I ate all your cookies: (and other things you wish you could tell your kids) 9781402271489, 1402271484

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I Ate All Your Cookies (and other things you wish you could tell your kids)

Quinn Conroy

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Copyright © 2012 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover and internal design © 2012 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover design by William Riley/Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover images © Rumo/Fotolia.com, © Viktor Kuryan/Dreamstime.com Internal images: iStockphoto © Liudmila Sundikova, Mark Rose, Ana Abejon, Rosemarie Gearhart, Paz Ruiz Luque, Imgorthand, Jan Tyler, Heike Kampe, Jeff Strauss, VMJones, Nicole S. Young, Miodrag Gajic, kate_sept2004, Sohl, Kerrie Kerr, YinYang, Grigory Bibikov, tirc83, Cresta Johnson, BenLin, Andrew Rich, Frances Twitty, BanksPhotos, Carolyn Woodcock, sturti, Oleksii Zabusik, Mats Persson, Alina Solovyova-Vincent, Jon Schulte, Brian McEntire, Kirill Zdorov, Thomas Vogel, selimaksan, Thomas Polen, Jani Bryson, Clint Scholz, Yarinca, Daniel Zgombic; Dreamstime © Sonja_inselmann, Stuart Monk, Andrey Kiselev, Jannelle Althoff, Phartisan, Isaiahlove. Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—­except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—­without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.—­From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book. Published by Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410 (630) 961-3900 Fax: (630) 961-2168 www.sourcebooks.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is on file with the publisher. Printed and bound in the United States of America. VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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Introduction

S

ure, we love kids. They’re cute. (Ahem, most of the time.) They have little chubby faces that

beg to be smooshed. Or cleaned. It really all depends on the day. So yes, obviously we love them—­ we have wiped their butts after all, come on. But that doesn’t mean we don’t sometimes wish they were just a little smarter…or at least pretended to be smarter in public. Okay, maybe once in a while we think about admitting to them that we eat all the good stuff when they’re asleep, just to see the pissed-­off look on their face. Or we dream about telling them that we are the ones who filled their stockings with all that awesome stuff—­so cool it on the whole “Santa rules” thing, because really, Santa sucks. Of course we have these thoughts. And that’s what I Ate All Your Cookies is all about. Laugh along with all the hilarious things you’ve ever wanted to say—­but never will—­to these relentless

child overlords. What could be better therapy than laughing at them, all without their knowledge?

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you e m i t t s The fir ck u t s d a e h get your is r e t s i n a in a b he T . e l b a d n understa e m s e k a m e third tim ng. i t s e t Q I consider

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I am more pro ud of your ability to burp the alphabet th an any ribbon or trop hy you could bring ho me.

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Yo u r t h i n k i ng f ac e i s a l o t l i k e yo u r p o op i ng f ac e .

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rl When you twi , “Are y a s d n a d n u o ar the ” ? g n i h c t a w you o. n y l l a u s u s i answer

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Yo u r b e s t f r ie n d is a t we r p. L e t me b e mo re s p e c ifi c. H e is c le a r ly s ome o ne wh o w il l li ve in h is mo t h e r ’s b a s e me n t we ll in t o m idd le age , watch ing p ro w r e s t li ng , e at ing o n ly H o t Po c k e t s, a n d ra re ly b at h ing . M a r k m y wo rd s .

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I know you're miserable, but its totally worth it. Suck it up.

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o t g n i o g e ’r u o Soon, y le I t t i l w o h n r a le bout a w o n k y l l a re ing k a m ’m I . g n i parent I go s a p u p a r c s i th your l l e t ’t n o D . along xt. e n ’s e h S . r e t s si

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Santa Claus? W hat Santa Claus? I' m the idiot who stay ed up all night putt ing together that bike.

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I’m not saying you were a practice kid, but I am saying that we plan on doing a much better job with the next one.

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e v a h u o y orry s m ' I , s e Y 'm I t u B . u l ch f a m o t s e th u o y t a h t ier r r o s n e v e good n m a d a wasted u o y e r o f e pb pork cho ut. o t a h t d figure

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Oh, yeah, that b aseball player is reall y big and strong. Let me tell you a little story a bout what steroids d o to a person's “down there.”

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Ye s, yo u’re r igh t. Fa rt s a re a l ways f u n ny.

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okies o c e h T . d e i l I e. I’m n o g l l a ’t n e ar em h t t a e o t g n i go p. e e l s a e ’r u o y while o t g n i o g e ’r y e And th be delicious.

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I do n’t wa n t t o h e a r t h at Bi l l y’s mom did t h is, Bi l l y’s mom s a id t h at. I t ’s t ime yo u le a r ne d t h at Bi l l y’s mom is a n a s sh o le .

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You've been rig ht all this time. Your brother is my favorite child.

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ot n s i g o d e No, th a n o g n i v i l actually . s e i n n u b g in farm chas ere h t y h w s i And that d e w o l l a g in is no digg d. r a y k c a b e in th

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Sometimes it's okay to just be ave rage. And you're in luckÑ I'm pretty sur e that "average" is in the cards for you .

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The fact that you still eat glue makes me wonder if you’re really as smart as I tell other people you are.

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at h t s i e p o My main h u o y , p u w gro u o y n e h w le p o e p e m e sa h t e k i l s i d an c e w t a h ot s e k i l s i d I or f m e h t t ou b a p i s s o g . d n e n o s hour

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It is so much easier to love you when you are sleeping.

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I a lmo s t a l ways l ie a b o u t t h e t i me s o yo u h ave t o g o t o b e d e a r l ie r.

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itting h t a h t w o n Ik lah b , d e w o l l a is not n, a m t u B . h a l blah b id that Stevie k hat a W . t i d e v r e s de little shit.

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Ye s, g o ing t o t h e de n t is t s e r io us ly s uc k s. Wa it t il l yo u s e e t h e c ra z y sh a rp t o o ls sh e’s g o ing t o us e , t o o. I wo u ld r u n if I we re y o u.

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to k l a t 't n o d I If you s e id s e b e n o e som ely t e l p m o c t h ig today, I m u're o Y . d in m y m e los a e 'r u o y t u b , l l nice and a list. a n io t a s r e v n o terrible c

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t I would love to le you watch TV for ve ie l e b , d n e n o s r u o h that id a r f a ’m I t u B . e m in, a r b r u o y t o r u o y if g you’ll end up livin ore m y t n e w t r o f e r e h just is t a h t d n A . s r a e y not happening.

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I'm sorry, that finger painting does not even vaguely r esemble me. How many noses do I have?

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I’m finally starting to realize the after effects of dropping you on your head.

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ke a m t ' n s e do Tattling It . e r o m u o me like y h s i w e m s e just mak s a w r e h t your bro ting t e g t o n better at ou. y y b t h g cau

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It’s true—­you l ook exactly like yo ur daddy. I’m so, so sorry about that.

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tick s u o y w a s I When your p u t n a d a e d a d, n u o r g y a l p e nose at th rge u n e d d u s e h t I had ther o e h t l l a l l to te you t a h t s t n e r a p . were adopted

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Th e o n ly re a s o n we w a lk t o yo u r k a rate le s s o n is b e c aus e M rs . Jo h n son b ro ugh t a fla s k la s t t ime . Me a n ing k a rate c la s s is n o w t h e h a pp ie s t o f h a ppy h o u rs .

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I p rom is e ne ve r t o dre s s yo u u p li k e t h is ag a in if yo u p rom is e t o s t o p s uc k ing yo u r t h um b. Yo u c a n’t m a k e t h at p r om is e , c a n yo u? De a l’s o f f !

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You are the I r e l w o b t wors . n e e s r e v e have . y l l a e r , n a I me ' n i k c i r f e r a There bumpers.

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If this famil y were a reality sh ow, we probably wo uld have voted y ou off the island s everal episodes ago .

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Yes, I see you lost your t wo front teeth. You look completely ridiculous.

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to get Sometimes I like re the fo e b   t s u j y r c to you so I can babysitter comes, ook on l d e ifi r r o h e h t e se like to her face. Plus, I my make sure I get money’s worth!

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I know the prin cipal wasn't happy, but those dirty drawing s you did on the bat hroom stall were inc redibly accurate. Nice job!

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you g n i y a s t I'm no . I'm e g e l l o c it in e k a m t ' n wo uld o h s u o y ng just sayi you o s b o j get a y l b a b o r p to do s d i k r e t mar can pay s you. r o f k r o your w

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You’re the reas on I’m on a firstname basis with the liquor store clerk .

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We t h i n k yo u’re ado ra ble , b u t o h, m a n, a re t h e o t h e r k id s g o i n g t o p ic k o n yo u.

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e ’r u o y t l u a f r It’s you Maybe . d l i h c y l n o an so ’t n e r e w u o y if e v a h ’d u o y , g n i demand r or e h t o r b y b a b a . sister by now

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I ac t u a l l y c a n k ic k yo u r a s s at Candy L and. An d ch e c k e rs . An d dom i n o e s .

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he t n o s a e r The r is e w a r d e d i beds ause c e b s i d e lock y d d a D d n a Mommy . s y o t n w o have their

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About sixty pe rcent of your Hallow een candy ends up in my belly any give n year.

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I might believe the innocent act if I hadn't jus t seen you bite your bro ther and try to pin it on th e dog. Actually, no, not even then.

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u that I’d love to tell yo me magical so s a w h t ir b r u yo y, it was l l a e r t u b , e c n ie exper f horror o t r so e m so e ik l h pain and movie, filled wit ts of gore. o l d n a g in m a e r c s Hooray!

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This is what my life has become. A series of soul-­ crushing questions: (1) Why can’t you ever flush the toilet? (2) Do you ever chew the corn before swallowing it?

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I'm s o r r y, s we e t ie , b u t e x p re s s io n s li k e t h is g i ve me a g li m pse in t o yo u r f u t u re a sa s lac k-­jawe d o ffic e dro ne .

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ff o t ' n e r ts a h g i l e h un f a No, t g n i hav e r ' e w ights l e because h T . ght i n t h g i mmy o flashl M e s u eca b f f o e 00 2 $ ar e n o are y d d a D and from y a w a bill c i r t c e ox el b x r u o ff y o g n i l l er. se t s i l s g i cra y k c u l to a

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Nothing is funnier to me than when you swear .

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on p e e l s a l l a f If you it r e d i s n o c I , there take o t n o i s s i m r e p s to o t o h p h g u o n e k o o b e c a F u o y make Famous.

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at h t t u b , u o y e v I do lo n’t e v a h I n a e m ’t do e s n to g n i y r t d e r e id cons he t o t k c a b u o y g i ve nce . o t s a le t a l a t i h o sp

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I blame my farts on you whenever possible.

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Remember whe

n you threw m y keys into the t oilet and the clicker ne ver worked again? Let's ju st say that Mr . Fluffy got a v ery special toilet-­water b ath that day.

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nk I know you thi r e n n i d r o f s e k a panc g, is super excitin st u j y l l a e r ’s t i but y because Momm azy and Daddy are l as shit today.

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Just once, when I have to run to the grocery store, I wish I could kennel you with the dog instead of taking you with me.

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hat w w o n k I don't to d e t c e p x you e you n e h w n happe ird h t t a h t d demande hes. c a e p f o jar

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ways l a t u o b a d e i Il ers p a i d h g u o n e having hen w e s u o h e h t in by. You a b a e r e w u yo ed p p a r w y l l a t o were t ls at e w o t r e p a p in least once.

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Wh at do yo u me a n y ou h ave n’t h ad p o p c o r n in f o re ve r ? I jus t h ad s o me la s t n igh t. Oh, t h at ’s r igh t. I e at a ll t h e g o o d s t u ff w h e n yo u’re a s le e p.

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I t ’s li k e re ading te a le ave s . I’m p re t t y s u re yo u r f o re h e ad w r in k le s s ay, “Sh o u ld h ave us e d a c o n d om .”

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t you I'd be happy to ge 're whatever it is you an't asking for, but I c thing n m a d a d n a t s r e d un e you you're saying sinc ow refuse to learn h to speak clearly.

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I know you' re my kid and all, but sometimes y ou are a truly dera nged little weird o.

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Close that yap. I'm tempted to s tart aiming jelly bea ns your way.

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n I’m counting dow ou to the day when y ar. steal your first c el It’s coming—I fe it in my bones.

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Wait to crap your pants until I’ve handed you off to Uncle Paul next time, okay? He’s been a total dick lately.

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C le a r l y, o ne o f yo u jus t re l ie ve d h e rs e l f a n d t h e o t h e r wa s jus t a v ic t i m i n a l l t his .

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I n e h w t a h t is t e r c e s e h T se u a c e b " d he ol t t u o k a bre I've s n a e m t i I said so," uld o h s y l l a u re o Y . p u n give ving a h f o e g nta take adva and. h r e p p u the

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I lie d—­t h e c a r rad io is n’t ac t u a ll y b ro k e n . B ut if I h ave t o li s te n t o R adio D is ne y f o r o ne mo r e s e c o n d , I w il l b re a k a ll t h e s p e a k e rs w it h a s le dge h amme r.

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I’m on to you. I k now that smiles like this m ean I can expect to find a t urd floating in your bath wate r tonight.

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eople say I know some p ell of their m s e h t e v o l y e th I really baby’s head, but get past o t e l b a n e e b haven’t d-­puke n a ­ p o o p e l o h the w t going on. o g e ’v u yo g in h t

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I'm jealous th at you get to stare at we irdos, open-­ mouthed, but I'm supposed t o politely look a way. I want to gawk at tha t creepy guy with the purp le track suit and nipple cha ins, too!

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I was wonderin g why you said no one at scho ol seemed to understand yo u. Then I saw y ou walking home b ackward, stop ping sporadically t o chase butter flies and sniff your armpits. Now I know...You're t hat kid.

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ome your h g in r b u yo n e Wh creation é h c â m r ie p a p latest teacher r u yo e m l l e t d an lot of says you have “a to wonder e v a h I ,” e is m o pr g. where it is hidin

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Nobody wants to see all that. Go put your clothes back on.

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K e e p s c o w li ng . I t ’s li k e s e e i ng t h e s i x t y-­ ye a r- ­o ld b a ld m a n yo u w i l l s ome d ay b e.

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r thing e h t o n a aking earn I'm not m l u o y l i t sale un e k a b a r fo drink f f i t s , d goo to pour a es do m i t y n a . How m y l r e p o r p go easy o t u o y tell I have to b soda? u l c e h t on

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Getting shots at the doctor is scar y as shit. You are totally right to frea k out.

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Wh e n yo u we re firs t b o r n, I wa s n’t s u re if I c o u ld lo ve yo u a s much a s I lo ve t h e do g . I t o t a ll y do ! Bu t it wa s a t o s s- ­u p t h e r e f o r a li t t le w h ile .

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caroni I threw out that ma eek, and thing you did last w out the w o r th to g in o g m I’ ful pieces next one, too. Six aw ugh for o en e it u q e r a rt a f o the fridge.

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Dora is clearl y on some serious drugs , honey. No one is that happy. Take it from m e.

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h the it w p o t s ’t n o d u o y If g o ing m I’ , s m u r t n a t c li b pu u t o te ll yo u w h e re yo nd re a ll y c ame f rom . A sh o w yo u t h e v ide o.

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The secret is t hat grounding you doesn't m ean anything. If you just shu t your trap for a couple o f days, I'm going to forge t that I said "no TV for a m onth."

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Oh, no. I just realized I’ve spawned the kind of kid that steals other kids’ lunch money. Time to start saving for that first bail.

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s r u o y f o toy a k a e n s I box y t i r a h c into the m ' I e m i t y er nearly ev ou y d n A . e n home alo ow. n k r e v e will n

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I can't wait until your face finally grows into those giant teeth. You sort of do look like a rabbit.

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No, yo u’re n o t ge t t i ng a p e t. I jus t watch ed yo u lic k a t o e n a i l c li pp i ng yo u f o u n d on t h e b at h ro om flo o r .

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Those princess tattoos ak covering your arms fre g me outÑI keep imaginin ry you as the head of a ve frilly biker gang, one to that doesn't know how share and always demands fruit snacks.

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Could you try not to chew your gum like a cow chewing cud? You’re start ing to drool . More importantl y, you’re embarrassing me .

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Ye p, yo u’re s u p e r, a l l r igh t. S u p e r g o o d at p is s i ng t h e b e d e ve r y o t h e r n igh t.

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m o r f r e t t e l Th at u o y g n i l l e t a S an t g n i k a m t r a to s t e h t n i e e f f o my c I , h a e Y ? g mo r n i n . t a h t e t o r w

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For the love of god, can you stop tr ipping over those fee t of yours? Sesa me Street Band-A­ id s are expensive as sh it.

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No, you probably don’t need that many layers. But I wanted to see if I could get your arms to stick straight out like Randy in A Christmas Story.

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nd a y m m o M O f c o u rs e a re h s e w ­ — e r Dadd y sh a ach e e r o f e b a Xan a x e rt c n o c l o o s ch y r e v e d an . n i a p e h t t o du l l

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You know that I skip at least four pages every time I read you a bedtim e story, right?

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I t ’s t i me s l i k e t his w h e n I w ish I c o u ld p re te n d yo u’re n o t m i ne .

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Is there no limit to the amount of snot your body produces?

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Of course I have to tell you just to ignore bullies. But real ly, nothing shuts them up fa ster than a swift punch to th e crotch.

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Yo u t h i n k I do n ’t k n o w yo u’re s c ratch i ng yo u r b u t t r igh t n o w ? Yo u’re n o t f o o li ng a ny o ne…

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that you f f o d e s is p o I’m s hool, c s t a g in r a e were sw I have to e s u a c e b y l n but o th when u o m n m a d y watch m u now. I’m around yo

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When Aunt Lind a brags about your cousin sk ipping a grade , I do feel a little j ealous. Yester day you went outs ide for ten seconds and c ame back with your chin covered in mud, your sho es missing, and a dead bird in y our pocket. Ten se conds!

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You r laugh ge ts de cide dl y more ev il-so un di ng w h en you’ve h ad suga r. I’m ta lk ing so ci op ath - qu a li ty.

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When my boss was visiting and you yelled, “Someone wipe my butt!” down the stairs? Yeah, not your best moment.

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I t ’s t ime s li k e t h is w h e n I re a li ze I am ne ve r, e ve r g o i ng t o ag re e t o h ave a n o t h e r ch i ld .

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aming e r c s r o the flo Lying on ill not w f f o d a n he your dam ve a a h u o y t to le entice me think y l l a e r Do you . r e v o p e sle little u o y f o e e mor I want fiv ere? h d n u o r a assholes

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I love you, bu t no, I don’t think you’re really going to be an astronaut.

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I k n o w, I k n o w , t h at s we ate r i s aw f ul . Bu t Au n t G e rt r ud e e x pe c ts t o s e e i t o n yo u, a n d t h e bi tch h o lds a g r udge .

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Out of the many lies I’ve told you, the usefulness of math is probably the biggest.

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Your light saber isn't actually broken. I took the batteries out when you were asleep because you were annoying the crap out of me. Deal with it.

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Yo u do re a l i ze t h at E lmo h a s a h and up his b u t t, r igh t ?

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s You’re so right. Brussel sprouts are disgusting. d, They’re like giant, roun green boogers. But the a great part about being grownup is that I’m sure t as hell not going to ea them…but you are!

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I'm afraid you're not the sharpest tool in the shed. You once hid a potat o under your pillow and trie d to feed it because you thought it looked like Grand pa.

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t a s te a t a h t w Ye s, I k ne d a e l t h g i ilk m m r e t t u b of i t. m o v e l i t t o p ro je c d yo u e m i a I y Th at ’s w h ’s d r a w o H n c le U d r a w o t ie . t w e n e l h or r ib

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ting t e w d e b r u o y d I use laydate p a f o t u o t e g to if you , o S . s r e e r G e h with t y, act m m o T id k t a h t e se s and t in o p e h if d n A tired. w why. o n k u o .y .. s h g u a l

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Yes, I know exa ctly when you’re lyi ng. But that doesn ’t mean I always care.

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I t wa s n’t t h e To o t h Fa ir y w h o wa s in c re dibly ch e a p. I t wa s me ! H o ne y, y o u’re s e r io us ly o ve re s t im at ing t h e v a lue o f t h at g ro d y-­a s s t o o t h .

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op I would tell you to st t, kicking that guy's sea but he totally just yelled at the flight usly attendant and is obvio a dick. So...kick away!

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Yes, I’m aware that your snooping in my underwear drawer will m ean therapy later on in life . Good luck with that.

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I b e t a n y mo ne y t h at t his t hi ng w i l l b e c o ve re d w i t h yo u r di s g us t i ng , s l i m y s l o bb e r w i t hi n te n s e c o n d s .

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you e v a g y d n i C e l t t Li h? Did u h , e n i t n e l a V a tly c a x e n i a l p x e e sh n you? i w a s e h s t a h w

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At the time, I scolded you. But when you said "pooping is awesome!" in the mall bathroom, I really had to agree.

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m an! r o o p t a h Re le a s e t o u, y o t t i k re a I h a te t o b nta a S f I . c i g ’t m a bu t he ain h e’d k n i h t u o , do y we re re a l iske y h w f o y l le a r sme l l s o c te s? t e r a g i c l ho a n d me n t

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e a baby, When you wer d toys you e p p a r w t s u j we gave d n a d e n w o y d alrea birthday s a u o y o t m e th iss that. m I , n a M . s t n prese

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I admit it: I'm jealous that pan ts are optional for you .

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No, Momm y a n d Dadd y we re n’t ac t u a ll y w re s t li ng w h e n yo u wa lk e d in w it h o u t k n o c k ing .

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you I'm not looking forward to joining Facebook or Twitter. te I'll have to go back and dele all the embarrassing things h about you that I shared wit t the world...like when you go r us kicked out of the store fo playing with yourself in the produce aisle.

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No, you can’t have a German shepherd. No one sh ould have a pet smarter than they are.

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Yo u r re s e m bl a n ce to a h u n g o ve r R us h L im b augh is re a l l y s t a rt i ng t o f re a k me o u t.

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not I have to try really hard ople to get offended when pe e. say you look just like m

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So it turns out that you're right about your teacher. She really is a smelly weirdo! Man, it sucks to be youÑsummer's never going to come!

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a rt i n f u o y w ho Yo u k n o w t ’s jus t e l , l l e W p? yo u r s le e o ne e h t r e t f a s ay t h at no w e r a u o y v ie w, h t n o i l l i m o us . m a f t e n I n te r y l l a i c fi f o

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Your music is a n undiscovered instrument of t orture. When you’re thirty, I’m going to play Kidzbop no nstop in your ears and see ho w well you hold up.

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I’ll s t il l lo ve yo u w he n yo u’re t h e s o c ia ll y aw k wa rd te e n age r wh o c o r re c t s t h e g ram mar on h is c la s sm ate s’ t w e e ts. I’m jus t n o t s u re t h e y w il l.

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hing I’ve There’s somet tell you: o t g in n a e m n bee lly dumb You look rea when you cry.

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When I tell you how proud I am that you pooped in the toilet, what I'm really thinking is: "When in the hell will you learn to wipe yourself already?"

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If I find one m ore booger wiped onto a wall, you're going to be wearing mit tens year-round.

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ally c i s a b e r a u Yo hty g i e e l b i g i l l uninte ime, t e h t f o t n perce mean ’t n s e o d t a h but t peat e r o t u o y t I wan yourself.

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I'm not saying that you're dumber than a bird. I'm just saying that they don 't require help t o poop.

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Now you’re all cleaned off and cute-­like, but damn, you were gross-­looking when you first came out.

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not e r ' u o y hat t y a k o s ' It ey. n o h , t s e t the smar can u o Y . e t u You're c hen w l r i g t r sma marry a n do a c o h w der l o e r ' u o u. y o y r o f g inkin h t r u o y all

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I generally sto p listening to yo u tell me about your day after thirty sec onds of “and then w e drew shapes and then …”

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Th e o n l y t h i ng wo r se t h an t he so und of yo u s i ng i ng is t h e s o u n d o f yo u s i ng i ng i n u n is o n w i t h o t h e r s jus t li k e yo u.

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? n i a g A ? y l l Rea s i d r a h w o H ? r o t a l a c s e an . t u o t i e r u Fig

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My firs t c lue t h at yo ur te ach e r do e s n’t li k e y o u? Th e s t ac k o f m il it a r y s ch o o l b ro ch u re s sh e h a n de d me at p a re n t­ te ach e r n igh t.

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You are the nu mber-­ one reason Mo mmy's hoo-­ha will ne ver be quite the same again.

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even o o z e h t o to I would g ou. But y e v a h ’t n if I did good a e m g n i v gi thanks for n, you r u t e r n I . y cover stor even , e n o c w o sn can have a ty cents n e w t t s o c though it fteen fi d n a e c i for the nside i g n i e b r dollars fo rty. zoo prope

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I think we can agree that now that you're potty-­trained , it's time you get a job.

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Yeah, you better start saving. Because when I’m in diapers, it’s payback time. You’re going to need to hire some extra help.

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ea r a t u o e Your tim ger n u o y e r we u o y n e h w rned u t r e v o was an h t i w t e k s ba laundry p. o t n o k o a bo

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Let’s face it—­I ’m not a perfect paren t. But you’re not a pe rfect kid, so it’s all good.

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member e r y l l a e r ’t n I do f sleep o s r u o h t h ig what e only have I d n A . e ik l felt . you to blame

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Pay b ac k w il l c ome , m y de a r. I h ave a li s t o f t h ing s I’m g o ing t o te ll yo u r firs t b o y f r ie n d . #1: t h e t ime yo u g o t n ake d at A u n t Mo ll y’s we dd ing c e re mo ny a n d p e e d o n h e r dre s s . In ch u rch .

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H uh . Wh o k ne w ? S ug a r crash e s m a k e yo u lo o k e xac t l y li k e a de ra nge d s e a mo n s te r.

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ot n e ’r u o y o Okay, s to c i g r e l l a really st u j ’s t I . s t aprico them d e v o l u o that y le t t i l a s a so much voc a h d e k a e kid, it wr ng. i b m u l p r on ou

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Th e firs t t h i ng I’m g o i ng t o te ac h yo u w h e n yo u le a r n t o dr i ve is h o w t o prop e r l y fli p s ome o ne o f f w h i le s imu l t a ne o us l y h o n k i ng .

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I'm not going t o say you were an accid ent. But I am going to sa y that a lot of alcohol was consumed that night.

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Acknowledgments

A

lot of unvented sarcasm and hostility went into the making of this book. Many thanks

to Philip, Shana, Tina, Patrick, Kelly B., Greg, Kay, Krista Joy, Kelly B.S., Heather, and Sarah for sharing their hidden (and not-so-hidden) dark sides. And, of course, much appreciation to the child overlords who are the inspiration for so many deepseeded feelings. Good luck, kids, when you (gulp) take over the world for real one of these days. Well, really, good luck to us all when that happens.

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