Movies r fun!: a lil' inappropriate book 9781452130224, 9781452122335, 1452130221

Let's face it, reading sucks ... but movies are fun! In this children's picture book parody for grown-ups, Pix

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Movies r fun!: a lil' inappropriate book
 9781452130224, 9781452122335, 1452130221

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This LIL’ INAPPROPRIATE BOOK  was stolen by:

A COLLEC TION of CINE M ATIC CL A SSIC S for the PRE - (FILM) SCHOOL CINE PHILE

For my kids . . . who will never be allowed to read this book.

Copyright © 2014 by Josh Cooley. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher. ISBN 978-1-4521-3022-4 (epub, mobi) Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Cooley, Josh. Movies r fun! : a collection of Cinematic classics for the Pre-(film) school Cinephile/ Josh Cooley. pages cm ISBN 978-1-4521-2233-5 (hc) 1. Motion pictures—Juvenile humor. I. Title. PN1994.5.C66 2013 791.43—dc23 2013010809

Illustrated by Josh Cooley Designed by Erin Cooley and Michael Morris Chronicle Books LLC 680 Second Street San Francisco, California 94107 www.chroniclebooks.com

“This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultraviolence,” explained Alex.

4

“Say what again. Say what again,” said Jules. “I dare you, I double dare you.”

5

“You want a toe? I can get you a toe,” said Walter. “Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon, with nail polish.”

6

“I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse,” explained Don Corleone.

7

“I want you to hit me,” said Tyler Durden, “as hard as you can.”

8

“I want to buy your women,” explained Jake. “Sell them to me. Sell me your children!”

9

“You are a very nosey fella, kitty kat, huh?” asked the midget. “You know what happens to nosey fellas?”

10

“Whose money do I have?” asked the driver.

11

“I’m sorry, Dave,” said Hal. “I’m afraid that I cannot do that.”

12

“Police! Freeze!” said Marge. “WRRRRRRRRRRRRRR . . .” went the woodchipper.

13

“Your clothes . . . give them to me, now,” said the Terminator.

14

“Hi, Brad. You know how cute I a  lways thought you were,” said Linda.

15

“Now go home and get your #$@&*% shinebox!” suggested Billy Batts.

16

“Me so horny,” explained the lady.  “Me love you long time.”

17

“Kane, what is it? What is wrong?” asked Ripley. “AAAAHHHHHhhhhhh!” answered Kane.

18

“What’s the most you’ve ever lost on a coin toss?” a  sked Anton.

19

“Pause,” went the VCR.

20

“Wait . . . what is happening?” asked the audience.

21

“He got a real purty mouth, ain’t he?” said the mountain man.

22

“Wolfie is fine, honey . . . Wolfie’s just fine,” said the T-1000. “Where are you?”

23

“What have you done to it?” asked Rosemary. “What have you done to its eyes?”

24

“Yippee-Kay-Yay mother #@&*$%!” said John McClane.

25

“Would you like me to seduce you?” asked Mrs. Robinson. “Is that what you are trying to tell me?”

26

“Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,” said Hit-Girl.

27

“I want to be a cleaner, just like you,” said Mathilda. “Okay,” replied Léon.

28

“The power of Christ compels you!” commanded Father Damien.

29

“I can do anything I want,” explained Frank.  “And so can you.”

30

“Come play with us, Danny,” said the twins. “For ever . . . and ever . . . and ever.”

31

“¡Ay, no me gusta!” thought Ofelia.

32

“It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again,” explained Buffalo Bill.

33

“Run! Go! Git to da choppah!” screamed Ahnold.

34

“Spec-tac-u-lar!” thought Lester Burnham.

35

“Just walk away,” said The Lord Humungus. “Give me your pump, the oil, the gasoline, and I’ll spare your lives. Just walk away.”

36

“Four . . . three . . . two . . . one . . . I am now authorized to use physical force!” w  arned ED-209.

37

“You talking to me?” asked Travis. “Well, I’m the only one here.”

38

“You’re gonna need a bigger boat,” suggested Chief Brody.

39

“Eek, Eek, Eek, Eek, Eek!” went the orchestra.

40

“You gotta be %@#&* kidding,” said Palmer.

41

“What is in the box? What is in the box?” asked Detective Mills.

42

“The horror . . . the horror . . .” gasped Colonel Kurtz.

43

KEY 4: A Clockwork Orange

15: Fast Times at

5: Pulp Fiction

Ridgemont High 16: Goodfellas 17: Full Metal Jacket 18: Alien 19: No Country for Old Men 20: Basic Instinct 21: Prometheus 22: Deliverance 23: Terminator 2: Judgment Day

6: The Big Lebowski 7: The Godfather 8: Fight Club

9: The Blues Brothers 10: Chinatown 11: Drive 12: 2001: A Space Odyssey 13: Fargo

14: The Terminator

24: Rosemary’s Baby 25: Die Hard 26: The Graduate 27: Kick-Ass 28: Léon: The Professional 29: The Exorcist 30: Donnie Darko 31: The Shining 32: Pan’s Labyrinth 33: The Silence of the Lambs

34: Predator 35: American Beauty 36: The Road Warrior 37: RoboCop 38: Taxi Driver 39: Jaws 40: Psycho 41: The Thing 42: Se7en 43: Apocalypse Now

How many of these LIL’ INAPPROPRIATE BOOKS have you grifted? Lil’ Inappropriate Books: Classics - Baby Animal Barbecue - Daddy’s Other Family - Bikini Car Wash - Glue! Yummy! - I Can Drive - Who Invited a Panda? - Floor Food - Blind Cat - My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad - I Found a Bag of Money - Lurn to Spel - Why Does It Burn? - Get Real, Santa - Mousetrap Shoes - Goodnight Moon, You Bastard - The Rusty Lawn Chair - Damn You, Mr. Owl - Judy and Friends Go to Spring Break - Mr. Knife Stabs Again - Angry Bill Lil’ Inappropriate Books: Banned in 29 States - I Love You Sometimes, Mommy - Oh God, Who Farted - Beer Run - Mother Goose’s Prison Lullabies - The End Is Nigh - So Long, Chumps! - Hell Is Hot - Stop Kissing the Cat - The Filthiest Puppet Alive - Nazi Dentist - Who’s Your Daddy? - The Monster at the End of This Sentence - Uh, Oh! Murder! - The Busiest Casino - Stick ’em Up!

- Pool Shark - Mommy’s Ankle Monitor - Ah Crap, It’s Grandpa - Gimme More Pie - Put On Some Pants, Please Lil’ Inappropriate Books: Scratch And Stink - Mr. Deer’s Freeway Adventure - Hobo Surprise - Where Babies Come From - Cheat to Win - Guess Who’s Adopted - I Don’t Like Your Skin Color - Yellow Snow - Wake Up, Grandpa - Stop Sinning, Sinner - Mommy Has a Headache - There’s a Band-Aid In My Salad - Go Get a Switch - I’d Hit That - No One Sees You Steal - No, YOU Shut Up - Fluffy Goes to the Farm - Grandpa’s Medicine - Ladies Night - Hurry! Move the Body - Try and Catch Me, Officer Lil’ Inappropriate Books: Stories With No Morals - Clothes Dryer Kitten - Mad Dog - I’ll Cut You - Friends With Benefits - You’re Not My Real Mom, Karen - Nose Candy, Booger Sugar - Mommy Love Baby More - Cough Syrup Land - Canada Makes Fifty One - Scissors Race

- The Pokey Little Poopy - Make Rules, Break Rules - Reading’s for Suckers - The Shy Streetwalker - Hot for Teacher - I Hate New Baby - Mommy’s Milk Bottles - Everybody Stop Hitting! Lil’ Inappropriate Books: Future Garage Sale Editions - Stranger Candy - Hungry Escalator - Midnight Clown - Who Took Daddy? - Everything Dies - Jar Kittens - What Else Can I Flush? - Poopy Pants Penny - You’re Mean and I Don’t Like You - Ouch! Adventures With Mr. Needle - My First Tats - Debbie Goes to Dallas - Cannibals for Dinner - Kiddie Cults - Where Do Step-Children Come From? - Daddy’s Bedside Table - Eat All the Bugs - Refrigerator to the Moon - Seamus the One Armed Bus Driver Lil’ Inappropriate Books: The Leftovers - Commie the Communist Clown - Soap Gun - Devil at My Window - I’m the Bully Now! - Time to Die