Nathan Nuttboard : Family Matters 9780702241840

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NATHAN NUTTBOARD FAMILY MATTERS

EATON’s first novel, The Darkness, was published in 2000 by the University of Queensland Press, and was shortlisted in the Adult Fantasy division of the 2001 Aurealis awards for Australian speculative fiction. Since then he has written six further novels, has twice been awarded the Western Australian Premier’s prize for Young Adult Writing, and has been shortlisted for a number of other national and intern ational Children’s book prizes including the Older Reader’s category of the 2005 CBCA Book of the Year Awards for Fireshadow which won Honour Book of the year. ANTHONY

He lives in Perth with his wife Imogen, and a slightly deranged kelpie puppy named Chelsea.

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Also by Anthony Eaton Young Adult Fiction The Darkness A New Kind of Dreaming Fireshadow Nightpeople: Book One of the Darklands Trilogy Younger Readers Nathan Nuttboard Hits the Beach The Girl in the Cave

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Contents Cover Author Bio Also by Anthony Eaton Title Page Dedication Family Chapter One – Trouble brewing Chapter Two – The announcement Chapter Three – Changing rooms Chapter Four – Room mates and houseguests Chapter Five – Settling in Chapter Six – Information technology Chapter Seven – Strange happenings Chapter Eight – Operation ‘room restore’ No.1 Chapter Nine – The best laid plans Chapter Ten – More than you can chew 6

Chapter Eleven – Things get worse Chapter Twelve – Braveheart Chapter Thirteen – Allies Chapter Fourteen – Wet behind the ears Chapter Fifteen – That shrinking feeling Chapter Sixteen – Operation ‘room restore’ No.2 Chapter Seventeen – Cats and dogs Chapter Eighteen – A night on the town Chapter Nineteen – At the movies Chapter Twenty – Lying in the dark Chapter Twenty-One – Fallout Chapter Twenty-Two – Beside manners Chapter Twenty-Three – Surprises … Imprint Page

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To Lesley and her Crew at the Fremantle Children’s Literature Centre, who do such fantastic work.

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Family

Families, on the whole, are great. Even mine. Okay, so we have the odd argument, but usually only over minor things. Take the bathroom in the mornings, for example. My older sister Narelle, who is sixteen going on seventeen (though she believes she’s going on about twenty-five), reckons she needs at least thirty-five minutes in there every day before she can possibly even think of being ready for school. I, on the other hand, know for a fact that it only takes me 1.5 minutes to splash some water on my face and pretend to clean my teeth. (Wet your toothbrush and then scrape it up and down against the side of the basin for a bit, so that anyone listening hears the noise and thinks you’re actually doing them …) So I maintain two things: (a) Thirty-five minutes is just plain excessive. Especially considering that she never comes out looking any different from when she went in. In fact, a lot of the time she comes out looking worse.

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(b) If she needs more than half an hour, and I need a minute and a half, I should automatically get first dibs on the bathroom. Automatically. You’d think that would make sense, wouldn’t you? Not to Narelle, though. No. For some reason she seems to think that the fact she’s a girl gives her some kind of sacred right to the bathroom. Take this morning, for instance. I mean, okay, so I might have slept in a little bit after Mum called me, but only about fifteen minutes. By the time I got out of bed I was busting, and of course Narelle was in the bathroom with the door locked, so I knocked and asked, really politely, if I could possibly use the bathroom, just for a minute. ‘Get lost, Bug! And stop banging on the door. I have to finish shaving.’ ‘But your moustache isn’t that big! I think it suits you!’ ‘AARGH! Now I’ve cut my leg. It’s your fault. Stop distracting me.’ ‘Is it a bad cut? Should I call an ambulance? Or would you prefer a veterinarian?’ ‘MUM! Tell Nathan to stop bugging me!’ ‘Nathan!’ Mum yelled up the stairs, ‘have you only just gotten out of bed?’ ‘Nah. I’ve been up for ages.’

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‘Liar!’ shouted Narelle through the bathroom door, which drew her to Mum’s attention. ‘Narelle, you’ve been in there for twenty-five minutes.’ ‘I’m nearly finished. If he’d stop annoying me …’ ‘You’re finished right now, missy. Come out immediately, and Nathan, hurry up. We’ll be late for school if you don’t get a move on. And don’t forget to clean your teeth.’ You’d think that would do the trick, wouldn’t you? But not with Narelle. The door stayed locked, so after a couple of minutes I knocked again. ‘Get lost, Snotface!’ ‘Mum, she still won’t come out!’ Finally, the door clicked open and a huge cloud of steam rolled out, with Narelle in the middle of it. ‘Wow! A gorilla in the mist!’ She poked her tongue at me as she walked past. She had bandaids stuck all over her legs. So, like I say, we have arguments, but only ever over little stuff – bathrooms, who’s responsible for the mess in the kitchen sink (usually Dad, but for some reason I get the blame most of the time), who gets the last bit of dessert – normal stuff. It’s largely because of my dad.

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‘Family’s important,’ he says. ‘If a family sticks by one another there’s nothing they can’t do.’ I reckon he’s right, too. Last summer we went on a family camping trip, which you’d think would be a complete disaster, especially with my sisters. It nearly was too, but things worked out all right in the end and we all had a good time. And you know why? Because when things went bad, we all stuck together as a family. And it’s not just our family, either. My mate Gnarly’s family is just him and his dad (his mum died when he was little) but they stick by one another and Gnarly’s one of the best blokes I know. He’s sort of like one of our family, nowadays, too. He spends loads of time over here and I go over to his place a lot. He and his old man live out by the beach, in this really cool old house which Jim, his dad, calls ‘The Shack’. Gnarly taught me to surf, and we hit the beach most weekends. So I agree with my dad: family is important. But sometimes, you have to wonder …

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Chapter One Trouble brewing

You can always tell when something is about to go wrong in our house. There’re a few signals that are dead giveaways. First, Mum and Dad go really quiet and start having long whispered conversations in the kitchen. Second, my dad goes out to his shed and starts building things. It doesn’t matter what: spice racks, a pergola for the back yard, anything. He says working with his hands helps him to focus his thoughts, which I find strange, because if the results of his projects are anything to go by, his thoughts must be pretty darn blurry. The spice rack fell off the wall as soon as Mum put a bottle of dried oregano in it, and a man from the council came around and told him to tear down the pergola because it ‘posed a serious risk to anyone within about three hundred metres of it’. The final sign that something is up is that Narelle takes advantage of the fact that Mum is distracted and will try to get away with things Mum would normally shut down in five seconds flat. When Mum finally notices what she’s up 13

to there’s always a huge blowout and that’s when we normally discover what’s really been going on. If you’re clever, you learn to read the signs and shoot through at the first available opportunity. I get over to The Shack and hang out with Gnarly, if I can. So when I came home from school and found Dad out in the shed hammering wood into something that looked suspiciously like a really wobbly outdoor table, I was concerned. Then when Narelle arrived home a few minutes later I took one look at her and bolted for the phone. ‘Hey Gnarls, it’s me.’ ‘Nath! What’s up?’ ‘Listen, I can’t talk now. Is it okay if I stay the night?’ ‘Dude, it’s a school night. You know your mum won’t let you.’ ‘Trust me, Gnarls, this is an emergency.’ ‘How come? What’s happened?’ ‘Nothing yet, but something will soon, it’s only a matter of time.’ ‘Huh?’ ‘You know the warning signs …’

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‘Yeah.’ ‘Well, I just got home and Dad’s building outdoor furniture.’ ‘That’s not good, dude.’ ‘It gets worse.’ ‘How?’ I told him about Narelle. There was a long silence. ‘Nath, we’ve gotta get you out of there right now!’ ‘No joke. Can Jim come and pick me up?’ ‘He’s not home yet, not for another hour or so.’ I looked at my watch. It was ten to five. Mum could be home from work any minute. ‘That’ll be too late.’ ‘What about your dad?’ ‘I don’t want to risk it. He looks pretty intent on his woodwork.’ Gnarly thought for a moment. ‘Can you get the bus?’

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‘I guess.’ I’d caught the bus out to The Shack before, but only ever on the weekends, and only during the day. The ride took about an hour and a half. ‘I know it’s extreme, dude, but you definitely need to get as far from your house as you can, and quickly, too.’ He was right, of course. One look at N a relle’s face would confirm that to anybody. I made my decision. ‘Okay. I’ll tell Dad, get my gear together and be on the next bus. See you in a couple of hours, okay?’ ‘No worries. Good luck, dude.’ ‘Thanks.’ I hung up the phone and shot out to the backyard. Narelle was in the kitchen making herself a sandwich. She smirked at me and I knew she was waiting for some kind of comment, but right then I didn’t have time. I slammed through the back door and ran to the shed. ‘Hey, Dad?’ He was fiddling with something on his router. ‘Hmmm … yeah, Nath?’ ‘Is it okay if I stay at Gnarly’s tonight?’ ‘Huh?’ He glanced up at me.

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‘Can I go to The Shack?’ ‘Oh … yeah. Okay.’ Now I was really worried. He hadn’t even hesitated. I bolted for the house. I didn’t make it. I was only halfway across the lawn right next to the clothes line when I heard a sound that made my blood run cold. Mum’s car in the driveway. ‘Oh, no.’ It was worth a try, anyway. I was through the kitchen and up in my room in about three seconds flat. I reckon I would have broken the world stair-climbing record. I threw my school uniform and pyjamas into my schoolbag and headed for the door. If I timed it just right, I might be able to sneak down the hall and out the front door before Mum noticed what Narelle had … ‘WHAT IS THAT THING IN YOUR NOSE?’ Too late. The whole house shook. I swear, the windows trembled. My little sister, Nadine, shot past me in a blue blur on the way to her bedroom. ‘Narelle Nuttboard! You take that thing out of your face this instant!’ Frozen on the stairs, I considered my options. It might be possible to sneak out while Mum was still getting over the

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initial shock of seeing Narelle with a nose-ring, but then again, it might not. ‘I knew you’d be like this,’ Narelle was shouting back. ‘You never let me do anything.’ ‘I don’t want to see any daughter of mine looking like some reject from a pincushion factory.’ ‘Then don’t look at me!’ Suddenly, things in the kitchen went very quiet. The only sound was the back door slamming as Dad came in to see what all the fuss was about. ‘What’s …’ He stopped. I guess he saw Narelle’s face and realised exactly what was going on. I sat on the steps. No way was I going to make it to the front door now. A couple of minutes later Nadine sneaked out and sat beside me. ‘Did you see it?’ she asked. ‘Yeah,’ I whispered back. ‘It looks like she slipped when she was putting on her earrings.’ The kitchen door opened and Mum looked out. For someone whose eldest child had just had a steel ring punched through her nose, she was surprisingly calm. Too calm.

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‘You two can stop skulking around on the steps and come and join us. We have an announcement to make.’ ‘Actually, Mum, I was just about to go over to Gnarly’s for the night and …’ She fixed me with her best death-ray look. The sort that could strip paint off a wall. ‘It is a school night, Nathan, so you will be doing nothing of the sort.’ The kitchen door closed behind her like an exclamation mark. I sighed. Even Nadine gave me a sympathetic look. ‘Come on, Titch.’ We went downstairs. It felt like walking into a tiger pit.

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Chapter Two The announcement

The last time we had a family meeting with everyone around the kitchen table like this we ended up going on the camping trip. And things worked out okay then, so perhaps it would be the same this time. At least, that was what I tried to convince myself as Nadine and I walked into the kitchen. The moment I got through the door, though, I knew this would be different. Narelle was sitting at the table, looking angry. Through her left nostril a gold ring glimmered in the light. The hole where it went through her nose was red and puffy. ‘Nice ring,’ I said. ‘Reminds me of the bulls at the Royal Show.’ She ignored me. ‘You can’t make me take it out,’ she snapped at Mum. Mum sighed.

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‘You’re right. We can’t.’ ‘Eh?’ Even Dad looked surprised. My mother never backs down that easily. ‘She’s right, Kevin. We can’t make her take it out. We might not like it, but it’s her choice.’ I don’t know who was more nervous hearing Mum talking like this: me, Narelle or Dad. ‘Besides,’ Mum continued, ‘this isn’t really about her nose, is it, Kevin? We’ve both been distracted lately. Perhaps it’s time we told them.’ ‘Told us what?’ Narelle had lost her whole angry expression. Now she just looked plain scared. ‘We’re not going camping again, are we?’ ‘No. Nothing like that.’ Dad coughed slightly. ‘Actually, it’s quite good news, really. Should be kind of fun.’ This was sounding worse every second. Mum interrupted. ‘We got a letter from your grandfather in Scotland the other week. He’s coming to stay for a while.’ Nobody said anything. ‘He should be here in a few days and —’

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‘Mum,’ Narelle interrupted, ‘when you say “coming to stay” you don’t actually mean here, in this house, with us, do you?’ ‘Narelle,’ Dad answered, ‘don’t be like that. He is your mother’s father, after all, and —’ ‘But he hates us! We haven’t spoken to him in years. Don’t you remember what happened last time we saw him?’ I didn’t. I was only a baby when Mum and Dad took us to Scotland to visit her parents. Narelle had been about six years old and Nadine was still a long way off. Mum never talked much about her parents, but Narelle obviously remembered them. ‘That was a long time ago, darling.’ ‘Mum, he’s evil. You said so yourself.’ ‘He’s still my father. And besides, I think he’s mellowed.’ ‘Mellowed! Hah!’ ‘He has. I talk to him on the phone occasionally nowadays and he’s nothing like he used to be. Since Mum died he’s been much —’ ‘He yelled at me for touching his sporran!’ ‘What’s a sporran?’ Nadine interjected.

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‘It’s a kind of Scottish belt, with a bag on it,’ Mum told her. ‘Narelle, stop being so dramatic and just listen —’ ‘I hadn’t been anywhere near it!’ ‘Honey,’ Dad jumped in, ‘I think it was probably long enough ago that we can forget about it.’ ‘It was cousin Myrtle. Stupid, whiney Cousin Myrtle. That’s who it was. She spilled orange juice all over it. But did she get blamed? Oh no! Did anyone believe me when I told them? Not likely.’ Narelle was more angry than I’d ever seen her. ‘He called me a “wee fibbin’ bairn”,’ she shouted. I couldn’t help laughing. ‘I don’t think you look like a barn. More like the side of a house …’ ‘Not barn, bairn,’ Dad said. ‘It’s the Scottish word for child and —’ ‘Kevin, it doesn’t matter what it means! Can we please concentrate on the issue at hand?’ Dad looked sheepish. ‘Anyway, where is he going to sleep?’ Narelle asked. ‘It’s not like we’ve got a spare room.’

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‘We thought you girls might bunk down together for a while …’ ‘No way.’ ‘It’s only going to be for a couple of weeks and —’ ‘No.’ Narelle shook her head. ‘I’ve got my final exams coming up this year, and my room is the only place I’ve got to study. I can’t work with her’ — she nodded at Nadine — ‘interrupting me all the time.’ ‘Actually, we thought we might move you into Nadine’s room. Hers is a little larger, after all, and it would save us having to pack up all her —’ ‘No way. You know how important these exams are. I’ll even take out the nose-ring, but I won’t share my room. And I won’t give it up for that old monster, either!’ Narelle sat back and folded her arms. This was great. There was no way Narelle would win this one, and her having to share a room with Nadine was one of the funniest things that had ever happened in our house. You see, Nadine’s room is … well, we’ll get to that. ‘I know,’ I suggested. ‘I could set up the tent on the back lawn for you. It’d be sort of like having a kennel, all of your very own.’ ‘Nathan, if you haven’t got anything intelligent to add, don’t say anything at all.’

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‘Sorry, Mum.’ I grinned at Narelle while we waited for the inevitable verdict. We both knew she would have to move in with Nadine. She wasn’t grinning back. ‘You know, Kevin,’ Mum said at last, ‘I think she’s right.’ Eh? Mum really wasn’t following her usual script tonight. ‘It is unfair to ask Narelle to share her room with Nadine, especially at the moment.’ ‘Well, where do we put your father then?’ ‘There’s only one solution, as far as I can see.’ They all looked at me. An evil little smile crept into the corners of Narelle’s mouth. Oh, no.

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Chapter Three Changing rooms

Nobody in our family is quite certain how many stuffed toys Nadine owns. Mum tried to count them once, but she lost track at 1,237. Her room is full of them. There are stuffed toys covering the bed, the shelves, the top of the wardrobe, her desk, the floor, under the bed. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Some are huge (a full-size German Shepherd replica named Lush), but most are tiny (little cats, birds, dolls, strange shapeless creatures, bears, lions, tigers, leopards, a pink flamingo with one eye missing). It’s frightening. The scariest bit isn’t how many of them there are, though. The scariest bit is that Nadine knows every single one by name. That’s right. Over a thousand stuffed toys, and she can name all of them. Dad tested her on it once. ‘Who’s this?’ He held up a sort of chewed fairy with bedraggled wings. 26

‘That’s Deidre.’ ‘And this?’ A small puppy with a pink nose. ‘Hepsibah.’ ‘Right …’ Of course, she might have been making it all up, so he did a few more, and then held up the mutant fairy again. ‘I told you already, that’s Deidre.’ Like I say, it’s frightening. Of all of them, her favourite is Strawberry. A small pink rabbit, made of some kind of floppy velvety fabric. Strawberry lives in the middle of Nadine’s pillow and she cuddles up to it every night. The rabbit is completely out of bounds to everyone. Even Gnarly, who is possibly Nadine’s favourite person in the whole world, isn’t allowed to touch Strawberry. ‘Oh boy.’ I stood in the doorway of my new temporary accommodation and took in the view. ‘Come on, mate. It’s only for a couple of weeks.’ Dad clapped me on the shoulder. ‘I still don’t get why I can’t just stay at Gnarly’s.’ ‘Sorry, Nath. We talked about it, but it’s not fair on Jim. We’re not even certain how long Grandad Fergus is

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staying, and we can’t dump you on Jim and Gnarly indefinitely.’ ‘But they said they wouldn’t mind.’ ‘Your mother and I mind. And besides, families are important, eh? Families have to stick together. Now come on, give me a hand with this mattress.’ ‘We’ll have to clear a space, first.’ The floor was ankle-deep in stuffed animals. ‘Yeah.’ Dad scratched his head. ‘Yeah, we will.’ He picked up a brown teddy bear in a tattered old waistcoat. ‘You know, I think this might be Joe. My old bear from when I was a kid.’ ‘Really?’ ‘I think so. I seem to remember him having only one leg, though.’ ‘What are you doing with Juniper?’ Nadine appeared at the door. ‘We need to make room for Nathan’s mattress.’ ‘But that’s where Juniper and Lark and Whisper and Elmo and Skyler and Arborio sleep.’ ‘We’ll just move them for a while, okay?’

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‘Hmph.’ Nadine stamped off down the stairs. We dragged the mattress in and dumped it on the floor in the middle of the room. There it lay, surrounded by fluffy creatures. ‘Home, sweet zoo.’ ‘Cheer up, mate.’ Dad winked at me. ‘Can I leave you to get your clothes and everything?’ ‘Where am I going to put them?’ ‘Just make a bit of room in the cupboard. I’m sure you’ll manage.’ He left and I flopped down on the mattress which made a strange squeaking sound. ‘Weird.’ I bounced up and down a few times, experimentally, and the mattress wheezed and squeaked every time like a mouse with asthma. ‘Great.’ Back in my old room, as I pulled the last of my clothes out of the cupboard, I took a final look around. My Machines of Blood and Glory poster was still up on the wall over my bed, but apart from that I’d moved everything else out. My books and school stuff were down in the family room. My

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CDs and stereo were out in the shed, and now all my clothes were in a pile on the floor of Nadine’s room. ‘This totally sucks.’ I slammed the door behind me. Nadine was waiting as I carried the last load of clothes into her room and chucked them onto my mattress. ‘If you’re going to sleep here, you need to know the rules.’ ‘It’s not your room any more. It’s our room. So you don’t get to make up rules.’ She pretended she hadn’t heard me. ‘The main rule is, don’t touch my toys.’ Like I had any choice. It was impossible to move in that room without poking a polar bear, dislodging a dog, or trampling a teddy — as I proved by accidentally stepping on a medium-sized green thing that looked like a sick iguana. ‘Hey! Watch out for Spike!’ ‘Aargh! What the heck is that thing, anyway?’ ‘Don’t you know?’ Nadine rolled her eyes at me. ‘Honestly!’ She got off her bed and walked to the door. ‘Don’t touch anything,’ she warned me again as she left. ‘Great. Just great.’ I flopped back down on my mattress. Spike was staring at me with beady green eyes.

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‘What are you looking at?’ Don’t touch anything, Nadine had said. I thought about this for a second and then, using my school shoes as makeshift gloves and being very careful not to actually touch him, I picked up Spike and threw him out the window. He dropped into the middle of Mum’s roses, just missing Mrs Finke’s cat, which was prowling around our garden as usual. The cat looked at the weird toy and hissed before taking off over the fence like a black streak. Spike lay on his back in rose manure. Somehow, even that didn’t make me feel any better.

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Chapter Four Room mates and houseguests

‘Narelle, get out of the bathroom! The plane arrives in half an hour.’ ‘I’m almost ready.’ ‘We’re only going to the airport, for Pete’s sake. You don’t need forty-five minutes preparation.’ There was no answer from the other side of the bathroom door and eventually Dad stamped off down the hall. I was lying on my mattress, punching a stuffed frog in a tutu and trying to read a surfing magazine that Dad had bought me as an apology for my new accommodation. ‘Stop hitting Murp!’ Nadine shouted when she noticed what I was doing. ‘Sorry.’ I chucked Murp over my shoulder and he flew across the room, landing upside down in Nadine’s ugg

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boot, with his tutu around his ears and his skinny frog legs sticking up in the air. ‘You know, in France they’d eat Murp’s legs …’ I started to say. ‘MUM!’ Nadine yelled. ‘Nathan!’ Mum’s voice floated up from downstairs. ‘You’d better not be tormenting your little sister again …’ I stopped. I was already in trouble for throwing Spike out the window. Mrs Finke’s stupid cat had come back, chewed one of Spike’s beady little eyes off, swallowed it and then ten minutes later had thrown up all over Mrs Finke’s new bedspread. I hate that animal. It also didn’t help that the reticulation in the rose garden had come on and all of Spike’s colour had run. Spike was now a halfblind albino iguana. Apparently Gnarly and I were the only ones who found this funny. ‘He’s throwing Murp …’ Nadine stopped mid-sentence because the bathroom door, which was opposite our bedroom, opened and Narelle emerged. At least, I think it was Narelle. It was hard to be sure under all the black eye make-up. And black lipstick. She was still wearing the nose-ring, too. And a spiked dog-collar. And a black T-shirt with ‘Get Knotted’ written in white graffiti across the front of it. And a black skirt. At least, I think it was a skirt – it might have been a belt.

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‘What are you two looking at?’ she snarled. ‘Narelle, are you ready yet?’ Dad called, before I had a chance to answer. ‘Coming.’ She stalked down the hallway towards the stairs. Nadine and I took one look at each other and followed. Five minutes later we were all in the car, ready to go to the airport. Narelle was wearing a pair of jeans, a jumper, no makeup, and no dog collar. She wasn’t talking to Mum, either, but that was fine because Mum had gone unnaturally quiet. ‘What time does Grandad’s flight arrive, Dad?’ ‘In about twenty minutes. But he’s got to pick up his bags and clear customs and immigration, so we should make it in plenty of time.’ ‘I don’t see why I have to go, anyway.’ ‘Because, Narelle, he’s your grandfather and he’ll want to see you.’ ‘Just keep your hands off his sporran, this time,’ I added. Narelle punched me in the arm. ‘You wait, Bug. Just you wait.’ ‘That’ll do.’

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One lane of the tunnel was closed for roadworks, so there was a huge traffic jam and we got to the airport fifteen minutes late. Then we drove around in the car park for another ten minutes, trying to find a space. I noticed a young couple loading their bags into the back of a little car on the other side of the lot. ‘Dad! Over there!’ ‘Well spotted, Nath!’ Dad floored it and we shot across the car park like some kind of supercharged rally machine. We all waited for Mum to tell him off – she hates it when he drives like that – but strangely, she didn’t say a thing. At the arrival gate there were crowds of people waiting. ‘Has anyone come through yet?’ Dad asked a bloke in a faded singlet. ‘Nah, mate. Flight’s delayed. Check the board.’ He jerked a stubby thumb in the direction of the television monitors above the gate. Flight QF78 from Singapore: Delayed. Expected arrival … ‘Forty-five minutes!’ Dad exclaimed. ‘Great. And parking costs about sixty dollars a second here, too.’ ‘Good thing we hurried.’ Narelle’s voice dripped sarcasm. ‘Yeah. Narelle could have used another twenty minutes in the bathroom.’

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‘Listen, Bug …’ ‘WILL ALL OF YOU JUST STOP IT THIS MINUTE!’ It was the first thing Mum had said since we’d left the house, and she shouted it at the top of her voice. People around us stopped their conversations and stared. The man in the singlet edged away from us a little. Mum took a deep breath. ‘This is going to be hard enough on me without you all bickering and carrying on. Now, all of you go for a walk and be back here in half an hour.’ ‘Where are we supposed to —’ ‘GO!’ We went. Narelle stamped off towards the duty-free shop to look at things she couldn’t afford. ‘Come on, guys,’ said Dad to Nadine and me. ‘Let’s go upstairs and check out the observation deck.’ I really wanted to go and watch a couple of older kids I’d spotted playing video games near the café, but Dad seemed a little down, so I thought I’d better try and cheer him up. On the way upstairs we passed the airline’s special first-class lounge, with a Members Only sign out front. I wished Gnarly was there; he’d have taken that as a personal challenge. The observation deck was right up at the top of the terminal. Huge windows looked out across the entire airfield and every couple of minutes a plane would roar along the runway, either taking off to vanish into the night,

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or swooping down to land, lights flashing. Across from the international terminal, on the other side of the main runways, crouched the domestic terminal, all lit up. We watched a huge jumbo jet being loaded and refuelled right below us. ‘Dad?’ I asked. ‘Yeah, mate?’ ‘What’s Grandad Fergus like? How come we’ve never met him?’ ‘That’s a long story, mate. You should really ask your mother.’ ‘But she never talks about him.’ ‘True. They had a bit of a fight, years ago.’ ‘What about?’ He coughed. ‘Me, actually.’ ‘You?’ ‘Yeah. Your grandfather wanted his little girl to marry a nice Scottish lad, not some Australian bloke. So when she told him she was marrying me and moving to Australia, let’s just say that he didn’t take it too well.’ ‘So why’s he suddenly coming to visit?’

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‘Dunno. It’s a bit strange. That’s for sure.’ ‘But what’s he like?’ ‘He’s … Scottish.’ ‘Eh?’ ‘You’ll see.’ He looked at his watch. ‘Come on, let’s see what Narelle’s up to before we head back to the gate.’ Narelle, it turned out, had also noticed the guys at the video games and that’s where we found her, propped up on a pinball machine. ‘That totally sucks,’ she was saying. ‘Yeah,’ responded one of the guys, a greasy-looking kid with one long eyebrow. ‘Like, totally.’ ‘You ready to come back downstairs, darling?’ Dad asked. ‘In a minute.’ ‘Don’t be too long. You know what your mother …’ ‘Dad, I said I’d be there in a minute.’ I don’t know how she gets away with it. Dad just smiled.

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‘Okay, darling. No worries. See you there. Come on, guys.’ By the time we reached the arrivals area the display said that Grandad Fergus’ s plane had landed. Mum was twitching slightly. ‘Where’s Narelle?’ ‘Up at the café. She’ll be along in a moment.’ ‘I hope so. The plane landed ten minutes ago. He could come out any second.’ Sure enough, a couple of moments later the automatic doors slid open and the first passengers started coming through. ‘What does Grandad Fergus look like?’ I asked. ‘He’s Scottish,’ Mum and Dad replied at the same time. Both had their eyes locked on the gate as though they were glued there. More and more people were coming out now, pushing trolleys or towing suitcases with little wheels built into the bottom of them. Some wandered straight through the crowd and out the front doors to the taxi stand, but a lot were met by families and friends. ‘Mum!’ A little girl standing across from us bolted straight at a tall woman who had just emerged and threw herself into the woman’s arms. They were all smiles.

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A bloke who must have been about twenty-five came through and was immediately mugged by a young woman with bright green hair. For about two minutes they looked like they were eating each other’s faces. ‘Eww. Don’t they have to breathe?’ I asked. Nobody answered. Five minutes passed, then ten. Still no Grandad Fergus. ‘Do you think he missed his connection in Singapore?’ Dad asked. ‘We’d have heard if he had.’ The crowd was starting to thin out now as people finished their hugging and kissing and wandered out to the parking lot. ‘Perhaps we should ask at the airline counter,’ Mum finally said. ‘They won’t release passenger information.’ ‘But they’d tell us if he was on the flight, surely?’ ‘They might,’ Dad replied. ‘But let’s give it a bit longer.’ We did. The last passengers came through and disappeared, and the automatic doors stopped swinging open. Mum sighed. ‘I don’t know. Come on, let’s go and —’

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‘Excuse me …’ A man in a blue uniform came through an unmarked door near the gate and walked straight towards us. ‘Are you Mr and Mrs Nuttboard?’ The patch sewn onto the pocket of his shirt read ‘Australian Customs’. ‘Yes.’ ‘Would you mind coming with me, please?’ ‘What’s the problem?’ ‘We’re having a little trouble with your father.’ Mum sighed. ‘Kevin, you wait with the kids and I’ll go and sort this out, okay?’ She followed the customs man back t h rough the unmarked door and Dad, Nadine and I sat on a row of empty seats. ‘What’s going on?’ Narelle slouched across from the escalator. We’d forgotten all about her. ‘Don’t know. Some sort of trouble with customs,’ Dad told her. ‘Typical!’ Narelle flopped into an empty chair. ‘He’s probably been caught trying to smuggle in some dried thistle or something.’ ‘Don’t be sarcastic, darling. I’m sure it’s nothing.’ ‘Yeah, right.’

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‘Perhaps he heard about your nose-ring and was caught trying to bring in a bale of hay to feed you?’ I suggested. ‘Perhaps he heard about you and was caught bringing in a can of fly spray, Bug!’ It was another half an hour before the door finally opened again and Mum came out, followed by a man who could only have been Grandad Fergus. He was … Scottish. He wore a kilt of bright red and green checked tartan, a black jacket with shiny buttons all over it, and a black bow tie. His face was round and bright red, which matched his hair, and his eyes were hidden behind possibly the biggest, thickest pair of glasses I’ve ever seen. The lenses must have been about half an inch thick, and they made his eyes look like distorted, watery-blue marbles. He was towing a suitcase made of the same tartan as his kilt. They walked towards us, and it was pretty clear that Mum wasn’t happy. ‘… can’t believe you’d try to smuggle a haggis into the country!’ Grandad Fergus replied something that sounded a lot like, ‘Och, can neigh a man hay a wee spot o’ hee oon wee haggis ee this goo fersaken coontry?’ ‘And you can drop the accent, too. It doesn’t fool anyone, least of all me.’ ‘Ach, you’re a hard woman, Mary.’

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‘Come on, guys!’ Dad grabbed Nadine’s hand, and the four of us stood up to meet them. ‘Kids, this is your grandfather, Fergus. Dad, I’m sure you remember Narelle.’ Mum nodded towards her. ‘Aye. She’s the wee fibbin’ bairn who messed up me best sporran.’ ‘THAT WAS COUSIN MYRTLE!’ Narelle shouted. ‘No need to holler, lassie. I’m nae deaf, you know? An’ what’s that thing through your nose? Ye look like a wee bull!’ I snorted, trying not to laugh. ‘And this is Nathan.’ Grandad Fergus peered at me. Up close, you could see all these tiny, broken blood vessels, like a spiderwork pattern, covering his nose, which was huge and red, like the rest of his face. ‘Ye were just a wee runty thing when last I saw ye. Not changed much, I see.’ I couldn’t understand a thing he was saying, but from the look on Mum’s face I don’t think he was being complimentary.

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‘I imagine he’s grown a bit, eh, Fergus?’ Dad gave a sort of awkward laugh and stuck out his hand. ‘Good to see you again.’ Grandad Fergus looked at him for a second or two. ‘Aye. So ye’re still a blethering wee scunner then, Kevin?’ I have no idea what that meant, but Mum frowned and muttered ‘Dad!’ in the sort of voice that makes us kids head for the nearest escape route. If our father was upset, though, he didn’t let it show. ‘And this is Nadine. She wasn’t around last time we saw you.’ ‘Och. A bonnie wee lassie.’ For the first time Grandad Fergus smiled, and he crouched down to where Nadine was hiding behind Dad’s legs. ‘Say hello to your Grandfather Fergus, lassie.’ ‘Why’s he wearing a skirt, Dad?’ Nadine asked. ‘Don’t they have pants in Scotland?’ Nobody said anything. I think Dad was trying not to smile. Grandad Fergus stood up abruptly. ‘’Tis a kilt. The tartan of Clan McCraigh.’ He looked at Mum. ‘Ye didn’t teach them about their family then, Mary?’ ‘Come on, kids, let’s go.’ Dad attempted to grab Grandad Fergus’s case, but the old man snatched it back.

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‘I’ll take care o’ me own luggage, ye drookit gowk!’ ‘What’s he saying?’ I asked Mum. ‘Never mind,’ she answered tersely, and led the way out to the car park. The trip home was a nightmare. Our car is only just big enough for the five of us, so Mum crammed herself in the back with Nadine on her lap. In the front, Grandad Fergus complained about everything: the music on the radio (‘What’s this rubbish? Don’t ye have any decent music in this country?’), the air-conditioning (‘Och, ’tis awful cold!’), Dad’s driving (‘Kevin, could ye drive a wee bit faster? I could use another heart attack!’), and Nadine’s knees against the back of his seat (‘Could the wee bairn stop pokin’ about me kidneys wi’ her pointy knees, aye?’). On top of that, as soon as we were in the car he pulled an enormous pipe out of his pocket and started filling it with tobacco that smelt like dried dog poo. ‘Dad! You can’t smoke in the car,’ Mum snapped. ‘Why not? I could nae smoke on the plane, either.’ ‘You can wait until we get home. It’s only a few minutes.’ Grandad Fergus grumbled but didn’t light up. He didn’t need to, though. The smell from the tobacco was eyewateringly bad. Narelle started coughing.

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‘Ach, that’s a bad cough you’ve got there, lass. Could be that thing through your nose. Cod-liver oil, that’s what ye need.’ We drove along in silence for a few minutes. I think everyone was too depressed to speak. Finally, though, Dad asked in the same bright and cheery voice he’d kept up all night, ‘So, Fergus. How long will you be staying? When’s your flight home?’ Grandad Fergus looked around, a sly gleam in his eye. ‘Home? Did I forget tae tell ye? I’m movin’ in for good.’

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Chapter Five Settling in

‘Dude! That’s bad news.’ Gnarly gave me a sympathetic look. ‘Does that mean you’re stuck in Nadine’s room?’ ‘For the time being, at least.’ ‘That sucks.’ The sea was calm. There wasn’t a breath of wind or a single wave, but as soon as Saturday morning had arrived I’d been over to The Shack like a bullet. No way was I hanging around our house for a second longer than I absolutely had to. Gnarls and I had decided to go out for a float even though there wasn’t much swell. ‘And he won’t explain why he’s come to live with you?’ ‘Nah.’ I thought about it for a moment. ‘He might’ve, but it’s just about impossible to understand a word he says, so if he has I’ve probably missed it.’

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‘How are your parents handling it?’ ‘It’s weird. Mum’s gone really quiet, and she’s stopped noticing anything. Last night Narelle spent almost three hours on the phone and Mum didn’t say a word.’ ‘What about your dad?’ ‘He’s finished building the outdoor furniture, and he’s started planning an extension for the house.’ ‘An extension?’ ‘Yeah, he reckons he’s going to build a granny flat out the back for Grandad Fergus.’ ‘That’s great, dude! It means you’ll get your room back.’ ‘Gnarls …’ I looked at him. ‘This is my dad we’re talking about here. Remember the pergola?’ Gnarls considered this. ‘You’re never going to see your bedroom again, mate.’ ‘Exactly.’ We floated on the waveless sea. It was kind of nice, being out the back away from everything. It’s one of the things I love about surfing. When you’re drifting out off the beach, it’s like you’ve detached yourself from everything that’s happening on land. Including mad Scottish grandfathers.

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And at the moment I needed to be detached. The three days since Grandad Fergus had arrived had been a nightmare, right from the moment we got home. ‘This is it?’ These were the first words he said when he saw the house. ‘Welcome to our home, Fergus,’ Dad replied. ‘Hmph!’ He snorted then dragged his bag inside. ‘You’re staying in Nathan’s room, up the stairs and on the left,’ Mum told him. ‘Och. I hope you’ve given it a fair cleaning. I cannae stand the smell of young lads. They stink worse than a midden of old haggis!’ This was a bit rich, coming from somebody whose personal odour was a combination of stinky pipe tobacco and sweat. ‘Let me give you a hand up the stairs with your bag, Fergus,’ Dad said, reaching for the tartan suitcase. ‘I told ye before, I’ll look after me own bag!’ Grandad Fergus started hauling the bag upstairs, but it must have weighed a tonne and a half because by the time he reached the third step he was puffing and turning even more red than usual.

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‘Are you okay, Dad?’ Mum took a couple of steps towards him. ‘Aye! Stop fussin’, Mary. Don’t be a wee bessom! I dinnae come here to have ye make a palaver of yourself.’ ‘Can you understand anything he says?’ Narelle whispered. ‘Nah.’ I shook my head. ‘Mum seems to, though.’ ‘I know. It’s weird.’ ‘And what about that tobacco? It’s like he’s smoking a dead rat.’ I must have smirked, because Grandad Fergus, who by this point had stopped for another rest on the fifth step, threw a beady stare at me. ‘Ach, laddie, if ye cannae do anythin’ but stand there looking like an eejit, then ye can help me with me case, aye?’ I stared blankly at Dad, who translated. ‘Give Grandad Fergus a hand up the stairs, mate.’ ‘Fine.’ I climbed the stairs and grabbed the handle of the tartan suitcase.

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‘This way, Grandad.’ Turning, I hauled the case upwards. ‘AARGH!’ My arm nearly came out of its socket. I don’t know what he had in that luggage, but it felt like a couple of hundred bricks. ‘Well, hurry up, laddie. Don’t just stand there wi’ your mouth open.’ ‘This thing weighs a tonne.’ I heaved on the handle again. The case barely budged. I couldn’t believe one old man could carry so much stuff halfway around the world. ‘Ach, you’re just a girning wean! Out of me way!’ He barged past and climbed the rest of the stairs, elbowing me in the side of the head as he went through. ‘I’ll be in me room.’ When the door to the bedroom (my bedroom) slammed behind him, I looked down to where the rest of my family were still standing in the hallway. They all had this strange expression on their face, like they were completely shocked or something. Mum shook her head. ‘See, Kevin? I told you it would be like this.’ ‘Mum?’ ‘Yes, Nath?’ ‘What’s a “girning wean”?’ I really shouldn’t have asked. At least not in front of Narelle and Nadine.

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‘A crying baby.’ ‘Hah!’ Narelle snorted. ‘That’d be about right. You’re a girning wean, Nathan!’ ‘Better than being a wee fibbin’ bairn,’ I shot back. ‘That’ll do, kids.’ Dad shook his head. ‘Come on, mate. I’ll give you a hand with the case.’ Even with Dad helping, it took a lot of effort to haul it to the upstairs hallway. At my bedroom door we stopped. ‘I guess we should knock,’ Dad said, scratching his head. ‘But it’s my room!’ The idea of having to knock on my own door was more than I could handle just then. ‘Not at the moment, mate. Come on.’ Dad lifted his hand to bang on the door, but I stopped him. ‘What if he comes out?’ Dad hesitated. ‘Good point.’ He thought for a second. ‘I know, let’s leave the case here by the door, knock, then run for the stairs. If we’re quick enough, we can be down before he answers.’ ‘Okay.’ Anything rather than have to face Grandad Fergus again. ‘On three, ready? One … Two … THREE! GO!’ Dad banged twice on the door, and then the two of us bolted for the stairs. We almost fell over one another in the

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rush to get back to the hallway, but we made it and were both almost in the kitchen before we heard my bedroom door open and then, a couple of seconds later, slam closed again. ‘Dude,’ said Gnarly, as we floated slowly up the beach, ‘that’s pretty bad.’ ‘That’s not the worst bit.’ ‘No?’ ‘Nah. Next morning when I went down to the kitchen, Grandad Fergus was sitting at the table, drinking a cup of tea and scowling, and when I went to scrape my breakfast plate, guess what I found in the bin?’ ‘What?’ ‘My Machines of Blood and Glory poster! He’d ripped it off the wall, torn it into bits and chucked it out!’ ‘Seriously? That’s completely uncool.’ ‘No joke.’ ‘What did you do?’ ‘I told Mum.’ ‘What did she say?’

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‘She said she’d never liked that poster anyway and I should have taken it down myself if it meant that much to me.’ ‘And what did your grandad say?’ ‘He said “Och, I could nae sleep a wink wi’ that evillookin’ bunch o’ de’ils casting me dreams aglae”.’ Gnarly looked blankly at me. ‘What’s that mean?’ ‘Dunno.’ I shrugged. ‘There is one good thing about having him there, though.’ ‘What?’ ‘Narelle’s barely left her room in three days.’ ‘What are your parents going to do about it?’ ‘Do?” ‘Yeah. How are they going to get rid of him?’ ‘That’s the thing, Gnarls. I don’t reckon they can.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Well, I mean, he is Mum’s father, after all. And Dad’s always telling us that families have to stick together and all that.’ ‘Yeah, but you can’t keep living in Nadine’s room.’

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‘I know. But there’s nothing I can do about it.’ ‘Let me think on it,’ Gnarly said. At that point a couple of bigger kids on full-size surfboards paddled out towards us, looking kind of mean. ‘Come on, let’s go in,’ I said to Gnarls. ‘There’s no surf, anyway.’ ‘Cool.’ He was quiet all the way in to the beach and up the path to The Shack. As we hosed down our boards and ourselves, Gnarly had this thoughtful look on his face. ‘You know, Nath, if we put our minds to it we could come up with some plan to make your grandfather want to move out of your room.’ ‘Eh? How?’ ‘I dunno yet, but if you don’t think your parents will actually do anything about moving him along, then I reckon the best bet of getting him out is if you and I can actually make him want to do it for himself.’ ‘I don’t know. Mum and Dad might get pretty mad if we did anything nasty …’ ‘Not nasty, mate. Clever. If we’re smart enough, your folks never even need to know that we’ve done anything at all.’

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‘What have you got in mind?’ ‘Nothing yet. But leave it with me, eh?’ I shook my head. ‘Forget it, Gnarls. Mum would kill us. I’ll just put up with living in Nadine’s room, eh?’ Gnarly raised an eyebrow at me. ‘You sure? Think about it, Nath. Last year we managed to sort out the whole problem with Wayne pretty cleverly …’ ‘Gnarls, we nearly got run over and buried alive. Nadine almost drowned.’ ‘Yeah, but it all worked out okay in the end. All I’m saying is that when you and me work together as a team, I reckon we can manage just about anything, especially some old grandfather.’ ‘Thanks, but no thanks, Gnarls.’ Gnarly gave me a weird look. I think he was surprised that I wasn’t a bit more enthusiastic, but he didn’t say anything more. Not just then, anyway. Instead, he simply raised one eyebrow at me. ‘If you say so, Nath.’

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Chapter Six Information technology

‘Laddie! Come here.’ I sighed and trudged through the door to my old bedroom. The whole room stank of Grandad Fergus’s foul tobacco. After having a great weekend at The Shack with Gnarly and Jim, it was a pain having to come home again after school on Monday. ‘Yeah?’ ‘How do I get this wee device working?’ He had Narelle’s laptop computer – her pride and joy, her most valued possession – open on my desk. Narelle had asked for the computer for Christmas, and Mum and Dad had coughed up for it without question. I’d asked for a drum kit and got socks and a Scrabble game. And now Grandad Fergus had the slim silver machine in my old room and was trying to work out where the modem plugged in.

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‘Does Narelle know you’ve got that?’ He stared at me. His eyes, behind those thick glasses, seemed to look through me like laser beams. ‘Don’t concern yourself about that, laddie. Do ye ken how to get this infernal machine workin’?’ ‘Yeah, I know how, but Narelle …’ Narelle had made it very clear on more than one occasion that it would be more than my life was worth for me to even set a finger on her laptop. ‘Don’t worry about your sister. Just get this workin’, aye?’ I shrugged. When Narelle found out and went nuts, at least I could say I tried to warn him. ‘That’s the network socket there on the side. You need the blue cable from the case. And the other end plugs in to the broadband socket under my desk.’ It was one of the great injustices of the universe. I was allowed to have a socket in my bedroom, just in case I ever got a computer of my own, but for the moment I had nothing to plug into it. ‘Well, don’t just stand there with that wee silly look on your face. Plug it in!’ Sighing, I crawled under the desk and hooked up the computer. Narelle was going to go ballistic.

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‘There. That should work. You’ll be online as soon as you start it up.’ ‘Good!’ Grandad Fergus settled himself at the desk and hit the power button. ‘Away with ye, now. Go on!’ He waved me towards the door. He didn’t have to tell me twice. No way would Narelle have let anyone, especially Grandad Fergus, near that laptop and she was likely to arrive home from school at any minute. I didn’t want to be around when she discovered her computer was missing. In Nadine’s room I threw my school bag down among the toys. ‘Hey, Lush,’ I said to the Germ a n Shepherd. ‘How was your day?’ The dog stared back at me with glassy eyes. ‘I can’t believe I’m talking to a stuffed dog.’ Picking the toy up, I weighed him in my hand for a moment or two, then stood on the bed and put him up on the ceiling fan. ‘Now you’re really stuffed.’ The phone rang. There was nobody else in the house to answer it, so I bolted downstairs and grabbed it just in time. ‘Hello?’ ‘Nath? Dude, I’m glad I got you.’

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‘Gnarls, you’ll never guess what …’ ‘Hang on, Nath, I can’t talk too long, but you know that plan we were discussing the other day …’ ‘What plan?’ ‘You remember – operation “room restore”.’ ‘Eh?’ ‘Getting your grandfather to leave!’ ‘I told you not to worry about that.’ ‘Whatever. Listen, Nath, I’ve got this really great idea!’ That was a worry. Even though he’s a lot of fun, most of Gnarly’s great ideas seem to end up with me in trouble. ‘Listen, Gnarls…’ ‘Organise with your folks for me to come over and stay this weekend, okay?’ ‘Where are you planning on sleeping? We don’t have enough rooms as it is. You want to share a room with me and Nadine, or with Narelle?’ That stopped him.

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‘Yeah. Good point.’ He thought for a second. ‘Ask if you and I can set up the tent out on your back lawn. Call it a sleepout.’ Mum and Dad had let us camp out in the backyard a couple of times since last summer. ‘Okay, I’ll ask. But I can’t promise anything, right?’ ‘Cool. I’ll tell you my plan on the weekend. Seeya.’ The phone went dead, and I hung it up thoughtfully. One of Gnarly’s plans. I couldn’t help feeling a little bit curious. But also very nervous. There was strange Scottish swearing and an odd thumping noise coming from my bedroom as I made my way back along the hall. I tiptoed, just in case Grandad Fergus heard me and tried to get me to help with the computer again. He didn’t, though, and back in Nadine’s room I settled myself at her little desk to get some homework done. A couple of minutes later the front door slammed and Narelle stamped up the stairs and into her room. It was less than five seconds before the bedroom door burst open. ‘All right, Bug, where is it?’ Narelle’s eyes were narrow. She looked like she was ready to bite the head off a puppy. I decided that complete innocence was the safest option.

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‘What?’ ‘You know. Where’s my computer?’ ‘Dunno.’ I shrugged. ‘I haven’t seen it.’ She advanced towards me. ‘I’ve told you not to touch it …’ ‘I haven’t,’ I protested. ‘Look around? Do you see it anywhere?’ ‘So you’ve hidden it.’ Her hands were balled into fists. Now I was getting truly worried. She’s a very scary girl sometimes. ‘Seriously, I don’t know what’s happened to your laptop. Have you asked Grandad Fergus?’ Narelle froze mid-step. ‘Why would he know anything about it?’ ‘He’s the only one who’s been home all day.’ She stamped back to the door. ‘If he doesn’t know anything then I’ll be right back.’ I looked up at Lush still crouched on the ceiling fan and wished I could get up there with him. Down the passage, Narelle was banging on my bedroom door. ‘Grandad Fergus, have you seen my computer anywhere?’

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I couldn’t make out his reply, and Narelle obviously couldn’t understand it. I decided to chance getting caught in the crossfire and went and peered out into the hallway. ‘Can I come in?’ She rapped on the door again, and it clicked open. ‘Git away with ye, lassie, an’ stop botherin’ me. I’ll give your wee machine back when I’m good and done with it!’ He closed the door in her face. For a moment Narelle stood there looking completely stunned. ‘That’s it,’ she finally announced. ‘I’m calling Mum.’ If there’s one thing Mum hates, it’s us kids calling her at work to sort out our arguments. She says that unless one of us is dead or suffering severe arterial bleeding, whatever we’re calling about can wait until she gets home. I’ve never been brave enough to test the theory, but Narelle stormed downstairs, grabbed the phone and dialled. ‘Hi, it’s Narelle Nuttboard here, Mary’s daughter. Can I speak to her for a minute, please?’ For a moment or two the house was silent, while Narelle was put thro u g h . Slowly, I crept along the hallway towards the top of the stairs, so that I could listen in. From the other side of my locked bedroom door I could hear Grandad Fergus pounding the keys of Narelle’s laptop really slowly and really hard.

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‘Mum, it’s me.’ Narelle’s voice was cold and angry. ‘Listen, Grandad’s taken my computer and locked himself in his room with it … No, of course he didn’t ask. He just took it and I need it for … No, I won’t calm down. He’s a bloody thief and I don’t care if …’ Narelle trailed off. I couldn’t hear Mum’s reply, but a couple of seconds later Narelle slammed the receiver back into its cradle and I had to scurry back to Nadine’s room as she stormed up the stairs. ‘How’s Mum?’ I asked her in my most cheerful voice as she stamped past the door. ‘Pleased to hear from you?’ Narelle stopped and glared at me. ‘He’s dead,’ was all she said. Suddenly I felt kind of sorry for Grandad Fergus. I’ve seen that look in Narelle’s eyes before and I didn’t envy him one little bit.

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Chapter Seven Strange happenings

‘So, dude, did Narelle go nuts or what?’ ‘You shoulda seen it, Gnarls. I haven’t seen fireworks like it since the skyshow. Pass me that pole over there.’ The following Saturday morning, Jim dropped Gnarly over at our place early, and we bolted straight for the backyard to set up the tent for our camp-out. We had a couple of good reasons for this. First, I wanted to find out what this plan of his was, and he wouldn’t say a word until he knew we were out of earshot of the rest of the family. Second, Saturday morning was when Grandad Fergus practised his bagpipes. (That was when he did it at home in Scotland and he said he wasn’t going to change his routine just because he was in this godforsaken country). From inside the house it sounded like someone was trying to strangle a cat with a vacuum cleaner. From the backyard it wasn’t a lot better, but at least we could talk. ‘So what happened?’ 65

‘As soon as Mum came home, everyone had to go to the kitchen, including Grandad Fergus.’ It hadn’t been pretty. Narelle had been yelling at the top of her lungs and Grandad told her she sounded like a foghorn. ‘’Tis no harm me borrowing your wee computer while you’re away at school, lassie.’ ‘That’s not the point. You’ve got no right to just go into my room and take things. I’ve got my assignments on that machine. What if you accidentally wipe them?’ ‘Ach, give a little credit to an old man …’ ‘She’s right, Fergus,’ Dad cut in. ‘If you’re going to live here, you’ll have to respect the kids’ belongings.’ ‘Don’t give me that rubbish, Kevin, ye blethering scunner. I ken what —’ ‘FATHER!’ We all stared at Mum, startled. Since Grandad Fergus had moved in, she hadn’t really growled at him over anything. Not the stinky dog tobacco in his bedroom. Not the way he slurped his oats in the morning. Not for any of the things that would have gotten the rest of us killed. But now her voice was like a razor blade.

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‘You will not speak to my husband and children like that. Do you understand me?’ In all the years I’ve heard my Mum telling us off, I’ve never heard her voice so frightening. ‘Ach, Mary. Ye sound just like your mother all of a sudden. For a moment there I almost thought that —’ ‘Don’t change the subject, Dad. You’re welcome to stay with us, but you’ll show my family the same courtesy that I expect them to show you. Is that clear?’ ‘Aye, Mary.’ I couldn’t believe it. The old misery guts looked almost ashamed. For a couple of seconds there I actually felt sorry for him. I’d been on the receiving end of my share of telling-offs from Mum, but never anything like that one. ‘And I expect you to apologise to Narelle. Now.’ I glanced at Narelle. She looked as shocked as the rest of us. ‘Och, lassie, I’m sorry I took your computer. Ye can have it back right away, if ye want.’ The amazing thing was that I think he actually meant it. Even Narelle was lost for words. All the fight had gone right out of her, and now she just looked embarrassed. ‘I … thanks.’

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‘Dude,’ Gnarly said when I’d finished relating all of this, ‘that’s awesome! So everything went back to normal?’ ‘Come on, Gnarls, you know what this family’s like. No, that was when things got really weird.’ ‘How so?’ ‘Grandad went and gave Narelle’s computer back, no worries, and then he vanished upstairs for about an hour. I thought he must have been sulking or something, but you should have seen him when he came down again. I was sitting at the kitchen table trying to get my maths done and Mum was getting dinner ready when in he came. ‘Right then, Mary, I’m off fer the evening. Don’t wait up for me, aye? What’re ye starin’ at, lad?’ I didn’t reply. I was too busy trying to work out if my eyes were playing tricks on me. Grandad Fergus was wearing a kilt, but this one seemed different from his usual ones – brighter and a bit longer. Clipped around his waist was this sort of furry handbag. His white socks, with little ribbons attached to the tops, were pulled right up, so only a couple of centimetres of pale, knobbly knee showed between the top of the sock and the bottom of the kilt. Around his waist was a wide leather belt with a gleaming buckle, and over his white shirt and bow tie he wore a green jacket. Stuck in the belt was something that looked suspiciously like a knife. ‘I … er …’

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‘Dad, why are you wearing your dress suit?’ ‘That’s a suit?’ ‘I told ye, Mary. I’m gooin’ oot.’ ‘Out? Where?’ ‘That’s fer me to know.’ Mum just stared, perplexed. ‘But, you don’t know anyone here.’ ‘Ach! I dinnae want your fussin’, woman! I ken find me way about.’ ‘Dad, listen —’ ‘No time to chat. Don’t wait up fer me. I could be quite late.’ Grandad Fergus marched out the front door, passing Narelle on the way. ‘What was that about?’ Narelle demanded. ‘Why’s he dressed up like that?’ ‘I …’ Mum was lost for words. ‘So you don’t know where he went?’ Gnarly had stopped hammering in tent pegs and was looking at me thoughtfully.

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‘No. But it’s been the same every night since. Right after dinner Grandad Fergus goes upstairs, spends almost as much time in the bathroom as Narelle, then disappears out the front door.’ ‘When does he come back?’ ‘Don’t know. Late. I’m always asleep.’ ‘Strange.’ Gnarly gave the last peg a couple more whacks, just for good measure. ‘Right, dude. Let’s get this baby up, eh?’ We put the last support pole into position, and a couple of minutes later we were tucked away comfortably inside the tent. ‘You know something else weird?’ I told him. ‘Narelle’s cheered up, too. Once she got her computer back, it’s like she became a different person. She’s been helping out around the house. Even volunteered to babysit Nadine after school on Thursday.’ ‘She must want something.’ ‘I know. But I can’t think what. She’s got everything she needs.’ The tent flap opened and Nadine stuck her head in. ‘Can I come in, too?’ ‘No, get lost.’

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‘Gnarly!’ She ignored me and dived at Gnarly. ‘Hey there, Titch.’ He started tickling her, and for a while it looked like the tent was going to fall down, as the two of them rolled back and forth across the floor, tickling and giggling. ‘So what do you think of your grandad?’ he asked her when they finally gave it up. ‘He smells.’ ‘Is that all?’ ‘And he’s rude. He says horrible things about everyone.’ ‘Well, there’s only one thing for it.’ Gnarly grinned at us, and then climbed out the flap. ‘Where are we going?’ ‘I have to meet him.’ ‘Gnarls, no way. Trust me on this …’ But he wasn’t listening. ‘Hi, Mrs N,’ he said to my mother, who was gardening with earplugs in. ‘Come on, Titch,’ I said to Nadine. ‘We might as well get this over and done with.’ We followed Gnarly inside.

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At my bedroom door we stopped. There was bagpipe music coming from inside, although it could have been someone cutting up an asthmatic cat with a chainsaw. ‘Is the old bloke all right in there?’ Gnarly looked concerned. ‘Don’t worry about it.’ I knocked on the door, loudly. The music stopped and we could hear strange swear words as Grandad Fergus clumped across to the door. ‘Aye?’ He opened it just wide enough to peer out. ‘Grandad, this is my mate Gnarly. He wanted to meet you. We’ll go now and —’ ‘Gnarly? Wha’ sort o’ idiot name is that?’ ‘His real name is Charlie, but everyone calls him —’ ‘Bonny Prince Charlie, aye? Now that’s a fair Scottish name, lad. Are your parents Scots?’ ‘Nah. My mum’s dead, and my dad’s got a bit of everything in him. We’re mostly Irish, I think.’ ‘Ach!’ For a second I thought Grandad Fergus was going to spit on my bedroom floor, but he didn’t. ‘Irish! ’Tis little wonder your mother passed on! Irish!’ Then he slammed the door in our faces and a moment later the bagpipes started up again.

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‘I guess he doesn’t like the Irish,’ I said to Gnarly, but he was just standing there, staring at the door. Then he turned to me. ‘He’s got to go.’

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Chapter Eight Operation ‘room restore’ No.1

Back in the tent we held a planning session. ‘Right,’ said Gnarly, ‘the way I see it is this. There’s no way that we’re going to convince your parents to kick him out, right?’ ‘Right.’ ‘And if we try anything too extreme, it’ll be us that gets into trouble.’ ‘Right again.’ ‘So I reckon that what we’ve got to do is to make him so uncomfortable he can’t bear to stay in the house a moment longer. You agree?’ ‘Absolutely. How?’ ‘That’s what we’ve got to work out. What are his weaknesses?’

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I thought about it. .

‘He can’t talk properly?’ ‘Nah.’ Gnarls shook his head. ‘I mean, what are the things he can’t stand.’ ‘Dunno.’ I shrugged. ‘He’s only been here a couple of weeks, and it seems to me that he can’t stand any of us, but that hasn’t been enough to make him leave.’ ‘There’s got to be something.’ ‘Nothing I can think of.’ For a couple of moments we sat there, pondering, then Gnarly snapped his fingers. ‘Got it!’ ‘What?’ ‘His glasses.’ ‘Eh?’ ‘Think about it, Nath. With a pair of glasses that thick, his eyes must be totally shot. I bet he can’t see a thing without them.’ ‘Are you suggesting we nick his glasses?’ Gnarls had made some pretty crazy suggestions in the past, but this one had DANGER: INSANE SUICIDE PLAN written all

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over it. ‘If Mum found out we’d taken Grandad’s glasses, she’d —’ ‘Not steal them, mate. Just …’ — he paused, thinking — ‘… relocate them. So when he goes to put them on, they’re not where he left them.’ ‘What’s the point in that?’ ‘We’ll just put them somewhere else in his room. He won’t be able to find them – not easily, anyway – but he won’t be able to accuse you of taking them. If he does, your parents will think he just forgot where he put them down.’ ‘And you reckon that’ll be enough to get him to leave?’ ‘It’s a start.’ ‘When do we do it?’ I had my doubts, but Gnarly’s enthusiasm was catching. ‘Tonight. When he’s in the bathroom, getting ready to go wherever it is he goes, we can sneak into his room —’ ‘My room.’ ‘Sorry, mate. Your room.’ ‘I dunno, Gnarls, he’s pretty sharp. We’ll have to be quick and careful.’

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‘Nath, trust me, it’s the perf e c t opportunity. We’ll have an alibi. Tonight the two of us will be out here in the tent — not even in the house. Even if he does accuse us of something, we can just back up each other’s story. It’s the perfect plan.’ Personally, I could see a few problems with it, but before I got a chance to point them out, somebody sneezed, right outside. ‘Aargh! Someone’s listening!’ For a second or two I had this horrible thought that it might be my mother, but then I remembered that she was wearing earplugs to keep the bagpipes at bay. Gnarly flung open the tent flap, and there was Nadine. She made a run for it, but he caught her in about three steps. ‘Gotcha!’ Between the two of us we dragged her into the tent. ‘What were you doing listening in, Titch?’ ‘I’m bored.’ ‘How long were you out there?’ ‘I heard everything. I’m telling Mum.’ Gnarls and I looked at each other glumly. Not only was our plan over before it had started, but when she found out

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Mum would send Gnarly home straightaway. We wouldn’t even get our sleepout. ‘Unless …’ Nadine stopped. ‘Unless what?’ ‘Unless you let me help.’ ‘Nadine,’ I said, ‘you don’t want to get involved in this. If we get caught …’ ‘I want to get rid of him, too.’ ‘But —’ ‘I’ll tell. Promise.’ She wasn’t joking. ‘What do you reckon, Nath?’ said Gnarly. ‘Could we use a lookout?’ Nadine brightened up. ‘I could do that.’ ‘I dunno.’ Gnarly scratched his chin and pretended to be thinking deeply. ‘It’ll be pretty dangerous, and you’ll have to memorise the secret signal.’ ‘What’s that?’ ‘If you see or hear someone coming, then you have to come over to the bedroom door, tap three times, and then give us the secret password.’

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Nadine’s eyes went wide. She loved stuff like secret passwords. ‘What’s that?’ He leaned down to whisper in her ear and Nadine turned her head up towards him. ‘The secret signal,’ Gnarly whispered, ‘is … AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! SOMEONE’S COMING! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!’ He shouted it at the top of his voice and started tickling Nadine at the same time. She squealed and tried to get away, and in the process kicked one of the poles holding the tent up. ‘Guys! The tent’s falling down,’ I shouted, but they were too busy being stupid, and so the three of us were still stuck in there as the whole tent came down around us, poles, ropes, everything. Finally, we were left sitting there in the wreckage, and Gnarly stopped tickling. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘looks like we’re all in this together.’ I wasn’t sure if he meant the tent or the plan.

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Chapter Nine The best laid plans

‘My Bonny lies over the ocean …’ Grandad Fergus was in the shower. We could tell, because he was singing. He always sang the same tune. The problem was, he only seemed to know the first verse, so he just sang it over and over again. ‘My Bonny lies o’er the sea …’ ‘Right,’ Gnarly whispered, ‘he’s in. Everyone remember their places?’ The three of us were outside, behind the house and below the upstairs bathroom window, listening. Nadine and I nodded. ‘Right, let’s go.’ We slipped around the side of the house to the front. Gnarly and I stayed hidden in the side alley, while Nadine went and opened the front door, checking the entry hall to make sure the coast was clear. ‘Ready, Nath?’

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‘Yeah.’ ‘Excellent.’ Out in the tent my portable CD player was hammering out the latest Machines of Blood and Glory album, Snot Sandwich for Breakfast, at maximum volume. This would make anyone who came outside think that we were in the tent and also keep them from actually looking. Everyone in my family hates Machines of Blood and Glory. At the front door Nadine gave us the thumbs-up and we shot across the porch and into the hallway. ‘Right, dudes! That’s phase one complete. Now …’ Gnarly ran up the stairs, two at a time, me and Nadine right on his heels. At the top, Nadine kept going, down to her room to monitor activity in the bathroom, and Gnarls stopped at my bedroom door. ‘Ready?’ ‘Yeah.’ I took a deep breath. ‘Let’s do it!’ We opened the door and slipped inside, being careful to close it quietly behind us. I hadn’t been back in my old bedroom since I’d fixed up Narelle’s computer. I couldn’t believe my eyes. ‘Dude, he’s messier than you!’

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That was saying something. Mum once tried to institute a ‘personal space’ policy in our house. Basically, it meant that everyone would be responsible for their own room – for cleaning, changing the sheets, taking out the dirty clothes, all that stuff. The idea was that everyone’s personal space was their own and they could live in it any way they wanted. The policy lasted three days. During that time, Narelle painted her entire room black, Nadine emptied all her clothes out of her wardrobe and onto the floor, so she could make the cupboard into a house for her toys, and my room, well, let’s just say that the whole ‘personal space’ policy had to stop when I lost my bed. My room had been an absolute disaster zone. Nothing compared to how it was now, though. Grandad Fergus’s stuff was everywhere. And I mean everywhere. There was even a pair of what looked suspiciously like tartan underpants hanging off the ceiling fan. And the smell. The pong of his horre n d o u s tobacco filled the whole room. ‘You’d think he’d open the window, wouldn’t you?’ ‘Quick, find the glasses. At least it won’t be hard hiding them in this mess. He’ll be hours looking for them!’ Gnarly started looking around. ‘Where are they?’ ‘Dunno.’ I couldn’t see Grandad Fergus’s bottle-bottom glasses anywhere. Not by the bed, not on the desk.

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‘Look around a bit, but don’t disturb anything. We don’t want him to know we’ve been in here.’ The chances of making the room any more disturbed than it already was were pretty slim, but even so I was careful as I poked my way around the bed. ‘See them anywhere?’ ‘Nope.’ I shook my head. ‘Do you reckon he’s taken them with him to the bathroom?’ ‘He might’ve.’ Gnarly scratched his head. ‘Darn.’ ‘Perhaps we should just go, eh, Gnarls? He won’t be much longer.’ ‘Hang on, what’s this?’ Gnarly picked up a coffee mug from the desk. ‘Bingo.’ ‘A coffee cup? Why would he keep his glasses in a coffee cup?’ ‘Here, have a look.’ He passed me the cup. ‘You’re kidding me!’ It wasn’t Grandad’s glasses. It was his teeth. The cup was half full of water, and lying in the bottom, grinning up at us, were Grandad Fergus’s false teeth.

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Gnarly was grinning, too. ‘Let’s hide them.’ ‘I dunno, Gnarls.’ Hiding Grandad’s glasses was one thing, but his teeth, that seemed kind of wrong, somehow. ‘Come on, Nath. Look at your room.’ I looked around and took in the mess, the smell, the blank space on the wall where my Machines of Blood and Glory poster used to hang. ‘Okay. But hurry.’ ‘Where will we put them?’ ‘How about under his pillow? Then he might bite his own ear off when he goes to bed.’ ‘Nah.’ Gnarls shook his head. ‘To o obvious. We can come up with somewhere more clever.’ ‘Do you reckon we could sneak them into Narelle’s room? I’d love to put Grandad’s teeth on her bedside table.’ Gnarls laughed. ‘Great idea, dude! Best of all, she’ll think he’s gone in to take her computer again. Let’s do it. But we should leave the mug here.’ ‘Yeah. Throw people off the scent.’ ‘Cool. Here you are then.’

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He held out the coffee cup. ‘Eww. I’m not touching them.’ ‘He’s your grandfather.’ I reached into the mug and something slimy brushed against my fingertips. ‘Aaargh! No way!’ I whipped my fingers out and wiped my hand on the bedspread. ‘Wuss.’ Gnarls took the mug and fished out Grandad’s teeth. ‘Let’s go.’ We crept into the passage and closed the bedroom door softly behind us. ‘Phew. It’s good to be out of that smell.’ Gnarly was holding the teeth carefully between his thumb and forefinger. ‘What’s that?’ As soon as we came out, Nadine trotted along the passageway to meet us. ‘Grandad’s teeth.’ ‘Yuck!’ She stopped and peered at them. ‘Careful,’ Gnarly whispered to her. ‘They BITE.’ He waved them in her face and she gave a little scream and ran a couple of steps away.

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‘What are you going to do with them?’ ‘Put them in Narelle’s room.’ ‘But she’s in there. She went in a couple of minutes ago.’ ‘Oh.’ Gnarls and I looked at each other. ‘What are we going to do with them, then?’ I asked. ‘I don’t know, dude.’ For the first time Gnarly looked a bit worried. ‘Perhaps we should just put them back before …’ At that moment the bathroom door opened. ‘Oh no!’ ‘Quick, hide them.’ Gnarly looked around for somewhere to put the teeth, but in the upstairs passageway of our house there isn’t a single hiding place. ‘Where?’ ‘Anywhere!’ ‘Aargh!’ He took one last desperate look a round and, not spotting anywhere to deposit them, slipped the teeth into his pocket. ‘Let’s get out of here.’ We ran. Fast.

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Chapter Ten More than you can chew

‘What do we do now?’ Gnarly, Nadine and I were back in the tent. Grandad’s teeth were sitting on my Snot Sandwich for Breakfast CD cover, which was on one of our sleeping bags. ‘I don’t know, dude. Do you think he’ll notice they’re gone?’ ‘What do you reckon?’ We all looked at one another. ‘There’s got to be some way to get them back. How about if we just leave them inside the house somewhere where he’ll find them?’ ‘He’ll know we did it.’ ‘Why?’

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‘Because he’s a suspicious old coot. And besides, there’s no way he’d leave his teeth just lying around anywhere.’ ‘There’s no way he’d have left them in Narelle’s room, either, but you thought that was a good idea.’ ‘True.’ Gnarly nodded. ‘I didn’t really think that one through, did I?’ I sighed and stared at the teeth. They seemed to be laughing at me. ‘I think we’ve bitten off more than we can chew,’ Gnarly said. ‘Oh, ha, ha, ha.’ ‘Well, I can’t think of any way to get them back to him without getting found out.’ ‘Me either.’ We sat in glum silence for a couple of minutes. ‘On the bright side,’ Gnarly said, ‘at least we know for sure that at the moment your Grandad’s bark is worse than his bite.’ ‘Let’s not test that theory, if it’s all the same to you.’ ‘So where will we leave them?’ ‘How about the kitchen?’

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‘Eww. Gross. People have to eat in there.’ ‘Dude, they’re teeth. What do you think they’re for?’ ‘Okay, good point. But I still think it’s gross.’ ‘Well, where do you suggest?’ ‘The steps. On the handrail at the bottom. He won’t be able to miss them.’ Gnarly looked thoughtful. ‘You know, we could just own up and return them to him. Perhaps he’ll see the joke.’ ‘He doesn’t have a sense of humour, Gnarls. He’ll go nuts. And after Mum blasted him the other night for not showing respect for our stuff, she’ll go nuts, too. At least if we just leave them somewhere obvious there’s still a slim chance that we’ll get away with it.’ Even as I said it, I had an awful sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach. We were dead. There was no way around it. ‘We might as well go and get it over with, eh?’ Gnarls looked like I felt. ‘Yeah.’ ‘It’s your turn to carry the teeth, though.’ ‘Yech!’ I didn’t want to touch them, but Gnarly was right. So far, he’d done all the dirty work. I reached out and

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picked the pink and white things up from the CD cover. At least they’d dried out now and didn’t feel all slimy. ‘Hey, Titch,’ I said to Nadine, ‘you should go first. Sneak into the house and up to our room and pretend you’ve been there the whole time. There’s no point in all three of us getting busted.’ Now, this is where a good and loving sister says ‘No way. I helped get you into this, and so I’ll take my share of the punishment with you.’ What actually happened was that Nadine said ‘Okay!’ and shot out of the tent like a bullet. ‘Kids!’ Gnarls shook his head. ‘Okay, let’s try and hide these choppers somewhere.’ He got out of the tent first and made sure that the way was clear. ‘Nobody around?’ ‘Nah. All quiet. Come on out.’ I looked at the teeth again for a second, then slipped them into my back pocket. I’d just about grown out of my jeans, so it was a tight squeeze. Gnarls was waiting. ‘Where are they?’ ‘Here.’ I pointed to the lump over my backside. ‘Dude, don’t sneeze or they’ll bite your bum!’

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‘Very funny. Let’s go.’ The sun was down and it was getting pretty dark. Most of the lights were on in the house and we could hear voices in the kitchen. ‘Let’s go around the side and in through the front door like last time.’ I nodded, and followed Gnarls. The alleyway along the side of the house was almost pitch black. ‘Careful.’ Gnarly led the way into the shadows. Halfway along, in the darkest part of the alleyway, I stopped. ‘Did you hear something?’ ‘What?’ ‘Dunno. Kind of a rustling.’ Gnarly tilted his head, listening. ‘Nah. Not a thing.’ ‘I must’ve been imagining it.’ ‘Yeah. Come on.’ He took one more step. Right onto Mrs Finke’s cat. Mrs Finke’s cat is named ‘Lady Tabatha’, but it should have been called ‘Landmine’, because when Gnarly

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stepped on it the thing exploded into a scratching, screeching ball of hissing fury. It sunk its claws and teeth into Gnarly’s left leg. Poor Gnarls was only wearing a pair of boardies, so all twelve claws found bare flesh to dig into. ‘AARGH! My leg! Get it off!’ Gnarly stumbled backwards, straight into me. ‘Look out!’ The collision threw me off balance and I flailed around for something to grab. No luck, though. I fell backwards onto the concrete path. It was like falling in slow motion. I swear I could almost feel the ground coming up to meet me, right below my … Crack! ‘Oh, no!’ I rolled over, fished around in my back pocket and pulled out Grandad Fergus’s teeth, well, half of them anyway. They were cracked neatly down the middle. ‘I’m bleeding everywhere!’ Gnarly disentangled himself from the cat, which fled off towards Mrs Finke’s house like a streak of evil, and flopped onto the path next to me. ‘What’s that you’ve got there, dude?’ Wordlessly, I passed him half of the teeth.

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‘What happened?’ ‘I fell on them.’ ‘Nath, we are in serious trouble.’ ‘Yeah.’ He shrugged. ‘Still, I guess things can’t get any worse.’

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Chapter Eleven Things get worse

‘Oww!’ ‘Don’t be such a baby.’ Mum was dabbing betadine onto Gnarly’s savaged legs, but not very gently. She wasn’t happy with us at all. ‘I cannot believe you two would do something so cruel, irresponsible and nasty.’ She’d been going for about fifteen minutes at this stage, and as far as I could tell she hadn’t breathed in once. ‘And to involve your little sister, too. An absolute disgrace, all three of you.’ We were sitting around the table, me, Gnarls, Nadine, Mum, Dad and Grandad Fergus. Narelle leaned against the wall, the only one in the whole house who was enjoying herself. Grandad’s teeth were on a saucer in the middle of the table. They weren’t grinning now. ‘Achth, theyth shooldth be ung ooop bth theirht towthe!’

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‘What was that, Dad?’ ‘THEYTH SHOOLDTH THEIRHT TOWTHE!’

BE

UNG

OOOP

BTH

Until a few minutes earlier, I wouldn’t have thought it possible that Grandad could be even more difficult to understand. ‘I think he wants them to hang up something,’ Dad volunteered. ‘Ochth! Hanght themth up! By theirht wee towthe! Therve ’em righth!’ ‘I’ll help,’ Narelle said. ‘I’ve still got no idea what you’re saying, Grandad, but if you need a hand, I’m in.’ ‘That will do, Narelle,’ Mum snapped. ‘But we didn’t mean to break them —’ ‘That’s completely beside the point!’ Mum cut me off before I had a chance to go any further. ‘Just look at your poor grandfather. What is he supposed to do now? How is he supposed to eat?’ ‘Through a straw?’ Gnarly suggested. ‘We could make him soup.’ ‘Achth! A manth cannath nae livth oon suupth, ye blethehrngh Irith weanth!’

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Everybody in the kitchen exchanged mystified glances. ‘Of course, Dad,’ Mum said, though I was certain even she hadn’t understood that one. ‘Will he have to go back to Scotland to get a new set?’ Narelle asked hopefully. ‘Don’t be silly, Narelle. We’ll get him in to see our dentist first thing on Monday morning, and hopefully he can get some more teeth made up in a hurry.’ ‘Hey, Mr Nuttboard, perhaps you could fix the old teeth? Glue them back together or something?’ As far as I was concerned, Gnarly wasn’t taking this whole situation nearly seriously enough. ‘Well,’ Dad began, ‘I could probably mix up a bit of araldite and —’ ‘Kevin, don’t even think it!’ ‘No … no, of course not.’ ‘Ochth!’ Grandad Fergus was looking at his watch. ‘Ith timech ferth me tae goo!’ ‘You can’t go out talking like that, Dad!’ ‘Achth! I’ll be awrighth, Maryth. Dinnaech ye wurreth abooth it.’

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Grandad Fergus stood and clumped across to the door. I for one was glad to see him leave, even more than usually. After he’d gone, Mum gave a huge sigh. She kept dabbing at Gnarley’s leg for a while, then she stopped, looked at the two of us, and sighed again. ‘I’d better call Jim to come and get Gnarly. Nathan, you start getting ready for bed.’ ‘But Mum …’ ‘No buts! You two have lost your sleepout privileges, and that’s just the beginning. Don’t think you’ll be staying over at The Shack any time soon, either, Nathan. You’re grounded.’ ‘For how long?’ ‘The way I’m feeling at the moment, you’ll be lucky if I let you out of the house again before you turn eighteen.’ She didn’t look angry, though. That made it even more scary. ‘Bad luck, Bug.’ Narelle looked as though it was Christmas-time. ‘Though it’s probably a good thing for the rest of the world if you’re stuck inside.’ ‘Get —’ ‘Nathan! That’ll do.’

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I sighed. The kitchen door opened again, and Grandad Fergus’s head came around the door. ‘I’m off, then. Don’t wait up, aye?’ ‘Dad … your mouth …’ Grandad Fergus grinned, showing us a full set of even, white teeth. ‘Och. Ye dinnae think I’d be fool enough to travel to this devil’s country without me spare set, do ye? These’re me kissin’ teeth!’ He chomped them together a couple of times, making him look uncomfortably like those flesheating piranha fish you see on documentaries about South America, then the door slammed behind him. For a moment nobody said anything. Even Narelle looked appalled. ‘Kissing teeth?’ Dad looked at Mum and raised an eyebrow. ‘I don’t even want to think about it, Kevin.’ Mum held up her hand in a ‘stop’ gesture, but it was too late. We’d all pictured it. ‘Ewww!’ Narelle groaned. ‘Kissing teeth. That is so gross. He’s disgusting. Anyway, who’d want to kiss someone that wrinkly? And who stinks of dog tobacco?’ ‘Thank you, Narelle, we get the picture. Now, you two …’ Mum turned back to us. ‘You both need to have a long

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hard think about your behaviour this evening. Gnarly, we’ll call your dad, and Nathan, you can go straight upstairs and get ready for bed.’ ‘But it’s only half past seven!’ ‘Now, Nathan.’ I stomped upstairs, muttering to myself. Kissing teeth! In my new bedroom, Nadine had arranged about three hundred stuffed animals in a tea party all over my bed. I kicked them as hard as I could and they flew everywhere – under the bed, onto the top of the wardrobe. A bright blue parrot flew right across the room and landed with a squeak on top of Nadine’s bedlamp, where it glowed like a radiation victim. ‘Serves it right. Stupid bird!’ Grabbing my pyjamas, I crossed the hall to the bathroom and slammed the door. Halfway through pretending to clean my teeth, Nadine started screaming at the top of her voice. ‘Argh! Polly! POLLY! MUM! DAD!’ ‘It’s only a stupid stuffed toy,’ I muttered. ‘MUUUUUM!’ Mum’s footsteps banged up the stairs. ‘Nadine, stop yelling and … KEVIN!’

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As I listened to Dad clumping up the stairs, the smell reached me. The smell of something burning. ‘Oh no!’ Then the bathroom door flew open and Dad barged in using two of my school books to hold a smouldering blue lump that might have once been a stuffed parrot. ‘Polly!’ Nadine was wailing in the background. ‘Polyester, more like it,’ Dad said, as he lobbed the burning toy into the bathtub and turned the tap on. ‘Phew! What’s that stink?’ Narelle and Gnarly came up to see what all the fuss was about. ‘Nathan set Polly on fire!’ ‘Polly?’ ‘My bird! Nathan burnt my bird.’ ‘I didn’t mean to.’ ‘Kevin, that smell is terrible.’ It was true. The smell in the bathroom was seriously bad, worse even than Grandad’s tobacco. Dad leaned down and retrieved the remains of Polly from the bottom of the bath. Whatever that bird had been made of, it was pretty

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flammable. Polly was now a sort of hard, blackened, plastic lump with a green beak and one half-melted eye. ‘Hey Titch,’ said Gnarly, ‘you might have to rename it “Dodo”, because that is a seriously extinct bird.’ ‘It’s an ex-parrot,’ Dad added. Nobody laughed. ‘You three, downstairs. Nathan, in here.’ Mum nodded towards the bedroom as Gnarls and Narelle led a miserable Nadine back down the hallway. ‘It was an accident …’ I started, but Mum held up her hand. ‘I don’t want to hear it. I just want you to know how disappointed I am in you. Taking your anger out on your little sister like that. And almost burning the house down in the process.’ ‘But …’ ‘I told you, Nathan, I don’t want to hear it. Go to bed, right now, and we’ll discuss this in the morning.’ She and Dad left, and I found myself alone in a room that smelt of melted plastic. T h e re was a long, black stain on the lampshade. Everywhere I looked, stuffed animals seemed to be watching me. Somehow, they all looked pretty angry, too. ‘Great. Just great.’

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I went to bed.

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Chapter Twelve Braveheart

‘Six months? Dude, that’s terrible.’ ‘That’s what Mum says.’ ‘And you can’t even come out to The Shack?’ ‘Nah. I’m allowed half an hour every afternoon to skate out the front of the house, and that’s it. I’m grounded bigtime.’ ‘What about me coming over?’ ‘Dunno. Not for a while, anyway.’ On the other end of the phone Gnarls went quiet. ‘What about you?’ I asked him. ‘What did your old man say?’ ‘Not much. He tried telling me off about the teeth, but I could tell he was trying not to laugh, so I don’t think he’s too mad.’

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‘Half your luck.’ My mother had barely spoken a word to me in three days. ‘What about Nadine?’ ‘Still not talking to me. She just keeps leaving notes on my bed and in my school bag.’ ‘What do they say?’ ‘“I hate you”, mainly, though this morning’s one called me a parrot murderer.’ ‘She’ll get over it.’ ‘I hope so.’ Actually, the whole thing with Nadine was bothering me much more than the teeth. Nobody would believe me when I tried to explain that it was an accident. ‘That sort of thing doesn’t happen by accident, mate,’ Dad had said. ‘Let’s face it. You haven’t exactly been making an effort to show Nadine’s toys much respect, have you? And that’s not what families are about. Families have to stick together.’ ‘What about your grandad?’ Gnarls asked. ‘Same as ever. Came home the other night and complained about the stink in the bathroom, but that’s about it.’ ‘Still going out?’

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‘Yeah, every night. In his kilt and everything.’ ‘I guess “operation room restore” was a complete failure, then.’ ‘Certainly was. Still, I guess that’s not necessarily a bad thing.’ ‘Eh?’ ‘I dunno, Gnarls. What I did the other night, I’ve never seen Titch so upset. And perhaps having Grandad Fergus stay isn’t the worst thing that could happen.’ ‘Nath, have you taken a look at where you’re living at the moment? Dude, I might have to re-christen you the Zookeeper. And what about what your grandad did to your poster?’ ‘It was just a poster …’ I began, but stopped. Gnarls was right. Life would be a lot easier without the old man here. Outside, a car pulled up in the driveway. ‘Someone’s home, Gnarls. I’d better go. I’m not supposed to be using the phone without permission at the moment.’ ‘Okay, dude. Hang in there. Stay gnarly.’ ‘Will do. Bye.’

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I hung up the phone and bolted for my room, making it to the top of the stairs just as Narelle, Mum and Nadine came through the front door. ‘I’ll call a driving school and book you some lessons starting next week,’ Mum was saying. ‘Nathan!’ she called up the stairs. ‘Are you doing your homework?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Good. You can have your half an hour skating time now, if you wish.’ ‘Okay.’ I headed back downstairs. In the entry hall Narelle was grinning and waving a couple of yellow ‘L’ plates around. So that’s why she’d been sucking up to Mum and Dad so much lately. ‘Guess what, Bug. I can drive.’ ‘That’s not news. You’ve been driving me crazy for years.’ She just smiled. ‘Enjoy your skate.’ ‘Hmph.’ I opened the downstairs cupboard to grab my deck. ‘Mum, where’s my skateboard?’ ‘Right where you left it, I imagine.’

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‘It’s not. I put it back in the cupboard, but it’s not here.’ ‘You’ve probably left it outside. Go and look.’ But there was no sign of it out the front, either. I stamped back into the kitchen. Mum was making herself a cup of tea, and Narelle was reading a book called Defensive Driving for Beginners. ‘My skateboard’s gone.’ ‘Well, don’t look at me. If you’ve lost it, you might as well go back upstairs and finish your homework.’ ‘But it’s my free time.’ ‘Then find something else to do.’ I went upstairs to retrieve some CDs from our room. At least I could listen to some music for a while. Sitting on the floor, I searched through my things. No CDs anywhere. Back downstairs, Mum was talking to Narelle about driving. ‘Get your licence first, and then we’ll worry about whether or not you can borrow the car on the weekends. I’m sure that once your father and I are satisfied that you can —’ ‘Where are my CDs?’ I demanded. This was one of Narelle’s favourite tricks. Hiding my music.

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‘I haven’t touched them.’ ‘Yeah, right.’ ‘It doesn’t matter anyway,’ Mum interrupted, looking at her watch. ‘Your half hour is up. How much homework have you got left?’ ‘But …’ ‘Nathan.’ She gave me her laser beam look. ‘How much homework?’ ‘A bit. Some English and Maths.’ ‘Go and get on with it, then. And when you’ve finished, you can help me clean up for dinner.’ Upstairs, Nadine was rummaging around in our room. ‘I have to finish my homework. You’ll have to get out,’ I told her. ‘Where’s Strawberry?’ she shot back at me. ‘If you’ve done anything to her …’ ‘I haven’t touched your rabbit.’ ‘Then where is she? She was here on my pillow this morning.’ ‘Don’t look at me. I’ve been at school all day. The only one who’s been home is …’

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Suddenly, things began to fall into place. Narelle’s computer, my skateboard and CDs, Nadine’s stuffed rabbit. I stormed out into the hallway and banged on my old bedroom door. Nadine followed. ‘What do ye want, laddie?’ Grandad Fergus opened the bedroom door a tiny crack, just enough for him to peer out. I craned my neck, trying to see inside. ‘Have you seen my skateboard and CDs? And Nadine’s rabbit?’ ‘Aye.’ ‘Well, where are they?’ ‘Och, I dinnae think you’ll be seeing them for a while.’ ‘Give them back!’ I tried to shove the door, but it didn’t move an inch. ‘I’ll tell Mum!’ ‘Don’ be a wee cryin’ bairn! The two of you broke ma teeth, so I decided I should get a little “insurance”, to make certain it does nae happen again, aye? You’ll get your things back when I’m good an’ ready.’ ‘That’s not fair!’ ‘And if you go runnin’ to your mother, I’ll jus’ tell her tha’ you two have put your things in my room to try to make me look bad. I don’t think Mary’ll take the word of a pair of wee lying bairns over that of her own father.’

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And at that, Grandad Fergus slammed the door again. We could hear him laughing inside. I tried the door again, but it wouldn’t budge. ‘What are we going to do about Strawberry? I’m telling Mum.’ Nadine started for the stairs. ‘Hang on a moment.’ I stopped her. ‘He’s right. Mum already thinks we’re picking on Grandad. If we go running to her, he’ll just lie about it, and we’ll both be in even more trouble.’ ‘But it’s not fair.’ Poor Nadine looked like she was about to burst into tears. ‘I know, Titch. I know.’ ‘What about Dad? He’d believe us.’ ‘He might.’ Personally, I wasn’t so sure. ‘But I’ve got a better idea.’ ‘What?’ ‘We’ll need some help.’ ‘Whose?’ I shuddered, having a hard time believing what I was about to suggest. ‘Narelle’s.’

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Chapter Thirteen Allies

‘No way!’ I couldn’t believe this was Narelle talking. ‘But you hate Grandad Fergus.’ ‘I do, but at the moment I’m the only one of the three of us who isn’t in trouble. I’ve got my driving lessons starting in three days’ time and no way am I going to risk getting banned from those just to help you two in some stupid war that you can’t win anyway.’ The three of us were sitting in Nadine’s room. I tried to reason with her. ‘We need all three of us, though. If there are only us two’ – I pointed at myself and Nadine – ‘then the plan won’t work. But if all three of us stick together, we can cover for one another and there’s no way we’ll get caught.’

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‘Forget it, Bug.’ Narelle stood up. ‘Just because you’ve got yourself into a mess, don’t expect me to get you out of it. If you want my advice —’ ‘I don’t.’ ‘… you’ll forget this whole thing. It’s only going to end with you getting into even more trouble. Grandad Fergus is far too clever to let you two get the better of him.’ I decided on one last-ditch attempt. ‘But the three of us could —’ ‘Nope.’ She was at the bedroom door. ‘And that’s my final word. Now I have to go.’ ‘Where?’ It was seven o’clock on a school night. ‘Over to Sarah’s. We’re studying for our exams.’ She left Nadine and me sitting and staring glumly at each another. ‘Couldn’t we still do it?’ she asked. ‘No, too risky.’ I shook my head. ‘We need all three of us to cover one another’s tracks.’ ‘Could we do something else, then?’ ‘I don’t know. Let me think about it.’

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Downstairs, Dad’s car pulled out of the driveway. I watched as it reversed jerkily into the street, Narelle’s ‘L’ plate swinging in the back window. ‘Looks like Dad’s letting Narelle drive.’ The car hopped away down the street like it had hiccups. A few seconds later the front door opened again and Grandad Fergus e m e rged, dressed as usual in his full Scottish outfit. He walked out the front gate, turned left and marched away down the street. I sighed and returned to my homework. Half an hour later the phone rang. ‘Nath,’ Dad yelled up the stairs, ‘it’s for you, mate. It’s Gnarly.’ ‘Dude! How’s things?’ ‘Been better.’ I told him about Grandad holding my skateboard and CDs and Nadine’s favourite toy as hostages. ‘That’s uncool. Have you got a plan?’ ‘Yeah, but in order to work it needs Narelle and she won’t be part of it.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘She doesn’t want to risk having her driving lessons cancelled.’

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‘Narelle’s got her learner’s?’ ‘Yeah. I’d stay off the roads, if I were you.’ ‘How’s she drive?’ ‘Like a kangaroo with a balance problem.’ ‘That’s a worry.’ ‘But anyway, what’s this plan of yours?’ ‘Well …’ I didn’t get a chance to tell him any more, because the call-waiting signal began beeping in my ear. ‘Hang on a sec, Gnarls. I’d better get this in case it’s for Mum or Dad.’ ‘No worries. Call me back later, eh?’ ‘Yeah. Will do.’ I clicked the phone receiver and it rang immediately. ‘Hello, Nathan speaking.’ ‘Laddie! Get your mother!’ ‘Is that you, Grandad Fergus?’ Of course I knew it was him, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to annoy him. ‘Of course it’s me, you wee footer! Now go an’ get your mother.’

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‘Mum!’ I covered the mouthpiece of the phone and yelled into the kitchen. ‘Grandad Fergus is on the phone.’ ‘Dad?’ Mum emerged from the kitchen with a puzzled expression. ‘Why is he calling?’ ‘Dunno. He called me a “wee footer”, though. What’s that mean?’ ‘Little nuisance,’ she replied, without thinking. ‘Here, give me the phone. Hello … Dad?’ I couldn’t hear what Grandad was saying, but Mum’s expression went from worried to puzzled to downright angry. I started towards the stairs, ready to make a run for it. ‘Really … where … DOING WHAT? No. Don’t … I’ll come myself.’ She hung up, vanished into the kitchen and spoke to Dad, then returned and grabbed her car keys off the entry-hall table. ‘Where are you going?’ ‘Out for a few minutes. I’ll be back soon. Finish your homework.’ I went up to our room but didn’t get much work done. I was too busy listening. Less than twenty minutes later Mum’s car re t u rned, the front door slammed open again, and Narelle came storming into the house.

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‘I can’t believe you’d embarrass me like that in front of all my friends.’ ‘And I can’t believe you’d lie to us just to go out with some boy!’ ‘I wasn’t lying. I went to Sarah’s to study, and then everyone just came by unexpectedly, so we decided to go out for a coffee and —’ ‘Coffee? I didn’t know pubs served coffee. And from what your grandfather said, you were doing a lot more than just having a coffee.’ ‘You mean that miserable old coot dobbed me in?’ ‘He’s your grandfather. He was worried about you. Imagine, seeing you out with some boy in a pub in the middle of the week! You should be thankful that he care s enough about you to look out for you.’ ‘Cares? Ha! If he really cared he’d let me run my own life.’ ‘Well, one thing’s certain. You can forget about your driving lessons for a while.’ ‘That’s not fair!’ ‘Your father and I aren’t letting you go driving around on your own until we can be sure you’ll be responsible about it.’

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‘This family’s a joke!’ Narelle flounced up the stairs and stamped down the passageway, stopping to lean into our bedroom, where Nadine and I were listening to every word. ‘Whatever your plan is,’ she said, ‘count me in.’

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Chapter Fourteen Wet behind the ears

‘Are you in position?’ ‘Yeah.’ Narelle’s voice floated up from the backyard. In the gloom I couldn’t see her properly, but I knew she was down there, standing beside the tap at the side of the back lawn. I was leaning out our bedroom window and Nadine was at the bedroom door ready to go. ‘Okay. He’s just gone into the bathroom now. Give him a couple of minutes to get organised.’ ‘Did you make sure he saw you both?’ ‘Yeah. Nadine even waved as he looked in the door.’ ‘Good work, Titch.’ Nadine beamed. From across the hallway I heard the shower hiss into life. ‘Okay, shower’s on. Nadine, GO!’ 118

Like a flash, Nadine bolted out the bedroom door and down the stairs. I only just had time to whisper after her, ‘Hot tap. Don’t forget.’ A few seconds later I heard Narelle whisper again, ‘Okay, she’s in the laundry.’ ‘Cool. Now just wait until …’ ‘My Bonny lies over the ocean …’ Grandad Fergus’s singing echoed out into the upstairs hall. ‘Okay, he’s in and singing. GO!’ Down in the yard there was a hissing rush as Narelle turned the cold tap on full blast, taking all the cold water out of every pipe in the house. Including the upstairs bathroom. ‘My Bonny lies over the … AAAAAARGH! OOOCH! ACH! Me legs!’ ‘Okay, that’ll do.’ Narelle turned the tap off again, and the screaming from the bathroom subsided. ‘Now, Nadine.’ Narelle nipped across the lawn and tapped lightly on the laundry window. Inside, Nadine turned on the hot tap in the t rough, leaving only cold water for Grandad’s shower.

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‘Oh, please won’t you bring back my bonn … AAARGH! ’Tis freezin’ me wee …’ Nadine turned off the tap and things in the bathroom went back to normal. Then it was Narelle’s turn with the cold tap again. ‘AARGH! What’s goin’ on!’ We managed to get in another three goes with each tap, making the shower go from scaldingly hot to freezing cold and back again, before Grandad Fergus finally gave up and turned the shower off. ‘He’s out! Quick!’ Narelle was across the lawn like a shot, tapping three times on the laundry window as she passed. Nadine shot upstairs again and by the time Grandad Fergus opened the bathroom door we were both back in our bedroom, just where he’d seen us on his way in to the bathroom, as though we’d never moved. ‘Did you have a nice shower, Grandad?’ I gave him my most innocent smile. ‘I liked your singing,’ added Nadine. ‘Are you finished with the bathroom now, Grandad?’ asked Narelle, coming up the stairs. ‘I might have my shower, then.’

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‘Och, lassie, I would nae go in there if I were you. There’s somethin’ aglae with the water. ’Tis all hot, then cold, and ne’er a second in the middle.’ ‘You just need to know how to adjust it,’ Narelle replied lightly and disappeared through the bathroom door. A couple of minutes later the hiss of water floated out to us. ‘Ahhh!’ Narelle sighed with contentment. ‘Hmph!’ Grandad Fergus stamped down the hallway and into my room. When Narelle came out of the bathroom, she checked that the coast was clear, then nipped into our room. ‘Did it work?’ ‘Yeah. No worries.’ ‘Excellent. Same time tomorrow night, then?’ ‘You bet. But tomorrow I’ll take the back lawn, you do the laundry, and Nadine can stay upstairs on lookout.’ ‘Do you think it’ll be enough?’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘To get rid of him.’ Narelle shook her wet hair out of its towel as she spoke, sending droplets of water flying all over the room. ‘I’m not sure that just messing around with his showers will make him want to leave.’

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‘Have you got any other ideas?’ Narelle smiled. ‘Actually, I do …’

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Chapter Fifteen That shrinking feeling

Two days later Grandad Fergus put on a load of washing. This was what we’d been waiting for. Narelle had been right. We’d been giving him hot and cold running water every time he had a shower, but it hadn’t seemed to discourage him, so we’d decided to go to plan ‘B’, which meant waiting for a washing day. Since the moment he’d arrived, Grandad Fergus had refused to let anybody else touch his clothes, especially his kilts. ‘Och! They’re pure highland wool. I cannae have anybody just messin’ them up. Ye have to know how to wash them right.’ At first Mum tried to convince him to put his dirty clothes in the same basket as the rest of us, but he’d insisted only he could wash them properly.

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‘They’re a delicate thread, an’ I’ll nae have them mussed up. The wee lyin’ bairn there already made a fankle of me best sporran!’ ‘THAT WAS COUSIN MYRTLE!’ Narelle stamped out of the room. So when we saw him lug his dirty clothes down to the laundry, we knew we were in luck. I grabbed Nadine. ‘Ready?’ ‘Yeah.’ In the laundry, Grandad Fergus was muttering as he loaded the machine. Then a couple of moments later, he clumped back upstairs. ‘Okay! Let’s go.’ Being a Saturday morning, it was getting close to bagpipe practice time, so Mum and Dad were both out in the yard, Mum gardening and Dad in his shed, still making plans for the granny flat. We’d decided that the best way to cover ourselves was to offer to help them. Narelle was out at the movies with her friends, so she was safe. Of course, to get out to the yard and shed, we had to go through the laundry. ‘Oops!’ I whispered, grinning at Nadine, as I turned the temperature control on the washing machine up from ‘cold’ to ‘sixty degrees’. She winked back at me. ‘Hey, Mum, can we help out here?’

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‘Sure.’ We gardened for an hour or so until we heard a yell from the laundry. Pulling weeds out of the garden isn’t an ideal activity for a Saturday afternoon, but it was the best way to cover ourselves. ‘AARGH! Me kilts!’ This was followed by a whole lot of Scottish swearing, which I wouldn’t be able to repeat even if I’d understood it. Grandad Fergus stormed out into the yard. ‘Look what those evil footer bairns have done to me kilts!’ He was holding up a tartan kilt that was slightly smaller than most of Narelle’s miniskirts. It looked more like a large dog collar. ‘Calm down, Dad. What’s happened?’ ‘Look, woman! Me best kilt! ’Tis all wee an’ ruined!’ ‘Oh dear.’ Mum took the wet woollen garment off him and held it up. ‘It has shrunk a bit, hasn’t it?’ She laid it out on the back table. ‘How about we let it dry? It might stretch out a little.’ ‘What are ye goin’ to do about them?’ Grandad Fergus pointed at me and Nadine. ‘Us?’ I said, all innocence. ‘We didn’t do it.’

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‘They’ve been out here with me for the last hour at least, Dad,’ Mum told him. ‘Let’s go and check the washing machine.’ We all trooped into the laundry. ‘Look!’ Mum pointed at the dial. ‘You had the water temperature up at its highest. Didn’t you remember to check it before you started the load?’ ‘Aye, I’m sure I did. I always do.’ ‘Well, I’d say you forgot this time.’ Mum pulled another mini-kilt out of the machine. ‘They’re all the same, I’m afraid. We’ll have to take you down to the shops to get some new trousers to wear.’ ‘I’m not wearin’ a pair of pants, ye bletherin’ besom —’ he started to snap, but Mum cut him off. ‘If you’re going to be like that, then do whatever you want.’ She threw the kilt back into the machine and marched over to the laundry door, where she stopped and turned. ‘Honestly, Dad, don’t you think it’s time you stopped complaining and blaming everyone else for things? If it’s not the hot water, it’s your washing. Grow up!’ She slammed the door as she left. Grandad Fergus watched her for a second or two and then stomped off in the other direction. Before long the house was filled with the sound of bagpipes. Perhaps it was my imagination, but they sounded kinda sad. Even more than usual.

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A couple of hours later Narelle was back from the movies. ‘How’d it go?’ she whispered, as I passed her in the entry hall. ‘No problems.’ I gave her the thumbs-up. We fell silent as my bedroom door opened again, and Grandad Fergus came down the stairs. ‘What’re ye looking at?’ he snarled. The short answer was we were looking at his legs. And a lot of them. His kilt was only about halfway down his thighs, and above his long socks his legs were all hairy. The sporran around his waist came down below the hem of the kilt. ‘You look lovely, Grandad,’ Narelle answered. ‘Would you like to borrow some of my make-up, to go with your pretty skirt?’ I was almost crying from trying not to laugh. At that moment Mum came out of the kitchen. ‘Dad, you can’t go out looking like that.’ ‘But Mary, ’tis me best kilt.’ ‘Not any more it isn’t. You might as well give it to Narelle to wear. It’ll look better on her, now.’ ‘No thanks,’ Narelle cut in. ‘It’s not really my colour.’

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‘Come on, Dad.’ Even Mum was trying not to laugh. ‘Come back upstairs and we’ll find something of Kevin’s that’ll fit you.’ At the thought of having to wear Dad’s pants, all the fight went out of Grandad. His shoulders drooped and he shook his head sadly. ‘Aye, Mary, I guess you’re right. Still, I’ve been wearing this kilt nigh on forty-five years now. I wore this wee suit the day I married your mother. ’Tis a pity to see her go this way.’ Poor Grandad Fergus looked so dejected as he traipsed back up the stairs that I had to work really hard to ignore the uncomfortable feeling that had suddenly set up house in the bottom of my guts. I mean, really hard.

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Chapter Sixteen Operation ‘room restore’ No.2

‘And he still won’t leave?’ Gnarly sounded amazed. ‘Nah. We’ve been messing with his showers and stuff for almost two weeks now, and he’s still staying.’ ‘What else have you done?’ ‘Narelle has been reprogramming the TV remote control every morning before she goes to school so it won’t pick up any of the channels, and he can’t watch TV during the day, but she fixes it as soon as she gets home, so when he complains to Mum and Dad it’s always working fine.’ ‘Not bad, said Gnarly, impressed. ‘What else?’ ‘We’ve mixed dried fish flakes with his rolled oats so that every morning his porridge tastes like fish, and one night while he was out I managed to get back into my old room —’ ‘Did you find your skateboard?’

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‘Yeah. It’s under the bed with Strawberry and my CDs, but I couldn’t take them, otherwise he’d be able to prove it was us doing all this stuff.’ ‘Good thinking. So what did you do in his room?’ ‘I gummed up a couple of the pipes in his bagpipes with blu-tack. Now it sounds like a dying parrot every time he tries to play it.’ ‘I’m surprised you can tell the difference.’ ‘We can’t. He can, though, and it’s driving him nuts. Narelle’s also been watering down his whiskey with cold tea.’ ‘Wow. And he still won’t leave?’ ‘Nah. Whatever’s keeping him here must be pretty darn important, to outweigh all the stunts we’ve been pulling.’ ‘Wherever he goes in the evenings has something to do with it, right?’ ‘I guess.’ ‘So you need to find out what he’s up to.’ ‘Yeah, but how? We’re all still grounded – me for the teeth, Narelle for the trip to the pub, and Nadine’s —’ ‘Too little. I know. You don’t reckon your Mum’s likely to un-ground you?’

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‘She might. It’s been a few weeks. Why?’ ‘’Cause if I can come and stay with you guys this weekend, perhaps we can follow your grandad.’ ‘Can’t be this weekend. Mum and Dad are going out on Friday night and —’ ‘Even better then. Who’s looking after you?’ I hesitated. ‘Narelle.’ Gnarly didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. ‘There’s no way she’ll buy into this, though. No way.’ ‘You don’t think? Come on, dude, she’s been helping out with the other stuff …’ ‘Yeah, but this is different …’ ‘Just try.’ ‘I’ll think about it.’ ‘Cool. You do that. Anyway, I gotta go.’ ‘Okay. Seeya.’ I went upstairs deep in thought. Gnarls was right about one thing: if there was some way of finding out exactly

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why Grandad Fergus was here, it would certainly help our project along. I knocked on Narelle’s bedroom door. ‘Yeah?’ ‘You reckon Mum would let Gnarly come over to stay this weekend?’ Narelle looked doubtful. ‘Not with them going out. Why?’ I told her and she shook her head. ‘No way. Even if she lets him stay, there’s no way in the world I’d let the two of you go following him.’ ‘Yeah.’ I sighed. ‘It was just a thought.’ ‘Hey, cheer up, Bug. We’ll get to him eventually.’ It was strange. One good thing that had come of our campaign against Grandad Fergus was that Narelle and I were now getting along better than we ever had before. ‘I hope so.’ ‘In the meantime, don’t worry about it.’ Back in my new room, I threw myself down on the mattress with a sigh. It felt like I’d been living in the middle of this stuffed zoo forever. How depressing. A minute or two later Dad tapped on the bedroom door. ‘Nath, mate?’

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‘Yeah?’ ‘Your mum and I were wondering if you’d like to go over to The Shack this weekend, and stay with Jim and Gnarly.’ I sat up. ‘Really?’ ‘Yeah. You’ve done enough time for that whole thing with the teeth and we both think you need a bit of a break. Besides that, it’ll be easier if Narelle’s only got Nadine to look after on Friday night.’ ‘That’d be great. Can I call Gnarls and tell him?’ ‘Yeah. Off you go.’ I bolted for the phone. Gnarly picked it up on the second ring. ‘Dude, that’s great news.’ ‘I know. I’ll be across after school on Friday.’ ‘Nah. Meet me at the bus station in town.’ ‘How come?’ ‘So we can follow your grandad.’ ‘Gnarls, it’s not a good idea.’ ‘Nath, mate, trust me.’

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Trust me. For some reason, whenever I hear Gnarly say those two little words, I get really nervous, my skin prickles and I break out into a sweat. You’d think I’d learn something from that, wouldn’t you?

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Chapter Seventeen Cats and dogs

‘Dude, you all set?’ ‘Listen, Gnarls …’ All day at school I’d been thinking up every possible reason why we shouldn’t go following my grandfather. Now we were at the bus station, and I still hadn’t come up with a thing. ‘I really don’t reckon this is going to work out.’ ‘Of course it will. I’ve told Dad we’re going to your place after school, then to a movie. He’s going to pick us up from the cinema when we call him. All we have to do is wait for your grandad to head out, follow him and see what he’s getting up to, then head for the cinema and call Dad. Easy.’ Easy. I hoped so. I tried not to think about what would happen if Mum and Dad found out what we were doing. ‘What time does he usually leave the house?’

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‘Depends. Anywhere between six and seven-thirty.’ ‘We should be in position early, but we’ve still got a couple of hours to kill. Let’s go get a hamburger.’ The burger place was packed with schoolkids, and we found a booth to sit in and much on our fries. ‘So Nath, what are you going to do when you get your room back?’ ‘If I get it back. We still don’t even know what he’s up to.’ ‘Dude, relax.’ Gnarls grinned. ‘Two guys who can kill a motorbike like we did last summer can follow an old man. Simple.’ ‘Gnarls, that was pure luck.’ ‘You worry too much for your own good, Nath.’ Gnarls looked at his watch. ‘Come on, time to go.’ We caught the bus out to my house, getting off a stop earlier than usual, at the corner of the local park. ‘Now what?’ ‘Let’s stash our school bags in those bushes then find a decent hiding place to intercept your grandad.’ Gnarls pointed at a clump of scrub on the edge of the park. ‘What if somebody finds them?’

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‘Dude, we can’t shadow your grandfather if we’re lugging twenty kilos of files and books around. Besides, it’s just school stuff. It’s not like there’s anything valuable in them, right?’ ‘I guess.’ We chucked our bags into the scrub and rearranged the branches so they couldn’t be easily seen. ‘Right then. Let’s find an intercept point.’ He looked at his watch again. ‘Quarter to six. Heaps of time. In what direction does he go when he leaves?’ ‘Left.’ ‘Cool. This way, then.’ Skirting around the block and up a back laneway, we came to a row of graffiti-covered wheelie bins, just a few houses to the left of mine. ‘How about behind these?’ Gnarls pointed to the bins. ‘We’ll be able to see him coming as soon as he leaves your house.’ ‘Looks good to me.’ We hunkered down behind the bins. It was getting darker. ‘Gnarls …’ ‘Shhh! Don’t talk. He could come by any second.’

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‘Can you smell something?’ ‘I think it’s the bins.’ I don’t know what was in those bins, but they really ponged. It smelt like rotting fish. ‘You reckon we should find somewhere less smelly to hide?’ ‘No time. Someone’s coming.’ Footsteps echoed along the path from the direction of our house. We crouched lower to the ground and held our breath – though that was mainly because of the stench. ‘Come on, Nadine.’ Narelle dragged Nadine past the laneway. ‘We’ll miss the start!’ ‘Where do you think they’re off to?’ Gnarls whispered, as soon as they were out of earshot. ‘Dunno. Mum and Dad must have told Narelle she could take Nadine to the movies.’ We crouched there for another ten minutes. My legs were beginning to cramp, but the ground around the bins looked kind of grotty and there was no way I was going to sit down on it. I decided to risk having a stretch. ‘What are you doing?’ Gnarls hissed as I stood up.

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‘Stretching. I’m gonna break something if I keep crouching like that.’ ‘Get down, dude. What if your grandad comes along?’ ‘We’ll hear him. He walks like a herd of elephants.’ Suddenly, before I could stretch properly, a voice yelled up the laneway from behind us. ‘What are you kids up to?’ An angry-looking bloke was running towards us wearing nothing but a dressing-gown and waving a hockey stick. ‘Bloody vandals! Tagging my bins! Now you’re in for it!’ ‘Crikey, Nath, run.’ Gnarls bolted out into the street, hung a fast left-hand turn and shot off. I started to follow, but my leg finally cramped, sending me stumbling into the bins. ‘Aargh!’ One of them came down on top of me, its lid coming off and pouring about a hundred fish heads and thick, slimy, foul-smelling liquid all over me. ‘Gotcha!’ The man in the dressing-gown grabbed my arm. ‘Now, let’s teach you a lesson about not vandalising other people’s property, eh?’ My arm was grabbed so hard it brought tears to my eyes. Mind you, that could have been partly caused by the fishy-smelling stuff soaking into my school uniform.

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‘Ow! Let go!’ I wriggled but the bloke had a death grip and he just squeezed even harder and dug his fingers into the soft skin at the top of my arm. ‘You kids think you can just run wild and do whatever you want, don’t you? You probably think it’s funny, eh?’ He swung me a round. ‘Well, it’s not so funny when you get caught, is it?’ He had this sort of half-deranged, mad grin on his face the whole time. ‘We didn’t touch your bins.’ ‘Yeah, right! Who’s been painting all the graffiti on them, eh? The tooth fairy?’ He gave me hard shove. ‘It wasn’t us. Look, can you see any spray paint around?’ The man hesitated. His dressing-gown had fallen open and he was wearing nothing but a pair of blue satin boxer shorts with ‘Kiss the chef’ and a picture of a penguin with big lips wearing an apron printed all over them. ‘What are you doing hanging around here at this time of night, then? And why did your mate run away?’ ‘Uhm …’ Somehow I didn’t think that he’d believe me if I tried to explain that we were waiting to tail my insane Scottish grandfather. ‘We’re working on a school project.’ ‘Hmph!’ The man snorted. ‘That’s the best you can come up with, is it? I bet your mate has the paint. Well, let’s call the cops, and they can sort it out.’ He dropped the hockey

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stick and fished around with his free hand in the pocket of his dressing-gown. ‘Listen, Mister, if you let me go, you’ll never see me again. Honestly.’ ‘What’s your name, kid?’ Like I was going to tell him. Instead, I blurted out the first name that popped into my head. ‘Fergus.’ ‘Fergus what?’ ‘Fergus McCraigh.’ Honestly, what was I thinking? ‘Well, Fergus McCraigh, it looks like my mobile is back in the house, so you’re going to come with me while I call the police.’ He started to drag me back up the laneway, but stumbled in the smelly, slimy goo that was all over the place. His hand slipped and I was away before he had a chance to grab at me again. ‘Come back here!’ ‘No way,’ I muttered, turning left out of the laneway and sprinting along our street. The bloke began to follow, but

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as soon as he reached the street with its bright lamps, he remembered that he was basically naked. ‘I’m gonna find you, son! You wait!’ But now I was clear. A couple of minutes later I slowed to a trot. Gnarly was nowhere to be seen. At the next corner was a house with an overgrown front garden. A voice hissed at me out of the middle of a tangled shrub. ‘Psst! Nath!’ ‘Gnarls?’ ‘In here.’ The bushes rustled, and Gnarls emerged. He had a couple of leaves stuck into his hair. ‘Is the coast clear?’ ‘Yeah. I lost him.’ ‘Phew! Dude, you stink.’ ‘You don’t need to tell me that.’ ‘Anyway, I found a better hiding spot. We can see everything.’ ‘Listen, Gnarls, I’m going to go home and get changed.’ ‘There’s no time, Nath. Here he comes!’

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Sure enough, back up the street the front door of our house was opening and Grandad Fergus was stepping out, dressed in a new pair of pants and his usual shirt and jacket. He would have looked like any other old man, if it wasn’t for the fact that the pants were blue tartan. ‘Get in quick, Nath!’ Gnarly disappeared back into the bushes and after only a moment’s hesitation I dived in after him. ‘Nath,’ Gnarls whispered, as soon as I was hidden, ‘can you do me a favour?’ ‘What?’ ‘Just move over there a little away from me.’ ‘How come?’ ‘You smell like a bucket of old bait.’ ‘Gee, thanks!’ ‘Well, I’m sorry, but you do.’ I shuffled a little bit away and then peered out between a couple of branches. Grandad was still fumbling with his keys in our front door. ‘Can’t you move any further? And possibly get downwind?’ ‘Shh!’

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Grandad walked along the pavement towards our hiding place. Behind me, deeper in the tangles of bush, something moved. ‘Gnarls, did you hear something?’ ‘Quiet, dude, he’s nearly here.’ Another branch rustled, off to my right. It was so dark I couldn’t make out a thing. A couple of metres away, on the pavement, Grandad Fergus strolled past without giving us a second glance. ‘Okay, Nath, get ready. We’ll give him a few seconds then slip out and follow.’ But I had other things to worry about. All around me now, the bush was rustling and creaking, almost like it was alive. Then I saw the eyes. About thirty of them. Yellow and hungry and glittering in the gloomy light. ‘Uhm, Gnarls?’ But Gnarly still had his eyes glued on Grandad Fergus’s retreating back. ‘Just a couple more seconds, dude. He’s almost at the corner.’ Something brushed against my leg. ‘I really think we should move right now.’

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‘Nah, just give it another —’ At that moment every single cat in our neighbourhood attacked me. ‘AARGH!’ I exploded out of the bushes with about thirty cats right behind me. Lady Tabatha, Mrs Finke’s disgusting Persian, was leading them. ‘Nath!’ Gnarls tried to follow, but he tripped over a ginger tomcat and went sprawling onto the pavement. ‘Get off! Get off!’ I yelled, but the cats all thought I was some kind of huge running salmon or something and they streaked after me. ‘This way, dude.’ Gnarly was up and headed across the road towards the Von Livpeg’s house. I realised straightaway what he had in mind. ‘Are you nuts?’ ‘Come on. It’ll get rid of the cats.’ At that moment Lady Tabatha launched herself off the ground, mid-stride, and came at me like a ground-to-air missile. She sunk all her front claws into my bum, right through the seat of my school uniform pants. ‘AARGH!’

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That did it. Half limping now, with Mrs Finke’s psychotic Persian still firm l y attached to my behind, I followed Gnarls across towards the Von Livpeg’s house. Mr and Mrs Von Livpeg had the only house in the street that neither kids nor cats dared to go near. The reason for this was Mitzy, their enormous German Shepherd dog, who roamed free in their front yard and whose mission in life was to try to eat anything that came near the fence. Mitzy was like a cross between a bear, a tiger and a piranha. For years the only protection the kids in our neighbourhood had had from Mitzy was the two-metrehigh steel mesh fence that ran all the way around the Von Livpeg’s front yard. For years Mitzy had been trying to get through or over it but luckily for us had so far never managed it. As soon as she saw us coming across the road, with every single cat within five kilometres chasing us, she went absolutely ballistic, hurling herself against the fence and barking so much that the lights came on in the house behind her. It worked, though. The cats stopped dead, right in the middle of the road. Even Lady Tabatha let go of my backside and retreated. ‘Good work, Nath!’ Gnarls was standing just beside the Von Livpeg’s gate, puffing a bit but grinning. Behind him, Mitzy was still going completely nuts. She could see both us and all the cats and she was throwing herself as high up the fence as she could. Gnarls turned and watched her for a couple of seconds. 146

‘Grrrr …’ he growled. That did it. When Gnarls growled, Mitzy took an enormous leap and, after years of trying, finally managed to clear the fence. ‘Oh, no!’ When she hit the ground on our side I think she was as surprised as we were. Only for about half a second, though. She lunged straight at Gnarly, who managed to dodge right at the last second. Beyond Gnarly were the cats. Howling with a combination of rage and delight, Mitzy threw herself at them and absolute pandemonium broke out – screeching and barking and hissing, and fur flying everywhere. ‘What is going on out there?’ The Von Livpeg’s porch light came on, and Mr Von Livpeg burst outside. ‘Mitzy! Bad Doggie!’ All up and down the street, other lights were coming on and doors were opening. ‘Come on, Nath, let’s go!’ I didn’t need to be told twice. Gnarls and I jogged off after Grandad.

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Chapter Eighteen A night on the town

‘There!’ It only took us a couple of minutes to catch up to Grandad Fergus; he wasn’t moving too fast. Gnarly spotted him just as he turned the corner at the end of our street. We slowed down and started walking. ‘That was crazy, back there.’ ‘At least you didn’t end up smelling like the fish John West rejected.’ ‘Yeah. Still, I guess at least nothing else can go wrong this evening. Let’s face it, dude, it can’t get worse.’ ‘Let’s hope.’ Up ahead, my grandfather was strolling along the sidewalk, and every now and then we could hear him whistling a few notes of some Scottish tune. A couple of 148

times he stopped or glanced around and we had to duck behind a tree or hide behind a car. He didn’t spot us, though, and finally, several streets later, he walked up the front path of a house. ‘Whose place is that?’ ‘Dunno. I’ve never been here before.’ The house looked the same as every other in the street. It had a small front lawn with flower beds all around the edges, and a front porch which was mostly shielded from the street with overgrown shrubs. The porch light was on, and Gnarls and I stood in the shadows of a tree and watched while Grandad Fergus rang the doorbell. A couple of moments later the door opened and he disappeared inside. ‘Did you see who opened the door?’ I asked Gnarly. ‘Nah, those bushes were in the way.’ We stood and stared at the house. ‘So, what now? Should we head for the cinema?’ ‘No way. We’ve gotta know what he’s up to.’ Gnarly headed towards the house. I didn’t have much choice but to follow.

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The front yard was fenced off with a low, white picket fence. The curtains in the house were drawn, so it was impossible to make out anything inside. ‘McCormack.’ Gnarly stopped by the letterbox. ‘Eh?’ ‘Here. No. 57 – McCormack,’ he read off it. ‘Do you know anyone named McCormack?’ ‘Nah.’ I shook my head. ‘Sounds Scottish, though. Perhaps it’s an old friend of Grandad’s.’ ‘Let’s find out.’ Gnarls leaped over the low fence and onto the lawn. ‘Come on, Nath. We’ll just have a quick poke around.’ Running across the lawn, we ducked below one of the front windows. Inside it was completely silent. ‘Gnarls, this is a waste of time. Let’s go.’ At that moment the lights went out and the front door began to open. ‘Down!’ We ducked behind some shrubbery that ran around the edge of the verandah. ‘The taxi’ll be here in a jiffy.’

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‘Let’s wait out front for it, then. It’s such a nice evening.’ The first speaker was Grandad. I didn’t recognise the second. It was a woman, though. ‘Aye, Flora. And ’tis all the more bonny for your company.’ ‘Get off with you, Fergus. Ye do blather on.’ The woman’s accent was sort of like Grandad’s, but not nearly so difficult to understand. Gnarls and I went dead still. ‘Ach. ’Tis not blather. Ye know what I’m saying.’ ‘Aye, that I do, Fergus.’ Neither spoke for a couple of seconds, but a strange sucking sound floated down to us. Deciding to risk a quick peek, I slowly kneeled up and glanced over the top of the bush. Grandad Fergus and the woman named Flora were standing on the front porch. Flora, wearing a long blue dress, looked almost as old as Grandad. Her hair was pure white and her bare arms were wrinkled with thousands of fine creases. It took only half a second for me to take in all of this. ‘What’s happening, dude?’ Gnarly’s voice was barely a whisper.

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I shook my head, not wanting to believe what I’d just witnessed. ‘What?’ ‘Grandad Fergus is using his kissing teeth.’ Even saying it felt wrong. ‘Eww. Gross.’ ‘Shh.’ The sucking noises stopped. ‘Flora, did ye hear something?’ ‘No.’ Up on the porch, Grandad Fergus was sniffing loudly. ‘Nae? I swear I heard a noise. An’ there’s an awful smell about here, too.’ Now the old woman sniffed. ‘Aye. Now you mention it, like rotten fish.’ ‘’Tis terrible strong, whatever it is. I’ll have a wee look in the bushes, aye?’ Beside me, Gnarly tensed up ready to run. ‘No time, Fergus. Here’s the taxi.’

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Out at the street, a white car was pulling in to the kerb. ‘Och. Later then.’ ‘Let’s go.’ Grandad Fergus and Flora walked right past our hiding place, out the front gate and Grandad helped Flora into the waiting car, which zoomed off up the road. Finally, Gnarly and I stood up. Gnarls threw a grin at me. ‘So, Grandad Fergus has a girlfriend.’

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Chapter Nineteen At the movies

‘How long until your dad gets here?’ Trust me, standing in front of the cinemas on a Friday night in your school uniform and stinking like a bucket of catfood is not a fun way to round out an evening. ‘He didn’t say. Should be soon, though.’ ‘I hope so. I don’t think I can take this much longer.’ Every time somebody walked near us, they sniffed and stared. Mind you, we looked pretty dodgy. In addition to my delicate dead fish odour, we were both filthy dirty and covered in scratches and scrapes from all the crawling and running around we’d been doing. ‘Still,’ Gnarls said, ‘it was worth it, eh? Now we know why your grandfather is here.’ ‘Yeah, I guess.’

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In all honesty, though, I wasn’t sure what we’d really achieved, apart from getting attacked by cats and almost beaten to death by a madman with a hockey stick. So Grandad Fergus had a girlfriend. Sure, it was kinda gross to think about it, but as far as I knew there was nothing actually wrong with it. This is what I was thinking about when a group of five teenage boys slouched past. ‘Phew!’ The boy in the lead was wearing a pair of skate pants that hung around his knees. His undies were visible over the top of them. They were bright green boxer shorts with little red devils on skateboards all over them ‘Can you guys smell something?’ ‘Yeah, reminds me of my Nanna’s cooking.’ ‘Or my dog’s farts.’ They all laughed. ‘Don’t say anything,’ I whispered to Gnarls, but it was too late. ‘Yeah? Well, at least we know how to use a belt.’ The five stopped. ‘What did you say?’ ‘He didn’t say anything. Come on, Gnarls.’ I grabbed Gnarly and tried to drag him in the direction of the cinema doors. ‘Let’s get inside and find your old man, eh?’

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‘A belt, you’ve heard of them, right? They hold up your pants. We might smell a bit, but at least we don’t show off our underpants in public. Didn’t your mummy teach you how to get dressed in the morning?’ The boys stepped closer. A couple moved around behind us. ‘Whadda you reckon, fellas, should we show these two how to respect their elders?’ ‘Yeah. They could use a lesson in manners.’ ‘Hang on, guys,’ I began, but they weren’t listening. ‘Hey, Johnno, which one should we do first?’ One of the boys gave me a shove from behind. ‘The surfie, or the scrawny one with the body odour problem?’ ‘Dunno.’ Johnno scratched at a pimple on his chin. ‘The surfie seems to have the biggest mouth, but it’s the skinny one who’s really stinking up the neighbourhood.’ ‘How about they do rock paper scissors?’ another boy suggested. ‘Loser gets pounded first.’ ‘Great idea, Baz.’ Johnno glared at us. ‘You heard him. Get on with it.’ ‘You’re kidding.’ ‘Do I look like I’m joking? Do rock paper scissors or I’ll just pick one of you.’

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I looked at Gnarls, who shrugged. The boys were all around us now, so there was no way of running. Gnarly held up his right fist. ‘On three, eh, Nath?’ ‘Gnarls …’ Then I caught the gleam in Gnarly’s eyes. I knew that look. Gnarls had a plan. ‘Okay, then.’ I held up my own fist. ‘One.’ I tried to think. What should I pick? Rock, paper … ‘Two.’ Or … ‘Three.’ Scissors! I made the scissors gesture with my right hand, at the same time as Gnarls held out his closed fist. ‘Rock beats scissors,’ said Johnno. ‘Right, boys, looks like stinkbag gets pounded first.’ ‘How about best two out of three?’ Gnarly asked. ‘Nah. One’ll do it.’ Two of the boys grabbed me. ‘Gnarls,’ I hissed at him, ‘what’s the plan?’

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‘What plan?’ ‘Don’t you have a plan?’ ‘No. I was just stalling.’ ‘Right then,’ Johnno raised a fist the size of a rockmelon. ‘Here we go …’ ‘Hey Johnno! Hey Baz! What’s going on?’ ‘NARELLE?’ Everyone turned at once. Narelle was standing just a couple of metres away, Nadine behind her. Johnno’s hand froze in mid-air. ‘Aw … Er ... Hey, Narelle. Whassup?’ ‘You know. I had to take my silly little sister here to the movies.’ ‘Yeah? What’d you see?’ ‘Some crap film about a boy and three dogs and a kitten.’ I couldn’t believe it. Johnno’s fist was still hanging there, all ready to connect with my face, and he was talking with my sister about a kid’s film. ‘So anyway,’ Narelle continued, ‘what are you guys doing with my little brother?’

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‘Who? This kid?’ Johnno nodded at me. ‘He’s your brother? ‘I know, he’s not much to look at, but yeah, he’s my brother.’ ‘Why does he smell so bad?’ Narelle sniffed. ‘He’s always smelled like that. Some strange disease he got as a baby. You don’t notice it after a while.’ ‘But …’ I started. Narelle gave me a laser beam look that said ‘Shut up, Bug’, and I closed my mouth. ‘We were gonna teach him and his mate a lesson.’ ‘Why?’ ‘’Cause … Ah, doesn’t matter, does it, guys?’ The rest of the group muttered ‘Nah’. ‘Cool. ’Cause my mum and dad are a bit protective of him, that’s all,’ said Narelle. ‘He’s not very bright, you know.’ Johnno finally dropped his fist and his mates let go of my arms. Nobody moved, though. They all stood around with their hands stuck deep into their pockets. ‘Urr,’ said Baz. ‘Uhm,’ replied Johnno.

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‘So, Johnno,’ Narelle said finally, ‘do you wanna hang out some time? Go into town or something?’ Johnno’s face cracked into a huge grin. ‘Yeah! That’d be great! When?’ ‘Dunno. I’m kind of grounded at the moment, but when I’m allowed out again, could I shoot you an SMS?’ ‘That’d be excellent.’ From the expression on Johnno’s face, you’d have thought it was Christmas. ‘Jeez,’ Gnarly whispered to me, ‘it’s only Narelle. How desperate is this guy?’ I elbowed him in the ribs. ‘And now I’d better get my stinky little brother home.’ ‘See you soon, then?’ ‘It’s a date.’ The boys shambled off. As soon as they were out of earshot, Narelle grabbed my arm. ‘You owe me big-time, Bug.’ ‘Thanks.’ ‘Now I have to spend a Saturday night with that loser and his mates. I hope you’re happy.’

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‘I am.’ I was. Seriously. For a few moments there I’d thought I was dead. ‘What are you two doing here, anyway? I thought you were spending the night at The Shack? And why do you smell like rotten fish?’ ‘It’s a long story. We were following Grandad Fergus and —’ ‘What do you mean “following him”?’ Narelle looked pretty mad all of a sudden. ‘To find out where he goes at night. And guess what we discovered? He’s —’ Narelle held up a hand. ‘Not now.’ ‘What?’ ‘I don’t want to hear another word. Not until we get home.’ ‘Why not?’ She was about to say more, but Gnarly’s dad pulled up beside us in his car. ‘Hey guys!’ He sniffed. ‘Phew, what’s that aftershave you’re wearing, Nath? It smells like —’

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‘Rotten fish. Yeah, I know.’ ‘Well, I guess we can leave the windows down on the ride home. How was the movie?’ I could feel Narelle’s eyes boring into the back of my neck. ‘Great,’ said Gnarls. ‘Anyway, we should get a move on, eh?’ He started to get into the front seat. ‘Where are your school bags?’ ‘Ah, we … er … left them at Nath’s place. It’s okay, I’ll get mine next week.’ Gnarls is a terrible liar. ‘No, it’s okay. We’ll swing by and pick them up on the way home. That way we can give the girls a lift.’ ‘Thanks, Jim, but I think we’d rather walk in the fresh air.’ Narelle was still glaring at me. ‘And I might take Nathan home too. He seriously needs a shower and a change of clothes, and then he and I need to have a long talk.’ The way she said the word ‘long’, it sounded just like my mother talking. This is not a good thing. ‘You sure? I thought he was going to have the weekend with us?’ Narelle gave me another warning look. A look which told me that if I didn’t want Mum and Dad finding out about our activities, I’d better go along with her.

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‘That’s okay,’ I said. ‘If I don’t have my homework Mum’ll kill me. You know how she is. I’ll get Dad to run Gnarly’s bag across tomorrow, though.’ ‘Okay, then.’ Jim grinned at me. He had the same smile as Gnarly. ‘Perhaps next week.’ ‘Yeah, I’ll be more organised then.’ ‘Excellent. Bye.’ He roared off, leaving me, Narelle and Nadine standing there. ‘Right, you, let’s go,’ Narelle said to me. ‘Where?’ ‘First, we’re going to get your school bags from wherever it is you and Gnarly have stashed them, then you’re going home to have a shower, and then you and I have things to talk about.’ And Gnarly said this night couldn’t get any worse …

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Chapter Twenty Lying in the dark

I’ve never enjoyed a shower as much. I found Narelle in her room. ‘Hey, Grandad’s got a —’ ‘…girlfriend.’ Narelle finished the sentence for me. My jaw dropped. ‘How did you know?’ ‘First, because it’s obvious – him going out all dressed up every night. Second, because he forgot to delete his emails to her from my laptop. Third, because I saw her with him when I got busted at the pub. And finally, because Mum and Dad told me about a week after he arrived here.’ ‘They knew? And you’ve known all along? And you didn’t tell me?’ Narelle shrugged. ‘It was none of your business. It still isn’t.’ ‘But …’ I began.

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‘Listen, Bug.’ Narelle cut me off. ‘If Mum and Dad thought you needed to know about Grandad’s love life, they’d have told you. But they didn’t want him pestered and they certainly didn’t want you and Gnarly trying to use it in some harebrained stunt to try to get him to leave. That’s why they didn’t tell you.’ ‘But you helped us mess around with his showers, and with the remote control and —’ ‘I’m as sick of having him here as you are, Nath,’ she said. ‘But there are some things you don’t interfere with and this is one of them.’ ‘It could be the perfect opportunity …’ ‘To do what? Wreck one of his dates? Post nasty letters to his girlfriend? Try and break them up?’ ‘No. But we could tell him that if he doesn’t leave then we’ll —’ ‘Tell Mum and Dad? They already know. Face it, Nathan, we’re stuck with Grandad Fergus until he decides to leave of his own accord.’ ‘But …’ ‘No buts. If you mess around with him and his girlfriend, the one who’ll get the most hurt is probably going to be poor old Flora. And what’s she done to you? You haven’t even met her.’

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Sometimes Narelle sounds just like my mother. I’d never have the nerve to tell her, though. I sighed. ‘How’d they meet, anyway?’ Narelle shrugged. ‘I don’t know any of the details. All Mum told me was that he was here to spend some time with his girlfriend and I was to keep it to myself.’ ‘Do Mum and Dad approve?’ ‘I don’t think it matters. Grandad’s eighty-three years old. Do you think he needs to ask permission before going on a date?’ ‘Guess not.’ ‘What about Nadine? Does she know?’ ‘No.’ Narelle shook her head. ‘And she’s not to find out. Mum doesn’t want her pestering Grandad Fergus with all her questions. You know how she gets.’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘You’d better not let on that I’ve told you either, Bug, or we’ll both be in trouble. And after that thing with Johnno outside the cinemas, you owe me.’ ‘I know. Thanks again.’ ‘Just don’t get me into any more trouble.’

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‘I’ll do my best.’ ‘Good.’ Narelle looked at her watch. ‘You should get to bed. Mum and Dad will be home any minute now.’ ‘What are you going to tell them about tonight?’ ‘You mean, am I going to dob you in?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Not this time. But you’d better keep your nose clean from now on, little brother.’ ‘Won’t they want to know why I’m not at Gnarly’s?’ ‘We’ll tell them you felt sick and decided to come home.’ ‘What if they check with Jim?’ Narelle shrugged. ‘Then it’s your problem. Unless you can think of a better excuse.’ I couldn’t. ‘I’ll just have to risk it.’ ‘Guess so. Now, get to bed.’ I headed up the stairs. Nadine was already snoring from somewhere under a pile of stuffed animals. I slipped quietly into my pyjamas, flopped onto my mattress and closed my eyes. Downstairs, I heard the front door slam and voices in the entry hall. A couple of moments later the

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bedroom door creaked open and light spilled across the floor. ‘Nath, darling, you still awake?’ ‘Yeah, Mum.’ She tiptoed across to my mattress, picking her way between toys, and knelt on the ground beside me. ‘Narelle says you weren’t feeling too well and decided to come home. You all right?’ ‘Yeah, I am now.’ I tried to make my voice sound a bit weak and trembly. Actually, I didn’t have to try too hard. I’d never lied to my mum before, not about something serious, anyway, and I felt pretty awful. ‘I think it must have been something I ate at school.’ ‘Well, your dad and I are home now, so just call out if you need us, okay?’ ‘I will. Thanks, Mum.’ She bent down and kissed me on the forehead. ‘Actually, you do feel slightly hot. And you smell a bit strange, too.’ ‘Really?’ I kept my voice innocent. ‘I can’t smell anything.’

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‘Sort of fishy. We’ll take you to the doctor in the morning, if you don’t feel any better.’ The doctor! I could feel a miracle recovery coming on. ‘I think I’ll be okay.’ ‘We’ll see. Goodnight, darling.’ She closed the door behind her, leaving me lying in the dark, feeling terrible.

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Chapter Twenty-One Fallout

The following morning I managed to wash the rest of the fish smell off my skin, though I had to get up early and sneak a scrubbing pad of steel wool into the shower to be certain. By the time I came out of the bathroom, I’d been in there for almost as long as Narelle usually takes. ‘Nath, you’re out, mate!’ Dad was walking past the bathroom door on his way downstairs. ‘I thought you must have slipped down the plughole. How’re you feeling this morning?’ ‘Much better. No worries.’ ‘Good. If you’re still feeling okay in a while, I might even run you over to The Shack for the rest of the weekend.’ I brightened up a bit. It might be possible to salvage some of my weekend! ‘That’d be great.’

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‘Just take it easy for the next little while, though.’ ‘Okay, Dad.’ He headed down to the kitchen and I followed. Mum, Narelle and Grandad were already having their first cup of tea for the day, and Grandad was reading the paper. ‘Well,’ Mum said as I entered, ‘you’re looking better.’ ‘Yeah, I feel fine.’ ‘Hmph! Ye don’t look a lot better to me,’ Grandad muttered. ‘I told Nath I might run him across to Jim’s later on.’ ‘Provided he takes it easy.’ ‘Don’t worry, I will.’ ‘That’s all he ever does,’ said Narelle. The front doorbell rang. ‘Would you grab that, Nath?’ said Dad from the bench, where he was pouring himself a bowl of cereal. ‘No problems.’ I just about danced across into the entry hall. This weekend was suddenly shaping up all right! I was off to spend the weekend at The Shack after all, and it looked

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like we were going to get away with our adventure from last night. Grinning, I slid over to the front door and swung it wide. Standing on our front porch were two police officers. ‘Are your parents home, son?’ ‘Uhm, yeah … hang on …. DAD!’ ‘Who is it, Nath?’ Dad wandered out from the kitchen, eating his cereal. ‘Oh! Is there a problem, officers?’ ‘Possibly, sir. Does someone by the name of Fergus McCraigh live here?’ The smaller of the two cops was doing all the talking. ‘Yes, he does.’ ‘Well, I’m afraid we’ll need to speak to the lad.’ ‘Lad?’ ‘Yes, sir. And it might be a good idea if we came inside.’ The smaller cop nodded back across the road to where the Von Livpegs had come out on their front porch to watch. ‘Where it’s a little more private. Would you mind?’ ‘No, not at all. Please come in.’ Dad stood aside, and the two policemen stepped into the hallway. ‘Who is it, Kevin?’ Mum called from the kitchen.

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‘Uhm … It’s the police. They want to speak to Fergus.’ ‘To Dad?’ Mum’s voice was mystified. ‘Whatever for?’ Mum, Grandad and Narelle were in the hall in about two seconds flat. With the two policemen it was getting pretty crowded and I decided that now was probably a good time to slip back upstairs to my room. Then possibly out the window. Then possibly off to Madagascar … ‘What do ye want with me then, laddie?’ ‘Are you Fergus McCraigh?’ ‘Aye.’ A look passed between the two policemen. ‘Are you certain?’ ‘Dinnae be a wee eejit, ye gowk! Of course I am. Do ye think I dinnae know me own name?’ Grandad was turning slightly red. The smaller cop looked hopefully at my mother. I climbed a couple of steps as unobtrusively as possible. I’m pretty sure I remembered where my passport was hidden. All I had to do was get to the cover of the upstairs hallway. ‘Yes, officer, he’s certain.’ ‘Of course. Sorry, ma’am. It’s just that we’ve had reports that a young lad answering to the name of Fergus

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McCraigh has been vandalising bins and we’d like to ask him some questions, but clearly …’ They all worked it out at once. ‘WHAT! WHY, THAT SIMPERING WEE EEJIT BAIRN! LADDIE, COME HERE!’ ‘NATHAN, STOP RIGHT THERE!’ Mum and Grandad both shouted at the same time. I froze. Everyone in the entry hall was staring at me. ‘Do you know anything about this?’ Mum demanded. ‘YE SLIPPERY WEE SCUPPER-HEADED MIDDEN OF A BAIRN!’ Grandad was yelling at the top of his voice. ‘I KNEW YE WERE TRYIN’ TAE GET ME TO LEAVE, BUT I DINNAE THINK YE’D SLANDER ME GOOD NAME!’ ‘Dad, for goodness sake, calm down!’ ‘I WILL NAE CALM DOWN, MARY, UNTIL THAT LYING SCOUNDREL GETS TAKEN OFF AN’ PUT IN A HOME WHERE LYIN’ FIBBIN’ SPAWN O’ THE DEVIL BELONG!’ Even from where I was standing on the steps, I could see a vein throbbing in Grandad’s neck. ‘ACH! IN ALL MY LONG YEARS, I’VE NE’ER BEEN EVEN A SLITHER IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW,

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AND YOUR SON GOES AND DRAGS THE PROUD NAME O’ McCRAIGH DOON INTO THE GUTTER WITH HIM!’ ‘Do you know anything about graffiti being done on the neighbourhood bins, son?’ the cop asked me. ‘No. I mean, yes, I mean … I know someone’s doing it, but it isn’t me.’ I tried to find some way to explain. ‘You see, Gnarly and I were —’ ‘O’ COURSE IT’S YE, YOU STINKING FLUBBERGUTS! TAKE HIM AWAY, OFFICER! LOCK ’IM UP AN’ THROW AWAY THE KEY, AYE?’ ‘Please try and calm down, sir. I’m sure we can get to the bottom of this. Would you mind coming back downstairs, please, son, so we can talk properly.’ ‘WHAT’S THERE TO TALK ABOUT, YE BLETHERING BLISTER! JUST CLAP SOME CUFFS ON THE LITTLE BLIGHTER AND TAKE HIM DOWN!’ Grandad was so red now that you could have stood him on the end of a jetty to guide ships into harbour. ‘DAD! Calm DOWN!’ Mum snapped at him. ‘DON’ TELL ME TO …’ Grandad didn’t finish. He gasped a huge lungful of air, turned deep purple and folded up on the entry-hall floor as though his skeleton

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had just turned to wet noodles. It happened so fast that nobody even had time to grab him as he fell. ‘DAD!’ Mum screamed. ‘Bugger!’ the small cop exclaimed. ‘Andy … ambulance!’ The big cop turned aside and started speaking into the radio mike attached to the epaulette of his shirt. The other knelt beside Grandad. ‘Stand back please, ma’am.’ ‘Is he breathing?’ asked Andy. ‘No. He’s in fibrillation.’ ‘Negative. No breathing.’ Andy spoke again into his radio, which crackled a reply. ‘Five minutes,’ he told the smaller cop, then also knelt and started helping his partner do CPR on Grandad. It was so strange. Standing on the steps watching the whole scene was like looking at a picture from a long way off. It just didn’t feel real. Dad was holding Mum, Narelle had backed into the kitchen doorway and was standing with a shocked expression, the two cops were working on Grandad Fergus and muttering short, quick commands to each other. And Grandad was lying in the middle of the entry hall, his tartan dressing-gown open across his chest, which the

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larger cop was pounding. All of a sudden he looked tiny and old. ‘What’s going on?’ Nadine had come down the stairs behind me. I was so fixed on what was happening below that I hadn’t noticed her. ‘Nadine, go back to our room.’ I tried to shove her back up the stairs, but she’d already spotted Grandad. ‘What happened to Grandad?’ ‘I dunno. Now go back up.’ ‘Mum,’ she wailed, but it was Dad who tore his eyes away from the scene in the hallway and looked up. ‘Nathan, take Nadine back upstairs and both of you keep out of the way until I come and get you.’ I didn’t need to be told twice. I grabbed Nadine’s hand and shot up to our room like a bullet. ‘Is Grandad going to be all right?’ she asked as soon as the door was closed. All I could do was shrug. ‘I don’t know.’ It had gone very quiet downstairs. There was a noise out the front of the house, and Nadine and I ran over to the window. We caught a glimpse of white as an ambulance pulled up. A few minutes later it roared off again, siren

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wailing into the distance as Nadine and I sat on her bed, surrounded by grinning stuffed animals.

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Chapter Twenty-Two Bedside manners

There’s something different about the air in hospitals. I don’t know what it is, exactly, but it tastes strange. Sort of metallic. Mum went in the ambulance with Grandad, and by the time Dad had finished talking to the police, then gotten Narelle, Nadine and myself into the car and over to the hospital, a couple of hours had passed. ‘McCraigh,’ Dad told the nurse sitting at the front counter. ‘Ward 6E,’ she replied, without looking up from her computer screen. ‘Go along that corridor, take the third passage on your left, go all the way to the end, then take the second right and get the blue lift to the sixth floor, turn right out of the lift, go through three sets of double doors, then turn left and the nurses on the ward will give you directions how to get to the room. Okay?’ ‘No problems,’ Dad replied. Forty-five minutes later, after a nice orderly found us wandering, completely lost, on the wrong floor, and in an area marked Staff Only, we finally arrived at ward 6E. 179

Dad approached the nurse on duty at the nursing station, a young bloke with red hair. ‘We’re here to see Fergus McCraigh.’ ‘He’s in room 12, just down that corridor, but he’s still asleep and there are people with him already.’ ‘That’ll be my wife.’ ‘Right. It might be a good idea if the kids stayed outside for the moment, though, because the rooms are pretty small. There’s a waiting room with a TV just down the hallway.’ The nurse pointed. ‘Narelle, can you take the other two and hang out there?’ ‘Yeah, okay. How is Grandad, though?’ she asked the nurse. ‘All right. The ambulance guys had him stabilised by the time they got here. He’ll be okay, now. Just has to take it easy for a few days.’ Dad headed towards Grandad’s room and we followed Narelle in the other direction. The waiting room should have been called a waiting cupboard. It was a long room, painted a sort of vomitygreen colour and so narrow you could almost touch both sides at the same time. About fifteen plastic chairs were arranged around the walls, and a television set was bolted to the ceiling. On it was some show about golf.

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‘Do you think we can change the channel?’ I started to drag a chair over to the set, but Narelle snapped at me. ‘Just sit down and try to stay out of trouble for once.’ She flopped down in one of the chairs and flicked through an old Women’s Weekly magazine that somebody had left there. ‘What’s up with you?’ She slammed the magazine onto the chair beside her. ‘I can’t believe you, Nathan. Don’t you ever stop and think before you do something stupid?’ ‘What?’ ‘None of this would have happened if you and Gnarly had just minded your own business in the first place, and left Grandad alone.’ I couldn’t believe she was blaming me for this. ‘Why is this all my fault?’ ‘Using Grandad’s name like that. He’s an old man. You should have thought about what might happen.’ ‘I didn’t know that guy was going to call the police.’ ‘You could have guessed.’

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‘Anyway, it’s not like you never do anything stupid. What about that trip to the pub?’ ‘That was different.’ ‘How?’ ‘Because at least I thought about it first, and even though I knew it was wrong I decided to take the risk. Not because somebody else told me to do it, but because I decided for myself. And when I got caught, I thought about it again and realised how stupid I’d been. But you … you never even think for a second. You just go along with whatever Gnarly suggests, and then when you get busted you say the first thing that comes into your head, and now because of you Grandad Fergus is in this horrible place, and you still won’t admit it’s your fault!’ I thought this was a bit steep. ‘I —’ ‘Just shut up, Nathan. I don’t want to hear anything you’ve got to say.’ ‘But it was Gnarly who —’ ‘That’s my point. You never think for yourself. Ever. You just do whatever other people tell you and it’s going to get you in trouble – more trouble – one of these days. And in the meantime it’s other people like Grandad who pay the price. You’re just so … stupid sometimes.’

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She picked up the magazine again, but I could tell she wasn’t reading it. Her eyes were glistening. I flopped into a chair on the other side of the room and stared glumly at the television. ‘… and, of course, when playing the back nine holes here at St Andrews, strategy becomes a vital consideration …’ I wasn’t really listening. I couldn’t believe it. Narelle, of all people, was blaming me for this. Like I’d planned the whole thing. I mean, okay, so I hadn’t really done much to talk Gnarly out of the idea, and I probably shouldn’t have used Grandad’s name to the madman in the alleyway, but I hadn’t had time to think about it, and anyway … ‘Hello, kids.’ We all looked up. Grandad’s girlfriend, Flora, was standing in the doorway. ‘Do ye mind if I join you for a while? Your father said the three of you were in here and I thought I should introduce myself. Fergus’s room is too tiny for more than a couple of people, anyway.’ She came in, sat on one of the plastic chairs, and looked around. ‘Och. I hate these places. They always smell of sickness, don’t you think?’

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None of us answered. We all just stared. Her white hair was brushed back and around her eyes and mouth were the sort of wrinkles that people get when they laugh and smile a lot. ‘I’m Flora, and you must be Nathan and Nadine.’ ‘Hi,’ I muttered. ‘How do you know our names?’ asked Nadine, and I remembered she had no idea who this lady was. ‘This lady is —’ Narelle started to explain, but Flora interrupted before she could finish. ‘Your Grandad Fergus is a very good friend of mine and he talks about the three of you all the time.’ ‘Really?’ I asked. Perhaps Grandad liked us better than he let on. Perhaps there was a soft heart under that rough exterior. Perhaps he wasn’t such a terrible old man after all. ‘All the time.’ Flora nodded. ‘Mostly he tells me what awful nuisances the three of you are, but then you can’t really take anything Fergus says too seriously. He’s a terrible joker.’ Perhaps not. ‘How is he?’ Narelle asked.

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‘Fragile. He’s got more tubes sticking out of him than an underground railway system, and he won’t wake up for a few hours. The doctor is confident that he’ll be all right, though. Those policemen did excellent first aid on him. ’Twas lucky they were there, really.’ ‘Of course, if Nathan hadn’t given Grandad’s name to the police …’ Narelle started. ‘… it would have happened, anyway.’ Flora finished the sentence. ‘Possibly not today or even for a few months, but according to the doctors Fergus’s heart isn’t in the best condition. Too much smoking and fried Haggis. And this isn’t his first heart attack, either, so really it was only a matter of time.’ Everyone went quiet then. The only sound was the television … ‘a bogey at this stage of the match would be disastrous’ it said. No joke! ‘How do you know Grandad?’ Narelle asked. ‘We met over the Internet.’ ‘What?’ I must have looked completely shocked. Flora laughed, a silvery little chuckle. ‘Aye, Nathan. Just because we’re not young things like you doesn’t mean we don’t know a thing or two about computers. Fergus and I met at Scots.com and it was love at first chat.’ ‘Scots.com?’

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‘Aye. It’s a forum for people from Scotland, especially those who now live overseas. I’m Scottish, too, just like your grandfather. I’ve been living out here for a long time, now, so my accent isn’t nearly as strong, but I grew up in Scotland and moved here to Australia with my husband.’ ‘What happened to him?’ ‘He died about ten years ago.’ ‘Oh.’ Narelle looked awkwardly at me, neither of us sure how to reply. ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘Don’t be. Martin and I had a lot of wonderful years together.’ ‘Are you going to marry Grandad Fergus?’ Nadine asked. Narelle and I both glared at her, but Flora laughed again. ‘Goodness, no. Fergus is lovely, but I think we’re both a bit beyond the whole marrying thing. I’m hoping he’ll stay around a little longer, though. Computers are useful, but they’re so impersonal, really. Not at all as good as talking to a real person.’ She paused, and looked thoughtful. ‘There are some advantages to them, of course.’ ‘Like what?’ ‘Your grandfather is so much easier to understand when he’s typing his words onto a screen. Honestly, sometimes when he’s speaking I can barely make out a word he’s saying.’

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From the twinkle in her eye I could tell she was joking. At least, I think she was. ‘In any case,’ Flora continued, ‘you three won’t have to worry about Fergus taking up your space for much longer.’ ‘Why not? Is he going home?’ The nagging guilty feeling, which I’d been trying to ignore ever since the teeth incident, hit me like a sledgehammer. ‘No, nothing like that. But I’m hoping that this little event will finally convince him that he’d be better off staying with me.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Of course. I’d like the company, and it can’t be much fun for any of you, having a mad old Scot like Fergus tramping around your house.’ ‘It’s not too bad.’ Even as the words came out of my mouth, I couldn’t believe I was saying them. ‘Nathan, you’re sweet. But you don’t have to pretend. Fergus has told me all about it. Nice work with the showers, by the way, although he was fairly upset about his kilts.’ ‘Yeah. We’re sorry about that,’ Narelle said. ‘Well, just make sure you tell him.’

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‘We will.’ For a few seconds longer we sat in silence. Then Dad walked in. ‘How is everyone?’ ‘Fine.’ Flora smiled. ‘We’re all getting along just fine.’ ‘Do you kids want to see your grandfather? He’s still asleep, but I’m sure the nurse won’t mind if you pop your heads in through the door.’ We left Flora in the waiting room leafing through the Women’s Weekly and followed Dad back past the nurse’s station and into the room. Grandad was lying in the bed with all sorts of tubes pumping stuff into and out of him. On a trolley beside the bed was one of those machines you see on TV, beeping quietly along to his heartbeat. Mum was sitting in a high-backed nursing chair beside the bed. ‘Hey, guys,’ she whispered. ‘He’s okay?’ I asked. ‘No, he’s not. But he will be. In a while at least. He’s going to have to change a few things about himself, though.’ ‘Like what?’ ‘His smoking and his diet. But I suspect that Flora has a few plans for those.’

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‘Poor Grandad,’ Narelle said. ‘What’ll he do without his tobacco?’ ‘I don’t know.’ Mum shook her head. ‘I imagine he’ll probably get grumpy and hard to live with.’ She gave us a sort of half-smile, so that we’d know she was joking, but there wasn’t a lot of cheerfulness behind it. ‘Mum …’ Even when we’d been talking with Flora, all that stuff that Narelle had said had been playing on my mind. ‘I’m really sorry about, you know … everything.’ ‘I know you are, Nathan. But we’ll talk about it later, okay?’ ‘Yeah.’ I stared at the bed. In the middle of all those tubes and machinery, asleep and without his glasses on, Grandad Fergus didn’t look like a fierce old pain in the bum any more. He just looked like an old man. ‘I should get the kids home, Mary. Do you want me to bring anything back later?’ ‘Something to read. My book is on my bedside table.’ ‘I’ll grab it. Come on, guys.’ As we left the room, I threw another glance over my shoulder. Mum was holding Grandad’s hand, the heart monitoring machine still beeping away behind her. ‘Come on, Nath.’ Dad squeezed my arm, and I followed him.

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It took us only half an hour to find our way out of the hospital.

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Chapter Twenty-Three Surprises …

‘That’s the last of it, dude.’ Gnarly dumped the final load of my clothing down onto my bedroom floor, then flopped on my bed. ‘You are now officially back in your own space.’ ‘Cool.’ I looked around. Sure, there was a bare spot on the wall where my Machines of Blood and Glory poster had hung, and even though I’d had the window open for the last twenty-four hours the room still smelled like dog-tobacco, but it was good to be back. ‘How’s your grandfather?’ ‘Better. He’s being released today.’ ‘And he’s moving in with his girlfriend?’ ‘Yeah. Flora’s got a room all ready for him.’

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‘Wow! These oldies, they don’t mess around, do they? Does she know about his smoking?’ ‘I don’t think she’ll be letting him smoke any more.’ ‘Can she stop him playing the bagpipes, though?’ ‘I doubt it. Anyway, she says she likes them.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Apparently.’ Gnarls shook his head. ‘Nath, mate, if I ever get so old that I start liking bagpipe music, I want you to kill me, okay? Just wait until we’re out surfing or something and hold me under.’ I laughed. ‘Deal.’ ‘You guys ready?’ Narelle was standing at the door. ‘I guess. Are you sure you want to do this, Gnarls?’ ‘Come on, dude. You only live once.’ ‘Yeah, that’s my point. I’d like to make it last.’ ‘Cut it out and hurry up, both of you.’ Narelle tossed her head impatiently. ‘If we don’t go now, we won’t get another chance for ages. And don’t forget the present.’ ‘Don’t worry. I’ve already put it in the car.’

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We followed her downstairs and outside, where she climbed into the driver’s seat of the car then fumbled around in the glove box, fishing for her red-and-white ‘P’ plates. ‘You want the front seat?’ I asked Gnarly. ‘Nah, dude. You have it. I read somewhere that in ninety percent of crashes it’s the front passenger who gets killed.’ ‘Gee, thanks.’ I climbed in. Narelle was adjusting the mirrors. ‘All set?’ ‘As we’ll ever be.’ Actually, she did pretty well. She only stalled twice, and the dent in the side of the car where she hit Mrs Finke’s letterbox was barely noticeable after Gnarly rubbed at it with his T-shirt for a bit. ‘See,’ she said, as we climbed out at Flora’s place, ‘I told you I was a good driver.’ ‘It’s a pity you missed Lady Tabatha, though,’ I said. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll get her next time.’ Mum, Dad, Nadine, Flora and Grandad were sitting in the front room when we got inside. Narelle led us in, clutching the parcel, wrapped in brown paper, under one arm.

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‘Hey, guys. How was the ride?’ ‘Good. No problems,’ Narelle answered, before either of us could say a word. ‘Er, yeah. Fine.’ ‘Ach! I cannae believe you’re letting the wee lassie drive around on her own.’ ‘We know, Dad. You’ve told us about a hundred times.’ ‘Still, ’tis a cryin’ shame. She’ll be back down at the pub with her friends afore ye know it.’ ‘Not in our car, she won’t.’ Grandad Fergus rolled his eyes. ‘What’s that you’ve got there, Narelle?’ Flora nodded at the package and winked at the three of us. ‘It’s a present. For you, Grandad. It’s kind of a welcomehome gift. Flora helped us track it down. It’s from all four of us. Me, Nath, Nadine and Gnarls.’ Mum threw a worried glance at Dad. Keeping this a secret from them had been the hardest part of the whole scheme. Luckily, though, Flora turned out to be even more devious than Grandad Fergus. It must be something about old people, Gnarls and I decided.

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‘It’s also to apologise,’ I added, ‘for … you know, everything really.’ ‘Aye?’ Grandad Fergus raised an eyebrow. ‘Well, give it here, then. Let’s not wait around.’ Narelle handed him the package, and he hefted it a couple of times. ‘’Tis fair heavy, an’ soft, too.’ ‘So open it, you daft blighter.’ Flora nudged him gently, and he tore the brown paper wrappings. As soon as the contents of the package were revealed, though, he stopped. ‘What … But how did ye …?’ ‘The Internet.’ All four of us were grinning now. ‘With Flora’s help. She’s a whiz with Google.’ Grandad pulled the kilt out. ‘’ Tis even the right tartan. The Clan McCraigh! And in my size, too.’ ‘There’s something else in there, too.’ He fished back into the package. ‘Ach! A sporran!’ ‘Hope you like it.’

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‘Where on earth did you kids get the money for all this?’ Mum looked almost as stunned as Grandad. ‘We put together our savings. Jim loaned us a bit, too. And Flora helped organise the postage and stuff.’ ‘It was their idea, though,’ Flora added. ‘Well, Fergus …’ She gave his arm a squeeze ‘What do you think?’ ‘’Tis bonny, aye. Ye dinnae have to do this, but … thank ye,’ he finally managed. I think it was the first time I’d seen Grandad Fergus lost for words. In the car, with Dad thankfully driving, Mum twisted around to where the four of us were crammed into the back seat, Narelle holding Nadine on her lap. ‘That was a lovely thing you kids did.’ She looked happier than I’d seen her in weeks. ‘Thanks.’ ‘No problem, Mum.’ We were all grinning back. ‘We had to do something to apologise,’ Narelle said. ‘Especially if he’s going to be living here in Australia.’ Gnarly nodded. ‘And we all felt, you know, kind of uncool about all the stuff we’d done. Like for wrecking his teeth.’ ‘And besides,’ I added, ‘he’s family. And family matters, eh?’ Dad grinned into the rear-vision mirror all the way home.

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First published 2006 by University of Queensland Press PO Box 6042, St Lucia, Queensland 4067 Australia www.uqp.com.au © Anthony Eaton

This book is copyright. Except for private study, research, criticism or reviews, as permitted under the Copyright Act, no part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any foram or by any means without prior written permission. Enquiries should be made to the publisher. Typeset by Peripheral Vision

Cataloguing in Publication Data National Library of Australia Eaton, Anthony Nathan Nuttboard – Family Matters For middle-upper primary students I. Title. A823.4

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ISBN 978 0 7022 3547 4 (pbk) ISBN 978 0 7022 4184 0 (pdf) ISBN 978 0 7022 4185 7 (epub) ISBN 978 0 7022 4186 4 (kindle)

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