Letters to Aly: Surving My BFF's Suicide [First ed.] 9789810768119, 9789810768126

Citation preview

Copyright © 2013 by Samaritans of Singapore All rights reserved. Published in Singapore by Epigram Books. www.epigrambooks.sg Cover design by Lydia Wong National Library Board, Singapore Cataloguing-in-Publication Data Lee-Ann, author. Letters to Aly : surviving my BFF’s suicide / Lee-Ann. – Singapore : Epigram Books, 2013. pages cm ISBN : 978-981-07-6811-9 (paperback) ISBN : 978-981-07-6812-6 (ebook) 1. Bereavement in adolescence - Personal narratives. 2. Grief in adolescence - Personal narratives. 3. Teenagers - Suicidal behavior. 4. Teenagers and death. I. Title. BF724.3.G73 155.9370835 -- dc23 OCN855728567 First Edition 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Preface

It has been more than two years since 30 April 2009, when my best friend and schoolmate Alyessa jumped to her death. She was just 16. I have always kept diaries of some sort. Writing has always been my release whenever thoughts get too jumbled up in my head. When Aly died, I started writing to her whenever the feelings got too intense. More often than not, I would plug in and listen to a list of songs as I wrote. The lyrics of the songs inspired the titles in my letters. Sometimes it was the song title. As I look through all the pieces and letters, I am taken aback at how sad I was then—so, so sad. The person writing them seems like a stranger to me now. But I am glad I managed to pen my thoughts because reading these letters has helped me remember her much better. I would not want to forget a single part of the tough journey. I was six feet under my mountain of emotions. Writing everything down made things seem more real. I had known Aly all my life. We were childhood friends. She was like a sister to me and I loved her. She was like my personal diary. When she was around, my diaries were full of the fun times we had together. There were no sad entries because I poured my heart out to her in person or through texting. She was my confidante and best friend. She always knew how to make me feel better. When she left, I felt like she took a part of me. In my letters I had written over and over again that I wanted to be happy but I did not know how. Actually I was chasing something abstract. There is no key ingredient to being happy; we’ve just got to adjust our perspective. I still flounder sometimes whenever I think about the long months without Aly. I feel guilty for being okay on most days and missing her only when times are bad. But I’ve also learnt to keep her in a special place that I can visit. This book is precious to me because all these letters were written when I missed Aly. Most were written in tears. I feel exposed and naked at the thought of publishing them. So why do I still want to do this? Maybe it is a bit ambitious but I want to reach out to people who are going through the same pain. It feels like something I need to do. It is ironic how angry I was with my mum for invading my privacy when she read some of my letters before. Yet here I am, offering to bare myself to strangers. Looking back now, I can see why Mum was behaving ‘unreasonably’. She was just trying to protect me; she was afraid of losing me. We’ve always had a love-hate relationship. She tried hard to discipline me during my rebellious phase as an adolescent. We were trying to change and build a more trusting relationship when Aly’s death happened. Whatever we had built disintegrated and I felt suffocated when she became more protective. She started letting go a little when I went for regular counselling sessions at the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS). Maybe she took some comfort in knowing that I was getting professional help in coping with my grief. I am in no position to dish out advice for other parents, but I do hope that they will bear in mind that every child is different. It is tough to know when to let go and when to hold your child close for comfort. Sometimes the survivors of a suicide do not even know themselves. I think the best that one can do is to give the constant assurance that one will not feel bad or too tired to listen. Perhaps someone may find comfort in reading my letters because they are as real as real can get. It’s not like some self-help book; I won’t be offering you seven great steps to heal yourself or get over your grief. I am handing you my diary and maybe after being in my shoes for a bit, you may discover something about yourself. Or maybe it may make you laugh. To those who still feel the raw pain, I hope you will find some hope and peace in knowing that after two, three years or more, you will feel better. Not over it, not completely healed, but different. I do.

x Lee-Ann

PS. I apologise for the coarse language used. I was not brought up that way. Often I resorted to swearing on paper because I could not do it face-to-face. Reading through the letters and seeing the frequent use of expletives makes me feel quite ashamed of myself. But it was how I felt and I left them in because that was the real me then. I hope that parents and teachers will understand.

30 April 2009 Aly, I was on my way to school for our E. Maths exam when RJ called. I didn’t know what to think. He told me you tried to find him last night to say your last goodbye?! My heart dropped. RJ told me that you probably did it. Did you? I can’t remember what else he said, it was all a blur… I don’t even know what I said to him. Then John texted, asking if I knew what had happened to you. I started panicking. It didn’t feel right. I called your sister. Alexis told me that you were gone. That was when I broke down in the MRT. All I could think of was that time in Jan when you tried jumping. I had flashbacks of myself running around trying to find you, to stop you from jumping, and then the police came and you freaked out. It was a mess… Why did you have to go? I don’t believe this! You’re my best friend…the closest I’ve got to someone and now you’re gone! Impossible! I don’t believe it! I refuse to believe it. What the fuck?! How can you just drop everything and leave? It does not make sense. I was so scared I couldn’t fucking focus on my E. Maths exam. I need to know now that you aren’t gone. I need to talk to you now! My mum picked me up from school after the exams. As soon as I got into the car, I could see that she was very anxious. When I asked her what was wrong, she just shook her head and said, “I’m going to bring you to see Aly.” I should have felt relieved but instead my heart sank. I was going to see you but everything was not okay. I had a bad feeling in my gut. When we reached home, Mum parked the car, took a deep breath and leaned over to hug me. “Aly’s gone!” she said softly. Nothing sank in. But I was so scared. She told me to change into jeans and a plain shirt and we drove silently to your house. Everyone was there. Alexis showed me the letters you wrote. My eyes quickly scanned the letters…lines of apologies and how it was something you had to do…a calling…peace. You included a goodbye to me. Nothing made sense. Everyone looked too bewildered and confused, some crying, others not. I asked to see your mum. I went up the stairs to your room. Your bed was left unmade. Your mum got off the phone after talking to someone from your school. She called your name before bursting into tears. Then she hugged your pillow and wailed with so much anguish I fled the room.

1 May 2009 I was in a daze. I barely remember the car ride to the place where your funeral was held. But when we all reached the place, RJ called me and I stayed in the car park and talked to him. He was frantic; he told me he saw you that night. He told me about how he sent you home and then you ran away again because you did not want to go home. He gave up chasing you because he didn’t know what else to do. I have no idea how I managed to stay so calm during the phone call. After hanging up, I braced myself and walked in. I could hear people crying even before I reached the door. A small crowd had gathered around something. There was a blown-up picture of you, lots of flowers everywhere and there was a huge cross in the background. Mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, aunts, uncles, nephews and nieces, grandmother and grandfather, godma, cousins, friends—they all cried for you, Aly. Everyone was hugging someone. As I approached the white coffin, I felt my whole body shaking. My legs were going to give way any minute. I embraced Gwen because she was there and she was alone. We held onto each other and cried and cried.

2 May 2009 Dearest Aly, The day went by in a blur. Your mum fell in and out of consciousness. All sorts of people streamed in to see you—friends, our entire cohort, our trainer, RJ and Aaron came and broke down. I had been by your side from the time I got to your house. I begged my mum to let me stay through the night and skip school the next day because it was the last night to be with you. I couldn’t leave you. Alexis and I spent the entire night reading letters which your friends had left you. I talked to you in my head. It felt unreal. The white coffin looked so fake, I wanted to lift it and shake you awake. You looked so unreal. You had makeup on; you never wear makeup! Never! Yet you looked so peaceful. I finally had a two-hour nap before dawn. Time flew by and before I knew it, the pastor had conducted a last service and asked everyone to gather around. I don’t remember what he said; I couldn’t listen. I just didn’t want to go through this. I didn’t want him to go on because it would all be over and it couldn’t be over because it just couldn’t. I didn’t want to hear what God wanted. I wanted God to give you back. Instead they pushed you into a van that was going to send you to the cremation place and we all started wailing. Everyone was silent in the bus. It was like some foreign place; huge, white and serious. We stopped outside the entrance while the pastor completed the service. Then your coffin was brought out. I felt some relief because you weren’t gone. I had to fight the urge to run up just to hold your hand for one last time. Then we were instructed to pile into one of the halls for the memorial service. Leaflets were handed out entitled “Remembered in Love”. I felt so sick. How was it that everything was so efficient? Did they want you to leave so soon? What was the meaning of this? The service was held in a hall that was huge, with a high ceiling and lit by orangey lights to make everything look softer. The hall was filled with people— your schoolmates and everyone else so they had to keep the doors open for the people standing outside. It was so draggy and sombre. But then again, what did I expect? Hardly anyone sang along with the pastor. Your godpa went up to the podium to give a speech because no one else was composed enough. I will always remember what he said—perfect child, best friend, dream child of many, got your work done without prompting, phenomenal results…did your chores while others tried to get out of theirs…exceeded expectations and never ever let anyone down. “Till now that is,” I thought to myself and cringed. Finally the coffin lid was removed and we were invited to drop flowers into your coffin. Your mum dropped piles of clothes for you to take to your afterlife. Everyone started crying. I didn’t want to leave you but the wall started lifting and the coffin automatically moved through the opening. I was clutching the edge of the coffin till someone pulled me away. Then we were ushered to the viewing platform. The coffin moved into the furnace and we had to watch the entire process, all of us screaming. We were reaching out with our hands…pounding against the glass of the viewing hall. And when the wall closed after the coffin went into the furnace, I fell apart. I didn’t know what I was doing any more. I wasn’t in control. I can’t even describe the pain, the hurt, the shock. Dad had to hold onto my waist to keep me from falling. My vision was blurred because I couldn’t stop crying. We were being directed to wait to board the bus but I just kept crying. Your mum fainted, your sister became hysterical. I didn’t know what to do. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nate. But I couldn’t even move. I didn’t believe it. What just happened????? I love you, Aly. I really do.

xoxo

12 May 2009 Watch you spin around Dear Aly, It’s been 12 days since you left the world. I’m still not used to you not being around. I cried so much! Miss you like shit. On 9 May, I went to the top of my block and I nearly jumped off. I couldn’t help it. For a few moments, I just thought of joining you! Nothing else mattered. But I guess the rational side of me took over. Besides, my legs had turned to jelly and I knew I could not go through with it. I was afraid of heights. Plus the thought of my parents falling apart like yours did had a sobering effect on me. I’m really sick of school. I’m not in the mood. Damn sick. Suddenly I feel kinda lost. IDK what to do. As in, like, how to spend my weekends now. Oh guess what, Nate wanted to accompany me to watch a movie today, so sweet, right?? The plans fell through because of school but it’s the thought that counts. Sam is a darling classmate! She came to my house specially to study with me! She did not want me to be alone. We studied in silence. We did not talk about you. I can’t…not yet. But every day, like a smack in my face, I am reminded that you are gone. Yeah I guess I really gotta let go of you. Wish you were still here. Well, I’ll update you soon.

Love, Lee-Ann

15 May 2009 Hanging by the moment Hey Aly, Today I went for counselling at SOS. I was nervous about going. Mum picked me up from school. She said that she had spoken to the counsellor so I did not even have to talk about you. But I did talk to Ophelia—she’s very awesome, man. Truly, she listened and she totally did not judge. I’m glad I talked about my feelings! I feel so much better. Guess what, Aly? I talked to God today! And I told him if Nate loves me or anything like that, just drop me a sign. AND Nate SMSed me! I guess you must know this as you are beside God or you probably knew the answer way before me. Like maybe God told you. But I still wanna share my joy with you! For you are my confidante. :) All right, I’m gonna study a bit of maths. Sleep tight in heaven. Give God a huge hug for me!

xoxo

22 May 2009 Hey there, Right now I’m missing you so much. I feel horrible. Why is this overwhelming feeling coming back? I need a hug. You were my best friend, my diary. I don’t want to hang in there any more! I don’t want to study any more. I dreamt of you last night. You came into the room and you told me you were not dead. And you showed me SMSs from your handphone to prove it. What does it mean? What are you trying to tell me? People keep telling me I gotta let you go. I know that. But, like hello? You’re the closest person in my life! It is not easy. I really don’t know how to let you go. I’m afraid I’ll forget you. I want to move on with my life. But it is so hard to imagine life without you. It seems like there is no meaning any more! We had so many plans—move out and get our own flat, travel together, go for movie marathons, go clubbing…where are you now?!! I want to join you. Really! We were so close, you have taken away a part of me. This really, really sucks. Mum’s been really great to the extent that I’m very touched. She has not been asking too many questions. And that’s really an effort for her. Do you miss me too? Do you think about me?

xoxo Lee-Ann

28 May 2009 Hello Aly, I’m in maths class now and obviously I’m bored and restless, that’s why I’m writing to you. I hope my teacher doesn’t catch me. Zhi Wei and Cassie and I have been talking a lot over these past weeks. And I told them about our whole history. About how we became so tight. I felt better when I was talking to them about you. It felt like you were not gone. I’m feeling tears welling up now. It’s been 28 days since you left. And I feel empty. I am kinda half expecting you to come back. Where are you now????????????? I think of you so often. Remember when we first sneaked out of your house to go to East Coast Park at night? You had to cover up your skimpy outfit with a huge shirt in case you got caught by your parents. It was fun just walking, talking and eating fries from McDonald’s. It was your first successful sneak out. We haven’t even tried sneaking into the pubs yet. We were gonna have the best times ever just hanging out. Aly, my confidante, my friend, where did you go?

xoxo

31 May 2009 So hard to say Aly, It’s the last day of May. Just realised I am alone again and this is the fifth Sunday I am spending in a daze. Although I’m around people, it gets really lonely on the inside. You know, I’m grateful to everyone. Like my parents especially for trying to accommodate me. They leave me alone. They don’t make me talk about you, which is good, ’cause I don’t think I could bear it. Today I felt mixed emotions. On the one hand I would love to have company. On the other hand, I was so afraid I’d forget how Sundays used to be with you! And that I’d get used to Sundays without you. That really freaked me out. I know it’s not good, but I’d rather be all weepy and draggy. At least I get to keep all the memories and I won’t forget you. At least I’d have something to hold on to. I still can’t believe it’s over. Deep down I keep thinking that you’re just away for a bit. Deep down in my heart, I’m still waiting for you to come back. I really miss you. It hurts REALLY bad.

xoxo

4 June 2009 Save me Hey Aly, I miss you so much. I feel like going into a deep slumber and having non-stop dreams of you. I know I’ll have to wake up but at least I’ll get to see you vividly. I don’t want to meet Gwen. I’m afraid that if we help each other get through this hard time, a bond will be built between us. And that idea scares me. I don’t want anyone to replace you. I hate feeling weak. But I can’t pick up the pieces of the mess you left behind. How am I ever gonna like, recover from this? I’d do anything if I could have 24 hours with you again. I guess another reason I don’t want to meet Gwen is that I’m scared I’ll end up losing her too. I don’t want to deal with the pain of losing someone again. I feel so useless. I hate myself so much. I can’t do anything well now.

5 June 2009 You lift my feet off the ground Hey Aly, Had a breakdown after the last entry. I’m taking a break from studying for now. A full break to take the pressure off. Not gonna touch any holiday homework or do revision or anything, nothing at all. So yesterday I went shopping with Gwen. I got a turquoise bag and two cute skirts. Retail therapy works wonders! But somehow it feels like déjà vu. It was like what we used to do, except it was somehow different. Doing the same thing but getting two different outcomes. With you, we’d talk non-stop, share almost the same taste, giggle, take photos—it was a totally girlie shopping thing. With Gwen, there’s just this invisible barrier. Sometimes when I was missing you too much, I’d look at her and think, why couldn’t she have gone instead? And I’d feel so horrible for thinking that way, so bitchy and wicked. I don’t want her to replace you in my life. I don’t want the bond with her to go further. In fact I don’t want any more bonds. I don’t want to have to deal with losing Nate either. I don’t know what I’ll do if an accident happens. It’s not even about the possibility of breaking up any more. I just want him safe. I need to know that I will hear his voice when I call his handphone. So I think I should stop it—tell him not to contact me, not to worry about me, not to be nice to me. Aly, I really want to call you, hear your voice, tell you everything and ask for your advice. Why can’t you pick up my call? Why don’t you reply? I’m scared of having the black hole nightmare again. I am in a black hole and I’m falling, like in Alice in Wonderland. And then I wake up with a jolt, crying. I hate sleeping…

xoxo

9 June 2009 Sing Hallelujah Hey Aly, Good news, I’m not going to give up on ‘O’ Levels. I made up my mind yesterday. So I’m gonna hang in there for you. And I realised, while taking this short break from school-work, that there are a lot of people who will support me: Nate, Xin Hui, Sam and Aaron. Yeah, so I shouldn’t give up. This won’t kill me, it will make me stronger, I guess. I mean I’m already halfway through. Might as well get it over and done with. Anyway I wanted you to be the first person to know about my decision.

xoxo

10 June 2009 To be on the edge of breaking down Dear Aly, Fuck, okay. I really hate this. Just fought with Dad. He didn’t allow me to fucking paste my photos up. He came in when I was doing my album of you. Just because he did not see me study, he assumed I was wasting my time. I’ve studied for like one hour, okay?! I feel so mad now. I feel demoralised. If you were here, I could totally text you and complain. I know you’d go: “WTF, man.” I’m sick of everything, sick of everyone. I don’t care about ‘O’ Levels any more. Meaningless fucking bits of paper! Who the fuck cares? I give no shit about the future. I may die tomorrow so why the hell think so far ahead? It’s just a bleak, blank white light! You left without any goodbyes. I really hate you for that. You said you’d always be there. You broke my heart and every fucking promise you made. But I love you too much to let the hatred take over. Everyone else should just fuck off. I don’t wanna go on with life.

Devastatingly yours, Lee-Ann

14 June 2009 My heart is numb, has no feeling Hey Aly, Today’s a happy day, compared to yesterday. Yesterday I went to the library. I thought of you and I cried a lot. But at least I didn’t fall apart and feel suicidal. Mum believes it is still possible to get all As. Gonna go for it! Just another four months. Watch over me, okay!!!

xoxo

16 June 2009 Just to feel the danger Hey Aly, I’m so pissed right now. I got into a fight with my mum yesterday. She’s just so unreasonable. She said that she has done a lot to help me. Hey, she can just leave me to die; it would suit me fine. I mean, I know she really helped me a lot and I’m grateful. But then again, it’s as if she is trying to take control of my life. At times like this I really miss you. I just need someone to rant to! And I know you would never ask me to ‘put myself in her shoes’. It irks me when people do that. Hello, I’m freaking 16. Of course I’ll consider her feelings and feel guilty later. That goes without saying. BUT, right now I just wanna feel pissed and have someone to rant to. And just be, you know, selfish! Honestly, is that too much to ask? Last nite, every single song I listened to evoked fresh tears. I felt angry with my mum, I felt angry that you had to leave. It’s also at times like this that I get so tired of life. And then in my head, I get angry with God. Why did he take you away? Why did he allow this to happen? Why did he let me feel abandoned? I just don’t understand. And I’ll probably never get an answer. I really hate emotion-overload days, Aly. For one thing, I cannot identify with some of my emotions. So what if Nate is amazing? So what if I have a brand new (kinda) relationship with Mum? So what if our family has gotten closer? I’d exchange all of these for you, Aly. And yet I know it doesn’t fucking matter. You are gone. Burnt to ashes. You can never come back. That really sucks. I wanna join you. But I know the implications are just too big. I don’t wanna cause more grief but sometimes it’s so tempting. Just one fall and I’ll meet you. I feel so sorry for Aaron. You guys were probably the perfect match. For him life is meaningless without you. And I can definitely understand that. I just miss you so much. Too much to put into words.

xoxo

20 June 2009 PAIN so raw Dearest Aly, I am feeling super crappy right now. It seems like nothing I do or say can make things right again! I hate it when people say, “I’m sure she wouldn’t wanna see you this way.” It is so easy to deliver all that clichéd bullshit but how can they ever comprehend? I wish they could feel the complexity of what I feel, then perhaps they can gradually understand in the right way. Where are you now? Can I get there somehow? Why do people expect me to get on with life as if nothing has happened? I’m supposed to be grieving, aren’t I? In shock, traumatised and angsty, no? Ophelia gave me a book which was written by a survivor of suicide and she’s far worse. The suicide of her father brought back memories of the suicide of her mum. Ahh, it’s so unfair. I had no chance to say a proper goodbye to you. I didn’t hug you for the last time. Not fair at all. :’-(

xoxo

21 June 2009 “A perfectionist like you brought sunshine to my life” Dearest Aly, After so long I finally got the courage to change my handphone’s wallpaper picture. Perhaps I’ve started to let go a little. In some ways, I feel happy ’cause I think you won’t be so worried. You won’t need to keep feeling worried about the consequences you left behind. On the other hand, I’m afraid too. People keep telling me I won’t forget you. But I’m really afraid it’s happening. Why is it that some days I can totally look at your photo and smile? Some days when I look up at the sky I lose it and just cry. IDK. Some days I wonder why someone as beautiful as you and perfect—why did you wanna end it? There’s so much more in life you’ve yet to discover, man. Why did you let things affect you so much? Weren’t you gonna have this happy ending with Aaron? What was it that made you wanna throw it all away? Sometimes I stare at the photo and I just cannot believe that you are…gone…forever. Though I’ve been forced to accept reality, some part of me is still hoping for a miracle, that somehow you’ll come back. IDK what I’m holding on to, but I just don’t want to let go. The idea of me getting used to life without you just seems so foreign. It belongs to another world. That is just not me. I really h8 it when people comfort me with their clichéd shit. I mean, honestly, I’ve just lost my confidante, my soulmate, my best friend. Do I look like I give a shit about studies? OMG seriously! Life has totally lost its meaning for me. I also h8 it when people say I should “study to honour you”. WTF is that, man! So what if I get straight As? Will that bring you back? Huh! No! So they should seriously shut up. Aly, thanks to you I’m now afraid of being alone. I know I’ll end up crying. I’m afraid of being abandoned. I’m really afraid of losing Nate. I’m just a walking zombie! An empty shell! You said you’d always be a ring away, and always be there for me. Why is it now whenever I feel my lowest, you never pick up? I feel like a part of me is gone too. I hate it.

xoxo

23 June 2009 Hey Aly, I dreamt of you last night. I was with RJ and we were in this lift. And suddenly it stopped at the 13th floor. And then it was you, Gwen and me at a sportsplace-cum-haunted-house thing. We were getting bored waiting for our turn so you suggested running. And so we ran. But then you got mad at Gwen and we went back to sit on the sofa and I called Nate. It was just so bizarre. But I saw you again! That was so cool. I feel so helpless. I was looking at your pic. You affect my emotions so much. It’s weird, the way I write it seems like I’m your lover or something. But I really, really love you. I’m texting Xin Hui now, we really miss you a lot. Everyone keeps telling me I’m not the only one feeling sad, I’m not the only one all alone. But deep down it’s bullshit. I am with people who love me but on the inside, I’m alone emotionally. Also the sadness is ripping away inside. Nothing I do can make it feel better. Everyone thinks I’m getting better. The truth is I know I’ll never ever get better. I’m scarred for life. Your departure has affected me irreversibly. I feel raw. They say the truth hurts but it also sets you free. For me the pain is like a tidal wave, pulling me under, never allowing me to resurface. Damn, I want a million bear hugs.

24 June 2009 Dear Aly, Heaven is so awesome, yes? I used to think heaven was an abstract idea meant to make us feel better. It is one of the many lies we tell ourselves to make excuses for our fear of death. We are all human, just human. Who wouldn’t be afraid of death? We all wanna be immortal. Because death is something unknown we don’t know or rather don’t want that to happen because we don’t know what to expect. (Well, duh, if people who have been through that can tell us, they wouldn’t be dead, right?) Therefore in comes the concept of heaven or reincarnation to make ourselves feel better. To cover our insecurities. To hide the fact that actually we are being self-delusional. I couldn’t accept that. Therefore I didn’t go to church. I couldn’t accept God 100 per cent into my life. Well that was before… Now all I can do is cry. I can’t do anything else. When I go to places that hold our memories I realise that I can never have new memories with you again. Didn’t you love me too? I’m sorry for not being good enough. I really feel guilty for not picking up your phone call that night. Really. Really. Why, Aly, why?

xoxo

25 June 2009 So I said, am I being weird? Dearest Aly, Yesterday I dreamt that you and I were both in JC. We were having so much fun though now the dream is very vague and faint. Feel empty knowing it is impossible.

xoxo

26 June 2009 Ended with a true note Hey Aly, Last night, I couldn’t get to sleep till about one plus. And I kept thinking of you. Now that I’m actually able to focus on studying sometimes, does that show that I’m recovering? I feel guilty as though I’ve betrayed your memory. Wow! Time has really passed. Soon it’ll be two months since you left. They all wonder in amazement why you would throw it all away. But I know deep down you were not happy, and struggling to cope. Then I wonder if perhaps you would have been happy if you had taken a break, a holiday, to run away from the cruel world. I really feel damn guilty for not picking up your phone call. Perhaps if I had picked up, I could have convinced you there’s more fun to life or even if it wasn’t in my power to stop you, perhaps say a proper goodbye and tell you how much I love you.

xoxo

27 June 2009 Hey A, Bought a brand new book for my letters to you! I missed you quite a lot last nite. Talked to Mark and finally met Yen. She seems nice and very, very strong (forgive the ugly handwriting, using a skinny pen). Today’s meeting with HIM had both good and bad points. I was freaking paranoid at first. Yeah, am obviously at the losing end, no? I like him and I think he knows it too. But I don’t know what’s on HIS mind. But I kept telling myself that it was okay ’cause at least now I know that he’s not seeing me out of pity? That’s the greatest relief ever. It was super funny at the cinema ’cause we had each bought a pair of tickets before meeting; he had to get a refund on his pair. He had to leave after the movie ’cause he had been out the whole day. I rode the MRT with him for part of the way ’cause I had time to kill. It was only on the train ride to Novena station that I lost control. I very nearly cried. I kept staring at the floor. I was so afraid that I would cry. I kept quiet ’cause I was having flashbacks of the last time you and I were at Novena station. Tears welled up. But I looked away. After we parted ways, I decided to go to Heeren. Wanted to feel close to you. Then I cried ’cause usually you would be there chilling with me, and I missed you like shit. It was so fucked up. But well it was still an awesome day.

29 June 2009 “Love it when you call but you never call at all” Dearest Aly, Today was the first day of semester two! I cried really badly last nite. At first it was just silent tears down my face. After a while, like about 40 minutes later, I climbed out of bed and sat on the floor. Hugged my knees and the real deal came. I sobbed non-stop. I cried and wailed. There were a few times when I just wanted to hug Mum or Dad so badly but I resisted ’cause I didn’t want them to worry or go into paranoid mode. What triggered these tears?? Yesterday your sister Alexis invited me over. Well, I went even though I knew it was gonna tear me apart. There was this very annoying small voice just warning me not to. But I still went ’cause I wanted to feel you. Not being able to visit you at your niche makes me feel like I can’t see you. That sucks so I just had to make do with your house…Alexis opened up to me about her personal stuff. She had some weight issues and I was taken aback but I did not judge because I felt that you would have wanted me to be there for her. I missed you so much I wanted to talk to someone about it. I saw your room…empty. I just didn’t know how to feel. Felt so sick. And sad. I left after a very short while ’cause I could not bear the pain that was rising in my heart.

xoxo

2 July 2009 DON’T LET ME GO Dear Aly, Had another breakdown today on the way to school. Was sent to the principal’s office. I feel damn confused. I’m still trying to figure out my life. Seriously, it’s just damn tempting to give up on ‘O’ Levels. But what’s the effing use? Screw my life up? It’s not like it can bring you back. And I’ve just a few more months to go. I don’t want to repeat one whole year doing the same thing over. OMG, man, that’s just not me. I won’t make that mistake. Today the policeman came. He made me mad. He said: “I suppose we can safely say this is puppy love.” How could he say that?! I wanted to slap his bloody face there and then. Besides, I noticed he didn’t have a ring on his ring finger. I was so tempted to say, “Hey I bet you are saying that ’cause you didn’t even have a chance at puppy love.” Would have been fun to see his face huh? But Mum and Dad were there, so had to be on my best behaviour. IDK what to do. I’m literally lost without you. I know I’ll never be fine. Today’s the beginning of July. And I still tear up thinking of you. It’s that bad. I detest everyone who tries to be optimistic. It’s not that I don’t wanna be. If I could, I would. But the thing is, I can’t. And I’m very pissed with Mum. She doesn’t feel the pain I feel. She’s always telling me stupid stuff like “it’s time to let go slowly” or “the pain is being boxed up, you need to open the box”. Aly, I’m losing faith. I guess I’m really a fool for opening up to Gwen. I regret all the shit I’ve told her. I hate feeling like I betrayed you. Aly, I’d give anything for you to be here again. No one can replace you in my life. I need a confidante like you because you’re so special. And you understand exactly how I feel. So I have no qualms opening up to you. I guess I can trust no one now. Really hate it. Aly, where the fuck are you?!?!!! Aly, I’m gonna sleep like now. Try to. Night night.

xoxo

3 July 2009 Aly, I feel so angry. My form teacher keeps pushing me to go for counselling. I don’t know why she bothers to try. I mean, I’m all closed up and I know exactly what she thinks, thanks very much. Remember how I wanted to be with you on the last night of your wake? I called her in the morning, and she told me not to be silly…that you were already dead and skipping the exams wouldn’t bring you back so I should sit for the exams. OMG! She can’t get through to me, so she gets Frankie to pass me counselling appointment slips time and again. I don’t get why it’s so hard to accept that I do not want to go. I’ve taken to crumpling the paper in front of Frankie and throwing it away. Okay, so I feel slightly bad for him, it isn’t his fault. He’s just carrying out orders. But honestly, like they would ever get it. Besides, I’ve got Ophelia at SOS. Ophelia just listens to me rant, and does not nag…I need that. I can talk or even break down without feeling like she does not know what to say. Come on, I know that Stan, WenWen and Jess have been forced to attend counselling before because of bad behaviour or family problems. But all the counsellor did was act like some preachy pastor and try to get them to talk about their feelings. What??????????????????? How is that even going to help? And because he is one of those faithful Catholics, he actually asks you to pray. And if you aren’t Catholic, he’ll pray for you. What???????????? I am having a religious crisis here, I am mad at God; I do not want to pray. They are crazy. OMG as if school isn’t draggy and tiring enough, why must they pester me. Can’t they just bugger off?

6 July 2009 SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE? Dear Aly, Last week in school we had this video presentation on premarital sex education. It was so stupid and retarded. Really! This guy said: “Your parents tell you if you jump off a building, you will die. And you do not say, ‘Oh let me jump off’ and see if you really die. You can’t learn it the hard way because you can’t defy gravity. So sex before marriage is like jumping off a building. You know you can’t do it, and as long as it’s rooted deeply enough in you, you won’t cross the line.” That is the most absurd shit ever! It’s a touchy topic, okay! Don’t use jumping off a building as a bloody example. You still jumped, so he should just fuck off. As if my day wasn’t bad enough, Ms T came over in class to talk to me. And you know how I can clam up when people try to deliver clichéd shit. She said: “Your friend is dead, you can’t bring her back. But you can do the exams because you have to.” WTF??? Anyway I just wrote to tell you Aaron’s feeling kinda down lately. So please ask God to send him an extra dosage of strength, willpower and grace, okay? I’m keeping a lookout for him…but I guess it won’t be the same ’cause he’s lost a girlfriend while I’ve lost a confidante. I guess I can sympathise at a certain level when we talk about feeling like we’ve lost a soulmate but I can’t empathise on the lover part. Sigh. Got to go now.

xoxo

7 July 2009, three more months to ‘O’ Levels I’m aiming for the sky! Hey Aly, Had counselling with Ophelia today. I think today I really shared a lot. I told her about my frustrations. I think I had let everything become bottled up for too long. And it all came gushing out. Especially the part about how it irks me that they don’t get how I feel, and when I say I’ll never be okay…I’m really grateful that she understood where I was coming from, so perhaps that’s why I look forward to seeing her? IDK. Anyway, I left SOS with… mixed emotions today. I don’t know why but it wasn’t the usual good feeling I got. I didn’t get the light-hearted feeling. I left feeling kinda confused though I know or think that I’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re gone. But it doesn’t take the pain away…at all. I still miss you every single day. Without warning, at any time of the day, I’d have a flashback of a certain time we spent together or I’d wonder what you would have said or done. To be honest, I’m not only pissed that friends, Mummy and even Nate and Gwen try to be really unnecessarily optimistic. I’m also disappointed. I expected they would understand. I think I can get through this week knowing I’ll be able to see you on Sunday at the niche.

xoxo

10 July 2009 Hey Aly, Last night was absolutely one of my best nights ever to keep in my chest of memories with Nate. I sneaked out of the house and met Nate at the playground downstairs. We sat there, side by side, and caught up. It was almost as if we wanted to catch up on all the time we’d lost. I love listening to his stories about school and his life. I just love listening to his voice. After that, I walked him to the mall nearby to withdraw cash ’cause he needed money to cab back home. I really didn’t want him to leave. The mall looked sooooooooo spooky, it honestly felt like one of those zombie shows where there might be zombies coming out to attack us any minute. It was eerily silent. He just held my hand and I fell silent. I didn’t know what to think. It felt lovely, and perfect. :) Then we went to withdraw money and only I could get the ATM to work, soooooooo I’ve got magic fingers!!! Hahahahaha. Is it possible to be happy? I’m guessing you know all this as you can see me from heaven, but I just wanted you to know.

x

11 July 2009 “They’re not enough” Hey Aly, Three insufferable days have passed. In school I listen if there’s a lesson, otherwise I just sleep through most of my classes. Like two nights ago I got fucking emo! I ended up showing Nate my vulnerable side. And it was so bad I had no energy to feel angry when he responded with optimism. I said something like: “I wanna die”. He asked me not to put my parents through what yours went through. Seriously, is he dumb? I remember the time I first asked Nate if he liked me. And he said no. And I called you straight away and cried on the phone for ages. And you comforted me. I really wonder where you are now. Right now, I just want to sit with you on the beach and talk to you. Have an awesome heart-to-heart with you. Nothing else. It’s that simple. I also want hugs from you. I’ve got a picture of us. We were so happy. Talking crap…that was definitely one of my best days spent with you. I want to hear your laughter, I want to read your SMSs and I wanna bake with you. I wanna talk to you, have sleepovers with you and sneak outs with you. NO, IT’S NOT ALL RIGHT. I’m afraid it will never be. Aly, where the fuck are you? Please come back. Please. This is killing me. This is a huge great freaking mess. “Do you know what’s worth fighting for? When it’s not worth dying for?”

xoxo

14 July 2009 “LISTEN TO THE THUNDER” Hey Aly, You must be so proud of me! I studied one whole day straight through! And with lots of drive, mugged for ‘O’ Levels. Had school, went to tuition, came home, did maths, chemistry and geography notes. And read through physics! Ha ha yeah. Today I kept having flashbacks of you. I kept thinking of Sunday. It’s really the random and little things that remind me of you! Like that day, I was just flipping through the calendar. It had ads, right? There was an ad on bipolar depression or something. It made me think of you ’cause everyone keeps using ‘depression’ as your official reason. Or sometimes, I’d just think of the days when I’d message you when I’m bored, and you’ll reply me; miss having that in my inbox. Hey, you’re like my diary. Where the hell are you?! There’s so much I want to say.

xoxo

15 July 2009 So screwed Dear Aly, Hey, I cried just now…I guess the tear tank is still there. And I miss you like shit. I don’t wanna be alone any more. So sometimes I feel like joining you…a fleeting moment of wanting to give it all up. Knowing I’ll see you in heaven in less than a minute…so tempting. Was happy since Sunday. Then I guess today I got damn emotional. I was so freaked out by the fact that my tears didn’t come flowing when I thought of you in the train. So it was like I was crying without the waterworks. Just the pain and heavy feeling in my chest. It was only when I reached home that I started to cry properly. Am I letting go? Or moving on? Or stuck in the middle? How is it possible that I got through the week without feeling sad? Nate did play a huge part in it by texting me all day. Does that mean I’m letting go of you? It’s confusing. I love that I seem to be getting stronger bit by bit. But I hate that it feels like I’m letting go of you ’cause then I’d lose my connection with you. I’m quite worried about your Aaron. He seems driven on some days. And other days I guess he’s just feeling empty? He likes keeping to himself. I’ll update you again, tmr.

Love, Lee-Ann

16 July 2009 “We’ll do it all, everything” Hey Aly, Today I feel much more still and peaceful. Like I always do after I’m done crying everything out. The tear tank theory, like my counsellor Ophelia says. I hold it all in for a few days till I can’t and then I cry and I feel better again. But soon it starts to fill up again. It’s a vicious circle. I have to avoid crying too badly at night ’cause when I wake up, my eyes get swollen and everything. Life sucks, then you die.

xoxo

17 July 2009 It’s so hard to say I’m sorry Aly, Do you think I’ll ever be okay? Why did you break all your promises? I’ve spent more than two months without you now. And I feel so helpless knowing that time still goes on, and life does go on. I’ve got to watch time pass me by and there is still nothing I can do to bring you back. That realisation really sucks a lot. There is nothing within my power that I can do to bring you back and I feel really upset about that. As I write to you I sometimes imagine that you’re just away for a bit and you’re gonna come back, somehow. In the card you made for me in March, you said that you’d be strong and you’d live on, and you’d always be a phone call away. Now every time my phone reports that “message could not be delivered to Aly”, I feel as though someone has slapped me hard or stabbed me in the heart. Why did you choose to leave and put us through all this? I’ve yet to come to terms with the truth and I just don’t know what to do about the feelings I feel and the complexity of it all. Why does death exist? Why must it bring so much pain to us? Why must people have bonds and ties? Why must you leave? I don’t know what I want in life any more. Anyway just so you know, Nate’s been so amazing and I just feel so blessed. These few days, I’ve been remembering the whole funeral process and how lost and dazed I felt. Nothing can ever be the same again. The sight of you in the box gave my heart an icy feeling. I just can’t fathom why you threw it all away. I don’t know what you are trying to tell me. Now I can’t ask you, can I? And how could you choose to give up on Aaron? I just feel so, so empty. And nothing’s gonna change, right? Everyone else is gonna move on and I’m gonna be stuck here in time with you. I can’t do this, okay? I just can’t.

21 July 2009 “Better part of me” Hey Aly, Do you think my relationship with Mum will ever get better?! Sometimes I feel so tempted to run away from home, just to make her sick with worry. Girl, I really need you in my life. Everyone’s so cold these days, I feel really alone now. Even Xin Hui and I seem to have drifted apart. It just sucks. Oh, and both my parents have PMS! I hate it when they both vent their anger on me. I know I’m difficult and emotional. But I’m having the worst time of my life, okay? How much more can I stand? Putting on a façade is really tiring. I miss texting you! I still can’t bring myself to delete your msgs…your photos. It doesn’t make sense. You know, last Sunday, Mum just got so freaked ’cause she received an SMS from your mum that I was planning to commit suicide. It seems like a good plan. I wasn’t even going to do it. Some idiot went around spreading rumours. So freaking childish. Like seriously, as if my mum isn’t paranoid enough. Please come back. Aaron got so emotional last night. He called me, he was crying. I think we are both wandering lost souls. Nate can take some of the pain away. But the pain and damage you did when you decided to…it can never be fixed. I’m really sorry for not being good enough to save you. I’m sorry I failed to notice how very unhappy you were. I want to go see your urn. It’s the only link I’ve got to feel close to you. So I guess I’m gonna go. Three months more to ‘O’ Levels. My prelims start next month.

x

26 July 2009 This time it’s real Dear Aly, Went up to the 26th floor of my block today. I felt you. Felt really close. The skies were just calling out. And the wind was so strong I could feel you. And I cried. I feel so much closer to you whenever I come up here. But I just can’t bring myself to jump too. So many people need me. I just can’t. I don’t think I can wait any longer. I’m gonna visit your urn soon. I really feel torn, as though I’m forced to be apart from you. So many times a day I find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call you. It sucks that you can’t answer your phone any more. You know, on Gwen’s birthday I met up with Nate. We had bubble tea together. It was just for a while. These are the kinda things I wanna tell you on the phone…but I can’t. And it really really sucks.

28 July 2009 I didn’t want to go on Dear Aly, I am so afraid. Finals are coming. I’m running out of time. Why did you have to go? I want to know. Till this day I blame myself. I failed to detect something wrong in your msg the night before. You said you felt at peace. I should have known it meant you were going to leave. And I feel damn shit. I shouldn’t have slept. The last time I saw you was before I got on the bus, and I said, “Anything, msg yeah? Take care!” You smiled and walked down the road to your house. That was the last time. I wished I had stayed. I wished I had a chance to stop you. I’ve lost my drive, studying alone without you. I feel so utterly unmotivated. What should I do? The other day Nate and I were talking. And he asked me to promise to live on if anything happened to us. I told him I couldn’t. I couldn’t take it if he went. I wouldn’t be able to live. Aly, right now I’m staring at our picture, taken at the class BBQ. There’s a painful feeling in my chest. It’s one of those reality check times. And today I realised I can’t watch any more movies with you. You told me in one of the cards you gave me, “Never, never, never give up—trust in the Lord!” What happened? You broke all your promises! And now because of you I don’t have the faith to believe in forever. I feel so thankful that I have Nate. But I don’t want him to leave like you did. Life will really never be the same. How the fuck do you expect me to live on? Nate gives me love. But even he can’t take away the empty feeling I have. Everything reminds me of you.

x

29 July 2009 Dear Aly, I’m gonna see you tomorrow. After being apart for so long. Can finally see you tomorrow. Hopefully, I can feel better after tmr. I’ve been thinking about the time we went shopping after studying at the library! It was just awesome. I miss you so much. You don’t pick up your phone calls any more! You went back on all of your promises. How could you!

xoxo Lee-Ann

30 July 2009 Aly, I’m in class now but I can barely focus. I feel as though something’s swallowing me up on the inside. I dread going to the niche. But it’s the only thing I’ve got left of you. I’ve got to do it. I cannot wait any longer.

xoxo Lee-Ann

31 July 2009 Don’t ever leave Hey Aly, I’ve got so much to update you on! Like two days ago Mum found out abt the sneak out night!! She said a lot of mean stuff like I was using you as an excuse to grieve. And that I was taking advantage of her. And she kept rambling on abt the consequences if someone tried to rape me. She took my phone away and checked my messages and said a lot of other mean things which I don’t feel like repeating. Like seriously, firstly she invaded my privacy! And hello, I’m like freaking 16! And it’s not like everything we talk about is sex, sex, sex, right? Anyway I can’t be bothered to explain. She thinks time will heal the wounds. She’s wrong again. I had counselling with Ophelia and we agreed that I would call the SOS hotline to talk if I had suicidal thoughts. Missed you a lot this week. And when I decided I was going see you on Thursday I did not know what to expect at all. It was the first time I was going to the niche, to be near you in the urn. And it would be my first time seeing you there. I remember asking Xin Hui about the niche because I did not want to run the risk of my mum turning paranoid again. She said it was filled with rows. And all I had to do was search for the row of David—fifth row. In my head I imagined rows that would be one level higher so I would have to climb steps. But it turned out to be nothing like I had imagined. I was already dreading the whole thing during E. Maths. I texted Nate and then took a cab from the MRT station. I really needed Nate with me but I guess it was something I had to do and face on my own. When I got off the cab, I went to the toilet to wash my face, taking my own sweet time, subconsciously trying to prolong the moment because I was afraid. Afraid to face this unknown alone. It took me 15 minutes of wandering around before I opened the door to the chapel. When I first stepped in, it was dark and gloomy, exactly like how I felt. Yet, there was this stillness and silence and the cold air made me move forward. I found the aisle of David by chance. My heart was beating faster. I walked so damn fast, I must have missed your name. And when I couldn’t find you, I panicked. I had to retrace my steps. I walked back. This time slowly, and then I saw your Big Bird keychain, and your photo. I had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep myself from screaming. Then I cried, the full waterworks. I slid to the floor and hugged my knees and cried. It was worse than all those nights when I cried for you. This time I was wailing and howling. I sat and read the letters which I wrote to you and then I cried even more. Seeing your face in a small circle with the words and quotes from the Bible somehow made everything more real. Then and there it hit me, you were truly gone. All the flowers that your family had made to decorate the small little square made me feel worse. What was left of an amazing person was a small square… Thank God that no one else came to see their loved ones at that time because I was such a full-blown nuisance. I was wailing out loud and telling you about my mum being a paranoid bitch, and I kept asking you “WHY?” And I thank God that Nate didn’t arrive earlier to see me in that state. But I guess it was good in a way, ’cause I felt really connected to you. After Nate came, he sat beside me and put his arms around me while I cried. I lingered and I really didn’t wanna leave. :(

xoxo PS. I look up at the sky each night and wonder just where you are.

2 August 2009 Am just so fucking depressed Aly, I feel so fucking depressed. I really hate my life now. Nobody knows how I feel. I really wanna die. I just wanna die. I just wanna end it once and for all. I don’t want to live any more. I want to run away from home. Yeah really wanna run away, never come home to this place, one that’s without warmth and love. I really don’t want to be in this house any longer. She wants to call Nate’s parents and talk about my relationship with him. He did not even do anything wrong. And it’s all going to be my fault. I don’t want to be humiliated. I don’t want to put up with this shit. I don’t want to give him any more trouble. He’s already been understanding. Perhaps I should just die. It would end everything. Since she says my existence is wearing her out. Yeah I should just do that.

xoxo

6 August 2009 Physics is such a guy thing Hey Aly, Did you think of us? We love you so much. Didn’t you want to go to JC? Why did you give it up? You yourself said, “Never, never, never give up—trust in the Lord!” And yet you went back on what you preached. It’s so fucking hard for me to keep my word too. I’m still struggling and it’s just not easy. I got my phone back from the repair shop and all the messages were gone. All of Nate’s were gone. I felt sad losing his messages. But I felt empty without yours. Now I can’t even look at your msgs when I’m missing you. Just left with pictures. It’s really killing me. I went to the library and it reminded me of the time when we studied together and the fat lady kept complaining that we were too giggly. I read your letters and tears welled up. I can’t help it. Especially towards the end when you wrote about our goals together and the part when you wrote abt Aaron. It was so beautiful. Aly, look after Aaron, please, please. It kills me to see him in pain when there’s nothing much I can do. At least I have Nate. There are days when I can feel light and strong and just be happy for you. But some days, especially when it rains, it feels like you are crying too. Sometimes I feel like giving up and just following suit. Maybe I would be happy up there.

xoxo

10 August 2009 Have I lost you or found you? Aly, Time flies. I’m very afraid. For one, I’ve really procrastinated and have not studied much. I just don’t want 2010 to come so quickly! It’ll feel like you’ve come to an end too. There are so many things that remind me of you. I still remember.

14 August 2009 Aly, Yesterday was more than three months since I last saw you, since the last minutes I spent with you. And I know one thing for sure that’s been true all along— it is that I’m never going to be better. Yesterday was a long and tiring day for us all. It started with Chad breaking down in the morning which caused me to turn all angsty. I was already having a mental block ’cause I couldn’t recall a single shit about physics. And I know I didn’t study well. Physics paper turned out to be okay in the end. I was able to fill in three-quarters of the paper. Also, yesterday’s prelim gave me an idea of what to expect for ‘O’ Levels, which isn’t really THAT scary. So I went for tuition and then Aaron went to see you. When Chad was crying I tried to comfort them both. But I was just feeling alone too. And so yesterday at night I cried. But not for a long time because Daddy came in. I had to stop because I did not want him to worry. He tucked me into bed. But the pain inside was amplified like 10,000 times. Hearing Nate’s voice only made things slightly better. I still feel raw. How long more? It really, really hurts. It really does.

xoxo

15 August 2009 Tonight alone in my room Hey Aly, I’m feeling really lost now. I’m about to break down any moment. I’m just trying to keep myself together for my parents because I don’t want to scare them. I HATE you for leaving. “Why does she have to come down so hard on me?” You asked me this question last year when you were complaining about Gwen. I struggled for words in order to comfort you. I really wanted to say, “I’m sure deep down Gwen cares about you”, but I couldn’t because I really didn’t know myself. Now I ask you, “Why do you have to come down so hard on me???” How could you just abandon me when we had made so many plans together? Every time I feel desperate I start thinking that I’d do anything to bring you back. But what’s the point of saying that? It really doesn’t matter any more, Aly. What’s left of you now is…this is something which we’ve got to come to terms with. But it gets hard to block out the pain. Why choose this way? I really wanna think it’s God’s calling. But how could God allow this to happen? Grant you eternal peace and leave the rest of us hurting? I want more moments with you. I still see you in class and when I walk out of school. I turn my head and I can see you. But you’re not really there. Three months, 15 days. How much longer? I really don’t know if I can take this. This is just not right. It doesn’t make sense. Please show me the sense in this. How can any good come out of this? Aly, I don’t like you…you make me cry so much! How could you be so selfish? I really really loved you, my best friend ever. I really miss all the times we had together. What’s the point of pulling myself together when you are never coming back? How could you break all your promises, how could you?

xoxo

16 August 2009 Dear Diary, Right now I don’t know what to do. The pain is engulfing me again. I think I’ll screw up my prelims. Why, why, why have I so many emotions? Nothing is right. I can’t even write about my feelings now. I can’t make words flow. Do you think I’ll ever be okay abt Aly? IDK. I don’t even cry every day. But I miss her every day. Sometimes I feel bad. It’s as though I’m betraying her. You think I should move on too? You think? And I really hate that people are saying, “Think of what she wants to see you as…” Because when I ask myself that, I find I have no answer, because I can’t like talk to her any more. So I’ll never know the right answer, will I? So honestly they should shut up. Nothing can bring her back…and that really sucks. I try my best not to think of that. You know it’s really funny. I used to think that my equation was best friend and boyfriend. The two most important people in my life and I would do anything to protect them, make them safe and happy, even at the expense of my life. When my boyfriend Nate left last year, my best friend Aly became the only thing that saw me through. And in April my best friend was gone. I honestly felt like my world had lost its light. And then Nate slowly surfaced in my life again. He became the beacon of light and hope. I used to think that he was the only thing that could make it right again. As long as he came back my pain would be over. But it didn’t work like that. He came back and made me whole again only with regards to my heartbreak over our break up. But the pain I feel over Aly is still there…the empty feeling didn’t go away like I thought it would. It was two separate pains. Aly, I love you always. It’s a promise I can keep.

xoxo

24 August 2009 Aly, I’m scared. What if Nate leaves me? I just thought of the pain the first time he left…and I remember how hurt and empty I felt then. I couldn’t even feel angry. But at least I still had you then. Aly, I remember meeting up with you the very next day and you said something that really gave me hope. You said, “If you guys are meant to be together, he’ll come back some day. And I believe he will.” And here I am vulnerable again. I hate that I can’t call you and whine. And abt you, I don’t know what to say any more. Just know that I’m missing you very badly now. I feel weak and I don’t wanna carry on. “When you’re gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you.”

xoxo

29 August 2009 Aly, Today, Ophelia told me I was really impulsive. IDK, she gave me a lot to think about again. I really want to study. I want to get my studies back in order but…it’s really, really hard. And it’s not like I’m some superhuman. Sometimes, giving up really seems like a better option. I still don’t believe in death. As in, it doesn’t feel real that you’re gone. I find myself asking: “What’s death again?” Death is so hard to deal with. How can it be that someone is suddenly gone? Just vanished from the face of the earth? It’s just impossible. Unreal. Today, I just feel so lonely. I have this weird, tranquil feeling inside of me. Feels really peaceful, but I feel very alone.

Lovingly yours, Lee-Ann

30 August 2009 Aly girl, Today all the memories just came flooding back and I remember how you scared the shit out of me back in January. I remember how frantic I was when you did not show up. My heart was racing. You were supposed to meet me two hours earlier at the library. I asked you where you were; my phone buzzed and your message read: “I’m somewhere high; I see the birds, they’re flying. And they look so free”. It was then that I got really panicky. I called you and you hung up on me. I called repeatedly until you picked up. You sounded like you were crying. After much coaxing you told me you were at some HDB block. I immediately ran towards RJ’s place ’cause his flat was the nearest to yours. I called RJ and he said he was in school studying so he couldn’t meet me and I hung up out of frustration. I tried Dan because he was supposed to study with us, and he told me to decide what to do because you said not to tell anyone. But I needed help and I was scared. We ran around in circles and tried different blocks. I called you and you alternated between hanging up, sending me cryptic messages and switching your phone off. Whenever you picked up, you were crying. Listening to you cry made me feel even more helpless. Finally, through tears, I managed to coax out clues that would lead us nearer to where you were. That was when we saw you—on the top floor of the car park in the next block. I told you to stay where you were and we ran towards you. I climbed up to the top floor and approached you. You had white stuff on your face; you must have been lying on the white floor. Your eyes were glassy and you looked so confused; you didn’t recognise me. You mumbled something and you were holding onto a penknife in one hand. I tried to calm you down. At that point two policemen approached us. They asked you if you were okay and you insisted rudely that you were. They said they received some calls from residents living nearby that you were trying to jump. You suddenly bolted. We chased after you and Dan tried to stop you but you ran past him and fell. There were two police cars and an ambulance parked near him. I didn’t know what to think, I thought Dan had called the police! The policemen pinned you down and you started screaming. They got you into their car that was parked on the second floor. I wanted to go to you but one of the policemen stopped me. I said please let her go, I’ll take care of her! But they didn’t allow it. I felt so helpless and scared. I’d never seen men in blue before. I had never seen you out of control before. You felt like someone I did not know; you were so hysterical. You kept screaming at them. The medics got a stretcher out of the ambulance and tried to get you out of the police car to the stretcher but you refused. It took some time before they got you into the ambulance. In March when you told me that Aaron had come back to you, I got worried. But I encouraged you because I knew that deep down you couldn’t let him go. You kept assuring me you were okay. On 29 April you said you had been feeling peaceful for the past few days. At that point I really didn’t know what to tell you. I still believed that you and Aaron were meant to be together but you said you loved that peaceful feeling and that you did not want any more contact with him. So I told you to follow your heart. I wanted you to be happy. You may have found eternal peace now but this is not the way. I know it’s really selfish of me but I want you back. How could you leave me? After that night in Jan, you told me you wouldn’t ever do that again. You would stay strong and would love yourself. And you broke all your promises. I don’t think I can trust anyone any more. IDK…I’m having doubts about Ophelia. Somehow I managed to keep my feelings from her. I did not tell her how empty I’ve been feeling these days. Why did you choose to do this? I’m really, really, really scared. I feel like crying but tears won’t fall.

Lee-Ann PS. Time isn’t a healer at all.

3 September 2009 Something random 2025, wherever I am, I’ll do something that will be significant to us. I’ll be 32 years old. And who knows what I’ll be doing by then? :)

14 September 2009 Aly, Do you think I’ll be able to make it? I really don’t know. Gonna give it my best shot. And I’m feeling really sleepy now. I’ll just study through. Yeah. On a lighter note, I’m seeing Nate on Monday. Good way to kick-start my holidays. My eyes are so tired that I can hardly write. OMG if I go to bed I swear I’ll fall asleep. Never say never!! That’s our song. Miss that boy. I haven’t seen him in weeks because of preparation for prelims. Sucks being in different schools. But yay!! Seeing him on Monday. I’ll probably wear either my white shirt or yellow tank top with my pale blue skirt, can right? Won’t be too much out of place, will it? Gonna try it on tmr then. I’ll bring my Nano, cash, ez-link and phone. That’s all I think. So anyway, can’t wait. One whole day with him, okay!!! That’ll be awesome. I can stare at his handsome face for more than nine hours! Is that cool or what! LOL! You know I nearly got angry just now? It was just a minor detail and it wouldn’t kill him to tell me. Why does he keep saying it’s nothing? That’s like so weird, okay. Like I’m your girlfriend and you don’t even want to tell me. Anyway writing all this out makes me feel childish. I know it’s not like that! ’Cause he does tell me things and share things that are way more important. Hmm, I was probably just moody ’cause today sucked. Felt as though nobody had faith in me. Everybody still asking me to move on. Like WTF, it’s not as though I’ve been crying every day and not studying, right? Damn absurd. Okay, pretty messed up. Don’t care. Still going to study, okay!!! I think: make my mark and shove it in their faces. Ugh, okay, I’m yawning a lot now. Night. Thanks for listening to my rants again.

xoxo

16 September 2009 Hey Aly, Had the best day ever yesterday. I went out with Nate and we spent a good ten hours together. That’s like a whole school day! :D It was so awesome, even though I sweated a lot! Hahaha! Hand in hand, we walked from McDonald’s all the way to Bedok Jetty. I never really knew I could walk that far, but I guess it really depends on who you’re walking with and we talked so much so we arrived in no time! The scenery was really nice, walking past the chalets, the hawker centre and finally the jetty. Then we sat on the bench to rest. When we walked back, he held my hand automatically. :) It made me feel like a small girl and I liked that feeling, like I would never ever get lost. I really enjoy spending time with him. Every moment, it’s like we own it, and I’ll always treasure it. I wish you were here; you’d be with Aaron by now, and I could talk to you about Nate and listen to all your stories about Aaron.

x

21 September 2009 Hey Aly, Do you think I can make it? I’m trying my hardest. I really am. But it’s just so hard to focus on everything. IDK if what Mummy said was true or not—that I want everything and nothing at the same time. I really miss you a lot. I was hanging out with Jia Yi. Yes, her!! The one we used to hide from. Sucks huh? Oh well. And Mrs H told me off in class. These are the kinds of things I would have wanted to tell you. You would have the right response!! Some days it is really easier to put all the blame on you. You are the cause of my pain and agony and the downfall of my exam results and my life. Did you consider our feelings? Did you consider the damage you would make and leave behind? IDK where this anger is coming from or what triggers it. Just this morning, I spoke without thinking again. I criticised and insulted Jean. IDK, I really don’t know what I was thinking. But you know me, I won’t back down. Just damn sick of my friends being taken away from me. Seeing all their superficiality, I really feel thankful for having you as my best friend, confidante, soulmate and sister—the one I truly love and knew for sure would be willing to die for me. And you kept me level-headed and gave me a grip on who I was. You made sure I didn’t lose myself. Guess what I’m trying to say is I really love you and I miss you so much! I really yearn to see you again! Just really wondering if I will get to see you again. And when that day comes I will really have endless things to say to you. Tears are threatening to well up now, but I keep them inside. I’ve no idea where I managed to learn this much self-control.

xoxo

29 September 2009 Shopping list I just know I have to get all these: Casual denim shorts (2) More flowy tops!! Casual tops Floral romper Gladiator heels Boat shoes Grey bag!! Checkered jacket?!! Naval piercing Denim vest Bikini

1 October 2009 Hey Aly, I’m wondering how you’re doing now…wherever you are. Today was actually a very bad day. Today we rehearsed for our graduation ceremony. It made me very sad ’cause I know I won’t be able to see you graduate with me. I have been getting nightmares and flashbacks of the cremation day. Each time I think of you I get so frustrated. I really want to know why you chose to go. You were so good and so beautiful. Where are you now? The protective part of me wants to join you. The selfish part of me wants you back. Nobody told me it was gonna be so hard. On Monday I mugged and finished three full geography papers. Am very satisfied and proud of myself. Yesterday I was mugging at full speed the whole day. After school I had maths and science tuition. And completed a literature assignment. Black is when I cannot feel the pain, just block it all out. Red is when I know you’re gone, and I can’t stop crying. I hate it when it’s a mixture of red and black. It’s still so hard to believe. Everything is just different. It just is.

xoxo

5 October 2009 Aly, What should I do about Nate? Should I just let go? I just feel like I’m a burden to him and that he’s better off without me. It’s not just Nate. About my studies too. I do not want to study any more! I’m really tired. I don’t know how I’m gonna get through the next month. I don’t want to feel like this. But each time I try to press on, I can’t. You’ve left a hole in my heart. I’m never gonna get it repaired. I also hate it when I’m missing you and Nate at the same time! I feel so small. I hate it when it feels like I’m third. God, studies, then me. I don’t know. I’m lost. Lost. Where are you?

x LA

6 October 2009 Hello Aly, I wanted to tell you I’ve started a new diary. Really miss the times we had, especially outside school hours. I still don’t get how you could leave me…or Aaron. There are so many answers that I want. Life’s a bitch. Am I just gonna forget you? It really feels like a distant memory and just like yesterday all at the same time; I don’t know what to think any more. I just feel exhausted. And I can’t stop obsessing about what would have been if you had not chosen this path. There are still nights when the pain comes back and I cry so much, and I yearn to join you. It’s just not fair at all that I had no chance to say goodbye! Where are you? Did you pause to think about us before you took off and let gravity pull you down? Did you? Sometimes on my way home I can still see you. Then I have to tell myself that it’s not you, it’s just the memories and my missing you so much…

Love, LA

12 October 2009 Dear Aly, A few days back I saw a video of us at a party. At first I felt happy, ’cause there before my very eyes, was living proof you were very much alive. And then I felt nostalgic ’cause all the times we spent together just flashed past in my head like a broken video. I did not want to go to bed, ’cause I just could not stop watching you. It felt like I was spending time with you again. Later, when I finally crawled into bed, the unbearable pain came back into my chest. Yesterday was good. I studied and managed to persevere through physics! You know how much I h8 that topic. So yup. Today I feel very peaceful. I won’t say I’m forgetting you. But today, I’m just feeling you in my heart. It did take some of the pain away and I did feel better. Was thinking about life too. I guess I’ll have most of my questions answered when I finally join the Lord’s kingdom. I wish that photos were like in Harry Potter. Then perhaps I could still talk to you. Okay. I was peaceful. Now the sadness is building up as I write this. I’m so hormonal, seriously.

xxx LA

15 October 2009 Aly, I’m gonna graduate soon and go on to a new school! I’m feeling mixed emotions. I’m pretty sure I’ll cry. It’s gonna be so sad. In the blink of an eye, four years have passed just like that. Made so many friends. Dated a few losers. Bitched enough. Man, I learned a lot from this school. You’ll be there with me, right? ’Cause I’m definitely gonna need your moral support. Another reason why I feel sad is ’cause I’m here mugging my ass off yet I know that no matter what, I won’t have a chance to see you at the graduation ceremony. I’m able to fall into a routine of normal life, pretty much thanks to the love everyone’s given me. However I don’t ever want to let you go. My life will never ever be complete. I don’t believe it’s been five months already and I’m still feeling the pain. Why, really, why? Gonna live through till tonight before I can release the pain. It’s already building up…

xoxo

21 October 2009 Aly, The past week, I’ve been doing maths non-stop! But right now, I feel really alone. I’ve been thinking non-stop about life and death. “In death, there’s life” or something like that. How is it that your heart can stop beating and you cease to function altogether? Why?? As I stare at your photo I can’t find it in me to smile from my heart even though your beautiful smile is frozen there…forever. I really shouldn’t be doing this…but I can’t focus on anything else. My ‘O’ Levels are coming up and I’m scared outta my wits. I’m still upset. I can’t get over the fact that I did not pick up your call that night…that perhaps if I had… What’s life without you? Nothing…a colourful painting with dirty water spilt over it. I’m really tired. I don’t wanna do anything any more. I just want to rest.

xoxo

24 October 2009 My Aly, Another two days till my science paper. It’s everything I’ve worked hard for since last December. I’ve really come a long way. I’ve faced a lot…mostly since you left me behind. I don’t cry every day any more. But when I miss Nate or something happens that makes me sad, then I feel helpless ’cause I can’t see you in school and I can’t even message you like I used to. And then I have the black hole dream again, of me falling plus lots of crying, lots of crying. I’m pretending to do my work now. I’ve wasted another day again. OMG. I seem to have lost my drive. LOL, got to get it back. This is my chance. Gotta prove it to everyone. And especially my parents, wanna make them proud. Hope I can make it through.

xoxo

1 November 2009 Dearest Aly, Still, as I sit here, I find myself wondering where you are. As a firm believer in God, I ought to believe that you’ve found eternal peace and you’re in God’s kingdom, with everlasting life. But then again I wonder… At the most random of times you come seeping through my brain, filling my mind with the memories of that fateful day. Although I find it scary, I have to admit that for the most part, my life is pretty much back to its normal routine, which is no small feat! Obviously I couldn’t have done it without Nate and the support of quite a few people. You know that day I was talking to Andrea and she said something like “Perhaps it is time that you don’t feel so sad over her any more.” I recoiled in hurt and anger and felt myself closing up. Of all people I would never have expected her to say such insensitive words. But now as I think back, perhaps I’m really moving on. I have to, don’t I? I’ll always have you in my heart. Unwillingly, subconsciously, I guess I’m healing bit by bit. Very hard to admit this. I am very frustrated with myself. Here I am halfway through the geography paper, and I can’t stop thinking about you. All the memories of that day are coming back. I really doubt I will get all As but at least I’ve done my very best. You will bless me, won’t you? 2009 has really been a crazy, fucked up year. July, August, September just flew by, with me breaking down and trying to study half-heartedly. In October I started to study, really drowned myself in academic suicide. And here I am. Still in the same state. Only I’m finally doing something for myself. Don’t you worry, I’ve got Nate, Xin Hui and Andrea. They’re not the same, but enough…

x Lee-Ann

1 December 2009 Hey Aly, It’s been six months, coming to seven since you’ve been gone! I’m bonding a lot more with Xin Hui but she’s really messed up in a bad way. IDK if I should tell on her or not. I’m really in a dilemma. She’s been throwing up quite often and her health’s seriously at stake here. What would you do if you were me? Would you sacrifice the bond and friendship for her health and safety? Would you? I really am at a loss for what to do. I went for counselling and Ophelia said that she’s worried about the things I’m willing to do in the name of friendship. She thinks I should tell on Xin Hui since it is her health at stake. I don’t know, man. It’s so weird. Really I got a bit annoyed. But I suppose that it makes sense. I gotta do what’s right…I guess. Things are really fucked up huh? Even though exams are over, my life is a never-ending drama and that sucks. But at least it is a distraction. I’m missing you a lot more now that there’s no academic stuff to distract me. Especially since it’s the holidays now. We did have our fair share of fun and adrenaline rushes, didn’t we? I really miss that a lot. Am listening to a playlist of almost all our favourite songs. Y’know I’ve been reading this book about a girl’s viewpoint in heaven and how she views people and her loved ones on earth. It’s really interesting. But it makes me feel sad. That’s why I’m taking a particularly long time to read it. I’m just trying to visualise you in heaven. In your heaven I bet there are loads of rollercoasters, dogs, lovely malls for your clothes and iPod Touches. And lots of booze and hard liquor. Now that I’m halfway through the book, I like the idea of heaven. It brings me comfort. And whether or not it’s real, I’m willing to live in self-denial and believe that beautiful lie. December. It’s finally December. Feels both slow and fast at the same time, as contradictory as it may sound. I’ve said a lot today. There is a lot unsaid but I’m not sure how to pen it down.

xoxo



Aly, Did you see me yesterday? I had my prom night. Xin Hui helped me with my makeup. And Nate was amazing. He waited in the room that Daddy had booked for my girlfriends and me for two hours while I got ready. When I stepped out of the bathroom, the look of adoration in his eyes completed me. We even sneaked him into the prom, though he left after an hour, for dinner with his mates. How cool is that?!

x

1 January 2010 Aly, School’s starting for secondary school kids tomorrow. I want to go cycling at ECP. I wanna go to Sentosa to chill. Friday, Friday, Friday, I need Ophelia—she provides the only place, besides my blog, where I can admit that I miss Nate very much when we don’t get to spend time together. I’ve been used to seeing him every day in Dec. A stupid part of me keeps giving myself false hope, that time will heal the wound. But all it does is make everything less overwhelming; the scar and everything else still hurts. Tell me what I should do.

x

3 January 2010 Hi Aly, I went suntanning with Xin Hui today. It’s so liberating having nothing to do now, knowing that secondary school kids have just started school, haha! I felt reallly excited, I’ve never been to Sentosa via the train thingy! :D Xin Hui was laughing at me the entire time, for being soooooooo jumpy. She refused to take a picture for me though, she said I looked retarded. :(( We headed to Palawan Beach, ’cause apparently it’s the “quieter beach” of the two. We walked along the road and stopped at the toilet to change into our bikinis! The beach looked soooo gorgeous! I wish I could show you a picture. :) And we were in luck, it was freaking sunny. I felt so happy, I was gonna get my sun-kissed tan soon. ;) Xin Hui showed me how to suntan properly, hahahaha. We had to apply suntanning lotion, yeah, I know, right?! Did you know such a thing existed?! Yup, apparently it helps absorb the sun more efficiently. Then we laid out our towels and just lay flat and tannnned. I lost my patience after an hour or so because I felt so baked and started to sweat. But in between tanning, we had long heart-to-heart talks. We talked about you too. Missed you so much and we wished you could be there. After that, we washed ourselves in the sea before showering. Haha we felt so happy, I mean that’s what the sunny, happy beach does to you! We sang happy songs like ‘Down’ and ‘Tik Tok’ because we were karaaaaaaoke queens! Yeah and after that I went to see Nate’s rugby match. I texted Andrea and asked her to come along with me ’cause I know she wanted to apply to his school too. It was soooo funny ’cause we didn’t really know how to get there, and we took the bus in the wrong direction! :P Anyway, we finally managed to find his school. It was so huge and we found a safe spot on the 4th floor with a viewing platform to watch the ongoing match in the field. I felt so happy seeing my favourite boy play his favourite sport. :) And I’m so grateful for Andrea! Only she would happily oblige me by agreeing to these last-minute decisions. After which, I met up with Nate and we went home together. It made the most perfect day. PS. My back is as red as a lobster now. Ouchhhh!

15 January 2010 Aly, I’m sure you’ve read some of my blog drafts, in Blogger and LiveJournal and even in my iTouch. And that letter I wrote to you, which I threw away ’cause I couldn’t leave it at the niche. So you’ve heard about my results…I’ve failed you badly. I’m really sorry. I know I’ve got no one to blame but myself. I feel so shitty. Everyone tells me it’s okay, it’s all right. It’s not all right. I just feel like I’ve made a huge mistake again. First it was PSLE, now I’ve screwed up ‘O’ Levels. It was supposed to be my chance to redeem myself and prove everyone else wrong. And I feel so very lost now. I don’t want to go to poly! Everyone else is contemplating where to go for JC. I don’t even have that choice. And that sucks. I feel so left out. It’s not like I’m blaming you. But I just miss you a lot. More than anyone would know. I went to see you last Friday and I cried tons. I thought I was over that stage. But apparently not, even though it’s the year 2010. The bad thing about not crying every day is that the pain gets so intense. It gets trapped in my chest. And there’s nothing I can do. You know, I’m really annoyed with Mum. She’s like, “You wasted PSLE and now ‘O’ Levels. Don’t screw up poly”. It makes me feel more depressed. I don’t want to go to freaking poly?! Besides feeling like I’ve let my parents and you down, I feel cut off from my friends already! It’s like I’m in a different world and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m worried about Nate too. I know I should have faith. But it’s kinda hard, especially when obviously I’m at the losing end ’cause I’m willing to sacrifice so much and I’m not sure it’s the same with him. I’m tired of being strong for my loved ones. Never in my life have I felt more confused; I really don’t know any more.

xoxo

27 January 2010 Aly, My future is so uncertain. Jan is coming to an end. As much as I would love to press a ‘pause’ button and yell “Stop!” to life, it won’t happen… life has to go on…? But it really really sucks. Wherever you are, know that we all miss you a lot.

xoxo

30 January 2010 Hey Aly, Today I’m feeling angry. Why did you leave us?! I think you’re a really selfish bitch. :/ You left a HUGE mess behind. Your family and friends are all distraught. And you fucked up my life so bad. It’s really screwed. It sucks. I screwed up my ‘O’ Levels. I’ve nowhere to go. And it seems like I’ve screwed up my life too. Today I went to a JC and I could not even qualify. I felt so humiliated, like I’m some charity case. I felt like some thick-skinned bitch. ;( And it was just damn embarrassing. After talking to the JC principal it looks like I’ve only two options: 1) go to poly and then on to uni or 2) retake ‘O’ Levels privately and go to JC. I really am at a loss now. :( What do I do now? You know I’m really tempted to die. Seems like a good way to go? :( I think you’re selfish. You broke so many hearts. And I’m so lonely without you. But nonetheless I still love you.

xoxo

6 February 2010 Aly, I’ve had a really open talk with my dad. And I’ve come to a huge decision. I’ve decided to retake the ‘O’ Levels. A lot of people would think I’m wasting my time. Everyone is advising me to go to poly. But this is something I need to do for myself. If not for you, then for Daddy, for myself. This is my damn future. I’ve not cared about my future for some time now. It has either revolved around grieving for you or obsessing about Nate. And this time I’m feeling so proud of myself. Because nobody forced me to do this. And no one can change my mind. Xin Hui told me I wouldn’t be able to last…blah blah blah. Even Nate fought with me. Yeah, so I’m choosing to do this for myself. And I’m sure I can make it because I know what I want. This is something I’m fighting for. It isn’t for nothing. Well, true, maybe a year late. But I’ll be where I wanna be after that. As for Nate, I don’t know. I have my doubts. I guess these are things which I only feel comfortable saying to you ’cause you won’t judge. You won’t judge me at all. And you’ll comfort me and everything. And I’ll feel instantly better. Even Xin Hui thinks we will drift apart. Sue has been unfailingly optimistic but she’s just not the same. ;( It all boils down to asking those mundane questions again…and as I stare at the photo of the both of us I can already feel the pain. It is like someone taking a knife and stabbing my heart or dragging me through a seabed of knives. The only other time when I feel this way is when I’m missing Nate. I guess what they say is right. The ones closest to you can hurt you the most. So true. I feel like I shouldn’t keep anyone close to my heart any more. I am so positive about redoing everything. But I get reminded of the cause, of why I have to do all of this in the first place. And that’s the cold, harsh truth.

xoxo

7 February 2010 My dear Aly, I’m so fed up today. After so long I finally got to see Nate and then I got caught by Mum. Somehow she figured it out and she texted me and asked me to come home. I’m so annoyed! ;( Yet there’s nothing I can do. Guilty as charged. Sometimes I find myself wondering what on earth we are here for. We’re on earth for too short a time. And we spend close to one-quarter of our life studying?????? And the next quarter working. Endless amounts of stress here and there till…we die. What the fuck? It’s no wonder you left…okay, tasteless joke. I was in the library studying and it’s been like forever since I’ve gone up to the top floor. As I chose my books from the shelf it was as if life stopped and everyone else disappeared. I could ‘see’ us when we were studying together in the library. It lasted only a few seconds. Then I snapped back to reality. There were other people…but not us. Not me, not you. Just other people. I wondered if they shared the same bond you and I did…I swallowed the lump in my throat and felt like whispering your name. ;( I still miss you. Even though I am pretending that I’m just another case of ‘better in time’, but I’m not. You know what? Today as I sat in my chair looking at the photo of us I noticed the sparkle in my eyes. They showed happiness. Even though it was taken on my sucky 16th. No Nate, no party. Just you and me. But I was happy. I don’t want to tell Mum how the pain still comes and hits me hard, though not on a daily basis. I don’t want her to get all protective and paranoid. That would make things worse ’cause I don’t want the pressure of having to ‘get over it’ ASAP. Sometimes I feel like snapping. You don’t get over things. How do you? It is rubbish. Bullshit.

x

14 February 2010 Hey Aly, Today I was surprisingly happy. It’s Valentine’s Day! I met Nate and had two cakes. I wonder if things would have been different with you around… :(

xx

19 February 2010 Hello Aly, Aaron talked to me again last night. He seemed really broken and down. Something he said last night impacted me greatly. He said, “I’m not made for this but it happened to me. …When I see other couples out there being happy, I get envious of them. But I’m happy for them too.” Although I cannot comprehend the feeling of losing someone I’m romantically attached to, surely the level of yearning for you is the same? For me I’m missing a best friend and whenever I see people out there, two girls having a fun shopping trip, my heart sinks. I always look away ’cause it’s too much to bear. Then again, I always ask myself, “But are they as close as us?” Only Aaron truly gets it when I say I miss you. The whole meaning behind these three simple words. All the shit I am in now is a result of the mess you left behind. Sometimes I think you’re really selfish to leave us all. But as much as I try, I’ll never be able to be mad at you. The pain overrides it all.

xoxo

22 February 2010 Aly, Am I really making the right choice? I thought I was. But now I’m having second thoughts again. I really feel lost and I don’t know what to think. Just fought with Dad. He thinks I should do poly and retake ‘O’s at the same time. He’s in one of his funny moods. I swear my life is pretty fucked up right now. Retake ‘O’ Levels or not???? This is so so so so so so so crazy. I keep telling myself it is what I want. But at the end of the day…I’m really not sure. I’m not sure. Not sure. Not sure. I hate living a life full of doubts. Maybe I should end it once and for all. End it. End it. End it. Wouldn’t that be brilliant? Meet you and no more worries any more. No more heartache. No nothing. No more. Is this your definition of peace??? It feels surprisingly tempting now. I should just leave. End it. Die and meet you. I don’t want to deal with anything any more. No more no more no more. No more. No more. Everyone needs to quit piling on the pressure, okay. No more no more no fucking more. I do not thrive under pressure. I am so so so tired. So tired of everything. Everything. So so so so so tired. I just want this pressure to stop—to go away? I want to be happy again but I don’t know how.

x

5 March 2010 Dear Aly, It’s been not too long since I last wrote you. Seventeen days in fact. Today I’m writing not to tell you I miss you. But I just want to confide in you. Just like old times… This week Nate’s been texting me only at night. NO more in the morning. And I’m really afraid of this change. What does it mean? I do not even know how to answer that myself. Then yesterday and today his SMSs were really cold. He did not even tell me that he loves me before going to sleep. We’ve been in a weird phase ever since JC started for him. I’ve been reading his earlier msgs that I saved. They’re really sweet and I miss that a lot. Could it be that we’re just past the honeymoon period? Or does it mean something more? I just wish you were here to answer me. To just listen and be here for me. I know you’d be so optimistic and I’d feel better. Okay, I miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss you so much, I dreamt of you last night. Dreamt that you were still here. The only weird thing was that you were openly fighting with Gwen. And then Xin Hui called us into her room and you guys chose an outfit for me to wear to Nate’s friend’s party. It was really stupid. I remember that Nate and I were watching a movie. And when it ended, he told me he’d hug me ’cause he had to leave for his friend’s party. Then I sort of fell silent. Then he said, you can come too, it’s at a house and it’s Friday. Then I said something like, it’d be weird. I said, I can’t go in these clothes. Really lame, right? IDK but it made me happy because I haven’t dreamt of you for so long…sigh. It’s just all so fucked up.

x

11 March 2010 Hi Aly, I am in a dilemma now. Tomorrow’s his birthday and I’ve got this funeral to attend. So I probably won’t be able to go with him for dinner or something. It’s so fucked up, I swear. You know two days ago I cried? I cried a whole lot! And it was the peak of the vicious circle, when every new song gets to me. It’s so fucking lonely without you. Life has no meaning now. I am just so lonely. Last night I met him. But after that I felt so shitty, I was so, so afraid that he was going to dump me. When I was at Novena station I really wanted to call you. Then it hit me that you could not meet me. I just broke down. I lost it completely. I do have a dream. I know what I wanna do. I want to do Arts and Social Sciences. And be a probation officer/counsellor. I wanna make a difference in people’s lives. Just like how Ophelia changed mine. And on the side, I wanna be a freelance writer and photographer. Bad dream huh? But it’s something that I want to do. I think I’ll be happy doing that. Yup. I really don’t know where this life is gonna take me. I really wonder if ending it would do me good. It’s not the same without you, buddy. I want to learn how to be happy on my own. I want to learn how to be independent. My memory seems to have only impressions of the days I had with you and Nate. I’ve loved him for so long now, I don’t know how not to. I want to undo my attachment to him and not let him be a priority in my life, but IDK how. If only you were here. A hug can travel and make a world of difference.

x

14 March 2010 Dearest Aly, Where are you? I would very much like to believe that you are up there in heaven, smiling down on us. But I can’t. I am filled with resentment and doubts. I am just trying to think of what you would say. And I feel truly alone. Nate decided that I was too much for him to handle, that he doesn’t have the time for us, and most importantly he said that he’s lost his feelings for me. He ended things on his birthday. I really don’t know how I should be feeling. Just when I am trying to get my act together to do this ‘O’ Level thing for you, he has to destroy me like that. I am really hurt. It happened too fast; in the blink of an eye, I lost everything. I lost my heart, my laughter, my smile and him. I don’t know what to think and how to feel. In the day, I can still get my act together and be the person I have to be, to get things done. But I guess that is ’cause my mind is just trying to block out all the pain. So I feel numb. Now I officially have nothing. I’ve lived my life for you and him for far too long. Now both of you have been taken away from my life. IDK how to cope. I’ve deleted my Facebook account. I see no more need for a social life. If those people who are supposedly my friends want to speak to me there’s always the phone. I just can’t get over how much impact his parting words have had on me. And the cruelty of it all. It is just so crazy. Of course I have my pride. IDK why he has to do this. It makes me question myself. Is there something wrong with me? I don’t know how to face anything. I am just getting through hour by hour. But in some ways I am glad there is finally a conclusion. Like seriously where the hell are you?! Why did you have to leave?????? I have no one. Cassie just says clichéd shit. Sam and Andrea are too busy for me. Xin Hui is being a bitch because she thinks he isn’t good enough for me. And that is basically it. Where are you? I really really need you now.

xo

16 March 2010 Hey Aly, I don’t want to cry any more. Will you please teach me how to start loving myself? I do not want to live life like this any more. I just want to do something for myself. But I don’t know how to keep the drive going. Today in the afternoon, I was dragging myself to complete my English work. I was so tired. And I saw you during the whole cremation process. It was like yesterday. Everything was crystal clear. I could even see the first time I saw Ophelia. And how I cried and cried in school and just withdrew myself completely. Sometimes just musing about what you did, I wonder how good it is when life actually stops at such a tender age. It frees you of all obligations, no? You never have to worry about anything else. Just when you feel life is perfect and beautiful, freeze that moment…But I just can’t do that. Thinking of all the hurt it’ll bring everyone. I can’t do that. :( I want you to know that you’re super selfish. How could you leave everyone! This sucks.

xoxo

4 April 2010 Hi Aly, Your birthday’s coming up soon, man! I had plans for you. That’s ’cause I remembered last year we didn’t celebrate yours. The party didn’t work out. I feel sad knowing you would have been 17. Would have been. Those are such hard words to write. All the ‘would have’s’ and ‘what if’s’ just kill me inside. I still don’t understand what it was that made you feel compelled to do what you did. Before taking that final leap, didn’t the consequences run through your mind? It was pretty selfish of you. And I feel horrible. Horrible for feeling a bit proud of myself that I got through this; I came out sorta stronger. One year has passed. I wouldn’t say I’m in a better place. But I am just proud of myself for being able to make it through these past 11 or so months. It has been a really horrible and terrible, not to mention tiring, journey. Everyone says the process of healing is long but eventually it ends. How long is this journey gonna take?! I’m sick and tired of doing this. I’m sick of feeling so torn and out of control. I cannot even control my own emotions. Right now it seems like everyone has got no time for me and at times like this, I really wish you were here. I’d give anything, slash years off my life, take it. I don’t want a life without you.

Love

19 April 2010 Hey Aly, I am losing my mind. I swear I am. I am losing my grip. And I do not like what I am doing to myself. I am numb. I just want to bloody exhaust myself so I can die. I feel so sick of everything. I am not happy, not strong, not beautiful and not special. I am nothing. I feel like crying. Went out with RJ the other day. And we went up to the rooftop. It was really special. It was high and I felt really close to you. I wished I could ‘jump’, you know like in the movie Jumper? In my head I was thinking, jump to heaven and see you… I feel useless. I miss you, I miss Nate. Where do I go now?

xoxo

25 April 2010 Hi Aly, I am waiting under the blocks now. And I figured I’d write to you. Because when I’m alone, my thoughts always end up with you. Ophelia was right, as we approach the one-year mark, people’s expectations of me will change. I did not take that remark to heart. Almost everyone (and that is a small number, okay) whom I thought understood told me not to be sad any more. It was almost as though they were irritated or commanding me. So I was really shocked and hurt. I thought they knew. I thought they could understand. I definitely can’t turn to my mum. She thinks I’m okay already. Aly, how can your wrong ever be right?! We had so many things to do together, but you abandoned me. I am really afraid to think of the future. Thinking back, even Nate’s expectations changed. He told me not to let my emotions get in the way of studying. As if it was that easy. Of course I know it was out of goodwill that he did not want me to regret any more. But he of all people should know that these mixed-up emotions are not on purpose. And I certainly cannot control how I feel or when I feel sad. He was there…he watched me slowly walk out of that darkness. I won’t say I can see light now, I’d say my eyes are adjusting to the darkness. But that got me thinking, if he, who was there, can change his tune just because he presumes I’m getting better, then won’t other people who were not with me judge me even more if I break down? Therefore I’ve decided not to turn to anyone any more. Not even Cassie, Andrea or Sam, because everyone is just going to be annoyingly optimistic. The only person who can probably understand is Aaron. And I think he’s feeling far worse because he didn’t even get to spend as much time with you as I did. My heart really goes out to him. I do not want things to be this way. Sometimes when I stare up at the sky, I really wonder what my purpose is, and I feel more frustrated with myself. Why on earth am I working so hard? What am I trying to prove? Sometimes, I’m really tempted to give up and I feel like ending it. For a few seconds I get a strong urge to just follow through, never mind the consequences. Just put a full stop to everything. You are probably the only one who has loved me for who I am, with all my flaws. When people shun me with their clichéd shit, I actually have self-doubt. Am I really overreacting? Should I really be okay by now? But I can’t bring myself to agree. Because IDK why the pain is still here. I am not trying to use you as an excuse, I swear. But I don’t know how to explain it to anyone else who is not going through the same thing. Whenever I am alone I really hate you for leaving. But I love you so much. Why did you choose to hurt us this way? Please come back.

Love, LA

28 April 2010 Hi Aly, Happy 17th birthday. You are 17. Would have been. Who put ‘happy’ in front of birthdays? Since when are they happy occasions? This trip to see you left me feeling more disorientated and messed up. It reminded me of all that I had lost and shouted it in my face. I told you about my results and decision and even Nate. This was the first time I went to see you without Nate. I cried even more when I realised that I wanted Nate to appear beside me. And all this while I thought I was getting better. But apparently not. I’m disappointed in myself.

x

7 May 2010 Hi Aly, “Sometimes we have to be apart from people we love. It doesn’t mean we love them any less. Sometimes it makes us love them even more.”—The Last Song Is this true? That movie made me so upset. Because I saw death in it. It’s been one week since your anniversary. You’ve got to be kidding me. It’s already been one year. How can it be?! One year has passed. And I’ve lived life. In that way, can it be considered moving on? I really feel confused. A few days ago I was so angry with myself for not getting over Nate. For crying over someone like him. I deserve better. I was so resolved and strong. But today I am weak again. I am crying for both of you again. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get over him? Today I realised that he has become a part of me. Just like how you took a part of me away. I can pretend to forget all that has happened when I do things to distract my mind from thinking. But it’s there, the pain stays there and I just feel empty inside. And that’s not something I can switch off. I just feel like ending everything. Then maybe I can stop feeling like this. Aly, why did you leave? I really wanna know why. And I’m so, so, so sorry I didn’t pick up your call. To think of you being alone. No one to talk to, no one to hug, no one to assure you. Feeling so alone. That breaks my heart.

Love

22 June 2010 Aly, I’m back from hols. It was my first plane ride after you left me. And I thought I could feel at peace being so high up in the sky. But nope, I felt worse. It struck me that there didn’t seem to be a place for you in the clouds. Somehow I could not imagine you living there. So then, where are you?

Love

30 June 2010 Hey Soul Sister Hi Aly, I have not visited you in ages. And it’s gonna be one year and two months since you left. :/ It just sucks that you’re really not coming back. Even when I’m surrounded by people I feel completely alone. Why do I feel this way? Why? You know that day Gavin asked me why you jumped? I managed to lie my way out. I mean, I don’t even know if the reason I have is right or not because I cannot talk to you any more, can I? I’ve more or less come to terms with the fact that it’s over between Nate and me. Come to terms with the fact that you’re gone. I guess now I just need time, lots of time to feel slightly better about it? Guess I’m used to it huh? Shit always happens to me. I’ve given up trying to figure out why me. Just accept it as a test of faith, which is something I still quite lack. You’re really special to me. And I’m just so scared. The memories seem to be fading. I don’t seem to be crying as much. Soon, even this year will be over. I think it’s time to see Ophelia. I really feel like shit.

x

16 July 2010 Hi Aly, I’ve not written to you in ages. My life has been so busy, which is good I guess. So I don’t have time to think. Because I always overthink. Anyway that day, I was in my mum’s car and I was thinking to myself, “It’s almost as though you didn’t exist before”, and I realised with a pang of guilt that I had more or less adjusted to life without you. Yes, I still miss you and there’s not a single day that passes when I do not think of you, but I guess I’ve gotten used to you not being around. I’ve established my own routine and none of it includes you. I’m proud of myself for having the strength to do all this. But it does not mean I’m happy. I am not. I am not happy. The void and emptiness is just there. It still is. A void in my heart. And no matter how hard I try, it’s just in me. I’m like, empty on the inside. To be honest, I thought that losing you was the limit and the worst I could ever go through. And this year would be better. But it isn’t getting any better. I don’t know how to be happy. I’m sure you must be very disappointed with me. I still cannot move on from him. Everywhere I go, he’s there. There are little reminders everywhere. Haunting me. I miss those days when I could text you my thoughts and you’d definitely reply. You did not always have answers for me because when it came to matters of love you had not experienced much. But there was something about you that gave me comfort. We’d done so much together. Even though we spent a short time together we got close so fast and you became my best friend. And I am really glad I once knew you. See what I mean: “once knew”? That hurts. Having to write that way, think that way. I really don’t know where I am going with this. Guess I think I’m trying to let you go. Much as I want to join you, I lack the courage. So I have to let you go to set myself free. You know, you made your choice in life, I guess I gotta take charge of my life too. I know I gotta do it. So the past can stop being the obstacle to chasing my dreams. But it’s just so hard. I’m just so afraid I’ll forget you. It’s been like, four months since I got ditched. I can’t believe he gave up on us…on me. I feel so lost and I’d give anything to have him back. I am sick of crying myself to sleep. I am never going to find anyone like either of you and that fact scares me. A lot of solid work and commitment is going to be required for the next few years. And I really cannot afford for the both of you to be the reason I fail. Yet I don’t know how to stop feeling sad. It’s a challenge to survive. These thoughts—they swim about in my head all day long. I talk to myself. I fear I’m going insane. You’ve always told me to love myself more than anything else. And that in itself is the reason I’m living till today. Right now, even when I cry I don’t feel that intense feeling. I just feel empty. It is not like someone’s stabbing my heart. But more as though someone has taken it away. That scares me. I want to know why and feel your pain right before you made up your mind to jump. Because there are so many people who loved you and even then you felt hopeless and in despair. Then I must have done something wrong, right? I need to know where I went wrong.

x

17 July 2010 Hi Aly, I’m sitting outside SOS now, waiting for Mum to pick me up. And I’m all alone. That suits me fine. I’m kinda in a state; IDK how I’m supposed to feel or what my next step should be. Am I really self-destructive? I wanna be a writer. Yeah. I want to write for a living, I think. Yeah. Or like, counselling. What am I doing? I suddenly feel lost like I’ve lost all direction and no, I do not want to pray right now. How am I going to believe? You know when I was walking up the stairs just now I was thinking to myself, what if, what if I choose to be happy and everything goes well for me? I don’t know. I can always be strong only for a bit. And then in a flash, it’s gone. It can only last for a few days. Why can’t I move on? It’s like you took a part of me away and I don’t know how to function any more. What is it? What is it that you saw? You had to leave? How did that feel? Sometimes that seems like the best solution. Everything ends and I won’t feel the pain, the ache, the emptiness. I really miss you. You were like my sister. How could you abandon me? Why?

x

30 August 2010 Aly, It’s August, like one year and four months since I last saw you. I miss you so much. What is death?? Why did you choose that path? I really feel so crappy. This is crazy. CRAZY. And I hate this. It’s a fucking challenge to survive. And I’ve been withdrawing from my friends. And I made up my mind to give up on Nate for good. That’s supposed to help me be free. No? So why am I feeling like this? ;(

xx

15 September 2010 Hi Aly, I don’t know him any more. It’s a waste of my time. I don’t see the guy I’m in love with. I guess it’s all in the past and I’m going to let him go. And recalling all we had together reminds me of the reason I used to have, after you left, for living. As for my family, it is getting so screwed up, it’s like we’re treading on eggshells or something. Every little thing triggers unnecessary fights. It is so crazy. Then there is the issue with Xin Hui. She is not getting any better. She’s still throwing up. I know I can’t give up on her. But sometimes I’m so sick of it. I wish I could understand her pain. I wish I knew how to help her. I don’t know what’s going on with her now. She doesn’t want to study, she doesn’t want to work. I don’t know what she wants. As for my studies, I’m still on the ball. I really miss you. I’ve been having nightmares. Sometimes they don’t even make sense. What do I do to stop them? It’s not that I want to forget you or anything, I just don’t want to be in a constant state of pain. Yeah, especially after I texted him asking if we could meet up to talk about my problems. With his hurtful, insensitive comments, I sure as hell gotta pretend that I’m okay. I mean I’ve made up my mind to move on. But what if I don’t ever get over him? I miss talking to you so much. Writing it all down makes me feel like I’m talking and ranting and you’re listening, or as if you’ll read it somewhere too. That makes me feel better. I wouldn’t know what to do if I couldn’t let my thoughts and emotions be transformed into words that flow out of the pen I’m writing with. On a lighter note, I got a BlackBerry. I’m so excited. Can’t wait to figure out the functions. You should be here. I know you’ll love it too. And you’ll probably understand me when I say BlackBerry > iPhone. Man, if only you were here. We could BB together! It’d be so fun. I don’t even know what I’m holding on for. I don’t have a reason to live any more. And that is sad. I don’t even know where I’m headed in life. For now, I do know that retaking my exams is one of the best decisions I’ll ever make in life. Open more doors. But I am honestly afraid of people who are going to judge me. And to be honest, I don’t know why I’m working so hard now to put myself through another two years of shit. JC is living hell on earth. And so I’m not sure why I’m putting myself through this. I guess everything will work out, maybe?

x

23 September 2010 Hello Aly, I am feeling so absolutely miserable. I have been so focused on getting past the ‘O’ Levels that I haven’t actually stopped and pondered what happens after that. I mean, yes, the reason why I’ve been so hard up and stubborn about retaking it is because I’m bent on going to junior college. But recently, I’m not quite sure. Not 100 per cent sure, as I was before. I’ve seen a lot of people with the brains and talent who have gone to a junior college and are resenting it. Some are even seriously considering switching to poly. They are seriously miserable in junior college and are thinking of quitting. I know everyone has different definitions of success and what they wanna do. But seeing them like that makes me question myself. And that teeny flicker of doubt I had about my insistence on taking the JC route has been bugging me non-stop. You know just the other day Xin Hui texted me and we were talking about you. But talking to her made me feel more depressed. Because I failed to see that something was up with you. No matter what I do, the guilt I have will stay there. I didn’t pick up your call. Why didn’t you persist in calling me? And I didn’t see that you were suicidal. It’s such a fucking waste. I keep thinking you are going to be back. I keep writing letters to you. It’s like writing to you feels as though I’m communicating with you, you know? I feel like you are around listening to me. And I keep waiting. And waiting. For what exactly, I’m not sure. But I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that you’re dead. Even when I talk to others about it, I just can’t quite bring myself to say ‘Aly’ and ‘dead’ in the same sentence. It just doesn’t feel like you are gone, more like you’re away. But still alive, somewhere. I don’t want to talk to anyone about you. Because no one else gets it. It’s like I’m just broken. Like something in me died. And I’m afraid that people are going to judge me if I tell them that I’m not over you, that I still hurt. And I know people might think I’m just using you as an excuse. I’m exaggerating. But I’m not…it’s there. I don’t know how to end this. I just want to curl up and cry now.

12 October 2010 Dearest Aly, It’s been quite a while since the last time I wrote to you. I apologise. I’ve been quite busy with everything. Last night was the first time in many months I’ve cried solely for you. Just for you alone. Usually this year, I’ve been crying for the pain of losing you both. It was quite bad. That night I thought I could go to sleep without crying ’cause it was a good night. I looked at the things he wrote to me and smiled. Then I went on the computer. I saw the prose I’d written for you. I don’t know if it was the songs I was listening to or the guilt. I just cried non-stop. I was wondering if I’d been trying to push you to the back of my mind and focus on the pain of losing Nate instead. And I felt more guilty. It’s like I fell back into that dark pit I had been trying to climb out of.

21 October 2010 Hey Aly, It’s about four more days to the official start of my ‘O’ Levels. I seem so much more comfortable saying this now. And it will be a chance to see if my past year has been a waste of time or not. ‘O’ Levels have taken a toll on my complexion. I badly need a facial ASAP. I miss you. There’s no one you can trust these days. No one. Not Andrea. Not Cassie. Not Sam. Not RJ. Not Xin Hui. Not any more. Not even Aaron. Everyone thinks I’m getting on fine. And that I’m over Nate. Oh, and if I’m crying over you? They’d probably think I’m seeking attention. For pretty long my sole purpose was to get those As for you. I needed to do this for you, for myself, to show them and to do it in place of you. But I haven’t really thought about what happens after that. I haven’t. I’m not quite sure about what I’ll do after that or where I’m gonna be headed. I guess last year I was just like, ‘screw it’ I should study for him. And for you. And ’cause that’s just what everyone expects of me, you know? But I already knew that I wouldn’t be able to do well. But I could look forward to life after ‘O’ Levels ’cause I knew that I could see more of him. There’s nothing much here. Nothing much to do now this time. And the year has passed so fast! Like in a blink of an eye. Soon it’ll be two years. Aren’t you gonna come back? I really hope they’re treating you well up there ’cause I miss you so much more than you’ll ever know.

Love, Lee-Ann

11 November 2010 Dear Aly, Tomorrow will be the last paper of my ‘O’ Levels. I did it. I finished the race on my own. I feel so accomplished. I really do. I haven’t been writing to you. It’s been about, I don’t know, three weeks? But I missed you a lot. You have been the main motivation behind me retaking my ‘O’ Levels. Not everyone who decides to retake their subjects as a private candidate can do well and have the willpower and discipline to press on. But I did. And look how far I’ve come. I think the days after my ‘O’ Levels are over will be kinda weird. For the past nine months these exams have been the main focus of my life. Now that it’s all over I don’t know what I’ll be like. Days will probably feel empty. Not the same kinda empty. But empty as in IDK what to do with my life kinda empty. I’ll be writing my story for you. Work for Mum, go out with friends. I don’t know. It’s gonna be kinda weird really. I guess this letter doesn’t really make sense. But I’ve been skipping around in circles and I just want to say: miss you more than ever. I’ve decided not to do the tattoo any more. Not in the foreseeable future. Xin Hui brought me to see her tattoo artist friend. She has a tattoo but she says her mum hates the tattoo and it’s caused a strain in their relationship. So she advised me to think twice and said it wouldn’t always be worth it. Which made a lot of sense. Yeah, maybe I’ll do one across my arm or another word on my wrist when I’m 21. At least I’ll be able to do it as an adult. But I don’t think I will. Yup, with the given situation, I don’t think it would be worth it. Besides I can remember you in so many other ways, no? I’ll see you soon.

LA

13 November 2010 Yayyyyy! Mummy gave me $250 to shop. It’s like a celebratory shopping trip after ‘O’ Levels. And it was a girls’ day out with Sam. At first we were disappointed ’cause we went to ION, Takashimaya and Cineleisure and there was nothing. Honestly, it was like I had money to GIVE AWAY and there was nothing. Then I slowly walked around and found alllllllll my treasures. Got a stash of stuff and I’m soooooooo happy. Lots of pretty pieces to add to my wardrobe, accessories, shoes, dresses, you name it. :) I’ve been feeling so deprived ’cause I’ve been studying so much!!! Caught the movie Easy A and it was a brilliant one. I love Emma Stone. She’s so gorgeous and her sense of humour is like no other. :) Had Subway for lunch then we went to HarbourFront to chilllll @ the rooftop + take lots of pretty pictures. It was really cool ’cause Sam brought her SLR; it’s in between a digicam and DSLR and we took lots of pretty pictures. I feel so happy whenever I’m around her, like I need to be around people. When I’m alone I feel everything more intensely. Okay, I’ll head to bed now, I miss you.

x

29 November 2010 Hey Aly, Merry Christmas! How’s your second white Christmas up there? I went to see all the Christmas lighting at Orchard Road with Andrea, Max and Andy. We watched Tron and had dinner + Ben & Jerry’s after! It was nice, there was so much joy and I feel so blessed to have my friends around me. All the sparkly lights really made me forget how sad I was. Festive occasions like these make me think of Nate even more, but I guess he has completely forgotten about me ’cause he didn’t even text me. Oh well. You would have loved the great Ferrero Rocher structure they built outside Heeren! Sending my love.

x

30 November 2010 Hi Aly, It’s me. I’m writing in the middle of the night. And today’s your 19th-month anniversary. So I’ve been surviving for 19 months without you. Looking back I have no idea how I preserved my sanity. I have no idea what to say to you actually. Some days it almost feels like we’ve been in a fight and just drifted apart. I’m not quite sure if I’ll ever be over Nate. I don’t think anyone can understand me. How can they? It’s the same with you. Everyone is given a grace period and after that time you’re expected to be okay. You’re supposed to be strong. And any form of emotional outburst will be deemed a pathetic attempt to attract attention. I guess I’ve come to terms with the fact that neither of you are coming back—you and Nate. You guys are just gonna be a thing of the past. And there’s nothing really that I can do to change that. I really want to be strong. But I don’t know how. Seems like I just can’t let go. And I know I’m holding on to the pain ’cause honestly it’s the only thing left. I know but still I can’t let go. I really have no control over this. I admit I am getting on better as the days go by. I feel better. I’ve gotten my act together. Because no one is going to feel sorry for me when I’m say, 25, and still an ‘O’ Level holder because I lost my best friend to suicide, will they? That’s how pragmatic this world is. I’ve created an image for myself. People think I’m a wild child. I party hard. But the truth is some nights I feel trapped inside my own head. Don’t even get me started on the family thing. It’s so screwed up. I just want to die.

x

21 December 2010 Mood: Light-hearted Song: ‘In My Head’ I have decided to start afresh with a new diary. And hopefully this won’t be as sad as the previous one. After I wrote my final entry in the last book I looked at it with some satisfaction—a written, detailed account of how I spent this year alone, how I finished the journey of studying for ‘O’ Levels (hey, it takes discipline, okay!) and how I faced all the adversities life threw at me. Like I was telling Ophelia in counselling today, I felt so depressed just looking at my previous journey. The entire book was MISERY, like, literally. Well, maybe, to give me credit, I only write when I’m feeling low. Mainly because I had no one else to turn to. And I’d leave all the happy stuff for my blog. I mean I had no time to do daily entries. If I did that then I might as well close my Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Blogger down. God! Just listing it makes me sound OCD. Well, I am, or at least I think so. :P I was also telling Ophelia how I felt I was getting better. I know I was. I mean, truth be told, I don’t even cry that much any more. Holding on to the pain was all I had left. So, yeah. And it gives me an excuse to be sad. But now that I’m ‘over it’ people will expect me to be okay. And I’m not ready for that just yet. Nonetheless, I’ve declared on Blogger that I’m over Nate. It was optimistic and happy-sounding. I guess that kinda makes me a hypocrite, doesn’t it? ’Cause I lied. But in my defence it is an irritating yet necessary step. I feel that in my social circle everyone is given a period of time to get over things if adversity strikes (e.g., b.f./g.f. dumping them). And once the time is up, people expect you to be okay. If you are still mopey, their sympathy for you turns into annoyance. That’s something I’ve gathered observing the people around me. And by right my expiry date was extended because of all the other shit I was going through. However it seems to have expired nonetheless. People have started to provide me with clichéd nonsense instead of comforting me. It’s almost like they expect me to be able to listen when they say, “You don’t deserve that”, y’know? Even Aaron and Xin Hui are turning in that direction. As for Aly, I guess most people assume I’m okay and moving on because I rarely talk about it. In fact when it comes to most people, I just avoid the topic altogether. That’s actually the trouble with me. When shit happens, I tell a lot of friends, then when they come for updates, I don’t feel like I can trust them enough.

26 December 2010, 1.44am Boxing Day Dear Diary, Everyone’s entitled to punch someone today. Haha. :P I miss Nate. I read my horoscope for today. Tells me to let go. Is it a sign? I don’t know. Anyway, I went to Max’s for Christmas. And it was awesome. I like to pretend that I’m part of their family for those short few hours. And it was really lovely. A warm feeling that touched my heart. I really can’t help but feel very lucky. And thankful for my friends. The very close ones at least. Today I miss Aly more than ever too; she kept drifting in and out of my mind. I think I want to go see her soon, like Monday maybe. And am thinking again about the tattoo, a really simple one. Okay, I need to start working out soon. It’s been one week without exercising. Okay, maybe tomorrow. Tuesday I’ll go swim. All right, Daddy’s nagging at me to go to sleep.

Signing off, LA

1 January 2011 Let’s list down everything I’ve achieved in 2010: 1. Survived her 1st-year death anniversary 2. Survived first proper break up 3. Helped Xin Hui 4. Finished ‘O’ Levels!!! (best) 5. Did cardio, pilates, worked out on abs, have a better-looking bod. I can bitch to people like Aaron, Sam, Xin Hui, Cassie about Mum and Gwen. I have: Aaron/Xin Hui/Ophelia for Aly You/Ophelia for Nate UGH there is a freaking ZIT in my nose :( So annoying!!! Oh yes, what should I do for my 18th birthday? I’m not sure if I want a big ass party any more! Anyway I am in a much better place. I’m used to life without Nate and I’m doing okay. At least I’m functional. And I’ll pretend for everyone that I’m strong already.

Lee-Ann

About SOS

Established on 1 December 1969, Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) is a non-profit and non-religious suicide prevention agency. Its mission is to be an available lifeline to anyone in crisis. All information shared with SOS is treated as confidential and people can choose to remain anonymous. People who need a listening ear can call the 24-hour SOS hotline at 1800-221-4444. It is available round the clock, all year round. Calls are taken by trained volunteers who are guided by qualified and experienced professional staff. For those who prefer to write, [email protected] offers an alternative platform to receive emotional support. Anyone can email Pat and will receive a reply within 48 hours. Some people might need professional help to guide them through a crisis. SOS counsellors are available to meet them in person for face-to-face counselling. These sessions take place at the SOS centre. Despite our best effort, casualties from suicide remain a stark reality. The grief journey of the loved ones left behind may last several years. These suicide survivors struggle with the trauma and loss, and experience a rollercoaster of emotions that can be overwhelming. Research has shown that they are themselves at higher risk of suicide after they have been exposed to the suicide of someone close. The Local Outreach to Suicide Survivors (LOSS) programme was set up in collaboration with the Singapore Police and the Coroner’s Court to help family members cope with the aftermath of a suicide. Survivors can also join the Healing Bridge, a support group where they can talk about their feelings and share their experience with other survivors. SOS professional staff and experienced facilitators guide these sessions to help survivors work through their grief. SOS is also actively involved in community outreach projects and in training professionals and the community in suicide prevention, intervention, and postvention. Something on your mind? Contact SOS. Call 1800-221-4444 or email [email protected]

About the Author

Lee-Ann is currently in her final year of junior college. She still thinks of Aly and once in a while smiles when she does so. The sadness has been compartmentalised inside a ‘chest box’ in her memory that she can visit when she wants to. The hole in her heart has not fully healed but she feels different now and is looking forward to life and what it has to offer next.