h o p B o y s ' instructions. All day they have b e e n refusing to have a n y t h i n g t o d o w i t h h i m o n principle, but finally they have b e e n g r o u n d d o w n . A r m a leads t h e m into a q u i e t r o o m . 'It's T2.25,' A r m a tells the interviewer. ' Y o u have fifteen minutes.'

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'Let's set o u r w a t c h e s , ' says C h r i s . For a w h i l e N e i l answers all the questions - they are all addressed to h i m a n y w a y - w h i l e C h r i s sits there, occasionally l o o k i n g at his w a t c h and g r i n n i n g at m e . A f t e r a b o u t ten minutes N e i l tells h i m to talk to C h r i s . He asks C h r i s h o w the songs c o m e together. ' T h e y ' r e G o d - g i v e n , ' C h r i s answers. T h e first idea is G o d - g i v e n , the G e r m a n suggests. 'It's n o t an idea,' says C h r i s , 'it's a talent.' It's a craft too, the G e r m a n suggests. 'It's n o t a craft,' scoffs C h r i s . 'If it was a craft you c o u l d do it.' T h e G e r m a n changes tack, i s the t o u r f u n o r distressing? 'I t h o u g h t y o u said cross-dressing f o r a m o m e n t , ' says C h r i s . 'It's fun. It's f u n d o i n g i n t e r v i e w s at quarter to o n e . ' T h e G e r m a n doesn't f l i n c h . H e asks C h r i s t o say into the m i c r o p h o n e 'It's g o n n a be all r i g h t . ' ' N o , ' says C h r i s . 'Please, please,' begs the G e r m a n . ' N o , ' g r u n t s C h r i s . ' I d o n ' t p e r f o r m t o order.' T h e y head o u t to a nightclub called Shelter. B e c a u s e they are the Pet S h o p B o y s , the p e o p l e at t h e club m a r c h us into the r o o m w h e r e p e o p l e sit and simply order a n o t h e r set of p e o p l e o u t of dieir seats so that we m a y sit d o w n . ' O h n o , ' says C h r i s , c o m p l e t e l y h o r r i f i e d , 'the shame.' W h e n s o m e o n e s u b s e q u e n d y says, 'Pet S h o p B o y s ? Y o u can suck my ass', their hostility seems almost justified. O n e of the g r o u p M i n i s t r y c o m e s to say hello — the club is his cousin's. W e v e r y q u i c k l y t i r e o f sitting d o w n anyway. I t i s nearly d a w n w h e n w e leave.

C h i c a g o T r i b u n e , 5 April,

'Pet Shop Boys' other-world concert engulfs fans':

As prostitutes, pimps, perverts, ghouls, angel-winged hit men, schoolboys in knickers, blue-suited pigs and ballet dancers fluttered around them, Tennant and Lowe remained hilariously deadpan while the audience laughed and danced. Not all the jokes worked however.

'It's a Sin' burned out on sexual overkill and the shopping-cart-world-run-amok

in 'Suburbia' was more than a little obvious.

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

D e t r o i t Free Press, 5 April, 'Sound Effects - Pet Shop Boys tour in operatic grandeur': Most pop bands planning their first-ever tour of North America, the most lucrative music market of all, would not hire a director and set designer whose opera productions are regularly booed in their native Britain ... they did an opera by Tchaikovsky,

'In terms of opera they're pretty extreme -

"Mazeppa", set in a kind of meat-packing factory,

with all the chorus dressed in white hats and overalls, chopping up meat. And the Queen Mother was there!' ... 'I don't w a n t to be booed,' Tennant, 56, says. 'It would be kind of interesting to be booed, but I don't know whether I have the strength of character to put up with it, really.' ... 'I think we have a real absence of image in America ... We don't live our lives in public; we've never felt very comfortable with all of that' .. . with some amusement, Tennant notes that the duo's music was at least taken seriously by Ian Balfour, a professor at Toronto's York University, who recently presented a respectful lecture entitled 'Revolutions per Minute: The Pet Shop Boys Forever' on the Ivy League grounds of Cornell

University.

M e t r o T i m e s , Detroit, 3 April, Neil Tennant,

'The Perfect Dance Groove':

the other half of the duo, says

'...

I think to an American there's

something rather creepy about us. We can't be a part of the notion "life's a party". .. '

153

Ill 1 1 Ш -

"•

Friday, 5 April

In the lobby: N e i l conveys an urgent message to Chris: 'Have y o u talked to Jill? Y o u ' v e g o t to. T h e r e ' s a man w h o wants to paint your front d o o r and doesn't k n o w w h a t colour to paint it.' On the bus to Detroit: Katie has been asking them to watch a video of her p o p d u o P u c k . 'I hope it's g o o d , ' says Chris as Ivan puts it on. It ends. 'Well . . . ' says Chris and changes the subject. 'Guess what Andreas said to me last night: " W h y don't y o u do ' B e i n g B o r i n g ' ? " ' N e i l puts 011 a cassette of Shostakovich's Piano C o n c e r t o no. I. 'Have y o u tried one of these apples?' says Pennie, brandishing three-quarters of one taken from the bus's fruit b o w l . ' T h e y ' r e peculiar.' 'But they're a very nice colour,' N e i l points out. ' W i t h apples, that's w h a t matters.' We stop at a truckstop, the Wolverine T r u c k plaza, for a break and a snack. 'Have y o u read this w r i t e - u p ? ' s o m e o n e asks N e i l , holding up a newspaper. 'I can't w o r k o u t w h e t h e r it's g o o d or bad.' 'It's a classic " u s " write-up,' sighs Neil. ' T h e y don't like liking us.' We reach Detroit. We aren't even stopping here for the night - after the concert we drive overnight to Washington. 'We're gypsies,' N e i l tells Pete. 'This is life on the road.' We pull into the Detroit Clubland carpark. Frankie Valli is playing in a theatre fifty yards d o w n the road. ' H o w is y o u r cold?' N e i l asks C h r i s . 'It w e n t last night.' 'It w e n t in disco frenzy,' nods N e i l , satisfied. 'I've always maintained that drinking lots of alcohol is g o o d for colds.' Backstage there is a fax from o n e of the fans from M o b i l e w h o m they had

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spoken to after the N e w O r l e a n s show. It is a lengthy, intense letter. By the end of the first paragraph he is already saying, ' y o u d o n ' t j u s t w a n t to send w h a t e v e r trivial thoughts c o m e to m i n d to the person y o u admire and l o o k up to in life. Y o u have b e e n that person for me f o r almost six years . . . It is i m p o r t a n t f o r y o u t o understand h o w v e r y seriously s o m e o f u s take y o u , h o w m u c h y o u m e a n t o us.' He tells the w h o l e story - h o w he had read in Star Hits that o n e of its editors (Neil) was t o make a record, h o w h e saw the 'West E n d Girls' v i d e o o n M T V and m a n a g e d to b u y the single w h i l e visiting grandparents in M e m p h i s . ' F r o m that m o m e n t I was a Pet S h o p B o y s slave, a captivity I have yet to escape.' In 1988 he lost all his Pet S h o p B o y s m e m o r a b i l i a (except his records, w h i c h he was s h o w i n g t o a cousin) w h e n his parents' h o m e b u r n t d o w n . H e listened o n . ' N o o n e s o far away had ever c o m e s o close t o h o m e . ' H e w e n t t o college. 'Is there success in a person w h o eats, sleeps and breathes and f o l l o w s a band all his life?' he muses. He drove to N e w O r l e a n s in his brother's car, and was in the twenty-sixth row. ' T o be in the same theater w i t h y o u w o u l d have b e e n all we n e e d e d t o b e happy . . . m y m e m o r y t o o k p e r m a n e n t p h o t o g r a p h s . . . T h e r e i n front o f m e was the m a n w h o stands i n the shoes I w a n t t o wear, the m a n w h o feels the same e m o t i o n s , the o n e so m u c h like me o n l y different.' In c o l l e g e he is studying j o u r n a l i s m and history. N e i l studied history and b e c a m e a journalist. '1 w a n t to be like y o u , ' he writes. ' Y o u ' r e the friend that n e v e r goes away, the o n e faithfully there u n d e r every circumstance.' T h e r e are five closely t y p e d pages, increasingly full of worship, c o n c l u d i n g , ' I f y o u have a little t i m e f o r m e , I'd love to hear from y o u s o m e t i m e . It w o u l d m a k e me happier than 1 am n o w , although s u c h happiness i s b e y o n d the limits o f m y c o m p r e h e n s i o n . . . ' N e i l l o o k s a t the letter. H e d o e s n ' t l o o k happy. I go f o r a w a l k t h r o u g h a s h o p p i n g centre. It is shabby and r u n d o w n . A f t e r a f e w minutes I realize that e v e r y o n e I pass is staring at m e . T h e n I realize that 1 am the o n l y w h i t e person in the area. R i g h t l y or w r o n g l y , the message 1 n o w see in p e o p l e ' s eyes as they pass is: y o u s h o u l d n ' t be here. I scurry back to the venue, a little scared, and, because of that, a little ashamed. James, the local man f r o m E M I , i s t o chaperon the Pet S h o p B o y s t o s o m e radio stations. H e talks non-stop, n o t j u s t a b o u t h o w great the Pet S h o p B o y s (and Q u e e n s r y c h e ) are, but a b o u t his P i p e r C h e r o k e e plane and his days as v i c e president of a circus, rescuing escaped elephants in the Everglades. He says things like 'as y o u k n o w , or probably k n o w , this c o u n t r y has b e e n g o i n g t h r o u g h a r e c e s s i o n . . . ' He tells us 'this is a v e r y scary city. It is n u m b e r t w o for murder.

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I t was n u m b e r o n e f o r ten years, b u t n o w that's Washington D C , w h e r e y o u ' r e g o i n g . . . ' ( H e sounds a little sad a b o u t this d e m o t i o n of Detroit, w h i c h 1 suppose is understandable e n o u g h - if y o u ' r e g o i n g to have that m u c h m u r d e r y o u m i g h t as w e l l t o p the charts.) "Whereas m o s t o f the p e o p l e w e m e e t i n A m e r i c a take absolutely n o n o t i c e o f m y jottings, h e i s intrigued b y t h e m . ' Y o u can put i n the b o o k that m y n a m e is H u r r i c a n e , ' he tells m e , 'because it r h y m e s w i t h H e a t h f i e l d . ' We arrive at a radio station w h e r e they d o n ' t s e e m to be e x p e c t i n g us at all and w i t h o u t m u c h c e r e m o n y N e i l a n d C h r i s are taken into a back r o o m , asked to say s o m e I D s and then ushered out. N o i n t e r v i e w a t all. O u t s i d e the car w i n d o w N e i l stares at the road sign PED XINO. 'It sounds like a C h i n e s e student leader,' he says. On the w a y b a c k we drive up to the river, and get out. T h e o t h e r bank is C a n a d a . W h e n C h r i s tries to get back into the c o n c e r t hall f r o m the parking l o t a w o m a n bars his way. 'I can't let y o u in w i t h o u t a pass.' ' C a n c e l t h e s h o w ! ' he shouts, and turns away. U n f o r t u n a t e l y the situation is q u i c k l y cleared up. 'I love traumas,' he says, sulking a little at the q u i c k resolution. 'I d o n ' t like it b e i n g sorted. I like it to drag on a bit.' Ivan tells t h e m that the E M I m a n has planned a dinner afterwards. G r e e k . ' N o plate t h r o w i n g , ' snaps C h r i s . ' W e d o n ' t w a n t t o b e serenaded b y s o m e guitarist waiter.' 'I t h i n k w e ' r e on to a loser here,' says C h r i s at halftime. 'I can feel the vibe. T h e y ' r e disappointed.' A f t e r w a r d s the m o o d is low. E v e r y o n e wants to get away, but there are i m p o r t a n t record industry p e o p l e w h o w a n t t o shake Pet S h o p B o y s f l e s h . ' W e ' l l have a little m e e t ' n ' g r e e t , ' N e i l agrees reluctantly. 'Ten minutes. Ten people.' ' O n e m i n u t e each,' says C h r i s . James rushes in. 'I l o v e d it. I c r i e d at the e n d . ' He is f o l l o w e d by a m a n f r o m o n e of A m e r i c a ' s biggest retail chains, C a m e l o t . 'I c r i e d all the w a y t h r o u g h . Tears d o w n my face. W e ' r e the third-largest b u y e r in the U n i t e d States and w e ' r e behind you.' ' W e l l , ' says N e i l , 'in that case have a glass of c h a m p a g n e . ' It is n o w that James tells t h e m that d u r i n g this G r e e k dinner we w i l l be j o i n e d b y ' a f e w friends'. T h e y agree. ' B u t , ' warns C h r i s , ' w e d o n ' t w a n t t o talk a b o u t h o w w e g o t o u r name. O r the tour.'

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As it turns out, we can't even g e t near the G r e e k restaurant for a w h i l e . T h e c o a c h is b l o c k e d in. C h r i s is livid. 'It's such a c o c k - u p . ' ' T h e o n l y night o f the tour w e plan a q u i c k getaway,' sighs N e i l . We finally reach the restaurant w h e r e James greets us and says, w i t h o u t a trace of irony, 'I like to go w i t h the specials, because w e ' r e in a G r e e k restaurant; and w h e n i n R o m e , d o a s the R o m a n s d o . ' T h e r e are i n d e e d 'a f e w friends' here, t h o u g h they appear to be the sort of 'friends' w h o have w o n a M e e t the Pet S h o p B o y s c o m p e t i t i o n . O n e o f t h e m i m m e d i a t e l y asks C h r i s , w h o is n o w in a fury, a b o u t the tour: 'Is it different every night?' He doesn't even l o o k up to answer. 'It's e x a c d y the same every n i g h t . ' ' W e l l , ' sighs N e i l , c l a m b e r i n g on board the bus a w h i l e later, 'that was D e t r o i t . It was a f u n n y place.' In the night, s w e e p i n g d o w n the freeway towards W a s h i n g t o n , we pass a c o n v o y o f coaches. T h e i r driver talks t o o u r driver o n their C B radios and i s told these are s w i n g b e a t star K e i t h S w e a t ' s dancers. 'Tell h i m , ' instructs N e i l , ' o u r dancers are better than his dancers.'

C i t y Paper,

Washington, 3 April:

Their refusal to he taken-seriously pop stars combined with their pointedly unfashionable regard for Las Vegasy performahs is a paralyzing combination; no wonder their live career, until this jaunt, was limited to a 'world tour' that visited two cities, Hong Kong and London.

That means this could be a once-in-a-lifetime event (assuming Tennant and

Lowe don't decide they like being petformahs), and even if the show is as annoying as Erasure's, the Boys' is still the most mordant music ever to call itself 'disco'.

162

Saturday, 6 April

A day o f f in Washington: in the afternoon N e i l and 1 w a n d e r out to l o o k at the grounds around the W h i t e House and all the museums. We walk past a fair. 'I like merry-go-rounds,' he says. 'I've never really got over that they go up and d o w n and around at the same time. I also like those ones w i t h chairs that swing out. That's about as exciting as I get.' We have a h o t dog, visit the art gallery. A man, wandering past, sings 'I've got the brains — y o u ' v e got the looks.' T h a t night about ten people dine at a smart restaurant called D o m e n i q u e ' s . T h e y spill sauce all over Neil's jacket and Dainton hilariously recounts having caught our coach driver masturbating in the middle of the night as he drove along. 'We'll have to change drivers,' says Pete. 'I w o n ' t be able to l o o k at h i m w i t h o u t laughing.' 'I've always thought y o u ' d have to be pretty kinky to be a truck driver,' says Chris. 'It's a kinky job. Y o u sit alone all day, y o u pick up hitchhikers, y o u stop at truckstops, y o u sleep in y o u r truck all day with other trucks all round.' ' Y o u could get a contract for y o u r summer holiday,' suggests Neil. We discuss gossiping and Neil explains his principle of secrecy to Isabelle, one of the wardrobe people. 'Isabelle, w h a t y o u ' v e got to do is only tell one person. T h e n y o u ' v e hardly told anybody, and everyone gets to k n o w about i t . . . '

63

Sunday, 7 April

On Sunday we convene at Washington's B e n d e r Arena, in R o o m С т о , the W o m e n ' s C l u b R o o m — tonight the Pet Shop Boys' dressing-room. We are on the campus of the American University. ' T h e r e is no alcohol allowed,' says N e i l , 'but w e ' r e g o i n g to smuggle some in.' 'Break every rule,' says Arma. 'As T i n a Turner said so rightly,' says Neil. 'This is probably the most expensive private university in the country,' A r m a tells us. 'Fifteen thousand dollars a year.' ' I ' m not saying they have a building named after Khashoggi . . . ' says N e i l , because they have. ' W h a t university do y o u go to if you're rich and stupid?' ' A n d no g o o d at sport,' chips in Chris. ' A n d ugly,' adds N e i l . 'Miami,' says Arma. 'You can major in water-skiing.' A r m a has some other news. He tells them, w i t h considerable glee, that they have the fifth best-selling import single in America. ' W h a t are the other four?' asks N e i l in rather a surly, uninterested voice. So A r m a instead talks about t w o of his other charges, Wilson Phillips and Cathy Dennis. '1 was thinking of putting C a t h y D e n n i s in die group,' he says, 'and calling them Dennis Wilson.' It is hot. Chris wants die air-conditioning put on. Apparendy there are seasonal rules as to w h e n the university air-conditioning can be put on, and early April docs n o t qualify. T h e request is refused. Just before they are due to take the stage C h r i s announces that he will cancel die second half of the show if the air-conditioning isn't put on. T h e air-conditioning is switched on. It is one of the tour's finest shows. Afterwards N e i l , beaming, declares, ' A r m a , this is just the start. In years to c o m e you'll l o o k back and say, " T h a t was dieir simple tour . . . only four t r u c k s . " ' Chris, nevertheless, has found something to irk him. A Pet Shop Boys

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p h o t o d o n e by f a m o u s H o l l y w o o d portrait p h o t o g r a p h e r G e o r g e Hurrell - a p h o t o w h i c h he no l o n g e r likes - has b e e n printed in a local newspaper. ' A r m a , ' h e says, 'can y o u tell E M I t o stop using this p h o t o ? ' 'It was approved,' A r m a points out. ' A n d n o w , ' says C h r i s , 'it's disapproved.' 'I saw y o u t h r o w y o u r guitar p i c k into die audience,' A r m a tells N e i l . 'I know,' says N e i l , f e i g n i n g shame. ' T h a t ' s so r o c k ' n ' r o l l , ' tuts A n n a , w h o is g e t t i n g g o o d at p i c k i n g up s o m e o f t h e c o r r e c t Pet S h o p B o y s attitudes. ' Y o u didn't, did y o u ? ' asks C h r i s , h o r r i f i e d . 'I did,' c o n c e d e s N e i l , 'but I've s u c h a pathetic t h r o w it didn't reach the audience.' T h e meet'n'greet: A fan b o u n d s excitedly up to N e i l . He has a question. 'Have y o u met Whitney?' ' N o , ' says N e i l , a litde p e r p l e x e d , ' w e haven't.' K a t i e P u c k r i k introduces her parents w h o live here. D a d - 'plays a c c o r d i o n and yodels' - is s o m e t h i n g i m p o r t a n t in the C I A . Katie lived in M o s c o w f o r a w h i l e w h e n she was g r o w i n g up. ' S h e ' s great,' says N e i l a b o u t K a t i e to h e r father. ' S h e g o t i t f r o m her m o t h e r , ' says M r P u c k r i k . A n o t h e r fan begs an a u t o g r a p h f r o m N e i l and t h e n says, still r i g h t in front o f h i m , ' W h a t a trip! I've m e t the d u d e f r o m the Pet S h o p Boys! M y life's complete!' Afterwards N e i l says, 'I like A m e r i c a . I t h o u g h t w h e n we did this f o u r w e e k trip I'd be fed up w i t h it, but I l o v e it. Of course, I like b e i n g liked.' B a c k at the hotel, b e f o r e a l o n g evening's n i g h t c l u b b i n g , we have a drink at the bar. N e i l orders a caviar omelette. ' Y o u k n o w m e , ' he says. ' W h e n it's all over I ' m t a k i n g u p R u s s i a n Studies. O n e o f m y o t h e r c h i l d h o o d fantasies, apart f r o m b e i n g the P o p e , was t o b e the T s a r o f R u s s i a . ' S o m e o n e talks a b o u t n i c k n a m e s a n d w e try t o t h i n k o f o n e for Ivan. 'I can't g i v e Ivan a n i c k n a m e , ' says N e i l . ' T o me he's just Ivan. Ivan the Nazi.' A w o m a n from the hotel starts talking a b o u t her f a v o u r i t e Pet S h o p B o y s song, 'West E n d B o y s ' .

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' W h e n " W e s t E n d G i r l s " was n u m b e r o n e i n A m e r i c a , ' N e i l reflects, ' e v e r y o n e was amazed, because w e ' d b e e n told y o u c o u l d n ' t s u c c e e d i n A m e r i c a if y o u s o u n d e d British.' S o o n he is talking about C h r i s ' s unhappiness at the loss the tour will m a k e . ' H e doesn't like it. It's like h a v i n g a leak s o m e w h e r e . ' ' E v e r y p r o m o t e r has said "let's b r i n g t h e m b a c k " , ' e n c o u r a g e s A r m a . ' T h i s is d i e biggest t h i n g that's h a p p e n e d in A m e r i c a in r o c k ' n ' r o l l . '

169

ШШ

Monday, 8 April

A n n a ' s plan has always been that, o n c e this m o n t h - l o n g tour has proved itself a success, the Pet S h o p Boys w o u l d return in the summer to play the sheds. On the bus j o u r n e y to N e w York he runs through the finances. R i g h t n o w the show costs $220,000 every w e e k to keep on the road. Assuming that w o u l d rise to $250,000 w h e n they returned, if they can get five shows a w e e k w i t h guarantees from promoters of $50,000 - and he says they can - then the percentage earnings on top of that w h e n concerts are well attended, and the m o n e y from merchandising, w o u l d all be profit. N e i l and Chris listen but they don't say m u c h . 'АД those truckers,' says Chris, glancing out the window, 'look like mass murderers.' Ivan takes t h e m through various items of N e w Y o r k business. T h e y approve (and, in certain cases, disapprove) the party guest list. He warns them that at R a d i o C i t y Music Hall they must do everything on time — 'it's a u n i o n mafia tiling' - and tells them that the E M I executives want a p h o t o taken w i t h the t w o o f them. ' N o , ' says N e d . ' N o , ' says Chris. O n e of the guest list names (approved) is Shep Pettibone, a man w h o remixed several of their singles w h e n he was a barely k n o w n underground dance music engineer, but w h o recently c o - w r o t e and produced 'Vogue' with Madonna. 'He's obsessed with the idea that we should do another "West E n d Girls",' says N e i l . 'So is everyone,' grumbles Chris. 'I've got an idea for a "West E n d Girls" type song,' says Neil. 'It's called "DJ Culture".' Chris turns to Pennie. 'Pennie,' he complains, 'is s m o k i n g on our nosmoking coach. T h e o n e thing I can't stand is the smell of smoking with fruit on coaches.' T h e bus draws up near, but not in front of, the R o y a l t o n Hotel. 'I don't k n o w

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I

w h a t w e ' r e d o i n g , ' says C h r i s , 'letting these t w o - b o b dancers stay in a h o t e l like this.' T r e v o r stands in the lobby, p e r p l e x e d . 'A v e r y bizarre person designed this,' he says. ' H e ' s on a learning process, isn't he?' says C h r i s , rather sweedy. ' T h e a m o u n t of a c c u m u l a t i o n g o i n g o n , it's like s e n d i n g a satellite into space. H e ' s such a star.' Pause. ' H e can't sing, t h o u g h , can he?' ' H e wants to have singing lessons,' says N e i l . ' H e ' s already talked to me about it.' N e i l is g i v e n a thick w a d of paper w h i c h has b e e n faxed to Y o n at Susan B l o n d ' s office. It is t h e lecture by the T o r o n t o academic Ian B a l f o u r called ' R e v o l u t i o n s per M i n u t e or T h e Pet S h o p B o y s Forever'. He sends w i t h it a c o v e r i n g n o t e . 'I h o p e y o u w o n ' t f i n d m y piece o n y o u r w o r k t o o academic o r funereal - perhaps I should a p o l o g i z e for taking y o u t o o seriously. It m a y well c o m e across as pretentious in s o m e places - part of that is a deliberate strategy to level d i e differences b e t w e e n die w a y s p e o p l e talk a b o u t high and p o p culture respectively.' It begins 'the ideal Pet S h o p B o y s s o n g lasts forever', a n o t i o n w h i c h he chooses to illustrate w i t h extensive q u o t a t i o n f r o m , and discussion o f , 'It's A l r i g h t ' . He g o e s on to discuss their 'pervasive p r e o c c u p a t i o n w i t h infinity'; tliis 'infinitizing' he sees as characteristic of several strands of p o p music since the sixties. He draws o u t ideas of structural infinity and syntactical o p e n - e n d e d n e s s so that he can s o o n refer to ' L o v e C o m e s Q u i c k l y ' as a s o n g w h e r e 'the g r a m m a r of infinity is t h e m a t i z e d in erotic terms'. A m i d the h e a d y intellectualism there are s o m e quite a w f u l puns (sometimes the posited structural similarity that allows the p u n is the point, sometimes not) so diat w h e n he discusses the line ' C h e Guevara and D e b u s s y to a disco b e a t ' it is no surprise that he c o m m e n t s that dieir 'vision of the revolution c o m e s w i t h strings attached'. His a r g u m e n t spirals around to the ' B e i n g B o r i n g ' v i d e o , a v i d e o of a s o n g w h i c h , he says, is their o n l y s o n g ' w h e r e o n e i s c o n f r o n t e d w i t h t h i n k i n g o f a n end'. A n d here h e welds his themes w i t h his final sentence: ' F o r the music goes on and on forever - it has to go on and on - because in the l o g i c of the Pet S h o p B o y s , silence equals death.'

We visit the party b u i l d i n g f o r an inspection. 'It's just no g o o d , ' says C h r i s immediately. He demands a s m o k e m a c h i n e and flower strobes. 'I m i g h t n o t e v e n c o m e , ' he says.

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K i k i M a s o n arrives, spraying kisses, and takes t h e m t h r o u g h the plans. Susan B l o n d c h e c k s t h r o u g h her guest list o f invited celebrities. A t o n e n a m e they sneer. 'I t h o u g h t he was f a m o u s , ' Susan apologizes. A f e w n a m e s later they p o u r scorn on a group. ' Y o u d o n ' t like t h e m either?' ' W e d o n ' t like anyone,' says C h r i s , 'so carry o n . ' K i k i says there will be a v i d e o screen — ' n o Pet S h o p B o y s , ' he sensibly assures t h e m . 'I think n o n e of it s h o u l d m a k e sense.' T h e y n o d approvingly. ' D o lasers cost a lot of m o n e y ? ' asks C h r i s . 'Lasers are hard to install,' d e m u r s K i k i . ' B c c a u s e , ' explains C h r i s , 'I can j u s t stand in lasers f o r hours a n d I ' m v e r y happy. T h e r e ' s o n e at B l a c k p o o l and 1 just stand in the m i d d l e f o r ages.' T h i s discussion has c h e e r e d h i m up. ' W e l l , ' he says, ' I ' m sorry, I ' m l o o k i n g f o r w a r d to the party.' 'I get n e r v o u s t h i n k i n g a b o u t it,' says N e i l . 'All those p e o p l e . ' ' Y o u just g e t o f f y o u r nut,' advises C h r i s . K i k i tells t h e m M a d o n n a m i g h t c o m e . Lady Miss K i e r has sent a postcard a p o l o g i z i n g . '1 c o u l d n ' t get Ivana T r u m p , ' K i k i confesses. ' I ' m sorry. S h e said, " I ' m d o i n g this t h i n g at the Plaza and it's the first tiling I've d o n e w i t h the D o n a l d since the divorce. It's g o i n g to be a z o o ! " ' ' W h y is she d o i n g it?' asks C h r i s . ' B e c a u s e they really push t h e Plaza,' K i k i explains. 'She's s u c h a g o o d businesswoman. S h e shakes e v e r y b o d y ' s hand and gets their life story. She must have read o n e of those b o o k s that say, " h o l d s o m e o n e ' s h a n d firmly and l o o k i n t o his eyes as if y o u care a b o u t t h e m . . .

N e w Yorker, S April, 'Jazz/pop/rock personal appearances': There is no band, and almost everything is on tape, computer-generated. But there will be lots of backup singers, beautiful dancing boys, more costume changes than at a Cher concert, and, at the center of it all, the man who has raised ennui to a Pop Art form, Neil Tennant. He and his button-pushing partner, Chris Lowe, construct electronic washes with catchy choruses . . . Post-modern madness, and never boring, this could be the silliest extravaganza New York has seen since the glory days of the Tubes.

174

k

Tuesday, 9 April

Ivan has warned everyone not even to speak to any of the staff at R a d i o C i t y Music Hall. O n e w r o n g m o v e and they'll cancel the show. N e i l is accosted by one and, o b e y i n g orders, he doesn't react, but once he's behind closed doors he fumes. ' T h e y ' r e all Nazis,' he says. ' T h e r e aren't any l e f t - w i n g unions in America - they're all bunches of Nazis. " W h o is y o u ? " he says. I'm the singer . . . ' He sighs. ' Y o u have to relax. I feel like taking on the w h o l e thing singlehanded.' N e i l is puzzled by the fact that Liza Minnelli hasn't been in touch. 'I think she thinks w e ' r e g o i n g to ask her to appear on-stage and she doesn't want to do it.' As it happens this has been considered. T h e y have been thinking it might be wonderful if, for ' R e n t ' , a figure stepped from the wings and, this time, it was not Sylvia but Liza. ' D i d we ask her?' asks Chris. ' N o , we didn't,' answers Neil. A r m a sweeps in. ' W e have,' he announces, 'got a big display in Sam G o o d y ' s . ' Sam G o o d y ' s is a big record shop just d o w n the street. ' W h o organized that?' asks N e i l . 'Surely not E M I ? ' 'I think they must have,' says A r m a . '1 can't take credit for that.' ' A r m a , ' scolds N e i l , ' w e should take credit for everything.' O n e of the o n g o i n g technical problems has been the failure to find a workable type of snow to pour d o w n on top of N e i l and Chris during ' M y O c t o b e r S y m p h o n y ' . (In rehearsals they used soap flakes that made the sloped area of the stage too slippery to walk on.) At today's soundcheck they learn that, for N e w Y o r k at least, there is snow: plastic snow. N e i l shows it to the dancers 'like dandruff,' he explains - then starts singing K o o l and the Gang's ' G e t D o w n On It'. He tells Trevor that there is a piano in his dressing-room 'so y o u can have the first singing lesson'. 'Is M a d o n n a coming?' Trevor asks Neil. 'Sadly not,' says Neil, ' t h o u g h there is a rumour that she is coming. Probably started by us.'

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N e i l leads T r e v o r upstairs. ' W h a t y o u ' v e g o t to do is sit d o w n on this stool, sit up like this so y o u r b a c k is straight, t h e n take a really b i g breath until y o u can feel i t i n y o u r b a c k . Y o u ' v e g o t t o b e relaxed. D o n ' t b e tense . . . y o u s h o u l d n ' t let

your

shoulders

go

up.

Sing

from

down

here,

not

up

there.

Go

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhlihhhh" T r e v o r laughs, and doesn't d o it, but after N e i l cajoles h i m s o m e m o r e h e does, at first v e r y w e a k l y and feebly. ' Y o u r muscles h e r e ' - N e i l points to his face - 'should be relaxed. I always get told o f f b y m y singing teacher.' N o w N e i l begins t a k i n g h i m u p the scale. 'Do C D E ' T h i s isn't g o i n g to g e t o u t , ' w o r r i e s Trevor, 'that I was d o i n g this, right?' O n the lesson goes. N e i l seems a g o o d teacher, b y turns e n c o u r a g i n g and u n f o r g i v i n g . H e stretches T r e v o r a t b o t h ends o f his v o i c e until T r e v o r mutters, ' T h e y m i g h t call the cops s o o n . ' C h r i s w a l k s in. 'I n e e d a c o u c h . I w a n t to lie d o w n . ' ' W e ' r e h a v i n g singing lessons in here,' says N e i l . Trevor's wish for secrecy is a little disingenuous. W h e n the w h o l e cast is c r o w d e d t o g e t h e r eating dinner he says l o u d l y to N e i l , ' Y o u didn't tell anybody, did y o u ? ' ' N o , ' replies N e i l , at equal v o l u m e , 'I didn't tell a n y o n e I've b e e n g i v i n g y o u singing lessons.' ' W e ' v e m a d e it,' sighs N e i l , s i n k i n g into the dressing-room sofa. ' W e ' v e sold o u t a t R a d i o C i t y M u s i c Hall. W e ' l l g o b a n k r u p t n o w . ' 'It'll all be over, just like that,' e c h o e s D a v i d A l d e n , t r y i n g to g e t into the spirit. '1 quite like the slow slide,' says N e i l . ' T h e worst ones are the desperate ones like O s c a r W i l d e : y o u go to prison for buggery, lose all y o u r m o n e y and y o u r children c h a n g e their names . . . f e w p e o p l e have b e e n so r u i n e d as O s c a r W i l d e . T h e y had a public a u c t i o n on T i t e Street of all these signed first editions, and w h e n he w e n t on trial he h a d three plays on in the West E n d and y o u c o u l d n ' t m e n t i o n his name. C o n s e q u e n t l y , he b e c a m e a legend, b u t it's hard to shock p e o p l e that badly.' D a v i d A l d e n ponders. ' I ' m n o t sure w h a t y o u c o u l d d o . ' N e i l smiles. ' I ' m sure C h r i s w i l l c o m e u p w i t h s o m e t h i n g . ' T h e conversation drifts on and N e i l begins to pontificate a little: ' T h e p r o b l e m a b o u t A m e r i c a is y o u g e t all these w o m e n , all these fabulous w o m e n

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like Barbra Streisand and Liza M i n n e l l i and Diana R o s s and then they do terrible films and bad records and ruin their careers. Of course the problem is, they should be allowed to have no control. T h e y should exist in a H o l l y w o o d star system. M a k e f o u r f i l m s a year: o n e w o u l d b e g o o d , o n e great and t w o shit . . . Barbra Streisand, o n e of the greatest B r o a d w a y stars ever, doesn't go near Broadway. T h a t ' s the trouble . . . and e v e r y c h o r e o g r a p h e r has died o f A I D S . A n d w h o d o y o u g e t t o w r i t e the songs? It's a dinosaur b r e e d . . . This, o f course, is w h a t I t h i n k will h a p p e n to M a d o n n a . She'll suddenly be like a b e a c h e d w h a l e . She w o n ' t b e g o o d e n o u g h and she'll w a n t control. M a y b e she'll just learn to a c t . . . S h e was g o o d in Dick 'Tracy, b u t she needs to play g l a m o u r or to play a prostitute, and there's a limit to h o w m a n y y o u can do . . . T h e president o f T o u c h s t o n e c a m e t o the s h o w i n L A . I t h o u g h t , w o w ! W e ' r e g o i n g t o get a three-picture deal at 10.30. We never heard a n y t h i n g . . . ' '1 can i m a g i n e this b e i n g a v e r y f u n n y audience,' w o r r i e s C h r i s . ' I ' m anticipating the worst reaction. It'll be a real k i n d of "impress u s " c r o w d . ' S o m e o n e c o m e s in w i t h a n e w k e y b o a r d for C h r i s — there is a p r o b l e m w i t h the usual one. He is utterly freaked out. ' O h no! I can't c o p e with that at the last m i n u t e ! I d o n ' t like tilings b e i n g c h a n g e d at the last m i n u t e . ' He tries it on. ' C a n y o u m a k e the strap a bit longer? I w a n t it real p u n k y . L i k e Hooky.' T w o pieces o f m o n e y i n f o r m a t i o n arrive simultaneously: A r m a ' s thrilled a n n o u n c e m e n t that tickets are b e i n g scalped outside f o r b e t w e e n $50 and $75, and R o b b i e ' s rather m o r e s o b e r i n g revelation that if t h e y o v e r r u n t o n i g h t it w i l l cost t h e m $1,800 to b u y u n i o n time up until IT.OO p . m . Liza M i n n e l l i does turn up after all, s w o o p i n g i n t o N e i l ' s d r e s s i n g - r o o m and telling N e i l a b o u t the British p r e m i e r e of her f o r t h c o m i n g f i l m Steppin' Out. ' W i l l y o u take m e ? ' she asks. ' O f course,' h e says. Liza has a f o r t h c o m i n g residency here. T h e t w o of t h e m swap tales a b o u t w h o is g o i n g to lose the m o s t m o n e y . S h e tells N e i l , 'I said I w a n t e d it to l o o k like the Pet S h o p B o y s and e v e r y o n e l o o k e d at m e . ' She describes h o w it does actually l o o k : ' T h e r e ' s a giant shoe ' A giant shoe?' N e i l echoes. ' T h a t ' s great.' T h e y talk a b o u t current musicals. ' D i d y o u see Miss SaigonV N e i l asks. ' E v e r y o n e says the helicopter is g o o d . '

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'I t o o k M i c h a e l Jackson to Les Miserables,' she answers. 'It w e n t d o w n and I t h o u g h t , is that if? W e ' r e sitting here w i t h all that security for that?' Liza wants N e i l to see s o m e of her show. 'I c o u l d do a r u n - t h r o u g h f o r y o u , ' she offers. 'It w o u l d have to be t o m o r r o w , b e f o r e three o ' c l o c k , ' he says. ' O K , ' she says. ' W h a t if I c o m e over a b o u t midday?' he says. ' A r e y o u d o i n g any songs f r o m the album?' ' I ' m d o i n g " L o s i n g M y M i n d " , ' she says. 'I think y o u should do " R e n t " , ' he says. 'I tried to,' she apologizes, ' b u t it's the pacing...' It turns o u t that she can't w a i t to share her show. '1 w a n t to s h o w y o u my o p e n i n g , ' she says and, here and n o w , she begins to act it out, and to sing the first song. T h e n she says, 'I've g o t to go and see C h r i s . ' '1 think he's asleep,' N e i l tells her. She pops h e r head into his dressing-room t h e n returns. ' H e is asleep,' she says, t h o u g h quite q u i c k l y he w a k e s up and appears. 'I hear y o u and S h c p and M a d o n n a w e n t n i g h t c l u b b i n g , ' he says. 'It wasn't n i g h t c l u b b i n g , ' she demurs. ' W e w e n t to this serious drag club w i t h Steven M e i s e l . Y o u w o u l d have w a l k e d out w h e n I did.' ' W h a t ' s M a d o n n a like?' asks N e i l . 'She's great,' answers Liza. ' S h e c o m e s f r o m Q u e e n s and she doesn't pretend she doesn't.' ' W h e r e ' s y o u r dog?' C h r i s asks. 'Lilly? I can't b r i n g Lilly into R a d i o City,' she says. S h e holds o u t her arms to emphasize h e r body. ' L o o k at m e ! I ' m so thin!' ' Y o u ' r e always thin,' says C h r i s . 'It's f r o m tap-dancing,' she says. She picks at the f o o d on the table. ' I ' m stealing y o u r M & M s . W h a t ' s the party g o i n g t o b e like?' 'Great,' says C h r i s . ' A r e we finally g o i n g to have a rave-up?' she asks. 'Yup,' replies C h r i s . ' A l l right,' she says. ' I ' m ready.' S h e lights up a M a r l b o r o . 'I think it's a shame y o u ' r e n o t d o i n g " R e n t " , ' says N e i l . 'I m i g h t still do it,' she says. ' C a n I s m o k e or will it drive y o u mad?' 'It's O K , ' says N e i l . He sighs contentedly. ' W e ' r e h a v i n g such a life. T h i s tour is such a circus.'

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' I ' m so glad y o u ' r e losing m o n e y , ' she smiles. 'I t h o u g h t I was the o n l y one.' ' W e ' r e losing it hand over fist,' says N e i l , 'and C h r i s is mean!' She sighs. ' I ' m so pleased to see y o u . I love y o u and I miss y o u . ' A l a n pops his head in the door. 'I've c o m e to n a g y o u - ten to fifteen minutes.' She picks up N e i l ' s lipstick and tries it o n , t h e n takes her leave. ' B y e ! O h , this is 50 e x c i t i n g ! ' M e a n w h i l e , w i t h five minutes left, C h r i s and A l a n argue a b o u t socks. C h r i s says the t w o he's b e e n g i v e n are n o t a pair; A l a n insists they are. 'Let's do the dangly test,' says C h r i s , and t r i u m p h a n t l y dangles t h e m so that their different lengths h a n g side by side. Alan finds s o m e m o r e . T h e d r e s s i n g - r o o m is h i g h above the stage. N e i l refuses to take the lift and instead walks d o w n the stairs. ' I ' m scared it will g e t stuck.' C h r i s takes the lift. ' I ' m h o p i n g it does.' Halftime: ' T h e y ' r e a dreary audience,' sighs C h r i s . ' A s p r e d i c t e d . ' 'It's n o t a disaster,' says N e i l . ' A l o t o f p e o p l e m i g h t n o t b e c o m i n g back after the f i f t e e n minutes,' retorts Chris. '1 did see s o m e o n e w a l k o u t in the fourth n u m b e r , ' says N e i l . ' A n d that was Liza,' sniggers C h r i s . D a v i d A l d e n c o m e s in. ' W e l l , ' sighs C h r i s , 'it's a difficult c r o w d . ' ' " S o p h i s t i c a t e d " is the w o r d , ' says D a v i d A l d e n . ' " W r y " , ' says C h r i s . T h e y g o t o separate dressing-rooms. W h e n C h r i s ' s w i g arrives h e says, ' N e i l ' s in his o w n r o o m - twice the size of m i n e . ' T h i s t i m e this is, as it happens, true. A r m a appears. ' N e w Y o r k is a t o u g h audience,' he says. ' T h e y ' r e t o u g h on anyone. T h e y ' r e t o u g h on Elton John.' 'So,' says N e i l , f a k i n g indifference,

' O K , N e w Y o r k doesn't like us.

S o m e o n e has n o t to like us.' Ivan appears. 'It's a t o u g h c r o w d , Ivan,' says N e i l . ' T h e y ' v e seen it all before.'

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'I hate stuffy audiences,' Ivan huffs. ' I f they d o n ' t stand up in " A l w a y s on M y M i n d " they can all flick o f f . ' N e i l sighs. 'Still, t h e y ' v e g o t the g o o d half now. It's n o t o v e r till it's over.' A n d b a c k t h e y go, N e i l by the stairs, C h r i s by lift. Afterwards: ' What a dreary c r o w d , ' says Pete. 'Just so y o u k n o w , this is n o t u n t y p i c a l for N e w Y o r k , ' insists A r m a . ' T h e y w e r e w a t c h i n g i t m o r e , ' considers N e i l . 'It t o o k o f f i n " O p p o r tunities" as usual.' He sighs. 'I b e t we get shit reviews. I bet Rolling Stone, t h e w h o l e gang, slag i t o f f ' ' W h o gives a shit?' says Ivan. ' W h o gives a f u c k ? ' He pauses a m o m e n t . 'Well, actually we all do. We care quite a l o t . . . ' Liza glides in and heads towards N e i l : ' H i , baby, it was fantastic!' ' W h a t a t o u g h c r o w d , ' says N e i l . ' T h e y w e r e startled,' interprets Liza. 'It was stunning. D i d y o u hear m e scream at y o u ? ' 'I have these h e a d p h o n e s , ' he apologizes, shaking his head. ' S o m e t i m e s it's like I ' m n o t there.' ' D i d y o u see the m a d g u y at the front?' she asks. ' H e was a real serial killer,' nods N e i l . 'I p o i n t e d at h i m , d u r i n g o n e of the p o i n t y bits.' ' H i , baby,' Liza c o o s at C h r i s . ' N i c e dancing.' She tries to imitate his steps. ' Y o u ' v e g o t t o d o i t i n y o u r underwear. T h e C a l v i n K l e i n . ' ' T h e ones I gave y o u ? ' she asks. ' N o , ' h e explains, 'it's the n e w ones w e ' r e all w e a r i n g . T h e y ' r e b e t w e e n underpants and b o x e r shorts.' Sal Licata enters. 'Sal, hi!' says N e i l . O u t s i d e the stage d o o r are a gaggle of fans. 'I t o u c h e d h i m ! ' o n e shouts. ' A w e s o m e , C h r i s ! ' shouts another. ' C h r i s , do y o u really shave y o u r legs?' asks a third. ' N o , ' he says. ' D o y o u k n o w Frank S i d e b o t t o m ? ' inquires a f o u r t h .

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' D o I?' w o n d e r s C h r i s , m o m e n t a r i l y taken aback. 'I d o n ' t t h i n k so.' T h e y each pile into a l i m o u s i n e . ' W e ' r e in separate cars,' h o o t s N e i l . 'It's so d e c a d e n t . It's like we d o n ' t speak.' N e i l is a little p e r p l e x e d by the w h o l e R a d i o C i t y M u s i c Hall e x p e r i e n c e , especially the e n t o u r a g e w h o c a m e backstage w i t h Liza. T h e p h o t o g r a p h e r Steven M e i s e l just stood there, w i t h o u t saying a single w o r d . 'I think it's a bit r u d e to c o m e backstage and n o t say anything. It's a real trendy w a y of b e h a v i n g . ' H e ' s also a litde paranoid a b o u t Liza's true o p i n i o n of w h a t she saw. 'Liza j u d g e s e v e r y t h i n g w i t h v e r y very professional criteria. I k i n d of felt that she wasn't really k n o c k e d o u t by it. It's sort of a pity, because I t h o u g h t it m i g h t do w e l l here, and it's sort of b e e n a bit disappointing. I felt v e r y unprofessional on that stage. I guess that's w h a t c o n c e r n s m e , that I w a s n ' t g o o d e n o u g h to be there . . . ' O n the w a y t o the party: 'Eartha K i t t w a t c h e d the w h o l e p e r f o r m a n c e i n sunglasses,' laughs N e i l , w h o seems b o t h o f f e n d e d and rather impressed by this. C h r i s predicts that they w o n ' t get into their o w n party. ' Y o u w i l l , ' Ivan insists. ' W e c o u l d n ' t take o n N e w Y o r k , ' sighs N e i l .

'Pet S h o p B o y s versus

A m e r i c a - we lost in the end. We w e r e d o i n g so well ' T h e party will b e crap,' predicts C h r i s . ' W e can e n j o y it or n o t , ' counsels N e i l . ' W e ' r e n o t a b o u t this k i n d of tiling.' 'It's so shameless, a r r i v i n g in a l i m o , ' says C h r i s . 'It's w h a t we all d o , ' says N e i l . We pull up outside. It's around 12.30. T h e paparazzi ask t h e m to pose. ' C a n w e d o a f e w shots?' N e i l asks C h r i s . ' N o , ' he says. N e i l l o o k s at h i m . ' I ' m n o t g o i n g to stop t h e m , ' C h r i s says. ' S o y o u ' r e saying yes,' says N e i l . We go in. ( N o metal detector, of course.) Upstairs - in the V I P area — it is m o r e crushed than downstairs. M i c h a e l M u s t o , a c o l u m n i s t f r o m Village Voice, asks t h e m f o r c o m m e n t s . Jean Paul G a u l t i e r tells t h e m , b e a m i n g , 'It's a real real real s h o w . . . each s o n g was strung on a real story. W h e n y o u w e r e angels in the b e d , i t was beautiful.' B r u c e W e b e r hands r o u n d gentle c o m p l i m e n t s . T h e n N e i l is i m p e r i o u s l y s u m m o n e d to m e e t Eartha K i t t , sitting in a corner. 'It was a litde noisy f o r m e , ' she tells h i m , 'but I f o u n d it fascinating. I'd like to c o m e and see it w h e n it's less noisy.'

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N e i l nods politely. 'I saw y o u in Follies three times,' he tells her. 'It was such a great p r o d u c t i o n , that.' Susan B l o n d keeps e n c o u r a g i n g t h e m to have their p h o t o taken. It is a v e r y N e w Y o r k idea - y o u spend all y o u r time a t y o u r o w n party h a v i n g y o u r p h o t o

taken and talk to n e w s p a p e r columnists so that y o u are seen to have had a great party. A j o u r n a l i s t approaches N e i l . ' A r e y o u . . . ? ' h e asks. ' I ' m o n e o f D e p e c h e M o d e , ' h e tells h i m . It is p a c k e d tight, and v e r y hot. ' M y shirt is literally soaked,' says N e i l . 'I c o u l d have b e e n u n d e r a shower. T h i s suit w i l l probably have to be destroyed.' He decides to leave. C h r i s stays, dancing t h r o u g h m o s t of the night. A small posse catches a cab to an all-night restaurant L o x a r o u n d the C l o c k . ' I ' v e c h a n g e d my m i n d , ' says N e i l . 'I've d e c i d e d it's a t r i u m p h . ' Patrick, a w r i t e r f r i e n d of N e i l , says he was sitting n e x t to Liza. ' S h e was singing the ones she k n o w s , ' he says. ' S h e was g e t t i n g really c x c i t e d . ' 'I t h o u g h t Eartha K i t t w o u l d be c o m p l e t e l y gone,' says N e i l , 'but she was c o m p l e t e l y there. She gave me her address and said, " L i z a says y o u w r i t e such interesting l y r i c s . " ' N e i l orders soup. ' A l l t h e y w a n t e d to do in the c l u b was to take drugs and have sex,' tuts another friend, Jon Savage, 'and all N e i l wants to do is eat vegetable soup.' 'Liza,' mutters N e i l , 'asked me a surprising question: h o w m a n y trucks do y o u have? I w o u l d n ' t have t h o u g h t she'd be involved in that.' ' D i d y o u n o t i c e , ' says J o n Savage, 'that on the b a c k of the backstage passes it said, "Say no to d r u g s " ? ' ' T h a t ' s terrible,' says N e i l . He is f i n d i n g a s e c o n d w i n d . 'I suppose it's t o o late,' h e says, 'to g o b a c k t o the party . . . '

T h e N e w Y o r k T i m e s , 11 April,

'Serious Spectacle From the Pet Shop Boys':

Madonna, David Bowie, Alice Cooper and Pink Floyd now have serious competition .. . Most of the Pet Shop Boys' songs are unassertive ditties set to unabashedly mechanical electro-pop, perking along with a light boom-chicka-boom ... Mr Tennant maintained an unfailing art-popster's deadpan on stage . . . From repressed schoolboys to masochistic lovers, from artists stranded by world events to pop stars sequestered by fame, the narrators of Pet Shop Boys songs don't share much human contact, much less kindness ... the

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i plaintive-sounding Mr Tennant and the silent Mr Lowe ... the performance showed that the Pet Shop Boys know all about artifice, yet they haven't forgotten that pop's formulas can crystallize genuine emotions.

N e w Y o r k D a i l y N e w s , 11 April,

'Pet Shop Boys: Mind Over Motion':

. . . enough gruesome props, freakish costumes and corrosive personas to suggest a version of 'Satyricon' as enacted by the entire Met Opera on Ecstasy . . . If you had to pick one word for this show - besides brilliant - it would be busy . .. since the stars are, by their own admission, about as charismatic as your tax accountant, it was practically a prerequisite to stress theatrics over musicianship . .. with so much visual information thrown at the audience - and in such an arch and chilly manner- it was impossible to respond viscerally. So why did it work so well? Well, the Pet Shop Boys' appeal has always been in making a compulsively uptight point of view thrillingly poignant . . . True, the show's distancing grandness may have only stressed their self-involvement, but it upped their radicalism .. . if the Pet Shop Boys didn't make us move our feet, they made our minds dance, sweeping us away with a refined kind of nerve-

New York N e w s d a y , 11 April,

'Gaudy Creatures in the Pet Shop':

The Pet Shop Boys' show at Radio City Music Hall Tuesday night had the horrible fascination of a 26-car turnpike pileup . .. That such tremendous money and care clearly went into this show seems a throwback to the Excessive Eighties. It's no surprise that one of the group's hits is called 'Opportunities (I-et's Make Lots of Money)'.

Tennant and

Lowe don't have much talent, but they imitate it well. The Pet Shop Boys are the musical equivalent of junk bonds . . . 'It's a Sin' is a blatant rewrite of Barry Manilow's 'Could It be Magic?' . .. The show begs for someone who can bring a sense of fun to the Pet Shop Boys' arid camp excesses ... It aspires to grand kitsch; it is a grand bore.

N e w York Post, 11 April,

'Call 'em Pet S l o p Boys':

In a stunning display of pretentiousness - so overdone, underbought and outrageous that it was hardly recognizable as a pop-music performance - the Pet Shop Boys made their New York debut. .. Tuesday's outing feebly attempted to bring life to the duo's songs . . . Call me picky, but I want to see who's making the music . . . the revolting opening English schoolboy number, which ended with simulated masturbation; a couple of racially obscene skits, with a black man being led around the stage on a chain leash attached to

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his spiked dog collar .. . After a show like this, Radio City Music Hall should install rnndows to air the place out .. . Tennant was strapped into an electric chair for a mock execution while fifth-wheel Lowe played a dog-boy caged on the opposite side of the stage. Too bad concert director David Alden wasn't strapped into ol' sparky for a jolt or two himself.. . The sad thing is the Pet Shop Boys are really serious about their 'art'.

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Wednesday, 10 April

I walk with N e i l up to R a d i o C i t y Music Hall in the m o r n i n g to watch Liza rehearse. She and her dancers are just about to stop w h e n we arrive, but she makes them stay and insists that they act out the w h o l e final number — the tapdance finale 'Steppin' O u t ' - just for our benefit. It is an amazing scene: Liza Minnelli dancing, singing and tap-dancing this show-stopper for an audience of two, sometimes just a yard in front of us. She reflects about the merits of their show. 'It was performance art. It all made no sense. People here are always l o o k i n g for a theme.' N e i l nods. 'It's not really possible to take a load of songs that weren't connected before and to string t h e m together into a story so that y o u go, " O h , the butler did i t . . .

"'

Liza also politely mutters that Katie should wear a G-string. ' Y o u can,' she says, 'see her pubes, and no one wants to see them.' Backstage. N e i l is on the p h o n e to an A m e r i c a n journalist friend D a v i d Keeps. 'Rolling Stone were nice. T h e y ' v e finally got over the fact that John L e n n o n died, though they still haven't realized that the R o l l i n g Stones are crap . . . T h a t D o o r s film: a) is it crap? or b) is it crap? Y o u just think Jim M o r r i s o n is a wanker and a third-rate talent. I w e n t to see it my first day in A m e r i c a to get in a bad m o o d about e v e r y t h i n g . . . ' 'We're shifting gears,' A r m a announces. 'I have thirty major promoters flying in and I have a dinner w i t h them afterwards.' He talks through the potential earnings if they return - n o w it's 'a hundred thousand dollars a night in tickets and forty to fifty thousand dollars in merchandise'. T h e promoters are keen. 'There's no D e p e c h e M o d e out there, no Erasure, so they think they can do the business . . . I don't want to categorize your fans, but these people have to go s o m e w h e r e . . . ' ' I ' m quite happy for y o u to categorize our fans,' says Neil. Chris is a little piqued by something Ivan told him, and something he has subsequently discovered.

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'Ivan did go o u t last n i g h t , ' he says. 'I d o n ' t like it w h e n p e o p l e lie. I ' m g o i n g t o have a w o r d w i t h h i m a b o u t i t . . . ' ' H e d o e s n ' t have to tell us e v e r y t h i n g he does,' N e i l objects. ' T h a t ' s w h a t y o u call a w h i t e lie.' 'Well, I d o n ' t like w h i t e lies,' g r u m p s C h r i s . A r m a p h o n e s up Jack Satter, w h o enthuses a b o u t last night's show. ' D i d Jack Satter c o m e last night?' mutters C h r i s suspiciously. 'I d i d n ' t see h i m there. I d o n ' t believe he w e n t . ' 'Jack,' says A r m a , d o w n the p h o n e , ' C h r i s w o u l d like t o thank y o u for s h o w i n g up last n i g h t . ' L y n n e relates s o m e t h i n g T r e v o r has said to her: ' T h i s hotel is weird. It's a C h r i s L o w e hotel, full o f satanic h o r n s e v e r y w h e r e . . . ' We take o u t a f e w of the cast, i n c l u d i n g T r e v o r and M a r k dressed as angels, to do s o m e p h o t o s on the N e w Y o r k streets. Trevor, in particular, is f e i g n i n g unhappiness w h i l e l o v i n g the attention, h a m m i n g it up w h i l e c l a i m i n g it to be o n e o f the m o s t embarrassing m o m e n t s o f his life. 'In N e w Y o r k , ' N e i l points o u t , ' n o o n e i s even g o i n g t o l o o k a t y o u , dressed as an angel.' By and large this turns o u t to be true. B a c k a t R a d i o C i t y they l o o k a t s o m e p h o t o s o f themselves. ' I d o n ' t think w e d o smiling v e r y w e l l , ' says C h r i s . ' W e just l o o k vers' s m a r m y and self-centred, as if we think w e ' r e marvellous. A n y w a y , smiling wasn't f o r c e d in the b e g i n n i n g , b u t it is now. I can't be b o t h e r e d w i t h it n o w . ' D a i n t o n a n n o u n c e s that the talc of the Tonight Show w a l k - o f f is in die Mirror and the Sun. ' T h e Sun says,' he relates, 'Pet S h o p Brat.' 'I must g e t s o m e "spoilt b r a t " T-shirts m a d e up,' says C h r i s . A r m a c o m e s in. ' I have three p r o m o t e r s - ' ' I d o n ' t w a n t t o m e e t t h e m , ' C h r i s interrupts. 'I'll a n n o u n c e y o u , say, " T h i s i s C h r i s L o w e , " ' suggests A r m a , 'and y o u d o n ' t e v e n have to speak. Y o u d o n ' t have to m a k e eye contact.' ' O K , ' h e consents. ' T h e y d o n ' t even want t o m e e t y o u anyway,' taunts Pete. ' T h e y w a n t t o m e e t N e i l . T h e y t h i n k y o u ' r e o n e o f the dancers; a sidekick.' ' T h a t ' s a n o t h e r T-shirt I should have made: " S i d e k i c k " . ' ' M u c h better than last n i g h t , ' sighs N e i l after tonight's show. ' T h e c r o w d was m o d e r a t e l y cheerfi.il.'

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l'et Shop Boys versus America

C h r i s shares his 'spoilt brat' idea. 'Spoilt Brat!' exclaims N e i l , thrilled. 'It's a g o o d title for a song. I ' m g o i n g to w r i t e it d o w n . W h a t y o u s h o u l d do is be shameless and m a k e a T-shirt and then send a p h o t o to the Sun: " I ' m u n r e p e n t a n t , " says C h r i s L o w e . . . ' A r m a p o p s in. ' T h e p r o m o t e r s have g o n e t o t h e restaurant, s o y o u d o n ' t have to do it.' ' G o o d , ' says C h r i s , 'it'd o n l y spoil it if they m e e t us.' ' G e t the m o n e y first,' agrees N e i l , 'before w e m e e t t h e m and say s o m e t h i n g w r o n g . ' H e thinks. ' T h e y like it?' 'Yes,' says Brad, their b o o k i n g agent. ' U p the m o n e y ! ' he exclaims, like a batdc cry. S o m e semi-celebrities trickle backstage: N o n a H e n d r y x , M i c k M u r p h y f r o m the System. ( ' A h , the System!' says N e i l . ) N o n a is, it turns out, also a f r i e n d of Dusty Springfield. ' W e all k n o w Dusty,' N e i l explains to A r m a . 'It's like a club.' T r e v o r sits in the foyer of the R o y a l t o n in a daze. As he o f t e n does he just b e g i n s to talk, and then free-associates on and on and on: ' T h i s h o t e l is like a bad dream. I had a dream like this o n c e . L i k e "It's a S i n " , there's h o r r o r e v e r y w h e r e . I d o n ' t w a n t subtle sexual m e t a p h o r s , I w a n t a g o o d night's sleep. It's like w a k i n g u p w i t h a n u g l y girl w i t h b a d breath l o o k i n g a t y o u . T h i s h o t e l just freaks m e o u t . T h e r e ' s a fireplace w i t h no fire, but a c h e q u e r e d flag in it. W h a t do y o u want a c h e q u e r e d flag for? Y o u w a n t a fire to k e e p y o u w a r m . It's like s o m e t h i n g o u t of Nightmare on Elm Street 5. L o o k at the lights! T h e y ' r e dark! Y o u w a n t a light so y o u can see, n o t so that it's pretty. T h i s c o u c h has no back; it's no g o o d f o r my b a c k , it's no g o o d for my n e c k , it's no g o o d for m e . C a n I get a witness? this h o t e l is freaked out. T h e y ' v e g o t these b i g pillars and y o u d o n ' t need t h e m . Y o u c o u l d w a l k into these pillars, it's so dark. T h e r e ' s w h i t e linen hospital b e d sheets on the chair. It's insulting, like y o u r butt's t o o dirty to sit d o w n . I feel institutionalized. It's like a mental hospital. T h e s e lifts are like b e i n g in a shower. H a v e y o u ever heard o f claustrophobia? T h e s e p e o p l e have s o m u c h attitude. T h e p e o p l e w h o w o r k here l o o k like o u t o f a k u n g f u f i l m . I've w a l k e d past the cashier a b o u t a h u n d r e d m i l l i o n times. It's like o n e of those public toilets y o u pay to get in. T h e w h o l e r o o m is so sharp. It's full of right angles. N o t h i n g is c u r v e d . N o t h i n g is classic. L o o k at the fish - they l o o k b o r e d . B o r e d o u t of their minds. T h e r e ' s o n l y o n e fish in each, n o t a m u m m y fish and daddy fish. T h a t ' s p e r s e c u t i o n . T h e y p u t f i s h i n different b o w l s s o they c a n l o o k a t each o t h e r and

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11

n o t g e t it o n . It's like w i n d o w - s h o p p i n g w i t h o u t any m o n e y . A male fish is saying, " Y o u l o o k fine, but I can't j u m p over to y o u " , so they curl up and die. Fish n e e d love too. Just like divas. T h e c o r r i d o r is like a maze. L i k e H a m p t o n C o u r t but worse. It's like m i c e and cheese. It's like the Bible: R e v e l a t i o n s 12,

verse 9. T h e place l o o k s like a bank. W h y is it fifteen dollars for o n e c h e e s e b u r g e r w i t h chips that w e r e n ' t e v e n chips? It's the horns. T h e w h o l e place is just freaked out. Y o u can't relax. It's a n A l f r e d H i t c h c o c k hotel. W h y have the h o r n s g o t hghts on t h e m ? Please. L o o k at the plants. T h e y l o o k decrepit and f o r l o r n

Village V o i c e , Neu> York, 15 April,

'Where The Boys Are':

... the closest pop has come to surrealist stagecraft since Jean-Paul Goude concocted Grace Jones's radically theatrical One Man Shows .. . Both Boys affect the glazed deadpan of runway models; no matter what happens (they're stuck in those cages, pawed over, kicked about, taunted, and electroshocked), they're blase as shit ... It was all brilliantly overthe-top,flamboyantly theatrical, and casually, matter-of-factly gay ... By way of declaring the trad rock show dead, the Pet Shop Boys have found a way to bring it back to extravagant life. V i l l a g e V o i c e , New York, 15 April,

'La Dolce Musto':

By the 30th mock blowjob, a procession of pigs wth valises did a conga ... At their Building party .. . blase Pet Shop Boy Neil Tennant murmured,

'They promised us an

area where we could hang out with 10 people,' as he was swarmed by glittering sociopaths.

193

Thursday, n April

On the train to Boston they survey M a r k Farrow's artwork roughs for the sleeve of their n e w video compilation, Promotion. T h e y don't like them. ' H e ' s really b o o b e d this time,' says Chris. 'He's tried to make us l o o k like die Farm. I d o n ' t k n o w w h a t the hell he's playing at.' 'All he has to do is change the typography,' says N e i l . ' B u t that was all he had to do in the first place,' complains Chris. 'Even the one that's OK is crap.' N e i l takes out his Portable Dorothy Parker And the conversation is left behind. T h e artwork roughs are tucked into the luggage rack w h e r e , accidentally, they t o o will be left behind. '1 don't k n o w w h y wc didn't fly,' C h r i s says after about an hour of rolling suburbia. ' W e don't fly,' N e i l reminds him, 'because you don't like it.' T h e y discuss the possibility of the tour returning here. 'I think there's all dicse people w h o ' v e been waiting to see us sincc "West E n d Girls" and n o w they'll just tick us o f f their list,' says Chris. ' A r m a , of course, k n o w s in his heart of hearts he'll never get us back after this,' says Neil. Ivan sits across the way, asleep, and we can hear Introspective leaking from his headphones. ' O u r music just goes on and 011, doesn't it?' says Chris. He listens some more. ' T h e yocals are very loud, aren't they?' ' T h e deadpan vocals?' says Neil. ' T h e ironic detachment? T h e plaintive vocabulary? W h a t amuses me about the reviews is that diey think we could do something else if we wanted to, that w e ' v e made a deliberate decision . . . ' 'I don't think diat after this tour we should play any of our old songs ever again,' says Chris. ' M a y b e a farewell tour,' says Neil. 'This is it,' says Chris. He tells us about his 'really g o o d dream' last night. 'I was in Dr Who and the drawings on the carpets were satanic messages. It had chases and everything.'

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' S o , ' sighs N e i l , ' M a d o n n a ' s s n u b b e d us. T h o u g h , ' he says, p e r k i n g up, 'she m i g h t c o m e t o Paris.' W h o said that? I ask. 'I just m a d e it up,' he says. He l o o k s at the countryside. 'I'd like a five-day break in the country, s w i m m i n g , a roaring fire for those chilly evenings, intelligent conversation, a little light j o g g i n g , a fine French c h e f and t h e occasional m u r d e r for A n g e l a Lansbury to solve T h e y swap party chat. ' B r u c c W e b e r , ' says N e i l , ' t h o u g h t the s h o w was " g o r g e o u s " . ' ' T h a t ' s a v e r y h i m w o r d , ' says C h r i s .

We arrive in B o s t o n and head for a radio station, Kiss 108. ' A n o t h e r tour, another radio station,' says N e i l . ' A n o t h e r P o w e r C H R station,' says C h r i s . ' . . . that's n o t playing o u r records,' says N e i l . Jack Satter is here to m e e t us. ' H e y ! H o w ya d o i n ' ! ' He greets Pennie. ' Y o u w e r e in the s h o w ! ' ' N o , ' she says. 'Oh.' At the reception Jack Satter has a w h i s p e r e d a r g u m e n t . T h e o n l y s e n t e n c e 1 hear is 'I think someone k n o w s t h e y w e r e c o m i n g . ' T h e D J , w h e n h e appears, i s callcd D a l e G o r m a n . ' A r e y o u d o i n g radio interv i e w s in e v e r y t o w n ? ' he asks. ' T h e y ' r e t o u g h . 1 d o n ' t do g o o d i n t e r v i e w s at all.' ' W e ' l l be the j u d g e of that,' says N e i l . He asks a b o u t the show. ' W h y pigs?' he says, then adds, '1 m e a n , w h y n o t pigs?' 'It's to do w i t h greed, I t h i n k , ' says C h r i s . ' I ' m n o t sure.' ' W e d o n ' t k n o w w h a t it's a b o u t , ' says N e i l . ' W c have to read the reviews to find out.' He has a p h o n e - i n c o m p e t i t i o n . ' W h a t n u m b e r caller should I take for these tickets?' he asks. ' T h i r t e e n , ' says C h r i s immediately. ' W e stay in all these hotels and they d o n ' t have a thirteenth floor and it spooks me o u t . ' T h e D J , it turns o u t , is quite a fan. He tells t h e m h o w b i g D u s t y Springfield's 'In Private' was on this station. N e i l m e n t i o n s that they offered it for d i e soundtrack of Pretty Woman: 'they didn't w a n t to k n o w ' . *

197

Pet Shop Boys versus America

In the car A r m a and Jack Satter discuss, in A m e r i c a record business-speak, tactics w i t h ' . . . Streets ' W e ' l l push it w h e n the c l u b base gets real solid,' says Satter. 'It's really starring to heat up. 1 think the mistake we m a d e w i t h " S o H a r d " is that we w e n t w i t h it straight o u t of the b o x . S o m e stations are a bit iffy about " . . . Streets . . . " and m i g h t b e m o r e likely t o play i t i f i t didn't have the Frankie Valli s e g m e n t in. T h e y ' r e all r o c k e t scientists We arrive at the v e n u e and there is i m m e d i a t e l y a sponsorship row. O u t s i d e d i e theatre, above 'Pet S h o p B o y s ' , is ' R e e b o k ' . Inside there are h u g e R e e b o k banners. ' T h e y ' v e g o t t o c o m e d o w n , ' says C h r i s . 'It's ridiculous,' says N e i l . T h e y w a l k out, both t o b e seen t o b e w a l k i n g o u t a n d because they w a n t to get s o m e t h i n g to cat. 'Shall we do a Hard Day's Night' w o n d e r s N e i l , 'and n o t go back until eight o ' c l o c k ? '

T h e O r p h e u m T h e a t e r dressing-room, B o s t o n , 6.30 p . m . A r m a presents o n e further time the deal that has b e e n sketched out for r e t u r n i n g to play concerts in the s u m m e r . ' T h e smallest w o u l d be eight to ten thousand. W e ' d start in m i d - A u g u s t , g o for six w e e k s . ' ' H o w l o n g w o u l d y o u have off?' C h r i s asks N e i l . ' A b o u t t w o m o n t h s , ' says N e i l . 'I n e e d a f o u r - w e e k holiday,' says C h r i s . ' W e can g e t the guarantee,' A r m a continues, 'to average a b o u t $50,000 a night. T h a t w o u l d c o v e r o u r overheads, and e v e r y d i i n g y o u sell in percentages and overheads g o e s into profit.' H e tries t o bolster c o n f i d e n c e . ' T h e s e p r o m o t e r s w o u l d n ' t be d o i n g it unless they t h o u g h t they w e r e g o i n g into percentages. If we did moderately well y o u ' d gross a b o u t $4 million and y o u r costs w o u l d be $1.5 m i l l i o n . ' ' O u r c o n c e r n , ' says N e i l , 'is that the equation m i g h t n o t w o r k . O u r e x p e r i e n c e is that o n e thing doesn't necessarily lead to another.' ' Y o u c a m e into the market w i t h promoters w h o d i d n ' t really believe i n y o u , ' A r m a points out, 'and d i d n ' t advertise y o u m u c h . T h e w o r d o f m o u d i o n d i e tour is incredible. Y o u can tell f r o m the m e r c h a n d i s i n g sales that these are real fans.'

98

Pet Shop Boys versus America

' T h e s e are o u r fans,' C h r i s agrees. ' W e ' r e w o r r i e d a b o u t h o w w e l l i t c a n cross over to a mass market.' ' T h i s is a m a j o r risk for the p r o m o t e r , ' says A r m a , '$100,000 to $150,000 a night, and n o t o n e of t h e m has asked, "Is there g o i n g to be a hit s i n g l e ? " ' ' B u t w i l l they go and see it?' C h r i s w o n d e r s . A r m a naturally says yes. ' W i t h this s h o w they'll go and see it t w i c e , and b r i n g five o f their friends the s e c o n d time. T h e r e ' s n o o n e o u t there this s u m m e r w i t h this sort o f s h o w . . . ' C h r i s gets to the crucial p o i n t . ' S o we can't lose any m o n e y ? ' ' N o , ' says A r m a . ' W h e n d o w e n e e d t o decide?' asks N e i l . 'In a w e e k o r t w o . W h i l e t h e y ' r e h o t about it.' ' W e should decide,' N e i l says. ' S o we d o n ' t piss about, and we get it in o u r heads.' A r m a presses o n . ' I ' m p l a n n i n g this w i d i n o single success. I f w e g e t l u c k y w i t h the single then w e ' r e talking a different ballgame . . . multiples. We c o u l d m a y b e do a p a y - p e r - v i e w — that's m a y b e $150,000 to $200,000.' ' W e c o u l d m a y b e think a b o u t sponsorship . . . ' says C h r i s . H e sounds serious and y o u can see A r m a l o o k i n g pleased. ' B e c a u s e it seems we get sponsored anyway. Pepsi is always on o u r ticket.' T h i s is a constant gripe. A f t e r all their efforts to avoid sponsorship, time and t i m e again they find that the v e n u e or the p r o m o t e r has d o n e a deal w i t h a sponsor w h i c h surreptitiously associates t h e m w i d i the sponsor - usually by the sponsor's n a m e a p p e a r i n g on the c o n c e r t tickets or in the c o n c e r t hall. ' W e c o u l d get R e e b o k , ' says N e i l , for die return tour. ' W e ' v e just taken their banners d o w n , ' mutters C h r i s . ' T h e y ' r e v a g u e l y English,' says N e i l . ' T h e y ' r e S o u t h A f r i c a n , ' says A r m a . ' T h e y ' r e not?' splutters N e i l . 'Just j o k i n g , ' says A r m a , alarmed. ' M y o p i n i o n is that if y o u ' v e g o t this h u g e t h i n g r u n n i n g it'd be a mistake to p a c k it into boxes and n o t capitalize on i t . . . It's n o t a strenuous situation.' 'Strenuous

enough,

1

think,'

says

Neil.

'Who's

got

a

copy

of this

plan?' 'Ivan . . . R i c h a r d . . . J i l l . . . ' ' G r e a t , ' says N e i l . He turns to C h r i s . 'I think we s h o u l d do it really. W h a t d o y o u diink, C h r i s ? Really.'

199

I

l'et Shop Boys versus America

' I ' d like to do it if it's successful, and I'd hate to do it if it's not. B u t I d o n ' t k n o w i f it's g o i n g t o b e . . . ' A r m a has b e e n inspecting the a r r i v i n g crowds. ' A g o o d audience,' h e says. ' A lot o f leather.' ' T h e s e are o u r n e w fans: the rockers,' says C h r i s . T h e y discuss strategy. N e i l is u n h a p p y that they are b e i n g p r o m o t e d unsuccessfully — a t C H R radio. ' W e s h o u l d concentrate o n alternative radio,' suggests C h r i s . ' C H R i s o v e r f o r us. W e ' r e t o o left field. W e ' r e u n d e r g r o u n d . ' ' W e ' r e u n d e r g r o u n d , ' N e i l half agrees, 'in an o v e r g r o u n d way.' ' W e ' r e a n u n d e r g r o u n d car park,' f o l l o w s o n C h r i s . ' P a r k i n g an expensive car,' says N e i l . T h e y bitch some more about E M I . ' I ' m ready to drop a small b o m b , ' A r m a promises. 'A big b o m b , ' C h r i s instructs. ' I f o u n d o u t today R i c h a r d M a r x m o v e d off. N o w ' s o u r time t o strike, whilst they're reeling o v e r that. S o I ' m drinking o f d r o p p i n g that b o m b t o m o r r o w — if they d o n ' t break this r e c o r d we w a n t the greatest hits on another label.' He pauses, m a y b e even a litde s h o c k c d at w h a t their presence has led him to suggest. 'Shall I do that?' 'Yes,' mutters C h r i s . 'I t h i n k y o u should w r i t e t h e m a provocative letter,' suggests N e i l , ' s u m m i n g u p w h a t ' s h a p p e n e d o n die tour. I feel that w h e n y o u w r i t e s o m e t h i n g d o w n i t focuses p e o p l e . I v a g u e l y think E M I haven't n o t i c e d . . . ' 'I'll call Sal u p t o m o r r o w , say, " T h e band's n o t h a p p y . . . " ' ' P o o r Sal,' says N e i l . 'Say w e ' v e g o t n o c o n f i d e n c e . . . ' ' D o y o u t h i n k it's w o r t h talking t o Sal?' N e i l asks. ' M a y b e I'D talk to Charles.' ' Y o u s h o u l d say, " W e ' v e g o t all this h a p p e n i n g - h o w c o m e we can't sell any r e c o r d s ? " ' C h r i s sighs. ' Y o u d o n ' t realize w h a t an effort it is to do this show, do y o u , Arma?' T h e o p e n i n g music starts. ' T h i s is w h e r e the c r o w d thinks, w h a t on earth's g o i n g on? W e ' r e in for a difficult h o u r . . . '

*

202

Pet Shop Boys versus America

Halftime: N e i l : 'I think y o u r leather trousers are better than m i n e . ' C h r i s : 'Let's face it - the first half's dreary.' N e i l : 'It's like C h e k h o v . ' C h r i s : ' W h a t shall w e c h a n g c w h e n w e c o m e back? " T h i s M u s t B e the P l a c e " ? It's dreary, but I suppose we c a n ' t c h a n g e it. "It's a S i n " is a hit. " L o s i n g M y M i n d " ? ' H e shakes his head. ' I quite like masturbating. B u t that w o n ' t be h a p p e n i n g in B l a c k p o o l . ' N e i l : 'It's b e e n called the G a y " W a l l " . I w o n d e r w h y . It's g o t m o r e heterosexual sex in it. A n d n o b o d y calls it the Lesbian " W a l l " . ' N e i l l o o k s f o r his T-shirt for the second half, but it is missing. ' W a r d r o b e have g o n e to pieces,' he says to m e . 'Please n o t e that.' A l a n : 'I'll sue.' D u r i n g the finale C r a i g is w e a r i n g a sheet of paper stuck to his back saying ' k i c k me'. ' T h i s is o u r final night of o u r first-ever tour of A m e r i c a and it's b e e n a fantastic e x p e r i e n c e f o r us,' N e i l tells the audience. 'Well, that was it, then,' he says in the dressing-room, ' o u r first A m e r i c a n tour.' ' S o it's g o o d b y e to the U n i t e d States,' says C h r i s , 'and hello to C a n a d a , sin capital o f the w o r l d . ' ' O f w h i c h , ' N e d chips in, 'it's b e e n said, "It's v e r y clean . . . " ' ' W h y doesn't M i c h a e l Jackson p u t s o m e m o n e y into us?' C h r i s w o n d e r s . ' W h y didn't h e c o m e ? W h y d i d n ' t M a d o n n a b r i n g h i m ? She's seething w i t h j e a l o u s y in M a l i b u - Jean Paul Gaultier had already p h o n e d her up. He d i d say, "It's the first t i m e I've seen a r o c k s h o w that is a real s h o w . . . " and he did do the clothes f o r M a d o n n a . ' A r m a is still m i f f e d a b o u t the R o y a l t o n . ' I ' m n e v e r staying there again.' ' C h r i s , ' says N e i l , 'that place, it's falling apart.' ' I think w e should g o back t o the Westbury,' A r m a suggests. 'It's t o o stuffy,' says C h r i s . ' C h r i s , I like l u x u r y and space,' says N e i l . ' M e and N e i l , ' A r m a tells C h r i s , 'have s o m e t h i n g i n c o m m o n . W e like d o w n pillows . . . ' C h r i s thinks o f the return t o A m c r i c a . ' W e ' v e g o t t o think o f n e w m e r chandise.'

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' W i n g s rucksacks,' suggests L y n n e . ' A w i n g s T-shirt w i t h actual w i n g s c o m i n g o u t o f the b a c k , ' suggests N e i l . 'Little pigs to h a n g up in the car w i n d o w like dice,' says C h r i s . ' M o d e l s o f us,' says N e i l . ' W e should d o a deal w i t h

XOYS'R'US.'

'BOYS'R'US,' sniggers C h r i s . ' Y o u ' - N e i l gestures towards A r m a and C h r i s - ' b o t h like s p e n d i n g O P M . O t h e r People's Money.' T h e y have s o m e celebratory e n d - o f - A m e r i c a n - t o u r c h a m p a g n e . ' Y o u k n o w , ' says C h r i s , '1 d o n ' t even like c h a m p a g n e . I've g o n e right o f f it.' T h e y sign autographs. C h r i s inscribes on o n e t o u r p r o g r a m m e 'it was pure theatre, darling'. ' C a n I take a picture of y o u ? ' a fan asks N e i l . 'It's always best just to take it,' he advises. ' O n e ' s instinct is always to say no.' O n c e the d e m a n d for autographs has b e e n satisfied they scramble o n board the bus. ' D o y o u k n o w , ' says C h r i s , ' w e give value for m o n e y ? ' Wc pass the mall. 'It's g o t H e r m e s , ' says N e i l approvingly. 'It's talking my language.' ' I d o n ' t really k n o w w h a t I ' m about a t d i e m o m e n t , ' b e m o a n s C h r i s . ' I haven't g o t an i m a g e fix.' ' Y o u ' v e g o t an identity crisis,' laughs N e i l . ' Y o u ' r e u n n e r v i n g the dancers.' A r m a has m a d e that E M I p h o n e call. ' I told Jack w e m a y have s o m e b i g p r o b l e m . W e ' r e n o t f e e l i n g i t o n all levels. W e n e e d t o talk.' ' W e h a d t o o m u c h success here early o n , ' says C h r i s . ' B y the t i m e Actually c a m e o u t , ' says N e i l , ' w e w e r e like A b b a . N o w w e ' r e like the rad-est g r o u p ever.' ' T h a t means w e can m a k e rad-er records,' celebrates C h r i s . ' I ' m sick o f m a k i n g c o m m e r c i a l records. I'd like to m a k e a r e c o r d that was really o f f the wall.' ' I ' m g o i n g to have a M a r t i n i , ' says A r m a . ' W e call it L o u d M o u t h S o u p . ' He proposes a toast. 'I was w o r r i e d , ' he confesses, ' a b o u t using p r e - r e c o r d e d music.' T h e y j u m p d o w n his throat. ' W e d o n ' t use any,' C h r i s huffs. ' Y o u use tapes,' says A r m a .

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' W e d o n ' t use tapes!' exclaims N e i l . 'It's all live,' says C h r i s . 'It's m a c h i n e s playing live,' N e d explains o n c e m o r e . ' Y o u think that's tape?' C h r i s asks A r m a . ' P e o p l e d o n ' t see the distinction,' sighs N e i l . ' W e c o u l d m a k e life easier p u t t i n g things on tape,' C h r i s points out. B u t , of course, that is rarely a Pet S h o p B o y s priority. T h e y m o v e o n t o Ivan, g i v i n g h i m a hard t i m e for earning t o o m u c h money, a n d h a v i n g t o o nice a h o t e l r o o m . ' O n e of the reasons we left T o m , ' w a r n s C h r i s , 'is that he always had a better r o o m than us. So r e m e m b e r that.' H e ' s talking a b o u t T o m Watkins, their o l d manager. ' T h a t ' s simply n o t true,' N e i l laughs. ' H e always had large r o o m s , ' C h r i s insists, 'and we had piddly little ones.' A r m a asks a b o u t T o m . 'I've heard so m u c h about h i m , but the m o r e I hear, the m o r e I like h i m . ' ' T o m was f u n , ' says N e i l , 'but h e pissed o f f e v e r y o n e i n A m e r i c a . ' ' A n d y o u still sold m o r e records,' laughs A r m a , ' w i t h h i m than w i t h m e . ' T h e Daily News r e v i e w has b e e n h i d d e n f r o m t h e m , but it finally turns up, and they pass it r o u n d the dinner table. 'It's a good r e v i e w ! ' says N e d . ' " I f y o u had to pick o n e w o r d for this s h o w besides brilliant - it w o u l d be b u s y . " ' He reads on. ' T h i s is brilliant, "this d o e s f o r p o p music w h a t Sunday in the Park w i t h G e o r g e does for d i e a t r e . . . " ' 'Killed it,' mutters C h r i s . ' T h i s guy,' says N e i l , 'makes the p o i n t that it set o u t to intimidate the audience. It does, the first half.' C h r i s reads it. ' T h i s is m u c h better than The New York Times\ " T h e entire M e t O p e r a o n Ecstasy"! T h i s i s fantastic!' T h e y talk o n c e m o r e a b o u t the s u m m e r tour. Ivan is all for it. 'I think y o u c o u l d m a k e a n absolute f o r t u n e w i t h the possibility o f even m o r e m o n e y than you could imagine.' ' Y o u ' d g e t a b o n u s , ' C h r i s tells h i m . ' W h e r e a s i f w e lose m o n e y w e e x p e c t y o u t o pay . . . ' H e laughs. ' A s l o n g a s w e m a k e a lot o f m o n e y I d o n ' t care.' A r m a is still p e e v e d a b o u t t h e R o y a l t o n . '1 had thirty r o o m s b o o k e d there and I cancelled d i e m because they w o k e me up at 7.00 a.m. b o t h m o r n i n g s . F u c k ' e m . T h e y lost a b o u t thirty thousand dollars. I ' m g o i n g to the Westbury. I like chintzes. 1 like d o w n pillows.'

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' D o n ' t slag o f f the beds,' says C h r i s . ' T h e y ' r e the m o s t c o m f o r t a b l e . ' 'I d i d n ' t slag o f f the bed,' A r m a points out, w i t h c o m m e n d a b l e pedantry. ' Y o u slagged o f f the pillows,' says C h r i s . He asks a b o u t a c c o m m o d a t i o n in Paris. ' W h y aren't w e staying i n the C r i l l o n ? ' ' Y o u can't p u t the dancers there!' says N e i l . ' N e v e r m i n d the dancers!' says C h r i s . ' T h e y can stay in the H o l i d a y Inn.' A c l u b b i n g trip is b e i n g planned. 'I refuse to g o , ' says N e i l . ' I ' m k n a c k e r e d . ' ' Y o u ' v e g o t t o c o m e , ' C h r i s insists. ' I f y o u d o n ' t c o m e they w o n ' t believe w h o w e are . . . ' S o m e fans in the l o b b y have b e e n r e m o v e d . ' T h e fans have b e e n t h r o w n o u t , ' c h u c k l e s C h r i s . ' F o r n o t b e i n g attractive e n o u g h , ' says N e i l . 'It's g o i n g to be a top night t o n i g h t , ' C h r i s predicts. We turn up at the first club. ' W e ' r e n o t paying to g e t in,' says C h r i s . T h e r e are negotiations. ' D o we w a n t a b i g scene?' C h r i s asks. ' P e o p l e ousted f r o m their tables?' T h e r e is s o m e h o r r i b l e local b a n d playing, or so we assume. T h e n I r e c o g n i z e a s o n g , then the n e x t s o n g too. We have w a n d e r e d into a P o p W i l l Eat Itself c o n c e r t . ' W e hate t h e m , ' says N e i l . ' T h e y hate us.' ' A r e they any g o o d ? ' C h r i s asks. ' C h r i s , ' chides N e i l , f o r even entertaining the possibility, 'they're a f o o t n o t e to a f o o t n o t e . ' We go to another club - R a m r o d ' s - b u t we can't g e t in: tonight's d o o r p o l i c y is strictly leather. S o m e girls w h o have s o m e h o w j o i n e d i n o u r l i m o u s i n e e n t o u r a g e sing 'Feelings' and ' 9 1 1 is a Joke'. T h e y ask w h e t h e r we have I D . ' O f c o u r s e w e d o n ' t , ' scoffs C h r i s . ' W e ' r e all over fifty.' We go to C h a p p s . A m a n c o m e s up and harasses N e i l . N e i l later describes h i m as a maniac. It's b e e n a f u n n y night. We are d r u n k and tired. ' I d o n ' t always deliver,' rambles Claris. ' Y o u k n o w the t w e n t y p e r c e n t o f first-class mail that doesn't g e t delivered the n e x t day. I ' m that t w e n t y per cent.'

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•I We pass a s h o p w h o s e w i n d o w proclaims ' m o r e beds than y o u ' v e ever dreamed o f ' . C h r i s stares at it. It's ridiculous. ' D o y o u dream o f beds w h e n y o u ' r e asleep?' h e scoffs.

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I

Friday, 12 April

An airport panic. Chris has packed his passport in his check-in luggage and it must be retrieved. 'A g o o d hassle,' declares N e i l . 'It's a nice g o o d b y e to A m e r i c a for the book.' 'Yes,' says Chris, ' w e don't leave Chris is n o w convinced he's left his passport by the side of his bed at the R o y alt on. N e i l says it will be in his bag. 'Have y o u heard,' Chris asks, reading a newspaper w h i l e we wait, 'Michael Jackson's idea for a film? Busby Berkeley meets Star Wars. It's the same idea as everything he does.' 'He's a one-idea person,' says Neil. 'If I was Michael Jackson I w o u l d play a drug addict homosexual w h o ' s had a sex change.' Chris's bag is produced. He rummages. 'It's not in the Filofax . . . ' he announces, there being an air of triumph accompanying this non-discovery. He rummages s o m e more. Scowls. ' O h , ' he sighs sadly, 'it is here. H o w annoying. Drat.' He is going to Canada after all. He retires to eat some consolation pepperoni pizza. T h e n he hits upon a n e w tack. At the desk he instructs Ivan to inquire about the make of plane. 'Is it an airbus? I still m i g h t not come.' It's a 727. 'That's O K , ' Chris admits. ' T h e y ' r e over-powered, and diey're tried and tested.' Toronto airport: ' O h , ' chirps Chris. 'It's great to be in Canada!' 'Shall we have a glass of champagne to celebrate o u r arrival in one of die world's most exciting cities, Toronto?' suggests N e i l . ' M y kind of city: Oslo, D o r t m u n d , Toronto. "I like Toronto - it's clean," says N e i l Tennant, thirty-six.' We board the bus. 'Actually,' says N e i l . 'Toronto is just like England. It's just like England Part 2. Canada must be the only country that's got a logo. A n d it's got a tune. E v e r y

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little bit helps. It's so insecure it needs to be marketed. T h e i m m i g r a t i o n g u y said, "I think w e ' v e g o t a better understanding o f B r i t i s h bands h e r e . " It was the first " I ' v e g o t a chip o n m y shoulder a b o u t A m e r i c a " c o m m e n t . T h e first o f many He puts a pre-release tape of Massive A t t a c k ' s LP into the cassette player. 'Unfinished Sympathy'. ' I d o n ' t k n o w w h y w e d o n ' t m a k e records like this,' says N e i l . 'You k e e p w a n t i n g to m a k e "It's a S i n " all the time,' answers C h r i s . ' T h i s , ' responds N e i l , 'is the o n e that sounds like Faure's R e q u i e m . If y o u set Faure's R e q u i e m to a d r u m b e a t we c o u l d have a b i g hit.' C h r i s sighs. ' B u t w e ' d n e v e r be able to w o r k o u t the chords.' Pause. 'I suppose w e c o u l d get R i c h a r d C o l e s in.' O n e day, several years ago, the Pet S h o p B o y s w e r e a t B B C ' s M a i d a Vale studios r e c o r d i n g a version o f K u r t Weill's ' W h a t K e e p s M a n k i n d A l i v e ' for a radio special on The Ihreepenny Opera. T h e y c o u l d n ' t w o r k o u t quite h o w to play it and so R i c h a r d C o l e s — previously o n e o f the C o m m u n a r d s , b u t w o r k i n g n e x t d o o r w i t h Sandie S h a w - p o p p e d i n and played it for t h e m . C h r i s spots a street name. 'Islington A v e n u e ! I can't wait to g e t back to Islington.' He is t h i n k i n g of Arsenal. ' W h a t day is the FA C u p Final? I h o p e it's o u r day off. We c o u l d reschedule it o t h e r w i s e . ' He probably means the day o f f , n o t the C u p Final. ' C h r i s , ' says N e i l , ' w h y are y o u p r e t e n d i n g to be interested in football?' N e i l changes the tape. ' I w a n t t o listen t o m y favourite song.' It's R E M ' s ' L o s i n g M y R e l i g i o n ' . A l o n g w i t h the b e g i n n i n g h e sings the M a m a s and the Papas' ' C a l i f o r n i a D r e a m i n ' ' : 'all the leaves are b r o w n . . . ' ' B a n d and c r e w meal t o m o r r o w , ' Ivan tells t h e m . ' S o m e w h e r e c h e a p and c h e e r f u l , ' instructs C h r i s . ' N o , ' p r o v o k e s Ivan. ' R e a l l y expensive.' ' F o r the crew? says C h r i s , deliberately offensive. ' W e w a n t "a f u n a m b i ence".' ' T h e c r e w are really sophisticated,' N e i l points out. ' T h e m o s t sophisticated eater on this t o u r is the s o u n d m a n . ' R E M d r o n e o n t o lesser matters. ' I ' v e n e v e r u n d e r s t o o d the appeal o f s o u n d i n g crap,' says N e i l , silencing t h e m . A n d w e chat. G r a m m a r c o m e s up, and I m e n t i o n that w h e n w r i t i n g f o r Details m a g a z i n e in A m e r i c a the w o r d 'like' is f o r b i d d e n in those cases w h e r e 'such as' w o u l d be the pedantically c o r r e c t t e r m .

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' T h a t w o u l d b e us,' says N e i l approvingly. ' I f w e w e r e M a d o n n a i t w o u l d have b e e n As Though I was a Virgin. O u r n e w album: As Though It were a Prayer.' A n d then back to Canada. 'A v e r y n i c e place,' says N e i l . ' W i t h politics. It's m e g a - c o n c e r n e d a b o u t equality. T h e y have a sort of moral chip on their shoulder.' We pass the Canadian N a t i o n a l tower. ' T h e r e it is,' says N e i l . ' T h e w o r l d ' s tallest building. T h e w o r l d ' s largest chip o n y o u r shoulder. N o w they're b u i l d i n g s o m e t h i n g i n C h i c a g o . T h e y can't let the Canadians get away w i t h h a v i n g the w o r l d ' s tallest structure. It's taking the piss. It's like S w e d e n h a v i n g it.' We pull up. ' N o d o u b t y o u ' l l have a better r o o m than m e , ' g r u m p s N e i l t o C h r i s . ' Y o u always do.' ' N o I d o n ' t , ' says C h r i s , flabbergasted that N e i l is t r y i n g to turn this traditional a r g u m e n t around. ' Y o u do,' insists N e i l . 'I'll o n l y say t w o words: R a d i o C i t y , ' a n n o u n c e s C h r i s triumphantly. 'You had a piano and a suite; / o n l y had a toilet a n n e x e . ' T h e y h e a d o f f o n r o o m inspection. 'I'll see y o u in ten minutes,' C h r i s promises N e i l , ' f o r a row.' T h e hotel: 'I've g o t an idea for the n e x t tour,' says N e i l . 'It's all theatrical, b u t it makes sense\ It's d i e logical n e x t step.' 'I d o n ' t think we should do a n o t h e r tour,' says C h r i s , 'until w e ' v e g o t a hit album. Also, I think w e ' v e g o t to piss a b o u t w i t h the n e x t album. W e ' v e g o t to record it, then scrap it and re-record it, and really piss a b o u t . . . ' He thinks. ' W e should n i c k that slogan from R i c h a r d B r a n s o n and take the piss o u t of it: "A R e m b r a n d t doesn't c o m e on sale v e r y o f t e n . . . " ' T h i s is w h a t R i c h a r d Branson said w h e n c o m m i t t i n g h u g e sums to signing Janet Jackson to V i r g i n records. ' T h e idea o f Janet Jackson b e i n g a R e m b r a n d t . . . ' sighs N e i l . 'It's so preposterous,' C h r i s concurs. T h e y have j u s t read that M i c h a e l Jackson's n e w LP w i l l be called Dangerous. ' H e s h o u l d do a g o o d album this time,' says C h r i s . 'I t h i n k he'll m a k e an album that's m o r e black,' says N e i l , 'because the w h o l e of Bad is like a C o k e c o m m e r c i a l . ' Silence. 213

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'I'd hate to be M i c h a c l Jackson,' says C h r i s quietly. ' I m a g i n e w a k i n g up as M i c h a e l Jackson,' says Ivan. ' W h a t a terrible K a f k a e s q u e . . . ' says N e i l , never quite f i n d i n g his sentence's final w o r d . ' H e ' s c i r c u m c i s e d , ' C h r i s says. T h e y k n o w s o m e o n e w h o stood n e x t t o h i m in the t o d e t and n o t i c e d .

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Saturday, 13 April

Chris and I go to Neil's room, where he is on the telephone to Reuters. ' . . . 1 don't really think that w h a t we do is limited to gays. We d o n ' t regard ourselves as Erasure. It's not w h y we do w h a t wc do . . . 1 don't agree w i t h the concept of role models. H o w can anyone say they're a role model? . . . People aren't stupid, y o u know. People know. I w o u l d never set myself up as a role model. I have no interest in it . . . People get out of this music, depending on w h o they are or what they are, w h a t they w a n t out of it. 1 mean, some people want to dance to it, some people's mothers like i t . . . ' T h e interviewer clearly mentions a song on Behaviour, 'Nervously'. 'People pick up that, but it's not meant to be explicit. T h e "nervous b o y " in the song is me . . . I personally think we have a very honest approach to all of this, but in the media it's very difficult to discuss. T h e r e are plenty of people w h o live totally deceitful lives, and the Pet Shop B o y s could never be accused of living totally deceitful lives.' I can hear the journalist's voice: 'I think it's important y o u live an honest life.' ' Y o u don't drink we're honest?' N e i l is a little indignant, and a litde surprised. 'I think we are totally honest.' T h e y discuss the TV film about the history of gay disco w h i c h Jon Savage made for Out on Tuesday in 1988. 'It's a rather large subject. T h e n , the predominant style of music, dominated by Stock Aitken Waterman, was gay-derived pop music. I think I said 011 the programme R i c k Asdey's music was gay disco music, and it was. It was the predominant style in eighties pop, from Frankie G o e s To H o l l y w o o d to Jason D o n o v a n : it was gay-derived. T h e r e are people w h o w o u l d argue that all disco is gay dominated, and I think they're probably right. T h e n , in the sixties, it was dominated by gay managers T h e r e is another, unheard question. 'I don't want to talk about it,' says N e i l firmly. ' W e are musicians, not politicians. I think the people you're talking about are politicians, not musicians.

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"Who else are y o u talking a b o u t in H o l l y w o o d ? In television? T h e reason y o u can sit here a n d ask me is because w e ' r e not dishonest. We are in a u n i q u e p o s i t i o n because w e ' r e n o t dishonest people. W e are the o n l y p e o p l e i n the w h o l e w o r l d y o u can talk a b o u t like this.' ' P u t the p h o n e d o w n , ' C h r i s advises. ' Y o u a n d I c o u l d b o t h n a m e ten or so H o l l y w o o d stars,' continues N e i l d o w n the p h o n e , 'but y o u c o u l d n ' t discuss it w i t h t h e m because t h e y ' r e dishonest.' T h e conversation drifts onwards. 'I find it patronizing that to g e t o v e r messages a b o u t A I D S y o u g e t a load o f second-rate c o v c r versions Red Hot and Blue, o n e presumes. ' W e n e v e r d o those things, because w e like t o think that w h a t w e d o i s totally u n i q u e . We d o n ' t w a n t to be l i n k e d w i t h that . . . I k n o w it's a v e r y unfashionable view, b u t I d o n ' t t h i n k p o p music exists to service causes. It exists t o m a k e g o o d music . . . W h a t ' s t h e car industry's response t o A I D S ? W h y d o n ' t they m a k e a car and g i v e d i e m o n e y t o A I D S ? W h y d o n ' t H o l l y w o o d m a k e a f i l m and g i v e s o m e o f the m o n e y t o A I D S ? W h y d o n ' t R e u t e r s g i v e t w e n t y p e r c e n t o f their m o n e y t o A I D S ? ' B u t p o p stars . . . ' P e o p l e w a n t to be regarded as great humanitarian figures. I d o n ' t w a n t to be a great humanitarian figure. I'd rather be presented as m e a n and spiteful than a great h u m a n i t a r i a n figure.' T h e n e x t question i s clearly a b o u t his relationship w i t h C h r i s . ' W e speak; w e ' r e f r i e n d l y . T h a t ' s h o w w e started. W e ' r e n o t lovers i f that's w h a t y o u m e a n . . . S o m e h o w I g e t m o r e attention because I ' m the singer, but I d o n ' t t h i n k he minds that because he doesn't crave attention N e i l m e n t i o n s his love o f N o e l C o w a r d . T h e i n t e r v i e w e r doesn't k n o w w h o h e means. ' H e died i n 1 9 7 1 . '73, sorry. N o , 1 never m e t N o e l C o w a r d , t o m y eternal regret . . . It's diese v e r y British kind of silly songs. It's music that's from a tradition, k i n d o f different and similar t o w h a t w e do.' He is asked w h e t h e r he is politically active at all. 'Yes. I vote. 1 d o n ' t b e l o n g to a political party. I always v o t e for the L a b o u r Party in Britain. I personally d i i n k the m o s t effective w a y of c h a n g e h a p p e n i n g is t h r o u g h d i e ballot b o x , and I d o n ' t t h i n k p o p stars have m u c h effect 011 that. I think the o n l y thing that p o p stars have had a m a j o r e f f e c t on is to persuade

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p e o p l e t o take lots o f drugs. T h e y have had s o m e e f f e c t o n the g r e e n m o v e m e n t , but the g r e e n m o v e m e n t existed b e f o r e Sting. T h e o t h e r effect i s m a y b e o n clothes: i n training shoes. P o p i s fashion, y o u k n o w . T h a t ' s the w h o l e p o i n t o f it. If p o p stars are i n v o l v e d in the e n v i r o n m e n t and it b e c o m e s fashion, in a f e w years there'll be groups g o i n g " s c r e w the e n v i r o n m e n t " because it's a fashion and it's a p e n d u l u m . A n d it s h o u l d be. P o p stars used to persuade p e o p l e to take drugs, then they persuaded t h e m n o t to, n o w in E n g l a n d t h e y try to persuade t h e m to take drugs again. It's a fashion.' N e i l smiles at t h e n e x t question. ' N o , ' he says, 'I c o u l d n ' t s u m up a single message f r o m o u r songs.' C h r i s laughs. 'I t h i n k we p u t o u t a c o m p l e x set o f messages, s o m e o f w h i c h are contradictory. It's h o w y o u d o n ' t have a single message, and h o w difficult it is to live life in a c o m p l e x , difficult world.' T h e i n t e r v i e w e r m e n t i o n s shopping. ' E v e n s h o p p i n g , ' says N e i l , 'isn't easy.' ' T h a t was exhausting,' says N e i l o n c e he has finally put d o w n the p h o n e . ' D i d h e ask y o u i f w e w e r e sexy?' C h r i s asks. ' N o o n e ever asks that,' says N e i l . A F r e n c h i n t e r v i e w e r is n e x t . As he asks his questions C h r i s browses t h r o u g h a c o p y of Classic CD. N e i l reels o f f the usual. ' W e always t h o u g h t that p e o p l e in A m e r i c a liked things that w e r e different, and 1 think w e ' v e b e e n proved r i g h t . ' W h y , asks the F r e n c h m a n , are y o u starting the E u r o p e a n l e g of the t o u r in Paris? 'It had to start s o m e w h e r e , ' mutters Chris. 'I d o n ' t k n o w w h y , ' N e i l chips in. 'It s e e m e d like a sensible place.' In E n g l a n d , says the F r e n c h m a n , y o u are b i g stars, b u t in France y o u are . . . ' . . . litde stars,' c o m p l e t e s C h r i s . 'I t h i n k m a y b e the w o r d s are t o o English, and the w o r d s t o o c o m p l i c a t e d , ' says N e i l . 'A l o t of music crosses language barriers bccause the w o r d s are so simple.' 'Actually,' says C h r i s , 'I think the F r e n c h are v e r y l u c k y that w e ' r e g o i n g there at ah.' T h e i n t e r v i e w e r asks a b o u t the c o m p u t e r technology. ' W e c o u l d n ' t be b o t h e r e d g e t t i n g musicians together,' says C h r i s , 'and it's easier using technology, and musicians are a miserable b u n c h - they're

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temperamental, they get colds, they d o n ' t travel well. T h e n they all start g e t t i n g o f f w i t h girls. Y o u d o n ' t g e t that w i t h m a c h i n e s . ' N e i l bides his time, t h e n reinforces this w i t h the m o r e considered e x planation he has b e e n relating t h r o u g h o u t the tour. D o y o u think, asks the n o w rather b e m u s e d F r e n c h m a n , that dance music is liberation? ' O f w h a t ? ' asks C h r i s . ' O f the soul? I d o n ' t understand the question.' ' D o y o u find dance music liberating?' says N e i l , rather b e g i n n i n g to take d i e interviewer's side. ' Y e a h , ' says C h r i s . 'I dance my rocks o f f . ' S l o w l y he expands. '1 d o n ' t really like saying I like dance music any m o r e because here it's all swingbeat, but in Britain it's n o t just the music, it's a w h o l e fashion t h i n g . . . a w a y of life. In A m e r i c a it's j u s t s o m e t h i n g t o d o o n Friday and Saturday night.' H e l o o k s a t N e d . 'I think N e i l g o e s to clubs f o r different reasons. I go to dance.' N e i l laughs, and l o o k s a little embarrassed. '1 go to d r i n k and talk.' T h e y are canvassed a b o u t H a m m e r , still ' M C ' a t the t i m e . ' T o be honest,' begins N e i l , 'I d o n ' t really like rap music in the main. It doesn't really express a n y t h i n g f o r me. I like music - no matter w h a t type - that makes y o u feel s o m e t h i n g , and M C H a m m e r ' s music sounds, a t best, like a n advertising j i n g l e . W h i c h is fair e n o u g h , because he's a b o u t m o n e y , isn't he? H e ' s m a x i m i z i n g his financial capability at the m o m e n t . ' C h r i s eats a Caesar salad w i t h spaghetti as the i n t e r v i e w continues, just t h r o w i n g in the occasional aside. N e d is asked a b o u t n e w projects. 'I t h i n k o u r n e x t p r o j e c t , ' interrupts C h r i s , his m o u t h full, ' w i l l be a G a p advert.' 'I t h i n k w e ' r e b r i n g i n g out a greatest hits L P , ' says N e d . 'It'll have f e w e r tracks in France,' mutters C h r i s . 'In France it'll b e a n E P , ' says N e d . 'In fact i t w o n ' t c o m e o u t . . . ' So, batdes on the interviewer, v i d e o is i m p o r t a n t for y o u ? 'It depends,' says N e i l . ' S o m e t i m e s it's s o m e t h i n g y o u just have to do, but g i v e n that y o u have to do it, y o u put quite a lot into t h e m . I think " B e i n g B o r i n g " i s the best v i d e o w e ' v e made, that and " D o m i n o D a n c i n g " . It's v e r y beautiful and it captures the f e e l i n g of the songs. We like beautiful things. I n A m e r i c a t h e y o n l y s h o w i t o n the P l a y b o y channel. T h e y can't deal w i t h male nudity - they f i n d it t o o s h o c k i n g . T h e y can deal w i t h f e m a l e nudity.' Will they make anodier movie?

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'I d o n ' t t h i n k so,' says N e i l . ' D i d y o u see the o t h e r o n e ? ' T h e F r e n c h m a n leaves. T h e m o o d is strange - rather flighty and carefree. 'I d o n ' t think we should do any m o r e press. I hate d o i n g i n t e r v i e w s , ' says C h r i s . ' I d o n ' t k n o w w h e t h e r w e should d o any ever again.' ' I ' m b e g i n n i n g t o w o n d e r i f w e should g i v e up,' says N e i l . ' W e c o u l d still m a k e records,' says C h r i s . 'I m e a n retiring from the business,' says N e i l . 'I k i n d of think w e ' v e had it, and I c o u l d n ' t face g o i n g d o w n the slippery slope. I think it w o u l d be w o n d e r f u l to go out w i t h a n u m b e r - o n e greatest hits.' ' T h a t was t h e Pet S h o p B o y s , ' says C h r i s . 'I think w e ' v e g o t a real real f u n d a m e n t a l p r o b l e m at the m o m e n t , ' says N e i l , ' w h i c h is g o i n g to be difficult to deal w i t h , and I really really seriously feel it, and I think it's based on o u r personae.' ' T h a t ' s w h y I think we s h o u l d disappear,' says C h r i s . 'It doesn't m a k e any difference,' says N e i l despondently, 'because w h e n w e c o m e b a c k w e ' r e still us.' ' W e c o u l d stop b e i n g i n o u r v i d e o s , ' C h r i s suggests. ' T h a t ' s a g o o d idea,' N e i l agrees. ' I ' m b o r e d by us,' says C h r i s . ' I ' m totally b o r e d b y us,' N e i l agrees. ' W a t c h i n g those i n t e r v i e w s o n v i d e o yesterday totally sickened m e . I ' m totally b o r e d by us . . . actually, I think o n e thing we do w e l l is press interviews. I think the press i n t e r v i e w s w e ' v e had this time have b e e n really g o o d . I think the i n t e r v i e w s y o u ' v e d o n e are really g o o d . I just d o n ' t k n o w that w e should b e seen i n the T V age. A n d I think the solution for us is to be like the " B e i n g B o r i n g " v i d e o , w h e r e w e ' r e in it b u t n o t in it.' Pause. '1 feel at the m o m e n t we should c h u c k it in.' A n o t h e r pause. 'I t h i n k w e ' r e seen as so negative. W e ' v e had the same personae for so m a n y years that it's n o t surprising the public have g o t b o r e d of it. I d o n ' t blame t h e m , because I ' m bored of it too.' ' I ' m w o r r i e d a b o u t c o m i n g b a c k t o A m e r i c a , ' says C h r i s . ' I ' m j u s t so aware p e o p l e are b o r e d w i t h us,' says N e i l . 'It's impossible n o t to be aware of that.' T h e r e is a v e r y l o n g pause. ' T h e B e e G e e s k e p t o n g o i n g , didn't they?' says C h r i s . N e i l i s n o t m o v e d b y this. ' D o y o u really w a n t t o b e the B e e Gees?' ' Y e a h , ' says C h r i s . ' N o , ' objects N e i l .

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' T h e y seem quite g o o d , ' C h r i s insists. ' T h e y occasionally have hits. T h e y ' r e quite talented.' ' W e l l , ' sighs N e i l , 'there y o u a r e . . . ' T h e dressing-room looks, C h r i s reckons, 'like the C o n s e r v a t i v e Party C o n f e r e n c e ' . T h e y j o k e about the earlier interviews. ' Y o u r i n t e r v i e w t e c h n i q u e , ' N e i l says to C h r i s , 'is n o w to say s o m e t h i n g really vile, in a v o i c e that doesn't s o u n d ironic.' C h r i s smiles. ' W h e n are we g o i n g on?' he asks Ivan. '8.15.' ' C a n ' t w e g o o n sooner?' h e complains. B u t they can't. T h e r e is a delay. R o b b i e has sent o u t for a replacement lighting generator. N e i l says he's 'shattered' and requests s o m e W o w ! T h e y chat about drugs. ' N o o n e prints m y q u o t e a b o u t drugs,' m o a n s N e i l ( m e a n i n g w h a t h e told R e u t e r s about h o w p o p ' s m o s t successful a d v o c a c y has b e e n n o t for noble causes b u t for the e n c o u r a g e m e n t of drug-taking), 'and it's probably the o n l y o u t r a g e o u s t h i n g I say. T h e y probably think, o h , he's t r y i n g to impress me.' L o n g pause. ' M o n t r e a l ' s g o i n g to be half empty,' says N e i l , 'and we can't curtain it o f f . ' 'I blame d i e public,' says C h r i s , 'and I ' m g o i n g to say so.' ' T h e y can't a c c o u n t for it,' says N e i l . ' T h e y are utterly b e w i l d e r e d . ' A l a n asks a b o u t tonight's dinner. 'Is this dinner paid f o r by the p r o m o t e r ? ' ' N o , ' says N e i l , 'it i s g o i n g t o b e paid for b y N e i l and C h r i s o u t o f the generosity o f o u r hearts.' 'It's o n l y cheap,' C h r i s reassures h i m . ' C h r i s and 1,' says N e i l , 'are g o i n g to go r o u n d and say patronizing things like " t h a n k y o u , y o u ' v e b e e n marvellous . . . " P r i n c e C h a r l e s said t o C u r i o s i t y K i l l e d the C a t , "It's these synthesizer things that are r u i n i n g m u s i c . " W e ' d have said, " N o , y o u ' r e w r o n g . " ' C h r i s s h o w s o f f his y e l l o w M o n t a n a T-shirt. 'It o n l y cost $ 1 4 5 , ' he laughs. 'I only b o u g h t three.' E v e n N e i l is s h o c k e d . '1 g o t a y e l l o w o n e and a black o n e and a blue o n e , ' C h r i s laughs. 'It's g o t a g o o d n e c k on it.' Ivan i n f o r m s t h e m of a merchandise scandal — on the sly the merchandisers have started p r i n t i n g the T-shirt on S c r e e n Stars, n o t H a n e s T-shirts. ' I f w e c o m e back i n the s u m m e r they w o n ' t have the deal any m o r e , ' promises N e i l .

l'et Shop Boys versus America

'Ivan, tell t h e m t h e y ' v e all g o t to be destroyed,' says C h r i s . 'It's t a k i n g the piss.' ' T h e y should sell t h e m for less,' N e i l suggests. ' T h e y ' r e n o t trustworthy,' g r u m p s C h r i s . ' N o o n e in the T-shirt business is trustworthy,' N e i l points o u t . ' T h e y ' r e n o t invited to o u r d i n n e r either,' says C h r i s . ' C e r t a i n l y n o t , ' agrees N e d . ' T o m o r r o w night,' h e instructs Ivan, ' w e ' r e selling t h e m for five dollars less.' ' A n d , ' says N e i l , ' w e ' r e n o t taking less m o n e y . ' Halftime: N e i l : ' I ' m sorry - it's the best s h o w of the tour.' C h r i s : ' T h e y ' r e a smashing b u n c h of p e o p l e . ' N e i l : ' I ' m g o i n g t o say, " I love y o u " . ' T h e n they talk a b o u t s c h o o l d a y s . . . N e i l : A t s c h o o l 1 was called a p o o f . ' C h r i s : 'It's because y o u w e r e n ' t v e r y g o o d at football.' N e i l : ' N o , so I had to g e t richer than t h e m . ' C h r i s : ' Y o u should b u y the s c h o o l . ' N e i l : 'I still may, and close it d o w n . ' T h e y discuss tliis b o o k . N e i l : ' W e c o u l d call it Out and about in America with the Pet Shop Boys.' B e f o r e they reappear i n their leather gear C h r i s says t o N e d , ' W h y d o n ' t y o u g o o u t w i t h a banana d o w n t h e m , j u s t f o r a laugh. I t h i n k that it n u g h t m a k e the difference.' S o m e h o w this rather fits tonight's m o o d . So he does. I m e e t up w i t h h i m losing it after d i e first f e w n u m b e r s in the dressing tent backstage. 'It was incredibly u n n e r v i n g , ' he says. 'I c o u l d feel it slipping. If I do it again I'll have to have it gaffa-taped.' His closing s p e e c h is ' T h i s is the first time w e ' v e ever played in C a n a d a and it's a night we w o n ' t forget for a v e r y l o n g time. T h a n k y o u . ' T h e n , as promised, ' W e love y o u . ' 'Well,' says D a i n t o n backstage, ' y o u rocked C a n a d a ! ' ' W e ' v e g o t to do it again t o m o r r o w , ' says C h r i s . 'I think it was the best c r o w d of the tour,' says N e d . C h r i s has had an idea. ' W e c o u l d call o u r greatest hits farewell.'

3

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' It

' O r , ' suggests N e i l , 'Split. T h e n w e ' l l have t o say, " O h , no, w e ' r e n o t splitting - it's just the title." ' 'Pet Shop Boys Go Their Own Ways' suggests C h r i s .

'Pet Shop Boys Hate Each Other,' laughs N e i l . ' O r Semi-detached. Pet Shop Boys

Semi-detached.' ' T h a t ' s g o o d , ' says C h r i s , 'but w i l l they g e t it in A m e r i c a ? ' ' N o , ' sighs N e i l . ' T h a t ' s w h y w e ' r e calling it Long Live Rock'n'Roll.' 'It's Alright,' says C h r i s ,

''liventy-three Quite Good Songs by the Pet Shop Boys.'

A pause. ' I c o u l d n ' t really give u p this life,' N e i l admits. ' T h e adulation . . . ' ' Y o u ' v e g o t t o o m u c h love t o g i v e , ' says C h r i s . 'Yes,' N e i l agrees. ' A l l these smiling faces. A n d a c o u p l e of g r u m p y bastards in the front row. S o m e p e o p l e are embarrassed to like it. T h e y quite like it. It's rather like us if we w e n t . ' Ivan c o m e s i n w i t h the latest o n the merchandise situation. T h e m a n i n charge of merchandise is s q u i r m i n g . ' H e ' l l do anything,' Ivan chuckles. ' H e ' s flying up tomorrow to apologize.' T h e r e is a d r i n k organized by C a n a d i a n E M I to present a gold disc. T h e y m e e t s o m e fans. ' W e ' v e d e c i d e d w e ' r e o v e r e x p o s e d - w e ' r e retiring at the end of the tour,' C h r i s tells o n e rather distressed fan. A man walks up to N e i l . It is l a n Balfour, the a u t h o r of ' R e v o l u t i o n s per M i n u t e o r T h e Pet S h o p B o y s Forever'. T h e i r conversation i s i n t e r r u p t e d b y E M l ' s attempt at a presentation. N e i l and C h r i s h a d already said they d i d n ' t w a n t any fuss and w h e n they are rather flamboyantly a n n o u n c e d C h r i s walks away. '1 l o v e y o u , C h r i s , ' says a n o t h e r fan to h i m as he leaves. ' I ' m sorry,' he says. ' W e ' v e g o t to g o . ' C h r i s says he wants to go b a c k to the hotel. '1 t h o u g h t y o u w e r e g o i n g straight o u t , ' says N e i l . ' I ' m n o t g o i n g straight a n y w h e r e , ' he says.

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In the m o r n i n g Ivan tells them that last night's festivities - an extended drinking binge in a Toronto nightclub for the entire touring party - cost them six thousand dollars. 'A complete waste of money,' says Chris. T h e y ' r e still smarting about the presentation. 'It's embarrassing getting a gold disc,' says Neil. 'It's like getting a disc for not selling any records.' T h e conversation drifts 011 to the subject of Chris's parents and the w a y they have still not mentioned the events of The Tonight Show. 'It's literally unbelievable,' says N e i l . 'You could be a serial killer and they'd visit y o u in prison and they simply wouldn't mention it. I quite admire that. It's that there's n o t h i n g to profit from saying anything.' Ivan reports on the merchandisers. As penance for sneakily substituting inferior-quality T-shirts they've been forced to reduce their prices tonight w h i l e maintaining the Pet Shop Boys' cut. 'You don't ever substitute,' fumes Ivan. 'It's the oldest trick in the book. It's kids' stuff and w h e n people do that kind of shit y o u ' v e got to hurt them and let them know, and the way to hurt these people is financially.' A r m a runs d o w n negotiations with E M I . T h e feeling is that they are still not t o o c o m m i t t e d to ' . . . S t r e e t s . . . ' In America it is very difficult to have a big hit w i t h o u t full record company commitment. 'I think we should ask why, in terms of E M I , the Pet Shop Boys toured A m e r i c a , ' says N e i l . 'It was E M I ' s idea in the first place.' 'You're really just a hit away from multi-platinum status,' A r m a consoles them. A r m a asks about doing some promotion t o m o r r o w in Montreal. ' I ' m doing nothing,' says Chris. ' W e decided yesterday diat we should never do televised interviews because we're too old and ugly.' A r m a persists, saying they should at least visit Musique Plus, a music TV station. 'I'm just not into it any more,' says Chris. 'It's easier to say no. just Say N o : that's my slogan for the tour.'

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T h i s is t h e c u l m i n a t i o n of C h r i s ' s f u r y at n o t b e i n g consulted a b o u t s u c h i n t e r v i e w s until after it's t o o late to cancel t h e m . ' W h a t tends to h a p p e n , ' agrees N e i l , 'is that they c o m c to me and I say, " A s k C h r i s " , and t h e y d o n ' t . ' ' B e c a u s e t h e y ' r e afraid o f C h r i s , ' points o u t A r m a . ' B u t it's n o t m y fault i f t h e y ' r e afraid o f C h r i s , ' says N e i l . ' T h i s is the least i n t e r v i e w s I've seen on a tour,' A r m a declares, c h a n g i n g tack. 'Exactly,' says C h r i s . 'It's a holiday. Pet S h o p B o y s on holiday.' ' T e n minutes!' says A l a n . 'It's fifteen,' proclaims N e i l . 'It's w h e n w e decide,' mutters C h r i s . I w a n d e r r o u n d d u r i n g the first half of the p e r f o r m a n c e . J.J. is p l a y i n g in half-light totally backstage. I l o o k at the set-list at his feet. A f t e r the final encore, ' Y o u r F u n n y U n c l e ' , he has w r i t t e n , as t h o u g h it w e r e the n e x t song, ' H o t e l Bar'. Halftime: ' W h e r e is W i g g s y ? ' frets C h r i s . ' H e ' s slipping up.' Pause. ' W h e r e are my goggles?' he barks. ' " W h e r e are my g o g g l e s ? " he barked,' says N e i l . 'Banana! Y o u ' v e f o r g o t t e n the banana!' says C h r i s . ' I ' m n o t h a v i n g it t o n i g h t , ' says N e i l . T h e y go b a c k out. D u r i n g ' S o H a r d ' - as, spookily, C h r i s had predicted three w e e k s b e f o r e - s o m e fans g e t o u t umbrellas to m a t c h those on-stage. Backstage: N e i l sings ' M a d D o g s and E n g l i s h m e n ' then fiddles w i t h his contact lenses. ' Y o u s h o u l d n ' t have bad eyesight,' suggests C h r i s . ' C h r i s , 1 can't help b e i n g disabled,' N e i l replies. 'Well,' says C h r i s , ' w h y did y o u c h o o s e to have bad eyesight?' 'It was a m e a n s of d r a w i n g attention to myself,' N e i l bluffs back. ' S u b consciously 1 w a n t e d to be different.' C h r i s n o t i c e d for the first time t o n i g h t h o w N e i l takes his applause before l y i n g d o w n at the end. 'I didn't k n o w y o u did a b o w , ' he teases. 'It's really funny.' ' M y nauseating b o w , ' mutters N e i l .

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Steve, the man f r o m E M I , runs t h r o u g h t o m o r r o w ' s i n t e r v i e w s w i t h C h r i s . H e wishes h e hadn't. ' I ' m n o t d o i n g any p r o m o t i o n , ' says C h r i s . ' O h , ' he says. 'Tvan said it w o u l d n ' t be a p r o b l e m . ' ' W e l l , he d i d n ' t ask m e , ' says C h r i s . A f e w minutes later I hear N e i l saying, ' C h r i s gets pissed because no o n e ever asks h i m anything. It k i n d of happens a lot and it drives me m a d . . . ' W h e n h e leaves Steve cheerily pipes, ' S e e y o u t o m o r r o w ! ' ' T h e y ' r e n o t seeing m e t o m o r r o w , ' says C h r i s . C h r i s signs s o m e autographs o u t back, w h i l e N e i l is still d a w d l i n g inside. ' W h e r e ' s N e i l ? ' s o m e o n e asks. ' H e ' s h i d i n g , ' says C h r i s . ' H e j u s t can't facc the fans. H e ' s b e c o m e v e r y insular.' A f e w seconds later, of course, N e i l j o i n s h i m . In the bus, d r i v i n g o v e r n i g h t to M o n t r e a l , C h r i s puts on This is Spinal Tap. ' T h e m i n u t e m y back i s turned!' exclaims N e i l , w h o has b a n n e d i t f r o m b e i n g w a t c h e d on the tour so far, on the g r o u n d s that it is a little t o o close to the truth and a bad influence. A f t e r the first ten minutes, and several exclamations that 'it's just like us', he says, 'I find it t o o depressing.' A f t e r a w h i l e A r m a appears f r o m the b a c k of the bus and asks, a little t o o anxiously, ' H a v e they fired the m a n a g e r yet?' T h e n Spinal Tap start talking a b o u t their p l a n n e d musical and C h r i s hoots, ' N e i l ! N e i l ! ' ' T h a t depressed me as usual,' says N e i l o n c e it's over. ' W h y ? ' asks C h r i s . 'I d o n ' t like the w a y they go d o w n the pan,' he answers. ' A n d all that " B o s t o n isn't a b i g c o l l e g e t o w n " i s j u s t . . . t o o depressing.' Arid t o o m u c h , h e doesn't say, like the k e e p - s m i l i n g rationalizations that die A m e r i c a n record industry has b e e n tossing their w a y for the last m o n t h . He pours s o m e c h a m p a g n e - 'this is rock'n'roll, right?' - then, o n c e he's sure A r m a isn't in earshot, says, 'I was embarrassed w a t c h i n g it in front of A r m a . T h e r e ' s a classic m a n a g e r bit...' T h e y q u i z Ivan about w h e t h e r h e c o m m i t t e d t h e m t o these i n t e r v i e w s tomorrow. ' D i d y o u tell h i m it'd be all right?' asks N e i l . 'I said, " W r i t e it d o w n on a p i e c e of p a p e r , " ' says Ivan. 'It's n o t my place to c o n f i r m it.'

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' T h e y n e e d to be taught a lesson o n c e and for all,' says C h r i s . N o w they are c a u g h t i n the classic b i n d w h i c h the rccord c o m p a n y relies u p o n . I f they d o n ' t d o the i n t e r v i e w s they w o n ' t j u s t n o t p r o m o t e themselves, it will have a negative effect. T h e y w i l l be the Pet S h o p B o y s , the g r o u p w h o cancelled an i n t e r v i e w they h a d a g r e e d to. 'I think it was a g o o d idea to do Musique Plus,' suggests N e i l . 'It was a g o o d idea,' agrees C h r i s , 'but I ' m n o t d o i n g a n y t h i n g n o w . ' 'It's c u t t i n g o f f y o u r nose t o spite y o u r face,' N e i l objects. ' Y e a h , ' accepts C h r i s , ' b u t t h e y ' v e g o t to learn. T h e first I hear a b o u t s o m e t h i n g can't be w h e n he says h e ' l l m e e t us at the airport to go do it.'

T o r o n t o Star, 15 April,

'Neil 'lennant, the talent behind Pet Shop Boys.':

Now, there goes a clever boy. And there goes mother who's not clever at all .. . The British techno-poppers showed that Tennant is the talent behind all the studio artistry, while Lowe is simply the 's' that makes Pet Shop Boys plural rather than singular . . . Lowe appeared as little more than a roadie who had forgotten to exit the stage .. . Lowe acted more as prop than performer ... At all times Tennant displayed a strong sense of showmanship, which he must have picked up during his days as a rock journalist. . . But one shouldn't take Lowe or the Pet Shop Boys too seriously, as they surely don't take themselves.

Monday, 15 April

True to his w o r d , Chris refuses to do the scheduled interviews. B u t the Pet S h o p B o y s are expected, and tonight's show is far from sold out, so N e i l sets out to do them alone, w i t h A r m a , Pennie and myself in tow. In the car the talk is of w h e t h e r Chris will even turn up for the performance. A r m a telephones D a i n t o n and instructs h i m 'to make sure Chris gets to the gig'. ' D o we have an official reason w h y C h r i s isn't here?' wonders Neil. ' H e was feeling faint,' says A r m a with the authority of s o m e o n e w h o has to paper over far bigger cracks than this. ' H e has taken a drug overdose,' suggests Neil, 'and he's having his stomach pumped.' ' H e has an intense dislike for French Canadians,' laughs Arma. ' S o m e h o w , ' he adds, 'I've g o t a funny feeling y o u ' v e played this m o v i e out before.' 'I've never appeared 011 TV alone before,' N e i l points out. ' E x c e p t for the Johnny Carson show,' Pennie chips in. 'Yes,' he concedes, 'but we started out together.' ' T h e video goes to M T V today,' he tells Neil. 'We find o u t h o w much they hate it,' says N e i l . We pull up outside Musique Plus. ' O o o h , ' says Neil, 'nous sommes arrives.' He is seated in the middle of the open-plan office and interviewed live. 'Actually,' he tells Canada, 'he's not feeling w e l l . . . but he'll be there. He's a professional.' A n d then the usual 'it's so far removed from a rock show it's not even in the same ball park . . . ' and so on. T h e y play the ' B e i n g B o r i n g ' video. ' A r m a , ' says N e i l , 'this v i d e o is t o o g o o d not to be played on M T V . ' T h e y have refused it because of the nudity. 'This is such a g o o d record - it's a classic.' We head off. 'All the tickets we sell over w h a t w e ' v e sold now,' N e i l tells Arma, 'I want Chris's share of the money, because I've sold them.' 'I doubt Chris will see it that way,' suggests A r m a . ' A r m a , ' teases N e i l , 'as o u r manager y o u ' v e got to tell him.' We arrive at dance music radio station C K M F and N e i l is interviewed: 'A

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lot of o u r songs aren't a b o u t the happiest things, t h e y ' r e a b o u t real life; falling i n love; b e i n g disappointed; m a k i n g m o n e y ; suffering; w o r k i n g ; b e i n g happy . . . in Japan we had a r e v i e w that said wc w e r e b e i n g b o r i n g and we t h o u g h t it was f u n n y and I just started singing " w e w e r e never b e i n g b o r i n g " . . . W e set o u t t o d o s o m e t h i n g totally different, and it's k i n d o f n e r v e - r a c k i n g : they m i g h t hate it. B u t it's b e e n a thrilling and m o v i n g e x p e r i e n c e . . . ' A f t e r w a r d s A r m a fills N e i l i n o n the latest E M I discussions. ' T h e y w e r e asking me if they can schedule the greatest hits. I said y o u can't schedule it until there's a hit attached to it.' ' T h a t ' s g o o d , ' says N e i l . C h r i s is w a i t i n g w h e n we arrive at the i c e - r i n k w h e r e the c o n c e r t w i l l be. He doesn't like M o n t r e a l . E v e r y o n e speaking in F r e n c h . '1 speak in the broadest n o r t h e r n accent possible,' he says. S o m e C o c a - C o l a banners are up in the hall. T h e r e is the usual fuss. ' A r m a ! H a v e y o u seen this?' says C h r i s . A r m a w i n c e s . 'I t h i n k this is probably the same as R a d i o C i t y - s o m e o n e presents all their s h o w s . ' 'It l o o k s as t h o u g h the Pet S h o p B o y s are e n d o r s i n g C o c a - C o l a , ' Pennie accurately points out. ' E v e r y m a j o r p r o m o t e r is tied in w i t h a sponsor,' d e m u r s A r m a . 'It doesn't s e e m right that we d o n ' t get any m o n e y , ' says C h r i s . ' T h i s i s the d o d g y n e w b o l l o c k s , ' huffs N e i l . ' W e s h o u l d also get a sponsor,' A r m a o n c e m o r e suggests, hopefully. ' O r n o t g e t a sponsor,' adds C h r i s . ' W e always said we w o u l d n ' t . ' ' I d o u b t w h e t h e r y o u r fans k n o w a b o u t y o u r position o n it,' hints A r m a . ' H a v e y o u read the i n t e r v i e w ? ' laughs N e i l , p i c k i n g up a n e w i n t e r v i e w in the Montreal Mirror in w h i c h he e x p l i c i d y trashes and c o n d e m n s c o r p o r a t e sponsorship in p o p music. ' Y o u didn't?' says A r m a , laughing. He reads it. In it N e i l says, ' W e have no sponsorship. O u r s h o w i s total c o n t e n t . W h e n s o m e o n e c o m e s t o o u r show, they enter o u r universe. I f y o u g o t o see M i c h a e l Jackson, y o u d o n ' t enter M i c h a e l Jackson's universe. Y o u enter P e p s i - C o l a ' s universe. It's like e n t e r i n g a b i g o f f i c e - b u i l d i n g . I t h i n k it's destroying music.' ' W e l l , ' sighs A r m a , 'so m u c h f o r corporate sponsorship.' He thinks a m o m e n t l o n g e r . ' H a v e y o u ever contradicted y o u r s e l f in this career?' ' M o s t of w h a t we do is a contradiction,' says N e i l . ' W e ' v e n e v e r b e e n consistent.'

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C h r i s is a n n o y e d e n o u g h to go to Ivan. He wants an a n n o u n c e m e n t disassociating the Pet S h o p B o y s f r o m C o c a - C o l a . Ivan says it's n o t possible — the p r o m o t e r is n e v e r g o i n g to risk a n n o y i n g C o c a - C o l a like that f o r just o n e concert. ' T h e y ' r e slippery bastards,' C h r i s fumes. ' I ' m n e v e r g o i n g t o drink C o c a C o l a again.' H i s f u r y rises. ' O r Pepsi.' In the v e n u e restaurant the conversation w i n d s on and, just as they are deep w i t h i n a bizarre discussion a b o u t w h e t h e r it w o u l d be g o o d for M a d o n n a to be a man f o r a year, R o b b i e appears. ' T h e y ' r e c o m i n g in really slowly,' he says, ' n o t that there's m a n y to c o m e in.' ' R o b b i e ! T h e r e ' s n o n e e d t o p u t i t like that!' says N e i l . T h e n h e turns t o C h r i s and says, 'Let's n o t d o the w h o l e s h o w t o n i g h t . ' ' W e c o u l d miss " M y O c t o b e r S y m p h o n y " , ' C h r i s suggests. '1 Hke that,' agrees N e d . ' W h y n o t c u t the w h o l e first half?' T h e y pretend t o d e c i d e that f r o m n o w o n they w i l l c u t the s h o w a c c o r d i n g to h o w full the hall is. T i c k e t sales are w o r s t in n o r t h e r n Italy. 'In M U a n , ' sighs N e d , 'they'll g e t t w o and a half songs.' T h e y r e t u r n to the dressing-room — a drab ice h o c k e y c h a n g i n g - r o o m w i t h b e n c h e s and an old sofa. 'I w a n t y o u to take a g o o d l o o k at this place,' says A r m a , 'because y o u ' l l never have to play s o m e w h e r e like this again.' 1 ask t h e m s o m e questions: T w o years a g o y o u said that f o r p o p stars t o s u c c e e d i n A m e r i c a w h a t they do has to r e d u c e into o n e very simple message. W h e r e d o c s diat leave y o u n o w ? N e d : 'I d u n k they have r e d u c e d us to a v e r y simple message, w h i c h is " t h e y ' r e kinda s i c k " . ' W h y d o y o u w a n t t o b e successful i n A m e r i c a ? N e d : ' W h y d o y o u w a n t t o b e successful a n y w h e r e ? I t personally irritates m e w h e n a r e c o r d that o u g h t to be p o p u l a r isn't. I d o n ' t like s o m e o n e t h i n k i n g that s o m e o n e else's record is better than m i n e . ' C h r i s : 'I d o n ' t m i n d us n o t b e i n g successful; it's o t h e r p e o p l e ' s success I d o n ' t like. It really annoys me w h e n loads of p e o p l e like the same record, and the r e c o r d is crap.' Were y o u dreading this t o u r b e f o r e it began?

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Chris: 'I can't remember what I thought. (Looks at Neil.) Was I looking forward to it or what? I probably wasn't. 1 was probably dragging my feet, c o m plaining to everyone, asking w h y we were doing it.' Neil: 'I was apprehensive, but then I'm apprehensive about most things.' Do you think your reviews here have been accurate? Chris: '1 don't know.' Neil: 'Well, I don't think it would be possible for us to carry o f f the show if we were a one hundred per cent totally charisma-firee zone.' W h y do you think you're not more popular in America? Chris: 'We're too good.' Halftone: 'I'm quite enjoying this for some reason,' muses Neil. 'They're very happy and positive.' It is n o w that Neil chooses to express unhappiness about their leather outfits. 'You've got better trousers than me,' he sulks, 'and better boots.' 'You chose them,' says Chris. ' N o , ' replies Neil, 'I agreed to them. It's different.' 'You should put a banana and two lemons d o w n your trousers,' suggests Chris, 'to make it more realistic.' Just before they go Chris is arguing, 'I don't like Q. I don't like C D s . It's too consumerist.' Neil stares at him, and, for a moment, is too affronted to speak. 'ChrisV he scolds, 'that is my spiel.' At the end of the stage N e i l says, 'Nous sommes les Pet Shop Boys.' 'He'll do anything for a f e w extra sales,' says Chris afterwards. He refuses Dainton's offer of champagne. '1 don't want champagne any more. I want beer. It's a working man's drink.' In the bus Chris whispers, 'Nous sommes les Pet Shop Boys.' 'AH right, that's enough from you, Lowe,' says Neil. We eat at Z e n , a Chinese restaurant beneath our hotel. 'I'd like to congratulate someone,' says Chris, raising his glass. ' M e . ' 'I'd like to congratulate me,' challenges Neil, 'for delivering five hundred people.' Five hundred more people bought tickets today. T h e n they have a real toast.

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'Tap i n t o A m e r i c a ! ' says N e i l . ' Y o u ' r e the o n l y p e o p l e I k n o w , ' says Ivan, ' w h o c a n call a tour successful w h e n it's lost $500,000.' C h r i s accuses N e i l o f using a n A m e r i c a n a c c e n t w h e n singing ' Y o u r F u n n y U n c l e ' on-stage. N e i l disputes this. ' I ' m j u s t saying w h a t y o u did,' insists C h r i s . 'I d i d n ' t . ' 'I w o u l d n ' t have said y o u did, if y o u d i d n ' t . ' ' Y o u t h o u g h t I did, but I d i d n ' t . ' ' Y o u did.' A n d so on.

Gazette, Montreal, 16 April,

'Pet Shop Boys camp out':

Ludicrous . . . Tennant's vocals, which he would readily admit are close to Al Stewart's, were deadpan and dead on ... Hey, show biz, it's their lives, babe.

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Epilogue, April 1993

T h e Pet Shop Boys' 1991 tour continued successfully throughout Europe (in Britain they finally relented and added ' B e i n g B o r i n g ' as an encore), but ' W h e r e the Streets Have No N a m e . . . ' was not an A m e r i c a n hit and they did not return to play the sheds. T h e i r greatest hits album was released in N o v e m b e r 199т, eventually titled Discography. It was preceded by a single, 'DJ Culture', based around the idea N e i l had c o m e up w i t h in A m e r i c a . A f t e r the tour Dave Cicero, the Scottish artist signed to their Spaghetti record label, began releasing records w i t h varying degrees of success. 'Love is E v e r y w h e r e ' , one of the songs they listened to in the back of the limousine in Miami, reached the top 20. T h e y also signed Trevor and M a r k as a rap d u o to Spaghetti under the name Iggnorance, and the two of them recorded an album for release in 1993. T h e y continued to use Sylvia on various projects, t h o u g h in 1992 she f o u n d greater temporary fame duetting w i t h actor Jimmy N a i l on his n u m b e r - o n e hit single 'Ain't No D o u b t ' . Likewise Katie Puckrik began to get the attention she desired as one of the hosts on the ramshackle British Friday night TV show The Word. Jay L e n o took over the reins of The Tonight Show as planned, t h o u g h , f o l l o w i n g worries about the w o r k i n g practices and success of his n e w regime, Helen Kushnick was subsequendy ousted from the show. Sal Licata is no longer head o f E M I . Naturally the Pet Shop B o y s themselves did not split up and, at the time of writing, are completing a n e w album for release in the autumn of 1993. T h e y have no plans to tour again in the near future.

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List of Photographs

C o v e r : Pet S h o p B o y s by the train tracks, Salt

Pages 34—5: a scene from the show prologue;

Lake City.

N o e l holds a weighcy tome.

Page 4 (top): C h r i s L o w e , arriving by train,

Page 36: Scenes from 'This Must Be T h e Place

Boston.

I Waited Years To Leave'; C h r i s brandishes an apple and the dancers nearly spell out J E S U S SAVES

Page 4 (bottom): N e i l Tennant, arriving by limousine at the Universal Amphitheater, Los Angeles.

Page 37: Scenes from 'It's A Sin'; Pet S h o p B o y s are tormented by various demons.

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