I Hate This Place: The Pessimist's Guide to Life 044669231X, 9780446692311

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JIMMY FALLON & GLORIA FALLON

w WARNER BOOKS

An AOL Time Warner Company

With special thanks to Randi Siegel

If you purchase this book without a cover you should be aware that this book may have been stolen property and reported as "unsold and destroyed" to the publisher In such case neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this "stripped book." Copyright © 1999, 2003 by Jimmy Fallon and Gloria Fallon All rights reserved.

Originally published by TV Books. Warner Books, Inc., 1271 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

Visit our Web site at www.twbookmark.com.

An AOL Time Warner Company

Printed in the United States of America First Printing: September 2003

10 9876543 ISBN: 0-446-69231 -X LCCN: 2003053835

Cover design by Jackie Meri Meyer Book design by H Roberts Design Illustrations by Howard Roberts

Dedication This book is dedicated to our grandmother, Gloria Feeley,

who after reading the first manuscript said, “This book stinks.”

We love and miss you.

Pessimist’s Prologue

7

Chapter One

If You Were Thinking Of...

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Chapter Two

When People Say ...

Chapter Three Personal Reflections of the Pessimist

19

63

Chapter Four

My Story

87

Chapter Five

Optimistic Advice You Shouldn’t Follow

113

Chapter Six

Daily Affirmations for the Pessimist

125

A Final Note from the Pessimist

135

(7

/

fre you tired of looking for the sunny side of the street? The pot of

gold at the end of the rainbow? The silver lining in every cloud? I am. I’ve never

found any of these things, have you?

Are you sick of reading those meditational self-help books that are sup­ posed to win you friends, give you inner peace, and make you rich? I am—and why? They don’t work, and that’s that. I’m here to tell you the truth, plain and

simple, in my complete guidebook compiled from my own experiences.This book will provide you with daily affirmations tailored to destroy any illusions you might have. It will warn you of situations that will surely lead to embarrassment. It

will explain in simpler English what people are really trying to say when they talk to you, and it will relate some of my personal reflections and bitter experiences.

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So, you can take my advice or leave it. Call me a pessimist, call me a grouch—it doesn't matter to me. Because guess what? We don’t make that

much of a difference to each other anyway.

Sincerely,

2

Going to Happy Hour to meet some new friends: Think again. You’ll be the only person without a friend or a date, and you’re too shy to just go up and

introduce yourself to strangers. You’re just going to sit by yourself, paying for drink after drink,

until you’re a pathetic, quivering mass at the

bottom of your barstool. It’ll turn out to be Sad Hour instead, for you and everyone involved.

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Having a birthday party: For what? To celebrate how many years you’ve been dragging yourself around on this earth? Anyway, only surprise birthday

parties take away the stress and embarrassment of nobody showing up. At least then you can say, “Well, I didn’t want a

stupid party anyway.”

5

Calling up an old friend after a long time: Seriously, rethink this. Any conversation that begins with “Hey, remember me?” is doomed from the get-go.

6

Leaving the house: This is okay, just remember that you will most likely run into people you don’t want to talk to, and also there is

more of a chance that you can get killed.

7

Going to a family reunion: Your immediate family is bad enough. Do you really want to

see the people who are responsible for starting this whole mess?

Buying a car: .■■■■

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