Hippo Eats Dwarf: A Field Guide to Hoaxes and Other B.S. 0156030837, 9780156030830

Table of contents :
Cover
Title
Contents
Introduction
1. Birth
2. Bodies
3. Romance
4. Food
5. Photography
6. The World Wide Web
7. E-mail
8. eBay
9. Technology
10. The News
11. Entertainment
12. Advertising
13. Business
14. Politics
15. War
16. Death
Acknowledgments
Index
Back Cover

Citation preview

ATLANTA-FULTON PUBLIC LIBRARY

RDiD'i? sma*!

Digitized by the Internet Archive in

2017 with funding from

China-America

Digital

Academic

Library

(CADAL)

https://archive.org/details/hippoeatsdwarffiOOboes

4

Orhndo

Austin

uiigmi !

Ne.

York

Hsrcourt,

Sun Diego

Toror^,,

Copyright

No

All rights reserved.

or transmitted in

©

2006

by Alex Boese

part of this publication

may be reproduced

any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,

including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval

system, without permission

writing from the publisher.

in

Requests for permission to make copies of any part of the work should be mailed to the following address; Permissions Department, Harcourt,

6277 Sea

Harbor Drive, Orlando, Florida

Inc.,

32887-6777.

www.HarcourtBooks.com

Library of

Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Boese, Alex.

Hippo eats dwarf:

a field guide to

hoaxes and other b.s./Alex Boese.

p. I

.

cm.

Impostors and imposture.

HV675I.B63

00 .9'5-dc22 1

ISBN-

13;

978-0- 15-603083-0

Text set

in

in

I.

Title.

2006

2005026349 ISBN-

10:

0-15-603083-7

Bernhard Gothic

Designed by

Printed

2. Fraud.

April

Ward

the United States of America

First edition

ACEGIKJHFDB

f

To Beverley

.

r

i

n

t

xi

1

-I

a

i

4

'

I

r L

Contents Introduction

1

.

Birth

1

5

2.

Bodies

21

3.

Romance

39

4.

Food

63

5.

Photography

84

6.

The World Wide Web

96

7.

E-mail

114

8

eBay

128

Technology

135

10.

The News

147

II.

Entertainment

166

12.

Advertising

184

13.

Business

207

14.

Politics

228

15.

War

250

16.

Death

259

Acknowledgments

273

Index

274

.

9.

o

Intriiduction We

live in a I

don't

hippo-eats-dwarf world.

mean we

live in a

world

which

in

attacks by hungry hippos (at least not to

we

live in a

world

that's fake

little

people suffer constant, vicious

my knowledge). What mean I

and growing faker every day,

in

that

is

increasingly bizarre

ways. For the past decade versions of the following news clipping have circulated around the world:

A

circus dwarf,

nicknamed Od, died recently when he bounced sideways

from a trampoline and was swallowed by a yawning hippopotamus waiting to appear

in

the next act. Vets said Hilda the Hippo's gag reflex caused

More

her to swallow automaticafly.

applaud wildly

News,

periodically, kept alive

tria;

it

reappears

in print

again.

is

that

story's original reporting

when contacted the Sun they I

one version the

In

is

it's

point

was mistaken

it

resurfaces

for

whenever

circus

is

located

Aus-

in

reported, the tale

it's

is

almost definitely not.

often credited to the Las Vegas Sun, but

could find no record of

pect the Hippo Eats Dwarf tale was

some

It

by the Internet (that vast repository of weird informa-

presented as fact. The catch

The

the Manchester Evening

in

and the Sydney Daily Telegraph.

another, northern Thailand. But

in

spectators continued to

news item has been reported

Thailand's Pattaya Mail,

tion) until

1000

they realised the tragic mistake.

until

This sensational

than

first

it in

their archives.

I

sus-

invented, years ago, as a joke. At

news and thus began

its

career as bogus fact.

Credit goes to the Daily Telegraph for dreaming up the headline HIPPO EATS

DWARF

in

for the

1999, helping to

term

the phrase as

pulls its

fuel the tale's popularity.

up hundreds of

(c) masquerading as

We

A

band

in

New

a

Google search

Zealand even adopted

name.

The hippo-eats-dwarf story

ern world.

hits.

Nowadays

live in

real.

is

(a)

bizarre,

(b) almost

certainly fake, and

This set of attributes describes quite a lot

an age

in

which you can rent an imaginary

in

the mod-

girlfriend for

a month, find instructions on the Internet for growing a "bonsai kitten

in

a jar

Hippo Eats Dwarf

(a hoax), and buy what

is

gum on

supposedly Britney Spears's used chewing

eBay.

To say that

we

live in a

fake or hoaxy age, or that "we

(as the director Michael Moore put

it),

surrounds weirdness of the pervasive phoniness that fake or phony.

Our world

us.

that.

Our world

Zoomout Moment,

just

isn't

nose, breastsociety that produces Michael Jacksons

Any

human-flavored tofu has enlarging mobile-phone ring tones, and

yond

times

justice to the full-blown

do

doesn't

live in fictitious

when

had no clue how things

The

Reality Index, n.:

well be-

hippo-eats-dwarf.

is

n.:

gone

you suddenly see the big picture and realize you

really are.

ratio of the

versus a real one. For instance, sus talking with friends.

time you spend

in

an unreal environment

how much time you spend watching

Coined by Kalle Lasn

TV

ver-

Culture Jam: The Uncool-

in

ing of America.

Living It's

in

a hippo-eats-dwarf world requires hippo-eats-dwarf survival

easy to lose your

way amid

Vanilli-like musicians, Internet

the bewildering array of Botox masks,

TV shows

hoaxes, and unreality

ing to convince us they're real.

skills.

Milli

constantly try-

Given the preponderance of fake

stuff and the

fact that reality itself has taken a turn for the weird, telling the difference be-

tween the genuine and the fake has become book comes

this

in. It will

hippos— or, to put the

line

between

Assembled

in

it

a constant challenge. That's

where

teach you the art of defense against dwarf-eating

another way,

how

to survive

in

an insane world

in

which

truth and fiction has completely blurred.

the following pages are thousands of examples of the hoaxes,

urban legends, spoofs, scams, advertising ploys, political doublespeak, and other forms of figure out

a

if

b.s.

that lurk

in

the modern world. Later,

a website selling dehydrated water

two-hundred-pound cat that

is

when

for real, or

just arrived in your in-box

is

you're trying to if

that photo of

genuine, these ex-

amples should provide some guidance on which to base your decision. reality rules for navigating

fine

the treacherous landscape of

new terminology— because

one hundred words

while Eskimos

may not

reality.

And

I

I

offer

also de-

actually have invented

for snow, twenty-first-century popular culture has definitely

Introduction

generated thousands of terms for I've

thrown

in

some

ity to differentiate

As you go

reality checks.

I

say hipposhit?).

along, use

them to

modern (un)reality

is

comprehensive.

ends with death, and covers just about everything

The

ing eBay.

Finally,

test your abil-

the authentic from the bogus.

This field guide to birth,

bullshit (or should

last thing

I

would want

is

for a reader to

in

It

begins with

between— includ-

be stuck

in

a reality jam

without some kind of guidance to be found within these pages. But inevitably there were examples

have space to include. Thanks to the Internet,

didn't

I

extra material has a place to

.com (or hippoeatsdwarf.com), where world on an ongoing basis (with a

munity of regulars and

how

lot

I

keep track of

website, museumof hoaxes all

the hoaxy things

in

the

of help from an always entertaining com-

visitors).

Reaiity-Based Community, rather than

my

home. Check out

call

this

n.:

they'd

Those who

like

to be.

it

prefer to view the world as

A

play

it

is,

on the term "faith-based

community."

Patina of the Real,

The

n.:

coarse, well-worn quality real things have, versus

the overly smooth, processed look of fake

There are some topics

this field

of the most famous hoaxes of

all

stuff.

guide doesn't cover. You won't find a survey

time.

The Piltdown Man, the Cardiff Giant,

the War of the Worlds panic broadcast, and other classic hoaxes are covered

my

first

book. The

Museum

in

of Noaxes. Nippo Eats Dwarf focuses entirely on

present-day popular culture. Similarly, while

pseudoscience, Bigfoot,

lacking a firm connection to reality,

long more

in

the genre of

don't discuss

error, superstition,

than deliberately fake things. frauds, or counterfeits,

I

I

UFOs,

them

here.

except for a few cases

These topics be-

much advice on spotting scams, in

which these criminal

activities

bizarre, or hippo-eats-dwarf-ness.

jority of the fake things discussed in this

may be

and unexplained mysteries, rather

also don't offer

have ventured into the realm of the

or belief in ghosts

book are not actually

The ma-

criminal. They're

just weird.

From

a sociological perspective, the question of

so hippo-eats-dwarf

is

an interesting one, but

why

that's

our world has

another topic

become I

dont

Hippo Eats Dwarf

4

address at length. However,

youVe asking,

if

with fakery for the following reasons. ing

Td say our culture has a love affair

going fake

First,

is

often more entertain-

and fun than always confronting the bitter truth O-^-/ the

side the Matrix

was

preferable to the real world outside it).

"People cannot stand too much

convenient than the

mass market.

We

reality."

afford to live

all

As

is

an important consideration

real thing,

cant

Second, fake stuff

but a

like royalty,

illusory

Carl

world

Jung

TV

producers, et al.)

promoting reasons. And, in

who

always want to

will

in this

age of the

of us can afford

lot

people have always faked

finally,

technology have allowed more of them to do

orate ways, propelling the

phenomenon

ber of works explore this subject Boorstins The Image:

b.s.

A Guide

in

more

politi-

the public for selfstuff,

but advances

more aggressive and elab-

it in

into the hippo-eats-dwarf zone. a

said,

cheaper and more

the facade of doing so. Third, theres a core group of people (advertisers, cians,

in-

scholarly

to Pseudo-Events

in

A

num-

fashion— see Daniel

America or Travels

in

Hyperreality by Umberto Eco. Philosophers might also

what

reality since

is

I

duck that loaded issue

want me to address the ontological question of

spend a

lot

entirely.

things are unreal that are not

wants us to believe they Finally,

I

change being I

provide

will

describe in

I

of time discussing what

stick

with the

what they seem to

not

reality.

But

simple principle that those be, or not

what someone

many websites throughout the book. However,

work, or

will

still

lead to

I

make no guarantee

where they once

did.

adult sites have a disconcerting habit of buying up discarded

And with these caveats out

that the

rapid

URLs

(Operators of

URLs.)

of the way, you're ready to begin.

Happy hippo

hunting.

Hyperreality,

ued

n.:

for their

The

I

are.

the nature of the Internet,

still

fairly

is

kind of reality fake things acquire

when they become

val-

own

sake, not merely as substitutes for real things In the words of Umberto Eco, when they become "authentic fakes." For Instance people often find holographic Images more interesting than the

obiects thej

represent. Likewise, a plastic Christmas tree decorated entirely with Elvis ornaments (such as the one my sister puts up every year) could be regarded as more authentic, in its own hyperreal way,

than a real tree.

'

Two thousand years ago,

women who had borne over

scholars recorded stories about

given birth to elephants and mothers

thirty

children

who had

^

(none of whom were elephants, i

thankfully).

We

may

think

weVe too sophisticated to

believe

4 t:

such tales today, but thats not so. Instead of elephant-bearing

women, modern legends have progressed .

human

to .

pregnant men, and online supermodel egg auctions.

.

clones, .

^

^

,

'i';;

Hippo Eats Dwarf

6

Reality rule I^Just

i.i

because a woman looks pregnant,

Foam-Pad Pregnancy, n .1 What you get when under her

doesn’t

it

woman

a

More

and claims to be pregnant.

shirt

mean she

stuffs

is.

I

some padding

generically,

any fake

pregnancy.

The Fake Pregnancy Scam You meet a pregnant says she ing

it

is.

aren't

How do

woman — one who

you know she

really

is

not only looks pregnant, but also

pregnant? The odds that she's fak-

very high. Unlike fake tattoos, fake tans, and fake

pregnant look

is

a fashion that's never

pen, the motivation

The scam goes

is

caught on.

When

the con

artist

is

For instance,

like this: a

child.

fake pregnancies hap-

woman

claims to be pregnant, then persuades an

become the proud parents

By the time the couple figures out what's going on,

long gone, looking for the next pair of suckers. in

early

2004,

ceiving at least three couples

authorities charged

who hoped

pregnant, but her heavyset build

made

Maya-Anne Mays with de-

to adopt her child.

Maya-Anne wasn't

her look like she was, and a recent mis-

carriage allowed her to test positive on a pregnancy exam.

were paying her as the

months

the fake

usually fraud, not fashion.

adopting couple to support her while they wait to of her nonexistent

hair,

rent (and food,

rolled by,

and

travel

money)

only

grew suspicious when,

Maya-Anne stubbornly declined

hindsight, her only mistake

was

sticking around for

The couples who

all

medical care.

In

too long.

you think a woman's growing belly owes more to foam padding than to a fetus, what can you do to verify your suspicions? Not much. That's the beauty If

of the scam. Start poking her stomach, and you open yourself up to charges of assault and battery. Ask that she subject herself to a medical examination, and shes well within her rights to refuse. The most reliable fake-pregnancydebunk-ng method is to wait nine months. If no baby appears, then you might consider your suspicions confirmed.

Birth

case file:

McGaw

Erin

Although most fake pregnancies are pulled off by con

artists,

occasionally

you come across a "fake pregnancy as fashion choice" or "fake pregnancy as

McGaw.

search project." Take the case of Erin Erins classmates at

re-

Penn Manor High could scarcely believe

some seventeen-year-old was pregnant. She was the

kind of

girl

this

whole-

who hung

out

after school with her church group, not with boys. But the evidence of her

growing belly was undeniable. And anyway, she said she was pregnant. But Erin wasn't. Early

2003

in fall

she had hatched a plan to fake a preg-

nancy as a way of completing a senior-year independent study project on development.

(Why

didn't

I

think of that?

It

child

would have beat my senior-year

study of nineteenth-century Romantic poetry hands down.) She imagined experiencing

how pregnant teenagers

are treated

in

our society and then re-

ported her findings at the school's year-end Festival of Learning. Her teacher,

Mindy Rottmund, approved the project and promised to keep Each week

Erin carefully stuffed a little

more padding

it

a secret.

into the swimsuit

she wore beneath her clothes. Pretty soon boys were commenting that she looked fat and

girls

were whispering behind her back that she must have had

a one-night stand. Erin found herself shunned by her peers, but she soldiered on, determined to complete her project. Even

when

her priest voiced concerns

to her family, she didn't give up. Erin could probably

what was master,

have gone for nine months without anyone

up, but after three

who

realizing

months Ms. Rottmund squealed to the head-

immediately called a halt to the whole thing and forced Erin to

confess to her classmates.

That should have been the end of

nancy bore

fruit

of a different kind.

it,

but one year later

A camera crew from MTV

Erin's

rolled into

and asked the entire high school to reenact what had happened so film

it

for

High School Stories: Scandals, Pranks

reprise her role,

town

MTV could

& Controversies. Erin didn't

though she did appear as an extra. Nevertheless, the school

got to witness the surreal spectacle of a

girl

pretending to be pretending to

be pregnant, while everyone around her pretended that they

was pretending.

fake preg-

didn't

know she

Hippo Eats Dwarf

o

Given

all

the pretending going on at Penn Manor High,

that a cynical and ugly rumor soon spread claiming

hoax— that

had actually been pregnant

Erin

to be pretending as a clusion.

There

Empsthy

is

way

to explain

away

all

it

was

its

not surprising

a

hoax within a

all

along and had only pretended

her condition and

its

sudden con-

absolutely no evidence to suf>port this rumor.

Bslly, n..

A

strap-on belly manufactured by BIrthways, Inc.

The

de-

vice simulates

pregnancy so that anyone (but particularly fathers-to-be) can

experience

the wonder and ioy of the symptoms expectant mothers feel,

all

including weight gain, shortness of breath, bladder pressure, backaches, fatigue, and, as the manufacturer promises, "much,

much more!"

Reality rule 1.2 1

Human women give

Pull a

Mary

Toft, V.;

birth to

To pretend to give

human babies.

birth to a

nonhuman

species.

The

phrase derives from the case of the eighteenth-century Englishwoman who claimed to have given birth to eighteen rabbits. It was only when a doctor

announced

his desire to

operate on her to examine her astounding uterus that Mary Toft admitted she was lying.

case file:

The Woman Who Gave Birth to a Frog

Imagine you're a news editor at the prestigious British' Broadcasting'cT porat.on and across your desk comes a story about a woman in Iran who has given birth to a frog. Details are sketchy, but an Iranian newspaper has theo rized that the woman picked up a frog larva while swimming in a dirty pool and that the larva then grew into an adult frog inside her body. What do you do with this story? Do you (a) leave it to the likes of Anano.a or the Weekly World News,, noting to yourself not only the possibility that the woman is

Birth

"pulling a

Mary

Toft," but also the story's similarity to a

legend, decades old, about a ting

girl

who gave

birth to a live

BBC

frog?

If

this

details

it,

then the answer, of course,

BBC

the

(b). The

is

BBC

really did

on June 27, 2004. After becoming the butt of jokes on

publish such a story

account of

publish the

website, accompanied by a picture of a surprised-looking

real life,

is

octopus after get-

Or do you (b)

octopus eggs inside of her while swimming?

story on the

well-documented urban

lapsed into a strange silence on the subject.

were forthcoming about the woman

Reality rule People

No more

or the frog.

1.3 make jokes about anything.

will

Even babies. Even dead babies.

Modest Proposal,

n.:

A

that uses as

satirical salvo

— babies.

few sacred cows

in

modern

as a substitute.)

A

few people always

culture

fail

its

J

ammunition one of the

(In a pinch, kittens can serve

to get the ioke, thereby making

the modest proposal a guaranteed controversy generator.

from Jonathan Swift's

1729

Children of Poor People or the Country,

made

in

satire,

A

Ireland

Modest Proposal

From Being

a

and For Making Them Beneficial

a case for the social

The term

derives

for Preventing the

Burden to

their Parents

to the Public,

in

which he

and economic benefits to be gained by feeding

the unwanted babies of the poor to the

rich.

Modest Proposals on the Internet While publishers might hesitate before printing nausea-inducing jokes about

dead babies, the Internet knows no related satire

is

restrictions.

The most disgusting baby-

always just a few mouse-clicks away.

What

follows

is

a sampling

of the tamer stuff

EatBabies.com: an Internet-based guide for cooking with babies, because

those

who want

to take Jonathan Swift up on his suggestion that the rich eat

Hippo Eats Dwarf

10

the children of the poor can't be expected to consume the delicacy raw.

Recipes at

this site include

Spicy Baby

Tortillas,

Baby Flambe, and, of course,

the ever-popular Baby Baby Back Ribs. ChrissyCaviar.com: a site where performance artist Chrissy

"human caviar"

for

sale— eggs harvested from her own body. She's

right? Unfortunately, no.

The human

contain one of Chrissy's eggs lightful delicacy

about as

it's

it if

art,

is

caviar

swimming

just for display.

(The

fine.) Chrissy also says she

is

quite

human

in

FDA

she actually were to start selling

it's

Conant offers

real.

Each

tubal fluid.

does

claims this de-

might have a few things to say

food— though

this stuff as

in

jar really

She

hopes Chrissy Caviar

pass Beluga caviar as the current ultimate

just joking,

luxury,

will

as long

one day

"sur-

consumable items." Here's

hoping that day never comes.

BabySmashers.com: a practical exploration of how the baby-changing stations that fold a

down from many

means of smashing the baby

Baby Smashers

wanted

babies.

public restroom walls can serve double

violently against the wall.

are an efficient, convenient, and fun

As the

way

duty as

site enthuses.

to dispose of un-

Visitors to the site can print out illustrations

and decals that

can then be pasted onto baby-changing stations to rebrand them as Baby Smashers. Thankfully the underlying purpose of the site is to expose, through satire,

how

unsafe the baby-changing stations can be.

Reality Check: Is

Foreskin Face Cream

there a brand of face cream

made from the

foreskins of circumcised infants?

The correct answer would be legend,

TNS

yes. Kind of.

Recovery Complex (the

TNS

Although

it

sounds

like

an urban

stands for Tissue Nutrient System)

does contain ingredients derived from the foreskins of circumcised infants. But if you're imagining foreskins ground up in a blender, that's not the case. Instead, foreskin cells are grown in a medium, and nutrients are siphoned off from

brew. The product was originally developed to help burn victims but eventually made its way into the beauty market. Reportedly it works quite this

Birth

Reality rule 1.4 Women

IBS

Men

give birth to children.

don’t.

This rule is subject to future revision.

Male Pregnancy Crazy Uncle Ed Should you

tell

calls to tell

your family the good news:

him he needs to start taking

ning the baby shower?

Is

his

pregnant!

medication again, or begin plan-

there a chance hes telling the truth?

Rumors of pregnant men have floated around you'll

Hes

for years,

and on the

Web

discover an entire subculture that fetishizes the idea of pregnant men.

But, to date, there's never

been

a scientifically

documented case of

a

man

"in

the family way."

Obviously a man could not get pregnant does.

way

the same

that a

woman

theory a surgeon could transplant a fertilized egg into a man's abdom-

cavity and then give the

inal

to

In

in

man female hormones

grow around and feed the developing egg.

would be

very, very difficult,

and there

In

to encourage blood vessels

practice, getting this to

whole

aren't a

lot

work

of research dollars

flowing into efforts to crack this problem.

During the 1960s Dr. Cecil Jacobson, a researcher at

George Washington

University Medical School, claimed he had successfully implanted a fertilized into a male

egg

baboon and allowed the egg to develop

terminating the pregnancy.

Of course.

any other scientists and never published for

it

that this happened. Since Dr.

Jacobson

Dr.

pregnating seventy-five patients with

his

might want to think twice before taking

didn't

word

show the baboon his

to

word

later arrested for secretly im-

own sperm

his

months before

so you have to take

his results,

Jacobson was

for four

for

at his fertility clinic,

you

it.

More recently the website malepregnancy.com purported to document the first

case of a man to bear a

video

clips

child.

Although the

and pictures of the father with

dreamed up by conceptual

Chen Huanran, based

artist Virgil

at the

child,

site it

Wong. But

was in

real

and featured

in reality

an art project

looked

2002

a Beijing doctor,

Chinese Academy of Medical Sciences,

recruit volunteers to participate in a "male

mother" study.

He

really did

said his goal

was

Hippo Eats Dwarf

12

to help transsexuals realize their dreams of giving birth.

As of

his last public

nouncement, he had four volunteers. So don't be too surprised

one day soon to the headline WORLD'S Ed, for

now

Milkman,

I'd

tell

A

n.; 1.

FIRST

him to get back on

man who earns

his

PREGNANT DAD. As

if

an-

you wake up

for crazy

Uncle

medication.

his living

by delivering milk. 2.

A

man whose

breasts produce milk, allowing him to breastfeed a child. Widely rumored,

seldom seen.

Reality Check; Can men

really

Male Lactation

produce milk from

by stimulating

their breasts

their nipples?

you surf the Internet you might stumble across sites waxing eloquent

If

about the joys of being a milkman (see definition).

Or you

the case of Mr. B. Wijeratne from

discovered after

death that he was able to breastfeed

vouch

is

that

The evolutionary

biologist Dr. Jared

met

how do men

is

a natural

way

chanical stimulation alone

is

Dr.

because

it

World War

II."

cases, since mechanical

very, very unlikely to

do the

will

more

in

trick.

most men me-

(So you can go

reliably trigger lacta-

interferes with the liver's ability to flush out excess

among

a real

the biological equipment

of releasing hormones." However,

Diamond writes that "thousands of cases

recorded

is

won't

unlock this hidden talent?

some

in

easy with the breast pumps, guys.) Starvation tion

I

Diamond notes that "mere repeated me-

chanical stimulation of the nipples suffices

stimulation

all

across

his wife's

him, but male lactation

men possess

necessary to produce breast milk. But

come

daughter. Are such claims real?

his

for Mr. Wijeratne since I've never

enough phenomenon. The fact

who

Lanka

Sri

might

[of

hormones

spontaneous lactation] were

prisoners of

But by

far

war released from concentration camps after the easiest way to make a man produce milk is to

ject him with female

hormones-though

pen to be a domesticated goat or

a wild

that

seems

Dayak

like

fruit bat,

cheating.

If

in-

you hap

you don't need any of Male members of these species produce milk relatively often and without any obvious external stimulus. Lucky them. these

tricks.

13

Birth

Reality rule

i.s

Extraordinary claims about advances

in

reproductive science

require extraordinary proof. Demonstration of the ability to bold a press conference does n ot constitute extraordinary proof.

^

Babytron,

n.;

An

artificial,

womb

out-of-body

supposedly being developed by

the Raelians, a quasi-religious group that believes humankind was genetically

engineered by space clones of ourselves

aliens.

in

Someday, the Raelians promise, we

will all

grow

Babytrons, download our memories into these clones,

The

existence of a Babytron

and thereby

live forever.

opment has

yet to be proved.

in

any stage of devel-

Phony Clones If

everything you hear at press conferences

clones are alive

in

its

releases heralded the delivery of anything Its possible that its

way

more than

kicking

The honor of the

and screaming into the world. So how

first

trait:

No one

is

air.

is

one to

will tell

thing? Simple. All phony

ever allowed to see them.

went

who startled

his

peers with

to David

news of a clone

1978. Rorvik was vague about the top-secret project that produced the

clone, but he

was

willing to say

funded by an eccentric netic match, couldn't

it

took place on a faraway tropical island and was

millionaire

codenamed Max. The

be introduced to the

the claim because of concerns about the that everyone simply take his

must have seemed

about the world's it

real

birth-of-a-human-clone announcement

Rorvik, a respected science journalist

about

a load of hot

by the time you read these words a true human clone

clones share a distinctive

It

then sixteen human

doubtful that any of these press

the difference between a phony clone and the

birth in

true,

the world— one for each time the birth of a clone has been

announced to the media. But, of course,

have made

is

first

like

human

QIn His Image:

word a

for

good

it

clone. Max's exact ge-

public so that scientists could verify

child's privacy, etc.

Instead Rorvik asked

that the clone did exist.

idea to Rorvik at the time: Invent a tale

clone, throw in a

few exotic

details, write a

The Cloning of a Alan), and then laugh

all

the

book

way

to

Hippo Eats Dwarf

14

the bank as the book

whose

research Rorvik cited

Rorviks book

pay

became

was

a "fraud

a bestseller. Unfortunately,

in

the book sued him for

one of the

scientists

The court

ruled that

libel.

and a hoax," and most of

his

earnings vanished to

legal fees.

But Rorviks clone was just a warm-up for the phony clones that materialized after the

1997 announcement of the

of Dolly, the worlds

birth

sheep. The scientifically verified birth of a cloned

the idea that a human clone in

was

What

possible.

on the publicity that would flow to the First at

in late

was

bat

Dr.

November 2002

woman

under

mammal gave credence was

resulted

Italian

mad

a

to

rush to cash

who announced

physician

medical supervision would give

his

human clone within the next two months.

birth to a

cloned

group to produce a human clone.

first

Severino Antinori, an that a

first

This put a fire under the

feet of the Raelians, a previously obscure group of alien-worshipping clone en-

who convened

thusiasts,

a press conference a

month

they already had a clone. Delivering the news was

woman whose

peculiarly bright red hair

and manic

the media as the clone announcement

itself.

later to

announce that

Dr. Brigitte Boisselier, a

grin

became

According to

as celebrated

in

her, scientists at

Clonaid, a Raelian-funded biotech company, had helped a client give birth to a healthy girl clone named Eve in late December. Raelian clones followed thick and fast.

announced the

By February

2004

the Raelians had

of six more clones, with seven more on the way. All these clones, of course, remained offstage, unexamined by the birth

scientific

Rael, the titular leader of the Raelians, later

clones were a hoax all

that only for publicity,

geniuses. In

when he

.

.

any case,

But

we

if

it is

remarked, "Even

wonderful.

what we say we

did

is

If

if

that

true,

are geniuses! Wonderful!

In

community.

halfway admitted that

you want to think that is

the case,

we

we

their

we

did

are promotional

are also scientific geniuses.

any case,

we

The Raelians achieved worldwide notoriety (and membership) on account of the clone

win!"

And he was

right.

a steep rise in their

mania they generated.

safe bet any would-be clone that hasn't been examined by the scien community to make sure its DNA

Its a tific

matches the

DNA of

a phony. But researcher Gabriel Weinberg has proposed a fake clone that would pass any test the scientific

Ferfhze an ova via

in vitro fertilization,

its

parent-donor

way

is

to produce a

community could throw

at if

then divide the resulting embryo to produce Identical twins (perfectly doable). Allow one embryo to develop be

15

Birth

born, and

embryo The

grow

up, but freeze the other. Eighteen years later implant the frozen

into the

womb

of the grown-up twin and allow her to give birth to

would be an exact genetic match of her mother/ sister: an

resulting child

apparent clone, though If

another

is

in reality

two decades

to allow the scientific

strategy

just a twin.

pass before anyone produces a clone they're willing

community to examine, one might suspect Weinberg's

involved.

Reality RULE When

^

1.6

seeking medical advice about

better to rely

birth, it's

con a doctor than on a backroom miracle worker.

Hysterical Pregnancy, lieves

it.

she

is

A

n.:

medical condition

in

which a

J

woman

falsely be-

pregnant, sometimes to the point of developing pregnancy

symptoms.

Miracle Births During the summer of

man

2004, hundreds of Muslims flocked

university clinic to see a

woman who

Their source for this information?

They had read

it

online, so

The woman was for her

said to have

life

true.

(See Rule

birth,

when someone

to turn

the

way from

away the

German

clinic

were

the Netherlands. Eventually the

pilgrims

who

also an

body— except

had

age of

at first confused, then

pilgrims.

Allah's

faith,

is

Some

clinic hired

refused to believe that there

This case illustrates that though this it is

entire

so that she could breastfeed the Messiah for forty days

one there matching the description of

reason,

site.

realized that Allah

amused, and then frightened by the steady stream of all

chosen son.

and to have died of these wounds. She had

before dying again. The staff at the

eled

Ger-

6.1 .)

been burned across her

then been buried, but was dug up brought her back to

birth to Allah's

rumor posted on a Turkish Internet

had to be

it

breasts— while giving

A

had given

to a west

had trav-

extra security

really, truly

chosen son and

his

was no

mother.

(supposedly) an age of science and

and many people are quite

miraculous, supernatural forces can intervene directly

in

willing to believe that

the process of

birth.

Hippo Eats Dwarf

16

The year 2004 his

also

saw the

bizarre case of

Archbishop Gilbert Deya and

archbishop (he gave himself the title) holy ghost babies. This self-styled

convinced numerous female followers nated by Jesus.

He

then whisked these

women were

either

postmenopausal or

babies had developed within their fifty-six-year-old

one

woman

Britain that

they had been impreg-

where they

to Kenya,

women away

the There was just one problem. Most of

birth in a backstreet clinic.

gave

in

infertile.

wombs

in

Furthermore, the holy ghost

Deya helped

record-breaking time.

give birth thirteen times

about one baby every three months. But the

in

three years. Thats

was

really bizarre thing

that

liv-

these rapid-fire pregnanscreaming, kicking babies did appear at the end of

ing,

Where were they coming from?

cies.

of baby The Kenyan government had an explanation. They accused Deya them gathering up infants in the slums of Kenya and depositing

trafficking

—

into the hands of British

any

illegality or

women.

Strangely, the

deception. Their desire to give birth

was so strong

lowed Deya to convince them they were pregnant. birth

shows

woman,

a semiconscious

clearly

appeared unaware of

women

A

that they

al-

video of one "miracle

unaware of what

is

happening,

being handed a child while "doctors" cut an umbilical cord that looks suspiciously like

a wire.

to believe

Which goes to show that there if

they want to believe

it

truly

is

nothing people cant be

made

badly enough.

Reality rule 1.7 The Internet

is

not a reliable source of information

about birth or babies.

J

.

Reality Check; A

Fetal Footprint

photograph shows the outline of a fetuss foot pressing against the inner wall of its

This photograph

mothers stomach.

began

remains a mystery, making

circulating it

Is

the photo

on the Internet

real or

in

fake?

mid-2004.

Its

source

impossible to say with 100 percent certainty that

17

Birth

the image

is

real or fake.

a

woman

a

baby thrusts out a

will

However, although

when

often see her belly bulge limb,

the abdominal wall

is

simply too muscular and thick to allow a foot-

be seen with

print to

way

this clarity.

a fetal footprint could

way would be

in

The only

be seen

this

in

the rare case of an ectopic

pregnancy, which involves a fetus developing outside the uterus. This condition can be

life-

threatening for both mother and baby, and The

Fetal Footprint

(aka "Bend

pregnancy.

In

It

Beckham")

like

this

photo does not appear to show an ectopic

seems disproportionately

addition, the footprint

Reality Check: A This

large for a fetus.

Trampoline Baby

photo shows an infant bouncing on a trampoline. Real or fake?

is

yet another odd picture you might

encounter on the Internet.

In

this case,

the >y

baby

is

four-month-old Connor Simpson, en-

of David

joying himself on a trampoline sometime

2002.

who

Is

away. Those with

this right

experience, figure out

how Connor

somehow tossed

on

a bed,

baby

could be doing that.

wires, or

in

the

Connor never had

safely

less

all

me, waste hours trying to

like

We look for hidden that

Si

the photo fake? Well, yeah. People

have any experience with babies at

guess

in

wonder

air.

The

if

he was

solution

Trampoline Baby

is

a trampoline adventure.

He was photographed

and then placed above the trampoline with a

little digital

and-paste magic.

Reality Check; Is

Supermodel Eggs for Sale

there an Internet site that allows infertile couples to bid for the eggs of supermodels?

lying

cut-

Hippo Eats Dwarf

18

So a

want

parents

All

wouldn't

premium

it

for

their children to start life

natural for infertile couples searching for

be

In fact,

some couples advertise

characteristics, such as height, athleticism, in

egg donors to pay

eggs from donors with high-status genetic advantages, such as

extraordinary beauty?

buting

with every possible advantage.

and high

October 1999, RonsAngels.com, took

donors with specific

for

SAT

scores. But a site de-

this practice to a

whole new

level— allowing couples to bid for eggs from supermodel donors. The

Times thought the

was

site

for real

New

and published a story warning of a

of "commodification" of human egg donation. But

in reality

York

new age

the site was an elab-

orate publicity stunt for an online pornography business.

Reality rule

matter how

Dolls, no

I

i. lifelike,

are neither human nor alive. y’

Real vs. Cabbage Patch Is it

real,

tion of the

or

Cabbage Patch?

is it

modern age. Or maybe

Cabbage Patch started making things.

is

may be the great

in

the late 1970s.

Nowadays

that you're not supposed to

supposed to think they're

philosophical ques-

not.

Kids were hand-sewn cloth dolls

them

The catch

This

real babies.

And you

when Xavier Roberts

they're

call

don't

them

mass-produced

vinyl

dolls. Instead, you're

buy them. You adopt them.

Maryland residents Pat and Joe Posey, for example, have been raising a

Cabbage Patch

own room

in

their

decides to make or let him

Kid for nineteen years. Kevin, as they've

house

it

on

own

college fund, just

sation. Kevin

even

in

him, has his

case he ever

own. To entertain Kevin, the Poseys take him fishing

his

watch reruns of SpongeBob SquarePants,

when company comes

really Mr.

as well as his

named

over, the

talks back,

Posey speaking

Poseys

insist

his favorite

Kevin be included

in

show.

And

the conver-

though guests are expected to ignore that

it's

in falsetto.

Reborn Dolls If

the care and feeding of a Cabbage Patch Kid

long for something even

more

lifelike,

isn't

enough

for you,

if

then you may be ready for a reborn

you doll.

Birth

Reborn

dolls are

ultra true to

life,

pseudo-umbilical cords. Collectors

who

down sell

to such anatomical details as

these dolls on eBay (where the

hobby got started) have received angry e-mails from people who auctioning off

These

moms,

replace

human

dolls are created

start

with a

born's veiny translucent skin,

glass eyes, print

whom

by hobbyists, most of

silicon-vinyl doll, take

with human

its hair

and insert

silicon

hair,

fill

paint it

it

it

1970s

a

to give

make

pads to simulate baby

roboticist

people's responses to anthropomorphic robots.

a really

good

mouth and nose,

the appearance of a new-

it

with sand to get

Japanese

are stay-at-home

apart, remodel its

out a birth certificate. The result can be so

During the

think they're

babies.

a process called "reborning." Quality varies, but to

in

one you

real

IS

it

up to baby weight, add

fat. Finally

lifelike

it's

you name

it

and

eerie.

named Masahiro Mori tested

What he

discovered was that

people easily formed emotional attachments to robots that didn't look human at

all.

They

also

bonded with robots

But robots that were

in

that

were

indistinguishable from humans.

between, that were "almost human," triggered strong

negative reactions. People were creeped out by them.

sponse as the "uncanny dolls.

with

valley."

And what was

He

referred to this re-

true with his robots

is

true with

People readily bond with dolls that are obviously fake, just as they bond real babies.

But almost-human dolls make our skin crawl.

Anatomically correct Little Grace. Sold by Ashton-Drake Galleries.

.

Hippo Eats Dwarf

20

Not everybody's tors

skin,

pay thousands of

of course.

Some

people love reborn

dolls,

and collec-

dollars for the top-quality ones. True enthusiasts

them, pamper them, and dress them as they would treat real

human

in

hug

cute baby outfits. Treating these dolls

babies, the enthusiasts say,

fills

a void

in their

lives.

To each the Poseys

his

own. But should you ever find yourself

(Cabbage Patch

in

a position similar to

Kevin's guardians), drifting dangerously close to

that thin line separating reality from dollish fantasy, just splash

some

cold water

on your face and repeat the following words: Dolls are not real babies are not real babies

.

.

.

.

.

Dolls

ilk atfxA

People have always dreamed of transforming into something superior to that with which they

Now

satisfy personal vanity.

and

bodies

were born.

science and technology have brought us close to realizing

that ancient dream. But

Mans

their

most

So

alterations are

made

simply to

instead of the Six Million Dollar

^'better, stronger, faster,^'

we end up

with weirder, freakier,

faker.

.f

V

f

1

2?

Hippo Eats Dwarf

Reality rule 2.1 '

> '

/

What models

look like in fashion magazines does not

correspond to what people look

Magic Mouse mouse

Diet,

n.I

like in real life.

Virtual weight loss achieved through the click of a

(digital alteration of a photo), rather than a reduction in calories.*

Digital Plastic Surgery Celebrities and fashion models as good-looking as they appear less, their

in

may be

naturally good-looking, but are

magazines— where

their skin

is

they

always flaw-

teeth pearly white, and their hair perfect? Not quite. They get a

lot

of help.

Makeup and

lighting

can make anyone look better on camera, and the fash-

ion industry relies heavily

on these

photographers sleeve.

often easier to change the photograph than

change the person. can be done

in

Its

the old days

In

tools, but they're

this

meant working

not the only tricks up a

in

the darkroom.

it

to

is

Now

it

a fraction of the time while sitting at a computer.

Thanks to image-manipulation software, photo editors can erase wrinkles, remove blemishes, even out skin tone, melt away fat,

tummies, and the the norm find a

in

list

goes on and on. Such

digital plastic

the fashion and entertainment industries.

photo that hasn

When does

t

been touched

hairs,

In

surgery has

magazines

become

it's

rare to

up.

touching up go too far?

moving pimples or stray

enlarge breasts, shrink

Few

people have a problem with

re-

and most celebrities demand that magazines take

care of such details. Eyebrows are only raised (figuratively speaking) when photo editors change people's bodies so much that the photos no longer look like the real-life people, and (more importantly)

when

this

is

done without

permission.

•Richard

12

,

Woods, "Does My

2003

.

Digitally

Reduced Bum Look Small

in

This?"

Sunday Times, January

Bodies

Graphic

artists

enlarged Kate Beckinsales breasts so enormously

poster for her film Underworld that tress felt obliged to tell didn't appreciate

been

digitally

them to tone

when she saw

it

it

seemed it

like false

her more rounded real-life appearance and zine had even insisted that

all

the

Kate Winslet

GQ bad

that her picture on the cover of

massaged to make her look leggy and in

the

The ac-

advertising.

dovv'n a bit. Likewise,

in

23

She was proud of

skinny.

the interview inside the maga-

men she knew

"like girls

to have an arse on

them."

The power of

photo editor

a

or enlarging breasts.

isn't

limited to digitally flattening

extreme cases an editor can opt

In

ment-transplanting a person's head onto someone

for total

else's

stomachs

body

replace-

body.

body replacement hap-

Total

pened to

Julia Roberts,

much

her displeasure, on the July

AP/WkJ*

to

2003

Wodd

cover of Redbook. The one miti-

was

gating factor

that her head

was transplanted onto version of her

Photo*

own

younger

a

body. But the

most notorious example of

this

practice occurred on the August

1989, cover of

26,

TV

Guide,

which showed daytime talk-show host

Oprah Winfrey lounging

gauzy dress on top of

in

a

a pile of

money. Oprah looked gorgeous, but unfortunately only the head

belonged to from a

her.

1979

The body came

publicity

shot of

Ann-Margret. The composite was created without the permission of Oprah or Ann-Margret, and was detected

when Ann-Margret's

fashion designer recognized the dress.

Although such extreme editing techniques are increasingly common, complaints are rare.

even

if

Most

celebrities are quite

they have to borrow someone

happy to look younger and

else's

body

to

do

it.

skinnier,

Hippo Eats Dwarf

case file: In April

tos

in

2005

Wrinkle-Free Migrant Mother

Popular Photography ran a feature on

how

to touch up pho-

which subjects have unsightly wrinkles or unattractive expressions. Can

these photos be saved?" the article asked.

The example used was Dorothea Langes

Copyright

clas2005

photo

Depression-era

sic

of

a

"Migrant Mschette

Mother" huddling with her children

camp outside Nipomo,

side

in

California.

a road-

The

Pillpacchi

mi-

grant mother definitely needed a make-over.

Media

U.S.

She had worry

lines

etched into her face from Used

the stress of poverty, and she gazed into the distance as

with

wondering whether her family

if

permission,

would survive.

A

real

downer. So, under the all

masterful touch of Popular

Photography

edi-

rights

the Migrant Mother was transformed

tors,

reserved.

from an iconic symbol of the struggle for surinto a

vival

mom. Her softened,

smooth-faced suburban soccer

wrinkles were erased, her gaze

and those depressing,

stricken kids removed. Readers

Hundreds wrote

in

poverty-

were appalled.

demanding to know how

the magazine dared deface one of the most

famous images

American

in

history.

To which

the editors replied: Look at the date of the ticle. April

ar-

Fools!

“Migrant

Mom

has got

it

going on."

Thinspiration The fashion industry world

you

in

which no

fat

is

arrive at the bizarre

freely alters

images of models to create a fantasy

allowed. Take this practice to

its logical

extreme and

world of pro-ana thinspiration.

Pro-ana stands for pro-anorexic. This community perceives ultraskinniness as a desirable symbol of success and self-control. I

mean skeleton

skinny. To inspire

weight goals, pro-anas

And when

themselves to reach

digitally alter

I

their

say ultraskinny,

extreme body-

images of models-transforming them

25

Bodies

from thin people into emaciated

people— then

share

these

pictures

with

their

They

friends.

to the

refer

images as "thinspiration." Confusion non-pro-anas

arises

when upon

stumble

these photos and think they depict

A

(left)

This image (in

model unaltered; (right)

its

ance

is

frightening.

there's a

Moss)

good

really

So

if

aren't

do need

a

n.:

A

a

in

’’

If it’s blond, it’s ^ -

—

*

^

Reality Check:

In

will

become

their appear-

bad way.

Named

after

Oscar Wilde's

J

—

—

probably from a bottle. ^

^

^

X

-

'

^

J

Blonds as an Endangered Species

Has the World Health Organization blond hair

don't.

while his portrait ages.*

Reality rule 2.2 *

and bones. They

to

psychiatric disorder characterized by an obses-

who remains young

i* >1*

down

stick-thin starvation-chic models,

sive desire to maintain the appearance of youth.

character

have

fake— though some models (Twiggy, Kate

cheeseburger

Dorian Gray Syndrome,

skin

encouraged to be so skinny that

you see pictures of

possibility they're

who

starved themselves

thinspired.

altered form) circulated widely by e-mail.

Generally speaking, models

models

real

predicted that the gene for

really

extinct within the next

two hundred years?

September 2002 CBS, CNN, the BBC, and other news agencies

throughout the world reported that researchers at the World Health Organization had predicted that within

'International Journal of Clinical

279-283.

two hundred

years there would be no natural

Pharmacology and Therapeutics 39,

no.

7

(200

I

),

Hippo Eats Dwarf

26

The gene

blonds

left.

by the

far greater

later

the

for blondness

would go extinct, driven out of existence

percentage of dark-haired people

WHO issued a

press release denying

it

in

had said such a thing.

year-old article

a

in

think that

it

had? The blame was traced back to a two-

German womens magazine

WHO

pearing blond gene" story to a

it

quickly spread around the world.

blond gene

Merkin,

appear

this story

When

^who

A

didnt exist).

and reprinted

it,

and from

queried, geneticists said the

very unlikely to disappear anytime soon.

is

n.;

that had attributed the disap-

anthropologist

German news agency had gotten wind of there

also

It

So how had

denied sponsoring research into "the status of the blonde gene."

news agencies come to

week

the world. But a

A

Sometimes worn by

pubic hair wig.

naked while obeying

fully

local

exotic dancers

in

order to

ordinances that require them to be

partially clothed.

Tanorexia,

n.:

A

syndro me

in

how

which the sufferer believes that no matter

tan they are, they're not tan enough.

Reality rule 2.3 No body part

is liiore lied

about than the penis.

Sex, Lies, and Penis Size

What body

animal holds the record for having the largest penis

size?

If

Homo

you answered

Mankind comes

a close second. But

in

most about penis

sapiens,

size,

it

if

its

one were to ask what species cares

became equated with

in

man's evo-

virility

and so-

dominance. Having a big penis meant that you were the alpha male. Which

means that

in

the modern world some

look as though they've got a

Lying

AbouE

and

you'll

men

will

do almost anything to make

it

few more inches than what nature provided.

lE

Exaggerating penis size is,

to

the barnacle.

It's

would definitely be man. At some point

lution ^unlike other primates) penis size cial

you are wrong.

in relation

is

a reflex with men.

get an answer that

errs

on the plus

Ask

a

man how

side. This

large his penis

was the rocky

shoal

Bodies

on which early

men

Kinsey Report surveyed size to

on penis

scientific efforts to collect data

assuming that men would that study.

More recent

pants, have

come up with

tell

left

the truth.

studies, in

it

to the

men

do the measuring,

to

So you can see where

which

lower numbers.

a tent outside a nightclub in

The

1940s and found the average penis

during the

be 6.3 inches. But the survey

size floundered.

less trust In

200

was placed Lifestyles

I

error crept into in

the

partici-

Condoms

set up

Cancun, Mexico, and had nurses measure the pe-

dimensions of hundreds of college-age guys. The average measurement

nile

was 5.87

inches.

ating, or in a

tion

two

is

In

other words, either the guys

mere sixty years the average penis

in

the 1940s were exagger-

size shrank

by .43 inches.

Op-

a scary thought.

Bulge Enhancement

A

prominent bulge

a lot of something

in

in

a

mans

there.

So

trousers for years

is

a crude but effective sign that there's

men have enhanced

their

socks or appropriately shaped objects. (In the rock parody This

band member

tries to

cumber shoved down

his

And

men need no

pants.) But

if

Pills

it's

named The

four hours a day and can

line

longer rely on such low-tech

of Packit jeans styled to maximize

you don't want to wear jeans, then any

be made to look as though polyvinyl insert aptly

Spinal Tap, a

get through airport security with an aluminum-wrapped cu-

forms of deception. Lee Cooper offers a "trouser frontage."

Is

bulges using

straining to hold

Bulge.

be cleaned

in

pair

of pants can

back a monster, thanks to a

The Bulge

will

keep

a washing machine.

its

shape twenty-

Thank

God

for that.

and Lotions

Pseudo-inches aren't enough for some men. They want artists

have long taken advantage of

penis-enhancing products including

even companies that promise growing larger

.

.

.

larger.')

this desire

pills,

real

growth.

Scam

by hawking a wide variety of

creams, pumps, and sprays. There are

results via hypnosis. (^Imagine

your penis.

It

is

That none of these products work doesn't stop men

from spending hundreds of millions of dollars on them every year.

Penis Weights

An option and stretch

it.

for the truly adventurous

Proponents of

this

is

to tie weights around his penis

method point

to the Karamojong people of

Hippo Eats Dwarf

28

northeastern

Uganda

as proof that this works. For ritualistic reasons, Karamo-

jong boys start attaching weights to their penises at puberty. After years of doing

this,

they succeed

teen inches. The catch their penises

in

is

stretching their phalluses to lengths of up to eigh-

that

end up looking

what they gain

like long, thin

in

length they lose

in girth,

so

earthworms. As an interesting side-

note, there does exist a small subculture of penile weight-lifting enthusiasts.

A

martial art

known

as Jiu Jiu

The world-record holder bell

with

his

is

a

Shen Gong

man

in

penis for ten seconds.

even devoted to

is

Hong Kong who can If

you find

this

lift

you're not alone. But that's his story, and he's sticking to

165-pound

a

somewhat

this practice.

bar-

hard to believe,

it.

Surgery Finally,

some men

turn to surgery for enlargement. Unfortunately for them,

the penis doesnt respond very well to surgical augmentation. Methods include severing the ligaments that hold the penis upright so that

from the body

Gh©

catch being that while

it

becomes

it

hangs farther out

longer,

stand upright), or injecting fat cells culled from dead bodies this up).

None of these methods

are guaranteed to produce

and things can easily go disastrously wrong. irony,

many men who go

shorter than they

The Whizzinator.

this route

were before.

n.:

A

In

and you're

all

can no longer

Q'm not making

permanent

fact, in a cruel

results,

example of

life's

end up with grotesquely deformed penises

That's the

risk:

no gain and a

lot

of pain.

prosthetic penis marketed by Puck Technology. Strap

the Whizzinator to your body, attach a plastic bag, urine,

it

set to cheat on a drug test.

fill

the bag with heated

Bodies

gang of angry nobles

at the hands of a

beat, shot, then

drowned him

extended process, cut off

in

The nobles drugged, poisoned,

1916.

in

/

the Neva River, and at some point during

his penis.

It

is

this

here that the history of Rasputins

penis enters more into the realm of rumor than of fact.

A

maid found the bodiless member at the crime scene and saved

1920s a group of Russian women

ing the

(or what they believed to be it) and worshipped

keeping

inside a

it

wooden

1977.

It

And

it

tucked away

in

until

as a kind of holy

until

she died

in

California

a velvet pouch along with lot sale.

some of Marie

Rasputin's

in it

manu-

Augustine sold the well-traveled

Bonhams auction house, whose experts then discovered

penis to

it

relic,

the antique dealer Michael Augustine found

which he had bought at a

scripts,

acquired

women, so she demanded the

presumably stayed with her

then disappeared

it

Dur-

casket. Rasputins daughter, Marie, didn't like the

idea of her dad's penis hanging out with these thing back.

somehow

living in Paris

it.

(surprise,

surprise) that they had bought not a penis, but a sea cucumber. That's

where events stood

in

1994. But, of course, no one

Rasputin's penis to disappear that easily. Ten years later

newly opened

St. Petersburg

director, explained that

quarian for ian

get

should

it? I

Museum of

it

really

expected

resurfaced at the

Erotica. Igor Knyazkin, the

he bought the footloose phallus from a French

$8,000. Which begs the question: where did the French

No answer.

I

guess Rasputin's penis

say sea cucumber?) wrapped

in

will

a mystery that

A game

in

antiquar-

it

always has been.

N

doesn’t look natural, then

Silicone Challenge, n.;

anti-

go on being the enigma (or

Reality rule 2.4 if it

museum's

it

probably isn't.

which players guess whether breasts are real

or fake. Usually played with images of breasts found online.

Bodies by Silicone For over a hundred years surgeons have sought to alter (and hopefully im-

prove) the shape of the body. Much of

this effort

has focused on making

Hippo Eats Dwarf

30

womens

breasts bigger.

(Our

society's

Early

are clear.)

priorities

breast-

augmentation techniques were crude and caused serious side effects. Doctors

experimented with implanting paraffin, goat's

sponges before they

plastic

hit

on

when Japanese

II

make themselves more porarily, is

why

but

it

developed the

cone

gel.

prostitutes injected

1961

illegal). Finally, in

liquid

it in

American GIs. Liquid

desirable to

open

sores,

in

silicone

an effort to

worked, tem-

and even gangrene (which

Thomas Cronin and Frank Gerow

Drs.

,

form

silicone breast implant: a hard, elastic sac filled

was an overnight

It

used for breast augmentation after

first

also led to discoloration,

now

it's

and

silicone.

According to legend, silicone was

World War

milk, fat cells, glass balls,

with gooey

sili-

success.

Although most surgeons have switched from silicone to saline implants because of concerns about the health effects of silicone leaking into the body, breast augmentation remains

one of the most popular

world. Hundreds of thousands of including eighteen-year-olds

And

ents.

who ask

breasts arent the only

ceps, triceps, and buttocks can we'll

all

women

be

their breasts

enlarged every year,

their parents for implants as birthday pres-

body

all

get

surgical procedures in the

part being

augmented. Calves, pecs,

surgically swelled

bi-

and shaped. Someday

have perfect bodies without ever going to the gym, thanks to gel-filled

sacs inserted beneath the skin.

Or maybe we ald

II

use

Silly String. In

W. Johnson (the man responsible

planting polypropylene string into

the late 1990s the Houston surgeon Dr. Gerfor

Anna Nicole

women's

grow

larger,

and

larger,

and

Women

with these implants saw

larger, indefinitely,

proportions. This can cause major complications, which

banned in

string implants. But for a short time

the adult entertainment industry

busted

woman

swelling to massive

why

is

the

FDA

quickly

they were seized on by performers

who were

vying for the

the world. Incidentally, many different

in

began im-

breasts. This substance absorbs fluid

from the body and expands after implantation. their breasts

Smith's cup size)

title

of biggest-

women now

with the top contenders boasting measurements of around that size they're so top-heavy they have difficulty

claim this

title,

42XXX.

At

balancing on their feet.

It

didn't take long for

saline,

then

why

that drug cartels

and buttocks.

In

people to figure that

if

you can

sacs with silicone or

fill

not with other substances? Rumors spread

were smuggling drugs by implanting them

1994

a

woman

traveling from

in

into

the early 1990s

women's breasts

Bogota to the United States was

Bodies

actually caught doing this. lice.

Her unusually

large buttocks

31

were what tipped off po-

However, the prize for implanting the strangest substance goes to Sandi

Canesco of

Canesco had

dawned on me

plants,

I'd

never

I

,

after her husband, Dustin, died

that

if

carried Dustins

I

cremated remains

have to part with him at

really

a car crash,

Spurious Rounding,

ments when

women, according

my

breast im-

when she goes out on

dates.

Incorrectly rounding up bust and rib-cage measure-

v.:

women

fitting

in

Definitely weird. But on the

all."

could be a great conversation starter

it

in

ashes injected into her breast implants. She was quoted as say-

his

ing, “It

other hand

200

Australia. In

for bras.

As

a result of this

common

error,

many

to experts, end up with poorly fitted bras.*

—

/

Reality Check: Has

plastic

surgeon

Dr.

Nipple Addition Surgery

Jonas Ziziesse

really

for obesity that involves transplanting nipples "fat

only ugly

is

until

pioneered a treatment

onto

fat

you put a nipple on

rolls,

arguing that

it"?

J


conie true-even

if

they aren't

initially so.

Virginity, n.. Virginity regained by abstaining from sex for a time.

Also known as born-again

virginity,

renewed

virginity, or revirginizatlon.

Romance

Richard-Gere-Gerbil-Rumor-Like, that

is

in

absurd, and false). For those

mid-1980s and

the

a hospital with a gerbil

known

to describe a sexual rumor

rumor about Richard Gere and the

similar in character to the

(i.e., bizarre,

nated

Used

adj.:

53

who missed

gerbil

the rumor origi-

it,

alleged that the actor had been admitted to

lodged

rectum, the result of a sexual practice

in his

as gerbil stuffing. In reality, no cases of patients with gerblls

in their

rectums have ever been recorded by the medical community.

Sex Hoaxes The media can never

make

their

way

into the

they're real or fake.

about sex. Weird salacious tales usually

resist stories

news before anyone bothers

Hoaxers are very aware of

Alan Abel practically based

career on

his

it.

this.

to investigate whether

The

professional prankster

1959 he made headlines by

In

founding an organization called the Society for Indecency to Naked Animals

(SIN A) that advocated the around naked. national

belief that

it

was immoral

for animals to

the early 1970s he scored again with a story about the Inter-

In

Sex Olympics,

in

which couples competed for points on style and en-

And

durance. (This hoax prompted an investigation by the FBI.)

1990s he bluffed

was two inches out there, and

walk

his

way onto

HBO

long. But the thing

it's

at

all

making most sex hoaxes

the late

by pretending to be a man whose penis

about sex hoaxes

physically possible, then self-fulfilling

in

is

that

someone

if

is

you put an idea

going to try it—

prophecies.

Huniing for Bambi In

ing

July

2003

a Las

TV station

Vegas

Bambi hunts. These were games

in

ran a story

women

but

cost a couple of thousand per game.

it

sued.

Newspaper

naked

sell-

An

international

in

the fun,

media frenzy en-

reporters spilled gallons of ink addressing the issue. Talking

woman

it

meant

could seriously hurt

idea promoted abuse against

Only

company

the Nevada desert. Anyone could sign up to join

heads pontificated about what ting a

local

which men with paintball guns hunted

naked

in

about a

for the state of society. her.

How

A

paintball hit-

could this be legal? The very

women.

after the media had

stewed on the story

for a

week

did

it

dawn on

them that there wasn't any evidence the company had ever conducted Bambi

Hippo Eats Dwarf

hunts.

too much negative publicity), and everyone in

previous hunts

was

it

had done so

claimed to have participated

com-

videos.

sell

If it

had run commercial paintball games,

illegally.

against the the Las Vegas authorities threatened to press charges

When company,

who

the highly unreliable. Further research revealed that

pany was only licensed to

was

currently accepting customers (it said there

The company wasn't

president, Michael Burdick, admitted

its

no

Bambi hunts had

real

sales of taken place. The story about the hunts had just been a hook to boost

Bambi hunt. The hook worked. Though

a soft-porn video about a fictional

stunt almost got

them

company kept promising

of copies of the video. But the real hunts.

And who knows. Maybe

mand, someone eventually

NCSU

has surreptitiously.

would one day host

If

enough de-

there's

will.

it

involved a female health issue, the North Carolina State Univer-

breast-cancer study and

women. The study concluded swallow semen on a regular risk

it

it

sold thousands

Fellatio-Breast Cancer Study

Though sity

company

run out of Las Vegas, Burdick's

their

these findings to heart (or

that

basis,

of breast cancer by up to

results

its

40

men more

probably excited

"women who perform the act of

fellatio

one to two times a week, may reduce

percent." Doctors

than

and

their

were urging women to take

mouth— whatever).

These findings seemed tailor-made

for

male fantasies

— probably

because

NCSU student Brandon Williamson. In October 2003 he created a fake CNN webpage reporting this fictitious research they sprang from the fantasies of

study and posted his surprise,

his

when he

creation on

NCSU's

returned from

fall

server as a joke for his friends. To

break a

week

later,

word of

spread across the Internet and millions of people had visited

Williamson had loaded the story with clues that stance, he

named one

people

for

fell

it

its

in

a press release that

was

CNN

fake. For in-

"investigate thor-

decision-making process that allowed a story that

that the story wasn't hosted on fake.

it.

anyway. Mary Ann Liebert, the publisher of the Journal of

and degrading to be put up on

was

had

researcher "Dr. Inserta Shafteer." But thousands of

Women's Health, demanded oughly

it

his site

its

website.

is

so damaging

Evidently she failed to notice

CNN's site— the biggest

clue of

all

that

it

Romance

Com/HEALTH TH*¥r»bV^ CMN.comVw

fci>4ffh

Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer

crHRicto

1V>

in

n

CjO

UONEV

women oentm Z

Ttaundlr

- Women

(AP)

2003 f^ mrnrt • 19

AM EOT 0319 OMT)

wrho perform the

•ct of felUtio end swallow semen on a regular basts, one to two

times a week, may reduce their rtsk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study fourtd. OocTon had never suspected a between iha cancer, but

new

Mi

and breast

act ol feSaito

rasearcb beaig pertotmed

Nonii Carabna Slalt UMversSy a startaig te sugpest that thare couH ba an

at

nportam In

M

betw e en

Hw

two

SSery Teele

a study ol ovar 1S.000 women

suspected or ha«aig performed regular faaallo

over

and swaaowed the efaculaloty

tfie

pest ten years.

Ifie

IHU

VI P VtllCP

fluid,

lesaarctwrs

found that those aaualy bavmg partamud the act regutarfy one to two tunas a waaa. had a tower occurence ol breast cancer than those who had not TTwre was no

etoreasad

rfsk.

however, for those

who

del

not regutarfy perform

1 iMc*

t re

moves the tost shed* of doubt

it acteaPy a heathy aa * said Kramer of Johns Hopkms School Mrdion s who wes not tovotved to the

that feaaito

Or tt

AJ

CNN

webpage

Faced with the threat of lawsuits from

CNN,

Williamsons fake

NCSU, it

the Associated Press, and

Williamson took the page down, although he insisted to the end that

was obviously

a parody.

Although there

searchers will conduct this study for

throughout the world are

found that

it's

T6i6dildoniCS,

known

good

n.!

real, there's

telling their girlfriends,

for you.

I

swear

much chance

isn't

it's

a very

that medical re-

good chance

"There was

that guys

this study,

and they

true."

Long-distance sexual interaction

via virtual reality gear.

Also

as cybersex.

Sex Codes Does

a clandestine subculture of unlicensed sexual promiscuity exist,

which members communicate convinced

it

does, and warn

this subculture in

and

its

in it's

public via secret

in

codes? Moral crusaders are

corrupting the nation's youth. Skeptics note

secret codes are more often rumored than encountered

the flesh. Others simply wonder

why

the codes never work for them.

Hippo Eats Dwarf

56

Jelly Bracelets

2003

In

school administrators

from wearing colored

jelly bracelets.

what sexual favors the oral, black

was with

a

girls

banned students

a Florida high school

in

They had heard the bracelets indicated

wearing them were willing to perform. Blue meant

condom, red was no condom, and so

forth.

A

national

controversy ensued, but subsequent research, including a survey of three hun-

dred teenagers by the marketing firm Teenage Research Unlimited, could find

no high school students except

bracelets,

in

who were aware

of the sexual meaning of the

an anecdotal way.

Powerline Codes Ever see shoes or other items hanging from powerlines? To those know, these dangling objects have secret meanings. sale nearby; tennis

yoyo means sex

is

the for

shoes indicate drugs; and a yoyo and balloon together mean

sex and drugs. Rumors of these codes have been lines

A

in

in

existence as long as power-

themselves. The codes, however, have never been confirmed.

Toothing Toothing describes the practice of using Bluetooth-equipped mobile phones (i.e.,

phones with the

ability to

communicate

directly with similar

phones over

short distances) to find sexual partners in public places. Toothers

propositions to people they see on

answer

is

affirmative then off the

commuter

two

go.

trains or in

beam

coffeeshops.

The media learned of

sexual If

the

this practice

March 2004, when a toothing forum appeared online. A large amount of coverage was devoted to it. But a year later the creator of the forum, Ste Curran, said he had intended it as a joke. To his knowledge, no one had ever toothed. The idea was a spoof on dogging, a craze the media had earlier reported to be sweeping England, in which people had sex with strangers in

in

public places.

However, Curran admitted that people very well might have started toothing after he introduced the idea.

Greenlighting Greenlighters wear green shirts with the collars turned up. lighter sees someone similarly attired, he turns his collar

for let's

When

down. This

is

a green-

the code

have sex." The other person signals her willingness by pulling her col-

Romance

lar

down,

or rejects the offer by keeping her collar up (redlighting).

57

Rumors of

this practice

spread on the Internet

July

2005, but were almost immediately

debunked as

a hoax. Internet pranksters at

WookieFetish.com had invented the

idea, hoping

it

in

would attract as much media attention as the toothing hoax of

the previous year.

Fake Orgasms

No

how many movies Meg Ryan

matter

bered for the orgasm she faked bet

money

it

in

Rob

gets prominent mention

appears

Reiner's in

always be remem-

in she'll

When

Harry

Met

Sally.

would

her obituary.

the movie, the platonic friends Harry and Sally (played by

In

I

Crystal

Billy

and Ryan) are having lunch at a diner and the conversation turns to how men can be sure the

women

Sally tells Harry,

who

they sleep with are having

immediately

ference. Sally proves him

insists that

wrong by demurely

orgasms. They

real

he would be able to

the dif-

tell

placing her sandwich on her plate

and then loudly and very convincingly pretending to climax, as everyone diner

watches

It's

in

in

the

amazement.

women

movie scene, but how many

a classic

can't,

widely quoted study conducted

2000

in

really

fake orgasms?

by an organization called

One

Queendom

.com (which boasts that over fifteen thousand people participated) found that

70

percent of

ingly the

women

admit to faking an orgasm at least once

same study found

that

25

percent of

Students of comparative animal behavior

men have

will

also faked an orgasm.

be interested to note that hu-

mans are not the only creatures to fake orgasms. Trout do ing the female trout burrows into gravel

ready to mate.

goes if

A

and

it

isn't

quivering until he's done.

Board of Fisheries said

in

As

realizing she's

Erik Peterrson

an interview with

CBC

also.

she'll

quiver

aborted the process,

of Sweden's National

Radio, "the male, he

is

cited that he misinterprets the female's cues and goes the whole way. little bit

If all

eggs and sperm. But

correctly positioned beside her,

without releasing any eggs. The male, not

spawn-

starts to quiver as a sign that she's

well, their mutual quivering results in the release of

go on

too. During

male then swims alongside her and starts quivering

the female senses the male

will

in their life. Intrigu-

so ex-

Hes

a

tricked there."

While a good actress may be able to fool her partner, she can no longer fool medical science

— not since neuroanatomist Gert Holstege of the University of

Hippo Eats Dwarf

Groningen discovered that positron-emission tomography (PET) scanners can sense the changes that take place

in

the brain during sexual climax, making the

machines foolproof fake-orgasm detectors.

When

a

woman

orgasms, the peri-

when she

aqueductal gray matter of her brain becomes very active. Not so fakes this

However, since most couples don't have ready access to

it.

scanners,

knowledge won't be of much use to suspicious men. Besides,

the future no one

in

gist Dr. Stuart

may need

then

all it

admitted

takes it

is

was

comes up with we'll

to fake

it.

North Carolina anesthiolo-

Meloy recently invented an "orgasmatron" that provides on-demand

orgasms. His invention requires inserting

and

PET

a

flip

of the switch. Female volunteers

"difficult to part

a

two electrodes

into the spinal cord, but

who tested

with" once the study ended.

mass-market version of the orgasmatron,

he'll

If

The

Meloy ever

Dr.

be a billionaire—

be one more step removed from the cause and effect of

ViflgrS Eti(|U6tt6, n..

real life.

social rules for using Viagra, as established

American Association of Retired People. According to these should inform their dates

swallow the

pill

in

when

juice.

all

kinds of techniques to

is,

crocodile

linen. In

ancient

advised to jump backward seven times after

Modern technology offers

The question

made of

Condoms were constructed from

women were

intercourse.

men

Contraceptive Technology

prevent unwanted pregnancy. They applied lotions

Greece,

rules,

front of them.

centuries couples have tried

dung or tobacco

by the

they're using the drug, but they should not

Reality Check; Over the

the device

which of them are

real

a

few new

options.

and which are fake?

(Jj^Musical Condom; Did a Ukrainian inventor devise a condom that plays music while volume growing as the wearer's movement Increases

Reports of musical condoms

made the news tical jokers. In

in

hailing

In

In

use, the

intensity?

from former Soviet-bloc countries twice

the past decade, but appear to have been planted by prac-

1996 London newspapers reported

vacs, had invented a

condom

that a Hungarian, Ferenc Ko-

that played tunes as

it

was being

unfurled.

The

Romance

default

melody was the communist hymn,

marked that there should also be a it.)

But curious travelers

shop

in

who

"Arise,

Milli Vanilli

59

Ye Worker." (^One reporter

tune for

women who

liked to fake

down Kovacs and

subsequently tried to track

re-

the

Budapest where he sold these singing condoms could never find him.

Nine years

later, in

February 2005,

British

papers reported a similar story fea-

turing a Ukrainian man. Dr. Grigoriy Chausovskiy. His

connected to

"tiny sensors

condom supposedly had

a mini electronic device that produces the sounds"

and played different tunes at changing volume depending on the wearers po-

Chausovskiy assured potential users that "there

sition.

electrocuted." But as with the his

1996

report,

is

evidence of

no danger of being Dr.

Chausovskiy and

wonderful invention was nowhere to be found.

^jj^Mobile-Phone Does

Birth Control

phone accessory prqect

a ceil

a high-intensity electromagnetic sound

cone, inaudible to the human ear but fatal to sperm

means

fective

cells,

thus serving as an ef-

when placed nearby during moments

of birth control

The Belgian company Prophy-Lectric debuted the Nippit phone

Or

birth-control accessory at the

rather,

it

did

if

you believed a

2004 3GSM

satirical article,

that circulated shortly after the conference.

of intimacy?

3000

World Congress

in

mobile-

Cannes.

penned by David Benjamin,

(Quite

a

few websites

fell

for it.)

According to Benjamin, the accessory was more effective than condoms at preventing unwanted pregnancy, unless the phone happened to receive an incoming call at the

moment

of truth,

in

which case

all

bets were

off.

But even

if

contraception couldn't be guaranteed, the high-pitched sound was handy for

keeping dogs away. The

first

partner was, naturally, the

phone maker with

German

whom

Prophy-Lectric hoped to

corporation Siemens.

(j|^Spray-on Contraceptive Is

there an experimental hormone spray, similar to a perfume, that can be

spritzed on a woman's forearm once a day, eliminating the pills

need

for contraceptive

or patches?

Tests of a contraceptive squirt

it

on, and that's

it.

hormone spray began

The spray

delivers a

Nestorone through the skin into the blood. mercial version of the spray

is

If

in

Australia

in

2004. Just

measured dose of the progestin the tests are successful, a com-

expected to reach markets around 2009.

Hippo Eats Dwarf

80

ij^Dog Condoms Are dog condoms, as a

available in three sizes to fit different breeds,

marketed

way to control canine overpopulation?

Dog

overpopulation

a serious solution.

is

A dog condom

only proportionally sized eties “to

a serious problem.

vendor appeared online

condoms but

enhance pleasure

for

Doggy condoms, however,

also lubricated

2005,

in

offering not

and meat-scented

vari-

both dog partners.” The problem, of course,

is

human interven-

that both fitting and removal of the protective sheaths require tion.

are not

Tm guessing that stopping Fido from eating the latex treat would also

present a challenge. The site

was

a

hoax created by an online condom

retailer.

Reality rule 3.s Fake marriage is^wben you don’t realty know your spouse Real marriage is

StSrtGr MsrriSgG,

n.I

A

when you know your spouse

first

produces no children and

Mock

An

Wscldin^, n..

Is

all

too well

marriage of less than five years

regarded as a mere

in

duration that

trial run.’

elaborate ceremony put on for

show (and as an excuse

to have a party), at which no one actually gets married. Popular with young

people who figure they may not get married

until

want to miss out on the fun of celebrating with

much

later in life but don't

their friends now.

Green-Card Marriage Every year thousands of people

who

who have no

inten-

tion of living together or being a couple, get married as a front to secure a

green

card or permanent visa for one of them.

immigration officials

determine whether

know each other

in

aren't in love,

The popularity of

scheme places

this

the strange position of interviewing married couples to

their marriages are real.

well

and

is

Evidence that the couple doesn't

taken as proof that the marriage

•Pamela Paul, The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony Trade Paperbacks, 2003).

(New

is

a sham.

York;

Which

Random House

Romance

means rious

INS purposes, love

that, for

about

is

how often

officials incorrectly

Most people who enter the citizens

who

always phony. (What

is

judge

$10,000

cu-

amateurs— foreigners and

into fake marriages are

earn up to

I'm

marriages to be fake.)

real

decide to help them. But there are professionals

who

and grooms

at first sight

61

— serial brides

One woman

per phony marriage.

in

Harlem was charged with marrying twenty-seven green-card suckers.

Such shenanigans might seem cials,

except for the

even know

it.

In

principally of

concern to immigration

offi-

possibility of identity theft.

You may be married and not

women

recently tried to register their

South Africa hundreds of

The women

(real) marriages, only to be told that they already had husbands.

weren't just being forgetful. Corrupt government officials had, for a small fee,

signed paperwork allowing foreigners to "marry" these citizens

they had chosen at random from the national publicity

campaign to warn people about

South Africa launched a

register.

this danger,

whose names

prompting over two hun-

dred thousand people to check on their marital status. Almost two thousand

sham marriages were discovered and

Weekend Pastors, dings

in

n.:

annulled.

men

Caucasian

men

Japan, even though the

married aren't Christian.

perform Christian-style wed-

hired to

aren't pastors

Many Japanese

and the people getting

couples believe that Christian-style

weddings presided over by a Caucasian pastor look more ideal,

the wedding

like

so they hire white actors to play the role of the pastor.

End Games

When

it's

over,

popular argument for instance,

it's

over. Unless

two never

sham performed filed,

for Holden, the

really

in

an

is

a surprisingly

to get an annulment. Luisa Holden,

insisted that despite the fact that

ton Beach, the

like a

never really began. This

made by those seeking

watched her marry Clive Cardozo

was never

it

idyllic

one hundred guests had

waterfront setting

in

got married. The ceremony, she

for the benefit of Cardozo's sick mother.

Westhampsaid,

The marriage

was

a

license

so she thought the whole thing shouldn't count. Unfortunately

judge didn't agree,

duck and looks

like

a duck,

like a

duck and quacks

a duck." But even better

was the reason-

ruling that "if

it is

ing of Dallas-based lawyer Brian Loncar.

of bigamy by arguing that

his

it

walks

He defended

himself against charges

second marriage wasnt

valid

because

it

was

Hippo Eats Dwarf

performed by an Elvis impersonator either,

in

Las Vegas. The court didn't go for

this

though the indictment was eventually dropped because of lack of

jurisdiction. If

you

can't get the marriage annulled,

and your spouse

is

being disagree-

able about the terms of divorce, a strategy of last resort remains: Divorce a fake

spouse. This

showed up

was the

novel tactic employed by an Osaka, Japan,

at divorce court

accompanied by a woman pretending to be

wife. Together they participated

in

the mediation process, filed

sary paperwork, and walked out as single people.

one flaw pers.

in his

plan

was

man who

Or

that eventually his real wife

She immediately demanded

all

the neces-

so the guy thought. The

was sent the divorce

a retrial on the grounds that she hadn't

present during the proceedings. The

Osaka court

his

staff confessed

it

pa-

been

had never

occurred to them that they should ask for photo ID at a divorce case.

In

1957 the British news show Panorama informed

of that year s spaghetti crop pily

in

Switzerland.

its

viewers of the success

Footage showed Swiss peasants hap-

harvesting pasta from spaghetti trees. Hundreds of people subsequently

phoned the

BBC

to ask

how

deadpan response: "Place a for the best.")

People

in

produced or where

it

all

comes from.

we know,

We

and hoaxes.

pick

it

little

(The BBCs

tomato sauce, and hope

Day

the history of April foolery). But

joke (and arguably the

demonstrated a deeper

about how

their

food

up our groceries prepackaged

our spaghetti could have grown on a tree.

ignorance about the sources of what fears, rumors,

spaghetti trees.

April Fool s

the modern world know very

in

supermarkets. For

own

sprig of spaghetti in a tin of

The broadcast was an

most famous joke principle:

to grow their

we eat

is

in

Our

fuels a multitude of food-related

64

Hippo Eats Dwarf

Reality rule 4.1 Real food rots.

Dorito Syndrome,

n.:

A

li

ngering sense of dissatisfaction and emptiness caused

by prolonged exposure to things without nutritional or edifying contents; iunk food, video

games, the Internet, etc.

Rumors

Plastic Food

Japanese restaurants often display

in their

windows

entrees they serve— a tradition begun eighty years ago realistic

what

as

some of these models

they're served won't also

food they buy

in

be

are, restaurant plastic.

plastic versions

in

of the

the town of Gifu. As

patrons can feel confident that

Consumers

are less confident about the

supermarkets and fast-food chains. Widespread rumors hold that

many popular foods

What

are completely artificial.

lated by e-mail about

some of the foods people

follows are actual claims circu-

are

most suspicious

of.

Margarine Claim:

"Margarine

YOU can

try this yourself: purchase a tub of margarine

is

but

ONE MOLECULE away from being

and leave

your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you couple of things: no it.

(That should

tell

flies,

not even those pesky

you spread margarine

fruit flies, will

tried the all

garage experiment, but

over yourself on a hot day

it

I

table

oil

no way related to

a

go near

Margarine

plastic.

is

if

wouldn't be a very is

that mar-

hydrogenated vege-

(hydrogenation being the process of bonding a hydrogen atom

to the carbon atoms

make

in

note a

suspect that

effective bug repellent. Regardless, the important point is in

will

it

you something.)"

Reality: Ive never

garine

PLASTIC...

in

huge difference

the vegetable in

nature, so

oil).

Granted, one molecule can

maybe the addition of one magic

molecule could transform margarine into plastic— but the same molecule (should it exist, which is doubtful) would probably also turn all the fats in your body into plastic containers.

Food

McDonald Claim:

"In

s

Shakes

the 1970s McDonalds used a non-milk shake, and used to

use Styrofoam

balls as a filler

who

stopped after people

amined the left-over goop

(they pass

right

through you), but they

it is

away and ex-

didn't drink their shakes right

realized

it

and complained

Reality: McDonald's has never used Styrofoam However,

like crazy."

in its

shakes. Period.

true that McDonald's does not use ice cream but, rather,

adds a powdered mix to

milk. Therefore,

many milkshake

lovers refuse

to drink McDonald's shakes, claiming they can feel the gritty their throats. This

Twinkle Defense,

may be the source of the Styrofoam

A

n.:

trial

of

powder

in

rumor.

defense of temporary insanity due to eating

brPadly, any far-fetched, bizarre defense. Derives

Dan White

George Moscone. a

criminal

More

too many Twinkies.

from the

65

for the

1978 murder

of Harvey Milk and

White's attorneys argued that their client should receive

reduced sentence because he was suffering from

a

temporary state of

di-

minished mental capacity due to depression exacerbated by eating too many Twinkies.

The

jury

agreed and sentenced him using only voluntary man-

slaughter guidelines.

Twinkies

Claim:

"Twinkies are

made

entirely out of artificial ingredients,

and

contain no food products. Therefore, Twinkies have a very long shelf life

(possibly decades). At

produced Twinkies by the

some

billions

point

(possibly due to an error

in

over-

market

re-

So Hostess

stored the billions

warehouse and waited

for their distribu-

search) and could not

sell all their

of excess Twinkies

a giant

in

many years ago. Hostess

stock.

tors to place orders.

However, the distributors did not place the ex-

pected

and Hostess was forced to continue storing the

large orders,

Twinkies. Because of the lack of actual food contents

do not go bad you buy

in

for a very long time,

and to

this

the store are from the original stock."

in

Twinkies, they

day the Twinkies that

Hippo Eats Dwarf

Reality: Twinkie creamy

filling"

the brand

is

name

for a "golden

made by Hostess. Popular rumor has

long held that these

cakes are virtually indestructible, although Hostess flour,

eggs, vegetable

and

oil,

only twenty-five days.

stabilizing agents,

The company

sponge cake with

insists they're just

and have a shelf

also points out that

of

seventeen

bakeries crank out five hundred million of the treats every year. for the secret-Twinkie-warehouse theory.

life

So much

However, the mysterious na-

ture of this food product inspired a group of Rice University students

to conduct a

TWINKIES,

series

or Tests

of tests

With Inorganic Noxious Kakes

tions project— determined,

good conductor of

1995. Their research study— the

in

among other

things, that Twinkies are not a

electrical current, that

great heights without suffering

they can be dropped from

much damage, and

Twinkies to high levels of microwave radiation

Velveetify,

V.:

To take an

original

a

is

bad

that exposing idea.

item (such as cheese) and create a more

easily digestible but less nourishing version of philes often complain that

Extreme Situa-

In

it

(such as Velveeta). Biblio-

Hollywood Velveetifies

their favorite

books when

making them into movies.

Velveeta

Claim; Not composition

only

is

is

Velveeta clear before food coloring

why

probably

it

is

sold

in

is

would be confused with

described on

its

plastic explosives.

known

only to Kraft. However,

FDA

regulations

blend of cheeses to which other stuff such as water,

and

The exact

packaging as a "pasteurized processed

cheese spread," which according to

oring,

... its

large rectangular foil-covered blocks

ingredients of Velveeta are a secret

Velveeta

added

also very similar to that of plastic explosives."

Reality: That Velveeta IS

is

means that

its a

salt, artificial col-

stabilizing

agents have been added. Since Velveeta begins its life as a blend of cheeses, it would not be clear before the addition of coloring. Imitation cheese, on the other hand, is made out of vegetable oil (according to the FDAs labeling system),

and therefore would be

Food

translucent before coloring. Technically speaking, Velveeta

cheese, although cheese lovers might disagree. The

itation

picion Velveeta inspires

Drink the KoohAid,

donT

negative:

V.!

half-life,

To adopt

but Velveeta

suicide in

1978 by

Why Food Always Looks Better at the store?

It's

make food look

Food

the food you see

the

Jim Jones

is

members

of Jones's

cheap imitation.

a

Ads in

ads looks better than what you get

because advertisers employ food

its

stylists

in

of the

in

drinking cyanide-laced Kool-

People's Temple actually drank Flavor Aid, which

why

of sus-

Often used

members

Aid. However, according to Kool-Aid enthusiasts, the

Ever wonder

level

eternal.

is

a belief unquestioningly.

drink the Kool-Aid. Refers to the

who committed mass

cult

not an im-

demonstrated by an oft-repeated piece of

is

wisdom: Twinkies have a

is

stylists

who know how

to

best.

have a number of standard

and vegetables can be

tricks. Fruit

shined up with glycerin; pasta piled on top of mashed potatoes looks bigger;

champagne extra

aspirin gives

fizz;

hamburgers that are

left

uncooked on the

and seared with a blowtorch appear moister and plumper; and hairspray

inside

can hold food

But a stands

in

in

place.

of the time what you see

lot

for steam.

cereal won't

White glue

go soggy

glue.

in

is

ads

in

isn't

food at

substituted for milk

And

ice

in

all.

Tobacco smoke

cereal ads

because the

cream that doesn't melt can be made out

of Crisco and corn syrup.

Reality rule 4.2 Unless you grow

yourself,

it

j

you never really know what you’re eating.

h, . a-

>rritii

I

I

.-Vifr

rii

iiT

-

-

-

Permanent Global Summertime, same a

fruits

global

.

The

it

.yi

j it

fruits

.-wiw—

ability of

and vegetables year-round, as

produce industry,

somewhere.

n.:

_

if

it

*

—v

supermarkets to stock the

were always summer. With

and vegetables are always

in

season

Hippo Eats Dwarf

68

Misleading Labels

2003 McDonalds debuted

In

a line of healthier alternatives: a

McVeggie

Burger on a "toasted whole-wheat bun with barbecue sauce, tomatoes, onions

and pickles" and a whole wheat Chicken McGrill sandwich. But the nutritional information for these offerings revealed that the bun wasn't really whole

wheat.

was white bread with caramel

coloring.

At

least

consumers were get-

bun made out of wheat. At supermarkets and restaurants, many food

ting a labels

It

and descriptions

will lead

you much further

astray.

Flavor Fakes

A consumer berries in

might assume there's butter

Hungry Jack blueberry pancakes, but that would be naive.

amine the packaging you

II

discover that the blue things

pieces of dextrose, and the popcorn

These are examples of the food voring.

Thanks to

board taste blueberries blueberries. ers use lab

Blast-O-Butter popcorn, or blue-

in

like

in

artificial flavors,

a juicy steak

our pancakes they

The same goes

flavored

— nothing

if

on

for

food scientists can make a piece of cardto.

So

instead of selling us real

cheap oil-based substitutes flavored

us

code word

for "this

product was created

like

to differentiate

between

natural

Fast

dubious. Chemically speaking, natural and

artificial flavors

a lab. But they're both produced

thing

Ploughman S Lunch,

in industrial

in British

n.;

a

and

artificial fla-

Nation, the distinction are identical.

The

is

dif-

pubs.

in

the

1984

removed from any-

natural.

Marketed as

film

mixed from scratch

are

settings far

midday meal of cheese,

was created by the food industry

Used

Food

artificial flavors

most consumers would think was

served

a

that "natural" flavors are produced by using solvents to extract flavor-

causing chemicals from food, whereas in

in

in it is real."

vors, but as Eric Schlosser points out in

is

like

thousands of other food products. Manufactur-

labels as a

Food manufacturers

ference

oil.

industry's not-so-secret secret: artificial fla-

they want

sell

you ex-

the pancakes are

in

flavored with soybean

is

If

in

pickles, bread,

and salad,

a traditional

farmers meal, though

the 1970s.

A

faux traditional meal.

The Ploughman's Lunch as

Thatcher administration's manipulation of the media.

it

a

metaphor

for the

69

Food

The

Bait and Switch

The use of blueberry-flavored dextrose chunks might be misleading, but least

you read the

if

label

you can find out what you're buying.

instances food producers aren't as forthcoming.

In

They promise one

at

many other

thing but de-

cheaper and entirely different substitute, without ever providing the

liver a

smallest clue about

what they've done. The practice

is illegal,

but widespread.

Producers of frozen chicken nuggets are among the most notorious offendRegulators

ers.

in

the United Kingdom recently became concerned

detected beef and pork proteins

in

samples of imported nuggets. Unscrupulous

manufacturers were buying cheap chicken meat and bulking it

with water and ground-up parts— including skin and

pigs. In

when they

some cases consumers were

lucky

if

up by injecting

it

bones— of

old

cows and

nuggets were 10 per-

their chicken

cent chicken meat.

Ordering

fish at bargain

seafood restaurants

Robb Walsh toured Houston-area

critic

is

a similar gamble.

restaurants he found

all

When

kinds of

food

cheap

species creatively renamed and offered to diners as more expensive

fish

eties. Pacific rockfish, red rock cod.

were

all

served to him as "snapper."

tain lobster but did contain

vari-

South African hake, and Gulf sheepshead

He

also found lobster tacos that didn't con-

South American langoustine (which

is

kind of like

a large shrimp).

What you get when you buy rant chefs substitute

cheap pork

other meats can be just as surprising. Restaufor veal,

because most diners

can't taste the

difference.

A supermarket

was

horse meat. Regulators suspected the store had been making this

really

switch for years.

And

were labeled pate de

in

in

Canada was fined $80,000

Israel,

for selling "beef" that

authorities seized eighty thousand cans that

foie gras, but contained Bulgarian

dog food.

Speaking of dog food, pet lovers might want to think twice about what they're feeding their companions, especially

cheap

stuff. In

producer Keith

they're feeding

them the

really

the San Francisco Chronicle and elsewhere, independent

Wood

pet-food industry. things

if

— including

food producers.

He

has exposed alleges

some of the most unsavory

meat renderers

grind up

cats and dogs from the pound

He even documented

cases

the rendering machines with their flea collars

in

all

— that

TV

practices of the

kinds of unappetizing

they then

sell

to pet-

which dogs were thrown into

still

on, joining the skunks, rats.

Hippo Eats Dwarf

and raccoons already

food

is

puppies!

Coined Name,

names

in

pet

puppies! (See page 75: Soylent Green')

It's

A

n.:

there. To paraphrase Charlton Heston: Soylent

name

fake

whose

restaurants give to fish species

real

are unappetizing. For instance, restaurant patrons are usually reluc-

tant to order Patagonian toothfish, but happily request

if it's

renamed Chilean sea bass they

it.

Bottled Water

comes from

Just because the label says bottled water that doesn't

mean

does.

it

2003

In

uted by Nestle, with a class action

were deceptive. The since 1967, and

sold as spring

Maine was, according to the

Coca-Cola admitted

its

suit,

recall

the company's marketing claims

the Maine

the entire

UK

woods

water "found deep

in

hadn't flowed

the

woods of

A

year later

actually treated groundwater.

insisted the

as bottled water gets," but this claim

Cola had to

in

Poland Spring Water, distrib-

Dasani brand of bottled water

The company

purified tap water.

hit

suit alleging

Poland Spring

original

what was

consumers

a mountain spring,

was nothing more than

water was nevertheless

was undercut

a

month

later

supply of Dasani water because

"as

pure

when Cocait

had been

contaminated by a cancer-causing chemical.

Consumers who noticed the

billboards for

began appearing around the United States

in

Outhouse Springs Water

the summer of

2003

that

must have

thought a company had decided to be unusually up front about the source of Its

water.

The

billboards sported catchy slogans such as

"It's

^1, not ^2,"

"America's first recycled water," and "Truly Tasteless Water." Fortunately (or unfortunately,

depending on ones perspective). Outhouse Springs didn't

was

a fictional product

how

effective billboard advertising could be. But

came great enough

that the

demand

for the product be-

agency struck a deal with a bottled-water com-

was

Artificially

n..

Food

It

dreamed up by Adams Outdoor Advertising to show

pany to produce a limited run of Outhouse Springs Water for rare case in which consumers hoped a product label

Frankenfood,

exist.

that

comes from

engineered food.

real.

This

was the

false.

genetically modified plants or animals.

Food

^

case file:

Frankenchicken

1991 Kentucky Fried Chicken officially changed

In

new name was "fried"

(with

shorter and snappier. Plus,

all its

name

its

to

KFC. The

reduced emphasis on the word

it

unhealthy connotations) and on the word "chicken" (since

the restaurant had introduced an expanded menu that offered far more than

was the

just chicken). This, at least, orists In

on the Internet knew

official explanation.

But conspiracy the-

better.

the late 1990s a circulating e-mail claimed the government had prohib-

ited the

company from

longer being served to

using the

KFC

word

"chicken"

because

chickens were no

real

customers. "They actually use genetically manip-

ulated organisms," the e-mail declared. "These so called chickens' are kept alive

by tubes inserted into

their

bodies to

pump blood and

nutrients through-

out their structure. They have no beaks, no feathers, and no feet. Their bone structure

is

called itself

dramatically shrunk to get more

If

the company

Kentucky Fried Frankenchicken that would be okay. But Kentucky

Fried Chicken

The

meat out of them."

was

false advertising.

e-mail alluded to a University of

New

Hampshire study that somehow

proved these allegations, and as the rumor gained momentum, thousands of worried customers called the university to find out more.

study had been conducted there, and ing

mutant chickens. But as In

2005 KFC

its

Southern

2003

the rumor was

name of Kentucky

roots.

course, no such

vehemently denied

seemed to concede defeat.

finally

restaurants under the old

to return to

late as

KFC

Of

It

still

it

was breed-

going strong.

began opening some

Fried Chicken, saying

it

wanted

But the conspiracy theorists knew better. They

always know better.

Waiter, There’s Something in In

My

1906 The Jungle, by Upton

Food!

Sinclair,

exposed the dark secrets of the

meat-packing industry. Readers were shocked to learn what was ground up and included floor.

in their

The

sausages:

rats,

public outcry the

human

fingers,

book provoked

and garbage shoveled off the

indirectly led to the creation of

the Food and Drug Administration, which regulates the food industry. ever, the public

is still

How-

sensitive about the idea of foreign objects ending up

in

72

Hippo Eats Dwarf

nasty things found commercially prepared food. Claims about attract a

in

what we eat

and food providers huge amount of attention, placing restaurants

Sometimes these claims are an awkward (and legally vulnerable) position. and sometimes they're

not— there's no easy way

Chicken McNoggin: November

to

tell

Newport News,

2000

marketed

in

McDonalds

(They were Mighty Wings, which were being

Virginia.

real,

the difference.

her local Katherine Ortega bought a box of chicken wings at in

in

the area, rather than Chicken McNuggets, as

was often

test-

later re-

surprise: ported.) But upon taking the meal home, she discovered an unpleasant

head included with the wings. She immediately con-

a breaded, fried chicken

tacted the

media— and

batter on

looked exactly

it

a lawyer. Reporters like

something she had created wouldn't net her

before biting chicken head

much

down isn't

in

into

the it

who examined

the batter on the wings, so

herself.

way

the head said the

it

of a settlement because she found the head

(thus lessening the gross factor). Also, since a

exactly a foreign object

Press

AAin/Oaily

S«ng|ib

Copyright

reality that

seem to be

However, lawyers advised her that suing

in

a

box of chicken

have had to argue that she experienced psychological trauma with the

didn't

chickens have heads.

So

parts,

she would

when confronted

a lawsuit never materialized. But

Food

the picture of the battered chicken head did

become one of the most

fre-

quently forwarded e-mail images for the next few years.

Distancing,

v.:

Concealing where food comes from for marketing reasons; cre-

ating distance

between the

sometimes

ugly,

brutal world of the farm and

the pleasant product that appears on your plate.

appear as unlike the animal

in Irvine,

women were California,

clam chowder. At it

eating at a

when one

McCormick

of them

she thought

first

as possible.

2002

Clam Condom: February Four

comes from

it

into her napkin she discovered

it

it

bit

was

was

a

& Schmicks seafood

won

restaurant

down on something rubbery

a piece of calamari, but

in

her

when she

spit

condom. She immediately complained

and the restaurant manager took the condom from and

making meat

In particular,

her.

The woman

an undisclosed settlement from the restaurant. The restaurant,

sued the supplier of the clam chowder, but

Fried Mouse:

A man

September

2003

combo meal and discovered

in

Baltimore bit

a deep-fried

down

into his

mouse lodged between

the skin and the meat of the chicken. Police believed the complaint was

imate since the restaurant had been cited for rodent infestations

Soup Mouse: May

A woman mouse

in

turn,

in

lost.

eating at Popeyes Fried Chicken

three-piece

sued

later

in

legit-

the past.

2004

and her son eating at a Cracker

a bowl of vegetable soup.

Barrel restaurant

found a dead

The woman immediately began screaming,

prompting other patrons to leave. While investigating the incident. Cracker Barrel

stopped offering the vegetable soup at

wide. But

when

Wendy^s

drowning in

Chili Finger:

in

of

its

restaurants nation-

in

soup, police concluded that the

woman

skull

had

the soup herself.

When Anna Ayala restaurant

497

an autopsy revealed that the mouse had died from a

fracture, not from

placed the mouse

all

bit

March

2005

down on something

California, she spit

it

hard

in

a

bowl of

out and discovered

it

chili

was

a

at a

Wendy's

human

finger.

74

Hippo Eats Dwarf

She

said she then

began vomiting. Wendy's launched an

but couldn't find anyone involved ing a finger.

The company

in

the preparation of the food

also offered a

about how the rogue digit ended up their

own

investigation, and a

the

in

month

$ 100,000 reward

at work.

later arrested Ayala.

The couple had paid the man $50

from the hoax exceeded $

Fish Tomsto, in

n..

A

for

who was

any information

who

for

it.

The

finger,

lost

it in

had

tomato, bred by the

were supposed to allow the tomato to

came

turned

an accident

Wendy's estimated

DNA

lost sales

Plant Technology Corporation

1991, that contained genes from the Arctic flounder. The

the product never

it

million a day.

I

company found that the

miss-

Meanwhile, the police launched

chili.

belonged to an acquaintance of her husband

out,

internal investigation,

flavor of the

resist cold better.

fish

genes

However, after the

tomato wasn't improved

in

any way,

to market.

Reality Check:

Meat Trees

Have researchers genetically engineered fruit trees that

A May 2003

can grow meat?

article that circulated online

described trees, developed by

the bioengineering firm UltraModAgri Group, that supposedly side grapefruit.

The

article

quoted a researcher as saying,

grew meat

in-

"We

take the genes from cattle that produce key proteins and splice them into the reproductive cells of grapefruit trees... When the seeds mature into trees, instead of producing ordinary citrus fruit, the pulp contains meat. You get the flavor, texture-even the smell." As science fiction fans know, gene-splicing technology

makes anything possible-except article

was

for

meat-growing trees. The source of the

was the Weekly World News, an immediate

false

(see chapter

enough, a few months

10:

The Weekly World News Effect). But, strangely

earlier

success at growing meat

NASA-funded

in a lab dish.

may one day have meat-makers chunks of chicken.

Indication that the article

researchers had announced

So even

sitting

if

we

some

never have meat trees,

we

on our countertops, growing us fresh

Food

Reality rule 4.3 Most people who say

they’ll

But' a

Popcorn Facts,

n.; Inoffensive

few

eat anything are joking. aren’t.

and meaningless facts. Useless

trivia.

Soylent Green Soylent Green future

in

is

B-movie from the 1970s

a

which overpopulation has resulted

survive on the food the government gives

starring Charlton

Heston.

them— a

mysterious wafer called In

scene at the movies end, Heston lurches into the center of a crowd,

Green

is

PEOPLE!

transforming dead bodies into tasty snacks.

a

massive overcrowding, people

in

Soylent Green. But Hestons character discovers an awful secret.

knees, and screams, “Soylent

In

IT'S

Human

lent

Green

is

just a movie, but cannibalism, real

ring

theme

in

popular culture.

a classic

to his

falls

PEOPLE!" The government society

is

eating

itself.

is

Soy-

and simulated, remains a recur-

Manbeef.com When Manbeef.com claiming to

We

sell

appeared online

in

early

200

I

it

caused quite a

stir

by

everything the "sophisticated human meat consumer" could want:

have everything from Sausages and Soup Bones to Bouillon and

Stock. All

made

human meat we texture.

We

with the highest quality

sell

has been selected for

human meats. Every its

superb quality and flawless

only offer the choicest cuts of meat.

The accompanying

pictures of

a nice stomach-churning touch.

meat being squeezed through a grinder were

Savvy

Manbeef.com had to be a hoax. After

Web

all,

surfers realized right

the site offered no

product. However, thousands of other surfers were taken to investigate.

managed

cut of

The bureau

didn't find

in,

way

away

that

to buy the

prompting the FBI

evidence of wrongdoing, and the

site

to remain online for a couple of months before collapsing beneath the

Hippo Eats Dwarf

76

Manbeef.com, offering the choicest cuts of human meat

weight of public censure. (The

Soon

after

it

He

to an adults-only porn site.)

vanished, a Los Angeles graphic designer

anonymous) took thumpers.

URL now takes you

credit for the hoax, stating he had

also

managed to

sell

few

quite a

(who chose

to remain

wanted to annoy

Bible-

T-shirts.

Soylent Sauce In

early

factory

in

2004

if

in

China exposed the grim secret that a soy sauce

Hubei was cutting costs by making

but out of human so

authorities

hair.

you process the

Apparently

hair correctly

hair it

is

its

sauce not out of soybeans,

rich in proteins, just as

will yield a protein

soybeans

are,

stew that can serve as

the base for soy sauce. Consumers were warned to watch out for cut-rate

sauces with the word "blended" on their

labels.

Similar rumors persist about bakery products such as bagels, croissants,

pizza dough. Bakers often

add the amino acid L-cysteine to dough to make

softer and more elastic. L-cysteine can be or,

yes,

human

hair.

Reportedly Asia

for this purpose. Its hard to sible ily

they

re true,

and

is

know what

made out of

it

feathers, hooves, horns,

the worlds major supplier of cheap hair to

make of such rumors, since

it is

pos-

although you would think food manufacturers could more eas-

obtain animal parts than

human

parts.

Certain orthodox religious groups

Food

avoid bakery products on the off chance the hair rumor

who

ers of the Atkins Diet

77

true— unlike follow-

is

avoid them because they're fattening.

Human-Flavored Tofu Hufu stands

site that claims to sell flesh."

it,

Hufu

is

little

the texture and flavor of human

this stuff "simulates

And what does human

texture and a

According to eathufu.com, the web-

for human-flavored tofu.

sweeter

flesh taste like? "Like

in

He wants

eties of hufu, but he's starting with just one: basically resemble the choicer flesh,

does offer

site

a little softer in

taste."

the brainchild of Mark Nuckols.

Oh, and the

beef but

which

is

to eventually offer vari-

Hufu Classic

These

Strips.

"will

upper arms, thighs and buttocks."

a range of clothing items, including T-shirts

and

chef aprons (plus the Soylent Green DVD). The clothes, Nuckols concedes, are

expected to be the main source of

his

When

May 2005,

eathufu.com came online

doubts about

human

it.

I

in

company's revenue.

sell

publicly expressed a

wondered how Nuckols could know

flesh since he admitted he had never eaten

that he could

I

regular tofu, call

it

who

Homo

product tasted

sapiens.

I

also

like

noted

human-flavored, and (except for a very

few people) no one would know the e-mails from Nuckols,

his

few

difference. This resulted

insisted that hufu

was

in

a flurry of

a "bona fide undertaking."

Duly noted. But don't expect to see hufu at a supermarket near you anytime soon.

It's

an Internet-only treat.

Reality Check; There are

all

kinds of dietary practices.

only raw food. Others load up on

who

Strange Diets

shun

all

fruit.

carbs. Try to guess

Some

people eat

Then there if

are those

the dietary

practices listed below are real or fake.

Mineralarianism Does

a

refusing to

group known as mineralarians subsist only on foods of mineral

be responsible

Mineralarians believe

to

kill

a cow,

because

origin,

for taking the lives of animals or plants?

it's

just as

all life is

wrong to

kill

the lowliest bacterium as

it is

interrelated. Therefore they restrict themselves

Hippo Eats Dwarf

to a diet of pure minerals, extracting

the nutrients they need to survive from

water, and rock. Strict mineralarians refuse to nourish themselves from fos-

air,

sil

all

fuels such as coal

and petroleum, since

"fossils are usually

the result of vio-

lence and often contain plain evidence of a beings untimely and painful death."

Even

stricter mineralarians will only

consume

material of an extraterrestrial ori-

gin (such as meteorites) for fear that material of terrestrial origin

part of a living creature. But, of course, there are

(Did you

of Charles Bennett, a researcher at IBM in his

He

spare time.

ever, there really

on

light

and

air.

is

insists

who

a

no practicing mineralarians.

there were?) This dietary practice

really think

was once

is

the fanciful creation

enjoys creating parody websites

he doesn't know any practicing mineralarians.

a religious group, called Breatharians,

who

How-

claim to subsist

Wiley Brooks has been promoting the practice

in

the United

States since the 1970s, though he was once found secretly eating hamburgers. air

(He

and

said pollution

light.) Several

was preventing him from getting enough

nutrition from

people throughout the world have been found starved to

death with copies of Breatharian teachings beside them, examples of Darwinian survival at its finest.

|£The

Tapeworm Diet

Are tapeworms (or tapeworm since the

worm

will

larvae)

sometimes consumed as

grow inside the stomach and consume

all

a diet aid,

the extra food the

person eats?

Rumor holds

worm

heads.

that quack doctors used to

Once

the desired weight loss

removed with poison. However, clients

also

get incredibly

consume

sick.

if

sell

diet

pills

that contained tape-

was achieved, the tapeworm was

doctors did

this,

they were only helping their

Tapeworms do consume the food you

eat, but they

the necessary vitamins, leaving you malnourished. Plus, you can look forward to your immune system reacting to the presence of a large worm in your gut, causing your stomach to swell up and cysts to appear in your eyes. Its not pleasant stuff. The opera singer Maria Callas did once have a tapeworm removed from her system, and some sources said she had purposefully taken gelatin capsules containing larvae to lose weight. But most of her biographers say she unintentionally got infected by eating raw steak and liver tartare.

all

Food

i

(gg,Auto -urine Therapy Do many

people drink their own urine, claiming to derive numerous health

benefits from it?

Drinking your

own

urine

said to help improve your

is

give you nice skin, prevent aging, and fight starters.

gum

disease.

immune system,

And

that's just for

According to urine-drinking enthusiasts (and, yes, there are quite a

few of them),

there's almost nothing this magical liquid won't cure. Indian holy

men have been promoting

auto-urine therapy for thousands of years.

medicine, however, has never been able to find any health benefit

of auto-urine therapy

culiar variant

number of pro baseball hands during the season

is

skin.

Urea

is,

in it.

A

pe-

the use of urine as a skin toughener.

A

players have admitted to regularly peeing on their in

the belief that doing so

will

allow them to better catch balls without gloves. But,

soften the

Modern

after

all,

an ingredient

toughen

if

their skin

anything, urine would

many commercial

in

and

moisturiz-

ing lotions.

Where’s the Beef?: something

is

all

A

rhetorical question

used to express the suspicion that

image and no substance.

First

used

in a

1984 marketing

campaign by the fast-food restaurant Wendy's. Entered mainstream usage the

same year when

presidential hopeful Walter

tion of his Democratic

rival,

Mondale asked

this

ques-

Gary Mart.

Pets or Meat

whom we

share our

between these two

points of

To some people pets are the adorable creatures with

homes. To others they're

view

is

just a meal.

The

friction

inspiration for endless mischief.

PetsOrFood.com claims to be "dedicated to certified organic animals at wholesale prices. lizard for

Whether

you're getting a pet

your son or a dozen Doberman flank steaks for a Super Bowl party."

The website offers selection

bringing consumers healthy,

includes

a range of species,

bald eagles,

clubbed and frozen).

Plus,

all

snakes,

delivered live or "ready to eat."

hamsters, and

they provide recipes, just

ing for sweet-and-sour koala loaf. Yes, the site

so well done

it

had

me

is

in

baby seals (freshly

case you have a hanker-

a hoax. (I

constantly second-guessing.)

The

think— though

it's

Hippo Eats Dwarf

80

Another recurring joke mail.

2004

In

a

European

picture of a cute rabbit clared:

lovely rabbit for

New

bunny black-

site displayed a

named Bernd and de-

swear by God,

“I

is

will

I

have

Years Eve Dinner

this if

my

account doesn't show a balance of at least

€

1,000,000

What their

tive action. lease,

The Free Bernd group

and a group of

German

hadn't

come anywhere

31st Dec 2004!"

latest

could rabbit lovers do but surrender

money? Some

did attempt

circulated a petition

more proac-

demanding Bernd's

themselves the Rabbit

militants calling

threatened to rescue Bernd by force. But

som

by

when December

re-

Company

31 came, the ran-

close to being raised, and Bernd died.

(Or

so the

website claimed.)

Hot on the heels of Save Bernd there appeared Save Toby, an American website threatening to extinguish the planet

unless people

owner warned,

to eat him.

to have him slaughter this cute bunny.

mer

feast.

Early

in

the

the site admitted,

I

is

But

Now

sold by

I

will

bunny on the

case of nonpayment, Toby's

am going

to take Toby to a butcher

then prepare Toby for a midsum-

a joke: please only

the bunny

donate to buy gear or help sup-

disclaimer later disappeared.

this

2005, Toby had been granted owner secured.

I

In

little

of SaveToby.com/ a small notice at the bottom of

life

his

port savetoby.com.

of "the cutest

coughed up $50,000.

am going

"I

life

a year's reprieve thanks to a

will

die unless

As of August book deal

his

one hundred thousand books are

November 2006. Such shameless extortion makes one sympathize

with the

sites that

rival

have sprung up: CookToby.com and, even better,

ScrewToby.com-

UntUrkoy,

n..

A

La Malbouffe,

fake turkey

n.:

a

made

of soy and wheat.

French term for foul (or fake) food. Coined by the

farmer Jose Bov4, who became a national hero for burning down a

Donalds restaurant French culture.

in

Millau.

He

Mc-

claimed McDonald's was corrupting

Food

Reality Check;

81

Strange Foods

People throughout the world eat many strange things.

But does anyone

really

eat this stuff?

V.

(jl^Turkey

Testicles

Are turkey The

first

testicles considered a delicacy in the

question many people have

ing turkey testicles

(TheyVe tucked away

when confronted with

whether turkeys have

is

who have

hosted the world-famous Turkey Testicle Festival. In

a

yes.

is

a taste for that kind of

town of Byron,

"Come and have

Illinois,

a ball"

has

is its

case you're curious, they deep-fry them. Calvin Schwabe, author of

Unmentionable Cuisine, notes that turkey

ment to

The answer

testicles.

thing. Annually for the past twenty-five years, the

slogan.

the idea of eat-

inside the bird.) Its also true that turkey nuts or turkey

considered quite a delicacy by those

fries are

American Midwest?

good

testicles are the perfect

comple-

martini.

(^j^Edlble Outdoor Gear Does Eastern Active Technologies manufacture

edible outdoor gear (sleep-

ing bags, stove fuel, etc.) that allows backpackers to progressively lighten their

loads on long hikes by eating what they have to carry?

The Eastern Active Technologies (EAT) website, ediblegear.com, describes products such as a SnackSack sleeping bag made out of VeggieLoft; trekking poles crafted from compressed beef, chicken, shrimp, and textured protein; and tarps available try to order is

in "delicious fruit flavors." It all

any of

this stuff

looks intriguingly

real,

you get a message informing you that

but

if

you

their server

unable to process your request and suggesting you "print your order form,

tape

it

to the back of a mental patient, and hope that

offices."

So

I

think

it's

g^Cat-Droppings Is

fair

he/ she wanders near our

to assume that edible outdoor gear

is

a hoax.

Coffee

the most expensive coffee

in

the world

made from

coffee beans eaten and

excreted by Indonesian cats? It's

brew

called Kopi

in

Luwak, and

the world. (It

its

retails for

promoters do claim

about

$300

it's

a pound.)

the most expensive

When

the Indonesian

Hippo Eats Dwarf

palm toddy cat (which

is

actually a mongooselike civet, not a cat) eats coffee

down

beans, theyVe partially broken

them— before

earthy flavor to

stuff

is

so

to have that job?), which

like

Ravens Brew Coffee markets Kopi Luwak

rare.

the slogan "good to the the ability to produce

last

— adding

digestive system

a rich,

being passed. Workers handpick the beans out

(how would you

of the cats feces

its

in

dropping." Just to

this stuff,

clarify, regular

in

is

why

the

America with

cats

do not have

so don't think you can supplement your income

by slipping a few coffee beans into Fluffy's food.

(jl^Cow

Urine

there a thriving market for

Is

cow

where many consider

urine in India,

it

a

— called gomutram

in

health drink?

According to cow-urine aficionados,

India— treats Indian bottle,

cow

manner of

all

illnesses, including

cancer and diabetes.

shelters have found this health fad quite lucrative.

and ship the

stuff.

masked with herbs and strong its

this bracing tonic

spawned

The biggest problem

spices.

Or

just drink

cow

a market for fake

off by scam artists as authentic

cow

in this

top quality should keep their

own cow.

Does an American

made from ham,

urine

pee.

ating the real from the fake

it

I

is

down

in

really fast.

Well, people

who

can't

swallow

is

so

who want

a guarantee of

meatshakes— shakes

a blender and sipped through a straw?

solid

why

not combine the

food might whip themselves up an

occasional meatshake, but the notion hasn't yet

Long Beach band

Demand

can offer no advice for differenti-

Americans love meat, and they love milkshakes. So

two?

just filter,

— buffalo or sheep urine passed

case, but those

mixed

They

of

the smell, but that can be

chain of fast-food restaurants offer

beef, or chicken,

Owners

gone mainstream. However, a

Ugly Duckling did create an elaborate hoax website that claimed to be the home page of the MeatShake Corporation. (Its called

corpo-

rate slogan

was "Meat. Lots of meat.")

otherwise savvy b3ta.com.

making

was

Once

their

Web

surfers,

the site was

own

that whether

such as fully

was convincing enough to fool some Rob Manuel, cofounder of the popular It

debunked, a few brave souls couldn't

meatshakes, just to see what they tasted

made out of ham,

beef, or chicken, they

like.

resist

The consensus

were disgusting.

83

Food

(j^Army Worm Wine is

hang

fermented army worms (worms that

a delicate white wine created from in

weblike sacks from trees)?

Ray Reigstad of Duluth, Minnesota,

is

Wine (armywormwine.com). To my knowledge, he world making

this stuff.

other ingredients, and uct tastes

He mashes up

lets this

note

ify this. Purists

it's

is

the only person

I've

never sampled

probably the sugar, not the army

Asia. Travelers report finding snake in

the

wicked cocktail ferment. He says the end prodto ver-

it

worms themselves,

common

in

wine and even (animal) penis wine

in

fermenting. Wines of meaty or buggy varieties are actually quite

restaurants

in

the worms, adds sugar, water, yeast, and

pinot grigio or white Bordeaux, but

like

Army Worm

the proud creator of

China and Vietnam. Reportedly, the more venomous the snake,

the better the wine.

(I

don't

know what makes

for the best penis

the wines are created by adding the animal (or animal part) to

meaning the animal

itself isn't part

you order a bottle of snake wine

wine.) But rice

wine-

of the fermentation process. Thus,

there'll

be a big snake

when

staring out of the bottle

at you. Ditto for the penis varietals.

Rodent Cheese Is

cheese made from the milk of lactating

rats considered

a delicacy in

France?

The French do

love cheese, and they produce a bewildering array of

it.

But

they don't make rodent cheese. Theoretically cheese can be made from the milk of any animal (including humans), but

it

takes about ten pounds of milk to pro-

duce one pound of cheese. To produce awful

lot

of

rats.

So

if

rat-milk cheese,

you would need an

you stumble across the website of the Federation of Ro-

dent Cheesemakers, deedah.org/cheese, you can rest assured spite

its

claim that "fine rat cheeses are

becoming ever more

case you're wondering about human-breast-milk cheese.

anyone making tried.

it,

though

The problem

producer eats.

is

it

would

surprise

that the cheese's flavor

So you would want

cheese that tastes

me

like rotting

meat.

is

if

someone,

I've

at

it's

a hoax, de-

popular."

And

in

never heard of

some

point, hadn't

influenced by whatever the milk

vegetarian milk donors, unless you

like

A niimbBr culating

of commontotors, reactiing to fake pictures

on the

Internet, have recently expressed concern

that our ability to digitally manipulate images lic

confidence

couldn't

in

will

erode pub-

the trustworthiness of photography.

so,

If

it

happen a moment too soon. Photography has never

been trustworthy. The sooner everyone better.

cir-

realizes this, the :

Photography

Reality rule

5.1

“Photographs may not

V

-

Photoshop,

Adobe.

1.

A

n.;

hut liars may photograph.”*

lie,

i

^

.

brand of digital-image-manipulation software marketed by

To

2. V.I

85

digitally alter

word 'photoshop'' as a verb,

an image.

Adobe

objects to the use of the

insisting that instead of saying "the

image was

photoshopped" people should say "the image was enhanced using Adobe* Photoshop® software." While Adobes suggested alternative catchy,

it

is

certainly

hasn't achieved widespread use.

Moving the Body You don't need a darkroom or image-manipulation software to create a fake image. Fakery can be achieved simply by posing people or objects

ways.

It's

a technique

known

as "moving the body," and

it's

in artificial

one of the oldest

photographic tricks around.

The term derives from

a series of photo-

graphs taken by Alexander Gardner after the Battle of Gettysburg

in

1863. The pictures A

show Confederate sharpshooters they had been shot. But

in

lying

1975,

where

historian

William Frassanito determined that the

same

body appeared

other

different images.

in

words, Gardner had

around to pose In

it

1936 the

in

to

images

it

a soldier's corpse

various dramatic locations.

federal Resettlement

ministration did the in

moved

In

same with

a steer's skull

provided newspapers

dramatize (for

political

Ad-

in

order

purposes) the The perambulaLing

severity of the drought editors at the Fargo

known

in

skull of

South Dakota

South Dakota. But

Forum caught the deception. The moving prop came

as the "perambulating

skull."

'Documentary photographer Lewis Mine, 1874-1940

to

be

Hippo Eats Dwarf

8B

The same

kind of trickery continues today.

New

York Times ran a dramatic photo of a

a toy

gun outside an Arabian food store

where an alleged al-Qaeda sleeper Pulitzer Prize-winning

cell

On

September 20, 2002, the

young boy of Arabic descent aiming

New

Lackawanna,

in

York, near to

had operated. The photo was taken by

photographer Ed Keating, but

rival

photographers pres-

ent at the scene accused Keating of staging the shot, claiming he had arranged the scene

'like a

fashion shoot.” Keating denied the allegations, but

was nev-

ertheless forced to resign from the Times.

Real Picture, Fake Caption People say a picture tures usually require a totally

is

worth a thousand words, but

few words of

change the meaning of a

explanation.

And

a

its also

few wrong words can

picture.

Newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst was notorious papers to recaption photos creatively.

his

a picture of in

Mexican

children, their

In

1913 the

New

for allowing

York Americen ran

hands raised above their heads, standing

the ocean. The caption said the children were being driven into the water

to be executed.

In reality,

the children were waving to a British tourist stand-

on the beach (and the photo was taken

ing In

true that pic-

1932 Hearst s New York Daily Mirror

in British

ran a

ger marchers storming Buckingham Palace

Honduras, not Mexico).

photo of what in

it

said

were hun-

London. The photo actually

showed well-wishers gathered outside the palace V was

in

1929 when King George

ill.

Advertisers also play fast and loose with captions. Before and after weight-loss pictures are frequent offenders. Was the after picture really taken after using the product? Do the images even show the same person, or is the after image the before womans slender twin sister (as happened in one

case)?

Another frequent offender tures look great, but

ing?

A 2003

is

the tourism brochure. Those sun-and-surf pic-

were they taken

in

the location to which you'd be travel-

brochure for Bermuda featured beaches in Hawaii, scuba divers in the Seychelles, and a woman swimming with a dolphin in Florida A covered bridge prominently displayed in a Kentucky tourism brochure was actually located in New Hampshire.

Photography

Finally there's the Internet,

more

war

interesting. During the

two enormous

huge

spider!!!!

Iraq

a picture has circulated

picture

showing

.

.

Iraq— This

in

.

This picture

example of why you

a perfect

is

in

make any

caption reads:

Camel Spider found a

a creative caption can

spiders locked together and dangling from a soldier's uniform.

An accompanying

is

where

don't want to go to the desert.

These

are

2

of the biggest

I've

ever seen. With a vertical leap that would

make

a pro basketball

weep with envy (they have

player

to be able to jump up on to a

camels

[s/c]

stomach after

anesthesia so you can't feel suck out your juices

like a

they latch on and inject you with a

all), it

local

feeding on you. They eat flesh, not just

normal spider.

I'm

gonna be having nightmares

after seeing this photo!

Camel

And

spiders are real.

They do

live in Iraq.

They

are big and nasty-looking.

image wasn't photoshopped or manipulated. But the caption was

this

mostly a

lie

because these creatures don't

latch

onto camels and feed on

camel spiders are nonvenomous,

flesh, nor

do they feed on humans.

though

you're a cricket, pillbug, or scorpion, you might

if

In reality,

their

want to

steer clear of

them.

Pixel Plasticity, n.;

The ease

with which the pixels that

make up

digital im-

ages can be altered and rearranged.

Virtual

Insertion,

n.:

An

object digitally inserted into a picture. For

in-

stance, fake billboards are often inserted into the background during the

broadcast of sports games. it

at

first

If

you were at the game, instead of watching

home, you wouldn't see that huge advertisement base.

for Viagra behind

Hippo Eats Dwarf

case file: The

real

world

vertisements. If

In

of

is full

ads,

Cut-and-Paste Diversity racial

everyone

is

one

something

like

bunch of actors. But

a university, displaying diversity

feel obliged to if

show

pictures of people

who

if

becomes a

students interacting with one another

when the brochure was

no prob-

little trickier.

You

was the

in

prob-

charge of put-

undergraduate application brochure. Try as

they might, they couldn't “find any good photos of a

But

is

actually attend the school. But

lem faced by the University of Wisconsin-Madison officials

2001-2002

ad-

you're advertising

the school doesn't have many minority students? This

ting together the

in

big, happy, diverse family.

you're advertising soft drinks, creating the illusion of diversity

lem. You just hire a racially diverse

what

Not so the fake world shown

tension.

in

racially

diverse group of

a positive way.

mailed to fifty

thousand potential students, the problem had apparently been solved. The cover boasted a

crowd scene from a recent Badger football game. Most of the students

in

the crowd were

white, but on the left-hand side of the shot

was

a smiling black student.

It

was

a charming

picture of a racially harmonious campus.

But Anna Gould, a staffer at the Daily Cardinal

UW-Madisons student newspaper,

noticed that everyone

shadow except

who

in

the picture was

for the lone black

student—

had the sun shining directly on him.

trigued,

in

Gould tracked down the

In-

original

photo and discovered that the black student, Diallo Shabazz, wasn't in

it.

He

hadn't

tended the game. His face had been

even

at-

digitally

inserted into the cover photo. ^X/hen the revelation broke

2000, embarrassed

in

September

university officials admit-

ted they had photoshopped Shabazz's face into the

photo (without

Now

you see him, now you don’t. Diallo

Shabazz becomes an his

permission), and

unwilling

attendee

of a Badger football game.

Photography

then frantically tried to

when

recall

the brochures that had been sent out. Curiously,

e-mailed the university

I

2005

in

to get more details about the incident,

the school's senior photographer responded that

of an unfortunate error

in

me

hoax." Then he wished

"this incident

judgment and was not luck

in

was the

But

I

guess

result

any way an intentional

in

finding something else to write about.

did they unintentionally photoshop a student's face into a picture? idea.

89

that's their story,

and they're sticking to

I

How

have no

it.

Reality rule 5.2 Should a suitably dramatic picture of a major event not exist,

i

one

K

^

Framing,

1.

The

n.;

by a camera. 2. as

A*-

-

Wake

Nowadays pictures.

V.!

Photographing every

It's

as

somehow makes

>

—

moment in

>

w

-

it's

been framed

of a vacation (or event)

front of the Taj Mahal, Eiffel

of Disaster it's

not enough to read about horrific events.

we need

if

Such images generate

disasters aren't

-

the experience of being there genuine.

a

huge amount of

want to see

public attention, especially

system— the

accompanied by photographs.

go to work,

We

the pictures to convince ourselves the event was

that they have the perfect distribution

ers

-

belief that an experience isn't real until

Tower, or Big Ben

real.

^

having a photo of yourself grinning

if

In the

be created.

will ..1.,

^

creating the latest trend

in

When

Internet. But

this

is

now

sometimes

the case, the hoax-

photographic fakery: the post-

calamity hoax photo.

Tourist

Guy

The postcalamity hoax photo craze began with

9/

1

1

.

ately after the tragedy a photo circulated online showing a

In

the days immedi-

man

happily posing

on the observation deck of the World Trade Center, while, unbeknownst to him, a plane

approached from behind.

tached

is

a picture that

A

caption accompanying the image read: At-

was taken of a

tourist

atop the World Trade Center

Hippo Eats Dwarf

Tourist

Tower, the

first

the subject

The

in

Guy

to be struck by a terrorist attack. This

camera was found but

the picture has not yet been located.

so-called tourist

guy picture was quickly debunked

(jthe plane in

the

background was a 757, whereas the ones that struck the World Trade Center

were 767s) and eventually revealed to be the work of a Hungarian man had created as

it

did.

it

as a joke for his friends, never intending

it

who

to circulate as widely

But the enormous amount of attention the image received must have

struck a note of

envy among would-be hoaxers everywhere, because almost

every disaster since has been dramatized

Designer

When

in

a fake photo.

SARS Masks the

SARS epidem ic became

of public concern

in

early

a matter

2003, thousands of

people sought to protect themselves from

air-

borne germs by wearing surgical masks. Soon faux shots of models with

SARS-mask

were doing the rounds on the

Internet,

tanlines

and then

there appeared an advertisement for a designer

SARS mask Vuitton

by Louis Vuitton.

made no such product.

In

reality,

Louis

Photography

91

The Columbia Explosion No cameras

recorded the explosion of the

space shuttle Columbia on February

2003,

,

1

but that didn't stop the spread of a dramatic seof images supposedly taken by an

ries

satellite in space.

The

were

pictures

Israeli

actually

images from the Touchstone Pictures movie

still

Armageddon.

In

the movie a space shuttle

struck by meteorite fragments.

from a

DVD

"Shuttle explosion from an Israeli satellite"

is

An unknown hoaxer

simply lifted this scene

of the movie, added the phony caption, and set the images loose

on the Web.

The Great Blackout

On

August

14,

of

2003,

2003 a blackout hit the

northeastern United States. Alniost the next

NASA

day a photo appeared claiming to be a satellite

image of the event. The entire United

States could be seen, with dots of ing major population .1

light reveal-

centers— except r

L

L

for the •

L

northeastern corner ot the country, which was ,

covered

in

inky blackness.

real satellite

website

in

.

.

The

"Satellite

photo of blackout"

picture (minus the blacked-out portion)

was

a

image that had appeared on NASA's Astronomy Picture of the Day

November 2000. (Actually

it

was

a

composite image of hundreds

of photos taken by Defense Department meteorological satellites.) The hoaxer

had simply darkened the relevant portion of the photo.

The Asian Tsunami Finally, after

2004,

the Asian tsunami of December

a picture circulated

wave, hundreds of feet city. It

The caption

showing an enormous

high, bearing

read: "This picture

is

down on

not a fake.

appears to have been taken from a

building

window

in

downtown

The power of nature

is

a

hi-rise

Phuket, Thailand.

hard to comprehend,

"Tsunami seen from

a high-rise"

92

Hippo Eats Dwarf

Except that the city

especially the destructiveness of water."

wasn't Phuket.

shopped

was Antofagasta,

It

Chile.

the photo

in

The gigantic wave had been photo-

in.

Peter Panning, obiect.

V.:

Using graphics software to attach an

artificial

shadow to an

technique for adding the illusion of depth and realism to

A common

fake photos.

Reality Check; A

Breaking the Sound Barrier

vapor cone forms around a jet plane as

Hoax

It

looks too cool to be

real,

breaks the sound

is

authentic. This shot of an

One

Squadron

Five

As

circulated

it

on

as "a picture of a sonic boom," which

was often described is

F/ A-

One (VFA- 151) was

taken over the Pacific on July 7, 1999, by Ensign John Gay.

the Internet, the image

barrier.

or not?

but the photo

18 Hornet assigned to Strike Fighter

it

somewhat

misleading.

The vapor cone

forming around the plane

boom.

It's

not a sonic

is

caused by the extreme speed of

the plane pressurizing the

the moisture

in

air

and causing

to condense.

it

In

other

words, a plane doesn't have to break the

sound

barrier to

though

in

was about

Kodnk Moment, the joke. ture the

n..

A

this

to

cause a vapor cone to form,

photo the plane reportedly

do

so.

picture-perfect photo opportunity.

What do Kodak and condoms have

in

(Also

inspiration for

common? They both

cap-

moment.")

Kodsk COUrOge, of a camera.

n..

An

exaggerated sense of courage caused by the presence

The extreme

being filmed.

behavior people wouldn

t

engage

in

if

they weren't

Photography

Reality rule 5.3 The bigger the animal, the

taller

the tale you’re likely being fed.

Fat Cats of the Internet

Photography and oversized animals go together peanut butter and

jelly. In

like

bacon and eggs, or

the early days of photography a few entrepreneurs

such as William "Dad" Martin became millionaires by selling that

showed chickens

enough of them. Not much has changed.

in

In

Kansas"). The public couldn't get

fact, the tail-tale

photo genre has

enjoyed a renaissance, thanks to the Internet. The main difference animals are

"in"

ably relate casionally all

now

make appearances, but mostly

first

big cat to

celebrity

its

the flab-bound felines that capture

appeared

in

become an

was Snowball

whose

the monster cat, first

in-boxes

picture early

in

2000. Snowball, who was

easily

the size of a large dog, was shown in

the arms of a bearded man.

accompanying story

told of

An

how

Snowballs mother had been found

abandoned near clear

lab,

the

a

Canadian nu-

implication

being

that Snowball's size (eighty-seven

pounds, supposedly) was the sult

that the

more to enormous cats than to enormous farm animals. Fat dogs oc-

Snowball the Monster Cat

Internet

is

cats. City-dwelling, apartment-living Internet users prob-

the attention.

The

postcards

as big as houses and fish the size of trucks (usually with

"They grow em big here

a caption such as,

tail-tale

of genetic mutation.

re-

In reality.

Snowball the Monster Cat

a

Hippo Eats Dwarf

Snowball was the (the man

in

digital creation

of Washington state resident Cordell Hauglie

the picture). Hauglie had "imPhoto

proved" a picture of the family cat, Jumper, courtesy

as a joke to share with his daughter, but his of

daughter forwarded they forwarded

it

it

to her friends, and

to their friends, and so on

and so on. Somewhere along the prankster nuclear tale is

lab.

Having never intended

now amused It's

features

line

Maugiii

a

added the bogus story about the

photo to spread as

mous.

CordeH

in

far as

it

to discover its

his tail-

did, Hauglie

made him

fa-

landed him appearances on TV,

magazines, and guest celebrity

Cordell Hauglie with Jumper, Snowball's real-life

.

model. Jumper actually weighs

spots at cat shows.

twenty-one pounds.

Munchkin the Cat Snowball was not destined to hog the limelight forever.

came Munchkin, seen

luxuriating

on

his

back, feet

in

the

air,

In

2002

almost crushing

poor owner beneath him.

AAartin

along

No

his

story

accompanied Munchkin, but that

Susen

of

didnt stop him from achieving

In-

courtesy

ternet fame.

The Sydney Morning

PHoto

Herald declared him a hoax, and I

myself expressed doubt about

his

reality.

But Munchkin turned

out to be that rare curiosity real

fat cat.

In

2005

his

—

owner,

Susan Martin of Ontario, Canada, e-mailed me, sending along more pictures of her "fatboy" to prove

he was

real.

His actual

name was

Sassy; he weighed forty pounds;

and he had died of heart disease. Sassy, aka Munchkin, the

Monster Cat

Susan remarked that

his

picture

Photography

95

of Susan

Martin

Forty-pound Sassy didn't need any

digital help to

loom

large.

had been floating around unattributed for years, but she wanted everyone to

know who he

really

was, because he had been such a wonderful cat.

At forty pounds. Sassy was ify as

certainly a very big boy, but he wouldn't qual-

the fattest cat ever. That honor goes to Katy, a Siamese

Mountains,

who

ment remains

tips

the Ural

the scales at over fifty pounds. However, Katy's achieve-

unofficial

because the Guinness Book of World Records doesn't

maintain a category for fattest cat.

overfeed

living in

It

doesn't

want to encourage people to

their pets.

Forced Perspective,

n.:

The placement

of objects of different sizes at differ-

ent distances from the camera to make them appear either larger or smaller than they actually are.

The Internet began

its life

as a tool

share papers, and scientists to swap data.

It

for researchers. Scholars

used

it

1

was quite peaceful online back the

except for the occasional academic squabble. But what none of these early Inte net users could have realized was that they were contributing to the creation ,

the most fertile breeding ground for hoaxes and frauds ever seen in the histo o humankind. Today as you check your e-mai! or browse the Web, it may seei you're inn^ently going about your business. But you're actually navigating a con plex mrnefreld of misinformation and deception. At every corner, bonsai kitter wart to entrap you, and Nigerian bank scammers seek to tempt you with the srren song of false riches. If you don't know what you're doing (and If you hav no clue what bonsai kittens or Nigerian bank scammers are), then you stand good chance of getting pwned.

pwned,

adj.:

Owned. Hoaxed. According

used during an online

game when

Owned*^ but misspelled ever since.

How

it

Reality rule

it

97

to Internet legend, this term was

first

Were

Pwned.^^

The term

has been

it

Pierre Salinger Syndrome,

anyones guess.

is

on the Internet doesn’t mean

The tendency

n.;

how

the Internet, no matter

true.

it’s

to believe information found on

far-fetched. Behavior often observed in

after journalist Pierre Salinger. In July just

1996

TWA

south of Long Beach,

800

Flight

New

York. Four

crashed into

months

was immediately denied by

investigators, but Salinger insisted he had proof.

An

apparently random document he had

Salinger denied

all

source, but the phrase stuck.

Gunn

porter Moira

in a

July

his

official

proof?

across on the Internet.

he got the information from an offline

insisting

this,

And what was

come

later

downed by

Salinger stated at a press conference that the plane had been friendly fire from U.S. forces. This claim

new

Named

users of the Internet (though there are significant exceptions).

Ocean

use

in

8.1

Just because you read

the Atlantic

Were

a winning player tried to type '"You

as '^You

to pronounce

The World Wide Web

The

first

1997

use of

it

is

attributed to

Wired

re-

article.

Not Really the News In

late

2002

sixteen-year-old Eric Smith and a friend created the Fake

CNN News Generator. into a form, story,

Visitors to this

website could type text and a headline

which would instantly format the material to look

complete with authentic

CNN

logo and banner ads.

It

like a

was

CNN

news

a recipe for

chaos just waiting to be unleashed.

Smith and

his friend later

cover their creation. But out,

in

and almost overnight

claimed they never intended for the public to dis-

early

it

was

2003 word

of the fake news generator leaked

receiving over

two

millions visitors a day. That's

when the chaos began. Thousands of phony

where they did

their evil

stories

work.

were created and

One

circulated

on the

story fooled a number of

TV

Internet,

and radio

Hippo Eats Dwarf

98

stations

C^.com./WORLD r

(NKAwn)

© Bill

© Hugh

Brantner/Getty images;

$14.00/Higher

Boch/Getty Images.

Cover design by Vaughn Andrews

A Harvest Original Harcourt, Int^:^ www.HarcourtB6oks.com

dll nil

I

iUl56030830 ^Ul5-04-15 13:34

in

Canada