Emotional Intelligence Mastery Bible: 11 Books in 1: Overthinking, Change Your Brain, Declutter Your Mind, Master Your Emotions, Manipulation and Dark ... How to Analyze People, Dark NLP, Dark

Table of contents :
Dark Psychology Secrets & Persuasion
Introduction
Chapter 1: Dark Psychology Secrets
Chapter 2: Techniques Used In Dark Psychology
How Is Dark Psychology Used?
Persuasion
Manipulation
Deception
Hypnosis
Brainwashing and Other Conditioning Techniques
Gaslighting
General Application of Dark Psychology
Chapter 3: Dark Persuasion & Manipulation
Difference between Persuasion and Manipulation
Emotional Manipulation Tactics
Dark Persuasion Tactics
Chapter 4: Deception
Lies!
When Do Lies Become Deception?
How Lies Apply In Real Life
Famous Instances of Deception
The Art of Crafting a Good Lie
Pants on Fire
Chapter 5: Mind Control
The History of Mind Control and Its Effects Today
What are the Signs of Mind Control?
Isolation
Mood Swings and Erratic Behavior
No Compromises
Who Uses Mind Control? Organizations, High Control Groups, and People We Know and Encounter in Everyday Life
Chapter 6: Body Language
How to "Read" Someone
Compare: How Does This Person Act Normally?
Concerning the hands: Gestures made with the palms down indicate power and the opposite is submission.
Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication
Tips to Improve Your Non-Verbal Communication
Who Are the Best Non-Verbal Communicators?
The 7 Channels of Body Language
Chapter 7: NLP
How NLP Works
The Importance of NLP
Chapter 8: Brainwashing
The Dark psychology of brainwashing
The conscious level
The Unconscious or behavioral psychology
Biological psychology
Chapter 9: Mind Games
Activity
Chapter 10: Hypnotism
Induction:
Suggestion:
Susceptibility:
Applications of Hypnosis
Chapter 11: Dark Seduction
Seduction is to convince, or rather to corrupt someone to do something one desires.
Seduction and the commonly referred to as the Art of Seduction by some scholars is loaded with ambiguities and obvious negations
Factors to Be Considered While Seducing
Independence
Switch the Phone Off
Spontaneous
Sense of Humor
Seducing a Man
Posture
Chapter 12: The Dark Psychology Triad
Introduction to the infamous dark triad
Machiavellian Philosophy
Narcissism
Narcissist Types:
Understanding Psychopaths
Conclusion
Manipulation And Dark Psychology
Introduction
Chapter 13: What Is Manipulation in Dark Psychology?
Persuasion
Manipulation
Consider this situation.
Emotional Manipulation Techniques
The Bait and Switch
The Blame Game
Guilt
The White Knight
The dark triad
Narcissism
Machiavellianism
Psychopathy
Chapter 14: What Is Covert Emotional Manipulation?
Situation and Manipulations
Some Common Covert Manipulation Methods
Reinforcement: A CEM Stacked Sequence
Reality Denial
Chapter 15: What Is Dark Persuasion?
Dark Persuasion Techniques
Create a Need
Appealing to Social Needs
Making Use of Loaded Words and Images
Chapter 16: Character Traits of the Manipulator
Why do People Manipulate?
Different types of Negative Manipulation:
How to avoid being Negatively Manipulated by Others:
How to Confront a Bully in a Safe Way:
A Guide to Positive Manipulation (Persuasion)
What makes Positive Manipulation Ethical?
Chapter 17: Characteristics of Manipulative People
The Qualities of a Manipulative Person
The Behaviors of Manipulative People
Reinforcing
Rationalizing
Punishing
Minimizing
Explosiveness
Diverting Issues
Lying
Intimidation
Lying by Omission
Denial
Playing the victim
Examples of Manipulation
Advertisement
At Work
In Relationships
Cults
Chapter 18: The 4 Dark Psychology Traits
The Long Con
Gradualist
Chapter 19: Psychological Manipulation Techniques
Gaslighting
Projection
Isolation
Positive Reinforcement
Negative Reinforcement
Punishment
Nagging
Yelling
Silent treatment
Chapter 20: Types of Emotional Manipulation
What is Emotional Manipulation?
Types of Emotional Manipulation
Characteristics of a Manipulative Relationship
Specific Types of Emotional Manipulation
Chapter 21: Persuasion with NLP Method
Models of neuro-linguistic programming
Strategies
Memory
Belief
Motivation
Decision
Learning
Sub modalities
Anchoring
Visual anchors
Auditory anchors
Kinesthetic anchors
Trans-derivational search
Leading statements
Textual ambiguity
Chapter 22: The Mind Control
Brainwashing
Who uses mind control
Media Producers
Lovers
Sales people
Writers
In Education
Advertising and Propaganda
Sports, Politics, Religion
Chapter 23: Persuasion with Brainwashing
The Fundamentals of Brainwashing
Cults and Brainwashing
Chapter 24: How to Protect Yourself
Causes of Manipulation
Dealing with Manipulators
Basic Fundamental Rights
Maintain Some Distance
No Personalization
Chapter 25: Behavioral Traits of Favorite Victims of Manipulators
Emotional insecurity and fragility
Sensitive people
Emphatic people
Fear of loneliness
Fear of disappointing others
Conclusion
How to Analyze People
Introduction
Chapter 26: Understanding Human Behavior
Use of Language
Interpretation of Non-Verbal Cues
Facial Expression
Frown Lines
Clenched Teeth
Body language
Body Posture
Proximity
Chapter 27: The Dark Side
1. Machiavellianism
2. Narcissism
3. Psychopathy
1. True Sociopaths
2. True Narcissists
3. Selfish People
4. Politicians
5. Lawyers
6. Salespeople
7. Leaders
8. Public Speakers
1. Hiding intentions
2. Attention Seeking
3. Giving Off Unnecessary Emotions
4. Crying Foul and Playing the Victim
5. Claiming Undue Credit
Chapter 28: Why Analyze People
Studying yourself
Importance of Understanding People
Advantages of Analyzing People
Chapter 29: Becoming an Analyst
Free Your Judgment
Don’t Just Base it Off of Behavior
Create a Baseline
Infer Things from the Initial Reaction
Ask Pointed Questions
Chapter 30: Detecting Lies
How to Determine if Someone Is Lying
Why Lying Is Difficult
How to Detect Deception
Study the Body Language
Chapter 31: Danger Signals
Game Theory
There Are More Envious People
Recognizing and Interacting with Each Type of Personality
Chapter 32: Detecting Specific Personality
Introversion versus Extroversion
Sensing Versus Intuition
Thinking versus Feeling
Judging Versus Perceiving
Chapter 33: Interpreting Verbal Communications
Pretext Communication
Contextual communication
Sub-textual Communication
Inter-textual Communication
Types of Communication Barriers
Chapter 34: How to Understand Personality Types
Openness to Experience
Agreeableness
Conscientiousness
Extroversion
Chapter 35: Important Of Understanding Personality Types
Change in Self-Perception
Lack of Empathy for another Person
Depression
Chapter 36: Mastering the Secrets of Nonverbal
Defensive Arms Display
Self-Hug
The Territorial Arm Displays
How to Spot Insecurity in the Rich and Famous
Chapter 37: Our Bodies and the Way They Talk
Crossed Limbs
Feet Turned Away
Chapter 38: Verbal Vs. Nonverbal
Communication
The sender
The message
Encoding the message
Channeling the message
The receiver
Decoding the message
Feedback
Noise
Verbal Communication
Nonverbal Communication
Chapter 39: Truth and Relationships
The Behavioral Delay or Pause
The Verbal or non-verbal disconnect
Hiding the Eyes or the Mouth
Swallowing or Throat Clearing
The Hand-to-Face Actions
Chapter 40: Vulnerability Cues
The Flinch or Wince
They Back Away From You
Their Words and Gestures Get Faster
Their Laughter is Nervous
The Tone of Their Voice Changes
They Have Trouble Maintaining Their Eye Contact
The Answers They Give are Only One or Two Words Long
Their Ears Get Red, or They Scratch Their Nose
Conclusion
DARK NLP
Chapter 41: Introduction To NLP Manipulation
The Origins of Dark NLP
A Willingness to Accept
Find Your Reasons
Kill These Illusions
Chapter 42: Mind control with NLP for love and relationships
Choose the Right Person
Send Mixed Signals
Create a Need
False Sense of Security
Make Yourself Desirable
Create Temptation
Utilize Suspense
Be Mysterious
Subtly Make Yourself Stand Out
Utilize Scents
Be Mindful of Your Assets
Confuse Them
Be Bold
Chapter 43: Framing and Some Commonly Used Frames in NLP
What are Frames in Hypnosis?
Four Frames you Can Manipulate
How to Maintain your Frame in Conversational Hypnosis
How to Use Preframing in Conversational Hypnosis
How to Use Reframing in Conversational Hypnosis
How to Use Deframing in Conversational Hypnosis
Chapter 44: NLP applications
It encourages comprehension
Helps you get through the bad habits
How Well Do You Recognize About Your Dark Side
Chapter 45: NLP Exercises
Chapter 46: NLP Presuppositions and Priming
Presuppositions
Priming
What is priming, and how does it work you’re wondering?
Chapter 47: Emotional States and persuasion
The Principle of Reciprocity
The Principle of Liking
The Theory of Authority
The Scarcity Theory
The Principle of Consensus
Persuasion Tips for Daily Use If You’re Trying to Influence People
Tip # 1: Appearing confident
Tip # 2: Be subtle with your approach
Tip # 3: Be creative with your methods
Tip # 4: Timing is all
Tip # 5: Being Interesting is an added advantage
Tip # 6: Listen more than you're talking.
Chapter 48: Take control Of Others
NLP, the mind, and ultimate control
NLP, manipulation, and mind control
Chapter 49: Manipulating the mind Through NLP
Well, but what is manipulation?
Requirements to successfully manipulate
Simon says that the manipulator will require to:
The motivating feature in manipulative interaction
Manipulation as a motivating behavior
Chapter 50: NLP Techniques
What Is Dark NLP?
What You Need to Know
Play on Hope and Fear
Insult Someone Subtly
Influence If Someone Agrees or Disagrees
Create Fake Bonds
Use the Same Sensory Modal System
Match Breathing
Mirroring
Understanding
Confessing
Take Control of Others
Meta Modeling
Chapter 51: The Power of Words — Linguistic Foundations of Manipulation
Spinning ideas
Overselling as a tactic
Oversimplifying
Overt honesty
Define your position as neutral
Intersperse long and short
Intensity and passion
Spill yourself
Play to your strengths
Chapter 52: Re-discovering NLP in Every Day Life
EMPATH
Introduction
Chapter 53: What Is an Empath?
Chapter 54: Types of Empath
Emotional Empath
Physical Empath
Plant Empath
Animal Empath
Environmental Empath
Intuitive Empath
Chapter 55: How Empathy Works?
Chapter 56: How to Embrace Your Gift?
Chapter 57: Empaths and Work
Chapter 58: How to Support A Young Empath?
How to Spot A Young Empath?
Uncover the Real Reasons Behind Temper Tantrums
Create Soothing Environments
Help Them Prepare for The Harsher Realities of Life
Give Them Practical Techniques They Can Use
Teenage Empaths
Chapter 59: Being Empathic Vs Being an Empath
Chapter 60: Being an Empath: Good or Bad
Chapter 61: Empathic Listening Techniques
Eye Contact and Lip Reading
Hearing Their Wants vs. Needs
Chapter 62: Empath Friends and Family
Chapter 63: The Empath in Love & Sex
Empath in Sex
Empath in Love
Chapter 64: The Key to Controlling Empathy
Chapter 65: How to Control Your Emotions?
Chapter 66: Learning How to Set Boundaries
The most effective method to Set Better Boundaries
Chapter 67: The Dark Side of Being an Empath
Chapter 68: Characteristics of An Empath
Range of Indications
Hypothetical Empath
Check the Indications
Chapter 69: Understanding the Empath
Chapter 70: Empaths and Other People
What does it feel like to be an Empath?
Step by step instructions to Handle Other People's Bad Moods like a Pro
Chapter 71: Developing Your Empath Skills
Listening
Empowering a Person While Empowering Yourself
Grounding, Clearing and Realizing
Develop Your Emotions
Overcoming Your Fears
Chapter 72: Empath and Emotional Intelligence
Components of Emotional Intelligence
Importance of Emotional Intelligence
Chapter 73: How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence
Chapter 74: How Empathy Affects Your Daily Life?
Conclusion
EMPATH HEALING
Introduction
Chapter 75: What Is Empath Healing?
Chapter 76: Who Are Empathy Healers?
Realization
Remember feeling refreshed
Make choices
Setting Clear Boundaries
It’s a mind game
Vibrate higher
Reframing
Chapter 77: Story of Empath Healing
Chapter 78: Empath Medicine
Adrenal Gland Fatigue
Recharging Strategies
Sleep –
Sea Salt Bath -
Smoothies -
Chapter 79: Empath Self Care
Chapter 80: Healing Yourself
Chapter 81: Protection Strategies
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 5
Step 6
Step 7
Step 8
Chapter 82: Grounding for Empaths
Grounding Methods for Your Emotions
Chapter 83: How to Protect Personal Energy?
Bad Practices to Give Up
Good Practices to Start
Chapter 84: How to Increase Positive Energy?
Chapter 85: How to Immunize Your Aura from Negative Energies?
Negative Energy and The Aura
How to See Auras
Chapter 86: Understanding Your Empathic Nature
Meaning of Empath
Who Is an Empath?
What is Empathy?
Characteristics of an Empath
Chapter 87: Identify Your Emotions
5 Common Emotions Experienced by Humans
Chapter 88: Appreciate Your Emotions
Chapter 89: Understand the Emotions
Chapter 90: Protecting Yourself from Narcissist
How to protect yourself psychologically from a narcissistic person?
Chapter 91: Empathic Protection
Shielding Visualization
Define and Express Your Relationship Needs
Set Energetic Boundaries at Work and Home
Prevent Empathy Overload
The Jaguar Protection Meditation
Chapter 92: How to Develop the Empath Gift?
Traits of the Empath
Chapter 93: Social Anxiety and Empath
Chapter 94: Empath and Relationship
Managing Your Relationships and Environment as an Empath
Chapter 95: How to Recover and Heal from Narcissistic Abuse?
Recovering from Any Narcissistic Abuse
How to Break Free from Narcissistic Abuse
Chapter 96: Empath and Energy Vampires
Chapter 97: Empath and Spiritual Hypersensitivity
Chapter 98: Empath Healing Methods
Meditation
Laughter
Discovering Your Outlets
Nature
Water
Sea Salt
Chapter 99: Protect Yourself as An Empath
Chapter 100: Empaths and The Spiritual Awakening Process
Chapter 101: Healing the Emotional Realm
How to Start Healing
The Process of Emotional Healing
Tips for Emotional Healing
Chapter 102: The Spiritual Purpose of Empaths
Chapter 103: Strategies to Overcome Fear and Anxiety
Chapter 104: Meditation for Empaths
Chapter 105: How to Become A Healer of Others?
Self-Test for being an Empath:
Chapter 106: Emotional Healing Methods
Meditation
Ceremonial Healing
Energy Shields
Cord Cutting Ceremony
Talk Therapy
Intuitive Counseling
Conclusion
OVERTHINKING
Introduction
Chapter 107: What is Overthinking?
Overthinking Explained
The Reason Behind It
Types of Overthinking
The Causes
The Dangerous Effects of Overthinking
Chapter 108: Signs and Symptoms
How to Identify If You’re an Overthinker
The Relationship Between Overthinking and Anxiety
Overthinking’s Destructive Drawbacks
Chapter 109: Good Habit Formation
Why Good Habits Help
Motivating Yourself to Change Your Habits
Chapter 110: The Extraordinary Power of Mindfulness
What Is Mindfulness Meditation
How to Meditate
Why You Need to Practice Mindfulness
Embracing Mindfulness
Overcome Anxiety with Mindfulness
Mindfulness in Everyday Life
Chapter 111: The Best Kept Secrets to Taming Your Thoughts
The Wandering Mind
Taming Strategy #1: Positive Affirmations
Taming Strategy #2: Listening to Yourself
Taming Strategy #3: Avoid Procrastination
Taming Strategy #4: Get a Hobby
Taming Strategy #5: Be Lovingly Patient with Yourself
Conclusion
CHANGE YOUR BRAIN
Introduction
Chapter 112: Principles to Change Your Brain and Your Life
Is It Possible to Change Your Brain?
How to Change Our Mindset and Ourselves
How to Illuminate Your Mind
Your Choices Change Your Brain
Love, Depression, Anxiety, Fear and the Brain
You Cannot Change What You Do Not Measure
How Positive Thinking Will Change Your Life
How Can I Train My Brain to Be Positive?
Chapter 113: Improving the Brain
Can the Brain Rewire Itself? How Do We Improve Our Brains?
Learning Changes the Brain
6 Ways to Shift Your Mindset and Embrace Change
Chapter 114: 10 Other Things You Can Do to Change Your Brain
1: Believe You Can Change Your Brain
2: Regular Exercise
3: Minimize Caffeine Intake
4: Being One with Nature
5: The Power of Meditation
6: Getting Enough Sleep
7: Regular Reading
8: Music for the Soul
9: Avoid Multitasking
10: A Grateful Heart and Mind
Chapter 115: How Do I Get Smarter?
Keeping Your Brain in Peak Condition
Mental Strategy 1: Read Every Day
Mental Strategy 2: Brain Games
Mental Strategy 3: Get Regular Exercise
Mental Strategy 4: Learning A New Language
Mental Strategy 5: Manage Your Time Wisely
Mental Strategy 6: Review Learned Information
Chapter 116: Breaking Free of Bad Habits
What Are Bad Habits and Why Do They Affect Us?
How Habits Are Formed
Is It Possible to Change These Habits?
Your Habit Replacement Journey
Shift Your Mindset to Break Your Habits
Thought Replacement
Don’t Be Afraid to Talk About It
Conclusion
DECLUTTER YOUR MIND
Introduction
Chapter 117: The Philosophy of Decluttering
Understanding Clutter and Decluttering
How Clutter Affects the Brain
What Decluttering Is NOT
Can Decluttering Change Your Life?
Does Decluttering Help You Become a More Efficient Learner?
How Do You Start Decluttering?
What’s Next?
Chapter 118: Building a Decluttering Mindset
Recognizing Mental Clutter
Why We Live with Cluttered Minds & What Causes It
The Effect of Stress on Your Body
Decluttering Mentally
Focus on Life’s Priorities
Identify Your Core Values
Chapter 119: Decluttering Your Space
Your House Is a Container
Valuing Space Over Stuff
How Do I Make My Home Clutter-Free? Decluttering the Junk in Your House
Decluttering Your Home Office
Changing Your Space to Change Your Mindset
Chapter 120: Decluttering Your Relationships
The Cost of Toxic Relationships
How to Declutter Your Relationships
Decluttering Your Romantic Relationships
How Decluttering Your Home Can Improve Your Relationships
Organizing Your Priorities & Tossing Out Bad Habits
Mindfulness and Being Present with Your Partner
Chapter 121: Decluttering Your Thoughts
Is Information Overload Serious?
Why Do We Experience Information Overload?
Information Overload Is Never Good
Putting A Stop to It
Stop the Social Media Distraction Too
Final Thoughts and Tips on Digital Decluttering
Conclusion
MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS
Introduction
Chapter 122: My Emotional Self
What Are Emotions?
Do We Need Emotions?
How Emotions Are Created
Are They the Same as Feelings?
How to Identify Them and How They Work
Understanding Emotional Intelligence (EI)
Chapter 123: The Most Important Emotions
The Reasons We Lose Control
Our Most Important Emotions
How to Control and Master Your Emotions
The Key to Controlling Emotions
Changing Your Emotional State
Chapter 124: Emotional Influencer
How You Can Influence Your Emotions
How Your Thoughts Can Influence Your Emotions
How the Body Influences Your Emotions
How Words Influence Your Emotions
Chapter 125: Masterful Control
How to Master and Control Anger
How to Master and Control Depression
How to Master and Control Anxiety
How Sleep Can Change Your Mood
Chapter 126: Emotional Intelligence in an Angry World
Understanding Your Anger
Anger Management Techniques
Does Your Environment Affect Your Emotions?
Why Does Music Influence Emotions?
How to Apply Emotional Intelligence in Daily Life
Conclusion

Citation preview

Emotional Intelligence Mastery Bible 11 Books in 1 This Book Includes: Overthinking – Change Your Brain Declutter Your Mind – Master Your Emotions Manipulation and Dark Psychology How to Analyze People - Dark NLP Dark Psychology Secrets – Persuasion Empath - Empath Healing

By William Mind & David Soul

© Copyright 2020 William Mind & David Soul All rights reserved. The content contained within this book may not be reproduced, duplicated or transmitted without direct written permission from the author or the publisher. Under no circumstances will any blame or legal responsibility be held against the publisher, or author, for any damages, reparation, or monetary loss due to the information contained within this book. Either directly or indirectly. Legal Notice: This book is copyright protected. This book is only for personal use. You cannot amend, distribute, sell, use, quote or paraphrase any part, or the content within this book, without the consent of the author or publisher. Disclaimer Notice: Please note the information contained within this document is for educational and entertainment purposes only. All effort has been executed to present accurate, up to date, and reliable, complete information. No warranties of any kind are declared or implied. Readers acknowledge that the author is not engaging in the rendering of legal, financial, medical or professional advice. The content within this book has been derived from various sources. Please consult a licensed professional before attempting any techniques outlined in this book. By reading this document, the reader agrees that under no circumstances is the author responsible for any losses, direct or indirect, which are incurred

as a result of the use of information contained within this document, including, but not limited to, errors, omissions, or inaccuracies.

Table of Contents DARK PSYCHOLOGY SECRETS & PERSUASION INTRODUCTION CHAPTER 1: DARK PSYCHOLOGY SECRETS CHAPTER 2: TECHNIQUES USED IN DARK PSYCHOLOGY HOW IS DARK PSYCHOLOGY USED? Persuasion Manipulation Deception Hypnosis BRAINWASHING AND OTHER CONDITIONING TECHNIQUES Gaslighting GENERAL APPLICATION OF DARK PSYCHOLOGY CHAPTER 3: DARK PERSUASION & MANIPULATION DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PERSUASION AND MANIPULATION EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION TACTICS DARK PERSUASION TACTICS CHAPTER 4: DECEPTION LIES! WHEN DO LIES BECOME DECEPTION? HOW LIES APPLY IN REAL LIFE FAMOUS INSTANCES OF DECEPTION THE ART OF CRAFTING A GOOD LIE PANTS ON FIRE CHAPTER 5: MIND CONTROL THE HISTORY OF MIND CONTROL AND ITS EFFECTS TODAY WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF MIND CONTROL? ISOLATION MOOD SWINGS AND ERRATIC BEHAVIOR NO COMPROMISES WHO USES MIND CONTROL? ORGANIZATIONS, HIGH CONTROL GROUPS, ENCOUNTER IN EVERYDAY LIFE CHAPTER 6: BODY LANGUAGE HOW TO "READ" SOMEONE COMPARE: HOW DOES THIS PERSON ACT NORMALLY? CONCERNING THE HANDS: GESTURES MADE WITH THE PALMS IS SUBMISSION. BODY LANGUAGE AND NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION TIPS TO IMPROVE YOUR NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION WHO ARE THE BEST NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATORS? THE 7 CHANNELS OF BODY LANGUAGE CHAPTER 7: NLP HOW NLP WORKS THE IMPORTANCE OF NLP

AND

PEOPLE WE KNOW

AND

DOWN INDICATE POWER AND THE OPPOSITE

CHAPTER 8: BRAINWASHING THE DARK PSYCHOLOGY OF BRAINWASHING THE CONSCIOUS LEVEL THE UNCONSCIOUS OR BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOLOGY BIOLOGICAL PSYCHOLOGY CHAPTER 9: MIND GAMES ACTIVITY CHAPTER 10: HYPNOTISM INDUCTION: SUGGESTION: SUSCEPTIBILITY: APPLICATIONS OF HYPNOSIS CHAPTER 11: DARK SEDUCTION SEDUCTION IS TO CONVINCE, OR RATHER TO CORRUPT SOMEONE TO DO SOMETHING ONE DESIRES. SEDUCTION AND THE COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS THE ART OF SEDUCTION BY SOME SCHOLARS LOADED WITH AMBIGUITIES AND OBVIOUS NEGATIONS

FACTORS TO BE CONSIDERED WHILE SEDUCING INDEPENDENCE SWITCH THE PHONE OFF SPONTANEOUS SENSE OF HUMOR SEDUCING A MAN POSTURE CHAPTER 12: THE DARK PSYCHOLOGY TRIAD INTRODUCTION TO THE INFAMOUS DARK TRIAD MACHIAVELLIAN PHILOSOPHY NARCISSISM Narcissist Types: UNDERSTANDING PSYCHOPATHS CONCLUSION MANIPULATION AND DARK PSYCHOLOGY INTRODUCTION CHAPTER 13: WHAT IS MANIPULATION IN DARK PSYCHOLOGY? PERSUASION MANIPULATION CONSIDER THIS SITUATION. EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION TECHNIQUES The Bait and Switch The Blame Game Guilt The White Knight THE DARK TRIAD Narcissism Machiavellianism Psychopathy

IS

CHAPTER 14: WHAT IS COVERT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION? SITUATION AND MANIPULATIONS SOME COMMON COVERT MANIPULATION METHODS REINFORCEMENT: A CEM STACKED SEQUENCE REALITY DENIAL CHAPTER 15: WHAT IS DARK PERSUASION? DARK PERSUASION TECHNIQUES CREATE A NEED APPEALING TO SOCIAL NEEDS MAKING USE OF LOADED WORDS AND IMAGES CHAPTER 16: CHARACTER TRAITS OF THE MANIPULATOR WHY DO PEOPLE MANIPULATE? DIFFERENT TYPES OF NEGATIVE MANIPULATION: HOW TO AVOID BEING NEGATIVELY MANIPULATED BY OTHERS: HOW TO CONFRONT A BULLY IN A SAFE WAY: A GUIDE TO POSITIVE MANIPULATION (PERSUASION) WHAT MAKES POSITIVE MANIPULATION ETHICAL? CHAPTER 17: CHARACTERISTICS OF MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE THE QUALITIES OF A MANIPULATIVE PERSON THE BEHAVIORS OF MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE Reinforcing Rationalizing Punishing Minimizing Explosiveness Diverting Issues Lying INTIMIDATION LYING BY OMISSION DENIAL PLAYING THE VICTIM EXAMPLES OF MANIPULATION ADVERTISEMENT AT WORK IN RELATIONSHIPS CULTS CHAPTER 18: THE 4 DARK PSYCHOLOGY TRAITS THE LONG CON GRADUALIST CHAPTER 19: PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIPULATION TECHNIQUES GASLIGHTING PROJECTION ISOLATION POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT PUNISHMENT NAGGING

YELLING SILENT TREATMENT CHAPTER 20: TYPES OF EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION WHAT IS EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION? TYPES OF EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION CHARACTERISTICS OF A MANIPULATIVE RELATIONSHIP SPECIFIC TYPES OF EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION CHAPTER 21: PERSUASION WITH NLP METHOD MODELS OF NEURO-LINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING Strategies Memory Belief Motivation Decision Learning Sub modalities ANCHORING Visual anchors Auditory anchors Kinesthetic anchors TRANS-DERIVATIONAL SEARCH LEADING STATEMENTS TEXTUAL AMBIGUITY CHAPTER 22: THE MIND CONTROL BRAINWASHING WHO USES MIND CONTROL MEDIA PRODUCERS LOVERS SALES PEOPLE WRITERS IN EDUCATION ADVERTISING AND PROPAGANDA SPORTS, POLITICS, RELIGION CHAPTER 23: PERSUASION WITH BRAINWASHING THE FUNDAMENTALS OF BRAINWASHING CULTS AND BRAINWASHING CHAPTER 24: HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF CAUSES OF MANIPULATION DEALING WITH MANIPULATORS BASIC FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS MAINTAIN SOME DISTANCE NO PERSONALIZATION CHAPTER 25: BEHAVIORAL TRAITS OF FAVORITE VICTIMS OF MANIPULATORS EMOTIONAL INSECURITY AND FRAGILITY SENSITIVE PEOPLE EMPHATIC PEOPLE

FEAR OF LONELINESS FEAR OF DISAPPOINTING OTHERS CONCLUSION HOW TO ANALYZE PEOPLE INTRODUCTION CHAPTER 26: UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR USE OF LANGUAGE INTERPRETATION OF NON-VERBAL CUES FACIAL EXPRESSION Frown Lines Clenched Teeth BODY LANGUAGE Body Posture Proximity CHAPTER 27: THE DARK SIDE 1. MACHIAVELLIANISM 2. NARCISSISM 3. PSYCHOPATHY 1. TRUE SOCIOPATHS 2. TRUE NARCISSISTS 3. SELFISH PEOPLE 4. POLITICIANS 5. LAWYERS 6. SALESPEOPLE 7. LEADERS 8. PUBLIC SPEAKERS 1. HIDING INTENTIONS 2. ATTENTION SEEKING 3. GIVING OFF UNNECESSARY EMOTIONS 4. CRYING FOUL AND PLAYING THE VICTIM 5. CLAIMING UNDUE CREDIT CHAPTER 28: WHY ANALYZE PEOPLE STUDYING YOURSELF IMPORTANCE OF UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE ADVANTAGES OF ANALYZING PEOPLE CHAPTER 29: BECOMING AN ANALYST FREE YOUR JUDGMENT DON’T JUST BASE IT OFF OF BEHAVIOR CREATE A BASELINE INFER THINGS FROM THE INITIAL REACTION ASK POINTED QUESTIONS CHAPTER 30: DETECTING LIES HOW TO DETERMINE IF SOMEONE IS LYING WHY LYING IS DIFFICULT HOW TO DETECT DECEPTION STUDY THE BODY LANGUAGE

CHAPTER 31: DANGER SIGNALS GAME THEORY THERE ARE MORE ENVIOUS PEOPLE RECOGNIZING AND INTERACTING WITH EACH TYPE OF PERSONALITY CHAPTER 32: DETECTING SPECIFIC PERSONALITY INTROVERSION VERSUS EXTROVERSION SENSING VERSUS INTUITION THINKING VERSUS FEELING JUDGING VERSUS PERCEIVING CHAPTER 33: INTERPRETING VERBAL COMMUNICATIONS PRETEXT COMMUNICATION CONTEXTUAL COMMUNICATION SUB-TEXTUAL COMMUNICATION INTER-TEXTUAL COMMUNICATION TYPES OF COMMUNICATION BARRIERS CHAPTER 34: HOW TO UNDERSTAND PERSONALITY TYPES OPENNESS TO EXPERIENCE AGREEABLENESS CONSCIENTIOUSNESS EXTROVERSION CHAPTER 35: IMPORTANT OF UNDERSTANDING PERSONALITY TYPES CHANGE IN SELF-PERCEPTION LACK OF EMPATHY FOR ANOTHER PERSON DEPRESSION CHAPTER 36: MASTERING THE SECRETS OF NONVERBAL DEFENSIVE ARMS DISPLAY SELF-HUG THE TERRITORIAL ARM DISPLAYS HOW TO SPOT INSECURITY IN THE RICH AND FAMOUS CHAPTER 37: OUR BODIES AND THE WAY THEY TALK CROSSED LIMBS FEET TURNED AWAY CHAPTER 38: VERBAL VS. NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION THE SENDER THE MESSAGE ENCODING THE MESSAGE CHANNELING THE MESSAGE THE RECEIVER DECODING THE MESSAGE FEEDBACK NOISE VERBAL COMMUNICATION NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION CHAPTER 39: TRUTH AND RELATIONSHIPS

THE BEHAVIORAL DELAY OR PAUSE THE VERBAL OR NON-VERBAL DISCONNECT HIDING THE EYES OR THE MOUTH SWALLOWING OR THROAT CLEARING THE HAND-TO-FACE ACTIONS CHAPTER 40: VULNERABILITY CUES THE FLINCH OR WINCE THEY BACK AWAY FROM YOU THEIR WORDS AND GESTURES GET FASTER THEIR LAUGHTER IS NERVOUS THE TONE OF THEIR VOICE CHANGES THEY HAVE TROUBLE MAINTAINING THEIR EYE CONTACT THE ANSWERS THEY GIVE ARE ONLY ONE OR TWO WORDS LONG THEIR EARS GET RED, OR THEY SCRATCH THEIR NOSE CONCLUSION DARK NLP CHAPTER 41: INTRODUCTION TO NLP MANIPULATION THE ORIGINS OF DARK NLP A WILLINGNESS TO ACCEPT FIND YOUR REASONS KILL THESE ILLUSIONS CHAPTER 42: MIND CONTROL WITH NLP FOR LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS CHOOSE THE RIGHT PERSON SEND MIXED SIGNALS CREATE A NEED FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY MAKE YOURSELF DESIRABLE CREATE TEMPTATION UTILIZE SUSPENSE BE MYSTERIOUS SUBTLY MAKE YOURSELF STAND OUT UTILIZE SCENTS BE MINDFUL OF YOUR ASSETS CONFUSE THEM BE BOLD CHAPTER 43: FRAMING AND SOME COMMONLY USED FRAMES IN NLP WHAT ARE FRAMES IN HYPNOSIS? FOUR FRAMES YOU CAN MANIPULATE HOW TO MAINTAIN YOUR FRAME IN CONVERSATIONAL HYPNOSIS HOW TO USE PREFRAMING IN CONVERSATIONAL HYPNOSIS HOW TO USE REFRAMING IN CONVERSATIONAL HYPNOSIS HOW TO USE DEFRAMING IN CONVERSATIONAL HYPNOSIS CHAPTER 44: NLP APPLICATIONS IT ENCOURAGES COMPREHENSION HELPS YOU GET THROUGH THE BAD HABITS HOW WELL DO YOU RECOGNIZE ABOUT YOUR DARK SIDE

CHAPTER 45: NLP EXERCISES CHAPTER 46: NLP PRESUPPOSITIONS AND PRIMING PRESUPPOSITIONS PRIMING What is priming, and how does it work you’re wondering? CHAPTER 47: EMOTIONAL STATES AND PERSUASION THE PRINCIPLE OF RECIPROCITY THE PRINCIPLE OF LIKING THE THEORY OF AUTHORITY THE SCARCITY THEORY THE PRINCIPLE OF CONSENSUS PERSUASION TIPS FOR DAILY USE IF YOU’RE TRYING TO INFLUENCE PEOPLE Tip # 1: Appearing confident Tip # 2: Be subtle with your approach Tip # 3: Be creative with your methods Tip # 4: Timing is all Tip # 5: Being Interesting is an added advantage Tip # 6: Listen more than you're talking. CHAPTER 48: TAKE CONTROL OF OTHERS NLP, THE MIND, AND ULTIMATE CONTROL NLP, MANIPULATION, AND MIND CONTROL CHAPTER 49: MANIPULATING THE MIND THROUGH NLP WELL, BUT WHAT IS MANIPULATION? REQUIREMENTS TO SUCCESSFULLY MANIPULATE SIMON SAYS THAT THE MANIPULATOR WILL REQUIRE TO: THE MOTIVATING FEATURE IN MANIPULATIVE INTERACTION MANIPULATION AS A MOTIVATING BEHAVIOR CHAPTER 50: NLP TECHNIQUES WHAT IS DARK NLP? WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW PLAY ON HOPE AND FEAR INSULT SOMEONE SUBTLY INFLUENCE IF SOMEONE AGREES OR DISAGREES CREATE FAKE BONDS USE THE SAME SENSORY MODAL SYSTEM MATCH BREATHING MIRRORING UNDERSTANDING CONFESSING TAKE CONTROL OF OTHERS META MODELING CHAPTER 51: THE POWER OF WORDS — LINGUISTIC FOUNDATIONS OF MANIPULATION SPINNING IDEAS OVERSELLING AS A TACTIC OVERSIMPLIFYING

OVERT HONESTY DEFINE YOUR POSITION AS NEUTRAL INTERSPERSE LONG AND SHORT INTENSITY AND PASSION SPILL YOURSELF PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS CHAPTER 52: RE-DISCOVERING NLP IN EVERY DAY LIFE EMPATH INTRODUCTION CHAPTER 53: WHAT IS AN EMPATH? CHAPTER 54: TYPES OF EMPATH EMOTIONAL EMPATH PHYSICAL EMPATH PLANT EMPATH ANIMAL EMPATH ENVIRONMENTAL EMPATH INTUITIVE EMPATH CHAPTER 55: HOW EMPATHY WORKS? CHAPTER 56: HOW TO EMBRACE YOUR GIFT? CHAPTER 57: EMPATHS AND WORK CHAPTER 58: HOW TO SUPPORT A YOUNG EMPATH? HOW TO SPOT A YOUNG EMPATH? UNCOVER THE REAL REASONS BEHIND TEMPER TANTRUMS CREATE SOOTHING ENVIRONMENTS HELP THEM PREPARE FOR THE HARSHER REALITIES OF LIFE GIVE THEM PRACTICAL TECHNIQUES THEY CAN USE TEENAGE EMPATHS CHAPTER 59: BEING EMPATHIC VS BEING AN EMPATH CHAPTER 60: BEING AN EMPATH: GOOD OR BAD CHAPTER 61: EMPATHIC LISTENING TECHNIQUES EYE CONTACT AND LIP READING HEARING THEIR WANTS VS. NEEDS CHAPTER 62: EMPATH FRIENDS AND FAMILY CHAPTER 63: THE EMPATH IN LOVE & SEX IMAGE SOURCE: THEMINDSJOURNAL.COM EMPATH IN SEX EMPATH IN LOVE CHAPTER 64: THE KEY TO CONTROLLING EMPATHY CHAPTER 65: HOW TO CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS? CHAPTER 66: LEARNING HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES THE MOST EFFECTIVE METHOD TO SET BETTER BOUNDARIES CHAPTER 67: THE DARK SIDE OF BEING AN EMPATH

CHAPTER 68: CHARACTERISTICS OF AN EMPATH RANGE OF INDICATIONS HYPOTHETICAL EMPATH CHECK THE INDICATIONS CHAPTER 69: UNDERSTANDING THE EMPATH CHAPTER 70: EMPATHS AND OTHER PEOPLE WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BE AN EMPATH? STEP BY STEP INSTRUCTIONS TO HANDLE OTHER PEOPLE'S BAD MOODS LIKE A PRO CHAPTER 71: DEVELOPING YOUR EMPATH SKILLS LISTENING EMPOWERING A PERSON WHILE EMPOWERING YOURSELF GROUNDING, CLEARING AND REALIZING DEVELOP YOUR EMOTIONS OVERCOMING YOUR FEARS CHAPTER 72: EMPATH AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COMPONENTS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IMPORTANCE OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE CHAPTER 73: HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE CHAPTER 74: HOW EMPATHY AFFECTS YOUR DAILY LIFE? CONCLUSION EMPATH HEALING INTRODUCTION CHAPTER 75: WHAT IS EMPATH HEALING? CHAPTER 76: WHO ARE EMPATHY HEALERS? REALIZATION REMEMBER FEELING REFRESHED MAKE CHOICES SETTING CLEAR BOUNDARIES IT’S A MIND GAME VIBRATE HIGHER REFRAMING CHAPTER 77: STORY OF EMPATH HEALING CHAPTER 78: EMPATH MEDICINE ADRENAL GLAND FATIGUE RECHARGING STRATEGIES SLEEP – SEA SALT BATH SMOOTHIES CHAPTER 79: EMPATH SELF CARE CHAPTER 80: HEALING YOURSELF CHAPTER 81: PROTECTION STRATEGIES STEP 1 STEP 2

STEP 3 STEP 4 STEP 5 STEP 6 STEP 7 STEP 8 CHAPTER 82: GROUNDING FOR EMPATHS GROUNDING METHODS FOR YOUR EMOTIONS CHAPTER 83: HOW TO PROTECT PERSONAL ENERGY? BAD PRACTICES TO GIVE UP GOOD PRACTICES TO START CHAPTER 84: HOW TO INCREASE POSITIVE ENERGY? CHAPTER 85: HOW TO IMMUNIZE YOUR AURA FROM NEGATIVE ENERGIES? NEGATIVE ENERGY AND THE AURA HOW TO SEE AURAS CHAPTER 86: UNDERSTANDING YOUR EMPATHIC NATURE MEANING OF EMPATH WHO IS AN EMPATH? WHAT IS EMPATHY? CHARACTERISTICS OF AN EMPATH CHAPTER 87: IDENTIFY YOUR EMOTIONS 5 COMMON EMOTIONS EXPERIENCED BY HUMANS CHAPTER 88: APPRECIATE YOUR EMOTIONS CHAPTER 89: UNDERSTAND THE EMOTIONS CHAPTER 90: PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM NARCISSIST HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF PSYCHOLOGICALLY FROM A NARCISSISTIC PERSON? CHAPTER 91: EMPATHIC PROTECTION SHIELDING VISUALIZATION DEFINE AND EXPRESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP NEEDS SET ENERGETIC BOUNDARIES AT WORK AND HOME PREVENT EMPATHY OVERLOAD THE JAGUAR PROTECTION MEDITATION CHAPTER 92: HOW TO DEVELOP THE EMPATH GIFT? TRAITS OF THE EMPATH CHAPTER 93: SOCIAL ANXIETY AND EMPATH CHAPTER 94: EMPATH AND RELATIONSHIP MANAGING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS AND ENVIRONMENT AS AN EMPATH CHAPTER 95: HOW TO RECOVER AND HEAL FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE? RECOVERING FROM ANY NARCISSISTIC ABUSE HOW TO BREAK FREE FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE CHAPTER 96: EMPATH AND ENERGY VAMPIRES CHAPTER 97: EMPATH AND SPIRITUAL HYPERSENSITIVITY

CHAPTER 98: EMPATH HEALING METHODS MEDITATION LAUGHTER DISCOVERING YOUR OUTLETS NATURE WATER SEA SALT CHAPTER 99: PROTECT YOURSELF AS AN EMPATH CHAPTER 100: EMPATHS AND THE SPIRITUAL AWAKENING PROCESS CHAPTER 101: HEALING THE EMOTIONAL REALM HOW TO START HEALING THE PROCESS OF EMOTIONAL HEALING TIPS FOR EMOTIONAL HEALING CHAPTER 102: THE SPIRITUAL PURPOSE OF EMPATHS CHAPTER 103: STRATEGIES TO OVERCOME FEAR AND ANXIETY CHAPTER 104: MEDITATION FOR EMPATHS CHAPTER 105: HOW TO BECOME A HEALER OF OTHERS? SELF-TEST FOR BEING AN EMPATH: CHAPTER 106: EMOTIONAL HEALING METHODS MEDITATION CEREMONIAL HEALING ENERGY SHIELDS CORD CUTTING CEREMONY TALK THERAPY INTUITIVE COUNSELING CONCLUSION OVERTHINKING INTRODUCTION CHAPTER 107: WHAT IS OVERTHINKING? OVERTHINKING EXPLAINED THE REASON BEHIND IT TYPES OF OVERTHINKING THE CAUSES THE DANGEROUS EFFECTS OF OVERTHINKING CHAPTER 108: SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS HOW TO IDENTIFY IF YOU’RE AN OVERTHINKER THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN OVERTHINKING AND ANXIETY OVERTHINKING’S DESTRUCTIVE DRAWBACKS CHAPTER 109: GOOD HABIT FORMATION WHY GOOD HABITS HELP MOTIVATING YOURSELF TO CHANGE YOUR HABITS CHAPTER 110: THE EXTRAORDINARY POWER OF MINDFULNESS WHAT IS MINDFULNESS MEDITATION

HOW TO MEDITATE WHY YOU NEED TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS EMBRACING MINDFULNESS OVERCOME ANXIETY WITH MINDFULNESS MINDFULNESS IN EVERYDAY LIFE CHAPTER 111: THE BEST KEPT SECRETS TO TAMING YOUR THOUGHTS THE WANDERING MIND TAMING STRATEGY #1: POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS TAMING STRATEGY #2: LISTENING TO YOURSELF TAMING STRATEGY #3: AVOID PROCRASTINATION TAMING STRATEGY #4: GET A HOBBY TAMING STRATEGY #5: BE LOVINGLY PATIENT WITH YOURSELF CONCLUSION CHANGE YOUR BRAIN INTRODUCTION CHAPTER 112: PRINCIPLES TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN AND YOUR LIFE IS IT POSSIBLE TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN? HOW TO CHANGE OUR MINDSET AND OURSELVES HOW TO ILLUMINATE YOUR MIND YOUR CHOICES CHANGE YOUR BRAIN LOVE, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, FEAR AND THE BRAIN YOU CANNOT CHANGE WHAT YOU DO NOT MEASURE HOW POSITIVE THINKING WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE HOW CAN I TRAIN MY BRAIN TO BE POSITIVE? CHAPTER 113: IMPROVING THE BRAIN CAN THE BRAIN REWIRE ITSELF? HOW DO WE IMPROVE OUR BRAINS? LEARNING CHANGES THE BRAIN 6 WAYS TO SHIFT YOUR MINDSET AND EMBRACE CHANGE CHAPTER 114: 10 OTHER THINGS YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN 1: BELIEVE YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR BRAIN 2: REGULAR EXERCISE 3: MINIMIZE CAFFEINE INTAKE 4: BEING ONE WITH NATURE 5: THE POWER OF MEDITATION 6: GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP 7: REGULAR READING 8: MUSIC FOR THE SOUL 9: AVOID MULTITASKING 10: A GRATEFUL HEART AND MIND CHAPTER 115: HOW DO I GET SMARTER? KEEPING YOUR BRAIN IN PEAK CONDITION MENTAL STRATEGY 1: READ EVERY DAY MENTAL STRATEGY 2: BRAIN GAMES MENTAL STRATEGY 3: GET REGULAR EXERCISE MENTAL STRATEGY 4: LEARNING A NEW LANGUAGE MENTAL STRATEGY 5: MANAGE YOUR TIME WISELY

MENTAL STRATEGY 6: REVIEW LEARNED INFORMATION CHAPTER 116: BREAKING FREE OF BAD HABITS WHAT ARE BAD HABITS AND WHY DO THEY AFFECT US? HOW HABITS ARE FORMED IS IT POSSIBLE TO CHANGE THESE HABITS? YOUR HABIT REPLACEMENT JOURNEY SHIFT YOUR MINDSET TO BREAK YOUR HABITS THOUGHT REPLACEMENT DON’T BE AFRAID TO TALK ABOUT IT CONCLUSION DECLUTTER YOUR MIND INTRODUCTION CHAPTER 117: THE PHILOSOPHY OF DECLUTTERING UNDERSTANDING CLUTTER AND DECLUTTERING HOW CLUTTER AFFECTS THE BRAIN WHAT DECLUTTERING IS NOT CAN DECLUTTERING CHANGE YOUR LIFE? DOES DECLUTTERING HELP YOU BECOME A MORE EFFICIENT LEARNER? HOW DO YOU START DECLUTTERING? WHAT’S NEXT? CHAPTER 118: BUILDING A DECLUTTERING MINDSET RECOGNIZING MENTAL CLUTTER WHY WE LIVE WITH CLUTTERED MINDS & WHAT CAUSES IT THE EFFECT OF STRESS ON YOUR BODY DECLUTTERING MENTALLY FOCUS ON LIFE’S PRIORITIES IDENTIFY YOUR CORE VALUES CHAPTER 119: DECLUTTERING YOUR SPACE YOUR HOUSE IS A CONTAINER VALUING SPACE OVER STUFF HOW DO I MAKE MY HOME CLUTTER-FREE? DECLUTTERING THE JUNK IN YOUR HOUSE DECLUTTERING YOUR HOME OFFICE CHANGING YOUR SPACE TO CHANGE YOUR MINDSET CHAPTER 120: DECLUTTERING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS THE COST OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS HOW TO DECLUTTER YOUR RELATIONSHIPS DECLUTTERING YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS HOW DECLUTTERING YOUR HOME CAN IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ORGANIZING YOUR PRIORITIES & TOSSING OUT BAD HABITS MINDFULNESS AND BEING PRESENT WITH YOUR PARTNER CHAPTER 121: DECLUTTERING YOUR THOUGHTS IS INFORMATION OVERLOAD SERIOUS? WHY DO WE EXPERIENCE INFORMATION OVERLOAD? INFORMATION OVERLOAD IS NEVER GOOD PUTTING A STOP TO IT

STOP THE SOCIAL MEDIA DISTRACTION TOO FINAL THOUGHTS AND TIPS ON DIGITAL DECLUTTERING CONCLUSION MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS INTRODUCTION CHAPTER 122: MY EMOTIONAL SELF WHAT ARE EMOTIONS? DO WE NEED EMOTIONS? HOW EMOTIONS ARE CREATED ARE THEY THE SAME AS FEELINGS? HOW TO IDENTIFY THEM AND HOW THEY WORK UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (EI) CHAPTER 123: THE MOST IMPORTANT EMOTIONS THE REASONS WE LOSE CONTROL OUR MOST IMPORTANT EMOTIONS HOW TO CONTROL AND MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS THE KEY TO CONTROLLING EMOTIONS CHANGING YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE CHAPTER 124: EMOTIONAL INFLUENCER HOW YOU CAN INFLUENCE YOUR EMOTIONS HOW YOUR THOUGHTS CAN INFLUENCE YOUR EMOTIONS HOW THE BODY INFLUENCES YOUR EMOTIONS HOW WORDS INFLUENCE YOUR EMOTIONS CHAPTER 125: MASTERFUL CONTROL HOW TO MASTER AND CONTROL ANGER HOW TO MASTER AND CONTROL DEPRESSION HOW TO MASTER AND CONTROL ANXIETY HOW SLEEP CAN CHANGE YOUR MOOD CHAPTER 126: EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN AN ANGRY WORLD UNDERSTANDING YOUR ANGER ANGER MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES DOES YOUR ENVIRONMENT AFFECT YOUR EMOTIONS? WHY DOES MUSIC INFLUENCE EMOTIONS? HOW TO APPLY EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN DAILY LIFE CONCLUSION

Dark Psychology Secrets & Persuasion By David Soul

Introduction NLP stands for neuro linguistic programming. It is a concept that has existed for quite some time now, and has gained prominence in the last decade or so, owing to a large number of people taking it up, and using it to their benefit. The main aim of NLP is to help a person exploit their complete brainpower. It is to push them to the brink of excellence and do things that they were not aware of being capable. Richard Brandler and John Grinder first described NLP in 1970. The former was a self-help author and the latter, a linguistic expert and together, they worked on previous concepts that were laid by experts in the field of neurology and linguistics. They laid heavy emphasis on human beings using both sides of their brains and also uniting the conscious and the subconscious minds. As you know, all of us have an active mind that is consciously awake and helping us think and an unconscious or sub-conscious mind that is dormant. From then on, the concept grew in leaps and bounds. More and more linguists and neurologists started researching it and presented their individual views. Although much progress has been made, NLP is not yet recognized as a bona fide scientific concept. A lot more work needs to be done on it for the scientific community to accept it with open arms. However, for those that have used NLP, the results are apparent and there are several testimonials available on the Internet that speaks of the concept’s actual uses.

Despite being dormant, it will constantly be thinking things and storing them for the long haul. If a person successfully taps into this mindset then he can make the most of his brainpower. One quality of NLP is that, it helps in drawing from a person’s existing thinking and teaches the person to make the most of it. All human beings will have a lot of mental potential that they will not be able to tap into fully. But with the use of NLP, not only will it be easy to tap into the subconscious mindset but also think out of the box. It is a theory that teaches you to cut down on the wrongs that exist in your life and promote the rights. This will ensure that you do right by yourself and have the chance to focus on things that are important. You can think of NLP as a framework that is provided to you to base your mind power’s principles upon. It will assist in helping you think clearer and in a better way. Now it is standard for people to assume that NLP will only find its application in the work field given its description of helping people increase their brainpower. But that is not true. NLP is applicable in all walks of life encompassing personal and social as well. You can make use of NLP to increase your communication skills, attain more professionally etc. All of this will allow you to do more in life and attain your goals. But the primary focus of NLP will be to help you sharpen your mind and make full use of your brain. So right from polishing your memory to easily recalling something, NLP will help you do a plethora of things with equal

ease. In fact, NLP is a tool that many psychologists use to get over certain mental conditions such as anxiety and Dementia. The uses of NLP are hard to measure as research has shown how it can go beyond mental impact and also has several physical benefits as well. It’s seen that NLP helps certain people combat physical ailments as well as they will have a great control over their mind. They can literally ask their bodies to heal faster as the body responds to the mind’s calls. NLP is designed to suit everybody. Anybody interested in increasing their mind’s capacity and willing to put in the effort is welcome to take up NLP. It is a person’s personal choice to do so and once they make up their mind, they will not regret their decision. There is no age restriction as such and anybody above the age of 15 can take it up. School children will find it useful, as it will help them in their studies. It is also for old people who are trying to fend off illnesses such as Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Working professionals can take it up to do more in their work field. They can use NLP to work faster, be more productive and be done with work early. All of this will go a long way in helping them realize their life’s goals. Apart from these, there are many other uses of NLP, which you will only realize once you take it up. For you to take up NLP there are two choices. One if to undergo training at a professional course and the other is to practice the concepts of NLP by yourself. Both can be equally useful, and it is up to you to choose either. For the former, the place might charge you a certain amount for their services and the latter will mostly be free of cost. But the firmer might teach you things

that will help you understand the concept better and faster as compared to the latter. This book will push you into the right direction and help you understand that different concepts of NLP, which you can apply in your everyday life. Once you learn the concept of NLP and successfully implement it in your life, you will not want to go back and will constantly and consistently use it to your advantage. In fact, you can also have a relative; a friend or a colleague join in and the two of you can reap joint benefits of taking up NLP.

Chapter 1: Dark Psychology Secrets The science of psychology is one that hasn’t existed for as long as many other sciences. While geology, biology, and other hard sciences have existed for hundreds or even thousands of years, psychology was born in 1874 when German physiologist Wilhelm Wundt published a book outlining the connections between the body’s reactions and the human mind titled Principles of Physiological Psychology. This research path would become a branch of science all its own, and that branch would be known as psychology. Although there are now many different kinds of psychology based on methods of treatment of perspectives of different researchers, it’s important to make the distinction of the birth of the science generally in order to better understand the idea of “dark” psychology.

Wilhelm Wundt 16 August 1832 – 31 August 1920 The idea of dark psychology became popularized when the dark triad of human traits became a widespread topic. This dark triad of personality traits can be found in just about everybody, but the combination of the three traits —psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism—makes up the most complete idea of a bad person, in their rawest and simplest form. Research of these dark three traits can be found especially in the fields of criminal or deviant psychology. Everyone can show signs of at least one of these traits, but they are a staple of manipulative and malevolent people. When the ideas of these dark psychological qualities became associated with deviance or criminal behavior, more research was done on the ideas behind what made some people deviant, and what made some psychology “dark.” These ideas of “dark psychology” ultimately stem from methods of manipulation in

order to convince people to lean your way, or to get what you want out of the people around you.

Image Source: Illimitable Man

Unfortunately, there’s no way for you to magically get what you want out of anyone you ask—although you can make your chances of success with certain people better by using some of these tricks, there’s no guarantee or 100% success rate. There will always be some things you have to work for or go “the long way” to get. If anything, these tips and tricks are not shortcuts to get anything that you want, but they’re ways for you to check yourself to make sure that, in addition to being able to manipulate others, you’re also able to protect yourself from that same manipulation. There will be many times where people try to use these tricks on you in order to get information or a favor out of you will make those tricks less likely to work on you. And by understanding more about the dark triad of personality

traits, in particular, you’ll be more able to spot people with these traits easily, and you’ll be able to avoid potentially dangerous or toxic people before it’s too late. There’s also a very important balance that has to be maintained when it comes to dark psychology—it isn’t something that you should use whenever you want something out of someone. Dark psychology is something you use when the thing you’re trying to get from someone will ultimately help you to have more opportunities—it should be something very important to you or to someone else. If you use these tools simply for the purpose of getting whatever you want, you won’t develop as a person for using them, and you’ll likely only know how to rely on those tools when you need something in the future. When you need something very important which you can’t get in another way, these methods can work very well in a stressful situation or one in which you need a quick solution. However, you shouldn’t rely on them if you don’t absolutely need to. While mind control and dark psychology are incredibly important parts of psychology and are relevant facets of the human mind, they shouldn’t ever be taken lightly and they aren’t things to be messed with when it comes to using them to your advantage. When you really need something from someone, use dark psychology as a way to streamline your goals and your intentions in a way that causes the least amount of damage to other people as possible. While the goals of dark psychology are self-serving and not to service others, you also shouldn’t go out of your way to hurt other people or cause them trouble just for the sake of furthering a goal. There are some things that can’t be avoided when you’re using manipulation tactics, but you should always make it a priority to do as much positive work you can

for yourself while minimizing the negative work you do unto others in the process. That being said, you also shouldn’t expect dark psychology to work quickly. When you manipulate someone, it should be a process instead of just a quick fix to a problem. For example, if you’re trying to persuade someone to make a certain decision in your favor, it isn’t a forceful thing, and persuasion is something that takes more than one encounter to work to its fullest capabilities. While trying to persuade someone, it’s ideal to bombard them with subtle but effective ideas that are more likely to get them to understand your side and be sympathetic to your ideas. After a long enough time of that exposure to your ideas and your way of thinking, they’ll be much more open to your options and receptive to what you have to say. If you were to just try and force their opinion to change, you probably would’ve been met with failure as that kind of forceful persuasion can backfire except for specific situations. However, because you took your time in this situation and really hammered in the ideas for sympathy to your cause over a longer period of time, you ended up getting exactly what you wanted because you took the longer and more patient approach to your problem. Dark psychology is sometimes painted as a fast solution to all your problems and the kinks in your relationships. However, just like any method of getting past an issue, you see the best and more effective results when you take your time and patiently observe the process. This applies to all the methods of persuasion and control over others that you’ll see and learn — they all work best if you can have the patience to wait them out and let persuasion run its course slowly rather than forcing the process. When we let these things work themselves out more slowly, we let the

person we’re trying to persuade believe that their decision to support you was ultimately their idea and that they weren’t affected by your persuasion much or at all. This also makes slower persuasion much more likely to work when it comes to people who are more determined and independent— people who are less likely to agree with you by force simply because they like to feel in control of their own choices. When you persuade them subtly, you offer them the illusion of choice while making the “choice” you want them to make seem much more favorable by comparison. This is just one of the many ways you can get people to side with you without having to force their hand or use any kind of violence or intimidation. Ideally, you wouldn’t have to use any kind of covert persuasion or manipulation in order to achieve your goal, but it’s a part of modern life that has become almost inseparable from business and many other spheres of work. In the business world or in any world where communications happen often or agreements have to be reached between different parties who might have entirely different agendas, there’s usually some degree of persuasion or manipulation—usually on all sides—in order to reach the most fruitful or pleasant compromise. That doesn’t mean that the persuasion is malicious or that the goal of the persuasion is simply to harm the other parties in order to get what you want. Often, persuasion is a normal tool that all humans use as an evolutionary trait that developed when bartering became a more sophisticated action that required a lot of trade. When the way we spoke to other parties became more important than the deal itself, humans developed more of an understanding of what most humans see as most pleasurable, as well as the ability to more accurately

read the emotions of people in order to reach the fullest understanding of what each group of people wanted. Of course, there will always be some aspects of dark psychology which are mainly used in order to bully people into submission or to force the hands of others in order to get what you need out of them. This is never usually preferable, but there are some situations where it’s best to go about it in a more forceful way. Additionally, there are some situations where you can’t wait for persuasion to be slow and subtle in order to be effective. For some scenarios, you simply need to force what you need out have people. Although it isn’t ideal to have to force things out of people this way, it’s usually required if you want to reach your full potential in that situation. While you might have ideally been in a situation where you could drop a lot of hints toward someone that they should support you and wait for them to come to that decision on their own terms, you might instead be on a time crunch. Because you have less time, you might be forced to resort to fear tactics and manipulating the person using that fear or intimidation in order to scare them into submission and supporting you. This is one of many situations where even if you would have liked to use more docile or subtle techniques; you’re forced by circumstance to resort to potentially more harmful or hurtful tactics of dark psychology. These tactics are simply sometimes needed if you want to have the most effective results out of people. The point of dark psychology is not to befriend the people you’re manipulating; after all—the point is to get what you need out of them and little else. In some situations, you might keep that person’s connection for future manipulations if they can be involved in your long-term plans.

While the line can sometimes be thin, it’s especially important to understand where the boundary falls for you as it pertains to the difference between manipulating someone from a business perspective and being toxic toward that person in a close or intimate way. Once the manipulation becomes personal and the person you’re taking advantage of really becomes the victim of your consistent manipulation, you may want to assess why you’re treating them that way and if your ends are really justifying the means of that manipulation. While the morals behind dark psychology in a broader sense vary wildly from situation to situation, you shouldn’t let yourself become an abuser of someone innocent just for the sake of your own professional or personal gain. If it starts to feel as though you’re regularly taking advantage of someone just for the sake of feeling control over them and you’ve stopped getting anything of proportionate value out of that manipulation, you might be a toxic person—manipulating others not for any real goal which is worth that manipulation, but simply doing so out of the malice you have for them and the desperation you have for social power and control. You don’t have to use dark psychology as a way to have control over others at all times. Usually, it’s a tool to fulfill desires of yours and a way for you to potentially save people time and emotional energy. Although the morality of making a decision with heavy consequences for someone before they can make it themselves is questionable, sometimes you truly do know something that others don’t, which allows you to streamline an emotional process or decision which might have otherwise been much more emotionally challenging for everyone involved. For example, if you knew someone who wanted to attend a party or other function for the purpose of

meeting someone they already have in mind, you might be able to save them the trouble by preventing them from attending if you know the person they have in mind would be toxic or otherwise problematic for them. If you know this person would be bad for them, you have many ways to use dark psychology in order to prevent them from going to the function—you don’t have to use fear or intimidation tactics in order to get them to stay. Simply persuading them to do something with you or to try something new in a different way instead can direct their energy into something more constructive and positive which won’t hurt or damage them in the way that person might have. By doing this, you’ve used dark psychology in order to save someone you know emotional energy, time, and the commitment to a relationship or connection which would have failed or ended roughly. Although you might not feel comfortable making that kind of decision for someone, there are points at which you have the ability to make choices for the sake of others which will benefit them in the long run. This is a way you can use manipulation and persuasion in a way that qualifies as dark psychology but is doing the people you know better than harm for your own sake. There are also many other scenarios in which you can use dark psychology skills you learn in order to help not only yourself achieve the things you want for yourself, but also others in achieving their own goals. Of course, you first have to set a foundation of knowledge before you can dive deeper into deep psychology as it pertains to the use of specific methods or tactics of manipulating others.

Chapter 2: Techniques Used In Dark Psychology

How Is Dark Psychology Used? Because dark psychology can cover such a wide variety of mental techniques, it’s important to understand that each one can be applied differently. Although there is some overlap between methods, defining each one can be helpful to comprehend the full spectrum of dark psychology.

Persuasion To persuade someone is to convince them to act or think a certain way based on reasoning or through argument. When we talk about persuasion in the realm of dark psychology, it means to convince someone to act in a way that is beneficial to the persuader but may not be beneficial to the person being persuaded. This can come in the form of coercion or other means of forced compliance. Persuasion is an important skill when it comes to businesses like sales, but can be used in personal relationships, as well. People who are the target of persuasion are usually aware of what is going on, but find themselves powerless to fight it. The art of persuasion as a standalone discipline has been taught since the times of the Ancient Greeks when Aristotle himself instructed his students in rhetoric and argumentative method.

Manipulation Manipulation has a negative connotation, even before it is put under the spotlight of dark psychology. Manipulation means to bend something to your will, to mold something to your specifications and desires, or to

maneuver the pieces of something until it all comes together. In dark psychology, this refers to the technique of causing another person to change themselves, act in a manner deviant from their personality, or to act on behalf of the person manipulating them. People who are being manipulated are often unaware that it is occurring because skilled manipulators can seamlessly make their subjects feel at ease. Even if there are the proverbial red flags, they are usually quickly ignored or moved on from during the next stage of the manipulation. Psychologists are still trying to pinpoint exactly what causes a person to manipulate another, but some have identified what they believe to be the strongest characteristics of the manipulator and the manipulated.

Deception Deception can be thought of as ranging anywhere from a small falsehood like a little white lie all the way through a large fraudulent indiscretion. Influencing how another person feels, thinks, or acts through means of untruthfulness or lies of omission all fall under the category of deception. People use deception when they’ve done something they do not want to have been caught doing, when they want to falsely cause someone else to think or act a certain way, or when they want to have something occur under false pretenses. Deception can be a very hurtful method of dark psychology because most people react very negatively to being lied to. People who use deception as a

method in dark psychology should be aware that there may be an aftermath of anger and grief should they are caught in their lives.

Hypnosis Hypnosis is a technique which alters a person’s state of consciousness in order to make them highly suggestible to behaviors which they would not normally exhibit. It has been used historically in everything from parlor shows to intense psychotherapy and is subject to a great deal of skepticism. In the realm of dark psychology, hypnosis could be used to cause the subject to act on another’s behalf or otherwise behave in a way abhorrent to their normal state of being. Because people in a state of hypnosis are often hyper-focused on the task they’ve been given, they are driven to complete that task no matter the consequence. Hypnosis was popularized by Austrian physician Franz Mesmer, whose name is where we derive the word ‘mesmerize’. Mesmer’s method of hypnosis is vastly different from what we think of it today, and Mesmer believed it was truly a tool for healing. Mesmer’s theory held that the human body, like all things, has an invisible magnetic field and that by finding a way to align that magnetic field, his patients could be cured of what ailed them. These patients were often said to go into a trance-like state during treatment, therefore becoming ‘mesmerized’. Trance states or subconscious actions during a trance are not only limited to Mesmer’s healing technique. There are numerous examples throughout

history of people falling into a trance during spiritual and/or religious rituals. Many of the precursors to Mesmer’s work also included magnets. It wasn’t until later on, when Scottish doctor James Braid became interested in Mesmer’s work, that the technique of inducing a medical trance became known as first as neuro-hypnosis and later just hypnosis. Braid believed that mesmerism or hypnotism had less to do with magnetic fields and more to do with the process of ocular focus used to induce the trance. Braid theorized that when patients were forced to keep their eyes on a moving object, their brains were lulled into a sense of pseudo-sleep and began functioning at a different level.

Brainwashing and Other Conditioning Techniques Most people are familiar with conditioning, made famous by Pavlov and his dogs. For those who need a refresher, Ivan Pavlov was a Russian psychologist, physiologist, and researcher who became the father of classical conditioning. His renowned experiment involving dogs can be summed up briefly like this: Pavlov would ring a bell each day, and then immediately feed his canine subjects. The dogs would begin to salivate because they knew their food was coming after the bell. Eventually, the dogs began to salivate when they heard the bell, whether they were fed immediately after or not. The dogs had become conditioned to salivate when the bell rang.

In much the same way, humans can become conditioned to behave in a specific way based on the criteria of stimuli. Brainwashing, as we often call it, can apply to an individual or a group, as is often seen in cults. People behave a certain way when prompted because they believe there will be a reward in the end. In extreme cases, people do not want to be rescued from their brainwashers, because they believe that they will be punished and not receive their promised reward. Another extreme form of conditioning is known as Stockholm syndrome. This occurs when a captive forms a sympathetic connection with their captor. The reverse of this is known as Lima Syndrome. Both psychological effects are named for historical acts- the first, a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden in which hostages refused to speak out against the bank robbers

who held them against their will, and the second occurred in Lima, Peru, where militants took hundreds of people hostage at the Japanese embassy, but released most of them due to sympathy for their plight.

Gaslighting Gaslighting is a psychological technique which existed long before it was given it modern moniker. The term ‘gaslighting’ comes from a play and later film called Gaslight, where a man makes his wife believe she is losing her sanity, when in truth, the husband is playing a series of subtle psychological tricks on her, including changing the settings of the gas lamps within their home. In general, the term ‘gaslighting’ is now used to describe any number of actions which cause a subject to question their own perceptions, their grasp on reality and their sanity. Gaslighting is most frequently used by one individual on another individual, but can also be perpetrated on a larger group under certain circumstances.

General Application of Dark Psychology As you can see, there is a multitude of techniques and methods of dark psychology, which begets some questions. Why would someone use dark psychology? How can it be used to my benefit? How do you know when dark psychology is being used on you? The first question is the easiest to answer. People use dark psychology to get something that they want. Whether that desire is for something material or something emotional, the primary use of dark psychology is to attain a goal. That leads to another question- is dark psychology only beneficial to the person using it? Conversely, does it always harm the subject? The second question asked here was ‘how can I use dark psychology to my benefit?’ The answer would be to determine the method that fits your needs. To do that, you must first pinpoint your goal or desire. Once you’ve done that, you can determine what dark psychology method is the best way to achieve your goals. There may be times that a mixture of methods is the most effective for your needs.

Chapter 3: Dark Persuasion & Manipulation

Difference between Persuasion and Manipulation Covert emotional manipulation is used by people who want to gain power or control over you by deploying tactics that are both deceptive and underhanded. Such people want to change the way you think and behave without you ever realizing what it is they are doing. In other words, they use techniques that can alter your perceptions in such a way that you think that you are doing it out of your own free will. Covert emotional manipulation is “covert” because it works without you being consciously aware of that fact. People who are good at deploying such techniques can get you to do their bidding without your knowledge; they can hold you “psychologically captive."

When skilled manipulators set their sights on you, they can get you to grant them power over your own emotional well-being and even your self-worth. They will put you under their spell without you ever realizing it. They will win your trust, and you will start attaching value to what they think of you. Once you have let them into your life, they will then start chipping away at your very identity in a methodical way, and as time goes by you will lose your self-esteem and turn into whatever they want you to be.

Covert emotional manipulation is actually more common than you might think. Since it's subtle, people are rarely aware that it’s happening to them, and in some cases, they may never even notice. Only keen outside observers may be able to tell when this form of manipulation is going on.

You might know someone who used to be fun and jovial, then she got into a relationship with someone else, and a few years down the line, she seems to have a completely different personality. If it’s an old friend, you might not even recognize the person she has become. That is how powerful covert emotional manipulation can be. It can completely overhaul someone’s personality without them even realizing it. The manipulator will chip away at you little by little, and you will accept minute changes that fly under the radar, until the old you are replaced by a different version of you, build to be subservient to the manipulator.

Covert emotional manipulation works like a slow-moving coup. It requires you to make small progressive concessions to the person that is trying to manipulate you. In other words, you let go of tiny aspects of your identity to accommodate the manipulative person, so it never registers in your mind that there is something bigger at play.

When the manipulative person pushes you to change in small ways, you will comply because you don't want to "sweat the small stuff." However, there is a domino effect that occurs as you start conceding to the manipulative person. You will be more comfortable making subsequent concessions, and your personality will be erased and replaced in a cumulative progression.

Covert emotional manipulation occurs to some extent in all social dynamics. Let’s look at how it plays out in romantic relationships, in friendships, and at work.

Emotional Manipulation Tactics Lying is one of the very first techniques that manipulators use. It is a technique that pathological liars or psychopaths use when they want to confuse their victims. If they are constantly lying to them, their victims will often be unaware of the truth. Those who use this tactic have no moral or ethical apprehension about it. Telling half-truths or only telling part of a story is another tactic that can be used to manipulate someone. People like this will often keep things to themselves because it puts the victim at a disadvantage. They can get what they want by waiting to tell them the rest of the story until their needs are met. Being around someone who has frequent mood swings can often make a person vulnerable to their manipulations. Not knowing what mood that person will be in, whether they will be happy, sad, or angry can be a very useful tactic for the manipulator. It keeps the victim off balance and easy to manipulate because they will often do what the manipulator wants to keep them in a good mood. Another tactic that is often used by narcissists is known as love bombing. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be in a relationship but can be used in a friendship as well. Those that use this tactic will charm the victim to death and have them believe that this is the best relationship or friendship that has ever happened to them. They will use the victim for what they want, and then when they are done, they drop them and the victim has no idea what happened.

A tactic that can be used in extreme cases by the manipulator is that of punishment. This makes the victim feel guilty for something they did wrong, even if they didn’t do anything at all. Some of the punishments that they can inflict on their victims are consistent nagging, shouting, mental abuse, giving them the silent treatment, and even as bad as physical violence. Denial is often a tactic that is used when a manipulator feels pushed in a corner, and they feel like they will be exposed for the fake that they are. In this instance, they will manipulate the victim into believing that they are doing the very thing the manipulator is being accused of. Spinning the truth is a tactic often used by politicians. It is used to twist the facts to suit their needs or wants. Sociopaths use this technique to disguise their bad behavior and justify it to their victims. Minimizing is when a manipulator will play down their behavior and/or actions. They move the blame onto the victim for overreacting when their actions are harmful, and the person has a valid reason for feeling the way they do. It is often interesting when the manipulator pretends to become the victim. They do this to gain sympathy or compassion from their real victims. They do this so that their victims feel a sense of responsibility to help and end their suffering, especially if they feel that they are the cause of that person’s suffering. Another way that the manipulator can move the blame onto the victim is by targeting the victim and accusing them of wrongdoing. The victim will then start to defend themselves, while the manipulator hides their manipulation

away from the victim. This can be dangerous because the victim is so focused on defending themselves that they forget to notice what is right in front of them. Using the positive reinforcement tactic tricks the victim into thinking that they are getting something for helping the manipulator get what they want. This can be through purchasing them expensive presents, praising them, giving them money, constantly apologizing for their behavior, giving them lots of attention and all-around buttering them up. There are times when a person knows where they stand with someone. However, in any type of relationship, the manipulator might keep moving the goal just to confuse their victim because they thought that everyone was still on the same page. Another manipulation tactic that manipulators like to use is known as diversion. This tactic is commonly used to divert a certain conversation away from what the manipulator is doing. The new topic is created to get the victim to lose focus on what the manipulator is doing or trying to do. Sarcasm is a tactic that can be used to lower the self-esteem and confidence of a victim through embarrassment. The manipulator will use sarcasm – usually saying something about the victim- in front of other people. This gives the manipulator power over the victim because they just made them feel very small. Guilt trips are another tactic that a manipulator will use against their victim. In this instance, they will often tell their victims that they don’t care about them or love them; they will indicate that they are selfish and that their life is easy. It keeps the victim confused and anxious because they want to

please the manipulator by letting them know that they care about them and will do anything for them. Using flattery is the exact opposite of guilt-tripping. In this instance, the manipulator will use charm, praise or other types of flattery to gain the victim’s trust. They victim enjoys the compliments and lets their guard down. Another way that a manipulator will move the blame is to play the innocent card when the victim accuses them of their tactics. They will act shocked or show confusion at the accusation. The act of being surprised is convincing to the victim, and it makes them question their judgment and if what they are feeling is wrong. A dangerous tactic that a manipulator can use is that of extreme aggression. Rage and aggression are used to force the victim to submit. The anger and rage are a tactic that scares the victim to stop talking about the conversation. They pretty much want to help keep the manipulator’s anger in check. Isolation is another dangerous tactic used by manipulators. It is a control mechanism that is used by manipulators to keep their victims from their family, friends, and loved ones who can expose the manipulator for who they really are. The manipulator might know that their victim can be manipulated, but their friends and family can see right through them, and they are not done using their victim yet. And, one of the last tactics that manipulators, such as psychopaths and sociopaths use is that of fake love and empathy. These types of people do not know how to love others besides themselves and have a hard time

loving others and showing empathy towards others. They use this tactic to entangle themselves into their victims’ lives to extract what they want from them (Learning Mind, 2012). Remember that Dark Manipulation is a very dangerous thing and not something that anyone would want to be caught up in if they can help it. Therefore, it is important to read this chapter to protect yourself against anyone who would try to take advantage of you and manipulate you to get what they want. The more knowledge you have about these devious acts, the easier it is to protect yourself from it.

Dark Persuasion Tactics It is often used for a person’s own gain. Immanuel Kant argued that the only moral way that we can even try to manipulate people or their behavior is through rational persuasion. He makes it known that anything else is just immoral and unethical. If this is the case, how can any form of persuasion be anything but rational? How can any part of persuasion be dark if we are given a choice on what to decide? This is not the case with a dark persuader. Their intention is different, they know exactly what they are doing, and they are fully aware of the bigger picture. One of the things about this type of persuader is that they understand who they are trying to persuade, what their motivation is, and how far they need to go to get what they want. The persuader doesn’t contemplate morality in this case because it won’t get them what they want. They will find a way to get what they want by any means necessary. Subliminal messages have been known as the dark art of persuasion for years. People often connect subliminal messages with conspiracy theories against politicians or advertisers and state that the messages are used to manipulate our minds and diminish or change our behaviors. One of the most important things about subliminal messages is that we can never become consciously aware of this type of stimulus, no matter how hard we try. The next thing we need to know is that those who believe in subliminal messages believe that it is a real result of communication that has been deliberately designed to generate a response from people and get them to do things that they wouldn’t normally do.

All of this happens on the subconscious level. However, we need to make a distinction between subliminal and supraliminal. Supraliminal is the opposite of subliminal because even though it also evokes responses that consequently influence our behaviors, it can be viewed through the conscious mind. Freud came up with the term subconscious, which refers to the part of our mind that works on the lower level of our conscious awareness. It is a secret place where we hide our desires, motives and past experiences that we no longer share with our conscious mind. “Our conscious mind gives us executive control of our mind. With our consciousness, we can think, judge, feel and experience with awareness. This is not the case with our subconscious. Our subconscious is always on autopilot and is more powerful than our regular consciousness when it comes to processing information. This can be dangerous because if someone is using subliminal messages to change how you are thinking or behaving, you are not conscious of what is happening and that can be scary.

Chapter 4: Deception Everyone’s done it. Small children don’t know who made the mess or broke the lamp. The check is in the mail. We’ll be ready in five minutes. Yes, you look wonderful in that dress. The little white lie. It’s inherent in human nature. Before we look at how we can use lies and deception, let’s look at why we lie.

Lies! If humans are hardwired to lie, why? Where does the instinct to tell an untruth to come from? Is it biological or psychological, or both? The answer is both! Humans lie because of what scientists call a ‘tend and defend' response. This means that lies are used to tend to needs or to defend against the threat, and there is a correlation between lying and the release of the brain chemical oxytocin, one of our innate ‘feel good' hormones. When we have elevated levels of oxytocin, we are more likely to lie to avoid losing that feeling of a natural high. There are several documented reasons for lying, which fall into either the trend or defend category. They are as follows: 1- Defend oneself- these are lies made to avoid punishment or backlash for action or perceived action; 2- Defend others- these are lies made to avoid others being punished or attacked for their actions or perceived actions; 3- Tend to oneself- these are lies told to gain control of a situation or a person, lies told to avoid embarrassment or awkward social situations, or lies told to gain personal desires or win admiration; and 4- Tend to others- lies told to protect others’ secrets, to build other people up into greater figures than they are, and to maintain social facades. Lies don’t have to be earth-shattering, but when they become too big, it often becomes extremely difficult to keep a story straight. They say the best lies have an element of truth, and that seems to be the case. Lies often have

harsh consequences when they are discovered, so if you are going to be deceptive, be sure to be emotionally prepared to deal with any fallout. The fallout from Pinocchio’s lies manifested physically as a growing nose!

When Do Lies Become Deception? If you stop to think about lies, you’ll realize that they almost have a scale. A little white lie about not having a babysitter might get you out of going to a party, so that’s pretty low on the scale. But if you lie about not having a babysitter, but you don’t need one because you are lying about having a baby, now that’s a bit of a whopper. So where is the line? Small lies, or fibs, often don’t have many consequences. But larger lies, especially those that become compounded by repetition or addition, lead to a cycle of lying that eventually becomes destructive to self, others, or self. That cycle is most likely the definitive line between a lie and a deception. Deception comes in many forms- lying about work or life experience, lying about the state of your relationships, lies of omission, and even lies which are told so many times, the liar themselves believe them. If lies can cause so much psychological damage, why do people still insist on using them?

How Lies Apply In Real Life It goes back to that ‘tend or defend’ response. Let’s take a more in-depth look at why people could use lies for those purposes. The first reason on the list was to ‘defend oneself’. Self-preservation is a powerful thing. If you are in an abusive relationship, you might lie about where you’ve been to avoid being verbally or physically attacked, even if your location would be somewhere perfectly harmless in a healthy relationship. If your abuser thinks you were at the grocery store rather than having coffee with a friend, you’ve lied to protect yourself from abuse. The second reason was to defend others. This may follow closely a scenario like above, but perhaps it’s a mother lying to protect her children from a physically or emotionally abusive authority figure. Another scenario might be an older sibling taking the blame for misbehaving when it was really the younger sibling that caused a mess or broke something valuable. Friends or coworkers may lie to stick up for each other in situations that they might otherwise get in trouble for. The next item on the list about why people lie is to tend to themselves. There are many selfish reasons to lie, and it's probably the most common reason as well. People lie to take care of their own needs and desires, to get what they want from others. People lie because they want other people to like them, and so they exaggerate personal accomplishments and achievements to make themselves look better. We hear of this in cases of a transcript or resume fraud. Lies that people tell to tend to themselves also frequently are told, no maliciously, but with the intent of covering up an embarrassing situation or

avoid an awkward social interaction. These lies might be to hide a slip-up or to skip a party you don’t want to attend. While these are little white lies, you may still face a little backlash when your husband’s annoying cousin finds out you weren’t really too ill to attend her bridal shower two hours away. The last category of lie is the one that people tell to tend to others. This can mean being deceptive about liking someone’s new haircut or lying about how good someone is at their job to help them get a good reference. Lies that we tell to tend to others tend to be lies of a positive nature, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t be susceptible to the same negative impacts as the other types of lies.

Famous Instances of Deception Deception is one of the most ubiquitous methods are dark psychology. We see deception used in almost every era of human history. The Trojan horse is a fabulous example of the power of trickery and deceit. A whole population believed they were receiving a gift, and instead, ended up with a massacre. In the modern age, one of the largest stories to come out of a basis of deception is the rise and fall of Elizabeth Holmes and her health technology business Theranos. Holmes claimed to have invented a blood testing machine that could run full diagnoses with a minute amount of blood, primarily through a finger-stick. Holmes had her investors and board of directors completely fooled, and these weren’t some Joes off the street. Billionaire media mogul Rupert Murdoch, the Walton family of Wal-Mart fame, and the Davos family, founders of Amway, all fell prey to Holmes's deceptions as investors in her biotech firm. She even fooled many wellheeled and well-educated board members, including several former or future United States Presidential Cabinet members. Holmes's house of cards came tumbling down when it was revealed that her miraculous blood testing equipment was deeply flawed and may have even risked the health of the people who'd relied on it. Before her lies being discovered, Holmes had managed to accumulate a net worth of $4.5 billion, all of which is gone today. Holmes somehow hoodwinked some of the biggest scientific and entrepreneurial names in the country and all over the world. Now that's some serious deception!

The Art of Crafting a Good Lie Telling a lie and selling a lie are two completely different things. Everyone knows when a preschooler is lying about who painted the living room wall. But when it’s time to practice deception, how do you put together a story that’s believable and watertight? To tell an effective lie, it must be in part based on truth. It will be easier to remember, and you'll have a defense that you only bent the truth, not outright lied, should you get caught. You also should make your lie as simple as possible; to have fewer details to potentially mess up. If you have time to create your deception, practice telling it. It will come out much more naturally when it's time to tell it. You shouldn’t try to include anyone else in your lies-the more people who know what’s happening, the greater chance of you getting caught. Lies and secrets are best kept to yourself. You should keep things brief and talk in your normal tone of voice when you deliver your lie. Make sure your body language and eye contact match your words and be sure that you could convince yourself of what you’re trying to say. Once you’ve told your lie, destroy any evidence. If you made a social media post, delete it. If you wrote something down, make sure you get rid of the piece of paper. Most importantly, don’t compound your lie with another lie. If you get caught, it’s probably best just to confess. Why? Because if you come clean and are honest, you’re less likely to get caught the next time.

Pants on Fire Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could catch someone in a lie because their pants went up in flames? Unfortunately, liar, liar, pants on fire isn't a real phenomenon. There are ways to tell if someone is lying, no flames involved. Watch someone's eyes when they speak to you; if they seem unable to make eye contact or are very fidgety, they may not be being truthful with you. Being able to spot a lie goes beyond fidgeting and shifty eyes, though. If someone has a delay in speech or a behavioral pause that they don’t normally exhibit, they may be lying to you. Some experts say that a telltale sign of lying is if someone who doesn’t normally touch their face or throat does so while speaking; likewise for playing with or running their fingers through their hair. Speech signals could also denote when someone is lying to you. If someone repeats very simple questions before answering you, they could be buying time to craft a false response. You should also take note of any vagueness or lack of details when asked a direct question. If you suspect you’re being lied to, ask the person to tell you their story again, but in reverse. The cognitive power it takes to remember a lie may make them slip up if they need to tell it out of order. While there is no foolproof way to determine if someone is lying to you, use these tips and go with your gut, and you’ll find that you’ll improve your chances of ratting out a liar. Don’t discount your instincts, they can tell you more than body language or speech patterns ever will.

Chapter 5: Mind Control

The History of Mind Control and Its Effects Today When reflecting on the history of mind control, you may think of brainwashing techniques used in prison camps and dangerous cults that have such a detrimental effect on people’s minds to the point of permanent harm or death. Headlines of mass suicide or long-term psychological impairment, Stockholm syndrome, or post-traumatic stress disorder may also come to mind. In everyday life, mind control is just as prevalent as always, though we may not always be aware of it or recognize the signs. The effects of mind control are not always obvious, and often, they influence our decisions, thoughts, and feelings in ways that we are not always aware of. Throughout history, mind control has been used as a means to instill fear and produce obedience among groups of people and can also be used within smaller groups or between individuals to yield powerful control over someone.

When this happens, the power dynamic becomes severely

imbalanced in favor of the manipulator(s). In countries or regions where people have very little freedom or liberty, certain regimes may have a stronghold over their citizens, by using the threat of imprisonment, punishment and other withholding fundamental rights as a result? Severe impoverishment and lack of proper food and water can often keep people in fear of disobedience or speaking out, for fear they may lose what little they have access to for their families and communities. Today, mind control is widespread as it has always been. It occurs worldwide within governments, organizations, and between smaller groups

and individuals. In many ways, it’s more obvious and present than ever, though we often ignore the signs. Commercial influence and the ability to convince people to buy products they don’t need are powerful, especially when people are willing to go into debt or sacrifice their hard-earned income for something less important. Some forms of media and publications may often broadcast or publish certain headlines and events more often than others to provoke a sense of fear or urgency about home invasion or public safety. They may use emotive words and phrases to evoke responses of fear or shock, which causes people to live more cautiously and carefully, without deviating from the “norm.”

What are the Signs of Mind Control? Like manipulation, mind control aims to persuade and influence a person or people’s ways of thinking, acting, and behaving to gain a benefit. When people are easily influenced and manipulated, they become more susceptible to practicing or doing things that would normally not consider as an option. The effect or success of mind control can vary depending on the techniques used, the target(s) and the environment. These factors, among others, play an important role in how successful and powerful mind control can be and also provide information on how to spot these signs before they develop further:

Isolation This may seem like a severe case of solitary confinement, though isolation can refer to simply keeping you from friends and family. This tactic is often used by an abusive partner or spouse to keep their partner away from the comfort and support of friends and family. Isolation can be psychological, in that the manipulator will gradually convince you that one or two family members are trying to control you when they are the one doing the controlling. Over time, if they are successful in persuading you that your family is deceptive or manipulative, they may continue to target friends and co-workers or acquaintances as well, telling you there is something wrong with them, or making you feel as though your friends are insincere, jealous or not truly worthy of your friendship. After a while, friendships and family members fade into the background, and you find yourself more emotionally dependent on the person practicing these mind control techniques. Isolation can effectively keep you from seeking help when you finally realize the dangers of being left alone with someone who does not have your best interest at heart. Recognizing the early signs of someone or an organization to isolate you from others, even subtly, is vital to avoiding a long-term disaster. Any type of discredit or negativity towards good friends and family should be regarded as a possible sign of control. This tactic will usually occur early in a relationship, where the manipulator realizes a strong bond between you and others. They see this as a threat to their ability to control you and will do anything in their power to break these relationships to keep you vulnerable to their

will. If a group or organization appear inclusive and friendly yet questions the nature of your personal relationships and friendships, it’s a sure sign they are seeking to gain more control of your life.

Mood Swings and Erratic Behavior If your partner becomes easily agitated or angry when you disagree with them or makes you feel unworthy of their affection for expressing an honest opinion, they are grooming you to bend to their will. For the manipulator, there is little or no room for any variance in opinion or thought. They will only accept complete submission and agreement. Anything less will result in erratic mood swings and unpredictable behaviors. In extreme cases, some manipulative people become violent or aggressive. The very threat of this possibility will convince their victims to remain obedient simply out of fear. Recognizing severe changes in mood or emotion, especially when there is no reason or event to trigger the change, is a good reason to avoid someone. Over time, this behavior will escalate and become worse, especially once you discover their tactic and need to escape their manipulate grasp.

No Compromises Mind control, when effective, requires complete and total obedience. There is no room for other thoughts or compromising. In a healthy relationship, all opinions expressed are regarded with respect, even if disagreements or debates are surrounding certain topics. Not allowing another person to express their thoughts without ridicule or judgment can convince them that they are not worthy or compromise. It is also a form of psychological and emotional abuse. This is an easier sign to recognize when even the smallest of decisions or ideas are bent to the will of the manipulator. This can mean anything from choosing a restaurant for dinner or film to watch, which later affects more significant decisions, such as a mortgage or starting a family. Knowing when to spot a lack of compromise can save you a lot of grief later in life, especially where a long-term relationship may form.

Who Uses Mind Control? Organizations, High Control Groups, and People We Know and Encounter in Everyday Life Who uses mind control, and for what purpose? Many people who are susceptible to the influence of mind control don’t often realize they are. There are different people (individuals) and groups that employ mind and thought-control techniques for a variety of reasons. Understanding their purpose also provides a good explanation for why certain techniques are used and how to recognize them. When we encounter everyday situations, from commuting to work or school, shopping in a grocery store or running errands, we may experience a form of influence or covert manipulation through a sales pitch or billboard ad, without realizing its effect. If we stopped every time, we noticed an ad, a promotion, a person or representative attempting to “pitch” a sale or ask for a donation, we would then realize how bombarded our mind is with persuasion. In reality, only certain ads or people will catch our attention, while others will slip away.

Chapter 6: Body Language If you want to make sure you know what a person feels just by looking at her face, maybe it's time to understand a little more about body reading, which is nothing more than to realize that gestures and positions also have a lot to say - much more than you can imagine. To give you an idea, 55% of the information a person relays when communicating comes from body language. This body reading thing is so curious that it is interesting to highlight some of the many types of research already done addressing the theme: Did you know, for example, that psychopaths can detect vulnerability only by analyzing the way a person walk? Another study suggests that it is possible to understand what a politician thinks about a particular subject solely based on his hands. Possible?

How to "Read" Someone Typically, you are wondering how one person interprets the other through body language. You must be aware of the unconscious signals issued by your interlocutor, without them knowing that they are being analyzed. The three key points of body language are: Speech and Behavior: To tell if a person feels emotionally attuned to you, notice if they use the same words as you; they speak in a tone and at a speed similar to the ones you use to talk; if they are sitting in the same position as you. If the conversation continues at a pace that makes it sound like a "follow the master" game, the emotional connection between both of you is adequately established; Levels of agitation and activity: If the person does not move, he or she has little interest in what you have to say however if they run out after the meeting, it indicates that they are excited. Several surveys have already confirmed that when a woman swings her feet while on a romantic date, she probably likes the man she is with. Emphasis and timing: The term "timing" means that the person is speaking or doing the right thing at the right time. If in addition to having a schedule for the relevant comments, the person emphasizes specific points, it means that they are focused and controlled. On the other hand, a person that does not show security in what he speaks, due to lack of timing and emphasis, is easily manipulated. Still, on the quest for excellence in body language, you need to pay close attention to the interlocutor. In that sense, there are biases that you must analyze to improve your ability to perceive:

Think of the context: Would people in this situation act in the same way that the person who is talking to you is acting? Look for joint, non-isolated actions: Do not focus on just one detail or gesture. Always observe the entire body.

Compare: How Does This Person Act Normally? Know that your prejudices can deceive you. To understand the other, you need to understand yourself: see if you are not drawing conclusions because you like or because you do not like the person. The way the human body communicates is often the subject of research, and scientists have come up with some rather curious specific conclusions about body language: Crossed legs are a bad sign during negotiations. It sounds bizarre, but business meetings end better when no one is cross-legged. Just to give you an idea, the analysis of 2,000 meetings showed that none of them ended well when at least one person was cross-legged. Want to know if someone is lying or betraying your trust? Notice that during a conversation the person has these four attitudes: he leans on his hand, he leans on his face, he crosses his arms and he maintains a posture that is tilted somewhere, not erect. These isolated signs do not amount to much, but when presented together, they probably indicate lies and/or betrayal;

On the other hand, research has already proven that trustworthy people are emotionally expressive. Trust someone who is pleasing to all people, and not just to a specific group.

Concerning the hands: Gestures made with the palms down indicate power and the opposite is submission. Men and women use different body languages at the time of seduction. Women start smiling, raising their eyebrows, lowering their eyelids quickly, and then look away. Next, almost without exception, they place their hands close to their mouths and smile or lick their lips.

Men, on the other hand, inflame the chest, jut their chin, arch their backs, make gestures with their hands and arms and make movements that can demonstrate confidence and call attention to their power. The fact is that if you want to read the body language, you need to avoid falling into some common traps; after all, crossed arms do not always mean lack of interest. Here are a few common mistakes made by people trying to gauge how others communicate by gesture: You cannot ignore the context: The idea that someone is with crossed arms does not mean that he or she is not interested. It could be that they are in an icy environment or if the chair in which he or she is sitting does not have an armrest. Notice the entire picture: Some people become obsessed with the idea of body reading and end up focusing only on one point of analysis, when, in fact, the ideal scenario would be to observe the entire situation: if the person is sweating, how is the breath, if they touch their face and so on;

Realize standard behaviors: If a person is always bouncing, you do not need to analyze it. Now if the person is always bouncing and, from one moment to another, the behavior changes, then you need to pay attention; Stay tuned for these details: just know that if you already like or dislike a person, it will affect the judgment you make of them. If the person compliments you or if you find her attractive, maybe your judgments about them are favorable, even if you do not realize it - things of the human unconscious. So, did you already know that body language may end up revealing some information that we do not make clear through words?

Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication Body language tells who we are, how we feel or what our tastes are. In the interaction, the nonverbal behavior also informs our degree of understanding and level of agreement, and can even deny what we are saying at that moment. Unfortunately, in real life it does not happen as on the screen of our browser: no alert message reminds us that cookies will take advantage of any oversight to deliver valuable information about us, something that will inevitably affect the way we relate to others. And even if we were warned, we would probably act as we do when surfing the web: we would ignore cookies and continue looking for the next website. Big mistake! Speaking is much more than gathering words in a more or less fortunate way; listening is much more than hearing and communicating is much more than sending and receiving data packets. To communicate is to share rational and emotional information, agreeing with the other person on its meaning and value. And that is not fully achieved without the intervention of nonverbal behavior. Speaking and body language accompanies us long before we become humans, is strongly linked to the emotional, intuitive and instinctive part of our brain, and develops mainly on the unconscious plane. Perhaps our species is not more than 200,000 years old, but the origin of our body language dates back to the appearance of the first mammals, about 300 million years ago. The age difference is abysmal. And although the arrogance of our brand-new neo-cortex invites us to think that nonverbal behavior is the most primitive part of communication, in reality, it is that

which accumulates the most evolutionary experience and, in all probability, the most influential in our behavior.

Tips

to

Improve

Your

Non-Verbal

Communication These practical tips are the first step to become aware of your body language and improve your way of communicating with others. The instinct and emotions are faithful friends since long before the reason was born. As intelligent and rational as we are, the truth is that nonverbal behavior, emotions, and the unconscious handle our way of communicating at will and go around telling everything about us.

Who Are the Best Non-Verbal Communicators? Precisely for this reason, the best non-verbal communicators are those who are aware of their body language, people capable of monitoring their behavior and of calibrating the effect it produces on others. There is no exact profile scientifically established, although they are usually observers, with a broad perspective, and open to new experiences and realities. Traits such as emotional stability and empathy also help. It may be easier to recognize them in the world of art and communication, but they are equally common in all professions. Some studies show that the most influential and persuasive people have a great awareness of their own and other people's body language, regardless of the professional field in which they have triumphed. It is a fundamental condition for success. Becoming a good nonverbal communicator requires, therefore, developing self-awareness of body behavior, in the same way, that elite athletes perfect the condition of their muscles. The good news is that both skills can be developed with training. In addition, we can do it on our own, and at any time and circumstance. It's a matter of concentration and to focus attention on the main channels of body language, seeking its congruence and synchronicity with words.

The 7 Channels of Body Language Nonverbal behavior is expressed mainly through seven channels that, together with verbal discourse, makeup communication. Facial Expressions: Facial expressions are the most powerful emotional indicator and the first thing we focus our attention to when interacting. Within fractions of a second, our emotional brain decides at its own risk whether a face is likable or not, a process in which reason does not intervene initially, and in which there is no time to utter a single word. In the face, the seven basic emotions are reflected in an innate and universal way: joy, surprise, sadness, fear, anger, disgust, and contempt. Each one has its own code. Learn to distinguish them, essential to master body language. Gestures: The gestures have a high cultural component, although the latest lines of research also investigate the genetic origin of some gestures, such as expressions of pride, triumph, and power. Posture: The body posture expresses a degree of interest and openness towards people, reflected in the exposure and in the orientation of the torso. Visually, the position also has a great impact on our personal image, especially to convey confidence, stability, and security. Appearance: Appearance continues to be one of the most influential channels of communication, despite social advances and the normative effort in the fight for equality. The appearance of a person tells us about their age, sex, origin, culture, profession, or social and economic condition, among many other data. As much as we try to avoid stereotypes, appearance is still the main source of information when forming the first impression of someone. And you know, there is not a second chance to

make a good first impression. Some studies also credit the influence of appearance on persuasions, such as the uniform in the security forces or the white coat in the case of doctors. Haptic: Haptic defines the scientific study of touch and its influence on the way we relate. Touch is essential when establishing intimacy, denotes commitment, and reveals very sensitive information, such as the position of the domain in the interaction. Recent research shows, even, the power of touch when influencing the behavior of others, as occurs between doctors and patients. Physical contact has a marked cultural component: in Latin and Arab countries it is much greater, for example, than in North America or Japan. A brief and light touch in "uncommitted" areas of the body (arms, shoulders and upper back) can be definitive to establish a good relationship. Proxemics: It is the most direct channel of body language at the time of coming close or going distant. Proxemics has its origin in anthropology and informs us of the use of space in interaction. Some authors divide the distance between individuals in intimate (-45 cms), personal (between 45 cms and 120 cms), social (+120 cms) and public (+360 cms), depending on the type of relationship. The truth is that each person has their own space, and can also vary according to their mood or environmental circumstances. The important thing is two things:

st - The simplest way to show us close is to physically approach our

1

interlocutor;

nd - We must pay close attention to any sign of discomfort generated by

2

our approach. Paralanguage: Voice can say much more than words. Paralanguage is the most reliable emotional indicator, along with facial expressions. The volume, tone or speed of our voice reveals important information, especially when we try to hide our emotions. It often happens to us, for example, when talking on the phone with very close people: it is enough to listen to their tone when answering to know that something is not right. The voice also has a huge influence on credibility and persuasion: nasal voices, high pitched tones, and high volumes have less credit in public. And remember: silence also communicates. Other channels such as chronémica and oculésica specialize in the value that time and eyes have in non-verbal communication, although both are characterized by their transversal nature and are present in most of the seven main channels.

Chapter 7: NLP Neuro-Linguistic Programming has to do with the study of thoughts (neuro) and language (linguistic) in a systemic way and the scripts that run the life of an individual (programming). It deals with the understanding and the development of the mind and the entire understanding of the language of the mind in relation to the way it is designed to function and the ways in which it is molded by the personal experiences of an individual. It is simply a study of a person's subjective reality. A proper understanding of the language of the mind influences every aspect of a person’s life from his relationship with others to his communication skills with friends and clients to the general outcome of a person’s life. It is a holistic study that puts the spirit, body, past and present of an individual into consideration.

As Homo sapiens who are gifted with the ability to think, it is presumed that our most important function is the thought or the thinking function. NLP, however, brings one to the understanding of the fact that no thought process exists in a vacuum, as they are a product of a person's perspective. It has a presupposition of perception as reality and it holds that the things, we think are colored by the way we think. For different individuals there are different ways of thinking and interpreting reality. What NLP does is assist in the understanding of these various representational systems to help each person narrow down his own system. It helps in the understanding of the three different types of thinking patterns which are:

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Visual: deals with both pictures and visual metaphors.

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Auditory: sound (hearing).

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Kinesthetic: deals with the five senses, as well as gut feelings.

In NLP, a person is thought to take absolute control of his mind and ultimately his life. Unlike what is obtainable in psychoanalysis, which places its focus on “why,” NLP presents a more practical approach with its focus on the “how.”

How NLP Works If you are just coming across this topic for the first time, NLP may appear or seem like magic or hypnosis. When a person is undergoing therapy, this topic digs deep into the unconscious mind of the patient and filters through different layers of beliefs and the person's approach or perception of life to deduce the early childhood experiences that are responsible for a behavioral pattern. In NLP, it is believed that everyone has the resources that are needed for positive changes in their own lives. The technique adopted here is meant to help in facilitating these changes. Usually, when NLP is taught, it is done in a pyramidal structure. However, the most advanced techniques are left for those multi-thousand-dollar seminars. An attempt to explain this complicated subject is to state that the NLPer (as those who use NLP will often call themselves) is always paying keen attention to the person they are working on/with. Usually, there is a large majority of NLPers that are therapists and they are very likely to be well-meaning people. They achieve their aims by paying attention to those subtle cues like the movement of the eyes, flushing of the skin, dilation of the pupil and subtle nervous tics. It is easy for an NLP user to quickly determine the following: The side of the brain that the person uses predominantly. The sense (smell, sight, etc.) that is more dominant in a person’s brain. The way the person’s brain stores and makes use of information (the NLPer can deduce all this from the person’s eye movement).

When they are telling a lie or concocting information. When the NLP user has successfully gathered all this information, they begin to mimic the client in a slow and subtle manner by not only taking on their body language, but also by imitating their speech and mannerisms, so that they begin to talk with the language patterns that are aimed at targeting the primary senses of the client. They will typically fake the social cues that will easily make someone let their guard down so that they become very open and suggestible. For example, when a person’s sense of sight is their most dominant sense, the NLPer will use a language that is very laden with visual metaphors to speak with them. They will say things like: “do you see what I am talking about?” or “why not look at it this way?” For a person that has a more dominant sense of hearing, he will be approached with an auditory language like: “listen to me” or “I can hear where you’re coming from.” To create a rapport, the NLPer mirrors the body language and the linguistic patterns of the other person. This rapport is a mental and physiological state which a human being gets into when they lose guard of their social senses. It is done when they begin to feel like the other person who they are conversing with is just like them. Once the NLPer have achieved this rapport, they will take charge of the interaction by leading it in a mild and subtle manner. Thanks to the fact that they have already mirrored the other person, they will now begin to make some subtle changes in order to gain a certain influence on the behavior of the person. This is also combined with some similar subtle language patterns which lead to questions and a whole phase of some other techniques.

At this point, the NLPer will be able to tweak and twist the person to whichever direction they so desire. This only happens if the other person can’t deduce that there is something going on because they assume everything that is occurring is happening organically or that they have given consent to everything. What this means is that it is quite hard to make use of NLP to get other people to act out of character, but it can be used to get a person to give responses within their normal range of character. This may come in the form of getting them to donate to a charitable cause, or finally making the decision they had been putting off or getting them to go home with you for the night if they had considered it at some previous point. At this point, what the NLP user seeks to do may be to either elicit or anchor. When they are eliciting, they make use of both leading and language to get the person to an emotional state of say, sadness. Once they can elicit this state, they can then lead it on with a physical cue by touching the other person's shoulder for example. According to theory, whenever the NLP user touches the person's shoulder in the same manner, the same emotional state will resurface if they do it again. However, this is only made possible by the successful conditioning of the other person. When undergoing NLP therapy, it is very possible for the therapist to adopt a content-free approach, which means the therapist can work effectively without taking a critical look at the problem or without even knowing about the problem at all. This means that there is room for privacy for the client as the therapist does not really need to be told about whichever event took place or whatever issue happened in the past.

Also, prior to the commencement of the therapy, there is an agreement which ensures that the therapist cannot disclose any information; hence the interaction between the therapist and the client remains confidential. In NLP, there is the belief in the need for the perfection of the nature of human creation, so every client is encouraged to recognize the sensitivity of the senses and make use of them in responding to specific problems. As a matter of fact, NLP also holds the belief that it is possible for the mind to find cures to diseases and sicknesses. The techniques employed by NLP have to do with a noninvasive, medicinefree therapy that enables the client to find out new ways of handling emotional issues such as low self-esteem, lack of confidence, anxiety and destructive relationship patterns. It is also a successful tool in effective bereavement counseling. With its roots in the field of behavioral science, which was developed by Skinner, Pavlov and Thorndike, NLP makes use of the combination physiology and the unconscious mind to bring about change in the thought process and ultimately the behavior of a person.

The Importance of NLP Neuro-Linguistic Programming is not only necessary for the understanding of a person's being, but it also helps in the understanding of the way an individual is. It helps a person to get deep into the root cause of the problem, as well as the foundation of their being. Here are some other reasons why NLP is important: ●

It helps people take responsibility for the things that they feel they may

not be able to control. With the help of NLP, it is possible for a person to change the way they react to events of the past and have a certain level of control over their future. ●

It is very important for people to be aware of the body language of the

members of their inner circle, as well as those who they seek to do business with. With NLP, it is possible to make use of language with both control and purpose, and with this it is possible to have control over your life. Remember, you cannot expect to make the same mistakes using the same mindset and hope to get different results. During an NLP session, the focus is placed entirely on the client as they are made the subject. This helps a lot because at the point where a person can deal with his or herself as a person, they gain more clarity into his or her dealings with other people. ●

It helps to improve finance, sales performance, marriage, health issues,

parenting, customer service and every other aspect and phase of life. This is because it helps in the holistic improvement of an individual and when a person is whole, his interactions and relationship with himself and other people become whole as well.

●

It assists in targeting your beliefs, thoughts and values and helps with

the targeting of a person’s brain functions, as well as developing certain behaviors. It also shapes the way these behaviors metamorphoses into habits and how the habits change to actions which in turn comes as results. NLP is applicable in different vocations and professions. This is a tool that is very important in the mastery of sales, personal development experts and self-help, teaching, communication, parenting and other facets of life.

Chapter 8: Brainwashing

The Dark psychology of brainwashing Today, we are bombarded with mind control techniques daily. There are many different types and levels of mind control. We will go over an overview of the types, and we'll talk about some examples of them. There are three basic levels of mind control. Each level corresponds with a different type of psychology. So far no technology can control what you choose to believe. So We will talk about the methods to defend it, and we will also look at some of the implications that it have on civilizations. Mind control skills are used against for the obvious reason, whether it’s politically or scientifically speaking. Simply by existing in a society, we are constantly subject to manipulation sway or indoctrination. The first-level appeals to consciousness. The second level corresponds to unconsciousness, and the last level appeals to biological. Now in terms of psychology, the first one consciousness has to do cognitive psychology. Cognitive means being aware of what's going on. The second one is unconsciousness, which corresponds with behavioral psychology and while the last one is biological psychology, which talks about psychiatry. This is where you can try to control the mind using physical things like drugs and electrical shock. Every mind control technique fits into its own methods. Some of the mind-control technique will fit into one of these levels while some mind techniques will fit in between two of them. But every mind control technique fits inside the sun part of the chart. Now let us talk about the different levels of my control and what fits in between.

The conscious level The first level is the Conscious level. The cognitive mind-control level; this level is the level that deals with information. It does not talk about punishment or physical pain. It appeals to your reason. The basic forms of this are education and ideological indoctrination. A good example of this is when you get your driver's license. You take to decide to take fighting classes, and you learn the rules of the road, and the intention is to make you behave a certain way when you are driving. Now, most people don't have a problem with this because if you don't behave a certain way when you drive, then you will have a problem. So ideological indoctrination is the worldview and your philosophy, and what you're educated in, in your worldview. So this includes your political choice, your education, your religious education, and even your science education. Now this means how do you view the World, and by what you were dictated by. Now at this level, you have to mention the fact, which means information. Now because propaganda has been abused in the past, people normally have a negative view of it. Now the basic idea is that somebody wants you to view the world in a certain way, so they are educating you to do so. Propaganda is just information control. Now information control isn't that bad. For instance, have you ever seen a billboard that says that 50000 people die when driving and drinking? Now that is propaganda, and it is not bad. Hitler used propaganda to educate Germany into the idea that all Germany problem was because of the Jews. Now that is bad propaganda.

The Unconscious or behavioral psychology Now let's look at the next level of mind control, which is unconscious or behavioral psychology. This does not appeal to the Conscious mind. It is an attempt to control somebody without his or her conscious decision being involved. The biggest school of psychology is behavioral psychology that comes from Pablo psychology. A great example of that is the story of the man that ring the bell for the dog to salivate that we talked about above. So this deals with stimulus-response. Stimulus means when something happens – in the man and the dog case, it’s ringing the bell. Response - in the man and the dog case, is the dogs salivating. Now, this does not appear to be a conscious mind. The dog did not decide to salivate; they just did it automatically. Now unlike the Conscious level, this level often includes physical pain, punishment, and torment. For instance, you can implant a commanding chip in somebody so that when they hear the command, which is the stimulus, they will go and do something, which is the response. It is a stimulus-response. The person that is programmed to do that thing doesn't decide to do it because it is an automatic response, and in fact, he doesn't even know that he is being programmed because that thing is in the subconscious. It is at this point that we have hypnosis, and the reason why it’s so is that hypnosis is implanted commands into the subconscious. For instance, there is the operator that says when I say bubble gum bark like a dog. So the stimulus is the bubblegum, whereas the response is the barking like a dog. Or the operator says when I snap my fingers, you should act like a stripper. So he snaps his fingers, which is the stimulus, and

acting like a stripper is the response. Creating a stimulus-response mechanism is called conditioning. Part of the conditioning is programming somebody to associate pain or pleasure with something. Now another part of this level is called punishment. Punishment is an attempt to make somebody associate pain with undesirable behavior. Now let’s if you have a kid and the kid flicks the switch off. Now on the Conscious level, you could sit your child down and explain to the child why it is wrong, and hopefully, your child would make the decision not to do it again. Now on the unconscious level, you can beat the hell out of the child until the child tends to associate pain with switching the switch off and hope and hope that doesn't do it again. Now behaviorism is an attempt to control somebody's behavior like the way you train a dog using the rewards and punishments. Now the cognitive approach is the best, and this is the level where we have brainwashing, or interrogation. And you will do this using physical pain to control someone. Now another note about brainwashing is that it has the word washing, which means to wipe something away and to wash it away. The word brainwashing comes from a technique that was used in China, which is called political re-education. The idea is that when you want to wash something away, you put something else in its place. In the MK-ultra program, the psychiatrist called it de-patterning. Now when you take somebody from their religion and use mind control techniques, you will be able to wipe out their religious beliefs and put another belief in his place. This is called programming. So under brainwashing, we have political re-education, we have the patterning, and we also have religious education or de-programming.

Biological psychology Now the last level is Biology, which equates to biological psychology or psychiatrist. Now at this level, you are attempting to control someone’s behavior through physical interventions. Physical interventions include brain surgery, drugs, electrical shock, or implanting something into the brain. Now for the child that flipped the switch off, the cognitive approach will be sitting the child down and explain to him why is wrong now. The behavioral approach will be to spank him, and the biological approach will be to give him a psychotic drug. Or a remote control robot. Now those are the basic levels. Many different types of mind control techniques that fit into these levels, but we will not be going deep into them. Now in between the Conscious and unconscious levels, there are different levels to control somebody's behavior, and we are constantly subjected to this daily. One of these techniques is public relations, and it is aimed to make you feel a certain way about something. Now, this is not to just make you feel good about something. It can make bad about a competitor, a group, or a person. And it is called Black public relations. Now another mind control technique is marketing and advertisement. There is a reason why half-naked girls hold a can of beer. Another mind control technique that falls between the Conscious and unconscious level of mind control is pandering, and the word pandering means to fulfill a moral desire. A prostitute pandas to a sexual desire. A drug dealer pandas to an addiction. So what this means is that you're controlling someone by giving them what they want. Now under pandering, future control by destruction is included, and that includes television, pornography, and video games. And another

mind-control technique on the biological level is addiction. Manipulative people keep their victims to them by making them addicted to drugs. And beyond that, there is a reason why caffeine has been added to soft drinks, and there is a reason why energy has been added to fast food, and there is a reason why sugar is added to almost everything in the grocery store, it’s because it is a type of mind control. Now the last technique, which is at the very bottom and is when you give up on trying to control the person's mind and you restrain them. An example is a straightjacket, institutionalization, imprisonment, and heavy tranquilizer. Now, if everything fails and you can't control the person's mind, there is still something left, and that thing is to shoot the person. So that is basically what dark psychology brainwashing is all about

Chapter 9: Mind Games First, having gone through in what constitutes body language, the role of body language and how to read body language then it is important that one learns on ways of benefitting from reading the body language of people. In this context, the benefit realized from reading the body language of people is not to torment or use people but rather to enhance your interests that are acceptable such as increasing business deals. Secondly, mind control refers to a context where one is taken advantage of and appears not to have the mental willpower to understand or control what is happening to him or others. Even though mind control may involve hypnotizing, it mostly occurs without using hypnosis. One of the ways of controlling the mind of another person is to mirror their body language and create a communication rhythm making the person feel connected to you. People that employ mind control are seeking short-term or instant gains, especially by controlling your emotions and how you react to their emotions. From an ethical viewpoint, mind control largely qualifies as unethical. The moral question arises because one is tapping into the weaknesses of the target person to accomplish your interests. For instance, one can mind control you to make sell an insurance package that you do not need, but the seller needs to be paid. A partner may mind control to enhance loyalty levels in the relationship, which may not be what you are genuinely feeling. As such, with mind control, the question of ethicality dominates the application of mind control.

Fortunately, through understanding body language, one can detect an attempt for controlling their minds and activate defensive measures. First, take note of attempted body language reading to win over a difficult customer or person. At one point, you have encountered a difficult person to understand and get along with despite the best of your efforts. Armed with body language reading competencies, you can correctly analyze their tone, posture, touch, eye contact, and facial expressions to connect with the individual correctly. Similarly, a person trying to control your mind will try to read all these body language cues. For instance, they will employ paralinguistic skills; try to strike a rapport with the person. Some customers are defensive, but if you are armed with, body language reading skills, then you will easily manage to manipulate them to your advantage. Similarly, the manipulating individual will try to apply these tactics on you. For instance, the manipulating person will try to read if you speak in high-pitched voice, then probably the customer is angry or frustrated by workload or other life issues. Using this knowledge, you can predict how the manipulating person will react to your voice pitch. Secondly, most manipulators target negative feedback and negative emotions because this is where most people show weakness and create room for mind control. A manipulator will exploit body language to create perceptions of care, love, and sympathy as well as empathy that most people fall for during their challenging moments. By realizing that you are most vulnerable to manipulation when processing negative news and negative emotions, you will be able to manifest high mental awareness levels.

Expectedly, most manipulators that want mind control will seek to precipitate conflict and take advantage of the festering differences. However, by learning and applying effective conflict resolution can be realized by reading the body language of the target person. Assuming that you are an arbiter in a conflict, you should read the body language of the feuding parties to discover any shared ground and the emotive issues. Individuals will show panic, uneasiness, and stiffness when emotive issues are raised such as grinning, crossing arms, breathing fast, and showing cold stare. Individuals will nod if something they agree to is mentioned. They may also stamp their feet, clap hands, and shake hands to show a willingness to talk or strike a compromise. An arbiter will use reading body language to identify hardliners and use body language to thaw the hard stance of such people. The participants themselves can also read the body language of the other party and appreciate their stance and attempt to initiate meaningful conversation. All these combined efforts will give one an edge in solving conflicts. Furthermore, watch out for attempts to make conversations interesting. We also would like to enliven conversations, but it is not always the case, and manipulators understand this. One effective way that manipulators use is to improve how other people perceive them is to understand their status and adjust your words and body language. For instance, if a manipulator reads the body language of the other person and realizes that, he or she is feeling disinterested or exhausted; he or she can suggest a break or crack a joke. Through eye contact, you can make the other person feel recognized and wanted to join in the conversation. If the entire group or audience feels disinterested in the conversation by yawning, slouching on their chairs,

crossing their legs, and losing eye contact, then the speaker should conduct a quick self-feedback and adjust the communication. It is important to watch out for deliberate attempts to make you attached to the conversation. Relatedly, taking advantage of reading body language can help one to recognize any dishonesty and pretense in a conversation and help you notice the lack of honesty from the manipulator. Focusing on verbal communication alone is not enough to accurately determine if one is pretending. For instance, your child may say that he is comfortable going out to play while his body language suggests otherwise. For instance, the child could be replying in a high-pitched voice and laugh sarcastically that he or she is comfortable going out to play. The parent will use this body language to address the true feeling of the child. In an intimate relationship, determining the true emotional status of your partner is critical for peaceful and constructive interaction. For instance, if your partner states that she believes you, but her voice is high-pitched, and she is throwing gestures randomly, then chances are that she does not, and, in fact, she is angry with you. Relatedly exploiting body language reading can make one make a good first impression, and you should critically analyze the first impression. A good first impression is critical when selling, during an interview, and when seeking a life partner. Armed with reading body language one can deliberately enhance positive body language such as nodding to a speech, using gestures when necessary and speaking in a low-pitched voice to sound professional. When one feels tired and wants to shuffle feet or lower eye contact, one can compensate for that by interrupting the speaker to ask a question or take notes. Expectedly, one will offer a firm handshake and

accompany it with a smile. Making a good first impression can improve and open opportunities for you in the case of negotiation, interviews, making sales, and seeking a marriage partner. Furthermore, taking advantage of the body language can help one to correctly identify issues in a relationship by analyzing body language. Apart from just reading the body language and improving social and intimate relationships, one can also use reading body language to determine the presence of issues in relationships, which includes identifying attempts of mind control. For instance, you might notice that when you talk on certain issues with your partner, his or her body language suggests defensiveness and anger. For this reason, reading the body language can help get to the underlying issue even in cases where the partner is determined not to open up. Using body language to identify issues can also help a parent to determine what is bothering a child in cases where the child retreats to its world. The parent can try talking over general issues as well as specific issues and watch the body language of the child to guess the issues or challenges that the child is facing. Equally important, effectively teaching or sharing ideas can be enhanced by reading the body language of the target audience. A manipulator will seek to adjust the experience to prioritize their needs rather than mutual needs. For instance, a teacher can improve understanding of the students by taking note of signs of lack of concentration such as yawning or staring at the ceiling. However, if the teacher wants to attain mind control, then he or she will manipulate the body language to prioritize only his or her needs over the others. Just like verbal communication, body language can also contain noise where the nonverbal cues of communication distort the intended

message. Outside the teaching context, one can improve on sharing ideas by reading the body language of the audience and evoking the desired emotion and reaction. For instance, one should ensure that the target audience is relaxed and alert by evaluating the sitting posture, eye contact, and facial expressions before starting a presentation. Sharing ideas effectively depends on accurate timing and actors, orators, and politicians understand this well. Finally, taking advantage of reading body language will lead to improved emotional intelligence and social skills to make one more appealing and understanding. Emotional intelligence involves being aware of how you feel and acknowledging how others feel to enhance mutual understanding. For this reason, body language is a critical avenue to read the emotional status of the other person. Emotional intelligence requires correctly reading the emotional status of an individual to enable you to empathize with how they feel. Against this backdrop, reading the body language of a target audience gives an added advantage to an individual to evoke and apply social skills as well as understand self-deeper. Think of speaking to a colleague and manifesting nonverbal cues that you are offended, but the person is not registering what you are feeling. In this context, effective communication will not only be hampered, but the social relationship will also be affected negatively.

Activity Watch the movie "The Wolfstreet" and observe how manipulation works Watch the movie "Get Hard" with lead actor Kevin Hart and assess if the hand gestures align with verbal communication. If possible, watch the entire movie and note the gestures and facial expressions exhibited when one is angry.

Chapter 10: Hypnotism Although brainwashing is a very common mind control method that so many people may already be aware of, there is also an important type of mind control that many people may be aware of. This is known as hypnosis and should be given as much importance as the others. Generally, most of those that know a thing or two about hypnosis get their knowledge from stage plays where the actors perform ridiculous acts. What is seen in plays is also a type of hypnosis, but there is a lot more to it than what is portrayed in these shows. Hypnosis, according to experts, comes from a state of consciousness dealing with focused attention and the reduction of awareness on the peripheral level, which deals with the ability of the participant to give a response to the suggestions that are given. What this entails is the participant transcending to an entirely different state of mind, making them more susceptible to taking and acting on all the suggestions that the hypnotist makes. There are two different theories that attempt to explain what really goes on during the period of hypnosis. The first is known as the altered-state theory. Those that belong to this school of thought are of the opinion that hypnosis is like a trance or a state of the mind where the target discovers that their state of awareness is different from what they would ordinarily notice when they are conscious. The second theory is the non-state theory, which is of the opinion that people who are hypnotized do not necessarily have to go into another state of consciousness. Those that belong to this school of

thought believe that the hypnotist works with the target to enact an imaginative role.

Image Source: Hypnosis And Suggestion

When a person is hypnotized, he learns to gain more concentration and focus that is combined with a newly learned ability to concentrate a great deal to a certain memory or thought. When they are in this state, the participant will be able to filter through and block any source of distraction. Those that are hypnotized are thought to be able to exhibit a high ability to respond to all the suggestions they receive, especially when the hypnotist is the source of that suggestion. The process used to get the target to enter the state of hypnosis is known as hypnotic induction and usually has to do with several suggestions and instructions that serve as a tool for warming up. Different experts hold different opinions concerning what the definition of hypnosis is. This wide range of definitions comes from the fact that there is an avalanche of circumstances that following the state of hypnosis. Two

different people cannot possibly have the same experience when they are being hypnotized. Below are some of these different definitions of hypnosis: ● Michael Nash says it is a special case of psychological regression. ● Ernest and Janet Hilgard, who have written extensively on the topic of hypnosis, say it is a way that the body detaches from itself into a different plane of consciousness. ● Two well-known social psychologists, Sarbin and Coe, use role theory as a term to describe hypnosis. In this definition, the participant is the one that plays the role of being hypnotized. They believe that the participants are not actually in a state of being hypnotized, rather, they are acting as though they are hypnotized. ●

Hypnosis is defined by T.X. Barber in non-hypnotic behavioral

parameters. In this definition, the participant is said to give a definition to the task motivation and then tag the situation they find themselves in as hypnosis since they do not have any other name for the state they are in. ● In some of Weitzenhoffer's writings on hypnosis, he described hypnosis as a state where a person's suggestibility is enhanced. In some of his more recent writings, he goes further to define hypnosis as an act where one person influences the other by exerting his influence on the other person with a suggestion as a medium or agency. ● In Brennan and Gill's definition, a psychoanalytic concept which is known as "regression in an ego's service" is used in describing the whole essence of hypnosis. In this definition, the target is very ready to submit

himself to a state of hypnosis because it helps to boost their ego and makes them feel better. ● Edmonston is of the belief that when a person enters a state of hypnosis, they are simply destressing in a state of relaxation. ● Spiegel and Spiegel also add their voice to the topic, stating that hypnosis has nothing to do with the biological capacity of the participant, as it is just something that happens. ● Erickson thinks that hypnosis is an altered, inner-directed and a special state where people function. According to him, the participant in a state of hypnosis will still can function and take note of things that are happening around them, but this is not as it is in their normal state since it is an altered state. When it comes to hypnosis, different people hold different opinions and views about the topic. There are those who think that hypnosis is a real phenomenon and they are often paranoid about the possibility of the government or other bodies trying to take control of their minds. Other people think that there is no such thing as hypnosis, so they think that it is merely slight of the hand. It is quite possible that hypnosis is a mind control tool that falls between the two schools of thought.

Induction: This is the first stage of hypnosis. It is the phase that happens before the participant fully goes into hypnosis. They are always introduced to a technique known as the hypnotic induction technique. Over many years, psychologists thought this was a tactic used in making the subject to go into a hypnotic trance. This definition has changed the view of some psychologists in modern times.

According to some of the non-state

theorists, this state can be viewed from a slightly different angle. According to them, this stage is one that heightens the expectations of the participants concerning the things that are going to happen. Here they try to give a definition to the role that they are going to play and try to get themselves to focus their attention in the right direction. This stage also puts the participant through any other step that will help him go in the right direction for hypnosis. There are many different induction techniques that are used during hypnosis but the most recognized and influential is Braid's ‘eye fixation' technique, otherwise known as Braidism. This approach has many different applications, including the Stanford Hypnotic Susceptibility Scale (SHSS), which is the most common tool when it comes to hypnosis. To make use of SHSS, you are required to follow a couple of steps. The first of these steps is to find an object that is bright, like a watch, then place it between your middle finger and your thumb finger in your left hand. It is best for you to hold this object about eight to fifteen inches away from the eyes of the person that is to be hypnotized. It should be placed anywhere above the person's forehead so that it can produce a lot of strain to their

eyelids and eyes during the process, and such that the participant will always be able to fix their gaze on the object. Make sure you tell the participants that they must stare at the object. They also need to create an idea for that object then focus their mind completely on that idea. They should not think of any other thing at this point or let their mind's eye drift to the thought of whether the process is going to be successful. If this is done properly, the eyes of the participants will begin to dilate after a short time, and within a little more time they will begin to move in a wavy motion. At the point when the middle and the forefingers of the left hand are moved away from the object, the participant is likely to close their eyes involuntarily. If this happens, it means that the participant has entered a trance. If they don’t, then the process will have to be repeated for the participant and they should be made aware that they are expected to close their eyes as soon as the fingers are moved in the same motion. This will then allow them to enter the hypnotic state. Although Braid stood firmly by this technique, he agreed that the use of the induction technique of hypnosis may not be required for every case. As a matter of fact, it was discovered recently that the induction technique does not have any effect on the hypnotic suggestion as experts were made to believe (Smith 2014). Over many years, there were some other variations and alternatives of the initial version of the hypnotic induction technique even though Braid's technique was regarded as the best.

Suggestion: This is the second phase of hypnosis which is known as the suggestion stage. It is worthy of note that at the point when Braid first talked about hypnosis, he didn't make any mention of the term “suggestion.” Rather, he referred to this second phase as the stage where the participant focuses their conscious mind on a dominant idea. Braid was able to do this by stimulating or reducing the function of the person's psychological functioning in different parts of the body of the participant. He later began to place even more emphasis on the possibility some verbal and non-verbal forms of suggestion to be able to get the participant's mind into a hypnotic state. This hypnotic state of the mind will include making use of “waking suggestions” and self-hypnosis. Hippolyte Bernheim, another popular hypnotist, also proceeded in making a shift on the emphasis of the physical state of the hypnosis process to the psychological process that has to do with verbal suggestions. According to him, the art of hypnotism is the induction of a certain physical condition that is spectacular and that will boost the susceptibility of any suggestion the hypnotist makes to the participant. Many times, the hypnotic state that is already induced is going to help in facilitating the suggestion the hypnotist makes. In modern hypnotism, a lot of different forms of suggestions are used to achieve success such as insinuations, metaphors, non-verbal or indirect suggestions, direct verbal suggestions and other similar figures of speech and suggestions that do not come in a verbal form. Some of these paralinguistic suggestions may be used during the suggestion stage and all have to do with manipulation, mental imagery and the voice tonality. One

of the differences in the types of suggestion that the participant will be offered includes the suggestions that are given with permission or the ones that are given in a more authoritarian manner. One of the major things that should be considered when it comes to the topic of hypnosis is the point of diversion between the conscious and the unconscious mind. For many hypnotists, the suggestion stage is viewed as a means of communication that is directed mostly towards the subject's conscious mind. There are some others who hold an opposing view to this though. According to these other hypnotists, there is a communication between the agent and the subconscious or unconscious mind. However, Bernheim, Braid and other hypnotists that existed in the Victorian age believed that any suggestion at all is delivered straight up to the consciousness of the participant's mind rather than the unconscious part of the mind. Braid further defines the act of hypnotism as the focused attention on either the suggestion or the idea that is more dominant. Most people fear that the hypnotists will have access to their subconscious state and will be able to influence them to do and think things that they will not be able to control. This fear is quite baseless as according to those that go with the train thought, it is simply not possible. When it comes to the different conceptions about the suggestion, the nature of the mind is also a determining factor. There are some people who hold the belief that the responses given are from the unconscious mind, such was the case of Milton Erickson. This brings up other cases of the use of indirect suggestions, like in stories or metaphors. Many of these indirect suggestions usually hide their intended meanings so that they can hide from the subject's conscious mind.

There is also a form of hypnosis known as a subliminal suggestion, which relies totally on the theory of the unconscious mind. If it is possible for the unconscious mind to be left out of hypnosis, it wouldn't be possible to have this kind of suggestion. However, it is quite easy to point out the differences between these two. For those that believe that the conscious mind is the primary recipient of the suggestion, stories and metaphors that have hidden meanings will be used. In any of the theories of thought, the subject will have to be able to place his focus on one idea or an object. This will help them to be moved in the direction that they need to go so that they will be able to enter a hypnotic state. As soon as the suggested state has been successfully entered, the participant will now be able to proceed to the third stage which is the susceptibility stage.

Susceptibility: Over the years, it was noted that different people have different reactions to hypnosis. There are people who find it easy to fall into the hypnotic trance and do not have to try very hard to fall into it. For other people, even though it may take a prolonged period, they will be able to get into hypnosis if they put in some effort. There are also other people that will not be able to get into the hypnotic trance, even with continued efforts. The interesting thing that researchers have discovered about the susceptibility of different subjects is that it remains a constant factor. A person that gets into the hypnotic trance easily will likely remain that way for the rest of their life. Similarly, A person that gets into the hypnotic trance with difficulty or one that has never reached the hypnotic state at all will most likely never be hypnotized. Over time, different models have been developed to determine the participant’s susceptibility to hypnosis. Some older depth scales have worked to make inferences on the level of the participant’s trance using the available signs that were observed. These signs include such things as amnesia. There are some more modern scales that will work for measuring the degree of the self-evaluated or the responsiveness that will be observed to the suggestion tests which are given like the direct suggestions of the rigidity of the arm. In her research, Deirdre Barrett came up with the idea that two types of subjects exist that are highly susceptible to the effects of hypnosis. These two groups are known as the dissociates and the fantasizers. The fantasizers will score very high on the absorption scale and they will be able to block out every stimulus of the outside world easily without making

use of hypnosis. This type of person typically spends a good amount of time daydreaming. They will have had imaginary friends in their childhood and are also very likely to have grown up in an environment where there was a lot of encouragement for imaginary play. On the other hand, those who are dissociated will often emerge from a traumatic background or may have experienced abuse in their childhood. However, they find it easy to get over those unpleasant events and can transition into a state of numbness. Instead of creating fantasies, people in this group would rather go blank when they daydream. These two groups will score very high when they undergo the test of hypnotic susceptibility and the test will include the difficulties that arises from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder as well as Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Applications of Hypnosis The concept or field of hypnosis has been in practice for a very long time and as a result of there have been different emerging ways of application which assist in making sure that the process of hypnosis is put to good use. The application of hypnosis cuts across many fields of life, from entertainment to military uses to self-improvement and even medicine. There are some areas that have only recently begun the use of hypnosis like physiotherapy, forensics, sports and education. Even artists have begun to use hypnotism to reach some of their creative goals. One of the most well-known examples of such artists is Andre Breton. Breton makes use of hypnosis as well as other techniques to enable him to reach his creative purposes in surrealism. Hypnosis is also now used widely when it comes to self-improvement as so many people have decided to employ self-hypnosis in order to reach their weight loss goals, to reduce stress or quit smoking. Below are some of the fields where hypnosis have proven to be effective and an explanation of the way the process has been put to work in those fields.

Chapter 11: Dark Seduction As social creatures, human beings have a long history of applying a number of nonverbal signals to demonstrate an interest in other people or to enquire if other individuals are interested in them. In the present day, with the modern behavior, this has to turn out to be more complicated, though the certain prehistoric gesture is still there and may be used with unbelievable consequences. Seduction is not restricted to attracting the differing sex or the identical sex depending on an individual’s sexual orientation. On the other hand, the art of seduction is regarding getting other people attracted to other people so they have more power over their affiliation with them. Additionally, Seduction is a control game, which in most cases is played at all levels of social life. There are varied reasons why different sets of people play this game. For instance, a man might desire to seduce a lady to take her to bed. On the other hand, a woman may crave to seduce a wealthy gentleman so she might have a contented financial lifestyle. From a different perspective, a singer might want to seduce the audience with their charm so they may sell their music. Similarly, a politician might fancy seducing the supporters to get the required votes to enable them to win an electoral seat.

Seduction is to convince, or rather to corrupt someone to do something one desires. Seduction may be regarded as both positive and negative. From a broader point of view, positively might be about appealing to somebody, making somebody feel excellent or reducing their needless fears. On the other hand, negatively might be using the lure to mislead individuals and get them to do something that they might not usually do. In the current world, people tend to deploy a series of body language and verbal skills to help them use the art of seduction in a constructive manner to get them what they want.

Seduction and the commonly referred to as the Art of Seduction by some scholars is loaded with ambiguities and obvious negations At a time, it is regarded as so much that it might almost be perceived as a paradoxical occurrence. Comparable to rape, to which it is often compared, it is unquestionably manipulative. However, while its different stratagems might at times be related to those of rape, it is fundamentally about procedure and persuasion versus intimidation, physical force, and aggression. More significant still, the pretense and machinations distinguishing seduction are not completely single sided. Its execution characteristically involves one individual, customarily the male, in the part of subjugator and the other person, usually the lady, reacting passively as the subdued. While in rape there is obviously an executor and casualty. However, by its very description, seduction means positive mutuality, encompassing at least a number of degrees of approval. In most cases the seducer is considered gentleman or lady, though for simplicity’s sake many usually will refer to the gentleman as seducer as contrasting, that is, to the lady as a seductress. Apart from in sexual fantasies produced by the libido or rather ego stimulated wish to be charismatically preferred, it may carefully be asserted that nobody ever prefers to be raped. On the other hand, there are a lot of persons who secretly crave for the pleasure, the thrill, the peculiarly of being the desirable object of other people’s lust. This implies that there are times when the person being seduced, can essentially be viewed as

illogically complicit with the seducer. Additionally, also ironically, if the person being seduced is considered a virgin, the incorruptibility, artless, uncontaminated and ingenuous may carry its own influential seductive attraction. For instance, few men would oppose that a youthful lady not yet deflowered can project a greatly more tempting, and enticing, eroticism than any hardcore, provoking dressed prostitute. Furthermore, though at its nastiest, seduction may be seen as disgracefully repressive, it really cannot be described as challenging, intimidating, or coercive. Moderately, it is charming, luring, tempting. And whereas it never begins as consensual, eventually it concludes in that manner. In common sense, it is like a concession to a delicious piece of chocolate. Basically, nobody aimed a gun at a person and forcefully bullied them to eat it. However there it was right in front of them and just so tempting that ultimately it purely overwhelmed their will to refuse to accept. It might be supposed that seduction pleads not to the seducer’s higher, more ethical self but to their more spontaneous, romantic, sumptuous self. And this might be why the feeling following their seduction might be total regret. The extra positive feature of their ambivalence now confirmed the negative element might well recover prominence. Generally, this might be likely if, following the encounter, the person seduced comes to consider their surrender as reflecting individual fault as their giving in caved to other people’s desire. In addition, people might come to know that they are being ardently made love to not at all signify that they were cherished or cared about.

However, the emotional result of being seduced might also contrast harshly to a person being seduced knowledge of being taken advantage of. For instance, for a number of women, mostly those whose virginity was still unbroken during the occasion might essentially feel freer or sexually liberated by this exceptionally touching experience of letting themselves be used by other people. On the other hand, perhaps the person being seduced had been distressed by religious, communal, illogical or overblown worries of sexually yielding themselves to other people. Nevertheless, what they encountered in their submission, and in allowing themselves an extraordinary expression of their sensuality, may have felt like a pleasant liberation, particularly if the seducer confirmed genuine interest in their pleasure. Additionally, they may have experienced a wonderful sense of influence in their feminine seductiveness, one that possibly they could never before realize or treasured. Generally, all this indicates the curious paradoxes or coating of seemingly contrary meaning that might typify an experience able to affect people in several ways. People may claim that seduction is just seduction and constantly comprehensible in terms of one individual exploiting another person. However, given the various complexities of human nature, that assumption appears oversimplified. On the other hand, it should nowadays be clear that at some point the person being seduced assented to be seduced, that they had a specific positive venture in the incident or else, of course, it would be considered rape.

All the fairly probably positive response to seduction makes every black and white understanding of the mark. It is definitely significant that the innovative, Latin fabricated meaning of seducing is regarded as to lead astray as from responsibility, righteousness, or the like basically to corrupt. In addition, this morally focused description helps account for the implications of the term. However conscious of it they might be, a lot of persons from both sexes desire to be seduced. They appreciate the concentration it would give or its delightful, appetizing plea to their senses or the fulfillment of perceiving themselves as erotically tempting; or, particularly, the pleasure of the other individual’s so much desiring, craving for physical intimacy with them. Generally, this frequently repeated quote speaks volumes as recounts to the inherent art of seduction of women as well as the influential seductive propensities of testosterone-oriented men. Additionally, it is barely a coincidence that flirtatious behaviors have been connected quite as much to ladies as they have to gentlemen, and ingeniously joking behaviors even more so. In the huge list of human experiences, powerful sexual arousal is unquestionably among the most thrilling, at times, even stimulating. This is the motive that so many people seek it and also clarifies why online pornography is so well-liked and might straightforwardly become addictive. Depending on its fundamental motives and result, it may be definitely negative and, at its tremendous, result in condensed self-esteem, body image troubles, sexual nervousness, or despair. However, it may also be outstandingly satisfying and not just for the seducer but also the person being seduced. Generally, both sets of people might find it expressively, as

well as erotically satisfying and providing a high capacity of permanent significantly beyond the real encounter.

Factors to Be Considered While Seducing Never Manipulate Ladies and gentlemen do not like to be influenced. From a larger perspective, it usually signals that either associate is straightforwardly fooled. As a matter of fact, genuine relationship occurs in a vacuum, and every partner brings their past to the discussion table. As a consequence, manipulation might bring an extremely charged emotion. It is therefore advisable to avoid any kind of manipulation during the procedure of seduction.

Independence Generally, nobody adores a needy or overlying person in a relationship. Gentlemen, in particular, do not like to feel controlled or to some level, put under immense pressure. If a lady is controlling, they might remind men of their mother, and men do not desire to be in a sexual relationship with the mother. Further, neediness, for many people communicates submissive aggression. As a result, it is significant when meeting somebody and dating them for the first time to sit back and locate an individual center or rather a personal source. People should not stay by the phone; instead, they should get hobbies and interests that they enjoy taking part in. These may offer them not only valid subjects to speak about, but matters to do that are attractive. In case they get a life; they may share that personal life discussion. As a result, this simply serves to make them more appealing and thrilling. Be Yourself If people put on a fabricated behavior with the individual they are dating, they will never understand if they care for the real person. Additionally, mutuality is vital during seduction, so the person has to be in apposition to count on the person they are meeting and their maturity. To be intimate requires honesty and emotional accessibility. It is accurate that people who are considered open are more susceptible; though, no danger, no reward. Consequently, one should not play games and they should not literally play hard to get. Incase people play games, their date shall play with somebody else.

Switch the Phone Off During the seduction process, both parties should make eye contact and pay attention to enthusiastically. People normally, do not like when a date is abstracted and neither focused on them or on the occasion. This act is usually regarded as discounting and abusive. On the other hand, when on a date, people should not scan the area searching for or literally flirting with other people. A key component of seduction is to value and authenticate the person people are with, and if they are not concentrating, they will miss the occasion by giving the mistaken feeling.

Spontaneous While on a seductive motive, be good-humored, enjoy the moment and have excitement. This conduct opens an individual to their genuine and indispensable self, which is the most eye-catching an individual will ever be. Basically, the originality of an individual gives out all those good defenseless vibes of magnetism. Further, liveliness indicates a flirty and teasing approach that is non-violent.

Sense of Humor A high-quality sense of humor shows good traits, and there is nothing sexier in a gentleman or a lady. While on a seduction mission, people should not, take things too seriously or individually, and they should not be reactive; rather they should be an excellent sport, and prove that they can take joking as well as disapproval.

Get Personal People should find ways to be close that have extraordinary meaning for just the two of them. For instance, consider writing letters, romantic notes, and send amusing cards. This act adds to expectation, enjoyable and mystery. Relax In most cases, people tend to get fed up easily; as a result, Stress reduction is so significant during seduction. Ideally, not only must the seducer be calm, but they desire to have a friendly character that helps their partner calm down. In case the seducer has problems in this region, they must learn to contemplate; they should do progressive recreation exercises, take a stroll, listen to their favorite music and most significantly, get adequate sleep. In most cases, Children tend to get cranky when they do not have sufficient sleep, and so are grown-ups. A well-rested and stress-free individual might handle all types of complex situations. Listen and Show Interest

While on the seduction mission, the seducer should ask about their potential painter’s life story before they spill all the beans regarding their own life. People like conversing with reference to them and like telling people who they really are. If an individual is a good listener, they will pay attention to everything. Keep in mind that trust is based on familiarity. As result, when it is the seducers turn to speak, it is better to assess what they share, then they would not feel upset or betrayed if their potential partner is not worthy of their trust. Good Hygiene People should pay good attention to their look, their breath, and their body cleanliness. Irrespective of how attractive people are, if their hygiene is unpleasant, they will in no way get the next date. Additionally, regardless of what the seducer have heard, if they do not take pride in their appearance, they might be dealing with uncertainty or low self-respect. Body Language The seducers body language points out whether they are self-assured or not. Consequently, the seducer should be positive, smiling and have an affirmative attitude. On the other hand, the seducer should not exceed flirting. In case the seducer flirts with everybody, no one shall feel exceptional, valued or important. Lastly, there is a fine line connecting tolerance and determination. The seducer ought to give their potential partner a chance to be open and never put too much pressure or hurry the person under pursuing. Seduction, in many situations, is all in people’s head, so how they present themselves is how other people will perceive them.

Seducing a Man Seducing a gentleman might seem like an impossible obstacle, particularly if a lady is not familiar with high-quality flirting and seduction skills. Be real in the seduction procedure from a general perspective, most gentleman would have the same opinion that aside from the external qualities, character and confidence is paramount in seduction. In addition, nothing is more appealing than a lady who conducts herself well and radiates sex appeal. This implies somebody who is contented in her own skin and who recognizes what she wants from a gentleman.

Posture A lady perusing a gentleman can instantaneously appear more seductive by purely keeping her shoulders backward, chin upwards and making the correct eye contact. In case the seduction process falls deep into the night, do not forget that the correct clothing might give the lady an advantage as well. This does not imply that the entire body has to be on put on a show, but a flattering outfit might go a long way in influencing a gentleman. For the majority gentleman, it does not even matter if the lady is plus size or rather too bigger than they fancy. If men are looking at a lady, the literary want what the lady has.

Chapter 12: The Dark Psychology Triad

Introduction to the infamous dark triad The dark triad may sound like something out of a Hollywood movie, but it is actually the cornerstone of dark psychology and, by extension. The dark triad refers to the three personality types that inspired the inception of dark psychology. In fact, these three personality types are where the techniques found in dark psychology stems from. What are these big three that are the basis for a field of study that may seem so bizarre then? People associate Machiavellianism with a political type who took ‘The Prince’ a little too seriously; Narcissism as someone who is enamored with their own image; and a Psychopath as someone straight out of a slashed film. The real-life examples of these traits are more sinister than that as they can easily slip under the radar and operate under the veil of the general public’s ignorance. The dark triad is associated with personality traits that show a strong link to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Most people may find that they manifest at least some of the qualities represented on the dark triad, but people who have very high concentrations of one part of the triad or even some combination of the three can be terribly destructive forces in any given aspect of everyday life.

Image Source: The Unity Process

Machiavellian Philosophy This specific character trait interests most people because it has its roots, at least in part, in a work of political philosophy written by the diplomat and political philosopher, Niccolo Machiavelli, in the Renaissance era. While imprisoned, he wrote a book detailing all the principles he deemed necessary for rulers and would be rulers to acquire and retain power. This was sent to the ruler at the time in the hopes that it would buy him some favor in the eyes of price Di Medici. While most people have some of these Machiavellian traits, they will seldom act on them too often. The true Machiavellian does not care about moderating these behaviors. They will, in fact, live by them as if by some philosophical code for their lives. It is interesting to note that this is one of the easiest traits for most people to adopt and benefit from, despite being a symptom of mental illness. People can be born with this trait though, but the evidence that supports this is rare. More often than not, people high in Machiavellianism (high Mach’s) are more likely to have been made this way by having been subjected to a childhood that involved a cold style of parenting and everything seemed conditional at best.

Narcissism Narcissism is one of those traits that are easy to miss since we are constantly surrounded by it. This is not just a trait that makes people fall in love with taking pictures of themselves. That is the watered-down, diet version that has a low negative impact on most people. The darker type can lead to abuse, bullying, sabotage, and a whole host of consequences for the narcissist and anyone who might cross their path. Although it can be classified as a mental disorder, or at least a part or symptom of one, it can be very difficult to spot, even for professionals. It can disguise itself in a number of ways and take many shapes and forms. These different types of narcissism will be broken down so that the reader may better filter out the everyday, run-of-the-mill narcissism from the potentially toxic and dark kind.

Narcissist Types: Grandiose narcissist- This type of narcissist is the classical image of what one may expect to see when thinking about this leg of the dark triad. This is someone who wears the finest clothes they possibly can, whether they can afford it or not; they have massive egos; they are entitled to the point where it borders on psychopathic; they are obsessed with how people see them, etc. This kind of narcissist may seem like less of a danger because they are so easy to spot, but do not be fooled. These people tend to be very charming and charismatic. Their grandiose way of approaching things give them a false air of confidence that draws people to them. It also doesn’t help much that they seem can be pretty generous when the mood takes them.

This is not to be taken lightly. These people are expert manipulators with an unbelievable lack of empathy, like everyone else in the dark triad. Moreover, they are far more insecure than they seem and will fly into a rage the second they feel they are being criticized. They will tear down your reputation or try to destroy you if they feel this will restore their fragile egos. Malignant narcissist- These are the kind of narcissist you will most likely want to keep the closest eye on. They can have a streak that far exceeds all the other types of narcissists and can easily be mistaken for psychopaths. They will also have terribly grand ideas of themselves, like all narcissists, even if there is no evidence of said grandiosity. These are the kind of narcissist who get so obsessed with the constant dreams of power and status all narcissists have that they will do whatever it takes to attain them. They are far more likely to cross moral boundaries to get what they want and expect everyone to see them as being justified in all they do because they are simply getting what is owed to them. They are the most likely to expect special treatment and favors from everyone. When you combine these elements with the signature traits of having little to no empathy, plus their insane ambition mixed in with their skills of manipulation, and you have a walking powder keg just waiting to explode and ruin countless lives to achieve what they believe they deserve. People like this will do things most moral people with a conscious would not consider doing while in their right mind, so crossing their path must be done with extreme caution if it can’t be avoided altogether. Covert narcissist- the narcissist can be the trickiest of the lot to spot since they can often make people feel sorry for them in how they present their

narcissism. While caring for people just as little as other narcissists, they are very good at making people see them as the victim of circumstances they could not control. They will speak a lot about how smart, talented, or generally superior they are in some way. They will place the blame for their lack of success on politics, geography, or even being born at the wrong time. They will come across as someone who had everything going for them in a world that had something against them. These types of people will often be misdiagnosed as being depressed and people will want to feel sorry for them. This would be a mistake as these kinds of people are prone to being insanely passive aggressive. However, being afraid of conflict is not their only reason for being this way. They consider themselves superior and enjoy playing games with the people in their lives. They can build themselves up by slowly breaking you down and bringing you into their world where they can feed off your negativity. Of course, the void they are trying to fill has no bottom, so people can get stuck trying to save these people until they have nothing more to give, just to be thrown away for someone who has something to give. Communal narcissist- now communal narcissists are the kind of people who love to do good things. They will feed the homeless, take care of abandoned animals, shelter the needy, go for events that benefit others, etc. This doesn’t sound too bad right? Think again. Do a lot of good things, but absolutely have to be seen doing them or there simply isn’t any point for them to be doing them. They lack empathy just as much as the next narcissist, but they also need praise just as much as any other narcissist. This is why they do the altruistic

things they do. They’re in it for the ego boost that comes with the praise they receive for doing these things. Inwardly, they still have the same sense of superiority that comes with this character trait and it will often show without them knowing. They can be pompous, pretentious, haughty and arrogant, even regarding the people or animals they dedicate themselves to helping. These kinds of people see human beings as tools just as much as any other narcissist and they will quickly eliminate anyone who tries to come between them and the worship and adoration they feel they deserve.

Understanding Psychopaths Psychopaths have three parts of the dark triad, they are easily at the top of the list for whom to look out for, especially if you yourself are not one. However, the first interesting thing to note is that while all psychopaths are narcissistic, narcissists are not necessarily going to be psychopathic. Knowing this may be one of the weaknesses that may allow you to spot a psychopath if you find yourself crossing paths with one. Psychopathy is identified as Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD). It has a lot of characteristics that, similar to narcissism, tend to be misconstrued by the public. This is often due to ignorance or misinformation, like that of the psychotic serial killer one sees in Hollywood movies. While this image isn’t entirely untrue, largely due to the fact that these people are the most likely within the dark triad to become abusers and serial killers, many psychopaths are actually very good at blending into society. In fact, psychopaths are often well educated and intelligent.

Conclusion Since you’ve gotten to the last pages, you should feel quite confident in your grasp of NLP and the tools with which it powers us to persuade and manipulate. You have learned the methods that NLP practitioners use to mold people in a variety of situations. Not only can you tell what someone thinks, but you can shape their thoughts as well. All that said, it doesn’t mean there is nothing left for you to learn. NLP takes dedication to acquire veritable mastery — but with the skills you have honed so far and with this book as your guide, NLP has put you on the path to a new chapter in life. You should start by practicing mind reading and mind control because they are the easiest to practice. Another reason to practice this area of NLP manipulation is that it encompasses all the other areas we have covered: it involves some persuasion, dark psychology, body language, and more that we talked about throughout the book, making it the perfect place to start. Now that you are in the practicing phase, you can use this book as a tool to help you along the way. It’s likely that you already forget some of the techniques we went over, so we recommend going back through it and taking notes. Your notes won’t be able to include all the tidbits we give you here and there, but if you make them concise enough, you might be able to get the most important parts into a few pages of notes. You can then refer back to them whenever you like. What you choose to do with the knowledge you have absorbed in these pages is completely up to you. We know there is an overwhelming number

of things that are possible with these techniques, and it is ultimately up to you how you apply them. The only one who can decide how to make use of the material you have learned is you, so we hope you use these contents wisely. In this arrangement, we have advanced the view that the NLP DARK PSYCHOLOGY may is a character mental play is a type of social effect that aims to change behaviour or other ideas through techniques of abuse, lying or concealment. By increasing manipulative interest, often at an additional cost, these methods can be considered usable, offensive, confusing and misleading. NLP means the programming of the neurological language. The term itself already makes it possible to conclude that NLP has something to do with communication with a person's mind. We've indicated the Mind control technique that if you want to change your thinking, start with your physiology. For example, if you are going to trust, why not keep yourself a little taller and sit a little straighter? Smile with confidence to people around you, even if you do not feel brave. We have additionally examined how the ENNEAGRAM OF PROCESS uses a 'Way of Transformation' approach, which underlines those procedures whereby the character of the individual can be changed, and routine examples rose above. We've likewise investigated how can it work, notwithstanding these two ways there is a propelled methodology - the 'Way of Realization' - which accentuates the road where the Qualities that are looked for by specialists on the mind control way can be said to pre-exist the pursuit. This

methodology additionally, ordinarily tries to clarify how Controlling individuals with your psyche - like impressions of the moon in water or the re-introduction of a supernatural 'hyper body' in a lower-level reality. The 'Way of Long-term manipulation can have severe consequences in intimate relationships, including relationships between friends, family, and dating partners. Handling can aggravate the health of the relationship and lead to the poor mental health of people in the link or even to the breakdown of the relationship. Psychological manipulation can be express as the exercise of inappropriate influence through mental deformation and emotional exploitation, to take power, control, benefits and privileges at the expense of the victim. It is essential to distinguish the powerful social influence from psychological manipulation. Many times in life, we come across people who try all their best to get us to do their bidding, even if it means that we have to neglect our own needs in the process. The truth is that humans are naturally selfish beings, and that is the reason why dark techniques are widespread with people in all works of life. It is not wrong to want to achieve your goals. It only becomes an issue when you are hurting others in the process. Trust you have learned about the immense power of dark techniques and how it can be used to influence others. Although hypnosis is perceived in the minds of many people as an evil thing, you have now come to realize that it may not be all that bad except when it is used as a dark technique to influence a person to do things that he ordinarily wouldn't have subscribed to.

Although persuasion can be a regular aspect of our everyday lives, it can also fall under the category of dark psychology as it can be used by an agent to get a subject to act against his own will. At this point, you should be aware of the types of dark techniques that can be used to influence people and turn them into puppets in the hands of those who use them. Amongst others, deception, brainwashing, and manipulation are hazardous types of mind control because, unlike others, they are not usually used for the benefit of the subject. The next step is to now arm yourself with NLP techniques in your relationship with others. Humans can be a bit too difficult to deal with, so you have to learn how to make use of the things that are happening within you to influence the way you relate with others. Note that everyone cannot be like you always, so with NLP techniques, try to put yourself in other people's shoes and watch yourself become better in your relationship with others. It is a pleasure to have walked you through this exciting rollercoaster ride. I trust you had a good time reading.

Manipulation And Dark Psychology By David Soul

Introduction We all experience malaise in different situations in our daily lives. And when I say everyday life I mean today, yesterday, tomorrow, every day. Yes, every day. Do you think it's an exaggeration? You may think that you have never encountered dark psychological techniques, but you would be surprised to find, or maybe you have always suspected, that in our regular day-to-day lives, we encounter people in both our personal and professional lives that use dark psychological techniques to manipulate, control, persuade, or coerce others. We may have used some of these techniques ourselves—intentionally or unknowingly. Some of these procedures are imprinted during our formative years, whereas others are learned later in life. Some psychological techniques are even used in training for certain professions—a person’s ability to master these techniques helps dictate their career trajectory and degree of success in their professional life. In this day and age, not only do people practice dark psychology, but the technology we use each and every day has been programmed to utilize these techniques on us, unsuspecting users. It is not uncommon for humans to make attempts at influencing others by making use of psychological techniques such as manipulation, coercion, persuasion, deception, hypnosis, mind games and brainwashing. Psychology is the study of the mental process of humans. It seeks to investigate the thought process of humans by looking critically at the reason why people do what they do and the way they do it.

When it comes to dark psychology, the focus is on the human condition in relation to the nature of the psyche of humans, which propels them to prey on other people with the aim of influencing them. This is driven by criminal or deviant tendencies which lack purpose, as well as other general assumptions of both social science and instinctual drives. All the members of humanity have the tendency to victimize other people, as well as every living creature on Earth. For some people, these tendencies are restrained and very minimal, while others easily fall for the instinct and act upon these impulses. According to dark psychology, every human has a bank of malevolent intentions geared towards other people and these intentions range from fleeting thoughts to minimally obtrusiveness to pure psychopathic deviant characters that are devoid of any form of cohesive rationality. This is described with a term known as the Dark Continuum. Also, there is another term known as the Dark Factor, which refers to the mitigating factors that act as accelerants or attractive factors to every form of approaching Dark Singularity, which indicates the point where a person's heinous actions fall in the radar of the Dark Continuum.

Chapter 13: What Is Manipulation in Dark Psychology? Thus far, we have talked about techniques that are used in dark psychology. Indeed, we have only skimmed the surface as there is quite a bit to discuss when it comes to manipulation tactics. You will find that some of the techniques we will get into a very common and rather overt while others are rather subtle and go unnoticed. In fact, some of these tactics are so subtle that you don’t even know they are there; but they are. They will find a way to make it into your mind. We are going to center on some of the most common but effective techniques out there. You will find that this discussion is rather detailed and aimed at providing deep insight into the ways that these techniques are effective. Now, the reason why dark psychology techniques are effective lies in the way they interact with your psyche. The human psyche is structured in such a way that it is capable of filtering out stimuli that somehow don’t conform to the patterns, beliefs and values that permeate the psyche. For instance, if you believe in peace, your mind will reject any notion of violence. By the same token, if your mind is centered on greed and avarice, you may place very little restrictions on schemes aimed at getting money. However, the subconscious mind, the layer that exists beneath the conscious mind, is unfiltered but equally able to process the stimuli that enter it. This is why the manipulator’s true goal is to access your subconscious and

implant ideas at that level. When that happens, the chances of ideas and beliefs sticking are very high. This is why advertising is so repetitive. Think about it. If you only head an advert once, the chance of you recalling it would be very slim. However, if you hear adverts over and over, there will come a point where your conscious mind will stop putting up a fight. When that occurs, the message can seep through into your subconscious. This is the secret of brand positioning. So, if you think advertising, at least good advertising anyway, is about selling stuff, guess again. Good advertising is all about getting you to constantly think about a brand or a product.

Persuasion In order to for persuasion to work, your tactics need to somehow resonate with your target audience. In order for that to work, your message needs to reflect the values and beliefs of these folks. So, your argument and reasoning could be so compelling that your logic would be undeniable. But would that still be enough to get people to do what you want? What if you are the best candidate for a job but the company decides to hire someone else anyway? These are the considerations that persuasion looks to deal with. Persuasion works when you are able to resonate with the target audience in such a way that you evoke feelings in them. A simple example may be a political candidate going into a town that’s desperate for jobs to unveil a plan to create more jobs. This would be a rather overt attempt at getting folks to vote for them. And while folks may be skeptical about the candidate’s ability to actually create jobs, they may feel compelled to vote for them out of desperation and hope. Another powerful emotion that you can trigger is fear. Any time fear is evoked in people, their primal survival instincts kick in. This might compel people to go along with you simply because they fear the outcome if they don’t. While this may also be associated with coercion, the fact of the matter is that your ability to trigger these feelings will allow you to get ahead.

Manipulation However, persuasion doesn’t always work even when you are able to trigger emotions. In such cases, you may have to take things up a notch. In this case, manipulation becomes the most immediate means at your disposal. Manipulation can be as blatant as you would like it to be. You can be quite overt, that is, do very little to conceal your true intentions, or you can be much more subtle. The fact is that it depends on the situation you are in. There are times when you can be overt while other times you can be very subtle.

Consider this situation. A supervisor knows that many of the workers in their department are desperate for jobs. They really need their income and will do just about anything to keep their current job. Knowing this, the supervisor will coax them into working overtime on a regular basis. Sure, they are paid for their overtime, but the truth is that they are being exploited. However, the workers will say very little because they need the job. And even when they know they are being exploited, they have little choice but to go along until they can find another job. Another good example of manipulation can be seen in relationships. One partner can manipulate the other by using statements such as, “no one else can love you as I do.” This is rather overt manipulation. As such, the victim, over time, will internalize the fact that there is no one else that will love them in the same way. This can lead to creating a type of dependency among partners, thereby limiting the will of the victim.

Emotional Manipulation Techniques Emotional manipulation can happen at various levels. But that’s not the only one. How about greed? That works just a good as fear. People who are driven by ambition can be easily had with statements such as “think of all the money you could make.” Such a statement would drive a greedy person over the edge. By the same token, if you’re dealing with someone who is overly frugal, a statement such as “think of all the money you could save” would hit their sweet spot. The point here is that you need to know the person you’re dealing with in order to make your manipulation attempts ring true. So, let’s take a look at some emotional manipulation tactics which you can use in a given situation.

The Bait and Switch This technique is predicated on a person pretending to be someone they are not until they get what they want. For example, a person who is interested in gaining something from another may pretend to be romantically interested in this person. The victim, who is desperate for love and affection, will go along with the hopes of entering a meaningful relationship. The manipulator then gets close enough to their target until they extract the benefit they seek. Once the manipulator gets what they want, they pull the bait and switch; that is, they revert to their true self. This type of technique is used to prey on the emotional needs of a person and is not limited to romantic relationships. This can also occur when a manipulator senses that someone is desperate to make money. The

manipulator then uses this need to manipulate the victim with the promise of easy money or a steady income. The victim goes along only to be defrauded at some point. In a manner of speaking, the manipulation takes place every time the manipulator is able to strike a chord with the victim. The victim falls prey for the empty promises of the manipulator until either the manipulator reveals their true self, or just moves on.

The Blame Game This is very common in the workplace. There are folks who are experts at pinning everything on someone else. For instance, when something goes wrong, the manipulator will find a way to shift the blame to someone else. The ablest manipulators are able to produce compelling evidence against others thereby clearing their name of any responsibility. Then, there are folks who are just full of excuses for the shortcomings. These folks tend to wear out their welcome quickly and need to move on sooner rather than later. The blame game can happen in relationships, business dealings, and politics. Politicians who find someone else to blame for the problems happening in their country often present themselves as saviors and heroes for their people. They are the ones who have a solution for everything, yet when you drill down on their track record, they really don’t achieve much of anything.

Guilt

Guilt is one of the most powerful manipulation techniques known to humankind. Guilt can be used to manipulate people by making them feel inferior for the help and support they have received at some point. Guilt can also be used to get others to feel inadequate for a condition they possess. Think of all those times you hear people say, “things would be different if you weren’t sick.” That is one of the most rudimentary means of making someone feel guilty, yet it is highly powerful. Also, you may hear others say things like, “remember when you needed my help? Now, I need your help.” This is a clear attempt at coaxing someone to go along with the manipulator’s intentions.

The White Knight This game is used by skilled manipulators. In this game, the manipulator purposely creates a problem and then rushes to the rescue. The intention is to create dependency among those around them as the manipulator is the only one who can solve the problems they encounter. However, the victims may not be aware that the problems are artificially fabricated by the “white knight” to make themselves look good. This is an expression of the problem-reaction-solution technique. In this technique, manipulators create a problem or exacerbate an existing one, then get people to react in a certain manner so that they can come to the rescue with the miracle solution. So, the next time you ask yourself where certain people get these miraculous solutions in desperate times, don’t be surprised if you happen to find yourself in the midst of a master manipulator.

The dark triad This is a collection of character traits that are present in every person. However, these traits are more prevalent in some than in others. When they are predominant in an individual’s personality, they can lead to inappropriate behavior, and in some cases, lead to criminal activity. These traits are the hallmark of manipulators. While it is not entirely how they form, we do have a good understanding of how they can be fostered. That’s why we’re going to take a deep look into the dark triad as we look to unravel the mystery that surrounds this type of behavior. Moreover, you will find detailed descriptions and examples pertaining to these traits and their corresponding behaviors. When one of these traits is predominant in a person, you will find that they are generally disruptive in many ways, but highly creative and energetic in others. Moreover, people who exhibit dark triad traits in high order are generally more skilled and intelligent individuals who have a keen sense of the world around them. This is why they are able to make the most of their desires and push their agenda along. In some cases, you’ll see them as people who will stop at nothing to get what they want. Other times, you will see them as people who don’t care much about the feelings of others especially if that gets in the way of their achieving something. So, if you are dealing with someone who exhibits any of these traits, or heaven forbid all three, then you really need to watch where you’re stepping. Often, the best course of action is to get away from them. If you try to do battle with people exhibiting dark triad characteristics, you need to

be several steps ahead of them. But, be warned that winning a war with these folks may turn out to be winning a war of attrition more than based on skills and tactics.

Narcissism The first dark triad trait is narcissism. Narcissism is typically associated with feelings of entitlement and conceit. These are individuals who seek to be the center of attention at all times while trying to get others to do their bidding. The most rudimentary of narcissists don’t really care how they get others to go along with them. All they care about is that others do what they want. End of story. More skilled narcissists are able to use many tactics at their disposal to get others to go along. Often, these types of narcissists seem charming and very pleasant. Yet, it’s all a ploy. Their main objective is to get others to trust them and admire them. As long as they are admired and shown constant displays of affection, they are good with people. The problem occurs when they are not fed the feedback they seek. Often, it is a question of having their ego stroked. For example, a narcissist will become livid if they get no recognition for the work they do. This is compounded if they feel that they have put their best foot forward. As such, the lack of recognition will drive them up the wall like no tomorrow. On the contrary, if they are showered with praise and accolades, then all is good. They bask in their glory and seek to move on to the next display of affection and appreciation.

The biggest issue with narcissists is that they are control freaks. Since they feel that everyone must do their bidding, they need to control everything and everyone around them. Consequently, if a narcissist feels that they have lost control of their environment, there are liable to go to all means necessary to ensure that they regain full control. If this means destroying people along the way, they may not stop to ponder the effects of their actions on others.

Machiavellianism This trait is often associated with deviousness and underhandedness. Machiavellianism can best be seen in people who come up with clever schemes to get what they want. In general, highly intelligent people are pronto to developing Machiavellianism. The challenge lies in the limits they are willing to respect in the pursuit of their aims. In the worst of cases, Machiavellian folks tend to go as far as their personal convictions will allow them. This means that a person who has a good set of values will find clever ways of getting things done without resorting to unethical or even unlawful means. However, if the individual does not have a good set of ethics, they may engage in increasingly reprehensible activity in the pursuit of their aims. The limits to which Machiavellianism can go essentially depend on the intelligence or support network of the person. There are cases, such as those of master criminals, who may be unable to figure out schemes for themselves but will employ those who can. This is a good example of how scruples and morals may be quite loose on some folks.

Psychopathy The third element to the dark triad is psychopathy. In general terms, psychopathy is an absence of emotion. In particular, psychopaths are unable to feel empathy. This means that they are unable to gauge who others feel. This is why they are incapable of understanding that their actions hurt others. When you look at serial killers and other types of criminals, they genuinely believe they have done nothing wrong as they are unable to comprehend the pain and anguish they have put others through. Think about white-collar criminals who embezzle pensioners out of their savings. They have no remorse over their actions as they could really care less about those affected. In some instances, psychopathy is associated with physiological issues in the brain. When this occurs, neurochemical reactions may not take place.

As a result, these individuals may be unable to process their emotions leading to a condition of flat reactions to emotion.

Chapter 14: What Is Covert Emotional Manipulation? Covert emotional manipulation is very important to the art of dark psychology. Many of the tactics that are used with dark psychology are going to use this type of emotional manipulation, whether in part or completely. As you start to learn a bit more about the world of dark psychology and its different manifestations, you will soon start to see the signs of CEM. This is why it is so important to understand what CEM is exactly so that you can watch out for it in your daily life. Covert emotional manipulation, or CEM, is going to be an attempt by one person to try and influence the feelings and the thoughts of the other person in a way that is considered underhanded and that is undetected by the one who is being manipulated. Being able to break down each of the words that are in CEM is important to help you get a better idea on the foundations of this topic. Covert refers to the way that a manipulator is able to hide their intentions. They want to be able to hide the true nature of all their actions. Remember that not all types of influence and emotional manipulation will be categorized as covert. The victims of the type that is covert though will typically not realize they are being manipulated and will not be able to understand the way the manipulation is carried out. In some cases, they are not even able to look and figure out the motivation of their manipulator. This is why CEM is such a stealth bomber in the world of dark psychology. Its point is to avoid detection and defense until it is too late for the victim.

The emotional side of the manipulator is going to be the specific focus of that manipulator. Other types of manipulation may include things like the willpower, beliefs, and behaviors of the other person. Many manipulators will focus on this area of influence as they are well aware that the emotions of the other person are key to the other aspects of their personality. Being able to manipulate the emotions of the other person is key. If a person has emotional control over the other person, then they are going to have full control over them.

Situation and Manipulations There are four main scenarios in which CEM is able to take place. These include the family, romantic, personal, and professional parts of your life. One of the most common forms of CEM is romantic, and it can sometimes be the most deadly. There are some less obvious forms of CEM that you are able to find anywhere, and because they are less common, they can sometimes be the most dangerous. If the manipulator is successful, then their wife or their girlfriend will continue to be a victim of emotional manipulation, and they may have a hard time realizing that it is going on. This allows the manipulator to keep the control that they want without any risk of being discovered and losing the other person for good. This can also happen with a friend who would use CEM in order to get the outcomes they want when they have a relationship with another person. In this group, one of the common types of manipulators is going to be someone who covertly induced feelings of obligation, sympathy, and guilt in a friend. The friend is being manipulated in this way without being aware that they are being influenced. They may realize that they are behaving in a different way to that friend, but they won’t be able to explain why and how. You will find that the professional part of your life can be another place for covert emotional manipulators. There are a lot of people who have worked for a boss or another person who had authority, who seems to trigger some unknown feelings of duty, fear, and guilt in them. People who are manipulated this way may never be able to identify why these feelings exist or where they come from.

And in the world of CEM, the family can be the most problematic. A skilled manipulator is able to find a victim, even within their own family, and the amount of influence that they exercise can be dangerous. This is because the manipulator and the victim will have a very deep connection together because they are related. When blood relations are added in, the amount of influence and control can increase quite a bit. The reason that these family situations are so suited to using CEM is that most people already feel a level of social obligation in order to help their own family. They are willing to go a little further to ensure the needs of their family are attended to. Because of this predisposition, covert emotional manipulative practices will give you a victim that is very malleable.

Some Common Covert Manipulation Methods We have spent some time talking about what covert manipulation is all about and how it can be used to benefit the manipulator. Now it is time to look at a few of the different methods that can be used in covert manipulation. These are meant to bring out feelings of guilt, sadness, or something else. The manipulator also wants to make sure that they can do all of this without the victim detecting them if at all possible. Let’s take a look at some of the techniques that are used by people practicing CEM.

Reinforcement: A CEM Stacked Sequence After the love bombing, a pattern of intermittent positive reinforcement is going to show up. This is a way of controlling the victim without them really knowing what is going on. The typical sequence of a CEM scenario is going to involve love bombing, then positive reinforcement, and then intermittent positive reinforcement. Let’s take a look at how this is done and how it benefits the manipulator. After love bombing has occurred early in the relationship, it is time for the manipulator to move over to positive reinforcement. This is when the manipulator is going to switch their behavior, and they will no longer show unconditional positivity to the victim. Instead, the manipulator is going to withhold any positivity until the victim is performing the behavior that they desire.

Reality Denial One of the most terrifying things that a human can endure is the feeling that they are losing their own sanity. This is bad enough if it is explained by something that the victim can understand, such as a byproduct of stress in their lives. But this can be really unsettling if this insanity feeling is induced by the emotional manipulator. Reality denial is going to refer to a range of techniques used in CEM that have the purpose of destroying the sanity of the victim in order to serve the selfish aims. The ways that this takes place, and its impact, will vary based on the method that works the best for the manipulator. Instead of doing this, a skilled manipulator is going to take a slower but steady approach. This means they are going to slowly erode at the sanity of the other person until that victim isn’t able to trust their own faculties. But how does the manipulator turn this reality denial process on? It is often going to start with a small-scale undermining of the confidence of a victim in their own memory. The manipulator will then be able to engineer various situations where the victim will feel like they need to question their own recollection of events. They won’t know what is true and what isn’t any longer. Of course, during this process, the manipulator is going to ensure that the portrayal of what really happened is the one that seems the most credible to their victim. This process of slowly eroding the confidence of the victim is going to serve two purposes to the manipulator. First, it is going to reduce the

amount of trust the victim has in their own powers of understanding and recall. Second, this trust will then be moved over to the manipulator. One thing to remember is that this transference of trust is never going to be that big of a deal in the transaction, especially in the beginning. When the manipulator gets started, it is simply going to look like they are the one who has a slightly better memory than the victim. The victim may even be thankful that they have someone around whose recollection they are actually able to rely on, rather than seeing this as a form of manipulation that is being used against them by the manipulator. Of course, this is going to start increasing over time as well. The covert emotional manipulator is going to start increasing the severity of the events that they want the victim to question. What may seem like a harmless and even insignificant situation, in the beginning, is going to amplify. It will eventually reach the point where the victim seems to lose all their own confidence in their cognitive powers and will question their own sanity. The part of this process that seems the most insidious most of the time is the fact that the victim is often going to start blaming their own mind for losing these abilities. A skilled manipulator is not going to be seen as the one who is pulling strings. Even though they are in charge of this slow demise in the sanity, they will never let their victim know what is going on behind the scenes. These different methods can often be used together. But the key is that they need to be done covertly. If the victim realizes what is going on, they will walk away and refuse to be influenced by the manipulator. But skilled manipulators are able to use the different techniques above in order to get

the victim to behave in a certain way, and the victim usually doesn’t realize what is going on or why they feel a certain way.

Chapter 15: What Is Dark Persuasion? People typically attempt to give meaning to the concept of persuasion; however, their answers always come in different forms. While some may set their minds on the advertisements and commercials that are everywhere in modern society, urging one to patronize a certain product or service over another, others’ minds fall back to the politicians that try to change the minds of voters just to get one more vote at the polls. Both examples are correct as they are messages aimed at changing the perception of the subject. The point of diversion between normal persuasion and dark persuasion is that dark persuasion does not always have a moral justification. While a normal persuader may try to persuade someone for that person's own good, a dark persuader does so with motivations that aren't always good for the other person. They try to get a full grasp of understanding of the person they wish to persuade, and they take pains to do so because they know what the biggest motivation is. While persuasion always has moral implications, a dark persuader does not concern themselves with these implications. In fact, they are aware of them but choose to place their eyes on their objective(s) instead. Persuasion is a psychological phenomenon in the everyday life of a human being. It is either that you are the one trying to persuade someone else or you are being persuaded. What makes the difference between dark and normal is the motivation behind it. In mass media, politics, advertising and legal decisions,

persuasion comes into play all the time. The outcome of practicing it in these fields is determined by ways of persuasion which will influence the subject of persuasion. There are some obvious and very crucial differences between persuasion and other types of mind control such as brainwashing and hypnosis. While these two require that the subject should be isolated in order to change their minds and identity, persuasion does not also require isolation. In order to get to the goal, manipulation is used on one person. Although persuasion can also be done on a single subject in order to get them to change their minds, there is also a possibility of using it on a large scale to change the minds of a whole group or even an entire society. For this reason, persuasion be a more effective mind control technique and perhaps more dangerous because it can change the minds of many people at the same time instead of the mind of just one person at a time. There are several people that make the mistake of thinking they have an immunity to the effects of persuasion because they are of the opinion that they will always be able to see every sales pitch that comes their way. They believe they will always be able to use logic to get a grasp of what is going on and then find a logical conclusion to it. Thanks to the fact that people are not always going to fall for everything they hear if they use logic, this may be true. It is also possible to avoid persuasion because the argument does not augur well with the person's beliefs no matter the strength of the argument. However, there are people who know how to use persuasive messages to encourage people to patronize the latest gadgets or products in the market.

This act of persuasion is very subtle so the subject will not always identify it, so it is going to be quite hard for them to always be able to form an opinion about the information they are going to get. Every time persuasion is mentioned, it is very likely that one thinks of it in a bad light. This is because they tend to automatically think of a conman or salesman who is always trying to get them to change their perspective and who will eventually push them until this change is achieved. While dark persuasion is prominent in sales and conning practices, there are also ways that persuasion can be used for good, like in diplomatic relations between international bodies or in public service campaigns. The difference only lies in the way the process of persuasion is brought to play.

Dark Persuasion Techniques When a person is willing to change the mind of their subject by persuading them to do something that is contrary to their initial state of mind, the persuader is going to have some well laid out techniques to help them achieve their goals. Each day that passes, the target is going to face different types of persuasion. For food makers, their goal will be to get their target to try out their new recipes or have them stick to the old ones, while studios will flash their latest blockbuster movies on the faces of their targets. Whatever the case may be or whatever product they are selling, their main aim is to make more sales and that is why they are trying to persuade you. They really couldn’t care less about how this will impact you and this is the reason why they must be very careful and skilled in the art of subtle persuasion to ensure that they do not tip you off or get you agitated. Since there are also many other brands trying to persuade you, they must find a unique way to impress their views on you. Due to the influence of persuasion on a wide range of people, the techniques used in it have been a subject of study for many years, dating back to ancient times. This is because influence is a very useful tool in the hands of a wide range of people. Starting from the early 20th century, the formal study of these techniques began to grow. Remember that the goal of trying to persuade people is to push a persuasive argument on an audience and have them convinced. They will then internalize this message and adopt it as their new attitude or even

way of life. For this reason, there is a great need to discover the most successful persuasion techniques. There are three dark persuasion techniques that have proven to be of great value over the years.

Create a Need This is one of the most fruitful ways of getting a person to change their point of view or way of life. The person that is trying to persuade a target will either create a need or capitalize on a need that the subject already has. If this is done in a proper way, it has the potential of appealing a great deal to the target. What this means is that in order to be successful, the persuader must appeal to the needs that are of more importance to the target. This may be their need to fulfil their dreams or of boosting their self-esteem. It may also be their want for love, shelter or food. This method will always work out well because there is no way the subject is not going to need any of these things, or in need of anything at all for that matter. Since there is no way the target isn’t going to have dreams and aspirations, the persuader will only have to find ways to make the victim understand how they can easily help the victim achieve those dreams. The persuader may also tell their target that the target will realize their dreams if they make certain alterations to their beliefs or perspective. Doing this, according to the persuader, will give the target a higher chance of achieving success. For example, a young man that wants to get intimate with a lady may tell her that he will help her improve her grades and finally make her parents proud by getting an A, but only if she becomes friends with him. While this lady may think that she has finally found the redemption she needs, the truth is that the young man isn’t very interested in how well she performs in school, her academics are only a bait for getting access to sex.

Appealing to Social Needs The other technique that the persuader can use is identifying the target's social needs. While this may not yield as many results and the target's primary needs will, it is still an important tool in the hands of the persuader. There are people who are naturally drawn to crowds and desire to be wanted. They always want to have certain items, not because they need them but because it comes with certain prestige that makes them feel as though they belong to a higher class. The notion of appealing to the target's social needs is what is obtainable through many TV commercials where viewers are encouraged to buy a product so that they will not be “left behind.” When they can identify and appeal to the social needs of the target, the result is they are able to reach a new area of the target's interest.

Making Use of Loaded Words and Images When a person is trying to persuade someone else, they must be careful with their choice of words as words can make all the difference. While there are many ways to say a thing, one way of saying it may be more potent than the other. When it has to do with persuasion, one of the most important things is knowing how to say the right thing at the right time. Words are always the most important tools in communication and knowing the right call-to-action words. Dark persuasion is one of the most powerful concepts of dark psychology, but sadly it is always overlooked and underestimated. This may be because, unlike the other methods of mind control, persuasion leaves the target with a choice. In the other mind control methods, the target is forced into submission and sometimes this is done by putting them in isolation so that at the end, they do not have any say in the outcome of the process. When it comes to persuasion, the chips are laid bare (although with an ulterior motive in dark persuasion) so that the target is left to make the decision that they think will suit them best.

Chapter 16: Character Traits of the Manipulator Now that we have gone over some of the methods and tactics people use to negatively manipulate others, it’s time to talk about how to avoid these methods. Negative manipulation can be defined as convincing others to do whatever you desire, without offering something of value back to them. How does this phenomenon work? A Threat and no Value: If a person says, “Help me finish this project or I’m going to be angry with you,” they are trying to negatively manipulate your actions. They are not actually offering anything of value to you in return. However, if a friend offers you something of value in return for a favor, that isn’t negative manipulation, because you’re getting something back for the effort you put in. Making another Responsible for their Emotions - Another form of manipulation is telling someone that they are responsible for how you feel and that they should feel guilty for that. For example, telling them that if they don’t come to your party, you will be highly disappointed. This implies that it’s their fault how you feel. However, if you offer to introduce your friend to someone they have wanted to meet at your party, you are offering a situation that allows both of you to win.

Why do People Manipulate? What are people’s reasons for manipulating others? These can be anything from innocent and even friendly reasons to mean and selfish, we’re going to focus on negative and selfish manipulation. Misery Likes Company: They do it because they gain satisfaction, on an emotional level, from seeing the frustrated or otherwise negative responses of others. Certain people are so unhappy with their lives and themselves that they try to bring others down by creating problems for them. It makes them feel Powerful: Someone who is insecure and feels powerless will often try to exert power in other areas to make up for it. Getting others to do what they want gives them temporary satisfaction. A Lack of Importance: Another reason why people negatively manipulate others is because they don’t think that they are important. They believe that if they simply request what they wish for, they won’t get it because they don’t matter enough. So instead, they try to make us feel ashamed or guilty as a consequence for not doing what they want, as a preemptive measure from disappointment. They are “too Good” for some Things: Other negative manipulators simply think that they are too good for certain tasks. They might see other people as below them, and therefore expect those people to do the tasks that they don’t want to do. This could be due to laziness, or simply an inflated sense of self. Not knowing how to get Things done: Some negative manipulators don’t think that they are capable of gaining what they want, and instead operate

under the assumption that they must convince and pressure others to do their bidding for them. Selfishly “Helping” Others: Other negative manipulators actually convince themselves that what they are doing will help people. This is a common idea embraced by people who think that they know better than others what is best for everyone. Due to their beliefs that they have a higher intelligence or ability, they feel satisfied doing this, and convince themselves that the people being manipulated are better off for it. Actually, the majority of negative manipulators are not actually bad people; they are simply misguided, inconsiderate, insensitive, selfish, and often times, weak and insecure. Some of them believe that the people they are manipulating are not as valuable as themselves, and that their desires and needs are not as important. This mistaken belief is what allows them to continue to act the way they do without considering the feelings of other people.

Different types of Negative Manipulation: Turning your Emotions against you - Techniques for manipulation vary widely, but usually, negative manipulators will attempt to get the feelings of others to work against them. They will try to do that by doing or saying things that are intended to stir up fear, anger, shame, guilt, or any other uncomfortable feeling. For example, they might insinuate that if we don’t follow through on their suggestions or orders, something horrible will result. Threats of Future Unpleasantness: They might also try to describe to you all of the different types of unpleasant situations that could arise if you don’t do what they want. They might imply or even overtly insist that something is our fault, responsibility, or duty, using ethics and morality to pressure us to come around to their ideas or demands. Some people will even throw every trick at us, warning us of the consequences of disappointing or letting them down. Common Phrases Used: They may imply to us that we will be so happy if we do what they want us to do, or that we will make them very happy, and that they will love us so much. They may also use phrases like “You need to…” or “You must…” or “You should…” as a way to subtly pressure you into following through on what they are asking of you. They will say those phrases and others which insinuate great consequences if you don’t follow the obligation they are giving to you. What do each of the above methods and techniques share in common with each other? The person doing the negative manipulation doesn’t offer anything of value in return for fulfilling their wishes. Instead, the victim gets exploited by a created power imbalance.

How to avoid being Negatively Manipulated by Others: Be Aware of your Rights: The absolute most important rule you can follow when dealing with someone who wants to manipulate you in negative ways is to know your own worth and rights. This way, you will always know when someone is attempting to violate them. So long as others are not getting harmed in the process, you should be defending yourself. Every human should have the right to have differing opinions from others, to protect yourself, to say “no” when you need to, and to decide what’s important to you. You should also have the right of expressing your wants, opinions, and feelings, and always be treated with respect. Unfortunately, the world has plenty of people who won’t want to acknowledge or respect your rights, especially negative manipulators. You will also come into contact with others who generally wish to take advantage at any opportunity. However, you can proudly defy this by letting them know that you are the one who runs your life, no one else. Maintain Healthy Distance: Another way to tell who is manipulative is to pay attention to the way someone acts in varying situations and in front of various individuals. Although everyone, to a degree, puts on different faces depending on where they are, most people who are harmfully manipulative are extreme about it. They might, for example, be extremely polite and friendly to one person, and completely disrespect another, or act like a victim one second, and then act controlling immediately after. If you notice someone acting this way regularly, it’s a good sign to distance yourself from them and not engage with them unless it’s an absolute

necessity. Usually, the reasons behind these types of behavior are complicated, and it isn’t your duty or responsibility to help or change that person. Trying to do so will often only lead to suffering on your part, so it’s better not to expect much when you notice these signs. Don’t blame yourself: A person who wishes to manipulate others in harmful ways searches for weaknesses to exploit, so it makes sense that someone who has been victimized by one might blame themselves or feel inadequate. But in a situation like this, you should remember that it isn’t you that’s the issue here; you are being pressured to feel bad by someone else who is very good at making people feel bad. This is how they get their way. Instead, think about the relationship you have with this person and ask yourself if they are respecting you, demanding reasonable things of you, and whether you are both benefiting, or only one of you is. Ask yourself, also, if you feel good about yourself after spending time with this person, or if you would feel better being around them less. The way you answer these questions will lead to important answers about where the issue lies in the situation. Questioning them: Eventually, this type of person is going to demand or request things from you. Many times, these requests or others will take their needs into consideration, while completely ignoring yours. Next time you receive a solicitation that is completely unreasonable, turn the focus back to them by asking some questions. Ask them if their request is reasonable, or if what they are asking from you is fair. You can also try asking if you get to have an opinion in this matter, or ask what benefit you will be gaining from the arrangement. Each time you ask questions like this, you are holding a mirror up to them,

allowing them to see what they are truly asking of you. If they are selfaware, they will likely retract their request or demand. But there may be some cases, such as dealing with a narcissist, who will keep insisting without even considering your questions. If that happens, follow these guidelines. Don’t Answer Immediately: One way to combat manipulation is to use time as a resource. Often, the manipulator will not only ask you to fulfill an unreasonable demand, but they will want an answer immediately. When this happens, rather than answering right away, use time and distance yourself from their request and influence. This can be done by telling them that you will think about it. Although these words are simple, they give your power back to you, giving you the option to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of the situation and let you work out something better, if need be. Teach yourself to say “No” when needed: Saying “no” is difficult for many people, since we are often taught and conditioned to be polite whenever possible. Being able to confidently but politely say “no” comes with learning communication skills. When this is articulated effectively, you can hold onto your self-respect, and also continue a healthy relationship. Keep in mind that your personal rights include deciding what matters to you, being able to turn down a request free from guilt, and choosing health and happiness for yourself. You are responsible for your life, not the person who is making unreasonable demands of you. Create a Consequence: Next time a negative manipulator tries to violate your rights, and refuses to accept your answer, set a consequence for their behavior. Knowing how to assert and identify appropriate consequences is a

crucial skill for standing down someone who is being very difficult or disrespectful. If you can articulate this clearly and thoroughly, your consequences will cause them to pause and stop violating you, shifting to a position of respect.

How to Confront a Bully in a Safe Way: Not all manipulators resort to bullying, but many of them do. Someone is being a bully when they use intimidation or harm to get what they want from you. Remember, always, that a bully chooses people they see as weak to pick on, and compliance and passivity will only strengthen this. However, a lot of bullies are afraid and insecure deep down, so when their victim starts to stand up for themselves, this will often lead the bully to back off. Whether this situation is occurring in a playground or at the office, it applies, most of the time. Keep in mind that many bullies have actually withstood bullying and violence. Although this doesn’t excuse their behaviors, it does help the victim to understand.

A Guide to Positive Manipulation (Persuasion) Leadership and manipulation go together, but there is a distinct difference between the types of manipulation and ethical (or positive) manipulation. Positive manipulation relies on using personal influence to gain a response or outcome. To put it another way, it relies on convincing someone to do what you are asking. This definition makes it easy to understand why the most powerful leaders in the world are often very skilled at ethical manipulation. Regardless of its negative connotations, manipulation is not always a bad thing. Actually, countless leaders in business could enjoy advantages from using some of these methods in their set of skills. One of these skills is using manipulation in a responsible, ethical, and positive way.

What makes Positive Manipulation Ethical? Positive, ethical manipulation methods have outcomes and goals that have been thoroughly defined, and are always motivated by goal-seeking and accomplishment. It’s not appropriate at all to try to manipulate people for pleasure or your own personal achievement, while disregarding their rights or desires. But it is necessary and appropriate to use this tactic as a way to help people achieve shared visions and to further an organization or business.

Chapter 17: Characteristics of Manipulative People

The Qualities of a Manipulative Person According to George Simon, a psychology writer, there are distinct qualities that define a manipulative person. If someone possesses these traits, their chances of being successful manipulators are extremely high. In the same way, if one lacks these traits, they cannot use other people to get to their selfish goals. I bet this is one of those qualifications we all do not want! In Simon’s words, a successful manipulator must: Have the ability to hide their aggressive nature and intentions from the public, and more so their potential targets. Have the ability to identify the vulnerable aspects of their potential victims so as to decide which approaches to use for efficient manipulation. Have an extraordinary level of ruthlessness in them to enable them to overcome the qualms that might arise from the harm they cause on their subjects. Ruthlessness can be emotional or physical. As we can see, the first trait that a manipulator needs so they can successfully influence other people is the ability to cover up their aggressive intentions and behaviors. Imagine if they went around telling of their dark secrets and plans, nobody would dare to befriend them for fear of being manipulated. Due to this, the manipulator develops a camouflage that hides their thoughts and plans from other people, so they end up appearing normal. Often, the victim walks into the trap with the least suspicion and might not realize it in the beginning. The oppressor will come off as a Good Samaritan, a best friend or a random person acting sweet. By the time the

target becomes suspicious, the manipulator already has enough information to successfully coerce them as they please. Next, the controller must have the skill to observe and determine the vulnerable traits of their victims. This is a typical application of the proverb that if you must cut down a tree, you better take your time to sharpen your ax. From the identified weak points, they can sit down and decide on the best approach to use so as to effectively manipulate them and attain their goals. At times, the manipulator will use observation to identify the vulnerabilities while in others, they need to interact with their subjects for a certain period of time. The final trait is that ruthlessness must be applied. It would be pointless for the manipulator to put in the work required in the above steps only to start worrying about what their victims will feel or what will happen to them. If they cared about anyone at all, they would not come up with these plans at all. That said, the manipulator puts all the care behind them and plays blind to any emotional or physical harm that may occur to the victim. To them, what matters is that they achieve their end goals. From these three traits, we can tell why manipulators succeed most of the time. The amount of planning and trickery that they use is bound to catch anyone off-guard. Due to this, the subject will not be quick to realize that they are in the middle of a manipulative process until the effects begin to show up. They might assume that the oppressor wishes them well, making them drop all defenses. By the time they come to their senses and want to get out, they are already stuck.

The Behaviors of Manipulative People We already know the traits that define a manipulative person. These are the requirements that one needs to possess before they can be potential manipulators. There are also traits that define a manipulator during the process of manipulation. In short, what are the behaviors that these people portray and use to actualize the process of manipulation? Let us discuss a couple of them.

Reinforcing In psychology, reinforcement is a stimulus, positive or negative, that increases or strengthens the probability of a certain outcome. When we talk of positive reinforcement, it is a tactic that a manipulator will use in public so as to pick their subjects. The manipulator will fake some moves such as loud laughter, random smiles, giving gifts, crocodile tears, excess apologies, exaggerated praise and temporary charm, to mention but a few. Positive reinforcement places the manipulator above random strangers and draws attention. The point of fake behavior is to make people want to befriend them. To be honest, if a person offers us a gift or starts a friendly chat, our minds immediately soften, and we want to return the favor. If we find an innocent-looking lady crying by herself at the park, we genuinely want to know how we can help. Unbeknownst to us, some of these people are out there hunting. In negative reinforcement, the manipulator will offer to “rescue” the victim out of a negative situation if they agree to do something in return. For example, a teacher might offer to grant a student pass grades after they have failed if the student offers sex in return. This is a tricky situation because

the victim is usually in a fix and at times, the offer by the manipulator might be their only way out. There is also intermittent reinforcement. This is a behavior where the manipulator creates a climate of doubt, hope, and fear. The victim, caught up in a maze of hope and doubt or fear, falls into a dilemma. Take gambling at the casino for an example. The odds at any game are set that in as much as the gambler will be losing some money, they will have intermittent wins in between the losses to blind them. If they take the bait, they continue playing for extended periods of time and only realize they have been on a losing streak when their pockets dry up. In the same way, a manipulator will throw regular rewards at the victim while manipulating them so they can keep them long enough until they have achieved their goals.

Rationalizing Rationalization is the act of making up excuses to make one appear innocent. Even if a manipulator were caught red-handed in the act of negatively influencing others, they would not accept it. Instead, they would come up with convincing reasons as to why they committed the act. In most cases, they claim to have been trying to help the victims.

Punishing Punishing, in this case, is not necessarily the use of a cane to flog someone. It is a method of control where the manipulator will deploy a set of behaviors to influence the psychology of a victim. Some of these punishment tactics include silent treatment, playing the victim, nagging, yelling, crying, threatening, and sulking, among others. The aim of the action is to make the victim feel guilty of something they might not have

done. If the victim plays along, they start apologizing, throwing them deep into the manipulator’s trap.

Minimizing Minimization is a combination of denial and rationalization. If caught, they defend themselves by stating that their behavior is not as negative as it appears. We have all met people who throw bad-tasting jokes at us, only to claim that they were mere jokes and should be taken lightly.

Explosiveness Explosive behavior, also known as traumatic one-trial learning, is the act where the manipulator will throw tantrums at the slightest provocation. The sudden reactions, which might include verbal abuse and explosive anger, are meant to discourage the subject from upsetting, confronting, or contradicting the oppressor. Beneath the skin, the manipulator is playing a game of dominance, intimidation, and superiority over the victim.

Diverting Issues When a manipulator is asked a question, especially one that relates to their conduct, they are excellent at diverting the questions. Instead of giving real or straight-to-the-point answers, they give confusing responses. Their aim is to try and distract the question, especially if it might expose their negative behavior. In most cases, they will respond vaguely then come up with a diversion tactic such as introducing another topic, asking a question of their own or exploding.

Lying Manipulators are masters at telling lies. Because their intentions and actions are generally unpleasant, they know that by being honest, nobody would fall for them. As such, they come up with lies. The lies that they fabricate

are so accurate that it is usually impossible to tell when they are false or not. While the truth might ultimately come out, it will usually be too late for the victim to respond. A manipulator will use any form of lies to convince their subjects and get their way.

Intimidation A manipulator likes to keep their victims on the defensive or in fear. They pile threats and blames on the victim so that it appears like the victim is at their mercy. Any time the victim tries to get away from them, they are threatened, forcing them to obey the manipulator. You have heard of relationships where either of the lovers threatens to leak indecent photos of their partner if they tried to walk out or report them. This is a common form of intimidation that is aided by the wide use of the internet.

Lying by Omission Omission lying, or propaganda, is closely related to lying, only that in the latter, everything the manipulator says is a lie. In omission lying, though, the controller will tell a truthful subject but omit important issues that needed to be highlighted. This is a form of manipulation that affects many parents today. A good example is when a child requests for money to buy some treats but end up buying drugs with the money. In this case, the child told the truth about needing money to buy “treats” while in reality, the treats were drugs. In short, if the parent knew the real intent of the child, they would not have given them the money.

Denial The whole life of a manipulator is lived in denial. They never see things for what they are because if they did, it would have to start with the bitter fact that their lives are messy. One of the reasons that a person will be okay with invading others’ lives and destroying them is because they hate theirs. Another behavior that is common with manipulators is that any time a manipulator is accused of anything, they will refuse to take responsibility regardless of whether there is evidence or not. In fact, they will reverse the blame and place it on the subject.

Playing the victim The final behavior we will discuss, which is common in manipulators is playing the victim. No matter how ruthless these people can get, they always make the world think they are oppressed, despite being the oppressors. This method usually works in their favor because when they appear hurt, they easily evoke feelings of pity, sympathy, and compassion. The majority of people in the world are willing to help others who are suffering, and manipulators are fond of exploiting such people and using them to further their plans.

Examples of Manipulation At this point in your reading, you are conversant with how manipulation happens. You have probably realized that someone has been manipulating you or you were once a victim. Manipulation occurs in all levels of life. You might be manipulated by your sibling or spouse. On a much larger scale, one country might manipulate another. That said, we are now going to look at examples of manipulation. Some of the examples occur every day, while others only arise during specific events. Primarily, we focus on personal-level manipulation, you will find that there is no difference between grand-scale manipulation and individual level manipulation. The principles are the same, and what may differ are the methods applied.

Advertisement Had you thought of advertising as a form of manipulation? The aim of all advertisements is always to inform the audience. Obviously, there are positive and negative advertisements. For example, we have advertisements which call for charity to assist needy people. If we dissect such an advert, we can see that in as much as it sways the audience into contributing, the end goal is for the good of other people and not the advertisers. Again, such adverts provide truthful information which a person can verify before making their contributions. On the darker side of adverts, and which we are constantly exposed to, the aim is usually to persuade us to purchase products for the aim of profits for the advertisers. The problem with some of these adverts is that they might promise too much which they cannot deliver. Today, there are thousands of forex trading brokers who splash websites with ads that promise lavish lifestyles. Unsuspecting clients might get drawn in, only to later realize that forex is equivalent to gambling, and most people who trade end up making losses. Similarly, some ads use public figures to endorse their products. They know that by associating a product with a popular person, the consumers can trust the products and feel a connection with the figure. Sexuality is also applied in pushing products. Nude models are used to catch the attention of consumers, even when sexuality and the product being marketed have no connection. All of these are mind control techniques that are carefully scripted to convince consumers to spend.

At Work Employed people might not realize it, but most organizations use covert manipulation to keep them motivated. The end goal of such organizations is not to motivate them but increase output and make more profits or grow. We all go to work and put in our best show because the management promises bonuses and promotions. There are regular pieces of training that are used to remind us of such rewards, which amount to manipulation. There are also punishments in the event that one fails to meet set thresholds or if they break certain rules. Punishments include demotions, penalties, suspensions, and sacking. Since the employees are manipulated to perceive punishments as justice for violating rules, they accept them and try hard not to break them. On another level, harassment at work is a common occurrence today. Stories are always emerging about hiring managers soliciting for bribes such as money or sex so as to hire employees. The victims are blinded with the reward of work and get torn between retaining professionalism and giving into the manipulator’s demands. Even within organizations, employees are sometimes threatened with punishment if they reject advances by their superiors. Collectively these are all forms of manipulation.

In Relationships This is one of the most notorious channels for manipulation, although, at times, it may happen without both the victim and manipulator realizing it. Manipulation in relationships might take a lot of forms. One of the common manifestations is when one partner becomes the dominant lover. They make all the decisions and expect their partner to obey them without objections. This explains why people fight, quarrel, divorce, or kill each other, yet they live together. There will be a partner who cries when arguments arise just to attract sympathy. Others shout in rage or offer cold treatment to dominate over the other. Punishments and rewards are also common in romantic relationships. We can take the case of “gold diggers,” that is, people who engage in romantic or sexual relationships as long as they are rewarded with money. If the reward is taken away, there are chances that the relationship will end. Similarly, some relationships use sex as the reward, where one partner is persuaded to do something in return for sex. In both of these situations, there is one party who loses in order for the other to gain.

Cults Cults are some of the most manipulative social organizations known today. Since most of them deviate from normal or acceptable human acts and beliefs, they need to control the minds of their followers to ensure control and conformity. Cult leaders tend to portray themselves as superior leaders. To do so, they relate themselves with supernatural beings or powers. It is typical to hear them being addressed as closer to God than others while some refer to themselves as gods. The aim is to demand submission from their members, and so they can exercise mind control on them. Another trait seen in cults is seclusion from the public. Some cults prohibit their members from interacting with non-members citing pollution or purity. The members are influenced to the extent of cutting ties with friends, family, and even employment. While the reasons provided might be made to look like the members are being protected, seclusion is actually meant to reduce the chance of redemption. Cult leaders know that the more their members interact with others, the likelier they are to see the truth. Cults are good examples of mass manipulation.

Chapter 18: The 4 Dark Psychology Traits After taking a look at the different types of persuasion and what they all mean, you may be able to see why dark persuasion is such a bad thing and can be harmful for the victim. Being able to recognize the different techniques that the manipulator may use can make it easier to understand when it is being used on you. So, how exactly is a dark persuader able to use this idea in order to carry out their wishes? There are a few different types of tactics that a dark manipulator is going to use, but some of the most common options include:

The Long Con The first method that we are going to look at is the Long Con. This method is kind of slow and drawn out, but it can be really effective because it takes so long and is hard to recognize or even pinpoint when something went wrong. Some of the main reasons that some people have the ability to resist persuasion is because they feel that they are being pressured by the other person, and this can make them back off. If they feel that there is a lack of rapport or trust with the person who is trying to persuade them, they will steer clear as well. The Long Con is so effective because they are able to overcome these main problems and give the persuader exactly what they want. The Long Con is going to involve the dark persuader to take their time, working to earn the trust of their victim. They are going to take some time to befriend the victim and make sure that their victim trusts and likes them. This is going to be achieved by the persuader with artificial rapport building, which sometimes seems excessive, and other techniques that will help to increase the comfort levels between the persuader and their victim. As soon as the persuader sees that the victim is properly readied psychologically, the persuader is going to begin their attempts. They may start out with some insincere positive persuasion. The persuader is going to lead their victim into making a choice or doing some action that will actually benefit the persuader. This is going to serve the persuader in two ways. First, the victim starts to become used to persuasion by that persuader. The second is that the victim is going to start making that mental association between a positive outcome and the persuasion.

The Long Con is going to take a long period of time to complete because the persuader doesn’t want to make it too obvious what they are doing. An example of this is a victim who is a recently widowed lady who is vulnerable because of their age and from their bereavement. After her loss, a man starts to befriend her. This man may be someone she knows from church or even a relative. He starts to spend more time with her, showing immense kindness and patience, and it doesn’t take too long for her guard to drop when he comes around. Then this man starts to carry out some smaller acts of positive persuasion that we talked about before. He may advise her of a better bank account to use or a better way to reduce any monthly bills. The victim is going to appreciate these efforts and the fact that the man is trying to help her and she takes the advice. Over some time, the man then tries to use some dark persuasion. He may try to persuade her to let him invest some of her money. She obliges because of the positive persuasion that was used in the past. Of course, the man is going to work to take everything he can get from her. If the manipulator is skilled enough, she may feel that he actually tried to help her, but the money is lost because he just ran into some bad luck with the investment. This is how far dark persuasion can go.

Gradualist Often when we hear about acts of dark persuasion, it seems impossible and unbelievable. What they fail to realize is that this dark persuasion isn’t ever going to be a big or a sudden request that comes out of nowhere. Dark persuasion is more like a staircase. The dark persuader is never going to ask the victim to do something big and dramatic the first time they meet. Instead, they will have the victim take one step at a time. When the manipulator has the target only go one step at a time, the whole process seems like less of a big deal. Before the victim knows it, they have already gone a long way down, and the persuader isn’t likely to let them leave or come back up again. Let’s take an example of how this process is going to look in real life. Let’s say that there is a criminal who wanted to make it so that someone else committed the crimes for them. Gang bosses, cult leaders, and even Charles Manson did this exact same thing. This criminal wouldn’t dream of beginning the process by asking their victim to murder for them. This would send out a red flag, and no one in their right minds would willingly go out and kill for someone they barely know. Instead, the criminal would start out by having the victim do something small, like a petty crime, or simply hiding a weapon for them. Something that isn’t that big of a deal for the victim, at least in comparison. Over time, the acts that the manipulator is able to persuade their victim to do will become more severe. And since they did the smaller crimes, the persuader now has the unseen leverage of holding some of those smaller

misdeeds over the victim, kind of like for blackmail. Before the victim knows it, they are going to feel like they are in too deep. They will then be persuaded to carry out some of the most shocking crimes. And often, by this point, they will do it because they feel like they have no other choice. Dark persuaders are going to be experts at using this gradualist to help increase the severity of their persuasion over time. They know that no victim would be willing to jump the canyon or do the big crime or misdeed right away. So, the persuader works to build them a bridge to get there. By the time the victim sees how far in they are, it is too late to turn back.

Chapter 19: Psychological Manipulation Techniques

Gaslighting Gas-lighting is one of the most lethal psychological manipulation techniques out there. It’s where a manipulator tries to get their target to start questioning their own reality. It involves getting someone to doubt their own memories and perceptions, and instead, to start believing what the manipulator wants them to believe. The manipulator will sow seeds of doubt in the person so that they start thinking that either they remember things wrong, or they are losing their sanity. Gaslighting involves the persistent denial of things that obvious facts. It also involves a lot of misdirection, contradictions, and blatant lying. When a person is subjected to gaslighting for a long time, they start to become unstable, and they start feeling as though their own beliefs are illegitimate. One common example of gaslighting is where an abuser convinces the victim that the abusive incident she recalls did not even occur. This phenomenon is more common than you might imagine, and it happens in all sorts of relationships. An abusive spouse might deny ever abusing you when confronted later, by either blatantly denying that they abuse occurred, or claiming that it didn’t happen as you remember and that your version of the events is greatly exaggerated. A manipulative boss or colleague might prey on a subordinate and later deny that it happened that way. Someone who groped you might later claim that they "accidentally brushed against you," and they may insist on it so much, to the point that you start thinking that maybe you were mistaken.

You may wonder; “How does it even work? I mean, I have a firm grasp of my own reality, and I doubt someone could be able to convince me that my perceptions are wrong!” It’s easy to assume that gaslighting won’t work on you because you are smart or because you are strong-willed, but the truth is that when a manipulator is good at what he is doing, you might not even see it coming. The way it works is that it often starts with small lies on the manipulator's part and small concessions on your part. Say, for example, your boyfriend shows up a few minutes late to an appointment when you had agreed to meet at a specific time, and he insists that he is on time and that it’s you who came in and is mistaken about the timing that you agreed upon. At that moment, you might think, "Well, a 10minute difference isn't such a big deal, and maybe we just got our lines crossed". You could dismiss this small discrepancy because it seems inconsequently, but that will just be the beginning. The next time, the lie will get a little bigger, and you will feel obligated to excuse it as well, because you already let something else slide, so it would seem inconsistent if you made a big fuss at this point. After that initial seed is sown, the lies will start to escalate, and you will continue making concessions and agreeing with things that you know are lies, until one day, you realize that you are so far gone. You might not even notice when the small lies graduate into bigger lies. In every step of the way, you will be letting go of your reality and accepting the other person's version of things, and you will find yourself trusting their judgment over your own.

In a nutshell, gaslighting involves desensitizing you to your own reality, until the truth becomes what the other person says it is. Gaslighting is more likely to work in situations where there is a power dynamic between two people, or between a person and a group of people. In a relationship where the victim is financially or emotionally dependent on the manipulator, the victim may accept to let go of her reality because its more comfortable to do so than to stand up to the manipulator, only to end up losing the relationship. In the workplace, a subordinate may go along with the boss’s lies because he is afraid of losing his job. In a situation where a leader gaslight his followers, it often works because deep within, the followers want to believe whatever lies the leader is telling them. There are several techniques that gas lighters use to get a stranglehold on their victims. One such technique is withholding. This is where the manipulator refuses to listen to what the victim says or pretends not to understand what they are saying. You might bring up something important, but the response you get is, "I don't even remember this thing you keep talking about." Another gaslighting technique is called countering. This is where the manipulator questions the victim’s memory of the events in questions. They say things like “Were you even sober? Because that is not how that happened." The manipulator would then go on to offer an entirely different version of the story, where he casts himself as the hero or even the "real victim." Gas lighters also use blocking and diverting as a manipulation technique. This is where they change the story or question the way the victim is thinking in order to avoid addressing whatever issue the victim is raising.

Projection Projection is a psychological manipulation technique where someone transfers their emotions and mistakes onto you. Projection is a defense mechanism that almost everyone uses to some extent. We all have a natural tendency to project our negative emotions and undesirable feelings onto the people around us, and this often happens when we feel like we have been put on the spot. However, in as much as we all do it, narcissists and people with other dark personality traits tend to do it excessively and to absurd extents. Toxic people find it very difficult to admit even to themselves that the nasty things around them could be a result of their own doing, and they always find people to blame for every little thing that happens. Such people often go out of their way to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. As a result, they may assign their negative behavior and traits to you. For example, if you have a boss who is always late to work, you might be surprised to find him accusing you of tardiness even if you are consistently punctual. A kleptomaniac is more likely to accuse you of stealing his/her personal items. In relationships, a manipulator who cheats on your is more likely to accuse you of cheating in him/her or to act in a way that suggests that he/she suspects you of cheating. When a person is cheating on you, he may choose to spy on you by checking your messages, phone calls, and emails, and he is more likely to barrage you with questions every time you are a few minutes late. Now, a good partner may get a little suspicious or insecure if you suddenly become more secretive or absent, but if your partner starts treating

you with suspicion even if you acting completely normal, chances are they are the ones who are cheating, and they are just projecting it onto you.

Isolation We all have social support systems that help us cope with difficult situations and keep us from making decisions that are bad for us. We have friends and family members who take notice when our behavior changes, or when we start hanging out with "bad people," and they always watch our backs. Manipulators understand this, and one of the first things that they'll do when trying to gain control over your life is to isolate you. Isolation facilitates abuse because it takes away any recourse that you might have when someone starts getting abusive. It closes a victim's avenues of escape, and it increases their sense of helplessness. It ensures that when things go south, there's no one there to rescue you. It increases the power that the abuser or manipulator has over the victim because it makes the victim more dependent on the abuser. Isolating the victim from the outside world is widely used by all sort of manipulators. When a cult leader tries to indoctrinate young recruits, he will make sure that they are locked away so that he can have complete control over the information that they receive. The same happens in abusive relationships, workplace bullying, and many other areas. When an abuser sets out to isolate you, he will start by driving a wedge between you and the people that you depend on. He will learn everything about the dynamics between you and your family and friends, and he will use the weaknesses in your bonds to sow distrust and conflict. For example, if a guy knows that you are close with your sister, but you have some unresolved childhood conflicts with her, he may try to reignite those conflicts so that you start drifting apart.

In the workplace, a manipulator may create animosity between you and your colleagues so that they get mad at you and stop siding with you or watching your back. If you join a cult or any sort of group and the leader is a manipulator, he may insist that you cut ties with your family and friends, and only depend on other people within that group. Rivals in business, at work, or even in your personal life can isolate you by smearing your name and discrediting you with other members of the community. “Divide and conquer” is also a form of isolation that is used especially by people with the Machiavellianism trait. In this instance, the manipulator is using isolation as a double-edged sword to gain control over both parties that are being pulled apart from each other.

Positive Reinforcement We always think of positive reinforcement as a good thing, but malicious people can also use it to manipulate their victims. The fact is that we all use positive reinforcement in one form or another. Parents use it to get their kids to behave properly, teachers use it to make their students more interested in school, bosses use it to encourage productivity, and partners use it to modify each other’s behavior in relationships. It is an integral part of our social interactions, but it only becomes a problem when it’s detrimental of the person it’s being used on. Positive reinforcement happens when a good or desirable stimulus is presented in such a way that it appears to be a consequence of certain behavior. For example, a child who eats his vegetables gets a scoop of icecream at the end of the meal, and it registers in his mind that those two things are intricately linked. An employee who works hard and becomes more productive gets a bonus at the end of the month, and her brain makes the connection between the hard work and the extra disposable income. The next time the person has to perform the same activity, he/she will recall the positive feeling or the reward and will take a course of action that ensures he/she gets a similar outcome. When manipulators use positive reinforcements, they are always trying to get you to do things that benefit them. For example, an abusive person in a relationship may buy you a gift after a major abusive incident in order to keep you from leaving or reporting him. You may have heard of people who hit their spouses and then buy them flowers the next day. In such cases, the abuser is trying to get you to accept the abuse as a norm that comes with a reward. The message here is that "if you shut up, you get something nice."

Negative Reinforcement Negative reinforcement is a form of psychological manipulation which is used to make people feel obligated to act in certain ways in order to avoid certain levels of mental or physical pain or discomfort. In positive reinforcement, you get a reward for acting the way the manipulator wants you to act, and the desire for that reward is what modifies your behavior in the future. Negative reinforcement is, however, a bit more complicated than that. To understand the concept of negative reinforcement, you first have to understand how it’s different from punishment. Both of them are popular manipulation techniques, but there is a subtle difference between them. Many people assume that they are the same thing, but they are not. In punishment, the manipulator adds something negative when you don't act a certain way. In negative reinforcement, the manipulator subtracts something negative when you act the way they want you to act. Reinforcement is meant to strengthen voluntary responses, while punishment is meant to weaken voluntary responses; the manipulator will choose one method or the other based on the kind of outcome that they desire in that particular situation.

Punishment In psychological manipulation, punishment is a negative action that is taken by the manipulator to weaken the victim’s voluntary responses. Punishment works because it makes the victim fear the consequences of going against the will of the manipulator. We have already looked at how punishment differs from negative reinforcement, but we should point out that in some instances, those two can overlap. In this segment, we will take a look at some of the most common types of punishment that people with dark personality traits use to manipulate their victims.

Nagging Nagging, also known as pestering or hectoring, is a form of manipulation where one person continuously urges another to do something, despite the other person previously refusing to do it or to agree to do it at a later time. One author famously described nagging as an interaction where one person makes a repeated request while the other person repeatedly ignores that request, and both people become annoyed as the battle of wills escalates. Although it has negative connotations, nagging is actually an integral part of interpersonal communication in many social dynamics. Parents nag their kids to get them to do certain things. In fact, nagging is necessary when training children to take up certain constructive habits. Nagging may also be used by well-meaning people; friends or partners may nag you to do things that benefit you. In fact, some amount of nagging is necessary even in healthy relationships. However, people with dark personality traits may nag you to do things that benefit them and impact you negatively.

Yelling Yelling works as a manipulation technique for one simple reason; it makes you feel uncomfortable or afraid to the point that you comply with whatever the manipulator wants you to do. There are two main ways in which manipulators use yelling to manipulate others. People either yell to dominate over you, or to play the victim and to gain your sympathy. Yelling can be used to intimidate someone. When a manipulative person yells at you, he may be trying to intimidate you because you are more likely to do what he wants if you are afraid of them. Manipulative people resort to yelling partly because at that moment; they know that they are unable to make a logical argument to get you to do what they want. They know that if you stick to the facts of the matter, you might come out on top, so they yell because they want to disorient you and make you lose the argument by default.

Silent treatment The silent treatment works as a manipulation technique because it's a form of love withdrawal. When a person gives you the silent treatment, they are essentially saying, "I’m taking away the love unless you do what I want." It is a form of punishment that is designed to control people, and it's a very popular type of emotional abuse. The silent treatment only works in cases where there is some level of emotional dependency between the two parties (you don't really care if a total stranger gave you the silent treatment). In certain dynamics, the silent treatment can be used to make you feel powerless and invisible; as if you don’t even exist. As social beings, we need the approval and the affection of others to thrive. Even people who are introverted need to have some sort of back and forth with the people in their lives to feel whole. When someone gives you the silent treatment, they deny you that affection, and it can mess with you psychologically, and force you to make certain concessions that you aren't ready to make.

Chapter 20: Types of Emotional Manipulation

What is Emotional Manipulation? Now that we have covered the basic foundations of dark psychology, including the concept of seriously dangerous psychopathy and the irreversible movement toward the Dark Singularity, you may feel a sense of relief that these societal problems have been identified, and that a system for addressing them has been established. In addition, you may also breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the most serious offenders are somewhat rare, and that your chances of encountering them on a daily basis are fairly low. If you agree that knowledge of the traits of dark psychology is a good first step toward protecting yourself from these dangers—that’s great! Knowledge is power, more so in the information age than ever. However, the truth of dark psychology is that lower levels of these deviant personality traits are extremely common. Worse yet, they are often legitimized by the very institutions and people we depend upon to address such violations. Especially in the contemporary environment, in which technology has fostered and encouraged the development of alienation and anti-social lifestyles to the unprecedented degree that they now provide a potentially viable and sustainable means of financial and social support, understanding how dark psychology manifests itself can make the difference between success and failure. As the following diagram illustrates, your ability to establish a high level of emotional intelligence has a direct effect on your job performance: We will explore how people who exhibit deviant personality traits may use dark psychology to manipulate and control others.

Types of Emotional Manipulation Discussing manipulative behavior accurately requires that we examine this problem from two perspectives: from the perspective of clinical psychology and from the perspective of every-day relationships. We will begin by discussing different types of emotional manipulation using clinical terminology. Many clinical psychologists have studied and classified manipulative behavior according to well-established theories of behavior modification and cognitive learning. We will look first at some of the techniques identified by a few of these psychologists before looking at real-world examples and signs that someone is trying to manipulate you.

Characteristics of a Manipulative Relationship First, one theory states that emotional manipulation is essentially a onesided activity in which all of the effort to create, execute, and sustain a manipulative relationship is made by the manipulator. Such relationships generally have three defining characteristics: Concealment: The true motivations of the manipulator—aggression and control—are concealed by behavior that appears friendly and helpful. It is more difficult to conceal problems with aggression and control in our personal, intimate relationships, our friendships, and our relationships among family members. As a result, these types of relationships are more likely to develop in the workplace or in your community among business owners and their staff or other professionals. For example, you may encounter a co-worker who, on the surface, is always friendly toward you at work. This person may always be willing to find a place for you at the table during lunch break or may always appear at your cubicle with a smile and offer lots of encouragement and advice. This type of conduct in itself may be a good sign. However, if this relationship ultimately leads to a friendship outside of the office, an emotional manipulator may misinterpret your intent. In the less-regulated world outside of the workplace, emotional predators may exploit the trust they have established by making unreasonable demands on your time, asking for favors, and putting pressure on you to agree by suggesting there could be repercussions at work. A truly gifted manipulator will know how to make this threatening behavior look and feel

friendly and perfectly reasonable until you have been too badly compromised to take any action to reverse course. Profiling: The manipulator will have studied the vulnerabilities of the victim, so that he or she will be able to exploit them more effectively. This type of predatory conduct has become much worse in the current environment of surveillance and social networking sites. We will examine some of the character traits that make people more attractive targets for emotional manipulation. Often in the work environment, this type of personality can manifest itself without your awareness. Especially if you work for a large company, anyone who has access to personnel records or other sources of information may feel they have the luxury to profile you so that when they do finally approach, they will appear quite calm and confident. If someone with whom you have had little or no direct contact seems to know a lot about you, you should be cautious. Often, being overly enthusiastic, paying you a lot of compliments, and telling you that you have earned a great reputation is a technique used to hide the true intentions of the manipulator. Amorality: The manipulator will possess high degrees of amorality and a lack of remorse, both of which enable behavior that is ruthless, cunning, and treacherous. Often, we expect that a simple, polite request to cease harmful, rude, or disruptive behavior should be sufficient to end predatory or violative misconduct. Although we may be right, Dark Triad personalities who lack empathy find it easy to engage in amoral behavior. Even worse, far from feeling any remorse as a result of committing abuses, they often feel a great

sense of joy, victory, and accomplishment. As the saying goes, such reactions add insult to injury. Further, in the competitive business environment, this type of dishonest and illegal behavior may be rewarded. Meanwhile, the efforts of diligent, honest employees may go unrewarded, and their complaints of abuse may result in punishments levied against them rather than the perpetrators. Categories of Emotionally Manipulative Behavior Understanding the basic dynamics of manipulative and abusive relationships is important. Each of these general types of relationships may be characterized by specific types of behavior. Psychologists have identified many specific techniques of behavior modification commonly employed by emotional manipulators. Some of these techniques include: Positive reinforcement: This technique was identified by the behavioral psychologist B.F. Skinner, whose theory of operant conditioning resulted from his experiments with small animals placed in cages. In his experiment to prove the theory of positive reinforcement, he used cages equipped with two levers—one lever did nothing, while the other produced a food pellet whenever the small animal pushed it. Soon, the animals learned through positive reinforcement which lever to push to get their reward. Emotional manipulators employ positive reinforcement in their strategies by using techniques such as praise, false and superficial demonstrations of emotions such as charm and sympathy, excessive rewards including gifts, money, approval, and attention, and other outward demonstrations of emotion meant to make the victim feel good. Negative reinforcement: The other part of Skinner’s experiment proved the effectiveness of negative reinforcement. For this part of his experiment,

small animals were again placed in cages, which were again equipped with two levers. This time, the cages were charged with a mild voltage of electricity that caused slight discomfort to the animals that were placed in them. Once inside the cages, the animals would press one of the two levers. One of the levers did not produce any results, while the other stopped the electrical current, relieving the discomfort. Soon, the animals learned to press the lever that lessened their pain. Emotional manipulators employ negative reinforcement in their strategies by using techniques such as removing someone from a difficult situation or relieving them of the responsibility to complete a previously agreed job or task in exchange for some type of favor. Intermittent reinforcement: Intermittent reinforcement can be either positive or negative and is used to create doubt, fear, or uncertainty. An emotional manipulator may “train” his or her victim by imposing inconsistent reward and punishment mechanisms to lessen the victim’s sense of confidence, control, and autonomy. For example, in a romantic relationship, the predator may condition the victim to wear certain clothing, listen to certain music, eat certain types of food, and work at a certain type of job. As the victim in this relationship gains confidence, the predator may begin to discourage their victim, who will be caught off guard. As the victim scrambles to respond, the manipulator may again change tactics. Punishment: Punishment is a very basic form of emotional manipulation that may involve an entire range of psychologically and emotionally negative and damaging behavior, such as threats, yelling, nagging, complaining, intimidation, insults, guilt, and other forms of emotional

blackmail. Skilled predators may find a way to incorporate this abusive and controlling behavior into the relationship over time, so that the victim will develop a tolerance for abuse. Traumatic one-trial learning: This technique is related to the use of punishments, but rather than a feature of a long-term relationship, these techniques involve discrete episodes in which the manipulator uses verbal abuse, demonstrations of anger, and other forms of dominance and intimidation to discourage the victim from certain types of behavior.

Specific Types of Emotional Manipulation Within these major categories of emotional manipulation techniques, psychologists have also identified a wide range of more subtle variations that we all likely encounter on a daily basis. These techniques include: Lying: Dark Triad personalities, particularly psychopaths, are highly skilled at lying and cheating, so often that we may not detect their intent until it is too late. Beware of those who have demonstrated a pattern of dishonesty. Lying by omission - In this case, lying by omission is considerably subtle. The predator may not say anything that is untrue but may withhold information that is necessary in an effort to cause you to fail. Denial: Often the damage from emotional manipulation is inflicted after the fact. When you confront someone with evidence of their dishonesty and abuse, their refusal to admit wrongdoing can cause even greater psychological harm. Rationalization: The increase in popular news media has led to the growth of public relations and marketing firms who produce “spin” to deflect criticism in both political and corporate environments. Rationalization is a form of spin, in which a manipulator explains away his or her abuse. Minimization: Like rationalization, minimization is a form of denial in which the predator understates the seriousness of his or her offense. Selective attention and/or inattention: Manipulators will pick and choose which parts of an argument or debate should be considered so that only their views are represented. Diversion: Manipulators often resist giving straight answers to questions, particularly when they are confronted by their victim. Instead, they will

divert the conversation to some other topic or Evasion: More serious than diversion, a manipulative person confronted with his or her own guilt will often completely evade responsibility by using long rambling responses filled with so-called “weasel words,” like “most people would say,” “according to my sources,” or other phrases that falsely legitimize their excuses. Covert intimidation: Many manipulative people will make implied threats to discourage further inquiries or resolution. Guilt tripping: A true form of emotional manipulation, a manipulator will exploit the integrity and conscientiousness of the victim by accusing them of being too selfish, too irresponsible, or not caring enough. Shaming: Although shaming can be used to bring about social change when large corporations or governments advance abusive or discriminatory policies, manipulators may attempt to intimidate their victims by using sharp criticism, sarcastic comments, or insults to make them feel bad. Blaming the victim - This tactic has become increasingly common. When a victim accuses a predator of abuse, the predator will attempt to turn it around by creating a scenario in which the victim alone is responsible for the harm that came to him. The predator may also try to accuse the victim of being the aggressor by complaining about the violation. Playing the victim - Using the opposite tactic of blaming the victim, the predator will lure a conscientious person into a trap by pretending to have been grievously wounded and cultivating feelings of sympathy. The real plan, however, is to take advantage of the caring nature of the conscientious person by toying with their emotions.

Playing the servant: This tactic is common in environments marked by a strict, well-established chain of command, like the military. Predators become skilled at manipulating this system by creating a persona of suffering and nobility, in which their bad actions are justified as duty, obedience, and honor. Seduction: This technique does not always have to involve sexual conquest or intimacy. Emotional predators may use flattery and charm to convince people to do their bidding, and they often look for people with low selfesteem. Projection: This term is used in psychotherapy. Predators who use this technique will look for victims to use as scapegoats. When the manipulator does something wrong and is confronted, he or she will “project” his or guilt onto the victim in an effort to make the victim look like the responsible party. Feigning innocence: This technique can be used as part of a strategy of denial. Under questioning, the manipulator will “play innocent” by pretending that any violation was unintentional or that they were not the party who committed the violation. A skilled manipulator who lacks morality and empathy can be very successful at planting the seed of doubt. Feigning confusion: This technique can also be used as part of a strategy of denial. Under questioning, the manipulator will “play dumb” or pretend to be confused about the central point of the conflict or dispute. By creating confusion, the manipulator hopes to damage the confidence of his or victim. Peer pressure: By using claims, whether true or not, that the victim’s friends, associates, or “everyone else” is doing something, the manipulator will put pressure on his victim to change his or her behavior or attitude.

Chapter 21: Persuasion with NLP Method

Models of neuro-linguistic programming Strategies The neuro-linguistic programming theory states that every aspect of the world that we live in is one or a blend of five key strategies. However, over the past decade, psychologists have added two more.

Memory We have talked about how we use our senses to gather data from the external world. Well, our memories come into play when we are processing these inputs. Notice how you tend to access certain experiences when you are trying to determine whether or not an act is good, neutral, or evil. Moreover, this is the same process utilized when you are learning from a mistake or relishing in the memory of your past achievements. You may be unconscious toward this process, but each and every one of us is always retrieving information from our memory so that we can use it in our decision-making and critical thinking.

Belief As soon as you process these memories, you establish your own set of interpretations and beliefs. By looking at your experiences, you begin to allow yourself to believe in a higher state that is achievable. With this, you try to aim for something higher. Moreover, you also allow yourself to believe in concepts that will aid your journey in achieving something higher than your current state.

Motivation The strategical concept of motivation is a combination of memory, belief, and decision. You see, memory is accessed by the individual so that reality

is set. Then, you start to compare this set reality to a higher state. You decide which of the options available to you can lead you this higher state. With all of these combined, you feel motivated to achieve your goals. Motivation is typically different from each individual as it would depend on one’s belief and experience.

Decision As soon as you realize that there is a higher state that can be achieved, you start to notice the options that are available to you, and you begin to evaluate which of these can help you achieve your goals. You undergo an assessment of what you have experienced in the past, your current situation, and your possible future. After which, you identify how each option can lead you to success. These will serve as your guide on the road to achieving your ideal future. Keep in mind that this strategy is in relation to TestOperation-Test-Exit (TOTE), which is the strategical model that is traditionally used by psychologists.

Learning Finally, the strategy of learning incorporates memory, decision, and motivation so that you are much more efficient in achieving your goals. Memory is accessed so that you are much more knowledgeable as to how you can handle the current tasks. Moreover, your past decisions allow you to assess all of your successes and failures. As a result, you’ll be inclined to make wiser decisions in the future. Motivation, on the other hand, will prevent you from making the same mistakes. With these strategies, you’ll be forced to acquire information on what you already know, what you have experienced in the past, and what you plan on doing.

Sub modalities

We have already established that an individual will use their five basic senses, which are gustatory or the sense of taste, visual or the sense of sight, olfactory or the sense of smell, auditory or the sense of hearing, and of course, kinesthetic or the sense of touch; these are referred to as modalities in neuro-linguistic programming. Do note that these modalities are basically systems of representations that are transmitted and sorted out by the brain. These are the things that affect how we see the world. Furthermore, these modalities can be broken down into submodalities or subjective divisions. One fair example would be to look at a particular experience and determine whether they are considered as a good or bad experience. Depending on what you have experienced in the past, you would say that it is a good experience or a bad one. One person as unimportant can view it, while another would see it as life changing. Thus, these sub modalities play a crucial role in your development as an individual. It affects you on a larger scale, and it transforms your personality based on how you transform past experiences. Moreover, there are certain techniques you can use to establish an entirely different perspective on unpleasant experiences. This idea does not necessarily mean you have to alter reality or completely ignore it. You are only providing sub modalities to subjective experiences so that you are better able to alter your attitude into a more useful one for success and learning.

Anchoring When it comes to anchoring, you are actually connecting memories to a stimulus. This stimulus, which is referred to by some as an anchor, becomes a set off to the initial reaction. Do note that a particular anchor does not necessarily have any rational connection to the initial reaction. However, the utilization of these anchors will allow you to stimulate reactions that can change your behavioral patterns toward a condition. The stimuli of sound, sight, smell, taste, and touch are used in neuro-linguistic programming to bring about a particular mindset. This situation can be a memory that you wish to access so that you can change your perspective in life into something more positive. As soon as the stimulus is initialized, it elicits a certain mindset with specific emotions and thoughts. This is why hearing an old song makes you feel nostalgic about your childhood. In NLP, anchoring becomes useful because you are given a chance to associate certain triggers that you wish to achieve. You are given the power to establish an anchor, as well as create a stimulus and induce a state of mind that is essential for you to achieve success. For example: when someone you love gives you a memento, such as a locket, then this locket becomes the trigger. Moreover, your memories with that person become a state of mind. These two are closely tied together that at times when you look at the particular object, you immediately think about the individual who handed it to you, a resourceful state. These anchors can be either visual, kinesthetic, or auditory. You can utilize these as tools to create a mental image that is easily retrievable from your memory so that you are better able to facilitate a response. This tactic improves an individual’s critical and subjective point of view of the environment.

You may ask how all of these are essential to dark psychology and the power of manipulation. You need to be able to read them first. If you want to read people, then you would need to have a keen eye as to what their anchors are. Aside from paying attention to how their body reacts to certain things, knowledge of these anchors can actually facilitate in the gathering of information on the one being manipulated.

Visual anchors One common misconception about visual anchors is that these are only external. However, visual anchors can be both external and internal. When talking about external visual anchors, we are pertaining to what is literally seen by the naked eye. An internal visual anchor, on the other hand, pertains to the use of our imagination. Going back to our example of the locket, the external anchor is the locket itself, whereas, the internal anchor could be a mental image of the person who gave you the locket. Visual anchors can be objects, people, places, or shapes. This is why some things in our life possess sentimental value.

Auditory anchors Similar to visual anchors, auditory anchors can also be internal or external. The exact tune or sound that you hear is actually an auditory anchor that is external, whereas, when you hear the voice in your head, this is more of an internal auditory anchor. Listening to a particular song to help soothe you is an excellent example of an external auditory anchor. Moreover, you can also recall the voice of your big sister calming you and relate it with a fond memory in your childhood so that you are better able to relax.

Kinesthetic anchors

When talking about internal kinesthetic anchors, we are pertaining to imagined actions or gestures received because you did something great. It could be a memory of a hug, handshake, or a pat on the back. Do note that these are all imagined. These are usually associated with a feeling of success or achievement. As for external kinesthetic anchors, these are the actual hugs felt, handshakes made, and the literal pat on the back.

Trans-derivational search This kind of search, which is also known as TDS, is a phrase utilized at times when an individual attempts to search for the meaning of ambiguous statements. It is a fundamental human tendency to look for the missing pieces of data from our experiences and memory to provide significance to these incomplete statements. There is a present state of confusion experienced by the individual during the time when the search is being executed; this actually allows you to experience a trance-like feeling. Neuro-linguistic programming experts can easily put their patients into a trance-like condition or state of hypnosis because of this. You have a better chance of manipulating another person by taking advantage of the window at which they are experiencing TDS. This is made possible by mentioning ambiguous and incomplete statements.

Leading statements If you want to utilize the concepts under TDS, then you should master how to create leading statements. These statements must elicit the feeling of uncertainty from the other person. It must be ambiguous enough to trigger the imagination to try to complete the statement. Furthermore, your leading statement should initiate a mood without providing its full explanation. As a result, the brain will be tempted to process the information provided and to find its missing pieces. Here are some great examples of what your leading statements should be. “What you said yesterday.” This particularly vague statement will allow the mind to definitely wander and retrace everything that has happened within the set parameters of the statement, which is yesterday. The individual that you are trying to manipulate will then consider everything relevant to the discussion. They will consider the period and the words you have said, and then they will search internally for the idea that will make your initial statement complete. Their mind will start to go through a certain process of elimination until they are able to narrow down to the actual meaning of the statement. “The different shades of paint.” If you utter this statement to an individual, that person’s mind will start to explore all of the possible shades of paint. Your leading statement was able to set the parameters and scope, which are the shades of paint, without fully divulging the exact answer as to which shade. This will lead the other person to wonder which shade you are referring to. “You forgot.” This simple statement still presents a certain level of mystery and wonder because it is present in the mind, yet it doesn’t give away all of

the needed information for the other person to fully comprehend what you’re trying to say. As a result, the other person is forced to search for the meaning internally through stored memory and information. They will attempt to figure out the exact person, place, event, or object that may have already been forgotten. These statements are very powerful if you want to manipulate others.

Textual ambiguity To successfully manipulate other people, you need to present some level of ambiguity in what you say or do. The ambiguity comes from the inability of an individual to fully comprehend a combination of words. They are not able to understand the contextual meaning of the words and statements that you have said. “Has there been a box jumping up and down the street?” This is an ambiguous statement as anyone who hears this would immediately try to interpret it as a whole. At times, some would even try to interpret at least only the terms that can be understood.

Chapter 22: The Mind Control Mind control involves using influence and persuasion to change the behaviors and beliefs in someone. That someone might be the person themselves or it might be someone else. Mind control has also been referred to as brainwashing, thought reform, coercive persuasion, mental control, and manipulation, just to name a few. Some people feel that everything is done by manipulation. But if that is true or to be believed, then important points about manipulation will be lost. Influence is much better thought of as a mental continuum with two extremes. One side has influences that are respectful and ethical and work to improve the individual while showing respect for them and their basic human rights. The other side contains influences that are dark and destructive that work to remove basic human rights from a person, such as independence, the ability for rational thought, and sometimes their total identity. When thinking of mind control, it is better to see it as a way to use influence on other people that will disrupt something in them, like their way of thinking or living. Influence works on the very basis of what makes people human, such as their behaviors, beliefs, and values. It can disrupt the very way they chose personal preferences or make critical decisions. Mind control is nothing more than using words and ideas to convince someone to say or do something they might never have thought of saying or doing on their own. Mind control uses the idea that someone’s decisions and emotions can be controlled using psychological means. It is using powers of negotiation or

mental influence to ensure the outcome of the interaction is more favorable to one person over the other. This is basically what marketing is: convincing someone to do something particular or buy something in particular. Being able to control someone else’s mind merely means understanding the power of human emotion and being able to play upon those emotions. It is easier to have a mental impact on people if there is a basic understanding of human emotions. A lot of the forms of mind control are considered to be rooted in dark psychology because many believe that mind control is an impure strategy used by those who cannot be bothered to do things themselves. They believe that it is a form of evil hence why it is called “dark” psychology. While we certainly do not want to alleviate the blame from true criminals, you should understand that you are not a criminal for using mind control strategies. Mind control in this day and age can be a powerful way to encourage people to do the things you need or want them to do. Obviously, this type of powerful strategy can not only be used to have people do bad things or to create criminal results, but it can also be used to encourage positive results. Mind control is a technique whereby you use various psychological techniques to alter someone’s mind. In doing so, you can change the way they think about various things so that their thought processes work in your favor. This technique can enable you to achieve virtually anything you want with the help of virtually anyone you want. It truly puts you in the driver’s seat of reality and allows you to have an effortless ability to live your desired life with your desired outcomes.

Brainwashing Brainwashing is basically the procedure where somebody will be connived to abandon ideas that they had in the past in order to take new perfects and also worth’s. There is a great deal of manner ins which this can be done although not every one of them will certainly be taken into consideration bad. For example, if you are from an African nation and then relocate to America, you will certainly usually be required to change your worth’s and ideals in order to fit in with the new culture and environments that you remain in. On the various other hand, those in prisoner-of-war camp or when a brand-new totalitarian government is taking over, they will certainly commonly undergo the process of indoctrination in order to persuade people to follow along in harmony. Lots of people have misunderstandings of what brainwashing is. Some individuals have extra paranoid concepts concerning the technique consisting of mind control devices that are funded by the federal government and that are believed to be conveniently turned on like a pushbutton control. On the other side of points, there are skeptics that do not think that indoctrination is feasible in any way which any individual who asserts it has actually happened is lying. Generally, the practice of brainwashing will certainly land someplace in the center of these two concepts. Throughout the practice of brainwashing, the subject will certainly be persuaded to transform their beliefs concerning something with a mix of different tactics. There is not just one method that can be utilized throughout this process so it can be challenging to place the method right

into a cool little box. Essentially, the topic will be divided from every one of the important things that they understand. From there, they will certainly be damaged down into an emotional state that makes them vulnerable prior to the new principles are presented. As the subject absorbs this brand-new details, they will certainly be compensated for sharing ideas and ideas which support these new ideas. The rewarding is what will certainly be utilized in order to reinforce the brainwashing that is occurring. This is one of the most famous large scale CEM tactics. We hear about it happening in religions, cults, oppressive governments, and captive kidnapping victims. It is an intense form of social influence that can change someone’s behavior and thoughts without his or her consent, and often against their will. Brainwashing requires the manipulator’s total control over their victim, which is why is often requires total isolation of the victim such that their sleeping, eating, and basic needs are interrupted. The complete control required to brainwash someone is exactly the reason it occurs in cults and prison camps. In these settings, leaders have unfettered access to their vulnerable victims and can carry out their brainwashing techniques. In addition, those who join cults or are in prison camps are ideal candidates for brainwashing—they are vulnerable and because of their circumstances, are already prone to trying to find new ways of thinking. Due to the victim’s circumstantial flexibility of thought, brainwashing can take effect.

Who uses mind control Media Producers Just as our five senses are our guides in life, they can also be our enemies and traitors. Our sense of sight and the visual processing areas of the brain are very powerful. We almost always dream visually, even if another sense is missing, and we usually picture someone we are remembering rather than associating some other sensory input with them. This makes imagery and visual manipulation a particularly powerful technique of media mind control. Traditionally, media production was in the hands of companies and institutions. These manipulative entities were able to pioneer the use of visual, subliminal mind control. Examples include split-second pictures of a product or person inserted into a seemingly innocent movie. Such splitsecond images, which the person perceives as nothing more than a flash of light, are able to take powerful control of a person's emotions. They have been used as recently as 21st century Presidential elections. Sound is another way in which a person is vulnerable to undetected mind control. Both experiments and personal experience will confirm this to you. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? How easy was it to get rid of? The sound had a powerful influence over you, even though you knew it was present. The power of audio manipulation is even greater when it is undetected. Experiments have shown that if restaurant customers are exposed to music from a particular region, they are more likely to order

wine from that country. When questioned, they had no idea that something as simple as sound had steered their decision.

Lovers People are often a product of their environment, whether they want to be or not. The way people are raised directly affects the way they act in later life. Someone who is raised by alcoholics has a greater chance of becoming alcoholics in adult life, or they may choose never to drink at all. People who are raised in a house where everything is forbidden may cut loose and go a bit crazy when they are finally out on their own. People who are raised in total disorganization may grow up to be totally obsessive about household cleanliness. Nurture affects people in other, less severe ways, too. Many people believe that Mom’s meatloaf is the absolute best and no other recipe exists. People come from different religious and economic backgrounds. People have different beliefs about what is good and bad, what is acceptable and unacceptable. The problem comes when two people are trying to have a relationship, but neither wants to change their way of thinking. When that happens there is no relationship. There are just two people living together under the same roof. Achieving success in love is just like achieving success in anything else. It is mostly a function of developing good relationships with other people in order to be better able to influence them. Those people who are successful in creating and keeping good, mutually satisfactory relationships with others usually enjoy much more success than people who do not do this. The ability to grow and maintain satisfactory relationships is a trait that is easier for some people. But even if the ability does not come naturally it is easy enough to learn. And Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) makes

this skill easier to learn by offering tools and ideas to enable almost anyone to learn the ability to develop great relationships.

Sales people If a salesperson asks a regular customer to write a brief endorsement of the product they buy, hopefully, they will say yes. If someone asks their significant other to take some of the business cards to pass out at work, hopefully, they will say yes. If you write any kind of blog and ask another blogger to provide a link to yours on their blog, hopefully, they will say yes. When enough people say yes, the business or blog will begin to grow. With even more yesses, it will continue to grow and thrive. This is the very simple basis of marketing. Marketing is nothing more than using mind control to get other people to buy something or to do something beneficial for someone else. And the techniques can easily be learned.

Writers Think of writing a guest spot for someone else who has their own blog. By sending in the entire manuscript first, there is a greater risk of rejection. Begin small. Send them a paragraph or two discussing them the idea. Then make an outline of the idea and send that in an email. Then write the complete draft you would like them too use and send it along. When asking a customer for a testimonial, start by asking for a few lines in an email. Then ask the customer to expand those few lines into a testimonial that covers at least half a typed page. Soon the customer will be ready for an hour-long webcast extolling the virtues of the product and your great customer service skills. Everything must have a deadline that really exists. The important word here is the word ‘real’. Everyone has heard the salesperson who said to decide quickly because the deal might not be available later or another customer was coming in and they might get it. That is a total fabrication and everyone knows it to be true. There are no impending other customers and the deal is not going to disappear. There is no real sense of urgency involved. But everyone does it. There are too many situations where people are given a totally fake deadline by someone who thinks it will instill a great sense of urgency for completion of the task. It is not only totally not effective but completely unneeded. It is a simple matter to create true urgency. Only leave free things available for a finite amount of time. When asking customers for testimonials be certain to mention the last possible day for it to be received to be able to be used. Some people will be unable to assist,

but having people unable to participate is better than never being able to begin.

In Education By educating impressionable children, society essentially teaches them to become “ideal” members of society. They are taught and trained in certain ways that fulfil the desires of the government and authorities, and most people don’t even think twice about it.

Advertising and Propaganda By putting advertising and propaganda everywhere, those in control are capable of eliminating people’s feeling of self-worth and encourage them to need what is being sold, as opposed to just wanting it. This is essentially a subliminal strategy to make people feel poorly about themselves so that they will purchase whatever is being advertised to increase their feelings of self-worth.

Sports, Politics, Religion The idea of these strategies is to “divide and conquer”. Ultimately, each one has people placed into various categories, where they feel very strongly. As a result, they don’t come together and support one another, but rather they are against each other. This means that they are divided, and so the authority can conquer.

Chapter 23: Persuasion with Brainwashing Brainwashing tends to be a little more “personal” and subtle. Brainwashing often requires the victim to be isolated, and more dependent on the individual or group of individuals who are brainwashing them. This is a favorite tactic of cults, religious groups, and yes, evens your favorite sports teams. Let’s focus on national, televised sports, the most seemingly innocent form of cult worship. Billions of people all over the world tune into to watch football, baseball, swimming, car racing, cricket, volleyball; curling… the list goes on. Those same billions spend even more billions of dollars on tickets and travel to live games, merchandise, and the access to watch their favorite teams on their favorite channel in the comfort of their own home. What would happen if the Super Bowl didn’t air in February? An honest, logical guess might be: “The world would end as we know it.” Championship games of all kinds draw larger audiences than political rallies, religious observations and even the release of the latest iPhone. But let’s see what happens: Does it really affect a fan’s life if the Patriots win or lose the Super Bowl again? Not really, yet millions of television screens turn to the game every February regardless of their team affiliation. What kind of power is this? A dangerous one, that’s it. Just how the politician or businessman has a wide reach in order to emotionally manipulate an audience, large groups of brainwashers can wipe your conscious down to the bare essentials. Then it replaces that person’s “personhood” with an identity, set of ideals, beliefs, likes and dislikes that aren’t their own.

How is the NFL or NHL capable of Advertising and affiliations? The NFL is one of the largest and most prominent sponsors and advertisers of the United States military. Commercials for different branches play during breaks, certain games or national anthems are dedicated to veterans, POWs, or current individuals serving. Players even don camouflage, militaryinspired gear as part of this relationship. Then there was the debate over the national anthem when Colin Kaepernick knelt in solidarity for all of his fellow people of color brutalized by police violence. The NFL immediately launched a vociferous media campaign that was picked up by NFL fans everywhere. Soon, stickers, hats and t-shirts could be found everywhere saying “I stand for the anthem.” The NFL took this opportunity to use their fan base’s interests, as well as the hold on they already had on loyal fans. As television ratings were dropping, the NFL created a problem that didn’t exist, turned it into a media tornado, and unleashed their rhetoric on millions of viewers nationwide. It had a discernible effect by creating a reason for people to watch other than for the game itself.

The Fundamentals of Brainwashing Many people tend to get hypnosis, CEM, NLP and brainwashing confused. But brainwashing isn’t just a dark psychological technique, but one identified by psychologists all over the world as well. It’s not only a tool of sports teams, in fact, but it’s also been the go-to method of acquiring members for cults for decades, if not centuries. Brainwashing from here on out means that the process of forcing an individual into accepting belief systems completely and utterly different than their own, often under duress. The simplest example to illustrate brainwashing are cults, or small groups of individuals who practice either a form of religion or other belief that from the outside looks a bit sketchy, questionable, and perhaps even evil. Some examples of famous cults and their leaders include: Jim Jones, leader of the People’s Temple Cult. Jones was a zealous religious leader who convinced hundreds of his followers to participate in a mass murder/suicide by drinking poisoned Kool-Aid. Children of God/Family International, founded by David “Moses” Berg Founded in California in 1968, members were encouraged to have sex with children to achieve “divinity.” This cult still exists today on multiple continents and over 70 countries. This cult, in particular, was perpetuated by founder David Berg’s master of propaganda writing and publishing, which drew new members to his group and kept older members close by. Branch Davidians – This was a splintered extremist group of Seventh Day Adventists that had been in existence since the 1950s. It wasn’t until leader David Koresh took over as leader that he began to claim that he was the

Messiah and claimed all women and female children for his own. The group did believe that the end of the world was nigh, but many never got to see it. The cult was disbanded in1993 after a standoff with FBI agents that resulted in more than 80 deaths. In realism, followers of this cult, founded in 1974, believe that all life on Earth is scientifically created, thus, not organic, and challenging all prevalent scientific theories of evolution. The Raël creator is named “Elohim” and that leaders within the movement are former aliens that will teach the earth how to carry on Raël traditions, including peace and mindfulness Now that we have a few examples of cults, let’s dissect what makes up a cult. Usually, this small, strange group will have one or two leaders with strong personalities that lead their followers and often make decisions on their behalf. Cults also usually seem very accepting at first, but that’s because they’re looking to increase their numbers. Don’t mistake friendliness for desperation on their part. Cults also make followers feel safe. The boisterous and charming leader is also a comforter – those who end up lost or confused by traditional religion are comforted and brought into the fold. Existential questions like “Why am I here?” and “What is my purpose in life?” are easily answered by the cult’s lore (usually a cult will have a few strong oral storytellers, too). Acceptance; Purpose; and Belonging - The things people crave most of all are the things cults are most willing to dish out.

Cults and Brainwashing Cults and brainwashing go together like peanut butter and jelly. The latter enables the former. In this context, brainwashing is a type of total “reboot” of thought and framing of the mind. Again, unless the victim is perceptive, this technique will likely go unnoticed. Before we return to cults, it’s important to establish that this is not the only way brainwashing is used. For example, a dress code at your job could be brainwashing if you work there long enough for the brainwashing to work its way in. After working there long enough, you might believe that a certain length of the skirt is more appropriate than another or a style of shoes more “business casual” than just “casual.” This can be harmful in the long run because the victim has internalized the self-reproach the dresscode encourages.

Chapter 24: How to Protect Yourself

Causes of Manipulation Exercising undue influence on others using mental distortion or emotional exploitation with the sole intention of gaining power and control over the victim and at the victim's expense is known as psychological manipulation. Before learning about becoming a master manipulator, you must learn to differentiate

between

positive

social

influence

and

psychological

manipulation. Strong social forces are not only crucial for a good and constructive relationship but are also based on the concept of 'give and take. ' On the other hand, a psychological manipulator exploits his victims to get what he wants. There exist elements of power imbalances in a relationship when it comes to psychological manipulation. There are four common traits of manipulative individuals. They are good at detecting others' weaknesses. Once they identify such weaknesses, they will use them against the person. Manipulative individuals are quite intelligent and will influence others to do what they want to meet their self-oriented goals. Once a manipulator gets hold of his victim, the manipulation will go on until the victim stops him or until the manipulator loses interest. The root cause of constant manipulation is often deep-seated and complex. It is not easy to deal with an individual who is psychologically manipulative irrespective of the reasons why he is the way he is. Being on the receiving end of manipulative aggression is never pleasant. Learning to deal with psychological manipulation is the best way to protect yourself from

emotional abuse. In this section, you will learn about the simple ways in which you can handle manipulative people.

Dealing with Manipulators You can come across manipulators in all aspects of your life, both professional and personal. Whether you want to believe it or not, even those you love the most and hold dear can be manipulators. You might have to deal with manipulative partners, manipulative parents, or even manipulative coworkers. Regardless of the manipulator, you are dealing with; you can use the tips given in this section to deal with manipulation and manipulative people. It isn't always easy, but you must learn to do so. After all, you are the only one who is responsible for your overall wellbeing.

Basic Fundamental Rights A fundamental right is inalienable, and no one can take it away from you. This is one thing you must keep in mind whenever you come across any person who is a psychological manipulator. You must not only recognize your rights but must also prevent the violation of these rights. As long as you don't harm others, you must stand up for yourself and protect your rights at all costs. If you knowingly harm someone, you may lose some of these fundamental rights. Here are a couple of basic human rights you must be aware of. You have the right to be treated with dignity and respect. You are free to express your opinions, feelings, desires, and wants. You are free to set your priorities, and no one can force you to do something. You don't have to feel guilty when you say "no." You have the right to set specific boundaries for yourself. You have the right to have different opinions, and you don't have to agree with everyone. You not only have a right, but an obligation to safeguard yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. All these fundamental rights define your boundaries. You must not only enforce your limitations on others but must also respect them yourself. Of course, you'll come across people who don't respect your rights. Especially those who resort to psychological manipulation, strive to deprive others of their rights so that they can exert control over you. However, keep in mind,

you have the power to decide what you want to do, and you are the only one in charge of your life.

Maintain Some Distance A manipulator often puts up a façade for the world to see and doesn't let his true intentions rise to the surface. A simple way to detect or spot a manipulator is to see the way he acts in front of different people and various situations. Most of us tend to exhibit social differentiation to a certain degree; emotional predators and psychological manipulators tend to dwell on the extreme ends of the spectrum. An emotional manipulator can be extremely polite one instant and unnervingly hostile the next. If you notice this kind of behavior from anyone in your circle, maintain your distance. If you cannot get away from such a person or avoid social interactions, then limit your interactions. Spend as little time dealing with such a person as possible. Even being around them will hurt you in ways you cannot begin to comprehend. You don't have to worry about being responsible for their feelings. If the manipulator tries to make you feel guilty for maintaining your distance, it is a part of his manipulative nature, and you're not obligated to fix them. So, stay away.

No Personalization A manipulator is continuously going to look for your weaknesses, and once he understands them, he will exploit them. Therefore, he might try to make you feel inadequate, doubt your sanity, and question your judgment. If you experience any of these feelings, then it means the manipulator has a stronghold over you. Don't ever blame yourself in such situations because it only increases the power the manipulator has. In such instances, remind yourself, you are not the problem, and there is nothing wrong with you. Take a moment to think about the relationship you share with the manipulator and answer the following questions. ●

Does this person seem to have unreasonable demands and expectations

from me? ●

Does he treat me with the respect I deserve?

●

Is this relationship well-balanced, or does it only favor him?

●

Does this relationship make me feel good about myself?

If your answer is in the affirmative, then there is nothing wrong with the relationship. However, if it isn't, then you are in a relationship with a manipulator. Your answers to these questions will give insight into the kind of person you're dealing with. So, stop blaming yourself, and instead look at the other person.

Chapter 25: Behavioral Traits of Favorite Victims of Manipulators There are certain characteristics and behavioral traits that make people more vulnerable to manipulation and people with dark psychology traits know this full well. They tend to seek out victims who have those specific behavioral traits because they are essentially easy targets. Let’s discuss 6 of the traits of the favorite victims of manipulators.

Emotional insecurity and fragility Manipulators like to target victims who are emotionally insecure or emotionally fragile. Unfortunately for these victims, such traits are very easy to identify even in total strangers, so it’s easy for experienced manipulators to find them. People who are emotionally insecure tend to be very defensive when they are attacked or when they are under pressure and that makes them easy to spot in social situations. Even after just a few interactions, a manipulator can gauge with a certain degree of accuracy, how insecure a person is. They’ll try to provoke their potential targets in a subtle way, and then wait to see how the targets react. If they are overly defensive, manipulators will take it as a sign of insecurity, and they will intensify their manipulative attacks. Manipulators can also tell if a target is emotionally insecure if he/she redirects accusations or negative comments. They will find a way to put you on the spot, and if you try to throw it back at them, or to make excuses instead of confronting the situation head-on, the manipulator could conclude that you are insecure and therefore an easy target. People who have social anxiety also tend to have emotional insecurity, and manipulators are aware of this fact. In social gatherings, they can easily spot individuals who have social anxiety, then target them for manipulation. "Pickup artists" are able to identify the girls who seem uneasy in social situations by the way they conduct themselves. Social anxiety is difficult to conceal, especially to manipulators who are experienced at preying on emotional vulnerability.

Emotional fragility is different from emotional insecurity. Emotionally insecure people tend to show it all the time, while emotionally fragile people appear to be normal, but they break down emotionally at the slightest provocation.

Manipulators like targeting emotionally fragile

people because it’s very easy to elicit a reaction from them. Once a manipulator finds out that you are emotionally fragile, he is going to jump at the change to manipulate you because he knows it would be fairly easy. Emotional fragility can be temporary, so people with these traits are often targeted by opportunistic manipulators. A person may be emotionally stable most of the time, but he/she may experience emotional fragility when they are going through a breakup, when they are grieving, or when they are dealing with a situation that is emotionally draining. The more diabolical manipulators can earn your trust, bid their time, and wait for you to be emotionally fragile. Alternatively, they can use underhanded methods to induce emotional fragility in a person they are targeting.

Sensitive people Highly sensitive people are those individuals who process information at a deeper level and are more aware of the subtleties in social dynamics. They have lots of positive attributes because they tend to be very considerate of others, and they watch their step to avoid causing people any harm, whether directly or indirectly. Such people tend to dislike any form of violence or cruelty, and they are easily upset by news reports about disastrous occurrences, or even depictions of gory scenes in movies. Sensitive people also tend to get emotionally exhausted from taking in other people’s feelings. When they walk into a room, they have the immediate ability to detect other people’s moods, because they are naturally skilled at identifying and interpreting other people’s body language cues, facial expressions, and tonal variations. Manipulators like to target sensitive people because they are easy to manipulate. If you are sensitive to certain things, manipulators can use them against you. They will feign certain emotions to draw sensitive people in so that they can exploit them. Sensitive people also tend to scare easily. They have a heightened "startle reflex," which means that they are more likely to show clear signs of fear or nervousness in potentially threatening situations. For example, sensitive people are more likely to jump up when someone sneaks up on them, even before they determine whether they are in any real danger. If you are a sensitive person, this trait can be very difficult to hide, and malicious people will be able to see it from a mile away.

Sensitive people also tend to be withdrawn. They are mostly introverts, and they like to keep to themselves because social stimulation can be emotionally draining for them. Manipulators who are looking to control others are more likely to target people who are introverted because that trait makes it easy to isolate potential victims. Manipulators can also identify sensitive people by listening to how they talk. Sensitive people tend to be very proper; they never use vulgar language, and they tend to be very politically correct because they are trying to avoid offending anyone. They also tend to be polite, and they say please and thank you more often than others. Manipulators go after such people because they know that they are too polite to dismiss them right away; sensitive people will indulge anyone because they don't want to be rude, and that gives maliciously people a way in.

Emphatic people Emphatic people are generally similar to highly sensitive people, except that they are more attuned to the feelings of others and the energy of the world around them. They tend to internalize other people's suffering to the point that it becomes their own. In fact, for some of them, it can be difficult to distinguish someone's discomfort from their own. Emphatic people make the best partners because they feel everything you feel. However, this makes them particularly easy to manipulate, which is why malicious people like to target them. Malicious people can feign certain emotions, and convey those emotions to emphatic people, who will feel them as though they were real. That opens them up for exploitation. Emphatic people are the favorite targets of psychopathic conmen because they feel so deeply for others. A conman can make up stories about financial difficulties and swindle lots of money from emphatic people. The problem with being emphatic is that because you have such strong emotions, you easily dismiss your own doubts about people because you would much rather offer help to a person who turns out to be a lair than deny help to a person who turns out to be telling the truth. Emphatic people have a big-hearts, and they tend to be extremely generous, often to their own detriment. They are highly charitable, and they feel guilty when others around them suffer, even if it’s not their fault and they can’t do anything about it. Malicious people have a very easy time taking such people on guilt trips. They are the kind of people who would willingly fork

over their life savings to help their friends get out of debt, even if it means they would be ruined financially. Malicious people like to get into relationships with emphatic people because they are easy to take advantage of. Emphatic people try to avoid getting into intimate relationships in the first place because they know that it’s easy for them to get engulfed in such relationships and to lose their identities in the process. However, manipulators will doggedly pursue them because they know that once they get it, they can guilt the emphatic person into doing anything they want.

Fear of loneliness Many people are afraid of being alone, but this fear is more heightened in a small percentage of the population. This kind of fear can be truly paralyzing for those who experience it, and it can open them up to exploitation by malicious people. For example, there are many people who stay in dysfunctional relationships because they are afraid, they will never finds someone else to love them if they break up with an abusive partner. Manipulators can identify this fear in a victim, and they'll often do everything they can to fuel it further to make sure that the person is crippled by it. People who are afraid of being alone can tolerate or even rationalize any kind of abuse. The fear of being alone can be easy to spot in a potential victim. People with this kind of fear tend to exude some level of desperation at the beginning of relationships, and they can sometimes come across as clingy. While ordinary people may think of being clingy as a red flag, manipulative people will see it as an opportunity to exploit somebody. If you are attached to them, they’ll use manipulative techniques to make you even more dependent on them. They can withhold love and affection (e.g., by using the silent treatment) to make the victim fear that he/she is about to get dumped so that they act out of desperation and cede more control to the manipulator. The fear of being alone is, for the most part, a social construct, and it disproportionately affects women more than men. For generations, our society has taught women that their goal in life is to get married and have children, so, even the more progressive women who reject this social construct are still plagued by social pressures to adhere to those old

standards. That being said, the fact is that men also tend to be afraid of being alone. People with abandonment issues stemming from childhood tend to experience the fear of loneliness to a higher degree. There are also those people who may not necessarily fear loneliness in general, but they are afraid of being separated from the important people in their lives. For example, lots of people end up staying in abusive or dysfunctional relationships because they are afraid of being separated from their children.

Fear of disappointing others We all feel a certain sense of obligation towards the people in our lives, but there are some people who are extremely afraid of disappointing others. This kind of fear is similar to the fear of embarrassment and the fear of rejection because it means that the person puts a lot of stock into how others perceive him or her. The fear of disappointing others can occur naturally, and it can actually be useful in some situations; parents who are afraid of disappointing their families will work harder to provide for them, and children who are afraid of disappointing their parents will study harder at school. In this case, the fear is actually constructive. However, it becomes unhealthy when it’s directed at the wrong people, or when it forces you to compromise your own comfort and happiness. When manipulators find out that you have a fear of disappointing others, they'll try to put you in a position where you feel like you owe them something. They’ll do certain favors for you, and then they’ll manipulate you into believing that you have a sense of obligation towards them. They will then guilt you into complying with any request whenever they want something from you.

Conclusion The field of dark psychology is vast, and the number of techniques of strategies that exist innumerable. However, the reader of this book is more aware of dark psychology than the vast majority of people out there. In a way, this makes the reader have an advantage over them. But this is also just the first step towards mastery. True dark psychology mastery comes from experimentation, research, and application. A book like this is a useful introduction to the field, but it takes the real-world experience to apply these concepts. One doesn’t even have to take the role of an attacker to use the knowledge learned here. Dark psychology is so prevalent in our society that once you actively look for it, you will be able to recognize it quickly. There is still much to learn. Those interested in the effectiveness of psychopathy may consider looking into the study of body language. The amount of things that people express through their posture and gestures is a treasure trove of information just waiting to be exploited. This information is out in the open for those who know how to decipher it. Body language directly lends itself to the perfection of superficial charm, as a skilled practitioner can use it to convey feelings of friendliness and warmth. Getting a good read on a person to judge their self-esteem is also a pivotal goal in target selection. Learning how to read someone’s facial expression and their posture increases the ability to select the right targets. Discerning a compatible target involves getting a feel for their psychology. Are they someone who has a cheerful demeanor, and if so, is it genuine, or

is it superficial? Are they willing to follow orders or perform favors for other people? Do they like to give rather than deceive? These questions can only be answered by getting to know them. People may have certain tells about themselves that they can’t prevent from happening. It is the job of the dark psychology practitioner to pick up on these tells and relate them to that person’s personality. There is also no shortage of additional techniques out there that aid in manipulation. A worthy practitioner ought to seek them out at every opportunity. Of course, a more formal understanding of psychology allows a manipulator to think of better ways to entice their targets. Psychology is a large field with many sub-fields but is very accessible. Hundreds of books have been written for a general audience to enjoy. When you learn how a spider operates, then, you can easily learn how a Dark psychology predator works. A spider weaves a trap in the form of a web. It weaves this web in such a way that it not only traps its preys but also alerts it once they are trapped. The web is also crafted in such a fashion that there is always a quick path on the web to arrive at the trapped prey. Once the prey is trapped and the spider is alerted, it rushes to inject the prey with venom. Once injected, the spider goes back to rest as the venom subdues and eventually kills the prey. Dark psychology predators work in a similar fashion. Knowing the nature of their web, and more importantly, the content of their venom, you can be able to detox yourself from the effects of the venom. Knowing that the spider cannot eat its prey while still alive, then, the best it

can do is to continue injecting more venom. If the venom can’t work, the predator will eventually let you go... that is, if you have gathered enough stamina to get off the trapping web. Unlike houseflies and such other flying insects, humans have very overwhelming brainpower... if properly deployed. Thus, the grandest secret is how you deploy your brainpower against potential preys. Like any other detox agent, you must first know what the venom is. By knowing the critical ingredient of the venom, you can be able to formulate your detox agent. We have already considered some of the venoms (or toxins). These are; •

Dark persuasion

•

Deception

•

Dupery

•

Indoctrination

•

Brainwashing

•

Dark seduction

•

Hypnotization

•

Psychological manipulation

Yet, when it comes to confronting venoms, the best example of how to do this is how to detox snake venoms as they are medically much more elaborate as the incidences of fatal and near-fatal snake poisoning are more prevalent than those of spiders. There are very few spiders whose venom can kill humans.

We have also seen the types of creatures (aka snakes) that possess these venoms: •

Narcissists

•

Machiavellians

•

Psychopaths

There are many other sub-species of each. Being able to positively identify a snake species make it easy to identify its type of venom in case of a bite and emergency response. Similarly, being able to identify the type of Dark psychology predator can help you tell which kind of detox to rush for in case of attack. However, generally, you must equip yourself with all potential detox agents for you may not tell which of them will come attacking.

How to Analyze People By David Soul

Introduction When we think about human behavior and some of the things that you need to do to read these behaviors, it is vital to take a look at the animal element that is found inside. While this is something that a lot of people are going to forget about, humans are from the same materials as trees, animals, fish, and everything else in the world. We all came from the same source at the same time. Much of our behavior is going to be attributed back to our evolution. As we changed over the years, we started to develop what is known as cultural norms for the behavior that we are going to show to others. Over time, we had to develop systems of behavior and specific patterns to help us survive. This means that in the beginning, we had to be able to hunt and gather. And then, we had to form systems for farming, along with other food systems. This continued to grow into the system that we have today. Just like with any other animal, we are going to have different behaviors, ones that are used to protect us, to eat, to sleep, to interact with others, and so much more. This is something that we need to keep in mind when we are learning more about the behavior of humans. It isn’t enough to consider the conscious state of the person when you want to understand the reasons they do things. We also have to remember that animal sense, the part that helps us survive, as well. We have to remember that this animal part is going to drive us towards specific actions, especially when things like self-protection,

pleasure, food, shelter, and even sex drive the actions. This is where all of our basic drives come from, even if they happen subconsciously. The first area, the one that is the most accessible, is the conscious. This part is going to be the most accessible and the things we know about and our current thoughts, but it is also going to be known as the smallest of the three parts of our psyche. Then, we move on to the second part of our psyche, and this is going to be the subconscious. This is going to be an area that is more repressed when compared to the first part, but we can still access it, especially when it is the most needed. Then, we have the third part. This part can be called the id or the unconscious. This is where all of those animal-like impulses are going to come in. These help us to survive and get our most basic needs met regularly. The id is not going to be something that we are in control of, or that we have to focus on that much. But, it can still drive a lot of our regular actions. This will tell us a lot about the behavior that we can observe in those around us. There are going to be a lot of deep underlying factors that come with our behaviors, and it can be challenging to determine the cause of those actions. You can also guess what is causing the actions, and there are even some experiments that you can use to pinpoint what is causing these actions. One of the proponents who wanted to use science to help us understand the human behavior that seemed hard to follow in the past is B.F. Skinner. Skinner was one of the most influential psychologists of the 20th century. He was the one who developed the ideas of behaviorism along with the

school of psychology that is going to focus the most on measurable and observable behavior. Firstly, behaviorism is going to be one of the schools of psychology, one that is going to be focused on science and will emphasize just looking at the measurable data that we can explore about the behavior. When you use this school of thought, you need to try to focus on not letting qualitative judgments get in the way of the science that comes in here. Over the years, it has proven to be one of the most influential schools of thought in all of science history. What these schools of thought are going to do is try to make some sense out of our evolutionary history as a species. This means we are going to take a look at why we are the way that we are. Going by an evolutionary approach is going to be vital because it allows us to look at some of the best mysteries of how the human mind works. In an evolutionary sense, we are going to be driven to self-protection, a need for food and shelter, and so on. These are often going to be an unconscious part of our lives now, but it is still a good idea to explore this a bit and understand how some of these basic instincts are going to come into play.

Chapter 26: Understanding Human Behavior Human beings are regarded to be among the most complex creatures on earth. The complexity of human beings extends to the nature of their behavior. This implies that it is quite difficult to fully understand and analyze such behavior, especially from a layman’s perspective. Psychiatrists have the upper hand when it comes to their capacity to understand and analyze human behavior. Human behavior is complex This is due to the fact that they have the pre-requisite training that equips them with the capacity to analyze such behavior in a much more professional manner. However, you do not really have to be a psychiatrist in order to understand human behavior. Anyone with adequate information on some of the fundamental issues that underlie human behavior can effectively and accurately analyze such behavior. Enhanced capacity to analyze human behavior will enable you to have a greater understanding of the people around you. Sometimes, people might not be willing to go out and actually say what is on their minds. However, when you know what to look for with respect both verbal and non-verbal cues, you will be able to decipher the message that they are

trying to put across thus eliminating potential conflicts that can arise due to miscommunication. It is also equally important to maintain an open mind and avoid any preestablished biases that can undermine your capacity to fully grasp and analyze what the other person is trying to put across. This chapter will focus on the art of analyzing human behavior with a view of making you a better person in terms of your capacity to interpret and analyze the behavior of others.

Use of Language One of the most distinguishing aspects when it comes to the manner in which people behave is their preferred use of language. Language

is

considered

the

most

reliable

universal

tool

for

communication. The language also plays a key role in fostering relations among people since it enables them to communicate freely, exchange ideas, and express their perspectives on different issues. However, the manner in which different people use language is different, and these differences usually reflect their behavior and attitudes towards various things. The preference for polite language is one thing that can enable you to analyze the behavior of the person you are communicating with. Heavy use of polite words and expressions such as please, may I, kindly and other such words that are meant to convey a message of politeness can go a long way in helping one analyze human behavior. People who prefer to use such words and expressions tend to put a lot of value and emphasis on positive human relations and would be more than willing to take into account the perspectives of others. Such individuals are usually polite and considerate towards others and are more likely to make a compromise in order to accommodate the needs of the other person. On the other hand, the absence of polite words and expressions could be an indicator that the person is likely to exhibit dictatorial tendencies towards

others. This implies that such an individual is more likely to insist on having their way at any cost and not consider the option of making any compromises. When it comes to using language, another aspect that comes out strongly is also the preference for unconventional, harsh or abusive language. For instance, curse words are mainly considered to be an unconventional language and are not used in mainstream communication. However, there are people whose usage of such words is much more common as compared to others. Preference for curse words, abusive language, and harsh words can be helpful in the analysis of human behavior since people who prefer such language are usually more prone to violent behavior towards others. Similarly, the preference for such words can also indicate that someone is likely to pay little attention to the consequences of their actions. A good example would be an employee who uses such words against the employer. In such a scenario, such an employee might end up adopting an overall lackluster attitude towards their roles and responsibilities because they do not care whether or not they will get fired. Finally, such people can also adopt an overall resigned attitude towards life, and this can undermine the relationships that they have with their family members, friends, and other people who are significant in their lives.

Interpretation of Non-Verbal Cues People might not often say what is really on their minds. In some cases, someone might say one thing while in essence, they mean the opposite. For instance, one might say that they are satisfied with a reward that they have been offered, but in reality, they are highly unsatisfied with the same. In such a situation, your capacity to identify non-verbal cues can go a long way in facilitating accurate analysis of the behavior of the person that you are communicating with. This is due to the fact that such non-verbal cues offer a window into the exact position and opinion that a person has towards something.

Facial Expression There are several non-verbal cues that you can use in order to analyze human behavior with one of them being reading of another person’s facial expression. It is very easy for someone to lie with their mouths, but quite difficult to do the same with their face. Facial expression can depict the actual feeling that has on a certain issue. Facial expression can depict happiness, sadness, anger, disgust, and even resentment. When you know exactly what to look for in terms of facial expressions, you will be in a better position to know what a person feels and how they will behave when they are subjected to a certain situation. For instance, a spouse might indicate that they are happy with you going away on your own holiday for a while, however, their facial expression might indicate that they are unhappy with your decision; your capacity to decipher such an expression will enable you to know how they are likely to behave while you are away, such as engaging in an activity that you might not approve of. Raised Eyebrows Some of the most notable facial expressions that most people overlook include rising of the eyebrows, which mainly shows that someone is surprised by a suggestion or an opinion. At times, a raised eyebrow might indicate that someone is in doubt regarding the viability of the suggestion.

For instance, you might put forward a suggestion for a weekend activity, and they accept but a raised eyebrow. This implies that they are in doubt and are therefore not likely to embrace the suggestion despite the fact that they have indicated their approval. Such a friend will, therefore, exhibit behavior that contradicts their earlier position, such as failing to pick up your calls even after repeated attempts.

Frown Lines In addition to raised eyebrows, another facial expression that you can look out for is the presence and nature of frown lines. A high concentration of frown lines might be an indicator that the person is deeply concerned about something. Such an individual might not be willing to share their concerns with you, but in case you notice such frown lines then you will be in a position to know that they might be faced with some serious issue in their lives.

Clenched Teeth Clinched teeth also fall within the category of facial expression that can be used as a non-verbal cue. Many people will clench their teeth if they are uneasy with a situation that they are in. Whenever you are interacting with someone with clenched teeth, then you can look for ways of making them feel at ease, thus making the

interaction more productive.

Body language Body Posture In addition to facial expression, another non-verbal cue that can be quite helpful in analyzing the behavior of others is body language. Your body language says a lot about what you are thinking and how you are likely to behave. The body language refers to several things such as your posture, the use of gestures, and even your proximity to the person you are communicating with. A posture can tell a lot about the character of a person and consequently, their general behavior. For instance, people who prefer to communicate while putting their arms across their chest are more likely to keep things close to themselves. Such people are least likely to lie about issues that affect them in their personal lives or even volunteer information that might have a significant impact on the people that they are communicating with. On the contrary, people who are more open-minded will prefer more informal postures such as putting their hands behind their heads in a relaxed fashion while communicating others. Such individuals are more likely to embrace new ideas, focus on the issues that the other person is highlighting, and even offer alternative perspectives in order to encourage a more productive discussion.

Body language can, therefore, be used in analyzing the manner in which someone else is likely to respond to other people and their ideas.

Proximity Proximity is also another aspect of body language that is very important when it comes to body language. Proximity in this context refers to how close two people are when they are physically interacting with one another. People who are not willing to fully engage with the other person would prefer to lean away while talking to them. A good example would be a colleague leaning away from you when you are discussing a business proposal with them. In this scenario, the colleague might show approval of your proposal, but the fact they were leaning away from you might result in contradictory behavior on their part. They are thus more likely to end rejecting the idea after all. On the other hand, someone who is really interested in the idea is likely to lean forward during your conversation, ask to follow up questions and nod their heads in approval. Such body language indicates genuine acceptance, and thus, the individual will go out of their way and work for hand in hand with you in ensuring that the proposal is indeed a success.

Chapter 27: The Dark Side People usually do not know how to react when they hear about dark psychology. It is fascinating to some people and scary to others. Dark Psychology is just the study of manipulation and mind control. It is quite different from psychology because the latter is concerned with studying human behavior. Dark psychology deals with how people use a lot of tactics to either motivate, persuade manipulate and force people into doing what they want them to do. The dark side of human behavior is sometimes referred to as the dark triad. This is because it is basically comprised of three personality types that are all different but still share a connection. They are Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy. You may wonder why these three traits are referred to as the Dark Triad. These three terms define dark psychology. We have already stated that dark psychology is concerned with the tactics of persuasion, manipulation, and coercion that people use whenever they want something and wish to get it by all means. Usually, these three personalities, serve as the underlying cause of criminal acts by people. We would observe these dark personality traits and throw more light.

1. Machiavellianism This term was coined after a 16th-century Italian famous diplomat and politician, Machiavelli. He became well known after he published his book, The Prince in 1513. People said he was trying to use his book to support the deceptions and cunning that occurs in diplomacy. People are referred to as Machiavellians when they have the tendency to occupy themselves with only things that benefit them. They are often fraudulent and manipulative. Machiavellians do not have any morals and they lack any form of emotion. If something is not for their own selfinterest, count them out because they will not be interested.

2. Narcissism Narcissism was coined from the Greek mythology that tells about Narcissus. He was a hunter who became smitten by the sight of his own reflection in a pool that fell into the pool and drowned. He was so consumed by himself that he had no interest in any other thing. Narcissistic people are like that because they often show signs of selfishness, arrogance, being boastful and have thoughts only of themselves. People with a narcissistic personality are not empathetic and they are overly sensitive and cannot handle criticism. Their hypersensitivity stems from the fact that they cannot imagine themselves as being flawed or imperfect.

3. Psychopathy The psychopathic personality is characterized by several traits including antisocial behavior, hostility, lack of empathy or remorse, volatility, and manipulation. There is a big difference between being a psychopath and psychopathic. For you to be a psychopath, then you have been associated with or connected directly to criminal violence. Despite how awful the dark triad personalities sound, like something that could only come out of psychology textbooks, the traits are very much common. There are covert manipulative tactics almost everywhere we go. We see it on social media, on TV commercials and it is still part of the sales tactics that are being thrown at our faces when we go to buy things in person. Those who love us are not even left out even children use manipulative tactics a lot of times while they are looking for ways to get more freedom. Most of the manipulative tactics are used by those around us and those who are close to us. Many of them study us to know which tactics would work on us. Frightening right? Well, there are people who ordinarily use dark psychology every day more than other people:

1. True Sociopaths People who have been diagnosed clinically as sociopaths may have the looks of angels because of their charming and intelligent nature but they have a problem with their impulsiveness. Sociopaths are already known because they do not feel remorse for anything. So they take up the dark personality tactics and use it to form fake friendships that only exist on the surface. They only enter relationships for their own benefit.

2. True Narcissists People who have been clinically diagnosed with narcissism most often move about having an inflated view of their self-worth. Because of this, they try to validate what they feel by doing things that show that they are superior to every other person around them. The dream of every narcissist is to be seen, worshipped and revered by other people and when this reverence is not coming easily, they can resort to every kind of manipulation and unethical behavior just so they can get the worship that they crave.

3. Selfish People Whenever someone has a sinister plan that works to benefit only them before other people, they can use any means available to them including dark manipulative tactics to get it as long as the outcome will be their gain.

4. Politicians When a politician is campaigning for an election, they often use dark tactics of persuasion to get the votes that will make them win and to get the populace to vote the way they want.

5. Lawyers A lot of attorneys go to great lengths just to win their case. Sometimes they end up having to rely on dark tactics to win.

6. Salespeople Salespeople behave similarly to politicians and lawyers. Many salespeople can be so bent on making sales that they will see nothing wrong in using manipulative tactics to make a buyer purchase their goods.

7. Leaders Despite what they say about being there to motivate and inspire the people, some leaders use manipulation tactics to make people do what they want.

8. Public Speakers Public speakers are meant to have charisma. But then you cannot trust all of them. Many public speakers can go the extra mile and use manipulation tactics if that is what it will take to engage their audience. How to Master the Basics of Psychology? If everyone around you is using tactics to get what they want, you may be tempted to want to do it at least once. But then, do you know how? Some of the tactics are things we may do occasionally but doing it deliberately and calculatedly can help us gain some amount of control over other people. Let us look at some of the ways that manipulators can apply dark tactics:

1. Hiding intentions One form of manipulation that has been around since the beginning of time is lying. Manipulators usually use this tactic when they are faced with a responsibility that they want to flee from or when they feel that saying the truth will not benefit them. Many of them even go ahead to lie when they have no reason at all to do so and it makes them feel good to know that they are causing trouble and playing with others' feelings. When you come in contact with a skilled manipulator, they could make you believe in a lie until your neck-deep in it. They may do this because they want to take advantage of someone else or they might just be using the lie as a smokescreen to cover their true intentions. Or they may be using it to prevent you from seeing that they want to keep being steps ahead of you. For example, a friend who is looking for the same thing as you will hide any information that will make you get it before them.

2. Attention Seeking Drama queen. Drama King. We have probably had to use these words on people who are always being dramatic. It is not bad for one to have drama once in a while because life does not have to be too serious, but manipulators thrive on frequent drama. They normally create it intentionally because they want to be the center of attention and massage their ego. For instance, in a group of three friends, one of them may try to cause conflict between friends A and B by peddling stories of each of them to the other party. This will make friends A and B to have misunderstandings and normally they will turn to the manipulator to lay their grievances and seek comfort. Because of this, the manipulator feels needed and important. One partner in a relationship can keep bringing up fights so that their partner will keep their attention on them.

3. Giving Off Unnecessary Emotions Manipulators could be people who show emotions a lot, do dramatic stuff and have loud outbursts when they want to get their way. They are often loud, melodramatic and will go all emotional even at the slightest incitement and usually, they display their attitude in appropriate environments. For instance, one partner may resort to raising their voice and arguing loudly in a restaurant because their partner is not giving in to their demands because they feel that their partner will be embarrassed by the scene and give in to what they want. This is a subtle and very effective manipulation tactic.

4. Crying Foul and Playing the Victim There are people who love it when people feel sorry for them always. They are always making people feel that they have the worst of luck. They are the ones who will even make you feel guilty for complaining about your problems because they always have worse problems than yours. Of course, we all have bad moments, but a manipulator knows how to make themselves look like the victim of all victims and draw lots of attention to themselves. Tell them you have a fever and they will narrate to you how they have had to deal with migraines every day for the past month. Say you forgot your coffee cup and they will tell you how their expensive coffee maker got destroyed. They just look for ways to solicit pity from people just so they can get attention and people's concentration.

5. Claiming Undue Credit Manipulators do not see anything wrong in getting someone else to make the effort involved in something and then coming in, later on, to take credit for the work as if they have done a major part of the job. This kind of manipulation can be seen in a professional setting where people will be delegated to do jobs as a group but end up prancing around, being busy without actually doing anything and when the job is done, they come in to take credit for it.

Chapter 28: Why Analyze People There is no formula to analyze people around or with you. Some people understand on the basis of their gestures, body language, verbal communication, nonverbal communication or the way he walks and dresses up.

Studying yourself -

Understanding the nature of the person you are trying to analyze

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Scrutinizing his behavior

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Focusing on the words of another person

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Knowing body language

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Getting acquainted with cultural difference

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Concentrating on social skills

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Forming a general assumption on the nature of a person

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Interpretation of verbal communication and pattern

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Knowing the reason behind his type of personality

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Having an elementary overview of the personality of an individual

Importance of Understanding People Why is it important to understand a personality? If you are ambitious, then yes it is important to read the other person but if you do not want any growth professionally and happy with 9 am to 5 pm job then it is not your cup of tea. Likewise, if you value your relationships, analyzing folks is important. Analyzing people is of immense importance from the perspective of life more than any other realm like professionally. More finely you understand yourself and other folks around, the more booming you will be in dealing with the circumstances and people and getting things on the right track. Understanding personalities is an unexpectedly comprehensive and practical subject than psychology. It is an extensive word comprising of psychology and implementing the analysis to day to day advantage in everyday circumstances. It is vital to stay with family and amongst friends as well as colleagues. Learn it, to be the best and different of all members of a group. Get it to attract people, to help, to support, to influence, to raise your voice and to express your point of view, to understand better, to make right and fast decision, to encourage people, to manage people, to direct folks, to solve the conflicts and most importantly to portray the right personality of ourselves.

Advantages of Analyzing People People are an open book needing little attention to understand their traits. On closely observing what they do, what they say and how they listen to others saying reveals a pretty good picture of their attitude and personality. It has proven to be effective and true in most of the cases. It is best that you can do as a friend, family member, colleague or a boss in the office. Analysis of people, their behavior, body language, and gesture are a fascinating phenomenon because of diverse learning experience based on traits or behavior adopted by a person.

It is therefore significant and

essential to be successful in distinct walks of life like a business arena, day to day life, companionships, relationships, etc. Let us have a quick look at the advantage that results due to the analysis of people: Analysis of people offers an individual the knowledge of skills required to deal with people. It mostly throws light on tips to conduct with positivity. It assists to recognize, realize and uphold human life and its standpoint, thereby shun conflicts. It helps an individual develop understanding and sympathy towards others and results in a reduction of people from getting judgmental and restricts the person from pointing the finger at others. It fabricates a healthy society enabling people to evaluate themselves before judging others. Every individual to succeed in life requires important interpersonal and communication skills to be able to stand at a pioneering position in the

corporate sector as well as in society which is always changing. In today’s time when students and people are migrating out for jobs and studies, the study of the analysis of people is quite handy to understand people abroad and to minimize the possibility of deception. Study of people is a type of preparation tool to cope up with the colleagues at the office and work efficiently at work front as well as social life. It aids in comprehending the presence of imperfection in their life which can be improved by understanding the behavior of the other person and following his good features. We live in a society where people of different personalities, beliefs, attitudes, perceptions, and behaviors are found. Their analysis helps to get aware of the techniques to deal with them. It can be immensely helpful for people at management level in picking up the right employees by understanding the behavior of their employees. Through analysis, you can project, direct, alter and control the distinct behavior of an individual Through analysis of people, you can get an idea of his reaction in a particular situation in advance and get prepared for the situation. Analysis of people is helpful for the successful conduct of society and accomplishment of goals. It is conceivable they have a legitimate concern, yet you will possibly observe that when you can be quiet and target. So don't discard the good along with the bad. In any case, ensure you ARE quiet and objective and ARE taking a gander at all the conceivable outcomes you think about before making any move.

You may jump at the chance to get a subsequent sentiment or do some examination yourself. You might originate from a totally extraordinary attitude. Maybe a more beneficial one. One thing is sure; however, when you are made to feel remorseful or stressed on account of your activities, you are not being treated with deference. Perhaps it's an ideal opportunity to discover somebody who will.

Chapter 29: Becoming an Analyst

Free Your Judgment There are many things that can cloud your judgment when reading people. Biases, intimidation, and sexual attraction are just some of the things that can make you choose to ignore your gut and misread someone. You may think that someone’s harsh actions are admirable if you admire the person, while their actions would appear despicable if you did not admire them. Do not let anything cloud your judgment. Men are more likely to judge pretty young women less harshly. They let pretty young women get away with disrespectful behavior in hopes of winning their favor. If you are attracted to someone, you are more likely to ignore red flags about the person. Try to look past sexual attraction. Understand that there are plenty of attractive people in the world, so fixating on one person’s attractiveness are not necessary. You just need to view an attractive person more objectively. Try to focus on his or her character as a separate thing from his or her looks. Status or certain jobs can also make you admire someone. But understand that someone is not perfect just because of his or her status. Do not let someone’s status intimidate you or bamboozle you. In fact, they probably got to where they are today by being cruel to others. Read their character separately from their status or work. Being in your own emotional funk can really distort your judgment, too. When you are emotionally down, you may be harsher to judge others in your state of bitterness. You may also be more vulnerable to kind actions from others. Unfortunately, manipulators are great at spotting when you are

upset and offering a kind action in order to gain favor with you. Do not let your emotional state make you vulnerable in judgment. Emotional wounds can make it hard for you to trust people. This is especially true after you been through a divorce or bad break-up. As a result, you might judge the gender that you are attracted to unfairly. You may instantly dislike all people of that gender. Do not be so quick to write off people that you do not know. Use your scars as lessons to read people who remind you of those that have hurt you in the past, but do not make the mistake of thinking that the entire gender is bad. Give individuals a chance. Try to read them, for who they are, not who your ex was.

Don’t Just Base it Off of Behavior Sometimes behavior is inaccurate because it is fake. Many people are great at creating a façade. They appear totally normal and upstanding, while hiding their horrendous internal flaws. Think of most serial killers. Often they go to work, keep nice houses, and look like totally normal people. The world is shocked when they are finally caught with a basement full of hacked up bodies and torture devices. Sexual deviants who get caught watching child porn are often politicians and businessmen with great jobs and totally normal outside appearances. While these examples are extreme, many people are adept at hiding their bad personalities under totally normal behavior. Therefore, you cannot base judgments off of the outward behavior of others, as this behavior can be faked and misleading.

Create a Baseline Try to gauge a baseline of someone’s normal behavior. Watch for unusual mannerisms that a person often displays. Quirks and habits that you frequently observe in someone over time form the person’s baseline. A baseline does not take long to form once you become more adept at reading people with practice. FBI profilers will usually gather this information within the first fifteen seconds of meeting a person. From this baseline, you are able to tell when someone is behaving abnormally. When someone is behaving abnormally, you can determine that something is going on. Perhaps the person is lying or is upset about something. It is difficult to start a baseline on someone if you do not have a chance to observe him over a period of time and you are not yet adept at reading people in just a few seconds. Therefore, it is a good idea to watch for really odd behavior. Behavior that stands out as unusual may be a quirk or it may be a sign of something more ominous, such as deception. You may want to ask other people who know the person well if this behavior is normal for him. If you can’t do that, then you simply must rely on your gut. But do not rely too much on behavior to form judgments about people. You can start a baseline just by asking someone how they are doing today. Watch how the person reacts. From there, you can determine what his or her normal mannerisms are. The more you talk, the more you can gather about the person’s baseline. Does his eye tic often? Does he often gesticulate with his hands? Does he stutter normally, or is he normally articulate? Also

gauge the speed with which he speaks in normal conversation and the tone and pitch of his voice. You must establish a baseline in order to tell when someone is behaving inconsistently. In addition, a baseline lets you know how a person is in normal settings. If a person is typically nervous, you can decide if you want to be around someone who is frequently nervous and therefore probably insecure with social anxiety. If a person is typically rude and blunt, you can determine if you want to deal with that kind of behavior in the future.

Infer Things from the Initial Reaction Of course, strangers tend to be tense in their initial behavior toward you because they do not know you well. But a person’s initial reaction to you indicates a lot of information about how he feels about himself and how he feels about other people. This initial reaction shows the hang-ups he may have and the guard that he puts up to protect himself or the façade that he erects to charm people that he meets for the first time. As a result, this reaction says a lot about who he is as a person and the things that you may expect from him as you get to know him better. If he is initially rude, for instance, he may thaw and become nicer toward you, but you know that at heart he has his guard up against new people. You can then wonder why he has his guard up. He is probably a sensitive and insecure person with a lot of emotional baggage; he feels that he has to act tough and careless in order to avoid getting hurt. Particularly articulate and charming people usually have a lot to hide. They are great at being around people and hiding who they really are. They have designed behavior that is intended to hook people. Very charming behavior is often indicative of manipulative and deceptive personalities. A person who is overly nervous usually has social anxiety and is rife with insecurities. This person will probably get more comfortable with you over time. However, you may want to avoid trusting him too much. As a general rule, people who are insecure are not reliable and will act in ways that are not always appropriate. Insecure people tend to have trust issues and they will act out in ways that are hurtful because they believe that they are not

good enough. You are not responsible for the insecurities of another person, so don’t allow such a person to burden you with his problems and doubts. A person who acts too calm is probably also a sufferer of social anxiety. However, he is adept at projecting calmness to hide how nervous he is. Become suspicious of people who are just “too chill.” Also watch for people who only want to talk about themselves. People who are obsessed with themselves and don’t even try to ask you questions about yourself are typically very selfish. This behavior will not change with time. Another behavior that will not change with time is someone who is negative, even on your first meeting. People like this are very toxic and will simply try to drag you down. A person who talks about others shamelessly when he first meets you is also probably a chronic gossip. It is not normal for someone to start gossiping when he first meets you. Positivity and enthusiasm are great signs in a person that you have just met. However, if someone talks too much of a big game and brags overly much, you can assume that this person is trying to impress you or even make up for something that he feels that he is lacking. Mild positivity and enthusiasm are a great sign, but being overly enthusiastic is not. Confidence and assurance of one’s self is a good sign in a stranger. A person who is willing to introduce himself to you, look you in the eye, and talk to you is usually secure in himself. He has developed good social skills and hence might be a more sensitive friend, lover, or work associate. While you want to be wary of people who are too smooth and charming, someone who acts normal yet confident is usually a good person to know.

Ask Pointed Questions If you want to get to know someone, feel free to ask him questions about himself. He will probably volunteer a lot of the information that you want to know. You don’t even have to ask him things to find out a lot of information about who he is as a person, what he likes, and what he is looking for from his association with you. But if he does not volunteer what you want to know, then ask. It is best to ask pointed questions and to not be vague. If you are vague, you run the risk of miscommunication. As an adult, there is no use or time for games anymore. You know that you cannot be a mind reader and neither can anyone else. So ask what you want to know without shame. You do not want to appear like you are interrogating someone. Asking rapid-fire questions can really put a person off. Asking overly personal questions about someone’s life, family, or personality is also off-putting. But do not be afraid to ask general, socially acceptable questions whenever there is a break in the conversation. Monitor a person in how he answers your questions. Since you have already more or less established a good baseline, you can tell when there are inconsistencies in his responses. If his gestures, tone, pitch, or eye contact suddenly shifts away from his baseline, then you can tell that he is not being truthful or that a question makes him uncomfortable for some reason. You can change the subject or pursue it more, depending on your goal in communication with him.

Chapter 30: Detecting Lies

How to Determine if Someone Is Lying Imagine a world where people say the first thing that comes to mind, a world where you told the truth to everyone you talked with. For example, let’s say you took one look at your boss early in the morning only for you to tell him he looks like a weakling. Or imagine yourself as a salesperson telling a customer how firm and perky her breasts are or a woman telling her male neighbor how nice and tight his butt is. What do you think would be the result? Peace or chaos? Before I answer that, here’s another scenario most people are quite familiar with: your spouse turns around in front of the mirror and asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Even if the dress does make her look fat, I know most men will say something along this line, “No, you don’t, it’s probably the mirror playing tricks on you.” So why do we opt to lie or gloss over some important fact? Well, it is to avoid chaos. As we grow older, we have learned the art of deceit to grease our interactions with others and help us maintain healthy social interactions. We know how much the cold, hard truth hurts sometimes, and it’s no wonder research supports the fact that social liars are more popular than those who repeatedly say the truth. This type of lie is referred to as a white lie since we often know the other person is trying not to hurt our feelings. Now, what about the malicious lies people tell in order to deliberately deceive others for their personal gain? This is what we are going to focus

our attention on. In this chapter, we will take a look at the common cues malicious liars give when they lie or withhold the truth. Before we explore these common deceptions cues, I want you to understand why it’s so important to study deception signals. You and I deserve to know the truth. Society functions on the ability to trust people’s words, that people will choose to abide by their words. If it didn’t, society would descend into chaos, relationships would have a very short life, there would be no commerce, and parents and children would not trust each other. In as much as we will sometimes use the white lie to avoid chaos, society also depends on honesty because we would all suffer in the absence of the truth. Millions of people paid the price with their lives when Adolf Hitler lied to Neville Chamberlain. When Bill Clinton lied, it destroyed the reputation he had built over the years. When Richard Nixon lied, it nearly broke the steadfast loyalty and confidence of the American citizens to their country. Truth is, undoubtedly, essential in all relations, be it professional or personal. We are lucky that people speak the truth most of the time and most of the lies we come across are usually social or white lies. When it comes to crucial matters, it is essential for us to assess the truth of what we are told. It is not always easy finding the truth. For millennia, people had to rely on the use of torture devices to get the truth from those suspected of deception. Today, people have learned how to analyze handwriting and voice and use the polygraph test to know the truth.

Still, even with our advanced techniques, there are a lot of concerns about the accuracy of these methods. You may think you have little chance at succeeding when these modern deception analysis techniques can still fail. Don’t be discouraged. With practice, you will become better at reading these deceptions cues. After all, it is impossible to totally conceal deception.

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Why Lying Is Difficult Practice makes perfect, and most people have spent a good amount of time practicing and honing their lying skills. We have learned how to lie from an early age, and we’ve done it so often that we have become good at it. Despite our perceived skills of deception, we still give off nonverbal cues that betray our innermost emotions to the astute observer. For instance, people tend to smile less when they lie. This is contrary to the popular misconception that we smile more when we lie. The difficulty in deception is that the subconscious mind gives contrary signals to our verbal statements. That is why it is so easy to catch someone who’s not experienced in deception. On the other hand, actors, politicians, and public figures have learned how to refine their body gestures to the level where it’s difficult to catch them in a lie. They tend to restrict their gestures in order not to reveal negative or positive gestures when they lie. Researchers have discovered that it is easier to lie over the phone or an email. It is also easy to lie when part of your body is obscured from the interviewer or interrogator. It is no surprise that law enforcement agencies place their suspect on a chair in the open in a bid to have an unrestricted view of their body language.

How to Detect Deception People give off different types of signals that reveal deception. Some of these signals are so subtle that even veteran body language readers might miss out on them if they don’t know where to look. Some signals are insignificant unless you study them in clusters before you can get an accurate analysis. In some cases, you will be looking for signals of lies of omission— looking for the hidden piece of information. Other times, you will be searching for signs of lies of commission—verbal statements or actions that are inconsistent with the rest of the message. Sometimes you won’t have access to these deception clues since you might be communicating with the other person via an email or phone call. Variables such as ethnicity, gender, and cultural background can also influence how you detect nonverbal deception cues. Let’s examine the major signs of deception in people.

Study the Body Language Every part of the human body betrays our true feelings. By studying the arms, legs, eyes, nose, and torso, you can effectively deduce if someone is lying. Liars Will Try to Avoid Eye Contact When lying, people often avert their eyes in order not to betray their true emotions. They often do everything in their power to avoid looking at you since they think their lies will be uncovered through their eyes. Conversely, people often give you their full attention and concentration when they tell the truth. Restricted Body Movement When someone is lying, they tend to be less expressive with their arms or hands. This means they are conscious about exposing themselves. Have you ever noticed your arm movements when you are passionate about something? Your arms will wave all around as you try to emphasize your point. When you notice a person sitting with his legs and arms close to his body, it’s a sign that he’s keeping something in. Watch out for unnatural hand and arm gestures. People who lie often try to overcome their restricted body gestures by using their gestures to convince us of the honesty of their verbal statement. Involuntary Cover-Up When the person’s hand goes straight to the face when making a statement or responding to a question, it is a clear sign of deceit. Liars often cover

their mouth while speaking as if they don’t believe what they are saying. Watch Out for Contradictions and Consistencies In this section, we will take an in-depth look at the correlations between verbal statements and the accompanying body language. From obvious contradictions, such as shaking your head from side to side while saying yes, to a more subtle form of contradiction, such as a pursed lip, you will learn how to accurately interpret these signals. You will see that these signs occur both at the conscious and subconscious level. You will notice when people make a conscious effort to embellish their points through their forced gestures and off-timing. You will also learn how to read people’s initial reaction expressions. This is the initial expression you notice on people’s faces before they mask it with other body language. Even if you can’t read the fleeting initial expression, it is usually an indication that someone had something to hide. Observe the Timing Timing is everything when detecting deception. For example, if a person’s head begins to shake in an affirmative direction before the words come out, then there’s a high chance he’s telling the truth. But if the person’s head shakes after the point is made, it is a sign that the person is trying to demonstrate conviction. Watch out for the arm and hand movements that demonstrate a point after it’s been made. This gesture is an afterthought, and it’s the work of a shoddy liar. These arms and hands movements won’t only start late but also seem mechanical and in war with the “verbal” statement. Someone who is

truly convicted about his statement will nod or shake the head in tune with every point he makes. Be aware that a mechanical nodding when there’s no point to emphasize is a sign of deception. Sniff out the Contradictions Timing is crucial, but we need to pay more attention to contradictions between verbal and nonverbal cues. The woman who smiles while saying, “I hate you” is sending a contradictory signal. There’s an obvious disharmony between her facial expression and verbal statement. Another example is a man telling his girlfriend or spouse he loves while clenching his fists. Similarly, the gesture and the verbal statement are not in harmony. Study the Timing of the Emotion It is also difficult to fake the timing of emotions. For you to detect deception, carefully observe the timing of the emotions, and you will never be fooled. A fake emotion is not spontaneous; there’s usually a delay in the onset of the emotion. The fake emotion lasts longer than normal and ends abruptly. Let’s take the emotion of surprise to paint this point. The surprise emotion is always fleeting, and it is a fake response if it lasts too long. So when people feign surprise, they usually keep the surprised face longer than usual. The Unhappy Smile Here’s another contradiction you need to watch out for. I briefly touched this aspect when I explained the concept of smiles. I elaborated on the difference between fake and real smiles and how the former is limited to

only the mouth area. When you pay close attention, you will notice that most deception signals are restricted to the mouth region.

Chapter 31: Danger Signals Scientists have concluded that personalities are generally divided into envious, pessimistic, confident and optimistic. Teamwork can be conclusive proof of your personality type. Every person is a world, or so they say. Although people who have gone through several companies know that, for one reason or another, it seems that certain patterns repeat themselves. If people divided into groups, depending on how they react to different situations, would you know how to recognize each of them?

Game Theory To analyze these social behaviors, a study was based on the so-called "game theory". A researcher in this study said, "game theory is a mathematical way of approaching situations in which two or more people have to make decisions that affect everyone". This idea is based on the idea that all people know in advance the consequences of their decisions and therefore will act in their own interest. According to the study, which viewed the responses of over 500 volunteers to various social dilemmas, game theory can be applied to identify different patterns of personalities. One of the most well-known games of this theory is called a "prisoner's dilemma," which shows that two people may not cooperate, even if this goes against their interest. The researcher explains that the best way to understand the game is through a concrete example: "Suppose you and I have to do a job that must be evaluated by a boss. Each of us has to make a choice between two options: striving and helping one another, or not acting and letting the other do everything." In this case, the options would be: to divide the efforts between the two; that one strives and the other does not; or that, finally, nobody does anything, considering that in this case neither would receive for the work. Continuing with the example, there were four very different groups. On the one hand, the envious, "who are those who, when interacting with another person, prefer to earn less, if in this way make sure to earn more than the other person," meaning that they could boycott work; the other group is that of optimists, that is, "those who seek the maximum gain, supposing, therefore, that the decision of the other will be the one that will allow them

to achieve", so that you can be seated because you will be the other who will do all the work; the opposite of these would be the pessimists, "who think that the other will come to annoy them, and therefore try to pass an image that is the least bad possible," so they strive to do the work, thinking that the other will not do; and finally, there would be the confident, that is, "the good people who make the decision that would lead to a better outcome for all (though not the best for them individually)." This was one of the examples, although the idea was to offer volunteers different social games of this style, recording what kinds of decisions they made in each of them.

There Are More Envious People Analyzing the sample, the results revealed that 20% of the people corresponded to an optimistic profile, another 20% to a pessimistic profile, 20% were in the trust group and 30% belonged to the envy block. Another 10%, however, did not meet the established standards, since they seemed to choose by chance. If it is possible to draw any conclusion from this study, then it would be true that the envious are more. With the classification in groups we see (and we would like other experiments to confirm), one might think that when we go out on the street, we have a 30% chance to run into an envious person, 20% find an optimist, and so on , and try to make decisions based on this information. Although the researchers make it clear that this is a very theoretical study and that people do not work that way, because when we find an unknown, which would be the closest to the experiment, we do not know which it's your type; so it's not easy to take that into account to interact with it. The idea they actually let air up is that "if for some reason we interact repeatedly with the same person, we can begin to understand their personality and use that information for our own decisions."

Recognizing and Interacting with Each Type of Personality The question to ask is how we recognize these personalities or what we should focus on to classify them. Perhaps the most important thing is to recognize the envious because they are dangerous people. We must not forget that, after all, being willing to have fewer benefits to stay above the other is highly destructive behavior, and worse, not only to the other but to the envious one himself. To recognize them, he adds that "it is best to focus precisely on the attention given to what others can attain when interacting with them." Regarding the optimists and pessimists, researchers report that "in our study, we also see behaviors that are associated with very different perceptions of risk: so, the optimists are very willing to risk, while the pessimists are completely the opposite." So "if we see that someone behaves in a crazy way, it's quite likely to be an optimist"; on the contrary, people overly cautious and who tend to inactivity and excuses could respond to a pessimistic profile. However, we should not confuse ourselves with the positive character of the former and negative of the seconds, since "with both, you have to be cautious, because depending on the situation we share, decisions can be bad for us." So, going no further, in the example given by game theory, "the optimist would not work, so we had better do the work."

Chapter 32: Detecting Specific Personality We’ll begin our journey by learning the personality types – the basic structure of your analysis. Think of this as the scaffolding; how close to completing the building you get will depend on how much time and effort you put into fleshing out the picture. Of all the many personality systems that have been suggested over the years, the one that has proved most reliable and accurate is the Myers Briggs. This particular system looks at four bell curves and places a person somewhere on the scale for each. This, in turn, provides 16 potential combinations that lead to a personality description. Though the traditional Myers Briggs test involves a questionnaire, it’s entirely possible to calculate where a person falls on each of these bell curves without asking them a single question. To do so, you simply need to calculate where they fall on the scale of each of these four dichotomies. A person cannot be both introverted and extroverted; nor can they be thinking and feeling at the same time. Let’s take a look at each of the four in turn:

Introversion versus Extroversion An introvert only has so much energy to give at one time to social interactions, while an extrovert actually derives their energy from such occasions. In other words, an extrovert thrives on interaction and is likely to be talkative, gregarious and comfortable in large social situations, taking pleasure in any activity that involves other people. An introvert, on the other hand, is more reserved and reflected and derives their energy from reflection. This energy is then spent during social interactions and eventually dwindles, requiring time alone for more reflection to replenish. It’s not that one of these two classes likes people and the other doesn’t: the difference is in the source of energy. Think of it as spending as opposed to earning; at a party, an extrovert is earning their energy, while an introvert is spending it. When in their own company, an introvert is earning and an extrovert is spending. This can manifest in very different ways, as you might expect. An introvert is likely to have hobbies such as reading, gaming and spending time in nature, where an extrovert would balk at the idea of so much alone time and prefers community events, gatherings and parties. It’s easy to mistake shyness for introversion and vice versa and it’s not uncommon for introverts to get a bad rap as “anti-social” – understandable for a species that is hyper-social and finds it difficult to fully understand someone who prefers their own company.

Both ends of this spectrum have their positive and negative sides. For an extrovert, popularity and being the “life of the party” tends to be rewarding for those around them as well as themselves and they are often found at the heart of a community. To find an extrovert, look for the person whose idea it was to host a chili cook-off and who is making the rounds of the guests making small talk and laughing. Look for the person who was first to arrive and has an almost magnetic attraction for others, or the one who most readily signs up for business initiatives and political groups. An extrovert thrives in such conditions and is easy to spot right at the center of the action. An introvert feels considerably less comfortable in these situations but, on the other hand, thrives in the kinds of activity that require contemplation and deep thought. Writers, artists, scientists – even leaders, in situations where the goal is to change the world rather than personal gain. This can be the easiest of the four dichotomies to spot. Take a look at the person’s body language: if it is open and relaxed with signs of happiness and contentment while at the center of a crowd or group of people, and their voice is raised with little regard for who might overhear, you are likely dealing with an extrovert. The more people attracted to that person’s innate charisma, the more extroverted they are likely to be. A person who prefers to be near the edges of the crowd and is showing the body language signals of prey rather than predator (closed arms, lack of eye contact, stiff limbs, positioned to avoid as much attention as possible, quiet speaking voice) is your introvert. The more uncomfortable they seem, the more introverted.

Sensing Versus Intuition The second dichotomy is a little more complicated to understand, but equally important to a person’s overall character. Intuition is the ability to know about something even in the absence of tangible proof, which can allow a person to sense what’s coming down the road. An intuitive person relies on their gut feeling and looks more at the big picture than the details, preferring to consider the possibility of the future than the reality of the present moment. Such a person tends to be innovative and likes to buck the trend, finding creative solutions to problems and analyzing situations quickly and productively. Logic is not the main driving force; rather, they rely on gut instinct to drive their decisions. Sensory people, on the other hand, are only interested in what their senses are telling them. Their decisions are driven by what they can see, hear, feel, touch and taste and a conscious analysis of these things. Data is more important than subconscious feelings and decisions are rarely made in the absence of proof. Logic is the driving force, as is practicality, and a sensory person is more likely to stick to tried and tested methods than suggest new ones. How can you tell if the person you are speaking to is intuitive or sensory? The two personality types will enjoy very different types of conversation. Test this out by asking the person how their day has gone and listen hard to the types of observations they make. A sensory person will focus on the things they sensed – what they heard people say, what they saw and what color it was, how loud the music was in the elevator. An intuitive person

will not give so many details and will likely give a shorter answer, as the minutiae of the day was not what they were focusing on. Now, ask that same person an abstract question – something about their views on politics, social justice, and religion, anything that is more about considering an issue than observing what is around them. An intuitive will jump on this and begin a conversation that could easily last for hours, exploring new ideas and tapping you for your own opinions, but a sensory will grow tired of it after not too long at all. In essence, a sensory is able to discuss pop culture, the latest social gathering, their day at work or anything else where their strong powers of perception come into play for hours on end, while an intuitive can explore the unknown and intangible much more readily, finding “big ideas” more meaningful and rewarding.

Thinking versus Feeling This dichotomy concerns how a person makes their decisions. A thinker does so based on facts and principles, looking at the logic of a situation and weighing up the positive and negatives sides and searching for explanations. In other words, the driving force behind their decisions is their brain and the emotional impact is given second fiddle. Thinkers are direct and straightforward, focused on fairness and telling the truth, no matter how that affects the person they are talking to. The human element of a scenario is not as important to a thinker as the logical facts in front of them. A feeling person is more driven by their emotions and how a decision will make them feel, rather than the stark logic of the situation. The driving force behind their decisions is their heart. This does not just apply to their own emotions, either: a feeling person will bear in mind the emotional impact that their decision could have on those around them, too. They are compassionate and tactful, preferring to save someone’s feelings rather than give them the cold, hard truth. These are the idealists of the world, who prefer to create harmony and happiness wherever they go. When speaking to a thinker, you’ll notice that they are interested in facts and figures. If you are selling to a thinker, for instance, you’ll find they want to know about the price, the different options available and similarity to another recent purchase. A feeler, on the other hand, wants to know more about how their purchase wills look and feel, how it will fit into their lives

and the lives of their loved ones and what kind of person likes the different options. In a more general conversation, a thinker is likely to gather facts from you – what you do, where you live, who you are related to. They are brief and concise and their words are straightforward. A feeler, on the other hand, will want to know more about how you feel and what you are thinking as they attempt to empathize with you more strongly. They will come across as friendlier and warmer and will be more open about themselves – expecting the same from you in return.

Judging Versus Perceiving The final dichotomy concerns how a person interacts with the world around them and how they deal with the stress and strain of life. A judging person is organized and capable of planning ahead, preparing for outcomes ahead of time and great at meeting deadlines. They focus well and stick between the lines of the careful plans they make. Those who fall into the judging category often make lists of things to do and prefer to get their work finished before turning their attention to recreation. They rarely procrastinate until the last minute, portioning out their workloads evenly. On the other hand, they can tend to focus so much on a goal that they ignore new information along the way to it. A perceiving person, on the other hand, is entirely more flexible and can adapt to changes along the way much more easily. They are more comfortable making decisions without any specific facts and plans available and enjoy experimenting. Those who fall into this category stay open to new information and prefer not to make plans wherever possible. They swap between work and play, completing their work in bursts of energy rather than allocated blocks. On the other hand, they can sometimes stay so open to new information that they miss making decisions when decisions are needed. The difference is mainly about structure. While a judging person likes structure and concrete plans, a perceiving person prefers to be spontaneous and adapt along the way.

When speaking with a judging person, you’ll notice that they have everything figured out for their future plans. If you suggest an activity, their first impulse will be to ask when, where and how long it will last. A perceiving person, on the other hand, will ask if you feel like leaving right now and will be easy and open to a different suggestion. Judging people often come across as more rigid, while perceiving people seem eager to just go with the flow. A judging person might actually appear uncomfortable at a proposal that doesn’t come with detailed information, though whether a person is judging or perceiving doesn’t actually affect their eagerness to indulge in an activity. On the contrary: suggest a day of ice skating to either type and they’re equally likely to love the idea. The judging person is just going to want to know precisely what your plans are to make it happen.

Chapter 33: Interpreting Verbal Communications No communication is completed until the message is received by the receiver. And to make sure that the message has been reached to the specific person properly, people strive to find better ways to reach their audience as the message must have to be communicated in a proper manner. In communication, a principle of sharing is evident. But this sharing needs appropriate verbal communication techniques. A person's personality gets doomed when they open their mouths, and insignificant words come out. It needs proper work and time to enhance and improve an individual's verbal communication skills. No one is born perfect. But people work hard to achieve perfection. Experts believe that good verbal skills are important for your carrier, relationships, and self-esteem. Verbal communication plays a powerful role in the enhancement of one’s personality, career development, and happy personal life. We all are bound directly or indirectly with each other as we move along together in a society. We need to communicate at every step of our lives. We need words to define emotions, thoughts, objects, and behaviors. But these are not just words; these are the verbal skills we learn by the passage of time and with people from whom we interact. Similarly, the person you are going to analyze will also be communicating using more or less the same skills and methods for the same goals and purposes. Thus, understanding them becomes easier.

Pretext Communication Pretext communication is dodging another person in a manner that he realizes the real reason for some specific act later. It is about misinterpreting or hiding information. For example, Anna called her friend on a sleepover without giving her a hint that she wants to complete her homework with her.

Contextual communication It is the form of communication in which both parties know about the exchange of information on account of cultural, environmental, and relational contexts. To explain it better, consider an example of Bluetooth or mobile verification process. When we use mobiles, we have to go through biometrics or personal information sharing, and both sides know the input and output of the shared information. This is called contextual communication.

Sub-textual Communication The subtext is an underlying emotion or intention. It lies behind the actual communication acting like an unspoken dialogue amidst the spoken words. As communication experts say that a person's voice is a vehicle carrying several passengers such as emotions, intonations, and pretexts, and subtexts. Suppose, you are hearing a person delivering a speech about flood victims in a charity fundraiser. You hear him speak seemingly practical words, but his voice carries an underlying sympathy and care for the cause. This behind the curtain's emotion is a sub-textual part of an otherwise ordinary conversation. Similarly, you often find yourself saying "Don't worry, I am fine" with an angry tone, to a nagging friend who keeps on asking if you are okay. When in reality, your voice suggests your anger and sadness and defies your actual words. The art of analyzing people through their communication styles makes you quickly realize these underlying intonations and understand the real intention of a person regardless of what his words are. You may have heard, actions speak louder than words, but here actually, the tone is far more revealing than the word itself.

Inter-textual Communication Even though, according to popular opinion, intertextuality means the explanation of one text in terms of another text or exploring the interrelationship of similar textual pieces. Here, in terms of communication, intertext means to relate the saying or communicative expression of a person to another one that he or she or some other person said or expressed. This way, a person's thoughts, and uttered expressions can be defined and explained through references in a relative manner. The metaphors, quotations, or allusions are sometimes used as intertextual devices. People often communicate in an intertextual manner when they attempt to cite another author or person's sayings to relate to their opinions or statements. The role of verbal skills is very significant and important as we cannot stay mute for hours. We need to share. We need to communicate; we need to interact for the reason of survival. Man cannot survive without letting out the thoughts, feelings, and emotions. And this can only be possible with coherent and concise verbal communications. There are some barriers also which affect verbal communication such as distractions, lack of interest, emotional barriers, the difference in point of view, physical disabilities like hearing problems, speech difficulties, etc. These can be the cause of ineffective verbal communication. The most important barrier is the linguistic barrier as will be discussed below.

Types of Communication Barriers An emotionally intelligent person strives to learn empathy by overcoming barriers in communication. These individual tries to learn methods of effective

communication

by

analyzing

another

person's

way

of

communication; therefore, he must understand that sometimes, these barriers are unavoidable. Obstacles such as distortion or disturbance during a conversation, a disturbed state of mind, or moodiness may become the cause of miscommunication among individuals. Due to these factors, the chances

of

misunderstandings

increase

exponentially

during

communication, and these results in a lack of successful comprehension of the transmitted message. Communication barriers may vary in nature. Some of them are psychological, linguistic, physical, cultural, emotional, etc. See the details of these barriers below: 1.

Linguistic Barriers

The main one is the language barrier that can affect effective communication. Language is an essential communication tool. Every state has its specific language and a thick dialect. If you are unaware of the language or dialect of a region, it can make communication nearly impossible in some cases. Nor can a person being unaware of the language of another individual be able to analyze his voice intonation or verbal expressions. 2.

Psychological Barriers

Several

psychological

and

mental

issues

can

disturb

effective

communication. These issues may vary in people, such as speech disorders,

stage fear, depression, phobia, etc. Sometimes, it can be challenging to manage these conditions. 3.

Emotional Barriers

Your emotional IQ determines the comfort and ease of communication. An emotionally mature person can communicate effectively. For effective communication, you will need a perfect blend of facts and emotions. Particular emotions like humor, sadness, fear, frustration, and anger may blur your executive capacities. 4.

Physical Barriers

Physical barriers are represented by closed doors or cabins, noise, faulty equipment (used for communication), etc. You can remove these barriers easily by using alternatives to facilitate effective communication. Sometimes, physical separation between numerous employees and dependency on some defective equipment for communication can decrease the effectiveness of the mutual interface. 5.

Cultural Barriers

The world is becoming globalized; therefore, a large office often contains people from different regions of the world. Remember, the meaning of a word can be different in every culture. Drinks, food, pets, and general behavior may vary drastically in each culture. For effective communication, you have to consider different cultures during a conversation. Companies may offer specialized courses at their orientation stages. The purpose of these courses is to teach tolerance and courtesy to people from different cultures. In order to be efficient in reading people's behavior and approaching them with the right attitude without causing an

offense intentionally or unintentionally, you have to identify and address these communication barriers appropriately. Technique 1: Note the Greeting & Farewell The conversation your subject is having will have an opening and an end. This technique lets you focus on the way he opens the conversation with people by greeting them and the way he closes it by saying his farewell. You would have to focus on his style of greeting his guests, host, or appointed help in the office environment. Note, does he say "Hi, what's up!" or "Hey/Hello" in a conversational, candid manner or "Good Evening / Good day to you, etc." in a stiff tone? The former will let you know his informal and friendly personality while the latter may suggest a bit more formal and reserved attitude. The excitement, pent up anticipation, and overwhelming joy can also be conveyed through the warmth of the greeting, whereas the suppressed annoyance or displeasure on seeing someone unexpected or unwelcomed can be revealed through the cold, distant greeting message. Similarly, notice how he quotes his farewell message. A person who is quite reluctant to leave someone's precious company will often be regretful while saying his farewell. His words would portray his eagerness to meet again, such as "Can't wait to see you again soon." While a person finding another's company boring or offensive will be impatient to take his leave. His parting words may reveal how glad he is to finally have the chance to escape such as "I think I should go now as I have something quite important to attend to, excuse me." Technique 2: Note the Conversation in between

The research shows how often people tend to overwhelm their audience by wordy phrases and nonstop banter. It sometimes shows that with an unfavorable audience, people fill their conversational address with continuous verbal messages that are complicated to be processed quickly by the brain. This way, the chances of any disapproval are lessened, and an expected argument can be avoided. Diverting the conversation to a person's favorite topic can also grab his interest. A person showing extra quietness or responding with hmms and aahs can also be deemed uninterested or preoccupied. Technique 3: Read Between the Lines (Understand the Innuendos) The popular “Inneundo Effect” suggests that people can be saying something positive and another, less positive thing can be inferred from their words. The fact is that you must learn this technique if you want to understand what people say and what they really think or intend to do. An open mind and an observing eye can notice numerous things. Try to read between the lines as merely visible text interpretation might not be enough while analyzing people and speed-reading their minds. While your subject may seem quite disinterested in buying a particular book, he may be fixated on some alternative approach such as listening to a program on the same topic instead. He may say, "Interesting topic it is, but I am not buying that book, you do that. I am not that much into reading complex books. I prefer spending my time listening to radio programs." Even if he has not clearly declared that he wants to know more about the topic, he has expressed that he thinks it to be interesting. He has also stated that he is more into listening to the radio than reading complex books. But he hasn't declared the topic to be complex, just the format of its

presentation. This means that he may be finding alternative ways to search and know more about the topic that he too has found interesting. Thus, as a person analyzing him, you may understand him more if you read between the lines of this conversation, not just the words that have clearly been said, but also the words that were just insinuated or implied. Technique 4: Understand the Language and Speech Devices This technique focuses on learning the language of the person you are analyzing and the popular literary devices used in that particular language. Metaphors,

similes,

analogies,

allusions,

anagrams,

anecdotes, anthropomorphism, allegory, euphemism, etc.

amplification,

Chapter 34: How to Understand Personality Types Personality is one of the easiest concepts to understand. It is what makes people and comprises of all the characteristics that set a person apart from others. This definition becomes more complex in the world of psychology where it refers to the pattern of cognition, affection, and desires and the way they influence human behavior. Another definition of personality by APA is that it is the differences in characteristic patterns of feeling, thinking and behaving among individuals. APA stands for the American Psychological Association. Personality is an important part of your existence. It has a great impact on human life and contributes greatly to human satisfaction. There are many reasons why you should understand your personality type. Here are some of them Gives you a better understanding of others – when you know your personality scores, you will be able to understand why other people react the way they do. People interact with the world around them differently and no personality is superior to the other. Most conflicts arise when people assume that others should always have the same attitudes, opinions, and views as themselves. Understanding your preferences and traits can help open your eyes about others and this will assist you to respect them more. Helps you to understand your likes and dislikes – maybe there is a habit you have but you do not understand how it arises. For instance, you may be a person that does not like talking on the phone, or you always take time to

make even simple decisions. All these revolve around your personality. By seeking to understand your personality, you will get to know how your preferences come about. This will ensure that you stay on course, even in making life decisions like choosing a career. When you understand what you like/dislike, you will be able to live a happier, more fulfilling life. Helps you to understand the best environment for your success – by getting more information about your personality, you will easily come up with better ways of solving problems. For instance, if you get to know that you are an introverted individual, you will learn how to become comfortable when in a crowd. You will learn how to appreciate your strengths and weaknesses- knowing what you are good or not good at are a great step towards improving your performance and developing yourself. For each personality types, some traits will act as strengths in some situations and weaknesses in others. It is important to understand how you can balance your traits in every situation that comes along. You can only achieve this when you understand your personality type and what it entails. There are several dimensions or frameworks use to define personality. The most common is the five-factor personality model that is used all over the world because of its reliability. This model focuses on the most common personality traits. Every individual always has some knowledge about his or her personality type. These traits that form part of the Big Five include: Openness Extroversion Agreeableness Conscientiousness Neuroticism

The Big Five model was established in the 1970s. The research team comprised of two groups that were under the leadership of Paul Costa and Robert McCrae, as well as Lewis Goldberg from the University of Michigan. These five traits are believed to consist of what makes up a person’s personality. An individual can have one or more of these traits in dominance and others as traces. Let us have a detailed look at each of them.

Openness to Experience Openness is one trait that defines people who are adventurous. If you are a person with this trait, you will have a high sense of curiosity and imagination. Such people really value and appreciate art. They love to try out a variety of new things. Individuals with high levels of openness tend to have a wide range of preferences and interests. They prefer adventure over routine. They always realize their self-actualization through dynamic experiences. Sometimes individuals that rate high in openness appear as unfocused and unpredictable. Openness, in this case, refers to the complexity of a person’s experiences and mental wellbeing. This trait is sometimes referred to as imagination or intellect. Openness gives you the ability to think and operate outside the box. Besides imagination, adventure and curiosity, other characteristics that are related to this trait include: Originality or authenticity Creativity Daringness Varied interest Perceptiveness Depth Cleverness and insightfulness

Individuals whose personality fall in this category also love to learn and enjoy meeting new individuals. Such people make good leaders since they can easily embrace new ideas and they adjust quickly to any changes within teams and the organization. Research associates the trait with diverse skills

and experiences. It also shows that a person’s openness increases naturally as the person grows old. The trait is also directly connected with aspects such as self-understanding, which help individuals to explore their inner self either on their own or with the help of a therapist. Besides correlating with several other traits mentioned above, openness has also been linked with a high sense of stability that continues over time. It is one of the traits that may remain unchanged over long periods. When compared with the other four traits, openness somehow relates to extroversion and neuroticism. However, there is no relation between it and conscientiousness or agreeableness. Individuals who can link their behavior with this trait can take advantage of it to build their lives as they explore themselves, others and the world around them. Individuals who scoreless in this trait often value routines. They always seek to stick to the little they know and do not have a preference for art. Such people tend to stick to habits and ignore new opportunities.

Agreeableness This measures a person’s ability to remain kind and warm towards others. An agreeable person is often trustworthy compassionate and willing to assist others. People that lack this trait tend to be cold towards others. They are always suspicious and do not love to cooperate with others. Most people with this trait often make good dancers. They are always committed to volunteer assignments and this is why other people see them as naïve. They get along well with others and put the interests of other people before their own interests. Such people also value tradition and always conform to power and regulations. They always avoid placing too much emphasis on achievements and power. Their motivation comes from the desire to meet established norms and obligations. They are also driven by the welfare of others and do not act in cruelty or selfishness. Because of their warmth and friendliness, agreeable people always enjoy good family and peer relationships. They are always guided by forgiveness and gratitude and most of them live long. These people always play a vital role in relationships where interaction is essential. The trait is therefore associated with high social support and a healthy adjustment to midlife processes. Because most friendly people always lack the motivation to go for higher levels of success, these people always tend to concentrate on friends and family most of the time. When compared with other traits, agreeableness somewhat correlates positively with extroversion and conscientiousness. It correlates negatively with neuroticism. Like extroverts, agreeable people often have a wide circle of friends. However, they sometimes encounter the challenge of putting others before

themselves. They, therefore, end up missing some important opportunities related to learning, development, and success. Such individuals can take advantage of their strengths through consulting their social networks when help is required and positively engaging in volunteer activities. Below are some of the traits that characterize individuals with this kind of personality. Trust Modesty Altruism Moderation Patience Kindness Unselfishness Willingness to assist others Cheerfulness Sensitivity Loyalty

Most of these individuals are highly loved and respected. They are always sensitive to other people’s needs and always have very few enemies. They are always sympathetic to every, including strangers. Individuals that are disagreeable are less trusted. They are always rude, sarcastic and antagonistic.

Conscientiousness Individuals who possess this trait are always dutiful and highly organized. They are very reliable and result-oriented. They plan their schedules well and do not love unnecessary adventure. Such individuals always find satisfaction in high achievements. They are self-sufficient and value good behavior. One characteristic of conscientious people is that they always delay gratification and ensure that others stick to the rules of an agreement. They make good planners and are more likely to excel in their careers and life in general. Just like openness, individuals who are conscientious always perform well in leadership positions since they complete their assignments with a lot of determination. Conscientiousness is often linked to conformity and high performance. People who measure highly on this trait do value order and routine, selfdiscipline and increased levels of competency. It is also linked to effectiveness in job performance and career success. The trait has also been correlated to adjustment to the challenges of life. This means that those individuals who rank high in conscientiousness are often prepared to handle any obstacles that they encounter. The trait also correlates negatively with things such as smoking, depression and substance abuse. When compared with other traits, it relates negatively to neuroticism and positively with agreeableness. However, it does not have any correlation with openness and extraversion. Common traits associated with conscientiousness include: Ambition

Self-discipline Control Predictability Reliability Thoroughness Persistence Hard work, energy, and planning

From this, it is quite clear that individuals with low levels of conscientiousness tend to be procrastinators. They are often spontaneous and may appear as careless. Most of these views those with high conscientiousness as obsessive and stubborn. People who rank high in this trait can take advantage of their planning, organization and perseverance skills to excel in their assignments.

Extroversion This is one of the most popular traits of this personality model. Extraverted individuals often display a high sense of sociability. They tend to draw their energy from interacting with a large number of people. They are always chatty and cheerful. Individuals with high levels of extroversion always possess a lot of energy for engaging in social activities. They are easy to get along with since they easily mingle with people, including strangers. Sometimes they can be mistaken for attention-seekers or bossy individuals. Some of the common traits in extroverted individuals include: Assertiveness Energy Talkativeness Articulation Love for affection Social confidence Sociability Outgoing capability Friendliness

These people always seek every possible opportunity to interact with someone. They are always active and love environments that provide both pleasure and excitement. They also make good influencers and leaders. They can also contribute to the great success of departments that involve interacting with people such as sales, marketing, and customer service. Such people make effective trainers. They adjust easily to challenges and can sustain social relationships for quite a long time.

Just like openness, this trait is also one of the most stable ones over the years. This means that it is almost impossible for extroverts to shift into becoming introverts and vice versa. Due to this stability, the trait has been effectively used to determine the performance and wellbeing of individuals. It is also used to instill positive emotions and assess the presence of overconfidence in a person’s job performance. In comparison with other traits, extroversion relates negatively to neuroticism and positively with openness. In detail, extroverts do: Focus their interests on the external world instead of internal reality Carry out their tasks based on what others think about them Make decisions based on others and not themselves Their morals are governed by what goes on around them Adapt to almost any environment Are easy to influence and imitate others a lot They always want to be given attention by others One major weakness of extroverted individuals is that they are always prone to making rash decisions and since they love attention, they may be insensitive to the needs of others. The opposite of this trait is introversion. Introverts enjoy spending time alone. They have less value for social interactions and are somewhat confused with shy people.

Chapter 35: Important Of Understanding Personality Types Every tragic event makes us think of our own security. We would all like to know what misfortunes and fatalities await us in the future to be able to avoid them in time. But, fortunately, or unfortunately, this knowledge is beyond our reach. However, the years of experience of experts allowed identifying six basic characteristics that are inherent to potential criminals. Thanks to these signals, it is not difficult to realize if a person can represent a danger to society.

Change in Self-Perception The psycho-emotional portrait of most criminals contains a common detail: a pronounced maximalist or minimalism in judgments, including selfperception. A person can exaggerate his own meaning to be considered a representation of the highest or, on the contrary, minimize their role in society. For example, one of the attackers wrote in his personal diary: "I am God." This is a clearly expressed radical idea of his superiority over others. Undoubtedly, even without special education, it is possible to notice this type of deviations in human behavior, especially if they are atypical for the person in question. How it manifests: Manic desire to express racial, gender, social and other types of superiority over others; Unconscious underestimation of their importance to the rest of the world, relatives, and friends; Categorical refusal to consider any other point of view that differs from their own. The tendency towards dangerous hobbies it is worth saying that interest in cold or fire weapons is not a direct sign that a person is a potential criminal. Legal hunting, the collection of rare knives or rifles, the love of computer shooting games is nothing more than a hobby. It is important to see and understand the line that separates a hobby from the manic tendency to deadly dangers.

But if a person admires psychopaths and criminals, expresses approval and respect for some radical ideas and goals, openly expresses extremism, it is a good reason to stay away.

Lack of Empathy for another Person As a general rule, a person with a tendency to self-destruction eradicates the feeling of compassion and empathy for others. In general, these people lie very well, are prone to violence, and enjoy the torture and humiliation of other people. The modern world is used to expressing their emotions and preferences in the most simple and accessible way: through social networks. Videos of category 18+ with scenes of cruelty and violence, aggressive appeals and slogans, membership in radical communities, are an important part of what should cause concern. Just looking at the content that interests a person, you can often understand what is more focused. How it manifests itself: Inability to sincere repentance for the works performed The person does not express concern for the people around them The person does not care about their own physical and emotional health Great ability to manipulate other people to achieve their own goals. Clear Mental Disorders

In this case, we are talking about inappropriate behavior that differs from established norms. It can be obvious aggressiveness or hatred towards other people and animals, mood swings for no reason, attempts to withdraw and abstract. In reality, the symptoms are many, but people who know their problems can hide them well. After all, in criminal practice, there are many cases of violent psychopaths that, in the family environment, were quite common people. How it manifests: Altered mental activity and behavioral reactions

Irrational aggression and sudden mood swings Behavior that goes beyond the limits of existing moral and cultural norms The person may feel inexplicably happy or unhappily unimportant about the events that occurred Vague awareness of reality and inadequate perception of one's state Problems in Contacting the Outside World

The desire to abstain from the outside world can arise for a number of reasons. It can be caused by a prolonged illness, a mental disorder, a long vacation, or excessive use of modern technology. The tendency to de-socialize in adolescents, school children, or university students is often caused by bullying: psychological terror, persecution, beatings, and humiliation of one person by another. Children and adolescents, as a rule, try to hide this type of aggressive manifestations from others, considering it shameful. If you notice that your friend, son, or relative is under pressure, then in no way should you turn a blind eye.

Depression Here we are talking about real depression, not stress, or a sad spell of bad luck. It is very important to distinguish these concepts, since depression is a mental disorder, while stress or a sad spell of bad luck is quite a natural phenomenon in the life of a person. The experts distinguish several types of this disease, but all are united by these symptoms: Apathy and lethargy, indifference, lack of emotions and desires Sleep disorders, anxiety, fear, loss of concentration Low self-esteem, a desire to hide from society Thoughts about death, suicide, the afterlife, concentration on the negative moments of life Alcohol abuse, refusal to eat or tendency to overeat, unwillingness to take care of one's appearance

What Is the Conclusion? We all sometimes want to be alone; we all have bad mood days and even emotional overflows. So, before drawing conclusions, you must analyze all the components of the person's behavior, because many of our actions depend on the context of the situations in which we find ourselves. And remember that most tragic events could have been avoided if someone had asked for help from another person on time. Human Behavior Is Predictable By 93% A study reveals certain patterns in our mobility, such as the fact that we always return to sites already visited. A team of researchers studied the mobility of thousands of people through the signals of their mobile phones. Thus, they have discovered that our displacements are always highly

predictable, regardless of whether we move large or short distances. Knowing the patterns of human mobility, which are maintained in different social groups and environments, could serve to optimize urban development and public health policies. What We Think About Our Future Determines Our Happiness The electrical activity of the heart can already be simulated. Study shows that body language expresses our socioeconomic status. Religion is an effective regulator of human behavior. Some human behaviors have an evolutionary background. Human behavior is predictable by 93%, says a group of scientists. The researcher came to this conclusion from an investigation in which the displacement patterns of anonymous users of mobile telephony were studied. Specifically, the journeys of a total of 50,000 people, chosen at random from a set of 10 million individuals, were analyzed over three months. This study has revealed that, although it is generally believed that most of the actions that we take are unpredictable and random; however, humans follow regular patterns most of the time. Spontaneous People Are Scarce Spontaneous individuals are scarce among the population. Thus, although significant differences have been found in the travel patterns among the individuals studied, the movements of each one of them, separately, are equally predictable. This predictability is, as has been said, of 93%, regardless of the distance that people travel when traveling: whether they move far from their homes

or stay close to them, you can "guess" with the same exactitude they will find out in the next hour. Another researcher points out that people usually assume that it is easier to predict people that travel very less as compared to people that travel over a thousand kilometers. Back to the Known However, this study has shown that, despite the heterogeneity of displacements, the movement of all individuals falls within what is expected. Research has also shown another surprising aspect of population mobility: patterns of individual movements do not vary significantly depending on certain demographic categories, such as age, sex, population density or whether the location studied is rural or urban These users were also selected randomly from a list of more than six million people. In this case, the results were similar to those of the present investigation: the scientists verified that, in spite of the diversity of the travel history of each of the individuals analyzed, all followed reproducible mobility patterns. What It Is For As the scientists published, foreseeing the movements of people could serve as a management resource for mobile communications. On the other hand, it would also be useful to make models for the expansion of epidemics, to carry out better urban planning or to design traffic more

efficiently. In general, being able to know scientifically how the population is going to move could have a positive impact on society, on public health policies, and on urban development. Be a Model of Behavior for a Teenager When we talk about influencing behavior, one of the most powerful tools is role modeling. Finding an appropriate model of behavior for a teenager or being ourselves is one of the most effective methods to get him to change his habits. Keep in mind that modeling is one of the tools you can use to change your child's behavior. Psychology has traditionally studied imitation. Human beings are social beings, and nature has endowed us with an innate capacity to learn from others by repeating their behavior. This is a fabulous way to maintain the culture at the level of society, but it is also a way to achieve a specific change in behavior in those who need it. The basic idea of this technique is simple. Your child can change his behavior by watching other people do it and evaluating the consequences for them. Imagine possible scenarios: Discover the best educational tools to connect with your adolescent child. A course specially designed to improve communication at home and the motivation of your child.

Learn or increase a behavior before a model that gets rewards: think of a small child who sees another child get what he wants from adults when he cries or howls. I remember the story of a friend who, at three years old, recognized being the class bully. He had a voice so unusually powerful for his age that when he cried, he frightened the rest of his classmates. Only for the teacher to shut up gave her any whim she had. Today, my friend admits having used this ability to make a profit. Sadly, other children of that same class learned their tricks from him, distributing not a few headaches among their families. In this example, the key is that my friend was publicly rewarded for his screams. Decrease or eliminate a behavior in front of a punished model. As intelligent animals, we run away from situations in which we see others get into trouble. Imagine that your child contemplates how his classmates laugh at a boy with glasses. It is very likely that if one day he needs them, he will resist using them or will ask you to wear contact lenses to avoid being discriminated against. In both examples, there is a model that obtains some consequences of its social group for its behaviors. The people who surround this model learn from these consequences and try to repeat or avoid their behavior depending on whether they are rewarded or punished.

Chapter 36: Mastering the Secrets of Nonverbal Whereas the key to success when it comes to both professional and personal relationships lies in the ability to communicate correctly, it is not necessarily the words that one uses but the body language and nonverbal cues that speak volumes. Hiding behind a barrier is one of the typical responses that we learn at a tender age. We usually do this as a way of offering protection to ourselves. As kids, it was reasonable to hide behind particular solid objects like furniture whenever we realized that we had gotten into hot soup or threatening situations. As we continue to advance in age, this behavior of hiding becomes sophisticated, as just another behavior pops in. Since hiding behind an object was one of the prohibited behaviors, folding the arms tightly across the chest is also another behavior that came in during threatening situations. As teenage checks in, kids will learn how to make the gesture of crossed arms more evident by relaxing the hands and arms just a little bit. They would also accompany the signals with legs that are crossed.

Defensive Arms Display The gesture of folding the arm has been upgraded to the extent where now people try to make it even less evident to others who are seeing them. When a single or both the arms are folded, maybe across the chest, a barrier is then created. This is one of the ways of blocking all that might be perceived as threats or situations that are undesirable. When arms are neatly folded across the regions of the lungs and heart, it is a sign of protecting these very vital organs. That shows that the behavior of crossing the arms could be inborn. One thing that is for sure is that when a person has a defensive or nervous attitude, there are possible chances that he will have his hands tightly on the chest as a sign of feeling threatened.

Self-Hug Hugging is one habit that has evolved with time. As kids grow up, their parents or caregivers will hug them when they are in tensed or distressed situations. As adults, there is usually an attempt to recreate these very comforting gestures each time we get to stressful circumstances. Apart from taking a whole arm-cross sign that could reveal to all that we are in a fearful circumstance, there is a subtler version that women usually substitute. A Partial Arm-Cross is a situation where a person’s single arm is made to swing across the body to or even make contact to the remaining arm that forms a boundary and appear like she’s hugging herself. In places or events where a person might appear stranger to the group or does not have the self-confidence, the use of partial arm barriers is always very rampant. Any female taking her full place in a stressful circumstance will usually make claims that she is just okay, which could be so untrue. Men, on the other hand, use a partial arm barrier that is known as HoldingHands-With-Yourself. Men who stand right in front of a crowd to give a speech or receive an award commonly use this. The other name for this kind of self-hug gesture is Broken Zipper Position. The gesture gives the man a sense of security since he will be able to safeguard his expensive items and can also bar the consequences of getting a very unwelcome frontal blow. It is the exact place that men take in a line at a food court or to get social security advantages and goes ahead to reveal their vulnerable and depressed feelings. This brings on the feeling of having another person holds your own hands. Adolf Hitler, for instance, used this gesture so frequently as a

way of masking the sexual inadequacy that he felt as someone who just had a single testicle. He did this in public. It is evident that the man’s hands were shortened by evolution to enable them to take up some of these errands and reach some places without straining. This is due to the fact that when chimpanzees, which are our closest primate cousins, assume the very similar situation, their hands usually cross at their knees.

The Territorial Arm Displays Status can also influence one to use a given arm folding gesture. A superior kind of person can make his superiority evident by failing to fold his hands, saying that they are not afraid of anything. For instance, if a general manager of a firm is introduced in a company function, he will usually stand back from them, with his hands in his back or by his side or in a superiority position. At times, he can also put one of his hands in his pockets, which is a sign of non-involvement. In very rare cases will such a person fold his arms across the chest as an indication of the tinniest sign of being nervous? Once they have shaken hands with the boss, the new employees might also opt to cross their aims either fully or partially because of their main apprehension of being in the company of the highest leader of the company. Both the company’s GM and the new workers will feel very comfortable with their respective gesture clusters as each one of them is signaling his status that is relative to the other. However, things might get a different twist when the GM meets a young and upcoming male individual who might display some superiority and even signal that he is as important as the general manager. What happens is that after the two have given everyone a dominant handshake, the upcoming young officials may be forced to fold their arms as a signal with both the thumbs folding in the upward direction. The gesture shows two arms that are crossed and all the thumbs facing up, indicating that the individual is in control and feeling just okay. As he continues to speak, he will gesture with his thumbs as a means of displaying

to others that he has a self-confident kind of attitude, and the arms that are folded still provided a sense of security. A person who is not only feeling submissive and also very defensive will sit in symmetrically implying that the other part of their body is the best mirror to the other side. They will show the tone of a stressed muscle and appear like they are sensing an attack, while someone who is dominant and defensive will just opt to sit in an asymmetrical way, where one part of the body does not mirror the other.

How to Spot Insecurity in the Rich and Famous People who are usually exposed to others, such as movie stars, TV personalities, politicians, and royalties usually don’t intend their audience to realize that they either nervous or unsure of what they are doing or saying when they are on the limelight. When on display, these people usually prefer to project a controlled, calm, and cool attitude each time they are on display. However, their apprehension or anxiety normally comes out in not so good forms such as the crossing of arms. Like it is the case with all armcrossing signals, a single arm swings across the body in the direction of the other arm, but instead of the arms getting to cross each other, one hand touches or hold on to a watch, or a handbag on or close to their other arm. For another time, the boundary is created, and the feeling of security is attained. Men who wear cufflinks are usually captured fixing and adjusting them when they cross the dance floor or a room full of people. Adjusting the cuff-links was one of the trademarks of Prince Charles, who applied it to feel secure each moment he walked across an open place fully aware that there are other people who are watching them. One would be deceived to believe that after close to a whole century of being confronted by large crowds and scrutinized in public, royals like Prince Charles will try to resist some of the nervous feelings that are revealed by his small arm-crossing. A self-conscious and anxious man will usually find himself trying to adjust the band on his wristwatch, rubbing his hands together or checking what are contained in their wallets. At times, they can also be seen playing with the

buttons on their cuff or even using any gestures that enable his arms to cross in front of their body. One of the most favorite gestures for a businessman who is insecure is making in ways to an official event holding a folder or briefcase in front of their bodies. To someone who has some training, these signals are just giveaways since they achieve no definite aim as opposed to a try to hide their nervousness. If there is a better place of observing these body signals, then it has to be at any place where individuals walk past a large group of bystanders. A good example would be a man who moves to the dancing podium to look for a female dancer who can join him on the dance floor or a person who cross the stage to go and get an award. The use of hidden arm barriers by women is not easily noticeable as that of men. This is because women will be able to grasp into things such as purses or handbags if they are unsure of themselves or become self-conscious. Princess Anne and other loyalties would usually clutch some flowery items each time they are making inroads in public. The flowers and handbag clutch are the favorite for Queen Elizabeth. There are very limited chances that she would be carrying lipstick, theatre tickets, and credit cards in the purse. Instead of that, she applies this as a kind of safety blanket when necessary and as a way of sending out a strong message. The royal watchers have recorded a total of twelve signs that she sends to her minders whenever she wants to leave, go, or be taken from a conversation she does not enjoy. There is a very usual means of creating a strong barrier is to carry up a glass of cup with two hands. Usually, one would only need one hand to hold the cup, but two hands will enable the insecure person to create a nearly

invisible boundary. These kinds of signals are applied nearly by everyone, and there are some of us who are fully aware that we are applying them.

Chapter 37: Our Bodies and the Way They Talk Body language is nonverbal communication that requires physical gestures as opposed to words, to express or convey the information. Such gestures include the facial expressions, the body posture, the eye movements, gestures, touch and the use of spaces. Body language should not be mistaken for sign language, as sign languages are full languages like spoken languages with their own grammar rudiments, Body language, on the other hand, does not have a grammar system and it has to be understood broadly, instead of having a meaning already attached to it like other languages. So, it cannot really be termed a language unlike the sign language and is simply termed as a "language". Body language helps with understanding people well; you'd know if the person really enjoys your conversation, you'd know if someone is telling a lie. Body language tells you what the person isn't really telling you. Learning to read the nonverbal verbal signs people send is a very valuable skill. From eye movements to the level of proximity, body language reveals what a person is really thinking and not saying. Whether in an organization or out with colleagues, the body language of the people around you speaks loud volumes. Body language can tell us a lot of unspoken information about the people we encounter in our lives.

It can tell us, for example, when they’re

uncomfortable, when they’re lying, or when they’re a dominant personality. More than three-quarters of what we communicate to one another is nonverbal and a lot of this has to do with the way we use our bodies while

we’re communicating. Observing the body language of other people may seem demanding, but it’s a crucial component of understanding other people, their motivations and their intentions.

What people say may

completely contradict what their body language is saying and that’s a clue you need to be able to read. If what’s coming out of someone’s mouth isn’t the whole truth, what other measure do you have to get to the bottom of what they’re trying to say? Your body language will need transformation if you wish to overcome your anxiety. This will not come easily as you will have to practice regularly through the small conversations you enter into. When talking to people, try to make eye contact. Speak loudly for people to hear you clearly. If possible give hugs and shake hands. Working on your body language will boost your confidence in great ways. Dealing with negative emotions is not as challenging as you might have assumed. It all boils down to what you think about. As part of making sure that you live a productive life, always ensure that you associate yourself with the right people. The influence you get from them will have a huge impact on your life. Similarly, you need to find a way out of stressful situations. Go to the gym and workout. Give your body and opportunity of releasing endorphins to help you feel good. Inviting positive vibes your way is an ideal way of banishing negative feelings. How to tell when someone is saying the truth A longer and more detailed story A liar would likely give a shorter version of the event, to avoids questions they can't answer thrown at them. So, to know if the person is telling the

truth, the story will be detailed and longer. They take the blame While liars tend to make excuses and put the blame on people or external forces, but a person telling the truth is less likely to do so. Listen to the person you are talking to, is the constantly blaming someone or external forces as a cause of his predicament? If the person didn't touch their nose at all, take this as a good sign. They are not sweating and out of breath when talking Liars tend to sweat a lot when lying, and have troubles catching their breaths. If a person isn't sweating and not trying hard to breathe (minus health issues) the person might be telling the truth. They are not trying to sound so convincing If a person is lying, the person would try his or her best to sell the lie to you and not have you find out that it is all a lie. So, words like "that are how it is right?" or "you've witnessed it". Words that make it feel like the person is pushing his or her story to you are a sure sign the person is telling a lie. They do this to get affirmation that you bought the lie. Positive Bodily Gestures: Open Palms, Leaning Forward, Speed and Tone of Voice Leaning Forward Proximity is the distance between you and a person. Pay close attention to how close someone sits next to you to determine if they like you or are enjoying your company. Sitting near someone is perhaps one of the best indicators of a good relationship. You can tell a lot about the type of relationship two people have just by observing the distance between them.

The tone, volume, pitch, and emphasis of a person's voice can help you decode the hints that can help you tell what they are feeling. For example, if you notice plenty of consistencies in the tone of their voice as they speak, they are probably very happy and excited. The tone in which an individual ends their sentence says a lot about what they are trying to convey even with similar verbal clues. For example, if a person completes their sentence on a raised note, they are doubtful of something or are asking a question. Similarly, if they finish the sentence with a flat tone, they are pronouncing a statement or judgment. Watch out for how people end their sentences to get a clue about their inner feelings. Again, the words people emphasize can help you uncover their true feelings. For example, if a person says, “Have you borrowed the blazer?” while emphasizing ‘borrowed,’ it indicates their doubt over whether you have borrowed, stolen, or done something else to the blazer. However, if the emphasis is on ‘you,’ they aren’t sure if it is you or someone else who has borrowed the blazer. I also like to look at pauses between phrases to know about the person's attitude, emotions, and intentions. For example, if a person pauses after saying something, it could be because what they just said is extremely important to them, or they truly believe in it. Sometimes, a person pauses to seek validation or feedback from others. The speaker wants to gauge your reaction to what they said since it is important for them.

Crossed Limbs Crossed limbs are signals of people creating a subconscious barrier. They are emotionally closed, suspicious, or do not subscribe to your ideas. They aren’t open to listening to your views or are disinterested in the topic of conversation. You may have to emotionally open the person up a bit by changing the topic and then get back to the original topic. The physical act of uncrossing their limbs will make them more subconsciously receptive to your ideas.

Feet Turned Away The direction of a person’s feet can also determine what’s going on in their mind. Since feet aren’t the first thing on anyone’s mind, it’s harder to manipulate body language related to legs and feet. If a person’s feet are pointing away from you, they are subconsciously signaling their need to escape.

Chapter 38: Verbal Vs. Nonverbal Imagine that you are trying to send an important message to someone. How should you go about delivering it? It is difficult to know how best to convey a message to someone else, especially if you find that you will need to convey some sort of bad news to the other party. When that happens, your best interest is often in making sure that there is no miscommunication, meaning that you want to be there in person. Think about when the police are tasked with delivering the bad news of informing someone that their loved one has been found dead—they go in person. This is to make sure that the message is heard while also ensuring that there is no miscommunication. When you communicate in any other way than physically with someone else, you run the risk of miscommunication simply because so much is conveyed through nonverbal cues. This means that if you were to send an email with just the words in front of you, the message may be taken drastically differently than it would have been if you had chosen to say it in person. As social creatures, you have to communicate regularly with other people, and you do so, almost all of the time. Even not doing or saying anything is communicating something to someone else. The problem is, most of the time, we tend to ignore or disregard nonverbal communication, simply because so much of it is interpreted unconsciously. You may not be aware of it, but you are constantly cueing into how other people speak to you, approach you, or even look at you.

Communication is so intrinsic to our ability to relate to other people, and yet most people do not understand the effort that goes into it. People do not realize or recognize how intricate the art of communication is, and they simply take it for granted. That means, then, that they also have a tendency to miss out on important cues that would otherwise help immensely when it comes to understanding and interacting with others. Within this chapter, you will be provided with a crash-course into understanding communication. In particular, we will take a look at the differences between verbal and nonverbal communication, allowing you to begin to understand the difference between the two. You will see an overview of each of the types of communication and what they entail. For example, you will learn what is meant when someone refers to vocalics versus verbal communication—there is a difference between the two. As you read this, you will be given all of the pertinent information you will need to proceed with learning to read and understand body language. This will provide you with far more insight than you otherwise would have developed if you had simply been given a list of which actions mean what. This is imperative if you want to have a solid understanding of people and how communication truly works.

Communication Communication, when simplified, is the idea that two people or beings are able to convey messages to one another in order to share thoughts or ideas. However, there is so much more that goes into communication than simply assuming that if you say one word, I understand it. There are seven stages to communication with an eighth element interfering with the entire process. Within this section, you will be guided through understanding the eight elements of communication.

The sender The sender is the individual that is conveying a message. This is the original source of the communication that is being sent. The sender is the one who decides what it is that they want to communicate to the other party. The sender may feel the desire to communicate with the other party and needs to figure out how best to go about the process. For example, imagine that your friend has come to your house and has brought a delicious cake. You took a bite and really enjoyed it. You now have a desire to communicate with your friend. This makes you the sender.

The message With the desire to send a message in mind, you now must figure out what the message that you wish to convey is. Perhaps you have a deep-seated feeling of joy after taking a bite of that cake, feeling entirely satisfied. You decide that you wish to convey that satisfaction to your friend in order to make sure that they know that you truly appreciated the deliciousness of the cake that they provided for you.

Encoding the message With your message in mind, you now must figure out how best to convey that message. This is where encoding the message comes into play. You must look at the situation and your receiver in order to figure out exactly how you should be communicating. Can you communicate it in words? Will you be able to use a verbal language? Which language is the most effective here? If you speak English and Spanish, but your friend that made the cake only speaks English, you likely would not choose Spanish as your language of choice to convey that message. You want to ensure that your language is encoded in a way that will be understood by the receiver, no matter how you may choose to channel the message. Here, you decide that your message is, “I really like this cake!”

Channeling the message With your message chosen, you must now figure out how best to channel the message. This is determining how you are sending the message. Is it told face-to-face? Are you sending a text message? Perhaps you will write a note. Are you saying it out loud, or handing a quick note? No matter how you choose to convey it, what you are sending is the message of, “I really like this cake!”

The receiver With the message channeled, it should now be provided for your receiver. This means that the other person has, in fact, received the message and will now be responsible for the other half of the communication process.

Decoding the message Upon receiving the message, the receiver must figure out how to decode it. This means that the receiver must figure out what was meant to be conveyed. They are able to understand the message so they can respond accordingly. At this point, your friend hears your message and processes the channeled message. This is the stage where your friend understands that you liked the cake and is happy himself.

Feedback After understanding the message, the receiver then responds to it somehow, marking the beginning of the process all over again. This means that the communication process functions largely as a cycle, in which people convey messages, have them understood, and then have the messages responded to in a constant back and forth exchange until the communication session is over.

Noise Finally, noise refers to anything that will interfere with the communication session. For example, you may have literal loud noises interfering, making communication impossible between yourself and the other party. There may be bad weather that is making your phone reception spotty, meaning the phone call continuously drops on you. You may try to send a message via text-to-speak technology on your phone and have it completely bungle the message. You may have an incredibly thick accent that makes you difficult to understand. All of these are examples of noise that would interfere with your communication. The example given above was an example of verbal communication. However, the same order follows for nonverbal communication. Think about a dog wagging its tail. The dog is the sender. It has a feeling of being happy and then figures out how best to communicate that message. The dog then wags its tail to communicate to others that it is happy, who then receives the message, and acknowledge that the dog is, in fact, happy. Of course, when it is nonverbal communication, it is not usually quite as intentional consciously.

Verbal Communication We will first address verbal communication. When you are using verbal language, you are using the use of words or sounds in order to express a message in some way. Perhaps the most notable feature of verbal communication is that it is largely arbitrary and requires learning in order to truly understand it. Verbal communication, then, is learned and specific to certain groups. This is exemplified by the fact that humans have several different languages that are rather clustered based on geography. People within one geographic language tend to speak the same language as each other, though there are always exceptions. Verbal communication is any form of communication that relies on words —arbitrary sounds meant to define or convey a very specific idea. For example, in English, we may say that a cat is a cat. The process of making the word cat tells anyone else that speaks English that you are referring to a small, fuzzy, four-legged feline with whiskers and a tail that is commonly kept as a house pet. If you were to say cat to someone who does not understand a word of English, such as someone who speaks Spanish, they would not understand what you meant by the word, “Cat.” However, if you pointed at a cat, they would probably say the word, “Gato,” in response, while someone who spoke French may say, “Chat,” and someone who spoke German would say, “Katze.” At the end of the day, cat, gato, chat, and Katze all refer to that quadrupedal, fluffy feline with the long tail and whiskers. They all share that common meaning, though they are all said entirely differently from one another. This is because they are all speaking different languages.

Verbal communication is not limited solely to the words that you speak, either—it also encompasses written communication, as you are still using arbitrary symbols to represent a concept that you would not be able to clearly define otherwise. Along with written language, you may also see sign language. Though commonly lumped into nonverbal communication due to a lack of using the voice and relying on gestures, sign language still classifies as verbal simply because it is still making use of arbitrary signs and symbols that are meant to represent a concept that would not be innately understood by those around you if they did not have prior knowledge of the language.

Nonverbal Communication Nonverbal communication, on the other hand, is far more innate. For the most part, nonverbal communication is largely understood across borders. There are always certain aspects of nonverbal communication that are cultural, such as avoiding eye contact in the United States are deemed as rude while other cultures would deem you rude for making eye contact in the first place. When you are communicating nonverbally, you are focusing on how to interact with someone else without words. Think about a smile—no matter the culture you are from, you should be able to understand that a smile is a sign of kindness or happiness, no matter where you were from. In particular, nonverbal communication is commonly broken down into five categories that define different aspects: Kinesics, oculesics, haptics, proxemics, and vocalics. All of these will convey a certain message without the use of any words.

Chapter 39: Truth and Relationships Fact is that only 54% of the lies can be spotted in an accurate manner. Research has also proved that extroverts tell more lies when compared to the introverts and not less than 82% of the lies usually go without being detected. However, the good news is that people can also improve their abilities for lie detection, maximizing to close to 90% accuracy. The big question here is how to detect that someone is lying. One of the initial steps in this whole process is getting with how someone typically acts, especially when they are speaking. Basically, this is the process of coming up with known as a baseline. A baseline is essentially how a person acts when they are under nonthreatening and just normal conditions. According to the Science of People website, it is basically how a person appears when they are saying the truth. To make it clearer, it might be a bit difficult to tell when a person is not speaking the fact if you are not sure of how they usually act when saying the truth, which, to a wider extent, makes a lot of sense. However, the techniques that are used to determine if someone is lying can be very confusing. As a matter of fact, these strategies can even be very conflicting. Due to that, it is important to think twice before making an accusation, ensure that you feel more than once about doing it unless it is important to go ahead and find out what happened. Here are some of the telltale signs that someone is not telling the truth:

The Behavioral Delay or Pause It begins when you ask someone a question, and you get no reply initially. The person then begins to respond after some delay. There is one big question that should be asked here; how long should the delay extend before it becomes meaningful before it can be regarded as a deceptive sign? It, however, depends on a few factors. You can try this particular exercise on a friend, and ask a question like this, “What were you doing on a day like this six years ago. After asking that question, you will notice that the person will take an invariable pause before answering the question. This is because it is not a type of question that naturally evokes a fast and immediate answer. Even as the person takes time to think about the question, he might still not be able to give a meaningful response. The next question to ask would be this,” Did you rob a cloth shop on this day six years ago?” if they make a pause before giving you the answer you need, then it would be very important to pick the kind of friends you have wisely. In most cases, there will be no pause, and the person is likely to respond by just saying no and letting the story die. This is a simple test that tends to drive home the point that the delays should usually be considered out of the church of God. In the context of whether; it is appropriate for the question at hand.

The Verbal or non-verbal disconnect The human brains have been wired in a manner that causes both the nonverbal and the verbal behaviors to match up in a natural manner. So, each time, there is a disconnect, it is usually regarded as a very important deceptive indicator. A very common verbal or nonverbal disconnect that you should look out for will occur when someone nods affirmatively while giving a “No” answer. It might also occur when a person moves his head from one end to the other when giving a “Yes” answer. If you were to carry out that mismatch, as an example, to offer a response to a question, then you will realize that you will have to force yourself through the motion that you have. But despite all that, someone who is deceptive will still do it without even giving it a second thought. There are a number of caveats that have been connected to this type of indicator. First of all, this type of indicator is not applicable in a short phrase or one-word response. Instead, it is only suitable in a narrative response. For instance, consider that a human head might make a quick nodding motion when a person says “No.” That is just a simple emphasis and not a disconnect. Second, it is also very important not to forget that a nodding motion does not necessarily mean “Yes’ in certain cultures. In such cultures, a side-to-side head motion also does not imply that the person is saying “No.”

Hiding the Eyes or the Mouth Deceptive people will always hide their eyes or mouth when they are not saying the truth. There is a tendency to desire to cover over a given lie, so if the hand of a person moves in front of their mouth while they are making a response to a given question, which becomes significant. In a similar instance, hiding the eyes can be an inclination to shield a person from the outlast of those they could be lying to. If an individual shield or covers their eyes when they are responding to a question, what they could also be showing, on the level of subconscious, is that they can't bear to see the reaction to the lie they are saying. In most cases, this kind of eye shielding could be done using the hand, or the person could as well decide to close the eyes. Blinking is not in the picture here, but when a person closes their eyes while making a response to a question that doesn’t need reflection to answer, which can be considered as a way of hiding the eyes, hence becoming a possible deceptive indicator.

Swallowing or Throat Clearing If a person loudly swallows saliva or clears the throat before answering a given question, then there is a problem somewhere. However, if any of these actions are performed after they have answered the question, then there is nothing to worry about. But when it happens before answering a question, then there are some things that should be analyzed. The person could be doing the nonverbal equivalent of the following verbal statements,” I swear to God…” This is one of the ways of dressing the lie in the best attires before presenting it. Looking at it from the physiological point of view, the question might have created a type of anxiety spike, which can as well as cause dryness and discomfort in the throat and mouth.

The Hand-to-Face Actions The other way of determining if someone is saying a lie is to check what they do with their faces or in the head region each time they are asked a question. Usually, this would take the form of licking or biting the lips or even pulling the ears or lips together. The main reason behind this reflects one of the simple science questions that are usually discussed in high school. When you have someone a question, and you notice that it creates a kind of spike in anxiety, what you should remember is that the right response will be damaging. In return, that will activate the autonomic nervous system to get to business and try to dissipate the anxiety, which might appear to drain a lot of blood from the surface of the extremities, ears, and the face. The effects of this could be a sensation of itchiness or cold. Without the person even realizing it, his hands will be drawn to the mentioned areas, and there could be rubbing or wringing of the hands. And just like that, you might have spotted a deceptive indicator.

Chapter 40: Vulnerability Cues One thing that we need to take a look at when we are analyzing someone is how comfortable they are with us. If they are comfortable, their stance is going to be more relaxed. They will offer us more information about themselves; have more open expressions, and so much more. But when someone is feeling uncomfortable with you, then this is going to spell out some trouble for you as well. This is going to make it harder for you to talk with them. They may even inch away from you in the hopes of ending the conversation before you have a chance to get to know them. So, one of the first things you need to explore is whether or not someone is comfortable or uncomfortable around you. As soon as you notice that someone is uncomfortable with the situation or with you in particular, you can start to take the proper steps to get them at ease and feeling better. Now, how do you make sure that you can meet up with someone and ensure that they are as comfortable with you as possible? Some of the signs that you should watch out for to tell if someone is uncomfortable with you or in that situation will include:

The Flinch or Wince When we find ourselves in an awkward situation, it is never fun, and it is going to cause people to wince literally. When someone is feeling uncomfortable, but they don’t want to let others know, they may wince or flinch a bit. This is going to be a quick contraction of the torso away from you. And the wince is going to be like they stubbed their toe, or got a paper cut. They often don’t realize they are doing it, or they don’t want you to know about it because they are polite. But, if you do pick up on this with the other person, take note of what is causing that reaction.

They Back Away From You When someone feels uncomfortable, it is possible that they will take a step back from you without realizing what they are doing. If they aren’t able to move away from you or the situation, then they will see how much they can close off of themselves. This can include turning away, crossing the arms and legs, and retreating in the torso. This process is known as blocking body language. This is something we can do without thinking about it as a way to protect ourselves. If you are with another person and notice that they are doing these actions, it may be a good idea to respect their personal space (remember that each person has a different idea of what their own space is and how large it is), consider taking a step back, and allow them the space they need to get comfortable.

Their Words and Gestures Get Faster Any time you are around another person who is not feeling that comfortable, they may have a sense of fight or flight. And in this situation, they are going to start moving their arms wildly. And in some cases, they are going to start talking faster. This is because the person feels that their breath and the beat of their heart go faster. When this happens, it is going to include their speech and gestures accelerating because it allows them to get the conversation done with.

Their Laughter is Nervous Nervous laughter is another thing that we need to take a look for when we are trying to figure out how comfortable someone is around us. We have all heard the difference between real laughter and nervous laughter. This nervous laughter is often going to erupt, and it is a way for us to release some of the tension that is found inside. This is why they may giggle or laugh at things that would seem odd to another person.

The Tone of Their Voice Changes One of the first things that we are going to notice when we are talking to someone nervous around us is the tone of their voice. We can notice this if we know the person from before, and we know what the usual tone of their voice is, but we can also see this with someone we have never talked to in the past. When someone is nervous, it is sometimes going to appear in a loud and squeaky voice. This is because we have an increased amount of stress because of that situation. The voice is often going to rise in pitch, and it is going to sound more shrill than before. As the stress rises in the individual, the tension will rise, and this causes some issues with the vocal cords.

They Have Trouble Maintaining Their Eye Contact If someone is comfortable with you and doesn’t mind spending some time talking with you, then they will have no problem talking to you and maintaining good eye contact. But when someone keeps looking at their watch, glancing over their shoulder, or seeming like they can look everywhere besides at you, then this is a good sign that the person is not enjoying the conversation. This one often needs a few more signs to go along with it. It could mean that they are not interested in the conversation. It could mean that you are dominating the situation and the conversation, or it could mean that there is something with you or the conversation or the situation around you that is making the person feel uncomfortable. When this does happen, it is an excellent time to pause for a moment and take a break from the conversation. You can stop talking and then ask the other person what they think or what views they hold on the subject. Then, give them some time to talk to you without interrupting. The answer that they provide will help you to know if this is a conversation that the person is interested in continuing, or if it is something that you need to stop and move on with.

The Answers They Give are Only One or Two Words Long If someone is comfortable with you and is enjoying the conversation, then their words are just going to flow out of them. This is true even if you and the other person have just met each other. But, if you get into a conversation with someone and you find that they are only giving one-word answers, then this is a sign that they aren’t interested in the conversation, that they are distracted, or that they are shy and don’t know how to make the conversation go more. This may take a bit more work to get the person to open up and talk with you a bit more. If the person is shy, then you need to change your tactics to get them to be more comfortable and get them to open up a little bit more. For example, make sure that you show interest in them, and see if it helps only to ask questions that need a more detailed answer, rather than ones that can be answered with yes or no.

Their Ears Get Red, or They Scratch Their Nose These are signs that someone is not that comfortable in the situation, but they are more subtle signs that are easy to miss out on or assume are not that important at all. When these show up though, you know for sure that the other person is not feeling at ease in the situation and that you need to approach them differently. If you are talking to someone who seems to blush when they feel embarrassed or nervous, then you already have a good idea that having a red face is a big sign of someone not being comfortable with the situation. But some people are going to blush in a less obvious manner. This means that you need to watch out for places other than the face that starts to get red. You want to watch the ears in particular because this is an early sign that the other person is feeling out of place. In addition to watching the color of the ears of the other person you are talking to, it is also a good idea to watch the other person and how often they are scratching their nose. If they only do this once in the whole conversation, then this is not a big deal. But if you see them doing this all of the time, then this is a good sign that they are feeling nervous, and that you may need to lighten up the conversation and help them feel more at ease. One thing that a lot of people don’t realize is that an increased amount of blood flow to the face is going to cause the nose to feel itchy. The nose is going to have a ton of blood vessels in it. And when we are under stress, which is something that can happen when we feel nervous or like we don’t belong, it is possible for the flow of the blood to increase, and a lot of that is

going to end up in the blood vessels of the nose. This causes it to itch and can be a sign that there is some uneasiness going on. As you can see from this, along with some of the other topics that we will explore in this guidebook, body language is going to do a lot to tell us on what the other person thinks, and how they are feeling. It even helps us to know if someone is feeling a bit uncomfortable around us or not. If you find that you are the one who is the source, although sometimes, it could be another person, the situation, or something else, then you may find that giving someone a bit of space and offering up a quick apology for it can help them to relax. Saying something like, “I’m sorry if I’m a bit much. I get onto a topic and get so excited that I overdo it. I would love to hear your opinion on XYZ!” This helps to let the other person know that you are not trying to make them feel uncomfortable, and can get things back on track for you.

Conclusion Analyzing people is very essential because people interact for different reasons. They communicate and behave in certain ways for purposes that may not be very apparent. Patterns of communication and behavior may also either reveal or conceal deeper mental and perceptive mindsets that bear the actual message of communication. For that reason, it is vital for people to learn how to unveil the deeper mental patterns that are concealed and assign them meaning. This is ordered to gain the best understanding of people, phenomena, and actions of others towards. Thanks for reading this book. A great deal of our emotions is expressed through our arms and hands. The warm embrace of a touch indicates love while a sharp slap translates to anger. Much of our productivity depends on the accuracy of our arms and hands when completing tasks. The movements of the arms and hands are quite obvious as they are used as a complement to verbal expression. Let’s consider a few subliminal signals we receive from analyzing the hands and arms. As our arms expand, we typically appear larger than our normal demeanor. This could be used as a descriptive means to explain how massive a person or object is, or this could be a subtle sign of instigating aggression or dominance. It also indicates spatial awareness. A person could expand the arms to give the subtle signal that they prefer space. It could be likened to “marking their territory.” On the contrary, when the arms expand but curve towards the person, this is reminiscent of a hug. This embrace indicates

safety or protection. Many mother figures are seen welcoming their children in this manner. Since we primarily use our hands and arms to gesture, they are extremely descriptive tools that express our emotions. When the arms are raised, this is a sign of frustration and overwhelming doubt. We can almost envision an overwhelmed person clenching their hands over their ears or on top of the head as a means of protection. We can picture a frustrated mother or father crossing their arms towards their child when they do something naughty. However, when the arms are tightly crossed with the hands either balled into fists or nestled in the armpits, this signals combat. This occurs when an individual has been taunted. Their anger is essentially holding their arms inward as a protective means. The hidden fists could signal the person holding themselves back from doing something they would regret. Individuals who have been exposed to violence or who feel vulnerable may have a strong dislike for people speaking to them with their hands in their faces. Even a slight gesture could signal a fight or flight response. When the arms are thrusting forward, this is a scare tactic usually intended to create emphasis. We fight with our arms and hands, so the connection between the two is threatening. When the arms are positioned behind the backs and out of sight of the person they are engaging with, this indicates hidden intent. The person may lack confidence, or they are attempting to hide their fear through fiddling with their hands behind their backs. This isn’t necessarily a sign of a liar. Rather, the person may simply feel uncomfortable, or they are preventing themselves from saying something.

The elbows, when facing out, could be a silent cry for space. A person may want others to back away from them without having to actually verbally express their disposition. This can easily be observed through the actions of children. Toddlers, who cannot communicate verbally, will often extend their elbows in a sharp motion in order to indicate space. As adults, we do this subconsciously as a means of inner protection. The hands are quite detailed in their means of communication. One move of the hand can indicate an invitation while another movement could ignite conflict. When the hands are crossed with the thumbs tucked under, this is a signal of peace. East Indian gurus can be seen holding their hands in this way to express giving, peaceful natures. They wish to extend this light to others through their physical movements. When the hands are placed in front of the belly button, with the fingers touching and open palms, this is a symbol of dignity. The person is trying to show their partner that they are confident, professional, and conscientious. The hands are also key indicators of direction. We use our fingers to point towards areas of interest. When the hands are placed delicately on the knees with the palms down, this could indicate submission, especially when leaning towards the opposite person. Women usually engage in this stance while attempting to show interest in a flirtatious manner. Hand gestures can also indicate movement. When the palm is facing a person, this translates to dismissal and disapproval. The person is using their hands to physically block the other person from their sight. When the hands are touching parts of the face, this could translate to brainstorming, boredom, or even decision making. When the palms are essentially holding the face and cheeks upward, this is a clear indicator of a

person attempting to wake themselves up from a boring situation. It shows disinterest in the most obvious of ways. However, when the index finger is pointing towards certain areas of the face, a person could be deep in thought. The positioning of the fingers as well as the firmness of their grasp is telling. Excessive shaking that permeates throughout the palms and into the fingers occurs during high stress situations. A person may be so nervous; their hands begin to shake uncontrollably. This also is a sign of intense hunger. The hands and fingers begin to grow unsteady, thus displaying the body's lack of food. Slight trembles can also occur when a person is being caught in a lie or confronted for a mistake. They may be so angry that the shakes are their way of expressing that anger. We use our hands to describe the size and stature of certain things. Much like the arms, they are used to accentuate the gravity of a story, describe the weightiness of a subject, and even demonstrate movement. They are our primary way of gesturing, and they can add great excitement to a story or a conversation. When working together with the arms, the hands can be a great indicator of a person’s confidence. Touching creates a sense of warmth and community that connects people together. When analyzed carefully, the movement of the hands and arms can tell us key clues about a person's disposition. Now you know how to read people like a book. Your life will become so much easier now that you have finished this book and learned the critical life skill of reading other people. You can become a better person by knowing how to read people. Reading people allows you to develop empathy. You can tell what others are feeling

and respond accordingly. Your sensitivity will make you a more responsive and caring lover, parent, friend, and family member. You can also protect yourself better from the harm of people with bad intentions. When you are able to read people, you are consequently able to spot people that will not benefit you. Before you get too far into a relationship of any nature with someone harmful, you can see what the person is about and prevent further harm from happening. When it comes to choosing a good friend or lover, you are now better able to pick people that are good for your life. You can spot those that actually care for you and have the capability of treating you well. You can pick lovers and friends that have good track records. All of these benefits are now yours. Thanks for reading

DARK NLP By David Soul

Chapter 41: Introduction To NLP Manipulation

The Origins of Dark NLP To understand Dark NLP on a theoretical level, it is first necessary to understand the ideas of NLP upon which it is based. NLP began when two individuals, Bandler and Grinder, developed a set of ideas into human behavior and how it could be influenced that came to be known as neurolinguistic programming, more commonly known as NLP. At first, the techniques were fairly unknown, but received wider exposure through the years through the work of superstars such as Tony Robbins and Derren Brown. Although more people than ever before have heard of NLP, very few know how to actually apply it.

The basic concepts of NLP came from the modeling of human behavior combined with linguistic principles taken from academics such as Noam Chomsky. These two central influences are combined into a set of formal principles into the motivations of humans and how these can be influenced and modeled. One of the founders of NLP has summarized its area of focus as formalizing the concepts and principles which drive human behavior.

NLP has three main areas through which its ideas are filtered - subjectivity, consciousness and learning. NLP teaches that there is no absolute, objective understanding of the world around us, yet instead every individual forms their own personal picture of the world which consists of the data taken in through the five senses as well as the language the person learns to attach to

their sensory data. It is theorized that this combination of sensory input and descriptive language eventually leads to behaviors that are either effective according to our subjective map of the world, or maladaptive and harmful to our own aims and pursuits. One area in which NLP is relatively in agreement with mainstream psychology is its understanding of the human mind as having both a conscious and an unconscious dimension. Much of the teaching of NLP is predicated upon the belief that a lot of influence occurs at the subconscious level of human thought. People are vulnerable to being manipulated in ways they are not able to perceive. NLP sees people as behaving according to three key aspects - the ‘what’, the ‘how’ and the ‘why’. The ‘what’ focuses on the external behavior and physiology a person exhibits in a given situation, the ‘how’ deals with the internal thinking patterns the person has that govern their pattern of decision making, and the ‘why’ deals with the supporting beliefs, assumptions and values that point a person in one direction rather than another. If you are able to understand the aforementioned three aspects then you are able to effectively model the complete reality of someone else’s behavior. It should be stressed that it is the internal process that is being copied which leads to the external behavior, rather than just crudely mimicking the external behavior alone. Without the accompanying internal dimensions, the behavior is likely to come off as insincere and phony. NLP advocates going beyond passively accepting the various factors that compromise a person’s behavior. Instead, it advocates actively exploring and manipulating the variables at hand in order to understand the

relationship between each, and which are essential to achieve the desired result. There is a clear contrast between the NLP model of understanding behaviors and the traditional view. Traditionally, people acquire a new behavior by acquiring one piece of a skill at a time, until they add up to form the entire behavior. NLP instead focuses on doing things the opposite way, meaning the person is initially presented with all of the components of a behavior at once, and then proceeds to subtract various parts until they are left with only the essential aspects. This process of simplifying behaviors and reducing them to only their crucial aspects is similar to business processes which aim to map out a series of steps and identify which are essential and which are not. In this sense, the process of refining behaviors through the application of NLP can be seen as a means of ensuring personal efficiency. NLP also concerns itself with the question of finding the difference between two types of people within any given field - those that succeed and those who do not. Success modeling seeks to find exactly what previously successful people did in contrast from someone who failed in the same area of life. Did they think about the problem differently? Did they perceive decisions differently? Was there some behavioral habit that helped to make the difference to their results? The main outlook of NLP can therefore be summarized as identifying and simplifying the factors that lead to success in a given situation as a simple process model. When this model has been identified and simplified it can be applied to gain drastic results in a short period of time. This is because the years of experience that have lead to successful people doing things a certain way can be quickly and painlessly adopted by anyone willing.

This above understanding of NLP is essential to understanding Dark NLP but it is only half of the equation. Equally important is the understanding of the dark psychological principles through which the traditional NLP outlook on human behavior is filtered. This unique system is able to combine the unfiltered truth of dark psychological insight with the manipulative efficiency of NLP to make a truly unique model of understanding. So what are the main dark psychological concepts which bear influence upon NLP? One of the key ideas informing Dark NLP is that human beings lack any concrete identity and are therefore susceptible to the influence of others, for better or for worse. Traditional NLP takes this understanding of identity as being fluid and uses it as a basis for therapists to help people overcome the major roadblocks that are holding them back in life. According to Dark NLP, on the other hand, this fluidity of identity means that a person can be manipulated into behaving according to the will of others. This potential for malicious influence is evidenced by the people who fall under the spell of dark forces such as cults or extreme ideologies. Dark psychology also understands that human beings are less in control of their own will than they tend to believe. When asked, the majority of people will report being almost entirely in control of their own thought processes, and state that they would not obey an instruction that goes against their own free will. One classic experiment in psychology that has directly influenced the concepts of dark psychology shatters this misconception. In the famous Milgram experiment, volunteers were told to administer electric shocks who gave a wrong answer during a learning test. The majority of those

being told to administer the shocks continued to do so even when they could hear the supposed screams of the person being punished.

This experiment shows that people have an inherent obedience to authority and less free will than they tend to assume. Similarly, the famous Zimbardo experiment offers an insight into another aspect that underpins dark psychology, which is the willingness of human beings to assume behaviors based upon their role in any given situation. In Zimbardo’s experiment, participants were divided at random into either prison guards or prisoners. Those who received the role of prison guard became increasingly willing to carry out acts of cruelty and abuses of power as the experiment went on.

When taken together, Milgram and Zimbardo’s experiments offer the following concepts, which are core principles behind dark psychology people can be easily led and behaviors can be influenced in numerous ways. This realization is too disturbing for most people so they choose not to believe it, despite the evidence that shows it to be true. The minority of people who are willing to exploit these ideas are therefore uniquely situated to take advantage of the naive masses for their own ends. Another key idea behind dark psychology is that of ‘priming’. Priming states that people can be influenced by a variety of factors outside of their perception into behaving in a certain way. For example, the choice of language that is used when speaking to a person has been shown to

influence the speed at which they move afterwards. Furthermore, words that sound similar to other words can be used to subliminally plant ideas into a person’s mind without them being aware that any such thing has taken place. This is one of the techniques used by hypnotists such as Derren Brown to make people do things without understanding why.

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Dark psychology also exploits the tendency of human beings to be susceptible to a majority opinion, even when this influence goes against their own rationality and perception. This was evidenced by a series of experiments by researcher Asch, who found that subjects changed their own ideas about when influenced by a group majority. This concept of majority influence is often used by groups with extremist ideologies to brainwash those they wish to influence. When a person is surrounded by people espousing certain views and opinions, they end up not only genuinely

believing what they have heard, but feeling as if they have done so under their own free will.

A Willingness to Accept As the best psychological researchers will tell you, a key part of successful research is being able to accept what the evidence shows you, rather than seeking to confirm preconceived theories. This concept applies to your individual pursuit of Dark NLP as well, since you have to be willing to accept that what works, works. It may not look the way you hoped and you may not like what it tells you about people. The willingness to accept also extends to the times you will be required to look at yourself and the choices you have made. There is no point in shying away from seeing things as brutally honestly as possible. This book will repeatedly emphasize the need to move away from judging yourself and instead always seeking to learn from yourself. The requirement to look inward with total honesty and accept what you see is simultaneously the hardest and most impactful aspect of your Dark NLP progress. It is an ability which will allow you to move through life with a solid, unflinching grounding in reality. When you learn to avoid fearing the truth, you come to realize that nothing in life need faze you anymore.

Find Your Reasons No one can tell you what the process of learning, implementing and mastering the techniques of Dark NLP will mean for you. If you have the willpower to pay attention to the teachings of this book and interpret what they mean for your life, then you need to have a firm motivation for acting. It is important to approach this personal motivation from two angles - the things in life you are moving away from, and the things in life you are moving toward. Some examples of the things in life you may be moving away from by using Dark NLP include feeling powerless in social situations, frustration and lack of options in your romantic life, feelings directionless and meandering through life, and doubts about your ability to achieve the life of your dreams. Some of the things you may be seeking to move towards by studying Dark NLP include a greater sense of power, a clearer sense of your values and drives in life, a means of figuring out the people around you and the things that cause them to behave the way they do, and a general sense of power and control in any situation life puts you in. It is important to have a clear sense of the most important aspects you are moving away from and moving toward. Having just one or the other is not enough. There are times when you will feel more motivated by the things you are seeking to escape, and other times when you will be more encouraged to pursue a desired future state of affairs. By having a firm sense of both objectives, you are helping to ensure that your motivation remains present at all times.

There is no such thing as a worthy or unworthy aim for using Dark NLP since whatever matters to you is sufficient. Your aims and intentions don’t have to meet any external standard - as long as they mean something to you, they will be sufficiently motivational to boost your chances of taking action and succeeding in this area of life. There is no escaping the fact that there will be tests to your resolve as you attempt to learn, implement and improve this new skill set. You will have times where your instinct is to retreat into your old way of doing things as it is comfortable and familiar to you. By learning to reframe times such as these as an inevitable and important part of your development, you will come to embrace rather than fear them.

Kill These Illusions In order to take on board act upon the ideas of Dark NLP, it is first essential to rid yourself of many misconceptions and limiting beliefs you may have. A limiting belief, in this context, is any viewpoint you have which holds you back from applying the ideas of Dark NLP to your own life. So what are some of the most common misconceptions you may have and how do you overcome them? One of the most common problems holding people back from taking a greater amount of influence over their life is the belief that it is somehow immoral or wrong to do so. This often stems from the environment in which a person has grown up. If you have grown up in a home where things are done very passively, and being assertive is frowned upon, you may initially find it difficult to begin taking a greater degree of control over your own life. You can overcome this misconception by continually reminding yourself of both the frustrations that you are currently experiencing in life as a result of not being assertive, and the many benefits and good feelings you will experience after taking control of the various parts of your life where you are currently unsatisfied. You may also have the mistaken understanding that a person’s behavior is equivalent to their identity. For example, you might identify yourself as a shy person, rather than a person who is currently exhibiting shy behaviors. This may sound like an unimportant distinction, but in reality it is anything but. When someone makes their behaviors equivalent to their identity, it makes the behaviors far harder to either remove or change. This is because to do so, such a person would feel as if they were betraying their core

identity. If, on the other hand, a person is able to recognize that their behaviors do not define them, and that by changing their behaviors they are not betraying their sense of self, then it is easier to make radical changes within such a person’s life. Many people also have a misconception about the value of various resources in life. For example, many people think that money is the ultimate objective in life, whereas it should instead be viewed as a tool that can be used to gain other things such as freedom and security. A key understanding that people must attain in their pursuit of Dark NLP prowess is that the only truly finite resource is time. We can always make more money but we can never recover even a second of our lives. For this reason, those who understand the ideas of Dark NLP are focused on being ruthless and efficient as they understand that time is the only thing they will never get back. Seeing the path of your life as fixed or immovable is another common obstacle people have when attempting to learn and apply Dark NLP. This often stems from a belief in fate or destiny. Dark NLP, on the other hand, states that nothing is set in stone and everything is subject to a range of influences in life. If you believe in destiny or fate, it is important to try to shift your understanding in favor of the view that we can change and alter the events of our life. Without this belief, your efforts to exert influence will be empty and ineffectual. We are unable to influence ourselves, or those around us, until we truly believe that we are able to.

Chapter 42: Mind control with NLP for love and relationships The whole point of seduction is to make someone want you. The motive is usually to cause someone to become sexually attracted to you. Seduction is one of the most powerful persuasion techniques because you are persuading someone to give their entire selves to you. There are multiple seduction tips and techniques that you can use. No matter who you are or who the person is who you are trying to seduce, these methods will work. What is ideal about them is that they do not require much preparation, so you can really start using them right now.

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Choose the Right Person You can seduce anyone, but you will put in less effort when you choose wisely. Look for a person who tends to be shy and reserved. They tend to be more vulnerable and in need of a person’s attention. When you start giving them attention, it is easy to seduce them to take it to the next level.

Send Mixed Signals This is a seduction technique that is as old as time. People feel challenged when they are getting mixed signals. A challenge automatically makes a person more interested in winning the prize, which in this case is you.

Create a Need Make it to where the person you are trying to seduce feels like they need you. You can make this need purely sexual or make it deeper than that. When you create a need, it creates feeling of discontent and anxiety, both of which are more likely to make a person keep pursuing you.

False Sense of Security When a person feels secure with you, this automatically creates a bond. This makes it easier to persuade them to give you what you want. This security is false, but by the time they figure this out, you will have what you have wanted.

Make Yourself Desirable People do not like to lose. They do not like seeing other people with a person they are interested in. Once you hook someone, force them to see you with other people who also are interested in you. This creates an uneasiness that forces them to make their move because they will fear that they will lose you.

Create Temptation No one likes to be tempted to something and then not be able to have it. This is true for everything from food, to career to romantic relationships. When you tempt the person, but then stop them once they are on the edge, this essentially drives them crazy. When a person is in this frame of mind, you can pretty much get whatever it is that you want.

Utilize Suspense You want to give them some attention, but not your full attention. Just like when you create temptation, this is going to put them into a hypercompetitive state. You are going to be the only person that they think about. Their thoughts of you are going to filter into all elements of their lives. This is what you want, because at this stage, you have full control.

Be Mysterious People love mystery. It draws them in and they want to do everything that they can to solve it. When you create mystery, you will naturally seduce those that become curious. The key is to give some information but hold back the juiciest details. Now, the mystery can be about anything really. However, avoid talking about an ex since this can have the opposite effect on someone you are trying to seduce. Other ways to add mystery include good eye contact, putting the attention back on them when they ask questions, smiling a lot and always speaking in a neutral tone.

Subtly Make Yourself Stand Out You do not want it to be obvious that you are trying to get their attention. Instead, you want it to seem like you stand out just because of who you are. For example, women can wear red lipstick because this is not uncommon, but it still makes you stand out. Men can have the same effect with a bright or patterned tie. The key is to choose one small element that will make you stand out against the crowd that is relatively natural.

Utilize Scents Did you know that the scent of a person can be all that it takes to attract another person? Now, all people have their own preferred scents, so it is a good idea to get to know a bit about the person and their preferences before you use this technique. Scent has a subconscious type of influence. It gives people information about another person without them even realizing it, so it is one of the subtlest and effective ways to up your seduction progress.

Be Mindful of Your Assets Physical attraction is obviously a major element when it comes to seduction. However, you do not want to show off all of the goods because this can have a negative effect. For example, men with strong arms might wear a short-sleeved shirt. This way the person they are trying to seduce can see this asset without it being too obvious that they are trying to show off. Women might wear a form-fitting dress that hits below the knee and covers the chest well. In this case, you are covered, but the person you are trying to seduce can still see your full figure.

Confuse Them One time you see them, give them all of your attention, but the next, and only give them partial attention. This confusion ups their thinking of you and it makes you more mysterious and desirable. Just make sure that there is a good balance here or else you might actually turn the other person off.

Be Bold Once you are ready to go in for the kill, you want to be bold. You have already hooked them at this point and they are yours to do with as you please. So, there is no reason to wait for them to make a move. Just grab the moment and make it known what you want.

Chapter 43: Framing and Some Commonly Used Frames in NLP Conversational hypnosis is a way to consciously manipulate your subject without all the theatrics and drama of traditional hypnosis. So yes, it is yet another covert method of manipulation in which, if done correctly, the subject will have no awareness of the manipulation taking place. In order to successfully deploy conversational hypnosis and use it to your advantage, you will need to learn about a concept called framing.

What are Frames in Hypnosis? To put it in base terms, frames are context. Frames are used every day in casual conversation but only the skilled manipulators and dark NLP practitioners use them to any avail. When you are talking to anyone about anything there is a frame around that conversation – a context. Frames usually come from a person’s personal beliefs, how they view themselves and how they view the world. To put it another way, frames are in fact how we view the world or a certain topic. In hypnosis, we use these contexts to shape the thoughts and opinions of our subjects. Frames are a way to control the conversations and their outcomes. For example: you are having a conversation with your friend about giving change to the homeless. Your friend says something to the effect of “I don’t do it because they just buy booze.” To which you reply and change the frame of the conversation by stating, “Most homeless are veterans who fought for our country.” By painting an occurrence (giving change to the homeless) in another light (homeless are veterans) you have changed the frame of the conversation and cast doubt on a person’s beliefs - a simple yet powerful way to manipulate.

Four Frames you Can Manipulate Now that you have an idea of what a conversational frame is you can learn about the 4 different frames. These four frames can all be used to manipulate your subject. They consist of the preframe, maintaining frame, reframe and the deframe. Maintaining your frame is all about being an immovable object. Maintaining a frame means not letting anyone else change a given frame. If you want to keep a frame or context in a conversation and not let it be shifted you have to give no credit to anyone else’s frame. You can do this by maintaining intent eye contact without reacting to the words or suggestions of the subject. Say you are ordering food with your subject and they mention that they feel like chicken. Without skipping a beat you look them dead in the eye and say “The turkey here is marvelous.” By not acknowledging anything they said about chicken and giving a direct and intent statement about the turkey you have maintained the frame on turkey being favorable. Preframing involves careful consideration of all outcomes. If you want a person to walk out on their boyfriend you can preframe by first thinking what it would take for a woman to walk out on their boyfriend. Maybe the boyfriend cheated. Preframing will make it so the subject thinks there is no other logical explanation for their boyfriend’s behavior other than he cheated. Reframing involves shifting a person’s frame on a given subject altogether. This is done by presenting an alternate view of whatever the subject is.

Bringing up positive things (true or not) about something your subject views negatively can be an effective way to reframe. Deframing is used when someone is challenging a frame you are trying to impose. In it, instead of defending your frame or stance, you will answer their challenge with a challenge to their frame. This flips the table and pts the subject back on the defense where they ought to be.

Figure 1 illustrates the roles frames and framing play in the dynamics of conflict development. It demonstrates how a frame change (or reframing) may cause a shift in conflict development, towards conflict management and/or resolution. Types of frame categories are numerous and coined differently by researchers in various fields. The categories cited in this diagram are: substance (reframing that affects how one views the world today or potential future states of the world), process (reframing that affects how one interacts with others in the dispute), values (reframing that allows parties to clarify the relationship between values and interests for both themselves and for other parties), and phrasing (the language used by disputants to communicate with one other).

How to Maintain your Frame in Conversational Hypnosis Maintaining a frame can be difficult for some people because it can mean exuding a lot of charisma and confidence. This is why eye-contact practice is so important because steady and intent eye-contact is one of the most effective ways to maintain frame. When someone is not breaking their gaze with you while speaking, that act alone puts a heavier weight on their words. In addition to eye-contact, a self-confidence that what you are saying is the most important truth currently being discussed helps tremendously. You don’t have to interrupt a person when they are speaking. Let them talk and when they are done, simply keep going on your frame as if they never said anything. Let’s take a look at how one might maintain their frame. In the following example, the manipulator is “A” and the subject is “B.” A: Nothing in this world is better than making love B: What about family and friends? A: Making love is what connects us to truly being human and is therefore indispensable B: I’m not sure if that’s true A: Making love is the only pure thing in the world. It’s grand, it’s holy, it’s ancient it’s godly B: I think helping others is all of those things

A: Nothing in this world is better than making love You see how “A” never even considered B’s assertions and did not answer B’s question. It was almost like A was having a conversation with his or herself. A was preoccupied with his/her belief because they had supreme confidence in it as the most important truth. Therefore, they could not be veered away from it. The goal of maintaining frame is to present your frame so confidently that the subject has no choice but to question their own beliefs in the incessant light of your own.

How to Use Preframing in Conversational Hypnosis Preframing is like priming a subject to bend to your will. Reframing involves carefully considering the potential doubts and objections that a subject will have with your own frame or will. The idea is to get their minds set on something other than their true objections. Say you want to get a black refrigerator for your home but you know that your roommate wants a silver one. You can preframe your roommate by mentioning that the silver fridge they want doesn’t have enough storage space even if you know it does. Bombard them with all the things they won’t be able to store in the silver one; watermelons, whole chickens, meal prep Tupperware, soda, beer, blocks of cheese, gallons of milk. This gets their minds on the non-existent problem of the silver fridge not having enough storage space. Then you can implant the idea of the black fridge. The color of the fridge is not so much of a problem anymore now that their mind is going off on a tangent of storage capacity rather than color. The key to preframing is knowing what your subject’s frame is. You will need to know what they are concerned about, what their doubts are and what they believe to be true. Then you have to counter these beliefs and worries by replacing them with others. The original worry or concern needs to get lost for a bit while you implant your will.

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Hypnosis Reframing is essentially changing a person’s mind about something. It is all about getting a subject to see something in a different light. We can do this by attaching new meaning to something that already has a set meaning in a person’s mind. The first step in reframing someone is to know exactly how they feel about a certain topic. The next step is to either cast doubt on that belief or to present that belief in a new light. The final step in reframing is to reinforce this new perspective. Let’s say for instance that your subject hates the idea of going to the dentist. You know that they hate the dentist which is essentially the first step in reframing but it helps to know exactly why they hate the dentist. What is it about the dentist that makes your subject cringe? Do they have any bad past experiences with the dentist? These are questions you may want to have answered as they will help you reframe. Assume that you know that the drills dentists use are why your subject doesn’t like going. So the conversation may go something like this: “I hate the dentist” “You know there are a lot of people in other countries who would kill to go to the dentist” “I know but I can’t stand the drills” “Most dentists use modern drills that get the job done much more quickly and quietly and with no pain”

“I just still don’t like going” “You know dentists these days are trained specifically to ease the tensions of their patients. Regular dental visits are the only thing that will help you keep your teeth healthy and good-looking too” “That seems good” In this example you are shedding a new light and perspective on going to the dentist. You mention underprivileged people and modern dental techniques to shed a new light. Then you reinforce the idea by mentioning the health and appearance of the subject’s teeth. After running through all the steps of reframing (being familiar with the fears of the subject, shedding a new light on that fear and driving the point home) the subject relents and starts to shift their thinking. The stuff about the drills and the training may not even be true!

How to Use Deframing in Conversational Hypnosis Deframing is getting a person to do what you want by challenging their own frame instead of just trying to change or alter it. Like frame maintaining it involves instilling a seed of doubt in your subject’s head but unlike frame maintaining you use challenges instead of sheer, unwavering confidence. Deframing can be used in conversational hypnosis especially if someone is questioning your own frame. The first step in deframing is to not answer the call to defend your frame. Ignore the questioning like you did when you were working on frame maintaining. The second step is simply to question why it is that the subject believes what they believe. It is important to not question the reason they are challenging you because this would be an acknowledgement of that line of questioning. We don’t want to do that. Remember the goal is to ignore the challenge outright so don’t even acknowledge it. Instead, go back to their base frame of belief and challenge that. This tactic takes some gumption and fortitude. You will have to be persistent because the more you question their core beliefs the more they will be on the defensive and start to question them themselves. Let’s say you don’t recycle and your friend does. The conversation would go: “You don’t recycle because you don’t care about the earth” “Why is it that you recycle?” At this point you have disregarded the subject’s invitation to debate their accusation that you don’t care about the earth and have successfully

executed the first step in deframing. “Because unlike you, I care about our planet” “Do you really care about the planet?” Here you have executed step 2. You have successfully taken yourself out of the hot seat and put your subject on the defensive. Now they are answering your questions instead of the other way around. Then, by asking if they really care about the planet, you have questioned their core beliefs. “Of course I do” “Do you really, or do you just recycle to make it seem like you care?” Now you have your subject on the ropes. They are answering your questions and have completely given up on interrogating you as to why you don’t recycle. You can go on and on with this vein of questioning until your subject begins to question themselves. You have successfully deframed them. You have the upper hand. You are in the driver’s seat and you have taken control of the conversation and possibly even changed what the subject believes.

Chapter 44: NLP applications Neurolinguistic Programming, or NLP, is a behavioral modification method used by psychologists, doctors, hypnotherapists, and general counselors. Neurolinguistic programming was invented and introduced in the 1970s and remained a popular, complementary tool to initiate positive, personal change. Neurolinguistic

programming

is

a

psychological

approach

to

communication and personal development that focuses on the relationship between mind and language, and how this link affects our body and behavior. This includes the use of directed visualizations along with specific language practices to facilitate positive change from within. For years, NLP reports have been various and included everything from improved memory and concentration, weight loss, deception detecting, and reduced anxiety. A few experiments have been effective in supporting these arguments, indicating that the NLP may be a valuable complementary solution for some individuals.

It encourages comprehension Training can be challenging, so getting frustrated will make it even harder. One study found that NLP may help improve self-esteem in children with dyslexia by helping to provide a deeper sense of calm and a lower level of anxiety–possibly affecting learning capabilities. Experts conclude that further analysis is required, particularly for those with ADD / ADHD.

Helps you get through the bad habits One of the best ways to get rid of a bad habit is to replace it with a new, good habit. The NLP was one of the most sought-after ways of helping people do just that. Because NLP has no risk of side effects, it's a great tool that anyone can have in their arsenal to fight bad behaviors like junk food or put off exercise. Throughout psychology, the name of the Shadow (based on Carl Jung's theories) is granted to the dimension of our own existence. This Shadow is our dark impulses, our so-called "dark side "-a hidden part of our self that we usually do not want to show to ourselves. We may not be aware of this aspect-we may even be afraid to confront it. But it's better to embrace our dark side for the following benefits. You can use your creativity and imagination to understand the disowned aspect of your own personality — certain activities to explore the Shadow focus on drawing, mind mapping, and the like. Creating connections with our artistic side will strengthen our link to the hidden part within all of us. You can heal any relationship with regard to having more honest self-examination and a direct kind of communication. Since certain relationships are damaged by hidden grudges, the more we see what we hide, the more we can understand those relationships that are simply broken or ended without any apparent reason. You should understand what you are "projecting" to others, which then influences some of our views about other individuals. We all tend to see what we expect from ourselves in others. So instead of actually understanding the other, we make "theories" about what the other is like, based on what we know from us. Nearly immediately, one would tend to think and say, "What am I supposed to do if I was him or her?" This is a really good question if one is mindful that he or she is thinking, and does not use consideration to evaluate someone's behavior or feelings rashly. You will get to be released from the guilt and shame that comes from our negative feelings and, of course, our bad actions. Indeed, we can see why there is a real psychological benefit

to the Catholic practice of confession. In all possible good aspects, we need to discuss our battle with our evil urges to be safe from them. You should defuse those negative emotions that come as shocking as you go about your daily routine. We need to be reconciled with negative events and circumstances that suddenly hopeless us. At the end of the day, you can achieve true self-acceptance, a complete kind of selfknowledge-of who you are, and who you can be.

How Well Do You Recognize About Your Dark Side We all have a dark side-a shadow in terms of Jungian psychology. This aspect of self has the dark impulses, the hurtful inclination within us. It's a good thing to know this hidden part of the self. So here are the symptoms, if you really know your dark side well. You know how your criticisms, judgments, and anger towards others reflect your own weaknesses. The psychological defense process called projection, in fact, affects how we speak of others. Often we assign to them qualities that are, in reality, our own weaknesses. You realize that there is sorrow, misery, and suffering in the world. Recognizing the bad around us will help us to understand that there is darkness inside us as well. You recognize that sometimes your words or actions can convey fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety are certain emotions that are conveyed either by the body or by terms such as when the pulse is racing up. You recognize that sometimes your words or actions that convey jealousy and envy. Jealousy and envy are rooted in selfishness, a selfishness that is hard to root out. You realize there are moments that the words or actions reflect arrogance and corruption. Covetousness and greed stem from our attachment to the material and temporal things of this world. You know that there are times when your words express contempt and disdain. Contempt and hate for others are born out of rage and hatred-fruits of not being able to handle resentment in a positive way. You are well conscious of your fears and anxieties. You know your feelings of jealousy and envy. You know your feelings of greed. You're aware of your feelings of anger. Being aware of this kind of feeling can make you understand certain actions (including saying something) that you find involuntary. Often, we don't intend hurting people, but deep down, these emotions are still there, and unintentionally, we hurt people. It is best to be aware of these negative feelings and then treats them through psychotherapy.

Understanding the dark side encourages and empowers you to make such life-changing changes. You can now learn what sets you off, and you can start adapting accordingly. You should steer clear of risk and other attractions. Of note, pressure does not disappear completely, but you are no longer unprepared to deal with certain circumstances.

Chapter 45: NLP Exercises There are many different ways that you can get people to follow your lead, to submit to you, or simply to sympathize with your cause and your feelings. Although there are many ways to force someone’s hand by using much more direct tactics, there are numerous ways you can get someone on your side simply by being a kind person or by persuading them. One of the best tools that is always at your disposal is the understanding of social cues and body language. If you’re neurotypical, meaning you don’t fall on the autism spectrum in any capacity, you probably have at least some basic foundation of what different social cues mean, and you have an understanding of different forms of body language from the people you’ve seen over the years of your life. For example, we know that we’re less likely to approach someone who is curled up and has their arms crossed than someone who has their arms loose at their sides and physically looks more open. Even though we were never consciously taught this and never went out of our way to learn it, we just know it because it’s a part of basic body language that we understand as a human. Additionally, by watching the people around us make these signals with their bodies and by being able to connect those signals to the emotional state of those people, we’re able to quickly pick up on this unwritten and unspoken language and we become part of that system. We pick up specific body language from people around us in addition to the wider understood bits of body language such as the position of the arms and general posture. Where we generally understand that, as a whole, people who hunch over and keep their head down are more likely to be shy or cut off from socializing, we might pick up on more

specific body language from our friends and family, like certain nervous tendencies. These things aren’t genetic and we don’t inherit them, but we pick them up from unconsciously observing these tendencies in people that we spend childhood with or that we spend a lot of our day with. If our mother twiddled her thumbs when she was nervous throughout most of our childhood, we’re then much more likely to be someone who does the same thing when we’re feeling anxious. We can apply the understanding we have of the general public and the understanding we have of our own body language when we want to better understand other people who we want to read. When we can read people by their body language, we have a much better chance of understanding the kind of person they are, and we then have a better, clearer idea of what they want out of an endeavor they’re going into. If you’re in a meeting with a person and you’re about to enter a period of negotiation, pay close attention to the general look of their posture before you look more closely at anything else. Do they appear slouched? How straight are they sitting or standing up? Are they making direct eye contact, and how consistent is that eye contact? Are they looking down their nose at you, or are they looking up at you? These are the main questions to ask before you ask anything else when it comes to determining a person’s general disposition in a conversation. If the person is generally slouchy, they might be apathetic or depressed over something. They also might not be taking the conversation seriously. This depends on other parts of the way they’re holding themselves, like their chin. If they hold their chin up, they’re generally confident people who hold themselves in high regard. If they hold their chin lower, they might be more prone to submit to the ideas of others and are more likely to be

peacemaking and cooperative. Based on other hints about their posture and general body position, you can make educated guesses as to whether they’re more submissive and dominant when it comes to negotiation. If they look as though they’ll be more submissive, it might be more of a safe bet to play hardball with them and use harsher tactics in order to get what you want out of them. This works especially well if you’re able to determine if the person is generally low in experience. If they have a lot of experience, even more than you might, in the field of discussion and negotiation, it’s a better idea to drop out of fear tactics or intimidation because they might be able to turn the tables on you. If they’re more experienced than you in a subject or they’re simply much more confident, it’s a better idea to try and get their sympathy for your perspective instead of trying to force them to see things your way. Instead of trying to force your views onto them, try and connect to their sense of camaraderie by finding common ground. The way we connect to people’s empathy is one of the keys to the hearts of anyone who you need to connect with emotionally. If you can find anything that you and the other person/people can bond over, you can work at them from the angle of someone who has shared in their experiences. When you’ve shared an experience with someone, or you feel that you have, you’re extremely likely to listen to their point of view fairly before someone who you feel you don’t have anything in common with. Being able to find the smallest thing you have in common with someone else, and build on top of it until it feels like you could be friends with that person, is one of the quickest but most pleasant ways you can get someone on your side of an argument quickly. If you’re able to quickly look at people and make a general but accurate judgment of their person, you have a golden ticket into making sure you win arguments that way, get the most out of meetings that way, and

maximize your benefits in negotiations or compromises that way. This is known by many people as being able to “speed-read” people, or get a very fast but very accurate idea of their personality type, their current emotional state, and how approachable they likely are given that information. When you want to speed-read someone this way, give their chin and body as a whole a quick once-over. Reassess their posture and how slouched they are. Remember that more slouched means more casual or more anxious depending on other clues you might be in on, and more straightened means more formal or more anxious, depending on the rest of their body. In addition to their body and posture as a whole, pay close attention to the way they hold their arms. If they hold their arms in front of their body whenever possible, they’re probably going on the defensive for whatever reason they have to do so. Someone who crosses their arms and keeps them in that position is more likely to be defensive and more aggressive when they feel cornered. The arms are a very physical direct window from other people to the body, so the way that an individual holds their arms can be very telling when it comes to their confidence and their aggressiveness or passiveness. If someone tends to cross and uncross their arms very often, or they can’t seem to keep their arms in one stable position, they’re more prone to be very anxious people. Movement of the arms in a nervous tendency in general, but moving the arms around, in particular, is telling of someone who is anxious about others and aware that people might be watching them or observing them. Someone who normally keeps their arms to their side; however, it less likely to be aggressive and is much more likely to be a more socially open or friendly person. This person is more likely to trust others easily and confide in others about important topics.

Always be careful of intentional versus “fluke” body signals when trying to quickly read someone. Someone crossing their arms can be intentional, or it can be a sign of casual behavior or feeling comfortable in the space. Some people fold their arms as a sign of feeling casual, and some don’t. Always be mindful of other signals coming from other parts of the body when you look at smaller parts like the arms. Similarly, there are reasons besides anxiety or apathy that someone might slouch. When you read people for their body language, make sure you’re paying attention to all parts of their body so that you can put together their body language like a puzzle. Someone who has their arms folded might be leaned back, legs apart, and speaking in a calm and casual way. In this example, the signals don’t add up to build the narrative that this person is anxious only based on one example of small body language. The many smaller parts of the body all work together in order to tell a story of an emotion or feeling that someone is participating in. The many different parts can be broken down to tell a more specific story, but always pay attention to the entirety of the form before you look at smaller sections. After a bit of practice in this area, it becomes easier and easier to tell the difference between different emotions and how they’re portrayed on different people. By honing your skills in this area, you can prepare yourself for many different kinds of reactions from people based on their emotions, and you can prepare accordingly. You would need to prepare much differently for someone who is more aggressive than someone who tends to be more welcoming and open socially. Because you can perceive the emotions of others, you can save everyone time and energy in the process. This is just one of the many tools you have at your disposal which you can quickly develop in order to manipulate and persuade people to your side of a negotiation or argument.

The mindset that you have when you go into a potential conflict, or any situation which requires social connection, can have a massive influence on the turnout of that social connection. This mindset you have going into a conflict, argument, negotiation, or other event, can ultimately determine the outcome of that conflict or negotiation. If you go into an event with the mindset of someone who isn’t looking to make positive connections or make friends, this is the most likely result. Whether you become consciously aware of it or not, your mindset and the way you think going into something will directly and immediately influence your body language. People who interact with you will pick up on those social cues and the body language that you’re putting out without even meaning to, and they’ll be able to tell that you aren’t looking for positive interaction at the time. Even if your goal is to make connections, if you don’t approach people with the focused intention to do so, you’ll probably fail in that endeavor. So, always be sure that you’re in the right headspace to ensure that any of your plans which you have going into an event or gathering can succeed to the fullest. One way you can do this is by always trying to be aware of your body and its position on some level when you’re around others. If you have a tendency to slouch, try to pick up your body when you talk to people you want to think you’re confident. When you want to appear more relaxed and casual instead of being professional, which might be perceived as uptight in some situations, be mindful of your shoulders and the stress you hold in your chest and stomach. In addition to this general stress, be mindful of the stresses which you hold in your arms, your chin or jaw area, and your neck. Doing a few minutes of light stretching before you enter an area where you have to do a lot of talking or communication can do a world of good as far as bettering your chances of making connections goes. In general, keeping a

positive mindset is the ultimate goal when it comes to making those connections that will not only start out strong but continue to be strong and grow stronger the more work you put into them. Of course, these relationships can hardly prosper on their own without you putting the proper energy and time into them in order for them to see the lightest. If you want your relationships to flourish in the way that’s most profitable for you, be aware not only of yourself and the person who you’re looking to go into that partnership or relationship with, but also have an understanding of relationships and how you can nurture them the best. The way you can nurture people and your relationships with them depend heavily on the person they are, the nature of your first meeting, and the reason for your relationship. If your connection with someone is entirely determined by business, you have boundaries that you shouldn’t cross if you want to maintain some sense of professionalism within that connection. However, you should always look to attain some common ground between you and the person you’re trying to cultivate a relationship with. If you can find a common experience that you can bond over with the other person or even just a common feeling about something you experience, you put yourself at the same level as that person. This can be especially fruitful in the relationship if there seems to be a harsh power imbalance, or the other person in the connection seems to be afraid of you or skittish around you. You can’t have a blossoming social endeavor if the person is afraid to have things in common with you, so making the first move socially and doing more work initially to establish some common ground will likely come back around to you in the long run—for instance, if you’re able to do more of the initial work to get the other person to feel the most comfortable

around you, they’re then more likely to return that favor at some point later on by giving you the benefit of the doubt during a misunderstanding or taking your side when they might otherwise not. This is the power of social bartering—an unwritten facet of the human language where there remains some barbaric kind of trading, no matter how complex or advanced trade becomes. Since bartering and trade have been introduced into society, there have always been many different ways to trade between mediums and different commodities. This is true even now, and that commodity has changed to favors. Where we might trade in more technical ways for actual items, we’ve never done much to change the way that body language and social cues transfer into the feeling of owing somebody something— whether it be a favor or “credit.”

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Chapter 46: NLP Presuppositions and Priming

Presuppositions A prosecutor sits at the table, ready to examine the witness. He stands up and asks, “Did you beat your wife that night?” What did that question do? If a person is locked into saying yes or no questions, how does a person answer without interrogating themselves? Saying “No” suggests that they beat their wife some other night. Say “Yes,” and they’re confessing. And in the jury’s mind, they hear that this man has beaten his wife. The presupposition is a powerful tool to implant thoughts into people’s mind so that they are already thinking about or owning the decisions you’re going to want them to make. A salesperson might ask someone, “When you buy this, where are you planning to put it?” He’s always presupposed the sale. He’s treating it as if the person’s already made up their mind to buy. And in doing that, often times, the person comes along on the journey with you. Presuppositions help to frame a conversation in a completely different way. Instead of trying to find out if a person is going to take action, you use presuppositions to let a person act as if they’ve already made up their mind, letting them get comfortable with the idea, and to go along with what you’re saying. This pattern of language, like all the patterns I’m going to share with you, flies under the radar of 95% of people. They listen, they hear it, they respond, and often times, they’re now falling into your framing of things, which is really the important thing to consider when we’re talking about presuppositions. When you’re using presuppositions, you need to think about what frame you’re setting for the person you’re talking to.

Presuppositions give you the power to put people exactly where you want them. But you will occasionally run into resistance. The person, who at the moment is really not looking to buy, and responds, “Well, I’m just looking right now but…” These comments can feel like a death toll for a presupposition, but, in fact, it just gives you the added opportunity to dig into the person’s mindset more. You have the opportunity to actually take what they’re saying and use it to dig deeper, to even double down on the presupposition with a statement, “Well imagine anyways, you’re buying this now, what are you hoping to do with it?” People need very little urging to put themselves into the role of actually taking action. But, once they’re there, it’s easy for them to stay there and even talk themselves into believing that they need to do that. But, is there any secret to presuppositions that you should know about? Yes, actually quite a few. Though a lot of my examples have been used with the word “when,” the first one that I mentioned was the lawyer questioning someone, there are a host of words you can use to layer your presupposition. “After” is one of the more powerful ones, though this one requires a little more rapport building and set up. It’s a future pacing presupposition, met to make them feel like the deal is done already, not just that they’re going to take action, but they have, they just need to do it first. Next, are questions like did you, could You, Would you… That Day (or Today)? Like the question the lawyer laid out, asking if the person had abused his wife on that day, it presupposes that it is something they’ve always done. These types of questions are usually reserved to sway audiences, to get other people on your side.

The presupposition is a great groundwork tool, but it’s not going to help you get to home base. It will set up a conversation, let you develop a frame, and be able to guide people to where you want them to be. Beyond everything, that’s something I want to make sure that I drive home. As powerful and unique a presupposition statement is, and how useful it can be (as you’ll see as we dive deeper and deeper into hypnotic language) it is hardly a finisher, and you’d be mistaken to use it as such. This is something that a lot of courses and books fail to put out there. They make the presupposition out to be something much bigger than it is and ignore all the power it really has, for the word trickiness of it.

Priming One of the most powerful tools you’ll ever have when it comes to hypnotic techniques is called priming. From the beginning, people have been affected by priming whether they knew it or not, and they’re lives have been run by their fear of how others have been primed to them. We call it a reputation. We worry about our reputation. We are unsure how to manage our reputation sometimes, especially when it comes to being an effective influencer. And some of us don’t have the power to really get ourselves known by the people we want to be known by before we arrive. So I’m going to show you how to prime your ideas throughout any conversation. Meaning, I’m going to show you how to make an offer or suggestion to someone so powerful they aren’t just prepared, but they’re excited to take action.

What is priming, and how does it work you’re wondering? Priming is the process of preparing someone to either experience a certain state or have a certain opinion through a series of stimuli beforehand. To put it even clearer, you influence a person before you attempt to influence them. To give an example, there was a psychological experiment done by Bargh and Pietromonaco. These two psychologists showed a group of people, either neutral words or hostile words and then read them a neutral story where a character’s behaviors could be interpreted any way the listener felt. The people who heard the hostile words gave the character of the story hostile intent. The people who heard neutral words gave the character of the story neutral intent.

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All of this was a set-up, of course, for the main experiment, in which subjects were asked to perform an impression-formation task. They read a story about a fictional character, Donald, who is depicted as engaging in a number of ambiguous behaviors, many of which could be interpreted as hostile. Then they were asked to rate Donald's personality on a series of trait adjectives. The trait ratings were then coded for negativity in general, and for hostility in particular. The subjects in the 0% condition tended to rate Donald as generally negative, but not particularly hostile. But in the

20% condition, and especially in the 80% condition, they rated Donald as hostile as well as just generally unpleasant. Bargh's interpretation of this study is that the subjects perceived the hostile trait adjectives preconsciously, and that this preconscious processing automatically activated a negative, hostile schema which then guided the interpretation of Donald's ambiguous behaviors. But the test doesn’t stop there. Priming has been a huge point of research, and one of the biggest studies ever done was helped along by Facebook. As they tested on a major scale by curating the content people see, with some people seeing more sad and depressive things and others seeing happier things, they judged people’s moods. Yeah, people who experienced more negativity had more negative moods. People who experienced happier posts had happier moods. It keeps going. Businesses bombard us with an advertisement in every format they can afford, attempting to prime us with the material to associate their products with the positive sensations hoping, in the end, to sway us to thinking of their product in a positive light and to take action and actually buy their product. Now, all that might be well and good, but you’re probably trying to figure out how the heck you’re going to use priming? You’re not Facebook, you probably don’t have hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on advertising, and you’re not a psychologist trying to come up with a new test to learn all this stuff. So how does this apply to you? The reason priming is in your hypnotic language is because you can use your language to set people up and prepare them for what you’re going to

show them so that they’re not just ready to listen to you, but they’re excited for you to get to the point. These few priming techniques that I’m going to share with you should set you up to be able to take any influencing attempts and enhance the likelihood of not just success but excitement on the part of people. The first of these priming language patterns is the anticipative statement. These are the powerhouse tools for you to get people to commit to what you’re going to say before you say them. What is an anticipative statement? Think about you having a conversation with a person you’re interested in, and you want to keep their interest. You’re sitting together, and you’re talking. You’re both learning about each other, and finding out new and interesting things. They say something that happened to them that you also have a story for. Instead of playing back and forth, you telling your story, and them telling their story, you say, “I have a great story, really interesting, you’ll love it but first keep talking, I want to hear more.” This simple statement unlocks a person’s mind to both understand your appreciation of them but also to make them anxious to finish their story so they can hear yours. Maybe you’re not trying to have a love connection. With the anticipative statement, instead of just solving the problems someone might have that your product can solve; instead, you make them excited at the potential solution. You could start by finding out what problems they have, using active listening (which we talked about in the influence section) and find out what they want and what problems they’re having.

Now, I know this isn’t revelatory. Most salespeople do this. The best is to do it differently, though. They prime people as they go, alerting them along the way as their prospect opens up to them, that they’ll show them exactly how one problem after another would be solved by the product. Finally, when they go through the product, they can focus in on the features that they previously talked about and told them to anticipate finding the most helpful so that the person they’re talking to can feel completely anticipating these showcases. This, in turn, has them commit to the product. Priming alters the way people are going to approach things, changing their frame so that they are committed and excited for what you’re going to tell them. Thus, preparing them to listen and be more receptive to what you’re going to say. Mastering priming turns everything you say into something important, interesting, and intriguing that people want to hear and are waiting to hear.

Chapter 47: Emotional States and persuasion Persuasion can be defined as being capable of persuading, and persuading is further characterized as moving through reasoning, justification, or expostulation to an opinion, position, or course of action. In a few terms, to persuade someone is to ask someone to do something. A persuasion is an art form that must be practiced by anyone who wants people to do something. It's an incredible tool to have, mainly if you're continually surrounded by people who need a little bit of prodding now and then. Deception, on the other hand, is described as an act that induces someone to assume that something false or incorrect is, in fact, authentic and valid. A deception is a form of manipulation on its own, and it is also a tool through which you can achieve your goals of persuasion. This is probably where things get as blurry as far as creed goes. Discussions have been going on for the longest time on the thin line between manipulation and persuasion. Some camps are wholly convinced of the malice of persuasion, while others believe that belief is an entirely harmless way to get what you want from people. The subject of manipulation itself is a gray area for a lot of people. Morality is subjective based on the metrics of various societies and cultures. The question of whether deception is correct or incorrect is one that should be discussed independently. That being said, there are some technical differences in convincing and manipulation. Manipulation often has a strong self-interest, while manipulation may be sought for the greater good of the entire community. Consider the case of an activist who persuades people to plant trees for the

sake of the environment. They may have to press and poke before they get the numbers to do a successful tree-planting exercise. Some people may see this as manipulation, but at the end of the day, the outcome of their efforts benefits the entire community. Persuasion frequently provides a clear and coherent justification for a particular case, while deception often includes the distortion of evidence designed to alter a person's perception of truth. Manipulation and intimidation always serve the same purpose, which is to persuade someone to do something you want them to do. The critical difference is how the players choose to deal with it: there are all the cards on the table method, which is manipulation and the secret card method of intimidation.

The Principle of Reciprocity Reciprocity is merely doing to others as you would have done to you. When you indulge in your daily interactions, exchange calls for kindness and generosity. Showing compassion to others is a positive thing that makes you feel better about your relationship. Even more than that, it's your chance to earn chips that you can cash in later. If you've been good and kind to someone else, you have a better chance of them being type and kind to you. If you are hoping to be able to convince a person, you have to behave decently towards them. Speak a kind word, do them a favor, or buy them a gift. Later, when you need to convince them to do something, they're going to be more careful. After all, you have proven yourself to be a kind human being who has a passion in his heart.

The Principle of Liking To make you look similar to the person you're hoping to convince, you need to find common ground with them. For example, many foreigners have learned that learning and speaking the local language is the easiest way to become more likable. The other thing you need to be mindful of when you're making yourself more likable is flattery. If you use it right, Flattery will open many doors for you. We like people who pay attention to them. If you want to persuade someone to do something for you, start by paying them a genuine compliment. Just because it's called flattery doesn't mean you're going to have to be effusive. Being too excessive in your praise is going to be counter-productive to your need to be liked. Last but not least, be the kind of guy who is generally kind and helpful towards reaching mutual goals, and you'll be one step closer to being likable. If you always step on the other people's toes to get what you want, you're going to have very few friends, and that won't help your case when you need to convince someone in the future. Also, being kind and friendly does not mean being a doormat. Sometimes, it just means making a little effort to help a person achieve a goal that is significant to them. For example, if a colleague is struggling with a proper report, offer to help with printing and mailing. It's not a lot of work, but you're going from a non-involved, non-descript colleague to a kind and compassionate colleague. Afterward, you can cash this chip if you wish.

The Theory of Authority A person who is an authority figure in a particular field will have an easier time to control others when opposed to a total newbie. If you want to convince more people to do something, you need to build your reputation by making yourself look like you have experience in whatever area you play in. This is a crucial reason why professionals show their diplomas in their industry. Think about it—-when you're going to the therapist's office, for example, you're likely to consciously lookout for the kind of credential they've hung on their walls. If your therapist has a lot of evidence, you're likely to feel a sense of comfort in their expertise and experience. As such, any advice they send to you will be quickly accepted and followed by you. In essence, the therapist has managed to influence you without even saying a word. It is a fact that your voice will not be taken very seriously if you are the only one to think about it. As such, you must ensure that you hire others to beat the drums on your behalf. There are subtle ways to do this. In the office, you can identify a field that you're passionate about and become an office guru in that field. This may be the field of Microsoft Excel or reporting for some people. The man who's known as the Excel Guru Office will have an easier time getting things from people because they already know what he's talking about. He has also proven himself likable and helpful in solving all of his Excel challenges, and his friends will want to pay him back anyway. You don't need to learn Excel to make your mark on the world. There are many other areas in which you can shine and view yourself as an authority figure.

The Scarcity Theory In economics, the rules of demand and supply are simple and straightforward: when the amount is low, and demand is high, prices rise. Scarcity creates interest in explaining this. If you are a business person who wants to convince people to buy your product or service, it helps to point out that the product is only on offer for a limited amount of time. Besides, let your customers know that they will lose significantly if they do not have timely access to this product. When the marketing message is packed that way, more people will rush to beat the time limit on your product. It is necessary to become a scarce commodity yourself in the world of business and personal relationships. If you're always available to everyone every time they need you, you're going to lose your value quickly. You have to learn the art of being inaccessible and unavailable if you want to retain the air of mystery and influence around you. When you finally show up, your word will be revered more than the concept of a person who is continuously showing up and speaking out of any relevance and value.

The Principle of Consensus In day-to-day interactions, people look to others who are similar to them for advice on what to do or say. A person who is a right influencer understands that it takes only one person to buy into their idea, and the whole crowd will. There are several ways in which you can apply the principle of consensus to your benefit. In an office setting, for example, you can get a section of staff to agree to the cause and champion that causes their colleagues. These coworkers are more likely to be persuaded that the reason is worthwhile if their superiors have said so. If you've ever bought anything from Amazon, you might have seen that it includes a section that shows the other items purchased by customers who ordered the product you just bought. Why do you think this is the case, and what effect does that segment have on you as a buyer? More often than not, you're likely to consider buying those other items because those customers, who have similar tastes and needs, bought it from you. You may not have originally planned to purchase additional products, but just the fact that others did it will make you think you need to. This is, in effect, the principle of consensus.

Persuasion Tips for Daily Use If You’re Trying to Influence People It’s not enough to understand the underlying concepts of persuasion. You must also master the simple yet effective ways in which these principles can be used in everyday life. If you're a persuasive person, you're going to have a much easier time in life and often achieve your intended results without having to jump through hoops. Some tips to be more persuasive can be implemented instantly, while others will require some practice.

Tip # 1: Appearing confident Confidence does not naturally come to all of us. Many people seem to have an easier time to be optimistic, while others fail a little. Whether or not you are instinctively optimistic, you must ensure that you always look confident to others. If you are unsure as to how you look or your abilities in a particular subject, nobody else needs to know that. Don't give your insecurities a forum to shine on. Instead, try faking it until you do it. There are people in this world who don't know a lot of things yet have managed to get scores of people to support them and their ideas. The reason, huh? We are the epitome of faith. They walk into the rooms as if they were their own. We act authoritatively even when they're unsure about what they're talking about. Confidence suggests you know what you're talking about. People are allowing themselves to believe the people who know what they're talking about.

Tip # 2: Be subtle with your approach

Even when they allow themselves to be persuaded to do something, most people like to think it was their idea to do something in the first place. One wants to believe that they've allowed a single thought to be forced down their throats. You must be discreet in your approach to performance in persuasion. Instead of adding a single full-on subject, consider starting with an anecdote. If you're looking to get someone to buy an investment, start by mentioning how you and your friends went on a cruise last weekend after you received a particular investment payout. Don't even try to sell that investment. Instead, let the other person think about how they could have gone on a cruise if they had invested in a particular investment vehicle. Entice people, in short, without being too obvious about your temptation.

Tip # 3: Be creative with your methods Efficient methods are not set in stone. Different people are responding to different things. Also, the same person will react differently to different ways, depending on time. You need to know when to switch gears accordingly. Sometimes you will need to work on the theory of resemblance, and sometimes you will need to focus your approach on the concept of authority. Reading social cues should help you to decide which strategies you want to use.

Tip # 4: Timing is all If you want to persuade someone to buy a house, you’re going to have more luck if you spot them when they're shopping for a property. This is true for most things. If you want your crush to go from crush to partner, you'll have a much easier time talking to them when they're looking for a relationship.

To master the art of persuasion, you must master the art of knowing when the timing is right. If you don't, you're going to fall into the trap of harassing people to agree to things they're not interested in. Nobody likes a person who is continually harassing them about doing something, especially at the strangest of times.

Tip # 5: Being Interesting is an added advantage Most persuasive people are not dull. Nobody pays a lot of attention to annoying people. Annoying people don't make it enjoyable to talk to. They're not entertaining, and they're certainly not unforgettable. If you're going to win persuasion, you have to be an exciting person. The good news is that there are so many avenues to be fascinating. All you need to do is identify something unique about yourself and amplify it for the world to see. It could be a talent or a hobby you're very good at. It could also be your sense of humor or the way you look. You might even want to share your insightful view of the world with your viewers. Whatever it is that you pick, make sure it helps people remember you well after the discussion is over.

Tip # 6: Listen more than you're talking. You might think that being efficient means being talkative, but this can't be any further from the truth. You have to train yourself to be an excellent listener to influence people. There are two purposes to listening skills. Firstly, as long as people speak and you listen, that means that you're gathering crucial information that you can use to your benefit. Secondly, people like to be a good listener. Why? Because people love to talk about themselves. Keep your mouth shut and your ears open, and you'll

be well on the way to through your quotient.

Chapter 48: Take control Of Others

NLP, the mind, and ultimate control Have you ever wondered how some people are able to handle change constructively and creatively? While some people are knocked off balance by changes in their lives, others seem to fit right in perfectly. Why is it that some people seem to be in the right place at the right time? How comes some people have good relationships while others cannot get it together even for a week? Is there some form of good luck or inborn traits, making some people more successful than others? One of the professors at the University of California called John Grinder, and his student called Richard Bandler started to work on a behavioral study project in the 1970s. They observed the behaviors of successful people and were more interested in why some people so good at what they do when compared to others. The findings helped them to develop the neurolinguistics programming, which involved observing, codifying, and replicating the behaviors and thought patterns of successful people. The programming explores the relationship between our neuro (how we think) linguistic (how we communicate) and programs (pour patterns of emotions and behaviors). The background of Neuro-linguistic programming is that positive behaviors that lead to success can be copied. The professor and the student were interested in the difference between the thought patterns, behaviors, and language use of successful and unsuccessful people. Their findings are the basis of NLP today. Simply put, the researchers claimed that success has very little to do with luck. You do not have to be lucky in order to succeed. Changing your approaches to life can help you to become more successful

in relationships, career, social spec, and other situations. Though some people develop natural ways of becoming successful, these ways of thinking, acting, and speaking can be learned by anyone who is willing to give it a shot. The Neurolinguistics programming was developed years ago, but a lot of redefinition has taken place over the years. Currently, NLP has become a commonly used technique in self-development and therapy. It is used in education, business, military, and above all, for individuals. NLP can be successfully applied in personal life, and a lot of big companies train their staff on how to use NLP with clients. Basically, NLP is about how we develop mental representations sounds, images, and verbal descriptions of different situations. When we become aware of the internal maps of reality within us, it becomes easier to consciously change our inner landscape and consequently respond differently to people and situations in the outside world. One of the main benefits of using NLP is that results can be seen very quickly. For instance, people with some kinds of phobias can be treated in a matter of minutes using some of the techniques found in NLP. Further, blockages and fears can be dealt with easily and quickly through the use of NLP. Honestly speaking, NLP has shed a lot of light on how we interact with our physical and social environments and other aspects of life.

NLP, manipulation, and mind control Can NLP help you avoid negative manipulation and mind control? Yes, NLP can help anyone to fight manipulators. Often, we move along life on autopilot- responding to life in an extensively automatic way. This leaves us vulnerable to manipulation because we hardly analyze situations critically and make strong decisions. When living life on autopilot, we tend to follow what other people are doing (social proof) and also allow other people to influence our choices. Sometimes go through life drive by those subconscious programs which we have learned and practiced for years – some of them we practice since childhood. Some self-development advocates and personal change ambassadors can fail to explain to us how we can avoid the specific tools we should apply to improve our lives. On the other hand, NLP lays out the tools you need to implement that change. It informs you that you are responsible for your actions, reactions, and responses to the situations in life. NLP allows you to get behind the steering wheel and take charge of your life instead of having another person drive you around. NLP is practiced more because of its practicality – The tools are functional, and a wide range of challenges can be addressed through NLP. Some of the issues include; Developing better relationships, Becoming more healthy Overcoming phobias and fears such as fear of public speaking, Improving communication Being more successful and impactful in your career and family life.

Success in any field of life, be it career, sport, family, et cetera requires excellence. Neuro-linguistic programming is a roadmap for this excellence. Although other factors like luck and innate ability play a role in the success of an individual, the majority of NLP tools must be applied. Success is a predictable result of behaving and thinking in a certain way.

Chapter 49: Manipulating the mind Through NLP Manipulation is a broad phenomenon, available in almost all dimensions of social life. It is a motivating action focused on interference in the decisionmaking process of another person without his or her consent. This form of intervention happens indirectly by involving morally questionable tactics, such as misdirection, temptation, and distraction. The quality of trickery applied in manipulation allows manipulation to happen in all variations and under many different forms. In fact, social scientists have highlighted that an effective change in the human decisionmaking process and behavior cannot be attained without applying a specific level of manipulation. Manipulation does not exactly resemble persuasion and not similar to deception. However, it is located somewhere between those motivating actions, and this presents problems in defining manipulation and assessing its effects. Very little academic work has been done to learn more, and explain the fundamental property of manipulation and its specialty relative to other motivating actions. Most of the work that tries to deal with this problem gathers and summarizes the concept into a single conclusive definition. This will look into the unique properties of manipulation in an analytical form and demonstrate unique features of manipulative interaction. For that reason, it is sensible and useful to apply specific basic assumptions that are usable in economic analysis. This type of move coincides with the methodology of Economic Imperialism.

The basic assumptions focus on a simple common sense and are intended to enable the discussion. Real-life scenarios are not carried out based on basic assumptions. This is particularly true of manipulative interactions that involve aspects that we consider irrational. We shall describe manipulative scenarios as a form of interaction between human beings. The analysis concentrates on agents that contain “standard” human properties: preference, conscience, and so on. The discussion is restricted to conscious actions. As already stated, the book will explore the unique features of manipulation and outline the ethical problems that the manipulation phenomenon raises. The key thing to note about these mind control methods is that they are likely to happen in a person’s daily life with the person’s they know and trust. Of course, a person is not going to isolate their subject or force them to get into an altered state of mind like brainwashing. But they will apply various techniques to change the way the other person thinks. Manipulation, deception, and persuasion are the three forms of mind control that suit this category. This section will study more about manipulation and how it can work to change the way a person thinks. Although manipulation may not harm the person who is applying the tactic right away, it is designed to work in a deceptive and hidden manner to change the actions, behavior, opinion, and perception that the intended person has about a specific topic or circumstance.

Well, but what is manipulation? Before we dive deep, it is vital that we define the meaning of manipulation. When you consider manipulation based on psychology, you will interpret it as a social influence that changes the actions, perceptions of others using deceptive and hidden tactics. The manipulator will work to improve their interests at the expense of others. A lot of tactics used by manipulators are considered abusive, devious, and deceptive. Although social influence isn’t negative, when a person or group is being manipulated, it has the potential to harm them. Social influence, such as a doctor trying to persuade a patient to start practicing healthy habits is considered harmless. This is true of any social influence that respects the rights of those required to decide and is not unduly coercive. On the flip side, if a person is attempting to get their own way and is taking advantage of people by going against their will, the social influence can have a negative impact and is generally undermined. Emotional or psychological manipulation is considered as a form of coercion and persuasion. There are a lot of components that can be employed in this type of mind control, such as brainwashing and bullying. In most cases, people will consider this as abusive or deceptive. Those who decide to manipulate will do so to try to control the actions of those around them. The manipulator will have some targets in mind and will apply various abuse forms to persuade those around them into assisting the manipulator to achieve the target. For the most part, emotional blackmail will be used.

Those who manipulate other people use mind control, bullying and many other methods to make others do what they want; the person being manipulated may not want to do the task, but since they will feel like they have no other alternative because of blackmail or the tactic employed. Many people that are manipulative lack the right caring and sensitivity towards others so they may not see a problem with their actions. Some manipulators are only interested in achieving their end goal and don’t care who has been hurt in the process. Additionally, manipulative people fear to get into a healthy relationship because they are afraid that others will not accept them. A person with a manipulative personality will always have the weakness of taking responsibility for their own problems, life, and behavior. Since they cannot take responsibility for issues that may arise, the manipulator will apply manipulation tactics to get someone else to own their responsibility. Manipulators usually borrow tactics in other forms of mind control to attain the influence they want in others. One of the most popular tactics is called emotional blackmail. For this tactic, the manipulator will strive to motivate guilt or sympathy in the person they are manipulating. These two emotions are selected because they are the strongest of all human emotions and are the most likely to trigger others to do what the manipulator wants. The manipulator will then take complete advantage of the person, using the guilt they have to persuade others into helping them attain their end goal. Usually, the manipulator will not only build these emotions, but they will also trigger some level of guilt that is out of proportion for the situation taking place. This implies that they can take an instance like missing out on a party appears like a person is missing out on funeral or something vital.

Emotional blackmail is just one of the strategies used by manipulators. Another successful tactic is a type of abuse known as crazy-making. This tactic is used with the hope of building self-doubt in the person being manipulated. Typically, this self-doubt will become very strong that some people may begin to feel like they are going crazy. Sometimes, the manipulator will apply passive-aggressive behavior to generate crazymaking. They may also decide to support or approve the subject verbally, but again show non-verbal cues that contradict what they said. The manipulator will usually try to undermine specific events while loudly supporting the same behavior. In case the manipulator is caught ready handed, they will deny, justify, or deceive to get out of trouble. One of the biggest challenges with psychological manipulators is that they are slow to learn the needs of people around them. This does not support the behavior they are doing, but others needs are not factored so they can manipulate others without feeling any shame. Also, the manipulator may find it hard to create long-lasting and meaningful friendships because the people they are with will always feel used and have issues trusting the manipulator.

Requirements to successfully manipulate A successful manipulator must have tactics at hand that will help them succeed at persuading people to achieve their own end goal. Although there are extreme theories that describe what a successful manipulator should be, this book will consider three requirements defined by Georg K. Simon, a successful author in psychology.

Simon says that the manipulator will require to: Hide their aggressive behaviors and intentions from the person or people they want to manipulate. Determine the weaknesses of their intended subject or victims to identify the tactics that will be most ideal in achieving their goals. Develop some degree of ruthlessness so that they will not handle any doubts that arise because of harming the subjects if it arrives at that. This harm can either be emotional or physical. The first thing that the manipulator has to fulfill to manipulate others successfully is to hide their aggressive behaviors and intentions. This means that if the manipulator starts to tell people of their plans, no one is going to stay for long to be manipulated. Instead, the manipulator requires safeguarding their thoughts from others and behaving like everything is usual. Usually, the subjects being manipulated will no know about it, at least not at the start. The manipulator will be friendly, act like their best friend, and probably help them out with some problem or another. By the time the people become aware of the issue, the manipulator has sufficient information about them to use it to coerce them into moving forward. Next, it is crucial for the manipulator to have the ability to know the weaknesses of their intended victims. This can assist them in figuring out the kind of tactics that they can apply to attain their overall goal. Sometimes the manipulator can manage to complete this step through a little observation while other times, they will require to have some level of interaction with the people before developing the complete plan.

The third requirement is that the manipulator has to be ruthless. Things will not go well if the manipulator does his work and then starts to worry about how the subject is going to fair in the end. If they care about the subject, the chances are that they will not apply this plan. The manipulator has to stop caring about the subject; they should not care if any harm, either physical or emotional, occurs on the subject as long as the overall goal is realized. One of the reasons why manipulators succeed is that the subject is not aware that they are being manipulated until later on in the process. They may think that everything is going on well; maybe they think that they have found a new friend in the manipulator. By the time the subject discovers that they are being taken advantage, they are stuck. The manipulator will manage to apply all tactics, including emotional blackmail, to realize their end goal.

The

motivating

feature

in

manipulative

interaction Right now you are aware that a significant characteristic of manipulative interaction is the realization that the “deliberate action” is the right choice for him in a certain situation. The ability of the manipulator to change the critical capacity to destroy the judgment may interfere with the awareness of the target, but it doesn’t result in the change of direction. This means that blurring and clouding affecting the critical capacity does not stimulate the “desirable” track. A strong incentive is needed to ensure that deliberate action is the first in the target’s scale of choice. To realize this effect, the manipulator requires creating a link between the intentional action and the achievement of a powerful wish. For the most part, the manipulator awakens a strong force in the subject’s mind. He builds the notion that fulfillment can be attained if the target sticks to the instructions of the manipulator. The motivating factor in manipulative interaction shows a gap between the manipulator and the target. The target is trying to realize a powerful wish while the manipulator encourages him to do it by using incentives that create a false impression.

Manipulation as a motivating behavior Manipulation is a motivating action. It is an effort by a person to make his or her colleague behave in a certain way, and for a certain purpose. The decision to manipulate and not apply a direct technique shows that the participants in the interaction have opposing stands. Robert Godin, in his book Manipulatory Politics, lists and criticizes a neo-Marxist view that describes the contradiction results from various interests. Manipulation basically works against the interest of those being manipulated. From this perspective, it is implicit that any encouraging action that is applied for the advantage of the target could never be part of the manipulation. This means the neo-Marxist view excludes the entire side of partially positive manipulations that are concentrated to progress the target’s interests. Godin, who attempts to suggest an enhanced approach to the study of manipulative behavior, considers that the contradiction is facilitated by various wills and not essentially by contradicting interests, that is “One person—causing the other to act contrary to his putative will.” Godin’s definition, which concentrates on contradictory wills, considers that the target’s will, or at least his putative will, is always open to the manipulator. Usually enough, but, human beings like to speak in a different and contradictory voice simultaneously, which makes it difficult to understand what they really want. Does that imply that they cannot be manipulated? Consider this, the rich housewife who keeps complaining that the maintenance task causes her to feel miserable, frustrated and unhappy, but she refuses to employ someone to help her. How could we forget to talk

about the miserable Don Juan, who wants to get married, but constantly has love affairs only with married women? And perhaps there is the tragic example of the excellent musician who dedicated most of her life to learning the art of opera but keeps avoiding wonderful opportunities to audition in front of popular conductors who could be able to assist her to expand her professional career. These three tragic heroes-the miserable housewives frustrated Don Juan, and the desperate musician is great examples that ambiguity regarding a person’s intention will originate from the fact that he himself is confused and cannot make a decision. Ironically, manipulative interference can be useful in assisting the struggler to understand his will and arrive at a decision. Indeed, so many techniques in psychotherapy and education are designed to assist a confused person to discover his purpose and choose what to do with it. The definition of Godin also appears problematic in scenarios where the manipulator and the target tend to share the same objectives. In those particular associations, the motivation to apply a manipulative approach can be pushed by different objectives on opportunities to complete the will, such as in the case where the target is in need to satisfy his will and realize his goals. Now, we can look at Goodin’s definition like an indirect move that is executed out of fear that a direct approach will face opposition. But this preliminary broad definition demands a lot of care. In some cases, the decision to change depends wholly on efficiency where the manipulator tries to avoid long explanations, and save time and effort. An extreme case is a leader who predicts a political crisis that demands a fast response. He

assumes that describing the situation to his friends is a waste of time and decides to manipulate them instead.

Chapter 50: NLP Techniques NLP, neuro-linguistic programming, is a fascinating approach to persuasion and communication that really works. Invented by Bandler and Grinder in the 1970’s, NLP has since developed into a multi-billion-dollar industry that many people turn to for guidance. The methods taught by NLP help people learn how to banish bad memories, improve their cognition and mood, and learn to cope with mental issues, and even seduce or communicate better with other people. But Dark NLP takes everything a bit further, right? So you can only expect that your average NLP has nothing on what we are about to explore here. This takes typical NLP a few steps further and shows you how to use it to gain power and control over others. The twisted, dirty art of Dark NLP will unlock many doors for you. It’s one of the most potent dark psychology methods. The great thing about Dark NLP is that it is applicable to all areas of life. You can use it for seduction, persuasion, deception, or even making yourself more confident and powerful. You can use it in romance, friendship, career, or family. You are invincible in all areas of your life when you start to use Dark NLP.

What Is Dark NLP? NLP is built on the premise that you create the world around you. The way that the world appears to you is created through information filtered through your five senses, your speech patterns, and thought patterns taught to you when you were little. Some of your behavior is very unhelpful, but you can use NLP techniques to change this behavior and develop healthier habits. You can use visualization, meditation, and even hypnosis on yourself to correct your maladaptive behavior habits. You can basically get into your own head and change your basic thought habits. NLP allows you to restructure your thinking and erase bad memories using your senses, language, and self-talk. But based on this logic, you can also use NLP to enter the minds of others and restructure their thinking. And this is exactly what Dark NLP entails. Dark NLP takes helpful NLP practices and flips them on other people. Dark NLP can be used for good or evil. Either way, it gives you significant control over others by allowing you to rewire their brains and affect their thinking. Using Dark NLP, you break people’s behavior down into simple parts. Then you affect change by showing people how to behave differently. You use subtle influence to make people think about their actions and approach situations differently. Dark NLP essentially provides a tunnel directly into someone’s mind. You can access their mind with simple techniques like sensory stimulus, gestures, and phrasing words in certain ways. Encouraging people to envision things and to think in new ways also enables you to change their thinking effectively.

And the best part about NLP? It is performed through simply nuances in speech or sensory stimulus. Therefore, it is undetectable. You can gain control over someone and he will never guess that you are the reason he is changing.

What You Need to Know You need to know a few things about a person before you can make him change. You need to learn what he likes about himself, what he hates about himself, what he wants, what he fears, and what he has doubts about. These are essentially the elements of his identity, but they are also weak points. When you target them, you can change them. You can hurt someone through his doubts, fears, and dislikes, or disable him by removing all of the things that he likes about himself and hopes for. You can also persuade or seduce him by playing on what he wants, or scare him into action by provoking his fears. Do you understand now why these five things are so important to using Dark NLP? Take some time to get to know your victim before you employ Dark NLP. Pay attention to what he does and says. The things that he talks about provide dead giveaways into what he really feels and who he is. He will avoid what he fears and get nervous about what he doubts. He will get excited and brag about his hopes and his sources of pride. You will find plenty of clues into his identity if you just open your ears and listen carefully. You can also coax someone into sharing themselves with you by talking about yourself. Share your own hopes, fears, doubts, and self likes and dislikes. When you open up, you establish a trusting bond. You also make him want to reciprocate. Listen to how he responds to you and pay attention to what he chooses to share with you. You can find out someone’s insecurities and pride by complimenting him. He will preen himself if you mention something that he likes about himself.

He will get rather shy and even hesitant to thank you when you compliment something that he is insecure about. This information is crucial to owning your victim.

Play on Hope and Fear Play on someone’s hopes and fears using your word choices. When you want to influence someone to act a certain way, you want to show him how it might be related to his hopes and how it will benefit him. On the other hand, remind him of his fears in relation to an action that you want him to avoid. Let’s say you want your co-worker to stay late for you. You can point out that he is such a hard worker and he is about to get recognition. The boss will appreciate seeing him staying late. You can also hint about his fear of failure and termination by saying that you would hate for the boss to never see him staying late. “The boss might think you’re lazy. We all stay late from time to time, so you want the boss to see that from you, too. It will look favorably for you.” You can also frame his perspective based on his hopes and fears. Use positive, upbeat language that relates to what he hopes for, or really wants. For instance, if you want someone to date your sister, you want to paint a visual of your sister that includes all of the things that this person hopes for in a partner. “She’s kind and she loves to give love and compliments.” Then you can flip this and hint that his worst fears will come true if he dates someone else that you don’t want him to see. “She has a tendency to emasculate men.” Play with someone’s hopes and fears by offering them what they really want and then confronting them with what they fear. This emotional roller coaster is confusing and also makes people insecure. They don’t know which way is up when they are forced to experience so many different

emotions. Fear and hope are two very powerful emotions, so using them simultaneously will have an impact on people emotionally.

Insult Someone Subtly An obvious insult will make someone hate you. But subtle insults allow you to shatter someone’s self-esteem, while appearing innocent. Find out what someone hates about himself. Then mention that every now and then in a subtle way. Don’t ever make a direct or obvious insult. Disguise your insults as compliments, even. For instance, maybe your co-worker thinks that she is fat and she is very insecure about her weight. You have observed her glancing at herself in the mirror disparagingly and looking guilty after consuming an extra slice of birthday cake. So you can say subtle things to dig at her weight problem, such as, “You have such cute cheeks” or “You wear the same size as Marilyn Monroe!” These insults are disguised as compliments, but they tell her that her weight is noticed by others. This just reaffirms what she hates about herself. You can also occasionally bring up what someone fears. If someone in your office is afraid of the disapproval of others, pretend that you are just spreading office gossip and let him know what everyone says about him. Or pretend to be a concerned friend and warn him about what people really say about him behind his back. Of course, you can make up the rumors if you want. By doing this, you are letting him know that people disapprove of him. That reaffirms one of his deepest fears and will drive him crazy.

Influence If Someone Agrees or Disagrees Listen to how someone speaks. Does he say “I feel” a lot? Does he use primarily visual terms, like “I see”? Or is he more of an auditory person, saying “I hear you loud and clear”? How someone speaks can reveal a lot about his primary sensory mode. If you want to influence whether or not someone agrees with you, use his primary sensory mode to your advantage. Use language that fits his preferred sensory perception, or modal system, if you want him to understand and agree pleasantly. He will take better to communication that follows his sensory mode. But if you want him to disagree, use an opposite sensory modal system in your speech. He won’t understand or agree as well. You can also change how someone feels based on sensory perception. If someone is a strong visual person, paint an appealing picture of something or someone to get him to like that thing or person. Otherwise, paint a very ugly picture. Speak in his language to influence him more strongly. He will communicate better if you use his terms. Say you want a friend to go to a restaurant of your choice but he is feeling a different restaurant. You happen to know that he is a very olfactory guy, with a very sensitive nose. So describe how great the food smells at the restaurant that you want to go. Soon, you will make him salivate and appeal to him more. You can also complain, “Haven’t you noticed that the bathroom always stinks a lot at that place that you want to go to?” The olfactory sensation of an unpleasant bathroom odor will fill his imagination

and ruin his appetite for that restaurant, even if he has never noticed a bad bathroom smell there in the past. Also listen to common phrases that people use. Words that they often repeat will have special significance to them. Think of Barney from How I Met Your Mother, always saying, “Legendary!” in funny and creative ways. The word “legendary” holds significance to him. You want to use words that have significance for people. This makes them feel a bond with you.

Create Fake Bonds It’s so easy to create a bond that feels deep to the other person, even if the bond is totally fake and possesses no real depth at all. Dark NLP allows you to make people feel close to you, even if you aren’t really close. You can use this bond to gain trust. Then you can use and manipulate people as you see fit.

Use the Same Sensory Modal System Now you can use this to forge bonds and false closeness with people. So if someone uses a lot of auditory terms and describes things in auditory terms, he will like you better if you also use lots of auditory terms. You two will have better communication and a sense of sharing something in common, even if he doesn’t realize why he feels this way about you.

Match Breathing Breathe at the same rate as the person that you are speaking to. Even though he won’t notice, he will quickly feel closer to you. This may be because people like to have things in common. He may sense that something is similar between you two and as a result, he will trust you and like you more.

Mirroring Much like the section above, mirroring involves copying the other person to create a sense of similarity. Mirroring creates a fake bond very quickly. People love spotting others with whom they have things in common. Therefore, if you imitate someone’s gestures, posture, and facial expressions, you will create a sort of bond that is will feel very strong to the other person. During conversation, subtly mimic someone’s gestures. If he leans toward you, wait a few seconds and then lean toward him. If he crosses his arms, wait a brief moment, then cross your own arms. Smile at people when they smile at you, and frown when they frown. You get the idea.

Understanding Expressing understanding is a form of reflection. It makes other people feel heard, valued, and supported. They love when people understand them. So if you act like you are sympathetic, empathetic, and understanding, then you will create bonds with people. People will feel that they can talk to you, and they will open up to you, giving you even more information that you can use for manipulation. They will trust you and turn to you, never guessing that you’re really the enemy.

Confessing Confessing your own secrets can make others open up like clams. You can reveal real or false secrets. Protect your own interests. Just make sure that your confession seems realistic, genuine, and deeply personal. Your moment of sharing will encourage others to confess things to you. Then you have all sorts of information to use against them later on. You also get to forge a bond that isn’t really there. You gain the person’s trust.

Take Control of Others You can start to take control of people by leading and pacing. This method allows you to subtly gain control over someone in small ways. The small steps that you make at first with pacing and leading can lead to bigger and bigger steps. Once you gain even a small amount of control over someone, you have the potential to take way more control. As you practice mirroring, you can start to test how deep your rapport with the other person is by making some small movements of your own. For instance, after a few minutes or even hours of mimicking the other person’s gestures, flip over your right hand. Ideally, the other person will also flip over his right hand. When someone starts to follow your lead, you know that you have a bit of control. Start to use this control to begin planting ideas in others’ minds and lead them into new ways of thinking. Just a small gesture sets the mode for everything. You should use lots of language to elicit the emotional response that you want in someone. That way, you lead his thoughts in the direction that you want. You can do this by playing on his hopes, doubts, fears, likes, and dislikes. Bring up the things that will make him think positively or negatively about something. This is how you can ruin someone’s mood. Or you can uplift someone. Or you can get someone to make a decision by causing him to feel a certain way about a choice. Remember that people form strong memories and associations with their emotions. This means that while you are talking about a person, you can make someone form a negative association by also mentioning his fears in relation to the person you are both discussing. Take this example. A guy

you know really likes this girl, but you don’t want them to date for whatever reason. So you can make him form a negative association with her by mentioning how much she loves men with money. You know that he doesn’t have a lot of money and it is a deep insecurity that he holds. This can lead him to think that this girl wouldn’t like him and to associate her with a sense of inadequacy. He won’t be as likely to pursue her if he has this association. Pacing lets you set the pace for what someone does. Leading means that you lead someone to do what you want. The two combined create a powerful approach that enable you too sneakily and clandestinely take over someone’s mind.

Meta Modeling Meta modeling is an NLP method that allows you to make people rethink what they say. People often use broad and vague terms like “never,” “always,” and “everyone.” They don’t really consider how general what they are saying is. You can challenge someone when he says one of these words. For instance, if he says, “Everyone likes me,” ask him, “Does everyone? You can’t possibly know everyone in the world!” Doing this makes people question the validity of their statements and causes them to doubt themselves. It also allows you to distract someone from the real argument at hand, and prevents him from making the point that he wanted to.

Chapter 51: The Power of Words — Linguistic Foundations of Manipulation We're going to cover how you can manipulate people in a conversation itself through the magic of neuro-linguistic programming. Specifically, we're going to talk about several different strategies that you can address in dealing with people to get what you want. The big goal here is the development of your very own ‘reality distortion field.’

Spinning ideas The first thing you need to bear in mind before anything else is that when you present an idea to somebody, you ’ll find yourself pushing against the current because of the very nature of the proposition. This is because most of the time, you are not in the winning position in terms of influence. People don’t really want to do something unless they have to, especially if it seems unreasonable from their end for one reason or another. Because of this, one skill that you really need to work on is the spinning of different ideas so that they sound advantageous to the person you're trying to influence. You don't have to do this directly. In fact, you should avoid doing it as this will make your attempts obvious. Rather, instead of presenting things in terms of ‘you’ and ‘I,’ present them as ‘we’ so that they see their inclusion in your plan. If you speak directly of benefits, then do so in a way that makes it sound like you both benefit from it, leaving out your potential benefits.

Overselling as a tactic The reality is that if you want to influence people properly, you have to dream big. While people are apprehensive about things which are big and difficult, they are more likely to come around to things that are bigger than reasonable, provided that you can sell them as reasonable. The key here is to have passion in your presentation. Realistically, you know internally that you aren’t going to hit the mark if you go through with whatever you’re trying to do. However, falling just short of the mark is completely acceptable. It also works reflexively, if the person you’re influencing has enough respect for you and you don’t do the overselling thing constantly, they may see themselves as the issue and be more responsive to the idea of doing something else for you. Overselling is a risky tactic because you must have the ability to inspire people with your passion. However, through persistence, practice, and the development of the right charisma, you can easily get away with overselling to get what you want out of people.

Oversimplifying The ‘sunk cost fallacy’ is a very real thing, and if somebody devotes themselves completely to something, there's a very low chance that they will want to get out of it. This is just the simple truth of the matter. You can easily make people sympathetic to your idea by simply making it sound small, and then you let them find out that it's bigger once they're already involved. People very seldom want to be the weak link in something. This can be seen as the exact opposite of overselling. Instead of making it obvious how a project or something that you want will go, you can hide it and mention it later.

Overt honesty This is one of the easiest tactics here, but it will make people respect you more and make them more partial to your influence. The simple fact is that a lot of people aren’t used to honesty when they least expect it. More than that, the way to influence people — to really and honestly influence people — is to throw them off. If you want to influence people, you have to bewilder them and overpower them in terms of willpower. Consider it like a boxing match, you wait for your opponent to give you an opening before you throw a punch. However, here, you can create your own openings. You can give yourself an opening by doing things that people don’t ordinarily expect, and this can earn their respect. Being honest when people don't expect it is a huge part of successfully implementing this technique. Of course, you need to have a good sense of timing. Don't tell people that something is horrible or that their outfit looks bad or anything else explicitly rude. Rather, if you feel like everybody else is coddling them about something, be the opposition to the coddling. People know when they're being fed manure, even if it's just manure to make them feel better. Being somebody who sees through the manure will make them feel like you really understand them. It’s hard to define exactly what overt honesty means. It’s a bit of a tricky definition in and of itself, after all. If you really want a definition of overt honesty, consider a situation where somebody is confiding something in you. They’re nervous about some big life decision that’s coming up. Overt honesty is not directing them to take one path or another, even if that’s your ultimate goal in the conversation. Overt honesty is like them saying, “I just

hope it will be okay,” and then saying something like “It might not. You know that, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s awful. But...” and then proceed to carry on the conversation, slowly trying to swing them to your side through the use of other tactics. The key here is letting them recognize that you understand them. Most people on the other end of the conversation would tell them “It will absolutely be okay,” but you don’t do that. You affirm their underlying fear (that it might not be okay), validate that fear by expressing it back to them, and make them feel like they should allow you to help them make a decision, even if it’s not in a direct manner. This makes them subconsciously take your advice to heart than they would the advice of others.

Define your position as neutral This won’t always apply, but there are some times where the best course of action is to explicitly define your position because it makes you seem like you’re taken out of the situation; even if you have a position that you want to push somebody towards. Consider this; you and one of your friends have a mutual friend who you don’t like to have around for one reason another. You and the mutual friend are talking to one another at a party after everybody else goes to sleep, and they start to confide in you that they have the opportunity to move eight hours away. (This story is based on something which actually happened to somebody close to me.) Since they're only a mutual friend, you can say that you're in a unique position. "Everybody else will push you to stay because they're your friends and they'll miss you. I'm in a unique position because I know you, but it doesn't really make a huge difference to me if you're here or there. See what I'm saying? I like you, don't misunderstand. I want to be your friend. I consider myself your friend. But I'm in a unique position because I can tell you without bias what you should do. This is an incredible opportunity for you, and I think you should go." Because you defined your neutral position and you’ve hopefully done other things in this list to put yourself in a position such that you can influence their position, you have subconsciously gotten them to start thinking that your opinion is the objective one and everybody else’s is simply subjective. You are the beacon of rationality here. This one goes best with a little bit of drinking because it eases their suspension of disbelief.

Intersperse long and short This goes really well with the last lesson, but it’s a great tip in general. When you’re talking to somebody, don’t absolutely dominate the conversation. Allow them to talk and then ask relevant questions about what they’re saying, tying it into your overarching point. This is more aimed at casual conversation than selling an idea, but you can also use it to sell an idea. (Keep your responses and questions short, but throw in an occasional passionate and long explanation.) By interspersing long statements and short statements, you accomplish two things. The first is that you keep people on their toes in terms of what to expect from you in the conversation, which keeps them engaged. Also, when you respond to whatever they’re saying, make it seem as though you genuinely care about whatever perspective they’re sharing. This is a very key part of influence, so be sure to use it when you can. Remember, you’re trying to keep people on their toes and keep them interested, as well as to ultimately make a case for something whether directly or indirectly.

Intensity and passion You need to work to make yourself intense and passionate or at least give other people the impression that you are. This is more geared towards pitching ideas than in casual conversation. If you do this in a casual conversation, you may actually stray off the path to successfully influencing somebody because you might come off as creepy. What you can do instead is to work at making your sentences ‘sharp.’ Avoid saying filler words and practice saying exactly whatever it is that you want to say. The more you stumble around things, the less confident that you will seem. Moreover, you can make yourself come off as more passionate if you just add more enthusiasm. It doesn’t matter if you repeat the same information so long as you phrase it a different way, or you can even just make it sound like it’s there for emphasis. The point is to develop a rhythm for whatever you’re doing and sound genuinely excited about it. Make it sound like not only do you want it to happen, but you’re one hundred percent confident that it can happen as long as you have the other person’s help.

Spill yourself People often make themselves very vulnerable to other people. However, most of the time, they’ll only do this as a reaction. If you’ll be the first to make yourself ‘vulnerable,’ then you can often get them to open up as well. This can be a great way to learn how to get under their skin, as well as to learn what sort of tactics you need to use to influence them. There are two different routes that you can take here. The first is people know about you. This has a few consequences but also a few perks. The most obvious consequence is that this opens you up to being emotionally vulnerable to the other person. If you can’t shut your emotions off completely, then you may find yourself growing attached to them. This isn't good if you just want to use them for gaining something. On the other hand, depending on the stories that you shared, this might mean that people may corroborate with you if you ever need them. I would personally have a few stories on reserve that don't particularly matter if they get out, because if someone realizes that you’re using them, they may get angry and retaliate by leaking your ‘secrets’ if they’re immature. The second route is that you can make up stories. This one is best done over the phone or in person rather than through email or text message. If you make up stories, then you can rest easy that they have no actual attachment to you in a real sense. You may even set up a reserve of fake stories for different situations. An added benefit of this method is that if they decide to leak your secrets, so long as you don’t leave a paper trail, you can accuse them of making up things to defame you since nobody will be able to corroborate what they’re saying about you. This also serves as the primary

drawback, though. If you need somebody to corroborate your own story, you either have to go without it or let somebody know that you’re trying to use somebody else, which can cause a bunch of problems in and of itself. All in all, though, if you can make yourself vulnerable to another person, they will begin to feel an attachment to you, and they will take everything that you tell them more seriously.

Play to your strengths In developing a personality that you can wear outwardly to influence people, you need to start playing to your strengths. One of the reasons why Steve Jobs was great at influencing people was not only because he knew how people worked, but because he was both intelligent and passionate. Not to mention, intense. All of these, when put together, create a very potent mixture used to influence other people. Unfortunately, chances are likely that you are not Steve Jobs nor can you come close to being as good as he was. As a result, you really need to know how to play to your own strengths and recognize what parts of your personality have the most influencing power. For example, if you’re a smart person, but you aren’t very well-spoken, focus on saying more with less. You’re naturally good at working with abstract concepts, so go ahead and figure out ways to orchestrate these concepts and bring people over to your side. Use your intelligence as your foundation in your influencing. Don’t, however, make the mistake of coming off as though you’re trying to sound intelligent. Don’t, for example, abuse a thesaurus or anything like that. This will ultimately lead to people not taking you seriously, and they may even put you beneath them. If you’re well-spoken but not very practically intelligent, stay away from the finer details and focus on using your charisma to bring people over. If you can’t connect dots, don’t try to. Don’t bring up the dots that don’t even exist, so that the person on the other end of the conversation can’t connect them for you and prove your plan wrong. If you absolutely must mention

them, then mention them in passing and quickly move forward to another topic.

Chapter 52: Re-discovering NLP in Every Day Life Triggering Your Values Values or beliefs are powerful but often overlooked triggering factors to your behaviors. They have the potential to generate such positivity in your life that you can reach the successes that you have always dreamed of. Your values can propel you towards pushing you beyond your limits. This can help in almost all aspects of your life, from your physical health and wellness, all the way to your mental, professional, relational and personal arenas. On the other hand, the same way that values and beliefs can create this well of potential in your life, they can also create a deep crevice that you can sink into and have difficulty overcoming. Misused, these can only stunt your growth, prevent progress and lead you to nowhere in your journey through life. The dangers of these negative beliefs are not that they are only triggered from within, but also from outside of you. So powerful are these values that even when others have them, they have the tendency to affect even you. This ripple effect is especially true if the person inhabiting these negative values is someone you have an important relationship with, such as family, a close friend, or someone of authority. When you have these negative beliefs, whether they come from within you or impact you through others,

you must change them. Beliefs and values may be powerful and you are intelligent enough to know that you are in complete control of them. The first step in changing your values is to make an inventory first. You need to make a list of what you currently have, keep those values that are beneficial to you and remove or change those that are not. Searching for your values can be done by identifying the major life aspects that are the common areas where values are applied. For example, your major life aspects could be your personal life, such as family, friends and relationships. Another aspect can be your professional life; this will be your colleagues, career path, and financial planning. You will also have a leisure life, your sports, hobbies and advocacies. Your beliefs about your personal life can be how you value your relationships, the time you spend with them, romance and love and other similar beliefs. For simplicity sake, work ethics, integrity at the office, and quality of work can be your values in your professional life.

When you have listed down the values that you have, the next step is to understand whether they are positive or negative values. Positive values are those that move you towards success or achievements, these are the ones that make you the best version of you. Negative values are the opposite, they take you away from achievement and they hide your best version. Examples of positive values are happiness, freedom, wealth, and love. The opposite of these values are the negative pairs, anger, sadness, poverty, and guilt. For example, if you are in a relationship, but the reason why you are

in it is because you feel sorry for your partner and cannot leave that person, then that is not love but guilt. Now that you know which ones to keep and which to remove or replace, it is time to create the values that you want. While it is during the early years of life that values are formed into solid aspects of your life, even during adult life, values can still be changed. Begin by selecting the major life aspects that you think you need to improve upon most. Are you thriving at work, while your family life is being sacrificed? Are you having the best adventures of your life, while your financial health is being derailed by your expenses? Now you need to list down the values or beliefs that come into mind when you are thinking about these major life aspects. For example, in your financial life, it can be your value for money, security, material objects and similar beliefs. Now begin to prioritize, which value or life aspect is more important than the other. You can ask yourself questions such as: If I can only choose one out of two values or life aspects, which would it be? If I have this value, then what other value would naturally be linked with it? When you have your priorities, the next step is to plot these priorities in your journey of life. Are they all moving you forward or holding you back? Have you placed too much emphasis on this one aspect? Are you missing certain values to make that life aspect more robust? Are there values that are in conflict with each other? Which do you choose?

EMPATH By David Soul

Introduction Empath is the capacity to peruse and get individuals and be in line with or impact others. In some cases, it is intentional and at different occasions it tends to be automatic, particularly for somebody who is a characteristic empath. Empaths are overly sensitive individuals who experience a significant level of sympathy, thought, and comprehension towards others. Their exceptional sympathy makes a tuning fork impact, wherein the empath appears to really "feel" the feelings of the individuals around them. Numerous empaths are uninformed of how this function; they may have just acknowledged some time in the past that they are delicate to other people. Regardless of whether they understand it or not, empaths share numerous basic attributes with different empaths. Numerous individuals figure out how to conceal their bona fide sentiments and put on a show for the outside world. An empath can regularly detect and identify with an individual's actual feelings that run further than what they anticipate superficially. Empaths have a major heart and will act sympathetically to enable that individual to communicate. There is a charming stranger with a disarming smile. Average people will look at this individual in a superficial way, not reading beneath the surface. They are taken at face value; a smile means happiness. This is not the case for an empath, as they are able to detect negative energy that most of the population would miss. They would find themselves growing uneasy around this person whom everyone else is only able to see as normal.

People, by nature, are quite adept at concealing their feelings and thoughts. Others wear masks to hide ill intentions or negative emotions. That is why when someone commits suicide; it is common to hear friends and family state that the person seemed happy, and they did not see it coming. It takes more than sympathy to be able to go beyond putting yourself in the other person’s shoes (empathy) to actually experiencing the emotions of the other person psychologically and physically. An empath recognizes and feels the emotions that people will not talk about. Therefore, they have a much higher level of compassion and the ability to connect with others. There are no emotional defenses or barriers to shield them from absorbing the energy of the people they come into contact with and their surroundings. This makes individuals with this sensitivity more likely to be the “givers” in relationships. A giver will not often say no, not because they do not want to, but because they cannot. They are likely to have people, the “takers’, take advantage of their compassion. Empathy is a normal human trait. When we see others’ in pain or in distress, we feel sympathy and may even want to help them. Empaths, however, experience the emotions of others on a much more intense scale than a normal person does. The average person can feel sympathy and then walk away from a situation. Empaths cannot distance themselves in this way because they take in the emotion, and it becomes part of their own experience; they are not just spectating. These individuals absorb the suffering in others, making it their own. Empaths experience sympathy towards family, youngsters, companions, close partners, total outsiders, pets, plants, and even lifeless things. Some are normally progressively empathic towards creatures (e.g., The Horse

Whisperer), to nature, to the planetary framework, to mechanical gadgets, to structures, or to any assortment of creatures or things. Others will have a mix of a few or these. Compassion is not held by time or space. Accordingly, an empath can feel the feelings of individuals and things a good way off. Your life is unknowingly affected by others' wants, wishes, contemplations, states of mind, and even agony. Being an empath is substantially more than being profoundly touchy and it's not simply restricted to feelings or physical agony. Empaths can likewise see the inspirations and goals of individuals around them. Being an empath, you are constantly open, in a manner of speaking, to process other individuals' sentiments and vitality. This implies you truly feel, and much of the time, assume the feelings of others, now and again unwittingly. Numerous empaths experience things like incessant weakness, ecological sensitivities, or unexplained a throbbing painfulness day by day. These are everything that are bound to be added to outside impacts and less yourself by any means. Basically, you stroll around this world with the majority of the collected karma, feelings, and vitality from others. Empaths frequently have the capacity to detect others on various levels. From their situation in seeing what another is stating, feeling, and thinking, they come to comprehend that individual. They can likewise turn out to be capable at perusing someone else's nonverbal communication and may eagerly think about their eye developments. While this in itself isn't sympathy, it is something that stems from being attentive of others. As it were, empaths have a total correspondence bundle. Empaths are not made. Compassion is the nature of every single cognizant being toward the start, when they are made by God, The Supreme Being.

Empaths may wind up constantly attracted to nature as a type of discharge.

Chapter 53: What Is an Empath? Empaths are those with the innate ability to read and understand the emotions of people around them. This ability may even extend to nature, including plants and animals. Individuals with this sensitivity are able to read and absorb the energy of others, without even being aware that it’s happening. This unconscious immersion means that the empathic party experiences feelings with the same depth and intensity as the person that bore the sensations, originally. Empaths have a higher level of natural intuition that stems from their ability to sense undercurrents of energy, just below the surface. When interacting with another person, they can discern the mental and emotional state of that individual, because they are hypersensitive to the world around them. Have you been in a situation where you had an intuitive feeling that something bad was going to happen? Empaths tend to see beyond the obvious; feeling before they think. Sinduthai Sapkal’s Empath Experience In a small village in India, a girl was born on a sweltering November day in 1948. Her parents would have rather had a boy since girls in their culture at the time, were nothing more than a burden and an extra mouth to feed. Still, Sinduthai was luckier than most in that she was spared the infanticide that was commonplace when unwanted daughters were born into a family. Her father, to his credit, tried to send her to school, but fate intervened, and poverty put an end to her formal education after the fourth grade. With no use for her, she was married off at the tender age of nine to a man who, in his thirties, was more than two decades her senior. Knowing no other way

of life, Sinduthai, at nine, became a wife and a mother of three by the time she was twenty years old. Fate, however, was not done with Sinduthai, and after some village chatter, her husband was incited into getting rid of his wife, who at the time happened to be pregnant. She was battered by her husband and left for dead in the cow pen, where the cows were expected to trample on her and in so doing, provide a plausible explanation of her death. It is in this cow-pen that a barely alive Sinduthai gave birth to her daughter and managed to escape to a nearby cemetery that she called home for a while with nowhere else to go. Begging on the streets to feed herself and her daughter, Sinduthai was confronted by the sheer numbers of children abandoned and left to die in the streets with no one to care for them. She resolved to make them her responsibility. So, she begs for herself, her daughter, and the abandoned children. She adopted these children of the streets, even though she could barely feed herself or her daughter, and had nothing but love to offer them. Eventually, after years of begging, a good Samaritan took notice of the woman herding and taking care of numerous street children. This savior built an orphanage so that Sinduthai and her adopted children would have a place to call home. With time, Sinduthai found donors to fund the education of her adopted children, and she managed to raise and nurture over a thousand street children. However, for this remarkable woman, her journey was not quite over. The same husband who left her for dead showed up on her doorstep in tatters and homeless. Unsurprisingly for her, Sinduthai took him in and offers him the grace and compassion he was never able to give to her or her daughter.

Sinduthai Sapkal is now a renowned social activist, and is fondly referred to as the “mother of orphans”. She has won numerous local and international awards for her charity work. It baffles many, that a woman, who had nothing, could be so compassionate towards others. They wonder how she found the strength to not only save herself but for many others who, like her, had been discarded and abandoned. Sinduthai is the embodiment of an empath who cannot help but feel other people’s pain and is helpless in the face of people’s distress and suffering, to the point of forgetting her own needs and only thinking of others. We may not all be driven to great acts of charity or life-changing paths by a compassionate nature, however, as an empath, you will always be unable to distance yourself or ignore the pain of others. An empath is highly sensitive to other people’s needs, and in either small or big ways, they make an impact on humanity since they are drawn to the service of others and are compelled to cater to the needs of people in throes of misfortune. Scientific Explanations of Empathy and Empaths Research has shown that there are scientific factors that predispose people to become empaths. These factors affect how emotions are processed and how we react to the environment and the people around us. Some of these biological factors include; The Mirror Neuron System The mirror neuron system is a group of specialized brain cells that are responsible for our ability to mimic other people’s actions and behavior. These specialized brain cells enable us to feel other people’s pain, joy, happiness, or any other emotions. In empaths, this mirror neuron system is more sensitive than in the average person. This means that once stimulated

by external factors, this system triggers a much stronger psychological reaction. The mirror neuron system is triggered by our surroundings and the external environment. Ever noticed how you tend to be happier when you are surrounded by positive and upbeat people? This happens because we take on the emotions of those around us. If you surround yourself with negative people, you tend to feel more negative yourself. This is beyond a social phenomenon. These specialized brain cells responsible for mirroring other people will pick up on the mood of those around you, and soon, it becomes your energy. Misery loves company may be a cliché, but science has proven that we tend to model ourselves after our environment and the emotions of the people in it. While empaths have a highly active mirror neuron system that increases their sensitivity to other people, the reverse is true in psychopaths and narcissists. The same system in individuals with the aforementioned personality disorders is almost nonfunctional, and this explains why these two groups of people can inflict pain without feeling compassion or sympathy. When the mirror neuron system is weak, we can only feel our own emotions, and thus, it becomes difficult to be compassionate, understanding, or kind to people. Electromagnetic Fields The brain and heart produce electromagnetic fields as a form of energetic communication. Typically, information about an individual’s emotions and mental state is encoded in these electromagnetic fields that are generated by the heart and brain. Research carried out on a person experiencing two distinct and opposite emotions (appreciation and anger) showed a clear

distinction between the electromagnetic fields produced during the two emotional states. Communication between two people occurs on various levels apart from the obvious verbal interaction. There is an electromagnetic exchange that occurs below the conscious level, contributing to the scale of emotional connection that we are able to establish with the other person. Empaths are highly in tune with this subconscious communication, which is why they can discern emotions even when they are not immediately visible or verbally articulated. This higher level of sensitivity to electromagnetic communication has also been credited for the gifts of nature empaths and their ability to read the energy of plants and animals. Emotional Contagion When an individual’s thoughts and behavior precipitate others feeling and acting in the same way, this phenomenon is referred to as emotional contagion. This influence can be affected through conscious or subconscious triggers, meaning that even when we are not aware of it, we can be deeply altered through other people’s experiences. This is especially true for empaths who naturally have a high sensitivity to other people’s emotional states. Emotional contagion has been found to exist in personal relationships, as well as professional situations where people are required to work in teams. On a personal level, it is common to find that even a young child can pick up on feelings of distress in their mother, and these emotions can also cause the child to become troubled. The youth are highly intuitive; they are ruled by senses rather than cognitive aptitude and, as such, can pick up on emotional signals that we think are beyond their understanding.

In group situations, the mood of one person (either positive or negative) has the ability to affect the whole team. The atmosphere changes based upon the energy being projected by any given person. Such emotional contagion can be overwhelming for intensely empathetic people. An overload of sensory stimuli and feelings from so many different sources can be exhausting and may even act as a social deterrent. The daunting nature of these interactions is enough to send empaths running. Scientific studies suggest that these individuals are more likely to be introverted than extroverted, favoring limited social contact. Increased Dopamine Sensitivity Dopamine is a chemical that is released by nerve cells in the brain to transmit messages to other cells. It, therefore, functions as a neurotransmitter. This substance is regarded as a “feel-good hormone” and is responsible for mood elevation and a positive emotional state when released in the body. Empaths have been found to have a higher sensitivity to dopamine. Even trace amounts, when released into the body, may have a dramatic effect on mood. This increased susceptibility to such hormones may explain why these individuals are affected, to a larger degree, by emotions when compared to the average person. Synesthesia Synesthesia is a neurological factor that connects two senses that are normally not linked. For instance, a person with synesthesia can smell a particular scent when listening to a song or associate a noise with a certain color. In these cases, two senses are used to interpret external stimuli that would typically be perceived using only one.

Ordinarily, when you hear a song, you do not associate it with a scent or color because it is only processed in the brain, as sound. Synesthetes perceive reality in a different way. They are able to make associations between unrelated senses, such as sight (hue) and smell. In empaths, mirror-touch synesthesia enables them to feel the emotional and mental state of the other person as if it is happening in them as well.

Chapter 54: Types of Empath You could identify with just one of these types or you could identify with all six. The types of Empath are how you relate to your gift and how it manifests most strongly for you. For some, the energy comes through emotions and feelings while for others, it emerges as having a strong sensitivity to plants and animals instead of people. Usually, if you are a gifted Empath in one way, then you will show gifts in another. This will describe the different types so you can see their similarities and their differences. What kind of an Empath are you?

Emotional Empath An emotional Empath is just what it sounds like: someone who strongly senses and feels the emotions of another. This is not an easy thing to have present in your life, especially if you don’t know that you are an Empath and you are dealing with a lot of other people’s baggage and not just your own. This is a highly common form of empathy and will actually usually be linked to several other types. It comes with the need to have a lot of alone time and opportunities to recharge your batteries after the exhaustion of feeling so many different people’s emotional energy. You can determine if you are emotional Empath if you are always giving a lot of your time to other people and working really hard to solve their emotional problems to the point of exhaustion. People will often naturally and unconsciously cling to an emotional Empath because of how good they are at listening and how often they help make people feel better. An emotional Empath is actually absorbing the negative feelings of another like a sponge, lifting the worries, fears, doubts of the friend in need, but then taking that energy away with them, like a garbage collector. Emotional Empaths need a lot of focused energy clearing, grounding, and personal honesty with their own feelings and emotions to live in a healthy balance with their gifts. True emotional Empaths will also want to look for friends and partnerships that allow them to have a more balanced emotional life. Often times, emotional Empaths get involved in very toxic relationships because they are always acting as a caregiver to their partner’s emotional needs and are rarely or infrequently given the same in return leading to very low energy and several negative and unhealthy side-effects.

Physical Empath Physical Empaths are usually those who are emotional Empaths who also have the ability to perceive physical pain coming from another person. This is often a way for you to assess how someone is feeling on the physical level and is not as common as emotional empathy. If you are a physical Empath, you would know it. You would be feeling someone’s pain that you were sitting next to, or take home someone’s raging headache. Have you ever heard the term “sympathy pain”? It is a real thing that can occur for any person and will often result in taking on someone’s physical feelings in an empathic way. Some men have claimed to feel the labor pains of childbirth while their partners are actually giving birth to their babies. This is an example of what physical empathy might look like. For the physical Empath, however, the experiences are much more frequent and involve even the most subtle vibration of physical discomfort. It can also relate to feelings of pleasure and joy, including sexual feelings, or orgasmic moments that are felt or shared in partnership. There are a variety of ways this “feeling” will manifest for the physical Empath and it is important to make sure that whatever you are feeling belongs to you and not to someone else, quite similar to emotional Empaths requiring

boundaries

with

people’s

emotional

feelings.

Some

hypochondriacs might just be physical/emotional Empaths who haven’t identified their gifts yet.

Plant Empath People who are plant Empaths are those who are deeply connected to the energy of living things that are not human. A plant Empath can often “hear” what a plant or living organism might need even to the point of understanding the language that they speak. Language is a strong term to describe energy. Plant Empaths are excellent at perceiving the energy of plants and what they are here for. A green thumb is certainly a component of being empathic with plants and many people who are naturally gifted gardeners will possess varying levels and degrees of plant empathy. The best way to understand plant Empathy is to consider how you feel when you are around them. Many plants are very high in vibration, meaning they have very light and pure energy. Being around them makes most people feel good and for someone with strong plant Empath skills, it will be a much stronger sensation of joy and happiness. To become a plant Empath all you need is to study how they want to be communicated with. What about asking the plant what it “thinks”? For the plant Empath, this wouldn’t be strange at all and if you consider that they are living beings also you wouldn’t hesitate to inquire what their needs are on a daily basis, just as you would a person or even an animal, which brings us to the next type of Empath…

Animal Empath As you may have guessed from the name, an animal Empath has an ability to sense the feelings of animals. This doesn’t just mean pets or domesticated animals; it can also mean a flock, a herd, or a colony. Being an animal Empath will often coincide with being an emotional Empath and sensing the feelings of people also, but for those who are especially sensitive to human emotions, the feelings of cats and dogs can be a little bit easier to manage on a day to day level. Some animal Empaths spend their careers working with a variety of pets or species of an animal through veterinary and rescue services, while others will just live with a lot of pets and rescue animals at their homes, living in harmony with all of the animals they meet. You don’t have to be an animal Empath to appreciate animals, of course, but it is an animal Empath who can perceive the needs, feelings, and pain of an animal which comes in handy considering that animals cannot speak English to describe what they are going through. Animal Empaths pick up on those needs and can help animals through a higher sensitivity to “reading” the energy of the animal in question. Animal Empaths are a lot like people Empaths in the way they read the energy of another and it can be through this gift that you are able to find your most fulfilling career and living situation in close company with a variety of special animal friends.

Environmental Empath Environmental empathy has a much larger scale. For those who are environmental Empaths, they will sense the “feelings” of an entire landscape. Imagine a mountainside completely shorn of all of its trees destined for a lumber yard. Think of all of the inhabitants of the forest that were uprooted and killed so the trees could be cut. This is what an environmental Empaths will sense: the pain of the land that has experienced destruction. They can also feel the peacefulness and harmony of the land as well and some Empaths will choose their home based on the way the landscape and environment feel. Environmental Empaths are also capable of sensing places, not just natural landscapes. They might walk into an old building that has seen a long and violent history, noticing the energy of how hundreds of years of religious torment left many vibrations and feelings behind in the walls and floors. When an environmental Empath walks into a building that was built on the protected and sacred land of an indigenous people without permission, they can feel the strong energy of deceit, deception, and wrongdoing. They can also feel the vibration and frequency of goodness, compassion, and sympathy in the walls of a particular structure, that could come from the way that it was built, or the business that exists inside of it. Environmental Empaths are often activists for the Earth and her resplendent beauty, as well as for peoples and places that need a voice to celebrate them or help them avoid destruction and disharmony. It is often the case of the environmental Empath to help protect the natural world and create consciousness around the way we live on Earth.

Intuitive Empath Intuitive Empaths are a lot like a psychic. In a way, they are psychic and are able to have a very strong sense of things to come. They are also gifted emotional Empaths and may even have all of the other empathic gifts listed above but the main gift is an ability to have Clair cognizance, clairvoyance, and psychic perception. This will open up for those that are given permission by their early life programming, or by a personal spiritual journey that awakens the ability to see the world in this way. When we are younger, we may or may not be told that it is possible to see the world in this way and so if you are not given an attitude at an early age that you are able to be psychic, then you are not likely to grow up with that knowledge. Many people find their psychic awareness on in life through their own personal choices and ability to grow in that direction. Intuitive Empaths will even begin their journeys as emotional Empaths and their intuitive abilities broaden and widen over time and with experience. Intuitive Empaths are good at predicting a moment or situation before it has happened and are also able to assess or pinpoint deeper meanings behind the emotional pain of another. Intuitive Empaths are often able to see the past lives of another person and will even have prophetic dreams and visions that shed light on important matters in their own lives and those of other people. A psychic will not always describe themselves as an intuitive Empath, but that is essentially what they are. They can read beyond the layer of emotion and see the energy of all possibilities for someone or something in the world. It takes a lot of practice and personal growth to achieve this type of

empathy, and it is possible for everyone to do it if they are inclined to walk that path. All of these types of empathy illustrate the reality of what being a true Empath means. Feeling empathic towards someone you know, or a situation you are in is one thing; sensing, feeling, perceiving, and absorbing those feelings is quite another. Consider what type or types of Empath you are and begin to see the correlation to your life experiences as they are right now. Finding your type is what will help you identify the best ways to take control of your gift. You may be wondering to yourself right if it is even a good thing to be an Empath. Wouldn’t life be better if it wasn’t so complicated and sensitive?

Chapter 55: How Empathy Works? Empathy and being an Empath are different and it is what you need to understand about being an Empath that will help you realize how empathy works. We are all highly sensitive people and many people choose or are not capable of, being aware of that. As a human being, you have a very sophisticated internal technology that is very adept at sensing and feeling the world around you. How do you think we survived extinction? Part of our survival mechanisms is to look and listen to everything that could harbor danger or offer us safe shelter, food, and an ability to make it to the next day. Fortunately, we’re no longer living in the age where death by a wild animal is as likely, but our instincts have remained intact in our brain stems, allowing us all to sense and perceive what will likely cause some kind of effect in our immediate environment. In the case of empathy, as you are sitting next to someone or something, you are sensing and perceiving their energy to determine whether they are trustworthy, kind, good, etc. Much of this actually occurs on a subconscious level and we are not always aware of the fact that we are naturally “reading” the energy output of another person. It can be very strong when you are sitting next to a grieving mother who has lost her son, or next to a person who is angry and frustrated by everything you are saying. You feel all of the energy with your own sensory receptors and not all people are as skilled or as predisposed to having such a strong perception of this kind. Empaths are incredibly sensitive to the energy of another person. Without an awareness of this gift, an Empath will have a lot of emotional turmoil and will often feel like something is wrong with them and that their

emotional state is just an unfortunate part of who they are, not realizing that their state of depression, anxiety, or frustration is the result of perceiving someone else’s unraveling energy and absorbing it. Empathy is not as complicated. When you are sitting next to a coworker and are an empathic listener, you might act as an available friend who will offer support while they talk about their recent divorce. You will have a very strong ability to connect with them and sense their pain, but you won’t necessarily absorb those feelings and make them your own, as an Empath would. There are a lot of people in the world who are Empaths who have studied their gifts and still struggle with maintaining a healthy balance and emotional roundedness. It can be very challenging to always identify their feelings from those of another. As an Empath myself, I have had times when I have walked into a room and sensed the angry argument that happened between a married couple just before I arrived for dinner. I worried the entire time I was eating with them that they were unhappy with my presence there until I realized that I was just sensing their feelings about each other and the fight they were having before their dinner guest arrived. If you are an Empath, you will feel everything a lot more than other people do and it is not a bad thing. It can be a very good thing to help you understand who you are and what the world has to offer from a sensory perspective. The key is to know yourself well and to trust your instinct and intuition so that you are not carried away with fear and doubt that doesn’t actually belong to your true feelings and is coming from something else outside of you. Empathy is a powerful resource for all people and learning to develop your general empathic skills will help you to connect to others in a more

impactful, personal, and meaningful way. The truth of being empathic is that you are a supportive listener and that you are able to allow another person to have their own emotional experience without making it about yourself. You offer kindness and intentional offerings of understanding while another person is given space to share their emotions with a person who might know what it feels like to be going through something like what they are feeling. An Empath will offer the same support but will actually sense and feel it before words are even spoken about it. True Empaths are always perceiving through the senses and will pick up on the slightest intensity of feeling from the person standing just behind them at the grocery checkout. A true Empath will notice when someone is putting on a façade to pretend that they are fine but, under the surface, holding back tears of anguish and sorrow.

Chapter 56: How to Embrace Your Gift? As you have read, being an empath is physically and emotionally exhausting, which can cause you to feel as if you don’t have a gift but a burden. Feeling this burden is the first step towards embracing your gift. You will now need to learn how to look after yourself so that you can embrace your gift without feeling exhausted. This is an extremely important process and you should invest time and effort into mastering the best techniques for effective coping mechanisms. Once you learn how to cope and function as an empath, you can use your gift to better yourself and your environment.

Due to the constant feelings of overwhelming emotions and stress, you must go to great lengths to eliminate the negative energy that you can attract. The techniques that you learn should become a part of your daily routine and will open your eyes to the true value of the gift that you have been blessed with. Even though being an empath is not a disease or a curse, it is controversial and can cause you to feel so uncomfortable that you will try to suppress it. In alcoholics or narcotics anonymous their slogan is the first step to cure is to admit that you have a problem. The same applies to you as an empath; the first step towards embracing your gift is admitting that you are indeed an empath and that you are proud of it. Although this is a small step, it will make a great difference, as you will eliminate a lot of the stress associated with hiding your gift. In order for you to feel relieved from the struggles of being an empath, it is essential that you get enough rest. The most effective method of doing so is

to set a regular sleep-wake cycle and do what you can to ensure that you have a restful sleep throughout the night. You should also take regular breaks throughout the day for relaxation and deep breathing exercises to rid yourself of some of the stress that has built up throughout the day. Such exercises will provide you with immediate relief. Take care that you do not place yourself in environments that are overly stimulating on a regular basis. It can be difficult to avoid them completely; however, you should endeavor to avoid them as much as you can. If you know that you are going to be in an overly stimulating environment, make sure that you prepare yourself emotionally and mentally beforehand. This will enable you to quickly rid yourself of any of the stress that you feel as a result of the energy that you are surrounded by. Social media and the internet in general are extremely stimulating environments. It is advised that you often take a break from the energy that is emitted through the internet. You don’t have to be in the physical presence of someone to absorb their energy. It is also advised that you have a regular routine in place for stress relief. What you do depends on what you find relaxing. You might enjoy reading motivational books, getting a massage, going to a spa, using aromatherapy or taking a warm bath. Here Are Some Helpful Tips to Assist You in Fully Embracing Your Gift: Appreciate and Honor Your State of Consciousness Empaths often feel pressure because they are different. Being different brings many challenges because the world expects you to conform to its norms and values. When you are misunderstood by others, it is easy to take their disapproval personal and carry it as a burden. It is normal to be emphatic and a gift to be in tune with yourself physically and spiritually. I

would go as far as saying that it is essential that you have this gift to survive because it puts you on high alert when danger is surrounding you or your family. Identify the Difference Between Thought Consciousness and Emphatic Consciousness You can observe the difference between day and night because you can see it. It is difficult to identify emphatic awareness because you can’t see it. It is something that is felt and experienced on the inside. Once you can identify this difference, you will begin to see your gift as a blessing instead of a curse. You attain self-knowledge when you know when the mind and its thoughts are dominating. Feelings and thoughts are different, and when you recognize these differences, you will feel liberated. This knowledge will give you the power to defend yourself against energetic tides instead of being pulled into them. TRUST IN YOUR INTUITION This does not mean that you should fully understand or embrace the feeling. You may not have complete knowledge of the situation, but the feeling is real and you should embrace the deeper communication that is happening within.

Chapter 57: Empaths and Work As an empath, you will face particular challenges in the workplace. Everyone deserves a job that fits their abilities and personality, but you need to take extra care before accepting a position because a toxic work environment can make you emotionally, spiritually, and physically sick – fast. So, as an empath, how can you pick the right kind of job and thrive at work? ALWAYS ASK FOR A WORKPLACE TOUR BEFORE ACCEPTING A ROLE When you go for an interview, ask whether you can take a tour if someone hasn’t already offered to show you around. Pay attention to the employees’ facial expressions, their body language, and the way they talk to one another. You’ll quickly surmise whether the organization is toxic. Unless you are in desperate need of money, follow your gut instinct and avoid workplaces that contain a significant amount of negative energy. Pay close attention to the lighting, the noise levels, the amount of clutter, and the layout of the desks. Ask yourself whether you could be comfortable working in such an environment, from both a physical and emotional perspective. A high salary might be enticing, but your health and sanity must come first. Even if other people tell you that a job is too good an opportunity to pass up, trust your intuition. You have the power to make a positive difference in the workplace, but you are under no obligation to sacrifice your mental and physical health if doing so is beyond your comfort zone. Never feel bad about choosing the right job for you.

USE YOUR GIFT AS A SELLING POINT Empaths are not show-offs by nature, and the prospect of selling yourself in a job interview might be enough to make you feel queasy. But think of it this way – your empathic qualities are actually an increasingly valuable commodity in the workplace. We tend to associate the business world, and even the public sector, with a kind of cut-throat mentality where everyone is trying to outdo one another and compete for the best positions and the most money. However, our society is increasingly aware that taking care of one another and our planet is the only way forward. We still have a long way to go in creating a more caring world but, in general, we are starting to understand the benefit of a healthy work-life balance and the merit of cooperative working practices rather than a dog-eat-dog mentality. If you feel up to the challenge, you can use your gift to help drive this change! You know that there is far more to life – and work – than status or salary. Your gift makes you perfectly suited to roles that require listening, conflict resolution, and mentoring skills. Psychiatrist, author, and empath Dr. Judith Orloff maintains that empaths bring passion, excellent communication skills, and leadership ability to their professional roles. When an interviewer asks what you can bring to a job, don’t hesitate to give examples of times you have demonstrated these gifts. WORKING ALONE VERSUS WORKING WITH OTHERS Although you have strong leadership potential, a role involving extensive contact with colleagues and customers on a day-to-day basis may prove too draining, especially if you are not yet confident in your ability to handle negative energy and toxic individuals. Be honest with yourself when applying for a position. If it entails working as part of a busy team with few

opportunities to recharge during the day, think carefully before making an application. Most empaths are well suited to working for themselves or taking on jobs within small organizations. Working in a large office or noisy environment may be too stimulating – and that’s fine! We all have different needs and talents, so do not allow anyone to make you feel inferior for not being able to handle a “normal” workplace. As an empath, you may quickly become overwhelmed by the prospect of having to interact with coworkers, members of the management team, and customers. On the other hand, working alone can result in social isolation if you take it to extremes. If you decide to run a small business from home, for example, be sure to schedule some time with family and friends at least a couple of times per week. Not only do you need to nurture your relationships, but it is also helpful to gain an outsider’s perspective on your work from time to time. Sometimes, you may get so caught up in a project that relatively minor problems seem to take on a life of their own. Talking to other people allows you to take a more realistic view and help you come up with new solutions. IF YOUR ENVIRONMENT DRAINS YOUR ENERGY, ASK FOR REASONABLE ADJUSTMENTS You can’t expect your boss to redecorate the office just to suit your preferences or to fire an energy vampire, but you can ask them politely whether they would mind making a few small adjustments. For example, if there is a harsh strip light directly over your desk, you could ask whether it would be possible to turn off the light and use softer, gentler lamps instead. If you work in an environment in which people talk loudly, experiment with white noise or other sound recordings designed to trigger feelings of calm

and emotional stability. Try sounds recorded in nature, as these are often soothing for empaths. If possible, listen to natural or white noise via noisecancellation headphones for at least a portion of your workday. There are also additions and adjustments you can make that do not require permission from your boss. For instance, you can place crystals on your desk as a means of countering negative energy and set aside a few minutes each day – even if you are incredibly busy – to ensure your desk is clear of unnecessary clutter. If you work with a computer, pick a calming scene or color as your desktop wallpaper. Frame a photo or uplifting picture and keep it on your desk. Look at it for a few seconds when you need a dose of positive energy. If you enjoy your job but would prefer to spend less time around other people, consider asking your manager whether you can work from home a couple of days each week. This can give you some respite from other peoples’ energy and enables you to take a break at any time. Working from home comes with the privilege of setting up an environment that suits you perfectly. For example, you could install a water feature on your desk or play natural background noise throughout the day without fear of eliciting annoying questions from your coworkers. WATCH OUT FOR ENERGY VAMPIRES If you come across an energy vampire in your personal life, you usually have the option of cutting contact with them, or at least limiting how much time the two of you spend hanging out. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case when you are forced to work alongside them. This is where boundaries come into play. You need to politely but firmly assert yourself from the outset of your professional relationship. Don’t be drawn into petty workplace gossip, and don’t accept any invitations from

toxic people to socialize outside of work. Draw on your best energy selfdefense skills, and always put your wellbeing before professional obligations. Empaths who choose to work in the helping professions, whether with other people or animals, need to remain aware of the effect of their work on their energy levels. For example, if you work as a psychologist or therapist, speaking to a client who is going through an especially sad or difficult time in their life can leave you exhausted, depleted, and even depressed. Be sure to allow a few minutes between clients or appointments in which to ground yourself, and schedule plenty of time to relax and nurture yourself outside of work. DRAW A LINE BETWEEN YOUR WORKPLACE AND HOME If you work outside the home, it’s a good idea to devise a routine that creates a clear dividing line between your professional and personal life. As an empath, you are susceptible to carrying the negative energy of others with you. You may catch yourself worrying not only about the problems you are facing at work, but also those of your colleagues, bosses, and customers. Unless you learn how to “switch off,” you will soon become overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed. When it’s time to wrap up your work for the day, stay mindful of the transition between work and home. Create a ritual that automatically encourages you to switch your focus to personal interests and feelings rather than those of colleagues and clients. For example, you may wish to spend the final five minutes of your workday in meditation or tidying your desk whilst listening to a particular soundtrack or piece of music. If you have a friend or relative who always raises your energy levels, you could

get into the habit of texting them just before leaving work or on the way home. FOCUS ON HOW YOUR WORK HELPS OTHERS It isn’t always possible to change your job or work in the field of your choosing. If you are stuck in a job that isn’t right for you and are in no position to make a change any time soon, try approaching your work with a new mindset. As an empath, you have a talent for helping others. Not only do they benefit from your support, but you also get to soak up their positive energy too. It’s truly a win-win situation! Try to find opportunities to lend a hand to someone else, and offer emotional support as long as it doesn’t leave you feeling too drained. For example, if one of your colleagues seems especially stressed, take the initiative and ask them if they’d like to talk to you for five minutes about anything that’s bothering them. Sometimes, just offering a listening ear can turn someone’s day around! Or perhaps you could offer a more practical form of help. For instance, you could offer to take everyone’s mail to the mailroom on your coffee break. Acts of service and kindness allow you to find a sense of meaning in your work, even if you are hoping to change careers in the near future.

Chapter 58: How to Support A Young Empath? You now know how to take care of yourself as an empath, and how to best use your gift. However, if you have a young empath in your life, it’s important that you also understand how to support them. Children with this ability often face significant challenges, but your support can make all the difference as they come to terms with the fact that they are different from their peers. Being an empathic child is tough, but young empaths have so much to offer our world, and they should be appreciated! Psychologist and empathy expert Dr. Michele Borba believe teenagers today are running low on empathy. It’s clear that young empaths have a lot to teach their peers.

How to Spot A Young Empath? Empathic gifts are present from birth, and young empaths have the same abilities and needs as empathic adults. However, because children have less experience in understanding and expressing their own emotions, their empathic nature may manifest in a different way. Empathic children usually prefer to play alone or in the company of just one or two good friends. In general, they gain more enjoyment from talking and playing with older children and adults than those their own age. It isn’t that they believe themselves to be superior to their classmates. Rather, a young empath’s unusual maturity means that they are on the same wavelength as those older than themselves. They may report feeling distant or alienated from people their own age. An empathic child may surprise you with their uncanny ability to hone in on what others are thinking and feeling. For example, you may be feeling stressed about an incident at work while cooking dinner for the family one evening. Your empath child might walk past the kitchen door and immediately discern that you are upset about something that has happened during the day. They may well give you a hug and ask you to tell them exactly what or who has made you sad. It is important that you strike a balance between honoring their gift and overloading them with inappropriate information. If you are upset or angry, denying it will teach your child that their intuition cannot be trusted, which will instill self-doubt and confusion. On the other hand, there is no need to share too many details, as this could cause them unnecessary distress. For example, a young child does not need to know absolutely everything about a serious illness or assault. A simple

acknowledgment of the situation and the feelings that go with it will be sufficient in most cases. Do not lie to your child and keep discussions ageappropriate.

Uncover the Real Reasons Behind Temper Tantrums Think carefully before chastising a young empath for bad behavior. Yes, they might be disobeying you simply because they are a naughty child, but they could also be acting out in response to overwhelming stimuli in their environment. Consider the situation from a toddler’s perspective. As an empathic adult, you can usually make your excuses and leave if you find yourself bombarded by too much noise or light. Unfortunately, a young child has less autonomy and often has no choice but to endure it. In a bid to protect themselves, they may either freeze up – which is why empathic children are often labeled “shy” – or they can attempt to regain control over the situation by causing their own noise and disturbance! If you suspect that your child is an empath, do not be surprised if they suddenly act out from time to time. If they are having meltdowns or tantrums on a regular basis, it’s time to dig a little deeper. Think like a detective. Are there any triggers that reliably predict “bad” behavior? Take your child’s complaints seriously – if they tell you that they don’t like strong light or smells, believe them! Let anyone else who cares for your child know that they are an empath or, if this concept is alien to the person in question, that your child is unusually sensitive and requires a few minor adjustments. For example, if they attend a daycare center, you should let the staff know that they are liable to become overwhelmed during high-energy games and might require some time out to calm themselves down.

Under no circumstances should you shout at a young empath, use harsh punishments, or resort to abusive tactics such as name-calling. These approaches are destructive anyway, but when the child in question is an empath, they are likely to cause long-lasting damage. If you lose your temper, apologize immediately. Take full responsibility for your own conduct.

Create Soothing Environments Make sure that an empathic child has a safe space they can call their own, and allow them to retreat when they need some alone time in which to relax and recharge their batteries. If they need to spend ten or twenty minutes in their room then let them, even if you have family or friends over. Empathic children may require more time to wind down and get ready for sleep at the end of a busy day. Their nervous systems are more easily stimulated than those of typical children, and just telling them to get into bed and close their eyes is unlikely to result in a good night’s rest! It’s a good idea to schedule a bedtime routine to help them relax. For example, you could prepare them a bath with calming essential oils, tell them a familiar bedtime story, and encourage them to reflect on the best things that happened that day.

Help Them Prepare for The Harsher Realities of Life Caring for an empathic child can be heartbreaking at times because their gentle, kind hearts are easily bruised when they realize how much suffering exists in the world. They are also more susceptible to hurt feelings if and when an argument breaks out in their social circle. An empathic child might struggle to understand why other children seem to hurt one another because they could never behave in such a cruel manner. It’s natural and normal, as a parent or caregiver, to try to shield a child from pain. Unfortunately, although it may work in the short term, you will be doing them a disservice in the long run. An empath who is not taught how to work with their gift and handle their emotions early in life is at risk for depression, anxiety, and confusion on when they come up against the harsh realities of the world. You cannot solve the world’s problems, but you can keep the lines of communication open with your child. When they pick up on signs of tension and emotional turmoil, whether it’s at home or school, give them the chance to talk about it. Encourage them to express themselves fully – feelings are there to be felt, after all. It’s far healthier to teach them coping strategies early on. This empowers them because they know that they can handle almost anything life throws their way.

Give Them Practical Techniques They Can Use So how can you equip a young empath with the tools they need to thrive in a harsh world? First, teach them how to meditate, and the importance of taking at least a few minutes each day to ground themselves. Children are more receptive to new ideas than adults, and you probably won’t have to spend much time and energy persuading them to try it out. Why not schedule joint meditation time each day? This will not only help them develop a positive habit that will last a lifetime, but it will also deepen your bond. Second, help them learn to verbalize their emotions, to give them a name, and understand how others’ feelings exert a direct effect on their moods. Emphasize that it’s important to choose healthy friends who are usually happy and to spend time with people who leave them feeling energized instead of down. Unfortunately, empaths of all ages are favorite targets for energy vampires and abusers of all kinds. Teach your young empath how to build boundaries, to set their own standards for relationships, and to walk away from people who wish them harm. Make a point of telling them that they can always come to you if they want or need advice on how to handle a toxic friend or bully. Practice saying “No,” and use role play to rehearse how your child can extricate themselves from difficult situations. Model the kind of behavior you want to see in your child. Do not deny your own feelings, make time for yourself when you get overwhelmed, and draw firm boundaries when others try to take advantage of you. Children are keen observers, and they look to their parents and caregivers for guidance.

If you are living in a home where two or more people frequently get into fights, take steps to address the problem. Young empaths pick up on tension in their living environment, and this can result in serious psychological and physical illness. Family counseling may be necessary in some situations.

Teenage Empaths The teen years are challenging for almost everyone, and they pose special challenges for empaths. It is natural and normal for teens to seek acceptance from their peers, to break away from their families, and create their own identities. It is normal to experience heightened, turbulent emotions during this period. However, normal teenage problems can spiral into long-lasting psychological turmoil for an unsupported young empath. Peer pressure is a real problem for teenagers. In their desire to gain their peers’ approval, they may agree to take part in risky activities such as drinking, smoking, underage sex, and reckless driving. Fear of peer rejection can drive even mature empaths to put themselves in danger. For their own protection, they must understand the importance of strong boundaries and saying “No.” If they haven’t developed this ability by the time, they enter adolescence, don’t worry. It’s never too late to learn. Depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems often surface for the first time in adolescence. This means that young empaths may have to deal not only with their own mental health problems but also those of their friends. As naturally caring individuals, they will feel inclined to offer a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. This is an admirable response, but the young empath can soon feel overwhelmed by the sheer strength of a friend’s emotions. A transparent, nonjudgmental approach is best. Educate your teen about the difference between normal teenage emotions and adolescent mental health problems. Teach them how to spot signs of mental illness in themselves and others, and tell them where and how to get help. Bear in mind that they might not feel comfortable talking to you, so tell them that you will not be offended if they choose to seek guidance elsewhere.

If they are supporting a friend, praise their kindness but, at the same time, emphasize the importance of setting personal boundaries. If their friend is draining their own emotional reservoirs, it’s time to point them in the direction of professional help. Reassure your teen that they cannot be expected to “save” their friend and, sometimes, calling on the services of a qualified adult is the best step to take. In summary, the early years of an empath’s life are key to their wellbeing as adults. Young empaths quickly realize that they hold special abilities. If they are not supported by the adults around them, an empath can feel lonely or even alienated from others. Fortunately, with gentle guidance and nurturing, they will come to appreciate and enjoy their amazing gift.

Chapter 59: Being Empathic Vs Being an Empath The definition of empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When you are an empathic person you have the capability of acknowledging what someone else is going through and offer genuine concern and compassion, perhaps even going through it emotionally yourself. When someone else is expressing a feeling or an emotion as they talk about their life circumstances or a current issue they may be having, your ability to feel their pain is an act of empathy. Empathy is an amazing skill and gift that we should all try to nurture. We are all people living our lives looking for hope and happiness. When you share your feelings with others you are sharing a part of yourself and your story. What we all want is to feel that others will hear us and make us feel welcome, secure, and part of a community. Being an empathic person allows you to have that energy of affirmation that none of us is alone and we are all sharing a life story together. Being an Empath is different. When you are able to sense and feel another person, place, or thing as if it were your own experience, emotion, or pain, it is altogether another story. An Empath is a person who can viscerally feel, either through the emotions, the physical body, or the intuitive sense, how someone else is feeling. This can be a very challenging thing to experience, especially if you are not fully aware of your gift and how it can affect you. The Empath will struggle with determining which feelings and emotions belong to them, and which belong to other people and the world around them. It happens to be a very direct influence and even if you think that you are just an emotional person, the Empath is actually someone who absorbs the energy of emotions into their own senses and lives with that energy

inside of them. If you cannot determine the difference between someone else’s sorrow and your own, you can have a very troubled and difficult life as an Empath. Empaths are highly sensitive to more than just feelings and emotions. They can also be heavily influenced by aromas and odors, loud noises and crowded places, bright lights, and a variety of stimulants, like alcohol, drugs, caffeine, and sugar. Whether it comes from an innate disposition from childhood and early life programming or is gained as a skill over time as an adult, being and becoming an Empath has its challenges as well as its gifts. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, then you are probably an Empath and not just empathic: 1.

Do you often have emotional ups and downs, highs and lows?

2. Are you always taking care of other people’s needs and not your own? 3.

Do you painfully feel greater world issues, like a crisis, disaster,

environmental damage, news in general? 4.

Are you sensitive to certain odors, environments, or foods?

5.

Do you react strongly to certain individuals in your life, feeling

drained or exhausted after an encounter with them? 6.

Are you a regular customer of any medication that helps you feel

relaxed, calm, or less anxious? 7. Do you have anxiety and worry about a lot of people or situations, even when it isn’t about your own life matters? 8. Are there times where you feel too tired to see people, knowing that they will make you feel more tired and depressed?

9. When you get excited about something good in your life, does it quickly change in attitude if someone close to you has another emotion to express about it? 10.

When you have a friend in your life who has a lot of

emotional drama and baggage, are you often the person that they turn to for help, even at the expense of your own feelings and personal life highs and lows? 11. When you are in pursuit of something important to you, is it usually sidetracked by other people’s needs or feelings? 12.

Are there times when you feel too overwhelmed to leave

the house? 13.

Do large crowds of people make you feel uncomfortable,

anxious, or fearful? 14.

When you are in a group situation with close friends, do

you have to leave after a certain period of time so that you don’t feel drained emotionally or physically? 15.

Do you tend to be more introverted than extroverted?

16. Is it hard for you to feel relaxed or productive at work in large groups, or in under certain environmental conditions, like fluorescent lighting, other people’s perfumes, and challenging employee dynamics? 17. Do you live alone because it feels more relaxing for you, or do you keep to yourself in a situation with housemates? 18.

Are there times when you feel headachy, or flu-like

symptoms after spending time with certain family members or friends? 19. enjoy?

Are certain relationship dynamics a challenge for you to

20.

Do loud noises make you uncomfortable, to the point of

avoiding loud environments or situations? You may not have answered yes to every question and you will have already identified if you are a true Empath if several of these situations rang true for you. Empaths are highly sensitive both emotionally and physically, as well as intuitively and so there are certain experiences and relationship dynamics that feel a little more challenging as a result of this. The key to embracing the gift of being an Empath without hurting yourself in the process is to understand how it works and develop your skill so that you can live a happy and fulfilling life while being a very gifted and sensitive person. It is a truly powerful thing to be able to sense another’s feelings, and it is not without its challenges. Understanding how empathy works for the Empath will allow you to better understand your gift so that you can control it and use it wisely.

Chapter 60: Being an Empath: Good or Bad So, in the subject of good vs, bad, being an Empath is too complex to be one or the other, and as with all things in life, it can swing both ways. You have to be ready to live your life with truth, acknowledging your gifts and embracing them, while also learning to control the negative side effects, overcome fears, and create healthy boundaries with other people, places, and things in your life that can keep you out of balance with your true self. How well can you truly live your life if you are always connected to everyone else’s baggage? The simple answer is, you can’t, no matter how earnestly you think or believe you are doing something good for your family and friends. Be careful of becoming a martyr; it isn’t a healthy place to exist either. Empaths are often wanted for their listening skills and caregiving abilities and the desire to feel wanted and needed in this way can prevent the healthy reality all Empaths need; feelings of their own and selfesteem without the energy of others feeding it. Empaths are listeners. They can be all sorts of joy, being outgoing and enthusiastic and generally bubbly. Let’s not forget the heyoka empath literally known for being humorous when you least expect it. Their journey can be one of emotional bliss, but it can also be one of emotional turmoil since empaths can be weighed down with mood swings galore. This is because their moods are not always their own. If empaths don’t fully understand and differentiate their own thoughts and feelings from those of others, they can have fluctuating mood swings that literally change with the speed of flicking a switch on and off. As with the good, being an empath can come with feelings of depression, anxiety, panic, fear, and sorrow. Without having any control over these

feelings, you can be experiencing the suffering of others. It’s a very difficult thing to have to handle and shouldn’t be done so alone. This is where compassion comes in. An empath should have at least one person they can turn to in the throes of these mood swings because being left alone can be detrimental to mental and physical health. Find someone, be it a friend or a partner or a family member, who you can turn to when things get too overwhelming for you. Whoever you find, make sure to tell them that all you really need from them is empathic love—the ability to show compassion without judging you. This may help you in recovery from these overwhelming moments. Most empaths, unless they have gone on their own journeys of selfdiscovery and self-acceptance, don’t actually know or understand what’s going on within. They don’t know that they’re feeling another person’s emotions like they are their own emotions. This can quite obviously lead to a myriad of feelings such as confusion, particularly if things were grand in one moment and terrible in the next. Understanding their empathic connection is a part of the journey. It’s easier for an empath to withhold their feelings and emotions than it is for others. They want to do their best not to be barraged by the feelings and emotions of others. In doing so, they often become reclusive and learn to block out these feelings. The downside of this is that they can end up bottling up their own emotions or building walls so high that they don’t ever let anyone else in. This can definitely be bad for an empath—or anyone for that matter—because the longer you allow these feelings and emotions to build up inside yourself, the more power they build up. Eventually, they can explode and leave behind a lot of damage to both the empath and those around the empath. This can create an unstable environment, a mental/emotional breakdown, and/or an actual disease.

Expressing yourself honestly is a choice, but it is a great form of healing. Cons of Being an Empath Some of these can count as pros depending on how you look at them. You’ll notice how short this list is compared to the list of pros. This is because being an empath is truly a positive blessing if you understand your gift properly. •

You are easily overwhelmed. Wherever there are lots of people, you

can be overwhelmed with the feelings and emotions emanating off of those that surround you. Sometimes you can be in a room with one person and still feel this way. This is why it is so important not to bottle things up. • Addictive personalities. Empaths are prone to looking for ways to escape or block out the emotions of others. This means that they sometimes turn toward addictive substances such as sex, drugs, and alcohol. Learning to protect yourself and your energy means that you won’t be struck with the need to escape these things. Instead, you will know how to cope with them properly. •

Media can be devastating. Some empaths turn away from media

altogether. They can feel the emotions of others so strongly that even reading a newspaper is too much for them. It is a harsh world out there. •

Empaths can pick up both mental and physical ailments that others

may suffer from. This can happen even if you don’t come into contact with the other person, depending on how strong your gift is. Needless to say, no one wants to suffer this way. •

Intuition can be hurtful when you know that someone you care about

is lying to you or keeping secrets from you. The ability to know and feel these things can be difficult, particularly if you can’t prove such things. Try

to surround yourself with people who are like minded to prevent feeling this way on a regular basis. •

We don’t really have a home. Empaths are natural wanderers. After a

certain amount of time, we can often feel foreign in places we once cherished. Our intuition implores with us to explore the great big world. Due to this, we’re rarely ever satisfied with one place, but it does mean we make brilliant travelers. Pros of Being an Empath Well, we covered the cons, which I admit were pretty bad. Now we get to look at the reasons why being an empath truly is a gift. Bear with me here, because it’s a pretty long list of reasons. •

Empaths are natural healers in many different forms: emotional,

physical, environmental, animal, you name it. They can use their touch, their voice, and their creativity to do so. Most empaths end up on a path of healing because they simply have that pull toward their profession. •

As tough as crowds may be for an empath, the small circle they often

end up building for themselves is a strong one. Once an empath makes a connection with someone, they are incredibly loyal and loving. We hold onto our loved ones tightly because we don’t want to let the good ones go. •

Okay, we already know this one, but empaths love an insane amount.

Their hearts are just bigger than most. Being so overloaded with all these feelings makes faking them difficult. • That gut instinct is extremely strong and if you listen to it, I’m pretty sure you could conquer the world if you wanted to. Listen to that sixth sense of yours because it could save you from potential dangers if it hasn’t already.

•

Along with having an extremely strong sense of intuition, we also

have amazing senses. It isn’t only emotions and feelings that are heightened. If you find yourself enjoying a myriad of sensations with a lot more intensity than those around you, you can chalk that up to being an empath. We have heightened senses that allow us to better enjoy our food, beverages, flowers, essential oils, touch, and so forth. Admittedly, these can sometimes overwhelm us, but they could also help save lives. How, you might ask? Well, if you work on increasing a certain sense, such as smell, you could be able to track down death or disease in animals, people, and/or nature. •

I know we said that the weight of other people’s emotions is a burden

and we’re really prone to lows, but we’ve also got the other end of the spectrum. We have great highs, too. Most empaths actually have a deep enthusiasm for life, and when we are enjoying it, we experience joy intensely. •

Empaths have an abundance of creativity! We think and see things

differently. Our art is not the only creative aspect of our life, but so are our experiences, situations, and prospects. Now, you’ve probably had the misfortune of being told that the way you think about and/or do things is wrong, but it’s a capacity all your own. Don’t let anyone take that unusual creativity away from you, and let it shine brightly instead. •

This Is yet another con that also turns out to be a pro, but we can’t be

lied to. We are good at reading people’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This means that we can tell when people are lying, we can tell when people aren’t okay, and we can tell when people are bad news. •

Empaths can read emotional and nonverbal cues really well. It’s a

talent in numerous places. Due to our good senses, we can even sense the

needs of those who do not speak, such as animals and plants, but also the body and babies. •

An empath generally has a craving to make the world a better place.

This isn’t a desire that you should ever feel ashamed of. We are capable of bringing plenty of positive changes to this world, and when we can, we should. There are already too many people turning blind eyes. Let’s work on correcting the wrongs happening around us—together. •

It’s especially important for us to change the world considering our

pull to it. We are children of nature. It’s one of the best ways to de-stress, and it can provide peace and comfort. •

To some, this might seem more like a con, but find that it’s pretty cool

to be able to recharge on our own. We require a certain level of alone time to recuperate. It is because of this that we are self-aware, and think it’s great to be self-aware. Empaths are often looking for balance and structure when it comes to their gifts. It isn’t easy to have such strong sensitivities and if you are doing little to take care of yourself in these situations, you will become physically and emotionally exhausted by taking on so much of the other energies around you whether or not they are good. The quality of life that you can live as an Empath will give you all of the good reasons in the world to embrace the challenges of such a gift. The world needs more Empaths, especially those that are confident and secure in their skills and can provide deeper insight and wiser knowing to those who need that kind of help and ability. People who are Empaths can offer their gifts in a professional or a personal setting and give others a helping hand when they need someone to be a good listener and understand at a deep level what is really going on under

the surface. All people are looking for balance and happiness, and Empaths are gifted at s

showing others what they need to know to get there,

as long as the Empath is secure in their gifts, confident in their skills, and unafraid to be such a sensitive being. The bad news is that if you are not able to recognize the other person’s feelings as being different from your own, you take on too much of another and you blur the lines of reality for yourself and the person you are talking to. Without boundaries, an Empath will suffer and it will be harder to represent the self clearly, or at all. An Empath can lose their identity by “fixing” other people’s problems. This can extend to other types of Empathy as well, but the main concern is the absorption of other people’s feelings, identities, and realities while you are with them. It can be hard to see through the chaotic energies of many individuals that you have carried around with you, gathering them up like a cloud of debris and emotional pollution.

Chapter 61: Empathic Listening Techniques Of all of the talents an Empath possesses, listening may be one of the most notable. Listening skills are effective in any situation and are what help us to engage more fully with the world around us. When you can hear what is going on, you can participate more closely and provide a keener sense of understanding. You can also hear things on another level- things that are unspoken but nevertheless still communicating to us through body language, gestures, facial expressions, and energy. For the Empath, listening comes naturally and so does absorbing energy from the person you are talking to. This can mean that you end up taking on a lot of negativity, anger, frustration, and other uncomfortable emotions. As you start to feel the effects of these feelings, it can make it harder to listen well and comfortably. The ability to listen can get upset by the emotional energy of the people around you and can distort your emotional state as well. Finding your tactics for listening from the heart can be helpful, and with a little practice, you can learn how to compliment being a heartfelt listener while still protecting and shielding your energy from being disrupted from the negativity involved. All you have to do is practice these techniques. As an Empath myself, I have tried a variety of techniques and models to help me find the best approach to being a better empathic listener without feeling drained by other people’s emotions. You can use one or all of these methods to help you better explore the best ways to provide you with grounding and centeredness while taking in, and not taking on, the feelings of the people in your life. As you read, try to keep in mind that some of these techniques will work better in some

situations than in others. Use your intuition and your best judgment to decide.

Eye Contact and Lip Reading You would be surprised at how many people talk to each other and don’t make eye contact. Often when someone is telling a story, they will look in a variety of directions, looking for their thoughts, their memories, the information they want to tell you, and so on. They might also be avoiding eye contact because of insecurity or they are avoiding details to their story, intentionally leaving out things they don’t want you to know. You can tell a lot about a person based on the amount of eye contact they are willing to make. Empaths may feel a need to protect themselves by making less eye contact and just listening to words. The eyes are the window to the soul and if you are already feeling intense emotions radiating off of the person you are speaking to, then you are probably wanting to keep your distance by limiting how deeply you are peering into their soul. The amazing thing is that focusing on someone’s eyes can actually help you stay grounded and centered so that you can be a better listener. When you are only focusing on one point on someone’s face, you are that much more capable of hearing all of the words they are speaking to you. You can perceive more of their tender feelings and perhaps see more deeply beyond the surface of what they are communicating. The eyes speak volumes and carry a lot of information without the use of words. If you are practicing listening from the heart, look into the eyes of another because this is where your heart can connect to theirs. The eyes will show you what they are communicating non-verbally so that you can listen on a deeper level. Words are words, and they will explain a lot, but they might not explain everything. The eyes register so many different thoughts and feelings; they have their own “body language”.

With the eyes are representing the deeper emotional layers, the lips are making the words form and have a voice. You can better and more clearly hear what someone is saying if you can see what they want you to hear. Lip reading is a skill that comes with a good deal of practice. Many deaf people use lip reading to “hear” people when they are talking. You can also use lip reading if you are not deaf to improve your listening skills. You may be thinking, how can watching someone’s mouth make me a better, more heartfelt listener? The answer is that when you are giving your time and energy to focusing on everything someone is saying, then you can truly hear their voice, their feelings, their emotions, without congesting the experience with outside influences, other people, your own thoughts and feelings, and more. Lip reading grants you an opportunity to harness your focus and intentions. You are there to listen and as an Empath, you may be more naturally drawn to the other elements of the conversation, like how the person is feeling energetically, or whether or not the waiter remembered your order because he seemed so tense, or if your car was parked in no parking zone, because you forgot to check. Distractions make it harder to listen well and so when you are focusing on meeting the eyes and reading the lips, then you are truly listening. Heartfelt listening naturally occurs when you are able to focus and especially if you are an empathic person when you use this technique. The next question that usually comes up is, how can I make eye contact and lip-read at the same time? It’s actually quite simple and comes with practice as well. Fortunately, the eyes and the mouth are not too far apart from each other and so you can take in most of the face all at once. While you are maintaining eye contact you can use peripheral vision to absorb the

movement of the lips as they are talking. You may notice that it isn’t difficult at all, to see both at once. Practice with a partner, friend, or loved one, or even try it by watching yourself talk in the mirror. The opening of the heart to another comes through the windows to the soul and the voice of their truth. You can use this technique to help you gain clear focus and attention as you are listening from the heart and keeping yourself connected without absorbing unwanted emotional energy. Having something to focus on can actually help keep you grounded, so remember to listen with your eyes.

Hearing Their Wants vs. Needs While you are practicing listening with your eyes, you can also practice looking for keywords that help you understand the person on a deeper level. Many of us will start to describe a situation and within our story describe certain feelings or conditions of the situation. As we do so we start to paint a picture of what it is we want vs. what it is we need. So, what’s the difference anyway? A want is something that is desired, hoped for, longed for, sometimes repressed and never spoken of. A want is that which tells the truth of what we are feeling about how our lives should look to us and not how they are represented under the current conditions. A need is what has to happen in order for you to feel safe, secure, relaxed, alive, surviving and thriving. Everyone has basic needs and when those needs are not being met, it can be hard for us to have the wants we desire. The problem is in the question: what do they want vs. what do they need? Being able to discern these two variables helps you become not only a better listener but more capable of helping someone resolve their issues without getting too involved. Empaths tend to want to just feel the feelings because they are naturally inclined to do so and when you are only just relating to the emotions and not offering a good listening ear with possible solutions, both of you will wallow in emotions for the rest of the conversation. The key to heartfelt listening is to establish how to be present, how to hear what someone is truly saying, and how to process the feelings without taking them on as your own. Using this skill of hearing wants vs. needs can come in handy for this very thing. So, how can you hear the difference between the two? Let’s use a quick example:

Mary is down and out. She had a great job and just got fired. She hasn’t had a good job like that in her life and is now worried she won’t find anything else as good for her needs. She has to make enough for the mortgage and bills plus taking care of her kids and what they want and need. Her husband hasn’t worked in over a year because her job was paying so well and he got to have more time to himself which she doesn’t get to have much of anymore since she has been the breadwinner. She realizes her kids are growing up so fast and he isn’t even spending that much time with them despite not working. All she needs is for him to get a part-time job and she can find something else and start working her way up again until he doesn’t have to work anymore which is how he acts all of the time anyway. She just needs one good lead to keep them afloat while Bob finds a little something to help them with their mortgage and the kids. Seeing this example offers several opportunities to understand Mary’s wants vs. her needs. Let’s break it down, one sentence at a time: 1.

Mary is down and out.

Mary wants to feel happy and good about life. 2.

She had a great job and just got fired.

Mary wants to feel secure and supported by her career. 3.

She hasn’t had a good job like that in her life and is now worried she

won’t find anything else as good for her needs. Mary needs a certain amount of income to support herself and needs to find something as good or better than the job she just lost. 4.

She has to make enough for the rent and bills plus taking care of her

kids and what they want and need.

Mary needs to calculate her expenses to make sure there is enough to pay for everything and find a job that will accommodate those needs. 5.

Her husband hasn’t worked in over a year because her job was paying

so well and he got to have more time to himself which she doesn’t get to have much of anymore since she has been the breadwinner. Mary wants more time to herself, too, just as her husband has had for the past year. Mary wants her husband to balance her needs. 6. She realizes her kids are growing up so fast and he isn’t even spending that much time with them despite not working. Mary wants to spend more time with her children and needs a job that can allow for some of that time. 7.

All she needs is for him to get a part-time job and she can find

something else and start working her way up again until he doesn’t have to work anymore which is how he acts all of the time anyway. Mary needs and wants her husband to start picking up the slack so that he can also support their family and give her some more time with the kids. 8.

She just needs one good lead to keep them afloat while Bob finds a

little something to help them with their mortgage and the kids. Mary wants to find the right job and needs to find it soon to help them stay secure while she resolves her husband’s unemployment issue. Looking at this example, you can identify the difference between the wants and the needs in Mary’s situation. In the actual conversation you may have with her, she might not directly state that she wants Bob to find a job, but when you are reading between the lines, listening for wants and needs, and observing her eyes and use of language, you will quickly find out that what Mary really wants is more support from her husband and more time with

her children and that she needs him to start being proactive about it with her so that they don’t fall behind in their financial matters. Once you get the hang of listening between the lines and looking for ways to identify the wants and needs of a friend or even a stranger, you are better able to help them from a place of compassion and empathy, without judgment or taking on any of their deeper feelings. Again, having a focus, as with looking at the eyes and lips, or searching for specific words, can help the Empath remain balanced and grounded so that they are not pulling in too much of the emotional feedback coming from Mary and her scenario with work and family matters. Wants and needs are similar but different and if you are better able to listen attentively for these parts of a person, you can offer the more heartfelt approach because you took the time to really listen to what they are truly looking for in their life. Sometimes people need an outside perspective from a good listener who can say, “what it sounds like your saying is that you want and need your husband to help you out more right now. Have you talked to him about how you feel, or has he offered to look for work to help you?” Whatever the story is, helping someone see their own truth is a part of listening to their wants and needs. It can sometimes take an empathic friend for a person to realize what they are really wanting and needing, and you can be the supportive and heartfelt listener to help them discover that truth.

Chapter 62: Empath Friends and Family People in our life are important. We need people to feel whole and happy. Human connection is of such a strong value to an individual person that without it we feel alone and depressed. We have a wide circle of what is considered blood relatives and the family we make through our closest friendships. Family isn’t something that you choose; you are born to specific people and you gain their genetic makeup. You form lasting bonds with your family, whether they are loving and compassionate, or hurtful and challenging. Our parents and siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents and elders and everyone else in between, make up your blood relatives that you either know or you don’t, but that you always have connected to you. We build our friendships from a lot of our daily life experiences. Some friends may be from childhood that we never let go of; others we encounter magically on the street one day and happen to strike up a conversation that never ends. Some of our friends come through friends of friends, of other friends; others we find where we are least expecting it. Friendships come and go and some last for a lifetime. For the Empath, the close relationships they have can feel stronger than others. You may be able to ignore the challenging coworker, or the stranger in the grocery store who is yelling at the cashier in the line next to you, but your friends and family are part of your circle of life and you have a connection to them, sometimes whether you like it or not. As an Empath you may feel the intensity of these relationships more as you grow older and realize your gift. What seemed like frustration or discomfort in early life with either of your parents and caregivers or any of your

siblings, could have been caused by your empathic ability. As you grow older and gain more awareness about what it is to be an Empath, you may start to recognize patterns in your life that you have carried into your friendships that cause you some distress, discomfort or imbalance. You may have some friends that you are not close to but who are a part of your circle of close friends and every time you are around those people, you may end up leaving strained or stressed and always wondering why you can never hit it off with that particular person, or why they seem to not like you as well as your other friends. There are many ways these relationship dynamics can show up in the life of an Empath. To understand how your family relationships and friendships affect your energy, ask yourself some of these questions: 1. Are you avoiding your mother or father when they try to reach out to you to catch up or talk about your life or their life? 2.

Do you have a physical reaction, including breaking out in hives, or

having an allergic reaction, after being around any of your family members? 3.

Does your mother or father look to you for advice on a regular basis

instead of handling their problems on their own? 4. When you are at a family gathering do you feel calm or overly anxious, or have panic attacks? 5. Do you self-medicate when you are around family and not really anywhere else, with alcohol, drugs, or prescription medication? 6. Do you often feel emotionally triggered when you spend time with your family and then have memories of childhood that you had forgotten about?

7. When you are hanging out with your friends do you like to show up early and leave early to give yourself the best chance of avoiding an energy drain? 8.

If you have a friend over to your house do you find yourself listening

to them talk endlessly about their problems or their life without asking you anything in return? 9.

Are you the “good listener” in your friend group, or the shoulder to

cry on? 10. Do you fight with any of your friends regularly and then make amends, going back and forth between feeling good and feeling at odds? 11. Are there times in your life when a particular friend or family member calls you or asks you to hang out and you repeatedly tell them that you are busy? 12.

Do you have to recuperate after hanging out with any of your friends

either solo, or from group activities? 13.

Are there friendships that you question whether or not you should try

to maintain because of how you end up feeling after spending time together? 14.

Is your history with your family dynamic still showing up in your

adult life without any healing or growth? If you have answered yes to all of these questions then you are likely an Empath. Many people experience ups and downs in all of their family and friend relationships, but it is the Empath that takes on all the feelings of the whole family and all of the feelings of the friend, or friends’ energy. This can be very exhausting and put unnecessary strain on the friendship, especially if you have not yet identified that you are an Empath. It might be

like a light switch turning on a big, bright light when you realize the cause of why certain relationships in your life feel more toxic or challenging than others. Often it isn’t you; it is that you are capable of hearing, feeling and sensing what lies under the surface of most people and situations. There are certainly wonderful people in our lives that may have more difficulty processing their emotions and need more help and guidance from a friend and creating a healthy energetic balance is the role of the Empath. When you are engaging in good grounding and energy clearing you are better able to help a friend in need as they process a life experience or emotional upheaval. The same is true of your family members. It is the dynamic of chronic energy vampires who you live with as children and adults, who deplete your energy and then leave you feeling unhappy, exhausted and like you can’t reach the surface for a breath of fresh air. We all need people in our lives, whether they be family or friend, however in the daily life of an Empath it is up to you to learn how to treat your own energy well before you offer it to another for love and support.

Chapter 63: The Empath in Love & Sex

Empath in Sex Empath sex sounds like something out of a science fiction movie. Two people, touching palms and having outlandish orgasms just through touching each other’s hands. But in reality, it’s normal sex…with a twist. The Empath in love has to be more careful about feeling their own feelings and realizing when their partner is feeling something different. When it comes to sex, we are all on edge because of how strong the sensation is. Connection to another person through sexual acts is about the closest you can possibly get to another person’s energy. Relationships are already rather exciting and dramatic, but when you involve the sexual act, you are taking it to a whole other level Empaths are no different from other people; they just have a heightened sense of reading and feeling energy. It can be emotional, physical, and so on, as you learned about from the different types of being an Empath. Take what you have learned about the Empath so far and apply it to sex. There will be awkward feelings. There will be vulnerability and insecurity. There will be passion, desire, and romance. There will be playfulness and roughness. There will be tenderness and sweetness. All of these emotions and sensations will be present in one way or another during the sexual act and for an Empath, they will feel all of these emotions as a higher vibration of excitement and pleasure. Even when it feels awkward, it will be a lot better than the awkward conversation you have

with a total stranger who has no idea what to say to you at the holiday office party. Sex is pleasurable and sometimes it’s not, and just like anyone else, the Empath will feel the intensity of it when things feel off and uncomfortable. The key to understanding the Empath and sex is to recognize the quality of how Empaths relate to all people’s energy. There will be a more serious connection and bond and there will be a greater intensity of feeling and emotions for an Empath. It can result in feeling more bonded to a person than the other person feels, which can lead to issues of heartache and challenges in letting go of someone who was only interested in a fling. Empaths are naturally more emotional and more sensitive, and so sex feels deeper and more connected, most of the time, but not always. There are plenty of different ways for the Empath to enjoy sex, but the best way to feel confident about your sexual partnerships is to remember to stay grounded and centered in yourself and not forget that what you are feeling strongly is also the aspects of orgasmic relief from yourself and the other person, and that there will always be a stronger energy for you as a result of your physical and emotional connection. Being an Empath is a gift and can even bring more excitement, pleasure, and joy into your sex life. The Empath in love is a challenging feeling and energy and should be carefully navigated so that you don’t end up living your life as a person who doesn’t receive love as much as they give it. You are so special and all of the ways that you learn how to support your empathic gifts will help you thrive and enjoy life in a whole new way.

Empath in Love There are certainly some very common romance patterns that can occur for Empaths and other people. The best way to understand these patterns is to describe them to you through some helpful examples. The Narcissist and the Empath This relationship is a highly common occurrence. Many people who are Empaths end up linked to the narcissist because of how the relationship begins. Narcissists are notorious for “love bombing” their partner and making them feel incredibly special and loved, careful not to reveal any of their true nature right away. Narcissism is actually a clinical problem with varying degrees of intensity and levels of neediness. Narcissists need someone to fawn over them at all times. They want someone to compliment them endlessly, even if they have done nothing to warrant that. They are egomaniacs with a complete lack of empathy. The perfect person for them is the one who will always fulfill their needs and give them whatever they want at all times. The perfect partner is the one who will act as a caregiver to their every emotional need and will foster their delusions of grandeur and magical thinking. The perfect romantic partner is the Empath. The Empath will be easily seduced by the Narcissist because they will be made to feel so special and like all of their needs are being cared for. It is the initial “love bombing” that bonds the pair together and secures the empathic partner to the narcissist and their needs. After a short “honeymoon” period, the narcissist begins to demand more from their partner and the Empath delivers because it is in their nature to do so.

Narcissists are very coercive and manipulative and convince the Empath that they are in the wrong should they ever suggest that their partner might be mistaken or out of line. It can lead to several different types and levels of emotional abuse and trauma for the Empath partner. This type of relationship happens when you are not regularly taking good care of your energy or are not fully aware of how other people affect your energy and emotional state. It’s all rose-colored in the beginning, but the Narcissist is manipulating you into being the perfect person to give them what they want, and the Empath is naturally fond of attending to other people’s needs. It is a toxic match and occurs regularly. Be mindful of how you explore your romantic partnerships in the beginning. Make sure you are sensing and feeling your own emotions and aren’t falling into the trap of an egotistical and narcissistic partner. Empath + Empath = Good / Bad The Empath with another Empath can one of two ways: amazing and wonderful because you are both so gifted at sharing your feelings and attending to each other’s needs, or awful and terrible because neither one of you is aware of how powerful your ability to absorb emotions is. Two Empaths together can be a beautiful and romantic experience. When you are with a partner who understands what it is like to feel so intensely and to perceive the feelings of their partner so clearly, you can grow and relate to each other so much more effectively. There can be ease between you because you are both so in tune with each other’s needs that you are rarely left wanting or lacking emotional support. The other side of this stick is that if you are involved when an Empath who has no control over their gift and who is always in on an emotional

rollercoaster because of it, guess who gets to go on the ride in the seat next to them? If your empathic partner is not able to handle their gift and rarely uses any techniques or tools to stay in balance, they will struggle and suffer regularly. As an Empath yourself, you will understand this quality of dealing with other people’s feelings and energy and may offer to support and help your partner find ways to balance and feel grounded, and they may find swift results. If they choose not to nurture their ability to feel and sense feelings and emotions from other people, then they will be locked in a constant battle between their own energy and needs, and everyone else’s. And you, their Empath partner will feel the results of that. It can be a very challenging experience when you can both feel each other so strongly and no one will make a change and work to heal the issues that can be a part of the Empath experience. I have lived with an Empath as a partner for several years and know all too well what it can be like when things get out of balance. It is a very intense and challenging reality and it requires a lot of checking in, communicating, and taking care of each other’s energy just as much as we take care of our own. The gift of being with another Empath can be very special and unique and is worth it to explore the gift of such a bond. The key is to use tools and techniques to help you stay grounded, balanced, and listening from the heart. The Loner with a Closed-Off Heart Not every empath is gung-ho about being in a relationship. For some, the idea of getting close to another person sounds too challenging and too hard of an experience to explore. Empaths who have had a lot of hard relationship experiences as a result of their gift will be careful not to get

involved too easily. It can feel a lot safer to just enjoy life alone with a few casual relationships sporadically throughout life. In most cases though, people want to find a loving partnership to enjoy and this relationship pattern may feel like a good choice for the Empath to avoid serious emotional upheaval in their lives, but it can also be very hard to experience loneliness when you are closing off your heart out of protection. My first 30 years of life as an Empath was like this. I was alone and didn’t really date anyone at all. I would only occasionally have a partner that would last for 6 months or less because of how challenging it was to always be feeling their emotional energy. I didn’t realize at the time, at least not in the early days, that I was empathically drawn to certain types of people who were easier for me to reject, as a way to protect myself from getting too deeply involved. This is a sign of a closed-off heart love pattern. It is easier to choose people who you know are not good for you so that it will prevent you from falling in love and potentially becoming more vulnerable to their emotional energy than you are wanting to be. It is a tactic used by many who are scared to get too close to anyone because of deeper emotional wounds and as we get older it can get harder to break these patterns. The loner Empath can find the love they deserve and want to have by embracing their gifts and understanding that they can choose the right partner for them and open their heart by being clear with themselves about what their empathy does for them and to them, while also sharing their sensitivities and needs with their partners. All Empath relationships vary and are different because all people are unique and different. These common patterns for the Empath are to show you ways to help yourself find the best romantic situations through your

maintenance and embrace of your gifts of feeling, empathy, and compassion. Many people may be drawn to you because of your talent for loving, caring and nurturing, but it doesn’t always make them a healthy choice. Get grounded with your energy to explore a balanced and healthy bond with another as an Empath. Even once you are an adult, being in a family can take its toll. This is true whether you live at home with a relative or have created a family of your own. Empaths who decide to have children may be overwhelmed. Their selfless nature can cause them to give everything they have to their children, neglecting their own needs. This can become problematic. Empaths will struggle with administering boundaries and punishment because they want to make their children happy. Additionally, children do not have the mental capacity to respect space. Teaching them young and making it a habit to have alone time is critical to an empath maintaining their own health. Familial relationships are different from friendships and romantic relationships because people do not get to choose their family. Some empaths flourish staying connected and close to their family as adults, while others may choose to estrange their family or limit contact. It is not uncommon for empaths to avoid familial gatherings, especially since most families have at least one person that is especially unpleasant to be around during the holidays. This might be the grandfather who is overly critical of what everyone is doing in life or the aunt who never stop rambling about her medical problems. If empaths do go to family gatherings, they often take their own vehicle, so they are not obligated to stay if they become overwhelmed. A family’s acceptance of the empath’s abilities may also

influence whether they choose to maintain a strong bond with their family as an adult. Some families are naturally more accepting than others. How Being an Empath Affects Relationships? Navigating traditional relationships can prove overwhelming for some empaths. The average relationship is built after spending time together, having new experiences, and developing a familiarity with someone. However, empaths may struggle with this togetherness in relationships, even those that they have developed. As empaths are deeply in tune with the emotional vibrations of the world around them, they may be oversensitive in relationships and become upset with the way their partner is feeling without knowing why. Empaths may also be offended easily or quickly become overwhelmed with the closeness. A common obstacle that empaths experience in relationships, even healthy ones, is finding the time to be alone and process feelings. This is especially true as the relationship progress and the couple decides to live together. Having a constant connection to someone else’s emotions, and processing them as well as your own, can be overwhelming. This causes the average empath in a relationship to withdraw and feel anxious or overloaded. These feelings, accompanied by a lack of physical space, can quickly become overwhelming. As the other person picks up on the empath distancing themselves, they may question them about it or try to spend more time together, when the reality is that the empath needs to be left alone to recharge. Even though relationships can be challenging for empaths, this does not mean that you are doomed to be forever alone. Empaths can have successful relationships when the traditional sense of a relationship, one where both partners are constantly spending time together, is redefined. Empaths must

choose partners who understand their need for physical space to be happy in a relationship. This is especially true during times of conflict, when two people may nitpick and fight with each other instead of taking the time to be alone and calm down before coming back together. Some empaths have an innate need to heal others and they seek out relationships with people who are damaged in some way, such as emotional vampires. Seeking out these types of relationships is self-destructive, especially when the empath chooses to turn a blind eye to their partner’s behaviors. People who want to find happiness in a partner must choose someone who is emotionally balanced and understanding. Even if the other person is not an empath themselves, they should be in tune with their empathic side and have compassion for others. The ability to compromise is another critical skill that empaths should look for in a partner.

Chapter 64: The Key to Controlling Empathy The key to controlling empathy is to make sure that you are in full awareness of yourself and your own emotions and energy. Every day, all over the world, people are experiencing all kinds of different realities, dramas, partnerships, professions, and family lives that are in flux with all of the other people going through life right beside them. It is our passion as people to understand ourselves and find solutions to our problems and our needs. With your gift of being an Empath, you can truly embrace and explore what it means to sense and feel these realities, situations, and human bonds in a deeper more heartfelt way. Being an Empath is a great responsibility and it isn’t hard to live this way if you give yourself the tools to empower your ability instead of feeling debilitated by it. There are so many different ways to help your energy stay grounded and balanced and if you continue to practice using these tools and techniques regularly, you will no longer have to think about or study what you need to do to realize your power and gift and protect your energy; it will just be something you know how to do and you will maintain your healthy life balance and sense of self while you remain connected to others through your strong empathic senses. Grounding and Protection Meditation The grounding and protection meditation will always come in handy. You can use it anywhere you are in as little as five minutes. Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed or like you are taking the brunt of someone’s energetic pollution, you can step aside and find time to gift yourself some good grounding.

The power of a simple visualization and meditation is enough to help you regain balance and keep yourself in a healthier mental and emotional state. There will be plenty of times when it is not convenient to use this meditation and so you will have to resolve your imbalances with other tactics. I find that the use of grounding and protective crystals and gemstones can be a very beneficial and useful tool. Hematite, onyx, tourmaline, obsidian, kyanite, and others are all very powerful grounding and protection stones that can be worn as jewelry or as an amulet. You can find a variety of crystals and stones at a local gem store or online and you can find a variety of other useful stones and crystals that are particularly useful for blocking energy and helping you restore your own energy and emotions to a higher and more positive frequency. Crystals and gemstones combined with the use of a grounding and protecting meditation will help you rekindle the personal balance you need to keep your Empathic abilities under control. The Listening Bubble Another method for grounding and protecting was mentioned as a useful tool for empathic and heartfelt listening but it is also very powerful as energy to help you feel safe and protected from unwanted energy and emotional distress coming from other people. Creative visualization is a powerful tool and has been scientifically proven to help people achieve their goals. Even famous Olympic athletes use visualization to win their gold medals. The more you practice, the easier it gets and the more detailed the imagery can be. The Listening Bubble can also just be called “The Bubble” and can be used not only for practicing good listening but for using your energy in a better

way. All you have to do is imagine yourself surrounded by a bubble of light that blocks out any unwanted energies. This can be most useful in one-onone and group conversations, but can also be helpful if you are on an airplane and need energetic privacy, or if you are simply trying to feel protected and safe wherever you are. I have even used “The Bubble” visualization around my car while driving down the highway because it made me feel safe and more protected from other drivers. I was better able to pay attention to where I was going and worried less about how other people were blasting down the highway. It is a versatile tool and can be used in a variety of ways for a lot of different reasons. If you feel uncomfortable anywhere you are, in a conversation or even on the highway, build a bubble around yourself and allow it to protect you. The Energy Magnet The Energy Magnet is another useful visualization tool that can help you diffuse the emotional energy that is around you. Intense or extreme personalities that are loud and too close to you, or the unwanted emotions and distress of another, can all be sucked into the energy magnet. You can picture it any way that feels easy for you. It could be a vacuum cleaner or an elephant whose trunk is sucking up all of the awkward energy. It could be an actual magnet that attracts the sensations you are feeling coming from someone else’s person. Any way that you picture it, make sure it is something you can see well with your eyes open through your third eye. Again, visualization can take practice and it can also be very fun. It is a unique way to help you redirect energy away from you and toward another idea or space in the room. You can play around with different ideas and

images until you find the one that is your usual go-to image, and then keep it that way while you are at the office, handling job interviews, talking to an angry or upset customer, and more! Affirmations of Empowerment Affirmations are the key to a lot of people’s success. Many CEOs and business elite use them as well as professional athletes and other successful public figures. Affirmations are an excellent way for you to focus your own energy and power in new and different ways. They come in all shapes and sizes and are specific to your needs and desires. It can be a creative process for you to have the affirmations of empowerment that work best for you for whatever situation you find yourself in. You can create affirmations to relate to your relationships, your work environment, and coworker relationships, your friendships and family dynamics, everything! The point is that you allow yourself the proper language to help remain calm, balanced, and secure in your own energy so that you are not taking on other people’s energy and toxicity. Affirmations are declarative statements and should be kept as simple as possible. Here are a few more examples to help you feel good about the different areas of your life that might need affirmations the most: Workplace Affirmations •

I am capable of letting go of my work relationships at the end of the

day. •

I am an empathic listener and I am also good at letting go of

conversations when I need them to end.

•

My gifts are an important part of how I do my job and I will continue

to support them to the best of my ability. •

I can ground myself whenever I need to.

•

I am good at protecting my energy around my coworkers.

Friendships Affirmations •

I am a good friend and a good listener and I expect the same from my

friends in return. • I am understanding when the drama has to be done and I know when it is a good time to change the conversation to something more positive. •

I am available to all my friends in need when I can be.

• I would like to support my friends when I know that I can support my own energy too. • I know it is okay for me to say no to my friends when I need to take better care of myself today. Family Affirmations • I am connected and bonded to my family and I let them have their own feelings and emotions that are different from mine. •

I am happiest when my family feels happy and sometimes, I have to

let them discover their happiness on their own terms. •

I am good at spending time with my family and also seeking time for

myself. •

I am connected to my relationships with my parents in new ways as

myself and it keeps feeling better for me. •

I am proud of my ability to be an Empath for my family’s needs and I

want them to honor who I am and what my gifts are.

Romantic Partnerships Affirmations •

I am capable of a healthy and balanced relationship and I want to see

someone who is looking for the same, no matter what it takes. •

I am able to express myself well in my partnership when I am

grounded and centered. •

I feel happiest when my relationships are able to let me be myself.

•

I have to be supported by my partner as much as I support them.

•

I will always take as good of care of myself as I do my romantic

partners. Sex Affirmations •

I am a sexual being and I feel things stronger than others.

•

I am able to have casual love affairs as long as I know that is what we

both are wanting. •

I am good at supporting my needs and the needs of others and can let

go of my sexual partners when the time is right. • I feel bonded and connected easily and am able to cut cords and move forward just as easily. •

Sexual communication is important to me and I value a

communicative sexual partner. All of these affirmations can help you take control of your own energy and power. You can live the life you have always wanted without getting drained or exhausted by others when you use these simple and powerful tools regularly. There are so many others you can come up with on your own. Get creative and find the ones that will work best for you! Energy Cleansing

Energy cleansing is a regular ritual. It can be done every day, multiple times a day and depending on how strong your Empath abilities are, you may need to try cleansing at least twice daily to start. Morning and night energy cleanses are my favorite and there are so many different possibilities for how it can be done. You can use cleansing methods that you already know and trust, or try any of these methods below: •

Yoga

•

Acupuncture

•

Reiki

•

Massage

•

Chakra therapies

•

Crystal and gemstone therapies

•

Smudging (incense herb bundles)

•

Walks in nature

•

Hot, salty baths

•

Meditation

•

Creative visualization

•

Painting

•

Reading

•

Listening to Music

•

Dancing

There are certainly other ways that you may already know from your own personal life. Create the routine of using energy clearing methods every day

to help you stay in balance. The more you work to shift and release all of the emotional energy you collect throughout the course of the day, the better and healthier you will feel. The Waterfall And finally, my favorite technique to block and absorb unwanted energies, the Waterfall visualization. Your eyes can see things without closing them. You can picture the idea of a stream of water floating between you and another person as you are speaking to them. Water is very calm and nurturing. It is the element of emotion. It allows you to stay open-hearted and loving, while you let other people’s feelings pass into the flowing calm waters of your imagined waterfall. This technique has worked for me so many times over the years and continues to do its job well. You may find other useful creative imaginings that are better suited to your personality. The point is not to avoid the other person and what they have to say but to shield yourself from taking on too much of what they are putting out. The more you practice seeing a way to stop the flow of their energy into yours, the easier it becomes for you to act as an intuitive and heartfelt listener. Each of these techniques and tools has come from years as a practicing Empath. I say practicing because before I knew I had this gift I was all over the map of emotions with no way to help myself stay grounded and balanced. Years of living as an Empath has taught me a great deal about how it works, how it feels, and the best ways to handle it with these simple tools and instructions. All you need is a little practice, some good quality time alone, and acceptance that your gift requires love, maintenance, and attention.

The more you embrace your gift, the better you will feel. And the more you practice these techniques, the easier it becomes for you to live a carefree, healthy, and happy life. All you need to do is look for all of the areas of your life that feel out of balance and off-center so you can examine what isn’t working for you from an empathic standpoint. The best way for you to give love to others is to first give love to yourself. When your cups are full, you can use your gifts as an Empath to fill the cups of another and help support their needs, feelings, wishes, and dreams. You are here for a purpose! Use your gift!

Chapter 65: How to Control Your Emotions? Living as an empath is like being on a constant emotional roller coaster. One minute you are fine, and the next your head is spinning in a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings, and you are not quite sure where they came from. The good news is that it is possible to control your emotions. You don’t need to live in a state of constant turmoil. Here are a few tips to assist you.

DON’T EXPECT EXPECTATIONS

EVERYONE

TO

LIVE

UP

TO

YOUR

As an empath, you’ve got strong feelings. You can tune in to what people are thinking by reading their reaction, and this can sometimes send your mind into overdrive. Have you ever spent time talking to someone only to find that you can’t get the conversation out of your head after you get home? You spend every waking moment going over the details of the topic and you end up drawing conclusions about how the person feels about you. Nine times out of ten, your brain will trick you into believing that they don’t really like you, or that they didn’t really agree with what you were saying. You might also feel disappointed that the person you were speaking to didn’t feel the same level of compassion as you. But you have to remember that first, you are a highly sensitive person, so things are going to affect you more than they are going to affect others. And second, people are always going to have different opinions—what overwhelms your heart may not overwhelm somebody else’s.

We live in a fallen world; nothing is perfect here and it never will be. Ideally, everyone should be kind and loving to one another, but as you know, that’s simply not the case. The reality is that there are wicked, narcissistic, and evil people walking the earth who can take a life without thinking twice about it. You only have to turn on the TV or open a newspaper to see how much evil takes place in the world every day. It would be magnificent for you if everyone was an empath, if everyone had the emotional capacity to shoulder the burdens of others, but this is simply not the case. You have no power over the way other people think, and there is no point in wasting your energy trying to change it. When you come to the conclusion that in general people are not going to share the same level of compassion as you, it will make your life a lot easier because you won’t spend so much time living in disappointment. You will be able to brush things off and keep moving. Not everyone is going to agree with you. In fact, some of your friends and family are going to make decisions that are in direct conflict with yours. You will decide to go one way, and they will decide to go another, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. When it happens (because it will), let it go. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and has their own life decisions to make, whether you agree with them or not. You might feel in your spirit that a friend is making the wrong choice, so unless they ask you to intervene, leave them to it. Some people will have to learn the hard way and consequence is the best teacher. When you try to convince others to do something that is against their will, you waste a lot of energy. Situations like this leave you feeling drained and exhausted. Not forcing your expectations on others is one of the most important life lessons I have learned. There is nothing more time consuming than trying to get others to see things from your point of view. It’s a waste of time,

parallel to speaking Chinese to a man who only speaks English—they will never understand! And that’s ok. When it comes to your expectations, the only person you should be concerned about living up to them is you. HAVE YOUR TOOL KIT WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES There are plenty of tools available for empaths to use in everyday situations. To make life easier for yourself, you should have them ready and available to use at all times. If you are sensitive to temperature, light, or sound and you know you have to leave the house, make sure you take what you need with you. If you drive, I would advise that you keep a spare set of these items in the car, so you don’t have to worry about packing them every time you leave the house. If you are sensitive to loud noise, carry noise-canceling headphones. If you don’t have a pair already, you can buy small discreet earbuds that you can wear in any environment. Carry a sweater, cardigan, or t-shirt in case the temperature changes. Empaths can find it distressing when they are too hot or too cold. Preparation is your best defense against protecting your energy. You will experience less anxiety when you know that you have everything you need just in case of an emergency. SET LIMITS WITH TECHNOLOGY USE Empaths may love technology more than anyone else. Since they like to isolate themselves, it allows them to communicate without being present in social situations. But it also has its downsides. When you are constantly available online, it gives energy vampires easy access to you, and that is definitely something you want to avoid. Also, people can post the most distressing and heartbreaking news on social media. In recent years, several violent deaths and suicides have been posted online. Sometimes, energy

vampires are not people, but the platforms that you are constantly scrolling. Do you ever feel drained after looking through your Instagram or Facebook feed? It is possible for you to absorb negative energy when you spend too much time online. Setting limits or abstaining from social media for a period of time can promote mental clarity and restore energy levels. Set yourself a technology time limit of 30 minutes to one hour per day. This is just enough time to do what you need to do without getting sucked into all the drama that takes place online. HOW TO RESTORE YOUR ENERGY One of the negative effects of being an empath is a constant loss of energy. You can avoid this when you need to. But a natural part of being an empath is opening your energy fields for the greater good, which will leave you feeling drained. The good news is that there are techniques you can incorporate into your life to restore your energy levels. The healing process no longer solely involves medicine and therapy; people seeking help now have a range of options to choose from. Here are a few practical techniques that can assist you in maintaining balance and restoring your energy levels. Acupuncture: Empaths often suffer from digestive issues and lower back pain because of the negative energy they carry in these areas. Acupuncture is an ancient Chinese treatment, and one of the many ways in which it works is through balancing vital energy. It involves inserting needles into certain parts of the body to promote the free flow of energy. Acupuncture improves the circulation of oxygen and blood throughout the body, which promotes energy production at the cellular level. Additionally, acupuncture improves the digestive function, which is vital to providing essential nutrients that support energy production to the body.

You may have heard of the term “chi.” Ancient Chinese practitioners use it to refer to a person’s energy or balance. Acupuncture treatment is deeply relaxing. It brings the body’s system back into alignment creating a healthy balance that enables energy levels to recover and rebuild themselves. Your mantra: Empaths possess the unique ability to read people with precision and accuracy. However, they find it difficult to understand their own emotions. Mantras are short powerful statements that remind you of your life’s direction. They are more than inspirational quotes that provoke people to take action. They are powerful words that call what you want into your reality. Some empaths will not engage in social activities or spend time with people unless they have repeated their mantra. Here are some powerful mantras that you might want to consider using: •

I control where my energy goes, and I will not allow others to take it

from me. •

I have the confidence to express what I need and defend myself when

necessary. •

I will disassociate myself from toxic situations without feeling

ashamed. Once you have chosen your mantra(s), get into the habit of saying them every day. You might feel a bit strange saying them at first because, in reality, you don’t actually believe the words that are coming out of your mouth. But the more you say them, the more you will start to believe them, and they will eventually become a part of your core belief system. I love mantras because you have full control over what you say. Spend some time defining your own mantras. You will be surprised at how much fun you have with them.

Palliative care: Palliative care is also known as “supportive care.” It is treatment, support, and care for terminally ill patients. The aim is to improve quality of life by being as active and healthy as possible in the time they have left. It can involve: •

Managing painful physical symptoms

•

Psychological, spiritual, and emotional support

•

Support for family and friends

•

Help with things such as eating, dressing, and washing

Ok, so you are probably thinking that being an empath is not a terminal illness, so how is palliative care going to help me? Well, another aspect of palliative care is palliative arts, which involves engaging in purposeful activity to add meaning and enrich life. This type of therapy involves patients dealing with their emotions through activities such as sculpting, painting, writing poetry, and listening to music. This enables them to focus on their negative emotions by expressing them in a positive light. Since empaths are typically creative people, this is a great way to relieve some of the tension associated with being a highly sensitive person. Empaths also find it difficult to express negative emotions to others, so this is another way of releasing energy that does not benefit you without the fear of being judged. Change your thought process: Your thoughts dictate your actions, so if you want to change the way you react to certain situations, you are going to have to change the way you think. This is easier said than done because our thought patterns stem from years of social conditioning. When people or situations are overstimulating, it is easy to ignore it or justify it by accepting that this is “just the way things are,” when in reality, you should have taken some type of action. There are also going to be times when you are so used

to helping other people that compassion has become your crutch. For example, a friend of yours is in an abusive relationship. Every other week she is calling you crying about the latest fight she just had with her boyfriend. You keep telling her to get out of the relationship, but she keeps going back. You keep answering the phone even though speaking to her is draining because you feel her pain and want to help her to overcome it. But the reality of the situation is that there is nothing you can practically do to help her; she has to make her own decisions. By changing the way, you think about things, you change your reality. The way you look at situations and your tolerance levels will also change. No longer will you allow people to treat you as a dumping ground for their problems. The bottom line is that your mind is not a trash can, and when people are constantly offloading their issues onto you that’s what they are indirectly saying. Remember, garbage in, garbage out. Whatever you allow into your system consistently is what is going to come out. One of the main reasons empaths always feel depleted is because they let too many people dump their rubbish onto them. You will start recognizing your own selfdestructive behavioral patterns and adjust them before they start to have a negative effect on your life.

Chapter 66: Learning How to Set Boundaries Everyone, highly sensitive or not, needs to draw up and maintain healthy boundaries in their relationships. Boundaries let other people know what you will and will not accept from them. For example, in a healthy relationship, both people have boundaries they erect to keep them safe from abuse. Specifically, they will both make it clear that they will not tolerate any form of mistreatment, and anyone who breaks this rule will face consequences. Whatever your boundaries may be, you need to enforce them. For instance, you might have set a boundary regarding text messages and the time of day at which you will and won’t reply. Your rule might be, “I don’t read or respond to messages after dinner, which is around 8 p.m.” In deciding this rule, you are setting a boundary—others cannot expect you to read or reply to their messages late in the evening. This kind of boundary keeps you from getting too involved in other people’s drama or problems, thereby safeguarding your own emotional wellbeing. Even if you are clear about your boundaries, there will still be those who might try to violate them. To continue with the above example, one or two of your friends might still expect a reply and be offended when you stick to your boundaries. The good news is that if you are consistent and assertive (whilst remaining polite), others will usually come to respect you for standing up for your own needs.

The most effective Boundaries

method

to

Set

Better

Not all introverts and HSPs struggle with enmeshment. In any case, if you do, it can assist with beginning by taking stock of your feelings. What are you feeling? Would you be able to pinpoint the reason or the beginnings of these feelings? If you can't discover an impetus for your emotions, or they feel far off or unbelievable, it might be a great opportunity to investigate which connections are depleting you. Is it true that you are taking on worry from your friends? Is your companion irate with somebody, and she vented to you about it? These might be pieces of information that the feelings you're conveying aren't yours in any way. Pinpointing feelings and their foundations are the simple piece of this condition. The subsequent stage, however troublesome, is the most significant: defining limits. It implies realizing when to say "no," when to take a break from a relationship, and how to let others deal with their own emotions. In case you're profoundly empathetic, this might be the most troublesome part. It assists with recollecting that the kindest thing we can accomplish for others isn't to attempt to remove their sentiments but to allow them to take in and develop from them. That doesn't mean cutting off empathy or never helping other people. It implies accomplishing the difficult work of being there for them while dealing with ourselves, as well. Probably the ideal way I've found to help reproduce limits is self-sympathy. Since enmeshment and obscured limits can disintegrate self-esteem, selfsympathy can take us back to how important we truly are.

Keep in mind; your necessities are just as significant as any other individual's needs. Take a Self-Empathy Break One of the preferred self-sympathy practices is the Self-empathy Break. That is a short yet ground-breaking activity to assist you with rehearsing self-empathy in your everyday life. To take a Self-empathy Break, first think about a troublesome circumstance in your life at present and consider your sentiments about it. •

Recognize the trouble of the circumstance with a short expression:

"This is agonizing," or "I'm focused." •

Advise yourself that suffering happens to everybody: "I'm not by any

means the only one who feels along these lines," or "I'm not the only one." •

Give yourself some generosity (it's acceptable here to consider what

you have to hear or what you'd tell a companion in a similar circumstance): "It's alright to be focused and to offer yourself a reprieve," or "I can acknowledge myself as I am, disappointments included." Fighting off enmeshment can be a heady task, yet with the correct assets and the opportune individuals throughout your life, you can have sound limits that permit you to be empathetic and mindful while staying balanced and grounded. The empathy of an introvert or HSP is a valuable gift that ought to be supported and prized. Yet, for empathy to be viable, you need to deal with yourself initially. 6 Ways to Protect Yourself against Others' Negative Emotions If I would endure another of those gatherings, I realized I would need to come prepared. Here are six procedures I figured out how to shield myself from negative feelings and wash them out once they're there.

1. Perceive what's affecting you. I experienced four different gatherings throughout the years where I didn't have the foggiest idea why my uneasiness soared the minute, I strolled in. Presently, I do. I'm figuring out how to observe where my feelings end and another person's start. Here and there, you can't miss it —sometimes, an individual comes at you with unfathomably strong negative energy. Yet, now and then, it's unpretentious. "Know thyself" has never been more genuine: If you know where your feelings are toward the start of the day and check-in normally with yourself, you'll have the option to distinguish when a feeling doesn't agree with where it ought to be. That is a good sign; it has a place with another person — investigate and check whether you can distinguish where it is coming from. 2. Mentally prepare yourself. If you realize you'll be placed in a circumstance with negative feelings (as I probably am aware, I will be), plan time beforehand to unwind and adjust yourself. I, for one, use journaling, contemplation, and perception to help with this. That is likewise a good time to… 3. Make a "white light" air bubble or boundary. When you started working, you had a negative boss. Each time I saw her, all I got was a grievance. It wore me out to the point that I did not like to go to work. I knew about shaping an air pocket of white light around you that nothing else can enter. So, I would envision that defensive light — that was my space, my feelings, and I was not going to permit my boss’s cynicism to impact me.

It might simply be a mental trick. However, it worked! I do need to be purposeful about this one: It's difficult to think of it on the spot (for me at any rate — right now), and some of the time, the air pocket is little, and I have to grow it. Yet, it's alright to adjust it and perceive that in a few days you'll hit your breaking point sooner than others and that it's alright if your air pocket should be greater. 4. Escape when you can. I instinctually realized I expected to remove parts from every other person at that gathering. I additionally realized that I expected to leave when it was sensibly permitted. In social circumstances, if negative emotions are flying around, make it a point to leave when you can — or, at work, dismantle parts from the gathering. Your vitality and limits are significant, and you have to respect them. 5. In one-on-one circumstances, give yourself consent to set a verbal/physical limit. I've done it — somebody begins coming at me with the negative energy, and I amenably, however immovably, clarify that I am not open to conversation around then. I may avoid it, or distract them with something different, or let them realize I should investigate whatever it is they requested. I have ventured behind my work area and deliberately opened my PC to clarify that I was preparing to deal with something. In any case, usually, just words are sufficient. I'm showing signs of improvement inside and out, telling somebody, "No, I don't have time at this moment." Depending upon the individual, I do attempt to return sometime in the future and talk with them — however, just once I've had the option to set

myself up for it. Here and there, I have to get that going quickly, particularly if it is in the school setting and is with a parent or teacher. 6. Set aside the effort to recuperate — or schedule it’s in. Truly. That is significant. Others' negative feelings will be out there and won't generally be pre-determined. They will incur significant damage regardless. I have shut out evenings on my schedule that state "Sit idle" or "MAKE NO PLANS." I additionally shut out a half-hour consistently (if I can) that says "breathe" on my day by day schedule. That is my time — that is my "me" time to re-focus and re-center around what is me and not taken on from another person. At present, that next meeting is coming up, and on my calendar, there is a half-hour paving the way to it that says "prepare," and a half-hour after that says, "process and recover." The other 100 individuals might be miserable; however, I'm going in prepared, and ideally it will be a superior encounter than the last time.

Chapter 67: The Dark Side of Being an Empath

Like with everything in this world, there is a dark side to being an empath and this is the intense struggles you have overcoming dark times and how you are a magnet to people who suck the energy from you. Empaths, Narcissists, and Energy Vampires An energy vampire, also known as a psychic vampire is a person who gets their energy from your energy. They feed off of your emotional, psychological, and physical energy and quickly make you feel drained. Energy vampires share a lot of the same traits. They lack empathy, emotional maturity, and drain empaths of their positive energy. Take a moment to think about how rejuvenating positive energy is for people. For example, your friend set you up on a blind date. You are anxious about meeting someone, even though you will quickly know if this person is someone you want to get to know better or not because of your empath abilities. You walk into the restaurant and your date greets you are the door. He escorts you to the table and even pulls out your chair so you can sit down. You get a sense of sincere happiness, excitement, and a bit of nerves from him as well. However, the strongest emotion you feel is welcoming. You can’t get over how positive and uplifting he is toward everyone, even the baby sitting at the table next to you who is throwing a fit. You notice how the goofy looks he gives the baby makes them stop and smile. Positivity radiates off of people and it is a light that energy vampires can see. Once they see that you shine with positivity, they will attach themselves to you. They will use a variety of strategies and manipulative techniques so you start to like them as well. While energy vampires are

attracted to empaths because of their positivity, empaths are attracted because energy vampires are wounded. They have dealt with personal trauma, depressed, have other psychological disorders, and lonely. Energy vampires go through friends quickly because they don’t know how to handle relationships. Types of Energy Vampires There are five types of energy vampires: 1. The victim vampire. One of the strongest ways the victim vampire will reach out to an empath is for sympathy. Because you feel so strongly, you are full of sympathy for other people. Furthermore, when you know someone is hurting or has been hurt, you want to do what you can to make them feel better. This means that you will give the victim vampire all of your attention and do what you can to help them through their difficult situation. Victim vampires have a lot of emotional and psychological pain from years of feeling unloved and unworthy. They don’t have self-esteem. They will make you feel guilty for their actions, even if you have nothing to do with their behavior. The best step for you to take if you are in the presence of victim vampire, is to notice their self-pity cues. When they start trying to make you feel guilty, you need to realize what they are doing and not get involved. 2. Melodramatic vampire. The melodramatic vampire puts most of their energy into creating problems with you. They want you to get a rise out of you as this allows them to focus on your energy. Because you are naturally highly emotions, you become more stressed when there are problems. Even when you remain calm, your emotions are running high, which is when the vampire can suck your emotions dry. Furthermore, highly stressful situations cause you to feel more drained without an energy vampire.

Melodramatic vampires feel better when they know that you are feeling bad. Even though they cause the problem, they will blame you as this gives them a sense of self-importance. When you are in the presence of a melodramatic vampire, you need to be cautious of what problems they are trying to cause. They want you to become angry because this is an emotion that they are addicted to and it gives them fuel for their fire. Don’t take any side when it comes to a melodramatic vampire and do your best not to react, especially negatively. 3. Dominator vampire. Dominator vampires have a black and white view of the world. They need to feel on top and like they are controlling everything and everyone in their environment. This happens because of their fear of losing control or feelings weak. The more control they can assert over you, the stronger they will feel. As an empath, the best step you can take to protect yourself from dominator vampires is to keep your distance. If you do find yourself in their crossfire, you need to agree to disagree. Don’t react to their tactics as this is how they start to take control of you. 4.

Judgmental vampire. Judgmental vampires have extremely low self-

esteem and will focus on your flaws to make themselves feel better. They will treat you how they see themselves as this makes them feel important. Judgmental vampires will look for your weaknesses as this is the way they break you down so you follow their ways. While it is hard for an empath, you don’t want to take what the judgmental vampire says personally. You need to realize that they are looking at themselves as they are talking to you. 5. Innocent vampire. Not all innocent vampires will try to cause you emotional or psychological harm. They don’t want to control you or damage your self-esteem. Sometimes they don’t realize what they are doing

or they are hurting so much that they need someone to rely on. It is important that you take care of the people who need you, but if you feel someone is becoming too clingy, you need to take a step back and assess the situation. Make sure that you don’t take care of everything the innocent vampire asks you to do. Help them when they truly need help but always remember the best way to help an innocent vampire is to teach them how to take care of themselves. Empaths and Narcissists Narcissists are often known as energy vampires, but they are different. When you are talking about a narcissist, you are discussing someone who has a psychological disorder that makes them react in a certain way. Energy vampires do not always have a psychological disorder that causes them to drain an empath’s energy. This difference is important to understand because you need to understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a psychological disorder, to know who a narcissist is. Some of the distinguishing features of a narcissist include: Narcissists Believe They Are the Most Important Person in the World Narcissists will talk about themselves all the time. If you are talking about your day, they will find a way to connect their day to your day. If they can’t find a connection, they will become angry and accuse you of not caring about their day because you didn’t ask them about it. Because they are the most important person in the world, they are the only interesting person in the world. Narcissists feel that everyone adores them and you should want to be exactly like them. They have a grandiose sense of self, meaning they have an unrealistic sense of superiority. They believe they are special and were placed on this earth to make your life better.

Narcissists believe that people should give them what they want. They shouldn’t have to work for their achievements because of who they are. Furthermore, narcissists will exaggerate their achievements because they want other people to believe that they are the best. There is no one better than a narcissist—at least in their mind. The grandiose sense of self is one of the biggest characteristics of narcissism. People will quickly spot someone who continuously talks about themselves or speaks of themselves highly and know they are showing signs of narcissism. However, you want to be careful with this assumption at the same time. When you only pay attention to how much or highly someone talks about themselves, you can confuse arrogance with narcissism. They Use People for Their Advantage Narcissists don’t get to know people because they want to be friends. They get to know people because they need them for a reason. For example, a narcissist wants someone in their corner who believes they are the most important person in the world. They want someone who will do whatever they can to make them happy, which is why they feel that empaths are a good fit for them. They don’t become friends or a partner to an empath because they believe that you can heal them, at least not at a conscious level. They cling on to you because you give them the attention, they believe they deserve. Narcissists also use empaths because you carry positive emotions that give them energy. Unfortunately, as they take your positive emotions, they replace them with negative emotions. Therefore, you will spend a lot of time grounding yourself, recharging, and using other techniques to help yourself stay focused so you can continue to heal. Narcissists Lack Empathy

It isn’t that a narcissist doesn’t have the power of empathy within them, it is they choose not to use it. Because everyone should worry about them, a narcissist doesn’t understand why they should worry about other people. This is not their job; it is the job of other people. The only thing a narcissist needs to focus on, in their mind, is getting what they want and when they want it. Having any true consideration for other people is a waste of time. It is important to have the word “true” in this context because narcissists will act like they care. They are strong manipulators and will use certain manipulation tactics to get what they want. How Energy Vampires and Narcissists Drain Empaths Energy vampires and narcissists can drain you in many ways. They can make you feel like you are always in their presence because they are always on your mind. For example, you spent time with a friend’s spouse, who is also an energy vampire, a couple of days ago. Even though they are not with you in that moment, you continue to think about a conversation you had with your friend and how the energy vampire continued to interrupt the conversation. Every time you talked about the charity work you do, they told you what they believed would truly help the people in your community. While the energy vampire doesn’t understand your charity work, you can’t forget his words and you start to wonder if you are really helping the people in your community or if it is just something that you make yourself believe. Energy vampires can cause anxiety because you think about what they said or will say. You worry about needing to converse with them again. You know that they take a lot of your energy because you feel drained after being in their presence. Energy vampires can also cause depression for an empath because they will take your self-esteem to make themselves feel better. You start to believe what the energy vampire is telling you. For example, an energy vampire told you that you don’t make a good parent

because you are too much of a push over. Even though your children are young, they will grow up to be teenagers that don’t listen to you because you give them too much control. While you don’t believe this is true, you start thinking about it often. You start to wonder if the energy vampire is right about your parenting skills and that you are doing more harm than good when it comes to treating your parenting style. This makes you question all of your parenting decision and worry that you aren’t doing enough for your children. Over time, your worry and stress will grow into anxiety that you will struggle to control. It takes a long time for an empath to recover from an energy vampire. You might find yourself needing days, weeks, or even months to recover after you leave the presence of the energy vampire. The amount of time you need to recover will depend on how long you were with the energy vampire. For instance, you worked in a local museum for 14 months with a co-worker who was an energy vampire. You didn’t realize how much energy the coworker sucked from you, until you were thinking about leaving your job because you never had the energy for your work. You loved your job, but after spending time near your co-worker, you became tired and didn’t often feel well. After a couple of months on the job, your work performance started to suffer, and you began to lose interest. You realized your coworker was an energy vampire when they became frustrated over their work and started to react negatively toward all the staff members, including the director. It seemed that all staff members walked on eggshells when the coworker became angry. Other employees, including yourself, did what they could to make the co-worker happy and “keep the peace” on the job site. After leaving the job four months ago, you still find yourself needing extra time to heal from your daily struggles because you haven’t gained all of your energy back from your previous co-worker.

Chapter 68: Characteristics of An Empath Because there is no universally held definition for the word empath, full agreement on a list of identifying characteristics is also lacking. There is a wide range of indications, some of which may be considered diagnostic according to one school of thought and not to others. We will therefore talk about three sets of indications: one for high empathy, one for hyper-empathy, and one for extra-normal empathy.

Range of Indications ● •

High Empathy (HSP) The ability to anticipate or read others’ feelings and emotions - this is

an indication of the cognitive aspect of empathy. It includes observation of ordinary sensory cues and interpretation of those cues through the lens of one’s own past experience. •

The capacity or quality of sharing others’ emotions - this is an

indication of the emotional aspect of empathy. In includes an instinctive reaction to ordinary sensory cues, in which the observer actually “feels for” the observed. ● •

Hyper-empathy (HSP +) The ability to sense others’ feelings and emotions directly in the

absence of ordinary sensory cues. This means that it is not necessary to see tears or hear crying or to make observations of any kind at all in order to know that another person is sad. By some unknown, extraordinary sensory development, you just know. • The inability to screen or separate from others’ emotions. Because of the very low sensitivity threshold of a hyper-empathetic person, it can be difficult for him or her to screen or separate from the feelings and emotions of others. The empath may experience feelings (originating in another person) that are completely inexplicable as related to her own circumstances. • A sense of burden or responsibility regarding others’ emotions. The above-mentioned inability to screen or separate from the feelings of others may cause the empath to be overwhelmed because of so many different feelings coming from so many different directions.

●

Extra-normal (psychic) empathy (HSP++)

• The ability to sense emotions over great distances. In other words, the empath may be separated even by many miles from another person and still sense that person’s emotions. This is the most common in the case of very close relationships, but it has been reported even in the case of strangers. •

The ability to sense the feelings and emotions of strangers.

•

Foreboding or foreknowledge of an event yet to come. A small subset

of empaths report dreams, visions, or simple knowledge of an event which has not yet occurred. Experience of another's pain in one's own body. Finally, some experience pain which is not their own, but which originates in another person. Sometimes this pain is related to ordinary observation, but other times it reportedly comes in the absence of any opportunity for observation. These physical sensations of vicarious experience can be confusing and painful; In the interest of the health of their recipient therefore, they need to be controlled as much as possible. Am I being Empath? How can a person know, given the variation in reported experiences, the range of indications, and all the different theories, whether or not he or she is actually an empath? Before we go further, a more general point should be made. People are different from one another. Every single person is unique, in fact. So, while most people can see, eyesight ranges from extraordinary to nonexistent. Athletic prowess ranges from the completely disabled to the weak or clumsy to the virtually super-heroic. Intelligence ranges from tragically low

levels to unimaginably high levels. And each of us has our own, unique areas of weakness as well as areas in which we uniquely excel. Given these variations, in any ability or characteristic if we arrange all people along a scale according to the quality of that characteristic or ability, we will in every case find people who fall far outside the norm. They are unusual in the weakness or strength of that characteristic, possibly in ways which have enormous practical effects on the way they function. Sometimes such an eccentricity is due to a developmental problem or a disease of some kind, sometimes due to environment, and sometimes due to inheritance, but most often multiple factors are involved. When people observe differences so significant as to affect the way a person functions, they begin to ask questions. What is causing the difference? Can a limiting difference be resolved or compensated? Should there be some accommodation made for the difference? At this point a label is given, and some diagnosis may subsequently be made. Sometimes this can be helpful. Perhaps the affected person will be better able to understand himself. Perhaps he can better adjust to his difference(s). He may receive some kind of helpful accommodation. On the other hand, sometimes the label takes on a life of its own and is more detrimental than helpful. Such may be the case with labels like learning-disabled, dyslexia, hyperactive, attention deficit, bipolar, and many, many other labels.

Such labels have definitely served their purposes, but they can at times be more burden than advantage to those to whom they are applied, a fact which is clearly illustrated by the constant updating of well-intended labels in order to escape the stereotypes which have naturally built up around them. So, when we begin to investigate a significant personal difference, we always need to go with our eyes wide open. We should seek to obtain every credible information and helpful advice, but not get too carried away with the label. Why? Because a person is far more than what can be summarized by any label. And while it might be helpful to see himself as a person with a small label or labels attached, it is not healthy for his person (self) to be overshadowed by a label or for her to be identified primarily by the label. So, it is with the term “empath,” one whose specific meaning is not yet settled, which can refer to anyone on a spectrum ranging from unusually empathetic to highly sensitive to extrasensory to psychic. A label can assist if it enables you to improve your human functionality. But if it reduces your functionality as a human being it is a hindrance. So, before you embark on any path of self-discovery, resolve to keep both feet on the ground. You are a unique individual with specific tendencies, preferences, sensitivities, gifts, strengths and weaknesses that make you who you are. Avail yourself of that which may be helpful, and leave the rest alone.

Hypothetical Empath We’ve dwelt considerably upon the possible definitions and explanations of empath, and we have planned ahead to use the investigation to our benefit -and/or the benefit of others -- and not to our detriment. Now let’s see what an empath looks like. Let’s learn a little about what it is to be an empath. The following paragraphs are hypothetical but representative statements from hypothetical but representative empaths. These are the kinds of statements that people who self-identify as empaths make about themselves. “Even as a child, it seems I always knew what people were feeling. I can't really remember not knowing. I try to stay away from large crowds, because it's just too much -- too stressful. So many feelings coming at me all at once from all those people; it's exhausting. And people come to me. They tell me about their problems. I try to help. I want to help, but sometimes it gets to be too much.” “I can't watch the news or scary or sad movies. Sometimes I just wish I could turn it off. I need a lot of time alone just to be quiet and to myself.” “I have dreams, too. I hate it when I have a bad dream, because there have been times when I dreamed about something bad happening to somebody and found out it actually happened. One time it happened to people I don't even know, and then I saw it the next day on the news!” “I can be going along through my day, doing just fine, and then suddenly I feel sick or depressed or angry or fearful for no reason. I know that someone close to me is experiencing that emotion. If I talk to my family and close friends, I can usually figure out who it is -- and why it is! Still, it’s

hard to shake. It can set me back for a few hours. Or, if it’s something big, for days or weeks.” “Sometimes when I see somebody else get hurt, I actually feel their physical pain. Like if somebody bangs her head on a cabinet door, my head actually hurts, too!” “I love being an empath. Sure, sometimes people think I’m crazy. And sometimes it’s exhausting. But I can really help people. I understand what they are feeling. I know what they are thinking. And I can actually help heal them. I have a career in a healing profession, and so I have honed my empathic skills for the purpose of healing. My empathic abilities make my life fuller and more meaningful.” “The worst part is, a lot of times I feel like people are just using me. They like that I understand how they feel, so they always come and talk to me when they won’t talk to anybody else. But they leave feeling better, and I am drained. They’re never there when I need them.” Did you see yourself in these statements? If you resonate with much of what you read here, then it is possible you may have some significant empathetic characteristics. You may be at the upper - or even extreme - end of the scale of empathy. You might have cause to think that you, too, may be an empath.

Check the Indications Determine whether you best fit into the category of Empathy, HyperEmpathy, or Extra-Normal Empathy. If you fit into one of the first two categories, your empathetic perceptions and abilities may fall within the range of normal. You will find many people who best fit one of these categories, particularly Hyper-Empathy, and identify as empaths. But you will find others who would insist that, without some of the indications from the Extra-Normal category, you are not really a true empath. You may identify as you wish. But do recognize that there are others who report experiencing more dramatic or exceptional indications of empathy. How do I know if I’m a Highly Sensitive Person? While a person with the extra-normal indications of empathy is almost certainly an HSP (highly sensitive person), that attribute alone may be enough to account for the less marked (more normal) levels of empathy. Stated definition of the highly sensitive person as a person who more easily detects stimuli, perceives stimuli more strongly, or is more reactive to stimuli than other persons tells us that the HSP has a more sensitive “radar” than does other people or is, at the very least, more responsive or reactive to signals detected by his radar. His or her sensitivity might be limited to stimuli of just a particular type, or areas of sensitivity might be much broader. Some HSPs are sensitive to everything, including the feelings of others.

Indications for a highly sensitive person includes much greater awareness of sensory detail, detection of subtle nuances in meaning, increased selfawareness as it relates to internal emotions, introversion, creativity, and increased empathy. OK, I’m HSP. Could I be considered an empath? So, how does empath differ from HSP? You won’t be surprised at this point to be told that answers will vary. Often in reading it does seem to be a matter of degrees, and yet, not quite. HSP represents 15 to 20 percent of the population and is considered to be within the normal spectrum of human psychology. While there seems to be no official unanimous, objective diagnostic standard for empath, it seems safe to assume that it would be a much smaller percentage of the population. Though it is likely that anyone qualifying as an empath is, by definition, a highly sensitive person, we have already noted that there are some who would require, in order to qualify as empath, indications exceeding those generally included for HSP. Some self-described empaths would require you to exhibit extra-normal indications in order to call yourself an empath, while others, even among those who do exhibit the extra-normal indications, would probably be happy to welcome you into to their fellowship without such. In the absence of the extra-normal indications, could there be any difference between HSP and empath? It seems in that case the difference would be only a matter of degrees. Or, could there be some qualitative difference between the two?

There is one distinction proposed that seems to be both reasonable (in line with what we have already learned) and instructive. It relates to how the empathetic feeling arises. The line of thought seems to be that HSP empathy is the product of projection (perhaps more cognitive?) The HSP “reads” or observes emotional signals and responds out of his own emotional experience by means of projection. The empath, on the other hand, senses the emotions or feelings very directly, involuntarily, in a way which cannot be entirely controlled. She may become confused by them or not even aware in some cases where they originated, because, as opposed to deriving them entirely through observation, she is experiencing them as if they were her own. She cannot distinguish her own feelings from the feelings she is intercepting from others. So, the HSP empathy is experienced through the lens of self, while the empath perceives what is outside himself, as if there were no barrier or separation between him and others around him. It is proposed, in fact, that the HSP may in a high emotion situation become so consumed by his own emotional response that he is unable to accurately perceive or interpret another person's emotions.

Chapter 69: Understanding the Empath

Empaths have a better understanding of energy than they do the words that are coming out of a person’s mouth. This is one of the reasons you can’t lie to an empath—they will sense it. Empaths can listen to someone speaking a language they don’t understand but have full insight into what they are trying to express based on their energy. Empaths listen to words, pay attention to body language, and translate energetic vibrations. They are especially vulnerable to negativity because it takes from their energy field. On the other hand, when empaths are surrounded by positive energy, they become relaxed and their aura expands in an outward direction as their feelings and emotions flow freely without tension. Positive energy is like a charger—it boosts you up and refills you. This is why empaths will avoid conflict at all costs, shut down when confronted with it, and stay away from certain people and places. The body goes into self-defense mode in an attempt to preserve energy so that you don’t become tired and exhausted. Whether you know it or not, empaths can choose who and what influences their energy—they decide where it is sent and to whom. Our thoughts are so powerful that as soon as they are released, anyone capable of tuning in to your frequency will automatically pick them up. In other words, empaths have the ability to read minds. A skilled empath knows how to protect themselves by being fully aware of what is taking place around them and being present so that no one is able to enter their energy field without their permission.

Once you learn how energy works, it is important that you use it wisely. Remember what goes around comes around, and whatever you put out into the world will come right back to you. Energy is like a drug—the more you experiment with it and enjoy the way it makes you feel, the easier it is to become addicted to it. Your energy, if not protected, will abandon you, become reckless, and attach itself to any other energy circulating in the atmosphere. When empaths are alert and aware, they can quickly recognize subtle changes that take place in their environment without needing to use any of their five senses—smell, touch, taste, sight, or hearing. Once energy has been released, it travels in an outward direction and never dies. It remains in the air and clings to people or objects, and other energies absorb it or connect with it. Our energy leaves a legacy wherever we go, which is why you can step into an environment and immediately pick up on the vibe of it. That vibe is dependent upon the people or the event that is taking place there. Once you realize that your energy is constantly interacting with other people’s energy, regardless of space, time, or distance, it can become overwhelming, and you will feel as though you need to get back to yourself. But this is because society has conditioned us to believe that our mind and body are two separate entities. Empaths have a deep desire to discover who they are and what they were put on this earth to do. The awakening process is an extremely traumatic and painful one, parallel to the metamorphosis of the caterpillar into a butterfly. It is a dark and lonely time, but once you discover your truth, you will emerge like a beautiful butterfly and soar to new heights. It is during this time that you come to the revelation that we are not separate or individual but a part of something tremendous—energy and the universe.

You are not always going to be able to explain your gift because there are some aspects of it that are illogical, and in a world that relies on logic, mathematics, and scientific studies, this can be difficult to comprehend. Empaths feel and sense their way through life. They do not need men in white coats to explain what they inherently know about their natural existence. People who don’t understand the gift will chalk it up to whatever their imaginations can conjure up and refuse to believe that such a thing exists. Such people are afraid to challenge the status quo and think outside the box; they are afraid of the unknown. They are confined by what they can see with their natural eyes, and if they can’t see it, they won’t believe it. Once you have extensive knowledge of how energy works, you will immediately discover limitless mind-blowing possibilities. You will realize that your energy never dies and in whatever form it takes, it will continue to exist. When your life is determined by time, you can become disillusioned, especially if you have reached a certain age and not achieved all that you had hoped. When you were 16, you had envisioned that you would be married with kids by the age of 30. But by the age of 35, you still haven’t found your soul mate and so you start worrying about how much time you have left to fulfill your dreams. You realize that you have wasted your time slaving away in a job that you don’t like, or that you have married the wrong person and allowed your soulmate to slip through your fingers. In reality, time doesn’t exist. The universe has no regard for it. Man created time, and we have structured our lives around it. If time was abolished, there would be mayhem because people wouldn’t know what to do with themselves. When we get to a certain age and our bodies start to decay, we assume that time is running out. But even when our bodies have returned to dust, our energy will continue to travel throughout the universe—there is no

beginning and no end. We existed before we took residence on earth in a human body, and we will continue to exist when this body disintegrates. Physically and mentally, empaths are different. Our bodies are porous, so they absorb energy into their muscles, organs, and tissues. This means that you feel other people’s pain, distress, suffering, and depression. You can feel every negative emotion even though they don’t belong to you, which can have a detrimental effect on your health. On the other hand, you can quickly get in tune with other people’s love, happiness, and vitality, which is a fantastic feeling. Empaths feel exhausted when they are surrounded by toxic people, witnessing arguments, violence, and hearing too much noise makes empaths feel physically ill. Empaths can also feel other people’s physical pain and pick up the same symptoms as if they had the illness. This is one of the reasons they find it difficult to work in hospitals. You might find that your mood changes when you get on a bus and sit next to someone who is depressed or anxious. Or you can walk into a store feeling happy or even neutral, but leave feeling tense and exhausted, or even with aches and pains in your body because you have been exposed to the whirlwind of chaos that usually takes place in a store with the bright lights, loud speakers, and crowds of people. There are certain environments that are simply not conducive for empaths. To survive as an empath, it’s crucial to learn how to ground yourself in overstimulating situations and protect yourself against other people’s negative energy.

Chapter 70: Empaths and Other People An empath is a person who is able to connect with other people in a very deep way, on an energetic level. Such a person is able to perceive the negative or positive energies of other people even without interacting with them physically. You cannot train or learn to be an empath. You’re either born an empath or you’re not. So, if you have this gift there is no undoing it and if you’re not born with it then you cannot acquire it with any artificial means. However, you can glean a lot of valuable characteristics from empaths in your close circles and learn to deal better with them should you spot one. Being an empath is natural; there is no way that you can escape it. You will be able to echo other people’s feelings and energy even without knowing the source of these energies. It is like having many emotional burdens dumped on you and eventually, you will feel totally drained because you will have used a lot of your energy to deal with these negative emotions emanating from other people. When you find yourself feeling quite intuitive and sensitive to the needs of other people, you often feel fatigued at the end of the day. You feel this natural urge to carry other people’s pain and burdens. As the saying goes, “Heavy is the head that wears the crown.” Such people possess gifts like deep connection and clear observation. When you are an empath, you learn to trust your feelings 100%. You believe your feelings because they have never let you down. If they tell you something is wrong, then it is wrong! But … are you really an empath? At some point in your life, you might be aware of your introvert traits but also have this huge urge to create a big impact on thousands of people. You

always feel that you have this great message that you want to pass on. This experience might not be clear to you because you do not know that you are an empath. If you have a feeling, a great calling to change people’s lives, you cannot resist this feeling because obviously, it is much bigger than you. How can you know that you are an empath? You daydream a lot – You know that you are an empath when you are strong and courageous in areas like visions and prophecy. You feel great connection to the feelings of others. Since such life experiences require safety, the only refuge you find is in your dream world. For instance, you can dream fighting for the rights of the vulnerable in your society, saving their lives and making heroic speeches. Unlike other people’s dreams, yours will feel much more real. You experience strong visions - Your thinking capacity will always be big. For instance, your focus will be on complex duties and you will be excited by organized areas. You always think about the bigger picture, and you puzzle about why things are the way they are. This means you are ready to overcome all odds like suffering emotionally with the rest of the people in the world. Due to these visions, most of which you will never achieve anyway, you cannot stand any injustice people due to the ones who cannot fight for their rights. You detest being in public spaces – Public spaces make you feel strained, give you migraines and endless fatigue. You would rather stay isolated and enclosed at home. You have noticed that all the time when you go out in public spaces you go back home strained, fatigued or overwhelmed. In fact, you have started feeling that would like to avoid public spaces altogether.

Well, that is because you are an empath. As such, you have been absorbing all of their negative emotions like a sponge would absorb water. Because of the many negative energies reverberating from all the people in the public spaces like malls, beaches etc., you absorb all of them and you feel so overwhelmed. Thus, you tend to avoid public spaces because they make you feel depressed. You struggle with self-care - You know that you should take care of yourself while at the same time taking care of others. You have been too busy fixing other people and you have no time to fix yourself. It happens to empaths. Every waking day is about other people and their pain. That leads to self-negligence! And you think it is not right to care too much about other people. This is a fight between the introvert inside and the extrovert outside.

What does it feel like to be an Empath? If you happen to be an empath yourself, then it’s most likely that this is a feeling that you have been living with since your childhood. However, if you are not sure of your emotions or feelings then this will help you identify whether you are an empath. Let’s understand the perspective of an empath looking out into the world. You step into other people’s shoes and stay there In most cases, you find yourself getting into other people’s emotions without any turbulence. Empathy means being very sensitive, understanding and experiencing the thoughts and feelings of others. However, being an empath means being sensitive to the feelings of other people even without them telling you what they are experiencing themselves. In simple words, being an empath is like stepping into another person’s shoes involuntarily. Nevertheless, that does not mean that you have supernatural powers to read people’s deeper feelings, experiences and their life situations. It just means that you are an empath. Insignificant things make you tear up Let us say you are reading, watching news, or listening to a sad personal story. This alone can make your tears start rolling easily. Your empath power makes you connect with that emotion of sadness at a visceral level. When you start searching for reasons as to why things are the way they are, you seem to get emotional responses. You will normally end up with answers about the origin of your own emotions. This can often help you move on and concentrate on other aspects of life and relationships. You are very passionate

Your strong passion makes it easy to feel very emotional. Have you ever seen a person participate in an activity like helping people and wondered where their energy comes from? You could be in a group or dealing with specific individuals and, as an empath, you normally put your 100% effort into everything you do for others. You believe that your effort will change someone’s life for the better. Your feelings of service to others are always deep. You have very deep feelings In response to a certain event, if you compare your emotions with those of your peers, you will often find that yours are more heightened than theirs. You have no idea whether it’s a curse or a blessing. Somehow you feel you’re tapping into a different level of consciousness. However, people realize the deep care that you have for them even without expressing it. At times, apathy simplifies your life but is quite tiring in case you experience strong feelings. For instance, your insomnia becomes worse and your mood plunges but when you listen to sad music all of that loosens you up. You feel the physical pain that other people go through When you go near people that are ill or look at those with severe injuries, you normally feel their physical pain. It is like feeling the tremors before an earthquake. On the other hand, you keep having panic attacks simply because a person close to you is anxious. You normally cry when you see someone suffer and it is as if you are experiencing his or her pain firsthand. You have always felt this way since childhood, only that you did not know the name for it. The most amazing thing is that people do not have to tell you what they are going through or what they have been through. Their energy simply reaches out to you and you feel their pain and emotion automatically, as if you are connected to them.

This is not abnormal or dysfunctional. What you possess is a very strong intuition that enables you to connect deeply with and to people. Even if you fly to another country, you will still experience the same. There is no escaping this reality. Whether it’s a curse or blessing depends on how you look at it. You have now learned how empaths feel and that will help you know if you are one. If you’re getting indications that you are one, then don’t worry about it. Just realize that being an empath has its own perks once you learn how to handle your energies.

Step by step instructions to Handle Other People's Bad Moods like a Pro What follows are five explicit aptitudes I've discovered that help me to adequately and consciously handle others' troublesome feelings. If you can figure out how to develop them, these aptitudes will assist you with keeping your cool in each relationship in your life, particularly the most significant ones — like spouses, supervisors, guardians, partners, and children. 1. Treat Strong Emotion as a Puzzle, Not a Problem At the point when somebody near us is wracked with tension, overpowered by sadness, or just staggeringly disappointed, it's normal to consider there to be an issue — something to be dealt with and settled rapidly. That is the reason we so regularly go to advice-giving when individuals we care about are upset. 2. Attempt Some Reverse Empathy Empathy is simply the demonstration of looking from someone else's point of view and attempting to envision what it must be like to live in their skin — with their considerations, sentiments, encounters, and conditions. And keeping in mind that empathy is significant expertise to develop for a wide range of reasons, there's a rendition of it that is particularly useful for overseeing others' bad moods. I call it to inverted empathy. Turn around empathy: as opposed to imagining another person's perspective, attempt to recollect when you wore a similar shoe. As it were, attempt to recall when you battled along these lines and with a comparable arrangement of troublesome feelings and state of mind.

3. Be a Mirror, Not a Mechanic Without a doubt, the main slip-up I see individuals (particularly couples) make in their communication with one another is that they stall out in "Fixit Mode." However, stop and think for a minute: A great many people struggling emotionally doesn’t need somebody to fix their agony; they went to feel understood. Bake that into your brain, since it's one of the most unreasonable yet all around obvious laws of human brain research I can consider. Also, when you truly trust it and begin acting in like manner, everyone begins feeling much improved. Things being what they are, how would we escape a Fix-it mentality and begin helping individuals feel heard? The ideal path is to practice a technique called Reflective Listening. 4. Approve Your Own Emotions Perhaps the hardest thing about others' terrible states of mind is the feelings they will, in general, work up in us. •

Our spouse is miserable and melancholic, and we get disappointed.

•

Our boss is anxious and oppressive, which causes us to feel on edge

as well. •

Our parent is angry and irritable, and we react with negativity and

sarcasm. The difficulty is, when we're deep into our very own winding negative feeling, it's difficult to have enough mental and emotional bandwidth transfer capacity to explore our state of mind and that of another person.

That is the reason we frequently respond to others' awful states of mind in a manner that isn't useful to them, us, or the relationship. The arrangement is to improve at seeing and dealing with our own passionate reactions early, so they don't expand wildly. Furthermore, the most ideal way I am aware of to do that is through a procedure called validation. 5. Clarify Your Responsibility A typical trap I see individuals make when attempting to manage others' awful temperaments is to overextend their obligation to that individual to incorporate how they feel. Let me unload that a bit: •

We must be answerable for things that we can control.

•

Feelings, by their very nature, are not straightforwardly heavily

influenced by us. •

Since we can't control feelings straightforwardly, we're not answerable

for them — either our own or those of others. •

In any case, we are answerable for our activities — for how we decide

to carry on and think. •

At the point when we accept accountability for things outside our

ability to control, we set ourselves up for superfluous dissatisfaction, frustration, and disdain.

Chapter 71: Developing Your Empath Skills

Listening When it comes to communication, empaths are good at picking up on the true emotions of people by reading their body language, using their intuition, and sensing the feelings of the other person. By soaking up the energy and thoughts of others, a sensitive individual is able to deduce energies that may not be apparent to everyone else. This makes it easy for them to understand the needs of others and their feelings. Empaths have an innate need to try and make things better and fix problems for other people. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, it may interfere with the ability to listen to others because we become so focused on giving advice and making suggestions, we forget to let the other person express themselves. It can take effort to avoid jumping in with ideas and suggestions when people are sharing their views with you. This tendency can hinder effective communication, so empathic individuals need to learn to listen and listen with boundaries. Good listening with boundaries. Strategies to improve your empathic listening skills include: The LSF technique. The LSF technique refers to Listening, Summarizing, and Follow-up. Using this formula will help you to really understand and internalize what the other person is saying. The first step is listening, where you give the other person the time and space to express themselves. Try not to interrupt, and just take in what they are saying. The second step is summarizing in your mind the information the person is giving you. The next part involves paraphrasing and repeating what you have heard to the person so that they can recognize that you have understood their point. Take note of the

person’s body language when they are communicating, as this will provide further insight into how they are feeling. Use open-ended questions to prod and prompt. We learn more when we are listening than when we are talking. Prompting and prodding the other person with open-ended questions that go beyond a yes or no answer are bound to get you more information than simply listening without seeking clarification. Using questions such as “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you suggest we do about that?” are examples of true empathic listening. Refrain from making suggestions or offering advice. As an empath, your natural instinct is to jump in with a solution and fix the problem. Resist this urge and just listen to the other person while questioning them for their ideas and suggestions. Do not feel the need to take on the situation solely and give the other person time to come to a conclusion. If they really need your help, they will ask for it. Be patient. Empathic listening entails giving the other person sufficient time to express their views. Doing so requires patience. When you rush or pressure the person, they will become anxious and will lose the ability to express themselves clearly. Patience puts the other person at ease and enables them to open up to you without reservations. Even when you are tempted to interrupt with your own opinion, hold on to your thoughts and let the other person finish making their point. When you show people respect, they are bound to reciprocate when it is your turn to express your view on the situation at hand. Understand the power of silence.

Silence in a conversation will allow the individuals involved time to reflect and internalize what has been said. As much as quietness can be uncomfortable or awkward, resist the urge to fill every pause with words. Sometimes stillness can speak volumes. Empathic listening is a useful skill in both professional and personal communication. In the workplace, people have diverse views, and taking the time to understand and listen to your colleagues’ points of view is not only a sign of respect but also fosters good working relationships. Realize that everybody’s perspective is important and, therefore, has a right to be heard. In personal settings, empathic listening will help you understand where your partner is coming from and what their needs are. Compassion may drive you to try and fix everybody’s issues but learning to take in information will help you in detaching and establishing a filter for other people’s problems. When you practice active listening, you give the other person the chance to come to their own conclusion and come up with a solution.

Empowering Yourself

a

Person

While

Empowering

As an empath, you are compassionate and giving. You want to make everyone around you feel better. The one thing we forget is to take care of ourselves as well. Your gifts should empower you just as often as you use them to help others. It is impossible to pour from an empty cup as the cliché goes, meaning that you must first be kind to yourself before you can offer yourself to another person. Loving yourself is imperative and should be your first priority, before trying to love another. Strategies for Empowering yourself; 1. Self-awareness – take time to know your needs and feelings. It is easy to get lost in other people’s desires. You have an internal drive to make everyone else happy. Find out what your own passions are and what fulfills you; find a way to pursue your own goals. The more satisfied you are as a person, the better you will be in your work, relationships, and other roles. 2.

Lean into your intuition – it might be tempting to suppress your

empathic sensitivities in order to conform to other people’s expectations or fit in. Your keen Intuition and ability to sense things are gifts that you should utilize for your own good and the betterment of others. Trust your gifts and use them as a path to the inner wisdom you are capable of possessing through your compassion. 3.

Find the right job - Your career will play a big role in you achieving

your desires and emotional fulfillment. Empaths are born to nurture and heal. Therefore, do not go against your natural abilities or passions. For instance, if you are an animal empath, working in a profession that enables you to work with wildlife will allow you to fully tap into your

compassionate gifts and provide you with so much more satisfaction than being stuck behind a desk somewhere. 4.

Surround yourself with positive things - Picture yourself as a sponge

that will soak up whatever is in its environment. Empaths are hypersensitive to external emotions and energy and, therefore, whatever it is you expose yourself to will impact your mental state. Positive people and environments will have an uplifting effect on you. Avoid negative Nancy’s and keep your feelings on the positive side to avoid picking up other people’s stress and anxiety. 5.

Rejuvenate and recharge - As an empath, we are bound to experience

emotional and sensory overload from time to time. De-stressing and taking time away from emotional and sensory triggers will help you stay balanced so that you can reduce overstimulation. There is no limit to the number of things you can do to rest and refresh. For some, stillness and time alone work to solve these issues. Yoga and meditation can be strong allies in the quest to relax and unwind. Find what works for you and make it part of a routine that will give you an outlet when energy becomes overwhelming. Empowering other people comes naturally to the empath, we are inclined to be compassionate and considerate of others. You can use your gifts to empower other people by: 1)

Compassion - Your ability to sense and understand other people’s

feelings and needs means that, as an empath, you are uniquely qualified to help those who are in need. You have a talent when it comes to sensing people’s distress even when other people cannot do so. You can use these gifts to reach out and offer support to those who are hurting, in pain, or just need someone to listen to them. Empathic individuals make the best friends

and companions because their natural intuition gives them insight into other people’s emotions. 2)

Intuition. - Your intuition is a tool that can help you foresee things that

might happen, and you can use this information to guide others. In the same way, your sixth sense helps you to avoid trouble and detect possibly dangerous situations, and you can use this to help those around you in avoiding disaster and damaging decisions. 3)

Creativity - Empaths are great at coming up with ideas that other

people may not be able to. This is because they are emotionally driven; they have a unique way of looking at tasks and obstacles. Your creativity as an empathic individual will be a great asset in the workplace and in coming up with innovative solutions to people’s problems. The key is to trust yourself and to not be afraid of speaking up and putting your ideas into action.

Grounding, Clearing and Realizing Empaths need to maintain an emotional balance to enable them to avoid getting overwhelmed by feelings and hypersensitivities. There are several ways to achieve harmony in your mental state. Most of these techniques are centered around limiting external energies and focusing inwards. Grounding is one such method that can help an empathic individual feel evenly distributed and in control of their emotions. Grounding helps you feel connected to the earth. By touching the soil with your feet, your release your pent-up emotions and stress and take in the planet’s healing energy through your soles and this healing then travels up your body. Scientifically, establishing contact with the earth has been proven to have a calming effect on the nervous system. The best way to experience grounding is by walking barefoot in a natural environment. Your feet should be in direct contact with the earth, whether you will be standing on a patch of grass or just walking barefoot in nature. Many reflexology and acupuncture spots are found on our feet meaning that they are an effective pathway for releasing stress. When you walk with no shoes, you are inadvertently activating these reflexology points and allowing the release of pent up emotions. You can also achieve the balancing effect of grounding through visualization. When emotions become overwhelming or you are experiencing a sensory overload, take time to recharge and shut down sensory input. Find a quiet and isolated place, then just use a simple breathing technique as a way of focusing your attention inward. Taking deep breaths and feeling the breath enter and leave your body will help clear your mind.

Once you achieve tranquility, visualize yourself as anchored to the ground by your feet. Picture negative energy leaving your body through your soles and the healing energy of the earth imbuing your being. This visualization technique will enable you to feel grounded regardless of where you are. It comes in handy when you are not able to go out into nature. When it comes to clearing, the following techniques will help in getting rid of negative energy and cleansing yourself of negative emotions. Use journaling, music, or painting -express and process your emotions through art. Sever the cord to the negative energy -avoid or get rid of the negative energy by cutting the relationship off. Create a safe space for yourself where you can express your emotions freely. Spend time in nature. Detox using water – baths are a great way to relax and destress Plan alone time to rejuvenate.

Develop Your Emotions When it comes to your emotions, learning how to manage them will enable you to maintain a sense of mental balance. As empaths, we tend to feel too much and too long. This means that we may have a hard time letting go of feelings and tend to have hangovers; where energy continues affecting you long after the event that triggered it has passed. When it comes to harnessing your power, your ability to manage your thoughts will play a big role in learning to live within your strengths without succumbing to sensitivities. These are the tools you should use in developing your emotions: Accept yourself Prioritize your needs above the needs of others. Feel your own emotions and tune-in to your intuition. Always take time to assess and identify which feelings you are picking up from other people. Have filters and barriers that will safeguard your emotions from getting entangled with other people’s feelings. Do not let other people’s emotions or energies influence or change how you are feeling. Acknowledging the feelings that are not yours and clearing the energy away.

Overcoming Your Fears It is not unusual for empaths to experience social anxiety. This anxiety arises from the intense emotions that empaths experience when interacting with other people. Imagine a scenario where you have been looking forward to going to a party for a while. When D-day arrives, you are excited and determined to have a good time. This all goes out the window as soon as you walk into the room and see all those people. Suddenly you are like a deer in headlights. You feel anxious and ill at ease and you start wondering what’s wrong with you. For many empaths, this kind of scenario is a common occurrence. To avoid or limit your social anxiety, the following strategies will be useful: Use mantras and affirmations – affirmations can help you to boost your confidence and avoid letting emotions get the better of you. If you are in a situation where you start feeling anxious or afraid, use empowering mantras such as "This stress and negativity are not mine, I release them and breathe in love.” Self-awareness – when you are not aware of your own emotions you are more likely to be reactive and susceptible to picking up other people’s energies. Focus on your feelings and thoughts. For instance, in the scenario above focus on having a good time and not what other people are experiencing and thinking. When you are self-aware, you can consciously shut down reactive emotions that cause you to feel anxious. Don’t take anything personally – being hypersensitive means that we are deeply affected by other people’s thoughts and opinions. Social anxiety partly stems from the fear of being judged by others. So, to overcome this anxiety, do not take everything so personally and understand that people’s

opinions should not affect your reality. Have a strong sense of self-value that is not deeply moved by negative emotions or the words of others.

Chapter 72: Empath and Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the capacity to monitor your emotions as well as to be able to handle the emotions of other people. For you to be emotionally intelligent, you need to be able to distinguish between the different emotions then label them the correct way. Once you do this, the next step is to use the information that you have gathered to guide your behavior and to think as well as to influence the behavior of other people. Emotional intelligence is whatever we use when we put ourselves in the shoes of other people, have deeper conversations with our spouses or manage a child that is unruly. It allows us to understand ourselves better, connect well with others, and live a happy life that is full of good decisions.

Components of Emotional Intelligence Before we can look into anything else, it is vital that we understand the components of emotional intelligence. As a person, I have gained a lot of insight into emotional intelligence after I mastered the components of emotional intelligence. Let us look at these components because they also form the skills that will allow you to interact better with one another. Self-Awareness Self-awareness has smaller components that make it one of the best components of emotional intelligence. First, emotional awareness means you get to recognize another person’s emotions and its impact on the environment. Additionally, you need to have accurate self-assessment so that you know your limits and strengths. You also need to have selfconfidence, which is the ability to be sure of one's capabilities and selfworth. Self-Regulation Self-regulation is all about being able to manage your emotions and how they affect you. For you to manage your emotions the right way, you need to maintain high levels of integrity and honesty, as well as take full responsibility for your performance as a person. You also need to be flexible in handling change that comes both professionally and personally. You also need to be innovative, so that you are comfortable with and open to new information and novel ideas that come your way. Self-Motivation

As the name suggests, emotional intelligence requires you to have the drive to meet standards. You have to try and improve so that you meet a certain standard of excellence. You also need to be committed to what you do. We are always committed to other things, and we leave what means a lot to us. The commitment that you have needs to be aligned with the goals of the organization and the group. You also need to be ready to grab any opportunities that come your way. Self-motivation needs a lot of optimism, as well. You need to be persistent when pursuing goals despite the setbacks and obstacles. Empathy When you are empathetic, you have the ability to place yourself in another person’s situation and understand it. You are able to sense what the other person is going through, and you can see their perspective, and you take an active concern in what they are going through. As business owners, we are tasked with the responsibility of understanding our customers the right way. When it comes to being empathetic, we are able to recognize, anticipate, and meet our customers’ needs the right way. Empathy doesn’t stop at knowing what other people are going through and understanding them; rather, it also begs us to sense what other people need so that we can develop and improve their abilities. To do this, we need to understand what diversity is all about then cultivate the various opportunities through the people that we meet. Social Skills Social skills beg us to have influence, which refers to the use of effective tactics to be persuasive all the time. We also need to be able to communicate clearly and in a convincing way. It also encompasses

leadership, being agents of change, and being able to manage conflict the right way. We also get to build bonds and collaborate with other people. The Dimensions of Emotional Intelligence According to the theorists Mayer and Salovey, there are four unique branches of emotional intelligence that guide us in knowing or emotional abilities and skills. These include: Perceiving Emotion Perceiving emotions is all about being able to identify and label the emotions that you come from other people. For instance, if I am in the office, and I call someone that needs to get disciplined, I need to read their emotions so that I understand what they are going through. At times you have to look beyond the mistakes a read the emotions of someone before you get to know what to do. You also need to express your own emotions the right way. When you express the emotions, you will be able to label them then distinguish between the ones that are honest and dishonest. Utilize the Emotions Once you perceive the various emotions, the next step is for you to use them in making decisions. Most of the times, we fail to utilize emotions because we don’t know that they are vital to our survival. Instead, we experience them; identify them, and that is that. For you to utilize emotions, you need to prioritize your thoughts based on the emotions that are associated with different thoughts. You have to learn about and come up with thoughts that will allow you to make better judgments. You also need to capitalize on the mood changes so that you

appreciate the different points of view, and then use the different emotional states so that you can make better decisions when faced with problems. Understanding Emotions You also need to understand emotions the right way. To do this, you need to make sure you identify the emotions the right way then sees the connection between all the emotions. You also have to look at the various causes and consequences of the emotions and then understand the complexity that surrounds them. You also need to look at how the various emotions change from one state to another. Managing Emotions This is the final dimension of emotional intelligence. Here, you have to manage both the pleasant as well as the unpleasant emotions, as well as to monitor them then reflecting on them. You need to understand how to prolong your attachment or detach yourself from the emotional state and learn to manage your emotions both within you and in other people.

Importance of Emotional Intelligence One of the most enduring stories of life in the United States takes place in a small town in Alabama, as penned by Harper Lee. To Kill A Mockingbird is standard teaching in many schools across the United States because it deals with issues that impacted Americans in the early 19th century but which still affect us today. In to Kill A Mockingbird, one of the characters says (to paraphrase) that a person can never be really understood until you walk a day in their shoes. That adage has become a common phrase that people use in parlance, but it illustrates how important empathy, and by extension, emotional intelligence, can be in creating communities where individuals understand one another and are able to work well together. You do not have to live in Monroeville, Alabama to understand the importance of emotional intelligence. It was Harper Lee’s experiences living in this town in the 1930s that helped her create the images of the town of Macomb that are stilled burned into the minds of people who read years ago. Even in seemingly close-knit communities, members can suffer from problems identifying or interacting with one another. But as Atticus Finch says, we never really understand people until we view the world through their eyes. It goes without saying that relating to others can be difficult sometimes, that is why empathy and emotional intelligence are such critical skills, especially for leaders. Many of us come from different cultural backgrounds, have different age demographics, different interests, or have a host of other things about us that make us singular, but we still have to be able to relate to one another on some functional level in order to live together. We do not have to be as starkly different as some of the characters and groups in To Kill A Mockingbird are in order to illustrate the point of

the importance of empathy. Even within close-knit groups of people who may seem similar, albeit on the surface, people can still experience the seemingly insurmountable task of relating to and experiencing another’s experiences. This may lead some to think that life would be a lot easier if we were all the same, and this is something that some people have suggested as ways that human beings might progress in the future. Some scientists claim that they can eliminate suffering by modifying genes to remove birth defects, allergies, illnesses, dwarfism or other causes of short heights. What is next? Eliminating genes that cause people to be too tall or bad at music? One could argue that it is these differences among people that make life interesting and exciting. If people were all the same, then artists and poets would have no inspiration. It would be hard to pen a poem about a beautiful woman if all women looked exactly the same. Every poet has their own idea of the sort of person, or even the sort of object, that inspires them. The point here is that differences should not be perceived as an obstacle that needs to be overcome by emotional intelligence. Studies suggest that good leaders use empathy to relate to people that have different skill backgrounds, hail from different parts of the world, or otherwise distinguishable from others the leaders typically work with. Does this mean that leaders should only hire certain types of people? No. Studies also show that diverse workforces lead to innovation and resilience as a diverse group is capable of coming up with a diverse set of ideas that may prove beneficial to a company. Therefore, if you are approaching the subject of emotional intelligence from the standpoint of improving leadership capabilities or another workplace skillset, keep in mind that being able to empathize with people makes you a better leader and ultimately benefits your organization.

In fact, empathy is regarded as so important to company dynamics that some organizations have begun to pen empathy manuals or guides to help their employees learn to be more empathetic. As we have established, emotional intelligence is not merely something that you are born with and that is it: the end of the story. Emotional intelligence can be learned. Team leaders can train for emotional intelligence and coach it with regular training initiatives. Although this may seem like devoting time toward something that provides minimal (albeit some) benefit to an organization, the potential benefits are actually so great that it is difficult to accurately measure them. Studies show that 50% of managers are rated poorly by their employees. It is believed that much of this poor assessment of leadership by staff stems, at least in part, from a lack of emotional intelligence shown by leadership. There is a saying, People may not remember what you said to them, but they will remember how you made them feel. Leaders who are able to show active empathy engender the support, confidence, and respect of their employees and peers alike. Remember, empathy is not merely just sympathy—that is, demonstrating tolerance and compassion. The key here is to have empathy: to truly feel what another is feeling. The mother who is dealing with a sick child and is distressed. The father who is working multiple jobs to make ends meet and still cannot keep his head above water. Being a leader means truly jumping into another’s skin and relating to them. You do not want to be the manager who fires that aforementioned father for a minor infraction. This will not only adversely impact the individual who is fired, but it also impacts how your employees perceive you: as someone who lacks empathy for others. We can drive the point home further by pointing out that others can generally tell when someone is being genuine with them or not. You may

demonstrate being sympathetic for others through your words and gestures, which is important, but if you do not actually have empathy within yourself, then it will show. This exercise is not as difficult as it may seem to some people. This is not about putting on a show. Having empathy is as simple as thinking that just as you would want someone to relate to you when you are going through a difficult time, by the same token you should learn to relate to others when they are going through their own troubles. Of course, part of the problem here is that life does not always dole out the hard times equally. Some people may have difficulty feeling empathy because they have not had many struggles in their own lives. People in the United States often do not feel sympathy for the homeless because they make assumptions about who homeless people are and why they are homeless. It can be difficult for people to really walk in another’s shoes when they actually have not walked in their shoes. But if you remember that life can change in an instant and that your own circumstances may change, it may help you to see that others going through hard times really are not that different from you. The adage goes that we should be compassionate to others because one day we may need someone to be compassionate to us. By showing empathy, we not only infuse our lives with positivity, but we help to encourage empathy in others. Going back to the point of empathy as a critical leadership skill, by demonstrating empathic behaviors in their management capacity, a leader also sets the stage for their own employees demonstrating empathy when they go on to become managers. Some individuals reading this may be managers in their organizations. You may be thinking that an organization where everyone is super-sensitive and obsessed with emotions and feelings will be an organization where work is not being performed. Studies suggest

that leaders showing empathy perform betters than leaders that do not. Workers will be more motivated to work for an employer that perceives them as a valued member of the team rather than just another warm body in the assembly line. It may help future and present leaders to use the analogy of the leader as a king and his or her team as the subjects. Subjects that are dissatisfied with the king or feel that the king is unconcerned with them rebel or they do not support the king when the king turns to them for support. Louis XIV of France famously said, “I am the state,” and he may have meant that power in the kingdom was concentrated in his own person, but he also made the statement that the king was somehow intrinsically connected with the collective achievement of both the people and the kingdom. This was illustrated all too well when, almost 80 years after the death of Louis XIV, the people of Paris stormed the Bastille and began the French Revolution, one of the most important events in world history. The French Revolution set the stage for the political and social changes that have created the world that we live in. If it were not for the French Revolution, men and women in the Western world might still be paying feudal dues to their lords and being excluded from any expression of political or personal power. By failing to have empathy for their people, the kings of France became alienated from them, which caused the people to see the kings as being responsible for their sufferings (which they were, at least in part). There is a film called Jefferson In Paris that demonstrated how little empathy the wealthy elites of France had for the peasants that toiled the land and generated the wealth that the peasants spent. In this scene, a noble couple had a fancy dinner and it becomes warm in the dining room. They tell the servants to smash the windows to let the air in because the windows were

designed to not be opened. The windows that were smashed would be replaced. Whenever the couple entertained and the temperature grew to warm, the windows were smashed only to be replaced the next day. All of which was paid for by peasants who could not feed their children. This is an extreme example of a society where there is no empathy, or at least where a segment of the population feels no empathy for the other. It is frightening to think that our own society moves in this similar direction, especially in a country like the United States that was intended to represent a set of rights designed to engender personal freedom and to resist tyrannical institutions.

Chapter 73: How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

In any competitive environment, you need to develop your emotional intelligence so that you succeed at what you do. Let us look at the top ways of increasing your emotional intelligence: Learn to Respond instead of Reacting When faced with a situation that threatens to become conflicting, you need to learn to respond rather than reacting to the conflict. When faced with a conflict, feelings of anger, as well as high levels of emotions, are too common. They push you to make impulsive decisions which will lead to bigger problems as well. You need to understand that when faced with conflict, the solution you are looking for is a resolution to that conflict and nothing else. You also ought to understand that conflict resolution is all about the two of you – when you fail to see sense in the argument, you will not see an end to the conflict. Learn to Listen Many conversations go south because one of the people that are involved in the conversation fails to listen to what the other person is saying. Emotionally intelligent people have mastered the art of listening, and they wait for their turn before they speak. They make sure that they listen and then understand what is being said before they respond.

They also listen to the body language of the conversation, making sure that they read the various facial expressions, the gestures and body movements of the person before they make any assumptions. When you learn to listen, you prevent any misunderstandings that might come up, and you also learn to respond the right way and show respect to the person you are speaking to. Maintain a Positive Attitude Anytime you approach someone with a negative attitude; you will not listen at all to what they have to say. This is because you have already made a judgment in your mind that the person is wrong or that they aren’t up to par, and this will become a stumbling block when it comes to an understanding of them. Emotionally intelligent people have learned how to be aware of those around them, and they reserve their attitude so that they don’t let anything slip. They know what they need to do so that they can have a good day and enjoy an optimistic outlook toward other people. Take Criticisms Well A vital part of increasing your emotional intelligence is to tale criticisms well. Instead of always getting defensive or offended for small things, you need to take some time to understand where the criticism is coming from and then how it affects other people or their performance. They then take some time to resolve any issues that come up in a constructive manner. They Empathize People that are emotionally intelligent have the capacity to empathize with others. They know that empathy shows that they are strong, not weak. When you are empathetic, you get to relate to other people at a basic human

level, and it opens a lot of doors for mutual respect and understanding between people that have differing opinions. Emotion Intelligence and Empathy Many empaths suppress their gifted abilities, which can come across in a number of physical, mental, and emotional symptoms. When an empath suppresses or blocks their abilities, they often suffer from an increase in aggression, addictive behaviors, poor health choices, negative self-talk, weakness, chronic pain, and more. These symptoms are due to the blocked energy you may be holding or due to the fact that you are going against what is in your very nature. While it is understandable why an empath would want to hide their ability, this is often because of a lack of understanding them. When an empath can fully understand just what they are capable of, this gift will no longer feel like a burden but something unique that they are willing to use and share with the world. One of the first steps in helping to develop your empath gift is to first understand and accept that while you can feel other people’s emotions and energies, they are not your responsibility. Yes, you may fully understand what they are going through, and you can provide them with ways to heal or overcome these things, but that is all you can do. It is up to the other person to accept the guidance you provide, and it is their choice alone as to whether or not they do. You may be feeling a great need to be persistent in helping people, but they are the ones that have to take action. You can only do so much, and once you become fully understanding of this, you will be more willing to embrace your gift. You won’t be able to help everyone, but those you do help will take it with grace and gratitude. Increase Emotional Intelligence

It may seem as though empaths would have a rather high emotional intelligence naturally. Emotional intelligence refers to one’s ability not only to understand their own emotions but also to understand the emotions of others. It also refers to one’s ability to properly manage and emotions and process emotional cues of others so as to react appropriately to them. While empaths may be able to understand emotions on a deeper level, this does not always translate to their ability to properly manage or separate their emotions from others. In order for an empath to develop their abilities, they need to first increase their emotional intelligence. This will allow them to distinguish their own feelings from those of someone else, this will allow them to react and manage these emotions in an effective way. To increase emotional intelligence, one must focus on five key components of emotional intelligence. 1. Self-awareness. Without first developing your self-awareness, you will not be able to effectively develop the other components that will increase your emotional intelligence. Self-awareness for an empath is especially important as it relates to your ability to recognize your own emotions, how you handle your emotions, what triggers them, and how their emotions can impact those around them. Being able to fully understand your own emotions will make it far easier to distinguish between your emotions and those you feel from others. 2. Self-regulation. Self-regulation is a crucial factor for increasing emotional intelligence. When you are able to self-regulate, you are able to respond appropriately to the emotions you are feeling. For an empath, this is a valuable skill to develop because it focuses on being able to regulate not only the effects your own emotions have on you but also the effects of others’ emotions. One of the best techniques for self-regulation is to focus on your breathing. When you become overwhelmed by emotions, yours or

others, it is best to turn your attention to your breath. Focus on keeping it steady and calm. This will allow you to let the emotions run their course and keep a clear mind. When the intensity of these emotions dissipates, you will be able to better recognize which were your own and which ones are from others. As an empath, this can be a helpful and quick way to remain calm when confronted with intense emotions from multiple people. Remember to keep your focus on your breath; when you notice you are putting too much attention to the emotions you are feeling, remind yourself to return to your breath. Self-regulation is what can make the increase of the other areas of your emotional intelligence possible. It is through self-regulation that you can truly begin to understand the control you have over your own emotions, and this understanding as an empath will allow you to better control how you let other people’s emotions affect you. If you do not develop your selfregulation, you will constantly feel overwhelmed and bombarded by emotions and react in unhealthy or unproductive ways. 3. Motivation. There are many factors that can motivate individuals; most empaths are motivated by the desire to help and heal others. In order to increase your motivational skills, you need to keep track of what you have accomplished even if it didn’t turn out the way you anticipated. For an empath, this can be a list of ways you were able to comfort others or how many times you turned the negative energy you absorb into positive. Motivation can come in many forms, but you have first to be able to recognize and celebrate the things you accomplish. Empaths can be challenged by this when they are confronted with an overwhelming amount of negative energy. It is through this component that many empaths can learn to see how they have been able to overcome these negative situations and focus on the positive outcomes of the day.

4. Empathy. Empathy is a skill most empaths will not need to work on much since they naturally are highly empathic individuals. This doesn’t mean there might not be room for improvement. Having empathy allows you to step into the other person’s shoes, but it is also about being there to help the other person work through what they are feeling. This is the desire for all empaths, but this is where things can get off-balance with the empathy component. Most empaths take empathy to the extreme, which is what will cause their energy levels to drop and is what causes empaths to shut off their gift abilities. Finding a balance between fully understanding how another feels and effective ways to help is a fine line. What can help an empath gain better balance is to practice loving-kindness. This is a simple process that allows you to send love and kindness to those who need it in your life or to those you are grateful for. This can be an effective practice that will help empaths release the negative energy they absorb from others and transform it into loving and positive vibes. 5. Social skills. For an empath, developing healthy social skills can be overwhelming, but in working on this key factor of emotional intelligence, you will be able to put to use all the other skills you have been developing. When you develop your social skills, you will find that using your empath gift to help and heal others becomes much easier. Social skills refer to your ability to manage and maintain not only relationships with others but also the impact you have on them. How can you influence a more positive way and move them in a direction that is beneficial for both of you? Increasing your emotional intelligence as an empath can greatly help in distinguishing your emotions from others, as well as give you a better idea of how you can use your abilities in the most beneficial way. But increasing your emotional intelligence, as with everything in life, requires having balance. If you focus too much on improving one area of emotional

intelligence over another, you can lose sight of your goals, self, and confidence in your abilities. Aside from increasing your emotional intelligence, empaths can also develop their gift through other practices and techniques.

Chapter 74: How Empathy Affects Your Daily Life? If you are an Empath, then you are familiar with how much your gift can impact your overall daily life and existence. Having sensitivities to a variety of things can alter your ability to enjoy or function well in all of your daily life circumstances. In general, empathy is not debilitating, and you are not required to become a recluse in order to thrive as an Empath, however it can benefit you to understand how being an Empath can have an impact on your daily life. Not all of these situations will apply to you, but as an Empath, you may know other Empaths who apply to some or all of these situations and it is good for all Empaths to have a regard and understanding for the various ways that your sensitivities can affect your life experience overall. Home Your home is where you relax, sleep, cook meals, enjoy rest, spend time with family, or spend time alone, have visitors or parties, explore yourself more deeply and find sanctuary. Most people’s homes are a reflection of their souls and how they feel about themselves as a person. We see so many places around the world that have a different version of what “home” truly means, but for this subject we are talking about the physical structure that you go to for rest, comfort and personal pleasure. Your home has a lot of energy to it and it comes and goes, just as the energy of a person does. When your home feels relaxing, safe, cozy and comfortable, the energy of your home is in harmony with who you are and how you are feeling. When your home feels uncomfortable, tense, dark, or

uncertain, it can mean that another person’s energy has influenced your home and the energy inside. As an Empath you are familiar with how a person’s emotions can leave a mark, imprint or residue on your own energy. It is important to realize that your home can also receive that energy after a tense argument or conversation, a difficult contact showing up unexpectedly, uncomfortable news, or any other person’s emotional state that you happen to be sharing your home space with, whether that is your partner, friend, children or pets. Your house is an extension of yourself and if you share your house with more than just you, a cat and a few houseplants, then you are going to be living in the thick of other people’s emotions and that has a strong impact on your ability to rest, recuperate and recover from other stimulating experiences throughout your day. There are a lot of different spaces throughout the house as well and some may feel more intense than others. If you are sensitive to sounds and bright lights, as well as other people’s energy, then it may be very difficult for you to sit in the living room with everyone who wants to watch Friday night football, or the latest sitcom. The kitchen is a dynamic room that involves a lot of banging pots and pans, fast movements in order to get the meal prepared in a certain time frame and everyone looking for a plate for dinner at the same time. The kitchen is also a room filled with many strong smells, noises and other components that can feel very stimulating. The bedroom is where sleep and rest are a must and can be considered the heart of the home sanctuary. If you are dealing with unwelcome and uncomfortable feelings in the bedroom from other people, or from relationship concerns, you will not be able to properly rest until you have

cleared and cleansed that energy from your sleeping area. Many Empaths have insomnia because of holding onto other people’s feelings and emotions and carrying them into bed with them at night. Your home is energetically a part of your existence and since you will spend a lot of time there it is important for the Empath to make it a safe and grounding space to refresh your energy and find peace and rest. Work The workplace is dynamic and takes many forms and involves many people. If you are an Empath and living well in your life, then you may have already selected the right profession for you to stay in balance with your energy and your skills. So many Empaths, however, end up working in jobs or careers that don’t support their gifts and leave them feeling the opposite of inspired. There are a lot of dynamic forces in the workplace and depending on what your job is, those may include: •

Hierarchy of staff positions

•

Meetings

•

Deadlines

•

Reports

•

Promotions

•

Raise in income

•

Team building

•

Performance expectations

•

Specific styles of organization

•

Customer service

•

Telephone calls, including telemarketing

•

Time clocks

•

Punishment for tardiness, or failure to meet company standards

•

Long work hours or work weeks

•

Co-worker relationships or friendships

Jobs vary from business to business and depending on what you are doing currently for a living, some, none or all of these may relate to your present career. The main thing to note about all of these work-related situations or dynamics is that they all carry a certain kind of energy for the whole group you are working with. You may not feel a need to compete for the big promotion, or be best friends with everyone in the office, or argue with any of the deadlines, but you will have to encounter the energy behind all of these things. People put a significant amount of pressure on themselves in the workplace. If you are an Empath, you may be feeling all of this as if they are your own feelings about your job. Many people feel competitive at work for raises and bonuses which can feel like an excellent reward for a job well done, but you are also absorbing all of the energy of your coworkers who may be clamoring for the big bonus and it can overwhelm you and your energy. There can be a lot of inner-office drama between coworkers and as the Empath on staff, you may be getting the brunt of everyone’s issues with soand-so, even when you don’t agree with everything people are saying or feeling about the new hire. Sometimes people complain a lot about their boss or the system of staff hierarchy which can leave an off energy in the room when the boss enters moment.

Most people can feel the tension in the room or in the office a lot of the time, but the Empath feels it five times more and has to recover from these work-related dramas in another way. If you are not grounding and balancing your energy regularly, then you may start to act and feel like other people do around the boss, even if you never had any issues with him/her in the first place. The reason an Empath can feel so heavy or emotional is because of how easy it is for them to pick up other people’s energy and start experiencing it as though it belongs to them. The workplace is full of many different kinds of individuals with a variety of backgrounds, personal histories, difficult home lives and repressed emotions. There are likely as many grounded, joyful, content, professional and optimistic colleagues, but for the Empath, it is very easy to tell whose negative energy you are most sensitive to. You may not have even begun to develop an awareness yet about how you relate your empathic abilities to your work life, and now is an excellent place to start. Ask yourself some of the following questions as they apply to your own work experience: 1.

Do you dread going to work most of the time?

2.

Do you eat alone on your lunch break intentionally?

3.

Do you keep to yourself and then feel uncomfortable in group

meetings or team building activities? 4.

Are you reluctant to attend company parties, picnics, or other bonding

events? 5.

Do you find yourself partnering with certain individuals who have

strong opinions about the boss or other staff and then come to realize at home that you wish you hadn’t said anything negative after all?

6.

Do you feel exhausted after making telephone calls multiple times a

day for work? 7.

Do you feel drained after working and collaborating with others in a

board room, office or conference call? 8.

Do you procrastinate or deliberate about whether you need to look for

another job to find something that feels like a better fit for you? 9. Do you go home feeling angry, sad, upset, frustrated, annoyed, jealous or dissatisfied? 10.

Have you ever had a job in which you truly felt like yourself and if

not, do you try to figure out what that job or career might be for you? Several of these questions may not apply to your current work or profession, but they are a great jumping off point to get you to understand how, as an Empath, your job life can have a deep impact on your level of contentment and emotional balance. Many people leave the workplace at the end of the day or week feeling exhausted, frustrated, inadequate, or unhappy, but not everyone feels it the way an Empath does. For an Empath, the workplace can be the greatest cause of low energy, depression, sadness, fatigue, sickness, poor health, unhappiness and discomfort. How you treat your empathic gift will help you thrive better in your career so that you can function well and thrive, no matter what job you decide is best for you.

Conclusion It might not get better overnight, and you may feel some things grow out of you that you weren’t expecting, but that is the best part. As you embrace your gift and face the challenge of making your life fit you and your Empath skills better, you will begin to notice such a difference in your energy, your relationships, your career, and your life. You don’t have to study these techniques every day or use them in every situation but I guarantee that as you do utilize these concepts and create more space for yourself and your own feelings, it will change your life and you will see your potential in a new way. Continue to blossom and grow with your gifts by honoring what you need to do to take care of your own energy first. Make it an important part of your life experience and enjoy what being an Empath has to offer you in more ways than one. Explore the possibilities of what you can do when you are living well with your gift. There will always be ups and downs in life and the decision to become better acquainted with your abilities will help you navigate those times more fluidly and effectively. You can always use these tools to help you support your path and your energy so that it doesn’t get out of hand ever again. Take time for yourself and follow your heart. The gift of being an Empath will always guide you in the right direction. Let it show you the way by following your instincts, intuition, and understanding of the world with your heightened senses. Being an Empath is only difficult if you allow it to be. Take control of your gifts and let the world see how wonderful you truly are.

EMPATH HEALING By David Soul

Introduction Empath healers can often find themselves filling leadership roles in the lives of others, whether they intend to or not. When an empath becomes empowered, they emit an energetic glow that naturally attracts those who are in need of guidance and healing themselves; these people tend to thrust empowered empaths into roles like that of a guru, life coach, spiritual guide, or teacher. When this happens, it can be challenging on multiple fronts. Many empaths aren’t used to being the center of attention, being looked up to, being given space to speak without interruption or negation, or being seen as an authority figure. This form of power can be unfamiliar to empaths, and thus, some fail to mature into these roles gracefully. They may become overwhelmed by their new sense of responsibility for the well-being of others; or, alternatively, they may allow this power to go to their heads, in which case they may start to see their followers less as students or patients, and more like avatars in a video game, an extension of the empath’s identity that they can, and should, control. This becomes even more challenging when the empath’s followers are engaged in risky behaviors or toxic relationships, and are not able, for whatever reason, to alter the dangerous circumstances of their lives urgently. If you are considering taking the plunge and offering your services as a healer, therapist, or counselor of any kind, take a moment right now to pause and evaluate your own ability to resist the temptation to control. Most of us like to believe that we would never want to control other people—that such a desire goes against our very nature—but realistically, when the going gets rough, the impulse to exert control over those who rely on us for

guidance can switch on very suddenly, like a light switch. Just ask any parent of a running toddler—when someone you care for is endangering themselves, instinct takes over, and it generally chooses to use force rather than gentle guidance. If a toddler were running towards a busy intersection, most of us would, understandably, choose to scoop them up in our arms and take them elsewhere, rather than gently urging them to stay mindful of their surroundings. In earlier times, the empaths were our shamans and healers and were trained from puberty. This enabled the whole community to benefit from this gift. The empaths avoided the negative consequences that arise today, where such training, from an experienced empath, takes place only rarely. In addition, such communities were closer to nature and less crowded than they are today. This made the people less chaotic and contradictory. Most people who have the gift of empathy don't see them at all as gifts and would love to get rid of them. The modern world is a melting pot of distorted and desperate energies: strong emotional projections, hidden intentions (whether personal or global), WIFI, cell phone radiation, electromagnetic emissions, multi-media marketing (specially designed to stimulate us) processed foods, TV, the dull roar of consumption. Nowadays every empath has to empathize with this chaos, at least until he has learned to consciously shut himself off. The consequences are, for example, various mental illnesses, which essentially result from the fact that an empath cannot develop an "I-feeling". The "I" and the "other" blur because he often feels foreign feelings much more than his own and he can no longer distinguish them. There are also contradictions from the environment when someone says it is okay and the empath feels that it is not right or double messages from parents in

childhood. (The empath feels one message and hears and sees another, and now no longer knows what to think is true). This leads to great uncertainty. While normal people discover themselves in puberty, an empath does not know who he is at all and often enough considers everything he feels from others to be his "I". This conflict often persists long after puberty. Most empaths suffer unnecessarily because they cannot let go of their personal emotional attachment to feelings. The most important key to mastery is letting go of emotional attachment. Inner contradictions and empathic old feeling patterns, which are repeated or brought out again by current experiences, are particularly exhausting for empaths. Natural problems of the present are also painful, but not so confusing and have a completely different healing quality. An insecure empath can typically match the vibration of the sad person, and as a result of once more, the subconscious belief is that to be 'liked' by somebody, they tend to should be like that somebody. From the attitude of being perpetually swamped by others' feelings, at first, simply to induce off from everybody, are precisely what empathy healers are. Through their dedication to healing work, the Universe aligns them with such a lot of varied healing techniques and practices since that point that changes them to measure totally and mirthfully in power as an Empath. In order to understand why empaths are so well suited to the healing arts, we must first look at their most common characteristics, and examine the ways in which the empath typically differs from the average individual. We will also clarify the definition of empathy as a fluid, rather than fixed, trait, which can be both good and bad, rather than the exemplary moral virtue it is often believed to be.

Many of us fall into the habit of describing empathy as a personality trait that people either have in spades or lack entirely. It does simplify things when we look at the personalities of others as innate, fixed, and predictable, allowing us to praise and embrace those we think of as warm and giving, while we can write off those we see as callous or self-absorbed.

Chapter 75: What Is Empath Healing?

Empathic healing is a steady, progressive process. So, start small, and before you know it, you start to get the hang of it. All you have to do is practice grounding and centering your energy. Learn to control it and learn to transmute it or absorb it as needed. There is no particular rule to empathic healing, but there are basics: As an empath using your abilities, you can sense what a person is going through, what problems they have mentally or emotionally. As you center yourself and use your mind's eye to scan through someone's body internally, if they are healthy, they should give off a steady pink or bright colored hue; but when there is a problem somewhere, that area has a dull grey or black hue. With your connection to the person, you will be able to tell if the person is in pain, sad, hurt, stressed, or angry. Negative emotions are always associated with low and unbalanced energy levels, so your job as the empathic healer is to send a wave of positive energy through this person to increase their energy levels and balance it. This can usually be done by maintaining contact with that person, maybe by holding hands, hugging or just by placing a hand on the person. I should state that contact isn't necessary. Distance is nothing, when healing. You just have to concentrate and channel that healing power from the ethereal plane. You have the ability to use this method to heal anything from anxiety, stress, or depression, to fear, anger, physical and emotional pain. This is a gift you must use for the benefit of all others!

Before you begin this process, it is important to prime your patient to expect positive results. You can do this by playing soothing music or explaining to them how energy and vibration work. You can also offer them research which actually backs up the fact that your ability to heal them depends a lot on their ability to accept the healing. Anything to help them believe is going to do just great. It also helps to get them to relax, by whatever beneficial means possible. Belief in the process of empathic healing is a mutual requirement. You and the person being healed have to accept the reality of this ability. The person to be healed also has to be receptive to the positive energy coming through them. I am sure at some point or the other in your life, you must have been called to speak in front of a set of people. We all know how it is. If you keep nurturing that fear and doubt, you go there and you find your palms sweating and your feet shaking. The moment you resign yourself to doing great, you will notice that you become more at ease and in control of yourself. It's the same with empathic healing. Once you believe you're going to achieve a positive outcome, that's invariably what happens! You have to be able to tune into that great source of power within you. Accept who you are first and foremost, because only then will you be able to make a change in anyone else’s life. Being an empath is an eye-opening experience. It makes you see the world in a different light. The air seems to crackle with energy. The soil under your feet seems to be more than dirt to you. You feel completely in your element. That's because you are in partnership with nature, and in touch with yourself!

You have the elements at your command. You are able to control all that is around you. You have unimaginable power coursing through you, just waiting to be unleashed for the good of all humanity! That power is at the tip of your fingers waiting to be used. Healing is only one of a few things you can really do. Imagine for a second, the immense satisfaction you would feel at being able to do something that gives you purpose. Something that makes your life feel brand new every day! That's what it's like when you are able to positively affect a person's life as an empath. If someone comes to you in pain, why not do something about it as an empath? Why not help them transmute that pain and let healing energy flow through you to them? Start Small I do have to advise caution, because our subconscious naturally detests abrupt changes. They throw us off balance. So, if you are an introverted empath, trying to dive head first into constant relationships and connections isn't going to work. Your mind and spirit are going to rebel, and they're going to rebel hard. So, ease into it, slow and steady. You could even start with yourself in fact, you should! Then you can progress toward healing others around you, and gradually expand your circle. You could start by easing your Nana's joint pain, or your mum's stress, or your brother's emotional hurt. When you find yourself comfortable doing this, you could try other people.

Just remember that there is no pressure. You are in no competition with anyone. Take your time! You Are More Than Your Body Your organs, your body, your thoughts, your feelings all have their particular energy or vibration. Every organ vibrates at its own energy frequency. Every feeling has its own unique vibration, and because of this, what we eat, what we feel, even what we drink has a direct effect on our wellbeing. The human physiology is a very complex thing. We are made of our physical bodies, spiritual bodies, and our astral bodies. The thing is Western medicine never acknowledges this. In fact, all Western medicine does is treat the human body as though the brain and emotions do not have a direct impact on our physical capacities. Other native cultures have known this for a very long time and have used this knowledge to heal people effectively. We have been conditioned to believe that our health only depends on exercising regularly, eating good food, having enough sleep and the usual advice you'd find in Reader's Digest or something. What we do not know is that our bodies are stronger or weaker because of the other bodies found in our being. As an empathic healer you have to watch for inconsistent vibrations in your patients because that is what nurtures sicknesses in the body. Your etheric body is filled with energy that saturates your physical body, feeding it and maintaining your health. Without it, the body can't survive. That is why in some severe illnesses, people tend to say they feel the life draining out of them. This etheric energy fuels our physical bodies. It is what the Chinese call "chi," as I've mentioned before. This energy passes through our organs and

every center of energy we have in the body. All living things including plants and creatures have an etheric body. Keeping these channels clean from negative energy is essential to maintaining our spiritual balance. The use of tantric sex, pranayama, and needle therapy helps to open up the progression of energy through the body. To be able to use your actual healing power, you have to take charge of your emotions. You need to get a handle on your triggers, and deal with them. When our emotions are all over the place, we become vulnerable. I have found that people do not grow or progress because they spend precious time wallowing in self-pity over situations they can't change. What you should do is lift your head up and walk out of that situation like a boss. I learnt through constant reflection that only few out of every odd thought I have had is worth my stress and time, most especially if nothing I say or do can change the results of that thought. So, I move on! If you feel constantly bombarded by unwanted thoughts and emotions, just imagine a ring of white light around you. Easing the Way for Your Healing Power Negative energy can really block your chakras and affect your energy balance. Healing power is supposed to be pure and bright. As an empathic healer, this should be one of your very main concerns. If you block your pure energy, you will be unable to heal. I have a few methods I use to unblock my energy and chakras that might work for you too. It doesn't necessarily have to be your own energy blocked all the time. You could have a patient with a blocked energy field. If this is the case, you need to know what to do about it.

This might seem very silly, but I have found that laughter helps lighten and unburden my spirit. it elevates my mood all the time. So, you could watch a bit of comedy and laugh until your sides start to hurt and tears of joy start to stream down your cheeks, and you would feel your energy field clearing out! Empathic healing is a soul deep process and sucks out the energy in you. You might find yourself emotionally drained, and when you do, I would recommend a good soak in a salt bath. This helps with every layer of your being and removes impurities. Water itself is a conscious being that you can manipulate and use as you wish. To has very deep, cleansing properties. It also works with herbs, flower essences, and oils. These substances give it more strength. Salt is used to draw out all those stubborn negative energies that feed off you like parasites. Also, vinegar can also be used to neutralize the effects of these energies as well. I usually add a cup of Epsom salt, lavender, yarrow, chamomile, eucalyptus oil, and rose petals to my salt baths. I would be remiss if I didn't share one of my favorite cleansing techniques with you. It involves using golden light during meditation. This is the same process usually referred to as ethereal conditioning. Just close your eyes and withdraw into yourself. Tune out every noise around you. Remind yourself that you are a spiritual being, and create a golden light and watch it spread and illuminate every aspect of your being. Empathic healing is not a widely common phenomenon at the moment. I think this is mostly because science has been unable to explain it, but it sure does work. You can even use it on yourself!

Chapter 76: Who Are Empathy Healers? To better describe what an empathy healer is and what makes them a healer an empath below mentioned are some points to better describe them

Realization The biggest shift occurs in life after they understand that they didn't have to be compelled to sacrifice their happiness for anyone else’s. They understand that their feelings matter; however, they feel, their emotions and thoughts produce physical matters. They understand they’ve created several prophecies by taking in negative feelings. A time in their life is when they felt that caring for somebody meant virtually giving their last breath to them. They usually would neglect their feelings or desires to indicate up the manner that others required them to. At some purpose, they conjointly understand; however, usually, individuals mistook their real kindness as a weakness. They believe they will all escort the flow and follow the trail of effort. They're aware that some relationships are inherently unequal. However, they've to let go of carrying all the burden.

Remember feeling refreshed When they are immersed in empath fatigue, dragging themselves through each moment will be troublesome to recollect what it sounds like to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. However, everybody has had times in their life once they have felt a better level of energy. They recall those times, despite, however transient. Maybe it was a sense of pleasure over a forthcoming event that offered a burst of energy. Perhaps they recall a vacation at a peaceful location that allowed them some emotional period. The decision to mind as again and again as once they felt relief from the overwhelm. Dig deep into that memory and extremely feel; however, it felt to be relaxed and reinvigorated. Recall, however, their body felt. However, their breath relieved. They keep in mind the peaceful smile on their face, the one that takes no effort and no muscles because it comes from deep among and fills their face. As they are doing this, their body responds to the memory as if it's occurring without delay. The escape in their mind reminds them that it's attainable to feel refreshed, and also the easy nature of memory doesn’t add to any extent further to their plate.

Make choices They finally create choices once they are thus uninterested with all the emotional weight, they’ve been carrying that vowed them to prevent. They tell themselves, loudly and with pride, enough! Even as someone creating a new year’s resolution, in this moment of clarity and call, they felt a burst of energetic pride. Once they create this declaration, they use their thoughts to grant themselves a burst of energy. Through their clarity, they are ready to gain a better energetic state. Creating a choice, they take hold of the approach they need to feel, offers a burst of energy they didn’t recognize was dormant among them. Merely creating a choice, any call, despite however huge or tiny, offers them clarity that brings with it this vital of energy.

Setting Clear Boundaries They eventually learn to stay up for their betterment. They stop being a doormat. If somebody isn’t treating them well, they are saying in an exceedingly firm, neutral tone, “Let’s talk about this after you’re calmer” or “It hurts my feelings once you say. I’d be glad if you stop.” Saying no is an art. Empaths are usually afraid to frustrate and pain others; however, it’s vital to induce within the act of claiming once things don’t feel good. So, they simply merely learn to say no that seems to be a life-saving strategy from them.

It’s a mind game Feeling fatigued is all a state of mind. And the state of mind modifies rapidly. By practicing completely different methods on an everyday basis, they slowly shift their state of mind and their beliefs. They overcome their fatigue by merely changing their thoughts concerning people and situations. They recall once they have felt reinvigorated, gain clarity in their life, reach for the next frequency feeling, and appreciate each moment they feel a touch relief. By doing this stuff systematically, they notice a gradual shift in their everyday level of energy and should even realize enjoying the road to a better state of being. Instead of saying, I'm continually tired, or I want I may get a clear stage, they start these days by pivoting these thoughts to reality.

Vibrate higher Fatigue comes from lower wave emotions. Higher frequency emotions seem exhausting as they're viewing them from an area of no energy. They acknowledge that with joy, happiness, and excitement comes action, which sounds not possible after they are exhausted. The truth is that as they work for the emotional scale, their energy increases exponentially. So that they reach for higher frequency feelings even after they feel thus exhausted by shifting their thoughts ever slightly to attain an emotion simply above their current state.

Reframing This allows them to look at the experiences they are having from the attitude of the upper self instead of the ego or the temperament. It helps them to spot their own psychological feature biases and, therefore, how they're connected to the story. After they produce stories regarding their experiences supported past encounters to limit their ability to be enlightened regarding the actual nature of reality. Empaths are healers solely to the complete extent that they perceive the flow of energy. They have a tendency to be acknowledged that no emotional or physical state is permanent. They tend to don't need to carry these sufferings with them through life. Instead, empaths should permit themselves to unleash these negative emotions. Holding onto them out of guilt, feeling accountable, or unknowingness of their ability to unleash them solely blocks the flow of energy through them. They'll perpetually absorb the emotions of others, and however, once they are ready to acknowledge it and unleash it, they can relieve suffering and, in turn, relieve the suffering of others who are willing. They start experiencing life where they start feeling rejuvenated daily and prepare to assist those in want. They let go of the energies that don't belong to them and permit the free flow that they tend to experience. This confidence is vital. To begin learning intention on to existence rather riveting the lower vibrations of others are a lot of centered and definitive in their belief, light, healing, and therefore the power of affection overconcern. They're radically amative, positive, and compassionate. It doesn’t mean responding to different people’s unhappiness or negativity with a response that utterly dismisses the reality of their moment; that is that they're feeling frightened or upset. It solely means rather than

responding with validation or encouragement of others' negative outlook, and they respond with understanding, however conjointly complimentary support. In essence, rather than lowering themselves to satisfy them wherever they're at, they respond with the next vibration that forces them to rise to their frequency. The best part is coming back to an area wherever they start to heal and unravel their own inhibited emotions, and they start to embody such a high frequency that their mere presence is like a healing crystal for themselves. They now no more feel the need to be everything to everybody. The globe now not maybe a chilling and overwhelming place wherever they feel unprotected from gripping the suffering and ill feelings of others. However, it becomes their consciousness playground wherever they get to observe taking the high road with others. Eventually, they begin to be happier, healthier, and feel a lot of fulfilling interactions with others.

Chapter 77: Story of Empath Healing There are different kinds of perspectives of people, and everyone has their own unique stories. To understand the meaning of an empath, there is a lady who shared her story with us here name is ‘Catherine Liggett.’ She described that most of her client's work practice and they try to identify whether a person is intuitive or empathic to some extent. She has worked with a lot of people and listened to many stories from an empathic people, she met a lot of people who can pick up the emotions, who are intuitive, and who understands the pain of others. After listening to many people's stories, she came up with the pattern. She realized that there is an origin story like there is a traceable patter for many people out there who are living their lives and facing empaths. She claims that she is very passionate about bringing more into the spiritual discourse that is out there is the fact that being an empathy yes it is a gift from mother nature and this is considered to be a superpower of humankind. Still, this empathic ability is sometimes counted as the disability as well. Most of the people she worked with, she helped them cope with their empathic nature because it prevents them from functioning in the world. The way they want to, for example, a lot of them cannot tolerate groups. They cannot tolerate parties or at least not for very long, or they feel so drained in their lives by the end of the day, or they feel so drained with their significant relationships, and of course, they don’t want to be, or for some of them, it is so overwhelming the experience of the emotions of others is so overwhelming that they have to clear themselves on a daily basis they have to have these rituals and these processes of self-healing that they do simply to get through the day and perhaps and yes most importantly being

an empathy can also, be a disability because it prevents us or it can prevent us from the process of individuation which is what Carl Jung would call the meaning of human life individuation means that we grow to our fullest potential as a whole a unique human being in this body on this planet in this lifetime and as an empath, we don’t have a solid of self-it’s very hard for us oftentimes to delineate where we begin where our energy begins and where that of another a person begins and ends and so if we cannot tell where we begin and end how are we possibly going to tell what exactly we want from ourselves these questions come in each and every human being they are very excited and hopeful about their lives. How we can possible going to carve our own unique path in the world so here is the origin story she heard and shared with us, she heard this story over and over again from so many different clients who identify as empaths, of course, we are often old souls so souls who have been around the universe for a long time who are born who choose to be born if you will into a family in which at least one of the parents and usually it is the mother does not have the support that s/he needs to thrive & what we do is because we are highly sensitive and attuned and wise we instinctively and unconsciously move into the caretaker role for that parent and so what happens oftentimes is that we never learn where our boundaries are in other words we never become our own person because our identity is hitched to being the caretaker for this parent what that effectively does is we never accept that it is okay to have the emotions that contradict that of the parent for whom were doing the caretaking so for example if my mom if I am sensing that she needs my support but this could also happen that she never asked for my help but it is my instincts that are ready to do anything for my mom because I am his son and it is my job to take care of my family but intuitively as this child become therefore her and how am I possibly going to get angry because there are multiple

things I want in my life and I really want them to conquer but it seems sometimes that life is not going the way I want to which is completely fine but the thing is why life is being so unfair to us. Everyone has only one a life is given. We are not able to live them according to ourselves, or how I am possibly going to say no to her or with any frequency for that matter and because we never get to the test the limits if we are the parents the primary child as often called the caretaker then we never know our power and us never know we life could take us and how we are going to end up in life because of we never go to the limits of our emotional capacity our capacity for will power then we just don’t know where we are and how our lives are going to end. We do not know what we are capable of. Catherine Liggett claims that we have no connections to our power, and we have no connections to our boundaries. In her work experience, she met a client who was extremely empowering a reality and sense of self as a thing that is clay type, she would just go around her reality and very unconsciously just sensing what other people needed from her instead of being self-directed or instead of priority being well what do I want here? Frequently something very tricky is it as females in the society at this time we are socialized anyway that our energy belongs to other people. Still, sometimes this becomes a very selfish thing to make ourselves prior than other to some extent. Still, what we want even though that is actually why we are here on this planet we are living for us because we are here to grow to explore things, we need to understand that life is not only about getting up in the morning, then go to the office, then come back home and sleep life is more than that life can be more beautiful if you guys understand the true meaning of your life. We are here to grow as our unique individuals for ourselves.

She also said that there is another kind of open the dirty secret about the spiritual community and communities of healers Empaths are the good healers because it is their comfort zone it is just there, why these people are so good at it because this superpower is built-in in them, it is their childhood patterns they have been doing this over and over again of being therefor others of having empathic energy be for others and so a lot of healers and intuitive out there like you might if you ever learn about their personal lives and sometimes they be a little surprised because perhaps they are really stuck of themselves they are stagnant if you are not intimate with this kind of community you might put them up on a pedestal but, in actual, it is because they very well might be simply reliving and repeating their own, to be honest, trauma history of giving without receiving you will know who these practitioners are sometimes by the energy that they have if they seem depleted when they are working their body language just intuitively you might pick it up & it doesn’t mean they aren’t good at what they do because of they probably are they have been doing it since they were just a little baby so you might. Mow, you have the idea now, and you can find yourself that you are an empath or not, and do you want to heal people who are in severe pain. She explored more she talked with her a friend of hers who is also a professional the initiative, and they were talking about this idea that being an empathy is actually a disability and she was like I completely agree with that, and she remarked that she noticed that the more that she healed herself, the less empathic she became on other words, the more healing work she did with herself, the more she was able to just go through the world without picking up the feelings and pain of others and that is absolutely true. Empathic is actually more to speak useful to the people we serve when we draw back those empathic tentacles because what someone needs for help, so someone has to be there for that person

someone that has the capacity of helping others, not just for taking advantage, empathic people have real superpowers.

Chapter 78: Empath Medicine It may seem like there are not many options for helping protect and heal yourself. You may wonder what methods you can use externally to help you alleviate outside influences but stay connected to who you are. The goal is not to avoid or numb what you are feeling, but rather to reveal and understand it, so you can release things that are not yours and move forward. The following list is some empath healing plans and medicines to consider: 1. Shield your energy field, or aura. When you are in meditation, with an open heart, consider repeating the phrase, “A strong and impenetrable shield protects my energy field. Outside forces that would harm my aura cannot break or penetrate it. I will not be touched by harmful, negative, or dark sources. The only things I allow past my shield is positivity and higher vibrations. But I can lower my shield when I need.” 2.

Go outside for a hike or a walk. Get into nature to reenter. Take

off your shoes and walk barefoot on the ground, if possible. Try to be alone and quiet. 3. Take a few minutes to meditate. Visualization and mindful meditation are good tools to help you center and ground yourself. Take the time to let go of any negativity that does not support your well-being. Draw in positivity, protection, and strength to help you recharge. 4. Use stones and crystals. Consider wearing protective and healing stones on your body. You can have them in a pocket, in a bag, or on a necklace. Lepidolite rose quartz, shungite, black tourmaline, blue lace

agate, and amethyst are all good stones to consider for helping you stay calm and centered. 5.

Herbal blends or drinks can be beneficial. Consider adding

some of the following herbs to your diet, or mix them together to create an herbal tea that you can drink: a. Rescue herbs: yarrow (to shield you from overstimulation), red chestnut (supports healthy boundaries and protects from outside influence) b. Adaptogen: Rhodiola, Ashwagandha, sacred basil, eleuthero, reishi (to help you handle stressful situations) c.

Nervines: St. John’s wort, lemon balm, lavender, chamomile,

rose, skullcap, milky oat (to help you restore your nervous system and heal your body) This is made up of 5 different flower essences and is also known as a ‘Flower Remedy’. Rescue remedy functions on the emotional level by helping restore emotional imbalances which can help us cope with various types of sensitive and stressful situations. It is great for helping with focus while reducing anxiety and depression. It is emotionally soothing.

Adrenal Gland Fatigue The adrenal glands are situated just above the kidneys. The outer part of these glands, the adrenal cortex, is responsible for producing important hormones such as cortisol and others, these vital hormones work to help the body respond to stress while regulating our metabolism. Cortisol is most popularly known as the stress hormone which is secreted in abundance in response to any fearful situations, also known as the fight of flight response. When an empath feels worn out and exhausted, they can often suffer from adrenal fatigue. This occurs when the adrenal glands natural hormones (which help keep us upbeat and energized), become depleted through stress, anxiety, exhaustion and insomnia. All of these symptoms are very common in empaths, therefore so is adrenal fatigue. By learning to manage adrenal fatigue we can begin to reverse these symptoms and gradually get a better handle on external stressors. Here are a few things you can do to help – -

Stay away from refined sugars and stimulants - These kick an already

sensitive system into overdrive and causes the adrenals to work harder which leads to burnout. Try some fruit instead. -

Exercise - Regular exercise will help to cleanse and clear out your

body and adrenals while also helping release any negative emotions you might have picked up. -

Sunlight and fresh air - Try to get out of a stuffy house or office and

take in the fresh air and vitamin D from the sun. Both will help heal the adrenals.

Recharging Strategies Now we will look at some general strategies which will help keep your energy clear and vibrant most of the time. By taking the time to work these practices into your daily life, you’ll see a noticeable improvement in your overall health and well-being. We have a natural ability to positively impact the world but our energy needs to vibrant and clear in order to be truly effective.

Sleep – Probably the number one regenerative thing an empath can do is to get a good night’s sleep, as often as possible. Due to their natural sensitivity, sleep is something we can often struggle with. I personally have certain requirements when it comes to sleeping well. First and foremost, the room must be pitch black with no visible light, secondly, I require it to be deadly silent so you cannot hear a pin drop and finally I need my own bed. Hotels or friends’ houses are usually a struggle for me to sleep in. Pay attention to your own sleeping habits and what prerequisites you require. Empaths need regular deep sleep to help regenerate back to full health. Through this they’re able to recharge their sensitive system. If you struggle with sleep, try meditating just before going to bed. Stay away from any medication and sleeping pills as they create long-term sleeping issues due to reliance.

Sea Salt Bath When feeling overwhelmed or stressed, take the time to have a bath. Grab a few handfuls of sea salt and add it to your bath. The added salt will work to cleanse and revitalize your energy field by washing away any negative energy. Before getting in send an intention to the bath water, to cleanse you completely. Soak in the bath for at least half an hour.

Smoothies Eating and following a healthy lifestyle is very important for sensitives as we react badly to the additives and artificial ingredients added to a lot of food these days. A great healthy and tasty way to get more goodness into your diet is through daily smoothies. Simply go and buy some green vegetables and fruits, throw them all together into a juicer or blender to make a nutritious delicious smoothie. The color of your smoothie can resonate with the body’s chakras. The color green, for example, resonates with the heart chakra, which is our central chakra. Empowering this chakra will create clarity into your aura and energy field. You can effectively make smoothies of any color, to help empower your body’s natural intelligence.

Chapter 79: Empath Self Care Making a point to take care of yourself is the absolute most important aspect of existing as an empath in a world that sometimes wants to take advantage of this. If you have been in an abusive relationship, had an abusive parent, or even observed some form of abuse in your life, you know this firsthand. You are not going to be able to live a fulfilling life where your powers are harnessed if you do not make self-care a priority. This is very hard for people who have been abused and have recently escaped that relationship or have a responsibility such as an elderly parent or children that they have to take care of. After a lifetime of thinking of others and trying to satisfy their needs, it is going to be difficult to make thinking of yourself an automatic reaction as opposed to one that you repress, as you have done in the past. But you must do it; if you are a mother, a father, have a high-priority job, a demanding family life, or simply do not think you can insert some of these habits for yourself, it does not matter. Your nature demands it. The following are more specific details and suggestions of habits that will help you along your path of taking back your power of empathy. Being Assertive If you are a very sensitive person, you probably have grown up with the belief that you must always be nice to others. And thus, more than likely have adopted the false notion that if you are assertive and say no to someone, then you are not kind. That could not be any further from the truth. Assertiveness is a skill that many people cultivate in life due to necessities at work, or because of their own natures that require it. Once you begin to

become more consistently assertive in your life, those around you are more than likely going to act out initially, even become more aggressive toward you, because they are not used to this side of you that is prioritizing your own needs. Prepare for this, and when you doubt yourself, know that those who truly care for you will understand and respect the clear line you are drawing. If you are unsure about the difference between being assertive and being angry/aggressive, read over the following points: • Assertiveness is based on balance: It requires being straightforward about your wants and needs, while still considering these wants and needs of others. You are still applying empathy while firmly getting how you feel across to another person. • Aggressive behavior is based on winning: You focus solely on what is in your best interest without thinking about the needs and desires of others. The power you are applying while being aggressive is strictly selfish. You will come across as being a bully or pushy. Mind Tools identifies seven suggested steps that you can follow if you want to develop your assertiveness skills. Applying these will help you to feel more balanced: 1. Value Yourself and Your Rights: Before you try to become more assertive, you should gain a better understanding of yourself. You should also try to develop a strong belief in your natural value of self, as well as your value within a team. Confidence is important when trying to be more assertive but try not to allow it to turn into a sense of self-importance. Your needs, desires, and rights are just as important as everyone else’s. 2. Voice Your Needs and Wants Confidently: If you want to perform at your best level and feel happy in life, you need to make sure your needs and

wants are met. Try to identify the things that you want and need now. Set goals so you can look forward to achieving them. Once you have done this, it will be easier to express to those what it is exactly you need or want. Remember to ask politely, stick to your point, and not to ask others to sacrifice their own needs for yours. 3. Acknowledge That You Can’t Control Other People’s Behaviors: This is an important fact for those with anger issues to realize. Oftentimes, we become angry with people when they do things that do not line up with what we want. But we cannot control what other people do, and it is important to keep reminding yourself of that fact. You can only focus on your own behavior. As long as you are respecting the needs of others, then you have the right to say what you want. 4.

Learn to Express Yourself in a Positive Way: Falling into negative

behaviors and expressions of anger is very easy. Try to focus on expressing what you need positively, even if you are feeling angry. This will help you not fall into the bad habit of name-calling, accusing, etc. 5.

Be Open to Criticism and Compliments: Try to develop the skill of

accepting both positive and negative feedback. Sometimes, when you receive negative feedback, it is easy to start feeling defensive and even hurt. If you do not agree with the feedback you are receiving, then you need to prepare yourself to say so. Again, this is meant to be expressed assertively, without anger or aggressiveness. 6.

Learn to Say No: People who suffer from issues when being assertive

often have difficulty saying no. Saying no is important when considering your own wants and needs, as well as contracting boundaries that are healthy and necessary. You are not able to please everyone, nor are you and endless source of energy. Saying no to people in your relationships, job

settings, and friends show that you know what you want and need, and respect yourself enough to follow through on them. 7.

Using Assertive Communication Techniques: There are a number of

ways that you can apply certain assertive skills through the practice of some of these techniques: • Use “I” Statements: Using the word “I” conveys the basic assertion that you want to get your point across firmly. It also avoids blaming and the escalation of pointless arguments. •

Empathy: It is hard when you are angry to try to see the issues from

another person’s point of view. But if you practice empathy on a consistent basis, the level in which your anger reaches will begin to lower each time you feel you are going to overreact. If you see a situation from another person’s point of view, it is easier to understand the reasoning behind their behavior. You still don’t have to agree with the person, but it will help your anger and guilt feel more constructive rather than destructive. • Escalation: Trying to be assertive with another person isn’t always going to work the first time you apply it. Maybe that person also has issues with anger and expressing themselves. Some problems also require more time and patience in order to be resolved, such as problems in the workplace. If you feel you need to escalate your assertiveness, continue along the path of being polite and respectful, but firm. •

Ask for More Time: If you can feel your anger rising and identify that

you are having trouble controlling it, feel enough confidence to ask for some time so your anger can dissipate, and you can choose a reaction that is more rational. • Change Your Verbs: Try integrated verbs into your vocabulary that clearly and firmly state what it is your asking for, or what it is that you

need. When you do this, there will be more room for misinterpretation. Begin using words like “will” instead of “could/should,” and “want” instead of “need,” “choose to” instead of “have to.” •

Don’t Be Afraid to Sound Like a Broken Record: Keep reiterating

yourself if a person is not taking what you are saying seriously. Continue you using the strong and firm message until the person will realize that you are drawing a line and are meaning what you’re saying. This is best to practice at work if you are overwhelmed with tasks, and someone tries to throw more onto, using guilt as a weapon. No matter what they say, stick with your assertive statement that lets them know you cannot take on any more work. Your needs are important. •

Try Scripting: Scripting is a technique that allows you to practice

making assertive statements before you may need to state them. It will help you prepare what you are going to say, and give you enough confidence to stick to it: 1.

The Event: Tell the other person exactly how you see the issue.

2.

Your Needs: Tell the person exactly what it is that you need from

them so that they do not have to guess. 3. The Consequences: Describe the positive effect that your request will have for the other person if you need are actually met. Applying assertiveness instead of allowing people to get into your energy bubble will, in the long run, help you in your relationships, your work life, and will help you live a more enjoyable and fulfilling life.

Chapter 80: Healing Yourself

No one else can make you look in the mirror and dedicate yourself toward healing—you must do that yourself. When it comes to departing from an abusive relationship, there truly is no one worthier of doing that than an empath. You may have recognized some of the behavior of your narcissistic partner, parent, or friend but have since been able to break free from the toxic relationship completely. If this has been your experience in the past, read over these 7 ways that a narcissist can keep you trapped in a relationship. Write down the ones that you most identify with—awareness and mindfulness is the first step toward transformation. 1.

Love Bombing: This is a term used to describe the overt expression of

love through compliments, gifts, and affection expressed by the narcissist that makes it seem like they are truly in love. The intentions, though, of course, are not untainted—they are using this behavior as reinforcement so that you as the empath will continue giving them just what they want. They punish their victim through a series of abusive behaviors, which then makes the empath feel like the nice version of them is their true self, while the abusive one is the one that they have brought out. This may make you bend

over backward to satisfy your partner and not get punished, with the goal of encouraging this supposedly loving person you believe that they are. 2.

Overuse of Gratitude: Some people stay in relationships with a

narcissist because they have convinced themselves of the notion that no one is perfect. This is, of course, true, but not an accurate statement to apply with a person who is abusing you. An empath will find any ‘good’ aspect of the narcissist and choose to overly focus on that. This helps the narcissist as they expect any positively perceived behavior to be applauded, while any mistake they make to be ignored. They, of course, overreact to any perceived wrongdoing of the empath, which makes the empath feel less and less capable as a person. 3.

Trauma Bonding: Victims of abusers have been known to form a

biological attachment to their abuser through their interactions, which reacts in a very similar way as being addicted to a substance. You may feel hooked to the confusion, as well as the emotional ups and downs of being with this person, as you feel you require their approval in order to thrive and survive. We are here to tell you that you do not, but this is one of the hardest blocks in helping a person leave the individual who is abusing them. 4. Altruism: Many people stay in abusive relationships because they believe that their partner is putting effort into the relationship—therefore, they feel they must too. The abused are often plagued with the false notion that they are ‘giving up.’ However, in reality, they have been the only ones who are truly trying to make this a balanced and satisfying relationship with the narcissist. The abused will look inside themselves for the problem since the narcissist overinflates their positive attributes and downplays the negative.

5. Downplaying the Abuse: Gaslighting is a tactic that many abusers use that contorts the victim’s reality. They do this by telling them that what they believe about their partner is wrong, that what they are relaying never happened, and many other invalidations of their emotions and reality. Many people will excuse abuse if their partner does not hit them, but emotion scars are just as damaging. Manipulative tactics are harder to detect, especially for a person who is highly sensitive and has the habit of turning inward to blame themselves. 6. Repetition Compulsion: Within romantic relationships, some people have the tendency to repeat the behaviors of previous relationships in order to make up for past mistakes in previous relationships. This often has the opposite effect than what the person is intending—instead of finding someone who is going to treat you properly, you find someone who is like your abusive caregiver, so afraid of losing the attachment, so you go along with their deception and manipulation. This is usually a subconscious act that people who have been severely damaged mentally go through without noticing it. These are the kind of people that narcissist seeks out because they are going to provide for them no matter what, always to fulfill this subconscious need. 7.

Financial Control: Financial abuse occurs in relationships where the

abuser constantly seeks to control where and when you spend your money. The abuser could be the primary breadwinner, or, simply someone who leeches off finances. It is also a way to falsely remind the abused ‘how good they have it’ when the abused start voicing their needs and wants. The abused will feel guilty and make it harder for them to voice what they are feeling the next time.

Chapter 81: Protection Strategies When something does trigger your over-stimulation, you need to have a strategy to protect yourself. The problem with this suggestion is that one protection plan for one empath does not necessarily work for another. Each person is unique and different. Your needs are different than other peoples. Despite this, the steps outlined below are designed to help you come up with your own strategy that you can tweak and define as time goes on. The idea is for you to try the steps and listen to your body. Find out how often or how long you need to do something and record it. When you find a balance that grounds you and allows yourself to be connected you have developed your protection strategy. But remember, as you develop and grow, your strategy needs to do the same. Give yourself the flexibility and freedom to change when it is time.

Step 1 Begin with identifying the over-stimulation. Notice if you are beginning to feel this way or already are. If it is just beginning, can you remove yourself from the situation and find a quiet retreat? If you can remove yourself, this is best, but sometimes you need to stay. If you are “stuck,” say to yourself as often as you need, “This is just temporary. This will pass. I am safe and protected. Everything will slow down soon.”

Step 2 Find a place to be alone. Enter a room and shut the door. Turn off the lights and stifle as much sound as possible. Lie on a bed or the floor and try to sleep. If you cannot fall asleep, just close your eyes and rest, breathing deeply. If your mind is whirling, practice your mindful meditation tool. You can also use your protection visualization tool, putting up your shield around your aura. Stay solitary for a day or more, depending on the person or situation you are dealing with and your needs. Determine what is best for you and honors your needs. Make adjustments to your length of time and practice as you need. Keep in mind, extreme isolation is not good for you. It can end up harming you if you let it go too far. Identify the balance that you need to find to get balanced and not isolated.

Step 3 After you find your silence and quiet, try to get out into nature by yourself for a while. Take off your shoes and socks and walk barefoot on the natural ground, if possible. This is an excellent step for grounding yourself and connecting with nature and your higher power. Make sure the walk is pleasant and short. Do not push yourself and stress yourself out. The purpose of the walk is to allow yourself to process the information, not to distract yourself or stimulate your mind. If you get too physical, you risk preventing yourself from being able to process. What you most likely need at this moment is a short and easy hike or stroll. If you are close by, consider taking your walk by a body of water. Or, instead, walk into the mountains or hills. If you can, and it is safe, consider putting your feet into the water or get in completely. The full immersion is best in this situation, if possible, but just a dip can help cleanse your energy.

Step 4 After your time out and walk in nature, it is ok now to make contact with others one at a time. Do not dive into a crowded situation if you can avoid it. Keep your interactions with others short and only choose to engage with people that will help you neutralize your energy. Stay away from people that are toxic. Choose to engage only with those that are supportive. Add in more people slowly and when you are ready to take on more. Trust your intuition to guide you to who, how, and when you should engage with others.

Step 5 Consider making your bedtime a daily, small retreat time. When it is time to go to sleep, pay attention to the shift in the energy in your house, and even in your city. You will notice things become quiet and calm. This is the perfect time to create a nighttime ritual for your protection and health. Use the stillness to help you re-center and recharge. This can include a nightly visualization, meditation, emotional release, etc.

Step 6 During the times when you cannot avoid overstimulation and stillness is not an option, use your mental tools to bring up your shield. Things like toxic people, emergency rooms, traffic jams, and busy airports are all challenging situations. And they are often situations that you cannot get away from quickly. To help you overcome the stimulation and protect yourself from becoming overwhelmed, recite the shield visualization mantra, “My energy is protected with a strong shield. It keeps out harmful influences with its impenetrable forces and unbreakable strength. It does not allow anything negative into my energy. It only allows positivity and high vibrations into my energy. When I need to, I can lower my shield.”

Step 7 There are other daily rituals you can do to help protect yourself. These include minimizing your daily stress levels and eating healthy. One of the biggest things you can do for yourself is to reduce the amount of constant stress in your life. As stress builds up, you begin to lower your shield to divert your energy top dealing with the stress. This, in turn, opens you up to overstimulation. Keep practicing activities that can help you reduce stress, like meditation and exercising. The physical exertion at this point is helpful at releasing pent up stress and energy. Just ensure that you are choosing to engage in this activity for the best of your body. The other part of this suggestion is to eat well. This positively supports your body. If you are filling it with foods it needs to constantly fight and struggle with, you are moving your energy to another place that could have been used for healing and protecting yourself. Healthy fuel helps you keep up your shield.

Step 8 Make a promise to yourself that you will find a strategy and combination of tools to help protect and heal yourself. It is a commitment to your protection and self-care on a physical, mental, and emotional level. This commitment needs to ring true and through in everyday life and in overstimulating situations. Keep a journal about what you plan to do and what you do implement. Reflect on what worked and was valuable, and what did not help you at that moment. Write down what you would like to change up for the next time. When you find a situation beyond your control, consider repeating the following mantra silently to yourself, as often as you need it, “I will honor my gifts and my needs. I will treat myself with love and be kind to myself as I learn more about being an empath. Every day I will take the time to appreciate who I am.”

Chapter 82: Grounding for Empaths

Grounding is a common and frequently used technique by many empaths. This technique helps you strengthen your connection to Mother Nature and absorb the positive energy from the earth. Simply standing barefoot in the grass and allowing your feet to dig into the earth is a great way to ward off negative energies. When you are feeling overwhelmed, or before an event you know will result in sensory overload, practice grounding visualization. If you can do this outside, it will be even more centering. Picture yourself as a tree. Beneath you, roots are growing from your feet, deep into the earth, holding you steady. Use your roots to absorb the positive energy of the earth into yourself, causing you to grow and flourish. You are sprouting new, healthy, green leaves. Perhaps, you are a flowering tree. The buds are slowly opening, soaking in the sunshine. When you feel adrift in life, use this technique to feel grounded.

Grounding Methods for Your Emotions The best, and possibly only, a method for grounding your emotions is to find a center. This is necessary in order for you to use your gifts to help others around you and yourself. You need to be able to protect yourself from the negativity and suffering of those around you. If you cannot do this you will be enveloped in the pain, resulting in you constantly reacting to these negative waves rather than mastering your gift and using it for good. When you can learn to “master” your gift you can feel lifted from the weight of being an emotional empath. This control allows you to switch “on” and “off,” letting you choose when to feel the emotions of others when you decide. You can learn to choose to “see,” or feel, what they are feeling and when you rather not engage in it. You can also develop the ability to let other’s emotions go so you can come back to your true center. This way you can realign with your true self and use the knowledge you gained by tapping into the other person to advise or guide them. But this mastery takes time and attention to develop. Since empaths are about energy – feeling, detecting, transmuting and vibrating vivacious frequencies – the ether is somewhat an asylum for delicate creatures. It tends to resemble washing in an ocean of light. It is serene, quiet, and unlimited. Etheric vitality is a language that empaths get it. It just bodes well. It feels like home. For you, being ethereal ought to consistently be the simple part. Being encapsulated and grounded as a person, in any case, while feeling and detecting the majority of the energies around you, took much all the more becoming accustomed to! Gliding Around and Crash Landing

Try not to be accustomed to being grounded by any means, frequently feeling floaty without a stay. You can be imbued with a mind-blowing feeling of softness, yet you could thump somebody over with a plume. This is the place the issue may begin from. It can bring about ceaseless 'crash arrivals' – back to earth! These unexpected, brutal shocks can even send you in turn. You may feel overpowered and thoroughly washed through with disorderly energies, an inclination that is so natural for empaths. Without being grounded, it tends to be hard to release the strengths that you had accepted. Without a firm ground to remain on, you cannot understand that feeling of steady quiet that usually happens when anybody is earthed. There may be a moment that it occurs to you that without imbuing your experience of being an empath with an Earth association, you could be merely drifting around like a tumble-weed in the breeze; which is all great. However, it cannot generally fill a need. Your otherworldly encounters can be astonishing, with the most dominant of acknowledging; yet you could be floating. You may understand that your endeavors to acquire the heavenly and genuinely fill your need can be pointless except if you give it a firm ground to arrive upon. In this way, you ought to before long become familiar with the imperative significance of being grounded. For What Reason Is Establishing So Significant for Empaths? One of the issues that empaths and exceptionally sensitives face is feeling exhausted and fatigued because we take on an excessive amount of vitality from outside of ourselves. Here is the reason establishing is significant. •

Grounding offers a moment approach to release undesirable energies

•

Grounding bolsters you enthusiastically

•

Grounding reestablishes and revives your vitality field

•

Grounding advances a moment feeling of quiet

•

Grounding improves mental, passionate and empathic clearness

•

Grounding gives your life's motivation someplace to arrive

The Mother Earth Association Even though you may feel the profundities of empathy for Mother Earth, being grounded does not work out efficiently for some Empaths. It is typically a procedure that must be educated. The brilliant incongruity for you could be, that regardless of your tendency towards the etheric domains, Mother Earth can be probably the best motivation. With the unlimited love of a genuine Mother, she can continually be close by, controlling you through this manifestation. You could not need to request a superior instructor. She addresses each individual, managing individuals with her antiquated shrewdness – all you have to do, is tune in. Physical bodies are made of similar stuff that Mother Earth is. In this sense, individuals are all likewise offspring of the Earth (regardless of were known to humanity individuals feel they may have recently originated from). When you go out into nature, your vivacious recurrence starts to sway a similar recurrence as the Earth. This breathes life into you. It inhales everybody. It reestablishes and revives your vitality field. The reappearance of Mother Earth is amazingly mending. It is superbly designed for an ideal person.

Chapter 83: How to Protect Personal Energy? Protecting our personal energy is critical. I am always aware of that— mainly emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual strength. And not only do I take care of it through food or exercising, but daily through thoughts, emotions, and interactions with people. The author of "Bodies of women, the wisdom of women" comments that at the moment when we connect our energy field with leaks, we will be able to start closing cycles." When he talks about leaks, he means that many times the energies of other people influence us. TAKE CARE OF YOUR ENERGY! This is my first recommendation to protect you. Don't let another person's negative attitude infect you and make you feel fatigued. Do not take other people's energies as personal, and this is also classified as a control action. However, the way I like best to protect my energy is to keep my space. Experts recommend that you periodically change the order of your home, so that negative and positive energy can flow. Most empaths are driven to give of themselves in order to help restore the happiness and wellbeing of those around them. Unfortunately, this can lead to an empath becoming emotionally, physically and spiritually drained as a result. Even worse, empaths don’t always have someone in their close inner circle that they can turn to for help in restoring their emotional energies. Subsequently, it falls on the empath to take the time and effort to protect and maintain their personal energy levels. Additionally, it will provide some methods that will help you to stay emotionally grounded at all times. By following these recommendations, you will not only be able to avoid

becoming run down and emotionally drained, you will be able to start thriving as an empath.

Bad Practices to Give Up As an empath the chances are you have developed a number of habits that serve to undermine your happiness and wellbeing. These habits aren't necessarily bad behaviors, rather they are good behaviors that have no boundaries. This is because empaths usually lack the ability to say "no," meaning that good, noble traits such as being giving and selfless can become all-consuming. Subsequently, it is important to recognize and eliminate these practices in order to maintain your emotional balance, health and overall wellbeing. Bad practices to give up include: •

Always trying to please others. Needless to say, trying to please others

isn't a bad thing unto itself, however, when left unchecked it can create a situation where an empath over-commit themselves. By always saying "yes" to others you allow yourself to be used continuously, never giving yourself the time and space to restore your energy levels. The result is that you become drained and spent, much like a cell phone that isn't charged regularly. One of the most difficult yet important lessons to learn for any empath is to put their needs first from time to time. After all, you can only help others when you are strong enough to do so. Therefore, by looking after yourself you are ensuring that you can be of service to others. •

Being an enabler. Another bad practice that needs to be eliminated

from your behavior is that of being an enabler. Unlike trying to please others, however, this behavior truly is bad in nature. The reason why it’s easy to enable others to behave badly is that, as an empath, you can relate to why they need to behave badly. Unfortunately, not only does this not help the other person, it also serves to harm you as well. After all, most of the bad behaviors you enable involve how the other person treats you, meaning that by enabling them you only allow more harm to come your way.

Therefore, it is essential that you recognize bad behavior when you see it, and rather than enabling it you take a stand and protect yourself from it. You can forgive and accept someone without actually encouraging their negative side. •

Carrying other people’s burdens. This is a behavior that affects almost

every empath at some point in time. Whenever you see someone else suffering, as an empath you feel the need to alleviate that suffering. In the event that you can’t find a solution to what is creating the suffering you take on the burdens of others in order to make their lives better. While this seems like a good idea at first it actually is quite the opposite. First, it results in you taking on more burdens than you can handle. In the end, each person should only ever have to carry their personal burdens and no more. The second reason this is a bad behavior is because it enables the other person to continue going in the wrong direction as they don’t have to carry the burden of their consequences. Ultimately, you have to let others experience the pains and burdens in their life to learn their lessons accordingly. • Always taking the blame. One of the strongest traits of an empath is the unwillingness to cause harm to others. Unfortunately, this trait can result in an empath always taking the blame for when things go wrong, even when they aren’t at fault. This can create several problems, both for the empath and for the other person involved. By always taking the blame, you allow the other person to avoid accountability for their actions, thus enabling them to behave badly over and over again. Doing so robs them of learning valuable life lessons. Additionally, by always taking the blame you carry the burden of responsibility for other people’s actions and wellbeing. The weight of such responsibility will eventually prove too heavy, leaving you crushed under its weight.

•

Feeling obligated to spend time with others. Another behavior that

appears positive but is harmful is feeling obligated to spend time with others. This can significantly rob you of valuable alone time in which you recharge your emotional batteries, thereby leaving you vulnerable to emotional fatigue and even depression. Furthermore, you may wind up spending time with people who are highly negative, resulting in your energies being drained and damaged by their negative energy. In order to protect yourself you need to avoid such obligatory behavior, making choices that benefit you instead. •

Being addicted to victimization. Sometimes when an empath allows

themselves to be victimized repeatedly, they begin to become defined by the process. After a while they identify with always being drained, depressed and taken advantage of. This can become so ingrained that when an empath begins to feel strong and happy, they feel guilty, almost as though they aren’t fulfilling their purpose. It is important to remember that your purpose is never to be victimized. Therefore, such things as happiness and wellbeing should be normal for you, not the exception to the rule. • Giving energy to those who take it for granted. This is one of the main ways in which an empath allows themselves to be victimized in the first place. By giving your time, effort and emotional energy to those who take it for granted you will only ever drain your resources with nothing to show for it at the other end. It’s a bit like trying to fill a bucket with a huge hole in it. No matter how much water you put in, the bucket will always demand more. Eventually you need to learn to let go of those who take you for granted so that you can give your energy to those who will appreciate it, and thus be more effective as a result. •

Being codependent. When you remain in a relationship where the

other person takes and never gives you will spend all your energy and never

get anything in return. Needless to say, this will leave you in a constant state of feeling drained and even depressed. It is critical for an empath to only maintain relationships that are mutually beneficial. Only then will the time you spend with others restore your energies. Any relationship that is one sided needs to be ended for your happiness and peace of mind.

Good Practices to Start Discovering and ending bad practices is only half the formula when it comes to creating a life in which you can thrive as an empath. The other half of the formula is to discover and practice those behaviors that benefit you. Again, as an empath you have an increased responsibility to protect and maintain your energies, therefore it is essential that you perform those practices that will enable you to do so. The following list includes some of the more effective practices that will help you to stay strong and happy under any circumstances. •

One of the most difficult challenges any empath faces are accepting

their empathic abilities. Not only can these abilities be confusing, they can also be distressing if you don’t know what they are. However, once you realize the nature of your abilities it is vital that you accept them so that you can align your mindset with them. Learn to hear your inner voice and to trust what it tells you. Only then can you rid yourself of the inner conflict that so many empaths face. •

Own your gift. Accepting your empathic ability is only the first step

toward creating a rich and fulfilling life. The second step is to own your gift. This is where you take the time to nurture your abilities so that they serve to improve your life. One thing many empaths fail to recognize is that their empathic abilities are for their benefit as well. You shouldn’t feel as though you are only meant to improve the lives of those around you. Instead, you should constantly use your abilities for your benefit as well. Learn to discern those you can trust from those you can’t, and protect yourself accordingly. Furthermore, use your intuition to know which paths will lead to failure and which paths will lead to the success you so richly deserve.

• Develop emotional detachment. Due to the sensitive nature of being an empath, it is vital that you learn to develop emotional detachment. This is the mindset where you can recognize the emotions of those around you without being affected by them. Buddhism and other similar traditions promote emotional detachment as a method of avoiding suffering. By engaging in such practices as meditation and mindfulness techniques you can develop the ability to detach yourself from even the most negative emotional environment, thus protecting you from the harm such negativity would cause. •

Meditate on a regular basis. Meditation is probably the most proven

technique with regards to developing emotional detachment. Therefore, you should take the time to find a form of meditation that best suits you. Not all forms are the same, therefore if you don’t take to one simply let it go and try another. The important thing is that you find one that works for you. Not only will the right meditation help you to become detached, it will also help you to balance your energies, thereby releasing any stress that has built up due to exposure to negative people or circumstances. •

Practice shouting, running and other forms of catharsis. Another way

to release stress and anxiety due to being exposed to negative energies is to expend it physically. •

Develop somatic mindfulness. Sometimes an empath can lose touch

with their personal emotions due to the constant flow of emotions from the outside world. This results in them not attending to their own needs. One way to overcome this is to develop somatic mindfulness. This is a technique where you focus on different parts of your body to determine your emotional state. A tense jaw, for example, is indicative of stress and anxiety. An elevated heart rate can point to anxiety or even anger. Shallow breathing, stiff shoulders and clenched fists can also point to anger, stress

and other negative emotions. By taking the time to assess your body you can determine your true emotional state, and thus take steps to correct any imbalances you are experiencing.

Chapter 84: How to Increase Positive Energy?

Once an empath starts to embrace their gift and understand that they do not have to carry other people’s energy around with them, a natural curiosity about energy sets in. Through your symptoms and experiences, you are aware of how powerful energy can affect you in a negative way. If this is the case, it is also possible that energy can have a positive effect on you. Once you have learned how to deal with the stress of carrying energy, it then frees you to learn how you can use energy positively. Learning how energy works is an exciting adventure, and it can take you to places in life that you did not think existed. As you have read, many empaths become healers; these are the people who have learned how to embrace their gift because they understand how their energy can have a positive effect on others. The first step in learning about energy is to understand how to ground yourself from different energy. This will help you to avoid becoming overwhelmed by the energy that you can feel. One of the most popular grounding techniques is through visualization. This is where you consciously imagine yourself being grounded; here are some steps to get you started: Sit comfortably in a chair and position both of your feet firmly on the ground with your palms facing upwards. Don’t force yourself into a certain position; simply allow your body to relax into the chair. Imagine that a piercing white light is radiating from the sun and through your crown chakra and leaving the bottom of your spine and then into the earth’s center. Imagine that as your body is being filled with the white light, negative

black energy is being released through your palms. When your entire body has been filled with the white light you will naturally relax knowing that you are now filled with positive and peaceful energy. You should practice visualization on a regular basis as a strategy to keep you grounded to the earth underneath you, to release the negative energy that has attached itself to you and to enhance your empath gift. Working confidently with energy will cause you to stop feeling as if you are out of control. It will enable you to protect yourself and heal yourself and the people who are placed in your path. Ultimately, it will give you the ability to control the energy that is directly affecting you. There are many things that you can excel in when you learn to effectively handle energy, which is one of the reasons it is so attractive to many. It is your divine right to learn how to navigate this powerful terrain of energy so that you can use it in a way that benefits you and others. Mediums are reliant upon the presence of a spiritual energy outside of themselves to gain accurate information about the person they are reading. In the work of mediumship, a connection is made with the dead to deliver messages to those who are alive. Information is received directly from the dead, angels and spirit guides. There are four main types of mediumship: CLAIRSENTIENCE You strongly sense the emotions and feelings of people, spirits, animals and places. You feel these emotions both in your heart and in your body; you also feel the presence of spirits. If you have clairsentient abilities: • You are very sensitive to your surroundings; you easily sense the vibe of a person or place.

• You have unexplainable physical or emotional reactions when you go to places where there are large crowds. • Your emotions change suddenly when you are around people or when you arrive at a person’s home. • You know what people are feeling without them telling you; you can empathize with people easily. •

You can feel the presence of spirits.

•

When people are in pain, you can feel it in your own body.

•

You use the words “I feel” when you are having conversations with

others. •

You can taste and smell things from the spirit world.

CLAIRCOGNIZANCE Information comes to you spontaneously; you don’t doubt it and believe in your soul that it is 100 percent accurate. This information will either come in the form of figures and facts, or you just know the truth of a situation, a girlfriend/boyfriend or a career path. If you have claircognizant abilities: •

You receive the answers to things and don’t understand how or where

it came from. •

You have very inspirational, creative and beneficial ideas.

•

Your mind is never still; you are always coming up with a new idea,

especially when you are working on a project. •

You automatically know when someone is telling the truth or not.

•

You tend to use the words “I know” when having conversations with

others. CLAIRVOYANCE

You see things as images in your mind or as a precognition in dreams before they manifest. If you have clairvoyant abilities: •

You constantly have very vivid dreams.

•

Are very imaginative and spend a lot of time daydreaming.

•

Always speak in metaphors.

• You can see shapes, colors, pictures or objects when you close your eyes to sleep or during meditation. •

You see flashes of light, sparkly lights, or movements through the

corners of your eyes. •

You often use the words “I see” when you are talking to others.

CLAIRAUDIENCE You hear messages either inside your mind or audibly. For the majority of people, these messages come in the form of telepathic communication, meaning that the spirits will have a conversation with you through your thoughts. You can have a conversation with the spirits, and they will reply. If you have clairaudient traits: •

You listen more than you talk.

• You speak to plants and animals because you believe that they can communicate with you. •

You often feel as if you are the recipient of telepathic information.

• When you provide really helpful advice, you forget what you said straight away and wonder where you got such wise information. •

You often hear buzzing or ringing in your ears. You experience the

same sensation in your ears just before they pop on an airplane. •

You use the words “I hear” when speaking to people.

Focus on results. A path without purpose discourages anyone, so it is vital to define your goal. When the goal is closer every day, your energy will increase. Focus on the "I can. "Even if you are afraid to risk making changes in your life because you already have children and a thousand debts, remember that the key is to think in the direction where we are going and not drown thinking about where we are now. Identify that it is not adding value to your life and that they are stealing energy. Issues to pending conversations? Projects to do? Tolerance with situations you don't share? Free! Loose! Negotiate! Act! Solve!

Chapter 85: How to Immunize Your Aura from Negative Energies? Some people who have high sensitivity are able to see the aura, although it is not normally visible to the physical eye. You can investigate your perception of auras by practicing an exercise to see one's aura or that of others. To try to see someone's aura for the first time, look at the person (attentively) for about a minute, then close your eyes. See the outline of the person inside their eyelids, as if they had a clear light behind. That line is the aura. You can do that for yourself, glancing in the mirror or taking a gander at your own hand. You may consider them to be as shading or seem to vibrate or beat.

Negative Energy and The Aura When you are depressed, physical energy is also depressed. Negative emotions such as fear and anxiety, create blockages to our physical energy, as well as our emotional energy and the aura. When the aura cleanses itself of negative energy, it releases itself from what is stagnating one. Let's examine the three steps to protect the aura of negative energy: 1. Clean the Aura Your energy field can get messy with an emotional charge or blocked energy. Here are some options to clean the aura: Sunlight: Go out and expose yourself to sunlight (as it heals) for a moment to revitalize your energy. Meditation: Sitting calmly and peacefully can help discharge negative energies and emotions. 2. Cure the Aura Like your mental health, the vital energy of your aura can be damaged due to life-experienced trauma. To cure the aura, you may need the help of a professional to work through the negative feelings you may have, free them, and find peace. If you require the help of a professional, you can seek an accredited therapist to help you identify the energy blockage in your aura. By yourself, you can try these techniques to clean up physical damage and release negative energy. Forgiveness: Not only letting go of the pain of the past but also forgiving the person who caused it, can clear the negative energy of your aura.

Visualization: Imagine a white light filling your body and spreading through your skin. When filling the space around, the white light pushes out any dark or hazy part of your aura. You may find it useful to continue reading the following articles: Knowing Forgiveness and Treatment of Forgiveness and Release. 3. Protect the Aura Once clean and healed, the aura must be protected from future damage. Since we are talking about psychological pain, it is necessary to protect yourself from being hurt by the negative emotional energy of others. Being empathetic toward others means that they understand how they feel. Sometimes we feel their pain along with them. Being empathetic is kind management, but it should never be done at the expense of one's mental health. To protect yourself, try one of these techniques: Be attentive: Recognize when the emotions you are feeling are from another person. If your partner is angry, identify that emotion and realize that, but remember that the anger is theirs and not yours. Love yourself: Protect yourself from psychological attacks by loving and respecting yourself more than the attacker. You do not deserve to be abused. Care must be taken to be patient and not react violently in extreme cases. Non-Reaction implies an act of love for oneself and for others. After the storm comes, calm and solutions can be seen more clearly! Visualize a shield: Visualize that your bright white aura expands, covering your body in a protective zone that cannot be invaded by others. Imagine the aura as a white bubble that can be folded but never explodes.

Sometimes, people develop psychic powers when they are not grounded and stable enough to handle the doors they are opening. Instead of the information being a blessing, life becomes overwhelming and confusing; Too much information is not a good thing. Others deliberately develop clairvoyance for selfish or harmful motives, and psychic powers have a long history of being abused. Having psychic abilities does not always correspond with spiritual development. Many psychics with remarkable talents are not especially wise or advanced, and vice versa. Please use discretion when developing your skills and sharing these techniques with others. Psychic abilities unfold naturally with spiritual practice as the self-expands and the universe is discovered. The phenomenon can be magical or upsetting (sometimes both), and if it is causing you distress, learning how to live with it and controlling the ability is in your best interests. Researching the situation can be of great help, and sometimes, all you need is to know is that you are not crazy. Do not hesitate to contact a professional if you feel like you are in over your head. An important consideration is whether or not others allow their inner processes to be perceived. Being able to see or sense the energy in any given person, place, or object is an advanced skill. In general, other people must give you access to their energy to be able to perceive it, and the other party has the choice to block you, should they choose to do so. Under these circumstances, you usually will not be able to see what you are wanting to, and will not be able to do so without consent. The exception is having a very good reason for obtaining the knowledge you seek or, in darker circumstances, disregarding the other person’s requests and forcing your way into their energy.

Let’s begin with sensing the aura: • Begin by going to a place that makes you feel happy. Maybe it is a park, zoo, restaurant, or a family member’s home. •

Sit in your favorite spot and enjoy the feeling you get while you are

there. •

See what you notice and what you feel. Try to go beyond what your

five senses perceive and feel the energy around you. You may want to close your eyes. •

Try moving around the area, and see if you notice how the energy

changes — maybe one spot is more positive or intense than the other. •

Now walk away from your oasis and feel how the energy changes

with the environment. What do you perceive?

How to See Auras Seeing energy is a much more developed and refined sense. Many have caught a glimpse of it at some point, only to dismiss it as their mind playing tricks on them. They may have seen light, color, or a fuzzy field around a person’s outline. When you first begin to practice seeing auras it usually begins by seeing what looks like mist and waves. Honing in on colors and other details will take a lot of time and practice for most. Those with a natural proclivity most likely developed their skill in previous incarnations. There are probably more individuals that can see auras than we realize. People often keep such details about themselves secret, in the fear that they will be labeled as “weird” or “unstable”, and will be rejected or judged by their peers. Nonetheless, those who have this ability sometimes put it to good use. To practice seeing auras certain techniques can train the eyes to register subtle information. One such technique involves using the peripheral vision: •

Go into a room with a plant and dim the lights. Ideally, the plant will

be against a solid, light, neutral wall. •

Look at the plant with your peripheral vision instead of viewing it

directly. With repeated practice, a misty outline will appear around the plant. •

After this, you can move onto animals and humans.

Chapter 86: Understanding Your Empathic Nature

Does being empathic means you are a natural empath? Being empathic allows us to form meaningful connections with those around us, but for an empath, this can actually make it more challenging for them to want to be surrounded by people as you will learn. Many are the times' people have told you that you are way sensitive or even emotional. You must have felt drained being amongst these kinds of people. If you have ever experienced anxiety especially when in crowds, a feeling of either anger or happiness especially if your friend is feeling the same, or even felt that people around you were telling lies, then this topic will tell you more about that feeling! This answers these questions: the meaning of an empath, who an empath is, characteristics of empaths, and the general types of empaths. From all these explanations, you will be able to tell whether you are an empath or not.

Meaning of Empath An empath is a highly sensitive and emotional person with the ability to detect the feelings and thoughts of those around them. An empath goes through a bigger deal of empathy such that they can even take the pain or happiness of others at their costs. It entails placing yourself in another person's shoes and empathize with them.

Who Is an Empath? An empath is a person who is quickly labeled as sensitive, quickly hurt, emotionally exhausted by mobs, whose nerves get frayed by smells, sound or even too many talks, or even overeats to help deal with stress.

What is Empathy? Empathy refers to the capability of reading and understanding human beings and being in-tune with and even resonating with other people. Insight can be a voluntary or involuntary virtue, and it depends whether you are a natural empath or not.

Characteristics of an Empath Based on understanding the nature of empaths, you will find that many people struggle a lot, especially when defining the characteristics of empaths. You will also come to experience difficulties on whether you are an empath or not, especially after getting to know the characteristics or traits of empaths. If you are not confident whether you are an empath or not, the following characteristics will help you get a concrete answer to your worry. Though a more significant percentage of people in the world can empathize with others, only a few of them can be considered as true empaths. A person can understand fully or fail to understand at all thus considered as a narcissistic individual. The following traits help you know whether you are an empath or not: Highly sensitive: Empaths are naturally empathic and tend to be highly sensitive. An empath can pick up the slightest adjustments within their environment or even from those around them. Empath's sensitivity involves both the physical sensations as well as interpersonal issues. A highly sensitive empath can feel what other people are feeling. Highly instinctual: Empaths are more connected to both their feelings and emotions most of the time and can understand themselves better more than anyone else would do. They are aware of their gut intuitive and can take note of the same. They tend to have strong instincts than anyone else, and this helps them avoid any manipulators. Introverts: In many cases, empaths are very withdrawn, but this does not necessarily mean if you are highly withdrawn, you are an empath. Empaths limit their interactions to the levels of close friends or family members or any kind person they come along. When it comes to crowds, empaths are

easily overwhelmed and therefore prefer having their own time since interacting socially makes their inner abilities amplified. Selfless: Unlike the egotists who value themselves and tend to be selfish, empaths are different as they value other people's needs while forgetting about their wants or needs. Easily connecting with others: Empathic people are easy to communicate with, and at times, they do it quickly without even knowing it. Others might find it hard to keep with an empath's pace of connecting levels, and they tend to feel that the empaths bond fast, therefore making those around them feel unnatural. Too forgiving: Since they put themselves in other people's shoes, empaths are too lenient. They always feel what others are experiencing when confronted, and therefore, they forgive easily to avoid unnecessary disrespect, empaths forgive others and ignore their rudeness and unacceptable habits. Tend to put others before themselves: As said above, empaths are selfless such that they put other people before themselves. Naturally, empaths embrace that the needs of other people way more important than their desires. Easily detect lies: An empath can quickly tell when one is lying or deceiving and therefore, they easily avoid falling prey to manipulators and the persuaders. Amongst a crowd, an empath can detect untruthful individuals easily. Desire to make the world a better place: Empaths embrace humanity and most of their deeds are aimed at making the world a better place for everyone to live and be happy in. Most of their works are charitable rather than their own projects.

Inquisitive: Empaths are hard to convince with any pieces of evidence found on the surfaces. They will always try to dig deep and find any hidden reality. They will question any fact, not to get any answers but to come up with thought-provoking queries that make them start philosophizing. Absent-minded: It is funny that empaths are always inattentive. They forget quickly and always absent-minded due to the overwhelming they experience from the emotions and feelings around them. The emotions and feelings around them sway them away till they lose focus on essential things. They get fully immersed in feelings and emotions; a situation that makes them forget easily. Easily accept responsibilities: Many people get quickly confronted by the aspect that they tend to blame other individuals for their faults, but empaths are opposite of that. An empathic person will take full responsibility for their mistakes instead of trying to accuse others or their environment. Though this sets them free, it may also bring about acceptance of other people's mistakes hence suffering for a burden which is not theirs. Creative: Empathic people are very creative since they spend most of their time doing what they are imagining. In most cases, empaths like painting, making music, being designers, artists, take complicated courses such as engineering, accounting, and law, while others are writers. These courses and careers involve creativity and complex imaginations. Tend to daydream: It has been said in the above points that empaths are inattentive and get distracted easily. Absorb other people's feelings: Empaths tend to tune so much into other people's feelings and emotions and this makes them understand those around them emotionally. This connection makes the empaths absorb what

others are experiencing or going through emotionally through interacting with them emotionally. Cannot relax in a crowd: An empath will always seek private time where they get to recharge themselves since they can never relax or feel comfortable in the presence of a crowd.

Chapter 87: Identify Your Emotions If you are an emotional empath, it is kind of like being an emotional “sponge.” Often you know what is going on and that it is happening, but you may not understand why it is occurring to you and what you can do about it. To start, you need to first accept that the world you live in is alive. Everything around you respond to the influences on it. Sometimes the influences are direct and sometimes they are more vibrational. The energy pulsing in the world is a vibrational influence that can alter the response of any living thing. It is like when the wind blows through the branches of a tree and the leaves shake in the unseen influence. This means that everything around you have its own energy and a “bubble” around it of it influence on its environment. Every person and the living thing have the ability to influence and feel the energy of another because our “bubbles” are constantly connecting and bumping into others. You can observe this if you take a walk outside. You encounter plants, animals, and insects, all with their own “bubbles.” Have you ever walked past an animal and known that it was nervous, scared, or angry? You can see it in their body, but you can also hear it in their voice. It is like you can see the emotion radiating out of them. Have you ever walked past a person and felt that there was something disturbing them just by the way their body reacts to their environment? Their mannerisms are just a little “off?” While this sense is not just for emotional empaths, or empaths in general, it is a good way to recognize how you respond to the emotions of others by “reading” their cues. For you to use your emotions the right way, you need first to identify the emotions the right way. Let us look at the best way to identify the

emotions: Understand the Trigger The first step towards identifying the emotion is first to know what caused it. This will help you to describe the events that led to the emotional event. In this step, try to stick to facts alone. You can write down the event that led to the emotion so that you have it clear in your mind. Why Do You Think It Happened? The next step is to identify the possible causes that led to the emotional event. This is crucial because it determines the meaning that you give to the situation that happened. The type of emotional event that led to the issue will determine the way you react to the event in question. How the Situation Made You Feel? The next step is to determine how the emotional event made you feel both physically and emotionally. This will help you see whether the emotion resulted in a positive or negative reaction. You need to notice both the positive as well as the negative emotional and physical reactions that you felt when it happened. Notice any physical feelings that you experience, such as tightness in the body. What Was Your Reaction You need to ask yourself this question so that you understand your urges. However, for the process to be effective, you need to make sure you are completely honest. It might be painful to admit some of the urges that you felt when the event happened. When we face some situations, we at times get strange urges to react differently.

You need to compare your reaction at the moment that things happened and how you usually react normally. This will tell you whether you managed to control the urge, or you failed to do so. What Did You Do and Say? The next step would be to understand what you actually said or did due to the emotions. Even though you didn’t manage to respond the right way, you need to be honest with yourself about how you handled the situation. You also need to understand how the decision you made impacted on the situation. This can be a good learning experience for you. Once you evaluate your reaction, you can then use the situation to learn how to handle another situation that might arise. How Did the Reaction Affect You Later on? The final step in identifying the emotions is to understand the consequences of the actions that you took. If you said some words during the event, how did they affect you? On the other hand, if you acted in a certain way, how did it affect you later on? So, if you find yourself being overly attached to your emotions next time, you need to ask yourself what happened and take the time to observe how you react when it happens. Go through these steps so that you can recognize your emotions. Once you practice and get used to these steps, you will be able to identify your emotions the right way and then choose the best way to respond to situations.

5 Common Emotions Experienced by Humans Jealousy Jealousy is a combination of different emotional reactions against the success of another person. The responses include; anger, fear, and anxiety brought about not being the primary owner of the privilege. Research has it that both women and men tend to be jealous because of various reasons. For example, when a woman believes her rival is more beautiful than her, it is likely to spark some jealousy. However, it is normal for practically everyone to experience some level of resentment. When caring about someone or something important, you may become anxious with the thought of losing the person or that something to somebody else. What is Depression? Being depressed involves your body, moods, and thoughts you will be having from time to time. When one is affected by depression, the way they deal with life becomes different. The way you eat, how you feel, and interact with people becomes different. Depression is a disorder, and it is tough to deal with it all by yourself. If you notice you have depression or someone is affected by it, advise them to seek medical help. When you get the right support, everything will be fine. Being depressed means, you will experience feelings of sadness that will last for an extended period. You will eventually lose interest in things that shape your life. Remember that people who are depressed do not acknowledge who they are. When one is depressed, it does not mean you have a weakness, or you are experiencing inadequacy. It is an illness that requires professional medical help. What is Anger?

Renown investigators like Berkowitz, who spend most of their time dealing with psychology, defines anger as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. It is also considered as a normal, healthy feeling that allows one to convey a message of reaction to a given situation. As much as it is reasonable to feel angry, the same attitude can be harmful if you express it in a way that upset you or the people around you. Everyone has had a feeling of anger, and everybody has a way of dealing with the sentiment. The bible has covered the topic of anger comprehensively. The verses that talk about anger are numerous, but we will only mention a few. We should avoid responding to people with a negative attitude since it stimulates anger. Another famous verse about anger is proverbs 22:24 that strongly condemn us not to befriend hot-tempered people. What is Fear Fear is a natural feeling that everyone experiences frequently. It is something that you cannot avoid because it is a way of responding to severe sensations. It is easy to confuse fear with worry, anxiety, doubt, panic, and apprehension. The feeling of being afraid is the worst feeling that anybody would want to feel. It is uncomfortable, unpleasant, distressing, and at that point, you consistently try to come out of that situation. Everyone experiences fear in different ways; everyone is afraid of different things. This makes it challenging to come up with the right definition of fear. Stress and Worry Stress is a natural human response when faced with challenging situations. Same as fear, the fight or flight action is triggered by the mind when stress is experienced. Stress might be positive or negative. It is positive when one’s objectives are to be met; hence, more adrenaline is produced. For

negative stress, depression is always experienced, and one might go to the extent of killing himself or herself.

Chapter 88: Appreciate Your Emotions

Both negative and positive emotions are a natural occurrence. We cannot fully appreciate the positive emotions if we never experience the negative. The main issue we have with negative emotions is that we think of them as negative occurrences. When you have a better understanding of these negative emotions and can learn to accept and feel them as they are meant to be felt, you can reduce your likelihood of suffering because of them. Emotions carry their own energy. Positive emotions make us feel good and therefore provide us with a sense of expansion. Since positive emotions allow us to relax our body, the energy they carry complements this state of relaxation. Negative energy, on the other hand, makes us feel constricted. This can cause us to tense our bodies and puts us in a fight-or-flight mode which increases our levels of stress. After experiencing negative emotions, we often feel worn out and deflated. How emotional energy affects is based on our perception of these emotions. Many view fear, anger, and other negative emotions as a bad thing. Emotions can be complex, because it can be difficult to understand just why they arise. Though many individuals look at the situation they are experiencing in the present moment to determine why they react emotionally, there are several other factors that can impact your emotions.

Emotion can be the result of internal and external factors and the mind tends to use them as a defense mechanism to protect you from further uncomfortable feelings. The difference between emotions and mood Many thinks that emotions and mood are the same, or are at least commonly interchanged to express the same thing. Emotions and your mood do, however, have distinct differences. Emotions tend to be experienced over a short time. They can be intense, and there is always an identifiable trigger that causes these emotions to occur. Your mood, on the other hand, often describes a longer lasting state of mind or feeling. Moods may not be as intense, but it can be equally difficult to identify the cause. It can take days or longer to pinpoint the trigger for what is causing your mood, especially when it comes to more negative moods. Often, these are circumstances. Moods and emotions can, however, be experienced at the same time. Even when you are in a negative mood, you can experience bouts of joy and happiness. Typically, your mood and emotions will reflect one another. So, if you are in a sad or depressed mood, you may feel emotions that are more anxious, sad, and even angry. Understanding this difference between mood and emotion will help you better identify what you are feeling, as well as better understand what triggers can cause these emotions to arise. How the brain processes emotions Through a great deal of neurological testing and research, we’ve found that many areas of the brain can have an impact on emotions. When some of these areas are damaged or not function properly, it can be more difficult to control our emotions or interpret them correctly.

1. The cerebrum part of the brain is where emotional control takes places and identifies how we relate to specific emotions 2. The right hemisphere of the brain is where we process emotional expressions 3. The frontal lobe of the brain allows us to process the complexities of emotions 4.

In the temporal lobes, we process the audio and visual perceptions

from emotional responses 5.

The limbic system is where we access our survival emotions.

Additional sections of the brain may affect specific emotions such as fear and love, or also affect the emotional response in other areas of the brain. The hypothalamus affects the limbic system and can impact emotional response as it regulates hormones. The hippocampus is the section of the brain that is responsible for storing and retrieving memories. These memories can have an effect on how you respond to certain situations, and results in a repeat of emotional response when confronted with similar situations. The amygdala is the main area of the brain that is said to process emotions. When you confront an external stimulus, this area of the brain helps decide the most appropriate way to respond to that factor. The amygdala also allows you to process the emotional response of others. Many suggest that this section of the brain is directly linked to our flight-or-fight response, when we feel fear or that we are in danger. The limbic cortex is located in the prefrontal cortex, where we analyze abstract and cognitive perceptions in order to make sound judgments or decisions.

Additionally, certain areas of the brain directly control some of our basic emotions, such as fear, anger, happiness, and love. Fear Fear is often controlled by the amygdala. This is believed to be because the amygdala controls our fight-or-flight response. When we experience fear, a number of signals are sent off in the body. The amygdala signals the hypothalamus to release stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol. When these hormones are released, they cause your heart rate to increase, your breathing to become more labored, and your blood sugars to spike. This is done to prepare the body to either flee the situation or to defend itself against the threat. Anger Anger tends to begin in the amygdala, but is also affected by the prefrontal cortex. Since anger tends to arise out of the fight option of the flight-orfight response controlled by the amygdala. But anger can be caused by more than just encountering a dangerous situation. Anger can also be triggered when you fail to meet a goal or when something does not turn out the way you intended. The prefrontal cortex is where anger is regulated. This is where your brain can determine which type of situation is causing the anger and trigger the appropriate responses. Happiness When you are feeling overall satisfied in life, you tend to have more positive thoughts. Happiness begins to form in the limbic cortex, and the precuneus is involved in tracking the happy memories you create. The precuneus is also what helps you maintain a positive and happy self-image, and helps you focus on the more positive experiences in your surroundings. Love

Love is actually first developed in the same areas of the brain where stress comes from. While love can make you feel happy, the underlying emotions of nervousness and anxiety also play a vital role in where this emotion originates. The emotional experience of love triggers the hypothalamus to release dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Like how fear triggers the release of stress hormones, love triggers the release of feel-good hormones. In the brain, dopamine is responsible for triggering the reward system. Therefore, when you experience love, your brain is associating it as a highly beneficial reward, encouraging you to seek more of it. Additionally, oxytocin can have an impact on your behavior as it signals you to be more affectionate with others.

Chapter 89: Understand the Emotions

It is hard for an empath to know the difference between emotions. We know we feel them in the people around us, but we do not always know their meanings. You might have thought: “I just don’t understand how to define what I feel in other people.” Alternatively, “I can feel strong sensations, but I don’t understand what they are signifying.” Not being able to understand what another person’s sentiments mean is a lot more common than you might think in an empath’s world. Every empath quickly discovered their ability to sense emotional energy in other people, but some will struggle to differentiate between these emotions and those of your own. Not being able to understand what other people’s emotions represent is a lot more common than you might think. When you were younger in your teens and twenties, you might not have been able to differentiate what emotion you were sensing in other people. You might not have even realized you were feeling other people’s energy and emotions. You might have thought that it was your own insecurity that made you uneasy when you were around specific people. If somebody had any anger issues, negative energy, hidden pain, or in authenticity, it all might have seemed very uncomfortable. You might have felt the sensation of their emotions around your solar plexus area and the vibration was similar to what bad decisions feel like or a sense of dread. This energy would have a knockout effect on your mind and body that might have affected your thoughts and the way you operate. Before you heard the word empath, you might have been working on yourself, your spirit, body, and mind. Once you began to develop a spiritual

practice and trying to find balance, you might have been feeling other people’s emotions or energy very intensely. This might have felt consuming and very unpleasant. You had not realized that you were sensing energy from the people around you. When you develop a spiritual practice, it can purify the empath and will speed up their vibration. This just means that anything in a lower vibration will feel awful. The energy that vibrates lower will feel dense, sticky, and heavy. This energy will bring an empath down and quickly. Because of this many places where they go frequently like coffee shops, bars, malls, or even the grocery store was difficult to be in and drained your energy. Even if you were not in this place for a long time, you felt exhausted. The more balanced you are in being an empath, the less these energies will affect you. When you go into a public place, you immediately become aware of a rush of emotional energy. You might have thought these emotions are yours because they feel so familiar. When you have felt people’s emotions for your entire life, but did not realize it, it is common to shape them, so they fit in with your emotional responses and fears. If you take some time to look back at your childhood, you might see that you would convert what you felt from others into fear. Fear is an emotion that everyone knows as a child and this is how you unknowingly translate all the energy you pick up from others. When you finally discovered you are an empath, it might have been a light bulb moment. Everything that you had not understood how you were feeling completely made sense to you now. The journey into understanding the different energy begins. The more you can develop your life and intuition skills, the more you will understand what you feel in other people. You will recognize the energy of

grief, angst, insecurity, or untruth. Even though you are getting better at finding the differences between emotional energies, you are not going to enjoy the way they make you feel. Other people’s energy will leave you feeling deflated. Even though you know the energy does not belong to you, it will still cause very unpleasant sensations. If you notice the emotional energy of other people, you will be able to interpret it as an emotion you do not enjoy or one that is related to an unresolved problem. It is normal for energy to cause irritation or anger even if you are not experiencing this emotion. If you do not like people inside your “personal bubble,” you are not going to welcome their emotional energy. When another person’s energy suddenly shows up without being invited inside your energy field could feel claustrophobic and invasive. The energy that you experience does not have to stir up negativity or be negative just being invasive can set fires to unpleasant feelings. The main reason why anger is a normal response is that humans will have experienced this emotion at some point in their life. It is all consuming and normally suffered. If you sense dark energy in other people, your brain might interpret it as anger since this is a familiar reaction. You did not consciously choose this response but the part of your brain that is responsible for triggering that emotion chose it for you. Everyone reacts to anger in different ways. Some might have a flare-up that will quickly come and go while others might sit and stew for some time. It does not matter if other people have brought it on or not, how long this emotion lasts depends on your activity and nature.

It sometimes takes a while for empaths to learn how to keep themselves from being affected by other people’s negative energy. Just because you are an empath does not mean you will automatically understand that energy you are feeling or to be able to keep it from bothering you. The first step to being able to define these emotions is how well developed your self-development is. Striving for balance, quieting your mind using meditative practices, and developing your intuition can all help with this. Building your inner power can protect you from taking in the energy of the people around you. If you have tried these techniques but are still getting overwhelmed by the emotional energy of other people, or just by life, you have to think about your energy field and your chakras. They might be out of balance. Getting everything back into balance is not going to happen overnight. You have to work at it if you want to understand everything you are feeling. Because you are an empath, you are always going to feel other people’s energy and emotions on some level. It all depends on where you are at in your empath journey will help determine how your brain or you interpret this energy. You have to make sure that you do not punish yourself or even feel ashamed if someone’s energy sparks any type of negative reaction. You have to work on yourself to build your awareness and take steps to rebalance the way people’s energy can affect you. It does not matter how far you have journeyed in creating your self-development, you are only human. It also does not matter how evolved you have become; you are going to have days when other people’s energy can frazzle your circuits and could bring you down.

Chapter 90: Protecting Yourself from Narcissist People with a marked narcissism not only stand out for that feeling of omnipotence and that highly swollen and unrealistic self-image. In addition, another aspect that most attracts attention to their personality is the way in which they relate to others, and how easily and spontaneously they generate discomfort in those around them. And it is the belief strongly rooted in the narcissist that stands out above the rest of human beings is not something that is limited to remain isolated in his mind, without real consequences, but that predisposes him to act in a manner consistent with that vision of the world. That is why it is very common for narcissists to try to make others feel insecure, hesitant, and eclipsed by their real or imagined presence.

How to protect yourself psychologically from a narcissistic person? These simple strategies can serve to mitigate the discomfort generated by certain frequent comments in people with high narcissism. However, keep in mind that these should be done so that a balance is maintained between your well-being and that of the other person. You must keep in mind that partly being narcissistic is not an option; It is not, of course, for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, nor for those who, without reaching such clear extremes, have become accustomed to behaving in this way due to their past experiences and their socialization. 1. Cut the conversation This is the most radical option, but also the simplest. There are situations that become so violent that withdrawal is a logical reaction. If you have the option, do it, and in many cases, this will have the effect of a kind of passive punishment such as the “time out” technique, in which the person who has behaved badly stops having access to something that was stimulating or entertaining. 2. Learn to recognize your feelings In the face of offensive or contemptuous comments, it is useful to have good Emotional Intelligence. Experiencing a treatment characterized by the typical disdain of narcissistic people is not the same as going through that experience, considering that this situation is explained by the extreme personality trait of the person who pronounces those words. Thus, the possible harmful thoughts of self-esteem caused by the behavior of the other are relativized by the situation. What is happening does not talk about

what the person is, but about the highly skewed thinking of the other person. 3. Remember that every human being has dignity By default, every person has all the same rights, and all people are worthy. Whoever questions this principle is simply acting unilaterally, something that in fact, has no merit since, in any case, it shows an inability to socialize. Disdain and teasing do not make one worthless, and they are a simple excuse to maintain that behavior and do not rely on the truth about what one is: anyone can be mocked, but not everyone sees the need to articulate your social life through a feeling of superiority that must be fed artificially. 4. Don't reply in the same tone Replicating in a similar way as the narcissistic person does when trying to be hurtful will only make the situation worse and longer. It is much better to contradict his speech (which usually consists of portraying the other person as immature or incapable) through fortitude, calm, and generally ignoring the presence of that person. Once again, the key here is to eliminate the "reward" that would mean giving importance to the words of the narcissist and, by extension, to him/her as well. 5. Turn criticism around If you reflect out loud on the criticisms of the other person showing that you had already reflected on them long ago and found a way to "deactivate" them, you will show unwavering security in you, and that will deter the other person from continuing. It is not necessary to explain why you think

they are misguided (that would give them too much importance), just react in a way that shows that you are not shocked to hear those things. Signs That You Are Raising a Narcissistic Child Parents cannot neglect their children's self-esteem because healthy emotional development depends on it. However, so much importance has now been given to self-esteem that parents go beyond what is healthy and end up raising a narcissistic child. A recent study of childhood egolatry revealed that parents who believe their children are better than other children do not help them develop a good selfesteem. On the contrary, they harm them and increase their risk of becoming narcissistic. This study concluded that in order to increase children’s self-esteem, it is important that children feel loved, not feel better than others. According to the researchers, when children are viewed by their parents as special and better children than others, they can internalize the view that they are superior, one that is centered on narcissism. But when children are treated with love and care by their parents, they internalize the idea that they are valuable people, a view that is the basis of self-esteem. However, the overvaluation of parents is not the only factor determining narcissism. How to realize if you are raising a narcissistic child The following are clear signs that your educational practices are favoring the emergence of a narcissistic attitude in your child. •

Make your child believe he is infallible

Some children have difficulty believing in themselves; although they have sufficient skills to perform the tasks, they are paralyzed for fear of making

mistakes. Increasing their self-esteem requires parents to support, praise, cheer, and convey confidence. Then they will realize that they are capable, which is worth a try. It is one thing to praise, to acknowledge your successes, to let them trust your ability to solve problems, and quite another to make them believe that they will never go wrong. Children need to learn to live with error; this is the best "medicine" for a narcissistic child. Error is part of life and learning. Not so when we learn to walk? Falling and getting up is part of learning. The one who makes mistakes is the one who lets himself try, who has the opportunity to succeed. •

Compare your child with other children to show that he is superior

From 7 or 8 years of age, children begin to compare with each other. Sometimes this interest in comparisons begins rather than being encouraged by parents, who are eager to show how good their children are or the qualities they believe they possess. These comparisons create a lot of pressure on children who don't want to be left behind with their friends. Being good or better at something doesn't mean being superior, but kids don't see it that way. Child’s personality is in formation, and it is up to the adults to guide them correctly. •

Offer the child a model unable to hear criticism

Listening to criticism from others is very unpleasant for many adults, imagine for a narcissistic child. But we need to provide a model for children to accept constructive criticism. It is not a matter of bowing your head and

saying yes to everything, but of accepting criticism, thinking about it, talking about the problem and committing to change, if appropriate. Children learn by example. If they realize that their parents do not accept criticism that they are unable to change, that they act as if they are always right, they will do the same. In addition, some parents do not accept their criticism of their children, react irrationally, and place their children on a pedestal of perfection and superiority. •

Boast and excuse your shortcomings

It is one thing to be proud of a child, and quite another to overvalue and excuse defects to prove that he is the best. Some children react by rebelling against their parents and others by feeding their narcissism. Neither option is an easy and healthy way for them. From time to time, children "get their feet in their hands," but they don't have to be ashamed. Say sorry for your misbehavior and show that we are not always perfect. The important thing is to learn from mistakes. •

Speaking of different or “inferior” children

A different or less capable child is not an inferior child. But if your child hears you criticizing such child for any reason, be it for an intellectual or physical disability or because he/she is dressed differently, the child believes he/she is superior to the child. Often this negative way of talking about others is one way that one finds to be better than the other. You don't have to show the worst of others for your best to appear. If a parent insists on bad-mouthing other children to make their child feel more

important, all they can do is lose their true perspective about themselves, and they're worth it.

Chapter 91: Empathic Protection

The way to Empathic protection is to rapidly perceive the primary indications of encountering tactile over-burden or when you begin engrossing pessimism or worry from others. The sooner you can act to lessen incitement and focus yourself, the more adjusted and ensured you will be. At whatever point you begin to feel depleted or overpowered, practice the accompanying five security tips.

Shielding Visualization Protecting is a snappy method to secure yourself. Many empaths and touchy individuals depend on it to shut out lethal vitality while permitting the free progression of inspiration. Approach it consistently. The moment you are awkward with an individual, spot, or circumstance, set up your shield. Use it in a train station, at a gathering on the off chance that you are conversing with a vitality vampire, or in a pressed specialist's lounge area. Start by taking a couple of, deep, long breaths. At that point, imagine an excellent shield of white or pink light encompassing your body and expanding a couple of crawls past it. This shield shields you from anything negative, distressing, harmful, or nosy. Inside the security of this shield, feel focused, glad, and invigorated. This shield squares out cynicism, and yet, you can, in any case, feel what is absolute and cherishing.

Define and Express Your Relationship Needs Knowing your needs and having the option to affirm them is a reliable type of self-security for empaths. At that point, you can be in your full power in a relationship. If something does not feel right, raise the issue with your accomplice instead of enduring quietly. Discovering your voice is proportional to creating your capacity else you may end up depleted, restless, or feel like a doormat seeing someone where all your fundamental needs are neglected. Your accomplice is not a mind peruse. Talk up to shield your prosperity. Ask yourself, "What do I need in a relationship that I have been hesitant to request? Okay, incline toward all the more alone or calm time? Okay, prefer to rest without anyone else's input at times? Would you like to play more or talk more or engage in sexual relations more? Or on the other hand, might you want to move under the full moon together? Give your instinct a chance to stream without judgment. Reveal your actual emotions — no motivation to be embarrassed or to keep down.

Set Energetic Boundaries at Work and Home Empaths frequently endure in their condition when they ingest the worry in their environment. The work environment mainly can be loud and overinvigorating. To ensure your vitality level in a sincerely requesting or swarmed condition encompass the external edge of your space with plants or family or pet photographs to make a little mental obstruction. Sacrosanct articles, for example, a statue of Quan Yin (the goddess of empathy), the Buddha, hallowed dabs, precious stones, or defensive stones can define an enthusiastic limit.

Prevent Empathy Overload When you are retaining the pressure or side effects of others, and you have to discharge the negative vitality breathe in lavender essential oil or put a couple of drops halfway between your eyebrows (on your third eye) to quiet yourself. When you capable invest energy in nature. Offset your alone time with individuals time. For you, time the executives are vital to your mental stability. You should make an effort not to plan patients consecutively. In your own life, you do not design such a large number of things in a single day. You ought to have likewise figured out how to drop plans when you get over-burden. This is expertise all empaths must adapt, so you do not feel obliged to go out if you are worn out and need rest. Set clear cutoff points with vitality vampires and dangerous individuals. Keep in mind, "No" is a complete sentence. You do not need to continue accounting for yourself. You are brave about abstaining from depleting individuals, especially when you are over-burden at long last practice self-empathy. Be sweet to yourself at whatever point conceivable—refrain from pummeling yourself. In the wake of a monotonous day, let yourself know, "I did as well as could be expected. It is alright nectar."

The Jaguar Protection Meditation When you need additional security studies to prescribe this reflection to approach the intensity of the puma to ensure you, you should utilize it when there is an excessive amount of antagonism coming at you excessively quick. The panther is a savage and patient gatekeeper who can ward off dangerous vitality and individuals. In a quiet, thoughtful state, from your most profound heart, approach the soul of the puma to secure you. Feel her essence enter. At that point, envision this flawless, incredible animal watching your vitality field, encompassing it, ensuring you, keeping out interlopers or any negative powers that need to get past. Picture what the puma resembles: his or her lovely, wild, adoring eyes; smooth body; the agile, intentional way the panther moves. Have a sense of safety in the hover of this present puma's security. Give inward gratitude to the panther. Realize that you can approach her at whatever point there is a need. Feel the intensity of that. As a touchy person, you should learn the way to manage tangible over-burden when an excess is coming at you too rapidly. This can leave you depleted, on edge, discouraged, or debilitated. In the same way as other of us, you may feel there is no on or off switch for your compassion. This is not valid. When you think ensured and safe, you can assume responsibility for your sensitivities as opposed to feeling defrauded by them. To pick up a feeling of security, perceive some regular factors that add to sympathy over-burden. Start to recognize your triggers. At that point, you can rapidly act to cure a circumstance.

Chapter 92: How to Develop the Empath Gift? The most vital gift of an empath is what makes them an empath. Their ability to feel and understand what another person is experiencing can serve a number of positive purposes. This gift, however, is looked at both as a blessing and a terrible burden for an empath. Not only is it the emotions that an empath takes on, but they also absorb the energy attached to these emotions. They also absorb the energy from their environment. This ability to absorb energy is where many empaths fail to understand how to protect themselves or what to do with this energy they absorb. For many empaths, the energy they absorb tends to stay bundled up inside of them. When an untrained empath absorbs this energy, it can cause a block in the flow of their own natural energy. When this energy is positive, it does not cause much of a concern, but when this energy is negative, it can cause a number of disturbances for the empath as well as for those around them. When an empath absorbs negative emotional energy, their own energy will be drained. This becomes an increasing concern if the empath is unable to let go or let this negative energy flow from them. When negative energy empaths tend to be trapped by it. They ruminate over it, and this can lead to anxiety and depression rather quickly for the empath. But when an empath understands how to manipulate and read this energy properly, they can turn it from negative to positive and release this positive energy back into the world around them. This ability to feel others’ emotional energy gives the empath the gift of being able to transform negative energy into positive energy. When an empath is able to train themselves and develop their gift, not only can they transform negative

energy into positive energy, but they can also help heal others and project more positive emotions into their environment. An empath’s gift can vary in degrees. This is dependent on the empath. One’s ability to utilize their empath gift lies in their willingness to embrace it. Many empaths block out a lot of energy so as not to suffer through the pain of others or to go through to confusion of trying to sort out the mess. This diminishes their gift. On the other hand, those that look at their gift as an actual gift are able to understand how to utilize it in a proactive way. Instead of letting their gift diminish them, they use it to empower them and lift up those around them. They use their gift to heal others and to bring more light into the work.

Traits of the Empath Would you know it if you met an empath? Maybe you are still wondering if you are one yourself, or if you are one and already know that you are, you may find that many of these traits that are going to be listed resonate deeply with you. You see exactly how they are related to your ability to interact with the world around you, and that insight can sometimes be incredibly informative. With that insight, you can ensure that you are actively working with your gifts rather than allowing them to hinder you. The Empath is Incredibly Sensitive Perhaps one of the most easily-noted traits by others and one that is repeatedly thrown in the empath’s face is the sensitivity that they tend to possess. Yes, the empath is sensitive—but that is not a bad thing. The empath’s sensitivity means that he or she will naturally be a more compassionate person—when you are sensitive to others and their needs, you want to help them because it can be hurtful for you not to. The empath’s sensitivity lends itself well to the empath being a nurturer, even if they are commonly put off or respond sensitively to many situations. The Empath Has Very Sensitive Senses Along with that, emotional sensitivity comes with physical sensitivity as well. Do not be surprised if you see the empath avoiding certain smells or textures that are simply unbearable. Similarly, you may find that the empaths around you struggle to deal or cope with loud noises or other discomforts. This is often also clumped with being too picky or sensitive, but the empath cannot help it—their bodies are simply more sensitive. The Empath Is Incredibly Intuitive

Intuition can be incredibly compelling—it is that gut feeling that tells us to do something even when we cannot necessarily rationalize it. It is usually a sense of being run by your emotions rather than by any sort of thinking process. Empaths are particularly intuitive—they just seem to know things. They make snap judgments of people and places with shocking accuracy that should not be disregarded. The Empath Often Puts Others’ Needs Before Their Own One of the greatest assets of the empath is their compassion. Being able to empathize and relate to others frequently leads to a desire to put other people before them. However, this can frequently lead to burnout as the empath spends too much time dedicating their energy to others and not enough time focusing on themselves. The Empath Reflects the Emotions of Those Around Them Because of the emotional empathy that empaths everywhere possess, they are often seen as reflecting the emotions of those around them. They may get angry, but that could be because others around them are angry. They could see someone on the street, begging with a sign that says that they are hungry, and the empath suddenly feels horrible for that person. It is difficult, however, for the empath to separate out those empathetic feelings and those that are legitimately his or hers. Relationships Can Overwhelm the Empath All too often, empaths can feel overwhelmed in their relationships. The need to spend time together can be overwhelming sometimes for the empath, and they are oftentimes frightened off by the notion of having to give up who they are and what they want or need for someone else. They are willing to give and are incredibly generous, but the idea of giving themselves up, allowing an entire relationship to engulf them, can be

entirely terrifying. This frequently leads to them struggling with the idea of relationships, and some may even choose to forego them altogether. Empaths Are Targeted Regularly by Energy Vampires Despite that fear of relationships, however, empaths are frequently targeted by energy vampires. These are people that are particularly draining to be around, such as narcissists. They drain the energy of the empath, reflecting their own negativity inward for the empath tot then absorb in return. This can be draining all around. These energy vampires tend to have effects on empaths that lead them to conclude that they are worthless or unlovable, despite the fact that it is entirely untrue. The Empath is Most Often an Introvert Most of the time, you will find that empaths are introverted. The natural wear of constantly absorbing the emotions of everyone else can be exhausting, so that tendency of needing to break away for a while to recharge often gets the empath labeled as an introvert. This is typically an accurate assessment, but keep in mind that some empaths are genuine extroverts as well. You cannot decide that someone is not an empath due to their extroversion or assume that someone is one because they are introverted. The Empath Needs to Be Alone to Recharge As already briefly touched upon, empaths need to be alone sometimes to recharge. This is just how they function. They get overwhelmed and drained by the emotions of those around them, even if they already know how to handle emotions that are difficult or heavy. Even if they are prepared to deal with the emotions of others, it is still prudent that they get time apart sometimes to let those feelings out. The Empath Can Recharge Best in Nature, Away from Civilization

When it is time for the empath to release all of that pent-up energy and negativity, one of the best places to do so is through taking time to release it into nature. This involves actively spending time out and about away from human influence. You may choose to go hiking, through a forest, or even into a field away from others. The point is to get away from the hustle and bustle of human life and find respite in the energy of nature. In particular, many empaths tend to have an affinity for the water.

Chapter 93: Social Anxiety and Empath Anxiety robs us of vital life energy. This unwanted psychological thought pattern consumes a significant part of our minds energy which we could use more productively to enhance our lives. Without consciously taking control over themselves, empaths are open to everything. They have no protection. Research has proven that people who suffer from social anxiety are much more exposed to other people’s emotional states. This sensitivity causes physical sensations within the body which is referred to as anxiety. A 2011 study proved people who suffer from social phobias were hypersensitive to other people’s mind states and thoughts. The anxiety ridden participants were able to accurately perceive the feelings and thoughts of others in their close vicinity. This essentially proved that empathy is a gift as the volunteers were able to determine others emotional states just from being in their presence. However, the downside of this psychic gift was that others emotions and energies was so distressing for the participants, that their brains would create anxiety feelings in the body in order to protect itself from what the researchers referred to as 'emotional pollution'. If your anxiety leads to panic attacks this can cause empaths to take on other states in an attempt to keep the panic attacks at bay. These include OCD, not leaving the house and depression, to name but a few. Other sources of evidence have proven that empathy is impaired or even reduced in people who suffer from depression. This could mean that empaths may unconsciously retreat into depression in an attempt to block their natural empathic abilities. They may see this as the only real solution

to stop themselves from being overwhelmed by others and their environment. Depression is effectively a cognitive dissonance, where the suffer denies or represses their own feelings, whether negative or positive. Anxiety – The empaths ability to effortlessly pick up subtle energies and emotions of their environment leaves them overwhelmed by too much extrasensory input. This overload causes people to panic when it becomes too much. The whole system feels like it is being bombarded with information and energy. This creates feelings of inadequacy within us because when we look around and see everyone else functioning fine, it makes us feel like we’re the only ones who are so distressed. By seeing others functioning ‘normally’, we make the assumption that they either feel like we do and are still able to be effective or that they feel different from us, either way this enforces the belief that we must be either weird or strange. This type of thinking sends the message to ourselves that something is inherently wrong with us. Years of this type of programming, is incredibly harmful to an empaths self-esteem. Empaths will look to the future if they are often left distressed with anxiety which creates more dis-ease since they are being pulled out of the present moment. It is not uncommon to suffer from intense anxiety, with a belief that something bad is going to happen at any moment. Whether they are going out with friends, out shopping, out riding in a car, or wherever it is, they are often accompanied by high levels of fear. Feeling like this essentially takes any pleasure out of living. An evolved way to begin to look at this problem is first recognizing that these thoughts are not giving us what we need. We must find another healthier way to live. The anxious feelings are coming from our environment and from our unresolved emotional issues which are being expressed through dysfunctional thought patterns. The non-stop over

anxious feelings are one big manifestation of all our fears which need to be purged. All anxiety and negative feelings need to be processed. When there is so much ego energy and self-loathing in others, like with the general unconscious population, this is easily picked up and transferred to sensitives. I used to trick myself into believing that my anxious feelings were keeping me safe and without them I would end up in fearful circumstances. I would make logical arguments to myself to justify feeling worried all of the time. In the end, what I discovered was that I lacked belief in myself. If I had a healthy sense of self-esteem then no matter what life presented me with, I would be able to handle it because I was competent and capable. These positive beliefs can only come from a healthy sense of self-esteem and confidence. That is why self-love crushes any type of anxiety, if gives us the belief we can handle life. For empaths who are familiar with the law of attraction, it is important to understand that when we are full of fear and anxious, then vibrationally we are unable to attract the things we want into our lives. We only bring in what matches our vibration. It is of no surprising then if it sometimes feels like we are struggling to move forward. We must change ourselves first before our world can reflect this back to us. Living in fear, anxiety and worry will only bring more of this into our lives. The hard truth is that empaths will find it more challenging to change since they must deal with not only their own issues, but the compounded burden of over stimulation. Of course, this makes it more difficult, but at the same time, much more worthwhile. The high empaths can feel once they have conquered themselves is unparalleled.

Chapter 94: Empath and Relationship

Relationships are not just the connections and interactions we have with other people. A relationship with yourself must be maintained for overall happiness. Some empaths struggle to maintain certain relationships. Whether they cycle through romantic partners or do not have great relationships with their family, there might be some tension there. Alternatively, empaths can make some of the greatest partners of all. They have so much love and passion that it can make the other person feel complete. Not everybody responds to this love abundance in the same way, so it can be the very thing that pushes a couple apart. An empath makes a great partner because they always know what you're going through. They'll always be there with you every step of the way. An empath has a massive heart, and they will always give that to other people. In the same instance, the more an empath loves, the more they hurt. An empath won’t actively try to hurt other people because that in itself hurts them. An empath also wants to please other people, so this means when they do need to stand up for themselves, they might struggle to do so. The hate can end up turning towards themselves, where resentment can fester. Like we mentioned before, an empath can only keep their emotions bottled up for so long. Eventually that can cause a big fight or huge explosion if the empath isn't properly managing their emotions.

When navigating as an empath in a relationship, or as the non-empath with the other empath, there are a few things you should know about what you're getting yourself into, and how to manage these relationships in a healthy and productive way. The two most important things you will know about managing an empath relationship is that: 1.

It's going to be very intense.

2.

Know what their needs are.

An empath is able to fulfill their own emotional meter, but they'll get more fulfillment from the relationship when you can provide that back. As the empath in the relationship, you want to be able to recognize what your own needs are. Sometimes you won't have any idea what they are, and it can strain your relationship. You might feel upset or uncomfortable with your partner but not be quite sure why. You might react poorly to something they do to you, and it doesn't really make any sense why you would respond that way. When you can get in tune with yourself and recognize your own needs, it will improve your relationships and keep all parties involved in a happier, healthier place. Being an empath in a friendship can be a good and bad thing. You may twist it to empaths having a difficult time finding friends due to manipulative people taking advantage of them, and that is true at times. However, here are some reasons why empaths make the best friends: •

Empaths know what you are thinking before you say it.

• Empaths have the ability to feel others’ emotions as if they were theirs. •

They recognize toxic people, such as narcissists, right away.

•

Empaths avoid egotistical people and will want you to as well.

Empaths know what you are thinking before you say it. If you are telling an empath a story, they will be able to tell if it is true or not. Most of the time, they will tell by looking at you. However, if you have been friends for many years and are talking on the phone, they will be able to tell any embellishments that you may make.

Managing Your Relationships and Environment as an Empath Empaths desire relationships with other human beings just like everyone else. However, they differ from non-empaths on how they cultivate and nurture these relationships. More importantly, their level of sacrifice and commensurate benefit differs significantly from that of non-empaths. This makes it extremely important for empaths to manage their relationships in such a manner that matches sacrifices with benefits. In this Part, we are going look at the workplace relationship as one of the most important relationships where empaths are likely going to be more disadvantaged on the cost-benefit scale. More often than not, empaths find themselves more drained and draught in relationships and environments with strenuous social interactions. As we have seen before, while non-empaths are likely going to be charged up by vibrant social interactions, empaths are more likely to be discharged. Thus, it is important for empaths to learn how to survive in such socially strenuous environments… be it at work, social events, or intimate relationships. Empaths, like other human beings, are greatly shaped up during their childhood. It is at this malleable stage that certain enduring characters are molded. However, it can become a big challenge when it comes to raising a child empath. There are likely going to be a lot of misunderstandings. And with these misunderstandings, there are likely going to be a lot of reactions from parents that may hurt, hinder, or inhibit the growth potential of an empath child and thus constrain the child’s development. Many empaths

suffer childhood trauma due to having been poorly mishandled by caregivers (especially parents) who did not understand their unique needs and treated them in a harsher or more hostile way in the belief that they were being ‘abnormal’ or ‘too demanding of attention’. Thus, managing relationships and environments is extremely important to the health and wellbeing of an empath – right from childhood to adulthood.

Chapter 95: How to Recover and Heal from Narcissistic Abuse? Narcissistic exploitation or abuse denotes all kinds of damage from a narcissistic person. It is more of emotional abuse despite the level, child, adult, or even a parent. A narcissistic parent is the one who wants their child to give out all they have to the parents so that their feelings and wants to get satisfied. Generally, narcissistic abuse can be seen through your relationships with a narcissist.

Recovering from Any Narcissistic Abuse Finding yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of the link should be a worrying situation. The best you can do about this is quitting such a relationship and starting your own life, even if it means you stay lonely. If it is an intimate relationship, the best you can do is divorcing your partner since you will be reasoning with your emotions all through the link, and this is wasting your own life. A narcissistic partner will always abuse you, and you will be unsafe from such a link. You should never let yourself be convinced by a narcissist's apologies, and they will never be empathic or sorry for their actions. Even if they say sorry or ask for forgiveness, they will never change. They will still repeat the same mistakes. The following are the various ways that you can use to recover from narcissistic abuse. They may sound more of the means of freeing from narcissistic behavior, but they are more of the ways to your recovery. This is more of what you do if a narcissistic person follows you back, wanting a new relationship with you. The steps may contain some of the responses you should give to these narcissists. Start focusing on what you can control, and that is your behavior. Many are the times that people have told you that all that matters in the world is your happiness. So, focus on making yourself happy instead of focusing on someone else's happiness while your own identity is suffering. Since you already detached yourself from them, never mind about what they do or say about you. The narcissist may come back persuading you to get into a relationship but remember you are recovering from their previous abuse and so you should not be convinced by their persuasions. When they approach you, refer to them as ‘madam' or ‘Mr.' with this, they will fear continuous persistence and keep off.

Just like in avoiding a narcissistic person, you need to set boundaries after you have broken up from a narcissistic person to avoid their abuse. Setting boundaries have minimal or no contact with the narcissist. You can try and write a script that you will be using any time you are talking to such a person. Sticking to the script is the most important thing. This may work well when a narcissist wants to be accepted back, where you write responses like, ‘I really tried as much as I could to see us have a good relationship but nothing changed, and it is never healthy being in a relationship with you. I wish you the best of luck in your life.' This will realize that you are fed up with their bad behaviors and all you want is your own peace. Keeping these responses is important and you should not feel guilty of speaking up your mind. After the breakup, do not show any genuine emotions to your previous friend of the narcissist. Do not even apologize to them over anything. Narcissists are bad people who will twist your apology and use it against you to show how incompetent you were or how guilty you are and what you should allow them back. Ignore everything that they say to have you apologize or feel sorry for them. Do not give room for any abusive behaviors once you break up with a narcissist. Of course, they will abuse you through texts, emails, or calls. Make sure you save everything they say over the phone or in their texts. Once meeting them up, make sure you are safe. You may pick one of your best friends or family members to accompany you for your safety. Finally, make therapists your best friends. Being around a therapist most of the time helps forget about any narcissistic abuse faster and easier. Therapists know how to make use of ‘Cognitive Behavior Therapy' when dealing with those who have survived narcissistic abuse. Therapists will

show you how to value your happiness and how or why you should put your needs at the forefront.

How to Break Free from Narcissistic Abuse Unless you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, you may never know how disgusting it is living or being in a relationship with a narcissistic person. Narcissist's main aims are seeing the target person break into tears, become angry, feel hopeless, and less critical in this world, while the narcissists think on top of the world. Breaking free from narcissistic abuse means your first break up with a narcissist. You should note that though the two might seem or sound similar, there is a significant difference between the two. The following are the tested ways that you can use when breaking free from narcissistic abuse. Hiring an attorney: This is one of the easiest ways to overcome a narcissist since it helps take away their power. An experienced attorney is an ultimate deal because instead of the games played by the narcissists affecting their prey, the attorney will be the one to deal with them and they will not be affected by the mind games. The emotional aspects of a narcissistic abuse case are always targeted to the empathic person and hiring an attorney makes things more comfortable as the attorneys know how to deal with a narcissistic person. Assembling a supportive team: The best way to deal with a narcissist has a supportive team that acts as a backup plan. The supportive team might be your parents, your kids, or some of your friends. Your support team must have the same views as you do, that is going against a narcissistic person. Turning the tables: Narcissist's main aim is fulfilling their interests. Now since you are aware of this, all you need to do is turning tables. By this, it means that if you are requesting anything from the narcissist since you know that they can never give it to you, you have to turn the table such that

your request matches with their interests. By that, the narcissist will find it better giving in to your request. Practicing self-care: You are supposed to care more about yourself, and everyone else can come second. You should know that your identity matters more than that of the narcissist and so detaching yourself from a narcissistic person is the best step you can ever take in your life. Engage in exercises to cool yourself down from the abuse you have been through. You may take walks, practice yoga, or go to a shopping mall and appreciate yourself for making such a brave step or leaving a causal relationship.

Chapter 96: Empath and Energy Vampires

By this point, you should have a good understanding of what an empath is. Now let us look at some new words. If someone says you are a vampire, they are not talking about the blood-sucking type, although, these people do suck in their own way. First, there is an energy vampire. This is used to describe the type of person who can drain another emotionally either empathically, meaning they dry up their auric life force, or metaphorically, meaning someone who takes emotionally but does not give anything back. Psychic vampires are people who are born with either an active or a latent need, a physical need for life energy, which they are not able to give to themselves. These people will have a psychological dependency on this panic energy. Then there is the energy vampire. This is a person who feeds off the energy or life force of other living creatures, mainly other people. They have been called emotional vampires, psy-vamp, energy parasites, empathic vampire, energy predator, or pranic vampire. Emotional vampirism refers to the act of manipulating another person into a desired intense emotional position, like passion, anger, or love so that they can absorb the emotional energy. This vampirism included practices like learning what a person needs in a partner and accentuating those types of traits in order to trick others into thinking that they love them. Emotional energy comes from an intense emotional state, usually anger, love, or passion. Pranic energy is life energy, and it is the energy that we need to live.

Prana refers to the vitality of life force energy, which permeates throughout the body, and is more concentrated through the midline in the chakras. This is the life sustaining the energy that is centered in the human brain that governs the conscious intellect and inspiration. Now that we have talked about some definition, we can see how we can stay away from these situations and be able to pick out these energy vampires. I would like every empath out there to know that it is fine to get out of any relationship when you realize your partner is an energy vampire. You cannot change them, and it will be a constant parasitic relationship. You are going to give them everything you have in order to make them happy and they are just going to suck the life out of you. You are going to constantly feel fatigued, drained, and just crappy. They will get everything in the relationship. They are going to take and take and take, but they will never give anything back. These people are very tricky, so you have to be careful. They are going to make you think they are helping you or love you when in reality they do not. They are only using you. Never be afraid of cutting ties with them. If you cannot completely cut ties, figure out how to set up boundaries that they cannot cross. Now, back to what energy vampires do. These people are known to make threats, manipulate people, are notorious guilt-trippers, flip out at random times, are deceptive, pick fights, feed off negative attention, and cause unnecessary problems. Psychic vampires are not evil or ill-intentioned. If their minds, they are the victims. They think they are helpless, paranoid, powerless, strive for perfection that can never be achieved, engage in the extremes, selfmedicate, and are preoccupied with always having to be right.

These people do not realize that they can create their own reality. They lack mentality. They always focus on the things that they do not have. They do not think it is possible to attain the love they desire. They do not think that they can fulfill their own needs. This means that they believe the only way to get their needs fulfilled is by taking them from others. Highly sensitive people and empaths are more susceptible to these types of people because the emotional vampire is drawn to our warmth, bright energy, and compassion. The emotional vampire will feast on those qualities to satiate their needs until you are feeling sick and much drained. Empaths can be drawn to these people because they think they are in need. The important thing to remember is that energy vampires do not want to be healed. They are not looking for someone to save them. All they want is the attention you give them when all they have is an unnecessary and selfcreated problem that they crave. These people are survivalists. As long as they can find a food source, which you are, they do not have any need to be healed or take care of themselves. The more you try to fix them, the more problems they have that begin popping up. Here are some facts. About 20 percent of all people both female and male have characteristics of an emotional vampire, or they are full-blown vampires. That comes out to about one in five people. Every single one of them affects five people. That is almost 60 million people indirectly or directly affected by these people. That means that it is likely that you are in a relationship with or you know a person who is an emotional vampire. The energy vampire might be a person you think of as a friend, a colleague, or even a parent. Chances are, though, unless they have threatened you, you

probably do not realize that you are dealing with one since they are very charming, until they decide to come after you. Suddenly you are blindsided by insults, being shamed for all different things like how you talk, your income level, where you come from, body size, age, or they can even abuse even social statue, and you. Energy vampires often become distant and moody, which causes you to walk on eggshells. This only causes you to expend more energy while admiring and praising them to try to keep the peace. This can affect your self-esteem so much that you believe something is truly wrong with you.

Chapter 97: Empath and Spiritual Hypersensitivity Empathy is believed to be more than an emotional state. It is considered spiritual. There are different types of empaths. This is because different empaths have stronger abilities in a certain area. They feel empathy in varying intensity. Here are the types of empaths according to what they feel more empathic to: •

Emotional empaths

They connect with people emotionally. They are able to tell when one is stressed or depressed. They are able to feel the same intensity of what the other person is feeling without being told. They see through the defense mechanisms one puts up to look okay. They show empathy without much struggle since they feel what the other person is feeling. •

Physical empaths

They are able to tell when someone is hurting physically when in their presence. They may be able to feel the physical pain of the other person. Physical empaths are able to feel this by feeling the symptoms someone else has or by using their intuitive awareness. They are also able to sense what the other person needs in order to heal. •

Intellectual empaths

They don’t mean to mirror someone else when communicating; it just happens. They communicate at the same level as the person they are talking to. Their talking styles or language changes according to who they are talking to. They don’t plan the whole thing or even have preparation.

•

Intuitive empaths

They have a strong sense of what is about to happen. These things may come to pass. They are extremely perceptive of people’s actions. They can easily tell someone is telling lies without much investigation into it. •

Animal empathy

They connect with animals in ways normal people can’t. They are able to tell the needs of animals. Animals are drawn to them naturally. They share a connection with animals that is rare. •

Plant empaths

They can tell what plants need, their uses, and if it’s edible or not. They will know how to care for different plants. Plants blossom in their presence. They’re able to tell what an environment needs in order for it to attain ecological balance. •

Environmental empaths

They are able to sense what could have possibly happened before. They can hold things and be able to tell something about the owner. •

Spiritual empaths

People who are believed to be spiritual empaths are connected to the higher spiritual world; this includes feeling connected to the dead and people from the same belief system. It has the same similarities as those of an emotional empath. Empathy is something you are and not something you do. You are inclined to do something due to the empathic feelings in you. You have the ability to connect spiritually with other people or things. It’s a spiritual gift. Empaths are therefore expected to clean their energy as often as possible. As an empath, you have to clean your energy from the negative energies

that you pick outside to avoid overburdening or sometimes getting physical pain. One of the things you can’t change is being an empath. It’s who you are. The best you can do is learn to make the best out of it and learn to still take care of yourself. Here are some of the energy cleaning techniques; •

Etheric Cords

You have to learn to cut the cords when need be. People around you suck the energy out of you. they love you and can’t seem to get enough of your energy. It's healing, loving and feels good for them. They do with or without you being aware of it. This creates etheric codes with people around you. they allow you to tap into their energies as well as them tapping into your energy. You start getting energy information from these people. As time goes by, if you don’t cut the etheric codes, they grow stronger and stronger. The purpose of cutting them is to remove negative cords to create room to nurture and strengthen healthy cords. Every day before you go to bed, think of the negative etheric codes and distance yourself from them. Make a conscious decision to let them go. •

Negative thoughts

On a daily basis, you pick energies, both positive and negative. They happen to stain your aura. You, as an empath, may create negative thoughts that are not the best for you. these thoughts can be caused by traumatic experiences even from long ago. They can also originate from other people’s opinions. These thoughts may linger in your mind for long without taking notice of them. You have to aware of your thought process at all times. Carrying a diary and writing them down can be a good way to keep track of your thoughts. Here are some of the thoughts you have to take note of:

1.

Negative thoughts

2.

Redundant thoughts

3.

Repetitive thoughts

4.

Automatic thoughts

Negative thoughts affect you in different ways. Thoughts created through fear, blame, anger, and grief remain connected to your circle of energy. They make you vibrate on the same level of negative energy. You might end up attracting these specific experiences in your life anytime in the future. Such though can be passed to your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical. They act like magnets and attract people of such energies and situations and even experiences.

Chapter 98: Empath Healing Methods Empath healing can be done in two ways: prevention of further infliction and taking measures to heal yourself. The first way is to let time alone heal it. You need to, however, protect the core wound from getting worse by preventing the hindrances that may hurt your chances of getting spiritually healed. The second way on the other hand, is done by healing the wound by yourself, using the following healing methods:

Meditation Meditation is the key to peace of mind and peace of mind is one of the keys to your healing. Meditation helps you clear all the chaotic and toxic thoughts that are poisoning your mental energy. It aligns the thoughts in your mind that are in complete disarray, as these are the reason you cannot come up with proper decisions in life. Meditation comes in many types like the "mindfulness" meditation, originating from the Buddhist tradition, which is done by closing your eyes while sitting on crossed legs, with your back straight. The relaxation comes from breathing in and out and is meant to release depression. You can also try the visualization method of meditation that is a more modern technique. It is a guided meditation done by watching a sequence of scenes or images, along with a voice guiding you throughout the process. There are actually a lot of methods to perform meditation. You just need to choose which among them suits your needs.

Laughter You release all the negative vibrations inside you when you laugh. Laughter serves as your personal vibe converter because it can transform negative energies inside you into positive ones. Laughing is the simplest method of healing yourself and the best thing about it is that, it does not cost anything. Brighten up your life by laughing every day as it accelerates your healing process.

Discovering Your Outlets Discover your hidden talents or in case you have already discovered them, nourish them. You may choose to paint, draw, write, sing, dance, compose, cook, or anything that could distract you, whenever you feel like you are starting to get covered by an unwelcoming atmosphere of varied energies. Use your talents to serve as your outlets for unreleased emotions like joy, gloom, hatred, or love. What's better than having an instant outlet to vent your feelings is the fact that you can also improve your talents through it.

Nature An empath's spiritual energy is naturally linked to nature. This is the reason why some empaths possess the talent of geomancy in their subconscious. Provide yourself at least a weekly dose of nature interaction. Stay under a tree, swim in the fresh waters, or go into nature adventures. Your sensitivity allows you to absorb more of the positivity of nature so avail yourself of this healing method if you need a deeper contact to serenity.

Water Dehydration does not only happen when you literally lack water in your body. It also happens to your soul. Fortunately, water doesn't just relieve physical dehydration but also the body's spiritual thirst. Water is your ultimate ally. It has a lot more function and importance to you than you think. According to Dr. Masaru Emoto, a Japanese researcher, author and the photographer behind the volume "Messages from Water," emotional vibrations and emotional energies could change the water's physical structure. The conclusion was based on Doctor Emoto's water crystal experiment. Different water from different sources like river, lake, and water facilities, were frozen into crystals. The structures of crystals were observed to be different from each other. Frozen crystals from water that came from sources that are near industrialized areas didn't show beautiful crystals. On the other hand, crystals from fresh, virgin lakes and rivers developed beautiful crystal formations. The experiment was further developed when Doctor Emoto started experimenting the effects of different actions to water as they are being frozen. Doctor Emoto tried playing music to water, showing letters and pictures to water, and praying to water. It was then found out that beautiful crystals are formed after offering prayer, giving good words, and playing good music to water while opposite actions resulted into disfigured crystals. Based on Doctor Emoto's experiment, water can be considered as an element that absorbs energies that come from its environment. Let the water release the negative energy in you through cleansing and urination. And let clarity and positivity flow into your spirit through rehydration and refreshment.

Sea Salt Seawater has a potent wound-healing factor. Sea salt, which is basically the solidified version of sea water and its minerals—can actually be an empath's healer. Since it is easily transferred into the bloodstream, it immediately helps clear out unwanted energy and dissolves negativity from your body. Among the thousands of choices, the best one for an empath is the Himalayan sea salt. If the usual table salt has only four trace minerals and elements, the Himalayan sea salt contains 84 of them. You can pair your water intake with this salt to accelerate healing. Just dissolve a small amount on your tongue before drinking a glass of water. Oils Essential oils particularly target the skin, as well as the olfactory senses, to relax and balance emotional energy within your body. You can also inhale the vapors from essential oils. The limbic system is the part of the brain that is known to have a significant impact on one's emotions. Also, the oil's therapeutic benefits can be easily absorbed by the skin once the oil is applied on it. Oils are more into balancing the hormones and uplifting the spirit with its smooth texture and relaxing fragrance. Lavender oil is the most versatile oil for an empath; it has tonic effects, and relaxing aroma. Plus, it has antibacterial and antiseptic agents. Basil and jasmine oils are perfect mood enhancers. Geranium and chamomile oils, on the other hand, are best for relaxing your mind state. Don't hesitate using oils as there will always be at least one that can address your current needs.

Chapter 99: Protect Yourself as An Empath As an empath, you need to make sure you protect yourself. It is like the analogy of the airplane. Before a plane takes off, the flight attendant will usually tell you if the air masks drop down, put yours on first before helping other people. If you help others first while ignoring your own oxygen mask, by the time you are done, you will be dead, so you will not be able to put your own mask on. This is what empaths need to remember. They want to prioritize other people first, but they need to prioritize themselves. If not, they'll overlook their basic needs, and then they won't be able to even help others to the best of their ability. You want to take your powers and use them in the way they are intended, and that will be by being compassionate to yourself and caring about the things you're sharing. The first thing to do to better protect of yourself is consider who you're talking to in a medical or professional way. Can you seek out a therapist? Even if you don't feel like you're depressed or even struggle with anxiety, it's always good to talk to a professional. They can help validate some of your views and make sure that you aren't thinking in any negative patterns. They'll help you work through issues that you might not fully recognize, and they can point out things in your life that you are turning a blind eye to. After this, remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to do pretty much anything at all.

Of course, that might be part of your purpose. You might think since you are given these abilities, now you have to use them for good. That could be true, but we also have to know that we have no evidence that tells us either way. There is no rule for being an empath that says we have to use our abilities to care for others. We have no evidence that tells us that we have some moral obligation or duty in this life. That doesn't mean you should never care about anybody at all. But you shouldn't be putting as much pressure on yourself to do things for others, especially if you are struggling on your own as it is. Standing Up for Yourself and Setting Boundaries When taking care of yourself, it's important to know how to stand up to others and set proper boundaries. Standing up to others will include learning how to effectively say no. This is something that empaths really struggle with. They don't know how to turn other people down and they feel guilty when they have to say no. Remind yourself that you are completely valid in cutting people off. It is totally within your powers to set these boundaries and make sure others know you're not available. Sometimes we fear saying no because what if everybody leaves? What if people don't like us anymore? Well if that's the case, then maybe we should say, “Good riddance!” Maybe it's better that they're not around anymore because you don't deserve to have people in your life who just use you for the things you provide. Make sure that you also set boundaries. This means not allowing behavior that makes you uncomfortable or forcing yourself to be around triggering aspects of life. This could be a situation, or it could be a person. For example, let's say, at work you have adopted the role as the mediator. Nobody else was willing to do it so you had to step up and take the lead,

because it's hard for you to say no. Every time there's an issue between two of your coworkers, they always ask you for your advice. You're always the one who is asked to run to them and make sure that they are perfectly fine and able to resolve their issues. This is where you might want to set a boundary. You can tell other people, “I'm not helping you anymore. I can't take care of you; I have my own issues and I can't be a part of this responsibility.” It is entirely fair for you to set that kind of boundary and to create that conversation with the other person. Let them know that you are not willing to take on these roles any longer because they are mentally draining. They are taking a part of you away and not ever fulfilling that hole. You're becoming exhausted. Boundaries should also be set with individuals, and the behavior that you might not like with them. For example, let's say that your husband is always slamming things when he comes home every day. He's angry. He simply hates his job and he take that out on everybody else around him. He comes home, he stomps around, and he sighs loudly. He's always making small remarks like shit or dammit when he drops things, and it's just getting to be too much. This type of aggressive behavior needs to be stopped, not just for your health but for his health. If he's not willing to change himself that's fine, but you need to let him know he can't behave that way in front of you anymore. If he's going to act like that he needs to go into the other room. You deserve to set this boundary. You're not shaming him or making him feel bad for his actions, even though they might need improved. You're focusing instead on yourself. You're letting him know that these make you feel uncomfortable. That is completely within your rights and you have every right to go through with that. Your Needs and Comfort Zone

As an empath it's very important that you recognize what your needs are. This might be uncomfortable for you and you might have no idea where to even start because you have ignored your needs for so long. However, it is completely within your rights to recognize the things that are required for fulfillment. This begins first by looking at your basic needs. What is being fulfilled and what is being ignored? This might include anything like emotional fulfillment, romantic fulfillment, and so on. Look at these needs and recognize how to grow them in that aspect. After this, you want to pay attention to your comfort zone. What makes you feel comfortable and what puts you outside into a place that you don't enjoy? Recognize this comfort and be prepared to share that with other people. At the same time, you want to still experiment with going outside of your comfort zone. Empaths can easily get trapped in their own mind, which can keep them physically trapped in their own apartment or home. Step outside and get to know the earth, get to know yourself and become closer with your own thoughts and opinions. You are deserving of this factor at the very least. Knowing When to Fix Things or Leave At this point, you've likely recognized some toxic relationships from the past. Maybe it was another partner or a family member that you have had a tumultuous relationship with. Regardless of that aspect, you need to question within yourself whether or not you should stay with this person or if it's time to leave. Let's take a look at some of the basic signs for both of these aspects. Your relationship can be saved, and improvement is possible if: ●

you are both willing to admit you’re wrong

●

there’s equal effort put into making repairs

● love and connection is the main aspect keeping you together – not a factor like money or children It’s probably best to end, or at least spend less time with the other person if: ●

only one person is putting effort in

●

abuse of any kind is involved

●

your beliefs contrast one another to the point that it is impeding on

daily life ●

regret, shame, and past experiences still linger and get brought

Chapter 100: Empaths and The Spiritual Awakening Process Your ability as an empath is often a key to the door of your spiritual “awakening.” The more you become aware of your own emotions and true self, the more you recognize in others, the more you will feel “alive” or aware of the world around you. It is the “ah ha” moment. This can occur over time and very slowly, or it can happen in a fierce surge. No matter how it appears to you, it can feel overwhelming. The more you recognize that you are not alone or “crazy,” the more you can feel at ease. You are not the only one generating all those emotions and physical responses you are feeling. This takes time, effort, and guidance to realize this, but when you do, it is possible to feel faith and clarity. It may come as a surprise to learn that there are cultures in this present day that consider being an empath as a normal state of being. It is contrary to the perspective of the Western culture, but it exists, this belief that all people should be able to understand the energy in the world around you and you can respond appropriately. But because of this counter-view, and years of alternative conditioning, many people have simply lost or never developed their empath abilities. And what happens now, when someone does possess this amazing gift, is that they feel different, strange, and alone. It is likely that there are far more empaths and people who are highly sensitive to energy than you realize. It is likely that they are hiding their gift or are simply not aware of why they are the way they are. It is possible for just about any human to be an empath. And a person’s empathic ability can

develop at any age and in any place. It does not matter your age, race, nationality, gender, etc.; you can become an empath. It is also possible to “lose” your abilities, or never recognize them, mainly because you disconnect from your own emotions or from your own sense of self and therefore cannot discover this side. Connecting, sharing, and leading with your emotions is often frowned upon in contemporary, Western culture. Instead, you often see encouragement for more critical communication and negative messaging. Even the ideas perpetuated behind diets, exercise, and personal belief systems encourage singularity and disconnection instead of influence and connection. These are messages that are received constantly by a person living in such a culture and leads to the conditioning that is contrary to the nature of an empath. The repetitive, negative conditioning is what leads to people being labeled as “alexithymia.” This describes a person that is incapable of understanding or describing their emotions. It is this inability to understand your true self that brings on many of the problems you see today; anxiety, depression, physical numbing, obsessions with electronics, addictions, and eating disorders. When you are not able to identify who you truly are and are not connected to your personal truth all of these problems, and many more, are heightened. Many people turn to this state of being to avoid things. They look to avoid feelings, emotions or situations for one reason or another. Often it has to do with discomfort. They do not need to deal with the uncomfortable feelings, and therefore “numb” themselves to who they really are. While reading this you may think this is an extreme example. You may feel that this applies only to a small percentage of the population. The unfortunate truth is that it is a reality for many situations. There are

millions of people that are so far out of touch with who they are their center and the feelings that they experience throughout the day, that they are most likely living in the same house with you, are your friends and family, or coworkers at work. Now that you know about this conditioning and reality, as you move throughout your day, consider tuning into the people around you and see if you can discover the people that are out of touch with their center. The more you practice your empath gift, the better you will get at identifying these types of people. There are more alexithymia people now than ever before. This is leading to a crisis of faith. While all people have the ability to be an empath, it is simply not being supported. Since the 1980’s there has been a decline in empaths, and empathy in general, in the United States, according to author, philosopher, and great thinker, Roman Krzanich. Over the last decade, it is only getting worse. This is partly due to more people than ever living by themselves, and fewer people engaging in community and social activities. These types of situations tear people away from the opportunity to connect and practice empath abilities, let alone empathy in general. For example, Krzanich theorizes that the level of general empathy has dropped by 50 percent in the last 40 years. In an effort to help you identify those that are no longer connected to their center, to other people, and to a spiritual belief, below is a list of common actions for alexithymia people: ● ●

Impulsive or compulsive behavior. Challenges in personal relationships. Their connections are

not healthy but rather are with a dominant, dependent, or distant partner. ● They are incapable of honestly putting their feelings into words, especially when asked directly. This inability is termed as “poor

emotional intelligence.” ●

Emotional outbursts occur without notice, like uncontrollable

crying or unbridled rage. ●

Stifled creativity and imagination. Decisions based on logic

and reason are viewed as more important. ●

There is minimal or missing intuition. Their “gut” instinct is

malfunctioning. They tend to think more from their “head,” than their “gut” or “heart.” ● Cannot connect deeply with other people and cannot identify with others. It is common to find these people isolated. ●

psychological disorders and medical issues include;

○

fibromyalgia or migraines

○

depression, personality disorders, or anxiety

○

obesity, binge eating, overeating, anorexia, or bulimia

The more you become aware of your empathic gift, the more your spiritual journey becomes illuminated. This journey can be relieving and exciting, but it can also bring with its new challenges; ● New anxiety or social phobias can arise as you become more aware and understanding of other people’s emotions. ●

Self-realization and recognition of how others perceive you

can cause a self-conscious response. ●

You are no longer hiding or numbing challenges, but facing

and dealing with them. It is a ride that can be tumultuous at times. As an empath, not all these emotions are yours, but you still need to experience them just the same.

●

Even though you are learning and practicing separating your

emotions from the emotions of others, there are times that they intertwine, and it can be confusing. Sometimes the flood of emotion is another person’s, but sometimes it is your own. When you are first beginning to unravel your ability, this can get very frustrating. ● Even as you awaken spiritually, you can experience low selfesteem and doubt. You can feel like you were not given a life raft in the middle of a wild storm. You can feel like this is an impossible gift, and why any higher power would “curse” you with this ability. You can doubt your ability to control your power and feel incompetent. This is where you will notice a lot of negative self-talk occurring. Old beliefs and views can stall your spiritual journey in this situation. ●

The more you connect to your higher power, the more you

connect with yourself as well. During this spiritual awakening, it is common to find people taking better care of their physical body, as well. It is normal to see someone seeking help for addictive or harmful behaviors, taking better care of their hygiene, making healthier choices with their food and drink, and watching their general health more closely. ● It is also common to see “new” things that you did not notice before because you are more connected to the world around you. While some of these “new” observations are great and wonderful, some things can be scary. Some of these new things can make you feel unhappy and sad, while at other times they can make you almost euphoric. ●

There is a marked increase in your creativity. While you are

inspired and eager to create something, you may still struggle with where to start or channel this energy, but the desire is strong. You want to express yourself creatively.

For those that are just learning how to identify and feel their emotions for the first time, developing and tapping into empathic abilities can be an arduous and tedious journey. Some days it can feel like you are a disjointed mess, while other days you feel whole and rooted. The thing to remember, no matter how you are experiencing your spiritual journey and connection, is that you need to continue to practice. You need to hone your ability and protection. The more you do this, the less you will feel the dramatic waves of happy and sad, connected and removed, spiritually alive and singularly disconnected.

Chapter 101: Healing the Emotional Realm When it comes to healing, many empaths know they need to focus on their emotional well-being. While your psychological and physical well-being is just as important.

How to Start Healing The basis of how to start healing is realizing that you cannot continue to go the way you are going. For example, you are constantly drained, and this makes you feel that you cannot focus on helping people. Because of this, you find yourself struggling to ground yourself, meditate, and give people the best advice to help them through a difficult situation. Parts of your life that used to come easy seem impossible. You are feeling physically sick often and you don’t understand why but believe it might have something to do with your constant fatigue. As time goes on, you start to worry that something might be seriously wrong with you. While you should always get yourself, check is you truly feel something is wrong, you could feel this way because you are emotionally drained. If you have helped people heal, but you haven’t focused on yourself or spent time releasing the negative energies from your soul, then you need to start focusing on your healing. The first step to take when you will start healing emotionally is to understand what this means. People often know what it means to heal physically or psychologically, but they don’t understand the meaning of emotional healing. When you heal emotionally, you are focusing on your feelings. Because of your high sensitivity, your feelings are often hurt by yourself and other people. Most people don’t mean to hurt your feelings. In their mind, they are trying to help you, but they don’t understand how your sensitivity affects how you process what they say and handle it emotionally. You often hurt your own feelings because of the harsh words you tell yourself.

The Process of Emotional Healing Emotional healing is a process that can take days to years, depending on the situation and how much it affected you. For example, if you are trying to heal emotionally from an abusive childhood you will spend years focusing on healing these wounds. If you are trying to heal from the words your coworker said, you might find yourself going through the healing process within a couple of days. No matter what happens to place yourself in the emotional healing process, the first step is to accept it. You want to accept the situation and accept the emotions you felt and continue to feel. For instance, if you are angry at your parents and don’t understand why they hurt you, it is important you accept this. If you are sad about your co-working feeling that you are not a hardenough worker, you need to focus on accepting their words. Once you accept the feelings, you need to work through your feelings. For example, you need to understand why you feel anger toward your parents. Working through your emotions are one of the hardest parts of the emotional healing process because you ask yourself questions to get to the bottom of your emotions. You will ask yourself all the questions you can think about. For instance, you might question why your parents treated you in a certain way. You might ask yourself if you did anything to deserve the treatment, even if you know the abuse was not your fault. You might ask why they felt it was okay to treat you in such as manner. Asking yourself questions will help you work through your emotions because it will allow you to open the door to your unconscious emotions. Realizing your unconscious emotions is a powerful step in the healing process. These are the emotions that you felt, but you didn’t acknowledge because you didn’t realize they were there. You will often find these

emotions when you are reflecting on your questions as you will think, “This situation made me feel so angry” when you thought your true emotion was sadness. Unconscious emotions are difficult to understand from time to time because they are your secondary emotions. They are a combination of other emotions and you don’t always know how to name them. This is when your emotional vocabulary will come into use. You can put a name on your conscious emotion and continue your healing process. Understanding is the final stage of emotional healing. You are no longer avoiding your feelings and you have given each emotion a name. You are now on your way to focusing on why you feel the way you do about the situation and coming to terms with what happened. You might start to feel grateful for the situation as you can now see your emotional growth.

Tips for Emotional Healing Emotional healing is not easy. You will become frustrated and often feel drained. There will be days where getting out of bed is difficult because you feel so drained. It is important that you continue to focus on your routine as this will help you throughout your healing journey. Other than remaining in routine, there are a lot of other tips that can help you thrive throughout this process. Do Your Best to Flip the Anxiety Switch to Off Imagine Your Best Self Forget the Past Be Yourself Be Aware of Your Emotions Learn Your Triggers

Chapter 102: The Spiritual Purpose of Empaths Even though each person has a different reason, there is one common theme within the experience of the empath that lends spiritual meaning to it and that is its direct contact with humanity and consciousness. Empaths can go nearly their whole lives without realizing that they are an empath. They may assume that all people feel the world in the same way that they do. Only when they get older do they realize that they are different. They will seek out solutions and answers, for many years sometimes, without finding what they are looking for. It can be a great relief to learn about the term “empath” and it usually occurs accidentally. Regardless of how one discovers their true nature, self-awareness will always be a challenge for the empath since their personality type is still such a mystery. • Feeling Ashamed: Different empaths will experience their gift in different ways, which can make defining the empath even harder. Even when an empath recognizes that someone else might share their trait, they may have a hard time knowing how to bring it up in conversation. Since the word itself is associated with science fiction and fantasy, it makes it even harder for people to admit what they are experiencing. They feel a sense of shame or fear of judgment for who they are. •

Turning Points or Triggers: Some empath types say that a specific

situation or event is what caused their abilities to awaken, like a pregnancy, sudden sickness, or car accident.

Some of these occurrences could be traumatic, while others seem neutral or even positive. However, each of these events appeared to be a new level for them that led them to stop denying their innate abilities. Oftentimes, the triggering event first leads to a denial phase or difficulty accepting what is happening. • Being Born with the Ability: There is also the other case of people who felt as though they were born with their skill. One major difference between these types is an understanding relative who may have brought it up to them at a young age. When an empath has someone like this around, it appears to have a dramatic impact on how much the empath will accept their skill and develop their abilities. They will also be more likely to have a strong state of mind. Empaths tend to thrive when they have a positive attitude about their personality. This proves that even for those who have struggled with accepting themselves, changes can be made for the better. • A Trait without Choice: Regardless of how the skill comes to be known, most empaths don’t feel like they chose what they have. Most empaths feel like they were forced to be this way and see it as something undesirable or inevitable. This personality type does not happen by choice. Seeking Purpose as an Empath: One common question asked by empaths is “What is the reason for this?” •

A Natural Need: From childhood on, humans seek out connection to

their fellow humans. As much as some of us might like to be, the human race is not solitary, but highly social.

From friends to parents, we dedicate a huge portion of our lives to pursuing connected and meaningful relations with others. But forming these valuable connections is a challenge. Just a quick Google search on the topic will show you how hard it is to authentically communicate with others. •

A Lack of Authenticity: This trouble connecting is especially common

in the modern world where many of the accepted social conventions discourage genuine interaction. For instance, pretending to like someone in order to appear polite or hiding your anger because it isn’t nice or feminine. There are plenty of reasons why individuals keep their feelings hidden, which has given us the difficult situation of wanting to relate to others but not being able to tell how they are really feeling. Authenticity seems to have been weeded from our nature. Disconnecting from our emotions is not natural and leads us to suffer as we suppress them out of fear. We get pushed ever farther away from genuine connection and pushed closer to social obligation or fakeness. As social beings, not having this need to connect deeply leaves us feeling malnourished emotionally. And most of us have even forgotten how to go beyond this problem. • The Necessity for Empaths: Looking at this situation, perhaps it’s not very surprising that empaths have evolved within our society. They bring something that many others have lost; the ability to read others’ emotions in a true and genuine way. They can read another person’s emotions, even without nonverbal or verbal cues. They are able to connect with what is most genuine inside of another

person. Most humans are disconnected from nature these days, but regardless of that, nature impacts them and strives to keep them balanced. Life strives to find balance regardless of how much humans disregard it. The empath is a manifestation of something drastically different than the norm of being emotionally disconnected. It could be nature’s attempt to redistribute itself in a way that makes more sense. The average modern human struggles deeply with talking about their emotions. They might feel drawn to the empath inexplicably because they can sense that the empath can feel what they feel.

Chapter 103: Strategies to Overcome Fear and Anxiety One of the most known anxieties disorders are fears, among which we can highlight social fear. But what is social fear? What can we do to overcome it? When it comes to fear there is only one true option. Face it. As stated in the anecdote about S, courage is not an absence of fear but the ability to overcome it. You cannot gain courage if you are not actively exercising it. Facing your fears can start as simply as eating a food you know you do not like. It seems like it does not make much sense. How is eating food you hate facing your fears? If you have avoided a certain food long enough, the fear of having to taste that food again builds up in your mind. If you ever see that food again you will be filled with dread. Face that dread and you will be one tiny step closer in the right direction. Try facing your other fears. You have a fear of heights? Ride a ski lift. Are you afraid of dogs? Go to an animal shelter and get close to a few (don’t get bitten). If you’re afraid of water, go swimming. An Empath is supposed to help reconcile the fear of others, which cannot be done if they cannot even face their own fears. Self-doubt and insecurities are our individual fears manifested into action but oppose to general fear they usually stem from your perceived worth or the worth of our capabilities. Some of these insecurities are inflicted on us by our parents, or people around us, and doubts stem from our belief in these insecurities. In order to truly absolve yourself of insecurities you must find the root. This may take hours of meditation, or years of spiritual exploration, depending on how deep the root of the insecurity goes. If the root of your insecurity does run deep with you, you can always do a little

exercise that helps. Look into a mirror and stare yourself down. Give yourself the most dominant expression you can. This will start to rewire your mind to see itself as a dominant force. The say the following “I will conquer my insecurities”. Repeat this loudly, as many times as you have to until you believe it. You must try your best to do this exercise every day. You will have boosted courage to not only act in your true manner despite your insecurities, but to continue working on yourself. For doubts it is much of the same. Mediation on the reason for doubts can often lead to dispelling the doubt, if you find a solution in your mediation, but more often than not the doubts in your mind are placed on you by your own lack of confidence. Confidence can only come with experience and experience only comes through trial and error. If you doubt your decision on something do it anyway. If you are right, you will start gaining confidence to defeat your doubts. If you are wrong, be happier. You have still gained valuable experience that is needed to progress as a person, if not more. As former high school basketball Coach Morgan Wooten said “You learn more from losing than winning. You learn how to keep going.” Once you have had practiced conquering your own fears you can begin to understand the fears of others, which is important to the Empath. Having just conquered or started to conquer their own fears, Empaths understand the negative effects these emotions can have on people. However, even if one has conquered their own fears, dealing with the fears of others can be dreadful. This is something that comes with practice. You must learn and feel the fear of others before you understand it. There is no shortcut or easy way. Learning to experience someone else’s fear and trying to share that experience is one of the most difficult things you will face as an Empath. When I was in high school, I went to a party out in the hills. My hometown has vast amounts of land where there is nothing but hill and trees for miles,

the places for underage kids to drink without supervision. It was nearing the end of senior year and everyone was excited to have one last hurrah. I remember showing up to the bonfire, having a lot of drinks and a damn good time. Suddenly, someone yelled “Police!” from over the ridge, and anyone who has ever been to a high school party knows exactly what happened next. Kids were running all over the place. People were tripping on each other to escape, terrified at the prospect of being busted for drinking right before the biggest moment of their unexperienced lives. I too was scared. The last thing I needed was to sit in juvenile hall for the night. My friends were rushing me to go, and I was just about to leave with them when I saw kid laying down by the bonfire. He was completely unconscious, and his breathing was slowed. “Look, someone left him” I said pointing the boy out to my friends. “His friends will come for him, let’s go!” I just sat there staring, almost everyone had gone. No one was coming back for him. “We can’t just leave him here.” I protested. “The cops are coming; they will get him and us if we don’t go now!” It was then I had to make a choice. I could either leave with my friends or leave the kid. I took a deep breath and calmed down. If the cops were coming, then why aren’t they here by now? It had occurred to me that it was just some prank pulled by the upperclassmen, and if that was the case, we were all about to leave a drunk boy in the middle of almost nowhere. “We have to take him” I walked over to the boy and tried to grab him. My friend was reluctant but came to help me carry the kid back to my car where he drove him to the hospital and dropped him off (not the most admirable act, but I was still pretty young). The kid never did thank me (I’m not sure he even remembers). However, ever since that day I became aware of how powerful the ability to take a deep breath, work through my fear and reassess my situation can really be. It is an essential skill for the Empath.

How to Overcome Anxiety? Anxiety is described as the act of having persistent and excessive worry. However, the issue with anxiety goes far beyond a single worry. If an individual were to only be dealing with one worry, then it probably would not seem like as big of a deal. Unfortunately, people who have anxiety disorders, more specifically generalized anxiety disorder, tend to be swarmed by one worry that then leads into another worry, then another, and so on. This explains why anxiety is actually a cycle. Worries are also what keeps that cycle going around and around. Even though a person might be experiencing a worry that could actually be solved, the worry continues on for multiple reasons. The first reason for why is that there are some of a person’s worries that can fall under the category of biased thinking. This could mean an individual is giving too much weight to a likelihood that a negative outcome will take place. Biased thinking can also mean a person is exaggerating how bad the negative outcome will end up being. Some types of worries are actually strengthened by the negative thoughts that a person has about themselves like the person is not capable of coping with any type of negative outcome that could possibly occur. The second reason why a person might find their worries continuing to take up most of their thoughts is due to the fact that some worries persist because of how certain information in an environment goes about being processed. Someone who suffers from generalized anxiety disorder will sometimes selectively choose to look into the information that will support their worries while ignoring any information that refutes their worrying thoughts.

Memories can also be selective just like a person’s worries. In some instances, people who have issues with anxiety have a difficult time remembering any data that portrays a contradiction to the particular worry they are currently dealing with. The third possible reason for why an individual’s worries might be persistent is based on how the person is responding to those worries. Someone who has an untreated anxiety disorder might respond to their fears by trying one of three things. They might attempt to suppress their worries, seek reassurance that nothing negative will actually happen, or they could end up avoiding a situation the triggers their fear. The greatest downfall to choosing any of those responses is that any of those strategies will make a person feel horrible, which will lead to their worries being reinforced. This all ends up making the person’s cycle of anxiety extremely difficult to break later down the line.

Chapter 104: Meditation for Empaths Meditation should be the corner stone of building a healthy and happier life for an empath. It works to reset the mind and body. Sensitives can meditate while imaging themselves engulfed in a white bubble of light which is made of love and protection. Envision this bubble as something which keeps all negativity out. Similar to the grounding technique, meditate with the aim to keep yourself guarded from unwanted things. The benefits of meditation are incredible if you are not meditating at the moment. Here is another good reason to start. Trained Empaths are considered gifted individuals with psychic or supernatural abilities. Thus, it’s imperative that they should spend some quiet time by themselves through meditation. If you’re harnessing your Empath powers, you have to learn how to meditate properly. This is because meditation has been proven to work more effectively than psychiatric drugs in treating anxiety and depression caused by being an Empath. Over the course of history outstanding personalities had always been known to meditate and even fast. Jesus of Nazareth isolated himself in the forest for 40 days and 40 nights. Mahatma Gandhi, one of the greatest men of India, had been reported to have used Sahaja Yoga meditation. In this generation, Oprah Winfrey, Ellen DeGeneres, Angelina Jolie, Richard Gere, Hugh Jackman and countless more are into meditation. It can be difficult at first, but as you perform meditation regularly, you will eventually get the hang of it.

Here are the benefits Empaths can get from Meditation: 1.

Renewal of spirit

If you’re an Empath, you are constantly stressed out because of the myriad of emotions that often assail you. Through meditation in tranquil and secure surroundings you can ease the stress and renew your spirit. The energy of the Universe can freely flow into you if you allow your spirit to open up. Nature heals the human spirit because you are part of the Universe. A breath of fresh air, amid the silence of Mother Nature can do wonders to your spirit. That’s why the sound and feel of nature have been used to calm nerves and ease anxiety (sound of waterfalls, sound of soft winds, sound of rain and similar sounds). It’s best to meditate in a secluded place near Mother Nature, but in cases when it’s not possible to do so, you can always modify your surroundings to mimic nature. There are taped nature sounds that you can buy in stores. If you’re not near any natural places, your room at home can be the best place to meditate. Listen to a tape of natural sounds and meditate. 2.

Rejuvenation of the body

Not only will your spirit be renewed but your body will be rejuvenated, as well. Meditation relaxes your muscles and recharges them. Scientific studies proved that meditation is one of the best methods to rejuvenate your body. 3.

Time for grounding and rest

Meditation also allows your entire body to rest and to ground yourself back to your inner self. Your mental, emotional and physical aspects become rested and more grounded after a proper meditation.

4.

Self-examination

Likewise, it’s a superb time to do some self-examination. Evaluating your past actions and determining what you have done wrong will allow you to re-direct your goals. 5.

Re-focusing

After the self-examination, you can now re-focus on your next plans. Redirecting your goals to more fruitful endeavors would be a significant milestone in your life. You can now focus on eradicating your weaknesses. An Empath should meditate regularly to lead his life to the right direction. Without meditation, the Empath can drift aimlessly in the ocean of life like a rudderless ship without a captain. Meditation has shown to be an effective way of resolving issues with depression, stress, anxiety and insomnia, allowing you to relax and embrace calmness while letting go of all that’s negative. As we have already mentioned, we will show you how to meditate step-by-step, which should help you relieve stress and embrace positivity. Alongside other techniques we have listed for emotional, spiritual and psychological healing, meditation should become one of the most reliable ways of healing your body and mind. Let’s start with our very first step. Step #1: Find a Suitable Place for Meditation One of the most important things before you start meditating is to find a suitable place for your meditation. In order to be able to relax and focus on your meditation techniques, you want to find a quiet place. Although this task might sound as easier said than done, especially if you live in a busy part of town, finding a peaceful and quiet spot in your house should make a crucial step towards finding your inner peace. However, as you are still learning how to meditate, finding a quiet place with minimum distractions

is recommended. At the very beginning, you might find it difficult to oversee distractions in form of noise, but this case should become less than a problem as you are progressing with your meditation technique. Step #2: Find a Comfortable Position Meditation doesn’t have to be done in the well-known cross-legged position familiar as the traditional pose for meditation, while many beginners find it uncomfortable to begin with. Instead, what is important when starting to practice meditation is to use the position you find the most comfortable. That means that you can choose practically any position you find suitable; sitting, lying down, half-seated, backed against the wall – any position that feels good and sets you up in the state of relaxation is a good position for meditation. Step #3: Breathing Breathing is the job half done when performed correctly in meditation. When meditating, you will be placing a great focus on your breathing technique, relying on taking deep breaths so that you would be able to relax and calm yourself. Taking deep breaths works by setting your body to a state of relaxation, which is why you should pay great attention to the way you are breathing during meditation. Breathing by taking deep breaths is set to relax your muscles and your upper body, while you can use your diaphragm muscles to improve the quality of breathing by taking more oxygen while expanding your lungs. When practicing your breathing technique for meditation, try taking deep breaths, breathing in and out at a moderate pace. Breathe in and out through your nose while trying to keep your lips and your face relaxed while you are doing so. Step #4: Settling Your Mind

You need to find a center of focus when meditating as it is not an uncommon case to have your mind floating to different thoughts and images during the state of meditation. When meditating, you are not only freeing your body, but also freeing your mind, which means that your mind might decide to wander off, which leads to losing a focus. Focus doesn’t have to be a particular thing or mantra – it can be nothingness - tabula rasa if you will, as even thinking of nothing is still thinking of something. You need your focus either way. Once you diminish all distractions, find a perfect position and establish a steady pace of breathing, you should try settling your mind by finding a strong focus. Step #5: Meditation Should Become a Practice Once you manage to settle your mind and put your breathing technique in order, you should be able to free your body and mind on a daily basis. We recommend turning meditation time into a healthy routine that should help you deal with negativity and emotions in the long run. What you also need to note is the fact that there are lots of different types of meditation techniques, while you should try and find the one most suitable for your needs. Step #6: Take it Easy if You Encounter Resistance One of the most important indicators that meditation is working is enjoying your meditation time. In case you have been tensed for quite a while and are probably used to stress and tension due to frequent involvement of other people’s emotions and energies. It may be sometimes hard to make a quick transition from being tensed and under stress to achieving the state of peace and serenity. The fact is that this kind of transitions take time and should be viewed as something that requires your patience and devotion. In case you have been living with stress and tension for some time, you might find

meditation difficult at first and even agitating as you might not be able to let go of negativity and focus on your breathing technique. If this is the case with you, don’t be discouraged as you can always get back to trying to let go of stress through meditation once you feel ready and more prepared.

Chapter 105: How to Become A Healer of Others? Empaths are natural healers. It is very difficult for us to pass up on a person we feel needs help. We want to help everyone we can. And yes, we do have the power to heal them. However, someone with a constant low vibrational energy will suck the life out of us if we spend too much time with them. You may have found that you have had many an unsuccessful relationship, both romantically and platonic. You can sense the small cracks in a person, but that is no big deal to us. “We’ll fix it”. But we seldom realize that helping someone repair their energies is different than repairing their mind and thought process. We are not psychologists. Our work may be effective for a short period while they are with us. But usually, our friend or loved one has a trauma or negative thought process that brings their energy to the almost constant negative state it’s in. Over time, this will become totally exhausting to you to have to “lift” this person up, over and over. Attracting people that are “broken” can be explained quite simply. While you can project energy, you can also absorb it. Picture yourself as a jar, and the energy coming in is water. The space inside the jar represents all your life experiences. The empty space left inside the jar is the negative or traumatic events in your life where you are unfulfilled or have vulnerability. The empty spaces get “filled” with the energy coming in from the people around you with similar trauma. That is why you feel a connection with people who are “broken”. Addressing traumas and healing those spaces will aid in connecting you with more healthy people in your life, hence successful relationships. It is in our best interest to make a conscious decision to choose partners and friends that are stable and happy, with a good strong higher-level vibration

(we feel as happiness and comfort). Everyone has a bad day, yes. But not every day. People that are in a constant tailspin are exhausting for anyone, let alone to an empath. Empaths are “givers”. It would be wise to set very clear boundaries with those that are takers if they are going to be a constant in your life. The takers can strip you and deplete you of your wonderful energy and leave you feeling tired and worthless. Again, this is something you need to be conscious about. You can avoid being sucked in to trying to give them all that they require. Think about it this way: you do not want to experience the empathetic emotions of a breakup. Basically, you will be feeling your own emotions and the emotions of the other person. This could be a friendship splitting or an intimate relationship. By being aware and proactive about the company you keep and how much of it, you can avoid a painful emotional experience down the road.

Self-Test for being an Empath: See if you answer yes to the following questions. If you answer yes to most of them, it’s likely that you’re an empath. Do you have finely tuned senses? It isn’t only energy and emotions that empaths pick up on easily. They are also sensitive to noises, smells, and visual stimuli. Are you a giver with a huge heart? Empaths will do anything to help another feel okay when they’re suffering. This can be a hurt friend, a lonely child, or a poor homeless person. Whenever you see someone in need, you can’t turn away or stop thinking about it. Are you highly sensitive? Empaths are typically great at listening, open minded spiritually, and caring toward those around them. They are good at nurturing people due to their big hearts and get hurt easily. They are told throughout life that they are sensitive and need to stop taking things so personally. Do you feel others’ emotions as your own? Empaths can tell instantly how other people are feeling, whether it’s positive or negative. To say that they feel everything is not just an exaggeration; they truly do. Another person’s mood will instantly become theirs.

If a negative emotion like fear or anger is prominent in another person, they soak this up, which gets exhausting. Being around positive influences on the other hand can allow them to flourish. Are you extremely intuitive? For people who feel the outside world using their own intuition, making sure it’s developed is extremely crucial. Paying attention to your gut feelings will allow you to navigate relationships, seeking out positive influences and avoiding the bad. Do you require time alone to feel okay? Soaking up everyone’s emotions all the time is exhausting. Due to this, most empaths require plenty of time alone to center themselves and recharge their batteries. Even a few minutes is enough, at times. Do you seem to attract energy vampires? Energy vampires are people who lie through prominently negative feelings, such as rage or fear, and end up sapping the peace and life from those around them. As an empath, you would be an attractive target for such a person because of your sensitivity. Empaths give and give… and the energy vampire will never hesitate to take full advantage of that. And it isn’t only physical energy that energy vampires can drain from you. The dangerous ones, like narcissists, can manipulate you into thinking you’re unworthy.

Energy vampires take many forms such as drama queens, perpetual victims, and in extreme cases, psychopaths. Do you feel more whole when you’re outside? When the chaos of the world becomes a bit much for you, you look for comfort and nourishment from the outdoors. Being around gardens, beaches, and trees restores you, allowing you to release stress and feel whole again. If you resonated with the items on this list, you are likely an empath. If this is true, you must start considering some strategies for protecting yourself from the outside world. Some of the most beneficial practices to instill are managing your time effectively, setting boundaries, and spending a lot of time outside.

Chapter 106: Emotional Healing Methods Now that you have done the work to heal yourself, it may be time to start exploring the different types of healing to which empaths are best suited. This will introduce you healing methods that are likely to work best for emotional empaths, but there are no reason why other empath types should not experiment with these methods if they feel drawn to them.

Meditation Of all the empathic healing methods available, meditation is perhaps the most easily accessible for those with limitations, be they financial, logistical, temporal, or otherwise. Anyone can learn to meditate, at any age, in any place, at any time, for as short or long of a session as they can manage. Meditation requires at least a few minutes of quiet and stillness. It can be practiced standing, sitting, lying down, or in a challenging yoga pose. The goal is to close your eyes, breathe mindfully, and allow yourself to recognize your own thought patterns without being consumed or overpowered by them. It is a common misconception that you can only successfully meditate with a clear mind. It’s not about not thinking; it’s thinking about your thoughts, recognizing that they are only thoughts (not reality) and that you have the power to embrace them or to let them go. Some people prefer to use meditation guides—classes or audio recordings that provide ideas or concepts to meditate upon. Others find it more productive to simply let their mind wander and ride the wave of thoughts, while still staying healthily detached from them. This would allow you to encounter a thought that causes you anxiety—say, for instance, that in the midst of a meditation session, you suddenly remember an overdue bill that you’ve forgotten to pay—but rather than spinning into a panic or buying into negative beliefs about yourself, your detached mind might instead think: “I wonder why this thought came up at this particular moment. Normally, I’d fly into a panic over this. What other reactions could I choose that might serve me better?”

Ceremonial Healing There are many different kinds of ceremonial healing rituals; some are attached to spiritual faiths and derived from ancient traditions, such as Native American, Wiccan or Pagan healing ceremonies, while other New Age traditions aim to incorporate knowledge from multiple cultures and schools of thought, making rituals accessible to experienced practitioners and novices alike. Ceremonial healing rituals can also be focused on physical ailments, but here, we’ll touch on two of the most popular emotional healing methods. You may find many other ritual services are available to you if you contact lightworkers and healers in your area.

Energy Shields Creating an energy shield is something you can do for yourself, even with very little experience. It is largely a mental visualization exercise, in which you imagine a shield of energy drawn around yourself and define very clearly what you want to let inside, what must be kept out, and what type of energy the shield is made of. Energy shields can be protective or deflective; they can be solid and rigid or woven like a grid to allow certain elements in while guarding against others. They may be drawn to help us accomplish our goals, or they may be created to help us ward off toxic, destructive energies. If you are struggling to make your own energy shield effective, it may be wise to seek out an energy healer to help with a ceremonial shield creation. This may involve a consultation, meditation, crystal healing work, a sonic healing element, and maybe the repetition of mantras or affirmations. Logistics will vary, depending on the healer you choose to work with. Whatever the process, an energy shield created by two empaths will be exponentially stronger and more tangible than any shield created by a lone individual. In a ceremony like this, it’s important to be as honest and transparent as possible with your healer and to stay open-minded. Their rituals may seem odd to you, but at the end of the day, your energy shield will only ever be as strong as your belief in it.

Cord Cutting Ceremony Often, when we deal with the process of ending toxic relationships, be they romantic, platonic, professional or familial, we assume that proximity or physical exposure to the other party is the primary source of our problem. We behave as though naming the end of the relationship should be enough to foster healing and jumpstart the process of moving on, or as though putting physical distance between ourselves and the other party should be enough to get them out of our heads and hearts. In reality, relationships are far more complex than we give them credit for, and healing from a toxic relationship can be just as intense as healing from a major physical injury or illness. Relationships aren’t just about spending time together; they are about a constant exchange of energy. Even after a relationship is “ended,” it is still entirely possible for one or both parties to continue pouring energy into it. Initially, this is unavoidable—any relationship that is deeply important to you will need to be adequately mourned before you’ll be able to move on from it. But at a certain point, continuing to dwell on the ending of a toxic relationship, or continuing to hold on to the habits, values, and ideas that were central to it, can be detrimental to your emotional health and well-being. In these instances, a Cord Cutting Ceremony can be just the right thing to help a person move on from a relationship, not simply in a physical sense, but on an energetic, emotional, and metaphysical level.

Talk Therapy There are a few different schools of established and respected thought within the world of talk therapy, but generally speaking, it is a process in which an individual (or group of individuals in a relationship or family unit) can work on self-reflection and self-improvement with the assistance of an objective third party. Empaths can be particularly well-suited to the therapy profession because we are often able to put people at ease, communicate even with the most guarded individuals, and read subtle, non-verbal cues that can provide enormous insight into the internal workings of others’ minds. Patients in talk therapy are generally hoping to receive some compassionate understanding from the professional sitting opposite them, along with constructive recommendations for growth and change. Unfortunately, there are plenty of people who have chosen to become therapists who lack the ability to make their clients emotionally comfortable or to be sensitive to their clients’ sore spots and triggers. Empaths can be a much-needed counterbalance to these types, creating safe spaces that are emotionally welcoming, nurturing, and validating. The empathic therapist may struggle, though, with restraint. An important part of therapy work is self-reflection, self-revelation, and the development of self-awareness; none of these things can be accomplished when a therapist does too much of the work, or emotional processing, on their patient's behalf. If someone is simply told: "The root of all your relationship problems is your fractured relationship with your own mother," the chances are that they will react with skepticism or even hostility, as it makes most people very uncomfortable to be seen by others in a way that they cannot see themselves. However, if they are able to come to this realization on their

own terms, they will be better able to incorporate this idea into their healing journey, and better motivated to work on personal growth, feeling empowered rather than vulnerable and ashamed. This can be difficult for empaths, which can often read people very quickly and detect the root of their frustrations ages before the person in question develops enough selfawareness to catch wise.

Intuitive Counseling Intuitive counseling is very similar to talk therapy but incorporates the therapist’s empathic sensitivities to a far greater extent. An intuitive counselor will look beyond the framework of traditional psychotherapy and use their empathic instincts to help patients to uncover repressed or buried truths about themselves. Intuitive counselors may also make more specific recommendations to their patients, providing actionable advice where most traditional therapists would only be able to generalize. Intuitive counselors should still aim to respect the same patient-therapist boundaries that a therapist would. The primary difference lies in the fact that they are honest with their clients about their ability to pick up on unspoken cues, and that they may use intuitive information to inform their work in sessions. As an example, an intuitive counselor might handle work with a client in an abusive marriage very differently than a traditional therapist would; the traditional therapist would not be at liberty to push their client to examine the realities of their marriage unless the client expressed concerns themselves. The intuitive counselor, by contrast, would be able to say: “I’ve picked up on some negative energies surrounding your marriage, and I wonder if we can begin addressing that in our session today. Am I reading this energy accurately?” Many intuitive counselors also hold degrees in social work or psychology, as well as licenses to practice traditional therapy. Some, however, do not. If you are a patient, it’s important to do some research to understand what degrees, licenses and accolades your counselor has acquired, and what they all mean. Finding the right therapist or counselor may be a lengthy process, but it can be made worlds easier when you know what you are looking for before you begin. Reserve the right to be picky; your therapist or counselor

should be an individual that you feel comfortable with, who respects you and works to earn your respect in turn. No amount of degrees or licenses should override your sense that someone isn’t right for you, nor should a lack of appropriate credentials stop you from working with someone who seems like a good fit.

Conclusion Going on a journey of self-exploration is one of the kindest things you can ever do for yourself. You've provided an important quality of life that not everybody will be able to emulate. You've given yourself the opportunity to seek out greater fulfillment. There are many empaths that will go throughout their entire lives without recognizing their abilities. They will be confused by these constant thoughts and emotions they have. Others will call them sensitive and they won't make any sense of their surroundings. They will feel isolated, confused, sad, and lonely. This is one of the most tragic things that could ever happen to an empath. There are others that would love to be able to seek this gift. They are missing something important in their life and will seek out answers in all avenues. Feeling confused about what to do in your life is one thing, but not having intention or purpose can be even worse. It feels like you can’t fully go on when you don’t know what your purpose is next. It can make you feel like an outcast and as though your life has no meaning. We might have everything we could ever need: money, family, fortune, friends, status, beauty, health, and everything else. If we still don’t know what our emotional purpose is, we can feel rather empty inside. Don't allow yourself to fall into this kind of pattern. Instead, focus on how you can nourish and flourish your overall powers. Put yourself first and prioritize your own emotions. You can’t give to others when your own bowl is empty.

You don’t let certain things become empty in your life such as your bank account, phone battery, refrigerator, and so on. Sometimes these things do get empty, but usually unintentionally. If you prioritize fulfilling these as much as possible, why are you not making sure your emotional meter is just as full? Being an empath has given you a unique perspective that others will never be able to achieve, even if they actively seek that out. The experiences that we have are not something that can be taught. You can tell others of the things that you went through, but very few will be able to fully grasp the severity of the situation. Even the most skilled empaths won’t be able to understand your perspective 100%. They will have a greater sense of what you’ve gone through compared to others, but they won’t be able to entirely view things from the same eyes that you have. Walking a mile in someone else’s shoes can provide clarity, but they were still the ones to wear them first. Every experience that you have gone through has created the person that you are now. That might not be something that you're entirely satisfied with in this moment, but one day, you will be able to look back on your biggest struggles and recognize they've created the incredible person that you are. Even if one minor change had occurred, who knows what the other outcomes would be. Perhaps you did make a wrong decision in the past that led you away from something good. Maybe you could have been a wealthy successful doctor if only you had switched your major like you wanted to in your first semester of college. Perhaps you went on to live your fantasy life and meet the girl of your dreams, having a happily ever after.

At the same time, maybe something tragic could have occurred. Maybe on your final day of classes during your medical studies, you get in a car accident. Perhaps you end up becoming a doctor, spending all this time and money on it, and once you get an actual job, you realize that you hate the hospital you’ve moved closer to work at. Maybe you become a doctor, and it changes how people treat you. Perhaps you meet somebody different than who you are with now, and you have children with them. This could mean that children you currently have don’t exist and instead others do. You would likely love them just as much, but the idea of anyone we love in our life being different from who they are now is terrifying. It’s not always about physical situations either. Perhaps you simply would have had a different perspective if you weren’t here now. You have gone through experiences in your life that evoked the desire to dig deeper within yourself. There is something missing, and now you are going to seek fulfillment. This is the start of your journey, so who knows what’s awaiting you! This could be the catalyst that helps drive you to your destiny. We can never know what could have happened, just like we can never know what will happen. We will never know what we should have done. We will never know all that we could have done. We will never know how it might have affected us. And we have to learn how to accept that. All we can do is make the most of our surroundings now. That can lead us on a path towards greater fulfillment.

As an empath, embrace everything in your life, even the negative. You will always be able to find value from things, even if they are seemingly terrible. Always seek out a greater truth and allow yourself the opportunity to explore every facet of your mind. It is only when you give yourself the freedom to do this that you will be able to embrace life to the fullest and discover fulfillment.

OVERTHINKING By William Mind

Introduction If we weren’t able to consciously process thoughts, we could not have accomplished all the economic, technological, political, and social advancements we have today. Thinking provides a lot of advantages in modern society. It would be easy to assume or believe that overthinking would yield even more benefits if we go by that logic. Oh, how wrong we are! Overthinking is a negative habit that has the potential to cause a lot of problems rather than offer effective solutions. Whether you’re overthinking events that happened in the past, situations you’re currently encountering (or about to encounter), people’s opinions, reactions or decisions, overthinking can cloud your judgment and prevent you from taking the realistic approach that you should be. The problem with overthinking is that it invades your mind with doubt and fills it with confusion, negativity, obstacles that don’t exist and deteriorates the happiness in your life bit by bit. Thankfully, there are some active steps you can take to quit your overthinking habit for good. That’s the reason you picked up this book. You know that something needs to be done. You know this habit is holding you back from living your life, and you want to take back control. Overthinking will put you in a state of stagnation, and to overcome it, you need to get to the root of the problem once and for all. That’s where this book comes in handy. You’re going to learn how to recognize unhelpful thoughts, rewire your brain, and build the mental toughness you need to keep these negative thought patterns at bay. Overthinking is the complete and all essential guide you need to improve your self-esteem and minimize the anxiety brought about by these destructive mental habits. You’re going to learn how to redirect your thoughts for the better. If your overthinking tendencies have become a habit, it might take a while to break out of this pattern. The good news? You’re on the right track already. Let’s get to work then, shall we?

There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much useful information as possible; please enjoy!

Chapter 107: What is Overthinking? I don’t know what’s going on. What if this decision is the wrong one? What if I’m making a huge mistake? Why is this happening? Is it me? Am I the one to blame?

The mind is our more precious tool. But what happens when our thoughts start to get out of control? Humans are gifted with a superior thinking capacity that sets us apart from other living beings on this planet. The human brain can create great things like buildings, literature, movies, novels, and thousands of other inventions that have enhanced our way of life throughout history. It is remarkable what we can do when we put our minds to it.

Thinking allows us to excel in school, go to college, plan for the future, get a job. No doubt, our mind is our biggest asset, but what happens when the mind stops being your ally and starts becoming your enemy? What if your mind starts to get out of control and starts eating away at your happiness? What would happen if your mind started producing destructive thoughts that threaten to hold you back in life and ruin the relationships you’ve worked so hard to build?

Overthinking Explained Thinking too much. That is exactly what it means to overthink. When you spend too much time thinking instead of taking action, when you analyze and repeat the same thoughts in your mind but do very little about it, you’re overthinking.

Overthinking happens when you take a relatively simple or small situation and blowing the problem up far bigger than it needs to be. For example, should I wear my new shirt for work today? But what if everyone teases me? What if I’m too overdressed for casual Friday? They’ll think I’m silly or trying to be far too fancy. Maybe it’s not such a good idea to wear my new shirt after all. I should save it for another occasion. But what if that occasion never comes up?

Or how about another, more relatable example of overthinking happening in a relationship. You send a text to your crush whom you’ve recently started dating. You wait eagerly for their reply, but an hour passes. Two hours. Three hours. Still nothing from them. Your mind starts to go into overdrive. Why aren’t they texting me back? Are they busy? Have they lost interest in me? Was it something I said? Maybe they’re annoyed that I’m texting them first. Maybe they want to break up with me. Could they be ghosting me? Is it me? Why does this always happen to me?

The Reason Behind It To be trapped by the thoughts in your mind is torture. Being locked in and unable to escape the negativity is mental torture. The brain is tricky in that way. Telling it not think about something rarely ever works. We naturally want certainty. We want control. We want to know what’s happening. We want concrete answers to the questions we have. When we don’t get what we need to satisfy that urge, the brain goes into overdrive, coming up with scenarios of its own.

Why does overthinking happen? Well, along with the ability to think, humans have another special ability called intuition. Intuition is defined as the ability to immediately understand something without any need for conscious reasoning. Have you ever been told to “go with your gut” when you were stuck on a decision that had to be made? “Gut” in this context refers to your intuition, and it does highlight the fact that your intuitive thoughts are not coming from your conscious mind. Instead, they stem from your subconscious mind. If you’ve ever experienced those moments when it feels like your brain is arguing with itself, this is the reason why.

Your subconscious mind sometimes tries to give you answers to the problems you’re facing. You need to make decisions every day. What makes it scary for a lot of people is how those decisions determine the direction your life is going and what you’re going to experience next. This can be an overwhelming notion for many and why overthinking is such a problem. We’re afraid of regret, and since time continues to move forward instead of backward, it feels like every decision that is going to impact our

life matters. Once a decision has been made, you cannot go back in time and change the moment. You can’t alter the choice you’ve made most of the time, and you must live with the consequences of your decisions. The last thing we want is to make a decision that we come to regret. We don’t want to live with the possibility that we could have experienced something better if only we had made a different decision. See why overthinking is a big problem?

Ask anyone you meet, and they’ll tell you that they don’t want to look back on their life with regret when they’re old one day, wishing they had done certain things differently. To complicate matters more, we never know what the guaranteed outcome is going to be for most of the decisions we make. Overthinking happens because the mind is constantly wrestling with the many possibilities it is faced with. The uncertainty of not knowing which decision is going to be the best decision only makes it harder to figure out the right choices to make.

Ultimately, the root cause of overthinking is fear. The seeds that it sows in your mind will prey upon your thoughts to the point they become out of control. None of us came into this world being afraid. The fear we experience today is what we’ve developed out of trauma or life experiences. Even when the traumatic experience has passed, remnants of that fear remain, and we continue to carry that fear around with us for the rest of our lives. Fear is the poison that latches unto our mind and, if left unchecked, triggers a lot of the overthinking that happens. These destructive thought patterns become an inescapable habit once it starts. The more we overthink, the more fear we invite in. The more fear we invite in, the more unsettled

our thoughts are. It takes considerable effort to break out of this cycle and without the right support and tools to do it, it can feel nearly impossible to do.

Image Source: The Franklin Institute

Types of Overthinking Overthinking comes in many different forms. We’ve all been a victim of overthinking at some point. When you’re taking a test and change your answers several times during the last few minutes. When you want to message an old friend but haven’t done it yet because you’re spending far too much time trying to craft the perfect text message. When you want to go up and introduce yourself to a new group of colleagues on your first day, but you hold back because you’re worried they may not like you, or you wouldn’t make a good first impression. When you can’t decide what to eat despite spending several minutes looking at the food menu while the waitress stands by your table waiting. Those are examples of the many moments in life where we’re guilty of overthinking more than we should have.

Some common examples of thinking patterns that might indicate you’re prone to thinking too much include the following:

Neglecting Intuition - You’re ignoring your instincts. On some level, you already know what the right decision should be, but you continue thinking about it anyway and hesitate to take any real action. If your instincts are telling you to go for it, but you still hesitate anyway, that’s a clear indicator you’re guilty of overthinking.

Complex Thinking - You spend too much time thinking about the many complex factors involved in a decision without weighing in on the importance of each factor. You’re unable to filter and narrow

down these factors because everything feels important the more time you spend thinking about it.

Premature Thinking - Overthinking also takes the form of premature thinking. This happens when you exert unnecessary time and energy thinking about decisions that do not need to be made yet.

Irrelevant Thinking - On the other hand, you could also be guilty of overthinking when you spend too much time and energy, making decisions that are unnecessary.

Avoidance Thinking - Perhaps you subconsciously want to avoid doing something, and you resort to overthinking to convince yourself why you shouldn’t go through with it. You try to avoid making decisions altogether if you can help it. Excuses will be aplenty if you want it to be. You’re trying to avoid making decisions because you know you’re not the best at it, but avoiding decisions altogether is not the healthiest approach to take either.

Problem Creation - A common habit overthinkers tend to indulge in is seeing problems that don’t exist. A solution could be straightforward, but the more time they spend thinking about it, the more problems seem to manifest that might not have been there before.

Overlooking the Bigger Picture - Overthinkers are so focused on the many problems at hand and so consumed by them that they fail to see the bigger picture. In doing so, they fail to make effective decisions when their mind is already biased toward the negative.

Overdoing the Solutions - Presenting a big, bold solution might sound like the right thing to do, but the truth is, overthinking could put you at risk of overdoing it. Instead of a small, simple solution that would have been effective enough, your solution becomes so over the top that you might end up missing the point entirely.

Indecisiveness - If you struggle with making simple decisions, such as what to eat at a restaurant or what to wear to the office today, you’re overthinking it.

Ruminating - Repeating scenarios in your mind over and over again is what overthinkers tend to do. Those who suffer from anxiety tend to do the same thing too. When you spend a lot of time going over the same thing in your mind, you’re ruminating. It could either be about past conversations you’ve had or events that happened to you, or it could be something you need to do in the future. Either way, if you’re thinking about it more than you should, there’s a good chance you’re overthinking it. This happens to be an extremely exhausting habit too that can leave you feeling emotionally and physically drained.

Repetition - Overthinkers have a tendency to repeat themselves. That’s because you’re spending a lot of time going over the same things in your mind, so when you’re talking to family or friends, you’re prone to repeating yourself. If anyone you know has mentioned on more than one occasion, “You’ve told me this before,” that could be a clue that signals you might be thinking too much.

Refusing to Act - Overthinkers sometimes might refuse to act at all until they have all the information they need on hand. Even then, it

might not be enough to convince them to decide in a timely manner. Even when there are occasions when you don’t necessarily need all the information on hand before deciding, overthinkers will find it nearly impossible to act anyway. They will seek out every single detail and ask multiple people the same question repeatedly in an attempt to clarify the details that they need.

Distractedness - Overthinkers rarely ever live in the present because they’re too busy worrying about their problems or pondering multiple scenarios in their minds. They spend so much time caught up in their head; they’re not focused on what is happening around them at that moment. When they carry out their daily tasks, they’re not present. When they’re having a conversation with someone, they’re not present.

The Causes There is always a reason or a cause behind everything that happens. This includes the thoughts you have. Very rarely do thoughts randomly spring to mind for no apparent reason. When you catch yourself overthinking, there is always going to be a reason behind it. Something that sparked that train of thought. It is now up to you to identify what those triggers are. Now, this may be something you’re reluctant or hesitant to do at first, but it needs to be done nonetheless. It is important to identify your causes. Only when you know the root cause of any problem can you then begin to fix it.

You’re not alone. Excessive thoughts are something a lot of people struggle with each day. We’ve all had those moments where the brain seems to go a mile a minute, and it seems impossible to quiet all that noise that it’s making. Telling your brain to slow down and stop is not easy, especially when the brain seems to come up with more problems faster than it can produce the solution. Let’s look at some of the common excessive thinking triggers:

Trigger #1: Social Media Social media usage has skyrocketed within the last decade. We spend more time on platforms like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and SnapChat more than we do on any other online space. What do you do when you find yourself idle or with some free time on your hands? You pick up your phone and start scrolling through your newsfeed. Whether we like to admit it or not, social media is changing why and how we do certain things. It is even changing the way we think and has become one of the many triggers

for the tendency to overthink. Why? Because when we’re on social media, we start comparing.

We compare the life we have to the ones we see on social media. We compare our lives to that of our family and friends who seem to be having it all. Someone just got engaged. Someone’s celebrating an anniversary. Someone else is about to jet off on a holiday you’ve been dying to go on. Someone just got promoted. When you look at all these, it becomes almost impossible not to compare. You look at all the smiling faces and enthusiastic announcements and start to think: Why not me? Why do they seem to have it all? Why can’t I get that lucky? Why does my life have to be this way? It’s no wonder social media usage has been linked to higher levels of depression on loneliness. An entire generation is growing up with lower self-esteem levels than the previous generation. As if that wasn’t worrying enough, they’re growing up with higher levels of anxiety and a penchant for excessive thinking. They don’t want to be obsessed with their thoughts, but they can’t seem to help it.

Amid all that comparison and overthinking, we forget that not everything we see on social media is as it seems. The grass will always seem greener than it is on the other side. As excessive negative thoughts start swimming through our mind, we forget to remember that social media is where people come to share the positive aspects of their lives. Most people don’t share the struggles they go through because they don’t want anyone else to know they’re struggling. Would you share your struggles on social media? Regardless, since social media is a big part of our lives today, it has

unfortunately become one of the biggest contributors to negative excessive thinking, poor self-esteem, self-doubt, and dissatisfaction.

Whenever there is an imbalance between two cognitive-behavioral systems in the human brain, there is a higher rate of problematic use of social networking sites. (Credit: YouTube)

Trigger #2: Relationship Anxiety Excessive thinking is a regular occurrence among those who struggle with anxiety and who also happen to be in relationships. Specifically, romantic relationships. Now, relationship anxiety may not be a common diagnosis under the list of all the other anxiety disorders, but it is common, and the effects can be as devastating as all the other forms of anxiety. Overthinkers and anxiety sufferers struggle when they are in a relationship. They

constantly seek reassurance or approval from their partner, looking for validation that they are still loved. When they don’t get the desired response they were hoping for, their mind starts going into a tailspin, churning out all sorts of possible scenarios about why their partner is not responding the way that they hoped.

There could be several reasons why relationships might become a trigger for your excessive thoughts and anxiety. It could be a bad dating experience you had in the past that left you scarred to this day. Perhaps you struggle with insecurity and low self-esteem. Maybe you’re afraid to open yourself up to your partner and expose the vulnerable side of yourself out of fear of getting hurt. Even the fear of getting hurt could send your thoughts and emotions hurtling out of control. Here’s the interesting bit: People who struggle with relationship anxiety would STILL rather be in a relationship than be alone. Yet, when they become intimately involved with someone, the anxiety rears its ugly head and sabotages the relationship, thanks to all the overthinking and doubt, insecurities, and fears that are present. Without any way of controlling your thoughts or emotions, they can quickly get out of control, and it won’t be long before you end up pushing your partner away.

Your excessive negative thoughts will always be at the back of your mind, whispering ideas that the relationship is either doomed to fail or will eventually fail anyway. For that matter, how do you be sure that you genuinely love the person you’re with? Where’s the guarantee that the relationship is going to last a lifetime? How do we know if our partners love us the same way we love them? Could it be that we love them more

than they love us? Overthinkers need constant validation, guarantees, and the need for control. They crave certainty and the security of knowing exactly how everything is going to turn out. Unfortunately, that’s not possible.

Trigger #3: Living Up to Expectations People pleasers and overthinkers could be the same person. It is possible that you’re both if you worry too much about what other people think. Or if you find it difficult to say no, even though deep down, that’s the answer you want to give. People pleasers rarely put their happiness first before someone else’s. They go out of their way and bend over backward just to try and make others happy. They worry about what others might think, they worry about how they are perceived, and they worry about whether they’re liked. All these worries lead to excessive thinking, which eventually leads to them saying yes when what they should be saying is no.

The fear of not living up to other people’s expectations is a fear that haunts many anxiety-ridden overthinkers. When you spend too much time caring about what other people might do, say or think about you, you’re not spending enough time caring about your happiness. Trying to live up to someone else’s expectations prevents you from being fully present in your life. Why? Because the things you do are not done for you. You’re not making decisions based on what’s going to move you forward in life. You’re not making decisions based on what’s best for you. You’re not investing time in tasks that are going to contribute to your future success.

There’s a big problem when you’re worrying too much about what other people think. Worrying about what others think about you can leave you so consumed by your thoughts that it leaves you in a state of paralysis. You start hesitating when it comes to doing anything for yourself because you’re concerned about what your neighbors might think, what your family thinks, or what your friends might make of it. You’re so worried that it stops you from taking any action at all. Paralysis. It literally stops you from achieving any progress.

Image Source: Scott H. Young

Trigger #4: Worrying About Life in General You worry about work, money, your family, the future, being stuck with an illness, school, your job, and the list could go on. Worrying about life, in general, is a big cause of overthinking, and it’s no surprise either since there seems to be so much to worry about in the first place. We’re worried all the

time despite trying to paste a smile on our faces and present a calm, composed facade to the rest of the world. Overthinking in this category can feel pretty unbearable at times.

Your anxious excessive thoughts are often about specific or particular things, and most of the time, these excessive thoughts roam free in your mind when self-awareness is not present. Without self-awareness, it becomes difficult to see just how little control you have over the contents of your mind if you continue to allow overthinking to be the dominant force. The biggest trigger of anxious and excessive thoughts in this category is the fear of what we cannot control and the fear of what the future holds. Every facet of your life is going to bring with it some form of worry or another, and if you gave in to each of these thoughts, it could spell emotional disaster. Given the sheer amount of things that could go wrong, indulging your overthinking mind is going to skyrocket your anxiety faster than you can keep up.

The human brain hates uncertainty. It doesn’t take kindly to unknown variables and any element that is out of its control. That’s why worrying about life, in general, is a major cause of overthinking. This is why anxiety sufferers and overthinkers find the prospect of the future so alarming. The fear of the unknown happens to be all the fuel their brain needs to start working overtime, churning out one negative thought after another.

The Dangerous Effects of Overthinking Overthinking is a dangerous and unhealthy habit that needs to be broken. It will do nothing for you except to consume your energy and suck the happiness from your life. It puts a halt in your ability to make effective decisions, and you end up wasting a lot of time and energy being stuck in your head instead of taking proactive measures to create the outcomes you want. It’s a habit that will leave you stagnant, sort of like tying a rope around your leg, and at the other end of the rope is a pole. Instead of moving forward, you find yourself running in circles around the pole, going nowhere fast.

Overthinking is the root of several problems, one of which is that it leads to an increased risk of developing mental illness. According to a study conducted in 2013 that was published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, and overthinking can lead to an increased risk of developing mental health problems. Ruminating traps you in a vicious negative cycle that can be extremely difficult to break out of if you don’t have the right support and tools at your disposal. The unhappier you feel, the more your mental health declines, which eventually leads to some of the mental health problems talked about below. Some of these problems include:

It Causes Mental Illness - According to a study conducted in 2013, that was published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, overthinking can lead to an increased risk of developing mental health problems (if you weren’t dealing with these already). Ruminating traps you in a vicious negative cycle that can be extremely difficult to break out of if you don’t have the right support and tools at your disposal. The unhappier you feel, the more your mental health declines, which eventually leads to some of the mental health problems talked about below.

It Causes Anxiety - Your thoughts create emotions. It could be anything from grief, anger, sadness, happiness, joy, jubilation, eagerness, nervousness, and more. These are the sensations produced by thought. Anxious people are known to be overthinkers. They create so many possible scenarios in their minds about all the bad

things that could possibly happen that they find themselves constantly plagued by anxiety. They worry about the future, and that stops them from living freely in the present. Living with so much anxiety each day makes them miserable, exhausted, and in more dire circumstances, it could lead to depression and suicidal thoughts. Yes, it is quite possible to literally think yourself to death.

It Causes Depression - Anxiety comes from worrying about the future, while depression is a consequence of holding on to the past. Your thoughts keep you trapped in the events that have already happened, even though there’s nothing you can do to change it now. However, overthinking is just one of the many possible causes of depression, and it is not solely responsible for this condition alone. Thinking about past events repeatedly wishing you could go back in time or change it will only make you miserable. Because there’s no way to go back in time. Yet, some people continue to allow thoughts of the past to be a heavy burden that they carry with them every waking moment, leading to their feelings of unhappiness so strong it becomes depression. They waste precious time almost every day thinking about the “what if’s” and wondering what would have happened if things had gone differently. “What if” is a question that weighs heavily on their mind and each time they think about it, they only become more miserable. The past cannot be changed, and the best you can do is to take the lessons from experience and use them for the benefit of your future to make better decisions. Like anxiety, depression can eventually lead to suicidal thoughts if your thoughts get the better of you.

It Causes Insomnia - Does your worrying brain keep you awake all night long? Tossing and turning, you try to go to sleep, but the minute you close your eyes, your mind goes right back to whatever it is you were worrying about. Overthinking causes insomnia and even when your body may be tired, your mind remains active enough to keep you

awake because your worried thoughts just won’t leave you alone. Forcing yourself to go to sleep is not going to work either. Falling asleep is a mechanism that your mind cannot control and if your mind is too busy overthinking to shut down properly for the night, you’ll be left to deal with insomnia. Trouble falling asleep is not something to be taken lightly. Sleep is essential for our overall well-being. To function at our best each day, we need to get enough sleep every night. To get the proper sleep, our bodies need each night; the mind needs to be fully relaxed, which you can’t do if your mind is consumed by an unending stream of thoughts.

It Causes Inaction - Overthinking can result in the inability to make decisions. You could be running through a thousand ideas of scenarios in your mind, yet find yourself unable to reach any decision. Why? Because you’re too worried about making the wrong decision. Along with the ideas you’re thinking about, you’re also considering the possible ways every decision could go wrong or backfire. Your brain will always give you a reason not to do something or not to act. The possibility of rejection or failure will always be there with every choice you’re faced with. Whether it’s starting a business, pitching a proposal to a new client, asking someone out on a date. The possibility of rejection is always there, but if you don’t go for it, you’ll never know what might have been. Yet, overthinkers would rather take “no” for an answer than take the risks and go for it. They would rather choose to go with uncertainty and let the opportunity pass them by because they lack the confidence to move forward, too paralyzed by their worried thoughts to act decisively. In short, overthinking leads to a lot of wasted opportunities.

Your thoughts are powerful. They create the experiences that you have, and each time you overthink, you’re sabotaging your happiness and wellbeing. If you’ve tried to forcibly control your thoughts before this, you probably

haven’t had much luck. This is why you’re reading this book. The more you try to forcibly control your mind, the more resistance it seems to give. That’s why overcoming negativity feels like such a struggle. Your mind is resisting because it is biassed toward the negative, and it wants to stay in that zone where it feels comfortable. But when you observe your thoughts rather than try to control them, they’ll automatically start to slow down as they pass in and out of your mind. Overcoming the habit of overthinking is not about forcing control; it is about understanding and acknowledgment. To understand what you’re up against, acknowledge its presence and try to find a workable solution without trying to force control, that’s when you’re one step closer to becoming the master of your mind.

Chapter 108: Signs and Symptoms A mind that won’t seem to shut off can be one of the most difficult and challenging ordeals to live with. Could you imagine never having a break from your relentless negative thoughts? Well, if you’re an overthinker (or suspect you might be), you probably have an inkling about what that feels like already. In your darkest and most negative moments, it can feel like you’re all alone in this world, but it is important to remember that you’re not.

You might ask yourself: Why is overthinking such a bad thing if I’m spending extra time trying to come up with a master plan? At some point, we’ve all experienced those moments where we think: If only I had done what I was supposed to do in the first place. That’s one of the many problems with this bad habit. It leads to the false sense of security and belief that you’re making progress when in reality, you’re spending too much time planning and thinking about the actions that should be taken you end up missing the opportunity to act altogether. Let’s explore this in greater detail.

How to Identify If You’re an Overthinker If given a choice, no one would want to live with a broken record in their head. No one wants to think the same negative thought repeatedly until they feel like they’re possibly going mad. Since the mind is where it all begins, if you don’t have peace in your thoughts, you don’t have peace of mind. How do you tell if your mind is holding back? Well, the first thing to do is to identify if you’re an overthinker. Getting to the root of the problem means having the ability to acknowledge that there is a problem to begin with. Once you accept it, you can begin to fix it, just like what was discussed in Chapter 1.

You might be an overthinker if you relate to any of the signs below that indicate your thoughts are the ones running the show:

Confusion - If you find you’re struggling to maintain a clear head, you’re likely thinking too much, and that’s causing the confusion that you feel. You repeat things that you’ve said multiple times before; you exhibit certain obsessive-compulsive tendencies like regularly repeating steps or routines because you can’t recall if you’ve done them already. You seek reassurance about the same thing several times but still experience a feeling of unsettling uncertainty. Without the ability to regulate your emotions and your thoughts, your mind can quickly get carried away, and when it does, confusion quickly follows.

Consistent Negative Perception - You always see the negative in everything that happens. A mind that is overrun with thoughts constantly struggles to see the silver lining, even if it’s right there in

front of you. Overthinkers tend to immediately jump toward the negative, and the mind latches on to that, refusing to let go.

Self-Doubt - Overthinkers don’t trust their judgment. That’s partly because they struggle with perfectionism that is unrealistic. When they fall short, they feel incompetent and lose confidence in their abilities. Self-doubt can be a crippling burden to bear, and as soon it gets a foothold in your mind, it can be a very tough habit to break out of. We know that we shouldn’t focus on the negative. We know we should believe in ourselves.

Frequent Tiredness - Negative thoughts drain your energy. Combine that with overthinking where your mind may be running a mile a minute; it’s no wonder you still feel exhausted and drained of energy despite getting the rest you need. You feel exhausted, even when you haven’t done much. You become lethargic, slow-moving, and everything begins to feel like it requires a monumental effort to get it done. That’s probably because thinking too much means your mind never fully shuts off, although you’re technically supposed to be resting.

Your Life Is Ruled by Fear - Now that it’s been pinpointed that fear is the underlying cause for a lot of the overthinking that happens, another sign to watch out for that indicates you’re an overthinker is when your life is ruled by fear. You feel trapped and unable to enjoy life anymore. There always seems to be something to be worried about even before you’ve left the house each day. Fear is a normal human emotion. For overthinkers, fear has become a constant part of their life. When your fear has grown so strong, it inhibits you from living your life and pursuing your dreams; you might be an overthinker yourself.

Afraid of Failure - To become good at anything, you need to be comfortable with the idea of failing. But this is something an overthinker cannot do because they’re afraid of failure. When you were a child, you weren’t afraid of learning to walk. It didn’t matter how many times you fell over or what happened with each attempt. You kept trying until finally, you learned to walk. Giving up never crossed your mind at this stage. Clearly, avoiding failure is something we learned to develop later in life. Most of us become afraid of failing and embarrassing ourselves, and for an overthinker, this fear is magnified. As a result, they stagnate in life, and if you find this is happening to you, your thoughts might be more powerful than you realized.

Overanalyzing - Thinking too much can lead to anxiety, but so can overanalyzing. Overthinkers are prone to this sort of behavior since they easily get caught up in their thoughts and try to achieve unrealistic notions of perfection. They try to make everything as perfect as possible before deciding to take any sort of action. Since perfection is not an entirely attainable concept all the time, overthinkers find themselves in the paralysis by analysis state that was discussed in Chapter 1. Overthinkers mistake all that “planning and analyzing” as a way of taking action, but they don’t realize that most of the time, nothing effective is getting done. They plan, plan, and plan, but that’s about as far as they go.

Unrealistic Deadlines - Overthinkers could either be working for a boss that sets unrealistic deadlines, or they set these unrealistic deadlines themselves. Unrealistic deadlines are the cause of a great deal of stress, and when you try to push yourself to do too much too soon, you start feeling overwhelmed and succumb to the power of your negative thoughts. Because of that fear of failure they carry

around with them, overthinkers can sometimes take on more than they can handle out of fear of being perceived negatively. They don’t want to be thought of as incompetent or that they’re not good enough. But demanding too much from yourself if you happen to be an overthinker who sets unrealistic demands is not doing you any favors in terms of helping you break the cycle of stress and unhealthy thinking habits.

You’re Not Present - Overthinking means your thoughts are seldom in sync with the outward events happening around you. That makes it difficult to be fully present in the moment. When you’re supposed to be spending time with family and friends, you’re busy overthinking something that happened at work yesterday or ruminating about a comment that was said to you in passing. When you’re supposed to be in a meeting listening for crucial key points, you’re caught up in your thoughts, wondering if you’re living up to expectations or what your boss thinks of you. Overthinking makes it difficult for us to feel what we’re meant to feel when we should be feeling it. When you’re meant to be feeling happy at your best friend’s birthday celebration, you’re instead feeling anxious over that big presentation you have to give at work in a couple of days. It stops you from living in the present, and you’re in danger of watching a lot of crucial moments just pass you by.

The Relationship Between Overthinking and Anxiety The two terms are often used interchangeably, and since many of the symptoms tend to overlap, it’s understandable to see why. While they share many similar traits, anxiety is a completely different matter altogether. From the symptoms we experience to the way we experience, one of the few common similarities overthinking and anxiety shares are the havoc they wreak on our psychological and emotional health. What are these subtle yet important distinctions between the two? Let’s find out.

Anxiety is identified by the following characteristics:

Originally, anxiety is a survival mechanism present in all of us. Its primary function is to alert us to the presence of danger, and it is not meant to be an emotion that lingers for long. Once the danger has passed, anxiety should dissipate, but that’s not the case if you happen to be dealing with an anxiety disorder. Activates the body’s fight or flight response. With an anxiety disorder, the body remains in an unnatural heightened state of alertness. Everything feels like a cause for alarm, and it triggers a constant flow of cortisol throughout the body. Diagnosed as a psychiatric or mental health disorder that is capable of derailing your daily life because of the persistent fear and worry that seems to follow you everywhere you go. It does not necessarily originate from a logical source, making it difficult to pinpoint what the underlying cause may be. It can be difficult to talk yourself out of an anxious episode. It has a stigma associated with it because it is classified as a mental health issue. It is not uncommon for those struggling with anxiety to be misunderstood, even by those who are closest to them. It can feel like a lonely and isolating burden to bear when you feel disconnected to the people closest to you. Many who struggle with anxiety are often embarrassed to admit what they’re going through out of fear of being rejected. The anxious thoughts manifest differently from one person to the next. Anxiety tends to make you feel like you’re running in a hamster wheel, going round and round in circles with no productive solution or end in sight. The emotions, fear, panic, and distress felt can make it feel impossible to function normally in your routine. Some people experience anxiety to such an extreme level they’re too afraid to leave the house, let

alone do anything else that requires venturing outside their comfortable or “safe” zone. Relentless and persistent worries that won’t seem to go away, no matter how hard the person may try to reason with themselves. The fear felt can sometimes be so great that it leads to a panic attack episode. Insomnia and difficulty are trying to stay calm in a lot of situations. Irritable, frustrated, tired, and feeling like they are always on edge are some of the common emotions felt by those dealing with this disorder. The physical symptoms that are associated with this condition include shortness of breath, difficulty breathing, rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, upset stomach, difficulty concentrating, and muscle aches and pains. A persistent sense of foreboding or dread, like something bad, is going to happen at any time. Some instances of severe anxiety may require medical intervention or treatment to help resolve the situation.

Overthinking, on the other hand, is associated with the following traits:

Originally meant to be used as a method to resolve. When experienced in excess, overthinking disrupts our ability to think rationally and logically. Part of the usual thought process cycle for many people. Situations, events, or thoughts can cause immense stress and a lot of unnecessary worries. However, the concerns tend to be a lot more realistic than those of anxiety.

A source or trigger is almost always immediately identifiable. Since the worrying thought stems from something specific, you may be able to talk yourself out of it and calm your thoughts. Overthinking is mostly a mental experience, unlike anxiety, where the symptoms are severe enough to manifest physically. With overthinking, we tend to be caught up in our thoughts more so than anything else. Less likely to produce a strong cardiovascular response the way anxiety does. In some cases, overthinking could trigger problem-solving and acts as a strong enough motivator that gets you actively thinking about the solutions, so you don’t have to deal with the problem any longer. The emotional distress felt is a lot milder than what you would experience with anxiety. Aside from impeding your ability to focus, overthinking is less likely to cause any real problems to your ability to function in your daily routine. Overthinking is a condition that is a lot more manageable than its anxious counterpart. Since overthinking has the potential to lead to problem-solving, every solution you come up with means your worry diminishes your worries a little bit more. The worries experience here can either be temporary, or they can linger longer than they should. Generally, once a problem has been resolved, the mind should be put at ease and move on to something else to focus on. Less likely to impact our professional and personal lives the way anxiety would. Overthinking does not have the same stigma associated with it the way anxiety does. Worrying and the tendency to overthink is still considered a normal psychological state, unlike anxiety. However, overthinking excessively is not healthy either. It does not require medication to treat the condition.

Almost similar yet subtly different. Anxiety and overthinking are neither healthy nor helpful. The anxious brain is not an easy entity to deal with. It’s hypervigilant and always on alert for anything that might be perceived as dangerous or a threat. The fight or flight response is the body’s primal mechanism for protecting itself against danger. It is what the earliest humans used to help them survive and thrive when the living conditions were a lot more dangerous than what they are today. This response is also referred to as acute stress response, and it shares the same reactions or feelings, such as shaking anxiety and fear that occurs when our body is preparing for a possible emergency. The term fight or flight first started going around sometime in the 1920s as the first part of involuntary general adaptation syndrome.

Our fight-or-flight response is a reaction to stress, and this is a reaction that most likely evolved out of the survival needs from our early ancestors who lived in dangerous times. For example, prehistoric cavemen were in constant danger of animals. One minute they might be lighting a fire, and the next minute, there’s a stampede coming their way, and they need to evacuate as soon as possible. The human body’s natural survival design then kicks in and we have a full surge of energy and strength to quickly respond to the threat by removing ourselves from danger and increasing our chances of survival. Numerous physiological changes have been identified by researchers that happen when the flight-or-fight response takes place. It is believed that these changes are triggered by the sympathetic nervous system that is released through stress hormones into our bodies. When this happens, it causes a quick and instant physical reaction in preparation of the

muscular activity that is required to fight or flee the danger. However, the body is not meant to remain in this state of alertness for long. All that cortisol pumping through your body will eventually take its toll on your mental, physical and emotional health.

The anxious brain is prone to overthinking too, which only seems to make things worse. Besides the racing stream of negative thoughts that seem to flood your mind at every possible opportunity, anxiety triggers overthinking by:

Triggering your fear of having a panic attack in public. Aggravating your worries about anything that can go wrong and will go wrong. Distress over the things we said, didn’t say, should have said, or wished we had said. Worries about how we measure up or whether we’re doing enough to live up to expectations. The fear of being perceived negatively can cause tremendous worry, and our thoughts could easily swing out of control.

When anxiety is thrown into the mix, our brains are churning out an endless stream of worried thoughts that never seem to end. Day and night, and even when we’re trying to go to sleep at night, these thoughts won’t leave us alone. We never seem to have a moment’s rest, and we can’t remember what it was like to feel relaxed anymore. Since these thoughts seem to be relentless and go on for a prolonged period, we eventually run the risk of believing what the mind is trying to tell us. That’s dangerous territory to

venture into. After all, if your thoughts have the power to shape your reality, then everything you allow yourself to believe is going to manifest one way or another. The good news is, neither of these conditions needs to be part of our permanent existence for long.

Overthinking’s Destructive Drawbacks Despite the bad rep that it has, stress is not always a bad thing. When tapped into the right way, stress can be immensely helpful for that extra burst of energy and focus; you need to get things done. When you’re racing to meet the deadline of a project or assignment, for example. Or when you’re playing competitive sports or speaking in public. The adrenalin you feel keeps you focused, alert, and attentive to what is going on. However, when stress is continuous, the kind that a lot of us feel day in and day out, this type of chronic stress begins to change the structure of your brain.

Overthinking leads to chronic stress, and the persistent stress you feel could end up changing the size and structure of your brain. Stress begins with what is called the hypothalamus pituitary adrenal (HPA) axis, which is a series of interactions between the endocrine gland in the brain and the kidney. The kidney is the organ responsible for controlling how your body reacts to the stress it feels. The minute your brain detects a stressful situation, the HPA axis is immediately activated. The cortisol hormone is released into the bloodstream, which then works to prime your body to react instantly to the perceived danger. High levels of cortisol over prolonged periods can cause significant problems for your brain. Chronic stress, for example, increases the level of activity and number of neural connections in an area of the brain called the amygdala, which happens to be where the fear center is located in your brain.

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As the levels of cortisol in your body rise, it sends signals to another area of the brain called the hippocampus. This part of the brain is associated with memories, learning, and stress control. When plagued by too much stress, this area of the brain begins to deteriorate, and when that happens, the activity in your HPA axis is inhibited. Once it weakens, your ability to control stress starts to weaken alongside it, making it easier for negative

thoughts to take control of your mind when you’re overthinking. Cortisol can quite literally cause your brain to shrink, and too much of it will cause the synaptic connections between the neurons to lose their connection. Your prefrontal cortex is also affected by all this. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that regulates certain behaviors like concentration, judgment, decision-making and social interaction. Once this area of the brain begins to shrink too, it results in fewer brain cells being made in the hippocampus region. This means chronic stress is going to make it harder for you to remember and learn things while setting the stage for more major mental health problems like depression or Alzheimer’s disease when you’re older.

The negative effects of stress could even be felt as far as your brain’s DNA. An experiment involving rats showed that the amount of nurturing the newborn rats received from their mother has a role to play in determining how that baby responds to stress later in life. Baby rats with more nurturing mothers were less sensitive to stress because the brain had a chance to develop more cortisol receptors as a result of their mother’s nurturing. The babies with more negligent rat mothers, however, grew to become more sensitive to stress as they matured. These are called Epigenetic Changes, and they affect which genes are expressed without altering the genetic code. In the experiment, the changes could be reversed in the babies if the rat mothers were swapped out. However, there was an interesting result that researchers took note of in the experiment. Epigenetic changes that were caused by a single mother rat were passed down to several other rat generations after her. The results of her actions were inheritable.

Clearly, overthinking has some pretty destructive drawbacks where your brain is concerned. Far more alarming than the fact that you’re dealing with bad thoughts that are making you unhappy. The fact that your brain’s very structure is changing for the worse means something serious needs to be done to tackle the overthinking habit. Still, it’s not all bad news since there are many ways to reverse what cortisol does to your stressed-out brain. It is possible to take control of your stress and overthinking habit before it takes control of you.

Aside from the stress brought on by anxiety, overthinking has some other destructive drawbacks that create even more reasons why we need to ditch this habit as soon as we can. Negative habits are never productive, and overthinking could be holding you back from more than you realize. Among the negative side effects of prolonging this bad habit include the following:

Frequent Headaches - Headaches and migraines are a common symptom among those who struggle with excessive thoughts that also happen to trigger their anxiety. The tension and the pressure brought on by staying in a period of prolonged negativity is like putting a tight rubber band around your head, constricting it. This can cause a lot of pressure and discomfort, and you might feel like your head is about to explode at times when you’re so overwhelmed by your thoughts.

Unrealistic Perfectionism - Overthinkers worry so much about everything that could go wrong, and they overcompensate by trying to control nearly everything around them to the point of perfectionism. While perfectionism may sound like a good thing, it isn’t because it is

simply not possible to be perfect all the time. Since overthinking is rooted in fear and a lack of control (like anxiety is), overthinkers will try to force the situation or outcome when they feel like they have a lack of control. When they fail to gain the control they want, it only makes the negative emotions they’re already feeling seem much worse. Trying to be perfect and trying to give the appearance that you have it all together will only increase your stress levels.

Attempted Multitasking - Again, this is not a good thing. We’ve been conditioned to believe that multitasking means we're efficient, that the ability to juggle multiple things at once means you’re in control and have it all together. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. Multitasking is not a sign of productivity at all, and in doing so, you’re creating even more ways for your brain to be overwhelmed with stress. Overthinkers sometimes seem like the busiest people in the world, always taking on a million things and running from one task to the next. If they look frazzled, stressed and overwhelmed, it’s because they are. Multitasking and being frantically busy is not going to appease your overworked mind. In fact, you could probably make it a lot worse. When you’re not focused enough on a task, doubts start gnawing at the corners of your mind and you begin obsessing about whether you’ve done a good enough job or whether you missed something important.

Procrastination - All that worry and indecisiveness that stems from overthinking could lead to another side effect we might not see coming. Procrastination. Since you find it hard to decide on a course of action to take, you end up putting things off or finding excuses to avoid the things you know you should be doing. On some level, you want to get it done, yet you can’t seem to get yourself to start. Procrastination is linked to anxiety too, and with so much to think about and the worry about the many things that could go wrong, we end up not starting anything at all.

Unfinished Business - On the other end of procrastination lies unfinished business. Maybe you have no problems starting something, but then you struggle to see the task through to the end. Overthinking gets in the way the further you progress, and as you keep going, more and more possible “what if” situations start to come up, and your mind starts to focus on everything that could go wrong. You could be great at starting things, but as soon as you reach a certain point, you abandon the tasks completely. It’s not because you don’t feel like doing it or you don’t want to do it, but it has more to do with being so caught up in your thoughts that the fear of messing up paralyzes you. You want to do it, but you just can’t. If you find that you have a lot of unfinished business, unfinished projects, and unfinished tasks that feel like they’re hanging over your head, it could be a side effect of overthinking.

Social Withdrawal - Overthinkers who worry too much about making the wrong impression or what others think about them could eventually find themselves withdrawing from social situations altogether. This side effect has close links with Social Anxiety Disorder whereby the fear of social situations is enough to make them take a step back. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t want to be part of the social situation. Perhaps they do, but the very thought of being put in a situation where they could potentially embarrass or humiliate themselves is enough to make them avoid it. They end up isolated and spending a lot of time alone with nothing but their negative thoughts as their only companion, which, of course, is not a good thing. Sometimes, overthinkers are not withdrawing socially out of choice, but out of anxiety instead.

Easily Irritable - Being in a stressed-out state all the time will leave anyone feeling on edge, and this happens a lot with overthinkers.

They become easily irritable, snapping at the slightest provocation because they’re already a big bundle of tense nerves, to begin with. If you find yourself easily irritable, angry, or emotional at the drop of a hat, the chances are you’re overwhelmed by your emotions and probably feeling anxious thanks to all the excessive thinking you’ve been engaging in for a while now. Disproportionate or unhelpful emotional reasons are a common sign of overthinking and its equally negative influential partner, anxiety.

Hyper-Vigilance - Being diligent, prepared, and careful is one thing. Being hyper-vigilant is something else altogether. Being overly vigilant, overly nervous, and overly careful to the point you need to check things several times, being over prepared for certain situations for the simplest of tasks is not a very productive habit. Certainly not something you would normally do unless, of course, you’re overthinking it. It’s not possible to plan for every single thing that could or may happen, and trying to do so is only going to create even more unnecessary stress and chronic worry that you don’t need. If you find yourself paralyzed by indecision even in the early stages of the planning, you’re overthinking and it needs to stop.

Struggling with Loneliness - Being alone makes an overthinker’s brain go into overdrive because there’s nothing else distracting them from their harmful thoughts. Overthinkers become uncomfortable and nervous when they find themselves alone, and with nothing to distract them or keep them occupied, they become even more anxious the longer they entertain the thoughts that go on in their minds.

Need for Reassurance - Overthinkers and anxiety sufferers don’t seek out praise and recognition. They seek out reassurance to the point they’re obsessed with it. They constantly seek validation and approval, wondering if what they did was good enough. Did I do this,

okay? Was this good? Did I mess up? Did I say or do something that might have offended someone? Was it okay to do that? Was it okay to say that? Overthinkers are always double-checking and wondering, seeking reassurance that they’re okay. They get stuck in their heads over it, unable to move onto the next task until they get the recognition they need to feel better about themselves.

If you’re experiencing any or many of these signs, there’s no doubt you’re an overthinker.

Chapter 109: Good Habit Formation Who do you want to be? What do you want to do with your life?

Those are the two fundamental questions you need to answer as you start to form the basis of good habits. It’s no secret that humans are creatures of habit. Research shows that about 40-50% of our daily behavior is based on habit. That’s a big percentage. That means nearly half of everything you do each day is a habit. For example, if you wake up at the same time each day, that’s a habit. Brushing your teeth in the morning when you wake up and at the end of the day before going to bed, that’s a habit. Coming home from work each day and spending an hour on the couch unwinding with a snack and your favorite Netflix show, that’s a habit. Spending 10-minutes a day meditating, that’s a habit too. Driving a car, checking our phones several times a day, responding to emails, grabbing a cup of coffee from your regular barista on the way to work, the list of habits could stretch forever.

By definition, habits are automated behaviors that we repeatedly carry out and always within the same context or environment. We’re so used to going through the motions that these habits run in our subconscious mind. This means even though you might not be consciously aware of what you’re doing it anymore, it doesn’t matter because you’ve done it so many times that you don’t have to pay attention to the behavior anymore. There are bad habits, and there are good ones. Overthinking is one example of a bad habit that you’re trying to break out of right now. When our thoughts run on autopilot through the subconscious mind, that’s when we tend to engage in

overthinking. Our minds are wandering, we’re thinking about the past, what’s going to happen a few hours from now, what’s going to happen next week perhaps. You may be going through all the right steps of your habit, but you’re not really “present.”

Let’s go back to the example of driving a car. Have you ever experienced those moments when you’re driving the way you always do, but once you get to your destination and switch your mind back to the present, you can’t really recall how you got there? Driving and following the commands of the GPS have become so habitual you don’t think about what you’re doing at all. The habits we perform are usually triggered by a cue in an environment you’re always in. Brushing your teeth, for example, is a habit that gets triggered the moment you get out of bed in the morning and make your way to the bathroom. At night, it’s triggered by the knowledge that you’re going to bed, and this is what needs to happen before you do. A habit becomes easier to stick to when there’s a reward at the end. When you spend 30minutes a day on the treadmill, you’re motived by the fresh fruit smoothie that’s waiting for you at the end of your workout session. Or when you’re hard at work all day and look forward to coming back home, knowing that you’ll be rewarded by the comfy pajamas you get to put on as you flick through your latest Netflix selection.

It doesn’t matter what the reward waiting at the end of the habit is as long as dopamine is present. When dopamine is released in the brain, you feel good, and that feeling makes you want to stick to that habit. When the brain gets hit with dopamine, it thinks, “I like this, this feels good,” and it wants to keep doing it again. Your mobile phones are the easiest example to

illustrate this point. Every time your phone beeps or lights up with a new notification, you get a small hit of dopamine in the brain. Social media companies have cleverly made their platforms so addictive, so it keeps you coming back for more. It feels good to get those notifications coming in. it feels good to see other people reacting and commenting on the content you’ve shared. Most of us couldn’t last a day without our mobile phones on our side. These devices have become so habitual to spend a day without it would feel as though we were missing a limb. It just wouldn’t feel complete.

In his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg talks about an interesting concept called “The Habit Loop.”

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The cue triggers the routine, the routine triggers the reward, and the reward triggers the cue. Because the brain likes the reward that it gets, it keeps repeating the same behavior when the cue comes up just to feel that burst of pleasure again. That’s essentially what the habit loop is, and we repeat these behaviors many times on several occasions. The question is, how do we effectively break the bad habits and start replacing them with better ones instead?

The human brain is complex. When you repeat a certain behavior for a prolonged period, a set of neurons in your brain start connecting together. In the beginning, this connection is weak since the habit is still new. After several weeks of repeating the same behavior, the connections begin to get thicker and stronger. This is probably around the time when you find you’re not struggling as much as you were, in the beginning, to carry out this new habit. The more you repeat this new behavior, the stronger the connections become. Going back to the example of exercise. Yes, it feels like a massive struggle in the beginning. You’ve probably had to literally drag yourself to the gym or force yourself to go through a workout. It feels hard; it feels unfamiliar; it even feels almost painful to be wrestling against yourself like this. But after several weeks and months of repeatedly exercising three or four times a week, it doesn’t feel so hard anymore. You begin to look forward to going to the gym and getting a good workout in for the day. After several months or a year of doing this, it starts to feel strange, not exercising because you’ve become so used to it.

The brain is an energy consumer. It needs to be fed with the right kind of energy to be efficient. It processes a lot of info each day from the stimuli

we’re exposed to, and to make its function as efficient as possible, the brain needs to choose the most important behaviors that cost the least amount of energy. The thicker the neuron connections in your brain are, the less energy it needs to carry out a behavior. In the exercise example, it starts to feel easier after several months because your brain recognizes this as an important activity to you, given that you made an effort to stick to it and see it through. It doesn’t need to invest quite as much energy as it did in the beginning to ensure this habit sticks. The brain has almost 100 billion neurons, each connected by trillions of connections. It is complex, but despite the complexity, if you repeat a behavior often enough that it becomes a habit, your brain starts recognizing this as important behavior, and you’ll be met with a lot less resistance.

The repeated behaviors you go through daily, no matter what they may be, is training your brain to decide what’s important. It doesn’t matter if the behavior is good or bad for you, or even if it’s necessary, whenever repetition and dopamine are present, the brain will decide that the habit you’re carrying out is important enough to stick around.

Why Good Habits Help Psychologist William James once famously said: Make an ally out of your nervous system instead of making it an enemy. Nearly all good habits will start off difficult in the beginning if you’re not used to it. Regardless of whether it’s good for you or not, your mind and body will probably reject it in the initial stages because it feels unfamiliar. In the beginning, you might think, “I really hate this. I don’t want to do this anymore,” but if you persist, after a while, that becomes “This isn’t so bad. I can do this again today”. The brain cannot differentiate what’s good for you and what’s bad. It is up to us to make that decision, and this means we need to start actively building and reinforcing good habits that cancel out or replace the bad.

With all good habits, take small steps. Make tiny changes in the beginning if you need to. That tiny change will turn into a bigger change. Real change is always going to take time; this includes breaking away from the habit of overthinking. What you need to be is consistent and patient. These two keywords are going to be your secrets to succeeding at this new habit formation. Your habits play a big part in who you are today. You need to cultivate good habits, the ones that lead you one step closer to your goal and one step closer to the person you want to be. Changing your habits could completely change the course of your life.

Greek philosopher Aristotle left us with a few wise words: “We are what we repeatedly do. Therefore, excellence is not an act. It’s a habit.” Chinese philosopher had some wise words about habits too when he said: “Men’s natures are alike. What separates them is their habits.” The people who

live the most fulfilling lives know what matters to them. They know what’s important, and they prioritize that above everything else, including trying to please others and live up to someone else’s expectations. They live happy lives because they’ve crafted their life around what matters to them, thereby ensuring that their priorities are always at the center of everything they do. They have made it their purpose in life to live in a way where they can develop into the best version of themselves. How do we emulate what they do?

By crafting our lives around good habits. A good habit routine is one of the most powerful tools you can access to live a meaningful life. Routines help to bridge the gap between strategy and action, turning your goals into reality. Routines and good habits offer several benefits, including constraining our choices, so the number of choices we see at any given time is limited. Which is great news for what you’re attempting to do right now as you work on trying to get rid of your overthinking habit. Constrained choices help keep you progressing on the right path, leading to the second benefit they offer: Enable action. Good habits and a routine give us the momentum we need to keep moving forward. When you know where you’re heading and what you’re doing, things start to make sense, and that diminishes the likelihood of overthinking based on uncertainty and fear. Good habits and routines give your life meaning and a purpose. It gives you stability, which is something overthinkers are in dire need of to help quiet that noisy mind.

Good habits matter because most people find it difficult to sustain motivation. When good habits are present, you don’t need to rely on

motivation as much when you’re so accustomed to carrying out the behavior anyway. Going back once again to the example of exercising. Those who have made exercising a regular habit no longer need to force themselves to find the motivation and the willpower to get to the gym or do a quick workout from wherever they are. They simply do it. Compare that to someone who is just getting started trying to incorporate regular exercise into their routine. The struggle is very real, and they often find themselves in a battle of wills between forcing themselves to workout and wanting to skip it altogether. Good habits make the difficult parts feel easier, and that’s one of the many reasons why they matter. If you cultivated the good habit of thinking positive and training your mind to focus on the positives, it’s easier to start cutting back on the excessive thoughts that run rampant in your mind.

You can train your mind to do anything, even the things that initially feel impossible. You can train your mind to wake up early. You can train yourself to go on that six-mile hike. You can train your mind to keep the negativity at bay. The initial stages of starting a good habit are the most important. You can’t rely on motivation alone to get you through the tough first few weeks since motivation comes and goes. If a habit is fun, it’s easier to stick to, but if it’s a challenging habit like trying to shift your thinking from negative to positive, that’s significantly harder to do.

Motivating Yourself to Change Your Habits Everyone has some behavior that they would like to change about themselves. In this case, overthinking. Maybe someone you love is struggling with negative thoughts and overthinking, and you’d like to help them overcome it. So what do we need to get us to change our behavior? When you look at health campaigns that come with bold warning labels like Smoking Kills, Motorists Beware!, Don’t Be Ignorant! Drinking Is Not a Joke, what do these campaign taglines have in common? They’re all trying to scare you into changing your behavior. Warning messages are a common theme in policies too. Why do they employ this tactic? It’s because there is a belief that if you “threaten” people enough and play on their fears, they’ll be motivated to act in the way that you want them to. It seems like a logical strategy, but if you're honest with yourself, do you heed the warnings that you see? Probably not. They probably have very little impact on you, and you forget about them as soon as you walk past those campaign posters. If the graphic images on smoke packets are not enough to deter smokers from smoking anyway, that’s saying something about this attempted scare tactic. It’s not effective enough.

Why do warnings have such little impact? Let’s look at this from another perspective. When you induce fear in someone, two things are going to happen. They’re either going to flee, or they’re going to fight (the fight or flight response). Another response that gets triggered in the face of fear is that the person freezes. When we’re confronted with something that we fear, our body and mind can shut down to limit the impact of the negative emotions that are generated. That’s why some people are frozen in fear, rooted on the spot, unable to run or fight. Do we change our habits in the

face of fear? No, we don’t. That’s probably the last thing on our minds at the time. Any negative emotion makes us feel bad so we try to avoid it altogether rather than face it head-on. In the many facets of our lives, there are warning signs that indicate the presence of bad behavior.

People tend to change their beliefs if they know they are moving toward a more desirable option. The human mind is a fickle thing too. We tend to easily take in information that we want to hear and struggle to accept the news that we don’t want to hear. It doesn’t matter what age group you belong to either. Whether you’re in your 20s, 30,s 40s, 50s, 60s and all the way up to as many years as you want to include in there, people will always easily take in the information they want to hear and reject the bad news they don’t want to deal with. Therefore, instead of focusing or emphasizing the warnings about all the bad stuff that could happen in the future, you need to focus on the principles that will drive your mind and your behavior toward positive change. Let’s make a list of what these principles are:

Principle #1: Staying Positive Overthinking and negative thoughts can leave you feeling at your lowest, more often than you should. Positive thinking is not the right way of thinking; it is a useful way of thinking. In this case, it’s going to be used to help you overcome your overthinking. The Glass Half Empty or Half Full scenario is a classic example of what it means to have a positive mindset. You’re not wrong by thinking of the glass as half full, but if you look at the

glass as half empty and that makes you miserable, that’s a negative thought that is working against you.

Positive thinking is about cultivating thoughts that make you feel better and happier about yourself. Going back to the dopamine example and how your brain craves for what makes it feel good. It’s not enough to say I want to be a positive thinker. If you don’t understand why you need to become a positive thinker, it won’t be long before you go ricocheting back to your old ways. But if you have a concrete reason why you need to cultivate this habit, there’s a firm foundation for you to latch on to.

Why do you need to become a positive thinker? Because you deserve to be happy. Why do you need to encourage positive thoughts? Because they remind you that you can do anything you set your mind to. Why does positivity matter? Because it allows you to see the situations you’re faced within a new light. What’s your reason why?

Principle #2: Doing Your Best No matter what you take on in life, if you always make it a point to give it your best, you will always get much better results. That’s a promise you can hold on to. Giving 100% in all that you do will eventually lead to greater things in life, even if you fail several times along the way. When you fall down, the only way you stay down is if you don’t make an effort to stand up again. The ones who go above and beyond are the ones who almost always become successful. Those who work hard, study hard, and train hard will always get more out of their life than those who take it easy, and that’s

the motivation you need to start making “do your best” a habit you carry with you all day and every day.

Do your best, and give it all that you got. That way, if it still doesn’t work out, at least you can take pride in knowing that you tried. Even in failure, you still reap the benefits in the form of life lessons that you can take with you to the next challenge so that when you try again, this time, you get one step further than you did the last time. Overthinking will make you doubt yourself and try to squash you down, but you need to push back against that. When it feels hard to give it your best effort, that’s when you need to push even harder. The pain will always be temporary, but the results will live with you forever.

Principle #3: Learning to Be Aware and Knowing What You Want Decision-making is the force that will shape your destiny. But before you can reach the point of making decisions without overthinking, you need to be aware and know what you want out of life. Every decision you have made has led you to this moment where you are now. If you had made a different decision back, then your life might have turned out completely different.

When you know what you want out of life, making decisions becomes easier. When you’re aware of where you are in life and where you want to be, the right decisions become that much clearer. That sense of purpose and

a goal lifts the cloud of uncertainty that overthinking causes because you can say, “I know what I want, and this is what I need to do.” It’s like driving a car. You rarely ever start driving without a specific destination in mind. In this case, your destination is to overcome your excessive thoughts. Where are you right now? Still struggling to overcome your excessive thoughts. How do you get from where you are now to where you want to be? By forming good habits and using all the strategies, you’ll learn as you progress through the rest of this book.

Principle #4: Ensuring You’re In the Right State of Mind Think about all the most challenging and difficult times in your life. Back then, you probably thought of these as your most “unfortunate” moments. Yet, now, if you traced back the ripple effects that came out of those moments, a lot of these moments turn out to be the best thing that could have happened to you at the time. These moments gave you your greatest strength and growth. So perhaps we shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss challenges as negative moments from now on.

Ensuring you’re in the right state of mind means thinking with clarity, away from the noise and the distractions your overthinking tendencies try to plow you with. Being in the right state of mind and thinking clearly allows you to see that most of the time, emotional reactions are unnecessary. That a lot of your worry could easily be handled if you thought with a clear head. To change your habits, start training your mind to see these challenges as opportunities. See them as a chance to grow, to increase your resilience, to

test what you’re capable of and how far you can go. See every challenge you have as an opportunity, and your entire perspective will shift.

Principle #5: Quitting Perfectionism Novelist and writer Anne Lamott eloquently put it when she said: Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, and it is the enemy of people. Now, perfectionism is not all bad, but if you’re an over thinker, this is one habit you need to rid yourself of because of the constant pressure you face to meet unrealistic standards. Tasks seem a lot more monumental when perfectionism is a factor, and what you get in return is stress and anxiety from overthinking every little detail.

This habit becomes easier to break once you come to terms with the fact that you’re not perfect, and neither is anyone else. This statement might be hard to accept at first, especially when the internet constantly presents us with ideals of perfectionism. People who show off their success on social media are proud to show you the finished product, but they never show you the hours of hard work and failed attempts that went into the process before they reached that point. Success is never possible without mistakes along the way, and that’s a fact you can hold true to as you work on freeing yourself from the pressure to be perfect.

Principle #6: Creating A To-Do List Creating a to-do list reminds you that you’re capable of getting a lot done in a day, which is a problem overthinkers struggle with. They invest a lot of

time in fretting and worrying about how to get things done or what they should get started. Every task feels urgent when there’s no structure to it, and that’s where to-do lists come in handy. When you look at your to-do list and see all the tasks you’ve crossed off for the day, there’s a sense of accomplishment that comes from it. You were probably so busy during the day that you don’t pay attention to how much you’re actually getting done until you look back at your list and say, “Wow! I did all that!”.

A to-do list gives you a sense of direction and gives your day a purpose. When you’ve got a list on hand, you know exactly what must be done. Even better if you allocate time blocks next to the tasks you’ve written on your list. It tells your overthinking brain, “Okay, I need to get this done within an hour,” and that self-imposed deadline pushes you to forget everything else for a while to focus on what needs to get done. Distractions are another common problem faced by overthinkers, and it’s easy to get distracted when you’ve got nothing to guide you. Your to-do list then becomes your daily guiding compass, and once you make it a habit to stick to the lists you create, your confidence increases along with your efficiency. This also happens to be great for cultivating the positive mindset you need because of the sense of accomplishment that goes along with each completed task.

Principle #7: Social Incentives We’re social creatures by nature, and we care about what other people are doing. In some instances, you might want to do the same thing they do, but you want to do it better. The opinions of others are strong enough to make you conform or submit to peer pressure because you want to fit in, and you

want to be accepted. The fear of social rejection sends a shockwave through your brain that is strong enough to kick start its overthinking drive. In overcoming excessive thoughts, this principle could be used to your advantage.

Highlighting what other people are doing can act as a strong social incentive to create new good habits. For example, if you knew that 9 out of 10 people in your office were thinking positive, which group would you want to be in? Naturally, you’ll want to be part of the group of 9. No one wants to feel singled out, and that incentive could be the push you need to start adopting positive thought habits. Who do you know within your immediate social circle that is practicing great habits you admire? Maybe they always see the bright side even though they’ve gone through some of the toughest situations you know. Maybe they’ve always got a smile on their faces even on the hardest days when everything feels like a struggle. Maybe you’re in awe of how they manage to stay so calm under stressful situations that would cause your brain to go into overdrive. Whoever they may be, what they should be is your role model. Create that desire within you to want to be like them.

Principle #8: Instant Gratification Immediate rewards are satisfying. Indulging in your bad habits feels good; that’s why you want to keep doing them. The “reward” or effect that you see from these bad habits is almost instantaneous at times, which makes it the more appealing option. We place more value rewards that we can get

now as opposed to rewards that you might get in the future. The future is so far away, after all, who has the patience to wait that long? The overthinking “here-and-now” version of yourself would rather choose tangible results they can enjoy right away instead of waiting for the uncertainty you’re bound to face in the future if you waited.

You could now use this approach to your advantage when you’re trying to get yourself to adopt more positive mental habits. Creating little rewards to look forward to will make it more likely that you’re going to stick to this new habit of yours. Associating positive thinking with a reward you look forward to will make it less likely you’re going to allow negative thinking to run rampant in your mind any longer.

Principle #9: Monitoring Your Progress You need to be held accountable for your actions. The problem is we don’t do this often enough, that’s why we let a lot of negative habits slide under the radar. This includes the tendency to overthink nearly everything. But if you held yourself responsible for all the times overthinking landed you in trouble, you’d be motivated enough to start tracking your progress. With challenge comes the best kind of change, but you won’t know which areas you’re struggling in unless you identify what they are.

Tracking how well you’re doing might sound like a tedious task, but it is one of the most effective ways to highlight your progress rather than your decline. Tracking your progress also enables you to see which areas hold even more opportunities for better change to take place. After all, if you

want to live the best version of yourself, you need to know how well you’re doing so you understand what areas need to be fixed. Moreover, keeping tabs on your progress gives you one extra benefit that all overthinkers crave. It gives you a sense of control. When you’re in charge of your progress or decline, which way do you want to see yourself swinging?

Chapter 110: The Extraordinary Power of Mindfulness Mindfulness is a way of connecting with your life. It requires that you cultivate your attention in a certain way so that you’re paying attention on purpose in the present in a non-judgmental way. Instead of going through the motions on autopilot like what you normally would, especially in your habits and routine, you’ve become so accustomed to; you’re intentionally paying attention to everything that is happening while you perform certain actions. Through this focus, you feel every emotion, every sensation, and every thought that happens at that moment.

Attention is the element that allows us to navigate our lives in one way or another and to know what is happening while it is happening. When you’re paying attention, you’re not at the mercy of your thoughts or emotions. This means the likelihood of an emotional outburst, for example, is significantly minimized when you begin actively practicing mindfulness and making it a part of who you are. It doesn’t matter what you’re paying attention to; it is the act of paying attention that matters most. Overthinking happens because your thoughts are not within your control, and when you start paying attention, that’s when you notice your mind is all over the place. That’s when you experience that lightbulb moment of “Ah, so this is why I’m overthinking!”. The mind is restless and never sits still. It’s always got several ideas or opinions all jumbled together in that space up there. We spend so much time planning or worrying about the future and an equal amount of time (sometimes more) reminiscing about the past too.

The present moment is the only time that matters. This is the time when we’re alive and living, and the only time where the most learning we experience takes place. This is the moment we express the love we feel, the thoughts we have, the passion we want to share. The present is the only time we can be connected to our mind and our body to make every experience we encounter that much richer. Taste, sight, smell, touch, sound, every sensation is heightened the minute you start paying attention and connecting to it. This is something that can only be achieved through mindfulness. The present is precious, yet it gets completely squeezed out by all the overthinking and worrying that takes place. We’re so preoccupied with the past or the future we completely forget about what’s going on around us. Mindfulness helps you reclaim your life by simply encouraging you to pay attention.

There are several ways to cultivate mindfulness, but mindfulness in itself is not a technique. It is a way of being. It is a way of being embodied, a way of being in equilibrium with the coming and goings of your external environment. We have this capacity for awareness, so why not develop it if it’s going to help put a stop to overthinking? Thinking can be a wonderful thing. It is very powerful, and some of the greatest achievements in humanity have been the result of thought and imagination. Mindfulness and awareness are equally as powerful as thought, and we have the capacity for this too.

We’re capable of doing both, but the trouble is, we’re not taught from a young age to give attention to awareness. Because we get no training in awareness and learning how to pay attention, a lot of the time, we struggle with the thoughts we have. Hence, overthinking. By the time we crawl into bed at the end of a long day, we can’t deal with the thoughts we have in a healthy manner. This explains why overthinking tends to keep you up and night. You’re tossing and turning, unable to process everything that’s going on in your mind because you weren’t equipped with the skills to do so. Instead, these thoughts perseverate repeatedly in our minds. You want to shut them out, but the more you try to do it, the more they seem to flood your mind and before you know it, you wind up with chronic anxiety or depressive rumination which can quickly spiral and lead to depression. The sadness and stress you feel might then trigger even more perseverating and there seems to be no end to the vicious cycle you’re trapped in. What’s wrong with me? Why is my life like this? Why don’t people like me? Why doesn’t he ask me out? Why won’t she look at me? I’m no good; I’m too old, I’m not strong enough, this is too hard. These are examples of what happens when we don’t practice awareness of our thoughts. They start to overpower us and feel stronger than we are.

Yet, these are only thoughts, but the trouble is, most of the time we think of them as the truth. What mindfulness does in a way is to encourage you to embrace the actuality of the mind, body, and soul and the relationship we have with our external world. This gives us a new degree of freedom to navigate the ups and downs of the relationships you have with life, other people, and our fears. We believe that so much of our negative thoughts are true. We wind up in a very narrow tunnel of what we’re capable of.

Image Source: Scientific American article

What Is Mindfulness Meditation You’re familiar with meditation, but what you’re going to learn here is how to overcome your excessive thoughts is mindfulness meditation. This form of meditation encourages us to remain aware and present by focusing on nothing except awareness of your existing surroundings. Meditation is actually an ancient technique that trains the brain to strengthen its powers of concentration. Sort of like a gym workout, except for your brain this time. Some archeologists believe that meditation could be as old as 5,000 years, although scientists only really began studying the brains of those who meditated regularly approximately 60 or so years ago. Still, the fact that this practice has managed to survive for this long means there’s something extraordinarily powerful and effective about it.

What researchers have discovered throughout their studies is that meditation changes the structure of your brain, thereby making it a lot more powerful. Long-term meditators have been known to develop almost superhuman-like abilities. For example, their ability to stay calm even in the most stressful situations that would have non-meditators at their wit’s end. They could also produce more creative and original ideas, not to mention the better memory they had compared to those who didn’t meditate regularly. One experiment revealed how meditating monks were able to dry icy wet sheets in cold temperatures by raising and controlling their body temperature through the power of meditation.

To understand the way meditation affects us, we need to look at the recent discoveries about how the human brain operates. In the last 10 years alone,

what scientists have come to discover is that each time we learn, feel or think something, a new connection appears in the brain. What we repeat the most, like habits, make these connections increase in strength. Simultaneously, the connections that we don’t use grow weaker over time until they finally disappear from the mind altogether. This is why habits are automatic and require very little thought to carry them out. For instance, the way you practice brushing your teeth each day makes the task seem a lot more effortless than trying something new like going for a jog in the morning before work. However, if you were to stop brushing your teeth for a few days, surprisingly, it will begin to feel like it requires slightly more effort to execute than it did before.

Some researchers have gone so far as to suggest that we don’t choose our behavior. Instead, our behavior is programmed by the neural connections in the brain. The brain is like an iceberg, where the tip of the iceberg (the smallest part) represents the conscious mind. Here are all the things we can choose consciously, like eating or solving a complicated math problem. The larger part of the iceberg, the one that is submerged and hidden below the surface, is where the unconscious mind resides. The unconscious mind is the one responsible for most of our behaviors since this also happens to be where our thoughts and feelings reside. The unconscious mind, therefore, causes behavior like reacting to arguments in the same way or reacting emotionally more than once, even when we know it’s the wrong approach to take. This happens because we’re not aware that we’re being controlled by the unconscious part of the brain.

Image Source: Marisa Peer The neural connections in the unconscious part of the mind are strong. This leads to a lot of people to believe that they “cannot change” the way they react or act in certain situations. This automatic response is what we call personality, but in actual fact, they are the unconscious mind, emotions, and habits that we keep repeating because it’s all we know how to do.

Research has found out that mindfulness meditation can improve focus, memory as well as reduce fixation on negative emotions and lessen impulsive, emotional reactions. This can be changed. Everything we know and learn can always be developed through practice. You can train your brain to do what you want it to. To initiate the changes you want to see, you

need to first change your brain by creating new connections and then practicing these connections until they become strong enough to be automatic. The things that you find hard to do now will become easier with practice.

Think about how you struggled to exercise in the beginning. Or even when you were a child learning how to read. Those first few attempts felt like an immense struggle back then, but since you kept practicing and persisting, the behavior became automatic. Now, you can quickly breeze through a sentence with ease, and it doesn’t take much persuasion for you to put on your workout clothes and start working up a sweat. This is where the meditation practice comes in. It helps us change the structure of the brain by creating new connections in several areas of the brain.

Overthinking leads to continuous stress, and continuous stress leads to mental health issues. Depression and anxiety are very clear examples of what can happen to you if you continue to let your thoughts be the one in control. Meditation decreases the size of the amygdala; the brains fear center, and where all our negative thoughts and emotions come from. Meditation also decreases the levels of cortisol, which leads to an enhanced ability to deal with stressful situations a lot better. During meditation, you’ll learn the very crucial skill of learning how to watch your thoughts and emotions without reacting to them, which is required for mindfulness. With frequent meditation, there’s a possibility of significantly changing your behavior and personality.

How to Meditate Meditation is one of the simplest forms of mental training you can do. All that is needed is for you to concentrate on your breathing as you allow your thoughts and feelings to come and go. With continuous practice, your skills of concentration, awareness, and attention significantly increase. It does sound easy (and it will be with practice), but in the beginning, you might find that concentrating on your breath is not as easy as it sounds after all.

Where Should I Meditate? Technically, meditation can be done anywhere you like since it is an exercise for the mind. You could meditate while sitting in a chair or on the floor, even while you’re lying down in bed. However, it is recommended that you avoid meditating in bed where possible since you might fall asleep and find it difficult to concentrate.

Sitting down on the floor with your back and spine straight is considered the optimal and beneficial way to meditate. This position keeps you wide awake and allows you to sit for a prolonged period while you carry out your concentration session.

What Do I Do When I Meditate? What should you do with your body while you meditate? Well, the first thing to do is to be aware of the way your feet are positioned. Many regular and seasoned meditators will advise that your feet should be on top of each

other. This is not always necessary, though, and you don’t have to do it if it doesn’t feel comfortable. Beginners might prefer to have their feet crisscrossed on top of each other, sort of like a pretzel while your arms are resting on your thighs. Your hands should be resting on top of each other and form the shape of a cup. If you want to touch your thumbs together while you do this, it’s perfectly okay. What matters is that your arms feel relaxed as you keep your back straight and your head level.

Your head should not be tilted upwards or downwards. Relax and look forward naturally. As for your eyes, you have the option of meditating with them open or closed, depending on your preference. Most seasoned meditators prefer to do it with their eyes closed for greater concentration, but again do what feels comfortable and what works for you. If you do choose to meditate with your eyes open, avoid focusing on an object in front of you. Instead, try to look into the distance.

Image Source: Kwan Um School of Zen

How Long Do I Need to Meditate? As a beginner, you’ll want to set an alarm before you begin your meditation session. When you first start meditating, time tends to feel a lot slower because your body and mind are trying to get used to this new habit. By setting an alarm, you eliminate the constant need to wonder how much time you have left or how long you’ve been doing it already. Beginners can aim to set about 5-minutes on the clock to start with as you acclimatize yourself to this practice. Once meditation becomes a daily practice and you get used

to sitting in this position, you can gradually increase your time blocks, meditating for as long as you want. The recommended time for meditation is approximately 10 to 20 minutes a day.

What Do I Do While I Meditate? This is the tricky part. There are several forms of meditation that can be carried out. Certain forms of meditation encourage you to focus on your breathing (mindfulness) and loving-kindness, while others may involve chanting a mantra (affirmation). Mindfulness breathing meditation is one of the most commonly taught forms of meditation, and given that you’re trying to overcome your overthinking habit, this is the meditation you want to start with.

Mindfulness meditation is easy to learn, and it is considered just as insightful and powerful as any other form. With this form of meditation, you want to start by making sure that you’re breathing through your nose. Once you’ve established a rhythm, focus all your attention on your breath and observe the way the air flows in and out of your body. Pay attention to the air flowing in and out of your nostrils; observe the way your breath makes the transition from inhale to exhale. Even pay attention to the little pauses that happen between the moment you inhale and exhale. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize. Just stay calm and observe; that’s all you need to do.

You’ll quickly notice that thoughts begin to appear in your mind and will try to distract you from this simple task you’re supposed to be concentrating on. If you notice your mind wandering, don’t worry. Simply pull your

thoughts back toward your breathing and focus on your breath. This is how you start training your mindfulness muscle. Many beginners often find it extremely hard to focus on nothing but the breath, so you’re not alone if you feel this is a struggle. If this happens, don’t be too hard on yourself or too critical, this is perfectly normal. All you need to do is bring your attention right back to your breathing whenever the mind wanders.

How Often Should I Do It? Ideally, you want to aim to make mindfulness meditation a daily habit. The more you do it, the easier it will become to focus on nothing but your breath as your mindfulness muscle grows stronger. Meditating every day gives you the best chance of seeing the benefits quickly. You could do it once a day, twice a day, or even three times a day if you have the time. You can do it as many times a day as you like, but what matters most is that you do it every day.

How Soon Can I Expect to See the Benefits? Well, you need to be doing it every day to see the benefits a lot sooner. The length of time you spend meditating daily will also play a factor in how quickly you start experiencing the benefits. Ultimately, it is difficult to fix an exact time frame since the experience is going to differ from one person to the next. Some people happen to be less mindful in general because of the lifestyle they lead and the way they grew up, so they might need more time before they begin seeing any real change. The best thing you can do is to just keep practicing and don’t compare your journey to someone else’s. It

doesn’t matter how fast or slow the benefits start to happen. What matters is that if you keep at it, they will happen.

Why You Need to Practice Mindfulness Overthinking is a distraction, and that is just one of the many reasons why you need mindfulness to live in the present. As painful as some of the difficult parts of life is, that’s what living is, and we need to embrace it wholeheartedly, both good and bad. Mindfulness teaches us that it is still possible to find happiness even in the darkest times. It’s not always possible to be mindful 100% of the time, but the following reasons will remind you why you need to make an effort to live mindfully every day:

It’s the Only Real Time to Live Properly - We spend more time than we should when we continue living in our heads worrying about the past or the future. We worry about what we cannot change and what we have no control over. Mindfulness is the only tool that is effective enough to get you to break the habit bit by bit. The past only exists in our memory, and the future is yet to come. This means that the only real living that takes place is your present. The here and now.

Your Thoughts Are Less Likely to Sweep You Away - It’s impossible to get carried away when you know exactly what’s going on with your thoughts, emotions, and feelings. Instead of getting swept away by your excessive thoughts this time, mindfulness will turn you into an observer. Think of your thoughts like a flowing river. You cannot forcefully stop the water from flowing. When you enter the river, you will get swept away, so instead, the better thing to do would be to practice sitting by the river, watching it flow by. By becoming an observer, your thoughts and emotions loosen the hold they have over you. You no longer feel powerless, and like you’re drowning. You become calm, composed, and this time you’re the one in control. Like the flowing river, the thoughts won’t stay forever

unless you choose to let them. You’re not trying to fight your thoughts, judge it or forcefully change it. You’re just there to observe.

It Builds Stronger Relationships - Among the more common worrying thoughts that tend to plague the mind of an overthinker is the anxiety they feel about what others think of them. It’s hard to form great connections when you’re not really listening to what is being said to you. Sure, you’re there in front of the speaker, but when you’re preoccupied with your thoughts, you’re not actively listening, and you miss out on important information that could have been used to strengthen your relationship. Mindfulness can change the type of conversations you have with people by encouraging you to pay attention and be open to their needs. To put aside everything else for those few minutes and pay attention to what is being said to you. Once you start actively listening, conversations seem richer and more meaningful. The other person begins to engage more when they notice you’re actively paying attention to them too. It makes them feel like what they have to say matters, and that, in turn, encourages them to be more open and share more of their life with you.

It Makes You Aware You Have Everything You Need to Be Happy - We keep searching for happiness and then getting frustrated when it’s seemingly hard to attain. Through mindfulness, however, you realize you already have everything you need to be happy. You couldn’t see it because you were too distracted by your thoughts. When you start living in the present, the realization begins to dawn on you that there is no real need to hold on to the things that make you unhappy. You don’t need to hold on to grievances about your past or worry about your future. Your eyes begin to open to the fact that perhaps a lot of the problems you have today were created in your mind, and if you break those problems down bit by bit, there might not be anything much to worry about after all. Feeling grateful for the life you have is your biggest defense against negativity. You don’t

need to rely on external or material things to make you happy when you feel good from within.

It Reminds You to Take Care of Yourself - You can’t take care of anyone else if you’re not taking care of yourself first. Self-care can be a tough lesson for overthinkers since they tend to cross their boundaries. Their excessive thinking could lead them to push too hard until they eventually get burned out. Mindfulness makes you more aware of your strengths and your boundaries. You’re less likely to push yourself too far when you’re aware of the way that your mind and your body feel. You begin respecting your body more, and you slowly lose the urge to keep up with society’s fast-paced expectations if it is going to make you unhappy doing it. It’s perfectly okay to do what makes you happy without having to feel guilty about it.

Embracing Mindfulness Once you embrace the art of being mindful, you get to see into the nature of what it is that is causing you worries grief, anger, or any other negative emotion. Embrace mindfulness because it takes those little moments in life as they are happening and reminds you to value them before the moment has passed. Overthinkers know all too well that once a moment has gone, it can never come back again, and if you don’t cherish the moment when it’s happening, what you’ll be left with instead is regret. The simple, everyday moments are the ones that turn out to be your greatest source of joy and comfort. The moments you spend with your loved ones. The memories you build with family and friends. The happiness you feel when you’re doing what you love.

These moments might not seem significant at first glance, but when you look back at all the moments you took for granted that you wish you hadn’t, that’s where we are reminded of the true value of mindfulness. When we lose a loved one, a friendship we cherish, we wish we had valued the moments we had when we had them. Think about something that you’re grateful for each day. Something that makes you smile. When you have a reason to smile, you find fewer reasons to worry.

Overcome Anxiety with Mindfulness Paying attention to your negative thoughts can sound like a scary idea. After all, these are the same thoughts that cause so much fear they make you anxious. The last thing you want to do is to be focused on them. But you need to, and the reason why is mindfulness will help you overcome the anxiety brought on by excessive thoughts. Mindfulness is not a new thing. Like meditation, it’s been around for a while, but only recently it’s becoming more mainstream as more people start to realize its incredible benefits.

How does mindfulness help with anxiety? By slowing down your brain long enough for you to calm down. Instead of having your thoughts running a marathon up in your mind, by shifting your focus to what is happening at the moment, your brain is forced to slow down and take in all the current stimuli around it. A slower mind is a less anxious mind.

Mindfulness in Everyday Life Ask the happiest people out there what’s the secret to their happiness, and they’ll probably tell you it’s no big secret at all. It’s mindfulness. Meditation is one way to ease the worries of your life away, but there are other things you can do to be more mindful every day:

Enjoy Nature - It’s sad that we’ve become so busy chasing careers that we don’t spend enough time outdoors anymore. Mother Nature is incredible and wondrous. There’s nothing quite like being in her presence. Spend time outdoors, feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, notice how a little gust of wind feels as it careers your face. Paying attention to the tiny little details around you, like the color of the trees and the details of the flowers, it reminds you how beautiful life is.

Enjoying A Walk - When was the last time you took a long walk to clear your head? You can go for a walk anywhere, whether it’s in the city or in nature, and while you’re on that walk, tune in to your senses. Be mindful and aware of how each step feels and how incredible it is that you’re able to walk. Not everyone is lucky enough to experience that, and it is an incredible blessing we often take for granted.

While You’re In The Shower - There’s nothing like having a nice hot bath at the end of a long day. Paying attention to the way it feels to have that bath, enjoying those few minutes of alone time can be a great opportunity to slow your thoughts down as you feel the warmth of the water beating down on you. Notice how it feels as you lather the soap all over your skin, the way it smells, and how refreshing it feels to wash away the tiredness of the day.

While You’re Eating - Put away the screens, turn off the TV and take the time instead to enjoy a delicious, nourishing meal. It’s a great exercise in mindfulness. Take the time to appreciate the taste and smell of your food as you chew slowly; bring your awareness to the different flavors and textures. Take your time enjoying your food instead of rushing through it and spend a couple of minutes being grateful as you think about how lucky you are to have food on your plate to fill your belly.

Scanning Your Body During Meditation - Toward the end of your meditation session, strengthen the mindfulness you’ve been practicing by bringing the session to a close with a quick body scan. As your eyes remain closed, start focusing on the physical sensations of your body. Start from the very top of your head and work your way downward, or you could start at your feet and work your way up if that’s your preference. Remember that meditation is about what works for you, so don’t feel pressured about having to follow any hard and fast rules. It’s the experience you get out of it that matters most at the end of the day.

Listening to Music - Listen to music that you love because it makes you feel good. That’s why you love it, right? You listen to music anyway, but this time, really listen and turn it into a mindful experience. Listen to the lyrics, notice the beats, the melodies, the instruments, the tempo. There’s so much you could be observing and paying attention to once you tune in. How do you respond to that music you’re listening to? What’s happening in your body? Your mind? Is your body moving to the rhythm? Music has the added benefit of soothing your noisy mind, especially calming instrumental music that is specifically to help you relax. There are a lot of ways you can experience music mindfully, and just changing the way we

pay attention to the things we normally do anyway can turn it into an entirely new experience altogether. Mindfulness is incredible that way.

Chapter 111: The Best Kept Secrets to Taming Your Thoughts In this final chapter, begin by asking yourself this question: How many of your thoughts have helped you get to where you are today? How many thoughts have hindered your progress?

Your answer will tell you how in control of your thoughts you are. Overthinking makes you realize how little control you have over your mind and why there is a need to change that. A wandering, distracted mind will never give you the kind of life you long for. The kind of life you hope you. The kind of life you deserve. Our mind is overstimulated these days, and it has a lot to do with the lifestyle we lead. Take a good look at your life (and the lives of many others), and you’ll see many factors that have become the reasons for your unsettled mind. With so much going on every day, your mind is not given the space it needs to observe the way it functions. For years you’ve probably lived with a wandering mind, unable to recognize how this negative habit is impacting your life. Until now, that is.

Everything you’ve read in this book so far has culminated in one theme: You are free to choose your thoughts. In doing so, you become the architect of your life. You construct your life the way you want it by your design. Meditation practitioners are already familiar with this concept since it lies at the core of most meditation techniques. You need to embrace this new version of yourself with an open mind if you want to leave the old

overthinking version of yourself behind. All of us, to some degree, are being unwillingly controlled by our thoughts. Whether we’re young, old, a billionaire, a teacher, an entrepreneur, a student, it doesn’t matter. Our thoughts are powerful, and American philosopher and psychologist William James said this: Our thoughts become perception, and then perception becomes reality. The minute you alter your thoughts, you alter your reality, and that’s a very powerful tool each of us possesses. All that’s left to do now is to harness that power and start implementing it on our lives so we can start seeing the positive changes we want.

The reality you live in now is nothing more than a reflection of your thoughts. The only way to influence the world around you to push it in the direction you want it to go is to learn how to influence your mind. To stop your thoughts from controlling you, you need to tame your mind and, thereby, your reality. The human brain is a highly efficient organ that demands energy. Despite being such a powerful organ, the brain is still susceptible to information overload, thereby leading to overthinking and a noisy, cluttered mind that makes it difficult to think with clarity. There’s far too much going on in our environment these days, more than the brain can learn to process. To solve this problem of information overload, evolution came up with a solution for the brain in the form of its attention capacity.

The Wandering Mind Attention and self-awareness have been covered in the previous chapters, but it’s worth mentioning again here because of its importance. The brain needs awareness and attention because it allows us to notice, direct, and select the brain’s computational capabilities and resources. Attention and self-awareness are like the leader of your brain. Wherever your attention goes, the brain will follow shortly. This happens every time without fail. Whatever becomes the object of your attention and awareness, that’s where your brain is going to be. Think of attention as the boss of your brain.

For some people, attention is a matter of life and death. People who work in professions like doctors, firefighters, soldiers. They all depend on attention and awareness of what’s going on to excel at what they do, and quite literally, their lives and the lives of many others depend on their ability to focus the mind. Attention and awareness are very powerful, but they also happen to be very vulnerable. Stress, overthinking, and mind-wandering are factors that diminish the brain’s attentive powers. Imagine if the doctors, surgeons, soldiers or firefighters allowed their minds to wander during a crucial operation. The consequences could be dire in those cases.

Why does the mind wander so much? Because it’s a time traveler. We may not be able to travel backward or forward in time, but the mind can. The mind is the only part of our being that can time travel easily without any major effort required at all. It can travel back to the past to reflect on events that have already happened, and it can also fast forward into the future to plan for the things that have yet to happen. It’s incredible when you think

about it. The mind time travels very frequently; for some people, it does this almost daily, and that’s why many struggle focus. Each time your mind wanders, it increases its risks of getting riled up instead of remaining calm, depending on what you’re thinking about. You want to pay attention, but there are times when the mind happens to time travel without you realizing it unless you consciously draw awareness to it through mindfulness.

When the mind wanders without our awareness, there are consequences. We end up making mistakes. We miss crucial information when we’re not paying attention. We could be reading an important document or book, get all the way to the end of the page and realize we have to do it all over again because we have no idea what the words said or meant since we weren’t paying attention completely. Possibly the worst consequence is the stress that follows. The minute your brain feels overwhelmed, the stress starts to snowball.

Everything that you’ve read up to this point only emphasizes how important it is to tame the wandering mind if you’re going to eliminate the overthinking habit for good. Mindfulness is one effective approach to taming the wandering mind, but if you’re wondering whether there are other taming strategies that can be enforced, the answer is yes. By combining everything that you’ve learned so far together with mindfulness and the additional taming strategies below, you’re guaranteed success in your mission to stop overthinking for good as long as you persist and don’t give up. You need to build a personal commitment to change. Commitment is all about being dedicated to doing something, to take action in order to bring out the desired result. It is the dedication to take action. You need to

be willing to take action because you care about the results. For successful and sustainable change, you need this level of commitment. This is what fuels a person’s desire to take the next step, to keep things on going and to always look for solutions whenever there’s a problem.

Taming Strategy #1: Positive Affirmations Positive affirmations can help shape your life in an incredible way. For the overthinking, anxious, and wandering mind, this is exactly what you need in your life. Your ability to stay positive and maintain positive thoughts will determine the tone of your emotional life. The specific words you use to describe what is happening to you and the words you use to discuss the way you feel about external events will trigger the kind of emotions you feel. Whether these emotions are happy or unhappy is entirely up to you.

When you choose to see things positively and constructively, when you choose to look for the good in every situation and person, you’re strengthening your mind’s natural tendency to gravitate toward a more cheerful disposition. People who are optimistic and positive weren’t born that way. They trained themselves to be the way they are. They’ve gone through tough moments in life too. No one in this world is sheltered from the curveballs and ups and downs that life will toss your way. The reason why they manage to still keep a smile on their face while you struggle even trying to get your thoughts together is that they’ve trained their mind to gravitate toward positivity.

Your overall quality of life is determined by how you feel from one moment to the next. An overthinker’s goal should now be to use positive affirmations as a training tool to keep yourself thinking about what you want out of life instead of focusing on all the things you don’t want that are fuelling your overthinking tendencies. You need to talk positively to yourself all the time. If you can do this with negative talk, then you’re

capable of turning that language around and making it positive too. It’s going to require more effort, but it can be done. You need to keep repeating positive states so many times until your brain is finally convinced, and your fears disappear. This is not going to happen overnight, so you need to keep persisting until change starts to happen, no matter how long that takes.

Affirmations have the power to work because it can program a person’s mind into believing a concept. It helps you visualize and believe in their goals, dreams, and abilities. In other words, you are affirming to yourself and helping yourself make positive changes to your life goals. According to Heinz Kohut, the pioneer of the psychology of the self said that the fear of failure is often directly connected to a childhood fear of being abandoned either emotionally or physically. When we face failure, we tend to overcalculate the risks we are taking and work out the worst possible scenario, which is usually the emotional equivalent of our parents or guardian deserting us. We imagine an entirely dreadful scenario in our minds that we convince ourselves that trying to change isn’t a good thing at all. Thus, it makes us lose out on opportunities for success and then when we actually do fail (because our mind is already convinced we’ll fail anyway) the whole experience of affirmation that we give ourselves is that we are not cut out for success, or it is not in our karma to succeed, and then, we settle.

Your new habit is going to be to start each day on a positive note. Wake up every morning and say, “I love my life, and I love myself as I am. I love that I have a job to go to. I love that I have a way to earn a living to put a roof over my head and food in my belly. I love the challenges that the day brings because it is an opportunity for growth”. There are so many positive

statements we could draw on once we start focusing on it. Once positive affirmations become a habit, your life starts improving. Your productivity rises, your motivation increases, and you start getting better at paying attention to whatever it is you’re doing.

To start putting positive affirmations into practice, there are several steps that need to be done:

Number #1 - Begin by making a list of all your negative qualities. Include any criticism that others have made of you and those that you have been holding onto. Remember that we all have flaws, so avoid being too judgmental or harsh on yourself. By acknowledging your mistakes, you can then move forward and work on your flaws, and you can make a shift in your life. When you write these down, take note to see if you are holding any grudges along the way or holding on to it. Number #2 - Now, start writing out an affirmation on the positive aspect of your self-assessment. Use powerful statement words to beef up this assessment. Instead of saying, “I am worthy’ say ‘I am extremely cherished and remarkable.”

Number #3 - Practice every day reading this affirmation loudly for five minutes at least three times a day in the morning, afternoon, and at night before going to sleep. You can do this while shaving or putting your make up on, or when you are fixing yourself a cup of tea or if you are in the shower. Look in the mirror and look yourself in the eye. Repeat these positive statements. Write these affirmations in your notebook at any time you feel like it. To enhance the impactful power of these positive affirmations, include body movements such as

placing your hand on your heart when you felt uncomfortable writing out negative criticism of yourself.

Number #4 - As you work on reprogramming your mind to alter it from the concept of affirmation to a real and definite personification of the quality that you see, what would help would be to get a friend, partner or family member to repeat For example, if they tell you that you’re cherished and remarkable, and then connect with these statements by reminding yourself this is how someone you care about perceives you. If you are not comfortable with doing this with someone, then look at your reflection in the mirror and reinforce your positive message.

Taming Strategy #2: Listening to Yourself All the criticism and the failure you’ve experienced up to this point has probably taken a toll on your self-esteem and confidence. It’s hard not to doubt yourself when you seem to experience one setback after another. You’ll be criticized and judged by others, and you’ll probably criticize and judge yourself. That’s the way life is, you can’t please everyone. Some people will be happy with you, and some won’t. Negative voices and whisperings will be all around you. They’ll be in your mind, and they’ll be in the voices of the people who tell you that you can’t do something. It’s too risky. You’re not experienced enough. You’ll fail. It can’t be done, and you’d be foolish to try. Negativity will try to shake your belief in yourself. But when you’re being drowned out by all those voices telling you “you can’t” do something, remember this: No one can see the vision that you have.

Other people don’t know your heart. They don’t know what’s on your mind. They don’t know your goals, your ambitions, your hopes, your dreams. They don’t know what’s going on beneath the surface. For example, no one will understand how much it means to you to overcome your excessive thoughts unless they’ve gone through something similar themselves. So why allow your decisions to be based on their opinions? Why hold yourself back from something you want in life because other people told you that it’s impossible to achieve? Their opinions and their judgments are only scrambling the thoughts in your mind, distracting you from the bigger picture. If you’re going to tame your mind, you need to find the courage to trust yourself again so you can block out anything else that’s trying to drown you.

Other people and even your mind will try to nudge you in all sorts of directions, which may lead you away from your goal. But the choice is always yours whether you want to listen to these voices or not. You can choose to follow what they try to dictate, or you can choose the more powerful path: Listen to yourself. Feeling like you have to stand up and do what’s right alone can feel scary. But if you don’t learn to trust in yourself again, you’ll always be at the mercy of other people’s opinions and their agenda, and that is much scarier prospect to be faced with.

Despite all the noise and all the overwhelming thoughts in your mind, there is some part of you that always knows what the right thing to do is. Call it your inner voice or intuition. Your gut instinct has always been there, but you’ve forgotten to listen to it because you’ve been overthinking. Sometimes the right thing to do may be the hardest thing to do, and you’re going to need that courage and faith in yourself if you’re going to pull it off. How do we learn to trust ourselves? By aligning every decision that we make with our core values. When core values lie at the heart of every decision, every goal, and every relationship you encounter, you can trust in the fact that you’re not going to choose anything that is going to result in a disastrous outcome for you. No one will know what you need or what’s best for you more than you will. Therefore, the only voice you should be listening to is yourself.

Train your mind to be comfortable with uncertainty. Things are not always going to work out the way you want it to. There will be things that you will

know and can know, and there are things that you may never know or come across. When it comes to overthinking, people who do this have somehow trained their brains to focus on the unknown instead of the known. They look into uncertainties and try to solve something they do not know. Some questions can be answered, but for overthinkers, they tend to dwell on those that they cannot answer. You need to now train your brain to either seek answers from the source of the questions that you are overthinking or keep telling your brain that it is okay not to know the answer at all. Either way, trust that the decision you make is going to be with your best interest in mind if you listen to what your mind and your heart are telling you.

Taming Strategy #3: Avoid Procrastination Sometimes the urge to put off something unpleasant can be too strong to resist. But putting it off doesn’t mean your mind is going to be at peace about it or you’re going to feel happy about it. In fact, you’re only delaying the inevitable, and when that moment catches up to you again, you feel stressed, overwhelmed, and anxious as you scramble to do what you should have started on long ago. That’s procrastination. You know you’re going to have to do it eventually. You can feel the pressure building as your mind starts getting restless. Yet, you do it anyway, and you’re not the only one either.

Procrastination affects everyone in one way or another. It’s a lot more complex than bad time management or laziness. A few subsets of psychology have a different way of looking at procrastination. Neuropsychologists refer to this as: “ A failure of executive function” or “the way you prioritize and plan ahead.” Social psychologists refer to procrastination as: “A problem that relates to emotional regulation” or “An attempt to avoid negative emotions like stress.” Evolutionary psychologists, on the other hand, believe that procrastination: “Could be partly due to genetics.” Despite the different perspectives on procrastination, the one thing all researchers can agree on is that this is a habit that is not good for anyone.

This is a habit that has been around for a while. In 700BC, Greek poet Hesiod wrote about procrastination when he said: “Do not put off your work until tomorrow or even the day after tomorrow. A sluggish worker will

not fill his barn, nor one who puts off his work. Industry makes work go well. But a man who keeps putting off his work will always be at hand-grips with ruin”. A study conducted in 2014 by the researchers at the University of Colorado, Boulder, it seems that procrastination could be part of our evolutionary makeup. To figure out the genetic link, what researchers resorted to was to study pairs of twins and their work habits. Fraternal twins who only shared certain DNA were compared against identical twins who share all their DNA. Since each set of twins grew up together exposed to the same external environmental factors, their responses were compared to determine if their genetics corresponded to their procrastination habits. A mathematical model was developed by the researchers to calculate whether procrastination was inherited. What they discovered was that half the time, the difference in the twins’ procrastination habits could be attributed to the differences in genetics. What the researchers also found out was that putting things off and reacting impulsively were behaviors that could be inherited together too.

Still, procrastination can’t be blamed entirely on genetics. Self-regulation, the way you manage your goals, your values, beliefs, and perception play a role in your tendency to procrastinate too. Canadian psychology professor Timothy Pychyl says when you procrastinate, you’re giving in to what feels good. In other words, when we’re faced with negativity as overthinkers so often are, procrastination is a way to cash in on that short-term good feeling. It is an attempt to run away from and avoid bad feelings like stress, for example, if the task you’re faced with is unpleasant. Pychyl and other researchers believe that the trouble comes when you tend to use excuses habitually to put off the things you need to do.

It is useful to recognize the typical words we use when we are procrastinating: “Not yet…”, “I don’t feel like it…”, “Wait...”, “You can do it later…”, with the emotions that accompany them. You need to activate an internal "radar" that recognizes when you start entertaining thoughts of procrastination. Observing your thoughts, you will learn to recognize the words you use to procrastinate. While everyone tends to put off things once in a while, doing so chronically will only lead to higher stress levels and a mind that is restless and finds it difficult to focus.

To tame your mind and avoid the temptation to give in to these negative thoughts that tempt you to procrastinate, it helps to break down the things you need to do into smaller, manageable chunks. That way, you train your mind to feel accomplished each time you complete one of these chunks and prepare to move on to the next one. Accomplishments lead to feelings of positivity, and tasks seem less intimidating when they’re smaller and seemingly easier to handle. Keep your mind calm by reminding yourself there’s no need to pile on the pressure to get everything done at once. It’s okay to work in small steps if it helps you focus better. Find a workflow rhythm that works best for you based on your schedule, not someone else’s expectations.

Taming Strategy #4: Get a Hobby Negativity, overthinking, anxiety, and any other mental health issue you may be dealing with can rob you of your happiness. When you lose that happiness, one of the things you lose in the interest in what you used to love to do. You start to neglect the things that once put a smile on your face, the ones that ignited your passion because you’re so consumed by negativity. But when you’re overthinking or dealing with anxiety is precisely the time you need to fall back on your hobbies. Having a hobby gives you comfort. It gives you something to focus your mind on at a time when you need it most. It takes away the focus from the lonely, isolating feeling that often accompanies those who battle with overthinking and anxiety daily.

Hobbies are important because they remind of your drive. They remind you that there are still things you love, even when you feel alone and miserable. When you immerse yourself in the hobby you love, the rest of the world seems to fade away. You’re not thinking about what happened yesterday, last week, last month, last year or even several years ago. You’re not worried about what’s going to happen tomorrow or a week from now. When you throw yourself completely into your hobby, you’re actually more present than you’ve ever been. You forget about everything else that may be going on in your world, and for that moment, it’s just you and the hobby you love.

If you don’t have a hobby that you particularly love, there’s no better time to start one than now. If you can’t quite think of a hobby just yet or need more time to find one, a hobby you can consider to tame your anxious mind

is reading. There’s a quote by C.S. Lewis who said: We read to know that we are not alone. That quote couldn’t be more apt for this moment because those who deal with negativity and anxiety often do feel alone, and like the rest of the world doesn’t understand them. That disconnect from their relationships can take a toll mentally and reading is an escape. A chance to get lost in another world, to lose yourself in someone else’s inspiring stories.

The concept of reading to feel better is called Bibliotherapy, and what makes this form of therapy different is how it uses an individual’s relationship or issues and connects it with the content of the books. It’s interesting to know that you can overcome the challenges you may be facing by reading about how the characters in the book overcame their challenges. It’s a way for overthinkers to take their anxiety, stress, and depression and channel it or relate it to the contents of books. Reading about how the characters or inspiring individuals in those books overcame their toughest adversities is telling your mind if they can do it, why not you? If they could find the strength to keep fighting, why not you?

Overthinking, anxiety, and depression can be like a ball and chain that weighs you down, stopping you from going where you want to go. Reading is a fantastic hobby for taming the mind. It’s something we can all do, and reading is something a lot of people actually enjoy doing already. If you’re one of those people, picking up this hobby is probably going to be one of the easiest strategies in this entire book. It’s remarkable that a simple hobby like reading can bring about such monumental change. This is just one example of what a hobby can do for you. Never give up on what you’re

passionate about because that drive will be the one that takes you out of any obstacle you will ever face in your life.

Taming Strategy #5: Be Lovingly Patient with Yourself It’s going to take time to retrain your mind. Along the way, you’re bound to feel frustrated and defeated when it feels like you’re not progressing fast enough. But it is important that you do your best to be lovingly kind to yourself. Allow yourself time to absorb all the changes you’re trying to carry out. Every time you successfully carry out a strategy, it’s important to pause, slow down, and take a couple of minutes to celebrate what you just did. This reminds your mind that you are progressing, and change is happening. With every strategy you overcome, you’re getting better one step at a time.

When you’re lovingly kind to yourself, you’re less impatient and more compassionate and understanding. Your perception starts to change bit by bit, and you start viewing situations and the way you react to them in a more objective manner. You become more rational, and finally, you’ll reach a point where you experience your emotion without allowing your thoughts to spiral out of control when you do. Self-compassion is what so many of us are lacking today. To survive in this high-pressure digital world, we’ve been forced to become adept at being self-critical when we fail to meet the unrealistic standards set by society. We’ve become so good at telling ourselves off for our failures that we forget to show ourselves compassion. But that self-compassion is what your overanxious mind needs right now more than ever.

To tame your overthinking mind, you need to carve out time to be selfcompassionate. Since depression, negativity, and anxiety are the three enemies of a happy life, there is a need to appreciate the role of what selflove and being kind to yourself can do for you. If you can show compassion, love, and care for the people in your life that mean the most to you, then you certainly can do this for yourself too. The Loving Kindness Meditation is going to be helpful in this context. Also known as the Metta meditation, the goal of this meditation is to cultivate an attitude of kindness and love towards everything around you, even your own enemies and also to the sources of stress. This meditation involves breathing deeply to open your minds to be more loving to their loved ones and to the people in this world. The key to this meditation is to repeat the message as often as possible until you feel an attitude of loving-kindness. This meditation is created to promote the feelings of compassion and love to oneself and the people around them. It can help in anger, resentment, and frustration as well as interpersonal conflict. You can look forward to reducing anxiety, depression as well as PTSD.

Conclusion Thank you for making it through to the end of Overthinking, let’s hope it was informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you need to achieve your goals whatever they may be.

It is important to learn everything you can about yourself and the reasons you’re prone to overthinking. The next time you catch yourself overthinking, ask yourself, “Why?” and think about all the steps you’ve gone through in this book. Remember that most of the time, the root cause of overthinking is fear. The fear of what you can’t control, fear of the unknown, and fear of making the wrong decisions you will come to regret. In time, you can train yourself to learn to view the situations that happen to you as a learning opportunity. Despite what overthinking may be trying to convince you of, it’s not an impossibly hopeless situation if you do make the wrong decision every now and then. It happens, and the only thing we can do with every situation we face is to do our best with the information we have. It’s wonderful when you do make the right decisions, but when you don’t, it’s okay. Take the lessons that come with the experience for the next time you find yourself having to make a similar decision. Once you learn to stop giving significance to the small problems, you’re one step closer to overcoming the overthinking habit. Remember that you’ve got the strongest power on your side, and that’s the power of choice. Nothing is more powerful than what you decide to do, not anxiety, not overthinking, nor negativity. This is going to be your strongest ally as you

journey toward breaking out of the bad habits that have held you back for so long. There are so many people who have already overcome their challenges through the power of choice. That means you can too. Good luck!

CHANGE YOUR BRAIN By William Mind

Introduction The fear of the unknown. That’s one of the biggest fears we all harbor in secret, but very few would like to admit. Being in a transitional phase of life is never easy and that fear can make your brain go haywire. When your thoughts begin to feel like they’re overpowering you, your sense of control begins to slip away which only causes you to feel even more frustrated and miserable at the way things are going. Embarking on a new journey with no guarantee of success is hard, and even harder to do when you don’t have the right mindset to do it.

Our brain has to deal with a constant stream of negative thoughts. What if we fail? What if we make a decision we regret for the rest of our lives? What if we make the wrong choices? What if, despite trying, we still don’t succeed? If we let it, our brains can go into overdrive, magnifying these thoughts to a point where they become almost unbearable. We’re so used to being programmed to worry about what’s going to happen next because of that fear of the unknown. We worry so much we forget to stop and be present because we’re no longer the ones in control anymore. By the time we get to this stage, we’ve surrendered control to our overworked, stressedout brain.

But what would happen if we made one small change? What if we changed our brains to stop it from focusing on the “what ifs” and the “what next?” to focus on the “what now?”. The minute we do that, our entire lives begin to shift. The bad habits we once carried around with us begin to fade away and make room for newer, better transformation. By simply changing our

brains, we could overcome addiction, face our fears, resolve conflict, and most importantly, be present in that moment and remain in control all the way. Every piece of advice and strategy you’re about to unravel throughout the next few chapters are going to change your perspective. It’s going to open your eyes to the fact that you have the power to initiate the change in your life that you want to see. You had that power all along, but what was holding you back from realizing that power was the negativity that was weighing down your brain. By changing your perspective, the fear of the unknown doesn’t seem as powerful as it once did. You may not have the power to control everything that happens to you, but you do have the power to change your brain, change your perspective, and, ultimately, change your life.

There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much useful information as possible; please enjoy!

Chapter 112: Principles to Change Your Brain and Your Life Your brain is the organ of judgment, personality, character, and probably the characteristic that is responsible for how far we’ve come and all the modern-day conveniences we see around us today: Innovation. Innovation is a brain function. It depends on the physical health of your brain. Now, we know that our brain is involved in everything that we do. How we think, how we feel, how we act, how we make decisions, how we get along with others. When your brain works, you work. When your brain is troubled, you are a lot more likely to have trouble in your life too. When your brain is healthy, you’re happier, healthier, wiser; you’re more creative. When the brain is not healthy, that’s when negativity becomes the dominant force in your life. So, we then ask ourselves: Is it possible to change the brain? If so, what can we do?

Is It Possible to Change Your Brain? Absolutely. If science has taught us anything, it is that we’re not hardwired to be a certain way for the rest of our lives, and we’re not doomed by genetics. Humans are capable of some of the most incredible changes. We can literally do anything that we set our minds too, even the things that seem impossible. Our minds are our most powerful tool. It can either drive us to great heights or hold us back from ever living our dreams. Like every other muscle in the body, the mind needs to be exercised. Mental preparation is the key to boosting your motivation levels. Some of the most successful people in the world start their day every morning by mentally preparing themselves for the day ahead. They meditate, use positive affirmations, recite their goals to themselves, or even listen to motivational podcasts on their phones or tablets.

Negativity is a survival mechanism. It is the way the human mind uses it to identify what might be wrong in certain situations so we can protect ourselves from danger. For example, when we see a dangerous animal in

the wild. Our brain understands that this is a negative situation where we could potentially end up getting hurt, and the survival mechanism warns us not to get involved, so we don’t risk getting hurt. Negativity used as a survival mechanism is alright but allowing this mechanism to become the primary way to live is not alright. We were not meant to live in a constant state of negativity, or use it to develop connections and relationships with others. Negativity shouldn’t be allowed to grow strong enough that it starts to control and take over. When you live a life where focusing on weaknesses instead of strengths becomes your default mode, you’re a pessimist who will always struggle to find happiness and fulfillment in life.

Adopting new behavioral patterns and thoughts as well as recruit neutral networks that encourage new connections as well as communication pathways that can change the brain’s thinking prowess over time. Repeated behavior allows the neurons of the brain to branch out and ease the information flow. When you complain repeatedly, for example, it makes it

easier for the brain to keep doing the same thing next time. Repetitive complaining soon becomes habitual, and it rewires your brain, so complaining becomes even easier as you continuously indulge in this habit. In doing so, you’re strengthening your brain’s negative bias, making it easier to see everything that is wrong with the world around you, regardless of how many good things may be happening too.

In short, changing the brain is possible, but it needs to be trained to think positively if you’re going to override all the negativity your brain has been accustomed to all this time.

How to Change Our Mindset and Ourselves Your mind is your most powerful weapon of change to achieve success in everything that you do in life. If you want your life to change, to think better, do better, and achieve more, then you need to begin taking ownership of your thoughts and change the way you think. Nothing is going to change unless you make the choice to do it. To be accountable and take ownership of your mind and your thoughts. To be a problem solver instead of a downer and changing your mindset is what you need for change is going to get you there. Reframing your point of view is essentially changing your mindset. A mind over matter exercise. If you put your mind to it, you can do it.

When you change your mindset, the rest of your life will follow. You’ll become an entirely new person, someone who can “step outside yourself” and observe your actions like you would if you were a third-party observer. Imagine that you were on the outside looking in, looking at the kind of person you are and the way you handle things right now. Do you like what you see? From an outsider’s perspective, how would you say things could be handled better? Taking time to reflect upon yourself will bring you to a greater level of self-awareness. Only when you are able to accept and embrace what is happening and not live in denial can true change start to happen.

How do we start changing our mindsets and ourselves in the process? By not making excuses. Excuses do nothing for you except to distract and deter from focusing on what’s important. They don’t do you any good, and it is

time that you dropped them. Using excuses to rationalize your decisions and reactions, to explain away behavior which you know deep down is not acceptable is not the mark of someone who is in control of their brain. Excuses will always keep you in your comfort zone and stop you from achieving success. Excuses will prevent you from ever learning how to regulate your emotions and develop empathy. Excuses, in short, are neither positive nor productive.

How to Illuminate Your Mind The power of choice is something that resonates the most with our souls. The power of decision-making is one of the greatest gifts you hold. You’re not the product of your genes, your family background, or your education. You are the result of your decisions. Dwight D. Eisenhower once said: “The history of free men is never written by chance, but by choice. Their choice.” Life is about making decisions, and your success is the result of several decisions you’ve had to make to get to where you are.

Making decisions is not easy. Brain researcher Ernst Pöppel says that each day, we make about 20,000 decisions. Most of these decisions are done at lightning speed and unconsciously. Some decisions we adjourn to a later time (sometimes this is called procrastination). Now, your brain is a toolbox, but the problem is, most people don’t really know how to use this toolbox.

Your choices change your brain. When it comes to making

decisions, whether its personal, professional or for business, the brain accesses parts of itself that we have no conscious access to. This is called the cognitive unconscious. This part of the brain contains the circuitry that stores data and the decisions we’ve made throughout our entire lives.

Your Choices Change Your Brain We need to take responsibility for our brains. Some people are terrified of making decisions because they don’t want to make the wrong one. However, make no mistake that not making a decision is still making a decision. When you don’t make the decision, you’re allowing someone else to do it for you. Today, we've got a lot of choices. You might even say we’ve got too many options. In the consumerist society, a simple trip to the grocery store could see you standing in line at the cashier with more items than you originally intended to buy. At least one or two products that weren’t on your initial shopping list, to begin with. It happens to everyone, and this phenomenon is called irrational buying decisions. This happens when the brain experiences a stimulus overflow and far too many options. It paralyzes the brain, and you struggle with the decision-making process.

Each time you make a decision, why do you choose that particular decision? That’s we key question we don’t always stop to ask. One study observed what happened in the human brain when people had to make decisions and compared those findings to animals who had to make similar types of decisions. One of the most fascinating takeaway from this research was how people and animals tend to make very similar choices when they find themselves in similar contexts. Moreover, the study found that the brain was the one responsible for making these decisions for them using a similar set of mechanisms. This means we can infer that the choices we make, even in a complex situation, are driven by forces that have learned long ago to solve the kinds of problems animals needed to solve like finding food, finding a mate, making friends and allies to work together with.

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Love, Depression, Anxiety, Fear and the Brain For phenomena like depression, anxiety, and fear (which are three mental health conditions with close ties to each other), two key areas of the brain need to be looked at. The front part of the brain and the second part of the brain called the limbic system, which is where the fight or flight response resides. The front part of the brain is responsible for:

Motivation Drive Attention Concentration Pleasure Mental fatigue

These functions are different from the ones affected by the limbic system. The limbic system contains an important part of the brain called the amygdala, which is the “threat” area of the brain. When involved, it triggers emotional responses like fear and aggression. It is responsible for controlling certain behaviors that are essential to not only humans but all mammals on this planet. We need our limbic system for self-preservation purposes, among other things like sourcing food. What’s interesting about the limbic system of the human brain is that certain structures can be found in the brain structure of certain evolutionary animals too. In alligators, for example, the limbic system is there to play an important role in helping it

defend its territory, eat and hunt for prey. In the human brain, the limbic system is involved in our emotional and motivational behaviors.

Emotions like depression, anxiety, and fear are complicated and could be due to several factors. Chemical imbalances in the brain, traumatic life events, genetics, or medical factors. Brain imaging studies show that depression and anxiety are connected to changes in several parts of the brain, particularly in three core areas:

Amygdala (where emotional regulation takes place) Hippocampus (processes memory and regulates stress hormone) Thalamus (links sensory information to good and bad feelings)

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For some people, depression, anxiety, and fear are emotions they can overcome on their own. In some cases, they go back to feeling normal once the triggering event has passed. But some people struggle for years and are unable to overcome these conditions without proper treatment or medication. One major contributor to why we become consumed with our fears is because we’re terrified of the “worst-case” scenario happening to us. We think about all the bad things that could possibly go wrong, and these scenarios get so built up in our heads the worry starts to grow bigger and bigger. As it does, our emotions slowly start spiraling out of control, fueling our worries even more.

As for love, well, people all over the world fall in love. They would do anything for love. They go to the ends of the earth for true love. They write poems, stories, and make movies about love and finding love. They long for love. The fight for love. They even kill in the name of love. That’s how powerful this emotion is. There is no society in this world that exists without love. Love it’s a primal emotion that connects us all. Whether its platonic, romantic, or familial, love is not always perfect. When love it’s great, it’s wonderful. But, as we all know, love is not always a happy emotion. So, what happens to the brain when we experience love? Why, despite being sometimes a painful emotion, do we still long for it so badly?

Love is something we feel in our hearts, but science shows that love actually begins in the brain. When we experience love, our brain is hijacked by a concoction of hormones, including serotonin, dopamine, and vasopressin, that induce a sense of euphoria. Dopamine, the hormone that makes you feel good, is also responsible for storing long-term memory. But when love goes wrong, it can trigger anxiety and depression for the broken heart. Falling in love and investing all your emotions in another person can be a scary prospect for anyone. But for someone who is already dealing with anxiety, it can be downright frightening. No matter how old we may be or at what stage of life we are at, giving your heart to someone is a frightening prospect because you are opening yourself to the possibility of being hurt. For someone who is living with anxiety, that fear is magnified tenfold.

There’s a lot of things that could impact our perception of love. If that perception is negative, it’s likely as a result of failed relationships you experienced before, maybe something traumatic happened while you were in a relationship. Even seeing your loved ones and friends go through a negative love experience can cause your perception to sway toward the negative. When you’re dealing with anxiety, that fear of having the relationship fail can haunt your every waking moment. It isn’t easy living a life in which you are constantly worried and afraid that something bad is going to happen. When it involves someone that you care about, it can be almost unbearable because the very thought of losing the one that you love is too painful to bear. Sometimes, after the breakdown of a relationship, anxiety can make it difficult for you to move on and deal with it. This only further emphasizes the need to change your brain, change your mindset, and develop a positive outlook.

You Cannot Change What You Do Not Measure Before you undertake the journey to change your brain and change your mindset and your life, there’s something else you need to do, too: Be accountable. You’ll hear this term thrown around a lot in the workplace a lot, yet very few people understand what it truly means. Accountability is often associated with our professional life, but it needs to spill over into your personal life now too, especially when you’re trying to initiate a change for the better. Why? Because you cannot change what you do not measure. If there’s no measurement or some type of gauge as to how well you’re doing and what kind of progress you’ve made, how will you know what needs to be changed? Or what areas need to be improved on?

If you think about it, all of us change all the time. It’s not just people that change too. Everything in the world goes through change. It is the very nature of existence. Some people undergo more positive change than others because they are accountable. An example of what happens when you’re not accountable for your life and your actions is when you notice that your life is changing for the worst. It’s filled with more negativity, unhappiness, despair, depression, anxiety, more bad episodes than you’d like to go through, relationships that get lost along the way. When it feels like your life has spiraled out of control, that’s because you’re not accountable for what’s going on. When you’re not accountable, you’re not in control. If you don’t start doing something to change your life, what is going to become of it?

Being accountable and taking responsibility for the changes that happen in your life is one of the first few steps needed to push for the positive change you need to so. It’s not difficult to begin either. When you start your day, start by picking one virtue that you want to work on for the day and go with that. For example, today, you’re going to work on forgiveness. Or you could choose to work on happiness, mindfulness, patience, gratitude; the list goes on. You would then go about your day as you ordinarily would, and at the end of the day and reflect on how your day went. Hold yourself accountable for the actions that happened. Did your intention to work on forgiveness go as well as you hoped? If not, why not? What can you do tomorrow that would make it better? What can you do to improve? If it helps, enlist the help of someone you trust to hold you accountable for your actions of the day. Tell them in the morning what virtue you intend to focus on, and have them check in with you to see how well you’re doing. Let’s say a colleague annoyed you at work today and you’re still mad at him for it. Your friend, partner, or family member could then point out, “But you said you were going to practice forgiveness today? Why aren’t you forgiving your colleague?”. They’ll be there to remind of the moments when you need to be accountable but you’re not doing it.

The thing about change is, you don’t see it happening. When you start exercising for the first time, it doesn’t seem like you’re getting fitter or stronger from one day to the next. When you’re saving money and set a target amount you would like to see in your bank account, you don’t see that happening in a week, a month, or a year. That’s one of the reasons why change is so hard. We don’t see it happening, so it doesn’t feel like anything is changing. That’s even more reason why you need to be accountable. It’s about being responsible for your choices and your decisions instead of

letting your brain and your emotions decide for you. If you measure every single thing you do each day to change toward your goal, and when you look back on that progress 3 months from now or 6 months from now, that’s when you see how far you’ve come. So, start by picking one habit each time that you want to work on overcoming. One habit that you want to change for the better. Or you could pick one good habit that you want to start. Go with one first and let your brain focus on just one thing at a time to minimize distraction.

How Positive Thinking Will Change Your Life What do you think the happiest and most successful people think about all day long? The answer is simple: Most of the time, healthy and happy people think about what they want and what they can do to get it. They don’t think about this all the time because there are other responsibilities to attend to, but most of the time, these are the dominant thoughts that will occupy their mind. What they want. How to get it. They do this because they understand the power of positive thinking and how important it is to develop that positive mindset.

Your positive attitude and thinking are the two most important qualities you can have if you want to change your life. When you keep thinking and talking about all the things you want and how to get it, you feel like you’re in control of your life. Subsequently, you feel happier because your brain is releasing endorphins each time you think about the things you want. The word “thinking” can mean an extensive number of things. The way that we think shapes the world around us. A person who thinks positively tends to attract opportunities and success because of their optimistic outlook and ability to see the silver lining where others would be tempted to give up. A person who thinks negatively tends to experience a higher degree of failure. The way we think influences our outlook on life and to bring about great change for the better requires a shift in the way that we think from this point onwards.

When something happens bad or unexpected happens to you, there are two ways you can handle the situation. You can choose to put a positive spin on

what might be a very difficult situation, or you could be defeated by it, complain, and end up making yourself and everyone else around you miserable in the process. Choosing positivity is not something you do as a one-off. It is something that you need to practice every single day. There’s a quote by Wayne Dyer, who says: “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.”

Here’s an example of a scenario. Think about a time when the water went off in your house. You had no water to boil, take a shower with, wash your clothes or do any of the stuff you normally would. You know the water is going to come back on at some point, and there will be plenty of it. But for those couple of hours, you’re inconvenienced. Some people might look at this negatively and complain about how difficult it is and how their routine has been disrupted. They could be so bothered by it that it spoils their mood for an entire day. Then there are others, who might think that’s okay, it’s a minor setback and the water is going to come back on later. Now, we’re so used to having running water in our homes every day that we don’t stop to realize how fortunate we are. There are so many in less fortunate countries who have to survive on less. In Africa, some people have to survive on less than 5 liters of water per day for everything, and that includes drinking, cooking, cleaning, washing their clothes, taking a bath. What most of us use in one shower session is what others rely on for an entire day to survive. If you think about it from that perspective, we are incredibly fortunate, so a couple of hours without water is nothing to complain about when we know there are people out there who don’t even know where their next source of fresh water supply is coming from. That’s what a change in perspective can do. Your thinking sets the stage for your life. When you change your outlook, you change your entire life. That’s how powerful a tool the mind

can be. When your mind focuses on nothing but misery and the problems that you’re plagued with, your life and outlook are going to mirror that train of thought. If you were to focus on the positives, however, and focus on the solutions instead of the problem, you become the type of person who can still smile in the face of adversity.

How Can I Train My Brain to Be Positive? When you change your perception from positive to negative, you don’t just change yourself. You could possibly change the people around you too. Becoming more resilient against negativity is like a snowball effect because once you are more resilient, you find that you feel less tense, your blood pressure is lowered because your levels of stress have decreased, your body feels a lot more relaxed and aches less, and you don’t fall ill as often anymore because you feel good about yourself. That’s the power of positivity already at work

Saying Thank You: Make saying “Thank you” the first activity of the day as soon as you open your eyes in the morning. You’re alive, and you’ve got a whole day ahead of you to make something good out of it. Being alive is a blessing that we take for granted the most and the simple act of saying thank you each morning will train your brain to appreciate your life that much more. The act of saying thank you gives value to your life and it changes your perception.

Using Humor: One component that makes positivity easier if you learn to use humor. Learn to laugh at yourself and laugh with others. Even the most miserable situations can be helped with a little humor. It is the medicine that keeps despair at bay. You’re not denying the misery you feel, but simply cultivating a different relationship with it. Instead of letting that unhappy moment define you, you’re making the choice to put a positive spin on it and use that humor to develop inner strength. Laughter, real genuine laughter, is one of the best remedies you could feed your body because laughter releases dopamine, a chemical that invokes feelings of pleasure and happiness in our bodies. When you are laughing, it is impossible to feel any kind of

stress or tension during the process, and it is impossible to feel negative when you’re having a good, honest laugh.

Keeping a Gratitude Journal - Writing down a list of all that you’re grateful for can be a helpful exercise in training your brain to be more positive. Practicing gratitude is easy and something that you can do every single day. A good way to start is by keeping a gratitude journal, and you can start with something simple by writing down every day one or more things that happened to you today that you are very grateful for. With so much happening around you each day, it’s easy to overlook the good things you encountered during the day. Aim to write down one thing you’re grateful for at the very least, and five if you can manage it. Writing it down helps you to actively remember that you do have reasons to be grateful for, and each time you feel negativity threatening to take over, open your journal and read the list of all the things you have to be grateful for.

Smile: Another facet of positivity is to smile. Get up in the morning and smile at yourself in the mirror. Smile as you head out the door and off to work. Smile at the people you meet along the way. Smile because it’s a powerful thing. Mother Theresa once said: “Peace begins with a smile.” She also said: “We shall never know all the good a simple smile can do.”

Positive Affirmations: Positive affirmations were underestimated for a long time, that is until research suggested that they are powerful tools that could significantly decrease stress and enhance problemsolving abilities. It’s easier to do this when we learn to pay attention and be grateful for the small things. We’re all guilty of only focusing on big acts of gratitude and forget about the little things we have to be thankful for. For example, getting a cup of coffee at work when you’re on your break or when you have your lunch at the local cafe.

You see this as part of your daily routine, but think about how many people around the world are either starving or not as fortunate as you are to enjoy a nice, warm cup of coffee and a warm meal to fill their bellies.

Embrace Diversity: No matter who they are or where they come from, everyone is important. Regardless of the country of origin, race, religion, age, sexual preference, gender, everyone matters. Defining people by what they are rather than who they are is how you form judgments and negative biases toward each other. Instead, if we took the time to know people that are different from our usual experiences and respect them for their unique individuality, that cultivates an open mind and, with it, a more positive attitude. At the end of the day, we all want the same things. We want love, happiness, safety, security, being with family, raising children well. As humans, we agree on these same basic principles. It’s okay that we all have different opinions. What is not okay is when we insist that others should go along with what we think is best. We need to be open to the opinions of others, to see what it is that makes them passionate or excited. You may not agree or prefer their opinions, but you learn to appreciate the fact that they do. In doing so, we can learn a lot from people who are so different from us and it is these experiences that all come together to help shape a positive perception of the world.

It’s not always possible to be positive because life is not perfect. There will be moments in your life that are downright negative. In your darkest days, it might require a lot more work to find your way back to the positive place again. You’ll need to be willing to do what it takes to get back to that. This world is an amazing place, and if you’re reading this, you’ve got a lot in your life to be grateful for. You simply need to find your way back to that

happy place, and that’s what you’ll learn to do throughout the course of the next few chapters.

Chapter 113: Improving the Brain Changing your mindset is entirely up to you. It is not only possible, but it’s also necessary to revolutionize your life and witness visible change happening at last. Your progress begins now. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, not a year from now. But right now.

Right now, it’s probably hard to imagine any kind of positive change happening in your life if you’ve been struggling with negativity for a while. It’s going to take a lot of inner strength to pick yourself up and try to put your life back together. Change never comes easy, and trying to change something as strong and powerful as a brain that has been trapped in old habits is even harder. But that’s exactly why you should do it. Learning to change your brain is going to one of the best decisions you decide to make today. By learning to conquer your mind, you can change your life because that goal that you’ve given yourself is the laser-sharp focus that you need. Having that goal to focus on puts things in perspective and eliminates distractions once you realize that they serve no purpose.

Can the Brain Rewire Itself? How Do We Improve Our Brains? Neuroplasticity is an idea that is widely accepted today, and scientists have proven many times over that our brains are dynamic and adaptable. The human brain is so powerful that can alter its structure, even in those who experienced severe neurological afflictions. It is absolutely incredible to think that those who were dealing with recovery from mental illness, stroke, and cerebral palsy could train other areas of their brain through consistent and repetitive physical and mental activities.

Norman Doidge M.D., author of The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science, adamantly stated that the brain is more than capable of rewiring itself and forming new neural pathways of needed. However, you need to be the one that initiates this change. It requires repetition and consistent effort over a prolonged period to reinforce this. By repeatedly engaging in positive activities and thinking positive thoughts, you can rewire the way your brain thinks and start strengthening the areas of the brain that stimulate positive emotions. Think of it the way you would with exercise. To see any kind of physical change in your body, you need to keep going at it for a sustained period. Change doesn’t happen overnight. Your brain is a muscle that you’re not about to exercise and if you keep going, it is only going to get stronger with time.

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Learning Changes the Brain Every time you engage in a new behavior or activity, your brain generates new neural pathways and form new connections with other neurons. Imagine your brain is like a highway, and the neurons are the many alternative routes you can take to arrive at your destination. This means that if one neural pathway is blocked, it’s not the end of the road. There’s always another avenue. Your brain takes in all the positive new experiences it encounters, and as you work on strengthening the neural pathways, the synapses start to grow close together. Whenever a new electrical signal activates the synapses, it bridges the gap between them, and they grow even closer together. The closer your synapses are, the faster the information transmits. Therefore, as the brain’s positive thought synapses start to grow closer, positive thoughts begin to win in the face against negative thoughts because they travel much faster. So yes, it is absolutely possible to rewire the brain and improve it the way we want, but it requires action on our part to get it done. Change is not going to happen by itself unless we do something about it.

6 Ways to Shift Your Mindset and Embrace Change The working relationship you have between you and your mind is the most important relationship you could have. When you collaborate and work together with your mind instead of against it, when you tell it what you want, you get the results you want. If you can make this relationship work, there’s no limit to the things you can achieve. If you change your brain is this simple way by shifting your mindset, you can easily achieve success at every level across the board. No question about it.

To shift your mindset, you need to first understand four important things about the way the mind works:

1: Your mind does exactly what it thinks you want it to do. The mind is programmed to help you survive and therefore, it is always acting in what it thinks is your best interest.

2: The way you feel every day comes down to two things. One, the words that you say to yourself. Two, the scenarios you visualize in your head. If the words you use are negative and the scenarios you envision are negative, then you’re always going to be feeling miserable until you do something to turn that around.

3: Your mind is hardwired for pleasure. It is designed to move toward the greatest source of pleasure and simultaneously move away from pain.

4: The mind loves familiarity and routine. It is programmed to repeatedly go back to the same behavior and the same habits it has grown comfortable with.

Your mind is constantly listening to the language you tell it. If you say, “I’m so stressed and this workload is more than I can manage, I can’t handle all this pressure” you are telling your mind you don’t want to do this. As soon as your mind thinks you don’t want to do something, it’s going to encourage you to procrastinate, to find excuses, to slack off, and perhaps even refuse to do the task at all. Your mind is so tuned in to the words you use that even the slightest hint of negativity immediately puts it on the path to doing everything it can to avoid difficulty. It’s not just our thoughts we need to be aware of, but the words that we say too. The words and the language that you use to describe yourself, your life, and the people around you shape the reality that you live in. The words you speak hold immense power in them. With a few simple words, you can either lift yourself up or bring yourself crashing down, defeated and demotivated. A few spoken words are all it takes to either give someone hope or destroy their self- esteem. If you believe that you are surrounded by loving, supportive people, that life is good and full of possibilities and you vocalize that, you’re cultivating such an environment for yourself using the power of your words.

Take a good look at where your life is right now. The habits and the behaviors you engage in. If you’re not getting the results you want, then it’s clear you’re not working together with your mind, and that needs to change.

You’re not communicating or training your mind in the direction you want it to go. You need to start talking to your mind in a positive way, even if you don’t believe what you’re saying at first. Imagine you’re running five miles and by the second mile, you’re already tired and you feel like stopping. If you’re telling yourself, “This is boring. I want to stop. I hate running why am I doing this”, you’re not going to finish that run. But if you tell yourself, “This is good. I love running. I can feel myself getting stronger. Two miles down, only three more to go this is easy I’ve got this,” you’re collaborating with your mind, telling it what you want it to do and it’s going to carry you all the way to the end of your run.

Remember, your mind is hardwired to stay away from pain, and it will do anything to avoid anything it perceives as difficult. To shift your mindset and embrace change, you need to be very specific about the words you say and the things you do. To become the better version of yourself and tap into all that potential buried underneath a mindset that has been holding you back for far too long. You’ve yearned for too long to be like those successful individuals you look up to, and this is where you take your very first step in that direction.

The mindset you choose to adopt is entirely up to you, but it is extremely important that you choose the right mindset to chart the course for the rest of your life. There’s no shortage of research and evidence that clearly shows how the mindset you choose to adopt can radically alter the way you learn, how resilient you are, how you handle stress, and the way you create the success you achieve in your life. To shift your mindset, there are six specific steps that need to be carried out, all six of which are designed to

open your mind and train to embrace the necessary change needed, no matter how difficult that change may be.

Step 1: Learning to Meditate Now that we know the mind determines the experiences in life, what can we do about it? Often, we’re just focused on taking care of the physical part of ourselves that we neglect to remember our minds need just as much attention and care because we don’t realize the extent of what being weighed down by stress, worry, and anxiety can do to us. These negative emotions are so powerful that in extreme cases, they can even manifest themselves physically. The art of meditation has a long history to it. The act of sustaining that prolonged period of inward focus where it’s just you and your mind can be an incredible experience. However, a calm mind does not necessarily mean that your brain is on a break. Surprisingly enough, the act of meditation has a measurable effect on our brain’s activity.

Consistent meditation disables the distractions we face by filtering it before it starts to bottleneck. Think of it as a river dam that ensures the right amount of water gets flowed down to households, industries, and agriculture. Meditation, in the same way, filters the less important data that we are exposed to and sends only the necessary and important info into our brain. In other words, it helps us determine what information should we focus on and what we do not need to focus on that may cause chronic anxiety. Researches from Rutgers University and the University of California also conducted research relating to mindfulness meditation and the effects on cortisol. The study shows that consistent meditation reduced

cortisol dramatically, with some results showing at least a 50% drop. Daily meditation for even 3 minutes is effective for the brain. Meditation is like the firefighters you call to extinguish this hormone that brings in so many diseases that can protect your health and happiness.

Sometime in the 1970s, Harvard physician Herbert Benson looked at the behaviors of the patients visiting him due to stress-related disorders such as anxiety. His observation led him to look at ways that he could counteract this association, simultaneously revolutionizing the mental care industry and helping people. Dr. Benson’s discovery was the connection between the mind and body through meditation. It slowed metabolism, reduced the heart rate, resulted in measured breathing and quieter brainwave activity. All of this combined brought out the right foundations for healing. Another study conducted by Dr. Sara Lazar in 2005 was a landmark study that showed the brains of those who meditated were much thicker and had more folds and surface area in their prefrontal cortexes. This study is used now by various neuroscientific and psychological researches as the go-to foundational study for other mental health issues such as depression. Those who meditate, even for 10 to 15 minutes a day, are usually anxiety-free, happy, and healthy.

Our thoughts come and go, and through meditation, we can at least focus on the various emotions with a more structured mind without needing to chase the rabbit down its never-ending hole. Through meditation, we can build our mental muscles and allow us to understand the deepest levels of our mind and connect to our thoughts, emotions, and mind. If you are new to meditation, you might begin by clearing your mind and focusing your attention on your breathing. As you do this, your brain’s natural rhythm,

which is called brain waves, begin to shift. Beta Waves, which is the choppy rhythm that is triggered when there’s active thought happening, steps aside and makes way for slower Alpha Waves. These Alpha Waves are more prevalent during the moments when you feel most relaxed. When relaxed, the brain then begins to produce stronger waves known as Gamma Waves. These waves are associated with deep concentration.

When scientists compared the brains of Buddhist monks with new meditators, they discovered that the region of the brain associated with empathy was a lot more pronounced in the monks who had been regularly meditating for years. The higher Alpha waves in the minds of these meditators reduced the number of negative emotions experienced. Studies conducted have discovered that after 8-weeks of meditation, gray matter in the brain was denser in areas associated with learning, emotional regulation, and memory processing. The amygdala, however, which deals with blood pressure and stress, experienced a decrease in brain matter.

Meditation is probably the single most important skill you can learn in a world today where stressful stimuli come at you from all angles. Human beings are the species with the most highly developed brain on the planet, and because of that, we’re given the gift of being able to create things. We create technology. We create inventions that make our lives a little bit easier. We’ve helped to shape the planet into what it is today. Our brain has so much power; we can even reshape our reality by simply learning how to quiet the mind and change our brains. When you no longer overthink things or you do not have to worry or have the feeling of constant fear, or when you stop worrying endlessly about what the future holds, you get to

experience a silence that is intoxicating. Meditation allows your mind to explore this side of your natural state, the stillness that is true and pure.

Image Source: Hingori Sutras

Step 2: Make Personal Development a Priority for Yourself Life is always changing, and if you don’t change along with it, you’re going to find yourself stuck in one place while everyone else around you seems to be moving forwards and upwards. Personal development is the way we upgrade ourselves. It is the way we learn, the way we develop new skills, the way we learn to understand how our minds work. In short, personal development ensures that you’re not left behind while life passes you by,

taking the opportunities you missed out on along with it. Think of it as a training technique for your brain, where each new personal development is a new way of teaching your brain how to perform better. All the new skills you learn will help you get from Point A to Point B in a lot less time so you can then make the most out of your time.

It’s easy to see who are the ones out there that make personal development a priority. They are the ones who have achieved monumental success in their lives. The ones that we look up to and aspire to be, the ones who are successes in the industries that they command. More importantly, they are the ones who did not let any obstacle stand in their way and hold them back. This is the one thing that sets them apart, and it was having the right mindset. That’s all it took for them to stand out.

Now, personal development can only be achieved if self-awareness exists. Before you can even begin comprehending and relating to your internal self and external environment, you must first understand yourself. Selfawareness is the ability to clearly see all the different aspects that contribute to the personality that you have. It means paying attention to the way that your body responds to certain triggers, how it feels and reacts when it experiences certain emotions, and generally how you respond to the stimuli of your surroundings. Being someone who’s self-aware means you’re less likely to be caught off guard or unprepared when something doesn’t go your way. Developing an acute level of self-awareness is how you stop yourself from repeating the mistakes of the past, and how you prevent yourself from reacting inappropriately when you feel overwhelmed or under pressure.

Personal development is also about what you choose to fill your mind with. Just because you left school a long time ago, it does not mean your education has come to an end. The number one problem that many people struggle with when it comes to shifting their mindset is that they think they are done with education. As a result, they no longer try as hard to learn, not realizing that learning is a lifelong process that never stops. Therefore, we continue having a lot of problems. We have problems with relationships, our finances, our career, our social skills, we have trouble with forgiveness. We have problems because we don’t make personal development a priority.

There’s a lot of different areas of personal development that you could look into. Love, people, time, money, education, friendships, career, the list goes on. But the most important areas of personal development you could focus on yourself first. To focus on creating the best version of yourself and working on the areas of your life which may not be so great just yet and figuring out what you can do to make it better. Focus on growing as a person, expanding your reach and capabilities, pushing past the boundaries that once made you uncomfortable to see just how far you can go. Your personal development is an investment. A quote by Jim Rohn tells us that we need to work on ourselves harder than we work at our jobs, and that quote holds the absolute truth. By working on yourself, you’re giving yourself the tools and skills you need to make you a more capable and valuable individual. This is the kind of mindset that takes you from where you are to where you want to be.

Step 3: Retraining Your Brain by Noticing 3 Positive Changes Per Day Whether this change turns out positive or otherwise, comes down to the way you handle yourself, your emotions, and the way that you relate to others in a high-pressured or challenging situation. Our brain is a gift. If we don’t cherish our brains and take care of it the way it deserves, it won’t be long before we start to break down emotionally and mentally. You won’t feel it at first or realize that it is happening until it’s too late to do anything about it. Your mind is the vehicle that you are going to journey through life with, and you must take care of it both on the inside and out for better health physically, emotionally, and of course, mentally.

We possess a natural ability to be aware, yet it is one of the most overlooked tools we have readily available to help us cope with the everyday stressors we encounter with our daily routine. To begin training the brain to recognize positivity, we need to tap into our senses, thoughts, and current emotions, training our minds to pay attention to our surroundings. Can you name three positive things that happened to you today? That’s all you need to start with. If you can name more than three, that’s wonderful! Name as many as you’d like. As you go about your day, use awareness and mindfulness to notice everything that’s happening around you. The minute something good happens, tell your brain, “Oh, look! That’s something positive that happened!” and keep doing this repeatedly until you’ve trained your brain to easily recognize the signs of positivity.

This daily habit won’t just rewire your brain and train it to focus on the good rather than it bad, but it also creates a sense of gratitude and peace. It’s impossible not to feel happy when you see something good happening. Remember how the brain likes pleasure over pain? This is how you train it to actively seek out positive experiences.

Step 4: Focusing on Your Short, Medium and Long-Term Vision Your vision is the better life that you see for yourself. The life that you want to help create. For example, you could say, “I envision a life where I am the one in control of my mind and my brain.” A vision is about the “big picture.” That’s what separates it from a goal, which is more tangible, measurable, and quantifiable. Goals are the steps that help you accomplish your vision. We all have different dreams, different visions of what our golden years would look like. But for this mindset shift to work, you need to focus on the vision that works for you.

“Your vision will only start to become clearer when you start looking into your own heart.” Those wise words were spoken by Carl Jung. When you look into your heart, what kind of life do you see for yourself? What would it be like to live a life where you’re the one in charge of your destiny, not your thoughts? You need to make a list of what your short, medium and long-term vision are for this journey you’re about to begin and to stay focused on your vision; you need to make visualization a regular habit. Visualization is a mental exercise, which means you are going to start working at it before you can begin grasping the benefits of this method.

The act of visualization is more than just being able to paint a pretty picture in your mind that brings a smile to your face. It’s about connecting your present self now to the person in that not too distant future, which will then lead you to start thinking about how and what you can do to make that vision come true. By knowing what you want in the future, you can start thinking about the action steps which need to be taken right now to get you one step closer. The more details you can put into this visualized image, the better you’ll be able to think about how you’re going to make it happen.

Even better, if you really want to hone in on your vision and stay as focused as possible, consider creating a vision board of your dream life and put it somewhere in your home where you could look at it every day. A vision board serves as a reminder that this is what you’re working towards. On this board could be a collection of everything that motivates and inspires you to keep going, and you’ll know you have created the perfect vision board when you feel moved to take some action each time that you look at it.

Step 5: Do the Dirty Work Yourself If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself, but if you don’t know how to do it. The next smartest thing to do is to work with someone who does. The new mindset you need to adopt now is this: No matter what you want to accomplish in life, if you want to succeed, you

need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. In other words, you’re going to have to learn to be okay doing things you don’t want to do. Bringing about positive changes in life is going to be hard work. You might have to do things your brain does not necessarily like (since it favors ease). Anything that is worth having in life will require that you do things you don’t want to do. That sounds hard right from the start, but the thing is, it doesn’t have to be.

You don’t need to take your thoughts seriously. You don’t need to pay attention or engage with every thought that pops into your head, especially if the negative ones. You don’t need to perceive every thought you have as the truth. You are not your thoughts. Treat your mind like a suggestion box, and you get to choose which thoughts are going to benefit you most while discarding the rest. When your mind tries to suggest a negative thought, simply thank it for the suggestion, and then move on. When most people reject discomfort, what they are actually rejecting is their perception of discomfort. Since your beliefs determine your response, what you choose to believe is within your control. Your brain is no doubt going to try and talk you out of doing any hard work because it does not want to venture out of its comfort zone. But anytime you feel discomfort, it means you’re doing something right. When you feel discomfort, it’s a signal that you should keep going because you’re training your brain to get stronger with every challenge you force it to overcome.

Overcoming your brain is something you’re going to have to work hard on, and you’re going to have to do the “dirty work” on your own. No one else can do it for you.

Step 6: Listen to Trusted Outside Perspectives Not all problems can be solved alone. Sometimes, you need to know when to ask for help or when to seek the counsel of others. It’s important to learn how to talk about your struggles because you can’t avoid problems and issues forever. There is no “wishing it would go away” or sweeping it under the rug and pretending like it doesn’t exist. The more you ignore your problems, the harder they will be to fix. The more you try to run away from your troubles, the harder it will be for your brain to try and shift its mindset. Having someone you trust to talk about your feelings with can feel good. Open the door to all those feelings you’ve been holding inside and let it burst forth. Talking about it out loud is a way of channeling the stress externally, so the tension is not built-up inside you. It is difficult to change a mind that is too consumed and focused on nothing else but stress, so that problem needs to be fixed first before you work on anything else.

Talking things out and learning to trust the perspectives of others can be a helpful exercise in reducing the stressful thoughts you have since talking things over helps you see things in a different light. Sometimes the person you’re talking too could put things into perspective and give you the clarity you need to find a workable solution to your problem. There’s nothing that reminds you of how much you have to be grateful for quite like connecting with the people you love. The people who love you in return. The ones who make you feel safe, secure, and understood. Connecting with your loved ones is a natural stress reliever for both the mind and body. They may not be able to fix your stress entirely, but being in their company, talking about something else other than your worries, maybe even laughing and having a

good time, can wash away all the unpleasant thoughts you were struggling to shake.

When things start to feel too much, seek comfort in connecting with loved ones. Find someone you can trust and talk to them about how you feel. Sometimes it helps to just get it off your chest. Learning to trust others, their advice, judgment, and perspective have the additional benefit of encouraging the use of positive speech. Which is especially beneficial in a romantic relationship. Learning to talk about the difficult things can be much easier if both you adopt the approach to only use positive language during the conversation. Being mindful of how damaging and powerful the wrong choice of words can be, let’s think carefully before you speak instead of just blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. Phrases like “I hear what you’re saying and I value what you have to say” or “I know this is difficult to talk about, but I’m here to support you let’s work through this together” are examples of some great positive language that can be used to help control the conversation and steer it in the right direction. It minimizes the chances of things escalating and getting out of hand. You’re also less likely to experience those moments when you wish you could take back what you said.

Chapter 114: 10 Other Things You Can Do to Change Your Brain What would life be like if you could overcome your anxieties? Your fears? Your depression? Pretty incredible, most likely. The human brain is an extraordinary thing. What would your life be like if you were the one in control of your brain again, instead of the other way around? You’ve probably tried several times before this to overcome your brain but had very little success. That’s because, like most people, you probably focused on addressing the problem rather than tackle the underlying issue that causes the problem in the first place. In this case, it is our thoughts and our perceptions that are creating trouble.

We think we’ve discovered all there is to know about it, yet scientists continue to learn new and fascinating facts about the way our mind works.

1: Believe You Can Change Your Brain It’s time to start believing in the power of your thoughts. Your thoughts can be a powerful driver, one that – if harnessed correctly – will drive you all the way to your goals and the life that you want. The power of believing in yourself can give you the determination and the ability to do things you would never have thought you could before. Believing that your brain can change will bring you so much desire to succeed that you become willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. More importantly, you will no longer feel tempted to give in to that desire to quit because you’re now fueled by positive thoughts and energy which feeds into your soul. By believing you have the power to change your mind because you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, it turns out you can indeed change your brain.

Carol Dweck talks about the incredible power of believing in yourself by highlighting how children who were taught that they didn’t know how to pass a test or solve a problem yet were the ones who were more willing to learn. By simply using the words “not yet,” the children display greater levels of confidence and showed a willingness to persist. In short, the words yet and not yet changed the perception and the mindsets of the students. Each time you push beyond your comfort zone and show a willingness to try something new, you’re forming stronger new connections in the brain. As you repeatedly engage in this kind of behavior, those connections only grow stronger with time, thus changing the structure of the brain. All through the incredible power of self-belief.

2: Regular Exercise We all know that exercise makes us feel better. But if you asked us why most people would be stumped for an accurate answer. We assume it's because we're burning off stress or boosting endorphins. But the real reason we feel so good when we exercise is that exercising makes the brain function at its best. In today's technology-driven plasma screen the world, it's easy to forget that we were born to move. Nowadays, we spend most of our time sitting behind the desk or lying on the couch, and we have basically removed a lot of movement from our lives. This has become a norm in the past century, but we must remember that we didn't evolve for this type of sedentary lifestyle, we evolved as hunter-gatherers.

Exercise has always been associated with losing weight more so than anything else, but that only touches the tip of the iceberg. There’s so much to be gained from physical activity, yet most of the incredible benefits are overlooked because most of us are only focused on one thing: Weight loss. That is it. But dig deeper, and you’ll realize exercise is one of the few activities that have an immediate, positive benefit for the brain. This includes an immediate improvement in your focus and your mood. What happens to your brain when you exercise can protect it from different mental health conditions like depression, dementia, or Alzheimer’s disease. That is how powerful physical activity can be. By simply moving your body, that one act has immediate, long-lasting and protective benefits for your brain which last for the rest of your life. That’s incredible. But why is exercise the most transformative thing that we can do for our brains?

By now, we’ve established that the brain is both a powerful and the most complex structure known to mankind. In a book called Spark by Jordan Ratey published in 2008, he proved that exercises and more effects on your brain than any other parts of your body. Exercise tends to be a secret recipe to boost your motivation, focus, and memory. Almost as though it were a magic pill that instantly boosts your brain capabilities. The human brain is not a fixed organ that cannot be changed. Quite the contrary, it is a highly adaptable organ that changed exactly like any other muscle on your body. When you lift weights, for example, you strengthen your arms, and the more you use it, the stronger and more flexible your arms muscles become.

Our brain is the most important organ in your body. Everything we do, think, and feel is governed by how our brain cells or neurons are connected to each other. They connect to each other through neurotransmitters, specifically the following three:

Dopamine - This neurotransmitter that's responsible for your motivation, and it keeps your brain looking for rewards, so you stay motivated. If you ever been hit by a burst of inspiration to do anything, it’s because of the dopamine in your brain. On the other hand, when you feel a lack of desire to do anything, your dopamine levels are running low. Research reveals that exercise has proven highly effective as a natural booster for your dopamine levels. Serotonin - Think of this neurotransmitter as your brain’s policeman. It influences your mood, anger, and aggressiveness, and helps to keep your brain activity under control. In other words, if you feel anxious

and depressed or stressed out, that’s probably because your serotonin level is low. Exercise, as research shows, is a natural way of boosting the levels of serotonin in your brain without having to rely on any drugs to do it.

Norepinephrine - This neurotransmitter is responsible for your attention and focus. When you struggle to do either, it’s like your norepinephrine levels are low.

If your first response is “I’m so busy where do I find the time to exercise?”, you’ll be happy to learn that there is a way to maximize your exercise benefits in the least amount of time possible. High-intensity aerobic exercise is the best way to go. This involves running jump rope, anything to get your heart rate up all the way up to 80% of its maximum rate. It's even better if the activity involves some complex motor movements. The optimal daily dose of exercise would be approximately 20 to 40 minutes in the morning.

3: Minimize Caffeine Intake Coffee drinkers everywhere are probably recoiling in horror at the very idea, but if you’re serious about your efforts to change your brain for good, caffeine is something that is going to have to go. Or, at the very least, minimize the consumption you take in a day. This is because caffeine intake, especially if it is done in excess, can mimic the symptoms of anxiety which include an increased or accelerated heart rate, feelings of panic and anxiousness, and even feeling jittery. Caffeine can also impact your sleep cycle, and if you do not get enough sleep, your anxiety levels are going to remain on high alert which is going to make it much harder for you to overcome. After all, there’s a reason why it’s classified as a “drug.”

It’s easy to understand why we’ve become addicted to our morning cup of coffee. Next to oil, caffeine is the second most traded substance in the world. Most of us can’t imagine starting the day without our regular Cup of Joe. it keeps us active, awake, and gives us that boost of energy we need to be on the go. But how exactly does coffee affect the brain? When we’re awake, a chemical called adenosine accumulates slowing in the brain. This chemical is responsible for binding the receptors in the brain, slowing down its activity. As the day goes on, more adenosine is accumulated, and that’s why we feel progressively tired as the day progresses. The more adenosine you have in the brain, the more tired you’re going to feel. When we’re asleep, our adenosine levels gradually decline, eventually leading to wakefulness once the mind and body have had enough rest.

Caffeine’s structure is similar to that of adenosine, meaning when you consume caffeine, it competes and binds with the waiting adenosine receptors. However, since caffeine is not adenosine, you don’t feel the effects of the sleepiness, thereby explaining why we feel alert and awake after those first few sips of warm liquid. But the downside is because you don’t feel the effects of the sleepiness created by adenosine, the calming properties that are supposed to be brought on by sleepiness are not there either. With long-term use, your brain tries to compensate for this by creating more adenosine receptors, which in turn leads to more caffeine consumption to try and “stay awake.” Caffeine is addictive and trying to quit is almost as hard as it is to try and quit smoking. Because caffeine impacts your brain’s dopamine levels by stopping the reabsorption process, it makes you feel happy. The effects you get are similar to that of cocaine, except you’re experiencing it to a lesser degree.

4: Being One with Nature American biologist Edward O. Wilson in 1984 wrote about our deep primal need to affiliate with nature and the natural world and coined the term biophilia hypothesis. It is the idea that all of us have an innate tendency to seek out the connection we have with nature and other life forms. Wilson described it as a “passionate love of life and everything that is alive,” and he proposed that this affiliation we have with nature is part of our genetics. As we’ve become an even more urban species, biophilia is now more important than ever. More people today are living in cities than outside of it and the trend only continues to accelerate as people keep moving to big cities “where the jobs are.” We have become an “indoor generation,” and the average American today spends approximately 90% of their time indoors.

This radical shift in lifestyle has taken a toll on our minds and bodies. The physical side effects are easier to spot than the mental ones. Myopia, for example, which happens you don't get enough sunlight on your eyeballs, and they grow longer. Obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular diseases have all been linked to spending far too much time being sedentary indoors. To change our brains, we need to go back to nature and immerse ourselves in this multisensory therapy. Nature is full of wonders, from incredible sounds, tastes, textures, colors, shapes, and sizes. Being immersed in nature can be completely exhilarating and rejuvenating, and it is exactly what your overworked mind needs if you’ve been struggling to overcome negativity for a while now.

Rachel and Steven Kaplan from the University of Michigan put forth a prevailing theory about how spending time in nature can help us restore ourselves. Their theory is called the Attention Restoration Theory. They believe that by spending some time outdoors, like when watching the beautiful colors across the sky as the sun sets or gaze out at the serenity of the ocean, sitting at the park listening to the birds sing or going for a walk in the countryside is the much-needed therapy our brains need to reflect, rest, and restore ourselves. Even if you spent a few minutes every day looking out the window at the trees or a park, your mind is restoring itself, and that’s the incredible power of what nature can do. As we go through life, our brain actually undergoes extraordinary development. It's the most adaptive organ in our body and it can change both positively and negatively by our thoughts, actions, and experiences. If you want to change your brain, feed it with positive experiences and spend more time outdoors disconnecting from the digital world.

5: The Power of Meditation The incredible benefits of meditation are common knowledge. We’ve known for decades now that meditation can improve someone's physical and mental health, relieve stress, elevate mood, and even lower blood pressure levels. As more people are starting to realize its benefits on the brain, neuroscientists continue to study how meditation creates changes in brain structure and rewires our neural circuits by eliminating the connections we don’t use that often while simultaneously strengthening the ones we do. By now, there’s enough evidence to confidently suggest that the claims about the many benefits of meditation are no longer just flukes.

Studies that have been done suggest that meditation plays a role in contributing to the density of the hippocampus. This area of the brain is crucial for memory retention and tends to shrink as we age, but it turns out meditation can counteract those effects. Meditating for just 10 to 20 minutes a day is all you need to start restructuring and changing your brain. After several weeks of consistent meditation, you’ll notice that you start to feel a lot calmer. You’re more focused and calm under pressure, able to handle situations that would have ordinarily stressed you out. Both yoga and meditation are extremely effective for decreasing stress. They're particularly effective at reducing symptoms associated with numerous diseases, including depression, anxiety, pain, insomnia. With consistent practice, it can actually improve your ability to pay attention, and there’s no shortage of studies that show people are happier and a lot more satisfied with their life when they regularly meditated.

Meditation is transformational. It doesn’t just calm the mind; it changes who you are. Research participants who were put through an eight-week meditation-based Stress Reduction Program and told to meditate every day for 30 to 40 minutes experienced an enlargement in several areas of the brain; the hippocampus is one of them. What was even more interesting was how the change in gray matter was correlated with the change in stress. To experience the full benefits of all that meditation has to offer, you need to stick to it. It’s not a one-off practice you only turn to when you need it. It’s a lifelong practice.

When your body is overwhelmed by stress and anxiety, your brain begins flooding it with chemicals. These chemicals then activate the fight or flight response in your system, and those who struggle with anxiety remained in this heightened state of alertness and stress for a prolonged period. Our bodies are not meant to endure this, and it can quickly wear you down mentally and emotionally. Meditation has the opposite effect by inducing the relaxation response. The human mind has been referred to as the “monkey mind,” with endless chattering and thoughts that are jumping around similar to a room full of monkeys. Meditation is the only way to learn how to manage them because the practice itself encourages mindfulness and awareness of every thought that takes place in the brain. Once you become the master of your thoughts, your brain becomes submissive and peaceful.

6: Getting Enough Sleep It cannot be emphasized enough how important it is to get enough sleep at night. It’s not just because you’ll feel tired in the morning or grumpy throughout the day if you don’t. A lack of sleep actually stops the brain from being able to initially make new memories. Imagine your brain was like an inbox. Without sleep, the memory in that inbox begins to shut down, making it impossible to remember anything, focus, or commit new experiences to memory. This means any new, incoming information is going to get bounced back because your brain can’t absorb it anymore. It’ll leave you feeling like an amnesic when you can't essentially make and create those new memories.

This is what happens to the sleep-deprived brain:

You become emotional and on edge. When you’re operating in a tired, burned-out mode running on little to no sleep, it doesn’t take much for something to set you off. Difficulty sleeping can be attributed to worrying too much, and sleep deprivation can cause you to feel a lot more irritable than you normally would.

When the brain doesn’t get the sleep it needs, a toxic protein called the beta-amyloid is developed. This protein is associated with Alzheimer's disease, and without the proper deep sleep needed at night, the brain can’t wash away the toxin and repair itself. The protein begins to build up and increase your risk of dementia in later life.

Your reproductive system is affected. Men who only get 5-6 hours of sleep at night have the testosterone levels equivalent to someone who is 10 years older than they are.

A lack of sleep could also act as a potential trigger for a short fuse. Have you ever noticed how things seem much harder or require more effort when you’re feeling tired and fatigued from lack of sleep? You feel cranky, irritable, and even the smallest of things seem like a big deal. That is because your body is tired, your nerves are frayed, and a lack of sleep makes you less efficient than what you normally would be. It doesn’t take much to set your temper off when you’re sleepdeprived.

Without proper sleep, you’ll age a lot faster, and your immune system grows weaker, making it easier for you to fall prey to bacteria and viruses. There’s a strong link between poor quality sleep and cancer that the World Health Organization is now classifying working the night shift as potential carcinogens.

Your body and your brain need sleep to restore itself at night. Overcoming your brain and changing the way you think is not an easy task. It takes a lot of brainpower and energy, so it is important to give yourself a break whenever you need it.

7: Regular Reading Reading is almost like a lost art these days. After all, why read when you could easily watch a quick video summary of the book that highlights enough of the important key points you need. You get to save time this way, isn’t that just as effective? Not exactly. The brain is like every other muscle and other than music, it needs reading to keep it stimulated. This is what happens to your brain when you read:

Your focus improves You concentrate better Your mind absorbs the finer details of the story You forget your worries when you lose yourself in the story

Concentration is a big problem for a lot of people these days. Try spending half an hour away from your phone. Would you be able to do it? How long into that half an hour period will it be before your mind starts to think about how many notifications you’ve got or whether anyone tried to call you? On average, most people divide their time between their tasks. They check their emails while browsing social media. They chat with their colleagues while trying to finish an email. The biggest distraction of all? Our mobile phones.

When you read, you’re transported to a different world. Even with a mind that is overworked and anxious. A 2009 study showed reading was the most effective way to overcome stress, beating out old favorites such as listening to music, enjoying a cup of tea or coffee, or even taking a walk, measured

by evaluating heart rate and muscle tension. Participants in the study only took six minutes before their minds started to slow down and relax as soon as they began turning the pages of the book. Plus, everything you read is filling your head with new knowledge and information. The more well-read you are, the better equipped you will be to handle any challenges that come your way.

Reading is extremely beneficial for your brain, and it costs you nothing to do it. You already know this skill; all you need to do now is put it to good use and use it to change your brain and your perception. In 2013 there was a series of experiments. As done by two New York psychologists and David Kidd and Emmanuel Capstone. What they did was take people and ask them to requite short passages from various types of books. Some of them are nonfiction books explanatory or learning books. Some of them are sort of thrillers plots, where you really bad events happening in the story, but not very much about the people you weren't inside their heads. The third source was the sort of fiction which involves reading things from the perspective of the characters. As the researchers studied their brain activity, what they found was that those who struggled with relationships and social skills were the ones who were limited by their imagination. They simply did not have the ability to step outside themselves and had a difficult time imagining anything. Therefore, to create a shift in your mindset, you need to focus on reading material that encourages you to think outside the box.

8: Music for the Soul Previously, it was thought that music was processed on the right side of the brain’s hemisphere, but more recent research shows that music has the ability to affect all parts of our brain. It’s interesting to see how some patients with brain damage couldn’t retain their ability to read the contents of a newspaper but somehow remember how to read music. Or the way certain people lack the fine motor skills needed to do up the buttons of their sweater yet could play the piano with ease. Music has an almost healing, therapeutic effect on the brain, capable of altering our moods and our feelings. Music, in fact, stimulates the formation of certain chemicals in the brain. A perfect example to illustrate this point would be to observe the choice of music in movies. If you notice, it’s not the scene that tells us how to feel; it’s the music. With the right music in certain scenes, particularly the ones where the actors are not talking, the audience might be unclear about how they should feel or even understand what’s going on. In a typical action or fight scene, it is the music that makes the scene epic, not so much the scene itself.

We tend to respond differently to happy and sad melodies. In one study that was conducted, it revealed that participants were more likely to interpret neutral expressions as sad expressions if the music they heard was sad. On the other hand, if it was happy music they heard, then they were more likely to perceive neutral expressions as happy instead. Dopamine is released in the brain when music is played, which is responsible for the satisfying feeling we get after listening to our favorite songs. Here’s something interesting. When a person feels sad, they often find themselves listening to sad music, and surprisingly, that actually helps them feel better. Why?

Because most of the time, when we feel sad or miserable, it’s because we feel alone or misunderstood. Like no one understands us and we’re all alone in the world. Listening to happy music, in this case, could end up making you feel worse because there’s no attachment or anything that you can relate to. However, when you listen to sad music, your brain believes that the musician understands how you feel and being able to relate to the music helps to elevate your mood.

Listening to music, as it turns out, is similar to a full-body workout routine for your brain. However, given that our brains are as unique as our personalities, music does not affect everyone’s brain in the same way. What one person enjoys might be someone else’s idea of noise. Music that relaxes you and makes you feel happy could simultaneously make someone else feel bored. The best remedy for your brain would be to listen to the kind of music that works for you, particularly the ones that make you feel good. When you’re stressed, overworked, anxious, depressed, or struggling with negativity, turning to your favorite playlist could be the shift in mindset that you need.

Image Source: Polyclinique de l’Oreille

9: Avoid Multitasking Trying to do two (or several) things at once is the quickest way to ensure you’re not doing anything well at all. Multitasking is not for everyone, and just because someone you know may be doing it, it doesn’t necessarily mean it may be as effective for you as it is for them. Despite what society is trying to tell you, the human brain was not made for multitasking. When you try to handle more than a single task at a time, you either can’t or won’t do either task well. You think you’re trying to save time, but really all you’re doing is hampering your productivity.

Today, the expectation is you need to multi-task if you want to get several things done at once, but your poor, overworked brain needs enough time to focus on what it’s doing, or you’re going to feel mentally stuck. Unfortunately, the pressure of juggling multiple responsibilities has turned multitasking into an acceptable thing these days. There are numerous articles on the Internet that will try to convince you multitasking is a prized skill. Some employers even list it as part of the job requirements when interviewing new candidates. This false perception that multitasking is acceptable has only increased the amount of pressure and stress that is felt, keeping your brain in a prolonged fight or flight state of mind.

Truth be told, multitasking is ineffective in the long-run, and rather than promote better concentration; it promotes anxiety instead. When you’re chasing the clock instead of focusing on what you’re supposed to be doing, you get nervous, flustered and anxious when you notice you’re running out of time. In the haste to meet the self- imposed time deadline you’ve set for

yourself, your focus dissipates. Mistakes get made, crucial information gets overlooked, and you’re feeling emotional from the pressure of rushing to meet your time goal so you can move onto your next task.

Our brains have a deliberate system, and while we may think we’re handling tasks and completing them in a parallel manner, what the brain is actually doing is switching your attention back and forth between each activity. When you move from one task to the next, you can’t pick up exactly where you left off. There’s a reason for this. In 2009, a professor from the University of Minnesota, Sophie Leroy, introduced the concept of attention residue. When you move from A to B, your attention does not immediately do the same thing. While you’re already getting started on B, your mind is still lingering on A, meaning that your attention is divided, and you’re not as focused as you think you are.

Build a better mindset by knowing what works for you. If multitasking is just going to make you feel more overwhelmed than ever, then what you’re doing is going to be counterproductive, instead of productive. Don’t try to handle several things at once if this style of working isn’t a good fit for you, focus on one thing at a time and get it done before moving onto the next if it’s going to make you more productive.

10: A Grateful Heart and Mind Oprah Winfrey once said: “When you stop to look at what you have in your life, that is when you’ll have more. If you only look at what you don’t have, then you will never have enough.” Tony Robbins quoted something similar when he said: “When you’re grateful, that’s when your fear disappears and abundance happens.” Gratitude is the attitude that brings success. day. Gratitude is one of the healthiest positive emotions that we can feel as a person. If you observed how those who are always grateful every day somehow seem like they are more resilient to stress, that’s an example of how powerful a grateful heart and mind can be.

Out of all the 10 steps talked about in this chapter, this is by far the easiest to begin implementing immediately. The effects are instantaneous too. Not only does gratitude actively remind you of the things you have to be grateful for, but when you actively remind yourself of all the good experiences you have in your life, it eventually helps to magnify positive thoughts and soon, the positive thoughts will eventually be strong enough to overpower the negative and toxic emotions. Studies have been done on the subject of gratitude, and it has proven that this is an immensely powerful tool in developing a sense of happiness and wellbeing. It’s hard to remain pessimistic when you think about all the blessings you have in your life. If you woke up this morning and you can think about more than one thing that you are grateful for, then you are a very blessed person and it’s time to remind yourself of that every day.

Chapter 115: How Do I Get Smarter? Is it possible that we could get smarter? Does knowledge itself make you a smarter person? What about all those brain-teasing puzzles and games? Do they actually do anything to improve your cognitive abilities? Let’s explore the idea of intelligence and the way that it is defined and measured. How much do we know about makes one brain intelligent if compared to another? No structure of biochemistry exists that can pinpoint exactly and say for certain this is what makes someone smart. The brain is made up of billions of cells, and as we know, different areas of the brain are responsible for different functions. A lot going on inside your brain.

Keeping Your Brain in Peak Condition Increasing your focus, mental clarity, concentration, memory power. We want to do all of this, but the question is how? How do we keep our brains in peak condition, so we become strategic, logical, analytical thinkers who are primed for success in both our personal and professional lives? A strategic mindset helps you stay on the path to success, a skill that is going to be particularly useful when you’re working in a demanding and volatile career. One minute you may have to make decisions on-the-fly, and other times you need to maintain a rational and level head. Strategic thinking is how you keep yourself prepared and ready to respond the way that you need to. Even if you’re not a successful entrepreneur or business person, strategic thinking is a skill set that is going to serve you well in your job and perhaps other facets of your life where you might need it.

Strategic, logical thinkers have an advantage over everyone else. Not only are they smarter and more analytical, they know how to maximize their strengths and efficiency, using them as leverage to help them get one step ahead of everyone else. Training their brains to think like a strategist has allowed them to plan what the next logical steps are and figure out what the most direct route to success is going to be. The added benefit of training your brain to think smarter is you learn to develop problem-solving skills. These skills make you think about approaching one problem from multiple avenues with the goal of applying the most productive, effective, and logical approach to resolve the problem. You’ll learn how to comprehend the problem at stake and this, in turn, gives you a deeper understanding of their personal and professional goals.

Smart thinkers don’t take anything for granted. They consider every option, every possibility, and every avenue carefully before making a move. They question, they analyze, they evaluate, and they don’t limit themselves to a rigid way of responding to maximize their effectiveness. They think outside the box and come up with solutions no one else might have even considered, thanks to this skill. By learning how to think smarter, the ideas that you are going to bring to the table are going to be innovative and fresh, and often yield better results than what the traditional approach might have brought. Developing this skill will allow you to focus on developing and sourcing new and better opportunities while challenging the normal assumptions, and the solutions you come up with will hold greater value, thanks to your ability to think creatively outside the box.

Now, there are six mental strategies that can put you on the path to thinking smarter, but before you can do that, you need to understand something about the human brain. To become smart thinking strategist we want to be, we need to learn how to engage the entire brain in the process. The brain is all about making connections, and to think smarter, there are two types of thinking you need to tap into:

Divergent Thinking - Observing the bigger picture and then work on generating ideas.

Convergent Thinking - Examining and rearranging these ideas in a rational manner.

Both of these types of thinking can be cultivated through regular brain training exercises and the mental strategies which will be covered below. Studies claim the most innovative type of thinkers is the ones who can quickly switch between these two thinking styles. To make that quick transition, you need to use your entire brain and make conscious decisions to alternate from one style of thinking to the next. The Six Thinking Hats technique was pioneered by Edward De Bono, and it is a technique that capitalizes on this ability. De Bono’s approach was to confront the problem using “six different hats” and reflect using the divergent and convergent thinking. In other words, you need to be an active participant in the thinking process to use your entire brain.

Mental Strategy 1: Read Every Day American entrepreneur Jim Rohn once said: “You are the average of the five people that you surround yourself with.” There is a lot of truth to this statement. If you look at the five people you’re closest to right now, how would you describe them? Are they successful? Do they prefer to take it easy and sail through life hoping for the best? Are they ambitious or complacent? Committed or unreliable? If they happen to be people who don’t exactly have specific goals, dreams or a purpose they are working toward, chances are you’re probably on the same level as they are. But if your closest companions are ambitious, driven, and motivated, there’s a good chance you’re just like them too. There are a lot of factors that influence who we are as human beings. Our environment is one of them. We copy each other and we excel at this trait, which is how slangs, accents, traditions, and cultures came about. People who spend enough time together start adopting each other’s habits and mindsets.

It comes as no surprise then that a lot of successful individuals have attributed a lot of their success to their mentors. People whom they learned from and emulated. Mark Zuckerberg looked up to Steve Jobs. Martin Luther King found a wonderful mentor in Gandhi. Bill Gates learned a lot from his time with Warren Buffet. One of the few things successful people have in common is that they always have at least one person in their social sphere who is already a success. These are the people they learned from, whose habits and mindsets they adopted. Now, you might be thinking, “I don’t have anyone successful in my life. I can spend a lot of time with and learn from,” but you would be wrong about that. You have books.

A book is your gateway into the mindsets of the successful and the wealthy. It is packed with ideas, strategies, tips, suggestions, advice based on firsthand experience. Successful people have taken all their knowledge and packaged it into a convenient, easy to carry a book that you can bring with you anywhere you go. Any time you need a burst of inspiration, pick up the book and immerse yourself in their world. It is as good as having the person there speaking directly to you. At least 75% of self-made millionaires reportedly make it a point to read at least two books a month.

Reading books is the most obvious way to enrich your vocabulary and, simultaneously, your intelligence. It is the easiest way you get to pick and choose who you want to learn from and whose ideas and words of wisdom are going to influence you the most. Every bit of information you read is going to shape your mindset and perception. This is the easiest selfdevelopment tool that you can use to your benefit.

Mental Strategy 2: Brain Games Brain games are a popular way of challenging your mind. From Sudoku, scrabble, crossword puzzles, math’s problems, and more, nothing fills you with a sense of triumph, quite like solving a particularly hard crossword or Sudoku puzzle with no help. These complex puzzles are brain food that fuels your ability to think logically as you scan your brain trying to figure out the answers with the small set of clues you’ve been given in the crossword puzzle. Sudoku puzzles encourage you to harness your analytical and mathematical thinking abilities. Combine these skills together and you’re well on your way to becoming a logical master. These activities stimulate thinking and activities like these are an enjoyable way to improve your brainpower.

One game has managed to withstand the test of time. This same game has survived for so long because it has been shown to stimulate more cognitive improvement than any other. That game is chess, and it’s been around for nearly 1500 years. People around the world have, at one time or another, tried their hand at this complex mind game. For a long time, this game was exclusively played only by royalty or other members of high society. A game where two opponents manipulate a set of 16 pieces to try and outthink and outmaneuver their opponent. The game grew in popularity because of its strategic diversity and intricacy. It keeps the brain sharp by forcing you to think several steps ahead and plan your moves if you’re going to win. To checkmate your opponent, you’ll have to apply creative thinking to seemingly complex problems.

Here’s how chess affects your brain. You’ll need to rely on your short-term memory to quickly process the moves your opponent makes. You’ll then need to tap into your long-term memory regurgitate any effective strategies already stored in your memory bank to plan your counter-attack. Next, you rely on your spacial and visual abilities to recognize openings to make your move. Therefore, you’re engaging several areas of the brain through one seemingly simple game. Both planning and creative thinking are needed for strategic adaptation, and chess clearly requires quite a bit of mental gymnastics on your part. When you’re playing in a professional capacity, all of that thinking above needs to be done within a certain time limit, which means your brain needs to be constantly on top of its game, consistently focused and alert. If it doesn’t, you won’t be thinking as clearly and that might give your opponent the upper hand when you’re not performing at your best. The cognitive intensity that is demanded from this game can put quite a bit of stress on the brain, but like physical exercise, a little stress can be good for you. You might say it is even necessary since it is important to occasionally challenge the brain and push it beyond its comfort zone, just like you would with any other physical muscle in your body. A fit brain continues performing at its best even as we grow older.

One study discovered that students who were immersed in a chess program experienced a dramatic improvement in their reading abilities. Another study revealed that when chess was immersed in a high school math’s curriculum, students experienced an increase in their problem-solving abilities and raised test scores too. Intelligence may be a broad concept, but it is evident that this particular mind game is going to benefit you cognitively across the board.

Mental Strategy 3: Get Regular Exercise The typical stereotype scenario pits brains against brawn. However, this stereotype couldn’t be further from the truth. Athleticism and intelligence are partners, not opponents. When you’re good at one, you naturally begin improving at the other. The mind is not the only thing that needs exercise. The Harvard Health Letter is one study that believes exercises can do you a world of good in terms of improving your thinking and memory power. Exercise, according to this study, helps to stimulate the release of growth factors and chemicals in the brain that impacts the growth of new blood vessels and how healthy our brain cells are. The healthier your brain cells, the better you become at logical thinking and reasoning.

Your body is controlled and motivated by your mind. Exercise is the healthiest and most natural way to give your brain the energy boost it needs. All it takes is a 15-minute workout to increase your motivation and keep your mind sharp enough to think clearly throughout the rest of your day. With that added boost of concentration, you’re able to learn and digest information a lot more easily. Since exercise releases endorphins that make you feel happy and healthy, this burst of enthusiasm makes it easier for your brain to retain information. Have you ever tried taking a test or solving a problem while you were in a bad mood? How did it go? Not very well, obviously. That’s because strong emotions like sadness and anger can cloud your judgment and hinder your critical thinking abilities.

Exercise also stimulates the neurogenesis process. During this process, your brain grows new neurons. As we age, the population of neurons in the brain

begins to decrease, but exercise can counter the aging process by helping the brain regenerate neurons. The new growth lowers the risks of anxiety and depression, commonly associated with neural atrophy.

Mental Strategy 4: Learning A New Language Language happens to be one of the most sophisticated things that your brain can do. Each time you speak, several areas of the brain begin working in tandem to formulate words, structure sentences, and construct meaning. What a lot of us don’t realize is exactly how big of a role the brain plays in our linguistics development. Since we can’t see or feel our brains working when we’re speaking, it doesn’t seem like the brain is doing a lot. Although it seems like the larynx is hard at work creating the sounds and our tongue and lips work just as hard to manipulate those sounds and turn them into words, it is the brain that controls them all. Without the brain, the larynx, throat, and tongue would be pretty useless. Without instructions coming from the brain, no one would be able to understand what you’re trying to say.

There are two neurological deficiencies that happen in the brain in relation to language, called Broca’s Aphasia and Wernicke’s Aphasia. The word aphasia, in general, happens when your language production is impaired due to damage inflicted on the brain. : Broca’s Aphasia - Affects the Broca’s area, a major region of language production. This area of the brain is mainly responsible for creating complex speech. Deficiencies in this area could lead to difficulties forming sentences and difficult grammar. Speech often sounds simple and slow because this part of the brain can’t function the way that it should. Those who struggle with Broca’s Aphasia often experience frustration as they struggle to communicate. They know in their minds what they want to say, but their brain still struggles to translate that fluid message into words.

Wernicke’s Aphasia - This area of the brain is responsible for helping you create meaningful speech, which means damage inflicted to this area could cause your words to lose meaning entirely. Those who struggle with this condition can get the words out of their mouths, but they struggle to connect those words in an organized way. Their sentences could end up sounding like a jumble of unrelated ideas. Unlike those dealing with Broca’s Aphasia, Wernicke’s Aphasia individuals sometimes don’t realize that something is wrong. To them, the words are coming out just like they are supposed to, not realizing that they are nearly impossible to understand.

As you can see, even if your voice, mouth, and tongue are working perfectly, language is still a process that is deeply neurological. This means each time you practice language, you’re exercising your brain more than you think. When you listen, write, read, or speak, your brain is making several new connections and overcoming challenges and creating new ideas all at once. A study conducted in 2012 in Sweden examined a group of young adults who started studying a foreign language. Each student participant in this study only spoke one language when they first began. Over the course of three months, these students were given daily courses in either Russian, Arabic, or Dari. Each student’s brain was scanned before and after the study to detect if learning a new language would cause the brain to grow. The researchers also wanted to determine that any brain growth experienced during this experiment was a product of learning a new language, and not just learning in general.

At the end of the three-month stint, the brain scans of these students were compared to the scans of regular cognitive science students. Both groups of students had to spend the same amount of time in class and an equal amount of time studying. The only difference is the group of cognitive science students was not focused on learning a new language alone. Interesting enough, by the end of the experiment, it was the group learning a new language that showed an expansion in their brains. This development correlated with their language proficiency. In other words, the linguistics students showed the most neurological growth out of the two groups tested. When the results were compared against the cognitive group, the difference was even more obvious. The students who learned a second language were the ones who showed significant development over the other group.

General learning improves intelligence, but learning a second language (or even a third or fourth) engages several diverse areas, and being multilingual is among the best ways to keep the brain in peak condition. It’s a good thing that learning a new language these days is easier than ever, thanks to technology.

Mental Strategy 5: Manage Your Time Wisely Time is all that we have. Ancient philosophers were intrigued by this one, simple question: How do we use our time in a way that makes our lives a lot more meaningful? That’s a very good question. Are you spending your time as efficiently as you should be? How do you manage, organize, and plan your time in a day so you can get all the tasks that you need to do done? If you are given 8 hours a day at work, it is up to you to divide your time and allocate your tasks accordingly to everything gets done within those 8 hours, and you do this by allocating the right amount of time to the tasks at hand based on priority. If time is such a limited resource, how do we know if we’re making the smartest use of our time? How do we make sure that every minute we invest in something is a minute that is well spent? Because once that minute is gone, it’s gone forever. Nothing you can do is going to bring it back.

The modern-day concept of time management is about tips and tricks on how to get more done. How to be more productive, how to do things faster, how to work better, and how to be more efficient. Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca said this: “If we value our time as money, then we are valuing our time very cheaply.” Why do we do this? Because we think we’ve got a lot of time. Changing your brain and improving yourself involves learning how to manage your time better so you are living your most productive life. Time is a precious commodity, one that we don’t have a lot of. If you use the time you have been given wisely, you are going to succeed in all the different facets of your life. A productive person can accomplish several things in a day. An average person accomplishes the bare minimum at best in a day. These two people are given the exact same 24-hours in a day, yet

the difference between the one who succeeds and the one who is just getting by is how well they manage their time.

Neuroplasticity tells us that it is possible to rewire the brain for success. What happens in our brain is based on what activities we spend the most time on. Every time you practice something, like the piano or playing a sport, you know that you get better with each practice. That’s because the area of the brain that is involved is expanding, and when it does, you get better at what you’re doing. The thing is, your brain’s capacity is not an unlimited resource. There is only so much capacity in the brain allocated for activities, so it is up to you to decide which activities should be prioritized. You must decide which activities are important to you and that’s where time management comes in. Effective time management is going to involve several different aspects of your day, among which could include setting goals, planning tasks and preparing a to-do list to keep you organized, delegating responsibilities, setting your priorities and determining how much time to allocate to the tasks you have based on importance. If your routine prior to this was to just wake up in the morning and go with the flow or a general idea of what needs to be done which you made a mental note of, this is about to change. All it requires is a small tweak in your routine to bring about big changes in your productivity.

Most of us have lost the ability to concentrate thanks to social media, and the average attention span now spans between 7-minutes. It has become so easy to get distracted these days it’s hard to recall the last time you were able to walk into your office and devote an entire day to focusing on your tasks without interruptions or distractions. Imagine how much more you

could get done in a day if you weren’t distracted at all? Time management comes down to attention. The difference between success and failure is sometimes down to how well you can train your brain to pay attention. Often, the ones who achieve the most are those who have mastered the art of time management, using it to their advantage, and focusing on the task without allowing themselves to get distracted. It’s not about how much time you have, but rather how well you use the time you have been given. With proper time management, you will notice a world of difference in the way that your life is run.

For every action, there is a consequence. This adage is especially true with time management. Each time you procrastinate and put a task off, it is going to have consequences. Often, you’ll end up falling behind; you might miss an opportunity, you might get swamped with even more tasks later on and find it even more difficult to manage time. That’s not smart. Time is its own master, and while you may not be able to manage or control it, you can certainly control what you do with your own time. That’s the smart thing to do. If you want to be a different person tomorrow than you are today, you have to be attentive to the things you want to focus on. If you say you want to get better at giving speeches, then you need to practice it day after day until the synapses and connections in your brain are reinforced. Right now, the smart thing for you to do would be to choose the synapses and connections in your brain you want to reinforce. Persist and keep practicing until there is visible change happening in your life because your brain has changed. Author Winifred Gallager said: “You are the sum total of what you are focusing on.” This quote points out how our reality is dictated by what we pay attention to and it is dictated by how you are spending your time. If you want your life to matter, you need to start focusing on the things that

matter and dedicate more time to those areas because these are the areas that make you the happiest.

Mental Strategy 6: Review Learned Information Here’s another problem that comes with living in a distracted world. The inability to focus means we have difficulty retaining the information we absorb sometimes. Memory can be a fickle thing, even more so with the distractions we face that threaten to disrupt our concentration. Distractions are everywhere, and sometimes it can be hard to remember something you’ve just read even if you only read it 5-minutes ago. Other times, when you’re not even trying, you’ll come across and odd random fact or two that you’ll remember forever. It’s funny how our memory works. Unless something resonates with you so strongly that it leaves a memorable impression right away, chances are you don’t retain a lot of the information that you’re exposed to every day. But if we don’t retain the information long enough to review what we’ve learned, how do we get smarter then?

Studies about human memory date back as far as 2,000 years, and even today, new discoveries about how memory works continue to get made. The downside to living in the information age is that there’s too much information. It is literally information overload, and it becomes hard to distinguish fact from fiction, especially on the internet. Information overload is not doing your brain or your memory any favors. As we’ve just learned from the point above, our brain has a finite capacity. There’s only so much it can take it at any given time and when the brain is overloaded, it eventually leads to mental blocks and sometimes a complete shutdown altogether. We only become acutely aware of our memories when we realize we’ve forgotten something. This presents a huge problem when you’re trying to recall information that you’ve read. Reading for comprehension becomes a challenge when you struggle to retain the text. In 2016, three

British scientists were winners of the largest neuroscience prize in the world worth a staggering 1 million Euros for the work they did related to human memory. What Bliss, Morris, and Collingridge discovered was that in both memory loss and memory formation, there was a protein in the brain that holds the key, but there’s still a lot to be understood and discovered.

To understand how we’re going to improve our memory power enough to retain the information we have learned, we first need to understand how the brain works in this capacity. Essentially, the brain process memory in three staged:

The encoding stage The storage stage The recall stage

The encoding stage happens each time your brain is presented with a new piece of information or notices something new. It starts to consciously perceive the images, sound, and all the other sensory details. For example, when you take a holiday to a new destination. Your memory of that place is formed by your visual, auditory system, and other senses. Visuals, as you take in the beauty and wonder of your surroundings. Auditory, as you notice the hum of traffic out on the busy street. Other senses like smell when you get a whiff of the wonderful street food scents that come your way. Every time you think about this location even long after you’ve left your holiday behind, the memory is still as strong.

The storage stage is when all this new information that you gathered is moved to the storage part of your brain. Your memories are stored in several areas of the brain, not just in a single area alone. The brain’s neurons then “talk” to each other by passing signals across. When this happens, the neurons are building either long-lasting or temporary connections, and the strength of those connections helps you retain your memories. Short-term memory stores information in your brain temporarily, before either dismissing it or transferring the information into long-term memory storage. Do you remember what you had for lunch two weeks ago? Probably not, since once the meal has been devoured, the brain can finally let go of that information. Long-term memories, on the other hand, are what you can hold onto for months, weeks, and a lifetime. Like the first time, you rode your bike. Both long and short-term memories do get weaker with age because of how our brain cells lose the connections that happen between the neurons over time. Exercising your memory enough, though, can prevent this from happening.

The recall stage is the final stage of the brain’s entire memory processing system. When you need to replay or retrieve a piece of memory from your brain, that’s the recall process at work. To do this, the brain needs to revisit the old nerve pathways responsible for creating that memory in the first place. When you repeatedly recall those memories, the brain’s connection strengthens, and one example of this is when students repeatedly go through their notes before a big exam, so the information stays “fresh” in their minds. Recalling memories are not always accurate, though. Sometimes certain memories can get mixed up with another, which explains the false memory phenomenon.

So, how do we change our brain and boost our memory and powers of concentration to become smarter? By keeping the mind and body healthy. Enhancing your memory prowess goes beyond just techniques and strategies alone. It comes down to the way you live and the quality of your health that also plays a vital role in your overall mental and brain health too. The healthier you are, the healthier your brain is. Better sleep, better nutrition, regular exercise, and healthier lifestyle choices make a difference. If you needed any proof of this, all you would need to do is go out and have a big, fast food meal and then try to concentrate after you’re done eating. Not an easy thing to do when you’re feeling sluggish and tired from excess sodium and all sorts of other unhealthy ingredients you know are not good for your body.

Chapter 116: Breaking Free of Bad Habits We know procrastination is not good. We know eating fast food is not good. We know spending hours aimlessly browsing social media is a waste of precious time. We know smoking is terrible for our health. We know these and several other bad habits are not doing us any favors. So why is it so hard to resist temptation? Why do we keep doing them, even though we know we’re going to regret it later? No good can come of it, but somehow, we can’t seem to stop ourselves from continually committing these bad habits. The temptation to give in has an immense pull, and it’s not easy training your mind to stay on task for a sustained period. What makes it even harder is we were never taught the proper methods to maintain focus. When it comes to focusing your mind, most of us are left to our own devices to try and figure it out on our own. Add these bad habits into the mix and it is no wonder we struggle to stay on track and stay productive.

What Are Bad Habits and Why Do They Affect Us? Logically, we should be avoiding bad habits if they don’t align with our goals and keep hampering the results we want to get. There’s a simple explanation for this, and it goes back to the way we were evolved. Humans did not evolve with a preference for delayed gratification. We evolved to prioritize immediate gratification. We want actions that are going to yield the most benefit in the current moment. That’s because our ancestors relied on this mechanism to survive when they had to hunt for food and secure shelter. Since our very survival depended on it, at the time, it made sense to place a higher value on the actions that were going to bring immediate benefit. For our ancestors, the possibility of what might happen in the future was not such a pressing concern. When our ancestors found food, they ate it immediately instead of waiting until tomorrow, since tomorrow was not a guarantee.

Fast forward to today’s modern society, where we no longer have to spend our days hunting for food for running away from predators. The environment we live in now is all about delayed gratification. Save money now and enjoy it when you retire. Diet and exercise now and reap the rewards in the future. Plan your finances wisely now and buy the house you want several years down the road. Do a good job today and you’ll receive your paycheck in a few weeks. We work for years and invest the necessary time and effort needed before we start to see any results for the hard work, we put in. Yes, the rewards in the modern world are all about delayed gratification. But our human nature remains the same, and that’s the

problem. Our brains are still wired to prioritize instant gratification, which makes the allure of bad habits hard to resist.

How Habits Are Formed Our brain is a powerful organ that learns your habits-whether or not you are trying to teach it. You might have noticed that the mind has a tendency to easily absorb the negative influences and bad habits faster than it does with positive, nurturing habits that require substantially more work. The formation of habit begins with two traits you must adopt if this is going to work: Self-discipline Willpower.

To most people, self-discipline feels constricting, but in reality, when you practice it, you began to that your life before you were disciplined was constricting. You realize that how you spend your time, the bad habits you had, and the addictions were controlling your life all this while. But when you are self- disciplined, you are more in control and you have more say of how you live your life. Your words will become actions and your actions will become habits. Your habits shape your characters and your character becomes your destiny. Practicing self-discipline is a short-term pain that comes with numerous benefits in the long run.

With bad habits, the rewards you get are immediate, but the consequences come later. Smoking will kill you in the future, but in the current moment, it feels good. Procrastinating work in favor of binge-watching your favorite shows makes you feel happy now, but the stress of rushing to meet

deadlines at the last minute will eventually catch up to you. To the human brain, any reward we get right away seems more valuable than a future reward which is not a guarantee. an ingrained pattern of behavior. Once a habit has become so deeply rooted and ingrained in you, it becomes even more difficult to break out of.

Bad habits may seem destructive, but that’s not how they were meant to be. We indulge in these bad habits because we get a sudden urge or craving for them. Our brains did not evolve with a strong desire to check social media every 10 minutes. It didn’t evolve with the urge to keep eating fast food every day or smoke several cigarettes throughout the day. We certainly did not involve to want to spend hours on the couch watching one episode after another. All those cravings came about because of an underlying motive. On a deeper level, people might smoke or drink as a way of self-medicating to relieve themselves from anxiety or depression. Maybe they turn to social media because they want to feel accepted or feel a connection to someone else. Maybe watching one episode after another and spending hours in front of Netflix helps them feel relaxed after a long and stressful day. In other words, the habits we have today are nothing more than modern-day solutions that we have come up with to help us cope with the pressure and expectations that we may be faced with. We give in to them because they make us feel good or serve some benefit.

Since the delayed consequences of many of these bad habits are so far in the future, the realization doesn’t hit us about how bad these habits are until it’s actually happening. A bad habit is defined as any habit that stands in the way of you achieving your long-term goals. These bad habits tend to stick

around for two reasons. The first is because they are ingrained in us, and the second is because they almost always lead to short-term goals. Logically, you know your long-term goals are more important. But it’s difficult to remind your brain of that. To break out of these mental bad habits, you need a reason that is well-defined, clear and compelling enough. There’s another problem though. Some of these bad habits are satisfying a need that we have, and cutting out these bad habits completely means that we are going to be left with certain needs that are unmet. Simplistic advice about just quitting bad habits is never going to work effectively in the long-term. Maybe you’ll stop them for a while, but once the craving or need for it gets too much, you’ll find yourself slipping back into your old ways in no time.

Is It Possible to Change These Habits? Bad habits will cost you your happiness, so why indulge in them any longer than you have to? Once you understand why these bad habits happen, yes, it is possible to change these bad habits. In one of his many private journals, renowned martial artist Bruce Lee once said: “I realize that my mind’s dominating thoughts will eventually reproduce in outwards, physical action that will gradually transform and become my physical reality. Therefore, I will choose to concentrate my thoughts daily for 30 minutes. I will think about the person I intend to become and create a clear mental picture in my mind.” What we can learn from Lee is we need a reason that is compelling enough to change the way we think when it comes to bad habits, and it begins with the realization that your current bad habits may not be the best way to solve the underlying issues you face.

Bad habits are nothing more than a method you picked up along the way to cope with certain issues, and the good news is, there is always more than one solution to every problem. One person learns to cope with the stress they feel by smoking, while another may learn to cope by exercising. The same problem, but the latter solution is a much better option. Breaking out of bad habits is tough because of the constant craving to give in to temptation. Therefore, what you need to do is find a similar replacement that is going to give you that same kind of reward. This will encourage the shift toward a habit that is more productive, eventually getting rid of the bad habit you’ve been carrying around gradually. It’s going to require some digging into your thoughts to find what the actual reward is that you crave. If you’re repeatedly engaging in a habit knowing that it is bad for you

anyway, there must be a reason why. Once you find that reason, think about something similar (but better) that could give you the same benefits.

Your Habit Replacement Journey Eliminate your bad habits by sticking to a new way of thinking. It starts with a three-step process: Step 1 - First, you need to make a list of all the bad habits that are holding you back. Step 2 - Once you’ve done that, identify the triggers that are causing your habitual bad behavior. Step 3 - Find healthier, better replacements for those habits that give you the same good feeling.

For example, if you list one of your bad habits as spending too much time aimlessly browsing through social media and you’ve identified the trigger as boredom, the next step is to think about a suitable replacement. When you’re bored, why not try reading instead? You still have the same cravings you did before, except now you’re trying to replace it with a better solution that is more aligned with your goals.

Now, this three-step process may sound simple enough, but there’s more to it than that. Because these habits have been going on for a while now, you might still find yourself unconsciously performing these bad habits even when you know there’s an alternative solution. When you catch yourself doing this, that means you need to take it one step further by optimizing your environment to minimize the temptation you feel. The environment we’re in has a big impact on our behavior. If the things that encourage your

bad habits are always easily accessible and in a visible place, you’re going to find yourself reaching for them without thinking about it. In the example above, you would optimize your environment by keeping a book next to you while putting your phone in a drawer or tucked away somewhere else where you’re not tempted to pick it up every few minutes. You could also opt to delete your social media apps from your phone and install them with apps that motivate you to read instead. You’ll still be able to access social media from your laptop, but the temptation won’t be as strong because it’s not as easily accessible as your phone. The aim is to add as many “hurdles” as possible that make it harder to reach your bad habits, so you’re less likely to do them. By manipulating your surroundings so it works in your favor, you can dramatically increase your chances of successfully changing your habits.

To boost your chances of success, even more, you need to motivate yourself. Your new replacement habits might not feel as satisfying as the old ones. Not yet at least. To motivate yourself, you need a reward system in place that gives you something to look forward to. For example, if you make it through an entire day reaching for your book instead of your phone each time you were bored, you can reward yourself with 30-minutes of social media time at the end of the day once all your tasks have been completed. This positive reinforcement trains you to be disciplined enough to stick to the commitment you’ve made so the reward at the end of the day feels even more satisfying because you know that you’ve earned it. Another way to go the extra mile making sure you succeed at your attempts to change your habits is by making yourself accountable. Tracking your progress is the best way to do this. Each time you successfully stick to your new habits, mark the day on your calendar. Add an extra layer of challenge

by trying to stick to your new habit each day so you’re consistently checking off days on your calendar. The visual progress you see happening on your calendar will motivate you to keep going and not break the success streak you see.

Tracking your progress is the best way to feel motivated. When you can see yourself moving forward, you’re motivated to keep going down the right path when you see how far you’ve come already. Breaking bad habits requires perseverance. The longer you’ve been living with the bad habit you’re trying to change, the longer it’s going to take to break out of that cycle, and you need that perseverance to keep you going. The only way you can really fail is by giving up.

Shift Your Mindset to Break Your Habits It’s okay to make mistakes along the way when you’re trying to get better. When we make a mistake, we immediately start to feel defeated and be too hard on ourselves. That’s not how things are supposed to be. You’re supposed to make mistakes because it’s part of the learning process. When you start seeing your mistakes as part of the learning process, you open your mind to undergoing that learning process. You stop being too hard on yourself, and you feel significantly less stressed when you take away the pressure of trying to get it perfect right away. A shift in your mindset requires focus. To focus on why you’re working this hard to change your break and break free of your old ways.

These guidelines might help you get started: Think About Your Loved Ones - Loved ones can be an immensely powerful and motivating factor to bring about the change you need. What do you want your legacy to be? What do you want to leave behind for your family? Do you want them to remember you as someone who was stressed all the time? Someone who had difficulty coping? Would you want your children or other members of your family picking up on the negative habits you have? What better reason to change for the better than to do it for the people you love? Don’t Disregard Your Feelings - Some bad habits are triggered by our emotions. When we’re uncomfortable with the emotions we feel, we try to find an escape route of some sort. For example, you’re uncomfortable feeling alone and isolated, so you turn to social media for some kind of solace or comfort. The negative, self-deprecating thoughts you have about yourself happen when you’re uncomfortable

with the emotions you feel. When you feel terrible about yourself, you start binging on unhealthy food, and you lose all desire to accomplish anything because you think, “What’s the point?”. Emotions are uncomfortable, and you wouldn’t be the first person who finds themselves going to great lengths to try and avoid that discomfort. You probably even try to escape those feelings by indulging in bad mental habits like feeling sorry for yourself or adopting the victim mentality. The only way to deal with your uncomfortable emotions is to go through them. To be comfortable enough to let them in, experience them, and then move forward. Saying “NO” Is Not Wrong - You might not like it, but you have to do it. You owe it to yourself to manage your stress levels, so you don’t keep turning back to your bad habits as a way to make yourself feel better. The cycle needs to be broken and one way to do it is by learning to say no when you need to. There will be some moments in life when you need to say no. Even if you feel guilty doing it. When you know it’s the right thing to do in the long run, then you must be willing to do what needs to be done. If you’ve already got too many things to focus on your plate right now, know when it is time to decline a request and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. The tasks that you have on hand right now should be given attention and priority until they have been completed. Remember the human brain is not designed for multitasking. If you want to excel at anything, you must learn to focus on one thing at a time. Unless something is extremely urgent, if you already have your hands full, then learn to say no. Scheduling “Think Time” - It is always better to be well-prepared than to just wing it or go with the flow. If you find that leaving things to chance tends to elevate your stress levels, plan ahead as much as you can, and take comfort in the knowledge that you’re as prepared as you can be. The more organized you are, the less likely you’re going to be to get easily distracted by your bad habits. You don’t even have

to go too far, by planning a week ahead of a month, maybe even a year ahead. Keep it simple by keeping it focused on planning for the next day. Scheduling “think time” is a crucial way to prepare yourself and to stay on track because you have a goal that you’re working toward. When you’ve got a lot of your task list to get through, planning your time wisely is an effective stress management approach. The less stressed you are, the less need there will be to go searching for your old bad habits make yourself feel better. It’s a good idea to ensure you give yourself some “buffer time” in between tasks too. Handling one task after another in a row with no break time is a one-way destination to burning out quickly. As much as you would quickly like to go through your task list and get everything done and over with as soon as possible, it is still important to give yourself time to recharge between each task by taking the needed breaks. When scheduling your tasks for the day, it is important that you leave some buffer time in between to allow yourself to recharge your mental energy. Buffer time also gives you some time to think about how you’re doing and if there’s anything that could be done better.

Thought Replacement One bad habit that needs to be broken is allowing negative thoughts to stop us in our tracks. Instead of using mistakes as a lesson and a motivation to propel us forward to keep getting better, the habit of thinking negative uses mistakes as a weapon to beat us down even more. A lot of thoughts happen without us being aware of it, and these thoughts either inspire or reprimand us. Negative thoughts, unfortunately, happen to be the stronger force, and unless you practice thought replacement, they can quickly overpower any attempt at staying positive. Overcoming negativity for good is probably going to be one of the hardest challenges you might have faced in a while. Breaking out of old habits that have been around for years is never an easy or straightforward process. It takes weeks of exercising positive thought replacement, which is where you replace your bad thoughts with good ones. It will take a while before you begin to feel the visible shift from a heavy, cluttered, disorganized and chaotic mind to a mind that if happier, lighter, and feeling free.

Rehashing negative thoughts is only going to set you up for failure. It’s important to start being mindful and recognize the kind of messages your brain is sending to itself. You might be taken aback to realize just how harmful a lot of the messages you send yourself are. Negativity is like a disease. Once it gets a hold of you, it will do its best to keep hanging around, refusing to let go. These thoughts are going to steadily ruin your success a little bit at a time if you don’t do something to stop it. Thought replacement is the only effective technique needed to squash that inner critic inside you. The mind is a very powerful thing, and we can easily become a prisoner of our thoughts without even realizing that it is

happening until it is too late. But that means that our minds are just as capable, just as strong enough to turn things around if we wanted it to. It’s important to start acknowledging what you say to yourself. You’re doing it all the time anyway, except we’re not mindful of these thoughts. Listen to the way you talk to yourself. Once you begin noticing the messages you send, it’s time to replace the less than desirable ones.

Every negative thought that is created in your mind can be transformed into something positive and constructive ones. To break the negativity loop, here’s what you need to do: Identify Them - Pinpoint exactly what your unhelpful thoughts and separate them from the negative ones. Yes, there is a difference between the two. Not all negative thoughts are necessarily bad. An example of a negative thought is, “I’m stressed and frustrated, but I know it will get easier,” while an unhelp thought would be, “I hate my current job and I never want to go back to that office again!”. The unhelpful thoughts are the ones you want to focus on getting rid of. Push Back Against Them - Once you’ve identified what your unhelpful thoughts are, it’s time to work on challenging them. Facts are going to be your greatest defense in this step. If they’re not valid and based on facts, push back against these thoughts by focusing on the information that you know. Always go back to the facts that you know and cross-reference that with your thoughts. Ask yourself, “Am I basing this on fact? Or speculation?”. Replace these unhelpful thoughts with concrete facts to support your argument and make it believable. The facts never lie and focusing on this is one way of reigning in your thoughts to keep them from spiraling out of control.

Be Mindful of Them - Watch the ongoing monologue that runs through your mind. Self-awareness about the nature of your self-talk is where you start making the necessary changes needed to change the way you think. When we’re not mindful of the changes in our thoughts, the negativity makes us feel worse, and it becomes even more difficult to focus. By being mindful of the thoughts that creep into your head, you’re instantly more attuned to what those thoughts are and how they make you feel. It if is bad for you or going to affect your confidence levels, you need to remove these thoughts from your life. For good. Trade Them - It can be hard to remain positive all the time, especially when you’ve experienced a setback or things are not going according to plan. However, try to trade your negative thoughts in for positive ones whenever you can. For example, instead of seeing setbacks as the end of the road, acknowledge that they can sometimes be opportunities in disguise. Instead of seeing failure as an indication that you’re not good enough, see failure as a teacher you learn from. It all depends on how you look at it. Train your mind to look at this from a positive point of view. See the bright side and the good of every situation, and you will find that often things may not be as bleak as it initially seems.

Don’t Be Afraid to Talk About It As social creatures by nature, one of the unspoken things we yearn for is a deep connection to others. But in order to develop that deep connection, we must be able to openly share ourselves with others. We need to build enough trust to let others in, or we will always feel alone. Yet a lot of people hold back out of fear. They fear rejection, or they worry about how the other person might respond. They’re afraid of being hurt and maybe they’ve had their heart broken in the past and they’re scared to open up again.

As adults, the way we learn to perceive, handle and regulate emotions and feelings starts going downhill. Instead of learning how to deal with emotions in a healthy way, talk about our feelings, and express ourselves openly without fear of rejection, what we’re being told instead is suppress them or. Phrases like “You’ll be fine, don’t think about it,” “get over it,” “put on a brave face,” “don’t show emotion you’ll be perceived as weak,” “you’re making too big a deal out of this,” are all too common and they lead to one outcome: The inability to properly manage your emotions let alone master them, which then leads to difficulty talking about it. We’ve become so conditioned to think showing emotion a sign of weakness. People are uncomfortable talking about feelings and they’re even uncomfortable listening to someone else talk about their feelings.

Everything you’ve learned in this book so far is meant to help you rewire your brain and change it, so you start living a happier, better, and more meaningful life the way you deserve. So, what can you do to learn to talk

about your feelings more? Use the following guideline and take it one step at a time: Unlock That Bottle - Don’t keep your emotions bottled up inside. Learn to be okay with expressing yourself and letting it all out. Your emotions are not your enemy, so start embracing them instead of resisting them. Don’t forget that the brain has a limited storage space capacity. All those thoughts need to go somewhere, or they’re going to get bigger and bigger, making it feel like your head is about to explode at the next trigger. Even if those emotions are uncomfortable or something you would prefer not to deal with, do it anyway because it is still a part of who you are. Do What the Motivational Speakers Do - At every opportunity, preach positivity. Imagine you’re like a motivational speaker, and it’s now your mission to spread positivity at every chance you get. Especially when you’re interacting with someone who needs it and who may be struggling to overcome negativity too. You may not be a motivational speaker in a professional capacity, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take a leaf out of their book and preach and teach too. If your mind is capable of complaining and being negative without even thinking about it, you can certainly change your brain and your thoughts, so it goes in the opposite direction too. Tell Them What You Want Them to Do - Sometimes, all you need is someone to listen to you talk about your feelings or what’s on your mind. without any judgment, criticism, or opinion. You just want them to listen, and that’s okay. Let them know what you need from them right up front so they’re on the same page. Tell them exactly how you would like them to respond by saying this: “I want to share something with you, I hope that’s okay, but I just want you to listen because I’m not ready to solve this problem yet. I need to get it off my chest but that’s all I feel ready for right now”. Tell them right from

the beginning and you’ll find that your loved ones will be more than happy to meet your request. It takes away some of the fear of talking about it once you see that people are more than happy to meet you where you need them to. All you have to do sometimes is ask.

Conclusion Changing your brain for a better life, no doubt takes a lot of work. Even harder to break out of these unhelpful thought patterns and bad habits when you’re dealing with anxiety too. But you’ve already made great progress by learning how the brain works and why we’re wired to do or think in a certain way. Understanding is the first step toward overcoming any obstacle, including trying to change years of bad habits that have done nothing so far but keep you from achieving your goals.

Now that you’re equipped with the tools you need to make the transformation, it’s important that you start slow. Trying to do too much too soon is how a lot of people crash and burn. You need to start small, and this can’t be emphasized enough. Yes, it seems like slow progress in the beginning, but that’s okay. Slow and steady wins the race. It’s about keeping your eye on the big picture and being patient with yourself along the way. Any change that is worth it is going to require that you work for it. The brain you have is not the brain you’re meant to have for the rest of your life. The human brain is an incredibly powerful organ. With consistent practice, it can change. You know what you need to do. The rest, as they say, as up to you.

DECLUTTER YOUR MIND By William Mind

Introduction The human mind is an incredible thing and our greatest asset, yet it is the one we often neglect the most. During the day, we’re so consumed by the external events going on around us we fail to notice the thoughts that go on in the mind. We wake up in the morning, go about our day as we normally do, yet by the end of it we feel so exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. Most of the time we don’t understand why this happens. Little do we realize a lot of it has to do with the mental clutter that goes on in our heads. Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius once said: “You have power and control over your mind, not outside events. Once you realize this, you will find your strength”. That simple quote perfectly sums up the vast potential of what the human mind is capable of. Learn to control it and you can achieve greatness. Let it control you, however, and you live a life of stress, unhappiness, and frustration. Mental clutter. The “junk” or “trash” that you harbor in your mind is keeping you stuck, feeling like you’re in an endless cycle of stress and frustration, filled with self-sabotaging thoughts that make you feel worse the more you think about them. That’s exactly the problem. We spend far too much time thinking about these thoughts and we don’t even know it. The repetitive, unhelpful, negative thoughts that replay on a loop, the same thoughts we have once, twice, maybe several times a day. Those are the thoughts that clutter the mind and make life harder than it

needs to be. Mental clutter complicates the simple stuff and it makes you feel like you’re at odds with life every step of the way. It’s exhausting to feel like you have no control over your emotions or your reaction to your circumstances. It’s time to turn the mental stories in our minds around and refuse to be crippled by the mental fog and lack of clarity any longer. It’s time to be rid of the lies and the limitations that these negative thoughts try to feed us with. It’s time to go through the tips, techniques, and strategies that have been carefully laid out in this book to effectively begin decluttering and getting rid of the excess junk and pave the way for a calmer, clearer frame of mind. There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much useful information as possible, please enjoy!

Chapter 117: The Philosophy of Decluttering What’s going on inside your mind? How does it make you feel? Could it be that maybe - just maybe - the way you feel has a lot to do with the physical stuff that you’re surrounded with? Physical possessions are more than just the stuff that surrounds your external environment? They are a manifestation of what is going on inside your mind. Your phone bills. Your laundry. Your cabinets and shelves full of unused items, stuff you may have even forgotten that you own. The couches and chairs piled with old papers, books, and magazines in the corner gathering dust. The unnecessary, nonessential items in your life that take up so much room and space that they start to feel like a burden that is weighing down.

Experts believe that the average human mind is full of what they call mental clutter. They call it an “unbearable burden” that we all carry yet don’t realize the direct link it has with our external surroundings. We’ve become so accustomed to the noisy “chatter” in our minds that we start to think of them as normal. It’s now “normal” to feel stressed out. It’s “normal” to think more than a dozen worrying, stressful thoughts at a time. Our inability to organize our thoughts in our head is manifesting external, and if you stop to look - really look - at what your immediate environment looks like, ask yourself this one question: How much of these items do you need?

A lot of the items that we own are, truth be told, not essential. You don’t need the same shirt in multiple colors. You don’t need 10 pairs of jeans when you keep wearing the only two because you like those best. You don’t need several books lined up on the bookshelves if you have no interest in ever reading them again. Most people are drowning in their own clutter and they don’t even know it. The average American has 300,000 items in their home. Piles of letters, mail, and magazines in one corner, papers, documents Expired food in the fridge, closets bursting full of clothes, some of which you may not have worn in over a year or even forgotten about. Old shoes, souvenirs, and mementos you’ve had since your childhood, gifts you’ve received over the years but never used. Come on, now, be honest. Do you need this much stuff?

Understanding Clutter and Decluttering Your home is not the only thing that is susceptible to clutter. In fact, a cluttered mind and a cluttered home are one and the same. For example, holding onto clutter is the same as holding onto the past. You have it hard to let go of some items, even when you know you should, because of the sentimental value and the memories which are attached to it. Sometimes you don’t even want to get rid of it because it was a gift and you’re worried about hurting the other person’s feelings. You know you’re never going to use it, but you hold onto it anyway. Holding onto items that are no longer of any use to you will stop you from moving forward because you can’t look ahead when you’re constantly looking back. It’s the same thing when your mind is cluttered. You hold onto the past because you can’t bring yourself to let go, you keep having the same thoughts over and over again, and you have a hard time letting go of certain memories that hurt, even when you know that you should.

Understanding physical clutter is a lot easier than understanding mental clutter. With physical clutter, we can see it. We know clutter is referring to the piles and stacks of unnecessary items we have around the home. Mental clutter is a little harder to define. Have you ever had days when you feel so frazzled? Like your mind is being pulled in a million different directions and you feel exhausted from the sheer energy you’ve had to expand thinking and processing the thoughts you have? On any given day, the average person has about 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts running through our minds. That’s approximately 2,500 to 3,300 thought that you’re churning

out in an hour. Other experts believe that number may be slightly smaller, an average of 50,000 thoughts a day perhaps. That’s still a big number, and what’s worse, more than half of the thoughts you have are not beneficial. Most of the thought are either useless, or they are unimportant, which means they are taking up all that space in your mind of nothing.

Our brain is active and constantly on the move, like a butterfly flitting from one beautiful flower to the next, never stopping to stand still long enough. Thinking is such an automatic process that we don’t realize the thoughts that we’re having unless it is something significant that grabs our attention. We’re completely oblivious to how these thoughts are taking up too much space in our mind, making it difficult to focus and concentrate, nothing but a distraction, taking your attention away from what you should be focusing on in your life instead. The time and the hours that you spend thinking unnecessary thoughts could be put to better use doing something productive, something that is going to bring you one step closer to your goals. A cluttered mind distracts you from what’s important in life, taking up more of your attention and time than it should.

What is a cluttered mind? It is a mind that:

Has a confusing thought process Can’t operate in a calm, productive, and focused manner That struggles to stay positive

That struggles to hold on to happiness That is full of thoughts that don’t contribute in a positive way to your life or wellbeing Is lacking direction Ruminates too much Obsesses about what is beyond your control Has a hard time letting go of negativity, resentment, and anger Can be easily swayed by circumstances, opinions, and criticism Easily distracted by external circumstances

In short, a cluttered mind results in a negative mindset. The most dangerous thing about a cluttered mindset is that you’re relinquishing control. You’re giving up control of your life by letting your thoughts dictate what you should think and how you should feel. You forget that you are the one with the power to control your life, not your mind and certainly not your thoughts. When you give up and leave it to your thoughts to decide your fate, when you no longer take responsibility for your thoughts and actions, that’s a clear sign that something needs to change if you want to initiate any kind of change in your life for the better.

How Clutter Affects the Brain If your brain were a computer, clutter would represent having too many tabs open in the brain at one time. It’s messy, disorganized, and makes it hard to focus on anything.

Because there are so many thoughts that are taking place in our mind at any given time, when these thoughts are negative or contradict each other, they start to cause problems. These thoughts are partially responsible for the stress, anxiety, and depression that so many people are battling with today, not realizing how mental clutter has a part to play in it. When your thoughts begin affecting you in a very negative way, it’s a real problem. Harboring negative emotions is a sign that your mind is cluttered. It starts with one thought, one feeling and before you know it, you’re sliding down a very slippery slope of unhappy emotions and you don’t know how to slow down anymore. Negativity puts your mind in a bad place you never want it to be in, and it can quickly strip you of any possibility of happiness.

Your brain is not designed to have its attention pulled in so many different directions. Your brain needs to be organized. At peace. Focused on one thing at a time, preferably something positive and uplifting that makes you feel good. The trouble is, negativity is not entirely avoidable. There will be some moments in life that are less than pleasant. It’s even worse when we lack the ability to properly organize and filter the information that we

receive. Like your email inbox. If you don’t delete or filter the important emails from the junk mail, everything is just going to pile together in one big mess, making your inbox too stressful to look at or even deal with. To say we’re never going to feel the stressful effects of negativity would be a lie. We can’t always avoid them, but what you can do is learn how to process these those, assess them, and deal with them in better, healthier ways so they don’t linger and clutter your mind.

Your mental habits are the reason you’re not reaching your full potential. Your “busy” mind is the reason you feel “stuck”, stressed, anxious and overwhelmed so easily. Clutter is bad for your brain and the negativity it causes is one of the most debilitating hindrances you can have, taking up more than its fair share of space in your mind that there is no room for anything else. Don’t forget about the physical clutter that is secretly affecting you in the background too without you knowing it. There’s a saying that goes: “Mess equals stress” and there’s a very good reason why. Being surrounded by disorganization makes it hard for anyone to concentrate. We are so conditioned to a life of materialism that we genuinely believe the decisions about the purchases we make are based on careful thought and sound logic. We make excuses and give reasons as to why we need to purchase more stuff. We make purchases in the hopes that we will finally become a happier version of ourselves, but when that doesn’t happen, we become unhappy and the emotions we feel only aggravate the mental clutter that is already there.

What Decluttering Is NOT Decluttering is not just necessary, it’s satisfying. To feel like an immense weight has been lifted off your mind is liberating. Your mind is not an abandoned attic. It’s not a place you can come and dump your thoughts, hoping they will either go away on their own or that you’ll forget about them. The emotions, dreams, goals, unfulfilled desires, past memories are all still going to be there, and they’ll continue to be there until you find a way to properly process and organize the thoughts you have. When you spring clean your home, doesn’t it make you feel good to toss out all that unnecessary junk? That’s the same thing you need to do with your mind. Toss out all the unnecessary and organize what remains.

Mental Decluttering Is: Confronting Your Feelings Sweeping them under the rug is not going to work. That strategy has never worked, and it never will. Avoidance and denial are two coping mechanisms you need to leave behind because trying to conceal your emotions is only going to lead to emotional and mental fatigue. The thought of confronting your unpleasant emotions sounds dreadful, but it is a necessary part of the decluttering process. Suppressing your emotions prevents your brain from doing a good job of thinking clearly.

Mental Decluttering Is Not: Avoiding Worry Altogether Like negativity, worry is not something you can avoid entirely. There will be moments where you are bound to worry, it’s an inevitable part of life. Mental decluttering is not about running away or trying to deny and block out worry altogether, but to try and be more proactive about it. Instead of letting the worry take over your entire day, keep your mind organized by allowing yourself time to worry before you return to your other tasks. In between tasks, pick a time that works best, and schedule 5 to 10 minutes specifically for your worries.

There is always going to be something to worry about. You can’t avoid worry forever, so what you’re doing to do instead is to be more proactive about it. Instead of letting the worry take over your entire day, keep your

mind organized by allowing yourself time to worry before you return to your other tasks. Rehash your concerns, but think about solutions instead of distorting those thoughts and making yourself feel worse. Train your brain to be solution-oriented instead of circling over the same worry repeatedly. This keeps the worries from spinning out of control and distracting you throughout the day so you can still stay on top of everything you need to do and process your worries without neglecting them.

Mental

Decluttering

Is:

Tidying

Up

Your

Environment The environment you spend the most time in is going to have the biggest influence on your psyche. It’s not a good thing that we have that become so used to our environment being noisy, hectic, stressful, and messy that we don’t even notice it anymore. There’s a good chance at least one area (if not several) of your home that is cluttered with far too much stuff.

How did it get to such an extent? Well, for one thing, most of us are far too busy these days, rushing from one appointment to the next. We spend long days at the office and by the time we get home, we’re too exhausted to do anything else. Another thing is that cleaning is not exactly an activity many look forward to, and when you procrastinate and keep putting off cleaning the mess around your home, that’s how clutter starts to build. The bigger the mess, the longer it is going to take you to clean. A 5-minute cleanup is now going to take 2-3 hours to get done when the mess has grown far too big.

Both your home and your mind are like a boat on the ocean. Keep pilling clutter in that boat it will eventually sink to the bottom under the weight of it all.

Mental Decluttering Is Not: Limited to Materialistic Possessions Decluttering is not limited to removing the excess physical items around your home. In fact, mental decluttering encompasses all aspects of your life. Everything that we’re exposed to, everything we do, everything we say or think affects the brain in one way or another. Mental decluttering is also about eliminating toxic relationships, old ideas, and bad habits. Anything in your environment that is negative needs to be eliminated. This includes any toxic individuals who happen to be in your life.

Can Decluttering Change Your Life? It’s hard to make a fresh start when your old worries still maintain their hold on you. Every new year, most people begin with a list of new year resolutions enthusiastically prepared. Motivations run high and we all intend to keep see these resolutions through in the end. But as the year goes on, the initial excitement slowly wanes and we find ourselves slipping back into old habits. Slowly, the lack of motivation begins creeping into the other areas of your life. You find it hard to get anything done, productivity is running low, you’re easily distracted, you feel tired all the time, you’ve lost your sense of purpose and thoughts of the past still haunt you. Without decluttering your mind, you’ll be trapped in this toxic cycle of thought forever, wasting several good years of your life feeling unhappy.

Decluttering mentally (and physically) is going to change your life. Clutter is unnecessary work, and unnecessary work only leads to stress. It’s a burden to take on more than you can handle, and when the mess gets so bad you feel overwhelmed, there’s only one thing left to do. Free yourself. Clutter is distracting and annoying, causing far too much negativity that we don’t need. Instead of agonizing, it’s time to start organizing. Besides the obvious benefit of having a cleaner environment and a happier mind, decluttering is the solution you’ve been looking for and this is why it’s going to benefit your life:

More Room for What Matters - Purging the unnecessary out of your life, both physical and mental, you’re creating space. That space

makes you feel like you can breathe again. Accumulating physical items makes it even harder for us to let go and we hold on to things sometimes not because of the memory attached to it but because we always think “What if I need this tomorrow or next week or next year?”. Be honest though, how many times have you actually needed the items you’re holding on to “just in case”? You already have everything you need to survive and be happy, and those are the items you use daily. If you’re not using it regularly, you don’t need it.

A Greater Sense of Happiness - With a better focus on what’s important in life, mental and physical decluttering also brings you joy because you have a better focus on things that matter. You’re more efficient, concentrate better, and you know what your priorities are. You find yourself enjoying life because you’re now free from what was making you unhappy in the past.

Peace of Mind - A noisy mind is one that can never be at peace. How could you be when your thoughts are either making you anxious or worried or both. We create a lot of stress for ourselves and the attachment to materialism certainly doesn’t help matters either. Buying more stuff doesn’t make us happy. Maybe it does at the time of purchase, but that feeling soon fades away. Materialism is nothing more than trying to fill an empty void we don’t want to deal with, and once you start embracing this reality, it’s easier to let go of everything that weighs you down.

It Changes the Way You Think – It’s hard to ever truly feel happy if you continue to anchor your happiness to external possessions. Decluttering your mind changes the way that you think, and you begin to find happiness from within instead of relying on materialism and frivolous world possessions that never last for long. When there are fewer distractions in your life, you will be able to shift your focus on what truly matters in your life. For example, your health, your well-being, your family, your friends, your partner, your spouse, your pets, your hobbies, your passion, and all the other things will start to take precedence once again in your life and these are the things that you should be valuing more than how many shiny new object or clothes you were able to purchase.

Greater Efficiency - Suddenly, with a lot less stuff in your life you find yourself becoming a lot more efficient than what you were before. You can concentrate better, your priorities more in focus, you find yourself feeling lighter, happier, and able to work a lot more efficiently and make more productive use of your time because you have less things around you that distract you. You will find yourself managing your time more efficiently with less distractions, and you won’t feel as pressure as you once did before because of this. You will be able to accomplish more, feel more productive, and you won’t feel as pressed for time as you once did because there is nothing that is distracting you from what you should be doing.

Setting an Example for Future Generations - Whether you have kids right now or in the future, you’ll be setting a good example when you live a simple, clutter-free, uncomplicated life. You’ll be teaching them valuable life lessons, to see that material possessions are not responsible for bringing you happiness, and to be happy and grateful for the things which they already possess in their lives. It helps them

to value what they have more, and learn to distinguish between needs and wants.

Does Decluttering Help You Become a More Efficient Learner? Yes, it does. The biggest productivity killer we’re faced with today is distractions. Even more so because we’re carrying the primary source of distraction with us all day and every day. Our mobile phones. They also happen to be the cause of a lot of the mental clutter we deal with. Social media is one of the many culprits that make it difficult to focus long enough to learn any new skill. So, it makes sense that to enhance productivity and our capacity for learning, we need to eliminate the distractions that are making it hard to do so.

Learning becomes easier with a clear purpose in your life and without the unnecessary distractions stealing your focus. With less mental clutter weighing on your mind, it paves the way for neuroplasticity to take place. Neuroplasticity is the foundation of all learning and it also creates an amazingly resilient brain in the process. Neuroplasticity is your brain’s ability to change its physical structure and function based on life experiences, thoughts, emotions as well as repetitive behaviors. What we do on a daily basis whether good or bad gets wired into our system and the structure of our brain because of this ability. Learning to control our minds is one of the most difficult things we can do. It’s easy to let our thoughts get the best of us, which is why it is so easy to be consumed by negativity and external circumstances can affect us to such an extent. Want to create a happier life? Start by getting rid of anything that is unhelpful for your brain.

How Do You Start Decluttering? When you’ve got so many things going on inside your head that you feel you can’t think straight anymore, it’s a clear sign to declutter. Think about the last time you cleared your home or your workspace and the way that it made you feel. How it felt so much easier to think somehow, just by changing your external environment. Without a lot of stimuli going on, it became easier to feel a lot calmer, more focused and thus, more productive. Now, it is just as important to do the same for your mental state. As a society, we are more distracted today than we have ever been. It’s becoming increasingly harder to focus, and we’re not finding the fulfillment or happiness that we seek.

Minimalism has become a growing trend to fill this need. Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus, the people behind “The Minimalists”, define this concept as: “A tool to rid yourself of life’s excess for focusing on what’s important—so you can find happiness, fulfillment, and freedom.” But what a lot of people don’t foresee is that is easier to get rid of the physical clutter than it is to get rid of your mental clutter. Nobody ever wakes up in the morning wanting to be overwhelmed mentally. Nobody wants to deal with self-doubt or fear or negativity. Nobody jumps out of bed in the morning thinking I want to feel stress or I want to overthink today. The thoughts responsible for these negative emotions come and go, but they do cause excess clutter in the mind when they’re present. The thing is, you can never stop your thoughts from coming. Not 100% at least. A brain is an active machine and it is going to keep thinking as long as we live. Thoughts will

come and go as long as we have the ability to think, so the question becomes what can we do to free some space in our mind? How do we stop a lot of excess waste in our thinking?

There’s a three-step approach to this:

Step 1: Edit the Story - Whenever you feel anxious, stressed or overwhelmed, that’s an indication that you’re not thinking minimally at that moment. Most of the stress we feel does not stem from reality, but rather the stories we allow to formulate in our mind. It’s the stories that we believe about our reality that get us worked up, so the next time you feel this way, pause and write down all the thoughts you’re having. Every single one of them. Write down why you’re frustrated or worried, what triggered those emotions, who or what caused you to feel this way, what are you worried about, why do you think the outcome is going to be negative. Write down everything you’re thinking, capturing all your thoughts on paper so you can see very clearly the kind of story that is playing out in your mind. Don’t filter it, just write it, no matter how bad you think it sounds. Once you’re done and you can’t think of what else to write, go back over the whole narrative you wrote and with a red pen, start crossing out everything that is not based on facts. Ask yourself “What do I know to be true?” and anything that is not based on facts, cross it out.

Here’s an example of what this would look like. You’re at work and you’re stressed because your boss just called to check on how you’re coming along with a project you’re rushing to complete. Thoughts begin to flood your mind: “My boss is a micromanager. He’s calling

to check on me. He’s not happy with my work, that’s why he’s doing this. He’s going to kick me off the project for running behind on the deadline.” Once you start crossing out anything that is not based on fact, what you might be left with looks something like this: “My boss called to check on the project. I’m running behind on my deadline”. See how the excess thoughts are removed and you’re only left with two that are based on facts? The facts will be based on truth and shouldn’t cause any excess fear or anxiety. Once you start focusing on the facts, the decision about what to do next becomes clear. In this scenario, it would be you’re running behind on your project, so what can you do to catch up again.

Avoid Jumping to Conclusions - When something happens to you, avoid jumping to conclusions and predictions about what the future might bring. If something happens and your first reaction is to start thinking about what a disaster it is and envisioning scenarios about how it could all go badly, that’s an indication you’re not thinking clearly. When you start piling on the assumptions, that’s when the stress starts to come in and your mind becomes increasingly cloudy. Once again, to declutter your mind get your piece of paper and draw two columns on it. In one column, write down what happened. For instance, a co-worker who walked right past you without saying hello to you. That happens all the time, they could be busy or preoccupied, so that incident shouldn’t cause any undue stress since there’s a perfectly good explanation for it.

Now, in your second column, write down the assumptions or conclusions your mind went to as a result of that encounter. Write

down any thought you have, such as: “That coworker was rude. That person might be angry with me. Was it something I did or said? Why didn’t they say hello to me? Don’t they like me anymore? I feel annoyed that they didn’t stop to say hello. That coworker is so stuck up ever since they got that promotion”.

If you believe all the

assumptions that you just wrote down, you’re going to quickly start to feel overwhelmed. Your mind is going to convince you that the coworker doesn’t like you, even if that is not true at all. Again, you’re going to have to go back to focusing on what is based on fact. If a thought has no factual proof to it, you need to toss it out before it causes unnecessary clutter in your brain.

Conscious Journaling - You could use a pen or notebook for this exercise, and what you want to do is write without filtering all the thoughts that are running through your mind at the time. This process is called conscious journaling. It’s like a brain dumping exercise, where you open the floodgates of your mind and let a stream of thoughts pour out on paper. The act of putting your thoughts into words causes your brain to slow down enough so you can write them down. Once they’re out of your mind, it’s easier to move on and forget about them. Almost like you have given them an external outlet and your brain is now free to move on to something else, leaving those thoughts behind on paper. You don’t need to reread these thoughts immediately either. Close your notebook or gather your papers and put them aside, going on with the rest of your routine.

What’s Next? Understanding the reason why it’s so important to keep your mind and your environment free of clutter is the only way to motivate yourself to stick to this process for the long-haul. Decluttering both physically and mentally is a repetitive process, one that you need to repeat as regularly as possible so the clutter never gets a chance to accumulate to a point where it starts becoming problematic. The anxiety caused by a messy environment could eventually lead to more serious mental health issues down the road, and it is simply not worth it. It’s not something that is worth sacrificing your happiness for.

Set a goal for yourself to work on decluttering your mind one step at a time. A little bit each day. Create a routine for yourself until decluttering regularly starts to become a habit. Be willing to adapt and adjust as you go, be flexible with the changes you need to make. Most importantly, be committed to the decluttering process:

Don’t Store It, Toss It - If you have not used it for the past six months to 1 year, time to say goodbye. Less is more in this case. If there’s a need to get something for a one-time occasion- borrow it. Stop the clutter from piling up in your home again by only sticking to the essentials you need to survive and be happy with.

Regular Purging - Regularly check-in and do an evaluation of your environment. Sometimes, things may pile up without you even

realizing it, especially your items of clothing, so regularly purging, perhaps twice a year, is a good thing. As for the mental decluttering process, this can be done a lot more frequently by simply checking in with yourself at least once a week and writing down all your thoughts. Remember, keeping your emotions bottled up inside is never a good thing.

Being Grateful - Most of us are blessed in more ways than we can’t count. Unfortunately, the physical and mental clutter we’re surrounded with has made us lose sight of that face. As you work on decluttering your mind and your life a little bit at a time, you will soon come to remember what matters the most to you, and part of that process will be to remember to be grateful for everything that you have in your life. When you learn to appreciate everything that you already have, you’ll fewer reasons cling to what does not bring you joy.

Chapter 118: Building a Decluttering Mindset Fixing a problem requires understanding. Identifying the root cause of the problem is the only way to deal with the issue once and for all. It’s not enough to limit yourself to addressing the obvious causes. There’s an underlying core problem behind every issue we deal with, and the only way to effectively solve the problem long-term is to tackle the issue at its core.

In the case of a cluttered mind, we need to stop and ask ourselves why this is happening? What is the root cause of this thought that is taking up so much space in our minds? Is this thought justifiable or based on truth? Take a moment to question if your worry is viable, or if it is an unfounded worry. If you observe this thought (or several thoughts) keeps repeating itself, ask why and what is the underlying trigger? Suppressing your emotions and thoughts is only going to make things much worse for you because you are not really treating the root cause of the problem, you are just trying to avoid it for as long as you possibly can and the anxiety and worry, in the end, never really goes away.

Recognizing Mental Clutter What is mental clutter exactly? It is more than just feeling like your head is packed to the brim with thoughts and ideas that have no place to go. It’s more than a brain that is constantly overthinking, churning out one thought after another with seemingly no break in between. Mental clutter is:

The constant worries you have about what may or may not happen. The regrets you harbor about the past or the missed opportunities you wished you had taken when you had the chance. The ending list of things to do that you’re dreading or not looking forward to. The unfinished business that keeps weighing on your mind, like the email you forgot to send or the bills you forgot to pay. Being critical, complaining, and indulging in other bad habits that encourage negative energy. The need to strive for perfectionism and set unrealistic standards, and then being hard on ourselves when we fail to live up to those expectations.

Why We Live with Cluttered Minds & What Causes It A cluttered mind is one that can never truly be at peace. It feels like a constant battle to remain present and enjoy the moment when your thoughts are fighting for your attention. All it takes is one, two, or several thoughts to immediately pull you back into the past, or have you ruminating about the future, neither of which is helpful when both scenarios are out of your control. The only thing this state of mind is doing is distracting you from living in the present and being fully committed to what you’re supposed to be doing now. We have the power to control our thoughts, not the other way around. Before we do, we need to understand why we live with a cluttered mindset to begin with.

The self-awareness that is gained from identifying the core problem behind many of your unhelpful thoughts is the only way to fully gain control of your mind for good. Mental and emotional clutter can be just as unhealthy and damaging, perhaps even more so, than the physical clutter that surrounds us. So, where does our mental clutter come from?

Excessive Stress - These days, it’s the primary reason why so many deals with anxiety. Anxiety is a common disorder prevalent in the United States, and the stress created by all that information overload, too many choices and physical clutter can trigger a range of mental health problems like overthinking panic attacks and depression, thanks to the build-up of mental clutter in the mind.

Feeling Overwhelmed - Feeling overwhelmed by everything you’ve got on your plate can serve to escalate your anxiety and worries, thus spewing all sorts of thoughts that start piling up in your mind if there is no healthy way to channel them. When it feels like you’ve got a lot to think or worry about, knowing where to begin can feel like a huge hurdle on its own. Even more so when you feel pressured to try and handle it all at once by yourself. Waking up every day feeling like there’s so much to do and not enough time to get it done can be stressful.

You’ve Got Too Many Commitments - It’s a common problem among those who have a hard time learning to say “no”. You feel like the “bad guy” when you do, and you start worrying about what people are going to think about you when you say no. If you’re don’t learn to stand your ground, you’re going to easily be pushed around by those with stronger personalities and you’re always going to be at the mercy of someone else’s agenda. You cannot please everyone. It is simply not possible.

You’re Afraid - You’re afraid to face what you cannot control, and you’re not alone in this fear either. That’s why so many people worry about what the future holds and why not everyone is willing to make the necessary changes that are needed. Not everyone has the mental strength and the willpower needed to face their fears and not let their worries consume them to the point where they are paralyzed by it. Your mind is always going to be afraid of what it cannot control or what it does not know, and if you don’t learn to rid your mind of the unhelpful clutter that fear causes, your thoughts are always going to get the best of you in every situation.

You’re Overloaded - Doing too much and even thinking too much can cause emotional and mental burnout. It takes a lot of energy to be processing thoughts almost constantly from the time you wake up. We’re awake for several hours a day, that’s a lot of work that the brain has to do, and a cluttered mind uses a lot more energy than a mind that is calm, focused and peaceful. Unfortunately, most of us are stretched too thin these days, juggling the pressures of both our professional and personal lives, and if you don’t give yourself enough time or space to think and properly process your thoughts, it can quickly start to feel like your head is going to explode.

Poor Time Management - Poor time management is almost always linked to bad procrastination habits. If you’re guilty of leaving things to the last minute more often than you’d like to admit, this is probably one of the many reasons why you feel stressed and mentally “blocked” at times. Because of all that clutter in your mind, you spend far too much time trying to plan your solutions instead of taking any action. Your thoughts have caused you enough worry that you’re afraid of making mistakes, and that fear is starting to hold you back. Mistakes are not always avoidable, sometimes you need to do your best and hope that your best is going to be good enough. Perfectionists in particular struggle with this a lot. If we use all of our time to make a perfect plan, then there is no time left to execute it. Perfectionists can set unreachable goals for themselves sometimes, and then it hits them hard if they fail to accomplish those goals because of that high level of expectation they set for themselves. In doing so, they open the door and invite unhelpful thoughts into their minds until it slowly starts to feel cramped up there.

Past Negative Experiences - Making mistakes is how we learn. Everyone makes mistakes. The problem is, some people deal with it better than others do. The ones who deal with it well can learn from their mistakes, analyze what went wrong and where they need to do better, and then move on from there to focus on the next task at hand. The ones who don’t feel with mistakes as well entertain thoughts that diminish their confidence and self-esteem. The kind of thoughts that take up residence in your mind and refuse to leave unless you actively push them out through the decluttering process. Being haunted by past mistakes is something you need to work on overcoming. Any thoughts of the past that continue to haunt you must be let go of.

Changes in Life - Not everyone adapts to change well and handles it easily. Significant life changes can cause a lot of mental clutter when you’re not equipped with the right mental and emotional tools you need to process and deal with this change in a healthy way. Some people find it hard to address the changes that have taken place in their life and they begin to resist these changes instead of embracing them. They stick to old habits that no longer work and let the frustration build up when they realize their old ways are no longer working.

The Effect of Stress on Your Body Chronic and excessive stress. The other consequence of mental clutter we don’t pay enough attention too. As normal as stress is, it isn’t good for the body. There’s a reason they call it the silent killer. It seems like a strong term, but it is apt in describing what stress can do to you. It is a silent killer because you don’t see it coming until it’s too late. Stress can come from several sources. It can emotional, job-related, or even physical. It is the way the human body responds to demands or threats. Some stress can be a good thing, but being constantly under stress for long periods of time could lead to several negative effects on the body. When you’re faced with any emotional, mental, or physical stress, your sympathetic nervous system sends a signal to your brain’s hypothalamus, which is is the part of the brain that controls our emotional responses and the release of hormones in the body. These same hormones are responsible for triggering the fight or flight response. While this response was initially designed as a way of protecting and preparing our bodies to react quickly in the case of an emergency, staying in this state for prolonged periods could put you at risk of some major health concerns.

Some examples of what stress does to the body include:

Increased anger Abuse of substances like tobacco, drugs or alcohol, often as crutches to deal with stress Overeating or undereating

Less and less social interactions More arguments Less exercise Isolating yourself from others Sleeping too little or too much Demotivated Loss of sense of humor Depression Moodiness Irritability Catastrophic thinking Panic Cynicism Anxiety Feeling overwhelmed Frustration Memory problems Poor judgment Inability to concentrate ‘Brain Fog’ Indecision Starting many tasks but achieving little Self-doubt

Chronic stress, when manifested physically, can lead to the following physical problems:

Headaches Heartburn Rapid breathing Increased risk of heart attacks Increased depression Insomnia Rapid heart rate Fertility problems Erectile dysfunction Missed periods Weaker immune system High blood pressure and high blood sugar Stomach aches Lower sex drive Tension in the muscles

Stress is more than just an emotion you feel when you’re under pressure or feeling overwhelmed. This hardwired physical response travels through the entire body. Our bodies were not meant to endure this primitive fight or flight response for too long because of the damage that it does to the internal organs. The stress hormones that are released by the adrenal gland are cortisol, adrenalin (epinephrine), and norepinephrine. As the hormones travel through your bloodstream, they reach the heart and blood vessels. The adrenaline causes your heart to pump faster and raises your blood pressure, which in turn causes hypertension over time. Cortisol also causes the endothelium (inner lining of the blood vessels) to function abnormally. Clearly, prolonged chronic stress does not bode well for the body.

Decluttering Mentally Decluttering is not an easy process for everyone. Even after cleaning and clearing your physical space, life can still feel chaotic if your mental space is a mess. We don’t spend enough time looking internally and don’t spend enough time flushing out the negativity to make room for positivity. There are always going to be a lot of things coming in and out of your headspace, and it is important to create a habit of decluttering mentally and taking out what you don’t need to make room for the things that do - in the words of Marie Kondo - “spark joy”. Harboring so much negativity and unnecessary is going to continue to make you miserable, and most of the time we don’t even realize these thoughts are festering in our minds until we actively practice mindfulness.

Decluttering mentally is going to be emotional, maybe even painful, and it is going to be difficult. Decluttering the mind would take on the same approach you would use if you were decluttering any physical space around you. You need to dump everything out to create free space.

Controlling the Information You Receive - When you’re on a diet, you think about what you’re consuming and what you’re putting into your body. You make sure that you’re only putting nutritious food in your body. This is exactly what you need to do for your mind. To be aware of the information you consume and avoid information that is nothing more than useless junk. For example, the things you find on social media. That information is not exactly beneficial, and it won’t drastically improve your life in any significant way, yet we spend

hours on these social media platforms, and we allow ourselves to be affected by what we see on it. Staying away from the drama and anything that you don’t have control over is one way of controlling the clutter that accumulates in your mind. It’s nothing more than junk food for the brain, and if the news is not benefitting you, then it’s not worth paying attention to.

Bring Balance Back into Your Life - The reason why so many people feel as burned out as they do is that they keep sprinting. They sprint from one place to the next, they sprint from one appointment to the next, spring from one task to the next with no time in between to settle down and take a moment to let themselves breathe and recharge. You’re making far too many sacrifices and it’s starting to take its toll on you mentally. Understandably, there are times when you need to make these sacrifices and these sprints to get ahead in life or bring you one step closer to your goal. But the key to bringing balance back in your life is knowing when you need to sprint and when you need to step back and learn to take care of yourself first.

Re-Establish Your Routine - It’s easy for a routine to fall by the wayside when you’re distracted by your thoughts and the mental distractions going on in your head. Not having a routine might not seem like a big deal, but it actually makes you less effective in the long run. Our brains need organization, and it needs a working system it can depend on. Having a routine ensures that you’re maximizing your hours and when you get things done efficiently, you’re less stressed and you don’t feel like you’re constantly chasing the clock or running out of time. Design a morning routine and a daily routine. This way, even if you have a lot to do, you’ve got a working system that lets you get things done in the most efficient way possible.

Have A Trusted System - Have a trusted system for how you take in information, process it, store it. This system needs to be something that works for you. Everyone has a specific way of doing things, so what works for you might not work for someone else. The reason you find it difficult to let go of your unhelpful thoughts is that you haven’t quite latched onto a system that works for you. Or the current system you have for regulating your thoughts is not working well. An example of a trusted system is to have a weekly review. If you can find the time to do this every day, that’s great but if you don’t, doing it once a week is good enough. Even something as simple as 5 to 10minutes a day for reflecting is good enough to start. Often, our internal conflict, thoughts, and worries can seem magnified - possibly worse - when they’re bottled up inside our minds with no escape outlet. A regular review or reflection process is a process you’re going to find helpful in this case.

Say No When You Need To - Your feelings and your emotions matter just as much as anyone else’s and they should never take a back seat. If saying yes is going to cause you more stress than you’re willing to deal with, then say no and don’t feel guilty about it. Respect your emotions enough to stand firm on your boundaries and say no to anything that is not going to make you happy. You owe it to yourself to prioritize your happiness now, and it’s time to take control of the stressful clutter your mind has been dealing with for far too long. Make yourself happy first before working on making others happy.

The Pomodoro Technique - In 1955, Cyril Northcote Parkinson coined a phrase known as the “Parkinson Law” in one of the essays he wrote. He wrote: “Work expands so as to fill the time available for

its completion”. What this means is that the more time we allocate for completing a task or project, we end up taking more time to complete it. Hence, many at times we feel that we can’t complete a task even if we thought we have given ourselves ample time to work on it. In the end, the only way we can negate this is to put stricter deadlines and really push yourself to complete them. That’s where the “Pomodoro Technique” comes in to play. This system was introduced in the late 1980s by a man called Francesco Cirillo. This technique is a time management technique that focuses on grouping tasks into 25-minute time blocks. For each 25-minute block, you will be allocated a 5minute break. Once you complete four 25 minute windows in succession, you are allowed a longer break which is usually between 15 to 30 minutes. During these breaks, take the time to recharge and give yourself some space to re-center and find your focus again. Use this time to relax and clear your mind of anything that might be bothering you, so you come back fresh and ready to focus again.

Focus on Life’s Priorities Who would have thought that having more options could be a problem? The “Paradox of Choice” is a term that was coined by psychologist Barry Schwartz, a term he used to summarize his findings on how having too many choices leads to greater levels of dissatisfaction, anxiety, indecision, and paralysis. Almost as if the freedom of choice is a double-edged sword. As much as we revere our ability to choose the path, we believe is best, having too many options to deal with can be a burden. Having a lot more choice is great and might objectively yield better results, but it is not a guarantee that you’re going to be happy. There’s always going to be the worry about whether you made the right choice, which triggers another round of stressful emotions.

Which makes identifying your priorities an important skill you need to learn to organize your mind and your time. As much as we would like to give equal weight to all the tasks we need to take on, the reality is we can’t. There’s only so much that we can fulfill in a day, and to make the most out of your day, you need to overcome the paradox of choice by focusing on what your priorities are. You need to accept that you can’t do it all, and that’s okay. If you use your time wisely, you still have the ability to accomplish anything that you set your mind to. Your life consists of several categories:

The Important Things - Family, friendships, relationships.

The Second Most Important Things - Your career, the house you live in, the car that gets you from one place to the next. The Small Stuff - Everything else that you’ve got going on in your life that you need to do to survive and make it through the day. For example, the errands you run and the appointments you need to fulfill.

If you spend too much time on the small stuff that doesn’t matter as much, you’re not going to have time for the important things that make you happy. A happier life and a clearer mind begin when you start paying attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Taking care of the important things first by setting your priorities and everything else will fall into place. You know what you’re supposed to do, and the reason you still find yourself struggling is that you’re not focusing on your priorities. You’re getting distracted by all the noise and mental clutter that’s going on. People don’t do what they know they should be doing. No wonder we spend so much of our time feeling frustrated and overwhelmed.

Today, more than ever, we need to have these priorities to help us spend our time in the best and most productive way. With a lot to do, the last thing you want is to be wasting too much time on projects or tasks that don’t add value to your life. Time and energy are your most valuable resource, and every moment you spend worrying is another moment you’re wasting these precious resources that you can never get back. The simplest way to begin decluttering your mind from the worries that weigh you down is to make

your life more fulfilling and this is how you start focusing on your priorities daily:

Define What Is Urgent - These are the tasks that require your immediate attention and have immediate consequences.

Define What Is Important - These are the tasks that help you achieve your long-term goals and values. The important tasks are the ones that will have a big impact on your life, but since these tasks sometimes have no clear deadline and the consequences are not immediate, it’s easier to procrastinate on them.

Each day, you need to make a to-do list. The items on that to-do list must be placed into one of the four categories on a matrix known as the Eisenhower Matrix. You might have come across this term if you read Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Covey talks about the Eisenhower Matrix helps you quickly identify the activities that you need to focus on when you’re pressed for time.

Important/Urgent - The first box of the matrix is for your important and urgent tasks with immediate consequences. For example, medical emergencies or project deadlines. The strategy to tackle these tasks is to do it first and do it immediately.

Important/Not Urgent - Health, relationships, goals, ambitions, and dreams are examples of what falls under the next box in the matrix. The important, but not pressingly urgent tasks. The action step in this box is to schedule and decide when you execute the steps you need to take. Since they are still classified as important, you still need to act as soon as possible, but you don’t need to do it immediately.

Urgent/Not Important - Items in this category could include random phone calls, unplanned interruptions to your workflow, and the emails that you get. To identify the items that fall under this category is easy. They usually involve other people’s priorities. To tackle the tasks in this box, either delegate or reschedule them to a later time if they don’t directly result in a consequence for you.

Not Urgent/Not Important - The fourth and final box is where everything else in your life would come in. Checking social media, watching TV, and other unimportant things that take up time, but don’t contribute anything significant to your goals. Items in this box are usually tempting and hard to resist since they require a lot less effort. You have the choice of deciding to either do it later or avoid it entirely.

There’s something else you need to do too: Decide if you act or react. To act, you need to know with certainty what is important to you and what results you’re aiming for. Without that, it’s easy to get into a reactive mode and let the unimportant things direct your thoughts and actions. Once you know what your priorities are, organize your life around them. That gives your mind something to focus on and it is less likely to entertain the

unhelpful thoughts that come and go through your mind. Focusing on your priorities is about respecting your time and defining your priorities is the way to do it.

Identify Your Core Values Do you know who you are? If you had to think about three to five words that defined who you are, what would they be? We think we know who we are, but it suddenly becomes hard to find the words to define it when your mind is cluttered by confusion, doesn’t it? What has been controlling your life? What’s the invisible force that has been behind most of the decisions you make? What is this force that helps you decide what the right thing to do is? Core values.

Core values are defined as the principles that guide and dictate human behavior and action. They help you identify the difference between right and wrong, serving as a moral compass that helps you make better decisions when you need to. Your core values are the foundation your life is built on and if you imagined what your core values looked like; you would imagine yourself as a tree with the core values acting as the roots that keep you stable. Without these roots, it would be easy to feel confused, dislodge, unsure of what to do, worried, anxious and overthinking. When you’ve got clear values, it’s easier to stand up for what you believe in, effectively pushing back against the negative and unhelpful thoughts that threaten to destroy your self-confidence. It’s easier to identify the reason why you reach a certain decision, or why you choose to act the way that you do.

Having a guiding philosophy gives you a sense of purpose, and it’s easier to remember what your priorities are too. They keep you focused and on track to becoming the person that you want to be. To live the life you’ve been

wishing for. When you live in alignment with your core values and live by a set of goals and priorities, you’re creating a mental environment for peace, calm, clarity, and most of all, happiness. To know when something feels wrong, you need a firm grasp of what is best for you. The core values, the sacred truths that define who you are no matter what happens or what situation you find yourself in, will never change.

A happier and clutter-free mind is born when you are living in alignment with your core values. That is, your values need to be supporting and pushing you to be the person you want to be. Core values need to exist. They need to be distinctive, and they need to be meaningful. They need to benefit every facet of your life, from the personal to the professional. If you haven’t determined what yours are yet, that’s okay. Without core values, there’s always going to be resistance. Life is always going to feel like it requires a lot more push and effort and willpower just to get anything done and that can be exhausting.

This is what happens to your life when you know what your values are:

You’re less likely to succumb to pressure or make impulsive decisions. You make better decisions and avoid the ones that conflict with core values and lead to unhappiness and a sense of frustration. It reminds you to put your expectations and needs first.

It makes the decision process a lot easier. process. If a decision or action aligns with your values, then go ahead and do it. If it doesn’t, you don’t do it. Simple.

Creating the life you want is not as impossible as it seems. Find your core values and identify what your priorities are because these are the elements that hold strong in your life and keep you grounded. Particularly in times of stress when you need them the most. Your core values and priorities draw a line in the sand and make it clear what you’re willing to accept in your life. Anything that doesn’t align with these elements must be eliminated, including the unhelpful thoughts that serve no real benefit.

Chapter 119: Decluttering Your Space Sometimes, we forget that living in an environment that is messy, cluttered, filthy and disorganized, can take its toll. There is no one out there who will tell you they like feeling overwhelmed. The word alone invokes feelings of unpleasantness, isolation, and failure. Almost like you feel disappointed with yourself for being unable to cope. That’s the word you’re going to be using a lot, though, if you live in the kind of environment that is described above. Walking into your garage, you can’t find anything that you’re looking for and it’s a struggle to maneuver past the boxes and piles of stuff that are scattered all over the place. You open your drawers and there’s a pile of items scattered in there you don’t even use anymore. Doing a quick inventory of your home might surprise you with several items you don’t recall buying. That’s the thing about stuff. It tends to pile up and if you’re like so many others out there, it’s hard to let go.

Feeling “overwhelmed” by the clutter that surrounds our lives has become a common dirty little secret. Most of us go through it, but nobody likes to talk about it because talking about it means you’ve got to admit you have a clutter problem. A lot of us have this obsessive need to fill everything we have. We fill our houses, our cars, our offices, our workstations, our mobile phones, tablets, laptops, storage units, cupboards, shelves, and we fill both our minds and our hearts with unnecessary clutter. It’s more than we can manage, and it’s no wonder we feel as overwhelmed as we do. Why do we continuously keep taking more? Because we believe “more” will lead to

happiness. We believe if we buy the latest mobile phone, we’re going to be happy. If we buy the newest car on the market, we’re going to be happy. A new watch, a new pair of jeans, shoes, items for the home. Advertisements and commercials often portray a feeling of happiness when we purchase their product or engage in their services. Does retail therapy really make us happy? On some level, it does, but it’s not the kind of happiness that lasts for long.

We keep buying and collecting believing with each new purchase that it’s going to finally make us happy. In reality, all it does is perpetuate the overwhelming feeling we already have. The words “clutter”, “decluttering” and “minimalism” has exploded in today’s society because this is a very real problem. We know by now that clutter is not limited to the physical belongings that clog up our space, it could be digital, mental, spiritual, and emotional. The physical clutter is the one our minds automatically go to when we hear the term “clutter”. To tackle the other aspects of a cluttered life, you need to work on the physical and the rest will gradually fall into place. When your life is simpler, your brain automatically becomes less cluttered. Coming home to a space that is neat, organized, and with plenty of room to move around is a breath of fresh air after the noisy outside world you left behind when you walked in the front door.

Your House Is a Container We certainly treat it that way. Yes, we need to accept that our homes are a container. It’s where we keep everything that we own. What we need to learn how to do now is to stop the overabundance. Messiness, even the minor ones, eventually takes its toll. It may not seem like a small pile of stuff here and there scattered haphazardly around your home is going to cause any real damage, but every type of clutter demands your attention. It might not be conscious or mindful attention, but your brain is still processing these stimuli whether you’re paying attention or not.

Your house is a container, and if you’re not careful, it’s going to become a container that gets full to the brim pretty quickly. How do tell that you’re dealing with a serious clutter problem in your home? By following this general rule of thumb: If you need to move one thing to get to another, you have a clutter problem. You shouldn’t have to be shifting things around to access what you need. Everything should be accessible easily and quickly, every item should have a “home”, so to speak with everything in its place. There’s nothing wrong with owning stuff, and decluttering doesn’t mean you have to toss out more than half of your belongings either. Decluttering means choosing to keep what you need to be happy and nothing more. That’s it. You’re still going to own stuff, you’re just going to have less stuff, that’s the difference.

Your home is a container, and it happens to be one container you spend a lot of time in when you’re not at work. If this environment is constantly going

to overwhelm your brain, you’ll find it increasingly difficult to focus, make decisions, and the mental fatigue is going to leave you feeling exhausted and drained of energy all the time. In the pursuit of keeping up with this constant, on-the-go and hectic lifestyle, we have forgotten that there are other aspects of our life that need looking after. Our health, relationships, personal growth, and mental health have taken a backseat as we race for what else we can buy, who has what new item and finding reasons to constantly make new and unnecessary purchases we don’t need. We have become far too consumeristic and materialistic, and it is time to change all of that.

A home should be a space you look forward to coming back to each day. A space that makes you happy, lifts your mood and elevates your spirits. It should be your sanctuary, not a place that fills you with even more stress. To create such an environment, you need to accomplish two goals:

Simplicity for Greater Clarity - Get rid of anything that is unnecessary, that’s the rule of thumb for simplicity. If you don’t need it, then toss it (or donate it). One study done by Princeton University reveals that cleaning up the environment within your immediate field of vision can help prevent your brain from overloading. Without the brain fog, it becomes a lot easier to think clearly.

Break Away from Boredom - As much as we need routine, after a while it can become boring. When it does, you lose motivation and any desire to get things done. The American Psychological

Association believes that the reason you feel bored could be because what you’re doing now lacks purpose. Meaning there are steps in your daily routine or environment that don’t make you feel happy or fulfilled. Research done on this subject indicates that a change in your environment, even if it is a slight shift, might be what you need to change your outlook and get a different perspective on life. If your work desk is cluttered and makes you feel uninspired, clearing it out and leaving nothing more than your laptop and a notepad on it can leave you feeling rejuvenated. Your brain is processing this as something new, and that sparks excitement. It’s been a while since it saw a desk this empty and simplistic, and that change wakes the brain up, renewing your sense of purpose while it’s at it.

Valuing Space Over Stuff Space is an asset that is underrated. We put so much value on our material belongings that we forget the space we have is limited. There’s only so much your home, car, desk, garage, closet, and drawers can handle before it’s packed to the brim. Yet, we can’t seem to bring ourselves to stop buying. Space is no longer considered “space” when there’s no room to move around anymore. Have you ever felt that there was no room to breathe? Claustrophobic? Trapped? Confined, perhaps? That’s your brain trying to signal to you that there is too much going on. Now, compare those feelings to the way you feel after you’ve done a little spring cleaning. Do you breathe a sigh of relief? Immediately feel lighter? Better? If we learn how to place value on the precious space we have, then perhaps we wouldn’t be so quick to fill it up again as soon as we’ve made some room.

The benefits of valuing your space and decluttering go beyond trying to make your home look like something out of a Pinterest board. It’s the mental, physical, emotional and even financial benefits that you gain which makes this process worthwhile. Understandably, the thought of getting rid of most of what you have accumulated over the years can be daunting. Some people have a very strong emotional attachment to certain possessions that they own, even if they may not have used or touched those items in years. The question of “What if I need this?” is always going to linger at the back of your mind. But ask yourself this: Is the mess worth your stress?

Picture what it is going to be like to live in a home that is completely free of stress. To always know exactly where to find the stuff you need. No more feeling frustrated about misplacing items. No more hours spent searching high and low for what you need (ironically this always happens when you’re in a hurry). These are changes that you experience are going to be felt from within, and those are the changes that are more powerful than anything that takes place in your external surroundings. Decluttering brings you right back to what matters the most by reminding you that you don’t need to constantly rely on materialistic belongings to feel like a fulfilled and happy individual. Stress is the kryptonite of a productive lifestyle. Interesting enough, one 2011 study by the Princeton Neuroscience Institute discovered that clutter was the culprit if you found it difficult to focus on something without getting distracted easily. Basically, the more stress and stimuli overload you subject your brain to, the harder it’s going to be concentrate.

We all have different battles we’re fighting with clutter. Some are more physical, while others could be more emotional or mental. But once you start valuing your space, you’re going to see the following changes unfold:

You Feel a Greater Sense of Relief - Clearing away the clutter in your life is going to feel like a big weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Suddenly, you have room to breathe again once more. We often don’t realize just how much we are affected by the clutter and accumulation of possessions around us until we get rid of it and feel much better when we’ve tossed out a few items.

You’re Clearer About What You Don’t Want - As you methodically work through your items, you’ll start to realize which are the ones you value the most. Gaining clarity of what you don’t want simultaneously creates clarity about the things you do want. Decluttering seems like a simple enough exercise in clarity, but the ability to separate what you want from the things you don’t want will carry over into other areas of your life too.

You Feel Motivated Again - There’s an added benefit to being able to clearly identify what you want and what you don’t. Your motivation is reawakened, thanks to the newfound, clearer purpose in your life. Without the unnecessary distractions taking away your focus, you are once again able to see your purpose, remember what your goals are and what you want to accomplish.

You’re A Lot More Efficient - You are able to concentrate better, your priorities more in focus, you find yourself feeling lighter, happier, and able to work a lot more efficiently and make more productive use of your time because you have fewer things around you that distract you.

Less Stress Means Better Mental Health - Greater focus and clarity reminds you of what you have been neglecting all along. That you matter more than any material possessions you could possibly buy. The moment you start focusing on yourself again, your mental and physical health starts to shine because you’re working on becoming a better you. If you continued to live with stress, none of this would be possible.

How Do I Make My Home Clutter-Free? Decluttering the Junk in Your House Let’s get one thing clear right now. The odds that you’re ever going to need your “just in case” items are never or very, very unlikely. Be honest and ask yourself how many times has that actually happened? Where you needed to whip out your “just in case” items and thought to yourself “Wow! I’m really glad I held on to that all these years!”. You’re holding onto these items because of the sentimental or emotional value attached to it. To you, these items are memories, not clutter, and that’s understandable. Kick starting the process of getting rid of all that is unnecessary in your home is not going to be easy and it’s not going to be quick. Most people are going to run into three distinctive problems when they attempt to declutter for the first time:

They underestimate how much space the items take up. They ignore how much it costs to store them. They exaggerate or over-emphasize the possibility of needing it in the future.

To overcome these obstacles, you need a formula. A very distinctive formula, in fact. The formula is broken down into five steps:

Frequency - When you last used the item Regularity - How often you use the item Cost of Acquisition - How expensive or difficult it is to replace

Cost of Storage - The maintenance or storage costs linked to the item Cost of Retrieval - If it needs to be stored, what would it cost to retrieve the item when you need it? Is this item at risk of becoming obsolete or outdated?

Your formula, therefore, is the FR3C Formula above. To calculate if the item is worth keeping around, here’s what you need to do:

LOW (Frequency, Regularity, Acquisition) + HIGH (Storage and Retrieval) = Not Worth Keeping Around

Here’s an example of the formula at work:

Frequency: The last time you wore those shoes was 2 years ago (Low) Regularity: You only wore it once or twice (Low) Acquisition - These are easily replaced and not expensive (Low) Storage - It’s taking up unnecessary space in my closet that could be put to better use (High) Retrieve - Two-year-old shoes are probably outdated by now (High)

It’s a little harder to do this with items that hold sentimental value. For example, the gifts that you receive from the people you care about. But

think of it this way, if the item was given to you as a gift, it has already achieved what it was meant to do. Make you happy. Two years later, that gift is an item that is taking up space in your home because you never use it and you probably never will. That’s not going to change how you feel or the bond you have with the person who gave it to you. You still appreciate the thought. However, if the item is only adding to the clutter in your home, you might be better of donating it to someone else if you never plan to use it.

There are also three other rules you could follow to help you with the decluttering process. It’s a rule that minimalist advocates abide by to help them downsize their belongings and live a simpler, happier life:

The Rule of 10/10 The Rule of 20/20 The Rule of 90/90

The Rule of 10/10 Take a good look at every item you own. Give it some careful thought and then ask: How important is this item to me? Those material possessions which you worked so hard for, spent your hard-earned money on, scrimped

and saved to finally purchase, how much value does it really add to your life? Would you be surprised to find out that it matters less than you think? You might be with the 10/10 materialism rule.

Here’s how it works, take a pen and paper and write down the 10 most expensive items that you own within the last decade (10 years). Examples of this would be your car, laptop, mobile phone, any jewelry that was purchased, your home. List the 10 most expensive big-ticket purchases you made in the last 10 years. On another sheet of paper, make a new list, this time with the 10 things which add the most value and meaning into your life. For example, experiences like spending time with your loved ones on a vacation, or watching your kid’s dance recital, maybe even having a lovely meal and catch up session with your parents. Look at the two lists you’ve written down. They probably have absolutely nothing in common. Which list makes you happier? If it’s the latter, perhaps it’s clear that you might not need as much as you thought.

The Rule of 20/20 The first rule is going to eliminate the need for you to hold onto things under the “just in case I might need them” train of thought. The idea that you might need to hold onto your stuff in case there is ever a need in the far-off, hypothetical future where you may need it is how you end up with too much clutter. It’s time to do away with these items, and the 20/20 rule is where you begin. Start by getting rid of all the “just in case” items which

are under $20 dollars that you could easily replace in under 20 minutes. That way, if you ever find yourself in a predicament where you need one of these “just in case” items, you can easily replace them for under $20 dollars in under $20 minutes. Odds are that you won’t miss or ever need all the “just in case” items you have been holding onto, and you won’t need to replace them at all.

The Rule of 90/90 When we find ourselves face to face with all your possessions, suddenly determining which items are valuable and which are not becomes almost impossible. Simplifying your life might not be as straightforward as it sounds. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself stuck even before you’ve had a chance to properly start, particularly when you’re being faced with a whole pile of your belongings which you need to start sorting through. Letting go then, becomes a nearly impossible task, because how do you decide what you should get rid of and what you should keep?

Using the 90/90 rule. Pick a couple of items to start with and arrange them in front of you. Now, pick something. Anything you like, it doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you pick something. Once you’ve done that, think about the last time you used this. Was it within the last 90 days? If the answer is no, ask yourself if you are going to use it within the next 90 days. If the answer is still no, then let it go. The 90/90-day rule is just there to serve as a guideline, and you don’t necessarily have to follow those

numbers if they don’t work for you. It could be a 60/60-day rule, maybe even a 120/120-day rule.

Decluttering Your Home Office A desk that is neat, organized and tidy is not necessarily a prerequisite for great work or brilliant ideas, but it does help to have a workspace that free of distraction and with everything that you need within arm’s reach. When you’re rushing to meet a deadline and chasing the clock, a neat and organized desk can be a blessing and less of a stress factor. We don’t realize how much time gets wasted looking for items. How much time do you spend arranging and rearranging stuff around your home or your office workspace whenever you feel things are getting too messy? The more you own, the more time you end up wasting on doing unnecessary cleaning and clearing. The time that could be spent working on whatever it is you need to. Stuff demands more of our time than we realize. Want to increase productivity? Decluttering your workspace is a good place to start:

Decide What You Want from Your Desk - What do you envision when you think about the perfect work desk? Is it efficient? Clean? Everything within easy reach? An empty desk that follows a minimalist concept with nothing more than a phone, your computer and a notepad and pen? Your perfect desk probably doesn’t look like the mess it does now and once you know you want, it’s easier to work toward that goal and remove everything else that doesn’t contribute to that vision.

Return What You Borrow - Occasionally, you might need to borrow a thing or two from your colleague in the next cubicle. When you do, return it as soon as your done instead of leaving it on your desk and saying “I’ll get to it later”. Later might be full of distractions and

other things to do that you forget about returning that item altogether and guess what? That’s clutter you don’t need on your desk. Your new habit needs to be returning everything that does not belong to you as soon as you’re done with it if there are no immediate plans to use it anytime soon.

Tossing Out Your Trash - Bits and pieces of crumpled paper, brochures, sticky notes, maybe food wrappers from the lunch you had earlier but had no time to throw away just yet. Anything that is trash and not what you need for work, toss it out right away. Recycle anything that can be recycled, and make it a habit to now immediately toss out everything that you don’t need. This does seem like an obvious step, but until you actually declutter your desk, you’re not completely aware of how much your habits have desensitized you to the little bits and pieces of useless items that accumulate on your tabletop.

Group Similar Items Together - Follow the same concept that you do at home and assign everything on your desk a “home of its own”. Everything should have a home and if it doesn’t, reevaluate if you need it and whether it belongs on your desk. For example, stack your pens together in one holder, group similar file folders together, chuck your paper clips in another container just for them and put your other office supplies in another container. The same rule applies when you’re sorting out your desk drawers. Drawer dividers and separators are great at keeping things neat, tidy, and organized.

Set Up an Efficient Filing System - Think before you file and think before you pile is a good rule to follow when you’re working on

setting up an efficient filing system. A lot of what we end up filing probably never gets used again, and if during your decluttering process you come across files you forgot about, there’s a good chance you’re not going to need it anytime soon. If you think you still might but you don’t want to keep the hardcopy anymore, store in the cloud and shred the rest to minimize the clutter on your desk. What remains in your desk drawers should only be items that you’re going to reference frequently many times over.

Daily Use Items - Only keep on your desk what to plan to use every day. These are the only items that you need anyway to get your work done. Once you’re finished with the item, make it a habit of putting it away immediately before you move on to the next task at hand.

Keep Personal Items to A Minimum - Minimize the personal items so you can maximize productivity. Personal items may look good on your desk, but they are a distraction whether you realize it or not. Remember the brain takes in and absorbs more than we realize, and it is constantly working in the background, even when we’re not paying attention. If you must have something personal on your desk, limit it to one.

Tidy the Cables - A lot of cables going all over the place is not pleasant to look at. Where possible, go wireless, but if you can’t then try grouping your cables together using rubber bands or binding clips so they form a neat pile instead of being strewn all over the place. At least they won’t be in the way or run the risk of getting snagged on something else when you’re in a rush.

Ditching Doubles - If you’ve got duplicates of multiple items, ditch the duplicates because you don’t need them. You don’t need multiples of the same pen or stapler. You don’t need duplicates of notes or paperwork that is already in digital copy.

Clean Before You Leave - Before you pick up your bag and head out the door, clear out your desk and check your drawers for any leftover trash you might have missed when you were in a hurry during the day. There’s nothing worse than coming into the office the next day and already feeling stressed by the workload you see in front of you left over from yesterday. Spend a short 5 to 10-minutes at the end of the day just clearing everything away, you’ll feel a lot better when you do.

Changing Your Space to Change Your Mindset There’s enough research and science out there to prove there is definitely a link between the physical clutter we accumulate and the side effects that stem as a direct result from that clutter. Like an increase in anxiety levels, elevated stress levels, procrastination and general feelings of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. But realizing what clutter does to you is a good first step. It is this self-awareness that is going to encourage and remind you why you should put a stop to it and no longer allow your immediate environment to be surrounded by materialistic chaos.

Changing your environment changes your perspective. Think about this scenario. You’re sitting behind your desk, trying to brainstorm ideas. You’ve been trying to get it done for the last 30-minutes but you’re coming up short and feeling stuck. No matter how hard you try to concentrate your think, the mental block is stopping the ideas from pouring out, so you decide to get up, stretch your legs for a bit, maybe go for a walk outside to clear your head. Perhaps you decide to take your laptop with you and head to the nearby coffee shop to try and get some work done there. When you arrive, the smell of coffee wafting past your nose instantly makes you feel relaxed, and after ordering your drink, you sit down feeling energized and get right to work. The ideas seem to flow easier and before you know it, you’re nearly halfway done.

In everything that you do, your mindset makes a difference. No matter what situation you may be facing, what challenges you may be going through in

life, the minute your mindset shifts is the moment when things will change. How you perceive situations will ultimately shape the reality around you. Sometimes, the inability to strategize, come up with ideas or problem solve is not because you’re lacking ideas.

Sometimes, it’s your immediate

environment that is the problem. That’s why a change of scenery makes it feel easier to get work done and get the creative juices flowing again. Changing your environment makes you see things from a new perspective. It clears your head and opens your mind to creative solutions that you might have struggled to think of before. You thrive in a setting that promotes productivity, and besides the relief of not having to look at clutter, here’s what changing your environment does to your mind:

You Know Your Resources - It’s hard to see what you have to work with when you’re distracted by the mess. A messy environment makes it hard to think and even harder to come up with solutions when you’re not quite sure of the resources you have. At least with a clutter-free space, you can take a quick look around you and say “These are the resources I have” and you can start working on your solutions based on those resources.

You Values Begin to Shift - Material possessions once mattered so much no longer seem so important when your mindset starts to shift. As you begin to commit to a life where you learn to live with less, you start placing more value on life experiences instead of worldly possessions. For example, you value the time that you spend with your family, husband, children or friends more than ever, because it has become clear that this is what fills your life. A desk or environment that is full of stuff no longer matters, what matters is that

you’re productive and you get your job done to the best of your ability. As “stuff” takes less precedence in your life, your mindset will gradually change to where owning less now becomes your priority instead.

You Manage Your Time Better - Fewer distractions equals less time wasted. You may not have given much thought to how you were spending your time before you began decluttering, which made it easy for the minutes and hours to just slip by. The more you declutter and start seeing the benefits that this process brings the more importance you are going to place on doing things that benefit you instead.

Chapter 120: Decluttering Your Relationships Decluttering is not without its challenges, and if you thought downsizing your belongings and clearing out your workspace was hard, wait until you try decluttering your relationships. The hardest part is probably going to be that period when you’re adjusting to not having that relationship in your life anymore. Maybe you have to cut ties with someone you’ve known for years because you’ve come to realize that their behavior is toxic and adding to the existing stress you already feel. It’s still not going to be an easy decision to make. You’ve become accustomed to having their presence around and there’s bound to be an emptiness that is felt once they’re no longer around. It’s the same with every relationship you have. When you’re so used to always being around or regularly seeing that person, their absence is not going to go unnoticed. It can sometimes feel like you’re all alone, even though you know your decision was for the best.

The Cost of Toxic Relationships A toxic relationship can happen to anyone, even the most intelligent and confident people whom you thought would be too smart to make such poor decisions. There’s no telling when and how you might find yourself in a destructive relationship because it often does not start out that way in the beginning. Toxic relationships will lie to you, hurt you, manipulate you, hence the need for social decluttering. Decluttering relationships and social minimalism are not something we give a lot of thought to since the focus usually tends to center around the physical aspect, the things that we can see in front of us. We’re visual creatures, and it’s only when we can see something that it starts to feel “real”. Mental clutter, emotional, and even social clutter are an afterthought most of the time because we can’t physically see the damage that it’s doing and how it’s taking a toll on us.

Buddha once said: “Holding on to a toxic relationship is like drinking poison, but expecting the other person to die”. When you lose yourself in a toxic relationship, your judgment becomes clouded and it is harder to see what is best for yourself anymore. You forget who you are and what you want, and your happiness no longer becomes a priority. You start to get comfortable with it and make excuses for being in that toxic relationship because it feels better than having to deal with the pain of letting go of the person that you love (or think you love). Social decluttering is a very complicated issue. It is easy to get consumed in a toxic relationship because they tend to be overbearing.

Toxic relationships cause you to lose touch with your own goals, passions, desires, ambitions, and purpose. They make you feel hopeless and powerless, unsure of what to do next. They add to your stress, feed your worries and trigger your anxiety. Their problems begin to affect you and start to become your problems. Eventually, you become resentful after a prolonged period of attending to everyone else’s needs except your own. In short, the cost of toxic relationships is simply not worth it.

How to Declutter Your Relationships Having negative people in your life or people that are causing you pain is pointless. That’s not adding value to your life and it’s certainly not sparking any joy to keep them around. Negative and toxic individuals will only drag you down and trap you at their level, so you become just as unhappy and as miserable as they are. You don’t need to completely disconnect or disband yourself from them entirely (although in some cases that might be better) since it’s not always a possibility. The toxic relationships could be within your family or the people you work with, making it hard to avoid them entirely. You don’t need to ignore them entirely, but instead, aim to spend less time with them and direct energy and focus towards valuable people instead.

Keeping relationships around because you’ve known them forever or because you shared a few amazing memories together is not a good enough reason to hold onto them if they’re weighing you down more than they uplift you. People change, grow, and develop in different ways. The relationships you have with people change because you change, and decluttering your social life might mean you have to learn to let go and be okay with that. It’s going to hurt, but holding on because you feel bad is doing a disservice to yourself.

Going Through All Your Social Media Accounts - This is probably going to be the easiest step in the entire decluttering process. Start with your social media channels and begin removing the people that

you don’t know all that well or no longer interact with, and the people that you feel no longer add value to your life. It’s going to feel awkward at first, but as you begin deleting these “friends” one at a time, it starts to get easier. Don’t worry about what they are going to think. If those “friends” barely put any effort (or none at all) into interacting with you on these social media platforms before, there’s a good chance they’re not going to care whether you’re still connected in the digital space. Streamline your push notifications by turning off the unnecessary ones and only keeping the important notifications turned on. You don’t need notifications from your social media apps, they’re only distracting you. Notifications should only come from text messages, and your important reminders.

Go Cold Turkey - This one is going to be a little challenging, but it’s the most effective way to identify who are the people in your life that truly value your presence and your friendship. Go cold turkey and stop interacting with everyone. Now, “everyone” in this context is going to be subjective to how many people you know, so there’s no fixed number and no specific quota of people you need to top communicating with. Avoid texting first, avoid reaching out first, avoid being the first one to call or make plans. Go cold turkey, stop, sit back, watch and wait. Observe who are the ones who notice your “sudden silence” and reach out to ask if everything is okay. Who are the ones who value your friendship enough to maintain the interaction? Sharing or liking your latest Facebook status or Instagram post doesn’t count. The friendships of value are the ones who check up on you randomly for no reason just to see how you’re doing. Or the people who are there for you during your lowest and darkest moments in life. The ones you can truly count on in the case of an emergency. You might be surprised to find that the ones who value you enough are a lot fewer than you thought. But at least this way,

you’re decluttering the unnecessary relationships and keeping the ones that add true value and happiness to your life.

Knowing Your Relationship Values - What type of relationships do you value? What type of relationship do you think adds value to your life? That is worth investing in? More importantly, what makes you happy? Those are the key indicators you need to think about when downsizing your social connections. Always go back to one, simple benchmark. Is this relationship making you happy? Or is it adding stress?

Decluttering Your Romantic Relationships Relationships that last a lifetime. Something we all want, yet not everyone is lucky enough to hold on to. Divorce rates in today’s world are higher than they have ever been that holding on to a relationship that is strong enough to last you through the years has become a rare commodity. That’s because love alone is not enough to sustain these relationships. There needs to be security, a deep connection on an emotional, mental, physical and spiritual level. Love takes work and if you’re going to make your job easier, you need to remove the clutter from your relationship. Remove the physical clutter, remove the mental, emotional, spiritual clutter. Any element that is negative and causing a strain on your relationship needs to be evaluated.

When we feel disconnected from our partners, we don’t realize that the clutter (physical and non-physical) could be the reason for it. We don’t know how to process these emotions of disconnect, and as a coping mechanism, some people resort to shutting down or shutting themselves off from their partners instead of working together to find a solution. Negative patterns and coping mechanisms remain prevalent, and until we start actively decluttering our relationships, it’s going to get worse, not better.

Declutter the negative patterns in your relationship by doing the following:

Recognizing the Patterns - This is an obvious first step and it requires an exercise in self-awareness. Observe the way you handle

things in your relationship right now. Do you shut down when you feel overcome with emotions? Or lash out? Do you work together or work against each other? Conduct a careful assessment of the way you and your partner currently handle stressful or emotional situations and take note of the negative, unhealthy patterns of behavior that need to be changed. Or decluttered, in this case.

Unite Against Negativity - Nothing brings people together quite like uniting against a common enemy. In this case, the common enemy in your relationship is anything that is stopping you from functioning well together as a couple. Like negative behavior, for example. Think of decluttering as a bonding project you can work on with your partner. If it’s been a while since you worked together as a team, this could be one exercise that starts bringing you closer again. Instead of working against each other, make this your goal to work on together.

Let Resentment Go - A major source of clutter in any relationship is anger, resentment, jealousy, and ego. Everyone has some level of ego and pride within them. How clearly these traits get displayed depends on how well we can control them. Ego left unchecked can often cause tremendous havoc, especially in the relationships which are closest to them. Ego is a negative emotion which causes feelings of resentment, anger, fear, and jealousy. Bringing up past arguments, misdemeanors, and mistakes only clutter the relationship that you have with nothing but toxicity. So, let it go and let the past stay in the past.

Learning to Ask - One unhealthy habit that causes a lot of clutter in relationships is when couples don’t ask for what they want or need. If you’re not having your needs met, you need to ask. Your partner is

not a mind reader and assuming they can pick up on the little hints, or read your mind or anticipate your thoughts is how fights, unhappiness, and arguments tend to happen. Assumptions are where a lot of communication breakdown tends to happen, and you’ll be doing your relationship a favor if you learn to communicate and ask for what you want.

Expectations Are Clutter - Expectations are yet another form of clutter that add no value to your relationship. Imagine if you started every conversation with your partner with the expectation that this is going to go badly. You’ll probably sabotage the conversation and make it worse without even realizing it because the clutter is subconsciously weighing on your mind. Why? Because you expected it to go badly. Learning to communicate with an open mind takes practice, but first, declutter expectations and let them go.

How Decluttering Your Home Can Improve Your Relationships If you live with a family, a partner or a roommate and there’s friction in your home, the problems might not be entirely external. It could the clutter in your home that triggers frequent fights and easy irritation with your spouse, partner or kids’ clutter. Clutter creates discord, and we know that by now. In a study that was done in 2016 on recently divorced participants, 30% of the participants replied one of the main reasons they separated was the constant butting of heads over the household chores. This response ranked in third place after drifting apart, which scored 35%, and infidelity, which scored 40%.

In a study conducted by the Pew Research Center in that same year, more than 56% of the married participants surveyed stated that they thought a happy married had a lot to do with how the household chores were shared. You don’t need to venture far for proof that clutter creates disharmony either. The popular Netflix series Tidying Up with Marie Kondo showcases exactly how a messy, disorganized home and wreak havoc on a couple’s relationship.

Image Source: Pew Research

Understandably, it’s hard for families and couples to keep an immaculate, clutter-free home these days without stretching themselves too thin trying to juggle it all. Work, family life, household chores, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, spending time with kids, staying on top of paying the bills. It’s a lot for anyone to take on, and stressful if they’re trying to do it all by themselves. Decluttering and keeping the house tidy might seem low on the list of priorities of things that need to get done, but something needs to be done about it before the cumulative effects of clutter start to take its toll on your physical and mental health. Your home should never be a place of stress, anxiety, guilt or overwhelmed. You should never have to feel ashamed or embarrassed that someone might see the state of your home.

Besides increasing your stress levels and being an eyesore, here is what clutter does to your relationships:

It’s Hurting Your Love Life - Arguing and sniping at each other all the time is not the sign of a healthy relationship. A spouse or partner who is bothered by the clutter in the house is going to express their discomfort, feel unhappy, possibly resort to negative comments or even name-calling, be easily irritated and angry.

It’s Hurting Your Kids - Assuming you have kids, clutter is going to have a negative impact on them by elevating their level of distress, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Stressed out

children find it a lot harder to make friends and it leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

It Makes You Feel Isolated - The embarrassment you feel over your cluttered home is going to squash any desire you have to invite family or friends over. Russell Research conducted a Rubbermaid survey in which they discovered that people were not likely to invite anyone over if their home was messy. If your partner, spouse or kids are affected by this and frustrated that they can’t have anyone over because of your hoarding tendencies, it’s going to cause a problem.

Its Makes You Feel Exhausted All the Time - Clutter can be emotionally draining. Have you ever felt so completely drained of energy at the end of the day and you’re not sure why? You feel like you haven’t done much, yet you’re exhausted by the end of the day. That’s what clutter does to you. It subconsciously drains you of energy because the external stimuli are still affecting your brain, even when you think it isn’t, just like we talked about in the earlier chapters.

Your relationships matter as much as any other aspect of your life. You need to take care of these relationships, invest in them, and work to keep the relationship going. Happy relationships don’t magically happen, especially not when there’s more neglect than nurture taking place. If you want better relationships, not just in your home life but with every relationship you have, you need to cultivate it. Cut down the time you spent on materialism and you’ll have more time to invest that energy into decluttering your

environment. When you declutter your home, this is what happens to your relationships:

You’re Happier When Stuff Doesn’t Get in the Way - At the end of the day, they are just stuff, and the last thing you want is for it to let it come in between your relationship. It’s not worth expanding negative energy arguing and bickering over clutter. Compared to a lot of other problems you might have to deal with, clutter is one argument that can easily be avoided if there was less importance placed on the things you own. The relationships that you have with the people you love will always win over any amount of stuff, any day.

Your Communication Starts to Improve - Talking to your partner or spouse about your decluttering progress at regular intervals can improve the bond between you. Communicating about what you want and what you expect, being honest demonstrates respect for each other. With fewer items around to distract you, it’s easier to spend time quality time together, strengthening the bond you have even more. The stronger you are as a team, the easier it becomes to talk about everything.

Your Values Are Revealed - Decluttering is going to reveal your values, a side of you your partner or spouse might not have had the opportunity to see before with all the stuff getting in the way. You make it clear what your priorities are by choosing to keep the things that matter, and the act of decluttering shows your partner or spouse that you care about what they need to. That you valued your relationship with them enough to prioritize that over hoarding material belongings that no longer add any value or real benefit.

Fewer Expectations - By adopting the mindset of a minimalist, your expectations are going to shift. You’re no longer going to prioritize wanting to receive gifts, and you’re no longer going to keep up with the desire to buy, buy, buy. You’re not going to expect your partner or spouse to keep getting stuff for you either, because you’re now more intentional about the things you allow into your space. Going back to Chapter 3 where we discussed valuing space more than anything else. With fewer expectations placed on your partner to fulfill these unspoken needs or expectations you have about giving and receiving items, your relationship becomes a lot happier with disappointment out of the way. No more feeling let down when your partner forgets to come home with an anniversary gift. No more feeling miserable and thinking your partner doesn’t care because it’s been a while since they came home and surprised you with a present. Stuff doesn’t matter so much anymore.

You Become More Grateful - Once decluttering opens your eyes to the fact that stuff will never bring you the kind of lasting happiness you will get from your loved ones, your mindset begins to shift to one of gratitude. You’re grateful to have a partner or spouse who is there for you. You’re grateful that you can count on them to have your back when you need it most. You’re grateful to have someone to love, to share your ups and downs with, to build memories with. You learn how to appreciate the little things that people do for you. You feel so grateful for their presence in your life that you’re happier when they’re around and you express how grateful you are to have them in your life, and this isn’t limited to your spouse alone either. This positivity rubs off on them and soon you’re bouncing off each other’s shared happiness, strengthening the bond you have even more. It makes you kinder, more supportive, and it makes the people in your

life happy when they know you recognize and appreciate what they do for you.

You Start Respecting Each Other More- It is important to respect everyone’s decision in this scenario, even if their decision may not be something you agree with or what you hoped for. Trying to force everyone to go along with your clutter lifestyle when they are not prepared for it (or want to do it) is going to create a lot of tension and arguments in the relationship. Healthy, happy relationships are built on mutual respect, understanding, and compromise. When you no longer let the little things like unnecessary clutter get in the way, it’s easier to respect each when there’s less arguing getting in the way.

Organizing Your Priorities & Tossing Out Bad Habits Good habits keep your home and your life clutter-free. Bad habits and a lack of priorities will keep your home and your relationships stuck in the clutter zone. Getting into the habit of creating new habits is not going to be easy, but it’s going to be well worth the effort. Wouldn’t you like to walk through the door at the end of a long day to a home you’re happy to be back in and a family, spouse, or partner you’re happy to come home to. Now that you’ve established your priority is to create less clutter in your relationships, here are some good habits to start incorporating:

Adopt the Habit of Forgiveness - Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools you could possess to make letting go of unhealthy habits a lot easier. Not only will you eventually gain the ability to forgive others over time when you let go of your ego, but you’ll also learn to forgive yourself too, reducing the emotional clutter that you carry around with you. You’ll learn acceptance, and you’ll learn how to be much happier when you let go of all the anger that resides within you. Gandhi once said that “forgiveness is something that is attributed to the strong”. He was right.

Schedule Time to Breath and Meditate - Declutter your mind by encouraging simplicity and calm. Free your mind from the burden of negativity by making it a habit to schedule regular meditation and breathing time. Mindfulness is particularly useful in this case as it helps you form the habit of living in the moment and minimize the overthinking that causes a lot of brain fog and clutter. Living in the

moment is about enjoying the little things that happen to you as they are happening. The little things that we take for granted for too long.

Expressing Gratitude and Appreciation More - There’s no limit to the gratitude and appreciation you can express. Do it all day and every day because it infuses your mind with feelings of positivity and happiness. It is always better to let the people in your life feel the extra love and appreciation, rather than feel underappreciated. Simple little gestures, thank you notes, even text messages sent throughout the day letting them know how much you appreciate them can make a huge difference in someone’s day.

Only Invest in Valuable Relationships - Your time is precious and it’s time to make it a habit to make sure your time is invested in the right relationships moving forward. Family, friends, partners, spouses, and coworkers, no relationship should drain you of energy and clutter your energy. Your relationships are going to evolve over time because you are evolving as a person. You’re growing and changing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Every relationship in your life should be one that lifts you up and makes you a better person. If it doesn’t then it’s clutter.

The Empathy Habit - It takes two people to make a relationship work, and someone else’s feelings and emotions matter just as much as yours do. Start developing the ability to empathize, to be able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see things from their perspective. Being able to understand where they’re coming from, feeling what they feel, is going to give you a greater ability to connect with them on a much deeper level than you previously could. That is

going to do wonders for improving the communication that occurs in your relationship because you’re finally able to see things another person’s perspective.

It’s Okay to Walk Away - It’s okay to make walking away from a negative situation a habit when you need to. Especially if by not walking away, you’re only going to make the situation worse. Take a time out and come back to the situation with a better solution. It is easy to let your feelings overwhelm you if you’re not careful. As much as you want to resolve conflicts there and then, sometimes the best decision is to just walk away from the situation to clear your head whenever your emotions are starting to get the best of you. If it’s going to preserve your relationship, declutter the negativity from your life by learning to walk away when you need to.

Mindfulness and Being Present with Your Partner As for your romantic relationships, it could stand to benefit from making mindfulness more of a habit. Being mindful and present tunes you in and increases awareness about what is going on in the relationship. Like you, your partner is doing their best in the relationship. They’re doing the best that they know how to do, based on their experiences and what they’ve been through in life so far. Nobody would purposely be on their worst behavior. This is what you need to be mindful of because it can be easy to forget when you’re feeling frustrated and your mind is clouded by clutter. It doesn’t help that the human brain is wired to immediately focus on the negative aspects first before considering the brighter side. That explains why faults and flaws often seem more prominent and stand out in our minds a lot more than the good deeds that your partner does.

Mindfulness and being present makes you flexible, and learning to be flexible is an important step towards building a healthier, more positive way of thinking because if you don’t you will find it difficult and frustrating to overcome bumps in the road when things may not be going your way. You can’t control everything, especially when it comes to relationships, and learning to be flexible is how you cope with the ups and downs and challenges that come your way. Being flexible is how you learn to work better together with your partner as a team, the way that it should be.

You and your partner and two people trying to come together to make a relationship work. Two unique individuals with very different personalities trying to get along with each other, support and love one another. Being mindful of these differences and the little things that you do for each other makes it easier to not let emotions get in the way and cloud your judgment. Be mindful, judge less, and listen more. When we judge our partners, we’re not actively listening enough. Judgment already mentally blocks you off from being empathetic towards them. This especially happens during an argument, when you disagree with what your partner is saying, and you judge them for it. As part of your decluttering process, learn to take a step back and actively listen to what they are telling you and see the truth in what they say. Practicing mindfulness about the language that you use and the tone in which you’re saying it can save you from a lot of hurtful words and conversations being thrown about, and it opens the door for more constructive communication to take place. Your relationship will be a lot happier for it.

Chapter 121: Decluttering Your Thoughts If you had to answer what your most scarce resource is, what would the answer be? Would time be your answer? Time certainly feels like it’s never enough, yet time itself is constant and does not change. You don’t have more or less of it on any given day. 24-hours is all we have and that is it. Nothing more, nothing less. Living in the information age we do today, it’s not time that’s the scarcest resource, it’s our attention span. Ever since the internet came about, the amount of information that we receive has increased dramatically. The problem is, the amount of information we can process at any given time remains the same. As a result, we’re faced with information overload, a problem that has been growing ever since the internet starting booming. The bigger the internet becomes and the more reliant we are on it, the more overloaded our brains become.

Information is addictive and we can’t quite seem to stay away from it even when we’re already taking on more than we can handle. Just look at the number of hours we spend scrolling aimlessly through social media taking in the updates, the status shares, the likes, the pictures, the videos. It’s a lot to process for a brain that doesn’t do well under multitasking pressure. Processing and absorbing information is becoming increasingly more difficult, evident in today’s corporate environments in particular. One study by the Pew Research Center discovered that in an already oversaturated world, 20% of the American respondents surveyed say they overloaded by the amount of information they receive. Yet, 77% of those respondents

stated that they liked having a lot of information easily available, while 67% say having a lot of information helps to simplify their lives. It turns out Americans are pretty comfortable and confident in their ability to cope with the everyday flow of information they receive.

Image Source: Pew Research Center

Being able to cope, though, does not mean that this is good for the brain. Clutter exists for a reason, and if we continue to ignore the subtle signs of its presence (anxiety, stress, overthinking, negativity, depression) it’s not going to stop until you put a stop to it. Not everyone processes information in the same way and if you’re one of those that often feel stressed by how much you have to take it, it’s an indicator that you’re taking on more than you can handle and it’s time to slow down and declutter.

Is Information Overload Serious? Information overload is what happens to the brain when it starts taking in more information can it can keep up with and process. In 2010, Google decided to count what they believed to be every available book in the world. The number they arrived at was a staggering 129,864,880 number of books. That was in 2010. A decade later, it’s more than likely that number has tripled today. We’re receiving more information in a single day than let’s say, someone several decades ago in the 1600s, 1700 or 1800s did in one lifetime. Google’s current estimates of existing web pages are in the trillions. Trillions. Blogging statistics reveal that approximately 70 million new content on average is being published on WordPress in a month. Is it any wonder then that information overload has become a prevalent problem?

Having a lot of information published online is not a problem. The fact that people keep adding information online is not a problem. The problem is we become so overwhelmed by everything that we’re reading, watching, listening and processing that it starts getting increasingly more difficult to single out quality information from the crowd. The information that adds value to your life and benefits you. Half-baked articles and posts are a dime a dozen online, and most of the time when something doesn’t hold our interest long enough, we skip over it or don’t bother reading it at all. It is only when something catches your eye that you want to stop and consume it out of curiosity. More than that, you feel like you have to consume it. That’s the problem.

No matter what the topic of interest may be, there are hundreds of other websites or blogs out there publishing the same thing. That’s excluding the social media content, forums and other platforms that might be talking about the topic you’re keen on too. The amount of information on one single subject of interest can be epic, that’s the problem. When you feel like you want to consume it all and get to know everything that you can about the subject, but you don’t have enough time to do it, you become overworked. Overloaded. Overwhelmed by all the clutter that is gathering in your brain because you can’t process it quickly enough.

Information overload is not just a problem. It’s a plague and given how reliant our lives have become on it, there is no cure. The only possible cure to curb the impact that it has on us is through self-control and a few good measures to declutter your thoughts whenever you feel there’s too much information coming in at once.

Why Do We Experience Information Overload? For one thing, we have widespread access to the internet to thank for the significant increase in the amount of accessible information. With everything being a quick Google search away, it’s hard not to get swept up in the sea of information as soon as you log in to any device. Since information can be easily duplicated for free, anyone with access to the internet the right skills can disseminate information online, adding even more information. We need to remember that all of this online information is only a small part of the information we’re absorbing on a daily basis. The sights, smells, sound, tastes, the emotions we feel, the words we read, the body language signals we’re picking up from others, even the conversations we have. All of this is still information that is being processed and picked up by the brain.

Information overload is not doing your brain or your memory any favors. Overload, as we have learned, leads to mental blocks and sometimes a complete shutdown altogether. Especially when the brain is faced with more complex information that requires more processing time. When the brain is under pressure, sometimes it freezes and panics, stopping dead in its tracks. When that happens, we lose our ability to think clearly, the mind often goes “blank” (something you would have no doubt experienced on more than one occasion) and that’s when it starts to feel like it’s all too much. Obviously, information overload is a lot more serious than we thought.

Other factors that could lead to this undesirable overload include:

Too Many Choices - Remember the “Paradox of Choice” that we talked about in Chapter 3? Choices are great, but too much of a good thing, as it turns out, can backfire. With so many options and no idea which one to choose, it can feel like you’re being pulled in a million different directions, making it even harder to concentrate and pay attention.

Emails - An overlooked contributor to the clutter we feel brought on by information, the emails that keep flooding our inbox every day are a massive contributor to the mental clutter we feel. It doesn’t help matters that probably more than half the email content you receive is either spam or not important enough to invest any time in. Phil Chambers, author of Brilliant Speed Reading indicated that research estimated approximately 247 billion emails get sent on average worldwide per day, 81% of which is spam. That is a considerable amount of information that gets channeled through email.

Social Media - Let’s face it. We’ve got more social media platforms than we need. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snap Chat, Pinterest and more take up far too much of our time as we spend scrolling and searching without any real purpose or intention. You tell yourself you’re only going to check these social media apps for a couple of minutes, but the next thing you know half an hour has gone by and you’ve fallen behind on a task you should have started. Not to mention the pointless clutter you’ve now filled your mind with. Very rarely does social media provide any useful content.

News - Today’s media dissemination is relentless. Yet, we can’t help ourselves. The thirst for knowing what’s going on is a pull that is too hard to resist. With attention spans becoming shorter by the day, the constant need for the “new” and “latest” information, news channels are only feeding into this need with their short news cycle and almost 24/7 content publication.

Information Overload Is Never Good We spend so much time worrying, overthinking, and overanalyzing that we don’t have time to step back and assess the way we’re impacted by information overload and the way it aggravates our worries. We react at what life happens to throw our way instead of evaluating what’s best for us. Several years ago, we didn’t have the time-saving apps and technology to make it a little easier to navigate everyday life, yet people back then were probably less stressed than we are today. The one advantage they did have back then was not being faced with a deluge of options and a constant flow of information nearly every minute of every day.

Information overload is a problem when it stops you from taking action. The stream of information that comes pouring in is endless, and you’ll never be able to keep up fast enough to take it all in and the stress that is gained indirectly from trying to keep up with everything is only going to wear you down. Even wore, when you’re overloaded, the tendency to procrastinate is higher than ever when it’s hard to think clearly or stay focused on what you need to do. Procrastination is one path that leads directly to laziness. Some other negative side effects you’re like to experience when your brain is overworked and so cluttered it can’t think straight include:

Diminishing Motivation - Motivation is the push that gets us through the activities we ordinarily would not want to do. When there is a lack of motivation or inspiration to do anything, that opens the door for

procrastination to slowly start creeping in. As your motivation starts to dwindle, the tendency to waste even more precious time aimless scrolling through the information that doesn’t benefit you (like the content you get on social media) increases.

You Remain Trapped in a Negative Mindset- An overloaded brain will find it hard to escape the cycle of negativity. That’s because being negative is always the easier option, being positive requires a lot more effort put into it. The danger with a lot of the information we’re consuming is that there is more negative content out there, making it easy for our brains to latch on to it quickly. Negative content will always be the first thing that grabs your attention because the brain is hardwired toward the negativity bias, meaning that it seeks out negative information first before anything else.

Your Credibility Is at Risk - Another potential problem presented to us by information overload is the possibility that our credibility could be at risk when we don’t know how to discern factual and useful information from pointless gibberish. The danger of relying on the wrong information could have a serious impact on your credibility and your reputation among your peers and the people with whom you have to work with. Your reputation is one of the most valuable traits you could have, and the minute people don’t have any faith in you is the minute your chances of success fade further away. A bad impression is one that is hard to erase.

You Become a Liability - Having your credibility affected is going to lead to the second consequence of information overload. There is no employer that is going to look at someone who might possibly

disseminate false or misleading information as someone who is of value to the company. If the information you’re spreading is not reliable, you become a liability.

Your Perception Becomes Negative - When you’re consuming more bad news than good, it’s hard not to let your perception be slanted toward the negative. Our brain believes what we repeatedly reinforce and unfortunately, there’s very little “clutter” in the brain that is going to be positive. If it were positive, it wouldn’t be called clutter in the first place.

Your Focus Is Impaired - Daydreaming and a lack of focus is another common problem faced by information overload, even more so when the pings and beeps of our mobile devices easily shift our attention away and threaten to distract us.

Putting A Stop to It The only viable way to stop information overload is to limit the content that you’re taking in. Content-control. With so much information coming at us every day, it is inevitable that mistakes are going to be made along the way. Griffiths and Costi (2011) believe that 53% of people believe that less than half of the information that is received holds any real value, while 42% accidentally use the wrong information at least once a week. Evidently, we need to learn what to skip when we’re faced with new content.

Focus on Quality - Focus on quality information rather than quantity. For example, sending a short and concise email that gets straight to the point is better than a long-winded email filled with unnecessary fillers and a roundabout way of getting to the point. If you need to subscribe to newsletters, choose to subscribe only to trusted sources. The ones with credible information that you need to better your life, help you with the decision-making process, and actively contribute towards your goals. The same thing applies to the news sources you read. Only choose one or two credible news channels and filter out the rest. Quality over quantity and your brain will thank you for it.

Not Everyone’s Advice Is Your Advice - Your friends, family, and coworkers might recommend and tell you what you “should” read or “should” listen to. They found that content useful and they’re letting you know because they think it might help you too. It’s great that they’re trying to help, but what you need to remember is that everyone’s advice is not necessarily your advice. This means that just because it was the right kind of content for them, it doesn’t mean that content is going to benefit or enlighten you in the same way. If you try

to consume everything that anyone you know recommends, you’re heading straight for a mental burnout as you drive yourself crazy trying to keep up with it all. Limit your information by filtering your content and focusing on sources that you know are credible or reliable.

Be Very Selective - Knowing what to skip will come with practice when you make it a habit of being very selective about the content you allow your mind to consume. This is one way of limiting your information overload. The content you consume should be for a purpose. That purpose could be aligned with a goal, strategy, or task that you have. If the information you’re taking in has nothing to do with either of these, then there’s a good chance you don’t need it. If it is not information that you’re going to implement or act on immediately, you don’t need it. If it’s not going to change your decisions or actions, you don’t need it. If it’s not helping you reinforce or point or resolve a problem, then you don’t need it. Consume only what you can use immediately and let everything else become an afterthought.

The Magic Number of 3 - If you’re regularly searching for information for a specific purpose, for example, if you’re a business owner who is starting out and you’re looking for as many resources as possible to kick start your business, you want to limit your number of sources to THREE. It can be tempting to want to consume and grab onto as much free content as you can, but that might not be the best idea. You have to remember all these different sources might have conflicting information. That can be confusing and create clutter in your mind when you don’t know which advice to go with. The best advice? Limit your go-to, reliable, credible source to just three and focus on those. If you’ve got extra time to spare and you don’t feel

overworked, then entertain the idea of looking around and seeing what other information is out there. Find a source who is your cup of tea and take their advice.

Don’t Multitask - It’s not efficient trying to do two things at once. In fact, you’re aggravating the information overload problem by doing so. Multitasking “forces” your brain into confusion. Should you reply to the text that just popped up on your phone now, or respond to the email you were halfway typing? Should you finish writing your proposal first or start on a new task your boss just sent along? Multitasking is not for everyone, and just because someone you know may be doing it, it doesn’t necessarily mean it may be as effective for you as it is for them. If multitasking is just going to make you feel more overwhelmed than ever, then what you’re doing is going to be counterproductive, instead of productive. Don’t try to handle several things at once if this style of working isn’t a good fit for you, focus on one thing at a time and get it done before moving onto the next if it’s going to make you more productive.

Take A Break - We all need a break throughout the day to recharge our batteries before we burn out completely. The internet has a way of keeping you hooked and wanting more. Channels like Netflix and YouTube have you binge-watching for hours, consuming more than you can handle. The internet is not going to remind you to take a break. You need to decide when to do that. You’ll know when your brain needs a time out from all that information it’s been processing all day when you start finding it difficult to focus or pay attention. It’s okay to take breaks without feeling guilty about it. If you need a break, take it, and come back refreshed and ready to be more productive for the next couple of hours.

Stop the Social Media Distraction Too How often during the day do you pause or leave a task halfway because you got distracted? Maybe a colleague came to chat for a bit, or a couple of friends sent you texts that you couldn’t wait to reply. Or maybe you just couldn’t resist the urge to check what’s happening on social media or browse a YouTube video or two. Distractions are everywhere, and social media is the biggest culprit when it comes to daily distractions. Social media amplifies the clutter in your brain by amplifying the emotions that we feel. Watching or reading certain content has the power to do that, but since we’re not mindfully aware of it, it’s easy not to connect the dots and realize social media could be contributing to the clutter in our mind directly.

Social media works in subtle ways. The pictures, memes, shared content, occasional funny videos may seem lighthearted and fun and therein lies the danger. It’s distracting us from the mindless clutter we’re taking in. Social media is addictive, and asking anyone to try going an entire day without checking their social media accounts is like asking an addict to quit cold turkey on the spot. It’s not without its challenges. Not impossible, but extremely difficult. But this massive clutter source needs to be flushed out.

Streamlining - Streamline your push notifications by turning off the unnecessary ones and only keeping the important notifications turned on. You don’t need notifications from your social media apps, they’re only distracting you. Notifications should only come from text messages and important reminders. You don’t need your phone

lighting up every 5 minutes telling you who liked your photo or status, or who recently shared your content. These are unnecessary, and they’re not important. Go back to the Eisenhower Matrix in Chapter 2. If they are not urgent and not important, then they can wait until the end of the day when you’re done with everything else.

Decluttering the Apps on Your Phone - Would it amaze you to find out that having just one page for all your apps is completely possible? Begin by going through your current apps and removing anything that you no longer need, want to use. Your home screen should only contain the apps which are of utmost importance to you, and the ones that you frequently use every single day. Some might find this challenging, having to delete the apps on their phone, and it might seem odd at first to have your phone screen looking surprisingly empty and vacant. Once you get used to the simplicity of it all though, you’ll wonder why you didn’t get on this sooner because of how much easier it has made going through your mobile phone. Consider purging your contact list too, deleting any numbers that you no longer have any use for. The most important numbers are going to be those of your family and friends anyway and really, that’s all you need when you get right down to it.

Decluttering Your Social Groups - Unfollow groups and pages on Facebook that you are no longer interested in, especially if it’s not relevant to you anymore. Remember, social media should be kept for only keeping in touch with people, and perhaps some companies or groups that you genuinely have an interest in or care about.

Only Connect with People You Know - If you don’t know someone on social media immediately, consider rejecting their friend request. You don’t need to have 500 people on your friend’s list of those people are not people who matter to you. Quality over quantity is something that can be extended towards your social circle too. Having only 10 quality contacts on your social media is much better than having 100 that are of little significance to you.

Final Thoughts and Tips on Digital Decluttering It is amazing how much of your life can be simplified if you think about it. You may be asking yourself why there is a need for digital decluttering. Why would you need, for example, to declutter your computer when it seems to be working just fine right now? Computers need to be decluttered just as much as the rest of our lives because having too many things stored on it is only going to slow it down gradually. Not to mention how too much clutter is going to leave you with very little space to store your files if you don’t clean out your system every now and then. Having a digital cleanup routine can be just as beneficial as having a physical cleanup routine. The clutter on your digital devices may not be as evident or visible as the ones directly in your environment, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. The clutter will still be there, building up file after file, document after document, and we don’t even realize it until we start to wonder one day why our devices don’t seem to be performing as optimally as they should.

Digital decluttering can lead to greater productivity, and since we rely so heavily on our multiple devices and gadgets in this modern world, it’s important to ensure that they work to our benefit, not against it. Computers, laptops, mobile phones, tablets, even smartwatches are supposedly here to simplify our lives and make things easier, so we spend less time on our workload, but it has become quite the opposite. All the extra “hours” you supposedly would have gained from quicker and faster internet processes have now been lost wading through mountains of emails that need to be

sorted out, searching for documents online, and of course, countless hours spent aimlessly browsing through social media apps.

It is time to unplug and deactivate all those online accounts you no longer use. You’ve probably signed up for dozens of services and accounts online, some which you have long forgotten about but keep receiving emails from. If you can’t even remember your login details and password to those accounts, why keep them around? Streamline your online life by ridding yourself of anything and everything that is unnecessary. Simplify your mind and your digital life by:

Clearing Out Your Inbox - Consider downsizing to only one email account. Or perhaps two, if you want to keep your office email address and personal email separate. How many email accounts do you currently own besides the one you need to use at the office? You don’t need to have Gmail, Yahoo Mail or Hotmail simultaneously, there is no real need for multiple email accounts. Pick just one email account to work with and eliminate the rest.

Unsubscribing from Annoying and Irrelevant Emails - Assess your email content and unsubscribe to emails which you no longer have any interest in. Emails that are not relevant, beneficial or impacting your life in any major way do not need to stick around. All those subscription emails reminding you about the latest promotions and sales are unnecessary distractions and they make your inbox look messy.

Checking It (Personal Emails) Twice - Once in the morning and once at night. Unless you’re expecting something important to come in during the day. Aim to spend no more than an hour responding and catching up on emails. Work emails should be kept during work hours only, and anything else that takes place after hours can be left until tomorrow unless extremely and absolutely of utter importance. We’re talking urgency like your career is on the line. If it isn’t then emails are not a priority and they can wait.

Turn Off Your Email Notifications - Turn off your personal email notifications, you don’t need them to be turned on all day. Controlling how many emails you receive in a day will significantly cut down your screen time. You only need to check your personal emails twice a day (once in the morning and once at night), and once you remove and unsubscribe from the unnecessary newsletters and “spam” content, there’ll be no need to check your inbox so frequently anymore (unless, again, you’re expecting something urgent). Work emails are a slightly different matter. Still, it is possible to declutter by turning off your email notification pop-ups when you need to concentrate on a task at hand. Once you’re finished with what you’re doing, go ahead and do a quick email check to see if anything else has come in. Having those pop-up notifications can be extremely distracting when you’re trying to type out an important document and something. At the same time, it’s not entirely possible to avoid work emails during work hours altogether. Therefore, the best middle ground approach is to disable the pop-up alerts and only check once you’re finished with what you need to do.

Conclusion Thank you for making it through to the end of Declutter Your Mind, let’s hope it was informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you need to achieve your goals whatever they may be.

The mental decluttering process is almost like peeling an onion. You need to peel away the layers to get to the inner bulb of the onion you need. That’s what decluttering does to the mind too. You’re slowly working through (with the help of the steps in this book) the process of peeling back every unhelpful thought you have until all you’re left with are the truths that you need. If only we exercised the same care and concentration we did with our minds as we do to our bodies, life would look a lot different. We spend a lot of time thinking about how we look, the clothes we wear, the food we put in our bodies. What if we started doing that for our minds too? Decluttering the mind. It makes room for a lot more self-love and a lot more gratitude when you can see what matters most. Your loved ones. Family. Friends. Relationships. Health. Happiness. All those things are already right there in front of you, and it’s only once you’ve cleared away the junk that you finally see it again. With mental clarity comes peace. With mental clarity comes freedom from the unnecessary drama, opinions, and burdens that are not worth wasting energy on. Like a car that can go full speed ahead when the road is clear, you can reach your full potential when there are no

distractions in the way slowing you down. So, rid yourself of the negative thoughts and limiting beliefs. You’re capable of more than you know.

MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS By William Mind

Introduction Emotions. They are the very essence of life. It dictates our actions, and despite the ups and downs they bring, life wouldn’t be the same without them. To master your emotions is to master every action that you take, and the one who learns to master their actions becomes the master of their future reality. That is the power of emotional mastery and the very reason you’re here today. The one who masters their emotions is the one with the ability to alter their reality. Without the necessary emotional mastery, life can feel like a roller coaster, with moments of intense highs and extreme lows. A person who is not as strong-willed or determined might become emotionally unstable, which highlights the very real need to learn to master your emotions. Think about this for a moment: Would you feel comfortable dealing with or working with someone who is emotionally unstable? Chances are your answer is going to be no, and that’s the answer most people would give. Shakespeare once wrote: “Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” That’s from Hamlet. The idea is that you create the emotions you feel based on the way you perceive the world around you. Your emotions are NOT dictated by external circumstances. That’s a common misconception. The way you view the world has a lot to do with your perceptions, and your perceptions are responsible for shaping your emotions. It’s not your environment that creates your emotions. It’s you. It’s the way you think about your environment or external circumstances that create the emotions

you feel. Even when the world is against you, you still have the ability to remain calm, and in control, if you change the way you perceive it. Change your perception, and you learn to master your emotions, and this is a very powerful thing. If you’re struggling in your life and not getting the results you want, the emotional difficulties you’re dealing with could be one of the reasons why. Emotions will keep you blocked and keep you from creating success. That’s why you’re going to learn what to do to change that. There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much useful information as possible; please enjoy!

Chapter 122: My Emotional Self What springs to mind when you hear the word emotions? Love? Hate? Happiness? Anger? Sadness? Fear? Usually, it’s the strongest feelings you experience that will be the first thing that comes to mind. These emotions are the driving force behind a lot of the behaviors we display, both helpful and otherwise. So, where do these emotions come from?

What Are Emotions? Emotion is defined as the mind and the body’s way of integrating response to the stimulus that it encounters. They involve three main components:

Physiological arousal Expressive behavior Conscious experience

These components could be experienced in short, brief flashes, or they could long, lingering responses. They could be clear, or they could be confusing. An example of physiological arousal is when you’re walking home at night. It’s dark, you’re already nervous, and then you hear footsteps behind you. Physiologically, your heart begins pounding in your chest. This is then followed by expressive behavior, where you pick up speed and start to quicken your pace. The conscious experiences are the thoughts that begin racing through your mind, like “Am I going to get mugged? Is this person following me? Fear and panic start to set in, and it takes these three components together to create the emotional response that we feel.

The human brain is wired to look for two things: Threats or rewards. When one of these elements is detected, the area of the brain where feelings are generated, trigger the release of chemical messages. This is called the amygdala, the area of the brain responsible for generating emotions. Although small, the amygdala is comprised of thousands of cell circuits that

are dedicated to different purposes. The amygdala’s role is to attach any emotional significance to objects or situations and form an emotional memory to it. The amygdala also helps us coordinate the way we respond to what is happening in our environment. In one study conducted, a group of researchers studied emotions by observing a group of monkeys. They found that when the amygdala was removed from monkeys in the experiment, they exhibited bizarre behavior patterns. The findings of the study showed that without their amygdala, the monkeys either became devoid of all emotion, fearless, irrationally aggressive, or hypersexual.

Emotions are the end result of these chemical messages that travel from the brain throughout the rest of the body. When the brain detects potential threats, the brain releases stress chemicals, commonly known as cortisol and adrenalin. When the brain detects a rewarding or happy experience, the brain releases oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. In other words, the chemicals that make you feel good.

In moments like the examples mentioned above, the amygdala kicks in long before the thinking part of the brain does. In some cases, the reaction of the emotional part of the brain can be so strong that it dominates and overpowers the thinking region of the brain completely. This is called an emotional hijacking, and when that happens, the brain’s higher cortex is disabled. The amygdala has the power to “hijack” your brain and take over when it goes into overdrive. In this hijacked state, the only thing that your

brain can focus on is what is causing you distress. You can’t focus on your job; you can’t focus on a conversation; you can’t focus on anything except the perceived threat that the amygdala has zoned in on. When you can’t focus and think clearly, that’s when mistakes happen.

Understanding and regulating our emotions through behavior and thought is the key to taking greater control of the brain.

Do We Need Emotions? Emotions are responsible for some of the best and worst moments in our lives. Emotions are the reason why love feels so incredible, yet they are also the reason why breakups feel so terrible. They are the reason why getting a promotion at work makes you feel jubilant, and at the same time, they are responsible for the misery and unhappiness you feel if you lose your job. When we’re not thinking clearly, that’s the moment we relinquish the driver’s seat and hand control over to our emotions. In doing so, we open the door for some of our worst behaviors and bad judgment, allowing them to take control.

There have been times when we wished we could have learned to control our emotions better. There have also been times when we’ve told someone else to control their emotions. People who are too emotional get a bad rep, while those who can remain cool and calm under pressure are applauded. That raises some questions about the importance of emotions. Do our emotions hold is back? If so, why do we need them? Would we be better off without our emotions? Would we be less impulsive? Make better decisions, perhaps?

As unpleasant as they can sometimes be, we still need them. We need our emotions. In his book, Descartes’ Error, author and neuroscientist Antonio Damasio talks about a patient that he had. His patient’s name was Elliot. One day, Elliot had a brain tumor removed, along with the damaged part of the frontal lobe of Elliot’s brain that was affected by the tumor. After the

surgery, Elliot experienced a shift in his decision-making abilities. His ability to plan for the future and make decisions seemed to have weakened. Several tests were performed, which revealed that Elliot was mentally superior or average in many ways. Damasio wrote in his words: “Elliot appears to be a man with normal intellect who was unable to decide properly, especially when the decisions involved personal or social matters.”

As far as memory, attention, language, and learning went, Elliot seemed perfectly fine. The one thing that struck Damasio as strange was how he never noticed a single emotion rise out of Elliot despite all the time he spent with him. He questioned whether this could be one of the reasons behind his impaired decision-making capabilities. Elliot agreed that he was not as emotional as he used to be. The things that once bothered him and would have been likely to trigger an emotional reaction, no longer do. Elliot could reason perfectly; the only problem he had was his inability to make decisions. He either could not or would not come to a firm decision at the end. Damasio (in his words) wrote: “The cold-bloodedness of Elliot’s reasoning prevented him from assigning different values to different options, thereby making his decision-making landscape hopelessly flat.”

That was a brilliant way in which Damasio described it. Hopelessly flat landscape. That sentence alone tells us that we need emotions in our lives, despite the roller coaster ride they bring us on. Without emotions, it would be hard to act. Like Elliot, we wouldn’t be able to arrive at a conclusive

decision, and we could spend hours and hours reasoning to no avail. Emotions are the deciding factor that makes some decisions more favorable or salient than others. Without them, we would waste time going around in circles over the same point, yet nothing gets done in the end.

We need them because:

Emotions help us decide which action is going to be the most useful and meaningful at that time. Without them, you could be weighing the pros and cons for weeks, maybe months, even a year without ever reaching a conclusive decision. Anger tells us to act aggressively. Sadness tells us to seek comfort.

Emotions make thinking goal-directed. Goals need values attached to them to make the effort worthwhile. Some goals must be more important than others, and it is the emotions we feel that help us decide which ones we should focus on.

Emotions shed light on what you value or need. You act based on your best interest or in the best interest of your loved ones.

Emotions are not a separate entity from thinking. In the Elliot example, there is a clear link or connection between the two processes, and one cannot exist without the other.

Emotions help others understand the way that we feel. Based on the way we express ourselves through facial expression and body language, it clues someone else in as to how you may be feeling. It is through the emotions we express that others might get important clues or indicators as to how they should act next.

Emotions help us understand others too. The emotional cues and signals we decipher can lead to a wealth of information, and since social communication is a big part of how we develop meaningful relationships, understanding emotional cues allows us to react and respond appropriately.

Emotions give us the drive and the desire that we need to meet our expectations and goals (when they’re not getting the best of us, that is).

One of the earliest researchers who believed that emotions had a vital role in play in our survival and safety was Charles Darwin. The fear that arises when we encounter dangerous situations triggers the primal fight or flight response, making it easy to reach the decision to flee if it is in your best interest to do so.

How Emotions Are Created Our emotions construct a big part of who we are. Without them, we would be nothing more than empty tin cans walking around going through the motions in an almost zombie-like state. The world would be incredibly dull if there was no joy, no heartbreak, or fear. Without emotions, what would motivate us to be cautious or bold? To reach for the starts and push beyond our boundaries to see what we’re capable of? There’s no doubt that we need our emotions, so how do they work exactly? There are a few different theories on this subject.

In the late 1800s, American psychologist William James suggested that emotions follow bodily reactions to external situations. For example, if you’re feeling sad because you’re crying. Or you’re scared because you can’t stop shaking. A similar theory was proposed by Danish psychologist Carl Lange, and together, the James-Lange Theory was born. Both scientists were committed to studying emotions and the kind of physical changes they evoke in the body, and what the relationship between these two factors was. Sometime in 1885, both men proposed their own independent viewpoints, that emotions were based on two things. The first was the changes we experienced physically, and the second was how well we understood these changes. Both James and Lange were of the belief that we experienced these physical symptoms first, after which we would interpret its meaning. This created emotion.

Walter Cannon, however, disagreed. Cannon believed that there were too many bodily reactions that were similar, like a racing heart or sweaty palms. These symptoms could be attributed to several similar emotions, like fear, excitement, or anger, all of which exhibit racing heart and sweaty palm symptoms too. Phillip Bard agreed, and together they formulated the Cannon-Bard Theory of Emotion. This theory is based on how the human nervous system works to express the emotions that go on within us, and what they discovered was that we were capable of experiencing emotions without necessarily getting any kind of physical response or feedback from the chemical messengers. Cannon and Bard then experimented on the theory, and it was discovered that messages get sent to two different places in the human brain simultaneously. The first message gets sent to the part of the brain known as the cortex, which is where emotions are formulated, while the second message gets sent to the hypothalamus, which is the part of the brain that controls our body’s automatic responses. The hypothalamus is the one that tells our bodies how to react by sending chemical messengers, which is why some emotions cause physical symptoms that include rapid breathing, sweating, crying, and shaking with fear or anger. In other words, Cannon and Bard believed that emotions could happen separately but simultaneously. A racing heart does not cause fear, and fear does not necessarily cause the heart to race. Rather, both things happen together.

Most psychologists today believe that our emotions happen to be tangled up with our emotions too. Whether you’re afraid of a dog that’s barking at you from the sidewalk depends on the way you’re interpreting the animal’s

behavior. It also probably has a little bit to do with what your personal history with dogs happens to be. American psychologists Stanley Schacter and Jerome Singer in the 1960s interpreted the idea that cognition defines emotions. They called this idea the Two-Factor Theory, and they believed that to experience emotion, you must feel both physical arousal and cognitively label that arousal. In other words, arousal spurs emotion, but cognition directs the action you take. The dog barking on the sidewalk may trigger an arousal response, but if your cognition tells you there’s nothing to be afraid of, then you’re not going to be afraid.

Still, Polish-born American psychologist Robert Zajonc claims all emotions are the result of what happens when you put a name to your arousal. He suggested that a lot of the emotional reactions we feel occur separately, or even before our cognition kicks in. Hearing a sudden crash outside your window, for example, will lead to an automatic reaction where jolt and feel started even before your brain has had a chance to process what that noise was.

The body’s autonomic nervous system has a role to play too. The autonomic nervous system is the one that controls our involuntary responses, while the sympathetic nervous system controls our inbuilt fight or flight response. Any emotion that you experience is going to affect your body and your mind, and it is your brain that is responsible for creating these emotions. Specifically, the limbic brain. When someone cuts in front of you as you’re

waiting in line, the messages that get sent to the limbic structure tell your brain that you should feel annoyed or angry about this.

Are They the Same as Feelings? If you’re like most people, you’ve probably gone through most of your life up to this point, believing that emotions and feelings are essentially the same things. But that’s not uncommon. The similarity that exists between the two traits is the reason for the confusion. Emotions are feelings are like opposite sides of the same coin. Similar, yet there’s a clear distinction between the two. Let’s discuss the differences between the two.

They’re not the same as moods either. Although we do say “I feel….” to try and explain the emotion that we’re experiencing, emotions and feelings are two very different concepts. Interrelated, yes. But different. Emotions take time to happen because they rely on the chemicals produced in response to certain triggers, and it takes about ¼ seconds before our brains can correctly identify first the trigger, and then another ¼ second to produce the necessary chemicals which result in emotions. Feelings, on the other hand, are the product of what happens when we start to think about these emotions and let it sink in. They last much longer than emotions do, and they can sometimes be fueled by a combination of several feelings at once.

Emotions:

Universal. Most of us experience emotions in the same way. Happiness is experienced the same way around the world, no matter the gender, age, race, country, or religion. So is anger, joy, sadness, frustration, fear.

Happen in our bodies. Are neutral. It is neither good nor bad. It is our past conditioning, the way we’ve been raised, socialized, and the way we perceive what happens that puts a label on it.

Feelings:

They are personal and more psychological. Are the way we interpret emotions. Remember that emotions are neither good nor bad, but rather the way we perceive them that creates this interpreted feeling. For example, when something good happens, and we feel warm and fuzzy inside, we interpret that as a positive feeling. Likewise, when something bad happens, it is the cognitive reasoning that interprets the unhappy emotions we feel as something negative.

How to Identify Them and How They Work Fascinating things, aren’t they? This complex mix of emotions that we have. They can drive us to do all sorts of brilliant, or weird stuff. Understanding them and being able to identify these emotions in yourself and others if you want to learn to control and eventually master your emotions. Misreading your emotions (or someone else’s for that matter) can lead to a lot of misunderstanding and confusion, creating complicated, confusing, and sometimes dangerous situations.

The mind works in quirky ways. Not every emotion that happens is acknowledged, identified, understood, or truly felt. It is only when we start consciously paying attention that we begin observing how much emotions go unprocessed in a day. The many worries that our mind formulates during the day may remain un-interpreted or disavowed, later manifesting themselves as directionless anxiety. Under the sway of emotions, we may feel a compulsive need to do several things. Remain busy, perhaps, clinging to mindless activities to avoid confronting the thoughts or emotions that scare us. There is a price to pay for unprocessed emotions that are kept bottled up inside. When the “bottle” reaches the point it can hold no more, everything comes bursting forth. We lash out, act out, behave irrationally and impulsively, experience an emotional breakdown, and many other undesirable consequences might happen along the way. The one thing all of these scenarios lead to is regret. We regret the way that we behaved or acted, but by then, it’s usually too late to take it back. Or, we could become

depressed because we never learned how to properly identify and process raw emotion.

Identifying emotions and the way they work has been the subject of many research topics over the years. In Discovering Psychology, a book published by authors Don and Sandra Hockenbury, they point out that the emotions we feel are a rather complex, psychological state which involves some very distinctive components. Three of them, to be exact, which are:

The expressive response The experience we undergo subjectively The physiological response that gets invoked.

In 1972, psychologist Paul Eckman put forth this idea that universally, we all experience six basic types of emotions that goes across cultures. No matter who you are or where you may come from, the six emotions that are universally experienced by everyone in the world are:

Happiness Anger Fear Sadness Disgust

Surprise.

Looking closer at some of the common basic emotions every human goes through, it is intriguing to observe the various ways in which these emotions are expressed, depending on the situation on the context.

Emotion 1: Happiness - This most basic human emotion also happens to be the most sought after emotion universally. Ask anyone what they want, and they’ll tell you they want to be happy. Almost everything we do is based on the hope that it is going to make us happier. Why we strive to achieve this is because happiness is one of the most pleasant states of emotions that we experienced. Words that are generally used to identify this emotion include joy, contentment, satisfaction, and gratification. The way this emotion is expressed is through body language, tone of voice, and facial expression. Happiness, on its own, is an emotion that is universally experienced in the same way. The aspect that differs is what we think is going to make us happy, and this is subject to a lot of different influences. The reasons for our happiness are subjective. What makes one person happy might be different for someone else. Some people are happy chasing their careers to feel a sense of fulfillment, while others are happier concentrating on forging meaningful relationships instead.

Emotion 2: Sadness - Characterized as an emotion that is transient, words used to identify this emotion include grief, disappointment,

disheartened, disinterested, or a sense of despair. Sadness, however, is an emotion that can be damaging to our physical and mental health. Prolonged and chronic levels of sadness can lead to mental health issues like depression and anxiety, which then leads to social isolation, withdrawal, and a feeling of disconnect. Depending on what degree you’re experiencing it, prolonged sadness can lead to dangerous coping habits to attempt to deal with the strong feelings you have within you.

Emotion 3: Anger - This is probably the most powerful out of all the basic emotions we experience. It also happens to be the most destructive. Anger is often accompanied by several words used to identify the varying degrees of anger which we feel. This includes hostile, annoyed, frustrated, furious, and feeling antagonistic towards someone. This is by far the easiest emotion to identify in terms of body language, especially through the powerful facial expressions that show through. Frowning, glaring, clenching of the fists, tightening of the jaw, snarling, or pursing their lips into a thin line are all the visible signs of anger. This emotion is even strong enough to trigger a physiological response, such as an increased heart rate, sweating or even turning red in the face with anger. Anger is another dangerous emotion, especially physically when it leads to aggressive behaviors which include hitting, kicking, punching and even throwing objects at another which could cause them physical harm. When out of control, anger puts you, and everyone else around you in danger.

Emotion 4: Fear - Just as powerful as anger, but not as destructive. Fear drives us to act when we believe we’re under threat. Fear is the primary trigger for the fight or flight response, a mechanism that is built within us all, even though we no longer have to rely on it so heavily for survival. When we experience this emotion, the general

symptoms that accompany it include rapid heart rate, tense muscles, and a mind that snaps to attention and becomes more alert. Our bodies in this state are primed to either flee or stand our ground and face the perceived threat head-on. This emotion triggers the most visible physiological responses, although it is not experienced in the same way by everyone. However, the unique thing about this emotion is that fear is one emotion that we can condition ourselves to overcome. Exposing ourselves repeatedly to the things that we’re afraid of over a period of time helps to build a tolerance or resilience towards that trigger until we no longer feel so afraid anymore.

Emotion 5: Surprise - Out of all 6 emotions, surprise is the briefest. It is fleeting and usually lasts no more than a few minutes, sometimes even seconds. This emotion is experienced when we’re faced with something unexpected, and the physiological response that often follows is the startled response. Unlike the other emotions, surprise can either be pleasant, neutral, or negative. An unpleasant surprise, for example, usually doesn’t feel good. Like when someone jumps out at you from behind. A pleasant surprise would be when your family and friends surprise you with a birthday party.

Emotion 6: Disgust - The sense of disgust that we feel could be triggered by several factors, among which include smell, taste, or sight. Disgust can also be experienced on a moral level, when we disapprove of another’s behavior or think that the type of activities, they might be engaged in are what we believe to be evil, distasteful or immoral. Everyone has, at one point, turned away from or felt disgusted by something or someone. Disgust, like fear, is another emotion that can invoke a strong physiological response within us. Depending on how disgusted we feel, physical symptoms could include gagging, retching, wrinkling our noses in disgust

accompanied by the curl of the upper lip, and even verbally expressing how disgusted we feel.

Understanding Emotional Intelligence (EI) Another key aspect of learning to identify and accurately process emotions is through emotional intelligence. A term which was coined back in 1997 by two American psychologists John Mayer and Peter Salovey, they identified emotional intelligence based on four abilities:

The way you identify emotions The way you use these emotions The way you understand emotions The way you regulate emotions

Simply put, emotional intelligence is the ability to manage the emotions we feel. Through EI, we can ignore, dismiss, or even choose to regulate our emotions, including the unproductive ones when they are not going to serve any benefit. EI teaches us how to empathize with others, to observe how another person may feel and try to understand where they’re coming from. The ability to empathize plays a role in strengthening the relationships we have and shaping the way we connect with other people. A prized skill, EI is now believed to be one of the many skills that contribute significantly to the overall success that is achieved by a person. EI is not your average intelligence because it focuses on your ability to identify and manage not only your own emotions, but the emotions of others too. This is vastly different from the academic kind of intelligence we have grown so

accustomed to thinking of when we mention the word “intelligence.” EI is not a subject they are going to teach you in the books that you memorize in school. It is a skill that you need to develop and nurture through practice and experience.

Salovey and Mayer designed a very helpful method of visualizing the four important skills needed in EI. They called this the Four Branch Model, and it is based on the premise that EI is divided into four distinctive categories.

Identifying Emotions - This is focused on being able to accurately recognize and identify emotions yourself and others. This can be done by learning to decode, understand, and detect the emotional signals that we all emit, whether we realize it or not. Like body language, for example, which is a powerful indicator and dead giveaway as to how a person might be feeling, despite what they say verbally. When someone tells you they’re fine, for example, but their facial expression is telling a different story, that’s a very obvious indicator that they’re not okay.

Using Emotions/Facilitating Thought - Once you have identified and perceived these emotions, that’s when the second phase comes in: Understanding emotions. The category focuses on processing the information you have received, and then relying on your cognitive functions to help you rationalize, decide, problem solve, and even consider the perspective of others.

Understanding Emotions - This step underpins the importance of understanding the way different emotions relate to each other. Emotions can change based on the situations you may face, the people you encounter, and how your own feelings might change with time. To effectively manage your emotions and that of others, you need to accurately decode the body language signals you see, understand what they mean, and decide on a course of action from there.

Regulating Emotions - This is the Emotional Intelligence skill that relates to handling your own and others’ emotions effectively. Typically, emotional management and understanding are considered higher-level skills, as they rely heavily on your ability to identify and use emotions to work effectively.

Salovey and Mayer’s work laid the foundation for author Daniel Goleman to expand on this subject that he discusses in his bestselling book Emotional Intelligence. his 1995 EI model is based on an extension of Salovey and Mayer’s. In his model, Goleman states that EI comprises of five main components, or what he refers to as “pillars of emotional intelligence,” where Salovey and Mayer’s model only had four components. According to Goleman, EI comes down to five key characteristics:

Self-Awareness: Which was a person’s ability to be aware of their emotions and be acutely aware of how these emotions affected them.

Self-Regulation: How well you could manage your emotions and predict the effects they would have was what Goleman classified as self- regulation.

Motivation: A big part of emotional intelligence and why it is responsible for success is because it keeps your motivation going. Without motivation, it would be very easy to give in to your desire to quit or run away when things become difficult.

Empathy: In everything that you do, people will be involved in your life. Work, family, social settings, everything involves coming into contact with other people, which is why it is crucial that you go the extra mile to understand the people around you to build meaningful connections.

Social Skills: People skills are the reason a person can become successful. Through social skills, you learn to become a communicator, someone who makes a difference in the lives of others. Someone who can manage conflicts and effectively resolve them. You’ll learn how to effectively manage your interpersonal relationships so you can elicit the response you need from the people around you.

Everyone has the capacity to understand and process our emotions. The only thing is, we don’t seem to use it as often as we should. If we have the ability to process, understand, and decipher ideas, we can certainly do the same with our emotions, once we know the right way to do it.

Chapter 123: The Most Important Emotions If we were to visualize what losing control of our emotions looks like, it would probably be a pot that was boiling and bubbling over, with the lid no longer able to contain the contents within. Having emotional and explosive reactions very rarely results in a positive outcome at the end of it. If anything, we’re mostly filled with regret, embarrassment, shame, or humiliation as we realize things could have been handled a lot differently if only we had learned to control our emotions. Losing control is something that can happen to anyone. The question is, why is it so hard to keep our emotions under control?

The Reasons We Lose Control The environment we live in today is tough. There’s so much going on at home, school, work, after work, even during the weekends as we do our best to try and juggle the responsibilities we have. Family commitments, career obligations, social appointments, all the while trying to find some time in between to attend to everything else that needs to get done. It’s a lot to handle, and it’s hard to stay calm at times when you feel like you’re under pressure or strain to get things done.

To complicate matters further, there are several situations that we could encounter on any given day that could cause your emotions to bubble and boil beneath the surface. Maybe you felt frustrated as you were trying to resolve a problem at work but couldn’t seem to get it right no matter what you tried. Perhaps you had a brush with a rude customer as you were waiting patiently in line to get your morning cup of coffee on the way to work. Maybe something embarrassing happened to you in public, and you’re still feeling the sting of that humiliating incident. There are so many factors that could trigger an emotional outburst; it’s hard to keep up with them all.

The reason we lose control or find it difficult to keep our emotions in check has a lot to do with the brain once again. Imagine your brain has two sections, one upstairs and one downstairs. In between the upstairs and downstairs is the middle ground or the “midbrain.” The midbrain is where memories are created and stored and below that (the downstairs part area) is

the brain stem. The brain stem controls the things our bodies do on autopilot. Like breathing or blinking our eyes.

The brainstem is also responsible for controlling automatic reactions to certain situations. For example, when you touch a cup of tea that is too hot, your hand immediately recoils without thinking because your brain is telling it to do so to stop you from getting your hand burned. The reaction is automatic, and it requires no thinking at all. You know what to do in the blink of an eye. Because of the way the brain reacts in these situations, it is also referred to as the emotional brain. It is always ready to react in any situation without thinking it through to help you “survive.” So, what’s happening in the upstairs portion of the brain? Well, that area is also known as the cerebral cortex. This is the logical and problem-solving area of the brain. You could say this area is the thinking brain.

These two different sections of the brain don’t work alone. Messages get sent from one area to the next all the time, communicating what our bodies need. When there’s a problem, it’s the thinking brain that springs into action and tries to come up with solutions. Usually, it does a great job of this until the emotional brain stops communicating well. When these two sections of the brain stop communicating with each other, it’s usually because your emotions become too overwhelming, and your brain decides that you’re in a

potentially “dangerous” situation (even if it’s not true). Emotions slowly start to gain momentum, and before you know it, you’ve lost control of the situation entirely. Your emotions have become too strong that they’re now overpowering everything else, including your ability to think logically and rationally.

Of course, there are other factors that are likely to cause us to lose control of our emotions too. These include:

Your Temperament - Some people are a lot more temperamental than others. Which would explain why they get emotional a lot quicker and more frequently. Our personalities and our temperaments are different. Not all of us are wired the same way. Some act quicker, while others need more time to process their next move. Some people just happen to be a lot more emotional than others because that’s their temperament.

You’re Stressed - Stress could act as a potential trigger for your emotions too, leading to abrupt outbursts, temper tantrums, and irrational behavior. It is your body’s way of reacting to the stress that you already feel, and it’s unfortunate that it causes you to lose control over the situation while you do it.

You Had Emotional Role Models - The role models you had growing up have an impact on shaping you to become the person you are today. If you were surrounded by emotional people, chances are this has influenced you to some degree. When this is all that you

knew growing up, you’re not going to see anything wrong with it until it’s been pointed out to you.

You Can’t Express Yourself Well - When you have a hard time making yourself understood, or expressing yourself, it can often lead to a lot of feelings of frustration. The inability to express yourself effectively can be frustrating. Poor communication skills can often lead to a lot of misunderstanding, which could lead to arguments which cause you to feel emotional.

You’ve Been A Pessimist All This Time - You have a rather cynical, hostile view of the world around you. The glass is always half empty, and there is not a silver lining in sight. When things don’t work out the way that you expect them to, it sets off your emotions, and you start to feel like you’re spiraling out of control.

Our Most Important Emotions Our most important emotions are defined as any emotion that is going to create a negative impact on our lives. These are the emotions you want to effectively learn to deal with and master, and most of the time, these emotions are likely to be negative. It’s always the negative emotions that get out of hand easily, isn’t it? Like anger for example. One minute you’re alright, and the next, you could be in a shouting match with a friend, coworker, or random stranger when something triggered your emotions the wrong way. Negative emotions are the ones that come with the strongest repercussions, which is why it is imperative you learn how to effectively manage them if you want to exact any kind of positive change in your life.

How to Control and Master Your Emotions Learning to master your emotions is essential if you want to live a life where you are completely in control of the way you respond to what happens around you. Maybe you can’t change the external circumstances or situations, but you can change the way you react and whether you allow it to affect you or not. Knowing that you have control over your emotions and feelings is one of the best skillsets you can master (other than emotional intelligence). What we need to realize is, no matter what emotion we feel, we’re not feeling it because we HAVE to. We’re feeling it because we CHOOSE to allow ourselves to do so. You are the source of your emotions; that is what you always need to keep in mind. You don’t need a reason to feel good. You can choose to feel good whenever you want.

The road to mastering your emotions can be a long, sometimes difficult process. Learning how to deal with your emotions will impact how you are perceived by others. No one thinks favorably of someone who is highly emotional and prone to temper tantrums or frequent outbursts. These are not pleasant to deal with, and it’s not a good feeling to always have to tiptoe around someone because you’re worried about setting them off. You never know when you can let your guard down, and that can be an exhausting experience.

In Chapter 1, identifying emotions was discussed, and that’s something you need to do again. It’s one of the major steps needed toward emotional mastery, and you cannot achieve control without first identifying the

emotions you’re dealing with. Uncertainty about what emotions you’re experiencing will leave you struggling to find the appropriate ways to respond. The more clarity you have, the more you work on identifying your emotions, the more information you will have to work with moving forward in the process.

Be Kind to Yourself - Being emotional brings out the worst in you and opens the door for your inner critic to rise to the surface. If you’re ever going to learn to master your emotions, you’ll need to put a stop to being critical and hard on yourself. Continue indulging in this bad habit, and it will only serve to make your emotions more difficult to regulate because you’re constantly critical, and that makes your emotions fluctuate. One minute you’re up, next you’re down, it’s like riding a roller coaster, only this one is less enjoyable.

Fixate On Your Strengths - Avoid fixating on the things that you’re not good at. If you do, then that’s all you’ll ever be able to see. If you were to observe individuals with emotional intelligence, you’ll notice that the one thing they do is fixate on their strengths. Of course, they do acknowledge that they have weaknesses too, everyone does, but the difference is that they don’t focus on dwell on it because they know it does not bring them any benefit. They’re always problemsolving and trying to find solutions to the obstacles put in their path. The words “I can’t” rarely ever comes out of their mouths, and this is how they stay in control of their emotions even during the most trying times.

Showing Appreciation for Your Emotions - Resisting your emotions are not healthy, and it’s going to cause a lot more problems than it resolves. Resisting emotions can cause uncertainty, and it’s going to hold you back from using your emotions to your advantage. But when you choose to appreciate your emotions, you turn the experience into a lesson you can learn from in the future. Therefore, openly accepting your emotions and trying to identify its potential significance or meaning is important. For example, when something unexpected happens and it leaves you feeling frustrated or stressed. Instead of trying to fight the frustration you feel, acknowledge the way you feel and the circumstances that made you feel this way. It’s easier to get a handle on things when it feels like there is less resistance in the way.

Assessing Your Emotions - Be curious about the emotions you feel. Curiosity will open the door to different opportunities, perspectives, and unique insight into your emotions and the circumstances that surround it. Being curious about your emotions leads to questions like, “What is this emotion offering me? How does this benefit me? What is the true value of this emotion? Does it serve me or hinder me? What steps can I take to make this better? How do I get the outcome I want? There’s a reason you feel the emotions that you do, but without asking the right questions, you won’t be able to successfully identify the underlying causes. If we learn to listen and observe, emotions have the potential to teach us some valuable life lessons we can learn about ourselves. We need to be open to finding these answers by encouraging curiosity to help you insightfully overcome the emotional roadblocks you’re working through.

Create A Support System - Find a healthy outlet that works for you to channel your emotions. This outlet should be something that makes

you feel good about yourself again and feel better after an emotional time. For example, creating an emotional support system. Talking to someone you can trust who won’t judge you in return can be the antidote to an emotional, troubled soul. Not everyone may be lucky enough to form these close relationships, so it is okay to seek professional help if you feel you might benefit from having someone to talk to.

Forgiving Your Triggers - Your triggers can be people, places, situations, or things that cause you to feel a certain way. Learning how to forgive your triggers and learning to forgive yourself will help you learn to detach yourself from the problems that accompanied that emotion. The negative emotions that continue to linger inside you will ultimately disappear with forgiveness.

See the Bigger Picture - Everything that happens to you happens for a reason. Regardless of whether its good or bad. The ability to analyze past situations and discern the meaning behind it will come with practice and time. It’s an insightful kind of wisdom that takes practice. It’s often hard to see the reasons why something may have happened, especially when it’s unpleasant, but you’ll eventually learn to see the bigger picture even in the middle of an emotional situation.

The Key to Controlling Emotions Those who struggle to control their emotions are often guilty of the same bad habit: You’re grouping your emotions. You experience dozes of emotions daily, and each emotion is a unique combination of personality, experience, and context. This combination creates a unique mental state that becomes unique to you as an individual. Despite the range of emotional diversity, most people group their emotions into a few, simpler categories. For example, you would say I feel miserable to describe a wide range of negative emotions. You could have everything from frustration, sadness, guilt, or apathy mixed in to describe the word “miserable.” Grouping your emotions together cancels out the fact that each emotion is different. Yes, they make you feel unhappy, but they create that feeling in different ways. Frustration is not the same as sadness. Guilt is not the same as apathy. Not to mention the fact that these emotions could be triggered by different events and, therefore, need to be resolved separately on its own.

Complicating matters further is the way each word can be broken down into even more meanings. For instance, when you feel sad, it could easily be because you’re lonely, or it could be because you missed an opportunity at work today that you wish you had acted on sooner. Why is grouping your emotions together considered a bad habit? Because you’re neglecting the problem. It’s impossible to figure out the root cause of the problem when you’re not sure how you feel about it, to begin with. Separating your emotions sounds like an easy exercise, but it can be surprisingly challenging. To learn to master your emotions, you must take the time to

identify the emotion beyond its trigger. You need to identify the root cause of the problem.

Stepping away from the problem can sometimes help to put things into perspective and give you the time you need to calm down. Often, our negative emotions can seem magnified and worse than they should when we continue to be entangled with what’s triggering it. Give yourself the time and space you need by taking a step back when things start to feel out of control, and when you’re ready, begin this 6 step approach is the key to controlling your emotions, and here’s what you need to do:

Step 1: Reflection - The first step requires careful observation of your emotions and reflecting on them. It is easy to fall out of touch with ourselves in this hectic world that we live in. With multiple responsibilities to juggle and trying to manage one thing after another, taking care of ourselves often falls by the wayside, and we lose that connection to our innermost feelings. Instead of learning to focus on our emotions when they arise, we choose to do the easier path. We brush it aside, ignore them, or deny them completely. Maybe even distract ourselves from those feelings by doing something else. The more you deny your feelings though, the harder it becomes to manage them later on. Bottling up your emotions and hoping they will just go away on its own has never proven to be an effective strategy. From this point forward, whenever you experience an emotion (any kind of emotion), observe it, acknowledge it, reflect on how it is making you feel.

Step 2: Observation - The way to identify your emotional triggers and what sets you off is through careful observation. How often do you notice the triggers that cause you to become emotional? Probably hardly ever, but these are some questions you need to start thinking about. You need to know what you’re dealing with before you can start making moves to remedy it because you can’t manage something that you don’t know. Why do you get worked up? Why do you feel stressed? What’s responsible for creating this feeling of happiness you now feel? Following Step 1, whenever you make a note of every emotion you experience, write down, and make a list of the things that triggered it. Examine that list several times a week. Watch for patterns and recurring themes. What do you see? Learning how to identify the triggers which cause extreme emotional reactions are the key to learning how to manage your emotions.

Step 3: Break - If you don’t give yourself a break when you need it, your emotions are always going to get the best of you. You cannot remain cool, calm, and collected and respond appropriately when your emotions are as volatile as the waves of the sea in a storm. We would all love to get conflict and problems out of the way as soon as possible, but sometimes you need to take a time-out or a five-minute breather to just clear your head whenever your emotions are starting to get the best of you. That is the intelligent thing to do.

Step 4: Respond - Your new approach is going to be learning how to respond first instead of reacting. You need to now make response your first default mode, and you do that with two of the emotional intelligence pillars discussed in Chapter 1, which are self-awareness and self-regulation. By paying attention to your emotions, especially the ones that tend to trigger an extreme reaction in the past, you can then learn how to regulate yourself. You can make a conscious effort

to choose the next move you are going to make instead of letting your emotions decide for you. You need to lead with your head, not your heart.

Step 5: Humility - Be humble, live simple. An attitude of superiority is only going to exacerbate the negative emotions that are already out of control. Superiority will make it very difficult to achieve selfawareness because you will be blinded to your own faults. It’s no problem for you to immediately point out the flaws in others, but you won’t be able to see the things that you are doing wrong. See everyone as an equal, not a subordinate, regardless of what background they come from. Everyone deserves to be treated respectfully. That’s the emotionally intelligent thing to do.

Step 6: Write - It is often the simplest, tried, and true methods that can prove to be the most effective. Put things into perspective by writing down the emotions that you’re feeling. Everything that you’re feeling. Pour your heart out, open the floodgates of emotion, and just let it flow until you’re done. When you’ve finished, read what you’ve just written down. If you’re not comfortable enough talking to someone else about the way that you’re feeling, talk to yourself. Write yourself a letter, put down everything that you’re feeling onto that paper. Assess your thoughts, observe the way that you’re feeling and reflect upon why and what triggered such emotion within you. Once you’ve finished tear up or shred the paper. The point of this exercise is to provide you with an outlet for your emotions to give you something that helps you regulate the way that you’re feeling instead of just letting the emotion fester within you.

Changing Your Emotional State You have the power to make a positive difference or a negative one. You can choose to go in either direction. When emotional intelligence is combined with the strategies above, it brings several other benefits in addition to controlling your emotions:

Your health improves because you will effectively learn how to manage your stress levels. You effectively learn how to manage conflicts and resolve them in a beneficial or amicable manner without losing control or resorting to an emotional outburst at the end. You learn how to put a stop to conflicts before they even have a chance to gain momentum when you know how to regulate your emotions and that of others. Your relationships improve as you learn how to forge and develop deep and meaningful bonds. Your mental wellbeing improves as you develop a more optimistic and positive outlook towards life when you’re no longer ruled by volatile negative emotions.

Our emotions can cause us to become so wrapped up in our own thoughts and lives that we tend to neglect everything else. A change in perspective is needed to shift your emotional state and move away from the negativity that drains you and depletes your energy levels. Especially when you feel like you’ve hit a dead end.

To move from a negative attitude to a positive one requires a shift in your mindset and certain habits that you practice each day. But before you get to work on any of the measures below, there’s something else you need to do first. Get rid of the victim mentality. You are NOT a victim, and feeling sorry for yourself and moping about how you wish life could be better are all qualities that you need to get rid of. Negativity will one serve to make your emotions spiral even more out of control than they already are. Emotions are powerful things. They have the ability to completely consume you, and take over your every movement and thought. Everything easily seems much worse when you’re feeling down in the dumps. It is time to rid yourself of this habit, and take the necessary measures you need to infuse more positivity in your life.

Getting over the victim mentality was the first phase. The second phase involves embracing your emotions for what they are. Yes, even the less than pleasant negative ones. It may seem like a strange request to ask you to embrace your negative emotions along with the positive ones, but it’s the only way you’re going to learn to effectively manage your emotions. By accepting both the good along with the bad. A conscious effort to embrace the negative emotions is the key to developing the skills and techniques needed to regulate yourself because you’re acknowledging that there is an issue that needs to be fixed.

After phase one and two, then move onto the other measures below to begin creating that much-needed shift in your emotional state:

Starting Strong - Start your morning off on the right foot and start it strong. That’s your new habit moving forward. Every day is a brandnew day, a new chance, and a new opportunity to seize the moment and make it the best that you can. Create a morning routine that energizes you and gives you a reason to jump out of bed, excited to begin the day. Have something to look forward to each day and make that the first thing you focus on as soon as the alarm rings. Take deep breaths and feel grateful for each one, make a list of the things you need to do today, set mini goals, and start your morning strong.

Routine Change - You’ve probably been in this emotional state for a while and now realized it’s not doing you any favors. Doing things repetitively gets a little mundane after a while, no matter how much you love what you’re doing. Variety keeps us on our toes and keeps things interesting. A change in routine could be exactly what you need to change your emotional state. Break the monotony, try something new, experience something you haven’t before, and come back refocused and recharged back on track once more.

Positive Repetition - When you’re constantly exposed to something repetitively, it becomes difficult to ignore. Like negative thoughts, for example, that keep weighing on your mind day in and day out. Because it’s always there and on your mind, they become difficult to ignore, and eventually, the self-deprecating messages they project eventually seeps into your subconscious, and you believe what these messages are telling you. Well, that’s the approach you need to take again this time, except now you’re going to do it with positive affirmations. Affirmations are the motivational drivers that remind you of what you set out to do and what you need to accomplish, and if

they are everywhere all the time, it becomes difficult to ignore. Write down your goals, reminders, motivational quotes or anecdotes on post-it notes, and stick them everywhere. Write down other positive affirmations, words that inspire you quotes by successful leaders that motivate you. Around your home, your office, your car, your mirrors, all the places that you frequent on a daily basis. Stick it, read it, remember it.

Establish Priorities - The ability to prioritize provides a clear sense of direction, and it always ensures that the most important things of all don’t slip through the rungs. Instead of allowing your mind to focus on the negative emotions that keep trying to push their way in, give it something else to focus on instead. Like your priorities, for example. Without priorities and the goals to match, it’s easy to let your emotions distract you and lead you off the path. Set priorities and make a commitment to seeing it through. Train your mind to believe that quitting will not be an option until that priority has been accomplished for the day. Sometimes what the mind needs is a shift in what it is focusing on to create a shift in your emotional state.

It’s Okay to Make Mistakes - Unfortunately, some people have a need to always be right. It’s wired in their personality. The inability to accept that mistakes, however, is like walking around with an Achilles’ Heel. This habit only makes you an even more emotional person, because you’ll always be argumentative, stubborn, and difficult to be around. Not everything is always going to go according to plan, and that’s okay. Sometimes mistakes get made even when you’ve tried your best, and that’s okay too. Take a deep breath, calm down and tell yourself that’s the way life is at times. It’s unpredictable and the only thing you can do is try your best. To control your emotions, you must learn to be adaptable and flexible, or you’ll

always find yourself getting worked up over even the smallest of things. Your ability to be adaptable is going to be the deciding factor in how happy you are in your pursuit of managing your emotions.

Changing Your Patterns - It can be surprisingly difficult to gain the perspective you need to overcome your emotional challenges. If you’re reading this, like most people, you’re probably stuck in the same patterns and routines because of the safety and familiarity it offers. Being reluctant to change and step out of your comfort zone is going to deprive you of the experience you need to gain an emotional perspective. You’ll always try to avoid facing anything that you’re not comfortable with. Emotional mastery comes when you learn to change your patterns and be willing to step out of your comfort zone. A good starting point would be to confront uncomfortable emotions you ordinarily would have run away from. Commit to facing your fears and finding new ways of dealing with emotionally challenging situations. This exercise enhances your emotional intelligence capacity by giving you a better understanding of who you are and what you’re capable of.

Your mental toughness is also a very powerful asset that you possess. Essentially, these goals, routines, and priorities are giving you a sense of purpose. Even if the goal or the task at hand may be something small, it doesn’t matter. The point is, your mind needs something else to focus on, and if you don’t give it what it needs, you’re looking at an uphill battle of trying to control your emotions with no end in sight.

Chapter 124: Emotional Influencer It’s a power that you’re probably unaware of up until this point. The secret power that you have to control and influence your emotions. How do we influence our emotions? With a method known is conditioned responses. Here’s how it works:

“You’re at a public speaking event, waiting for it to start. As soon as the speaker walks out on stage, you and the rest of the audience members begin applauding. The speaker thanks the crowd and proceeds to give their speech. When they’re done, they exit the stage, and a couple of minutes later, the next speaker walks out on stage. Once again, you and the rest of the audience members begin applauding, and once again, the speaker kindly thanks the crowd.”

This scenario is common and happens so frequently we don’t notice it anymore. Public speaking events, seminars, events, concerts, when the presenter walks out on stage, the audience claps, and the speaker says thank you after the applause. We do this without anyone explicitly telling us that we need to do it. We automatically clap, and the speaker or presenter in turn, automatically says thank you to the crowd. That’s what a conditioned response looks like. It is a response to a certain trigger or stimulus. In the case of the example above, the trigger or stimulus would be the speaker walking out on stage and indicates it’s your cue to clap.

These conditioned responses are everywhere we go. Someone cuts you off in traffic, you instantly feel annoyed. You arrive at work and see the mountain of paperwork you need to go through; you feel stressed. You see your loved one or family member, your face immediately lights up with a smile, and you feel happy. You walk down the street past a row of shops and cafes, a certain smell wafts by and hits your nose and you’re immediately taken right to your childhood. It’s a cue response system, but what you probably didn’t realize is that you can make these cue response systems work for you.

How You Can Influence Your Emotions A predictable response is a response that tends to repeat itself. Let’s say a friend came by and asked you to go and grab a cup of coffee with them. You might say yes, or depending on what’s going on at the moment, you might say no. If that friend were to ask you the same question 10-minutes later, your response then might be different too. Earlier you might have said no, but 10-minutes later, the answer could be yes. That’s not a conditioned response because it’s not predictable or repetitive. Now, someone who is terrified of spiders, on the other hand, demonstrates a predictable response. As soon as they see a spider (the cue or stimulus), they go into panic mode or start to freak out every single time. That’s a predictable response; in this case, the spider triggers the predictable fear response.

Any cue that elicits a predictable response is like an anchor. Anchoring is a very significant and commonly used technique known as Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). Anchoring is best described as a neurological association between a sound, scenario, or situation and the behavior we have when we come face-to-face with that situation, just like a conditioned response. Anchoring helps us to associate a desired positive emotional response when we face a certain sensation. Maybe you’re wearing a piece of clothing that you call “your lucky jacket,” or a charm bracelet for good luck, maybe a lucky pair of socks, even. These things are all cues that trigger a specific response or emotion within you. You see, on some level, you already know you can trigger these responses. Case in point, wearing lucky items of clothing. This means if you know the correct trigger, you

can elicit any response in yourself or someone else that you want. We learn through both emotions and physical occurrences. Therefore, both these elements determine how we behave. While not always predictable, some behavior can be learned.

Ivan Pavlov coined the term Classical Conditioning in 1927, and his experiment is still used as a reference point to this day because of how clearly it demonstrates conditioned behavior at work. Pavlov believed that behavior could be learned through conditioning where a stimulus is administered, and a response follows. His most famous experiment of this theory was when he conditioned dogs to start salivating at the sound of the bell in anticipation of food. The food acted as a conditioned stimulus, and salivation is the response. Today, classical conditioning is a widely known basic learning process.

Operant Conditioning is another type of conditioning that is sometimes referred to as instrumental conditioning. This method was explored by B.F. Skinner, who maintained that it was unnecessary to look into internal desires to interpret or control behavior. Here, the behavior is determined by the consequences of an action, which can be in the form of reward or punishment. Skinner believed that actions that produce desirable outcomes tend to be repeated, and those that lead to punishments are not likely to be repeated. In this sense, positive reinforcement will encourage the behavior

to be repeated in the future. Behavior is controlled by stimuli that are present when a behavior is incentivized or penalized.

What these tell us is that you can create and establish new triggers and responses. You have the power to do it, and there are two reasons why this works:

Pattern Recognition - This means that your brain can learn from past experiences and apply this learned behavior to new and similar situations. Basically, pattern recognition keeps you from making the same mistake twice. There’s an evolutionary reason why the brain is designed to work based on pattern recognition. When our early ancestors encountered a ferocious predator and barely escaped with their lives, the brain begins to recognize that the next time they encounter something similar, they apply that learned knowledge and realize they should flee before the predator attacks. This also happens to be how anchoring and conditioning work. You enter into a specific situation, and that situation triggers a specific cue, which then elicits a specific response. Depending on whether that situation plays out well (positive or negative experience).

Action Energy - Research on this subject was conducted by Dr. David Hamilton, who had a group of people over the course of several weeks practice a simple song on the piano. Once he was sure that the song was cemented in the participants’ minds, he took a brain scan while they were playing the song. He then took another brain scan, this time asking the participants to only imagine themselves playing

the song. Examining the results of both brain scans side by side, there was no way of telling which brain scan was which. This means that to our brain, there is no difference between having the actual experience or vividly imagine it. This point emphasizes that it is very possible indeed to create anchors for ourselves.

How Your Emotions

Thoughts

Can

Influence

Your

To understand how our thoughts can influence our emotions, we need to go back to NLP. The term “NLP” refers to the language of the mind. Neuro is the brain part of the reference, while linguistic represents the language portion. Simply put, NLP is about learning the language of your brain (mind). When we don’t understand the language our mind speaks, it’s hard to forge a connection. That’s why it often feels like you have no control over your thoughts or your emotions. Because that vital connection is missing. It’s like being on holiday in a foreign country. You’re in unfamiliar territory where nobody spoke your language, you can’t understand them, and they couldn’t understand you. What does that feel like? Frustrating, most of the time, because you’re constantly struggling to make yourself understood.

NLP has a lot to do with emotional intelligence. It teaches you how to connect with the language of your mind, understanding your mind as well as how someone else’s mind could think. It helps you connect mindfully with your subconscious mind to better understand what you want out of life. Your subconscious mind is a powerful thing, and when you can tap into that power, to harness it to improve your life for the better, there’s no telling what kind of success you can accomplish. NLP teaches you how to become in tune with your mind, to be able to understand it in a way you’ve never had before. In doing so, it helps you become more emotionally intelligent, and thus, learn to be in control of and influence your emotions.

By using NLP and emotional intelligence, you develop the ability to recognize, use, and manage emotions in constructive and positive ways. It makes you better equipped at recognizing the emotional state of other people and engaging with them effectively in a way that is mutually beneficial, safe, and trustworthy for all. By understanding the language of the mind and combining it with emotional intelligence, you can facilitate improvement in relationships, build authentic partnerships and create meaningful connections especially with the groups of people we find the hardest to connect with such as colleagues, bosses, team members, clients, and more.

Mastering your emotions and allowing your thoughts to influence the way you want to feel requires the following steps:

Reframe Your Content - This technique is extremely useful whenever we feel helpless or when negative thoughts and emotions come weighing down on us. Reframing involves taking a negative situation and empowering yourself by changing the meaning that you associate the experience with, subsequently turning it into a positive experience. It starts with identifying the negative scenario, like divorce, for example. Divorces are never easy, but let’s reframe it. What are the positive outcomes of being divorced? You can now look at other relationships. You can also look forward to forming a better

relationship with the next person since you have learned valuable lessons. You have the freedom to do the things you couldn’t do while being in the previous relationship. You have taken a negative scenario and reframed it to give yourself an entirely different experience. Shifting your focus to more positive aspects just helps you have better clarity, thus enabling you to make better decisions.

Creating Submodalities- Submodalities in NLP are classified as visual, auditory, kinesthetic, and olfactory/gustatory. Each submodality represents the way we encode and attach meaning to our experiences. NLP believes that the brain codes emotional significance differently. This means everyone’s brain is going to code differently based on their own mental “image” or representation. Submodalities are among the NLP techniques, which can help you minimize your stress, either indirectly or directly. Using submodalities will help you learn to disassociate yourself from stress, so it doesn’t reflect in your behavior. Learning to listen to the way that you feel is your first step towards altering your submodalities. When you’re feeling a particularly strong or tense emotion, do something else that takes your mind away from focusing on the negative.

You need NLP to help you connect with your mind and understand your thoughts in a way you have never could before. What you think and feel, and what you want to say, will be two different things. NLP is meant to bridge the gap between your conscious and subconscious mind. It is about understanding what your brain is trying to tell you. Without this understanding, it would be challenging to connect yourself to your thoughts, which would then make it more difficult for you to regulate your behavior and body language. To learn to regulate your emotions, you must

be able to identify your current limitations and to break through them. NLP’s focus is about learning how to tap into the subconscious mind and become more adept at managing your emotions.

How the Body Influences Your Emotions A burst of laughter when something hilarious happens. Tears streaming down the cheeks in times of sadness. A frown that creases the forehead. The wave of nausea in response to the nervous butterflies in your stomach. A jolt of excitement when opening a present. One thing’s for sure; our emotions very clearly cause a physical response. The quick flashes of emotion that we feel in our bodies in the spur of the moment are only a tiny example of the way emotions impact us physically. So, just how deep is the connection between the mind and body? Does one affect the other? If so, how much?

The human body responds to our emotional health in several ways. Let’s look at an example of what might happen when our mental health is not doing so well. When you’re anxious, nervous, worried, or sad, the body’s pH levels begin fluctuating. This is responsible for the corresponding stomach aches, constipation, insomnia, or high blood pressure that is experienced. When you’re constantly unhappy or stressed, your immune system is compromised. When we experience anxiety, for example, our body’s pulse rate and breathing rate go into overdrive to enable our brains to get more oxygen. This helps us to respond effectively to any intensive situation. When this happens, our immune system gets a quick boost, and then when the stress passes, our body functions normally again at the right rate. However, repeatedly feeling anxious and stressed means that the body is on overdrive constantly and it never gets the chance to return to normal functioning. As a result, our immune system starts eroding, making us more

vulnerable to viral infections, diseases and we get ill very often too. If you’re wondering why you happen to fall sick during a lot easier during particularly stressful times, this is why. When you’re feeling moody or nervous, you’re a lot more likely to overlook your physical health too because it’s going to be the last thing on your mind. Instead, you’re going to succumb to the pesky temptations that slowly begin to feel harder to resist and you find yourself reaching for the unhealthy snacks or that glass of wine you know you shouldn’t.

Other ways our emotions influence our body include:

Affecting the Cardiovascular System - When we experience an anxiety attack, our heart rate begins to quicken, beating rapidly against the chest. This increases the heart rate, which is why those who suffer from anxiety or panic attacks often report experience heart palpitations and chest pain, sometimes mistaking it for a heart attack episode. If you already have heart disease, having anxiety, or being extremely emotional complicates this problem and further increases the risk of coronary problems.

Affecting the Respiratory System - The shallow breathing experienced when anxiety sets in makes it difficult to breathe, and if you already have chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, then you are at a greater risk of anxiety-related complications. For those dealing with asthma, anxiety, and being in a chronic state of heightened stressful emotions may worsen the asthma symptoms you have.

Affecting the Body’s Central Nervous System: Long term stress and anxiety cause our brains to release stress hormones regularly as a coping mechanism. While this happens, the body then starts getting headaches and experiences dizziness often. Eventually, this perpetual chronic state leads to depression. When a person starts feeling stressed and anxious, their nervous system is flooded with chemicals and hormones, namely adrenaline and cortisol, that are designed to respond to this threat. While this is helpful when you are actually going through a highly stressful event, long term exposure to stress hormones can be very harmful. Long term exposure to cortisol could also lead to weight gain.

Affecting the Digestive System - Experiencing strong waves of emotion could potentially affect your digestive system too, especially if what you’re dealing with is anxiety. Emotions can cause stomach aches, diarrhea, nausea, and a loss of appetite. Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and bowel infections due to the constant or lack thereof of bowel movements could be another potential side effect, depending on how much you’re affected by your emotions. IBS also causes diarrhea, vomiting, and constipation. Not very pleasant symptoms to experience.

Trying to keep a handle on your emotions takes a lot of determination and energy. When it feels like you’re exerting every ounce of willpower you have left to control your emotions, it can leave you feeling drained, tired, fatigued, aching, and sore physically. While emotions are a part of who we are, our bodies were not designed to handle adrenalin and cortisol for extended periods. Adrenaline leaves you sweaty, jumpy, and unable to relax, sometimes so frozen with fear that you can’t react anymore. To make

matters worse, dealing with insomnia that follows these stressful periods make it difficult to get the necessary restful sleep that you need at night. Being sleep-deprived only makes it harder to feel in control. But possibly the worst side-effect of all is the danger that you put your heart in when you struggle to control and regulate your emotions.

It’s not all bad news, though. As much as emotions can impact you negatively, they are also very capable of doing the opposite. When you’re feeling happy, for example, your breathing and heart rate improves. The brain releases more endorphins and dopamine, the happiness chemical that our bodies need to feel good. Feeling relaxed and content has also been thought to boost the growth of new brain cells, which, in turn, helps to improve our cognitive abilities and memory.

Emotions play a big role in our physical health. Learning to pay attention to these signs can be helpful in signaling that something may not be quite right with our emotional health. By listening to your body, you can begin taking the necessary action to influence the body in a positive way, improving your emotional and mental well-being in the process. The reason we end up becoming stressed and anxious and find it difficult to break out of this unhealthy cycle is that we do not place enough importance on mind, body, and soul health. Taking care of our bodies not only means just the physical aspects of it, but the mental and emotional aspects too. Too often, we’re so focused on the physical aspect that we neglect and forget there’s a whole

other aspect that needs attention and care too. We don’t realize the extent of what being weight down by stress, worry, and anxiety can do to us.

The best way to learn to control your emotions and use them to positively influence the body? Meditation. Consistent meditation disables the distractions we face by filtering it before it starts to bottleneck. It’s like a river dam that ensures the right amount of water flows and gets to where it needs to go. Meditation, in the same way, filters the less important data that we are exposed to and sends only the necessary and important info into our brain. In other words, it helps us determine what information should we focus on and what we do not need to focus on that may cause chronic anxiety. A study conducted by Dr. Sara Lazar in 2005 was a landmark study that showed the brains of those who meditated were much thicker and had more folds and surface area in their prefrontal cortexes. This study is used now by various neuroscientific and psychological researches as the go-to foundational study for other mental health issues such as depression. Those who meditate, even for 10 to 15 minutes a day, are usually anxiety-free, happy, and healthy.

Sometime in the 1970s, Harvard physician Herbert Benson looked at the behaviors of the patients who visited him because of their stress-related disorders. His observation led him to look at ways that he can counteract this association, simultaneously revolutionizing the mental care industry in the process. Dr. Benson’s discovery was the connection between the mind and body through meditation. It slowed metabolism, reduced the heart rate,

resulted in measured breathing and quieter brainwave activity. All of this combined brought out the right foundations for healing. When meditating, our body activates the parasympathetic nervous system and simultaneously deactivates the body’s stress mode. When this happens, the body reverses several health issues, primarily anxiety, supporting Dr. Benson’s research. The mind-body connection puts the body the meditative state it needs to relieve anxiety, manage stress, and control the strong, overwhelming emotions we all battle at some stage.

How Words Influence Your Emotions Being overly emotional can cause a difference in behavior. You become prone to behaving and talking in a way you normally wouldn’t. Once something has been said and done, that’s all there is to it. It can never be undone, and the words that have been spoken can never be forgotten. This is why you constantly need to work hard at maintaining control over one of the most powerful forces going on within you. The ability to know, understand, and appropriately respond to emotions, overcoming stress, and being aware of our words and actions and how they affect others is how we can become effective at learning to master our emotions too.

The language that we use most often determines our brain’s fundamental capacities and the automatic physiological we are subjected to because of that language. Therefore, awareness of the way we use our words is one of the most crucial factors that will determine the state of our emotional wellness. In other words, if you want to be happy, you need to be using the right words and language. We rely on language to interpret the different sensations, events, and experiences we undergo. We use language to put a name to the emotion that we’re feeling at the time. The different words that we use create different physiological responses. For example, two people could be going through the same situation. Person A says, “That’s alright, it could have been worse,” while Person B says, “This is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.” Person A is going to be the one with a better, slightly happier emotional well being by simply phrasing the same situation using different words.

Words can be a powerful force of good when used for the right reasons, but on the other end of the spectrum, it can be used to inflict great harm and pain. The pen is mightier than the sword stems from the very real fact that words can cause a great deal of pain and leave scars so deep they might never fully recover. English philosopher and writer Aldous Huxley once said words are like an X-ray. When words are used in negative ways, these words can pierce through almost everything. Dignity, self-esteem, even the identity of another can be threatened with the right kind of words.

To start using words in a way that creates a more positive influence on our emotional wellbeing, we need to start adjusting our words to reflect respect. Respect for our emotions and respect for the situations that are challenging us to become a better person through those experiences. We need to rephrase the language we use so that we’re embracing our emotions for what they are instead of trying to deny their presence. We need to use our words to understand our negative emotions instead of treating them like an enemy. In this case, metaphors can be powerful tools. They are often used in books, movies, and commercials to help convey and emphasize messages. They have the same powerful effect that positive affirmations do. To create a positive shift in mindset requires using only positive metaphors and descriptions, and finding the ones that work best for you.

To begin cultivating a new mindset, you need to start using words that inspire positivity when you speak them. Words like positive, optimistic, full

of potential, love, joy, happiness, and success. Eventually, these words will reflect your life. The mind hears exactly what you say, and it believes what you tell it as long as you don’t doubt yourself. Avoid trying to copy someone else’s metaphors because it has to be something that resonates deeply with you. It must be something you feel connected to, something which stirs up powerful emotions and fuels your desire to be better. Someone else’s metaphors may work well for them, but it may not necessarily work as well for you, because your priorities would be different. Hearing yourself use the right words is crucial. For instance, think about how you’ve been describing your life so far. What sort of words do you use? Are terms like mundane, stressed, miserable, or worried the first thing that spring to mind? These negative words can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Picture your ideal self. Visualize it as though it has already happened, and you are the person that you want to be. What do you see? If you were to look at yourself through another person’s eyes, would you be happy with the character traits that you see? Be crystal clear about the vision, and it will help you decide the words that you need to use to describe this ideal version of yourself. Be determined never to be associated with such negative descriptive words anymore. Now that you’re aware that words are more powerful than you might have initially given them credit for, here’s what you can do to ensure you’re using the right kind of words that influence your emotions in a positive way:

Focus on Making Positivity Your Motto - Focus on making positivity your default mode and teach others to do the same. If your mind is capable of complaining and being negative without even thinking about it, you can certainly start controlling your thoughts to accomplish the opposite. To become a more disciplined individual with an optimistic outlook in life, you need to imagine you are a motivational speaker and do what they do - preach and teach. At every appropriate opportunity, talk about positivity. It’s a contagious quality. So, you’ll not only encourage yourself, but you’ll also encourage others to be more positive. Plus, the practice of using positive dialogue is going to reaffirm the words in your mind the most you use them.

Take A Cue From Books - Successful people read a lot. Thus, they are in perpetual control of their thoughts, projecting only what they want into their reality. You are now entering the early stages of learning to be in the driver’s seat to be the one in control of your mind instead of giving it this same power. These early phases are the most crucial. It’s when your mind is beginning to relearn, regrow. A rebirth, so to speak. To help it grow, you need to feed it with the nourishment that comes in the form of inspirational books. Devour regularly and consistently. Observe the language that is used in these books, make a note of it and try to use the same kind of language in your everyday life. The more inspirational they are, the better. Any book that will drive your determination, self-discipline, and willpower. Stock up on books that equip and empower you to realize your dreams. Fill your library with them.

Be an Edison - Thomas Edison, that is. Thomas Edison could not have said it better when he said, am I’m paraphrasing, I did not fail, I simply found 1000 ways not to make a lightbulb. After all, if Edison

had let it stop him, we wouldn’t be benefiting from his incredible accomplishments today. Do you see how the words he used changed his perception? What everyone else saw as a failure, he simply perceived as a learning opportunity. Similarly, our mistakes can provide great teaching moments. This simple way of controlling your thoughts and the words you use can make a big difference.

Creating A Motivational Environment - Create a conducive environment that induces positivity with images of motivational quotes, sayings, mantras, or goals around the space. Anything that will drive you is a welcome addition. Print out vibrant, colorful posters and imagery of words or pictures that inspire you. Choose images that motivate you to focus and follow through with your current task. If you work in a cubicle, write motivational quotes on post-it notes and stick it around your space.

Chapter 125: Masterful Control People have specific ways of processing and dealing with the negative emotions they feel. Some choose to avoid them; others choose to deny them. Some people choose to play the victim card by trying to make their misery seem bigger than anyone else’s. It’s not uncommon for the latter group to say something like this: “You think your life is miserable? You don’t even know half of what I’ve been through.” There is, however, one group of individuals who succeed. They are the ones who choose to learn from their emotions and find better-coping strategies. They are the ones who successfully overcome their unhappiness because they choose to learn from their emotions. They have realized that only they have the power to change the way they feel.

No emotion is going to be stronger than your desire for change. The moment you decide to change is the moment change happens. You start to bring about a shift in your emotions when you decide you want to turn things around. Let’s go back to emotional intelligence again real quick and see how the core pillars are going to help you as you learn to masterfully control your anger, depression, and anxiety. To recap, the five core pillars of emotional intelligence are:

Self-awareness Self-regulation

Empathy Motivation Social skills.

Each pillar now plays a specific role that is essential in changing your perception and the way you view and handle things that happen in your life. Masterful control through emotional intelligence happens when:

You Develop a Greater Sense of Self-Awareness - By far the most important pillar out of the entire five, self-awareness is the foundation that sets the standard for the other four pillars. Particularly when it comes to conquering your emotions. To be so aware of your emotions and the way that it affects you as well as the people around you is a skill that not a lot of people have mastered because it’s not as easy as it sounds. On paper, it does but put it into practice, and you’ll see what a challenge it can be to shift your emotions if you don’t understand what it is that you’re feeling.

You Learn to Be Assertive - Anxiety and depression, for example, can cause many people to be wary of or afraid of their emotions. As such, they have difficulty expressing and asserting the way they feel. Emotional intelligence encourages awareness about the way you feel, and to regulate your emotions enough, so they don’t have to feel more powerful than you are. You are stronger than any emotion that you feel.

You Respond More Than You React - Responding negatively results in subsequent negative reactions, leading to anxiety, negativity, chronic worry, and of course, depression. Emotional intelligence is the necessary skill needed to stay calm in any stressful situation. By being aware of your emotions and regulating them in the way that is needed, you’re able to mitigate your reactions by refraining from impulsive decisions. Before you respond to anything that you go through with immediate anxiety and negativity as your default reaction, think about the situation rationally. Is it really as bad as it seems? 90% of the time, things feel a lot worse than they really are because of the way we choose to respond. By learning to respond without reacting, you’re assessing the situation internally and acknowledging the way you feel, but on the outside, you try to maintain and calm and cool composure without giving away how you feel. This gets easier to do with emotional intelligence, which gives you the capacity to (even in your highly emotional state) to understand the consequences of your actions.

How to Master and Control Anger You can hold a grudge for years because of your anger. You know people whom you have not spoken to for a very long time because you still feel anger towards them. You find yourself having dangerous suicidal thoughts, perhaps even have tendencies of violence. You are unable to express your anger appropriately, choosing instead to keep it buried inside. Your anger is preventing you from living a meaningful, happy life. You constantly find yourself feeling disgruntled, irritated, and frustrated more than you are happy, and even the smallest of instances could set you off because of it. You’re verbally, emotionally (sometimes even physically) abusive towards others around you. You find that it spills over not just into your personal life, but professional life as well. Any of these scenarios sound familiar to you? If yes, then it’s entirely possible you’ve got an anger problem that you need to now learn how to control.

If you think anger is only a problem when it’s violent temper tantrums and shouting matches, think again. Repressed anger can be just as much of a problem. This unexpressed anger works the same way as a volcano does. It bubbles and boils under the surface until one day when something sets you off, all that repressed anger just comes shooting out with catastrophic consequences. Anger, which is not expressed or shown, is just as bad as anger, which is blatantly displayed. Either way you spin it, anger is a very real problem that can’t be ignored any longer. Not if you want to become a true master of your emotions, at least.

Controlling your anger is not about suppression. Suppression is not the goal. The goal here is to learn how to control that anger, to understand why you are reacting the way that you are. To learn how to respond better without jumping to anger as your first immediate reaction. To be able to effectively handle situations that would have normally aggravated you without losing control. That is the goal of learning how to control your anger. Denying your anger issues is one of the WORST things you could do. More importantly, it will not help you learn to control it. Facing your less than desirable qualities may not be something that you want to do, but living in denial and ignoring it never solved anything either. The more you deny your emotions and anger issues, the worst it will be for you when it comes to managing it. A more likely scenario is you find yourself feeling angrier and losing your temper even more because you feel helpless and unable to control the situation.

Mastering your angry emotions, like everything else, comes down to the right coping techniques and skills to get the situation (your emotions) under control. To effectively do that, you need to:

Look At The Root Reason - Anger always stems from something. There is always a cause and a trigger. Your childhood, a previous traumatic experience, your role models growing up, your stress levels. All these things add up and could build towards anger problems. To begin learning how to control your anger, you must first explore and connect with the core reason anger is your first line of response is how you to control it. Did you know that your anger is very often a response that is meant to cover-up other feelings that you may have?

That is why exploring the root reason is the only way to treat the problem at its core. What are those feelings? Jealousy? Embarrassment? Hurt? Shame? Insecurity? These are some of the reason you need to think about. When was the last time you asked yourself: “Why am I REALLY angry?”

Distract, Don’t React - Anger is such a disruptive emotion. It causes a lot of hurt, pain, trauma, and worse, physical hurt at times. All common sense just seems to go out the window in the heat of the moment. Distract instead of reacting is not always easy, but it does get better with practice. Instead of choosing to act on your emotions, deflect your attention elsewhere until you’ve forgotten about what it was that was threatening your temper. You need to distance yourself from your emotions for as long as it takes until you are properly distracted enough to forget what it was you were about to feel angry about.

Think Happy Thoughts, Do Happy Things - Peter Pan may have got it right when he said: “Think happy thoughts.” People who struggle with anger issues have a lot of misery and unhappiness inside them. How can you learn to control your anger if you’re still harboring all that negativity inside you? There’s nothing better at getting rid of all those unhappy, miserable feelings than to very simply think about and do something that makes you happy. Indulge in a passion or a hobby, throw yourself into an activity that you love. A happier state of mind makes it easy to think with a clearer head, you don’t get as worked up so easily anymore, and it becomes much easier to learn how to control your anger issues.

Emotional Journaling - It may not be for everyone, but when it comes to controlling your anger issues, it can be very therapeutic. One of the challenges when it comes to anger is that you’re so overwhelmed with all sorts of emotion (anger, frustration, irritation) that it all comes out all at once. A lot of people tend to strike out or lash out in anger because they don’t have proper channels or outlets to release that anger unto. This is where a journal comes in handy. It gives you a safe and private place where you can express every feeling and emotion you have without the fear of being ridiculed or judged. Even better, it is possible the safest outlet for you to release your feelings of anger with repercussions, without hurting anyone or yourself in the process.

How to Master and Control Depression Negative experiences affect our brains in a much bigger way. When someone hurls hurtful words in your direction, it’s not always easy to brush it off and even harder to forget about it. Even if 10 good things happened to you today, all it takes is one bad event to make you forget about the other 10 completely. It’s all you’ll focus on for the rest of the day, and your mood takes a significant turn for the worst when it does. You could remember those encounters for days, weeks, years, maybe even throughout your lifetime. It’s the same reason why those suffering from depression have a hard time pulling themselves out of that negative emotional cycle. Feeling down or miserable occasionally is not uncommon. It’s the way we respond and cope with the events or situations that take place in our lives. Our emotions need an outlet.

Clinical depression is the one you need to worry about. There is a very big difference between feeling blue occasionally and being depressed. Feeling unhappy or sad every now and then are emotions that pass or get better with time. Depression does not. It is an intense emotion lasts a lot longer. It impacts your ability to function in your daily routine, and it is important that you take this seriously. The problem is that it’s not always easy to tell when someone is going through depression. The changes in their mood and behavior could happen so gradually that it is barely noticeable, and therefore, the signs are easy to miss. Even harder if the person going through the emotion does not want to talk about the way they feel. It is a

condition that comes in several forms, some of which may require treatment or medication to treat the problem.

Depression can be a difficult condition to overcome, but the important thing to remember here is that it can be done. Yes, it may take a considerably long time and a lot of effort and help to overcome that hill, but when you do, things eventually start to feel like they are getting much better. The key to overcoming depression is to be patient and give yourself time to heal.

Taking Each Day as It Comes - Give yourself a break and remember that some things take time. There’s no magic cure, no formula that is going to take your depression away overnight. The best recovery technique you can start with is to take things one day at a time. Don’t try to do too much too soon. Take it one day at a time, and remember, if you don’t succeed today, there is always tomorrow.

Find Your Reason When You Feel Like Quitting - Depression is a dangerous emotion because of the suicidal thoughts it can cause when it leads you down that dark path. As hard as it is, you need to find a reason to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. Even more so on the days where you feel like quitting and giving up entirely. Keep going because all we can do is take one step forward. Having a goal or something to fight for will help you with this stage. It can be one reason, two, or several. Depression can make it seem like life is not worth living, but even in our darkest hours, there is always something to be grateful for. Always. It’s only the overwhelming feelings you’re

experiencing that make it difficult to count your blessings. Let that be your reason.

All You Need Is One - Tying in with the point above, all you need is one reason to be grateful each day to start taking steps toward conquering your depression once and for all. Use this reason as an anchor that leads you through the rest of the day. Repeat your reason throughout the day as a reminder that even in your darkest moments, there is at least one thing in your life you are still grateful for. Family, for example. Or the love of a supportive partner. Anything that gives you a reason to keep going. Focus on one to start and gradually work your way up as you start to feel better. Each time you feel your thoughts starting to get the best of you, return to your reason to be grateful today and concentrate on that until you feel better.

This Is Not Forever - There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It might not seem like it, but there is. The unhappiness and misery will not last forever unless you allow it to. Sad times will come and go. Each time you feel overwhelmed with depression, remind yourself that this storm will pass. This darkness is not going to last forever, not when you keep fighting each day to see the light again. It’s going to take a lot of courage and willpower on your part, but if the will to be happy once more and master your emotions is strong enough, it can be done.

Exhibit Kindness - Especially to yourself. Depression has a way of making you feel like the lowest person in the world. That you’re unworthy and unlovable. If you’re going to feel happy again, you need kindness as a start, especially toward yourself. Accept the way

that you feel because your emotions are part of who you are. It’s not wrong to feel the way you do, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it. Judging yourself too harshly is a bad habit that must be broken for the sake of your mental and emotional wellbeing as well as happiness. Good or bad, emotions are part of who you are. Own them. Every single one, even the ones that make you anxious.

Do Good for Others - Since depression can leave you with a lot of bad feelings and unhappy emotions, it’s time to balance that out. One way to counter the negative emotions is to do something good that lifts your spirits. Empower yourself by doing something good for someone else without expecting anything in return. If you can do something good for someone, do it. If it makes their day better and puts a smile on their face. Knowing that you’ve made a difference in someone’s life will remind you that you’re not as “useless” or “hopeless” as depression would have you believe. Focusing on doing good takes your mind away from the worries for a moment.

How to Master and Control Anxiety Anxiety is an emotion that can easily be confused with and mistaken as fear. An easy way to distinguish between the two emotions would be to remember this rule of thumb: Anxiety is less intense, but the effects are more prolonged, and a response related to anxiety-causing triggers. Fear, on the other hand, is more of an immediate reaction to events or stimuli that are especially threatening. For many, anxiety is an all too familiar state of mind. Everyone experiences this to some degree throughout the various stages of our life. Most of the time, it is uncomfortable but still manageable. Others may deal with it more frequently, and when they do, anxiety becomes a nuisance, a hindrance, and sometimes feels like mental torture disrupting their daily routine when it culminates in a panic attack.

There are two parts to looking at the brain. One is the emotional part, while the other is the cognitive domain. The frontal lobe is where all our thoughts and the different sensations we experience come together. This also happens to be the cognitive part of the brain. The emotional part of the brain is where the amygdala lies. When we feel anxious, the emotional part of the brain starts to go into overdrive, overpowering the cognitive part, and that seeps into our consciousness. Anxiety has a way of creeping up on you, and you can’t explain why. At times, excessive anxiety can even lead to a fullblown panic attack. For those who deal with anxiety and frequent panic attacks, their way of responding to anything the brain perceives as overwhelming can block their ability to function normally. When anxiety

becomes a problem, our brain functions differently, such as failing to function or setting off irrational behaviors.

Anxiety is normal. Fear and panic attacks are normal. Feeling like these emotions are stronger than you are is normal. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to live with this condition forever. You’re not the only one who is struggling to get a handle on their emotions. Everyone who has ever dealt with chronic anxiety feels the same way you do. The only difference is some people have learned to control their anxious feelings better than others. Ignoring your problems won’t make it go away, and neither will it help to agonize over them. Masking the issues with medication is only a short term solution. You need something a lot more powerful and stronger than that. You’re not alone in your struggles to overcome anxiety. There are millions of people out there going through the same thing you are. The decision to reclaim power over your life includes mastering and controlling anxiety using the following techniques:

Step Away from the Problem - Stepping away from the problem can sometimes help to put things into perspective and give you the time you need to calm down. Often, our anxious thoughts and worries can seem magnified and worse than they should when we continue to be entangled with what’s triggering it. Give yourself the time and space you need by taking a step back when things start to feel out of control.

The Game of 5 - The Game of 5 is more of a distraction technique, whereby you try to get your mind off whatever it is that is triggering

your anxiety by forcing it to focus on something else instead. Anxiety can leave you feeling trapped in your negative thoughts, and what you need to do to get a handle on your emotions now is to distract your mind and force it to think about something else. Look around you and say out loud the five things you can see the five sounds you can hear, and the five areas of your body you’re trying to be mindfully aware of.

Re-labeling Your Thoughts - It’s easy to get carried away by your emotions when you feel a surge of anxiety happening. The racing heartbeat, difficulty breathing, chest tightness, and inability to think clearly can make it seem like the world is caving in around you. But if you allow your thoughts to focus on that, it’s only going to make the situation much worse. Instead of thinking, “This is horrible, I can’t do this,” re-label those thoughts. Say “This is a panic attack, I’m anxious, but I’m alright because I’ve dealt with this before. I need to try and stay calm and figure things out one step at a time” while practicing deep, controlled, measured breaths all the while. Remember, panic and anxiety attacks never last for long; you’ve been through them, so you know that’s true. It’s now a matter of learning how to ride out the storm and discover the right coping skills.

Seek Help - Don’t be afraid to ask for help when something seems too overwhelming; going through a challenge always feels more manageable when you’ve got someone you can trust to help you through it. Your emotions matter, no matter what you may feel, and there’s no need to be ashamed of them. When you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, seek help. You’ll be a lot better off than trying to deal with it alone.

Don’t Fight Your Feelings - The more you try to resist something, the worse it becomes. What you need to do instead is to accept that you are feeling anxiety and panic. acknowledge that you do have thoughts which cause you to panic, and then question them by using the challenge your thoughts technique.

Focus On The Facts - When you start having an anxious thought, stop, and ask yourself why this is happening? What is the root cause of that worry, and is it justifiable to worry this much about it? Take a moment to question if your worry is viable, or if it is an unfounded worry. Challenge your thoughts by focusing on the facts first, rather than the immediate overwhelming emotion.

Continuously Learn - Not knowing exactly what you’re dealing with can make a bad situation seem worse. Learning about your anxiety is the only way to overcome it. Assessing each trigger should now become a norm as you educate yourself on why you feel the way you do. The more information you have to go on, the easier it will become to see that your fears can be easily overcome once you know the right coping mechanisms to do it. Maybe your triggers are not as bad as they initially seemed, now that you’re armed with knowledge.

Standing Tall - Turns out that the whole “shoulders back and chest forward” is not just an exercise in confidence alone. Anxiety causes an indirect hunching of the upper body, a subconscious way of trying to protect ourselves. By standing straight up, pushing your shoulders back, thrusting your chest forward, and with your feet planted firmly apart opens the pathway around your chest area. This makes

regulating your breaths a lot easier, especially the deep breathing that is needed to relax your anxious mind.

Use Humor to Diffuse the Situation - One of the best natural remedies for stress and anxiety that does not cost you a dime. Real, genuine laughter is one of the best remedies you could feed your mind and your body because laughter releases dopamine, a chemical that invokes feelings of pleasure and happiness in our bodies. When you are laughing, it is impossible to feel any kind of stress or tension during the process, and it is impossible to feel anxiety when you’re having a good, honest laugh.

Sound Therapy - There is scientific proof that music and sound therapy has been a proven and effective method of relaxing our stressed and frazzled nerves. Indigenous cultures have been relying on sound therapy and music for centuries as a way of improving their health, although they probably didn’t know exactly what is about music that had such a positive effect on their minds and bodies. Thanks to neuroscientists in the UK, there is one specific tune that is the most effective at helping you manage your anxiety. Participants involved in the study were given several puzzles which they attempted to solve quickly. The puzzles given to them were designed to induce and trigger stress. While they were attempting to solve these puzzles, the participants were given several songs to listen to at the same time. The researchers began measuring their brain activity and psychological states during this time, including tracking their heart rate, breathing, and blood pressure levels during this entire process. It was this song in particular that produced the best results, with an astounding 65% reduction in the overall levels of anxiety these participants felt. The name of the song? Weightless by Marconi Union.

How Sleep Can Change Your Mood Could sleep problems and sleep deprivation be linked to anxiety and depression? As it turns out, they just might. A 2017 study even revealed the possible link between depression and its effect on our immune system, and that habits which were associated with depression. This included a lack of sleep and physical activity that could potentially increase your chances of contracting more illnesses. Moreover, researchers have already done a study into the subject of suppressing your emotions and the impact that it has on sleep quality, and what they discovered is what we’ve known deep down all along. The participants involved in the study who kept their emotions buried inside experience more anxiety, sadness, anger, and fear in their dreams than those who didn’t. They also had more difficulty sleeping and struggled with tiredness during the day. When they did sleep, their sleep was often interrupted. In their everyday lives, these participants also experienced more stress, unhappiness, anxiety, and depression than the participants who expressed their emotions regularly.

Chronic sleep loss and sleep problems are particularly more prominent in those with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and even ADHD. It could potentially lead to chronic insomnia, which then leads to even higher chances of developing these emotional and mental disorders. Harvard Medical School’s Dr. Lawrence Epstein talks about the relationship between psychiatric and psychological problems and sleep. People who are already anxious and depressed tend to have difficulty sleeping because of

those disorders. Trouble getting a good night’s sleep at night could be the first symptom of depression.

Circadian rhythms are what govern our sleep cycles. They determine what time we rise in the morning and what time we go to bed at night. When we listen to our circadian rhythms, our body is in harmony. Think of your body functioning like an orchestra. When we listen to the circadian rhythm of our bodies, every note is perfectly and beautifully executed, creating wonderful, melodious music. But when you start ignoring the biological rhythm, your body was meant to follow, what you end up with is a cacophony of noises instead of beautiful music. Why does this happen? Because it is the circadian rhythm that governs our hormones and body temperature, along with other physiological changes that tell us when we should be relaxed and when we should be alert. Getting enough sleep helps with your emotions. Whenever you’re feeling distressed, it could be aggravated even further if you lack sleep. During the REM (Rapid Eye Movement) stage of our sleep cycle is when the stress-related hormones we produced are reduced significantly. It is during this stage that our brains start to mellow down, and lessen the pain that we feel from the emotions that caused us distressed in the first place since the chemicals responsible for these emotions are not being produced while we sleep.

Sleep is a very personal thing. Not everyone needs the same amount of sleep to function at their optimum level. But the one thing we all share in common is that sleep is important. You need to get enough sleep at night,

and it’s not only because your emotions become so much harder to control when you’re sleep deprived, either. One study published in 2010 took a group of participants and randomized them into placebo or codeine. The study then measured the quality of their sleep and discovered that those in the sleepier group were the ones who turned out to be more sensitive to pain. The quality of the participants’ sleep was also measured in the study, and what the researchers found out was that codeine did not work as well with the sleepy group. Another 2012 study confirmed these findings. This time, the participants in the second study were randomized based on normal sleep habits or extended sleep habits. Pain sensitivity in both groups was then measured and found out that extended sleep was associated with reduced levels of pain sensitivity.

Of course, with sleep deprivation, your emotional empathy is at risk too. In a 2014 study, another group of participants was randomized into three groups this time. Group 1 was not allowed to sleep, while Group 2 was allowed to sleep normally. Both these groups were examined both in the morning and at night. Group 3 served as a control, and they were examined during the day. Participants from all three groups were given to measure direct and indirect empathy. Direct empathy is described as the way you feel about someone else, for example, when you feel angry about what happened to someone else. Indirect empathy is the way that it affects you, for example, when you feel nauseous, or your heart rate rises. Group 1, which is the sleep-deprived group, had significantly less direct empathy and indirect emotional empathy. The participants were measured twice in the study just to confirm the findings. Over the years, several other cohort

studies have also confirmed that sleep deprivation is linked to obesity and diabetes too.

So, if you’re feeling particularly emotional, try to get enough sleep and notice what a difference it makes in the way that you think and feel when you wake up the next morning. Especially in terms of your ability to remain calm and control your emotions.

Chapter 126: Emotional Intelligence in an Angry World It’s a feeling you’re all too familiar with. Your heart starts beating fast. Your breathing becomes quick and shallow. All sorts of angry thoughts are running through your mind, and you’re getting angrier by the minute. Anger.

Something that we all feel from time to time. But as a society, we’re generally not very good at handling our anger. One reason why this happens is that we tend to think of anger as a negative emotion. The thing is, anger is actually a neutral emotion. It’s what we do with it that makes it either positive or negative. Some people have done great things when faced with anger, righting the wrongs that they see, marched for good causes, and advocated for better things that they have been angry about. Other people, though, have done some pretty terrible things in a fit of rage. They’ve become aggressive, destructive, even violent, all examples of how anger can become negative when used for the wrong reasons. Anger is one of our core emotions as a human being, used to describe the way that we feel, and it helps us identify and connect with what is happening around us. What you do with anger is entirely up to you. It can be used to propel you in a positive way, or propel you in the opposite direction too.

On its own, though, anger is neutral, but like most people, you’ve probably thought of anger in a negative context. Most people are either afraid of this emotion or try to deny the emotion altogether. It’s easy to see why anger has developed an unpleasant reputation. In moments of anger, we make poor decisions. We lose all sense of rationale, and our emotional intelligence ceases to exist. All we feel is pure rage (in extreme cases), the blood pounding in our veins, and our muscles become tense and angry. Anger is a raw emotion that can lead you to do things you ordinarily would not do. Anger seems to hijack all our common sense and makes it impossible to make good decisions when we are consumed by this emotion. All we end up doing is either hurting ourselves, the people around us, and feel full of regret with how badly the situation was handled.

Understanding Your Anger Different people would have different emotional triggers that set off this reaction, and there could be several factors that cause you to feel angry. Some examples of these triggers include:

You feel powerless. You don’t feel accomplished. You experience an unfair treatment against you or someone else. You’ve been lied to. You are ignored or mistreated. You think you’re being neglected. You experience verbal or physical assault. You think your colleagues are not pulling their weight. You secretly resent having to take on more responsibility. You witness an injustice. You’re disappointed. Promises are broken. Things don’t go your way.

There is also the fact that some people generally have a shorter fuse than others do. Other possible reasons behind why you find yourself losing your

temper more often than you should include:

Your Personality and Temperament- Competitive personalities tend to have shorter fuses because those with this personality type generally insist or demand that things go their way. We’re not wired the same way. Some act quicker, while others need more time to process their next move. Some jump to action without thinking twice, while others need more time to ponder the consequences. Some people are more outgoing and adventurous; some are more laid back and introverted.

Your Role Models - Did you have parents or other family members who were quick to anger? Sometimes the cause of our short fuses is because the role models we had are what we can identify with. We don’t know any other way because this is how we were raised. If one or both of your parents had a tendency to be quick to anger, chances are you’re likely to have that same tendency too. If that’s the kind of environment you grew up in, you’re probably not going to see anything wrong with it until it’s pointed out to you.

Mood Disorders - An undiagnosed personality disorder could be the trigger for your short fuse without even realizing it. Bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety are all potential triggers because it won’t take much to make you angry. If you do suspect you may have any of these mood disorders, it is best that you seek professional help and don’t leave it undiagnosed.

Higher Stress Levels - No surprises here that stress could be a cause for your short fuse. Being under a lot of pressure could lead to abrupt outbursts, temper tantrums, and irrational behavior. It is your body’s way of reacting to the stress that you already feel.

Inability to Communicate Expressively - When you have a hard time making yourself understood or expressing yourself, it can often lead to a lot of feelings of frustration. Poor communication skills can lead to a lot of misunderstanding, which could lead to arguments which cause your temper to rise because you feel like your point is not getting across. Poor communication skills are yet another potential trigger for why you may have a shorter fuse than others.

Sleep Deprivation - A lack of sleep could also act as a potential trigger for a short fuse. Have you ever noticed how things seem much harder or require more effort when you’re feeling tired and fatigued from lack of sleep? You feel cranky, irritable, and even the smallest of things seem like a big deal. Your body is tired, your nerves are frayed, and a lack of sleep makes you less efficient than what you normally would be. Therefore, it doesn’t take much to trigger your temper when you’re sleep-deprived.

There could be so many possible scenarios and situations that could cause a person to get angry or upset about it. One of the things that you would need to do towards learning how to manage your anger would be to identify the triggers that set you off, so you can then learn to recognize them. We can break down our anger-response to hormonal levels. The amygdala triggers a response to irritating information or frightening situations. Our “fight or

flight” response to annoyances is related to the hormones the brain releases, primarily epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine (noradrenaline). These hormones result in emotional and physical responses to make us alert and energized. We sometimes call the ensuing sensation an “adrenaline rush.”

Typically, there are four responses that occur when anger is triggered:

Assertiveness - You’re appropriately managing and working through your anger. You’re in control and retain your ability to communicate the way you feel towards the person who might have triggered these emotions inside you.

Aggression - This happens when your anger is being unleashed.

Passive-Aggressiveness - On the outside, you’re agreeable. On the inside, you’re seething and angry but doing your best not to let it show.

Passive - On the surface, you appear calm, and that’s because you’re storing all your anger and stockpiling it.

Left unchecked, anger could, directly and indirectly, affect your health. It is causing your health problems without you even realizing it. Some examples

of how anger is indirectly affecting your health, including increasing your risks of a heart attack because of the constant stress that you feel. It also increases your blood pressure and cholesterol levels, making you prone to having health-related problems because of that stress. It could cause obesity. The way it directly affects your health is by hampering your decision-making process. You can’t make rational, appropriate decisions when you’re blinded by anger all the time. It drives you to physical injuries too. For example, you could punch something in anger, which ends up hurting you. Or worse, you could punch someone else, which causes physical injury to another person. Neither of which is good, of course. Anger could drive some towards alcoholic tendencies, lead to road rage, make it difficult to concentrate, and more.

Besides, constant, chronic anger is only going to increase your chances of contracting heart-related diseases like high blood pressure or heart attacks. Anger is connected to the heart because epinephrine and norepinephrine constrict your blood vessels, which then makes your heart pump much harder. These two hormones also happen to be responsible for increasing glucose and fatty acids in the blood, which only leads to damaged arteries and speeds up the process of atherosclerosis. Luckily, there are healthy ways of learning how to control that anger.

Anger Management Techniques Anger is completely normal, and it’s important to start using the right language around this emotion. When you’re angry, acknowledge that this is how you feel right now. To learn how to manage and control your anger, you’ll need to rely on your prefrontal cortex, which is the area that controls your judgment. Without the prefrontal cortex, you could act aggressively toward others. In 1848, Phinneas Gage was at work when a large iron rod shot through his left cheek and exited through the top of his head. Miraculously, he survived the accident, but his frontal lobe was severely damaged as a result. After the accident, Gage was reportedly fitful, irreverent, and “had the animal passions of a strong man.” Evidently, the damage to his frontal lobe destroyed his ability to control his behavior. He became a man who was incapable of self-constraint.

No matter what form your anger may take. However, there is one thing that they all have in common - they are bad for your health and emotional state of being. Not only that, but harboring so much anger within you all the time can lead to risky, violent, and dangerous behavior patterns.

Practicing Forgiveness - Forgiving someone who wronged you is never an easy process. Getting angry is easy. In just a snap of your fingers, you can immediately get angry. But forgiveness? That’s going to take a lot more work. In fact, for those with severe anger issues that are capable of holding a grudge for years, this is like asking them to do the impossible. It is much easier to hold onto a grudge than it is to forgive. That’s why they call forgiveness the act of being the bigger

person. It takes great inner strength to truly forgive wholeheartedly without expecting anything in return. It is a skill which you must learn. Very rarely are people born with the ability to forgive as quickly as they can get angry.

Being Mindful Of Your Tone - To effectively communicate in a heated argument, you will need to exercise a lot of self-control on your part. Self-control is going to come into play with the way that you manage your tone of voice, to make sure that your volume is not escalating with every sentence that you speak. A challenging exercise to master in the beginning, but it can be done with patience and a lot of practice. This will allow you to remain assertive, yet calm enough not to start yelling and be blinded by anger.

Choosing to Stay Silent - If you can’t say something nice, then it’s best to say nothing at all. When you’re in an angry confrontation, the more you say, the worse things become. Once something has been said, it can never be undone, and in some cases, no amount of apologizing will be enough to remedy the situation. Why not try the opposite approach and choose to just be quiet instead? Understandably, it is going to take a lot of willpower on your part, but it is much, much better than digging yourself into an even deeper hole just to satisfy the urge to say something. Go off into a quiet corner or space where you can be by yourself until you have relaxed enough to come back to the situation again. It will save you a lot of regrettable behavior in the long run. Whenever you’re angry, put up a good fight with yourself and choose to remain quiet instead.

Stay Away from Angry People - If you’ve got a short fuse and you’re trying your best to learn to control your anger, do yourself a favor and stay away from angry people. The same way you would stay away from negative or toxic people if you want to achieve success in your life. If you want to learn how to become a better, less angry person, you need to stay far away from other angry people. Even if they are your friends, this is something that must be done. If you don’t keep a distance from them, they could significantly set you back in your efforts to control your anger. We’d like to think we are strong, but negative behavior patterns have a way of rubbing off on us, despite our best efforts.

Indulge in Laughter - Laughter truly is the best remedy for just about any situation. Whenever you feel that you need to calm down and manage your anger, find something, or do something that makes you laugh. Listen to a funny story, read a joke, watch something that makes you burst with laughter, and lighten your mood. Nothing cures anger faster than just having a good, hearty laugh.

Use Emotional Intelligence for Resilience - Having a better mindset will involve you working on building up your resilience. This means that you will have to become a more determined individual to no longer let challenges and setbacks affect you mentally and emotionally. To keep persisting even when things are difficult. Building up your resilience until you are a stronger person mentally and emotionally will help you control your anger in a way that you were never able to before.

Active Listening and Empathy - If you’re in an argument with someone, learn to listen actively to what it is they’re saying. Listening actively means being mindful of everything the other person is saying. You’re making a conscious effort to actively receive and process the information that is being given to you, and you’re able to connect with what’s being said, reflect on the information, and finally be able to provide constructive, thoughtful, and proactive responses because of it. Listening and listening actively are two different things. The latter will help you to empathize more with the person you’re in an argument with and see where they are coming from. This, in turn, will help to minimize the possibility of the argument escalating to a point that you will both regret later on. By listening actively, you will see that every problem can be resolved amicably, and there is no real reason to bring anger into the mix at all.

Resist the Urge For The Last Word - The constant need to be right, to always have the last word just to quench your satisfaction and ego is exactly how anger makes problems and arguments a lot worse. Resist the urge to always have the final say. It is not always about you. If you want to resolve problems without having to resort to anger, learn to swallow your pride, and resist the urge to fight back. Resist the urge to always counter what someone else is saying with another defensive argument of your own. That does nothing to help the situation.

Does Your Environment Affect Your Emotions? To a certain extent, yes, it does. Your environment has a big impact on the way that you feel. The place you spend most of your time is going to weigh on your mind subconsciously. Like the role models example above. If you surround yourself in that kind of environment constantly, it’s all you’re going to know and all that you can identify with. You may not be actively thinking about your surroundings, but it’s there in the back of your mind.

If you find it hard to remain positive throughout the day, do a quick scan of your surroundings, and observe what the sources of negativity may be. Your cluttered workstation? The toxic colleague who is constantly complaining and talking negatively about other colleagues behind their back? Maybe that pile of paperwork you’ve been postponing for a while now and haven’t gotten around to doing yet. Once you’ve identified a potential source, ask yourself what you can do to rectify the problem. Can the source be removed entirely? If it can’t what else could you do to spend less time around this negative source in a week? Cultivate a positive environment for yourself, one that is going to make it easier to nurture these positive emotions and help you grow. Change your environment, and you change your emotions.

Why Does Music Influence Emotions? Music can affect both our physiology as well as our emotions. It is a ubiquitous phenomenon. We make music, and almost everyone listens to music daily. Music sets the right mood, bonds you with others, and it even creates shared experiences. Listening to the music that you and a friend associate the memory with can bring you right back to that moment as though you were reliving it all over again. So, why does music have the power to influence our emotions?

Music has the power to instantly change your mood. Try a little experiment on your own. Pick two pieces of music, one happy and upbeat, and the other more ominous and gloomy. Close your eyes and play excerpts from those two pieces and observe the way you feel as you immerse yourself in the melody. Did you notice how you automatically started bobbing your head a little to the upbeat, happy music? Maybe even smiled or did a little jig on the spot? Whereas the more ominous music probably made you feel a little sad, and you couldn’t wait to switch back to the upbeat music again because listening to that felt so much better. Why does music influence the brain in this way and more importantly, how do we use this to our advantage to feel happier?

Some research suggests that we spend approximately 40% of our waking hours listening to music. As humans, we have the ability to create, respond, and move to the beat of the music. We grow up surrounded by sound and music. It is in our environment everywhere we go and a part of

who we are. Children clap their hands when they hear music even before they learn how to talk. We play music to get over a breakup. We dance and have a good time when we’re singing along to our favorite tunes. Music in the movies can send chills down your spine, create excitement, even give you goosebumps when it’s time with the scene perfectly. This has a lot to do with the connection between music and the brain

When you’re listening to a song you find pleasurable, it activates the reward area system in your brain the same way drugs and alcohol do. The right hemisphere of the brain is given preferential treatment when it is activated as we listen to a song we find particularly emotional. Interestingly enough, this area of the brain is still activated even if you’re just imagining the tune in your mind. Music is renowned for its therapeutic properties too, proving successful in the treatment of clinical depression and seizures. If you want to deliberately regulate your emotions, it turns out music might be the way to go.

Music influences our emotions because of the expressive emotional movement it creates. Every emotion we express has an accompanying movement or expression. When we’re happy, our tone of voice is higher, we sound jubilant, and we probably walk with a spring in our step. Someone who is unhappy, on the other hand, is going to sound less than enthused and probably drag their feet when they walk. Just by listening or visualizing the way the footsteps sound, you can gauge the emotion the person might be feeling. Music affects our emotions because of the

expressive movement they create. Like the way you feel like bobbing your head and dancing automatically as soon as you hear something upbeat and lively.

Not everyone responds to music in the same way. Classical music that you might find soothing someone else could find annoying. Either way, music ultimately has such a profound impact on us because of the reward region of the brain it triggers. No matter what genre of music you may find preferential, to reap its full benefits and regulate your emotions, you need to pick a genre that works for you.

How to Apply Emotional Intelligence in Daily Life If you were to carefully observe anyone that exhibits the qualities of someone who is emotionally intelligent, you’ll notice they share the following similarities:

They are thankful for what they have.

They always do their best to exhibit an optimistic and positive attitude, regardless of the circumstances they may be under.

They never look at a situation from the glass-half-empty perspective.

They always manage to see the silver lining where others can’t.

They understand how important it is to take care of yourself, even when you’re putting your 100% effort into something that you’re doing.

They know that doing too much too soon could lead to burning out quickly, and they always take it one step at a time.

They never rush their decisions and take their time (but not too much time) carefully weighing the pros and cons.

Where others might be hesitant to step out of their comfort zone in the face of a challenging situation, emotionally intelligent people see challenges as a learning opportunity, and a chance for personal development and improvement.

They make better leaders because they can understand the people around them. They can often be found in the top management positions.

They possess the necessary social and empathy skills that are necessary for good leadership.

They individuals continually work at developing their own awareness and emotions so that they are able to better understand the emotions of others around them and interact appropriately.

Emotional intelligence is all about practice. It’s not a skill you’re born with; it’s a skill that you develop over time. Putting emotional intelligence into practice each day is something anyone can start doing right away, and it’s even easier when you know what you’re doing:

Understand the Breadth and Depth of Your Emotions - A useful thing to do would be to print out a Wheel of Emotions. This concept was introduced by Professor Robert Plutchick sometime around the 1980s; a system used to classify emotions. Plutchik’s model showed how the various emotions we experienced could sometimes be

combined together. According to Plutchik, these emotions could be combined, and when they were, they could create a whole host of new other emotions to be experienced. Happiness, for example, could be combined with anticipation, and the resulting emotion could be excitement. The wheel serves as a point of reference that indicates what deeper emotion could be underlying the emotion on the surface.

Regular Reflection - Not just on your current circumstance, but also your progress. It’s easy to get consumed by everything that is going on around you, which makes it easy to stop and remember the little accomplishments and small victories you made along the way. Challenges can take a lot out of you, and when you forget, it becomes easier to give up. Make time for frequent reflection to continuously improve your motivation. Don’t hesitate to congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Learning to Manage Your Emotions - In the previous chapter, we talked about how meditation is one of the best techniques for managing your emotions. However, in the 1950s, there was a study done by a group of researchers called the Marshmallow Stanford Experiment. The researchers observed what happened when several children had to sit down at a table with a marshmallow in front of them. The researchers told the children that if they did not eat that single marshmallow by the time the researcher came back in 10-15 minutes, they could have a second piece of marshmallow. The children who waited patiently went on to ivy league schools and had better incomes, and generally had higher levels of emotional intelligence overall. The key to success was patience and resiliency, and the latter is something that can be developed daily through

discipline. How do you train yourself to become more disciplined? By enforcing a daily habit of avoiding the things that bring you instant gratification.

Live with Purpose - Find a reason to get out of bed each day with a purpose. Even if the goal or the task at hand may be something small, training yourself to wake up each day with a purpose and the intention to get things done is what helps train you to get into the habit of paying attention to your emotions.

Understanding Incongruency - It seems odd that pointing out incongruency could lead to higher emotional intelligence, but this is how it works. The way to practice this daily is to carefully observe whether what their saying verbally matches their body language. For example, when someone is talking to you and telling you a story, watch their body language and facial expression. If they’re telling you they’re fine, but you notice a slight crease between their brows, the downward curve of their mouth, the hunched shoulders, and any other indicators that might signal they’re not okay, that’s spotting incongruency. The ability to do this shows that you can read other people well (empathy and social skills).

Create Outlets to Channel Your Stress - Negative emotions have to go somewhere. They need to be released, and this is probably the onetime multitasking can turn out to be a good thing. Find an outlet to channel your stress while doing something that makes you feel good, something you enjoy. Go for a walk, join a workout class you enjoy, go for a hike or a bike ride, find another outlet to relieve your stress instead of just letting your emotions boil and bubble underneath the surface, pretending they don’t exist. If you’re prone to being

emotionally overwhelmed because you’re stressed, adopt relaxation techniques that make you feel good. Watch a comedy, indulge in your favorite TV shows, meditate or get together with a good friend so you can have a laugh.

Increasing Your Empathy - The ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and to do it without judgment is not as easy as it sounds. But empathy is a proven way of increasing emotional intelligence because when you’re not focused on what’s going on in your head so much and putting yourself into other people’s perspective, you’re not thinking about yourself as much. You’re thinking less about your worries, and when you’re focused on someone else, you’re happier. The next time you interact with someone, try to understand and see things from their perspective. Actively listen to what they are saying and forget about your troubles for the next couple of minutes. Listen with an open mind and without judgment. Instantly, the connection between you is going to become so much better. Not everyone, especially in today’s technology-driven world, has the ability to do this. Authentic empathy is like a magnet that will draw people toward you for one simple reason: You’re showing that you genuinely care.

Give Up Focusing on the Negative - If you continue to allow yourself to remain in that negative frame of mind, you’re never going to get very far. Not successfully, at least. Being negative could be something that you’re so used to, you don’t even realize that is your default reaction anymore. Some indicators that you are more negative than you might think include difficulty accepting compliments, making excuses, when you react instead of responding appropriately, and when you constantly find yourself making negative inferences. Negativity is going to act like an anchor that drags you down, and the more you dwell on it, the further into despair you find yourself

sinking. It will be impossible to accomplish emotional intelligence in this way.

Give Up the Blame Game - This toxic behavior shows poor character. It may be easier for you to always blame someone else rather than accept responsibility for your part in the process, but that does not make it right. It takes real courage to own up to your mistakes, to take responsibility, and be accountable for your actions. This is why emotionally intelligent people fare so much better than those who lack that trait.

Conclusion Thank you for making it through to the end of Master Your Emotions, let’s hope it was informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you need to achieve your goals whatever they may be.

Don’t be afraid of your emotions. In fact, embrace them when you notice their presence, even the negative ones you would rather ignore. In Robert Greene’s book, The Laws of Human Nature, there’s an analogy about a rider and a horse. The horse is the emotion, and the rider represents our ability to think. Being a very powerful animal, the horse needs a strong rider to provide it with the guidance it needs. The rider needs to be the one who navigates the horse in the right direction. Both rider and horse need each other and need to work together. Without the rider, there is no direction and no purpose, whereas, without the horse, there is no energy or power. The horse is a very powerful animal, and without a strong rider, it is going to move impulsively, sometimes without thinking, and that’s the moment it starts getting into trouble. It’s the same with our emotions. Without emotions, there would be no energy and without mastery, there would be no direction. Hopefully, you’ve learned what you need to start becoming more of a rider in your life. This book has helped you understand where your emotions come from and why you feel the way that you do. Remember, it’s not the

circumstances that are keeping you stuck in life. It’s the emotions. Good luck!