Outfox the Kids for Fun and Profit : Pearls of Wisdom [1 ed.] 9781605571508, 9780595434381

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OUTFOX THE KIDS FOR FUN AND PROFIT Pearls of Wisdom from the Klamm (How to Make Parenting Fun)

by R. W. KLAMM

Copyright © 2007 by R.W. Klamm All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the permission in writing from the publisher. Illustrations Copyright © 2007 by Athena Stringfellow ISBN: 978-0595434381 Printed in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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DEDICATION My thanks to a wonderful family extended. In my memory it spans more than a century. A special thanks to my wife Berniece. Without her input and careful attention to detail, this book would not have been possible.

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It is fun to watch your children grow into responsible, productive adults. It can profit you much joy to know you have had an important part in the doing. Outfox the Kids for Fun and Profit by R. W. (Bob) Klamm can help you increase both the fun and the profit. Mr. Klamm, a master high school teacher for 20 years, and an award-winning author, has mentored children of all ages for over fifty years. He and his wife, Berniece, have guided their two sons through the hippie hazards of the sixties, the unrest of the seventies, and into the uncertainties of the eighties to establish stable, loving family relationships of their own. In Outfox the Kids for Fun and Profit, he shares his experiences in these entertaining, sometimes humorous true stories, fables, fractured fairy tales, and parables. All are little gems of wisdom … pearls from the Klamm to help you with your little gems of joy. What a wonderful treasure to share with a spouse, or those new young parents down the street!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

R. W. Klamm was born in Kansas City, Kansas, didn’t know he was nearly blind until he was eight years old. Graduated Northwestern University; University Missouri KC; Twenty–year master high school–teacher; seventeen– year mentor–founder, youth magic club. Award–winning author. Comedy performer of magic for nearly seventy years.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS Try on this string of pearls for size. INTRODUCTION LITTLE PEARL 1 WHOSE LIFE IS IT, ANYWAY? LITTLE PEARL 2 THE BLAME GAME LITTLE PEARL 3 WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET LITTLE PEARL 4 LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON LITTLE PEARL 5 TEAGAN AND THE BIG SOX LITTLE PEARL 6 A CONTINUING TALE OF TEGAN LITTLE PEARL 7 TEAGAN AND THE TRICYCLE LITTLE PEARL 8 TEAGAN’S FRIENDS LITTLE PEARL 9 LITTLE FAILURES, BIG SUCCESSES LITTLE PEARL 10 ON SPANKING LITTLE PEARL 11 SPILLED MILK LITTLE PEARL 12 THE WISDOM OF CHILDREN LITTLE PEARL 13 CHOICES LITTLE PEARL 14 JOE’S STORY LITTLE PEARL 15 TAG! WHO’S “IT”? LITTLE PEARL 16 THE THREE BAIRDS LITTLE PEARL 17 THE AMERICAN WAY LITTLE PEARL 18 GROWING UP WITH BILLY

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LITTLE PEARL 19 CINDERELLA AND THE CASTLE BALL LITTLE PEARL 20 DOLLARS, DESIRES, AND BROKEN DREAMS LITTLE PEARL 21 MORE ABOUT MONEY LITTLE PEARL 22 WHO SAYS I’M EQUAL? LITTLE PEARL 23 WHAT YOUR KIDS WANT TO KNOW ABOUT SEX, BUT YOU ARE AFRAID TO TELL THEM LITTLE PEARL 24 JELLY BEANS! LITTLE PEARL 25 A TASTY FAMILY FEAST! LITTLE PEARL 26 WHAT DOES GOD LOOK LIKE? LITTLE PEARL 27 BUDDIES AND FRIENDS LITTLE PEARL 28 TEAGAN AND THE FEARSOME FOURS LITTLE PEARL 29 SELF RELIANCE LITTLE PEARL 30 LIFE MUST GO ON LITTLE PEARL 31 GOD’S FLOWER GARDEN LITTLE PEARL 32 ANOTHER MAN’S ROAD AFTERWORD ABOUT THE AUTHOR FURTHER READING

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INTRODUCTION There is a story, oft’ told, illustrating the wisdom of the great and ancient King Solomon. He was holding court one day when two women, both harlots, both having recently given birth, approached him. Their intent was for him to judge who was the proper mother of an infant, which they carried between them. In her sleep, one woman had accidentally smothered her own infant. Then she had stolen the other child. In order to decide who was the real mother, the king called for his sword. “I shall divide the child in two,” said the king. “Each of you shall share equally.” At these words, one of the mothers smiled in smug agreement. The other shrieked in horror, and cried out, “Oh, please, do not kill the child. Give him to the other, if you must, but spare the child.” Hearing this, there was no doubt in the mind of the king. He gently tendered the child to the mother who had cried out. It is easy to see why the real mother would be willing to give up the child to save his life. It is difficult to understand the motivation of the other. Did she have some desperate need to win, to be right, to ease her anger, or guilt for having accidentally caused the death of her own child? Was it important for her to please the king by agreeing with him? Whatever the reason, her concern was all for herself, and none for the child. It seems inconceivable that any reason could supersede the life and welfare of a defenseless child, yet it happens every day. Fierce need to survive in poor circumstances; the desire to be right in a messy divorce, custody battle or bitter argument; the urge to win in business or at little league; anger and guilt, whether at self, spouse or outsiders; a desperate need to be loved, or to be in control; the list could go on and on. These concerns are all about the desires of the parents. They have nothing to do with the needs of children. Yet, they all take their disastrous toll on

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the safety, security, healthy mental growth, and even the very life of today’s youngsters. If we could but keep our own concerns out of it and concentrate on a few basic principles, parenting would be so much easier. Some of these principles are listed below. 1. Good parenting is all about helping the child. It has nothing to do with the parent’s wants and needs. No matter how cute, cuddly, distressing, or obnoxious, it is not the child’s job to please the parent. It is the parent’s job to nurture the child. 2. A good parent is not a friend. He is a firm, consistent source of support that is always dependable. Despite what children may tell us; no matter how much they may protest against it; no matter whether tyke or teen, children want, need, and expect us to provide consistent limits and firm direction. 3. Children are far more capable than we give them credit for being. They need to be encouraged to do for themselves as much as possible. A good parent is one who becomes less and less needed with each passing day. 4. Children will pretty much live up to what you expect of them, but respond poorly if you make unreasonable demands. Expect, even require the best, but do not be demanding and overbearing about it. 5. Children are great imitators. If you see something in them that you do not like, look unto thyself. If you see something that you do like, enjoy the compliment. 6. Children are human. Regardless of age or abilities, their individual thoughts, ideas, and physical being need to be treated with the

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same courtesy and respect you would show to any adult. None of these stories are meant to stand completely alone. Taken separately, an individual story may be true enough, but distort the over all picture. For example, many stories emphasize giving more freedom to children. Yet, too much freedom can produce anarchy and disrespect. Those stories dealing with encouraging independence, creativity, and freedom need to be weighed against those stories dealing with the need to require respect and to set firm limits. To complicate matters further, each story explores not just one, but several of these basic principles. For these and other reasons listed below, my editors wring their hands in despair over the organization of this book. They would have me revise these short essays into neat little textbook lessons with sidebars and boxes. As I think of it, I believe that they would also prefer that all those stories dealing with freedom could be lumped together, separated from those dealing with discipline. Unfortunately for such organization, children do not fall into neat little categories. They do not do well being raised by pre-ordained rules or formulas. To organize this book in the usual formal manner would destroy the charm of each Little Pearl. It would also obscure principles that are secondary to the main theme. Additionally, many Little Pearls show how a particular principle relates to both youth and toddlers. Sometimes a certain principle is better illustrated with a fable; sometimes a true story makes the point more vivid. A particular stumbling block for the editors is the way the series of Teagan stories slide from fantasy into reality. The first in the series, while true, is treated in a fantasy-like manner. The second story is treated in a more realistic way. Perhaps this shift may be a little disturbing to some readers, but it clearly illustrates what is the very nature of childhood. Children frequently make these kinds of sudden shifts between fantasy and reality, as they search out the differences between what is true and what is makebelieve.

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When I taught the eight grade for a year, I was made quite aware of this fact. One moment they expected me to treat them like fully grown adults. At almost the same identical moment in time, they wanted to be treated as children. This dichotomy is more pronounced in eighth graders, but is present at all ages. As adults, have we not all felt angered when someone told us exactly how to do a certain thing? Then at the same time we wished that they would relieve us of the responsibility of deciding what to do. I would hope that the arrangement of stories in this book would make parents more aware of these shifts. We have intermingled fact with fiction and reality with makebelieve, to keep it interesting and mimic the flights of childhood. Nevertheless, the organization of this book is not helter-skelter or at random. We start with stories—including the one that opens this introduction—emphasizing the need for parents to examine their own motives. As side themes in these stories, there are implied suggestions as to the best ways to treat children. Then we blend into stories that deal primarily with child guidance and specific matters such as sex, peer pressures, money matters, problem situations, and more. All the while, we have tucked in little reminders to parents to keep their own feelings and desires out of the mix. We urge you to read and re-read these stories. Read them first for sheer enjoyment. Then re-read them in exploration. Skip around and weigh one story against another. Each story is loaded with examples of the several principles explained in this introduction. See if you can identify how many of each of the six principles is at issue in each story. Finally, string all of your understandings together in your own way. Make your own string of pearls. Only then will you take them to your heart. Use them in earnest to help your little gems of joy grow into the dazzling adults you know they can become. Just one final reminder: first, foremost, and forever, it is what is best for the child that is important, not whether it makes you feel good or bad.

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LITTLE PEARL 1 WHOSE LIFE IS IT, ANYWAY?

No man can reach Heaven by another man’s road.— Mark Twain Once upon a time Elsie Goose and Douglas Duck got married. Living on a shoestring, they rented a nest left over from an evicted chicken. There were even two chicken eggs left in the nest, ready to hatch. Elsie had always wanted to be a graceful swan, instead of the plain goose she believed herself to be. When one of the eggs hatched out as a cute little chick, Elsie saw her chance. She took Judy chick to dancing school, and modeling school, and acting school. Naturally Judy Chick wanted to please her mother. Judy spent so much time trying

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to be a gorgeous swan on the outside, that it left little time to become anything but a silly goose on the inside. She wasn’t exactly sure whether she was a goose, a swan, or a cute little chick. She was very, very confused. A strutting young cock walked in and found her fair game, carried her off, dropped her shortly after, and left her as easy prey to a sly old fox in the woods. When the other egg hatched out as Johnny Chick, Douglas Duck looked forward to his son becoming a great swimmer, just like his old man. Unfortunately, Johnny was a chick and not a duck. Quite naturally, he was afraid of water. He tried desperately to please his father in many other ways. He learned to waddle like a duck; grew a bright red comb; learned to crow as beautifully as an opera singer, but he was still afraid of water. “You are just a good-for-nothing, yellow chicken.” goaded Douglas. “I cannot deny my own nature!” Johnny shouted. “Well you walk like a duck, you talk like a duck. You must be a duck. If you are not a duck, then you are not my son, and there is no place for you in my coop!” “All right! All right!” cried Johnny. “I’ll try!” With that, Johnny jumped into the lake, tried to swim, soon got in over his head, and that was the end of that. You will get farther, faster, if you trust your kid’s road map instead of your own.

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LITTLE PEARL 2 THE BLAME GAME

You look a lot smarter to young eyes, when you own up to your own dumbness. I recently heard about a youngster who was a little too rambunctious in a grocery store. To keep him occupied while she was shopping, the mother had allowed him to drive his little pedal car up and down the aisles of the store. It was not a good idea. She did not consider the fact that someone so young would not have the same skills she did in maneuvering a vehicle. Rounding a corner at the end of an aisle, he knocked over a large freestanding display. A clerk quickly arrived on the scene and calmly commented, “My goodness, it looks like I have a problem.” The little tyke was beside himself. His lower lip was trembling and tears were welling in his eyes.

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“Will you help me with my problem?” asked the clerk. The little one set to work at once helping to restack the display, more than willing to help correct the trouble he had caused. When the mother heard the crash, she came running from the other end of the store. Embarrassed about what the child’s misjudgment said about her, angry at herself for allowing the child out of her sight, and probably aware of her own misjudgment in allowing the little car into the store, she was ready to unload all of her own self anger at others. If her son had not been so careless, there would have been no problem. If the store had not put the display there, the accident would not have happened. Her emotional involvement made it impossible for her to see her own part in creating the problem. Mom needed to become aware, just as we all do, that any problem has many causes. It is quite likely that we may be a part of the cause. It is so normal to blame others first. Once we separate the causes and claim our part, then it is easier to figure out solutions, and not so easy to heap our own feelings of guilt, blame, and frustration on unsuspecting little shoulders. Nobody spots a phony quicker than a child.

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LITTLE PEARL 3 WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET

Each child is a unique human being, just waiting to be discovered and appreciated. I once knew a teacher who would spend hours checking out the past records of each and every student in her new classes. She was very conscientious. If the search determined that a student had a low IQ, she was gentle on the poor soul. If the student had a high IQ, she would push him too his limit. She braced herself against possible problems whenever she noted evidence of a likely troublemaker. As might be predicted, her expectations always came true. The slow ones plodded on, the bright ones resented being pushed, and the troublemaker dutifully acted as expected.

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In dealing with the same students, my poor eyes saved me from this pitfall. I simply could not see well enough to check the records. To be safe, I had to treat everyone as equal. The result was that the students, which my colleague had tagged as slow, began to blossom. Since it appeared to them that I believed they were capable, they believed it, too. When a faster student accomplished a particularly spectacular achievement, my delight and surprise encouraged him to reach for even greater heights. The troublemaker often turned out to be only a freethinker that did not like regimentation. He just needed direction to harness his creativity and energies. It is all too easy for parents to fall into the trap of preconceived notions. We try, as long as possible, to keep our children as the cute, cuddly, innocent children they were a year, a week, or even a few days ago. It is hard to see them as emerging adults. With the best of intentions we overcontrol, over-protect, order about, unconsciously talk down, and expect less than we should. Then, suddenly they are physically grown. Since they look adult, we expect them to display the judgment, understanding, and emotional maturity of adults with years more of experience. Taking a cue from us, and with a brain still in development, they begin to believe this of themselves. This is a volatile combination that can produce disastrous results. Toddlers are often more capable then they look. Teens need more support than they care to admit. Look beneath the surface for the little soul within. What you see there is what you get, and it is well worth the search.

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LITTLE PEARL 4 LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

There is always more than one way to look at a thing. I was shocked when I heard a secret recording, which I had made of my wife and myself and our two boys, at the dinner table. I thought I heard my long deceased father speaking on the tape. It surely could not have been him! He had died years before. It was definitely not me. The pitch of my voice is different than that which was on the recording. Then I recognized some of the conversation and realized that it was my oldest son. It was a real revelation, because my son had never known my father or heard him speak. My son could only have imitated my father by hearing him speak through me. What is even more shocking to me is the fact that,

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throughout most of my life, I have tried diligently to avoid being anything like my father in any way. Children are great imitators. It is one of the major ways in which they learn. They will imitate the way you walk, talk, think, feel, and stand. They will imitate in ways that will please you and they will imitate you in ways that will utterly distress you. Even scarier, they will imitate you when you least expect it. I did not like it when my adult son would shout and try to intimidate my wife or me. It was disrespectful and absolutely disgraceful behavior! Somewhat hesitantly, and in private, my wife said to me, “He acts exactly like you. Neither one of you will listen to the other.” It is the way my own father used to treat me. He had also learned it from his father. To paraphrase a very good book, “The sins of the father shall be visited even unto the third and fourth generation” Holy Bible Exodus 20:5 Only then, did I realize that he was simply imitating the continuing disrespect I had shown to him—yes, and even to my wife. The only way I could break the cycle was to change myself. At the very least, I could be more understanding and patient with us both. Now, I apologize to my son when I fly off the handle. Then I try to understand his point of view and stop trying to champion my own. The difference is remarkable! The anger between us has dissolved and he makes a sincere effort to understand my point of view. He willingly grants me the respect I have earned, instead of grudgingly giving me the respect I used to try to demand. It is a nice feeling to know that my son thinks I’m almost as smart as he is. None of us can change others. We can only change ourselves.

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LITTLE PEARL 5 TEAGAN AND THE BIG SOX

It is so easy to accentuate the negative and forget saying anything positive. Once upon a time there was a cute, cuddly little she-bear by the name of Teagan. She loved to let her tiny two-year-old toes roam around in papa’s big shoes. In mama’s fancy shoes, she was Cinderella at the ball. When someone gave her a pair of bright red boots with fur-lined tops, they became absolutely glued on. They positively would not come off, not even for bedtime. Then Teagan found a pair of magic sox lying on the floor in mama’s room. They were almost all red, almost nearly all over. Even the big toe was red. But the main magic was in the toes. Each was a separate little jewel of color all to itself: mellow yellow, royal purple, glowing emerald green, and a little gem of deep blue. Teagan could not wait to try them on, but at two years old you need a lot of help. With one sock dangling from each hand, Teagan went into the kitchen and held them up for Mama Bear to see.

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“Muggle gumble, mmmm, ahble.” At just barely two years old, you know what you know, but no one else does, because you do not quite know how to tell them. It is very frustrating. ”No, Teagan. I can’t help you now. Company is coming.” Now, at this point, Mama Bear might just as easily have added, “Go away. Don’t bother me, now.” Mama Bear might also have said, “What are you doing with those sox? Those are mine. Put them right back where you found them.” Mama Bear could also have said, “Those sox won’t fit you. Don’t be so stupid.” But she did not say anything like that. Instead, Mama Bear simply said, “If you want them on, you’ll just have to do it yourself.” Since Mama Bear seemed to believe that Teagan was perfectly capable of doing it all by herself, then Teagan thought it certainly must be true. And so she did it! When Grandma and Grandpa Bear arrived, Teagan climbed up next to Grandpa, and wiggled her toes in a mischievous way. “What wonderful sox you have on,” said Grandpa. “And how big they are. How do you manage to keep them on?” Teagan gave a giddy little giggle, like water gurgling merrily over pebbles in a stream. There was magic in the sox, but that could not possibly compare to the magic in knowing that she had done it all by herself. Even months later, when Teagan began to talk, and whenever she accomplished some new little task, she could oft be heard chirping with delight, “I did it. I did it.” Certainly sox are not the only reason why Teagan is willing to search out new and different challenges. It is the result of an entire way of thinking, fostered by both Mama and Papa Bear. It is not uncommon for Daddy, as well as for Mommy, to find something special about which to proclaim, “Good Job, Teagan,” as they breeze busily by.

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Thus, whenever Teagan puts a toy away, closes a door, or helps around the house, she can be heard to croon to herself, “I did it. I did it. Good job, Teagan.” What a wonderful gift to give to a child. Self-esteem does not just happen; it grows day by day.

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LITTLE PEARL 6 A CONTINUING TALE OF TEGAN

Childhood is not just make-believe. It needs to be grounded in solid reality. At three years old and not quite toilet trained, Teagan found herself in desperate need of a diaper change. But Mommy was too busy. With three small boys in the family, an adopted teenage boy, a large dog, and nurse’s training, it was plain to see that Mommy had her hands full. “Please, Teagan, go ask your Daddy to help.” But Teagan could see that Daddy was pretty busy, too. No problem. Teagan knew exactly what to do. She had watched the process many times before, and on other matters everyone always said, “Good job, Teagan.”

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So, like the Little Red Hen, Teagan decided she could do it herself. She scampered into the bathroom, took down her jeans, removed her diaper, emptied the waste into the stool, flushed it down, and disposed of the old diaper. She got out the new, struggled into it, and pulled on her jeans. Good job Teagan! “As soon as I got my hands free,” said Mom. “I thought I’d better go in and check, but there was nothing left for me to do. The only thing remaining was to say, “Good job, Teagan.” It is not that Teagan is exceptional. It is only that a busy household needs to be organized, and everyone is encouraged to do his part. Teagan has been given a pattern for success that includes regular encouragement, good examples, reasonable expectations, and belief in herself. She knows her parents are pretty smart. They must be to recognize how smart Teagan is. Each child is smart in his own unique way. It only needs to be recognized, encouraged, and acknowledged.

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LITTLE PEARL 7 TEAGAN AND THE TRICYCLE

It is sometimes hard for a child to see that life can be a stark reality.

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When Teagan turned four years old, she had become so selfassured that it became a hazard. When I needed help to get a heavy amplifier into the car, she was dangerously under foot, insisting that she could help, too. She was bound and determined, and would not get out of the way. The only way to convince her otherwise was to let her try it. I only pretended to lift, allowing her to become aware of the full weight. Only then would she back off. On another occasion, she saw two of her brothers, seven-year-old Keltan and nine-year-old Quintan, go zipping out of the driveway on their skateboards. That looked like fun! She was not old enough to have a skateboard, but she did have her tricycle. She also knew that she did not have permission to go out of the yard, but that was lost on her zeal to run with the fast crowd. Ten-year-old Dallan saw her follow the other two out into the street, and reported promptly to Mom. By that time, Teagan was long gone. Mom, Dad, the neighbor, an entire search party spread out. Mom was angry. Teagan knew she was not allowed out of the yard, and she had disrupted the entire neighborhood. “Just wait until I get hold of her,” said Mom. “She’s going to learn what trouble really is.” One wonders what Mom had in mind beyond murder. Perhaps a hard spanking, no supper, severe scolding, patient reasoning, standing in the corner for a century; or all of the above? Something certainly had to be done to dramatize the dangers for Teagan. This absolutely must not happen again. Then, on the street behind, between the houses, Daddy caught a brief glimpse of Teagan furiously peddling away, valiantly trying to keep up with her skateboarding brothers. To get there, she must have navigated the more dangerous thoroughfare at the end of the block. Moments later, the posse descended and Teagan was busted. By the time they located her, Teagan’s brothers were long out of sight, and my guess was that she was a little bit fearful at being lost. Undoubtedly, she was also more than a little startled by all the fuss. It had to make a vivid impression.

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Finding Teagan safe, Mom’s anger dissolved into abject relief. She threw her arms around Teagan. “You could have been squashed,” Mom agonized. “I am so glad we found you before you got hurt or killed!” Teagan hadn’t considered that. How could that be? There was a stern, but brief, explanation about how someone standing on a skateboard could be seen by cars; but little ones on a small tricycle could not always be seen. There was also a firm reminder that Teagan had violated her boundaries and that a penalty must be assessed. What penalty would that be? What penalty would most aptly match the crime? Well, of course. The tricycle would disappear for a week. Teagan understood completely. Two weeks later she is proud of the fact that she still understands. We pray that, in twelve years, when the trike has become a 2000-pound vehicle, the lesson will still be clear. If not, it will be time to ration the keys to the car. Let the punishment fit the crime.—Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance

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LITTLE PEARL 8 TEAGAN’S FRIENDS

Let There Be Peace On Earth Christine, Quintan, Josh, Brendan, Jevan, Dale Dallan, Keltan, Teagan It is nice to have friends in the family. Teagan’s first line of friends is a blended family of nine. You really should meet them. In addition to Teagan, who is the happy result of a union between Dale and Christine; there are three step-brothers named Keltan, Quintan, and Dallan, ages seven, eight and ten; plus college-aged Brendan, all four from two of Christine’s previous marriages. Add an unofficially adopted teen-ager named Jevan. When Jevan was no longer young enough to draw state aid for support, his own Mom simply kicked him out. “Jevan” is the name he has newly chosen, and legally changed, to make him a permanent part of the family. There is also a large, jet-black poodle named Blue. Teagan claims him as exclusively hers. The reason you really need to meet this family personally (and I wish it could be personally) is because of

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the remarkable way these individual members function together as a whole. They are more than just a family. They are also truly good friends! You have to see it to fully appreciate it. Each is honestly concerned about the other. This does not mean that someone is always barging in to smooth things over. Sometimes it is quite the opposite. When Teagan climbs under the table to pout, Daddy winks and mutters: just give her a little space. She will work it out. If Dad and one of the boys are a little late to dinner, no big deal. They must be pondering deep concerns of life—like what makes a carburetor work, or the proper way to handle the trash. When they come in, a plate will be waiting. Each family member has his own contribution to make to the general welfare. It is not a demand or requirement. It is a willing contribution. The seven year old gives Teagan a bath. Teagan closes those doors that need closing when other hands are full, and takes care of her own needs when others are too busy. The three young stepbrothers sometimes prepare a major part of the meal, or even bake a cake or pie. Blue takes jealous care of Teagan. He was not so sure that he would allow even Grandpa to give Teagan a few birthday love pats. Certainly, good organization is part of why things work so smoothly. Good organization is one of Christine’s strong points, but mere organization, alone, often causes stifling regimentation and powerful animosity. No, indeed! There are three qualities that make this family blend so well together. First, each has an abiding respect for the other as a fully capable human being. Second, regardless of age, ability, or physical limitations, each is considered to have a unique and important contribution to make and is treated accordingly. Third, there is a generous serving of appreciation frequently expressed. There is nothing that makes a youngster act more grown-up than to be treated as a grown-up.

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LITTLE PEARL 9 LITTLE FAILURES, BIG SUCCESSES

Risking failure is essential to healthy growth. We humans risk the possibility of injury and death to climb mountains, drive racecars, and conquer outer space. Even ordinary life is fraught with one hazardous struggle after another. Edison failed over a hundred times before he invented the light bulb. It is just as important to allow our children the opportunity to fail, as it is to help them succeed. Without helping them to confront little failures, we do not prepare them to deal with the bigger challenges that will confront them as adults. We also cheat them out of the thrill that comes with having succeeded on their own. Recently, I learned of a particular youngster who was confined to a wheel chair because of severe burns. A magician friend of mine was teaching him how to do the cut and restored rope trick. Just as the kid picked up the

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scissors, the mother swooped down and snatched them away. “Can’t you see that the child is in pain? You can’t expect a child in pain to do what you are asking. Leave him alone.” My magician friend turned to the boy. “What do you want to do?” “Give me the scissors, please.” Reluctantly the mother surrendered them. With considerable effort, he struggled to cut the rope, and carefully navigated the special moves to make the magic happen. The possibility of being able to perform mysteries, which only he might know how to do, had been the incentive to keep on trying. As he accomplished the feat, the mother’s jaw dropped. She burst into tears of joy. The boy beamed. He had done something that even she could not do. For him, it was a mountain climbed. For her, it was a revelation. She had been jolted into the awareness that children are much more resilient and capable than most adults give them credit for being. They just need the incentive, opportunity, and encouragement to do for themselves. For more than fifteen years I led a club of youth and teen magicians, directing their annual shows. Because of my low vision, I let them know that they were on the spot to make the magic happen at a quality level. I could suggest, but they would need to make it work or they were out of the show. (Just between you and me, I stood secretly by, ready to rescue anyone who got into real trouble, but I did not let any of them know it.) They responded valiantly to the challenge. They wanted to prove themselves, and with the natural creativity of kids, they always did an outstanding job. The word went around town that the kids were doing a better job than the adult magicians. One youngster even went on to Las Vegas to win the title of “Youth Magician of the World” award. When my vision went sharply down hill, one of our mothers took over to produce our annual show. This very talented and well-meaning mother worked very hard, and

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the show was another great success, but there was something amiss. The problem? She confided to me, “I just could never, never, never bring myself to tell any of these talented, sweet, bright-eyed children that they could not be in the show if they did not work.” This slight change in attitude made all the difference in the world in what the youngsters gained from the experience. She thought of them as children instead of as capable performers. I asked her not to refer to them as children. She understood and made that superficial change, but that did not change her mind-set. She still thought of them as children, not quite as capable as adults. The result? She absolutely worked herself silly, coaching every detail of each act. The adults did most of the work, while the kids were pressured to achieve. Sort of reminded me of some of those parents in little league baseball or Pop Warner leagues. As rehearsals went on, the youngsters became more and more dependent. She complained about the kids lying down on the job and wondered why. It was still a great show, but the performers became merely puppets on a stage, with others pulling the strings. To satisfy her own need to be successful, and to be loved for doing so, she cheated them out of succeeding on their own. This matter of doing too much for our children also has other disastrous effects. It gives them an undeserved sense of entitlement. During rehearsals, this mother’s young daughter was asked to be less noisy. To this courteous request by another parent, this four year old curtly replied, “You can’t tell me what to do. I’ll be noisy if I want to be.” Paul Harvey writes: “We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. To my grandchildren: I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I wish you tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. It’s the only way to appreciate life.” The fact is that we learn more from our failures than we do from our successes.

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LITTLE PEARL 10 ON SPANKING

To spank or not to spank, that is the question.—paraphrase from Shakespeare’s Hamlet My great grandfather Klamm came over from Germany. He and his many prolific descendants were all of the old school on this subject. Spare the rod and spoil the child! It was the expected way. When I started teaching junior high school, I was fresh out of teacher training, and all of my thinking and training was that the paddle was never to be used. It was an indication that the teacher was unable to hold student interest, or maintain a classroom without threat of force. Then I met my fourth hour class. To them, any male who did not use a paddle from time to time was a wimp. They openly challenged me to use the paddle. When I refused, they became more and more unruly. One youngster

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even “accidentally” pulled down a bookcase on top of himself, to the laughter of the entire class. Another brought me a discarded paddle he had wheedled from the athletic coach. The entire class was deliberately goading me into making them behave. I had forgotten, or never learned, the fact that children want and need boundaries. They will argue and rail against you when you set them, but they secretly want you to set them firmly, and enforce them consistently. It gives them the strength and security to say “no” to peers without having to accept personal responsibility for that decision. Against my better judgment and carefully following the school rules for administering the paddle, I waited for someone to misbehave. Then, in front of the entire class, I delivered a firm, decisive swat. After only a time or two more in using the paddle, the class decided that I was going to stand firm. I never had to use the paddle again. I had spoken their language. For them, the paddle was their language. For some, standing in the corner is sufficient. For others, it may mean isolation in a room without TV, toys, CD players, and the like. You need to discover what language speaks the loudest to them, and then be firm and consistent about it. When our first-born was just a few years old, he needed the experience of playing out of doors on his own. We did not believe in erecting an artificial boundary like a fence. We wanted him to develop his own set of personal boundaries. To keep him from forgetting and thoughtlessly running out into the street, we painted a red line on the driveway, in line with the top edge of a low terrace. Sternly, we warned him that if he went beyond this boundary he would be dangerously close to the street, where he could get seriously hurt. As we watched from the window, he deliberately stepped across the line and looked in our direction. The result was that we paddled him hard. We wanted to inflict sufficient pain so that he would remember, and avoid the even greater pain of impact with a car.

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It only took once for him to decide that it was not good judgment for him to go beyond the limits set by that red line. We never had to worry about the problem again. Spanking can produce violence in return. It must be a deliberate choice for a particular reason, and never in anger.

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LITTLE PEARL 11 SPILLED MILK

Children want to be just like you. Little Carolyn was so excited to have Grandma and Grandpa eating dinner with her and her family. Then, without warning, she knocked her milk to the floor. At a time like this, alarm bells usually go off! The usual Mommy jumps up, scolds, fusses, panics, and rushes to clean up before the mess gets worse. But this time that did not happen. Instead, Mother hesitated a moment, trying to decide the best plan of action. When Mommy did not react at once, little eighteenmonth-old Carolyn surprised us all. She hopped down from the table, picked up a washcloth and scrubbed at the spill. Naturally! What else? That’s what Mommy would do. Children are great imitators. If you see something that you like, enjoy the compliment. If you see something in them that you do not like, consider looking unto thyself. Naturally the little one did not do a very good job of cleaning up. Worst of all, she laid the washcloth, dirty from

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the floor, on the counter where food is prepared. Surely, here were gross infractions worthy of severe correction. But for the time being, Mommy simply thanked her daughter and praised her for being so thoughtful. When you are a parent, it is not easy to just sit still, wondering when it is time to step in. It seems far quicker and easier to order about, hover over and to do it yourself, than to have an inexperienced, uncoordinated child make a mess of it. But for the growth of the child, it is far better to do otherwise. Let the child do for himself whenever possible. It enhances self-esteem and builds confidence.

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LITTLE PEARL 12 THE WISDOM OF CHILDREN

Don’t under-estimate your children. One evening when dining with friends, the mother asked her nine-month-old daughter if she wanted “more” or “no more ” to eat. It was not a casual question, asked mindlessly while trying to second-guess the child. Mother was looking for a definite answer. “More or no more?” the mother asked again.

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The little one was more than a year away from having the ability to talk, yet she clearly understood the verbal request, and answered back by using recognizable deaf-mute hand signals. In this case, for “more,” it was as simple as using the two hands, palms up, fingers bunched together with the thumb, and then touching fingertips of both hands together. For “no more,” it was palms down. How liberating! Instead of voicing a frustrated wail, the little one could communicate without the speech skills that were still months away. I understand that this kind of signing is now being taught, in even greater detail, as an effective communication skill in some of the better day care centers. It is a very revealing example of how much we have under-estimated the abilities of even the very youngest. Since they can’t talk, since they can’t walk, it is easy to assume that they are somewhat sub-human in their thought processes. I have known some adults who credit more intelligence to their dog, than to their children. We have a similar problem in dealing with teens but on a different level. The human brain does not become fully developed until the very late teens or early twenties. This impairs the ability to make fully rational judgments. In addition, teens are too young to have accumulated much solid experience. When they do not act grown-up in these areas, we often discount their other capabilities and treat them like little children. Either that, or we assume they are more capable than they are. Since they look grown-up, we expect them to act grown-up … totally! Then we scold, accuse, and punish for shortages they can’t help. Instead, we need to start out by giving adequate support and setting firm but clear and reasonable limits. We need to see our children, whether they are toddler or teen, as fully thinking, fully capable human beings, who want to do the right thing. Their ideas, thoughts, and desires must be considered and respected, within the boundaries of good judgment, as fully as we would respect the ideas of any adult. When we do this, our children will not disappoint us. Quite the opposite. If we truly listen and observe, they often surprise us with their wisdom. In fact, because

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their minds are unburdened with the sordid experience of the world, they often shed light where we fail to see. An excellent example of this can be found in kids’ ideas on the nature of love. Several professionals asked a group of four to eight year olds, "What does love mean?" Some of the answers follow. They came to me, without credit, through the e-mail. Unfortunately, the original source has been lost. If you know where they came from, please let me know.

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths. Billy—age four Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. Kari—age five When my Grandma got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my Grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love. Rebecca—age eight

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Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French Fries without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissy—age four Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired. Terri— age four Love is when my Mommy makes coffee for my Daddy and she takes a sip giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. Danny—age seven Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. Emily—age eight Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. Bobby—age seven If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate. Nikka—age six Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. Noelle—age seven Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy—age six Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford. Chris—age seven Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day. Mary Ann—age four When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. Karen—age seven

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You really shouldn’t say, “I love you” unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. Jessica—age eight And the most touching of all is a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbor was an elderly man, who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, he went over into the man’s yard and climbed on top of the man’s lap and just sat there. When the boy’s Mother asked him what he’d said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry”. We can learn a lot from children if we but open our minds to it.

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LITTLE PEARL 13 CHOICES

Nobody likes to be told what to do. Your children are no exception. In advertising, I learned that one of the easiest ways to close a sale is to give the customer a choice … a choice that would commit him to buying the product, no matter which way he decided. “Do you want the red balloon or the yellow one?” “Do you want Strawberry or Vanilla?” “Which dryer do you like best?”

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Of course, the customer might think for a moment and then tell you that he wants neither, but that takes a little more thought. You have made it easier for him to do what you want, than to resist. Either way he chooses, you have made a sale. Whether your children are two or twenty, this is a wonderful technique you can use to provide guidance with a minimum of friction and conflict. Instead of being arbitrary and dictatorial, give your children an opportunity to contribute their input to the decision. It allows them to exert a degree of control on their own. I was delighted to find that my two daughter-in-laws were both using this technique when our granddaughters were going through the terrible twos. At two, a youngster begins to discover that he is an independent individual, with the power to say, “no”. It is a wonderful time for a child to learn. At the same time, it is a terrible time for a parent to learn how to manage. Instead of ordering and demanding, it is a time for parents to ask such questions as: “Do you want your diaper changed on the floor, or on the bed?” “Do you want to wear your coat when you go outside, or will you carry it with you?” “Do you want to do what I ask, or stand in the corner, and then do what I ask?” Either way, Mother can guide the situation, while respecting the individuality of the child. Little Sara was having too much fun at Grandma’s house to want to leave. “Time to put on your coat, Sara,” said Mother. “No! I want to stay here.” “You can’t stay. Do you have your PJs?” “No.” “Do you have fresh clothes for tomorrow?” “No.” “Then it’s time to go.” “No.”

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When logic and reason failed, the subject was changed, momentarily. Sometimes it works just to cool it, and then start all over again. After a few minutes, Sara was asked, “Would you like to give Grandpa a hug before or after you put on your coat.” She thought for a moment, ran to Grandpa, gave him a hug, promptly put on her coat, and was ready to go. Starting early to allow alternate choices is a process that will make life easier for parents at that very moment. Later, during the stormy teen years, it will pave the way to a better relationship. It adds to the respect that each has for the other, and helps the youngster learn how to make responsible choices on his own. I had an eighteen-year-old high school senior who was physically mature enough to look the part of the father in William Gibson’s play, The Miracle Worker. Yet, each morning at home, his mother still selected each piece of clothing he should wear for the day. He just put them on without thinking. When we started to discuss what he should wear for the part, he had absolutely no idea at all. When it came to making such choices, he was a complete cripple. One wonders what other choices he has not learned to make for himself. One also wonders how well he is prepared to meet the many other challenges in the real world. How can children hope to make good decisions on the big things, if they have not had experience with the little things?

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LITTLE PEARL 14 JOE’S STORY

Joe knew, first hand, that when a real father cannot be present, another male mentor can make a world of difference. Mary and Joe were newly-weds. It was a shock when Joe learned that Mary was already pregnant. Quite naturally, Joe became very angry about it. He would have none of this. There was no question about it. The marriage would have to be annulled. Then, as if from somewhere out in the cosmos, a voice seemed to cry out to him, “Do you really love her, Joe?”

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Without hesitation, he answered back in the affirmative. “Then don’t do anything until you talk to her. Find out what this is all about.” When Joe heard the full story, he reluctantly relented. It was a cockamamie story! Nevertheless, he realized that unless he stood by her, it would mean the ruination of three lives. No one else need know … no one but the two of them. But how could he treat a bastard child as his own, without real resentment? It was difficult, but not impossible. There is something disarming about a child if you but search it out. It is as if there were a part of God in each. It is a potential just waiting to be developed. Certainly, the birth was not the fault of the child. The youngster was curious and intensely willing to learn. In the wood shop, Joe found himself patiently explaining how to miter a joint, and how to anticipate the direction a piece of wood might warp. Often, Mary would become more than a little impatient with them. Supper was waiting and getting cold. Still Joe would take a little more time to explain some special little detail. Joe’s son waxed in wisdom and stature. To Joe’s great disappointment, his son left carpentry behind for Joe to handle on his own. From time to time, Joe heard glowing reports of his son’s remarkable accomplishments. In private and unsung, Joe took honest pride in this marvelous tower of strength he had helped to create. Then strangely, Joe heard nothing more. It was as if his son had vanished from the face of the earth. Joe asked around. “Oh, haven’t you heard?” someone asked. “He got crosswise with the authorities and they did him in. It was something like a double or triple cross. They figured he was out to crucify them, so they beat him to the punch. They’re all a bunch of crooks, anyway.” Joe knew otherwise, and he knew his son would agree. He knew that there is a potential for good, deep in the core of even the most despicable human being. It is just waiting to be discovered.

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“ … I am in the Father, and the Father in me: … he who has faith in me will do what I am doing; and he will do greater things still because I am going to the Father.” John 14: 11 and 12 (New English Bible)

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LITTLE PEARL 15 TAG! WHO’S “IT”?

The buck stops here.—Harry Truman Many parents just assume that other adults will be as responsible as they are. When they hear that an activity is adult sponsored, they often relax and allow their defenses to drop. They let someone else’s judgment be substituted for their own, without checking out the details. One day while watching a high-interest talk show, my jaw dropped in stark amazement. A mother—certainly conscientious and very concerned about her daughter’s whereabouts at all times—described how she managed. She

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supervised parties in her own home, and made them so attractive that her daughter would not be tempted to go elsewhere to party. Alcohol was served, even though the teens were under-age. The mother explained that teens were going to drink anyway. She would prefer they did it under her supervision. For entertainment, they played good old-fashioned games like Spin the Bottle. To avoid embarrassment, participants were allowed to slip into the next room for the penalty phase. Yes, there were mixed-gender sleepovers. But what was the problem with that? She did not want anyone to risk the dangers of driving home under the influence. The impropriety of it seemed not to be a problem for her. She would be present in the home at all times. She did not say whether she stayed awake all night, or not. Apparently she had never been busted for her unusual parties, but she was certainly playing with fire. How do you avoid such potential for disaster with your own teen? A simple, courteous call to volunteer refreshments and other help, or to inquire about planned activities, would be in order. A responsible parent will appreciate such a call. A defensive reaction should cause alarm bells to go off in your head. Either way, you will gain valuable details to help you decide whether or not you want your teen involved. Lest you assume that this is rare and unusual, read on: I was hired to do a magic show for a teen party in my own area. When I arrived, two thoughtful parents, who were doing their best to make things work, greeted me. They had hired me as special entertainment, made their presence known by mixing with the group, and clearly indicated that no alcohol would be served or tolerated. Yet, alcohol was abundantly present. I unpacked my magic props and smelled it on the breath of the fifteen-yearold, as he slurred a greeting and offered to help me. I started the show but only a few were interested. The rest were busy mixing their carbonated punch with whatever they carried in their hip flasks. Inhibitions down, they tried to impress the

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rest with their ability to disrupt the party. I stopped the act. There was no way I could continue. The nice couple, which had hired me, was visibly embarrassed. They paid me graciously and apologized profusely. They explained that several uninvited guests had crashed the party. I thanked them and folded up my show. I wondered why they did not do the same with the party. They were nice people; but the two of them, alone, were no match for a crowd that had nothing but booze—and who knows what else—on their minds. These well-meaning parents had not realized how quickly they could get in over their heads. Another set or two of parents would have helped to even the odds, and provide additional minds to come up with more options for solutions. At least the police could have been called to eject the party-crashers; but it is hard to think of that, when you are outnumbered and under stress. Things were still roaring as I left. I wondered how some of these kids would get home safely. Apparently they managed. There were no reports of auto fatalities to be found in the morning papers. Still, there were a generous variety of other disasters just waiting to happen. Perhaps you need more convincing? Indulge me just a moment or two longer: For twenty years, I taught high school in tandem with a highly respected vocal music director. As drama coach, I produced the plays. He did the musicals. Our stage crew helped with his productions and we shared many of the same students. One morning I pricked up my ears, when I heard some of my first hour students talking about the outdoor Christmas concert the choir had presented the night before. Several busloads of students had traveled across town, without any adult supervision whatsoever. Certainly the drivers were adult, but they had no direct responsibilities toward the students. “No responsible parents on board?” I asked. “And where was the choir director?” ”Oh, he was at home, celebrating his little boy’s birthday.”

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As I listened, I became even more distressed. Each parent had signed a permission note for the trip. By requiring permission notes from parents, the choir director had taken the usual step to protect himself, but what about the kids? The more than eighty under-age teens were left to shift for themselves. Apparently, not one parent saw the need to ask about arrangements or volunteer. If someone got sick, was badgered into a fight, fell off a riser, or was hit by a car; there was no one of legal age who could take charge, make adult decisions, call home from a list of numbers, or deal with authorities on an adult level. Tag, you’re “it.” You bear the final responsibility for your teen.

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LITTLE PEARL 16 THE THREE BAIRDS

Parents need to find a way to speak with one, clear voice. Once upon a time there were three Bairds: Papa George, Mama Jean, and sweet little Buddy Baird. Late one night George and Jean came home from a card party and found their house in shambles. “Somebody’s been sitting in my chair,” wailed Mama Jean, “and they have broken it all down.” Papa George went into his den and found empty beer cans strewn all over the floor. “It’s that no good son of yours,” snarled Papa Baird. “He’s your son, too,” whimpered Mama Jean. “He’s no son of mine,” roared Papa Baird. “The way you baby him is a crime. And the way you come down on him so hard is a sin.”

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“Somebody has to be firm with him. He will never learn to stand on his own two feet, otherwise. The way he is acting, he is going straight to hell.” ”Shhhh! He’ll hear us. Why is it that we never seem to be able to agree on this? The poor little thing is so confused,” sighed Mama Jean. “We might as well go to bed, ” grumbled George. As they climbed the stairs, they heard giggling in Buddy Baird’s room. Papa George kicked the door wide open and growled at what he saw. There was Goldilocks in bed with Buddy Baird. “How could you?” cried Mama Jean as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “Why not!” shouted Buddy Baird. “You don’t give a shit what I do, and HE has already decided that I am going straight to hell. I might just as well enjoy the ride.” Despite what children may tell us to the contrary, they want, need, and even expect us to provide firm, clear, and consistent boundaries. It shows concern, provides dependability, and produces respect. If a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand.— Mark 3:25 (KJV)

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LITTLE PEARL 17 THE AMERICAN WAY

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. Though they were both worn about the same, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. Robert Frost—The Road Not Taken Those two roads are clearly defined in our American way of life. They might just as easily be marked with signposts labeled, “Buy Now, Pay Later” and “Pay As You Go.” As

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you can well guess, the latter of the two signs would mark the path less traveled. The road labeled “Buy Now, Pay Later” is the road to instant gratification and the American dream of plenty for all. But beware! The damage caused by taking that route is not only financially devastating; it can be emotionally destructive as well. Our urge to instant gratification, happiness without end, and the desire to have it all, is the root cause of our nation’s over-eating, over-medication, over-stimulation, and over-indulgences of all kinds. It has spawned the fast food industry with its fattening diet, provided stimulus toward sexual addiction, and encouraged the weed-like growth of gambling. For the past many years, it has been our agonizing experience to witness, first hand, the differences between two families, each of which have chosen a different one of these alternate paths. We shall call them the Smiths and the Jones. The Smith family chose the road most travel, the road labeled “Buy Now And Pay Later.” The Smiths were of modest means, but Mr. Smith had a good job with the city. It was not a high-paying job, but it was a steady income, and he invested well in real estate. The additional flow of funds from his rental properties meant that the Smith kids wanted for nothing. When Mr. Smith suddenly died, it was a big surprise to find that both Mrs. Smith and the adult Smith boy were both head over heels in debt to the credit card companies. Apparently, the flow of cash came generously into one end of the tube, but evaporated before any of it could flow out the other end. The Smith boy got married; went through two successive divorces; each with someone as parentally dependant as he was; each wanting what they wanted, when they wanted it. He dug himself deeper and deeper into debt, now with children of his own. Both divorces were messy and well financed by parents—on both sides. There were tens of thousands of dollars spent for lawyers for the divorce; lawyers for the children; lawyers for grand parent’s rights; lawyers to defend against criminal charges of child abuse (which

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turned out to be false); and loss of job because of those charges. The list could go on and on, all financed by Mom, who could always be counted on to come to the rescue. But then, there was always that price tag attached. If nothing else, Mom expected total love and appreciation in return. Both of the Smith children, quite naturally, resented that. Mom resented their resentment, but continued to pay. “If I don’t do it, I will never get to see my grand children again.” The Smith daughter faired only a little better. She is divorced from a drug addict; can’t seem to keep up a house that she is renting-to-buy from mother; and has gambling and eating addictions. In fact, three generations of Smiths are overly weighty. The Smith girl frankly says, “I know why I over-eat. I had a very unhappy childhood. It is a quick way to a little warmth and comfort.” Yes, if one examines it in detail, each and every one of the Smith’s problems can be traced back directly to traveling down the “Buy Now, Pay Later” road. Now, on a happier note, let us take a peek at the Jones. Also of moderate means, they struggled along on just one salary. Mrs. Jones was a teacher, but thought it best to stay at home with the children. Mr. Jones was also a teacher, and could have worked at a summer job, but wanted to have extra time to spend with his kids. This meant that there was not a lot of cash flowing into the tube at the one end, but they always made sure there was a little left over to trickle out the other end to the bank. They had a real concern that they were depriving their children of the good things in life. Mrs. Jones often came home with glowing descriptions of what other parents were giving to their kids. Like the Smiths, the Jones went camping with their children, but instead of going first class, they tented out. It was cheaper, and the kids enjoyed it more. By doing a little checking, they figured that they could camp out for a whole month, almost as cheaply as sitting at home in front of the TV. Still, they wondered. When so many others had found a

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quick way to the good life, they felt badly about having to struggle along. One day, when the Jones boys were grown, the youngest made a very revealing comment to his parents. He said, “You know, we kind of felt cheated when you wouldn’t buy us all of that stuff we wanted, but now I’m sure glad that you didn’t do that.” Today, while the Smiths are paying for their earlier excesses through increased health hazards, a bleeding bank account, broken dreams, and angry relationships; the Jones have learned to be happy, getting along on what they have. What they have is a hefty nest egg for Mom and Pop; good jobs for the kids; and trusting, sharing, open, and honest relationships with each other. The elder Jones are also pleased that now they can occasionally provide generous gifts to their children, in ways that will count the most. When you are busy trying to out-fox the world, you don’t have time to out-fox the kids.

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LITTLE PEARL 18 GROWING UP WITH BILLY

Expectations need be firm and consistent. The longer it remains otherwise, the harder it is to correct. When Billy was just a year or two old, he often went to the grocery store with Mommy. She would put him into the little seat on the cart and give him his favorite toy. Whoops! Billy accidentally dropped his toy. Mommy, being a good Mommy, picked it up and gave it back. “That was fun,” thought Billy. So he dropped his toy again. And again. And again. It had become a game for Billy, but a distraction for Mommy. She scolded, explained, and threatened; but usually did not do much of anything to back up her words.

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Sometimes she did take away the toy. Sometimes she did not. She was very inconsistent. Billy did not understand this. One day, when she took away the toy, Billy screamed, and yelled, and hollered at the injustice of it all. Instead of standing her ground, Mommy looked around to see who was watching and quickly gave the toy back. Billy had learned an important lesson. He had learned how to make Mommy behave. Billy grew to be five years old. At five, his smile beamed, his dimples beckoned, and his eyes twinkled. It made Mommy very happy when Billy was happy, but it was very difficult to make him behave. When Mommy tried to do so, the light went out of his eyes and his smile disappeared. It was painful for Mommy to refuse him anything. What was the harm anyway? When Billy was happy, he was such a loving child. Billy grew a little older still. At twelve, he knew what he wanted and when he wanted it. One day the cookie jar was empty. Mom should know better than that! He would teach her a good lesson. In anger, he threw the cookie jar to the floor and broke it. Billy was ordered to his room in no uncertain terms. He was to stay there and think about what he had done. When he was sorry, he could come out. In his room, Billy spent a very pleasant time watching his own TV and listening to his favorite music. Mom was so stupid. And Billy grew older still. He went off to high school. There he found all sorts of brand new possibilities that were exciting for him and frightening for his Mother. Mom objected to his going out to parties she knew little about and not keeping her informed. One day, Mom discovered that things were not as innocent as Billy had assured her. This time there was no alternative. She had to put her foot down—positively—for his own good! When she did, the light went out of his eyes and his face grew dark and menacing “You’re not going to tell me what to do, bitch!” he growled.

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Suddenly, she was afraid of her own son. He was bigger and stronger than she was. He had known it for some time. Too late, she had learned it too. You teach people how to treat you, and you do not gain respect unless you earn it.

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LITTLE PEARL 19 CINDERELLA AND THE CASTLE BALL

Growing up is a do-it-yourself project, but good support and helpful guidance are always important Once upon a time there was an old crone who had three daughters. The two eldest were as beautiful as the day is long. The third daughter, a stepchild, was plain, coarse, and homely as could be. At least, so thought the old crone. I guess that there is just no accounting for some people’s taste. The mother doted on her two eldest daughters. Instead of being a parent to them, she wanted to be a friend.

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She waited on them hand and foot. Their every wish was her command. She wanted nothing to mar their dazzling beauty. It didn’t take long before these two eldest became more and more selfish and demanding. Whenever things did not go their way, they complained in loud shrill voices and twisted up their faces into angry snarls. In no time at all they grew to be absolutely and perpetually ugly, unbearable, and impossible to please. It became necessary for the third daughter to add greatly to her duties of floor scrubbing, and window washing, and cooking, and sewing, and grocery shopping, and you name it, to satisfy the incessant demands of her eldest sisters. After the old crone died, the youngest felt no obligation to stay home any longer. She set out on her own and had no trouble adjusting to the real world. Though unaware of it, the old crone had done well for her youngest, providing the opportunities for her to learn the value of work; how to deal with even the most unpleasant of people; and how to develop creative ideas toward getting things done. It was said that Cinderella knew how to change pumpkins into carriages and mice into men. She had no trouble landing an entry-level job in the Castle Clothing Company, where she rose quickly to the top. She radiated self-confidence and glowed with a beauty that came from deep within. When she heard the company was planning a big event to show off the latest fashions, she picked out the finest gown for herself; swept the prince charming son of the owner off his feet; and ended up with ownership of a major share of the company. In the meantime, the two eldest sat at home, lonely, desolate, destitute, and good for nothing at all. They had no work skills, a distorted view of what it takes to get along in the world, and a sour attitude that turned off all of those around them. If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a dozen times: the more you do for your kids, the less they appreciate it.

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LITTLE PEARL 20 DOLLARS, DESIRES, AND BROKEN DREAMS

A little pain is sometimes the best teacher. When my wife was just thirteen years old, she went on the most distressing shopping trip of her entire life. With shining, excited eyes, little Berniece tucked all of the money she had diligently saved—along with the Christmas money she had been given—into her brand new purse. Off she set with Mother to go sweater shopping. As my wife tells it, she laid her purse on the counter to examine the many beautiful knits. I can just imagine her excitement, as she looked over the dazzling array of colors, holding up first this one and then that one for inspection. At last! This one was perfect. She reached for her purse. It was gone! Where was it? She had laid it right there on the counter. Someone had taken it! Her dream of a new sweater melted and dissolved into nothingness. It is painful for a child to suffer such a blow, and perhaps even more painful for a parent to watch it happen. When it does happen, either we scold the child for his

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stupidity, or our hearts go out in sympathy. Mistakenly, we try to fix it. Instead, Berniece’s Mother waited patiently until little Berniece had felt the full weight of her loss. Then Mother signaled the clerk to retrieve the missing purse from under the counter. That’s where Mother had originally signaled for it to be hidden, when Berniece had not been watching carefully. In order to spare her daughter real pain in later life, Mother had induced lesser pain to be inflicted, when it could be dealt with easier. The lesson was well learned. Today, I doubt that even a hurricane could separate my wife from her purse. It is better for children to feel the sting of failure on smaller matters, when we can be around to give emotional support and insure that no real damage is done. It gives children the strength and experience to meet major problems later, when they arise in the real world. I recently heard a financial advisor express almost this same thought. To back up his thinking with action, he gives his teens a quarterly allowance. Every three months he deposits a set sum into a bank account for each. Out of this allowance they must provide themselves with specified items such as lunch money, basic clothing, and recreation. Certainly, you and your teens might choose a different set of items than they did. The important thing is that these items are negotiated with the teen, and once established, are firmly enforced. There is no emergency bail out. If the teen runs out of funds, that’s tough. He must either rustle up odd jobs for himself or do without. It is better to learn the lessons of financial failure in small degree, than suffer mountainous credit card debt later in life.

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LITTLE PEARL 21 MORE ABOUT MONEY

Teach your children early, the value of money. Little nickels count for a lot.

Down through history, more of our greatest leaders have risen out of poverty than out of affluence. Instead of trying to groom the kid for college before he ever gets out of Pampers, you can start him on the road to Rockefeller just as early and with a whole lot less money. When I was just a small child, a nickel was a fortune to me. My parents gave me an allowance of fifteen cents a week. I was also given three empty face cream jars, into

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which I was to divide those three nickels. One nickel was for me, one was to save. The third nickel was to give to others. I understood the “me” part. The rest took a little learning. What was I saving for? And when was it okay to use it? It was never explained, but I watched those nickels grow into quarters and then into dollar bills, and began to realize that the same could happen to those nickels that were set aside for my own use. Instead of buying a candy bar (just a nickel at the time) or ice cream, I learned that I could delay gratification for some bigger thing that I really wanted. Start with nickels first. When your little one begins to understand, graduate to dimes and then to quarters. Keep the ante low, so that he or she will learn the importance of delayed gratification. It was desperately painful to give away that third nickel. Today, I am glad I learned to do that. This early training has taught me what money can and cannot do. It has taught me how to limit my frivolous desires; to be grateful for what I have; and to understand that I have the power to do, at least in a small way, something about the vast need in the world today. Though I did not realize it at the time, it put me on the same level as the Rockefellers. If I could share with others, then I surely had more than enough for my own needs.

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LITTLE PEARL 22 WHO SAYS I’M EQUAL?

Each child is an individual unto himself. Cookie-cutter rules seldom work. When I was a high school teacher, I had two brothers as students in my speech classes, though they were separated by a couple of years. We shall call them Ned and Ted. Ned was the eldest and a jewel of a student. He was polite, bright, prompt with assignments, and always helpful. Two years later, Ted appeared on my class roster. Like most over-worked teachers looking for stereotyped solutions, I just assumed that he would be much like his older brother. Not so. He was sullen, uncooperative, lazy, and belligerent. Nothing I did seemed to work.

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Thank goodness Ted was spared the insult of my unthinkingly asking, “Why don’t you act more like your brother?” In desperation I asked the principal to schedule a conference in his office, between the parents and myself. We had barely started when the mother wrung her hands and blurted out, “I was expecting this. We have never had a moment’s problem with Ned. Ted is a constant concern. We go to great pains to treat them exactly the same. If Ned gets a fire engine for Christmas, Ted gets one exactly like it. We try so hard not to play favorites.” As it turned out, that was exactly the problem. Once the parents realized it, Ted’s classroom problems began to dissolve. Until then, neither boy felt favored. Ned kept trying to impress everyone with his good behavior. Ted, in order to establish his own individuality, went the other way. Interestingly enough, if the personalities of the two boys had been different, this scenario might have been played out in still other ways, though always negatively. For example, the older brother might have been the one to cause trouble, rebelling against being shadowed by an eternal tag-along. Even worse, they both might have resorted to angry competition or sullen backbiting. Left unattended, any of these coping mechanisms could become a chronic, lifetime pattern of personality disorder. The United States Constitution requires that all men must be treated equally, but that is legally, under the law. The law of love requires a far higher standard. Under the law of love, everyone needs to be made to feel special. Each person needs to be considered as a distinctly separate individual with unique interests, traits, and abilities. Children need individual time with each parent, doing special things that only the two of them share. The working words are “special,” not “superior;” “favored,” not “favorite;” “individual,” not “equal.”

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LITTLE PEARL 23 WHAT YOUR KIDS WANT TO KNOW ABOUT SEX, BUT YOU ARE AFRAID TO TELL THEM.

Kids already have more misinformation about sex than we care to admit. Evasion and dogmatic rules only make things worse. “Where did I come from, Mommy?” Mommy had long been dreading that question. She took a deep breath and bravely plunged ahead in lurid detail. Her son began to look a little uncomfortable. Finally, she asked, “Why did you want to know, honey?” “Oh, I just wondered. Billy says that he came from Peoria.”

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It is an old joke, but it illustrates how uncomfortable it is for us to talk to our children about sex. Either we overexplain too early or under-explain too late. In the process, a lot of confused signals get mistaken for truth. A mother cautions her daughter to beware of kissing the boys, but leaves out all of the uncomfortable details. She explains only that kissing the boys can get you pregnant. The young daughter, taking the statement for literal fact and aware that she has already kissed a few boys, is desperately afraid to share her concerns. Thus, even in this modern day of enlightenment, many youngsters still believe the myth that kissing alone can produce babies. On the national news, I heard an angry father judgmentally proclaim: a law against gay marriage would protect his son from seeing inappropriate expressions of affection at the ballpark. Nonsense. Mere lack of a certificate has not stopped that so far and never will. It would be more productive for the father to casually engage his son in open discussion about what they saw. The father’s angry outburst exposes his own uncomfortable feelings about sex. It succeeds only in making it very difficult, if not impossible, for the son to trust that his father will provide unbiased answers to troublesome sexual fears, concerns, and uncertainties. Through observation, chance remarks, and improper deduction, our kids already have more misinformation about sex than we wish they did. Both toddlers and teens, when left in the dark without our honest non-judgmental help, will add two and two together and come up with every other answer but four. How do you provide helpful support that will be trusted and accepted? It is easier to start early; but the key is to meet your children where they are, not where you would like to require them to be. Keep it simple, honest, and above all, non-judgmental. First make sure that you understand what they really want to know. Make sure you are talking about procreation, not Peoria; intercourse, not kissing; appropriate behavior, not legal certificates. Vague generalities can have several completely different meanings. The term “making out” has

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several working definitions. “It” can mean many things. Be simple, but specific. If you are so lucky as to have the child bring up the subject, the conversation may go something like this: “Where did I come from?” “From inside mommy.” “How did I get there?” “You grew from a tiny egg inside of me.” “Like a chicken egg?” “Sort of like that, only different. A chicken lays its eggs and then the baby chick hatches out. You grew on the inside of me.” “What made me grow? How did I get inside of you?” “Daddy planted a seed in the egg inside of me.” “How could he do that?” “That is a little complicated to explain. We can talk about that when we have more time. For now, just remember that Daddy and I waited to plant that little seed, which was you, until we were sure we had a place that was safe and secure for you to stay.” Such a conversation may take place in little bits, over a period of weeks or months, as each answer is assimilated. Notice that these answers not only explain mechanics without being preachy or judgmental, but also add reinforcement to ideas of love and security. Always be sure to keep these answers truthful. When I was a child, there was a blackout on facts and the stork myth was substituted. Later, when I accidentally discovered the facts of the matter, it made me ashamed of my own sexuality and caused me to lose trust in parental answers. This is a precarious position for any child. Chances are that it will fall to you to bring up the subject. It is your job to keep your eyes open for opportunities and to keep the channels of communication open. For example, in reading the story of “Chicken Little,” it can be quite natural to bring up the fact that he came from the egg. If interest is there, it is a simple transition to make the human analogy.

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In our own case, our boys saw two cats in the yard “playing Leap-Frog.” “Or are they fighting?” Instead of an embarrassed snicker on our part, it was a simple matter to explain that this was their way of starting a family. Naturally this provoked further questions and we were off and running. If the parents are comfortable with their own sexuality, it will help the children develop healthy, mature attitudes toward sex.

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LITTLE PEARL 24 JELLY BEANS!

Avoid those battles that are not worth fighting. In heavy traffic, we were driving our two grand daughters to their home. Everyone was desperately tired. My wife was the only available driver, and she was voiceless and nearly sick with spring allergies. We had missed our turn, were concerned with crossing rushing traffic, and the traffic light was one of those that would not change without getting out of the car to push the button. We did not need the added hazard of unhappy kids. That’s when the five year old decided to press her advantage. Kids are smart about that. Despite the fact that she had gorged all day on Easter candies, she had been pleading to open the last, unopened bag of jellybeans. “No,” we had told her several times. “You will be sick.” Now she began to apply the pressure. “Please. Just one?” “If you open the bag, they will spill all over the floor.” “Don’t you know what please means? I said please. You know what please means, don’t you?”

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Sarcasm? From this five year old? I wanted to ram the sack of jellybeans down her throat, but that would be giving in to the same kind of child-like behavior. As the adult in charge, you should really pick your battles under more favorable circumstances, but you can’t always do that. Ideally we should have pulled the car over to the side and dealt deliberately with the situation; but that was not possible this time. More reasonably, the thought flashed through my head that it would be safer, and even wiser, for us to just give up and give in. After all, we were all just tired. Besides that, these kids had been through a lot. They had been parentless for two weeks while Mom and Dad were on a life-saving errand of mercy in California with the youngest sibling. Certainly one silly jellybean was of little concern. Maybe these kids deserved an extra treat, anyway. It was tempting as a way to bring peace to the moment, but I remembered the rule: Once you are in a tugof-war of wills with a youngster—no matter how insignificant the stakes—you do not give in. Certainly it is better to reason with, give choices, negotiate, or divert attention, instead of being dictatorial; but if it comes down to head butting, the parent’s better judgment must prevail consistently. To do otherwise only raises the stakes higher for the next encounter. It is always easier to put out a simple spark, then to later have to quench a raging fire of teenage rebellion. Knowing that we were nearly home and that an equally wise grandmother was there for additional support, we dodged the butted heads approach, and suggested the alternate choice of letting the other grandma decide. The whining stopped, we arrived in safety, and the technique of diverting attention took over. In the excitement of arriving home, the much-debated jellybean was quickly forgotten and adult supervision remained intact. When reason and logic fail, sometimes diversion and alternate choices are good alternatives.

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LITTLE PEARL 25 A TASTY FAMILY FEAST!

Family rituals create a feeling of unity, security, and stability. A good family friend of ours recently mentioned a remarkable ritual that he shares each night with his own family. As they help themselves to the evening meal, each is expected to share a story of a good deed he has done that day. He serves it up as a little story, telling of the deed, what prompted it, and how it was received. Mike, the family provider, says that at the beginning the kids did a lot of moaning and groaning, and their eyes rolled back into their head. It was a “corn-ball” idea, too “goodie-goodie”, and just plain dumb. But surprise! It wasn’t long before each storyteller began trying to outdo the other with the most interesting tale to tell. The stories added new spice to the meal and new

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flavor to every bite. In the process, each storyteller dished up generous helpings of self-esteem for himself and savored a richer taste of respect for everyone else. Outside the family, it undoubtedly inspired an entire cafeteria of good deeds being shared among others. Children need rituals. Rituals produce stability, dependability, and regularity to the world around. It may even produce a better taste in the mouth of parents for each other. It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.— Ralph Waldo Emerson

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LITTLE PEARL 26 WHAT DOES GOD LOOK LIKE?

Impossible questions need reasonable answers. “What happens to me when I die?” “What is heaven like?” “What does God look like?” These, and many more questions of faith are truly impossible questions to answer. No one really knows for sure, yet to leave them unanswered is to raise questions of doubt and fear in young minds. Still, the often-used poetic answers only mislead and confuse. Talk poetically about pearly gates, and fiery furnaces (In Siberia, Hell is depicted as a frozen wasteland), and children

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take such descriptions as literal truth. I have even known of some who take these fantasies into their adulthood. Later in life when these ideas are questions, it may cause faith to falter and belief to crumble. Children deserve better. Ask your children for their own ideas. Guide them to answers that will make sense to them. You may be surprised and delighted! There are many ways of saying that Heaven is like sharing an ice cream cone with a puppy dog and that Hell is as uncomfortable as standing in the corner for ten thousand years. As long as their thought expresses the general intent, assure them that their idea is as good as any other, because no one really knows for certain. When I visited my dying Mother a few days before her death, she confided in me that God had spoken to her the night before. She was so intensely earnest that I could not help but to believe her. Yet, in my disbelief, I suspected that it was probably just a figment of the medicine she had been given. Still, as her adult child, I wanted Mother to assure me that it was not just her imagination. Hoping to receive some long-secret revelation, I asked her what God looked like. “Oh, I couldn’t tell you that,” she said. “It would be just my own idea. All I can tell you is that it was really God, in person.” That revelation did more to reassure her little Bobby Bill than any description of flowing robes or studded crown. Honesty is always the best policy.

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LITTLE PEARL 27 BUDDIES AND FRIENDS

Despite how much they may protest, children want and need you to stand firm. Freddie the frog was afraid to follow his fellow amphibians to the far end of the pond. He knew it was not safe down there; but, still, he would go in a minute. He would go because he was even more fearful of what his fellow frogs would think. “Awwww, you timid little toad,” they taunted. “I wouldn’t dare go. It’s my pitiful parents. They would puddle me for a month.” He knew, because he had pleaded and protested. He had shouted and pouted. He told them that his friends would desert him. His life would be ruined. He increased the

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volume and upped the ante. He made them feel absolutely terrible about themselves for depriving him. Still they said, “absolutely not.” His parents had provided him with a powerful plate of protective armor. He could blame them completely for their crotchety ways. They were his backbone. Or do frogs have backbones? Anyway, no one could blame Freddy the frog for being a stick in the mud. It was all the fault of his parents. He liked the feeling of security it gave him. He was secretly glad they had stood firm. Later on he heard that his buddies had gotten themselves mired knee-deep into treacherous quicksand and were sinking fast. Freddy was sorry about that, but he was happy all over again. He’d never let his parents know, but he was glad he could depend on them to say “no” and mean it. That’s the main difference between buddies and friends. Buddies are a lot of fun to be with, but you can always depend on friends. They keep your best interests in mind at all times and they do what they say they will do. Sometimes it is nice to have somebody else to blame.

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LITTLE PEARL 28 TEAGAN AND THE FEARSOME FOURS

What happens when you just don’t know what to do? The Fearsome Fours hit Teagan with a vengeance. She was looking forward to spending an exciting weekend of fun at Grandma and Grandpa’s. On the last day of her visit, a virus hit her and she got a little headache. On Monday, she was taken to the care center for the day. The plan was for her to be picked up that afternoon by family, but she had a little fever and the care center would not take her. She had to be taken directly home. The grandparents thought nothing more about it. She had not been all that sick. Then Daddy called.

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Half-joking he said, “What did you do to her? She clings to her mother and whines all of the time. It is upsetting the whole house.” As a precaution, an anti-biotic was prescribed. Every day for a week, someone had to stay home to take care of Teagan. Finally she began to develop a little enthusiasm toward returning to her old self, as well as to the day care center. Arriving there, Teagan discovered that there had been a change in familiar personnel. She fussed and fumed and did not want to stay. She was even turned off with the idea of visiting Grandma and Grandpa again. When the time actually arrived, she had to be literally pried away from a family member who had an urgent appointment waiting. What was happening? She was normally bouncy and out-going. Now, participation in activities that she enjoyed and looked forward to had become threatening. Grandpa became aware that Teagan’s tears had a phony quality about them. Furthermore, she seemed to become her usual chipper, enthusiastic, out-going self as soon as she got used to new surroundings. Could it be that Teagan was entering the period when children become fearful of many new imaginings, never considered before? Grandpa was reminded of the times when little Dale—now Teagan’s grown-up Daddy— had protested in like manner. When he was left at the sitter’s house, little Dale would set up a storm of fussing and crying until Mommy was out of sight. After that, no problem! Was it possible that Teagan was becoming fearful of separation from family? Or did she actually associate a visit to the grandparents with causing her to be sick and triggering the change of personnel at the day care center? Whatever the reason, when Teagan attended a cousin’s birthday party as part of a long weekend with Grandma and Grandpa, it started all over again. Accidentally awakened from a long nap, she was somewhat dazed. She saw Daddy, who was also invited and the fun weekend with the grandparents was instantly forgotten.

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When it came time to go home, she wanted to go with Daddy. Adult plans and commitments would be hard to change, but the pitiful, put-on whining grew more intense. A wise daughter-in-law cautioned, “The more you drag it out, the harder it will be to deal with.” Still, Daddy tried to reason with Teagan. The whining escalated. Daddy threatened a brief stand in the corner and then dropped the idea when the crying intensified. Not good! It is the kind of tug-of-war you don’t want to get into with a youngster—of any age—and one that is hazardous to lose. Grandpa interceded to offer Teagan a choice. “Grandma and I are ready to go. Do you want to go with us by the front door, or the garage door?” “By the garage door.” “Then you can play for five minutes more,” said Grandma, “while I gather things up.” We thought we were home free, but then the best laid plans…you know how it goes. Mixed signals between adults allowed Teagan to slip under the radar. The result was that Teagan got her way. She went home with Daddy. The daughter-in-law’s words rang loudly in Grandpa’s head. Next time, Teagan would be even harder to deal with. But surprise! When Mommy and Daddy got their act together, they must have had a good talk with Teagan. Next morning, Daddy called and Teagan talked with Grandma. “Do you still want to come to our house next weekend?” “Yes. I want to be in the Christmas program. And I won’t cry this time.” A little slip, now and then, does not necessarily a pattern make.

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LITTLE PEARL 29 SELF RELIANCE

Do not shield your children from life. Give them the tools to confront it. It is a natural instinct for a parent to protect an offspring from danger. Even animals in the wild are programmed in this way, but in humankind this natural instinct gets blurred. Sometimes we become more intent on protecting ourselves from the loss of this precious bundle of joy, than we are with helping him grow and stand on his own. I was blessed with parents who did not share this mind set. With a four-year-old daughter to take care of at home, three trips a week with me for my eye treatments were out of the question for Mother. My folks decided that at eight, going on nine, I was old enough to make the halfhour trip to the big city, all by myself. Since I could not see the street and bus signs, even with my new glasses, I needed to memorize the route.

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Mother went with me the first time. Instead of escorting me along the way, she held back and encouraged me to take the lead. She was there as backup only. I could not see the traffic lights but there were plenty of pedestrians to watch and walk with. After that, I always made the trip alone. In these days of child predator concerns, this may seem risky; but frankly, there have always been child predators. Often they are not even strangers. Sometimes they are next-door neighbors or even a family member. I was safe because my parents had provided me with the armor I needed. I knew I was to avoid friendly strangers, especially those who offered me food, seemed to be acquainted with my parents, or claimed to have some special instructions from them. I also knew that strangers, who showed no interest in me, could be stopped and trusted to give me help or proper directions. How proud and confident I was of myself and how secure I felt in dealing with such responsibility. I am sure that my mother was in an agony of worry and concern every minute of the time I was away, but I took a valuable step forward in self-reliance. It was a great feeling to be on my own! Shielding children from life gives them a distorted view of the world, and leaves them unprepared for meeting problems on their own.

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LITTLE PEARL 30 LIFE MUST GO ON

UNDAUNTED Scott, Rosie, Loretta Sara, Carolyn When special needs arise, it is important that they do not overshadow the ordinary flow of life. I am so proud of my youngest son and his wife. Rose, their third child, was born with a missing heart chamber and no

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pulmonary artery from the heart to the lungs. She has had three open-chest surgeries in her first year of life. Once, they almost lost her. We knew in advance that Rosie would be born with one heart chamber missing. It is a problem that the doctors knew how to manage. A missing pulmonary artery was a wrenching surprise. It is the artery that takes the blood to and from the lungs. Without it, the survival rate is zero. The only hope was multiple surgeries and an artificial artery, but lung tissue is fragile. It is difficult to make proper connections. During three open chest surgeries, stints were inserted; became clogged; cleaned and replaced; clogged again; cleared and reinserted. There were days when her tiny little body would remain surgically “open” in case the surgeons had to go in quickly. Then came the inevitable. There was nothing more that could be done. Rosie was not expected to live through the night. Balancing home life with hospital visits is difficult under the best of circumstances, but Rosie was born on the brink of the holiday season. Christmas brought with it the looming specter of a funeral. How do you balance the welfare of a newborn with that of two other active youngsters, ages two and four? How do you smile and shake hands with Santa Claus when your heart is breaking? Somehow, life must go on and be enjoyed. For three months, Rosie endured pain, relieved only by coma. Then on that final fateful night she rallied, turned the corner, and started the long journey upward. There was a “miracle worker” in California who might be able to help. He had dealt with this kind of problem before. Endless phone calls and arrangements later, Rosie and her oxygen tank flew out to California, a blue baby functioning on only one third of one lung. She returned a healthy pink, the favorite color of her two sisters. Rosie was accepted and welcomed home by both. It is easy to see why she might not have been. Mom and Dad had been pre-occupied and stressed for months. Undoubtedly they were sometimes sharp with Sara and Carolyn. Undoubtedly the two little ones felt left behind

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with only grand parents, relatives, and strangers to take care of them. Still, Mom and Dad made a point of taking special time out. There were jokes, love and laughter. At bedtime, except for a short time when both parents were in California, one or the other parent was always there. It was important that Carolyn and Sara know that Mom and Dad were there for them, just as they were for Rosie. Rosie is now a normally active three year old with two older sisters, age five and eight. They lead her a merry chase, as she does to them. She still has one more surgery to go, and will always have one heart chamber missing. Her mother tends to be a little over-protective, so I wondered what kind of life Rosie might be allowed to live. I was pleased to hear that both parents agree. Rosie can do whatever she wants to do. Life must go on and be enjoyed. A life, not fully lived, is not a life at all.

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LITTLE PEARL 31 GOD’S FLOWER GARDEN

Children are like flowers. They need love to bloom. There is a little old lady who lives in our neighborhood. Year after year, every spring, summer and fall, her yard is filled to overflowing with the most gorgeous array of flowers, all tastefully in harmony and neatly arranged. One day I asked how she managed to make it happen, when our

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own gardens struggle to survive; and when even those commercial gardens and local parks did not boast such dazzling beauty. With a wave of her hand around the yard she said, “These are all of my children. For you, other things are more important than a garden. To the park caretaker, it is just a job. For me it is an act of love.” And it is true. I have heard stories to that fact regarding flowers. I understand that African violets do so much better when their owners pick up each pot and talk individually to each plant. I have often thought it was merely because the carbon dioxide in the breath gave them nourishment, but then recent scientific studies seem to point to a love factor as well. Children are a great deal like flowers. Do too much for them and they rot at the roots. Refuse them firm and gentle discipline, and they grow like wild weeds, destroying all around them. Work hard to provide a wealth of good things for them and those very things choke out creativity, initiative, and self-reliance. Raise them in a hothouse of protective concerns and they grow up unable to weather the inevitable storms of life. On the other hand, it will pay you handsomely to nourish their blossoming personality and enjoy their uniqueness. Don’t expect them to be a rose, when they are happiest being a daisy, dancing in the breeze. Shelter them from the fiery heat of household anger. Be a trellis of support on which they can grow. Provide clear boundaries within which they can flourish. Spare them the stormy disputes between the heavenly gods—their parents. Each child is a precious human soul that can be destroyed by ego, harsh treatment, and neglect; or made magnificent by nurture, gentle discipline, and understanding. Tend your garden well.

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LITTLE PEARL 32 ANOTHER MAN’S ROAD

Share your ignorance instead of your knowledge. Let them teach you. We began this book by quoting Mark Twain: “No man can reach Heaven by another man’s road.” And then we added

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that you would gain more mileage with your kids by following their road map, instead of yours. Perhaps this is the key to it all. Like God, who can see with crystal clarity what you and I should do but do not do, we see with equal clarity what our own children must do to make things work for them. Unfortunately, it does no good to tell them. They see things from another side of the mountain. In the minds of our kids, we just don’t know the score. It is an almost impossible task for one person to learn from another man’s mistakes. If the lessons are to stay with us, we need to make our own mistakes. Maybe this is the very best place of all to start. One always learns more when he has to explain it to another. By letting your offspring teach you, he will learn a great deal more than by your telling him what to do. It forces him to think things through for himself. For example, let us suppose that your son wants to make it big in the music business. He is nearly out of high school, has only a rudimentary ability at fingering the guitar, writes songs that do not make sense to you, and can’t carry a tune in a bucket. You and I know that he has a better chance at hitting it big in the Irish Sweepstakes than he does in the music business. Or does he? Stranger things have happened. The point is that neither you nor I know a great deal when it comes to the music business. Probably your son knows less, but you do not say to him, “Do you know anything about the music business?” Instead, you say to him, “I just don’t understand the music business. Tell me what you know about it. What do you need to do to make it work for you? What can I do to help make it work for you?” Really take an interest. If neither of you know much about the subject, ask him what can be done to find more information. If you need to suggest to him where to look, ask this as a question rather than as a statement. Let him tell you. Don’t you tell him, unless you have a real revelation that you want to share. He will discover soon enough that he needs to do a little homework to answer your questions. In

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this way you help him build up his own reservoir of experience. Most important of all, you must not consider this a sparring match or a way of changing his mind. It must be an honest searching for answers. Treat it as if you really wanted to do this thing for yourself, as well as for him. You may surprise yourself by discovering some opportunity that you, yourself, may want to take advantage of. Shortly there will come a time when you can honestly say to him, “I begin to understand how tough it is to break into the music business. What is your plan B, if things don’t work out for you?” It makes it so much easier if you can start this method of dealing with little problems early. (Note the chapter entitled, “Choices.”) We all want to make our own choices. Children are no exception. Early on, guide them gently into making their own decisions. Help them find those directions that will work best for them. Later, when the big problems arise, it will be so much easier to continue this type of guidance. Still, it is never too late to start. Honest respect for the judgments, intelligence, and decisions your children make can go a long way toward bridging chasms. (Note the chapter entitled, “Like Father, Like Son.”) It is your job to set the example. They must be allowed the freedom to follow. Whether the problem is one of picking friends, managing money, baking a cake, dating, selecting a college or mate, it is always more effective to ask for information and set good examples. It is never appropriate to ladle out advice, order about, or make demands. (Others) should be taught as if you taught them not.— Ben Franklin

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AFTERWORD The editors have suggested that you might like to know what has happened to the grand children since the book was written. Sorry. I can’t do that. It is impossible. In early pages Teagan started learning sign language at eighteen months. Toward the end of the book she is four. She is still four. Oh, I forgot! At this writing she is four and a half. She says that after that she will be five, and then she will be six, and then she will be seven, and then she will…Yes, Teagan, we know you can now count to one hundred. Kids grow up so fast. It is impossible to keep up. The point is that by the time this book goes to press and you get around to reading it, Teagan may be on Social Security. Rosie, Sarah, and Carolyn are currently the same ages as quoted in Little Pearl 30 (three, five, and eight). The pictures of the two families were from 2005 and 2006 Christmas cards. Everyone still looks about the same, but some of the kids have grown about an inch. Both families live within half and hour of Grandpa and Grandma. It is hoped that Rosie will have her final surgery in the summer of 2007. I worry about that. I worry that it will be harder for her now. When she was an infant, she knew nothing but distress. It was just the way of this world. Now that she has tasted the joys that life has to offer, I fear that the ordeal will be that much greater. Nevertheless, as we have said so many times before, in so many different ways, it is not what makes us feel good or bad, but what is best for the child. Oh, by the way, in case you haven’t guessed by now, I am Grandpa. Grandma likes to keep in the background. She helps me keep the commas, quotation marks, and grandkids in line.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR Those with sight look into the eyes. Those who are blind must look deeper. For nearly seventy years Robert W (Bob) Klamm has been peeking into the souls of youngsters and parents alike. Mr. Klamm was born nearly blind in Kansas City, Kansas in 1930. No one knew he was nearly blind (not even himself) until he was eight years old. He just kept on bumbling along. Then he discovered how to perform magic and it opened up a whole new world to him. He tells the story in his humorous and inspirational memoir, Fly Like A Bumblebee. The book has received awards for both youth and adult non-fiction, been made into a stage play, recorded by the Library of Congress Talking Books, and published as a Braille book. Drawing from the unique combination of blindness, performing magic, and twenty years of directing youth in high school theater, he sharpened his comic sense to produce his second book, Get More Laughs From Your Laughs. It provides specific details on how to create humor, and bears the Editor’s Choice award from the publisher. With twenty years of teaching high school; seventeen years as founder-director of a youth magic club; the mentoring of his own children and youth of all ages; and a six-year stint in an advertising agency, he has developed a depth of understanding denied to most. He applies this in a delightful way in Outfox The Kids For Fun And Profit. To read and hear excerpts of his writings, check out his web site at klammbooks.com. Bob and his wife, Berniece, live in Independence, Missouri, with a magic shop in the basement. They have two grown sons and four grand daughters. Son Dale is a journeyman for IATSI, the stagehands union, and has headed stage crews for Kansas City’s Theater League as well as the city’s mammoth outdoor Starlight Theater. Scott is employed at Midwest Research Institute where he does classified work for the government. A major love of his is presenting folk music programs for local schools.

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Mr. Klamm may be reached through his two web sites: klammbooks.com, klamm-magic.com, or by E-mail: [email protected].

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FURTHER READING How To Keep Your Teenager Out Of Trouble Neil I. Bernstein Workman Publishing, September. 2001, New York NY Family First Dr Phil McGraw Simon and Schuster 2004, New York NY The Ten Basic Principles Of Good Parenting Laurence Steinberg Simon and Schuster 2004, New York NY

Bully: The True Story Of High School Revenge  Jim Schutze HarperCollins 1998, New York NY

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