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MY LIFE BETWEEN TAPAN and AMERICA

EDWIN 0. REISCHAUER author of

THE JAPANESE

>*2E-50

MY LIFE BETWEEN and AMERICA JAPAN J BY

EDWIN O.REISCHAUER missionaries, Edwin

American Tokyo Born has had an extraordinary Reischauer in

to

life,

divided

between two countries with profoundly different cultures.

He

is

one of the outstanding American scholars

on Japan, and returned 1960s

to serve as

country of birth

to his

in the

American Ambassador.

Growing up as an American

Japan more than

in

sixty

years ago, he ate sushi and tofu before they had even

been heard of

America, played baseball and tennis,

in

witnessed the great earthquake, and learned Japanese

from the family maids. From

fairy tales tion,

he clearly saw the ignorance

his

unique posi-

that distorted Japan's

and America's vision of the other and decided early devote his

life to

to

developing understanding and respect

between the two. As professor Yenching

at

Institute,

Harvard and director of the Harvard he helped lead the way

in

introducing

East Asian Studies to American schools until, in 1961,

President Kennedy snatched him from academia and sent

him back

to

Tokyo

to serve as

Ambassador. Neither

experienced diplomat nor politician, Reischauer was an

unusual choice, but he brought with him his lifelong

experience with Japan and America, and helped strengthen the alliance that In all he has

done during

career, Reischauer has

between

his

now

his long

reached for the

two countries, and

and

illustrious

common ground

in this frequently inti-

mate autobiography he has produced a uniquely portrait of a

life

to

exists.

vivid

drawn from two sources— the Japan

that

helped form him and the America he always belonged to.

He

erned,

paints fascinating pictures of

how

how Japan

is

gov-

the industrial revolution developed,

and

H.ONTIMK.DONBACkFUP)

Dflflb

BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY

MY

LIFE

BETWEEN JAPAN AND AMERICA

Other Books by Edwin O. Reischauer:

The

Japanese, 1977

Toward the

21st Century: Education for a

Changing World, 1973

East Asia: Tradition and Transformation, with

J.

K. Fairbank

and A. M. Craig,

1973 Japan, the Story of a Nation, 1970 (rev. ed., 1981)

Beyond Vietnam: The United East Asia:

The Modern

States

and

Asia, 1967

Transformation, with

J.

K. Fairbank

and A. M. Craig,

1965 East Asia:

The Great

Ennin's Travels

Ennin's Diary;

in

Tradition, with

The Record

Wanted: An Asian

J.

K. Fairbank, 1960

T'ang China, 1955 of a Pilgrimage to

China

in

Search of the Law, 1955

Policy, 1955

Translations from Early Japanese Literature, with Joseph Yamagiwa, 1951

The United

States

and Japan, 1950

Japan Past and Present, 1946

(rev. eds.,

(rev. ed.,

1963)

1957, 1965)

Edwin O. Reischauer,

1981.



John

Goodman

1981)

MY

BETWEEN JAPAN AND AMERICA LIFE

EDWIN

A

Q RDSCHAUER

Cornelia &• Michael Bessie

Book

HARPER & ROW, PUBLISHERS, New

York

Cambridge, Philadelphia, San Francisco, London

Mexico

City,

Sao Paulo, Singapore, Sydney

^BRIGHTON

j



^

$

V

my

life

between japan and America. Copyright

reserved. Printed in the in

United States of America.

©

No

1986 by Edwin O. Reischauer. All rights

part of this

any manner whatsoever without written permission except

and reviews. For information address Harper

in critical articles

New

Street,

York, N.Y. 10022. Published simultaneously

book may be used or reproduced

the case of brief quotations embodied

in

& Row,

in

Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd

Canada by Fitzhenry

&

Whiteside

Limited, Toronto.

FIRST EDITION Designer: Sidney Feinberg

This book

is

set in 10-point

Avanta by The Haddon Craftsmen,

Pennsylvania, and printed and

bound by

Inc.,

ComCom

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Reischauer,

My "A

life

Edwin O. (Edwin

Oldfather), 1910-

between Japan and America.

Cornelia and Michael Bessie book."

Includes index. 1.

Reischauer,

Edwin O. (Edwin

Oldfather), 1910-

— United — Biography. United Ambassadors — Japan — Biography. Foreign Japan — Foreign — 2.

Ambassadors

States

4.

3.

Japan.

relations

United

States.

E840.8.R45A37

I.

327.2'092'4

ISBN 0-06-039054-9 86 87 88 89 90

States

relations

5.

Title.

1986

RRD

10 9 8 7 6

5

4

Division, Allentown,

R. R. Donnelley, Harrisonburg, Virginia.

3

2

[B]

85-45652

Contents

Acknowledgments



PREFACE: A

«•§

PART ONE

GROWING

««$

Twig

Is

x

Bent

xi

UP IN JAPAN: 1910-1927

1.

On

2.

A

3.

American Roots:

4.

Early School Days 20

5.

High School 26

PART

Being a

Small Boy

3

B.I.J.

in

Japan 7

A

Missionary Heritage 12

TWO

STUDYING AROUND THE WORLD: 6.

College Years at Oberlin 33

7.

Graduate Study

8.

A

9.

Living in Europe 50

Student

10.

Tokyo 54

11.

Kyoto 59

12.

Korea 67

13.

China 70

at

in Paris

Harvard 37

44

1927-1938

Vlll

«•$

e\ng a B.1J. i n

my

youth, American children born in Japan, especially those of

We were very proud of the distinction We tended to know a great deal more about living in Japan than they did and to speak better Japanese. We were missionary parentage, were called

and as

felt

much

my

B.I.J.'s.

superior to our less fortunate comrades.

at

home

with chopsticks as with forks, and rice became the staple of

diet in place of potatoes

and they

in turn to

my

and bread



a trait

Our

grandchildren.

elders envied us our

pronunciation of Japanese and attributed to us a sort of mystique

comprehension of the

my

have passed on to

I

—an inherent

subtleties of the Orient.

Even Japanese, then

now, seem to

as well as

feel that

being born

confers a sort of key to understanding the country. During the 1930s, police were

becoming

increasingly suspicious of

all

Japan served as a form of passport.

me on my

identity,

what

I

A

in

Japan

when

the

foreigners as potential spies

and one was constantly subjected to police interrogation while in

children

more accurate

traveling,

my birth

policeman, after dutifully questioning

was doing, and where

I

was going,

already recorded in his notebook, would then frequently ask

which was

of

all

me about my attitude

toward the Japanese government or the current aggression Japan was engaged

on the continent. These were embarrassing questions, since for Japanese imperialism,

but

I

found that

simply starting out with, "Well, you know,

I

I

There was, of course, something to discover Japan, It

was rather

remember

trips to

America

in

at the age of five looking

San Francisco and being astounded dores and black ers in

men mixed among

Japan

in

my

.

.

."

it

Invariably

understanding of the

less sensitive matters.

to this mystique of being a B.I.J.

and nothing about

in

had no sympathy

could always evade an answer by

was born

the policeman would accept this as ample evidence of

Japanese point of view and would pass on to

I

I

never had

has ever seemed strange or exotic to me.

my

youth that produced such

down

feelings.

I

from the deck of our ship docking in

at the sight of

white

men working

as steve-

them. At that time almost the only Western-

Japan were missionaries, teachers, diplomats, businessmen, and occasional

tourists.

I

had never seen

a

white

man

doing manual labor, unless one counts the

GROWING UP

4

occasional forlorn Russian refugee

pack on

cloth from a large sight, since there

much

19IO-1927

IN JAPAN:

who would

his shoulder.

were no blacks

at

all

A

trudge the streets of Tokyo selling

black

Japan

in

the great diversity of our country that

in

man was an even more exotic those days. Even now find

in

is

I

surprising or even exotic.

cannot say the same about tremendously homogeneous Japan.

thanked

my

lucky stars that

my

I

I

have often

metier has been to try to understand and explain

Japan, not the vastly more complex and mystifying society of America.

Things

The

as they existed in

Japan seemed to

me what

was natural and normal.

four regular seasons, the lush fields, the pervasive greenness, the ever present

mountains, and the often spectacularly beautiful seacoast were for graphic norm. All Japanese

behind

it

as

on the

me

the geo-

the Chinese and Korean art that

My

has always appealed to me.

it,

actually designed

this

art, as well as

present

basis of a neighbor's house,

home

in

Massachusetts

the result of Japanese artistic canons

I

I

but Japanese often describe

being an adaptation of contemporary Japanese domestic architecture. is

lie

If so,

have unconsciously absorbed since

youth, not because of any conscious imitation.

The

sights, the sounds,

environment from as the

watchmen

birth.

and the smells of Japan were

familiar parts of

At night one heard the clapping of two

for fires passed

through the

my

sticks together

and during the day, the

streets,

Most memorable was the sound of the little curved horn and the cry of "Tofu, Tofu" from the sellers of that nutritious and delectable food, which fortunately has at last made its way to much of America. Then there was the clatter of the wooden clogs, or geta, which are no longer worn in cities. They made a deafening roar when throngs walked on paved areas, and after we returned at the end of the summer from the unpaved paths of our summer home in the mountains or from trips to America, this sound always meant to me, "I am back home in Tokyo." Such sounds are now unfortudistinctive calls

nately only

The

and horns of peddlers of

memories of

food.

a distant, almost

unimaginable

smells of Japan were equally distinctive.

shops or other

little

enticing. Others

am

past.

Some emanating from

noodle

eating establishments or from food-vending pushcarts were

were repulsive, though accepted by

me

as part of

my

natural

wooden buckets in which farmers living within reach of the city would haul by hand or oxcart the human waste of the city to manure their fields. They would ladle the waste from habitat.

I

thinking particularly of the odor of the large

large bowls in the toilets of houses through small outside apertures, creating an

almost unbearable stench, which they then would spread out more permanently over the countryside.

Many

city

houses

so-called night soil

is

still

now

lack flush toilets, but the efficiently

work of collecting

this

done almost without odor by big trucks

equipped with suction tubes. This once familiar smell therefore has disappeared

and

also the

medical problems night

soil

caused.

The application

of

human

waste

On to vegetables transmitted intestinal

Being a

worms from person

undergo an annual deworming, which consisted of taking killed the

dead.

worms and

The worms

mouth

—an

human

left their

in their

to person. a strong

We

had

to

medicine that

hosts temporarily wishing they too were

agony were known to

my

ordeal that

5

B.I.J.

try to

escape through their host's

brother once experienced.

«•$

Westerners born

other Asian countries have had a sense of rapport with

in

their lands of birth similar to that

"China Born,"

we

were called

as they

Japan. This was true of the

B.I.J.'s felt for

in

China,

as well as the

Everyone has read about the young Britishers born under the considered India their

home and had

"Korea Kids."

British Raj,

who

England when traumatically

to discover

sent back there for their schooling.

Being born

however, was very different

one way. Japan was then one of the few independent nations of Asia and the only one that stood on a in Japan,

footing of political equality with the West. In 1894

in

it

had gotten the

British to

agree to end within five years the system of extraterritoriality, whereby Western-

Japan were tried by their

ers living in

own

courts.

This was a major part of the

which had been fastened on Japan shortly after Commodore Matthew C. Perry, with his superior American fleet, had forced the

so-called

unequal

treaties

Japanese in 1854 to open their ports to intercourse with the West. In 1894-95

Japan had defeated China with surprising ease and acquired from colony of Taiwan.

Then

in

it

the island

1904-05 Japan had astounded the world by defeating

the mighty Russian Empire, winning a foothold in South Manchuria in China

and

five years later

absorbing the whole of the ancient kingdom of Korea. Japan

was beginning to approach the highest European standards of the day, which were defined by military power and imperialism. defeat in

first

modern times

earth-shaking consequences.

much

out

In most of Asia the

It stirred

up the

victory over Russia was the a

non-Western one and had

tremors of nationalism through-

first

but not

dominance and superior

in Japan,

which was

status of Occidentals

a country clearly ruled

was taken

by and

for

its

people. Westerners were merely guests living there on Japanese tolerance.

Despite

this,

many Westerners even

in

Japan retained their nineteenth-century

assumptions of Occidental cultural superiority. to

Its

Western nation by

of the rest of Asia.

for granted,

own

of a

make fun

I

can remember their tendency

of Japanese peculiarities, particularly the not always successful efforts

of Japanese to imitate

Western ways. There was much hilarity over Japanese and grammar on the part of people who made

errors in English pronunciation far greater

mistakes themselves in speaking Japanese or arrogantly refused to try

to learn the language at

all.

Amusing

errors in signs in English, such as the sign

GROWING UP

6

JAPAN: 191.O-1927

IN

Have

over a tailor shop which read "Ladies collector's items.

The fundamental

Fits Upstairs/'

attitude that

I

were highly prized

encountered

in

my own home,

however, was one of deep respect for the Japanese and complete acceptance of the fact that

Not

we were

Japan on Japanese terms.

living in

from our home was an old feudal mansion with

far

unfortunately destroyed in the great earthquake of 1923. In

a massive gate,

my

Crown

Prince, the present Emperor, resided there, before being

official

Crown

childhood the

moved

Prince's Palace, the small imitation of Versailles that

is

to the

now

a

One day when I was riding my bicycle past the front of this on my way to see a friend, a policeman yanked me off my bike

national guest house.

old feudal gate

by

my

because the

sailor collar,

Crown

Prince was about to

come

out. In

most

would have been unthinkable. But to

of Asia at that time such an incident

me

the event was entirely natural. In America the great people were Americans, and

people lived by American custom. In Japan the great people were Japanese, and

we

lived

by Japanese custom. That was the way

it

was and the way

ought to

it

be.

Like any boy, I

lived in. In a

my home town and

grew up proud of

I

way

I

even shared

in

proud of the country

the Japanese sense of nationalism.

I

was

still

too young to be aware of the humiliating brush-off Japan received from President

Wilson, backed by the

be included

British,

when

requested that a clause on racial equality

it

World War I. Racial Canada and refusal. The first politi-

the Versailles Peace Treaty at the end of

in

prejudice against Orientals on the west coast of America and in Australia accounted for the callous cal issue of

which

I

American and

British

was keenly aware was the infamous exclusion act passed by

the American Congress in 1924.

The

Japanese

felt

insulted to have a "Gentle-

man's Agreement," whereby Tokyo had voluntarily prevented Japanese workers

from emigrating to the United

States,

changed into an absolute exclusion of

Japanese immigrants on racial grounds. At the age of thirteen over this act as

My

sympathy

for

The empires

of the

and

looked

down on

the "natives."

I

found

it

game

the

to

me

living in other parts of Asia

infuriating that they regarded the

Japanese as being uppity for trying to run things their I

as indignant

Western powers seemed

was incensed by the way Westerners

unjust,

country, and

was

Japanese nationalism spilled unconsciously over into a

general Asian nationalism. I

I

any Japanese nationalist could have been.

own way

in their

own

resented their denouncing of the Japanese for wishing to join in

of imperialism,

which the Europeans seemed

to think

was their own

special prerogative.

Being born

in

Japan freed

me

from the

start

Japanese and other Asians then almost universal

how

indignant

thirteen

all

I

was when on

a trip

from the

racial prejudice against

among Westerners.

back to the United States

I

remember

at the

age of

the steerage passengers on the ship were lined up on deck in San

On

who

Francisco and those

ethnic Chinese posing as Filipinos.

found

me

custom gave

irritated to see

me

ER, standing

to

When

I

lived in

in a place

China

where

for Elizabeth Regina,

When my

marry

first

the late 1930s,

I

and

Hong Kong,

was

on the

wife died in the 1950s,

in

extraterritoriality

a special status of superiority. Later, in

Chinese policemen. natural to

on the suspicion that they might be

officers

uncomfortable to be

distinctly

it

1

B.I.J.

looked Chinese were unceremoniously yanked out of

by the American immigration

line

Being a

it

I

belt buckles of the

seemed completely

Japanese woman, Haru Matsukata. She happened to

a

have, like me, a mixed Japanese-American cultural background, and for both of us

it

has always taken a conscious effort to realize that

when our

marriage. After our marriage,

we had an

interracial

family visited pre-independence Sin-

gapore, a friend took us to a big old club of local fame as a sight worth seeing; but, as

we drove up

Oriental,

to the entrance,

would not be allowed to

been so absurd.

It

was

all

he suddenly realized that Haru,

enter.

I

would have been furious had

as it

an not

too reminiscent of the fabled signs in a Shanghai park

that once denied entry to Chinese and dogs.

Whether

or not there

any truth

is

Japanese birth did inculcate

among Westerners

me

in

my

dislike for

career.

I

in

have

said,

I

was free from

Western imperialism, and had Such attitudes are

nationalism.

the mystique about being a B.I. J.,

certain attitudes that were very

a

racial prejudice,

from

birth. In a sense,

was

had

a strong

corresponding enthusiasm for Asian

common enough

today, but other Westerners

have come to them only slowly and through painful experiences. I

my

uncommon

time but which were to prove of immense value to

at that

As

me

in

a generation or

two ahead of

I

my

imbibed them time



a useful

headstart in facing the problems of our rapidly changing world.

2

A Small Boy I

was born

million other babies,

The

year 1910

is

in

in

Tokyo on October

my birth

counted

Japan

in

15, 1910.

Together with several

was heralded by the appearance of Halley's comet. Japan as the forty-third year of Meiji, the

first

modern Emperor.

My parents had arrived in Japan as missionaries in

1905, just after the signing

GROWING UP

8

in

New

Portsmouth,

War. Not

realizing

191O-1927

IN JAPAN:

Hampshire, of the treaty concluding the Russo-Japanese

how

had come, the Japanese

close to financial collapse Japan

people were highly indignant when, despite Japan's victory, the treaty brought

them no cash indemnity from Russia. Defeat, they felt, had been snatched from the jaws of victory. They blamed this in part on President Theodore Roosevelt, who,

an act of friendship for Japan, had engineered the

in

For the

treaty.

moment, the United States was almost as unpopular with the public as was their own government. But not then nor even during the nervous buildup to World

War

was there ever the

II

My

Gakuin, one of Japan's

Ward

Shiba

Americans

slightest personal threat to

parents took up residence in a missionary house on the

in

first

Tokyo but

modern

is

now

campus

of Meiji

what was then

private schools for boys, in

part of

in Japan.

Minato Ward. Founded

in

1863, the

school had been developed jointly by two American missionary societies, those

my

Northern Presbyterian Church, to which

of the

parents belonged, and the

comparably Calvinist Dutch Reformed Church.

The

campus had

five

missionary residences, three of

together in a corner of the grounds.

The

central one, in

Meiji Gakuin

sunny but

flimsy,

and might be characterized architecturally

foreign. All three, like

winter, having

which

them

was born, was

I

as typical Meiji-

Japanese residences of the time, were freezing cold

all

no central heating systems.

We

fought

off the chill as best

could with heavy long underwear, sweaters, and coal-burning stoves and places.

Unlike the Japanese,

we

lived in the

still

bath

we had

coal burner fitted into

The

used daily hot baths to

it.

The

pull the plug

fire

rounded by trees,

in places

for that

weekly a char-

letting

to

be

a

home

and the entire campus was covered with were

hundred students

was the second child

to

me

in

for

each remaining

our family.

had the manly name of Robert the somewhat

sissy

name

to Eddie and then to Ed. As

for a

young boy.

grass

and ringed

Time has played now called. There

a

of

it

is

changed that

so

my memory of how

My

Karl,

is

as

tree. Factory-style, high-rise

brother, three

but

I

Edwin, from which

middle name

I

and

it

I

prefer not

once looked.

a half years

my

received what always seemed I

was given

surname of Oldfather, which, distinguished though burden

inviting

virtual forests to small children.

to visit the school but to retain the picture in

senior,

and thus

of the Japanese president were sur-

buildings have replaced the quaint old halls. All

I

out,

my childhood. The foreign

a beautiful place in

havoc with the campus of Meiji Gakuin University,

seem

it

whole house.

campus was

fine gardens,

which

themselves up,

But

only problem was that untutored visitors from

residences and the Japanese-style

by

we

fire-

wooden bathtub, heated by

on the bath water,

to ignite the

Meiji Gakuin

warm

of the Saturday night bath.

a glorious, deep, Japanese-style

America might the charcoal

who

American age

in

it

escaped

my

may

in later years

mother's maiden

be, proved a heavy

A The

family was completed in the

my mother As

contracted during her pregnancy

a result, Felicia spent

my

of 1914 by the birth of

sister

a special rapport with her

of the other

members

we

a

I

was the

and probably greater

in

the United States

closest to her in age, skills

of

I

developed

communication than any

of the family.

and important part of the family consisted of the two women The term used for them in those days was jochu, or

integral

servants



German measles connection not known in those

most of her childhood back

attending schools for the deaf; since

An

9

Japan

in

Unfortunately she was born deaf because of a case of

Felicia.

days.

autumn

Small Boy

always had.

"maids," which

in recent years

replaced for the few servants

has been considered demeaning and has been

who remain by

such more acceptable terms as

"helpers" (o-tetsudai).

Whatever the word used, however, the maids were treated in our home with and as equals. They came from Christian backgrounds and were addressed with honorifics in what was even then an outmoded style. Haru ("Spring"), the same name as my wife's, was called O-Haru-san, and Kiku ("Chrysanthemum") was O-Kiku-san. Later came O-Kiyo-san as a replacement for her older sister, respect

O-Kiku-san,

my

who was

getting married.

I

Ambassador, however,

early days as

widowed, and brought her

to the

never knew their family names. During a

newspaper located O-Kiku-san, then

Embassy

for a visit,

made

artificial

by the

presence of the mass media and strangely unreal by forty years of divergent experiences.

O-Kiyo-san was a bright young woman, and

an excess of American egalitarianism

to continue her high school education. Since largely the preserve of the

my

parents, in

what was probably

for those days in Japan, arranged for her

upper and middle

girls'

high schools at the time were

classes,

and

class consciousness

still

ran strong in Japan, the strain of adjusting to the snobbishness of her classmates

proved too great for her, and she had a complete mental breakdown. This story hardly imaginable in the egalitarian society of contemporary Japan.

is

O-Haru-san and O-Kiku-san played doubt, helped shape

my

my

personality

a large role in

and sense of

values.

my early years and, no No English lullaby sticks

remember with perfect clarity the lullaby they would sing me, which began "Nenneko botchan, " or "sleepy little boy." I spent much of my time hanging around them in the kitchen and seem to have begun my verbal life bilingually. As a small child, Japanese came to me as naturally as English, though in

what

mind, but

I

I

spoke might best be called kitchen Japanese.

I

would forget much of

during periodic year-long trips to the United States, and, I

remained an

felt

up

illiterate in

perfectly at a

command

home

of the

and

sufficed for

two kana

syllabaries

it,

I

phonetically syllable by syllable, and

I

it

started school,

Japanese with the vocabulary of a small child. it

in

when

my purposes. Somewhere

I

Still,

I

did pick

by which Japanese can be written

also learned a smattering of

Chinese

GROWING UP

10

IN

JAPAN: 191O-1927

characters, largely from the destination markers I

on

streetcars.

learned a great deal more than language from the maids, however.

The story

Momotaro, the boy born from a peach who set off with his faithful monkey, dog, and pheasant to subjugate the island of demons, was as familiar to me as Little Red Riding Hood. So also were the story of Urashimataro, the Japanese

of

Rip van Winkle, who

visited the Sea King's Palace,

by

gas,

and many more. The dark

rooms of our house, which was

places in the corners of the

were peopled by Japanese, not Western, goblins. All

my

part of

life as

in the early days

lit

this

much

a

brother and

I

was

my

the games of cowboys and Indians, which

as

enacted with the aid of our beloved hobby-horse.

The maids had

a

deep influence on

me

in

ways that are hard to

define.

them my typically Japanese tendency to be more self-conscious about the impression I make on others than judgmental on how they impress me. Most important was the appreciation of the traditional samurai values which I Perhaps

believe

I

I

owe

to

absorbed from O-Haru-san. She was a daughter of a samurai of the Tosa

domain, which played in

a

prominent

role in the Meiji Restoration

and subsequently

the latter part of the nineteenth century provided leaders for the popular

movement demanding democratic reforms. Her family, like most samurai famifailed to make a successful transition from feudalism to the more egalitarian

lies,

system of the Meiji period, and she had been raised without a formal education,

being

like

me

master of only the phonetic kana. She had been forced to go into

domestic service, but she had retained her samurai pride, honesty, strength of will,

and sense of

loyalty.

O-Haru-san was but found

little

flowers with

a person of great natural ability.

She was

opportunity to express her talent except

which she would adorn her

pies.

in

artistically gifted

the beautiful pie crust

She was of course

and

a fine cook,

my

she ran her kitchen with Prussian efficiency. As a quasi-mother, paralleling

own mother

in inner strength

and bravery, she gave

me much

for

which

shall

I

always be grateful.