Oglaf Book 1 [1] 9781936561988

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Fonts by Blambot Comic Fonts & Lettering www.blambot.com © 2020 Doug Bayne and Trudy Cooper. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without express written permission from the copyright holder, except for brief excerpts for review purposes. Published by TopatoCo A division of The Topato Corporation 14 Industrial Pkwy Easthampton MA 01027 oglaf.com topatoco.com Fifth Printing November 2020 ISBN-13: 978-1-936561-98-8 10 9 8 7 6 5 Printed in Canada

the oboe always sounds like jism to me.

cumsprite some towers just have horns.

3

sperm are born to race.

‘dobBing’ is the australian word for ‘telLing’.

4

‘sperm’ is short for ‘spermatozoOn’ apparently. That just sounds like a kids’ show to me.

He was Doing it miss!

5

why don’t they make tisSues with pornography printed on them?

we’re alL about the dentistry.

you have served welL, cumsprite.

6

can I splash on your titTies, bosS?

don’t pity the spent cumsprite. it’s in a better place.

...I

can’t even...

Given free reign you might wank yourself into a coma

on account of your new chore

You’ll be oiling down the hot bitches.

Twice a day.

What are you talking about?

semen is potential people. eating it is potential cannibalism.

I’ve enchanted your semen, apprentice, because you are now forbidden to masturbate.

7

the no-pants prison.

life can be harsh and unpredictable. At least it’s not harsh and predictable.

I’ve captured a pair of succubi

8

they get so dry... and no wanking yourself!

now don’t try fucking themI’ll be checking your cock for blisters.

you’d think they could just secrete something.

I wonder how sponges clean themselves.

9

prisons often have nice moOd lighting.

the star filter arRives.

10

it tastes watery but almost toO watery.

fountain of doubt

11

don’t be afraid of love.

8 legs of love

12

catsuit So here’s the thing: if you transform yourself into a shiny leather catsuit, soon some kind of girl will come by... Alright now boyhang me from the tree!

Leave now, boy! I think I hear ladies’ voices!

Aaaaargh! Oh God! heeelllp meeee!

origin of the one-legged sorcerer.

...and put you on!

13

cockhunt

carRying boOks about makes it loOk like you’re working.

he who fights urges should beware lest he thereby becomes urges.

an exciting time for you, apprentice.

14

Tonight we fuck. Y-Yes Mistress! Thank you Mistress!

P...

I hope it’s somewhere good.

...you can find your cock.

...provided?

I’ve hidDen your penis somewhere in the palace.

it feEls cold... you have two hours. ...do try to find it before the cat does.

maybe... metal?

it’s only magic ‘til you know how it works.

...was what fuck?

15

while lOoking, I found threE other lost cocks.

if I were my penis, where would I hide?

16

a’s goo-

involving other people in your sex life just complicates it.

oh, ‘eah-

17

I guesS if it was the fountain of skeletons, there’d be a big hole where the skeletons come out.

fountain of death

18

maybe it’s the fountain of water so delicious...

...even dead people want it.

that does sound pretty delicious.

magic fish “Ooo! Got me again” it says. “throw me back, I’ll give you another wish!”

Can’t be much of a lifebeing a talking fish.

I Think it takes my bait because it’s lonely.

poor old magic fish. none of your stupid wishes came true.

I love you, magic fish.

I love you too, Fisherman.

I’m sorry. I was just saying that for attention.

together they built a house half in the water.

I kEep catcHinG the saMe MAGic fish.

19

blue door

behind the forbidDen doOr you’lL find a selection of exports from the forbidden zone.

Hey! Hey BuddyForbidden door here!.

20

I’m not saying you don’t want what’s insidejust thathoooo! you don’t wanna get caught sneaking a peek! HeEeEy! SeriousI’m Just helping you out here...

Yeah, piss off then.

this is what? a moRoN trap?

fUck oFf.

But I’m not really all that forbidden, and there’s some great stuff inside...

we got off to a bad start this afternoon You heard mistress! If I don’t get him by wednesday, I’m kindling!

You’ve got to get out of here!

And what? I leave this place, I’m not a doorI’m a fucking plank!

what goddamn choice do you have?

fuck, manI blew it! I came on too hard and he knew!

if I was forbidDen to brush my teEth as a child, I’d stilL have them.

Look, I’m sorry-

21

suddenly... hard!

hard!

written language displaces the oral tradition.

hurting hard!

22

wish I could read.

Okayyou get a wish, but here’s the thing-

if you don’t wish for a suck of my cock...

...I cut your legs off

umm-

the genie went on to open a restaurant but had trouble with the concept of a menu.

simon the wanderer

23

the fountain of youth shoOts out a lovely cascade of youths.

fountain of girl

24

youth! at lastsweet, tender

youth!

actuallyI never looked like this when I was young.

any animal that drinks from the fountain turns into that girl. there’s a lot of her about.

HAW!

25

skulls!

is that where the drinking term comes from?

bring me wine in the skull of an enemy!

26

find me an enemy with no eyes!

they don’t have skulls, sire!

so... thirsty...

tribute day pardon?

fitTing yet suspicious. realLy, mistresSI’m a diplomat, not a... venerial gourmet

taste his cock, ambasSador.

for poison. uh-

there are restaurants for venerial gourmets but they don’t really advertise.

prince cyrRon of aub presents this magnificent slave, oh dark patron.

27

falconry. putTing litTle hats on animals for 4000 years.

slavefuck that man’s face.

28

nosend his head home in a box. of scorpions. who sent me this falcon?

the primate of Gar, mistress.

I like it.

call off the assassin.

falconry is a dying art for everyone except falcons.

war, mistress?

29

just stick your old sword in the stone- whoever pulls it out gets your previous job.

noblesse oblige

30

rigor mortis Turn!

everybody loves shitTy puns, right?

now you without the jaw- go down on beardy.

31

invincible shield-maiden She can’t be defeated in battle!

any wound you make on her...

that’s the tower of the invincible shield maiden.

‘i’ before ‘e’ except about half the time.

...appears on you instead!

32

oh godyour cock feels so good inside me. that’s your cock, idiot.

wolf!

Ha Haaa! I can’t believe you fell for it three nights running!

you people are so...

you all saw thata wolf got him the moral of this story is ‘only lie twice.’

Alright, boywhere’s your wolf?

33

casual reading

book of love

34

35

the boOk of love isn’t just about sex. it has chapters on whose turn it is to do the dishes.

36 who doesn’t love that wonderful book smell?

hEY! I WASN’T FiNiSHED, YOU STUPiD BOOK!

we always fuck the ones we love.

better not.

37

king-shaped a word in private, majesty-

the shape-shifters grow ever bolder, sire

they’re in this roOm!

in fact...

welL, now I just feEl like an idiot.

they’re among us! So are we!

I think I know that guy.

38

honor! you have no honorlike a woman!

my honor demands it.

victory at sea!

let nothing tarnish it.

no...

bloOd and thunder!

39

a startling return to porn.

a hundred tiny eyes

40

ng.

you’re in trouble! trouble!

I’m telling! trouble!

telLing mistresS!

they’ve kind of got your eyes, ivan.

what?

telLing!

41

fresh horses seriously this time?

honestly. really really.

squeEze my tits.

involves no actual horses.

oh god yesmy titsyou’re making them huge!

42

harder!

you said this wouldn’t happen!

what? that’s what they do!

this is why we went out of businesS!

as if!

they tried again next month with ‘starfuckers.’

oh god! I’m coming! I’m cuhI’m cuuuh-

43

I’lL show you in spring, it’s a treacherous thing, ‘we missed you’ hisSed the cockbats.

giant cockbats!

44

do they actualLy want cock, or is that just the noise they make?

cock! cock! cock! CocK! CoCK!

as we get close, you might see some giant cockbats. fair just the noise enough. they make.

adult education

ghk-

I’lL HeY? show you!

uh-

there!

that probably says ‘cat’ a rejected pitch to sesame street

HOY, GOAT GiRL! I’m learning to read!

45

premature ejaculation is mature content. go figure.

another one!

46

hey?

look at me and squeEze a word outit might spelL my name!

probably there’s a cat in that log.

it’s ‘cat’ again!

you can write me a letTer!

okay!

do my name!

if you want your cock to learn anything, sometimes you have to give it a smack.

clever!

47

sadly, evolution favours practical over awesome.

bad falcon

48

kill!

also, elves where this arrow lands we shall bury our beloved prince!

ayiee!

elves get very old.

I’m sorry sireit went into somebody’s arse again.

49

clasS discrimination at its ugliest.

the pink haze

50

hilting Kronaryour hand!

hands on your fortes, gentlemen.

leave it in the scabbard.

51

princesS fear not, princess!

Ah.

A knight, a beast, a seamstresS.

um... sorry.

52

don’t worry, bosstomorrow for sure.

sermon Hark ye the pure and repent your evil ways!

chastity you! Moustache! and modesty abound! Suck more cock! The god of lust looks show some respect! down and weeps!

embrace the gift of desire or face his wrath! Thank you very much! Next sermon in twenty minutes. should I wipe the sermon ofF my face?

You with the tits! Keep up the good work!

53

pork chisel

her skin was like marble and so was her hair.

what sorcery is this?

54

I make what a Nah! statues great Just kidding! can idea! I’m a sculptor! you fuck!

I have a cursed penis.

Gosh! really?

did you say something? nope. just whistling loudly.

cornwalling I desire the duke’s wife.

actuallyjust change your form to hers. I’ll lie with you.

well, come on man! look a bit happier about it! wizards and wizard-enablers.

...ocliss, cloruss, hebulatiss...

yes, my liege.

55

son of kronar I am Kronar, son of man.

for a hundred generations my fathers have kept the bloodline pure.

how we get barbarians.

free from woman’s taint.

56

today, my son is born.

57

how we get rugs.

scabbard magic talking scabbard, sir?

Ooo! what does that do?

marvels at a price you can afford.

I’ll take it!

58 58

I’ll fetch the manager no refunds.

it’s an analogy for something but I forget what.

this does nothing!

59

snow queen welcome, traveller, to the boudoir of the snow queen

uh-

your tongue’s stuck to me, isn’t it?

A cunt joke at last!

yeth.

60

lapis lazuli

a pious punch in the nose.

flee while you can, thiefan ancient secret makes us unefeatable in battle

61

a word and a blow.

wh- what are you doing, lady?

62

63

thank you, cover of player’s handboOk.

a very deep chasm

royal family and palace employeEs not eligible to enter.

I cast the royal signet into the chasm of grim succor!

got it!

the beast with at least eleven eyes never sleeps.

whoever retrieves it will be my heir!

64

marvelous! you shall marry my daughter!

blaggard!

off with his head!

the obituator tm war looms, but fear not! the dwarves are forging a wondrous sword to rally our forces!

a sword with four plusSes.

okay, so first up, it’s the size of a plow, which is awesome!

to bite and here is where you strap while you smite! a live viper!

this is the bit that flies off and cuts up their faces!!

it comes alive at night and fucks your wife!

you got no wife? No problem! we’ll make you one!

with a huge cock!

We’ve decided to try diplomacy. the dwarves were the lowest bidDer.

on the back is this huge cock!

65

a capital punishment

I think ‘asSasSin’ has roOm for an extra ‘asS’

Ah! our would-be assassin!

66

No? Good for you.

tales of the soft-hearted sniper.

“I was just taking my poison darts for a stroll on your roof”?

a falcon isn’t just for christmas.

I will escape these chains, tyrant, and I wilL kilL you!

kilL?

kilL?

in threE hours time, You’lL beg me to...

it turns out bones are totally laser-proOf. When robots attack, hide in the osSuary.

may as welL preserve your dignity.

67

sanctuary

had that cult song stuck in my head the whole time.

quickly! this way!

I have diplomatic privelege! they can’t arrest you if you’re in my embassy!

thief! thieeef!

always use diplomatic condoms - nobody is imMune.

wonderful! where’s your embassy?

68

this... this is war! I’m a city-state, I tell you! A city-state!

My legs are farmland! my arse is a palace!

what’s a region need to do to get recognised in this town?

relief ...and now, good abbot, if you’ll point me to the poorest hamlet in the region, I’ll spread your wealth among them!

a freEbooter plies his trade.

who wants to suck my cock for two pieces of copper?

69

lute Stay back, coarse ruffians! I possess the power of song!

Hey di fiddle-do ridDle-de-dee! Hi do fiddle-de-hey!

a lovely stabBing song.

I can’t get that fucking song out of my head!

70

ring of bliss

ring of invisibility through being buried.

fukken hey!

fuck!

he loves it!

he just died from happiness!

it totally makes you happy all the time!

he needs the best headstone ever! fuck!

I don’t think it’s a metaphor for drugs. it’s a fairly rubbish one if it is.

hey!

hey! hey hey hey!

71

a pinecone

pine cones are like pineapPles but only in their pineyness.

desire is the cause of all sufFering but fuck it - live a little, I say.

come here, apprenticeI would show you a wonder.

72

would you like it?

A... PINECONE! ...if you kiss the xoan ambassador.

deeply on the mouth.

very wellit’s yours.

your air freshener smells funNy.

-snort-

what... just happened?

magic box. makes you want whatever’s in it.

pine treEs tried pinecubes and pinespheres before deciding.

trulyyou’ve earned this.

73

ulric the just

the double-edged sword cuts both ways but the 100-blade swordball slashes the shit out of everyone.

justice, like comedy, is only goOd when it hapPens to other people.

this will not stand!

74

justice is served!

you have no concept of justice.

enjoy your new wife.

Aaa flatbear.

they blow in on the northerlies.

having consumed its victim the flatbear, now resembling a normal bear, will sleep for three weeks.

northerner whale-skin cloaks. Not as sexy.

75

some time ago...

awesome one-page origin special.

the all-seEing eye gets groped by the all-touching hand.

so!

76

teaching yourself proper magic behind my back? what’s that? I should activate the fire wand? I’m... so... sohohreeee

really?

put the notice up.

noI-

I’m so proud of you

really?

my chamber. ten minutes.

the arts of romance

make lovecraft not warcraft.

you just need to slow down, honey.

the light scatTering through your dorsal sacs looks so lovely.

take me as your lover, princelingI am well versed in the arts of romance

77

cavalcade of wonders for centuries the dwarves dazzled us with their wondrous creations

cunt auger!

death to the pixies.

transform ring! put it on a woman, she becomes your wife!

apParently a cavalcade is like a parade, except shit.

we already have those.

78

it doesn’t drill holes! it drills vaginas! by the time we built this you arrive, chariot that’s waaay faster it’s already been there six hours! than you!

what happens if I travel in it?

wand golem! totally made of magic wands! he shoots fire and shit everywhere!

yeah! We stole the idea off you guys! took weeks to clean the little bastards off the ceiling

the good ship ivan ah. yes. thank you for seEing me at this hour.

a delicate diplomatic situation has arisen.

in which sea legs are aquired but not realLy used.

the xoan ambasSador has become drunk

and insists he be alLowed to use you as a rowboat. neither do I.

I don’t remember why I thought that would be fun.

yes, ‘ivan’ is the apPrentice’s name.

I don’t know what that means.

79

ingratitude

a turkey isn’t just for thanksgiving.

‘gratempty’ might be a better word than ‘ungrateful’

a missive from my mistress, potentate

80

ingratitude!

I provide you passage and protection and this is my return?

Viper!

scurrilous wretch!

reprobate! leave us.

profane debaser!

aweless cavalier!

this scorn will not stand!

I’m sorry

I Can’t hear you!

agarg!

how did you find her? remorseful

I’m grateful I don’t have to clean this up.

I demand apology!

81

love potion

non-magic potions also available. we calL them ‘drinks’

did you drink the potion?

crosS my palm with silver then bring me the unholy hybrid.

no noit got spilled.

82

I need more of that love potion!

I know, but I just can’t stop thinking about that potion!

you should sell it in wide-neck flasks that you can fit your cock into!

get the fuck out of my tent!

get out of my tent.

breastplate Why ain’t you got a beard, boy? You some kind of lady-man?

they also say you hate women.

you here to chat about your period, son, or do you want to commission some armour?

apart from that, though, it’s really good armour.

he’s drawing a lot of fire from the amazons.

they say you make the finest armour in the land.

armor with a ‘u’

83

glove

kids don’t like kid gloves as much as the name implies.

I don’t mind the iron fist but your velvet glove is flaring up my alLergies.

touch me.

84

I... I’m not allowed

please-

my flesh aches for your trembling grasp

this isn’t working!

I looked up ‘nubile’ and it means ‘of marRiagable age.’ fuck that! I thought it was something goOd.

this is clearly a trap.

oh god! Oh god yes! you can still get free! knead me like a desperate baker.

yessslike that-

85

slipPerinesS in the workplace is how acCidents occur.

big shout-out to the albumen fetishists.

it was a trap, idiot!

86

glove epilogue Oh, right‘Free ride fridays’ wanted: balLista squad members. must have own balLista.

we got one!

woah! we don’t shoot anyone flying naked, remember?

87

in the original fairy tale, the witch got suspicious when she noticed rapunzel was pregnant.

rapunzel

88

you’re in trouble!

you’re in trouble for getting kidnapped and wanking!

yes, thankyou cumsprite.

we now have the internet for coMmunication plus jerking ofF.

He was in prison and he was jerking off using fat for lube and he was naked! And He said ‘I was kidnapped’ and then a bird tried to eat me but I got away!

89

ahH, slapstick.

can I splash on your titties?

...if, uh... I may continue?

should probably have got tiny galoshes.

no.

90

my master has captured your apprentice and demands fifty gold ingots as ransom.

fuck that! I can get a new one for free!

alL his hard work has paid off.

you’re in trouble! I’m telling mistress!

can you help me out the window?

I cast my seEd on stony ground but one of the rocks got pregnant.

rapunzel epilogue

91

all the human women, all the human women, alL the human women - if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.

92

human women

in which objects get objectified.

let us go to their town and steal human women for our brides!

ha hA Haaaa! my human woman is the hotTest!

You are wrong! My human woman is gaGging for it!

emancipation

just pay the fucking ransom!

either that or start dressing like a beEkEeper.

six wet splats and a shout.

93

emancipation epilogue

hostages and recipes are exchanged.

normally, I’d just have you executed

but to be honest, the new boy is kind of rubbish.

why is this room so grEen? fetch me a greEn outfit.

what?

94

there was a ‘wheel of death’ being made, but we had workshop issues.

so... Ivanwhat animal am I thinking of?

uhsalmon?

correct.

welcome back.

I already miss nudity and chains.

she totally has a thing for me.

95

snowbound

frosting.

easy now!

snowbalLing.

ten minutes!

96

that’s enough for anyone!

you can do it ari!

slap her tits!

telL her she’s beautiful!

back to the boudoir.

welcome, traveller, to the boudoir of the snow queen.

oh godnearlynearly-

that’s going to sting once it thaws.

I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!

97

Meltwater

candlemas.

you can make snow angels facing down but not as many.

I’m... sorRy...

98

I hear you idiots have some gold.

imbolc.

I like what you’ve done with ice. warms the place right up.

I’m not sure this is...

oh!

it’s a litTle early for the maypole.

I’m sorrythis is the boudoir of the snow queen.

99

gentlemen, start your almanacs.

‘vernal’ sounds ruder than it is.

100

snakeskin

welcome to the lair of the mamMal.

Heh. Snake tits.

fuck off, imbecile.

my face. I said look at my face.

I can’t believe how hard my cock is right now.

the invincible vampire gorgon doesn’t show up in mirRors.

Gaze on my visage, mortal, and perish!

101

labyrinth AlLow me to present you this enormous cheEse.

there’s one in your ear, apParently.

what is it labyrinths are with you awesome! and this labyrinth?

102

foOlish theseus! I built the entire labyrinth out of string!

Sire, I wilL build a labyrinth to house the cheEse!

no! the kitchen wilL do fine!

sire! the queen has given birth to a monster!

my master also sends his regards

sire! I wilL build a labyrinth to house the regards!

sharks vs jets

before you finish me, know this...

nomy powers work fine on good people

alL that is required for neutral to triumph is for good and evil people to do nothing.

you are only a master of evil.

103

skein

monster cocks. Not as big as the internet would have you believe.

you have beaten me, human but the maze will be your death.

104

wrong, beast! to lead me out, the king’s daughter gave me this!

so... there are kitTens, right? ...and they show you the way out?

pusS?

pusS pusS puSs?

sheela na gig

the one tower.

Scoundrels have snatched my voluptous daughter and taken her to their tower!

um-

the eyes are the window to the soul. The doOr isn’t specified.

In there! Quickly! Please!

105

I openly admire secrets.

secret admirer

106

I feEl many secret emotions.

old-schoOl smS bulLying.

Me next! I’ve got one!

107

seriously, dude. you can stop repeating what I say now. ‘seriously, dude. you can stop repeating what I say now.’

108

balcony scene

your eyEs like limpid, peat-lined poOls

your eyEs like limpid, peat-lined poOls

I ache to feEl your cock inside me

your lips are dewy petals

your lips are dewy petals

I ache to feEl your cock inside me

balcony scene epilogue

rostand calLs it ‘romance.’ I say it’s identity theft.

keep goingI found my cock for you

109

changeling it is time! tonight we disguise you as a human child and switch you over!

probably just colic.

but... I w-want to stay heeeeeeere!

110

Stop it! this is what we do. you know that!

but... I don’t want to live with humans.

well, you don’t have to want to, but you still have to go.

baby’s crying a lot tonight

sweetmeats

it’s time to butcher the sugar cow.

you- what you do is you get a big clocka grandfather clock

you lay it down, you open the door and paddle it... like...

no! there’s no such fucking thing as a time boat!

sweeter than sweetbreads. and breadier, actualLy.

In what? some kind of time boat?

aaaah, apprenticeI have crossed oceans of time to be with you

111

sooth

the kind of future you cause by predicting it.

the soOthsaysrs say ‘nay’ like naysayers.

remember princeling, you cannot fight destiny

112

what if it’s your destiny to fight destiny?

no way am I letting that little shit become king

salty tales

deft fingers set sail to aft of the mizZen!

at first it don’t seEm like nothing- one wilL brush up against the other-

but that weren’t no acCident and she knows it! She’s sighing like a clipper with four sheets out!

she hauls down the bowsprit ArR- ye’ve is this a and realLY starts to guessed me seafaring tale cleat the buntlines! terRible secret. or are you just um, never beEn masturbating sorry- under near a boat the table? in me life.

let me get out of these wet clothes and into some other wet clothes.

sea witches, sonthey’ve sent many a fine lad to his end

sea witches live on the sand but you can’t call them that.

113

frog beh-heh-hehhh, beh-heh-hoo-hoohooooo

fucking amphibians. When will they finalLy comMit?

why do you weEp, littLE MiSTRESs?

it’s my face! it felL into the welL and I can’t fetch it out!

move along, princesS. No loitering.

welL... say ‘hi’ to the quEen for me.

114

soRry, did you say ‘face?’

oh! it was so pretTy! you should have seen it!

snif

always use dental dams when kisSing anura.

frog epilogue serious, manput it back. I don’t want to look at it.

I think it needs some piercings.

I’m a princesS! A pretTy princesS! I Loooooove you!

115

when life gives you mascara, make masquerade.

masquerade

116

AHHh, yeswelcome to the temporary embasSy

the nation of Xoan is keEn to re-Establish negotiations with the state of apprentice

ha haaa! I’m joking, of course. have a little cakeimported specially from xoan ambassador... Please“sandoval”

I’m not supposed to be here I have to go now.

well you’d best eat the morsel quickly, then

delicious. thankyou. goodbye.

yeas. thank you.

it used to be a coat-hoOk. now it’s my costume.

so get yourself naked and we’ll begin.

117

I’m sorRy-where are my manNers? diD you want some antidote?

it’s an antidote for that love potion which is making you want to try the antidote.

enjoy what you have left of the evening

118

antidote?

oh- that reminds me Oop- that’s the last of it, sorRyyou might have to suck some ofF my cock.

frightfulLy fashionable nowadays.

premature requiem

not a note, thoughmystery! romance! pale and lifelesS on the bed, clutching a lock of my hair!

or a locket with my picture!

if I’m dead in the morning, you’ll be boiled alive.

oh my god.

so if that cake was poisoned, you’d better find more antidote.

you’ve taken yourself hostage.

I’ve got a big bag of them here!

I’m going to my room.

that’s so adorable!

Oh no, apPrenticedon’t die alone!

so... it was poisoned?

lockets available on sandoval’s etsy page.

I’m going to my roOm and writing a note saying ’sandoval did it’

119

jackal gnaws bone.

archaeologists discover plush remains in cushion mausoleum.

this cushion mausoleum will honor your memory forever.

120

it definitely wasn’t poison. ngnNAhNn! what? what is it?

was it pride? yeeass... it’s always pride.

so peacefullike you’re stilL alive.

if it was poison you need to say.

your horns are hurting me. away, jackal! have some respect for the dead!

just so

some guy... stabbed me in the stomach...

your stories suck!

we’ve bEen through thisthat’s your belLy-butTon.

if you calL your child ‘rudyard’ you have to expect questions.

those mountains got their shape when some big guy lay down there.

and these flowers these treEs got stripey when used to be white some guy with ‘til some guy a paintbrush... with blue eyes cried on them!

121

frog 2

there used to be a second welL here but it felL in the welL.

be-herherrr, beh-herher-herherrr

122

wEeping is a great way to meEt people.

why do you weEp, naked stranger?

perhaps if a terrible I kisS you, witch has turned me you’lL change back. into a slut.

welL, you don’t seEm much difFerent.

oh, do you think so?

actualLy, now I feel funNy. how so?

far tOO warm for so mild a day.

I’m just going to loOsen my bodice.

felicity

true. it sadDens me but I will prepare a pleasure craft to take you home.

a return but not a comeback.

take me as your lover, bold hero, and I wilL show you delights undreamed of.

you honor me, but were I to acCept, I could never return to the human realm.

heh. turnips are awesome.

you can’t spelL ‘coral’ without ‘oral’ but I forget why that was important.

you have saved the land of indulgence from peril, human. stay with us and we wiLl honor you all your days.

123

chastening

it would be a mistake to spare the rod.

for my naughty apprentice. He was in here after I forbade him.

I need your help in planning a cruel and wanton punishment mmmn?

Don’t blame yourself. Young people have no discipline.

ivan’s trickiest disguise to date.

I’m considering the words ‘politeness costs nothing’ cast in red hot iron and shoved up his arse letter by letter.

ha haaaOh, but smelting takes so long. 124

mmn... true

So- here it is. we dress him up as a tiger.

sexy tiger or rubbish tiger?

sexy!

my apprentice is to be dressed as a rubbish tiger and brought here.

destruction of the unconvincing habitat has left the rubBish tiger endangered.

Hot Marmalade. then a public cock-whipping. don’t feel like being a tiger? Bad luck. start running.

quick work by your sewing team.

no, we already had that one. oh my god! he’s been poisoned!

first things first - some fresh cushions.

we’ll have a tiger hunt! With butter and curtain tassels! And when we catch him we’ll cover him in marmalade!

125

infffirmary

‘poison’ is such a harsh word. I prefer ‘potion of shut the fuck up.’

he ssuffers from poissson and sssexual inexperiencce

126

the poisson will be easssy. the inexperiencce will take longer.

ohleave the inexperience. it’s a rare jewel in an age of poverty

very well. but we will not be resssponsible if it ends up killing him I haff the Llubeworm

we will not be needing it

ffetch a polyp of cleanssing

open your food tract, mammal

if it’s any comfort, you did the right thing.

the antidote was poison too

‘forensics’ is full. send it to ‘leftovers.’

infffirmary epilogue mmn. well, thank you for trying

we even tried an applesauce transfusion.

this one iss dead and hass been cooked. we could not save it.

127

egg > TADPOLE > FROG > PRiNCE. THE CYCLE OF LiFE CONTiNUES.

frog 3

128

ha haaaaa! I can’t believe that worked! Okay- okay- so we get five million frogs and turn them all into a frog!

can we even do that?

so she’s kissing it and... POW! Frogalanche!

yeah!

and every frog is an ape or something

Except one really is a prince so she has to keep...

heterogeneous

take your shoes ofF first.

but... please... be gentle. bear in mind the limits of my frame.

we have no money but your help must not go unrewardedlie with me tonight.

that’s terribly decent of you. I... can’t tell you how glad I am to see that!

you were going to... seriously... that pride’s going to get you people killed.

hey! Get out of here! Bit of privacy, please.

maintaining the popular 2:1 leg-to-cock ratio.

that really isn’t necessary

129

salome

your order for seven veils is being procesSed.

Mighty salome! A gift from my people!

it was a mistake, I was a teenager and I am sick to fuck of hearing about it.

either put that away right now or be fucking executed

‘salome,’ because ‘salami’ is a boy’s name.

ohhhh- you’re not going to execute me if I...

130

do a little dance!

I hear she man, I bet she’s beheaded a guy making out with because he that guy’s head danced for her right now!

hot!

salome epilogue

Fuck off! I wasn’t! uh, no daD- when I said I wanted head from john the baptist...

majesty, your bath is... Oh! I’m sorry!

131

reward

I often give myself litTle rewards. some calL it ‘stealing.’

anything described as ‘its own reward’ is probably worth avoiding.

You have saved us from the banditscome claim your reward.

132

the poster said ‘gold’. cock isn’t an acceptable substitute.

uh... the town is poor

the town is flammable. I’m after a hot womanvoluptuoushead is a big bag of freaken gold!

Oh look! She’s just behind this tree!

I am totally hot and fiscal for you! lick my hard cash!

if you’re not into cock, I can get somebody else for you. what’s your type?

mmn- let’s see... Shiiiiit. Hope I still get paid.

stamen

‘angiosperm’

that’s right you stripey little whore... alL the way in... umMdon’t mean to pry, but...

yeah, you love that sweet nectar, don’t you baby? do you people... you know... do sex? no!

that’s a branch.

then they fucked. Their ofFspring was sterile, though, as is often the case with hybrids.

sticklebarkwe’ve broken camp and are ready to... oh! sorRy!

133

kronar takes a toll

it’s thermopylae divided by 300.

sire! THE STRANGER STiLL HOLDS THE BRiDGE!

ENOUGH MADNESS!

TELL THE BARBARiAN HiS DEMAND WiLL BE MET!

a crosSover with sex! a sleEpover!

cease your I AM A river gibbering to my people!

134

Ehh heh heh herrr

Heh herr herr haarrrh!

...and the child sired by that wizard is me.

ARRH HAR HAR HAAAARRRR!

135

fairest

she’s amazingly goOd at tetris for somebody without eyes.

...but the night fairy envied heart-of-oak, who had married the most beautiful fairy of all...

136

fairest to midDlingest.

...her head was perfectly square like an apple box

sorry- she was most beautiful but she had a box head?

that’s what fairies find attractive. Now, the night fairy... what’s that, honey? Your slutty twin sister is coming to stay? Of course I don’t mind!

stealth kill

Ooo! THere’s another one!

The gate’s open! Why the fuck can’t assassins just go through a gate?

maybe they spend so long practicing backflips they forget how to walk.

hey look! twitchy’s made a dust angel!

it’s customary to kill the meSsenger when the mesSage is stabBing.

the silent asSasSins.

137

tribute day 2

tribute day rolLs around again so quickly.

our town is poor, but we have devised three new sex positions for you.

the jimi hendrix tribute band left this jimi hendrix.

you can name them whatever you like!

138

that was the saddest attempt at sexual creativity I’ve ever seen. our town is also poor in imagination.

Has this box always been here? sure. whatever.

blanket

it’s only a namelesS horRor ‘til you name it.

Oh my god! It’s night!

ha haaa! look at it go! how long before it’s actually ready to rampage?

another six months, mistress

fly, my horror and destroy them!

gnaw their shattered bones in the ruins of their temples! just shoot them.

it was cuter when it was a pupa.

with this The city of marvel, escallope presents the you control wondrous time itself! blanket!

139

portrait

show us your portrait face.

I got a painting of a panel van on my panel van because that’s the only thing I like.

and the monster’s got a mouthful of severed cocks! good ones! yes, mistress

140

and there are skulls! flying skulls and lightning!

of course, mistress good! Give them to my apprentice. he can be crap together with them

your apprentice? are you sure, mistress?

And a ribbon underneath saying ‘rending the flesh of those who bring crap tributes’

Where are the crap tributes? Are they destroyed yet?

certainly, mistress I’ve devised an ‘incense of bad decisions!’ why have you labelled it ‘incense of wisdom?’

not yet, mistress ...I don’t know

shaft

not enough words use a triple ‘o’

ohmygod! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!

the ‘maker of labels’ was another tribute.

you squander your opportunities

141

deadlier than the ‘cudgel of sympathy.’

BRRK!

fuck... I was... meant to be guarding that

teach your minions first aid.

nmngnngn

142

escaping in your own confusion.

All the apprentice’s fault!

the ‘window of opportunity’ isn’t one of the tributes.

Apprentice! IT WAS the apprentice!

143

a pair of gloves could have saved lady macbeth, toO.

the tiny monster killed the guard and went berserk!

144

Yes, they’ll do that. probably it will tire itself out and be back by dawn

ha haaaprobably!

who knows where it is now! it won’t come off shut up!

it will never come off shut up!

they’ll know and they’ll skin you for boots! shut the fuck up!

also, you killed me that was gravity!

no, I think he’s cute

dare you to fuck him, then

really? sure

okay, I will

sentry down!

they’ve breeched the lard!

double dare you to have a threEsome with him. double dog dare you to... never mind.

shaft epilogue

145

anthropomorphisations of the seasons have troubles of their own.

solstice

146

at last! some heterosexual porn.

mnnh... no... just had a dream

hibernation hair.

it’s far too early m’lady- has something disturbed you?

147

ravine

two clifFs nearly touch.

my question for you, bridgekeEper, is ‘where do you go to the toilet?’

Ask your question, bridge keeper

148

I’m going to say ‘sad tosser’

technically I have to accept that

what... does my cock taste like?

is a fuck out of the question? none shall pass.

the immaculate city

this party neEds more snacks.

pardon me, consul, but I was wondering if you brought a spare monster

Ooooh no.

no no nooowhy would I need to if home is closer than chastity?

...right. What I’m asking is do you have another monster? with you?

All the lovely beasts of vanorva are right under your nose

okay, greatcan I see your other monsters?

another cuNning disguise.

in case something happens to the first one

149

creEpy old man fetish.

now is a great time to buy real estate in the chastity belt.

Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? The golden spires of Vanorva are further than you could ever travel

150

You mean those golden spires? That’s where you keep your monsters?

but closer than you dare to dream Purity. rectitude. restraint.

Ooooh, precious boy! Never give up your wondrous jewel!

what the fuck are you talking about? You see the enchanted city because, like me, you have chosen to remain a virgin

blowjobs don’t count

stalker

I know, but I won’t be long! I won’t go far!

I just need to get to the golden city! It’s Right there!

You can go back to your chamber or you can get hurt

nobody enters, nobody leaves. We have a situation.

I’m going to the magic city!

Oh, I forgotmagic city left a message that it isn’t real.

csi middle-earth.

Where’s the apprentice?

151

dust his asS for foOtprints.

For Fuck’s sake! Why are you fuckers fucking with me?

HeyIt’s okay...

Then I punched his face and kicked him down the stairs

was he injured?

decriminalise the criminal justice system.

Yesss. He wass here. but we sshowed him our sssecret exxit

152

We promissed we would tell no-one

Yess! We promissse many thingss!

“Thisss will not hurt” iss our ffavourite!

t-t-t-k-p

bleeding from the head, captain

Good work you may laughh withh us if you wisssh

k-k-kt-k t-p-p-pk-p

night of shame

the guilty party.

You’re a baaad personI said... Hey! Hey Lady!

you shouldn’t beeee heeeere

that’s not your cloak. did you steal that?

what is wrong with you?

murder, lies, deceit, fraud, corruption of innocence

you kiiiiilllled me

also, can’t get anyone else’s attention

misS smilla’s sense of remorse.

You’re not reaall lesbiaaans

you destroy all you looooove

153

in

virgin oil.

who... who’s there?

just... wait there, okay?

traveller. here for the monsters

‘travelLer here for the monsters’ who?

I smell oil. Are you heating oil in there?

154

It’s going to take ages! go down and keep him talking!

but you so... how come must be! you’re an outsider or how could but you’re still you be here? a virgin?

I... I’m not a virgin!

you know we do monsters mail-order, right?

anyhowI’m constantly having sex done to me.

so wait, if you... Aaarg!

so you’re... a virgin harlot?

p-please! DON’T violate ME!

WHAT’S HAPPENiNG? lARS? ARE YOU OKAY? LET ME iN!

iS HE STiLL OUT THERE?

when purchasing cauldrons, consider ergonomics.

I fuck things all the time! I sucked...

no! lookI just want to buy a monster, okay?

155

the slutboard gets used at last.

do not make sudDen moves near the slut. he may think you’re hitTing on him.

aahhg!

156

n-no! he’s gone! we’re going to need a calligrapher!

dawn of the slut

we’re not open yet and may never be.

Go away! We’re good people and we don’t want to see your penis! You sell monsters. sell me a fucking monster!

Please! Spare me and take my lovely daughters to do with as you wish!

hang onyou people are all virgins.

how do you have daughters?

Oh my god! the slut’s seen through our ruse without even seeing it!

don’t fancy my daughters? perhaps you’d care to lick my salty wife?

Hello? I’m here to buy a monster.

157

undercroft yesssssss we sssshowed the apprentisss our ssecret exxit yesss

he crept out on ssinisster businessss

THROUGH THE CATACOMBS

I PUT GHASTS IN THERE.

YESS. WE SSENSED THEM. THEY DREW USS TO THE SSECRET PLACE

FOR HATSSS

FOLLOW ME.

YESSS

TERRIBLE FLESH-EATING REVENANTS

WE HARVESSTED THEM

NOBODY LEAVES THE CASTLE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION

TODAY HASS BEEN ILLUMINATING

our pants are made from ghosts.

YESSS

158

ON PAIN OF DEATH

WE CANnoT KEEP SECRETSS FOR SSHIT

high noon you’re saying it’s just a coincidence?

I can’t believe this! that slattern killed twenty-four men!

no it could be a coincidence

why are you protecting that filth?!

very well set the daybeasts on him...

but if men keep disappearing?

so what? who cares if we kill a slut?

oh, but he’s not just a slut...

he’s a customer.

the customer is always right but sometimes the right person gets staBbed.

you don’t know that

159

hello? I need a monster! anybody?

twenty percent ofF bitey bags today only.

he’s the kilLer!

160

the real kiLler is stealthy

just coming behind the counter here...

the real kiLler is clever

just buying a monster... payment on the counter!

are you hurt?

I just I just looked...

you exposed a monster to sunlight

I just looked!

ninety percent of monsters explode in the sun. didn’t they tell you that at the shop?

even rarer are the monsters which explode in gravity.

the real killer leaves no trace.

161

only god can judge and that guy hates sluts.

ivan’s having a beautiful dream that nothing bad is about to happen.

I didn’t know that! how could I know that?

162

okay it’s still okay. I go back to the shop...

here. let me wipe your face

it’s not for us to judge sluts.

slutTinesS punishes itself.

if I said you had a beautiful body, would you feEl afFronted on behalf of your head?

madam, you are the tulip, the orchid, I am the beE or butTerfly or some other animal that sticks its cock into flowers

so now we know who we are, hoist up your skirt sorRy, are you using it now?

sSh.

I have a knife

oOh! my litTle coqueTTe!

you leave me no choice but to use... seduction you’ll feEl it any moment

actually, I just feEl sorRy for you.

that’s how it starts!

don’t spoil this moment by not fucking me.

the mackerel

163

the pea sew, sing, pine... princess activities suck!

you could always disguise yourself as a boy and enter tournaments

being a princess is bullshit!

taste the ivory tower.

or any other boyish sport you fancy

164

say it again, bitch!

I’m a princess! a pretty princess!

the blank page what’s this? who are you?

so are you going to write some poems or am I going to tear your balls off and hunt ostriches with them?

yeah, she had an accident. I’m your muse now

you’ve been productive, m’lord! shut up! writing!

love is okay, I guess, if fear is unavailable.

I’m your fucking muse you little polyp

no no! my muse is willowy! alabaster!

165

meanwhile...

you are my hostage but your pants are free to leave.

wake up now!

166

now wake up!

whenever you’re ready

how do you fight what you canNot seE ‘til the animator puts it in?

if you throw dirt in the hydra’s mouth, its teEth turn to skeletons.

use item

167

nightfall

actually, I think I was up while I slept.

I’M ALSO GOING TO FUCK YOU!

Ah! Good evening! glad you’re up.

my skulL colLection got wet, so I’m drying them.

tonight I’m going to kill you

168

okay, butthe sex happens before the killing, right?

but guess what else?

we’re not going what’s going on? to fuck, are we? who are you? you were just saying that

who the fuck are you?!

I... I’m the slut! you know?

from the posters!

what did they calL a bulLet-pont list before bulLets?

is... is this true?

these don’t count, right? if I lose my virginity, my friends will cut my throat

...totalLy don’t count

I’ve never even heard of half these things! let’s do... flang!

Excellent choice! you’ll need to take your clothes off and untie me

you can flang me right where you are

if I can just kick that barRel, it might explode.

yes. all true.

169

is that a subliminal penis in panel 3?

vampires love alL bodily fluids. Just spit in their mouths and they’re hapPy.

harder! hard harder!

170

stop! you have to stop!

oh fuck! wait wait wait no!

uhh-h! uhhn.. nhh!

oh my god... blow jobs are adorable!

two reports my apprentice.

you pass it on by dying or pulling the arrow out. Once it’s in your hand, you have a moment to break the curse by returning it to the instigator

have you found him yet? no mistress

He was in a magical city just outside! He was getting sucked off! I saw a lady’s uvula!

yes mistress

no mistress

can I splash on your titties?

I’ll let you field this one, captain pardon, mistress?

Punitive pearl necklace. Tits out, captain don’t calL it a stool pigeon.

And did you think to check for magical cities?

171

potion of girlfriend what can we do now? Anal! anal doesn’t count!

god yes!

really? okay, we need lotion or oil or something

fuck! w... what?

it doesn’t have to be you! I can get another virgin!

adD ‘litTering’ to the murder charge.

the signal... my friends are outside waiting for a virgin

172

why do your friends...

technicalLy it’s a lotion.

are they your friends?

okay! it’s okay! I’ll be late, but...

“anal doesn’t count” and I nearly fell for it!

enjoy being butchered, asshole!

wait! waitWhat?

a...

I like your fish-tank fulL of heads - no, wait.

you’re... a trap!

173

dance like nobody’s watching. by which I mean ‘naked.’

montage!

174

oh alex, you’re the only boy I’ve ever loved

‘Ivan’

hush. don’t ruin this moment

there were two! where’s the second one?

militia! nobody move!

guys! guys! where’s the first one?

where’s the mother-nothing first slut?!

if you’ve laid a finger on her there’lL be trouble!

I warn youyou’re messing with the power of love! you people alL shop at hot topic, right?

what’s going on? where’s felicia?

175

dearest

just foLlow your penis.

if nude erect night sprinting was in the olympics, I’d care much more about sport.

where is she? where’s felicia? so help me, I’ll destroy you all!

176

she’s iN THE treES!

OH ALEX, LOoK! I’VE HAD TWiNS!

AND THEY’RE TOTALlY HOT!

FELiCiA!

he’s throwing the potion off and we’re still inside the city!

wait! wait! wait! I don’t think she’s real. hang on.

oh fuck

I love you, alex! remember all I mean to you!

tits! I need some fucking tits in his face!

two kinds of tackle.

alex! it’s me! felicia!

177

gosh those treEs loOk welL fertilised.

the wedDing, alex! how can you disapPoint your mother?

well, they were coming but then he turned and ran

aww, looks like he wants to break up

don’t make me cry, alex!

...and there’s the third kind of tackle.

tits, alex! follow the sound of my tits!

178

FELiCiA! that’s right! in the woods!

I’m coming, felicia!! I love you!!

we love you too

don’t be ridiculous. everyone loves felicia

one sleep ‘til princemas every day I wish for my prince, but he just doesn’t come

wait, wait,wait! I’m thinkin’... fukKen induced coma!

fukKen yeah!!

fuck that guy!

we put you in a sweEt fukKen magical sleEp!

prince fucksticks wakes you whenever he comes past!

no more waiting, no more singing! it’s fukKen win-Win!

ohmygoOdness, thank you! you’Ll alL be dukes when I’m queEn!

a crown would help protect you from that.

whatever are you saying?

179

okay honey, go ofF into the woOds with this guy who kilLs things for a living. no reason.

the huntsman

180

your stepmother bid me kilL you and bring her your heart

if you grab a princesS’ skirt, she can’t escape.

but I canNot harm you!

alas, I must return with your heart

flee with me then! we will live as or the queEn’s outlaws in the armies wilL scour forest! the world! but wait! it neEd not be your heart!

whatever can you mean?

what?

lassie I’ve got a decision to make here

either I throw felicia at you-

you vanish outside and get murdered -or-

you tell me everything about the slut

ewW - strawberRy nesquik.

where he’s from. why he came. what the plan was.

181

if you drink the potion, felicia romances your stomach.

182

oh alex, you’re the only boy I’ve ever loved

my leg hurts

hush. don’t ruin this moment

what’s going on? where’s felicia?

sluuuuuuuts!!

she’s in the woods!

AAaaA

alarrgl arvoob aybies

oi!

oh! he’s beautiful! ...it’s a ‘he,’ right?

FELiiiCiAa

183

184 don’t moOn dying people. seriously now.

in which ivan gets a hat, of sorts.

I can explain everything! I hear you can explain everything

you never get a hug when you arRive with your hands tied.

doOR! doOr! open the dOor!

185

albatross

in which an iron is heating but we don’t get to see it.

for extra points, present your five sins as a song.

As I count, you’ve done five things recently that I really should kill you for.

186

can you name them? Give it a try.

you have the time it takes for an iron to get red hot Oo! Ooo! I know this!

no no! Wait! Don’t say that!

Oh! And! tell them to drill a hole in your head so I can fuck it!

saysay-

One- you’re a fuckup and you do everything wrong

“I sniff panties and I touch myself anally and whenever I have a problem I just cry”

And that you wet the bed for attention!

uh-

you had a one-note life and dumping your inane shit on me won’t change that, you worthlesS fuck! there’s... going to be a next time?

do you appreciate, apprentice, who this is all for?

I punish, hoping you will improve next time. not for you personally.

but there oh, yes. will be another apPrentice

return his magic arrow, captain. I’m finished.

businesS as usual in the pasSive-agGresSive torture chamber.

And that... shut the fuck up!

187

the arRow of regret apologises for not shoOting you soOner. busy schedule.

wait, wait, lady no-

188

Aaaauughh!

come on! He’s not dead! Serious!

you all saw him breathing, right? He was breathing!

guys? GUys! guUUuys!

guys?

oh my god! This is all my faAault!

oh! oh! the rose unbloomed! the pearl unformed!

the poor dear crumpet, forever unbutTered

we don’t often do funerals for apPrentices. usually we just sweEp up.

sorry to interRupt at a time like this-

but he isn’t dead, sir

what?

some kind of magical sleep, sir.

But I’m dresSed for a funeral

very nice, sir. dolorous but predatory

oh, those moist eyes!

those quivering li-hiii-iiips! exactly

tears on my pillow. somebody sew this up.

lament

189

‘lachrymose’

liiii-iiiiiiinhiiiiiiiii-

mwaAaAagGghHhHh! why why whyYyyyy!

PARDON THE AMBASsADOR. HiS FUNERAL DRUGS HAVE come on EARLY

as a body fluid, tears don’t get much of a run in porn.

AHhHH goOoOh noOoOh beEeEeE soOoOo snoOoOoh!

190

no funeral today sircome and we’ll find you something sad to look at

IIII doOoOnNn waAaANnN tOo loOoOoOk at saAaAaAAD

deEpest sympathies, sir

oh my god! I’m totalLy inconsolable! realLy, sir? you’re holding it together terRibly welL

wake

we have a gate, you know.

yeah! I love how he...

what say you and I fuck our way out of this town?

just watched all my friends die. FeEling horny.

soooo- fan of the slut?

191

is... it supposed to look like that?

we were cursed not to turn green. that’s alL behind us now.

just put your cock in it

192

johmygod. so... so soft so...

your love has broken our ancient curse! hey hey hey! cock back in!

but you saved...

shut up and finish fucking!

stupid fucking town Get the fuck back here you...

proper town planNing stops cities from getTing pregnant.

every hundred years, our city.... I don’t fucking care!

193

muse the fourth volume this year! he’s been so prolific!

your museum is now a mausoleum.

and lookthe same dedication page as always

please- the bleeding has started again. I need a doctor

is there a ‘least dramatic fight scene’ award?

use it! Use it in your work you whiny fuck

194

thank you strangeryou’ve freed me from hell!

oh, I’m no strangerI’m your crippling self doubt.

well thank you so much! I promise to never write again! I think that’s for the best

fingers this cell will never hold me

when is a screw not a screw?

I’m so deft I can fuck a man to death and make his widow come before he hits the floor

are you trying to seduce me?

I don’t think you could get it up

and why is that?

but my fingers are so light you didn’t even notice

sleight of handjob.

oh, I gave you a quick handjob when I stole the keys-

195

scheherazade

to find out what hapPened to ja’far, do a search on ‘the threE apPles.’

welL, ja’far, threE days are up! have you solved this horRific murder?

196

or do I have Uh...well two thingsto murder you firstly, murder not horRificalLy?! as solved as I hoped

but... but I’ve made an amazing discovery! yes? yes? what did the wily ja’far say next?

gosh! it’s bedtime. if you want to find out...

...you’lL have to delay my execution by another day

yes. uh, okayah! okay, brace yourself...

tell me what the wily ja’far said next!

okay, so these two guys came in...

go, you arabian stalLions.

around night four, you run out of positions.

2 arabian nights

197

beot

somebody checked you can’t just get monster repellent, right?

When the monster comes, I will battle it unarmed! I will choke its life out with my bare hands!

198

monster delivers pizZa, doesn’t get tip.

weakling! I wilL tie my wrists, bind my eyes and kick the monster to death using only my sense of smeLl!

Pathetic! Watch as I kill everyone I know, cut ofF my own head, falL backwards into the fire and still best the monster with only the charRed remains of my cock!

what the fuck happened here?

the weeping woods you’re like three hundred times the size of a baby.

you can stop cryingyou’re just making yourself look bad! but... I can’t be the size of a human baby. that’s not how it works

clearly you’re a monster in disguise Ooo! wait!

Oh my god! someone’s abandoned a pile of 300 babies!

we have to help!

we won the ‘beautiful baby’ contest when my giant child ate the other contestants.

seriously! it’s not working!

weEping maples, weEping wilLows, a few onions.

199

if you love high fantasy or xenophobic jerks, we recomMend ‘worms of the earth’ by robert e howard.

the weird woman

200

queen of spring

the queEn’s not a morning person. or a person.

tread carefulLy, impetuous boy!

her lair is strewn with the bones of those who failed! she’s a bear, isn’t she?

what?

you’re sending kids ooh! it’s like to fuck a sleEping you don’t want bear and get eaten winter to end

deal’s ofF. they’re on to us

and then the wasp emperor built a palace of jam, but that’s a different story.

SoOOyou seEk to wake the queEn of spring with your love?

201

SeE? SEe? I told you! I warned you this would happen!

okay, I’m not sure you understand what a werewolf is

oO! throw me at the fat guy with the mace! I hate that prick!

the first rule of carpentry:

never falL in love 203

204

205

wager are you a gambling man, ivan? because... I’ve got a wager

what’s going to happen, seE, is that I’m going to fuck you very hard indeed

for you and it won’t cost you a thing but if you falL pregnant, you must surRender the child to me

206

what do you say? would you care... for a wager?

207