From Hurt to Healing: Nine Healthy Habits to Turn Your Hurt Into Peace of Mind, Greater Resiliency, and Faster Healing [1 ed.] 098908342X, 9780989083423

Table of contents :
Introduction
Part I Hurting
What Is Hurt?
Why We Hurt
Physical Pain
Emotional/Physical Pain
Symptoms of Hurt
Ronica’s Recovery
How Do You Handle the Hurt?
Coping with the Hurt
Brandon’s Breakdown
Avoiding the Hurt
Part II Healing
Healing from the Hurt
Daniella’s Dilemma
What Helps? Healing Helpers
A Mother’s Love
Stacy’s Story
What Does a Person Need to Heal?
Part III Healing Habits
The First Healing Habit:
The Second Healing Habit:
The Third Healing Habit:
The Fourth Healing Habit:
The Fifth Healing Habit:
he Sixth Healing Habit:
The Seventh and Eighth Healing Habits:
The Ninth Healing Habit:
Additional Healing Helpers for Ongoing Healing
Conclusion
References

Citation preview

From Hurt to Healing: Nine Healthy Habits to Turn Your Hurt into Peace of Mind, Greater Resiliency, and Faster Healing

Ronica Arnold Branson, Ph.D.

Copyright © 2016 by Ronica Arnold Branson, Ph.D. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or stored on any information storage or retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher. Except as permitted under the Copyright Act of 1976. Authors: Ronica Arnold Branson, Ph.D From Hurt to Healing: Nine Healthy Habits to Turn Your Hurt into Peace of Mind, Greater Resiliency, and Faster Healing ISBN: 978-0-9890834-1-6 For written permission contact: Ronica Arnold Branson, Ph.D ℅ Dr. Ronica P.O. Box #422 Ridgeland, MS 39158 USA Website: www.drronica.com For information regarding special pricing options for bulk purchases, please contact: Dr.Ronica directly or email us at [email protected]. For additional information visit www.drronica.com. Cover Design: Antoinette Marie Kelley

TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction Part I Hurting What Is Hurt? Why We Hurt Physical Pain Emotional/Physical Pain Symptoms of Hurt Ronica’s Recovery How Do You Handle the Hurt? Coping with the Hurt Brandon’s Breakdown Avoiding the Hurt

Part II Healing Healing from the Hurt Daniella’s Dilemma What Helps? Healing Helpers A Mother’s Love Stacy’s Story What Does a Person Need to Heal?

Part III Healing Habits The First Healing Habit:

The Second Healing Habit: The Third Healing Habit: The Fourth Healing Habit: The Fifth Healing Habit: he Sixth Healing Habit: The Seventh and Eighth Healing Habits: The Ninth Healing Habit: Additional Healing Helpers for Ongoing Healing

Conclusion References

Acknowledgment & Dedication To my Heavenly, Guardian and Earthly Angels I could never have made it without you and to my Mom, "You are truly, The Wind Beneath my Wings".

Introduction This book is a first of many. It has been in the works for over three years now, but in my heart for much longer. Although I allowed fears and procrastination to hold me back, deep inside I knew that I had a message that needed to be shared with others. I knew that I would not be at peace completely until I shared this message. You see, each of us has a gift, a calling, a message, or a ministry. Many of us choose to suppress what we know we need to do; others step up to the challenge even though, as in my case, it may take a while. As long as we are living, it’s never too late. Today is the day to start something new, complete the task, live the dream, or do what makes your heart sing. Today is a day of new beginnings; today is a day of completion; and with that, let’s begin to heal. Hurt, pain, happiness and healing are all a part of the human experience. At one point or another, we all experience these truths, whether we are forced to or whether we let go and surrender to the process. We each have a choice, we can go through it with ease or choose to resist, the latter sometimes makes it a bit more difficult, but nonetheless we are given the freewill to make the choice. Many of our life experiences have shaped how we respond to each of these processes. My life experiences have shaped me into the person that I am. My experience is unique to me, but I also acknowledge that although MY story is unlike anyone else’s, I do share a common bond with others. Perseverance through challenges, healing during the hurt and finding peace despite the pain is what we all have to do in order to live a life of contentment, or at least, a life with some peace. Hurt, pain and sadness are common experiences for us all. The way we choose to move through the pain despite the pressure, and maintain an attitude of gratitude while in the midst of life’s storms is often the deciding factor between a person who breaks from the hurt and moves on to the healing, or

stays in the hurt and continues to hurt him/herself and often others. What we do know is Hurt people Hurt people, but the cycle does not have to be so vicious if only we could get out of our self-pity, stop waddling in our own pain and use it for the bigger picture. Use it for the good. My story is not only a story of physical hurt (I am a double transplant recipient and survivor and have lived many years of my life with a chronic, often debilitating illness), but also one of psychological hurt which has included grief, emotional turmoil, rejection, and dealing with familial and relational pains of addiction, fear, and continual challenges. Writing this book is not only a form of healing for me; it is offered as a gift to those of you who too are hurting now, have experienced hurt in the past and have made the conscious decision that it is your time to move from the hurt and get to the healing. Some may be reading this book to see if I’m saying anything new; others with heavy hearts are looking for a simple way to ease the pain. If you are hurting or have ever experienced hurt, this book is for you. You are not alone on your journey, and I know that if I can plant one seed in your life, things can be just a little bit better, that one big thing, might just turn into that one little thing. One of my favorite quotes was spoken by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I memorized it as a small girl, and still it remains one of my favorites. It goes, “If I can help somebody as I pass along, if I can cheer somebody with a word or song, if I can show somebody he’s traveling wrong, then my living will not be in vain.” Remember, we must take this journey one day at a time. You took the first step; you’re reading this book. Let me walk with you, and we’ll work on healing together. The problem with hurt and pain is that it is a very uncomfortable feeling, but what we know is that it is only temporary. Think about it: what was your most recent pain or painful event you experienced? Did it last forever? Did the intensity remain the same, or were you able to gradually get some relief? The reality is, we can choose to acknowledge it (the hurt and pain) and move into a better space, or we can allow the hurt and pain to destroy the essence of our being.

You are not alone in your HURT, be it emotional, physical, spiritual, relational, or financial. You have partners all around the globe; even that person who is the closest to you may be in pain, but you just don’t know it. Although it’s something that we don’t want to deal with, Hurt is REAL, but you CAN HEAL. My mission is to share with you nuggets of strength that helped me get through my hurt and facilitate my healing. I will also share accounts of others who have crossed my path and share stories of how hurt in its many forms can impact each of our lives differently, in both good and bad ways. If you are reading this book because the title captured your attention or if you stumbled upon it by accident, know that you are here for a reason. I hope that my message will resonate with you so that you too can be a change agent, not only for your personal healing, but to use what you have learned or experienced, to help heal someone else along the way. Remember, we all have a purpose. I hope you enjoy this book. “There is hope past the hurt; there is life, there is healing.” -Ronica Arnold Branson, Ph.D On any given day, the experience of hurt and feeling of pain can be present in our lives. This experience can be something that we had a hand in, or an uncontrollable and unexplainable event that changed our life story. No matter how, what, why or where, no one is immune. The fact is that, unfortunately, we are often exposed to the faces of hurt every day. These faces of hurt can be seen in the media - some people say that every time you turn on the news all you see is violence (an outward expression of many internal hurts); in our homes (we may have a critically ill family member or someone on the other extreme, mentally ill loved one, for example - an alcoholic, who is causing hurt to himself and his family members or others). Depending on where we work, the reality is more evident; for example, those practitioners who work in the healthcare fields-doctors, nurses, and first responders see hurt as a part of their daily job routine. Sometimes, during an everyday routine commute, one

might see the daily struggle of the homeless person that sleeps on a park bench or in the subway station. People asking for food on the street corner or passing an accident scene…we unintentionally see these incidents of people who are hurting. These faces that we see can either impact our lives in a positive way and prompt us to “Be the change we wish to see in the world” (Gandhi), or we can choose to turn our head as if what we saw never existed. For most of us, however, it is hard to keep going when we see a fellow human being suffering. Why? Because we understand the pain that hurt and suffering can cause.

Part I Hurting What Is Hurt? What is hurt and why does it cause us so much pain? The general definition for hurt is: to cause physical or mental pain, injury, or distress (dictionary.com). While we know that we can be hurt physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and socially, the pain associated with it often causes some type of distress. When I typed the word hurt into Google, the song HURT by Johnny Cash and the Nine Inch Nails came up. As expected, the song was not one of joy. It was a sad and monotone tune, almost depressing. The lyrics of the song highlighted many words associated with hurt. Words such as: pain, real, sting, kill, remember, everyone I know goes away in the end, let down, thorns, liar, broken, cannot repair, stains, and feelings disappear. When we are hurting, these are the images, the feelings, and the reality that we see and feel. It almost gives you a feeling that there is no escape from the hurt. We see faces and images of hurt and pain each day. Whether we are looking at the evening news, reading the morning newspaper, driving to work, or even looking at the hot topics that are trending on the web, hurt is all over the place, in our face, unavoidable, whether we like it or not. Although these images can have a great impact on us or none at all, one of the greatest indicators of how hurt feels is when we experience it personally. How have you been hurt? Are you still living there? Are you still feeling the pain and want some relief from the hurt? If so, this book is for you. When I began to write this book, it started off as a guide to help chronically ill patients manage the physical and emotional challenges they face living with a chronic illness. Then I realized, there are so many people out there who are hurting as a result of

other types of circumstances. There are thousands of people that these principles can apply to. You may not be experiencing a chronic illness right now, you might not be recovering from a major surgery, you may not even be experiencing the grief associated with the loss of someone very close to you (all of which are my present truth); but the reality is that everyone hurts, for different reasons, during different seasons. My present day hurt might be caused by the physical pain that I feel as a result of my organ transplant that I had less than seven months ago or the challenges that I face as a result of the life changes that I must make in order to live. Your present day hurt might be the emotional pain you are experiencing as a result of a separation or betrayal from someone you deeply trusted and loved. Someone else’s hurt may result from trying to understand a random act of nature or freak accident that is causing that person to question what he or she has been taught to believe. How has hurt impacted your life? Was it brought on by the act of someone else? Was it something someone else said or did? Or was it a self-imposed wound that you did on your own? Is the hurt that you are feeling a result of your own actions? Did your husband make a cruel comment to you before you left home to attend church? Did your co-worker sabotage your work and take credit for it? Did you have a doctor’s appointment today, only to find out you’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness? Are you a veteran trying to recover from the physical and mental wounds and hurts you received as a result being in action for your country? Are you that teenager that endures constant insults, taunts, and bullying and feel you have no one to turn to? Are you that person struggling to find your identity and a place to ‘fit in’ after so much rejection? No matter who you are, where you are, or the type of hurt that you are experiencing right now, you must know that you are not alone. Physical hurt may be more visible than the emotional pain that we suffer, but neither is to be discounted. It is often hard to reveal the internal hurts unless someone questions you about them, and even then, you may not feel comfortable enough to share what you

are going through. The reality is that many of us suffer in silence, alone. But you don’t have to.

Why We Hurt So the question that many of us ask is, why do we hurt? Why must we have to take a part in such pain? Why have we been entrusted with such a reality that we would at any given moment choose to avoid? Some would argue, if we didn’t experience the hurt, we wouldn’t appreciate the happiness; others would disagree. The reality is... we don’t have the answer. In the now classic book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People,” the author Harold Kushner explores the answers to one of life’s most unanswerable questions. Why do bad things happen to innocent, humble, basically good people? Why must the innocent suffer when they have caused no harm? Theologians, philosophers, scientists, and just regular people like you and me have consistently struggled with that question; much to no avail. We have no explanation for the earthquake that shattered Napoli, or the tsunamis that swept beyond the borders and drowned thousands and thousands of innocent people. The tornadoes, the hurricanes, and other natural disasters that come in without warning and take the lives of those we love, with no regard to location, status or belief. There are things that we just won’t ever be able to explain. These are things that are bigger than you and me. These things hurt; these things cause us to question what we have learned and what we thought we knew. But these things, no matter how devastating and unfair they may seem, cause us to change. They can cause us to live a little more, think a little deeper, give a little more of ourselves, even if only to see the world in a different light. Many things can cause us to hurt. We can’t put the blame on just one thing or event. For the purposes of this book, I define hurt as: Hurt (A Horrible Unfair Reality that is only Temporary). It can happen at anytime, to anyone, anywhere. No one is immune, and there is no one thing that can be the trigger. Although one may

experience the same or a very similar incident, each person responds to it differently, and it affects everyone in its own unique way. There are numerous things that can cause hurt. It can be the result of others’ actions. For example, an innocent child has no hand in a mentally unstable adult’s action that forces hurt and pain into their lives by way of abuse or neglect. Another example is how one has no control over a partner that chooses to engage in irresponsible acts, one being the act of infidelity that can shake the core of a relationship and force one to lose trust in others because of one incident. We can also hurt as a result of physical pain. I have no choice in the pain that I experience during my years of living with a chronic illness and even the pain associated with having a body transformed as a result of life-saving surgical procedures and treatment. My brother had no control over the pain he felt when his brain was traumatically injured during a car accident that ultimately ended his once vibrant life. There are some things that we just can’t control, some things we just can’t explain. We do the best we can to manage, but pain is often still present. Hurt also occurs as a result of loss. For example, my family was emotionally hurt during the grief that resulted from the death of my brother. My donor families lost their loved ones to death, yet made the decision to give a special part of their life so that I and many others could live. Although they were hurting, they chose to make a remarkably unselfish decision to share their loved one with me so that I could have another chance at life. A significant number of people seek counsel everyday for issues that stem from loss. Loss hurts. Losing someone or something that is significant to us is not to be taken lightly and can alter our lives in so many ways. From time to time I teach a grief counseling class to individuals planning to become mental health practitioners. In the class, students realize that they must be willing to deal with their own issues surrounding grief and loss in order to effectively help others who are experiencing such situations. From my own experiences as

a licensed practitioner, more than half of the clients that I have seen are still dealing with loss and unresolved grief issues. When one says grief, most people automatically think death; yet fail to consider the other losses that one can experience. For example, divorce is a loss. Although we are experiencing higher rates of divorce than ever, the majority of people do not go into a marriage with the thought of getting a divorce. Another example of a loss is being diagnosed with a disability; going from being a fully functioning person to being considered or labeled as being less than perfect or unable to perform 100% of your life activities on your own. Still another example of loss is abuse. This occurs when someone uses his or her power to take away that of someone who is not as strong, or unable to fight back. Retirement can also be considered a loss. Think about it, not having something to wake up to and getting prepared for a daily routine can be seen as a loss for some. So when thinking about loss, which often involves hurt, we must take a look at the bigger picture. We can also hurt when we have a moment in which we question what we always knew to be true. A person with a strong faith in God who has a child born with a physical illness such as spina bifida can hurt spiritually because they were always taught that if they did the right thing, blessings would come unto them. When their reality is tested, questions can arise and one’s faith and spiritual or religious belief can waiver. We also face hurt when others that we have put so much trust in, betray us. This single experience can affect the way we trust others for many years to come. Hurt is painful, and we try to avoid it at all costs; however, no matter how or why we experience the hurt, we have a strong need and want to stop the hurt and pain as quickly as possible. Living through loss can be very challenging. Usually when we think of loss, death automatically comes to mind. Although the death of a loved one or even receiving news of our own impending death can be quite devastating, there are other losses that hurt us and affect our healing as well. Loss as a result of a divorce which was

caused by an unfaithful spouse, our homes or belongings being destroyed as a result of a natural disaster or invaded by a stranger, even having the “empty nest” syndrome when our kids leave home to come into their own or suffering a miscarriage—these are examples of painful losses that might cause some to question what they believe or what they thought they knew to be true. This hurt can cause distrust of one person or even lead to distrust of everyone or even question the meaning of life. This is completely normal, and that is not the problem. The problem arises when we allow this hurt, this often-uncontrollable event, to take us and control our happiness.

Physical Pain We also hurt because of physical pain. This pain can be the result of many different things--Illnesses, injuries, punishment from others, self-inflicted pain to ourselves, a number of reasons. It is estimated that over one-third of Americans reportedly suffer from pain, and the cost on average is $598 billion dollars per year according to the National Institute of Health’s National Pain Consortium. Some people come forth and try to seek treatment to get relief from their pain, others try to take pain relief into their own hands, while there are still others who articulate their pain so very often that others don’t believe them when they say they are suffering. Types of pain have been categorized based on symptoms: chronic pain, acute pain, somatic, visceral, neuropathic, and sympathetic - so many classifications there are too many to name. As many pains as there are, there are also numerous routes of treatment one can take: Medications such as narcotics, NSAIDs, salicylates, and the list goes on and on. Other approaches to pain relief include natural homeopathic remedies, while still other options might include the use of more non-traditional approaches such as shock therapy. The difference that lies in healing physical pain includes options for medications, alternative treatments, and even extreme uses of alternatives that can ease the pain temporarily, but

these treatments do not heal the underlying source of the pain. They serve as a temporary fix until the stimulus causing the physical pain is completely healed. As stated earlier, when we are hurting and in pain, we want immediate relief. With this need for ‘fixing it right now’ comes the guise of addiction. According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, the results from a 2010 National Study report that over 2 million Americans engaged in prescription drugs (prescription drug abuse) that were not medically related, with more than one-half of those being women and about one-third being children between the ages of 12 to 17. The Centers for Disease Control indicate that at least 44 people die each day in the United States as a result of prescription painkillers. Pain is very present in our lives, and the numbers indicate that we will try to get rid of it at all costs…LITERALLY, whether it costs billions of dollars or whether it costs thousands of lives (or costs us our lives).

Emotional/Physical Pain The disturbing evidence is that physical pain can often lead to emotional pain and trigger reactions such as depression and anxiety. This type of pain is also referred to as one being hurt or suffering. It is a profound experience that one desires to escape from, but sometimes due to imbalances, non-compliance, or having certain needs that are not met; it results in torment, to oneself and others around. The National Alliance on Mental Illness or NAMI defines mental illness as “a condition that impacts a person’s thinking, feeling or mood.” It is also important to note that mental illness or emotional pain may occur more than once in life to the same person. It is estimated that depression affects approximately 1 in 10 Americans and over seventy-percent of these people who are clinically depressed are not receiving proper treatment. One reason that our emotional and psychological pains go unmet is because many don’t acknowledge these pains as a reality. For so

long, there have been communities that don’t air their dirty laundry and the bottom line is, some people just don’t feel comfortable sharing their hurts with others. I must admit, I can relate. There were times, even though I was in emotional turmoil, I felt that I could not share this with others, and sometimes when I did, it wasn’t accepted. You see in my world, you have to be strong; that is the expectation. It is ok to cry for a second, but you must suck it up. Like the old commercial said, “Never let them see you sweat.” My reality was, “Never let them see you cry.” It was in an effort to make me stronger. We teach what we were taught, do what works for us, and do what we see others have done to make it through. It doesn’t make it right, but it is what we consider as normal. Hurt is a very painful experience and when we can detach, whether it’s by leaving the situation all together or minimizing the pain, we often do the best we can with what we have and what we have seen, heard, or been taught.

Symptoms of Hurt There are many symptoms of hurt: withdrawal, anger, not trusting others, no longer trusting ourselves, pain, unhealthy addictions, numbness, or sadness and depression. Each person is unique and will respond to hurt differently. One person may shut others out, while another might surround herself with others in order to avoid thinking about the reality. One may develop unhealthy physical symptoms, while another might engage in unhealthy behaviors such as drug use or fatalistic activities. Although we are each unique in the ways that we can respond, we also can have similarities in our responses. Hurt is very similar to grief and has many of the same symptoms. Grief is defined as a person’s natural response to loss. It occurs as a result of a significant loss and can include a range of emotions. Usually the response, reactions, and intensity to the loss are dependent upon a person’s level of attachment to the person or object. When thinking of grief, people’s thoughts automatically go to

death of a loved one, but there are so many more reasons that a person can grieve. The ending of a relationship, such as in divorce, a decline in health, loss of a job or a pet, and loss of a feeling of security as evidenced by something like an invasion of one’s home are just some ways that a person can have a grief reaction. Elisabeth Kubler Ross conducted research with terminally ill patients, and as a result of her studies coined the five stages of grief, which are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Although she referenced the stages to apply to people who were terminally ill, the stages apply universally to persons experiencing other types of losses. The following chart shows the close relationship between the symptoms of hurt and grief.

Hurt • Pain • Trauma • Grief

Ronica’s Recovery I can tell you personally that I have experienced these emotional and physical symptoms throughout my journey, but specifically while in the hospital awaiting a transplant, in actuality I think I experienced all of them. First, denial is oh so common. When I was first diagnosed with my illness and even when being told that I needed a lifesaving transplant, I didn’t believe it. No, I thought to myself, this can’t be right. Let’s get a second opinion. How could this be happening to me? No, it’s not happening to me, I’m too young, I’m in good health (or so I thought); this can’t be right. Show me the evidence. But all along the evidence was there. Weight loss, elevated liver enzymes, jaundice, fatigue, pain, bleeding - what other evidence did I need? And the denial didn’t stop with me; my mom was in denial as well, saying, “Baby, you aren’t going to need a transplant, don’t listen to the negative news, God can do anything but fail you.” This is true, but I still had to undergo the miraculous processes; and now I understand that it was a part of my life’s journey, my message, my story to share with you so that my healing can possibly help others. Later my Mom shared with me that she too was in denial. She was guarding herself from the hurt, from something that she didn’t want to see me go through as well as the reality that I could possibly die. The issue of anger is also another hot emotion that arises when hurting. With me, I can say that I didn’t experience much anger towards myself - that is, but my closest family members would probably tell you differently. At times, they caught it. “Caught what?”... you might ask. Simply put, it is something that starts with an H and rhymes with well. During that time I blamed it on the steroids, but that is not a justifiable excuse. I must admit, I am not perfect, and never will claim to be; however, I do try to do better. I am most grateful for my life and the experiences that have shaped me into the person I am, although I do have an occasional five-minute relapse. But seriously, when you are in a life or death situation, your

emotions can change from minute to minute. It’s not an excuse, but there are unbalanced emotions that surface, sometimes in ugly ways. We often feel that there is a need to blame ourselves or someone or something else. The reality of being in this predicament physically and emotionally hurts. At times, others don’t know what to say to you. For example, I know that it’s part of their job, but the hospital social workers often asked me do you ever feel down, sad, or depressed? I wanted to respond, have you seen my chart? But I responded in “TLC” fashion and said no. FYI, my mom calls me a “Tough Little Cookie” and I honestly must say even though I am a tough little cookie, I am human and I do get sad, I do cry, I do feel pain. I do have roller coaster emotions, but I try my best to stay positive most of the time, but sometimes need a 5-minute pass. So in all fairness I’ll give you one too, but you have to promise you won’t stay there longer than five minutes. There is going to be a scary drop at some time and the best thing you can do is try to brace yourself for it and hold on for the remainder of the ride. Thank goodness, eventually that ride will end, and you will get off and move on to the next one. “When God pushes you to the edge of difficulty Trust Him fully. Because two things can happen. Either he’ll catch you when you fall, Or he will teach you how to fly.” - Author Unknown

How Do You Handle the Hurt? Ok, this next segment might have you question my credentials, but it’s ok, I completely understand. I did earn a research-based degree from somebody’s university, but we are going to throw the research and the degree out the door and keep it real. Feel free to allow me to blame it on the Prednisone (Hmmm now that’s a catchy title). Ok, the other day, I read the title of a book and it made me smile. The title of the book was Everyone Poops. Funny, but true. Take a minute to think about it. If all of that stuff, by stuff I mean poop, stayed in our system, what would really happen? Our bodies would become toxic, and we would get sick. We have to poop in order to live, but for most of us that is a private and personal experience…. So is hurt. For many of us it can be a very similar experience. You have to let go of it, get it out of your system in order to live. If not, your body would become toxic and yes, you would get very sick. There must be a healthy balance. The most important thing to remember is that hurt and pain eludes no one. You can be the richest person in the world or the poorest man who is homeless and living on the street; no matter who you are, we all experience hurt. We all have feelings, we all have pain, but our goal is to get relief from the pain and get to the healing. No matter what has happened, no matter what you are experiencing or what you have experienced, YOU CAN HEAL, but you must be willing to take the first step.

Coping with the Hurt Hurt is exacerbated in many ways. The most common mechanisms we use to handle (cope with) the hurt are ANGER, WITHDRAWAL, NOT TRUSTING OTHERS, NO LONGER TRUSTING OURSELVES, UNHEALTHY ADDICTIONS, NUMBNESS, SADNESS and DEPRESSION. These behaviors may

bring temporary relief or satisfaction for the moment, but they are not a long-term solution. These types of behaviors usually produce worse effects and allow the scars of healing to continue to remain sore, unhealed, and often turn into a very dirty scar than can lead to an even worse infection that will need additional treatment. We have seen those people who let devastation determine their destiny. Maybe you know a young man who had trouble finding a job and lost hope in the ability to support his family. The event made him feel like he was not a productive contributor and he either gave up, or gave in to unhealthy behaviors such as drug use, drug manufacturing, or disconnection with the family that he so wanted to lead, but he felt exhausted with the struggle. We can also identify with the wife who loses her husband of 20 years to a younger, more up to date model because he is going through his mid-mind loss-life crisis and decides to abandon his wife and kids to live another dream. The wife, who once saw herself as beautiful, unstoppable, and the cornerstone of her family, now feels like giving up, staying in bed all day, not getting dressed, withdrawing from her social circle, and being more harmful than helpful to herself, wondering what she did wrong. When in reality, it had absolutely nothing to do with her. I know it may be hard, but if someone wants to leave, let him leave. It is hardest at the darkest moment, especially when you think you need him or her the most, but we must remember:

A Reason A Season or A Lifetime People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you know exactly what to do. When someone is in your life for a Reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then,

without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. When people come into your life for a SEASON, It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson,love the person or people (anyway): and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Author Unknown What season are you in? Is there someone you need to release? Are you the person who must walk away? Hurt will happen, but we must believe that we can heal from it. I once heard it said that your attitude determines your altitude. You must have the will, you must have the want to move past this situation and know that you can make it through any situation that comes your way. There are only a few things that you need to keep in your arsenal for future reference. HURT is a Horrible Unfair Reality that is only Temporary. When we are hurting, it is hard to believe that we will ever get out. When we are no longer hurting, we realize that it was only a process, a feeling endured for a moment, that doesn’t last consistently. Even when experiencing physical pain,

there is relief at some point. Each situation offers some type of relief. If only for a few minutes, we can appreciate the freedom from pain. If we conditioned our minds to know that “this too shall pass,” the way we deal with hurt and pain would not be any less severe, but it might give us hope that there will be a better future and that we will see the sun shine again.

Brandon’s Breakdown At the age of twenty-six, Brandon had the life that others only dreamed of. He went to Brown University on a full-scholarship, and before graduating he was accepted into Harvard Law. He was an exceptional student. He whizzed through the classes, mock trials and was loved by all of his professors. On top of that, he had offers from eight nationally know head-hunters (law firms) waiting for him after he graduated. He was offered clerkships until he passed the bar and was one of the most sought after up-and- coming young lawyers in his corner of the world. While in law school, Brandon met Jena, the woman he described as his soulmate--beauty, brains, and big aspirations. They seemed to want the same things out of life and talked about their goals and dreams for hours on end. She was completing her medical residency at Massachusetts General during his last year of law school. One day, Jena felt a sharp pain in her lower abdomen. She ignored it, took ibuprofen and just thought she had pulled a muscle while playing tennis or doing yoga. Over time, the pain kept getting worse, and one day she got to the point where she couldn’t get out of bed. At that point, she finally decided to go get examined. Jena’s initial diagnosis was ovarian cancer (Stage IIIC). At this point, the cancer had only spread to her lymph nodes and the recommendation was to remove her ovaries and start chemo immediately after. This news was devastating, but she kept a positive outlook. Jena knew that Brandon was studying for the bar, so she played down her illness. She told him that she

needed to have minor surgery, but would be ok. Her sister would be coming to stay with her during the surgery, and she would call him to give him an update afterwards. During the operation, the doctors sent a sample of tissue down to the lab for a pathology report. What they found was more than they expected. Jena was actually in Stage IV, and the cancer had spread to other major organs including her lungs. They removed what they could during surgery and by some strange occurrence, during the procedure Jena’s heart rate and blood pressure began to drastically drop. She had major blood loss, and she died shortly after coming out of surgery. Jenna's sister was overcome with grief, but managed to call Brandon and tell him of the news. He didn’t believe it, and actually thought it was some sick prank one of her friends was trying to play on him. After a day of trying to reach her on her phone, he drove to Boston to see Jena. This was no joke; his love, his soul mate was actually gone. This was one of the most devastating pains that Brandon had ever experienced in his life. Nothing could have prepared him for this moment; nothing could have prepared him for the pain. But instead of acknowledging the reality and working through the pain, Brandon acted as if it didn’t happen. He acted as if Jena had never been a part of his life. From that point forward, Brandon put all of his energy into his career. He moved to Washington state, which was a totally different environment, a place where he didn’t know anyone. He let his work consume him, stayed in the office for twelve-hour days, and never lost a case. He was not sociable with his colleagues, spent all of his extra time working out at the gym and cut off anyone close to him. There were people who tried to reach out, Jena's family, his family, but he said he never had the time, or never made the time to meet with them or even visit family for the holidays. He became a very cold person. He didn’t have a nice spirit and seemed to live a miserable existence. He was also very hard to work with and was assigned a new paralegal almost every other month. Brandon’s

avoidance of the loss and acknowledgement of the hurt made him numb. He could have enjoyed so many things in life if he would have realized that each day brings something new.

Avoiding the Hurt You’re going to go through tough times - that’s life. But I say, “Nothing happens to you, it happens for you.” See the positive in the negative events. - Joel Osteen Brandon faced hurt head on by not facing it at all. Like so many of us, when something tragic and hurtful happens in our life, we do all that we can to avoid being hurt again. Unfortunately, we know that this mechanism of avoidance is not a healthy remedy and in the long run can cause more hurt and harm. The reality is, no matter how hard we try, we will face hurt. The sooner we accept that, the healthier we will be in dealing with it. Yes, it would be ideal to push a button to skip that part in your life, but these experiences, these hurts (if we choose to see them that way) help us to define who we are. The pain is something that no one wants to experience, but it comes with the territory. Allow me to share a story that keeps me inspired and motivated. Over the past year, many of you have heard the story of a special young girl, Leah Still. She has been in the media numerous times for the battle she is fighting with childhood leukemia. Leah came to the forefront because she is the daughter of Cincinnati Bengals player Devon Still. This BEAUTIFUL child epitomizes strength and courage. Her smile lights up the room, and her story is one that reminds me of the power of my own strength and reason for my journey. It does something to each of us to see someone suffer; it tugs an even more special place in our heart when we know it is happening to a child. Do you think she would have chosen to have this illness?

Do you think her parents ever dreamed that their daughter would have to endure so much pain? Do you think it is easy for her to endure the treatments, the surgeries, and the confinement to the hospital when she could be outside playing? I can almost assure you that the answer to these questions is Definitely Not. Some people may say she was dealt a bad hand, but you know what, from the images that I’ve seen and stories that I’ve read, she doesn’t see it that way. Well, at least she doesn’t deal with it that way. I know there have been times when she has been in so much pain that she didn’t feel like fighting, but you know what, she didn’t give up. Neither did her father. The majority of the time that you see her on the camera, you see her with that beautiful smile. Even though she did not deserve to have this illness, she was ready for her purpose. Her message, her strength, her smile has changed the lives of many people as well as helped the Pediatric Cancer Foundation raise much needed money for cancer research. What if her father would have avoided the hurt? How might her life be different? How might our lives be different? I know that Leah’s story certainly made a difference in my life. What about you? Who has been an inspiration to keep you motivated throughout your journey, your challenge, your pain, your hurt? Or have YOU been that inspiration to and for others? Even when speaking of a disease such as cancer, in the past years, there have been so many people who have allowed us to be a part of their world in order to bring awareness, comfort, and healing to others. Leah Still, Stuart Scott, Tom Brokaw, Ahmad Givins, Robin Roberts, Michael Douglas, Sharon Osbourne and the list goes on. What if these people would have chosen not to share their story? They could have dealt with it on their own, within their private circle, but they didn’t, they chose to get involved, let others in their world, show their vulnerability to remind us all that we are only human, and that no matter what the status, no one is immune to hurt. My aunt who has lived with Multiple Sclerosis most of her life told me that, “Sometimes it takes a celebrity to bring awareness to a certain condition.” Being famous certainly does not hurt the cause. A

celebrity status can help in fundraising, inspiration, and even motivation, but so can you. What about those whose names weren’t in the spotlight, Willie Lee Tate, Debra Daniels, Sandra C. Smith, Ingrid Smith, Derek Brown, Lee Arnold, Valerie Lovelady, Myrtle R. Ware, Gloria Holloway, Bobbie Hartfield. These are our family members, our neighbors, our friends, our colleagues, our heroes. These people have fought the fight. Some made it through; others did not give up, but gently surrendered when it was their time. Nonetheless, they are our inspiration and SO ARE YOU. Each of us has a unique story that we can share with someone else. For so many years, I tried to deal with my illness on my own, only to keep it within my private little circle. Why? The short answer… the real answer… FEAR. I was afraid of what others might think of me, afraid that I would be seen as weak, afraid that I wouldn’t be promoted because others would view me as sickly or not able to manage because of my differing abilities. But the irony of my life was, each day, as a counselor, coach, educator, and helper, I expected others to let me into their private world, tell me their secrets, tell me their pains, their deepest hurts; but I wasn’t willing to let anyone know about mine. This pain, this hurt, this toxicity that I held in and tried to deal with on my own did not help me feel better, physically or emotionally. You see when you try to keep a secret, or try to keep others at bay from knowing the real story, it’s kind of like fighting those gray hairs; you have to keep on covering it and covering it and covering it and covering it. It can get very exhausting. The secret can start to become the hurt. I realize now that I wasn’t living in my purpose. I needed to be transparent with others, so that they too could be totally transparent with me. Don’t ask for something from others that you aren’t willing to give of yourself. I realized that there was a reason for this, a reason that I was a SURVIVOR, a reason that I AM still here. There was a story that I needed to share in order to help someone else. But in order to help someone else, I had to be willing to let others into my world.

Brandon gives us a prime example of the things that we do to try our best to AVOID the HURT. I gave an example of not letting others in, trying to handle it on my own. The things that we normally do to avoid the hurt include: Not letting others in our world, engaging in unhealthy relationships, using mind control tactics such as Jedi Mind tricks, trying to program our brains to think it doesn’t really matter, when our hearts know it really does, and finally, staying in that state of denial and continuing to try to convince ourselves that this isn’t our reality. When we begin to realize that we are not alone on this journey, it will make our walk, just a little bit easier. I am not the only one who has survived a grim medical diagnosis; my parents aren’t the only ones who lost a child to death; you are not the only one who has been abused; you aren’t the only one who has received the dreadful diagnosis; you are not the only one who experiences the hurt. We are all in this together. Some people’s journeys may appear to be a little bit harder than others. Some people may feel more pain than they wish to feel in a lifetime; my story is not bigger than yours; his story is not better than mine. Our story is our story. It happened to us for a reason. It may be happening now, and you don’t understand why. At this present moment, I am laying in a hospital bed writing my story. I could say, this is so unfair, poor me. I could get mad at the nurses because they had to stick me on several occasions to try to find a vein. I could say, I just got discharged only five days ago from a previous stay, why am I back here again? I could say those things; I could moan, groan, and complain. I could have a nasty attitude with everyone that comes into the room. But my question is, “Why? Why would I?” You see, the way I see it is that I am blessed with another day. God allowed me to wake up this morning and do things just a little bit differently or better than I did them yesterday. There is a purpose for this day. No, no one likes to be in a hospital; no one likes to deal with the pains associated with illness. But we have to do what we need to do in order to get stronger, in order to do better, in order to serve others, in order for us to heal. You see, I know that this Horrible

Unfair Reality is only Temporary. Yesterday is gone, today is a day that will eventually pass (some call it a present), and tomorrow will come, regardless. I can only do what I can do today; there are some things that I can have control over, some things I don’t, but what I know for sure is that the attitude that I have, in my process of healing will be a great contributor to my outcome. I’m on this journey with you. Although I can’t possibly write about every hurt imaginable in a book, I can share with you how changing some old habits can change into new beginnings. “Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive, because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive, because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny.” -Mahatma Gandhi

Part II Healing Healing from the Hurt Someone once asked me, do you really completely heal? After such trauma takes place, can your body, mind, and spirit be made whole again? With that question, I would like to share a story of healing.

Daniella’s Dilemma Daniella was a Rhodes Scholar who had great opportunities before her. While in college she played with the thought of becoming a lawyer or an English professor. She did everything that she needed to get experience in each area. Every summer she was either on Capitol Hill during an internship with a State Senator or she was working in a Summer Program helping less fortunate kids from nontraditional environments prepare for college. While in school, she joined the pre-law club and held multiple internships during the year with well-known lawyers in her city. During her senior year, she was offered a full-time job on Capitol Hill. She was also offered a job at a local inner city high school to teach English. The one thing that she wanted but didn’t have was an acceptance letter from a law school. Fear of failure kept her from applying. She also didn’t want to leave her home state to go to another state to be alone. But the real reality was that she didn’t want to leave her 4-year-old daughter in order to pursue her dreams. You see, during her senior year in high school, Daniella became pregnant. Because of her petite stature, her family did not notice it until she was seven months pregnant. The pregnancy was a devastating blow for Daniella as well as her family, but they got past the hurt and gave her the love and

support she needed. In return, she was able to reciprocate the love to her child. Everything she did, she did with Kai in mind. Daniella’s parents had helped her to raise Kai until this point, and she promised that once she got out of college, she would be able to fully support her child. In addition to that, she and her fiancé were planning a wedding for next year. So, in the manner of trying to keep everyone happy, Daniella chose the high school teaching position and convinced herself that she would teach for a while, have a little more time to prepare for the LSAT, and take the exam in April. The present job would only be temporary, and she would be living the life of her dreams in no time. Everything went as planned; she taught for a year, took the LSAT and nervously awaited her results. Daniella was accepted into Stanford, Columbia, and Northwestern, all of her dream schools. She was so excited and ready to plan for this new chapter in her life until her husband received the news that he got accepted into culinary school. Although her husband was kind at times, he felt that a wife should be submissive to the husband and priority should be given to what will be most beneficial for the leader (the man) of the household. Therefore, no matter what Daniella said or how much she tried to convince him of the long-term benefits of this move, he said that she would have to work full-time, support the family, and wait until he was finished with culinary school until she could go to law school. Although this hurt her very badly, she tried to be as positive as she could and said that this dream deferred is only a temporary dream deferred and she would stay on her game and be sure to enroll in law school once her husband completed his culinary training. Fast-forward two years. Daniella kept her word. She worked very hard with her husband and supported her family. Times were hard. They moved very far away from her family, so she knew no one in the city in which they moved and had to figure out things on her own. There were many times that they struggled on one income, just to keep the lights on. But she kept on, trying to keep her dream alive.

Also, during this time, her husband’s drinking and drug use began to get worse. You see, he socially drank with friends, did recreational drugs, marijuana from time to time when he was in college, but now he was doing it everyday along with a bottle of vodka every night. Sadly, it is not very hard to see where this is going. Daniella, like so many of us, tried to hide her hurt and she did an excellent job of keeping it away from her family. It started off with a little push here and a shove there, but no push or shove is ever small. He would always apologize; she would forgive him, and life was life. The little pushes turned into bigger pushes, and little shoves turned into bruises and even a black eye. Daniella was hurt, not only physically but emotionally as well. She didn’t understand why all of this was going on. She tried to talk with him; the talking eventually turned to arguing, and nothing was resolved. During a visit, Daniella’s sister noticed her husband’s behavior and questioned her about it. Daniella said that he was just “stressed” and asked her not to make a big deal of it. Ok, her sister thought, she would let it go, and she decided not to get in the midst of their business. When Daniella’s husband graduated from culinary school, he told her that he wanted to work in the area for a while before moving and that they would move after he gained more experience. In the middle of the year, he had an offer that prompted him to make a move to Georgia. Being in mid-year, he moved there on his own so that she wouldn’t have to break her teaching contract. She stayed behind and held it together while he was in Atlanta doing his thing. He never sent money home and almost every other week he had a story to tell her about why he got fired from his last job. He would come home at least twice a month, and it was like hell from the time he got there until the time he left. He was not only more verbally abusive, he became more physically abusive, and not only to her anymore but to their seven-year-old daughter. He became so mad at her one day that he twisted Kai’s arm and knocked her into a door. For Daniella, this was the last straw. He could abuse her all he

wanted; she knew it wasn’t right, but she tolerated it. But when he began to put his hands on her daughter she had to step in. This time he came home for what was only to be for a weekend, but the weekend ended up turning into weeks and the weeks into a month. She couldn’t take it anymore, so she decided to try to sneak away and go and visit her family. He heard her and Kai trying to sneak out early one morning, and all hell broke loose. Kai had to call the police because he wouldn’t stop hitting Daniella. The police came and arrested him. Daniella and Kai decided to leave and go visit with her parents for a while until everything cooled down. All the while she was gone, he called repeatedly, trying to apologize, trying to explain to her parents what went on, telling her he would get some help and making false promises that he never kept. She went back. Things were the same and after the last fight, the last punch in the stomach, the last black eye, and the last time he called her a derogatory name, she decided it was time to let it go. It hurt to let go of someone that she thought she loved, someone she had dedicated her life to. Someone she knew that was hurting. You see, he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and he wouldn’t take his meds, go to counseling or try to get any help for himself. He just kept drinking and kept down his destructive path. She decided that in order to save herself and her daughter, she had to let it go, no matter how much it hurt. Today, she still can’t believe that her life turned out like it did, but she is proud to know that she saved herself and her daughter. She realized that her destiny was bigger than being someone’s punching bag. It was scary. She didn’t know how she would make it, but she did. She dealt with her HURT using Faith. She didn’t see what was to come, but she knew that she would be protected. Today, she is one of the strongest women I know, dedicating her life to children with different abilities and helping to build villages and schools in other countries for those who are less fortunate. Yes, she was hurt, but she chose not to make that hurt her final chapter. She processed it, did what she needed to do in order to help her heal, and placed

focus not on her hurt and pain, but found her life’s purpose in helping others to heal. Her work, her process, her attitude and choice to heal has taken away the bitterness, and now she has a life full of love that she is ready to enjoy.

What Helps? Healing Helpers (Know that this too shall pass.) “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” When we are facing pain, trials, and challenging situations, what we must know is that “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5) The good and the bad of it is that nothing stays the same; therefore, it is important to have a positive mindset while you’re in the midst of the storm. You can take the time and look back at almost any situation that you have been through and realize that no matter how bad it was, you made it through. You may not have come out of it like you began, you may have even lost something in that process, but hopefully you were able to learn the lesson and move on. Although you might have put up some resistance or decided to just Let Go, the situation did not last forever. Changes had to be made, and that’s life, full of changes. If you take some time to reflect, you might just realize how that hurt and that pain helped to mold the character, strength, and courage that you have today. Many of you can even see the good that came as a result of that experience, because when that door closed, another one opened. An even better door. Can anybody relate? Life is all about seasons and change. We are given what we need at the right time. We may not recognize it right then, especially when it is so painful, but somewhere down the line, in the future you see that it led to greater maturation and freedom in your life. Bad times don’t last forever. Hurts will eventually heal if you allow them to. It may seem like you’re in the worst snowstorm imaginable, but things will

get better, the ice will melt, the winds will calm, and the sun will most definitely shine again. “Often it’s the deepest pain, which empowers you to grow into your highest self.” -(Author Unknown) “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” - Lao Tzu

A Mother’s Love I have the joy of finishing this book up around Mother’s Day. Where would we be without our mothers? Where would we be without their love, care, concern, sweet love, tough love, unconditional love? I hope that either you have a mother or someone who has shared enough joy with you to give you what you needed as a mother figure. A mother doesn’t always have to be biological, but a mother is there when you need her the most. I know that I would be lost without my mother. I don’t know where I would be today, and I really don’t know if I would have made it this far. “It must have been cold there in my shadow, to never have sunlight on your face. You were content to let me shine, that’s your way. You always walked a step behind. I was the one with all the glory, and you were the one with all the strength. A beautiful face without a name, for so long. A beautiful smile to hide the pain. Did you ever know that you’re my hero? And everything I would like to be. I can flyer higher than an eagle because you are the wind beneath my wings,” sung by Bette Midler. This song somewhat expresses the joy, the love, the sacrifices that my mother made for me, so that I could shine.

She sacrificed to keep me from the hurt and stayed there and held my hand, cleaned me up (literally)--those times when I couldn’t make it to the trash can or restroom, held me up (when I was too weak to stand and had to be placed on bed rest after passing out in the restroom), and encouraged me when I had no choice but to endure. I know that she would have taken the pain any day at any moment from me. She expressed that to me and she expressed it to God. This was something that I would never want her to do, but she did it anyway. I believe that everyone has his or her own cross to bear, and there are special people in our lives, our mothers, special angels, who are there to keep holding you up even when you feel like you can’t take another step. I can’t even begin to explain what my mom has done for me, the things that she has seen me go through, the heartache she has felt because she was helpless and couldn’t do anything but pray and call on the name of Jesus for me when I was unable to do it myself. When I think of my mother, there will never be enough words to express my gratitude for all that she has done. Give her the gratitude. Give her the thanks. None of us are perfect, but most of us wouldn’t be the people that we are if we didn’t have a mother or mother-like figure to nurture us and guide us to be the people that we are. With that, it leads me into our next story.

Stacy’s Story Stacy was in the second trimester of her pregnancy when the doctor called her in to run some additional tests. She had it all planned out. She was 25, in an MBA program, and would be graduating in less than 12 months. During the time she was a fulltime student, she decided that everything was going as planned and all she needed was a sperm donor to supply her with the necessary equipment so that she could start to plan her family. (Ok, I know that last statement threw you for a loop, but these are real stories so just stay with me; it does have a message). She didn’t need someone who wanted to be in a close relationship, just someone who had

good moral values to do the right thing. He could be in the child’s life if he wanted to, but they could work out the logistics later. Sounds right on point, huh? The problem was, one day for some strange reason, she started having feelings for the future sperm donor. She didn’t set out telling him exactly what she wanted to do, but the conversation was discussed at least by the third date. He took it as a joke, but she was very serious, serious enough to have an attorney to compose a contract stating the terms of the agreement. He continued to play her off. He seemed like a good catch. Smart, hardworking, nice looking, seemed to have a steady head on his shoulders, and he believed in some of the same moral characteristics that she did. She had to admit, she had a lot of fun with him and really started falling for him. One thing led to another and the contract was not talked about as much. They had a great summer. It was carefree. He didn’t pressure her. She didn’t pressure him. Somewhere during the course of the relationship, Rod (the sperm donor) wanted to get a little more serious. See, he was about 10 years older than Stacy and had been through this once before. He was looking to have a family and settle down. Stacy on the other hand, was not quite ready for the leap. In August she found out that she was pregnant. Ecstatic and happy about the news, she shared it with Rod. They would have a child together and hopefully she could talk him into giving her full custody. Well, this conversation did not go as smoothly as planned. At this point he claimed to be “All IN,” saying he loved her, saying he wanted to raise his children together and finally, popped the question. All of this was news for her. This was not part of the plan. They were not supposed to fall in love and have joint custody. He would get the kid one weekend a month and maybe for some supervised time during the summer. Rod wasn’t going for this. He talked to her family and convinced them that marriage was the right thing to do. After months and months of resistance, Stacy FINALLY gave in. Okay, he seems to be a good guy. I guess I like him enough, she thought. He will be living

in one state and me in another. How bad could it be? Two months before she was supposed to deliver the baby, they got married and thought it might be love blossoming. Wrong again. Once they were married, the carefree lifestyle she used to live was abruptly turned upside down. She lived in Texas and he in Louisiana; the arrangement had worked out fine in the past, but not anymore. He demanded that they move in with him and that she leave her job in Texas to stay home and care for the baby. She could not believe what was going on. How could this man she thought she knew, make such a drastic change and be so controlling? On top of this, she was trying to get adjusted to her new job and at the same time juggle the news that the doctors had been sharing with her for months: there was a very high likelihood that her child would be born with a disability. They weren’t sure about what kind, but his body did not seem to be maturing in all of the areas that it should. Because of complications, they would need to induce labor, undergo a cesarean, and get the baby the life saving medical treatment that he needed. Not once did she waiver in her faith. She had worked in childcare for most of her life before deciding to go into the field of business. She had seen these things happen more than once. She just knew, if she stayed strong and kept the faith, everything would work out for the best. She delivered her beautiful baby boy, without Rod being present. He was out of town and told her that she could probably schedule the cesarean when he got back. He still did not understand the intensity of the situation. Her baby needed fast and immediate treatment in order to be given the best chance at life he could have. Shortly after birth, the baby had to be airlifted to a hospital in another state that specialized in this type of trauma care. She was right there by his side, promising never to leave him or go home, until the day HE was stable enough to go home. The doctors performed surgery after surgery after surgery, trying to get it right. It broke her heart to see her little one suffer and to know that she couldn’t do anything about it.

The hurt of having a child that may be disabled can be a shock to any parent. Parents hold strong to the assumption that their kids are their way out. Their kids will be able to do all the things that they weren’t able to do; all those dreams could be re-lived through their kids. All the things they didn’t have. They could give them to their kids. But what is the reality when you find out your child’s life might be limited? He or she may not have the same capabilities as other children. What happens when you find out your child may not be able to process things as quickly and normally as other kids do? Well, let me tell you, all kinds of thoughts go through a parent’s head. It may start with denial, then go into blame--blaming oneself, then blaming others, even at times blaming God. Like many parents, for Stacy, a Mother’s Love was a Mother’s Love, nothing could take that away. Yes, it hurt; the uncertainty of the unknown,the fear, the acceptance, but not only for her, but also for her child. How would she be able to shield him from such hurt? But she stayed focused; she couldn’t give in to these thoughts now. Miraculously, after months and months of grueling surgeries, touch and go situations, and staying strong for her little one, Steven was out of the woods. Yes, he would still have to undergo treatments, learning differences might be present, but the pain of the surgeries and waiting for the doctor’s reports on whether he made it through surgery were over. Having some basic normal activities and responses like other kids, was a joyful time of relief for Stacy. Throughout this time, her marriage was not very strong. Rod did not support her or his son like he should have. He was in a denial of his own. His first and only son going through this, “Why couldn’t everything just be normal?” he constantly asked. He questioned Stacy’s behavior during the pregnancy and blamed her for Steven’s outcome. He would come to visit him out of obligation, but did not want to accept the reality that his son may not be the normal son that he could brag about. Stacy knew what had to be done. She knew that Rod would never give Steven the love and nurturing that he so desperately

needed and deserved. She knew that she would have to be the one to keep her son motivated, active, and actively loved. She realized that things do not always go “as planned,” but you have to deal with the curves and keep it moving. There were many times that she longed for a listening ear from her husband, but soon just decided to focus all of her energy on her son and helping other children who were differently abled. The two continued to stay married, but often never lived in the same place. He traveled a lot with his job, and she was willing to move to the location where her child could receive the best treatment. Their life became mundane. They spoke, but didn’t speak. Everything that was done was done so that Steven could have a more normal life. With all of her help, special classes and with much support from her friends and family, Steven blossomed into a gifted child. Doctors were surprised at his intelligence quotient and amazed by the progress he was making in his development. Although things started off slowly, as the years passed, Steven became more and more gifted. You could barely see the surgical scars; they healed perfectly, and no one could tell a difference between him and another child his age. Doctors had always predicted that he would be smaller than other children, but once again he beat the odds. As Steven began to make more progress, Rod began to come around more and wanted to become more involved in his life. Stacy saw this and was very protective because she knew the bitterness and rejection that her husband had expressed for many years. Still, when he would get angry, he would blame her for the things that were going wrong. This journey had not been an easy one for this mother. There were many times when she didn’t know whether she was going or coming. “What blow would be next? What more would my child have to go through?” She asked. The hurt that she experienced in Steven’s first years of life was indescribable. She would have taken all of his pain if she could, but the only thing she could do was be there and hold his hand and support him. In turn, he

was a very happy child, caring, loving and expressing joy in most of the things that he did. There has been research to say that children, especially children in situations in which their livelihood and health are challenged, can exude certain spiritual qualities beyond their years. Children’s spirituality is a topic of much research, and although we can teach children about religion, we usually can’t teach them spirituality. This is an innate experience that they have on their own. Steven exuded many qualities of a highly spiritual child, and it was evidenced through his interactions and his being. Children are also very interpretive. Many can sense when one is genuine and when one is not. Despite not seeing his father on a continual basis during his hospital stays, he still treated him with love and kindness and embraced him with a hug and a smile that radiated in the room when he did see his father. One might pose the question, “Is it nature or nurture?” But when it comes to children and their being, can this be explained? Although Stacy wanted to protect him, she knew that she had to allow Steven to be himself. You see, sometimes the things that hurt us as adults are easily forgiven by children. For the most part, children just want to receive love and acceptance, and sometimes they can also see others who need love and acceptance. The healing through forgiveness, through love, through not showing anger and bitterness, did not make things acceptable for Stacy, but from her son, she saw the real meaning of unconditional love, healing, and forgiveness. It is yet to be known what Rod learned, but we can only hope that through his son’s trials and finally triumphs, he saw the true spirit of love, acceptance, and healing despite the hurt.

What Does a Person Need to Heal? From A Scientific Point of View (The Medical Model of Healing)

What does a patient need in order to heal? 1. Follow the doctor’s orders 2. Take your medication 3. Follow up on appointments 4. Follow the plan 5. Include the assistance of others (Caregivers, Family, Friends, Support Groups) 6. Rest. From a scientific point of view (or medical model of healing) - A patient needs to follow the doctor’s orders, take the prescribed medication, follow up on appointments, follow the prescribed plan (change of diet, exercise, physical therapy, occupational therapy, surgery, etc.), and maybe even include the assistance of others (caregivers or home health care workers). The doctors also suggest that we get plenty of rest when healing. Physicians stress that if you don’t follow the plan, you have a less likely outcome to be cured of your ailment. As a result, many of us don’t think twice about following the doctor’s orders. Why? The answer is because, we want to live.

From A Psychological Point of View (The Psychological Model) 1. Therapy 2. Medication 3. Self-Regulation Strategies 4. Support From a psychological viewpoint, there are many things that can cause trauma or hurt in one’s life. Having a repetitive experience in which you feel powerless (example: emotional, physical or sexual abuse), a horrific event that you had no control over (ex. car accident, natural disaster such as a hurricane), receiving the news that you have a illness that seems to have a bleak outcome (being

diagnosed with cancer or multiple sclerosis), or even an incident that took you off guard, something that you were unprepared for such as your place of employment unexpectedly closing and not giving you ample time to find another job. The treatment for healing these types of hurts can include therapy, self-regulation strategies, trust building, and talking through and processing the trauma. In has been indicated in the psychological literature that facing these hurts by acknowledging the feelings and memories associated with the hurt can be very effective. Repressing the emotions associated with the events (such as in the case of Brandon) is not helpful in the short or long-term, is not helpful in the recovery/healing process, and in some instances can lead to further psychological distress. From a therapeutic standpoint, it is important to stay connected with others, even when you feel like withdrawing and isolating yourself. Secondly, don’t be afraid to ask for help or even seek help. Talking through the painful memories and feelings can help you feel supported. Relaxation and stress reduction techniques, eating a healthy diet, exercising, getting back into your normal routine, and feeling free to express your emotions are other recommendations that help healing from this model.

From A Spiritual Point of View 1. Faith and Belief 2. Commitment 3. Reading the word and affirming/and or God’s healing scriptures 4. Prayer From a religious point of view, healing is often referred to from scripture, and these verses make reference to what a person needs to do in order to be healed. It reminds readers that once they accept the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, then they have taken the first step to healing. There is a heavy reliance on scripture, and believers are strongly advised to follow them, speak them, and meditate them on a

regular basis in order to heal. There is a verse in the Bible that states, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” With this strength, nothing is impossible. The biggest takeaway from the religious viewpoint is that you must have faith and you must believe that trouble won’t last always. Healing from the biblical perspective covers not only the healing of physical problems, but also shows scripture concerning mental and financial healing. In Matthew 9:22, “Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you whole.” This verse emphasizes the need to have faith and belief. Similar verses: And he said to him, “Rise and go your way; your faith has made you well.” Other verses give remedies for Healing from the Hurt. For example, Proverbs 17:22 reads, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Having joy in your heart brings you thoughts of happiness, which in turn can be a helper on your road to happiness and healing. It is important to note that one can be spiritual and not religious. Religious people follow a certain doctrine and rules that they are expected to live by; one can be spiritual and believe in a higher being or purpose without following doctrine. Research has shown that having a belief in a higher being or something bigger than yourself, or even dedicating yourself to a spiritual practice such as meditation, can have positive benefits in one’s life. Many people have affirmed that engaging in a spiritual practice on a consistent basis has helped to heal them on mental, physical and emotional levels.

Part III Healing Habits The Nine Healthy Habits to Turn Your HURT into HEALING The First Healing Habit: Forgiveness and Faith “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; You are the one who gets burned.” - Buddha “You will begin to HEAL when you let go of past hurts, FORGIVE those who have wronged you and learn to forgive YOURSELF for your mistakes.” - (Author Unknown) H - Have a forgiving heart and spirit and be willing to Forgive Yourself and others In order to move forward and heal, we must be willing to forgive. We say that we do it; we think that we can, but it is often easier said than done. When you think about it, what purpose does it serve to harbor anger, unforgiveness, and in some cases, hate toward someone else? Does it hurt that person? Ninety-five percent of the time it doesn’t. The person you are holding these toxic feelings for has moved on and is happy with his or her life. Does it hurt you? Most definitely it does. Study after study has shown that

unforgiveness, anger, and stress can damage a person’s mind and body. Physical illness can come as a result of long-term stress. Mental and emotional distress such as depression and anxiety can also come as a result of unhealthy emotions, which often stem from fear and unforgiveness. This refers to fear in the sense that we give something or someone power over us, power over our mind and control over our actions. When a person constantly lives in fear, that person does not have the freedom to live the life he or she was destined to live. There is always the question, “What if. What if this goes wrong? What if that happens?” You have to come to the point where you ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” Do you have any control over it? And are you going to let this “thing” continue to control your life. Do you always want to live like a caged bird? Or do you desire the freedom to spread your wings and fly? The choice is up to you. The reality is, yes, bad things do happen. Yes, there are mean people in the world. Yes, you will have challenges that you will have to overcome. But the good news is that YES, YOU CAN. You can choose to forgive. Take a moment to imagine how it would feel to release that weight. Doesn’t it make you feel much lighter? How would it feel to just let it go? Try it. Let it go. Let it go Now. We can’t change anything about the past. We can’t change anything about another person. We can’t regain the time we’ve lost. What we can do is make the choice to let it go. Release yourself and begin to live the life that feels good for you. The hatred isn’t going to bring the love back. The anger isn’t going to force him to repent or make him change his ways. The only thing that it will add to your life is more stress and more wrinkles. Have you seen a person who constantly frowns all the time? It’s true what your mom said, “Your face will get stuck like that.” I have seen beautiful people turn into people that were unrecognizable, only because they harbored unforgiveness. There comes a point in our lives when we just have to let go; that thing that you’re holding on to is no longer serving you a purpose. If you’re reading this book on this day, at this moment, maybe the time is now

- “Let Go and Forgive.” Yes, they may have hurt you in the past, but don’t let the past action determine your present happiness. Almost everyone experiences hurt; people are often hurt by someone else’s thought, word, or deed. For many of us it hurts the most when the pain is inflicted by those closest to us. Some people say, “You can forgive, but you don’t have to forget.” No, it isn’t going to be a party all the time, and you will have reminders of certain incidents, but when you truly forgive, when you truly let it go, you allow yourself to begin to heal. You don’t always bring up the incident when you see that person or when you are reminded of the event. When you truly forgive, you have peace. Peace within you and peace with others no matter what they have done to you. I’m not saying that it is in your best interest to be around that person and act as if nothing happened; you wouldn’t be true to yourself if you did that. But if you do see that person, if she comes into your space, never let her see you sweat. What many people tend to think is that when you forgive and let go, life is good and you should act like nothing has happened; this is not realistic for many. For some people, this ultimate act of forgiveness can occur. Divine spirits such as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Mahatma Ghandi, or Mother Teresa continued to show love and nonviolence to the people who continued to try to hurt their movement. These people were the exception. And there are those that are the exceptional lights in the world, but for the rest of us, if we are able to say, “I let go and forgive,” that is a great start. Can you say today, “Yes, I am in pain. Yes, I have been hurt, or I am still hurting, but no matter how bad it feels, no matter what I’ve been through, I am able to let it go and forgive.” Do this and watch AMAZING things happen with your healing. Forgiveness of others, things and circumstances is a MUST in order to heal, but the MOST important step you can take is FORGIVING YOURSELF. So often, unconsciously we hold ill feelings toward ourselves. We blame ourselves for the things that occurred, the things that went wrong. If we had only done something

differently, the situation would not have turned out the way it did. If we would have only driven the other route, if we would have worked harder, if we would have shown more love, if we would have let go of the fries and had a salad, instead. If we would have gone to church more, if we would have taken the other route, if we would have listened to our gut feeling--that “God-Sense” instead of what we thought was good sense. If this, if that. The fact is that we cannot change what is already done. The past is the past. Yes, maybe if you would have done something differently, things would have turned out differently. Maybe so, but what is done, has been done. We can’t take back yesterday, but what we can do is live for TODAY. What is the good in punishing yourself? How will it help your pain? It does nothing but add more stress to your life and hinder your healing. Forgiving ourselves may be one of the hardest things to do, even harder than forgiving someone else. The problem is that often we do realize we are not forgiving ourselves. We have replayed that movie for so long, used the negative self-talk for so long, that we don’t even know that we are doing it to ourselves. What things are you saying or doing to yourself that are blocking self-love? I’ve heard people say, “How can you love someone else without first loving yourself?” So true. But we do it all the time. You no longer have to punish yourself. At some point, just like forgiving others, we have to forgive ourselves and let go. Selflove and self-forgiveness is a very powerful step that we must take in order to thrive, in order to heal. We need it in order to live. Take a moment out and think about it; how are you stopping yourself from healing? How do you keep sabotaging loving yourself? You are free, there is only one you, and how can others love and accept the way you are if YOU don’t love and accept the way you are. Stop punishing yourself; it will do no good. If you really want to step into love, step into total and complete healing. Take the time to do the work and ask yourself the questions, “How can I love me for me? How can I forgive myself for the things that I have done?” We all make mistakes; don’t keep punishing yourself for them. Others

criticize and punish us enough. Why do we do it to ourselves? You are a unique, lovely, worthy and beautiful person JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Not even yourself. Control your thoughts. Control your mind. Release yourself from the punishment and pain and see what a change it will make in your life and how you will move a step closer in the healing process. “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

H - Have Faith Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen (Hebrews 11:1). If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “Move from here to there,” and it will move. Nothing would be impossible for you” (Matthew 17:20). Whatever your belief system, you must have faith, which is in essence belief in the unknown and the unseen. It is the belief that even though you can’t see it, you know that it is going to get better, one-way or the other. Let’s face it; life does not go as we plan. At some point, at some time, you will have an unexpected surprise. This event can be for the good, or we can perceive it as something bad. We don’t know why some things happen as they do. What most of us have come to realize is that life happens no matter what. We can do our best to plan for the future, but none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. We may receive devastating news that can change our life forever, or we can receive unbelievable news of a miraculous event. Either way, in order to make it through the hurt, we have to have faith in knowing that the present situation is not going to stay the same. We must hold on to the faith and believe that things will get better. When I was deathly ill, I could not understand WHY this was happening to me. Why did I have to suffer? Why did I have to go through this? What had I done in life that was so bad?

Did I really deserve this when there are really bad people in the world? My questions to why were never answered, but instinctively I heard an inner voice saying, “WHY NOT YOU?” The voice told me, “You have limitations, and you can either try to continue to fight this on your own, or you can surrender it and start believing that this situation will be taken care of without your help.” On that day, I had to surrender. I only had faith in knowing that it would one day get better. I did not see it then. I could not see how I could bounce back from weighing 63 pounds and not being able to keep any food down. I don’t know if you can imagine this or not, but I didn’t have a butt, literally. It hurt when I sat down because I had no padding back there. I had never seen anything like it in my life. I could not see myself weighing the 102 pounds that I weigh today. I couldn’t even see myself being released from the hurt and pain. No pain medication took it away. No food gave me comfort. The only thing that I had was faith, and prayers that things would turn around for me. The bible verse says, “And by your faith, you are healed.” Specifically, Mark 10:52 “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” My healing was nothing short of a miracle. It was like one day God said, “My child, take up your bed of affliction, go forward now, you are healed.” The miracle occurred in an instant. It was like He touched me one day and life was brought back into my body. Would this have occurred if I didn’t have the faith? I don’t know. But what I do know is that my faith was tested. I had to surrender to and believe in something that I could not see or feel. I knew that it would be better, one-way or the other. Either I would be healed and my body would begin to function again, or I would be healed and my spirit would be free, with my physical body not experiencing the pain anymore. I know that it was not time for my earthly body to be free. I still had work to do, and that’s why I’m sharing this with you. You can move from the hurt into the healing. I know that it hurts. I know that you have fear of the unknown, but again, there comes a time when you must surrender. There are certain things you have control over,

but most things, you do not. Surrender, give it to your higher power, give it to God, give in, let it go and step out on faith and in faith knowing that even though you don’t see it now, healing is going to come.

The Second Healing Habit: Enjoy Life and Practice Positive Thinking “Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” - Author unknown “Change your thoughts and you change your world.” - Norman Vincent Peale

E - Enjoy Life and Practice Positivity Practice Positive Thinking - In order to live a joyful life, we must practice positive thinking. Within the past twenty years there has been this resurgence of what we know as positive psychology. Philosophers, theologians, and people like you and me have practiced the power of positivity for many years; we just might not have known that there was a name connected to it. Many people may attribute this newfound movement to “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne, but even before her time, there were theorists such as Napoleon Hill, Norman Vincent Peale and Florence Scovel Shinn. These belief systems can also be traced back to the Bible with verses such as: “You are what you think, even as a man thicketh so is he, etc)...quotations from Buddha (“The mind is everything. What you think you become, Happiness does not depend on what you

have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think”) and many others that are too numerous to name. Our healing lies in our thoughts. Our destiny lies in our speech. First, it is a thought in the mind. Then, the thought is spoken out loud for everyone, including the universe to hear. What are your thoughts? What are you thinking and speaking into existence? Are you speaking that you are healed from this hurt, or are you merely repeating what the doctors have said and waiting to die. Are you speaking that you will get over this broken relationship and the door is opening for something even better, much greater than you could ever imagine, or are you focused on the pain and how you can “get him back” for hurting you. Are you cursing all people who drink and drive or are you volunteering as a crisis counselor or attending Alanon meetings to get a better understanding of the illness and the effects it can have on a family system? Think for a minute. What if you turned all of those negative thoughts that you are having into something more positive? How might your hurt be different now? Would it still feel so sharp or would you be moving even closer into the realm of healing that you so deeply desire? So, what is positive thinking? The next question you may ask is, “Does it really work?” Sometimes seeing is better than believing. For those of you who watch contemporary Christian television, there is this young pastor named Joel Osteen, and he has had a very big influence on many people. His messages always seem to have a positive tone, the power of positive thinking and speaking. He often tells the story of his mom, Dodie Osteen who was diagnosed with cancer many years ago. When she was told that she had cancer and had only so many years to live, she put her faith into action. She began to quote healing scriptures from the Bible throughout the day, and spoke positive words over her life. Even though she knew that there was the reality of cancer, she chose not to accept that reality as a part of her life. After her daily regimen of speaking good and vibrant health into her existence, a later scan revealed that she was

cancer free. Some may have seen it as a miracle; others may have seen it as faith through works. She kept a positive attitude throughout the diagnosis and spoke her healing into existence. Martin Pistorius, author of the best-selling book, Ghost Boy, lived for half of his life in silence. Although he couldn’t talk and others thought he didn’t understand anything they said, he was completely aware of the things that were going on around him. Imagine been locked in a body and not being able to express yourself, not being able to ask for what you want, not being able to defend yourself, not being able to express hurt or happiness. He experienced hurt; there were many mean things said to him, many abusive things done to him, but at that point, he couldn’t speak out for himself. But because someone believed in him, someone noticed that glimmer in his eye, today he can communicate. Martin could have chosen to be bitter and angry toward the ones who hurt him, but he didn’t. He chose to turn his frustration and others’ misunderstanding of him into a story that could help someone else. His was not only a story of triumph, strength and survival, but also one of healing--healing in more ways than one. I often wondered how much my brother understood after his brain injury. I yearned to know what he remembered. Did he even know that we were his family, people who loved him very much? Did he understand that we were his caretakers who chose not to institutionalize him, but have him home with us, surrounded by things that might stimulate his memory? Unlike Martin, Lee never spoke again after his accident. I could only look deeply into his eyes and try to understand what he was saying. I knew that he did not enjoy being in that state, unable to move on his own, unable to care for himself, unable to do something as simple as scratch his nose. I often tried to imagine myself being in his shoes, but it was too painful. The doctors said that he would never show emotion. But he did. He laughed when we put on his favorite comedies, he cried when he was sad, and he even gave us stern looks when he didn’t feel like being bothered at the moment. Whether or not he ever recognized us as his family, I hope that he did feel love from the

people who were caring for him. I witnessed him in the hospital when his head was swollen almost to the size of a watermelon. I witnessed blood coming through the gauzes. I witnessed, when the swelling did go down, how the part of his skull that was missing from his head left a deep indention that disfigured him. I also witnessed him heal, heal in his own way. It was not the perfect sense of healing, as we would have imagined, but the bandages were eventually taken off, his hair began to grown back. The scars that he experienced from the surgeries were still there, but not as hard to look at. The pain was lifted from when he initially was involved in the accident. Part of his skull was gone, but a part of his brain did heal; if it didn’t, he wouldn’t have been able to smile, laugh, cry and even look at us. I also feel secure in knowing that his total and complete healing came the day that he was lifted among the angels. He was healed from all of his physical limitations, and he was set free. Now I know that may not be the ending to the story that you wanted to hear, but life will move on, and we have to accept the healing in whatever way it comes. As long as we are living, we can do things to help improve our own personal healing and also help make the lives of others more comfortable, but ultimately we must accept that we don’t get everything like we want it all the time. We have to be thankful for the experience, live and laugh while we can, and don’t focus too hard on the hurt because we have a certain length of time to do what we need to do. No one can tell you the day or the hour, but I can tell you, you must try your best to enjoy every day and every hour, because it is a gift. Although you may be in pain right now, you must remember that it doesn’t last always. It also doesn’t have to be as painful. Yes, there are some things that you have no control over, but there are some things that you do. One is your attitude, and the other is your response to the situation. Attitude affects your altitude. What you constantly think about will come about. What are you focused on? You can either look at this time in your life as an unfair situation, or you can look at it as a catalyst for

positive change. There are many people who believe that everything happens for a reason. How can you use this situation for good? Attitude influences altitude, so where will this chapter in your life take you? Will you use it for the good or still continue to complain and make the situation even worse? Do you continue to see your hurt or situation as unfair? No one ever said that life is fair or that you will always get what you want. But guess what? It could always be worse. You may not think so now, but there are others who are in a worse situation than you are, and guess what else? They still have the courage to smile despite their situation. Remember, “I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” -Jimmy Dean.

The Third Healing Habit: Surround Yourself with A Support System “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word,a listening ear, an honest compliment or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” -Leo Buscaglia

A - A Support System Surround Yourself with a Support System No man is an island. Let’s face it, no matter how bad you want to, no matter how much you think you’ve got it taken care of, you need someone else. We were not put here to deal with life on our own. Adam did need a companion, the animals that boarded Noah’s ark needed a mate, and babies can’t survive without the love and care of their mother or a surrogate. What makes you or me any different? Even though you think you might be alone, you are not. Even though

your family, your loved ones, your closest friends might have abandoned you, there is still someone out there who cares. You may not see it, you may think that you are alone, but believe me, you are not. The person you least expect is there for you. The person you refuse to call wants to be there for you. The person you haven’t even met yet can walk into your life and give you the support you never knew you had. So, what must you do? Ask. We have not because we ask not. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. That’s what others are for. Do you think you exist just to exist? Or do you think you exist to make a difference in the life of someone else? I choose to believe the latter. Also, don’t be so fast to turn people away. Just because your help or support may not be in the package or person that you want it to be, never block your blessings. Support can come in many forms. Sometimes when you are hurting, you aren’t thinking clearly, and you don’t see what you need. Take the time to listen to your inner voice and don’t be so quick to push others away. Your gift can be right in front of your eyes. You just might not recognize it yet. A support system is defined as a network or group of people who provide someone with practical, spiritual, emotional, financial, or inspirational help, just to name a few. There are people all around who can serve as a part of your support network. Friends, family, others who have experienced what you’re going through, health care staff, specialized workers, caregivers, support groups, colleagues, co-workers, clergy. These are just a list of the more obvious and common supports. The main thing is that you get the help that you need at the most critical time that you need it. Don’t be afraid to ask because there are people who would love to be there for you. Sometimes, we don’t want to open ourselves up, maybe to be hurt again. But in order to live a happy, more peaceful and meaningful life, you must be willing to take that chance. You must realize that each person is different, and it would be beneficial to you if you would judge each person as an individual, and avoid placing people into a “group” because of your experiences with one person.

The benefits of having a support system or network can not only move you toward quicker healing, but could open the door for other resources that you may need in order to get to where you are trying to go. Support systems can be instrumental in providing physical, emotional, psychological, informational, and sometimes even financial support. Time and time again, studies have concluded that social support systems or networks can contribute to greater psychological well-being and emotional wellness. Support systems can promote a sense of comfort for the person, knowing he or she is not alone in this hurtful situation. It can also raise one’s self-esteem and instill a sense of safety and comfort knowing that you have someone there and that you are not going through this alone. This in turn can cultivate a sense of belonging. Support systems can also help produce healthier physical benefits. When experiencing feelings of hurt, pain, and crisis, some physical symptoms that may occur as a result of these feelings can include a faster heart rate, higher blood pressure, tension, loss of appetite, weight loss Therefore, through having the support of family, friends, or other social networks, one can gain greater hope when these resources are welcomed, received, and utilized. Just remember, no man or woman is an island, and think about if you were stranded on one, how lonely would that be? Yes, there may be times when you don’t feel like talking, entertaining, or socializing, but you can’t make this a part of your normal routine. It’s just not healthy. It is totally normal to ask for help. Yes, you probably could get through this on your own, but wouldn’t it be a little bit easier if you knew you had someone you could call on, someone who would listen, or someone who would simply be there to hold your hand and pass you the Kleenex? A part of the healing is that you must be open to receive and accept the help, no matter how it is disguised. What would be the worst thing that could happen if you opened yourself up and made yourself available to receive? Yes, certainly you could get hurt again, but at least you tried. Yes, it might be scary because you don’t want to open yourself up to be hurt once again, but you can’t keep living in

the past. Life is about living and taking chances. Don’t let hurt strip you from living your best life, being who you are, and enjoying your blessings. We have to be willing to take that chance. Maybe, just maybe, it will turn out for the good. What if this experience was the best thing that happened in your life? What if receiving the help took a little of that pain away, gave you a reason for being, and brought you a little bit closer to your healing?

The Fourth Healing Habit: Live. Laugh. Love. “A Joyful Heart is Good Medicine, but a Crushed Spirit Dries up the Bones” Proverbs 17:22

L - Live. Laugh. Love. Let’s face it. We can’t do anything about what happened in the past. The reality is that the hurt that we experienced or the pain that we may be currently experiencing has happened. You cannot re-do yesterday. What we do have control over is OUR ATTITUDE, OUR LIFE, OUR LOVE, OUR LAUGHS, and OUR HAPPINESS. You may not agree with me, but just try this little experiment with me. Choose to be happy for at least an hour, starting right now. Step back from what’s going on. Step back from the depths of despair that you may be struggling with. Even step back from that monitor that might be beeping in your hospital room just for an hour out of your 24-hour day today. Choose to be happy. Make a happy choice. Look through your phone and think about the smiles, the memories. What you were doing at the time when you were feeling those loving feelings. For those of you who haven’t heard of Frankie Beverly and Maze, look them up on YouTube, iTunes or Pandora and listen to their song

“Happy Feelings.” What about the infamous Despicable Me Song, “Happy” by Pharrell? When I’m feeling down, I always love to put on my Happy Hat. What is your song? What is your jam? Music has a way of taking you away from the moment and putting you in another place. Listen to some happy music right now. What’s your favorite comedy? One of mine is “The Hangover.” Who’s your favorite comedian? Everyone needs a little Kevin Hart in his or her life, and it always brightens my day when I see Ellen ‘do her dance’ at the beginning of her show. She really believes she is getting down, and SHE IS. Just a little shout out! Ellen I’d love to be on your show one day and do the happy dance with you! I’m sure we’re different, but in some ways we’re all the same. We all need joy. We cannot let the thing called hurt and pain take over our lives; we have to take over it! And believe you me, HURT is not some pushover; it takes fight, it takes courage, it takes the will to change, it takes the will to WIN. All of you are already winners because you are still here. Still standing. Still breathing. Even though you may be hurting, you are committed to HEALING. The healing has already begun. I’m just giving you some reminders of the tools that you already have, to make it through. As a licensed counselor and coach, if I could give you one homework assignment that would be due when we meet for our next session, I would recommend that for at least an hour each day, do something that makes you LAUGH. Spend some quality time with the people that you truly LOVE. You can determine that by thinking, if you weren’t here tomorrow, and they weren’t here tomorrow, what might your life be like? Our tomorrows aren’t promised, so spend the time that you can with them today, and even if you can’t spend the time with them one on one, get on the phone and tell them, I LOVE YOU. Remember Stevie Wonder’s song, “I just called to say…. I love you. I just called to say how much I care, I do. I just called, to say I love you, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart?” (Sorry I got carried away). Texting is ok, but not as personal. There’s nothing like someone hearing your voice and hearing you say those words. Even

if he or she does not say them back, guess what? You’ve done your part. Live with no regrets. I know that I talk about being confined a lot, but that has been my reality for quite some time. There is nothing like having your freedom. In my case, being free from that hospital room is something to be grateful for. Yes, be thankful that you can see the sun, the rain, the moon, and the stars coming through those windows, but it also helps to get out of that room (if you can, when you can) and experience the beauty of nature. There’s nothing like it. When you have been confined for so long, you learn to appreciate the little things. Hearing the birds sing, feeling the cold grass on your feet, feeling the wind blow, taking a deep breath-these little things that we so often take for granted turn into big things when you don’t have access to them anymore. So, enjoy the little things. It doesn’t cost a thing to walk outside and enjoy the beauty of nature. It doesn’t take anything to enjoy the beauty that is in front of you right now. You may have others there with you; there’s something about them that makes them special, unique, and beautiful in their own way. They may not know it, and you might just realize it. But the most beautiful thing in the place that you are right now is YOU. You are beautiful, no matter what anyone else has told you, no matter what scars (physical or emotional) you have, no matter what you see when you look in the mirror, always remember YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and never let anyone tell you different. God made man in his own image, He made YOU in perfection. Embrace your beauty. Appreciate the little things. No one is perfect, but you are perfect in His sight. It is a terrible feeling when someone brings you down, and it’s usually meant to hurt you - don’t accept it. It is terrible when others do this to you, but it is an even more disheartening thing when you do it to yourself--change your thoughts--I am BEAUTIFUL, no matter what I’m going through. Change your words--I am a GIFT to others. Change your life--once you start thinking that you are valuable, others will see you as valuable as well. There are no

mistakes; you are still here for a reason, and there is still time for you to HEAL. Remember that Hurt is a HORRIBLE UNFAIR REALITY that is only TEMPORARY!

The Fifth Healing Habit: Inspiration and Inner Voice “Find Inspiration and Meaning in Life (you don’t have to look very far). Find your peace. Find your calm. (It is often right there where you are).” - Ronica Arnold Branson, Ph.D

I - Inspiration and Inner Voice - Listen to the Inner Voice and Find Inspiration No matter what you’ve been through, what you’re going through, or what you are about to go through, know that you have the power within YOU to make it through. We often look to others for love, acceptance, approval and even healing. It is great when you know you have this type of support from others who freely give you these things. But it is important to remember that we can offer all of these things and more to ourselves. As we have learned, as a result of life’s disappointments and hurts, people can often let us down. When they do, it can cause us to hurt and sometimes even cause additional pain when you are already experiencing pain. What you must remember is that you can’t force people to change. There is nothing that you can possibly do to make anyone love you, accept you, or approve of YOU. You have no control over anyone but you. Therefore, it is vital that you can find inspiration and meaning in life within yourself. You have been equipped with everything that you need to make it through the challenge and help yourself to heal. Ask yourself the question, “What is it that motivates

you? Why do you keep going despite the pain? What is that thing that gives you the expectation that there is hope in each new day?” Just as you can’t force anyone to love you, support you, or accept you, no one else can place this internal drive and motivation WITHIN YOU; there has to be a drive or personal motivation within you to do it for yourself. More than likely, you are reading this book because you are interested in healing your hurt. No one is reading this book for you; you are reading it for yourself; you made the choice. There is something instinctively driven within you to want a better life, to move from the hurt to the healing. The world is full of constant chaos. We hear the “noise” from all angles. We can’t live by constantly moving. We have to take time to get rest. We are not the energizer bunny who keeps going and going and going. If we do this, or attempt to do it, what will happen? At some point, we’re going to crash. We must take time to rest, we must take time for peace and quiet, calmness and serenity, and we can only do this when we take the time out for ourselves and listen to that inner voice. My life was so busy looking out for others, trying to prove myself worthy, and caught up with the rat race, that I didn’t take the time to listen to my inner voice. When we don’t take the time for ourselves or MAKE the time for ourselves, it will catch up with us sooner or later. I had to learn the hard way. The signals are usually there; we just refuse to listen. What has been placed on your heart today? What do you think is your divine purpose for being? Is it just to be? I don’t think so. There is a greater purpose. There is a reason you are STILL here. What is it that brings you joy, satisfaction or peace of mind? These are the things that motivate you. These are the things that keep you going despite the hurt. These are the things that give meaning to your life. You can look to others, but the greatest joy comes when you can find it within yourself. You are the motivation. YOU are the INSPIRATION.

he Sixth Healing Habit:

Nurture Yourself “Shake your groove thang. Find Safe Escapes. Find some “YOU Time.” Soulful Self-Care for your Mind, Body, and Spirit” - Ronica Arnold Branson, Ph.D

N - Nurture yourself to New Beginnings When we are hurting, sometimes we tend to lose sight of the most important thing--OURSELVES. Yes we hurt, it is a reality, at least a temporary reality, but we can’t neglect the most important thing to us. Hurt is very painful, but in order to heal and move on to a better life, we must remember that our bodies need care, love and nourishment to survive. Wellness is a state of being. Because no one can predict what tomorrow may bring, we must love others and ourselves as if it is our last day. How can you say you love someone else, when you first have problems loving yourself. Love your body; it is the only one you have. Suppose someone gave you a piece of jewelry and told you that it was worth a great sum of money and asked you to care for it and guard it with your life. This person promises that you will get paid half of the value of the $1,000,000,000 piece if you can keep it safely, in your possession until his return. He promises that upon arrival, you will be paid in full for this one of a kind piece that is one of the most valuable pieces on earth. What would you do? Would you guard it with your life? Would you take care of it and polish it so that it could retain its shine and shimmer? Would you put it in a safe place where thieves could not find it? The majority of us probably would care for that piece of jewelry as if our life depended on it. Well, guess what? YOU are that priceless piece of jewelry that no amount of money could ever pay for. Jesus sacrificed his life so that we could live. In fact, he sacrificed a lot of things so that we can have a new chance at life everyday.

Your body is a temple, and no matter what you are going through, it must be cared for. Your mind, body, and spirit need to be nourished. Hurt may bring forth the emotions of sadness, anger, and depression, but you must continue to keep in mind that ‘it is what it is’. Iyanla says: “Call a thing a thing.” Hurt is a Horrible Unfair Reality that is only Temporary. No matter how much she hurt you, no matter what the medical report says, no matter if you feel lonely and don’t think you have the courage today to make it til tomorrow, you still have to keep running the race. During times of hurt, many people decide to let themselves go. The mind becomes depressed and tells the body that it doesn’t matter, you are unimportant; there is no reason to go on. As a result, all faculties end up suffering and get neglected. But you must remember that this hurt thing is only temporary. But most importantly, you must remember that you matter. So what happens when the healing comes? Will you be healthy, mentally balanced, and connected to the source? Or will you appear worse than you were before the hurt happened? It is not easy, but you must stay strong. Have you ever seen a person who appears to have given up on life? How can you tell? On the other hand, have you seen someone who has been through more challenging times than most and may have every reason to give up, but she keeps it together, knowing that this will only endure for a short time. What is the difference between these two individuals? Is it their attitude? Is it their gratitude? Could it be that one of these persons has already mastered the healthy habits that lead to healing? Your outside appearance is often a reflection of your internal feelings. What are you portraying every day? Does everyone you come in contact with know that you are hurting? Or can people see in your eyes that even though this might be a rough time, you are destined to heal. During your transition from hurting to healing, you need to care for your mind, body and spirit through eating healthy foods, keeping your body clean, appreciating the things that you do have. It can be helpful to read, meditate, and take on a new practice such as yoga. Adopt a healthier lifestyle and leave all the fast food

alone, at least for a while. Practice being in communion with your higher power and practice listening, really listening to that inner voice. Ignoring that inner voice may be one of the reasons that you are hurting now. There are no mistakes. You are still here for a reason. Your life is a gift and it would be wise to accept it as such. Accept your blessing, your life, receive the air that you are able to breathe, and continually nourish your body and soul with healthy and positive substances so that it can become that pillar of strength.

The Seventh and Eighth Healing Habits: Getting Involved and Giving Back “Involvement - Getting involved in something positive will help put your mind on other things.” - Ronica Arnold Branson, Ph.D “When you’ve been blessed…pass it on...pass it on.” - Patti Labelle

G - Get involved You got to MOVE IT MOVE IT Get Involved in Something Bigger than Yourself & Give Back It has been proven that there are many health benefits of volunteerism and exercise - that’s right, move it move it. Get off your butt (if you can) and do it. Do something that will make a difference in someone else’s life. Do something that will help you get your mind off of your own situation and on to someone else’s. Remember that I stated earlier that you are not alone in this hurt thing; there is

someone else out there hurting as well. So, how can you get involved, how can you help? There are many things that you can do to help in your healing, while helping to heal others in the process. When you get involved, you are more likely to take your mind off your own problems, at least for a while, and put your mind on other things. You are less likely to focus on your own hurt when you’re helping others to heal. One example of something you can do is, Volunteer. What about spending some time with kids and women who have been hurt by volunteering at a local battered women and children’s shelter? Get involved again in the things that you enjoy, your hobbies, writing, singing, joining the church choir, reading, charitable organizations. What about your family? When was the last time you had a family night together? Even if you don’t have a family, you deserve to watch a good movie and eat popcorn. What are those things that you enjoy doing that you don’t do anymore? Remember those times. Re-kindle those sparks. Each day that you are alive is a new day to do something different. See the world differently. Take time out from the hurt. If you’re like me, you have a lot of things that need to be done, but you just don’t feel like doing them, at least not alone. Have a few friends come over and help you clean out your closet and donate the clothes to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. Share your talents. Can you play the piano, sing, play an instrument, someone at a nursing home would love to have you come in and spread a little joy. Do you know how to make quilts? Pass the gift on to someone in a younger generation. If you have someone who will listen, share your life story. Write your life story. You would be amazed how much your message could touch someone else’s life; if only one person, you still have succeeded in making the world a better place. Get the hurt out. Become involved in causes that will get your message out, so hurt won’t happen to another person. This is how MADD (Mother’s Against Drunk Drivers) got started. One woman wanted to remember the life of her child who was killed by a drunk driver; she didn’t want her child’s death to be in vain. She soon

realized she was not alone; it touched so many others, touched other mothers that were hurting. This movement in memory of one person’s hurt led to a national organization. If you’re a diabetic, volunteer or give to the Juvenile Diabetes foundation. Can you imagine what it must be like for a child to live with this illness? Give to the American Cancer Society, get involved in fundraisers and walk/runs. What about the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America? Why not start your own organization? When you open your heart, when you begin to give of yourself, your time, your talents, you begin to help your own healing. If you are a teacher or children’s therapist, have your children or clients write Get-Well letters or make happies for kids confined to the children’s wing of a nearby hospital or an orphanage in another country. If your son or daughter has died, donate their clothes and toys to other children who can use them. The pain will come and go, and you will have the memories of sadness, happiness, and hurt when you are cleaning out their room, but always remember to keep the good memories. No one can take them away. Donate your favorite coat to a homeless person and see how good that would make you feel. You can’t worry about what they do with it once you’ve given it, but it was the thought that you sacrificed one of your favorite things to help another human being. I am writing this chapter during Easter weekend, and I am sitting here reflecting that there is no greater gift than that of the One who gave His only begotten Son and sacrificed His life so that we could live, despite our wrongdoing, despite our sin, despite our hurt. God gave us that second chance. In order to heal, we must allow ourselves to heal and give others and ourselves that second chance as well. Think past the past and think ahead to the positive future that is in store for you.

The Ninth Healing Habit: Gratitude

G -Have GRATITUDE. When you give thanks for the little things, you will be blessed with the bigger things. What do we know about gratitude? How do some of the happiest, most successful people see the importance of gratitude? The BIGGEST and HEALTHIEST HABIT that you could ever express, practice and commit to is GRATITUDE. A simple THANK YOU can make a world of difference. When you give thanks for the little things, you will be blessed with bigger things. Take the time to try it right now, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whomever you’re around. Say “Thank You” or--I often don’t say it enough--but “I appreciate you.” That simple thanks can turn someone’s frown into a smile; it can turn a disagreement into a peaceful conversation. Appreciation and gratitude go a long way. It has been said that the most successful people take time out each day to practice gratitude and give thanks for what they have. Yes, it is very easy to complain about what is going wrong in our lives. Hurt is an emotion that often leads us to focus on the not-so-positive things in life. We talk about it, talk about the pain, talk about the unfairness, and talk about how terrible it is. Yes, sometimes it is ok to get it out. Get all of it out, but don’t focus on the negative each and every day of your life. Have you ever been around people who constantly complain? Nothing is ever right for them. They complain about their husband, they complain about their wife, they complain about their job, they complain about the weather. It’s something all the time. Every time you are around them, they drain the energy out of you, and if you stay around them long enough, it starts to wear off on you. You start to become trapped into their circle of ungratefulness, and begin to focus more on what is going wrong in your life. This negative talk is beneficial to noone, and it does not make the situation any better. You give in and fuel their fire; their negativity projects onto you, and you end up feeling worse than you were before you began to interact with such people.

In order to heal, we must practice gratitude and stay away from those who do not see the blessings all around them. The problem is that often, these downers are the people who are closest to us, our family, our friends, colleagues, even leaders. There is this phrase, “When you can’t beat em, join em.” In this case, you shouldn’t take that advice. If you can’t escape the wrath, try to bring an attitude of gratitude into their situation. When they make a negative statement, you make two positive statements back. For example, they might say, “I am so tired of this rain. It ruined my day. I never get a chance to do what I planned because of this unpredictable weather.” Your response could be, “Yes, maybe it is raining, but it is still a great day to be alive.” Think about it, if we didn’t have the rain, we wouldn’t have the beautiful flowers, produce, or appreciation for the sunny days. No, no one can predict the weather, but your day doesn’t have to be ruined. Think about some things you can do inside that would bring sunshine to your day, and if you like, go outside and feel the coolness of the rain. Be thankful for the rain although you may see it as an inconvenience to you right now; there are so many benefits that the rain brings to our circle of life.” Sound too cheesy? Well, you get my drift. When they try to rain on your parade, bring sunshine to theirs. We also must remember that some people have just complained for so long that they have become conditioned to see the negative in everything. They complain so much; they don’t even know they are complaining. Just like it takes someone a while to develop a habit, it may take a little while for them to break that habit. But nothing is impossible. If you are the culprit, this is a new day. Yesterday is gone, and today is a gift. It may take a little time to turn your rainy days into brighter days, but just keep working on it. The more you work on being positive and practicing gratitude, the more at peace you will be. Remember, that’s what this is all about--greater peace, more resiliency and faster healing. Practicing gratitude can help heal you from any situation. It can also give you a different outlook on life. No matter how your situation looks right now, it could always be worse. So why not practice giving

thanks for the things that you do have. You may be saying, “No, it can’t get any worse than this,” but I would beg to differ with you. If you are able to read this book or listen to it, think of the mental capabilities you do have; that is something to be thankful for. You are intelligent enough to read, have the eyesight to see the words on the pages, or blessed enough to have the ears to hear; that is something to be thankful for. Not everyone can read, not everyone can comprehend this message intelligently, not everyone has the capacity to hear the beautiful sounds of nature, the beautiful words I LOVE YOU, or hear a baby cry for the first time; that is something to be thankful for. Take a moment and think about your situation: What is it that you have to be thankful for right now? As a result of reading this book or going to my website, you may know some of the challenges that I have faced in life. In my own life, I couldn’t have made it through my difficult times without at least trying to recognize the “lesson” in these situations. I’ll share an example of practicing gratitude while being sick. During the time I was waiting to receive my liver and kidney, I was very sick. Many days I didn’t have the energy to walk from my hospital bed to the bathroom. The pain at times was unbearable, and many days I was not able to eat, and on those days when I could, I couldn’t keep the food down. It wasn’t a very happy situation to be in; many would have given in to depression or giving up. It is very hard to be alive when your body is slowly dying, so I do understand. One of the greatest healing helpers that helped me during my lowest moments was giving thanks. I gave thanks because I had a mother who stayed by my side. When I got up and couldn’t make it to the bathroom, she was there to catch me before I hit the floor. My immediate family never left me alone in the hospital for one day, I was very lucky. I had family members to send me encouraging cards and messages, and flowers to brighten my day. I had a sister and best friends to bring me “Happy” pajamas, inspirational cards, brownies, cakes and junk food that I didn’t need, but did it just because. And even though I was weak, I still could listen to music that lifted my spirit, read words that gave me inspiration not to give

up. Even during the time when I was attached to all types of machines, I was grateful that it wasn’t worse because I knew what worse was. I recognized every day that there were some people in that very same place that didn’t make it through. Someone in the very same hospital on the same floor didn’t have the opportunity to wake up another day. Some didn’t have warriors that stayed in their corner to let them know that they had something to live for. Some didn’t have caring nurses and doctors that stepped in ‘Right On Time’ to give life-saving medical treatment. I was thankful, and still am, for every day. It was not easy, still isn’t. I had good days and must confess there were many bad days. I must be truthful with you; I had some very bad days, and honestly I still do. Times I didn’t feel like eating, times that I didn’t feel like taking the meds, times when I didn’t feel like talking to the doctors or even my loved ones, times that I didn’t feel like smiling. There were days in the hospital that I knew it could be my last day, but believe it or not, while in that hospital, when I was being taken in and out of my room, up and down the halls of the hospital to go have procedures or tests done, I saw others who appeared to be in a worse physical condition than me. I saw people that seemed to have lost hope. You’re able to see these things more easily when you have been there yourself. I knew from the things I saw that I was one of the lucky ones. I was thankful that I had people that I didn’t even know that well to pray for me, send happies to brighten my day, and send their love from miles away. Yes, I was tired; yes, at times I did get depressed. But I couldn’t let myself stay there. I knew in order to make it; I had to fight this thing. Fight it with all I had left. I didn’t have much physical energy, but when you are at your lowest point, God will give you just what you need in order to make it through. There is a saying that, “He won’t put more on you than you can bear.” During that time, truthfully, I didn’t think that I could bear too much more. But day by day, hour by hour, taking one step at a time, I received what I needed to make it through. I remember it so clearly, on the day that I received the call that I had a donor, I remember the sun shining through my window. It was

not an ordinary ray of sun, and honestly I don’t remember ever feeling that feeling before or after that day or even seeing the sun in that light. It was like a special light shining in on me just for me. It gave me a peace, calmness, and reassurance that everything was going to be ok, no matter what the outcome was. The sun was beaming on my face when I woke up, and I instantly gave thanks for that beautiful day, the beautiful sun. It had a shine so bright, it was almost blinding. After a while of basking in the sun’s beauty, I received the call, the call that would change my life, the call that gave me a new chance at life. I believe in signs, and that day the beautiful bright yellow sun was my sign that this was the start of a new day, a new life, a new beginning for me. The sun was also a sign of the heavens opening up for my beautiful angel that ascended into heaven. On that day, gratitude was what I woke up with and gratitude is what took me through. The days and months after were not easy, but I continued to practice gratitude. I believe, NO... I KNOW, that practicing gratitude helped me heal and got me to the point where I am today. Still healing, but certainly not in the place I was then. I am thankful when I can wake up with no pain. I am thankful that I now have the strength to walk to the bathroom on my own. I’m thankful that I can eat the things I like and keep my food down without having a feeding tube. I’m thankful that I can say “I love you” to my friends and family without having all of those tubes attached to me and getting out of breath. I am thankful that my eyes are no longer as yellow as the sun. So much to be thankful for, and why not get specific? I thank you liver, for filtering the blood to all the right places and detoxifying me so that I can remain healthy… I thank you kidneys, for removing wastes from my body… I thank you stomach, for helping with the digestion of my food… I thank you eyes, for allowing me to see… I thank you mouth, for giving me the ability to speak and express gratitude. I thank you HEART, for beating the blood through my body so that I can love another day. I thank you, my donor families. They suffered a loss, but in turn gave me life.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t remember them in my thoughts and prayers. Can you share a story of gratitude? What are you thankful for today? No matter where you are, no matter what you are going through, focusing on the things that you do have will always help you keep a positive outlook. Practicing gratitude can bring light to a dim situation. We can always focus on what we don’t have, but let’s try something new and focus on the things that we do have. There is a song that goes, “I once complained that I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet to use.” Give thanks for the little things; if you don’t realize it yet, they are the Really BIG Things. Having courage to move from the hurt to healing is not easy. Believe me, I know. Courage takes unfathomable strength and willpower to make it through. The stories of these Supermen and Wonder Women that I have shared with you have an inner drive and motivation that keeps them going. How are you any different? You have the same flame inside of you; sometimes we just have to dig a little deeper and change our mindset. As one spiritual leader says, “From Victim to Victor” which leads you to a Victory that you could never imagine. I’ve been told that my will to live and endurance takes a special kind of courage, as well. As for me, YES I do have a strong will to live. I feel that I have a reason for being and my mission is still not completed. That’s why I haven’t thrown in the towel and given up. That’s why you’re reading this book; YOU haven’t thrown in the towel yet, either. You may be hurting, but you know that there is something that is bigger than you that is keeping you here. The thought of even wanting to take the steps to heal reveals that you are not going to let the pain, the loss, the grief, the hurt get you down. You want to step into the bigger realm of things and, believe me, you will. You already have everything you need inside of you. You’ve already taken the first step. You realize that you can’t guard yourself from the hurt, but you do have a choice in how you respond to it. You fight back. You don’t let it take you down; YOU take IT down and turn it into a lesson learned, a life lesson that has made you stronger, a life experience that will not only bring you healing but

will be an experience that you can share with others and help them to heal. This journey, this experience, this healing is greater than you and me.

Additional Healing Helpers for Ongoing Healing “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” - Dalai Lama As you go through your busy days and encounter all kinds of situations and challenges, here are a few brief thoughts to help keep your outlook positive and your feelings and actions going in the right direction. Taking a minute to remember one of these concepts may turn your negative thoughts around and give you the encouragement you need. 1. Do NO Harm to yourself or others. Don’t hurt others just because they hurt you or because you are hurting; this will not solve the problem. Forgiveness is the answer. Hurt people, hurt people. Looking at the bigger picture, when a person is happy, they don’t have the time or energy to hurt others. Remember that not everyone is out to hurt you. There are still good people in the world, even though you ran into a few rotten eggs. There are still very good people out there. 2. Ask. We have not because we ask not. Ask for help, ask for guidance, whether it’s through prayer or the help of others. Allow people to give to you. When you do that, it helps both of you. Not only do you receive something you need, but the giver enjoys the spiritual and psychological fulfillment of helping. 3. Take care of yourself. Self-care is often the last thing we think about, but it is necessary and so important. How can you be your best or do your best when you are so exhausted you have nothing left to give? Stop for a minute, push pause, and take the time to eat well, go for a walk, take a nap, or whatever works for you. You’ll get great benefits from it, and yes, you CAN!

4. Having a little Courage will take you a long way. Have you ever seen individuals who are differently abled, yet still have a smile on their face? Individuals who may rely on wheelchairs for assistance, individuals who are amputees, but still find a way to win an Olympic gold medal and make their dreams happen? Individuals like Robin Roberts and Stuart Scott who keep fighting until the end. They may be at the hospital in the morning to take chemotherapy treatments, but they are back at work or in the gym the same day. These are those Extraordinary people. These are people just like you and me. 5. Life goes on, it has to. Before taking drastic measures, remember that it can get better. The great majority of things work out, and usually better than we fear they will. That’s a fact and a great thing to keep in mind. 6. It’s normal to have a setback, but don’t stay there (As TD Jakes or Joel Osteen said, “A setback is only getting you ready for a comeback”. Take a minute to think about things that have happened in your life that made you think, “I’ll never get over this. It’s too much.” Most of us have probably thought about that at least once or twice. What happened? It worked out, didn’t it? At least you got through it. And, be honest, sometimes it was a blessing in disguise. 7. Remember that you are not in this alone. From your next-door neighbor to a grief counseling group on the internet, there are people who care. Your friends may be half-way around the world, but you can email them in less than a minute. There’s never been a time when we had so many ways to connect with people…but you still have to make the choice to do it. 8. Healing is a process. No one gets to have a life without challenges, unhappiness, or setbacks. How we handle them is the key. Healing from a hurt can be challenging, but luckily we have options to deal with that hurt. We can choose to focus on the idea that the hurt is temporary and that healing will come. Believing this is the first step toward healing.

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” - Aristotle Onassis 9. It’s ok to have a bad day, just don’t stay in the funk. We are human, and as hard as we might try, our emotions can get the best of us, at least temporarily. That’s the time to muster your resources. What do you have in your toolbox to help you get out of that funk? It could be any number of things. We’re all different. Friends? A great lunch? A shopping spree? Prayer? Know what it is before the bad mood strikes, and pull that handy tool out. 10. Life Happens. As Forest Gump famously said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, You never know what you’re going to get.” What we know for sure is that you can resist change, but you can’t stop it. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second change takes place. On the outside, we see the seasons change - the beautiful bright colors of spring change into the rustic colors of the fall. On the inside we are aware of our on biological changes - our joints begin to remind us when we need to sit down and rest. Youthful faces do not stay youthful, but change into graceful lines that should also represent our wisdom. We can look at the windows and see the cars passing as quickly as the years. We watch our babies turn into terrible twos, tweens, move into the adolescent years and then into grown-ups. We have no power over these changes that represent the natural course of life. If we are lucky, we will move from innocent children into responsible adults and if lucky, we are blessed to grow older gracefully into our senior years. For the most part, if in a democratic society, we have the right to choose our occupation, education, and what type of lifestyle we live. We can work hard and stay on the course, or we can do the minimal, and let others decide our fate. No matter where you are, things are constantly changing. While there are some things that are within your control--ordering what you want at your favorite restaurant, deciding what movie you are going

to watch tonight, or even a harder decision such as deciding whether or not you will choose chemotherapy or radiation therapy, which can be heavily influenced by the recommendations of others such as medical professionals and your family, ultimately you will make the decision. On the other hand, there are some things that you have no control over. The weather station can warn you of a developing storm system or tornado, and you can choose to stay in your home when you have been advised to leave, or you can pack yourself and loved ones and safely and evacuate, but the bottom line is you have no control over when, where, or how the storm will strike and how much damage it will cause. You have no control over being diagnosed with a terminal illness because some things can be based on genetics, exposure to unknown harsh chemicals, or basically just fate. What I would like to get across is what all of us know - LIFE HAPPENS. Some things we can control, some things we can’t; we take what we have and work with it. The truth is you have more power in you than you could ever imagine. Yes, you will hurt, everyday is not promised to be a good day, but you can choose to make it the best it can be. Life Happens, Live It! Tomorrow will be another day, take pleasure in the things that you have today, even though they might not be happening the way you want them to happen. When you’ve done all you could do, fought with all of your fight, and you don’t know what step to take next, surrender trying to fix it yourself. It will work out. 11. Surrender (There are some things you just can’t control) As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend, I brought my broken dreams to God because he was my friend. But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone, I hung around and tried to help, with ways that were my own. At last I snatched them back and said, “How could you be so slow?”

“My child” he said, “what could I do? You never did let go.” - Author unknown Sometimes in order to heal, you must be willing to surrender. Surrender control, surrender what is not working, be willing to accept that which is true or real. You cannot have control over every situation. Keep living long enough, and you will understand this concept. Let go. Your story is not mine, and mine is not yours, but what I do know is that we know how pain feels, and as a result of that pain, we want comfort and/or relief from the pain, and we are willing to get it by any means necessary. The hardest thing to do while hurting is to try to find our own personal remedies. We work it out the way that we know how, but sometimes we end up hurting ourselves even more. It is only normal human nature to want relief as soon as possible, but unfortunately healing is a process, and it usually does not happen overnight. This process not only involves my nine healthy habits, but it also a process of self-awareness, selflove, letting go of the blame, letting go of your control and just Letting Go. 12. Never give up. As Thomas Edison said, “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to always to try just one more time.” There’s a certain wisdom in recognizing when you are involved in something that is completely wrong for you and will never work out. Most things aren’t like that. Often, we simply quit too soon.

Conclusion Here’s a shortcut to help you remember my message: HURT is REAL, but YOU CAN HEAL From Hurt H - Horrible U - Unfair R - Reality T - (That is) Temporary To Healing H - Have Faith E - Enjoy Life A - Appreciate/A Support System L - Learn the Lesson and Live, Laugh & Love I - Intuition is there for a reason / Listen to Your Inner Voice N - Nurture Yourself for New Beginnings G - Give Back and Practice Gratitude Finally, I will leave you with another one of my favorite quotes. Some say it was written by Mother Teresa, others say it was only a message that hung on her walls. Others say the credit should be given to Dr. Kent M. Keith. Regardless of who the credit goes to, it is most important to understand the message:

ANYWAY People are often unreasonable and self-centered.

FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. BE KIND ANYWAY. If you are honest, people may cheat you. BE HONEST ANYWAY. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. BE HAPPY ANYWAY. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. DO GOOD ANYWAY. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. GIVE YOUR BEST ANYWAY. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. IT NEVER WAS BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY. -Mother Teresa (Revised version of The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith)

My wish for all of you is that you will learn from this experience. We all hurt; we all express it differently, but know that you are not alone. Expect greater things. Tomorrow will be a better day. No matter what it may look like, you are still here for a reason. If you haven’t heard these three words lately, please hear them now.

YOU ARE LOVED. I send my love and blessings for brighter days to you all.

Resources: www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/145 www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports www.cdc.gov/drugoverdose www.mayoclinic.org