Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood [1 ed.] 9781619425293, 9781628086782

Citation preview

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

DYSLEXIA. AN ACADEMIC PERSPECTIVE

DYSLEXICS

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

DATING, MARRIAGE AND PARENTHOOD

No part of this digital document may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means. The publisher has taken reasonable care in the preparation of this digital document, but makes no expressed or implied warranty of any kind and assumes no responsibility for any errors or omissions. No liability is assumed for incidental or consequential damages in connection with or arising out of information contained herein. This digital document is sold with the clear understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, medical or any other professional services.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

DYSLEXIA. AN ACADEMIC PERSPECTIVE NEIL ALEXANDER-PASSE - SERIES EDITOR – LONDON, UK

Dyslexia and Creativity: Investigations from Differing Perspectives Neil Alexander-Passe (Editor) 2010. ISBN: 978-1-61668-552-2 Dyslexia and Creativity: Investigations from Differing Perspectives Neil Alexander-Passe (Editor) 2011. ISBN: 978-1-62100-176-8 Dyslexics: Dating, Marriage and Parenthood Neil Alexander-Passe 2012. ISBN: 8-1-61942-520-0

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Dyslexia and Mental Health: Investigations from Differing Perspectives Neil Alexander-Passe (Editor) 2012. ISBN: 978-1-62100-432-5

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

DYSLEXIA. AN ACADEMIC PERSPECTIVE

DYSLEXICS DATING, MARRIAGE AND PARENTHOOD

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

NEIL ALEXANDER-PASSE

Nova Science Publishers, Inc. New York Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2012 by Nova Science Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means: electronic, electrostatic, magnetic, tape, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission of the Publisher. For permission to use material from this book please contact us: Telephone 631-231-7269; Fax 631-231-8175 Web Site: http://www.novapublishers.com NOTICE TO THE READER The Publisher has taken reasonable care in the preparation of this book, but makes no expressed or implied warranty of any kind and assumes no responsibility for any errors or omissions. No liability is assumed for incidental or consequential damages in connection with or arising out of information contained in this book. The Publisher shall not be liable for any special, consequential, or exemplary damages resulting, in whole or in part, from the readers‘ use of, or reliance upon, this material. Any parts of this book based on government reports are so indicated and copyright is claimed for those parts to the extent applicable to compilations of such works.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Independent verification should be sought for any data, advice or recommendations contained in this book. In addition, no responsibility is assumed by the publisher for any injury and/or damage to persons or property arising from any methods, products, instructions, ideas or otherwise contained in this publication. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered herein. It is sold with the clear understanding that the Publisher is not engaged in rendering legal or any other professional services. If legal or any other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent person should be sought. FROM A DECLARATION OF PARTICIPANTS JOINTLY ADOPTED BY A COMMITTEE OF THE AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION AND A COMMITTEE OF PUBLISHERS. Additional color graphics may be available in the e-book version of this book. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA Dyslexics : dating, marriage and parenthood / editor, Neil Alexander-Passe. p. cm. Includes index.

ISBN:  (eBook)

1. Dyslexia. 2. Marriage. 3. Parenthood. I. Alexander-Passe, Neil. RC394.W6D983 2011 616.85'53--dc23 2011048486

Published by Nova Science Publishers, Inc.  New York Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

TABLE OF CONTENTS Chapter 1

Introduction

Chapter 2

What Is Dyslexia? – Empirical Review

23

Chapter 3

What Is Dyslexia? Dyslexia and Stigma or Lack of Knowledge? Cures for Dyslexia

25 31 34

Chapter 4

Childhood Feeling Different Dyslexics and the Family How Child Dyslexics Cope Reactions by the School Emotional Reactions as Children

39 39 41 42 54 65

Chapter 5

Adulthood Feeling Different Being an Adult How Adult Dyslexics Cope Emotional Health

81 81 83 91 94

Chapter 6

Communication Problems and Relationships

101

Chapter 7

Dyslexia and Dating

107

Chapter 8

Dyslexics and Marriage

117

Chapter 9

Parenthood Chosing to Be a Parent Undiagniosed Dyslexic Parents and Denial How do Dyslexic Parents Relate to their Children? Dyslexic Parents – How their Childhood still Affects them Is Parenting Style an Important Factor? Making Your Dyslexic Child Resilient Dyslexic Parents and their Child‘s Homework Dyslexic Parents and Reactions to School

123 123 127 129 130 138 143 149 150

Chapter 10

Dyslexics, School and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

155

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

1

x

Contents

Chapter 11

Careers and the Workplace Inferiority Complex Career Advice for Dyslexics? Dyslexics and Further Education Dyslexics and Higher Education/University Dyslexia and the Workplace

163 163 164 165 166 166

Chapter 12

Successful and Unsuccessful Dyslexics What Motivates Dyslexics to Succeed

177 180

Chapter 13

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics (A Research Study) Dating Communication Problems Marriage Parenthood Career/Success Discussion

183 186 189 192 197 202 204

Chapter 14

Discussion and Conclusion

207

Chapter 15

Suggested Hints and Tips

213

Appendix 1: Dyslexic Defence Mechanisms Appendix 2: The Adult Dyslexic Personality Appendix 3: Study 1 (Adult Dyslexics) Appendix 4: Study 2 (Partners of Dyslexics)

221 221 228 249 254

Appendices

259

Index

277

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

References

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 1

INTRODUCTION

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

My Motivation for this Book At the start of each new book or research project my wife asks me, ‗why am I writing so much about dyslexia‘? What motivates me? Well apart from as being dyslexic myself, it‘s the need to inform others about how it affects people – this strange disorder called ‗dyslexia‘. One would have thought with ‗dyslexia‘ being recognised by the medical profession for over 100 years, it would be fully understood and treatable. Dyslexia is still seen as a mysterious disorder, and the layman‘s concept of dyslexia is that it only affects reading and writing - which is in fact misleading and vague. My research looks beyond this, to the secondary effects of having such a difficulty with communication. My last three books have looked at different aspects of dyslexia. ‗Dyslexia and Depression: The Hidden Sorrow‘ (Alexander-Passe, 2010a) looked at the emotional impact that dyslexia brings, specifically with self-harm, attempted suicide and depression – thus negative effects. ‗Dyslexia and Creativity: Investigations from differing perspectives‘ (Alexander-Passe, 2010b, c) on the other hand investigated with other world experts, the positive effects of dyslexia, specifically how and why many dyslexics tend to follow creative professions and have the ability to think outside the box. ‗Dyslexia and Mental Health: Investigations from differing perspectives‘ (Alexander-Passe, 2012a), enlists world experts in the field to investigate various aspects of depression, self-harm and other mental disorders. This book is in some ways an offshoot of ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘, in that it aims to investigate the adult experience. Whilst much of ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ looked at negative effects, it also touched on the effects with childhood schooling, dating, marriage, parenthood and success in the workplace - it was a huge study. This book aims to study longterm partners/spouses of dyslexics, which should make interesting reading. What do partners, like my own wife think about being married to someone a ‗little bit different‘? Also it investigate young dyslexics who are dating, to investigate how dyslexia affects finding the ideal partner. Lastly, how parenting is affected by dyslexics returning to school for their own children, into the traumatic environment they suffered in as children.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

2

Neil Alexander-Passe

Who is this Book Targeted to? My wife‘s favourite question to me? Who will read it? (1)

Readers can be dyslexics and their parents, looking to learn more about what is in store for them/their children. Partners who are in long-term relationships with an adult dyslexic and wish to learn more to gain greater understanding. Dyslexic parents and their partners who are bringing up dyslexic and non-dyslexic children, looking to understand why their dyslexic partner either fears schools or is unhelpful with homework. Lastly those who wish to understand what careers are best for dyslexics, and what drives dyslexics to succeed – thus career advisers.

(2) (3)

(4)

This book has a wide target audience, and aims to inform dyslexics and non-dyslexics about dyslexia and its affects (secondary manifestations) – beyond those of difficulties with reading and writing.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

What Is Dyslexia? To begin with one needs to understand what dyslexia is and how it impacts on the sufferer‘s life. As one who is dyslexic myself, the term ‗sufferers‘ feels uncomfortable, but its a useful vehicle to inform readers that dyslexics suffer in life - in the same way that those in a wheelchair or with poor eyesight. Whilst normally both of these examples have external signs to their disability (a wheelchair and glasses), dyslexia is very different and in many ways very similar to a stammer, as both have no external or physical manifestations (signs) and only are evident/show up when such individuals tries to write or speak. As I have both a mild stammer and dyslexia, I feel qualified to make such a comparison. As dyslexia is multi-dimensional, it impacts on a sufferer‘s ability to do a whole range of tasks, with a different combination in the majority of dyslexics. Commonly dyslexics have some or all of the following:         

short-term memory deficits (can forget information e.g. peoples names or other information in seconds), directional difficulties (can‘t tell their left from their right), comprehension difficulties (can‘t make sense of what they hear or read), spelling problems (can‘t understand how words are formed and created, along with understanding their sounds), organisational difficulties (have difficulties organising their time and tasks), motor skills difficulties (finds tying shoe laces or a tie difficult), rotational difficulties (getting 6 and 9s mixed up, or unconsciously producing mirror writing), mathematical difficulties (difficulties adding up and understanding complex hypothetical mathematical concepts e.g. algebra), the inability to learn new tasks fast (a dyslexic can require a task to be repeated 200 times before it can be embedded in their brain sufficiently for long-term recall),

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Introduction

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.



3

co-ordination difficulties (difficulties catching a ball or following instructions for complex moves e.g. karate),

Dyslexia is also a genetic disorder and is more likely to be passed down through fathers, more than mothers - thus the chances of having a dyslexic child are more likely in men than women. Although other forms of dyslexia (e.g. Deep Dyslexia) can be created through brain injury and the loss of a once acquired ability to read and write, this book is interested in developmental dyslexia - the inability to first gain the abilities noted above, to read, write, comprehend and a range of other skills. According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, using International Dyslexia Association (2002), dyslexia is characterized by difficulties with accurate and/or fluent word recognition and by poor spelling and decoding abilities. These difficulties typically result from a deficit in the phonological component of language that is often unexpected in relation to other cognitive abilities and the provision of effective classroom instruction. Secondary consequences may include problems in reading comprehension and reduced reading experience that can impede growth of vocabulary and background knowledge. Miles (1994, p. 189) suggest that dyslexia is a negative disorder that affects many life skills (reading, writing, arithmetic) as well as balance and co-ordination, with suggesting that dyslexics show ‗an unusual balance of skills‘. Dyslexia is a neurological condition which affects how brains function. Autopsy studies (Geschwind and Galaburda, 1985) highlighted that commonly brains of dyslexics are neurologically different, firstly with more neurons in the left to the right hemispheres (brains), and secondly the frontal lobes (the bits to the front) are different sizes with the left being bigger than the right. In both cases this highlights the visual skills commonly found in dyslexics, with higher numbers of dyslexics found in visual art or theatrical professions e.g. art, design, architecture, actors, set designers etc (Alexander-Passe, 2010b, c), e.g. Tom Cruise, Lord Rogers, Whoopi Goldberg, and Leonardo da Vinci. As my previous research has highlighted (Alexander-Passe, 2006, 2008a, 2009a, b, c, d, e, 2010a, 2010b, 2012a, b), dyslexia is more than just a difficulty at school with learning e.g. ‗it only affects dyslexics at school‘ as I have commonly heard people say. It‘s a condition that affects dyslexics in school, at university, in the workplace and in fact touches every part of a sufferer‘s life.

Curing Dyslexia Like other developmental neurological conditions (developing from infancy) e.g. Autism and Downs Syndrome, there is no known cure. Whilst neurological conditions such as Parkinson disease are making headway towards a cure (e.g. with stem cell transplants), such a cure is only possible before Parkinson has taken a stranglehold on the brain. Once full blown Parkinson is apparent, the repair of neurological damage is virtually impossible. As in dyslexia, the neurological restructuring happens in infancy, any possible cure must start in the womb. However there is no known blood or other chemical related test at present for dyslexia (unlike for downs syndrome). The problem of prevention first starts with a reliable test - as any repair first requires early diagnosis. The earliest test for dyslexia is at 4yrs old (Fawcett and Nicolson, 1996) - too late for a chemical cure or gene repair/replacement. A DNA test

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

4

Neil Alexander-Passe

may be likely in the next ten years, as several chromosomes have been identified with likely responsibility for dyslexia. These topics will be discussed later in this book along with, should we test for dyslexia? Is dyslexia something to irradiate/cure? Due to its varying nature it has been called a range of different names from ‗specific learning difficulties‘ to ‗reading disabilities‘ in an attempt to get children diagnosed and helped as fast as possible, and avoid the 1980‘s notion heard in many UK schools that dyslexia is ‗a middle class parents excuse for their children not achieving‘ Dyslexia is a condition that affects sufferers in different ways and to different severities. Frequency rates are not fully known, as mild dyslexics generally do not get diagnosed. Estimates of the prevalence of dyslexia vary across countries from around 10 per cent to 17.5 per cent. In the UK the figure has been reported in the literature to be as high as 20 per cent (Chan, Ho, Tsang, Lee and Chung 2004; Feeg, 2003; Grigorenko, 2001; Shaywitz, 2003).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Severe to Mild Dyslexia: What’s the Difference? To better understand the differences between severities (severe to mild condition), the following two examples may be useful to the reader: The severe dyslexic may have severe problems reading and writing, and will avoid all types of reading tasks e.g. newspapers, menus, road signs, phone directories. They will also avoid most forms of writing e.g. completing application forms, leaving telephone messages, or creating shopping lists. They will forget if they have locked their front door/car and will go get four or five times, until they have reliable recollection that its locked. They will be unable to tie their shoe laces and will make sure they only buy Velcro or slip on shoes. They will only use cash, as they can not rely on themselves to remember what they paid for on their credit or debit cards, and anyway they would have been unable to write out a cheque without crossing out every second or third word. They also would be unlikely to hold down a responsible paid job, e.g. being unable to be relied upon by others to do tasks by a certain time and to a certain standard, due to their avoidance of taking notes and relying on their extremely poor memory for task instructions. They would also avoid going out as they might take the wrong bus or tram home, confusing 69 with 96. I have known severe dyslexics to keep everything written down in their wallets as they are unable to remember their address, phone number and their partners/children‘s names. I could add much more to this example, but by now you can see the affects are substantial and reach most areas of life and social isolation. Many severe dyslexics always think about ‗what ifs‘, they start with, ‗what if I was normal and what if I had the same chances as my peers or siblings‘? Severe dyslexics never feel they have even nearly reached their potential. Potential is something for so called ‗normal‘ people. The mild dyslexic will have developed many strategies through early childhood which have coped with any minor problem they faced e.g. had to remember things or to deal with the influx of information they faced each day. Many mild dyslexics just think they are a bit slow and need more time to learn things than their peers. Many have gained degrees and are happy that they had achieved nearly their potential in life, but with lower university grades. However many also have a chip on their shoulders compared to their peers and siblings, that life has not been easy for them and thus feel life is unfair.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Introduction

5

Of course, not all dyslexics are severe, but most fall between the severe and mild range, as noted before with a range of different symptoms. It‘s the differential and range of severity which has made dyslexia hard to formally diagnose. In fact most educational psychologists after giving dyslexics a range of tests and charging them an arm and a leg for their services, will give a final report noting ‗the range of difficulties are dyslexic in nature‘ or words to that effect. They won‘t say your child is dyslexic (so a diagnosis), in the same way doctors will say ‗you have cancer or hepatitis‘. This has not helped the various worldwide movements to get dyslexia recognised in schools, and only fuels the uncertainty in teachers that dyslexia actually exists.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

The Young Dyslexic – Dreaming of Being Normal When a dyslexic grows up, they dream of all the things their friends are looking forward to, in essence they dream of being normal. So what is normal? Who is normal? And who is abnormal? Such a question is extremely deep and complex, but to a child being ‗normal‘ is the ability to get more than C grades in tests, to not be the last to be picked for sports, and to have a wide range of friends like everyone else. But dyslexics growing up tend to experience the opposite. They very rarely get a C grade; if they did it would be a cause of celebration. I look at my (non-dyslexic) children getting top marks and A‘s in tests and I feel annoyed. Not at them, as they are achieving their potential, but in myself for not achieving as my peers did at school. I was the last picked for sports, mainly because I couldn‘t catch balls (dyslexics lack co-ordination) and couldn‘t remember the rules for games or who was in my team (the dyslexic short-term memory deficit). Lastly I was unpopular at school, due to my immaturity and not being in the slightest academic. I wasn‘t in the top classes for the important subjects and I had a problem remembering my class mate‘s names. So I hung around my friends in the bottom classes for English and Maths. I‘m not saying this to gain sympathy, but to explain to you that young dyslexics are commonly seen as outsiders.

Letting your Children Fail is the Best Way to Get the Help they Need Dyslexia and mainstream school are a bad combination, purely down to the lack of funding and the numbers of teachers who are ignorant of dyslexia. Many new and experienced teachers in the UK, think it‘s the SENCO‘s (special educational needs coordinator) role to identify and help dyslexic children at school. However unless such children are referred by their teachers, the SENCO will not know about them. Thus it is in the child‘s best interest to highlight their difficulties and get referred. However this concept is alien to parents. When homework is set, they feel the need to make sure the child goes back to school with perfect homework and assignments to gain full marks. However to the struggling dyslexic child what does this tell the teacher, especially the one that isn‘t experienced in dyslexia? It tells him/her that the child can attain the standard required when they put their minds to it - at home. Thus what they see in class is laziness and therefore this is not a child with learning difficulties. But, this is incorrect. In ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ I found cases of parents consistently doing their entire child‘s homework, as they

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

6

Neil Alexander-Passe

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

enjoyed the challenge. Is this good? No. It‘s firstly wrong for the parent to do it and secondly it‘s not their homework to do. When I challenged them about their parent‘s actions, they told me their parents were frustrated with helping them and they thought it was faster this way. Other participants told me that their parents gave them a tutor and the tutor near enough did all the homework for them. Did the dyslexic learn anything from this? Well, that they can avoid reading and writing, and that others can and are willing to do homework for them for an easy life. With so many school qualifications being coursework-based, more and more of the final mark could be gained by parents. So what is the solution, and what is best for the dyslexic child? Are you ready for the insight of the decade…let them do it themselves and let them get it wrong! Homework reflects the learning from the classroom. If the child consistently hands in wrong homework and they have difficulty in the classroom, then the teacher knows there is a problem and the child should be referred to the SENCO for monitoring and remedial help. This way the child gets help fast! Commonly when the parent does the homework, which the child clearly doesn‘t understand, the teacher just thinks they have done a great job teaching them and pats themselves on the back. Also when parents subsequently complains their child is having problems with school, the teacher can point to this excellent work to avoid taking the claims seriously. Thus parents of dyslexic children, whether they are dyslexic themselves or not have a dilemma. Dyslexic parents will want to show that their dyslexic child is normal, and achieving at school. Non-dyslexic parents will want to do the same things, but for different reasons. They do so in part by being ashamed of their dyslexic child‘s lack of academic prowess, as it reflects badly on them. Thus I believe there are different parenting styles, with different reasons behind them. Parenting style is a huge subject and will be a focus of this book. Should parents firstly cover up for their children‘s lack of academic ability? Should parents have the right to be ashamed of their child‘s lack of abilities, and does that reflect badly on them as people? One could make comparisons to parents of children with other disabilities: (1) With Downs Syndrome, parents can have a test early on in a pregnancy for this disorder, and even with this knowledge which is not 100% reliable; parents can still choose to have the baby. This choice was their choice and by them having this choice, are empowered to have a child who they know will have limited academic ability, may have a short life span, but they want a child desperately and will love them whatever. Are they ashamed of their choice, I think not. Are they ashamed of their child, I also think not. (2) In the case of a child made disabled through an accident e.g. car accident etc, the parents had no choice in the situation. This creates a range of difficulties and anxieties, and that choice was removed from the scenerio. With the choice out of their hands, they are left with numerous feelings of divided loyalties and probable resentment. Should they change their whole lives for one child with a disability, or put any other child first and send any disabled child way to a special boarding school? The dilemmas are extensive and without a ‗right‘ answer. (3) When children develop cancer or other neurological conditions, parents can develop strong guilt and other feelings, as they are aware that it could possibly be family genes that have made their child sick.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Introduction

7

In ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ one of my participants had noted their mother‘s family had sent several aunts and cousins away to a seaside town to live, away from the so called ‗normal‘ members of the family. Also when he was diagnosed as dyslexic, certain aunts and uncles disassociated themselves from him, as they didn‘t want to be affected by the issue of imperfection and disability in the family. This is very much a Victorian ideal of disability and illness, where wealthy families would hide disabled or mentally ill family members in attics or private institutions, rather than see them and be reminded of disease.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Diagnosing Dyslexia or Identifying the Learning Difficulty To be fair, if you are committed to fighting your school and local educational authority and kicking up a stink, no matter how many people you annoy and how much your child is annoyed by the adverse attention, you can force schools to apply for additional funding for your dyslexic child‘s education - by having in the UK, a ‗statement of special educational needs‘ applied to your child. However such a label could be perceived as a stigma that will be carried with your child for the rest of his/her educational career. Whilst it might be beneficial to a Downs Syndrome child, it might not be to a moderate dyslexic. However ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ highlighted that such a label can be a stigma the dyslexic child can learn to hate, as no child/teenager wishes to be different than their peers and removed to a separate unit/workrooms at times for remedial lessons. However most UK provision for statemented pupils provides for a ‗Teaching Assistant‘ in the class to offer 121 support, whilst learning alongside with their peers. Research (Alexander-Passe, 2010a; Scott, 2004) suggests that dyslexic parents are more likely to be motivated to fight for their child‘s rights to decent education. In the UK, the government agenda in schools is ‗every child matters‘. However when ‗push comes to shove‘, budget shortages can significantly delay dyslexic children being assessed. Current assessment models requires a child to fail continuously for at least two years before assessment is possible, unless a substantial disability is obvious. However what is obvious to the parent may not be obvious to the teacher. Thus a deficit model allows not only the child to fail for at least two years in academia and their schoolwork, but has a profound effect on their emotional well-being (Alexander-Passe, 2006, 2008a, 2009a, b, c, d, 2010a). Thus the failure goes beyond the classroom and spills into every aspect of a child‘s life, affecting relationships with peers, siblings, parents and families. One could also remark that continuous failure before diagnosis and remedial assistance is given and is effective, can make dyslexic children withdrawn, depressive and suicidal, and with self-harm a real possibility (Alexander-Passe, 2006, 2008, 2010a). The case for assessing children on entry to school by the UK government was put forward by Blatchford and Cline (1994) with four main arguments: (1) getting a profile of new entrants to inform of subsequent pedagogy for each child; (2) identification of children who may have difficulties; (3) getting a picture of the new intake as a whole, compared to norm data; and (4) using it as a measure of the impact of the school (value-added). However, there is debate to whether baseline assessment can adequately address each of these requirements (Drummond, 1993; Lindsay, 1997). Wolfendale (1993) notes concerns at every level (theoretical, ideological, practical and financial). Lindsay (1997, p. 26) notes ‗baseline

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

8

Neil Alexander-Passe

assessment is potentially a very useful addition to the education system – but only if developed and used widely‘. As a result of the debate, the UK Education Act (HMSO, 1997) launched the statutory Baseline assessment scheme, starting in September 1998. It aimed ‗to provide information to help teachers plan effectively to meet children‘s individual learning needs‘ and ‗to measure children‘s attainment, using one or more numerical outcomes which can be used later in value-added analyses of children‘s progress‘ (School Curriculum and Assessment Authority, 1997). The act specified that assessments should start as soon as children start school, in their first seven weeks of starting primary school, at ages 4 to 5 years. Such tests should examine both literacy (speaking, listening, reading and writing) and numeracy/maths (applications, counting and shape). In most cases the assessments will be made by the teachers as part of their usual teaching and learning process, in either the nursery or reception classes, or when the child starts mainstream education (primary school). It is interesting that the UK government used dyslexia as a means to sell the ‗baseline assessment‘ concept to the public; one government source noted ‗it could help to tackle dyslexia, for example. We think the parents will want this‘ (Brown, 1998). Jacqui Smith, the then UK‘s Minister for Education also noted the link between dyslexia and baseline assessments (Hansard, 2000). However in September 2002, the Foundation Stage Profile (QCA, 2001) was launched in England (not Wales or Scotland) to replace the Baseline assessment. This was due to the following reasons: (1) It identified boys falling behind girls; (2) The workload was too high as each baseline assessment took 60-90 minutes (however the 90 schemes reviewed before the single national scheme was introduced they only took 20-30 minutes); (3) Too many children were identified with learning difficulties and as the results were used to request extra funding for SEN needs, there were insufficient funds available (SMSR, 2001). However, Local Educational Authorities (LEA) were still encouraged to use Baseline assessments whilst not being statutory. One such LEA is Brent in London UK where they still assess children‘s needs in the first few weeks at school. However, in Wales and Scotland Baseline assessments are still statutory which suggests they is still justification for its use. The ‗Foundation Stage Profile‘, based on assessment at the end of the foundation year (i.e. the first year of a child‘s primary school), as by the end of the foundation stage all pupils should have reached a certain standard in six areas of learning. Testing for the basic skills of speaking, listening, reading, writing, mathematics and personal and social development were established as a minimum. The proportion of children with statements in schools varies greatly. For example, in England only 15 per cent of primary schools have 3 per cent or more of pupils with statements compared with 36 per cent of secondary schools. And in Wales, only 27 per cent of primary schools have 3 per cent or more of pupils with statements, compared with 55 per cent of secondary schools (The Audit Commission, 2002a, b). It could be therefore argued that primary schools just delay the inevitable, or make matters worse, as early diagnosis can mean early remedial help, reducing the educational deficit, and will cost less in the long-term. Thus many parents are driven to privately funding assessments by educational psychologists, to first understand what is going on, and to try and understand how they can help their child. This normally comes after they have tried and failed to help their child with homework, thinking they are able to do what their teachers have failed to accomplish. However parents generally begin by repeating methods teachers have already tried and thus

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Introduction

9

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

again demonstrate to the dyslexic child that they are abnormal and unable to learn like everyone else. Is it the parents fault? No, as they are just repeating methods that worked for them and have successfully been used with any non-dyslexic children they have. To them they think they are helping, but in real terms they are just making matters worse. However privately funded assessment comes with a range of problems, unless you have the money to move your child into the private sector. UK schools do not recognise privately funded assessments as they are not funded by the government/school/local educational authority and thus could be seen as biased. However after pressure on educationalists/policy makers, they can now form supplementary evidence. One could throw that answer around and say that publically funded assessments could also be biased, as a negative result would mean the school‘s special needs budget is safeguarded. In schools where there is no special needs budget, any child that needs external specialist assistance means that other areas of the school budget might be hurt e.g. school trips. Given the choice, the school would prefer a school trip to enrich the lives of many pupils, or paying for an outside specialist for just one child. Schools will try and argue that such children can be supported by their current educational staff, but the current provision has allowed this child to fail and thus could be argued as ineffective or operated by non-specialist skilled teachers. ‗Every child counts‘ in some cases can mean, ‗when it can be achieved within current schools budgets‘. If on the other hand you had the assessment done and are willing to put your dyslexic child into a privately-funded specialist dyslexia school or find a private specialist dyslexia tutor/teacher for after school support, then it is money well spent. However to undo the many years of failure your child has experienced and teach him/her in a way that is aligned to their learning style will take time. Progress may seem slow, but in the long run will pay off. You would have the ability to really affect your dyslexic child‘s education and their emotional/psychological health from that point.

Help in Schools As one who has recently worked in various primary and secondary schools in London, UK as a supply ‗Teaching Assistant‘ (TA) for special educational needs pupils, I am shocked by the lack of training required for such a role and the lack of training teachers have in supporting pupils with special educational needs. Supply TA roles only require a patient attitude, nothing more, and these adults are supporting SEN pupils with serious learning difficulties. In one London school I was helping a 5 year old girl with Downs Syndrome. Was I qualified for such work? No, but I was the one sent by the agency to help her. Luckily I used some baby signing techniques I learnt for my children to communicate with her (my children are not deaf, but my wife and I learnt baby signing techniques, as twin boys are known to be late to develop language skills). She was thrilled by someone with such skills. I thought to myself I must have been a nice change as a supply teaching assistant, as her teacher and normal teaching assistant must be fully trained in sign language, especially as this was the last 6 weeks of the school year. I was even more amazed to be asked to stay and replace her normal TA for the next 6 weeks. When asked why, I was amazed. Not only had no specialist training been given to the assigned full time TA, but the teacher didn‘t have any means to communicate with the child either. When pushed, they said the budget was cut and they were hoping to get academic training next year. I was shocked. This child has been in

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

10

Neil Alexander-Passe

school for more than a year without a means to communicate with others. And this is a child with a ‗statement of special needs‘ to fund specialist help and tuition. To add insult to injury, whilst some training is given to TA‘s during their first full time post, this only amounts to a few hours a week for a term or two. You don‘t need any special skills to be a TA, only patience and a caring nature, which is why many are parents with children at the same school, looking to earn extra money whilst their children are learning. According to UK rules, as long as you pass a police check (CRB-criminal records bureau check) you are able to be a supply TA in schools. So if after parents fight for extra government funding for their child and gain a TA, are they any better off? The jury is out on that one. To be fair in the case of a dyslexic child they do get 2-4 hours a week of specialist remedial tuition outside the classroom, but is this enough to deal with the 35 hour school week, or the lessons and building blocks they are missing to gain this extra specialist help. Also the majority of specialist tuition is targeted at gaining literacy and ignores any deficit in mathematics - as literacy is seen as the bigger problem and more reasonable to help in the very limited time available.

How Dyslexics Misunderstand what Is Expected from them in Educational Environments

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Dyslexics tend to take language literally and a have difficulties understanding multiple meanings, and are likely to continuously struggle to make sense of what is expected of them. One student turning in her first essay at university was devastated when it was failed, when asked to ‗illustrate her argument‘ she had taken the instructions literally and drawn a picture. The inability to appreciate nuances in language can also impact socially when dyslexics misconstrue irony and humour.

Non-dyslexic Parents Finding out their Child is Dyslexic Another aspect of having your child privately assessed is the chance of locating others in your family with similar difficulties. Whilst parents find explanations for their own strange learning habits and avoidance of reading or writing, it also brings with the realisation that they themselves could have been helped in school and allowed to achieve their potential. Five main issues are generally thrown up after diagnosis: (1) Parents get angry that their own childhood was ruined by thinking they were stupid and slow, resulting in low or non-existent academic results and a menial low paid job, (2) Parents are responsible for their own child‘s dyslexia, thus guilt can set in, (3) Parent‘s must come to a realisation that their child has a problem and disability that can‘t be solved with a pill or operation. They need to be realistic about their child‘s schooling and career prospects – their bubble has been burst of their child becoming a world famous doctor, lawyer or politician, (4) The realisation that they had created something bad or imperfect, can affect parents in unimaginable ways. This guilt can be huge and makes them feel like damaged

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Introduction

11

goods. I know when some parents go through a miscarriage they begin to feel the same way, that they are damaged and abnormal, (5) Non-dyslexic parents may blame their dyslexic partner for their child‘s disability. Thus, these realisations can cause huge problems in the family and can lead to family break-up, according to research (Scott, 2004; Alexander-Passe, 2010a). It should be noted that a child being diagnosed and a parent recognising signs in themselves also highlights their own coping strategies. As most dyslexics find when investigating closely their own families, they discover how many of their parents, uncles and aunts covered up their reading and writing difficulties. These have ranged from near OCD (obsessive condition disorder) obsessions with routines e.g. I must always do things in a certain way or in a specific order, avoidance of taking telephone messages, or never going shopping e.g. as they can‘t read the shopping list.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Dyslexics Dating As noted earlier, when a young dyslexic dreams of being ‗normal‘, it‘s more than meets the eye. Dyslexics crave to be accepted and understood. To be valued for their abilities outside the classroom. So the route to relationhsips can lie at in their ability or inability to make friends - the first stage of dating and if they wish, a long-term relationship and children. If dyslexics lack the skills to make friends at school, then it‘s going to be even harder to ask a girl/boy out for a date. Not only when they have asked them out and asked their name, then they forget it (the dyslexic short term memory), which isn‘t great for conversation. Or their friends tell them great chat up lines and they forget them in milliseconds - humans rely so much on short-term memory abilities for daily survival. Okay, if they manage to remember the person‘s name, what are the chances they remembered the phone number or email address? They won‘t ask for it to be written down, as they might seem abnormal/thick to their interested partner. Or will they remember when they should meet them again or in some cases where they met them to begin with, oh yes with ‗that guy with the big nose‘ etc, dyslexics tend to be better visually, so they might be able to describe how they looked or smelt, hopefully in a more tactful way, then I first described (e.g. the man with the big nose, stinking of aftershave). Okay, so they start to date, but all the details they learnt on that first encounter or date are now like grains of sand - lost to the world. It would do dyslexics a lot of good to tape record all conversations, so they would play them back and write down notes. But this depends on them being able to write them down, spell the words correctly, and read their own handwriting again. Such a task is not easy for a dyslexic! Okay the date is going well, and they manage to chat about various things. But when the partner turns round and says ‗we always talk about me, how about you, tell me about yourself‘ what does the dyslexic say? Will they remember anything about their own lives? Chances are they will be able recall their long-term memories, like their childhood, but not much about what happened that day, or five minutes ago. It reminds me of a trick I used to play with my children. I asked them when they were dressed and having breakfast ‗what colour are your pants (okay, for Americans I should say briefs)? To begin with they said they had no idea, I said you only just put them on. They have learnt to catch me out, and now get it

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

12

Neil Alexander-Passe

right. If you asked me, I would have no idea. Another example of a dyslexic‘s short-term memory is locking your home or car door. Do you know if you locked it this morning? As a dyslexic I need to check it 5 times in an obsessive OCD way. Even if I locked my car and get the ‗bip‘ to tell me the alarm is on, I turn round…and suddenly again forget if it‘s locked. So I do it again, unless I can see the button is down. Usually I ask my kids or (very understanding) wife if it‘s locked. They say, it is, don‘t you remember? Or maybe now ‗yessss daddy‘! As if it‘s something I do a lot. To be fair it is! I normally rely on others, although when my wife and kids are away on holiday and it‘s just me (and the cats) at home, I check things ever more e.g. the front door, feeding the cats/fish etc. Okay, getting back to the date. At what point do they tell the prospective partner that they have fewer qualifications than what is perceived as ‗normal‘? When they talk about work, at what point do they say they feel stuck at work and lack confidence in their abilities to push for promotion? Such information may finish the relationship with materialistic partners. So what do they do? Do they lie (those little ones about really being a lawyer, as their mother dreamed they should have been) or tell the truth, that they are stuck professionally? Although I know several estate agents that say they are plumbers as it‘s more socially acceptable! So it‘s likely the dyslexic will lie about things, to cover up for their insecurities. However by the next date they will forget what they lied about. Maybe they will even forget where their date lives, or forget to ring the next day to say what a fabulous time they had - all of that maybe forgotten. Hopefully they won‘t forget the great sex they had (no, this is not an X rated book) the last time they met. Thinking about sex (okay I‘m human, but it will stop after this) will they remember the girls/partners name the next morning then they wake up together. If he/she can‘t, then the great thing they had last night isn‘t going to be repeated.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Being Married to a Dyslexic Is it easier dating or being marred to a dyslexic? When do dyslexics disclose their dyslexia to their date? Are there communication problems that only partners can detect? Are non-dyslexic partners willing to share the chores and can they rely on them to even buy everything off from a shopping list? These are interesting questions and a study in the last section of this book specifically aims to answer such issues. Participants noted that whilst they weren‘t initially aware of their partner‘s dyslexia, they were aware that they found certain tasks difficult. Did they realise how much their dyslexic partner camouflaged their difficulties? In a long-term relationship will non-dyslexic partners see the routines that many dyslexic rely upon for even basic tasks like hygiene and remembering to not leave home each day without their keys and transport pass? Long-term partners can view with more objective eyes the emotional wellbeing of their dyslexic partner, and whether they are emotionally stable, happy in their chosen career, and contented with life and reaching their potential. Dyslexics tend to rely on their partners, and I know many dyslexics would have problems maintaining their businesses without heavy reliance on non-dyslexics. Sir Richard Branson is an amazing entrepreneur, but without a team (of non-dyslexics) supporting him he would not be able to achieve half the things he is involved with, so the same can be said about spouses/partners.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Introduction

13

Dyslexia and Crime When a dyslexic grow up they can easily develop an inferiority complex, the need to be normal and having what they perceive normal people to have (the nice watch, car and flat etc). This can turn a small percentage of dyslexics to crime. Asking themselves, how else can they get the partner or lifestyle of their dreams? How else can they be as confident as their peers? What dyslexics don‘t realise is to be a successful crook you need a good memory, which is what they lack. If caught by the police and asked where they were last Thursday at 9pm? What are they going to say? Even if they weren‘t guilty, they will look guilty as they are unable to remember where they were or who they were with. Any alibi is shot, ‗oh with someone who was bald‘…sounds convincing to a policeman? No! Or some film on TV, but I can‘t remember what it was about, which channel it was on or who stared in it….not great. I would say dyslexics would make very poor criminals. Try this yourself, what did you watch on TV last night, which channel and who starred in it? Sadly research (Alm and Andersson, 1995; Kirk and Reid, 2001; Morgan 1996, 1997; Klein, 1998) in the US, Sweden and the UK points to substantial percentages of dyslexics in prisons, caught for criminal activity. Thus as one probation officer I knew once told me, dyslexics look even more guilty to a judge if they forget to turn up at court when their cases are heard, or forget to turn up to probation meetings (of course due to their short-term memory deficit and the inability to be organised and manage their own time). Projects such as ‗Dyspel‘ in the UK have found that teaching basic literacy and life skills to dyslexics in prisons have significantly reduced re-offending rates.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Dyslexic and Routines Many dyslexics heavily rely on routines to survive in our fast-paced and paper-based society. Some dyslexics have lists on the back of their front door, so they remember to take house keys, travel pass, money for lunch, wallet, notes for work…the list is endless. I also rely on routines, in the morning I have a bathroom cupboard with toothpaste, mouthwash, deodorant and after shave. I make sure I go from left to right; if something is missing I will forget that part of the routine. In case I forget one thing, and I do, I have spare deodorant and after-shave at work. Such routines are the dyslexic‘s way of coping and allows them to co-exist with society. I know of dyslexic schoolchildren who can go to the same classroom everyday for a year and still need a map of the school layout to avoid getting lost. The dyslexic‘s short-term memory is one of dyslexia‘s most distinguishing features and should be central to any assistance given by others (teachers/parents/partners etc). Nicolson and Fawcett (1993) note that a skill that would take a normal child 400 hours to develop and learn would take a dyslexic child 20 times longer to achieve.

Dyslexics Choosing to Be Parents – A Moral Dilemma? The novice reader may ask what impact dyslexia has on the decision to be a parent or not, whereas the dyslexic or the knowledgeable reader may understand the impact dyslexia might have on such a decision to be a parent.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

14

Neil Alexander-Passe

I hope you can begin to understand the ‗dyslexics experience‘ growing up and why the question of parenthood raises several questions. If you had been a severe dyslexic, would you have wanted your children to suffer the same hardship you had at school? Would you have failed in your moral duty to stop further hardship in the world by having a dyslexic child? As one who was severely dyslexic growing up, also with a mild to moderate stammer, I was really moved by the film ‗Forest Gump‘, especially the scene when he finds out he has a son and asks the child‘s mother ‗is he normal?‘ This made me cry, as it summed up how as a young man I faced the issue of parenthood. Would my children be normal? I‘m unsure if I questioned ‗whether I should have children‘, but I questioned if they would be like me. The film also questioned how I saw myself. Did I see myself as being normal? Was I normal? What is normal? I think it was at that point I wanted to learn more about dyslexia, and especially more than my parents knew about it (especially when I was growing up). I grew up when dyslexia was still in its infancy, I‘m 43yrs old now and was a young child in the 1970‘s to 80‘s. My mother had heard about dyslexia when I was 7 to 8 years old, and questioned my then headmaster who promised to have me checked. I think all he did was ask me to read something and then told my mother I wasn‘t dyslexic. Back then she was satisfied with the answer, but her enquiry didn‘t push the school to question why I wasn‘t learning. I was just sent on a coach twice a week to a learning unit 20 miles away for problem children - I guess those classed as learning disabled. I was a deeply unhappy child, who was constantly compared to my non-dyslexic siblings, I felt abnormal, an outsider, leading to me frequently run away from home, and be suicidal and depressive. Would I want any child of mine to experience what I had? I felt I needed to learn more, and so I did. I went on to do a masters in research, looking at twenty five dyslexic teenagers, investigating how they coped, if they were depressed and how their self-esteem was affected so I was better informed for my own children. This research allowed me to question if my own reactions/experiences to being a dyslexic in mainstream education was replicated in others. But was having this knowledge all I needed? Was I able to affect the chances of having dyslexic children? What else could I do? In ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ I interviewed nearly thirty dyslexic adults about their lives. Parenting and children came up a lot and many choose to have children. Interestingly one severe dyslexic told me (lets call him Malcolm) he made a conscious choice to find a non-dyslexic partner (wife) as he felt he could dilute his ‗bad‘ sperm or genes. This term ‗bad‘ really threw me. Are dyslexic genes bad? Are the malfunctioning? It left a weird taste in my mouth, but demonstrates that he was really concerned about having children or replicating his extremely troubled childhood. So he found a non-dyslexic wife and had three lovely children, and by the way all are dyslexic. So his plan didn‘t work. This also demonstrates that dyslexic males may have dominant or strong genes, and diluting may not be the answer or cure. I know, cure may not be the best word, but this logic might irradicate the chain of dyslexia in some families. However dyslexia is know to skip generations, so there would be no guarantee that it would not re-surface later in cousins or uncles/aunts etc. In my own case I have four lovely children, in fact two sets of twins. I thought there would be a fairly high chance at least one would be dyslexic? However none seem to be and they are 8 years and 12 years old, so I would have seen the symptoms by now – therefore it‘s unlikely.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Introduction

15

I had spent years and many late nights researching dyslexia to be prepared for my own children, and they aren‘t dyslexic. This leaves me with a dilemma. These children have childhood and school experience unlike my own, and closer to that of my non-dyslexic wife, who is a grade ‗A‘ student with a first in her bachelor degree. Yes, I also chose a non-dyslexic wife, but was it on purpose? All I know is I didn‘t meet many dyslexics growing up (it‘s not something you say or ask when you ask people out in bars). All I knew is I wanted a degreeeducated wife who would be able to challenge not only my children, but me as well. My original intention was to be there for my children and home-educate them, as they would be unsuited to UK state education. However, as none are dyslexic, they are achieving very well in mainstream schools. This brings me to another subject, is it right to bring dyslexic children into a world where mainstream education is unsuited to teaching them? I am not advocating abortion, but saying that we need to pressure schools and educational departments to put in more provision to help dyslexics in school. The problem lies with how education treat dyslexics, not the other way round. Dyslexics who do well in life generally do so as a result of specialist educational assistance most commonly found in private education, where the classroom sizes are much smaller (10 to 15 pupils, compared to 25-35 in state education), so we need to press for small class sizes in mainstream education. If you can afford private education and specialised support your dyslexic child will get the support needed to deal with their difference and find teachers who are able to spend the time to assess what they are good at and promote that, along with supporting them to cope with their difficulties. Thus a middle class solution to a middle class problem. It sounds good, but dyslexia is not class based - rich and poor kids get dyslexia. Although an interesting piece of research from a London business school (Logan, 2009, 2010) suggests that out of 102 entrepreneurs studied in the US, 35 percent identified themselves as dyslexic, compared to 20% in the UK. e.g. Sir Richard Branson. This might suggest that their 2nd generation dyslexics would get much better chances in life than their parents. Although it could be argued that their parents struggles in school and society, thus motivated them to do well in live and ‗prove everyone and even their teachers that they were not thick and stupid‘. Without the struggle, will the 2nd generation succeed like their parents? Studies of successful dyslexics point to being an under-dog as motivation to do well and prove everyone wrong (Scott, Scherman and Philips, 1992). If it was easy for dyslexics, maybe they wouldn‘t achieve so much? I hope you can see that there are lots of questions and these will be discussed in later chapters. Are dyslexics concerned about having dyslexic children? From the research I have seen the answer is no, however I do recall reading that one dyslexic with a PhD made a conscious choice to NOT have children, to save them the horrors he had experienced, but I think he‘s in the minority.

Being a Dyslexic Parent and the Journey Personally, I knew I wanted children, but thought it would be me bringing them up, to home educating them. However I was challenged even more by having identical boys, not only did I have to remember their names, but slight differences. It might have been a dyslexic blessing as if I couldn‘t remember their names, no one else could except for their mother.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

16

Neil Alexander-Passe

Being dyslexic could be argued as a godsend, as you can blame it on all missed birthdays, wedding anniversary and forgetting to do things. Maybe dyslexia isn‘t so bad after all – a lifetime‘s get out clause! For the first four years of their life, through nursery and pre-school I would ask and test my children, to continuously see if they were dyslexic, for me to put on my superman cap and ride to the rescue, to save them from inhospitable schools and teachers….I waited and waited, but neither seemed overly clumsy (dyslexia trait), avoidance of reading (dyslexia trait), or forgetful (dyslexia trait). All they turned out was to be normal! I was disappointed, but should I have been? All my studies and no one to use it on! The boys entered school and loved reading, got top marks in spelling tests and everything that I didn‘t achieve in school. I guess I was jealous, but in another way glad they were saved the pain and trauma. But it was the trauma that made me who I am today. As a parent I often go enter schools to meet teachers, and this can fill me with dread. So what are the triggers? The sickly smell of vinyl floor polish, or sitting in small chairs in front of teachers younger than me, telling me about my own child. Who do they think they are? They are not always right? Were they with me? The authority thing has never been my strong point, since my teachers were wrong about me, I didn‘t end up a no hoper working in a menial job.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Are Dyslexics Good Parents? A complex question and not an easy one to answer. Every child needs a different type of parent, but many attributes can be found in the majority of what are perceived as a good parent. Based on the experience of having two sets of twins, what I think makes a great parent includes: (1) patience, (2) understanding, (3) ability to admit when they are wrong, (4) generosity, (5) can be fun, (6) time, and (7) empathy. Can dyslexics make great parents? I can‘t see why not, especially when they have dyslexic children. They have the ability to be empathetic, but this can create problems if there are non-dyslexic children as well. As the dyslexic parent may tend to defend their dyslexic child beyond normal limits, as they understand that ‗under dogs‘ must stand together (as found in ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘). A dyslexic parent must face their demons and this can be very hard for them. Not only dealing with homework and teachers, as noted earlier. But dealing with a whole range of difficulties they have tried to avoid themselves. Young children going to school need to remember PE kit, homework, notes for teachers etc. Dyslexic parents find this extremely hard, along with making sure their children have clean clothes everyday, as both types of tasks require planning and strong time management skills. In ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ several of my research participants were parents; a few were even single parents. Problems included: (1) creating systems where they went shopping each week, many forgot this, (2) many avoided writing a shopping list and relied upon memory, thus came home without the right food, (3) many said that they would go shopping but forgot to do this, even whilst walking past the shop, (4) many put clothes in the washing, but forgot to take it out and thus had no clothes ready in the morning, (5) many forgot to take

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Introduction

17

food out of the freezer so it defrosts in time so had no food for their children/own supper, and (6) many forget play dates or doctors/dentist appointments for their children. A list of hints and tips can be found in the rear of this book, which aims to assist dyslexics and their non-dyslexic partners in supporting one another, and coping with dyslexic and non-dyslexic children. Parenting required extremely good time management and planning skills, and dyslexics find such tasks hard or impossible, and the stress to not mess up is huge. Thus a non-dyslexic partner can be a god-send. A study at the end of this book investigated marriage and relationships with non-dyslexic partners, along with parenting and other important factors. It investigates how a dyslexic copes with finding out their child is dyslexic and the emotional roller-coaster that prevails, along with who in the relationship is more likely to be responsible for homework.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Facing School again In ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ I interviewed nearly thirty dyslexic adults, many of them with children. There was a very strong sense that school had traumatised them so much, that re-entering it for their children triggered symptoms of ‗Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)‘. It was the small chairs, the smell, the pictures up on walls (as their work was never good enough to be displayed), and the school layout, along with authoritive figures shouting at helpless children. Malcolm, as mentioned earlier, has a very difficult time with his children‘s schools, he can be verbally aggressive to the teachers and raises his voice if he thinks they are firstly not listening to him and secondly not giving his children the time, care and attention they deserve - to keep up with their peers. When I asked his wife about her husbands temper at school, she says ‗he is passionate about dyslexia‘ and dismisses that anything is wrong with it. As a nondyslexic with three severely dyslexic children, she knows that parents must fight in mainstream school for the help and support they need. Another participant in my study has never stepped inside a school for his own children, due to fear of facing his childhood demons. He has missed school tours, parent evenings, his children‘s plays and concerts, and prize ceremonies – purely down to the trauma he experienced as a child.

Emotional Manifestations from Dyslexia When I first began my research in the early 2000, I was particularly focussed on the secondary manifestations of dyslexia. Why? Because I found growing up as a moderate dyslexic very damaging for my self-esteem and emotional health. I researched whether my reactions as a child was normal for dyslexics? Did others feel the same way? So my initial research question was ‗how teenage dyslexics cope?‘ I investigated this topic with thirty teenage dyslexics with three tests or measures, of self-esteem, coping and depression, along with a detailed interview study. What were the results? Firstly that teenage girls and boys cope differently with their dyslexia, but most dyslexics cope badly! In fact much of how they felt came as a result of others. How others perceived them. Were they perceived as being normal? Were they accepted? The resilient dyslexics bounced back and

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

18

Neil Alexander-Passe

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

moved on, those without that resilience withdrew more and this just made matters worse. However no matter how resilient study participants were, avoidance featured highly in their coping strategy. This teenage study was the first ever investigating depression and dyslexia, using professional measures (qualitative not quantitative). Thus when I published the results I was then invited to write several chapters for two expert books of depression: ‗Women and Depression‘ and ‗Childhood Depression‘ (Alexander-Passe, 2009a, b, c, d). When I mean coping badly I‘m not talking about dealing with their difficulties with reading and writing. I‘m talking about dealing with a world that is inhospitable to dyslexics, or any non-mainstream learners or thinkers. They thought Sir Isaac Newton was mad saying the world is round. It wasn‘t that he was wrong, but others around him thought he was mad. By the way he is thought to have been dyslexic. When dyslexics are treated as being abnormal or different, they can deal with this, up to a point. But if it‘s repeated and reinforced in school and/or the workplace that you are not attaining as per your peers, no matter how hard you try, you would be justified to think that maybe you‘re the one in the wrong. Its‘ known that patients in mental institutions can gang up on their doctors and nurses, as most of the people they talk to are like them. So the mental patients are the normal ones, or the ones in the majority. My resent research in ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ has highlighted the high instances of self-harm (e.g. food/alcohol abuse, cutting and attempted suicide), depression (e.g. withdrawal) and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in dyslexic adults. The research also points to such manifestations starting very early on in childhood (e.g. 7-8yrs old) and continuing to university and the workplace. Such a research conclusion is worrying and suggests that intervention is too late for many dyslexics, and that dyslexics underestimate the effects of their avoidance, withdrawal and inferior complexes or do not know what help they need until its too late. Many dyslexics go undiagnosed for most of their lives and just avoid interactions with society, as a means of shielding themselves from further embarrassment.

Dyslexics, Avoidance, Denial in the Workplace In ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ I found cases of parents never reading books or newspapers, telling those around them (family, work colleagues etc) and even their children that they ‗forgot their reading glasses‘ to avoiding helping their children with their homework. Cases of unidentified dyslexic parents trying to read their child‘s reading book and relying to the photos to create the story, are common place. This of course was not because they wouldn‘t have wanted to, but fear of someone finding them out. Also there were cases of their bright dyslexics turning down promotions and staying in menial low paid jobs, to avoid paperwork (reading and writing). In one case, it was remarked that an uncle kept a book of all the words he needed in his daily job, so they were all spelt correctly. Avoidance and dyslexia go hand-in-hand, especially when the dyslexic is undiagnosed and ashamed/embarrassed to show themselves up in public or in front of friends, family and work colleagues. I read in the last year about a UK post/mail man charged with theft for not delivering thousands of letters. He burnt them rather than telling his supervisors he was unable to read the addressees or a road map to find out where they should have been delivered to – many dyslexics can‘t deal with telephone directories or atlas contents pages, as they find

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Introduction

19

them hard to translate the sounds of words/names with the letters they are linked to, along with not knowing their alphabet order.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Dyslexia, Workplace and Stigma In my work with employment and ‗welfare to work‘ in the UK (Remploy, part of the Department of Work and Pensions in the UK), I met many people with a range of disabilities and mental health conditions, and it is amazing how different people perceive disability and illness. One chap, who came to me for help finding employment, was referred to me due to heart problems, but it turned out he had severe reading and writing problems as well. As soon as I screened him for dyslexia he got extremely anxious. When I enquired why, he said that he wasn‘t disabled and whilst he was willing to have a free dyslexia test, it would be done to prove me wrong. He took a very extreme reaction to being called disabled, even when I said I was also dyslexic and had a stammer. Dyslexia and disability has certain stigmas in society and these take time to change. I‘m sure that at one point, if poor working class kids had been diagnosed as dyslexic, they might have seen it as a status symbol, in the same way as wearing a gold coloured watch. The perception of stigmas is society driven, and this affects how dyslexia is perceived in schools and the workplace. It will also affect dyslexics in the workplace, which is why like mental illness, dyslexics do not tell their work colleagues and bosses that they are dyslexic and/or have reading and writing problems. Due to stigma in the workplace, many dyslexic as noted before, avoid careers and roles requiring moderate to high reading and writing skills. Many dyslexic leave jobs before they are offered promotion, this way they can keep their self-esteem intact and it makes it easier to gain new jobs in different areas. Moving rather than turning down promotion is perceived by society to be okay. They can also lie to themselves that they left and were not sacked/made redundant. The stress of keeping up appearances of being ‗normal‘ is very hard for a dyslexic to manage and many develop mental health issues as a result e.g. depression, withdrawal, selfharm, schizophrenia. One could imagine that split personality is very much what dyslexics do in their daily life. All the avoidance and being someone else to society, which is different to whom they really are, seems logical. Its almost like being a spy with a second persona.

Dyslexics and Success in the Workplace The stress of working for others and keeping up this charade is why many dyslexics choose to work for themselves. Not only can they succeed in doing this, but are able to find unexplored gaps in the market to develop. As creativity and dyslexia is believed to be correlated (see my book ‗Dyslexia and Creativity‘), many dyslexics are good at business and have succeeded well beyond levels of ‗normal‘ people. Sir Richard Branson is an excellent example. A brilliant dyslexic who used his eccentric personality to spearhead a new way of selling music, dealing with music artists, and creating a luxury airline brand that other airlines follow. Whilst being severely dyslexic and will avoid reading and writing, he has found a

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

20

Neil Alexander-Passe

team that supports him in his work. Not only is he creative in business, but creative in finding the best people to support him. This is a good time to say that it is my belief that dyslexics ‗can‘ do well in life, but they need to recognise they can‘t do it alone. They need a support network or at least a supportive partner and family, who strongly believe in them and their abilities. Malcolm as noted before is an accomplished tradesman who is very good hands on at fixing things. However as a severe dyslexic his organisation and paperwork skills are his ‗Achilles heal‘ – he can‘t face them. When his wife is away, his paperwork slides to such an extent that he won‘t record who has been to, what he did and what should be billed for. So he admits he has lost thousands of pounds in lost fees due to his dyslexia. He also forgets to turn up at clients as he won‘t put pen to paper, and relies on his poor short-term memory to organise his work day. He is very good at what he does, but needs his wife who works as his PA and office manager. To be truthful, I also rely on my wife, to proof read everything I publish, as she will see things I won‘t. And this is after using spell and grammar checkers and proof reading (On paper and on the PC) numerous times. After several books and articles in journals, she is quite an expert herself on dyslexia!

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Appendixes I have included a number of appendices in this book, the looks at a ‗Dyslexic Defence Mechanisms‘ a means to understand the defensive mechanisms dyslexics use to safeguard themselves in the face of hostility at school. Unfortunately as strategies developed at school continue in adulthood, this framework educates the reader to why dyslexics cope in emotional or behavioural ways. The Second is a large chapter looking at the personality of adult dyslexics. This large study investigated the different personalities of degree and non-degree educated dyslexics, and the effect this has had on their happiness. The two subsequent chapters details the research methodologies behind the research evidence in this book.

Summing up Before this book moves into specific chapters, I hope you can now understand that the role that non-dyslexic partners play is important. A powerful force to support not only dyslexic partners, but to effectively manage families with dyslexic children. I am not saying that dyslexics can‘t do such a task well, but dyslexics should, like others do, play to their strengths. Strengths such as creativity and the ability to solve problems in amazingly different way, due to their unique neurological wiring. Many of the questions posed in this introduction will now form the framework for this book. Others have been added to aid understanding of how dyslexia affects sufferers at school, dating, marriage and parenthood.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Introduction

21

My own Education

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

As one who was educated first in a state primary school then in private education I can see the difference, starting with smaller class sizes and an understanding that everyone can be different. Parents pay handsomely for this privilege, even as they dismiss their dream that their child may not turn out to be a high-flying lawyer or a doctor. Although my secondary private boarding school promised to support my dyslexia, I was in fact the first dyslexic they had ever taught. After two terms this extra support was removed as it was having a detrimental effect on my education (missing other subjects to gain extra support in literacy). So what did they next try? Nothing much, I was just moved to the lower streams and taught with children of low ability. As any dyslexic will tell you, just because their work looks of low ability, due to poor handwriting and spelling – doesn‘t mean it is not of high ability and they can exhibit higher level learning if the written element is removed (a reasonable adjustment, as defined by the UK‘s Disability Discrimination Act (HMSO, 1995). Thus many school reports from dyslexics say the following ‗he is so active in class discussions but has difficulty translating this onto paper‘ or ‗I can‘t understand it, he‘s so good at art but his handwriting is illegible‘! As paper results are only counted towards course work, such children will fail to achieve in mainstream education. I was lucky that my school had a superb art department and I was allowed to show my creative non-written ability there, and even winning prizes for art. Most dyslexics will tell you they dread prize day, as it would never be them getting prizes. But private education normally translates into better facilities and time to allow your child to grow and develop in what ever area they can excel in. Let‘s just say that when I left this very expensive public school the impact of my difficulties was so great that they employed a full-time dyslexia specialist and funded a new dyslexia unit.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 2

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

WHAT IS DYSLEXIA? – EMPIRICAL REVIEW According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, using International Dyslexia Association (2002), dyslexia is characterized by difficulties with accurate and/or fluent word recognition and by poor spelling and decoding abilities. These difficulties typically result from a deficit in the phonological component of language that is often unexpected in relation to other cognitive abilities and the provision of effective classroom instruction. Secondary consequences may include problems in reading comprehension and reduced reading experience that can impede growth of vocabulary and background knowledge. Dyslexia is a widespread condition, with an estimated frequency of one dyslexic child in each mainstream school classroom (Miles, 1994). Professor Berlin of Stuttgart (1872) coined the term ‗dyslexia‘, based on the case histories of adults who could read only three to five words, but were of high intelligence. Use of the term has continued to this day, with dyslexia likened to conditions with neurological abnormalities. Initially, it was thought to be purely an acquired condition from accidental brain damage, until Kussmaul (1878) found developmental cases of word blindness. Orton (1937) first noted the main aspects of developmental dyslexia as pronounced reversals (b/d, p/q, on/no and was/saw), orientation difficulties/strong left-handedness and conflicting lateral preference, which forms the basis for many definitions (see Thomson, 1996; Miles, 1994). This study also uses the definition from the World Federation of Neurology (1968), which defines dyslexia as ‗a disorder manifested by difficulty in learning to read despite conventional instruction, adequate intelligence and socio-cultural opportunity‘. In the UK and many countries in Europe, terms such as ‗dyslexia‘ or ‗Specific Learning Disabilities (SpLD)‘ are used, whilst worldwide and especially in the US, ‗Learning Disabled (LD)‘ and ‗Reading Difficulties (RD)‘ are commonly used terms. ‗Dyslexia‘ and ‗SpLD‘ are more specifically concerned with difficulties that affect most situations (not just reading, e.g., co-ordination and balance) with neurological and phonological epidemiology. Reviews on dyslexia can be found in Thomson (1995) and Miles (1994). Dyslexia is a negative disorder that affects many life skills (reading, writing, arithmetic) as well as balance and co-ordination, with Miles (1994, p. 189) suggesting that dyslexics show ‗an unusual balance of skills‘. Individuals with dyslexia can be affected emotionally by being unable to learn as well as their peers, commonly resulting in low self-image, low selfconcept and even depression (Alexander-Passe 2004a, b, 2006, 2008a, b; Riddick, 1996;

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

24

Neil Alexander-Passe

Edwards, 1994; Ryan, 1994; Scott, 2004). For more than a decade, research has been carried out to identify positive attributes of this disorder; these investigations began with biographical and neurological studies. West (1991) located famous and influential individuals who had school learning difficulties, yet had found alternative ways of learning and succeeded in life (e.g., Albert Einstein, Leonardo da Vinci), making correlations between these factors and dyslexia, and creativity. Thus, public perception of creativity amongst dyslexics has grown (e.g., 712,000 hits on Google). Since West, the use of famous names with dyslexia (e.g., Charles Schwab, Richard Branson, Tom Cruise, Richard Rogers and so on.) has become widespread (Being Dyslexic 2006; Roehampton University, 2006; British Dyslexia Association, 2006; British Broadcasting Corporation, 2004; International Dyslexia Association, 2006; General Communication Headquarters, 2006, McLoughlin, Fitzgibbon and Young, 1994) to illustrate the career heights that dyslexics can reach. However, this could be misleading and could give false hopes to parents, as a high proportion of dyslexics leave full-time education with few or no qualifications (Grant, 2001). Neurological investigations started by Geschwind and Galaburda (1985) noting clinical and post-mortem studies indicated atypical symmetrical brains, suggesting dyslexics have larger right (visual processing) brains; however, this conclusion was based on a very small sample of brains. Later studies have supported such a view and Galaburda (1989) also suggests an ‗alternative wiring hypothesis‘ that some abilities may be strengthened at the expense of others in the re-organisation in the brains of dyslexics. The classic measurement of dyslexia uses the WISC-R (Wechsler, 1974) measures, and the ACID profile (Thomson, 1996) indicates dyslexics show superior performance, rather than verbal skills, in WISC-R subscales. Thus, investigations have since been made into the possibility of superior visualspatial abilities amongst dyslexics, with many correlating such skills to creativity (Padgett and Steffert, 1999; Wolff and Lundberg, 2002). Nicolson and Fawcett (1993) note that a skill that would take a normal child 400 hours to develop and learn would take a dyslexic child 20 times longer to achieve. It is interesting that Fawcett and Nicolson (1994, 1996) found in their studies that 17yr old dyslexics achieved no better performance in a range of literacy skills than their 8yr old controls (in tests of psychometric, phonological and working memory, balance, motor skills and speed of processing). Fawcett (1995, p. 27) gave an analogy of driving through a foreign country, one can do it but at the expense of constant vigilance and an unacceptable cost in resources (e.g. you get tired faster and your error rate is higher). Likewise, dyslexics can go through mainstream schools without high literacy skills but the emotional cost can be unacceptably high.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 3

WHAT IS DYSLEXIA? Why me? Blaming Dyslexia Have you ever said why me? Why am I dyslexic? Yes I have actually [laugh]. I don‟t know if other people do that? Why do you think you say that? Because you are struggling and you just think that everything is going wrong, and it takes me longer to do things. I‟m not as organised as other people; you can see them doing well. It seems to me that they are doing it quite easily without having to think too much about it, where people like me, it takes longer to do think about doing this and that to remember it. (Andrea).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Do you ever blame your dyslexia for things? I kind of use dyslexia as an excuse like my disorganisation with my finances. I don‟t know if I use it as an excuse or if it is the reason, I don‟t know. But very often if I‟m serious, unless I‟m joking about it. So not very often in a negative way I suppose. (Norma). Have you ever said ‘why me, why am I dyslexic’? I think to some extent, I felt growing up „why me, why don‟t I seem to fit, how is it that I am struggling in these things and others find it really easy‟. I began to get down and patronising saying „why can‟t I spell this, you have to be a bit stupid to not get the grammar right‟. I think when I got diagnosed, it stopped (Norman). As the above suggests, dyslexia seems to affect many aspects of a dyslexic‘s life, not just reading or writing, or the effects of dyslexia are wide-ranging. The self-blame is very damaging as it firstly suggests unfair comparison with peers and the secondly that they recognise ‗something is wrong with them‘, leading them to call themselves ‗stupid‘. This can only be damaging to their self-esteem and can only lead to self-doubt of abilities. In Malcolm‘s quote one could also say that the blaming of his dyslexia is enough to absolve him from trying harder in his career and allows his to wallow in self-pity.

It’s Negative What does dyslexia mean to you? I don‟t know. I suppose, it means a gift, positives but I don‟t know, some days it means hard work and doing things differently, just having to work a lot harder than other people, and a lot of other days it means I have empathy with people and

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

26

Neil Alexander-Passe

that I can explain things and I can get on with people and help people, which is different. (Emma). What does dyslexia mean to you? To me, it means I struggle a lot with things, sort of with writing, with my work, I spent a lot of time at college and if I write anything, say a letter or an essay I leave it for a while and then get back to it again and re-read it, and probably rewrite it, and do the same several times before I find [think] it‟s right. (Samuel). What does dyslexia mean to you? It is a curse. Because you can‟t do things like everybody else? I cannot send out quotes or invoices, nothing leaves the office without my wife checking it first. Even if I copy, paste, and change one line it will be wrong. You sound like you see it as something negative. Yes, apart from this one skill I„ve got. But I think I have a slightly higher IQ, but you need it, but if you are going to climb these battles to somehow get round all the other situations you are faced with, if that‟s where your energy is going, so even if you are more intelligent it won‟t come out anywhere but in surviving your inadequacies. (Malcolm). The interesting concept of dyslexia being a ‗curse‘ is interesting, as it relates to unfair comparison to peers, along with the inability to get ones body to do what you ask it to do. Could one ask who is in control here, the person or their dyslexia? I know a silly question, but if your body won‘t do as it‘s told, then you can‘t say that you are in control. Struggling and working hard equalling perseverance is seen by many dyslexics as being hand in hand with having a disability. Many dyslexics say ‗it‘s not fair, others can do things and I can‘t‘, and they would be right, but since when was life fair?

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

It’s Positive What does dyslexia mean to you? I quite enjoy it, I quite enjoy it actually. There are bits to it which I think are an asset, I‟m quite capable of thinking around the problem and that‟s why I think it is an asset, I can sort of look at a new computer program or application and can see where it could go wrong before it does. There are certain aspects which are great fun and quite humorous and I will sometimes leave them in [strange spellings]. (Harry). It is absolutely positive, yeh, you might not know but I have worked [read] quite a bit in [about] dyslexia, I see it as a different way of seeing, having different connections, seeing things differently, it‟s a way of being different, you could have ginger hair, it‟s a different learning style completely. I don‟t see any negatives in dyslexia; I see the issues around dyslexia are socially constructed. (Adrian). What does dyslexia mean to you? I sort of try and describe it as an alternative learning style, because I can learn, but I just don‟t want to learn the way they want to teach me, its also I think we can do things that…[others can‟t]. If you have a problem, we can solve it as we will look at it different by when everyone else is pratting about. We have this superior ability to think „I‟m not doing it that way‟ nor „does it matter if we do it‟. Like someone would be „faffing‟ [panicking] about filling in paperwork, you know, why bother with it. Like why pay the first bill, wait for the red one and then pay it, you know. (Karen).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

What Is Dyslexia?

27

Is it something positive or negative? I wouldn‟t not like to be dyslexic, I look at people who aren‟t dyslexic and think they are missing out. (Trixie). As a dyslexic myself, I‘m glad that other dyslexics can recognise their strengths, or the strengths associated with it. In many ways it‘s about control. Do you control your dyslexia, or does it control you? Those who see dyslexia as a negative allow dyslexia to control them. It‘s the ‗glass is half full or half empty‘ scenario. Positive dyslexics see the abilities it can bring are more important than those the disabilities that can limit them.

It’s both Positive and Negative Is it something positive or negative to you [dyslexia]? When I‟m like this, it‟s positive. But when I‟m on a downer, I find it really really frustrating. I don‟t want a cure or the Dores [treatment] rubbish, I want to be accepted for me, I don‟t want to hide anymore, and I don‟t want to be scared to admit that there is an issue. To me, you know it‟s about being accepted for being me; I don‟t shut off my dyslexia. Its there when I get up in the morning and when I go to bed at night, it goes to the bathroom and on holiday with me. It is part of me, I can not turn it off, but what you can do is learn to use it, acknowledge it and move on. But sometimes outside forces cannot accept it, my big turning point for me, the fewer trips to the doctor during the winter, was to discover my IQ was in the top 2% of the population with the Mensa test, my biggie. I was offered membership, I was offered the big test for membership but I didn‟t want that, all I wanted to know was I wasn‟t stupid. I‟m not stupid, I‟m different, but I‟m me and I‟m okay. (Natasha)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Is it something positive or negative? For me, I would describe it as a positive; however, the environment that is set-up for everybody else makes it a negative. (Ronnie). What does dyslexia mean to you? To me, to be honest, it basically is a label that is given to people whose strengths are not made for today‟s society. That is all it is. If you give things to people visually, they seem a lot happier. To me it is a label that‟s says I am not the best at reading and writing and I never will be. Is it something positive or negative? I think now it is a positive, but not at school. I am very happy with who I am and where I am, so it is a positive. I think for any child, who is dyslexic, it is a negative. (Izzy). The idea that dyslexia can be a positive and a negative at the same time runs from the concept that most people have a balance of abilities and disabilities – no one is perfect. In fact is perfection the aim? Would one want a totally perfect partner? The perfect students at school were called geeks in my day, so perfection is a utopia that most do not or can not achieve. Researchers point to compensation theories to understand how Autistic individuals have difficulties relating to people, but brilliant memories for numbers and mathematical computations. Dyslexia is viewed in similar ways, with the compensation of visual spatial abilities or divergent thinking skills. As the above quotes suggest, many dyslexics see the compensations out-weighing their disabilities, but they do recognise their actual disability comes not their disorder, but how society perceives their difficulties. This will be investigated further in the next chapter on stigma. It‘s realistic to expect good days and bad days from all conditions, but the above individuals recognise their strengths and weaknesses and conclude that dyslexia has affected

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

28

Neil Alexander-Passe

their personality and they wouldn‘t be without it, however they do also recognise that dyslexia is not all good and it can make their life really hard. In conclusion, maybe dyslexia is a double-edged sword or a poisoned chalice?

What does Dyslexia Mean to you? What does dyslexia mean to you? Its sort of word blindness and things like that, there are lots of different strengths to it. Basically it‟s when your brain doesn‟t process the information in a proper manner, that‟s how I see it. And there is nothing you can do about it (Andrea). What does dyslexia mean to you? It is, what it means to me is my brain is wired differently, it‟s basically a different brain to a non-dyslexic and so therefore I see the world differently, I handle problems differently and it means I sort things out things differently and for me it doesn‟t mean that it‟s wrong (Milly).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

What does dyslexia means to you, how would you describe it? I am certain, for me it‟s difficulty with expressing myself in writing, which is the main thing I find frustrating. Sometimes it is a difficulty reading unfamiliar material, like scientific jargon. It could be difficult to assimilate the information, which is a challenge with learning. So it is a challenge to understand written information and communication in writing Yes. Lately I also have had issues with organisation, as I tend to do an awful lot in my head but not writing things down, which I tend to avoid doing, which is a problem with longevity in my work as you are expected to record everything. So at work they want you to take down notes during visits or meeting rather than at the end. Yes. (Norman). So how do dyslexics describe their disorder, which they have experienced for the vast majority of their lives? The positive ones talk about being wired differently and this gives them uniqueness. Whilst they understand their difficulties, some dyslexics note that they have no control of their difficulties. Trying to control a limb or a child that is unwilling to be controlled is highly frustrating, and if continues long-term can seriously affect ones emotional health. Imagine a blind man trying to see or read, or a paralysed person trying to walk…how frustrating would that be? The individual can question faith and their ability to be a fully functional adult if they can‘t even do basic functions. In the dyslexic, the inability to read and write, or even spell basic words can cause anger and suicidal thought, which we will investigate later in this book.

Dyslexia as a Label I guess you are the first person I know who was diagnosed at five year old stage. It is fairly interesting how you view the situation. Do you know what it is, I can‟t remember a single time in my life when I haven‟t been told that I‟m dyslexic. It has been a constant word in my life. I can only vaguely remember the test, at the time I wasn‟t sure why I being tested, being taken out of class for it. I don‟t remember ever doing badly and everyone around me blaming my dyslexia. It has always been this word, I‟m angry that in my whole life I have been labelled, just because the educational system didn‟t fit into my strengths, that I didn‟t fit into

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

What Is Dyslexia?

29

a mould, my brain isn‟t like yours, we are all different, you know. I guess if you test my whole class, most would have a similar IQ, a few would have a high IQ, and others might have an IQ a bit lower. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, it‟s a spectrum. If you don‟t fit into the mould with creativity, artistic ability and original thought, maybe they should be labelled creative or something. Now I‟m in the real world, and in what I‟m doing I‟m brilliant at it. I‟m starting my own business, I know what my strengths are, and I have proven I‟m good at things. (Izzy) Eventually I was 27yrs old when I asked for an assessment but it had been evident in my life when I was put out [into remedial classes] in school with something wrong with me and put into remedial classes and taught in English which was undermining and pressurised – or it made you feel that way, but it was not until I was 27yrs old that I was told I was dyslexic – I had a label to relate to, till then I just felt stupid. (Maureen). So is diagnosis something positive? The above quotes suggest two different perspectives. Diagnosis as a child can lead to special treatment and difference, resulting in exclusion. Whereas diagnosis as an adult can bring understanding of past trauma/educational failure and empowerment. Diagnosis is positive only when it leads to appropriate intervention, where it brings inappropriate assistance it can be negative and disruptive.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Unfair Advantage I guess the reason why dyslexia is so big, is by the large numbers with it, around ten to fifteen percent of all of us. The university I went to was a stepping stone from childhood to adulthood. I didn‟t have a computer there as I got tested (for my disability student allowance) too late in my third year, as I felt I was coping okay. I kind of feel if I wasn‟t dyslexic, I would feel that dyslexics get an unfair advantage. If you are going for a type of career, you must be good at that skill or why bother, I can‟t understand why a dyslexic would choose that career. You choose that career. If you need help, you should work harder. (Izzy). Many dyslexics at school, university and colleges of further education can perceive the extra assistance they receive (a laptop, specialised software, extra time on examinations, specialised help) may give them an unfair advantage compared to their peers. These dyslexics sometimes deny the impact dyslexia has on their learning to date, and that the help now given is unjustified. As one who has had extra time and use of a PC in examinations, I can compare my results with and without intervention. Whilst there is twenty years between taking the examinations (as a child and now as an adult) I have recently retaken my O‘Levels/GCSEs (UK examinations) in English Language and Mathematics. As a child with no interventions I got an E in Mathematics and English language. In this last year (2010) with intervention I have gained a B grade in Mathematics and an A grade in English Language. So I ask you, did the intervention give me an unfair advantage, or has it allowed me to reach and achieve my potential? Is age also a variable? Even if age is a variable, is it enough to explain such a difference in grades. Personally I think not. So my conclusion is that these interventions, whilst they seem unfair, only allow you the opportunity to achieve your true potential. If you do not achieve with these interventions, then its just down to ability and aptitude for the subject. My wife argues that even if some are unfair, the small percentage this may include is not enough to outweigh the gain to the many it helps.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

30

Neil Alexander-Passe

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Chapter Overview Perceptions are an important factor to how a difficulty or a disability affects sufferers; the question posed was ‗what does dyslexia mean to you‘? The quotes suggest that dyslexia is perceived by some as being like a faulty machine and thus they see themselves as deficient to the general public that their bodies do not work properly. This broken or faulty wired computer has problems dealing with too much data, is unreliable and prone to breaking down, however it is capable of producing creative and valued products by bypassing traditional methods of problem solving by having an ability to produce alternative and valued results. The concept of the dyslexic brain being wired differently comes from the autopsy work of Geschwind and Galaburda (1985), Galaburda (1989); Galaburda, Sherman, Rosen, Aboitz and Geschwind (1985), where they found that several examples of brains from dyslexics exhibited different neurological connections and from this they explained that dyslexics may exhibit both deficits and abilities which may be different to the general population. The interview evidence suggests that not only do dyslexics work harder but they are unable to work in the same way as their peers. This creates extra pressure on them to find alternative working methods, and these commonly take longer and are less effective. Such extra pressures can cause stress and make individuals perceive their dyslexia as a curse and something which is a burden to them in their daily life. It is interesting that some are uncomfortable to use dyslexia as an excuse; this suggests that as dyslexia is a hidden disability or difficulty, they feel that they have less right to call it a disability than those in say a wheelchair. The interview evidence in this chapter suggests that participants perceive their dyslexia has been an asset to them in not only choosing a suitable career that expresses their individuality and abilities, but also they can see that their abilities are unique for the workplace. These were noted in not only creative workplaces but also the type of divergent problem solving required in all workplaces. It is interesting that they see the funny side to their dyslexia and how it can affect their thought processes and letter writing. They also seem positive about empathy for others which has come through their own experiences and difficulties. The interview evidence suggests the jury is out on whether dyslexia is purely negative or positive. Most it would seem from this study believe that it is a combination of both. Evidence suggests that they see that dyslexia can bring rich rewards in their lives; however there is a poisoned pill to swallow for such abilities and this is reflected in the additional burden that dyslexia can bring to both learning and workplace environments. It is implied in the quotes that dyslexia is more of a problem at school than in the workplace as adults and this will be discussed in the next chapter ‗Stigma‘ looking at how the world perceives dyslexics and how they perceive the world. Many who see dyslexia as both positive and negative view their lives as struggling with their reading and writing difficulties but feel compensated by visual abilities which makes them different to their peers. A view supported by other researchers in the field (Miles & Miles, 1999; Galaburda, 1989). The interview evidence suggests that the sample blamed their dyslexia for the lack of progression at work and the hard childhood they experienced both at home and at school at the hands of teachers. There also seems to be evidence that dyslexics sometimes blame their dyslexia when they get things wrong or make errors as dyslexia is becoming more socially acceptable and in middle or upper class society something which is advantageous to be.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

What Is Dyslexia?

31

However society has unfortunately developed the habit of labelling an individual too fast as a means to categorize everybody. If someone swears too much they have Tourettes Syndrome, if they misread something they are dyslexic and if they feel sad one day they are depressed. Such labelling is also done to make distinctions between them and others to indicate that they are normal and others are abnormal. Where the label is given to a dyslexic child and support is made available at both school, and university, there is a minority argument that support should stop after school as it may be perceived to give an unfair advantage at university. The question must be posed are dyslexics getting too much help? Is it allowing them to go into careers which they are not suited to? Should as ‗Izzy‘ suggests, that dyslexics should play to their strengths and just expect to work harder. As just noted earlier, labels can be both advantageous and disadvantageous. A label is only good in the case of dyslexics if it is a means to gain additional help and support. In the case of schools and private assessments for dyslexia, whilst schools discourage parents into gaining private assessment of dyslexia it is in part due to their inability to assist postassessment in supporting the child. Thus as commonly experienced, parents pay for a private assessment which confirms dyslexia, they provide a copy to the school and the school is unable to act on such a diagnosis as they lack funds to support such a child. Thus the parents and children at first are ecstatic that there is a label to describe their child‘s difficulties, however this turns to frustration as the label is not enough to gain the additional support required. There needs to be more funding to support dyslexics post-assessment in both remedial and counselling to aid them in their battle to gain literacy and a career path.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

DYSLEXIA AND STIGMA OR LACK OF KNOWLEDGE? Have you encountered any stigma towards it? Not really, I think I have encountered more that people do not know what it is, especially at work, that people misunderstand it, but I have never really encountered any stigma about it, but I‟m working with people who know what the problems are. (Anita) Have you ever tried hiding it? Yes. Why do you think you tried to hide it? Because sometimes I don‟t want to answer questions on it, I don‟t want to have to explain why I do things and how I feel about it, and then…if I do answer questions I want to do so eloquently or properly or so that people understand or in a way that people understand, so that they are accepting of it. I know I try and hide it when I know I can‟t answer questions. (Emma) How were your parents concerning your learning difficulties? My father had an accident during the Second World War; basically, he fell out of a lorry and landed on his head, so when he was taken to hospital the nurse became his wife. So all of his problems were put down to his head injuries and he had a brother with similar problems but you could say that he had APD or dyslexia. But because it was a family issue or a stigma in those days it wasn‟t mentioned, as such problems were associated with mental illness, so it wasn‟t something to be talked about. If you like, going back to the 1920s, my family recognised that my great aunt (and others in the family) had a communication problem, so they built them a house in Bournemouth, as the main family was in London where the family business was. It was easier

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

32

Neil Alexander-Passe

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

to put these young ladies in Bournemouth at the time as it was seen as a retreat. I’m reading up about the stigma of mental health and I know rich families would move family members with mental health away, so that the stigma of mental health did not affect the social standing of the family, thus they would be hidden to the public face of the family. So it did not affect the successful part of the family, as my grandfather was a successful accountant who worked in the city and he basically moved his less outgoing sisters to Bournemouth. They knew there was a problem but wasn‟t sure what it was, so it was easier to just move them away So it sounds like they were fairly understanding of your problems. No. the problem with me was they knew there was a problem but they thought the solution was me putting in more effort and more hard work, without admitting it was there. If they admitted there was a problem then they have to talk about it, they thought if I worked harder, all of this will go away. Did that cause friction with you? I was talking about dyslexia years later to my mum and she would not discuss it, it was still a stigma thing then. (George). What is a stigma? According to Leete (1992, p. 19) ‗Stigma is an ugly word, with ugly consequences‘, with Schulze and Angermeyer (2003) suggesting that stigma adds a dimension of suffering to the primary illness – a second condition which may be more devastating, life-limiting and long-lasting than the first. Gullekson (1992) also suggests for families stigma can mean fear, loss, lowered family esteem, shame, secrecy, distrust, anger, inability to cope, hopelessness and helplessness. Stigma weighs heavily on the concept of normality. Wendell (1996, p. 44) tries to define normality as ‗The power of culture alone to construct a disability is revealed when we consider bodily differences - deviations from a society's conception of a ‗normal‘ or acceptable body - that, although they cause little or no functional or physical difficulty for the person who has them, constitute major social disabilities. An important example is facial scarring, which is a disability of appearance only, a disability constructed totally by stigma and cultural meanings. Stigma, stereotypes, and cultural meanings are also the primary components of other disabilities, such as mild epilepsy and not having a 'normal' or acceptable body size.‘ As Nathaniel Lee in Meggitt (2007) famously said ‗They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me‘. The quotes noted in this chapter suggest that much of the stigma and work discrimination that participants encounter is due to a lack of knowledge in the public domain about dyslexia and how dyslexics can make a positive contribution to the workplace. Over the last century several sections of society have encountered stigmas. These groups have included religion; those with mental health issues; those physically handicapped; those with medical problems such as diabetes, crohn‘s disease and AIDS; colour of skin, gender and sexual orientations. In the majority of cases the stigma has come from lack of public knowledge and the inability to see that ALL individuals have skills and abilities to aid society. Stigmas have caused problems such as social exclusions (e.g. how South Africa treated black people) and religious persecutions leading to death (e.g. Hitler against the Jews), however it is more subtle influences which underlie the problems that stigma causes, being turned down for jobs and treated as unable to mix in society which can have lasting effects on countless generations. Studies in the field of stigma suggests that the experience of stigma (Byrne, 2000) includes: shame, blame, secrecy, being the black sheep of the family, isolation, social exclusion, stereotypes and discrimination. Byrne then suggests there is a cycle to stigma which begins with the initial condition (e.g. disability) which leads to stigma, then

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

What Is Dyslexia?

33

discrimination, then disadvantages, leading to lower self-esteem and more disability as a result. This then leads to less resistance and then triggers and reinforces the initial condition. Such a cycle is self-perpetuating and leads to greater stigmas as no understanding is added to society. In the workplace Stuart (2004) suggests a cycle starting with the initial condition (e.g. disability) leading to social stigma, then unemployment, then under employment due to feeling too inferior to their peers to work, leading to self-stigma by viewing yourself as less worthy by internalizing the social stereotypes which again leads back to reinforcing the initial condition. Both models suggest that unless intervention is made both cycles are selfperpetuating and society can not develop. Table 1. The Models of Disability The Moral Definition

A moral model of disability which regards disability as the result of sin;

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

The Medical Definition A medical model of disability which regards disability as a defect or sickness which must be cured through medical intervention; The Treatment Definition

A rehabilitation model, an offshoot of the medical model, which regards the disability as a deficiency that must be fixed by a rehabilitation professional or other helping professional; and

The Social Definition

The disability model, under which the problem is defined as a dominating attitude by professionals and others, inadequate support services when compared with society generally, as well as attitudinal, architectural, sensory, cognitive, and economic barriers, and the strong tendency for people to generalize about all persons with disabilities overlooking the large variations within the disabled community.

There are four main definitions of disability (Kaplan, 2008) which are relevant to the discussion of stigma and dyslexia (See Table 1). The first is the ‗moral or religious‘ definition of disability, where the individual is regarded as disabled by sinning against God. The second is the ‗medical‘ definition where the person is disabled by being born defective or they develop a condition which makes their body ineffective. The third is the ‗rehabilitation‘ definition that comes to the fore in that until such a fix is made with medical intervention they are not a complete person without the medical fix. The last is the social definition, which believes that difference is part of society and that everyone has something to give to society. It celebrates difference to the other three definitions which sees difference as something to be feared and to be avoided. Researchers suggest that dyslexia is similar to an invisible disability such as religious or sexual orientation, in that there is no obvious appearance of disability (e.g. being in a wheelchair or exhibiting so called abnormal behaviour). Such invisible groups according to Beatty and Kirby (2006) have difficulty forming group awareness, because people are reluctant to publicly claim a potential damaging identity in the workplace and socially. Being invisible means eventually declaring one‘s hidden identity and ‗coming out‘ is required to employer, friends and family. Such disclosure is weighed up to its advantages and disadvantages before they take the plunge to openly disclose. Thus in many ways being

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

34

Neil Alexander-Passe

dyslexic and being gay are very similar as they are both perceived to be negative in the workplace and ‗coming out‘ is required to gain protection by discrimination legislation. Gordon and Rosenblum (2002) note that ironically the laws that protect people with invisible identities also create and reinforce stigma by naming and categorizing groups. This also points to the lack of power by certain groups to advocate for themselves, thus in the case of those in the minority (e.g. being black or a woman in the last century or being gay in this century) along with dyslexics they are unable to advocate for themselves as many lack the ability to use reading and writing skills. In the UK, the main national charities protecting the rights of dyslexics (British Dyslexia Association) have been set-up and run by parents of dyslexics. Unintentionally they have confirmed that their dyslexic children are unable to voice their concerns and they are incapable to fend and campaign for themselves. The evidence in ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ suggests that dyslexics do experience discrimination due to their disability, whether they perceive it as a disability or not. There seems to be too little information about dyslexia and what it affects in the public domain, thus parents and even teachers perceive dyslexia as something negative and not something they feel able to deal with. It is hoped that recent legislation in both the US and the UK will protect dyslexics in the workplace, however as noted earlier to gain protection by this legislation they will need to disclose their hidden disability to the world. However many dyslexics have survived the last twenty, thirty or more years in the workplace and school without their difficulties being highlighted. As noted in a later chapter (Do you feel successful), one participant noted that they had felt successful in hiding for so long, with many feeling unhappy about disclosing their difficulties as they may feel that this will firstly go on their record and secondly it could have a negative effect on promotion and other prospects in their future. Many perceived that they only felt dyslexia was a disability when they were at school, as it was an inflexible environment where there is no escape from reading and writing with comparison with age appropriate peers. As one participant in this study noted ‗I‘m only disabled by my dyslexia when you put me into a classroom‘ (Natasha). There is much more flexibility as an adult to choose professions that play to a dyslexic‘s strength and ones that limit the need for reaching and writing, along with greater use of technology (e.g. computers and spell-checkers) to assist in writing. Whilst a minority, it should be noted that some dyslexics may withdraw from a society which they feel ill-skilled to participate in.

CURES FOR DYSLEXIA Are Dyslexic Genes Bad? Are they Malfunctioned? This is a hard question to answer. Thomas West (1991) suggest that dyslexia is the next stage in human development, in a Darwinism developmental model. His answer to the ‗are the genes bad question‘? Is ‗no‘. To the ‗are dyslexics unsuited to today‘s educational system‘? He would argue ‗yes‘. West argues that as society becomes more and more dominated by computers and automation, most roles that can be automated will be replaced by machines that will remove human error and be faster and cheaper. The roles hat will

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

What Is Dyslexia?

35

remain and grow in importance will be those that require creativity and ‗out of the box‘ thinking. This is where dyslexics tend to excel. The alternative neural wiring hypothesis (theory) by Galaburda (1989) from autopsies suggest that dyslexic brains develop links in alternative ways, and these links create the ability to produce divergent thinking, compared to convergent thinking in the general population. Divergent thinking: that there is more than one answer to a question. Convergent thinking: that there is ONLY ONE answer to a question. To illustrate this I will use a test of creativity/divergent thinking by Guilford (1967). It‘s called the ‗Pencil‘ test. Try it for yourself. Don‘t cheat and look beyond the next paragraph. For the next 30 seconds or minute, write down on a piece of paper as many uses you can think of for a pencil. Yes that thing you draw with. Okay, how many did you get? The Convergent or conventional thinker will write down some of the following: to write with. Maybe they will just stop there, if they are a bit creative they will come up with something to poke a person with. Okay, now for the divergent or unconventional thinker. They might write down: to write with, a weapon, a stirrer for coffee/tea, something to change a watch time with, a shaper to mould paper/card with, something to count with, to shade a drawing with (using it on its side), a shape to draw round, a paperweight, something to measure with, something to make a noise with like a drum etc

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How many of these did you get? So the ideal that dyslexics are likely to be divergent, suggests that their skills may be of use in the next generation. All they need to do is last out this generation being sane, and then they should be alright.

Should we Test for Dyslexia in the Womb (Gene Repair Therapy)? To date, the strongest evidence for linkage with dyslexia is a site on the short arm of chromosome 6, with others replicated on chromosomes 1, 2, 3, 11, 15 and 18 (Grigorenko, 2005). So what good is such knowledge? If it helps with diagnosis so dyslexics can be helped before they experience failure in the classroom, then that‘s positive. If it is used by parents to choose to abort possible dyslexic children, then I think it‘s a huge negative. I think you need to ask yourself, if you see dyslexia being similar to Downs syndrome? Is it something to be avoided? I think with Downs syndrome the test is quite reliable, the Nuchal scan (at 11-13.6 weeks) has a 75% probability. Fagerheim, Raeymakers, Tonnessen, Pedersen, Tranebjaerg, and Lubs (1999) suggests the possibility of a genetic scan for dyslexia, which they argue might also overcome the varying nature of diagnosis. But is dyslexia something to be prevented?

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

36

Neil Alexander-Passe

Should Dyslexics Attempt to Dilute Dyslexic Sperm/Eggs to Reduce the Chances of Having Dyslexic Children? Does it Work? Is it Logical?

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

This came out of a ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ research participant ‗Malcolm‘, as he told me that he jokingly, although knowing him well, I believe him, purposely choose a nondyslexic wife to try and ‗dilute‘ his dyslexic genes. Did it work? No, as he has three highly dyslexic children. But is this a logical way of removing dyslexia from families where is it affects individuals severely? Malcolm is a severe dyslexic, who more than likely from his symptoms, suffered from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) when attending school for his children. At school he was written off for his reading and writing skills but excelled in electrical engineering. As an adult he still suffers badly through dyslexia, especially with short-term memory. Whilst the logic seems correct, it did not work in Malcolm‘s case. Maybe his genes were too dominate, or maybe his wife‘s family had mild dyslexia in there somewhere, its difficult to be certain. What seems clear is that in his case it didn‘t work. In my case I am dyslexic and suffered badly at school as a result. I have four children, two sets of twins. Like Malcolm, I married a bright, intelligent, university-educated nondyslexic girl. None of my own children show the slightest sign of dyslexia, and they are 8yrs and 12yrs old. From my other ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ participants (29 in total), most had dyslexic children and non-dyslexic siblings. From such a straw-poll I would say that marrying a nondyslexic doesn‘t guarantee you a non-dyslexic child, and it‘s highly likely they will be dyslexic. Interestingly many of my research participants (22 out of 29) also suffered from depression, and like dyslexia, susceptibility to this has also been passed down. Like dyslexia, mental illness has a genetic path.

Taking a Cure Pill? If you were offered a pill to cure it, would you take it? Firstly, I do not see it as a disease, but I can understand your concept. I probably would, as the majority of people out there are not dyslexic, so therefore, the world is set-up for the non-dyslexic, and I think life would be considerably easier living like the rest of the population. It is the environment, the society that is disabling, not dyslexia. (Anita) Would you prefer to be dyslexic or not? I think I would prefer not to be, if I could see what it‟s like before I make up my mind. Um, I know a lot of people who are dyslexic who are creative and stuff, whilst I am quite creative where if I wasn‟t [dyslexic] I wouldn‟t be. But for me because I was not diagnosed till I was a late teenager, all I knew is that it made me think I was stupid without a reason for it, but if I had been supported [growing up] from primary school, I might feel different. (Lara) If you were offered a magic pill to cure you of your dyslexia, would you take it? Yes. Jump at it? Yes. Can you stop taking it and go back? Some people say that they would love to take it to know what its like to not be dyslexic One hundred percent. I think I told you to begin with, I am who I am because of two things [my father is a holocaust survivor and I am dyslexic],

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

What Is Dyslexia?

37

would I be a different person? Probably I would be the same person but could read and write, with neat handwriting. (Malcolm). If you were offered a pill to cure you of dyslexia, do you think you would take it? [Pause] I am not sure I would, I think I have got to forty-years old, I cannot get back all the time I lost at school. So if I took a pill now I am unsure what I would gain, but I might lose the other stuff which is positive. (Norman) So if there were a pill to rid you of dyslexia, you would not take it to be ‘normal’. Funnily enough if it was a temporary thing, then yes I would take it to see what it is like to not be dyslexic. I wouldn‟t like to be „cured‟, because I was always one of the kids at school, if the fashion was to have short hair I would have long hair and visa versa, I have never been a follower of fashion or of other people, I have always, not necessarily been the leader, throughout school I was always called „a sheep as he follows others‟ but I wouldn‟t have necessarily have said that, I‟ll try to manipulate the other to my way of thinking, even at a very young age. (Peter).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

The interview evidence suggests that if such a pill existed (which presently it does not) and causes a dilemma amongst dyslexics, what would they gain by taking it? Would it replace their difficulties with as many side effects? It did not seem as clear cut as originally perceived at the study‘s outset. From the participants in this study it seemed that most were happy with their dyslexia even thought it made their lives sometimes hard, they did not wish to trade their advantageous creativity and eccentricity for the ability to read and write as per their peers. A running theme was that dyslexia had made them an individual and that they did not follow their peers in life, however this could be seen as them empowering themselves by turning difficulties into an advantage or creating a means to cover up their inabilities or unreliable coping strategies.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 4

CHILDHOOD FEELING DIFFERENT What Is Normal? Who Is Normal? And Who Is Abnormal? Do Dyslexics Crave to Be Accepted and Understood?

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Did you feel normal growing up? Normal, no. I always felt different, not with everybody, as there were those in the class that you sort of clicked with, yeh because they were dyslexic as well [laugh]. Do you think you made friends more with children of the same sort of problems? I don‟t know, there were a couple of people in juniors that I stayed friends with them from junior to senior school, but yeh, I was quite picked on because of my accent, I wore different clothes and coloured socks. So it sounds like you enjoyed being different? I did like being different, as my parents brought me up that different was good. Therefore, you were happy to be different. Yes happy to be different, [however] I [also] kind of wanted to be the same, so I wouldn‟t feel different [amongst my peers]. (Emma). How was your time at primary school? I always felt left out, on the outside. By your teachers or peers? I felt I did not fit, I felt they were doing things I could not do. So it was like a two way process, if I felt I could join in, I would, and thus if I did not join in they just left me alone. Teachers generally tended to be rather supportive without really understanding what the problem was. (George). Growing up do you think you felt normal? [Pause] Strangely enough, I have not thought about that. I always thought I was a bit unique. I have never thought about it. I always thought I was some case study for some higher being and that they were keeping an eye on me. Again, it was the little world I escaped to. I always thought I was not „run of the mill‟ [something different/special] Did that make you feel good, being a little bit different Yes, I would say, I used it to my advantage in my own little world. I did think I was different, not stupid, but different from everybody else. Do you think that was your shell, like a safe shell? I had never thought about it in that way, but yes maybe. (Peter). Morgan and Klein (2001, p. 53) suggests that dyslexics have strong awareness in comparing themselves with their peers and recognise intuitively their undefined and unacknowledged learning difficulties, with many adults noting that they felt this way from an early age. Gilroy (1995, p. 66) notes in her experience that dyslexic students tend to compare

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

40

Neil Alexander-Passe

themselves unfavourably with their peer group and that Griffiths (1975) found that dyslexic students saw themselves as less intelligent than their peers. Thus they recognise their abnormality, as also seen by Alexander-Passe (2009b, c) with dyslexic adults. Rob in Morgan and Klein (2003), aged 5 asked his mother for a new brain like the tin man in ‗The wizard of Oz‘, as his brain didn‘t work the same way as his friends, who were beginning to read and write. This seems the ultimate in recognising ones difference! The above interview evidence suggests that dyslexics felt they were different at school and that this difference made them feel alienated, inferior, misunderstood and excluded by peers. This turned out to be a very emotive aspect of the research study as school is a time in an individual‘s life that can make the difference between growing up happy and one that is sad and resentful. Remember these are adults looking back to their childhoods and the strength of their quotes suggests that much pain went on and the interviews only touched on a small part of their lives. Evidence suggests that the dyslexic is marked out as being different by the way they attend to school tasks, by their divergent way of problem solving and by their inability to learn as quickly as their peers. Even their co-ordination problems makes them stick-out as they are unable to socially mix at playtime with ball games. The inability to do a tie knot or tying shoe laces marks the dyslexic out as inferior, along with getting lost or forgetting to bring the right clothes or text books marks them as abnormal. All children when entering school or nursery perceive themselves as normal. They have had many years of encouragement by parents from activities on a one to one basis, on entering school they begin to compare themselves to others as others compare themselves to them. They enter school thinking the world is a happy place and very quickly learn that there are winners and losers in life, children who can do things and children who can‘t. Life changes from a safe and friendly environment to one that they must be on edge to defend themselves not only in the classroom, but in the playground as well. In primary and early secondary school, all children wish to be the same and not stick out, as experienced dyslexia teachers noted ‗dyslexic children – all children – hate to fail, hate to be different, hate to be singled out as having ‗special needs‘ (Burden, 2005). The undiagnosed dyslexic child sticks out easily as different and their segregation to the slow classroom table or the remedial class does not help the situation. As the world of comparison has put them on edge, due to failure they become hypersensitive to criticism which is perceived to be a logical reaction to frequent failure, more frequently experienced than their peers (as found by Edwards, 1994 and Riddick, 1996). Cutting and Dunn (2002, p. 856) found that generally ‗five year olds…were sensitive to criticism; they reacted significantly more negatively in response to criticised failure than in response to noncriticised failure‘. Such a reaction causes the production of anxiety and lower self-esteem, indicating how fast school failure affects children. Erikson (1950) suggested that our early childhood experiences play a significant part in our attitudes towards ourselves and our place in the world. This shaping is called self-concept and is easily damaged. Rogers (1959, p. 138) discusses self-concept to be ‗composed of such elements of the perceptions of one‘s characteristics and abilities: the perceptions and concepts of the self in relation to others and to the environments; the value qualities which are perceived as associated with experiences and objects; and the goals and ideas which are perceived as having positive or negative valence‘. Or as Burns suggests (1982, p. 7) ‗selfconcept is best regarded as a dynamic complex of attitudes held towards themselves by each

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

41

person‘ and has two parts: self-image and self-evaluation. However, Hansford and Hattie (1982) point out that self-concept, self-image and self-esteem are often used interchangeably without adequate definitions and applied without valid and reliable measurement techniques. This comes in part from the hypothesis that self-concept is based on a highly subjective set of constructed attributes and feelings which take on meaning for the individual through evaluation compared to their particular society (Burns, 1982), as also found with self-efficacy.

DYSLEXICS AND THE FAMILY

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How do Dyslexics Relate to their Families? Rutter (1983) notes the influence of a child‘s family is both important and sizeable. Thus in deconstructing the emotions of the dyslexic, family life is crucial in understanding emotions coming from the dyslexic, his/her siblings and his/her parents. All are affected but in different ways. The diagnosis of dyslexia triggers many emotions in parents. Firstly that the child is not in fact thick or lazy, but is of average or higher intelligence than first perceived. Such a realisation can bring guilt in parents that they wrote off their child‘s academic potential too soon and that they may have been unkind in thinking or punishing their child for being lazy, not trying hard enough at school/ home doing homework. Whilst the initial reaction by most parents is shock, in real terms many main carers (mostly the mother) had known for many years that something wasn‘t right but couldn‘t put their finger on what or why. However the actual diagnosis confirms their initial gut instinct, however in many cases this causes anger towards teachers and schools who thought they knew best and who had ignored parental questioning. Self-blame also exists that they did not believe in themselves, and that their child is many years behind in school due to their inaction or self-belief. Secondly, the realisation that they have a child with a disability also triggers different emotions in parents. Many parents according to Scott (2004) go through a form of bereavement or mourning. The bereavement comes from some parent‘s belief that they had lost their fantasy child. This fantasy is the loss of their idyllic child who would become a doctor, lawyer or a top sportsperson. There is also a loss of play and shared interests with their idyllic child, as all time is now needed for remedial work to overcome difficulties. In over-ambitious parents, the dyslexic realises they are failing their parent and this puts more pressure on the parent-child relationship. Mourning comes that they have not produced a perfect child but one that is faulty and defective, this can turn into blame as each parent blames the other that it‘s their fault the child is like this. This can affect parental relationships and cause both arguments and marriage break-ups. Sex lives can also be affected as one or both partners feels guilty about having faulty reproductive systems. Along with the realisation of disability comes the need for greater involvement of parents and especially the mother. Such involvement can cause resentment between the dyslexic child‘s siblings due to perceived favouritism causing jealously, but also the exclusion of the secondary carer (in most cases the father) as the mother normally becomes the dyslexic child‘s champion to the detriment of the parent‘s relationship. Scott (2004) notes that

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

42

Neil Alexander-Passe

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

disability and specifically dyslexia can break up marriages, due to both economic pressures to care and educate a disabled child privately, but also due to the greater and exclusive care of the mother. Much of these strains can be alleviated by both educating siblings and the father to the nature of the problem and by encouraging them to assist, making it a family challenge rather than just the mother‘s problem. Many problems bringing up dyslexic or disabled children comes down to incorrect or misleading information about the nature of the disability along with the long-term prognosis and possible assistance available. Many parents of dyslexics, like the dyslexic themselves, feel isolated and this isolation reinforces the shame and embarrassment that leads to anger, hatred and resentment about the disability. Scott (2004) talks about ‗coming out‘ as an effective means for parents to not only deal with negative emotions but also access help available. The sharing and releasing of emotions not only can have a positive affect on the isolation, but can bring greater realisation that they are not alone, that other parents are going through similar issues and lastly that the long-term prognosis is better than first feared. The best course is for parents to firstly be realistic about what will be possible for their child‘s academic career and secondly to out-source localised remedial or homework help to another adult or to a sibling. Even the most skilled and educated parent is likely to cause tension, frustration and disagreement to the parent/child relationship, according to Scott (2004) and Goldup and Ostler (2000). Parents are advised to concentrate on non-academic skills to improve the child‘s self-esteem and confidence. The ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ study found family life growing up e.g. relationships with parents and siblings, were important factors in their ability to cope with their dyslexia and their difficulties. Family support was seen as hugely vital, and this is even more important when they are being unfairly compared to non-dyslexic siblings. Where this was not given, dyslexics tended to feel isolated at school and at home which made them feeling like outsiders, resulting in withdrawal, depression and self-harm.

HOW CHILD DYSLEXICS COPE How Dyslexics do Cope at School? In the study of coping, Endler & Parker (1999) suggests that three areas (Task, Emotion & Avoidance) should be investigated, as each play a part in coping methodology:

Task-Based Coping Coopersmith (1967) found that successful dyslexic teenagers were active and expressive individuals. Wszeborowska-Lipinska (1997) found that successful dyslexics were pro-active in overcoming hurdles, which required high levels of self-confidence. Scott et al.‘s (1992) study found key factors to success amongst dyslexics to be: encouragement of talents; hobbies (from peers etc); and a search for self-worth. Reiff, Gerber and Ginsberg (1997)

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

43

study of successful individuals with learning disability (an American term for dyslexia) also found that persistence and stubbornness were assets. McLoughlin, Leather and Stringer (2002) found hard work and determination to be underlying factors in success at school. Alexander-Passe (2006) also found that compared to females, males tend to use more task-based coping resulting in normal percentile self-esteem levels and minimal depression. All these traits: expressive; pro-active; search for self-worth; persistence; stubbornness; and determination are descriptions of task-based coping strategies.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Emotional-Based Coping Trying hard or asking for help and not receiving any, can cause children enormous frustration (Edwards, 1994). Parents and teachers see bright and enthusiastic children who are not successfully learning to read and write. Ryan (1994) comments that no one knows how hard the dyslexic is really trying, and each year that their peers surpass them in reading skills, their frustration increases. It is important for teachers to recognise the frustration that dyslexics feel at school in the classroom: an inability to express their ideas in written form; an inability to read books of interest (rather than for their reading age), and having to work considerably harder than their peers to attain the same achievement level (Thomson, 1996). The negative experiences of school, as found by dyslexic teenagers in Edwards (1994), had associated reactions of: lack of confidence; self-doubt/denigration; and sensitivity to criticism; behavioural problems; truancy/school refusal; and competitiveness disorders. In Butkowsky and Willows‘ study (1980), average to good readers attributed their success to their ability, whilst poor readers attributed their lack of success to luck. Poor readers however tended to blame themselves by attributing failure to their own incompetence, and success to environmental factors e.g. luck. Correlations to ‗learnt helplessness‘ (Burden, 2005; Diener and Dweck, 1978; Miller and Norman, 1978) can also be made. Dyslexics often react to their difficulties by withdrawing emotionally, or conversely becoming aggressive, and compensating.... by obtaining negative attention from others (Thomson & Hartley, 1980, p. 19). Supporting Butkowsky and Willows, Hales (1994a) suggest there is strong evidence to imply that dyslexics are more disturbed by criticism. Hales found dyslexics experienced considerable amounts of criticism at school, especially before their condition was diagnosed. Alexander-Passe (2006) found compared to males, females used more emotional and avoidance-based coping, resulting in lower percentile scores in general and academic self-esteem and moderate depression. All these traits: frustration; lack of confidence; self-doubt; sensitivity to criticism; behavioural problems; competitiveness disorders; self-blame; and aggressiveness are all descriptions of emotion based coping strategies.

Avoidance-Based Coping Do you think you were avoiding things inside of the classroom? How were you with reading out aloud? Oh gosh, yes, I would never have wanted to read out aloud, I very much tried to keep or hide, into the background with things like that Do you remember any

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

44

Neil Alexander-Passe

strategies to avoid stuff in the classroom? Not particularly, I just tried me make myself as inconspicuous as possible. Do you think you chose subjects that required less writing? Oh, yes. I dropped foreign languages as soon as I could, I most certainly was a belligerent child by that stage, thinking „why are they trying to teach me a foreign language when I have enough problems with my own‟. I was trying to get extra help in English, trying to look around to see what could be done, as I just knew I was not keeping up with the other people. I chose sciences and things like that, that were easier than those that were classed as „the arts‟. (Anita). Did you try to avoid work in the classroom? That was not a particular issue, as long as I was not on the front row. I would try to keep my head down in class. What were the issues in the classroom? Were they about reading aloud? My self-doubts about myself and not wanting to look foolish in front of the group. The fear of looking foolish in front of the group, coming out with something inappropriate or wrong. I can rationalise it, it is almost totally illogical but that was the fear. I once had to read a passage in an assembly for the whole school and I got some words mixed up, I found that hard. (Brian).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

I would avoid doing the written side of stuff by being the teacher‟s helper, helping people. Really? Yes, I got out of a lot of work that way. Do you think it was a form of avoidance? Yes, definitely. What else did you do to avoid schoolwork? I would help people, I would chatter, I would go and take messages and books, and do things, sharpen pencils, anything I could do really. Everything to avoid writing? Yes, if I could do the positives. I would never misbehave or get in to trouble as I would not want to disappoint my parents, but I would do, whatever strategies I could to kind of avoid doing [written] work. (Emma). Do you think you avoided things at school like reading aloud? Oh yes, I avoided it. I would do anything to not read aloud. The worst thing for me was a foreign language, because they were introducing tape-recorded lessons, oh god…I cannot process my own language, without even considering someone else‟s. I went through similar things with a French lab, I also hated it. So what sort of things did you do to get out of reading aloud? I do not know, faking falling asleep, anything really. When you are put on the spot, you sort of mumble your way through it. I think the teachers realised there was a problem so they tended to avoid me after a while. So they left me out, my turn always seemed to happen at the end of the lesson and that sort of thing. They knew there was a problem, rather than make it an issue they said I would read next time around, then someone else started and I was thus forgotten about. How about in the classroom, did you place yourself in the back row so you were not seen? It‟s even my coping strategy now, I will always go to the back of any room, so I can see what it going on, it‟s a visual coping strategy, so I can see how others are reacting. Yes, I probably did it at school to avoid being seen. …You avoided reading out aloud, you moved to the back of the classroom to be avoided being picked on. Were you also the class clown or played up to be sent out of the room? Not really, I was too quiet. I was the quiet one in the back. So you tried to be invisible. Yes, I tried to avoid being seen, to blend in but also not to be seen making mistakes. (George). Do you think you were ever try to avoid school work, like reading out aloud Yes, at all costs What work did you try to avoid? I used to copy other people‟s homework. Just generally try and avoid stuff…In the end, my mother got me an English tutor to help with my English and the tutor basically wrote all my essays for me. We wrote such detailed notes that in the end

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

45

my mother was paying her to do my work for GCSE, she [the tutor] knew what she was doing and I knew what she was doing, she was being paid to do it. I also copied my science work, so really I did not do much in the end. But I did the subjects I enjoyed like craft and technology. (Izzy). Did you avoid certain tasks at school? Like reading? Yes, like the plague. So what sort of things did you do to avoid reading and writing? If there weren‟t enough text books I would get the other person to read it aloud, you know. I traced quite a lot with my finger. Did you offer to do errands, sharpening pencils all the time? Yes. (Jean).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

It was a school where spelling was important and if you got it incorrectly, you had to write it again three times, if you still got it, wrong you had to write it out ten times…I did a lot of that [laugh]. So do you think back then you avoided things to cover up for your difficulties. I think I did, yes, I would do things in the classroom, so I would be sent outside. Therefore, you played up to avoid work. Yes. I spent a lot, the last three years of primary school standing outside the classroom [laugh]. I got very good at occupying myself in my head. (Trixie). In large schools, avoidance of competing or reaching potential goes unnoticed, compared to smaller schools. This extreme non-participation through lack of confidence is a recurring characteristic in dyslexics (Scott, 2004). Avoidance strategies deflect attention from low academic ability and under-performance and teachers see these avoidance strategies very differently, with perceptions such as laziness and lack of parental support (Alexander-Passe, 2004a, b, 2006, 2008a, 2009a, 2010a). Edwards (1994, p. 61) also noticed that some dyslexics suffer from competitiveness disorders, with many withdrawing both academically and socially ‗Gareth only tries hard if he thinks he can win. If not he merely gives up…. Nevertheless, he had to be very sure of his good standard before making himself vulnerable again‘. Anxiety causes humans to avoid whatever frightens them, and dyslexia is no exception. However Ryan (1994) notes that teachers misinterpret this avoidance as laziness. In fact he notes that the avoidance is more related to anxiety and confusion than apathy. Reid (1988) found when pupils feel ‗unwanted, rejected, uncared for and disillusioned … they start to manifest their disaffection by staying away, disrupting lessons, or underachieving‘. If academic success cannot give dyslexics self-worth, then they begin to withdraw from classroom activities (negative environments), according to Morgan (1997). There is a growing body of evidence to suggest that children with dyslexia avoid tasks which highlight their difficulties. Avoidance techniques can be as simple as constantly breaking the tips of pencils, so as to spend the maximum time sharpening them and consequently less time at the desk doing work, although dyslexics (especially females) tend to prefer less obtrusive ways to avoid academic work, by rarely putting up their hands or sitting at the back of classes to be invisible (i.e. not picked by teachers to take part in the class), as noted by Alexander-Passe (2004a, b, 2009a, b, 2010a). Riddick (1996, p. 131) suggests ‗by secondary age all dyslexic children claim that they avoid difficult to spell words and over half of them claim that they put off or avoid doing writing‘. In a study of dyslexic school children (primary and secondary), Riddick (1996, p. 130) found pupils commenting that they ‗daily avoided using difficult words to spell, wrote less (avoiding making mistakes) and put off starting work as coping strategies‘, as also found by Alexander-Passe (2004a, b, 2009a, b).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

46

Neil Alexander-Passe

In fact, out of 45 noted strategies found by Riddick, avoidance was featured in 35 of them. The other 10 were characterised by asking classmates to help. These findings were similar to Mosely‘s (1989) study concerning adults and children with general spelling difficulties. Pollock and Waller (1994) found that dyslexic children were perceived as immature (in their vocabulary choice and mode of expression) by school teachers and examination board markers, as they preferred using words they knew how to spell. But, if they did use words where the spelling was uncertain, they felt accused of being careless and risked lower self-esteem. Thus word avoidance has attractive advantages to young dyslexics – they think it is better to be seen as immature than to risk embarrassment. Another aspect of school refusal is shown by individuals who develop psychosomatic disorders or other illnesses to avoid school: ‗I used to pretend I was sick, make myself puke, and say I don‘t wanna go today‘, one dyslexic teenager commented (Edwards, 1994, p. 110). Edwards gives an powerful example of psychosomatic pain in the following story of a 12year-old dyslexic, Trevor developed a pain in his right leg requiring crutches. To him it felt like a rare disease. The hospital doctor concluded that he was dyslexic but intelligent, was therefore frustrated, and that the frustration was expressed as pain in the right thigh, which occurred about once every six months and could last 10 days at a time. Strangely enough, she found this same teenager was reluctant to truant, as he felt there would be ‗repercussions and (that it) was pointless anyway‘ (p. 39). This suggests a main difference between normal truants and dyslexics avoiding school (social conscience). Another 12-year-old used to get into fights with larger or other (dyslexic) kids to get off school. The injuries were for mutual avoidance reasons, not anger, and usually meant two to three days off school.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Hiding in the Classroom Do you think you were hidden within the classroom? Yes. I would choose to put myself at the back of the class, never in the front of the class So you chose to be invisible then. Yes (Jean). How old were you when the learning problems first began to show up? I was aware of it, to me my handwriting and spelling is perfect because I can read it. It didn‟t occur to me that others couldn‟t read it, so I didn‟t get ten out of ten at spelling in primary school and I was missing out chunks of words when I was writing sentences and things. I would forget how to do things, so fairly early on, but no one had a name for it. As I was so quiet, I would hide myself so no one would notice. So you avoided being on the teacher’s radar then Yes. (Kirsty). Many dyslexics I have spoken to about this would hide in class, in the black row. Yes, I certainly would duck down a few inches behind the person in front of you, if they would ask for volunteers, I would never volunteer. (Norman). Do you think you would try to avoid being picked on to read in class? Yes. How? I think I used to be quiet and sit in the back row, and hope that no one noticed me. Playing up to be sent out? No, that was not me. So you were quiet and hiding more. Yes. If I got into trouble

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

47

at school, it would be even worse at home. Hiding in the classroom is a common strategy amongst dyslexics. (Rachel). An interesting finding from ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘, that hiding in class was high up on the list of coping strategies. What do dyslexics gain from it? Anonymity in the classroom, a way of blending in and not sticking out. The evidence suggests they try and go for the back row to avoid the teacher‘s eye, they will remain quiet with their heads down to not be seen. Eye contact with the teacher normally means you are on their radar to be asked to read out aloud or answer a posed question.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Using Friends in Class How were you copying things from the blackboard? The teacher would move onto the next set of notes [clear the board] before I had finished writing them down. I had a wonderful friend and we both supported each other through school, generally I got to a point where she would position her book so I would copy what she had written, it got to a point where I wouldn‟t attempt to copy off the board. Do you think your teachers knew what you were doing? I think so, I remember a couple of times being split up and then being put back together, as they realised we were more productive together. How was it at senior or secondary school? I wasn‟t taken out of the classroom for support. Again I didn‟t get extra help as I had quite good coping strategies, my best friend and I were in pretty much the same classes, and things like reading aloud in English lessons, I think looking back now, because of the accent, with my friend and I, I would read and then my friend would sit down and explain what I actually read, as my comprehension was appalling, so I would read her passage as well, [that‟s] how we got away with it [I don‟t know], I would just carry on reading, the teacher just…I just don‟t know, I think we just got that accepted, that‟s what we did and we were allowed to do it. She hated reading aloud and I didn‟t mind doing it, but as I said, I had no idea what I had read. (Emma). What does using friends in the classroom tell us about dyslexics at school? Does it say that they are cheating, or that they have found an alternative coping strategy that works for them. The above quote suggests that to begin with the teacher isn‘t happy with the strategy but finally realised that it proactive and sensible.

Perfectionism Do you think you were a perfectionist at school? Yes, I suspect so. I suspect like me, many dyslexics can be pedantic at times. That having learnt to do it right, you want try and get other people to do it right, spelling and punctuation and things. I struggled hard to get punctuation right, so I want others to do the same. Could being a perfectionist be a coping strategy to control things? Um, I suspect it was a way of simplifying things that having a very simple view of something was a delaying tactic, even if you didn‟t understand what is going on, e.g. the frustration of learning how to read, write or spell. (Harry).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

48

Neil Alexander-Passe

Going back to your school years, how did you cope, did you avoid reading. I panic, as soon as I got an essay I would get straight on to it, I‟m not a quick person, if I do it under pressure I would crack even more, I panic, I do what I can, then I take it to the teachers who support me and my friends at university, I never avoided it, but it would worry me. (Phoebe). What perfection offers dyslexics is a means to protect themselves from negative feedback from teachers, by working and over working on written pieces of work so it is spelling and grammar perfect. The layman would say this is great, they are using all the tools (dictionaries, thesauruses etc) required to make their work the best it can be. However if it takes 3-4 hours to produce a 30 minute homework assignment, and they have 2 assignments an evening and 10 a week for school, there is not enough time for them to do all their homework. If they are unable to submit incomplete homework due to their perfectionism, then this creates stress and anxiety which can lead to mental health problems. Perfectionism may be possible in primary/elementary school where the homework demands are lower (less homework each week), but at secondary/high school the homework demands are too great for perfectionism to be a workable strategy. Educationists might argue that after time the individual‘s spelling and grammar would improve, but this could be countered by the argument that dyslexics need hundreds of repetitions to learn tasks and spelling, and thus there is not enough time each day to be a perfectionist.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Humour and Being the Class Clown Do you use humour to cover up? Oh yes, yeh. It probably was my defence against bullying [at school], people aren‟t going to bully you if you are laughing [at your own difficulties, but is this self-denigration?]. I suspect, if someone is sitting on you, you just laugh it off; they go away and pick on someone else. So you used humour fairly early on to cover up? I probably did, yeh, maybe without realising‟. (Harry). So say that you couldn‟t do things, you would try to make people laugh to cover up the fact? I suppose in the beginning, but after a while…[that was my personality]‟. (Izzy). So it sounds like you were trying to gain approval from your peers by acting up. Yes, that is what it was really about. I think most people do. I think people always want to be liked and if people think you are funny, you will do things to get that, „you would rather people laugh at you for doing stupid things than laugh at you because you are stupid‟. (Izzy). Do you think you played up to be the class clown and gain popularity amongst your peers? Yes, probably. Many dyslexics tell me they try to avoid schoolwork in class by acting up to be sent out of the room. I never really did it to be sent out. You never believe you will get into trouble from the things you do. I was just bored. I do not think anyone really does things in class to get into trouble‟. (Izzy). What does the above interview evidence suggest to you? Was playing the fool something that they wanted to do? Did they want to demean their abilities/disabilities by laughing at one-self? As one noted, soon playing the fool developed into their personality. But why did they need to do this? Evidence suggested in this book would argue that the use of humour and playing the fool is another means to firstly protect one‘s self-esteem, so that their peers like

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

49

them, rather than them seen as a freak who can‘t read or write and shunned as an outsider to their pack. Secondly the use of humour is another avoidance strategy, a very advanced one that is hard to see. It is a way of deflecting negative energy into one that is positive – making people laugh. I was in a school recently where an Aspergers girl used giggling as an avoidance strategy. So strong was this strategy that all the class began to laugh (it was contagious) whenever she found tasks hard. This meant the teacher was unable to continue with the class until the class had been settled again. This girl was sent out of the class, then excluded and then expelled. Ending up in a special school where again she used the same strategies, but in this school they saw the giggling as what it was, an avoidance or defensive mechanism to avoid learning, or avoiding tasks she found hard or boring. Never forget making people laugh is an amazing gift.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Being Bored so Acting up Did you feel bullied by the teachers at primary school? Not really, I think possibly that I was picked on as I was acting up in class. Why do you think you were badly behaved, what triggered that? [Pause], I suppose I do not think I set out to be badly behaved, but I was not listening in class, I found it boring. Do you think you played up when there were writing or reading tasks? Like being asked to read quietly. Therefore, if they said „sit down and read quietly‟ you were not going to do that as you found it boring. Yes, yes I suppose…You were talking about getting into trouble at school because you were bored. At the time I was just unhappy really, it was more to get a laugh out of people, I just did not want people to ignore me… a lot of the time,…I do not think I allowed myself to be bored. After a while people suss you out, plus if people tell you are good you will behave well. If people expect you to be a certain way and they like that, to get a reputation to be like that, you are that. In the beginning, you are acting out to be noticed, but in the end, its how you are or you think you are. It was mainly for people to like me. (Izzy). I was described as „bright, bored and dangerous‟. Wow. I was bored and the work was boring and not motivating. I had not realised that the other kids in my class were not particularly bright and I would make suggestions to not eat the school meals and go to the chip shop and they followed me and that made me a ringleader and we were an undisciplined lot. Once a music teacher was trying to teach us about Beethoven and burst into tears, walked out, was off school for six weeks, and came back and we studied Elvis Presley. How about the other teachers, were they good to you? The home economics teacher was good in that he knew how to deliver lessons and had good classroom control and it was practical. Science I found frustrating as we were not allowed to do any experiments, only allowed to watch them as we were in the bottom stream. (Shelley). My time at school was not particularly happy, but I was quite a stroppy kid. There was a story that I wanted to go to the loo (toilet) and they said no, so I peed there and then, that was my attitude. So it sounds like you were contrary. Yes. You were cheeky in the class; do you think it was a way of being sent out? A combination of that and because I couldn‟t impress my peers with reading and writing. So you made friends by being cheeky. Yes. I made friends and found a niche. A niche status with your peers? Yes (Malcolm).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

50

Neil Alexander-Passe

The interview evidence again indicates other avoidance strategies, as a means of learning or as some put it, as a coping strategy to not be bored in lessons they could not understand. What seems clear is that these dyslexics were not intelligent, but very intelligent in developing strategies that work so well, that teachers label them as disruptive (socially acceptable among their peers) rather than stupid (unacceptable to ones peers and a way of being excluded from social groups). What is also evident is that lessons or subjects where individuals felt they were able to compete alongside their peers they were engaged and did not play up. But when they were faced with tasks they felt unable to ‗get‘ or compete with their peers, they begin to act up and got sent out of class. As with the use of humour, if this strategy is used too much one individual gains a reputation which can be self-defeating, as teachers will ignore them and label them as ‗troublemakers‘ – they will then carry this label throughout their years at school. The individual‘s peers will also label but in a socially positive way. But for the individual it can become a straightjacket of behaviour, that people expect, and will not allow them the opportunity for improvement when they are ready for engagement.

Daydreaming

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

I was always a bit of a daydreamer, taking myself away to the back of the school playing fields. Do you think you were a daydreamer to survive school? Yes. Do you know where you went in your daydreams? No, just out of school, in my junior school, it was over the school fence to the fields, which joined onto a river leading to the main part of town and the industrial estates. So really, you were dreaming of a river path leading away from the school. Yes (Jean). Would you daydream a lot at school? Yes, it‟s really weird, I found one of my old reports from school and everyone says „Kirsty is a daydreamer‟, I must have done it all the time, I wasn‟t aware of it. They would talk to me, the teachers and I would spring out of it and I would say „oh, I‟m sorry‟. (Kirsty). Do you think you daydreamed in class? Yes, all the time. It was probably one of my biggest problems. There were numerous times when the teacher would wake me „Peter, Peter‟ as I was in my own world, and it was normally a much nicer place to be in. [Laugh] (Peter). Daydreaming is a very interesting coping/defensive strategy. To teachers the individual is being rude and ignoring them. But to the individual, its an advanced strategy to protect themselves from inhospitable classes that they are unable to engage in, as Peter puts it ‗I was in my own world, and it was normally a much nicer place to be in‘. As Jean puts it, she was dreaming of leaving the inhospitable school and moving to a much calmer place…a river…smooth and predictable.

Equalling Activities So what made you religious? What was the attraction? It was a social thing, I mixed with my friends there, and no one asks you to read, so as long as you do the movements at the right

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

51

time, I was seen as normal. The helper would tell me what page we were on and I showed others. So it was being within a group where reading and writing did not exclude you, you were an equal? Yes. So you have cars, electricity, camping, synagogue, the youth club…really anywhere where my reading and writing difficulties did not shout out I was different. So you were drawn to these non-academic subjects, do you think your mother supported you in these? They were not aware of the attraction of such activities to me and why. But it was something that you were attracted to. At the time, I do not think I was doing them to avoid writing; it was just where I could be equal. (Malcolm).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Talking to Malcolm was very interesting, as he tells of finding subjects or activities that did not rely on reading and writing, so that he could be seen to be ‗normal‘ and accepted for what he is and not for what he is not. Interestingly recently his father passed away, which was a sad occurrence in anyone‘s life. However in Jewish law you need to read and say out loud in services a very long prescript prayer in Hebrew, three times a day a special prayer. As any dyslexic will tell you, reading aloud especially in a time based situation sends their anxiety high, and reminds them of the classroom where they were judged on reading ability or tutted by an inability to read at speed. As one who has a stammer and dyslexia, when I needed to say this prayer myself a few years ago for my own father, it was a dreaded occurrence and at times the idea of fading into the background was very great. Even those without dyslexia dread it! Dyslexics are encouraged to find equalling subjects/sports/hobbies they are good at. Not only do they allow the dyslexic to find something they are good at, but in many cases they are very good at them, surpassing their peers e.g. design/creativity/car mechanics etc (‗Dyslexia and Depression‘). This is where dyslexics can come into their own and excel, which of course raises their self-esteem and self-worth. Until such a time, they are feed on a daily basis about what they are NOT good at (e.g. at school with reading and writing) which in may cause helplessness and are at risk of mental health issues.

Being Proactive to Find Learning Support How did your mum/nan support you with your learning difficulties? I didn‟t have it diagnosed then, [but] I did know I had a few problems then, but at secondary school I attached myself to the special needs department as I was stressed out with my essays and school work, I lacked confidence and self-esteem and so forth. I attached myself to the special needs department who supported me, there were two lovely teachers who supported me even though at that time I was not diagnosed with anything. They were basically supportive for the homework club and that‟s how I got through it, but my mum was [also] supportive and she didn‟t call me names. With your homework, do you think she was able to help you with it? Initially she could, but as it got harder with the GCSEs, so I mainly relied on teachers. My mum helped when she could. (Phoebe). The interview evidence is huge for this part of the investigation and suggests that avoidance is the main coping strategy to deal with school and has also been found by other studies (Alexander-Passe, 2004a, b, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009a, b, c; Riddick, 1996; Hales, 2001a, b, 2004; Edwards, 1994). As reading and writing is the core skill at school and allows access to the whole school curriculum, any avoidance will affect a dyslexic‘s access to the

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

52

Neil Alexander-Passe

learning and their ability to learn as per their peers. According to the Dyslexic Defence Mechanisms DDMs (See Appendix one) by Alexander-Passe (2009c) avoidance is the initial strategy to deal with hostile learning environments and if avoidance is not deemed to be enough, then either emotional or behaviour defensive strategies are used to deal with the threat. Avoidance therefore is key to understanding how dyslexics cope with their day at school. It is suggested that teachers have a core role in recognising the reluctant reader and to assist them before avoidance becomes a way of life by the dyslexic child. Once dyslexics are allowed to avoid they will see this strategy as means to withdraw and survive each lesson and each day at school. The interview evidence suggests that avoidance in the classroom can vary from breaking pencils on purpose to spend more time sharpening them than on the task required, to volunteer to do any job for the teacher, rather than be in class learning e.g. run errands. The interview evidence is quite clear in identifying that dyslexics tended to sit in the back row and would not put up their hands to volunteer answers or volunteer to do any task that required reading or writing. The theme of being invisible came up time and time again in the interviews and in hindsight being invisible does them no favours in learning, but in the eyes of dyslexics, survival is their aim day in and day out, to avoid the humiliation of being seen as lacking in the classroom. Sasse (1995, p. 113) noted that the best way to avoid class input in subjects that he found difficult or impossible as a dyslexic ‗the best place [to sit in class] was out to the side near the back where I was not in the teacher‘s direct line of sight‘. ‗As so many dyslexics find, after a point, the harder you try, the worse it seems to get. I often ended up in tears! While trying to correct errors I just spelt differently but still not correctly. It wasn‘t only the teacher who became frustrated!‘. ‗She told me he sometimes deliberately broke the point of his pencil 10 times a day‘, mother of a dyslexic in Van der Stoel (1990). Such techniques are aimed at spending the maximum time off-task and consequently less time at the desk doing work, although dyslexics (especially females) tend to prefer less obtrusive ways to avoid academic work, by rarely putting up their hands or sitting at the back of classes to be invisible (i.e. not picked on by teachers to take part in the class). Riddick (1996, p131) suggests ‗by secondary (school) age all children claim that they avoid difficult to spell words and over half of them claim that they put off or avoid doing writing‘. If academic success cannot give dyslexics self-worth, then they begin to withdraw from classroom activities (negative environments), according to Morgan (1997). There is a growing body of evidence to suggest that children with dyslexia avoid tasks that highlight their difficulties. High on the list of causes are the ways in which teachers and schools deal with failure (Fontana 1995, p168): ‗Too often the teacher instils in children a fear of making mistakes and of showing their failure to understand, and this leads to conservative and stereotyped patterns of learning which inhibit reflective thinking and a genuine grasp of the principles upon which knowledge is based‘. The interview evidence suggests that friends are vital as a support network for dyslexics growing up. It is also a way for them to not only cope and catch-up with the workload of school, but it is a means for them to compare and contrast their abilities. Whilst their friends might be better in the classroom, they might be better in the football field or at swimming.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Childhood

53

It was commonly found in this study that dyslexics or un-diagnosed dyslexics as they were at school, tended to socialise with others like themselves, thus they found their own community and place in the hierarchy of the school playground. Each dyslexic copes in their own unique way and some choose perfectionism as a means to not only protect themselves from classroom humiliation, but also teacher humiliation by work being handed back full of red scribbles and negative notes from teachers. Perfectionism is used by some dyslexics to check and recheck work and be fanatical about spending so much time on the work to avoid humiliation by teachers. Whilst this extra time maybe possible during primary school, the increased homework demands of secondary school means that perfectionism is not possible with increased stress and without pushing yourself to emotional breaking point. Harry‘s quote suggests that perfectionism is a means of simplifying things, but in essence it means working much harder than your peers and this cannot be anything but stressful. The evidence from Phoebe suggests that some dyslexics panic as soon as they get work, this is a form of perfectionism as it means they will drive themselves to despair to get the work done. Interview evidence confirms that humour was used as a defence against bullying and the following quote came up time and time again ‗you would rather people laugh at you for doing stupid things than laugh at you because you are stupid‘. This suggests that humour has two benefits, firstly as a means to deflect attention to their difficulties and allows them to raise their self-image with their peers. Morgan and Klein (2001, p. 72) notes that some adults use different strategies to avoid tasks and disguise and distract their inabilities to do tasks at school, being the class clown is a comment noted by several researchers (Edwards, 1994; Riddick, 1996). It is also noted that this use of humour or cheekiness is used in adulthood to cover the embarrassment from misreading words and other dyslexic errors. Morgan and Klein suggest that using humour in this way results in reducing anxiety by using existing strengths, however it means that the dyslexic is always guarding against making socially inexcusable errors. The interview evidence suggests that playing up was one of the strategies used to spend less time on task reading and writing. Playing up or attention seeking was used due to boredom in their inability to feel part of the class in the tasks set by teachers. They were frustrated and found things to occupy themselves. Such reaction to a teacher‘s curriculum suggests the teacher was unable to make learning attractive to such learners and if they understood their students better they would see such attention-seeking is due to frustration, rather than making trouble. The quotes suggest that playing up to be sent out of the room was common when tests or reading out aloud was next on the agenda and so such playing up can be seen as directly related to them protecting their self-esteem against tasks which would be seen as a threat, and this they found to be a means to defend against possible humiliation. The interview evidence investigates daydreaming as a child at school as a means of coping with the school day. Numerous quotes suggest that daydreaming was often used to detach themselves from the trauma of the classroom. Detachment that allows them to protect their self-esteem and allows them to visualise a better place to be. The high frequency result of children going into a bubble suggests a certain detachment from their peers and threatening environments at school. Daydreaming and use of fantasy strategy allows the individual to progress through life; however there is no dyslexia research that would support such a strategy. The closest would be Richardson and Stein (1993). Richardson (1994) and Richardson and Stein (1993) take a

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

54

Neil Alexander-Passe

different perspective to the personality profile of successful dyslexics, looking at psychological factors. Findings indicate that these individuals use unusually perceptual experiences and strong sense of intuition or belief in paranormal experiences, with 73% of their successful dyslexic sample saying yes to the following question 'Do things sometimes feel as if they were not real?, compared to 49% in controls. They also found that there were significant indications that successful dyslexics were eccentric, extroverted and used unusual perceptual experiences (hunches, gut reactions and delusions) for decision making. Dyslexics cope by any means possible and interviewing Malcolm was interesting as he suggested that he unconsciously would seek out activities and environments where he could be equal to his peers. He gives examples of being attracted to religion as it firstly was friendly and inviting to new members and secondly it did not focus on his reading and writing. He learnt that you were not required to read books but to concentrate on being part of a community and it was a practical activity. Malcolm preferred to go to religious camps than go to visit family in the South of France where he was required to learn French and Yiddish to communicate with long lost family members. The camps he felt allowed him to be normal, not a child who was lacking and away from unfair comparisons to non-dyslexic siblings. Phoebe is an interesting subject, she highlights another coping strategy of seeking out support. Dyslexics from a very early age recognise that they are different to their peers, sometimes in the first few weeks of school. Coping or surviving school is of paramount concern to dyslexics and in the case of Phoebe she first tried her parents, but as she was brought up in a one parent family and her mother worked long hours to provide a roof over their heads, her mother was unable to give the help she needed. Thus she attached herself to the homework club at school and to special need teachers. Whilst it could be seen as positive that she did receive support from the special needs teachers, it is surprising that such teachers did not investigate her difficulties further with an assessment. It seems that it appears that it could be construed that this is a major error on the part of the school and the special needs teacher should have known better. There seems to be a common theme in this study that teachers can be inactive in investigating the educational needs of students in their care.

REACTIONS BY THE SCHOOL Humiliation When I was put into the remedial class the humiliation I felt still stays with me today. I am working with disabled people now and I feel guilty about having these feelings [they way they do] but the reality is that at that time, in those days it was called that “spas” [spastic] class or the “lone” [lonely?] class. I lived in a small community, and one of the things that I [now] would really get distraught about was [is], trying to hide my education and where I actually had it, because I felt shamed of it, attending what was an approved [delinquent] school without breaking the law in anyway. (Adrian). How was secondary school? Pretty much the same. I was just more aware of what I could and couldn‟t do, we were all in the same classes, but it was very evident if you couldn‟t do things, like for my maths class. I was taken out in front of everybody, which was a hard feeling, it was like they don‟t think you can handle the pace in this class so we will move you

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

55

to a different one. I could see children pointing saying „you are thick, you are stupid, you can‟t do this‟. (Kirsty). Did they give you support? Yes. As my brother was diagnosed [dyslexic], I remember the teacher who was in charge of the „thickos‟, most probably the SENCOs now, Mrs Crawly and Mrs Frank, they were very good. They would come into my class, the third or fourth year of primary school and I remember Mrs Crawly who just so happened lived next door to my grandmother and said loudly to the whole class „is there anyone here who doesn‟t know their alphabet‟? Of course no one wanted to put their hand up. (Peter).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Morgan and Klein (2003) tells of a teacher calling in their remedial group after they got teased in the playground resulting in a fight, and told them ‗what those children did in the playground was wrong, but what you must understand is that you are not very bright and this kind of treatment is something you will have to get used to‘. Is this helpful or just the teacher condoning bullying? When a dyslexic grows up he/she is faced from an early age that they are different from their peers, and most probably from their siblings and parents. How does it make them feel? Most probably an outsider, and as research participants in ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ noted, it made them feel that they did not belong in society and especially their families. In several cases participants said that they thought they were adopted or that they were being cared for by another relative. Thus such feelings of being an outsider made many, including myself look at running away from home as an alternative. Many like me kept a packed bag under their beds, ready for when the strain got too much. Sadly this also lead to cases where dyslexic children would put ‗help‘ signs up in their bedroom windows, to get help and be saved from their daily hell. Whilst to the non-dyslexic reader this may sound dramatic, it was a common finding in my ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ study, and I have experienced it myself.

Bullying by Teachers Talking about the secondary school bullying, why do you think you were bullied by teachers? I do remember this teacher, who was a music teacher, he always used to say to me „can you read this?‟, and knowing I couldn‟t read it, would say „oh, typical‟ as he had worked in a private school, a public school „oh this is what you get working in a public [state] school…thick kids‟ and stuff like that. Obviously nowadays you wouldn‟t get away with that would you? I remember having a word with my mum as he really did upset me, and the girl who used to sit next to me used to be a bit cheeky, and I remember he threw a black board rubber at us, but it had nothing to do with me, he then turned the table upside down on my foot, because he was so mad and I remember my mum went into the headmaster and he talked about how awful I was at music. She [the teacher] said I didn‟t really need music and would be better off doing extra English or maths, then having to do music. My mother gave him a bit of a telling off for belittling me. How did it make you feel? Awful, and I felt like I had something wrong with me and he made me very nervous too. So you didn’t feel normal then? No. I don‟t think I felt like that in all classes, but I didn‟t have any confidence about [around] him at all, he knocked my confidence because of the way he was and he used to make me do things in front of the class, to show you up, or that‟s how it seemed. (Andrea).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

56

Neil Alexander-Passe

Were you ever called names by the teachers? I used to fight with teachers; I was punched in the face by one. I do not remember name-calling. It was French, I did not want to do it, I said something, and he got annoyed. He stood me on a chair, he whacked me in the face, drew blood. How did you react to that? I think I went for him. I did, and then I dropped French. The irony of the next school I went to, was that they did not teach French at that school. It was the excuse by my parents to go into the mixed school. It was like 'he cannot do French as he beat the last French teacher up'. I seem to remember it happened when I was twelve years old. (Malcolm). Were your teachers supportive of your learning difficulties? Or were you just seen as a problem child? I was just seen as a problem child. In the words of my English teacher „I was an ignoramus‟. (Natasha).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Were you ever called lazy or thick, by the teachers or your peers? The teachers, a lot of the teachers said „he can do it if he wants to, but he‟s lazy‟, every single report coming home said „lazy, lazy, lazy‟, not so much „thick‟. No I don‟t think I was ever called „thick‟ except for one teacher in secondary school, but lazy definitely. (Peter). The evidence suggests in this study that many dyslexics feel bullied by teachers in schools, much of it seems to come from teachers not understanding their dyslexia and the problems relating to it. Most dyslexics are identified late in their school careers, hence teachers tend to ignore or sweep under the carpet pupils who struggle to learn. Teaching those with a learning disability is not easy, and in most classes in mainstream education there are a wide range of abilities. Hence teachers need to differentiate between pupils, but in truth as a newly qualified teacher myself, it is really hard to manage the learning of 20-30 pupils at one time, and giving individual teaching is extremely hard, especially when so many are needing personalised feedback and assistance. I am not condoning dyslexics being misunderstood in class, but as each year the dyslexic moves up the school undiagnosed, teachers question why they were able to learn last year and not this one. A logical question as there is little crossover of reports from one year to another. The solution is early diagnosis and thus with it comes understanding in the eyes of teachers. Parents have a huge part to play in this. They need to push for early diagnosis, but importantly to allow their child to fail in homework tasks. It is commonplace for dyslexics to gain the help of parents, and in some cases for the parent to do the homework themselves. All this does is tell the teacher the dyslexic can do the homework at home but not in the classroom – thus they must be lazy. This is a logical hypothesis. So parents should give their child the required time and environment to do homework, but importantly allow incomplete or wrong homework to be submitted – this way there is no differential between home and school.

It Must be Frustrating Teaching Dyslexics Did you feel your teachers were supportive? We had a mixed bag of teachers actually, we had one….we had a mixed class, I think it was one of the first times they did a mixed year, and we had one [teacher] who was the head [master],…he didn‟t like me, or it kind of felt

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

57

that way, I think looking back now, because he didn‟t understand me, I could talk to him and I would answer him, yet when it came to my written work I exasperated him. (Emma). Do you think you were bullied by the teachers? I‟m sure I wasn‟t probably the easiest of children to teach and certainly my parents made sure that my teachers didn‟t have any easy life, because they were trying to help as much as possible and my teachers resented that a bit. But I wouldn‟t say I was ever bullied by them. It sounds like your teachers didn’t give you any allowances for your problems? No, not in primary school. (Zara). I was one of the kids that did not achieve anything because I was called „thick and stupid‟, the school said I did not try enough and was lazy etc. How would you get angry? I think I would internalise it. (Shelley). As noted above, yes it is frustrating teaching dyslexics, but much of the frustration comes from not understanding your pupils. Also if teachers are uneducated about SEN and dyslexia, they will be unable to help their pupils and can only come to the conclusion that their teaching is at fault and thus go into defensive mode. This defensive mode is harmful as anxiety builds up in both the dyslexic and the teacher as each are not living up to the expectation of the other.

Bullying from the Classroom to the Playground

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Do you find the bullying moved from the classroom to the playground? Yes, to a certain degree, it may have already been there a bit [name calling & bullying] as I was quite quiet really, but I didn‟t have a problem making friends as such, but I did have a problem if someone upset me. (Andrea) Did you ever get bullied in primary school? Yes! Who was it from, your peers or the teachers? Both. So what sort of bullying did you get from the teachers? When I was in primary school, a couple of teachers did not like me, you know didn‟t want to involve me in anything the school did. Were they nasty to you or just blanked you? They were just rude. Were you ever called names by them like lazy or other things? Well, I can‟t remember. I am just trying to work out whether your peers copied the bullying from your teachers, to bullying in the playground. Yes they did. (Jean). It will not surprise many people that the greatest form of flattery is to replicate the actions of others, be it good or bad actions, it could be taken to mean you believe in the same things. In the case of unidentified dyslexics at school, it is not surprising that pupils copy their teachers, even more so when there is a scapegoat. Dyslexics frustrate teachers, and thus in some cases frustrated teachers call pupils names. I am not condoning this but when teachers can‘t seem to teach pupils it is easy to call them lazy or not paying attention. One should never call pupils lazy or stupid, it‘s a golden rule of teachers, but even without the words being used they can convey the message. The peers of the dyslexic pick up these signals and try them out themselves in the playground. They think to themselves, if it‘s okay for the teachers, it must be okay for them. But neither is okay! In both cases it could be labelled bullying and should be stamped out.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

58

Neil Alexander-Passe

Teachers didn’t See or Understand my Difficulties Talking about when the teachers thought you were lazy, in your reports, was that something they would say a lot within the classroom? I used to be told to „try harder and listen more to what was being said‟. Obviously when it came to the school reports, it was all „could try harder, not going to get anywhere‟. I also found the same. The teachers told me that I would not amount to anything. This is a common theme in my research, that teachers wrote off dyslexic children too easily. I personally got really annoyed with that, as I was working hard. Same as you, I did try and at times, they just wrote me off. So I asked myself why I should bother. Did you feel bullied by your teachers? Probably not at the time but looking back I feel very bitter towards them, I feel very angry that they did not pick-up earlier [my difficulties], and mainly to save me an awful lot of trauma that I should not have had to experience as a child. Do you think the other children picked up that you were different? I do not think so, because I think there were other areas I was very good at, so they didn‟t automatically picked up that there was a huge deficit. (Anita).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

I don‟t have a memory of this, but my twin sister told my parents that I was made to sit in the corner as I couldn‟t do the school work and that the teacher said I was retarded. So my parents had a meeting with the school and actually had me assessed by an educational psychologist who said I was definitely not stupid and tested my sister at the same time, said that we would be intellectually equal. They never did any further investigations. How old were you then? I think about five or six years old. Fairly early then, your problems showing up? Yes. But I never had a proper dyslexia diagnosis (Norman). How were your teachers towards your difficulties? A lot better than they were at primary [school], but again they still couldn‟t understand me, I had a lot more leeway in secondary [school], apart from one English teacher, I remembering writing an essay on yellow paper with a green pen, and being really chuffed because the writing was neat and probably I did have spelling mistakes, but I was quite proud of that piece of work, thinking I would get an „A‟, at least an „A‟, and her handing it back shouting at me that if I can do it on yellow with green pen, that I could jolly well do it on white paper and in black pen for the next day or I would be failed, that‟s my only nightmare story really, of the school. I realise now it is the „Irlen syndrome‟ [coloured plastic sheets or coloured glasses lenses to improve readability & concentration] and I‟m exasperated with the teachers that they couldn‟t see that something was different with me. (Emma). You said you dreaded secondary school reports. Yes I think I thought „oh my god what have they said about me‟, because I remember the headmistress said I had a „cuckoo brain‟, what a thing to tell parents. Cuckoo brain, why do you think she said that? I do not know. Do you think your teachers saw you as lazy? It was accepted that I was labelled as lazy, so I became lazy I guess [laugh]. I think it had to do with the work, it was a very bad school. (Karen). Could you keep up copying off the board before they moved on? I could do it but very poorly, all the words would be in the wrong order and if it was something like that, I would get very poor marks, very poor. Funnily enough I came across the books recently, I haven‟t kept many as I threw most away, and I remember I was in the third year of primary, we had to write an essay, I didn‟t know what it was, it was a story I guess, so why didn‟t they just call them stories? Write a story and we were given six titles to write under, I choose „life on an oil

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

59

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

rig‟, the subject turned me on and I wrote pages and pages, looking back now it is only two and a half sides, it was not long and it was disjointed but my mind was racing, I remember the story line, but my problem was I couldn‟t get what was in my head down onto paper. There was one sentence but I forget where I was going with it and you realised that I missed words out here and then. My brain worked faster than my ability to write. If I could I have taped it, it would have been brilliant. I would have written a book on life on an oilrig, I got bad marks for it anyway. What red pen marks? Yes. They said messy, not well-structured, needs to put more thought into it and useful comments like that. (Peter). The evidence suggests again that many teachers do not understand dyslexia‘s collection of abilities and disabilities; they could not get it that a pupil would find certain subjects hard and other easy. But thinking about it, all people have strengths and weaknesses, and so we are all different. But in primary school you are expected to be good at all subjects, and not till you have reached Years 9/10 in secondary/high school are you allowed to select the subjects you are good at to continue with and drop those you are not so good at. Evidence from Karen and Norman suggests that teachers cope with dyslexics in their class by side-lining them, in that they push them out of the way as they feel unable to teach them, they see them as unintelligent and uneducable. What seems clear is the lack of SEN knowledge/understanding amongst teachers, and as one who has just completed a teacher training course; I can agree that little SEN teaching is given if any. There needs to be great SEN and dyslexic teaching (the biggest SEN group in the UK) for trainee teachers and those in service as teachers. Morgan and Klein (2003) also suggest from their professional experience in schools that was often the case in UK schools that Asian and black individuals were not identified as dyslexic in Britain, as teachers had low expectations for non-white children. Whilst this has now improved, it is now the case of pupils with EAL (English as an Additional Language, as it is called in the UK) whoes language difficulties are covering up their learning difficulties. It is hard for teachers to see through language barriers to identify learning difficulties.

The Right Classroom Support I was very lucky to have a really good remedial maths teacher, Mr. Anon, he was really amazing. Like I said, I was put in a class with children with behavioural problems, if there was a kickoff in his class they would not try, as he could give as well as he got. He really was good at making you have faith in yourself, in my case, he was one of the only teachers that tried different ways to teach me, he would try one thing and if it did not work, he would go home and think of a new strategy to try. He would very much try to focus you. I took every opportunity to put up my hand and try and relay the information, even if I got really bad grades on a paper, they could say „she puts her hands up, she is communicating how she feels, she can relay the information back to us‟ but there was my discrepancy, they would note that „I could say it in class verbally but not in writing…we don‟t understand why‟. (Kirsty). Did you feel normal growing up? To your friends and peers? Yes, yes I did. I did feel normal but my friends and peers knew I missed maths lessons to go and have [extra] English. I get the impression that dyslexia was explained to my immediate tutor group. if there was

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

60

Neil Alexander-Passe

any kind of comment it was usually stamped on, then the weird thing was, I noticed other children in my peer group who also had problems with reading and writing, problems learning. Because no one knew the reasons why, it was put down as them being lazy or not paying attention and basically not knuckling down. I felt due to the sort of school I went to, and the fuss my parents made, my teachers had an understanding and a reason to treat me in a particular way. But they lacked the capacity to try and diagnose similar problems in other children, even when it was explained to them about how my problems manifested. They just couldn‟t recognise the same symptoms in other children, and even as a child I recognised that. (Milly).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

I was diagnosed at the age of 11yrs old, that was quite early [in the history of dyslexia]. That was very early [as you are 58yrs old], were you diagnosed in London? It was done as the result of my headmistress, I was at a private school, she became my headmistress about a year beforehand, I was a troublesome pupil when I was at school, and I was about to be expelled, she was curious about me and got to know me, she felt that obviously there was some problem around reading and writing. But at the time, one of the world experts, I can‟t recall the name, came to talk to the headmaster and headmistress about dyslexia. Was it someone called Tim Miles (Professor Emeritus at Bangor University]? Yes, I think it could be him. One of the UK biggy names in dyslexia. He was one of the first people to really research and write about it, from what he did it appears to me, people like my headmistress started to sit up and take notice, she took examples of my written work with my parents permission and he identified me from talking to my headmistress and looking at my work. He then made suggestions to my headmistress to what kind of things would help me and because of course at that time, not a lot was known and so I dropped a year in my school and was put down a year which was relatively unusual to do, but being a private school it was probably easier to do than in the state system. That happened as I was just into senior school. (Trixie). The evidence suggests that there are good teachers around who may or may not know about dyslexia. Any teacher can be good for dyslexics if they take a pupil-centred approach to understand them better, and why they are having difficulty learning. In some cases it takes the parent to educate the school and teachers about dyslexia, in Milly‘s case the parents pushed the school so much that their dyslexic child got the support needed, but interestingly the teachers could not transfer the knowledge gained to other struggling learners in the same class. Is this laziness on the part of the teachers, or just shows that their understanding was not great enough to make logical connections. In many cases teachers rely on SENCOs (Special Educational Coordinators) in UKschools to co-ordinate all support for dyslexic pupils and take an off-hand attitude to it all. Morgan and Klein (2003) argue that teachers need to understand that dyslexia have problems generalizing and apply generalizations, but prefer to learn from experience and make connections through meaning; this has significant implications for how they learn, but without such knowledge teachers will have difficulty teaching pupils in their care.

The Wrong Classroom Support Were you ever given any in-class support? I remember having a mothers helper helping me, trying to teach me to read, her getting really annoyed with no matter how many times she

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

61

would say the beginning of the word, I still had no idea what she was saying or what the word was. I used to make up the word from the stories in the picture, which obviously was different to the actual story. (Emma). Do you recall getting help for your difficulties? Yes, but I was taken out of the class for it. I do not think it really helped to be honest. I really got annoyed as I was labelled a „special‟ kid. I was sent to this school as they said it would help, but it did not. So you were taken out of your main classes to get extra help But it did not really help, as you fell back on the curriculum in the classes you missed. Do you think the teachers were positive towards your difficulties? I was made to feel different, I was not so much a problem in the school but they struggled with me. You get two kinds of teachers really, ones that decide they want to help and those who cannot be bothered. (Izzy).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Have you ever felt bitter towards your old teachers, for not helping you at school? No, not at all. In fact, I have always said about my teachers, it is about them being reluctant. You get the ones who do not like you and they tell that you are „not trying‟ and are not going help you, there are those who let you get on with what ever you want, they do not dislike you or like you. Then you get the other kind that try and help you, they believe they will save you and they are the worst kind as I said before. I would rather for the whole of my school life to have been left alone, left to do the lessons, if I was struggling I would have rather waited for help, then I will ask for help. My mother was very good, she helped me more than anyone else, I think she taught me to read and write. There were so many „so-called‟ helpers, but as I said its not help, taking a child out of their classroom, in front of your so-called friends for special lessons is the worst thing you could possibly do. I think that that is more destructive than anything else, humiliating a child is destructive and I got that a lot, I am more angry about that than anything else. (Izzy). To be truthful the difference between the correct and incorrect support for dyslexics in mainstream education can come down to the type of teacher who is teaching you. Whilst the best support may be perceived by many to be in special schools, this is not financially possible in the majority of cases. In mainstream education, the hard face of educating the next generation, it is common place to put the best teachers with the brightest pupils, and the worst or less strong teachers with those with SEN needs. However one could argue the opposite is required. Those with SEN need the more experienced teachers as they have the experience and passion to bring learning to life. Does this mean the gifted and talented should get the inexperienced teachers? Good question, and it might be that they can survive without the best teachers, whereas the SEN ones won‘t survive. All teachers should be good and incompetent ones should not be teaching, but in the UK only 18 over the last forty years, out of the estimated 17,000 incompetent teachers (less than 5%) out of 500,000 registered teachers in the UK have been sacked for incompetence (BBC, 2010). Does it mean that no other teachers were incompetent? No. the unions are too strong. So poor or weak teachers are given good references to move from one school to the next. The teaching profession has a history of covering up errors, so incompetent teachers are there and your children will experience them at some point in their school career. So what makes a teacher unsuitable for a dyslexic? Well a teacher who is unable to see pupils struggling in their class and when questioned about their progress, will blame the pupil over their own teaching – as most other pupils are learning in their classroom; a teacher who

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

62

Neil Alexander-Passe

will allow pupils to avoid learning and challenge; one that will only teach those who he/she perceives wants to learn; and lastly, a teacher who will not refer a pupil to specialist services for identification and help, as he/she does not believe dyslexia exists. This list is incomplete, as each dyslexic is different and thus they will need different help and support. Another aspect of the wrong support is exemplified by Mark, a research subject in Morgan and Klein (2003) noting his inability to perform at the expected academic standard resulted in him being placed in the bottom streams at school, where he never felt he ‗belonged‘.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Alternative Teaching Methods How was secondary school? What happened at secondary schoo….there were two issues, there was a pain of a kid that teachers didn‟t want in their class as he just messed about and didn‟t achieve a lot, me and there was a boy who was very competent [in electronics], me again. You were talking about thirty years ago. Technology was computer cards and things like that Well in my school it was projectors, VHS videos, TVs, lighting, school plays, so the most competent person to use this equipment was me, and the person you least wanted to be in the class was also me. So what they did is I had a title of „Audio Visual Official‟ and I used to show the films, videos, do the lighting and sound for the plays. I was also made a prefect. You were a prefect? Yes. But that is all I did. The thought of now letting a fourteen year old kid wire the stage, we were up ladders, that‟s all we did. Which worked as they got their films shown as the teachers couldn‟t thread a sixteen millimetre projector, but I could with my eyes closed, I had to carry it about, I used to go out of school to the teacher centre to pick it up. I mean there is probably a person in schools these days who are paid for it. I had a timetable for that job. Really? Oh yeh. You can talk to a girlfriend of mine, she went to public school, and she talks about that [fact] to this day. The freedom I had in that school, I used to go into the staff room, and I was on first name terms with the teachers. If their cars did not start, they would push me, to get them started; as I could just start a car…they could not. It is mad, it is quite unbelievable. They were doing that, rather than putting you in a classroom to learn? I had some classes but that is probably all that I had. Did you drop loads of classes, like geography? Nothing was officially dropped, well French was. The rest were…if I needed to show a film I could turn up to a lesson late. That is alien to normal school rules. But that is where….I was not bullied, I was not depressed. Because probably when you ask me „are you happy with your life‟ and I explained what I did with my business, if you listen back I did exactly the same with my schooling. (Malcolm). The above by Malcolm is interesting, as it shows how schools can harness the energy of a disaffected dyslexic pupil, into something useful for the school and help him develop a career from his abilities. Some have argued that dyslexics develop compensatory abilities (visualspatial/creativity etc) to make up for their inabilities in reading and writing. However others argue that visual-spatial/creativity abilities are inert in dyslexics. Earlier research by the author has investigated such an argument, and as creativity is so subjective it is hard to make any valid decision (see ‗Dyslexia and Creativity‘). But what seems clear from talking to Malcolm, is the school was willing to be pupilcentred and build a timetable around him, however later on in his interview he noted that he

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

63

was allowed to miss key lessons to set up projectors etc. Therefore it could be argued that the school allowed Malcolm to leave school without the basic building blocks of education.

Parents Believing their Child’s Teacher, not their Child Do you think your childhood was hard because of your problems at school? Yes. Did that cause friction with your mother? Um, I would say yes, in that I was never good enough doing anything and was thought to be stupid. So it sounds like she believed the teachers rather than believing you. Yes! How did that make you feel? It knocked my confidence. So that must have felt really odd, your mother not believing in you? Yes. (Jean).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How were your primary school years? Were they fun? I cannot remember if they were fun. All I remember is we were given the choice in our first class to do English, maths or art and I choose the art, and they decided I was lazy and that I had to do the others anyway. Did your mother believe the teachers more than you, that there was a problem? They just thought I was lazy; often kids were described as lazy rather than dyslexic. I just accepted the title of „lazy‟. (Karen). I was 23yrs old when I was diagnosed dyslexic, so I went through school with undiagnosed learning problems. I‟m an only child, so I have no siblings. As my dyslexia wasn‟t recognised [even by my parents] they just thought I wasn‟t very bright. With my school reports, my parents would always ask why I couldn‟t have done better, so no matter how hard I tried, it wasn‟t enough [for them], so it made me not want to try any more. I was first depressed when I was 6-7yrs old. I always dreaded end of term school reports and my parents going to school for parent evening. My parents were not sympathetic to my problems, they just thought I was stupid or I wasn‟t trying or working hard enough. I knew of no one else with my problems, I felt definitely isolated at school. For my GCSEs I was put in the bottom class, at the time it didn‟t seem fair, that‟s [confirming] what people said about me was right - that I was stupid. Now I look back, if my condition had been recognised it would have been different. I was called lazy quite a lot by my mum, the teachers just thought I wasn‟t applying myself and being lazy and all the classic things that teachers tell children who they think were lazy. (Norma). My mother blamed me more than my teachers did. Really, so there was friction there? Oh, yes! (Trixie). This topic comes down to teachers being perceived as ‗the expert‘ by parents, and there is suggestion here that they know best, as they have successfully taught many children. Teachers see many pupils/students pass through their classrooms and thus they are in a better situation to make judgements. Whether students survive or flourish is another argument, but they have a more global experience of children. Parents mostly see their children in isolation, or with comparisons to their siblings, cousins or friends. Thus their comparison sample may be biased or incorrect, as every child and teacher is different. As a newly qualified teacher I can say that it is difficult for teachers to really know their pupils, and generalisations are easy to make – many of them are incorrect or based on sparse information. Primary school teachers have a better chance to get to know their pupils, but even so dealing with a 30+ class and getting to know them well is extremely hard. Secondary school teachers see pupils in the

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

64

Neil Alexander-Passe

isolation of their subject (e.g. science or art) and may not have the ability to join the dots together. So what am I saying? Basically, that ‗teachers don‘t know best‘, and parents should stay committed to get the help needed for their struggling child. Parents do not go onto training courses, however those choosing to adopt do – does it mean non-adopted parents know it all? As a parent to four children, I would say no. So parents rely on so called experts, doctors, mid-wives, lawyers, accountants etc, and yes teachers. Not until something huge goes wrong do you question your misplaced trust. In the case of children and teachers, mostly they change teachers each year and the ability to cover-up on a large scale exists. How else can you explain so many children passing through primary and secondary schools without diagnosis – if there is no consistent teacher to track progress and identify marked patterns of difficulties. Mark, a volunteer in Morgan and Klein (2003) recalls that at school he was introduced to the term ‗factory fodder‘ and thought he was ‗destined to just work in a factory for the rest of his life, and that was what he being prepared for‘. His mother was ‗intimidated‘ by teachers and psychologist who made her feel inferior in the face of professional opinion, thus didn‘t feel empowered to question what his teacher was doing.

School Reports

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How was it with your school reports, did you dread them? Oh yes, they would say „could try harder, not working hard, not applying myself‟, and of course when I did like sciences and the maths, and the way I would portray myself verbally was different to when I actually put pen to paper. So of course, they thought I was not trying in class, you know and it was the same thing every time. Then I was asked why [by my parents], I was then told off for not working in class. (Anita). Did you dread bringing back your school reports? [Pause] absolutely, one hundred percent. I used to hide them sometimes but they used to know when. They had a lot to do with the school with the PTA (parent and teacher association) and so knew when the reports were coming. Apart from the last few years of school they knew that all the reports would come together (David‟s Adam‟s and mine). I don‟t know how it is with your kids, but they come with us to the parents evening and then when I went with my parents I used to come home and go straight up to my bedroom and hide under the bed [in fear]. I remember sitting by the side of my parents and hearing the teachers say these things and thinking ‘oh shit’. I know. I do not remember going to a parents evening, but remember going with my parents to see a teacher, because of a problem that had arisen and I just used to turn off and glaze over and they used to say „so what do you think about this Peter and I would mumble and say „what‟. (Peter). School reports send shivers down children‘s spines; I know they did for me! No one is quite sure what they will say. To a dyslexic who is struggling at school they dread such reports back which are mostly negative and fully of comments like ‗Sam must try harder….must put in more effort required…be more consistent etc‘. Looking back to mine I can see a pattern of difficulties that screams learning difficulties, but to others it screams under-performance and suggests laziness. A classic for me was ‗is very good at art but I can‘t understand why his handwriting is so messy‘, what they are saying is that you can show

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

65

attention for detail in one subject but not in another, but these patterns of difficulties are common in dyslexics. The above interview evidence supports such a view, and suggest that parents tell their children off for bad reports, as of course they place the care of their child with the school and the school ‗should‘ know their child better then them (educationally). So if the report says your child is lazy, you must be. I know some parents who see reports as a reflection on their child‘s teaching, not on their child. They ask, why hasn‘t my child achieved and what have you not provided for him to achieve? In the same light, some schools do not give out homework, as homework in many ways is an indication of how much help they get at home, not the child‘s ability. Many UK GCSEs subject have dropped coursework as a part of their courses, as parents were doing it, adding evidence to such a view. So should parents take school reports seriously? Yes but with a pinch of salt, as much has to do with the child‘s relationship with the teacher. If they get on well with the teacher the report will be more positive, if they have an attitude or personality clash it will be more negative. Bear this in mind, and parents should question teacher comments, and importantly look for patterns of under-achievement, and then act on them to get the support needed.

EMOTIONAL REACTIONS AS CHILDREN

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Feeling an Outsider to your Family, Sibling Comparison, and Thinking you were Adopted I have one sister, older than me. I was compared to her a lot, because she did quite well at school, without any problems, and socially she gets on with people and is a successful business woman, has a really nice house and posh cars and all that kind of thing…so I‟m constantly compared [even now] to her, that she is successful and I‟m not, because I don‟t have a big fancy job and loads of money, but that‟s my mum and dad‟s morals [materialistic]. My parents like to idealise and brag about their children and what their children did but I‟m not like that and they couldn‟t brag about anything [about me] and it was always „poor‟ Maureen, she‟s not quite right, not normal and it made it into a bigger issue than it was. Maybe that‟s why it became a big issue to me. (Maureen). You were talking about being compared to your sister, was that more in the school, school reports or generally. I am the black sheep, „I never do anything right‟. I think it‟s because I did not or do not now like to cause any sort of hassle or anything. There was never any issue with her that „she could work harder‟, and I had turned into a „petulant girl‟ growing up. With my sister she did okay, did her A‟levels and pottered on, it was all right for her. But for me I was struggling all the time, they said „I could do better or why can‟t I do this‟, you know I remember them saying „I just told you that, why can‟t you do it, I just showed you how to do that‟, I said back „I can‟t, I don‟t know‟. Did you feel you fitted into your family? No. (Rachel). Thinking back to your childhood, was it a happy time with your family? No, no it wasn‟t. I didn‟t have…well I always felt like a bit of an outside because I was different. (Jean).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

66

Neil Alexander-Passe

Growing up did you ever feel that you were adopted? Yes, well. I had an aunty, my dad‟s younger sister and she was brilliant, we always got on but she died when I was young. And I always thought, as she never got married or had kids, we look similar and I always used to think I was hers but my mum and dad had to look after me. I sifted through my parents love letters to find proof, evidence that I was my aunt‟s really. (Rachel).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

I was convinced growing up that I was adopted and I thought that real parents wouldn‟t be as cruel as mine were to me. (Shelley). This is an interesting topic, as a child‘s self-image is important to their feelings of selfworth. How do children change from feeling worthy and part of the family, to feeling a worthless outsider? Having a parent who has experienced similar learning difficulties is helpful, as it will mean they can relate to their struggling child, and act as a mentor. A nondyslexic parent or parents will have no concept of struggling at school, and if there are nondyslexic siblings there are even greater difficulties. The interview evidence suggests a feeling of us and them, and not fitting in - what this means is they feel misunderstood and compared to a non-dyslexic sibling they feel abnormal. Thinking you are adopted is an extreme feeling of being misunderstood by their families, who should really know and love them. This demonstrates how serious being misunderstood is, and parents should aim to make even under-performing children feel at home and loved, and only make sensible comparisons. Avoid ‗your brother can do this, why can‘t you?‘ This is unhelpful and will make a struggling child feel worthless, when they have tried hard to do well and achieve. Mark, diagnosed at 22, a research subject in Morgan and Klein (2003) was diagnosed as having low self-esteem from failure to identify and address his dyslexia as a child. As a child he read a comic book about the 2nd world war, and thought ‗if the Germans invaded England, they won‘t waste a bullet on me‘. Jackie, another subject in the same study, diagnosed at 29, provided an explanation for her frustration and anger. As an adult looking back she was bitter at the lack of support from family, school, and peers. She was very aggressive at school, and used to throw chairs at people from anger. As her peers knew she would do this if provoked, so they provoked her a lot, they called me thick, stupid, hit me etc, she also remarked that she was bullied ‗big time‘ by her peers (all the time) and bullied by her teachers. My teachers used to tell me I was mental and that men in white coats would take me away. My mum would always take the side of the teachers, which didn‘t help the situation.

Faking Illness to Avoid Tests How about faking being ill to avoid school? Oh yes, I can remember doing that. A lot? Not really, I was asthmatic as a kid. So it was quite easy to be unwell, realistically, and I can remember doing that, making out I was ill. Do you think your parents realised? No, I got away with that one. I learnt that I had to be ill the day before. If I woke up ill the same day I would be forced to go to school. If I made out I was ill by five o‟clock the day before it usually worked. (Anita). How were you with tests? I hated tests, I got so stressed about tests, I hated them. Again I would just latch on to people, other people who were upset and try and talk them through it, rather than dealing with it myself. Did you ever fake being ill to avoid tests? I thought

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

67

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

everyone made themselves sick to avoid school [laugh]. Yeh, I used to all the time. Do you think your parents realised? I think they did in the end. Were they fine with that? No, my parents believed you went to school, whether you are ill or not, but also I would be able to take the odd day off, but I would have to say in bed and pretend I was sick, it was one of those unwritten things. We were having this conversation with my son the other day, I asked if he had ever skived off school, now that he had left that he could tell me, and he said no. But I always said to him, to tell me if he couldn‟t face going into school, as I can recall how stressful it was, so it must have been stressful if as a child I could recognise it. I wanted him [to be able] to say „mum, I don‟t want to go to school today‟. (Emma). Growing up do you ever recall ever truanting or running away from home? I ran away from home, but I never truanted. It is really weird but I came from the family values of „you have to go to school‟, no matter what. I‟m sure I would have saved myself a lot of pain if I hadn‟t, but I kind of felt I had to do this and me being stubborn I did. Do you think you ever faked being ill to avoid tests? Constantly I did that. Do you think your parents knew? Yes, because my mum and dad knew there was stuff going on in the school that I was not telling them about. Were they happy or okay for you to do that? No. Did they allow you to? Sometimes. If I had worked myself up in a state, physically, then they were more than willing for me to be off school. Many dyslexics I talked to in this study, felt they did not fit into their family and felt like they were adopted. Oh yes, I feel like that all the time. Because everybody else in your family fits together in a puzzle and you do not. Especially the first time I came back from university, I found it difficult and went back the same day and said I wouldn‟t do it again, it was so weird being back with people you hadn‟t been with and felt crowded with. I had spent most of my time (at home) growing up in my room; I did feel „other‟ in my family. I knew from a psychological place that they loved you and that was important then being part of it, as sometimes you feel quite apart from the family, as they seem fine without you. When you were stuck in your room, they carried on perfectly well without you. Then you turn up and it is weird and you don‟t know where you fit in. (Kirsty). To a non-dyslexic, the idea of being so nervous about school and school tests you would fake being ill is alien to them. But to a dyslexic it is a defensive mechanism to avoid further embarrassment. Yes further, as they are used to the daily sort that comes from being unable to keep up with their peers copying from the board, or getting very low marks from homework. Tests are hard for dyslexics for some of the following reasons:    

they rely heavily on reading fast and computing complex calculations for answers (all subjects, just mathematical calculations but coming up with answers) they require neat handwriting they require sequential answers to questions (the correct order to writing an essay etc) they are marked and your marks are compared to others (your non-dyslexic peers)

The idea of avoiding such embarrassment is a pure defensive mechanism to avoid public humiliation. The interview evidence suggests that many dyslexics get very good at acting illness to avoid school tests. Savvy parents will click to the dates their child develops illness, other parents are oblivious to their child‘s examination timetable. Parents who are also dyslexic may act in a very different way, they may condone their child‘s illness and just tell them to stay in bed all day in case hey are found out. When the dyslexic parent is the mother,

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

68

Neil Alexander-Passe

and the father is not dyslexic one could see the need to keep up such a scenario, so one doesn‘t works out what is going on.

Truancy and Running away from Home Growing up, did you ever truant or run away from home? No, I never ran away from home, but I did think about it. Why did you think about it? Because I was about 13-14yrs old, my life was not brilliant, my mum was getting at me and I was struggling at school, I think I was oppositional, and I thought „they don‟t care about me‟.(Andrea). Did you ever truant/run away from home? I think I ran away when I was 16yrs old, I have had enough. They [my parents] used to bully me a bit,be cause I couldn‟t do anything right…and I also thought I couldn‟t do anything right…to their expectations. So I ran away to find my own life…I always ended going back, because it did not work out but that just reenforced to them that I needed their help and their support all the time in a very controlling sort of way. (Maureen).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Did you run away from home? Oh, yes [laugh] How old were you when that first started? Well…I was young; I used to pack a little red vanity case. The same thing with me. I had a packed bag under my bed, for when things were too much and I remember my mum making fun of it, as she could not quite get it. Yes I used to go and get my teddy and sit on the third step up, when I was really sad when little. And then it progressed to the vanity case and I did go once to the corner of the street. As it scared me, as I did not know what do to then. It really is similar to attempting suicide; it’s the feelings of not being wanted? Yes. I used to write help signs and stick them on the window, for people to come and rescue me. (Rachel). Growing up were there any occasions of running away, truanting from school? I used to truant from school, yes, on several occasions in secondary school, from being 11yrs old to 16yrs. I [also] ran away from home on two occasions in between those years, I did that because everything was getting on top of me with school and the bullying, struggling [with school work], I was trying to escape. (Samuel). Growing up do you ever remember truanting or running away from home? I never truanted from school but I would run away from home, there really wasn‟t anywhere to run to in our village, but I would often pack my little bag with five sets of knickers, socks and take my dog with me. It sounded like you did not feel you fitted there. Feeling adopted, that has certain feelings with me, I just felt I was not part of the family, I did not fit in. I suppose when we had our bag packed we felt safer. I used to always take the dog with me; the dog and I were very close. If someone who knew me spotted me, I knew I had to go home straight away. There was no logic to it except I felt I was packing my bags; I was getting out of here. (Shelley). Did you ever try to run away from home? Yes. How old were you then? 8yrs old. How far did you get? Not very far, it was pathetic really [laugh] I got round the block, stayed away for about 45 minutes, and then decided to return home. I also did that, I also always kept a packed bag under my bed. My parents always made fun of it. Yes, I had a little case, I used

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

69

to have a few clean knickers in there, I used to change the things I put it in, but basically it was there so I could go and had the things I wanted. Did you feel you didn’t fit into your family? Yes, particularly with my mother. (Trixie). You were talking about running away from home. Was it often? I planned to do it more than I did. I only went down the street. I remember having a packed bag under my bed, just in case I couldn’t cope and needed to leave fast, how about you? I also did that, but I was aware that I had nowhere to go. I was aware that it was a dangerous world out there. Where I was running to might have been just as dangerous as where I was running from, and at least if I was at home I was under my mum and dad‟s protection. I knew they loved me, so it was quite fleeting ideas about running away from home. (Kirsty). Growing up, did you ever truant or run away from home? On a few occasions, I did truant. I run away from home constantly, sometimes I would stay at friend‟s house. When I was 18yrs old, I stayed away from my parent‟s house for a few months. (Jordan).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Growing up did you ever truant from school Yes, I recall walking out once, as I was sent to the headmaster, and carried on walking. Do you think you caused the school any damage, primary school? No. I set off the school bell once, a sort of multi-use fire bell. I once peed in the class, as they would not let me go to the toilet. That was the only thing I did. How about running away from home? Yes, but they were not bothered, I went to my grandparents. I used to argue with my dad particularly. (Malcolm). I left school at 15yrs old; there was no way I could continue at school anyway, so I got pregnant. Did you get pregnant on purpose to avoid school? I know I did. I knew that the educational system would not allow a female pregnant girl into school in a building with concrete stairs, even back then I wasn‟t daft. I couldn‟t survive school and the only way of getting out was to make sure I stayed out and they couldn‟t be forced to go back. Did you have the same issues at primary school? Did you truant? No, the point was, I didn‟t start truanting till I started getting bullied by my secondary school teachers, because of what my sisters had done [their academic achievement]. (Natasha). This topic resonates strongly with those interviewed, in that they sought a way out of their daily hell as a dyslexic or a non-learner in a ‗normal‘ world where everyone enjoys school…or so they think. Like faking sickness, truancy is a means to also avoid but more than just tests, but everyday assessment. What pushes an individual so far that they are unable to deal with something in a conventional way? Dyslexia is not something that crops up every now and then, it is a life-long condition. I hate the word condition but it describes something that doesn‘t go away and that effects everything you do. My first thoughts were to describe it, as a ‗life-style choice‘ but in truth its not even a choice, its your ‗lifestyle‘ or a rather ‗negative lifestyle‘. This is what triggers some to try and find an easier place to be, From the above interview evidence, Natasha chose to get pregnant to get out of school, this is quite clever in one way but stupid in another. Clever in that she saw a way out, stupid in that it made her a teen mother and limiting her options post school. The idea of having a packed bag under your bed or in your room again demonstrates that suffering with dyslexia and the daily humiliation and unfavourable comparison is too much for many. They plan to be safe in the outside world by packing pants/knickers (the author is British so pants means briefs, not trousers) and this suitcase is there for when things get too

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

70

Neil Alexander-Passe

much. In truth they do not see beyond leaving (the need for money and a place to live and for food), all they see is leaving their supposedly safe haven of the home. I use the word ‗supposedly‘ because it should be this, but when parents are non-dyslexic and sibling are also non-dyslexic, home becomes a place of constant criticism and unfair comparison based on school ability.

Bullying by Peers

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Did your peers bully you? Yes that did happen, because basically I could not process what they were saying to me, so they were always able to win the argument as they could process things faster, I felt I was always one-step behind them. Things would start out friendly but become stressful when they realised I couldn‟t keep up with them. They would bully me with words, to make me feel stupid, making out that they were okay and that I was a bit weird. (George). Do you feel the teachers there bullied you? I was not bullied, but you were made to feel that because you could not do the work, that you were inferior. Do you think you were ever bullied by the other children? And why? Yes. I think it was because I did not like the same things as them, I would stay away from the crowd and people pick-up on that. If you are not interested in the local groups, like the music groups…you are ostracised. I also got confused a lot of the time, I was at school for five years but I had to look at my diary/map to where my classes were, even if I went to the same class every day for a year, if you didn‟t tell me where it was or I didn‟t look at my diary I would have been really lost. They picked-up on why you were in the ‘remedial’ class. No, you were just called dumb, you were painted with this name, that you were stupid and that you couldn‟t do that sort of thing. The thing is, when girls bully, they are more likely to be more snide about it, what sort of clothes you wear, rather than you must be stupid. Whereas boys will go „ha ha ha, you can‟t do that or you got that wrong‟. Girls can be snide, saying „what grade did you get‟, you tell them and they go „oh, well I got an A plus‟, that sort of thing, I got loads of that. (Kirsty). You said earlier that you did feel bullied at school? Yes, I was bullied at school by my school peers and my dyslexia was one of things they would bully me about, I think I was bullied because I was a very introverted child who found it hard to relate to other children and I feel that my dyslexia made me introverted, it was one of the differences to them, so yes there was rejection there [from my dyslexia]. Were you bullied and rejected both at your primary and secondary school? It was mainly in my primary school, I think, I did receive some bullying at secondary school but I had more friends at secondary school. I think that, yes it was mainly primary school [where I was bullied]. (Milly). Children can be very cruel and can easy pick up the vibes from those around them of who is like them and who is not. Those who are like them are likely to become friends; those who are not like them become enemies or individuals to stay clear of in the playground or socially. Dyslexia like other differences affect individuals in the formal (in classroom) and informal (in the playground/outside of school) curriculum, this means the inclusion of difference is set by teachers in the classroom. Where the teacher is unable or unwilling to be supportive of difference in the classroom, where they highlight inability over ability in students, other

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

71

pupils see this. Thus bullying moves from the classroom into the playground. Bullies pick on those weaker then them, the weaker the better or the easier the target. Teachers need to be aware of how their actions, even slight verbal or non-verbal communications can be picked up by those around them. And you thought teaching was an easy profession to be in! Teachers have an important role in developing the inclusive policy of the school, and to teach their pupils that difference is not only healthy but good – as we all have differences and we are not all good at the same things.

Regression as a Child Growing up do you recall sucking your thumb or fingers to a late age? I did suck my thumb for comfort…I still do. (Kirsty). Do you recall wetting your bed until a late age? I wet myself up to secondary school. Do you think that was related to feeling nervous about school? Yes. I used to wet myself at school as well. So it was the panic then? Yes. (Kirsty). Do you remember sucking your thumb to a late age? Yes, until I was thirteen years old. The only reason I stopped was I got a brace for my teeth and I could not have both in my mouth at the same time. (Malcolm).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Growing up when you were having these feelings, do you recall sucking your thumb or fingers? Yes my little finger. Do you remember to what age that was? [Pause] To teenage years? Yes, I think so. (Rachel). Did you ever suck your thumb? [Big laugh] yes, till about 12 years or older. Definitely a long-term sucker. Could it be comfort thing? Oh yes definitely. Did it allow you to go into your ‘comfort and protected’ shell? Yes. Did it feel safer there? I suppose it did as I did it for so long. Wetting your bed? Yes, till a late age, I do remember that. All of these show early forms of anxiety about the world; do you think that is true? Yes. You were saying you first felt depressed at 6yrs old? Yes, I never realised that those were signs of anxiety. Yes, they are regressive forms, a return to the womb. Yes I knew sucking my thumb was, as also my curling up into a ball as in the foetal position, I can‟t do that now because of my drinking has given me a beer belly, sometimes I like to curl up into bed. (Ronnie). Did you ever wet your bed? I did that until I was 8 or 9 years old. Fairly late. Yes. Did it get worse around test time? Yes. (Trixie). Vaillant (1992) suggests that immature defence strategies are used from birth to approx 9-11yrs old. As Riddick (1996, p. 103) notes the comments from a mother of a dyslexic child ‗She was like a different child once she started school. There were tears and tantrums, she used to beg me to not send her, and it was hell really. I didn‘t know what to do for the best‘. Riddick also comments from her research that tantrums are common features of general early childhood and cannot necessarily relate to a symptom of dyslexia, however they are a sign of frustration. Scott (2004, p. 258) notes that she has found ‗sucking of fingers and clothing, curling into balls under desks, bed-wetting and soiling, rocking, holding of genitals and the constant company of furry toys. When these infantile behaviours appear in an older child, they represent a signal that he is no longer coping‘ and are symptoms of real distress.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

72

Neil Alexander-Passe

The interview evidence confirms that thumb sucking was due to insecurity and a need for comfort and was used at times until participants‘ teenage years. They felt safer sucking their thumb and this safety as noted earlier is due to its relationship to the womb. Wetting the bed is sometimes found in the same participants (as those thumb sucking) and this can happen both as a reaction to past stress but also to the child thinking about a stressful test coming up. Evidence from Kirsty also notes that the panic of test taking can mean that dyslexics can wet themselves at school as well; such evidence suggests a sudden helplessness and this caused a loss of bodily control. Nocturnal enuresis is a condition in which a person who has bladder control while awake urinates whilst asleep. The condition is commonly called bed-wetting and it often has a psychological impact on children and their families. Children with the condition often have low self-esteem and weak interpersonal relationships, poor quality of life, and poor performance at school (Von Gontard, 2004; Van Hoecke, Hoebeke, Braet and Walle, 2004). Von Gontard (1998) linked enuresis with delayed speech, motor and speech milestones (each correlate to dyslexia). Miles (1994, p. 144) noted a case of an 8 yr old dyslexic child who was ‗still bed-wetting and full of nervous twitches‘. Scott (2004, p. 171) postulates that ‗30% of dyslexic children suffer from enuresis, some of it very severe including total soaking of the bed, every night, for months on end‘. If parents are aware that a bed-wetter has no medical problems but is having difficulty with: paying attention in school; concentrating on academic material; impulsive behaviour; fidgetiness; intermittent explosive tantrums; or conduct disorder, then dyslexia may be the underlying problem. Therapeutic Resources (2004) notes that in a study of 1822 children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, (a condition with co-morbidity/links to dyslexia, see Fawcett and Peer, 2004; Gilger, Pennington and DeFries, 1992; Ramus, Pidgeon and Frith, 2003), 48% were bed-wetters. Watkins (2004) believes ‗…sometimes enuresis (bed-wetting) may be due to anxiety, a change in the home situation (such as the birth of a sibling) or an emotional trauma. We particularly look for emotional factors in children who were previously dry and start to wet again. A child with shaky bladder control may be more likely to revert to wetting when under stress‘. Scott (2004, p. 171) suggests that bed-wetting (enuresis) in dyslexic children is common (approx 30% of all dyslexic children) and usually starts when they start to have problems at school and can go on for months at a time. Miles (1993) notes two cases along with Thomson (1995) and Von Gothard (1998) suggests an association between delayed motor and speech milestones, which can be found in dyslexics. There is double stress from the bedwetting, firstly from the act itself and secondly from the reactions of others, including peer and sibling teasing. Rutter (1983) and Rutter, Tizard and Whitmore (1970) suggest a third of such children also have emotional or behavioural problems and a higher rate of psychiatric disorders (as per Von Gontard). Riddick (1996, p. 136) notes a teacher giving one of her pupils 20 hard spellings a week as a form of bullying, the child‘s mother commented that ‗he was worrying himself sick before the spelling test. In fact, he started bed-wetting because of the pressure of the spelling test, she destroyed his confidence‘. Povey and Todd (1993) suggests that at 7yrs old, dyslexic children first begin to be a cause of concern to both parents and teachers and experience difficulties at school, this corresponds with the peak of requests for dyslexia assessments (8-11yrs) according to Scott

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Childhood

73

(2004). This age responds with the Freudian change from ‗latency‘ to ‗age of industry‘ stages of child development (Freud, 1961; Erickson, 1968). Trauma at this age can affect the progression from one stage to the next. Jacobs (1986) suggests problems at this stage can cause: negative self concept; feelings of inadequacy; feelings of inferiority; confused values; dependency among others; and can cause a regression to the ‗genital‘ stages of development as seen as a toddler, recognised as clinging to family and mother for safety. McLoughlin et al., (2002) and Patton and Holloway (1992) and Scott (2004) suggest that dyslexics are generally immature and slow developers, even as adults they are still passive to their parents and allow them an unhealthy control over their lives. They suggest that they resist the notion of growing up as an empowerment decision. Scott (2004) suggests that this happens in several ways: firstly all major organisations helping dyslexics are run by nondyslexics (as seen in the British Dyslexia Association) and thus they are perceived to be incapable of standing up for themselves; secondly due to their difficulties they are unable to protest in printed media and thus only use verbal media (how a toddler protests in a world of adults); dyslexia is the only disability defined by school learnt abilities of children and thus until they have mastered the abilities of children they can‘t be adults; as mothers are the main saviour of the dyslexic child, they remain in adulthood ‗mummy‘s little child‘; the dyslexic is often seen as creative and this is seen as the one consolation prize for dyslexia, however trapped by this concept they are unable to live in the real adult world of newspapers with political status and education; lastly work published by dyslexics is done unedited and without changing incorrect spelling and grammatical mistakes, thus they are perceived to be childish. Thomson (1995, p. 41) notes the stress from a school that doesn‘t assist the dyslexic child can spill into home-life and can result in manifestations such as temper tantrums, aggression and bed wetting. Congdon (1995, p. 93) notes other manifestations in dyslexics of ‗emotional disturbance arising from the problem are: enuresis (bed-wetting); stammer; sleep-waking; asthma; and various physical symptoms, such as vomiting and recurrent abdominal pains for which no physical cause can be found‘. Riddick (1996, p. 48) notes a 7yr old boy who had a new teacher unsympathetic to his dyslexic difficulties, he became distressed and his behaviour at school deteriorated, his mother noted he cried himself to sleep each night, he started to wet the bed and came home shaking (with fear) if he had a spelling test to revise for the next day, his mother was frequently contacted about his bad behaviour at school but by then his behavioural problems were seen as the main cause for concern. When asking his teacher whether his behaviour could be down to a learning difficulty, the response received was ‗rubbish he‘s just very immature, when he learns to behave properly and knuckles down to the work he‘ll be ok‘. The next year his teacher was more sympathetic and identified him as dyslexic, helped him and his behaviour improved again.

Self-harm as a Child Have you ever self-harmed yourself because of your difficulties? Yes. Was that with food, drink or something else? I used to self-harm, I slashed my wrists open and stuff. I used to eat loads of food and [do] all sorts [of things] really. Did you ever attempt suicide? Not as such. So when you slashed your wrists, how old were you? About 13yrs old. Do you know what

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

74

Neil Alexander-Passe

the triggers were for that? It was depression. Could it be linked to anything related to the school, like tests? No. Bullying? I suppose you could link it with the bullying. Do you still have these thoughts (as an adult)? Yes. Do you know what triggers these thoughts? Just a lot of stress, which is pretty much my really big trigger. (Jean).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Do/Did you self-harm? Why? What are the triggers? Yes. I do still self harm and have done since about the age of four. My triggers are anger and frustration. I cut my arms and belly. As a kid I would scratch my hands or bang parts of my body like my head. I am currently having therapy which is addressing this issue. Have you ever thought about or tried to commit suicide? Yes. What were the triggers? I get very low sometimes and this is what triggers my negative thoughts. (Susan). Have you ever self-harmed? Yes. I used to do quite a lot of damage [to myself]; sometimes I put myself in harms way on purpose. When did it start? When I was 11 or 12yrs old. That‟s when things started to get really crazy. Have you ever attempted suicide? Sometimes I just thought I shouldn‟t be here, you know. When you start wondering whether you have really lost the plot, and I had by then. Sometimes there are some really dark points and I think I can‟t do this anymore, why am I doing it, there are no [cut marks], you know there are no physical marks there [on my body] from anything I did, more of mine were doing stupid things, I used to put myself in harms way when I was young, my favourites were places I should not be, impaled on a bloody fence, try to get over to where I shouldn‟t be. If there was a big fight, even if the fight had nothing to do with me, I would be kicking the shit out of someone else…does that make sense? I purposely put myself in harms way like I had a death wish. I have talked to my friend about the old days at school, she doesn‟t get it one bit, she laughs about some of the things we did, but they weren‟t smart, but she sees the pranks in a totally different way, to the way I do, but our Trixie can‟t see the obvious. Do you think she realised you were looking to harm yourself? No, she doesn‟t, even now, she just doesn‟t realise. I try not to talk about this around the kids, so they know nothing about it, its between her and me…and that‟s the way I want it to be. I sometimes worry that my family will tell them, as they like telling them [my kids] what a „stupid bitch‟ I was. (Natasha). What is self-harm?  

 

A means to firstly regain control over your life (e.g. if you are unable to control other aspects e.g. now you learn or are unable to learn, how your brain or arms move), A means to punish yourself (e.g. feeling your body is faulty, so it needs to be punished by cutting), thirdly, as a means to release of pain (e.g. cutting yourself to release blood and by your action release adrenaline into your blood-stream), A means of reward for surviving the day as a dyslexic (e.g. a bar of chocolate or a drug fix) A means to isolate yourself from your peers and family (e.g. over-eating to make yourself fat so people will not want to mix socially with you)

And you just thought it was about hurting yourself. No self-harm is a complex defensive mechanism which allow individuals a means to survive each day. Where taken to excess it can be life threatening, which also has benefits for dyslexics, a means to never suffer again.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

75

Suicide Ideation as a Child Have you ever thought about or tried to commit suicide? Yes, but I don‟t like blood. I am really, really, really not brave…so I do not know if I could have gone through with it. There are loads of times when you think about it, when you plan it, but I do not know if I could go through with it. Mainly because of my family, as I take a very hands on role with my family, so I would want to protect my family and not want anything to happen to them. It would be me worrying about it. How young do you think you were when these thoughts first came into your mind? Probably quite young, although I wouldn‟t see death as a way out, because I didn‟t have that concept, I just wanted this to stop, the inability to do everyday things and you just think „I want to be like everybody else, I want to be normal and I‟m not allowed to be normal‟, so you want it to stop, to fall into a hole and not be there anymore, as obviously your not contributing anything to the community around you as your not doing it right. So obviously, if you are not doing it right you are not being productive and you are not worth anything. (Kirsty). During my school years, I would quite often wish I had never been born, but actually I do remember as an early teenager kind of not wanting to wait till I could drive, because I couldn‟t wait to get into a car and just drive it into a brick wall. Why the car? Unsure but I wanted to do that so it would all be over, not dealing with it all. (Emma).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Have you ever thought about or tried to commit suicide? Yes. How early was that, the first time? The thoughts were…, about fourteen or fifteen years old when I was going through depression and things. (Rachel). Please describe your time at school? Was it enjoyable? I quite enjoyed school until I went to secondary school, then I found it really difficult, I wasn‟t diagnosed dyslexic till I was 17yrs old. I used to hate school because I couldn‟t understand why I couldn‟t do things that others could do. My primary school was fine, it was just secondary school that things weren‟t good, I took an overdose when I was 14yrs I just couldn‟t cope with it, it was an academic school I was made to take 13 GCSEs which was far too much work. A lot of coursework. I just felt there was too much pressure, I just can‟t work under so much pressure, some types, yes I can work under deadlines [now] but I can‟t do it if I have too many things on and doing 13 GCSEs, well I just couldn‟t do it. There was always too much to do and it takes so much longer to do it as well [due to the unidentified dyslexia]. They expected me to go in during my holiday to catch-up! My overdose was due to school, I didn‟t know what to do, I couldn‟t tell anyone I couldn‟t cope with the work [load]. They never sent me for a dyslexia assessment. I was only diagnosed at college, they first tested for it and I finally got it done [an assessment]. They never picked-up on it at school, in fact rather than put me into remedial classes for my learning difficulties, I was put into higher classes because, I don‟t know, it was mainly the coursework I struggled with, apparently I was above average intelligence or average intelligence. At school, because I didn‟t know I was dyslexic I just felt stupid and I got accused of attention-seeking and being difficult because I just couldn‟t do the work, obviously I now know I‟m dyslexic but at the time it felt everyone was out to get me [pressuring me]. Back then to cope I self-harmed, I just didn‟t know how to cope with it. I didn‟t really avoid writing, okay some of the time, I would go through phases, so particularly at year 10, I was bordering the average [standard] I could, and by year 11 it got

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

76

Neil Alexander-Passe

better. I‟m still like that now. I suffered a bit from bullying at school, it was everywhere really [playground and socially] but it was really linked into my depression, I just didn‟t interact with anybody and then someone found out I had been in hospital [for my suicide attempt] and then it was tough, it became public knowledge. I think they saw me as easy prey/easy target. It never really bothered me. (Kirsty). Do/Did you self-harm? Why? What were the triggers? When I was a child, in teenage life I did but that again was due to social issues, being depressed and confused/uncommunicative in a social setting, I still do now, getting really depressed and it brings back all those issues of growing up and not feeling like I can communicate with people but part of me has come to accept who I am now. I attempted suicide it a few times [long silence]. I went through a stage when I thought enough was enough and I will rid the world of me. I ended up in mental health [care] at 25yrs old because I just had enough, I needed someone to tell me that I was okay, it was okay and what I was experiencing wasn‟t nice - what people were doing to me [wasn‟t nice] and I got a lot of reassurance in the mental health [care]. Looking outwards and how to look outwards basically that it was [other] people who have the problem and not me, and I didn‟t have to go inside myself and that I could brush these things off and that‟s it‟s [other] people‟s issue. Because I came to that point when like I would end up being suicidal. I was too suicidal in my head and it was happening too many times. I was pushed too far. (Maureen).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Have you ever attempted suicide? Yes. How young were you? I was, I‟m just trying to remember when the first time was, I thought about it when I was at school, the first time I sort of got the equipment out to do it, was when I was at university. (Trixie). How early do you think you did those sort of things? I think quite young. Not smoking or drinking, but hitting myself, yes. Have you ever attempted suicide? Yes. How young were you? I was, I‟m just trying to remember when the first time was, I thought about it when I was at school, the first time I sort of got the equipment out to do it, was when I was at university. Do you know what the triggers were for that? I was very suddenly depressed. Did you feel abnormal there, struggling? Was it from problem learning? Yes in that there were frustrations when I was at university, when I first got there. (Trixie). Attempting suicide is not only a cry for help, but an admission that they are unable to cope and that suicide is the only option they see open to them. Suicide is not just seen by some as a means to rid themselves from this world, but to stop the burden that they are feel they are on their families and society. They see suicide as the ultimate sacrifice as they feel shame, guilt, helpless, desperation, pain, anxiety and no way out of their situation. Also suicide is the only option some perceive, as even if they stayed alive, they feel unable to contribute anything positive to those around them. The interview evidence points to attempted suicide as a way of coping due to not fitting in, it come as a result of frustration and anxiety about their difficulties. Dyslexia is not just about reading and writing, it affects every communication and thought the sufferer experiences. It touches every part of the school curriculum and every part of communicating and interacting with society around them. When a dyslexic attempts suicide, they are saying ‗enough is enough, I can‘t take it anymore‘. Whilst other indirect factors are involved, it should not be underestimated how dyslexia affects relationships and the pressure that dyslexics feel as an outsider to even their own family. Many do not fit into

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

77

Childhood .

their own family and unless a dyslexic finds a sympathetic life partner, their suffering continues in trying to fit into a world that many dyslexics find inhospitable. When children begin to withdraw, they are extremely quiet, or highly active and agitated. Suicide may be seen as an option to dyslexic children, as a result of excessive bullying and rejection (Winkley, 1996). Scott (2004) suggests that problems related to dyslexia may cause suicide, whilst real numbers are unknown. However as little research has been conducted in this area, numerous newspaper reports and anecdotes are the only real data to go on (Kosman, 2010; Dyslexia and Youth Suicide, 2010; Birmingham News, 2010, Fox, 2010). Correlations between bullying, school failure, pressure to achieve academically, peer rejection, feelings of frustration, depression, guilt and hostility have been made to children‘s suicide (Thompson and Rudolph, 1996; Harrington, Bredenkamp, Groothues, Rutter, Fudge and Pickles, 1994). Thompson and Rudolph (1996, p.446) go on to note that children with ‗learning disabilities or other learning difficulties that cause constant frustration are more likely to attempt suicide…gifted children may attempt suicide because their advanced intellectual ability makes relating to children their own age difficult‘. With attempts of suicide increasing during school term and decreasing during school holiday (Winkley, 1996) and that the attempts also increase in May and June to correspond with GCSE examinations. Peer (2002, p. 32) notes that the six cases presented to him from a dyslexic forum suggests that such children are fragile, vulnerable and feel the ramifications for failure are enormous. Riddick (1996, p. 107) describes how the problems encountered because of dyslexia was enough for dyslexic children to want to kill themselves, noting one mother ‗he wanted to be dead, there was nothing for him. He wanted his tie so that he could hang himself‘. Scott (2004) notes that many cases of dyslexia-led suicide are not recorded as such children are unable to write suicide notes.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Dyslexia as a Trigger to Depression How young you were when you were first depressed? I‟m thinking about 7yrs old. (Trixie). Could dyslexia be linked to your triggers? Absolutely, yeh I remember as a child I would lay in bed at night, just feeling what I can now identify as frustration, it was like a nagging pain in my feet and abdomen which I‟m now clenching now thinking about it, unable to sleep, insomnia, I was an insomniac as a child, I did not know what it was but I dreaded school and I knew I did not fit in at all. I felt different in some way, I knew I wasn‟t thick, I didn‟t have a lesser intelligence than my peers, but I just knew I felt alienated in school, particularly in my primary school, that again was reflected when I started school. It was never a problem at home…I wasn‟t playing up…I felt so anxious and frightened as a child but couldn‟t put my finger on it…I was unable to articulate why I behaved like I did at school. (Adrian). Did you ever get frustrated because of your learning difficulties? Yes. How would you deal with that? I didn‟t really. I just locked it all up [internalize it]. Taking it in, rather than letting it out? Yes. I saw that you were talking on the website about depression; do you think you were depressed at school? Yes. When you left school for the day, do you think you withdrew? Yes, I think I did. Could you tell me why you felt you were depressed then? Because it was a reaction to the fact that no one picked up on my disabilities, there was something wrong, I knew there was something wrong with me, and I was behind, and I was

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

78

Neil Alexander-Passe

bullied and it was all of that going on. It was just that... no one ever told me what the problem was as such and I couldn‟t describe it, I couldn‟t say this is how it was for me, the way I did things does that makes sense? (Jean). Do you think your dyslexia is related to your depression? I do, I link it sometimes to the problems I had at school, when I first suffered from depression, although I have no idea if I wouldn‟t suffered from depression if I wasn‟t dyslexic, but if I had support when I was at school I don‟t know if it would have mattered or not [I wouldn‟t have got depressed] and now it‟s a cycle that comes and goes. I was first depressed when I was 14yrs, so that relates to my self-harm [as a reaction to school]. (Lara). I feel that dyslexia combined with depression has been a big factor in the stress I suffered the low mood and low self-esteem. When you look back to when you were a kid, you kind of felt „this is how I should feel‟, and you do not question it, but as you get older you do question it and the diagnosis. I look back and see a lot of the suffering, I felt I should not have been feeling that way and I was responding to things that I should not have felt. (Norman).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How young do you think you were when you were first depressed? I would say, probably, what I can remember, is about 13 years old, as I can remember going to middle school, and it seemed okay and I was good at maths and that kept me going. It was when I went to the high school, at 15 years old when I went to the doctor. I didn‟t know it was depression but I wasn‟t sleeping and I couldn‟t stop crying. 15 years old was when they first gave me antidepressants and stuff. (Rachel). Do you ever blame your dyslexia for things? Yes, I blame my depression on my dyslexia. Do you think dyslexia and depression are linked/correlated? Yes. For me part of this research is making people aware the two things are linked. Yeh, I totally believe it. How old were you when you first felt depressed? I always felt it, but I never felt it exists till other people I knew began to get help for it. You said that you always felt it, was that from primary school years? Yes, from my childhood, I had no reason to feel like that, I had no problems at school. So could you roughly give me an age when you first felt depressed? 6 years old, although I didn‟t know it was bad. So at 6yrs old you felt you were depressed. Yes. (Ronnie). What were the triggers for those depressive thoughts? Well, I know the very first time I had those thoughts were when I was seven or eight years old. And that was from when I was being bullied at [primary] school. And that kind of, those sorts of thoughts have materialised at various points in my life. Sometimes at school, sometimes at college when I was doing my HND…at various stages of my life, I guess when I felt most depressed. So it sounds like you were suffering a mild case of depression when you were at primary school, when you were e.g. being bullied? I would say yes. Looking back on it now and knowing more about depression, I would say as a child I was depressed. (Milly). The feelings of helplessness related to being dyslexic at school seem from the above interview evidence, as the triggers to their depression. Being tearful all the time, aggressive, internalising, withdrawn, difficulty sleeping all are symptoms of anxiety and depression. What is surprising is the early age noted by the interview participants. Whilst as adults or teenagers they were diagnosed by their doctor, they seem to relate very similar symptoms to their time at primary school, with some noting depression from 6 years old. What trauma at school did they experience for them to feel helpless? Starting primary school at 5 years old

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Childhood

79

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

would not have been the first time that their dyslexia would have made them seem different to their peers, at nursery (pre-school) this would have been evident, by their difficulty learning the sequence of ABC and 123, by them being overly clumsy or being late developing speech. So very early on, dyslexics can feel isolated and different to their peers - enough for them to develop depression and anxiety. At 6 years old, early language/reading skill is developed and if traumatised and put off from learning at this age, they will develop even greater mental health problems when academic pressures increase five-fold in primary school, ten-fold in secondary school and so on into university and in the workplace.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 5

ADULTHOOD FEELING DIFFERENT You said whilst growing up, that difference was something you liked, but now you don’t? Yeh, now I‟m not so keen on it. I am but I‟m not, I suppose I‟ve had more contact with people that are normal, for want of a better word. I kind of wouldn‟t mind trying it out for a day to see what it is like to not be [dyslexic]. My mother always used to say, if someone could give her a pill to take her dyslexia away, she wouldn‟t take it, no way at all, she loves being dyslexic. I on the other hand would like to try it to see what its like, being non-dyslexic. (Emma).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

You say you are an eccentric, do you enjoy being different? Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. [I love/enjoy to see the look on people‟s faces.] Yes I do enjoy it...yes! I have made it [my dyslexia] a positive; you can make it a negative, and worry like crazy…but I don‟t do that. (Jasper). You remind me of another volunteer who is also a massive science fiction fan, he said that being dyslexic is like being ‘Spock’ from Star Trek, as he was different and didn’t quite fit in. Yes I can see that, sci-fi are full of characters who are „other‟, you have „Doctor Who‟ who is different from all the people around him, he goes on all these adventures but in the end he is on his own. He can deal with it, I get my confidence from others like you. As I do, I find other dyslexics who are like me, so I think in sci-fi they also do that. There is very much a scifi community. Do you think growing up that sci-fi was your hobby, to get your selfconfidence, knowing all the detail? Yes, I had very little interest in the other things (like make-up), I was not sporty that was not something I could identify with. I was not girly, so again I could not identify with that. But with sci-fi, when you are different you are celebrated. 'Spock' is different and really smart, which is like me…I love learning new things. I like 'Steven Fry' who is bipolar, so on one side he is jokey, happy and mad but there is a private side that is quite dark and troubled, because he can‟t understand why people like him, why he is so smart. I think it is the same with me „why can‟t I do this think that everybody else can do (reading and writing)‟. (Kirsty). How does dyslexia affect your daily life? Does it affect it? I am an electrician and not a barrister. Do you feel lacking daily? Yes and as I get older it gets harder, because I am not as agile now. When I met my wife, it was fantastic, I was working, I had my own place and

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

82

Neil Alexander-Passe

I had as much money as I have now. Whereas that money paid for posh meals, it must now support my whole family, and that is the issue! If I was a barrister, I would be more comfortable. So you are talking about progression. With progression would be more money. And I would imagine at my age I would be a partner, all the things my peers are doing. Do you compare yourself to your peers a lot? I am proud of myself, and what I have achieved with what little I have. I think I am an enigma as well; I would like to think that. That people cannot quite get you. Yep and that I can be in a van with my overalls, and then drive my wife‟s car, a decent car in a suit, so I can flip between the two. The mix as well, one minute on a building site and the next at some reception somewhere, so I quite enjoy that. Do you enjoy not wearing a suit? The whole routine thing, I saw them this morning. Have you seen them? Everyday going to the train station, the same? So maybe this is right for me, I have tried, I have had a few office jobs, but I came back to doing this. (Malcolm).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Have you ever felt rejected due to your dyslexia? We have discussed it before, yes I do. In your character, it sounded like you were rejecting everybody else, rather than you rejecting them, as you were being contrary. To be different Yes, even when I was on building sites and the rest were reading the „Sun‟, I would go in with „The Times‟ (a business newspaper), so yes. To be contrary and different? Yes. Is that a feature of dyslexia? Rebelling is common trait as a reaction to failing, to be different, do you feel normal now? No, because I cannot read anything I have written down, I am not the stereotypical forty-six year old person, like a lawyer or accountant. But I quite like being different. I think I am a novelty act because of that. That is a strange terminology ‘a novelty act’. If you go down the list of the people I know, the professions of those around me socially and through work, I‟m very different to them. I was at a party recently and someone came up to me and said „you the only one in this room that can actually do something‟. So yes, I thanked him for that, so I enjoy being different. (Malcolm). It‟s like the feeling when you go abroad and you don‟t really feel comfortable there, none of the signs make sense, none of the places make sense, but you just want to feel comfortable, you can‟t really settle in there. You sound like you feel you don’t fit in? Yes [its that], I also don‟t feel that I should exist. (Ronnie). Certainly I knew I was different, when I was child and how that made me feel. Some of my friends are homosexual, they are always saying that they also knew they were different, they knew they were homosexual, there wasn‟t much difference I felt being dyslexic, have you heard that before? No. You could be right the two things seem similar. I think they were trying to chat me up. We were having a poker night, the thing about dyslexia came up, and we were talking about it, about how we knew we were different, did one just wake up when we were fourteen and think I don‟t like women, it kind of interested me both the same way, to how I felt being dyslexic, it kind of meant the same thing. It’s a very interesting thing, the similarities. Did you feel rejected growing up? I felt a bit dejected, I wouldn‟t say rejected. I knew people loved me but I didn‟t feel I was. So you rejected other people? Yes, recently I think I‟ve done that, I think that‟s why I separated with my partner. But growing up did you feel dejected? I felt displaced, but that‟s what I meant about when you go away, when you go abroad, you get the feeling you don‟t fit in at first. I like wine, my wife (now separated) asked me why I drink so much; I said that „when I drink a lot I don‟t feel dyslexic‟. (Ronnie).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Adulthood

83

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

If you were describing dyslexia to a friend, how would you describe it? It‟s like being a Martian; I‟ve been living on this earth for a long time so I‟m quite good at coping with it by now coping with planet earth [laugh]. So is it similar to the book title ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus’? Yes. Therefore, you feel you are very different. I find I don‟t fit very well into the modern world. It is one of the reasons why I don‟t have a job. (Trixie). The interview evidence points to many adult dyslexics in this study feeling different to their peers. In childhood they felt different at school, but as adults they have more choice about their lives. However, the evidence presented suggests that difference is still an issue in adulthood. Analogies to driving in a foreign country or trying to communicate abroad are used by participants to describe how they struggle and feel different to those around them. Some like their difference, others do not. Why would they like their difference? As Malcolm notes, he enjoys being dyslexic as it allows his freedom in him daily life and free time to spend with his children. He enjoys his difference and will go out of his way to accentuate his difference to others around him in a rebellious way. He enjoys being on a building site one minute and in multi-million pound homes the next. He enjoys the variety and is glad he doesn‘t have a boring office based job which is the same day in and day out. However he blames his dyslexia in that he is not a barrister which is what he first wanted to be. He even bases his anger on his dyslexia on the fact that he isn‘t a barrister and is unable to earn more money. Further into his interview he talks about how his dyslexia makes him a novelty act and he enjoys the spatial abilities that dyslexia has gifted him, however he views his dyslexia as a curse. Another in the study, Kirsty, views her difference in a different light. She believes that her difference should be celebrated and makes many similarities between her and science fiction characters such as ‗Spock‘ from ‗Star Trek‘ and ‗The Doctor‘ from ‗Doctor Who‘. Such characters are celebrations of difference and the assets they can be. They are different to humans and have unique divergent skills to troubleshoot problems in the universe. Each week they help the world and are celebrated for being very smart and different, but with a dark side, which Kirsty says is the same as her. She feels differences should not be feared, but seen for what it is, an opportunity to contribute other things to society. In a similar vein, Trixie thinks she is a Martian on earth as she feels completely different to those around her. Whilst an interesting perspective and who knows she might be right, it flies in the face of conventional wisdom. She has chosen to reject society and not work as she feels unable to communicate with it, she is happier and less stressed due to her choice. She believes is lucky to be married to a sympathetic non-dyslexic who is willing to assist her in her choice, which was made from many years battling in the workplace, causing her much frustration and anxiety.

BEING AN ADULT Personality as an Adult There is a theme running through my life as being the „helpful uneducated person‟, when I was in Israel at camp, it was a bad year with little going on and I was called the star pupil of that camp, as I was helpful and constructive. (Malcolm).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

84

Neil Alexander-Passe

When I‟m up I‟m full of bubble and sometimes I admit I can be over the top and in your face, okay. When I‟m down I‟m not nice, no one knows what to do with me, I can swing on a pendulum, yeh, sometimes…lately nothing has been going wrong, but when something is wrong it is like the world has fallen through…but there is no one to hold me up. Its like I‟ve got to do it myself, I mean yeh the family are there don‟t get me wrong, the thing is I don‟t want their help, I won‟t accept their help. (Natasha). Please can you describe your character or personality? I think how I describe myself, as I have come to realise over the years, is not how other people would describe me. I always thought of myself as very easy going, but I think I used to be. I am easy going but I can be very critical, I am very self-critical, I think in an objective way, but my wife sometimes tells me I am not. I think my one strong point is I can look at myself and think „no I haven‟t done that very well, or yes I have done that quite well‟ I‟m very self-critical of myself, not just about other people, so I tend to criticise most things, not just what other people have done, the things I have done as well. It sounds like you could be a perfectionist, does that ring true? No. I am definitely not a perfectionist, I have seen perfectionists and I am not. I‟ll do things well, to the best of my ability and nine times out of ten they will be done properly. (Peter).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Could you please describe your personality/character? Independent, probably too independent and very self-sufficient, can be…I‟ve been described by my ex-husband as bossy and domineering but others have described me as assertive and as a team leader, but would say probably someone who lived in a shell emotionally, to keep people away. (Shelley). I think of myself as an empathy person – I have a lot of empathy for people. I think that comes from relating to people with the sensitive issues I have had to deal with. I think I‟m a very anxious person, because I worry about how I‟m perceived – I have been stupid and it worries me a lot. I‟m a very artistic sort of person, in the sense I find my strengths in my work, in my artwork – because it has always been something in my life that pulled me through situations of isolation, it‟s a way of expressing what want I to express, how I feel, how I relate to the world. (Maureen). Do you know any other dyslexics? Quite a few. Do they deal with it as well as you do? Yes. As I said, I‟m interested by adult coping strategies and so they all have their own way of doing things. However, interestingly they all seem quite extroverted in one way or another, so being extroverted seems quite common, I don‟t know if there is some extra sensitive flexibility that most people don‟t have, I suspect there might be. (Harry). Common themes from the interview evidence seem to be      

highly resilient to deal with many knocks they face in life, Independent and self-sufficient – so they don‘t rely on others too much, self-critical of what they do – a form of perfectionism, perfectionist at times to protect themselves – doing things very well to not highlight their difficulties, this can come across as being bossy and domineering, mood swings – big ups and big downs, excelling in people skills – to compensate for their lack of literacy skills

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Adulthood

85

What the above suggests is dyslexics develop coping strategies, in the form of personality traits, which protect themselves from harm and being open to unfavourable criticism from the non-dyslexic world they inhabit. Yes I make it sound like a ‗them and us‘ scenario, and to many they feel constantly threatened by the outside world, why else would many withdraw and avoid so much. It is impossible to really determine to what extent dyslexia influences personality and behaviour, but they carry with them excess emotional baggage from their schooling, with low self-esteem from difficulties remembering simple instructions, confusing factual information, or mispronouncing words. Morgan and Klein (2003) and McLoughlin et al. (1994) agree that low self-esteem can also come from being scared/hesitant to voice their opinions or answer questions in class as a result of previous embarrassment caused by misunderstanding/misinterpreting questions/discussions in the classroom as a child. Brinckerhoff, Shaw and McGuire (1993) identified the lack of positive self-concept as being the one consistent counselling issue that presents itself in individuals with learning difficulties.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Resilience Do you ever blame your learning difficulties for things? Like if I were not dyslexic I would have a good job or similar things. A flash car? No. One thing I have learnt is if you see things negatively…to think negative things [it is not helpful]. It has been advised to me, it is better to believe that my dyslexia is perceived as a problem and that my understanding of it helps me see the problems that other people cannot see. Take the negative and conceptualise it in the light of understanding and reason, then its impossible to say the problem is dyslexia, its easier to believe its because of your dyslexia you have problems but to understand it, you then have a context. When I first received the diagnosis, I said „oh that‟s why I have not done this and done that‟. Its not because I am dyslexic, it is because I have not learnt to work with myself and not to believe it is a problem that cannot be overcome. (Jordan). The interview evidence suggests that the adult dyslexic personality is complex and each adult chooses to cope in their own individual way. However, more were introverted than extroverted in their characteristics, thus perceiving dyslexia as something that needed to be protected against from, hostility from their peers. An introverted personality is involved around feelings such as inferiority, a tendency to be sensitive to criticism and to be self critical. The interview evidence from Peter and Maureen would support such a view of introversion.

Difficulties as an Adult Dyslexic Would you say that you enjoy life? Yes, in some aspects it‟s a challenge. Why is it a challenge? The reason I would say it is a challenge, is because of my dyslexia…I find it really hard to concentrate, I find it hard to communicate the way I feel about things, I can see what I want to say in my head but I can‟t physically write it down, I find that frustrating. Do the wrong words come out? Yes, It sounds like I‟m being quite harsh, about certain things, and I‟m not being harsh. I come over as quite blunt, but I‟m not a blunt person. (Jean).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

86

Neil Alexander-Passe

How does dyslexia affect you? In my current life, it‟s a challenge trying when I do waitressing I have to write everything down, there are tills which do away with that for you, but if they move functions it takes me ten minutes to work out where they have moved buttons to, because I always memorise roughly where it is. But recently they have changed all the systems, the menus had changed everything. I used to stand there for ten minutes to work out where the buttons were, where it was on the system, and people would come up to me and say „are you alright‟, „no‟ I said „I just can‟t put it through the system‟. In my hotel reception role, I find it hard to look down the list to find the person I need and then I‟m so concentrating on what I have to say and what I have to do and tasks I have to do for a person checking-in, you know we have certain things we have to say, it can come across as me being „dizzy‟ its just I‟m try my best to process it all and people have said to me „you are so dizzy, you are‟. If it is not on my list of guests, you are not there. (Jean). My words move round on the page and I add words in that aren‟t there, I can‟t spell things and words jump but I don‟t have things the wrong way round. (Jean).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How does it affect your life? It affects things, I find it difficult to follow instructions, that‟s the main big thing, if I‟m told to do something but it‟s not written down, I find it very difficult to do so, or if I want to write something down but talk at the same time in the meeting I can‟t follow what they are saying, I also have quite a short attention span, I kind of stop listening half way through meetings and now there are quite a lot of strategic parts to my job, which there wasn‟t before, but generally I can still do my job and do it well, but it makes you feel kind of, well inferior because if I wasn‟t dyslexic it would be easier, I think it would be. (Lara). Did you ever confuse numbers? Oh yes, all the time. I used to confuse letters and numbers, which I found a bit odd, which I haven‟t heard in other people, but I confuse the letter „a‟ with the number „4‟, and „3‟ and „s‟, sometimes „B‟ and „e‟s‟ sometimes, like „2‟s‟ and „s‟s‟ and things like that, a bit odd stuff like that. But „a‟s‟ and „4‟s‟. That’s different, as I would have thought ‘a’ and ‘1’ would be confused as they are the first in the sequence. I never heard of such a problem before. Yes I know it‟s an odd one, I don‟t know [why], it‟s just me. (Zara). As mentioned earlier, dyslexia can affect most areas of an individual‘s life, and the above interview evidence gives a glimpse of various areas which are seen as vital in employment e.g, taking messages, taking notes in meetings, remembering requests, remembering sequences especially complex ones to do with ICT. Jean, a research participant in Morgan and Klein (2003) once arrived late to an adult education class in tears because she had lost her purse. She noted that it wasn‘t the actual loss of the purse or the money that upset her, but the fact that she was unable to put a notice up to say she‘d lost the purse, because she couldn‘t spell ‗purple‘ or ‗purse‘. To the layman, a dyslexic child who as an adult does not show obvious dyslexic symptoms, thus they are cured, McLoughlin et al. (1994) argue ‗their dyslexia had not disappeared; they have not grown out of it, but have overcome many of the obvious symptoms‘. Jenny, the head of secondary school, another participant in Morgan and Klein (2003) describes other problems related to her dyslexia, was in a meeting with a director/governor of the school who asked her to sort a load of papers into alphabetical order (this may have been

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Adulthood

87

pupil applications for the school). She had told her colleagues of her dyslexia, but some still didn‘t know or realise its implications. She just wanted to leave the meeting as fast as possible as she was panicking. But she turned to a colleague who knew about her dyslexia to do the required task to save her embarrassment. She also noted problems writing proposals and reports, ‗I couldn‘t get what was in my head down on paper, and I couldn‘t understand what they wanted me to write‘. Many commentators on dyslexia have noted that dyslexia difficulties are exacerbated by stress (Hales 1995; McLoughlin et al., 1994; Miles, 1993, Saunders, 1995; Morgan & Klein, 2003). Morgan and Klein (2003) list the following difficulties in adult dyslexics:        

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

       

   

Miscopies information/street names Misreads street names/signs Goes shopping with an incomplete shopping list Often doesn‘t read everything on shopping lists Can‘t do mental maths, even simple calculations, thus always pays with a large note, as can‘t work out which notes/coins are required Difficulty writing cheques, so pays on credit card and deals with one bill to pay at the end of each month Gets increasingly anxious at financial matters, resents non-dyslexic husbands control of it even though she an equal breadwinner Misses ingredients to dishes or can‘t tell the difference between tea spoon and table spoon Double-books events or turn ups to things on the wrong day Can‘t judge how long events/tasks takes e.g. travelling to places for meetings and arrives too late to check into plan journeys Can‘t read car maps, so takes the taxi to new places Seen as an irresponsible parent at school, as can‘t get forms in on the correct dates Difficulty paying bills on time, can‘t plan for the 3 days required for payments to clear Can‘t do paired reading for children‘s homework Can‘t check child‘s homework for errors Can‘t read product instructions, so relies on shop assistants for guidance e.g. hair dyes and confused a permanent dye for a temporary one, thus needing to re-dye back to original colour. Needs practice runs to new journeys to learn routes Problems learning sequences and moves requiring co-ordinating body movements e.g. dance moves requiring arms and legs to be in specific positions Using others (partners) to complete forms, take messages, plan meetings etc Bluffing to avoid reading and writing (partners/friends/at work)

Regarding application and other forms, Hales (1995) suggests that a dyslexic completing an application form is a daunting task. Mark, a participant in Morgan and Klein (2003) noted the humiliation when asked to complete any sort of form on the spot, as he needs time to draft it and get it checked by another. Morgan and Klein (2003) argue that the first round selection process by employers is normally based on screening out those with messy handwriting and

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

88

Neil Alexander-Passe

poor spelling/grammar. Thus this could be argued inadvertently discriminates against dyslexics. Unfortunately, many aspects of dyslexia can easily be mistaken for carelessness or an inability to do the job. One could postulate that it is often in the workplace that dyslexics discover the true and multi-dimensional effects of their learning and organisational difficulties, but also how to get around them. It is there, too, that they may uncover their real talents and begin to thrive in non-academic tasks. „I'm getting so deeply depressed about it that I'm even scared to go on a bus or train because I'm scared of saying the wrong thing, reading the bus times or routes wrong, or doing something stupid in front of people.‟ „People are not forgiving... For example, in a book store I went to the cash register with the book in one hand and my money in the other, for some reason my brain just didn't process and I handed the book over instead of the money for a split second. The cashier just gave me this look, as if I was the most stupid person in the world.‟ (Depressedgirl, 2011).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Dyslexics can also have problems getting mixed up doing things, such as using money, asking for tickets, information in shops. This can make them look unintelligent, but it comes down to an intrinsic sequencing problem. The layman would suggest dyslexic write down what they want to say then use this in such situations, but as many dyslexic have difficulties in reading and writing, this doesn‘t seem to be the best option to avoid such difficulties in the future. Dyslexia support specialists in schools and universities therefore tend to suggest the use of bullet points, with one or two words to denote a sequence e.g.          

Prepare money Know destination One-way or return? Queue Tell destination Tell one-way or return Ask price Pay money Check change Take change AND tickets

Forgetting Things Do you forget to do things? I am dyslexic, I know if everything for my morning routine is there, I am fine, if its not I will forget things to do part of the process. Do you have that? Oh definitely. Even if I do things everyday for a year, I will still forget something. Like I have to come back on my way to work. when I volunteer for a club I must always find I come back for something, like I forget my purse or my keys, my iPod or something, there is always something I haven‟t got. They say „you can‟t have forgotten that again, you must be making that up‟ as I do it so many times, but I really really have forgotten again. Sometimes when people give you that look, saying „I can‟t believe you‟ve done it again‟. My dad has sent me

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Adulthood

89

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

up to the shop to get something and I will forget what he asked for…I can even go upstairs and forget why I went up there, so I have go down stairs then back up again to see if I can remember what I needed to get. The same thing happens to me. Do you forget you have forgotten to lock your car door or your front door? Oh definitely. I get half way up the drive and have to turn back as I can‟t remember if its locked, even if I just go to the shops, I turn back to check I have locked the door. Our front door is quite hard to lock; my father has shown me eight times so far, as I forget how it is done. I have to check if first have if I locked it and secondly if I am in a rush, have I really locked it. I do the same thing, I forget my train pass. I now ask my children if the car has gone ‘blip’ for the lock. I am lucky my wife leaves after me in the morning, as I would have to double and triple check the front door is locked. I have a list on my door I check before I leave, it says „have you got xxxx‟ it has a long list which I have to check before I leave, to make sure I have them all. That is a good way to deal with it Yes it better than people saying „why haven‟t you brought this or that‟, it is like a fail safe. (Kirsty). How much does it affect your daily life? Its difficult, its one of those things…being me is normal for me. Being you is normal for you. It is difficult to judge objectively, but I think it does make life more difficult for work, as you are constantly rechecking yourself and be aware that you have weaknesses. For example, checking if I have my travel card [train card], trying to find ways to not forget important stuff, the main thing at work is trying to cope with the sheer volume of information, the number of tasks and complex issues. Peoples expectations are that you work and think in a particular way [but I do not]. Do you double and triple check you have locked your car or door? Oh, yes. Do you sometimes forget… I personally need everything for my morning routine is in the same place, if it were not then I would forget like my mouthwash, so I have spares at work. Do you have similar problems? Yes, if its not there in your eyesight you will forget. So I have set up routines as well, which are quite difficult as I am not good in the mornings. I try and put them in place but it‟s not easy, I think at the moment I‟m working 9-5pm which I find much easier, as previously I was doing shift, being on call and you never got into routines. I found that hard and could not adjust to it. But now I have a sort of structure and I build stuff around that, which I find is much better for my mood and mental state. (Norman). Do you go into a room and forget why you are there? Yes, and I lose things all time. As I‟m fortunate that I have enough money, that my approach to life is to have two of everything and sometimes three, otherwise I would spend my entire life looking for things. How many times do you check the car is locked? Quite a lot [huge laugh]. I have to go and physically check it, and I leave the house and I‟m never quite sure If I had locked it or not. (Trixie). As one of the core elements of dyslexia is short-term memory deficit, the above interview evidence adds another dimension to such information. It brings a human element to a disorder that many misunderstand to be purely about reading and writing. Our society relies heavily on the ability to remember where we put things, what we need to do next, and what we need to buy to survive. Imagine going out shopping and forgetting why you were there are what you need to buy. As a dyslexic myself I know I rely on routines heavily to survive, without this I would forget my hygiene routine in the morning. Most of us live and rely on unconscious routines like driving a car, as we act on autopilot. For a dyslexic, they survive by their routines, and if they are disrupted during it by noisy children or the deodorant is empty, they

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

90

Neil Alexander-Passe

will not remember to go back and complete such a stage. Many dyslexics, and I count myself here, have multiples of items at home and at work. „He is very forgetful and disorganised, always losing things and placing things in the most inappropriate places around the house. He uses a notice board and lists for everything, alarms go off all the time to remind him of the time, he is restless, can't sleep and this causes him to be very angry/frustrated all the time.‟ (Lorri77, 2011). Dyslexics also have an extremely poor short-term memory for locking doors and turning off lights. I know I can check my car is locked 3-5 times, as within 5 seconds of locking the car I have forgotten if I had locked it. What to some may seem like OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), when I go back 3-4 times to check it is locked, or check 3-4 times I had locked my front door, is purely a strategy to deal with an extremely poor short-term memory. Morgan and Klein (2003) argue that there are occasional advantages to such problems with a short-term memory deficit. They tell of a dyslexic solider who went on an interrogation, information and escape course, and they had to convey information - a message when he escaped. He managed to escape from the camp but was then captured and interrogated. He never broke under the interrogation because he forgot what the message was to begin with.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Grafter/Unfair World/Persistence Do you get frustrated from your difficulties? Only in that, I end up staying at the university library until midnight, three days a week and I do not get enough time to sleep or to do things. Having to stay in the library until midnight most nights and then getting knocked back at the end of the year, THATs frustrating. Most of the time…I am intrigued by teachers and by the education (system), so I get frustrated about the issues and problems. How do you feel about doing so much more work than most people do, staying until midnight until every night in the library is it more than most of your peers I do not know that. I just know I am there alone, as I am alone and being the only one studying, it is frustrating, I am not happy about that. (Jordan). The above interview evidence suggests that dyslexics can develop a persistent personality characteristic, which allows them to continue in the face of hostility. Many would describe them as grafters who will make it come what may using all the tricks in their arsenal. Researchers such as Professor Martin Seligman would call it learned creativity – the ability to find novel solutions to allow survival in hostile environments. Dyslexics are generally known for their resilience and ability to not give up, this might be due to facing so many challenges growing up, that as adults they are better prepared to cope and deal with the challenges that face adults. However it must be said that some, and in many cases the more severe dyslexics, find coping with dyslexia unbearable and see the world as unfair and as noted by some of my research volunteers they feel like an alien in this world. No wonder many dyslexics get anxious and feel the burden of dyslexia as too great to manage.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Adulthood

91

HOW ADULT DYSLEXICS COPE Avoiding Reading and Writing Do you avoid forms? Yeh. Do you avoid paper and that sort of thing? I have just been trying to get personal indemnity insurance, which I have put off doing for a week, its only as I have had to go back and forth through 7-8 emails to fill out information I have missed or that I have not written correctly and you kind of sit there and say „urth, I don‟t like this‟. (Emma). The word processor has changed my life. I‟m aware of my issues avoiding writing things down, I ask people to email me, colleagues, rather than make a telephone call, I also use a paper based database along with an electronic based diary. (Adrian). Do you have a problem taking messages? I have a terrible short term memory, and I annoy people by who ask me „to take a message‟ and I say „I can‟t take a message, can you ring back later on or remind me again later. That probably really annoys other people that I refuse to take messages (Harry).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Do you think your hobbies help you? Giving you self- confidence? I maintain my confidence by avoiding paperwork., Avoiding paperwork, like crazy. When I was full-time teaching, I cracked-up with clinical depressive illness, at the point the when „National Curriculum‟ was introduced to schools, with its huge paperwork demands, it came in and I literally burst into tears. Before that it was possible to avoid paperwork: which is what I did. Looking back now, I didn‟t deliberately set out to do so and I often felt embarrassed. But I did avoid paperwork and nobody picked up on it. Yeah, I avoided paperwork…all the form filling in. I just didn‟t do. I used to get the school secretary to do quite a lot of stuff for me, I‟m a pretty nice person sometimes and I do help others with things, so she just helped me do things (Jasper). How about filling in forms? I cannot do that, I try to get someone else to do it for me. my latest example was I was filling in one for a job, and the interviewer said that my spelling was wrong and also „you put words in strange places, if there had not been a box for you to tick dyslexia, I wouldn‟t have even given you an interview‟, you know that sort of thing (Kirsty). Do you avoid forms? Yes. I avoid anything that involves writing. Anything that is presented to anyone outside my immediate family I will not do, like reading, writing, typing…anything (Malcolm). As noted earlier in childhood, avoiding writing is one of the key avoidance strategies used by dyslexics. At school it is the avoidance of doing homework (writing tasks) and coping from the blackboard. However as adults it is in many ways easier to avoid writing and in other ways harder to avoid writing. As adults there is more choice about how you do things – not like in school where there is only one way of doing things. At university you can now submit videos of visual materials instead of a thesis. You can get parents, siblings, friends and partner to complete many forms and deal with paperwork, along with taking telephones messages. Many dyslexics I know have a no telephone message rule, they will ask people to text or email them anything required for them to do. Sir Richard Branson the well-known dyslexic billionaire entrepreneur has a personal assistant who will do all his reading and writing for him, it can be done but it takes money to be thrown at the problem.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

92

Neil Alexander-Passe

Were you ever frustrated by your learning difficulties? Yes and I still do. I get frustrated when I cannot leave a note for customers, the frustrations of not being able to, and the trouble it has caused, which could have been avoided by just leaving a note and stuff like that. I still am frustrated by it all. I am also frustrated when I have to ask the kids to read something for me. How does it make you feel? Angry? [Pause] angry. Anger going out or in? Yes, anger going out. I also get annoyed with it. Situations also arise when all you want to do is leave a note and I cannot, I do not like that. How angry have you got from it? I have bitten things, thrown things What sort of things have you bitten? Chairs Have you ever punched walls? No, but thrown stuff. Thrown what? Books, paper and things like that, across the room. Or shouted at someone when they were trying to correct my spelling. (Malcolm). However there are many instances when dyslexics can not avoid writing tasks. For instance applying for a job or unemployment benefit, recording expenditure etc. At work all sorts of writing is required e.g. detailing project tasks requirements to be done, detailing items to be invoices, dealing with return policies in retail companies, noting down retail stock to be ordered etc. 99% of jobs require reading and writing in some shape or form. Your mother/friend/partner can‘t be with you at work or everywhere you go, so at some point the dyslexic will be faced with reading/writing – unless they become an excluse. And I know a few dyslexics who have done this.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Perfectionist How do you deal with forms, do you generally avoid them? They are not a particular issue, surprisingly. I can usually slowly work my way through them. Generally, they do not bother me. Do you take a long time to complete a form, like a passport applications, do you make several copies first, doing a rough? I do not make loads of copies, but I tend to do it in pencil and go over it in ink. I also check it over with my wife as well, with things like that. (Brian). I‟m a very enthusiastic person, I‟m all or nothing, which really annoys some people, but I‟m a very very motivated type of person, but if I don‟t want to do something, I find it quite difficult to get things done. I‟m a perfectionist, I get told that a lot. I don‟t like doing things if I can‟t finish it or I can‟t do it right, I would rather not bother. (Lara). When you get things wrong or forget something, how does it make you feel? If I needed to repeat or dial a number, I am likely to get it wrong. I think I am beyond….I am where I am because…, so to keep on about it is no use. When my wife‟s father died and he lived out of London, my wife was away for a time, we suffered [financially] for it, as I couldn‟t even send out estimates, as I couldn‟t get the numbers at the bottom right, which were the important parts, because I‟m actually quite fussy about my presentation. I remember getting a letter saying „Re your stuff‟ and I would not dream of sending out a letter like that, you know maybe I am over sensitive about it. Do you think for the work you do, that you are a perfectionist? It must be perfect. Is that a theme for your life, everything must be perfect? A form of control. My wife would not say so, but actually, I think so. But I do, actually I do like it right. I am not particularly tidy but I am quite fussy. (Malcolm).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Adulthood

93

Would you describe yourself a perfectionist? Yes, if it goes right I can cope with it, if it goes wrong, I can‟t deal with it. (Natasha). What are the triggers to your depression? Feeling over loaded and because everything must be so perfect, if it isn‟t then I feel things are not in control [I‟m not in control]. I feel kind of inadequate as well. (Norma). Would you call yourself a perfectionist? Yes, sometimes. I find that frustrating as you will never write the perfect essay, no matter how much rewriting you do. It is more important to get something imperfect and finished, than try to make it perfect. (Harry).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How does failing or getting things wrong affect you? Everything has to be perfect, I can‟t [deal with getting things wrong]. I beat myself up a lot of the time if things are not completely perfect, sort of when I write an assignment now I have to write it word perfect, I will go back, even if it takes me twice as long. It must be word perfect from the start. If I get a bad mark or grade I feel like a complete failure, I pretty much withdraw for up to a week. Do you ever say why me? Why am I dyslexic? No, cos I also see positives. I know I say I have all these difficulties, but I can see the positives from it - I think like that. What are the triggers to your depression? Feeling over loaded and because everything must be so perfect, if it isn‟t, then I feel things are not my control. I feel kind of inadequate as well sometimes. (Norma). Perfectionism is a form of control and is another defense mechanism used by dyslexics to deal with their difficulties, within a world that is perceived to be hostile to their learning difference. Its not just how they learn, but how they communicate verbally and in writing to others. It‘s how they perceive people will see them that cause them to develop perfectionism to ward off people thinking they are stupid, ignorant and illiterate. Perfectionism has come from years of being hurt (normally at school) and finding a means to protect themselves from further pain and anxiety. To photocopy a passport application several times, and complete them in pencil before inking them is an extreme means to gain the required outcome – a passport. But what is the cost? Is the cost worth it? Is there a better way? Is it better for them to spend hours doing it themselves or rely on others for such tasks? In business delegation is seen as the key to success, do the things you are good at and delegate the tasks you are not good at or do not have the time to do. To delegate such tasks, does it ‗cover up‘ the dyslexia? Does it emancipate dyslexics? The British Dyslexia Association was set up by mothers of dyslexics and many argue that they did it because dyslexics were unable to stand up for themselves, to gain a voice, to advocate for themselves. So does delegating such tasks say they are incapable of doing it? Or that they play to their strengths? Thomas West used to argue that dyslexics were more suited to the future requirements of the workplace that computers would make paperwork and secretaries redundant – I would argue this has not yet happen, and dyslexics must deal with such paperwork. Is it a case of ‗do or die‘? Do paperwork or not survive?

Humour When you forget things, like meetings, or getting things wrong, how do you feel? I am used to it. For years, I tried laughing it off. Then in one work situation, a manager turned round to me and said „that‟s not funny‟ and it had not dawned on me until then that not everybody was

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

94

Neil Alexander-Passe

like that. I thought everyone made those types of mistakes, and then I thought maybe they do not. At school, I also tried to make a joke of things to get over the embarrassment. So humour covered up for mistakes. I used the 'Goons' as my role model for my humour. (George). Do you use humour to cover up? Oh yes, yeh. It was also probably my defence against bullying [at school], people aren‟t going to bully you if you are laughing [at your own difficulties, but is this self-denigration?]. I suspect, if someone is sitting on you, you just laugh it off; they go away and pick on someone else. So you used humour fairly early on to cover up? I probably did, yeh, maybe without realising. (Harry). As in childhood, the use of humour is a powerful tool in covering up for inadequacies – the inability to do things. Making people laugh helps to dissolve the difference that dyslexia brings, as they say ‗it breaks the ice‘. Many dyslexics are perceived to be very chatty and this endears people to them, although getting a dyslexic to remember a complex joke is hard due to their very poor short-term memory. So I‘m not surprised there are no well-known dyslexic comics. Although there are several famous dyslexic actors (e.g. Tom Cruise, Whoopi Goldberg, Susan Hampshire etc) they do suffer from difficulty learning lines, as short-term memory is a problem for dyslexics. Many dyslexic individuals have consciously or unconsciously evolved helpful coping strategies, and will use their charm/humour/good verbal skills to ‗talk their way out of trouble‘. It is argued that their use of humour to soften the effects of forgetting to do a required task

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

EMOTIONAL HEALTH Anger How does it make you feel annoyed because you can’t do things because of your dyslexia? I get angry, I get…the day before yesterday I got incredibly frustrated and I got back from doing a hard days work, Lisa had been working in the office. I went „why hasn‟t she done this or why hadn‟t she done that‟, I rely on her to do the paperwork… I knew that she had not been sitting on her backside doing nothing, I worked myself up, I had a log-jam. I should have gone into the office and sorted it out. But I got into such a state that I could not. Occasionally I get very angry. You notice the doors in this house; I get so angry I go through doors. I get so frustrated and walk round with clenched fists, I„ve never hit anyone as I can control myself that much. I have got to do something, if the door gets in the way, my hand goes through it. How many doors have you done that to in this house? Embarrassingly enough, my daughters door has a hole, the kitchen one has been off its hinges and the office door I has been repaired three to four times. It makes me sound like a bit of an idiot, but sometimes I work myself up so much that I must hit something. I used to have a 1200cc motorbike. I used to go out…one day I went out on it and thought „what am I doing, if I go out in this now I will kill myself‟ so I actually turned the bike off, threw the keys in the nearby bush and came back in. I thought if I threw them in the bush that it would take so long to find the keys again that I would have calmed down. I find myself sometimes going into my

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Adulthood

95

bedroom and punching the pillow, but its nowhere near as satisfying as putting your fist through a door. (Peter). Do your learning difficulties ever frustrate you? Yes, very much so, in not being able to recall or remember information, and not being able to express myself in words adequately to describe my feelings. How do you deal with that? [Long pause] it used to be, and still is to a much lesser extent…it gets me extremely frustrated and angry. It re-enforces these feelings of inadequacies, to the norm of society. How angry do you get? [Pause] right, err….lately I can really put myself through the mill, and it spills into the relationship with my wife, making me inconsiderate and rude to her. In addition, lately it can follow on to an almost downwards spiral to depression. Have you hit people or things in the past? Usually I hold myself back from doing such extreme things like that. I usually retain some form of self-control, but it is more internal with me, I say „you stupid person why cannot you do this‟ to myself…it‟s questioning myself as much as wanting to do something physically. I have damaged things in sheer frustration but it is rare, very rare. I think most of it is directed inwards in myself, you know, causing psychological problems in me. I will go extremely quiet, introverted and not communicate, especially with my wife. I feel I dare not expose myself [to others]. (Brian).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Do/did you ever get frustrated because of your learning difficulties? Yes. How does that manifest? The temper comes out, I get short-tempered, bite peoples heads off without intending to, not necessarily aware that I have done that, and it can get quite explosive around me, I‟m hard to live with, I‟m a ticking time-bomb at times, the old man and the kids can cope with me sometimes, but I‟m sure some times they just want to kill me. How do you deal with getting something wrong? Do you beat yourself up about it? Yes. (Natsaha). So when you get things wrong and get frustrated, how do you deal with it emotionally? I get very upset indeed, I can be reduced to intense anger and I‟m not proud of it, I have hit my head in intense frustration and will tear things up. I’m looking to gauge your anger, I would imagine you are quite high. It would arise quite quickly, I would get into that space and it is like someone had just flicked a switch [in me]. (Trixie). How down did you get? I wouldn‟t have said so, because of the problems I was suffering, I wouldn‟t say I was depressed, but I was frustrated and angry and really het-up. I wouldn‟t say that it made me depressed; maybe later on when I was at university I had some hard times, my university was very unsupportive. They suggested I shouldn‟t be at university because I couldn‟t read or write, and they had no idea about the level of dyslexia that I was suffering and that got me down. They just didn‟t support me and I didn‟t think I was going to be able to do it [my degree/career choice]. I might have been a bit depressed about it all [said quietly, like it brought back those painful memories]. How did you deal with your university years? I threw a chair at my lecturer, yes she told me I shouldn‟t be on my course, because I couldn‟t read or write and potentially I was unemployable and they would have to employ a second person to read and write for me, and so no hospital would ever employ me, so I threw a chair at the lecturer. Wow, you must have felt so much anger? Absolutely, because they had no appreciation about what was going on? My school recommendations had been sent to them [and ignored] and I had been assessed by the dyslexia coordinator at the university, who had made a huge long list of recommendations for a computer and a Dictaphone and all the rest of it, but that I was quite capable of doing everyday duties that were required of me, yet my lecturers weren‟t interested in that at all, they hadn‟t even looked

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

96

Neil Alexander-Passe

at the disability report recommendations. Without knowing me as a student, they had meetings with hospital managers and such like, and concluded amongst themselves that I was potentially unemployable and told me that I should leave the course. I just went mental (Zara). Intense anger has a reaction to coping with dyslexia, or not coping as noted in the interview evidence above. Why anger? What has caused such a reaction? As noted earlier dyslexics do not like being made to look stupid, and they can in some cases develop coping mechanisms such as perfectionism, so they can protect themselves from looking foolish or ignorant. Anger can come from letting that guard down, not being able to be perfect, not being able to get it right, from their inability to do things – even perceived simple things like leaving a short message for a customer without a spelling mistake. Many dyslexics put such strong barriers around them whilst they juggle work and life challenges that any ball falling can be unbearable to deal with – causing intense anger to erupt. Each dyslexic is different, and each puts in place a complex set of strategies to protect them from perceived public failure or ridicule – no two sets of strategies are the same and it is hard to generalise. So the triggers for each are hard to describe in this book. Just imagine how mad you would be leaving a million pounds in a street somewhere, never to be found again – that‘s how angry dyslexics get with themselves when they get something wrong!

Getting Things Wrong and Self-Blame

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How do you feel when you get things wrong? If I get it wrong, I feel sort of inadequate I think. Silly, because you have written things down wrong, wrong day [for appointments], but it‟s quite difficult to accept that because its part of who you are. (Andrea). When you get things wrong, how does it make you feel? Frustrated. When I was doing my psychology course at college, I had horrible problems putting my thoughts onto paper, in a way that actually made sense in the way they wanted, flowing my arguments through it, through to my conclusion. I had terrible problems, and threw several computer printers out of the window, I had an excuse that they messed it up, you know, it makes me so…, I get very tearful and frustrated about it. You threw the printer out of the window? Yes, I was so frustrated. (Anita). Do you ever get frustrated from your learning difficulties now? [Quietly] yes. What things cause the frustrations? Mainly its to do with my short term memory and my organisation, also its to do with writing letters and things, official kind of get things down on paper, like hand outs when I deliver training. There is always a spelling mistake on a handout somewhere which perhaps isn‟t that important, but it is when you are being told in the middle of a lesson that it‟s spelt wrong. How does that make you feel? Most days I kind of stand there and think „is it really that important‟ and then days like I have had this week I think „what on earth am I doing it all for‟, and should I really be doing it and „I‟m a fake‟, then after a little while I think „no, no keep going on‟. Therefore, you said before that you were resilient, so this is a case of that. Yeh, its like a constant internal conflict really, with the fighting ending up that there‟s no point sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself, because it won‟t actually achieve anything. (Emma).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Adulthood

97

How does failing or getting things wrong affect you? I beat myself up about it and when I was in a mental health hospital they sort of put it to me [told me] that half the time my selfblame was due to my need to be perfect [but think you do]. I think it‟s a big issue for dyslexics being perfectionists, as what they are doing is constantly ridiculed and that (reading and writing) is a sign of intelligence, especially in education. You know you beat yourself up and call yourself stupid as you have done something wrong, because you are constantly battling all the time, I am not as bad as I used to be, I let it go now and say its people‟s ignorance. (Maureen). How does failing or getting things wrong affect you? It knocks my confidence. Are you able to bounce back? It takes a while; however I have had professional counselling for it. Have you ever been given any anti-depressants for it? They wanted to put me on them, but I didn‟t want to go on them. (Jean). How do you feel when you get things wrong? I say „stupid me‟, especially when I use a spell checker, it flags things up like a great big balloon, it shouts it out at you angrily with the letters and lines under it. How do you react to that? Frustration. I get frustrated, anxious and that builds up and then the anxiety kicks off more. (Ronnie).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How does getting things wrong affect, do you beat yourself up about it? Yep, yep. You were asking earlier how I dealt with anger and things like that. And I said I beat myself up internally, by putting myself down by saying „your are not good enough to do this, why are you so stupid‟. Yep. (Brian). To a dyslexic getting things wrong is similar to admitting that they are abnormal and that dyslexia controls them compared to them controlling their dyslexia. In much the same way a cancer or mental health patient takes medication each day to reduce or suppress their symptoms. If they forget their dose for one day their symptoms may come back and again will be unable to cover up their medical problem. If a dyslexic lets their guard down and big problems surface, or even they show up their poor spelling or grammar, it can be as if their careful built up mask or identity has cracked and is crashing down around them. I have heard many dyslexics talk about being like a secret agent with a double life. One life for the outside world which is carefully conceived and managed, another with their family and closest friends where they are able to make mistakes, forget things and be themselves. One research participant talked about the best years of her life was sharing a house at university with other dyslexics. She felt so at home and the others could get her, compared to her family where she had non-dyslexic parents and siblings – who she was so different to that she felt abnormal.

Frustration How does it affect your daily life? Does it? Yes, I‟m sure it does. I‟m slow at doing certain things, I get frustrated with my concentration, so if I‟m reading I need complete silence without anything else going on in the room, like talking or interruptions. I need quality time to do certain things, and I feel sometimes slightly embarrassed that it can take months for me to read a book and a friend of mine can read very fast and can read it [a book] in two hours on the top deck of a bus. But on the other hand there are other good things about it as well, good things and bad things. I gave a lecture last year, I don‟t like using PowerPoint, but I

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

98

Neil Alexander-Passe

used PowerPoint and I gave this lecture, I typed this thing in PowerPoint the day before, I thought they were really laughing at my jokes, and I thought it was going really well, but they were laughing at my spelling mistakes, as it [the spell checker] was underlining them on the screen. I couldn‟t see them; I couldn‟t see the spelling mistakes. How did it make you feel? Oh, it made me feel a bit stupid for a few minutes; but I then saw the funny side of it. (Harry). When things are going right in the sense of I‟m not having to deal with education and the text…you know what I mean [writing reports etc]. Cos, when I deal with education and learning when it comes to using text and reading it gets me down as I think I‟m stupid, like I‟m incapable of doing the work cos I‟m dyslexic, it gets me down cos I have problems with speaking and explaining what I want to say because they want it in a structured way and I can‟t get my head around the thinking needed, so it get me down. (Maureen).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Do you still get frustrated with your learning difficulties? I get frustrated and I do not know enough about it to say if it is down to that but I am appalling at paperwork. If it was not for my wife taking over the paperwork, my bookkeeping was worse than my schoolwork, I mean. If I sit down, you have to be on the ball with figures to work out the square root of things to order the right amount of wood. I know I am not thick; I keep so much in my head. Do my difficulties hamper me now? Yes, as my organisational skills are bad but until I saw my son‟s organisational skills, they are the same as mine. As much as you try and do things about it and try and be tidy, you cannot. I had a half day off today to try and write a letter and I just put pen to paper when the phone rings, so I can get side tracked easily, the call ends and I try and get back to the letter, then another phone call interrupts me. I have so many things going on. (Peter). As noted earlier, dyslexics get frustrated when they are made to feel inferior and abnormal in our word-based society. As Harry notes above, he thought he was making jokes and really connecting to his audience, in fact the audience was laughing at his spelling mistakes and the fact that PowerPoint underlined them was the icing to the cake. If his students weren‘t aware of the typos before, they were blazingly obvious by them being underlined in bright red. Dyslexics hate being made to look stupid, like anyone else. The difference is that dyslexics are highly sensitive about their difficulties, as they have faced ridicule about them all their life - at school, from friends and in some cases their own family. Unless dyslexics are extroverts, they will want to blend into the background just like at school.

Withdrawal into a Bubble Growing up you were talking about sitting in your room and reading rather than being social, do you think you were doing that as a protective bubble? Yes. You find sometimes I put a protection there, a bubble to keep people away. I do feel very self-conscious, I always have. Thinking about now, do you enjoy being you? Sometimes. I think I kind of feel my dyslexia has complicated my life and my idea of myself. My depressive traits probably don‟t make it easy for me to do things that would give me a happier more fulfilled life. I find that really frustrating, I think I was quite solitary, withdrawn and not comfortable in social situations, and stuff like that growing up. You get to forty years old and I feel I have missed

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Adulthood

99

out on a lot of stuff. My defence mechanisms were once protecting me but are doing me no good as an adult and have damaged my ability to function and do other important things, like relationships. I seem to be protecting myself constantly, protecting myself from things that I should be doing - a bit risk-adverse. So your bubble was once good but now it is harming you? Yes. It has made my self-esteem fragile, I have this fear of rejection, not being worthy if I do something, people will turn round and say „you must be pretty stupid to not be able to do that‟. (Norman). Before you were talking about going into your bubble, because it was the safest place Yes it is, because I feel understood and more confident there, I do not have to deal with other people and for it to be safe. I guess I am turning into more of a hermit I suppose. (Rachel).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Developing the theme of this chapter, if you are made to think you are stupid and the outside world seems inhospitable, and then withdrawal almost seems logical. Is it strength to face your troubles head-on? If you were running and came face to face with a brick wall, what would you do? Would you keep on running? No, you would see it as pointless. This is how many dyslexics feel and choose to withdraw. Is withdrawl a strength? Or is strength seen as continuing in the face of impossibility? There is an alternative, and that is to try and go round the wall. What other strategies can you use to carry on? What skills do you have? As a dyslexic I left school with very few qualifications and chose to go down a vocational rather than academic route - as it used the skills I was good at. I could very well have chosen to just give up in the face of huge barriers.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 6

COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS AND RELATIONSHIPS This aspect of dyslexia and relationships is an interesting twist to the phenomena called dyslexia, it tells of underlying but unconscious factors that can affect how dyslexics survive in the outside world. Most of the evidence in this chapter has come from the www.beingdyslexic.co.uk website which is an innovative forum for dyslexics and others to discuss dyslexia, problems relating to dyslexia, and how dyslexics interact with the nondyslexic world. Whilst most participants on the forum are dyslexics, many are non-dyslexics trying to understand what dyslexia is and how it affects those around them and their families.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

The Dyslexic’s Perspective „I am not confident in big groups, as it may sound silly but I don‟t seem to think fast enough to keep up and contribute to the conversation much. This has caused major problems with my housemates this year‟ (Sophie, 2011) „In presentations I get so muddled and nervous, they think I‟m talking gobbledegook‟ (Sophie, 2011), „I want to say things to people, make conversation, but I can‟t, the words just won‟t come out. I walk away thinking why I didn‟t say this or that‟ (Bob, 2011) „I would like to join a sports club but I feel a fool and always end up standing in a corner wishing I could think of something, anything sensible to say to someone – I always thought I was just shy‟ (Bob, 2011). „I was talking to a chap at work last week, we started to chat and my brain turned into bubbles. Its so frustrating cos we could have had a really good conversation, shared a pint after work, as we have similar interests‟ (Bob, 2011). „I have tried to converse on many occasions and when I‟m unable to, the other person /other people have often commented that I have a very limited set of interests/knowledge. This was their observation. When you get these comments on a regular basis you begin to want to stop them, as they are hurtful. They make you feel abnormal and remind you that you‟re not normal. They remind you that you have a disability which is going to be with you for a lifetime. They make you feel that you are cursed. They continuously remind me of my dyslexic

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

102

Neil Alexander-Passe

inadequacies. So in the end you don‟t trust other people and you don‟t trust that some kind of a miracle is going to happen when you decide to attempt a one-on-one type of a relationship / personal or otherwise‟ (Nessbar, 2011), „If I ever consider a relationship with someone, I‟m immediately reminded of all of the problems I'm going to have if I decide to try to pursue a relationship with someone. So I don‟t have relationships, as I don‟t want these problems in my life. Or in the life of another person. I know that the chance of me meeting someone who has a similar disability is about 10%. And I know that if they are like most of the “normal people” out there...well they haven‟t got a hope in hell of understanding me as a disabled dyslexic person and unfortunately I don‟t have a hope in hell of understanding them...or being able to relate to them & give them what they are looking for in life. I know this from past experience‟ (Nessbar, 2011).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

The evidence above seems to argue that dyslexics have specific problems with communication, specifically when it comes to talking to friends, potential partners and work colleagues on non-work based subjects. Parallels could be made to individuals with Aspergers or Autism, in that dyslexics have problems keeping up with conversations, are unable to read non-verbal clues to meanings, due to their short-term memory forget what was said earlier, and lastly having problems accessing their memory for the right thing to say. It is their neural difference (e.g. larger frontal lobes) that account for dyslexics problems with short-term memory and their ability to think divergently. This divergent ability which allows them to ‗think outside the box‘ to solve problems, can in conversations cause them to come out with the strangest ideas and connections e.g. talking about dogs and about the noises they make (barks), can come out with strange links to trees, as both have barks. This can cause bewilderment in the eyes of others, and as the above evidence suggests, ‗they think you‘re weird‘. So, whilst such divergent thinking is an asset in some areas of life, namely business, in social settings it‘s unfavourable. I have problems with the "muddling" up of words. The amount of times I‟ve tried to have a conversation with someone and failed miserably. After a while people just get sympathetic and usually try to finish my sentences of for me as I‟m speaking. And I too feel dumb as a mule, I know I‟m not but I just come across as an absolute dummy and it does make you feel like crap. I know the reason why I talk like this though, it‟s because I didn‟t have a lot of practice growing up, and everyone kept telling me "you‟re so quiet". I usually talk in short bursts and if I try to continue I‟ll mess up‟ (Zeddy, 2011). The evidence also points to non-dyslexic partners feeling that they are unheard or misunderstood, this is an aspect which is similar to Autism/Aspergers, in that they have difficulty dealing with their feelings or the ability to describe their feelings. My wife constantly tells me that she has told me something or I think I have told her likewise, but due to my short-term memory deficit I have no idea. This can make me seem unloving and uninterested in her. „People tell me I‟m shy, so I try and talk more, but when I say something they get weird (freaked) out and I never want to be around them again‟ (Teecobug, 2011) The inability to talk in a social setting is an under-rated ability, which the absence of can cause major embarrassment, with dyslexics commenting that others think they are weird. But the flip side of this is the defence coping strategy that many dyslexic use, which is to Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Communication Problems and Relationships

103

avoid social gatherings/small talk, but they then can be perceived as ‗quiet, reserved and shy‘. This strategy is used to remove themselves, either physically or mentally, from inhospitable situations that present themselves in everyday life. „The one thing that breaks my heart and causes me deep depression is feeling “stupid”. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. When there's a joke, everyone gets it except for me, and when I nod and laugh it off, some people try asking me if I got it and challenging me, which terrifies me. ‟(Depressedgirl, 2011) „I find it hard to contribute to a conversation and often when I do there is silence like I have said something wrong. I find talking to dyslexics easier because I can be myself around them, say stupid things or mix stuff up and not feel a complete dum dum‟ (Dizzyhamster, 2011) I suggest that those wishing to converse with dyslexics should keep their conversations short and to the point, and be happy with short responses, okay a bit more than ‗yes and no‘, but do not expect a long answer. My wife and others in my research has noted in their frustration in writing long email or txt messages and only getting a short response. This may look heartless and uninterested, but its how many dyslexics cope. „I avoid conversations with people‟ (Sophie, 2011)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

If one has removed oneself from social situations or remain quiet and shy in them, this affects ones self-esteem and results in them socially excluding themselves and drastically limits their ability to find likely partners for long-term relationships/marriage. One question posed by the evidence is that maybe in dyslexics dating dyslexics they will find someone on their same wave-length, and more understanding of strengths and weaknesses. Personally I know many married dyslexics, many more than those unmarried, and in all cases they have married non-dyslexics. So communication difficulties do not mean social exclusion in all cases.

Communicating with a Dyslexic – The Other Side of the Coin „My husband has dyslexia, he is very good at reading, writing, but finds it very difficult to take in what I or anyone else is saying in normal conversation - it always ends up with him stopping me half way through a sentence wanting me to explain what I have just said, this results in him asking questions about the most insignificant thing and him taking control of the situation. As you can imagine even the silliest of conversation ends up with a questions and answers situation with him always asking the questions, I am finding this situation very frustrating, indeed to the extent I now don't really want to communicate with him‟ (Lorri77, 2011). „What is the best means for being understood? How can I communicate effectively with my husband? I have reached such a point of frustration and exhaustion...we cannot seem to communicate about anything important because I always feel either unheard or misunderstood. I had thought it was because of lack of respect, lack of him valuing me or loving me...but reading your posts has me thinking that perhaps I never truly understood his

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

104

Neil Alexander-Passe

dyslexia. And now...we are about to get a divorce...and...I am scared that it's all for the wrong reasons. We had something really beautiful going on.‟(Giva, 2011).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

The evidence from non-dyslexic partners of dyslexics, suggests that dating a dyslexic can be highly stressful and frustrating, due to problems with communication. Dyslexia is more than a learning difficulty, it affects all areas of life, and ones interactions with those around them. Dyslexia is a mystery to most, especially to the dyslexic themselves. The good/bad day syndrome of dyslexia can seem illogical and this causes added stress to those who regularly communicate with dyslexics. The evidence suggests that dyslexics find personal conversations hard, as they have deficit in retaining information. I mentioned this to my wife last week and she told me maybe she would give up talking to me and just text/twitter if I can‘t retain the information. From a personal perspective, if a partner/individual talks for more than one or two sentences, I‘m unable to retain the information given and find it very hard to make appropriate responses, as per the above evidence. The twitter character limit is thus ideal for dyslexics. It is the inappropriate responses that are taken by non-dyslexics to mean that they are uninterested in their views or that they are being rude. There have been countless times over my last twelve years of marriage that my wife has needed to intervene to remedy inappropriate emails or conversations, from people who have taken my conversations/emails as rude or heartless. She has tried to get my message across in better ways, but to me I was to the point and removed emotion from my responses. I guess in me making it to the point and unemotional I came across as rude as I didn‘t say it in a ‗nice‘ way or I was disrespectful. Such elements to a dyslexic are lost on them. At my teaching practice for a recent course, I was told off for writing business emails (to the point etc) and missed off ‗niceties‘ making my email rude. The inability to read such signals now seems to me, as intrinsic to dyslexics. „I recently got married and my husband is dyslexic with a speech pattern issue, and difficulty forming and communicating thoughts to get his point across. We are really starting to struggle with the communication challenges this creates. It wasn't so bad when we were dating because we were not together in the same household like we are now.‟ (TXgirl, 2011). The evidence also suggests that dyslexics have problems pronouncing difficult multisyllable (multisyllabic) words and will change to easier words to say - to cover up for their difficulties. This could be described as speech blending skills, and difficulty in this is identified as problems with how brains deal with information. I am reminded by the idea that adult dyslexics are not that different to child/teen dyslexics, their difficulties are the same, but what others see as them being cured of their dyslexia, is their ability to look and sound normal. In school children have little scope to change their environment to one more amenable. As adults coping skills are greater, but does this change their underlying problem, I would argue no. They had problems with multisyllabic words in school and they will still as adults. „My patience level is strained and I'm starting to snap at him because when I ask for clarification he gets irritated with me because he is frustrated with the fact he is not being understood. I'm exhausted from this.‟

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Communication Problems and Relationships

105

„Note; other people also have to ask for clarification and my friends have all told me "I cannot understand what he is trying to say to me”. (TXgirl, 2011). Dyslexics can come over poorly in conversations, through a perceived inability to describe events or requests, like to people speaking different languages to one-another, to borrow another analogy, ‗dyslexics are from Mars and non-dyslexics from Venus‘. This is unhelpful in conversations and makes the dyslexic feel they are being misunderstood. Communication problems, tend to affect relationships, which are dyslexia based e.g. use a similar sounding word instead of the one they meant. They have difficulty ordering their ideas, so they might skip between subjects in conversation or talk about something which seems unrelated. They might waffle/ramble and talk a lot, as they are not good at editing or censoring their ideas. When frustrated/stressed/annoyed this can become worse...they may get very annoyed they can't find the right words for what they mean. There might also be an issue communicating via writing for obvious reasons. (I refuse to read or use text messages). If speech is an issue they might be self confidence issues, and avoid talking‟ (BubblerapPrincess, 2011)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

As BubblerapPrincess notes above, the dyslexic faces many communication problems, and these rely on ordering, editing and censoring their ideas to look credible and intelligent. Without this they may waffle or ramble which will be perceived as unintelligence on the part of the dyslexic.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 7

DYSLEXIA AND DATING

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Does School Experience Impact on the Dyslexic’s Self-esteem for Dating to Be Possible? Dating is not easy for any child or teenager. It‘s a highly complex activity requiring high levels of self-esteem and confidence. The dyslexic at mainstream school identifies him/herself as someone with low self-worth and thus finds it hard to accept they have anything to offer others. When the dyslexic first enters mainstream education, either a nursery or primary school, they most likely have not compared themselves to others; and were accepted as individuals by their families with abilities, with a strong personality/identity. As soon as dyslexics enter the education system they begin like other children, to compare themselves to others. They begin to make friends, and soon find that some children like them and others do not. Probably clever children or the ones that ‗can do‘ mix together much easily than those who ‗can‘t do‘. I know from my own children, that very quickly children avoid others that seem a bit slow or backwards. Although children won‘t put it into such words, they realise they aren‘t able to do the same things, and get frustrated more easily. In one of my daughters‘ class a child with unidentified learning needs, screams and fits when he hears loud noises, and is dragged away screaming by several teachers during fire alarms. When I ask my daughters why they don‘t mix with him, even though we are family friends, they just say that he is unlike us. So early on children can sense such things. As a severe dyslexic growing up I was not part of the in crowd and generally mixed with children a few years younger than me, as they were more on my wave length. So if a dyslexic child is perceived as being ‗odd‘ or ‗different‘, its likely that they will be in awe of those who are ‗clever‘ and ‗popular‘, but recognise that they are ‗out of their league‘. No matter how much parents push a child/teenager to mix with ‗the popular‘ kids, if such kids see them as ‗weird‘ or ‗unpopular‘, then it‘s going to be a hard uphill struggle. So when does it change? Good question. I think when dyslexics begin to show their personality and that they have measurable abilities in other areas such as art, drama, sport and public speaking. When the dyslexic shows they are more than just a range of illogical difficulties in the classroom, they will gain self-esteem and self-worth. I know I did. I was amazed to come top of my class for my O‘level (now GCSE) in art, over my more able-bodied and popular peers. This showed me that I could beat the best of the rest. Whilst they got B‘s I got an A! I went onto art college and they went into catering and marketing.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

108

Neil Alexander-Passe

I would strongly suggest that parents of dyslexics or dyslexics focus on abilities and not disabilities. Find out what your child is good at and make them better at it, better than their peers. This way they will regain their self-image and confidence, which will translate in being popular and ‗dateable‘.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Should Dyslexics only Date other Dyslexics? This is an interesting one, it makes me think about should dyslexics date those who are like them, perceived as ‗weird and odd‘ or date the popular kids they really fancy. I know it‘s harsh, and maybe not true. But it needs to be asked. Are they dating other dyslexics because they can, or because they want to? Truthfully, if they are dating other dyslexics because they share a common bond and experiences then that‘s great. I know one of my ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ participants told me how great it was when she shared a university house with other dyslexics. How they all ‗got‘ each other and had a special understanding, that they had never experienced before. Each understood the suffering the other had experienced at school and with family. So dating another dyslexic may give this. It makes me think about Down syndrome couples. I‘m going to be controversial here, are they dating or married because they are likeminded, or that they are unable to date ablebodied people? I‘m glad they have found a soulmate, but if is so great, why are many such couples sterilised so they can‘t have children? I hate such conversations, but it puts a certain slant on dyslexics dating and marrying other dyslexics. Growing up I did not know many dyslexics, in fact none at school, as dyslexia was not that known or generally diagnosed. How many dyslexics do I know now, a few adults socially, but mostly as research participants? Dyslexics generally don‘t advertise their dyslexia – it‘s not seen as a cool disorder/difficulty to have. Thus if its not disclosed, then its going to be hard to find other dyslexics, apart from those in your own or other low ability school classes. From all my research ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ participants, none were dating or married to other dyslexics. I think most dyslexics are attracted to those perceived as ‗normal‘. I would however imagine that in specialist dyslexia school, where everyone is dyslexics, it would be more common to find dyslexics dating each other. In fact I would be amazed if it didn‘t happen. This is the beauty of such schools or institutions; it makes dyslexia ‗normal‘, which must be amazing. It is not something I have ever personality experienced, even at conferences on dyslexia.

Are Dyslexics True to themselves by Hiding their Dyslexic Difficulties when Dating? So you feel you are very open about it, so they blamed the dyslexia not you? Its one of the first thing I say, but I suppose I use it as an excuse. I do not mind telling people I am dyslexic, as it is who you are. I would be lying if I said I do not use it as an excuse. I guess it is because I have been told I am stupid a lot growing up, you are quite eager to tell people the reason

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Dyslexia and Dating

109

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

why you cannot do things. How do people normally react to you telling them you are dyslexic? Most people say „really, you don‟t look dyslexic‟, because I think a lot of people have this perception of dyslexia and disability, they have this idea about people with a disability, and because I‟m quite well-spoken I can get through day-to-day life quite well, I‟m quite good at hiding all the little things I do to get me through it, like you can‟t see the „L‟ on my left hand or the numerous notes I have about „don‟t forget this‟ and things. I am quite good at hiding it so people do not know, or they see things I do not really have. I am confused, first you say that you are willing to be open and tell people you are dyslexic quite fast but also you also say you are good at covering it up. I know. I‟m pretty good at covering up things that I perceive to be my weaknesses. If I say „I‟m dyslexic‟ then it make me quite a creative person, it makes me answer questions in ways that others might not think of then I‟m alright in saying I‟m dyslexic. Anything that might makes people think you should be able to do everyday things, I quite like to hide it, as I don‟t like the idea of being special and needing someone to help you, even though there is no shame in it and you should ask for help, that sort of thing…I don‟t want other people to see me not being able to do what everybody else can do. (Kirsty). As noted earlier, can dyslexics be themselves when they date non-dyslexics? Do they try and be people they are not? If they are true to themselves then that‘s great, but I think most try and cover up their difficulties or as they see them, their ‗inadequacies‘. Whilst I‘m not saying that dyslexics should wear badges ‗dyslexic and proud of it‘, they should own up to their difficulties. Rather than try and remember their partners names and fail and them look stupid. If they are open and honest, maybe make a joke of it, then the pressure will be lower and the conversation will be more relaxed. Okay, have I ever hidden my dyslexia? I‘m trying to think about a time when I have done this. I can‘t cover up my stammer, so I think if they knew I had a stammer and were fine with that, then dyslexia and a shoddy short-term memory wouldn‘t have been such a huge problem. Comparing my stammer to my dyslexia, I think my stammer was more of a problem, and caused me lower self-esteem. At what point did I tell my dates I had dyslexia? I don‘t know, I think my short-term memory was fairly obvious, so I think I was quite truthful. Okay, maybe I did cover it up a bit, as it was to make me seem more normal. But looking back it hasn‘t been my main problem. From the ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ study, I know that most partners understand their dyslexic other halves. They are used to dealing with the paperwork and all things official like forms. As one participant said to me, they deal with the big issues, like who they should vote for, local politics and should the country have nuclear weapons? And their partners deal with the detail and the little things like money. Okay I think he was missing the point, but it demonstrates that most people rise above the difficulties of dyslexia and as they say, ‗love conquers all‘. Another participant told me that they devised the dinning room table into two, one half was disorganised and messy for them (dyslexics can be very disorganised) and the other half was tidy for their partners. Susan in this study also remarks that her dyslexic partner has a ‗dyslexic pile‘ which is very messy and disorganised, and full of paperwork to attend to but never is.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

110

Neil Alexander-Passe

Dyslexics Dating „I long to date someone who truly understands... what I am finding is dating usually involves text messaging these days eeeerrrgggh! And have been dumped for not replying to texts and for something I said by text! (Yes unbelievable!)‟ (Andy, 2011). „When I am with my boyfriend, I get so nervous of saying something stupid or wrong, that I start mumbling and mixing up my words. Instead of "car park" I came out with “par cark” or I'll forget things easily, quoting films or lyrics is a total no-no for me, and don't even ask me to tell you the names of actors. Yet he walks around talking and reciting all these things with no bother, and looks at me funny as if I'm stupid for not knowing what he's talking about.‟ (Depressedgirl, 2011). „The issues that tend to affect relationships, which are dyslexia based, are usually (BubblerapPrinces, 2011): 

  

Memory – e.g. Forgetting special occasions, or having difficulty remembering to do things like the washing up. They often lose things like their keys, phones, or other important items. Some of us find it hard to listen to people, especially in noisy environments, and can forget what has just been said to them. Difficulty with time – e.g. They are chronically late, early, or a mix of the two... Poor Organisational Skills - e.g. They are skatty and live in a slightly chaotic environment...they find it hard to sort out deadlines or prioritise. Difficulty with writing and reading - e.g. You are left to fill in all forms and handle the finances, they might dislike using cook books, or get funny when you ask them to read something or help them with spelling. They could get angry and defensive.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„Its impossible to get ordinary people to understand any of the problems that come with my dyslexia‟ (Nessebar, 2011). „All of this effects everything in my life…until I die – then they won‟t exist‟ (Nessebar, 2011). „My siblings have watched me fail in school, fail at different career attempts, now they watch me stay single all my life whist they got married‟ (Nessebar, 2011). „This is my dyslexic life, affliction, and struggle‟ (Nessebar, 2011). „Three things I find hard to handle about being dyslexic are (Musicgirl, 2011): 



I‟m often forced to focus on my weaknesses not my strengths. This quite often means I underperform and get drawn into doing low value tasks which I am bad at rather than high value activity at which I excel. One of the things I have found hardest is understanding my strengths and using them effectively. I tend to gloss over or not even notice what I do well and wallow in my shortcomings, this is far from healthy. I struggle to fully comprehend when my dyslexia is having an impact on me and those around me, as opposed to the occasions when I am just ordinarily having a bad time in the same way as everyone has a rough time during their lives. Until I watched a programme about a dyslexic van driver 5 or 6 years ago, I did not understand the reason why I always got lost in Southampton and Milton Keynes might have something to do with being Dyslexic (on the other hand everyone gets lost in MK).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Dyslexia and Dating 

111

My past experiences which I don‟t think are unusual among dyslexics of bullying at school, perceptions of failure, discrimination at work, and fear of being out of work, can at time cause me to feel and express deep emotion. My girlfriend at the time was fantastic at supporting me through this process of effectively coming out at work. The support I got enabled me to get a very significant promotion and eventually run a small public body but it was frightening.

When dyslexics try to date, they are faced with dealing with their demons, the ones they have worked so hard to camouflage and cover-up. How many times can they say they have forgotten a date (time/day), a persons name, their glasses, or have the inability to write something down correctly, before others around them cotton on to something not quite right? „My relationship of ten years is about to finish. I have done everything I can to try and explain how I communicate best and how frustrated I get when I am made to be a liar when I have forgotten if I have told her something‟ (Dan, 2011). „Certain parts of my brain simply won‟t work, it makes me look a fool in public/private relationships‟ (Nessebar, 2011). „I always tell my boyfriend I‟m dyslexic, as it‟s usually pretty apparent when I knock things over or ask how to spell something‟ (Jellycake, 2011). Whilst some tell their partners quite fast as they are unable to cover it up for long, others may wait longer or never tell them and allow their relationship to suffer, before they confess to the underlying difficulty.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„My own boyfriend treats me like I'm stupid, "ditsy" and a total bimbo. He even muttered under his breath one day "stupid" because I was so scared of using a self service in the shop in case I made a mistake, or was too 'stupid' to be able to work it. The thing is, this makes me worse and causes me anxiety.‟(Depressedgirl, 2011). The anxiety of not confessing to difficulties or partners not really understanding dyslexia when they are told about it, causes a great deal of anxiety, and any slip up that shows up their dyslexia in a negative light is often met with frustration and anger. Such anger comes not only from their own inability to understand the problem, but perceiving that their partner‘s difficulties reflect badly on them, which only ignites the anger, as ‗Depressedgirl‘ found. „From the age of seven I knew I would never ever get married. I knew I would never be in a relationship, and I knew I would never have a girlfriend. I have tried to date twice but it was a disaster. I knew I never wanted children, to procreate and let my name live on‟ (Nessebar, 2011). Those who have tried relationships with non-dyslexics and experienced negativity and anxiety may choose to exclude themselves from anxiety and conclude they will never settle down in a relationship. „I spent so much time handing things to my boyfriend and saying "do that math thing where you work out how much this costs and it's actually the same as what the cashier says," or "can you spell check this thing I just wrote? How about check all the grammar?" that I have been accused of just dating him as I am too lazy to carry around a spell checker or a

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

112

Neil Alexander-Passe

calculator. I assure him this isn't true, he can also read to me. Until a pocket sized text to speech reader is invented our relationship is safe‟ (Quote, 2011). It can be quite useful for a dyslexic to have a non-dyslexic partner, as it allows a free spellchecker and organiser, however this is not an ideal situation as dyslexics do need to cope by themselves and not have a chaperone with them at all times. „Both me and my boyfriend are dyslexic by chance and what are his weaknesses are my strengths and his strengths are my weaknesses so it works out quite well, mind you I cant say I don‟t get annoyed when he has lost his keys for the 15th time in as many minutes and we are in a rush‟ (Sgoodie66, 2011). However when dyslexics choose to date other dyslexics, they may find that they are better understood and they have a greater understanding of each other‘s problems and each others strengths and weaknesses.

Dating Dyslexics – the other Side of the Coin „My boyfriend is 29 and has dyslexia and it really affects every aspect of his life. I think the biggest problem is that he is so ashamed of it and of people judging him that he keeps it a secret. (Ec07733, 2011).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„He won't work for someone else because he feels embarrassed in case he has to fill out forms etc‟ (Ec07733, 2011). „I think this is one of the battles of dyslexia, not wanting to admit it or feeling ashamed, at least, it is for my boyfriend. I say to him 'why don't you just let people know? At least then, they know the issues and that you are aware of them' but I think this is easier said then done. He is just so embarrassed. I can't understand it but then, I do not have dyslexia‟ (Ec07733, 2011). „It seems like her big problem is that she has low self-esteem. This limits her in how honest she is with herself and in what she can achieve. I think that most of her issues stem from her emotions. If I had to say what I perceived as the crux of her problems, they would be depression and dyslexia‟ (Dyslexianship, 2011). „I felt that she was being lazy or just didn't care. Now I realize that she doesn't deal with her issues because she has never learned how dyslexia affects her and that is hard for her to realize because of her low self-esteem and depression‟ (Dyslexianship, 2011). There seems to be a running theme that partners have identified that their partner‘s dyslexia causes them to feel embarrassed by it, or they are embarrassed to tell others about it, probably due to previous negative experiences with others at school, the workplace or in social settings. However they are unlikely to have ever experienced such embarrassment before and find it hard to understand and be empathetic to such issues. „I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months now. He told me has dyslexic on our second date. He also mentioned that he has poor short term memory. I am obviously uneducated on the subject, this sounded like "I can't read and I am lazy and/or stupid” to me‟ (Isleshe, 2011).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Dyslexia and Dating

113

„I have been together with my boyfriend for the last 6 months and a week ago he told me that he is dyslexic. Now this explains most of the things such as the reasons he can't do math, many spelling mistakes, taking long time to read... (Yes, I never realized he was dyslexic!!!)‟ (Binur, 2011). He only told me 2-3 years into our relationship and I could see that he was so embarrassed‟ (Ec07733, 2011). „I believe he trusts me well enough that he shared this with me, which is great and I feel proud that he told me this. Of course I understand his reasons for not to tell me this before‟ (Binur, 2011). It is important for dyslexics to tell partners of their difficulties, as this will be a reasonable explanation for their sometimes strange behaviour and their inability to turn up on dates on time, or on the right day. But to do so requires a fair bit of confidence in their new partner that they will be understanding and not see them as disabled by their dyslexia, but just slightly hindered by it. Most of the time dyslexia is seen by others as problems reading and writing, and this drives misconceptions in the general public. As soon as dyslexics disclose their difficulties, then both them and their partner will learn it‘s a complex disorder which can vary day to day (many dyslexics have good-days and bad-days, where they can spell on day and not the next).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„My boyfriend is 29 and has dyslexia and it really affects every aspect of his life. I think the biggest problem is that he is so ashamed of it and of people judging him that he keeps it a secret. He only told me 2-3 years into our relationship and I could see that he was so embarrassed‟ (Ec07733, 2011). Relationships rely on trust, and for a dyslexic to trust someone else enough to tell them they are dyslexic, it takes a long time for their guard to be dropped, dropped to allow the possibility that their partner is aware of dyslexia, and will not make fun of their difficulties as they experienced in school. „He is terrible with finances; he has all the right intentions but putting them into practice doesn't happen. He never checks his change because he gets muddled up, can never budget etc. He has poor name/face retrieval - I think most names in his phone are wrong but he knows who they are, substitutes names with the same letter. He's constantly late for everything and can never keep track of time. I am always saying to him “why can't you think of the bigger picture” and this seems to be one of the symptoms. He loses everything, constantly. Most days start with a search for the car keys. He hates playing games because he can't keep up, loses track easily. And now I feel terrible because I only found out his hatred for games after a friend organised 'games night' and I said he had to participate‟ (Wintage, 2011). „She needs to want to help herself, and sometimes the best thing to do is to stand well back and let things go to hell for them. Let her run out of money, let her forget the food, let her be late to parties, let her university work be sub standard...but make sure you are not involved. It sucks, but constantly bailing them out just puts off the inevitable crash and burn. The longer you put it off the more epic it will be. My ex and I are still friends, but it took dropping out of university, me dumping him, and having to go back to live with his parents, before he actually

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

114

Neil Alexander-Passe

decided to take control of his own life. He now has a job and has developed coping strategies. Before this I did everything I possibly could to help him, and it didn't work. It just messed up my life and caused a lot of resentment two years later. I mean the shopping list thing? Constant source on contention. He knew he needed the list and the only thing he needed to do was remember to look at it. My memory is worse, and I am severely dyslexic, but I could do that, we can do these very simple things. I took to writing it on his hand...even that didn't always work. I took over all the finances; I had his deadlines on my calendar, a copy of his time table. I mean you can do things like this to get things done, but you will find you are doing the upper brain work of two people. You can't sustain that, and it will mess up your life and cause you nothing but stress and pain‟ (Bubblewrapprincess, 2011). „As for my ex, she functions well enough in her life, but it isn't easy for her. She only needs financial help every once in a while‟ (Dyslexianship, 2011). „You need to step back otherwise he will be too dependant. At first it will be horrible but after a while he will just have to learn to cope on his own‟ (BubblewrapPrincess, 2011).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„I know if someone else is prepared to do it for me I won‟t try half as hard and well, why would I?‟ (BubblewrapPrincess, 2011). Here are two arguments concerning dyslexics and organisation skills. One argument is to take over organising financial matters (paying bills on time) and paperwork. Another from a dyslexic (Bubblewrapprincess) argues that if a partner takes over these tasks, the dyslexic will never learn to conquer their difficulties and ‗take control of their lives‘. Of course this comes down to the severity of the dyslexia and the relationship, but if the partner wasn‘t there the dyslexic would be forced to cope. Two thoughts come to mind, my wife calls me her 5th child which I think refers to her perception that she needs sometimes to organise me and remind me to do tasks, this doesn‘t mean I avoid tasks, but I may need constant reminding – just like a child. Secondly, the reason why the British Dyslexia Association was created in the UK by parents of dyslexics, was the perceived inability of dyslexics to advocate for themselves. Finally they have a dyslexic President, but much of the organisation is run by non-dyslexics. Dyslexics need to advocate for themselves, and if partners take on important functions of life (dealing with finances, shopping, organising social events etc) then this will not empower dyslexics in society. „My boyfriend is dyslexic and has huge problems with time management. Last night we went to the theatre. I asked him to meet me outside the theatre at 7 as the friend who had got us free tickets asked us to be there at 7.15. I tried to call my bf at 6.40 three times and eventually he called me back at 7 saying he was leaving the house. I was furious! I had a massive go at him as it felt really stupid in front of my friends who are never late and neither am I. And if we are it's because of something really unusual. One thing I absolutely can't stand about people is when they are late. He did come in the end at 7.25 and we just made it. I tried to talk to him about it after the show as I obviously wasn't very happy with what had happened. He just got upset and started telling me I have high expectations of people. I tried to talk about it and asked him what I could do to help him but he just told me to f**k off‟ (Tomek, 2011). „I asked him several times to be at mine at 7 or 8 and it was always after 9 anyway. I was trying to be understanding and eventually we came up with the solution that he would be Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Dyslexia and Dating

115

coming to me on Fridays at 9 and if it's any later than that he will let me know. I really can understand if someone is late because of traffic jam or something sudden but I find it hard to accept it when he just turns up anytime he makes it. I know some people are relaxed about it but I am always trying to make sure we have a nice time when he comes over so I cook for him and I need to know what time he's going to come to get everything ready‟ (Elizabeth1986, 2011). „He is the most forgetful person I‟ve ever met, like a goldfish and very easily distracted‟, „the best solution is to actually write on him, and otherwise the list will be lost, destroyed or forgotten. I write in bright purple on his hand‟ (BubblewrapPrincess, 2011). „Mind you I cant say I don‟t get annoyed when he has lost his keys for the 15th time in as many minutes and we are in a rush‟ (Sgoodie66, 2011). It‘s hard for a non-dyslexic partner/friend/work colleague to grasp a dyslexic‘s difficulty with time. Its not just about turning up to places on time, but the ability to judge how long certain tasks take e.g. to complete writing a letter, preparing a meal, travelling to a destination etc. The memory of a ‗goldfish‘ is a common theme heard about dyslexics, as I know from person experience I can go upstairs to get something at home and forget why I went there, or forget within 2 seconds whether I locked my front door/car door. This is puzzling to many and in dyslexics can create obsessive compulsions to check and recheck things time and time again e.g. 15 times in a few minutes as noted above.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„Try asking him what it is that frustrates him, is it not being able to get the words out, is it that fact that he may feel he has to hurry the words out in case someone tries to say it for him? If that‟s the case, when I try to explain things and stumble over my own words, a caring hand on my knee or on my hand often helps to reassure me that it‟s ok, take your time there‟s no rush, cos if you do feel pressured to get the words out it can often make it even harder.‟ (Shortstuff, 2011). „When you said, "Note; other people also have to ask for clarification and my friends have all told me "I cannot understand what he is trying to say to me", that can‟t be very nice for him.‟ (Shortstuff, 2011). „You will be able to improvise and gently step in when you can see your husband has lost/confuse your friends, so you can then continue from where he leaves off, but explain to him you are not jumping in to be rude, you are doing it so he doesn‟t get frustrated at trying to say it all again, maybe making it like its your friends fault for not understanding him.‟ (Shortstuff, 2011). Communication problems are common in dyslexics, and this affects their ability to talk to others in social settings. As noted earlier the problems are numerous, from having problems pronouncing multisyllabic words (the one that comes to mind is phenomena) and choosing shorter words to say but this makes the dyslexic look unintelligent (which if course they are not), to forgetting the earlier parts of the discussion/argument (due to their short-term memory deficit) and coming out with something inappropriate, or even coming out with odd things to say, from their divergent thinking and alternative neural wiring. I‘m not giving dyslexics an excuse for talking gibberish, but just giving an explanation for why difficulties exist.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

116

Neil Alexander-Passe

Other communication problems can crop up with partners when dyslexics seem unable to explain how they are feeling or are unable to talk for a long time about ‗relationship or emotional issues‘. They will turn off during long conversations. This also relates to them giving very short answers to complex questions or letters/emails. This may come across as them not being interested or bothered, but the real answer is that the are unable to explain themselves easily (in writing and verbally), they forget the start of the conversation and are unable to think of what to say, or as soon as letters/email/conversations are longer than a minute or so they have data overload and their brains will just turn off (there is a limit to how much will fit onto a 1mg memory stick! - when it gets full it just stops). „In a way I am very scared coz I don‟t know how much I understand him and most of the times I feel like I or my needs are not heard...I have to tell him one thing many times‟ (Binur, 2011).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„He believes that he is stupid and doesn't think there is anything that he can do about it. I know he's a smart guy, but his past and his insecurities about his Dyslexia are keeping him in a job he hates. He wants to go to college, but his fear of failure and feelings of inadequacy are holding him back. In the year since we've started dating, I've spent countless hours researching, but somehow I still don't feel like I'm helping him despite the knowledge I've gained. I also feel that my being a University student might be making him feel inferior based on comments he's made and his strong aversion to visiting my campus. His friends and family re-affirm his insecurities (i.e. asking him why an intelligent girl would want to be with a guy like him)‟ (Guest, 2011). Dyslexics through many years of abuse in school have a very low self-image and selfconcept of what they can and can‘t do, which results in them being highly insecure about work and their ability to hold themselves among their peers. This can mean they are stuck in dead-end jobs and in careers they do not enjoy, as they feel unable to seek their potential or their dream career. The fear of failure is huge and non-dyslexic partners are bemused by this as its so different to their own vision of life, school, university and the workplace. As they say, only a goldfish knows what its like inside a goldfish bowl. How would they describe it to us. Whilst empathy from non-dyslexic partners goes a long way, understanding isn‘t truly going to happen, which is why dyslexics who have suffered tend to choose partners who are either like them (troubled souls) or those who may in some way fix them. I know from personal experience I was attracted to two girls to try and be fixed, one a drama student and part-time clown (for my stammer), and one a primary school teacher (for my dyslexia).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 8

DYSLEXICS AND MARRIAGE The Dyslexic’s Perspective „Last week my counsellor picked up on my dyslexia and asked if this was a third person in our marriage‟ (Ash, 2011) „I felt she was doing too much so I asked her to leave me notes of jobs that would help and this would only work if she put them on the front door, so I saw it every time I went out‟ (Kevinx41, 2011). „My routines worked well for me, but I think it got on her nerves and changed her for the worse, and eventually we got divorced‟ (Kevinx41, 2011). „My wife tries to keep reminding me to do tasks and stuff but I struggle to remember‟ (Lomo, 2011).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„My husband gets very frustrated at times with my dyslexia‟ (Dizzydyslexic, 2011). I‘m not going to say being married to a dyslexic is easy, but any marriage is challenging. Each brings different things to a relationship, and this section tries to identify the elements related to dyslexia that could cause possible problems and divorce. Ash above notes a counsellor thought dyslexia was a third person in their relationship, I think this describes how much dyslexia can impact on a relationship. Kevin41 notes that whilst he put in place strategies and routines to minimise the effects of the dyslexia, these were a problem with his partner. Most individuals do not reply on numerous strategies to cope, although driving is one of the most common ones (most drive in an automatic state, where they do not realise all the checks they make and they forget the things they see). „I friend told me recently that I would always shout about me and my dyslexia and "ram it down" other peoples throats. I think this stems from my own basic insecurities about communication and the fact that I cannot process very well written or verbal communication despite my high level of intelligence. I think I fear that other people would think I am an idiot for some of the things that I say which is why I pre-empt the subject so that other know I have a problem. My friend says that if I say something stupid I should apologise after. The point is I don't know if I have or if I haven't. These are just words that I use and if they come out wrong I do not know it unless someone else tells me‟ (Ash, 2011).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

118

Neil Alexander-Passe

„My problem is I just sound either arrogant or ignorant and oblivious to other people‟s sensitivities. I do not mean this to be the case and have told people in the past that this is a problem so that they understand that I have difficulties. However having said that even telling them about the condition does not stop them thinking that I am ignorant or arrogant so what is the point!‟ (Ash, 2011). As noted earlier, communication problems in dyslexics are factors that can affect relationships, in that dyslexic partners, due to their dyslexia have problems being coherent in conversations with others, at times they can come out with some very strange ideas based on their alternative wiring, making them find divergent thoughts and then lacking the sense to check if such thoughts are suitable for the conversation they are taking part in. In some ways this is similar to those with Aspergers or Autism, they are unaware of unwritten social rules and therefore can come across at times as weird or insecure to those who are unaware of how dyslexia can affect individuals. Ash above tells of telling people about his dyslexia to preempt them thinking he is weird of different, but in doing so he is accused of ramming dyslexia down everyone‘s throats – which is better?

Marrying a Dyslexic – The other Side of the Coin „We have been married just over a year now, I knew he was dyslexic when I met him, but I have to confess I was totally ignorant as to what that meant. I honestly thought he would just have a bit of trouble playing scrabble with me – obviously I know better now. It‟s so complicated and I don‟t know what to do to help‟ (Wubblywubb, 2011).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„When I met my husband I was taken away by this charm, confidence and determination‟ (Sue, 2011). The evidence above suggests that many non-dyslexic partners of dyslexics are blown away with the quirky charming nature of dyslexics, with their wit and personable character, but in a marriage things can change. Living with a dyslexic on a daily basis one begins to see patterns and how strong their routines are; in some cases they can seem compulsive. Wubblywubb was in his own words ‗totally ignorant as to what [dyslexia] meant‟ and how it affects all aspects of an individual‘s life. To some dyslexics it can be more than a lifestyle choice; it‘s a lifestyle curse. „I‟ve tried posting notes to remind him of chores as well as having everything organised and in a routine for him. I‟m finding it extremely draining to do everything for us, remembering everything for both of us!!! „I'm struggling to encourage him to take the initiative to try strategies, but we always end up in arguments where he tells me that this is the way he does things. He‟s lost his confidence. I‟m emotionally and physically drained with trying to constantly organise and keep everything on track from sorting out the finances, to remembering the shopping, to managing his university work etc…the list is endless. Help!!!‟ (Sue, 2011) „We manage to cope with the day to day responsibilities pretty much now. I have leaned to accept that when he doesn‟t do something, it‟s not because he doesn‟t care, it‟s simply

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Dyslexics and Marriage

119

because he forgot, and I don‟t get angry now. We tend to get around it by giving him one task at a time to focus on‟ (Wubblywubb, 2011). In all relationships there is a share of responsibilities, all vary, but in a marriage with a dyslexic, the non-dyslexic partner can take on a huge percentage of the chores that dyslexics find challenging/difficult. These can include making shopping lists, doing shopping, taking telephone calls, taking messages, making social plans, making sure birthday cards are written/sent on time, dealing with any sort of forms, dealing with payments (mortgage, credit cards, bank accounts, utility bills), taxation, all things to do with school e.g. dealing with teachers, lunch money, play dates etc. The list is endless and this is why some non-dyslexics partners (including my own wife) calls me her ‗other child‘. In some ways, the partner takes on all major responsibilities and this burden can be frustrating and exhausting, ‗I‟m emotionally and physically drained with trying to constantly organise and keep everything on track‟. One could argue that its not fair on a non-dyslexic partner to take on such a burden, but as most dyslexics are successfully married, there must be enough reasons to suggest there is a quid-pro-quo and the burden is either manageable or most dyslexics learn to do many of these tasks themselves. As BubblewrapPrincess noted earlier, if a partner takes on all the burden/tasks, why should a dyslexic offer to do them themselves? An alternative argument could be the dyslexic actually managed before marriage to some degree, so they should empower themselves by continuing in this manner, and hopefully improve with practice. „After a few months of marriage I knew he was dyslexic, but it has been a long road for him to accept it (his diagnosis) and I try and be supportive in any way possible‟ (Sue, 2011).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„He also needs a lot of acknowledgement and positive reinforcement I find, because he generally is unjustly hard on himself‟ (Wubblywubb, 2011). „I would also look at what has changed in your wife, there are well known changes that happen in middle age that can drastically affect the relationship. I am speaking from personal experience here, it was a few years of "rough patch" before we realised. It also coincided with me finding out I was dyslexic‟ (Pete, 2011). „I fell to bits when I found out I was dyslexic last year‟ (Bogbrushhair2007, 2011). Partners of dyslexics soon see that dyslexia affects more than just reading, writing and numeracy. They see that past failure at school, university and the workplace can cause dyslexics to self-doubt their own abilities in a huge way. When partners find out about their own dyslexia, they then need to deal with a huge repositioning of themselves in the world. It‘s a huge thing to deal with, thinking all your life you were thick and stupid, then find out your are not, which then leads to blaming parents and teachers. „To my mind, discovering he was dyslexic started the process that is very similar to a grief cycle (these are the states that you go through when you had a traumatic experience, such as the death of a close relative). The stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, Depression, acceptance. Whilst the stages may not accurately fit every dyslexic, you may find there is more in common than you think. 

For many dyslexics once they have been diagnosed, they realise that they have displayed clear symptoms and behaviours related to dyslexia but have chosen not to

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

120

Neil Alexander-Passe







notice them. Most if not all dyslexics have great skills at avoiding "those awkward tasks". The anger phase comes in at a point when you ask, why did no one notice this earlier, why did my school not pick this up? The bargaining phase this begins as you start to make trade-offs, recognising the skills that you have, which bid to find difficult and how you can work around. The depression phase, this is when you realise that things you have always found difficult when others have found it easy, is down to dyslexia. It's a bit like realising that for your whole life you have been playing football on a pitch which goes uphill, and you have always been on the far side of the pitch. The acceptance phase, this is when you finally achieve a balance, you become happier with yourself, more confident in your areas of success and more able to explain to others the areas you find difficult.

The cycle is not one that is simply gone through once, you may go through it many times, each time you suffer a knock you could take another trip around the circle, gradually putting your life into order. The good news is you do get to acceptance.‟ (Nick, 2011). Nick, whose partner found out she was dyslexic notes in a very logical way the stages of dealing with the news of the diagnosis. He recognises the importance of the diagnosis, but also the pain their partner went through to come to terms with it and its implications for life.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„Our marriage is nearing breaking point and one of the main problems is communication. My husband of 7 years is 43 years old and only recently diagnosed as Dyslexic‟ (Tracy, 2011). „I make the situation so much worse by my frustration and even anger at lack of clarification, conversations going in different tangents etc, etc.....We have both agreed that I may as well be speaking Japanese and Peter Italian. It is no wonder neither one of us feels heard within our relationship‟ (Tracy, 2011). „I too was just married, well a year and a half ago. And it is the same, when we were dating the communication problem did not exist but now it is on the verge of breaking us up. He swears he told me something and in reality what he said does not even closely resemble what he meant. And he is constantly telling me "You never told me....." and I know perfectly well that I did or he totally misunderstands what I say. Unfortunately he does not recognize that the problem is because of his dyslexia. I don't know what to do any more.‟ (AmmM, 2011). Good communication is vital to any relationship, and the absence of this can make living with someone on a daily basis unbearable to some. When one looks at the classic symptoms of dyslexia, communication problems are not listed, which means no one really recognises it as intrinsic to dyslexia. This means both the dyslexic themselves and their partner is unaware of its impact, which is why books such as this are important to understand the affect dyslexia can have.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Dyslexics and Marriage

121

Are Long-term Partners of Dyslexics Helpful/sympathetic? She [my partner] is very sympathetic and can identify with it, she is a goddess, I couldn‟t cope without her, she does all the organising, puts the bills away, she‟s very very understanding, very supportive. (Adrian). Do you rely on your wife to do paperwork or your diary? I do my own diary, despite today‟s mix-up with this interview. With the household budget and bills like that. I would hold the big picture but she would sort out the attention to detail as I might get into minor trouble if it was not for her. I do have the ability to see the big picture but not the day-to-day detail. So yes, she deals with that aspect. We have a shared dining room table, across my half are piles of papers, so I‟m quite disorganised and I get frustrated when I can‟t lay my hand on something, this frustration comes into everyday things. (Brian).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Do you rely on Katie to do your paperwork and to book in things? No, I am responsible for booking stuff in, if you look at my office I have a board, as she has tried to make things visual for me, the board shows all the jobs and a year planner. I keep that as a back up to what is in my head. She is responsible for answering most of the phone calls, sending out the brochures, everything else like tax, as I am dreadful at that. When I was on my driving test, I had to read back a number plate; he said „you are hopeless‟. I have a dreadful memory for birthdays. If Kate would offer me £50 for me to tell her the right day of the week, I could not honestly say if it was the 30th or the 31st. Recently I find when I‟m taking telephone messages I get numbers, all the letters and numbers right but they are all in the wrong order…If someone tells me a number over the phone, I can repeat it back wrongly five times, I get a six and a nine confused along with a „b‟ or „d‟ and I ask myself „why doesn‟t it make sense‟, I have a big problem with that. (Peter). Is your partner dyslexic? No, he‟s not, but he is very supportive. Does it seem sometimes that you are both very different? Yes, I would say that one of the things that happened when he married me was that he had to learn about dyslexia. He does things for me that we have decided between us, as it is difficult for me to do them, that is it better if he does them. Like paperwork? Yes. I mean sometimes he will do a certain amount of it or I will start it and say „look I‟ve been struggling with it, can you check it as I just unable to cope with it‟, especially forms and quite a bit of our financial life, he takes over. (Trixie). How are you at dealing with bills, forms and paperwork? Not very good at all, I am getting better…well saying that… I have burying your head syndrome. I did a few years ago and got myself into a lot of trouble; it was just before I had my son. I nearly got the house repossessed; fortunately, my son‟s dad sorted that out for me. Today? Oh no, I always get bank charges for paying too late. I do try but it is not a routine. With everything else…, I am hopeless with money. (Rachel). I use my long suffering wife as a secretary and as „reminder‟ (sic), so avoiding mundane clerical paperwork. (Jasper). The above interview evidence suggests that partners of dyslexics are on the face of it, understanding and make allowances. It would be very hard to find out whether they really resented it. My non-dyslexic wife jokes that I‘m her fifth child (I have four children) which whilst it sounds funny, it suggests that she resents in some ways my strange ways, that she

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

122

Neil Alexander-Passe

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

needs to give me a list of things to work on (e.g. hovering the house, pay xx bill, chase suppliers etc). She says I very good with lists and can methodically work through them and get more done. In all relationships there is a sharing of duties and I know in my case I‘m okay with banking and bill paperwork, whereas she hates it and avoids it. So really one should recognise that we are all good at things and that no one is good at everything. It would be interesting to know if many non-dyslexic partners see their dyslexic partners as another child. A famous dyslexic billionaire (Sir Richard Branson owner of Virgin Atlantic Airways) is severely dyslexic. He relies on a team of helpers to run his private office. This includes reading out his mail to him, dealing with paperwork, writing letters for him etc. He is brilliant at business but lousy at the mundane paperwork, so he delegates. Thomas West, the leading dyslexic author of ‗In the Mind‘s Eye‘ argues that most jobs with the word ‗operator‘ will become redundant soon due to automation and industry will only thinkers and strategists. However his book first came out in 1991, and we are now in 2011/12, so even 20 years later his hypothesis has not been played out yet. So we can now ask, will it ever? Maybe we need to use the Branson model more and just delegate all tasks we are not good at – but if we do that how will we ever get better at it. This is a never-ending argument! Reiff et al. (1997) argue a supporting adult (e.g. partner/parent/friend to check spelling, read, answer letters/time management) is one of the factors influencing success in dyslexic adults.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 9

PARENTHOOD CHOSING TO BE A PARENT

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

As a Dyslexic, would you Want your Children to Suffer Like you at School? As noted in my introduction, this is a really hard/emotive topic and as I noted I have not met any dyslexic research participant that has said that they did not love their dyslexic child. They are strongly protective of any dyslexic child as they want to stop them suffering at school. Do they feel guilty about having a dyslexic child? Again a hard one, I think most are happy and sad. Happy that they can relate to their child and in many cases act as a mentor to them. But sad that they are battling with schools for their children, and battling with an educational system that has not evolved since they were at school. Also, they are sad their children are suffering like they did at school. So to answer the question, I think most dyslexics would want to save their dyslexic children from hardship. I‘m unsure they recognise that the hardship they experienced has made them into stronger people, more determined and given them empathy.

Is it your Moral Duty to Stop further Hardship in the World by not Having a Dyslexic Child? Again this is a really hard question. I have never met a dyslexic who resents having a dyslexic child. I think this is where guilt comes into it. Do they feel guilty having a dyslexic child? None I know have admitted it. One could argue that as dyslexics generally marry or have non-dyslexic partners, that they are conscious in a choice to have ‗normal‘ children. We will discuss what is ‗normal‘ in later chapters. However I do know some dyslexics who have suffered so badly that they would not want children at all, to not even take the chance of having a dyslexic child. Parallels could be made with a ginger-haired adult not wanting a ginger-haired child, as they had the mickey taken out of them at school – no gene is perfect. The Nazis tried this line of enquiry, and it didn‘t end well. They now offer gene therapy on the sex of your child. Do we want a perfect race? One person‘s perfection is another person‘s imperfection. Or do we enjoy imperfection or individuality?

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

124

Neil Alexander-Passe

Is it Right to Bring Dyslexic Children into a World where Education Is Unsuited to them? This is also a hard subject to contemplate. Maybe comparison should be made to other disorders e.g. Aspergers, Autism or Downs Syndrome. Is it selfish to have a disabled child? Is it selfish to have a child that will firstly suffer in school, secondary struggle to cope with normal society and peers, and lastly struggle to be self-sufficient? Talking to parents of disabled children (I cover a wide group here e.g. Aspergers, Autism, Downs Syndrome and Dyslexia) I am struck by strong parental love and their need to protect their child. However as parents they would normally look towards their child developing independence, go to university, gain employment and start their own family. In the case of a disabled child, parents know the struggles will be different and their child will always be dependant on them – so the child does not grow up. In the case of dyslexics, parents know something is odd early on, odd and wrong. At school they see their child suffer and not attain as expected, and with such knowledge they see the future as bleak. However dyslexics can develop independence, go to university, gain employment and start their own family – I know this as I have. I‘m not saying the journey is always easy and straight-forward, but it is possible. So if you have a dyslexic child, do not fear it, just make allowance for an alternative route to education, university, employment and family life. Success can be achieved, look at Sir Richard Branson, Lord Foster, Charles Schwab and Tom Cruise. They managed it and so can your child.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Are Dyslexics Happy Having a Child who Is Dyslexic? Were you impressed by your wife‟s degree? Oh yes, it was a BSc Philosophy. I suppose in a sub-conscious way, I thought, if we mixed the two together [the genes], maybe I would not end up with three dyslexic children. But I did. That is an interesting idea. You thought about diluting the bad genes Yep. Its potluck, dyslexia normally runs through the father, but three must be rare? You must be the dominate one. Yes. (Malcolm). Malcolm is an interesting case. He questions whether he wanted dyslexic children, in case they suffered as he did in schools and in the workplace. Whilst he might have said in jest that he was looking for a non-dyslexic wife to dilute his so called ‗bad genes‘ it does beg the question about bringing into this world a disabled child and if given the choice would you choose not to, or to use gene therapy. The author has thought hard and long about this issue himself. As a dyslexic and the parent of four children (8yrs, 8yrs, 12yrs, 12yrs) who at present exhibit no signs of dyslexia and who can read and write, he went into dyslexia research for the sole aim to be more prepared than his own parents were in dealing with his dyslexia. It poses a dilemma as firstly he is happy that they are not experiencing problems at school. They achieve ‗A‘ and ‗B‘ grades that he never reached and are getting 9 and 10 out of 10 for spelling tests whereas he only managed to get 5 out of 10 on a good day. Secondly he feels that whilst they look like him they are not like him, as they are not dyslexic and are unable to share that special or warped understanding of being an outsider in this strange world. Is it better to have children

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Parenthood

125

with that special understanding of your own suffering or is it better that they are not dyslexic and don‘t suffer? Empirical evidence suggests a dyslexic child is a dyslexic adult‘s worst nightmare, as it can allow their own childhood horrors to resurface again. A dyslexic parent watching their own child struggle with schoolwork is a poignant experience which can put into context their own lost opportunities. Many dyslexic parents also gain their own diagnosis as a by-product of their children getting diagnosed, thus indicating that modern schools are showing signs of improvement, however as noted in this study such improvement is piecemeal and not consistent around the UK. Scott (2004) notes that dyslexic parents can be both impressive and alarming, but powerful advocates for their dyslexic children, determined that the education of their child does not mirror their own negative experiences. When the dyslexic parent sees their child suffer at the hands of bullies and teachers due to their dyslexia, they can develop guilt for being the one to give their child such difficulties. They can however be a good role model or mentor to their dyslexic child, to show them that having a learning disability does not mean they are unable to work, get married and survive in the world. Thus the dyslexic parent is both a hindrance but also an asset. Scott (2004) notes that unrecognised and diagnosed dyslexic parents can find that the horrors and trauma of their own childhood and resulting anger/teacher resentment can resurface when facing their child‘s teachers, especially when they feel their child‘s difficulties are being ignored (see the chapter of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and such parents need to be careful as their educational helplessness can affect their children and their child‘s perception of school. Such helplessness can include the attitude to homework or towards teachers and authority in general (Congdon, 1995). Such resurfacing of childhood schoolrelated traumas can lead adult dyslexics to learned helplessness, depression, self-blame and self-harm (Scott, 2004). Homework can raise several problems for the undiagnosed dyslexic, and avoidance of reading to their child comes top of such a list. They will pretend to read a story but will interpret the pictures instead. They will also be hopeless in checking homework and assisting in spelling tests. Much of the time they are covering up their own inabilities and insecurities to do with reading and writing and this can be seen in their interactions at work as well. Non-dyslexic spouses or partners can be surprised at home as when their usually welladjusted dyslexic partner can shy away from helping their child with even very basic homework. Dyslexic mothers are especially challenged by having dyslexic children. As they are the main carer, the main liaison with the school and the main parent in charge of homework. To a greater extent than non-dyslexic mothers of school children, the dyslexic mother suffers logistic nightmares as their short-term memory and disorganisation problems are stretched to the limit and beyond. They must be in charge of dropping off and picking up their child on time, dealing with uniforms, packing school bags, making sure homework is done on time and put in school bags on the right date, making sure sports kits are sent on correct days, remember their child‘s teachers name and organise play dates for their child, along with other tasks. The dyslexic parent is not only dealing with their own dyslexic deficits, but their child‘s as well. In many cases the dyslexic parent can get over-protective of their dyslexic child to the detriment of their relationship with their spouse/partner or their non-dyslexic children.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

126

Neil Alexander-Passe

Whilst it can be understandable to protect their suffering dyslexic child due in part to their own insecurities, it can isolate them and the dyslexic child, whilst making the dyslexic child believe that they are abnormal. Thus as Scott (2004) suggests, the more you isolate the more you push the family away, however the more you try and treat the dyslexic child as normal and an equal member of the family, the better chance the dyslexic will have to believe they are normal with the inconvenience of dyslexia.

Will my Children Be like Me? Do I Want them to Be like me? When I tell my kids about my school days they can‘t believe what I‘m saying. My wife tells them it‘s because I‘m dyslexic and was misunderstood at school. But do they get it? I think not. To them my experiences and theirs have no similarity. I‘m never sure if I‘m glad I‘ve not had dyslexic children, or resent my children for not being dyslexic, for not being like me. It‘s like having a child that looks like you, it gives you the reassurance that they are really yours. I‘m lucky, three of mine strongly look like me. When asked in shopping centres (malls to Americans) whether they were my wife‘s children, she would say that one was (the one that looked the most like her) and she was child minding the others. I think it is natural to want clones, to nurture and pamper. I think my research participants are glad that they have a friend and they have a special bond that none else understands. They understand that its important to sometimes miss tests, and that feeling sick before a test is from fear and not from a stomach bug. Such understanding should not be underestimated.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Would I Want any Child of Mine to Experience what I Had? „If my children have it, I‟ve been there and got the t-shirt and may if I ever have them, could help them through it‟ (Dizzyhamster, 2011). „It doesn‟t worry me as I know what to look out for‟ (Jellycake, 2011). „The truth is that both xxxx and myself wish that all our 3 kids will not inherit their father‟s dyslexia. Its not that you can not have a happy life with dyslexia, but it probably be a more difficult one, and why would you wish that for your kids. But marrying a dyslexic has meant our family motto is Charlie Brown says Never ever ever give up‟ (Iris, 2011). I think the special bond is important and although most dyslexic parents want to safeguard their children, so they don‘t experience the hardship at school. I think it helps the parent bond if there is some hardship for their children to experience, so they understand why their parents are how they are. I think dyslexic parents pushing schools hard for their children‘s dyslexia identification and resulting remedial help is vital, and this comes from this empathy of the difficulties faced in mainstream school. So a common experience is important, but hopefully it can be lessened in the second generation. As most dyslexic adults gain their identification through their child‘s diagnosis, children are an important part of the equation, to uncover past wrongs.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Parenthood

127

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How Can I Affect the Future of my Dyslexic Children? Dyslexic parents have a huge part to play in their dyslexic child‘s future. Personally I think top of the list is to develop whatever talents they have and this will aid them developing a positive concept of dyslexia. So they focus on what it gives you rather than takes away. This I think is more helpful then telling your child about famous dyslexics like Leonardo da Vnci and Churchill. Make your examples realistic, find someone local they can talk to. Most nondyslexic parents think their dyslexic child will have no future and will leave school with no qualifications and never get a paid job. This needs to be turned around. In ‗Dyslexia and Creativity‘ it discusses the positive side of dyslexia. Contributing authors Such as Thomas West tell of dyslexics having amazing abilities. Dyslexics can do well in business (e.g. Sir Richard Branson), in architecture (e.g. Lord Richard Rogers), as actors (e.g. Tom Cruise), in finance (e.g. Charles Schwab), and inventing (e.g. John Dyson— check). Sometimes trendy to be dyslexic, but only when you have made it. Getting up the greasy pole it‘s not cool to be dyslexic. However in certain industries e.g. computer gaming, companies actually prefer dyslexics and will openly advertise for them. So I would strongly suggest you look for local mentors, even yourself if you are dyslexic, or friends, especially if you/they have succeeded to gaining a degree or have been a success in business or any industry e.g. a nursing sister, passing a degree, writing a book, working as a graphic designer or an artist. I think it‘s important to young dyslexics to know that there ‗is‘ light at the end of the tunnel. I know that there is much more support for dyslexics in higher education in the UK, with the ‗Disabled Student Allowance‘ available to buy a computer with all the right software e.g. Dragon or a ‗speak to text‘ package, a scanner, along with training required and a digital Dictaphone. I know about these as I have been through the process myself. You get free UK government funding and get to keep the equipment after the course. It‘s a shame that school-aged dyslexics do not get the same support! Later in this book there is a chapter on proposed interventions. This model will explain to you how you can positively affect your dyslexic child‘s future, to develop resilience and a positive frame of mind, in the face of difficulties.

UNDIAGNIOSED DYSLEXIC PARENTS AND DENIAL Covering up their Difficulties? Were your parents helpful and supportive? My dad…wasn‟t that helpful with spellings or handwriting and things, he just told me that my handwriting was a mess, when I asked him to spell things, and we now know why he wasn‟t able to tell me, he would get me to work out what letter it started with to look it up in a dictionary. He now realises, that he didn‟t know himself, but other than that, any questions I had, if dad could show me how to do things he would do. My mum would get me to read words out from the paper, she said she knew the words but couldn‟t pronounce them, but I could and [but] I‟m sure it was some of the disguise, I‟m sure she admits now, was to get me to do the reading, to read stories and stuff. She was supportive, I never felt embarrassed about how I did things. (Emma).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

128

Neil Alexander-Passe

Do you recall your father reading newspapers growing up or book? He has never read a book. I once offered him a book and my mum said „he won‟t read that, he hasn‟t read a book in the whole of his life‟, but he has read newspapers, I know that. He likes puzzles; I have tried to get him into word search puzzles. I know that he never went to school when he was younger, he was always up a bird nest or fixing motorbikes and he was fortunate in his job that he managed to get there, it was years ago, so he never needed to get qualifications. I remember he went to night school to get some qualifications in the end. (Rachel).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How was your father with your homework? He was worried about it, but he didn‟t make any active attempts to do anything. If I couldn‟t spell something, my mum would try and get me to sound it out, he never did that. He would not do the times tables with me either. I realise now it was because he probably couldn‟t spell himself. Therefore, he was keeping quiet to not show up his own problems then? Yes [laugh]. (Trixie). My family weren‟t willing to believe what the teachers were saying. My dad is a very stubborn person and he basically fought…both my father and mother fought, basically when I was diagnosed that was when my father realised he was dyslexic, and up to then he always knew he had a problem with school and with reading and writing, but he didn‟t know what it was. He is an incredibly intelligent person and I think he realised that that was what he had [dyslexia] and now he has been treated and his underlying angers came out. He opened up a lot [Pandora‟s Box] and made sure I got what I needed [educationally] because he never got any form of support or recognition when he was growing up. That sounds very positive, compared to myself that sounds like your family were very supportive? Yes they were. Basically when they realised what it was, they educated themselves about what dyslexia was, they just, I think this is where I get a lot of my positive attitude towards it from, we talked about it [a lot]. I‟m not ashamed to talk about it/admit it. You know in a way I‟m kind of proud of it, because I do like who I am and what I am, and it‟s part of what has made me [who I am]. I don‟t have any issues about it which I know my father does. But I think it was more to do with how he was treated than actually the thing [dyslexia] itself. (Milly). I feel I can‟t change my dad who is dyslexic, as he has a strange relationship with his dyslexia. He has turned down promotions at work for fear that someone would realise that he has a reading and writing problem. He went right up to the third rank, but to go up another rank he would be exposed to those [literacy] issues, so he won‟t. He isn‟t daft, but he won‟t do things because he has issues, but because of the perception of dyslexia there is an issue [in some work places], I on the other hand believe if more of us [are open about it] and not see it as a dirty secret, acknowledge it is there and learn more about it, the next generation doesn‟t have to suffer again and again, so we won‟t end up with half of the depression issues. There is added stress or the extra work of trying to keep up with your peers because of it, because people will not recognise the issue. My son works twice as hard to get where he is but more often than not he is behind anyway and you are not necessarily seen in a good light with/by your peers. (Natasha). You also think your father could be dyslexic? Yes, some of the stuff…, looking back now I can see that he took ages reading a paper, if there was something with sub titles on TV, it was like „I missed it all, I wasn‟t bloody looking‟, but I knew he was looking. So it sounds like he also covered up for his difficulties? Yep. How was he with your schooling? He left it to my mother to sort out. Do you think your father avoided going into school? No, he worked

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Parenthood

129

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

nights. His reason was he always worked nights, because he worked nights and my mum worked during the day. Did you father ever visit the school for you? Not that I‟m aware of. How about parent evenings? No he used to start quite early, from 7pm. My mum finished at 5pm or 5.30pm, the only time she could go to school was later on in the evenings. (Ronnie). The interview evidence above suggests that many of the parents of the above dyslexics had underlying dyslexia, which was not diagnosed in school or at university. It also details the lengths their parents went to cover up for their difficulties. It also suggests that there was no openness in their immediate family about their problems. As a dyslexic myself I have been totally open to my children, family and friends about my dyslexia and my difficulties – we all laugh at my strange mannerisms and my laying the dinner table incorrectly. But we live in modern times. The evidence of the above parents is from a time when dyslexia was not socially accepted or socially tolerated. It was a time when reading difficulties were seen as related to intelligence, thus if you could not read or write to the level of your peers you were seen as stupid and unintelligent, so to hide such difficulties was seen as a defensive mechanism. The pretence of being able to read or write took time and you needed to be very creative to avoid detection e.g. always forgetting your reading glasses, even if you didn‘t have any and you had perfect eyesight. The pretence of covering up ones dyslexia is strong and could be similar to the idea of being a double agent as noted earlier. The frustration that comes from being seen as abnormal is all about this pretence of being normal, which is timeless and indicates parents and their grown up children in this study have similar issues with society. The evidence above details dyslexics turning down promotion due to their dyslexia. They are willing to earn less and not fulfil their potential in life to keep up their pretence. But the pretence is a powerful defence mechanism that is built on many years of suffering at school, being made to feel stupid and ignorant. It was not chosen on a whim, but chosen after trying out many other strategies e.g. asking for help. It has helped long term and when they are finally diagnosed after their own children have been diagnosed, they have such intense anger towards teachers and education that it is almost unbearable to deal with. The question of ‗what could I have been‘ is immense and this unfortunately is taken out on their child‘s teachers and schools when they seem incapable on helping their child learn. At first these parents deny that they have a learning difficulty, then slowly they realise that they have similar problems to their children, and that they need to take ownership to help their newly diagnosed dyslexic child make the acceptance step themselves. It is not easy but it‘s an important step to make. As with the five stages of mourning, acceptance is top of the list to allow the other stages to unfold.

HOW DO DYSLEXIC PARENTS RELATE TO THEIR CHILDREN? Is it Better for a Dyslexic Parent to Have a Dyslexic or Non-dyslexic Child? From the dyslexic parents I have spoken to, they seem to be happy with what life has given them. Given the choice would they have preferred a non-dyslexic child? Malcolm as mentioned earlier tried to gain non-dyslexic children by marrying an academic non-dyslexic

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

130

Neil Alexander-Passe

girl, did it work? No, he has three very dyslexic children. Personally speaking as a dyslexic, I have four non-dyslexic children and I‘m in two minds. I‘m happy they have not struggled at school like I did, but disappointed that no one else in the immediate family is like me, I guess I was looking for ‗team dyslexic‘ who would fight the school system together. I think dyslexia in a family can create rivals within families if there are also non-dyslexic children, as it‘s hard to compare all siblings together. However families I have researched say that nondyslexic siblings are very protective of their dyslexic siblings, so there are mixed blessings. In support of this concept, Morgan and Klein (2003) argue that dyslexic parents can be good advocates for dyslexic children, as they understand both the learning and the social problems involved with mainstream education.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How do Dyslexic Parents Relate to Having non-dyslexic Children? As a dyslexic parent and one who have four non-dyslexic children, I can say I am mystified how they all manage to do well in school and I‘m shocked they get such great grades. I was lucky to get 4 or 5 out of ten, and my children get 9 or 10 out of ten – it doesn‘t seem fair!!! How have they managed to get it so easy? Have the tests been modified and simplified or is this how normal kids experience school, with success and pats on their backs for great achievement. In my earlier research I have found that in families where there are both dyslexic and non-dyslexic children, the dyslexic parent will get very protective of any dyslexic child, to the detriment of any non-dyslexic children. This can create tension with any non-dyslexic partner and any non-dyslexic children. There is a feeling of favouritism and when the dyslexic is the mother, this can create even more tension as in most cases the mother is the main carer and the one helping with homework. This is not to say the above doesn‘t happen in all cases. I personally know cases where the non-dyslexic siblings get very protective of their dyslexic sibling, but also cases where they have resented having to act as a parent to their dyslexic sibling. What is clear is that its not an easy situation to call and any form of favouritism is damaging to the family unit. Saunders (1995) and Smith (1991) report that parents may spend more time/resources on dyslexic children, fuelling resentment by non-dyslexic siblings, the root cause of considerable rivalry. Dyson (1996) notes that such parents expressed feelings of guilt for investing more time on a learned-disabled child than on a sibling that was not. Dyson found that such parents were concerned about how the learned-disabled child felt about their normal sibling being high-achieving. Smith found that non-dyslexic siblings felt embarrassed by their dyslexic sibling‘s behaviour and problems.

DYSLEXIC PARENTS – HOW THEIR CHILDHOOD STILL AFFECTS THEM Morgan and Klein (2003) suggest that school can carry deep scars resulting in feelings of inadequacy, frustration, anger and resentment. Made worse by being mislabelled stupid, lazy, careless, slow-learner, retarded.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Parenthood

131

Did your Parents Recognise your Difficulties/dyslexia? How early did your parents recognise there were problems? They did something about it, I do not know the answer, but they did something about it at an open evening at my school and there was work displayed and they faked all my work. They faked it, really? Yes and my dad turned round to them and said „he didn‟t do that‟ and they said „we couldn‟t show his real work as it was crap‟, you know they did not say crap, but words to that effect, but they could not show it. So that was the moment. How old were you? I was trying to work that about, probably a year or two before leaving junior school, so about nine or ten years old. I know we were doing French, so it was around nine, ten or eleven. (Malcolm). The primary school I was going to at the time, the headmaster was of the opinion that dyslexia did not exist and was some made up term to excuse stupidity. This actual headmaster at my primary school told my parents that I was basically backward and that I would never be educated and never have a job, never have a career and so my parents basically wanted me to go to a different school and tried to get the educational authority to acknowledge that something was wrong. (Milly).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

My mum knew what dyslexia was, as when I was 4yrs old I went to speech therapy as I wasn‟t talking [by then]. Mrs G first mentioned it about then, so pretty much from entering school to 15yrs old, mum tried to get me statemented [to get a statement of special educational needs] for support and stuff, but as you know, as you are older than me, dyslexia was a dirty word back then, so you told a teacher and they would say „it doesn‟t exist, its all mumble jumble and I don‟t buy it‟. (Ronnie). What seems evident from the above evidence is that schools reacted negatively to any mention of a learning difficulty. This may have been defensive, with more to do with covering their butts, that they had not screwed up, than having a genuine concern for the child‘s future. Parents entrust schools with the education of their children, and they see no reason why they can‘t all turnout to be lawyers and doctors. When clever children achieve at school, teachers are more than happy to accept the praise for their effects, but when the child can‘t cope or keep up with their peers, teachers begin to look externally for reasons to the child‘s failure. It must be their family or socio-economic factors. Why not look internally to the school? The teacher has not done his/her job. No, this is not allowed by the teaching profession. It‘s not my fault they say. And thus when a parent says their child has a learning difficulty and they had missed seeing it (even if they had the SEN knowledge and skill) it can be taken as an affront to their professionalism. Also as noted earlier, if the child had progressed through other teacher‘s classes without a learning difficulty being identified, then it must be down to their teaching or the lack of it. So whilst the parent may at some point say ‗my child needs help‘ and ask for help, it does not mean they will get the help requested. Parents entrust teachers and schools to care and educate their children - as surrogate parents (before schools and the industrial revolution, parents taught their children, they did not need or ask for external help – it was the role of the parent). Now teachers are seen as the experts and thus if the school/teacher says your child is immature rather than learning disabled, parents would tend to believe the teacher over their own gut – who are they to question a teaching professional? Morgan and Klein (2003) found

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

132

Neil Alexander-Passe

in their research that some parents were told their child was unmotivated and acting the ‗class clown‘. Or ‗borderline mentally retarded‘ and that their examination results were a ‗fluke‘.

Believing their Child, Not their Child’s Teacher

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Do you think your parents supported you with your difficulties? To the extent, they could. Due of the problems at school, they went there and said that I was having problems, she can‟t do this and that, asking „don‟t you think you should be doing something about it‟? I don‟t think they knew what dyslexia was, so to the extent they tried to help, they tried to explain things to me, but it was still a case of „you have to do essays and you have to learn that way‟ as they didn‟t know anything else, so you can‟t blame your parents for that. If they do not know that there are other ways to teach children, you have no choice. (Kirsty). I was diagnosed when I was 7 or 8, from 78 [1978] or 81 [1981]…I‟m unsure but around that time. When my parents had that sort of information, they were able to, basically start to get the proper education for me and to get me sent to a school that recognised my condition. The primary school I was going to at the time, the headmaster was of the opinion that dyslexia did not exist and was some made up term to excuse stupidity. This actual headmaster at my primary school told my parents that I was basically backward and that I would never be educated and never have a job, never have a career and so my parents basically wanted me to go to a different school and tried to get the educational authority to acknowledge that something was wrong. Well they finally managed to do that and I was sent for the last year of my primary school [education] sent to a different school where I was properly supported, received five hours of intensive English teaching a week from a special teacher who came into my school. Then when I went to my secondary school I again was sent to a different secondary school to the one I should have gone to [according to the proximity to my home] and when I went to that school, it again supported me and my parents bought books for the school library for the teachers and I received education from a specially trained teacher - I received three hours a week through the whole of my years of secondary education. Do you feel you were lucky at the level of support you got? When I know how other dyslexic children and people…when I have met dyslexics my own age and younger I know that I was very lucky. I was lucky because my parents found out what it was, they knew something was wrong and they knew I wasn‟t stupid and it was grandmother who read a newspaper about the dyslexia institute [now dyslexia action] and she paid for me to go to the institute and be assessed. So I was very lucky. My family basically weren‟t willing to accept what the teachers were saying. My dad is a very stubborn person and he basically fought. That sounds very positive, compared to myself that sounds like your family were very supportive? Yes they were. Basically when they realised what it was, they educated themselves about what dyslexia was, they just, I think this is where I get a lot of my positive attitude towards it from, we talked about it [a lot]. I‟m not ashamed to talk about it/admit it. (Milly). How many years would you allow your child to fail at school? To let their peers and younger sibling overtake them in their education? To let them fail their SATS or GCSEs? Are parents too busy to question their child‘s teachers? Allowing each year to be fobbed off by teachers to say that their child will catch up but is immature and needs a bit more time. That their child is normal and is on the lower level of normal. That there is no need to be

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Parenthood

133

concerned, as many in his/her class is having difficulty with the concepts. How long would parents listen to this and not question their gut that this has been going on too long and nothing has been done. Questioning perceived wisdom of teachers is hard to do, as it flies in the face of everything society believes in. Professionals are professionals for a reason, they have trained and qualified in a subject and they are specialists. To question a school or a teacher is not easy and required a huge amount of self-belief and time/effect. Many parents pay many hundreds of pounds/dollars to gain a private educational psychologist assessment of their child, and they gain a report that talks about ‗dyslexic type of difficulties‘ not ‗dyslexia‘, they begin to see that getting the help required is a long drawn out affair with no easy solutions. Many parents subject to income will pay for their child to have a private tutor. I know of some families that sell their prized home and live in a caravan to pay for their dyslexic children to go to a private school or get a private tutor. These are the parents that put their money where their mouths are. Those without the resources will need to battle their school and local educational authority (in the UK) to get a formal assessment of special educational needs and to get the support their child needs in school. This statement gives the school external funding, but in many cases it only gains additional external support of a specialist tutor for 2-3 hours a week, compared to the 30 or more hours without support at the school (schools normally teach a 35 hour week).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

No Parental Support Do you feel you got support from your mum? No, never. My mum worked two jobs [when I was at school]. Therefore, she was not here a lot then No, she had to keep the house (pay the rent and feed us). Did your brothers bring you up? Not really, I suppose people go there separate ways in my family, resources were very minimal. I grew up in an environment which had more competition than I had accepted at that time. So who fed you and helped you with your homework? No one helped me with my homework, I was in the library by myself or with friends. I have been coming to this university library before it was built and [when it was] in the old small building. I can only ever recall taking myself to the library to do my homework. (Jordan). As noted before, parents have an essential part to play in how their children are brought up, however they have delegated part of this role to school. How large the part various on many factors e.g. do both parents work, a single parent family etc. Such factors affect how much the parent relies on the school to bring up their child. I‘m not saying working or singleparent families are wrong and they are not good parents. But it can affect how much time they have to contribute to their child‘s education. Parents think they are doing the best for their child by working to feed and house their child, however if they work all hours, what time do they have for their children. I am fortunate to have had two parents, a father working full-time and a mother working part-time. This meant they had time for me, to help with my homework. I still struggled and I was sent to a tutor to give additional help. Did it mean I didn‘t struggle with school work? No, I did. So how much more would a child whose parents worked all the hours, and the child had to do their homework all by themselves and in some cases feed other siblings and do housework/shopping.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

134

Neil Alexander-Passe

As a parent I will say bringing up children is a very hard task – I have four children. You never get it right, and occasionally you get it really wrong. So all you can do is your best, in supporting your child in their homework. The interview evidence above suggests that as a child of a single parent he had to be self-sufficient to do his homework. One could argue this made him resilient, but others could argue he was neglected. Maybe in hindsight his mother should have thought more about the important time at home after her child had got home from work, to feed and nurture him. However without food and a roof over his head he could have been in a worse situation. As we all know, life is about finding a balance.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Supportive Parents Were your parents supportive of your difficulties? They were very very supportive, but…they couldn‟t understand me, because they had Ben who was academically brilliant and then Simon who wasn‟t brilliant but was a bloody hard worker and they couldn‟t quite understand why I wasn‟t [like either of them]. I used to get in to trouble at school, they both were very good at sport, and I was quite good in some sports. Although that was probably down to teachers having preconceived ideas, my parents used to say „yeh you always blame the teachers, you always blame the teachers, its time for you to take responsibility for yourself‟. When you have teachers turning round to you saying „you are not as good as your brothers‟ and things like that, its only so much to take, till you get into trouble by telling the teacher exactly that you think of them, that‟s what I used to do. So although they were very supportive, both of them, I was totally on a different wavelength to my dad, who is highly intellectual and he just didn‟t know where I was coming from, so there was some problem there. I don‟t think he really understood me, my mother understood me more but she used to „pull her hair out‟ with me, I always felt like the „black sheep‟ of the family. Homework, did that cause problems? Yeh. Shouting match? Shouting matches, I also remember I used to lock myself in my bedroom with all intention of doing my homework, but then I would find something more interesting to do or look at outside the window. It just didn‟t [happen], homework to me was so mind numbingly boring, which is the problem I have always had, it has replicated itself with my kids, as I couldn‟t quite see the point of it. I tried not to but it has become a bit infectious. So homework was a bit of a „no no‟ to me, even when I was doing my O‟levels. I did the minimum needed. The things I did want to do I did well in. (Peter). Did your parents help you with your homework? Yes. I used to sit with my mum in the kitchen every night, at secondary school as well. Did it cause friction, shouting? No. I think about what my son is going through now, its nothing [to the shouts that we go through with my children. I do not remember it much, but it was the routine. I was the only one that did it [with mum]; the others just went up to their room and did it. I am the middle child, older sister and younger brother. (Malcolm). Both my father and mother fought, basically when I was diagnosed that was when my father realised he was dyslexic, and up to then he always knew he had a problem with school and with reading and writing, but he didn‟t know what it was. He is an incredibly intelligent person and I think he realised that that was what he had [dyslexia] and now he has been treated and his underlying anger has came out. He opened up a lot [Pandora‟s Box] and

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Parenthood

135

made sure I got what I needed [educationally] because he never got any form of support or recognition when he was growing up. (Milly). Parents or other adult figures are important factors in a child‘s upbringing. The above interview evidence suggests that parental support was the key or one of the important keys to a dyslexic child‘s self-belief and support network – someone to believe in you when no one else does. In the case of a dyslexic, supportive parents will fight tooth and nail to get their child the help and support needed. As noted earlier, some parents even sell their home to pay for private support or private school fees, as they know the crucial school years will make or break a dyslexic, and allow them the ability to train for a profession, and gain self-belief. What I am saying is supportive parents are needed by all children, not just dyslexics. But a dyslexic will need more support to deal with not only their homework, but their continual failure in class. It only takes a moment to drop a vase, but many hours and days to pick up the pieces and glue them together. The same with a dyslexic. Once a dyslexic begins to feel ‗they can‘t do things‘ it will take many years for them to again believe in themselves again. The author‘s previous research in his ‗Dyslexia and Depression: The Hidden Sorrow‘ notes how early trauma in school in the form of factors such as bullying by the teacher and pupils concerning getting work wrong or being unable to read, can break a dyslexic to avoid all subjects and situations that relate to risk. As they do not want to be made fun of again, so they develop avoidance of reading, joining in, team activities etc. Such children can develop withdrawal and depressive symptoms as a defensive strategy to avoid risk again.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Good Intentions, but the Wrong Support As my mum through my brother knew about it [dyslexia] and she had loads of books about it, so if I had a specific problem with something, she would help me through it. My dad tried to help me, but he might as well have been talking Greek to me, as he did not understand me and found me quite difficult. He was very good with me, he is the most patient man I know, it must have skipped a generation, he was fantastic with me, he must have had so much patience with me, not knowingly he may have caused more damage, as the more he told me the more I just didn‟t know what the hell he was talking about. He was I guess repeating the failed methods from the school Yes, exactly. As it worked for him, he could work it out…they did not know much about the visual learning in those days. I just do not get on with auditory learning. Even now if a customer goes down a certain route, I think „shit‟ I have not heard a word he said in the last five minutes, it just goes out of my brain. You just have to try to grasp what he said from the last two things he said. Most times it works. (Peter). Although my mother was very patient, she tried to get me to learn how to spell, that woman she didn‟t understand me, so when I say unhappy at school and unhappy at home, that was one of the reasons why at home it was. Do you remember homework being a very stressful time? Yes. Shouting? Yes, well she found me quite defiant and perverse. Difficult to handle? Yes. (Trixie). Linking to the previous sub-chapter, what if parents are supportive but give the wrong support? The above interview evidence suggests that many parents want to support their Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

136

Neil Alexander-Passe

struggling dyslexic child, but in their best intentions, they try their best to support their child without researching what support should be given. In these cases they tend to recall what worked for them at school. In many cases as a non-dyslexic, they will use traditional teaching methods that their child is being taught at school, and in many cases failing in. So what does this do? Well it repeats the methods that have already failed, but also communicates to their dyslexic child that they really are abnormal. It also creates huge amounts of stress between parent and dyslexic child, and this can only end badly with resentment being built up by both parties. What is really needed is for the parent to research teaching strategies suitable for a dyslexic and use them. Also such research will educate the parent in dyslexia and how any task requiring sequential learning or the requirement to remember facts and figures is going to take many repetitions (research has suggested up to 10x the normal number of repetitions are required in dyslexics compared to non-dyslexics). Michaela noted in Morgan and Klein (2003) that when she was young, her mother would sit down and read with her, ‗I would just scream and tear up the book, and throw the book, and just like, punch her out of the way. Anything to do with reading and writing, I was really violent. I don‘t think she understood what dyslexia was‘. Her mother also tried to deny her daughter‘s dyslexia; in fact, her mother would say ‗her daughter was not stupid, she‘s not dyslexic, because she didn‘t understand what dyslexia was‘.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Over-Protecting Parents But I can remember finding social situations very awkward and something I would shy away from, people always say about me that I‟m a strong person on my own, being my own company, get on with things and a very strong person but I‟m not great around other people. I find it very confusing and that is related to [my] dyslexia or related to I‟ve got used to being that sort of character. But overall home life was happy, my mum and dad didn‟t understand what was wrong with me so they sort of wrapped me up in cotton wool, if something happened they would hide me away from the world as well. (Maureen). To the reader the above interview evidence suggests very caring parents who tried to protect their child with a learning disability from the inhospitable outside world. What does this really say? One could postulate that the parents are confirming to their child that they are abnormal. Also that the parents see it as this job t protect their child for ever. This means their child will not go to university, marry and get a job. Even blind and physical handicapped children are allowed those liberties. Can‘t dyslexics advocate for themselves? The British Dyslexia Association in the UK was set up by concerned parents of dyslexic children, as they felt their children were unable to advocate for themselves. This says that dyslexics are unable to advocate/argue for themselves and are invalids – an argument I personally do not agree with. Times have changed at the BDA and they now have a dyslexic peer as their chairperson.

Disappointing Parents Growing up do you remember truanting or running away from home? Not as such, not truanting as I did not want to disappoint my parents, I did disappoint my parents anyway,

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Parenthood

137

I am sure if they would not agree with that, by me not doing very well at school. But bearing in mind my brother is more dyslexic than I was and he did fantastically well and has degrees and what have you. I always thought I was a bit of a disappointment to both of my parents and my parents now would not agree with that, but I think that is true they were disappointed with me, but they have got used to it, got used to me being different and it‟s very difficult for me to blame much on dyslexia, as my brother has. Adam has much more of a right to blame dyslexia than me, he did better academically than I have, so what right have I got to blame dyslexia for anything. If he was a drunk or a drug addict and made a complete hash of his life and went a completely different way, I would blame more on my dyslexia. Having grown up with brothers who were very quick to criticise you, it was hard sometimes (Peter).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

From my parents I always thought I disappointed them, as obviously I couldn‟t do what everybody else could and that it was my fault, I wasn‟t the perfect child that I should have been, no matter how many times your parents tell you they love you, in the end you don‟t believe it, as everybody else says you are different. I did not do it for attention, there are lots of layers [clothes] you can put on, and so no one knew. When you are small, you do not get a lot of attention, If I was not getting attention from my peers, then I was getting negative attention from them in the form of bullying, so maybe I just wanted people to notice me, notice the pain I was going through. (Kirsty). The child-parent relationship is extremely important and early on expectations are made by both parties to what they expect. The parent‘s expectations are frequently verbalised and clear to both parties, those by the child are rarely shared but this affects how they view their treatment and support. The interview evidence in this sub-chapter details the erosion of these expectations, and how it affects each party. When the dyslexic child is unable to meet their parent‘s academic expectations and there are no known or recognised learning disability as the reason for the failure, two things are triggered. Firstly shame in the eyes of the dyslexic child for breaking their parent‘s expectations, and secondly shame from the parents that their child is abnormal and unable to perform as per his/her peers. When the frequency is high of such activities, then the connectivity in the family unit breaks down with emotional or behavioural charged conflicts begin to surface, leading the parent to disown their child and the child becomes withdrawn which can lead to running away from home, or they get angry and take it out of family members, family property, and the society around them. I know of one such case where the child took a key to their parent‘s car paintwork causing hundreds of pounds/dollars damage. In cases such as these, the lack of diagnosis is clear to see, but there needs to be ownership by the parent that there is something wrong (as many do deny it and see their child as just being lazy), as without this nothing will change unless external influences prevail (e.g. teachers, grandparents etc). This can cause huge problems in families and between partners, as such problems require time and money to be thrown at it to gain any sort of clarity.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

138

Neil Alexander-Passe

IS PARENTING STYLE AN IMPORTANT FACTOR?

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Do Dyslexic and Non-dyslexic Parents Bring up Children the Same Way? Children learn explanatory styles from those around them, if parents or peers are anxious, depressive or aggressive towards them, then they have been shown successful mechanisms which they then will replicate in similar stressful situations. The same is true for parents and peers who are relaxed and show concern for their child‘s learning problems, the child will learn such lessons well and will replicate in similar situations. One question that is always posed is how much influence does a parent have when their child goes to school? Whilst their child‘s peers have a strong influence (especially from late primary school onwards), a parent can support or make it difficult for their child to mix socially with any undesirable peers, however the parenting style seen before a child goes to school can instil a basis for their choice of coping mechanism. Factors such as bullying in the classroom by teachers and in the playground by peers can teach behavioural coping to vulnerable children. Isolation in the playground and after school can made a vulnerable child turn to emotional defences as a means to cope with their feelings; but it can also re-enforce or confirm a child‘s concept that they are unloved and unwanted. A main factor can be gender, in that more girls turn to emotional defences than boys, with boys choosing more macho behavioural mechanisms. Not only at home but at school, gender is a strong factor and is reinforced in the classroom, playground and role-play. Brody (1985) reports that parents encourage sons to be more aggressive but unemotional, but encourage daughters to be emotional but non-aggressive. Feschbach (1989) therefore suggests that girls believe it is inappropriate to express anger openly, as compared to boys and that boys will tend to think it is inappropriate to express fear so will use internal attempts to control or hide that fear. Gender differences are apparent in both dyslexic and normal population and suggests that females will choose more emotional and males will choose more behavioural defence mechanisms (Alexander-Passe, 2006, 2009b).

Modelling The data used in this modelling process is based upon ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ (Alexander-Passe, 2010a) with N=29 dyslexic adults (N=22 with depression). Participants were interviewed about their childhoods and their childhood relationships with their parents, school and peers. Detailed empirical investigations were also made to create three models of how dyslexics cope or do not cope. These are hypothesised in Table 1. In Hypothesis A, where the dominant parent is non-dyslexic, they have one dyslexic child, and one or more non-dyslexic children. It is likely that the dyslexic child will experience hostility at home and school, and this will cause anxiety leading to helplessness as the school is not addressing their educational learning difference. The child will be at conflict at home due to unfair sibling comparison and this will lead them to feeling unworthy of being part of the family. Unfair sibling comparison confirms the alienation they experience at school, that they are 'different, odd and abnormal', and depression and withdrawal is now likely. They also may feel they are adopted, may try and run away from home, and could turn

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Parenthood

139

to self-harm (alcohol, food, drugs or cutting). If such cries for help are unrecognised for what they are, then attempted suicide is also likely. Active ingredients in this hypothesis are: (l) the dominant parent has no experience of a learning difficulty growing up and thus is unable to relate to their child's difference; (2) the dominant parent may distance themselves from this child, who is unlike them; (3) the school does not sufficiently recognise the learning difference, therefore suitable intervention is denied; (4) the school is unaware of the child‘s school work avoidance; (5) unfair parental sibling comparison confirms the child is different and abnorma1; and (6) parents and school are unaware of the child's cries for help. In Hypothesis B, where the dominate parent is dyslexic, they have one dyslexic child, and one or more non-dyslexic children. It is likely the child will experience hostility at school, but at home they will experience support. This is likely to lead to school or academic-based anxiety as the school is not addressing their learning difference, but at home they are helped and supported by their dyslexic parent. However this can put strain on the family, as the nondyslexic sibling may perceive more help and thus love is given to their dyslexic sibling. A special bond can form between the dyslexic parent and their dyslexic child, and in this type of family, the non-dyslexic siblings may feel resentment towards their dyslexic sibling. As the dyslexic child doesn‘t experience the same alienation at school, then in the home, they may accept that their difference being okay. However it really depends on how the dyslexic parent relates to their dyslexia, whether they feel fulfilled in their own life, and have gained academic success despite their difficulties. Active ingredients are: (1) the dominant parent has experience of growing up with disabilities and their own experiences may return to haunt them when dealing with their child's teachers; (2) many dyslexic parents will experience PTSD when entering their child's school; (3) the dyslexic dominant parent will fight for their child's rights and many pay for a private assessment when the school denies their child's difficulties; (4) the dyslexic parent is a mentor to their child; (5) the dyslexic parent may experience problems when helping their child with their school homework; (6) the dyslexic parent may be guilty of favouritism over their non-dyslexic children, as viewed by their non-dyslexic children; (7) the dyslexic child may receive important love, support and thus balance and stability, to counter the hostility they experience at school; (8) the dyslexic parent can recognise their child's cries for help and may condone truancy to avoid problematic tests. In Hypothesis C, where the dominant parent is dyslexic, and they have more than one child who is dyslexic. It is likely the child will experience hostility at school, but at home they will receive support. This is likely to lead to school or academic-based anxiety as the school is not addressing their learning difference, but at home they are helped and supported by their dyslexic parent. At home the dyslexic child will experience a 'team' environment, where no unfair sibling comparison is made and that any comparison is fairly made to other dyslexic siblings. This means that the dyslexic child will experience more love and support within a positive environment. The dominant dyslexic parent is likely to be highly proactive at school, and pressure the school to get their child tested and be given suitable help. However a dyslexic parent may be unable to (or feel unable to) gain the same respect from teachers as they may be less educated than other parents. Active ingredients are: (l) the dominant parent has experience of growing up with a disability and their own experiences may return to haunt then when dealing with their child's teachers; (2) many experience PTSD when entering their child's school; (3) the dominant

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

140

Neil Alexander-Passe

dyslexic parent will fight for their child's rights and many pay for a private assessment when the school denies their child's difficulty; (4) the dyslexic parent can be a mentor to their dyslexic child; (5) the dyslexic parent may experience problems when helping their child with their school homework; (6) the dyslexic parent will form a 'team' mentality at home, making it very much a ‗them and us' mentality, and this may cause friction to any non-dyslexic partner; (7) the dyslexic child may receive important love, support and thus counter and stability, to balance the hostility they experience at school; (8) the dyslexic parent can recognise their child's cries for help and may condone truancy to avoid problematic tests; (9) the dyslexic parent may withdraw their child from school if they feel that the school is inactive and causing their child the same harm they themselves experienced.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Cause and Effect If Table 1 is believed, then there are several interventions that can be proposed. Breaking down the model into Causes (see Table 1) and Effects (see Table 2) is a way to understand the intervention journey, and this investigation challenges the ‗nature and nurture‘ argument, as it requires a predisposition (nature) and stress (nurture) to cause depression. Three causes are investigated, parental, school and school-effect. ‗Parental‘ causes (see Table 1) lie with the dominant parent. If they had a positive school experience and no resulting depression or anxiety then their children are likely to have no predisposition to depression and helplessness, and see school as a positive environment. If the dominant dyslexic parent‘s schooling was negative, then the child will start school with a predisposition to depression and helplessness, and the parent is likely to have painted school as oppressive and negative. Thus, parents have a major part to play in their child‘s emotional resilience. ‗School-based‘ causes (see Table 1) lie within the school. If no screening is undertaken when the child enters full-time education, then if the child experiences difficulties they will fail consistently before any educational professional will take note. Even then, many teachers might label the child as ‗lazy or not trying hard enough‘ before even considering an underlying learning difficulty. This may result in the child failing in tasks compared to peers, then making efforts to try harder, but after this doesn‘t gain the expected results, may probably see learning situations as threats to their self-esteem and choose to avoid such situations in the future – work and task avoidance will become a daily routine. Thus teacher opinions of laziness can therefore become a self-fulfilling prophecy. ‗School-effect‘ causes (see Table 2) also lie with the parent. Based on how the parent reacts to their child‘s inability to academically attain as per their peers or siblings. Such a comparison will probably be unfair and create stress at home as well as school for the child in question. If the parents have no experience of learning difficulties, then it is likely the parent will listen to teachers assessments that their child is lazy or ‗just needs more time to learn‘. In the case of dyslexics, who tend to orally attain to the level of their peers in class discussions, teachers may logically suggest that the child is lazy by their illogical inability to read and write. Parents may believe this and give their child a hard time with homework. If a parent has experience of learning difficulties, they will probably be over-sensitive to such a learning difficulty and develop a ‗team‘ mentality at home and support their child.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

141

Parenthood Table 2. Hypothetical Model of Cause and Effects: Causes

Parent

Parent

Cause (1) Parent

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Cause (2)

Cause (3)

Hypothesis A Hypothesis B Hypothesis C The primary parent is The primary parent is The primary parent is non-dyslexic, with dyslexic, with dyslexic with only both dyslexic and both dyslexic and dyslexic children. non-dyslexic children. non-dyslexic children.    Primary parent likely to Primary parent likely to have had negative experiences have had positive from school, resulting in anxiety, possible depressive experiences from school. symptoms and helpless attributions towards school and learning.    PTSD is unlikely from PTSD is likely from school. school.    Parent has a ‗can do‘ Parent has a ‗can‘t do‘ attitude towards life. attitude towards life.    Child has no predisposition to Child has a predisposition to depression and depression and helplessness. helplessness.    Parent is likely to have Parent is likely to have instilled in their dyslexic child instilled in their dyslexic negative attributions about learning and school. child positive attributions about learning and school.    School does not conduct baseline assessments. 

Cause (4) Cause (5) Cause (6) Cause (7)

Cause (8)

 Low academic achievement



   Teachers perceives low intelligence, rather than identifying learning difficulties. Teacher denies that their teaching could be to blame.    Parent unfairly compares Parent fairly compares dyslexic child to sibling. dyslexic child to sibling.    Parent is inactive to fight Parent is proactive to fight for their for their children‘s rights children‘s rights at school. at school.    An unhealthy disability A healthy ‗team‘ mentality at home. mentality at home.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

142

Neil Alexander-Passe Table 3. Hypothetical Model of Cause and Effects: Effects

Parent

Effect (1) Effect (2) Effect (3)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Effect (4) Effect (5) Effect (6) Effect (7)

Hypothesis A The primary parent is non-dyslexic, with both dyslexic and non-dyslexic children. Child has no predisposition to depression and helplessness. 

Hypothesis B The primary parent is dyslexic, with both dyslexic and non-dyslexic children.

Hypothesis C The primary parent is dyslexic with only dyslexic children.

Child has a predisposition to depression and helplessness.  Schoolwork avoidance is likely.



   Anxiety begins, unless school identifies difficulties, the child will begin to feel helpless at school.    Child feels unhappy and Child feels unhappy at Child feels unhappy at unwanted at school and school, but happy at school, but happy at home. Attempted suicide home. home. likely. Self-harm is Attempted suicide Attempted suicide likely. unlikely. unlikely. Self-harm is likely. Self-harm is unlikely.    Running away Running away from home unlikely. from home likely.    Truanting unlikely. Truanting is likely to be condoned by parent.   Depressive symptoms likely.   Child is likely to grow up ‗unfulfilled‘.

 Depressive symptoms unlikely.  Child is likely to grow up ‗fulfilled‘.

They will also push the school for assessment and help, compared to a parent without such experience, who will put their faith in the school and be inactive in the face of their child‘s inability or perceived unwillingness to learn. Looking at the effects, as noted in Table 3, they suggest that the dyslexic child is at risk of developing emotional reactions from school and home. If their time at school is perceived as unhappy, then the child will begin to avoid learning or reading tasks and may truant to avoid tests or situations that may threaten their self-concept and self-esteem. If the home is also unhappy then they may look to running away from home or to seek alternative ways to escape their daily nightmare (Alexander-Passe, 2004a). Alexander-Passe (2010a) is a study of the effects of mainly hypothesis A individuals, who have a dominant non-dyslexic parent and possibly a non-dominant dyslexic parent as well (even if the parents don‘t realise they are in

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Parenthood

143

fact dyslexic), who suffered at home and school due to unfair comparison, and developed helplessness, anxiety (leading to self-harm and depression), and high levels of school work avoidance is likely. Running away from home is also likely, however truancy is unlikely, due to following their parents unwritten moral code. Individuals with hypothesis B do feature in Alexander-Passe (2010a), but they would have been unlikely to run away from home and their avoidance would have been contained to school, with school truancy condoned by the dominant dyslexic parent. Helplessness was found concerning schoolwork, and this was greater where the dominant dyslexic parent denied or was not empowered by their own dyslexia growing up. Self-harm is likely with hypothesis B individuals, to try and regain control of their life. Individuals with hypothesis C were least likely to be included in this study, as they typically gain a much happier home life and their parents were more proactive and empowered to assist in their education. Private education is also likely with such individuals, as the dominant dyslexic parent recognises that their dyslexic child(ren) are unsuited to mainstream schools. Such parents generally make sure that only fair comparison are made and are quick to fight the school if they felt their child was treated unfairly at school. It should be noted that these three hypothesis models do not include gender differences, however the results of Alexander-Passe (2010a) suggest that gender is a major variable.

MAKING YOUR DYSLEXIC CHILD RESILIENT

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How to Make your Dyslexic Child Resilient, in the Face of Continued Failure at School? The concepts of risk and resilience is often seen as two sides of the same coin. According to Haeffel and Grigorenko (2007, p.435) risk refers to the heightened probability of negative outcome among individuals possessing certain vulnerabilities or sharing exposure to certain conditions. Resilience is a dynamic process encompassing the manifestation of positive functioning despite possessing vulnerabilities or the presence of high risk. Thus, risk factors increase the likelihood of developing a particular disorder, whereas resilience factors decrease the risk of developing that disorder. Unfortunately it is impossible to create intervention that eliminates all life stressors and to create total resilience, and this would be seen by many as unproductive. Stressful life events can be perceived by two individuals differently, one may develop psychopathology (negative effects leading to mental heath issues), whilst another may perceive them as important for positive long-term changes. Haeffel and Grigorenko note that without understanding the relationship between stressful life events, it is difficult to determine how one should intervene to develop resilience and reduce risk. By 2020 it is projected that depression (including depressive disorder) will be the second leading cause of disability worldwide (Murray and Lopez, 1996), with Greenberg, Kessler, Birnhaum, Leong, Berglund and Corey-Lisle (2003) suggesting that depression has and will have an even greater financial burden on world economies, with $83 billion a year in the US noted. Thus, understanding the risk and resilience for depression is important for our society.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

144

Neil Alexander-Passe

According to cognitive theories of depression (Beck, 1967; Abrahamson, Metalsky and Alloy, 1989) it is suggested that cognitive vulnerability' reacts with stress to produce depression. Thus, both 'nature and nurture‘ is to blame for depression. These theories suggest that those at risk of depression, tend to generate negative interpretations of stressful life events which have adverse results for their health and self-worth. 'People who generate these negative interpretations develop hopelessness, which is a proximal and sufficient cause of depression' (Haeffel and Grigorenko (2007, p. 437). Goodman and Gotlib (1999); and Gibb (2002) note that children may acquire cognitive vulnerability by receiving direct inferential feedback from negative parental practices and other significant adults. This link is been seen by others as particularly robust, according to Cole, Jacquez and Maschman (200l) and Turk and Bry (1992). Other researchers suggest that childhood maltreatment (not related to physical or sexual abuse) was related to cognitive vulnerability to depression (Gibb, Alloy, Abramson, Rose, Whitehouse, Donovan, Hogan, Cronholm and Tierney, 2001). Rose and Abramson (l992) suggest that emotional abuse is an especially potent contributor to cognitive vulnerability to depression, because unlike cases of physical or sexual abuse, the abuser, by definition, supplies negative cognitions to the victim. Thus as Haeffel and Grigorenko (2007) note, early social environments may be an important determinant of whether children develop cognitive vulnerability. They also suggest that research could identify parents who tend to generate negative interpretations for their children‘s behaviours and then intervene with cognitive training to assist them in developing positive interpretations for their children. NolenHoeksema, Girgus and Seligman (l986) and Turner and Cole (1994) suggest that children should be targeted for treatment before the age of 11 years old to change their interpretations and thus vulnerability to depression, as their vulnerability has yet to stabilise, however Abela (2001) disagrees with this age, as children before they develop cognitive vulnerability (11 years old) and before depression rates begin to rise may be the optimal time to create resilience' (Haeffel and Grigorenko (2007, p. 440). Nolen-Hoeksema (1990) also suggests that precognitive vulnerability interventions should focus on girls, as significant gender differences of depression exists with adults, with twice as many women experiencing depression than men. As Kessler (2002) suggests, once a person has had depression, they are at higher risk of subsequent episodes, thus it is seen as critical to prevent the initial first onset of depression. Haeffel and Grigorenko (2007, p. 442) notes that 'if hopelessness causes depression, then creating hopefulness should treat depression. Consistent with his hypothesis, Research on hopefulness and research on placebo effects suggests that positive expectations for improvement can lead to improvements in depressed mood. Similar to a self-fulfilling prophecy, generating hopefulness for improvement seems to lead to real improvement'. Cognitive behaviour treatment (CBT) is perceived as one of the most effective treatments for depression, based on the concept of helping individuals to reinterpret their life events which falls within the concept of hopefulness. Rudolph (2009, p. 1) suggests that 'one of the most powerful determinants of children's course of development is the social context in which they live. In particular, experiencing a stable and supportive environment during childhood is likely to foster healthy cognitive, social, and emotional development, whereas experiencing a disruptive or stressful environment has been linked to a wide range of adverse mental health outcomes, including depression. Stress and the accompanying emotional distress may then interfere with some of

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Parenthood

145

the major tasks of childhood, such as academic achievement and fulfillment of educational goals '. Thus, a child's early supportive and stable experiences at home and at school are vital for healthy emotional development. Stress may take many forms in a dyslexic child's life, from an accumulation of minor daily hassles (Scott, 2004) or more severe chronic strains or specific negative life events. Each of these types of stress are related to depression. Rudolph, Kurlakowsky, Kathtyn and Conley‘s (200l) study noted that school-related stress (such as poor academic performance, negative feedback from parents and teachers about school work, and daily hassles in the school environment) can lead to an increase in depression. They also note that unpredictable or disruptive environments (e.g. school) may undermine children's sense of control and mastery, leading to a sense of helplessness or hopelessness that acts as a precursor to depression. Family disruption, as well as exposure to chronic stressful circumstances within the family, peers, and school settings, predicted decreases in perceptions of control and increases in helpless behaviour in academic and social situations. These maladaptive beliefs and behaviour were in turn associated with depression. Thus, exposure to stress and failure are also likely to influence adversely children's perceptions of their competence. Cole (1991) found that negative environmental feedback can be internalised by children in the form of negative self-perceptions and low self-esteem, which then heightens depressive symptoms. Thus, stress within the school environment may exert specific influences on children's academic-related beliefs, self-perceptions, and goals, and consequently, on emotional well-being at school. Such views were also supported by Roeser and Eccles (2001). Rudolph (2009, p.3) concludes that 'depression has been linked to a range of negative schoolrelated outcomes, including poor grades, a lack of persistence in the face of academic challenges, and decreased classroom participation. These effects may range from short-term declines in academic performance to long-term problematic school outcomes'. She also notes that 'whether it is most common for academic difficulties to precede depression or for depression to precede academic difficulties has not yet been clearly determined. It is also possible, of course, that the presence of significant academic difficulties in depressed children reflects a common third influence.... [and that] research has suggested that depression may be most strongly associated with academic stress, failure, and school conduct problems when it co-occurs with acting-out behaviour or attentional deficits'.

Treating Pessimism and Helplessness To design useful and workable solutions to the cause and effects as noted above, it is wise to empirically investigate what interventions have already been tried and tested on other populations/samples. Seligman (1975a, b, 1991) the esteemed professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, USA, is seen by many as the originator of the optimism movement. Researching the power of learned optimism and hopefulness, as a treatment for pessimism and helplessness, he notes that masterful action is the crucible in which pre-school optimism is forged. It is the parents role to help the child make a habit of persisting in the face of challenge and to overcome obstacles. Once the child enters school, such mastery is needed to help deal with failure and to help them form good theories about how the succeed, why they

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

146

Neil Alexander-Passe

fail, and importantly what can they do to change failure into success. These theories, according to Seligman underpin a child‘s optimism or pessimism. Parents want their children to achieve all tasks first time round, and to be the best in their class. But to gain mastery, failure is required (as in the Montessori theory of education, 1965) and then overcoming failure after several attempts. If mastery is gained first time round, then the necessary and vital building blocks are missed out gaining resilience. Seligman believes that parents who cushion their children from failure are doing them a disservice and holding them back from normal development - weakening them ‗just as certainly as if we had belittled, humiliated and physically threatened them at every turn‘. Seligman goes on to note that the feel-good self-esteem movement, which avoids children failing in tasks by simplifying curriculum or tests, cheapens success and will ‗produce a generation of very expensive failures‘ (Seligman, 1998, p. 45). On the treatment for pessimism and helplessness, Seligman notes that whilst optimism is seen as a treatment for depression, if parents and teachers use optimism to change the attributions of children (how they perceive and explain events to themselves) to those being more positive and the attributions are not realistic or true (e.g. you are special, it doesn‘t really matter not doing well in that test), the effects will be empty and will fall apart. However if the lessons to the child are more realistic, specific and a challenge to their perceptions of the world (e.g. challenging ‗I am dumb‘), to form realistic attributions, then the effect will be worthwhile and long-term, Seligman calls this ‗accurate optimism‘. (Seligman, 1998, p. 298). In school and other learning situations, individuals who are optimistic will recover more quickly from defeat, as they will see defeat as a challenge to overcome, and that such defeat is temporary, specific and not pervasive. However, those who are pessimistic will wallow in defeat, as they see the defeat (failure) as permanent and pervasive. They will become depressed and stay helpless for a long time, as they see any setback as defeat, and one defeat is like losing a war. They will not easily challenge defeat, will shy away from trying such tasks again, and any new failure in similar tasks will confirm their helplessness (Seligman, 1998, p. 137). Seligman concludes, that after several research projects investigating optimistic versus pessimistic samples (in schools, universities, West Point military academy and the workplace), those who succeed in life and school, are not always those who are the most talented, but those with the optimistic frame of mind (optimistic attributions). Treatments to turn pessimistic attributions to optimistic ones starts with investigating how individuals perceive negative events and to recognise the emotional connection, as an explanatory style (e.g. failing in a task makes them feel sad and useless). Using an ABC (adversity, belief and consequence) technique this can be investigated, even with young children, from the age of eight years old. One example of this is (Seligman, 1996, 1998, p. 237 and 240):   

Adversity: My teacher, Mr Minner, yelled at me in front of the whole class, and everybody laughed. Belief: He hates me and now the whole class thinks I‘m a jerk (an idiot). Consequences: I felt really sad and I wished I could just disappear under my desk.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Parenthood

147

Treatment starts by investigating other meaning to events and to find realistic but possible ways forward to energize individuals. With an ABCDE technique (Adversity, Belief, Consequence, Disputation, Energization), the above example is expanded:    



Adversity: My teacher, Mr Minner, yelled at me in front of the whole class, and everybody laughed. Belief: He hates me and now the whole class thinks I‘m a jerk. Consequences: I felt really sad and I wished I could just disappear under my desk. Disputation: Just because Mr Minner yelled at me, its doesn‘t mean he hates me. Mr Minner yells at just about everybody, and he told our class we were his favourite class. I guess I was goofing around a little, so I don‘t blame him for getting mad. Everyone in the class, well everyone except for maybe Linda but she‘s a goodygoody, but everybody else has been yelled at by Mr Minner at least once, so I doubt they think I‘m a jerk (an idiot). Energization: I still felt a little sad about being yelled at, but not nearly as much, and I didn‘t feel like disappearing under my desk anymore.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

The aim is to change attributions from pessimistic (e.g. I‘m thick), permanent (e.g. I will always be thick), pervasive/global (e.g. I will always be thick in everything), and impersonal (e.g. I will always be thick in everything, and it isn‘t my fault, I had bad teachers at school), to optimistic and personal (e.g. I could have tried harder), temporary (e.g. I will try harder next time) and non-pervasive/specific (e.g. I will try harder next time in tests). Thus, allowing a chance to improve and try again, along with seeing oneself as the key to changing the situation and improving. If one blames others (e.g. I had bad teachers at school) rather than seeing oneself as the key to change (e.g. I need to spend personal time to learn some new skills), then situations will not improve. The following is an explanation of the terms used in this technique (Seligman, 1996, 1998, p. 163):      

Permanent = the cause is something that will persist Temporary = the cause is changeable or transient Pervasive = the cause will affect many situations Specific = the case will only affect a few situations Personal = I am the cause Impersonal = the cause is something about other people or circumstances

In the case of dyslexic students and adults, it is very hard to be resilient to failure, as failure in tasks is so common amongst identified and unidentified dyslexics at school. However as this chapter and Alexander-Passe (2010a) has indicated, dyslexics tend, at some point to give up, and choose to avoid difficult to spell words, to hide in class and avoid all difficult tasks. This is highly negative and comes from their belief that to survive the day is their aim and to avoid humiliation. However such avoidance is denial and hides the problem from teachers. Many teachers in mainstream education have large numbers of students and teachers are relieved to have quiet students - but quiet students in most cases are those avoiding the teachers radar. Intelligent students are the ones that challenge the teacher and ask

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

148

Neil Alexander-Passe

questions. Thus, only the ones that stay on the teacher‘s radar will therefore get the help they need, or will be referred. In Alexander-Passe (2010a) parents were seen to blame, as very similar avoidance took place. Parents wanted their children to do well, and to do well in homework tasks. Answering your child‘s questions is positive, but completing their homework for them is negative. If they got it wrong but completed it themselves, then the teacher would know the child needs extra help. If the homework is returned correct, then the teacher thinks everything is okay and they have done their job right. As found, if the homework is correct, but the child was unable to do the tasks themselves in school, the teacher would conclude the child was lazy and wasn‘t paying attention, as there is a mismatch from the homework to the classroom work. Thus, parents should allow their children to fail in homework tasks, as only this will inform their teachers that extra help is needed. As Seligman notes, mastery is the ability to gain knowledge after failure, and it is common to find dyslexics who have done well despite their difficulties (e.g. Richard Branson, Albert Einstein etc), they found strategies to turn events around and focus on their strengths and talents, rather than their weaknesses. Parents should not feel helpless about their child‘s education and future, as they have a substantial part to play in developing their child‘s mastery and resilience, turning their helplessness into hopefulness. To conclude, much can be done to assist dyslexic parents and dyslexics in schools/universities to change their attribution explanations from pessimistic to optimistic (and realistic), and to avoid helplessness and depression. The following interventions are proposed.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Proposed Interventions From the cause and effect models discussed earlier, the following are proposed: 1. Dyslexic parents should be given Cognitive Behavioural Treatment (CBT) or Attribution Modification Treatment (AMT) to address their probable post traumatic stress from their own childhoods and interactions at home and school. CBT will also address their own academic-based and literacy-based helplessness, so that they can teach their own children that school and learning can be a positive experience. 2. Governments should give more dyslexia training to teachers, so that they are able to recognise basic symptoms of dyslexia and refer, along with recognising that work avoidance is a reaction to continuous educational failure. 3. Schools should reintroduce baseline assessments, to test for underlying learning difficulties when children first enter school. 4. Schools should put in place interventions, before the dyslexic child is allowed to continuously fail and develop helplessness. 5. Teachers should be more proactive to question why children are failing to learn in their classrooms and remove the ‗lets give him more time to mature‘ attitude. 6. Emotional counselling should be offered to all children experiencing difficulties at school. 7. General helplessness concerning learning, should be tackled in all schools, so that learning is perceived as a positive experience, with either Cognitive Behavioural Treatment (CBT) or Attribution Modification Treatment (AMT).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Parenthood

149

DYSLEXIC PARENTS AND THEIR CHILD’S HOMEWORK Should Parents Firstly Cover up for their Children’s Lack of Academic Ability? To answer this best it would be good to ask what is gained when the parent covers up their child‘s learning difficulties. What is gained? Well the most significant thing gained is a sense of normality. Normality you ask, yes a perceived normality being projected by the parent to the teacher. It tells the child‘s teacher that he is normal and can keep up with his/her class peers. But is this correct? Of course not. The dyslexic child can‘t keep up and the fact that they are doing his/her homework is testament to the fact. What they are really doing, subconsciously is trying to make their son/daughter feel better but also making their life harder. They are sugar coating their learning disability. Harsh I know. But sending in beautiful and correct homework will tell the child‘s teacher that with the right encouragement they can do the work, they can achieve along with their peers. That also they don‘t have a learning disability/difference, so calls by the parents to have their child assessed are wrong and that he/she as a teacher knows best. So what should parents do? Not help their child do homework? Yes and no. Yes help them by encouragement but don‘t do it for them. Let them fail or get it wrong, how else would the teacher know it‘s not just with them that his child has difficulties. This way they are not sending mixed messages to teachers, and the teacher will finally see that this child needs additional help and support.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Should Parents Have the Right to be Ashamed of their Child’s Lack of Abilities? Does it Reflect badly on them as People? The title of this section is unkind but it holds a strange reality that if their child does badly at school and doesn‘t achieve as some of their peers do, siblings or friends, what should the parents say or do. What do they say to others that ask about their child, be it a parent in the same class or a family relative? You could lie and say everything is fine, but what does that do? Do you get the support you need? No, but you get a sense of being a normal family. But does it? Its common for everyone to lie to each other about things. Saying ‗I‘m fine‘ when you are not. Society likes normality and we are all at fault by propagating the illusion that everything is ‗fine‘. Its an illusion or propaganda. So what should you say? The truth would be a start, but carefully worded e.g. ‗Jimmy is having a few problems at school, but we are looking to get him assessed by a specialist‘. This way you are truthful but positive. You may find by this that other mothers say ‗my Jane is also having problems, but I‘m unsure of what to do?‘ Truth begets truth, lies begets lies. This way you may also get the support you need from those around you. You may get recommendations of specialists, of tutors, or even offers to pay for assessments. You are not alone, but you think you are till you talk to others. Not all the other pupils in your child‘s class get 100% in tests. Until you break the illusion bubble, no one else will. All it takes is a first person to tell the truth and the rest will follow. Veronica from Angola, a research subject in Morgan and Klein (2003) found her family was ashamed of her dyslexia diagnosis at her age of 11 years old. Were in denial, said she wasn‘t dyslexic, just slow/immature.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

150

Neil Alexander-Passe

DYSLEXIC PARENTS AND REACTIONS TO SCHOOL Dyslexics Having Dyslexic Children

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

You have children, how does it feel going into their school and talking to their teachers? That‟s different, to a point where nowadays, I have one daughter in secondary and one in primary school, because they tend to use the abilities you‟ve got, instead of talking about abilities you haven‟t got. Are there any triggers from school that bring back nasty thoughts? Nothing nasty that really affects me badly, but I find it frustrating watching my daughter go through experiences, very similar to those I went through, I can see that she is unhappy and I can‟t do anything to help her. Basically I had a meeting only last week about my daughter, and I told them that they had allowed her to „slip through the net‟ basically, without recognising her special needs. I told them „I know what it is like, I‟ve been there, blah blah blah‟ so I think in some ways I look at it myself going into her school, that its me being dyslexic which is helping her, that I can tell her what it is like and I can understand how she feels. My daughter will not accept help for her dyslexia, she just says that she hasn‟t got a problem and there‟s nothing I can do about it. The problem seems to be that she doesn‟t wish to be seen as different. Our plan with the school is that she won‟t get help in the class, but will get outside help with a sort of mentor. (Andrea). How was talking to your sons teachers, as you said to begin with you perceived them to be the experts? Did you feel belittled by them? I kind of only had that experience with one teacher, but I kind of heard stories about her before, I knew that my mum or my mum‟s friend had known her in the past and I suppose my parents being business people, I had experience of talking to business people and I knew you just spoke to people as if they were human and expected things from them. I kind of did [feel belittled] at the time I felt like they were trying to belittle me, it was after I gained the knowledge about dyslexia and then of course I had the knowledge to back it up then, saying „actually you don‟t know what you are on about, I think you will find it is this, and what you should be doing is…‟, I probably was a nightmare, I was a nightmare parent, I know I was. You are allowed to put your own child first. I was quite a bit older, before I suddenly felt, and said „I know you have thirty six or thirty five other children in the class, but actually I don‟t care about them, what I want is my son [helped]…‟, I think my son got to year seven by that point. (Emma). How about dealing with the teachers, do you have a resentment towards them? I cry. Cry? Yes as I can see everything I went through, as a child, which I am still fighting against. I am getting better. Do you think your wife would prefer not taking you with her to teacher meeting? No. As she knows that I know what I am talking about. Subject to work commitments, I go, but she is as passionate about it as I am. She does not have dyslexia, but she has seen it, she knows. Do you feel you know more about dyslexia than the teachers? Yes. How do the teachers react to you knowing more about it than them? [Pause] each teacher is different and some actually come out and say they are dyslexic themselves; some however are too stupid to deal with it. Do some get defensive, the more you get angry? Oh yes. (Malcolm). With your child, how do you feel going into schools? I have been told that many schools are still like how they were when I went to school, where they take you out of the classroom and Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Parenthood

151

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

put you in separate (remedial) groups, but the school my son goes to is not like that at all, they don‟t encourage labelling people with dyslexia, because nowadays a lot of children use it as an excuse, saying I can‟t do that as I‟m dyslexic. Basically, they don‟t try to encourage it; they don‟t take them out of the classroom. So for my son it isn‟t an issue, it‟s never been an issue and he wasn‟t keen on being tested as he didn‟t want to be different, but that was because he had heard „horror‟ stories off me, but it‟s not a problem to him whatsoever. I had transferred the fear of dyslexia onto my son, yeh he had also been listening to my mum or dad about stuff. But overall with me being at university and stuff, has influenced him to being in education himself, he does look up to me in general for what I do and that‟s because I‟m into art and design and media and [cool] stuff like that. That he wants to do the same thing, so I am his mentor to show he can get on. (Maureen). Do you find dealing with your children’s teachers difficult, because of your own past? No. it‟s not my difficulties, it‟s their perceptions, because they perceive they are superior. If they were superior, why is it that they have screwed up three of my kids with the same issues, and why is it something I told them about years ago is now appearing in their school, you know the „darna‟ [fictional name for a specialist spell-checker computer], I bought my daughter one, she took it school, they did not think she was of the superior intelligence that she could use it. That wasn‟t me, I had her diagnosed privately. Were they willing to have her diagnosed at school? No. my biggest issue with the school is their inactivity, how the bloody hell they managed to get out of OFSTED special measures is beyond me – it‟s their inability to act proactively, that has caused so many kids, now adults to come out uneducated, and they can‟t see why I‟m making a fuss. My boy is 23yrs old, I have been telling them since he was 12yrs old [that there was a problem]. Do you think the damage they are causing is similar to the damage you felt? Double. The damage they are doing is worse, because dyslexia has been known about and it is harder for my kids because I am proactive, and I won‟t allow a teacher to stand at a copier photocopying on white paper, to ignore other needs of my child as all he needs to do is slip another piece of paper in a different colour (coloured paper has been found to improve readability with many dyslexics), and his excuse for not doing it is his own dyslexia….boy do I want to kick him. So is it the teacher’s attitude, the school layout, the smell? Put it this way, if any teacher is discovered to have spoken to me, for any information to how they can adapt their teaching practices, they are sat on [by the head or the LEA], life becomes very bloody uncomfortable for them, but I don‟t know that officially, I only know it unofficially, and that‟s what pisses me off. Do they think I haven‟t live in this town long enough that I wouldn‟t know, we live in a small town, it just this shit-hole of a school, I have offered to train their teachers, to teach in a dyslexic friendly way for nothing, and I still can‟t get the buggers to do it [teach in a dyslexia-friendly way]. Do you get any support from the SENCO? [Big laugh] The SENCO nearly killed my son, she neglected him and then she had two goes at my children, she has now left. She has now left, but the damage is done, I have a daughter who doesn‟t leave the house, unless she is attended, I have another daughter on an alterative timetable [unable to attend school normally]. She only goes in so many days a week, for so many hours and I‟m regularly in there trying to increase her access to the curriculum, with little success, for example tomorrow she is only going to the open day for the college, which she should have known about, because her friend is going, and the friend told us in time for me to type out an email to get her on the list. But her year leader should have sorted it out and made sure my daughter was part of the excursion, because she

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

152

Neil Alexander-Passe

wants to do law [next year at college], she is doing critical behaviour [studies/GCSE?]. So, is this a daft child? Do you know what I mean, it is that stuff that I‟m still hitting [facing], and I shouldn‟t be. (Natasha). How do you feel going into schools now, what triggers any negative emotions? For my own children, I constantly ask the teachers to look out for any signs of dyslexia, so the earlier they can get help the better. I don‟t get triggers from the smells, chairs or layout. The school my children go to is amazing, the head teacher is brilliant. Everyone is really warm and open and you can go and talk to them about any concerns you have, nothing like my own school, it‟s very different. If any of them are diagnosed they would definitely have the support they needed. I think my 5year old might be (dyslexic), so I spoke to the head teacher last week and she said that they would get the SENCO to have a look at him to see. Talking to the teachers, I feel equal with all of them. (Norma).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How was it dealing with your son’s school? Did they deny it? They didn‟t feel there was a problem; I didn‟t quite appreciate, as my son didn‟t tell me that he was having immense difficulty reading along a line. He thought for everybody that letters danced about and because he thought it was true for everybody he didn‟t think to mention it and the other thing he says is because I‟m dyslexic, a lot of the things I did helped him. He didn‟t have some of the problems I had, so he was slightly more difficult to spot. When we were doing things with the children, I didn‟t do any maths work with him, as I couldn‟t. So it sounds to a layman hearing this that your son also avoided. Well, he was not a naughty child. I wasn’t saying that, he used different ways to avoid people knowing there were problems. Yes, that‟s true. (Trixie). As a parent myself I know it‘s hard bringing up children. You want the best for them and you also want them to achieve in life, as you did. Maybe without all the bad stuff, but a better life for them is all you wish for. However when you are dyslexic, and you have children who also have dyslexic or symptoms to suggest this, and you feel unable to get the help they need in mainstream education, you begin to lose faith in your dream, of giving your children a better life. You feel helpless in convincing their teachers that there is a problem, there is a family history of similar problems, and that your child should get the help they need. The UK government policy ‗every child matters‘ sounds great, it‘s just a really good sound bite, but as real terms, in over crowded classrooms, every child doesn‘t matter. This is a shame. Teachers will give excuses of ‗why shouldn‘t your child move up the priority list‘ or ‗there are children in your child‘s class with more severe problems‘. This suggests that there are many children in need of help but they are also unable to get it, the school policy/budget doesn‘t stretch as far as needed. What is worse, knowing your child has a learning difficulty and not being given the help required, or being fobbed off that he is a bit immature and needs time, and denying the problem? In my mind both are bad, but knowing your child has a problem but being unable to do anything about it is worse.

Dyslexics Having Non-dyslexic Children To a dyslexic who has suffered in the face of mainstream education‘s denial of their own learning difficulties throughout their own childhood, the idea of having children is hard, as it

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Parenthood

153

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

brings a whole range of emotions of their own children experiencing similar problems growing up. As a parent to four children myself, I constantly checked everything my children did for signs of dyslexia. If they were clumsy I would ask myself is this dyslexia? If they had problems reading or had a short-term memory I would again ask if they were dyslexic? Beyond five years old and the acquisition of reading and neat handwriting skills I have come to the conclusion they are not dyslexic. I find reading their reports strange as they are so good. I find them beating themselves up if they didn‘t get 90 or more percent in tests and SATS‘s. My twin boys argue that one got 92% and the other 93% in a test, and I turn round to them and say I would have been pleased at school to get 45%! They look at me strangely. But they don‘t get it, they don‘t see me as one of those children they don‘t mix with at school– you know the SEN or special kids. Personally I can‘t believe children can do so well in school – if they are non-dyslexic. What I find hard is that they are doing so well, despite me, well okay only joking. But their school experience is so different to my own; it is like I went to school on a different planet – planet dyslexic. If I would have achieved like they do at school, would I be a different person now – more confident and thinking the world is my oyster? Talking to other dyslexics with non-dyslexic children, I find that they feel emotionally separated from their child‘s education. It is hard to assess if they are relieved that their child isn‘t suffering like they did, or that they would have preferred a little dyslexic child for them to protect and be ‗super dyslexic mum or dad‘ to sweep in and save them from those horrible teachers.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 10

DYSLEXICS, SCHOOL AND POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD) Adult Dyslexics Resenting their own Teachers

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Have you ever resented your teachers for not seeing your difficulties at school? Yes. Do you feel anger towards them? Yes. (Jean). Did you ever resent your teachers at school, at primary school for not seeing your problems? I resented the ones that were unkind, I think if you regard a child as stupid or dyslexic or whatever, and you are unkind to a child that can‟t achieve something, I do resent that. In my experience, the bad experiences I have had of teachers is that, of bad teachers all round not just teachers teaching dyslexics. I have managed to recognise a good teacher is someone who has infinite patience to match the pupil they are with. I feel that I know the dyslexic thing frustrated the teachers who were teaching me, but that‟s their problem and I think I had a much more positive experience of education [than some, and] I think I can put that behind me. Generally I don‟t resent my old teachers, and yes it would be so nice to go back to the teacher who said I wouldn‟t have a career and show them I now have an HND diploma, but I don‟t feel there is a need to do that. I don‟t bare grudges against them. (Milly). At the secondary school, there was a constant emphasis on my weaknesses, so you become very aware of that. Have you ever resented your teachers for not recognising your problems growing up? Yes. Do you feel anger towards them? I probably do, it was sort of talked about at different stages, but it was not picked up in primary school until I reached secondary school in Scotland. When I was doing my O‟levels, they suddenly took an interest and took me off to this educational psychologist who told me I did not have to worry too much and to use words I could spell over those I found difficult. When I was doing A‟levels there was another discussion about the discrepancy in my abilities, and about the work I was producing, but that came to nothing as it wasn‟t followed up [with action]. (Norman). Have you ever resented or felt bitter against your old school teachers for not helping you at school? I have…I felt resentment and hatred towards my teachers for a number of reasons; whether it is for the specific reason of not seeing my difficulties, I do not know. I was first diagnosed in primary school, so they did know about my difficulties, they were all aware of it, but whether they chose not to recognise it is another thing [it must have been a private

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

156

Neil Alexander-Passe

diagnosis] I do not know. It was the easiest thing to do nothing and that is what they did. (Peter).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How you ever resented your teachers for not helping you when you were younger? Yes. I think possibly, the only negative bit is, if I have achieved so much without the help, what the „hell‟ could I have achieved with the help. I think that‟s sad, the anger, the frustration, the lost opportunity and the unnecessary pain and humiliation I went through, wasn‟t actually necessary. I feel damnation and I think objectively, it is probably unfair, as we are having enough trouble at present getting dyslexia support, a lot of the teachers I had were not doing their jobs, some were. I probably had only three excellent teachers who were properly trained. One history teacher I had when I was in the bottom stream of my second secondary school, we went through all the history stuff, it was very visual, and we started to learn French. Fantastic that [sarcastic], trying to teach bottom stream kids French if as they had got through all their English coursework. Our 101% percent increase in self-confidence from finishing all the course work, just plummeted. (Shelley). You earlier talked about resenting your teachers for not seeing your problems earlier. How bitter do you feel towards them? I feel very angry, because of what I had done, I was a senior staff nurse before I even „came out of the closet‟ officially and told people, but I never had it formally assessed at 15 years old and nobody properly knew what it was. I now think if I had got that far without absolutely no additional assistance made, the struggles I went through in my adolescents, what could I could have done without the traumas, without the negative effect on my self-esteem and being actually helped rather than being a hindrance on the academic staff, I could have done…and been a different person. You were talking about not telling people you were dyslexic, being ‘in the closet’. You see the thing about it was, I had not been formally assessed, although I screened positive when I was 15 years old, and they turned round and said that I had poor visual and hearing memory, but refused to label me because it was deemed to be inappropriate, it was in 1976, labelling wasn‟t the done thing. So although it was a brief thirty minute chat with a psychologist, nothing really happened from it. It was not a formal assessment and I was not aware of how much help was available then and what I could have been getting. It was only when I was struggling with assignments at Oxford University that I finally thought I would do something about it and it could make a difference. (Anita). Do you/have you ever resented your teachers at school for not seeing your difficulties? Yeh, but I kind of understand that at the time it wasn‟t known as much, probably I wasn‟t severe enough for them to notice and also because I hid them as well. I feel resentful but at the same time, I can‟t feel completely resentful because I did hide a lot of stuff. I normally hid in the back of the class room and managed to not hand in any homework, because they thought I was stupid, you know it just wasn‟t important for me to hand in homework [to be marked]. Yeh, I did lose books [on purpose as a cover]. (Norma). The interview evidence above is quite clear in that many dyslexics resent their teachers for not seeing their dyslexia, they ask ‗what could I have been with diagnosis and help, and they resent teachers for lack of professionism. Teachers are viewed as having a lot to answer for. But was it the teachers fault? Wholly their fault? I know several dyslexics in the UK have sued their local educational authority for the failing of their ‗duty of care‘ in educating them, and many have been paid out a lot of money. Yes there are incompetent teachers, but they

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Dyslexics, School and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

157

rarely are struck off the teaching register. Normally they are given a shining reference and told to move onto another school. As one who has just completed a years post-graduate teaching qualification (PGCE) I know that SEN is hardly covered, okay it was for 30 minutes. But is this enough in a year‘s course. Of course not, it should have been the focus for at least a week or more. Basically teachers are untrained in SEN and thus they are unable to spot a dyslexic or other SEN in their classroom unless blatantly obvious, like requiring a wheelchair or crutches. The diagnosis even to a basic level of learning difficulties takes time and experience, which teacher training does not allow. So are dyslexics right to be angry and resentful towards teachers who missed their diagnosis. Yes and no. Yes their teachers missed it, but each year another set of teachers missed it, so in total may be 30 teachers missed their learning difficulties, so one could argue incompetence on a grand scale. What is actually wrong is the teaching system at school and teacher training. I see the current system as the ‗band-aid‘ approach. Teachers and schools fire-fight SEN as they do not have the budgets to put in place precautionary measures. The UK government tried a precautionary measure of baseline assessing pupils in their first 5 weeks of school to assess their learning needs, approximately five years ago but changed the policy as it took too long to implement, now they test after the first year allowing pupils to be taught to pass the test, thus camouflaging any learning difficulties unless blatant.

Why do Dyslexics Suffer from PTSD when Entering their Children’s School?

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

With your child, how do you feel going into schools? The smell of the school, I hate it, the small chairs, the paintings in the corridors. No disrespect to the artists, but it reminds me of being outside the headmaster‟s office, in trouble again. (Adrian). How is it going into school now for your children? My kids are teenagers now. But I work in social services and some of my foster kids have gone to my old school. It was really weird going into there, as when I first started fostering, the same teachers were around and I felt strange going in there, especially when one of the came up to me and talked to me as he remembered me. I remember thinking „you stand there being so nice to me after the traumas that you are participated in‟. Did you feel belittled by them? Inferior? I am having an attack now just thinking about it! I did not feel belittled as an adult, but I did as a child. I felt very angry towards them and I am very much of the thought that one should not be two faced. Did the smell or layout trigger things for you? When I walked in there, I felt tense and I sort of panicked as I began to look a round for people who would know me. I began to get flashbacks to my time at the school and the traumas, being told off and being belittled. (Anita). Does visiting school for your son bring back any negative emotions of your own childhood? No, what would trigger things is if I heard a teacher shouting, or „balling‟ at children. I stand there and my initial reaction is to tense up, freeze and then I kind of want to go into that classroom and hit the teacher and say „leave them alone and what do you think you are doing!‟ (Emma).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

158

Neil Alexander-Passe

How are at going into schools now, is it difficult? Yes, as all my old memories come back. Because I do not have any great memories of school, so I sort of travel back to my own days at school. What is it triggering that? The smell, layout, the chairs, the teachers? It is just that when you walk through the doors you feel like a different person, you kind of feel like that again [a small child]. You forget that you are twenty-three-years old and have done all these things. You think that you are twelve or thirteen again and you have to face a school where no one likes you. The smell doesn’t trigger things? It can. You get the sense of being there again. Noise of the children? Its everything, you just feel you are back there drowning again. (Kirsty).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How do you relate to going into schools now? I really hated it when I first started it but I pick up on kid‟s problems more, partly because of what I do ( and my experience) and I‟m keen to look for kids who are struggling. I hated working with teachers because I feel that they were judging me and I am stupid, I think because my teaching is so specialist I know more than they do, so they can‟t criticise me for something that I‟m actually the expert for. I always feel I‟m in detention as I need to wait outside the headmasters office and I‟ve been doing this for the last 4yrs [teaching in schools] and I‟m still scared of the head teacher, in all the schools I work in. (Lara). I know that you get annoyed going into schools now for your children, are there any triggers there? Smell. Layout of chairs? Anything really. I am a school parent-governor at my son‟s school, so that is not so bad, but I must have mature conversations with the head master, but saying that, it is a different environment to my own school. When I go to my daughter‟s primary school, it is the smell, the chair layout, chair scraping, and noise from the kids. There is a reunion at my old school, initially I thought it would be nice to go, with my wife, because I have my business, I live in north London and say „sod you lot‟ but its on the Jewish Shabbat. We could have gone there the night before and stayed over, as I won‟t drive on the Sabbath. But my wife said „why are you knocking yourself out to try and go, you hated school, why on earth do you want to go back‟, so I kind of contemplated the idea to show them that whilst I never really went to lessons, I can put food on my children‟s plates, you know. The other thing is my eldest son is at a new school, newly built so being a governor is okay. But my daughter‟s primary school is old; it has the old look, old smell, old chairs etc. (Malcolm). With your child, how do you feel going into schools? I had transferred the fear of dyslexia onto my son, yeh he had also been listening to my mum or dad about stuff. Going back into school, for my son, brings back feelings of my time there. He tells me off for some of things I say, as it does trigger off my anxiety about being at school and the way teachers are, but he, my son, generally gets on with his teachers, he builds up good relationships with them, but I was withdrawn [at school] doing that. (Maureen). Do you go into schools now? Not in my current job, but with my social work training I did. Did it revoke any emotions? Yes, I have also been to schools for my niece‟s plays and things. I don‟t have particularly fond memories of school, I have happier ones for my secondary school education, but it is mixed in with some huge frustrations, the disparities, like how I did and why things worked out the way they did. I‟m still quite angry about why they didn‟t identify my problems, as I was there for five years [at my secondary school], so they couldn‟t use the excuse that I had moved round a lot, they had a sort of long continuity to identify my

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Dyslexics, School and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

159

difficulties and to check things out. But going into them now, what triggers these emotions? Smell, layout or crowds? Well I live next door to a school, so it‟s the sound probably, all the kids running about. I think it is funny I live next to something I hate more than anything. When I have been into schools, the smells, the sort of plasticine, chalk smell, that sort of stuff. I found it was the floor cleaner; it always was a strong sickly smell that sets off my anxiety. It just takes me back to my own years there. We had meetings in a small classroom there, the small chairs and especially all the stuff pinned into the wall also evoked things into me. What did that trigger? It triggered not particularly pleasant memories. I think things like my work was never pinned to the wall and my stuff was never put up into the corridor and stuff like that. So feeling that your work was not worthy enough/not good enough for presentation? Yes. (Norman). With your child, how do you feel going into schools? I found it quite difficult [going back into my child‟s school] it actually reminded me of sort of me being back at school, I didn‟t do it on many occasions, yeh in their school life it was only twice, with two kids going through school I only went in two or three times, that‟s it. I think a lot of it [the triggers to fear/emotion] was the smells, how it was set out. When you go through the doors it just sets off the memories of when I was at school. (Samuel). According to The National Institute of Mental Health (2008) Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that some people develop after seeing or living through an event that caused or threatened serious harm or death. Symptoms include flashbacks or bad dreams, emotional numbness, intense guilt or worry, angry outbursts, feeling ―on edge,‖ or avoiding thoughts and situations that remind them of the trauma. In PTSD, these symptoms last at least one month and can be a contributing condition to depression. The DSM-IV diagnostic criteria are indicated in Table 4.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Table 4. The DSM-IV-TR (APA, 1994) the diagnostic criteria for PTSD   

  

Exposure to a traumatic event Persistent re-experience (e.g. flashbacks, nightmares) Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma (e.g. inability to talk about things even related to the experience, avoidance of things and discussions that trigger flashbacks and re-experiencing symptoms fear of losing control) Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (e.g. difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger and hypervigilance) Duration of symptoms more than 1 month Significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning (e.g. problems with work and relationships.)

The ‗stressor‘ from the traumatic event consists of two parts, both of which must apply for a diagnosis of PTSD. The first requires that ‗the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others. The second requires that ‗the person‘s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.‘ According to The UK‘s Royal College of Psychiatrists (2005) many people with PTSD feel grief-stricken, depressed,

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

160

Neil Alexander-Passe

anxious, guilty and angry after a traumatic experience. As well as these understandable emotional reactions, there are three main types of symptoms or manifestations produced by such an experience as indicated in Table 5. The advantages of using a biographical study such as the one in ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘, is the ability to ask adults about their childhood and any long-term reactions. PTSD is one such expression of reactions and denotes emotional responses to feared stimulus. In this study, school and returning to school for ones child‘s education is the feared stimulus and suggests that such a fear is a long-term effect of trauma from their own time at school, from trauma delivered by teachers, especially in mainstream education. Table 5. The three main types of symptom of PTSD 



Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.





Flashbacks & Nightmares - You find yourself re-living the event, again and again. This can happen both as a ‗flashback‘ in the day, and as nightmares when you are asleep. These can be so realistic that it feels as though you are living through the experience all over again. You see it in your mind, but may also feel the emotions and physical sensations of what happened: fear, sweating, smells, sounds, and pain. Ordinary things can also trigger off flashbacks, such as seeing a child‘s drawing. Avoidance & Numbing - It can be just too upsetting to re-live your experience over and over again. So you distract yourself. You keep your mind busy by losing yourself in a hobby, working very hard, or spending your time absorbed in crossword or jigsaw puzzles. You avoid places and people that remind you of the trauma, and try not to talk about it. You may deal with the pain of your feelings by trying to feel nothing at all - by becoming emotionally numb. You communicate less with other people, who then find it hard to live or work with you. Being ‗On Guard‘ - You find that you stay alert all the time, as if you are looking out for danger. You can't relax. This is called ‗hypervigilance‘. You feel anxious and find it hard to sleep. Other people will notice that you are jumpy and irritable. Other symptoms such as emotional reactions to stress are often accompanied by: muscle aches and pains, diarrhoea, irregular heartbeats, headaches, feelings of panic and fear, depression, drinking too much alcohol, and using drugs (including painkillers).

The Royal College of Psychiatrists, 2005.

Smell is one of the main senses to humans and is a powerful source of data to the human brain. The smell of school can vary from the strong sickly floor cleaner used, plastercine and to the aroma of lunch that drifted through open plan schools. From the interview evidence, the smell triggered anxiety and caused them apprehension. Interview evidence suggests the vision of the small chairs at school triggers not only feelings of being small, but triggers inferior feelings and feelings of being victimised by others especially teachers. Being small, weak and vulnerable, describes how many dyslexics view their primary school. They were vulnerable to humiliation and were powerless or helpless to change the fact or to advocate for themselves. The evidence also suggests that pictures on the walls of the classroom and hallways of the school triggers PTSD reactions of inferiority and public comparison with peers. Malcolm

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Dyslexics, School and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

161

noted in his interview that his teachers faked his work and didn‘t display the real work as it was rubbish in the eyes of the teacher and would have reflected badly on the school. Others like Norman noted that pictures triggered PTSD because their work was never worthy of display. The interview evidence suggests that many dyslexics go into child mode whenever they are around teachers, as one noted that it was as if the last twenty years had never happened, they transformed back to a child even though they were an adult with a degree. Even Lara who teaches in schools, feels a little girl again, withdrawn and in detention whenever she needs to sit outside the headmasters office before meetings and she has been teaching for years in various schools. As Rachel notes she has these same belittling feelings with doctors and another medical staff, a feeling of not being worthy and that others are more intelligent than she is. ‗Post-traumatic stress disorder‘ (PTSD) in dyslexics can come from various factors, these include: the sudden exclusion from their peer group; intense anger from a teacher or parent, physical bullying at school; realisation that something unrecognisable is wrong (maybe realising that they are not normal or do not learn normally, being called stupid, lazy etc). There are two forms of PTSD, which Scott (2004) suggest dyslexics suffer. The first is Type 1 (an acute, single-impact traumatic event) and Type 2 or complex PTSD (a series of traumatic events or prolonged exposure to a stress or stressor), both are listed in the DSM-IV (APA, 1994). PTSD is a widely researched aspect of psychology (see Rose, 2002; Stallard, Karwit and Wasik, 1999 for reviews). PTSD is categorised by being the sudden and irrevocable perceptive change of the world from one that is safe and predictable to one that is dangerous and random. Individuals are as traumatised as if they had been in a major car crash. The behavioural effects of PTSD come from repetitive and intrusive thoughts and can be triggered by vision, sound and smell (as noted by Miles and Varma, 1995; Riddick, Sterling, Farmer, and Morgan, 1999). Yule, Bolton, Udwin, Boyle, O‘Ryan and Nurrish (2000) found only 25% of PTSD sufferers had recovered after five years, 33% after eight years and 59% warranted a lifetime diagnosis. Whilst Perrin, Smith and Yule (2000) note correlations between a sufferer with PTSD with concentration, memory and reading problems, it is unclear if the PTSD caused such difficulties or whether they were there before, a ‗chicken and egg scenario‘. Tsui (1990) suggests that PTSD is related to academic performance and that the PTSD was the cause. Scott (2004) argues it is not clear cut and that PTSD might be caused by the secondary effects of having dyslexia, a view this author supports. The second theory presented by Scott (2004, p.164) is that of ‗daily hassles‘, an opposite concept of PTSD, in that the stress of daily inconveniences are ‗even more perilous in the stress lexicon than major life events‘. As noted by Lu (1991), Lazaraus (1984), Chamberlain and Zika (1990) the risk of persistent hassles that are endlessly present in the sufferers life are a powerful predictor of psychological distress and has been likened to ‗living permanently in a cloud of small, biting mosquitoes‘ (Scott, 2004 p 164). Morgan and Klein (2003) observed that even adults with minor dyslexic symptoms are placed under extra stress from the constant effort needed to perform ordinary, daily tasks such as reading instructions to understanding conversations. To support such a concept, Winkley (1996) asked dyslexics at junior school to rank the most stressful things that they can think of, 12 of the 16 stressors mentioned are related to the experience of being dyslexic (getting lost, being left alone, being ridiculed in class, tests and examinations, breaking or losing things, being different, performing in

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

162

Neil Alexander-Passe

public). Harrison (1995, p. 116) herself a dyslexic, suffered high levels of stress in her own life, in work with a group of PTSD sufferers she noticed ‗the similarities struck me; although I realise they are not as extreme for me. The social dysfunctionality also is, in them exaggerated, but nevertheless comparable to my own experiences and those I have known with other dyslexics‘.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How should Dyslexics Cope with PTSD relating to their Child’s Education? What should adult dyslexics do to cope with their PTSD about school. Malcolm as noted before had a terrible time at school and at times has cried when talking to his dyslexic children‘s teachers, especially in their primary school where he felt helpless to get the help they so badly needed. However surprisingly in their secondary school he has taken a more pro-active approach. His two eldest sons are at a newly-established secondary school and he volunteered to be a parent governor. This way he was able to make changes and feel useful and energised in making the changes required for pupils with SEN to achieve their potential. He has been a governor there for many years and now has become a non-parent governor, which is a promotion. It means the school values his abilities and contribution themselves, rather than him getting voted onto the panel by parent power/votes. As a dyslexic who has struggled in life, in his career, and was unable to go to college or university, this is a real achievement and he has managed to see his children‘s school in a positive light. Thus he has dealt with his PTSD in a positive and proactive way. The moral of this is, to combat your PTSD you have to go back into school and be proactive to make changes, especially when it affects your child‘s education. Parents can help out in the classroom, join the PTA (parents/teachers association), or be a governor. Most schools will welcome proactive parents more than ones that continuously moan to them about what they are not doing. So to make change, it is suggested you need to put yourself out.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 11

CAREERS AND THE WORKPLACE INFERIORITY COMPLEX Not being Lawyers and Accountants, but Road Sweepers

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Have you ever blamed your dyslexia for things? Yes. You were talking about not being a barrister; do you blame that on your dyslexia? Yes. I can blame most things on it; I do not have a growing business. Do you blame it a lot? Yes (Malcolm). When dyslexics face difficulties at school they begin to realise that they have to put in more time and effort than their non-dyslexic peers, and then still don‘t attain as well as others. They realise that they and their parents need to be more realistic about both their academic and career aspirations. In many cases, I can‘t say all, dyslexics begin to resent their fewer options in life, and resent that they will not be the doctor or lawyer their parents wished for. In the above interview evidence Malcolm has developed an inferiority complex about his career or lack of it. He resents that he is unlike his peers, as they are high-flyers and successful in the city – however he does enjoy being different and not dressing as he calls ‗like a penguin‘ (in a suit and tie) travelling to work each day on the London underground. Is this him coming to terms with it, or a means to reconcile his difference and champion it? He also remarked in his interview that when he worked on a building site that he would read and buy a serious grown up newspaper each day and read it in front of his peers, who were reading trashy newspapers focussed on scandals and half-naked women. He enjoyed being different and rubbing people noses in his difference. Does he think he is better than other others on the building site? I think unconsciously yes. Does he enjoy a better work/like balance than his peers? Yes and he gets more time to spend with his children? Yes. So in many ways it could be argued that things have worked out well for him. Although inside he does resent not earning the big bucks, but most people who work will always think the grass is greener on the other side. Those in the city who earn the big bucks have on the whole a poor work/life balance and rarely get home before 8-9pm and often do not see their children growing up. But he has!

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

164

Neil Alexander-Passe

CAREER ADVICE FOR DYSLEXICS?

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Working with their Abilities and not their Disabilities – Putting Ability First? In the UK, there is a government funded employment service called ‗Remploy‘, for disabled adults (including dyslexia, other learning difficulties, physical and sensory difficulties, along with mental health difficulties), it‘s by-line is ‗putting ability first‘. This is very much in tune with the ‗social model of disability‘, that we are all different and we all have something to give to society. When answering career-based questions by parents of dyslexics, it may seem unhelpful to suggest making their hobbies into careers, as many dyslexics have not experienced hobbies or activities they have enjoyed. Therefore it is important to expose young dyslexics to many different hobbies when growing up, so they have the opportunity to experience activities they can be good at, enjoy and can excel in even to a level which excels their peers. This way parents can see what their children are good at and suggest suitable career avenues e.g. if they are good at arts and crafts, then developing careers in art, design etc. If they are good with pets, then examine careers in zoology, animal nursing, pet care etc. If they are good with their hands making things, then examine careers in furniture making, engineering, car mechanics etc. If they have good people skills, then examine careers in public relations, tour guiding, sales etc. Dyslexics often investigate career options in teaching or social work, as due to their own experiences, they have an empathy towards those who suffer in life. Morgan and Klein (2003) note they try and fix a problem they have themselves experienced at school, but many are put off by the high paperwork demands of teaching. However they would be highly suited to this profession as they have the empathy and understanding towards struggling learners. It is also suggested they would be less likely to label children as thick or lazy - labels that they themselves would have experienced negatively as children. Morgan and Klein (2003) argue that many dyslexics choose careers with limited demands on reading and writing, this like in school with the choice of GCSE courses, means that dyslexics are unable to choose subjects they enjoy and that they have a natural talent for, based on intellect, but rather those that they could cope with (literacy demands). In some ways this is understandable, as the lack of formal qualifications often means that job opportunities are limited to unskilled roles. Many dyslexics dream of the time when they can leave school and not suffer on a daily basis the humiliation of failing in academia, however this means they are often put off studying at further or higher education. Such places are ideal for vocational training (learning a trade in a practical or concrete ‗real-life‘ settings) and are more suited to dyslexics, as they deal with solid ideas based on the real world (the workplace), rather than theoretical problems to solve. Thus painful memories of school can have long lasting effects and can influence future career. Many dyslexics incorrectly believe that success in school means success in the workplace. It is argued by commentators on dyslexia (Morgan and Klein, 2003), that many dyslexic individuals follow a round-about route to their career, utilising vocational courses rather than academic ones.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Careers and the Workplace

165

As Grace Fernald (1943) suggests, ‗there are many ways of accomplishing a given result. To suppose there is just one way of doing anything shows a failure to understand the psychology of learning‘.

DYSLEXICS AND FURTHER EDUCATION

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How do Adult Dyslexics Cope Re-entering School to Gain Additional Qualifications or Regaining Literacy/numeracy? After many years of failure in mainstream education, many dyslexic adults leave school with problems without basic skills e.g. completing forms, reading newspapers and taking messages (Morgan & Klein, 2001). Whilst they may wish to improve their skills, there are emotional barriers from them re-entering any situation which places them back in the mindset of the classroom - repeating their school experiences of failure and humiliation. Morgan & Klein noted a need to tackle the ‗I can‘t do it‘ attitude, as this can easily lead to a ‗selffulfilling prophecy‘. Life Long Learning (2004) found many adults with dyslexia felt they had ‗humiliating and damaging experiences of school education and many report unsuccessful attempts to acquire basic skills through adult education…(and) were reluctant to risk ‗more of the same‘…in increasing their basic skills‘. Once making it through the door of further or higher education classrooms, Pollack (2004) studying histories of dyslexic students, found high expectations of rejection and failure in examinations, with a belief of low intelligence and poor social & academic self-esteem. Stewart-King (2004) and Peelo (1994) found adult students commonly used coping strategies, such as emotional self-preserving and defence mechanism established in childhood, but as adults, these coping strategies provided only barriers to further learning. West Virginia‘s Department of Education (2006) issued guidelines concerning teaching adults, that ‗negative experiences from the past may interfere with new learning and emotional association with words or events may affect the adult‘s ability to gain new knowledge‘. Scotwest (2006) advises adult literacy tutors that returning adult dyslexics ‗will need constant encouragement…and they will have well developed coping strategies which may be an impediment to learning‘. There is evidence that to begin the learning process, tutors need to allow adult dyslexics an opportunity to rebuild their self-esteem and self-confidence, as Adult Literacy and Numeracy (2004, p. 30) noted ‗above all, the students‘ self-esteem must be boosted…and to…have students working at a level which is low enough to ensure they don‘t struggle and become disheartened‘. According to Morgan & Klein (2001, p.161) it is ‗crucial for students to experience immediate or nearly immediate success‘. White (2006) found a need ‗for many adult return learners, particularly those who have not achieved or dropped-out of education in the past, self-confidence may need resurrection before (teaching) approaches can be effective‘. The UK‘s Department of Further Education and Science (2006) notes for dyslexics ‗it is especially important to identify and understand their difficulties and use approaches that suit their learning style and give them an experience of success‘ Morgan & Klein (2001) also note

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

166

Neil Alexander-Passe

a need to quickly identify the students ‗learning style‘, as this is the basis for their support programme. Several researchers suggest enhancement of academic performance in students with learning disabilities through intervention aimed at increasing their perceived competence (Heyman 1990; Schunk 1989; Vogel & Adelman 1990). Morgan & Klein (2001, p. 160) note ‗it is fascinating to observe how quickly (dyslexic) adult learners can improve their selfimage and demonstrable progress when teaching responds to their needs.‘ Klein (1992) found in researching an inner-city adult education centre with ‗literacy‘ and ‗return to learning‘ courses, found 26% of those with English as their first language tested positively for dyslexia. These findings were also found by Butterfield (1996) in two basic education classes of an inner London college, where 10 out of 14 had dyslexic difficulties. Many adults benefit from diagnosis on their return to education; however manifestations of anger and feelings can then appear as a result of them thinking about their childhoods and an education system that they perceive had failed them. The long-term damage in terms of self-esteem and emotional toll ‗should not be underestimated‘ according to Morgan and Klein (2003), and this can affect future interactions with teachers, schools and colleges, especially for the education of their children.

DYSLEXICS AND HIGHER EDUCATION/UNIVERSITY

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How do Adult Dyslexics Cope at University? As one who has completed numerous courses in higher and further education, from colleges to universities, I have experienced a wide range of support and services. In the UK, dyslexics with a formal diagnosis from an educational psychologist can gain government funding for dyslexia specialist support tutors to teach study strategies and computer equipment to aid their studies (in many cases a laptop PC, scanner, a Dictaphone, spellcheckers, and mind-mapping/other software), in addition to a photocopying and book buying allowance. Counselling support is also an option to deal with emotional needs. It could be argued that if dyslexics can survive school with academic qualifications, they are much better supported to advance their studies than they are in mainstream education (at school). However many dyslexics I have met do not perceive the support as ‗reasonable adjustments to help them achieve as per their peers without learning difficulties‘, but an unfair advantage. They also perceive any pass or distinction results as ‗unnecessary adjustments‘ rather than ‗reasonable adjustments‘, thus diminishing their achievements.

DYSLEXIA AND THE WORKPLACE Applying for Jobs For many dyslexics, getting a job means finding ways around the initial hurdles so they can show their abilities. This often involves help from others e.g. spelling and grammar checking of application forms, dictating answers to a scribe or using others to complete the

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Careers and the Workplace

167

forms for them, with them just signing it. Hales (1995) argues that for a dyslexic completing an application form, it can be a daunting task. Mark in Morgan and Klein (2003) noted he found it humiliating to be asked to complete any sort of form on the spot, as he needed time to draft it and get it checked by another. As the first round selection process by employers is normally based on screening out those with messy handwriting and poor spelling/grammar. Thus this could be argued inadvertently discriminates against dyslexics.

Success in the Workplace Reiff, Gerber and Ginsberg‘s (1993) research found in almost all cases, learning difficulties necessitate alternative approaches to achieve vocational success. Often their success depends on how lucky they are in having employers, managers and work colleagues who recognise their abilities. Saunders (1995) echoes this by noting that bright, creative, personable, likeable employees advancing up the company ladder can be frightened that the next step up is a desk job, has a greater emphasis on reading and writing. It is recommended that a good secretary is offered to handle these obstacles to advancements. Gerber, Ginsberg and Reiff (1992) noted that ‗learned creativity‘ was one of the characteristics of the highly successful dyslexic, using problem-solving and devising compensating strategies to address their weaknesses. Another was ‗goodness of fit‘ and the seeking and use of support systems, as two external factors in dyslexics succeeding at work.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Goodness of Fit As noted earlier, the right job (goodness of fit as described by Gerber et al, 1992) that fits into a dyslexic‘s range of strengths and weaknesses is vital in a dyslexics‘ success in the workplace. Morgan and Klein (2003) argue that whilst office work is perceived to be the easiest to get, they are often roles that dyslexics will experience great difficulty in due to their reading and writing difficulties. They also note Tom, a delivery driver faced problems in his inability to leave a note that a delivery slot had been missed, so made countless journeys until the customer was at home. So was this the right job for him? I know of other delivery drivers that take their spouses in the truck with them to map read and deal with locating correct delivery/collection points. Many dyslexics find that it is only when in the workplace that they discover the true effects of their difficulties, and how to get around them (coping strategies). However it is also in the workplace, that they may uncover real talents and begin to thrive, as they can showcase their abilities. Klein & Sunderland (1998) note a young person labelled a slow learner in school, who began at 16 yrs old in a routine factory position, but within a short time had rewired one of the components in such a way it was more efficient and used less wire, saving the company large amounts of money. Thus dyslexics can think out of the box and see things that other do not or can not, as they are not straight-jacketed by what has been done before-convention.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

168

Neil Alexander-Passe

Resigning Yourself to a Dead-end Job Susan a factory worker had low self-esteem and was unable to acknowledge any ambitions, during her assessment she said she was quite happy working in a factory. After her diagnosis she was encouraged to consider enrolling on a college course and to receive support with her reading and writing; however she said that there was nothing she wanted to do. It was only after the assessor said that someone with similar problems to her had done a catering course and now had her own business. She then came alive and said ‗that‘s what I‘ve always wanted to do‘ she went the next day to the local college to enrol on a catering course. This suggests that in reality they want something better but are afraid to ask (a repeat of disappointment) as they have low self-worth. The diagnosis and mentoring empowered Susan to dream and think what she really wanted to do with her life.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Should Dyslexics Cover up their Dyslexia at Work? Do they know you are dyslexic at work? Yes. I kind of decided when I changed my job, because of the role it was, I was going to be very clear all the way through the recruitment process and when I got into the team. To be very explicit to what the problems were and to get support there. I felt a bit coerced into telling people, like the manager saying „you will tell everybody, won‟t you?‟, so that began with, then „when will you tell them, what are you going to tell them, you need to tell them soon‟, so I think in the end I found the most comprehensive description of the problems a dyslexic might have and emailed everybody that. I think they thought I had all of the problems I wrote about, all I really wanted them to know was I was dyslexic and dyspraxic and I might need some adjustments made for me and to be understood. I felt I was pushed a bit to send out that general email, having done that I felt exposed, as I wasn‟t given the support by my employer, so I had to fight for it and get the union involved. It got messy and fraught. So I got stress from their lack of adjustment. It sounds surprising for a social work job, you got no support and needed to be protected from the people who were not only paid to know better but to help others. So you needed your own social worker really? The irony for me was I was working for an NHS (National Health Service] mental health team in the UK as a social worker, but they didn‟t identify that I was getting unwell there, getting extremely stressed and losing the plot. So that‟s when I talked to the union person and she was the one that told me to see a doctor, she said „you look like you are at the end of your tether‟, but no one at work had picked it up. Which is worrying. (Norman). In my immediate family, there are some with severe dyslexia, and in my extended family. Talking to them and going back into my historical family to look for dyslexia in my family history, like my great grandfather had been a supervisor at a chemical works factory, but always kept a notebook with him with the spellings of certain words. He refused promotions to jobs where he would have needed to write. So you start to piece together other bits of information, it is no surprise that I am dyslexic. (Norman). In an ideal world one should be able to tell your employer about any difficulties you are facing at work, and that you should tell them when they offer you the job that they may need to make certain allowances for this or that. Only when you have disclosed to them any

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Careers and the Workplace

169

problems you are facing and they have ignored them or others have been promoted over you without good reason, do you have any legal rights to question their actions. In both the UK and US there are disability legislation/acts of parliaments which protect those with disabilities such as dyslexia, but they rely on disclosure. But is it easy to disclose? The above interview evidence suggests that disclosing is complex and many dyslexics feel threatened by telling others they have difficulties. They would rather change jobs than be promoted, to camouflage their literacy and numeracy difficulties.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„Declaring dyslexia in an interview is such a gamble, and it‟s so misunderstood that some people just think you‟re stupid or insanely gifted like in the film „Rainman‟, but not that we are people with gaps in our skills, who will do just fine at most things as long as its what you‟re good at‟ (Lomo, 2011). From the research in ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘, there were many similarities made between being dyslexic and being gay or having mental health difficulties. A recent campaign concerning mental health in the UK talks about ‗having an elephant in the office‘. This relates to things hidden in the workplace which are huge but unseen. Those who feel they are hiding a huge problem spend so much energy hiding their problem that this makes them highly sensitive to issues and at times will use their holiday/vacation allowance to visit doctors to gain treatment required to moderate their symptoms. Does this get the best out of workers in the workplace, I would argue not. Whilst being gay is more acceptable in society at present, having a mental illness is still seen as a social stigma. In the 1980‘s/90‘s when AIDS was spun by the media as a huge problem, it took Princess Diana to hug an AIDS victim for the world to begin to accept the condition as one that was not easily transmitted by touch or close proximity. Do people still believe that touching someone who is gay, dyslexic or schizophrenic will mean they will develop the conditions? Maybe? Does being gay, dyslexic or schizophrenic mean they are unable to work as well as their peers? This is the crux of the problem. If society used the social model of disability (that we are ALL different) rather than the medical model (those who are different need to be fixed), there will be more acceptance in the workplace and society, and that employers will be more accepting. I remember a time in the 1980‘s when AIDS was perceived as a huge problem, everyone using public toilets put toilet paper down on seats to protect themselves. AIDS was never transferrable by toilet seats, but this was the public going on overdrive as a frensinavia towards those with a perceived highly contagious disease. I can‘t however remember the same frenzy with the more recent global chicken-flu epidemic. But why? One research participant note that when he disclosed to his employer, he was told that he then needed to tell his colleagues in his office in simple terms about his disability (dyslexia). The amazing thing is that he worked for a local government mental health authority and he was treated really badly. He needed to educate his manager and colleagues in simple terms when he had only just been diagnosed and was learning about his condition himself. He was asked to generalise dyslexia to basic symptoms, but all with dyslexia know you get good days and bad ones, one day you can spell well and the next you can‘t – thus how do you tell others about this. No wonder the actual disclosure created stress and anxiety that led him to develop depression.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

170

Neil Alexander-Passe

Social Construct: Is Dyslexia only a Disability at School?

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Do you ever get frustrated/annoyed by your learning difficulties? Reading and spelling did annoy me at school; I think that it only annoyed me at school. Therefore, you think dyslexia is mainly about school, a disability at school, not as an adult? It depends on what line of work you go into, it is not a disability in my area. I mean I am really good at what I do, but I am not in an area of work where you have to write things down and to be organised, but why would you go into a job like that, if you were not going to be good at it. I am sure most people who are dyslexic would avoid such jobs. I think you would only go for a job interview for a job you would be good at. Many dyslexics are not good at visual, art and craft skills. I think most dyslexics are good in such areas like, music and design. I think there are many nondyslexics who are not good at the job they are in. I think if I did not work in design, I would be a hairdresser so really any job to avoid office work, as I know it would be the most ridiculous job for me. Some dyslexics go for office work as it is the easiest for them to get, but I am sure after a while they will find it is just not the right job for them. I would feel sorry for them if it is the only job they can get, but there are many jobs out there. So yes, I do think it is a disability at school. If you can consider back in cave man times, each pack had people good at certain jobs, like the alpha male and it is the same now, everybody has something they are good at. Now the school system expects everybody to be intelligent, being good academically does not mean you have a high intelligence; everybody is good at something at school like art or sport. But if you are not, you are labelled in school if you are good at things, but it is the people at the other end of the spectrum, as they do not fit into the system they are labelled. You can label everybody‟s weaknesses but at the same time you can label anyone‟s strength, so the only reason I think that dyslexia has a label, it is the other end of the spectrum with people who aren‟t good at certain things, we can‟t all be good at the same things. (Izzy) Do you think the problem is us (dyslexics) or the world around us? No, I do not believe there is a problem. To hear some people say [things, or] to receive certain reactions, if it can be agreed that we have difficulties in learning, which doesn‟t make us inferior or worse than others, then why can‟t it be agreed that in a situation where people don‟t have a condition, that won‟t act or respond, not as relative to our class as the norm (as normal). I do not think it is a problem, I do not see it as a problem with them or us, and it is just a lack of understanding. If they understood dyslexia and the implications of dyslexia there would be less problems encountered. You were talking about ‘normal’, do you feel normal? What is normal? Do you feel normal? Well, what is normal? (Jordan) I don‟t regard myself as disabled by it, I regard myself as disabled by how other people see it and whenever I meet dyslexics I sort of tell them that, especially kids who are feeling…don‟t know how to feel about it and I can kind of see something switching in their face when I put it to them like that, it is quite a state of mind – another coping strategy. (Milly). So how do you just turn and say ‘that’s because I’m dyslexic’ or do you self-blame? I do sometimes say „silly me‟ but generally speaking I have got a lot better in the last few years, being older and being the age I am now, in the last 15yrs years, I have said to people, one of the problems with being dyslexic and because the world is constructed in the way it is, it actually takes you far longer to actually get to grips with this world then if you are a normal person and it may take up to 15yrs longer. (Trixie).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Careers and the Workplace

171

Many dyslexics would argue that the social construct that dyslexia is only relevant in school is wrong and misleading, as the evidence points to dyslexia being a lifelong disability/disorder. Whilst you won‘t see or hear about dyslexia in adult circles, it does not mean its not there. Adult dyslexics, who seem to cope well as adults, have developed coping strategies that allow for their difficulties, and circumvent their difficulties. They develop support structures and patterns of behaviour that make them look normal – so they don‘t stand out. Dyslexia is understood to mean illiteracy in most workplaces, thus dyslexia is perceived as negative and a form of low intelligence.

Is Dyslexia a Taboo Subject?

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

But probably talking to you is the most honest I‟ve felt or at ease talking about my problems for a long time. I don’t think people really talk about how they feel about their difficulties; it’s like a taboo subject. Yes, the same as the homosexual was 20 yrs ago. It‟s similar to how I feel; it astounded me thinking back about it. You are right there are similar themes to it. Yes. I guess coming out is similar to coming out that you are gay? Yes. It’s a fascinating link, fascinating. I‟ll wait for „ how dyslexics are homosexual‟ link next. I used to work out that it is the same occurrence. They said that one in five is gay and also they say that one in five could be dyslexic. I should put a patent on that. (Ronnie). In certain circles dyslexia is perceived as cool and an asset e.g. in artists, designers, actors etc. I know of many companies that seek out dyslexics, as they believe they have the rare ability to see complex three dimensional models (e.g. buildings, plumbing plans, videos, magazine layouts etc) before they are built. This has the ability to save time and money and see problems before they crop up. However in other professions, many dyslexics might hide their difficulties e.g writers/proof-readers, surgeons, nursing etc for fear of discrimination. A second aspect of dyslexia as a possible taboo subject is, have you ever discussed dyslexia in a social setting. How much would your friends know about it? Everyone has an opinion about homosexuality, communism, the current government etc. But would you discuss dyslexia? Would mothers discuss dyslexia with other mothers without the fear of their child being perceived as abnormal, lazy or stupid? Would it stop mothers making play dates with their child for fear of them not mixing with other suitably intelligent children? Whilst it is common for children to be inconsiderate towards children they perceive as strange and abnormal, they do so without the social skills adults learn to think and stay silent - thus children demonstrate their thoughts without worry of how they are perceived. Adults on the other hand have learnt the social skills of thinking and staying silent, as it is the polite thing to do (or so they are taught by their parents). Does this mean they don‘t think the same as children? Are they any more flexible and adaptable? More polite? But what does polite actually mean? Food for thought I think.

Being Rejected or Rejecting others and Discrimination at Work Have you ever felt rejected because of your difficulties? Yes, yes, yes. When my memory has let me down, some of the rejection is probably within myself and as I have not felt good

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

172

Neil Alexander-Passe

enough to do something, so it‟s from the fear of rejection rather than actually being rejected. You said that you had a low self-worth. Yes, I was rejecting myself a lot of the time. Some examples of that was, being excluded from the class choir and being the only person to come in at lunchtime to do extra singing lessons. To be fair to the teachers they were trying to be helpful but it felt like a punishment (at the time), but that was rejection…yes. Do you think you rejected society or was it more that society rejected you? Um. It was probably me, yep. I just did not quite fit into mainstream society and I still do not. (Brian).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How does it affect your life? It affects my confidence; I think a lot is down to worrying what people think. I have just started a job, working in the local Tesco‟s, because I need to get some…[money] and get off income support, to get out of a rut basically. Getting this job is going backwards a bit, but I took the job to get myself back into the swing of working and when I went to my interview, I explained about myself doing a PhD, but when I needed to write things down they were looking at me and [I perceived] as if to say you are doing a PhD and you can‟t spell „listen‟ and I felt myself shrinking as if I was a bit stupid and it‟s because people still have this perception that reading and writing is a sign of intelligence, but I‟m very aware of that and it affects my confidence and self-esteem. (Maureen). Do you see a link between the stress of the job and depression? No, it was not the stress of the job. The people I was working with were okay with my dyslexia. The problem was the branch manager changed nearly every year, and every time a new manager came in I had to explain what my difficulties were and I found out later from the human resources department, they were all told to try and get rid of me. I found out after I left, as I was quite friendly with an old boss that „they had been trying to get rid of you for years‟. To take this a step further, as they needed to give a reason to close the shop, as the council did not want them to shut the shop, so they tried to persuade them to not shut. As there was a new shopping mall going up and in the new mall a competitor was being offered more floor space. to make you understand this better, two years after they shut the shop, they came back to the city, to a new shop with even less floor space than they had before, so basically it was an exercise to get me out. As if I had taken them on, with how they treated me (under the new discrimination act) they would have HAD problems. The problems started after my second year with them, they said they needed to get a work psychologist to assess what my problems were. sIix years later I was still waiting for this work (psychologist review), so basically they said there was a problem but did nothing about it. So you had work discrimination then. Yes. In fact, at one point they got the local disability advisor from the local job centre to act as an intermediatary between my supervisor and me. The advisor said to me privately that I was being treated very badly there but could not use the term „discrimination‟ in any report or officially say this. But they knew what was going on but did not do a thing about it because it was a large well-known company, which was powerful. When I took the job, they had the interviews at the job centre and as my dyslexia was recognised then, they felt a large company would have positive discrimination towards dyslexics. (George). How much is known about dyslexia in the general population? Are employers aware about it? It‘s covered by the Disability Discrimination Act in the UK and similar legislation in the US, but if a new employee was dyslexic, would they know what to do for them? What ‗adjustments‘ would they make, or would they just choose an employee without any form of disability? If a current employee informs their employer they have dyslexia, would

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Careers and the Workplace

173

they be perceived as lying on their application form? Would they be passed over concerning promotion? It is hard to prove either way, but a lot goes on in large organisations that are difficult to understand/explain. Evidence in this book suggests that some organisations have discriminatory practices, but how much can be done about it?

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Disclosure of your Dyslexia So you feel you are very open about it so they blamed the dyslexia not you? Its one of the first thing I say, but I suppose I use it as an excuse. I do not mind telling people I am dyslexic, as it is who you are. I would be lying if I said I do not use it as an excuse. I guess it is because I have been told I am stupid a lot growing up, you are quite eager to tell people the reason why you cannot do things. How do people normally react to you telling them you are dyslexic? Most people say „really, you don‟t look dyslexic‟, because I think a lot of people have this perception of dyslexia and disability, they have this idea about people with a disability, and because I‟m quite well-spoken I can get through day-to-day life quite well, I‟m quite good at hiding all the little things I do to get me through it, like you can‟t see the „L‟ on my left hand or the numerous notes I have about „don‟t forget this‟ and things. I am quite good at hiding it so people do not know, or they see things I do not really have. I am confused, first you say that you are willing to be open and tell people you are dyslexic quite fast but also you also say you are good at covering it up. I know. I pretty good at covering up things that I perceive to be my weaknesses. If I say I‟m dyslexic then it make me quite a creative person, it makes me answer questions in ways that others might not think of then I‟m alright in saying I‟m dyslexic. Anything that might makes people think you should be able to do everyday things, I quite like to hide it, as I don‟t like the idea of being special and needing someone to help you, even though there is no shame in it and you should ask for help, that sort of thing…I don‟t want other people to see me not being able to do what everybody else can do. (Kirsty). Being brave enough to disclose ones dyslexia or difference at work, as noted earlier is fraught with difficulties. People may ask if you are good at covering this up, what else have you not told. Should all things be disclosed to employers? A hard argument to counter, but one that may need to be challenged if it affects your work. Many would argue disclosure is a positive step, one that means that they are asking for help in an area they are having problems in, rather than always being overly concerned about covering it up. Would a dyslexic be better able to serve an employer if they had the support requested (in many cases a decent spellchecker and a digital Dictaphone)? Would they be less anxious about their difficulties if support structures were in place to check letters or reports for poor spellings or illogical grammar? Morgan and Klein (2003) argue that the decision to disclose or not to an employer is often based on a dyslexic individual‘s feelings rather than rational weighing up of pros and cons. Many are reluctant to discuss their dyslexia for fear of prejudice or negative responses.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

174

Neil Alexander-Passe

Rejecting the World Have you ever felt rejected because of your difficulties? Yes. You said you don’t work because you feel the world isn’t ready for you. Yes, it requires me to have certain skills which I have difficulty in displaying or just don‟t have. Do you feel more rejected by them, or you rejected them yourself? I have various thoughts about this. I decided to take the positive [step] because I could; the positive step was to reject them. Getting things wrong, you were talking before about this anger, intense anger, does that happen a lot. Not very often at all now [now I‟m out of the system] (Trixie). Some dyslexics after surviving school and the workplace, feel after any years of trying to fit in and compete in the non-dyslexic world, that enough is enough. They choose to withdraw and not compete anymore. Is this a sign of weakness or strength? Is it a weakness to withdraw or is it a defensive mechanism that works well? Are they less anxious? Probably yes. Are they able to be themselves rather than someone they are not? Probably yes. So one could argue that withdrawal is a positive step. Others might also argue that withdrawal is ‗throwing in the towel‘ and giving up. Would parents and teachers allow a child to give up on things, or would they motivate them to try again and again? How do you learn to swim, talk, drive a car etc. Failure is continuous until it clicks. Most dyslexics gain fluency in language, and research (Nicolson and Fawcett) suggests dyslexics require tens and maybe hundreds more repetitions of actions before fluency is gained (compared to non-dyslexics), but it takes time, patience and motivation.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Working for yourself „The thing about running a business, if you are dyslexic is if you are not sure about something you can take your time until you get it right. You haven‟t got a boss looking over your shoulder making you feel like a moron‟ (DarrenB, 2011). „It is hard at times especially if there are contracts to read and sign, but it is the best thing I have ever done and I have surrounded myself with the people I need to make my job easer‟ (Mark, 2011). „But I have to say that I love being self employed. It means I can organise my life and work around MY strengths and not around my weaknesses‟ (RodDuncan, 2011). The above comments suggest that dyslexics can find working for themselves (selfemployment) to be more rewarding, less stressful, and better suited to their strengths and weaknesses. Most dyslexics I know who are self-employed echo the above comments and feel not only are they are being successful in what they are good at, but experience less stress on a daily basis. Dyslexics tend to be better at the public-facing positions and are very personable, are better orally than on paper, but have difficulties with the paperwork aspect of running their own business. Spouses/partners therefore come into play as vital support structures that make sure items/stock are ordered in time and that all tax/banking matters are sorted out. One volunteer in ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ noted that he used to ring his wife and say ‗quickly write this down‘ as he was unable to remember information until he got home or back to his car.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Careers and the Workplace

175

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Morgan and Klein (203) note that often due to difficulties at work, with employers, they choose to be self-employed to gain the allowances needed for them to show their skills and abilities. This seems to be in their favour, research indicates a very high frequency of successful entrepreneurs are dyslexic, who use their practical skills to their advantage and utilize others as support structures (Gerber et al.,1992; Logan 2009, 2010). As Professor Logan (2009) notes ‗There is a much higher incidence of dyslexia in entrepreneurs than in the normal corporate management population in the US and the UK. The incidence of dyslexia in entrepreneurs is also much higher than the incidence in the population in general. The research findings suggest that dyslexic entrepreneurs may be more comfortable in a start-up or a serial entrepreneurial role so that they are able to do things in their own way. It may also be that the corporate management environment is not conducive to dyslexics or that there are barriers that prevent dyslexics from achieving corporate management roles‘ This quote supports the notion that dyslexics have greater freedom to do things ‗their own way‘ in self-employment, and this seems to pay dividends, compared to working in the corporate world where their weaknesses are seen as more of a problem in working in conventional/traditional ways. The research also indicates that the use of family and mentors are vital factors for dyslexic‘s success, compared with education in non-dyslexics.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 12

SUCCESSFUL AND UNSUCCESSFUL DYSLEXICS Successful Dyslexics

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Would you call yourself a successful dyslexic? To a certain degree, yes. But I would say it has been very hard to get where I am. You know, I‟m a very stubborn person and if I put my mind to do something, I‟ve always been like that to a certain extent. So yes but I‟ve had to work very hard to get there. (Andrea). Do you feel that you are reaching your potential? No! I think my opportunities to reach my potential were reduced by me being diagnosed too late. I think going back into education when I did, showed that I missed out on so much opportunity. Would you call yourself a successful dyslexic? Yes. I think that in spite of the lack of help when I was at school, I think that I am in professional employment, a professional and I have a higher education qualification, I am happy in my job and happy in my life. What makes a dyslexic successful? [Long pause] the main thing for anybody is to be happy, but I think to basically achieve in a world not made for us. It is a difficult one to define. For me, it is not about having a degree. It is about being happy with where you are at. Yes, I agree. Would you call yourself a successful dyslexic? I would like to think I‟m as successful as I want to be now, but I want to become more so. What do you think makes you a successful dyslexic? Being positive, not bitching about it, moaning about it, saying „I‟m dyslexic, help me, I have a disability‟ I hate that in anyone with making anything an excuse. Don‟t use anything as an excuse, not being dyslexic. If you are going to be successful you will, no matter what. Just do not use dyslexia as an excuse. Know when you are wrong and accept it, no one is perfect and that you will make shit-loads of mistakes. To not be afraid of failing as well. So it sounds like being contented with your life, not resenting your past. Not resenting it one bit, it‟s who I am. I wouldn‟t change anything about my life. (Izzy). Would you call yourself a successful dyslexic? Yes. I think that comparing what I have done to what I could have left school with. I could have left school at sixteen years old and done nothing. I think that I put a lot of the good characteristics of dyslexia, like being inordinately stubborn to good use and I wasn‟t going to let people say that „you can‟t do this‟, I‟ve been to university and I have my BA, you know I think I am successful as a dyslexic and I think that dyslexia got me there and I‟m not sorry for that. So what do you think makes a dyslexic successful? Reaching your potential or getting a degree? I think you have to set your own

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

178

Neil Alexander-Passe

rating of successful, my view of it might not be suitable for someone else, and I would never tell anyone that my version is the right one. I said I wanted to get a degree and I did, that for me is my success. I think as long as someone says to you „I want to do this‟ and you are in your powers to say „I will help you get there‟, then you are a success as long as you know you worked really hard for it, that you did what you wanted to do and it was painful and hard, you got it and you are happy with that, then that makes you successful. I do not think you should cramp (judge) anybody else‟s success, in terms of some people getting through school is a success if they are dyslexic and hate it that much, for them that is success. As long as you give someone, an idea of what success could be, make them reach for something, that is important and that is what success is. (Kirsty). Would you call yourself a successful dyslexic? [Pause] yes, as I am not in prison. Why prison? So many dyslexics end up in prison. Most cannot read and write. But the fact that I have what I have, with whatever means I have used to get it, makes me successful. I am successful, as I have a lovely family and I am not in prison yet. Do you think it is a fine line to your past that you might have ended up in prison? Probably being Jewish is part of why I am not. (Malcolm).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Would you call yourself a successful dyslexic? I would say I was successful at hiding it for thirty-three years. I think subsequently I have been told I am successful, people have said to me „it is really impressive, you have done really well‟. Basically I got half way through my master‟s course and doing very well before I was diagnosed. They said „you have O‟levels, A‟levels, and an undergraduate degree, and you didn‟t have any support!…That‟s fantastic‟ and I sort of flipped one-hundred-and-eighty degrees with the feelings I had about it, that I didn‟t do as well as I should have done, that I could have done better, as there were people now saying „you did really well, considering all the stuff you had to deal with‟. So I kind of probably am, but I don‟t feel successful in my own camp, so in some ways I kind of…it‟s difficult. (Norman). Would you call yourself a successful dyslexic? I might turn it round and say that I am successful and I am dyslexic, which sits more comfortable with me (Shelley). The above interview evidence is quite powerful in explaining that whilst some dyslexics may conclude they could be seen as successful, they acknowledge that with early diagnosis they could have been even more successful. I question whether their late diagnosis was their motivation to be successful? It gave them a drive and energy to prove others wrong. The anger was important in them getting up in the morning and not taking no for an answer. It is much easier to give up and give in, in the face of critics and negativity. But as we are the result of our environment and up bringing, we are what we are because of what we have been through – thus are successful dyslexics a reaction to their environment?

Unsuccessful Dyslexics Would you call yourself a successful dyslexic? No. What do you think you would need to call yourself a successful dyslexic? A degree? Well. I think a degree is just one milestone to complete. For me at this age, if at a young age I had achieved my degree it would have made an advantage in my life, that would be more than an achievement, to respect myself. A degree

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Successful and Unsuccessful Dyslexics

179

is to achieve something that I was not equipped to achieve [when I was younger]. It was not that I was not inspired and that people were not there for me, I just did not do it. (Jordan). Would you call yourself a successful dyslexic? No, because there is so much more I want to achieve. Do you feel you are reaching your potential? No. Do you feel you will ever reach it? I hope so. (Jean).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Would you call yourself a successful dyslexic? No, I wouldn‟t say I was. Perhaps its just I‟m accepting that I am where I am, I do what I do, and I can‟t change the past, but there is the opportunity to change the future. To sit back to think and ask myself if I‟m successful or unsuccessful? [pause] you can wallow in that for a long time, and then you suddenly realise you have wasted a lot of time, something that‟s not productive. Many dyslexics feel that having a degree is their mark of success, to get to that point. But you have that and beyond but still you don’t feel you are successful? I have achieved a lot of things which is quite good, I‟ve stood for parliament, I got a degree, I‟m now teaching which is something I really enjoy, I believe that education is a life long thing and I encourage everyone that they can do it. So one of my frustrations with education is the way we put children through school and teach that there is a correct answer to everything and I try and teach people not to believe that, to think about it and challenge it and try and understand it themselves. The word coming into my mind now is ‘potential’. Have you reached your potential? No. There is always more to do. Someone down at one of the London universities has something good written as an end line to his email „if we knew what we were doing we wouldn‟t need to do research‟. And I think that sums up my attitude, if I knew what I was doing I would get bored, I want to do something new all the time. (Harry). Would you call yourself a successful dyslexic? [Long pause] I have to answer that no. Why? Because I am never happy with what I have done. You were comparing yourself with your dyslexic brother with the degrees and qualifications, would you call him a successful dyslexic? [Long pause] I would not call him a successful dyslexic because he has degrees, I would call him more successful than me because he is more contented with life, whether he is or not I do not know, I do not see him that often. I would hazard a guess he is more contented with life and I am very discontented with my achievements. Do you think he is happier and more contented because he is reaching his potential? Yes maybe. Do you think you are? No. Near it? No. So what would be reaching it? When I have a house in Africa, Costa Rica and I do not need to work anymore So it is about money then? Unfortunately, yes, and that is one of the things I hate about myself. I used to be incredibly materialistic, crave a nice bike or car, and crave to be seen to have money. I do not care about that anymore, so I am not as materialistic as I used to be. (Peter). Would you call you’re a successful dyslexic? Nope, not yet. Every dyslexic feels they have under-achieved don‟t they. Do you think when you get a degree that you will be a successful dyslexic? Yes. No I don‟t think I will actually, because even if I get it, it would be like, thinking „I got support, so it‟s not really me‟. So you think the support you get would take from the value of the achievement? Yes. Don’t you think getting the support is purely there to be a support; they aren’t doing it for you? In a way, but it still feels like that. (Ronnie). Success is very different to different people, and is dependent on upbringing, peers and society. To some dyslexics success is gaining a degree, to others its publishing a book.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

180

Neil Alexander-Passe

Potential is mentioned in the above quotes, the evidence suggests that until they reach their potential or near it, they would not call themselves successful. They seem very affected by their childhood and schooling, in that there have been so many missed chances, and now they feel damaged by their history. Peter suggests its being contented with life that breeds success in his eyes, Harry and others feel that there is so much to do and that success is actually making a difference to educations (they want to fix it).

WHAT MOTIVATES DYSLEXICS TO SUCCEED

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

If it Was Easy for Dyslexics, Maybe they Wouldn’t Achieve so Much? The interview evidence is very mixed but the sentiment as noted by Andrea is a strong theme, that to a certain extent they feel successful, but it had been very hard work to get to where they are now. George accepts that in the academic world he might be seen as a failure, but in the charity and campaigning world he is a success. A theme of success in non-work related areas of life is apparent from reading the interview extracts. Malcolm related success as not being in prison, as he had managed to make a living from very little paper qualifications and abilities. The quote from Norman is interesting as he chose to answers that he felt he was successful at hiding his dyslexia for the last thirty-three years. Is this really success? The interviews tried to investigate what they thought successful was and reaching their own potential came out high on their list. It was clear from many that gaining a degree was not a mark of success, and those with one or more than one degree did not feel they were successful. Whilst reaching potential is hard to attain, many did not feel they were anywhere near it or on their way to it, suggesting helplessness in directing their own career choices and progression. Being a success despite your disability or learning difference could be turned round. Are you successful because of your difference, because you thought you would prove your parents and teachers wrong! Prove to them you are not stupid or illiterate. This drive or passion is also driven by anger. They are angry at the injustice and want to show them. As a child I told myself when I get a degree I would shove it under the noses of my primary teachers and say ‗you were wrong‘! This is the sort of thing that drives dyslexics to excel, and to excel beyond the scope of non-dyslexic siblings and peers. Research by Willsdon (2005, p. 107) would support such a view, he suggests ‗entrepreneurs may be more likely to emerge from those groups in society which are deprived or marginal: that is, groups which are discriminated against, persecuted, looked down upon or exceptionally exploited‘. Shaperso (1975), Stanworth and Curran (1976), Hagen (1962) and Smith (2008) also support such a view, and argue that enterprising behaviour could be a compensation created by a personal drive to rebalance an imbalance in both their lives and in the lives of similar others, with Smith specifically researching dyslexics. It is therefore argued that dyslexics experience both displacement and social margination, which may be the impetus to successfully self-employment.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Successful and Unsuccessful Dyslexics

181

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Post-traumatic Growth Scott (2004) argues that ‗post-traumatic growth‘ (Calhoun and Tesdesch, 1999; O‘Leary, Alday and Ickovics 1998) is another possible explanation to why some dyslexics do well in life following a traumatic childhood (schooling). Defined by Tedeshi and Calhoun (2004) as the positive change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances‘, and for some the improvements can be profound. It is argued that individuals commonly come out of harsh experiences stronger and more motivated to succeed in life, thus turning trauma in a positive (Craib, 1994). Whilst Nietzche‘s assertion ‗what does not kill us makes us stronger‘, it sometimes comes down to who supports the individual (another adult) changing their attribution outlook (the ability to change negative outlooks into ones with more positives). Many survivors of life threatening disease, war, abuse, immigration and death of loved ones have survived and been proactive in life, with many taking such an experience as the impetuous to educate others about their trauma (Berger and Weiss, 2006; Linley and Joseph, 2004). The same could be said for those who find religion or personal impetus for positive change following near-death experiences. Linley and Joseph (2002, p. 15) and Tedeshi and Calhoun (1996) suggests that 30-90% of survivors report some positive change following trauma (relationships are enhanced, feeling increased compassion, greater appreciation of life, changes of priorities, warmer and more intimate relationships, greater sense of personal strength, recognition of new possibilities or paths for one‘s life and spiritual development), explained as having ‗an increased sense of personal resiliency and strength, perhaps coupled with a greater acceptance of their vulnerabilities and limitations‘. It is argued that positives can come out of distress and the two can co-exist happily together and feed off one another as further impetus for change and personal growth. Aldwin (1994) argues that following a trauma, an individual can choose whether such an experience can be maladaptive or adaptive, and this important choice can set them into either a spiral of positivity or negativity, the latter, it is argued, can in some cases lead to depression, withdrawal and self-harm. Prior optimistic experiences are important in such a choice, which may explain why some individuals are more resilient than others (Tedeshi and Calhoun, 2004), however they also note that such major life crises typically lead to unpleasant psychological reactions. Many paradoxes are noted in post-traumatic growth individuals, such as ‗I am more vulnerable, yet stronger‘, which indicates that they are realistic that they may be damaged from such experiences, but feel empowered by it, to do what they were unable to or unwilling to do before. Such individuals have been known to lose inhibitions/fear of failure, as they feel they have been given a second chance to do all those things they really wanted to do. Changing careers or leaving the rat race of the daily commute to the city to work have been known to those who have survived train/plane crashes. In the case of dyslexics, it is argued that post-traumatic growth is a relevant theory, as many dyslexics experience daily trauma at school over a long period of time, but seem to leave school with a sense of purpose and a drive to succeed at college/university, business and in their personal lives. The memory of school could be seen as further impetus to ‗prove others wrong‘ and show that they are not in fact stupid or unable to have a purposeful and fulfilling career. Themes noted by participants in this study, included a strong sense of proving others wrong and having a drive to prove to others they are intelligent. Paradoxes are also found in dyslexics, where they resent their own time at school, but train to be teachers to

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

182

Neil Alexander-Passe

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

try and make a difference to the lives of others that struggle in education. They understand they are re-entering the lions den, but see a great reason to over-come their fears of education and working within a harsh educational system that is dyslexic unfriendly.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 13

SPOUSES/PARTNERS OF DYSLEXICS (A RESEARCH STUDY) This chapter is based on a research project commissioned for this book and interviewed four non-dyslexic partners of dyslexics. More details can be found in Appendix four, at the end of this book. The aim of this chapter is to confirm from non-dyslexic partners, the evidence present earlier in this book by dyslexics. It also acts as stand-alone research, studying the relationships that dyslexics have to the outside world.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Empirical Review Many voices in dyslexia argue that dyslexia is as obvious in adulthood as in childhood, through the development of advanced coping strategies that allow a sense of normality to be projected (Alexander-Passe, 2010, Scott, 2004, McNutty 2003). Dyslexics are very conscious of their difficulties or differences, and thus can create a secondary persona to operate in the wider community (Alexander-Passe, 2010, 2012; Scott, 2004). This persona or shell, works the majority of the time, however when it drops or cracks it can be not only highly embarrassing, but can demonstrate how vulnerable they are without it and how much they rely on such strategies. It also confirms their abnormality compared to their peers, and how those around them could perceive them as strange and abnormal (Alexander-Passe, 2012, Scott, 2004). The question now is raised about closer relationships, firstly with family and work colleges, and secondly with friendships which can lead to dating and marriage (long-term relationships). Can the dyslexic operate their secondary persona in such instances? Different family structures offer differing levels of support, siblings would have been aware of their struggles, but in adulthood may not be aware of how much they are still affected by their dyslexia. Parents are more likely to understand their child‘s difficulties, especially the dominant parent (e.g. the mother), however they may be blinkered to the extent their learning difficulties may affect relationships with others, as they are so used to their dyslexic child that they are oblivious to their differences. In the main they are relieved their child has survived school and gained employment, and to them this has meant they have ‗over-come‘ their difficulties and moved on.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

184

Neil Alexander-Passe

In the workplace the dyslexic is there to perform a task or role, and in positive environments this has meant ‗reasonable adjustments‘ have allowed them to perform their tasks as per their peers (e.g. dictaphones, spell/grammar-checkers, other ICT). Work colleagues only see the secondary persona, as in most cases they do not have time to think further. Personally, I worked with a colleague for 12 years who always kept a chocolate KitKat by his desk, and always ate one after lunch. I was hungry one day and said how about sharing it and he got strange about that. One day as a joke I moved it and he went ballistic, way out of proportion to the misdemeanour (he was always pulling jokes at work). Many years later he took time off from work due to depression, and this turned out to be related to his secondary persona at work and socially about his diabetes. He needed long-term counselling support due to coming to terms with his diabetes, and having the ability to tell those around him that he had diabetes (hence the emergency chocolate). He felt unable to tell those around him, even people sharing his same office, and the company first-aider that he had a medical problem. So it is not surprising that work colleagues do not notice dyslexia or other differences, but just see people having strange habits or routines. Much could be said for dyslexics, who heavily rely on routines to cope in the everyday world (Alexander-Passe, 2010, 2012; Scott, 2004), and their reluctance to disclose their dyslexia to others for fear of embarrassment, bullying, and reduced promotion prospects (McLoughlin et al., 2002). When it comes to friendships, it is noted by Alexander-Passe (2010a, 2012a) that dyslexics avoid mixing socially with work colleagues, as they lack confidence in general discussions (e.g. discussing news events and other topics) in large groups, as they feel unable to keep track of conversations and remember what has or hasn‘t been said earlier. This is felt to be greater in groups where they feel others are superior to themselves in intelligence and culture, where they tend to either make their excuses and leave early, or not go at all. Alexander-Passe (2010a, 2012a, b) found that dyslexics generally belittle their views compared to peers, and this adds to their social exclusion. When it comes down to finding long-term partners, their prior avoidance of social situations, means they lack confidence in meeting others. This lack of confidence means they are unable or unwilling to talk to others in social settings, or feel unable to hold down a serious conversation, long enough for another to feel attracted to them. This is before they even mention they are dyslexic and if they dare, their troubled schooling. Marriage offers the dyslexic numerous safeguards but also many new dangers. Whilst it is possible to have a secondary persona at work and with friends, when it comes to living with someone 24/7, the ability to hide being quirky or different is much harder. Partners will see the significant difficulties faced by their dyslexic partners, and how much they rely on routines to survive each day. Without understanding dyslexia (if their partner is even diagnosed) they will begin to get frustrated and angry about their inability to do what they perceive are basic tasks (e.g. taking telephone messages and buying all items from a shopping list). At this point it would be useful to looking at dating and relationships in others with disabilities and specifically learning disabilities (both development and acquired). Parker (1993a) talks about partners becoming carers after their partners became disabled after marriage, noting ‗married couples are left virtually unsupported, either practically or emotionally, at times when their relationship may be under considerable strain. Sexual relationships may falter or cease because of lack of knowledge, embarrassment or not knowing whom to approach for help. Other couples may be left in an empty shell of a

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics

185

marriage because no practical alternatives to their situation are offered‘. National Center for Learning Disabilities-NCLD (2009) suggests this is due to the ‗patient-caregiver relationship. After a while, you may find that you are no longer emotionally attached to the relationship‘, and this means relationships are likely to fail, unless other reasons are found to hold the relationship together. Studies and media comment have focussed on the question whether couples with learning disabilities have firstly the right to marry, secondly should they be sterilised, and lastly if they have children are they intelligent enough to bring them up and therefore should any children be put up for adoption (Marrin, 2008; Smith-Squire, 2009; Beber and Biswas, 2009). The above argument has been focussed on severely learning disabled couples, such as those with Downs Syndrome. Schulz (2008) and Berg, Johnson, Meegan and Strough (2003) suggest that married couples, where one has an acquired learning disability, use a variety of approaches and patterns in their collaboration in their daily lives, including the division and delegation of tasks. Schulz noted that study participants felt this strengthened the relationship, compared to weakening it. Parker (1993a, b) notes that power differences exist in such relationships, which can mean an un-balanced division of household chores. This can also mean that a disabled partner, who has devolved a lot of their power over say financial matters, can feel emasculated, and an unequal partner in the relationship. Whereas the more able partner who takes on ‗more than their fair share‘ of choices can feel over-whelmed by the responsibility, and can develop resentment for such a heavy responsibility. Garee and Cheever (1992) documents examples of several married couples, where one or both members of the couple have disabilities. Coping strategies used include: use of technology, planning of the home environment, focusing on strengths, having realistic expectations of what each other can do, doing what each can do, sense of humour, creating their own roles, finding time for oneself, work, awareness of self-care issues, and a having strong love bond. This need for ‗finding time for oneself‘ is also supported by Schulz (2008), who notes ‗generally speaking, the more severe the disability a participant had, the less alone time they had because of the amount of care or assistance they needed‘. Thus the need for some time out ‗to collect one‘s thoughts‘ was deemed important for their own mental health. This concept of imbalance and weighing the advantages and disadvantages of one's relationship is seen in ‗social exchange theory‘ (Michener, DeLamater & Myers, 2004; Murstein, Ceretto & MacDonald, 1977; Duck, 1983; Cropanzano & Mitchell, 2005). According to this theory, relationships are seen as an exchange between parties as an attempt to increase rewards and reduce costs, and that people evaluate relationships with others via comparing alternatives (Dowd, 1975; Murstein, et al., 1977). This negotiated exchange between parties and is seen as the following equation (OUTCOME = BENEFITS – COSTS), and importantly because different individuals have different expectations of relationships, an individuals satisfaction is dependent on more than just outcome. This difference in expectation is therefore seen as the following (SATISFACTION = OUTCOME – COMPARISON LEVEL), but when the comparison level is different between partners, they determine whether to stay in such a relationship, but this has much to do with the alternatives open to them, they are less dependent on staying in an unhappy relationship, this is described as (DEPENDENCE = OUTCOME – COMPARISON LEVEL OF ALTERNATIVES). Miller (2005) argues against ‗social exchange theory‘, as it reduces human interaction to purely rational processes arising from economic factors, the theory has a linear structure,

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

186

Neil Alexander-Passe

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

where some relationships might skip steps or go backwards, and lastly the theory relies on the ultimate goal of relationships being intimacy. Comparing marriages between disabled and non-disabled, Berg, Johnson, Meegan and Strough (2003) using open-ended interviews with young and old non-disabled married couples investigated how they used collaboration in their relationship. Most couples in Berg et al. reported that they collaborated with each other to make decisions and problem solve about managing finances, household repairs, and other major decisions such as where to live. Patterns were identified in their collaboration, such as division of labour due to traditional sex roles, interests, abilities and/or other motivations, or the use of lead roles in the collaboration. Some of the sample commented that, they believed they complemented each other in their approach, and reported few difficulties in collaboration. Much of the empirical research noted above is concerned with acquired disability, whilst very different to those with dyslexia which is a developmental disorder, the acquired element could however be related to dyslexics gaining identification in their marriage, normally after their children are diagnosed. In such cases, their newly diagnosed dyslexic partner is dealing with psychological issues of resentment and anger, which can lead to depression or other mental health issues. The non-dyslexic partner has already taken on larger shares of household duties and this diagnosis can sometimes be a relief as a label has now been placed on such difficulties. However they can now feel embarrassed by their lack of support up to that point. The above empirical review relating to ‗social exchange theory‘ may be helpful in explaining their mixed emotions in taking on the heavy burden of most household chores, and give understanding to their emotional struggles being in a relationship with someone with social, emotional and learning difficulties/differences. The NCLD (2009) also suggests one of the most important ways you can maintain a healthy and long-lasting relationship between learning disabled and non-disabled partners is by practicing good, clear, open communication.

DATING What Was it like Dating a Dyslexic? „When you are dating you are not altogether aware of it, its not until you have been together for quite awhile, or living together that you gradually become aware that this person has some sort of reading problem. And for me it came about with my ex-husband, long before the introduction of computers, I was aware that he didn‟t read, he just didn‟t read for pleasure‟. (Julie) „I had dated doctors and lawyers before, but thought Mike was unique. To go out with someone practical, who worked for themselves etc. I found that more exciting‟. (Sophie) „Fairly easy for me, no problems at all. When I first knew her, I used to laugh at her poor sense of direction. She used to go completely the wrong way down roads‟. (Ivan) „I did not really notice any major differences. I have always dated quirky people. My husband was just slightly quirky down to his dyslexia‟. (Amber).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics

187

All participants noted that they were not entirely aware of their partner‘s dyslexia whist they were dating, however they recognised they were quirky, exciting and different, but this was attractive to them, as this stood them out to be different to others they had dated before (professionals and more academic), I guess one could call this their USP (unique selling point). They did not question why they were quirky.

When did they Disclose their Dyslexia to you? And why? „I think he told me quite early on, not in the first few weeks, perhaps 6-7 months into our relationship. Why then? I suppose you need to need to write things down and it was getting awkward and he was getting more comfortable with me. So he needed to tell me, and he knew I wouldn‟t have a problem with it, and when he told me I encouraged him to discuss it more‟. (Sophie) „Fairly early on. Why the disclosure? It‟s all down to her sense of direction; she would get times and dates mixed up. So she wanted me to know why‟. (Ivan)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„I don‟t remember, but I think it might have been in the first or second date, whilst talking about school and education‟. (Amber) The non-dyslexic partners in this study had different experiences with disclosure, Sophie was told 6-7 months into their relationship, and Ivan and Amber knew much earlier, probably in the first or second date, in general conversation about childhoods and education. Both Sophie and Ivan were told to explain their partner‘s strange behaviour, which may have been puzzling and off-putting to most. Disclosure is important, as it firstly shows a willingness to be honest about their difficulties, secondly that they felt safe in their relationship to risk being perceived as abnormal, and lastly their ability to cover it up was getting really hard to achieve. Amber found her partner very open and saw dyslexia as part of his lifestyle, and in a positive light. Sophie saw disclosure as a very positive step and encouraged greater dialogue about his difficulties, rather than brushing it off as an insignificant factor in their life.

Did they Hide their Dyslexic Difficulties? „Definitely, it‟s only been a few years (5 years) that he is comfortable telling people about it. He will tell others quite openly. He would never tell people before. He wouldn‟t want to tell people. He would ask others to write things for him at work. Now he can talk about it to others. What sort of things do you think he has been hiding? Reading and writing, writing numbers down completely wrong. He would get over it another way, like getting someone else to write it, or leaving it, or leaving the job. I think he is more able to deal with it, telling people he can‟t do it because of his dyslexia, and get others to do it for him. I think he now finds that easier‟. (Sophie) „No, not from me, but from others. She is a really nice person and that was more important than her problems from my point of view‟. (Ivan)

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

188

Neil Alexander-Passe

„No. He had coping mechanism for things, some were a bit unusual, but he coped‟. (Amber) Sophie and Ivan speak of their partners hiding from their dyslexia from others, but not from them during the dating process, apart from what has been noted earlier. Both Sophie and Amber found their partners using a range of coping mechanisms to deal with their difficulties, however in Sophie‘s case they were more negative strategies which meant sometimes turning down work or leaving a job earlier without pay. Amber found that whilst some of her partner‘s coping strategies were unusual, they seemed to work, thus disclosure to gain special allowances were not needed.

Is their Quirky Character Due to their Dyslexia Attractive? „So you liked his quirkiness? I never said I liked it [laugh], but I found it interesting‟. (Amber) „Oh yes definitely‟. (Sophie) All participants in this study found their partner‘s quirkiness or difference attractive and this as noted before was the USP that drew them together. As noted by Amber, this they perceived to their partners intrinsic personality and they did not intend to be quirky or different – this was who they were. This was the product of their complex difficulties due to their dyslexia and their difficult school experiences. They found being like everyone else was not an option, so in many cases they became eccentric or quirky as a defence mechanism to be liked as ‗interesting individuals‘.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Did Dyslexia Affect the Dating Relationship? „Yes definitely. The thing that sticks out the most with my current dyslexic partner is that he doesn‟t read. He gets hospital letters but doesn‟t read them, he misses out words. What really affects our relationships is that he doesn‟t read emails or text messages from me‟. (Julie) „No. the only thing I would say is I gave him the benefit of the doubt more than other people without dyslexia‟. (Amber) Very disorganized. I had not realised that dyslexia affects everything he does; there are good days and bad days‟. (Sophie) Evidence suggests that whilst dyslexia can affect the dating process, as partners can forget about their partner‘s difficulties and judge them by normal society abilities (reading and writing). The lack of knowledge about dyslexia and its affect of individuals results in both the dyslexic and their partner misunderstanding the multi-dimensional affects of such deficits. Dyslexia can be seen as a non-descript cloud that covers a relationship, meaning either the partner gives a greater benefit of the doubt as in the case of Amber, or partners misunderstand the difficulties and gets frustrated at their dyslexic partners inability to read important letters or emails from them. The former is positive and the latter can be seen as negative and unhelpful. However the former could be argued as seeing their partner as

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics

189

disabled and making ‗reasonable adjustments‘, and the later as nagging or encouraging their partners to overcome their difficulties and find suitable coping strategies.

Difficulty with Short-term Memory „He once rang me up at work and forgot who he needed to ask for, but they knew he wanted to talk to me‟. (Amber) „Did Mike turn up late for a date? Yes, he has done that many times. I was going out for a dress, and we were meeting to buy things for our engagement party and I was waiting there for three hours, like a lemon. Turning up on the wrong day…I had not realised that dyslexia affects everything he does‟. (Sophie) „I can‟t remember him being late for a date or forgetting to meet me‟ (Amber) Short-term memory deficit is an intrinsic aspect of dyslexia, so it is not surprising that dyslexics will either forget about times and dates and arrive three hours late as in Sophie‘s case, or in Amber‘s case will make telephone calls and suddenly forget the name of their partner, even after dating for many months. Sophie notes that dyslexics have good and bad days, so one day he will remember and the next he won‘t, which is extremely confusing for others and only confirms a dyslexic partner‘s unreliability – at times they will also not believe their partner has dyslexia or see it as a poor excuse – ‗you were fine yesterday‘.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS In traditional concepts of dyslexia, communication problems are not flagged as intrinsic to dyslexics. However in this study communication problems do seem to be flagged by partners as problematic.

A Social Liability? Did he come up with random things in conversation? Yes he said strange or random things all the time, but I did not attribute it to his dyslexia. (Amber) „I will often remind him of people‟s names in social circumstances or if we are going into a social thing or we are entertaining ourselves, I will normally prep him e.g. so and so‟s son has just passed examinations, to remind him. So when he opens conversation he doesn‟t come over as rude as he has forgotten about a momentous thing in these people‟s life. So I won‟t let him go in blind to those sort of situations‟. (Amber) „You were talking about him socially before. At times is he a social liability? Yes, often. He is a very kind, helpful and generous person, however if you don‟t know him, he can come across being rude, abrupt or inappropriate in some of the things he says or does. Is it verbally or in writing? Mostly in writing. Do you find he will give short answers to long emails or letters, or in long conversations? Yes. He does that when he is talking to people as well. He finds it hard

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

190

Neil Alexander-Passe

to focus on any given topic for a long amount of time, his mind will wander, so it looks like he is bored on disinterested, when actually he most probably just lost the thread of what is being said. His answers can be short and abrupt and sometimes rude. And he tends to uses similar phases and terminology a lot, which have worked in the past. But if you do that to the Sophie people more than a few times, they lose their impact. So there is a limited use of vocabulary. Could that down to a short-term memory problem? He uses well received phases from the past and forgets who he has used them with. So yes I guess it is down to short-term memory problems‟. (Amber).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„In social settings, is Hannah generally quiet? Yes. Do you know why? I think she is frightened of saying the wrong thing. I think there have been times when people have responded to her „what are you on about?‟ So sometimes she doesn‟t make sense sometimes in conversations and this worries her? Yes that‟s correct‟. (Ivan) Dyslexic partners in this study seem to have problems either expressing themselves in social environments, and will tend to either be extrovert and not care what they say, or introvert and be quiet and reserved due to past negative experiences. Amber found her husband was unaware of his communication problems and being a social liability, and commonly can ‗put his foot in it‘ by being inappropriate or sometimes rude. Ivan however finds his partner is frightened of saying the wrong thing to others, as in the past she has confused others or come across as strange or weird. All participants in this study has noted their partners ability to say random or divergent answers in conversation, which can be inappropriate or be construed as ‗missing the point‘ of discussions. This could be firstly down to their dyslexic brain making divergent connections to things (e.g. a dogs bark and a tree‘s bark) or their inability to hold conversations in their brains and are ‗grabbing at straws‘ to find appropriate things to say in groups. One should question if Amber‘s partner‘s ability to be rude or abrupt in conversation or in emails is due to an inability to read social situations or choosing the appropriate language for each setting. Such an inability could as noted earlier in this book be due to being unaware of social clues or lacking the perception that individuals are unlike him, and require more than yes/no answers to questions. His perception of communication, both spoken and on paper is to give the shortest unemotional response to a question, in a military or business type response. Amber also notes that her partner has created coping strategies for conversations, by developing a number of choice phrases or saying, which have been successful in the past. Whilst a positive strategy, she notes that he forgets who he has used them with and how often they have been used due to his short-term memory deficit, thus he can appear as lacking or predictable to others.

Difficulty Pronouncing Hard Words? „Sometimes he and the boys could not pronounce a word, so they all come to see me. They are aware that he is dyslexic, they are aware he can‟t say certain words, so they come and see me. He will avoid hard saying words, he will do that everyday. Even when we are typing he will always find an easier word to type/write‟. (Sophie)

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics

191

„She will avoid saying long words if possible. (Ivan) As children, dyslexics generally have problems with reading multi-syllabic words, and it is commonly perceived with practice they will learn such ability. Thus it is assumed as adults they are able to read words normally. The above evidence not only points to such difficulty continuing into adulthood, but also that these dyslexic adults have developed a radar to see words they will have difficulty with, recognise such difficulty, decode the words to know what they say, and then find an alternative word of similar meaning and value, but easier to say. One could argue that the reason why such difficulties have not been identified by other researchers is that dyslexics on the whole are very creative and clever in developing advanced coping strategies to camouflage for themselves. From an alternative perspective, the dyslexics inability or difficulty sounding out multisyllabic words could come from a combination of:







Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.



sequencing difficulties (decoding and dealing with the correct way to pronounce words e.g. with the word phenomena, knowing how it should be broken up, so ‗ph eno men a‘, or ‗phe no men a‘, and understanding the silent parts to the words, and knowing the ‗ph‘ rules of pronunciation), motor skills deficit (their brain telling their mouth how it should be pronounced, their mouth not working how it should be pronounced, so an inability to listening to one‘s bodies), hearing deficit (not being able to hear correctly the sounds and feedback to the brain their vocal result), low self-confidence/emotional (failing at past attempts at such words and being mocked for their inability to say it correctly, then being phobic about trying again).

Saying the Wrong Thing in Shops Do you think her different wiring means she comes out with quirkly things sometimes? Oh yes, what I find mostly with her, is she can‟t remember the sequences in shops and you get vibes off shop assistants that something isn‟t right. If she is interrupted doing tasks, she is thrown and comes out with different things. She will make divergent connections to things…so her comments are sometimes bizarre. (Ivan) As noted earlier in this book, dyslexics can have difficulty saying the right things in shops, or giving things in the wrong order to shop assistants (e.g. the money before the goods to be bagged, or giving the shop assistant their purse to take out the right money). As dyslexics have sequencing problems, they tend to develop many routines to assist them in doing things in the right order. As noted above, if they are interrupted during early stages they can get thrown and thrown into panic as either they need to repeat the earlier stages or try and cope as best they can in continuing with the tasks, however this can mean untested responses are given which can be perceived by others to be abnormal.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

192

Neil Alexander-Passe

MARRIAGE Is Dyslexia more Prevalent more Frustrating in a Marriage? Was it frustrating dating a dyslexic? No, it is more difficult now. I just found what he could and couldn‟t do frustrating; it takes years to really understand it. (Sophie) Was it frustrating dating a dyslexic? Dating no, being married yes (Amber) Both Sophie and Amber have found that whilst their dyslexic partners‘ difficulties were not that prevalent whilst dating, in a long term relationship living together they are more able to see how much they rely on routines and this can be highly frustrating. It can be a shock how so much of a dyslexic‘s life is affected by their almost OCD routines and procedures, and how poor their organisational and short-term memory deficits affect them, in most basic tasks.

Sharing the Household Chores? „I do all the financials, school dates, forms and stuff‟. (Ivan).

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„Mike does most of the paperwork but I check everything….I have a board for reminders for him. I suppose I am constantly in the background reminding him to do things. Do you think Mike will still avoid certain tasks? Yes, office things. He just won‟t do them, its easier if I do it, he puts tax/vat stuff it off to the last minute as he would rather be going out to meet clients‟. (Sophie) When we first got married his finances were a bit of a mess, and I see that related to his dyslexia - pure dyslexic inability to tackle and deal with large amounts of mundane information. And now, how is he? I spent a long time when we got married, teaching him how things should be done. He was involved in setting up all the processes to pay bills etc. We both set up things together, and then he took over. When we had children I had less access to help him, but he has done an excellent job since‟. (Amber) „What else do you think you share out, or won‟t give him as he would have difficulties? There are no chores I won‟t give him, if they need to be done. You can‟t always rely on him to get everything off a shopping list… So I recon I have a 70/30 chance that things I ask to be done are done. If it‟s really important I will send a text message or nag a bit. If it‟s not that important I don‟t worry so much, if its not done then it‟s not the end of the world‟. (Amber) Cleaning, cooking – I‟m quite laid back about, sometimes he has forgotten things, so I remind him, but he then tells me off „you‟ve told me that already 3 times‟. (Amber) In all relationships there is a combination of abilities and disabilities, or said in another way, things you like doing and things you don‘t. All lasting relationships rely on sharing out the household and family chores, be it shopping, cleaning, dealing with the school, or even remembering to pick up the dry cleaning. In a relationship with a dyslexic, organisation and short-term memory problems can mean that a larger proportion of chores are taken over the non-dyslexic partner, e.g. financial and paperwork. What does this do to a relationship is it

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics

193

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

strengthened or weakened? One could argue that the non-dyslexic partner goes in with their eyes open to their partners inability to do certain chores, but as earlier evidence from these non-dyslexic partners found, they were unaware of the true nature or extent of their dyslexic partner‘s difficulties. Thus expectations are not met and this can strain a relationship. The 70/30 reliability ratio as noted by Amber is interesting, and suggests on the whole her partner is reliable, and she has entrusted him with financial matters, whether this was wise or not. She also notes that she had to train her partner in how things should be done which I‘m sure she was not expecting to do. Her laid back attitude to cleaning and cooking reflects a willingness to see beyond the disability and respects her partner‘s abilities and differences. As Julie notes, she is married to a man, and thus expects him to be a normal man, thus different and sometimes difficult – this is normal! Sophie and Ivan‘s take a different approach and feel they need to either to totally take over chores, or to check everything their partner has done (we will talk about managing dyslexic partners later). One could argue that either their partner is less able to do such chores as Amber‘s husband does, as they may be more severely dyslexic, or they feel the need to control all aspects of their lives. On marriage, many couples (dyslexic and non-dyslexic) feel the need to keep separate bank accounts, keep their own savings in separate accounts, and to avoid joint accounts at all cost. So a partner of a dyslexic wanting to control the household‘s finances could be seen as normal in today‘s society. It could be argued that Amber has empowered her partner to cope with his difficulties, and this makes her outlook on dyslexia as positive. However she has noted that due to increased parental responsibilities she has less time for such responsibility and therefore has absolved herself of such matters - for the better or worse. She also notes that he does extremely well to cope with financial matters as he has more patience that she does with paperwork.

Piles of Paper „Do you have a Mike pile for his stuff? Yes, it‟s a mess‟. (Sophie) „Do you find both dyslexic partners of yours avoided certain tasks, like letters/forms/banking? I would say both did that, my husband because it would take too long to read, so he would put it to the side on a pile to read later, and the pile got bigger and bigger, so it sometimes didn‟t happen. But when my current partner was drinking he could not deal with it anyway. He told me he would get the post, see it, not want to deal with it, and say „sod it‟ and throw it down the back of the chair. I‟m unsure if it was more to do with being pissed (drunk) or being dyslexic – a bit of both probably‟. (Julie) He is very untidy and has piles everywhere, in the office, by our bed, in the lounge and the kitchen. I constantly nag him about them (Amber) The evidence suggests that along with organisational problems, dyslexics have problems managing the huge paper-trail that follows most people, from bills, letters, flyers for services, junk mail, forms, to school newsletters etc. The list is endless and it‘s hard for most people to cope. Julie who has been a long term relationship with two dyslexics gives an interesting perspective to the subject. One will create piles to read at a later point (if ever) and the second

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

194

Neil Alexander-Passe

will just hide the papers and ignore they have ever come. The first is more positive, but the later could be more realistic. Amber finds her partner will create piles of papers to file or work on, but then gets to the point of managing the piles; much of this is due to his difficulty sorting very diverse paperwork and to hoarding things, as they may be of use at sometime in the future. Hoarding is a common problem in many households and can‘t be seen as a solely dyslexic problem.

Managing a Dyslexic Partners? „If there is anything that requires him to be somewhere on time, I would generally check up on him to make sure he is there on time. I will often remind him of people‟s names in social circumstances or if we are going into a social thing or we are entertaining ourselves, I will normally prep him‟. (Amber) „If it‟s really important I will send a text message or nag a bit. If it‟s not that important I don‟t worry so much, if its not done then it‟s not the end of the world. So it sounds like you manage him? Yes that‟s true‟. (Amber)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„Mike does most of the paperwork but I check everything….He pays bills on time? No, that is a problem, like for the credit cards, I have to write it down and make sure he has done it; I have to constantly chase him to see if they have been paid. I have a board for reminders for him. I suppose I am constantly in the background reminding him to do things‟. (Sophie) „I have now, with his permission, begun to highlight, in colour, the questions that/which require a response, and sometime put in brackets „this is a question please respond‟, You know because he doesn‟t see them, and he is aware that he doesn‟t see them or read it properly. Questions marks mean absolutely nothing to him, they do not register that he is being asked a question, and needs a reply, so I need to flag it up to him‟. (Julie) All the female participants seem to manage their dyslexic partner, they are aware of their difficulties and try and empower their partners to take on tasks. Ivan on the other hand is the only husband in this study, his coping strategy seems to be take over and this can only confirm the disabilitating element to their partner‘s dyslexia. Amber seems quite clear that she manages her husband, but is very positive about the things he can do. Its not that he can‘t do the things asked of him, but his short-term memory deficit gets in the way. If nagging is a managing tool, then nagging a dyslexic seems to be common in Sophie‘s and Amber‘s management styles. One could argue that many partners (especially female ones) use nagging as a means to get their own way in relationships, not just with dyslexics. Julie seems to with her partner‘s permission to highlight in colour questions in emails that need to be answered, as he prefers all main communication to be in writing. Sophie uses a reminder notice board to remind her husband of things to do, as they work together, but she will manage tax and other paperwork. She notes that she is constantly there in the background to make sure things don‘t go wrong. Amber preps her husband in social settings, so he does not come over as rude or uncaring to others and has something to say. Her management style be similar to a personal adviser to a chief executive, who will prompt with personal information that would make guests feel special.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics

195

An Additional Child? Have you ever called him your additional child because you need to manage him? In the early days we were equal partners, and it didn‟t seem like an additional child at all. After he had a head injury accident a few years ago, he has become more like my 4th or 5th child, and I‟m not sure if that‟s the dyslexia as he gets older, or the head injury impact, or just his plain laziness as he would prefer me to treat him like a big child. When I‟m organizing four lunches, I organize five. When I tell four of them what to do each day, I organize five and not four. (Amber) „Do you call Mike your fourth child? Yes absolutely, it‟s just like having another kid, the mess, the paperwork, he is queuing up with the kids to get things proof-read, and I‟m exhausted, as everyone wants me to check their work every evening. It just takes up so much time. (Sophie) As noted before, the need to manage your dyslexic partner can mean that you in essence see him/her as an additional child, Sophie and Amber agree with such a view, but this can mean their partner is unable to or are not empowered to be self-sufficient. Does this mean they are a lesser partner in the relationship? Does it mean they can not advocate for themselves? Or have their partners given in and enjoy managing as it‘s easier for them?

Is it Easy Being Married to a Dyslexic?

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„I would say, not easy, neither of them are easy. Looking at my children as well, they are all very prickly about it; highly sensitive would not be a too strong a term‟. (Julie) „Yes it can be, you know, he changes from day to day, you get dyslexic days, you can just see from his writing or sleeping. From a bad dyslexic day he talks in his sleep. So dyslexic nights as well‟. (Sophie) „Sometimes I see it is difficult differentiating between how people cope with life‟s challenges and whether they are impacted adversely by dyslexia‟. (Amber) „I don‟t think marriage is easy no matter who you are married to. I think each marriage brings with it difficult and easy parts. In some ways, being married to a dyslexic is an enjoyable thing, as they „think out of the box‟; they have a different spin to other people on events and things going on in the world, community etc. When things are a bit boring, and you discuss it with a dyslexic, they open up things you would not have thought of, so it‟s interesting again. I also think that sometimes dyslexia is what it is, I‟m unsure if it‟s the person that makes its difficult or not. I‟m married to a very positive dyslexic, who will wave the flag for dyslexic people. Although he is dyslexic, he thinks it is something special and that it sets him apart from others. To the extent that he is disappointed that his children are not dyslexic‟! (Amber) The evidence seems to suggest that being married to a dyslexic is not that easy, but they also recognise that no marriage is easy as we are all different. Dyslexics pose a different set of challenges and these can be frustrating, along with dealing with their many automatic routines to do things. As noted before, it was easier dating a dyslexic then being married to one.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

196

Neil Alexander-Passe

Their quirkiness can be interesting whilst dating, but living with that 24/365 can get too much. Sophie notes that their partner‘s dyslexia can change often with good/bad days, and interestingly good/bad nights as well. Julie suggests that any mention of dyslexia‘s weakness traits to their partner or dyslexic children can make them prickly and on edge, as this only confirms to them that they are abnormal and need to try harder to cover up their inadequacies.

Do they Read for Pleasure? „Once a year on holiday he will finish a book in two weeks, but he reads a lot of factual stuff everyday. I buy it for him. It must be a certain size print, the first thing I do is check the print size, and not too big, so it‟s manageable….but he does read newspapers everyday‟. (Sophie) „He just didn‟t read for pleasure. How about newspapers? No, he read for information, he would read quite a bit for information. He is a scientist, but he did not read for pleasure. He told me it took too long for the meaning to come to him and he got bored. But as a result of that he considered reading to be a complete waste of time, and if I was reading he would comment, „You‟re reading again!‟ He was rushing about doing useful things, I was just reading for pleasure. It made me feel guilty, that I was relaxing, he didn‟t know how to relax and read, so he always kept himself busy, and eventually I felt very uncomfortable about it, as he kept whizzing past me when I was reading! Eventually I stopped reading‟. (Julie) „Very little, however she reads a lot online on the computer. But she will never read a book or a magazine. Does she mind you reading books? No, she is not bothered by it‟. (Ivan)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„He enjoys reading but finds it hard to find time to read fiction, as he has so much workbased reading to do. He used to read loads whilst travelling on public transport to/from work‟. (Amber) Participants note a mixture of attitudes towards reading. Sophie needs to choose an easy book for her husband on holiday as he won‘t read during the year, but he will read newspaper. Julie‘s partners hated her reading for pleasure, he saw it as a waste of time as he couldn‘t do it, she was made to feel so guilty that in the end she just gave up for an easier time. Ivan‘s partner found that whilst she didn‘t read books she has be motivated to read on the computer, maybe with the help of assistive software of coloured tints. Amber‘s husband did enjoy reading but reading for pleasure comes second to work-based reading. As an English graduate it must be hard for you? It‟s very frustrating, to get them to read is impossible‟. (Sophie) Educationalists believe if parents read for pleasure, so will their children, but not in the case of Sophie with her three dyslexic children. But it‘s especially important for a dyslexic parent to act as a mentor and read in front of their dyslexic children, as this will reinforce the concept that reading is good and helpful to their progress.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics

197

PARENTHOOD Did their Dyslexia Affect your Decision to Have Children? „No‟. (Ivan) „It never crossed my mind. In hindsight should it? No. If one of them would have been dyslexic, with the awareness of ones parents, it would have just been something else to deal with‟. (Amber) „I wasn‟t bothered by it, as I knew we would get through it. I liked who he was‟. (Sophie) It is very positive to know that their partner‘s dyslexia did not put them off from having children, and shows an awareness that with the right help and support it can be managed. One never knows if a child will be healthy or develop difficulties growing up, so I guess these parents went into parenthood with their eyes open to such facts.

Who Deals with the School and Homework? „With homework, did you help them, and go beyond what was needed? Always, because any sort of homework required writing. It was always a major battle to get them to do it; as they didn‟t want to do it. A great deal of help was required, and I did the majority of that. What we agreed, to help them best, especially in secondary school, was for me to read to them, as inevitably they had a load of reading, Then they had to write about it. I didn‟t want to write it for them, so I did the reading part‟.. (Julie)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„How is Mike with your children‟s homework? He helps a lot, but not on the literacy side, as that‟s my area. But in maths and science he is better than me so he helps them‟. (Sophie) „How is Hannah with your children‟s homework? She helps a bit with the reading. Who helps the children with their homework? It‟s me in the main‟. (Ivan) Dyslexic parents and homework are normally a difficult combination, as they relive their own troubled childhoods through their children. Both being faced by the child‘s difficulties gives the dyslexic parent another chance to solve mathematical mysteries, and this team work can be empowering, with the dyslexic parents becoming a mentor. „Some dyslexic parents like the challenge of their children‟s homework? He does that sometimes, he likes a challenge. Then gets cross when it comes back marked as wrong‟. (Sophie) However this does not mean they will get it right, and as Sophie notes when her partner tried to do the homework themselves and get it wrong, it can confirm that education is still a mystery to them. The evidence suggests that school homework is the mainstay of the non-dyslexic partner, with their partner helping out here and there, but the main responsibility is with the more able parent.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

198

Neil Alexander-Passe

„He does anything I ask him to do for their homework. I don‟t think he likes helping them with their homework if it impacts on him doing his own thing, and the frustrations of dealing with young children doing their homework, than to do with his dyslexia. Its only if I step back completely from a topic that he steps in and does it, there was one area of their homework I have stepped back and said its down to him and he does it well with them, and there have been no problems so far. I asked him once to help the boys with a science project. Rather than just getting it done in the shortest possible time, he tried to make it fun, and did a practical experiment outside with my red kitchen bucket filled to the brim with water to test gravity, and swung it over his head, the kids loved it but I ended up with no bucket as it shattered into pieces. So I think when he has the time and inclination he is a very exciting person to do homework with. He wants learning to be fun and visual, and prefers that to reading through books with them? I‟m unsure if that‟s because of his dyslexia, or just because it‟s boring. I also find it boring, but one of us has to sit down and do it with them each week - the reading, writing and stuff. I would also like to go outside and do fun experiments with red buckets‟! (Amber) „He is disappointed that his children are not dyslexic‟. (Amber)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Amber‘s perceives her partner as being reluctant to help with homework, and this may have something to do with none of his four children being dyslexic, thus may feel detached from their education. He had noted to his wife that he was aiming to home-teach his children if they were dyslexic, but as they weren‘t, this option was not needed, so maybe this could be the reason. She also notes that he found homework to be boring and wanted to make it more practical and interactive, with water flying everywhere. However when given an aspect of homework to do with all his children, he has taken it on board and they are excelling at it, so as she notes ‗when he has the time and inclination he is a very exciting person to do homework with‟.

Is Homework a Stressful Time with a Dyslexic Child? „It‟s a nightmare, I haven‟t given up. There comes a point when they have to control their own homework. They need to fail to really learn this lesson. Joseph has a good memory but hates reading. He didn‟t even read the English GCSE course book; I bought him the study notes, the film and so on. All he needs is a C grade in English to get into university. He hated his teacher, he clashed with her, as she is not dyslexic-friendly. He has great ideas but can‟t get them down on paper. As an English graduate it must be hard for you? Its very frustrating, to get them to read is impossible‟. (Sophie) „Have you ever done their homework for them? Yes. I do not liked doing it, if I felt it was unnecessary work, then I would do it, but not on a regular basis, and I would probably tell them. Have you allowed them to go into school with incorrect work? Yes, because if I know they have had enough time and mucked about, they need to learn the consequences, of not to putting in the effort required. I‟m happy for them to get a D to serve them right‟. (Sophie) „Did you ever allow them to go into school with incomplete work, even if they couldn‟t do it? Yes, I felt to a teacher it was important to do that from time to time, to let their teacher see what they were really like. There is no point doing it for them. So yes they did go in with

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics

199

unfinished or badly done, with a note saying I am aware of it being incomplete. They need to know that they must make the effort, if they don‟t they won‟t get the grades. My son turned into the most disabled child at homework time, falling off his chair, breaking pencils etc, to avoid doing homework. You would have been forgiven for believing he was severely disabled if you had seen him doing his homework‟. (Julie) „To get children to do homework can be a huge battle as you know, and if there are nondyslexic siblings then unfair comparison is common. A lot of friction can be related back to learning difficulties, trying to teach your own children. Teaching your own children is never a good idea. A psychologist once said to me, just back off when things get bad, especially in the teenage years. They need you to be mum, the person to take the crap. He said even though you‟re a teacher, it doesn‟t matter what you know. They need you to be their mother not their teacher. I now advise other parents to back-off otherwise your relationship will be severely affected. You‟re in the support role not the critical one‟. (Julie)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

All note that homework is hard with dyslexic children, and that at times can be a huge battle, causing by a lot of friction. As the partners are non-dyslexic, the friction could be due to this parent not truly understanding the difficulties faced, and they try and replicate the failed teaching strategies used in the classroom (which worked for them at school). A parent‘s role is to motivate and be supportive, as Julie notes, but if it goes beyond that the parent/child relationship can change and for the worse. Sophie and Julie will allows their children to go into school with incomplete work if they feels they have messed about (wasted time), and Sophie will do what she feels as unnecessary homework for them, as she understands that their efforts should be focussed on certain main subjects. Julie sees her role as parent as a facilitator, and will spend a lot of time reading to them all their course work, even committing to tape a huge A‘level book. Sophie notes that at the end of her day, she normally has all her children, and husband queuing up to get their work/letters spell/grammar checked, thus her role is also to facilitate her children‘s efforts.

Finding out your Child Is Dyslexic It was a shock and upsetting to find out that Joseph our first born was dyslexic, but I knew we would cope with it. Do you think Mike was concerned having dyslexic kids? Much more than I was, as he knew what it was like growing up as a dyslexic? When he found out about Joseph he was really devastated, really upset. I remember being in the classroom, and when it was even mentioned without a diagnosis, he ran out of the classroom crying. It was at the start of year two, he could not cope with that, he was in a real state for quite a while. I said it will be alright, let‟s get him assessed. He was also crying when Joseph for formally assessed, he knew what he would have to fight for and go through. (Sophie) This quote from Sophie is really interesting, as her husband Mike was really affected by the untested notion that his child could be dyslexic. He knew what the challenges were going to be like and he dreaded the pain and suffering they were going to endure. He knew it was going to affect his child‘s life and be a struggle for him as the parent. Mike told me in a separate interview for my ‗Dyslexia and Depression‘ book, that he had hoped by marrying a non-dyslexic English graduate that there would be less chance of dyslexic children (and he

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

200

Neil Alexander-Passe

has three severely dyslexic children as the result). The realisation that his worst nightmare was a reality was too much for him to cope with, thus ‗he ran out of the classroom crying…he could not cope with that, he was in a real state for quite a while‟.

A Special Bond between Dyslexic Parent and Dyslexic Child „It‟s strange whether a dyslexic would prefer having a dyslexic or a non-dyslexic child, having a common bond? I think he sees in Joseph the most similarities to him, and they problem solve in similar way. Half the time they talk a different language to me‟. (Sophie) „Are you confident they will do well and get a career? Do they see Mike as a mentor? Absolutely, especially Joseph, which is great for Mike‟. (Sophie) „How is he building things from IKEA, does he read the guide? No he won‟t read it, he and Joseph will build it blind, but there are always a few screws left over. I think how long it will last without them. But they are brilliant at that – building things. Good 3D visualisers? Yes.‟ (Sophie)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„He is disappointed that his children are not dyslexic. Not that he wants them to experience difficulties, but he sees it as people with higher intelligence with higher achievers‟. (Amber) Sophie‘s family is very interesting; as they have three very dyslexic children, and her husband has been fortunate in finding his children have very similar talents to him. This means that ‗Half the time they talk a different language to me‟, suggesting that this special bond brings with it its own language. Mike told me after the interview that they saw Sophie as ‗Muggle-born‘ to take a simile from ‗Harry Potter‘, which must reflect her being the odd-one-out in her family (not being dyslexic), whereas in Amber‘s family, her dyslexic husband is the odd-one-out, which might be affecting his interaction with his kids homework. Amber‘s husband is disappointed by his children not being dyslexic, as it would seem he was looking for that special bond - fighting the education system and the world together!

Has Having a Dyslexic Children/husband Affected your Knowledge of Dyslexia and Career Choice? „Do you think you moved into learning support, because of what you saw in him? No, I didn‟t think about it until I realized my children had difficulties…I was only a classroom teacher but with two dyslexic children, I was prompted to move into learning support‟. (Julie). „So you learnt more about it from knowing Mike or having dyslexic children? Both, firstly through Mike, but even more when the kids were diagnosed. I even went on courses, and I now work with SEN kids in schools, to know more about it for them‟. (Sophie) „Have you learnt more about dyslexia now? Yes, definitely a lot more. Sequencing and other problems‟. (Ivan) Most dyslexics only know the basics about their difficulties, and assume what they do and their coping strategies are separate from dyslexia. However when a non-dyslexic partner

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics

201

gets involved it‘s a different ball game, as they have the insight to investigate further and learn more about the condition. So together they learn more about this mysterious disorder that affects most areas of life. When children are born, it‘s an even greater impetus to learn more and due to the empathy they now feel for their children, many are moved to change careers into special needs education, as in the case of Julie and Sophie. Both Ivan and Amber noted they have learnt a lot more about dyslexia and its affect on their partner‘s life.

How Is Going into School to Meet your Children’s Teachers? „She is not very keen on it, not at all. Even to pick up the children to go to medical appointments she will avoid it - it‟s me going in all the time. Does Hannah get stressed when talking to the teachers? Yes, we both go in, but she hates it. She remembers her dreadful time there; school was not a great experience for her‟. (Ivan) „It was a constant fight in the primary school, for them to be aware and give the help. You think it is sorted and then the next year their new teacher is not even told. They say no one told them, the SENCO is useless. You are constantly fighting…It‟s a constant fight. If he gets angry about anything, it‟s to do with the school and their education‟. (Sophie)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„Does it help Mike being a governor at Joseph‟s secondary school? It was a new school, so we could give our opinions and advice concerning choosing a SENCO. Is he happier with this school? It‟s still a fight. We must be on them the whole time. Mike will always be on the phone making sure they get the support needed for his examinations. It‟s a constant battle. They don‟t understand the needs of dyslexic pupils‟. (Sophie) „Does Mike get stressed when talking to the teachers? He is calmer now, as in secondary school the child comes with. I have more knowledge now working in schools, and more experience talking with teachers, so I take on some of the battles‟. (Sophie) „He seems fine. Stressed by it? No, but that could be because he has spent many years doing things around education and has probably built up so many coping strategies that he has confronted and overcome any issues he may have had from childhood‟. (Amber) It‘s never easy in mainstream school if your child is deemed to be outside the ‗normal‘ mould, and parents of dyslexic children are faced with greater difficulties due to teacher‘s lack of knowledge about the condition. Non-dyslexic partners know of their partner‘s past history in education and can understand how it can make them cautious, but they don‘t quite understand the anger that boils up in responses to teachers and even just walking through a school door and seeing little chairs and work pinned up onto walls. This is greater where there are dyslexic children (Julie and Sophie) but less where they are not (Amber).

Are you Optimistic about your Dyslexic Children’s Future? Where do you see your children in 5-10 years? I see Joseph going to university, he is so practical, and I think he will be working for some engineering firm inventing things. He is quite enthusiastic and entrepunerial. We will see what he gets for his GCSE; I‟m not worried

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

202

Neil Alexander-Passe

about him. He could work as an electrician now, which gives him confidence. But he knows he needs to do well academically to get a good job. Mike didn‟t get A‟Levels, so he wants Joseph to get them, and get a degree, it‟s important to him, because he hadn‟t. But he doesn‟t want to make him unhappy, if it was we wouldn‟t push him so much. John will work in sales, he is great selling anything. I‟m unsure if he will make university, as he is a charmer but doesn‟t really apply himself. A real joker in the classroom, as a means to avoid work. He doesn‟t want to carry a laptop as it singles him out as special needs, so he covers it up. Are you confident they will do well and get a career? Do they see Mike as a mentor? Absolutely, especially Joseph, which is great for Mike. (Sophie) Parents of dyslexic children can be faced with challenging times to focus them to think about careers, and Sophie above describes such a challenge with two very different dyslexic children. She recognises their route to employment may differ from her own and the need to make use of more vocational courses. It‘s interesting that Mike her husband really wants their eldest to go to university, which is something he never achieved. Is he living his childhood again through his eldest child, making sure he gets the chances he never did. One hopes the pressure to achieve his father‘s dream is not too great.

CAREER/SUCCESS

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Has your Partner’s Childhood/schooling Affected him? „Yes it has, I don‟t think he is getting better as he gets older. He went to a really terrible school, and he really resents his parents pushing him to do practical things, and did not getting the chance to go to university, and to give him the help needed. I think he did have a tutor for a while, to get him to read/write to a basic level. He was not pushed academically either at home or at school, as he would have loved to go to university to be a lawyer‟. (Sophie) „Yes, I can only talk 3rd hand, but from what I can understand, he didn‟t find any of the lessons interesting, he was unable to adequately receive, interpret and regurgitate the information in the way the teacher required it. That meant he was criticized harshly by teachers, even though they may have been aware of his dyslexia. This made him feel inferior in terms of his academic abilities and he was moved into fields where his academic disabilities were less prevalent. So moving into more practical subjects, vocational skills and career choices which I don‟t think he would have chosen if he wasn‟t dyslexic‟. (Amber) Both Amber and Sophie were straight A students who excelled at school and university, so they look at their dyslexic partner‘s difficulties from school and now in their adults careers, and see the two things correlate and that difficulties early on are long-lasting. They understand and are empathetic to vocational routes in education, and can now see that non-traditional routes are possible and ideal for such individuals.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics

203

Has Dyslexia Affected their Careers/potential Prospects? „Do you think your first husband thinks he hasn‟t reached his potential, due to his learning difficulties? That‟s quite difficult, he did feel that. He ended up drinking a lot at university, and it was exceedingly hard work for him, as he was unaware of his difficulties. He just thought it was hard, and he probably didn‟t get the degree he should have got. Compared to his more academic brothers, he was a candidate for a first, but got a second‟. (Julie) „Mike rates reaching his potential on becoming a lawyer? Yes, he resents it, as he goes through life it is harder to go to university. I tell him it‟s never too late. I think he has the confidence now to do it as he would get extra help – assistive software/a laptop/extra time allowances‟. (Sophie) „How do you think Hannah‟s career has been affected by dyslexia? Yes, she had a lot of bullying in the workplace; she used to get very angry about that. That‟s why she is selfemployed now; she is a lot happier working for herself‟. (Ivan)

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

„I think he chose a career he could do well and earn money in, and I think he has subsequently tried to become more academic and have qualifications which would be more recognisable within the wider community, as normal for a non-dyslexic. Do you think people would see him as successful? Many people don‟t know what people do, most think he is successful but are unsure what he does for a living, as he is currently unemployed. Is he reaching his/her potential? Here is a bone of contention. I think he is striving to be something that does not come easily to him (academic) and ignoring his strengths, that he could do well in, as he wants to be seen as “good at his job and by the way he is dyslexic”, rather than “he is dyslexic and this is why he is good at this job”. I don‟t think he is being honest with himself‟. (Amber) Potential is a subjective subject and can be difficult to understand, especially in the case of dyslexics where there have been so many missed possibilities at school and further/higher education. From a non-dyslexic perspective, they see their partners struggling in careers they are unsuited to, and success in those making use of skills they have. However what they are good at doesn‘t mean they enjoy it or want to work in for 40 years. Amber has a problem with her husband wishing to develop a career he wants to do but might have difficulties in. She would prefer him to work with his strengths rather than weaknesses, whereas he wishes to develop his weaknesses into strengths. Sophie‘s husband resents not being a lawyer and sees himself as not reaching his potential, even thought he works for himself in a thriving electrical business. Julie‘s husband compares himself unfavourably to his more academic brothers and comes off as failing, even though he might be more intelligent/capable. Ivan has found his wife experienced bullying in the workplace due to her dyslexia and she now works for herself. He now notes she is happier working for herself and has more scope to do what she does well with less stress, pressure and bullying. Thus it could be argued, is more likely to fulfil her potential

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

204

Neil Alexander-Passe

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

DISCUSSION The research indicates that dyslexics generally hide their dyslexia at the start of a relationship, and will disclose their problems/difficulties when they are finding it hard to cover up for errors made or missing dates etc. So the choice is between covering up their dyslexia and losing their thriving relationship. Such disclosure could be viewed as laying their cards on the table and being really open to someone, but also taking the chance their partner will take an adverse reaction and push them away. The time scale for disclosure is important as it explains how relaxed they are about their dyslexia. If they see dyslexia as a positive as in Ambers case, then disclosure in general conversation in the first 1-3 dates is common. If the dyslexic is really anxious about themselves and their difficulties as in Sophie‘s case, then its 6-7 months down the line. Those dating dyslexics with little or no knowledge of the condition are faced by individuals with strange combinations of difficulties, a poor sense of direction and driving incorrectly down a one way road, bizarre routines, or divergent things said in conversations etc. If you were looking for normal relationship, then a dyslexic won‘t give you that. If you want an interesting/quirky relationship, then a dyslexic will definitely do that! The evidence suggests that dyslexics have specific problems with communication, from an inability/difficulty in reading social clues, difficulty pronouncing long multi-syllabic words, coming up with bizarre things in conversation, to panicking when routines are interrupted and doing things in the wrong order in shops. Humans are skilled at picking up slight differences in how people talk, act and react, thus various difficulties in dyslexics mean they can be seen as weird, abnormal and socially handicapped. When dyslexics finally find a suitable partner, their partners are soon hit by how much dyslexics rely on routines to get them through each day, and how much they are frustrated by their inability to do what to them are simple tasks e.g. writing a shopping list or taking a telephone message. Such things were not a problem on the odd date, but when living with someone 24 hours a day, 365 days a year they can get very frustrating. Much of this comes down to their dyslexic partner‘s reluctance to read and manage their own life. Non-dyslexic partners are also hit by their partner‘s inability to take on household chores and how much of an organisational mess they are, with financial mess happening in some cases due to their inability to pay bills on time, so most take over all such chores. In many ways they have to check everything and treat them like an additional child, with constant reminders like Sophie with a reminders board. Socially they will also be troubling as they will forget their friends/family‘s names along with forgetting social engagements, which will be embarrassing for their non-dyslexic partner. As Amber notes „if I am out and the phone rings, he will chat and take a message, but I will never get it. This can be difficult socially‟, this suggests non-dyslexic partners can also feel socially embarrassed as they may seem rude to others for ignoring them and their messages. It is highly likely that any children they have will be dyslexic, and this should normally have been discussed before marriage, however the actual realisation that their child is dyslexic can be hard for the dyslexic parent to cope with. Whilst the non-dyslexic parent is supportive, in the dyslexic, the thought of passing on their difficulties (seen as damaged

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Spouses/Partners of Dyslexics

205

genes) and them suffering through school and life can be too much for some, resulting in crying and depression as in Sophie‘s husband‘s case. It is likely that the non-dyslexic partner will deal with everything to do with the school (forms, playdates etc) along with their homework. With dyslexic children the difficulties can be so pronounced that homework time is a battleground and highly draining. The effect can be so great that the non-dyslexic partner may change careers into special educational needs to work with similar needy children in schools. It can not be under-estimated how hard homework is with a dyslexic child; however the dyslexic parent can turn into a mentor to prop up their child‘s self-esteem. When the dyslexic parent has non-dyslexic children, such a parent can be hit by how different they are, and can not believe how easy some children find school and academic tasks, and how easy it is for them to get 9 or 10 out of 10 in school tests. This can distance him/her from such children as their own school experience is so different to that of their children. Whether there are dyslexic or non-dyslexic children, the dyslexic re-entering school for their children can bring back all sorts of emotions, with some avoiding school at all costs. Talking to teachers can be difficult, as they can revert to a child, and manifest anger towards teachers for not listening to them and their child‘s needs. With a dyslexic child the anger is even greater, as they are amazed that schools haven‘t changed that much from when they were there, and children‘s difficulties are still not being properly supported. Non-dyslexic partners are aware of their partner‘s childhoods, but are unaware of how much their schooling has affected them as adults, along with the career prospects. But after years of marriage they can see that dyslexia affects all aspects of life and self-employment may be the best route for some dyslexics, so they can shine with their abilities and suffer with their difficulties. Reaching their potential is hard for dyslexics, as they feel they are still suffering from repressive schooling, and being pushed into vocational careers for their own good (in fields they can do well in) camouflages their real desire to be lawyers or teachers. They question whether they can follow their dreams and be what they always wanted to be, rather than something they could do easily. Maybe they do not recognise their intrinsic strengths, as areas that others find difficult. If they did recognise this then maybe they wouldn‘t fight fate so much.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 14

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

DISCUSSION AND CONCLUSION This book began with a long introduction chapter which was autobiographical in many ways, as it detailed my journey as a dyslexic, as a parent with dyslexia, and as one who actively researches the effects of dyslexics and the wider community. It details my own struggles, so sharing with the reader how dyslexia has affected my schooling and life. A background to dyslexia was then discussed, investigating what it is and isn‘t and why, so the reader can understand what this book is about and why this subject is so fascinating to study. Each chapter from this point then relied on interview evidence from my various books to support the arguments made, which begins with how dyslexics feel different in society and they question ‗why me?‘ – Why am I having the problems and ‗it‘s not fair‘. Much of the effects of dyslexia are based on how it is perceived in society, which lead to a discussion on stigma. This section concludes by questioning if dyslexia is a disorder that needs a cure, and what progress has been made in creating such a cure. Childhoods are now discussed, with young dyslexics feeling different to their peers and the need to be ‗normal‘ in society, ending with questioning what is normal. The dyslexic‘s relationship with their family is then discussed with many dyslexics perceiving themselves being abnormal and questioning if they fit into their family. This along with how they coped at school, affects their ability to cope with humiliation and bullying from siblings, classmates and teachers. How they cope can be broken down into emotional, avoidance and task-based coping and these were discussed and defined. Depending on their coping strategies and how others around them react to their difficulties, will affect the development of abnormal coping strategies such as depression, repression, self-harm, and attempted suicide. These can be classed as defensive mechanism rather that coping strategies, as the former are often perceived as negative and the later positive. After surviving childhood (survival is used in a loose sense), many adults still feel different to their peers and family, and now being introduced to the workplace they feel even more different/abnormal. Depending on how they have coped, will affect their ability to be resilient in the wider world. Whilst dyslexia may not affect personality, the effects of dyslexia may create a persona that is quirky and distinctive. Many coping strategies include the use of avoidance of tasks, using perfection to avoid social humiliation, and the use of humour to deflect attention on their difficulties. Again subject to their chosen coping strategy will affect how they emotionally cope, with frustration and anger being common along with self-blame when their guard is let down. Withdrawal is also common to avoid certain situations that

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

208

Neil Alexander-Passe

could be embarrassing, which can range from not going to the pub with friends following work or not meeting friends to go out shopping. These may seem like harmless activities, but to the dyslexic they rely on short-term memory to remember fast moving conversations and map reading and remembering times/dates to get to a meeting place on time. The chapter on communication problems in dyslexia is interesting as these two subjects are not normally seen as correlating, but the evidence suggests that many dyslexics have problems keeping up during general conversations and can come out with divergent comments which are seen by non-dyslexics as odd or weird, much is due to their inability to remember the start of conversations and then process its development, along with making strange/divergent links to other subjects (e.g. a dog‘s bark and a tree‘s bark). As many dyslexics have communication problems, along with problems interacting with the outside world, dating is another aspect of adulthood affected by dyslexia. If they are unable to remember people‘s names and what they do, where they live, how will they maintain a relationship? Many partners note that their dyslexic boy/girlfriend will not turn up on dates or turn up 3 hours late. Dyslexics dating other dyslexics is discussed, however as most dyslexics do not openly disclose their dyslexia, its sounds great theoretically but rarely happens. When dyslexics finally survive the dating phase, the challenge of marriage can mean their well concealed dyslexic difficulties are uncovered, when they live 24/7 with a non-dyslexic. The opening of this ‗can of worms‘ is discussed along with the effects of evenly shared out household chores, weighed heavy on the side of non-dyslexic partners. When dyslexics and their partners choose to have children, they need to face the question of having dyslexic children, as dyslexia is a genetic disorder mainly passed through the male, the likelihood is quite high. Do such couples discuss this subject or is it ‗brushed under the carpet‘/avoided as it‘s a contentious topic to discuss? The moral dilemma is discussed to whether it is fair to bring a child into this world that will suffer educationally and adversely in this society. Are dyslexics good parents? What assets do they bring to the upbringing of their child? How do they deal with their child‘s school and any post-traumatic-stress-disorder of facing old demons when they walk through the school door and talk to teachers again? Do they again feel like a naughty schoolchild? With homework who will help their child more, and are nondyslexic parents left the entire responsibility for the school, dealing with all those endless forms/paperwork, and their child‘s homework? Parenting styles are discussed with three models introduced to define the different combinations of parents a dyslexic child might encounter. Each style is further discussed with possible causes and manifestations of stress and learned helplessness. A further strategy is introduced to change an adverse negative (learned helplessness) parenting style, one that is more positive and will make children more resilient to difficulties faced at school and with academic work. Many parents of dyslexics are concerned about their child‘s ability to earn a living and enter the world of work; however career advisers in schools are rarely knowledgeable in dyslexia and thus are unaware of what best to advise parents. Different careers are discussed with suggestions for parents to immerse their children in as many different ‗out of school‘ hobbies as possible, to see what skills they have for further career development.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Discussion and Conclusion

209

Dyslexics are more likely to find vocational routes to careers are better suited to their more practical abilities, thus further education, apprentices and working themselves up from low-skilled positions are likely to be positive careers steps. Research suggests that more and more dyslexics are reaching university, and when they enter the world of higher academia they find that government grants are easier to get and these can have a substantial effect on their ability to complete such courses. The workplace is discussed, investigating the adverse reactions that many dyslexics face when working in the wider world. Disclosure is examined with pros and cons discussed, however without disclosure, assistive technology and other help will not be forthcoming. Whilst some dyslexics are successful in business (e.g. Richard Branson), many more are unsuccessful and struggle in life to reach their potential, or just gain a well-paid job that will give them and their family a good standard of living. Potential is discussed, along with the long lasting effects of oppressive schooling on the dyslexic‘s self-confidence and self-belief in their own abilities, which affect career decisions and promotion. The last chapter includes a commissioned study for this book, investigating four nondyslexic partners of dyslexics. Dating, communication problems, marriage, parenthood and careers are discussed, and their alternative viewpoints are interesting. Many noted their supportive role, but also how frustrating they found their partners inability to do even simple tasks without heavy reliance on routines, along with them needing to be managed on a daily basis, in many ways similar to a child. Discussing their partner‘s success in life along with their ability to reach their potential, it was found that dyslexics resent not following their dream careers, and are directed into careers that rely on their visual/practical abilities. Non-dyslexic partners are supportive of such career choices, but are aware of the stress and frustration this causes. Lastly there are a number of appendices which details studies of ‗dyslexic defence mechanisms‘ and the personalities of degree versus non-degree educated adult dyslexics. Appendices also detail the research methodologies of the many quoted evidence used in this book. Whilst the above is a summary of each chapter, pulling them all together and making sense of them all, along with the various questioned posed is not an easy task, but I will try. Dyslexia is a mysterious disorder that affects not just an individual‘s ability to learn and function, but their ability to communicate and co-exist within today‘s literacy-based society. When they start school or nursery, dyslexics will see they are different and this is the start of their long battle with society. This battle has less to do with what they can and can not do, but more to do with how society treats difference. Whilst the social model of disability (we are all different and that‘s okay) is the ideal, the medical model (anyone who isn‘t normal needs to be fixed) seems more prevalent. This means dyslexics are not seen as different but abnormal. Through school they will experience all sorts of discrimination, from teachers to their peers. They will learn fairly fast that what they are good at (e.g. making things and drawing/painting) is not valued past nursery school, and that they will be second best to their more able peers. This constant battle to be as good as the rest and failing, is a constant theme in this book, and drives adverse coping strategies or defensive mechanisms such as self-blame (why can‘t I achieve, its my fault, I‘m faulty), withdrawal (if I don‘t fit in then I will live in my safe bubble called my bedroom), depression (no one likes or values me), which can also lead to in some cases to self-harm (I can‘t control my schooling, but can control my body) and attempted suicide (If no one values me then I don‘t have the right to exist).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

210

Neil Alexander-Passe

How does someone with such low self-value/confidence survive school and enter adulthood and the workplace and hopefully settle down in a long-term relationship with children? It‘s hard to imagine, but it happens, but how? In many cases dyslexics find the key in their hobbies, in that they find something they are good at in their teens (e.g. art, design, electronics) and they are encouraged to make this into a career. This encouragement is vital in dyslexics surviving school and being led into either vocational or academic study. However they begin to resent their inability to follow their dream career when they move into their 30‘s and 40‘s, as their career progression is not as fast as their peers. In the workplace they tend to turn down promotion as it will uncover their complex coping strategies to avoid reading and writing tasks, thus without disclosure they will not progress. However disclosure may also halt their career and leave them open to humiliation and ridicule at work. So disclosure is a double-edged sword that most dyslexics tend to avoid at work. When dyslexics begin dating they also find that disclosure issues crop up, as to maintain a lasting relationship they may need to cover up their difficulties to be seen as normal. Any slight difference is noticeable and young adults tend to react without thinking, and avoidance of perceived weird people/individuals is common. The dyslexic‘s inability to remember people‘s names and personal details (short-term memory) goes against them along with their own low perceived self-image or self-worth. If they don‘t value themselves, why would anyone wish to date them? When they finally find someone who is caring and empathetic they may then choose to disclose their difficulties, and hope they will be accepted and valued. If not, then this again attacks their self-worth and some may give up and withdraw into being single for the rest of their life. When they find someone who is right they may then choose to get married, however the quirky nature may have been attractive when dating, may be frustrating when living with them 24/7, which will cause a strain on their relationship. Non-dyslexic partners will find an over reliance on routines and the avoidance of tasks, along with unreliability to do things (e.g. writing and buying from a shopping list or passing on telephone messages) may mean they take on the vast majority of household tasks, which can make relationships heavily reliant on the non-dyslexic partner. Where the true nature or extent of dyslexia difficulties is misunderstood by both the dyslexic and non-dyslexic partner, this can lead to divorce as both sides resent the pressure with the relationship. If the couple want children, they need to question the likelihood of having a dyslexic child, who will likely suffer in mainstream education. Entering parenthood with this choice made, the dyslexic can still be emotionally frail when dyslexia is actually diagnosed in their child, as this can mean they will again relive the horrors of their youth. However commonly it is left to the non-dyslexic partner to take on the huge burden of dealing with the school, the forms, and the dreaded homework. Non-dyslexic partners are sometimes taken aback by the longevity of their partner‘s horrific childhood and traumas in school, and find partners turn into emotional and angry individuals when entering school and talking to teachers. They are likely to relive their own childhood traumas again when fighting schools for additional help for any dyslexic children, so their children have a better chance in life then they received. If they have one or more non-dyslexic children, then the dyslexic whilst being relieved their child isn‘t going to suffer, are amazed at the difference such children are to them. How they can flourish as they never could in school. But they also recognise they can be the odd-one-out in families and can feel unable to mentor such children in school and give career advice. However if their dyslexic parent is positive in nature towards their difficulties,

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Discussion and Conclusion

211

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

their children can learn empathy towards those with difficulties, and see dyslexia in a positive light. I hope you have found this book interesting to read, as I have to write. It has been a personal journey to understand my own relationships and marriage, along with relationships to work and striving to reach one‘s potential. But maybe it‘s been investigating my relationship to my children, their school successes and homework which has been the most revealing, as I have never questioned why I may be detached at times. I would like to end by thanking my wife Andrea and my mother who jointly acted as proof-readers for this book. I appreciate your support, help and assistance, and recognise the valuable time you have committed to this project.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Chapter 15

SUGGESTED HINTS AND TIPS The following are not an exhaustive list of hints and tips, but ideas discussed in this book. Some are my own ideas, and some are by others in the field of dyslexia, disability, and psychology.

Dating and Dyslexia For non-dyslexic partners: 

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.











Try and understand what dyslexia is and is not, by this you will understand how wide ranging the condition is and why it affects most situations. Dyslexics find it hard to listen to long conversations, even when it‘s vitally important. Break conversations down into manageable chunks of 1-2 minutes, then you will have a greater chance he/she will remember what has been said. Dyslexics find it hard to find the right words to say, and can therefore come over as blunt or uncaring in relationships, when they use inappropriate words. No offence is usually intended. If they forget the name of your parents and friends, do not take this as rudeness – it‘s to do with their short-term memory. Remind them again before social situations, prep them. Most dyslexics rely on routines to survive each day, otherwise they will get disorientated and confused. You may see these the more you date them. Recognise them for what they are, strategies to survive - a means to an end. Turning up late or never at all for a date is unfortunate, but common in dyslexics. A text or two on that day, or a polite phone call may be enough to jog their memory.

For dyslexic partners: 

Recognise you have difficulties doing certain things (e.g. managing your time, turning up on time to dates etc) and aim to remind yourself of dates and times you need to be places. Maybe write on your hands, or put on alarm note on your computer or phone, and always wear a watch. Arriving late is a killer to budding relationships.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

214

Neil Alexander-Passe 



  

Keep a note book with you at all times, and write peoples names/messages down. Do not rely on your memory as you will forget. It may take you 10-20 times longer than most to remember dates and names, so try and persevere. Ask for help, your non-dyslexic partner may well be very happy to write down important names and dates in your notebook for you. Your non-dyslexic partner will be much happier if you ask them to remind you of important dates rather than you ignoring them completely, as you have forgotten at the relevant time. Recognise your routines and keep to them. They have worked well for you to this point. Try to organise your life, so you know where everything is. Dyslexics are commonly very disorganised and have piles everywhere. Spend time (1-2hrs) each week managing/filing your piles of stuff.

Marriage and Dyslexia In addition to those in the ‗Dating and Dyslexia‘ section above: For non-dyslexic partners (NCLD, 2009):  

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.





Be direct and specific about your needs. Ask for what you need from your partner; don't expect him or her to read your mind. Avoid criticizing your partner's personality. For example, don't say ‗You're so messy!‘ or ‗You never listen to me!‘ or ‗You always only think about yourself!‘. Try not to use ‗You‘ statements when there is a conflict. For example: Your partner: ‗You were going to tidy up the living room, but there's still a bunch of papers and books lying around! Can't you ever finish anything that you start?‘ You respond: ‗You're never satisfied with anything I do!‘ Instead, use ‗I‘ statements, such as the following: Your partner: ‗When I find the living room cluttered, I feel unsettled. I would appreciate it if you would pick up all the junk mail and books.‘You respond: ‗When you criticize my efforts, I feel bad. I'll be happy to put away the books, but I'll need to know if you want any of these catalogs before I throw them away."

For dyslexic partners:     

You need a good understanding of your strengths as well as your challenges. You should understand how your disability affects your behaviour and your ability to communicate. Your partner/spouse needs to understand your learning disabilities could interfere with many aspects of everyday life. You both should understand that some tasks might take you longer to do, than for other people. Be as self-reliant as possible, so your partner does not feel overburdened or in a patient-caregiver relationship.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Suggested Hints and Tips 



 

215

Explain to your partner the accommodations you need. For example, if you have trouble following a series of directions and your partner asks you to do three things after dinner, reply with a direct statement, such as ‗Please write down what you need, or give me the directions one at a time.‘ Agree to trade-off household tasks so you handle the ones that you can do e.g. your partner/spouse may pay the bills and balance the finances, whilst you do the cooking/washing up. The share should be as equal as possible to stop resentment developing. Be open to improving your social skills. Ask your partner/spouse to give you feedback on things you should/should not do in the company of others. Look at your partner/spouse when he/she is speaking. Pay attention to the gestures and facial expressions he/she uses. If you are not sure about what your partner/spouse has said, ask for clarification. For the two of you to have open and honest communication, you both need to be sure that you understand what's being said.

If your Child Is Dyslexic For non-dyslexic partners: 

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.



  





Having dyslexic children is not the end of the road, don‘t get disheartened. Don‘t give up on your dreams for them, but be realistic at each stage of their school careers. Dyslexic is a genetic condition, with the male line being more dominant. It is likely that boys with a dyslexic father will also be dyslexic. We are unable to change out genes, so each child will be the culmination of both parents – strengths and weaknesses from each of you. Do not blame one another for your child‘s traits, its unhelpful to your relationship, and to your child‘s future. It is mostly unheard of for parents to reject children who do not look like them, so should the same should be for different learning styles. Dyslexic children will need more love and support than non-dyslexic children, and will come home from school exhausted. It is hard to know how hard a dyslexic is trying, as so much effect is taken up with overcoming their learning deficits. They may only write a few sentences, but it takes them half an hour to do this. Recognise that strategies that worked for you at school are unlikely to work for them. Their teachers are using such strategies at school and likely to be ineffective for dyslexics. Do some research and look at dyslexic friendly learning techniques multi-sensory (using sound, touch, physical methods) to hit as many senses as possible. Examples include: - printing work on different coloured pieces of paper or using different coloured overlays (for book reading), as dyslexics - find reading text on white paper difficult. - taping questions for them to respond to. - use of pictures to learn geographical terms or a foreign language. - use of DVDs and comics to learn books/novels/plays for school, as such visual means may be advantageous and remove difficult language e.g. Shakespeare‘s use of English. Dyslexics have good and bad days. They will remember something one day and not the next day. All the revision for a test done the night before many be lost by the

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

216

Neil Alexander-Passe

 







Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.













morning – do not get disheartened, this is normal. It can take 40-50+ repetitions for an action/knowledge to be remembered for dyslexics. Try and make learning fun and vocational (hands-on) this way they learn effectively. Try and immerse your child in as many non-academic hobbies as possible, they may find something they are good at. This is so important for their self-esteem, and may be their route to an enjoyable career. It is common for dyslexic children to see themselves as abnormal and isolated. Thus it is very important to find other dyslexics for them to socialise with both in and out of school. This way they can share ideas and support one another through the traumas and trials of school. Dyslexics tend to have fewer friends in and out of school, and can be seen by other children as abnormal. This can be due to poor social skills and the inability to read non-verbal clues around them. Help your child by teaching them social awareness, conversation and debating skills. This will improve their self-confidence. Dyslexics at school use a lot of avoidance techniques, look out for these, as they are signs that they are struggling, e.g. avoidance in class, blending into the background, sitting in the back row of classrooms and not putting up hands, constantly breaking pencils, forgetting pens, forgetting to write down homework, forgetting the books required for homework. Homework time is hard in most households, and dyslexics will try and avoid such work at all costs. Recognise they need time after school to unwind before starting homework. Remind them each evening about homework and allow a quite place for them to do it, away from distractions (e.g. TV, computer, music etc). It may be more productive for them to use the computer for homework (e.g. typing rather than writing) and for you to allow them to dictate work to you. This way they can show their understanding, without their handwriting/spelling being a problem. Do not be afraid to send your child into school with incomplete or incorrect work. This is important for their teacher to see and doesn‘t reflect on you as parents. If you do the homework for them, then the teacher will think there is no learning deficit and ignore their needs in the classroom. You are doing them no favours doing it for them, in fact it could be argued as doing them harm as it can delay much needed intervention. If your child won‘t allow/accept your help with homework, then finding another nonfamily adult may be advantageous, and allow you to remain in the emotional support role. Your dyslexic partner can be a great mentor/role model to your dyslexic child. He/she has shown that dyslexia is not an end, but an opportunity to forge a vocational career or use vocational means to achieve a professional qualification. It may at times seem like your dyslexic partner and child are talking a different language together, this comes from them thinking in similar ways and can sense things together. Do not get disheartened by this, it can mean that their shared common thought processes can improve their emotional bond. Whilst your dyslexic partner may not be able to support literacy homework, they can and should take other active parts in their homework, e.g. science experiments/discussion of current affairs.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Suggested Hints and Tips 

217

They may be able to offer a dyslexic-friendly learning and hands-on solutions (more visual, practical and games based). Whilst a private educational psychologist report is expensive, and could be argued to be biased by schools (compared to a report created by them which could also be argued as biased), it is important to gain some third party evidence to pressure schools with. It‘s expensive (approx £300 in the UK, from a chartered educational psychologist, look for specialist centres for advice on who to use), but worth it and should be done as soon as possible. Putting it off will only prolong your child not getting the help they so badly need in class.

For dyslexic partners:  





 

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

 

Dyslexia is a genetic disorder, so there is a high chance of having dyslexic children. This is greater in males than females. Look out for early signs in your children, for their own sake, and if early symptoms persist then demand the school has your child assessed. Your own dyslexia will increase the pressure on schools to act earlier. If your child turns out to be dyslexic, stress the positives and show examples of dyslexic role models e.g. Tim Cruise, Sir Richard Branson, Charles Schwab, Whoopi Goldberg etc. You and your dyslexic child are different people, schools are better able to indentify and help struggling learners. Have faith, but don‘t relent the fight for help in the classroom. Try and resist the temptation to relive your own troubled childhood through your dyslexic child – this will only end in tears, anger and being barred from schools. It is important that you take an active part in your dyslexic child‘s education, find an area you can help out with and do this as best as you can. You can be a vital mentor or counsellor to your dyslexic child, he/she will need to let off steam after school and doing homework, you can be a vital shoulder to cry on. The use of a physical activity done together e.g. playing ball games, walking the dog or other can help reduce their stress.

If your Child Is not Dyslexic For non-dyslexic partners: 





You may think that your partner is pleased/relieved about not having dyslexic children, and in many ways he/she is, but this can mean he may feel different/abnormal to his children, as his own schooling was negative and difficult – shared experiences are important for bonds to be reinforced. One is unlikely to be able to rule out dyslexia or mild dyslexia until your child is about 8-10 years old, when they should have consistently demonstrated their mastery of reading, writing and arithmetic. So always be on the look out when they struggle to learn. Severe cases are more likely to be diagnosed, but mild underlying dyslexia may still be present in academically able children. Dyslexia comes in many forms; some have

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

218

Neil Alexander-Passe problems writing, some reading and writing, some writing down their thoughts coherently, and some processing complex problems. Every dyslexic is different and this makes diagnosis sometimes very hard.



 

For dyslexic partners: It is sometimes hard to deal with the fact that your children do not have obvious symptoms of dyslexia; symptoms can appear later on when they have to deal with more complex learning tasks. Mild cases are more common than severe cases; however severe cases are more likely to be diagnosed. If your children are not dyslexic then be happy that they are succeeding at school and do not have learning difficulties. Celebrate your child‘s success and do not compare your own failures with your child‘s ability to do well at school. This will only lead to resentment and create a barrier to your relationship with your child.

Having Both Dyslexic and Non-dyslexic Children For non-dyslexic partners: 

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.



 



 

It can be difficult to understand why your dyslexic child is so different to your nondyslexic child, as both come from the same parents - human genes are strange things and strange things can happen. Not all parents have the same hair colour of their parents or look like them. This is not about dominant genes but each parent is responsible for the creation of a child, each child will have traits from each parent. Recognise that homework with each type of child will taken different lengths of time and will require different input from you, or will need different support. They can produce very different results in the same timeframe (both length and content) Do not compare each child with one another - it‘s unfair as they are very different learners. Recognise that siblings may get jealous of the extra time you may be giving to a dyslexic child, so explain to a non-dyslexic sibling about dyslexia, and try and get them to help their sibling in their work – creating a whole family team unit. It‘s sometimes easier for a dyslexic child to hear things from a sibling than from a parent, also they may use similar language to their classroom teacher which may make a difference. Choose activities where the dyslexic sibling can do better than their non-dyslexic sibling, to make up for all the failure they experience at school. Dyslexics need to know their value in families, and that they can be good or better at things compared to peers. Try and avoid comparison of school grades where possible, and do not share school reports – it can only build resentment between siblings. Be aware that your dyslexic partner may side with a dyslexic child more than nondyslexic one, this comes from a need to protect a vulnerable child, as they themselves sometimes felt the world was against them (both at home and in school).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Suggested Hints and Tips 





219

The UK‘s Disability Discrimination Act suggests at times that ‗positive discrimination‘ is needed to try and right many wrongs in society, schools and the workplace. With this in mind, think about ‗positive discrimination‘ at home. Talk about different learning styles (difference) rather than disability, when talking to your children and others around them. Let them be known as individuals rather than generalist labels e.g. ‗the clever one, the abnormal one‘. Having two very different children may be interesting for you, as you can compare and contrast their abilities and disabilities, you will see how significantly dyslexia affects a child growing up.

For dyslexic partners: 



 

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.





It will be very interesting for you to see the vast contrast between you two children, and this can at times mean you feel more empathy towards your dyslexic child. It is important to treat each child the same and to not be seen to favour one over the other. It will be easy for you to see your dyslexic child as the under-dog and feel more empathy towards their struggle in school, due to your own educational history. Recognise that times have changed and that your child will gain more support than you did. Try and help both with their homework, and recognise that you can be a mentor to both of them. Prepare your non-dyslexic child that they will achieve differently to their sibling, by promoting disability awareness in the home and when you travel. This way they will see disability as positive, and at difference should be embraced. Try and create a team mentality at home, with dyslexic and non-dyslexic siblings working together towards a common goal. This will improve their bond, and allow each to see they have strengths and weaknesses. Try to promote joint homework time, working together, and each support one another with school learning. This can develop in each tutoring one another.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved. Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

APPENDICES

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

APPENDIX 1: DYSLEXIC DEFENCE MECHANISMS In a study by the author (Alexander-Passe, 2009c) a hypothetical model (see Figure 1) was proposed based on personal experience, recent research (Alexander-Passe, 2004a, 2004b, 2005, 2006, 2008a, 2009a, b, 2010a, b) and supporting empirical evidence. Whilst all children when entering education, be it at nursery or primary school, would have been encouraged by their parents on a one to one basis to feel the world is their oyster, as soon as they enter school or nursery they begin to see differences between themselves and others, but most importantly they will either experience success or failure in any new tasks presented to them. Where encouragement results in success in more cases than failure, they will learn that tackling new tasks is exciting and enjoyable. Where they experience failure more times than success, they will feel that learning is an activity they are unable to control, with failure being perceived in the majority of learning environments as something negative and to be feared. However, progressive educational techniques (Montessori, 1965) encourage failure and perceive any failure as an expected aspect and encouraged part of the learning process; in mainstream UK education such views are not valued. Thus failure and especially public failure is seen as socially unacceptable. Early screening of children as soon as they enter school (the first 6 weeks of their first term of their first year at school) is seen as a powerful tool in screening for learning difficulties such as dyslexia, ADHD etc. Such screening is a means to monitor, diagnose and treat educational difficulties before a child learns that education establishments can be threatening environments. Research suggests that early assessment and correct specialist dyslexia treatment where required, can dramatically reduce adverse reactions to mainstream schools. Fear of failure is such a powerful psychological concept and can be extremely potent in changing an individual‘s whole basis of pre-judging new learning situations, or any situation that may risk public ridicule. Once the appraisal is of fear, the body aims to avoid or escape from such a threat in various ways; however parental example and the reaction of parents to their own and their child‘s difficulties have a strong impact on how they act themselves. If the parenting style is understanding and supportive, then the child may be encouraged to try and risk again, if the parenting style is strict, repressive and unsupportive, then the child will develop mechanisms to reduce their exposure to any feared stimulus. First they will try basic word avoidances (e.g. writing less and using simple words); however this commonly is not sufficient to deal with school demands. Mature defensive

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

222

Neil Alexander-Passe

mechanisms are likely to firstly be developed and are classed as either Emotional or Behaviourial, with the former being social withdrawal, self-blame, perfectionism, hiding in class and feeling sad. The latter are likely to include task avoidance, truancy, frustration, bad temper, bullying, pessimism and sublimination. These are classed as mature responses according to empirical studies (Vaillant, 1977 and Meissner, 1980). Scott (2004, p. 257) notes from clinical experience that dyslexics are outstanding at defence mechanisms and ‗the subtext is that you [the counsellors] get lost in the smoke screen of the dyslexic‘s behaviours [Defence mechanisms] and do not notice the failure and vulnerability beneath‘. With counsellors noting that you never forget a dyslexic client as they are very cunning, ‗refined and slippery‘ and that commonly their defences can isolate them from others, noting ‗in short, we have to notice when the iron defences turns into iron cages‘. Alexander-Passe (2006, 2009a, b) suggests that clear Emotional or Behaviourial differences exist among dyslexics, with gender splits being evident. The key is understanding why some children choose emotional or behavioural defensive strategies. Experience suggests that children with strict and repressive parents choose emotional strategies, whilst those with parents displaying aggression encourage their children to replicate such aggression at school (aggression begets aggression). Such children learn that its okay to display anger and a bullied child is more likely to bully others or even younger siblings. However in primary school, immature emotional strategies may be evident, these include bed wetting, delayed or regressive language skills, sulking, thumb sucking and crying, hypochondria, passive aggression and blocking out. These regressive strategies are direct responses to difficulties at school and a wish to return to their mother‘s safety as an infant. Regressive strategies are less common in late primary school, however regressive language skills such as stammering are habit forming and can be life-long complaints. Other immature Behavioural strategies may also be evident during primary school years with shouting, acting out, temper tantrums, biting, and attention seeking, as a means to ward away feared stimulus. Whilst it is unclear how much is too much fear, children and adolescents with dyslexia experience high levels of stress as their dyslexic difficulties evolve from the classroom to the playground, and to socialising outside of school (the whole school experience). Any defence strategies used are cries for help; however these secondary manifestations are commonly treated without looking at the primary causes. When the fear gets too much and mature and immature mechanisms are ineffective e.g. unable to protect the individual from threats, the individual will look for more complex escape mechanisms, either extreme Emotional or Behavioural defensive mechanisms, with isolation, intellectualization, depression, projection, escapism, or drug abuse to numb the pain and self-harm by those using Emotional mechanisms. Such responses are perceived by them as the only means left to them to escape or control the risk in their hostile world, but can lead to suicidal tendencies. Those who use Behavioural mechanisms are likely to turn to revenge on teachers leading to violence, displacement, or maybe criminal activities. Not only repaying the hostility they themselves have experienced from a society they feel excluded from, but also as a means to gain self-esteem from material gain. Alcohol and drug abuse is also common for voyeurism and part of taking enlarged risks in life.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Appendices

223

Figure 1. Hypothetical Model of ‗Dyslexia Defence Mechanisms‘.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

There are three main keys to this hypothesis: (1) Parenting style; (2) Transitional factors; and (3) Are the factors exclusive?

Parenting Style Children learn explanatory styles from those around them, if parents or peers are anxious, depressive or aggressive towards them, then they have been shown successful mechanisms which they then will replicate in similar stressful situations. The same is true for parents and peers who are relaxed and show concern for their child‘s learning problems, the child will learn such lessons well and will replicate in similar situations. One question that is always posed is how much influence does a parent have when their child goes to school? Whilst their child‘s peers have a strong influence (especially from late primary school onwards), a parent can support or make it difficult for their child to mix socially with any undesirable peers, however the parenting style seen before a child goes to school can instil a basis for their choice of coping mechanism. Factors such as bullying in the classroom by teachers and in the playground by peers can teach behavioural coping to vulnerable children. Isolation in the playground and after school can made a vulnerable child turn to emotional defences as a means to cope with their feelings; but it can also re-enforce or confirm a child‘s concept that they are unloved and unwanted. A main factor can be gender, in that more girls turn to emotional defences than boys, with boys choosing more macho behavioural mechanisms. Not only at home but at school, gender is a strong factor and is reinforced in the classroom, playground and role-play. Brody (1985)

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

224

Neil Alexander-Passe

reports that parents encourage sons to be more aggressive but unemotional, but encourage daughters to be emotional but non-aggressive. Feschbach (1989) therefore suggests that girls believe it is inappropriate to express anger openly, as compared to boys and that boys will tend to think it is inappropriate to express fear so will use internal attempts to control or hide that fear. Gender differences are apparent in both dyslexic and norm population and suggests that females will choose more emotional and males will choose more behavioural defence mechanisms (Alexander-Passe, 2006, 2009b).

Transitional Factors When a child starts to use defence mechanisms they are saying to themselves and others ‗I can‘t cope, help me‘, whilst some defences are shouting, others are whispering and thus if they are not heard and responded to then the feelings of failure are reinforced. Factors such as the degree and longevity of the trauma (e.g. a bad supply teacher may only be there a week) are important factors. However, if the trauma is continuous (e.g. bullying or unfair teacher/tutor), then extreme responses may be used to escape the threat. Scott (2004) suggests a child can be bullied twice, first by the actual bully and secondly by parents/teachers ignoring the cries for help. If help is not given their perceptions of poorconcept (e.g. ‗I‘m stupid, I‘m lazy‘) are confirmed and they then go further down a spiral of lower self-concept to a point of no return. Such points either turn to depression, suicide if they blame themselves, or criminal activities if they blame others and society for the injustice in their lives.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Are these Factors Exclusive? It is hypothesised that initial mature responses may be interchangeable between Emotional and Behavioural defence mechanisms, however as each is reinforced they begin to separate into strongly Emotional or strongly Behavioural. Some mature responses may be found in both emotional and behavioural defensive mechanism models, as it is the basis of avoidance for dyslexics. This may take the form of writing less, choosing shorter and easier to spell words in essays, losing books and forgetting homework assignments. Whilst some may be attributed to core dyslexic deficits e.g. short term memory problems, on the whole they are suppressive defence mechanisms.

Choosing Emotional and Behavioural Defence Mechanisms? Empirical studies (Donaldson, Prinstein, Danovsky and Spirito, 2000) suggest that defence mechanisms are stable over age and gender. However, Vaillant (1992) suggests age differentials, with: ‗psychotic‘ defences being in healthy individuals till 5 years old and common in adult dreams and fantasies; ‗immature‘ defences in healthy individuals between 315 years old; ‗neurotic‘ defences in healthy individuals between 3-90 years old; and ‗mature‘ defences mechanism in healthy individuals between 12-90 years old. Whilst there is very little

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Appendices

225

difference in Valliant‘s scales, it cannot be taken for granted that all defences are stable from childhood to adulthood. A recent study (Alexander-Passe, 2008a, b) compared the sources and manifestations of stress with dyslexic and non-dyslexic siblings, using a standardized measure by Helms and Gable (1989). The data shown in Figures 2 and 3 has been re-analyzed to investigate both gender and age. Table 1 results indicate that the manifestations of stress vary according to age (shown in academic year group). High emotional and physiological manifestations are found in the year 3-6 year group suggesting immature emotional defence mechanisms are used e.g. fear, shyness, loneliness, nausea, tremors because of the school experience. At academic years 6-9 there is no clear manifestation differential, thus, it is difficult to assess their primary defence mechanism and these are similar to the sibling control data. However the academic year group 10-12 suggests that emotional manifestations or defence mechanisms are used again as the primary strategy e.g. fear, shyness, loneliness. Interestingly in the control year 10-12 group, behaviour e.g. acting out and being disrespectful was their primary manifestation and defence mechanism. Table 2 results investigate the data with gender and age variables. Whilst these subgroups are small, they suggest no gender differences at an early age (school years 3-5) due to their school experience. The results indicate high teacher and academic stress with a poor academic concept. However, there is no real control data for comparison. At school years 6-9, dyslexic females show high behavioural manifestations e.g. being hurtful, disrespectful or striking out as a defence mechanism, compared to dyslexic males. The data suggests that this defence mechanism is used up to the point of leaving school (school years 10-12). Interestingly the data suggests that dyslexic males use less behavioural, more emotional, and more physiological manifestations at the point of leaving school (school year 10-12) e.g. fear, shyness, loneliness, nausea, tremors as a result of the school experience. Another study Alexander-Passe (2006, 2009a) suggests gender coping differences amongst dyslexic teenagers, using standardized measures of coping (Endler and Parker, 1999) and depression (Beck, Steer and Brown, 1996), see Figures 6 and 7. Females scored higher in emotional coping and depression than dyslexic males, who preferred Task-orientated coping. It is interesting that the Females scored high in all three forms of Avoidance (General, Distraction and Social Diversion), suggesting that withdrawal is a main Defence mechanism at this age. One explanation may come from Hales (2001b) who has studied post-private educational psychologist diagnosis of dyslexia. He found that the mood in nearly half of all those diagnosed changed to denial, depression and resentment and that this might be caused by a large percentage of schools ignoring the diagnosis. Severe and immature Defences may be used in academic years 3-6 as dyslexics are getting to know and deal with a world they have difficulty interacting with. At academic years 6-9 they are hopeful of the changes in help following assessment, however when this does not happen, they become emotionally defensive again (academic years 10-12). In Hales (1994b) a study was conducted with various aged dyslexics (6-8, 8-12, 12-18 and 18+years) using the Cattell Sixteen Personality Factor Questionnaire (Cattell, Elber and Tatsuoka, 1970) on N=300 dyslexics (75% Male and 25% Female), ranging from 6 to 58 years old. A selection of the results shown in Figure 6 have been drawn from his published diagrams and are approximate, but indicate gender and age differences in how dyslexics cope from childhood to adulthood.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

226

Neil Alexander-Passe

Taking an overall view, dyslexics in all age groups scored in the average range, except for 8-12 years old dyslexic females who scored very high in the apprehension scale suggesting they worry about things, feel anxiety and insecurity; this may indicate difficulties changing to secondary school, difficulties making new friends, and dealing with the increased academic pressures. High self-confidence scores for 6-8year old dyslexic males suggest they enter school with high confidence and optimism, however this dramatically drops to average (normal) levels as they come to terms with having learning difficulties, however to norm levels. Hale‘s analysis of the full data suggests that children between 6-8 years old feel: tense; frustrated; inferior to peers; and lack an obligation to conform to society‘s value schemes which may be due to their inability to conceive why they find school difficult and others do not. At between 8-12 years old they have already resigned themselves to having learning difficulties, and are unmotivated and anxious due to demands made on them. He also notes they are unmotivated to control their own emotions and may have fits of anger. Children with this score normally have problems socially with peers and problems interacting in the classroom, as these are repeated chances for them to appear inadequate. In the 12-18 year age group, the scores indicate they prefer to work by themselves and show high independence. With the 18+ year group, high dominance scores suggest such a group are more assertive and independent-minded, however also solemn, unconventional and rebellious. Hales remarks these this may be part of their coping strategy to reduce hostile environments that would affect their self-esteem. The data from Hales (1994a) shown in Table 8, indicates defence strategies are already being used from an early age (6-8 yrs) and that school is perceived as a threatening environment that needs to be controlled. Results also suggest that withdrawal in both school and social environments with signs of perfectionism confirm several of the aspects found in the hypothetical model (Alexander-Passe, 2009c). Overall, there is evidence that DDMs develop early on in childhood and these vary according to age and gender, with many Males choosing behavioural and Females Emotional Defence mechanisms to deal with the hostilities they face. Table 6. Coping Inventory for Stressful Situations Task Emotion Avoidance Distraction Social diversion Males N=12 70.1 (23.7) 56.1 (39.0) 34.8 (23.1) 34.5 (23.2) 39.6 (29.3) Females N=7 55.4 (27.8) 70.3 (28.8) 60.7 (32.4) 55.9 (35.9) 67.9 (16.0) Endler and Parker, 1999 - percentile mean scores (SD) in a study of N=19 Dyslexic teenagers in Alexander-Passe (2006).

Table 7. Beck Depression Inventory BDI Raw Scores Males N=12 6.2 (5.6) Females N=7 20.1 (12.8) Beck et al., 1996 – raw mean scores (SD) in a study of N=19 Dyslexic teenagers in Alexander-Passe (2006).

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

227

Appendices Table 8. Data taken from Hales (1994) Dominance

Females 6-8yrs 8-12yrs 12-18yrs 18+yrs Males 6-8yrs 8-12yrs 12-18yrs 18+yrs

Tension

Independence

Emotional Stability

Apprehension

Selfconfidence

Superego strength

5.25 4.5 6.5 7.5

6.25 6.1 5 6.5

5.6 6.7 5 4.5

5.5 4.25 4.5 5

5.25 9.4 6 6.5

6 4.25 5.75 6.5

5.6 5.25 5.5 3.75

5.5 5.5 5.6 6.7

6.75 5.5 5.2 5.4

4 5 6.25 4.4

4.8 4.6 5.4 5.4

6.75 4.5 5 4.75

7 5.5 5.75 6

3.75 4.1 5 5.4

Dyslexics of various ages in measures from the Cattell 16 Personality Factor Questionnaire. Range 1=low and 10-high, 3.5-7.5=average.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

How Dyslexic Defence Mechanisms (DDMs) Compare to those of other Researchers? The DDMs as conceptualised have been developed from several of the author‘s own research studies (Alexander-Passe, 2004a, 2004b, 2005, 2006, 2008a, 2009a, b) and other researchers. They suggest that dyslexics will either predominantly use emotional or behavioural coping strategies/defence mechanisms. The closest defence mechanism models to that of the findings of empirical studies and the DDM are specifically those of Vaillant (1977) and Meissner (1980); however they suggest no difference between emotional and behavioural mechanisms in their immature, mature and neurotic models. Even though Vaillant‘s model is now incorporated in to the DSM-IV (APA, 1994), it was created from investigating a small sample of N=100 male Harvard graduates, and thus it is questionable if such models can be generalized to not only male and female as a whole, but specifically dyslexic populations. As both Vaillant‘s and Meissner‘s models proved problematic in the case of dyslexics (child, adolescent and adult models), modifications were made. In addition, an initial strategy of using word avoidances has been suggested which is used when first faced with possible challenges to their self-concept (as supported by various studies mentioned earlier). Dyslexics, due to the reactions of educators and peers to their invisible learning difficulties and the resulting emotional reactions to maintain their self-esteem, are a unique group and it is hypothesised they require a different framework in understanding how such individuals deal with constant stressors. The DDM framework begins by noting the importance of early identification and how important it is for teachers to identify children failing more than they are succeeding in the classroom. Studies support self-efficacy in the classrooms (Bandura, Pastorelli, Barbaraneli and Caprara, 1999; Cramer and Gaul, 1988; Burns, 1982; Frydenberg, 1997) suggesting that children whose belief system is positive are more able to apply themselves to the curriculum and access the support they need.

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

228

Neil Alexander-Passe

Appendix 2: THE ADULT DYSLEXIC PERSONALITY Adult Dyslexics: General and Successful Personality Profiles The majority of researchers ignore the affects of dyslexia and focus on ways to help the dyslexic gain literacy. Whilst this stance is positive, it ignores the dyslexic as an individual and as many remedial education teachers have found, until one re-teaches the ability to believe in oneself, most remedial efforts will be in vain. Thus to understand the dyslexic learner, one needs to investigate their personality and especially how different severities of dyslexia affects the creation of extroverted or introverted personality characteristics. Alexander-Passe (2009b) investigated a sample of N=87 self-diagnosed dyslexic and non-dyslexic adults. A screening measure was used to identify the severity of dyslexia traits and any hidden dyslexia amongst the control sample. Gender and severity of dyslexia were found to be important factors in understanding how dyslexia affects the development of personality attributes (coping strategies) which they have evolved to deal with educational and social failure. Investigations were also made into how the severity of the dyslexia affects the likelihood of attainment at school and in post-school education. An overview is included in this chapter.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Personality The origin of the word ‗personality‘ suggests a possible relationship between the dramatic rendering of a playwright‘s character and the psychologist‘s attempt to describe it. The word comes from persona, the mask that Greek and Roman actors wore to indicate the characters they played. Allport and Odbert (1936) suggest the knowledge of an individual‘s personality attributes will permit us to predict what he is likely to do, even in situations in which we have never observed them. Thus, personality measures were initially devised to supply information that would make such predictions possible. Cronbach (1983) describes the first personality measure, designed to identify emotionally disturbed US Army recruits during World War 1. The measure was an ‗adjustment inventory‘ consisting of questions such as ‗do you daydream frequently?‘ and ‗Do you wet your bed?‘, if conscripts reported many traits they were singled out for psychiatric examination. Whilst there are similarities between personality and intelligence measures, they are different in how they are validated (intelligence measures can be validated through corrections to age, teacher evaluations and academic performance, personality measures are hard to validate). Many early personality measures (e.g. Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-MMPI by Hathaway and McKinley, 1942) were created to seek out those with mental illness and were validated from psychiatric samples. Newer measures take a different viewpoint and are better suited for use in the general population (e.g. California Psychological Inventory-CPI by Gough and Bradley, 1996) and use high school and college students for validation. Unstructured personality measures were first suggested in the 1950‘s, based on asking unrelated questions (asking for their perception and understanding of pictures or images) to inform the questioner to their mental health. One opposing view is that how can one penetrate

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Appendices

229

below the surface to find out what the subject does not know himself? The concept uses tricks to circumvent the subjects own defences against threatening impulses and ideas. Such measures include the ‗Rorschach Inkblots‘ (Zubin, Eron and Schumer, 1965) and the ‗Thematic Apperception Test-TAT‘ (Murray, 1943). However, according to some experts they have little or incremental validity (Anastasi, 1968; Meehl 1959) for the general population, with only the TAT being useful for psychiatric patients.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Personality – Review of Theories Whilst personality measures have a practical purpose in aiding diagnosis and counselling, there needs to be empirical support for the theories supporting such measures. These theories generally fall into two categories: Trait, and Humanistic approaches. For this chapter ‗Trait theory‘ will be known as ‗Attribute theory‘, to avoid confusion later on concerning a dyslexia trait measure. Attribute theories are primarily an attempt to characterise people by reference to some underlying basic attributes. Each sub-theories under the ‗attribute‘ umbrella tries to understand and support different ‗basic categorises of attributes‘. One example is in the development of the Cattell 16PF (Cattell, 1957; Cattell et al., 1970). The starting point for this measure was 4,500 terms from 18,000 attribute words, with many thrown out by removing difficult and uncommon words and synonyms until 171 attribute names were left. A group of judges then rated research participants to these terms, with factor analysis to a number of intelligence and performance measures - the results were 16 primary dimensions of personality. Later research now reduced the number to 5 major dimensions, named the ‗big five‘ (Norman, 1963; Brody, 1988; Goldberg, 1993), namely: extroversion, emotional stability, agreeableness, conscientiousness and cultural sensitivity, and Eysenck (1953, 1981) suggests just two independent dimensions were required, covered under Norman‘s five (Neuroticism and Extroversion/Introversion). Eysenck found these two dimensions applied to many different cultures with usage in Bangladesh, Brazil, Hong Kong and Japan (Eysenck and Eysenck 1983). Later Eysenck (Eysenck and Eysenck, 1975, 1983) added a third dimension ‗psychoticism‘ to explain relationships to aggressive, antisocial, cold, impulsive and self-centred attributes for absolute extremes of psychiatric disorders and this included more of Norman‘s ‗big five‘. Researchers have questioned the validity of attribute concept (Mischel, 1968); mainly that situationism is the reason for behavioural inconsistencies. However, Block (1977) suggests that consistency over time rather than situations is important to attribute theory. Epstein (1980) found that whilst consistency of attributes in situations on a single day basis may be low, over a number of days it was much higher (from +.30 to +.80), thus suggesting consistency across situations. Moskowitz (1982) noted that whilst manifestations of aggression may differ between childhood, adolescence and adulthood, from boys using fists in childhood to adults shouting, they form the same core attribute, thus consistency. Another alternative offered is that the ‗interaction‘ rather than the ‗situation‘ is the critical factor (Magnusson and Endler, 1977), thus individual perception of anxiety will affect the choice of attributes used. Endler (1982) suggests that whilst the situation determining a person‘s behaviour, the person‘s attributes often determine what situation they find themselves in (a reciprocal effect) – so a chicken and egg situation. There is also

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

230

Neil Alexander-Passe

biological/genetic support for attribute theory, which suggests that personality is formed from an individual‘s temperament/anxiety (Buss and Plomin, 1984), as anxiety is an inevitable part of our daily life. This suggests that how an individual deals with anxiety (their pattern of defences) is what makes people different, be it use of alcohol, aggression or emotional – thus when defences fail, personality seems modified. Some 50 years ago, a new perspective on human motivation and personality developed, to understand how healthy human beings operate. In their view, psychoanalysts look at people as if they are all emotional cripples, behaviourists as if they are blind and attribute theorists as material to file into sterile pigeonholes. Humanists felt that each of these approaches lost sight of what is truly human about being human (in essence ‗feelings‘). Maslow (1968) a major theorist of this movement suggested that personality movements to date took a pessimistic and negative view of human beings - always wanting to get away from something (e.g. pain, hunger, sexual tension). He proposed a hierarchy of need, whereas lower order physical needs, needed to be met (e.g. food, water, oxygen then comfort, security and freedom from fear) before higher order emotions could be possible (e.g. love, self-esteem, knowledge, understanding, approval, knowledge) with self-actualization at the top (the desire to realize oneself to the fullest). Rogers (1959) and Jung (1963) developed the term ‗self‘ and ‗selfconcept‘ to understand ones sense of oneself who takes or does not take actions. Counselling was the key to Roger‘s work on the individual and he believed that to grow into emotionally healthy adults, children need warmth and understanding. Many question the empirical basis to the Humanistic movement (Smith, 1996) and view terms of self-esteem and self-actualization as hard to define and measure.

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.

Is there a Dyslexic Personality? As Hales (1994b) puts it, is there any more blind than a dyslexic personality? The question should really be how does dyslexia affect the individual's personality? Richardson and Stein (1993) conclude, it would be extraordinary if any disorder did not affect the personality profile, where daily life is affected. The dyslexic suffers in varying degrees, from problems tying ones shoelaces, to reading road signs, passing driving tests and reading newspapers and emails. Dyslexia affects every aspect of the dyslexic's life and affects the ability to converse clearly with the outside word. However, the largest body of research into the personality of dyslexics has been with whose who are successful. This does however put a rosy face on the profile of dyslexics as many dyslexics leave school without average qualifications (5+ GCSE passes in the UK) and are unable to go onto university. The high population of individuals in UK, US and Swedish prisons with reading difficulties or dyslexia (30-52% of all prison inmates in tested prisons) would suggest that many leave mainstream education unable to find gainful employment and are forced to use illegal means to support themselves and their families (Alm & Andersson, 1995; Antonoff, 1998; Kirk and Reid, 2001; Morgan, 1996, 1997; Morgan, 1997; Davis, Caddick, Lyon, Dling, Hasler, Webster, Read and Ford, 1997). Klein (1998) found in one prison project, that only 5% of dyslexics identified had been identified at school. As Osmond (1994) found, the majority of dyslexics are still handicapped by their disability and gaining the same heights as their non-dyslexic peers is fraught with difficulty and requires an immense effort and determination. According to Miller (1998a, b) 50-75% of all disabled adults are unemployed. Some individuals with dyslexia (depending on educational and

Dyslexics : Dating, Marriage and Parenthood, Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated, 2013. ProQuest Ebook Central,

Appendices

231

severity) may find it very difficult, if not impossible, to learn to read, write or do mathematics (Scott et al., 1992). Frequently, adult dyslexics find they lack not only adequate academic and emotional skills, but also interpersonal communication and social skills as well - putting them in a greater risk of a continual cycle of failure.

Methodology The aim of Alexander-Passe (2009b) was to:   

Copyright © 2013. Nova Science Publishers, Incorporated. All rights reserved.



Understand if gender and the severity of dyslexia were crucial factors in understanding the personality of adult dyslexics. Investigate if any negative secondary manifestations found in children with dyslexia will also be found with adults. Investigate if dyslexics with and without school/post-school success will have significantly different personalities and to controls. Investigate if there are significant personality differences between dyslexics with and without academic success.

This study has two parts; Part 1 investigates the ‗General Profiles‘ of dyslexics, as compared to non-dyslexic controls. Part 2 looks at ‗Successful Profiles‘ and aims to understand the personality of dyslexics who experience academic success. N=89 adults were recruited, N=46 self-reported dyslexics and N=43 adult controls. The gender split included N=21 males and N=25 females for self-reported dyslexics and N=17 males and N=26 females for controls. The mean age for the self-diagnosed dyslexics was 35.64yrs (S.D. 11.543) and 43.41yrs (S.D. 8.180) for the controls. This study did not diagnose dyslexia, but relied on them to indicate their own diagnosis. Thus, a screening measure was introduced to firstly confirm diagnosis and secondly screen for likely dyslexics in the (N=43) control sample. This study uses three measures and according to the authors of all three measures, no time restraints were necessary:   

A screening questionnaire (Vinegrad, 1994) A measure of Emotional Instability vs. Adjustment (Eysenck and Wilson, 1991) A measure of Introversion vs. Extroversion (Eysenck and Wilson, 1991)

The Screening Measure Vinegrad‘s (1994) measure has extensively been used to screen for dyslexia (British Dyslexia Association, 2007; Dyslexia Action, 2007). From N=20 items, N=679 norm values resulted in mean scores of 12.140 (4.096 SD) for dyslexics and 5.824 (4.637 SD) for nondyslexics, a 6.316 mean difference with a P value of