Drawn Out Death 3rd eEd

Citation preview

Drawn Out Death Novel Translated from Punjabi

Drawn Out Death By

Makhdoom Tipu Salman (Translated from Punjabi)

MTS ePublishing Lahore

1st Punjabi (Shahmukhi) Edition : 2019

Original Punjabi title: Addhi Mot, ਅੱਧੀ ਮੌਤ, ‫ادھﯽ ﻣﻮت‬

Published by Sanjh Publications, Lahore

1st English (ePublished) Edition: 2019 2nd English (ePublished) Edition: 2019 3rd English (ePublished) Edition: 2019

All rights reserved

Table of Contents

1.

Chapter 1-

Right & Left

……

5

2.

Chapter 2 – Nature

……

25

3.

Chapter 3 –

Bank

……

48

4.

Chapter 4 –

WhatsApp

……

70

5.

Chapter 5 –

Disease

.…..

97

6.

Chapter 6 –

Class

…..

120

7.

Chapter 7 –

Whore

…..

143

Then I returned earthside and took flight like

Chapter 1

Right & Left

a sparrow. It was a street of Lahore’s Jauhar Town, lined on either side by rows of

I first looked in from space, like a satellite. No human – and indeed no living thing – is visible from that distance. The world itself looked like a small ball in no way distinguished a m o n g innumerable balls big and small, dark and luminescent.

ten-marla, doublestorey houses. Three or four of the houses had a tree standing guard out-front. One had chairs arrayed on the lawn, in the driveway, and outside the gate – chairs made of shiny metal frames clad in red Rexine. Parked in the

Drawn Out Death

street were a dozen

people’s ears and

cars

noses, hands and feet,

and

a

few

motorcycles. Inside the

arms and legs.

house were a couple of

Women sat on white

dozen people, some

sheets and children ran

standing and some

about. At the center of

sitting in the red chairs.

the scene

was a cot

I assumed the

holding

point of view of

a corpse

the

covered

gecko

clinging to the porch

in a white sheet. It was

ceiling. People arrived

my corpse. And this was

in twos, threes, and

my house – or rather it

fours. Men would stay

used to be while I lived.

outside and women

I circled my body for a

would go inside the

while but soon tired of it

house.

and found a perch on

I entered the house as a

the curtain rail to keep

mosquito – whining and

an

buzzing

proceedings.

around

6

eye

on

the

MTS

I had been dead for

couple of bystanders

four hours now. Death

recognized me and

had come as I rode my

rang up my home. Then

motorcycle along a

I – err my cadaver – was

busy road. I had a flash

carried home.

of something rushing at

It seemed all my

me from the right, and

emotions and feelings

then everything fell to

had died with my

the right. Next, I found

death. I was neither

myself flying like a

angry with the motorist

sparrow. I saw that a

who had crushed me

car had overrun my

against the pavement

motorcycle, and I lay

to death

there on the roadside,

nor felt

my skull torn open

a

against the footpath.

sorrow on seeing myself

There was blood

dead. Nor did I even

everywhere. A crowd

get misty-eyed on

had gathered. As my

seeing my wife and

house was nearby, a

children wailing.

7

n

y

Drawn Out Death

Aimlessly droning like

Born to a clerk, I had

the two or three flies

gone to public school.

buzzing around my

My father had a

body, I got home. My

cauldron of rice cooked

life of a half century was

to feed the poor when I

in front of me. Nothing

matriculated placing in

was obscure, nothing

first division – and

incomplete. I was

several cauldrons when

roaming

about

I passed MA History.

pointlessly, now a

What was the point in

satellite, now a sparrow,

all the revelry? It was

now a mosquito.

not as if I had

I could travel

drunk deep

back in time at will

of the Pierrian Spring. I had

– could even freeze time if I wanted. In fact,

passed the exam by

I had already taken a

learning canned

tour of my time in this

answers from cheap

world, taking in a birds‟

guidebooks by rote.

eye view of my life.

What difference would

8

MTS

it make if I had failed? It

been

was not as if I could

s l i m m e r, a n d t h e

now eat sushi and

relatives would have

summer in the Swiss

been a little less jealous.

Alps. I was still eating

I would still die right here

the same old vegetable

in a motorcycle crash.

ghee parathas with

It would have been

lentil gravy and would

different if my father

n

and his father had been

o

t

somewhat

take

successful in bringing

a day

about Red Revolution

o

f

f

– if they had not been

from work

cowed by batons and

for fear I would

prison terms and

be transferred to a far

h u n g e r. T h a t w o u l d

off station. Things would

have indeed made a

have been scarcely

difference. For then,

different if I had failed.

nobody would eat sushi

At worst, the annual

if I could not, nobody

pay raise would have

9

Drawn Out Death

would have a car if I

Idly floating in the air, I

could not.

had wandered onto the

What a life had been

porch when I heard a

mine! Even wild beasts

stern voice question

have it better. In that

me, “What are you

moment, I could see

doing here?”

only one difference

The question was aimed

between my life and

at me – for all

that of an ox yoked to a

other voices

seed crusher. His burden

sounded as if

was different from mine

coming from

– and that was all. Or

the bottom of a

rather, there was one

deep well. It was

more difference: The ox

then that I noticed two

is kept blinkered by the

small

crusher operator, and I

accompanying every

had

kept

person, one perched on

blinkered all my life by

each shoulder. They

the society.

were small but beautiful

been

beings

humanoids – tiny sprites

10

MTS

of light. I glanced at my

laughed as the comedy

own shoulders and

of the situation caught

found no such being

up with me. “I mean I

there.

am new to this.”

The question had come

“Okay then – ramble

from the sprite sitting

around. Delays do

atop the right shoulder

occur occasionally due

of a twenty-four or

to technical issues.

twenty-five year old

These people cannot

man.

see you – just us, Right

“I have died. My body is

and Left, can,” saying

lying inside,” said I, at a

this, he extended his

loss for anything better

right hand which I

to say.

shook, then also shook

“I see – but why have you not gone Beyond?” asked he. “I don‟t know – this was my first time dying,” I blurted out, and then

11

Drawn Out Death

hands with the sprite

something in it.

perched on the left

“Do you stay with this

shoulder of the same

young man?” I had

young man.

nothing else to do.

“How long does it take

“Yes. We are born along

to go Beyond?” I asked

with the person and go

Right.

Beyond along with

“No idea. Seconds,

them,” he spoke as he

centuries,” he said

continued to write.

uninterestedly, glancing

“What is Beyond?” I

around.

asked.

The young man moved

“We don’t know. Will

on and I floated along.

find out when we go

“Who are you?” I asked

there. We just do our

Right.

duty.” He shut the

“I don’t know,”

register and put it away.

said he, then

I could not say where

conjured a small

he had conjured it from

register and

and where he had put it

started scribbling

away.

12

MTS

The young man strolled

had been lifted, baring

out the gate and lit a

her ankle. Her milk-white

cigarette.

lower leg was indeed a

“He is at it again,” said

remarkable sight. Then,

Left as he conjured his

standing up, she undid

own register and started

her chador to wrap it

writing in it. I saw a

around her body the

young woman dressed

more securely, her full

in light yellow wrapped

breasts lit up the whole

in white chador

scene. This was

disembark a blue car.

what

The young man was

y o u n g

ogling her.

m

I replayed the scene to

Amjad, had

get a better grip on

been gazing at.

what went on. When

I froze time. Left looked

the young woman

at me and put away

stepped out of the car

the register.

and set her right foot on

“What is it you are

the ground, her trousers

doing?” I asked.

13

a

the

n

,

Drawn Out Death

“This is our duty. We

we are doing it. The rest

have

we will find out when

to

record

everything about our

we go Beyond.”

human,” came the

I looked around in

reply, this time from Left.

amazement. Everything

“That I can see, but who

appeared as in a

are you and why are

movie.

you

Nothing seemed real. I

recording

everything?”

looked at myself and

“Ajjo dear,” said Left

saw a sprite of light. The

again, and I had a

hell you find out when

strange feeling to

you die, I thought

hear him say my

to myself.

name. “We know no

The mullah used to

better than you have

say you find out

come to know after

everything once

dying. We found

you die. Reality

ourselves here from

will shine in front

the beginning, and we

of your eyes like the sun.

knew this is our duty, so

In my case things had

14

MTS

g ro w n m u r k i e r t h a n

thought. He had had it

ever. I could neither

all from hearsay, but

make sense of myself

had woven a yarn like a

nor of the world – nor

movie script.

even of the Beyond.

“What has become of

I looked up at the sky –

me,” I thought. “I am

but that was perhaps

neither among dead

beyond me.

A jet-

nor the living.

b l a c k

I am half

void all

d

e

a

d

around with

because now I

n e i t h e r

cannot die –

heaven nor

but half alive

hell in sight. This would

because I still cannot

be the purgatory, I

tell if the mullah told the

thought. But the mullah

truth”. I found myself

painted an altogether

giggling. “Okay, leave

different picture. I was

it. I will know well

not as if he had died

enough when I go

and found out first, I

Beyond.”.

15

Drawn Out Death

“But your job – what is

knew neither history nor

it?” I asked Left.

philosophy. He had

“We have to record the

studied neither literature

good and evil deeds of

nor psychology. He

our human so there can

wove a mythology by

be a reckoning once

interlacing allegories

they are dead,” said

together with material

he.

reality – and embraced

The mullah was not all

this hodgepodge as his

that ignorant after all.

dogma.

He used to say God

I felt the old-timers had called

keeps an eye on

their

conscience God –

everything you d o ,

which is

good

why it was

or evil.

said God is

You can fool people but

closer than the jugular

never God. Sometimes I

vein. Putting your faith

thought the mullah was

in God meant bringing

not very educated. He

your conscience to life

16

MTS

so it could constantly

I let time go by but

goad you. What was

started quizzing the little

God’s reckoning but

sprites in detail how it

that

whoever

was they recorded

committed an evil deed

everything, and also

would never rest easy.

how they divided the

This was all faith was

work between them.

about. I used to think of

They told me

death as a never-

they had

ending sleep. Dark

a clear

emptiness. This was a

division of

rare, fleeting thought

l a b o r :

and I would always

R i g h t

renew my faith every

chronicled

time it occurred to me.

his human’s good

Now it seemed mullah

deeds and Left his evil

was the wise one. For

deeds. They had heard

the first time, I trembled

the reckoning for the

at the thought of

human would be based

reckoning.

on they recorded.

17

Drawn Out Death

Presently my funeral

leaving. Hearing about

procession began. By

my own burial sounded

this time, marquees had

strange. During the

been set up and lights

f u n e r a l p r a y e r, t h e

installed. Mats had

prayer

been

spread

announced my qul –

everywhere and

the Muslim post-funeral

cauldrons of food

prayer and worship

ordered. They

leader

s e s s i o n

w o u l d

followed by

h a v e

a feast –

chicken

was to be held

curry with

between the

l e a v e n e d

afternoon and

f l a t b r e a d ,

evening prayers the

accompanied by raita

next day. My family

and green salad. The

members were already

guests were being

discussing what fruits will

asked to return after the

be offered to the guests

burial and eat before

at the feast.

18

MTS

I glanced over the

food to be served to

funeral procession like a

guests and my funeral

crow. There were plenty

to be a memorable

of people, there were

affair.

cars. I was being sent

Now I could see my

off in style.

wish being granted with

I had always cared for

my half alive eyes. It

a stylish send-off. I had

seemed pointless. Most

wished for there to be

people had shown up

lots and lots of people

just to be counted

and plenty of large cars

because they knew if

at my funeral. I had

they failed to show up,

wished for people to

those in attendance

wail loudly, for

would not fail to ask on

women

subsequent meetings,

to sing

“Didn’t you attend

elegies

Ajjo’s funeral?”

at the onset of the procession. I

The backbiters would had

whisper

wished for excellent

among

themselves, “This person

19

Drawn Out Death

is totally selfish.

attending my

Remember how they

funeral. Would

would not tire singing

it not be better

“ m y b r o t h e r, m y

if they had not

brother” all around Ajjo

come? At least

when he was alive. But

it would have

see, how they have

s a v e d

turned away from him

m

in no time after his

survivors

death – didn’t even attend

y

some expenditure. In

his

any case, those who

funeral.”Many were the

didn’t care for me while

people who had shown

I lived had absolutely no

up willy-nilly to avoid this

business attending my

kind of backbiting and

funeral.

whispering.

Come to think of it, they

I, seeing this outsize

did care about me.

crowed, was wondering

Some cared to ask me

what all these people

questions that irked me.

had achieved by

Some would enquire

20

MTS

after my wellbeing just

could put food on the

to be able to tell

table for you could

everybody, “Hey I

they? They would help

regularly enquire after

with some early hitches:

Ajjo’s wellbeing – go ask

Helping transfer my

him!”

estate to my wife and

Others in my funeral

children, helping

were

release monies held in

genuinely

aggrieved,

among

my bank accounts,

them

legwork for legal formalities, legwork for

relations

processing my pension.

as well as

Not that dying was any

acquaintances. These

easier than living in

people would help my

Lahore. Space for my

wife put her life – gone

grave had come at a

all askew because of

fair expense even

my death – back on

though it was in a

track. But how far would

remote cemetery.

their help go? Nobody

Which was why a

21

Drawn Out Death

motorized hearse

well. They were keen to

waited at the end of

get rid of me for fear my

the lane to carry my

body would rot. They

body. How else could

wanted to see me

they carry my dead

safely under a

body all this distance?

ton of dirt

In less than twelve hours

before

after my death, my

started to stink.

family had gotten rid of

What else could

my body. They cried

they do? Being treated

and wailed but were

as a human is strictly

not prepared to keep

reserved for the lifetime

me with them for

– you deserve it neither

another couple of days.

before you are born nor

Was it because they

after you are dead.

knew I dwelled no more

Before and after life, we

in that sack of bone

are subject to nature‟s

and sinew?

whims, and nature has

No, how could they

no room for decorum.

know it. I knew them

22

I

MTS

When the funeral

how all Lahore’s

reached the graveyard,

graveyards were

I took a kite’s-eye-view

except for the military

of the scene. Perhaps it

cemeteries. Uneven

was my desire to see my

ground, some graves

grave with my own

built of bricks and

eyes. Perhaps I

mortar, others mounds

was curious

of sod, the whole

to see what

place overgrown

kind of a spot

with shrubs and wild

my loving

grasses.

f a m i l y

I saw the grave –

h

a

d

found it dark,

selected for my final

deep, and dank. I resting

had heard grave

place.

was a dreadful place

The grave was ready,

but I did not feel any

but the graveyard was

fear. I could hardly

a veritable jungle.

believe this was my own

Never mind – that was

grave. It felt more like

23

Drawn Out Death

seeing another person’s grave. Nor was it indeed my grave. It was my dead body’s.

24

Chapter 2

until I was called Beyond.

Nature

They had no objection to the arrangement, so I was now the veritable

That night,

Middle between Right

when Amjad

and Left.

went

I had stuck to the

to

middle path all my life. Neither too successful sleep in his

ten-

marla Shadman house along with his parents and siblings, and his Right and Left came out and sat on the ledge, I joined them. I had nothing to do so I had asked to stay with them

nor too much of a failure; neither too affluent nor too poor; neither good to a fault nor a scoundrel. I was a middling figure in whatever I did. Now that I was through with life, I found myself neither fully dead nor

Drawn Out Death

wholly alive but

“Looks good,” said

somewhere in the

Right.

middle.

“I also have here how

They opened up their

he was ogling the

registers as they arrived.

bared calf and breasts

“Ok, Mr. Left. As he rose

of the young woman

in the morning, he

getting out of a car at

brushed his teeth and

Ajjo’s funeral,” said Left,

washed his hands

moving on to the next

before the breakfast. I

page of his register.

have that,” said Right.

“No buddy, that is not

“All right. Then he

on. Our man is

reached the bank late

unmarried. He

and lied to his boss

has been of

saying it was

age for more than a decade

because of a

now. His body

p u n c t u r e d

has needs. Why

motorcycle tire. I

blame him? He never

have that,” said Left.

touches or bothers a

26

MTS

woman. What would

If he can’t restrict

you have him do, die?

himself, if all he can do

Or become a jogi?

is follow blind passion,

“Never touches? Never

would it not be better if

bothers?” Left put his

he has been born a

register aside.

wolf? What is the good

“Look, brother. All I

of him being a man?”

mean is he doesn’t

“You have a point but

harass any woman. Has

you should check

he angered any

about the young woman. If she

woman?” said Right, softening his tone a

was bothered,

bit.

this belongs in

“What do you mean?”

your register even

Left flared up. “How

if he was under

bad must the woman at

the influence of a

the funeral have felt

flood

with him ogling like

testosterone.

that? Is he an animal

But if she doesn’t have

free to follow his whims?

a problem, you should

27

of

Drawn Out Death

let

the

ass. She is always

poor soul

indulging in the evil,

be.”

and

our

prince

“ M a k e s

(gesturing to the

sense!” Left

woman’s Right) is

threw down the towel

always advocating her.

and instantly, another

Says she is nubile but

pair of Right and Left

not being married off,

appeared from thin air.

why don’t they let her

They belonged to the

be.”

woman.

“Precisely my point!”

“No, she wasn’t

said Amjad’s Right.

bothered,” called out

“What are you up to

the woman’s Right.

hassling young people

“Wasn’t bothered?” the

like that? You won’t let

woman’s Left glowered

them cohabit, you

at her Right. “I am

won’t let them marry.

writing her up for

Then you insist they

enjoying his sinful gaze.

mustn’t as much as look

This girl is a pain in the

at or talk to one

28

MTS

another. Would you

said it’s a deadly sin –

rather everybody took

looking at or speaking

to abstention?”

to anybody not closely

The proceedings

related”.

annoyed me no end.

it’s not as if our workings

What were the God’s

are guided by your

appointed chroniclers

mullah’s wishes – we

haggling about? A

follow God’s directions,”

woman in full bloom

Amjad’s

was squandering her

exclaimed.” I had a

beauty like that and

feeling he would have

they were debating

spoken

whether it was virtue or

exasperation if he were

w i c k e d n e s s .

human.

Unbelievable, no?

“Not guided the

“Listen mate,

left

with

“Right and Right, what

mullah’s wishes?” I

are you on about?” I

was shocked. “If

couldn’t

you do not

interjecting.

follow the mullah, the

“The mullah

29

Drawn Out Death

Muslim holy man – does

in keeping track of

it mean you follow the

virtue and wickedness?”

pandit, the Hindu holy

“Hold a second bud.

man?”

Who told you we are

“Not at all,” replied

keeping accounts of

Amjad’s right. “We have

virtue and wickedness?”

no idea if your mullah is

it

right or their pandit. As

woman’s left.

we told you, we will

“What?”

know for certain when

This time I

we go Beyond. Our

w

work is guided by the

utterly

natural order.”

amazed. “What are

“What is that supposed

you doing if not

to mean?” I would have

keeping accounts of

been greatly distressed

virtue and wickedness?”

if I were alive. “Do you

“Listen up, man. The

mean you are guided

accounts of virtue and

by

birds,

wickedness will be

mountains, and oceans

settled once you reach

trees,

30

was

a

the

s

MTS

Beyond. How and by

I was at the end of my

whom, we don‟t have

wits.

an inkling. No do we

“

profess any knowledge

commandments?” Said

of what is piety and

the woman’s Right. “So

what is transgression. All

you think the natural

we do is keep track of

order is based on the

what a person does in

White

line with the natural

commandments?”

order and what they do

“But …,” I was totally at

contrary to it,” Amjad’s

sea by this time.

Right explained to

“But

me.

G

o

d

’

s

Man’s

God’s

commandments

“But we are

are

in

told to

opposition to

spend

the natural

our lives

order,” I made

following

some effort to

G o d ’ s

think of a way to

commandments,”

explain to them they

31

Drawn Out Death

were wrong – following

record what somebody

the natural order was

does in line with God’s

not

natural order in the right

what

God

commanded.

register, and what they

“Look, how you people

do in violation of it in

spend your lives is

the left register.”

entirely up to you,”

“But this arrangement is

Amjad’s left

certain to obliterate

tried to

public morals,” I

wind up

protested. I had a

t

h

e

feeling this accounting by nature would lead to the few good deeds I have done in my life

debate.

being discarded.

“ W e have

“Are you sure? How

t

o

come?” All those tiny

d

o

sprites of light sat facing

d u t y

me and I quailed under

and our duty is to

their collective scrutiny.

our

32

MTS

Bizarre didn’t begin to

things as black and

describe the situation I

white; but confusion

was in. “So this is what

continued to grow.

you go through when

“Look,” I tried to wax

you are dead?” I fell to

philosophical.

contemplation.

“Killing is the nature of

Things

were going

the wolf and killing is all

according

he does, but killing is

quite

evil. How can you put it in the right register?”

contrary to

Nobody spoke. For a

my

moment, I thought they

expectations. I

were convinced, but

had always

then it was clear they

believed all the

were weighing my

confusions plaguing my

sanity. There are no

life would remain only

registers for wolves,”

until I lived – that death

said Amjad’s Right.

would dispel them all,

“Because they do

sifting and cataloguing

33

Drawn Out Death

everything in line with

said in a contemplative

the natural order.”

tone. “See, you humans

I was at a loss as to how

shed blood wholesale,

to respond to this.

and I would love to put

Because I was unable

it in my register.”

to fathom if it agreed

“What!” I was stumped

with my argument or

again. “You do not put

opposed it. “But

human bloodletting in

bloodletting is evil.

the left register?

There should be a

Shedding human blood

register for this,” I held

is

not

e

v

i

l

forth,

according

b u t

to you?”

then fell

“Oh

no

to wondering if

bud. I am not talking

I had said the right

about human blood,”

thing.

said

“We have debated the

woman’s

matter to death,” the

Left, as if laughing.

young woman’s Left

34

the

young

MTS

“Not talking about

my head around the

human blood?” I was

argument again. “All

baffled. “What are you

right then. If a wolf kills a

talking about then?”

man, it is in line with the

“We are talking about

natural order. But if a

animal blood”. I was so

man kills a chicken for food, you would

bewildered by this

rather put it in

time I lost track

the

of

left

who was

register?” I

talking. “All

yelled.

the animals

For a brief

that

you

while, there

h u m a n s

was silence. I felt

slaughter and gobble

they were wondering

up.”

what an ignoramus I

“Animals? You mean

was. Finally, the young

the chicken, egg, etc.,

woman’s Left spoke up.

that the children eat?” I

“It’s not a chicken". You

was struggling to wrap

consume two-hundred-

35

Drawn Out Death

million kilograms of

they would eat one

chicken meat every

t h i n g o r a n o t h e r. I

livelong day. That

mustered my courage.

means

are

“The human population

slaughtering more than

is huge. Is it any wonder

fifty-million chicken a

they eat so much?”

day.”

All four sprites heaved a

Two-hundred-million

deep breath in unison,

kilograms, net, of

then Amjad’s Left

chicken meat every

spoke. “This population

day? Fifty million

thing is another of your

chicken a day? I fell

spectacles. I say any

silent. I was unable to

man or woman having

articulate my thoughts

more than two children

but

should

you

remained

unconvinced. God’s

have it put in their left

vast kingdom was

register.”

peopled by a great

“Having many children

multitude of humans

is wickedness – to be

and it was inevitable

put in

36

MTS

t h e l e f t re g i s t e r ? ” I

human population has

remembered the

quadrupled over the

mullah again. “It is not

last century while the

as if we make babies as

numbers for lions have

we please. A baby is

shrunk by twenty-five to

born by God’s will

one.

alone.”

That is pretty much how

The interlude of silence

all animals have fared,

was long this time but I

excepting the species

did not delude myself

you raise for food. This is

with

the

thought they were convinced. “Not sure t h o u g h whose will babies are bloodshed.”

bor n,” said Amjad’s Left. “All we know is the

37

Drawn Out Death

This reminded me of a

we raised animals for

White professor who

food was cruel, but I

had visited our school

had ignored him. How

and who had said other

was I to know that these

species dwindled as

matters would be

human population

recorded?

grew. That this was

I was finding this

unprecedented

conversation deeply

through millennia, and

disturbing and wanted t o

that

end

this was

it. It

cruelty to the

m

planet.

the accounting Beyond

I had paid no attention

work when God’s

to what he said at the

notaries were clueless

time. Little did I know

as to how to categorize

this stuff could go in the

these matters?

right or left register. He

“So how do you decide

had also said the way

what to record where or

38

occurred to e

how could

MTS

if to record it at all?” I

we will know how much

could not help asking.

good or evil deeds you

“These things are settled

have scored once we

at audit time,” one

are Beyond. For now,

replied.

we are registering

“Audit?”

everything based on

my

amazement had no

our understanding.”

end. “When is the audit

Now this life after death was

conducted

even

and

stranger

b y

than life itself. It

who?” “We

have

had confounded me to

a

the point where I knew

generational audit

not what to do. I

every hundred years,” it

returned to the previous

was one of the Rights.

topic just to change the

“Beyond. Then we know

subject. “So what are

what to put where for

you doing about

this generation. Even

Amjad’s girl?”

39

Drawn Out Death

“I am firmly of the view

She isn’t seeing any

she

be

man, doesn’t indulge in

reformed. You always

depravity. What the

find her making eyes at

poor soul has done at

some man,” said the

most is flash her curves

young woman’s

a bit while wrapping her

Left.

chador around her

“Making eyes is all – she

body for all of twelve

never goes beyond it,”

seconds. How has this

said her Right. “She is

threatened the natural

more

cannot

order?”

than

twenty-five

“Okay,

years old

let us b e a r

and still

with her

unmarried. She is coquettish. Not every

coquetry at the

woman is like that. Most

funeral,” said her Left.

are naturally demure

“We’ll let her off the

but she is not. That

hook,” and he put

doesn’t mean she is evil.

away the register.

40

MTS

“What do we do about

“But even though it was

Amjad,” said his

the young woman who

Left.

bared, how was he

“There is precious little

obliged to see?” said

we can do about him.

Amjad’s Left. “What

We will let him be. It was

compulsion did he have to ogle?”

the young woman who

“ T h i s

bared her calf

m a k e s

a

n

sense. This is

d

what

unwrapped

the

r

mullah used

c h a d o r.

to say. It is

When she is

f i r s t

being let off

binding upon

the hook,

women to

what can we

cover their

h

e

book him for?” said

bodies. But if some

Amjad’s Right.

woman transgresses, her men must restrain

41

Drawn Out Death

her, and other men

whenever a man and

must keep their gaze

woman feel mutually

lowered.”

attracted, they

“Bud, you keep

might as well

your mullah out

mate then and

of this,” said the

t h e re , ” I w a s

young woman’s

consumed by anger.

Right. “We go by nature, not by the

“What do you

mullah”.

think,” said Amjad’s

“There is no point in

Right after a while.

reopening the debate

“Animals, mountains

from the standpoint of

etc., are nature, and

nature. Going by

human are not?” I had

biology, they are bound

never framed it like this.

to

mutual

“Right, so the human

attraction, and they will

kind is also part of

both show and gaze. So

nature?” I asked meekly

what are you debating

– because I was having

here? Going by nature,

problem

have

42

seeing

MTS

humanity as integral to

human thought being

nature. To me, nature

part

indeed comprised trees,

t h o r o u g h l y

animals, the earth,

flabbergasted me.

of

oceans, etc. “Not

nature

“Thought is

just

nature?”

human body – the

said

I,

human mind and

disconcerted. “How do

thought are also

you mean? Thought

nature,” the young

belongs to the human

woman’s

kind. How can it be

Left

enlightened me.

nature?”

I was taking it lying

“You tend to think what

down up until humanity

humans create cannot

being integral to nature

be natural. You see

because the idea was

yourselves like small

new to me and I was

gods. Whatever you

finding it difficult to

dream up or create

stomach – so what

belongs to you and not

could I say? Now

to nature – as if you

43

Drawn Out Death

were apart from

“But nature cannot

nature”.

change anything at will.

I completely lost my

We c a n m o u l d o u r

bearings. The discussion

thought however we

was getting beyond

wish,” I came with a

me. I held my peace.

point at length.

Others too kept their

“Rivers are nature. You

silence. We all sat still in

change their courses,

that silence. Then I

build dams to stop their

remembered I had

flow. Mountains are

died. There was no

nature. You cut through

hurry, nor the egoistic

them to build roads. You

drive to be right on

cut down whole forests,

every occasion. I sat

plant new jungles. Just

there thinking at a

as plants cannot walk

leisurely pace and

b

stayed at it for quite a

animals

while. How could

are a level

human thought be part

higher than

of the natural order?

trees and

44

u

t

MTS

can walk,” the young woman’s

The

Right

idea

of

reckoning for

explained to me.

thought paralyzed

“Likewise, animals

me. What were

cannot change their

these sprites up

thoughts at will,

to, ragging

cannot control

me like this?

their needs and

How could there

passions, but you

be reckoning for

humans are at a

thought? The

level higher than

S a t a n

animals and can

implanted

do all these things. How

thoughts in a human

you do it is up to you.

being’s mind. It is the

When to think, when to

duty of the human to

restrain your passions, it

stifle thoughts and hold

is all within the power of

fast to their faith.

a human being. And for

Hadn’t the mullah

that,

explained everything

there

is

reckoning.”

about faith in ample

45

Drawn Out Death

detail? The worldly

thought?” at length I

existence was all about

ventured timidly. “But

deeds. Good deeds

the mullah used to say

Here would lead to

things to be reckoned

good consequences

are settled forever, like

Beyond.

lowering your gaze on

T

seeing a woman not

h

e

w h o l e

closely related to you.”

business

“Dear Ajjo,” I could not

of how to

say which it was of the

think and

sprites that spoke.

what to

“Nature has everlasting

think was the

principles,

not

satanic lore of White

standards.

If

apostates I had

circumstances change,

protected my faith from

everything inevitably

my whole life. My head

changes accordingly.

started spinning.

Including standards. This

“There is reckoning for

is the natural course of

how you exercise

things. If you change

46

MTS

the standards without

of honor should

changing

change?”

the

circumstances, it would

They said nothing. The

be deviance. Likewise, if

silence was broken at

you do not change

last by the muezzin’s

standards after the

call for the morning

circumstances have

prayer.

changed, it would be deviance.” “You mean honor is a principle but its prevalent standards will decide what honor should mean,” I said, and continued almost involuntarily, “And in view of the prevailing circumstances, the centuries old standards

47

would be called a head Chapter 3

Bank

clerk. Amjad’s desk was by the entrance. A small table with two chairs across his. This was his

It was a vast hall with two small wood-andglass cabins built at one end, one for the records and the other for the m a n a g e r. T h i s w a s Amjad’s bank. No, he didn’t own it – he worked here. A minor officer. Because it was a private bank, he was called an officer so he would feel good. In a government office, he

office, open on all sides, well-lit and airy. Near his chair sat a planter that had a silver vine propped up by a stick – just so it would make

a

good

impression – not necessarily on him but on his customers. The bank’s customers that is.

MTS

It was his duty to talk

month, his personal file

people into opening up

would be marked with

their accounts with the

a red stroke. A red

bank, almost arm-

stroke

twisting them into

consecutive months

having their

could very well kill his

for

two

and

job. Which was why he

c r e d i t

was constantly alert like

c a r d s

a p r e d a t o r, a l w a y s

made,

looking for his prey.

AT M

a n d

This month, he had achieved his target in

prevailing

the first two weeks and

upon them to take out

was therefore chilling. If

loans from the bank.

a prey walked into his

His performance was

den and was taken

audited every month. If

down, fine. If not, what

he had not been able

the hell.

to open enough bank

I now discovered my

accounts in a given

ability to read people’s

49

Drawn Out Death

thoughts and feelings.

but on and on he must

Of living people. I first

go. Who hires a

knew it when Amjad’s

graduate of a little-

father woke him up with

known university? And

a volley of expletives,

what do they even

saying, “Up, you son of

teach you? They neither

a jackass, and go to

teach you nor

work. You are late every

train you in

d a y . Yo u ’ d e n d u p

anything.

being sacked.”

Money minting

Amjad started mocking

factories. Nor

his father in his heart.

is there anybody

“You’d end up being

to

sacked", as if he has

them.”

helped me into the job.

By the time

Couldn’t afford me a

he got to

foreign education.

the reference that had

Foreign? Not enough

landed him the job, he

money for a good

was in the bathroom.

domestic university –

“Are there any jobs to

50

oversee

MTS

be had without a

a thousand queuing up for the same position – including many better qualified and many better bootlicks than I.”

reference?

By the time he was

Hah! ‟You’d end up

ready, his father had

being sacked”. Look at

already left. His mother

my guardian angel. I

served him a pratha

landed the job on my

fried

own and I will hold it

vegetable ghee sold in

down on my own.

plastic bags with a

Licking the manger’s

serving of yogurt.

boots all the time like a

Slurping tea with every

lapdog, always afraid

mouthful, he saw his

he would kick me out at

mother do the dishes.

the first opportunity.

She knew he detested

What job is a private job

his father’s periodic

– it is slavery. If they kick

lectures.

me out, they would find

51

in

cheap

Drawn Out Death

While she could do

ranting about how his

precious little to stop her

father had done

husband, she now

nothing for him.

offered herself as a

All the while, her Right

lightening-rod for her

kept writing in her

son’s pent-up anger.

register.

“Son, you should rise

Like every mor ning,

early. It is always good

Amjad arrived for work

to arrive for work ahead

at half past eight. While

of time.”

he hated his father’s

This was the opportunity

lecturing, he inwardly

Amjad needed. “Oh

agreed with the drift of

Mother, don’t you

it.

start now. Father

What Amjad didn’t

has already done

know was that his father

plenty to clear my

was angry not with his

head.”

She

son but

remained insistent,

with

“No, son, your father is

h i s

right.” Amjad kept

o w n

52

MTS

helplessness. He knew

Which is why the peon

full well his son had the

would dust his seat last

existence of an orphan.

of all – and sometimes

In today’s

not at all. Amjad was

world,

therefore used to

a

young man whose

cleaning up after

father could neither

himself, not least

buy him expensive

because he knew

education nor

his own rank in the

arrange

a

pecking order.

reference to land

As he settled in his

him a job was an

seat, he turned to

orphan.

Facebook on his cell

Upon arrival, Amjad

phone, responding to

took a rag out of a

posts in his feed now

drawer and dusted his

with a like, now with a

table and chairs. While

love or anger emoji,

he was an officer to the

now with a comment.

customers,

his

At about nine, he put

colleagues knew better.

away the cell phone

53

Drawn Out Death

and started glancing

subject to a monthly

through various files

audit. He too had to

aimlessly. When the

meet his targets on the

bank manager arrived,

pain of a red stroke on

he stood up to greet

his personal file – a red

him. Once through with

stroke drawn by his

this tricky part of his

superiors.

mor ning routine, he

With this at the back of

eased down.

his mind, he was

The small room behind

crunching all the

the thin wood and glass

relevant numbers for

wall in which the

the moth: accounts

manager sat drew my

opened,

attention. I tried to read

a

the manager’s thoughts

credit

just to test my newfound

c a r d s

power. He was taking

issued,

stock of this month’s

interest due,

per formance of his

and so forth.

branch. He too was

“Poor soul!” I

54

n

debit

d

MTS

exclaimed. Although I

also the sprites, who

did not speak, my train

could in turn read me.

of thought continued,

“But …,” I checked

“Such a good man

myself saying the mullah

having to sully his hands

said so and so but

in usurious business! All

realized it did not

his good deeds must

make a difference

be outweighed.”

either

way

“No, the bank’s

because they

interest based

could read

business does not

me. “But dealing

go to his left

in

usury

is

register. He

wickedness,” I

is

could not

an

u p r i g h t

man,”

help saying.

said Amjad’s Left. I

“Stop bringing up

looked at him in

wickedness

amazement as I

goodness like that will

realized I could read

you,” said Amjad’s Left.

not only humans but

“We are not concerned

55

and

Drawn Out Death

with anything beyond

wrought destruction

the natural order. How

through usury.

the reckoning Beyond

“There are innumerable

will be, we have no

ways of exploitation.

idea. But

The powerful can easily

interest

exploit the weak. The

b a s e d

rich can exploit the

business

poor and the clever

does not

can exploit the gullible.

belong to

If a rich man is intent

the

left

upon it, usury is indeed

register the way you

a way to exploit the

think it should”.

poor

“Oh, but usury is the rich

downtrodden,” said

man’s tool to fleece the

Left.

poor”. I did not know

I was beginning to

much about economy,

overcome

but having studied

tendencies of the days

history, I had read

when I was yet alive – I

about how the Jews

was beginning to listen

56

and

my

MTS

patiently and try to

“Of course I will,” I was

grasp and consider

starting to sense where

what was being said.

he was going with it.

“But whoever borrows

“Why would you let

on interest is inevitably

somebody use your

ruined. What else is

house like

interest

that rent

if

not

exploitation?” said I.

f r e e ?

“Interest is rent,” came

Likewise,

the curt reply from

w

Right.

s h o u l d

“Rent?” I was clueless.

you not

“If you were to give

charge rent if you give

your

your

house

to

h

y

money

to

somebody to live in,

somebody to use?

would you not charge

W h a t i s w ro n g w i t h

them rent?” asked

this?” Right concluded.

Right.

“But a house is property – immovable property,”

57

Drawn Out Death

I was not about to give

“That sounds about

in.

right, ”I could almost grasp it. “But

“What is the

compound i n t e r e s t cannot be right, no?” I a l m o s t begged, but

difference?

they were not

Yo u g i v e t h e

about to listen to me.

house for its utility – and

“Compound interest

you charge rent for that

comes into play when

utility. Once the

interest due goes

tenancy concludes -

unpaid. For example,

you get back the house

what would you do if

– in one piece,” Right

your tenant fails to pay

had me struggling

a month’s rent? A

again.

whole year’s rent? When you are finally

58

MTS

paid rent a whole year

again. “The interest rate

later, would you expect

can be exorbitant,

just

or

making the repayment

something above the

all but impossible. A

rent as well?”

borrower pressed for

“Yes, I would expect

money will agree to

something over and

practically any rate. In

above. He has utilized

this way, interest will

my money for a whole

become a very efficient

y e a r. ” I w a s f u l l y

rip-off tool.”

disarmed now.

“See!” I beamed. “Did I

“Compound interest is

not say interest is bad?”

just like that, ”Right

“No,” Left spoke this

pressed the point home.

time. “It is

“Hmph,” I yielded

neither

somewhat gloomily.

good

“But this does not mean

n o r

interest is all good,” Left

bad –

spoke up, and I felt my

it can be

passion welling up

has its uses and it has its

the

rent

59

either. It

Drawn Out Death

abuses. If the interest

“What a conundrum,” I

rate is reasonable and

thought. “This world is

the loan is not being

beyond me”.

offered to relieve the

I diverted my attention

borrower off his

back to Amjad. He was

belongings but to allow

sitting with a colleague,

him the utility of the

a sheaf of files in front

money involved, it will

of each just so they

go to the lender’s

could pretend to

right register. If the

be working if the

interest rate has

m a n a g e r

been set too high

chanced their

to take advantage

way. Amjad had come

of the borrower’s

to the colleague

situation, it will go to the

because his seat was

lender’s left register.

close to the manager’s

Virtue or wickedness

room and half the

comes not from things

window

but how you use them,

overlooked this side was

Ajjo dear”.

walled so the manger

60

that

MTS

could not see them

major account holder?”

while he sat in his chair.

“Man, he thoroughly

He would have to rise

insulted me first thing

and take two steps

this morning,” the

towards the window to

colleague pressed on

be able to see them.

with his own grievance.

This was the bank’s

“As if we are slaves to

safest table.

this swine”.

“Hasn’t the manger

“Easy, man,” said

become too much of a

Amjad to mollify him.

scoundrel these days?”

“They are drunk with ill-

the

gotten wealth. They will

colleague

remarked to Amjad.

get their comeuppance

“When was he not,”

Beyond”.

Amjad whispered back

“They are not going

to him. “Didn’t you see

Beyond,” it seemed the

how rude he was to me

colleague

last week at the behest

received a thorough

of that bulldog-faced

thumping. “We will go

pimp of a

Beyond. This lot will

61

had

Drawn Out Death

a b i d e h e r e f o re v e r,

“Of things based on

making merry”.

tangible aspects of the

He was set to go on but

natural order, we can

Amjad was called to

sift

attend to a customer

wickedness – but when

and he trotted off.

it comes to human

I looked to the Left. He

b e h a v i o u r, w e a r e

was not about to write

sometimes unable to

anything.

decide this way or that.

“Don’t you tell me now

We leave

backbiting is also

s u c h

natural,” I could not

matters

keep my mouth shut.

to the

virtue

from

audit

“This is beyond us,” said

Beyond.”

Amjad’s Left.

I found

“Beyond you?” I was

the “tangible aspects of

flabbergasted. “How do

the natural order in

you mean?”

natural order” bit elusive.

62

MTS

“What do you mean?” I

explode? What else is

enquired.

there to do?”

“Backbiting is evil. What

“This is exactly what is

rocket science do you

happening,” said Left.

need to see that?”

“The poor are sealed in a pressure cooker,

“Backbiting is indeed

simmering and

evil,” said Right. “But

exploding to

if somebody has

smithereens.

the existence of a

This backbiting is

bushel of potatoes sealed

in

like

a

the

pressure cooker

simmering pressure

letting off the

cooker, what should they do?”

steam.”

“What should they do?”

As I looked at Right, the

I was not sure I got it but

scene changed.

I didn’t want to drop

The manager stood in

the ball. “They should

the lobby of a five-star

simmer on – or else

hotel, poised like a runner waiting on the

63

Drawn Out Death

pistol shot to spring off

the manger, taking a

the block. He stood

slight bow. “Actually the

there for a half hour,

bank has a policy to

checking his phone

socialize with our major

every now and then but

customers. It is kind of

not daring to call.

you to accept my

Finally, the person he

invitation to dinner. My

was waiting for arrived.

regional manager often

The manager sprang

enquires after you.”

into action. “Welcome

“Asghar is the regional

sir, right this way, I have

manager, right?” said

a table reserved.”

the customer as he sat

“I had to come on your

on the table.

urging,” said the comer

“ Ye s , y e s s i r, ” t h e

as he looked all around.

manager bent low

“Had to leave an

again. “He tells me you

important meeting”.

were schoolmates”.

“Thank you

The customer did not

very much

answer, absorbed in the

s i r, ” s a i d

menu picking what to

64

MTS

order. The manger, who

reverently. “You are

sat on the edge of the

exactly right.”

chair like a bird

T

perched on a parapet,

engaged in

quickly motioned the

small talk

waiter. After ordering

for

food, the customer took

while.

off his eyeglasses and

Then the

put them on the table.

customer came to the

“Yes, we were in the

point.

same school although

“My son has returned

in different classes – but

from abroad after

our friendship was

studying Marketing. I

renewed when we met

would like to see if he

after all these years. You

can get a job at your

can trust old friends to

bank,” he spoke, a glass

stick up for one

of water in hand.

another.”

“ Ye s s i r, ” s a i d t h e

“Yes, said

the

yes

sir,”

h

e

y

a

manger, troubled at the

manager

prospect. He was

65

Drawn Out Death

holding on to his own

objection and promptly

job by the skin of his

send the case on its

teeth. How was he to

way. Otherwise, the

get the customer’s son

matter is settled.”

a job?

The manger breathed a

The customer sensed his

sigh of relief. “Yes, yes sir,

quandary. “My son

don‟t you worry sir. I will

graduated from a top

forward the case with a

US university – and I

s

h

a

v

e

t

r

o

n

g

recommendation.”

already

When they were

talked

done eating, the

to

the

manager escorted

r e g i o n a l

the customer to his

manager. He will

car, closed the car door

endorse my son’s

after him, and stood

application

for

there waiting until after

employment. I am

his car had gone out

letting you in on it just so

the hotel gate.

you will have no

66

MTS

I took a peep into the

The manager’s father

manager’s mind. Twice

had been a doctor at a

over the last ten

public hospital. He had

months, he had missed

sent his son to good

the monthly target and

university, but had been

his file was about to be

unable to afford a

marked with a red

foreign qualification. His

stroke. Panicked, he

was a middle class

had requested this

family, caught in

customer for help on

a middle class

each occasion, and he

s e t .

had

Nobody

obliged

by

transferring deposits

in his social

from elsewhere to his

circle had

branch. This customer

enough funds to

was the manager’s

deposit in his branch

guardian angel with

and save his job. He

whose blessing the he

was indebted to this

was able to hold down

customer.

his job.

67

Drawn Out Death

He returned to the table

hands before and after

and gestured to the

a meal.

waiter for the bill. On his

The restroom was

way out after paying

empty. He stood there

the bill, a restroom sign

in front of the mirror

caught his eye and he

after washing his hands

stepped in to wash his

and looked at his face.

hands. Not that his

Tears welled up in his

hands were stained with

eyes – tears he could

food

the

not allow himself to

question of

shed. Images of the

touching

unseen son of the

did not arise in

customer danced in his

a five-star environment

head. A fair, handsome

teeming with cutlery. It

lad rocking branded

was a childhood habit

clothes, driving a brand

cultivated by his

n e w c a r. G i v e n t o

mother, who would insist

mixing up with the

he always wash his

scions of the high and

food

–

mighty. Had a foreign

68

MTS

qualification, came

The scene changed. I

from a well off family –

was back in the bank.

his job was money in

Left had me skewered

the bank. He would

with a deep stare. His

have major deposits at

eyes were askance.

his beck and call. Within

“Shall I show you what is

two years, he would be

going on inside Amjad’s

the manager’s boss. He

head – the contents of

had already seen this

his pressure cooker?”

happen thrice over his sixteen year career. I couldn’t say what it was that filled the manager’s mind – bitter ness, anger, or pain. I think it was a mixture of all three – simmering in a sealed pressure cooker.

69

Chapter 4

was looking at his

WhatsApp

Facebook feed. Most of the posts were jokes and he was having a hard time keeping

Amjad was at his seat at

the

bank.

Customers

himself from giggling. Every now and then, he came

came and

across lewd

went but it

picture of a

was

not

woman or

o

a religious

t

o

crowded. Amjad did not

post.

He

would take his

have any customer

time inspecting the

with him. He was sitting

pictures but would

over four files so

quickly like the religious

everybody including his

post and pass on – as

manager would think

though he feared being

he was quite busy. He

held for blasphemy for

MTS

studying religious posts

150-kilogram hero

while looking at lewd

brandishing a gandasa.

pictures.

She caressed her

Presently a WhatsApp

breasts and rubbed her

notification chimed in.

lower belly as she

He instantly switched

blared the Punjabi lyrics,

from Facebook to

“I ate fish, I put myself in

WhatsApp.

a tight spot”.

The

lewdness that arrived

H e view ed t he cl ip

through WhatsApp was

several times –firstly

the real deal. Facebook

because it was so lewd,

stuff was demure in

and secondly because

comparison. Sure

it had come from

enough, it was a

his friend Kiran.

lewd video. A

In response,

twenty-second

he sent just

clip in which a

a

95kilogram

emoticon

n

heroine sang and

expressing extreme

gamboled all around a

amazement.

71

Drawn Out Death

He always responded to

multiple fabricated

Kiran’s lewd messages

cases. Kiran could send

with emoticons. He

him lewd messages

wanted to send a few

because she came

lewd sentences in

from a powerful family,

response to this one, but

but Amjad could not.

he knew he could never

Because when the rich

send such messages to

engage in this kind of

Kiran. Kiran, who was

behavior, it is for fun

her

but a lewd message

college

mate, was the

from a poor

daughter of a

man would

well heeled

be

and well-connected

seen

reflecting criminal

f a t h e r. I f s h e t o o k

intent.

offense

and

Another message

complained to her

arrived, also from Kiran.

father, Amjad would not

A lewd picture. It was a

only lose his job but also

poster for a Pakistani

face prison ter m in

horror movie from the

72

MTS

sixties or seventies.

perfect command of

The movie

English. Whenever he

was titled

made a mistake, Kiran

L i v i n g

would mock and taunt

Corpse,

him no end.

and the

Not that she spoke

p o s t e r

per fect English – he

showed a

knew his former college

woman with

mate well enough. But

her breasts bared.

she came from a higher

He giggled silently and

social station and had

sent emoticons in

picked up a few words,

response.

phrases, and sentences

“What are you up to?”

of everyday idiomatic

Kiran’s message arrived.

English, which she

“Work. Bank.” He never

would flaunt all the

used

time.

complete

sentences chatting with

If Amjad made a

Kiran for fear of

mistake, she would

exposing his less than

mock him for days on

73

Drawn Out Death

e n d . I f K i r a n e r re d ,

Ever been to the

Amjad would say

States?”

nothing. For one thing,

Ever since, Amjad had

he would not dare

never tried to correct

taunt a daughter of the

her errors or defend his

upper crust; for another,

own usage. The solution

he was never sure if an

he had found was to

error was indeed an

make do with as little

error.

English as possible when

In the beginning, when

talking to her over

he tried to correct her

WhatsApp. She found it

English on one or two

funny

occasions, a

when

he

responded to

supremely

her English-

confident

language

Kiran casually

messages in

gestured with her

Urdu – and

hand as if swatting a fly.

resorting to using

“That’s how the English

Punjabi would be

use it. Don’t you know?

tantamount to inviting

74

MTS

mockery. The final

message from Kiran

solution for Amjad, then,

gave Amjad the shivers.

was to speak English but

They had gone out

use

twice or thrice before. A

words

not

sentences.

scene started to play in

“Humph, work. Don’t I

his head. He is driving a

know how hardworking

bike and she, rocking a

you are,” she said, and

pair of jeans and t-shirt,

sent an angry emoticon

is riding pillion, her body

to boot. There was no

tightly clinging to his,

emoticon for bashful

her chestnut hair

laugher in the app, so

fluttering in the air.

Amjad sent a laughing

Presently she started

face.

caressing his chest and

“I have to buy a new

belly – and I sensed

phone. You have a

something was amiss. A

Saturday off tomorrow.

little effort made it clear: It was

Take me to shop for

not a local

it.”

or Chinese

This

75

Drawn Out Death

bike of the kind

after a fair amount of

common in these parts

exertion; he was so

– it was an American

drunk

muscle bike. Amjad was

daydream he was not

donning a fur jacket of

letting reality enter his

the kind seen on

head. The peek I was

American action

able to take was quite

heroes. The road was

adequate for me to

deserted – it was just

take in the reality. The

them gliding along. It

reality was no different

was all a reverie – a

from the reality of our

figment

his

society. She sat

imagination, and man,

sidesaddle, clad in a

was it delicious! He

typical Pakistani shalwar

almost had me hooked.

suit, demurely wrapped

I tried to sneak a look at

in a scarf. There was no

of

with

the

the reality of his

clinging, no

memories – and

chestnut

a peek was all I

h

a

i

r

fluttering, no

could manage

76

MTS

nothing. It was a rather

her up from there once

desi affair. But Amjad’s

before.

daydreaming went on

The rendezvous was

and on.

settled, but the lustful

“Yes, I have a day off

reverie born of it had

tomorrow. What time

set Amjad’s whole

would you go?” Amjad

being on fire – a fire

would rather be done

that threatened to

with

everything

consume him. He felt as

and set off

if it had made him

for her

forget everything at the

place right

bank – the tasks

away.

completed and to be

Time and place to pick

completed. His head

her up was settled. She

was full of images.

would

Images

be

at

a

of

nude

girlfriend’s place.

women, among whom

Amjad knew where it

was Kiran – along with

was – he had picked

women

77

from

his

Drawn Out Death

neighborhood and

break

women in the movies.

Everybody was busy.

He

not

Amjad double-checked

masturbated for two

to be sure the volume

days. An epic arousal

on his phone was

now threatened to burst

turned off, and started

him open. He looked

watching pornographic

had

around. There was

began.

video clips.

never a lunch

He had

break at the bank

been at

but it was a Friday

it for all

and the Friday

of twenty

prayer break was

seconds

approaching. Every

before he felt it was too

member

the

much, and closed the

workforce was eager to

video app. He was

quickly sort out the

afraid if somebody

customer at hand with

called him away from

a view to eating their

his seat, he would not

lunch before the prayer

be able to stand up

of

78

MTS

without showing his

reporting boss and left to eat at a nearby lunchroom.

erection.

When he returned after

If it was

lunch, the going was

w i n t e r, h e

slow. The prayer break

could pull his

was over but there were

coat or jersey

hardly any customers.

downwards to

This was the normal

hide the bulge.

state of affairs on a

It took him several

Friday after the prayer

minutes of herculean

break.

mental effort to get

He returned to his table,

things under control. He

fiddled with the files.

sat there idly for a while,

Rang up a couple

but he had become

customers to nag them

weary of the place. The

about their promise to

prayer break had

refer their relatives to

arrived. He asked

open up accounts with

permission of his

his bank. A couple

79

Drawn Out Death

others he telephoned to

cases. Parvin was the

confirm if their debit or

supervisor of credit

credit cards had been

cards, so this was a

delivered.

valid excuse for him to

He had not been

go talk to her –

particularly keen on

although there was no

work since morning, but

issue with the cases. He

after settling the

would use this ruse

rendezvous with Kiran,

whenever he

he had completely lost

felt

i n t e r e s t . Wa t c h i n g

chatting her up. I

pornography on the

was amazed how I

phone was a risk he did

could read people’s

not want to take right

minds like watching a

now, but boredom was

movie.

eating at him.

Parvin was senior to

At the back of the hall

Amjad, so she had

sat Parvin. He had

been assigned a

initiated processing of a

computer. She was also

couple credit card

idling, pecking at the

80

like

MTS

keyboard aimlessly to

imposing – although

look busy. Dressed in a

Amjad did impose now

deep green shalwar

and then, as he was

suit, demurely covered

about to now.

in a black chador head

“I have initiated these

and all, wearing a

credit card cases. Will

light makeup. She

you take a look to see if

was around thirty-

I have done anything

five, an MBA

wrong?” He settled in

who had been

the chair opposite her.

in the employ

“Let us see,” Parvin

of the bank

shoved the mouse

for three

aside without switching

years. She

off the screen, and took

smiled faintly to

the files from Amjad. He

see Amjad approach.

started to eye up her

She was the coy type, a

upper body visible

woman of few words.

above the tabletop. Her

She had never made

chador covered her

Amjad feel he was

head and bust, but he

81

Drawn Out Death

could still

h

i

m

make out her breasts

objected,

– they were

he could

huge.

always defend both his

“I have to buy a chador

honor and job by

for my mother. Your

holding forth on how

chador is so beautiful”.

everybody’s mothers

What he meant to say

and sisters deserved

was Parvin was killing it.

respect equally.

Parvin was no dupe to miss

his

“All right,” Parvin smiled

veiled

as she righted her

compliment.

chador. She righted it

Amjad was always

by pulling its top edge

careful to mention his

to her forehead, but the

mother or sister

part covering her bust

whenever teasing

opened up. She was

Parvin. This way, if she

bent over the file

went off handle or

before. Now she sat up,

somebody overhearing

leaning against the 82

MTS

chair’s back, her breasts

over his eyes. The

jutting forward through

fantasies involving Kiran

the opening of

and

t h e c h a d o r.

pornographic

Framed by her

video clips had

black chador

together done

and

the

deep

him up. His eyes

green shirt,

clung to Parvin’s

Parvin’s comely

breasts.

face, neck and

“The green of

c l e a v a g e

your shirt is so

glistened like

char ming. My

the moon. Amjad

sister too looks had

good dressed in

always been

this color.” His

careful to eye her

eyes now fondled her

furtively, for if she took

breasts, now smacked

offense, his job would

her lips. I was sure plenty

be on the line. But right

of material would be

now he had no power

added to Amjad’s left

83

Drawn Out Death

register. Then I noticed

to camouflage the

Amjad was not saying

intent

anything and he had

conversation from

fixed his gaze on Parvin.

anybody overhearing,

When I looked towards

not from

of

the

Parvin, I found her

Parvin. They could not

immersed in the

talk much for fear of

files,

not

arousing suspicions.

looking at

Somebody would

Amjad at

inevitably overhear

all. I

something as there t

were several colleagues

occurred

sitting nearby.

to me Parvin had not

The meeting continued

righted her chador

for about ten minutes,

rafter

Amjad’s

after which Amjad left. I

compliments. I started

should have expected

to get the drift of it.

this, because the longer

Amjad used references

they stayed together,

to his mother and sister

the more likely they

84

MTS

were

to

attract

TOUCH WHITE. A ten-

attention in this hall

marla house. Parvin’s

brimful with people.

mother does her hair in

Parvin was a mature,

a tight braid in the

educated desi woman.

morning before school.

Her lose-fitting clothes,

Her father goes to his

the chador, and her

shop on a motorbike,

c

but otherwise they are

o

y

quite well off.

demeanour w o u l d

T O U C H

suggest she

W H I T E .

was the very

P a r v i n

embodiment of

wears a burqa

eastern values. What

to college. Her father

I just saw, however,

drops her in the

did not go along

morning, while she

with that image. I

returns by bus on her

peered into her

own.

mind.

TOUCH WHITE. She is married off to a cousin –

85

Drawn Out Death

a son of her father’s

TOUCH WHITE. Her

sister.

father asks her to find a

TOUCH WHITE. It is three

job. He never mentions

years

her

it to Parvin but people

marriage and she

keep enquiring him how

already has two

his daughter and

since

grandchildren

children.

are doing.

TOUCH WHITE.

T

Her husband dies in a bus

h

e

y

commiserate

crash.

with him

TOUCH WHITE.

over how

Parvin seldom leaves

the old-timer - poor soul

home.

by

– has to shoulder the

people’s stinging

burden of his widowed

remarks on her lot, she

daughter and her

cries in private, her

children.

head on her knees.

The ecstatic joy that fills

TOUCH WHITE. Her

his heart when he sees

children start school.

his grandchildren play

Upset

86

MTS

and

run

about

ever have the courage

disappears when he

to spend her whole day

hears remarks in this

in the middle of strange

vein, leaving behind a

men.

jet-black emptiness

TOUCH WHITE. Parvin’s

weighing down on his

mother counsels her. It is

heart.

not like the old times,

He remembers that his

she says. Now women

daughter has stopped

work, and she too

attending wedding

should work. Not that

parties because people

she is a burden to her

thought a

parents, but she has

widow

education and she

in

attendance

should make the most

could bring

of her life. Parvin sits

them bad luck.

still, her head bowed.

TOUCH WHITE. Parvin broods over the

H e r

question for weeks,

mother

wondering if she will

sheds tears. She starts

87

Drawn Out Death

cursing the society.

her bed, unable to

What kind of a

sleep. She has been

country is this w

h

e

r

in this job at the

e

bank

everybody

for

several

chants

months

t

n o w .

h

e

name of

She has

Islam but

become

nobody is

used

prepared to

a

countenance

a

t

to working the bank

and spending her day

widowed woman

amid

getting married, says

environment is safe and

she. They would sooner

everybody is nice to him

bury such women along

but her carnal needs

with

are reawakening after

their

dead

men.

The

husbands.

years of hibernation.

TOUCH WHITE. Parvin is

She had believed her

tossing and turning in

libido had died along

88

MTS

with her husband. She

knows why.

had been wrong. She is

TOUCH WHITE. Parvin

spending her days in

has been in the job at

the midst of men,

the bank for more than

feeling the presence of

three years, and she is

several young, healthy,

well set in the job. Her

good-looking males

life is improving. She is

around her. This has

reserved but has good

brought her long dead

working relationships all

libido back to life. Now

around. She loves her

pangs of desire give her

work. Every morning,

the shivers. She craves

she leaves for work

to be with somebody.

when her children leave

She remembers having

for school. She spends

heard as a child

her day seeing

people say,

new people,

“May

not

filling out

even a tree

new forms,

be alone.”

grappling

Now

with

she

89

new

Drawn Out Death

files. She has a good

engrossed

grip of her work and is

conversation. I thought

respected for it. She is

they would be sifting

making money. Her

things for right and left

confidence

registers but when I paid

is back. In

attention, I discovered

t

h

e

in

a

they were on an unrelated subject. For a

evening,

while, I waited for them

she returns home tired

to return to their job, but

to death and spends

they did neither open

the evening playing

up a register nor say

and chatting with his

anything about this

children. The nights are

meeting. Finally, I could

different – and she

not restrain myself any

blames the society for

longer.

her nights not being

“This is clearly licentious

what they ought to be.

behaviour,” I said rather

The Right and Left of

pertly. “He was gazing

Amjad and Parvin were

at her body and she

90

MTS

was baring all she could

“With Parvin, who else?”

for him to gaze at instead

said I.

of

“But

she

covering up. Why

doesn’t seem to

don’t you write it

have

a

up?”

problem,”

They stared at

said Parvin’s

me in silence. At

Left.

length, Amjad’s

“So what?” I

Left spoke, “What

felt like banging

should we

my head against a wall.

write?”

“He was spreading

I was bamboozled by

lecherousness, polluting

this unexpected

the society.”

question. “Write down

“How come?” Parvin’s

that Amjad was being

Right asked.

wicked,” I asserted.

The same exercise in

“With who?” asked

futility again! I firmly

Parvin’s Left.

resolved to floor them with my answer. Not 91

Drawn Out Death

putting this lechery, this

ability to work. This

lewdness in the left

would be bad – or

register was an outrage

would it?

against my intelligence.

I found this line of

Now that shouting or

argument rather

cursing did not look like

disconcerting. I

an option, I began to

considered again:

formulate my answer in

Would this be good or

my mind.

bad? The mullah used

If Amjad kept gawking

to say women must

at women like that, the

never step out of their

public order was sure to

h o m e s on their

break down. Women

own;

would find it difficult to

a n d

venture out of their

t h a t

homes. They would

t h e y

always have to be

should

accompanied by a

not venture outdoors for

male of their kin. This

work because it gives

would hamper their

rise to lewdness.

92

MTS

Now if Amjad’s gawking

I was not about to give

discouraged women

inn. Okay, it did not go

from venturing out of

against Amjad but

doors, was he not

Parvin was still guilty of

waging a holy war on

lewdness. I began to

lewdness?

W a s

frame the argument

this not

for her Left. She

a good

was spreading

deed on

immoral behaviour.

his part,

She was fully dressed,

which

but she not covered

w a s

enough to disguise

w h y

her form – the way

his Left

was not

people carry a pack of

willing to register it?

condoms

Strange though the

unmarked, shapeless

conclusion seemed, by

paper sack to conceal

my line of argument

the nature of the

inevitably led to it.

contents.

93

in

an

Drawn Out Death

No, this was not it. She

taking pleasure in

had wrapped her body

Amjad gawking at her

pretty much like this, but

bosom through the

her face remained

opening of the chador.

bare, and she had left

How bad could this be –

the chador front open

taking pleasure in being

to feast Amjad’s eyes.

pleasant to look at?

Nor had the opening of

I remembered how

the chador exposed

heads would turn when

any skin – her bosom

I went to a wedding,

remained covered by

groomed and all – and

her shirt – which was

how good it felt! There

quite loose fitting.

would be men as well

Her curves were still

as

women

apparent, but that was

among the

something nature had

onlookers,

fashioned – so why must

a

n

d

she be bashful about

women’s

it? All mothers had

attentions

bodies like hers. She was

would not always

94

MTS

induce lust – they were

end.

innocent gazes more

How was it okay for

often than not.

men to dandy up to

Once, on the wedding

please both men and

of my maternal cousin, I

women, but not okay

took particular care

for women? Why did

with my grooming and

they

dressing, but

have

this

compulsion to

nobody

stay hidden –

paid me

as if their

a

n

y

being or

attention.

their form

How sad it

w

had made

something

me! It felt as if

to

everybody had

a

s

be

ashamed of?

rejected me,

What are women

and it had

to do if they

bothered me

have to venture

for days on

outdoors and

95

Drawn Out Death

work? Should they tar their faces black? I glanced at the four of them - Right and Left. They were staring at me. They had read my thoughts.

96

Chapter 5

Amjad was snaking his way through traffic like

Disease

a bat navigating through a jungle. One

Amjad was zooming

time, I was about to call

along on his motorbike.

out to him to be careful,

He had several close

but I remembered in

but

time it was no use. The

continued like a

living cannot hear the

leading man in

dead – or else great

a movie. I

men would forever be

remembered

stalked by the wailing of

my

the

shaves

own

small,

death. I had

inconsequential,

died because I

powerless men killed

did not have a

fighting their wars.

helmet on. In

Would they not howl

any case, there was

from that muted, half-

nothing I could do

dead world on seeing

about it anymore.

their mothers, wives and

Drawn Out Death

children bemoan their

come to consult the

departure? Lucky are

s

those who quickly go

accompanying

Beyond, saved the

Amjad. Their

trouble of witnessing the

human was a

sorry state of their

doctor – a good

survivors. This ordeal of

man. His problem

the survivors was aptly

was that he had

summed up by the saw,

a patient dying a

“People bemoan the

painful death. A case of

dead sitting down, but

blood cancer, he had

they lament the lost

been under treatment

gravy train on their

for two years, dying a

feet.”

long and slow death.

A s I w e n t s t re a k i n g

When the doctors said

alongside Amjad’s

they could do nothing

motorbike,

time

more and his family

suddenly froze. A pair of

were about to take him

Right

Left

home, he begged the

appeared. They had

doctor to help him die a

and

98

p

r

i

t

e

s

MTS

painless death. Taking

and you want to put it

pity on the man, the

in his right register? How

doctor had obliged. The

can you do that?”

problem at hand was

“The patient was in

how to classify the

e x t r e m e

doctor’s act. Should it

p a i n , ”

go to the left

said the

or the right

doctor’s

register? I

Right. “The

could not

doctors could

help jutting

neither keep

in again.

him alive nor

“What are you up to?” I

cure him. He would die

exclaimed bitterly.

anyway – of his disease

“What kind of a

if not of the doctor’s

discussion is this? A

device, tomorrow if not

doctor is supposed to

today.”

be a messiah. His job is

“But it was not up to the

to save lives. A doctor

doctor,” the doctor’s

puts a man to death

Left sided with me. 99

Drawn Out Death

“Exactly,” I said. “This is

had cut out a man’s

against the natural

heart and were now

order of things. If the

busy repairing it. Then I

natural order says a

was with Amjad

man should die

again. This

of a disease,

scene had

he should

b

e

e

n

be allowed

flashed to

to die of

me

the disease.

by

A m j a d ’ s

Meddling with

Right.

the workings of nature is

“Human thought is also

a no-no. This surely

part of the natural

belongs to the left

order,” Amjad’s Right

register.”

stated to speak. “Just as

All of a sudden, the

flooding, volcanic

scene changed and I

activity, bushfires, and

found myself in the

droughts wreak all kinds

operation theatre of a

of havoc on nature but

hospital. The doctors

remain inseparable

100

MTS

– but is it not fair to

put

a

murderer to death? And is from nature, human

it not fair to

thought is also integral

kill your

to nature even if it

enemy in

upends the preexisting

battle?”

order - whether it is a

I was mildly

man killing another man

surprised. I

out of greed, or a

had read

power ful man killing

l i t t l e

tens of thousands in a

history

war. Or a man finds a

apart

treatment for a blocked

from what was included

aorta, which is a natural

in the curriculum, but I

condition, and saves

had

the life of a man dying

biographies of a few

of that condition. You

well-known philosophers

insist killing a man is bad

and the rudiments of

101

read

the

Drawn Out Death

their thoughts. Now this

“But to kill somebody

discourse here was

knowingly is murder – it

quite philosophical to

is!” I could say no more.

me.

The scene changed

“But the medical

again. It was a replay of

science exists to save

the life of the doctor’s

lives. How can it be

patient. It was his last

used to kill?” There was

day at the hospital. The

no way I could stomach

next day, his family

this.

would take him home.

“As of now, medical

The doctor came to

science exists not to

check on him and told

make humans immortal

his eldest son and his

but to ease suffering,”

daughter’s son to wait

said the doctor’s right.

outside the room.

“Preventing polio,

“You look better than

keeping heart and

yesterday,” he said,

kidneys in good shape,

glancing over his

relieving fever and pain,

reports.

and so forth”.

102

MTS

“Yes, doctor. This hellish

always reassured me.

disease

But you

k e e p s

too have

slaughtering me

day

night,

lost hope

and

now, which is

and

why you are

yesterday, it was

sending me

using a dull knife,” the

home,” the patient

patient‟s sinews

was visibly in

were erupting

pain.

with pain even

“No, it’s not

as he spoke.

like that.

“Don’t say

Don’t worry.

that. You will

Pray to God

get better,” said

and spend

the doctor, his

time with your

eyes scanning

family. I will

the reports.

prescribe injectable

“ D o c t o r, y o u a r e a

painkiller. We will send

good man. You have

somebody to your

103

Drawn Out Death

place every day to

have no idea how

administer

the

painful my condition is”.

injection,” the doctor

The doctor said nothing.

was still not meeting the

“Doctor, I feel as though

patient’s eyes.

it is not blood but red

“Doctor, I have to say

hot lava coursing

something,” said the

through my veins.

patient. “Please send

I feel as though I have

your staff away for a

received a thorough

moment”.

pummelling. Every tissue

The doctor motioned

of my body is drowning

the two nurses in the

in a constant deluge of

room, who promptly

pain every moment of

left. He shut the door

the day,” saying this,

behind them and

patient paused for

returned

breath. The doctor

to

the

patient’s bedside.

stared at him blankly.

“Doctor, you know what

The patient continued.

ails me and how bad it

“When I breathe, I feel

is. Still, I am certain you

as if fiery hot smoke is

104

MTS

searing my lungs. I can

not dying a slow death

neither eat nor drink. All

– I am a violently painful

these tubes attached to

death. I beg at your

my body torment me

feet, please rid me of

twenty-four hours a day

this hellish life.”The

like so many skewers. I

doctor remained still.

can neither walk nor sit.

“Doctor, my family has

Nor can I go to the

also suffered these two

restroom on my own,”

years. Poor souls, they

saying this, the

are drowning in

p a t i e n t

debt paying for

looked at t

h

m

y

e

treatment.

doctor

One or the

again. The doctor

other of them has to

held his peace.

stay at my bedside

“Doctor, I am not a

round the clock, turning

living corpse, I am a

their back on life. My

corpse tossing and

hellish affliction is killing

turning in agony. I am

my whole family.”

105

Drawn Out Death

The doctor pulled a

The scene changed

chair and s

a

again.

t

It is the doctor’s

down.

chamber. He is sitting

H

e

alone. There is a knock

took

at the door. It is the

t h e

patient’s oldest son. He joins the doctor and

patient’s

says he is here to put in

hand and

a word for his father. “I

lowered his head. When

dared not bring it up for

he raised his head

fear you would think

moment later, his eyes

badly of me. Today,

were moist with tears.

father told me he has

He looked at the patient and saw his saw

spoken to you.”

tears welling up in his

He stops and fixes the

eyes as well. He gently

doctor with a piercing

pressed the patient’s

gaze. He is afraid that if

hand, who mustered a

his father has not

weak smile in response.

spoken to the doctor on

106

MTS

the subject, or if the

then…,” he abruptly

doctor has failed to

stops as his courage

understand, he would

fails him again, and

think the son is out to

then continues after a

murder his father.

pause. “Do whatever

“He has asked me to be

you think is best, doctor.

rid of this pain,” noticing

We just cannot see him

that the young man is

suffer like this anymore”.

too timid to say more,

Having said what he

the doctor moves the

has to say, the son looks

story forward.

up at the doctor, whose

“You have said yourself

face is expressionless.

there is no cure,” the

The son stands up and

son picks up courage.

leaves.

“To see him suffer like

A little later, a nurse

this

beyond

walks in. She is retiring

endurance. If death is

next month. She has

how this ends – and if

come to pick

he has to suffer like this

up

is

as long as he lives,

107

an

Drawn Out Death

injectable. The

all”. The doctor takes off

d o c t o r

without any context.

motions her

“I am sorry to hear that,

to stay. “I

d o c t o r, ” t h e n u r s e

have to discuss

interjects, taken aback

something with you”.

by the suddenness of it

The nurse calls out a

all.

junior nurse, hands him

“In the last days, when

the injectable with

he was writhing in pain

instructions, and takes

as he inched toward his

the seat facing the

death, it occurred to

doctor.

me many times I should

“My

father

was

put him to rest. I could

diagnosed with cancer

not bear to see his

three years after I

suffer, but I was young

graduated

from

and inexperienced

medical school. Three

back then. I dared not.

more years later he

My father tossed and

died. It was a slow,

turned in my arms,

painful death. I saw it

begging for death.

108

MTS

Giving him

to abandon

life or health

people in

was beyond

the clutches

me

but

I

of violently

failed to give

painful death”.

him a painless

“The patient in

death,” he falls silent

room number five is

again.

being discharged

“People

cannot

tomorrow,” the doctor

fathom, ”ventures the

continues after a while.

nurse, “How awful a

“He does not want to

thing painful death is.

toss and turn anymore.

Nobody wants to be

His son came to me. He

responsible for a death.

agrees with his father.”

Everybody fears getting

The nurse nods gently,

caught on the wrong

without saying anything.

side of the line. Because

The doctor

of our inability to

fishes a small

shoulder

bunch of

the

responsibility, we have

k e y s

109

Drawn Out Death

from his drawer and

The four of them had

puts it on the table. The

decided the matter

nurse picks it up, opens

while I was away. I was

the cabinet in the room

about to ask them how

and prepares an

they had classified the

injection. She locks the

killing – or rather the

cabinet, puts the

mercy killing – of the

syringe and the bunch

patient, but then

of keys on the table,

thought better of it.

and leaves the room.

I was feeling weird since

The doctor stares at the

my death. Things had

key bunch and the

started to seem

syringe for a long while.

somewhat different

The scene changed

from how they used to

again. I was back in

be when I was alive.

Amjad’s timeline, his

Back then, I could see in

motorbike swooping

black and white. The

and plunging sightlessly

divide was not all that

like a bat. The doctor’s

clear anymore. Black

Right and Left had left.

and white now existed

110

MTS

on the margins, with

wrong when I was alive

shades of grey taking

seemed right. Other

up most of the field.

things that were

It was difficult to say if a

decidedly right before,

shade of grey had more

seemed to be wrong

of black or white to it,

now, again because of

but both were always

my newfound access to

present. The certitude

people’s inner workings.

about anything being

I had spent my whole

right or wrong was

life with a closed mind

g e t t i n g

and

now

I

shakier

trembled at

a

the thought of

n

d

shakier.

having

to

Now that I

account for it t o

Beyond. I had never

read people’s minds

bothered to

had the ability

and

know

exert

their

my own

intentions, some things

mind,

that appeared clearly

always

111

Drawn Out Death

going with the flow,

matter involving my

always staying with the

office. He came across

multitude and always

as an educated person.

taking pride in it too.

Truth be told, I had seen

How would I answer

him as a heretic.

God if he asked me

In any case, there were

how different my life

some people sitting with

had been from that of a

him and on the course

mouse?

of the conversation, the

A lawyer

question came up:

had once

Should a person

put me

exercise their own

t h i s

understanding or go

question in exactly

along with what is

these terms. It had

customary in the

sounded strange but I

society? The reference

had paid little attention

was the society, not

to it at the time. I went

religion, but I blurted out

to deliver some papers

one should always go

to the lawyer in a

112

MTS

by what the mullah

mullah has read many

says.

books written by pious

On hearing this, the

men. I fully trust his

lawyer turned to face

knowledge

m e . We h a d b e e n

competence.”

through

the

He again gave me the

introductions so he

gaze for a long moment

knew I was a teacher

before

who had a university

“Suppose I file a case

degree in history. He

with a Magistrate’s

fixed me with his gaze

court. The presiding

for a long minute before

judge asks me as to the

saying, “If God asks why

merits of the case. I cite

you did this or that, will

statutes and case law

you answer you did it

that I think underpin my

because the mullah

case. What will he do if

said so?”

what I say does not

“Of course,” said I,

satisfy him? He will throw

brimming

out my case – and that

with

and

saying,

will be the end of it!”

confidence. “The

113

Drawn Out Death

He

gave

me

a

have an inkling of

penetrating stare. I kept

where he was going

my silence. I had been

with it, but I held my

unable to grasp the drift

peace.

of it all.

The lawyer spoke again.

He continued again,

“If I took this position,

“Now, suppose, instead

the judge will not only

of citing statute and

throw out my case, he

case law, I tell the judge

will also cancel my

I had consulted

license to practice law.

some big-

Because presenting

s

h

o

t

other

lawyers‟

lawyers

arguments verbatim

who say

does not make me a

the case

lawyer. I must use my

has merits.

own head.”

What will the

He again looked at me

judge do

but I remained tight-

then?”I

lipped.

started to

114

MTS

H

e

have you used it?”

continued,

What will I tell God

“If I cannot

then?”

stand

The

before

turned his gaze

a

lawyer

to me and stayed at it without

Magistrate

saying a word. Nor did I

Third Class without

have anything to

using my own head,

say. I

how can I stand before God? Will he not say,

was

“Even a mouse can mimic other mice around him. Would it not be good if I had

examining

made you a mouse? I

his argument – it was

made you the most

watertight. But how

intelligent of my beings,

could I stake heaven on

gave you a high-

my lowly intellect? To err

performing brain. How

is human – and to err

115

Drawn Out Death

upon error. To follow the

any real effort to seek

counsel of wise men is

you,

the best thing to do.

coincidentally headed

They are forever the

to where you are

lighthouse. Why must

hiding. The other child is

then I depend my own

trying his best to seek

intellect and risk hell? I

you, but being a child, is

trembled to argue with

headed in the opposite

the lawyer, but his was a

d i r e c t i o n . Te l l m e ,

matter of faith. I

whose attitude will you

couldn’t stay silent.

find more endearing?”

Nervously, I ventured.

I did not say anything to

“But Mr. Counsel, see, to

him at the time – just

err is human. If I err, God

handed him the papers

will be angry”.

and left. Now as I

The lawyer smiled, “Now

remembered it, it

imagine you are playing

occurred to me I had

hide and seek with your

lived a mouse’s life.

two small children. One

Even lower! Because I

of them is not making

had spent my life

116

but

is

MTS

following the fads of the

complaining to her.

society without even

Now I realized that

realizing it while I lived. I

through all the

had understood neither

squabbling,

life nor the society – nor

mother had never

even my mother.

failed to attend

My mother had cried

to her mother-

like a child when my

in-law’s needs

grandmother had died.

like

A schoolchild back

clockwork.

then, I had been

Grandmother

shocked by her crying

was an invalid, bed-

like that even more

ridden.

than

personally attended to

by

my

a

Mother

grandmother’s death.

all her needs. She never

I had thought mother

asked us to care for her.

would be very happy to

I had never noted this.

see grandmother die,

Nor had I realized that w

because she was a l w a y s

117

h

i

l

e

Drawn Out Death

grandmother lived,

Mother’s badmouthing

mother would always

was not targeted at

eat with her and never

grandmother – it was

with us. Grandmother

targeted at her lot – or

would never be bitter

she thought it was

to mother even

targeted at her

as she bickered

lot. In fact,

–

always

she was not

wishing her

up against her

daughter-in-law

lot. She was up

well.

against the web

I realized only after

woven all around her

dying that more than

because of the fear of

half my father’s modest

the greed of her elders.

earnings went to

And so she cursed her

grandmother’s

ancestors – not her

treatment, and mother

parents or grandparents

would never say a word

but

about it.

generations. Do people

the

past

think their deeds will

118

MTS

vanish the moment they

mother finally lost. She

die? Or that only their

too died.

direct descendants are

I wondered if my

humans and those

mother’s exertions for

coming afterwards

my grandmother’s

mere worms?

comfort had gone to

The reasons for mother‟s

her right register of left.

wailing

over

grandmother’s death had been twofold: Grandmother’s death, and how she had taken all her pent up anger out on the invalid. Grievances against generations past must be voiced. Bottled up, they murder you. Locked

in

this

unwinnable struggle,

119

Chapter 6

Class

Hollywood m o v i e and two, it w o u l d

On Saturday, Amjad

mask his

rose early, cheerful as a

identity

bird. He had a date

f

with Kiran today. He

onlookers.

selected his newest

He had told his mother

dress. His mother had

he had planned an

already ironed it but he

outing with friends. He

carefully ironed it again.

had to go early

Took his time to wash

because Kiran said she

and scrub his motorbike

had to return home

squeaky clean. Buffed

before lunch. She had

his blood red helmet. It

insisted on the morning

would serve two

because on a holiday,

purposes: One, it would

people seldom venture

make him look like the

out of homes so early,

protagonist of a

minimizing the chance

r

o

m

MTS

of being seen with a

form of address

male friend in the street.

electrified him.

He

sent

a

In about five minutes,

over

Kiran stepped out the

WhatsApp. She had

door. Rocking a kurta

message

Kiran

arrived at her

and jeans,

f r i e n d ’ s

she had a

place. He set

chador on

out zooming

t

along the

covered

deserted

half her

Saturday

f a c e .

h

a

t

morning streets. He

Striding in his direction,

pulled up close to her

she motioned him to

friend’s place and

hurry up. Amjad hastily

messaged Kiran.

began to kickstart the

“Okeydokey baby!”

motorbike and his foot

came her reply. This

slipped.

„Okeydokey‟ instead of

He

“okay” and “baby” as a

because he knew the

121

was

nervous

Drawn Out Death

meeting was to be

on to mask her identity.

secret. Also, he worried

She climbed behind

about the bike failing to

Amjad,

start up. Not only would

sidesaddle, and Amjad

the date be cancelled,

took off like a rocket.

he

They sighed relief only

would

be

embarrassed no

sitting

once they had left

end in front of

the street.

Kiran.

A m j a d e

e a s e d

succeeded

down on

in staring the

the throttle,

H

settling into a

bike on the

jolly pace.

third attempt and thanked God

A little further, he

for it.

took a turn and Kiran

Kiran’s jeans was skinny

asked where he was

and her kurta more of a

headed. He couldn’t

tight fitting tunic.The

get it and motioned her

chador she had thrown

to go again.

122

MTS

“Where

are

you

laughed.

headed?” This time she

“No, no! Freshly

put her mouth to his

shampooed,” Amjad

helmet and yelled. He

quickly ran his fingers

gestured with his hand.

through his hair. “Which

She couldn’t make

one? Cow brand?” she

anything of it but held

teased him again.

her peace. In a little

“No, no! A sachet of

while, they arrived the

Sunsilk,” he said rather

parking lot of a small

insecurely, and felt like

public park. Kiran

hitting his face with the

hopped off as soon as

helmet for having let slip

Amjad pulled up.

the word “sachet”. And

Amjad leaned the bike

right on cue, Kiran

against the side stand

mocked him, “Hahaha!

and dismounted, taking

So did you splurge the

off his helmet.

whole sachet or save

“You haven’t oiled

some for later?”

your hair again

I had been with

have you?” she

Amajd in the

123

Drawn Out Death

shower, and he had

this– and his dread was

indeed saved some for

well founded. “Hahaha!

later. Now, in the face

You have brought me

of Kiran’s mocking

here for a date?” Kiran

enquiry, he didn’t know

taunted him.

what to say, so kept

What

his

else,

A m j a d

mouth shut.

thought,

K i r a n

b

giggled on.

couldn’t

Finally, she

muster the

asked him,

u

t

courage to

“Why have we

say so. Kiran

come to this park?”

wound her chador like

“No mobile phone shop

a rope and let it hang

will be open this early.

around her neck like a

They open around

muffler.

eleven,” he half

They walked for a while

dreaded she would

before she stopped.

mock him for saying

“Have you brought me

124

MTS

here for a walk? I go to

kissing them. He felt the

a gym every evening

fly of his pants bulge,

and need no walking.

the zipper unpleasantly

Take me somewhere I

pressing against his

can sit. This heel isn’t

organ.

He

much good for walking quickly

either.”

looked

Amjad looked around.

a w a y

There was a

from her

b e n c h

f e e t ,

nearby.

instead

They went and

focusing on the

sat

trees in the park.

there. Kiran took off her high-heeled

A couple of minutes

sandals and started to

later, the bulging eased.

caress her bare feet.

He stole a look at her feet again. He felt an

Seeing her glistening

urge to eye up her bust

white feet, Amjad felt

but that would require

like caressing and

125

Drawn Out Death

him to turn his head

her legs. The way she

toward Kiran, which he

was sitting, hugging her

didn’t dare.

knees, her breasts

Kiran lifted her feet up

shielded behind them,

and rested them on the

and

edge of the bench. “A

covering her neck, he

little space, man, you

couldn’t see a thing. His

are crowding me in”.

glance returned to her

Red-faced, Amjad

lips and cheeks. Now

moved away in the

and again, he turned

bench. Kiran started to

his gaze to the trees,

fiddle with her cell

but then turned his eyes

phone.

sideways to look at

“This phone is broken,”

her.

asked Amjad.

Ten or fifteen

“No. Acts up now and

minutes passed like

then,” she continued to

this.

fiddle.

absorbed in her cell

Amjad tried in vain to

phone and Amjad

sneak a peek between

didn’t have the

126

the

chador

Kiran

was

MTS

courage to strike a

Amjad

conversation.

crunching numbers in

Suddenly Kiran started

his head. He had all of

to put on her heels.

seven hundred rupees

“Come, let us go!”

in his pocket. He was

“Where?” Amjad was

not sure this would be

baffled. “The market

adequate, especially

won’t be open yet.”

because he had no

“Let go somewhere and

idea which coffee shop

h

a

v

was

now

she had in mind.

e

They reached the

coffee,” e

parking lot. Amjad put

quickly

on his helmet and kick-

strapped

started the bike. Kiran

s

h

r

shouted the address of

sandals on

their destination in his

h

e

d

helmeted ear. It was a

shouldered

prohibitively expensive

her vanity case. They

coffee joint in Gulberg.

were on their way.

How much would

a

n

127

Drawn Out Death

coffee cost there? And

“What is this?” she

if she orders something

pointed to Amjad’s

on the side?

other hand.

They reached the

“This? Helmet!” Amjad

coffee shop. She

was a bit perplexed.

hopped off, quickly

“Leave it here!”

balled her

s

chador

h

e

yanked

and tucked

at

the

it inside her vanity

helmet.

case, conjured a

“ H e r e ?

vanity mirror and

Somebody will

patted her into shape.

steal it,” he mildly

Meanwhile, Amjad also

protested.

took off the helmet

“So be it. I will buy you a

righted his hair.

new one,” she tugged

“Let’s go!” Kiran took

at

her arm and tugged.

reluctantly snagged

She abruptly stopped

with helmet with the

two steps later.

motorcycle helmet.

128

him.

Amjad

MTS

Kiran held his arm and

set on a table in the

almost dragged him

o t h e r c o r n e r. H e

inside. A young woman

followed her gaze and

in black pants, white

saw a young couple

shirt and

s i t t i n g

black vest

t h e r e .

darted

Kiran took

towards

Amjad’s

t h e m .

arm and

A m j a d

headed in

was nervous.

that direction.

Kiran faced her, “Table

They took the table right

for two”.

next to the couple.

“ Ye s ,

Ma’am,”

“Why have you brought

mumbled the woman

me here so early?” said

and pointed them to a

Kiran, slightly blushing.

table. Amjad was about

“Ugh, you said the

to stride towards it when

phone …,” he took off,

Kiran tugged at his arm

somewhat startled.

again. Her eyes were

129

Drawn Out Death

“You keep badgering

“I don’t like this coffee

me over the pone

shop,” Kiran blurted out

round the clock, don‟t

suddenly. “Let us go

even let me sleep!” she

where we went the last

said quite romantically.

time”.

The order taker arrived

Before Amjad could ask

before Amjad had

which last time, Kiran

occasion to say

rose to leave. Amjad

anything. Amjad’s heart

rose willy-nilly. Kiran

sank as soon as he

again too his arm and

opened the menu. The

they stepped out.

seven hundred rupees

Amjad’s glance darted

he had would not be

to his motorbike, and he

enough to pay for two

started breathing again

cups of coffee. As they

when he found the

scanned the menu, the

helmet where he had

server brought

left

the bill to the

it. Kiran was not

n e x t

tugging

table.

at him

130

MTS

a n y m o r e . Wa l k i n g

He waited for her to

gently, they got where

climb behind him but

the bike was parked. He

she remained planted

took it off the parking

where she was. Five or

spot, sat astride

six minutes had passed

it, kick-

before she hopped on,

started

sitting astride, and

it, the engine

tightly clung to Amjad.

roared to life.

As they left the parking

Kiran did not

l o t , Am j a d s a w t h e

take

the

couple from the table

chador out of

next to theirs at the

her

door of the coffee

vanity

case.

shop.

“Where to now?” he

Amjad’s heart was

asked.

galloping like a horse.

“Wait, I’ll tell you,” she

Kiran was clinging to

said as she stood there.

him, maintaining full-

Then she moved and

body contact. For the

stood behind Amjad.

first time, he had a

131

Drawn Out Death

feeling he was on a

“Nowhere,” she said. “I

date. He wished his

have received a

friends were here. How

message

jealous they would be

WhatsApp. I have to go.

seeing the girl clinging

You can go now.”

to him like this.

“What?” Amjad was

A little further, Kiran

distressed. “Are you not

tapped on his shoulder.

going to change your

He looked back to see

phone?”

her motioning him to

“No – I will go with my

stop. He

d r i v e r, ” s h e s a i d

pulled up.

wrapping on the

S

h

e

over

chador. “I will message

hopped

you.”

off and

He was still trying to

started to

make sense of the

take the chador

situation when Kiran

out of her vanity case.

flagged down a passing

“Okay, where to now?”

rickshaw and left.

Amjad asked.

Dumbfounded, Amjad

132

MTS

stood there for a while,

“I will sort out this girl

then headed to a cabin

afterwards. First, let me

[khokha] to buy loose

see about Kami.

cigarettes.

He is slipping

I froze time. What just

through

happened had left me

m

flabbergasted, even

h a n d s

more so than Amjad. I

like a fish”.

rewound time and got

“What will

where Kiran was a day

you do?”

before.

said the friend. “They

She was on phone with

are going on a date

a girlfriend. “What?

tomorrow.”

Kami is going out with

“Don’t you worry,” she

Amtal?”

Kiran. “I am not losing

“ Ye s , M a d a m , ” h e r

Kami, not at least to

friend intoned. “I had

Amtal. Just find out for

told you he just can’t

me where they are

help.”

going.”

133

y

Drawn Out Death

As she hung up, she

“Just as you can’t go

sent Amjad lewd

Beyond without dying,”

messages and asked

said Right, “you can’t

him to take her out on

be friends with the rich

the pretext of buying a

without piling money.”

phone. Fast forwarded

“What do

to when they were

y

sitting in the park, she

mean?” I

received

struggled to

a

message from

o

u

grasp the meaning of

her

what

friend

said.

he

saying Kami and Amtal

“Kiran come from

were going to the

money,” said Left. “She

Gulberg coffee shop.

will have friends from

I let time go by.

her own social set.

“What was all this?” I

Amjad is to her more

asked Amjad’s

like her servants. She

Right.

uses him as and when

134

MTS

the need arises, then lets him be.” “But Amjad is

“Everything

deluded,” Right

she did today goes to

continued. “He believes

her left register,” said

in human equality, and

Amjad’s Left.

thinks Kiran is a friend to

“In the Left register?” I

him.”

asked, astonished. “I

I got it, and I felt sorry for

have seen you overlook

Amjad. I didn’t feel like

major misdeeds by

saying anything. Still, I

some and now you put

asked, “This is how she

Kiran’s deviant way of

thinks. She hasn’t

thinking in the left

harmed anyone. There

register?”

is no need for her going

“Thinking is the biggest

out with Amjad to go to

issue with humans,” said

her left register, right?”

Amjad’s Right.

135

Drawn Out Death

I was about to say what

my thought. “But this is

has action to do with

different.”

thinking? You can think

“Different?”

I

was

anything, but never get

perplexed.

around to actually

“Something different

doing most of it. Then it

again?”

occurred

me

“Nothing new,” said

intention is also thinking,

Kiran’s Left. “This is the

and deeds are judged

real deal with humans”.

to

based on intentions.

“Thinking is the real deal

Presently Kiran’s Right

with humans?” I was

and Left arrived.

unable to stomach it. “If

“Intentions matter,” said

thinking is the real deal

her Left. He had read

with humans, what about deeds? A thinking person is a useless person. That’s why they say thinker, goner. The real deal is deed, action! The doer

136

MTS

of deeds is the only

anybody on the way to

useful person. Mere

great deeds.

thinking bookworms are

It took me a good two

a burden on the planet.

minutes to stop my train

A n d

you say

of thought even after I

deeds

had stopped talking.

count

The sprites waited

o

r

patiently until I was

nothing?”

ready for their response.

Provoked, I

“Ajjo, the human kind is

went on and

a great, great work of

on.

God,” said Amjad’s Left.

f

I see no use for the

“A human being is

dreaming types. And

bigger than his or her

those who talk and talk,

mind, way bigger…”

they just waste time.

“What?” I cut in. “A

Inefficacious good for

while ago you said the

nothings. They can

human mind is the

neither accomplish

greatest creation of the

anything nor help

universe.”

137

Drawn Out Death

“Not the human mind,”

are useless daydreams

said Kiran’s Right. “The

that eventually render

human kind.”

the human good for

“But what is a human

nothing.”

being without the

“The mind takes

human

flight on its

mind?” I was

own?” I asked

perplexed.

in amazement.

“A

“ Ye s , ” s a i d

human

being is way

Amjad’s Right.

bigger than his or

“A mind is like a wild

her mind,” Kiran’s Left

horse. It will take you

began. “He can direct

places if you succeed

his mind to whatever

in taming it. If not, it will

he wishes. But if he is

destroy you.”

lazy and does

“ We l l ? ” I s t i l l

not constructively

could not quite

employ his mind, the

wrap my head around it

mind takes flight on its

but at least I could see

own and those thoughts

great humans spent

138

MTS

most of their time

Exerting one’s mind is

thinking. Carrying a

what makes a human

carload of bricks did

being great.”

not make one a great

This mental exertion

human being.

again confused me, but

Having

read

my

Kiran’s Right read my

thought, Kiran’s Right

mind and continued

c o n t i n u e d , “ Ye s ,

without giving me the

carrying huge loads

opportunity to interject.

does not may anyone a

“Mental exertion is the

great human being. Not

noblest, highest, and

that carrying loads or

hardest labor of all. This

other physical labor is

is what makes humans

bad – it is dishonorable.

human. Look around

All honest work is

you and tell me: the

honorable. But both

dresses that you wear,

animals and machines

the skyscrapers you

can carry loads.

build, the cars you drive around, the aircraft

139

Drawn Out Death

you fly about in – are

said Amjad’s Left.

not all these the fruits of

“Without manual work,

mental exertion?”

no thought would ever

I exerted my mind –

be realized. But the

there was little else I

thing is, animals and

could do – and I stayed

machines

at it for quite a while. It

contribute to physical

made sense. Physical

labor but not to mental

labor but meant little

l a b o r. T h i s i s t h e

beyond translating

quintessentially human

thoughts into physical form. T h e y a g a i n read my thought. “Not that manual work has no value,”

140

can

MTS

endeavor, and this is the

social classes, good

hardest work of all.”

and evil – everything

I got it all now, but the

grows out of human

mental effort it took had

thought. Consider how

tired me out.

you think little off the

“Okay, okay,” I conceded. “I get it that the human kind

has

progressed by thinking. But what has Kiran’s thinking

thinking man, but the

achieved?”

West prizes the thinking

“Just as human thinking

man above all else. This

can build material

is how your thinking

constructs, it can likewise

differs from theirs.”

create

I could read their train

ideological constructs.

of thought beyond

Blood relations,

these words: That

friendships and rivalries,

141

Drawn Out Death

malicious, evil, mean, and decadent thinking – like Kiran’s thinking about humans from Amjad’s class – always went to the left register.

142

Chapter 7

Whore

over WhatsApp but he thought better of it. For one thing, he couldn’t afford to rub the wrong way that daughter of a powerful family and for another, he couldn’t pull the

plug

on

friendship with a rich and beautiful young woman. It was a big deal among his friends that he had the affairs Amjad couldn’t quite make out how Kiran had used him, but he knew well enough he had been used. He felt like hurling abuse at her

with a rich girl. Swallowing his pride helped Amjad keep the façade of normalcy but sent waves of bitterness coursing through his

Drawn Out Death

system. He reached the

whiter. His again felt the

[khokha], bought a

zipper of his fly dig into

loose cigarette, and lit

him. He sat astride on

it. He felt like a loser.

his standing motorbike.

Kiran had ill-used him.

He had half a mind to

She should have kept the appearances of having

coffee

together. What if it was expensive and he couldn’t buy two cups – he would have loved to buy her a cup and see her sip it.

jerk off then and there

He remembered Kiran’s

thinking about Kiran but

bare feet – and his mind

that was not possible.

wandered to the legs

The increasing pressure

attached to those

on the fly convinced

glistening white feet.

him to take his mind off

They would be even

Kiran. But the matter 144

MTS

could not rest anymore.

have only seven

He thought of going

hundred rupees,” he

home and utilizing the

told

leftover shampoo in the

responded with a

sachet – but then he

winking emoticon.

remembered Shani. He

Amjad’s bitterness

sent her a message

e v a p o r a t e d

over WhatsApp. “Hey

instantaneously. He felt

beautiful, what are you

electrified.

up to?”

“What

Two minutes later, her

communion of man

response arrived,

and woman but a

“What time?”

celebration of life!”

“Right now my love. I

remarked Shani as she

can’t wait to be with

and Amjad lay side by

you,” he responded

side on the grimy

right away.

mattress in her room.

“Okay, an hour from

“A celebration? You call

h e r.

is

Shani

this

this dirty union a

now,” Shani replied.

celebration? Of

“Just in case, I 145

Drawn Out Death

life no less?” said Amjad

Shani said nothing.

pawing her bare belly.

Amjad thought he had

“Why do something you

a n n o y e d h e r. T h e

find unclean?”

muscles of his thighs

His prudery irritated her.

were throbbing. If he went off

“Can’t help. Just as we

the rail

poop and

n o w ,

pee,” he

everything

said biting

would

her shoulder.

be

ruined. He kissed her

“What if you are unable

hand.

to poop and pee?”

“I said dirty because

Shani pushed his head

you have to shower

off her shoulder.

afterwards,” he tried to

“ We d i e . B u t t h a t

laugh it off. “This is the

doesn’t make it any less

life‟s most beautiful act.

disgusting,” now

Without it, life loses all

Amjad’s temper was

charm”.

rising. 146

MTS

Shani held her peace.

This is a ritual of life and

She had an urge to kick

it gives rise to new life,”

him of her bed, spit on

she said.

his face, go to the bath

Amjad didn’t much

and scrub her body

understand her drift, but

clean of his touch. But

it irked him nonetheless.

she remembered how

What rubbish, he

happy the new toys

thought. Human life is

had made her kids, and

God’s supreme creation

she knew there was no

– what could it have to

way she could act on

do with this filthy romp?

this impulse of hers.

A whore will be a

“Man appears from the

whore, he told himself. Is

mother’s vagina and

it any wonder she

suckles at her breasts.

glorifies the fucking

He stays at it all his life

business? The

– in and out of

throbbing

the vagina,

muscles

suckling at

of his

the breasts.

thighs

147

Drawn Out Death

meant he could afford

life emerges. The facing

t o a n n o y h e r. H e

life suckles and enters;

wanted to keep his

the new life emerges

mouth shut but he

and suckles. What is the difference? The cycle of life goes on forever”. Amjad went silent. He still did not q

u

i

t

e

comprehend it but his couldn’t help.

heart was sinking.

“In and out of the

“Why did you become

vagina is true of man.

a whore, Shani?” he

What about woman?”

spoke as if in a dream.

he blurted out.

“You say strange things.

“Woman does her part

A teacher I had used to

in bringing forth life,”

say things like these.”

she said looking at the

“He who made you a

ceiling. “The fading life

whore’s client made me

enters her and the new

a whore,” she went

148

MTS

along with the charade,

Amjad took this

speaking

opportunity and got on

as

if

hypnotized.

top of her, kissing her

“What?” Amjad cried

lips.

out. “Farhad?”

“Easy on the goods,

Farhad, Amjad’s

man,” she shoved him

neighbor, was a hashish

aside.

dealer. He was Amjad’s

smothering me.”

trusted source of

Amjad was somewhat

hashish, and it was he

miffed by her power

who had put Amjad in

play but his arousal kept

touch with Shani as a

him from getting up and

whore.

“ Yo u

are

leaving. All he could do to

Shani stayed

express

his

silent for a

annoyance was to lay

second, then

still. Shani took no notice of his ruse.

laughed

“The society, not uncontrollably.

Farhad,” she continued

“You are silly!”

in a while. “The society

149

Drawn Out Death

neither lets you

his chin

marry not sleep with

and kissing

a woman in any

his cheek.

other way. Your

“Come,

only recourse is satiate

to come to a

me – or

whore. Likewise, the

would you

society forces women like me into becoming

rather keep me on a

whore. The husband

simmer?”

can’t find work and I

I froze time.

know no work. What are

Amjad left the cabin

we to do then – strangle

[khokha] and arrived in

our children to death?”

a neighborhood behind

Amjad said nothing. Her

Shalimar Garden. The

shoving had spoiled his

streets were narrow and

mood. His silence told

dirty. He stopped at a

Shani he was angry.

street corner and sent a

“Oh, my handsome

text message over

client,” she said, holding

150

MTS

WhatsApp in English, “I

Shani’s next-door

am here”.

neighbors, and darted

Quick came the reply,

in. She was standing

“Five minutes”.

right next to the door,

Ten more minutes and a

waiting for him.

second message came,

Shani was thirty, her skin

“Come in”.

a light ebony, he body

Amjad replied, again in

firm, her features sharp.

English, “Me is coming”.

Her husband drove a

He kick-started the

rickshaw for pittance

motorbike and took off.

these days. Shani had

Shani’s home was in

t

another street after

children,

taking a right turn from

both of

the street he was in. He

them

knew the place and

sons,

that the door would be

one eight and the other

open for him. He

nine-and-a-half years

parked his bike in front

old.

of the house next to

151

w

o

Drawn Out Death

After Amjad’s message,

mother, and whore! You

she had talked to her

can’t have secrets in

husband to ascertain

poor neighborhoods.

what time he was

The poor can’t survive

returning. He was

without leaning against

returning late in the

one another in any

night. Shani had had a

case. How can a

word with the

whorehouse run in a

woman next

shanty without the

door and sent

w

the boys to

h

o

l

e

neighborhood

her place. T

h

joining in the conspiracy?

e

neighbors

She took

knew she

A m j a d

was

straight to

a

whore.

her bed

Wife,

a n d

152

MTS

started taking off his

their mother was about

shirt. She hoped to be

to render to buy him

through with him and

toys. Nor were the

see him off within an

neighbors about to

hour. She had told her

taunt them about it.

sons she was having

What was there to taunt

some people around

about anyways? The

who had some work for

poor

her. She would receive

pretentions of honor.

payment for the work

Amjad had hugged her

have

no

tight and said she pulled him as death pulled the living. Shani had said death ended all and that the pull had

and buy them toys from

to do with the blood-

Baba Seeti, she had

drinking like. This has led

said.

her to wax lyrical about

The children had no

communion of man

inkling of what services

and woman being a

153

Drawn Out Death

celebration of life,

“What of it,” Shani held

which had piqued

his face in both her

Amjad.

hands and lifted it up.

I rewind a little. Shani

“Be a man. It can’t be

was sitting in her bed

all that bad – they

and Amjad was crying,

roughed you up in

his head resting on her

the

lap. Shani was trying to

Thanks god

placate him.

they did not

“Come on, man. Don’t

take you to the

be such a

police station.

crybaby. Up, up!”

You have no

street.

idea how

Amjad did not move.

bad the beating gets

“Chin up,” she moved

there.”

her fingers through his

“I wouldn’t mind if they

hair. “These cops are

had taken me to the

such bastards.”

police station and killed

“They beat me up so

me there. They slapped

bad Shani,” he sobbed.

me in public and hurled

154

MTS

profanities at

a n d

my mother

patting him

and sisters.”

wordlessly.

“ T a k e

After a while,

heart,” she

Amjad felt

continued her

better and

efforts to lift his spirits.

stopped crying. He got

“You are a lion. It is not

up and went to wash his

as if their slapping

face.

would hurt you.”

I rewound time a little

Amjad

was

more. Shani was making

inconsolable. “He

tea and Amjad was

abused me in public,

sitting by her at a low

called me a pimp,

stool.

called my mother and

“Hey,

sisters whores”.

stopped coming,” Shani

These last words had a

said. “What is the

silencing effect on

matter? Made a new

Shani. She kept stroking

connection?”

his head, kept caressing

155

you

have

Drawn Out Death

“No, no Shani,” Amjad

Shani pinned him with a

said,

somewhat

piercing gaze. Her eyes

embarrassed. “It’s just

glistened for a fleeting

that I was busy”.

moment.

“Oh yes, you are a big

She wanted to see

shot now. Why would

where it would go. She

you make time for a

had half a mind to ask

whore like me?”

Amjad why he did not like

Beat. “Hey, don’t you keep calling

her calling

yourself a whore.

herself a

I don’t like it.”

w h o r e when she

“Why?” About in

was a whore and he

dilapidated cups, Shani

met her because she

froze.

was a whore. Amjad’s

to

pour

tea

bad temper scared her

“Well, I don’t like it,” said

into silence. She kept

Amjad, badtemperedly

her silence because she dared not anger him.

156

MTS

Ok, scratch that,” said

Amjad sipped at his tea

Shani, handing him a

in silence.

cup of tea. “Tell me,

“What is it?” Shani

where have you been

asked, a bit seriously this

all these days?”

time. “Hope all is well?”

“I was … was about,”

“This job I had … I have

said Amjad as he took a

lost it,” Amjad said

sip.

weepily.

“Incredible times! The

“Oh so it was this!”

whore has to ring up

Shani’s voice was

You Highness for a

muffled. I peeked at her

rendezvous,” said

thoughts.

Shani.

TOUCH WHITE. Shani was a twelfth-grader when her father died. Her older brother was a drug addict. They fell on

“Damn, I said whore

hard times. Her father

again. Old habit!”

had been a clerk at a government office.

157

Drawn Out Death

Shani’s mother was

TOUCH WHITE. Shani

convinced she could

was

get by on the meagre

beautiful, had some

widow’s pension from

education, but nobody

that office. The drug

was eager to ask for her

addict son was unlikely

hand in marriage

to

gainful

because her father was

employment but could

dead and her brother a

depend on the shrine of

drug addict. Those who

Data Sahab for free

did show any interest

meals. Afraid the

demanded dowry in

society will turn her

the form of a

find

daughter

young

and

motorcycle

into a

or such.

whore

Finally,

i

a

n

return

for

vegetable

daily bread, she was in

market porter fell to her

a hurry to marry her off.

lot.

158

MTS

TOUCH WHITE. Shani’s

with Shani. Says she,

firstborn was three

“Sis, our men cannot

months old. She had

make enough money to

kept him covered up

keep our households

until

afloat”.

now

by

repurposing her disused

Shani concurs. “I

scarves. Now he

badger Akbar to do

needed clothes as well

better but what can the

as supplementary food.

poor soul do? He lugs

Her husband’s daily

heavy loads all day at

earnings barely sufficed

the market. What else

to keep him fed for the

can he do? No dough

daily grind and her

for us to start a shop or

to breastfeed the

buy a rickshaw.”

infant.

“I know this man,” the

TOUCH

woman said scanning

WHITE.

Shani

with

a

The woman

penetrating gaze. “He

from next

comes to me once in a

door is sitting

while. He is no king, but

159

Drawn Out Death

he pays me what little

two clients. One dies

he can.”

not pick up. The other

Shani kept her head

fulfils himself by passing

low, scratching the

lewd remarks about her

earthen floor. She knew

various body parts. She

what the woman

has two other clients

meant. Everybody in

she would rather not

the neighborhood knew

call up. One is a

who of the women

masochist who is

welcomed clients or

given to pinching

went to them. She felt

her all over so

like wailing loudly.

hard in bed her

Before she could act on

eyes tear up. The

this thought or think

other one is so

better of it, her infant

mean he pays

son cried – loudly.

up half what he agrees.

TOUCH WHITE. Her

One time, he left only a

husband has not been

fifty-rupee note. She

paid his wages for two

rings up Amjad and

days now. She rings up

finds him hesitant.

160

MTS

Amjad is the only one of

before it is time for my

his clients who is

children to return”. “But

younger than she was.

Shani, I have no money

She thinks he is

on me right now,” says

unenthusiastic because

Amjad embarrassedly.

of the spending

“Never mind that,” she

involved. She is able to

laughs. “You always pay

draw him out by waxing

me. Don’t pay me this

romantic and also

time. You can pay me

telling Amjad she has a

at double the

private matter to discuss

rate

with him. Now he tells

next

him he is jobless. He

time.”

reminds her of her

“But why

younger brother.

would you

“Don’t you worry,” she

let me have you

tells Amjad. “You’ll find

without the payment?”

a job. A good worker is

Amjad hates himself.

always in demand. Now hurry up and be done

161

Drawn Out Death

“Man, you are so

Shani decides to call up

handsome,” she kisses

the sadist.

him on the forehead. “I

I let time go again.

didn’t call you up for

Amjad had left Shani’s

money – I did it

place and is gliding

because

I

along on his motorbike

wanted

– not zooming at a

you so

Godspeed but at a

bad”.

leisurely pace.

Amjad

All the rest of that day I

feels like

agonized over whether

the most

this episode will go to

important

Shani’s right or left

person under the son.

register. Come evening,

His depression instantly

I saw a great press of

evaporates. He is

Right and Left all over

happy.

the place. I was

As she bears the brunt

amazed.

of Amjad pounding

“What is this multitude

away on top of her,

of Right and Left here

162

MTS

for?” I asked Amjad’s

“Because

Right.

encounter will be

“They are the whole

registered for the whole

society’s Right and

society,” said

Left,” came the reply.

Shani’s Left.

“The whole society’s?” I

“For the whole society?”

was concerned. “What

I was befuddled. “Why

happened?”

this

for the whole

“Nothing,” said Amjad’s

s o c i e t y ?

Left. “They are here

W h o e v e r

about registering

sows should

Shani’s encounter.”

reap. Why

“Okay, right,” I said

the

fixing

me

society?”

gaze

at

Nobody said

Shani’s Right

anything.

and Left. “But

The scene

why are whole

changed.

society’s Right and Left

Akbar has Shani by her

here?”

braid, pummelling her 163

Drawn Out Death

with a show. “You

does everybody

fucking whore!”

hate a whore?

Shani responds, “Whore? Your mother is a

Because

w h o r e . Yo u

she

eunuch! Why

is

a

woman? What

don’t you try and make

does she do? Because

s ome money if y ou

she charges for the

don’t like what I do?”

utility of her body, right?

Akbar gave her a

What does the laborer

thorough thrashing.

who lugs bricks do?

Tired out, he pushed her

Does he not carry those

to the floor and sat on

loads on his bare body?

the grimy bed.

Does not charge for the

Shani lay there crying

utility of his body? Why

for a while, then it was

is his calling noble? Why

as if she had a visitation

isn’t my hard work

by the powerful

honorable? Is this not

goddess Kali. “Why

bone-crushing labor? If

164

MTS

you

is

body covered in

pleasurable work, why

pimples and pustules

don’t you try it yourself?

against yours – you

Y o

have to lay back and

say

think

u

it

cannot no

to

welcome him and be

y

t h a n k f u l f o r i t . Yo u

filthy stinking

cannot turn away a

foulmouthed

client – a client is a god.

w o l f i s h

A whore endures all this

sonovabitch!

and gets a bad name

W h o e v e r

for it.”

throws you a

Before I could say

coin, like a

anything, I felt myself

bone to a dog,

rising higher and higher

you have to wag

like a cyclone, my head

your tail and open

ascending towards the

your legs to him. He

space. I knew then the

may bite you,

technical issue had

pinch you, salivate

been resolved and my

a

n

all over you, rub his

165

Drawn Out Death

death was reaching completion. I was thankful the dark void of death was finally ridding my of the suffering that was life.

166