How to Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single Women Make [Paperback ed.] 0736913912, 9780736913911

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mich

SASSY, SINGLE, AND SAT K

IFD

Digitized by the Internet Archive in

2010

http://www.archive.org/details/10mistakessingle00mcki

michelle

mckinney

hammond

Single

Women Make

4 HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS EUGENE.

OREGON

Unless othci^isc indicated

all

verses are taken

VERSION'. NIV. C:opyright©1973.

from the HOl.Y BIBLE,

NEW INTERNATIONAL

1978, 1984 by the International Bible Socicry. Used by per-

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marked nkjv

are taken

New

from the

©1982

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with the literary agency of Alive Communications,

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in association

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Cover by Koechel Peterson

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& Associates

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HOW TO AVOID THE 10 MISTAKES SINGLE WOMEN MAKE Copyright

© 2006 by Michelle McKinney Hammond

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

McKinney Hammond,

How to p.

Michelle, 1957-

avoid the 10 mistakes single

women make

/

Michelle

McKinney Hammond

cm.

ISBN-13: 978-0-7369-1391-1 (pbk.) ISBN-10: 0-7369-1391-2 1.

Single

women

—

Religious

life. 2.

Christian

women

—

Religious

life.

I.

Title.

BV4596.S5M3445 2006 248.8'432—dc22

2006007137

All rights reserved.

No

part of this publication

transmitted in any form or by any means

—

or any other

may

be reproduced, stored in a

retrieval system, or

—

electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording,

except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the

publisher.

Printed in the United States of America

06 07 08 09 10

1 1

12 13 14

/

VP /

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

1

IS IS to all

my. sisters

day. oj spring, inrougn

who

struggle

clock ikai

and witk every

grows louder on

keart. (f/Lave kope

cJn

tke

best,

ike

)rince your prince

meantime occupy

and know

ike jirst

many, a lonely nigni while

vkispering prayers in tne dark, Dj ike

on

tkat

tick

mantel oj your will wiLL

well, look

you are not

come.

you

alone.

Acknowledgments To

me

my

Harvest House family,

who

continually encourage and inspire

to greater heights.

To better,

all

those

who

support, counsel, pray, and challenge

me

to

do

thank you.

But most of all to those whose needs cause me to seek God for even more answers on your behalf It is my constant privilege to serve you.

Cf)n{m{s

i/t unic[ue top ten

lisl

7

How to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single Women Make

Number One Cy lacing marriage on a peaesial next lo

c^od 9

Number Two ^ULsing singleness as an excuse gelling

on wiln

lo

not

Ine increaiole business

oj Living

23

Number Three (Omoracing

ike

L^indereUa

and wailing for ike perfect prince lo come rescue y.ou (2)y.ndrome

41

Number Four ^f

Hissing ike significance of ike present

moment 57

Number

Five

cJjeing snortsigklea aooul

lije

73

Number Six cTaUing down on ike ]oo

oj lije

87

Number Seven cJjeing compleieiy. seij-involvea 101

Number

Eight

^r teglechng ike vnosi

person in y.our

Life

imporiani

nexi io

^oa

—

y.ou

115

Number Nine Qjubjecitng y.our keari

io joolisk

ckoices 131

Number Ten giving up ana caving 189

in

/f uncM {dp Hmm... let's York Times.

this or that.

Anybody who

Most of these

taining. But,

Perhaps

anybody has

is

Usts are cute, funny,

though they clue us

it's

time

we make

in

a

on the

few

really

want

forward and reach our personal goals, stuff,

the issues, the habits,

and hinder our It's

and quite

enter-

of mind of the

do with our personal of our own.

It's

called

are at present in

to be. In order to

move

we must acknowledge

the

and the mind-sets that keep us stuck

progress.

safe to say that

most

singles

they are at a loss to figure out what

ment toward

lists

Billboard. The

a top ten hst for

state

Where we

taking stock. Locating ourselves.

comparison to where we

MTV.

Today.

general masses, they really have nothing to lives.

u.

see...

David Letterman has them. USA

New

{m

the

altar.

As

I

want

to be married,

and yet

may be stalling their advance-

have traveled around the country,

speaking and corresponding with singles from around the world, certain patterns have

tion

emerged and

and behavior have made

top ten

list

common

threads of conversa-

me pause for the cause and devise a

of my own. Ten mistakes singles make in their pursuit

of love, romance, and personal fulfillment. I

hope you

will

be brave enough to be honest with yourself,

examine your baggage, and get

rid

of what

is

not working for 7

How

8

you. That stances.

is,

is

you

it

Of course,

walk through there

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

to

are serious

it all

Women Make

about changing your circum-

begins with renewing the mind, so

this together.

Know

this:

You

never any shame in making a mistake.

you don't

learn

from your faux

and rounding the bend enjoy the scenery

much more and

remember

wheel and

your

is

go, so check the

So

It's

car.

map and

that

You

only a shame

if

of life where you

finally arrive at

you

let's

and

here's to living, learning,

to a place in the journey

destination. Just this

pas.

are not alone,

your desired

are the driver

get to decide

behind the

where you want

adjust your route accordingly.

As always with

love,

'Mft

to

Mistake

Number One

Jhs^{ minhuj

Once upon

a time a

young man longed

things that

bound him. FeeUngs of

helplessness

overwhelmed him. But

be a conqueror, to defy the odds, to literally free,

him from

dii{ &iid...

to be free

from the

inferiority, isolation,

God had rise

and

chosen him to

above mediocrity and

not just himself from the oppression that hindered

living the life he

wanted

to live, but also the lives of

countless others around him.

But how would he do

this? First,

he had to get past what he

had always believed about himself. His description of himself did not match God's description.

of valor.

He saw

someone not not

grant

him

called

himself as insignificant, the

to be taken note of.

realize his

God

own power

or the

his heart's desire.

him

a

least

mighty

man

among men,

He was amazed to find he did power of the God he served to

Neither had he considered the fact

God was with him and actually interested affairs. That God wanted him to live a victorious that

in his state

of

life.

These were truths he had to embrace in order to be empowered to take the next step toward living the bold and victorious

own perceptions about himself and embrace the true reality of who he was in the eyes of the One who had created him and knew him best. life

he was longing to

live.

He had

to cast

down

his

11

How

12

He had

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

acknowledge

to

all

Women Make

of his weaknesses, strengths, and even

those things he was just beginning to discover about himself. It is

only

when we

vision of our destiny

come

locate ourselves that

we

are able to get a

When we

and what we can accomplish.

to the full realization of our inherent gifts

and the things

in

our nature that are conducive to God's design for our

we

can see the road

map and make sense of the directions God is Of course, there are seasons when we are called to walk

giving us.

by

faith,

But

taking one step at a time into what seems to be the dark.

in those times

we are held safe

the way. So remember,

you

lives,

are being held.

in the center

when you

can't see

And when you

of God's palm

your way,

it's

all

because

can see the path before you,

keep moving forward, being sensitive to His voice every step of the way.

How

often have

you

said to yourself,

"Something told

me..." and then ignored the instructions because you thought it

was

that

is

you second-guessing

just

yourself? That

Somec?2^ whispering, "This

30:21). As

we

is

is

not something;

the way, walk in

learn to trust that voice

.

it.

"

.

and follow His

(Isaiah

instruc-

we find ourselves on the path of wholeness and living the life we desire with less drama and trauma than when we plot our tions,

course ourselves.

Know thing.

that getting your

We can

dream

will always cost

much

only hold on to so

you someour

collectively in

lives.

Often, something has to go in order to be replaced by something better. This

is

why

the Bible

masters at the same time.

tells

We

(Matthew 6:24; Luke 16:13).

will love If

you

there are things about the single

life

Life can

centered.

no longer be

we cannot

us that

two

one and hate the other

truly

you

as self-centered;

serve

it

want

will

to be married,

have to

sacrifice.

must become

others-

The focus you once had on yourself must now be

shifted to invest in the

life

or lives of someone

else.

When we are

— Number One

Mistake

God or someone

seeking to establish a covenant with

we must be wilhng relationship

13

to sacrifice anything that

from moving forward toward a

in

our

life,

would hinder

the

commitment

rich

in

which both people experience the blessing of pouring themselves into

one another's

Back

lives.

our young man. After getting a clear understanding

to

of who he

really was,

was time

it

make

to

build an altar to God, establishing a covenant with as affirming that

He who

was

it

gave

him peace

After this he had to get rid of some idols.

distracting his focus

could

list.

from the main point that

—

strength,

over

all

were robbing him of the

They had become

larger than

life.

They were

in spite of what

he

wisdom, support, and courage

God who was Lord

Idols

midst of

They were hindering

his ability to see the endless possibilities for his

he served a

in the

and without.

his turmoil within

thought he lacked

He had to Him as well

a sacrifice.

God

in his

the impossibilities he life

he wanted to

live.

mind, obstructing

his

view of a better tomorrow. After tearing tions

from

come

true.

God

down

the idols, he was able to receive instruc-

that directed

Gideon then

him on how

led his people to

to

make

his

dream

freedom from

their

oppressors through highly unconventional means. Along the

way

his faith

was

tested as

God

challenged

everything he assumed would get

him

him

to let

go of

the victory he wanted.

(Read Gideon's story in Judges 6-8.) Perhaps you too

feel insignificant

and

isolated in

for victory in the arena of love. Feeling oppressed life

your longing

by the way that

has always been, you've grown accustomed to being disap-

pointed. Friends reenforce what

new hope. Weary from "just that way."

you already

feel

and

ofi^er

the struggle, you've decided that

no

life is

That some lucky ones escape from the single zoo

How

14

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Women Make

-.,-..-«.,.

while you remain behind bars, peering through your longings for

own.

a love to call your

Perhaps you too have accepted a different view of yourself

God has of you. While you are answering to the name "Undesirable," He is calling you "Beloved." Could it be that

than what

you need the

make

to

One who

a sacrifice of your old ideals

loves

you most and discover the peace He

though nothing has changed idols

yet?

But perhaps you have a few

own to shatter and displace from the lofty mantel visions of how life should be and what it will take

make you happy. Perhaps bound ment.

in patterns

God

is

to

brings,

of your

your heart,

a

and reach out

in

to

old habits and mind-sets have kept you

of behavior that invite defeat and disillusion-

you

calling

to think outside

new way of thinking and

living.

of the box. To embrace

To eliminate the

things

and

people that hold you back from getting the victory you want in every area of your

Change want

new

How

to

is

life,

including love.

never comfortable at

first,

but

it is

necessary

change the outcome you've been getting.

muscles. far will

you want

it?

want, there

is

To

stretch, to grow, to

you go If

you

work

to get

what you

are truly serious to be done.

It's

if you

timxC to use

even dare to experiment. really

want?

How

bad do

about getting the love you

istake

et's

see yourself?

How would you describe yourself to someone else?

o. What mind-sets have you adopted about why you the love

What

are

results?

don't have

you want?

Cc^ What insights

Ol.

15

begin with a personal assessment:

Ou How do you

Cs--^

Number One

have others given you? Are they valid?

you willing

to

change

in order to obtain different

me mfs

Sdik{idH: 7^^^ ddw^H

Oops!

The word "oops"

suggests something sHpping out of one's

grasp or one's control, or unexpectedly giving

way and

spilling,

bruising, or breaking an object or a part of one's anatomy.

an exclamation of surprise a

It's

word

that

—

part involuntary, part apologetic.

as natural as breathing.

is

It's

uttered without a

It's

One

thought, an unconscious reaction to the occurrence.

not deliberately allow something to

fall,

does

to shatter, or to be

wasted. No, these incidences are usually followed by regret and

an assessment

if repairs

can be

made

or

if

there

need

a

is

for a

replacement.

That works for objects, not for

many

Yet

life.

themselves somewhere along the journey of

dismay

at their shattered expectations,

self-esteem,

and the fractured view of

a

voicing their

life

broken

singles find

heart,

wounded

half lived as they

life

wait for their "other half" to arrive and carry them to the land of wholeness, where the

first I

of a conversation

after eating the fruit

and

perfect.

Ha! This

is

God had

from the

tree

with

Adam when

of the knowledge of

Adam explained that he hid because he was naked, which God replied, "Who told you that you were naked?"

good and

16

things are beautiful

mistake.

am reminded

he hid

to

all

evil.

,.

.*

Mistake

(Genesis 3:1

Good

1).

question.

and unashamed, unaware hves until

someone

Number One

else

Adam and

Eve had Been naked

was missing from

that anything

their

introduced a different way of looking

at

of a sudden the very thing they had been

their circumstances. All

able to freely celebrate

17

became an

clouded the beauty

issue that

of their pleasurable experience in the garden

as

something that

was shameful.

How many get ruined by

times does a perfectly pleasant family gathering

all

meaning family member or you

yet?" "Perhaps

some concerned,

too familiar words from

why

friend? "So

aren't

well-

you married

sudden you find

are too picky," All of a

yourself questioning your marketability as a "good catch."

begin to wonder.

What

Eve, begin to feel naked.

wrong with me? You,

is

Ashamed, vulnerable, and

equipped for the journey of life because

made is

to feel like part of a

not true.

When

like

all

You

Adam and

insufficiently

of a sudden you are

motley minority. Which by the way

you consider the

rising

number of

singles

between never married, divorced and widowed people, you're not so weird after

Of course,

if

all!

you don't know

this,

the deeper

into the depths of uncertainty about the

and your presence not only

your

love,

who

should appreciate

on the

planet!

that says

will drift

worth of your

in the

life

heart,

of someone

immensely, but your very existence

it

Something

you

else kicks in.

you need someone

It's

in order for

the internal pressure

you

to have

any sense

of validation or affirmation that you are indeed not naked. That

you are loveable. Desirable. entity in the earth realm,

stamp you

ftilly

we would have

All that

and

a

bag of chips.

you must have someone

in

A worthy

your

life

to

dressed. Perhaps if we are honest with ourselves, to

admit that

at times the

shame of being

ranger escalates our desire for a mate above the

more

a lone

qualitative

How

18

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

to

Women Make

.,^„^

,

reasons tor wanting one, such as wanting to be a blessing to

someone, a

what I'm

partner, a coconspirator... come on,

life

talkin'

you know

wrong

about! There are right reasons and

for desiring marriage. This brings to light the fact that

have a sense of your

own

else to recognize

the horse

if you

First,

tion If

Him. This

person

who

you

you

self-worth!

It

ask?

never allow another person to be your affirma-

He

a job

is

something

could add

has reserved for Himself.

He

would be no need

not stand

will

Second, the

for.

that you're looking for to your

all

someone who can add something

also looking for

who

need for validation

will

a pretty picture,

life is

to his

life.

has nothing to bring to the party but her

not be an attractive package. Therefore,

your only choice would be someone

Not

to lend

able to complete you, there

is

Another person

someone

Why not,

and completion. This

someone was

for

Talk about putting the cart before

it.

are expecting

God will

you must

personal value before you can expect

someone

simply won't happen.

reasons

and

who

is

certainly not the

needy

as

as

yourself

makings of a healthy

relationship.

Now, and

let's

see

what

less desirable

Everyone people

is

live

else

could be making you

lie

happily ever after in Technicolor

that the

norm

yet, generally speaking,

and media

Love always triumphs and

in love in the movies.

to find real role

in society

most

—

or should

believing, then

is

is

will

bliss.

Between peer pressure for the

wrong

find themselves with greater

problems than the average single on any given day. Could that buying the

lie

that marriage

buy

world struggle

most people end up marrying

wrong people and

we

say

I

an oo-some twosome, and

singles in the real

models of marital

pressure,

reasons to the

lovable

than the average bear. The media doesn't help.

high-definition glory? If seeing into the

feel less

is

the

end

all,

be

all

it

be

and the

..%-«

.,.**«,.i,A*-vi.:

Mistake

,.,.,

Number One

19

completion of all things worth mentioning has caused us to erect false idols that

keep us

in

bondage

and unhap-

to unfulfillment

piness?

how

This being the case, a healthier sibilities

you

and more balanced way of viewing the

that

life

God

are tussling with

through your

over the idol of marriage,

Somewhere along

come

fingers,

the

end of yourself. Where

life

you had envisioned

all

it's

bound

the idol will

It's

coming

called

to

must be put

to rest before

God

has for you in

embrace the

to

status? If

your preconceived notions of the

for yourself

you can open your arms

to

crashing to the ground, and

shatter into a million unretrievable pieces.

the

way

life

infinite pos-

no matter what her romantic

holds,

to have a jolting end. slip

does one realign her thought

life

the present, as well as anticipate amazing surprises that will bring indescribable joy to you in the future.

Go

ahead and take a deep breath.

your hands and repeat

Open your

heart as well as

me: "Life does not consist of those

after

who make me

feel that

add

to the

of others. At the end of the day, the things that

will

make you

life

count.

I

It

consists of how

much

value

I

"

feel

the richest are the lives of those

you

affect for

the good. Your worth through God's eyes has already been deter-

mined. In His mind you are that can

match your worth;

priceless.

price that

is

nothing on earth

therefore, the price for

paid by heavenly means. Jesus enter the earth through the

There

literally

womb

would be acceptable

to

of a

God

had

you had

to leave

woman

be

heaven and

in order to

redeem you.

to

to

pay a

Now you

have the awesome responsibility of redeeming your worth here

on earth by

glorifying

God whether you

are married or not.

Your worth will never be measured by rather by

whom you

affect

and how you

whom you

attract,

affect them.

but

Whether

someone chooses you or not does not determine your worth.

If

2Q.i-

How

•

you go

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

to

and decide you don't want

to the store

thing because the price

is

good, she will point you

is

on how The

of things that

in the direction

fare for

really

is

fit

your

someone who

is

Your value can never be estimated based

others feel about you. goal of

destroyed.

on the

pay for some-

acceptable. If the clerk

budget and leave the more expensive willing to pay the price!

to

too high, the sales clerk does not lower

what you think

the price to

Women Make

must change

life

in order for the idol to be

No longer should your self-worth hang in the balance You were

technicality of the interest of others.

purpose to be a life-changing instrument to

created

on

all

you encounter.

The atmosphere should change when you walk

into the room.

You should be and the is

truly

life

that

what

walking conduit of light and

a

comes from walking consists of.

life

"Man

in

shall

life.

God's light

His Word, because that not

live

by bread alone,

but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Mat-

thew 4:4 NKJV).

Our

lives are

(Romans

transformed by the renewing of our minds

12:2), therefore a

new mind-set needs

adopted in

to be

order to keep the voices of the idols from drowning out the truth

of God's

Word

for

our

lives.

The promises of God

are

where

our assurance, validation, and fulfillment must come from. His promises. His view of you as a valuable addition to the citizenry

of the world

who

is vital,

alive,

place where being single can

and

work

full

of purpose. This

for you.

It is

only your

tude that will work against you, so choose to master

What wholeness

should you as a single

First, settle

natural,

that will set

the

atti-

it.

you on the path of

person?

the issue that

God-given

you having a

know

is

desire.

it is

Note

fine to desire a mate. This

that there

is

a difference

desire dJidyour desire havingyou.

is

a

between

God created you to

Number One

Mistake

be in control

— not

This was the

ural.

when

21

just in the spiritual realm,

assignment for the

first

man and

God

woman

expected them to exercise control in order

He

to maintain the pleasure

instituted.

He handed

us to be master of our flesh, our emotions,

subdue anything that might

We,

therefore, have

flesh

and anything

away from pleasure

try to overtake or

To

overwhelm

us.

distract us

God intended us to live. One filled with

life

fulfillment.

know

there

fulfillment. Marriage, riches,

spot that only tracted

desires.

and our

might rob us of our focus or

that

living the

and

the reins to

been empowered to have dominion over our

Second, you should

God

can

by counterfeit

Third, there

is

fill.

is

no formula

fame

for happiness

—nothing can

fill

the

Don't believe the hype or get

dis-

joy.

a time

and purpose

heaven, and seasons do change. it

the

they were placed in the Garden of Eden. "Eden" means

"pleasure," yet

and

but also in the nat-

will ultimately affect

Make

for every season

under

the most of your present;

your future.

Fourth, your marriage will only be as successful as your single life.

Nurture wholeness where you

the party, the greater a celebration

you. All this and

more

as

are. it

The more you bring

will

we walk through

be

when

this

to

others join

thing together.

How

22

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Women Make

^C:^tt\ng Real

c

c

.

What

are three things

you

can't

Hve without?

o

Are you hving without these things

C(L'

How does their absence affect the quahty of your hfe?

O-What

at present?

can you do to flourish in spite of what you presently

lack?

lose

wno

cling to worinless idols

jorjeil ike grace ikai could he Ineirs JONAH, after

some

very uncomfortable days

spent

in tfie

belly of

a

fish.

Mistake

Number Two

— .

Jh^-f mink/Hj

He

lay there paralyzed, not

Then

for a miracle.

moving, but praying and hoping

a stranger

was standing

asking a question that seemed to be obvious:

be whole?"

He knew grown

It

was

a

dii{ fduA..

in front

of him,

"Do you want

to

good question. One he had not considered.

he no longer wanted to be where he was, but he had

certain that things

would never change. His

friends

and

acquaintances seconded the motion, which was not surprising, since they were

no

better off than he was. After

company. They couldn't

moving forward

see

in their

all,

misery loves

beyond where they were, had trouble

own

lives,

or were simply stuck as well.

Stuck on stupid, stuck on past pain, stuck on wrong attitudes there were a plethora of reasons for why, but the

the

same

had

settled

for

them

all

on excuses

across the board.

that excused

of living and overcoming.

It

bottom

They were

them from the

was someone

line

stuck.

was

They

responsibility

else's fault

that they

were broken, fractured, empty. .not whole. .

She had grown used to against every principle

life

the

way

it

was, though

it

went

and value she possessed. She went along 25

How

26

to

Women Make

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

with the status quo, remaining

silent

when

she probably should

have spoken up, feeling outnumbered. She was the one trying to live right.

Do the right thing.

Live a godly

life

amid

a society that

allowed their flesh and desires to dominate their discipline. She

was embarrassed by the conversations she overheard of things

done she

in secret that

knew it was

was crazy

should have remained there.

against her better judgment, she

for trying to

she thought. Everyone get

away with

fringes looking

it.

in,

wondered

maintain a standard of purity. else is

if she

Why bother?

doing what they please and seeming to

They are enjoying

Every day she

life,

and I am standing on

the

missing out on all the fun. felt

the pull of temptation

and more. She had been swept away by finding herself held captive by that titillated the senses. She

for her soul. Slowly,

compromise began

flesh

more

intoxicating blend of things

had been rescued and restored back

once more. Ihough she knew

She was torn between two

its

on her

their lifestyle before

way of the world

to safety, only to find the

She could

And even though

better,

it

slowly

was hard

lovers, the spirit

wooing her

to resist

and the

flesh,

its

pull.

warring

and without any discernable movement,

to sneak into her conversation

feel herself teetering

and outlook.

on the brink of temptations too

shamefiil to mention. But before she

fell

into the deep

end of

the pool of her desires, two visitors arrived, snatching her back to

sharp awareness that to continue in this state would be dangerous.

She and her family needed

to leave.

To

separate themselves from

an atmosphere that was most definitely penetrating door,

coming

to roost in the center of their

was the best thing

to do, but perhaps she

their front

home. She knew

it

had lingered too long,

listening to their conversation, coveting their "freedom."

—

her feet led her one way, her heart was divided

Though

fascinated with

.

Mistake

Number Two

27

the decadence she intellectually abhorred but secretly yearned to experience.

In midflight she looked back to catch one last glimpse of

what could have been

And

go.

that

is

when

her past mistakes.

Coveting the

if

the things she thought she

of those

who

if.

.

had missed.

did as they pleased, not com-

prehending the safety of the boundaries that her.

herself

let

she got stuck. Stuck on the past. Stuck on

On

lifestyle

she had only been able to

God had

set for

What

She couldn't go back and she couldn't move forward.

.what

if.

What

if

.what

.

you

if.

.

didn't

blame anyone

else for

where you

are

and

own life? How powerful would that be? move beyond your past mistakes and experi-

took ownership of your

What ences?

if

you could

What

if

you

didn't allow

by the blindness of others? is

your standards to be clouded

you did not covet

If

that

deceptively attractive but destructive to the heart

which

and

soul?

Unfortunately she, being Lot's wife found in Genesis 19, did not

have the advantage of having a conversation with Jesus paralyzed

Could

man found it

in

John

like the

5.

be that you too suffer from paralysis? Being limited

and devoid of ambition has become a way of life

The enemy of your

soul, along

the motion that this

anything better or

One thing is

sure

is

as

good

different.

—both of

—your normal.

with your friends, has seconded as

it gets.

Don't you dare hope for

Remember misery these people suffered

loves

company.

from the

influ-

ence of their environment. Society can play tricks that cause self

you

to

war against your-

and your

better judgment. Friends can be placating because

own

weaknesses, preferring that you not magnify their

of their failures

same

by overcoming

—you

in contrast. Inevitably the results are the

find yourself stuck.

Longing

for

something different

How

28

to

by the

yet seduced

are because the

though

be,

familiar,

we

unknown on

all

Women Make

tempted

It's

mmw,

where we

to stay

the other side of where

to strike out against

Do

are

can also be scary.

attractive,

you decide pattern.

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

we want

to

walk when

a lonely

odds. Dare to break your

all

something different or unusual. Sometimes you

have to talk to yourself if you're the only person listening.

Swimming upstream

who

rough, yet Jesus, the friend

is

sticks

closer than a brother, did not have time to attend a pity party

with

this

man who had been

same spot

lying in the

waiting for something different to happen.

simple

Which

the

Without

a

5:8).

did.

command. "Get

own

his

man, I'm sure

and

A decision

will,

to his

up.

own

more than

room

always be

feet. All it

you

up with the direction you want

tures

come

one

and

house divided against

a

are

There

maldng the

move

in.

one out:

kingdom" (Luke

itself will fall"

9:62).

commitment

"If any of you lacks

gives generously to

given to [her]

.

will

right

Several Scrip-

if it is

itself will

(Luke

all

But when

Or

[she]

without finding

[she] asks, [she]

1:17).

"No

fit

is

be

for

marriage or anything

in order to

wisdom,

1

imploding?

puts his hand to the plow and looks back

that requires a full-on

who

to

could anything continue to stand

who

what you want out of

mind. 'Any kingdom divided against

to

service in the

this

she were

if

can occur until every part of your will

lines

How

took was a

to the decision.

for questioning if

No movement

ruined,

Of

different.

a decision to get

You must now be committed

move.

promptly

in the right direction, she allowed her heart to betray

her. It takes life.

a very

assistance.

In contrast, even though Lot's wife looked as

moving

him

surprise,

Without

he was on his

do something

to

gave

years,

up your mat and walk" (John

hand out or an arm

volition

decision.

up! Pick

He

38

for

work.

check

should ask God,

fault,

must

Or

and

it

believe

will

be

and not

Mistake

doubt, because [she]

who

Number Two

doubts

is

like a

29

wave of the

sea,

blown

and tossed by the wind. That [woman] should not think will receive

anything from the Lord;

[woman], unstable

God wants you

to

in

all

[she]

[she]

is

a

double-minded

does" (James 1:5-8).

having you switch your desire

in

midstream?

God

reduced to an errand boy for an indecisive master. waits.

He

desire,

but also to line up that desire with where

waits for

in order for

Wow! Even

make up your mind.

Can you imagine Him answering one of your

you

[she]

you

you not only

to

has prepared for you.

walk into

What

are

to

become

clear

prayers will

And

and

not be so

He

about your

He wants to take the fullness of the blessings He

you waiting

for?

How

30

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Women Make

_i^et's take stock of where you are:

c:

What dreams

c

What

have not been realized in your hfe?

mind-sets keep you trapped in your present

way of

hving?

o What

things in your environment keep

way out of your

Ct>.

you from seeing

What do you think you need

in order to experience personal

breakthrough?

o What can

a

present circumstances?

you do

to break the

normal pattern of life?

7^h mn^ fife

Sdiii{cdn:

"I'm bored!" Well, whose fault ested in entertaining

you

are pretty

you

that?

is

who

are those

much on your own.

Life

wait to be invited to one. I'm sure

if

The only people

get paid for is

offdofa

it;

otherwise,

you create;

a party

we were on an

of,

we would

"Survey says. .They put their .

Even heaven

this

season of my

on hold!"

lives

life is

over and

this one.

about that

later).

Otherwise,

Stop waiting for someone is

an endless world of

your

living at

it's

else to

time to

let

make your

is

life

sex (but we'll

happen. There

life

fingertips. Fortunately, as a single

resources are yours to invest into living the

The

the games begin.

possibilities for pleasure

having to check with anyone

Thank

finally got a clue.

I

only thing that should be reserved for marriage talk

dumb

hear the host happily quip,

have to put up a guilty finger on

I

don't

episode of

Family Feud With, the question being what are some of the things singles are guilty

inter-

and

fulfilling

person

all

your

you want without

This makes for options and

else.

opportunities that are sure to be the envy of your married friends.

There

is

able to

no time

like the present to

enjoy what you might not be

do tomorrow because of different

What exciting.

does a no-holds-barred I

repeatedly

tell

people

I

life

priorities.

look

meet

like?

It's

downright

to finish this statement: 31

.

How

32

to

wanted

"I've always

Women Make

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

."

to

Well, what's stop-

ping you? Certainly your excuse should not be "Because

no man." Until

that blessed addition to your

claim you, your

life

should be

full

amazing experiences that broaden you

and

ally,

will

well-lived

make you

life full

draw other

interesting

emotion-

intellectually,

and intriguing

of passion and interests

like a

is

exciting people to you. So go ahead

and

activities

spiritually as a person. In other words, get a

one that

First,

shows up to

life

of fulfiUing

have

I

Get

life.

to others.

magnet.

and mix

up.

new

break out of your regular routine. In order to have

you have

experiences,

to

do new

things. If your

work, church, and back home, there ment. Select

activities that interest

is

a lot

you or

will

It

it

A

weekly routine

is

of room for improvepull

comfort zone and stretch you. Remember,

if

you out of your

you choose things

that really interest you, chances are there will be other people there

with the same

your

interests,

ideal mate.

which make

for fertile

ground

to

meet

According to Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder^of

eHarmony.com, the more things two people have

in

common,

the greater their chances are of having a lasthigj;elationship. 'Well,

what kinds of things do you

you experiment with anything

suggest

suggest, Michelle?"

that

involves self-improvement; or adds to your

I

makes you curious;

skill sets,

community

involvement, or charitable ventures. Get active in areas you are

concerned about. Check out an area which addresses what you feel

you

are lacking in

your biological clock

is

your

on

life.

For instance,

fiill tilt

sound

mentoring children? Get involved with youth program. Stop fillm ent

on

the alarm

why

not consider

children's

church or a

off,

on one way

to

have personal

ful-

and b roadenj^our_scope

Take a a great

insisting

if

class in

way

an area of interest. From fun to educational,

to stretch

beyond your present boundaries,

it's

increase

Mistake

Number Two

33

your knowledge, and meet interesting people. Let here that you

A lot of us like, l

have a v ery unhealthy opinion of what h oline ss looks oft en

ends up looking borin g.

was borin g by any

social

and always up

The

mix

— from

for attending a

He

much, but He had an

very

and

associates

was an

company He kept and

Him

interesting

Him

embraced

friendl}Mriflu.£nce.

He was

the very wealthy to the socially unacceptable.

went. They accused

unlikely people

dojiot_believe

good dinner, banquet, wed-

Pharisees were appalled by the

places

I

stretch of the imagination.

ding, or celebration. His circle of friends eclectic

interject

mightne^djtojhink^u^^

and holiness

esus

me

the

of drinking and eating too

life,

The most

to say the least.

and His teaching because of His

Remember, your

life

has to look a ttractive in

order for otheisjojffianLJI2jom_jyou. You, like Jesus, will have to think outside

of the religious box in order to have

a life filled

with excitement and fulfillment.

That being

said, c heck

your motiv es for

wh y you d o_what

wh ere you

go. Is it because you think you will meet the mate of your dreams or is it because you are truly inter-

youjio and go

ested in

what

should be

all

that class or activity has to offer

about you

first.

you

personally?

It

The motive should not be meeting

someone. Trust me. Ruth was not thinking about meeting Boaz or any other eating

man when

s

he went

and surviving, and she

still

gle aning.

Her

total focus

got a rich

man

out of the

was

deal!

(Ruth 2-4).^^eeting_som eone should be the by-product of wha t

you do, not the primary

meantime, getread^^to

goal. In the

e2cpand your personal breadth as a person.

What want

What are some things you man to come and buy you

other dreams do you have?

to acquire?

Don't wait for a

jewelry and trinkets; s et a standard for nice piece that signals

you

are a

them

woman

to follow.

of quality.

I

Acquire a

don't

know

How

34

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

my

about you, but holding out tor

show

up, marry me,

and buy

birthdays started adding up,

home.

I

one

"settled in"

said

I

had

by

it

(and that

is

who

home

because buying

and given up the notion of ever being

what you

I

felt it

was wisdom

for

Married or not, to give away

to purchase a piece of property.

money

past due. As the

well-meaning friend,

a

married. This simply was not the case.

me

way

is

should wait to purchase a

suggested that

shining armor to

in

took the plunge and bought a

I

was cautioned against

I

knight

house

a

Women Make

doing when you are renting)

are

God had blessed me with. now would have something

was not being a good steward of what

The more

practical outlook

to bring to estate

is

my

that

is

I

marriage whenever

it

comes

to fruition. Real

one of the best investments you can make

teed increase in return.

for a guaran-

When my husband shows up, we will buy

another house and have equity toward our future. Begin to think

of ways you can add to your financial certainly sweetens your position as a

have a dowry of sorts to share

collateral

on your own.

It

newlywed. Every girl should

at will or

simply to maximize her

own security. What about trips to exotic places? Why wait tohaygAIomance in

orderja_go? Perhaps romance

getting this? This

man comes things.

is

is

waiting for you there. Are you

about makingj;mjxji|gjiagflen.

into your

he should haY£

life,

The opposite of that

situation

is

that

t

When

o interrupt some

you

will

completely

overwhelm him b y being toQ_^aYaiiable and desperate attention to

fill

the gaps in your

man who

life.

What

a turnoff!

had

You

couldn't get rid of him. Hewajited_jil_yo ur tim e.

liked

you waaaay more than you

was your response? You were

just

matter of fact, you ran from

him

He was

for his

Have you

ever

a

that

liked

him?

What

not that into him, right? As a as

though he were the plague.

too needy, not intriguing enough, and perhaps even a

Number Two

Mistake

little bit scary.

why your

If you've read

is

favorite

the

hungry even

bitter tastes sweet" (Proverbs 27:7). If

you

don't have a

and enrichin g

will

end up

is fiill

loathes

before

life_

make you

already satisfying at

is

you mee t

a potential mate,

you

someone you _woujdn^ordinajily_

settling for

because desperation will that

my

hone% but t o

full

life

man?

before you meet a

first

any of my other books, you know

"He who

Scripture:

what

you grasping

Well, consider that in reverse. Are

has to happen

life

35

accept anythin g. But a

core will

its

full

make you much more

discerning about your love choices simply because you can afford to take^you r time

and

get

rig ht.

it

Haying__ajife doesn't just answer the desperation question; it

also sets

tial

t

he bar o ri_tliej;gspect you will receivejrom^^oten-

love i nteres t.

He

because you had a

will

life

before you

man

plot

and plan how

wondering how your

life,

to

more

the

win you

rather than hide

fascinating

you will

offer.

you have

a full

now game

You need

to

make

be.

from you. The

fuller

The more stimulating

The more he w ill

love

how he

want to be around yo u more.

whenjie^s^roundjjwi^

When

prize.

are

more of your tim e. Leave him

to get

conversation you will have to feels

met him. You

A challenge. A

waiting to be captured. th at

not take you or your time for granted

life, ....

t .^

here

—

is

no need -

for g ames or -~

of making you intriguing.

manipulation. Your

life

The balance here

in the presentation of yourself to him.

is

will take care

shoul d always be delighted to hear from h i

enough time

nonrequir ed

to

run

—

there

after is

The other makes you

men and,

it?

a difference.

M ake him

but not hav e feel desi red

One makes you

but

interesting.

a pest.

This, however, can be their footing

him. Got

m

You

and come

therefore, there

where many accomplished

women

lose

to the conclusion that they intimidate is

no hope

for

them. Please

know ahead

How

36

of time that tji ere is

who is

a

I

to

base

all

d ifference.

oi iTr^^_comm£nts^onj^

What he does

yourpraises. As a matter of fact,

you have achieved

no need

to

not want

let

a

woman who

find out^bou t yoii

him

by little. Like pleasant

little

is

arm

his

Leave some room for him toeing

oyerl)Mm2ressedvsatl^^

all

Again,

A true man likes to have a woman on

about something.

is

Women Make

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

overwhelm. You want him to

fall

and

surprises. There's

vA^you,

in love

the

vvoman. Not yo ur achievements or jriaterialjLcqiiisitions. ^£jnQi£iritere sted in

who

have accomplished a

visionary mode.

y ourself Sometimes those

can ^e

self-consumed, always in i

s_gresent with him,

and impressed with what he bringsjojierjife.

He should be able to

find

as well as contributing

m

lot

in

A man wants a woman who

interested in him,

roo

him than

ways to co ntribute to you feeling loved

something tangible

for that tojiappen.

you can do something

Which means

your world. Leave

to

in

some

for yourself, let_himjQ_it.

cases,

even

No man

if

likes

to feel

unnecessary.

He needs to make a space for himself in your

world

as well as in

your heart. Find^ways to celeb rate hiin^above

what you have accomplished, and he

will

embrace your accom-

plishments wi th pr ide. This

is

time to nurture rich friendships in two arenas.

also the

Other men and women. The ri

ch

you

state

of ymu marriagewilLonlyibe

you take the time to

Here

as

is

where

learn everything that can be applied to your marriage.

Open

as the friendshjps

communication, shaTmg_theJmportant offence. Expectationsof giving sensitive to the needs

and

1

things.

taking.

Working through

Compromising. Being

of others. Being a good

a serva nt s hea rt. Being transparent

Giving

cultivate.

listener.

and accountable

Nurturing

to

someone.

00 percent of y ourself unconditionally^

Yes, frien dship

friendships with

is

the re hearsal before the marriage. Platonic

men

are

important because,

let's

face

it,

you

.

.

Mistake

men from your

cannot learn about

They think

different.

wavelength. The to

them, and

way

own

get an accurate^read it

comes

to

men

Take the time Live, laugh,

to

and

a

man The .

is

to observe

men,

th e responses of

talk

m en

not the way to

is

assumptio ns

we make whe n

destructive mistakes that not^nly^

bu t our

the relatj onship,

make and learn fro

most

t reasure

m

the m.

hearts as well

your friendships

Wh en

men

w ith

.

men.

get honest_j__the

surprisi ng. Thej/^^et_honest

when_they

th ey feel safest within the boundaries of a friend -

ship that expects nothing

Now is

men

are

on another

rationalize

.

we make

revelatio ns can be

and

They

responses to things This

on

Men

female frien ds.

Most wo men gauge

outcom e of

affect the

37

usuallysend^us careening^own the__path oTself-

deception, where

feel safe,

differently.

to learn ab out

listen.

based on their

Number Two

also the

more

from_jb£ni

time to spend time constructively nurturing

women as well as your family. I am astounded by the number of people who desire to be married bu t

your relationships with other

have ou-tstanding feuds with family members and inconsistent relationships across if

t

he board.

you have unresolved

with in your inner

issues

It is

self-deception to think that

with t hose you shou ld be

circle that_you will

at

peace

be able to l ive_through

conflictwith a^spouse. All_of your oth e£ relationships are rn erely te sts for

thegrad uate

class cal led marriage. S ettle

with those in yourJjfe_now. Clean the

backjo_aTiealthy

Thinking

place,

that, ify^^i

where

it

your de bts

and get your heart

slate

isj ree to give an_d^receiyelove.

had the Hghr m^tj-

tionshi^_4ramaj__wQukLb£^solved

is

,

not

all

o f your other

r ealistic.

rel a-

In contrast,

getting^married will exaggerate th em. Trust me. Your marriage

wiirbring^ll_outstanding issues

to_l ight

and o ffer_ygu_iio-i£e§h

tooj^jorjesolyirig-iliem

The long and short of

it?

Never put off

for

tomorrow what

How

38

you can do

today.

hanging

God

Never hang so much credence oii_someone

told

in the balance.

you

that

How

doing?

with the

rest

life?

to pass us

to be asked: If

What would you get busy shift? What would you do

would your

priorities

of your

How would

is

of your

you would never be married, what would

life?

you apply yourself to the

relationships that are already at hand? to morrow

issues

The question begs

change about your approach to

is

Women Make

completing you that you leave the major

else life

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

to

not promise d.

The truth of

None of us

by on a maybe. This

is

also a

the matter

can afford to allow

good

life

case for not aban-

doning your friends when the "man of your dreams" comes on the scene.

Remember, your

and they

up,

will

still

friends were there before he

be" there

should he not

last for

showed

the rest of

love's journey.

When

all is

said

and done, the only thing you can control

yourself and your outlook. as

you want

let's

face

health,

—

it

being

life

"Do

about

make your

could

fail

up

you.

life as

exciting

to the discretion

Not on purpose, but

happens. So does death, disappointment, bad a plethora

laid plans for

of unseen interruptions

happiness and fulfillment. Jesus

Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew

Even He, though having an omnipotent knowledge of

things to come, practiced being present every day. Jesus pletely

of

not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry

itself

6:34).

who

unemployment, and

of our perfectly said,

get to

to be. Don't leave that

it

human

another

You

is

submerged Himself in what

moment.

How much

lay before

Him

com-

in the given

more should we, who do not have

a full

knowledge of what tomorrow holds, follow His example by being present right

—

where we

living in the fullness

are?

of where we are right now,

Mistake

Number Two

39

etting Real

what

C

Number Nine

137

could not possibly be heart-smart without clearing up the other business we've walked through

and can now put these

principles to use. Because this chapter

could actually be a book by

itself, I

have written that deal with

I

you've

foundation with the other things we've discussed

laid a better

books

now

Hopefully by

first.

will refer

you

more

this subject

ofan

to several other

Ending the Search for Mr.

Right, Secrets

Men Are Like Buses,

How Do I Catch One? and

Then

Rules of Love will give

you additional

specifically.

Woman, If

Irresistible

The Unspoken

insight into the things

you

know to walk in wisdom in the area of your interpersonal relationships. For now I will tackle several of the top issues and need to

leave

you

You

to

do additional research should you need the above-mentioned behavior

see, all

we

don't tolerate

When

When we

be transformed by the power of God's

we

Word and

are yielding to

begin to attract not only different people

walk with open hands when worse

yet,

before us,

Let

me

jewelry?

we blame

it.

When

ask you a question.

Do

comes

you

it

many women

to matters of the heart. air,

hoping someone

lands with a thud,

leave

it

Where do you

leave

your good

out on the coffee table in the middle

knew some

strangers were

coming

to

home for a party, would you leave your valuables out where

they could be stolen?

I

didn't think so.

we go with make once we

Well, the same rule applies to your heart, so here the

damaged

others for not taking better care of it.

of the living room? If you

your

it

they toss their heart into the

responsible will catch

our hearts

allow ourselves to

but different circumstances into our midst. Far too

Or

fruit

bad behavior from others or place

our hearts in precarious positions.

His clear direction,

merely the

is

and not the root of why we do what we do. are healthy,

to.

countdown of ten mistakes we most often

think we've met the

"man of our dreams."

How

138

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Women Make

etting Real

Ol

Cjt^

What

has been the repetitive pattern in

ships?

What

In

what

all

of your

can you do differently to break

areas

relation-

this pattern?

do you wish you had been smarter

in

your

previous relationships?

Ou What happens when your heart

What

Olv

is

the

outcome of your

gets

ahead of your head?

actions?

What would you like to be more in control of in your tionships? What makes you out of control now?

rela-

Mistake

Number Nine

139

Number One: Use Your Heads, Ladies The one thing you must remember us to love

Him, He

instructs us to love

mind, and strength (Mark 12:30).

soul,

is

when God

that

Him

with

Yes, the

all

mind

asks

our heart, is

involved

because your emotions should follow your decisions, not the other

way around. After

the

mind

has

committed

to loving

Him,

then the emotions are engaged and maintained through the

which

strength of our convictions,

and

belief

Him.

trust in

The same man, except

true

is

it is

when

comes

it

now more

for a different reason.

to dealing with a natural

important to engage our

Remember,

the heart can deceive

mislead you. Based on what your heart wants,

and circumstances

women

by our

are reenforced

to

conform

to

its

it

intellect

you and

will twist

desires. This

is

words

where many

fool themselves into guessing a man's intentions

finding themselves deeply disappointed

when

and

they find out their

assumptions were not correct.

how we Someone who is

Relationships affect every area of our well-being and

respond to people and circumstances heartbroken

is

not whole.

in a

godly manner.

and

called us to

Our

walk

at large.

When we are broken,

inability to

affects

walk

our overall

as

it is

God

victory.

has created us

The outcome of

our interpersonal relationships have a profound

we

hard to walk

effect

on how

see ourselves.

Based on acceptance or rejection, selves that

can make

it

we

absorb a view of our-

hard for us to function in a healthy

manner, thereby affecting our work, our personal care of ourselves,

and our

overall response to every thing that occurs in

our

world, from a light turning red to a salesclerk being rude, which in turn invites a

response to us that either affirms us as being of

value or confirms our greatest fears about ourselves

—

that

we

are

How

140

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

not enough; therefore, to

walk

in

we

are

Women Make

unworthy of

God

love.

wants us

wholeness and that wholeness cannot be determined

by another person, but

can be affected by him

it

if

you

are

not using your head in your romantic or platonic interactions.

When we don't

use our head,

ment by not paying

we

set ourselves

up

attention to key signs that

for disappoint-

let

us

know what

our expectations of the other person ought or ought not to

Having

realistic

expectations

is

a

haven to a healthy heart. "Hope

deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled life"

(Proverbs 13:12).

The

kept in prime condition

Though

resilient,

being

subjected to too

if

need a bunch of

When

is

you choose

make more sound

in

is

a tree of

responsibility of your heart being

solely yours.

your heart can

men

be.

many your

So take good care of it.

affect every area

of your well-

unnecessary traumas. You don't life... just

the right one for you.

to utilize discernment,

you

will

be able to

choices for successful living and loving.

istake

Number Nine

141

etting Real

o^ In what ways do you

Ct

How

set yourself

up

for heartache?

has allowing your emotions to rule over your

good

judgment caused problems for you in the past?

cv What are

the

first

signs for

you

that

you

are letting

your heart

overrule your better judgment?

Ol.

What

is

a situation

when you were

heart-smart that you

good about? What was the outcome?

feel

How

142

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Number Two: Leave Ihis

Man

the Pursuing to the

out there.

sure that a

man

understand there

I

One who

control of her world.

I

is

is

new breed of

a

self-assured, independent,

say if you're that self-assured,

your worth and pursue you. You

will see

just like to have one.

above to a

all

men.

I

man

because you are not desperate for a

later

And you will

things because

am

you

and

will

be

will cost

—you would

be in control of your impulses

are using

your head when

not trying to be harsh, but

I

feel

it

It is

comes

strongly that this

dangerous practice that often ends in heartbreak. Please,

take better care of your heart!

in

you can be

independent enough not to make desperate moves that

you

much

huge, ladies. IKis one principle will save you

is

unnecessary heartache.

woman

Women Make

is

ladies,

scripturally out of order for a

woman to pursue a man. If you don't believe in Scripture, then let me say it is universal law. God's Word works whether you believe it or not. Men are created and wired to pursue. Women were created to be the cherished in their eyes

when we do

prize.

the pursuing.

We

lose status

When

I

and value

was growing up,

women used to advise their daughters, "You need to marry a man who loves you more than you love him." I used to think that was

terrible advice.

man

loved the

woman more

would never be If

we look

He

us.

as

hurt. In a

because they

way

that

we

is

love because Jesus

model of the Bridegroom

Practically speaking,

done

let's

Have you

ever noticed that

ever ends

up making

it

that if the

first

loved

in the Spirit,

The man should choose

He should pursue you,

just as Christ has

felt

true.

translate to the natural.

Christ chose us.

win you,

this

than she loved him, their daughter

at spiritual order

the ultimate

is

which should you

They advised

fight for you,

and

for us.

take a look at

how

this plays out.

no one from the show The Bachelor

to the altar?

The only one who has been

Number Nine

Mistake

someone from The

able to get to an "I do" has been ette.

Why

that?

is

Because of spiritual law

women

Bachelor you have several

put

it all

on the

and though he is

those

women

him

in a

all

if

set in

Bachelor-

motion. In The

pursuing the same man. They competition to win his heart,

from among them, the underlying

gets to choose

they are

truth

line for

143

pursuing him!

he had met them

Would he have selected one of forum without the

in a public

obligation of having to respond to their advances? We'll never

know. But what we do lost respect for these

the man's heart, so

know

when

it

answer

comes

to going after

important to you

are

will

someone

else

be the same.

will always

about pursuing you, he

in

an attempt to win

that leave the

Michelle, or has been hurt by

My

most people watching have

man feeling by the that make you go hmm. ... question, "Well, what if the man is shy,

what does

always get asked the

help?"

that

women and all they do

end of the show? Things I

is

and needs

No man

something he wants.

become

as well.

Such

as

the principle decision

of wearing the pants

maker

you

will never

at

if

life

You

your house and

You

will

push

are his

he truly loves you or not because

have the peace that comes from the knowledge

that he chose you. This

becomes the

devil's

playground

constantly challenges and questions you with a whispers, "Are

forward.

him because you

in the relationship.

buttons forever to validate

passive

pursuing employment,

eventually run out of respect and desire for tired

is

be passive about other things that

promotion, or anything that would move your will

little

too shy

is

If he

a

you

sure

you

are his

first

little

as

he

voice that

choice?" Don't put your-

self in this position.

What

is

the balance

on

do the approaching. Does

Compliment him on

this topic?

this

Be approachable but don't

mean you can say hello? Of course.

his tie if you like. Just don't

put the moves

How

144

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

on him. Your job His job

to invite

is

know you Your job

is

better.

make him know

to

A simple

pretend you are a flower.

mantra to do.

is

what

it is

home and

for

Got

What does

looking and smelling pretty. is

it

safe to

It

in a place

Allowing yourself

to

you it?

to

As

it

mmm*.

approach you. takes to get to

remember

I've

a flower do?

is

this:

written before, It

just sits there

doesn't shout out to be picked.

and those who recognize

set

it's

you out and do the work

to be. His job

is

Women Make

where

it

its

beauty choose to take

It it

can be appreciated most.

be chosen

is

one of the ways that you

When you are the prize that man is after, your value increases in his eyes. He knows that he must do the work to guard your heart.

secure the relationship. Your attention

and time

are not taken for

granted because he remembers that he had to earn your

interest.

When you do the choosing, you set yourself up to be replaced by the one that he desires to pursue. In his

mind he did not choose

you; he was chosen and therefore settled for someone

who was

not quite what he would have chosen for himself Therefore,

when he

sees

someone who

mind, whether that person

is is

more

in line

with what he had in

actually a better choice for

him

or

not, he will pursue her. You've heard the stories of women dating

a

man

for

marries

two or three

someone

years,

else after

and he then breaks up with her and

knowing them

There can be several explanations for ones

is

who

chose whom... Nuff said.

for only three

this,

months.

but one of the main

Mistake

Number Nine

145

ctting Real

OiWhat

is

worked

O^

Ol.

your rationale for pursuing a man? for

has this

you?

How do you

feel

when

a

Can you compare your

man

is

level

of confidence between when

you pursue and when you better?

How

Why?

the one in pursuit of you?

are pursued?

Which one

feels

How

146

Number He dark,

to

just

approached you, the

and handsome. He's

really

you

it

romance and

in

his idea

move

You need

to find out if he deserves

me how many

in the real

goals does he have?

of living a good

country boy

people get caught up

at heart

life?

Do

This

hue has faded from

world of everyday

is

important.

while you are a city

to the outskirts

of town, you

will

girl.

important to him.

What

What

Does he have want

definite ideas

his life to

look

know

if

about the gender

like in five years?

might be

a

The things

that

life.

like?

What

These types of things

in his life?

important to know. You want to

is

not be a happy camper.

his priorities are in

woman

What

So when he wants

does his idea of a good relationship look

does he expect from the are

He

their

living.

they match yours?

Now is the time to learn of his likes and dislikes. are

What do

might be enough

his attention

after the rose-colored

and they land back

What

to

amazes

of

forget about the practical aspects of life they will

have to deal with eyes

It

tall,

person? If you've been starving for

this

shouldn't be.

your excitement.

of your dreams. He's

you! But what else about him?

likes

know about

—but

man

successful, he's got a great sense

male attention for some time, for

Women Make

Three: Ask the Right Questions

humor, and he

you

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

he values women.

roles?

What does he

Ten? Twenty? You might

be surprised to find that his idea of a fabulous

life

does or does

not match yours.

Does he want children? BIG question! children and you do, this his

mind and

will

is

altar.

Or

will resent

he doesn't want

He

a deal breaker.

will

not change

only resent you for going against his wishes

should you choose to have a child anyway the

If

—

if

you make

it

perhaps you do not want children and he does.

you

for not giving

him what he

the time to think you can marry the

man

wants.

Now

is

to

He not

today and change his

Number Nine

Mistake

who

ways tomorrow. People are decisions about

they

are,

147

and they have made

what they want and Hke according

of

to years

conditioning. These types of things do not change overnight,

they change at

all.

In light of the fact that you

if

would want your

man in your This is why it is

wishes honored, you must do the same with the

and not discount

life

opinion or

his

feelings.

important to find out the answers to the things that matter most to

you

to see if you are a

What

else

is

good

fit

for

one another.

money

important to you? Cleanliness? Frugal

A love of the arts and music? Travel? Close family ties? An extensive social life? Good fashion sense? A neat home? The list sense?

goes on and on of things that you don't discover as being really

important to you until

after you've said "I do."

The

fallout

of

being irritated by the other person's lack of commitment to what is

important to you can cause major problems

Now

later.

These are things to discuss in a casual setting that

about themselves, so

you need Yes,

it

not threatening. People love to talk

should not be

even potential relationships should have an interview. is

called to master. Just as

qualified to

the most difficult job

no boss

hires

you

will ever

an employee

who

doesn't

fit

the

bill

not

for life-

opposites attract, commonalities are the glue that assist

asks the question,

know

"Can two walk

The Word

together, unless they

(Amos 3:3 nkjv).

are agreed?" I

is

be

of your desires or needs.

a relationship in remaining intact for the long-term.

God

who

do the job, you should not consider someone

time partnership

of

answers

difficult to get the

know.

to

Jobs do, and marriage

Though

life.

you have dinner or enjoy an outing

as

is

the

is

time to locate what your needs are for a joyful and healthy

I

don't have to

one of the most important

tell

anyone reading

areas

this

you must address

book is

that

the area

How

148

of your

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

You cannot be unequally yoked

spirituality.

Many have

(2 Corinthians 6:14).

when

Women Make in this area

and had miserable

tried

results

they found themselves always attending church alone or

arguing over the basics, such as prayer and tithing, because one

person

is

committed

the other person

woman

not. This

is

her

tries to get

his spiritual

to living a

man

Your husband

The key

like you.

before

is

to find out

life

doesn't

want

have a

man who knows

you

someone so.

is

what

think.

Jesus

is

your only high

need of a Savior

in

his heart

is

he

tremendous

a

arms or the sea of love

become more important

will

Keep

mind

in

is

blessing.

That being

for

said, just

mean

it is

though you do need

and

into your it

runs

down to

leave the choice

life.

If

open

to

necessarily

spiritual

is

to be clear that

he wants you bad enough, he

his way, nicely

he

because

no need

you have

him of where he wants

the old "You need to accept

go on

how

To

gets to insert himself into

takes to be with you, including

ever

him

man who

to

man who

that a

God

accountable to

says they are a Christian doesn't

specific standards for the life,

just

God

toward

Again, actions speak louder than words here. There

your

can

rift

to break God's heart won't break yours, either.

to be judgmental,

fit

man

leap into his

God

with

you than you presently

treats

like.

be just a

will

as the

up with her vision of what

a sister handles this one, the

you take the blind

because his love

God and

before

life

major problem

a

up or blow up. Remember,

either close priest.

becomes

to line

walk should look

Depending on how

submitted

will

do what-

embracing Christ.

me

as

I

am"

to

If

he

line, release

but firmly. You must be on the same

page in order to enjoy the book of marriage.

Of course,

you must be cognizant of the

your friendship and

know when

tions. Because, believe

it is

different levels of

right to ask certain ques-

me, there are some

difficult questions

you

Mistake

need to ask

some

at

Number Nine

juncture.

They

things to probe into, but again,

149

most comfortable

aren't the

you

don't need any

unwelcome

surprises.

In the world

we

men

experimented with other tioning

is

today you must ask a

live in

only appropriate

larger

and

he

With

intentional toward you.

looming ever

if

sexually.

Again,

seeming

is

man

this line

of ques-

to be romantically

the "down-low"

women

ever

if he's

contracting

phenomenon

HIV/AIDS by

the

we must be heart-smart. Is he willing to take a test before you move forward to a deeper relationship? Though you have no droves,

intention of being sexually involved until marriage, this

information you need to

is still

know if he is serious about courting you

with marriage in mind.

The

state

of finances

is

another

must be had so

but

times

best to wait until large

it's

I

someone who might come

Make

What you want your

relationship to look like,

a

list

of what

marriage to look

and ask the questions

those trains of thought to

make

sure

you

are

is

impor-

like,

that line

your

up with

both wanting the

same things out of life. Remember, romance wears off and life sets

in quick, fast,

where they

to

mountain of monies owed.

think you've got the picture.

tant to you.

Some-

amounts of debt have been taken

care of before joining yourself to resent inheriting a

conversation to have

that decisions can be made.

at times,

it

difficult

and

in a hurry,

and

if both

are going, the journey will be a

real

people agree on

whole

lot sweeter!

How

150

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Women Make

etting Real

Ou Make in

a

list

of the character

that are important to

you

your hfe partner.

Csu

How good are you

Cjul

What this

Caj'

traits

asking a potential suitor questions?

keeps you from asking the hard questions?

been harmful

What

at

issues are

important

is it

How

has

in the past?

important to you for your future?

for

you

to ask

about these areas?

Why?

How

Mistake

Number

Number Nine

151

Keep Your Mystery

Four:

I'm not talking about playing games, ladies. I'm talking about

mind and

the type of mystery that puts things

on

him wanting more of you. No one

deserves to have

right away. Part

a man's

of the delight of receiving flowers

how much more

beautiful they

become

ments day by day,

their fragrance

growing sweeter

is

all

leaves

of you

watching

they open in incre-

as

as

they unfold.

We need to learn a lesson from those flowers. Now that I've told you to ask all the right questions, you need to

know

let

me

the right things to

tell

much and

you, give

up way too much too you

let this

been hurt before that he

be

not work that way. Let

"Hmm...if it

will

all

men

these other

they saw that

I

sister,

sister,

but

women talk way too soon! What is it? Do you

man know

all

the ways you've

moved

to protect

me

you what

tell

you more?

"Why

way? She must not

feel

It

he's thinking.

treated her this way,

might be missing?" Or

herself to be treated that

you're a

most part

that for the

sister,

really believe that if

just does

I'm a

tell.

what was

did she allow

she deserves to

be treated any better, and perhaps she doesn't!" The more you expose, the cast

you

more questions

in a

The other

good

it

will raise in his

part of this equation

fancy the notion of being

on the

list.

is

will

And

admit in

detail,

ciate.

some point

else.

That

My simple rule on this

is

is

it

don't like to hear

or not, they rather

your

life.

They do not

men on your list are either your current man will

the former

if

be worried about lingering feelings you love or believe that at

men

that

THE man

being discussed in such great

him with someone

that will not

light.

about other men. Whether they

savor being

mind

may harbor for your past

in time

you

will

be discussing

not something he would appre-

unless there

is

something that has

How

152

Women Make

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

to

occurred in your

lite

romantically or health-wise that will have

impact on your current relationship, keep

you

If

may

matter

that area,

be,

and

He

so that

the need to

feel

this

nurse and rehearse whatever the

still

safe to say that

you have not been healed

a conversation

you need

is

suitors' business

approach

this in reverse.

isTMI

Do

you

really

the gory details about his other girlfriends?

should want to a

know just enough of his

commitment-phobe or

when

if

work out

things don't

I

want

is

information). to hear

all

didn't think so.

I

history to

not

know

if

of

You he

is

he has a pattern of blaming others versus

owning

how

occurred. But intimate details about to the curb

much

(too

in

Lord

to take to the

can restore you. To unload information that

your potential Let's

it is

to yourself.

it

his part

of whatever

his heart

was kicked

and how he agonized over someone other than you?

think not.

Many have asked me what determines something as being too much information, and my answer is simply this: Anything you don't want leverage.

times.

tion.

Here

as

is

is

To

for future

to revisit again during happier

emotional blackmail or a tool of manipulathis?

the other guideline for choosing

your motive for sharing

garner sympathy? like

mind

Anything you don't want held against you. Anything you

Are you getting

What

the back of someone's

Anything you don't want

want used

don't

filed in

To

create

some

this bit

sort

what

to divulge.

of information?

Is it

of strange bond that

to

feels

intimacy because you shared a secret? To shock the person? get

them

to

open up? These

sharing information.

are

You do not want

pathy from your potential

suitor.

to

the

wrong

illicit

You want

warmth and endearment, romantic more time with you.

all

reasons for

feelings

of sym-

to inspire feelings

of

thoughts, and longing for

Mistake

The way

to

do

Number Nine

this effectively

follow his lead. This

153

from him and

to take cues

is

means you must be more

interested in

him

than in revealing yourself to him. Because people love to talk

about themselves, the more questions you ask him about him-

is

more he

the

self,

good

a

thing.

will feel

you

are truly interested in him. This

As he shares things with you,

experiences and thoughts that coincide with

feel free to

what he

is

share

sharing.

This builds a natural bridge of commonality between you that paves the

way

and understanding

for friendship

mately lead to romance

if

he

with you and vice versa. This build a lasting

bond

that can

he has enough in

feels is

that can ulti-

and healthy way

the natural

move toward

is

not more

is

in the

when

it

way you

comes

Every

sister.

secret.

share

A

man

likes to

his

we

see,

more

not

all

woman as his greatest explore. He does not like to

woman's wares with the

rest

of the world. Though

As ness

—

attention they will attract, might

attention

is

good

I

show

submit to you that

attention.

a

woman

it

can be downright sexy!

counts.

my

think of his

the world has bought into the concept that the niore they the

him

are talking

what he does not

in

lies

garden that only he can

all

leave

present yourself physically. Less

to clothing unless

about accessories. Your power

to

intimacy.

The other way you can preserve your mystery and wanting more

common

of God, modesty

is

It is

not just a sign of godli-

what

is

in the

package that

The way you carry yourself with an easy confidence. In

tasteful, stylish outfits that

always pique the interest and leave

one guessing. Possess yourself and know you

are a gift that will

moment before. That is why it is important for you to have your own sources of delight beyond that man. Leave the question on his mind as to why you be unwrapped at the right time but not a

are so self-satisfied

and

joyful.

How

154

the

It's

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

little

laugh to the

in

being

things that create mystery, from the

way you

being lascivious.

Women Make

smell

It is all

who you

are.

—

it's

called being provocative without

about being naturally you and delighting

This

is

the gift that

God

woman

that the world tries to exploit, but as

behind

it

them

we

way you

has given to every

we

learn the

power

reclaim the pieces of ourselves and learn to share

sparingly until

Until then, store

all

someone

deserves to receive an overflow.

things precious where they can be safe.

Mistake

Number Nine

155

etting Real

O-

What that

Cs>>

In

are special things

you take

for granted?

what ways do you

What prompts you you do

Ct

What

about you others have taken note of

to

give too

do

this?

much What

of yourself too soon? is

the

outcome when

this?

unresolved matters do you find yourself repeating that

need to be healed

in

your heart before you move on?

&~ In what ways can you preserve your mystery?

How

156

Number

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Five: Don't Ignore the Signs!

When

you know your

value,

men

That would be the games

women

Women Make

you won't

for the

fall

okeydoke.

can play with your heart. Smart

note of the actions that follow. Let's

listen as well as take

begin with words. Actions do speak louder than words, but you

must

know when to pay attention to what is man says things like, "I don't deserve you

When

a

"

too good for will

me"

only find out

God

later that

he was absolutely

and

allows us to hear

see

but usually

we

up

are so caught

prospect of romance that

we

from future heartache, euphoria of having the

If a

man

ready for a commitment," the true translation you." Don't get mad.

you know

that

you

will

girl to

am

not

"I'm not ready

Thank him file

or

for his

move on

not be able to spend time with him

without your expectations for more being

So what's a

says, "I

is,

honesty and either place him in the friendship if

to in order to

ignore the waving red flags and

proceed without caution. Bad move.

commitment with

mind. You

right.

what we need

in the

said.

or "You are

believe him! Don't try to change his

give us the opportunity to save ourselves

for a

being

also

think

if

he

is

raised.

saying

all

the right things

but his actions don't match? If he doesn't keep his word before the wedding, he most certainly will not keep

it

after you've said

your vows. His actions are the true reflection of his thinketh in his heart, so

is

heart. "As

he" (Proverbs 23:8 kjv). If he wants to

be with you, he will be by your side without you having to

Moving

on. Trust

back up

too

his vocal

ask.

must be earned. Actions always speak

louder than words. If he to

he

good

is

talking out loud but doing nothing

intentions, don't invest your heart. Far

many women give away their hearts before a man has proven

himself worthy of receiving

Hear

this,

ladies.

Men

it.

have patterns and they cannot be

Mistake

A man

ignored.

will always start off

in active pursuit. If you

will cool off

Number Nine

157

when he

hot and heavy

allow yourself to be caught too soon, he

even faster than he pursued you, so

it is

up

to pace the relationship. Don't be so readily available

beginning. Give tional

him

is

and the time

the space

to

to

you

from the

become

inten-

toward you.

After you've settled into a groove, however, to take note

it

is

up

to

you

of his personal pattern of interaction with you.

anything about

it

If

changes, you must take note of the change.

Disappearing acts are never acceptable. If you cannot account

chunks of time

for large

beware. he

is

He

who

to finish

him from your

is

If he

you

tant to him.

While you that

you

until

either of these answers dis-

A man

not forthcoming about his where-

is

integrit}-

toward you. In

day and

this

could be a matter of life or death for you.

as his

woman and someone he

wants to expose you to

him

and

keeps you a secret, don't ignore the red

truly sees

elusive,

consideration as a love interest.

not operating in

age, his secrecy

in

elsewhere,

harbors secrets and

abouts

and he remains

either has unfinished business elsewhere or business

not going

qualifies

in his schedule

He

his inner circle

is

and

flags.

A man who

investing himself

all

who

are

impor-

transparent about his association with you.

is

are dating, this

you possibly are living

can.

is

the time to learn everything about

You

will never totally

know someone

with them, but you can do your

homework

beforehand and lessen the number of surprises. If he doesn't exhibit will.

This

is

a part

manners and consideration now, he never

of his character and

versus frugal, check that

shows no to be

now and

interest in indulging

showered with.

If

he

who

he

is.

If

he

don't be surprised

you with the things

starts off takins;

is

stingy

when he

that

you

more than he

like

gives,

How

158

don t overlook to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

to

pay attention I've said

often that dating

it

you

not for mating;

is

qualifies for

more

pull our that lovely

serious consideration. This

you submitted

list

a

before your very eyes. Your istic

many

God when you to cross-check

eventually fade.

your heart away. The ultimate goal

man

Chemistry clears there

is

had

their promises.

They seek you is

will

the

better be a real

man standing there.

They consider your

heart,

you and cover you.

know

Real

smoke

men keep

your time, your

spirit.

A real man interested in

everything about you.

He will

note what

important to you and look for ways to please and support you.

He

will

be

What

like Jesus to

you, giving himself for your sake.

type of things are you to be taking note of? The

he speaks about

his family

how

mother. This will reveal issues

and other he

feels

women

If

he

is

—

way

especially his

about women. Unresolved

with his mother are not good. Be wise

be superimposed over you.

a

—

those issues will

mama's boy,

be examined; you could end up being the other is

make

a temporary sonic blast at best. After the

to

to not

forward.

to protect

want

is

of upstanding character.

This takes time and lots of communication before you

move

where

must be examined before you

only marry your best friend, but a

decision to

is

being manifested

traits that will

qualifiers that

feel free to give

is

to see if

should have a countdown of real-

expectations beyond surface

There are can

list

to

mate and begin

between what you've written and what

for col-

it is

him out

the time you are checking

is

were putting in your order for it

you need

are httle markers

to.

lecting data. This

he even

They

these tendencies.

Women Make

this has to

woman

if

he

not able to keep his relationship with his mother in proper

perspective.

Take a look

your family in

a

few

at his family

years.

What

dynamics. That could be

kind of family

life

has he been

Mistake

Number Nine

159

A healthy or dysfunctional one? What

exposed to?

normal to you? All of these things need

Is it

ered. After

all,

this

the rest of your

is

life

is

his

normal?

to be soberly consid-

we

are talking about.

His friends and his job history are other key indicators. His

examine them

friends are like him, so

spectful

and morally loose or godly,

Whatever they

Birds of a feather

The length of tell

he

are,

still

successful,

when he

like that

is

other biggies. Anger

and considerate? not around you.

commitment.

his

I

checked.

If his life

a serious indicator of things to

he handle

disre-

with his friends and his job will

deals with long-term

revolving door, this

is

Are they

flock together, the last time

his association

you how he

How does

is

closely.

emotions

management

is

as well as his

a big

one

to

down

the

aisle.

assume they can change a

money? Two

check out. The

The mistake most women make

man

after they've gotten married.

only person you will ever have control over it

is

self-deception to believe

being. See

person as

them

is

as

before they get expensive. the

wedding

the time

You

can't

is

life.

What

to

is

to

The

yourself; therefore,

if

you can

live

If you cannot, cut

with that

your

losses

cannot be worked out before

seldom worked out

you need

two

you can change another human

they are and decide

for the rest of your

is

a

come.

indicators of potential abuse are usually apparent before

people walk

is

after

exchanging vows. Take

be certain of the person you are marrying.

miss what you never had, but memories are difficult to

erase, especially those filled

with

regret.

How

160

cttifig

c

What

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Women Make

Real

signs have

you ignored

in the past that

you have

regretted?

What makes you ignore the signs? What impact does ignoring the signs have

c

on your

relationship as

What was your response to you blame? Why?

Ct In

progresses?

finding out the truth?

what ways have you allowed mixed

before?

it

Whom did

signals to mislead

you

Number Nine

Mistake

Number

Never Compromise Yourself

Six:

Let's talk

161

about the deepest regret you can

That of investing your

all,

feel as a

woman.

who

your everything, into someone

does not recognize your worth or treat you like the treasure you are.

I'm talking about the regret of compromising your purity.

No woman Love

should ever have to sing the song "Will You

Me Tomorrow?"

your husband this

is

is

a

Giving your body to someone

Do away

huge mistake.

who

Still

is

not

with the excuse that

permissible because you are in a committed relationship.

A man not your husband until he is your husband. this: How many other committed relationships have

you had?

Did you marry any of those men? There you have

Consider

Consider

is

if

becoming

physically involved with

any of your former

had any bearing on the outcome of your

relationship.

to say sexual intimacy only caused deeper pain

over? This

because sex

is

Becoming one

leaves

is

it.

not just skin-deep.

an impression on our

Is it safe

when

It is

suitors

it

was

spirit-deep.

spirit that

can never

be erased.

Giving of yourself, of your body, can be compared to worship.

The

act

of giving everything you are and everything you

have should be reserved for the one for you.

a

I

have heard

man, but

The

that

is

women

give in.

is

willing to give his

say that sex gives

life

them power over

not scriptural.

truth of the matter

when you

who

you

is

actually give

The Word of God

vant to the one you yield your

says that

members

to

up your power

you become a

(Romans 6:16

ser-

kjv).

No one should be able to hold that much power over you unless they are willing to pay the price in lifetime covenant. The cost of giving your riage

is

body

to

one who

is

not committed to you in mar-

usually a lot higher than was anticipated.

remaining soul

tie to

one

who

has

The pain of the

moved on can be

debilitating.

How

162

For

to

this reason

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

God

Women Make

has set the standard of purity in place, not

only to protect your heart but to keep you

who

come

will

For those

deserving

who

of your

all

love.

have been engaged in numerous relationships,

cynicism robs the heart of the hope that enabled fiilly.

one

set apart for the

it

to

once love

For every piece of yourself that you give away, the more

difficult

of love

you

as

will find

and

to reclaim the initial joy

it

God purposed

it

Our hearts will

to be.

be hedged with

and apprehension. Sometimes

caution, distrust,

fulfillment

it

can actually

cause us to lose our discernment, making us unable to receive

when

the right thing finally

Oh, what peace we

comes along.

forfeit

when we choose

to

walk against

God's design, which was ordained for our protection. tant ingredient of maturity that responsible hearts,

women

is

to

come

An impor-

to the understanding

take responsibility for not just their

but their bodies and their

spirits as well.

It's

in mastering

the incredible balance of being secure in your sexuality

and

yet

choosing to walk in purity that freedom and personal fulfillment are realized in the battle

comes from having

mitment

between the

flesh

a full realization of

and the

spirit.

your worth and a com-

to protecting those things considered valuable to

as well as yourself

This

God

Mistake

Number Nine

163

etting Real

o

In

what ways have you compromised yourself

win

a man's love?

What was

the outcome?

What

in order to

will

you do

differently next time?

Ct In

what ways do you wrestle with your personal value?

Why?

o What

are the

consequences of violating God's

area of sex outside of marriage?

How

Word

in the

does this affect you

emotionally?

CsL'-

In the aftermath of rejection, what are your regrets you've given your

all

to a

man?

when

How

164

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Number Seven:

When

a

man

Women Make

Don't Overstep Your Boundaries is

ready to

make

commitment, he moves

a

accommodate

heaven and earth to put

his Hfe in order to

woman

the best thing since sHced bread. Until

he has decided

then, he

may

is

enjoy spending time with you and having

benefits of having a

woman

associated with having a

all

the

the

without the responsibility

in his life

committed

relationship. Therefore,

don't behave like a significant other or girlfriend until he has

made

be in a committed relationship with you

his intentions to

crystal clear. If

A relationship

you have official

is

you

to guess,

when two

are not in a relationship!

parties have discussed

forward together and mutually agreed to do

so.

moving

Never leave

this

to assumption. It

has been said that a

If you allow

take

fijll

him

man will

to continue

did a study on

noncommittal

he will

state,

to

you or the

relationship. Rutgers University

why

the trend

on men committing had slowed

to such an alarming rate. to

in a

woman allows.

advantage of all that you offer without ever committing

more of himself

had

on

only do what a

The men

said they did not feel they

all

commit. They were already experiencing the

full benefits

of marriage without having to be married.

Women becomes an

you

are

more

issue

in control than they realize.

of what

act as a wife before

become old rule

a wife. is

still

we choose

you

to allow or disallow.

are a wife, chances are

You have given

a

man

how he

he's

how

admit that you are allowing

this

will

not

to.

The It

he can capture more or,

worse

yet,

how

doing or worry about you

not being there. If you are "skimming" in a relationship, it,

When

him wanting more.

can get you to back off

he doesn't have to do more than

you

nothing to aspire

the same. Always leave

should be on his mind day and night

of you, not

simply

It

as

I

call

unacceptable behavior out

Mistake

of fear. The

Number Nine

fear that if you let

on

relationship, he will flee. If that

gone

that

is

inevitable.

you want more from the me, he

true, believe

some point anyway and you

at

165

are merely putting

will

be

off^

the

Value yourself enough not to allow another person to

waste your time.

Time

is

what your dren,

lifetime goals are. If

to a

your

woman, depending on

life

picture includes chil-

you have time parameters that cannot be ignored. That

not a lack of faith for

commodity

a precious

—

that

If you feel

is reality.

some of the options you long

for in

is

running out

highly

recommend

time

life, I

making peace with

that

and count

wisdom He knew

that

might not be the best option

even though Scripture

it

joy that in God's infinite

it all

was something you wanted.

when

facing a

moment

like that:

I

for you,

always think on this

"He

gave them their

request, but sent leanness into their soul" (Psalm 106:15 nkjv).

thank

Him

for

is

withholding anything from

me

that

would

I

place

me in spiritual or even physical or emotional danger or famine. Remember that God knows best, and though we can make plans for

our

lives.

But back

His

will prevails

and His

will

is

always best for

us.

to the point.

Whether your issue

is

time sensitive or not, don't allow anyone

to waste

your time or your emotional energy on

that will

not profit you emotionally or

realize that

many hang

wake up and smell the

spiritually in the end.

on, praying that their coff^ee.

a relationship

man

will

I

someday

See the light or otherwise you will

be sorely disappointed to find these long, drawn out relationships fading to black like a

mind

when

is

that

you

the scene

rime to

yell

bad movie.

are the director. lasts

What you must

You need

keep in

to call the shots,

too long without any sign of resolve,

and it's

"Cut!"

Let's discuss the

famous

"Let's

be friends"

line.

Here

is

where

How

166

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

When

smart

women make

its his

way of coasting while he checks out

foolish moves.

Women Make

man

a

you

tells

this,

his options. In other

words, he wants the benefit of relationship without the responsi-

He has not decided if you are it, which means you probably are not because men usually know this early in the game. He is still looking. And even though he is still looking, he does not want to give up the security and perks of having a woman in his bility.

life.

want

Yet he does not

find

what he

He may just This

is

is

really

to get too deeply entrenched should he

looking for and have to extricate himself.

consider you a suitable stand-in and nothing more.

for

you

to

know and

not get an attitude about. Again,

mad; get smart. Treat him

don't get

priority level should

he came along.

He

Which means he

like a friend.

his

drop because you had other friends before should be treated

is

However,

not

first

in the

available every time he calls.

of them.

like all the rest

pecking order. You are not

You do not drop everything

to

if you are truly friends

he

accept an invitation from him, because

cannot take your time or your schedule for granted. Right? This also means that you are free to explore other options.

would not be wise

to

sit

and wait

for

him

to

change

his

It

mind,

because he might not. If he does decide after perusing the scene that still

you

are indeed a great catch,

available then, but in the

Keep

in

presence,

who

mind

and your love add up is

to a valuable

not ready for prime-time TV.

it

does not

It is

at the store. Just

mean

that

its

value

simply a matter of the right person coming along

and recognizing what to them.

are

commodity! Anyone

not yours. Consider merchandise

It's

you

meantime move on.

because someone does not buy decreases.

if

that your time, your mind, your body, your

cannot recognize that

their loss,

you can reconsider

And

as

that particular piece of merchandise adds

you know, every garment

doesn't look

good

Mistake

on every body.

A

good

fit is

Number Nine

167

definitely required.

And

that goes

both ways. So take good care of yourself. You belong to God, so carry yourself as the precious prize that

on the

right

day

at the right

and choose you

—

you have

is

course.

to

do

yes,

you

you

are,

knowing

man will come along the star of his show. And all who you are graciously, of

time the right

—

to

be

show up and be

that

—

168

How

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Women Make

i^:;^tn\nQ Real

Cl.

What

has been the repetitive pattern in

ships?

What

of your relation-

In what ways have you wasted time in your relationships in the past?

Why

CsL^

ail

can you do differently to break this pattern?

What

is it

are

Why? What was

the outcome?

important not to waste your time?

God's expectations on

how you spend your

time?

Mistake

Number

Once upon had

to recover

man. She met him, and

Be Open

Eight:

lost

a time

I

Number Nine

Wise Counsel

to

had

a friend... well,

from a major setback due this

her

guy one

mind

day,

No

nuptials.

wedding

one had

was time

it

a chance to

hand. Her explanation was simply

me

have people asking not work out, so closed the deal,

She

invitations.

to

announce the

meet him before-

this: "I just didn't

want

to

about another relationship that might

decided to wait until

all right,

things she didn't

was

I

in love with

a black hole during their court-

ship and did not resurface until

upcoming

of a

to the interruption

She didn't introduce him

in the process.

had disappeared into

we

do, but

still

I

head over heels

fell

to friends or family until she sent out literally

169

I

and then the mess

know beforehand

closed the deal." She hit the fan. All

of the

He

surfaced in her beloved.

violent, abusive, unstable, couldn't

keep a job

on? The marriage was a costly disaster for

my

—

shall

dear friend,

I

go

who

found that getting out of the relationship was much harder than getting

in.

This completely boggled

my mind

and

my

understanding.

I

attended the wedding, and he seemed very nice, but his family

was a tad strange to me, and along with these people.

I

I

wondered

just did

if

my

friend really got

not see the connection. But,

of course, any observations and input would have been a moot issue at this point.

to have to live

The deed had been done and she was going

with

it.

And

live

with

it

she did for quite a while

before the pressure of living unhappily finally took

overruled her pride.

out

all

along the

way

I

and

One day she crumbled before me and spilled

the gruesome details of what she

As the awful

its toll

had been enduring.

many danger signs my head at why these things had

story unfolded, there were so

had

not been obvious to

to scratch

my

dear friend. But as she described their

How

170

romance,

and

said

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

began

I

understand

to

more

He had done

clearly.

Wined and dined

the right things.

all

it

Women Make

her.

Given her

all

the attention she had been so sorely lacking. She was distracted

by the delirium of combustible chemistr}' and romance. After

what would

a stan.'ing

right, sister.

Attack

as her

dog do

if

he spotted

boner You got that

what she

on! Well, that's

full

a

marriage lay in shambles around her

all,

feet,

And

did.

now,

she invited those

near and dear to her to help pick up the pieces.

The moral

Remain transparent and accountable

oi the stor}'?

to friends

and family and dont ignore wise counsel, even

don't like

it.

The Word of God

embracing wisdom.

God

erbs 7:4).

bottom

If

we

dedicated an entire book to

become

you have

so secreti\c

so spiritual

you

spiritualized.

riches,

life,

you want things

liner If

relationships, to

do, long

are

to use

vou

to

vou

about the importance of

talks

wisdom

Proverbs and encourages us to treat

if

wisdom

in

like a sister (Prov-

and honor

will

be ours. The

go well with vou and vour

your headi

Now

is

own

get lost in your

not the time

dark corner or

no earthlv good. Relationships cannot be

Though we

are not of

it,

we

live in a cold,

still

hard, natural world. The natural part of our existence does not

go away.

We simply add the spiritual dimension

partner with

ment

to

our

to

our

lives as

we

God on

a daily basis, thus adding the "super" ele-

lives that

ultimately should result in a supernatural

lifestyle.

This means

we must

still

deal with the fact that people in

and out of church can have character

issues that are

ducive to victorious relationships. Because in

wisdom, these

into covenant, as

are things it

covenant. So do your

we should

God

calls us to

walk

we

enter

consider before

grieves the heart of

not con-

God when we

homework before you

break

get in too deep.

It is

ven' dangerous to be swept away by pure emotion and chemistr}^.

Mistake

The truth of

the matter

rapture of love,

we

Number Nine

when we

that

is

171

who

are not

fail

is

why

it's

good

to

good

we

feelings

submit that

man

is

where you ultimately want

for lack of counsel, but with

to land,

many

are

to others

clouded over in euphoria to check him out.

marriage altar "Plans

in the

are not interested in the fine print, warnings,

or anything that could signal an end of the experiencing. This

up

get caught

If the

remember,

advisers they suc-

ceed" (Proverbs 15:22).

Who

should you seek counsel from? Proverbs 27:9

from

that "the pleasantness of one's friend springs

you and

means

mean

us

his earnest

from friends who earnestly want the best

counsel." Seek counsel for

tells

your happiness and well-being. That

are rooting for

who might

don't consult with those

things out of their

own

be jealous,

who

say

pain or have shown you signs

of not being in your corner before. To be perfectly honest,

would not submit

a

male friend to anyone

who was

I

not either

in a victorious love relationship or living victoriously as a single.

You should always seek counsel from those who doing what you would

like to do.

are successfully

Otherwise, you might need to

take the counsel with a grain of salt. If the truth

hard

may be

it

is

being spoken in love, take

you

free"

in

no matter how

A hard decision now can save you from a

to hear.

world of heartache and will set

it

lasting pain later.

Remember, "The truth

(John 8:32). Sometimes

but, like medicine, truth

is

good

it

doesn't feel good,

for you. In this case, consider

God never wanted us to have to is why He gives us discernment.

the truth preventative medicine. learn things the hard way. This

As we

stay sensitive to

choose the way that This brings

of

God

me

is

His leading and the counsel of others, we best for us to take.

to the next point,

which

is

that the counsel

should absolutely be your foremost desire and should

How

172

Women Make

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

to

not be overlooked in this or any area of your

any of you

"If

generously to [her]."

lacks

tells

James

and

will

it

:5 says,

who

should ask God,

fault,

1

gives

be given to

of the Gibeonites, a group of people

approached Joshua and the the Promised

[she]

without finding

all

Joshua 9

wisdom,

life.

who

while they were claiming

Israelites

Land and deceived them

into entering into a treaty

of peace with them. Because no one sought the counsel of the

men

Lord (Joshua 9:14), Joshua and the out until Israel

an oath.

But now the

lived close by.

Israel didn't find

people were actually enemies of

later that these crafty

who

of

Israelites

were bound by

How many women have found themselves caught up in

whirlwind courtships, only to have the nightmare begin on the

honeymoon

My

night?

most urgent advice

is

that

man you

hidden things about the

you ask

God

to reveal the

are considering before

get deeply involved. Don't even waste your time with

who is

should not be considered

not a potential mate; they

bad

distraction.

you

really

want

God to

may

Every

the truth.

be just a good friend or a

Last,

tion

but certainly never

you here urgently

or pastor.

I

of divorce.

their mate, the

ask

answer

is

them. They didn't want

Although you

up

reveals

you

to

to

your parents. Might

least, are

someone who

is

I

cau-

without

in a place

of

That can be a married couple, mentor,

life?

I

it is

to never consider getting married

have counseled

When

clear if

after that.

the blessing of your parents or

authority in your

it

Of course, when He

the inner workings of this man's heart to you,

choose the path of wisdom

someone

man you meet

open your eyes and make

will

know

seriously.

you

far

too

many

them what

people on the brink

their parents

thought of

always the same. "Oh, they didn't like

me

marry

never

fails.

are an adult yourself, please understand that

your

to

this person." It

Mistake

parents

know

are probably

Number Nine

173

you. They've watched you develop over time and

more aware of who you

are

and what your needs

are

than you can imagine. They are looking for things you are not looking

for,

but the bottom line

someone they

believe will break

is

they are not going to embrace

your heart.

Always ponder the source, but please they have to

No

say.

one ever turned out the worse

to good, solid counsel.

peace,

the

and happiness

wedding

will

honeymoon. nothing

later.

A

at least consider

what

for listening

At the end of the day your very

will

depend on

it.

life,

Counsel ignored before

only be sought in a counselor's office after the

wise

woman

asks questions before

and

regrets

174

How

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

to

Women Make

etting Real

ct

Where

are

your blind spots when

it

comes

to considering a

potential love interest?

Cc

What

is

your response to counsel when people

offer

it

to

you?

c

Who

are the

members of your

their lives representative

accountability circle? Are

of the type of life you would

like to

model?

(

What happened the last time you ignored counsel? What did this teach

you?

Mistake

Number

Number Nine

175

Nine: Maintain Your Fennininity

Although

common

sistahs are

consensus

be by themselves. So

is

doing everything for themselves, the

how

none of them

that

still

does a

woman

really

want

balance her streak of

make

necessary independence with being dependant enough to a is

a

man

feel

needed

the question.

man

like a fall

is

in her world?

in love

in

your presence.

will

I

man

A real woman does

can do when a

man

feel like

where

make him

to

feel

not

feel

when

feel

they are

the king he longs to

the need to do

in her presence.

is

that

remind you again that men

with you based on the way they

be in your eyes.

—

to the point

woman enough

around you. Therefore, make him

a

or not to be needy

The answer? Don't be needy

your oxygen, but be

man

To be

to

There

is

what

no need

to

how powerful you are to a man. This is something they already know and are threatened by. A woman can make or break a man. Take the story of Samson and Delilah (Judges 16). How does a strong man like that end reiterate

up being

lassoed, beaten

some woman caused him

down, and rendered to be so, that's

why.

that he revealed the secret of his strength,

and

that he

fell.

Poor guy didn't

was reveling

in the

arms of

know what

hit

Reduced

it

was

to a

woman

was by her hands

him.

One minute

bound

been feared by the masses was

to this

It

this beautiful seductive

next he was being carted away in chains,

He who had

helpless? Because

now

woman;

in a

he the

dungeon.

ridiculed

by

all.

by the wiles of not an army, but one woman.

man found in Proverbs 31, whose wife was an amazing woman who empowered her man to be at his best at home and in the community at large. She was a blessing to Juxtapose this against the

him

in every way,

her praises. She

and he

rose

up along with

his children to sing

made him look good and reaped

having her house

as well as

her

man and

all

the reward of

their affairs in order.

How

176

to

Truly the difference between a defeated sonifies

him

according to God's design

man and one who peris the woman who helps

build his world and complete his God-given assignment. This

the area where Satan wreaks the most havoc, because he

is

a

man

Women Make

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

man and woman who

are

stand united in their God-designed roles

two of the most powerful people on the

have the power to change nations. For to breed distrust

strategy

to

—

divisiveness

this

face of the earth.

purpose he does

between the

sexes.

They

his best

His greatest

man at odds with the thing he desires most next woman. Or at least to keep him in perpetual turmoil

to set

is

God

and

knows

a

over her to the point of absolute frustration and even violence.

Men

by how

their success

be a

more than women

fear rejection

women

failure in the eyes

of his woman. This

when

in

Ladies,

need to

to be a

room

we

allay

cited that

is

They

you

free

are not the

to

enemy.

need your help in

it off.

don't need to it.

it is

add

How do we do

women and

are as

why they respond why they refuse to

to be their best for you, but they

order to pull

to

is

our presence! This should

stop being on the defensive with men.

They want

No man wants

respond to them.

so poorly to criticism or correction. This

ask for directions

and they measure

do,

to their fears that?

woman.

I

We

who we Many women have

By being

celebrating exactly that.

hard to be a

and confusion. secure in

contend that

it is

only hard

woman if you are trying to be a man. Whether in the bed-

or the boardroom, you've got to walk in your

The shoes you've been given take stock of what

and nurture skills (this is

influence.

it.

we have

The

fit

that

perfectly, so

wear them

well. Let's

More mastery over vocal

huge). Ah, but the greatest gift of are screaming

everything, think again,

shoes.

men don't. The ability to give life

ability to multitask.

While you

own

my friend.

about

all is

why men

the gift of get to run

Mistake

Number Nine

177

me that influence is not more powerful than authority. Yes, man has been given authority by God, but He the gift of influence. gave women something far more powerful It was a woman who influenced a man to give up everything he Don't

tell

—

Wars have been

possessed with one bite of fruit (Genesis 3:6).

women. Nations have tumbled because of a woman.

fought over

Because his heart beat a

a glance

little faster at

from

her, his

stomach flipped over when she smiled, and he couldn't get her out of his mind. Pull out some of those old movies and see those

women worked

femininity in today's society.

Being a

Woman

more on

for

We have lost the art of (Check out my book The Power of

men

those

this.)

over.

The war between the

turned into a vicious contest, with

women

digging in their heels, resisting with

How do we get the back?

By

the gifts

He

covers a

woman

separate logic in black

They

way God made

has placed in us both.

capacity for loyalty

their might.

all

He

us

gave

man

We

the suppression of evil. the ability to build

and

one another

the incredible

that protects

To

see things

solve.

to bring order to chaos. for

dominion and

bring fruitfulness to their world and

rule

discernment to their world.

We

kingdoms.

We

add beauty and

being an amazing bundle of

contradictions add the color to their black and white.

ance one another.

one another. If

We

complement one

How awesome is

you could

just

less

another.

We

We

bal-

complete

that?

wrap your head around what you bring

a man's world, perhaps

and

and

ability to

They were created

are fixers. Stabilizers.

Time-out!

The amazing

from emotion and problem

and white and calmly proceed

for

men

and acknowledging

and the deep kind of love

to his dying breath.

sexes has

advancing and

romance and the wonder

celebrating the

how

it

would

free

you

suspicious. Less anxious to rule

to be

to

more gracious

and more inclined

to

178

How

inspire.

ITiis is

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

when we

are liberated to

Women Make

walk

in the very nature

that

who is so gracious because He rests in the knowledge He is God whether we ever accept Him as such or not. He

will

not be robbed or devalued

of God,

how amazing He our is

lives to

is.

He

will

still

we

if

be

God

Him. Nothing and no one

and who He always

will be. This

acknowledge

don't see or

even

takes

if

we

don't submit

away from who He

should be your mind-set. You

have nothing to prove. You are beautiful. Intelligent. Fruitful.

A good thing.

Nurturing. picture?

Shall

I

go on or do you

finally get the

Who you are who you've always been whether anyone is

ever recognizes

it

or not! Begin to

own

that

woman

that

you look

at in the

mirror and understand that no one can diminish the

greatness

you harbor within but yourself

The

lie

that this

all

Those

who

stand

live in fear will

required.

is

it

a man's

world has

the horrible things that

citing

than

is

Why

instead. I'm

women

men do

to

rebelling while

dominate women.

always rule with

far

more

strength

be surprised by that? Choose to under-

reminded of a

line in the

movie The Stepford

men who were bent on turning their wives into robots, said, "When women decided to become men, men decided to become gods. Whew! That is deep. People always try to contain what they fear. Remember that. So how do we disarm the enemy? By taking the fear factor out Wives.

Mike, the ringleader of the

"

of the relationship. By being a partner, a supporter, and a confidante.

By causing

his heart to trust in you, like the

in Proverbs 31. Stop fighting the

come

being a doormat.

It is

tion to be blessed. at

with pay, correct?

not about

is

the vehicle for putting yourself in the posi-

What happens when you submit

work and do what

woman

whole submission thing and

of understanding that submission

to the place

safe

you've been asked to do?

You

to

your boss

get rewarded

What happens when you submit

to the law

Number Nine

Mistake

and stop

at a red light?

by oncoming

You

179

are saved the devastation of being hit

Laws

traffic, right?

are put in place for

our

safety.

Rules are set in place to create order. Order and safety create an

environment all

God

and be

for people to flourish

wants for

all

of

us.

But

if

blessed.

And

that

is

the devil can keep confusion

going, he will. Just so this

whole submission thing

gets

put in perspective,

the Bible states that wives should submit to their

(Ephesians 5:22). is

Not anyone

not your husband; however,

else's

—

if you

are

of

is

God

is

The

that

work

we

all

when you become

together. Life

some

One

last

is

why

a wife.

the blanket clause in the

work here

is

go with the one

who Word

is

not a contest;

We are all

who

is

gifted

Honor one another and

are trying to accomplish.

help along the way.

other

difficult to

should submit to one another (Ephesians

principle at

what you

going to be

nothing more than cooperating with those

on your team. This

5:21). in

it is

shp into automatic submission

Submission

own. Your boyfriend

cannot exhibit a team-player

attitude during the courtship phase, just

their

own husbands

it is

a journey that requires

in this thing together, so cut each

slack.

thought on

this

matter for

when you

cross over the

threshold of singleness into marriage. Ladies, you do your hus-

band

a serious disservice if you decide that

knows

best in the relationship

to his leadership.

displeasure,

and you

You put him

which

you

are the

one who

are not going to

submit

in the position to reap

seriously hinders

him from being

God's

blessed.

This has a trickle-down effect to you, and in the end you rob yourself

Remember poor Adam in reaped her own consequences

the

Garden of Eden? Though Eve

for her afternoon snack,

chastised for listening to her. After that he

had

to

Adam was

work hard

in

How

180

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

the fields to care for himself and his family.

manhood. His

the place that affirms his is

to prove his

worth

a large part of

to struggle even

to his

more

if

mandate from God

his

direction

you move

This does not do. If you

Most men have

woman. You put him

you

are not

as

he struggles

in the position

empowering him

you and be responsible

that

you do not

how you

helpmeet

a

right way,

your

position yourself

man

day

—minus

if he is

for

will

examine your part his life

is

You

not just invite it

must

you

are in that man's

him. The confidence that you are needed

attitude.

not the

for the

and the posture you take

in the confidence that

by him should make you want opinion

fulfill

get to have your say.

but honor your opinions and thoughts on things, but

life as

to

in as a couple.

mean

toward him. Walk

a fear

failure or success in the

what defines him

to cover

do things the

begin with

mmmm

A man's field or workplace is very much

of not being productive.

marketplace

Women Make

to gently

and graciously give your

And remember

man you

that at the

end of the

think he needs to be, then you must

in that calculation because

your presence

in

supposed to make him a better man. So get on your job,

girlfriend! Practice begins

brothers in your

life.

now with

the

men who are friends and And

Celebrate them. Celebrate yourself.

celebrate the difference

you make

in

one another's

lives.

Mistake

Number Nine

181

etting Real

o What

are the things that

you celebrate most about being a

woman?

Ce

What

are

Cc

What

is

your greatest struggles with being a

your view of submission?

How

helped you in various situations such

as

has this hurt you/

work and

ships?

CsL^-

In what ways can you add to a man's

woman?

life?

relation-

How

182

Number

to

Be

Ten:

Timing

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Patient

everything. For everything there

is

time to connect.

A

time to

things simmer.

let

the deal. In each of these phases you to

make

push!

Women Make

things happen.

Be

must be

a season,

is

A

A

time to close

careful not to try

available to the possibilities but don't

Women have become so aggressive

it's

hard to separate the

appropriate from the inappropriate, and yet there

is

a thin line

between being proactive and too forward.

we

If

truly trust that

God

question begs to be asked: occurs in our

Isn't

He Lord

over everything that

including bringing the right

life,

world? As you,

reigns over our destiny, then a

He

ordered of the Lord just as

happen upon that

into our

Ruth, go about the business of living and

like

where you have been planted,

flourishing

man

X

that

can't

your steps be

has promised so you, like Ruth,

marks the spot

in the Spirit for that

not-so-much-by-chance meeting with Mr. Right? But of course!

And

even

girl,

and

and

let

when you say,

see

him checking you

"Patience, patience... take

him come

safe to

slow now."

it

to you. If you're with a

separate yourself from the it's

out, talk to yourself,

crowd and smile

approach. Most

men

Sit

back

group of women, nicely so he

knows

don't like approaching a group

of women and becoming a victim of their perusal trying to get the attention of one of them.

when

they are

Remember, they

fear

rejection.

Go

ahead.

but do not

Have wonderful,

initiate the

light conversation.

Be

interested

next step. If he wants to pursue you,

he will ask for a way to contact you. "Patience, patience." gives

game

you

his card

and you

give

him

begins. "Patience, patience."

every time

it

rings, girl.

two, don't you

call

him.

yours...

Do

Simmer down! It's

Now

jump

He

the waiting

at the

phone

If he hasn't called

by day

not

his job to initiate contact.

He

is

the

Mistake

Number Nine

183

hunter; you are the game. "But, Michelle, what

number!" Well,

if it is to

Lord, you will run into

a

man

me

tell

at a

you

he

my

lost

be and your steps are ordered of the

him

taken better care of your card Let

if

again. Otherwise, he should have if it

a little story to

was important

show you what

He handed me

function once.

to him. I

met

his business card

and

mean.

I

me to call him. By the time I recovered he was gone. A woman seated at the table with me turned to me and said, "Give me one of your cards." "Why, I just gave you one," answered. She said, "I am going to give him your card because I know you asked

I

won't card,

him. Lve read your books!"

call

which she then gave

I

laughed and gave her the

to him, advising

not hear from him for two days.

him

to call

On the third day

I

me.

I

did

received a call

man who had purchased the table at the function I attended. She informed me that this man had called their offices frantically trying to find me because he had lost my card! I gave her permission to pass my number on to him. He

from the

assistant

of the

promptly called and invited I

me out to

will say, "Patience, patience." If that

know

an amazing dinner. Again

man

really

you, he will track you down, girlfriend.

wants to get to

And

that

is

what

you want. So you go out. You have likes

Let's see if he

always reminds is

is

start

Let's see if

Watch and

consistent.

like

him.

He

wait. Don't get too

My mentor Bunny Wilson

me that "patience is the tool that uncovers deceit."

where you coast and

time to

see

where you end up.

Now is not the

planning wedding colors and naming your children.

he can

calling constantly,

out.

wonderful time. You

you. "Patience, patience."

happy yet.

This

a

last

past the microwave express stage. If he's

you must pace him so he

You do not want him

to start habits

doesn't

burn himself

he cannot maintain.

He

How

184

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

only become overwhelmecl and

will

keep up and

about

feels guilty

So now he passes the

and

fizzle

Women Make out because he can't

it.

He's proven that he

test.

come

consistent. "Patience, patience." There will

when he might draw back

he thinks

in fear if

too deep. Should this occur,

let

him go and

intentional

is

a

time

he's getting in

on

wait, but not

him. Wait on the Lord to reveal what's next or deal with him or both. Wait.

The man must do the business of stepping up

the plate and closing the deal. his intentions are if

he

is

to

You can ask questions on what

attempting to monopolize

time without voicing his intentions. You

of your

all

can't afford to give

your

time or yourself away without knowing what you are investing in

and/or

if

you

will

have a return on your investment.

Ask but don't push. Just

him know that you

let

toward him and you need to

know

express feelings of love before him!

You were

to be a receiver.

him

to

do the

if

your heart

is

vulnerable

Do

safe.

Remember, you were

not

created

created to respond to his love. Allow

calling until

he makes

it

clear that

and then you should

exclusive relationship

feel

still

you

are in an

keep

it

down.

Ever notice about the time you get comfortable with calling he begins to behave strangely? If you want to be taken for granted, all

you have

to

do

is

become too

aggressive or too available. In

order to maintain your value, be available but not easy access.

This also means no overdoing

and nurture, but

give

make

a

reciprocate

and

much work

of you.

either

gifts, etc.

We are wired to

a time for everything. This area can is

a player,

and then he

A nice guy might feel

he

now

will

has to

match or top what you have done. This

for him. Unless

ship and he has gifts

is

on

guy uncomfortable unless he

just take advantage

too

there

it

shown

you

are secure in

your relation-

displays of affection with

and such, hold back on

this one.

The

is

impromptu

greatest gift

you can

Number Nine

Mistake

ever give

him

and

a great listener will feel

he has

As long

yourself.

is

all

as

you nurture the

and inspiring

a fun

185

the gifts he needs

woman

speaks

the deal. This

first loses

to be around,

wrapped up

In the world of business, the rule of thumb

I

am

Now, here

is

he

in you.

who

the person

is

important to remember. Keep

is

made

the declarations of love to yourself until he has tions clear.

of being

art

his inten-

the one caveat to this whole principle.

not giving you license to have patience forever.

am

I

not

advocating the looooong drawn out relationship that takes years

of

to resolve. First purity,

and you

all,

it

I

the process of the time

it

move on

on

From

at first sight.

mind

drawn out

after

to

right away.

is

the key to living

and

A man knows in his spirit

it

to

man

So there

where he

two years what he wants

this

a friendship,

relatively early in the relationship, if

relationship

be found by someone

Though

form

every discussion with a

he just doesn't want to do

compro-

will

talking about having patience in

takes to meet,

most knew

this subject,

the long

am

to intentional courtship.

what he wants from you not

be hard to maintain walking in

run into other problems that

will

mise your relationship.

then

will

still

is

that I've

no excuse

for

make up

his

can't

do with you. He knows;

with you. The truth will

else

who

sees

had

you

free

it is

also

set

your value. Next!

one of the hardest things

to master,

and loving from a position of power.

We were

not created to be desperate by any stretch of the imagination.

God

calls

Patience

worth. self.

is

us to master our hearts, our

on notice

a sign that puts others

When you know your worth,

You walk

Mike Murdock are celebrated

says

and

and not

I

if

you don't have

they don't. As

agree,

you know your

that

in the expectancy that others see

your value. Too bad for them

our everything.

lives,

"You need

to

sell

your-

and understand

wisdom

to

teacher

go where you

just tolerated." Patience waits for the

How

186

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

dust oi euphoria to

settle,

the land to see if this

based on

first

and then

the place

is

impressions, but

own

helps

you

later.

Sometimes the shame

to

realize

carefully assesses the lay of

would

is

You

the

way

Not

regret

greater than the pain of a love

you did not conduct yourself with slowly.

decision out of fear, anger, or passion. Wait

make

remain.

make moves you may

wisdom. So hold your breath and exhale

always

like to

on the scenery over time. Patience

yourself and not

gone wrong when you

it

Women Make

Never make a

on the Lord.

He will

clear.

haven't been this far to even try any of this out? "Patience,

patience."

of time.

Your day

And

trust

will

me.

come. Not a day

It

will

late,

or a

moment

be sooo worth the wait.

out

Mistake

Number Nine

187

etting Real

Qi In

what ways have you been impatient

ships?

Cc

your past

allay

relation-

the outcome?

What fuels your impatience? What do you would

Co

What was

in

your

What

fears?

How important is

o What makes you

fear losing?

being in control to you?

feel

most out of control?

factor into the equation

when you

feel this

How way?

does

God

.

188

How

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Women Make

nearl of ike wise inclines

io ike rigki,

bui ike keari of ike jool io ike {(Occlesiasles 10:2/ SOLOMON, a

man

of

unsurpassed wisdom,

commenting on

true

wisdom.

leji

A/TictaVp

Number Ten

G^iYina

m md mYtna

in

.

(/^j/ {mkhht^ dii{

She was

a single girl,

idiid..

young and impressionable when she

found herself thrust into the midst of other

women

all

vying for

man. As others around her used

the attention of one

all

their

wiles to capture his heart, she stayed true to herself. Perhaps he

noticed her authenticity because in the end she was chosen. She

won

the favor of all around her with her quiet beauty

countenance. Later, threatened,

it

when

was she

port, defeating her

who

and godly

the lives of her people were being

served her husband and

enemy quietly. Not only was

won

his sup-

the safety of her

people secured, the heart of her husband safely trusted in her. Esther finished well. (Look again at Esther's story in the

book

of Esther.)

He was He had

single.

A long way from home with abuse in his past.

suffered at the hands of those

greatest allies

—

his brothers. Yet in the

with very different morals and a

been taught to

revere,

who

should have been his

midst of a foreign

lifestyle that

opposed

all

society,

he had

he stood firm. In the face of overwhelming 191

How

192

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

to

When

temptation he maintained his purity. a

woman, he

scorned

and blessed with save his nation ones, passing well. (See

He

a wife

and died with dignity

on blessings

died.

He

sons.

in the presence

rose

up

to

of his loved

to the next generation. Joseph finished

God and

deliver her people

and prayer

promise in her

was

for seven years

their suffering.

daily, trusting that

lifetime.

And

her hus-

most incredible baby boy

the

Chosen One. She

felt as if her

God would

deliver the this

The mother was holding and she knew

journey was

finally

He was

completed.

to witness this sight.

prophesied over the child, her joy was

ished well. (See

So she gave herself to

in her arms,

She had waited more than 70 years

God and

One who would

then one day there they were,

in the temple.

the

He was

when

serving His people in the temple.

to see the Messiah, the

from

young couple standing

praising

his expectations

She never remarried. Instead, she chose to spend

greatest desire

fasting

above

Genesis chapters 37—50.)

her time seeking

Her

far

and two beautiful

She had only been married

band

kept the faith and in the end

He was promoted

chance came.

wrongly accused by

did not grow defensive or bitter through

the harsh injustice he suffered. his

Women Make

fiill

As she

and she went her way

sharing the good news with others.

Anna

fin-

Luke 2:36-38.)

thirtyish, passionate,

with a

lot

give.

Some

He was

weird

of love to

were drawn to His gentleness. Some thought that

Number Ten

Mistake

Him

while others found rejected,

loving,

Him

charismatic.

and betrayed, and yet He never

and when asked

He

so badly.

to lay

1

He

was misunderstood,

lost

hope, never stopped

down His life for those who treated

He

gladly did so.

stayed focused

He

paying the dowry to redeem His bride.

about the accused.

He

cost.

He

is still

bitter;

He

He was

And of how long He

gracious to the end.

has remained faithful. Jesus finished well. (See

14:1-3.)

Throughout the Bible men and comparable

in situations

We

goal,

defend Himself when wrongly

didn't try to

never grew

on the

never complained

waiting to claim His bride. In spite

has waited.

John

He

93

can

contest

all relate

when

it

to

themselves

our contemporary circumstances.

to feeling as if we

comes

women found

to being

were in an unending beauty

chosen by a man.

Or

perhaps

experienced a brief respite of happiness with someone, only to

have them taken away prematurely through death or choosing to depart.

Maybe

you've found yourself in conditions that are

not of your choosing, where you question your

how you ended up where you

are.

own

choices or

Perhaps you are dealing with

the jealousy of loved ones or coworkers and feeling as

if you will

break under their unnecessary barbs and attitudes.

The if you

pressure of life can weigh heavy

have to go

you don't and

it

alone.

really get

feel as

When even those who are walking with

you or your

yet our examples

on you when you

show

vision.

us that

It

we

can be a lonely place,

don't have to give up,

slow down, or grow weary of cultivating and maintaining a rich single

life. It

really

is

about finishing well. Whether our desires or

expectations are

met or

personal stories.

We

not,

we

get to choose the ending to our

can edit in victory or

failure,

perseverance

or resignation, overcoming or survival. Every day of our lives get to choose

life

or death.

Make

we

decisions that invite blessing

194

How

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

or cursing into our

same

to live a

peace, joy,

and

life

lives.

Women Make

Single or married, the struggle

that brings pleasure to the heart of

fulfillment to ourselves

and

all

no matter what your circumstance, whether finish gracefully, finish stylishly, finish well.

we it

is

the

God and

encounter. So

changes or not,

Mistake

et's

Number Ten

stay strong to the end:

Cjii

List five things that

O'

What

things

would make

on the

hst are

you have? What could you

o^ How would you your

Ct.

195

live

your

perfect hfe to you.

wants versus needs? live

—and

life if

live well

What must

—without?

you never got what was on

list?

What

decisions can

finish well?

you make about your

life

in order to

Sofii-frnt:

Let's face

them

to,

Most

it.

things in

how we want them

want them

to.

life

to,

Most people have

don't

/^('nm hJ^ff

happen when we want

or where and with a story about the

whom we

one that got

away. Should circumstances rule our joy factor or our productivity?

we

I

think not! The challenge to flourish in spite of which pot

get planted in offers us an exciting opportunity to

outstanding citizens of the world and leave a

become

mark of excellence

whether we ever get married or not. I is

passionately believe that the secret to successful single living

truly to live every

How much

freer

day as

if you

were never going to get married.

would you be with the absence of desperation

or the perpetual timekeeper

on the mantel of your heart

tick,

tick, ticking

away? You could actually meet a nice guy and not

worry about

if he is a

his

company

for

potential

what

it's

moment and make them

husband or not and simply enjoy

worth. You would learn to rich, inspiring ones.

yourself to be surprised by joy! Because

live in

the

You would open

we do not know

the

we must decide how we are going to face our tomorrows. Will we run and not grow weary, walk and not faint, or will we go splat because we're not being served the dish we want right future,

now? Or worse

yet,

crawl across the finish line of

life

worse for 197

How

198

to

Women Make

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

wear because the track went somewhere we never anticipated?

May

encourage you to decide to finish well no matter what

I

your status

is

in life? This

something that you can control

is

simply by renewing your attitude.

When

the apostle Paul, who, by the way, was very single, was

writing a letter to one of his mentees and colaborers, Timothy,

he gave him some words of encouragement that all

profit

from

First,

he told Timothy,

in

may

look use

at

it.

who was

all

still,

you

desire, its voice

goes, if it

we need

fear,

it;

all it

takes

is

still,

listen to the

or even passion. These

and wisdom from presenting

of the argument in the war for your

that

Don't just keep

instructions. Don't allow yourself

are filters that usually screen reason

know

ladies.

to do, therefore be

God, and follow His

their side

might scream louder

walks like a duck, and quacks like

pushed over the edge by anger,

to be

Your

probably a duck! Emotions will never be accurate

indicators of what

voice of

1:6-7).

small voice that will caution you to take a second

As the saying it's

Timothy

Depending on how hungry you

your choice. Keep your head,

a duck,

we could

feeling quite alone at the

situations (2

deceive you at times.

are for the things that

than the

think

our single journey.

time, to keep his head in

heart

I

one wrong move

flesh.

By now you

to start an avalanche of

occurrences that can increase our pain and take us further away

from

all

that we've been longing for.

Next, Paul says, endure hardship (2 Timothy 1:8). Let's face it.

Life can be

life

rough whether you

are married or single.

When

my friend. What doesn't kill you not worse than you were. Know that

stinks just flip the fertilizer,

should make you stronger,

God

allows tests

and

trials to

prune us and purge away

all

the

He

has

various changes

and

things that are not conducive to showcasing the gifts

given you in their best

light. Life

and

all its

Mistake

seasons has a if

we

let

way of birthing

Use the pain

it.

Number Ten

to

and strength

maturity, grace,

mold you

in hardship to

in you.

grow from your experiences and become more

and productive because of what you learned

fruitful

in us

into a stronger

work out patience

person. Let the trying of your faith

Determine

199

of the struggle. If you think single

life is

married and have to persevere through

in the

hard, wait until trials

times two!

add richness

the time to develop character that can only

midst

you get

Now to

is

your

marital experience.

Paul

Timothy

tells

4:5). Well,

sador for

do the work of an evangelist

to

are

an ambas-

matter what your profession or

life

path.

evangelist, but

are a living, walking representative of God.

God

well

by

living

your

excel in every area of your First,

do the work

spiritually.

Pray.

Keep your connection

when

there are

the

work

it

Rep-

takes to

life

fill

for devotion.

yourself with not just

and encouragement

to

God

and

for each day.

strong. This will carry

you

Worship. Learn to celebrate

to hold you.

God's goodness in your

Do

Take the time

Word and

strength,

no arms

well.

basis.

life.

Center yourself. Read the

wisdom but comfort,

life

You

Work it out. Work it

out by being the best you that you can be on a daily resent

Timothy

you

you might not be an

God no

(2

revel in the joy that this sort

of

intimacy with your Creator brings. Fellowship with others. Get involved at church or in

some organization where you have

the

opportunity to serve others. Practice being a part of family and

community.

Do you

the

work

physically.

You

get

one body. Take care of it.

don't like exercise, find something to

strong.

Watch your

diet.

Do

this as

your body the place where your soul

Holy

Spirit.

Wlien you

do

to

keep your body

unto the Lord. Not only lives, it is

invite guests to

If

is

the temple of the

your home, don't you

How

200

want

to look

it

stay.

works

Do

Knowing

Go

good. Represent well.

as

if

you

working

are

best

a fulfilling feeling.

is

body of Christ. Make us look

Do

work

the

Work joyfully. God

gives us

takes to go to the next

it

Promotion doesn't just happen;

focused.

gave you so that

not just about you. You represent the Lord

it's

in the marketplace, as well as the

level.

best,

the extra mile. Strive to be excel-

done your

that you've

that

Work

professionally.

Lord Himself

Remember

God

that

your

feel

you and not against you.

work

the

for the lent.

for

you must

to visit

make Him

the w^ork to

In order to look your best

body

come

Spirit has

Do

inside of you.

so take the time to nurture the it

Holy

best? Well, the

its

and take up residence enjoy His

Women Make

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

to

earned. Be diligent. Be

it is

all

the

power

to get wealth,

but you've got to do the work in order to tap into the abundance that awaits you.

Remember, He

glorified

is

when you

but you've got to do the work. Success happens nity meets preparation. Success focus.

Do

Do

the work.

the

work

emotionally.

you can partner with open

to give

and

God

is

No

one

else

you've never been hurt.

can

You

you

it

rid

Get counseling

someone you can you have

to

do

if you

need

trust to tell

to.

before.

To

love as if

you the truth

Hand over

feel.

all

in the

Hold yourself accountable

but... do the work.

but come clean.

of the

get to decide your emotional destiny

where you've been and how you to,

and

permission to have

by adjusting your responses to what you have experienced past.

Only

free.

your decks. Get

you never have

like

set

to be emotionally free, whole,

receive love. Clear

To hope

when opportu-

maintained by diligence and

baggage. Rinse off your heart and give a fresh start.

succeed,

Get

in love.

real.

Do whatever

Get honest about if you

need

are harboring to

God

Confess, repent

that

you

to

Mistake

and allow

Him to wash you with all

Then dare

Do hear.

Number Ten

201

the tears you've cried before.

to begin again.

the

work

relationally.

Take the time

to

Take the time

and

to listen

really

respond not out of your wants, but out of

the other person's need. Practice the regimen of true love, kindness, patience, bearing all things,

and hoping

for even better.

Uh-huh, you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about stretching.

Doing

the work... weeping with those that weep.

Bearing the infirmities of the weak. Dying to

Considering

self.

others above yourself. Submitting one to the other. .sounds like .

a lot of work, doesn't

These character

traits

don't

I

thought you wanted to be married!

happen overnight. They come from

Now is

lifetime of practice. If you don't

But

it?

the perfect time to begin.

do the work now, you

more

the labor might be

will

do the work

God

presents

you

by God. Joining the unavailability of is

and be a

Timothy

is

coffee klatsch at

it

his

min-

a platform

touching people wherever you're placed

work to complain about

good men and how miserable

not ministry and

gift to the

fulfill

Timothy 4:5). Ministry is not just standing on

preaching. Ministry

and

to.

In the same breath Paul advises that istry (2

later,

intensive because another person will be

involved. Learn to master these skills alone

one

a

certainly doesn't separate

of the world. But possessing genuine joy

it is

to be single

you from the

as a single

the

rest

person and

rejoicing in your love affair with the Lover of your soul gives

you

a

others

powerful platform to share that same peace and joy with

who

are struggling for validation

and affirmation. Step

out of yourself. Sense and respond to the needs around you and feel

to

the fulfillment that

—be

do every day

someone

comes from doing what you were created

a light.

A

beacon of hope. The reason that

feels better. Tries harder.

Dares to exercise their

faith.

How

202

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Doesn't give up. After

that

all,

don't need to be married to

Sometimes stay

it

will

is

Women Make

why you are really here, and you

do any of the above.

be a fight to keep your head above water. To

above the peer pressure. The biological clock pressure. The

hormonal

pressure.

The media

pressure.

Even the church

pres-

sure that says "You've got to get married now. You're nothing if

you don't have someone. Your best years

are passing

you

You

by."

down all those lies and silence the voices without and that try to make you believe that you are unable to live

have to cast within

your best it

life

takes to

right now. Fight for

your

joy.

Fight the good fight

overcome negative mind-sets and low

self-esteem,

and

don't settle for less than God's best for you. Fight to stay strong, to stay pure, to

remain steadfast on the journey. You are going to

have to fight to finish well. The enemy of your soul

will

hand the

an Olympic

you on

victory over to

you

medalist,

will

a silver platter. Like

not just

have to use everything you have to move

forward and claim the ultimate prize before reaching eternity,

which

is

Things worth having never come

a life well lived.

Fight to keep hope

alive.

God's timing for your order to finish well. tunately, I

life

demands

He knows

you don't have

all

in school. Little did

surprise party for

Imagine

my

me.

I

I

that

the plans

the details.

thought everyone had forgotten

was

my

I

you keep the

He has recall

became more

when

incredible

my

bad attitude

all

day the celebration was unleashed. Can you imagine

we

look to

as

we go

kicking and screaming through

completely unaware of all the wonderful blessings

up

for us?

Keep the

faith.

soooo worth the wait.

Trust His timing, and

How we

wait

is

up

to us.

I

day went on.

surly as the

of

Unfor-

moping because

birthday one year

in spite

faith in

for you.

know they were planning an

embarrassment when

God

easy.

He has

know

We

it

how life,

stored will

be

can either

Mistake

down on

sit

life,

get busy serving

them

manifests

Decide

now

cross

our

Number Ten

and

legs,

God and man

that

you

He

felt

(1

that

felt

was

Timothy

A\7).

at the

and

I

just picture

end of the

us.

was

find

interesting

it

was better to be single than mar-

it

world

him

at large.

life

and

joy, peace,

his letters to the

about living a holy

just as passionate

life,

I

church

with them.

his passion for sharing the gospel

to be reckoned with to the his

His plans and

reveals

died a single man, and yet there was a

he shared

we can

he had done everything he

contentment that resonated throughout as

.

are going to finish the course, Paul

do

to

same man

He

.

accordance with His perfect plan for

in

had been put here

ried.

wait. .and wait. .or

until

able to proudly proclaim that he

that this

203

and being

This totally

He

a force

consumed

folding his hands across his chest

day, totally satisfied that

he had accomplished

something of import for God.

When you

leave this earth,

no one

going to

is

comment on

your mate. They are going to comment on whatever legacy of

works you

on the

left

lives

now to

behind. Determine

of all you encounter. Finishing your course

rounding the bend and finishing the journey. the course that lessons

God wanted you

and determine

to get

is

this:

God

loves you.

to get

ever

you

if

you

get married.

you choose

He

embrace

It is

how

it.

will

life.

an "Incomplete" learn in

has a plan for your

God has

marry or not, to

Complete the

you can

plan includes His best for you and His timing

Whether you

not just

an "A" on the paper of your

their paper because the greatest thing

simply

is

about finishing

It's

to learn as well.

Those who don't surrender are destined

on

profound mark

leave a

is

life.

life

That

always perfect.

fulfillment in store for

The question

you spend the

is

not

rest

when

of your

will life

regardless. If you

were told you only had a week to

live,

would marriage

How

204

be on your

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

list

oi priorities?

Dare

Women Make

to have a fabulous journey

enjoying the scenery more than desperately looking for any set destination. will miss

You

will arrive

along the

appreciate

all

that

way

God

soon enough, and oh the sights you

if you

don't take the time to admire

Tomorrow

is

a full-blown adventure. Live

it

has placed on your path.

not promised, so

make today

with

you can muster and

all

When

the gusto

all is

said

and done, you,

rich, full existence,

incredible

life

learn your lessons well.

like Paul, will

depend on anyone

though they certainly added a measure of joy there.

And

that,

look back on a

breathe deeply, and give praise to

that did not

my sister,

is

and

else to

to

God

for

complete

an it,

what was already

called truly arriving.

Mistake

Number Ten

205

i^^ttingRml Cl.

In what ways have you allowed your emotions to lead your decisions before?

O^What

areas of

What was

your

life

you apply yourself to

Cl»

What faith?

O^ What

is

do you need

to

work on?

How

will

discipline in these areas?

the greatest area of struggle for you in the area of

How can you strengthen yourself in

lesson

do you

will this affect

Ol^

the outcome?

your

feel that

life

this area?

God wants you

when you

finally

to learn?

absorb

it?

How will you fulfill your ministry on a daily basis?

How

206

How

to

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Women Make

C/ nave jougki ike good jignt,

C/ nave jinisnea

me

race,

C/ nave kepi ike jaiin (2 cJimoiky, 4-7 PAUL, reflecting

on what was

truly

important.

Ending Secrets

101 Ways

the Search for Mr. Right

ofan

to

Irresistible

Woman

Get and Keep His Attention

What to Do

Until Love Finds You

IfMen Are Like Buses, Then

How Do I Catch

One?

The Unspoken Rules of Love Sassy, Single,

and Satisfied

In Search of the Proverbs

To contact Michelle McKinney Log on

to:

Man

31

Hammond

michellehammond.com

Or write HeartWing

to:

Ministries

P.O.Box 11052 Chicago, IL 60611

To

find out

more about how

Getaway, log on

to:

to attend a

Diva Weekend

thedivaprinciple.com

if there's a secret

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keep you single and ruin your self-esteem? Have you ever

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Moke your

How

to

your own

Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single

Women

looks at the real top-ten mistakes that can impact

security, peace, happiness,

Bestselling author Michelle a

to

and even your love

McKinney Hammond

compassionate, down-to-earth, and very

how women can hanging on putting

takes

look at

avoid

to attitudes that

on hold

life

real

until a

compromising standards

making choices

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men away

completes the picture

in order to secure

that lead to pain

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missing the value of each immediate season of Biblical

wisdom,

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life.

insightful questions,

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real-life solutions

who's been there help you examine your

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romance, finances, your biological clock, and your future.

Michelle

who

McKinney Hammond,

a writer, singer,

and speaker

focuses on improving love-driven relationships,

is

the

founder and president of HeartWing Ministries as well as the cohost of the is

Emmy-nominated show

i'--

Michelle

the bestselling au

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A

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