Layman's Guide to Inner Child Work [1 ed.]

Table of contents :
1 - Introduction
2 - Your Timeline
3 - Connecting Your Stories
4 - Communicating with Your Inner Child
5 - Reparenting the Inner Child

Citation preview

TABLE O F CONTENTS

01 02 03 04 05 INTRODUCTION

CONNECTING YOUR STORIES

YOUR TIMELINE

COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR INNER CHILD

REPARENTING THE INNER CHILD

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01 INTRODUCTION A Piece Of Nate's Story Who Is Your Inner Child The Purpose Of This Guide

HI, I'M NATE Life Coach & Founder of Story Connect Coaching

I work with those seeking a better connection to their stories and themselves. While I hold a Positive Psychology and Wellness Coaching Certification, I am not a licensed therapist. I use the term layman to affirm that my work is not backed by textbooks or psychology, but an approach that has helped me heal, and available for any layman to use. I am an advocate for therapy primarily trauma informed therapy. I have spent over 24 years in various types of therapy. Through much healing and inner connectedness, I have found elements of my own healing work (independent from therapy) to be increasingly beneficial for connecting to my inner child.

- Nate Postlethwait

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NATE'S STORY And Intro To The Inner Child Inner child work has been the key to connect me with other parts of my story. I lived most of my life unconscious. As a child I lived in trauma. Everyday, month, year was about survival, fight or flight. Several years ago, I had a moment of clarity around my inner child. I recognized the messages he believed, vs. the messages I wanted him to believe. It became evident that not only was my inner child not willing to believe the good things I saw and remembered about him, but he hardly knew who I was. This tells you who the inner child is: A child. A child that holds our stories from childhood. Everything that happened, good or bad, is what they carry. They are the beings that live in us and remind us of all of our stories. While the child is not a living being, through pictures, and visualization, you can bring much of their experience to consciousness by connecting with them. Their stories are over, but recorded. They know what happened, and often times need your help in making sense of it. As I said earlier, my inner child did not recognize me. I had long abandoned him and his stories, and while I began to understand he carried my stories and deserved some support, it took a while for that part of me to relax. One summer weekend in 2015, I unpacked a box of all of my childhood photos. At the time, I was 37 years old. As I scanned through school photos from kindergarten, first grade, second grade, the heaviness came. I could look at his pictures and see the stories. The photos went all the way up to my 32nd year. That evening I decided to make an effort. I decided to not only introduce myself to that young boy in the pictures, but I began a tradition for us.

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I lined my apartment walls from the earliest photo I could find, and in order, I made a photo collage of my inner child's memories. I made three rows of photos from kindergarten to age 32. I sat staring at the photos for hours. I ached over what I saw. The memories scared me. I came up with an idea to print off all my favorite quotes, poems, musings and line the outside of the photos with these messages. For one month, every night, I would close the curtains to block out all natural light. I would light candles, play classical music, and I would place one hand on my inner child's photo and

read the words to him surrounding these photos and memories. I would look at him and see his pain and my 37 year old self would recognize the story his face told. I would say out loud “I will restore you, Nate. I will do whatever I can to make this right. I will be close to you. I will defend you.” I would hold one hand on my chest, and pour these words on to those photos...for a month. This process not only helped me become more aware of his stories, but it helped me greatly in trauma therapy when I needed to be in those memories with him to reprocess what happened.

I needed this time to grow, understand and experience what it meant to have a connection with my inner child and younger self. Through that month, he became well acquainted with my visits. He knew I was familiar and would be by often. When he was afraid, he no longer needed to send jolts of anxiety. He could nudge and push and I would take over what he was afraid of, because he knew I was there. This was how I taught myself to know and connect with my inner child.

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THE GUIDE Through this guide, we will navigate the stories that your inner child has carried. We will look at ways we can better understand their experience in order to bridge a supportive connection. At all times, safety is key. This guide is meant to encourage a present connection with your inner child in order to let them know you are with them and aware of their experiences. This is not to reprocess trauma. Traumatic events that live in the body are best reprocessed with a trauma informed therapist. It is important to use this guide with safety as the key focus. As you navigate your story and your connection to yourself: - If you feel overwhelmed, please take a break. - If anything about this work does not feel compatible to you, please affirm that. Do not continue to force yourself toward work that does not appear to be helping you connect and heal. - Approach this process with the goals of bringing awareness to your current experiences that are tied to an old story within you (held by your inner child).

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02 YOUR TIMELINE

YOU HAVE A TIMELINE. Your timeline is the exact length of your exact number of years you have been on the earth. That timeline holds many stories. If I were to say “When was the last time you watched a great movie?” you would be able to remember pretty clearly when that was. That memory is newer and easy to access. If you think over your timeline there are experiences that will stand out to you more than others. These experiences mark your timeline. These memories have been stored with your inner child. The inner child is a part of you that holds your childhood stories. When we become acquainted with them they are able to guide us to their experiences. Through inner child work (and story connection) we can often pinpoint our reaction.

A Few Examples ***All examples are hypothetical and strictly meant to be examples for individual processing and connection***

If you were read books before bed, you may have felt safe as a child. If your parents divorced, you may have felt abandoned as a child. If you had a grandparent who doted on you, you may have felt important as a child. If you moved around alot, you maybe felt unsettled and needing more security as a child.

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THINK ABOUT YOUR TIMELINE FROM 0-18. THESE ARE YOUR FIRST MEMORIES AND EXPERIENCES.

Now, fill out the top side of your timeline (leave bottom side blank) Fill out the key memories for you that stand out when you were a child. It is important to share all types of memories in order to connect with the inner child. These could include Your favorite vacation Your favorite childhood friend You favorite school activity

The first time you felt shame The times you felt scared The times you were sad

In each memory write: - Your age - The memory - What you experienced from that memory

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NOW, THINK OF YOUR TIMELINE FROM 18-TODAY. SAME PRACTICE, AGE, YEAR, MEMORY AND EXPERIENCE.

NOW, ADD THE “MARKS” AND STORIES THAT STAND OUT FROM 18-TODAY. KEEP IN MIND, YOU CAN WRITE OUT AS MANY OR AS FEW AS YOU WOULD LIKE. THIS IS A STEP BY STEP PROCESS THAT YOU CAN WRITE OUT AT ANY TIME. IT IS IMPORTANT TO WRITE ANYTHING THAT HAD A SIGNIFICANT IMPACT ON YOU, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT THAT MAKES SENSE. THESE STORIES ARE ALWAYS CONNECTED TO ANOTHER PART OF US.

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03 CONNECTING YOUR STORIES

WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE.

"

- CONFUCIUS

"

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WHAT WE OFTEN DON'T SEE ARE THE OLD MARKS WE HAVE ARE HELD BY THE PART OF US (INNER CHILD) THAT EXPERIENCED THEM. Until we understand them and connect with them and their story, we will continue to experience their emotions on a regular basis. Let me explain: Imagine you are in a relationship now. You have very specific triggers that make you anxious and reactive with your partner. You feel that your reaction is too intense, yet you do not understand why it comes on so strong. When you argue and your partner pulls away, you are not able to cope or calm yourself down. You are terrified of them abandoning you, so much so that you push harder for their connection. If you are 28 years old and having this experience, you will most likely be frustrated that experiencing the abandonment comes on so strong. Let's Dig Deeper: Did your parents divorce? Yes, 1983. I was six years old. Did you feel abandoned? Yes, I did. Did you feel your well being was in someone else's control? Yes, I did.

If any of these stories are untold, they are being held by the younger you who experienced them. That younger you did the best they could to process feeling frightened and abandoned. It was painful for them.

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IMAGINE HOW OLD YOU WERE WHEN YOU HAD A PAINFUL EXPERIENCE. WE WILL USE SIX YEARS OLD: A six year old does not have the vocabulary to say “I feel vulnerable and afraid by this.” A six year old does not have the skills to process their experience and say “This has little to do with me, this is about them.” Because the six year old does not have the skills to process what feels like abandonment they do what they can for survival. They are attempting to escape their feelings. It will be normal for them to blame themselves, go into survival mode, becoming attached to anyone who will care for them. Or all of the above. These are normal responses for a child. So, today when you are heavily impacted by your partner pulling away, your inner child's story is getting hit. Remember, the inner child's experiences are marked on your timeline. Many of them will feel like open wounds. While it is painful to feel your partner pull away, it is tied to a story that has been “activated.” That story is held by your inner child. Any time the inner child feels activated by your current experiences, they will push, yell, scream, react and all of this is an effort to be rescued. It is not because you are a bad person. It is not because you are too needy. It is not because are crazy. It is because you are experiencing the inner child's long awaited desire to be calmed down. This is where your connection to the inner child is vital: If the child experienced these emotions for the first time at six years old, that is when the memory was marked on your timeline.

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IF YOU ARE 28 NOW, YOU HAVE A LOT MORE COPING SKILLS YOU CAN OFFER AN 8 YEAR OLD. While their experiences are painful to you, you are still able to offer them much more coping (even the awareness that this is not their fault) than they can offer themselves. - You know at 28 that while it was hard, you are going to survive the divorce and it is not always going to hurt as much as it does right now. The six year old inner child does not know that. - You know at 28 that it was a lot to process then, but that you would eventually understand the circumstances better and be more grounded. The six year old inner child does not know that.

The six year old knows: - I am afraid, angry, and hurt in this memory. And I will respond every time something activates my story. The intensity you feel at 28: Is 22 years of emotions (subtract when the memory happened from current age.) Think about that. That story has lived inside of you for 22 years. So every time you felt abandoned your six year old kicked, and screamed and yelled begging to be brought to safety. That safety, is you.

Is your partner abandoning your six year old? No. But the six year olds story is heavily marked on your timeline, so you live with that story (mark) inside you. Your partner pulling away, or even having an argument, wakes the six year old and brings out their defenses.

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04 COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR INNER CHILD

INTRODUCING YOURSELF TO THE INNER CHILD:

In order to move to the inner child you must introduce yourself with the intent of helping them feel safe. They may not know you exist, because they have been in survival mode so long. I call my communication with my inner child “Entering the secret safe room.” This is a space where we go, and we are surrounded by the four pillars of safe communication. In each corner you will find: -

Kindness Compassion Patience Curiosity

Your inner child will grow to love knowing there is a secret room that only the two of you can enter. This room is safe, and must always have the four pillars in place before entering, and while communicating. These pillars are the filter we use to see and speak to our inner child. The inner child often feels unsafe and afraid. These four are key for communication. Here are several prompts that could be useful. These are based on comfort level so if you are not ready to fully embrace their inner child, these prompts can work too.

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AS YOU BEGIN WITH THESE PROMPTS, A PHOTO OF YOUR INNER CHILD (YOUNGER SELF) WOULD BE BENEFICIAL AS YOU BEGIN TO SPEAK TO THEM. “I am really sorry about your experience. I am just beginning to learn about these stories you have carried and I am looking forward to getting to know you.” “Your story is a lot for me to process. I know you are harmless, but I am afraid of you. I know you are here, and I will revisit this with you at a time when I have more tools. In the meantime, I will try to make you feel safer by taking deep breaths when I feel your stories being hit.” “I am really sorry I did not see this sooner. I have always admired you for keeping me going. I want to make sure you understand that I am here, and I am going to be helping you understand this, but I will make sure you are safe with me.” “I am not ready to talk to you, but I know you are there. I will come for you, I promise. I can't right now. Thank you for making me aware of your fear.” “I am so proud of you. I now see you did your best to survive a really hard situation. I am still learning to get to know you, but I will make sure you do not have to carry those heavy things anymore.” “You were so brave. You did what made sense to survive a really hard situation. I want to keep you close to me as I continue to understand your stories.”

It is important to keep in mind that when you are speaking to your inner child you never tell them what they should do, or any responsibility being placed on them to change the situation. The situation is over, and they are left with their emotions, feelings and responses. Our job is to rescue them from no longer living inside of that situation and give them the freedom to let us take over.

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THE CHILD CAN NOT COMPREHEND You just should have... I wish you would have... If you had done... Again, the child's experience is over. It is part of history and they can not change it. They are not being activated by their experiences, they are being activated by ours: now, today, the experience that hits their story. It can be common to feel tension, anxiety and even at war with ourselves (adult self and inner child), but often what is going on is: Adult self feels ALL the years of emotions from how long the inner child has needed to be rescued (example of the 22 years of pain). The inner child is feeling threatened by one of our current situations (relationship where partner is pulling away). Neither the adult self or inner child are aware of the other, so the tension increases, as well as the anxiety.

This changes the moment the adult self connects part of their current experience with their inner child.

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WHEN THE ADULT YOU IS ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THE CHILD'S STORIES AND TRIGGERS, IT WILL CALM THIS PART OF THE CHILD. It may take time. The inner child has been in survival mode for so long and carrying this burden. They may need you to introduce yourself to them and remind them they are safe with you. Here are some prompts where that may be beneficial: “I am 30 years old now. I work at a bank and, and I am a mom. I have two kids who are around your age, and loving them makes me think of you. I want you to know things will get much better.” “After your childhood things get rough. You have some tough days ahead, but I was able to make decisions that helped me get on a healing path. Now, I write letters often, and I am working on a letter to you in the hopes you will understand more of why we are disconnected.” “Your future self becomes really compassionate. I know you may think things don't get better, but you have some great memories ahead. I facilitated some of those, and I plan on having more. I know it may take some time, but I am here when you are ready to get to know me.”

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05 REPARENTING THE INNER CHILD

IT IS OUR JOB TO WHOLE-HEARTEDLY AND UNABASHEDLY PURSUE THE INNER CHILD. IT IS NEVER THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO PURSUE US. A few key points to think about when interacting with the inner child: Every single inner child wants to be safe. Every single inner child wants to be wanted. Every single inner child wants to be seen. Every single inner child wants to be known. Every single inner child wants to be heard.

If your pursuit of the inner child is difficult and the above does not feel accurate, it may be they are carrying a greater burden than you are aware and have had no choice but to live in survival mode only. This is where a trauma therapist would be a great asset to safely navigate their burdens, their stories. Once you have established a greater connection to the inner child, you will recognize them showing up more. If your inner child has never been addressed, they will not respond in the beginning to your prompts.

It may take some time, but rest assured every time you attempt to speak to them or get to know them, they know there is change.

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REMEMBER: Your inner child will need understanding their situations.

your

help

navigating

and

Your inner child is often overwhelmed but will exhale when they know you are coming from them. Your inner child deserves to feel loss, anger. It is important to allow them to express these things. Your inner child has a reason for hanging on to whatever they hang on to. Curiosity is a beautiful and pure way to get to know your inner child. The more you can observe the messages in you, the more you can begin connecting your current situation to an old untold story.

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IN WORKING WITH THE INNER CHILD, IT IS IMPERATIVE TO SPEAK ON THEIR LANGUAGE AND CONNECT ON THEIR LEVEL. That may mean offering them a special dessert once a week. That may mean playing specific songs they will recognize. That may mean grieving over what they did not get, and being gentle with yourself as you do so. That may mean simply nudging them as a reminder when they have a bad day. If you imagine our scenario above with the partner pulling away, this would mean the 30 year old catching their breath, pausing and writing to the inner child: “I know this feels familiar to you. I know it seems like you do not have any choices right now because someone is pulling away and it reminds you when you were stuck when you needed your parents to be with you, and instead they divorced. I know how much that hurt you. This situation is for me. I can handle this. Adults often have arguments like this, and I will take care of this and you will be kept safe.” This will calm the inner child down to understand they do NOT have to argue with your adult partner. Not acknowledging the inner child during an adult fight (that is triggering your story), is like taking the inner child and placing them in front of you to fight the battle. That is why your reaction is so strong. This is the battle going on inside of you.

Stopping, pausing and engaging the inner child, is moving them behind you, and telling them they can rest or go play, and you will take care of this.

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THIS IS INNER CHILD WORK This work continues throughout each day and the more you practice this, the more aware you become of what part of your story is activated. Just a few reminders: This guide is meant to safely help and introduce you to a better relationship with yourself. If at any point the work feels unsafe, please always stop. It is important that you proceed with this work at a pace that you are safe and comfortable with. If you can envision your inner child when you are speaking with them, it can help bring greater awareness to how overwhelmed they are, and how willing you are to relieve them of their burdens. Any prompt that you would do for a child (your child, a niece or a nephew), will be beneficial for your inner child including: - Inviting them to join you on a walk Going to a matinee and seeing a kids movie - Write them a letter asking them questions about how they are. Learning to connect with your inner child is a process. If there is something not written here that helps you connect, please do that. Once you begin this process you will know better what your inner child needs more than anyone else. That is empowering. And with that, you are who the inner child wants.

This is valuable work. Learning to grow this connection will connect you to many untold stories and as they are retold, you will narrate them, and each time welcome the inner child to safely be home...with you.

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Connect With Me

NATE POSTLETHWAIT www.storyconnectcoaching.com www.theothersideofsaved.com @nate_postlethwait

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE This E-Book and its content is copyright of Nate Postlethwait 2020 All Rights Reserved Any redistribution or reproduction of part or all of the contents in any form is prohibited. You may not, except with our express written permission, distribute or commerially exploit the content. Nor may you transmit it or store it in any other website or form of electronic retrieval system.

Nate Postlethwait