My Descent Into Death: A Second Chance at Life [1 ed.] 0385513763, 9780385513760

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OREWORD

BY {^^1^1

MY ESCENT INTO

DEATH A Second

Chance at

J^ife

Howard Storm

us. $14.95 Canada $21.00

Not

since Betty Eadie's Embraced

hy the Light has a personal account

a

of

Near-Death Experience (NDE)

been so utterly different from most

others— or nearly

as compelling.

Raymond Moody's

the thirty years since

In

appeared, a famiHar pattern of

Life After Life

NDEs one's

has emerged: suddenly floating over

own body

usually in a hospital setting, then a

sudden hurtling through presence of love. Not so in

a tunnel

Howard

of light toward a

Storm's case.

Storm, an avowed atheist, was awaiting emergency surgery

when he

realized that he

Storm found himself out of

down on

the hospital

his

room scene

than going "toward the

light,"

was

at death's door.

own

body, looking

below. Next, rather

he found himself being

torturously dragged to excruciating realms of darkness and death, where he was physically assaulted by

monstrous beings of evil. His description of his pure terror

and torture

and convincing Finally,

is

unnerving

detail.

drawn away from death and transported

the realm of heaven. Storm as the

in its utter originality

God

met

to

angelic beings as well

of Creation. In this fascinating account.

(continued on back flap)

L

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

vl DOUBLEDAY New

York

London

Toronto

Sydney

Auckland

—

PUBLISHED BY DOUBLEDAY a division of

Random House,

Inc.

DOUBLEDAY and the portrayal of an anchor with a dolphin registered trademarks of Random House, Inc. Copyright

©

are

2005 by Howard Storm

Book design hy Michael Collica Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Storm, Howard.

My

descent into death

:

a

second chance

at life /

Howard Storm.

1st U.S. ed. p.

Rev. ed. of:

My

that 1.

Storm, Howard.

2.

cm.

descent into death and the message of love

brought

me

back.

Near-death experiences

—

Religious aspects

—

—

—United

Church of Christ. 3. United Church of Christ Clergy Biography. I. Storm, Howard. My descent into death and the message of love that brought

me

back.

11.

Title.

BX9886.Z8S76 2005 133.9'0r3092—dc22 [B]

2004058257 ISBN 0-385-51376-3 All Rights Reserved

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

March 2005 First U.S. Edition

First

published in Great Britain by Clairview in 2000

13579

10

8642

CONTENTS

Forev^ord by

1..

Anne

Rice

vii

Paris

1

2.

The Descent

10

3.

Alone

19

4.

The Light

24

5.

Life

Review

6.

The

Past

7.

What Happens When We

Die

49

8.

Why We

Are

60

9.

ReaUty

68

The Argument

77

Waking Up

85

10. I

1

I

I

Lisa

30

and the Future

Are the

Way We

and Clarence

38

96

13

Sent Back

14.

Next

15.

Limbo

117

16.

Telling the Story

125

to

Heaven

101

109

CONTENTS 17

A

18

Angels

135

'^'

Pilgrim

142

Afterword

147

Acknowledgments

149

Second Chance

at Life

130

FOREWORD

tromknew moment he was the

I

glimpsed Howard Storm on television

extraordinary even

I

among

the "Near-

Deathers," those unique individuals who, as the result of

medical catastrophe, have been to the Other Side. Yes, he'd seen the Light they life

review so

all

talk about; yes, he'd experienced the personal

many mention;

and love of a higher being. But there was this

man

death to

A

—

as

if

that hadn't

alter the entire

career as an artist

for the

course of his

driven the

way

it

art

had been

was obvious

to his feet

—he appeared

from that

Fall,

it

for

to

Damascus, and

to

1

1

Howard him was

in

saw him

He

each

—and

be in the process of climbing

struggling to testify to the

implications of what he'd seen.

to

behind

the saints of old were driven.

subsequent television appearance in which

many

to

left

that

what had happened

had been thrown down on the road

there were

more

life.

and teacher of

Christian ministry, and

He was

infinitely

been enough. And he'd returned from

Storm's compulsion to talk about

ongoing.

warmth

yes, he'd experienced the

wanted

to find

momentous

him,

know him.

FOREWORD beg him

more

for

me

privacy kept

When

details.

a

deep inveterate respect

from seeking him

for his

out.

discovered that he could and would write

finally

1

Only

about his experiences,

was desperate

1

for the material.

And my

expectations have been overwhelmingly surpassed. This

you have story

hand

in

his

is

most complete testimony

beyond remarkable. Hell and Heaven

is

The Lord Himself and His Angels

these pages.

book

to date.

The

are realized in

are encountered.

Storm sees the Universe beyond Time. Sure, others have told

way

story. That's the

and

many

in

works. There are witnesses in

it

Storm

different places.

is

a vital

all

this

times

and enduring

wit-

ness for here and for now. With a rare combination of sophisti-

and

cation

Storm

humility,

able to lead us into a place of

is

harrowing darkness and through his delivery from a simple

vealed in

if

not primitive prayer.

all its

splendor, and

we

A

it

by means of

realm of beatific light

are taken with

re-

is

Storm beyond

time and doubt and care to the very secrets of the universe be-

and painful

fore the inevitable

Make no fills

mistake: this man's a mystic. This

a calling. This

is

a

conversation. Storm it.

vives

it.

cation

and

is

a

book

book you devour from cover

pass on to others. This

read

return.

a

is

book you

was meant

to write

will it

that ful-

to cover,

and

quote in your daily

and we were meant

Each Near-Death Experience changes the one who

to

sur-

That one inevitably touches countless others. Storm's vo-

is

that

he

is

fishes given to

thousands. Such

is

meant

him his

to

touch a great multitude; the loaves

will feed

gift,

thousands

and the

if

not hundreds of

gift to us.

—Anne Rice New

Orleans

January 2005

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

PARIS

^

I i*" "^

What could

the City of Light.

aris,

possibly go

the heart of the civilized world? This to last

began with

day of our

art

to

in

be the next

tour of Europe. Saturday morning

Eugene

a visit to

was

wrong

home and

Delacroix's

studio.

The

studio contained Delacroix's palette, his easel, the chair he sat in,

and

his writing desk. Just

my wife

Beverly and

1

went

to his stu-

dio because everyone else in the group wanted to sleep

they were getting pretty tired of being dragged around

and

galleries

Museum

from morning

at nine,

and

of

night.

We

little

Modern

group ready

Art. This

museums

arrived at the Delacroix

we

just before eleven o'clock

our hotel room to get our

Pompidou Center

till

late, as

was

to

to

go

returned to

to the

Georges

be one of the high

points of the tour of Europe.

Back

up

inside me.

A

room

there

was

few times on our

trip

in the hotel

a feeling of 1

nausea rising

had had indigestion and

taken some over-the-counter antacid and aspirin tablets, which

always alleviated the discomfort.

washed them down with some

Now

stale

I

took two aspirin and

Coke from

the evening be-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

and continued talking

fore

one of the students, trying

to

my

nore the growing discomfort in

As I

I

as

felt

was

talking to

though

my

been

I'd

stomach.

student Monica about the day's plan,

There was a searing pain in the

shot.

my stomach. My knees collapsed held my gut and screamed with pain.

middle of

and

floor.

Something

I

ing was happening inside me, and

was surprised body. In there

up

was no way

that

as

I

my

1

was.

it

of

1

my

have entered the room.

I

looked

the closed glass of the balcony

was no broken

expected to see a bullet hole in the window, no

1

wound deep

abdomen.

The pain was drowning me, of agony.

terrify-

glanced about,

ripped hole in the pristine curtain. There was only a inside

to the

opened onto the balcony Morning sun-

was streaming through

where

sank

know what

doors, filtered through the sheer curtains. There glass

I

was no wound on the outside

a bullet could

windows

didn't

I

had been no sound, and

there

fact,

at the

light

that there

to ig-

As

I

like

I

was sinking into

a lava pool

thrashed about on the floor in desperate confusion,

searched feverishly for some explanation of what was happening

to

me. One minute

ing

museum

sumed with wriggled

talking with

pain.

was writhing on the

1

had collapsed

I

Monica about our upcom-

at the foot of the

floor,

con-

bed but had

my way into the narrow space between the wall and the

wedged into I

was

and the next

visit

bed. In terror,

wall,

1

I

struggled into a space where

a fetal position. Constricted

struggled to control

groaning,

1

my

knew 1 was adding

would be

safely

between the bed and the

rising panic.

to

I

By screaming and

my predicament and making it

my wife to understand what was happening to me. screamed for my wife Beverly to get a doctor. She was

impossible for 1

numb

with shock.

composed

herself

I

cursed

enough

at

her

when

she didn't respond. She

to call the hotel

desk and was told that

PARIS

would be summoned immediately. From

a doctor

looked up

the full-length

at

Through

balcony.

windows

in the

the floor

I

French doors

to the

was

flood-

the transparent white curtains, light

ing into the htde hotel room, and outside the sky was a brilliant

cerulean blue.

Somehow

felt

I

reassured by the beauty of the day

Something was very wrong with me, but doctor was on the

fact that a

Light. 1

1

would be okay As

tried to

be

stoic.

1

1

way

pull

me up

waited, the pain kept getting worse.

fought to control the gnawing

could

1

onto the bed.

opened the buttons of probing fingers on against him.

go

He

said

took comfort in the

This was Paris, the City of

He was

In ten minutes the doctor arrived. in his early thirties.

1

resist

my

had

and

slightly built

only feebly as he struggled to

He asked me what had happened shirt to

my abdomen 1

terror.

my

examine

he

stomach. His

aggravated the pain.

a perforation in

as

fought

I

my duodenum.

I

must

to a hospital right away.

"Will

1

need an operation?"

"Yes, immediately,"

and then gave me

he

a small

1

said.

asked.

He phoned

amount

intense agony began to subside.

phine was just enough to get

me

of

morphine by

He

injection.

The

explained that the mor-

to the hospital, but wouldn't in-

with the anesthetic of the surgery that

terfere

an ambulance

for

1

would be having

very soon. It

became possible

to think

more

clearly.

would be most inconvenient. Tomorrow

The hospital

my wife

students on the tour were supposed to drive to the return flight to America. But things

manage.

1

1

with the

Amsterdam

would work

out.

I

for

could

always had.

The two young men who

arrived with the

peared to be very pleasant. They ported

and

stay

me on

lifted

either side, carrying

me

ambulance ap-

from the bed and sup-

my weight on

their shoulders.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

We us

went down the

down

hall

and

to the first floor.

in the Uttle elevator as

evator stopped at the

There was barely enough room

for

us

was propped up between them. The

el-

one

first floor,

winding

there, a long,

I

into a tiny hotel elevator that took

above the

floor

down

staircase led

street.

to street level.

From

The am-

bulance attendants found a straight-back chair from the hotel

room and

dining

straining to keep

carried

me

aloft

as they struggled to carry

me down

the stairs.

and balanced. me.

The men were and

teetered

I

tottered

kept murmuring, "Please don't

I

drop me." They laid

me on a gurney at the sidewalk and then slid

me

a Uttle

into the

because

my

I

back of

was

afraid

great relief,

driver.

with

we were going

to leave

saw Beverly cUmb

moment panicked I

without

was reminded

To

of scenes from

the Paris streets

through heavy midday

distinctive siren clearing a path

1

my wife.

in the front seat beside the

The ambulance careened wildly through

its

traffic.

I

ambulance. For a

World War

11

movies by

the siren's sound, wailing mournfully through the congested streets of Paris.

After an amazing ride traveling at high speed, with the

little

ambulance swaying dangerously around each corner, we arrived at the

emergency room of

a large public hospital in Paris.

immediately met by two young female doctors

1

was

who began

thorough examination. One of the doctors looked

like a

a

young

Jeanne Moreau. The other was thin and pale, with the saddest

The intimacy

eyes.

of the examination they were doing

barrassing. After consulting the X-ray Alms, they told large hole in ulcer,

maybe

ately or

I

my duodenum

a foreign object.

would

was

told

was

the best

1

due

die.

1

asked

if

1

to

unknown

causes,

was em-

me 1 had

a

maybe an

must have an operation immedi-

this

wouldn't survive the

could be done in America and

trip.

and biggest hospital

They assured me

in Paris.

that this

They were completely

PARIS

convincing as to the urgency of the situation and the necessity of the surgery.

They needed

me

to get a tube into

A

about the procedure.

force a large

against the

my

gag reaction. The more

throat, forcing a

filling

my

I

eyes,

saw the thin doctor with the sad compassionate eyes make

swallowing gestures with her hands, and 1

tell

man straddled me and began to tube down my nose. It slammed

gagged, the harder he shoved. Through the tears I

but failed to

big

aquarium-type

back of

my stomach,

could and the tube I

was

still

the terror.

It

morphine had taken the

was manageable now. As

effort to stay in control,

I

forced

lame attempts

I

was

at jokes.

Then

there

part of

my

some weak laughter and made

scared.

I

told

would be okay The doctors talked about or four weeks.

swallowed as hard as

down.

slid

feeling the pain, but the

madness out of

I

would be

a

my

dear Beverly

it

a hospital stay of three

couple of months of recov-

ery at home.

Following the examination in the emergency department,

1

was taken by gurney out of the emergency building and rushed where the surgery would

several blocks to the hospital building

be performed. Every time the wheels banged against an imperfection in the concrete sidewalk, pain shot through

but

I

my stomach,

was comforted by the beauty of the surroundings.

noon, the sun was shining, and

was the

it

the beautiful city of Paris, France.

first

It

was

day of June in

What could

possibly go

wrong?

We

room on

rode by elevator to a double

await the operation.

My roommate was

a

the upper floor to

handsome

elderly gen-

tleman by the name of Monsieur Fleurin. He spoke English and

was

in his late sixties. His wife

been an American

was

who had come

visiting him.

to

Her

father

had

France as a soldier during

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

World War

and

I

Her English was

stayed.

me and

diately tried to reassure

comfort

Madame and Monsieur Fleurin were ple

and gracious It

to

my

frightened wife.

exceedingly handsome peo-

us frightened foreigners.

was about noon and,

became calm. The bed

made

She imme-

excellent.

after a flurry of activity,

was given had no

1

a roll of sheets to support

of the wait for the surgery,

my head.

everything

pillow, so Beverly

This was the beginning

and the acute pain was gradually

my

creasing. Jolts of stabbing, throbbing pain spread out into torso.

my

They took

breath away. The doctors told

still

as possible, so as not to

acid

and other juices

At that time, what

I

to lie as

provoke the leaking hydrochloric

were digesting

that

me

in-

my insides.

know was

did not

Parisian hospitals are understaffed.

coast of France or in the country.

that

on weekends,

Most doctors vacation on the I

later

learned that there was

only one surgeon on duty in the entire hospital complex! Only

he could operate; only he could authorize any kind of medication.

1

never saw the surgeon that day, and since nurses in France

have no authority anything for

my

to give medication, they

room they had

my nose

digestive fluids.

came very

dry;

to

do

increasingly grave condition.

In the emergency

tube through

were powerless

It

and down

was very

my mouth

into

difficult

inserted the large rubber

my stomach to suction out to talk and my mouth be-

tasted like rubber.

I

wasn't allowed to

drink anything to relieve the dryness. The pain in the center of

my abdomen chest and felt like

into

my

grew worse. The torment radiated out into

down

the only

to the pelvis. Staying curled in a fetal position

way

to

keep the

extremities. Tears ran

The only sound

my

I

could

an animal. Whenever

I

fire

from radiating farther out

down my

make was an

tried to talk,

it

cheeks from the pain.

moan

like

my abdomen

and

occasional low agitated

PARIS

magnified the pain.

was

It

best to

perfectly

lie

still

and focus on

trying to breathe as quietly as possible.

No

Minutes stretched into hours. nurse entered the room,

I

begged

for

doctor came. Whenever a

morphine. There was noth-

When they ignored my pleas,

ing they could do.

Fleurin to beg for me.

I

told the nurses that

asked Monsieur

I

was dying and

1

I

had

Monsieur Fleurin do the same. In the middle of the afternoon, the nurse said she would contact a doctor to see what they could do

and gave

me

an injection of a ''stomach relaxant."

whatsoever. Every time Beverly or operation, they said

ternoon the tel

relief

had worn

it

from the morphine

The

had no

effect

asked the nurses about the

1

would be done within

off completely.

It

I

fiery

the hour.

By

had been given

early af-

at the

ho-

pain grew steadily worse.

My stomach felt like it was full of burning coals. Hot flashes of intense pain shot into my arms and legs. kept repeating in French I

that

1

I

was dying and begged kept thinking that

condition. Nothing in

agony

Why

didn't

1

I

my

for

morphine over and over

again.

should be unconscious because of life

had prepared me

black out?

What had

I

my

for this intense

ever done to deserve

this?

The nurse became and

pleas. Beverly

was

increasingly impatient with our questions told that

if

she didn't stop her demands,

she would be put out of the room.

do nothing

for

My poor beautiful

me, and she couldn't get anyone

wife could

to Uft a finger to

help me. She was acutely aware that she was losing me, and there

was nothing she could do about In hindsight

I

it

realize that this

in spite of all her pleas.

woeful lack of attention

re-

sulted not from malice, but rather from bureaucratic ineptitude

and

indifference.

agony

I

1

also realize that because

was experiencing more

ize the full extent of

my

crisis.

1

did not express the

dramatically, the staff didn't real-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

My lieved

whole

1

In

this,

my

I

I

I

be-

could handle anything.

I

thought.

extreme pain, seconds seemed

seemed

utes

of self-sufficient stoicism.

need anyone's help.

didn't

could do

had been one

life

minutes and min-

like

Minute by minute, second by second, the

like hours.

time passed into hours. By eight o'clock that evening the pain had

become

totally unbearable. I'd

position, in the tor.

The pain

same room

been in the same bed,

since

noon without

come and go

didn't

in the

ever seeing a doc-

waves anymore,

in

worse and worse. The hydrochloric acid leaking from ach was spreading throughout eating

me up

strength ble.

I

to stay alive.

would be

I

I

pour every It

the

was

bit of

end of my

knew there was

very

little

agony.

Why

didn't they care?

my

cared about?

I

was

my

come

supposed

it's

to end.

house,

indifferent to

my

Had

my

to

gardens

thirty-eight years old artist.

I

all

—

was

my

wife,

all

the

and just begin-

my work

and

to this?

had grown so

to tell her that

hold on

it

in me.

left

frail

that

I

could hardly

lift

my head or speak.

Beverly looked drained, totally emotionally exhausted.

want

literally

was so weakened from the

What would happen

ning to achieve some fame as an struggle

and

stom-

failed to breathe,

if 1

and they were

paintings, I

I

that

strength

how

not

is

in a Paris hospital

two children,

me

Ufe. Period.

away

I

my

energy into inhaling and exhaling

vividly clear to

kept thinking, this

things

just got

The searing torment was gaining

inside.

fading

my

cavity

it

and I was getting weaker. Breathing was almost impossi-

tried to

ordeal,

from the

my abdominal

same

1

much longer.

knew It

the

end was

near.

I

told her

I

I

didn't

couldn't

had gotten very dark outside the window

of the bare hospital room. I

was

States that

later told

by American doctors back

from the time of the perforation,

my

in the United life

expectancy

PARIS

was about

hours. The condition

five

1

had was similar

to a burst

appendix. Sometime around nine o'clock, one of the nurses

came

into the room. She said the doctor

had gone home and the

operation couldn't be performed until the next morning. I

now

wouldn't survive until then. Ten hours had

the hole in as

my stomach erupted.

could to stay

1

alive.

muster the strength I

I

had fought

had nothing

1

to breathe

knew was dying now.

I

1

knew

passed since

as long

left. It

I

and

as hard

was impossible

to

anymore.

knew

dying was the only way

that

out of this world of pain. To die was the easiest thing in the world. All

1

breathe out.

and

1

would have I

turned to Beverly,

over.

We

told her that

1

I

fighting to breathe in,

who had been

had never seen her look so

flood of tears,

was

do was stop

to

crying for hours,

distressed. Fighting against the

loved her very much.

said our good-byes to each other.

I

I

told her

didn't

it

have the

courage or strength to say more. She got up from her chair next to the

me

bed and put her arms around me. She kissed me and

me and

that she loved

told

she would always love me, and then

she said good-bye. She sat back

down and

cried from the core of

her being.

Saying to myself, "Let thing

saw was

1

it

end now,"

I

went

would happen next would be ness or existence. after

that as

I

knew

1

after death.

sort of thing.

other fairy

I

knew

the

my eyes.

1

I

The

last

and her hands

knew

that

what

end of any kind of conscious-

The idea

my mind because

for certain that there

I

of any kind of

didn't

beUeve in

was no such thing

Only simpleminded people believed

didn't believe in

tales.

into oblivion.

that to be true.

death never entered

kind of thing.

life

closed

Beverly's throbbing shoulders

pressed over her eyes as

life

I

God, or heaven, or

in that

hell, or

any

drifted into darkness, a sleep into annihilation.

THE DESCENT

I "

was standing up. ing up.

I

oblivion, escape this

a dream." But alert,

and

1

in

my

me was

and cool and

The bright clarity

why I was

was

1

stand-

in the hospital

alive?

I

had wanted

from the all-consuming, unbearable pain.

be a dream?"

knew

that

it

1

kept thinking. "This has got to be

wasn't. alive

I

was aware

than

I

that

had ever

felt

1

felt

in

more

my

en-

senses were extremely vivid. Everything around alive.

The linoleum

my bare

light of the

The mix

Why

right.

more aware, and more

tire life. All

eyes to see

was between the two hospital beds

room. This wasn't

"Could

my

opened

I

feet felt

room

tiles

on

the floor were slick

moist and clammy against them.

illuminated every detail in crystal

of odors of stale urine, sweat, residue of bleach

from the sheets, and enamel paint

filled

my nostrils.

The sounds

my breathing and the blood rushing through my veins hummed in my ears. The surface of my skin tingled with the sensations of air moving across My mouth tasted stale and dry. How bizarre to feel all of my senses heightened and alert, as if had just been born. Thoughts raced through my mind. "This is of

it.

1

no dream.

I

am more

alive

than

I

have ever been."

I

THE DESCENT This

too

is

much was

real.

1

my

the bones in

I

my body

touched

and everything was

hurt.

1

all intact.

was aware of the problem

as severe as before.

It

in

was more of

my

profoundly aware of

my hands in sevMy head, shoulders,

situation

a

1

pinched myself and

my stomach, memory

but

I

had ever been

looked

I

at

my

were half closed. chair next to

my

I

in

it

was not

of the pain.

was

1

and of the necessity of having

an operation as soon as possible. In every respect, ahve than

feel

with

intact, alive.

arms, abdomen, and thighs were it

could

fist. I

hands, the muscles expand and contract, skin

pressed against skin. eral places

and was amazed how

fists

my hands just by making a

feeling in

1

my

squeezed

11

I

was more

my life.

roommate, Monsieur Fleurin, and his eyes turned and looked

bed. She

Beverly sitting in the

at

was motionless,

staring at the floor.

She looked physically exhausted and emotionally drained.

spoke

to her

tionless.

I

but she didn't seem to hear. She

sat absolutely

gave up trying to talk to her for the

something between us caught

my

moment

at

the face of the

see the resemblance that

it

attention.

body

had

to

in the bed,

my own

at

it. I

arms, torso, legs, and

but

it

1

was

1

bent

horrified to

was impossi-

face. It

me because was standing over it was looking down at a facsimile of my hands,

ble that that thing could be

and looking

mo-

because

There was an object in the bed under the sheet. As over to look

1

feet

I

under the

looked so meaningless,

to the

the bed. Everything that

was me,

was standing next

bed,

it

was just

may

as well have

looked

bed and staring

to the bed.

like

No,

it

wasn't

my face, lifeless.

and physical

me

lying in the

have any importance to me.

been a slab of meat

1

at the object in

my consciousness

a thing that didn't

The impossibility

It

husk, empty and

like a

was standing there next

being,

sheet.

It

in the supermarket.

of the situation set

my mind

reeling.

It

oc-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

12

me

curred to

my

that

must have gone

I

being into two parts.

delusional. Yet

1

wanted desperately

felt

more

alert

Her eyes

reaction.

that she couldn't hear 1

I

screamed and raged

1

me

didn't even blink.

there.

screamed

He looked He

him.

room was

hospital

clear. All

fear,

of the details of the

it

brightly

on the

it

ing to

me? This

Maybe,

1

is

bed. But

so real! But

on

why would

how I would this

it

happen?

a

were

if 1

to.

1

I

invisi-

became

in-

me.

filled

bump

dis-

in the

My

in

such

sense of taste and taste in

my mouth

was so overpowering. "What's happen-

how

can

this be?"

wax

thought, they had built a

and put

you

were not

and exactness. Everything was

was unconscious. They could have made

my face

I

had never viewed the

I

was overwhelming.

it

as

every

floor,

touch and temperature were exploding. The revolting because

though

are

Everything was vividly

lit.

bed was magnified.

extreme focus that

"Why

room were extremely sharp and

paint

clarity

me

and confusion

Every nuance in the linoleum

world with such

as

was supposed

tinct.

steel

face,

spittle hitting his face as

stared right through

Nothing worked the way

The

me

through

could see the droplets of

1

at

right

creasingly upset as anger,

was

was impossible

It

turned around to Monsieur Fleurin in the bed behind me.

ignoring me?"

ble.

at her, there

screaming.

bent over him and yelled inches from his

even

started

1

but she just

at her,

No matter how loudly 1 yelled or cursed

ignored me.

was no

and

1

remained frozen in the

yelling for her to say something, but she

chair next to the bed.

had spUt

and conscious.

get through to Beverly,

to

I

was schizophrenic, completely mad,

had never

I

Somehow

crazy.

dummy while

they do that?

react? This doesn't

1

replica of

me

a quick-drying

was out and put

Is this

some kind

make any

sense.

while

mold it

1

of

in the

of test to see

How else

could

THE DESCENT

13

Off in the distance, outside the room in the

hall,

heard

I

They

voices calUng me. "Howard, Howard," they were calling.

were pleasant voices, male and female, young and old, calling

None

in English.

me

of the hospital staff spoke English so clearly;

name "Howard"

they couldn't pronounce the

very well.

was

I

hopelessly confused. Beverly and Monsieur Fleurin didn't seem to hear

them.

"Come

asked

1

who

they were and what they wanted.

out here," they said.

hurry up. We've been

"Let's go,

waiting for you for a long time." "I can't,"

something's

wrong

"We can you want I

was

in here.

you

get

need an operation.

I

fixed up," they said. "If

to get better? Don't

in

unknown

an

me. They were

irritated

tempts to find out

moved

it

who

cate with

my

wife and

I

was

come out

I

to get I

could they be?

I

had

to

be

back

ception.

I

in.

at-

But

1

the room,

if I left

couldn't

communi-

my

communicate with

"We

say,

can't help

more unanswered

here to take

me

to

my

you

room-

questions,

operation.

you

if

Who

as-

I

else

decided to follow them rather than remain in a

stepped out into the light

which were only

a feeling that

room where everyone ignored me. I

afraid of those people calling

questions,

couldn't

here." After

sumed they must be

you hurry up. Don't

they were. The hallway looked strange as

mate. The voices continued to don't

very sick!"

you want help?"

my

by

closer to the door.

might be impossible

am

1

hospital in a foreign country, in an ex-

tremely bizarre situation, and

I

Something's the matter with me;

said. "I'm sick.

1

After

hall, full of

all, I

needed

surgery.

anxiety The area seemed

but very hazy, like a television screen with terrible couldn't

make out any

details.

It

was

like

re-

being in a

plane passing through thick clouds. The people were off in the distance

and

I

couldn't see

them very

they were male and female,

tall

and

clearly But

short, old

I

could

tell

and young

that

adults.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

14

Their clothes were gray and they were pale. As to

them

to identify

tried to get close

I

them, they quickly withdrew deeper into the

So

1

had

sphere.

I

could never get closer to them than ten

fog.

of questions.

to follow farther

Who

they want

me

could

be

this

They and

told

real?

along in

1

emotional

much

alive.

quite confused, but not at

lots

wife?

How

my problems were meaningless

distress,

I

followed them, shuf-

memory

of the pain in

was moist with

I

all tired. 1

must be operated on

that

had

I

hurry up and follow them.

bare feet with the

feeling very

belly,

my

the matter with

repeatedly that

my

feet.

atmo-

They wouldn't answer anything. Their only

unnecessar}'^, In

fling

What was

insist that

me

farther into the thick

were they? What did they want? Where did

to go?

response was to

and

knew

that

perspiration,

had

I

problem

a

They appeared

right away.

my

to

be

my

only hope.

Every time

1

hesitated, they

demanded

continued to repeat the promise that

would end.

bles

quiries

We

if 1

that

keep up. They

I

followed them,

walked on and on, and

my

were rebuffed. They insisted on hurrying

my trou-

repeated into get to

our

destination.

During the journey,

attempted to count

I

how many

of these

people there were and figure out something about their individual identities, but

and

it

their

couldn't.

became gradually

numbers seemed

direction

we were

miles, but

1

to

The fog thickened

be increasing.

taking.

I

knew

doorway

getting smaller

and

as

we went

on,

They moved around me and

darker.

that

had the strange abiUty

see through the

was

I

I

was confused about the

we had been

to occasionally

traveling for

look back and

of the hospital room, although the door smaller.

That body was

still

there, lying

motionless on the bed. Beverly was sitting there as frozen as she

THE DESCENT

had been when

many

experience

this surreal

miles away, but

could

1

we were

All the while

15

see

still

walking,

1

first

began.

seemed

It

off in the distance.

it

was

trying to pick

up some

where we were going by what we were walking on.

clues as to

There were no walls of any kind. The floor or ground had no tures; there

smooth,

way be

was no

damp, cool

slightly

so long?

strange feeling that

was

How

could

walking on a

like

this hospital hall-

go uphill or downhill? Sometimes

we might be

I

for-

had

a

subtly descending. passing. There

profound sense of timelessness. This was strange because,

as a teacher,

had been able

I

certain length of time.

been walking

to estimate

only

I

knew

a long, long while.

ing to get there.

'Tm

increasingly angry

sick,"

and

I

I

when

that

said. "I can't

sarcastic.

it

1

had talked

seemed

kept asking

do

like

for a

we had

when we were

this."

go-

They became

you'd quit moaning and

"If

groaning, we'd get there," they said.

"Move

The more questioning and suspicious

go, hurry up!"

it, let's

became, the more antag-

I

and authoritarian they became. They were whispering

onistic

about

was

make out how much time was

also couldn't

a

floor.

It

How could this same unvarying plane go on

When would we

ever?

I

incline or decline.

fea-

my

bare rear end, which wasn't covered by

how

gown, and about about me, but ing, they

when

would say

I

to

pathetic

I

was.

I

knew

tried to hear exactly

my

hospital

they were talking

what they were

say-

one another, "Shhh, he can hear you, he

can hear you."

They

know what

me was

know what was thinking, and didn't were thinking. What was increasingly clear to

didn't appear to

they

that they

I

I

were deceiving me. The longer

I

stayed with

them, the further away escape would be.

Back

in the hospital

room, an eternity before,

I

had hoped

to

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

16

die

and end the torment of life.

Now

was being forced by

1

some unknown

of unfeeling people toward

mob

a

destination in the en-

croaching darkness. They began shouting and hurling insults

me, demanding

that

hurry along. The more miserable

1

my

came, the more enjoyment they derived from

A terrible

some ways

was

than

had ever been. Everything

too real. In

possible, yet

nation, but

before this

it

1

wished that

was

I

that

a

it

to the

just a ruse to trick

They

a

few more

A

me

told

me we

my

were almost

I

was now ex-

cold,

had

into following them.

but any hesitation on

halluci-

had experienced

that

was frightened, exhausted,

I

was

insults.

1

way

clear that the help these terrible beings

farther,

dream or

a

were. Everything

dream compared

sensitive

was happening couldn't be

was

go

distress.

was more aware and

was happening. This was not

periencing reaUty

to

be-

sense of dread was growing within me. This expe-

rience I

I

at

and

promised

first I

lost. It

was

reluctant

part brought abuse

and

up and

take

there, to shut

steps.

few of the voices attempted a conciliatory tone that

amused

the others.

Among

themselves the

mood was one

of ex-

citement and trmmph.

For a long time

watch that

I

my step. When

we were

had been walking with I

looked around

I

was

my

gaze

down

to

horrified to discover

in complete darkness.

The hopelessness

of

my

situation

overwhelmed me.

I

told

me alone, and that they were liars. could feel their breath on me as they shouted and snarled insults. Then they began to push and shove me about. began to fight back. A wild frenzy of taunting, screaming, and them

I

would go no

farther, to leave

I

I

hitting ensued. at

them, they

I

bit

fought like a wild man. As

and

tore

back

at

I

swung and kicked

me. All the while

ous that they were having great fun. Even though

I

it

was obvi-

couldn't see

I

THE DESCENT anything in the darkness,

hundreds of them

all

I

was aware

17

that there

back only provoked greater merriment. As myself,

1

was aware

that they weren't in

me. They were playing with Every

new

began

to tear off pieces of

I

assault brought

me just

my

flesh.

would

that their entertainment I

1

attempts to fight

continued to defend

any hurry

to annihilate

as a cat plays with a

mouse.

howls of cacophonous laughter. They

was being taken apart and eaten

While

My

around and over me.

were dozens or

To

my

alive,

last as

horror,

1

realized that

methodically, slowly, so

long as possible.

couldn't see in this total darkness, every

sound and

every physical sensation registered with horrifying intensity.

These creatures were once can describe them

human

beings.

be able to

tell

others what to do, but

Some

I

of

way

best

to think of the worst imaginable

is

stripped of every impulse of compassion. to

The

I

person

them seemed

had no sense of there

being any organization to the mayhem. They didn't appear to be controlled or directed by anyone. Simply, they were a ings totally driven

they

of be-

by unbridled cruelty

In that darkness

when

mob

had intense physical contact with them

I

swarmed over me. Their bodies

felt

exactly as

human

bodies do except for two characteristics. They had very long,

sharp fingernails, and their teeth were longer than normal.

human

never been bitten by a

During our struggle they

being before

felt

no

of feeling, they appeared to possess

my

initial

no

this.

Other than

their lack

special abilities.

During

experience with them they were clothed. In our

mate physical contact

The

pain.

level

I

never

of noise

felt

more

I

inti-

any clothing.

was excruciating. Countless people

laughed, yelled, and jeered. In the middle of this bedlam the object of their desire.

I'd

My

I

was

torment was their excitement. The

fought, the greater their

thrill.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

18

Eventually

I

became too badly torn up and too broken

Most of them gave up tormenting

sist.

longer amusing, but a few ridiculed

me

for

still

I

I

1

was no

at

me and

had been torn

apart.

lay there in the darkness.

haven't described everything that happened. There are

I

things that

I

don't care to remember. In fact,

was simply too gruesome and disturbing years trying to suppress a lot of

ever

because

picked and gnawed

no longer being amusing.

In that wretched state

me

to re-

I

it.

did remember those details,

1

much

that occurred

to recall. I've spent

After the experience,

when-

would become traumatized.

ALONE

s .

JL

I

my tormentors swarming around a voice emerged from my chest. It sounded Uke my

lay

on

the ground,

^

me,

.

voice, but

The voice God."

wasn't a thought of mine.

sounded Uke

that

remember

I

it

my

thinking,

a cop-out.

rounded by hideous

creatures,

terly hopeless,

believe in

A

God

1

or not.

1

if

my

I

I

could pray

That voice said this time.

I

wouldn't

I

1

it

1

my

1

to

me, "Pray

to

God."

It

was

had not spoken. Pray how? Pray

my

entire adult

know what

the right

life. I

didn't

words were

can't pray!

again, "Pray to God!"

It

had watched adults doing.

fancy and had to be done just so.

from

ut-

any possible help whether

wasn't sure what to do. Praying, for

been something

is

don't pray, period."

voice, but

to pray.

a stupid idea. That

don't beUeve in God. This

hadn't prayed at any time in

know how even

1

am beyond

1

it.

Lying here in this darkness, sur-

second time, the voice spoke

recognizably

what?

and

didn't say

voice, but wasn't, said, "Pray to

"Why? What

What

doesn't work.

I

1

tried to

was more

me as It

definite

a child,

had

was something

remember prayers

childhood experiences in Sunday school. Prayer was

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

20

something you memorized. What could long ago? Tentatively,

murmured

I

a

remember from

I

few

lines

—

so

jumble from

a

the Twenty-third Psalm, "The Star-Spangled Banner," the Lord's Prayer, the Pledge of Allegiance,

and "God

and

Bless America,"

whatever other churchly sounding phrases came to mind. "Yea,

no

will fear

majesty,

though evil,

walk in the valley of the shadow of death, for

thou

evil.

One

my amazement,

To

me were

out of

with me. For purple mountain

art

is

God Bless America."

nation under God.

the cruel, merciless beings tearing the

incited to rage

were throwing boiling

"There

1

mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.

Deliver us from

1

1

oil

my

by

ragged prayer.

It

was

on them. They screamed

life

as

if

me,

at

Who do you think you're talking to? Nobody Now we are really going to hurt you." They spoke

no God!

can hear you! in the

most obscene language, worse than any blasphemy

earth.

But

at the

same

time, they were backing

away

I

said

could

on

still

hear their voices in the utter darkness, but they were getting

more and more was

distant.

actually driving

with what death,

I

God

was is

I

realized that saying things about

them away.

saying. "Yea,

I

more

forceful

walk through the

valley of

became

though

I

going to get you. Leave

God

me

a

little

alone, the Lord

is

my

shepherd, and one nation under God, and ..." Retreating, they

became more

rabid, cursing

claimed that what

1

and screaming against God. They

was praying was worthless and

that

1

was

a

coward, a nothing. In time they retreated back into the distant

gloom, beyond

my hearing. I knew they were

far

away but could

return. I

was

alone, destroyed,

ingly horrible place.

I

and yet painfully

had no idea where

was walking with these people,

1

I

alive in this revolt-

was. At

first,

had thought we were

foggy part of the hospital. In time,

I

realized

when in

I

some

we had gone some-

ALONE where could

Now

else.

I

know

didn't

if

I

21

was even

How

in the world.

be the world?

this

There was no indication of a direction to follow even

been physically able

to crawl.

The agony

that

if

I

had

had suffered dur-

1

ing the day in the hospital was nothing compared to what

I

was

now. The all-consuming physical pain was secondary to

feeling

the emotional pain. Their psychological cruelty to

me was

un-

bearable.

was alone

I

in that darkness for time without measure.

thought about what

I

had done.

All

my

life

I

had thought

I

that

My life was devoted to building a monument to my ego. My family, my sculptures, my painting, my house, my gardens, my little fame, my illusions of power, were all an extension of my ego. All of those things were gone hard work was what counted.

now, and what did they matter? All those things that

were

for

lost to

my

All of

me, and they didn't mean

adult

life

I

Now

1

was

a

lived

a thing.

had been strong and confident

1

could take care of myself.

worm

me. This ordeal had stripped

that

I

cast into the outer

darkness and had neither any strength nor power, nor rage, to protect

had

me

of

all

my inner of my de-

fenses.

All of

my life,

dread, and angst. erlessness die

and

my it

I

I

could become famous,

my

whole I

life

if I

didn't

me

was

had always

The

fear,

could defeat pow-

become famous, then Fd 1

didn't live in

striven for an unattainable eternal

neither fame nor oblivion.

pit of despair

I

fame

was now

I

was stuck with myself,

I

was too

frightening.

hadn't had time for

ter of fact,

1

would be meaningless. So

protection against oblivion.

in gave

and

If

fought a constant undertone of anxiety,

and beat death. But

the present. as

I'd

I

many

found most people

friends. to

busy.

As

a

be a tiresome nuisance.

matI

did

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

22

what

could to avoid social interactions.

I

didn't belong to

1

any

clubs or organizations. In spite of the narcissistic appearance,

and

didn't like myself,

I

didn't like other people, either.

1

How ironic it was to end up in the sewer of the universe with people

who

fed off the pain of others!

compassion

for others.

dawned on me

It

these miserable creatures that

had been led

love, they

was

desire

and

Any mention

all,

Failing truly to

where

only to

whom they had rejected,

of God,

may have been

successful

had missed the most important thing

beUeved

that

if

you were born

of

into this dog-eat-dog kind of

world, you might as well be a winner instead of a

people

1

knew were

loser. All the

out for themselves. Rather than get the

good

dregs, I'd go for the

what

things. So

Anyone who wasn't pragmatic and

if I

was ambitious?

reaUstic about

life

(Uke me)

a fool.

Being an

artist

was

nal fame as an

artist.

and worship

for

it

a

way

about I

me and

say,

who were

good,

reality of

culture.

I

let

life.

faith,

I

in marble temples

wanted

religious

be famous

for

with contempt.

I

because they couldn't cope

If that's

in

to

artist."

They had bought

them wallow

had no

wanted. You win eter-

the great

fairy tales

order to justify their mediocrity. feel

I

People would read books

years.

"Howard Storm,

thought they believed in

them

what

thousands of years.

viewed people

with the harsh

to get

They display your work

hundreds and thousands of

my

it

and now were reaping what they had sown. I

was

their only

torment onto another. Devoid of

enraged them. These debased people in the world, but they

genuine

was not unlike

I

into the outer darkness

little

they craved intimacy but found

faith,

be more torment.

that

had tormented me.

to inflict their inner

love, hope,

had had

I

it.

I

what

was

into a fantasy in it

in the

no hope, and no

takes to

make

mainstream of

reliance

on anyone.

ALONE just survival of the

ones

1

My

fittest.

23

colleagues

associated with) thought about

at

and what

real

wasn't.

If

a dyed-in-the-wool cynic I

was

in control of

when

my

about them. They recognized

believed in being a law-abiding

person and that you should avoid going to jail

and obeyed the unwritten for a

my

good

life?

1

in

We knew

things.

all

was

1

they met one.

life. I

rob banks or murder anyone.

did.

I

any students or colleagues had

me

other ideas, they didn't talk to

way

the

life

good company Man was the measure of what was

the university (the

at all costs.

I

didn't

lived within the law of the land

rules of civility Wasn't this sufficient

The rugged individualism

that

1

had learned from

my schooling, and my American culture was my reliWhy would need to believe in a higher power? Who

father,

gion.

1

would put have

to

the needs of others ahead of their

watch your back always.

The one who weak.

thought

was the

1

needs? You for himself.

most toys wins. Compassion

dies with the

you don't take

If

Life is every

own man

care of yourself,

nobody

is

for the

else will.

woods. Wasn't

biggest, baddest bear in the

I

1

good enough? I

like

didn't believe in a

life

after death.

having the switch turned

off.

When

That was

it,

you

died,

end

the

it

was

of your ex-

istence, finished, just darkness.

Now I

1

was

knew then

in the world, sibly

in that darkness,

and

that this it

It

life,

and

was

it

was the absolute end of

was more

have imagined.

beyond

my

horrible than anything

would have been much

existence

could pos-

1

better to die in

the hospital than live in this despicable garbage heap. a

hell.

I

felt like

match whose flame had been spent and the ember was slowly

dying away to nothing. a creature

Little

strength

was

left

to resist

gnashing his teeth in the outer darkness.

from becoming

like

one of

my own

tormentors for

I

becoming wasn't far

all eternity.

THE LIGHT

ying there, torn apart, inside and out,

I

LI -

-

would never

come

Then

see the world again.

for the first time in

sounded

again.

The

knew I was

was

my

adult

my

life

alone to be-

left

head.

a very old tune It

was

my

like a Uttle

boy singing the same

child that

had once been was singing

1

and over

full

.

only that bit of the tune and those few words that

of inno-

There was

." .

from

voice, but

line over

cence, trust, and hope. "Jesus loves me, da da da

member.

lost.

a creature of the dark.

childhood started going through it

1

I

I

could

We had sung those words in Sunday school when

I

re-

was

a child.

Somewhere out

there in that vast darkness there could be

something good. There

is

someone who might

spontaneous recollection from

my

I

didn't

It

was simply

Sunday school

days: Jesus

have any theological interest about what a

love me.

it

meant.

loves me. Jesus loves me. Jesus loves me. 1

I

was

desperately needed alive.

someone

to love

me, someone

A ray of hope began to dawn in me,

to

know

a belief that there

THELIGHT was something

really

adult

how

my

life

wanted

1

1

save me."

had

left. I

my

didn't

know

wanted and needed, but with every

bit of

1

yelled out into the darkness, "Jesus,

1

yelled that from the core of

I

time in

first

be true that Jesus loved me.

ounce of strength,

last

I

greater out there. For the

to

what

to express

ergy

it

25

my being with

all

the en-

have never meant anything more strongly in

my

life.

Far off in the darkness faintest star in the sky.

The

was rapidly

star

thought

it

ward me was

right in

couldn't take

path and

my eyes

beautiful than anything

I

As

came

it

it;

I

light.

knew

that while

it

tall

was moving I

I

to-

realized that

I

brilliance.

I

its

was brighter than the

Soon the

light

brilliant,

it

was upon wasn't just

and surrounded by an oval of radiance. The penetrated

me

up.

I

slowly rose

and the torn pieces of eyes. All

my wounds

the light.

More important,

I

had been

now was

up

my body

miraculously healed before I

the despair

my

became whole and well

in

and pain were replaced by

and now was found;

lost

Ecstasy swept

into the presence of the light

vanished and

I

had been dead and

alive.

This loving, luminous being timately

my body

bril-

and arms gently embraced me

the agony. Tangible hands

lifted

love.

It

was indescribably

liant intensity of the light

and

first

This was a living being, a luminous being approximately

eight feet

away

closer,

seen.

sun, brighter than a flash of lightning.

me.

It

before.

was more intense and more

the light

had ever

it

brighter. At

might be consumed by

I

off

hadn't seen

not someone.

thing,

rate.

I

and

getting brighter

an alarming its

a pinpoint of light like the

wondered why

I

might be some

at

saw

1

He knew me

edge and wisdom.

I

who embraced me knew me

better than

knew

that he

I

in-

He was knowl-

knew

myself.

knew

everything about me.

I

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

26

was unconditionally loved and accepted. He was King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Christ Jesus the

Savior. Jesus

does love me,

I

thought.

experienced love in such intensity that nothing

I

known

was comparable. His love was

before

man love

put together. His love

I

had ever

greater than

all

enveloped me, and

totally

I

hu-

real-

was indescribably wonderful: goodness, power,

ized that he

knowledge, and

love.

He was more

loving than one can begin to

imagine or describe. Jesus did indeed love me. This person of blinding glory loved

power. After what

1

had been through,

me

to

with overwhelming

be completely known,

accepted, and intensely loved by this beautiful

surpassed anything imagined. cried

had

I

called out to Jesus

and cried from joy, and the

with her baby, all

a

He

held

like a father

and he came

tears

I

cried

all

He

held

gradually at

me

close

first,

and detestable

with his long-lost prodigal son.

years, although very

posure because

had soaked

my

it

tears of

salvation.

traversed an

little

back.

we

like a rocket

my

tion

we were moving.

blubbering, and

Off in the distance

1

cried

shame over I

cried like

to

I

1

rose upward,

shot out of that dark distance, light-

tried to regain

my com-

be crying so hard. Tears

and mucus poured from

stop

We

enormous

time elapsed.

was embarrassing

face

and

and

my

and stroked

We

1

crying.

and then

hell.

me.

me and caressed me like a mother

the tears of joy

baby and couldn't stop

to rescue

kept coming. Joy upon joy

the tears of a lifetime of hopelessness

my unbeUef.

of light

had ever known or could possibly have

1

billowed through me.

God/man

my nose.

I

tried to

turned and looked toward the direc-

far, far

away,

I

saw

a vast area of illumina-

tion that looked like a galaxy. In the center

was an enormously

bright concentration of light. Outside the center, countless mil-

THELIGHT were

lions of spheres of light

27

flying about, entering

was compara-

that great concentration of light at the center. This

ble to seeing the sky at night

abundant

stars so

were

"stars"

motion

a

mountain with the

touch one another. These

that they almost

in

all

on the top of

and leaving

They were

in relation to the center.

moving toward or away from

the brilUant white center of the

universe.

As we approached,

a vast distance away,

still

was permeated

I

with tangible intense feelings and thoughts of love. While moving toward the presence of the great light, center of all being. The

One,

was beyond thought.

I

occurred. Simply,

God

ation, that

my

I

know

began

that

and scoffed times had

God

afraid.

all

No

my

that

is

God

loved me, that

loved cre-

name

holy.

changed

matter what happened,

separate

How many before

used the name of

I

God

I

would

loved me.

at the reality

rogance to use the against

out.

be aware of

to

ashamed and

that

not possible to articulate what

love. This experience of love totally

is

from the inside

life

always

knew

I

It is

1

of

was

God

self,

and

1

my life me? How many

had

times in

as a curse?

God

an

as

to

denied

incredible ar-

Such

insult.

I

thousands of

What

ashamed

terribly

became very

go

a travesty

closer.

The

wonderful, incredible intensity of the emanations of goodness

and love might be more than 1

One.

my

felt like

My

fear

scum

could bear.

garbage, filthy rags, in the presence of the Holy

friend carrying

me, Jesus,

my best

and reluctance and shame.

that belongs

terrible mistake.

For the his

I

first

young male

long here." So

I

I

friend,

was aware of

thought to myself,

"1

am

back down in the sewer. They have made a don't belong here."

time, he spoke. voice.

He spoke

"We don t make

we stopped where we

directly to

my mind

in

mistakes, and you do be-

were,

still

countless light-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

28

away from

years

supreme being

the great

in heaven.

1

cried from

shame, and he comforted me.

Then Jesus nous

from the great

entities radiating

circled

around

before.

of the lumi-

came and

center. Several

The radiance emanating from them contained

us.

and

exquisite colors of a range

had seen

some

called out in a musical tone to

was

It

like

intensity far exceeding anything

looking

at the iridescence in the

I

deep

We simply do not have the words to exWhen you look into a bright light, the inten-

brilUance of a diamond. press their beauty sity

hurts your eyes. These beings were far brighter than the most

them with no sense

powerful searchlight, yet

1

discomfort. In

radiance penetrated me;

fact, their

could look

me and through me, and it made me

inside

ecstasy.

would be capable

if I

sooner had

my mind

all

say something I

I

laughed and told

me

1

wonderful.

didn't

my thoughts.

1

want you

feel It

it

was

know whether

could hear their

me.

1

to hear?"

thought,

And no

thought the word "breast." They

knew

that they

everything

couldn't surprise them.

I

I

as they addressed

don't

thought that than

thought and that

thinking.

of controlling

individual voices in

"What

feel

could

1

of

These were the saints and angels.

They knew everything I was I

at

1

1

had ever

was both embar-

rassed and relieved. I

heard their voices clearly and individually. Each had a

through

my

that

we

I

my

mind, not

they used normal colloquial English.

thought, they

knew immediately

It

was

conversed.

"You're upset. "I

And

ears.

Everything that

way

but they spoke directly to

personality,

tinct

What can we do

to help

you?"

don't belong here."

"You do belong here." "You've got the

dis-

wrong person.

I

don't belong here."

in this

THELIGHT "This

you

in

you

will

our

The

enough ple.

is right. It's all

been

human form

for this

29

moment.

you wish or

if

in

We

can appear to

any form you want, so

be comfortable with us." thing

last

wanted

I

of people after

For them

would have

to

to see

what had happened

become human

to turn

was people because

down

to

me.

in appearance

their radiance. This

1

had had

1

hated peo-

meant

that they

would be an

insult

to their glorious appearance.

"No. Please don't change into anything for me. You're more beautiful than anything I've ever seen."

They

seemed

all

pletely familiar with

know me more

know and understand me and to be commy thoughts and my past. No one could

to

intimately

of relatives at Christmas their lated;

names or

but you do

they were

my

than anyone I

to

I

whom know

I

like

going to a large gathering

they are married or

you

relatives or not.

how

are with family.

It felt

to

I

remember

they are re-

don't

know

Uke they were closer

to

if

me

had ever known.

ered myself with

from them.

was

and not being quite able

that

was ashamed when

they had seen

It

I

realized that

my hands.

me many

I

They were amused and

times and that

tried to relax.

was naked, and

I

told

had nothing

I

me

covthat

to hide

REVIEW

LIFE

'

\A my life was

/

hen

I

was

they asked

their record, not

and experienced episodes

1

had

of

I'd

if

I

of Jesus

would

to expect,

1

and the

like to see

agreed.

angels,

my

life.

The record

of

my memory of my Ufe. We watched

that

were from the point of view of

The scenes they showed me were often

forgotten.

which

me

Unsure of what

a third party.

company

in the

They showed

their effects

of incidents

on peoples

lives,

had no previous knowledge. They reported the

thoughts and feelings of people

had been unaware

1

of at the time.

had interacted with, which

I

They showed me scenes from

my life that would not have chosen, and they eliminated scenes from my Ufe that wanted them to see. It was a complete surprise to see how my life history was being presented. 1

I

Seven angels and myself held by Jesus were arranged in cle

while the scenes were projected in the midst of the

a cir-

circle.

The

images were primarily of people and a few inanimate objects that located the events time and place.

It

was

similar to a play with-

out scenery except for the bare essentials. The drama was in

LIFE

REVIEW

31

me

chronological order and very selective, demonstrating to

the

my spiritual growth in the world. We began with scenes of my birth and infancy The powerful feelings of love that my parents had for me were overwhelming. My parents had unbounded good intentions for their third child, who was their first and only son. My father had returned from important developments in

service in the

navy during World War

11

and had bought

small house in a suburban development.

my

with two daughters and a son in a Boston.

and

The scenes filled

of

living the

little

my infancy and

ther's career as a

re-

American dream

Cape house

suburban

in

were

early childhood

idyl-

work

As our family grew,

my fa-

salesman for an international flour milling com-

pany put increasing demands on to

1

with love.

We saw scenes of tension develop.

began

and

thirty-six

mother was twenty-six. They both looked younger than

membered them. They were happily

lic

He was

a new,

his time.

My

mother, a nurse,

nights to increase the family income so that

could escalate our social

was composed of

status.

The neighborhood we

similar families seeking

we

lived in

upward mobility Our

extended family was an important part of our weekly obligations.

My

father

had been

highly disciplined

very

strict

a lieutenant in the

home

Ufe.

My

navy and wanted

mother had been raised

Lutheran Finnish immigrant

home and

in a

accepted her

husbands complete authority over the running of the

family.

The

My

house was immaculate, and dinner was elaborate and formal. sisters

and

ther gave 1

1

were taught

to

commands and

saw how

1

be well mannered and docile.

the family

was being trained

a

My

fa-

obeyed promptly

to repress

obedient so as to win the approval of

my

emotions and was

parents.

1

was

also

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

32

learning that

my

father completely

threat of his anger. I

dominated

Although we were not allowed

was learning what

means

a powerful

by the

of us

all

show

to

anger,

of controlling people

anger could be.

my

In every scene of

childhood,

approval and love.

sire for

childhood that

1

It

1

could

feel

feel

was driven by

win approval from

loved got everything

me

didn't love

I

intense de-

appeared from the scenes of

need

a

be loved while

to

plored and discovered the world around me. in school to

my

to give in return.

me

only frustrated

my

in

ex-

would work hard

I

teachers. Teachers

had

1

my

need

to

who made me Teachers who be perfect for

them.

my

The angels showed me how successful

father's

compulsion

I

saw how

my mother,

sisters,

and

I

each de-

veloped different means of coping with his unpredictable

My

mood

mother was increasingly passive but withdrawing

emotionally from him.

My

characters of hypocrisy

and duplicity

lived in a private

world

sisters

of anger

full

were developing elaborate

grew withdrawn and

1

and

violence.

The angels were showing me how important shaping each sadness as

be

was driving him toward increasing impatience and

rage with his family.

swings.

to

member

of the family's character.

we saw how

love

love

was

They shared

was expressed

in

their

in inappropriate

ways.

The watched

angels, Jesus,

a typical scene of

late in the

him

as

and

evening

much

full

I

felt

my

father

of anger.

as possible so

such disappointment as we

My

coming home from work

sisters

we wouldn't

capital offense like slouching or putting

and

1

tried to avoid

get yelled at for

some

an elbow on the

table.

Getting slapped in the face without warning or provocation was

becoming common.

How pitiful

it

was

to

watch

a child,

who just

REVIEW

LIFE

wanted

33

be loved, get physical and emotional abuse for no rea-

to

As these scenes of family dysfunction increased over the

son.

years,

1

saw love turn

who

people

to hate in

really

wanted

to

be

loved.

Watching these scenes of our deteriorating to intervene,

but

it

was only

The angels and Jesus shared

me when

feelings of joy with

God had

to love

my

mother,

spirit.

We

when we

father, sisters,

and support one another

and

love

put

in

their

was expressed, and they

love

shared their disappointment and sadness other.

wanted

1

what had happened and

a record of

couldn't be altered in any way.

family,

our

and me together

journey to grow in

life's

were adapting our desire

hurt one an-

to love in

unhealthy

ways.

We became hurt

Ufe as

increasingly rebellious,

my

father

fought, the to see

my

watched scenes of

by emotionally

more our

how had I

nocent victim

I

and

I

it

became an was painful

rejecting him.

relationship deteriorated.

It

adolescent.

I

how

1

to see

The more we was

a surprise

contributed to this hostility and was not the in-

had imagined myself

to be.

I

sought love and

who were kind. I excelled in the track coach who gave me acceptance

support from adult male figures shot put and discus for a

and approval. The angels and Jesus had no meet competitions lationships

1

won

or

mind was

lations with

members

sion of like-minded

roll

interested in the re-

It

is

of the opposite sex.

was possible

girls.

to

The music,

fall

my

romantic sexual

re-

I

a

message

readily

began the

in love v^th a succes-

television, movies,

and books were bombarding us with

The problem with the

that

music carried

eager to accept: love

pursuit of girlfriends.

zines,

They were

and how we encouraged or hurt one another.

The advent of rock and adolescent

lost.

interest in the track

cultural climate

maga-

this

message of

was

that

it

love.

identified

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

34

love exclusively with sexual relations.

my

did

same to

generation

thing.

We

be exploited

friends

—

didn't

1

and sexual

that love

fun but

for love in all the

rivals for the fe-

my

genera-

we were unhappy because we were

looking

wrong

Church, school, and

me and

for

places.

home became

irrelevant to

life's

topics relevant to our adolescent lives. This period of

shameful to watch in divine company because

in

human

and be loved. God

God

sexual expression.

one another and doesn't want us ual revolution that

1

grew up

in

is

is

1

pursuit

and the other

of love because they refused to discuss sexuality

my desire to love

as objects

between male

for sexual gratification. Relations

were always aggressive because we were

We had

—nor

relations are not the

viewed members of the opposite sex

males. Spiritually, this was a disaster for tion.

understand

my life was

had misdirected

not particularly interested

interested in

to exploit

how we

love

one another. The sex-

was opposed

by promot-

to love

ing counterfeit sexual love as true love. This cultural wave of

hedonism was bathed

in alcohol

and the

further departure from love It

was amazing

me and

me

true

wonderful opportunity

difficult,

together to learn love.

painfully clear that

saw examples

is

of

I

how

each other to learn

she

God.

God had chosen a woman to love In time, we married and have had

meaning of love with each

woman and

will of

an even

are

to see that

to love her.

most intimate,

the

me

for

and drugs, which

1

was

saw

other. it

in

God brought my

my life

to love. This is to

review.

I

watched examples of when

It

gives us

became

be God's instrument to love

had been I

wife and

God

our job.

God's instrument to love me.

when

to learn the

had been

loving,

How

often

this

we

and too often we

controlling.

Dominance

is

not love. Love supports.

They showed me how God had given us

the opportunity to

REVIEW

LIFE learn love

my

life

by having children and

review,

had

I

my

ing thing that

did was to be

cerns that

1

was

raising

them

to

be loving. In

away numerous times when

to turn

myself treating I

35

children in unloving ways. at

The most unlov-

my

times so obsessed with

indifferent to their needs.

1

saw

1

am

con-

sorry for the

my daughter and son. The most disturbing behaviors v^tnessed in my life review were the times when cared more about my career as an artist and coloccasions that

was impatient or

1

cruel to

I

1

lege professor than about their

abandonment It

father,

my

to see

how

is

1

had become so much

putting status and success above everything

my worth was measured by my success

in

like

else.

1

my be-

my chosen

Because others determine ones degree of success, one

learns to value oneself based

one

be loved. The emotional

to

children was devastating to review

was horrifying

lieved that career.

of

need

on the

criteria of others.

never good enough because there

is

always a

Of

critic

course,

and an-

other level of achievement to conquer. This becomes a never-

ending quest

for the unattainable goal of approval.

succeed, the

more driven you

into this

game hook,

line,

are to prove

and

sinker.

1

your worth.

bought

and joy of wife

family.

When

the angels

showed me how

well-being of my loved ones, insisted that 1

1

was caught dangling on

the strings others pulled, missing the simple love

and

The more you

1

needed

begged them

to live lovingly

1

wanted

destructive this

end

to

life

to stop

it

because

1

and because of the

my life review. They

my life and learn from so ashamed of my failure

was grief

it.

1

had caused God, Jesus, 1

could bear to proceed

review was because of their love for me.

what we watched me do me, even

to the

to see the truth of

and the heavenly beings. The only reason with the

was

in

life,

No

matter

they communicated their love for

as they expressed their disapproval of things

1

did.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

36

One

of the things

1

had done repeatedly

pheme God. During my home

Ufe

and

my Ufe

in

an

later as

was

blas-

art student,

1

had acquired the habit of swearing profusely. This became an unconscious habit and meant nothing to me. To use vulgar words is

only poor

ways

taste.

an insult

is

to

heavenly company

and Christ Jesus

see

in

To use the name of our Creator.

when we

my

life

I

was

God

in crude or

empty

how it hurt my me blaspheming God

horrified at

witnessed

review.

My life review had begun in my infancy, and it was a joy to my mother and father young and happy, loving their child.

As the

life

there were

moments

of joy

when

I

saw

that

and moments of displeasure when

sionate selfish

review progressed from adolescence into adulthood,

and

cruel.

As

my

adult

life

I

had been compas-

1

saw

that

I

had been

unfolded before us,

my

centered nature predominated, and this greatly displeased divine

company

interest.

1

did very

little

Other peoples needs were

desires. This is

opposed

was not

that

less

to the will of

in

important

God and

is

self-

my

my own selfthan my own

the opposite of

love.

We that

watched

a student

he was having with a

as the student told

me

1

it

was

1

to

girlfriend.

his story

student to leave because student

come

I

had no

me

with a serious problem

We could hear my thoughts

was bored and anxious interest in his

of the utmost importance, but

problem. To the

was

it

gave the student some ill-conceived advice and he

gels

and Jesus were very disappointed

and communicate with

this

in

my

for the

trivial to left.

me.

The an-

failure to care for

young man seeking

help.

God wants

us to be compassionate to one another.

We create The

our eternal judgment by what we do in

truth judges us. In the light of

How many people will cry out

God

there

to Jesus Christ

is

this

world.

no deception.

when

they die and

LIFE

be given a

life

review?

He

REVIEW

will say to

37

them, "You called

me

but

I

When did you show compassion to your brother or sister? When did you love me?" The angels showed me that we do not earn our love of God never

knew

you.

by the things we do. God's love attached.

God

We

there

is

live lovingly

a

way

to

is

because

change our

given without cost or strings

God

loves us so

much. Thank

and be forgiven our mis-

lives

takes.

The next time the angels

1

leave this world,

and Jesus Christ and look

shame and foreboding of what we

1

will

at

my

be able to stand with life

without constant

will see next.

THE PAST AND THE FUTURE

n

my

conversation with Jesus and the angels, they told

about God.

1

God

asked them what

is like

and they

told

me me

God knows

everything that will happen and, more im-

portant,

God knows

everything that could happen.

moment

to the next,

God

this:

..

is

aware of every possible variable of

every event and each outcome.

outcome of every ation. This

will that

God

to

bit of

fulfill.

are

a violation of God's cre-

energy and matter has

own

Every living creature has

and knows

God

created

all

outcome

that the ultimate

Creator's design. Every action serves God's its

its

must be expressed. Each conscious being has

learning to be experienced.

what they

doesn't control or dictate the

which would be

because every

and course

integrity

own own

is

event,

From one

its its

things to be is

part of the

purpose by

fulfilling

nature, including the total range of activity from negative to

positive.

The outcome

will always serve God's ultimate purpose,

no matter how long or how impossible

it

appears to us.

Whether we humans understand why preciate

how

things

happen

is

things

happen or ap-

unimportant because we are not

in control of creation. Creatures are not the Creator,

and

this is

THEPASTANDTHEFUTURE not our world to control.

Our job

a part of the divine plan.

God

and likeness

God

has

ize the past

and future

suffer the

can be

a divine

image

role in the divine plan.

the divine ability to conceptual-

we may

in order that

and allows them

adjust our behavior

God

toward ultimate good.

to further or frustrate the divine will

sees our mistakes

humans

has given

endowed humans with

how we

to discover

is

comprehend our

in order to

39

to

happen knowing we

will

consequences of our mistakes. The Supreme Being sees

our right decisions and enjoys the knowledge that we have taken another step closer to God.

They explained as

we

and

that people experience God's

God

We

our emotions. They told

feels

small children,

the

me

participate in the creation just as

creation

sible.

to

we make

limit the

a

that

we

me when we

them

in

live in

its

God

outcome (our physical

and our

life

experience.

core of our being. effect

has done

Our

on our sphere of

God wants

us to

know

pre-

is

universe).

ability to affect the

governed by God's design. The principle of cause and erns our

have

as safe as pos-

world that has a natural order, that

and very limited

The world

participates in the

dangers that can harm them.

same by creating

dictable

the world around

emotions

world

is

effect

gov-

this to the

very

every thought and every deed has an influence. Negative thoughts

produce

negative actions just as positive thoughts result in positive out-

comes.

When emphatic

1

asked

to tell

to use violence

me: "God hates war.

God

and destructive means

one another. But termined to be

why there had been wars,

at

God war.

has no desire for you

to assert

allows wars to happen

God

The

your

will over

when you

are de-

has influenced you in the course of

your history to find more peaceful methods ferences.

they were quick and

vast majority of wars that

to resolve

your

dif-

you have desired have

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

40

God

not taken place because

subtly influenced people to prevent

when God

war. There have been occasions

consequences of your desire

war

is

and

undesirable,

harmony with one

achieving

let

Every war

for war.

you need

that

has

you

suffer the

a lesson that

is

to learn better

ways of

another.

"The two world wars of the twentieth century were not God's will.

Those wars were not inevitable or necessary. They hap-

pened not because God wanted them, but rather because you

wanted them so intensely

you got what you wanted. The

that

two world wars could have been prevented and should never have happened, but there was a conscious desire by enough people wanting to dominate other people that results of

your

desire.

God

suffers every

God

agony

let

you

suffer the

that people suffer

during war." 1

How

thought:

another

if

we

only

could

to

who

to

my

thought.

and dominance

thousands of years ago. uing desire

continue to

knew how much

They responded killing, violence,

we

make

God

wars.

is

it

war upon one

inflict

hurts

God?

"God wants an end

to war,

now God wanted an end to war

very unhappy with your contin-

God

has ensured that every people

tried to assert control over another people has ultimately

been defeated. The lessons of war have been completely negative,

but people

still

consider war an option.

understand the reasons

for

your differences and

problems with love and support

They

said, "People

God wants you

for

to resolve

to

your

one another."

have tried to hide. their base desire

domination and exploitation through

collective pride

banner of nationalism. This primitive

tribal instinct

for

under the

has blinded

you from seeing the divine within other people. God loves

all

people as God's children and wants every one of you to see every

person as

a child of

God. You are

to resist

and oppose

evil in oth-

THE PAST AND THE FUTURE

and

ers

ways

in yourselves

to resist evil

meant

it

by every means

told to not

You

possible.

by good means rather than

when you were

41

are to find

killing.

God

really

And you have been

kill.

ig-

noring and deceiving yourselves ever since. Of course, you have a right to

defend yourselves and come to the aid of the defense-

There are alternatives

less.

to live in

They made

it

one another,

war

to learn

harmony."

asked again,

1

and God wants you

to killing,

why

then does

"God hates

plain to me:

God will

God

We

not stop us.

allow war to happen?

war."

are

If

we

desire to kill

supposed

to learn that

unacceptable and prevent wars from happening. Wars

is

happen because about

all

before

it

of the spiritual sickness of people.

We are to care

people and be willing to help heal the spiritual sickness leads to the desire to

love aggressively

and care

kill.

The way

to prevent

war

is

to

for all people. Sufficient wealth, food,

and resources

exist for every

because there

is

person in the world. Wars result not

a scarcity of resources,

but because of our desire

God loves more than we love

to possess the resources to the exclusion of others.

every man,

our

own

woman, and

children.

child

God wants

on

this planet

all

people to have food,

meaningful work, and an opportunity truth,

have freedom from

fear,

be creative; to learn the

have self-esteem, be procreative,

community, find complete

live in

to

shelter,

joy, trust in

God, and become

God created us to be. know and do God's will in this

the wonderful people that

Our purpose do

this

when we

is

to

love one another as

God

and most important lesson of our

shaped the past and failed to learn this

this is

what

and we

loves us. Every person

without exception needs to be loved by us. This ficult

life,

life.

is

This

the is

will create the future.

fundamental lesson that

God

most

dif-

what has

We

have

has been teach-

ing us from most religious traditions since the beginning of hu-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

42

man

consciousness. Every religion began with revelations of

God, and in time we have perverted these revelations and

cre-

God

has

ated religious traditions to serve our worst instincts.

given us a revelation of God's will to affirm the worth of every in-

When we

dividual.

traditions that

demean another

torted the will of

God beyond name

of

Holy

God

deny God's

in order to

we

Spirit. All of

to

do harm

we have

people,

do. This

heaven

to

is

horribly dis-

will.

is

This grieves

the unforgivable

horrified

one another. This

by our use is

the worst

we can make.

mistake I

God

anything else that

sin against the

of the

pervert God's will by constructing religious

asked

happen.

We

how God

could

were transported

of freight cars

the Holocaust of

let

World War

to a railway station as a

was being unloaded of

its

human

11

long train

The

cargo.

guards were screaming and beating the people into submission.

The people were Jewish men, women, and from hunger and

they were totally disoriented from the

thirst,

up and

ordeal of being rounded

known

destination.

sent

They believed

camps, and that their submission

was the only way

We

went

on

that they

to

work

guards

where the selection process was taking

and heard the guards talking about

went

to the place the

being loaded into the ovens, and "These are the people

smoke

"the Angel Maker."

We

guards were referring to as "the Angel

Maker," which was a series of ovens.

sky.

were going

to the brutality of the

place

ple being

long journey to an un-

a

to survive.

to the area

Rising out of the

children. Exhausted

God

1

1

saw

began

loves."

naked corpses

to cry Jesus said to

Then he

of the chimneys,

met by thousands

piles of

I

said,

me,

"Look up."

saw hundreds of peo-

of angels taking

them up

into the

There was great joy in the faces of the people, and there ap-

peared to be no trace of

a

memory

of the horrendous suffering

'THEPASTANDTHEFUTURE they had just endured.

How

43

ironic that the guards sarcastically

called the ovens "the Angel Maker."

how God

asked

I

could allow

was not God's

that this

God wants

this

This was an abomination to God.

whom God

had given the law

to the rest of the world. This

light,

to

be an ex-

Holocaust was

breaking God's heart. The anguish that Jesus was suffering

was too much

slaughter of his people

begged that we leave guish

at this horror,

me

tory

it

I

me

for

God was

never forget

will

represents. This

watched us sink

was one

1

an-

of the

history.

to

to intervene to

godlier world.

depths of depravity and cruelty

God had

but this time

When God had

make

intervened in the world

God was going

to

human

change the world.

time that he was giving us the instruments to

events.

and

this: his

very unhappy with the course of

and was going

fore,

to bear,

at the

Why does God let things like this happen? They told

asked.

that

this place.

and what

low points in human I

me

happen. They told

never to happen again. This was the sacrifice of

an innocent people to ample, a

will.

this to

his-

God had

at the

very

the world a

many

times be-

change the course of human

revealed God's

own

heart and

mind by

being present to us in the person of Jesus Christ, the world was being consumed by the tyranny of the of

God

through heart

Roman

Empire. The Spirit

Roman Empire work in the human

revealed in Jesus Christ defeated the love. All of the forces of evil that

had

frustrated the

power of the

Spirit of Christ.

We

gressed back, time after time, to the brutality of the

Empire, except that each time

We

destruction.

given until

had used

The

we

re-

Roman

we had more God-given knowl-

edge that we had used for destruction. of science.

had

God

inspires every insight

this inspiration to further

our means of

God wants

us will not be

great gifts that

are loving

enough

to

to give

handle them.

God wants

to

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

44

give us the

power

the ability to

to control matter

communicate

directly with

through time and space by

to travel

have knowledge by contem-

gifts is

beyond our wildest imagina-

we mature

but they will not be ours until

tion,

our thoughts,

will, to

The power of these

plation.

and energy with our minds,

spiritually

and

can use these powers wisely and lovingly I

asked,

soon.

1

"When

will this be?"

They

said the time

informed them that humankind was no better

we were about

sons of the two world wars and that

is

coming

for the lesto

have an

even worse third world war.

They I

said,

said,

"There will be no more world wars."

"There are forty thousand nuclear weapons aimed and

I ready to be launched any minute. Someone, somewhere,

is

go-

ing to press the button and there will be a nuclear war."

They low

said,

"No, that

is

not going to happen.

God

will not al-

a nuclear war."

God

"Will

reach

down and

grab the missiles to stop them

from exploding?"

God

"No. creature,

is

going to end the Cold War.

and God

will not let the

God

loves every

world be destroyed by people."

"How

is

God

"God

is

changing the hearts of people

going to do that?"

around the

to love

world."

"The Cold

War

won't end for a hundred years,"

"The Cold

War

will

I

was

skeptical.

"The world will

is at

end

"What

1

insisted.

in a couple of years."

will

come

next?"

the beginning of a major transformation.

be a spiritual revolution that will

affect

It

every person in the

world." I

asked what the world would be

place.

like

when

this

change takes

'THEPASTANDTHEFUTURE

45

We were in a beautiful natural wooded setting. human

evidence of

me

intrusion or

was the

that this

and

future,

man-made that

There was no

devices.

we were

They

told

in a garden that

people tended. People came by and talked with one another.

They were dressed simply and wore sembled Native Americans in

exotic ornaments.

their dress.

Everyone spent the majority of

They

re-

asked what they did.

1

with the children,

their time

teaching them about love and the wonders of the natural world.

They all

didn't

make any

distinction

participated in child-rearing

between work and play They

and teaching

as the

tant activity of their lives. People raised food

plants

and communing with them. In

harvest mature fruits and vegetables.

by

sitting

woven

There was very

fibers.

next to

few minutes they could

a

They

ate

what they grew

immediately, without cooking. The clothing was finely

most impor-

little

all

made

of

metal except in the or-

naments. I

asked,

compared will

"Is this

to the

paradise?"

world you

They laughed and

said,

"No, only

world people

live in. In this future

have sickness, but the treatment for disease will always be

successful. People will gather

and through cured.

prayer, touch,

and meditation the disease

will

be

People will grow only enough food for their needs.

Collectively, all the

The climate

will

people of the world will control the weather.

be regulated by the collective will of hu-

mankind. The plants ple. All

around the person in need of help

animals will

will

be loved and raised by individual peo-

harmony with

live in

countless small communities of people

each will have

its

own

identity

and

no need

for devices, since

all

culture.

different languages, but all people will

telepathically There will be

people. There will be

over the world and

There

be able

to

will

will

many

communicate

no technology because

humans

be

there will be

have the power to con-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

46

trol

matter and energy. People will stay within their communities

unless they want to experience

life

in a culture that has different

music, or vegetation, or scientific investigation."

Everybody was a student of nature, which they knew

inti-

mately and with which they could communicate, knowing the

and vibration of every part of

sensations

People

creation.

explored outer space without moving an inch. People

commu-

on Earth and had

relation-

nicated telepathically with everyone ships with intelligent beings

on other worlds. There was no

space travel because there was no need. People stayed put and

shared

life

experiences across galaxies. People valued the

sought the welfare of their community in

its

When someone was

attention

on

would become person was

it

from God. There were no possessions. People

a precious gift

growth.

ex-

knew

perience they had been given in this world because they

was

life

troubled, the

individual.

that

a recluse for as

satisfied that

its

spiritual health

and

community focused

Occasionally an individual

much

he had had

time as needed. all

the

life

When

a

experience he

needed, the community gathered together around him. They had

such

a celebration while to heaven. This

a

person lay

was the cause

down and

his spirit

moved

of great rejoicing. People were

born, grew, learned, and died. They lived to love God, love one another, 1

and love themselves.

was amazed because

like the science fiction

I

I

thought the future world would look

had been

raised on.

The

future that

being shown was completely different from what

I

I

was

expected.

People lived in extreme simplicity and harmony. There was no want. Everyone was happy. There was no conflict. I

asked,

They

"When

said, "In

will this

come about?"

two hundred

years."

'THEPASTANDTHEFUTURE I

contradicted them. "Not in two hundred thousand years.

People are not ready for

this."

They answered, "This manity, and

us to

47

it

live in.

"How

will

happen. This

will

This it

the future that

is

happen?"

They answered, "God

I

is

worldwide conversion. God

hu-

for

God has created for human beings to live."

the world

is

way God

the

is

God wants

created

asked.

changing the world now. is

God wants

going to awaken every person to

who

be the person he or she was created to be. Those God's will shall flourish, and those

who deny

accept

God's love shall

perish."

"Will the United States,"

1

asked, "be the leader of the world

in this change?"

"The United States has been given the opportunity to be the teacher for the world, but

much

much

is

expected of those to

whom

has been given. The United States has been given more of

everything than any country in the history of the world, and

has failed to be generous v^th

its gifts. If

tinues to exploit the rest of the world

world's resources,

it

the United States con-

by greedily consuming the

have God's blessing v^thdrawn. Your

v^ll

country will collapse economically, which will result in chaos. Because of the greedy nature of people, ple killing people for a

it

cup of

gasoline.

you

will

The world

have peo-

v^ll

The

civil

watch

in

horror as your country

is

world

because they have been victims of your

will not intervene

exploitation.

people.

They

The United

will

obliterated

welcome

States

by

must change immediately and become

and generosity

Today the United

is

culture of violence that

rest of the

the annihilation of such selfish

the teacher of goodness States

strife.

to the rest of the world.

the primary merchant of

you export

war and

to the world. This wdll

the

come

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

48

to

an end because you have the seeds of your

own

God

within you. Either you will destroy yourselves or it

an end

to

there

if

destruction will bring

change.

isn't a

"The United States has been given the opportunity to be the

peacemaker of the world. With facturing,

and

medical, agricultural,

manu-

knowledge, America could teach

scientific

fortunate countries

its

how

to give every

less

person food, clothing,

housing, medical care, education, and economic prosperity The

United States has the power to help every person in the world

and hygienic waste

access clean water ple in the

world are dying

United States take

you

know

to

a person in States

for lack of things that

for granted. This is

that every person

wants every person

to

America

disposal. Millions of peo-

is

not God's

God

becoming increasingly

There must be a turning

to

God wants

will.

your brother and

have the same chance has.

people in the

sister.

God

for fulfillment that

sees the people of the United

greedy, self-centered,

and uncaring.

God, or the reign of the United

States

will end."

Since 1985, the Cold

when

I

was

told these things about the future,

War ended with little bloodshed. There have been

signs

of a great spiritual awakening taking place worldwide. Interest in

God,

religion,

life

after

grown dramatically The hasn't

don't

and personal

self-centeredness of

changed appreciably, which

know

doomed

if

is

spirituality has

American culture

cause for grave concern.

the richest country in the history of the world

to lose God's blessing or

States will

God

death,

become

if

we make

the moral light of the world.

right

human events. May

now.

God

is

is

the people of the United

How

allow the injustice to continue? The future

choices

1

long will

lies

in the

intervening in direct ways in

God's will be done on earth as

it is

in heaven.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE

asked,

"What happens when we

DIE

die?"

The following

know

that they have died.

is

the

answer.

When

people die, they don't

The world looks the same alive.

Whatever trauma

vivid

memory. The suffering

cally better

There

to

them, and they

completely

a person experienced in dying is

gone and the person

than he or she ever did in

is

feel

is

only a

feels physi-

life.

disturbing confusion, however, because the individ-

ual cannot interact with other people or his surroundings.

one can hear or see him. Nothing responds

Most people are not ready they have died.

Some people

to die

and

are ready

to her touch. can't accept the fact

and

gerly anticipate the reunion with loved ones

them. This

is

the condition that

makes

No

are relaxed

who

and

ea-

have preceded

their transition beautiful

and advances them toward heaven. After death, not,

depending on

knows what tle to

you

be receptive to God's love or you

how you

have lived your

life.

will

Only God

How we judge people has Uthow God knows us. We judge people by their ac-

is

do with

will

in a person's heart.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

50

tions,

and God knows us by our

God knows that we have.

intentions.

deed, every thought, and every motivation

every If

we

God has sent to us, loved our ourselves, we are drawn toward God. If

have loved God, loved the one that fellow person,

we have selves,

and loved

not loved God, God's Son, our fellow person, or our-

we

are repulsed

tween. Every person

knows

love.

inside

There

is

nothing in be-

whether or not he or she has

God knows.

lived lovingly.

The love

by God's

and the love of self are

of God, the love of neighbor,

in-

separable parts of a whole that cannot be divided. Without the love of God, there cannot be true love of another.

through the overarching

Spirit of

God

person. Love

comes from God, and

in the love of

God

are based

on

that

It

is

only

one can love another

grounded

relationships not

the exploitation of other people.

Only through the love of God can we

see the true value

and

beauty of another person. It is

selves.

impossible to love another person unless

Without the love of God,

human

because every sinfulness.

We

being

is

it is

is

aware of their flawed nature and

can find ourselves truly lovable only by receiving

When

world

is

achieved

when

there

God, love of neighbor, and love of

Our The

our judgment.

lives are

guments,

juries,

Spirit of

there

is

no love of

only the counterfeit love of narcissism, which

gross attempt to prove ourselves lovable. in this

love our-

impossible to love ourselves

the love that our Creator has for us.

God, there

we

and testimony

God

is

is

a

The only authentic love

a balance

between love of

self.

God doesn't need witnesses, arto know the truth of our lives.

that lives with us

is

the spirit of truth,

and

this

•WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE spirit is the

eyes and ears of God. Even

knows

deception, the spirit

A

who

loves

ent

on Gods

love

and mercy

that

we were to

loves

God knows he

A

God knows

live the

that

it is

are blinded

or she

way God

who

it is

is

by

self-

truth.

utterly

depend-

God knows of God and that we have

person

created to be the children

be and to

we

the truth because

person

all failed

if

51

loves

created us.

A person who

only because of and through the great

God that we are raised up from death into new life. Only a person who loves God can accept that God would suffer and die for us so that we may be raised up to life v^th God. God delove of

power of death through God's

feated the is

great love for us. Jesus

God's redemptive act for a fallen world.

When their

a loving person dies,

God

sends angels to escort them on

journey to heaven. Angels are the messengers of God. They

could be relatives or friends, but they will be exactly the right persons

who

The persons

who have gone to heaven before you, will be waitfor you when you die. They will be ready to comfort you and

you long ing

represent God's love to the individual.

escort

for,

you

They

to heaven.

you from the

will take

and transport you

to a

new

reality of this physical universe

reality

where you

get

your

duction to the wonder and power of God. There are as try points into

may be

intro-

many

en-

heaven as there are individuals. Each person

escorted toward heaven according to his or her spiritual level.

first

One person may be

life,

culture,

is

and

in a beautiful field, another

in a magnificent castle, another in a setting similar to

their grandparents'

home. God and the

angels, for the specific

comfort and beginning edification of that person, individually

52

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

create each setting.

It is

how much God

difficult for

and respects our

cares about

The angel guardians begin person that they have

us to understand and believe

and

the world

left

individuality.

the process of explaining to the are beginning

Everything behind was preparation for real

death tion.

actually being

is

born into

a

new

life

What we

Ufe.

God, and eventually we

will

call

beyond our imagina-

We will grow and be transformed. We will meet the

ification of

life.

come

person-

before the very

presence of God.

This

is

in this is

what they a

life. If

person

happens is

to a

who

person

God.

We were

God's will and to for the

God

repelled

created and put in this world to

know

and

To disregard

A person who

us.

life.

Our

angels are the

this is

contempt

indifferent to

God

their lives

throughout

of compassion for

Because of their reverence for God, they cannot impose

them and Gods

more we

are

love.

God and

lives

when we choose

The more we despise our

on our own. Our

to re-

angels, the

desire for self-sufficiency insulates

us from the divine order for our for

all

embodiment

themselves on us or intervene in our ject

is

is

love.

Every person has guardian angels his or her

God

be in-

live accordingly.

light

God

to

of the Universe.

by His

has hated

not ruled by the love of God, he or she

ruled by hatred of God. The greatest hatred of

different to

is

said

God's messengers,

lives.

When we

we grow

realize

in desire

nity to live in the divine order. Love attracts

more

our need

and opportulove

and hate

attracts hate.

A person devoid of the love the journey to heaven.

They

They

are not alone in

of

God cannot be welcomed

are left

life

on

their

after death.

into

own.

They have kindred

•WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE people

spirits,

dred a

like

them who

spirits are their

are waiting for them.

to its

is

a

These kin-

welcoming committee, which takes them on

journey away from the love and

vidual there

53

light of

God. For every

indi-

no

limit

unique journey into the abyss. There

complexity and depths of

son embarks on an unending

On

distress.

life

this

is

journey a per-

without God. Hell

is

separation

from God.

God

Everything good comes from God. Life without every good thing does not

hope, no

lies, life

and

no compassion, no

joy,

God. This

is

There

exist.

no

is

love,

no

when

is

light,

no

and no peace without

truth,

a reality of hate, darkness, despair, suffering, cruelty,

How

fighting.

it is

God

of the individual.

experienced

is

proportionate to the

will not intervene,

and the angels can-

not intervene because this has been the individual's choice.

God

respects our freedom to choose.

For some people lation of their being, still

do not seek

this

if

their

may

after

culminate in the ultimate annihi-

they have existed in this eternity they

way back

to

God. For others there

is

the

possibility of salvation. In the Christian tradition, Jesus Christ

journeyed into the depths of hell and saved

happen

again. But the terrible truth

is

lost souls.

This could

that the deeper people

sink into degradation, the less willing they are to seek salvation.

Many

desire annihilation as relief

God

loves

the darkness. is lost

those

all

God

has emotions, and

God

just telling

They couldn't bear

when one person

is

when one

suffers,

The angels suffered

reject God's love.

God's misery

hell.

people and doesn't desire one to withdraw into

to the darkness.

who

from the torment of

me

soul

about

the thought of

lost in hell.

Even though God does not want one person

to

go to

hell,

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

54

God

Whether we go

to

who

person

will not stop a

heaven or

answer

1

to that question,

determined to go

there.

determined by the choice we

hell is

make. Do we accept God or not?

is

a

If

person doesn't

know

the

he has rejected God.

don't like to talk about the place of eternal torment because of

my own don't

wants

want to

God and

painful experience there. to talk

draw us

that

God

about such a hideous place of suffering.

heaven through

to

love, not fear of punish-

ment. There are two kinds of fear of God.

edgment

God's messengers

God

God and we

is

without God. This fear

is

One

the acknowl-

is

are powerless, or nothing,

awe, or reverence, for God, and

leads

it

us to surrender to and receive God's love, which always leads to

our love

God and

for

to reject God's love.

the answer.

son does

God. The other kind of

it.

God happy,

Why

fear of

God

do we do

this?

they

make

all

of heaven joyous.

It is

difficult to

Our

what God

because of his or her

heaven

God and

the greatest joy in the world

help another person to accept God. happy.

that

imag-

will.

we have chosen God,

alive, utterly

is

person makes the decision to love

according to God's

dividual are

know

don't

know it breaks God's heart every time a perThose who have accepted God's love not only make

rejoices every time a

After

I

be afraid of

only

I

ine with our limited understanding, but the truth

live

to

is

God wants

distinct personalities

loves. Just as

own unique

we choose

and

us to be gifts as

to love a

character, so

is

God

fully

an

life

to

in-

mate

created us

and chooses us because of our uniqueness.

When we journey

to heaven, the very best of

who we

are

is

increased and amplified, and the deficiencies in our character are

washed away

We have to be willing to let go

of our mistakes

and

•WHATHAPPENSWHENWEDIE eager to develop our rification. All of

We

gifts.

55

are not alone in this process of pu-

heaven conspires

to help us

become

perfect sons

and daughters of God. Everyone begins

God

journey toward

their

in their

own way

according to their spiritual need. The paths are unlimited and the

end

which

the same,

is

the presence of

God, who

is

God. Those

is

the image

who

God

is

We

are

God

is

and

the sole

go.

Gods

We

We

and we

all

that

we

an impediment we

do not leave

God

entire reason for

this

lack

we

are supplied,

find our

our very being.

We

One, the cause

world

and everything

that

our questions are answered.

release. All of

spiritually ready to

meet God

is

We

in person,

brings us to God's self in stages.

God we

In our progression toward Activity of

People

re-

is.

Everything

so

we

in

find that our journey

desire nothing other than to be reunited with the

of

God

were made

children, so

the ultimate reality,

completeness, our wholeness in God.

toward

have been with

them wherever they

and likeness of God.

turn to our source.

have been in

the center of heaven, return to the

source of being frequently Those take God's Spirit with

who

God, who

who were

No one created.

This

throughout

all

known

meet the Divine

to Christians as Jesus Christ.

know the Christ as well. not know the mediator of

not Christians must

approaches

God. The Christ

is

will

is

God who does

the creative action

personification

time and space

of

—

by which the world was

God

has

been everywhere

creating, restoring,

and sustain-

ing us in the divine will. The Christ has been in our world and

adopted our in the

raised

so that

human

nature to help return us to God. The Christ,

man Jesus of Nazareth, lived, suffered, died, and was to new life to restore us to God. He has identified with us we can

identify with him. Jesus Christ took

upon himself

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

56

all

of our failings so that

perfect, as

he

us perfect.

We

perfect,

he

He

perfect.

is

we can become

make us

that power, but

like

him

we

retain

rates us

from

us with

God

our identity and unique

God

is

our

own

when we want we become

sense of separateness.

learned our separateness through experience, and

separateness dying

on

like

him, sepa-

What

unites

we

God

our oneness only through the same process. As

be

What

qualities.

awareness of our oneness with God.

is

to

God.

in perfect love of

Gradually, in just the right increments,

while

make

has the power and the desire to

do not have

will

complete, whole, and

We

have

will learn

experienced

a cross in front of a jeering crowd,

we

will

learn our Christ nature in the arms of the saints guiding us

through the journey into the

Anything good verse

is

possible

many

is full

of worlds,

visit

or choose a

might

light of

life

on

far

God.

this

journey

need

their

God. The uni-

superior to the one

in a better

we

left.

world in preparation

our union with God. Some people have that

to

left

We for

behind loved ones

They can

protection and guidance.

live

as

guardian angels for a while as part of their spiritual development.

Some

apprentice themselves to great angels to learn lessons they

missed in

this

heaven are

life.

full

of

Anything good life

is

possible.

The universe and

experiences to teach us about God.

people need time to contemplate, some need are

all

on the

full

of

life

spiritual journey.

than

we can

The universe

is

activity,

Some

and they

more varied and

imagine. All of this richness of experience

can be a growing experience to becoming Christlike,

to

be united

with God. In the center of heaven

number

is

the

One God surrounded by

a vast

of beings that have achieved divinity as the children of

God. None of them dream

for a

moment

that they are

God. They

•WHATHAPPENSWHENWEDIE

57

God. They participate with God

retain their identity united in

in

creation.

The universe

heavenly multitude. orchestra and

God

ture in the in

it is

the activity of

v^as explained to

qualities.

me

that

God and

it

is

an instru-

Each soul contributes of creation. There

is

symphony

are the songs

life

there

their

in

no past or

symphony, only present. The universe and

We

the

like a vast

is

Each individual

the conductor.

symphony

to the

the music.

it is

It

is

ment with unique unique way

because

exists

all

fu-

that

is

sung by heaven. Outside of

is

no

time, space, matter, or energy.

Within the heavenly orchestra

are

all

this

ergy.

Our

of

ultimate destiny

The instrument we play by the bond of love.

is

is

to participate with

are

sic

connected

is

a mistake.

That

by giving

This

is

When we

Gods

one's

why

the preparation

whole

is

so

perfect because they are perIt is

no coincidence and used

as

a

that

God

mu-

form of

children have a place in the choir.

The

in adoration, actively giving

God.

self to

perfect ecstasy

attempt to imagine what this must be

deep inside we are not

power

is

is

to the conductor.

heavenly host resides around praise

and contribute our experience,

called the universal language

worship. All of

God

spirit into the process.

extensive and arduous. Everyone fectly

in creation.

We know our part in the symphony because

our whole being, our

one makes

God

and en-

our being perfectly connected to

we have understood who we

No

time, space, matter,

of Christ,

we

will

ready. But

like,

we know

through the transformative

be made ready in God's time.

The popular images of heaven

that exist today are ridiculous

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

58

compared

to

the

Everything good that was in

heaven

is

in immortal

the ocean watching the

written

is

form so there is

on

any mate-

a spiritual journey. Sitting

embracing

a saint,

heaven. Talking v^th the Christ about his his

by

book

a

time after a long absence

first

and asking him every question and

life

all re-

as Jesus

wonderful answers are

of the joys of heaven.

There

own

our

for

rhythm of the waves, reading

a loved one reunited for the

some

no need

is

by an ancient wise man, talking with

flect life in

was shown.

1

heaven in some form. Everyone

in

Everyone in heaven

rial thing.

heaven that

about

truth

is

no urgency or anxiety about anything.

we

pace, acquiring the wholeness

lack

We move

and

at

relieving

ourselves of our doubts and deficiencies.

As we grow changed. cent.

in our Christ nature,

Our bodies become

light of others.

radiant

and we

We

Communication

is

good, so there

meet and join is

never any

are able to

an exchange of thought, intensity that

happening. They

God's perfect plan

have

left

is

fear, suffering,

can't

feel-

be de-

heaven

is

or anger. People in

and see exactly

left

that in spite of appearances, lives of the

people they

behind.

into the

heaven before choices.

know

unfolding in the

God to help us light and love of God. Those who have gone to us look upon us, praying we will make the right

Heaven looks upon

come

it

together. Everything in

heaven can look back into the world they is

open our-

and receive the

give our light

and love of such intimacy and

scribed. Souls

what

physically

We gradually lose our opaqueness and become translu-

selves to the radiance of others.

ings,

we become

They know

gone from

us.

They

this

world and prays

the grief also

moments, and then we

know

will

we

to

experience because they are

that separation

be reunited

forever.

is

only for a few

They want us

to

'WHATHAPPENSWHENWEDIE make

the

will join

most of the Uves

them

are so joyful.

in heaven.

Our

engaged in

fully

that

The reunions

brief,

the time passes quickly.

life,

mediately and instead there This it

that take place in

world are very

lives in the

we

given so that

and

heaven

we

if

are

The embrace

of

and old friends makes the pain of absence disappear im-

families

use

we have been

59

life

that

God

is

eternal joy.

has given us

is

a precious

gift.

We

are to

wisely because this opportunity to prepare ourselves for

heaven

is

given only once.

No

God does

opportunity again.

olously or arbitrarily

We

one

will ever

not bestow the

are given this

life

be given

gift

of life

this exact

on us

friv-

opportunity to pre-

pare ourselves for our continuing spiritual growth in heaven. Failing to use our

jection of God. is

opportunities wisely and lovingly

life

Throwing

one's

life

away is

not preparation for heaven. The choices

determine whether

we

are candidates for

a rejection of

we make

we know whether we

are going to

don't

know

are in big trouble

you

God

to

us to

come HOME, and God has

show you

the

way home. His name

way immediately

is

Jesus.

sent us

a re-

God and

in this

world

heaven or not. In each

of us

the answer,

is

heaven or not.

and need

Fortunately,

someone

to

If

you

to ask

God wants show us

the

WHY WE ARE THE WAY WE ARE

%

I hen

/ m

I

asked the angels and Jesus

^^^ ^^

^

man one sentence,

is

it

essence of what

I

my experience.

^^^'

^^ ^^^

nature. this:

If

I

God

are the

^°^§ conversation about hu-

^

were

to

summarize everything

much. This

loves us very

learned and what

why we

I

want

This seems so simple, but

to it

is

in

the

communicate from

has tremendous im-

pUcations.

Being children of single

most important

God

that

ence.

has benefits and responsibilities. The

fact of

being God's children

loves us. God's love has

God

are totally

How

ple.

God

is

self-sufficient

no

we compare

are extremely

the love of the Creator

unconditionally with the love of the created tionally.

us,

This

is

who

who

are the

way we

has had an experience of God's love is

needy peo-

who

loves

loves condi-

are.

have no basis for knowing unconditional

God's love

experi-

the dilemma: trying to understand God's love for

and why we

We

human

and doesn't need anything. Humans

dependent on God and we can

parallel in

knowing

is

beyond our

knows

ability to describe or to

love. it is

Anyone

ineffable.

even conceptu-

WHY WE ARE THE WAY WE ARE alize.

Imagine what

would be

it

love from your entire love for us

one intense moment of

It

love. God's

mother nurs-

a glimpse of God's love, look at a

ing her baby This in this world.

compress every feeling of

greater.

is still

you want

If

into

life

like to

61

is

is

as close to the love of

no coincidence

God

that the

as

we

know

will

image of

a

mother

nursing her baby

is

one of the most often depicted images in

God

is

like a

Christian pletely ents.

art.

mother and

dependent on God

To think we are

like the

baby

self-sufficient is

God. This delusion of independence source of

which

sin (that

all

We

father to us.

is

is

are

dependent on

com-

its

par-

what separates us from pride,

and pride

is

the

intentionally separates us from

God).

To

know

We

of independence.

ence of our

we have

God's love,

create our ego in response to the experi-

Ufe. Tragically,

we

often attempt to manipulate is

God

—

against all

people

is

create egos that eUminate our re-

Even people who think they

lationship with God.

poses. This

to rid ourselves of the delusion

God

for their

one of the greatest our

to project

own

are religious

self-centered pur-

travesties that

mean spirit onto God.

the foundation for the beginning of

we commit

God's love for

knowing some-

thing about God's love.

The egocentric view view of God's

love.

tions, religions, or

God

of

is

God

any other

we have

we

we

are

to surrender

are ever to

know

often projected into a tribal

not confined to individuals, institutions.

lective egocentric pride. Since

specific cultures,

is

we

Our

tribes,

cultural bias

is

nacol-

are finite creatures raised in

shaped by our culture. To know God,

our individual and collective pride/ego

if

God's love.

Too often we claim God's love

for

our closed group.

We

ex-

clude everyone outside the group as being outside God's love.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

62

This

opposed

is

we can

God

to God's will.

loves everyone

beyond any-

God

loves atheists, agnostics, murderers,

prostitutes, thieves, drunks,

drug addicts, homeless people, and

thing

imagine.

God abhors behavior that demeans and God loves the person. A parent may raise a child who becomes

liars.

but

destroys godliness,

a criminal,

but the

parent loves the son or daughter and hates the behavior of the offspring.

the evil

God

we

loves us whatever

we

do, but

we do can

give

God

God

The

joy or they can hurt God, and

God

tries to

doesn't control us.

the nature of God's love to

we want

to do.

watches over us, loves us, and people.

not like

do.

God's love allows us to do anything things

God does

let

influence us to be godly

God could

control us, but

it is

us reap the consequences of our

actions.

The angels and Jesus explained is

When a child is born,

like a family.

to

it

As the baby becomes an

from harm and

As the

infant

struggle to

try to teach

to

way: God's love

make

They attend

the

home

to every

infant, the parents

need

keep

it

be aware of the needs of others.

grows and becomes an adolescent, the parents

impose

danger and provide for

it

this

the parents

as safe as possible to protect the baby.

of the baby.

me

on

safe limitations it

with significant

the child's exposure to

life

experiences to equip

it

independent adulthood. Most parents have wished they

could keep their child safe from harm forever. The parent knows that to love

your children, you can only equip them

then out of love child

let

them

go. Parents

no matter what happens. The

for life

and

can never stop loving their

child

becomes an adolescent

and an adult capable of pleasing the parents or disappointing them. The parents try to influence but not control what their mature children do.

WE ARE THE WAY WE ARE

'WHY

God

God

children of God. havior.

The

God

God

courages our

the just

and the unjust

equally.

influences our goodness with blessings and dis-

evil

v^th withdrawal of blessings. Gods blessings

are spiritual. Love, hope, faith,

and

mature

influences us but doesn't control our be-

on

rain falls

are treated like

holds us individually and collectively responsible for

our actions.

gives as

we

has created a world where

63

encouragement

and peace

godly

for

living.

God

Hate, despair, unbelief,

away from God. Wealth,

are the result of turning

strife

are the blessings

power, and status are unimportant to God. These are distractions

from the purpose of our power, and status that love in the world as

God's justice

is

actions in this world

Some people bliss.

we

mix

bliss

bliss

in the next

life.

blessing,

heading toward torment.

God

In the next

which

God wants

is all

allows each of us to choose

and torment, heaven or

and torment.

Gods

consequences of our

moving toward God's

are

to use the wealth,

attained for the reign of

will all reap the

people to come to heaven, but

between

is

in heaven.

and

are

Some people

Each of us

we have

it is

that

lives.

hell. In this

world we can

heaven and

hell are sepa-

God

want anyone

life

rated.

The angels and Jesus to

go

me

to the place of torment.

Why do

make

people

ple reject

God?

we

because stroy

told

God

God

know to

doesn't

would anyone choose

hell?

Why do

peo-

world

hell?

hate one another?

The answer

is,

gave us the godlike abiUty to create and de-

has given us the godlike capacity to become saints or

demons. God has equipped us

My

Why

their lives in this

Why do people

can.

that

to

become whatever we choose.

heavenly teachers stated that we cannot say we don't

the difference. Every person has sufficient spiritual insight

know

the difference.

We

also have

an unlimited capacity

for

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

64

self-deception.

The bad claim they

they are bad. In our hearts

God knows

ceived.

and the good think

are good,

we know what we

are.

God

is

not de-

exactly whether love or hate rules us. Those

ruled by love go toward God, to heaven. Those ruled by hate go to hell.

next

Our

life.

lives are the judge.

What happens

enter eternity

We

create our

love God, they are

drawn

drawn away from God.

fate in the

this

world and

people as they leave

to

between them and God.

is

own

God.

to

If

If

they have striven to

they hate God, they are

too wonderful and too terrible to

It is

We all know in our hearts where we are going We know what we must do to change our des-

speculate further. in the next tiny.

life.

Are we willing to make the change?

God doesn't want anyone and go

in the next,

to

God

calls all people.

God wants

heaven, yet

go away from God. In

to

all

No one

is

this

world

good enough

to

We choose

of us to go to heaven.

between God and separation from God. God's love has given us the freedom

and

ability to choose. God's love will

est sinner in the

world

kindest person to go to to God's love,

we

are

express God's love

manded

to

hell.

choose heaven.

As we

making our is

how we

his disciples to love

heaven. The opposite

is

live in

choice.

allow the great-

God

will allow the

God's love or opposed

The evidence of how we

love one another. Jesus

one another. This

the path to hell.

It's

is

the

com-

way

not complicated.

to

We

know in our hearts where we are going. Heaven is a gift from God we don't deserve, except for God's love for us. Hell is what we desire when we reject God. Our world

is

perspective

on

important.

It is

eternal Ufe.

life is

wrong.

We

think this

life

in the

only important as preparation for our

The only importance

of this

life is

the choice

we

God or not. When we die, our souls leave this world and move into a different dimension or new reality What make

I

to love

i

WHY WE ARE THE WAY WE ARE we have chosen determines whether or torment. Everything

have made.

There

we do

in

that will

life is

65

be a

reality of bliss

a result of the choice

we

We are either moving toward God or away from God.

nothing in between. You cannot be neutral about God.

is

God

To be indecisive about the Universe,

opposition to God. The Creator of

is

Supreme Being, Highest Lord,

not something

is

one can ignore.

When we feel love toward another person, we know When we don't feel love for another person, we know The opit.

it.

posite of love

The opposite

indifference.

is

indifference to God. This pletely as to be indifferent

pure hate. To

is

the

is

of the love of reject

most opposed

to

God

God

so

is

com-

God we can be.

When we are in a loving relationship, we feel all emotions intensely We can scream in anger, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" We can wres-

To be angry with

tle,

God

is different.

argue, plead, laugh, cry, hold,

and push away the person we

are in love with.

Love emotions. ship.

is

an intense, caring relationship that

God

invites us into

God wants

to

elicits

powerful

an intimate and intense relation-

be reconciled to us. The Book of Psalms ex-

presses every conceivable emotion toward God. These songs are prayer, praise,

and laments

God wants mother want

to

God.

us to be happy Doesn't every good father and

their child to

be happy?

God wants the same

for the

God gives us this litde Ufe in the world for us choose whether we will be with God forever or whether we

children of God. to

will

move away from God

and when we go

to eternity

our time in the world

enough I

life

was

to

in the next

we

will

really was.

make our

life.

This

life is

understand

We

how

very brief, very brief

are each given precisely

choice.

told that questions

and doubts

are the

means

to dis-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

66

God

cover the truth.

gave us the power of reason to examine,

question, and test the validity of our thoughts. "Then

become plagued with doubts and

me

that

had chosen indecision

1

choice. This

decision of

not an option

is

life,

whether

indecision?"

my means

as

when

to love

to

asked.

I

to avoid

doubt.

exists?

Doubting God

One who

No

for

We

for

God.

we

are far

God.

that

we

and

and the

a rejection of our Creator

If

to

go

to heaven.

we would become

so that

we were

are not gods.

perfect,

We

have

God

perfect through

we wouldn't have any need

God

and with

in us

us, but

from being God. God knows our deficiency and has

done something

to bring

us

home

to perfection.

God has sent teachers and prophets into the world to show the way to heaven. There have been thousands of teachers all

over the world. There have been world. These have been

God's Spirit to ers

Do we doubt

for giving us birth

one ever born was good enough

our love

God. Can we

loves us.

made us incomplete

us

and respect is

a

God by wallowing in

doubt whether our mother or father

raising us?

making

or not.

are negating

gratitude

told

critical

to the

By perpetually doubting God, we

owe them some

They

most

it

God

We maintain our indifference

comes

why do we

show us

into the

prophets

men and women

sent

all

over the

and inspired by

the way. People have ignored the teach-

and prophets and perverted

God came

many

their message.

world by

filling a

man

man was human in every way -and and Spirit of God in every way Incredibly,

with the

Spirit of

God. This

the perfect love,

will,

this

via the

most humble, impoverished

person came

birth imaginable. His in-

fancy was spent as a refugee. His youth and early adulthood were

spent as a skilled craftsman. pressed country

far

He

lived in

an occupied and op-

from the center of power of the

civilized

i

WHY WE ARE THE WAY WE ARE world.

He

67

taught and healed the sick for three years and was

worst possible death of a criminal. After he

killed, suffering the

was dead and buried, he reappeared many times people. By his death, he conquered the vited

people to eternal

all

The reason he has cause he

is alive,

life

God

with

and

a billion

and

sins

eternal

life

in heaven.

a half followers

complete, and

By

his

one with God.

be-

is

man from God him

the

people forgiveness of their

we could never

at

today

his followers called

offers all

in heaven.

has done for us what fect,

He

the Christ.

hundreds of

of death and in-

speaks, and heals today This

was named Jesus of Nazareth, and

Chosen One,

power

to

and

life

self-sacrifice,

He has made

do.

When we

trust

he

us per-

him, he will

us up to heaven.

raise

Jesus said, trust

"1

am

me, even though they

they are Christians or not

What

and the

the Resurrection

Whether people claim

not what

ultimately important.

is

is

as

ing with the unconditional love of God.

A

and love

important

is

and

his brother

sister

he loved. This

Jesus said,

comes

"1

am

if

to the Father except

lov-

God

unconditionally without being a

one doesn't love

the way,

is

person can love

Christian. Calling oneself a Christian doesn't

lower of Jesus Christ

who

die, will live."

whether one loves

is

Those

life.

and the

as

a fol-

he loved.

truth,

through me."

make one

and the

No

one

Ufe.

No

go to

will

one

God

except through the atonement of Christ, the love of Christ, and

way

the all

of Christ. Jesus' teachings

people.

Humans have

but Jesus came for

cult,

people everywhere in perience this

he

I

all

tried to

all

my

I

make him

time, space, heaven,

was with him, and

best friend.

practice were inclusive of into an exclusive

people, and the Christ reaches to

world or the next. During

is

and

will

I

my

love him.

and

hell.

In

all

my ex-

never be apart from him in

time with Jesus,

I

discovered

REALITY

uring

my

Near-Death Experience,

I

was given the op-

portunity to ask Jesus and the angels a variety of ques-

^ .M^^^^i^

tions.

Where

Question:

Here are some of the answers they gave.

come from?

did the creation

There was never time, space, or matter before God. The angels

God in many ways, but the term most often used is The One. God is The One because God is the source of everything. There is NO THING other than God. Everything came from God refer to

and everything returns

They explained is

Uke an

One

artist

to

who

to

God.

me

in a

to create.

cians, writers,

lovers,

and

God

1

could understand that

God

creates for the sheer pleasure of creating.

of our attributes that

our desire

way

We

is

in the

image and likeness of God

are creative not only as artists,

and performers, but

is

musi-

as parents, workers, healers,

learners.

creates universes,

which

in turn

became

procreative.

REALITY

69

There are countless intelligent beings in the universe we inhabit

and

infinitely

God

is

more

present to

The creation ness

is

is

is this

ways

that he has

in "the

entirely in the nov^ to

moment

God

creation.

We

the creation.

to

God. God's conscious-

and everythmg

God. Our understanding of past

and separateness,

future, space

hends

us.

all

occupy other dimensions.

the entire creation. Everything that was,

that will be,

and

in universes that

is

how God compre-

not

is

incomprehensible to us except in the

chosen

to reveal the true nature of himself to

have been given the

ability to

know God by

know something

intensely about something.

about

We

say

God we

is

love.

The passion we experience

Our

everything.

love

is

is

from God.

learn

how how

to love.

It

takes

to live lovingly

many

When we

Question: Are

We

we

variables.

more than

how

love,

flesh.

is

We

we

experience

infinitely

com-

were created

to

a lifetime of experience to all

the ex-

to love.

physical or spirit?

are the projected children of the

made

to care

music, and so

Every person will be given

periences one needs to learn

is

sharing in God's passion for

God. God loves everything passionately. Love plex because there are so

Love

love chocolate, fishing,

history, a person, cars, gardening, flying, sev^ng,

learn

made

image and likeness of God." The prime characteristic that

allows us to

on.

being

mind

We are the expression of the

of God, the Spirit

Spirit

and ultimately co-

participants of creation in an ever-increasing, ever-expanding, ever-diversified, unceasing

How

does

God

continuum.

God can

create infinitely

create divine Spirit in infinite varieties that have

never existed and are beyond manipulation?

If

you make

a piece

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

70

of art of any inanimate object,

any of

But

Ufe.

its

own.

if

you

just sits there;

it

doesn't have

give birth to a child, the child develops a

becomes

It

it

from you. God has created a uni-

different

verse that not only has sufficient energy, but that also

ing infinitely

more complex every

more varied

in

thought.

God is

terms

of

life

Spirit,

moment,

single

experience,

enjoying being every one of

Gods

becom-

is

richer

and

emotion,

and

creations.

God

delights in every created being thinking about God. Imagine

contemplating yourself from the universe.

Matter

It's

is

God

is

the points of view of everyone in

God through

a state of energy.

vine mind. Energy takes time

being

all

Energy

is

God's creation. a realization of the di-

created in a vibration of the divine mind.

and planning

where

to get energy to a point

brought to a more sophisticated and structured matter.

takes

It

more time and planning

where matter can produce

Question:

Many

Who manages

can be

which

state,

is

to get matter to a point

life.

of this?

of the angels are involved in the organization of the phys-

ical universe.

They cause

matter through will

all

it

It

its

these events to happen; they develop

stages of evolution. There

behind everything that happens. There

is

is

God's

mind and

a great deal of in-

telUgence and will bringing the world into being.

It is

ongoing

every moment.

The function earth

is

of the angels in relation to the evolution of the

a lot like gardening,

you water

it,

you prune the

own. Anyone

with a gentle touch. You plant the seed, plant,

more

it,

but

who gardens knows that the more

allowing the thing to be what the

you tend

effective

you

it

it

has a

in tune

of

life

you

are in

can become, rather than forcing

are in helping

it

develop to

its full

its

it,

potential.

REALITY

Question:

What

Everything

is

the goal of

71

evolution?

life's

mind and God's

a manifestation of God's

is

Living things as opposed to inanimate objects have will in

them. There

A

a stone.

stone

plant

is

of God's

an obvious difference between a plant and

is

an emanation from God, but a plant has the

is

ability to turn, to grow, to

move,

such as an animal,

tive being,

more

will.

reproduce

itself.

A

as different

from

a plant as a

to

is

highly ac-

from a stone. Reasoning beings are as different from non-

reasoning beings as animals are from plants.

The divine special.

There

Spirit that

causes beings to be born

little

divine sparkle

is

and female

through the course of

baby

dies, its soul

bulb of a tulip

whole

fern.

with the soul,

is

When

has to

a fetus.

what

will de-

of

which

the potential,

It's

a

mature

Spirit.

goes back to the source. Inside the

the tulip plant. In the spore of a fern

Everything that fern can be

human

it all

pure

human

makes

human development can become

soul, ready to evolve into a

that

germ

the spiritual

velop into a fully developed soul.

If

very, very

something very wonderful going on in a

is

baby, in the joining of the male

That

is

fetus.

To become

is

there. This

is

is

the

the case

developed as a mature

fully

live experientially

an adult

dies, this

person

that could be learned in the physical.

dancy One doesn't learn

it all

may have

fully fulfilled all

Any more would be redun-

perfectly,

but that

final

honing and

polishing of the spirit will be accomplished outside of the physical.

We are A child

shaped is full

to

develop as spiritual beings.

of potential;

it

hasn't

become

the

ment, the complete, unique, individual, developed, ligent,

spiritual

instrument of God.

If

the

soul

full

instru-

willful, intelfails

in

the

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

72

physical, for whatever reasons,

may come back

will

it

into this physical

come back, which

is

just

go back to the source.

world or another. Were

one of countless

possibilities,

it

It

to

it

would

be more highly developed.

The important thing now.

We

on

are not to rely

a desire to escape

Each moment of our

life

in this

tunity to say "Yes" to God. This

is

the

the day to respond to God's love.

re-creating ourselves in the

not

ago,

and

today

lives

ask him. His

to

do

spirit,

is

He

will

which

is

My

What

is

respond

send his

greater reality.

is

our

lives if

we

the Spirit of Christ, will guide us

we become

spiritual beings. All

our

lives

and

to heaven.

what

ligious mysteries direct us

unaware

by

to God's love

Spirit into

experience with heaven and hell showed

are

God. This

reality?

vastly greater reality than

we

We

to trust

invite the Spirit of Christ Jesus into

we have begun our journey

Question:

moment

the critical oppor-

God has given us a perfect love. He lived two thousand years

reveal God's nature to us as

we have

is

image and likeness of God. This

to instruct us in perfect

and he

world

discover because

difficult to

model

from one's respon-

being God's people, here and now.

sibiUties of

is

and

to realize one's potential here

is

of.

I

that there

is

had previously known. The

toward the true nature of

Religion opens our

When we

me

mind and

face the mysteries of

a

re-

reality that

spirit to the

our existence,

we

can surrender our ego and begin to experience more of the greater reality.

Much

of what has been called supernatural

what we don't understand.

is

only

REALITY

Which

Question: I

73

the best religion?

is

was expecting them

answer with something

to

or Presbyterian or Catholic, or

They answered, "The

Methodist

like

some other denomination.

religion that brings

you

closest

to

God."

Question: But which one

is

that?

There are good people in bad religions and there are bad people

good

in

religions.

It is

do with the

individuals

are a vehicle to take is

you have

to help

If

we

find

God

in

religion they have

you

our being and to

all

been given. Religions

The purpose

to a destination.

a personal relationship

him with

us to love

not so important which religion, but what

of religion

God wants

with God.

know

the truth of God.

an intimate, loving relationship, then we are

going the right way. Too often people find religion to be serving, interested in perpetuating itself lives in

order to be dominant. Religion

God. Religion

God all

in every

and controlling is

is

the love of

word, thought, and deed of the person.

people and

is

people's

only a means to find

not the destination. True religion

is

self-

pleased by religions that seek

him

God

loves

in spirit

and

in truth.

God abhors

the misuse of religion that creates divisiveness

between people,

that justifies violence, that

self-righteousness.

of Christ speaks to

Question:

There

is

nothing.

God all

is far

greater than

people in

all

any

promotes pride religion.

The

in

Spirit

time to draw them to God.

What about atheism? no such thing

God

is

as atheism.

It is

impossible to believe in

the source of everything, so to say that

you don't

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

74

God is just foolishness. People who say they don't beGod are really saying that they are angry with God or that

believe in lieve in

they don't believe in the image of in. If

you

you believe

exist,

in

God

God.

If

they were told to believe

you

you

think,

believe in

God. People are incapable of knowing or having any understanding of

God without

God's self-revelation.

true nature of himself to

many

know God

will

revealed.

Question:

Jesus the Son of

Is

have

God

people.

God

has revealed the

Anyone who

desires to

God?

Jesus said, "Yes."

God came

God's spirit was so complete in the

he was God with

Why

Question:

human hfe through him. human person of Jesus that

into the experience of

us.

did he not do something spectacular to prove

it

to

everyone?

God wants us

to

choose

God freely, without coercion. God doesn't God wants our love and trust,

threaten or need to force our belief. for love alone.

God wants but

is

God

doesn't

us to choose

want

God

devoid of genuine love

slaves in mindless obedience.

freely. is

Behavior that looks religious

abhorrent to God.

God

loves an

honest agnostic more than a religious hypocrite.

Question:

I

asked Jesus: Are the things written about him in the Bible

true?

He

said that the stories in the Bible about Jesus are only a small

sample of

who he

is

and what he has done.

All the

books

in the

REALITY

75

world couldn't contain what he has done. The in the Bible are sufficient for us to sents.

He

the revelation of the

is

he wants us to

know He

times, millions

upon

Why

Question:

be treated the

way

no

barrier or limit.

came

love

Through

unknowable God. That

many

has spoken to

done,

Even

God

to accept

and

I

God if

is

we

you

as

you

good and

this.

willing, eager,

think

many

him and

we have "I

my

are. In

love there

No

we know

forgive

you

that

that nothing can

we do can

matter what

and begging us

nailed

was

evil."

with us,

life

we want

our eyes and says,

you

people in

embraced you and everything

hate,

his brief

unless

what

is

the intimate, personal love of God.

separate us from the love of God. Nothing

from

repre-

he was?

said, "1

—both

know him and what he

did Jesus have to put up with our rejection of

He

are

about him

millions throughout time in our world, so

would know

that people

stories

God

separate us

we have

to turn

back

God

to a tree,

said or to

God.

looks into

you because you do not know what

are doing."

The

love of Jesus

to forgive

is

without recrimination.

us the mistakes and insults

has already forgiven us.

him.

We

can't

knows. He cause he

we have done

ask

him

him, he

to

cannot hurt him except by rejecting

shock him or surprise him because he already

the best friend anyone could possibly ever have be-

is

knows us and

wants what

is

in order for

him

beg him

We

When we

loves us exactly the

best for us.

He

to accept us.

to help us

doesn't

He

tell

way we

us that

may

and only

we must change

loves us just as

change so that we

are

we

are,

and we

be worthy of his love.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

76

Question:

What about

He was very clear He

will reject

people

that they

who

use his

would

name

to teach

regret that they

from his presence anyone

who

hatred?

had done

that.

name

uses his

to

promote hatred. Using the name of God or the name of Jesus Christ to serve one's

own purpose

is

an unforgivable

insult to the

spirit of truth.

Question:

I

asked Jesus: Has he been

to

another world besides

my

world?

He

said he

had been

said that he

beings.

had brought the

Some

him, and

to every

world in every time and space. He revelation of

God

beings had been as stubborn as

many more worlds had

he would come back

to

to all intelligent

we were

to accept

gladly accepted him.

our world in good time

He

said

when we were

ready to accept him.

I

10

THE ARGUMENT

could think of to ask, and they an-

i

asked every question

I

swered every one. They told the world.

-

What

I

me

a shock, since

I

that

1

needed

was hoping

continue our journey to heaven. Jesus would

and

1

would join

Although

I

to return to

that

we would

make me

perfect

my spiritual journey to God. of my imperfection, knew that

the saints in

was painfully aware

Jesus could remove

my

1

by

deficiencies

filling

me

with his love

and knowledge. "I

can't

liness,"

I

go back

ple goodness, love,

do

to

The world

is full

of evil

and ug-

protested.

"The world has

"But

to the world.

I

evil

and ugliness

and beauty

saw mostly the bad

if

in

it,

you seek

in people

but there it,"

is

also

am-

they responded.

and the cruel things they

each other."

"You will find what you look for in people and in the world. If

you

are loving,

see beauty.

What you you

If

you

will find love. If

you pursue goodness, you

are inside will attract the

love, love

you seek beauty, you

comes

to you.

When

will receive

same from

you

will

goodness.

outside.

When

hate, hate finds you."

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

78

"Sometimes people love and they receive hate in return,"

I

argued.

"Love

more powerful than hate and

is

love always wins."

"But good people are killed by evil people."

"How you judge

outcome

the

You judge by appearances. That

thing.

things really are.

not the reality of

You think wealth, possessions, physical

really are.

and long

is

how

not

is

life

Some

are success in

of the people

life.

God

They

how

attractiveness,

don't necessarily

has favored with the

mean

gifts

lives.

When God came

into the

through Jesus, he had none of these things. They are cant

compared

world

growth of the

things,

world

insignifi-

soul. Life in the

not about acquisitions, power, or pleasure. You are

is

given a

to the spiritual

any-

of love,

wisdom, joy, and hope never had wealth, power, material physical beauty, or long

things

life

in the

world

for only

one purpose, which

God. You love God by learning God's

by loving one another. Anything

to love

and doing God's

will

else is

is

will

immaterial to the pur-

pose of your brief Ufe experience in the world."

"How

could

"God has

I

know

many

sent

message that you are demonstrated

this

God's will?"

I

asked.

teachers into the world to teach the

to love

one another.

message by Jesus'

countless examples of people

who

life

have

shared that love with their brothers and every soul

and share truly are

is

the love of

that love with

and

to

God and all

become

in the

God

has clearly

world and by the

known sisters.

God's love and In the center of

the desire to receive God's love

of God's children. To realize

a child of

God

is

who you

the only reason

you

were born into the world." "But

why

don't

we know

that?"

"You have been given the greatest ple.

The abiUty

gift

God

to accept God's love or refuse

gives to his peoit

is

the greatest

THE ARGUMENT freedom and the attribute force love

God

no

loving.

Gods

live in the

Have no expectation

world

to

of reward for part of

love."

doesn't

doesn't

clouds,

"God

will not

is

God do something

doesn't

demand your

it

are

love.

a choice.

not love,

God wants

well that

Why

Love must be

loving. That

to get people's attention?

turn the sky red-orange and write in the

we would know what we

ture of love.

slaves.

God

God do something

'LOVE GOD'?

tacular that

love.

You

Have no assurance of benefit other than becoming

"Why

Why

will not

be freely given and freely

to

strings attached.

learn the true nature of love.

God

gives to any person.

on anyone. True love has

received. Love has

79

supposed

to do?"

That defeats the very na-

You cannot

scare people into

God

submission.

is

doesn't

free to

Every person ever

bom

choose to receive or

want

know

people to freely choose love. You

you have been

so spec-

very

reject God's

has had the same opportunity

Every person has struggled v^th the same choice."

"Why

is it

some than

easier for

choose God's love

when

How

others?

they live in a horrible environment?"

"The environment that a person

is

born into

who

nurture goodness and love, or the people

and

distrust.

come out grow up

The environment

is

is

who

the people

teach hate

not material. Loving people

of the worst slums in the world

in the richest

can a person

homes. Each soul

and hateful people

is free

to choose,

and

the circumstances of their culture can influence them, but they

do not determine what

a person will choose.

of circumstances with the

person

who

rejects love,

most loving parents can produce

ship,

and God whether they have

and every person

is

a

and the worst environment with the

crudest of parents can produce a loving person. the individual

Even the best

free to

It

is

between

a loving relation-

choose no matter what anyone

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

80

God because God

does. People will always be free to reject

given you that

God

has given you the greatest

ture: to

become

You need

of freedom.

gift

understand that

to

God can

gift

has

give to any crea-

become

part of God's love or to not

part of

God's love."

"Why did I choose to reject God's love?" "You know the answer to that already You were the people in authority over your

thing you thought they believed

image of

self in the

person

a

around you. You wanted

You would be

own

"But

if 1

how

all

things.

well that

that

I

will

I

from the people

make

You

worked 1

for you."

make

will

mistakes, like

same mistakes.

the

become your

tried to

1

I

go back

can't

choose to separate myself from God."

will

"When you go

tried to re-create your-

self-sufficient

go back into the world

Maybe

did before.

knowing

at

You

every-

at

be the only center of your universe.

the measure of

Look

god.

to

You were angry

life.

in.

angry with

back, you will

you learn and grow.

If

either perfect or dead.

you

God

didn't

make

make

mistakes. That

mistakes, you

is

how

would be

created a world where you learn by

your experience. The important thing you need

to learn

is

to

stop repeating the same mistakes over and over again. You have

taken pleasure in defeating yourself. spiritually

by

trial

and

error,

God wants you

to

grow

but not to repeat endless cycles of

God wants you and every person to sucgrowth. God wants you to become like the

self-defeating behavior.

ceed in your spiritual Christ, a

son or daughter of God."

"But what

if 1

make

mistakes? Won't

I

be separating myself

from God?"

"When you make a mistake, you need to consider what you did and why you did it. You should seek a better alternative. Tell God in the clearest way you know how what you did, why you

THE ARGUMENT did

and what you

it,

are going to

do about

Gods

God's forgiveness you will receive

erase your mistake from the collective

only

you

if,

81

it.

Before you can ask

forgiveness.

memory of your life

are genuinely ready to be forgiven.

your mistake and

try to

never repeat

God

again.

it

will

and

if,

You must

regret

God wants you

to

succeed."

"How

can

"This

heart,

you

insult to

full

it.

1

am

you ask God

forgiven?"

to forgive

and you mean

it

an

God. Too often people ask forgiveness from God and

re-

of joy

live as if

To doubt or refuse God's forgiveness

they are unforgiven.

and grow into

a

wonderful child of God.

God wants

to carry guilt.

God wants you God

us to develop to our

tential as creative, joyful participants in the creation.

ask God's forgiveness, "If

to

go to heaven,

1

be

doesn't full

po-

When we

given."

it is

1

to

could become the person

God wants me

become." "You

is

from the is

are forgiven.

They

want us

be sure

very important, that you understand God's forgive-

When

ness.

fuse

is

I

aren't

suitable for

life

world, and you the people

ready to go to heaven. You haven't lived a in heaven.

still

have your job

God needs you

"Who am

I

supposed

"Your mother,

bom

to do,

which

to take care of

to love?"

and neighbors

are

your job

to love.

You

to love those people."

them and helping them than

"We do in the

to learn in the

to love."

"You can take care of them. You would do a of loving

is

that

father, sisters, brothers, wife, son, daughter,

students, fellow teachers,

were

You have many things

life

world

ated to do."

love

them and

to care for

1

is

better job

could do."

care for them, but

them. This

much

you

are the

hands

your job that you were cre-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

82

"The world will go on without me.

me

essary for

1

don't see

why

it is

nec-

to live in the world."

"You can save the world." "1

don't think so. I'm

world. People

who

did more

to save the

thought they were going to save the world are

Most of them,

nuts.

nobody and I'm not going

like Hitler

harm than good.

and Napoleon, were maniacs who

How

could

I

save the world?"

"You are to love the person you are with."

"How will that save the world?" "When you love a person, they will love

the next person they

meet, and they will love the next person they meet, and so on."

"What it

comes

if

one of those persons gets run over by

a truck?

Then

an end."

to

"You are not alone in God's plan to save the world. There are

milUons of people loving people." "There are milUons of people hating one another, too." "This

is

God's

will,

and

it

be done. There are

will

many more

angels in the world than people trying to influence people to love

and

care for one another. All heaven prays for the world to

change.

It is

God's will, and God's will be done on earth as

it is

in heaven." "I

don't

know

"You can do "If

you send

able to see

"No, "I

it

can't

you."

because

me

will

be

back, will

like

go back.

will

I

it."

we

you and hear you

have shown me.

"We

it

can do

if I

I

it

was

will help you." it

be

like

I

like

will die in the

was before? Will

I

be

can now?"

before, but

have never

it

we

known

be with you."

love like the love

world from

always be with you as

will

a

we have

broken

you

heart."

always been with

i

THE ARGUMENT "I

know, but

don't exist.

if

I

can't see

you

I

"No.

If

we

"How can

appear,

1

good and bad

it

Ask God

it

will

be very unusual. You can pray and

you

will feel

our love."

pray?"

done, both the

things. Be completely honest with

God. Don't hold

Tell

God knows. You

can't surprise

for forgiveness for the things

forgives you.

Ask God

low God

are close to you.

God. God wants

from you. Trust God. God loves you just

Know God ing you.

know we

God what you have

anything back. to hear

will

are close because

upon God.

"Call

you

ask you to appear to me?"

know we

will

like

our love."

will feel

"Can

be

will

it

heart."

when you

"There will be times

You

you or hear you,

broken

will die of a

1

83

to

fill

to love you.

you. You will

being you.

you have done wrong.

for loving

you with God's

You

know we

"Do you promise

Thank God

for

love.

will feel the love

you and

Be very

still

forgiv-

and

al-

around and inside

are close."

that

you

will always

be with me?"

"We promise." "I

think

Then

1

1

was back

I

could go back to the world

if

you

are with me."

was back.

in the

bed

that

1

had

left earlier.

The pain

1

suffered

before this experience had returned with a vengeance, especially since

1

had come from ecstasy only

was

agony. Beverly

wanted

to tell her

speak because

and

orderlies

1

sitting

to return

next to the bed, and

what had happened

was gasping

came

into the

suddenly

for

air.

to

1

to this

desperately

me, but was unable

to

Immediately, several nurses

room and

sent Beverly out, against

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

84

her vehement protests. They had come to prepare eration that

had long awaited.

I

and they announced

at night,

It

me

for the op-

was now around nine o'clock

that a doctor

had arrived

to

do the

surgery.

They

me

lifted

off the

bed and put me on

a stainless steel

gurney.

Moving aggravated

the excruciating pain

feeling,

and

them

moved my

down what

to

cried, asking

1

upper

really hurt

be more

careful.

They

gown and dry-shaved me from my

hospital

my

to

was already

1

thighs. That

was

re-

chin

was unpleasant enough, but

my

manhandling. They pulled on

their

my privates in orand generally treated me

limbs and stretched them out, they yanked on der to scrape them clean with the razor,

with complete indifference. the people that if

they were

As

1

1

had met

somehow

I

compare them

couldn't help but

in the place of darkness

and wondered

related.

was being pushed on the gurney down the

came alongside and grabbed was going

to

be

fine.

God and

the angels

end

now

just

I

on

my hand.

an injection and

we

1

my

side,

and

hall,

that

my

1

knew

life

me back

that

was not for a

arrived in the operating area,

lost consciousness.

Beverly

told her that everything

was confident because

because they had sent

chance. As soon as

to

1

I

had

at

an

second

was given

11

WAK

right white light shining in

H

staring into the Ughts,

'

my

eyes. Lying

warm soapy

water over

gently scrubbing, then rinsing the suds

cold water. As they repeated this several times,

where

Wide

was.

1

"Am

I

in

heaven or

eyes looked closely at

me

of the shapeless figures rushed

French

to

one another.

1

began

my

on

back

noticed figures standing around

I

me. They were pouring

domen and

UP

N G

I

is

this earth?"

from the masked

away and

1

I

my

ab-

away with

I

wondered

asked myself.

faces.

Then one

heard them speak in

to realize that this

was the world

and they were doctors and nurses.

The nurse was

telling a

doctor that

was impossible and came over closed

my

eyes because

was supposed ering

to

1

felt

was awake. He

to the table

He

my

for her,

face, so

1

although

was lying

on.

when

1

1

berated the nurse for both-

to the other side of the

room. The nurse

my closed eyes. sensed her inches opened my eyes and smiled at her. felt love

bent over and looked into

from

I

said that

uncomfortable seeing him

be unconscious.

him and went back

I

1

1

1

had never met her

before.

She was not

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

86

amused.

Then

1

wished

I

fell

When

was

in

next,

1

I

heaven and not back in the world.

asleep.

awoke

I

over by a truck. There were a

body ached except

my toes.

in a big room. There

was

bandaged from head

to toe.

had happened

accident?

1

tubes in me, and

lot of

lay

had been run

on

a

man on

bed

my

whole

in semidarkness alone

the other side of the room,

How long had

What

he been there?

him? Was he the reason they had waited eleven

to

my surgery?

hours to do

a

my abdomen

felt like

Was he

Could he have been

going to make

it?

1

in a horrible traffic

never found the answers to

these questions.

Was my imagined

compare

it? it

experience with Jesus and the angels Since

to

what

sight, touch, taste,

experience of

it

my

had happened just hours 1

What was

senses.

my life,

my body, 1

body Hours went by while

I

came

1

real?

wanted I

thought about

said, "I love you."

a

huge ocean of

love."

"Lots of people love you." "I

know, but

its all love."

"Yes, dear."

"You just

let

began

I

to

that

1

my life would

all

1

was bask-

with some-

the things

I

had

into the room. She looked so beautiful.

love you."

"It's

knew

to share that love

"Its all love!" "1

I

was emotionally happy

said, "I love you."

She

had

but where to begin? In spite of

my name.

She called

I

and hearing then were more vivid than

ing in feelings of love and

learned. Beverly

before,

or

was now experiencing. The sensations of

have to make changes in the overall ache in

real,

yourself go into the love."

WAKING UP She

said,

"rm

"How

okay, but

you

are

87

feeling?"

you have

go and be

to let

in the love."

"Yes, dear, that's nice."

knew

I

wanted

that

How

was

I

was

going to get her to she believe 1

didn't

saying.

going to

I

tell

let

We

talked a

her what

me? Would anyone

when

it

to

believe

me?

1

How

left.

was

Would

life?

must convince

her.

I

was alone

in the

room

ex-

covered in bandages. The room was dimly

at the foot of

my

bed.

A

He was about

He had

He knew my name and addressed me

lit,

man

young, attractive

five foot

with an athletic build and wearing a short-sleeve collarless white pants, and white shoes.

I

go to the place of torment.

suddenly became very bright.

was standing

while and she

had experienced?

1

The next day was Monday and

man

little

go and allow the love into her

want her or anyone

cept for the

desperately

1

about everything, and she wasn't understand-

to tell her

ing anything

wasn't getting through to her.

I

ten

shirt,

short, light-colored hair.

in English.

1

asked him his

name, which was French, yet he spoke English with an American accent. States, 1

said

wasn't

me he had studied many years in the United then asked how was doing. He was not deceived when was fine. When he asked me again, 1 admitted that doing well. He said he was watching over me and that he He

told

1

1

1

would continue

to

check on

my condition. Then

he added that

might not see him again, but that he would be near that

my

condition improved.

said good-bye.

When

he

We

left,

chatted a bit

the

I

to ensure

more and then he

room darkened

to

its

normal

state.

Right after his departure, a nurse entered the

asked her

who

the

young doctor was who had

room and

just visited

1

me.

She said that her desk was just outside the door and that no one

had been

in recently

I

described the

man who had

just left

and

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

88

she said

desk

was impossible because she had been outside

it

long time.

for a

he was an angel

who had

me

was not

that

1

Tuesday morning

back

to the

wife and other nurses about

knew anything about him.

him, and nobody

assure

my

asked

1

room

I

taken

I

human form

then realized that

to

comfort

had been admitted

surgical recovery area

on

to

Saturday.

mate, Monsieur Fleurin, had been taken away for the sunUt room,

began

1

to despair that

I

the calamity of the perforated stomach.

one would ever believe Jesus and the angels.

I

my journey wanted

to tell

A voice

make

"Get tickets to

said aloud to the

when

I

am

The voice

said,

answered,

I

my

wife what

had hap-

said aloud in the

empty

fly It

home Monday"

was empty

Who

I

go

had spoken?

home Monday

"You will be well enough to go home!"

"How can

answered, "Believe."

A

few hours I

and the meeting with

to stand?"

It

ing time.

Alone in

doubted whether any-

empty room, "How can

weak

too

tests.

it."

looked around the room.

I

I

said,

to

I

I

My room-

would not recover from

to hell

pened, but she seemed to doubt me.

room, "I'm not going

me and

alone.

was taken from the

I

at the

later,

told her to

I

my

believe you?"

wife arrived for the two o'clock

buy plane

tickets for

visit-

Monday morning. We

were going home. Beverly said, "Okay,

I'll

be right back."

This was very strange because hospital for a I

had

wife

is

fifty-six

month, and

I

was

was scheduled

I

still

metal staples holding

a litigation attorney

too

weak

to

called her parents in

this

to get out of bed.

my abdomen

together.

My

and doesn't do things impulsively

But she went to the pay phone in the hall outside

and

be in

Iowa

City,

my room

Iowa. She asked them

if

they

WAKING UP

89

could send two thousand dollars for plane tickets so

come home. They

would have two thousand hour

bank

at a

A

little

from Paris

go

home

in

up

up

in a half

the money. Beverly

came

she was going to get the plane tickets

with two tickets on

after four, Beverly arrived

"Why

that he

two hours.

to Cincinnati,

said,

I

me

told

and would be back

them

Within moments, Beverly's parents called

in Paris.

room and

told

dollars for Beverly to pick

her back and told her where to pick into the

who

called their banker,

we could

TWA

Ohio.

did you do that?

It's

crazy

How am

1

can't use

them?"

going to

week?"

in a

"Do you want me

to return the tickets?"

"No."

"What do you want me "I

to do?"

don't know."

"Why

did you

tell

Why

"I

don't know.

"I

don't know."

Later,

1

me

to

buy them

if

did you do what

asked her again

why

we I

told

you

to do?"

she had bought the tickets, be-

cause this behavior was so unlike her. She said she had been under a strange compulsion.

We kept

the tickets, hoping

we would

use them and not daring to get rid of them.

During the following days,

I

would

ence in the room that instructed me. prayer.

The only time

wasn't nice to

and

use,

that

tell

I

1

talk to the

unseen pres-

know that this was again was when said it

didn't

heard that voice

I

us to buy plane tickets

we wouldn't be

we'd had to borrow the money from

able to

my wife's

par-

ents.

The voice

said, "Believe!"

Wednesday, the intravenous tubes came out of tube came out of

my

throat.

One

night

1

my arms. The

pulled the drain tubes

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

90

my

out of

On

abdomen.

Friday they took out half the staples,

and the remainder were removed on Saturday high

but

fever,

didn't

it

The eighteen-inch

mometer or

40 degrees

The nurse

in the sun,

washed

in a

was

1

I

1

was

which

was because

it

1

well. Saturday

centigrade,

had not done.

was

ripe.

toiletry articles.

walk exhausted me.

knew

which

week and

and shoes and

1

said

a

concern the doctor or nurses.

to

was healing

incision

perature was almost Fahrenheit.

seem

was running

I

certain

1

had

1

tem-

104 degrees the ther-

left

hadn't been shaved

1

Beverly brought

was

1

is

my

my clothes

weak,

feeling so

a short

wasn't getting better. In

fact,

getting sicker.

On Sunday morning

1

felt

good, so

a bath using the sink in the room.

my

body, brushed

the clothes Beverly

teeth,

1

I

up and gave myself

got

washed

and shaved

my

my

hair,

a week's growth.

had brought me and

I

entire

put on wait

sat in the chair to

for her.

When bye

to

she arrived,

said, "I'm

Monsieur Fleurin,

words were,

know

I

"It

who had been

walked

nounced

that

I

We

said good-

so kind. His parting

has been good to see your renaissance.

the word, renaissance?

We

ready to go."

Au

revoir."

to the nurse's station

was leaving the

down

hospital.

the hall

that there

I

and an-

The nurse was aston-

When he arrived, he said that was informed him in my most authoritative manner

ished and ran to get a doctor.

not discharged.

Do you

must be

a

I

mistake because

I

was discharged and was

leaving immediately. To our surprise, he agreed and went to

out

my discharge

papers. In a few minutes

we were on

fill

the street

hailing a taxi to take us to the hotel.

That afternoon and evening in the hotel,

I

everything that had happened in heaven and

accepted or not the

fact of

my

experience

I

told

my wife about

hell.

Whether she

wasn't certain, but

WAKING UP she was convinced that for

1

believed what

hours into the night, going over

ence

when

1

left

morning we went United

for the

business-class tickets.

out under

was

I

telling her.

my

the details of

all

talked

I

experi-

was dying.

Early in the

and

91

five blankets. It

de Gaulle Airport

Beverly had wisely purchased

States.

The

to Charles

and

seat fully reclined

was spread

1

was evident from the looks of the ad-

jacent passengers that they were uncomfortable being next to a

man who

looked as sick as

Airport in

New

was.

1

Our

hours, and sitting in the wheelchair Beverly said that

went

we had

to

God

flight

to give

Cincinnati and home. 1

was going

Early the next

to

1

me

the strength to get

We

it.

morning we went

home, where our family

refused.

my I

went home and

came

the flight to

1

went

to bed.

to St. Luke's Hospital near

said, "I don't

face

plane in Cincinnati and

doctor, Dr. Grover,

He examined me and

I

home.

we boarded

off the

make

to feel very bad.

and splashed cold water on

walked

make

to

JFK

was delayed by four

began

I

out of the restroom revived, and soon

knew

me

better go to a hospital, but

into the restroom

and prayed

arrived at

York, Beverly got a wheelchair for

the journey to the next terminal.

1

When we

was waiting

for

our

me.

know how you made

it

here!" "I

have powerful friends,"

He admitted me

My

list.

1

said.

to the hospital

and

1

was put on the

diagnosis was double pneumonia, collapsed lung, ex-

treme peritonitis, and non-A non-B hepatitis. a distended

ined

critical

1

had

a

high

fever,

abdomen, and was jaundiced. Many doctors exam-

me and began

treating

me

with large doses of antibiotics

and respiratory therapy

My

condition was worsening

few days. After an examination,

when

all

Dr. Linne arrived after a

the bags of intravenous

med-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

92

were removed and new bags of antibiotics were hung.

icine

me

asked the nurse what they were and she told

most powerful new

antibiotics available.

the massive doses of antibiotics stroy the kidneys, but given

made

the decision that

determined that

I

was too weak

The

It

looked

incision split

open and

time of day

it

it

I

But whenever

was very

perately

needed

them

that

I

jaundiced

Many felt like I

couldn't watch tele-

said.

that

had

desperately

1

hell,

1

I

and

life af1

be-

not talk about

both wanted to share and des-

I

had happened wanted

to

to

me.

I

hug them and

felt tell

God loved them. When doctors them how much God loved them

1

would

tell

were God's instruments

found out

room and

1

knew what

about these things,

my family insisted

everyone that

for

never

people spoke to me,

tried to talk

I

later

man

for healing.

from some of the nurses

of the hospital because of ill,

I

I

disori-

loved them and that

that they I

When

frustrated since

and nurses came, and

of the week.

to process all that

such strong love

weak and

about God, Jesus, heaven,

came very emotional and them.

to clean out

out.

increasingly

day and night,

confused me.

to tell people

ter death.

off

oozed

comprehending what they

great difficulty

wanted

foul liquids

was or what day

vision because

undergo surgery

woman seven months pregnant.

became

I

on and

ented. Sleeping

The surgeons had

the risk.

my abdomen. My stomach swelled with

like that of a

During those weeks

Linne had

critical situation, Dr.

to

later that

was being given could de-

I

was worth

it

the massive infection in infection.

my

they were the

found out

1

I

my

that

1

was the joke

ramblings. Here was this critically

who

professing love to anybody

entered the

constantly babbling about angels, heaven, and God.

times during these five weeks

was going

to die.

but privately they told

my

at St.

The doctors always

Luke's Hospital,

me was fine, know whether I

told

wife that they didn't

I

I

WAKING UP would make

him not

year-old son and told see

me

and

die

thought

I

was going

I

me.

to visit

confused and often agitated with sight, too.

one point

to the next day. At

it

93

visitors.

derstand what anyone said to me.

and

knew

I

disconnected from the world. Inside,

I

but nobody would

would

I

room would

fill

when

with radiant white

1

was awake, and

God was watching

that

was becoming

my

Near-

to talk

about

I

was awake,

believ-

into the room.

my

bed. This hap-

was amazed by the

1

me

over me.

I

The

and the most beautiful

light,

appearance. The angel would assure

and

came

die soon, an angel

pened only when

I

wanted

luminous angel would appear by

figure of a

eye-

could hardly un-

that

I

my

listen.

Several times during this period,

ing that

1

to

was always

1

was going over

Death Experience every waking moment. it,

day

was losing

1

fifteen-

want him

didn't

I

my

called

to die that

couldn't read or see clearly,

1

I

that

I

was going

angel's

to live

would immediately

feel

better physically

and emotionally. The angel never came when

someone

in the

rived. ter

A

else

was

room and always come

nurse would often

an angel had departed.

down my

running just

been

in the

me

to get

some

face,

me

sponse.

rest;

Dr. Linne

knew

I

1

af-

up

sitting

tell

in bed, tears

her that an angel had

they didn't believe me.

was

doctors said

God was I

would

room immediately

alive

also

1

tell

knew

was because the angels were

heal.

When the because

I

ar-

before

room. The nurses would always laugh and

that the only reason

helping

and

into the

would be

I

someone

left

was

getting better,

I

told

them

it

helping me. They were noncommittal in

wanted them

was

1

to

was re-

pray with me, but they were too busy

the only doctor

who would

listen to

me

talk

about

God's love.

The doctors began

to tell

me

that

it

was

a miracle

1

was

alive.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

94

I

told

them

it

was

truly a miracle because

the antibiotics and care that

cally

understand the

God had given people healing power.

did

knew

it. 1

that

part of God's

men and women to scientifimechanics of the human body and disease,

God had

healing love. As

God

was receiving were

I

inspired

the compassion to be instruments of God's

Whether they knew

it

or not, the doctors and

nurses were Christ's hands restoring health to the sick and

life

to

the dying.

Frequently

because

1

1

was

offered pain medication, but

was already confused and

detached from

reality

1

didn't

was haunted by

The

would ever

I

get

When

in the

and

I

was becoming

room,

I

become more becoming

did not

know

a regular event,

was praying

people would come into the room,

sitized to their feelings.

to

it

to normal.

visitation of the angels

and when they weren't

1

back

want

the anxiety of

increasingly detached from the world,

whether

always refused

I

I

to

God.

was highly sen-

There were a number of occasions

when

could see supernatural beings floating around them and some-

times through them. These beings ranged from light to dark, and

from malevolent these things

1

to benevolent.

was

seeing.

On

people in the room about their ing oppressed.

It

became

a

I

had no idea what

few occasions

me

that

my

these people very uncomfortable. Apparently

abiUty to see a dimension of reaUty that

because ister to

No I

I

was so

ill

and vulnerable,

do with

tried to ask the

and whether they were

lives

clear to

I

to

I

is

1

inquiries

feel-

made

had acquired the

not normally seen. But

wasn't in a position to min-

other people.

chaplain or psychiatrist ever came to see me.

thought about requesting a

visit

Many

but was afraid to because

times I

did

WAKING UP

know

not

if

95

anyone could handle what

I

wanted

had become acutely aware of peoples reactions that

I

did

them, and of their

tell

and vulnerable several

to argue

months, when

courage

I

to the I

I

little bit

was too weak

my sanity It was only after regained my strength, that had the

and defend had

—and stamina—

happened

total disbelief.

them.

to tell

1

to begin to

tell

people about what had

me.

to

Over the years many people have shared Experiences with me,

many

of

Most of these people have

their

Near-Death

which were negative experiences.

told

me

that they

have not

really

shared their experiences with anyone because of the shame and ridicule they felt

on

the

number

experiences,

it

when

they did attempt to

of people

who

have told

tell

me

appears that these are not

about them. Based

about their negative

uncommon, and

it is

highly unlikely that anyone will ever hear about them. Since

people

who

have had Near-Death Experiences need

this information,

telling

it

to a

and the best way

nonjudgmental

in the helping professions,

and

psychiatrists, to

for

them

to process

listener, there is a

such as

to process

need

for

it

is

by

people

clergy, psychologists, doctors,

encourage people to share their stories with-

out being judged or ridiculed.

12

AND CLARENCE

LISA

^

'

uring those the critical

.^.^,^ to

had been this

my

five

weeks

at St. Luke's Hospital,

most of the

list

time.

had

a

job to do in

world was too hard.

I

was losing

I

and

to

world?

was

in constant pain.

pain, they gave

this

my

me

When

I

I

world, but living in

be in

I

this

complained about the it

had

I

go home,

abiUty to see, to hear,

medication that made

Thinking was the only faculty that

to

was on

saints in heaven.

communicate. What good would

to walk, I

wanted

home with God and the

irut

told that

I

1

impossible to think. left;

losing that

was

worse than suffering the pain.

When the pain became so bad that God

pray to relief

to give

me

from pain, the

prayer

I

relief.

faster

it

I

couldn't bear

The more

I

would go

it, 1

would

practiced praying for away.

The method

of

developed began with an address to God.

"God, you are everything and

all

that

is.

You

are goodness,

am nothing except that you made me and love me. You saved me from death and the place of torment. You came to me and healed me. know you as you were when you lived in this world and you truth, light,

I

and

love.

You know

all

and you love me.

I

AND CLARENCE

LISA

know all

me

about suffering because you have suffered. Have pity on

because "I

want

know how

am

I

do

to it

tries to

my life away your

I

am

but

I

don't

caught up in

convince

my hope

and drowns

It tells

I

my joy.

It is

steal-

from you. This suffering has no purpose except

name

love. In the

me and

pain from

to be,

me belong to it. It tells me me that you don't love me or

me.

at

care about me. Pain kills

to seek

me

Only you can show me.

it.

screams It

I

weak.

be the person you created

to

my pain and am nothing. ing

97

me

give

even though they laugh

peace.

me.

at

of Jesus,

It

1

beg you

1

will tell of

to take this

your goodness

doesn't matter because

you

are

God. "I

thank you and love you because you hear

you know the

with

Thank you

me. Thank you

for loving

for Jesus.

Thank you

After praying like this, it

to

I

know my

be

and

alive

was gone.

It

for Jesus

could

I

for

being

my

feel the

who you

prayer and

it

pain slowly decrease

always worked, sometimes more quickly

would be

could and would help

I

my mind on

I

difficult to

me

I

spent most of

defeat the pain

if

fervently until

time doing

would ask God's help and completely dependent on

knew he

could persevere and

I

it

that.

it

When

was gone. Some days the pain

would go away

God

for every

I

came back,

learned that

moment

Every breath, every thought, every sensation was

God.

I

pain medication, and whenever pain

all

would pray

my

focus on God. But

my

him.

continued to refuse

overtook me,

are.

friend."

than other times. Often the intense pain would interrupt

focus

and

joy.

"Thank you

until

more than

heart even

You can do anything and you want me

heart. filled

my

secrets of

my prayers,

of

I

my

a gift

I

was life.

from

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

98

I

would

tell

loves us very

anyone who would

much. Just ask Jesus and he

Everyone seemed Lisa

was

worked

and

tell

to find this comical

will

God

so good.

is

come

—except

to you."

for Lisa.

how good God

is.

She

She would come into

shift.

middle of the night, and

in the

her

"God

a recently graduated nurse in her early twenties.

the 11:00 p.m. to 7:00 a.m.

my room

listen,

would be awake

1

She knew God, and she encour-

aged me. Since entering I

was on

Uquid

a

Whenever

diet,

losing weight.

my

I

1

I

hadn't been able to

I

which consisted of broth,

tried to eat or

1

olently nauseous.

time in

Luke's Hospital,

St.

even sip a drop of water

was being given

could count

life, 1

I

and Jell-0.

became

my

to 168.

was

For the

first

but

ribs.

tried to eat but couldn't, despite the valiant attempts of

caretakers to get

shakes.

me

told her

I

1

to.

One

used

night Lisa asked

drink them

to

thought of a milk shake made

make me

ing to

plement and

1

me

milk shake with

a

was going

to drink

sick.

all

me

if 1

my

liked milk

the time, but the

She said that she was go-

real ice it. 1

vi-

1

fluid intravenously,

had gone from 235 pounds

adult

tea,

eat.

cream and protein sup-

told her

it

would make me

throw up. She

said,

"You will drink

it

because

am

1

going to make

it

with love." 1

was wasting her

told her she

Ten minutes shake.

I

She

told her said, "I

How

could

later 1

1

she returned with a huge chocolate milk

couldn't drink

made

time.

this

refuse?

so good. Lisa stood over

it.

with love for you. I

started sipping

me while

I

Now start drinking."

on the straw

1

ate

tasted

slowly drank the whole milk

shake. She just smiled and encouraged me.

problems. The next morning

It

1

didn't have

my Uquid breakfast

any

and asked

LlbAANDCLARENCE From

for toast.

As

solid foods. Lisa

day on,

that

ate,

1

There

healing as

is

power

the

in

man

he

came back. I

couldn't refuse, love. She

had

eat because she believed in God's

my mind

that she contributed to

my room was a who had

in restraints because

anyone

bit

to

She listened

to

my

me and

Lisa believed in

of Love.

in his seventies

was kept

and soon graduated

communicate with me. And

to

Across the hall from a

to eat

as the doctors' medicine.

how

understood

that

make me

no doubt

much

began

strength

had used the word

the determination to love.

my

I

99

who

named

patient

Clarence,

severe Alzheimer's disease.

He

he was violent and unpredictable;

got too close.

Clarence was also a screamer. Especially during the night he

would

howling

start

word from him, making

all

like

an animal.

just screams

his noise in the

1

never heard an intelligible

and howls.

One

I

was going

night he

and prayed ing.

God would make him

prayed that

at

it

so kind to me.

stop howling. stop.

1

prayed

God how such

a thing

could happen to a

you know I'm

still

I

They

you're alive.

He was

me? I'm trapped

still

back, "Clarence,

state.

God

told

man that me to lis-

concentrated on his howling and then

1

body, but I'm

He

who were

him and he kept on scream-

stood what he was saying.

know

hated him be-

silence

ten to Clarence.

the hospital.

for

I

and would not

he would be reduced to such an animal

this

him

to hate

God would

that

asked

began

middle of the night.

cause he bit the nurses, the same nurses I

1

screaming, "I'm inside, buried

I

know

Don't

deep down 1

in

yelled

you're there! You're sick in

are trying to help you. Let I

under-

alive!

me. Can't somebody help me?" So

hear you!

1

them help you.

1

hear you!"

quieted down.

Whenever he would

start yelling,

1

would

talk to

him from

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

100

across the hall

body

to

and he would quiet down. He

know he was

wanted some-

just

alive.

mind

Clarence was locked inside a body and a ing rapidly. All that he ever was

were

that

fail-

lived inside of him; however,

still

biochemical processes prevented him from expressing himself.

What was

expressed was frustration, anger, and sometimes res-

ignation.

From

him

I

that

across the hall,

knew he

existed

One need

night

to urinate.

1

empathized with him. What a

running out of control.

is

had

1

I

be trapped inside a mechanism that doesn't

terrible existence, to

respond and that

and

talked to Clarence and assured

I

filled

pressed the

call

button for the nurse. After

minutes there was no response, so

was no response. beating on

it

I

I

pressed

kept hammering the

would convey

and had an urgent

the urine bottle

my

call

it

again.

calling for half

Again there

button, thinking that

emergency.

Eventually Lisa came into the room. Agitated,

been

five

1

told her

an hour and had spilled urine

all

I

had

over the

bed. She apologized for not responding and said that they'd had a "code blue" across the hall.

I

asked

she said no: they had worked on didn't

make

it.

1

was ashamed of

Lisa stripped the

me and

tucked

me

if

him

my

in to go to sleep. I

the nurses, orderlies, housekeepers,

for half

had

lived,

and

an hour, but he

anger.

bed and remade

cheerful, as compassionate as Lisa?

the patient

it

with

Would

me in it. I

She bathed

ever be as good, as

thanked God

and doctors

for

her and

all

whom God had

given the heart of compassion to be his instruments of healing.

Simple acts of kindness are as important to wellness as are the medical procedures.

13

SENT BACK

was very weak

When ing my

I

ery,

1

seven months following the surgery.

for

work

eventually returned to art classes

My

given back. Physically and spiritually

rocked the foundations of

1

such I

that

had as:

a

my

What had

Was

All

dream.

it

my life When

what

up. I'd

be

critical

did

1

that

1

had been

Ufe

was born

1

lost

and

again. This

had previously believed, de-

rebuilt.

questions that

happened

know

it

to

1

needed

Why

me?

was not

1

My

had had dreams, but had far

a nightmare,

a

to answer,

me? What was

dream or hallucina-

experience was not a

would wake up. The

dreams had always had

my

it

was

experi1

never

a sense of the surreal, but

"death" seemed

ing awake. Rather than surreal,

my

1

this

worse than any nightmare, but there

experienced after

perience,

1

time of recov-

this

real?

ence in hell was

woke

all

life

really

How

going to do?

tion?

entire

myriad of

January 1986, teach-

exhausted me. During

thought, studied, and prayed.

manding

in

more

super-real.

real

During

than bethat ex-

senses increased from above-normal to levels of

sensation that are

beyond explanation.

I

was more

alive in ever}^

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

102

meaning of the word than the experience. There I

had been before or have been since

I

no comparison between any dream

is

know and my Near-Death Could

have been a psychotic episode brought about by

this

the extreme physical trauma of dying?

question until

this

state

Experience.

was resolved by

it

tively refute the explanation of

became obsessed with

I

several facts that collec-

trauma-induced hallucination.

Before the experience, anxiety and depression had spoiled

my life.

justified

I

was the only

no

miracles,

life after

born into an

vival

mind

state of

and

There

is

death,

random

utterly

dies.

Why not

die?

Too

times

chickened out before

did

1

ninety miles per hour late

never quite do

it

it.

will all

little

drank alcohol. At every

good

more you

time.

it.

my

1

angels, to

life.

but

life,

down

Driving

kept on

living.

1

1

would have

my

life.

In order to be

1

could

happy

I

was the means

drink, the better to

at

the courage.

social occasion, drinking

more you need

always

head into the

be over in a second, oblivion!

joy in

no

One

highway

the

at night, thinking: just

The more you

drink, the

no

the point of living?

afraid to die,

Maybe one day

There was very

Christ,

What was

had considered ending

1

bridge piers and

no

universe; one struggles for sur-

one

none.

hell,

had believed

I

and no ultimate meaning

pleasure, then

Many

to a

a realist could have.

was no God, no heaven, no

there

is

my melancholia by convincing myself that this

you

feel.

The

drink to get that high.

Booze was happiness and lack of booze was melancholy. Alcohol use

is

encouraged in our

was expected

society. In the circles that

to drink at social occasions.

the evening, getting together at someone's tion, visiting relatives,

occasions were

was supposed

all

A

party,

I

ran

in,

one

going out for

home, going on vaca-

having dinner, sporting events, and other

accompanied by drinking. The only time one

to not drink

was

at

work.

SENTBACK

my

After

was

experience,

quit drinking.

I

was happy and knew

I

happiness. Alcohol

is

103

The primary reason

would rob me

that alcohol

have a joy in

I

my

a depressant that depressed people take to

anesthetize themselves from their depression.

cause

of

my life that

I

want

need

don't

1

it

be-

Alcohol degrades

to keep.

that sense of well-being with a counterfeit sense of well-being

leading to depression in a vicious cycle.

My experience didn't frighten me out of drinking. the

need

to drink.

What kind

After the experience,

who

the world

As

given.

Bible,

and most

Gospel stories about Jesus Christ.

and shout

to

my

thought

I

world. Every

word spoke

I

Bible. Millions of

God

that

I

I

would read

family, "This is exactly

me on

to

Bible resonated with the truth as

dawned on me

God

I

a

1

had been

greatest

book

person

it.

more

After

enthusiastic

side, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

but do If

we

my

beliefs

I

God

It is

1

men and

like discovering a

read the

magnificent jewel unSpirit to us,

Are we thirsting for the truth? 1

shared the same

with a billion living Christians and bilUons

and believed before our time, then we it.

1

speaks directly to you. You shout in-

experience was a hallucination, and

nation. So be

weeks

became. Frequently when reading

have found that the Bible speaks God's

listen?

The

to discover the

thousands of years ago. The more

the Bible, the Spirit of

expectedly

in the

people read the Bible and find the truth there.

as written

Bible, the

from

level.

speaks directly to us through the testimony of

women

told

what they were

deep personal

first

had been

a passage

had been given

was not the

I

in

particularly with the

had discovered the

teaching me!"

it

was the only person

found everything that

I

was consistent with the

the Bible

if 1

believed the understanding of

read the Bible,

I

removed

of hallucination heals the soul?

wondered

1

It

all

who had

had the same

lived

halluci-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

104

kindred

spirits.

monk knew and communicated level.

Our

lives couldn't

He was

brothers.

When duced Scott

How

could never hope to express.

1

I

He was

not psychotic.

returned to teaching

to

interest

Millions of people have

my my

experience.

There

was not

and

a

is

was

intro-

Services Department, Dr.

me

introduced

to literature

meeting of the International

a

my own

1

found complete ac-

Near-Death Experience.

similar experiences,

1

thank

which validated

me process help me grow

it is

ing

my

my

life,

1

a miracle that

When

1

know my

experience

should have died on June

have told I

me

survived.

1

that,

under

owe my

life,

called out to Jesus to please

hope,

joy, peace,

and

crisis.

love. This

How can

certainly cannot pretend that

misery.

turned

done the same

One

I

was dying. Jesus Christ came and rescued me and gave

midst of an extreme medical I

why

didn't. Several doctors

I

chance, to God.

Ufe, faith,

away?

sending him to

product of my imagination.

my second 1

for

in understanding.

the circumstances,

save me,

God

one overriding reason

1985, but

me

had

1

experience. Scott spent countless hours helping

spiritually

1,

in

spiritual

brilUant.

Association for Near-Death Studies. There

and

we were

studying Near-Death Experiences

friends. Scott

on NDEs and took me

way

in a

a deeply personal

at the university,

Human

Quimby He had been

and we quickly became

me on

to

God

strange that a Trappist

be more dissimilar, yet

to a professor in the

ceptance

He could

Merton's books were like milk to me.

our struggle with an understanding of

articulate

that

Thomas Merton and found

read other Christian writers like

I

of the

It's

around, and gave

me

it.

a

in the

anyone explain

fabricated a

preposterous to suggest

me for

1

happened

God

new

new

life

that

dur-

intervened in

spirit.

God

has

miUions of people.

many

benefits of

my

experience was that, before

SENT BACK

105

reading the Bible or any other book on Christianity,

had been

I

given a seminary education in Christian theology in talking with Jesus and the angels. so

had never read anything on the

1

was surprising and

it

plex topic before

whom

1

met

dying in a French hospital.

Seminary

a joy

was

it

When

my

1

went

what

knowledge

had been taught during

It

The

means there

know

gift

of

to trust

is

knowledge God, and

my

I

is

gives one courage to

without

well.

What in

to find

Near-Death Experience theology.

gift

It

was

how

living

without

life

with

faith in

also

I

Faith

faith.

fully,

faith is infinitely

God. Having

faith

do things one would never do, and the pahope when you

things will turn out. Faith gives joy

bleak. Life with faith in

faith that

of

have been given that assurance so

tience to endure the unendurable. Faith gives

is

me

had been given

1

only a part of the

doubt God. Living

to

more rewarding than

everything

was

I

without struggling for the answers.

no reason

haven't a clue

while

gift

was reassuring

was consistent with contemporary Christian helpful to

sound grasp

United Theological

to

theology "lessons" served

to explore the earlier

1

com-

this

study to obtain the Master

greater depth with experts in the field. that

my

given this as a

for three years of graduate

of Divinity degree,

understood

experience remarked on

knew 1 had been

I

1

picked up a book on the subject. Clergy

I

after the

and

of theology,

delightful that

subject,

God

recommend anyone

is

when

so superior to

to seek faith

life

above

all

other things.

Another reason Experience in

my

is

the

I

trusted the validity of

years since.

safe

Near-Death

numerous encounters with supernatural beings 1

have mentioned a few of these visitations in

other chapters. Their timely help has kept

and

my

me on

the right path

from harm.

For example, a year

after the experience,

1

was dri\dng

into

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

106

on

the city

made

The

a bright, clear day.

exit

ramp

off the

freeway

a long curving entrance directly into the center of

town. The

traffic light

was green

proceed through the intersection.

for

my

was

I

down-

direction of traffic to

traveling at thirty miles

an hour and there were no other cars in sight except one that had proceeded through the intersection before me. About twenty yards from the intersection

I

Danger!" Without thinking,

pressed the brakes hard and came

I

heard a loud voice

complete stop just short of the intersection. As

to a

the intersection against the red light at forty or If

1

I

"Stop!

was brak-

pickup truck with dark-tinted windows came across

ing, a red

hour.

say,

had not stopped,

I

fifty

miles per

would have been broadsided. Since

my warning must have come from an angel. This kind of incident convinced me of angels' existence and the reality of my experience. How God touches our lives is not something question. there

was no one around,

1

I

have been privileged to hear firsthand from hundreds of people about their extraordinary encounters with angels and Jesus Christ.

These experiences are almost

common

but are too often

kept private for fear of ridicule. The climate for religious experience

is

hostile in

our

society,

intervention in people's After

my

lives.

experience,

what had happened, but

and I

didn't

called a

before.

know any

1

wanted 1

didn't

clergy

When

nun who had been an

Sister

person and

would come

to talk

with somebody about

have any religious I

art

got

home from

we enjoyed

visit

me.

at

When

art.

she arrived,

I

1

many

Notre

in touch over the years.

talking about

affiliation

the hospital,

student of mine

Dolores was a history teacher

Academy, and we had kept fine

and we repress the truth of God's

years

Dame

She was a

asked her

if

was dressed

bathrobe, wrapped in blankets, and sitting in a recliner.

I

she

in a said,

SENTBACK

107

"Something very wonderful has happened Jesus."

Then I began

to stop, the

harder

leave. Patiently,

begged her

I

to cry,

and

I

have met tried

1

an hour, she said she had

me and watched me

she had sat opposite

come back and apologized

to

I

The harder

couldn't stop.

cried. After half

me.

to

for crying.

to

cry.

I

She prom-

ised to return in a week.

When

she came back,

about an hour. She was finished,

1

managed

silent

through

to tell her

my

telling.

my story in When had I

me wonder why it

asked, "Do you believe me?" She looked straight at

I

and answered, "Of course

beheve you, but

I

1

took so long."

"What do you mean, 'Why did "Do you remember the

first

take so long?'

it

time

"

we met?"

"No."

"You called class.

You

said

me

over to walk with you after the

you were an

atheist

and

first

want any

didn't

day of

religion

in the classroom."

"Oh, yes,

"From had other

sisters it

1

that."

have prayed for you every day, and

tell

have 1

took so long."

When

1

1

praying for you. That was thirteen years ago.

Dolores had been praying for

teen years. perience,

remember

that day,

wonder why Sister

1

people ask

them

Sister

me why

I

me to know God

for thir-

have been given

this ex-

Dolores prayed for

me

for thirteen

years.

There

is

another reason

why

1

God. God loves a repentant sinner Jesus

and

makes

abundantly clear

we

for us to

this

who wants

to

experience of

"come home."

in his story of the lost

sheep

God

waits for us and

come home. When we ask

for God's forgive-

in the parable of the prodigal son.

watches ness,

this

was given

are forgiven.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

108

Two 1

had

factors kept

me

separated from God. The

deliberately separated myself from

knowledge

who had

that.

left

God. God had

tried to reach

ested. Sin is intentional separation

me

I

but

from God.

ways, and there can be no forgiveness until

Second,

was

didn't believe in forgiveness.

we

that

refused to ac-

God who had abandoned me,

wasn't

It

God and

first

I

We

it

was

I

wasn't inter-

many

sin in

confess our sins.

How

easy

it

would

know God and receive God's love and forgiveness had known, but I didn't. God is eager to forgive when we are

have been to if 1

willing to

ceived a

simple

acknowledge our

new

it is

because

life

Ufe.

We need

is

when we

it

resist

be forgiven.

doing

make an honest

new

give

to

I

re-

How

it.

be given a second chance, to be given

only to

be forgiven to have a await us

to

and ask

confessed and was forgiven.

and how much people

To be forgiven

new

1

sins

confession and ask to

beginning. Love, hope,

over to God.

faith,

and joy

14

NEXT TO HEAVEN

Ithough

who

ple

r~\^

clear idea

still

We

religion section.

who

I

1

was

I

com-

and

my

wife

very limited,

went

I

asked

to the nearest mall

bought the Bhagavad

and

a

1

wasn't missing something. So

of other world religions.

spired writing in

all

1

and

Gila,

I

The

concordance

had been reading the Bible exclusively and

be certain that

mary sources

or what that

able to drive again

oj the Tao, the Buddhist Bible, the Koran,

to the Bible. to

walk was

to a bookstore.

shopped the

Way

had no

had so recently

I

be.

ability to

me

I

August 1985, before

In early

when my

an urgency to find a community of peo-

shared the same beliefs that

been given,

munity might

to take

felt

I

1

had

read the pri-

Even though

found

in-

of these sources, they did not speak to

me

1

like the Bible did.

When having

words

a conversation

are alive.

mind, as

was

read the Bible slowly, prayerfully, openly,

I

if

1

with God.

They resonate with

am engaged

surprising, since

1

It

was, and

vitality

it

was

like

as

if

the

and excitement

in

my

still

is,

in a conversation with the divine. This

had

tried to read the Bible

on

a

few occa-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

no

and had found

sions in the past

The

was

difference

you

If

in

how approached 1

the

word,

it

vivid

becomes.

it

If

you read

The

doesn't respond.

it

God

it

hearts

and minds of the writers of the books

Holy

its

speak to

Spirit to

Spirit of

word on an unwilling

living

me and

reveal

word

written

recipient.

that

overwhelming.

we

have experienced, the Bible

1

them

for discovering

would read

1

Gods

to ask the

The

spirit

are receptive to

is

any other

alive

with the

verses to

Spirit in the Bible

my wife

couldn't understand why. In the the hospital,

became

1

I

was

God by

I

coming home from

my

The more

shouted Bible verses. Mistakenly,

could share the love of

1

after

1

enthusiasm, and

a Bible- thumping zealot.

family resisted, the louder

thought

weeks

my

was

and children, ex-

have the same "Eureka" experience that

to

having. Unfortunately, they did not share

was

had

in the divine conversation. Unlike

enthusiasm

pecting

1

truth to me.

its

to the

God.

Spirit of

My

spoke

that

of the Bible will not

of truth wants to converse with us as long as

know and grow

to speak,

it

with indifference or cyn-

icism,

impose

and read

speaks to your mind and be-

your imagination. The more you allow

alive in

more

the Bible.

sincerely ask the Bible to speak to you,

slowly, listening to every

comes

and confusing.

dry, lifeless,

it

shouting scriptures.

1

It

a disaster.

My recovery was progressing rapidly. me

would

drive

time

ventured about

I

to the university to practice walking.

making

it

parking

lot until

level lot.

back

Then

and down

hills

In the evening,

fifty feet

to the car. I

was

after

and

walk the

days and weeks, stairs.

The

first

and became exhausted, barely

Each evening we went

able to

my wife

I

to the

same

entire perimeter of the

progressed to walking up

Every night was a small triumph of in-

creasing strength and mobility

What

exhilaration there

was

in

NEXT TO HEAVEN

111

climbing a stairway, walking normally instead of shuffling, and daring a few running steps!

Upon

regaining

burning desire I

my

ability to

Which

to attend a church.

God would

prayed regularly that

should attend. At times the

walk short distances,

I

reveal to

would use

newspaper or Yellow Pages

church,

had no

1

me

1

decided that

tory. lic

1

I

would

and nothing

to find the church,

didn't

it

was so So

church from the newspaper direc-

select a

me

This indicated to

materiaUstic, since

1

sign, nothing.

picked one based on the information that

school.

I

the directory of churches in

had received no answer, no

1

idea.

the church

happened. After two weeks of praying and searching, frustrated because

had the

I

own

that

this

property

met

it

pub-

in a

church was not

God would

surely be

present in a nonmaterialistic church.

On Sunday morning,

much effort, got cleaned up and dressed in suit and tie and off we went to a church fifteen miles away; a choice based solely on the fact that it didn't own property. When we got there we couldn't locate where the church met with

1

complex, and there wasn't a

in the sprawling elementary school

soul around to ask. Eventually

we found

door that read: Closed

summer. Reopening

Totally discouraged, I

blamed God

church that didn't

me

to attend

for the

a small note

on

a

locked

in September.

we went home.

for this failure. exist?

church

It

How could God

had been

a

let

momentous

for the first time in

my

adult

me

a

me

go

to a

decision for

life,

and

all

I

found was a locked door. So to.

I

prayed and prayed. "God, show

Where do you want me

where

it

is.

Give

me

to go?

1

During our conversation,

I

me

told her

belong

know

couple of days, an

artist

to inquire I

to

but you

can't find one,

a sign." After a

friend, Beverly Erschell, called

church

about

was looking

my

health.

for a church.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

112

She said that she went

my

to a very nice

church that was a mile from

house; the minister had a good heart and the people were a

loving congregation. After the conversation,

she had heard of Christ Church. She

knew

1

my

asked

wife

because she had

it

if

at-

tended choral concerts there, which our daughter had performed in.

She said

in trying

it.

was

it

So

1

beautiful

prayed:

and

Was

close,

and she seemed interested

this the sign

1

had been looking

Sunday morning came and again we prepared church. This was a major undertaking for recovering.

and I

My

Off

up and out was

a big event in

was

still

my life,

and

exhaustion would overtake me.

we drove

Then we

bank parking the parking

to church.

lot across the street.

lot,

across the street,

was leaning heavily on

been

1

knew when complete

couldn't find a parking

space directly in front of the church, so

1

because

go to

days were spent in a bathrobe, reading, praying,

sleeping. Getting

never

me

to

for?

her.

to the greeters at the

By

my

the time

and up the

What

wife parked in the

we walked

across

steps of the church,

a pitiful sight

1

must have

door of the church. Emaciated, jaun-

diced skin, yellow eyes, leaning on

my wife,

dragging

my feet up

the steps.

The worship had the opening side,

1

just

begun with

hymn when we

saw on the

the congregation singing

entered the sanctuary.

ceiling of the

A few feet in-

church hundreds of angels bask-

ing in praise of God. They were a golden color and radiated

golden

light

around them. The unexpected

unleashed powerful emotions of awe of did the only thing

1

God from

inside me.

1

could do in that circumstance, which was to

throw myself down on the I

sight of the angels

floor. Prostrate

on

the carpeted aisle,

thanked God and praised God profusely Regrettably,

we were

not in a Pentecostal church, where this

might have been acceptable behavior.

My

wife bent over me.

NEXT TO HEAVEN concerned that asking that

I

if

I

had collapsed. The ushers rushed

they should

was

call

an ambulance. Then

commotion I was

creating in the back of the church.

church again!"

my

ear,

"Get up! Get up!

was content

1

happily praise God. The ushers

thanking

wife realized

and became furious with me be-

She was yelling in

where

able pew,

my

to her aid,

in religious ecstasy

cause of the

to

113

sat

1

my

with

to

We

will

never come

facedown on the

lie

lifted

me

face in

and

floor

into the closest avail-

my

hands weeping and

God and Jesus.

Beverly kept repeating that she was terribly embarrassed and

we would never go joy. I

Whenever

to

church again.

my

pew,

since the Near-Death Experience

I

was happier than

two months

1

had been

"I

my

have never been so embarrassed in

never go to church again." All week

another chance.

I

promised that

I

I

begged her

would not do

we

before. After

church, there was a leaden silence on the ride home. At

Beverly said, will

couldn't stop the tears of

the congregation stood up, said prayers, or sang,

just cried. Bent over in

left

1

it

home

We

life.

to give

again.

I

me

would

behave properly. That week, the minister of Christ Church, Reverend William Crawford, came to church. 1

I

visit

me and

asked about

why

1

had come

explained briefly what had happened in Paris and what

had seen

in his church.

He appeared nonplussed by my

traordinary story and invited

you

to Christ

you

to help

me

back.

Church and you belong

He

there.

said,

God

you understand your experience and

"God has has sent to learn

shepherded

me

like the

good pastor he

The next Sunday we went back weeks

I

1

sent to

more Bill

is.

to Christ

Church, and over

slowly resisted crying enough to sing the

recite the prayers.

ex-

me

about Jesus." That sealed our relationship then and there.

the

to

hymns and

continued to see the angels and their beauti-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

114

ful

radiance in the upper portion of the worship space every

Sunday.

gregation sang and less radiant

and

collections happened.

only one

who

cause

it

and the

when

announcements

things like

had the impression

I

the con-

that

was the

1

could see the angels. The prayers, hymns, scrip-

and sermons

ture,

when

noticed that they were more splendid

I

spoke

all

me

to

was consistent with what

way

in a deeply personal 1

be-

had experienced with Jesus

angels.

The people of the church were very kind and accepting without imposing themselves.

1

was amazed

we were welcomed

knowing anything about

into the church without their just accepted us into their

that

community without

covered that these people were searching for

us.

question.

God just

as

I

They 1

dis-

was.

I

admired them because they had been in God's house long before me.

1

knew

they were not so different from me, except they had

discovered the truth sooner.

The more

1

attended church, the happier

was surprised when to join the church. bers' class that

was

a

1

told

He

him

offered

was. The minister

few Sundays that

after a

me

I

the chance to join a

he was just beginning.

I

1

wanted

new mem-

learned that this church

denomination (United Church of Christ) that comprised in

part the Congregation

Church

I

had been raised

Beverly Erschell explained to me,

in.

My sponsor

"God wanted you

to

grow

where you were planted."

Had God planned years

later,

adult

life

States,

I

I

all this

had returned

before

to the

it

happened? Twenty-three

church

had done many things and

1"

was

lived

but had never gone to church once.

all

raised in. In

my

over the United

Spiritually,

1

had wan-

dered in the wilderness for over two decades and had

now

re-

turned home. Pastor

Bill

became

my

close friend,

and he helped me grow

NEXT TO HEAVEN in

many ways.

ness to

me

will

I

115

be forever grateful for his patience and kind-

me

in bringing

into his flock

derstanding of the Christian

and nurturing

my

un-

faith.

Church United Church of Christ gave me more than

Christ

could ever repay This community of

faith is

composed

I

of ordi-

nary middle-class people representing a wide spectrum of professions.

I

imagine that

this

church

of churches in America. There

is

typical of tens of

thousands

nothing exotic about

is

it

com-

pared with other churches, but in comparison to the culture

around

it

church

for

there

is

a vast difference.

me was

propagate the

The main

attraction of the

the unqualified efforts to worship

lifestyle of a

God and

follower of Jesus Christ.

When returned to work at the university, was in conflict between my Christian ideals and the worldly behavior of the 1

people

1

Many

at the university.

centeredness of the people

Church

In the Christian

ing should be

1

times

worked with

by the

horrified

self-

in academia.

the standard for

what

a

human

be-

greater than any person has ever achieved. Jesus

is

new meaning

Christ gives a whole

the secular world, achievement else.

was

I

Moral behavior

is

is

to

what

a

human might

be. In

valued and rewarded above

determined by the lowest

common

all

de-

nominator. The secular world seeks prohibitions against antisocial behavior, or

what one can

get

asserts a standard of behavior almost,

man

capacity.

I

found

it

away

with.

The church

but not quite, beyond hu-

increasingly difficult to live

and work

in

both worlds simultaneously because of the difference. Jesus Christ

he loved

us.

1

commanded

don't

his disciples to love

know how

to practice this radical

love in a world that exploits love.

command seriously must The

live in

one another

One who

as

kind of

takes Jesus Christ's

constant tension with the world.

fervent desire of the Spirit of

God working

in

and through

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

116

the church to

make

the world

more loving

is

thwarted by the

passion of the world to undermine the purpose of the church.

The

Bible teaches

Revelation

—

—from

the

Book

of Genesis to the

that each of us is free to choose

will.

The question

Are you seeking God's will or are you not? Knowing and do-

The church,

as flawed

know

will.

The

outside of heaven.

The

ing God's will

is

the curriculum in this

may

is

the instrument to help us

as

of

whether we are pro-

ponents of God's will or opponents of God's is:

Book

it

church

is

be,

the closest

secular world

is

we

will get to

the place

the Spirit of Christ.

life.

God

where we

are sent to

God's

do the work of

15

LIMBO

4

/ -

I

I

had

have

1

my Near-Death Experience in

was obsessed with returning

wonder,

'

and do

fter

"5

/

homesickness.

a case of terminal

world when

to live in this to

1

I

This world

is

was

in limbo.

The

beauty,

my heart's

desire,

asked myself,

"Why

only want to go home?"

It

be loving in a world that rarely even ac-

knowledged God. What could the world have infinitely better in

1

to heaven.

and love of heaven were

joy,

seemed impossible

Paris,

heaven?

felt

1

to offer that wasn't

stuck between heaven and

neither heaven nor hell, but

it is

hell.

preparation for one

or the other. 1

was fascinated with the writer Thomas Merton and read

every book of his

Crawford, suggested

I

could

we

visit

find.

My

pastor.

Reverend

the Trappist abbey of Gethsemane,

Kentucky, where Merton had lived as a monk. Secretly,

dered

if

1

would

what

Perhaps

a monastery.

monk. One

find

bright

fall

1

was looking

God would day

Bill

in

give

1985,

1

won-

for in a life of prayer in

me

Bill

a sign to

and

1

become

a

drove the three

hours to the abbey

When we

got there, a

monk welcomed

us.

We

asked

if

he

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

118

would by the

direct us to the grave of

a rule of silence except

monks

something

seventies

him

ered

when

1

want

woke up and was unable in bed,

was evident

it

ing for

him and he was waiting

to the hospital,

around

a prayer vigil

up

in

compelled

who was known alone. Bill sat

in his

on

I

don't

him.

We

wanted

then

set

once in a while he would afternoon

closer. In the early

back in bed, closed

laid

know why

I

you

told

this,

but

1

his felt

Thomas at

Thomas Merton,

directed us to the grave of

bench while

a

He was wearing

1

I

prayed on

man

a sweatshirt

and blue

felt

I

I

felt

left

jeans.

us

rest-

his presence

appeared by

Merton's poetry opened to a

Gethsemane." After

and he

my knees by the

was crying because

suddenly a young

Thomas Merton had

that

for

as Father Louis in the monastery,

me when

Cemetery

bed

his bed. Every

ing place of Father Louis.

of

ill.

discov-

to tell you."

The monk then

book

a brother in his late

When we was very We

he

"There

bed and announced, Jesus has come!' His eyes were

and was gone.

near to

Only

but he refused, saying Jesus was com-

wide open and he was smiling. He eyes,

necessary.

move.

to

that

look up and say Jesus was getting sat

summer

to tell you. This

him

he

is

monk said,

to the monastery's cemetery, the

to take

up

conversation

live

assigned to welcome guests have permission to speak.

As we walked is

Thomas Merton. The monks

my

side.

He handed me

poem

read the poem,

I

titled

a

"The

understood

the presence of the saints buried

there. 1

gave the book back to the young man, closed

said a brief prayer of thanks.

man was

gone.

I

When

was nowhere

but he had vanished. Confused,

me

opened

was surprised because

the cemetery there

ing toward

1

thirty feet away,

for I

him

my

my eyes

eyes,

the

and

young

in the enclosed area of to go.

went over and asked

I

looked around,

to Bill, if

who

sat fac-

he had seen the

LIMBO

young man with

He

pray.

the book.

"The

said,

book, waited while vanished."

when

Merton,

I

I

beUeve the

me

consoled

if

he was

certain.

was looking

like the

young man

He

After several

he was.

in his early twen-

in the cemetery!

reassured

me

visited

that

I

had I

a

earth.

growing compassion

wanted

to

do something

in the collection plate

weeks of praying about

me and

he understood

between heaven and

poor and hungry of the world.

money

me

photographs of Thomas

at

After a year of attending church,

extra

assured

Thomas Merton had

spirit of

at his grave.

more than put

He

the

book from me, and

him when he was

struggle of living in limbo

for the

me

appeared from nowhere, handed

a picture of

He looked just

ties.

my

saw

I

had been watching me

said he

read the poem, took the

I

asked him

I

Later,

man

Bill

119

this,

on Sunday

God answered my

prayer.

During one Sunday morning worship

woman named Judy

vited a

spoke

for a

When

speak to the congregation. She

few minutes about her experience

being operated by a invited

to

sister

the service

was

over, at the

we

to

speak

talked

to

soup kitchen

her after worship.

and made

mission church

met Reverend Jim Egbert, who had

at

a date for the

8:30 a.m. There

continued to increase food, planning serving,

my

at the

I

worked

soup kitchen. Reverend Jim

responsibilities until

1

was begging

for

menus, recruiting volunteers, preparing food,

and cleaning up. This required about twelve hours

We

served between 150 and 250 people every Saturday

met many good people and became clients alike.

1

I

a ministry to the inner-city

which included the soup kitchen. Thereafter

every Saturday for four years

week.

at a

church as an inner-city mission. She

anyone who was interested

next Saturday to meet

poor,

service, the pastor in-

found

it

friends with volunteers

a I

and

very rewarding to provide a wholesome

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

120

meal

for the needy.

need

for

God was showing me

was so much

compassion in the world and not enough people

ing to help. This world hell.

that there

not heaven, but

is

doesn't have to be

it

Every week there were miracles of donations of just enough

and volunteers

food, money,

week we

people

to provide a nutritious meal.

started with almost nothing,

we had just enough

who came

had anything

meat, vegetables, starches, and

to eat.

No

one ever

left

hundred pounds of food

serve,

and there would be one or two people

Then

possible.

a church

to

wash,

we seldom had

I

a cou-

and

cut, cook, season,

to help.

It

was im-

group or family would show up and say

they wanted to help. By the time noon came around,

ways ready

the

fruit for

hungry, and

on Saturday mornings

over. Early

left

Every

and by Saturday morning

ple of

1

will-

for the line of

hungry poor

to feed.

we were

During

this

al-

time

did a lot of praying and was never disappointed.

When

you do Gods work, God helps you do

prayed that

God would send

it.

One

time,

us a big cash donation so

1

we

wouldn't have to manage the soup kitchen hand-to-mouth every

week. lars.

A

few weeks

This

money

later a

company gave us

lasted over

with other donations.

the back of

my

years,

thousand dol-

buying supplies along

On Friday mornings, would

produce wholesaler and beg fill

two

five

I

for produce.

go to a large

Every week they would

truck with marginally salable produce.

A

farmer would arrive during the week and donate chickens to us. Bakeries gave us day-old bread. in

my hand. God

gave time and couldn't

do

if

slip fifty dollars

who nothing we

fed the poor through the hearts of people

gifts to care for

enough people

at the university as

the

hungry There

listened to

During the same time that continued

Someone would

1

an

is

God.

served in the soup kitchen, art professor

acting chairperson of the department as well.

1

and soon became

The previous

chair-

LIMBO

121

new

person's secretary

had resigned, but

hired for months.

The timing couldn't have been worse

had already arranged

my

because that role

operation. Yet

away

my

good of

on

family

secretary.

a

1

three-week

trip to

While

1

was

I

a secretary

could pray with for the

the department.

When

I

returned

my new

met

I

secretary: Janet Neltner.

didn't

know how

her

she was interested in spiritual things. She said, "Yes."

if

approach the subject of her

to

it.

That night

1

my

predicament with

was

a Christian.

was

my

at

my new

so

faith,

I

church and told

and how

secretary

She asked the name of my

woman

spirit-filled

The next day when fice.

I

said,

"I

am

me

she had

and she had prayed a Christian

went

Why

left

and was

hoped she

I

secretary.

When

I

have done

my

have grown in

to

work,

and

didn't

I

I

called Janet into

my of-

God

me

prayed

to

you say anything

for a Christian boss!

to give

to

a

me?" She

She didn't

know if was I

afraid to ask.

faith,

me and

1

faith

to-

encouraging each other. Janet was a

was her

spiritual brother.

job as administrator without Janet.

my

the

her old job because they weren't Christians

and shared our

spiritual sister to

told

is

For the next three years we worked together, prayed gether,

I

in northern Kentucky."

a Christian

Christian secretary. told

1

asked

about

a friend

her the secretary was Janet Neltner, she said, "Janet Neltner

most

I

seemed uncomfortable

didn't pursue the subject because she

about

I

able to par-

God would send me

wanted someone

I

me;

was very anxious about

1

in the hiring process.

prayed that

a Christian.

for

to the success of the department's

is critical

had no input

I

in Finland,

who was

secretary couldn't be

homeland of Finland and wouldn't be

ancestral

ticipate in the hiring of this

my

to take

a

without her influence.

dence that we were brought together. In

fact,

It

I

is

there

I

couldn't

would not no is

coinci-

no such

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

122

God works

thing as coincidence.

ways

to

make

God

at

work and

world more

this

in the

like

We

My homesickness

Helping so many students

who were

became

and wonderful

me

heaven. Janet helped

world in general.

piece of heaven in the world.

their spiritual questions

in mysterious

my

find

can find a

little

diminished.

looking for answers to

an adminis-

secret career as

When came back to the university after my illness, my superiors warned me that should never discuss religion with trator.

1

1

students. In spite of this, an endless procession of students

was

me about spiritual matters. My secretary, Janet, me when my door was closed, and she knew

waiting to talk to

would pray there

for

was an

attractive

young female

in

my

office.

She was con-

cerned they would seduce me, but she didn't need to worry because they were only looking for a friend, not a lover. Students in the arts are a

was

a privilege to

most

interesting, lively,

know so many of them and

with me.

faith they

had been given and

I

mous unmet need amongst They

are

creative people. to

hungry

to trust in

It

have them share

always tried to encourage them to

their lives

ance.

and

God. There

is

live the

an enor-

college students for spiritual guid-

with God. Too often

for a relationship

they choose not to turn to the church because the church

is

too

tradition-bound and dominated by the interests of older generations.

My life

as

an

artist

was taking

a surprising direction.

completely changed

my

spiritual concepts,

found there was

art that

1

style of art in

an attempt

I

to represent

market or

little

When

interest in

explored these concerns. Galleries that had previously

been exhibiting and hibit or sell

selling

my work

my new work because

exhibiting in churches, but there

told

me

no one was

was no

they couldn't exinterested.

interest in

1

tried

contempo-

j

LIMBO

123

rary art that explored spirituality in unconventional art forms.

church was

ironic that the

now has become religion.

The

indifferent to art.

creative spirit

has been given to

The

art

one time the patron of

at

humans

is

The

art

world

its

and

that

to express the divine in this world.

world and religious establishments are indifferent or

the art world

arts,

and

biased against

one of the attributes of God

openly hostile to each other. Too often what

tion at

is

artists

It's

sophomoric hedonism

is

is

called spiritual in

and

at best

satanic seduc-

worst. Makers of the visual arts, music, the performing literature

have the capacity to express our highest be-

such as Michelangelo, da Vinci, Bach, Handel, Shakespeare,

liefs

and Milton

did.

One

gets a glimpse of

heaven in the great

the past.

Today our culture encourages

demeans

the

human

spirit.

1

culture. Rather than trying to find

ferent world,

create

I

Creating art had

had

expression that

artistic

no place

find

art of

for

my

an audience for

it

art in this

in

an

indif-

my artwork solely for my own gratification. been my driving passion in my life. Now

1

to find a different outlet to express myself.

working with people. Creating responses

for

1

found

people

is

this in

more

challenging than working with inanimate materials. Cultivating

In 1988,

church on an

I

was

invited to

Emmaus

about the Christian

artistic

expression.

spend three days

Walk. This

faith

my

become

personal relationships has

is

an intense time of learning

and interacting with other

the Catholic tradition this

is

Methodist

at a

called Cursillo.

We

seekers. In

heard lectures,

sang songs, shared deep feelings, and worshipped together. People's lives are

rates

faith is

during these three-day events.

in dramatic

the

changed and

ways

found 1

at greatly

saw the

in the lives of the forty or so

walk with me. This time of seeing the

accelerated

God work men who were on

Spirit of

Spirit of Christ in

my

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

124

brothers further persuaded

me

that

1

needed

to

work

full-time in

faith-building. 1

had been

living in

my home, but God home. When we know not

love.

There

is

much

so

to share the love

heaven in

church.

for several years.

wasn't ready to take the love of God,

me

given.

We

to

we need

spiritual poverty in the

had been

The world was

my

heavenly

to share that

world that

can find a

little

I

had

bit of

this world.

Eventually to attend

1

limbo

I

left

my

position as a professor at the university

seminary full-time

God

has kept

to train for full-time service in the

me busy

ever since. Sometimes

too busy, but the rewards are out of this world.

I've

been

16

TELLING THE STORY

I I

was about

t

six

months

after the

experience that

I

told

first

my story to a group of people. My friend Johnny had invited me

to his Bible

named

study group, led by a Catholic priest

Father John. About a dozen people were in the group, which had

When

my

been meeting monthly

for several years.

was astonished

acceptance and understanding. The wel-

come was years.

my

so strong that

I

I

that

would

tell

story,

1

normal people believed

conversion story and valued

fantastic

told

joined the Bible study group for two

was completely surprised

1

then that

and

to find

I

the story

it.

Little

hundreds of times

to

did

I

know

groups large

small.

have met people and received

I

people

them.

who If

heard

my story

one person

tionship with

is

I

and claimed

and phone

that

it

was

from

calls

beneficial to

helped to grow in an intimate loving

God because

been worthwhile.

letters

believe

of

my

God

testimony, then

will bless

I

believe

someone by

rela-

it

has

this writ-

ten account.

God works

in mysterious

and wonderful ways

to build

our

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

126

my

My hope

faith.

God

that

speak to the heart of the doubter and the unbeUever.

I

When

has used

I

began

told. After

many groups

cynics, doctors, scientists,

better just to

is

tell it

be

it

to

and

has to their

faithful to the truth as

and according

to offend anyI

had been

have included main-

that

others,

unvarnished and

themselves what relevance to

want

didn't

I

is

Hindus, Mormons, agnostics, Pentecostals, Jews,

line Christians,

it

story,

be vague about certain things

to

speaking to so

New Agers,

my

telling

me

one. This caused

testimony in powerful ways.

it

let

life.

1

realized that

them decide

for

My responsibility is

has been revealed to

me by God

my understanding.

Testimonies have a power to connect us with one another.

Our

stories that share

our personal experience of the di\ane sup-

port us in our spiritual journey.

been

built

history of faith in

on personal testimony The

taments, and the testimonials to 1

The

New

Gods

Bible

is

God

a collection of tes-

Testament Gospels are the most amazing

love for

pray that you will find

all

my

people. story to be consistent with the

Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. In particular, gest that

you look

of Luke. This

is

at the story of the

my

to

to

the love of

who wants God. The father, who

to

come

signifies

meet his returning prodigal son and welcomes him

with a great celebration and this story as

sug-

story.

God about

God, runs

I

Prodigal Son in the Gospel

Jesus told this story to teach anyone

home

has

my

ovm. As

1

gifts.

With millions

have grown in

my

of others,

1

claim

spiritual journey,

I

have come to identify with the elder son and the father as well as the prodigal son.

Would you run down

who squandered

half of

a prodigal brother

who

the road to

welcome the repentant son

your worldly goods? Would you resent returned while you had remained

faith-

TELLING THE STORY ful

127

and hardworking? The power of the story of the Prodigal Son

The

human

insight into

is its

Bible

same

awesome

love of God.

of stories like this. Stories of people with

is full

whom God

frailties

nature and the

loves

and redeems.

My

life

human

has followed the

pattern.

The power was

lives. It

God works through

of

the

power of God

men and women

that

telling stories

these stories to change our

worked

in the lives of a few

about Jesus Christ that con-

quered the mightiest empire in the history of the world.

was conquered by the Gospel

Gods

Spirit in

which have the power of

stories,

them.

Today we have

new empire

a

to conquer.

It is

an empire of

Too many people are separated from God, one another,

pride.

and themselves.

Lies

masquerade

disguised as enlightenment. There

on

Rome

and exploitation

as truth,

may

never be

total

the details of the solution to our problems, but

is

agreement

we need

to

achieve consensus on the essentials. The fundamental under-

God and humanity needs

standing of

be able

will

Telling

part

is

to devise solutions to the

my

story

is

to

be achieved before

problems facing

us.

part of a global spiritual revolution.

no more important than your part

in the

we

My

beginning of

God's reign in the hearts of humankind. The leader of this move-

ment

is

the

Holy

Experience that this

God

Spirit. is

was

1

told during

my

Near-Death

the time for people to decide

did something to change the course of

human

and

events two

thousand years ago and has been patiently waiting ever This

is

the day the Lord has

made

for

to act.

since.

us to become the sons and

daughters of God.

The

signs of the times are everywhere

popular culture of television

God.

When

is

around

us.

Even the

showing increasing awareness of

commercial television produces top-rated programs

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

128

featuring angels Spirit

and clergy

in positive situations,

and the public driving

this

it is

Holy

the

programming. The enthusiasm changing the

for direct experience of God's Spirit is

style of

wor-

ship across America and the world. Traditions of passive partici-

pation in worship are dying, and people are flocking to churches that offer active participation in worship.

The

distinction be-

tween formally trained clergy and the ministry of blurring.

The authority

of the formal church

is

all

becoming

creasingly irrelevant in the increasing authority of the

God

directly experienced in people's lives.

Experiences of

God

becoming common

are the source of

for

famous

other celebrities to speak about tions.

will

This

is

same

many popular books.

God

and

their religious convic-

wave

of transformation that

and respect

creates variety in everything he does,

same God,

will ultimately find the all

It

God and

religious leaders are expressing tolerance

truth in

Uefs are

breaking into peo-

earth.

for differing religions.

and we

in-

Spirit

athletes, actors, politicians,

the beginning of a tidal

sweep across the

Many

Holy

is

unprecedented ways.

ple's lives in

is

is

people

religions.

man-made. The

The

the

same

between

differences

Christ, the

religious be-

essential truths underlying religions are

God-inspired. The Spirit of

God

will bring us to the truth.

Near-Death Experiences are one small component in the

world today People are

great transformation taking place in the

telling their stories of their experiences of

of the world to faith, love,

one person

at a time.

and peace

You can

find

is

it

God. The conversion

happening.

It

happens

in the marketplace, the

workplace, the home, and in churches and temples. This the heavenly teachers told

In the telling of story,

me would

my story,

I

what

happen.

have been

one that goes back before

is

history.

telling

you an

old, old

This story makes visible

TELLING THE STORY the invisible in our lives.

When you

see.

get

it,

What we have been

you

will

never changed. The message

The message

cares about us.

129

is

never

let

go.

blind

to,

now we

The message has

how much God loves us and how we can respond to this great

is

love. 1

give

you

my

fully appreciate

special in

and

love.

Gods

story in the

where God eyes.

God wants

is

hope in

God wants us to

that

you

will find or

your story You and us to

come home.

live in joy,

I

more

are very

peace, hope,

17

SECOND CHANCE

A

AT LIFE

ne of the questions I'm most often asked when about

J ^

%..

sons I

why

you

give I

my

believe

conversion experience

"Why

God

did

second chance?" There are several

this

God

is,

talk

I

gave

me

second chance

this

should have died in Paris on June

rea-

at life.

1985, because of the

1,

ten-hour delay before undergoing surgery for the perforation in

my

stomach. The doctors in the United States said that

have lived nine hours

for five hours. Yet I

I

should

no one examined me during the

waited in the Paris hospital for the operation.

impossible to claim that

1

died, since

1

received

no medical

It is

atten-

tion during that time.

Ten days

after the operation,

Kentucky. There

mained 1

for four

1

upon your

I

entered

was placed on the

me

critical diseases

died during

my

St.

Luke's Hospital in

critical list,

weeks. The doctors told

survived the complex of

Whether

I

I

it

was

where

I

re-

a miracle that

had.

Near-Death Experience depends

definition of death. There

is

no question

that

1

was

dying. 1

do know

that in a

moment I went from

death to

life.

My en-

A

tire life

was

SECOND CHANCE

AT LIFE

changed when by

all

radically

been dead. The only reason tervened and gave

God

me new

1

am

life

alive

accounts

today

is

should have

I

because

is

only one of the

many

many ways

people.

had

a

in-

A

Near-

that people's lives

many as one

have been radically altered. According to surveys, as in twenty people have

God

physically and spiritually

intervenes directly in the lives of

Death Experience

131

Near-Death Experience. However,

countless people have had profound Ufe-changing experiences in

other ways. Life-changing experiences have occurred during

contemplation, recovery from addiction, during worship, in ex-

treme emergencies, and under the duress of combat. Hundreds of people have told

me

about the mystical life-changing experi-

ences they have had. The ultimate significance of these events

depends, however, on what people do with them afterward.

When God touches someone, where does that person go from there? We are always free to choose how we will use our lives and what changes we

God

me

gave

been praying

for

make.

second chance because

a

me

for thirteen years.

were praying

When

former neighbors,

can change the world.

was dying,

1

my

sis-

me. One of the most powerful things we can do

for

pray. Prayer

Dolores had

Sister

She also had other

praying for me. Johnny and Shirley,

ters

is

are willing to

1

was taken

to the entrance of hell.

depth and vastness of

hell is far

Some would

saw purgatory. During

call

what

1

beyond what

I

The

experienced.

that time

I

called

out to Jesus to save me. The sacred scriptures of the Bible say in several places: shall

be saved."

"Anyone who 1

called

The memory of time

and

when

a

calls

on Jesus

upon

to save

trusting in Jesus

Sunday school teacher

his love. In the

the

name

me, and he

of the Lord did.

me from a distant had taught me about Jesus came

to

innocence of childhood,

1

was

able to call

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

132

upon him. When I was Spirit I

was working

had been

of Christ

twelve,

my life.

in

was always

my late

In

Even though

given.

asked to be baptized. The Holy

I

teens

rejected the faith

my

had denied

I

I

faith, the Spirit

inside me.

my life,

Looking back over

I

many

see

situations

My

where there

was

a spiritual battle

as a

rugged individualist, but inside was a pursuit of God. This

going on inside me.

had been going on

battle

ego had developed

and intensifying

for years

until

it

erupted in a spiritual emergency. 1

blew

a hole in the center of

spiritual conflict. This physical spiritual struggle

had been

I

There

fighting.

ferently.

What happened was

actions.

1

if I

second chance.

seventh, and

was one

It

given.

my

I

things.

conversion,

journey

is

1

gives

me

I

thought

doing those things that I

this or that dif-

my

in a long series of

was

want

I

horrified

would do

my

second chances

I

for granted too often.

when I became angry

better than that.

do not want

to do.

second chance

expected to be perfect in every way.

I

1

a

of us second, third,

all

similar to that of everyone else

things that

won-

more chances. This was not

had taken God's love

This never happened. little

in

to the

responsible for what happened.

fifth, sixth,

After

no point

this

the inevitable consequence of

was because God loves me. God

had been

is

had done

Most important, the reason God gave

fourth,

because of

trauma was directly related

dering what would have happened

am

my abdomen

1

to do,

meet.

I

My

over

souls

find myself

and not doing those

Even though T sometimes

feel like a

me working and making me complete. As long as am in this world living the human life, will have the struggle of being a child of God and being a

wretch,

it is

the Spirit of Christ inside of I

I

child of this world.

The

love that

I

give will cover the multitude

SECOND CHANCE AT

A

of mistakes that

I

make.

is

1

progress in

not straight up, but there

one (including me) try.

God

to

become

When we

right

of Jesus Christ

will find

best

way

grow

to

God

left.

develop-

we

are

and

The climb

God

only asks

desires that

we grow and

sis-

in service to others.

We

love God, love our brothers is

spiritually

1

doesn't expect any-

instantly perfected.

and love ourselves, our Maker

The

my spiritual

and then

progress.

is

loves us exactly as

spiritually in love. ters,

power

the long range. Looking back over the short term,

back and move forward, veer

us to

133

I

ment over fall

trust is in the

me up when die. retrospect, am making

to raise

In

My

LIFE

pleased. is

purpose and development in relationships to other peo-

We imagine that we are isolated from others, but the opposite is true. How we interact with others is our soul journey. What we think we are is not who we are. How we live lovingly with our ple.

brothers and sisters itually,

is

who we

how you

examine

ness, generosity, patience,

truly are. If

to

them.

We

and

How

you

are with

mandment

is

is

the

"God wants us

you

are with

Prior to June

you

God

1,

to care for

by being

changing the world by

for

the world.

The

greatest

1985,

1

lived

my

in the pursuit of happi-

life

tion.

Generally

wasn't happy; in

of the time. Happiness

fact,

from happiness, which

is

gratifica-

was mildly depressed

1

comes and

have joy in our hearts. This joy that ferent

com-

one another.

There were fleeting moments of sensual or ego

much

one

totally present

ness.

I

spir-

give your attention to the person

way you change

to love

grow

toward others.

faithfulness

are responsible to

changing ourselves.

to

are expressing love, joy, peace, kind-

Jesus and the angels told me, another." Love the people

you want

goes.

God

transitory.

gives

God wants is

us to

distinctly dif-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

134

Ever since June

had moments of the joy

stant. Real

is

1,

1985,

full

I

have had joy in

independent of the events in our

those

who

fear

and

God

to

ment

love God. Joy

suffering,

of our is

No

knows

for God's

Joy

be-

is

the love of

good purpose

for

that every emotion, including

can bring us closer to God. Joy

allowing

is

Spirit of Christ in every

mo-

matter what people appear to be, they are children of

God is in them (somewhere). We can them even when we resist the evil they do.

we

Spirit of

are

Once, while on talking to a

I

knows

Ufe.

recognizing the Spirit of Christ in every person you

the Spirit in Yes,

have

I

life.

God, and the

was no

work

be our God. Joy knows the

Joy meet.

trust that all things

is

heart.

range of emotions, but the joy stays con-

ing in an intimate relationship with God. Joy

God. Joy

my

all

flawed individuals.

a retreat a year after

None

my

of us

perfect.

is

transformation,

Mennonite woman. During the conversation

saint.

She became very grave and

responded,

"I

certainly

am

said,

"You are

love

1

1

was

said

1

a saint."

not."

She answered, "Are you beloved by God?" "Yes,"

"A

We

1

saint

said. is

anyone beloved by God and who knows

it."

are saints (in process) because of God's holy love for us.

We become saintly when we understand this and live accordingly We have been chosen by God to be a holy people. This begins when you know how great God's love is for us. My how God loved me. beg you for you. God invites you and me to

experience was about discovering to

examine the love God has

be saints together.

1

18

ANGELS

uring

my Near-Death Experience,

/ ful insights into the

we

beings

I

was given wonderAngels are

call angels.

Ji

messengers of God. There are uncountable kinds of angels. Their

of the

number exceeds

meaning of the word

the stars. In the

angel,

we

most general sense

are to be angels to

one an-

other.

God ature,

speaks to us through the creation, through sacred

through our experience, in our capacity to reason, through

and through people. God most often speaks

creativity,

through people. The issue issue that life

liter-

is

whether we

listen. It

God had spoken

when

I

to

not whether

is

me

me

speaks to us. The

my experience during the decades of my

was shown

frequently

God

to

to

me

in

doubted God's existence. One of the ways God spoke

was through people.

An

art

student

named Michael Smith was an outgoing and

flamboyant character.

He was

also a

homosexual and

After he graduated from the university, until pital.

one day I

went

1

was informed

to visit

him

that he

to say

I

lost contact

was dying

good-bye.

a

in a

What

a

drug

user.

with him

nearby hos-

shock

to see

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

136

his emaciated

ing

when he

body

was

It

even,

me

that

when

and was involved with

When

that

was discovered

think about his

He looked me

done. "I

he was terminally

he began

ill,

in the eye

afraid to die because

I

to

that

he had

and was radiant with joy,

saying,

prayed to Jesus Christ and he came to

am not

satanic rituals.

and regretted many of the things

life

surpris-

knew him, he was promiscu-

1

ous, used drugs heavily, it

more

me and shared his joy about his newfound

talked to

Michael told

faith.

in the hospital bed.

me and

forgave me.

belong to him and he

will take

I

me

to heaven."

didn't

I

know what

was so confident and to death. ing. In fruit

He was

but

when I was

deny

that this

me

even

a seed in

if I

man

was so near

wasn't listen-

my mind

that bore

close to death.

ing was profound. couldn't

was astounded

God's messenger to

God

love of

I

joyful despite the fact that he

some way he had planted

The

I

to say,

I

that

that Michael shared with

was not receptive

to

me

he was dy-

as

what he had

he had found peace of mind,

joy,

to say,

but

hope, and

love in the worst of circumstances. Michael died two days after

and

visited him,

fession

was

I

couldn't help but

relevant to me. But

I

wonder

if

deathbed con-

his

refused to listen.

The angels showed me many instances where they had to

speak to

me

about God, but

who were

through people It

gelists

was easy

who

students.

to ignore

had shut them

It

I

ten spoke to

and

of her love of God.

nore her. She didn't preach

at

to

harangue the

to dismiss the witness of

and admired. Joanne was an

Christ.

They spoke

ridicule the Bible-thumping evan-

was not so easy

me

out.

tried

inspired by God.

appeared on the university campus

whom knew

God and

I

I

I

art

student

just smiled

me, she just

and

testified

people

who

of-

tried to ig-

her love of

ANGELS

No

person can give you

faith

137

when you

are unwilling to re-

God and knowing God. The angels' primary desire is to give us faith in God so we will receive Gods love and know God in an intimate way The angels will ceive

it.

Faith

is

the basis for loving

never force us to have

how many

matter to

me

less

faith.

times

we

They

reject

offer

it

to us continually,

no

them. The angels had spoken

through a dying man, a beautiful young

other people. The angels never give

up on

lady,

and count-

us.

Angels sometimes appear to us as people. Angels can take on

We

any appearance they wish.

not realize they were angels in After

aged by

have encountered angels and did

human

form.

my conversion, went on a series of retreats encourmy pastor to help me understand where my spiritual I

journey was taking me.

During an eight-day Center in Milford, Ohio,

at.

As

had learned

1

a college professor,

students by lecturing. This of people

who were

municate

faith to

message?

1

at

the Jesuit Renewal

worked

who

could share

that people hate being

had given information

I

to

relatively well

with a group

How

do you com-

paying for information.

people

I

are indifferent or hostile to the

desperately wanted to share the love of God, but had

met constant

rejection outside the church.

"Why have you

given

me

world that doesn't want

on

retreat

was struggling with how

1

God's love with people.

preached

silent

this question,

I

it?"

was no

this desire to share

I

implored God,

your love with a

After six days of silent contemplation closer to

an answer than when

1

had

started.

On the seventh day of my retreat, of a large nursing

home

1

wandered

into the chapel

near the retreat center. This

facility

had

formerly been a Jesuit seminary, so the chapel was large and beautifully adorned.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

138

I

sat in a

tion of

how

heard a

pew and prayed

faint voice say,

"H

heard "N fourteen." realized that

I

What could

eight."

my stupidity Then

laughed

"Thanks a

I

came here with

at

I

I

I

lis-

Then

saying?

I

window

bingo game

caller of a

1

God.

mean?

stood up and went to the open

ing into the chapel. lot,

this

What was God

was hearing the

I

ques-

long period of silence,

to share God's love. After a

tened intently and heard "B two."

and

God would answer my

that

drift-

said aloud,

and you

a serious question

play jokes on me."

As

walked out of the chapel,

I

up and opened

to the middle.

The

only thing printed on the page was, "You will see the love of

God

table

by

noticed a pamphlet on a

1

the door.

picked

1

in the smile of a child.

it

Mother

Teresa."

I

put

it

it

down and walked

out of the nursing home.

On

coming

the steps,

directly

toward me, was a

girl

about

nine years old. She was dressed simply and looked beautiful. She

approached me, standing directly in front of me. Then she smiled. ance.

1

I

stood frozen. Her smile was

felt

such strong love from

know what to

speak to her and she was gone.

An

angel had

1

began

shown me

to share God's love

I

with love and accept-

complete stranger,

this

She walked around

to do.

had disappeared.

filled

me up

the steps.

1

I

didn't

turned

followed after her, but she

God had answered my prayer. and acceptance. That is how we are

to cry

love

with one another. The stranger you meet

could be an angel.

Angels rarely appear in their

have appeared

to

The brightness

me

glory.

in their full glory,

it

The times

that angels

was almost unbearable.

of the light that radiates from

them

is

than the Ught from a welding torch. Their light doesn't eyes, but

it is

perience of

frightening because

life.

An

it is

brighter

bum

the

so different from our ex-

experience of the supernatural glory and

ANGELS

power

of an angel

is

They don't appear

frightening.

They most often tone

natural state very often.

keep us comfortable.

I

139

words

don't have the

it

to us in their

down

for

us to

to adequately de-

scribe angels in their natural state. Brighter than lightning, beautiful

beyond comparison, powerful,

that

fail

them.

to describe

fully inadequate.

As an

am

I

and gentle

are

words

depictions of angels are

Artists'

artist

loving,

piti-

aware of the impossibility

How do you paint something that is more radiant than substance? How do you paint colors that you have never seen before or since? How do you describe love on a of representing an angel.

canvas?

Angels are with us constantly and they are everywhere. are never apart

from them.

Thousands of

evil.

stories

We

have angels

that they always

God

is

want

restrains them.

angels to help.

Why they intervene

God wants ask

God

our

rare occasions

working

hope

in

all

if

we

but sometimes

God

allows the

for spiritual gifts of love, faith,

and hope, God always allows the angels are never refused

lives,

to help us. Spiritual gifts

are ready to receive them.

the time to give us the love of

God,

The angels faith in

are

God,

God. Angels hear our prayers.

Angels do not want to be worshipped. They want to

me

us to experience the conse-

On special

When we

sometimes

between them and God. They told

to intervene in

quences of our actions.

guard us from

have been published concerning an-

gels intervening in people's lives.

and other times don't

who

We

all

praise

be for God. They don't want us to confuse them with God.

They know the They

difference

are servants of

between the Creator and the

God, created

can thank them for being that for

creature.

to be God's messengers.

We

us.

Angels don't make mistakes, because they communicate

di-

with God. Their will and desire are the same as God's.

We

rectly

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

140

God

can ask

send angels

to

us and protect us.

to guide

ask the angels to teach us God's

will.

appear to us or do anything that

is

We

make

can't

not God's

We

can

the angels

will.

There are different kinds of angels with different responsibil-

and

ities

One

different attributes.

may accompany

angel

a child,

another has the responsibiUty for a city another a nation, another

We

a world, another a universe.

but they don't think of themselves that way. They

gels are gods,

know

they are servants of

Angels love to serve

might think that the mighty an-

God with

their

God

participating in the divine plan.

whole being. They

God. Angels can experience what we think and

When this is consistent with God's will, opposed

are

When we

to God's will, they suffer emotionally. If

we knew

them and God.

we

we would want

our angels are with us,

We would never want to

them, but

we

This same Spirit

gels.

feel.

they are joyful.

how empathetic distress

desire nothing but

do. is

The

God

Spirit of

is

Then we become

we

would

that

the spirit of the an-

in us, leading us to truth

allow the Holy Spirit to guide us,

angels and God.

do anything

to please

are in

and

love.

When

harmony with

like the angels,

the

messengers of

God.

The

best

by the Holy

word

Spirit,

the angels for us

is

compassion. As

becomes our compassion

difficult.

God

is

tough

love.

for all people.

we

things

can't control spiritual

good. Spiritual things

ing.

The laws

We

Just as the angels refuse to control us,

we have power

Angels can

live

over,

we can

and we

dis-

The love we learn

understand that we shouldn't control one another. influence, but

we

our compassion grows. The compassion of

cover that the love of

complex and

an angel

to describe

We

is

we

can try

to

development. Worldly

are to use this

power

for

only influence.

move through time and

of physical nature

space as easily as think-

do not bind

angels. Angels are

I

ANGELS

141

know

aware of and protect us from forces we don't

Our

pable of imagining.

from

We

angels are ever-vigilant to protect us

from other dimensions of the unknown

evil that originates

universes.

or aren't ca-

don't have to

worry about

it.

We

should just be

glad they are there keeping us safe. There exist supernatural beings that seek chaos.

They have no power over us except

power we

They

give them.

evil spirits.

power

of

They should be

God and

than

theirs.

Holy

Spirit.

are

The

the

known

power

Ask Jesus

bliss.

to save you. This

are so

never understand

ter to

be

fully,

much

world in

greater

because the an-

Heaven was opened

to

show themselves

will fade

The

with the

filled

In times of danger, pray to

complex

are God's compassion.

to

is

suffer excruciating torture

to you. Invite the angels to

The angels

is

devil, or

as possible.

of God's angels

gels revealed themselves to them.

and torment became

demons, the

much

rejected as

best defense against evil

The martyrs could

open heaven

as

the

them

God

to

to you.

away

number and

type that

we could

even with a complex "angelology" Angels That

us for God. Thank

is

God

more than for

sufficient.

your angels.

They minis-

19

PILGRIM

uring ..

1 1.

y God

my I

with

us.

is

in every

2.

was given by Jesus and the angels were:

lessons

everything that

of

Near-Death Experience, the most important

The

we

Spirit of

God wants

do. Enlightenment

moment. The

is

be present in

to

to see

reality of the Spirit of

God working

God

is

life.

God

loves

God

has given you this Ufe so you can grow spiritually The

gifts

you have been given

you more than you can possibly comprehend.

are the attributes of

We

God.

been made in the image and likeness of God. These emotions, consciousness, free the physical universe,

God 3.

way

the

In

in us

tions.

and the Holy

and through us

my Near-Death

will, reason, love,

are like

of God.

Emotions

Emotions

soul mates,

can perceive

are

1

was

told that

God

has emo-

Gods emotions. Our emotions

can either direct us toward the will

We

gifts are

in each of these divine attributes.

Experience,

Our emotions

Spirit.

have

will of

the

God

engine

are the force that desires to

or

away from

that

make us

drives

the us.

Christlike or

PILGRIM

143

turn us into the adversary of God.

We

by

are not controlled

our emotions. Feelings of happiness, pleasure, pain, anxiety, anger,

and despair can lead us

God and

a

of thanksgiving. All emotions are part of our

life

thinking process. 4.

Heaven wants us of

God

to

how you

to a greater appreciation of

How we to give

use our emotions

our choice.

is

our feelings to God. Allow the

show you where

Spirit

come from and

these emotions

can direct their powerful energy to align your

with God's plan.

If

you

life

are feeling pleasure or depression, let

God's Spirit give you insight into where these feelings are

How

coming from. purpose

in

energy to drive your

this

accordance with God's purpose for you?

Anger about conquer

can you use

evil.

injustice

can motivate you to

Feelings of sexual desire

resist evil

and

bond man and woman

into an intimacy that can lead to lifelong partnerships in

marriage. Sexual desire expressed wantonly leads to dissipation of intimacy

God

to us

in adultery,

he

felt

at the

and

trust

when he had compassion

when he used

for the

woman

death of Lazarus, and

my

when he

complete empathy with me.

We

must become conscious of

we

the

felt

ourselves.

I

when

when he wept power

to per-

time in eternity with Jesus,

his

imperative that

caught

anger to cleanse the temple,

pleasure eating with outcasts of society

form miracles. During

5.

between partners. Jesus expressed

was

I

told that

felt

it is

bring rigorous self-examination before

God. Through our confession we are healed and forgiven. 6.

Find your soul mates. to learn love.

other to learn

saw

1

how

it

God brought my in

my

life

review.

to love. Jesus told

God most

God

It is

me

together

gives us one an-

me, "This

Other pilgrims expand our awareness. mates that

wife and

is

your job."

through our soul

often speaks to us. Seek people

whose

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

144

spiritual

journey

is

love from your soul mates. Jesus said, are gathered in 7.

Free will

my name,

the ability to

is

Demand

your journey.

similar to

there

make

1

"Where two or more

shall also be."

God has given us this do what we will is an amaz-

choices.

greatest of gifts. This

freedom

ing

taken for granted. Even though

gift

of love that

know

imperfectly

is

to

in this life

world

to

know and

do God's

to

we may

we make, our

God's will in the choices

tention to choose God's perfect will please God.

8.

truth in

We were

That

will.

is

the

in-

put

whole

experience.

God

has given us the power of reason to create ourselves in

the image

and likeness of God. Reason enables us

the best choice.

The dilemmas we

through the use of reason. submission, rather

God

God

face in

life

are

to

manageable

demand our

doesn't

invites us to the truth

make

blind

through rea-

son. 9.

God

gives love. God's love

is

freely God's love seeks only to

come aware

of God's love,

with others.

We

need

to

God

unconditional.

When

be expressed.

you only want

put our love of

gives love

you be-

to share that love

God

into action in-

stead of theory Love puts the needs of others ahead of our

own needs. Jesus' love for us is the extreme love of God for us. 10.

The physical world of matter and energy ation tion. it is

God

We

is

the beautiful cre-

has given us for our enjoyment, care, and edifica-

have abused our responsibiUties

to the planet,

and

time to rethink our relationship to the resources, plants,

and animals

that

God

and we inhabit

as the ultimate artist

Earth,

how

have

we

by God.

this

If

we imagine God

masterpiece called

carelessly exploited our

tion? All the science

inspired

created out of love.

and technology

that

dominant posi-

we

possess was

We must seek a more harmonious

relation-

PILGRIM

145

ship with the natural world. This

and we

a holy place

is

should walk with reverence upon the earth, as Jesus did.

make us whole. The Holy

11. God's Spirit will

presence in our

The Holy with

all

comed

The Holy

lives.

Spirit builds

people in

all

community The Holy

Gods

us to the truth. Spirit

has been

times but has not always been wel-

The voice

or listened to by us.

recognizable because

Spirit leads

Spirit is

it

of the

Holy

Spirit is

always speaks to us of love,

joy,

peace, hope, patience, faithfulness, self-control, truth, generosity,

12.

and God.

It is

the

supreme

with

us.

The Holy

filled

gift

of

God

because the Holy Spirit

Spirit is the Spirit of Christ

with the Holy

Spirit.

The

each of us to invite into our

God

is

because he was

Spirit of Christ is available to

lives.

The

Spirit

works

to trans-

form us into new beings, born from above. The Holy

Spirit

shows us the way home.

Our

You

pilgrimage

journey into

reality.

and

God.

will find

is

not a journey of time or space,

This present

of Jesus Christ

perception of the giving favor

is

God

God

to

me

nature of the world, being favored and

favors each of us just as that

has the capacity to

us passionately just as

in the

and the angels of heaven. Within our

most important lessons

teach me.

a

where you can

choosing one over the many, but in God's

capacity for love, of the

finite

is

was explained

are God's favorite! This truth

company

moment

it is

we

are.

God

To become the beautiful people

my

we

are.

infinite

This

is

one

teachers were tr)ing to

know

us intimately and love

created us to be wonderful.

God

has created us to be,

have to wake up from our dream that separates us from the

we

real-

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

146

ity of

God.

We

are spiritual beings having a physical experience.

This brief event In heaven

amusement and

we

we

call life is

will

that

we

neither our beginning nor our end.

look back upon our feel

when we look

at

with the same

lives

our childhood hopes

fears.

Why didn't say "Yes" to God sooner? Why did wait so long? How much of my life have wasted with my eyes closed to 1

1

1

the truth? Yes,

I

need

to

be known.

Yes,

1

want

to

be loved for

Yes,

1

belong to

Yes,

you love me even though

Yes,

by your power

Yes,

I

God above

welcome you

1

in

am.

all else. I

denied you.

my heart, you

my life. making me

forgive us

you make one step toward God, God

to you. Let

Jesus

you

I

can change

In your great love for us, If

who

is

and

a

new

call

person.

us by name.

will take a giant step

God be your God. the way, the truth,

will ever have.

and the

life.

He

is

the best friend

A

RW O

F T E

R D

erving the church as pastor has never been dull. The

I

church

is

involved with the lives of people from their

birth to their death,

of the church,

we

and everything

see the best of people

comes

since everything that people are

What people

see

on Sunday

in between. In the

and worst of people

in the

door of the church.

only a small fraction of what hap-

is

pens in ministry. The Sunday morning worship

and

ple to give their best glorification of

human

is

rest of the

week, everything that

beings do to themselves and to one another

gaged in the

If

lives of people,

it is

is

the

being en-

extremely rewarding.

It is diffi-

imagine that one could be the church pastor without the

essary to rely

are,

demands

human drama and

one enjoys

constant encouragement and support of the Holy

when

a time for peo-

be on their best behavior for the

God. During the

attention of the pastor.

cult to

to

life

upon

to listen.

the Spirit of Christ to

The

and not demand

role of the pastor

that they

know what to love

It is

to say,

nec-

and

people as they

change before they are lovable.

also the role of the pastor to

cording to the will of the Holy

is

Spirit.

It

encourage people to change acSpirit.

MY DESCENT INTO DEATH

148

The

biggest challenge that

have found in pastoring a church

I

has been raising the consciousness of the congregation toward

compassion

work

for

people beyond the boundaries of the church. The

of the church

is

the church; rather, the

not simply to comfort the members of

work of the church is to be like Christ to the

world. The world consists mostly of people or Christ and could care

and sending

the world

who do not know God

As Jesus spent

less.

I

have found

this difficult for

For the past several years to

work with

the

Maya

beautiful people have

omy

I

do not

going out to

fully

under-

many Christians to appreciate.

have been leading mission groups

of Belize, Central America.

Many

of these

been marginalized from the global econ-

impact their

schools, substantial

We

have had the opportunity

through improvements

lives

improvement

their living conditions, and, faith

I

to live subsistence lives.

significantly

life

his disciples out into the world, so the

church must do likewise. For reasons that stand,

his

in their health care,

to their

improving

most important, encouraging

their

development. The overwhelming majority of people that

work with

there belong to the

Roman

to

Catholic Church, and

we we

have been blessed with a wonderful working relationship be-

tween the Catholic Church and denominations that support

a

number

this ministry.

of different Christian

We

experience a sign

we work together without denominational differences. The people who have gone on these mission trips have received spiritual riches from the people that we serve of the

far

Kingdom

beyond

of

God

as

the material gifts that

When we make

our small

we

bring to them.

sacrifices to serve

God, we are en-

God with spiritual gifts far in excess of God's way of raising us to become the

couraged and rewarded by

what we deserve. This

is

God we were created to be. As Jesus so amply demonstrated to us, the only way to grow spiritually is by serving others.

children of

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Anne

Rice

United

was instrumental

States.

I

am

in the publication of this

book

deeply grateful for her support of

in the

my

testi-

mony and the desire to make it available to the public. Anne is a woman of huge accomplishments as an author, and more important, someone who has persevered in her spiritual journey toward God through many trials. It has been a privilege to share

my story with her and for her to share some of her story with me. We have so many coincidences in our lives that it is no wonder there is a bond between us. She has been a Godsend in my life and

1

pray she will be blessed for the work

we both have

done.

(continued from front flap)

Storm

tells

of his

God. even answers

"life review," his

conversation with

to age-old questions such as

why the

Holocaust was allowed to take place. Storm was sent back to

his

body with

a

new knowledge of the purpose

of life here on earth. This book

HOWARD STORM

was

is

Today he

is

message of hope.

a studio art professor at

Northern Kentucky University years.

his

for

more than twenty

an ordained minister and pastor of

Zion United Church of Christ

in Cincinnati,

www.doublcday.com Jacket design by David

Cohen Gravy Design

jacket illustration by the author Print td

in the

U.S.

Ohio.

— book you devour from cover to cover, and pass on to others. This is a book you w^ill quote in your daily conversation. Storm w^as meant to write it and w^e were meant to read it." "This

is

a

FROM THE FOREWORD

AS

emerged from my of mine.

said,

"Pray to God."

work.

sure

what

doing.

from

it

sounded Hke

The

it.

remember

I

It

thinking, "Why?"

w^asn't a

my voice,

thought

but wasn't,

That doesn't

a stupid idea.

.

again, "Pray to

me

God!"

It

was more definite

had been something

as a child,

was something fancy and had to be done

I

What

it

a voice

." .

to do. Praying, for

could

my voice, but

voice that sounded hke

my childhood experiences in Sunday school.

What a

It

said

chest.

didn't say

I

What a cop-out

That voice

ANNE RICE

on the ground, my tormentors swarming around me,

lay

I

BY

remember from

just so.

I

I

this time.

I

wasn't

had watched adults

tried to

remember prayers

Prayer was something you memorized.

so long ago? Tentatively,

I

murmured

a

few

lines

jumble from the Twenty-third Psalm, "The Star-Spangled Banner," the Lord's

Prayer, the Pledge of Allegiance,

and "God Bless America," and whatever other

churchly sounding phrases came to mind. "Yea, though

thou

art

I

walk in the valley of the shadow of death,

will fear

no

evil,

for

with me. For purple mountain majesty, mine eyes have seen the glory of the

coming of the Lord. Deliver us from

To

I

my amazement, my

They screamed

me, "There

can hear you!

One nation under God. God

the cruel, merciless beings tearing the

incited to rage by at

evil.

ragged prayer.

Now we are

is

It

was

no God!

really

as if

I

life

Bless America."

out of me were

were throwing boiling

oil

on them.

Who do you think you're talking to? Nobody

going to hurt you." They spoke in the most obscene

language, worse than any blasphemy said

on

earth.

But

at the

same time, they were

backing away.

— FROM MY DESCENT INTO DEATH US$14.95/$21.00CAN ISBN 0-385-51376-3

51495

9

780385"513760