How to Improve Self-Esteem In Any Child 9781605570532, 9781881165132

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How to Improve Self-Esteem in Any Child

Ida Greene, Ph.D.

How to Improve Self-Esteem In Any Child.

Copyright © October 1, 2004, P. S. I. Publishers, 2910 Baily Avenue, San Diego, CA 92105.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, transcribed, stored in a retrieval system, or translated into any language without the express prior agreement and written permission of the publisher.

ISBN 1-881165-13-2 Library of Congress Card Catalog Number: 96-93088

OTHER BOOKS BY IDA GREENE Self-Esteem The Essence of You Are You Ready for Success Soft Power Negotiation Skills™ How to be a Success in Business Money How to Get It, How to Keep It Say Goodbye to Your Smallness— Say Hello to Your Greatness Light the Fire Within You How to Implrove Self-Esteem in the African-American Child Anger Management Skills for Children Anger Management Skills for Men Anger Management Skills for Women Stirring up the African-American Spirit ATTENTION COLLEGES, UNIVERSITIES, CORPORATIONS AND PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZATIONS: Quantity discounts are available on bulk purchases of this book for educational training purposes, fund raising, or gift giving. For information contact: P. S. I. Publishers, 2910 Baily Avenue, San Diego, CA 92105, (619) 262-9951.

Contents Acknowledgements

vi

Foreword

vii

Chapter 1 SELF-ESTEEM—THE ESSENCE OF YOU

1

Chapter 2 THE BEGINNING OF YOU

35

Chapter 3 HOW A CHILD CAN IMPROVE THEIR SELF-ESTEEM

77

Chapter 4 AGONY AND ECSTASY OF THE EVOLVING SELF

111

Chapter 5 ABUSE—ITS EFFECT UPON THE TOTAL PERSON

119

Chapter 6 HEALING THE SHATTERED SELF-IMAGE

123

Chapter 7 CREATE A LEARNING ENVIRONMENT TO IMPROVE SELF-ESTEEM

141

Chapter 8 HOW TO DEVELOP SELF-ESTEEM IN A CHILD

151

Biblography

163

Index

165

v

Acknowledgements I thank God for giving me the foresight to move through my “dark nights of the soul” to complete this book. It was very difficult to move through my past emotional trauma, growing up in the racially discriminated south. I was made to feel unequal and inadequate as a “Negro”. Because of this, feeling worthwhile and adequate has dominated a lot of my time, energy and focus. It is my objective, to ensure that no one endures my emotional pain related to self-esteem. The information in this book has impacted my life, and it has allowed me to achieve healing. There is no longer anyone or anything I need to fight. I pray that the persons reading this book will find the tools they need to help our children soar to great heights, and to perform to their maximum capacity. My philosophy is, “each one reach one and each one teach one”. We are all members of the family of mankind; when one child succeeds, we all succeed. I have used the principles in this book, in my private practice as a licensed Marriage, Family, and Child Therapist, with remarkable success. Ida Greene, Ph.D., D.D., LMFT, RN

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Foreword (For Parents)

To increase self-esteem in any child, a person has to operate from the following premises: • • • • • • •

All babies are born good All babies need protection from harm and danger All children have the right to be loved Children are special All children are beautiful All children deserve to be treated with respect Children are perfect until they take on the character traits of the adults in their lives.

To increase self-esteem parents and children must be aware of the outside influences and pressures children face, such as: • • • • • • • • • •

Peer Pressure Performing well in School Drugs and Alcohol Saying No, to Sex and Drugs Experimentation with sex and drugs. Rejection, ridicule by peers Desire to fit into the group, can’t have a different opinion Peer pressure to conform; can’t be different. Need to be popular Need to have/ wear the latest style in clothes vii

• • •

Need to have free money Need to look beautiful/be thin Desire to behave as one’s peers/engage in risky behavior such as oral sex.

Parents have worries and concerns about their children. If their children have good self-respect and high self-esteem these worries will be reduced. • Child being sexually active • Child contracting sexually Transmitted disease • A girl, getting pregnant • Contracting HIV • Financial needs being met • Financing College. Adolescence is a difficult time for both adolescents and parents. The problems will be reduced where there: • • • • •

Is good communication An extended family Are supportive friends Is prayer or spiritual time for the family Is social or family time. Ida Greene

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Chapter 1 Self-Esteem: The Essence of You Your self-esteem is a blueprint of who you are, how you have been treated, respected, appreciated, and identified by those around you. Your self-esteem is endless; it is the essence of who you are, not what anyone may see you as. It is fragile. It can be affected by many factors and needs continual maintenance. It reflects how you view yourself; how you honor, respect, and value yourself. It paints a mental picture from your inner belief of who you think you can be, or what you believe you can do in your life. Your self-esteem is the vehicle you use to move through life to achieve a goal. It is the package you create to get the things you want, or to reach the goals you have set for yourself. Each person has a separate agenda, determined by what he or she is called to do in this lifetime. If your self-esteem is wholesome, and you feel good about yourself, you can accomplish great things. If your self-esteem is damaged, or less than what it could be, your ability to accomplish or 1

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achieve will be hampered by a negative self-concept. That negative picture, creates a self-image that tells you, you are less than others, not good enough, that you cannot or will not be successful in life. We are each marching to a different drummer. The Infinite Spirit is not repeated in any two persons. Therefore, each person is unique and different. The Spirit is faceless, colorless, sexless, loving, kind, understanding, powerful (omnipotent), everywhere (omnipresent) and all knowing (omniscience). Try to picture the Great Spirit as your “big” mom, dad, brother, sister, relative, friend, helper, playmate, or the many roles, people play in your life. Sometimes I refer to the Spirit as “It” in order not to confuse Its actions or works with those of people. The Great Spirit has magic and can do what people cannot do. It has no limitations. There is nothing It cannot do. It is all powerful, It is in everyone and in everything—including the storm, lightning, and thunder. This is how the Eternal being purifies the earth to make it safe for us to breathe clean air. The Spirit has Its own way and time to do things. You will never figure out the “whys” of life, so don’t drive yourself mad or waste your time trying to do so. The Great Spirit has to answer to no one; It does not tell anyone what It has planned or how It will proceed. The same All-powerful Spirit creates us all. There is one piece of cookie dough and many varieties of cookies. They range from pinkish-white, dark chocolate brown (like African Americans), light brown, yellow, and olive-toned. All are related and belong to the Great 2

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Spirit. Everything created by It has a life cycle. All are born, develop, create, change, and die. Nothing is static. Everything is in motion, a continuous energy transformation. We are born a new each hour. This is why it does us no good to hold on to the experiences of the past. Yesterday, as good as it was, is gone. It will never be repeated. Try as you may, you will never bring yesterday back. This is the way the Eternal Being planned it. You can get angry, curse It, and shake your fist, It doesn’t care. You will never be able to control the Omniscient Being. This is the one gem of wisdom I have learned about life. You can try, through trial and error, to disprove that the Supreme Soul is “All Powerful”, “Everywhere”, and “In Every Thing”, or you can simply accept it for what it is, truth. We are one with life and with It. We are the daughters and the sons of It. Becausethe Supreme Spirit loves us, It has given us an earth mother, father, and family to care for us. Some do a great job, and others do a lousy job. It matters not, because It eventually returns Its children to Itself, through death. What the Spirit does for US is determined by our relationship with It. If you trust the Eternal Being, have an unshakable faith in It, love It with all your soul, mind and body, you will achieve greatness. However, if you rely only on your human ego, which is fallible, you will experience needless pain and suffering. We see the Absolute through our inner eye, the imagination. Each person will see and experience It 3

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differently, according to his or her perceptions and experiences in life. If the image we have of ourselves and the Supreme Soul is negative or distorted, it will affect how well we handle our lives. A negative self-image reminds us continually that we cannot, measure up to the standards of society. It matters not whether this is fact or fiction, if it is believed by an individual, it will hamper the contribution they make in life because he or she will be looking into a distorted mirror that reflects a distorted message back to them; “I am different from others, I am not OK.” Depending on our self-concept/self-image, and self-respect, we will rise to great heights or fall into the depths of despair. Studies have shown that girls have lower selfesteem than boys. Advertising and society’s idea of how girls should look and behave are blamed for girls focusing their attention on appearance and on presenting a quiet demeanor, rather than on their skills and abilities. Anyone can create a new image and increased self-esteem, by changing their thoughts, feelings and actions. We are incomplete; our task as humans is to become whole. WE NEED THE FOLLOWING IF WE WANT TO BE COMPLETE: 1. Security: Self-Acceptance, a sense of belonging to someone or something; 2. Identity: Self-description given you by your family of origin; 3. Support: Mental, physical and emotional; 4

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4. Desire: Dreams, visions or goals; 5. Self-Esteem: Internal belief about yourself and the way you experience life: • Self-Concept = Personal and Spiritual Identity • Self-Image = Inner picture of how you see yourself, reflects outside you. • Self-Respect = Positive self-regard • Self-Worth = Importance to family, society, life (the Eternal Being) • Self-Confidence = Self-assurance, comfort, inner peace 6. Spirituality: Your anchor, purpose for living, to contribute, make a difference. 7. Aesthetic Appreciation: Non-human, sense of awe and majesty We develop a Sense of Security by having our birth and existence validated by someone other than ourselves. Someone, who by their words, actions, and deeds says, “I am glad you were born.” If you get this message from a core family member, it adds to your self-worth, self-acceptance, and helps to create a feeling of belonging, and of importance. A positive Self-Concept enables you to accept yourself, in spite of your shortcomings or perceived deficiencies. If you acknowledge yourself as a work of fine art, a masterpiece constantly evolving, you accept yourself as you are with the capacity to improve, and to become better. Your self-concept is not one, but two-dimensional. Our self-concept is greatly influ5

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enced by our thoughts, feelings and actions. As one of the Infinite Spirit’s creations, we are each in the possession of a Personal Self-concept Identity and a Spiritual Self-concept Identity; a self-image (inner self-picture) is formed based on the concept you have of yourself. Your Identity, used interchangeably with the term Self-concept, is the core aspect of you. Because of it, there are no two people alike. The Great Spirit created everyone different and unique. Therefore, you are special, one of a kind. The Spirit has built within each person a spiritual yardstick to which we should all strive to measure up to. Each lesson is as equally challenging and hard for each person. It is decided before we come to earth the best conditions (e.g. parents, race, sex) to help us grow and blossom spiritually. The human experience is a refining process necessary for our soul to evolve and develop. The Infinite Spirit allows us to decide the particulars of how we want to live our life and what we want to do or accomplish. Some of us decide to come to earth to give joy to our parents for a day, a year, seven years, or seventy years. Whatever we do with our life, it must be a masterpiece for the Spirit to behold. From the Absolute we come, and to the Absolute we return after our brief journey on earth. And since no one knows when the final hour will be to return to the Absolute, it is best that we make each day count. You must do your best daily to be the best person you can be. Sometimes you do not get a second chance to clear up a destructive or an unproductive life. It is easy to 6

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look at another person and wish you were more like them. Yet, you do not know the pain they endure behind the smile. Remember, you chose this lifetime. You said yes to the Eternal Spirit and to your life circumstances. The Spirit never promised any of us that we would live a life free of hardship or challenge. Life is an unpainted canvas. You can create as many scenes as you like. Life is a journey, not a destination. When you stop growing you slowly die, so pause if you must. Take time to enjoy the scenery and the stage production you create. For what you are, is the Infinite Being’s gift to you. What you make of yourself is your gift to It. When you die and leave the planet, will you leave the Supreme Soul a masterpiece, or will you give back the heap of ashes from whence you came? Who you are, is beautiful, and magnificent. You are one of a kind, a rare gem. Your Self-Concept is the basic foundation of who you are. To be fully the person the Supreme Being designed requires that you develop both your Personal and Spiritual Self-Concept. Most of us spend little time developing our Spiritual Self-Concept. It is just as important as your Personal Self-Concept. Both aspects of your nature need to be cultivated and builtup. Our other basic human needs are: support, desire and self-esteem. Support – The Mental, Physical, and Emotional Body—We achieve maturity and grow spiritually by working on our mental, physical, and emotional bodies. We have an inner drive to achieve, excel and be a better person to gain mastery over our lower nature to 7

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become the Supreme Soul within. We have been given a physical body to work through our imperfections, our negative emotions, and our thoughts of self-doubt. Your goal is to seek ways to improve these three aspects of yourself. This provides the self-discipline you need to complete your primary goal of soul perfection. Desire – A dream or a goal. Believe in yourself, and know you are valuable to life. Like yourself enough to have goals. Be willing to take risks, or plan how you will live your life. The ability to dream or envision a goal is the Infinite Spirit’s divine plan to inspire us to reach and stretch beyond our human limitations. Most big goals, and some little goals, require us to partner with the Spirit for their completion and success. Dreams are the longings placed inside us to help maintain our connection to “It.” You may see me interchange the word “It” for the Supreme Being, to denote Its impersonal nature. The Infinite Spirit does not have human attributes, however you may at times see humans display the qualities of the Supreme Being. These are Its attributes: Love (unconditional), Empathy, Peace, Harmony, Joy, Kindness, Compassion, Tranquility, 8

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Gentleness, Consolation, Understanding, Excellence, and Creativity Self-Esteem – Our self-concept has many parts, our self-esteem is composed of many selves. Your selfesteem is determined by your cultural upbringing, your morals and the values of your individual and cultural identities. Your self-esteem tells others how you think and feel about yourself, and your relationships with others. Webster’s dictionary defines it as “A confidence and satisfaction in ones self.” The California State Task Force on Self-Esteem defines it as “appreciating my own worth, and importance, and having the character to be accountable for my self and to act responsibly towards others.” The way you act is a measure of your self-esteem. The five parts of the self-esteem are self-concept, selfimage, self-worth, self-respect, self-confidence. KEY ELEMENTS OF YOUR CULTURAL SELF-ESTEEM Identity/Cultural Self-Concept (morals, values)/ Ethnic Pride sense of belonging
Cultural Self-Image Spiritual
Self-Concept Identity
Self-Esteem A. B. C. D.

Self-Image Self-Worth Self-Respect Self-Confidence. 9

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1. Self-Concept—Cultural/Personal Identity is formed by the mores, or the values of an elder. A. Ethnic Pride—Sense of belonging to someone or something. • Cultural Self-Image – The picture you create of yourself, based on your internalized beliefs, projected outside as behavior. B. Spiritual Self-Concept/Identity Your personal self-concept is the active or doing part of you. Your spiritual self-concept is the being part of you; it is in this place that you will find the Infinite Spirit. The Spirit is experienced and exists through your faith. Faith is your acceptance or belief in a Supreme Power, or when you have a strong knowing that what you desire will be granted if it is wholesome, for the good of all, and does not harm you or another spiritually. 2. Self-Esteem—Morals and values of your individual and cultural identities. A. Self-Image—The image of yourself that you choose to project to the outside world. The self-image evolves continually, according to the situations and experiences you encounter. It is fragile and can be distorted, damaged, or enhanced. Your environment and the people with whom you associate determine how you see yourself. If you associate with priests, you may see yourself as a holy person. If you associate with gang bangers you may see 10

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yourself as a gang member, a Blood, Cript, or as a Skin Head. B. Self-Respect—Like yourself. Have a high opinion of yourself as equal to others. If you have little or no respect for the feelings of others, it is because someone has hurt you. It is the nature of all human beings to be caring and kind. However, if you have been treated in an unloving, unkind manner, you will become bitter, and develop a hard exterior since you are afraid you may get hurt again. One of my mother’s African sayings is “A burnt child fears fire.” When unpleasant things happen to us, it makes us afraid to trust-for we fear the same thing will happen again. You must respect yourself enough to want to behave, and get along with others. If you are/were in trouble, a lot at home, or school, the only image people will have is the bad image you have shown. You can create a new image any time you desire. However, it will require that you change. Most people are too lazy, or fear change so they remain the same. We can become comfortable with a bad selfimage concept, or a good self-image/concept. C. Self-Worth—Everyone is worthy to be alive. You are worthy to be alive or you would not have been created. If you don’t feel worthy, it may be that you are seeing yourself from a 11

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distorted negative view that needs updating. No one is totally bad. To increase your selfworth, identify positive traits or characteristics that set you apart from others. Ask an elderly person, or anyone who has an unbiased opinion, how they view you. We all do things sometimes that make us feel ashamed. However, we can ask the Eternal Being to forgive us and avoid this negative behavior. D. Self-Confidence—Courage, self-assured without fear, willing to take risks. There are five types of persons that tend to destroy your confidence (belief in self). They are bullies, manipulators, braggers, critics, and intimidators. Bullies are insecure people. They build their confidence by reducing the confidence of others. They like to make others feel they are inferior to them. They seek people who are unsure of themselves, it makes them seem big. The solution to the Bully is to: 1. Stop comparing yourself with others. The Manipulator gets pleasure from having more, or being more than other people. They exaggerate and pretend they have more than they have. Only share with them nonpersonal information. These people thrive on making others believe they are better than others. These people manipulate your feelings by having you feel sorry for them, then 12

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take advantage of your kindness. The solution to the manipulator is to: Try to limit your time with these people, especially while you are building your self-confidence. Braggers—Control others through emotional tactics, intended to embarrass or frustrate others. They avoid taking responsibility for anything. It is your fault when things do not work out, not theirs. They disapprove of others to make themselves look good. The solution to the bragger is to: Not waste your time arguing with them; they will never admit to being wrong. They will always be right. The Critic—Everything you do is wrong with this person. They find fault with everything. They dwell on a subject until you are aggravated, angry, or make you believe you can’t do something. If you let it, their negative outlook will block your performance, stifle your growth and destroy your belief in yourself. The solution to the critic is to: Not try to please. They build themselves up by tearing others down. Pay little attention to what they say. They will never approve of you. Intimidators—Feel superior to others. They are on a power trip. Their words and actions are intended to threaten, and force you to 13

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agree with them, or do what they desire. When you are intimidated you feel insecure, threatened, or powerless. You accept the other person’s position of power over you, give up your opinions and accept theirs. And through force, or threat, they assume control. The solution to the intimidator is to: Learn to limit their power, and control over you. Five parts of our self-esteem IDEAL SELF Self-respect

Selfworth

Selfimage Self-identity Self-concept

Our Inner Self*

Self-confidence

*The area of your Self that needs improvement for you to be a better person 14

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Five parts of our self-esteem REAL SELF Fill in the areas of the star where you are today

Self-identity Self-concept

Areas where you need to improve. E.g., I avoid things, I leave things undone, I let my chores slide, I do nothing at home/school.

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YOUR CULTURAL SELF-ESTEEM Your self-esteem tells how you feel about yourself. The purpose of life and growing in relationships is, to refine your behavior, to learn more about yourself, and become a better person. Factors that negatively affect our self-confidence are:

Shame (exclusion) Over protection/concern Hurtful words (hostility/blame) Disapproval Low expectations (little or no trust) Ridicule Fear SELF-CONFIDENCE To Have Self-Confidence You Need a “TAB” 1. Think Confident—With a “Can Do” Attitude a. Think “I can do it.” b. Say, to yourself “I can handle this.” 2. Act Confident a. Hold your head up b. Keep your shoulders back c. Sit tall in your seat d. Stand erect, with good posture 3. Be Confident a. Trust your divine (Spirit) self to show you the way b. Accept excellence as a way of life— Excellence has no fear of observation. 16

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c. Write down the things you believe that you do well.

d. Write down the thing people say you do well.

Your self-esteem tells how you feel about yourself. The purpose of life and growing through relationships is, to refine your behavior, and learn more about yourself, so you become a better person. Your self-esteem is the vehicle you use to do this. It is like a car, it will take you where you direct it. The fuel or gas is your self-worth, self-appreciation and self-image. Your self-esteem is the vehicle you use as you travel through life. Depending upon your attitude, you will soar to great heights, or fall to the depths of despair. It determines your altitude, or how much success you will achieve. You choose your attitude each day, and it is either positive or negative. You can create in your mind a glass half full, or a half empty glass. Someone once said, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I constantly remind myself what the Bible says, that the rain falls on the just and unjust alike. So if you are drinking lemonade today, just remember that you may have your lemon experiences later in life. Know that sometimes you will smile to keep from crying. And you will sometimes smile outwardly while you cry inwardly. Sometimes, the best 17

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that you can do is pray and have faith that the Supreme Soul will be with you as you go through your valleys of life. Life is full of valleys. So you must not despair as you grow through them. Dr. Robert Schuller talks about peak-to-peak experiences. Keep your attention on the peak (exalted and wonderful) experiences of life and you will hardly notice the valleys of your life. Persons with a high self-esteem know they have a right to the following. Place a check mark by the ones you know you deserve. PEOPLE WITH A HIGH SELF-ESTEEM HAVE A RIGHT TO:













1. Respect 2. Dignity 3. Esteem (to be esteemed) 4. Be appreciated 5. Empathy (to feel as another feels) 6. Shared sentiments 7. Be addressed with kind words 8. Be given accurate information 9. Be open; have two-way communication 10. For people to give them their full attention 11. Be cared for 12. Feel a sense of equality

Spirituality. All people need a sense of the divine or spirituality. Our spiritual connection to a Supreme Being gives us a sense of being part of a larger group, the family of mankind. This acknowledges our relationship to all humanity. If you get a sense of your connection to the family of mankind, you can travel 18

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around the world, and feel assured you would receive kindness from others. Spiritually we are all related. Our true parents are, our heavenly Father/Mother not our earthly mother and father. Aesthetic Appreciation allows you to connect with the non-human world of nature, the ocean, waterfall, star, sun, moon, sky, a tree, painting, statue, dramatic play, music, musical instrument, a song, a bird, and an airplane are all works of beauty. Our Higher Power, our Supreme Being, helps us see a larger view of the world, our place in it, and our connection to it. All has value, and is valuable, including you. This is expressed very well in the Vision of Enoch. God Speaks to mankind I speak to you. Be still, know that I am God. I spoke to you when you were born Be still, know that I am God. I spoke to you at your first sight. Be still, know that I am God. I spoke to you at your first word. Be still, know that I am God. I spoke to you at your first thought. Be still, know that I am God. I speak to you through the dew of the morning. Be still, know that I am God. I speak to you through the peace of the evening. Be still, know that I am God. I speak to you through the storm and the clouds Be still, know that I am God. 19

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I speak to you through the grass of the meadows. Be still, know that I am God. I speak to you through the trees of the forest. Be still, know that I am God. I speak to you through the valleys and the hills. Be still, know that I am God. I speak to you through the Holy Mountains. Be still, know that I am God. I speak to you through the rain and the snow. Be still, know that I am God. I speak to you through the waves of the sea. Be still, know that I am God. I speak to you through the splendor of the sun. Be still, know that I am God. I speak to you through the brilliant stars. Be still, know that I am God. I speak to you when you are alone. Be still, know that I am God. —THE ESSENE GOSPEL OF PEACE; BOOK TWO

YOUR SELF-CONCEPT/SELF IDENTITY Is composed of:
A THOUGHT is an unspoken word
A WORD is a spoken thought
Behavior is A THOUGHT AND WORD Self-esteem is not a privilege. It is a right. However, children struggle on a daily basis to maintain their cultural identity, or sense of self. Children are open and loving; they lack the skills to nurture, protect, or maintain their sense of self against subtle, open bias, exclusivity, or rejection. Children must first like them20

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selves, respect, and appreciate themselves before they can like another person. Strengthening My Character Answer the questions below. 1. What are your best qualities?

2. What talents do you have that other children/students don’t have?

3. What talent/skills would you like, but don’t have right now?

4. What qualities do you like the most in adults?

5. What qualities do you like the least in adults?

6. What qualities do you have that you want to change?

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7. Would you like help or advice, to change a behavior or attitude? (Check one) YES _____ NO ____ Ask Someone You Trust Today!

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This Is Me Think of some adjectives that describe you. List one on each line below. Then number the adjectives from 1 to 6, using 1 to identify the quality you feel best about, 2 to indicate the one you feel next best about, and so on, down to 6. Rating

Adjectives that describe me

Now draw a line through the one you would most like to change. List below three things that you could do to change this quality . 1. 2. 3. ©1982 by Consulting Psychologists Press.

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Feelings and Emotions Choose 2 people you know — they could be family members, friends or even teachers. Draw one picture of what they look like when they’re happy and another of when they’re mad. Then circle which picture out of the two you like better.

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My Family Circle Draw yourself if the center circle and the rest of your family in the other circles. Then on the lines below, tell who helps you and how you would like each person in your family to help you.

: : :

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My Real Family In the spaces below, write 5 members of your family. Across from their name, tell what you like to do with that person. Family Member Example: Mom

What I like to do with them Example: Play games, dance

1.

1.

2.

2.

3.

3.

4.

4.

5.

5.

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You Can Count On Me! We all count upon others for certain things. How do you count on these people and what do they count on you for? Complete the blanks below. I count on Mom or Dad for

I count on my friend for

My Mom or Dad counts on me to

My friend counts on me for

I count on my brother or sister for

I count on my teacher for

My teacher counts on me to He or she counts on me to

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My Perfect Family If you could change your family, what would it look like? Draw yourself if the center circle and the rest of your ideal family in the other circles. Then on the lines below, write why you would like this person in your family.

: : : :

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House Rules Answer the questions below. 1. What objects in your house are you not allowed to touch?

2. What happens if you touch something you’re not allowed?

3. What things are you not allowed to do by yourself?

4. What things are you allowed to do by yourself?

5. Why do you think parents make these rules? a.

b.

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My Duties In the spaces below list 4 duties you have at school and at home. Use the numbers below to indicate how dependable you are in doing your duties. 1 = poor 2 = fair 3 = good 4 = excellent School Duties

Rating

1. 2. 3. 4. Home Duties

Rating

1. 2. 3. 4.

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Necessary Rules Answer the questions below. 1. What would your house be like if you didn’t have rules?

2. What would school be like if we didn’t have rules?

3. If you were the teacher, what rules would you make for the class? List the 3 most important rules. a. b. c. 4. Would you make rules against hurting people’s feelings? What would be a good rule?

5. What would be the punishment for breaking the rules?

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The Classroom Answer the questions below. 1. In which ways is the classroom like a family?

2. What type of members of the family is there? Who is the parent?

3. List how a school is like a society.

4. If you were the ruler of the class, would you make it a dictatorship, democracy, or a monarchy?

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My New Rules Answer the questions below. 1. What rules should be set for younger brothers and sisters to follow?

2. What rules should be set for older brothers and sisters to follow?

3. What new rules would you make for your family?

4. What new rules would you set for your school?

5. What new rules would you set for children and adults to follow?

6. If children and adults followed the same rules, what would it be like?

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What I Wanted Everyone has wanted something special. Maybe you wanted a dog or a new game. Sometimes, when we don’t get these things, we feel bad. Answer the questions below about what you felt like when you didn’t get what you wanted.

The special thing I wanted I wanted it because: was:

What did you want it for Whom did you want to do (Birthday, holidays, etc.)? it?

Why didn’t you get it?

Were you mad?

The next time I don’t get what I want, instead of feeling mad, I’m going to:

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Chapter 2 The Beginning of You— The Building Blocks of Self-Concept On Encouragement Within our reach lies every path we ever dream of taking. Within our power lies every step we dream of making. Within our range lies every joy we dream of seeing... Within ourselves lies everything we ever dream of being. —AMANDA BRADLEY

You are beautiful and magnificent. You are one of a kind. A rare gem. Your self-identity is the basic foundation of who you are. There are many things that affect the person we are, and the person we present to the world. Remember, you were chosen to live this lifetime. You said yes to the Supreme Soul and to life. Always remember that you are a child of the Spirit. The Infinite Spirit is the source of all life, including yours. From It you have inherited: intelligence, a perfect body, a strong mind, unlimited power, prosperity, joy, peace, and Its unconditional love. All of this was given to you at birth. All you need to do is to claim 35

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your birthright, and accept the gifts that came with your royal lineage and divine heritage as a child of the Supreme Souls. You did not inherit disease, poverty, nervousness or bad luck. Seek to do your best daily to be the best person you can be. Sometimes you do not get a second chance to clear up a destructive or unproductive life. It is easy to look at another person, and wish you were they. Yet you do not know the painful trials they endure as they smile. The Everlasting never promises any of us we will live a life free of hardship or challenge. Your challenges take the rough edges off you, so that you sparkle like a diamond. Life is a journey, not a destination. It’s an unpainted canvas on which you can create as many scenes as you want. Pause if you must, but do not give up. Take time to enjoy the scenery and the stage production you create. What you are is the Spirit’s gift to you. What you make of yourself is your gift to It. When you are gone you will leave the All-powerful a masterpiece of your life experiences, or will you give back the heap of ashes from which you came? Are you aware of the many parts that make the whole you? You are composed of many thoughts, feelings, beliefs, attitudes, emotions, wishes, longings, limitations, disappointments, setbacks, dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Personal Self-Concept
(a. Expressive b. Creative)
Societal (Public) Social Self-Concept
Spiritual/Universal Self-Concept
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YOUR SELF-CONCEPT HAS THREE SELVES: 1. A Personal Self-Identity/Self-Concept: Your Expressive Creative self, is your ability to support yourself. It is your money-making ability. The Creative Self reflects your personal growth; it can be expressed through your desire for success or to achieve. It is your tendency to create your ideal self. It is an inner essence that is too often undiscovered, waiting to burst forth. Your Personal Self-Concept creates your daily circumstances through your thoughts, beliefs, and visions. 2. Societal/Social Self—Focuses on relationships and your interpersonal relationships. It changes to accommodate your social situation or environment. 3. Spiritual/Self-Concept—This divine part of you makes you reach out to help others. It is an expression of how you see yourself. It represents your undiscovered self and talents; it varies from situation to situation. Cultural values sometimes differ from societal values and cause confusion or conflict for an individual. For example, if a person’s cultural value says it is O.K. to steal as long as you do not get caught, while the larger societal value says stealing is never an acceptable behavior, the discrepancy can cause confusion and uncertainty as to how you should behave. A person’s cultural self-identity provides morals 37

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and values, and acts as a guideline for acceptable behavior. YOUR PERSONAL SELF-CONCEPT Your Personal Identity/Self-Concept is the identity given to you by your family. People inherit a distorted self-concept because the behavior and attitude we see displayed in our family may be acceptable there, however it may be not acceptable in society. An example of this, would be to tell someone a lie or borrow someone’s personal belonging without asking their permission. Your Personal Identity/Self-Concept is the private you that may be at odds with the values and mores of your family. For example, on my father’s side of the family (Albert Green), “The Greens do not believe in divorce, they work things out, or place them in the hands of the Lord. I was reprimanded when I decided to divorce my husband, even though it was for a legitimate biblical reason. DEVELOPMENT OF THE PERSONAL SELF-CONCEPT— Foundation Of Your Self-Esteem Personal Self-Concept/Identity
Cultural Self-Concept (values) Ethnic Pride creates belonging
Self-Image
Self-Esteem YOUR CULTURAL SELF-CONCEPT Cultural Self-Concept/Identity is different from our Personal Self-Concept. The Cultural Self-Concept is formed partly from our culture through the morals and values shared with us by elders and the ethnic pride we 38

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develop from these relationships. It helps us to create a sense of belonging. From this sense of belonging, we form our self-image. Because we see from the inside out, we may not always have an accurate picture of who we are. Also, if any of the parts that come together to formulate our self-image are distorted, our selfimage will become distorted. An example of a distorted self-image is someone who weighs ninety pounds but their mental picture sees a fat person. Changing your self-image will require that you change your selfconcept. Improving your self-esteem requires you to work to improve your self-concept/identity (cultural identity, ethnic pride), and self-image. KEY ELEMENTS OF YOUR CULTURAL SELF-IDENTITY Cultural Identity/Self-Concept
(moral, values)
Ethnic Pride creates sense of belonging
Self-Image
Self-Esteem = 1. Self-Worth 2. Self-Respect 3. Self-Confidence Cultural Self-Concept/Identity—Your cultural selfidentity provides morals and values and acts as a guideline for what are acceptable behaviors of conduct and manners. It is your identity as a member of a culture, or clan. It helps to formulate the self-concept. It is a point of reference about who one is, and where one comes from. Most cultures have a set of values of acceptable or appropriate behaviors a person is expected to display. Examples are: 39

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Cultural values of acceptable behaviors 1. Not speaking while another is speaking 2. Asking before you touch the property of another 3. Saying please, thank you

Write below: • Cultural values of unacceptable behaviors 1. Stealing—taking from others without their permission. 2. Dishonesty—To distort or twist the truth 3. 4. 1. Societal/Social Self-Concept. Focuses on your personal as well as interpersonal relationships. The American culture does not have a Societal Self-Concept. It is the nature of your social self to attach itself to those it identifies as societal family. Society has no moral or ethical guidelines for non-Christian, non-secular persons to follow. And no vehicle to teach or provide moral training if anyone is interested in getting it. 2. Public Self-Concept. You display your public self-concept through your people skills. It is your ability to interact effectively with others. The part of you that carries out what is socially acceptable. Your school and work cultures reflect this self. If you are not accepted as a part of the culture where you are, you will experience confusion, feel detached, disorgan40

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ized, and have a sense of uneasiness until you know why you are being rejected. Once you know the reason(s) for your non-acceptance, you can decide if you can handle the social isolation, or do something about it. You have several options. You can become a rebel, a recluse, start your own elite group, or pretend your isolation doesn’t matter. Meanwhile, your self-image, self-esteem, and self-confidence decay as a result of the multiple messages you are sending out: “I’m OK/I’m not OK/Am I really OK?” Due to the separation of church and state, American society has become more government, and little or no church. The church is the institution that provides moral training, however our society does not show the same respect to churches as in the past. The Bible for many Americans has become sports, entertainment activities, television, and Hollywood. Many people do not know that the spiritual laws of the Ten Commandments say: “Thou shall not kill,” and “Thou shall not steal.” Society does not teach this, so people continue to steal and kill. Too many people do not know right from wrong. Often when they discover this they are older than age seven, when most behavior patterns are firmly established. We always behave according to our self-concept, whether it is moral or amoral. Societal values are general, and non-bind41

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ing. Cultural Assimilation means we can choose to be a part of a society, or we can isolate ourselves and be uninvolved with the people around us. Cultural Integration-means blending into societal fabric. All cultures have behavioral do’s and don’ts to guide its citizens. The American culture is Judea Christian and follows the Ten Commandments in the Bible as a guide for how we should behave towards each other. Our cultural guidelines for living and getting along with each other use the principles in the Ten Commandments. You will probably find some of your cultural dos and don’ts in the Ten Commandments even though you may not be Judeo-Christian. 3. Spiritual Self-Concept. Your Spiritual Identity is the core aspect of you. I refer to it as the self-concept. There are no two people alike. The Supreme Being created everyone different and unique. You are special. There is no one else in the world just like you. We decide the particulars of how we want to live our life and what we want to do or to accomplish. There is a part of us that connects to a Supreme Deity. We show our divinity when we are kind, considerate, tolerant, compassionate, and understanding. These are traits of the Infinite Spirit. The Spirit has implanted Itself within our hearts, so that It can minister to us, and through us to our earth brothers and sisters. However we must open our minds and hearts, so that 42

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we are able to receive the divine inspiration, and guidance It wishes us to receive. We can all be earth angels by loving our fellow humans and behaving in a divine and angelic manner. We do this through unconditional love for each other and forgiving the offenses of others. In the Old Testament, the orthodox Hebrews had over 600 laws to follow daily to live a Godly life. In the New Testament, the laws were reduced to just two, “loving God and loving your neighbor as yourself”. When you love the All-powerful Being and see yourself as a child of the Being it is easy to love yourself without arrogance. When you can love yourself without arrogance or self-hatred, it is easy to extend the feeling to your neighbor. For the answer to every problem you will encounter is Love. Love the problems you now encounter for they bring you new wisdom, growth, and maturity. Love the solution or answer you receive, for it holds blessing beyond your wildest imagination. If you see a problem or situation from a negative perspective, it will be negative. If you change your view, when you encounter a problem, you will feel different about yourself and your relationship to the situation you now see as a problem. It is important to understand your relationship to the Supreme Being. You are a child of It, therefore whatever you need It will supply. You were given an earth (human) mother and father, to care for you, and look after your needs. Sometimes they turn out to not be the best. If that has happened to you, take the matter to the 43

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Spirit and It will find you a substitute. This substitute mother or father may be a neighbor, or family member who acts like a mom/dad, or any other person It chooses. The secret is that you must not get mad at the Allpowerful, and brood because your parents are not the way you would like them to be. Speak to It in private, through your prayers, and ask for what you want. It is not like us, so the answer to your prayers may be delayed, while the Spirit searches for the perfect solution. This is where your faith and belief that your prayer has been heard becomes critical. The Infinite Spirit hears your prayers, and answers in Its own time, not yours. Because your time may not produce the best outcome. Always remember that the Eternal Being can see further up the road through its spiritual eyes, than you can see with your limited human eyes. The Bible says God is a spirit, “they that worship him, must worship Him (It) in spirit and in truth.” (God is sexless, and colorless). You worship the Absolute being in truth when you know the truth about yourself. That you were created in the image and likeness of the Eternal Being. Therefore you are perfect as you are. You may have a few rough edges that need to be smoothed out. However that does not mean you are worthless, or no good. A diamond is perfect, but its brilliance is greater after you smooth off its rough edges. Likewise, you are a work of art in progress. You are perfect as a human being, however you need to be refined for your brilliance to show. All human beings agree to come to earth to have a human experience to become flawless as their mother, father 44

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and the Infinite Being. It is sad that we do not remember we agreed and wanted to come to earth. It was our choice to have a human experience. We asked if we could be born of human parents, to learn certain lessons or develop a particularly weak character trait. The Spirit is not like your earth mom or dad, who are finite and die. The Spirit is birthless and deathless. I must admit in my quiet discussions with the Eternal Being, I have said I did not know what I was getting into when I asked to be born. I did not know the lessons I needed to learn would be so painful. There have been times when I said I was ready to make my transition and come back for another trial. And in the next breath say I didn’t mean that. What I really meant is “Please would you lighten my load a little bit. I need to rest for a short time, then I will be ready for whatever challenges you send my way. I have decided to master all the lessons I need to learn and work through whatever shortcomings I have.” I used to feel as if I were being singled out for trials and tribulation, but then I reread the Bible and it said, “the sun shines on the just and unjust alike.” Life is what we make it. When things are progressing, as we like, the world is a great place to be, and when we are going through our growth phase, we wish we were not alive. We create our world by the thoughts we think. If you keep your mind on highly spiritual, uplifting thoughts, the valley will not seem as dark the next time you pass through it. Because we create our world daily, our self-concept and self-image changes daily. 45

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In the space below draw a picture of how you see yourself. Next to that picture draw how you would like to look or be, (This is your ideal self).

YOUR SELF-PERCEPTION List below four traits or qualities you would most like to have. Then state what you can do to gain these traits. 1. 2. 3. 4. Finish this sentence: I am special because.... A. B. C. 46

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You are precious in My sight, and I love you. —ISAIAH 43:4 ON ACHIEVEMENT If you can imagine it, you can achieve it If you can dream it, you can become it. —KRISTONE Ethnic Pride is an important element of your cultural group. It gives you a sense of belonging. It gives distinction, or can be a source of embarrassment and disgrace. Some examples of Ethnic or Cultural Pride are: 1. Respect for elders (their wisdom and advice sought) 2. To not argue (talk back to adults) 3. Stealing—taking from others without their permission. 4. Dishonesty—telling an untruth (lie) Can you think of other cultural values of unacceptable behavior? If so, list them below: 1. 2. 3. In the space below, write the values your family or culture of origin feel are acceptable:

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Finish this sentence I Am Special Because… A. B. C. WHERE DID I COME FROM? Our culture provides an identity for us of how those who look like us began. It gives us a map to follow, and shows us how to begin. When the child is young, it seeks a point of reference as the beginning of self: Where did I come from? To whom do I belong? How did I get to earth? Are there other people who look like me? Our cultural ethnic identity answers this question. In the space below, fill in the blanks with the appropriate information about your family tree. Fill in the following blanks with the appropriate information about your family tree. My name. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sex M/F . . . . . . . . . . . My birth date . . . . . . . . . . . . . Birth weight . . . . . . . . My birth place . . . . . . . . . . . Time of birth. . . . . . . . Number of brothers . . . . Names . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ........................................... ........................................... Number of sisters . . . . . Names . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ........................................... ........................................... My favorite food/s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . My favorite color/s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48

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My favorite animal/pet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . My Father’s name . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . His birth date . . . . . . . . . . . . Birth weight . . . . . . . . His birth place . . . . . . . . . . . Time of birth. . . . . . . . Things I remember my father saying to me . . . . . . . . ........................ ................. ........................................... Mother’s name (married) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (maiden) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Her birth date. . . . . . . . . . . . Birth weight . . . . . . . . Her birth place. . . . . . . . . . . Time of birth. . . . . . . . Things I remember her saying to me. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ........................ ................. ........................................... Father’s Mother’s (My Grandmother’s) name . . . . . ........................................... Her birth date. . . . . . . . . . . . Birth weight . . . . . . . . Her birth place. . . . . . . . . . . Time of birth. . . . . . . . Things I remember her saying to me. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ........................................... ........................................... Father’s Father’s (My Grandfather’s) name. . . . . . . ........................................... His birth date . . . . . . . . Birth weight His birth place . . . . . . . . Time of birth . . . . . . . . . . . 49

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Things I remember him saying to me . . . . . . . . . . . . . ........................ ................. ........................................... Mother’s Mother’s (My Grandmother’s) name . . . . ........................................... Her birth date. . . . . . . . . . . . Birth weight . . . . . . . . Her birth place. . . . . . . . . . . Time of birth. . . . . . . . Things I remember her saying to me. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ........................ ................. ........................................... Mother’s Father’s (My Grandfather’s) name . . . . . . ........................................... His birth date . . . . . . . . . . . . Birth weight . . . . . . . . His birth place . . . . . . . . . . . Time of birth. . . . . . . . Things I remember him saying to me . . . . . . . . . . . . . ........................ ................. ........................................... Write any thoughts or feelings you have about your core family members. Which person has contributed positively to your self-esteem and self-confidence? What did they do? FACTORS THAT SHAPE OUR SELF-IDENTITY/ SELF-ESTEEM There are many things that affect the person we are, and the person we present to the world. Are you aware that there are many different parts that make the whole 50

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you? You are composed of many thoughts, feelings, beliefs, attitudes, emotions, wishes, disappointments, dreams, and hopes. Finish This Sentence: (Our culture gives us information about our ancestors, family members who lived before us.) I am royalty because… A. B. Finish This Sentence: I am good at doing the following: A. B.

MORE WITHIN An acorn is more than just an acorn, Within it is a giant oak A caterpillar is more than just a caterpillar; Within it is a brilliant butterfly. An egg is more than just an egg; Within it is a beautiful bird. A thought is more than just a thought; Within it is a generous deed. A dream is more than just a dream; Within it is a joyous reality. 51

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An infant is more than just an infant; Within it is a triumphant adult. Unfinished things are more than human eyes can see, And “mortals are more than we appear to be!” —WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD (deceased 1995) Self-Image. We don’t always have an accurate picture of who we are. If any part that creates your self-image is distorted, your entire self-image will be distorted. To change a distorted self-image, you will need to change your self-concept. Improving your self-esteem requires you to improve your self-concept/identity, cultural identity, ethnic pride, and self-image. These are key elements of your self-esteem that are essential for emotional maturity. List below three behaviors you dislike about yourself. Put a check mark next to the one you are most likely to change. •. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
•. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
•. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
What steps can you take to make these changes? List them. 1. 2. 3. 52

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SELF-CONFIDENCE AFFIRMATIONS An affirmation is a positive statement you desire to have about yourself. It says how you want to be. I am at ease with myself. I honor myself rightly so I am not overly confident, nor honor myself too little. I am an expression of the Divine, therefore I am O.K. I am a part of the Divine principle of the universe. I am whole, perfect, and complete just as I am. I accept that to be perfect means I can become better, improve, and make corrections in my personality, relationships and lifestyle. I accept that all perfect things can become better, including me. I accept myself at my emotional, mental, spiritual level of learning. I accept that as I grow and evolve, I evolve into a better person with a new concept of others and myself. It is OK for me to give and receive praise. I let it be OK for me to give support and be supported. —AUTHOR UNKNOWN (Modified and adapted by Ida Greene)

FACTORS THAT LOWER OUR SELF-ESTEEM • Self-limiting beliefs and negative thoughts • Ridicule, embarrassment, shame, confusion, or hurtful words that make one feel badly. 53

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Lack of support from family members Acting out to gain attention Disrespect shown to yourself and others

What are some of the self-limiting beliefs, thoughts, orbehaviors that you see in yourself? List them. •. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
•. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
•. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
A. Where did you hear these statements? B. Write the name of someone who said something to you that made you feel bad about yourself.

Have you ever said any of the following statements to yourself? a. b. c. d. e. f.

I can’t sing, dance, swim… This is too much to hard for me to do I don’t like this/I hate doing this I don’t like her-him/I hate him-her I can’t finish this This is boring, no fun, or stupid

C. Say the above statements aloud. Do you feel energized or tired? 54

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How much feeling do you have to Be, or Act Out the above?

D. Listed below are some examples of positive beliefs/thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors: a. b. c. d. e. f.

This is easy I can do this This is fun I am good at this I am smart Learning to do something new is exciting

E. Say the above statements aloud. How do they make you feel? Write your positive beliefs and/or thoughts below:

F. Now it is your turn, write your positive, selfenhancing statements, and say them aloud to yourself. a. I am intelligent b. I figured “it out,” I am smarter than I thought 55

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c. d. e. G. Which category of beliefs above has negatively affected your self-esteem? Write your answer below:

H. Has this influenced your home life or school performance? Yes/No (Circle your answer.) How?

I. What did you learn about yourself from the above exercises? Did you discover anything new about yourself? Yes/No (Circle your answer.)

Today This is the beginning of a new day. It has been given me this day to use as I will. I can waste it, or use it for good. But what I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it. When tomorrow comes, 56

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this day will be gone forever. Leaving in its place Something that I have traded for it. Good and not evil, Success and not failure, In order that I shall not regret The price that I have paid for it. —KRISTONE (ADAPTED BY IDA GREENE)

This questionnaire will help you see how you feel about yourself. Self Esteem Assessment 1. Who am I? I am....

2. Are you like your mom or dad? Is that good or bad?

3. What makes you special/unique from others in your family or class?

4. What are your talents or gifts (things you do with ease that takes effort for others)?

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5. What are your strengths and your weaknesses?

6. What makes your ancestry (family tree) special?

7. Ask yourself, “How do I lift myself up without putting who looks or acts different from me down?”

8. What can you do to communicate with others if you are shy or easily embarrassed?

9. Do you make friends easily with strangers? If your answers is “no”, what can you do to overcome this obstacle?

10. How do you let someone know that you want to be his friend?

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Risk To laugh is to risk appearing a fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach out for another is to risk involvement. To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To hope is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing has nothing, is nothing. They may avoid suffering and sorrow, But they cannot learnfeel, change, grow, love, or live. Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave, they have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free. —ANON

Positive Self-Regard Affirmations I like me. I am wise. I deserve to be alive. I am worthy. I am worthy of recognition. I accept myself, just as I am. I accept my skin color, for it is beautiful. I am proud to be a(n) .............................. —IDA GREENE 59

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WAYS TO ENHANCE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM Things You Can Do To Help Yourself and Your Family: •

• •

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•

•

• •

Be supportive of your parents or guardians, and be willing to spend time with, and take responsibility for your siblings. Be a team player. Be a real family member. Family members help each other. Help out around the house, choose two chores you will be responsible to do, without being paid by your parents. Don’t be a freeloader, and expect your family and friends to always give to you. Give as well as receive. Model positive behavior to your friends and younger children. Do not smoke, drink, or use drugs. Study your schoolwork every night. Even if no one tells you. It is your brain you need to feed. Care enough about yourself to feed your mind with wholesome thoughts and ideas. Limit your television viewing time to no more than one hour a night on school nights. Avoid watching movies with violence, sex, or horror. Whatever activity you do before going to sleep will make an imprint in your brain. Stay in school and do well. Plan for college or a profession Encourage your friends to stay in school and do well. 60

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TEENS 13-18 YEARS OLD • Volunteer and do community service by helping at a senior center, church, or neighborhood center or facility. • Keep yourself physically fit. Exercise, eat fruits and vegetables, and encourage your friends to do the same. • Know how to get help for friends who get into trouble. Know where alcohol and drug treatment, counseling, and health services are located within your community. ENHANCE SELF-ESTEEM TO LIGHT THE FIRE WITHIN YOU Through our desires and goals we become motivated to change our circumstances. Drive to Excel
Goal Directness
Energy/Vitality
Enthusiasm
Light Aliveness (Joy, Happiness, Love)= FIRE Desire
Drive
Enthusiasm
Energy
Light/Aliveness = Good Feelings about Self THINGS THAT BLOCK GOOD FEELINGS ABOUT YOURSELF: Confidence blockers are those feeling and situations that cause your confidence to melt away or decrease. Confidence blockers are the uncertainties and insecurities we all feel in different areas of our lives...the fear of ‘not measuring up’...the fear of not being who and what we like to be. 61

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When does your confidence fizzle? What situations or feelings cause your confidence level to fall? 1. 2. 3. 4.

Being criticized? Feeling out of place? Personal rejection? Feeling poor?

Overcoming confidence blockers requires positive actions that eliminate, or set off your loss of confidence caused by negative responses and uncomfortable situations. The secret for overcoming confidence blockers lies in your ability to accept change. It is your ability to learn new skills or ideas. The specific actions necessary to overcome your confidence blockers depend on you or the situation. Start today to change, the only thing you have to lose is feeling lousy. Do any of these confidence blockers get you down? Remember identifying the confidence blockers is the first step toward getting rid of them. CONFIDENCE BLOCKERS To criticize yourself or others. To complain about yourself, your conditions, or others. To condemn yourself or others, have a strong bias or prejudice for. Are you guilty of saying or doing any of the above? Write comments below: 62

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1. 2. 3. SOME WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM A. Give thanks to the Infinite Being for the air you breathe and the food you eat. B. Say to yourself “Yes, I can do this,” or “Let me give it a try.” C. Forgive yourself, parents, or friends for mistakes. D. Give a smile to everyone you see, including yourself. E. Keep peace in your heart, by thinking peaceful thoughts. F. Love the Supreme Soul, yourself, and all of humanity. G. Never make another person your god. H. Never compare yourself to anyone. Shoot For The Moon, Even If You Miss, You’ll Land Among The Stars! —ANON

LIFE MIRRORS OUR BELIEF What are your beliefs about yourself? Write your answers below:

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The Following Is True About Me: 1.

The Following Is Not True About Me: 1.

2.

2.

My Self Perception Think of words that describe you. Use words that tell others something about you. (E.g. friendly, pretty, etc.) 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. EXERCISES TO INCREASE YOUR SELF-WORTH Exercises to empower you and increase Self-Worth: 1. Write words you feel best describe you.

2. What words would others use to describe you? Why?

3. Are you excited daily about getting up for school? Why?

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4. What is/are your favorite food/s? Favorite car/s? What is your idea of fun?

TEENS 13-18 YEARS OLD 5.Why were you created? To do what? To be whom?

6. If you could live any place in the U.S. or world where would it be?

7. If you could do what you wanted, what would you be? If you could have what you wanted, what would it be? What would you do?

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8. What do you think successful people do to become successful? 9. Will you go to college? Yes/No. Where?

Do you have enough happy times in your life? Your thoughts control your life. And the question you ask yourself determines your happiness. Write five thoughts you are saying to yourself now. Are they happy or unhappy memories?

If You Think Education Is Expensive, Try the Cost Of Ignorance! —AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Misery is the shadow we see between ourselves and the light of the universe. So watch what you think and what you say. SELF-ESTEEM: THE ESSENCE OF YOU 1. The key elements that negatively affect your self-esteem are: Culture
Identity
Ethnic Pride
Acculturation
Assimilation
Ridicule/Embarrassment
Shame
Confusion
Feelings of Less Than 66

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A. Which of the above category/ies have had a negative effect on the development of your self-esteem? Why?

B. State how this has influenced your personal life/school.

C. What thoughts do you have, that are not positive or uplifting?

To Light The Fire Within You™, learn how to be in control of your emotions and destructive urges. List ways you can avoid the following: 1. Resentment

2. Jealousy 3. Hostility

4. Rage

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LIGHT THE FIRE WITHIN YOU™ Healing the Shattered Image 1. Have you forgiven your parents, childhood caretakers, or others who had the power to negatively influence your life? Write their names below.

2. What negative thoughts or attitudes do you have toward your parents?

3. These are ways I can develop my capacity to care and feel positive emotions towards myself:

4. I am learning to forgive and love myself and others who mistreated me in my childhood. Write the names of people you need to forgive. (e.g. sister, cousin, aunt.) What would you say to them?

5. Shyness is caused by shame, embarrassment, or ridicule. What part of your self-image needs to be changed?

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6. Write any negative thoughts or attitudes you have towards your parents/caretaker.

7. Are you able to forgive your parents, yourself, the Eternal Being? What can you do to heal this relationship?

8. List any thing that makes you feel sad, mad, anxious, or glad. I feel sad when I think about:

I feel mad when I think about:

I feel anxious when I think of:

I feel glad when I think about:

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9. What can you do to cope with feeling unloved?

A. Also learn to forgive anyone who has mistreated you. Can you think of anyone you need to forgive?

B. List everyone below you need to forgive. Write a sentence to them. (E.g.: “Mom, I forgive you for not showing me love”; “Dad, I forgive you for ignoring/criticizing me.”)

C. Replace negative feelings about family members with positive ones. D. List things you can do to show love to yourself.

E. Sit quietly, practice sending loving thoughts to yourself or others who have mistreated you. 10. Self-Confidence is a feeling of being selfassured or comfort with what you say or do. 70

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Can you think of an activity, or behavior you do, where you feel calm and self-assured?

A. If not, what can you do to feel at ease with yourself when you perform in the presence of others?

B. Are your expectations of yourself realistic?

11. There are no two people alike. We were all created different.

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If I Could Change My Appearance… Some people aren’t happy with the way they look and want to change a few things about themselves. Maybe you don’t like the way your body looks or the size of your feet. Draw what you look like now in one box and in the other, draw what you want to look like. Me Now

How I Want to Be

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Trust Me! Answer the questions below.

Five people I trust are ,

,

,

,

and I trust them because

I think

(number)

people trust me.

They trust me because

I can earn other people’s trust by

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A Glance Into the Future Complete the sentences below. 1. I want to become

2. When I graduate from college I would like to

3. When I’m an adult, I think I would like to

4. To be what I want to be when I’m an adult, I’ll need to learn about

5. If I could change myself, I’d like to be more

and less 6. If I could move to anywhere in the world, it would be 7. I would like to take these things or people with me when I move

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10 Years From Now As people get older, a lot of things change about them. They may have a different hair color or a different job. Pretend that you are 10 years older and imagine what life would be like. Draw a picture of what you think you would look like in 10 years and also write about how your ideas have changed since you were in school.

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Chapter 3 How a Child Can Improve Their Self-Esteem Traditions are a useful way to impart knowledge from the past. On the continent of Africa, cultural traditions have a “Rites of Passage” ceremony which young boys and girls complete as they make the transition from childhood to woman/manhood. I have developed a modified program called “Life Skills Training” whereby young children ages 6-18 complete a 14week series of structured classes, designed to help a child identify areas of their lives that need improvement or corrective action. The program is three-fold: covering the fourteen characteristics of high selfesteem, the Ten Commandments, and twelve values that should be mastered before reaching adulthood. 77

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THE FOURTEEN CHARACTERISTICS OF A PERSON WITH HIGH SELF-RESPECT ARE: 1. Respect, for self and others. Respect for all life or life forms (animals, birds, insects). Ability to hold in high regard the wisdom of elders’ advanced knowledge, achievements, and accomplishments, and to let them serve as a guideline for self. Wisdom, the ability to profit from the life experiences, and mistakes of others. 2. Loving—Congenial, cooperative, compliant, teachable. To be in control of one’s mood. 3. Dependable—Reliable; to show up on time. 4. Honest—To not steal or take what is not yours. 5. Commitment—Keep your word or follow through on what you say. Ability to commit, and honor your obligation. 6. Truth—Tell the truth regardless of consequences to self. 7. Self-Appreciation—Self-acceptance, to know and accept one’s strengths/weakness, use of boundaries to support one’s value, self acknowledgment, be one’s own best friend, to like oneself. Ability to receive and give compliments. 8. Integrity—Have a sense of right and wrong, respects the rights and property of others, do what is right for self and others. 9. Self-Worth—Positive self-regard with a set of 78

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values to live by, accept themselves and others as a child of the Supreme Soul; Does not seek to be like others, or compare self with others? To feel valuable or worthwhile, ability to turn one’s weaknesses into strengths. 10. Responsible—Self-Reliance, Industrious, their actions match their words. Look for ways to improve self and one’s life; Be willing to take the necessary measures to provide for one’s livelihood. 11. Trustworthy—You can be trusted to follow through on what you start, able to follow directions. 12. Consistent—They act the same always in a positive fashion. 13. Self-Confidence—Courage, ability to take risks and be uncomfortable, ability to cope with adversity, disappointment, failure, and discouragement, without giving up on oneself. 14. Positive Attitude—have a “yes, I can attitude,” believe in the goodness of all people. Here are some principles you can use to improve selfesteem in any child How to Increase Self-Esteem In Anyone Uniqueness Each person is unique and different, so never compare yourself to anyone. You are an unrepeatable miracle. Specialness You are special and so is all other life on the planet. 79

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Talent Observe yourself and children in your life to see their talent. Differences Never envy who or what another does or has. You are different from everyone else. A Gem Discover the diamond/precious gem inside you, it is there. Weaknesses Understand and know your weaknesses, and develop them into strengths. Acceptance Accept who you are, your flaws, imperfections and all. Integrity Be the same all the time, be genuine. No one likes a phony, including you. Character Develop a strong character foundation, the qualities you would like to see in others-honesty, dependable. Honesty Tell the truth, even if it gets you in trouble. It will get you into Heaven, later. Approval Like and approve the person you see in the mirror each day. If you are doing something wrong stop it! Love Love and support yourself without being arrogant or feeling superior. You are equal to all people great and small. 80

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Value Accept that you have value to life and are is worthy to exist. Strengths Find out your special strengths and develop them. Manners Have good manners. They are the glue that keeps relationships together. Some important words are: Please, Thank You, I Apologize, Excuse me, May I, Could You, Would You. Interest Show interest in what others do and they will show interest in what you do . Smile Smile often, it is like medicine for the soul. Praise Compliment others. if you can’t say something good about yourself or others, keep your words to yourself Self-Help What, you do to/for others, you do to/for yourself. “What goes around come around.” Appreciation Appreciate the blessing and gift you are to life and people Criticism Learn to accept more, and criticize or fault find less. Sincerity Heap large doses of sincere praise on others, and you will be attractive to them. Friend Be a friend, be friendly, and you will have friends. 81

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Kind Be kind to others, if you desire someone to be kind to you. We need all the help we can get, on earth and in Heaven. Optimism Have a positive outlook about situations and on life.

Attitude You can see good or bad, hope or doom. Your attitude can be positive or negative. It is how you see things.

Risk Take a chance. A turtle never gets any place until it sticks it neck out. Change is scary, but it can be exciting and fun.

Believe Believe in the goodness of humanity. Believe in the child in yourself. Someone has to believe in you, let it be you.

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HAVE SELF-CONFIDENCE To Have Self-Confidence You Need a “TAB” 1. Think Confident—With a “Can Do” Attitude a. Think “I can do it.” b. Say, to yourself “I can handle this.” 2. Act Confident a. Hold your head up b. Keep your shoulders back c. Sit tall in your seat d. Stand erect, with good posture 3. Be Confident a. Trust your divine (Spirit) self to show you the way 82

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b. Accept excellence as a way of life— Excellence has no fear of observation. WHAT YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE You have control over and can change the following: 1. Your Attitude—It tells how you feel about yourself. a. Positive attitude builds self-confidence b. Negative attitude tears down self-confidence 2. Your Environment—The friends you choose reflect your self-image. 3. Your Learning Skills—Knowing how you receive and communicate information helps you learn faster. a. Visual Person—Learn through seeing b. Auditory Person—Learn through hearing c. Kinesthetic—Learn through moving, doing, and touch Finish This Sentence: “I am special because…” A. B. C. Each One Reach One, Each One Teach One. —IDA GREENE 83

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Our culture gives us information about our ancestors, and family members who lived before us. Our culture helps us create a point of reference as the beginning of ourselves. It provides an identity for us of how those who look like us began. It gives us a map to follow, and shows us how to begin. When a child is young, he/she seeks a point of reference as the beginning of self. Where did I come from? To whom do I belong? How did I get to earth? Are there other people who look like me? Our cultural ethnic identity answers this question. Write any thought that comes to your mind here: Is there something missing in your life, if so what is it? Can you do anything to fill this void, so it does not take from your self-esteem? ALWAYS LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST A Guide to Self-Esteem Don’t let go of hope. Hope gives you the strength to keep going when you feel like giving up. Don’t ever quit believing in yourself. As long as you believe you can, you will have a reason for trying. Don’t let anyone hold your happiness in their hands;hold it in yours, so it will always be within your reach. Don’t measure success or failure by material wealth, but by how you feel; Our feelings determine the richness of our lives. Don’t let bad moments overcome you; we all need it from time to time. Don’t run away from love but towards love, 84

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because it is our deepest joy. Don’t wait for what you want to come to you. Go after it with all that you are, knowing that life will meet you halfway. Don’t feel like you’ve lostwhen plans and dreams fall short of your hopes. Anytime you learn something new about yourself or about life, you have progressed. Don’t do anything that takes away from your selfrespect. Feeling good about yourself is essential to feeling good about life. Don’t ever forget how to laugh or be too proud to cry. It is by doing both that we live life to its fullest. —NANCYE SIMS

20 LAWS OF SELF-ESTEEM 1. Accept yourself confidently as you are. 2. Never do anything in private that you would not want the world to know. 3. Think the best, and expect the best, of yourself at all times. 4. Become your own best friend. 5. Perform to the best of your ability in all your endeavors. 6. Put no other person before yourself; including your friend, child, mother, father, lover, husband, or wife. 7. Develop and nourish your inner-self continuously. 8. Listen and be open to your inner prompting and follow your intuition. 85

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10.

11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16.

17. 18. 19. 20.

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Hold yourself in high esteem and accept that there is a larger force in the universe that operates independent of you. Know that there is a force that keeps the universe together, and that all things are always working out as they should. Think for yourself, trust your judgment, and make your own decisions. Worry less and trust your decision-making ability. Become a decision maker. Be a mover and doer of goodwill for yourself and all of humanity. Treat yourself with kindness, dignity and self-respect. Guard the words that fall from your lips. Make them words of joy, happiness, and goodwill towards all, including yourself. Avoid comparing yourself to others. Expect the best from all people, including yourself. Constantly seek ways to improve yourself. Strive for excellence in all you do, say, and think. —IDA GREENE

To Know Your True Self, Answer These Questions 1. Who am I?: I am…

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2. What I really want to be/have in life is:

3. My likes and my dislikes:

4. Finish this statement, “I am most unhappy at home when I have to, need to:”

5. Finish this statement, “I am the happiest at home when I…” As long as a person breathes that person should not lose hope. —JERUSALEM TALMUD, 9:1

LIGHT THE FIRES WITHIN™ Self-Esteem, the Essence of You To Discover Your Passion in Life, Ask Yourself These Questions: 1. What things in life give you the greatest pleasure or satisfaction? Write these down then put them in order of importance. Personal:

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Future Career Goals:

Social:

Spiritual:

2. What things do others praise or compliment you on?

3. Now that you have completed the activities above, what thing or things would you enjoy doing every day of the year, even if you were not paid with money?

Whatever you choose as your passion, (your hot button) start now and enjoy the rest of your life. “Life Is Shorter Than You Think.” I Am Worth It I may sometime cause confusion when I am unclear in my communication, unsure of myself, or uncertain about an outcome, yet I am worth the bother. 88

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I may act timid and fearful sometimes, but please remember that I am trying to sort things out in my mind, and I am worth the bother. Even though you may struggle to understand me, I am worth it. My friend, I am the other half of you. I am incomplete without you, and you are incomplete without me. In some strange way, though we differ in racial composition, thoughts, ideas, and behavior; we are wedded to each other. I will release you for now, to soar above the heavens. Just remember that whatever disappointment or challenge I face, I deserve the best for I am worth it, and so are you. .

—IDA GREENE

The ruin of a nation begins in the homes of its people. —ASHANTI AFRICAN PROVERB

SELF ESTEEM, ARE YOU READY TO CHANGE? A. State how you can change the following: 1. Your beliefs—Core values about who you are.

2. Your self-respect—An appreciation of yourself.

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3. Your attitude—The beliefs you have about yourself.

4. Self-Image—An inner picture of the person you desire to become.

5. Self-Appreciation—The acceptance of oneself; someone who knows their strengths and weaknesses; Someone who knows what they do well and where they need help.

6. How will you change self-defeating behaviors like procrastination, tardiness, or boredom?

7. To have more energy, to feel alive, and avoid the three Cs: • Criticizing • Complaining • Condemning

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8. To experience more happiness, eliminate the following. Write what you will do to control or eliminate: a. Resentment

b. Envy

c. Jealousy

d. Frustration
Irritations
Anger
Hostility
Rage I will stop the cycle at the above point: MENTAL EXERCISE FOR SELF-CONTROL My peace is within me, and is not disturbed by anything outside of me. I am in control of my thoughts, my feelings and my reactions. I develop a habit of being mindful, whereby I remember to be aware of myself when I am provoked, and consciously refrain from over-reacting. I have a right to my opinion, but I do not have the right to inflict anger upon another person. And I no longer wish to inflict it on myself. I want to heal myself of this problem, and I accept my healing now. 91

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Thought for the Day Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. —ANON

A Weak Person Goes Where He Is Smiled At. — TRADITIONAL SAYINGS OF AFRICAN PEOPLES HERRO

Affirmations My way in life is made clear to me, I listen to, and follow my intuition. I am filled with enthusiasm, and I am an enthusiastic person. —IDA GREENE

LIGHT THE FIRE WITHIN™ Self-Esteem, the essence of you 1. Things I like about myself:

Because..........

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2. Things I dislike about myself:

Because........

3. To Discover Your Strengths: List characteristics or traits that are uniquely you.

4. To find your weaknesses: List faults or areas of your personality you want to improve.

Change your Thinking to Light the Fire Within™ Things I will change as of today: I now affirm: I like me! I like the person I am becoming. I trust my judgment. I trust my decision-making ability. 93

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I know my mind is as good as that of others. I accept that my mind will work for me. I know I can make wise decisions. I have an excellent memory. I can depend on my mind to remember things. I can figure things out with my keen, sharp, mind. I now release anger, resentment, and all past unhappy thoughts. It is O.K. for me to make a mistake. It is O.K. for me to not be perfect. It is O.K. for me to relax. It is O.K. for me to be myself. It is O.K. for me to not know everything. It is O.K. for me to be corrected or receive input about myself. It is O.K. for me to enjoy life. Secondary Factors That Affect Our Self-Esteem 1. Listening Skills—Hear new information, and decide to act or not to act. 2. Shame—Feel shy or self-conscious 3. Rejection—Lack of approval/self-dislike, low self-concept. 4. Ridicule—To feel blame or embarrassment with reason. 5. Fear/Intimidation—Anxiety about a real/imagined harm. 6. Confusion—Behavioral state caused by disapproval/rejection. 7. Low/No Self-Respect—No self-regard, inability to esteem self. 94

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8. “Something for Nothing” belief—Allows one to be tricked, misled. 9. Criticism—Disapprove/fault find-Judge self and others. 10. Lack of self-discipline—No control over mouth, self-interest, antisocial behavior. 11. Intolerance/Impatience—Hot tempered, easy to anger/offend. 12. Lack of Affection/Caring—Inability to feel or express emotions. 13. Lack of Security—Inability to trust self or others. 14. Lack of Encouragement or Praise—Creates low self-worth. 15. Low self-appreciation—Unsure of self, harbor feelings of injustice, unfairness. 16. Assimilate—Integration into a group/culture that does not accept you. Write which of the above has affected your selfesteem, and what you will do to change this.

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AFFIRMATIONS FOR HIGH SELF-ESTEEM Look in the Mirror Every Morning and Affirm: 1. I nurse my inner child with love in my heart, and I am healed of past errors. 2. I now support my inner child. I am healed of any sense of low self-worth. I am worthy and deserving of all the good I can imagine and then more. 3. It is O.K. for the little child in me to succeed and be successful. 4. I approve of my inner child, she/he is O.K. 5. I am a spiritual being living a spiritual life. I have no doubt, anxiety, or fear. 6. Knowing that what I experience is a result of my thinking; I eliminate all negativity from my mind. I accept the good I desire. 7. I now take control over my life. 8. I have that within me that will maintain and sustain me in all ways, for I am Divine 9. I am blessed with an abundance of all the good life has to offer, this includes money, and money substance. 10. I rely on the spirit of self-reliance within me to satisfy all my needs. Self-esteem is not a privilege. It is a right. However, young people struggle on a daily basis to maintain their cultural identity, or sense of self. Children are open and loving. They lack the skills to nurture, to protect, or to maintain their sense of self against subtle, open bias, exclusivity, or rejection. Children must first 96

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like themselves and then respect themselves and finally appreciate themselves before they can do this for another human being. We need to explore and learn about ourselves. We do this by facing our darkness and our weaknesses. By working through these aspects of ourselves to draw strength from them. You cannot fully know your strengths until you know your weaknesses. When you know your weaknesses and shortcomings and you use them to become a better person. Our self-esteem is the vehicle we use in life to accomplish what we set out to do. It takes you to your destinations throughout your life. It is a multi-layered component of your humanness. To have good selfesteem you must have the same positive feelings for other humans that you have for yourself. And when you put positive thoughts into your mind, you get a positive view of yourself, which is our outer, public self-esteem. And when you hold a positive outlook on life, it can be likened to putting premium gas in your car as opposed to regular gas. You can still drive your car, it just does not operate at peak performance. The same is true for your self-esteem. You may like yourself enough to get out of bed to go to school each day. However, if you want to improve your grades in school, or your behavior you will need to improve your self-esteem. A positive self-esteem brings forth a positive attitude. Your attitude will determine your altitude in life. The attitude you hold about yourself and others will decide whether you go to great heights in life to 97

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receive honors and recognition or go downward in life to experience a life of poverty, crime, ridicule or imprisonment.When we have high self-esteem, we show respect for ourselves and others. We are able to listen, reflect on what we hear, and determine if our behavior or actions raise or lower our self-esteem. You will go as far in life as your self-esteem allows. When we have low, or no self-esteem, we dislike ourselves and other people. We are rude, aggressive, rebellious, and defiant. When we have high self-esteem, we show respect for our self and others. We are: tolerant, kind, caring, and are good listeners, we have an even temperament and control our mouths and emotions. True personal freedom is your ability to choose your attitude, actions and reactions. When you are in control of yourself, you are free to be your own person, and live your life as you choose. Self-control and self-discipline is the price you pay for freedom. Avoid the tendency to seek a life of ease and comfort, for both lead to decay, poverty, and self-destruction. If your self-esteem is damaged through generations of abuse, your emotional security is affected. Thereby affecting your Self-Identity/Self-Concept, Self-Image, Self-Acceptance, Self-Respect, Self-Worth, and SelfConfidence. Our sense of Security is provided through our family ties, or roots. Our ancestral family ties provide a point of beginning for us. It answers the questions: “Where did I come from? Whom do I belong to? Am I part of a larger network?” This diagram shows the relationship of the child to the family tree. 98

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Self Identity

Ethnic Cultural Identity

Acculturation

Assimilation

Integration Pride
If a child can identify with this network and find his or her place, the result can enrich, and give them a sense of empowerment. Family reunions serve this purpose. They bring together generations of ancestors who are talked about and seen in a family portrait album as they come alive and real. The factors that work to give us a sense of importance and security can also negatively affect our self-esteem. Listed are a number of factors that build self-esteem when employed, and tear it down when not employed. These factors are: 1. Culture
Self-Identity
Ethnic Pride
Acculturation
Assimilation
2. Cultural Values of Acceptable, Appropriate Behaviors 3. Ridicule
Embarrassment
Shame
Low Self-Worth
Confusion 4. Self Limiting Beliefs
Thoughts
Behavior Self Identity—Our self-identity of the past has been negatively impacted due to many causes. 1. Past suffering and emotional pain caused by discrimination. 2. Emotional dependency on others for your sense of identity to define who you are, and whether your behavior is acceptable. I agree with the statement made by Eleanor Roosevelt “No one can reject you without your permission.” If 99

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you like and accept yourself, it does not matter what anyone thinks about you. However, this state of mind is not easy to achieve. We are social beings who want to be accepted by others. You should make an effort to be socially acceptable. However, if you are not accepted repeatedly, by someone or some group you may have to acknowledge that you may never get the acceptance you are seeking. People will either like you, or dislike you for their own reason, which you may never know. You will not have everyone like you. Many people do not like themselves, and we tend to treat people the way we treat ourselves. Ethnic Pride—is an important element provided by your cultural group. It gives you a sense of belonging, and acts as a point of reference. It can create a sense of distinction, or be a source of embarrassment and disgrace for you. This is especially true if your family member is a noted gang/drug leader, or is a relative of a respected public figure. You can use your ethnic pride as a tool to help you set goals, and feel proud of yourself. Acknowledging our heritage or culture gives us information about our ancestors, family members who lived long ago. Our culture gives us information about our ancestors, or family members who before you were born. Complete this sentence, I am royalty because…

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Draw a picture of how you would look as a member of a royal family.

List some ethnic values of your family below: a. b. c. Self-Image. Is an inner picture of how one see themselves, as reflected in their behavior. Our self-concept/identity is formed partly from our cultural identity through the morals and values shared with us by elders and the ethnic pride we develop. It creates a sense of belonging. From which we form our selfimage. 101

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MY SELF-ESTEEM Using a scale of 0 through 10 (0 lowest, 5 average, 10 highest) choose the number that indicates how you feel at this moment and the number that indicate how you want to feel in each of the following areas of selfesteem. Self-Esteem Areas

I Feel

I Want to Feel

Sense of Uniqueness Sense of Belonging Sense of Power Sense of Joy Sense of Wonder Sense of Integrity Sense of Mastery Sense of Purpose

These are the areas of my self-esteem I choose to develop:

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My Self-Concept 1. Self-Concept/Identity—Is it: nice person, poor me, be perfect, superiority-inferiority complex)? What mask/masks do you wear? How do you see yourself? List below:

2. Using your non-dominant hand, write about your self-concept.

3. Using your non-dominant hand, draw a picture of your self-concept/self-identity.

4. Write one word that describes your selfconcept/self-identity. 103

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5. What self-concept would you have if you were unhampered, or felt unlimited?

Draw a picture of this person.

I Love Myself the Way I Am I love myself the way I am; there is nothing I need to change. I’ll always be the perfect me; there is nothing to rearrange. I’m beautiful and capable of being the best me I can and I love myself just the way I am. I love you just the way you are; there’s nothing you 104

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need to do. When I feel the love inside myself, it’s easy to love you. Behind your fears, your rage and tears, I see your shining star, And I love you just the way your are. I love all the people the way they are cause I can clearly see that All the things I judge are done by people just like me. So, till the birth of peace on earth that only love can bring, I’ll help it grow by loving everyone. I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow. But change outside can only come when deep inside I know I’m beautiful and capable of being the best me I can; and I love myself, just the way I am, I love myself, just the way I am. —ANON Blocks to your Self-Image and Self-Esteem 1. Abuse-emotional/physical affects the total person. 2. Negative perceptions we hold about ourselves. 3. Negative perceptions others hold of us; the words they use when they describe us or the way they tease us; the way they treat us. 4. A mental image you hold of yourself. Is it a nagger, a complainer, stupid? What masks do 105

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you wear? How do you really see yourself? List below:

5. Write about your self-image.Your self-image is the outer picture of whoever you are inside.

6. Using your non-dominant hand, draw a picture of your self-image.

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7. Write one word that describes your selfimage. 8. What self-image would you write about, if you were satisfied with yourself?

Magic Within Me I have magic within me. I think I can-and I can. I believe-and it happens I create my own future out of today’s thoughts and today’s plans and today’s actions. I control my own future It is created in my mind What great power I have. —KATHRYN SOUTHWORTH

Words of Wisdom A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. You must start where you are, To get where you want to go, or be what you desire. 107

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You must create a vision. Elevate your thoughts, and mind to that vision. Hold tenaciously to that vision, and as night follows day, your dream will one day become reality. The Supreme Spirit is closer to you than the breath you breathe. It is the breath you breathe. —IDA GREENE

Through our desires and goals we become motivated to change our lives. To Discover Your True Self, Ask Yourself These Questions: 1. Who am I?:

2. My likes are: My dislikes are:

3. I am good at:

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4. What I really want to do in life is:

5. What/who is the most important thing/person in your life?

6. What is your goal in life?

7. What do you consider most urgent right now?

8. What has produced the most happiness in your life?

9. Finish this statement, “As an adult, if I could only do one kind of work, it would be.”

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10. “I am most unhappy when I have to, or need to…”

11. Finish this statement, “I am the happiest when I:”

12. “I am most unhappy at school when I have to…”

13. “I am the happiest at school/home when I…”

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Chapter 4 Agony and Ecstasy of the Evolving Self If you want to improve your self-esteem, you will have to change the way you think and act and the way you look at yourself. If you are unhappy with yourself or your life you must take corrective action. This is a do it yourself task. No one can do it for you. Because no one knows your likes and dislikes. No one knows you intimately, but you andthe Great Spirit. And It knows you better than you know yourself. It knows who you are (his child), It knows who and what you are capable of being. The Spirit does not put limitations on your ability or your potential. It always says “Yes,” to anything you want in life. The critical factors are that you want this with all your mind, body, and soul and that, you are willing to pay whatever price necessary to get what you want. You are unwavering in your desire or quest to have what you want, and most importantly—that it 111

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does not infringe upon the rights of your fellow human beings, and what you want is for the good of all people every where. Our self-respect and self-pride cannot be bought. We get it through what we do with our life. We must be careful to act, behave and live with the understanding that the Infinite Spirit is sufficient to supply all of our needs. When you become dependent on anything or anyone other than the Great Spirit to supply your needs, that person or thing has the power to control how you feel. You lose control over yourself. As a result, your self-esteem, self-respect, and selfconfidence suffers. On self-confidence, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. wrote the following comments, in a 1958 issue of Ebony magazine: 1. Know thyself, analyze yourself and discover your potentialities as well as your limitations. 2. Accept yourself, never try to be anybody else. Realize that you have something unique to offer society, however humble it is. 3. Trust thyself. In spite of limitations you may have. Never develop an inferiority complex. Always develop an internal sense of security that no external situation can remove. 4. Deny thyself. You lose confidence in yourself when you think too much about yourself. Nine times out of ten, people are not thinking about you.”

There are two sources of confidence, yourself and other people. Self-approval from within gives you feelings of accomplishment, self-worth, and self-identity. It is believing in yourself, and feeling capable. To know you are doing your best, liking yourself, and 112

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feeling you can do what you desire. Self-confidence from the outside is dependent upon someone else’s approval, winning their acceptance, respect, and recognition. On the outside, self-confidence is being important, being needed, being included, receiving a pat on the back, and being asked to join things. Problems with your self-confidence arise when there is a gap between how you feel about yourself in the present, how you would like to feel, or how people see you now, and how you would like them to see you. Overcoming challenges is what life is about. Strive to do your life’s work as if the Eternal Spirit called you to do it. Do it with a sense of divine responsibility. In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.: “Do a little job in a big way, and an ordinary job in an extraordinary way. If you can’t be a pine on the top of a hill, be a scrub in the valley, but be the best little scrub on the side of the hill. Be a bush if you can’t be a tree. If you can’t be the sun, be a star. For it isn’t by the size that you win or fail. Be the best of whatever you are.…If it falls your lot to sweep streets, sweep them like Michelangelo painted pictures, like Shakespeare wrote poetry, like Beethoven composed music.”

We must do the best we can with the talents and resources the Eternal Spirit has given us. For who we are, is the Spirit’s gift to us, what we make of ourselves is our gift to It. Will you return to the Spirit a masterpiece worth beholding, or the heap of ashes from which you came? Each of us is here by divine appointment. Each has a different task to complete for our journey on earth. We all have a different mission and purpose in life. No 113

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two people are alike. By sharing your dreams, visions, sorrows, and accomplishments with others, you may give them an idea on how to best proceed at a task. Work to improve your relationship with yourself and then with others. Your relationship with others provides the refinement you need as a human being. Here are some guidelines on friendship and how to be a good friend: 1. When someone entrusts you with their thoughts and feelings, take good care of them. 2. Honor the trust others place in you the best way you can. 3. Trust is not easy to give. It takes time to openly share yourself with someone. When someone trusts you, they are reaching out to you, and it should be honored. 4. Respect the confidence others place in you to share their personal and private selves. 5. Recognize when others are reaching out to you, welcome it as an open and honest form of communication. 6. Act as a good steward of the personal thoughts and feelings being shared with you. 7. Be considerate and conscious of your thoughts when dealing with others. Be aware of your actions and your words. Appreciate all of your relationships. Each of us has shortcomings. However, it is a privilege and a blessing to be alive. You learn from the good as well as bad ones. Try to be harmonious with others. 114

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Things you can do to harmonize your relationships with others: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Do not demean or ridicule another person. Do not challenge another person. Respect disagreement. Don’t be condescending. Don’t speak for others. Don’t interrupt when another person is speaking. 7. Don’t think someone is exceptional or special. 8. Notice what you expect from others. 9. Know that others may not always speak on the present issues. 10. Do not assume everyone will do what you expect.

Things you can do to have good relationships with others: 1. Do not make nasty remarks to another person. 2. Respect disagreement. 3. Listen to the other person. 4. Don’t put the other person down. 5. Don’t speak for others—let them say what they think. 6. Don’t interrupt when another person is speaking. 7. Remember, we are all different—no one is better, or worse, than you. 8. Remember what you expect from others. 115

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9. Know that others may prefer to say nothing and not get into an argument. 10. Do not assume everyone will do what you expect. How To Help Others Get A Larger View Of Themselves This exercise is a group project. Form a group of five persons. Each person should describe themselves to the group. As each group member describes themselves, make notes of each person’s strengths, favorable characteristics they may have overlooked or not emphasized strongly. Take turns telling each person about your observations. 1. Group member’s name: The favorable ways you impressed me were:

2. Group member’s name: The favorable ways you impressed me were:

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3. Group member’s name: The favorable ways you impressed me were:

4. Group member’s name: The favorable ways you impressed me were:

5. Group member’s name: The favorable ways you impressed me were:

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The Only Way To Have A Friend Is To Be One. —RALPH WALDO EMERSON

IMAGES OF YOU If a child believes s/he will lose important relationships if s/he fails to meet others needs, or if s/he is different from others, s/he will develop a “public self” different from who the “private self” s/he is inside. Circle the words you think describes how other people perceive you now. Then put a box around the words you believe portray how you really are. How Others See Me Angry Anxious Attractive Caring Confident Considerate Distant Dumb Fat Friendly Handsome

Happy Inferior Insecure Intelligent Kind Lonely Sad Scared Secure Sensitive Skinny

How I See Me Angry Anxious Attractive Caring Confident Considerate Distant Dumb Fat Friendly Handsome

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Happy Inferior Insecure Intelligent Kind Lonely Sad Scared Secure Sensitive Skinny

ABUSE—ITS EFFECT ON THE WHOLE PERSON

Chapter 5 Abuse—Its Effect Upon The Total Person Emotional abuse affects our sense of self and selfesteem. An assault to our emotional health is equally as devastating as sexual or physical abuse because it injures the core of your personality. You must be aware of this to insure you do not inflict the abuse you encountered and endured on others. This awareness is critical. We won’t avoid doing something we don’t consider a problem. We pass it on to the next generation. Bad things do happen to good people. It is not what happens to you that matters, but how you feel, and react to what has happened to you. You can let a bad experience transform you to help others in a similar situation, or you can become bitter, angry, or rebellious, and unable to cope with life. Or you can work to forgive those who abused you, so you can live peacefully with yourself and others. Abuse means mistreating another person. Abuse 119

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may be physical, emotional, or sexual. The word “abuse” can be used to mean each of these, or it can be used to mean all three of them. WAYS YOU MAINTAIN LOW SELF-ESTEEM You Lower Your Self-Esteem By:
Depending upon others for a sense of importance.
Not accepting complete responsibility for your life.
Depending upon others to do what you need to do.
Not setting clear goals.
Depending upon others permission before I am able to act.
Not differentiating between who you are and what you do.
Comparing yourself to others, to make them a gauge of your importance.
Thinking your decisions need to be perfect or right.
Failing to make choices, or think in a rigid/limited manner.
Not giving yourself permission to make a mistake or fail.
Not allowing yourself freedom to express your thoughts or feelings.
Being fearful and anxious about things you can do nothing about. 120

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Thinking another person’s brain is better equipped to solve your problems.
Thinking you need to be perfect to be OK
Being afraid to step outside your comfort zone or overly self-conscious. Check the ones above that apply to you. Then explain why this is an issue.

SELF-DESCRIPTION Answer these Questions for Yourself Who am I? What am I like? How do others see me? What are my strengths? What are areas of my life I want to develop great skills in? Write a description of what you are like. This exercise will increase your self-awareness and communication skills. Sit down now, and summarize what you have learned about yourself. 1. 2. 3. 4. 121

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WAYS TO CHANGE A LOW SELF-IMAGE 1. Change all negative images you hold about yourself to positive. 2. Do you have negative thoughts, or feelings towards anyone? Who is it? Why?

3. What can you do to heal this/these relationship/s?

4. To know what you feel, write what you are feeling right now.

5. To cope with feelings of being unloved, list the names of anyone who has ever shown you tenderness or affection.

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Chapter 6 Healing the Shattered Self-Image HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF Remember that you are a product of the wisdom, knowledge, genius, and cultural values of your ancestors, and people who lived before you. Who you are is the Eternal Being’s gift to you. What you make of yourself is your gift to It. Will you give back to the Great Spirit the lump of clay from which you came? Or will your life be a masterpiece to behold? The answer is inside you. You hold the key to your future. You decide your destiny. You have been given the freedom of choice. You can make a difference. You matter and you are special. You have inside you all the talent of the ages. So walk tall and be proud. You are somebody. 123

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1. Accept that you are important. 2. Accept that you are valued, therefore you have self-worth, self-value, and importance. 3. Accept that all people are special... including you. 4. Respect your right to privacy as well as the rights of others. 5. Accept that no one is here to satisfy your needs and neither are you here to meet the needs of others. 6. Accept that others have to want to love us, and care about/care for us. We cannot demand that we are loved. It is their choice to like or love us. And we let it be OK 7. If we have abused others verbally, emotionally or physically, they will be afraid to trust us, because they fear being hurt by us again. 8. We have to earn others trust, love, and affection, it is not a right or a privilege they owe us. 9. Tell the truth, never say “it does not matter,” when it does. 10. Accept your feelings. Acknowledge your pain, hurt, disappointment, depression, grief, feelings of: sadness, rejection, loneliness, abandonment, resentment, anger, rage, and lack of love. 11. To have love you must be love and express love, to attract love into your life. So daily send love to yourself and others. Send love to 124

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others through your thoughts, smile, eyes and your touch. 12. Do no rely on words to convey your feelings to others. Without commitment, words are cheap, useless hot air, and do not mean anything. Verbal promises are easy to break without action to back them up. 13. People watch what you do, not what you say. And you should pay attention to what people do, rather than what they say. We do not like to hurt others feelings, so we say things to make them feel good. Honesty with tact is always best. Reclaiming Your Self 1. If you allow others to not respect you, or ignore your needs, and wants, they will continue to do so because you allow it. 2. You must acknowledge and accept that you are important and therefore worthwhile. 3. You must have standards for yourself and for your life. Let there be certain things you will not accept or tolerate. 4. Never let guilt about past wrongs get in the way of your belief that you are a worthwhile person. 5. Pray daily and ask forgiveness for your wrongs. 6. On a daily basis have a list of names of persons you ask to forgive you for past wrongs to them. 125

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7. After you ask forgiveness, do not commit the same errors again. 8. On a daily basis forgive yourself and others for misdeeds/abuse to you. 9. Accept that you are not perfect and neither is anyone else. 10. Replace your addiction to others and things with a strong love for nature. 11. Stand up for your rights. Say what you will and will not accept. Be your own best friend. 12. Others will respect your rights when you acknowledge and respect your rights. 13. People treat us with the same respect we feel we deserve. 14. Do not blame others if you let them violate your rights, disrespect you or ignore your wishes. You allow it by not taking a stand for what is right. 15. Let people know when your needs are violated. They are not mind readers.

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True Beauty Things aren’t really as bad as they seem, Listen to me, I’m your self-esteem. You’re not really ugly, and you’re not overweight. Think of your good points, Your complexion is great! You have a great sense of humor, and are as smart as can be. Who cares if you don’t wear a perfect size three? You are thoughtful and caring — Your actions will show The heart full of love, that I already know. Don’t listen to those who throw insults your way. Just smile and nod, and think of this day. I’m saying it now, and I’ll say it again. How you look doesn’t matter, true beauty lies within! — LESLIE DRYMON

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MY SELF

I have to live with myself, and so I want to be fit for myself to know, I want to be able, as days go by, Always to look myself straight in the eye; I don’t want to stand, with the setting sun, And hate myself for the things I’ve done. I don’t want to keep on a closet shelf, A lot of secrets about myself. And fool myself, as I come and go, Into thinking that nobody else will know The kind of person that I really am; I don’t want to dress up myself in sham. I want to go out with my head erect, I want to deserve all men’s respect; But here in the struggle for fame and self, I want to be able to like myself. I don’t want to look at myself and know That I’m bluster and bluff and empty show, I never can hide myself from me; I see what others may never see; I know what others may never know; I never can fool myself, and so, Whatever happens, I want to be Self-respecting and conscience free. — Edgar A. Guest 128

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MY SELF

I have to live with myself, and so I want to be fit for myself to know, I want to be able, as days go by, Always to look myself straight in the eye; I don’t want to stand, with the setting sun, And hate myself for the things I’ve done. I don’t want to keep on a closet shelf, A lot of secrets about myself. And fool myself, as I come and go, Into thinking that nobody else will know The kind of person that I really am; I don’t want to dress up myself in sham. I want to go out with my head erect, I want to deserve all men’s respect; But here in the struggle for fame and self, I want to be able to like myself. I don’t want to look at myself and know That I’m bluster and bluff and empty show, I never can hide myself from me; I see what others may never see; I know what others may never know; I never can fool myself, and so, Whatever happens, I want to be Self-respecting and conscience free. — Edgar A. Guest 129

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HOW TO REPAIR A SHATTERED SELF-IMAGE 1. Have you forgiven your parents, childhood caretakers, or others who had power to negatively influence your life? Write their names below.

2. What negative thoughts or attitude do you have toward your parents?

3. Are you able to forgive your family? How can you heal this relationship?

4. List ways you can learn to care and show positive emotions for your parents or caretakers.

5. State ways you can forgive yourself, or those who have hurt you.

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A. List everyone below you feel hate for. What can you do to eliminate this feeling?

6. What parts of your self-image need improvement (self-worth positive self-regard/confidence)? What will you do about it?

7. List things you can do to show love to yourself

8. Learning how to cope with feeling unloved? Do you feel no one cares for you? The Infinite Spirit cares for you. Write a letter to the Spirit in the space below: Dear Great Spirit,

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• Can you replace any negative feelings you have about yourself with positive feelings?

• List things you can do to show caring for yourself.

• Sit quietly, practice sending love arrows to yourself or others who mistreated you. 9. Self-Confidence—A feeling of being selfassured, or comforted with what you say or do. • Can you think of an activity or behavior you do, where you feel self-assured?

• If not, what can you do to feel at ease with yourself?

• Are your expectations too high or unrealistic for yourself? Remember there are no two people alike. Everyone is different and 132

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unique. Are you angry that you are special?

• Do you tell yourself you must be perfect to be an OK person?

• Do you like yourself? Why? Why not?

• Is there someone you like better than yourself? Why?

• List below thoughts you hold about yourself, good or bad.

HOW TO HEAL OLD HURTS FROM PAST FRIENDSHIPS Answer the following questions in the spaces below. 1. How have your friendship(s) in the past affected your interactions with others. Are you able to see your faults?

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2. Have you forgiven your parents, childhood caretakers, or others who had power to negatively influence your life? Write names of these persons.

3. What negative thoughts/attitudes do you have about your parents?

4. Things that block good feelings about yourself are: • Criticize yourself or others • Complain about yourself, your conditions, or others • Condemn yourself or others, a strong bias or prejudice Can you change these habits? What will you do?

How to Light the Fire Within You: • Give thanks for the air you breathe, the food you eat. 134

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• • • • • • •

Say “yes, I can do this”, or “let me give it a try.” Forgive yourself, your parents or friends for past mistakes. Give a smile to everyone you meet, including yourself. Think peaceful thoughts. Love the Supreme Spirit, yourself, and all humanity in that order Never make another person your god. Put no one before the Supreme Spirit or yourself. Never compare yourself to anyone. There will always be people greater or lesser than you

OTHER FACTORS THAT CREATE LOW SELF-ESTEEM 1. Do you have a distorted self-image? Do you know what part/s of your self-image needs changing? Ask yourself if the self-image you now have is helping you reach your goals. Do you need to create a new image to match the new you? What can you do about this? Be specific.

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2. Do you have envy towards or resent anyone? If so, it will hinder your success in life. If your answer is yes, write the names below. Daily, forgive these person for the harm they did to you.

3. Forgive parents/caretakers—What can you do to forgive your parents to heal the hurts of this relationship?

4. How to cope with feeling unloved— Learn to love yourself, then transfer that good feeling to others, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” State How You Can Change The Following: 1. Your beliefs—What are your thoughts on what you will do with your life? Do you like yourself and other people? 2. Self-Respect—Do you behave in a way that makes you feel good about you? 3. Your Attitude—An attitude is negative behavior or feelings. Do you have negative feelings? a. Why? 136

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b. Do you feel sorry for yourself? 4. Self Image—How can you change your selfimage so it matches the person you want to be? What will you do?

5. Self-Acceptance—state what you will do to appreciate your self more.

6. Negative Behavior—What can you do to get rid of self-defeating behaviors like procrastination, tardiness, or boredom?

7. What can you do to control the following feelings: jealousy, resentment, anger, envy. I feel jealous when I think about:

I feel resentment when I think about:

I feel angry when I think of:

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I feel envy when I think of:

8. Write other thoughts or feelings you have below....

Draw what you feel as well.

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SKILLS FOR SPEAKING Use I-messages when speaking. An “I-message” is a sentence that starts with the word “I” and expresses a feeling. Be aware and always state what you are feeling. The four basic feelings are: 1. Anger 2. Sadness 3. Happiness/Joy 4. Fear/afraid. Other useful feeling words are: I like it when… I want… I don’t like it when… I wish… I Desire… It Is the Rainy Season That Gives Wealth. —HAUSA

Factors That Promote Open Communication The do’s and don’ts of effective listening Do remember that every person has the right to any feeling in the world. Do know that people do not have to agree with you, or you with them for things to be OK Do put your feelings “on a back burner” (lay your feelings aside) while you are the listener. Don’t say or imply that the person “shouldn’t feel that way.” 139

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Don’t express your feelings of disagreement, when the other person is upset. Don’t interpret what you think the other person really feels. Don’t try to get the person to change their mind when they have voiced their concern or stated their position. Factors that Ensure Open Communication • Flexible attitude • Openness to change • Willingness to learn something new • Tolerance for ambiguity • Open mindedness.

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Chapter 7 Creating a Learning Environment to Improve Self-Esteem I teach a twelve-week self-esteem class for African American students, coping with identity issues, behavior management problems or low self-worth. In one class, I gave the students four shapes: square, circle, triangle, and a squiggly shape and asked them to identify themselves with a symbol. 90% of the class saw themselves as squiggly. They were told later what the personality characteristics of each represented. The squares are organizers who plan things in advance, (mathematicians, scientists), circles are concerned about relationships-things working well together (teachers), triangles likes order and structure (accountants), and squiggles are creative, intuitive (musicians, artists, orally expressive). Because of this mini survey, it was apparent to me that there was some cultural similarities. I wanted to 141

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be sure they accessed all areas of their brain, and utilized the seven kinds of intelligence that author, Thomas Armstrong mentions in his book, 7 Kinds Of Smarts. He states, there are many ways to show intelligence. The seven kinds of intelligence are: 1. Linguistic, the intelligence of words, this person can argue, persuade, or instruct through the spoken word. 2. Logical-Mathematical, the intelligence of numbers and logic, is the scientist, accountant, and computer programmer, 3. Spatial Intelligence involves thinking in pictures and images, the ability to perceive, transform and re-create different aspects of the visual spatial world ( architects, pilots, mechanical engineers). 4. Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence of the physical self, includes talent in controlling one’s body movements and handling objects skillfully (athletes, mechanics, surgeons). 5. Musical Intelligence is the capacity to perceive, appreciate, produce rhythms and melodies. 6. Interpersonal Intelligence is the ability to understand and work with other people (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., negotiators, teachers). 7. Intra personal is intelligence, of the inner self. A person strong in this kind of smart can easily access her own feelings, discriminate between many different kinds of inner 142

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emotional states and use her self-understanding to guide her life. Examples of these individuals are counselors, theologians, self-employed business persons. Mr. Armstrong develops each of these intelligence’s in his book, and gives excellent example of how to implement each. It would be wise for anyone who teaches African American children to be aware of the information in the book, 7 Kinds Of Smarts. There are certain personality traits of the conditions conductive to learning required to maximize the learning experience, an ethnic minority child are listed below: Personality Traits That Foster Learning: 1. Positive Attitude 2. Concentration 3. Being Focused (focusing of the eye span) 4. Erect Posture 5. Excitement for Learning 6. Desire To Be A Better Person 7. Drive To Know or Learn More 8. Have A Love Or Passion For Reading Which of the above principles do you have, or now use at school or home? Write your thoughts or feelings about this now. All children perceive the world in a different way, therefore they learn differently. Many are visual (sight) learners, others learn by auditory (hearing), while others learn or experience the world through kinesthetic (touch) sensation. Go through the statements below. Decide if the statement refers to someone who is a visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner. 143

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Write A, V, or K in the box in front of the statement. Then write the word “me” in the box at the end of each statement that applies to you. Tally your responses to find the dominant channel you use to learn or express yourself. Learning Styles Inventory A/V/K



me


I like to work in a group because I learn from the others in my group.

When the teacher says a number, I don’t understand it until I see it written.

Writing a spelling word down several times helps me remember it better.

I find it easier to remember what I have heard than what I have read.

I learn best when I study alone.

I like to listen to music, or television when I study.

If I have a choice between reading or listening, I usually listen.

I talk better than I write.

I use my hands a lot when I talk.

I can remember the pages of my homework without writing them down.

I can get more schoolwork done when I work with someone.

Written math problems are easier for me than oral.

If my homework were verbal, I would do it faster.
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I study best when no one is around to talk or listen to.

I do best in classes where the information has to be read.

I like to do things with my hands, like crafts or simple repairs.

The things I write on paper seem better than when I say them.

Written assignments are easier for me.

I understand a math problem that is written better than one I hear.

I like to work by myself.

I would rather read a story, than listen to it read by someone.

I would rather show and explain how a thing works than write about it.

Saying my multiplication tables over and over helps me remember them better than writing them over and over.

I learn better by listening than by reading.

I like to make things with my hands.

I do well on tests if they are about things I hear in class.

It is easier when I say the numbers of a problem to myself as I work it out.

I like to study with other people.

I like tests that call for sentence completion or written answers.

I would rather tell a story than write about it.
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To Tally Your Score Score one point for every statement you marked “me”. How many of those did you mark “A”? How many “V” and how many “K”? Your highest score is your dominant sensory channel, the lowest is your least dominant channel. Write your observations and thoughts below.

While there are many differences that distinguish one culture from other cultures and society at large, there are many similarities that unite all people. Some Cultural similarities all people of the human race feel are: Cultural Similarities Hurt Sadness Loneliness Pain Anger Fear Joy Love 146

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Can you think of other similarities? Write them below.

Valuing Our Differences Diversity is anything that divides us or distinguishes us from another ethnic culture or group of people. Our differences are to be understood and celebrated. Our culture can act as a bridge to bring us together as a member of the family of mankind. Cultural Differences— Communication LANGUAGE (DIALECT)

Way You Process (receive) Information 1. Auditory 2. Visual 3. Kinesthetic BODY LANGUAGE (POSTURE, MOVEMENT) List other languages you speak or write below.

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Ethnicity: American Indian/Alaskan Islander Asian/Pacific Islander Black/African American Filipino Hispanic White/Caucasian Other/Africans, Panamanian, Samoan Puerto Rican If your ethnic identity is not listed, please write it down. Are you happy with your ethnicity? If your answer is no, state why below.

Political Orientation Differences Money is seen as a means to an end, or as power. One is not worthwhile if they cannot provide for themselves. Values That Can Be Culturally Different are: Cleanliness, work, family size, leisure activities, time, play Music—Country Western, Rhythm and Blues Humor—(quick-witted, story telling) 148

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Ways to Communicate with Others from a Different Cultural Background A. Listen with the intent to hear B. Speak slowly C. Repeat statement to make sure you are heard D. Maintain eye contact without staring E. Accept the differences F. Practice patience G. Expect to learn something new Reverend David Spears states, that “Our differences are to be accepted and celebrated”. Write down any differences you have come to accept rather than fear.

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Chapter 8 How to Develop Self-Esteem in a Child Pride in independent thinking is the goal. Young people tend to have a strong conviction about their independence The following are positive attributes I have noticed in young people.. When parents see them they may think they are being challenged: 1. Perseverance — never giving up on what they set out to do, sticking to their purpose. 2. Determination — fixed purpose, and firmness in carrying out their purpose. 3. Ability to endure in spite of obstacles, discomfort, or pain. 4. Mental and physical ability to cope with adversity. 5. They were survivors, survive and achieve against great odds. 6. Have a goal at an early age, before the age of six. 151

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7. Being proud of their race, and achieving as their ancestors have done in the past. 8. Showing the world their race is well rounded as a group of people. 9. Not letting their race down by failing or giving poor effort. 10. Showing the world that their race is capable of achieving, and accomplishing great things. 11. Tremendous self-determination. 12. Not letting anyone decide: who they are, who, or what they may become. Things that block good feelings about yourself and others: Anger Jealousy Resentment/Envy Revenge Fear/anxiety Sometimes teenagers experience all of the above emotions as they move from childhood to adulthood. In their quest to establish their independence from their families and still feel loved, they get involved in sexual relationships, instead of sensual relationships. What an adolescent wants to experience is their sensuality, or capacity to feel loving. They feel the need to separate from their parents; however, at the same time they still want to be loved. What often happens is that they confuse sensuality with sexuality; and become a parent while they are themselves still a child. There are many ways to get love from the opposite sex with152

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out ever having sexual intercourse. Often, adolescent youths create problems for themselves by dating too early or by taking male/female dating relationships too seriously. They fall in love with a false concept of what they think is love. Often they get too involved emotionally and sexually. Sexual intercourse is an adult activity that brings with it a commitment to be responsible for the outcome of one’s behavior. This responsibility is the willingness of both the boy and girl to take care of the child that may be born from them having sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse is an adult activity God designed for us to reproduce mankind. If you engage in sexual intercourse, you must be prepared to provide for the child that may be the result of your fooling around or having fun. Sex is not a play activity. It is not a recreational sport. If you choose to have sexual intercourse, you need to be man or woman enough to take care of your responsibility. Intimacy is possible in a relationship without you ever having sexual intercourse. You can enjoy the company of the opposite sex without having sexual intercourse. There are many ways young people can say “I love you,” or show their feeling for the opposite sex without having sexual intercourse. Here are 48 ways to show love. 48 WAYS TO SHOW LOVE 1. Tell the other person you like them 2. Give the other a hug 3. Help the other person feel important 4. Let the other person know you care 153

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5. Do fun things together 6. Be together and do nothing 7. Make a list of things you like about the other 8. Be there as a friend 9. Share your inner feelings 10. Share a picnic lunch 11. Carry one anothers books from school 12. Go to the library 13. Talk to each other 14. Trust one another 15. Talk on the telephone 16. Listens to hurts 17. Respect each other 18. Do nice things for the other without being asked 19. Listen to music together 20. Sing to the other 21. Give the other a flower 22. Make a treat for the other 23. Make a hand made card for him/her 24. Go to a movie 25. Find out what makes the other happy 26. Play with a pet animal together 27. Be best friends 28. Write a poem for each other 29. Take a walk together 30. Sing together 31. Go to Church together 32. Do homework together 33. Share an ice cream together 34. Flirt with each other 35. Laugh at something funny together 154

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36. Write each other letters 37. Walk from school together 38. Look at the sky together 39. Meet his/her family 40. Give the other a special smile 41. Go bike riding 42. Put on a party together 43. Walk in the rain sharing an umbrella 44. Walk together holding hands 45. Read the Bible together 46. Pray for each other 47. Write nice notes to each other 48. Give each other special names You will be able to raise self-esteem in yourself, and those around you through positive self-empowerment. To help a youth behave and respond in an empowered way, have them, say the words they use when interacting with others. Then, see if they are positive or negative? This will help them monitor their inner self talk and outer behavior. The goal is to help empower yourself. We must avoid the use of words, or tasks that belittle or rob us of energy, drive, and vitality. When you learn how to state and set a goal for yourself for six months it enhances your feelings of self-worth. Teach children how to monitor your inner-self talk, if you want to change or modify your behavior, write your thoughts on a sheet of paper, or make a mental note. In time you should notice a difference. Do you see yourself differently? Do you see others differently? People mirror back to us what we say, do, and who we are. 155

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Our good feelings (fire within us) manifest as:
Drive to Excel

Energy/Vitality

Goal

Aliveness Light

= Joy, Happiness, Enthusiasm
Love Through our desires and goals we are motivated to change: 1. Identify or describe what motivates you to face each day?

2. Do you have a desire to better your circumstances or life?

3. What can you do to feel good about yourself? A. B. 4. Do you love to please or satisfy your friends, have you made a god of another human like yourself?

5. List things you can do to like yourself, or enjoy life more: 156

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A. B. C. IF I RULED THE WORLD Let’s Dream If you could have anything you wanted, live anyplace you wanted, be anything/one you wanted, what would you ask for? Answer The Questions Below: 1. What famous person/s you would like to be and why?

2. In which period of time, past or future, would you choose to live, and why?

3. What foreign country would you most like to visit and why?

4. What skill/talent would you like to possess, and why?

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5. What place/s in the United States would you like to visit? Why?

6. In which sport would you like to be a star, and why?

7. What kind of car would you like to own, and why?

8. For what would you like to become famous, and why?

9. Where would you most like to live, and why?

10. What would you do with a million dollars?

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11. What one change would you make if you were to become President of the United States?

12. What would you like to accomplish in your lifetime?

MERGING THE PAINFUL PAST OF ADOLESCENCE WITH THE GLORIOUS FUTURE OF ADULTHOOD In Florida and Alabama where I experienced childhood, we lived in a village setting. Everyone knew that it took a whole village to raise a child. Each person was either our mother or our father. And everyone told me what to do, told me what was right, and what was wrong. Any adult could tell me what to do; I listened and obeyed. I respected adults because (in my mother’s words, “they cared enough about my welfare to speak to me when they thought I was doing something wrong,” and she appreciated it. If I “disrespected” any adult by talking back to them (sassing them), I heard about it from my six feet tall grandmother, (who always reminded us, she was a Watusi African and not to be messed with) and my mom. And if the disrespect was considered serious, I was talked to about, the incident, “chastised.” I can say today that every chastise159

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ment I received, did me some good. It did not damage my character, my body or my soul. I feel I am a better person because of the chastisement. I was always fighting with my male cousin. He wanted to tell me what to do so I got mad and started fighting. I was headstrong and stubborn. It was wrong for me to physically fight my cousin. Every chastisement I received as a child has added to my character, to make me the sensitive, caring person, I am today. I am not just concerned about my welfare, but about the welfare of others. I grew up in an African village in Pensacola, Florida. My grandmother always said that “it took a whole village to raise a child.” I did not understand what she meant then, but I understand the concept today. This is why I continually act as if I am the mother of all young people. When I see them doing something wrong, I speak to them about it. I have never been cursed at by any child, or any parent for disciplining their child. I believe that they are as grateful as my mom was, when we were disciplined in her absence. Everyone treated us as their children for they saw themselves as the mother of us all. I have two surrogate mothers that I dedicate this poem to, Cousin Betty and Cousin Ella B. The Mother of Them All You care about children, whoever they are, wherever they are. They are your family members. 160

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They are your extended family. They are the children you see. They are the people you pass on the streets. They are the people you meet in the grocery store. You give them love through your eyes, your smile, and your words. You could be called a people person, for you truly love people. You give hope to the faint of heart. And encouragement to the bold and brave. You see the potential in their hearts and you nourish that little flicker. They sometimes call you a busy body; and say you put your nose into others business. But one fact no one can deny, is that you care deeply for them all. Because you see yourself, as the mother of them all. —IDA GREENE

Changing Your World Make some notes about each of the following questions and be ready to discuss your responses with your parents or teacher. 1. If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?

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2. How would this change your world; what would it be like then?

Your self-esteem is endless, it will need to be modified and corrected as you change. It is the vehicle that will take you through life. Like a car, it will need continuous maintenance. Ask yourself if your self-esteem is a Volkswagen or a Mercedes Benz? Become excited about the unique, creative, genius inside you waiting to burst forth. Anyone who wants to improve self-esteem in a child, needs to unconditionally accept and love them as they are, and be patient as they learn to trust you. Sometimes the process is slow, but it is worth it and they are worth it. Pledge Of Allegiance For High Self-Esteem I Know Who I Am, I Am A Child Of GOD. My Race Is Beautiful And, My Skin Color Is Beautiful. God Has Placed No Limitations, On My Potential And Neither Do I. —IDA GREENE

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BIBLIOGRAPHY

Bibliography Armstrong, Thomas. 7 Kinds Of Smart. Penguin Books USA Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA Ebony Magazine, January 1992. Johnson Publishing Company, Inc., 820 South Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60605 Ida Greene, Ph.D. How to Improve Self-Esteem In the African American Child, PSI Publishers, 2910 Baily Avenue, San Diego, CA, 92105

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I NDEX

A Anger, 91, 94, 124, 137, 139, 146, 152 Assimilate, 95

C Commitment, 78 Confusion, 94 Criticism, 81, 95

F Fear, 16, 94

I Impatience, 95 Integrity, 78 Intimidation, 94 Intolerance, 95

L Listening Skills, 94 Low/No Self-Respect, 94

P Positive Attitude, 79

R Rejection, vii, 62, 94, 96 Respect, vii Ridicule, vii, 16, 53, 68, 94, 115

S Self-appreciation, 17, 78, 90, 95 Self-confidence, 5, 9, 12, 13, 16, 39, 53, 70, 79, 82, 112, 132 Self-image, 4, 6, 9, 10, 17, 38, 52, 83, 90, 101, 122, 123, 130 Self-worth, 5, 9, 11, 12, 17, 39, 64, 78, 141, 155 Shame, 16, 53, 68, 94 165

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Something for nothing, 95

T Truth, 3, 40, 78, 80, 124

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