Los Angeles without a map

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a met

"Wickedly funny."

— TIMES LITERARY SUPPLEMENT

MARINER BOOKS

Digitized by the Internet Archive in

2012

http://archive.org/details/losangeleswithouOOrich

so

, praise for Los Angeles Without

"Smashingly entertaining."

"A

classic."

a

Map

— People

— New York Times

"Wickedly funny, Rayner has an acute ear for the bizarre, disjointed dialogue, an engaging relish for the absurd, and has painted here a picture that anyone who has ventured to the West Coast, helpless and alone, will recognize instantly." Times Literary Supplement

—

"Clued-up,

"And what

literate

are

we

and gut bustingly funny." going to

Rayner's book? Creative non-

call

fiction? Faction? Travel Faction? Traction it."

— Observer (London)

"An Englishman

in

Lotus Land

.

.

"Marvelously original, vivid and

— Arena

.

.

might be the word for

good and funny!" .

.

— Newsday

weird!"

— Sunday Express (London)

"Entirely hilarious ... an absolutely wonderful read

miss

it!"

— Charleston Post

"Watch the

What

story unfold as though everyone

a debut!"

— Cosmopolitan

were

in a

.

.

.

don't

movie

.

.

— Daily Telegraph (London)

"A

terrific

"A

highly entertaining tale of everyman in the slough of delu-

sion."

piece of road comedy."

— San Diego Union

"Thoroughly amusing, pacey, hyped up." Sunday Times (London)

—

"A gonzo

Pilgrim's Progress*"

— Vogue

Los Angeles

Without a Map

BOOKS BY RICHARD RAYNER LOS ANGELES

WITHOUT THE

E

A

MAP

LEPH ANT

THE BLUE SUIT

MURDER BOOK

Los Angeles

Without a Map

A A

Mariner Book

HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY BOSTON

•

NEW YORK

Copyright

©

1988 by Richard Rayner

All rights reserved

Originally published by

Weidenfeld

& Nicholson, New York,

1988.

For information about permission to reproduce selections

from

this

book, write to Grove Atlantic, 841 Broadway,

New York, New The author

is

York 10003.

grateful for permission to quote

Sunset Boulevard, copyright

©

Pictures. All rights reserved.

CIP data

is

available.

Printed in the United States of America

qum

10

987654321

Illustrations

from

1950 by Paramount

by Huntley/Muir

for Barbara, wherever

you are

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS During the writing of Los Angeles Without a Map many people gave me encouragement and many others, most generously, volunteered stories about Los Angeles. Some of these, usually in wildly mutated form, ended up in the book; others were good stories, but didn't appeal to my hideous sense of the appropriate. In any event, many thanks to

—

In England: Chris Peachment,

Bryce,

Gordon Burn, Graham

Peter Grimsdale, Richard

Don

Coster,

Atyeo, Martyn Auty, Lesley

Simon

Garfield, Steve Grant,

Hammond, Andy

Harries, Jude Harris, Jason Hartcup, Joanna Head, Michael Herr, Tony Heywood, Angus Mackinnon, William Maclean, David Pirie, Jennifer Potter, Lucretia

Stewart and Departures.

and an even greater Glenn Auerbach, the brother from another planet; Marc Behm; Danny Heaps, whose knowledge of the freeway system was, incredibly, worse than my own; Jim Irwin, still looking for tasty outside waves; Jane Irwin, art expert and perfect lady; Victoria Irwin, who didn't know where the buses went; Mary-Ann, whose attitude was in need of adjustment; Big John McCrea, expert in Los Angeles history and emphatically no relation to the character of the same name in the book; Barker Price, may all his options be taken up by Universal; Bob Price, a fellow admirer of fat girls in Las Vegas; Eric Seder, who has at last asked enough women; Mio Yukovic, a fellow admirer of The Sweet. And: Grace Jones, David Lynch, John Milius, Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, the late Lee Marvin, and the girl in the Scream club who told me 32 was 'awful old' to be a writer. I owe a particular debt to Christopher Petit, Anne Billson, my publisher David Godwin and, most of all, to Granta editor Bill Buford who first suggested that the story of Barbara and Richard might be worth writing. All four put up with me long beyond the call of duty. It goes without saying that the faults of the book belong to the In Los Angeles: Brad Auerbach, a great guide

friend;

above, and are not

my own.

CONTENTS i

2

3

::

IT

4

::

DIVING

::

3

COMING TOGETHER

::

39

HAPPENED ONE NIGHT ::

5

::

::

FALLING APART PARTY, PARTY

::

::

103

163

::

83

i

'Poor dope.

He

always wanted a pool.'

— William Holden The

in Billy Wilder's

Sunset Boulevard

were

up with

intervals of lust

filled

the basest amusements.'

— Edward Gibbon, Decline and

Fall

of the

Roman Empire

PARTI

I

met her in a bar and knew

I

was

in trouble. It

was

in a small

on the south coast of Crete, early in the spring, and was gloomy, almost deserted, its walls smeared with the bodies of crushed insects. She sat on a stool at the counter, laughing. She had large green eyes and slender, tanned arms. She was beautiful. She was also in a stupor, and gazed into a glass of fishing port

the bar

ouzo.

I

introduced myself.

'Richard,' she said. 'Why aren't you drunk?' Her name was Barbara. She was twenty-two and came from Buffalo in upstate New York and now lived in Los Angeles, waitressing and picking up modelling work whenever she could. During the summer of 1984 she and a friend took a stall on

Venice Beach, selling shirts marked 'Los Angeles Olympics Official Terrorist'.

Then

-

a real terrorist hijacked a bus, started

running over people, and Barbara and her friend stopped selling the shirts. She said, actress.

Or

the next

'I

just

kinda hang out.

Madonna.' She had

I

thick,

might become an blonde hair and

thought she'd walked straight out of a surfing movie.

I

4

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

We

met again the next day.

we went

It

MAP

A

was sunny with

A

to look at a ruined villa.

a cool

wind and

pair of stone lions stood

guard. There were broken columns and limestone slabs. Barbara

was unimpressed and

bomber

her

'Just a

on

sat

a bench, plunging herself deeper into

jacket, tilting her face to the sun.

bunch of

rocks,' she said.

'The book says Theseus might have stayed here.'

She popped her

gum and maze,

ball of string in the

and stuck

it

right?'

When we

'That's right.'

in the eye of

thought for a moment. 'Guy with a

left

she took the

one of the

me

In the bar that night she told

who

Patterson

was

trying to

and

his agent

new

Twilight

rented a house in the

sell

movie

scripts.

gum from

her

mouth

lions.

she had a boyfriend called

above Hollywood and

hills

He wrote horror stories,

she said,

thought he might be able to land an episode

Zone

was

series. It

John sang, 'B-B-B-Benny and the

in the

and on the stereo Elton

late,

Jets'.

'Don't worry,' said Barbara suddenly. 'Really.'

'Who's worrying?'

I

said.

'He's a nice guy,' she said,

'I

can

that Barbara wasn't talking to me.

and

I

began to suspect

Her green

eyes stared at a

feel

it,'

space between the tables in the middle of the bar. There was no

one

there.

She smiled

that?' she said. 'But

shaking her head. 'You saw

at the space,

was so drunk.

I

It

was

poured the beer over the guy's head, die.

And

did you see

you

can't believe

'Yeah,

yeah,

I'll

what

really

be

the

saw

that.'

careful,

I

bozo did

hysterical.

thought

I

And when

was going

after that?

I

to

Ohmigod,

I

She nodded enthusiastically.

I'm

sure

I

can take care of

everything.' I

was

a

little

confused. She was quiet for a

'What do you think of him?' she 'Who?'

to me.

'My

father.'

'Your father?' 'He was here 'But there

just

was no

now.' one.'

moment, then turned

said.

DIVING

/

5

'Are you sure?'

Tm sure.' and was

'Oh,' she said,

she

was

said,

seven.

It

silent.

She said her father had died when it was OK, she man and in any case he still came

had happened very suddenly but

because he had been a great

and spoke to her, told her what she was doing right, what she was doing wrong, gave her advice of all

sorts.

I

gave her a furtive look.

this stuff? She did. Her delivery had an insane Her father had been a professor at Cornell, she said, a teacher of literature and philosophy, a 'totally brilliant guy'. She smiled and kissed me hard on the lips. I might not have been sure what was happening, but I liked it. I looked at her and saw:

Did she believe

conviction.

adventure.

I

belonged to a generation raised on stories of glamour, stories of

violence and excitement, stories of America.

and brought up

capital of the north of England's

been

in the

RAF

pursued various rally driver

I

was born

Bradford, a soot-caked Victorian

in

wool

industry.

during the Second World activities

- without

-

1956

in

then

My

city,

had

father

War and had

since

farmer, undertaker, garage owner,

notable success.

He seemed

often to be in

trouble with the law, and loved cricket. Watching him imitate Len

Hutton's square drive, stepping quickly

down

the lawn, bat

flowing in an extravagant follow-through, was better than

watching tiny

television.

My

mother was more

and determined, used to

as well.

realistic, a

red-head,

living with uncertainty. This

was just

My earliest memory, aged five, was of living in a big house and father coming home one night and

that smelled of fresh paint

announcing he had sold up. He said we were moving up the road, over the reaction tissue

and

moor

to Keighley,

moving

that night.

was calm. She packed glass and china

paper and crinkling

sister.

I

was wrapped

square van hired by

were on our way.

I

my

in a blanket

father.

pressed

windscreen and heard

my

my

I

fell

mother's

in chests lined

helped by

silver foil,

My

my

and bundled into the

asleep, not

with

elder brother

waking

large,

until

we

face against the cool glass of the

brother sing Eddie Cochran.

6

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

Step one, you find a Step two, she

girl to

falls in

MAP

A

love

love with you

Step three, you kiss and hold her tightly

Yeah, that sure

My

feels like

heaven to me.

brother collected rock-'n'-roll records and American

horror comics, weird stories which he read out loud, narrated by a six-year-old for her

mother

who

girl

like the

one

shot her father and arranged

ambulance

to be executed for the crime. 'An

wasn't what they needed. They needed a morgue wagon. In our state

murderers die

in the electric chair.'

'Morgue wagon,'

I

chuckled, not understanding the words.

'Yank rubbish,' said

my

father, thrusting the

flames of the kitchen grate. Soon after that

came wrapped

cards which

sweet bubble gum.

my

War' was

in

wax paper

One

favourite.

from

was Georgia? Was she dark

who

sat in front of

me

Civil

card showed a grey-uniformed Gettysburg.

at

Georgia'. This posed questions. Such as:

girl

American Scarlet

blood

Another showed 'The Rape of

guts.

his

collect the

with strips of pink,

lurid series entitled 'The

being bayoneted

Confederate fountained

A

comics into the

began to

I

my

like

what was rape? and who

sister,

or

Diana, the

fair like

and whose neck

at school

had kissed

I

during afternoon prayers?

Each Friday

I

watched The Saint on TV. Roger Moore

played a secret agent type aloof, he treated

disdain. flash.

One

My

women and

night the

father

who

was

drove a white sports

adversaries with the

programme was

out,

my mother

car.

same amused

interrupted by a news-

struck

my

tell lies.

My

cheek burned. Nothing

such a reaction from an adult.

Kennedy?' and truth. I

I

told her:

mother looked blank. Then she

face, the only time she ever hit

My

crouched

in the kitchen,

over a pile of linen. Steam hissed from an iron and 'President Kennedy's dead.'

Suave,

my mother must

I

me, and told

I'd ever said

asked,

'Who was

have realized

I

me

not to

had prompted

was

President telling the

She cried.

grew

older, learned

about President Kennedy, saw Dirty

DIVING Harry, Bonnie and Clyde and a pair of rain-slicked

1940s

the

Manningham

same week

the

in

moved

and loved

in television

America, even though

up

for

7

from

Cinema on

Lane, went to college, almost became a lawyer,

drifted into journalism,

worked

thrillers

Essoldo

the

at

/

it

in

woman

with a

called Jane

somehow

cats, yet

never went to

had been there from the beginning,

my

me, a mystery waiting to invade

who lined

life.

was twenty-eight bored, and she was beautiful, restless, mad, like a prom queen who had cracked up. We spent a few hours on Crete, and then she went home. That, I

Then

met Barbara.

I

I

,

suppose, should have been the end of

Back

London

in

it.

stopped going to work and haunted the

I

Underground, riding the loop on the Circle Line, exploring

One weekend Jane and I drove

easterly offshoots of the Central.

out to Denver Lock

in

water-filled ditches

met there

Norfolk.

bank and looked across stitched together by

A river, two canals, and a series of

like

the Fens.

It

spokes in a wheel.

was desolate:

climbed a

I

brown fields

flat

seams of water, the pencil-thin

figure of a

parachutist drifting slowly from a grey sky. Behind, water boiled in the lock.

tablecloth

That night we

was

thin

ate at a restaurant in

Cambridge. The

and frayed. Jane ordered chicken,

and poured the wine,

a glass for her,

had lamb

I

one for myself, and watched

her drink, slim hands cupping the glass as she

lifted

to her

it

mouth. She talked about her family, about the problems her father (amiable ex-army officer, taste for pink gin)

was having

who was

thinking of

with his knee

moving

to Stoke.

and about her

To Stoke?

I

sister,

half listened, drinking

want, and thought of Barbara.

really

ouzo

joints,

at the bar,

telling

me

chewing

gum

I

at the villa

crazy stuff about her father.

wine

I

didn't

thought of her gulping

I

with the stone lions,

knew

I

had

to see her

again.

'How's work?' said Jane. The question gave me found out I wasn't going to the office? 'Not bad,'

I

'When

you going

are

'I'm sorry.'

said.

to change?'

a jolt.

Had

she

8

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

'You don't seem to enjoy

MAP

A

any more. The work. You seem

it

distracted.'

'Do

I?'

I

said,

We drove

and

She didn't know.

felt relieved.

back to London

The next day

in silence.

brother, Todd. Sirens screamed in the background.

I

told

I

my

called

him

I'd

met someone who had conversations with her father even though he died fifteen years ago.

He

her.

my to

told

marbles.

me I

I

told

him I couldn't stop thinking about

been with Jane for

I'd

hung up,

my

collected

Heathrow. At Terminal Three

New

I

five

years and

saw

New

Los Angeles.

I

losing

that a flight to Auckland,

Zealand, was leaving in two hours.

Auckland,

was

passport and took the Tube

It

was

a flight to

Zealand, via Minneapolis, via Minneapolis and

was behaving like a

hysterical adolescent. But

a hysterical adolescent with a credit card

and there was

I

was

a seat

available. I

sat

by a window.

lam from

I

was on

everything that was

the plane to California,

real,

movie I'm making.

I

is

didn't

know

the plane

to

me was

bald and nervous.

and muscles stood out from

had taken

policeman, on his

it

seemed to me,

off he

Marilyn Monroe

He clamped

his

his thick, pale neck. After

relaxed.

He was Greek and

a

way to Los Angeles to make an arrest. He had a

strange vision of America. There

'It

I

was hard work. Auden,

shit.

The man next teeth tight

It

that any

more interesting than had something like a

infinitely

any romance, however passionate. marriage at home.

interesting

remembered Auden's remark

marriage, happy or unhappy,

the

playing at adventure, taking

on impulse and thinking: what an

a 7,000-mile trip

on

would

be,

he hoped, a picture of

at the airport.

must be an important

case,'

I

said. 'They're

sending you a

long way.'

'The case? Yes,

The

inflight

I

suppose

it's

important,' he said.

movie was Rocky 3. Rocky clubbed

huge black boxer with oak-tree arms and a bald

man punched his

Hours

later the

fists in

the

air.

it

out against a

Mohawk haircut. The

'Dead or

plane began to descend.

I

alive,'

he chuckled.

looked out of the

DIVING window and

there

/

9

was Los Angeles, huge and sprawling, My heart was in

stretched out in the sun, an endless possibility.

my 4

throat.

You heard

Khrushchev?

Tve heard

of Khrushchev?' said the bald man. 'Nikita

He

used to be leader of Russia.'

of him.'

'He came to America

1960.

in

publicity, lots of photographs.

It

He

was

famous

a

trip.

Lots of

and he

flew in to Los Angeles

all the swimming You know what he said?'

looked down, saw the sun.

S.

pools, shining, gleaming in

'No.'

'He

said,

"Now know Communism I

has failed."

The cab was blue and white, a Chevrolet. A sign hung from the mirror, saying 'Welcome to California. Adjust your Attitude'. I sank against the hot plastic seat, opened a window, let the warm air buffet

my face.

I

didn't need the advice.

I

was an Englishman,

in love with the idea of America. 'Check that,' said the driver as he

negotiated a banked corner on the freeway.

He

pointed to a

concrete building like a fortress, topped by battlements and

adorned with sculptures of Babylonian

was coloured

priest kings.

The building

a violent pink.

'Disneyland?' 'Big tyre factory,' said the driver.

He was lean,

relaxed, long-haired.

gave his name as

Wen

'I

worked

there.

Two years.'

An ID card on the windscreen

Shung, date of birth 12.15.55.

asked

I

where he was from. 'Cambodia. life,'

he

'It's

said.

my

I

have lived

in

Los Angeles sixteen years. All

my

'You been here before?'

first

time.'

women are very strange,' he said. 'Each one thinks she is movie star.' He fiddled with the radio, spinning the dial until 'American

he found a station playing classical music, and asked

Benjamin

Britten.

'He

years at music school.

is

greatest

Now

manuscript paper. 'My

first

I

modern composer.

I

if

I

liked

was four

compose,' he said, waving a sheaf of

violin sonata. This

is

my dream.'

10

He

'She 'In

is

had

Century City?'

right.'

some ways,'

He

said.

I

grinned, pleased that

I'd

confirmed

He said all American women liked to behave like Mata

said

I

girl in

MAP

A

strange?'

his theory.

Hari.

'You meet American

said,

That's

I

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

I

hoped

not.

At a nearby table two men were talking up a movie

arrived.

deal.«One was tanned and relaxed, with a beard like Fidel Castro.

The other had

He

looked as

a desperate

if

manner, purple

lips

and

a terrible face.

he was unaccustomed to daylight, and in need of

help urgently. 'Last

man

weekend I saw Spielberg on the beach

with purple

lips.

'I've

got a house there, you know, just

something small, nothing much, nothing

way. Steven was there with kid.

And

and

letting the

strong

when

at Malibu,' said the

his kid.

your place. Any-

like

Max. You know Max? Great

Steven was doing this trick, holding his fingers like a

they

baby swing on them. You

never

he'll

left

fall. Isn't

there

was

a

hollow

baby's grasp

see, a

that amazing?

They got up

in the sand.

to

is

so

go and

went and

I

rail

sat in

and thought, "What was going on in your mind, What was going on in your beautiful mind?" His bearded companion nodded. He was lighting a cigar the

that hollow

'

Steven?

size of

When

an Exocet.

it

was ablaze he drew on

smoke into the face of the man with the purple Cubans do real good,' he said. 'Boy, this is shaped. Gangster I

and

it

was.

lips.

and billowed

'One thing the

a stoker.

Torpedo

style.'

was having trouble taking all

said,

it

It

this in. 'This place

was gaudy and faded and

is

too much,'

the colour of

I

left-

over mustard. 'Just a lot of

men who want

to party,' said Barbara.

'With you?'

'One guy pays me 500 bucks to swim naked these weird, red beach shorts while

I

do

it

in his pool.

and

sings opera.

never touches me. He's a producer and his brain

ozone.

HoWy -weird S

Wears

is

He

gone. Pure

DIVING was

I

shock.

in

I

was

But she was wearing

Los Angeles and

in

I

11

/

had found Barbara.

She was also wearing five-inch

ears.

turquoise stilettos and towered above me. Her breasts were

pom-pom

supported by a corset of turquoise satin and a white

waggled on her backside: Bunny Barbara. She kneeled beside me. 'You're crazy, you didn't

you

tell

me you were

My

and kissed me.

know

my

coming?' She pulled

arm was around her and

I

that?

Why

head down the sweat

felt

between her shoulder blades.

'Have you worked here long?' 'Didn't

I

tell

you about

i don't think

'How

did you find me?'

Someone

called the house.

'I

it?'

so.'

said

you were

Was

that

work

until

here.

Patterson?'

'Could

be.'

'Are you pleased to see me?'

'What do you think?' she I

wasn't sure what

I

said.

thought. Barbara didn't stop

and her friend Lorraine had been invited

four,

to a water-sports

party at a house in a place called Coldwater Canyon. She said,

'You and Lorraine'll get along

great.

She's

from London,

England.' Lorraine was the white bunny. She was togged out entirely in white

looked

like

and her hair had been soaked

Diana Dors on mescaline.

My

in peroxide.

mind was

still

She

racing:

a water-sports party} I'd

always loved

big, ostentatious

American cars and Lorraine

drove a beauty, a white Cadillac Eldorado, a convertible with

monstrous headlights and in

and she

vese

two

laughed. 'Isn't

fins

said, 'We'll 'ave to

geezers,' in a

Come

on,

I

sharking from the rear. I clambered

make

a detour. Oi've gotta pick

Cockney accent so exaggerated

was about

and glanced

to say,

I

up

almost

at Barbara.

Lorraine great?' she whispered.

'Absolutely.'

Lorraine drove erratically, saying the gas

mixed

up,'

'I

always get the brake and

and the Eldorado lurched and pitched and

12

/

LOS ANGELES

stuttered

WITHOUT

MAP

A

way to wherever it was we were going. Barbara Roxy Music on the radio and fought off nausea in

the

all

sang along to

I

wondering what she felt about my unannounced

the back,

arrival. If

was beside herself with excitement, she was concealing it well. pulled up in front of a wood-framed bungalow, painted in vivid blue and with red shutters. Lorraine honked the horn. Nothing happened. She honked again. 'And it's drowning the she

We

my

sound of

Lorraine

tears,'

lifted a

crooned Barbara.

cowboy-booted

foot, kicked the horn, waited a

few seconds and repeated the process. 'Where are they ?' she shouted. 'Lighten up,' said Barbara. 'Jack!

HOO-TER!' screamed

Lorraine.

'They'll be here.'

'They're taking their bleeding time about

Then

the blue front door swept

it.'

open and Jack and Hooter

the path, shouting

LORR-AINE! and

brandishing quart-size cans of shaving foam.

A gob landed in my

emerged, lumbering

down

lap with a squelch. 'Will

you

just

couldn't help

it.

look at these guys,' said Barbara.

I

was looking.

Jack and Hooter were wearing gorilla

I

suits.

The house was high in a canyon, overlooking a neat garden with tennis court and swimming pool. The hosts were a minor movie star and her boyfriend, former kick-boxing champion of Denmark, now also an actor. She was tiny, blonde and improbably beautiful. He was just improbable: blond, bronzed and built

like

a

skyscraper.

muscular. She was in

in the

Even

his

eyebrows were intensely

shallow end of the pool with a margarita

one hand, trying to organize

'C'mon Benny,' she was

a

game

of water polo.

saying, 'you've got to play. Don't be

such a dork.'

She looked around to

enlist

support and saw me.

not to be such a dork. Get him to play. at

He was on

USC I

said

I

thought Benny should definitely play.

"TbereV she

said.

the

'Tell

Benny

swim team

DIVING A

me in the throat, hard,

This was Benny. He leaped 'Benny's

We

with a finger. 'Penis breath,'

into the pool

bombed out of his

said, 'Are those the

I

and

triangular hulk of bronzed muscle stepped forward

jabbed

13

/

said.

it

and sank. drown.'

brain,' said Barbara. 'He'll

water sports?'

walked to the tennis court where the Dane,

legs

crammed

into red-and-white running shoes, calves bulging out of white

socks,

had stripped

off the rest of his clothes

and was taking on

comers. 'Bring your money,' he shouted in his clipped accent.

all

'Bring

all

your money. One game.

The Dane lobbed up

Two

bills.

He picked up

his

a racket

King Kong. He examined a tennis

object from Mars. At last he

game easily, win was the

penis bobbing

like a missile.

gorilla's,

either arm.

He

arms and waving

and scratched

ball as

though

his

it

head

were an

was ready to play. The Dane took the evening air. The real

however, and afterwards he had a

woman

gave them proprietorial, simian hugs. I

asked.

think I'm Hooter but I'm not sure,' he said.

'You know,' Barbara whispered, 'people's characters change once they get I

five

in the cool, early

'Are you Jack or Hooter?' 'I

give odds of five to one.'

ambled forward, swinging

twenty-dollar

on

I

and sent down a serve

challengers were blasted from the court then one of the

gorillas

like

a ball

in the

in a gorilla suit.'

was growing dark. Light shone from house. The Dane had pulled on red satin shorts.

looked around.

windows

really

Fistfuls of dollar bills

It

were stuffed down the waistband and he 'I am Kareem, who will play a game with

stood beneath a floodlit basketball hoop, saying

am James Worthy, am I

Kurt Rambis,

I

me, one-on-one?' There were shouts from the pool. Lots of

women,

all

weren't

girls

I

tanned and beautiful, California

girls

from California, gathered round him.

said to Barbara, 'Can't

even I

if

they

felt tired.

we go somewhere?'

She said that Lorraine wanted to go to the beach with Jack and Hooter.

We

could go with them. Didn't that sound neat?

Around midnight

the Eldorado nosed along the ocean front, I'm

14

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

not sure where, and

we

on

spilled

A

MAP

to the beach. Jack, or

it

have been Hooter, ran headlong into the roaring, dark surf,

might Pacific

beating his chest with one hand, cradling a bottle of tequila

'Guacamole,

in the other, calling

I

want guacamole, tubs

of.

.' .

.

His voice cut off suddenly, and he disappeared.

'Where I

he?' said Lorraine.

is

saw only

stared at the ocean,

'HOO-TER!' shouted 'Wasn't

'Where

it

is

the white caps of the waves.

Lorraine.

'

Jack?' said Barbara.

Jack?' said Lorraine.

'He could drown. The currents are

real

bad

here,' said Barbara.

'Oh, Jesus.' 'I'm scared,' said Lorraine.

Infected by their panic, deranged with

jet lag,

I

ran along the

hundred

shore, shouting 'Jack! Hooter! Jack! Hooter!' and a

yards up the beach became airborne.

burned

my

I

landed with a thump. Sand

cheek. I'd tripped over something: the gorilla,

flat

on

his back, gazing at the sky, laughing.

about

'Just think

America ends. I

It's

something

called to Barbara

The waterlogged back to the

man,' he

it

said. 'This

is

it.

This

where

is

else.'

and Lorraine.

gorilla suit

was so heavy we had

to carry

him

car.

'Are you Jack or Hooter?' said Lorraine. 'Jack,'

mumbled

the gorilla.

Then where, I wondered, was Hooter? It was after three when they dropped me with my suitcase at the hotel,

an imitation French chateau

Boulevard. Barbara told

me

out on booze and cocaine.

it

was here John Belushi

said

I

in beige concrete

I

you coming

in?'

'Come

to the club

tomorrow,' she

protest a gorilla

with a roar.

I

fist

asked. said,

and before

pulled the door shut and the Eldorado

watched the

weaving: Lorraine was gas.

died, strung

wasn't feeling too good myself.

'Aren't

I

on Sunset

still

tail-lights

go

down

I

could

was

off

Sunset Boulevard,

having trouble with the brake and the

DIVING The desk

was regimental gay: close-cropped

clerk

ing moustache, lumberjack shirt with a

He

suis Gregory'.

'How

said,

looked

has your day been,

trousers were

come

full

to the hotel.

15

droop-

tag saying 'Hi. Je

with prim eyes and

sir?'

was soaked, exhausted, and my of sand. I had failed to persuade Barbara to My day had not been good. I asked if I could

thought about

I

name

me up and down

hair,

/

this.

I

room where Belushi checked out. 'You have to book into that a month in advance,' he said, rattling a pencil against his teeth. 'Did you know that cocaine is the name of a check

in to the

men's store

room on

in

He sighed, and led me to a window I saw a floodlit

Acapulco? Strange.'

From

the third floor.

the

seventy feet high, advertising

Mad Max Beyond

me

with huge, brooding

billboard,

Thunderdome. Mel Gibson looked

at

eyes.

I

fell

my

asleep with

midday.

clothes

on and didn't wake

resembled a witch's castle and was Charlie's'.

A

bar called 'Carlos

'n'

large sign advertised forthcoming appearances

by

'someone drowned line?

I

until after

showered, and waited for a cab outside a building that

I

in fact a

my swimming

in

wondered. Cars seemed to

obstructed by the thick, wobbling heat.

was already sweating. Thirty minutes

I

felt

later, a

pool'.

glide

by

My

What was

in

their

slow motion,

head buzzed and

I

awful.

cab pulled up.

'Wreck?' said the driver with an unpleasant smile. It

was

precisely

comment.

I

said,

'Your car been 'Oh,'

I

said.

'You don't 'I

how

I

felt.

'What did you in a

'Now

I

I

thought

it

rude of him to

say?'

wreck?' understand.

I

don't drive.'

drive?'

never learned.'

'How

long you been in LA?'

'A day.'

'You got money, I

asked

if

pal?'

he would take a credit card and he whistled through

16

LOS ANGELES

/

WITHOUT

A

MAP

cracked and discoloured teeth. 'Brother,' he said, 'and every time

saw up

they

woman

a

I

get the half that eats.'

The door of the Playboy Club was decorated with head

in

the style of Giacometti.

Inside,

a

a bronze

bunny

squat, red-faced

doorman chuckled and grinned. He wore an awful hairpiece that was like a pan scourer and a tight-fitting maroon suit through which he bulged and

rippled.

He stood at a counter where various

Playboy items were on display: bunny watches, bunny bags,

bunny

bikini briefs,

ing a

bunny

lotion

'See that

clutching

walks 'I

like a

a placard of

airline

Mel Torme commend-

whose function was obscure.

guy over

my

and

there, going to the bar?' said the

doorman,

arm, unable to contain himself. 'Lotsa dark hair,

cowboy?'

see him.'

'That's Joe Namath. Toughest quarterback I ever saw. Old Broadway Joe.' This was of no interest to me. I told him I'd come to see Barbara. He looked angry. Perhaps he was appalled by my philistinism concerning Joe Namath. 'She ain't here yet,' he said. 'I'll

wait.'

'Well, you'll

have to buy a drink. That's the regulation.'

The bar was like a set for a Swinging London movie: mirrors and polished chrome cocktail shakers, high chairs with bucket seats and yellowing cushions, lamps in which red fluid made changing patterns. I ordered vodka and orange. This arrived in a glass decorated with the bunny logo. I gulped it down and asked for another.

The only other customer was the man who was supposed to be He was about forty, swarthy and big, and hunched over a bowl of peanuts. He wore a lemon-coloured jacket. The

Joe Namath.

material looked expensive, cashmere perhaps, or alpaca. 'You in the business?' he said in a growling voice.

'The business?' 'Movies.' 'No.'

DIVING He said

didn't drink like

I

was in the movies.

He

movies drank any more.

in the style

I

No one who was cramped

his

in the movies.

'If

regretted this.

when he was around people who were

17

/

It

you're not in the movies in this town,' he said, 'they don't think

me

you're working. These guys give

a pain. 'Course,

coupla movies once. Machine guns and brutality,

Dozen. Ever see

like

I

made

a

The Dirty

that?'

Good film.' 'Now Lee, there was a man who knew how to drink. Got drunk with him one time down in TJ. It was Lee who warned me about English fruits. You get some guy carrying a 'Robert Aldrich, Lee Marvin.

'You got it,' he

said.

cane, wearing a silk hat, he's got a pink hankie in his pocket and

some

great flower behind his ear killer. He'll

guy's a

meet an English I

said

I

and you watch your

knock you down,

piss in

your

ass.

You

eyes.

That ever

fruit like that?'

never had.

He found

this strange.

'You are from

England?' he said. Before

I

could answer the barman put a phone in front of me.

There was a

call.

'Hi, hon,' said Barbara.

She told

me

had come up and she wouldn't be able

was a shame. said that

was

'Lorraine's

a modelling assignment

to see

gonna take you

nice, thinking

oh

me today.

I

said that

to dinner,' she said.

I

shit.

'Later, baby,' she said, and hung up. The man who was supposed to be Joe Namath

said,

'Female

problem.'

'Something

like that.'

'Fucking dames,' he said. 'Even size of

Cuban

'Didn't

'Who

they do have

gams

the

pineapples. Fucking dames.'

you used to play

told

when

you

football?'

that?'

'The doorman.' 'Like

I

said, I'm

an

actor.'

'You're not Joe Namath.'

Namath. Guy's been jerking your chain.' He pushed away his empty glass, signalling for a refill, and asked if, by any chance, I 'Joe

18

LOS ANGELES

/

WITHOUT

A

MAP

was one of those English fruits Lee Marvin had told him about. The doorman was still by the gift counter, still smiling, brushing dirt from the sleeve of his jacket with plump

fingers. 'She

hasn't arrived yet,' he said, scowling. 'I

know,'

The man

said.

I

he wasn't Joe

at the bar said

Namath.'

The doorman grinned: That It

Joe, he's such a kidder.'

was lunchtime. Century City was

loafers

and eyes

you drive

sliding sideways

a Porsche Targa?'

found a table at the jailed' said the

British

towards each other, asking 'Do

bought a copy of the

Yum- Yum

Diner. 'Minnie

LA

Times and

Mouse

fondler

headline on page seven.

visitor

assaulting

I

of Italian jackets, Gucci

full

Julian Jones

Minnie Mouse

has been jailed for sexually

in the

Disneyland parade

Jones, 22, from Manchester, England, said,

misunderstanding. I'm not a pervert.

I

'It

week.

last

was

all

didn't think there

a big

would

be a girl in the costume. I just assumed it was a male in there.' The victim of the crime was 18 -year-old Loyola student Laura

Morris. She had been working at Disneyland only three days.

'He

definitely fondled me,' she said.

my

butt.

He had

his

hands

all

This guy had his hands on

over Minnie.' Jones received a

three-month sentence and has also been banned for the I

Anaheim

Minnie Mouse.

A

hair like scrambled eggs

waitress

and

came

for

my

to be a

ham

The

a

man

order. She

a tired, leathery face.

menu. The variety of choice was bewildering. something called

from

complex.

leisure

wondered what awful sexual despair could lead

assault

life

I

to

had

scanned the I

Entertainment Lawyer Special'.

asked for It

seemed

sandwich.

'Supersalad?' she said. 'Yes, please,'

I

said.

'Supersalad?' she repeated, deadpan.

I

didn't understand the

game. 'Yes, please,'

I

said,

with a smile

this time.

DIVING

19

/

'Supersalad, she said, raising her voice. She was getting angry

now.

'No thanks, not 'Listen up, fella.

today.' I

don't have the time. Do-you-want-soup,' she

said enunciating the

doubtful mental 'I

see,'

I

That night

as

mean do I want soup

my

or

.

.

.'

and

a nervous

lips.

tried to call Barbara.

I

she were talking to a child of

if

ability, 'or-salad?'

said, 'you

laugh escaped

words

weird music with sliding guitars.

Her answering machine played I

a message, asking

left

whether

some point. Lorraine knocked on the door of my room at eight. She wore a short black dress with zips all over. The words 'You'll be lucky' it

might be possible, actually, for us to get together

were

stencilled

hair flew

at

where the filmy material hugged her thighs. White

from her head

at all angles. She'd

been kissing an

air-

and her boyfriend was in tow. The boyfriend was Chuck. He was in AScR at Warner Bros. Chuck had freckles and staring eyes like chunks of broken sky. His trousers were baggy and made from parachute silk, tied at the ankle with gold ribbon, and he wore a T-shirt advertising a conditioner,

health-food store in Pasadena. logo.

'Bliss for

Chuck and Lorraine were

wondered whether

I

like

the Bowels', said the

walking billboards.

shouldn't get a message written on

I

my

clothing.

Chuck gave me a damp handshake. 'Did you really fly from London just to see Barbara?' 'Actually, I came to take home a swimming pool. I heard there were plenty round here, and cheap,'

Chuck behaved

as

though

I

I

said,

and shuffled

hadn't spoken.

He

my

feet.

ignored

my

awkwardness, or hadn't noticed it. 'That's so amazing,' he said. have this

rule. It's called

'I

Chuck's Law of Geographic Desirability.

who

more than twentyseven minutes 'ride on the freeway. Lorraine's twenty-one and one half. Twenty-one and one half is reasonable. London is not. Am 1 Never, repeat, never, date a

right or

am

I

girl

right? Tell me. Lorraine,

lives

am

I

right,

baby?'

20

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

MAP

A

'Right, Chuck.'

'And where

What

Barbara anyway?

is

this

is

beach wear

commercial? Bikinis or one-piece?' said Chuck, and asked

if I

liked Chinese food.

Chuck drove an angular Japanese sports car, small and bumper sticker: Tray for Me. I Drive Sunset'.

electric-blue with a

He

said,

Sunset Boulevard, nine in the morning, the

'It's

traffic's

murder. They're scraping them upiike strawberry jam. Kiss that

tarmac' I

was folded

From time

into the back, chin

to time

I

could see things: a palm

tourists staring at a floodlit

question

The

'Is

tree,

my

knees.

two motionless

mansion, a billboard which posed the

your number up?'

car dipped into a tunnel. Lorraine explained to Chuck,

'Richard met Barbara sister,

bouncing against

when

she

Kimberley. The drooler.

was in Europe looking for her They finally got her put away,

didn't they?'

This was news to me.

I

said,

'I

never met the

sister.'

'And didn't you two meet right after she had that thing with the

Greek

film director?'

The Greek 'Wot woz Polaroid. I

film director* Barbara hadn't his

He

name? The Greek

even looked a

tried to get

my

mentioned

bloke. Barbara

'Not 'I

a

was

a

bit like you.'

head round

Lorraine thought

this.

Chuck The Tinseltown Raskolnikov?'

stand-in for a Greek film director?

Patterson yet?

that.

showed me

said,

I

'You met

yet.'

guess you will.

And

I'm sure you guys are gonna just love

each other.' 'Chuck,' said Lorraine. 'You are awful.' 'What did Richard think? That Barbara would just walk out on Patterson and Patterson

don't you fuck

Chuck had really

the

me up

a point.

thought about

it

would

just turn

over and say,

"Why

there as well?" I

wasn't sure what

at all.

I'd

thought.

I

hadn't

We parked outside a cinema playing

new Eastwood movie and walked

to the Chinese restaurant.

DIVING Through some Indian name,

cultural confusion the place

The Gunga

had been given an from the

Diner'. Illustrations

hung on the walls and the waiters were dressed

Sutra

tans.

The

nearest they'd been to India (or China)

Lorraine ordered food, and Khyber Pass cocktails

These came

which

in tall glasses

They looked

own

its

know you've satisfaction

was

was

and consisted of nine

like those tubes of

all

round.

different types of

sand from the

Isle

of Wight

spirit was a different colour, Twelve of these and you really

used to get as a kid: each

I

each at

Kama Nehru

Ray movie.

a Satyajit

spirit.

in

They were blond and had

jackets to complete the Indian theme.

Los Angeles

21

/

like

level in the glass.

'ad a drink,' said Lorraine, inspecting her glass with

and draining

at a gulp.

it

sugar dissolved in petrol.

It

I

followed

suit.

my

scorched

The

taste

throat and

I

started coughing.

'You get used to the afterburn,' said Lorraine, ordering three more.

'You

like

Los Angeles?' said Chuck.

'I

think

'I

adore Los Angeles. Think of any way to get

so.'

think of the

doing it already. You You want to situate two hundred feet in the air? Some guy's

most bizarre scam you can and somebody

want

rich,

is

to start a hospital for kids' toys?

Cadillac wrecks on poles

already there. This town,

creative.'

it's

There was something Chuck liked even better about Los Angeles: relationships.

It

was so simple

here, he said,

money, you got the glamour, you got the democratic,' he said, gazing at Lorraine as she

girl.

you got the 'It's

so

.

.

.

downed another

cocktail. 'Right, baby?'

'Right, Chuck.' 'I

know,

istic.

But

I

it's

know,' said Chuck. 'You're gonna say so simple

one thing I can't stand bullshit. Right,

it's

beautiful.

in this

No

bullshit.

world, Richard,

it's

it's

And

that

materialif

there's

one thing -

baby?'

'Right, Chuck.'

After dinner

it

was back

into Chuck's Japanese speedster for

22

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

another hunchbacked to a club called

playing.

He was

Meet

they've done.

The stage

where Chuck said Nip Drivers were

He

thought they

'And you should

see the videos

thinking of signing this band.

could have a million

These are

time to the San Fernando Valley,

ride, this

FM Station

MAP

A

He

hits.

Me

said,

In St Louis re-shot by Leni Riefenstahl.

totally creative guys.'

FM

Station

was

Bodies were

tiny.

and the sound system was

jammed

against the

a deafening fuzz of crackle

and

feedback. There were four of the Nip Drivers and they were on

and

already, three skinheads

and very unsteady

hair

legs.

moment. The

stage at any

chanting 'The Holocaust

is

singer

now,

waved

Hitler

a broken beer bottle,

showed us how,' and

audience jumped up and down. Chuck was

from

man

in a big suit

his ear. Lorraine

asked

off

my

me

to

still

at the door, in

know

well, a gaunt,

dance and we headed for the

A

glasses.

I

Someone thumped me on

holding the wrecked remains of

my

came out of the mind. The Khyber

fist

didn't

Pass cocktails were taking effect and

anything.

the

and with a gold swastika dangling

clamour of music and eventful bodies.

crowd and knocked

silver

thought she would topple off the

conference with someone he seemed to dark-haired

who had

a girl playing bass I

felt

I

fine,

the shoulder.

It

ready for

was Chuck,

glasses.

'These have been totalled,' he said. 'Just as well.

Now you'll

be

able to get yourself some serious West Coast shades. Right, Richard ?'

Right, Chuck.

I

dreamt I was

in a jungle.

Undergrowth snapped beneath

my feet

and huge green leaves sweated with moisture. There were the shrieks of terrified animals

and the smells of rotting vegetation.

met Barbara. She swam breast-stroke water.

Was

this a

'I

just

pool

commercial for baby food?

out of the water, standing close, so

She said,

in a

met the

devil.

I

felt

the

He wears

I

filled

asked. She

warmth

I

with black

came

of her body.

psychedelic shoes and

runs a cut-price clothing store on Melrose.' I

woke

up.

The

TV

was on with no sound, showing

Lucy, the episode where Desi Arnaz traps his head

/

Love

in

the

DIVING pineapple ice-bucket. realize

where I was.

I

looked around. For a

moment

I

/

23

didn't

On the table by the bed was the wreckage of a

steak sandwich which

I

must have ordered when

the club the previous night

I

got back from

and didn't remember

The

eating.

bread had curled at the edges and looked dreadful. The phone

was

ringing.

She

when

was Jane. me what you're doing

It

said, Tell

in California. Tell

me

you're coming back.'

Tm not sure.' 'Which question does that answer?' 'Both, 'Is

I

that

suppose.' all

I

get?'

i met someone.' 'You mean you're fucking some

girl?'

'Not exactly.'

'What do you mean?

Exactly.'

'I'm not sure.' I

heard her draw breath. She

company. They

told

said,

'I

had to

call the credit

card

me you'd bought a ticket to Los Angeles.

been trying hotels for hours. You might have been dead for

I've all

I

knew.' 'I

think

am

I

dead for

all

I

know.'

'Richard, will you be serious?'

There was a 'Is it

silence.

fun being in love with someone

else?'

On the TV Lucy had picked up a poker and was attempting to prise loose the ice-bucket. y

'Fuck you, Richard. Fuck you, she said. I

stared at the television.

'And the

office called.'

'What did they want?' 'They said you hadn't been

back straight away you're

I

in for

weeks.

And if you don't come

fired.'

ate breakfast in the Cafe Hitchcock, a twenty-minute

the hotel in

West Hollywood.

I

walk from

ordered coffee and The Rope-

24

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

A

MAP A

burger Surprise. This seemed to be a

ham

woman

next booth. She was slim,

sat

with her companion

in the

sandwich.

young

with dead white skin, straight black hair and features which were too precise. She looked like a mannequin and I wondered stayed so pale. 'Friend of mine

was

saying, 'she

wrote a

it

and made

was

it

into a

was

First thing she did

thing she did

knew this woman,' something

just a secretary,

her companion

like that,

and she

She managed to get Michael Douglas to read

script.

he loved

was

how she

to

movie and she got a million

it

and

dollars.

go out and buy a Lamborghini. Next

to kill herself in

it

on the Hollywood Freeway.

Barbecued meat.'

The woman

said nothing. She

was immobile. Her eyes were

dark grey and the shape of almonds, and they stared

at a clock

A crazy thought went through my mind:

above the bar.

that she

might, actually, be a mannequin.

The companion was

saying, That's

what

I

call a real

Los

Angeles story.' I

went

to the

phone

back and called Barbara.

at the

A man

answered.

'Who

is

this?'

'Richard. 'I'll

and

see

if

Is

Barbara around?'

she's

still

glass breaking.

'How's

it

some

'Just

see.'

I

all

I

heard

feet

pad away, then shouting

waited. Eventually she

came

to the phone.

'Sure,' said

that noise?'

stuff

didn't.

might be nice

'We

I

here.'

going?' she said.

'What was

'I

he asked. The voice was husky with threat.

if

I

going

down

in the kitchen.'

told her that since

we could - oh,

I

don't

I

was here

in

Los Angeles

it

know - perhaps, well, meet.

Barbara.

can?'

'I've

got to go to the club and then on the assignment

Marina

she said. She gave

del Rey.

'Where's Marina del Rey?' 'Get a cab,' she said and hung up.

was

me around. me an address in

supposed to do yesterday. The guy's been jerking

Why don't you come along?'

I

'

DIVING I

25

/

went back to my table and asked for the bill. The man with the

pale

woman was

stocky

little

trying to attract her attention.

still

guy,' he said. 'He's a friend of

my

'I

know

father's,

this

name

of

Amos, got the tattoo of a bulldog on his shoulder. He works over at Paramount and he used to be a navigator in B-52s. He told me they were out over Bakersfield one day - can you dig

it?

Bakersfield -

and they dropped a bomb by mistake, a hydrogen bomb, 625 times as powerful as the

what?

It

one which trashed Hiroshima. And you

know

He smiled. He spread his arms wide in a He shouted, 'Is California blessed or what?'

didn't explode.'

gesture of disbelief.

The pale woman continued to ignore him. I really was beginning to doubt whether she was alive. Perhaps the man shared this belief.

His efforts became desperate.

A

table.

knocked

salt-shaker his

went

He knocked his He repeated

flying.

the gesture.

He

forehead on the table over and over again.

At last the pale woman spoke. She said, last

forehead on the

weekend and

said, "I love the

this

guy

said,

ocean but

I

'I

was down at the ocean

"Why don't you go swimming?" I

wouldn't want to get involved."

The photographer's name was Michael. He stood

in front of a

mirror, preening, rubbing his gums, teasing his hair, polishing his nails,

admiring himself.

He was in his forties with thick black hair

He wore faded jeans and his feet were tucked into He was still very short. 'Look,' he said. 'I am not an asshole. So I changed the appointment. But I am not an asshole. OK?' He looked at us, seeking to the shoulder.

snakeskin boots with four-inch heels.

confirmation. Neither of us spoke. 'OK?' he repeated.

'OK,' said Barbara.

'OK what?' 'You're not an asshole.'

'Good.'

He smiled, appeased, and stripped off his shirt to reveal

bronzed torso and various gold chains and medallions in a forest of chest hair. 'Look at this,' he said, punching himself in the stomach.

'Rock

solid.

'About

How old do you think

forty,'

'Oh,' he said,

I

I

am? Guess. Go

on.'

said.

and looked disappointed.

He scampered around

26

/

LOS ANGELES

busily, hoisting

WITHOUT

cameras over

his shoulder,

muttering words that sounded a

retrieving

Universal',

MAP

A

handing

like 'going into

bag of

me

a tripod,

turnaround with

from a sofa with the

film

appearance and proportion of a baby whale.

The apartment was

surgically neat: there

out at precise angles on a parquet floor, like they

were white rugs

steel tables that

laid

looked

should be used for autopsies, and gleaming racks of

A video screen covered one wall, while another

stereo equipment.

was dominated by an blood-red

bow

tie,

oil portrait

of Michael in tuxedo and

wearing a lopsided smile. In the picture he

seemed absurdly young; was there another

in the attic?

'OK,' said Michael, pulling on a blue T-shirt with cut-off sleeves, 'allons-y,

if

we're going

let's go,'

and propelled Barbara

towards the door.

A lift took us towards a subterranean garage. Michael whistled a few bars of a tune

and

said:

'You Barbara's agent?'

'Just a friend.'

'Along for the ride?' I

nodded.

'You look full 'I

like a

guy

I

knew

in Paris.

Ever been in Paris? City's

of dogshit.

You know how many dogs

can't say

do.'

'Five

I

there are in Paris?'

hundred thousand. And each one of those

has a squat on the sidewalk at least once a day.

little

You

mothers can't get

away from it. It's everywhere, the dogshit,' he said. 'And you know, the authorities have come up with six different methods. They have these six different methods for getting rid of the dogshit. Six. Mechanical scoops, stuff they spray

on the sidewalk,

Vietnamese boat people. And other methods. None of them

work. The

streets are like a

combat

zone.'

was wondering where Michael obtained this curious information when the lift doors opened. The garage was echoing and I

harshly

lit.

Security cameras swivelled in every corner, tracking

our movements. Michael unlocked the doors of a black Mercedes station 'I

wagon and we loaded equipment.

thought today we'd shoot

in the desert.'

DIVING

/

27

the desert?' said Barbara.

'In

Drive out towards Palm Springs and bingo.

'Sure.

idea that'll

got an

I've

knock you on the head.'

'You're the boss,' said Barbara. 'That's right,' said Michael.

A

am

'I

the boss.'

snakeskin boot hit the accelerator with a thump and the

Mercedes sped towards glee,

removing

his

a spiralling

day an adventure.' Barbara joined

on the rear

On

ramp. Michael roared with

hands from the steering wheel, saying 'Every in the fun, laughing.

I

cowered

seat.

one of the freeways we came up behind an open-topped

Volvo truck containing a billboard of Sigourney Weaver, wearing taut grey overalls ripped

all

over. She

had

a

machine gun

in her

hands and she loomed over the Mercedes, held by ropes, rocking gently in the air-currents. Michael

baby, you've got a beautiful

'What movie's that 'Some action

know

for?'

I

wound down a window:

'Hey,

ass.'

said.

picture. Stallone with

tits.

She can do better.

You

Sigourney?'

'No.' 'She's into the I-Ching,' he said. 'She's got this hot deal with

Fox

right now.'

He own

The word

'deal'

seemed to excite him. He became

expansive.

talked about the movie stars he knew.

about

plans.

his

He was on

He

talked

the verge of a development deal

with Paramount, was getting ready to pitch a story to Irwin

Yablans

at

Empire, had two concepts over with Lorimar, a

was about to 'go' at New World, and then there was a woman who had Spielberg's ear at Amblin' and was really hot for project that

an idea he'd come up with for a children's science-fiction musical adventure. 'Imagine Goonies plus South Pacific. Wouldn't that

be beautiful?' 'I

never

much

liked South Pacific^

Michael frowned. point to

remember here

specific cases. idea.'

He

This

is

I

said.

paused, breathing heavily. is

that

we

'I

think the

shouldn't get bogged

not just an idea. This

is

down

in

a groundbreaking

28

/

LOS ANGELES

4

If it

WITHOUT

comes together, remember me,'

'Count on said Michael

it,

sweet thing.

and patted her

jewels and gold.

You

I

said,

MAP

said Barbara.

me, you'll get lucky,'

stick to

thigh. His fingers

'What do you do

'I'm a journalist,'

A

in real life,

were heavy with

Richard?'

without thinking, and remembered the

I was about to be fired. What would that make me? looked out of the window. We were in a valley. Slopes rose steeply on either side, covered with trees. There was fruit on the trees: oranges. London seemed far away.

conversation with Jane. I

'What

sort of stuff

do you

'Profiles, features, the

write?'

usual things.'

'You know what would be a great subject

for a story?'

'What's that?' 'Me.' see,'

'I

'Me.'

I

said. 'You?'

I

said nothing until finally Michael told the story of his

He was

life.

forty-eight

and had been married four

marriage more expensive than the

last.

He had

times, each

been born

in

Czechoslovakia and his parents came to America in 1939, after escaping through France and England.

He

said that

when

Hitler

invaded Czechoslovakia Variety reported the event by noting

would mean

drop

a

per cent. 'Believe

in foreign film earnings of

it,'

this

one and one-half

said Michael. 'Variety always gets the

He went to college in Philadelphia and came One of his wives left him for a movie producer, one was killed by a hit-and-run driver, another was now a famous important

west

facts.'

in the 1 950s.

actress.

'I

never look back. The future

ending road,

full

is

the excitement, a never-

of surprises,' he said, and

it

sounded

like a

well-practised line. 'We'll get lunch here,' said Michael, guiding the

through an arch formed by the

made from shaped

was

green,

150

feet tall.

truck stop.

I

legs of a dinosaur.

fibreglass

Mercedes

The dinosaur

and must have been over

A sign on its chest said: 'Welcome to Daddy Sugar's am Arnold, Southern California's biggest lifesize

brontosaurus'.

A

country and western show was advertised on the door of

DIVING Daddy

Sugar's. Inside, fans

whopped

the

Michael went to play a video game.

We

air.

29

/

ordered and

He hunched

over the

machine, fingers stabbing the controls. 'Barbara,'

came and

I

said.

this great idea.

lived out here for a while? In

might be worth a She

had

'I

said,

How

would

Los Angeles.

think I'm going to lose

'Because you I

if I

thought

it

'Why?'

it would be possible, perhaps, some time together. 'What about your job in London?' 'I

be

shot.'

for us to spend

mentioned that

I

I

it

came

it.'

here?'

shrugged.

'How come

you're like

I

thought about

my

bearings, that

this,

How could

this.

had come

I

Richard?' I

explain to her that

impulse, and that a minute with her turned

I

had

lost

on an unstoppable

to California

my

brain to pulp?

I

remembered a conversation I'd had with a philosophy tutor when I was a student. He was stout, bald and bullet-headed, a little like Erich von Stroheim. He made controversial TV appearances in which, though himself a Christian, he denied that Christ was literally the Son of God; apparently it was a metaphor. He asked how my classes were going, I told him I was having trouble with ethics.

'My dear

speck from

his

boy,' he said with a donnish chuckle, flicking a

gown,

and not the practical I

said to Barbara,

She

said,

Michael

can only trust you mean

have trouble with ethical decisions.'

crazy.'

the video machine. There

twirling strands of blonde hair, 'Hi.

My

and he

was

slid in

a

woman,

strand. She said, 'You're putting

me

I

be real

do

that?

twirled another

on?'

Michael gave her a smile of devastating

Why would

I'd

your picture sometime soon.'

The woman was blousy and maternal. She

I've ever seen.'

alone,

next to her, saying

name's Michael. I'm a photographer and

interested in taking

crazy?

in the theoretical

sense.'

'I

'You are left

'I

You have

the

sincerity. 'Are

you

most beautiful mouth

30

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

'You

A

MAP

really think so?'

'Of course.' 'Really?'

know

'You 'I

had

know?

I

I

think

so.'

a silicon injection in

my

wanted

Ava Gardner.'

'And you

to look like

lower

'You

do,' said Michael.

lip.

To make

really do.'

He

it

swell,

you

asked for her

phone number.

He said, 'Let me tell you enough women aren't saying no, you're

Michael came back to the something, Richard.

If

table.

not asking enough women.'

We drove on. The landscape became cracked, bleached, wild. We passed a military airfield and a graveyard for wrecked cars. 'Welcome poor boys' was sprayed fence.

The

car's air-conditioner

mountains were barely off the

visible

"Madonna",

right,

white on a corrugated iron

hummed

at full

tilt

and distant

through the heat-haze.

We

turned

the idea.

'Nous sommes The swimwear range is

and I'm going

to shoot Barbara next to

highway and onto

a rock-strewn track.

arrives^ said Michael. 'This called

in

is

He pointed. About fifty yards away in the desert there was a

that'

statue of Christ, wearing white robes, hands spread wide in a

gesture of supplication. I

was about

to say

it

'Is

that a boss idea or what?'

came

into the 'or what' category

Barbara said 'Genius', and opened the door. took

my

A

when

rush of hot air

breath away.

Michael

set

up

his

branches and leaves

camera

in the

like bayonets.

shade of a tree with twisted I

sweated. The lack of noise

was eerie. Sky, rocks and sand melted into the same colour, a washed-out

blue. Dragonflies

hovered and a

silver jet

thin,

boomed

overhead, cracking the silence.

Barbara turned on the radio and climbed into the back of the car.

She started to undress.

'You're gonna do

it

'How do you want

like you're

making

this?'

she said.

out.'

'Making out?' 'Yeah. Like you think he's pretty cool, like you really, really, really

want

to fuck this Jesus guy.'

DIVING Barbara stood

31

/

in front of the Christ, she pressed her breasts

against His waist and thrust a knee towards His crotch, she rested

her head on the entreating palm of one of His hands and kicked a

gold-spangled

stiletto

toward the other. That's

nice,'

said

Michael, crouched over a Hasselblad. Sweat dribbled on his chin.

That's

nice.

But

let's

have some more.

Barbara moistened her

Do

it,

do

it

for me.'

slowly with her tongue, as

lips

if

preparing to receive communion. She embraced the Christ. She

Him, moving her

caressed

pelvis against His thigh with a slow,

grinding motion. Michael called, 'Beautiful, beautiful,

have

all

mouth

the luck.' She crushed her

leaving red lipstick stains like stigmata. Michael baby,' and sent I

me

more

to the car for

found some boxes

in the

some guys

against the Christ's hip,

murmured, 'Oh,

film.

boot of the Mercedes and brought

them back. Michael was now shouting, 'Cream, baby, cream over Jesus for me.'

asked

me

'Where

to bring is it?' I

'Don't bother I

He snapped a him

roll

all

of film into the camera, and

a lens cap.

said.

me now,' said Michael. 'In the front somewhere.'

trudged back to the car, reflecting that running errands for a

who was

five-foot-nothing photographer

foot-something bunny relic

encouraging a

six-

simulate orgasm with a religious

girl to

had not been quite what

I

had

in

mind when

I

flew to Los

Angeles.

Michael

said,

That's got

it.

It's

a wrap.

As

my friend Bobby de

Niro would say, "Finito".'

'You don't need the 'Lens cap?

lens cap?'

Who said anything about a lens cap?' He unscrewed 'Lend a hand here, will you,

the camera from the tripod.

Richard?' I

film

found the camera

case, gave

it

to him,

and picked up empty

boxes from the sand.

'You know Robert de Niro?'

'We went bowling up a hand with the 'Course,

I

together.

first

two

don't see him as

Me

and Bobby,' he

said,

holding

fingers locked together, 'like that.

much

as

I

did. He's

become what they

32

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

call a recluse.

we

But

used to hang out a

one about the

that movie, the

MAP

A

when he was making

lot

priest.'

'True Confessions.'

That's the one. it.

One of those movies didn't have any women

That's gotta be a mistake. That's

Find a beautiful

was

I

woman and

angry

It slid

a

movie

is all

about.

point a camera at her.'

retrieving a lens filter

something move.

what

in

from the sand when

saw

I

beneath a clump of tumbleweed with an

rattle.

'Snakes,'

I

squealed.

'Diamond-back. Usually they come much

bigger.'

'Poisonous?'

'Oh yeah,' said Michael. 'But that one only

bites

when it's good

and mad.' I'd

seen

it; it

had seemed good and mad

'The Indians thought

them

in cages,

used the

it

was bad luck

venom

to me.

to kill them.

They kept

as a sexual stimulant,'

informed me, his face twisting into an obscene

Michael

'Keeps the

leer.

lollipop hard.'

Barbara had changed again, back into jeans and a T-shirt. She

wiped sweat from her face with a towel and asked what the

fuss

was about. saw

'I

A

a snake.

huge bloody snake.'

This was some idea of yours, Michael,' she

'My

speciality.'

'Let's go, this place

went past with 'Sure,' said

my

suck

said.

a

is

giving

me

the creeps,'

I

said.

Another

jet

boom.

Michael. 'But

first

I

thought Barbara might

like to

penis.'

'You thought what?' Michael looked

at

me

as

though I was trying

his patience.

'You

heard me. One, Barbara. Two, laughing equipment. Three, round

my and

lollipop.' I

He counted

off the points

on

his

hand. 'Seems

fair,

won't be needing the snakes' venom.'

'You're out of your mind.'

'Don't say that.

It

doesn't really worry you, does

it,

Richard?'

DIVING

33

/

'You're out of your bloody, fucking mind.'

'Don't say

that.'

Barbara watched with an amused smile. 'He's not out of his

mind,

just

an asshole,' she

'Don't you

said.

start.'

'You're an asshole, Michael.' 'I

am

not an asshole.'

'A-S-S-H-O-L-E,' she spelled.

Michael sighed and shielded

his eyes against the glare.

radio Patsy Cline sang, i love you honey,

He

love your tfwto-mobile.'

He

said, 'Fine. That's fine.

looked

I'll

get

at

me.

I

He

looked

On

the

money,

love your

I

at Barbara.

back into the car and leave you

And the snakes.' moved towards him. 'You jerk.'

both to the sun. I

He held up a warning finger. mister,

My

'Don't mess with me.

and the horse you rode in on.' mind screened possible scenarios.

forward, dropping

Michael off his

feet,

wasn't bad. Then

about

lasting

clutching

my

my

five

I

I

shoulder, swinging

I'll

fuck you

imagined stepping

my

fist

and knocking

being greeted by Barbara as a hero. That one

remembered

the fights I'd been in, usually

seconds and ending with

groin. So, a rewrite:

me

me on

the floor,

swinging as planned, but

Michael bobbing away, grinning as he crunched a pointy snakeskin boot into find

my

balls

and moved

Barbara swinging back her foot and

in for the kill,

letting

him have

only to it

in the

stomach. Air would explode from his stomach with a whoosh

and he would

fall

would be bemused. head and survey the

to his knees. His expression

Barbara would then deliver a chop to

his

remains, pronouncing 'Out cold.' Long-legged Barbara, un-

expectedly revealing herself to be a kung-fu expert, would to the rescue.

'Stop

it,

I

drew back my

come

fist.

you two,' said Barbara, pushing between

us.

'Hold

it

there.'

Michael was laughing. your friend think he

movie

idol?'

He

is?

patted

'Tell

me, Barbara,' he

John Wayne

me on

at

said.

'Who does

Iwo Jima? Or some other

the cheek. 'England wants to be a

34

/

hero.

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES Never mind. Maybe

he'll get

MAP

A

the chance. But not today.'

announced that he was going back

to LA.

getting a ride, he said, because England

He

England was not

had been so

aggressive.

Barbara could do what she wanted. She could go back with him, or stay with Lawrence of Arabia in the desert.

'Fuck

He

off,

It

was up

to her.

Michael,' she said.

shrugged.

I

shuffled

my

feet

on the

He

hot, coarse sand.

stashed equipment in the back of the car and drove away. 'Ass-

was a second-class photogame player who always wanted to feel in control. Who needs that macho shit? she asked. We were stranded. I didn't mind. The situation had potential. Barbara said we should walk back to the main road and hitch a lift. That wasn't what I had in mind. I suggested we could perhaps wipe,' she shouted. She said Michael

grapher and a

first-rate jerk, a

take off our clothes and screw right there in the desert. Jesus could

watch. She said, Besides,

I

'If

the snakes didn't get us, the scorpions would.

hate to fuck out of doors.

gross to the pores of

my

It

does something totally

skin.'

She picked up a blue-and-gold bag with 'Los Angeles Rams' on the side

and headed

off

down

the rock-strewn track, telling

Michael had done something

like

this

stranded outside Las Vegas. She'd had to hotwire a car. easy,' she said.

'Mom made my

sister

me

leaving her

before,

and me take a

'It

was

lesson.'

In hotwiring a car?

woman,' she

'She's a very far-sighted

said.

'Did she remarry? After your father died?' 'Yeah.'

'What's your stepfather

'Mom's husband? He's

We

like?'

a professional weight-lifter.'

climbed a dusty path to the highway. The heat

breathless.

A

stretched Lincoln limousine with

went past on the boiling tarmac, then four teenagers shouting and hurling beer cans.

A

in a pick-up,

and wore

through a mirage, and stopped. The driver was

fat

ride,'

I

me

truck lunged and swayed

greasy blue overalls. 'Strange place to be hitching a

and Barbara informed him

left

smoked windows

he said,

was from England. That seemed

to

DIVING explain

'Never met no one from there didn't need a saliva

it.

he said.

we

/

We were passing through

Michael stared

in front

a

town

called Riverside

moved slowly on

passed the Mercedes which

35

test,'

when

the inside lane.

of him, grasping the steering wheel so

A

hard, his knuckles were white.

black swimsuit was wrapped

samurai-style round his head and he had a hunting knife clutched

between

Barbara and

his teeth.

laughed.

I

looked

asked her to come back with

I

at

me

each other, and

to the hotel.

She said, 'Why not?'

Gregory the desk clerk was Japanese

tourists.

room

Gregory as he stood beneath an

'This,' said

the precise spot

'is

Joanne Woodward In the

lobby with a group of

There were about forty of them and they

brandished cameras. iron chandelier,

in the hotel

in 1957.'

Newman met

where Paul

Barbara and

made

I

for the

lift.

she looked out of the window. She said she had

Mad Max The Road Warrior five times and she thought Mel Gibson was just the best. placed my hands on her waist and seen

I

kissed the back of her neck. She turned, pressing her lips against

mine, running slender fingers lay

Her

on the bed.

down

explored a route

thigh to salty cunt.

down my

We

arm.

undressed and

nipples were like peach-stones.

My

tongue

her body, past breasts, across belly and

We fucked.

was

I

lost to her reaction, lost to

the honking traffic sounds that drifted up from Sunset, lost to

everything.

sprung to said (as

I

couldn't believe this was happening.

I

life.

I

was, actually,

in

remember it) 'That was

A

fantasy had

a movie. Afterwards Barbara

so nice' and

I

lay unable to sleep,

with her beside me, breathing regularly, head resting on the crook of her arm.

I

watched the rhythmic rise and

had happened. I

I

had made

couldn't keep

bag was on the bright off the

was: comb,

still. I

chair.

tile floor,

I

it

fall

of her shoulder.

It

happen.

got up to go to the bathroom. Barbara's

picked

it

straining

lipstick, eye-liner,

up.

The bathroom

my eyes.

I

underwear

light

shone

opened the bag. Here (it

was

clean), Cali-

fornia driver's licence, a crinkled black-and-white of a couple in their late

twenties on a lake in a small boat (parents?), a

36

/

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

paperback

titled

Marcus. Inside

Rich

this

Is

face

was

had to

I

about Barbara asleep

stretch the

have expected.

went back

band

I

to

The green

away.

My

make

the velvet ears

fit.

I

pulled on

pinched

less

than

I

would

feet.

at the foot of the bed,

stirred slightly in her sleep.

Outside a police siren

Los Angeles,

Bunny Richard.

stilettos

bedroom and stood

into the

watching as she

in

feet

hadn't realized Barbara had such big

went whoo-whoo-whoo.

was

bed a few

which were elastic, and then the corset, which was snug

across the chest.

I

in the

in

London, about Michael

and drawn.

tired

the tights,

Neiman-

Better and a plastic bag from

bag was Barbara's Bunny costume. I looked

the mirror, thinking about Jane back in in the desert,

MAP

A

I

I

fingered the

pom-pom on my

was transformed,

I

had

arse.

I

finally arrived:

PART

2

Coming Together

'I

look like

Jewish.'

like

Cary Grant,' said David

Takowsky was

a big

Hollywood

S.

Takowsky,

agent. Barbara

'but

had got

me his phone number. 'Patterson thinks he's a real powerful man,' Barbara had said. 'Patterson thinks he can be real useful to you.' said, 'Patterson thinks

.

.

and she'd

.'

just said, 'Yeah,

about these things, he's cool, he's thinking of your

Takowsky and I met

for breakfast in the mall at

I'd

he knows

interests.'

Brentwood. By

10 a.m. the heat was building and on San Vicente the pinkflowering coral trees were motionless.

Dutch's Deli and ordered coffee.

when

a

man

I'd

I

took a table outside

been waiting for a few minutes

strode through the mall, suave and tanned and

face creased in a confident smile, wearing an suit

and a blue

silk tie.

Takowsky. He looked

He shook my store. 'Catch

his entire

you

His nose was sharp and beaky.

like

hand,

someone across the

immaculate grey

silk

was

Cary Grant, but Jewish.

sat,

mall, a

It

tall,

and stood immediately, waving to

woman in a white hat outside the book

later, Legs,'

he called. His accent was cultured,

demeanour suggesting smooth.

40

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

That was

Legs,' he explained.

you think you might be able That's the

idea,'

I

He

London. 'Oozy Suicide' was

smiled: Legs. 'So

I

to write movies?'

sex.

copy of a

a

written with a friend in

I'd

a girl-buddy horror story.

and gore and

lots of splatter

smiled,

and pushed towards him

said,

'Oozy Suicide' which

script called

MAP

A

We

sold

There was

to an English

it

producer with an Elvis Presley quiff and a face that hideously

He hired an American director who told us:

resembled a rodent.

'I

know what you boys are up to. I've got your number. You've goddam lesbian art movie.' He told us he had hired

written a

another writer. in

We were off the picture. Two months later he got 'Goddam new

writer. He's

these truly awful lines, just to sabotage

my project.'

touch again. This time he told us:

putting in

We

all

were back on the picture. Another month

tax shelter.

The

film

the screen trade.

I

one

after that,

of the backers pulled out, removing his investment to a

Bermuda

was never made. Thus: my experience

told

Takowsky

nothing.

It

seemed

in

shrewd

a

move.

Takowsky was

saying,

don't have to

'I

tell

you how tough

it is

The trouble with Los Angeles is that everyone's got the best story in the world. Not only that, everyone to break into screenwriting.

wants to be Larry Kasdan, everyone wants

Even

my

to be

John Hughes.

manicurist has written three screenplays.

Now

you've

got an angle.' 'I

do?' This sounded encouraging.

'Your angle

is

that you're English. Unfortunately,' he con-

tinued, smiling, 'the

main

virtue of that particular angle

English in England. Like Robert Bolt.

Or David

Lean.

is

being

Out

here

you're just another hustler, with a cute accent.'

A waitress smile.

He

arrived and poured coffee.

said,

'However,

I

Takowsky gave

long as you understand that what counts for culture industry

is

her that

might be able to work with you so

something which the kids can

dig.

in this

Something high

concept.'

'High concept?' 'High concept.'

He

explained about high concept.

It

was

COMING TOGETHER something which involved sex, or or

authority,

the

destruction

like a cinch,'

I

41

Sting, or the defiance of

of valuable

absolutely massive scale, and preferably

'Sounds

/

all

property on

an

four.

said.

Til read your script,' he said, viewing the

page with

title

me a call when you get a clue about some take a meeting. And remember

obvious suspicion. 'Give ideas.

Perhaps we'll

'High concept,'

I

.'

.

.

said.

The woman from Garland Realty was small and

trim, with

curling blonde hair and high heels beneath her Calvin Klein jeans.

She had a squint and a tiny dab of

women

lipstick

on her eye

tooth.

Her

name was Judy.

All the

Judy, she said,

avoided confusion. She pulled up outside a blue

it

at

Garland Realty were called

concrete prefab on Venice Boulevard, about half a mile west of

Culver City. She said, 'This

now. A real An abandoned

right

door, rusting.

I

we have

the cheapest apartment

sweet deal at $700 a month.'

barbecue leaned drunkenly against the front

pushed

leather shoulder

is

it

aside

and Judy reached into her black

bag for the keys.

Inside, the living

room was

low,

dark and bilious, carpeted with frayed matting and with a kitchen area and red formica breakfast bar at one end. Posters on the wall

depicted Sylvester Stallone: with boxing gloves and bloody cheek, with pick-axe handle and donkey jacket, with mirrored sunglasses and matchstick gripped between angry teeth.

'Who

lived here before?'

'A fan,

I

guess.

Me, I was never really into those boxing movies.

Flashdance was more of a learning experience.' 'Where's the bedroom?' 'This

is it,'

she said, jabbing a stiletto fingernail in the direction

of a leatherette sofa the colour of tomato ketchup, I

'it

pulls

down.'

tugged a handle at the bottom of the sofa and bounced on the

squeaking mattress.

'What about the bathroom?' 'Through

here.'

her clicking heels.

She

set off

down

a

gloomy

corridor.

I

followed

42

LOS ANGELES

/

The bathroom was and bath. and a

WITHOUT

black: black

A

MAP

black linoleum, black sink

tile,

A mirrored black cabinet contained a rust-spotted razor

bottle of Pepto-Bismol so ancient that the pink fluid

mould growing up

dried up, cracked and cratered, with

'Nice bathroom,'

I

said.

Judy wasn't paying attention. She was flushing the

was

saying,

'Ohmigod,

totally awful,

I

swear

was now the side.

I

don't think

I

I

can handle

toilet.

She

this, that's just

think I'm going to barf.'

'What's the matter?'

She pointed.

I

looked into the

toilet.

I

saw

the corpse of an

iguana, about nine inches long, with a scruff of spines around the neck.

The corpse

rose like a nightmare and for a

seemed certain the water would overflow, then the sink

moment

level

and the corpse rotated slowly, tugged by currents.

suggested that

we

it

began to I

could remove the iguana and bring the old

barbecue into action. Judy pressed a handkerchief to her

lips. In

make

a deal,

these circumstances, she said, she

$600

a

month. That was her best

'You don't have anything 'Not I

was prepared

to

offer.

better?'

at this price.'

looked at

my watch. had to get back to Hollywood. Barbara

was meeting me

I

for lunch.

I

hadn't seen her for a few days. She'd

been busy. 'I'll

take

She

said,

it.'

'You

will?'

Los Angeles employer.

London. She said well. This

She said she needed a reference from I

told her

I

had

recently

my

moved from

my previous London employer would do just as

would have been

fine

except that a telegram had

whynonews, it had asked, CALL OFFICE SOONEST OTHERWISE NO ALTERNATIVE BUT TO terminate contract stop. Barbara had stood beside me as I replied: fuck contract stop your magazine lacking fun HUMOUR STYLE FACT HUMAN INTEREST STOP MORE BUNNIES HERE STOP AND SUN STOP ANYWAY IM STAYING STOP. arrived at the hotel the previous week,

The

reference could be a problem,'

another place.'

I

said,

i can always find

COMING TOGETHER

43

/

Judy looked around the apartment, i guess we can make an exception,' she said. 'In this one case.' Barbara collected

me

Mustang, dented

all

applying

talking,

at the hotel.

Her car was

late.

and

as

Barbara

the

radio,

We

trees with tops

drummed long, scarlet nails against the and the Mustang surged through

steering wheel. She hit the gas

red light at Fairfax. 'That should get

A man

a red

distracted,

when the wind whipped it across.

up Sunset, past hot-dog stands and palm

like spider plants.

if

switching stations on

lipstick,

brushing hair from her face barrelled

She was

over. She drove fast

it,'

a

she said.

wolf-whistled from the side of the road. 'You're

beautiful, baby!' he called. 'Sit

on

my

face.'

Barbara said she'd been talking with her father again. They'd

had

a long chat.

He'd told her not

to

worry about Patterson and

me. Everything would work

itself out. It

psychology of the emotions.

moved over and

her shoulders.

I

told her

week

already: last

I

I

was

a matter of the

slid

an arm across

thought everything had worked itself out

at the hotel.

Barbara chewed

at a nail.

She said

she wasn't going to rush into anything. 'I've known Patterson since I

was fourteen years I

old,' she said.

'What do you expect?'

remembered the previous November.

called

My

brother

Todd had

from Beirut. He was working there for Reuters. He had been

kidnapped and held hostage. The kidnappers were teenagers who

AK47s and walked stiffly with pistols thrust down the

brandished

waistbands of their Levis. They snatched him from a restaurant the

Muslim

sector,

drove across the checkpoints.

bundled him into the back of

city, firing

One

of

if

a

gun

barrel to his temple if

and

he moved a muscle.

he liked the films of Clint Eastwood. They

robbed him, then released him. Todd wanted to hear all about life. I

He

asked

looked

me to

my

describe the taste of a pint of Bass.

at Barbara.

I

expected

my

old

life

to be

swept away.

expected passion and excitement and a movie to become I

in

Mercedes and

shots into the air as they sped through

them pressed

assured him he would find his brains in his lap

Another asked him

a

asked, 'Where are

we going

for lunch?'

real.

I

44

/

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

She said,

'My

MAP

A

place.'

We were stopped in a jam outside the Sunset Grill. A man in a wound down

blue Chrysler

his

window and asked

for Barbara's

phone number. Barbara ignored him. I

'With Patterson?'

said,

'He'll

be there,

guess.'

I

I

Patterson sat in front of the

He said

arrived.

I'd

come

I

hadn't expected that.

TV watching a football game, empty

He said nothing when Barbara and when Barbara said who I was and that He was thin and bearded.

beer cans scattered at his I

told her

feet.

nothing

for lunch.

'He's so intense,' said Barbara.

She led

me

to an

gum

Below, there were Sunset where

open window and onto

traffic

trees

moved

and

a steep hill

winding down to

Hot rubber and exhaust rosemary. 'Why do guys get so

slowly.

fumes mingled with the smell of

wound up about

a concrete balcony.

sports?' she said, looking at Patterson. She

explained he was watching a college

game between

the

Bruins and their rivals USC. Patterson had a large bet on

'How

UCLA UCLA.

large?'

'About $5,000.' 'Does he always bet such a

'Whatever he's got.

'You don't

He

team to

UCLA

likes to gamble.'

say.'

Patterson stared at the his

lot?'

TV with

furious concentration, willing

victory, shouting, 'Go, Bruins,

goV Every time

quarterback completed a pass he slammed a

fist

the

into his

palm and whooped. At the two-minute warning he was beaming.

UCLA had the ball, they were five points ahead, they had only to run

down

the clock

and they were on

clover.

But

USC came

late

with a destructive surge, forcing a fumble and crashing upfield for a

touchdown

in the last seconds.

Patterson said nothing.

hurled

it

at the

He

Then he TV. The can

eyes opening wide.

gazed at the screen

in disbelief, his

shrieked, picked up a Coors can hit

and

and bounced away, leaving beery

COMING TOGETHER dribbles across the screen. Patterson

head

in

45

/

slumped down the

sofa,

hands, and began to cry.

'Poor baby,' said Barbara.

'My God,' he

said.

feel as

'I

though

my

parents died.'

'Poor baby.'

onions and 1

make a salad and hamburgers. I chopped remember when United lost to Arsenal in the

helped Barbara

I

said:

'I

979 Cup Final. United were losing, 2-1 then we equalized in the ,

minute.

last

went

Sammy

Mcllroy got the goal.

crazy. Arsenal kicked off

beautiful long pass to Rix

Marx. He humped scored with the

and Brady,

on the

left.

it. I

this great player,

an

his head, sent a

Rix looked

into the penalty area

last

couldn't believe

on the pitch who kept

Irishman, the only one

it

I

like

Harpo

and Allan Sunderland

kick of the game. United

lost.

I

was

devastated for weeks.' 'Barbara. What's this

man

talking about?' said Patterson, his

eyes cold and serious. 'Yes, Richard.

What

was just saying,

'I

are you talking about?' said Barbara.

trying to explain to Patterson.

I

know how he

feels.'

Patterson scowled, and fingered the bread knife.

Barbara

Kim,

said,

'You know what happened

she's the red

bunny, the one

who

at the club yesterday?

lives in that cute

the canal in Venice, she got served with divorce papers.

house by

And

she

never even dates guys. Isn't that a blast? Turns out some friend of hers from high school married this bozo using her name, then ran

away with his car and plastic and money. That's why these guys came looking for her.' 'I was in England one time,' said Patterson, 'and everyone spoke the whole time about going to the loo'

This happened

in Big Springs,

Wyoming. Wouldn't that make

a great movie?' said Barbara.

'Why

own 1

is

that?' said Patterson.

'You guys obsessed with your

assholes or something? Like faggots.'

bit

down on my hamburger, and Barbara offered Patterson He looked glum. She asked how his new script was

the salad.

46

him

going. This cheered the

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

up.

He

said

he had the characters,

first act,

He wanted

it

something

to be

MAP

A

was going

it

now

well: he

had

he just needed the plot.

really scary, like Alien, except

He

with cats instead of a monster from outer space.

even had a

'Apocalypse Miaow'.

title:

'Genius,' said Barbara.

'And

me

this

'Why

I

He

gave

east,

with

got this other great idea,' he said.

'Want

to hear

about

it?'

not?'

about caving.

for a story

'It's

my

morning

a strange look.

dad.

You

I

used to do a

lot

The

about a guy, he's

back

ever done that?'

'Never.' a great sport, real scary.

'It's

story's

going caving one weekend with his wife and his best friend and

two

these

are having a love affair. Like, they're fucking each

other.'

how

Patterson asked

who smeared dry.

I

said

I

He

grinned.

I

liked

it

peanut butter on a

so far. slice

I

glanced at Barbara,

of bread.

My

throat

was

thought the idea was interesting, strong. Patterson said

got better.

it

He

described

how

the three

characters are crawling through a narrow tunnel, with the wife

and lover a

way

little

moved

his

hands to

shadows thrown against the walls by the

indicate the weird

lamps on

ahead. Patterson

their helmets.

faces: plip, plop, plip.

He did effects of water dripping on their He imitated the woman's sexy, husky

voice as she told the lover of her conviction that the husband

had guessed about the spirit of the thing.

He

and then the camera Below, there's

"We

can't go back.

first.

On

At

Patterson generally got into the

'They come away and we

said,

pulls

the edge of nothing. cliff.

affair.

to the

The tunnel comes out

just this terrifying drop.

We're

just

end of the tunnel

see that they've in the

come

to

middle of a

The husband

says,

gonna have to go down. You two

separate ropes."'

this point the lover

man's brains are located noted, so

dumb

should begin to get suspicious. But in his penis.

this

He's so stupid, Patterson

that he just eases himself over the edge

and

COMING TOGETHER moving down,

starts

woman

and the

twenty

feet,

rope

cut, suddenly,

is

asking for

just

and

is

above him watching and then

boom, spinning

he's gone,

47

down some

He's climbed

it.

/

his

into space.

Patterson finished his hamburger, pushing the remains of the

bun between

and chewing with

teeth

his

satisfaction.

He

continued with the story. The lover's scream, he informed me,

would be She

nothing

like

And

ever heard.

I'd

the wife

is

crying now.

hysterical, begging for mercy, her nails bleeding as they tear

is

The camera shows audience understands that he knows

edge of a crack she's found

at the

the husband's face

and the

everything. Moreover, he

control of the situation.

is

He

in the cliff.

gaining sadistic pleasure from his

reaches into his waterproof and pulls

out the biggest hunting knife in the history of the world. It

could

man

slice a

at

twenty paces. With

through the second rope, the one holding Patterson said, the bitch can she's

gonna

fall

camera shows

is

his wife.

Then he just walks away.

hang on and

for thirty seconds. die, just like

the fear

on her

oil

The

and the end

Barbara's head was lowered and she

through a pool of olive

Laughing.

He knows

A minute, tops. And then

her lover.

face,

gleams.

husband saws

the

it

It

slid a

last thing the

credits roll.'

wedge of tomato

on her plate. Patterson sipped beer and

He

seemed pleased with himself.

suggested

I

could perhaps

audition for the part of the lover should his story ever be filmed.

He

thought that would be

Later,

nifty.

on the balcony with Barbara,

I

said: 'Patterson's quite a

joker.'

She

I

said, 'Isn't

he

just the greatest?'

checked out of the hotel. The

bill

came

to $2,653.74.

I

whether a discount couldn't be allowed. Gregory told forget the seventy-four cents

and offered

a

lift.

'I'm not

now and

about fucking,' he 'We've given

it

said,

it's

seven months since

tweaking the ends of

up, like animal

We arrived at the apartment.

to

Malouf

we even his

me

coming on

or anything like that. I've lived with a guy called Pagan for three years

asked

talked

moustache.

fats.' I

tore

down

the Stallone posters.

48

/

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

That man has went

holding

'I

a fence-post,' said

Gregory, and

at

it

when

I

arm's length, pinched between thumb and

watched with an expression of

forefinger, he

saying,

IQ of

bathroom and removed the dead iguana from the

into the

toilet,

the

MAP

A

guess this could be worse.

It

distaste.

could be

in

He

sighed,

Inglewood.'

room white and pinned up a loved that map. It was coloured in soft tints of street map. yellow, brown and orange. Santa Monica was in the West, Pasadena to the North, Pomona to the East and Anaheim to the South. The ocean was a pale blob on the left and the freeways The next day

painted the living

I

I

were red ribbons

like arteries.

Local street names were Overland,

Culver, Keystone, Coolidge, Matteson, Milton, Jefferson, Keats,

Madison, Westwood,

Aletta,

Prospect,

Empire,

Fairbanks,

Pickford, Garfield, Garbo, Gable, Leigh, Watseka, Tijuana,

Oregon, Lasalle- Mexican names, French names, English names, historical

names, names of poets and presidents and movie

stars,

dream names. I

wrote for bus timetables and explored the area. The

studios were round the corner, with buildings

named

MGM

after

Judy

Garland and David O. Selznick. There was a Ralph's supermarket and a Mexican bar called

on the roof and

satellite dish

the parking

lot. It

looked

a

'El

As de Oros' with

like a place

huge

a

Plymouth station wagon on

fire in

mothers would warn

their

children about.

On

Washington Boulevard there was a second-hand bookThe owner was black and middle-aged. He had a thick neck and rimless glasses. He smoked a cheroot that smelled of oranges. He told me, 'Yeah, there was this guy, some kinduvva TV evangelist up in Denver, used to come to LA once a week to record a show. One night these motherfuckers came looking for him, dressed like Klansmen but wearing real cheap robes. The shop.

guy had been saying that blacks and whites were equal

in the face

of God. Bad move. Real bad move. These other guys were not of that opinion.

Ripped him with

pop models you

a

machine gun, one of those soda-

see in the sports classifieds, advertised by a

delectable in a bikini.

Zipped him

in

two seconds, Ba-bmg, Ba-

COMING TOGETHER

/

49

bong. Whole thing went out on late night TV. Those guys come

me

looking for

Penney

shit.

'Right,'

I

only hope they're not wearing that cheap

I

want designer robes, man.'

said.

I

JC

It

appeal to Patterson.

was

a terrifying story.

imagined him blasting

I

pop machine gun, accompanied by

thought

I

at

me

with a soda-

several bikini delectables,

my head, my chest, my mad eyes as Barbara and

laughing as he sprayed bullets at

imagined him smiling with

would

it

all

penis. I

I

hung

beneath him, grasping a knife and sawing through the rope with decisive strokes, Ba-bing, Ba-bong.

'Do you have

a phone?'

'Ship's Diner,' left,

I

was

went

I

asked the

man

he said. 'Right across the

into the restaurant,

and

in the

bookstore.

street.'

called Barbara. She said

it

difficult to talk.

is Patterson there?'

i can't say anything

OK?'

'Are you 'Call

me

'Listen.

right now.'

in a I

couple of days.'

had

this

marvellous idea.

Mexico? Get away from 'Call

me

i

we go

to

I'd like to see the bridge.'

really can't talk right

sat in a

don't

at the club.'

'Or San Francisco.

I

Why

it all.'

now,' she said, and hung up.

booth and read the paper.

I

thought about what was

happening with Barbara. Things were not working out as planned.

On

ment

Bernard Garcia, Plastic and Reconstruction Surgeon.

for

page

thirty-six of the

LA

Times was an advertise-

From an office high in the eight thousands on Wilshire Mr Garcia offered Nose Improvement, Tummy Alignment, Ear Restoration, Collagen for Wrinkles, Breast Rejuvenation and Penis Harmonizing. Perhaps it's time, said Mr Garcia, to make that beautiful change I

in

called

make

your

life.

Takowsky. He had read my

a reasonable lesbian art movie.

ideas.

'Some.'

script.

He

asked

He if

I

said

it

would

had any other

50

/

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

MAP

A

'Shoot.'

'A rock star

kidnapped by

is

rescued by a teenage fan, a

ransom and

terrorists, held to

who

girl

has been taught martial arts

by her mother, a widowed rape victim. She can hands. The fan and the star marry and go to

kill

with her bare Colorado.'

live in

'Not bad.' 'A wife wants to murder her husband. But she's clever. She incriminates

him

for a murder.

He

goes to the chair, she gets the

insurance.'

'How

does she swing the incrimination?'

'That idea,'

'Would

the

I

said,

'is

in the

development

company pay out

stage.'

in that situation?'

'I'm not sure.' 'It

sounds pretty half-baked. Nasty, and half-baked.'

Murphy has a sex change, becomes America's

'Try these. Eddie first

female president. Sting becomes an astronaut in a rock'n'

roll

version of The Right Stuff. Princess Diana has nightmares about Prince Charles being taken

dreams become

.

.

.

away by an

monster and the

evil

reality.'

'Keep in touch,' said Takowsky. 'These are not bad ideas,

Not bad at all. But not high concept.'' The cook in Ship's Diner was flipping pancakes. He was lanky and his face was covered in spots. He stared as though I were soft Richard.

in the head.

'Submarine movies,' he

said,

wiping bony, batter-

covered fingers against his apron. 'You should have mentioned

submarine movies.

I've

got this great idea for a plot about the

U-boat war. You know,

Red

lights

and machines going ping

the whole deal for $300.

I

needed a

in the Atlantic.

job.

It

'Mechanical

.

would be

.

.

Convoys. Torpedoes.

ping

.

.

.

ping.

I'll

sell

you

perfect for Harrison Ford.'

Man Wanted' said the sign and

I

went

work at the Wax Museum on Hollywood Boulevard, next to Snow White Coffee Shop. I worked the late afternoon shift, three hours at $15 an hour. It was strange work. The first day arrived early and met Frank. He came off at three, went on at to

the

I

I

three-thirty.

Frank was the chief mechanical man.

No

one cared

COMING TOGETHER

51

/

much about timekeeping, he said, so he took me on a tour of the museum. He laughed at the least realistic tableaux, of which there were plenty. John Wayne resembled a leering child molester. Audrey Hepburn was a wrinkled hag in a mauve dress, too

and

in Poet's

Corner Shakespeare wore a codpiece and had the

awful, staring eyes of a fish

Bob Hope,

too long in the sun. Then came

left

face like an epic case of jaundice, swinging a golf club

and surrounded by white-wigged footmen with candelabras and brocade coats. Frank's favourite, however, was Richard Nixon,

who

grinned at the centre of an assembly entitled

Presidents'. 'Just look at the guy,'

sweating

whore

like a sick

Frank

in church.'

Frank was from Kentucky. His voice was

women

called

He was

'poontang'.

The Great wax he's

said, 'even in

fifty

like

molasses and he

and bald.

A

purple scar

ran in a diagonal across the top of his head. This was the result, he said, of a golfing accident.

was too played

an

all

artist.

with

I

asked for

painful to talk about.

the British

Dressed

silver

a stretch

in

details.

He was

He refused saying it

a fanatical golfer

and had

Open courses. As a mechanical man, he was black tailcoat and bow tie, face gleaming

make-up, he could stand completely still for minutes

at

and an audience would gather on the black concrete

pavement outside the museum, each of them convinced that Frank was a robot. That was the idea of being a mechanical man. I

at

wasn't very good. The

all.

first

time

I

tried

I

couldn't stand

said, 'Son, don't

be thinking about your body at

all.

eyes across the street, don't look at them, not even right

up to your

face

Or Monday

piece of poontang.

night football.

gonna make a fortune. Whatever the After a few days

I

scored

my

first

hell

you

they saw

me now,

the mechanical

I

men

they

come

else.

Some

Or how

little

you're

like.'

success. I'd been a statue for

about three minutes, thinking what friends be doing, and then

Focus your

if

and pop chewing gum up your nose, which

they probably will. Concentrate on something

if

still

My legs twitched. Frank watched from the ticket booth. He

in

England would say

thinking about Barbara and what she might

stepped off the

little

wooden box on which

stood and said, 'Good afternoon,' revealing

52

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

myself

human

after

Children squealed and laughed. Japanese

all.

took pictures.

tourists

been trying to get

I'd

house

MAP

A

touch with Barbara.

in

When

I

tried the

Hollywood Patterson answered, which meant hung up.

in

I

Each time I called the Playboy Club they said she wasn't there and

know how

they didn't

to reach her.

and then one morning Barbara did wanted at six,

to

go for

I

messages with Lorraine

left

call,

saying she and Lorraine

a picnic in Griffith Park.

and they swung by

in the

1

told her to pick

me up

Eldorado, Lorraine beating a

hand against the bodywork, now painted day-glo pink,

jewelled

and saying:

'I've

always wanted to have a pink Cadillac'

'Like in the song?'

'Yeah.'

'What are you doing

at the

Wax Museum

anyway?' said

Barbara. I

said

I

was giving advice on English

who might

characters

be

included in the collection.

Lorraine said, 'You

mean

you're working as a mechanical

man?'

'How

did you

Barbara 'I

said,

know

that?'

'You saw Takowsky?'

wouldn't say that he's a hundred per cent sold on

Takowsky, Bow-wow- wowsky,' screenplay worth $575,000

and

I

he'll

she said.

change

wondered what made her think

I

my

'When you

his mind.'

ideas.'

write a

She smiled,

could write a screenplay

worth $575,000, or a screenplay worth anything

at

all. I

caught

sight of myself in the mirror, looking surprisingly eager.

'Why $575,000?'

I

said.

'You'd be able to buy pink car. in

me

new car,' mused Barbara. 'A new And a fur coat. And that cute house

a

A new pink Jaguar.

Mexico.'

We

on Los Feliz Boulevard. Lorraine rummaged through her bag. She handed me a piece of paper, stopped at a red

saying, 'See

if

light

this doesn't take the bleeding biscuit.'

The paper was embossed with

the

rabbit-head

described their duties at the Playboy Club:

'When

a

logo.

Bunny

It

sets

COMING TOGETHER

/

53

napkins or drinks on the far end of a table, she does not

-

she does "The Bunny Dip". away from the patrons and enables her to give graceful, stylized service. "The Bunny Dip" is performed by arching the back as much as possible then bending the knees to

awkwardly reach across the

table

This keeps her tray

whatever degree knee.'

Next

is

necessary. Raise the

to the instructions

was

left

heel as

a picture of a

you bend the

woman

in a

Bunny costume, smiling and twisted into an S-shape as she this manoeuvre. There was more: it noted that when in view of patrons a Bunny should stand in a slightly exaggerated

performed

model's stance, with legs together, back arched, and hips tucked well under,

and warned that 'The Bunny Perch' should never be

executed too close to where a patron was sitting or on the back of his chair or sofa.

It

was mysterious

stuff.

What was The Bunny

Perch'? Hips tucked well under. Well under what}

'Does someone really

make you do

this?'

'Tina gives us a test once a month,' said Barbara, and described Tina. Tina

was

the boss bunny. She

the other girls arrived assault the patrons.

sounded

like a cross

imagined myself

was the one who made sure

on time, wore clean costumes, and

They had to call her 'The Bunny Mother'. She between Al Capone and The Chicago Bears. I

in Barbara's turquoise

something to tuck

my

bunny

outfit,

hips under, contorting

desperate attempt to perform 'The

Bunny

looking for

my body

Perch' while

Mother Tina looked on, shaking her head, saying wouldn't do at I

didn't

in a

Bunny

that this

all.

said, 'All these rules. That's strange.'

Lorraine said, 'Yeah. But in London

I

worked

at Burger

King

on the Kilburn High Road, £l .50 an hour, eight hours a day. Here I

get a pink Cadillac'

On a bridge above Vermont Avenue there were fly posters for a Tom Waits concert and two men dressed like Jake and Elwood Blues. in a

As we passed under the bridge the men extended

Nazi

salute, shouting 'Adolf lives!'

'Oh wow,' 'He used to

said Barbara. live in

LA,' said Lorraine.

their

arms

54

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

'Who? Adolf

Hitler?'

'That geezer

Tom

Waits.

He moved

A

MAP

to

New York when

scorpion crawled out of the shower plug and

bit

him on

a

the

ankle.'

'Was he

hurt?'

'They rushed him to hospital.' 'It

was

life

and death?'

'It was at the Tropicana Motel.' The car park was rilled with station wagons and Hawaiian shirts wrapped around chunky tourists. Barbara took bottles of wine from the boot and we walked towards a long, low structure

with a blackened copper dome. This was the

in grey concrete

Griffith

Observatory. Below, the

city

was neat squares and

rectangles as far as the eye could see, with the twin towers of

Century City shining

in the

hazy middle distance.

An obelisk was

carved with figures of Galileo, Kepler and Newton. Barbara

smashed

a

wine bottle against the stone. Wine jerked from the

neck and puddled on the ground. 'Forgot the corkscrew,' she said. 'Glasses?'

'Lorraine has them.' I

asked

how

were going

New World one of I

things were going with Patterson. She said they

fine.

He'd won

looked

on

a bet

they were about to

like

his screenplays. 'He's in a real great

looked through a dime telescope.

and

hills,

barbecue.

We said,

'I

sat

my own Look on

apartment.

at this,'

a grassy

I

I

game and pick up an option on

a college basketball

I

mood,' she

said.

saw Barbara's house

in the

could even pick out the rusted

called to Barbara. She'd

moved away.

bank and Lorraine poured the wine. She

got this friend and she used to be on the game.

Knew

this

bloke and what he was into was having her stand over him with a

whip and forcing him floor

to lick her place clean, going

and furniture with

his

tongue

like

he was a vacuum cleaner.

That was what she called him. The Hoover.' 'That's sick,' said Barbara. 'It's

deranged.'

round the

COMING TOGETHER 'It's

psycho.'

'It's

.

'Isn't

/

55

.the other sex.'

.

Barbara, and stared in

just the truth,' said

it

my direction,

me over as though were something she'd caught and now wished to return to the water. Lorraine asked about the

looking

I

magazine

I'd

worked

London. She'd never heard of

for in

gave her the scoop.

it.

I

her about rock-star interviews,

told

I

crusading news pieces, police busts, wild drug and booze orgies

who demanded

and mentally subnormal management

women

stories featuring

'Of course,'

I

said.

'I

in

wet

cover

T-shirts.

virtually ran the place.' Lorraine

looked

bored.

A man rubbery

He was about

threw himself on the grass.

and a

lips

on

curl of black hair

resembled Marlon Brando playing Caesar, gone to seed. 'Do you

his

fifty,

with

forehead.

Mark Antony

He

in Julius

know what happened thirty-one 'Do youV

years ago today?' he said, gazing at Barbara.

'What's that?'

He

I

said.

ignored me. 'Thirty-one years ago today,' he said, raping

Barbara with bloodshot eyes, 'James Dean

'You don't

died.'

say,' she said.

remember like it was yesterday. I remember like it was the day Kennedy was shot. I was outside a liquor store in Neptune, New Jersey, and I heard it on the car i do

radio.

I

say,'

he

said.

'I

drove across country without stopping to be here for the

funeral. I've seen

Rebel Without a Cause

nothing about that movie which 'It's 'It's

He

a pretty

good movie,'

I

fifty-nine times.

do not

There

love.'

said Barbara.

a perfect movie.'

told us his

teenage actor.

name was

He

Freddy. In the 1950s he had been a

appeared

in several

movies. Then television

began to destroy Hollywood and Paramount didn't pick up option.

same

is

his

He said, 'Jimmy and me got out of the industry about the They dropped me three days after he died in the

time.

wreck.'

Now he collected movie memorabilia. Occasionally there

were exhibitions.

56

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

'Any money

in that?'

A

MAP

asked Barbara.

do OK.'

'I

'What's the most valuable thing you've got?' 'I'd

never

Giant,

in

$10,000

I

I

sell

any of

this stuff.

But the Stetson that Dean wore

guess that must be worth a buttload of money,

guess.'

Lorraine explained that she'd had a James Dean poster on her

bedroom wall when she was

thirteen years old. 'He

sexiest bloke I've ever seen,' she said.

was

the

Freddy smiled as though

he'd discovered long-lost loved ones, and invited Lorraine and

Barbara to a party where Jack Nicholson was going to 'Nice of you, Freddy,'

I

said, 'but we're all

be.

going out to dinner.'

'The party sounds neat,' said Barbara. 'The party sounds

brill,'

said Lorraine.

The party sounded like a nightmare. Freddy beamed at me. 'Seems like you lost said. 'But I guess you can come along too.' I

went with Freddy. He drove

Camel were strewn on

the primary,' he

a shit-brown Buick. Packs of

the dashboard.

We headed down through

the park, the Eldorado following close behind.

'Crazy chicks,' he said. lit it.

He bumped a cigarette from a pack and

'You friendly with the English one?'

'The other.' 'Strange,

English.

I

I

kinda had you figured for the English chick.

sensed some kind

between you guys.

On

of,

some kind of

a psychic level.

real

You being

communication

Know what

I

mean?'

knew what he meant. 'And how well do you know her?'

I

said

I

'Which one?' 'Your one?' 'Pretty well.'

'Like really well?' I

said nothing,

and Freddy mulled

Buick off Los Feliz and onto Western.

you never

really

bummer. What

know anyone, a total

this over. 'I

know

right? Like really

bummer.'

He

turned the

that one.

I

mean,

know. What

a

COMING TOGETHER He held up bungalonely,

briefly

human

the mingled

in

bungaloafing, in

it

and pointed through

'Check those bungalows. Sometimes

windscreen.

the

hand, studied

his left

drove, and

some bungalotus grove/ 'It's a poem.

Freddy was way ahead of me. the back of right

my

57

/

I

get

long for

I

written

on

hand,' he said. 'You think I'm crazy? That's

all

by me. Juju worship

in

got

it

Hollywood.'

Freddy swung the Buick to the

left

have been uprooted from somewhere stop in a courtyard.

I've

through an arch that might

We came to a

in the Orient.

He said this was where he lived. He wanted to He had a chest complaint. He was allergic

pick up his medication.

to Chinese elms, he said,

yards

away from

and he happened

the only

to live a

known Chinese elms

Southern California. 'When the Santa Anas blow, could

live

somewhere

else.

But

few hundred

whole of

in the I

suffer.

Guess

I

rarely venture to the west side,

I

my bicycle. Wanna come in?' What I wanted was Freddy out of my life, but I said nothing. As

only to collect parts for

I

opened the car door the Eldorado pulled up behind. Lorraine

and Barbara were taking turns to swig from a Freddy I

said, 'Cool.

Here are the

ran to the Eldorado.

leave immediately. fruitcake

more

I

I

chicks.'

told Barbara

had a bad

and Lorraine we should

feeling.

At best Freddy was

who wished that time had stopped in

likely,

I

bottle of bourbon.

1955.

It

a

was much

thought, that he was another character with a

fondness for the long, sharp hunting knife. 'Oh, Richard,' said Barbara, 'don't be so uptight,' and strode Freddy.

He opened

inside.

followed.

I

down

a path

towards

bungalow and beckoned her

the door of a

The room was painted blood-red. Furniture and carpet were the same colour and red blinds eliminated daylight. It was like walking into someone else's body. 'Just think of him,' said Freddy in a quiet voice. 'Thirty-one years

An entire wall was covered wrecked Porsche

in

which Dean

by a red neon sign flashing, /e£

On

a table

was

ago today.'

by a blown-up photo of the twisted

.

.

.

died.

Another was illuminated

Rink, Jet

a three-foot-high

.

.

.

Rink, Jet

James Dean

.

.

.

Rink.

doll, cigarette

58

/

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

dangling from the

lips,

which Freddy said was Very

more valuable than

valuable', perhaps even

Giant which,

I

rare, very

the Stetson from

saw, was in a corner on an altar table next to a

framed icon of the

with the words 'James Dean,

star, inscribed

1931 - His

born Fairmount, Indiana, Electric candles

MAP

A

surrounded the

Freddy moved to and

Flesh Will Never Die'.

altar table, flickering red light.

towards items

fro, gesturing

in his

Here was Sal Mineo's knife from Rebel, here was a box from East of Eden, here was a handkerchief which Elizabeth Taylor had used in Giant. He handed me a book. collection.

lettuce

He said,

'Unique edition of the screenplay for Rebel Without a

Cause.'

'The covers

feel strange,'

Freddy grinned: 'Bound

We

were

said,

I

in

in a polished steel

Santa Monica Boulevard.

I

thought Freddy had been

and they

human

did,

warm and

silky.

skin.'

railway car converted to a bar on

asked Barbara

how dangerous

she

She said nothing. Lorraine

really.

laughed so hard she choked on her Bloody Mary. 'You should

have seen Richard when he came out of that jacket

was flapping up by

his head. 'I

He

looked

wasn't staying,'

place,' she said. 'His

His eyes were popping out of

his ears.

like a terrified bat.' I

said. 'That bloke

Freddy had both paddles

out of the water. Big league madness.'

'Shame about that party, though. Jack Nicholson, nearly".

Barbara in the

it

skimming

to

like a frisbee

The plate curved

I

can only say, "I met

LA is just a nightclub.

'Sometimes I think

morning and nobody wants

She sent wrist.

said,

Now

'

go home.' She took a

and smashed against the a

bar. She picked

man who had

up another just

Heads turned. The barman reached 'Jesus. What did you do that for?'

plate.

This

come through

door. Barbara said, 'Let's party.'

hate this town.'

plate.

with a smooth action of the

past three or four people's heads, hovered

one struck the chest of

'I

four

It's

for a phone.

the

COMING TOGETHER 'You're always telling

me how much you

Barbara turned sideways

began to

cry.

I

in the

/

59

love LA.'

booth and faced the wall. She

asked what was the matter and she said nothing.

I

thought: what next? Perhaps Barbara would announce she was

Cleopatra reincarnated and had to catch the midnight Cairo.

It

had been

A man loomed was nearly seven a

Bon

was

over me, pungent with the smell of sweat.

feet tall

and

plate, pal?'

Lorraine rang the next day. to

Maui

for

fist

descended on

he said. His voice

I

He

wobbling belly was restrained by

a statement rather than a question.

had flown

me

his

Jovi T-shirt. His ham-like

'You throw that

flight to

a confusing night.

was

at the

He

my

made

shoulder.

it

clear this

advised us to leave.

Wax Museum.

Barbara

two weeks. She had asked Lorraine

to give

the message.

'MauiV 'It's 'I

in Hawaii.'

know where

it is.'

sorry she couldn't get in touch with you.

'She's

assignment, came up at the last minute.

One

It's

an

of the other girls

dropped out. Barbara said you'd know the photographer.' 'Michael?' 'That's the geezer.' 'Is

this for real?'

Lorraine said

Cooder

it

was

for real,

and asked

at the Palace later in the

'Barbara's crazy about you,' she said.

had

I

He had

know Los a

Angeles.

wanted

I

to see

Ry

free tickets.

asked what evidence she

pockets, and he skin.

I

got to

know one

my

of

neighbours.

wispy goatee beard and hair which stood up

There were bags beneath

'I

I

to support this assertion.

got to

He

if

week. Chuck had

wore very pointed shoes made from

He looked like he had walked off the set of a

introduced himself one night, asking

have these

vertically.

his eyes the size of snooker-table

rats in

my

if

I

had any

apartment,' he said.

alligator

beatnik movie. rat poison.

He had

a deep,

60

LOS ANGELES

/

WITHOUT

MAP

A

'Lemme tell you about these rats. They're huge and

rasping voice.

dark, they're massive and subtle. I've beaten them over the head,

put broken bottles in their holes and

I've

poison

I

I've fed

them with the

got until they're fat like Elizabeth Taylor.

Maybe there's

something wrong with the poison. They

Maybe

these are special animals.

come back for more. A new breed of super rat. You just

got any rats?' 'No,'

I

said, 'iguana.'

'Iguana,' he said, examining a scuff

on the point of one of

his

shoes. That's an angle.'

My

neighbour was called Wallace Moss.

trying to get a record contract.

I

He was

a musician,

went with him to buy some beer

from the Davy Jones Liquor Locker on Sepulveda.

was nine at night and a cool breeze came off the ocean. He said, 'I was down on the beach a coupla days back, in Venice, and I saw this

woman,

bald

this totally

woman, and I'm

you she'd

telling

She had pages of the Examiner wrapped round her

was

a bottle of sour

"Raindrops

.

.

ya pig, ya fuckin cunt

my eyes will seems to

fit

.

mash

in

ya fuckin mother

.

.

.

.

.

fucker."

keep

fallin

but that doesn't

mean

And

.

.

.

in quite that

lost

it.

and there

.

.

on .

.

.

my head .

ya fuck

red

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

nothin

then she just went out. Keeled over

right in the street. Bang. I've never heard

Bacharach song

legs

her hands. She was singing,

soon be turnin red ya fuckin fuck .

It

way

before.

It

you know. That's what I want to do, end up write a song that becomes part of the

life

anyone

treat a Burt

made

real for

it

me,

as a part of the fabric,

that goes

on around me.

Then I'll die happy.' The Davy Jones Liquor Locker was like a fortress, with a massive steel door, bars on the windows, and a security guard with a revolver and nightstick at the hip. Moss asked why was in Los Angeles. I told him I'd met a girl. I showed him a picture I

which Barbara and

I

had posed

for in a

Monica. I

said, 'She's engaged. Sort of.'

'To you?' 'No.'

booth on the pier

at Santa

COMING TOGETHER

61

/

'No?' 'No.' 'I

he said. 'How's

see,'

it

going?'

'She's in Hawaii.'

Moss

He He had a

rolled his eyes.

straightened out.

said he thought

I

needed to get

theory about passion.

'It's

this

a disease

two people. Sooner or later one of them turns into a The security guard said he also had a theory about passion. We didn't stay to listen to it. We bought two six-packs of Rolling Rock and went back to my apartment. Moss sprawled on the floor, breathing loudly, bottle poised on his chest. He asked what was the first movie I ever saw. I which

affects

monster.'

thought for a few seconds. 'The

Dam

'First

Busters. British

war movie.

We bomb

the Krauts.'

record you ever owned?'

'Come On. A present from my 'Stones or Chuck Berry?'

brother.'

'Stones. And you?' Moss had liked Johnny Mercer, Jerome Kern, Duke Ellington, T. Rex - the usual crowd. He grew up in Los Angeles, El Paso, Denver, Phoenix and Michigan. His family, like my own, moved

around.

He remembered

lullabies,

and

'Molly

his father singing

Malone', and hearing Mexican dance songs on the radio pick-up they had.

He

in the

always wanted to be a musician. At school

he played a bugle given to him by his father, a Cleveland

Greyhound. He played when the flag was raised in the morning and when it was lowered in the afternoon. He could still

remember the smell of the bugle case: bad eggs and a stale T-shirt. I thought about my own father. I remembered when he owned the second of his garage businesses and drove different car each day.

One day it would be

a

me

to school in a

Sunbeam Alpine, the

next an Aston Martin, the day after that a clapped-out Morris

Oxford. Once

we

rolled

up

in a

only three things mattered in

Daimler hearse.

life:

sex,

Frank Sinatra and

not just any cricket, but Yorkshire cricket.

thought Freddie Trueman was

when my

father

was discovered

He always

God on

He was

earth.

in a fraud. It

I

was

said

cricket,

a fanatic.

was

He

at college

a lot of

money,

62

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

how much,

I'm not sure exactly

open prison near Preston.

I

weight and was unrepentant. prison because he didn't

but a

lot,

MAP

A

and he went

to

jail,

an

saw him there. He'd lost a lot of He was making another fortune in

smoke and could

trade his tobacco

He told me he'd become a sort of me how he'd once stolen Patrick McGoohan's girlfriend. That was in the 1960s, after my mother had divorced him, when McGoohan was a famous actor, star of ration for

sorts of other stuff.

all

prison baron.

He

also told

TV series called Danger Man. My father was in a London and McGoohan came in with a tall and attractive woman, a blonde. McGoohan went to the bar for drinks and my father made his move. He said to the woman: 'You don't want to stay with him do you?' McGoohan came back and was very angry. He wanted a fight. My father said, Tuck off, Danger a secret-agent

pub

in

Man,' and to took the

his surprise

woman to

stayed in bed for fierce, if

Danger

a hotel,

two

Man did precisely that. He then

some place near Regent's Park. They my father, was a matter of

days. Sex, for

sometimes temporary, attachments.

'You got work?' said Moss. He rolled an empty beer

bottle

across the floor.

'Of

sorts.

The Hollywood

Wax

Museum.'

'As a mechanical man?'

'Why does everybody know 'A buddy of mine tried

it.

that?'

He lasted nine days. You had

a job at

home?' 'I

was

'They 'I

fired you?'

didn't

'You I

a journalist.'

tell

just

them when

I

came

here.'

walked out?'

nodded.

'Oh, man,' said Moss. 'Have penis, will

I

had time on

my

hands.

I

went with Moss

Store in Hollywood.

He

Fender Stratocaster,

coal-fire red

He

said he

sat

travel.'

on

a piano stool

and

to Nadine's

and fingered

inlaid with

had dreamed of owning a guitar like

Music a

1959

mother of pearl.

this since

he was a

COMING TOGETHER

/

63

Buddy Holly. He took a plectrum and True Love Ways'. His style was flamboyant rather than accurate. Moss asked when Barbara was coming back from Hawaii. said I wasn't sure. I was trying not to think about it. With Barbara gone, I was not sure what I was doing in Los Angeles. With Barbara gone, I worried about and saw

child

a film of

picked out the chords to

I

money. The news wasn't good.

a

The last time I'd tried my Mastercard it had been confiscated by cashier in Lucky's who looked at me like I was a sex offender

me to several minutes' abuse for trying to use the card while in such massive excess of my credit limit. was scared to use my American Express because hadn't paid a bill in two months. Being a mechanical man barely covered living expenses. had to and treated

I

I

I

find

something for the mornings or evenings, something which

paid

much better. While we'd been me how she once earned $100

told

at the

chateau Barbara had

a night waiting table at the

Hamburger Hamlet on San Vicente. I went there on the RTD bus He was friendly, and showed me his waiting list. It was almost as long as the one for people who wanted to be extras in the new Spielberg movie. I knew about that because I'd

to see the manager.

been to a casting

call at a hotel

on Melrose.

nose like a crushed strawberry had told physical type. that

if

I

A skinny man with a me

I

was

the

wrong

When I'd asked him to elaborate he'd informed me now he would send for security. It was a

didn't leave right

problem.

Moss returned the guitar to and up Vine

a stand.

We walked out of the store

towards Sunset. There was a white concrete

St

building like something ripped from a radio: Capitol Records, said

Moss, they

them

to listen

That's the

A

is

way

still

to

had one of his demo

go

Little

in

and press

a

Anthony and

black Porsche roadster

tapes. 'Only

way

to get

gun to some executive's head. the Imperials did

slid by,

it.'

engine rumbling, with the

'ALL NOW' and a girl at the wheel who looked and Moss groaned, kicking an alligator shoe against an empty Coke can on the pavement. This is no town to be poor. Every minute someone goes by in their registration plate

sixteen years old. She waved,

64

LOS ANGELES

/

dream

car,

with their dream

minute of every day,' he

I

was

WITHOUT

getting the

life,

MAP

A

rubbing your face

in

it,

every

said.

hang of being

a mechanical

man. There were no

more derisive stares. My calves were used to the strain of standing on the box. Frank said that pretty soon I'd be as good as him. Frank was a fan of the Hollywood Press, a seventy-five-cent tabloid which carried outlandish,, scary lonely-hearts messages,

pornographic photos so smudgy and indistinct they might have been beamed from Mars, and sleazy

medicine and

tales of

behind a

room at the Wax Museum. door marked 'Danger - High Explosive', next

Chamber

of Horrors. Frank

murder. There was a

shift,

staff

was

chuckling over this paper.

It

lay

to the

there each afternoon after his

One day

he showed

me

a story:

SURGEON APPALLED BY DRACULA CLAIM

An elderly man who

believed he had been bitten in the neck by

the vampire Dracula while walking his

dog

Park asked a surgeon to drive a stake through

in

Buena Vista

his heart

when

he died, the American Medical Defence Union revealed

John Gordon, an English ex-actor and stunt man, two months ago aged 63, warning that he too would become a vampire and rise from the dead if his instructions were not carried out. The surgeon in the case, Dr Miller Fong, consulted AMDU lawyers who informed him he was under no yesterday.

died

obligation to conform with the macabre request.

The family of

$5m damages. The dead man's daughter, Mary Beth Gordon, said: This was my Dad's final request. It was their duty to comply with it. He knew that evil

John Gordon

is

now

lived in this world.

I

said,

Frank

He

Now he

sent

my

'I

disgracefully.

He

lied to

my

father to Hell.'

That's a great said,

too walks at night, seeking peace

Dr Fong behaved

for his soul. father.

claiming

story.'

love that kind of stuff.'

himself had once been the subject of a

He

revealed that he

Hollywood

Press expose.

COMING TOGETHER He looked at me like he wanted me to tell him I

told

him

I

explained.

robbery.

65

/

didn't believe him.

I

didn't believe him. it's the plain truth,' he said.

Back

He had

Kentucky he had specialized

in

been good

at

it,

made

a lot of

He

armed

in

money. He went

wrong when he started working with the brother of his ex-wife. The family came from Yugoslavia, or one of those Communist Frank

countries,

'Not

said.

Communism, but

the

first

one day we're taking down

I

know

much

this

about

Then

fine.

fancy restaurant in Louisville,

around the time of Derby Day, everything's going as slick

right

you

that

couple of jobs, they went

like,

and suddenly the

kid,

my

as

partner, he's screaming at

everybody, telling them to take off their clothes. I'm looking at

him "What

the kid, asking

the hell's going

on here?" and

he's

holding his automatic to some poontang's head telling her to

remove her

The kid

dress.

mental bugaboo,

is

definitely

like he's flipped^

having some kind of major

and I'm beginning to realize the

way I'm ever gonna get him out of there is if I shoot him and I

only

do that

can't

'cos he's family

and so

shoulder and try to be reasonable.

me in

the nuts. So

hand and the

got my

I've

down

kid's

ass

go over, tag him on the

I

And what does he do? He kicks on the

floor

and

my balls in my some it was

there as well, trying to get himself

spare with this poontang, and the law arrives. Officer said the strangest arrest he ever made.'

Frank said he was Press.

Then he was

home. He would bring them

the cuttings at

wanted. 'Sometimes business,' he said,

gave

reliable,

Hollywood

'if I

in to

He had

show me,

if I

even think about going back into the

He Was he

could find myself the right partner.'

mind was

I

I

thought he meant?

already transformed into Rayner the

Rayner the one with no mental bugaboos, Rayner,

Hold-Up Man? 'I

I

me a sly look. Did he mean what

serious? In his

including the

in all the papers,

in the state penitentiary, for five years.

It

was

could never do

a scary thought.

it,' I

said.

'Son,' said Frank. 'Think

horses' asses than horses.

'The accent. Dead give-away.'

about

it.

In this

world there are more

Which do you want

to be?'

66

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

MAP

A

swimming pools. The first thing the man did was to give me a uniform: white pumps and socks, white Bermuda shorts, white vest and a white I

went

for a job cleaning

nylon zipper jacket with 'Clean Blue Yonder' stitched on the back in

thread coloured azure, like an Italian football

was

called

McCrea. He was

eyebrows and

big,

about

a jutting chin. His chest

6'

shirt.

4",

The man

with bushy

might have been cut to

Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he had the habit of stretching neck forward, as

if

he were about to

Clean Blue Yonder was

start clucking, like a chicken.

his creation.

'You

'we don't have inclement weather here understands that

we

don't want to handle

has given us the sun, and

He

gripped

my

see, Richard,'

God He

Los Angeles.

in it

he said,

emotionally. So

has given us the

swimming

pools.'

shoulder with sausage-like fingers and leaned his

vast head close to mine.

want

He

fit

his

dirt in their

'God

also understands that people don't

swimming pools. That's why he told me to

Clean Blue Yonder.

It's

my

start

mission.'

Clean Blue Yonder was on Sepulveda Boulevard. Opposite was a

monstrous red-brick construct which housed the world's

doormen, and

biggest health club, with uniformed

valet parking.

McCrea's centre of operations was more modest. The building

was

squat, the interior cramped. There

was

a tiny cubicle at the

McCrea stood outside while changed. He said, 'I do a lot of swimming and when see a dirty pool, or one with too much chlorine, or one where the sweep isn't working properly, I get so mad want to take the owner and just stare his ass down. Sometimes get so mad want to hit people. have to ask Him for patience.' back.

I

I

I

I

I

The

cubicle

had

a mirror.

A

I

poster on the wall said: 'Bayside

prophecy -Jesus and Mary speak to the world through Marlene

McCrea'. The poster noted:

'All

who condone

homosexuality,

abortion, shall be destroyed. As Jesus said on June 2, 1979,

"And

who become part of or condone homosexuality shall be destroyed! All who become part of or condone abortion, the murder of the young, shall be destroyed] All who seek to cast out the discipline given by the Eternal Father in the CommandI

repeat again:

all

COMING TOGETHER merits,

The Ten Commandments from your God - they too

be destroyed! All

women who

67

/

shall

disport their bodies in nakedness,

the flesh shall burn."'

As Jesus said ... on June 2, 1979} It seemed that the Son of Galilee had become a vengeful character. The poster warned that devastating earthquakes would soon strike California. I pulled on white shorts and imagined the catastrophe: people drowned, bodies crushed, and Los Angeles flattened, a heap of collapsed brick and glass with fires burning in the debris. I wondered if the swimming pools would be spared. Perhaps these days Jesus swam in the water, rather than walking upon it. I saw myself in the mirror. My legs were weak and spindly, my flesh

Man.

almost as white as the uniform. I

stepped out and

McCrea

'Looking good, looking sharp,' he

few days

I'd

said.

be going out with Norris.

myself,' he said, stretching his kid, a capable kid, he'll

I

resembled the

Mr

'I

He

said that for the

first

wish I could take you out

jaw forward, 'but Norris

show you

Softee

grinned, showing huge teeth.

is

a

good

the ropes. His attitude towards

swimming pools is wholesome. He respects swimming pools.' The man who respected swimming pools was small and muscular, with black, wiry hair. 'Norris, I want you to meet Richard. He's the latest of our angels,' said McCrea. 'I want you to take him out with you. Who's on the list today?' 'Silas,

Wechsler and Murchison.'

'Anything

difficult?'

'Wechsler sounds like a bummer.' 'Gee, that

woman

handle situations

'What can I

I

tell

can be a

like that.

ya,

dude? You're

wondered whether

LA Weekly -

trial.

to

But we've got to learn to

We must have patience.'

tell

right.'

McCrea something. The ad

'Wanted, Angels of the Poolside, hours

in the

flexible'

-

had required the possession of a valid California driver's licence.

I

and McCrea hadn't asked.

I

hadn't mentioned that

decided to skip

I

didn't drive,

it.

McCrea stretched forward his jaw again. it.

'I'll

Richard,' he said, 'the Lord be with you.'

leave

you boys to

68

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

me

Norris took

from God?' he

that

you about

tell

his mission

said.

'He did mention 'Is

'McCrea

outside.

MAP

A

it

once or

twice.'

one wild and crazy dude, or what?'

'Who's Marlene?' 'His wife. Just wait eyes,

like

it's

have her

We

you meet her, dude. Look into both

till

empty, no one

at

own TV show. That

home. He's

lady .can talk.'

Honda

loaded equipment into a white

van. 'Clean Blue

Yonder' was painted on the

side.

Norris inspected

He

said,

'You the

expression of disbelief.

We drove me

up Sepulveda, headed

east

my legs with an

athletic type?'

on Olympic. Norris

told

UCLA.

His

he was from Pasadena and had dropped out of

ambition was to move south to Orange County and work

Hobie Surf Shop

Dana

at

lot

surfing.

His idol was

Tommy

they're totally dialled

in.

year, serious coin. But at

Point.

He

in the

pronounced

said 'dude',

and reckoned he might even take a shot at professional

dood, a

board

their

She should

just crazy.

Carroll.

They can earn

it's

light

corduroy as

glassy,

said,

'Dudes

like that,

a quarter of a million a

not the money. You're out on your

Huntington, there's a

and the waves are

He

wind coming far as

you can

off the point see.

You

hear

the water splash against the board and then you're up, blowing

some other guy

down,

off the wave, diving

stepping to the end of a board, noseriding. that's

life.'

heard

it

We

He

was

were

asked

me

a totally

about London.

cutting a turn,

It's

perfect, dude,

He wanted to visit. He'd

happening place, except for the

in Beverly Hills.

The

steered the van through a gate

streets

were deserted. Norris

and we went down

shaped gravel drive and pulled up

surfing.

in front

a crescent-

of a large house. The

house was imitation Tudor, black and white, with pool was round the back. Norris fixed a loose

filter

tall

gables.

The

on the hot tub,

trawled the pool with a device which resembled a butterfly

while

I

net.

caught leaves, the lower half of a bikini, and several empty

I

bottles of

San Pellegrino.

'Surfer chick?'

'Not as

far as

I

know.'

I

told Norris about Barbara.

COMING TOGETHER This puzzled him.

'Why

else

would anyone go

/

69

to Hawaii?' he

said.

The next job was up house on the side of a upside down.

We

on Bellagio Road,

in Bel Air,

hill.

went

in

The house was

on

through the kitchen,

white

at a

stilts,

down

and

another

wood

flight into the living

down

was

a big garden. Everything in the garden

There were flower beds, palm

and

red-tiled

I

in

dark

cabin with compasses and charts, and out into

like a ship's

lots of statues

was decorated

area which

built

a flight of

with hunting prints on the walls, past the bedroom,

stairs

sizes

built

trees

of Napoleon. These

with care.

laid out

with trimmed branches, and

came

in various

shapes and

counted twenty-three, not including the one on the

bottom of the swimming pool. This one was very

and broken into eight

pieces, each piece magnified

large

and distorted

by the water.

An old woman tall.

stood at the pool's edge. She was red-faced and

She wore a battered straw hat. She hadn't seemed to

acknowledge our accent, saying:

began to speak,

arrival but she

'You are

late.

You

will

in a

German

remove him now. Lynch

will attend to the repairs, later.'

Norris stared down.

'What happened Napoleon? You go 'Just

here,

Mrs Wechsler? I thought you guys liked

crazy, stage a revolution?'

do the work,

if

you

please.

And

try not to

damage

the

statue.'

'That's

'Make

gonna be tough, Mrs Wechsler. We'll do our

best.'

sure you do.'

We went to the van for tools and equipment. Norris said, 'Shit, that

woman's such

a tight-ass.'

several times before.

worked

been to

Once Mrs Wechsler had

told

He had

know, those dudes

asked her what

it

was

in

like.

him she

She had said the hours

that true?'

'This

house

Nazi Germany,' said

were long. 'Is

this

as a secretary in the administration block of a concent-

ration camp. 'You

Norris.

He said he had

is

Beverly Hills, dude.

I'll

believe anything.'

70

LOS ANGELES

/

We

were back

in the

WITHOUT

garden.

attacked a bush with shears.

and

filing

forms

'One of us

I

watched Mrs Wechsler

tried to

some grey room

piece of the broken statue.

I

I

as she

imagine her typing papers

Dachau or Auschwitz.

in

only go into water with a wet

I

a pulley to the edge of the pool.

suit.'

it's

not

He clamped

dived and fixed nets to each

fixed ropes to the nets.

I

got out of

and we hauled up the pieces one by one.

the pool

'They're not really going to be able to as

MAP

going to get soaked,' said Norris. 'And

is

going to be me.

in

I

A

we heaved

are they?'

fix this,

said

I

out another large, and particularly heavy, chunk.

'Beats me, too,' he said. It

my job.

was dark when we finished. A strong wind goose-bumped and Norris said: 'I've seen some weird shit doing this

flesh,

Went

house up on Mulholland one time, guy had a

to this

red Freightliner truck in his pool. Never found out

how

the

thing got there. Another time, in the Palisades, there

was

this

woman,

her husband was in the military, she kept a dolphin in

her pool, said

it

had been trained

to

kill

by the CIA. Like

I

said,

crazy people.'

Moss and

I

went

Ry Cooder show with Lorraine and her A&R man at Warner Bros. Chuck wore a

to the

boyfriend Chuck, the

red leather jacket and the same white silk trousers he had on

when

I

first

met him. He

also

wore

a hat like a matador's,

which

came halfway down his forehead. We were in the Palace Hollywood and Vine, and Chuck didn't look out of place. The bar was a fashion show: men with Robert de Niro

Theatre, at

stubble,

women

with short, backless dresses

gold and

in

silver,

women with teased Christie Brinkley hairstyles, and teenage girls who said they were from the Valley and came in the boyfriend's

BMW,

somewhere, since

and must have changed their parents surely

garage restroom

in a

wouldn't

Faces turned to check

new

let

like that.

came down

the stairs, in case they were famous.

'He's so great. His

writer I'd give

my

life

work changed my to be,' a

man

life.

them come

arrivals as they

out looking

He's the kind of

near the bar told his friends.

COMING TOGETHER i hear he's

/

71

Grey now, Caesar's Palace account,' someone

at

else said.

same guy who wrote

the

that

'Isn't

Alaska Airline

the

commercial?' said a third.

That's the guy

.' .

.

some kinduvva

'He's

'Caesar's.

'Yeah.

genius.'

Wow, what

an opportunity

.' .

.

One day you're just a guy, the next day the sun

rises

and

.'

falls

.

.

Chuck returned from

the bar, carrying a tray loaded with

Heineken. 'Eh, voila

bottles of

him about what he had

to

do

.

.

.,'

he said.

interrogated

to land a recording contract.

'Tough one, Wallace, tough one.

said,

Moss

Chuck

We did just sign "Duane's

Addiction". Killer band. Sorta glam-rock, sorta heavy-metal, sorta post-punk. Real original. Right, baby?' 'Right, Chuck,' said Lorraine.

A I

vein swelled

on Moss's forehead.

said to Lorraine, 'So Barbara's crazy about me?'

'That's

'And

what

that's

why

She suggested there

said.'

I

I

she went to Hawaii?'

put myself

and on the other there was for about five minutes

on

a

On the one hand

Barbara's place.

in

was Patterson, who was

a

this

little bit

odd, a

Englishman

little bit

who

strange,

she'd only

met

Greek island and had suddenly arrived

on the doorstep and wouldn't leave her alone and was working as a mechanical I

said

I

man.

also cleaned

'Give her a

exaggerated

swimming

break,'

said

pools.

Lorraine.

I

stared

at

her.

The

Cockney accent had disappeared. She looked I puts that on for the punters, don't I?'

defiant. 'Yeah, I

gulped

down

several Heinekens.

Roxy Music stood introduced myself.

at the back,

I

felt

drunk. Bryan Ferry of

watching the show.

I

went and

He was puzzled, and polite. He said he was in He was living in the Malibu colony

Los Angeles to make a record.

house which had once belonged to Fritz Lang.

I

told

him

a story

72

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

about a friend of mine, a film-maker

came

to

MAP

A

who

loved Lang's

Los Angeles to interview him. This was

long before Lang died. interview.

He

Ferry smiled.

I

told

1970s, not

in the

Somehow my friend never got round to the had robbed him of

the city

felt

work and

him

I

his will.

thought 'Can't Let Go', a song he'd

when Jerry Hall was dumping him

Mick Jagger, was one of the best things written about LA: 'They said go west young recorded

man that's best,

for

there you'll feel.no pain, Bel- Air's

it's

dig the grave, but I

want

to live again'

I

him

told

I

okay if you

thought the

song was very good on the experience of feeling rootless

He

foreign place.

looked embarrassed.

Englishman, having a

He

smiled again.

bit of

He

woman

I

told

him

obviously thought

was wrong

I

man who had once

public wearing toreador pants

was not

'I

me

in the

appeared

in

to be trusted.

he had just turned twenty-seven.

thought you were younger.'

He

said, 'Life's passing

me

by, dude,

a

when

good outfielder, due his car ran off the

He

his wrist.

and

that's fine

UCLA, an

Norris had been a baseball star at

and

was an

I

trouble myself.

head. But the judgement of a

Norris told

in a

by me.'

outstanding hitter

for a try-out with the California Angels

Pasadena Freeway

in the

wet and he hurt

hadn't played baseball since. 'Happened on the

worst stretch of freeway

in the city.

They

1920s and they thought they'd better put curves. In case people got bored.

built

it

way back

in the

in all these totally steep

Can you

believe

it?

To

cause

all you need is a coupla buckets of water.' He said he didn't mind not being able to play baseball. He hated the idea of becoming someone whose life was shattered because something went wrong when he was twenty-one. He said, 'This dude I

chaos,

know,

I

call

him The Hoop Casualty.

It's like

trying to get over the fact that he didn't quite

NCAA

finals.

gone from

Never go

We

this

Dude,

LA

I

tell

shit.

east of Coast

ya,

soon as

I'm heading

Highway

if

I

I

still

in

shock,

make

it

to the

he's

get things together I'm

down

to

Dana. The beach.

can possibly help

it.'

were on Mapleton Drive. Norris turned the van through

COMING TOGETHER gates flanked by thick hedges with purple leaves.

long and low, and white.

dragons

at the door.

It

had

a red-tile roof,

/

73

The house was

and a pair of Chinese

We went round the side. A man wearing a pith

helmet was crouched on the path, adjusting sprinklers. Water

and spread

hissed,

'Who owns 'Some guy

fan-shaped patterns across the lawn.

in

this place?'

The pool was shaped and gold. There was

asked.

like a

kidney and

a diving board,

on the water. While we

some

I

in the movies,' said Norris.

and

'Who

cares?'

tiled in

squares of blue

a red rubber ring

bobbed

tested for acidity Norris tried to explain

inscrutable aspect of surfing, something about the differ-

ence between inside and outside waves.

understand at not getting 'No,'

I

all.

An

inside wave.

I

didn't

We cleaned the filters and Norris said, 'You're

this, are

you?'

said.

'An outside wave

.

.

.'

he began. But before he could say any

more the pool sweep began to behave strangely. Two of the hoses which creep along the bottom, sucking up debris, suddenly came out of the pool and shot water in the air. Within moments we were drenched. 'Great,' said Norris. 'That's great.'

We got the was not easy.

sweep out of the pool. I

recalled a film in

We tried to turn

it

off.

This

which John Wayne wore a diving

helmet and wrestled an octopus. Our task was similar. Each time

we thought we'd cracked

it,

another length of hose would break

loose and give us a soaking. Norris

wash. 'No wet with a

suit,'

he moaned. At

final twitch, the

A man came

was last

like a

dog being given a

he found the switch, and,

pool sweep died.

The gardener touched his pith helmet as he passed. The man ignored him. He was small and fat and wore garish yellow beach shorts. His nose was swollen, as if across the lawn.

he'd been stung by a bee. 'Say, you guys are soaked,' he said, chuckling. 'You gonna be able to 'We'll have to take

'Won't hear the point of

it.'

me

it

fix this

thing?'

away,' said Norris.

complaining. Thing drives

me

nuts.

Don't see

74

saw

I

was

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

woman

a

tall

standing on the patio outside the house. She

tanned back.

fair hair,

'Hey,' I

MAP

and wore a black swimsuit. She was looking up

roof, perhaps she'd seen something.

how

A

I

was Barbara.

It

shouted. 'Barbara. Isn't this a surprise.'

I

hated coincidence

at the

stared at her: long legs, long

in fiction:

It

chance meetings

struck

me

like this, or

man finds a letter written by his wife, a letter to her lover which just happens to fall from her pocket. 'How was those scenes where a

Hawaii?'

The woman faced me. She was incredibly was not Barbara. .' 'My name's not 'Excuse me,' I said. 'My mistake.' .

beautiful,

and she

.

She shrugged. 'That's OK.' 'Terrible eyesight.'

'No problem.'

The man in the yellow shorts was baffled. He scrutinized me, he woman. 'Lemme get this right. You know the

scrutinized the

poolman?' 'No,

I

don't.'

'She doesn't.' 'I'm

all

thought she was someone

It

was no

running. .

.

turned around here.'

'I

.

the

else. It

was

a silly mistake.'

use. The man in the yellow beach shorts was off and He had formed his paranoid theory. 'You actually know

poolman. You actually come on

here. After

what happened

The woman

last

to the

poolman while I'm

week. You disgust me.'

said she wasn't going to listen to this. She

back into the house. The

man

in the

yellow beach shorts ran after

You disgust me.' When we had packed away our equipment, Norris

her,

still

went

shouting, 'Bitch!

said:

'Dudely chick, man.'

I

tried calling Barbara. Patterson

answered.

he said, 'so please don't hang up.' I

said nothing.

'I

know who

this

is,'

COMING TOGETHER 'So.

How's

it

75

/

going?'

Tm OK.' 5

'When did you last see Barbara? I told him this was none of his business. 'I want you to keep away from her. Don't see her. Don't talk to her.

Don't even think about

it.'

'Don't be ridiculous.'

awayV he

"Stay I

shouted. 'Just stay the fuck

went round to Moss's apartment.

away from her'

He laughed when

I

told

him

about the phone call. 'You talk about your life like it was a movie,' he said.

He showed me a cupboard. Inside was a mountainous heap

of alligator shoes. There were alligator shoes of

and without

alligator boots, with

zips; alligator

all

descriptions:

shoes with laces,

and ones which slipped on; and alligator shoes with all varieties of heel (cuban, platform, stacked,

flat).

'How many pairs do you have?' 'Not,' said Moss, 'as many as I'd The

like.'

RTD bus was the usual collection:

the step-well

on bent

legs, a

Mexican

an oldster wobbling from

leafing desperately

through

immigration forms, a cripple on sticks held together with BandAid, a driver

who sniffed and scowled in response to any enquiry,

and the bad boys at the back, laughing and smoking dope, singing along to Prince on the ghetto blaster, outdoing each other with stories of

how

long

it

took them to travel to work each day: two

hours, three hours, three hours-forty. ever.

One said,

'I

wanna sleep

for

Why get up?'

'You'll get up, sucker,' said boss'll stick his dick

up your

one of the others. 'Otherwise your

ass.'

On Wilshire a red Golf convertible went by, a bronze hulk at the wheel, one arm thrown carelessly round the shoulder of a blonde in the passenger seat. Stickers

He

whispered

in

her ear and she laughed.

on the bumper said 'Wine Me, Dine Me, 69 Me' and 'GO

GO GO USC.' 'Oh, man,' said one of the bad boys, groaning. 'Check that chick.'

76

/

LOS ANGELES

There's a

USC

WITHOUT

A

MAP

in sucks,' said another.

'Fucking USC. The University of Spoiled Children, man.'

The bus smashed down an

incline,

thumping and

rattling.

the end of Wilshire the Pacific rose up like a blue wall.

window. Air smelling of ocean and used 'You went to college?' said Barbara. I

tyres

poured

I

At

opened

a

in.

nodded.

'Where?' 'Cambridge.'

'What was

it

like?'

'USC, but English.'

'What was your major?' 'Philosophy.'

'We read some guessed I

felt

it

of that stuff in the twelfth grade,' she said. She

hadn't changed much.

pole-axed. Barbara had

come

to the apartment. She

hadn't brought the car, she said, because she was afraid Patterson

would try to follow her. She had

told

him she was stepping out for

was wearing tracksuit bottoms and white T-shirt. Her was taken up behind her head in a bun. She had said she hadn't been in Hawaii. She was sorry for the lie, but she had needed time to think. She had smiled, and suggested we go to the a jog. She

hair

beach.

The bus thumped down another slope. It stopped. 'Maybe I should have gone to college,' said Barbara. 'What stopped you?' i was with this guy. That was in Buffalo when Patterson and I split for a while. He was older than me. He was about forty, I guess. Really brilliant guy. He could have taught stuff. He knew about everything. Not just history and books. On a train he'd stare at people's feet and tell me exactly what they were like just from looking at their shoes. We travelled. Went to Japan and Egypt and Morocco. It was a crazy year. He started to drink. Turned out he had another girlfriend, in New York. He went back to her. We met at the funeral. His drinking had gotten worse and worse. He

tried to get her to sleep with his friends.

She

COMING TOGETHER

/

77

He walked out of a twenty-sixth storey window. Killed himself. He did it while she was still in the room.' The bus started up. A man came down the aisle. He had dark wouldn't.

and

glasses

me, he

a wrinkled neck like a turkey. 'Excuse

said.

His breath was the smell of garlic and he started to talk as though he'd just walked onto a stage.

wrong

he said.

idea,'

whatsoever.

'I

wouldn't want you to get the

never approach

'I

surprised

any reason

for

My aim is to find girls, beautiful girls who are alone

and preferably over-sexed.' I wondered over-sexed

men

bit.

'I

go to singles bars,

how he decided about the

try to pick

how often go to singles bars. I

He examined Barbara and, literally, my luck's about to change.'

up

girls.

You'd be

Lately I've been unlucky.'

licked his lips. 'But

maybe

'What's your problem, buddy?' she said.

'Problem? Lady,

I've

got

ment. Three years ago I got

He

more than my share

hit

by a car in Reno,

lost

mobility

That's

was

my

the

most important.

priority.

The

The bus came to a shoot you on video. Shit, this is

19th

'Go home and

this

tell

a

wheeze —

the truth but

I've gotta get

back

singles bars

halt.

an appointment with

Now

my mobility.'

what

smiled, as though this were a splendid joke:

get crippled. 'Lost lots of other things to

in that depart-

back

my

east.

east.'

'We passed 19th St yet?' he asked. video dating agency.

'I

got

You go in and they

Women pick you out. I'm meeting one today.

St.'

He pushed

die, creepo,'

his

way

to the exit.

shouted Barbara.

We got off the bus at Santa Monica.

The bad boys at the back whistled and jeered. It was sunny and warm. Lollipop palm trees swayed in the wind. Sailboats bobbed on the ocean and to the north waves beat against Santa Monica Point, jutting into the bay like the

snout of a dinosaur.

A man was

in front

of us, pushing a

supermarket trolley loaded with rags and empty stumbled

in high-heeled

cowboy

slapped against the concrete. beard, muttering, it.'

There were

said, this

'I

lots

can do

of

bottles.

He

sole of the left boot

He wiped a greasy hand through his

it, I

bums

boots.

The

can do

here.

it, I

can do

As Hooter

was where America stopped.

A

(or

it,

really

was

graffito

it

I

can do

Jack?) had

on the Will

78

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

Rogers esplanade

said:

beneath the palm

'Welcome

many

People arrived, and

trees,

to the

move

didn't

wrapped

in

Kerouac

MAP end of

civilization'.

on. There they were, lying

newspapers and old sweaters

and sleeping bags, contemplating the a Jack

A

Pacific like characters

from

story.

I asked Barbara why she had come to Los Angeles. She said she came with Patterson when he graduated from Columbia and tried

for a job at Spielberg's

Amblin' Films.

and enrolled on

didn't,

seemed much point

He

nearly got the job, but

a screenwriting course.

There hadn't

her going back to Buffalo, so she started

in

waiting tables. They had lived in an apartment on

then she saw an ad in Variety for the hills.

went

They had moved there about to

work

Mom

and

Kiowa Avenue, house on Venus Drive in the

whole

at the club.

sent

me

story,' said

a year ago. 'I met Lorraine and Then Kimberley ran away to Europe

to bring her back.

I

met you. And

that's the

Barbara.

We walked over a footbridge to the pier. There was a carousel, swung round Wurlitzer. I knew

painted in red and brilliant yellow. Riderless horses

and round, jerking to accompaniment from a

The Sting

they'd filmed part of

before Paul

Newman

here, the scene at the beginning

has met Robert Redford.

'What's going to happen with us?' 'I

don't know, Richard.'

'Leave Patterson.'

The

ticket collector leaned against a booth.

looked angry.

Newman's 'I

didn't

'I'll tell

a faggot.'

know

you something

He grinned,

He was

thin

and

for nothing,' he said. 'Paul

displaying horrid, pointy teeth.

that.'

'Do now.' 'I

thought he'd been happily married for years.'

'You thought wrong. What ways.'

He

said,

'Hershey

I

hear, he don't even swing both

leaned forward, wanting to confide something. bars.

And

Robert

Redford's

a

He

fucking

Republican.' I

took Barbara outside.

cowboy

On the pier a short Mexican in a leather woman who ran the leaping frogs

hat argued with the

COMING TOGETHER game. She spoke

in a

loud voice and looked

79

something from

like

He

gestured

which was to place

a frog in

an opera by Wagner. The Mexican had a grievance. angrily towards the game, the idea of

/

a device resembling a miniature siege catapult, then

whack

the

hammer, thus launching the frog towards a pond. There were lilies in the pond and if the frog landed on one, the prize was a cuddly toy. The Mexican felt he'd

other end of the device with a steel

been deprived of his prize. Unless he got a cuddly toy, he said, there I

would be

trouble, revenge, bloodshed.

asked Barbara when she thought she might

make up her mind

about leaving Patterson. She

said, 'Are those frogs alive}'

We went down steps to the shore. Barbara watched kids racing across the beach. She said that in her teens she had been New York

champion

State

national team.

miss the training,' she said.

'I

used to work at

week.

We

I

had a

800 metres. She nearly made the

in the

real hard.

it

'I

miss the routine.

I

Training every day, races once a

focus.'

took off our shoes and lay on the sand. The sunset was

spectacular, changing colour every minute: red, pink, orange,

lavender, violet, dark blue.

It

got dark.

We talked.

I

told her about

seeing the

woman

was

described the whole scene. Barbara laughed. She said

her.

I

suddenly:

'I

at the

in Beverly Hills,

and thinking

it

lied.'

'About Hawaii? Forget 'About that guy I

house

I

told

it.'

you about. The one who

presumed she was about

fantasy. Instead, she said,

'It

killed himself.'

tell me that the whole story was a was me. There was no other girl. It

to

was me he asked

to sleep with his friends. And did. I liked it.' And she'd seen him walk from a window twenty-six floors up? She kissed me and stood. Sand squeezed between her toes. She I

took pins from the back of her head and shook loose her hair. She peeled off her T-shirt, revealing tanned breasts and erect nipples.

She stood over me.

Barbara now.'

said,

'I

am

the wind,

I

am

the sea. Fuck me. Eat me,

80

/

I

A

MAP

looked around the beach. There was no one

She I

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

said, 'Eat

did.

Who

in sight. 'Here?'

me, now.'

was

I

to

deny Barbara her wishes?

P

A R T

3

t

We arrived Palamino was

in

at

North Hollywood and

suit.

Lives'.

The

above the parking

a sign

The King Lives Tonite The Moss had his hair slicked back. He wore a pink zoot

lot flashed red and blue neon:

King

The

the Palamino Club at nine o'clock.

jacket

came

to his knees

.

.

.

.

.

.

and the trousers stopped two

inches above patent pink alligator shoes.

He

said,

'I

look like a

prophylactic.'

Moss was getting these strange jobs. He had been hired to play rhythm guitar for a singer called Dwight Wonder who impersonated Elvis Presley, circa 1969, Las Vegas comeback period.

Moss said, This guy's got it down tight. Leather suits. Sequinned suits.

Mutton-chop sideburns and a diamond ring on

his pinkie.

He keeps going to the front of the stage to kiss women. He does a 22-minute version of "Suspicious Minds" and drinks Gatorade

by the quart.' Barbara asked I

how many

cheeseburgers he ate.

asked: 'Dwight Wonder?'

By

nine-thirty the club

was packed. There was no smoke

at all

84

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

room. Moss said that people no longer smoked

in the low-ceilinged

in

MAP

A

Los Angeles. Everyone was too concerned about

There was even talk of banning the habit in Beverly

would be

their health.

Hills.

Smokers

have their Bullocks charge cards confiscated.

fined, or

look at this audience,' said Moss. 'Can't you smell the money ?

'Just

The San Fernando

Valley.

Another hour and

they'll get

steamed

up, start swatting each other with their jewellery.'

We had a drink at the bar, and five minutes later Moss headed backstage, a pink exclamation

Barbara

said,

kinda cute I

'Maybe

I'll

mark pushing through

buy you

a suit like that.

the crowd.

You'd look

in pink.'

groaned.

Barbara had ideas about pointy boots, string

They

ties

my

wardrobe. These ideas featured

and big cowboy

hats.

That wasn't so bad.

also featured headbands, wristbands, cycling shorts, tight-

fitting bikini briefs

emblazoned with slogans

like 'Easy Rider'

and

'Medium Rare', and a pair of expensive silver training shoes which were padded and cushioned and resembled the footwear the astronauts used for trudging about on the moon. 'They're very nice,'

I

owned

said. 'But what

am

I

supposed to do with them ?' I had never

a pair of training shoes in

my life.

We had been living together for three weeks. Barbara had been working in the evening, I worked during the day. We fucked late at night and early morning. At the weekend,

appearance,

a trolley

up the

when not rethinking my

aisles at Ralph's,

went

to

and watched movies on TV. Barbara was happy. She

the beach, told

we pushed

me so.

She talked about trying to get a part

Barbara and

I

found

seats at a table.

in a

movie.

Two women

were there

already: blonde, sequinned, tanned, with pale blue eyes. They were like dolls.

'We're mother and daughter,' said one. 'But which

is

which?' I

stared.

They were

indistinguishable.

1

said,

'You must be

twins.'

She laughed, a thin, nervous sound, and

And you're a

true gentleman. I'm Lauren,

Kismet. Are you from

New Zealand?'

said,

and

Tm the mother.

this

is

my daughter

IT

HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

85

/

1

'England.

'New Zealand, England, Canada.

get

I

my

continents messed

around.' 'I

dig Australians,' said Kismet. They're cute.

last year.

Crockett.

He was Australian. He wore a He bought me a shirt that was so

I

dated

this

hat just like

guy

Davy

neat.'

'Are you here vacationing?'

Tm working.' 'What kind of work do you do?' 'I

clean

swimming

'I

pools.'

and asked what car

'Oh,' she said,

I

drove.

don't have one.'

it's in the shop?'

i don't This

drive.'

woke Kismet from

her reverie about Australians in

outlandish headgear. She said,

how do you

get

around?

I

mean,

get places?'

i take the

bus.'

'The bus?

I've

'They go

'How do you

all

never been on the bus.

Where do

they go?'

over, baby,' said Lauren. 'The drivers take cocaine.'

'They do what}'

I

said.

'They freebase cocaine and they crash the buses.'

'Wow,' said Kismet. That seemed

'How do you know 'Perhaps

/

to

sum

it

up.

this?'

should take the bus,' said Kismet.

'There was a story in the Herald only the other day.

smashed down tests

were

'Jesus,'

a post in

Century City,

A

driver

killed three people.

The

positive.' I

said.

I

remembered coming down from Hollywood

few nights before. The driver had taken the curves on Sunset terrible speed,

menacing with raised

fist

any passenger

a at

who dared

to complain.

'Do you think,' said Kismet,

'that they

have buses

in Australia

?'

Lauren and Barbara were already talking about something else.

They had discovered common ground. 'You're putting me

on,' said Barbara.

86

LOS ANGELES

/

WITHOUT

MAP

A

'Playmate of the Month, September 1964. Hef bought

me

a

car, the cutest little Italian sports car/

'What colour was 'Red.

was

I

it?'

eighteen.

That was

in

Chicago. Then

Factor Girl, on the cover of lots of magazines. coast.

And

I

met

this guy.

The worst guy

I

I

I

was

the

moved

Max

to the

ever met.'

'What did he do?' 'Took some of thing

I

pictures, kinda nasty pictures,

those underground magazines.

was the end of my

that

you know the kind

mean, with animals, and they were printed

in

one of

He sent a copy to Max Factor and He thought it was a big joke.'

contract.

'That sucks,' said Barbara.

'The Sixties were real kind to me.

me two

gave

shot him with a .38. They

years.'

'They put you '1

I

didn't even

in prison?'

kill

the guy,' said Lauren.

At ten o'clock the band came on. Moss stood backstage,

awkward and Dwight Wonder came to

adjusting the guitar strap on his shoulder, looking

down at his pink alligator shoes. He wore a suit which glittered and hugged his body. His was exposed. He swivelled his hips and aimed his mouth at

gazing

the front.

chest

'My hands are sb akin and my knees are weak, I can't seem to stand on my own two feet.' He was about five feet tall, and fat, a dwarf Elvis who resembled the Michelin Man. Lauren was in tears. 'I know it's true,' she said, 'but I just can't the microphone:

believe he's dead.' I

went

to get drinks.

I

had

to

queue for

a

few minutes.

A man

was there, martini in hand. He said, 'Isn't this grotesque? My mind doesn't want to accept what my eyes are seeing. But then gin always makes 'I

know

me

intellectual.'

the guitar player.'

'The one with the suit?

And

those shoes?'

That's him.' 'At least he looks embarrassed,' he said.

and wiped

his lips

Dietrich Buchster

He drained his

martini

with his forefinger. 'I'm Drax. That's short for

Haader der Junger. D-R-A-X.'

HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

IT

/

87

James Bond villain?' copyrighted the name. And you?'

'Like the 'I

'Richard,'

'May

I

said.

ask you something?

1

Do you

enjoy

TV

commercials?'

'Some.' 'I

am

was

in

an

I

used to

make

lots.

That

Eugene, Oregon. The station was bought by the Mafia.

These guys came

and were Mafia.

TV commercial.

of the

artist

I

figured

from

Morty.

called

Drax was

in

New

I

guess

was time

it

in his thirties.

York. They

to bale out.'

ginger hair and a moustache

which he kept stroking. His speech was

Oregon he had come

He was

the rights to his

When

life

fast,

nervous.

the Mafia

story,

Wonder

with Colonel

and was

at the

He was

had moved

Los Angeles, hoping to make

to

in negotiation

check out Dwight

wore overcoats

must have been the Jewish

it

He had

constant fear of interruption.

producer.

all

Tom

it

in

in

on

as a film

Parker for

Palamino Club to

as a possibility to play the great

discovery of Parker's career, the young Elvis Presley. 'Wasted

'Guy sounds good but looks

journey,' he said. fat.

like the pits.

So

Nasty.'

He

asked

Barbara sat

was on my own. I pointed to the table where with Lauren and Kismet. He bought three bottles of if

I

California champagne.

We

took them over.

Hi. Hi. I'm Dietrich Buchster

'Hi,'

he said. 'Hi.

Haader der Junger.'

'Say again?' said Barbara.

'Drax for

short.'

She shrugged. 'Right.'

popped the champagne and poured. 'What are we celebrating?' said Lauren.

I

'I

was about

to

tell

my

Richard about

marriage.'

'You got married?' said Lauren. 'I

got divorced.

I

everything she did. to

tie

floss.

At

was very

What

unfair to

she ate.

What

her up in the morning, before

She

left

me.

ten-fifteen

I

had

a

I

my

wife. Tried to control

clothes she bought.

went

to

I

liked

work. With dental

breakdown, but everything's

Dwight Wonder, Moss and the

OK now.'

rest of the

band

88

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

were grinding through 'Return

A

to Sender'.

MAP Drax

said,

never

'I

liked that song.'

him

love Elvis,' said Lauren, giving

'I

'Me VCR.'

too,' said

Drax.

'I

got

all

a stern look.

the records,

the movies

all

on

'What's your favourite?'

'"Roustabout".'

'You know,' said Lauren. 'When to dress like Barbara

Stanwyck

I

was

fifteen years old

I

used

I

ever

in that movie.'

'With the white angora sweater?' 'Right, that's right.'

Drax

said, 'That's funny.

So did

I.'

Barbara asked about putting on women's clothes.

done

it? If

I

could choose

who to

be

like,

Ringwald? Jackie Onassis? Joan Collins

Had

who would it be? Molly in

Dynasty} Or maybe

even Margaret Thatcher?

Was

she serious?

Drax 'Go

said to Lauren:

I

ask you something?'

right ahead.'

'Forgive

you

'May

me for asking, wine always makes me physical, but do

like to use dental floss?'

'Use dental floss for what?' 'For your teeth.

Or

other things. Whatever.'

'Waxed or unwaxed?' He smiled, and poured more champagne. He thanked me for introducing him to one of the more psychically aware women in Los Angeles. Kismet made a face. She seemed to dislike Drax. Perhaps it was because he wasn't Australian. Lauren

said:

The show

finished at twenty past eleven, after a version of

'Suspicious Minds' that lasted nineteen minutes

(I

timed

Drax

me a business card and told me to keep in touch. He went off

gave

with Lauren and Kismet, presumably to buy dental

and

it).

I

waited for Moss,

suggested

we go

who

floss.

Barbara

arrived sweating and breathless.

to a party in Pacific Palisades,

various music-industry types were going to be.

He

where he'd heard

HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

IT

/

89

The house was a steel and glass box, high on Entrada Drive, off Chautauqua Boulevard, and clung to the side of a canyon. It seemed insanely precarious. Moss said the houses here were constant danger from mudslides. They could be swept away

moments. Living here was so.

It

was

on the edge, and being seen to do

living

a display of the fact that the

the chance.

had made

He said

his family

and

His father

lived close by.

avocado business. He bought

a green Rolls-Royce.

came down one night

It

a

matched the colour of

did anything that lasted. But

Moss said. when he lived, he

A

blue shield said

the fruit. 'House

'My dad never

owner wasn't scared to take

had once

a small fortune in the

yacht, a house,

in in

after a storm,'

lived.'

The garden smelled of pine

needles.

on the lawn a woman mimed was anorexically thin, and naked. 'Is this said Moss. The woman didn't reply. She bit

'Protected by the Bel Air Patrol' and

peeling a banana. She

where the party's

down on

at?'

the imaginary fruit,

and chewed.

'Lunchbox,' said Barbara.

A Mexican on

a tray.

servant

Moss

was

at the

said he realized

door with glasses of white wine

it

was going to be the sort of Los lot, no one took drugs, no

Angeles party where no one drank a

one talked about sex and everyone hoped someone important

was about

to arrive.

The lunchbox

with the banana?' said Barbara.

Dwight Wonder was

there, with his

that overlooked the canyon.

suspended with a

in the

The

back to

a curved

lights of other

darkness like lanterns. Dwight

man who wore

a silk suit that sparkled.

window

houses were

Wonder was The man was

saying that most people presumed Elvis Presley died on 16 August

1977, and most people presumed wrong. In fact he was

on an island

off the coast of

Mexico.

Priscilla

went

still

alive,

to see

him

He had it from someone at Lorimar. Moreover, Elvis was a man transformed: no more burgers, ice cream or Hershey bars. He was into health foods.

once a month. This was gospel.

'Like bean sprouts

and

The man

continued:

in the suit

alfalfa?' 'I

asked Dwight Wonder. could

sell this

to the Enquirer

90

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

for $250,000.

Don't

tell

MAP

A

me it doesn't beat some story about how

a former Charlie's Angel has suspected cancer of the cunt. But, Elvis.

mean

I

to say, Elvis.

know how it is,'

'I

You know how

Dwight Wonder,

said

it is?'

all

sympathy.

He saw

Moss and shouted, Yo, Moss. Come on over. I've got some news. Someone I want you to meet.' '

went to a

I

table

where another butler was

fixing drinks.

got a

I

scotch for me, bourbon and water for Barbara. She was wearing a blue dress and looked beautiful. There

being with her:

it

left

me

'The basic premise,' said the

still

something about

A man in a red satin jogging

breathless.

had come up and was talking

suit

was

to her.

man

in the satin jogging suit,

'is

that the United States has been taken over by Canada.'

'By Canada?' said Barbara. 'Is

that a realistic basis for a mini-series?'

wouldn't buy

'I

'That's

what

I

it.'

told Lieberson.'

'You know the origin of the word Canada?' from the Spanish que nada. Means

'this is

I

said.

nothing'.

'Comes

Que

nada,

Canada.' 'Let .

.

.

me

get a handle

on

this,'

said Barbara. 'So

Canada means

nothing}'

'That's

it.'

The man pounced:

'That's

what

I

told Lieberson.'

He

turned

away. Barbara

He

asked

said,

me

'Guy came into the club the other day.

to audition for a part. Said

A director.

should learn a speech,

I

something from a play or movie, something I choose myself. Will

you help me?' 'Of course,'

I

said. I'd told

Barbara that

and

at college a friend

I

used to learn dialogue from movies. The friend was a Welshman

named little

Pete Davies.

He was

a literature student. In fact he read

apart from comic books which depicted muscular British

marines

singlehandedly

smashing

entire

regiments

of

Wehrmacht and Waffen SS. Davies, a.k.a. Cymru Clint, The Portmadoc Cowboy, a.k.a. War Mag Pete, was a

the

a.k.a.

great

IT

HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

91

/

the clipped prose of James M. Cain and The Roman Plays with the sentences: on once began an essay Antony was a man who knew what he wanted. And knew how to get it. And what he wanted now was the voluptuous Egyptian bitch/ He was outraged when this did not win him the plaudits he expected. He enquired whether his tutor had ever read the opening of The Postman Always Rings Twice. Davies and I used to talk about the screen performances we most admired: Nicholson in Chinatown, Welles in Touch of Evil, Walbrook in The Red Shoes, Seberg in Lilith, Mitchum in Thunder Road, Eastwood in High Plains Drifter (Eastwood: Taint the town red.' Priest: 'You don't mean the church.' Eastwood: 'I mean especially the church.'), and Alec Guinness as Bishop D'Ascoyne in Kind Hearts and Coronets ('I always say my west window has all the exuberance of Chaucer without, happily, any of the fantasist.

He admired

4

.

concomitant crudity of the each day, and

left

period.').

We

.

.

talked about this stuff

with third-class degrees.

'You don't seem to know about much

.

.

.'

said Barbara.

I didn't?

you about this.' I looked at my watch. It was nearly one in the morning. The party didn't seem like it was ever going to pick up. As the man with the satin jogging suit came up again to confer with Barbara, I moved to a corner of the room where there was a woman with black hair like Brooke Shields. She wore chunky ear-rings which had probably been looted from an Aztec temple. She seemed uninterested in the proceedings and gave me a stare that said: what can you do for my career? i can do great things for your career,' I said. '.

.

.

but

I

guess

I'll

have to

trust

'Have you seen Johnny?' she I

said.

told her I'd never heard of Johnny.

She said Johnny was the host. Johnny was a cool customer.

Sometimes he gave parties and didn't show up.

whole thing on video

later.

Her

He watched

the

eyes gestured towards the ceiling

where a camera filmed the proceedings. 'Are you in pictures?' 'I wrote a screenplay once. In England. That's where I come from. I'm working on some ideas now.'

92

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

She didn't seem interested, so

who

Polish actress

told her the joke about the

I

break into pictures by sleeping with

tried to

the writer ('Except at

home we'd

call

my grandmother

then the one about

MAP

A

her an Irish actress,'

I

said),

being eighty-seven and not

needing glasses, she just drinks from the bottle.

She

said,

'What

you do

precisely, can

for

my

career?'

'Nothing, as such.' 'I

think

should

I

call security.

I

think

should definitely

I

call

security.'

The man

'I

think so,'

I

up.

He

was

horseshit. Said

came

in satin

about Canada.

said, 'That story

you told me

true?'

Is it

said.

'Guy over there said

it

"Canada" meant

something different altogether.' 'Perhaps

I

heard

it

somewhere.

It

could be a

lie.'

'A tieV

Moss came the party

He seemed

up.

was

record contract. This the car.

How would

gun

said,

'I

made him

it

go get himself a new I

desperate.

talking about giving

be

if I

angry.

blasted

Elvis, this

He

said that

someone

Dwight Wonder

He

at

$1.5m

a

said, 'I've got a .38 in

Dwight and

told

Mr EMI to

one leaks?'

don't think that would be a good idea.'

Moss carried

a

in his car?

Barbara came up. She

The that?

satin

A

man

said,

'What's the problem here?'

said, 'You're a very sick individual.

You know

very sick individual.'

The woman who was like Brooke Shields said, 'You mean there's someone over there who's going to be someone?' Moss said, 'Let's go to Las Vegas.' It

was

one-fifteen.

Moss drove

a

1971 Cadillac de

Ville, a

blue convertible, long and low, a gas guzzler with flaking

and

a leaky top. Oily puddles slopped

vicious mosquitoes lived in

of Sunset.

a

chrome

on the floorboards and

empty beer cans on the back

headed east through the Palisades on

dark

seat.

We

dark and winding stretch

The engine made ominous clunketa-clunketa

noises.

HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

IT

Moss

'Guy who sold me

said,

false teeth

and

a

$500

suit.

this car

Guys

that

93

Mormon. He had guys like me

a

like that they see

coming, they look around the

remember

was

/

and

lot

say,

"Hey, Dutch,

Caddy, the one Mrs Glucksman brought

in the

other day, the one with the sugar in the tank and the totally

wrecked oil sump ? Bring

And

I

it

on

out,

get eaten alive. Every car

child in red

I

think we've got a customer."

ever bought turned to

we stopped

Thirty minutes later

Montana Avenue. The

I

Bob's Big Boy on

at the

five-foot-high statue of

and white check trousers

shit.'

- was

Bob -

a grinning

outside as usual,

except that someone had sawn off the statue's head and the

burger he held invitingly on his upturned palm and switched the

two, so the severed head was on the hand and the burger on the neck.

It

was probably part of

a

A

campaign against the Bob's Big

Bob had been found in cement at the end of the pier at Huntington Beach. The previous week another had been kidnapped in Culver City. A ransom note was received and after two days the statue was found, in a canyon Boy

off

chain. I'd read about

it.

statue of

Mulholland Drive, blindfolded and with

the head.

The

film director

a

gunshot

David Lynch had started

wound

to

a counter-

campaign: 'Save Our City, Save Big Bob'.

Moss

said,

'I

once had lunch every day for a year

Bob's Big Boy. That was up in the valley.

I

at the same was working with my

father at the time, training attack dogs.'

Training attack dogs?'

'Dobermans, Rottweilers, German shepherds. Our

was

mastiffs. Real

mean

speciality

dogs.'

'What kind of people buy attack dogs?' 'Rich people. Scared people. Psycho people. People

who live at

Venice Beach,' he said.

The Bob's Big Boy was deserted. The waitress laughed at suit and took our order. She sat down at the table.

Moss's pink 'I've

been working six hours already tonight,' she

said. 'I'm

Her name was Tracia. She was eighteen, she said, and she was only working here until her boyfriend sent her the money to bored.'

travel to Europe.

Her boyfriend was Dutch,

a clog manufacturer.

94

/

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

MAP

A

She said, 'We only met for one hour on a plane. Since then we've

spoken to each other on the phone every day. Doesn't that sound romantic?'

Highly improbable was what

it

sounded, said Barbara.

Tracia was in a dream. She said, 'When

gonna be

get there,

I

think I'm

van Gogh.'

a painter, like Vincent

By two-thirty we were back on Santa Monica freeway, and a

I

the road, heading east

K-SURF news

bulletin said

on the

how

a

group of surfers had paddled out into the ocean, waiting for an

enormous

tidal

wave

come

to

in

from Hawaii. They thought an

earthquake was about to cause the end of the world. I wondered

if

Norris was out there, bobbing up and down, hoping for the ride of his

life.

Moss was more

cheerful.

He

said that his father

had

actually

He taught Moss to play the when his yacht capsized in a freak squall, leaving debts so bad Moss had to give up his studies and take a job to help support his mother and sister. Moss had worked selling insurance and when the debt was cleared went back to music. 'Another year and I know I'll make it,' he said. wanted him

to

become

a musician.

piano, but died off Catalina Island

got to get through the next year.'

'I've just

Maybe heard

all

he would

make it. Since I'd been in Los Angeles I'd Making it: it could take a lifetime, it might

these stories.

never happen and occasionally the process did occur overnight. Stories

in

the

last

category were absorbed into the

mythology. They became part of the Barbara had told

fabric,

sometimes

city's

literally.

me the story of a UCLA graduate she knew who Weapon' to Warner Bros for $1.5m name was Shane Black. He was twenty-

sold a script called 'Lethal

plus a percentage. His

two. Before the movie was released, before

Barbara began to see strange

graffiti

it

was even

cast,

on the walls of women's

Westwood Boulevards: 'Shane Black is a Lethal Weapon'; 'Shane, Weapon, Lethal'; 'Shane - Check that Weapon' etc. 'I know one bimbo, creams her restrooms

in all the bars

along Pico and

jeans at the mention of his name,' Barbara said. Success,

it

seemed, had usurped the qualities of glamour, excitement, even

IT

HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

95

/

orgasm, that once belonged to sex. 'Imagine getting a $1.5m contract,' said Barbara.

Moss drove time.

It

was

'It

would be

at reckless speed, as

five-thirty,

coming

trying to

for a year.'

make up

and Barbara was asleep

to slap at a mosquito,

waking occasionally glimmer above the

if

like

desert.

Moss

said, 'That's

in the back,

and it.

for lost

saw

I

a red

Las Vegas. The

butt end of the

American dream. The only town where I ever saw

false teeth in a

pawn shop window. And

prosthetic devices. I've

more roll.' minutes and dawn was breaking.

seen a guy trade his glass eye for one

Another

thirty

I

could

make

out details in the desert: cactus plants and sage brush, debris littering the sand, it

grew

light the

We passed a scrapyard that was over a mile long and

then to red.

may have

rock eroded into weird and tortured shapes. As

rock changed colour, from purple to blue, and

contained a million disintegrating wrecks. In a gully at

the side of the interstate a truck, aiming a

rifle

the tyre bobbled

came

a

moment

man

at a tyre.

leaned over the open door of his

Smoke puffed from

the barrel and

among the rocks. An echoing crack, the shot, Moss said, 'Every now and then one of

later.

those guys will turn around and take a bead as you go past.

Maybe Soon

only for a few seconds, but after

we

it

puts you real uptight.'

shot over the crest of a

hill

and there was Las

Vegas, a suburban sprawl with a congregation of high-rise buildings at lights it

were

its

still

centre.

These were the big hotels and

on, bleeding light into the morning.

turns out Hell has been designed by the

their

Moss

neon

said,

New York mob,

it

'If

will

be a lot like Las Vegas.'

At six-twenty Las Vegas seemed ghostly, unreal. Las Vegas Boulevard, the Strip, was deserted, strewn with either side the big hotels

litter

seemed cheated by the day,

as

if

and on

made of

cardboard. Caesar's Palace resembled a faqade for a multi-storey car park. At this hour of the

morning Las Vegas was not

impressive.

Moss

pulled up outside the Flamingo Hilton.

had pink windows and to Al

a limousine outside

The Flamingo

which once belonged

Capone. The limousine was long and grey, heavy with

96

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

armour

Barbara and

plating.

down the Strip. 'Where did Moss go?'

I

MAP

A

Moss gunned

got out, and

the

Cadillac

said Barbara, yawning.

'Some club outside town.'

gonna play there sometime?'

'He's

He wanted

'I'm not sure.

some

'Let's get

was

It

meet someone.'

to

coffee.'

when we met

six twenty-three

the first man. He lurched He was in bad shape, tall and suit. He carried a copy of the Las

towards us on the pavement. scraggy, with a filthy, torn

Vegas

News

one hand and

in

in the

other held a bottle of Pepto-

Bismol from which he took long, gulping swigs.

He seemed

unhinged. 'Seven, nine, craps,' he babbled, 'seven, eleven, snakeeyes.'

'Are you

OK?'

asked.

I

he said.

'Just tell me,'

'Just say the

word and I'll blow my

brains

out.'

'Don't do

said Barbara.

it,'

The man thought

moment. 'No?'

for a

'Really, no.'

The man

lifted the bottle

something, lady, you're Just guts

it

of pink liquid to his

lips.

right. I've got to get right

out,' he said.

'Could you find

it

in

'You know

back

in there.

your heart to lend

me, say, $2,500?' Five minutes later

we met the second man. We had

past a metal pole, on top of which rotated an shoe. That

collar.

I

asked

coffee?' His accent

'And something to

I

enormous

silver

if

he

knew anywhere

that

was

for breakfast.

'You want

'I

walked

man had a red face and black hair like a Beatle wig. Fat

wrinkled over his

open

just

am

Horst.

I

was

thick

and clumsy.

eat.'

make you

breakfast,' he said.

we didn't want to put him to any trouble. He was He took my arm and led us to a building set back from road. From the outside it resembled a large, pink dog kennel. said

insistent.

the

That was how

it

seemed on the

inside as well.

There was a smell of

HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

IT

97

/

urine and an Afghan burped and farted in a basket in one corner

of the room.

This

Dirty Harry/ said Horst. 'He

is

is

very old now, very

fat.

He makes urine all the time on the floor. This is why there is the A fierce belch confirmed Dirty Harry's presence. Horst plugged in an electric kettle for coffee. He pushed slices of bread into a toaster. He explained that he had lived in Las Vegas since 1971. He was Norwegian. He had grown up in Oslo, smell.'

and came to America when bankrupt.

Las Vegas.

his father's

lumber business went

He had lived for six months in Boston, He said, 'You from England, no?'

then

moved

to

'That's right.' 'I

was

there in England, in the war.

writing of 'I

'You

and

Graham

saw him

I

study of the

Greene.'

once.'

did,' said

fat

Now make

He

laughed,

noose. 'You saw

Graham

Horst, delighted by the revelation.

shook round

his

neck

like a

Greene? Where?' 'In

London. He was going into a Catholic church. The one

mentioned

This

is

in

The End of the

my

tortured,' he said.

'Very 'I

Affair.'

favourite book.

'And

Mr

About

Greene.

faith

and

What was he

So

fidelity.

like?'

tall.'

see.

I

see.'

He

scratched his chin with

plump

fingers

and

turned to Barbara. 'You and him,' he said. 'You wish to become

man and I

had

wife?'

considered this a strange twist in the conversation, even just

been discussing

'You are here chapel.'

I

after

Graham

all,'

he said.

we

'In

The Hitching Post wedding

looked around. There was a cross on the wall, a bible on

a chair, boxes of confetti

didn't look like a

on

'Just like that?'

not?'

a shelf.

It

was

discreet.

The place

wedding chapel.

Barbara made up her mind it.'

'Why

if

Greene.

in a

few seconds. She

said, 'Let's

do

98

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

'You

like

to

meet for a reason,

six thirty-five

22

MAP

really think so?'

'We had At

A

carat, he said,

could give

it

right?'

Horst sold us the

ring, for $19.50.

no one would ever notice the

to our grandchildren.

It

was

just

difference,

we

We drank our coffee and went

with him to the Clark County Court to pick up the marriage licence.

That took

The Hitching threw

fistfuls

less

than

fifteen

Then we were back

minutes.

at

Harry was awake, howling, Horst

Post. Dirty

of confetti in the

air,

and

I

Barbara's finger. At four minutes to seven

pushed the ring on

we became man and

wife.

I

lay

on

a king-size bed in a

$25 room

at the Circus Circus casino.

Barbara was asleep beside me, clutching a pillow

like

it

was

a

I remembered that before I'd left London I'd been to Heywood. I'd known Heywood for years. I told him I'd had a heart attack. He was a consultant at the Middlesex Hospital and

teddy bear. see

expert in the output of the Rolling Stones, 1963-1971.

gave

me

He

once

a black ink drawing of Keith Richards, looking gaunt

and devastated. Heywood was an avid Keith Richards man. 'Mick's Stones.'

all right,'

he said. 'Mick

Heywood

isn't

bad. But Keith

is

the Rolling

claimed to have performed major chest

surgery while listening to 'Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown'. that day he

explained

wore a white coat and

I'd

On

a red tie crusted with egg yolk.

been watching Errol Flynn

in

I

The Sea Hawk on TV;

my chest; knew was about to die. He smiled. said was serious. He shrugged and led me to a nurse who shot X-rays of my chest and back, and then into a grey and sour-smelling examination room. Paint flaked from the walls. He put a stethoscope to my heart, checked my pulse and blood pressure, took my temperature. He inspected the X-rays and said there was nothing wrong with me that he could see. definitely hadn't had a heart attack. He really couldn't say what had a terrible pain had scorched I

I

I

I

I

happened: medicine was such an imprecise science.

'How's Jane?' he asked, lighting a Marlboro. 'How are you

two

getting on?'

HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

IT

99

/

'OK. Not too good/ 'Why's that?' I'd told 1

him

that

I

was, well, bored.

got off the bed and went to the window. Signs twirled above

The girls

Strip: .

.

.

'Graveyard Keno

girls in

is

back', 'Slots Hysteria', 'Girls

pornographic shoes'.

married Bunny Barbara. Bored?

At noon Barbara and other. In the

lift

I

a balding

went

I

was

in

I'd licked that

out.

man said:

Las Vegas.

problem

I

.

.

.

had

alright.

We had our arms round each 'I

was married one time. That

was when I was in the demolition business. Three weeks later I fell through the roof of a building we were knocking down, thirtyfive feet, broke my arms and legs, had terrible internal injuries. My wife was already pregnant. She went to work in a department store, divorced me while I was still in traction. Yessir, marriage is a noble institution.' When he got out of the lift Barbara and I looked at each other, and giggled. We walked up The Strip, through the air-conditioned lounges of the Flamingo, past the rows of video poker games and churning slot machines, and out into the garden. There was a plaque in honour of Bugsy Siegel, the New York gangster who saw the Nevada desert and decided to put the Flamingo, the first of the big gambling hotels, there. The plaque was bronze and surrounded by tall rose bushes flowering pink and red. It said:

Remember Filthy Frankie Giannattsio? How about notorious Howie Dennis? Perhaps you recall the scurrilous Mad Dog

Big

Neville.

They were

all

associated with Bugsy at one time or

another and coincidentally they rather suddenly.

has

it

that

moon you do you

if

all

vanished into thin

No trace was ever found of them. The rumour

you stand on

this spot at

midnight under a

can hear three muffled voices saying, 'Bugsy,

like the roses,

full

how

Bugsy?'

Barbara said Patterson had once written a gangster

was

air

called 'Born to Shoot'. She said he

relationship with the character.

had developed

They used

script. It

a psychic

to talk to each other.

I

100

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

wondered

if

there

on the

'Guy told Patterson to go out about

Patterson didn't do

it.

and joined I

said

I

a

MAP

by any chance the gangster had run into Barbara's

somewhere up

father,

A

gun

club.

thought

kill

Barbara

said,

someone, so he could write

of course.

He

just

bought

a pistol

Kinda neat, huh?'

was

it

it,

astral plane.

a very

good thing she wasn't

living with

Patterson any more.

Moss with

oil.

said,

'I

arrived.

He was

He had

had

to wait an

with showed up.

sweating, and his pink suit

the air of

George Custer

hour before the guy

When

was scarred

at Little Big I

Horn. He

was supposed to was as big

the guy did arrive he

deal as a

was to offer to remove my was someone else. I got that straightened out. Then I was coming back into town and the fuel pump on the Caddy died. I had to wait two hours for the repair.' He sighed and forced a smile. Tell me,' he said, 'how did you garbage truck. The lungs,

first

thing he did

because he thought

two spend your morning?'

I

P

A R T 4

t

In

my dream

hospital

A

operating

machines with

the

bunny

suit,

and walked

in stilettos

door opened into what seemed to be a theatre.

lights

a table. Barbara

When

wore

I

along a corridor.

and

There were oxygen tanks and

dials. Surgical

and Patterson were

instruments gleamed on

in conversation, laughing.

he saw me, Patterson stopped laughing and forced his

He

expression into one of profound sensitivity.

hand. This

is

the best thing

all

took

me by

the

round,' he said.

'Really,' said Barbara.

The

only way,' said Patterson, 'the best solution.'

'Really,' said Barbara, giggling.

A

tall

man came

in.

He wore

am

here to help you.

To

gown and

a surgeon's

covered the lower half of his face.

'I

am Dr

help you realign.

And

the

his

stretched

scrutinized

wide jaw

material

what

set in a grin.

of

the

The

bunny

I

'I

He He advanced

scalpel carved

suit

lay beneath. 'Yup, just as

mask

harmonize.'

bent over the table and picked up a scalpel.

towards me,

a

Garcia,' he said.

open

and Dr Garcia thought,' he said,

104

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

and seized

my penis between thumb and forefinger.

have to do something about

woke

I

MAP

A

A

up.

was

radio

'We're gonna

this.'

blaring.

was

I

beach with

at the

Barbara. The beach was like the beach always was: people shouting,

men

was painful beach.

It

like

Charles Atlas plunging through the surf on

women

bodyboards,

with swimsuits and suntans and bodies

to look at.

was

I

city,

It

Throughout the 1920s

the theory.

strongest, fittest

by the thousand to the

didn't like the

I

was Los Angeles, I had Germany, which had given the world a

was developing

and 1930s the a

hadn't told Barbara but

the physical perfection.

decided, not Hitler's

master race.

I

it

and most beautiful people came

hoping to make

it

movies. Only

in the

few succeeded but most stayed on anyway, enjoying the climate,

getting healthy

having children

on the

diet,

who had

marrying each other, interbreeding,

children

who

looked

like these

here on the beach: lean, tanned, blond, strong troopers, surf Nazis.

I

was convinced.

was

I

-

people

bikini storm-

certain that

one

would come up and boot sand in my face. The sun was relentless. My sunglasses were on and my shoulders were toasting.

had been preparing

I

needed an oxygen

for her audition.

A

1001 Movie Speeches for Actors lay beside argued over what

lines she

tent.

Barbara and

I

thick paperback titled

me on the towel. We'd

should prepare, settling for something

of Jane Fonda's from Klute.

The thing about going

to the beach

with Barbara was that someone always tried to take her home.

Men

in

Ferraris.

gold swimming costumes offered her rides in their

Photographers suggested she come and pose for an hour

or two at their Malibu studios. Sometimes

At the moment, for instance, she was

it

started innocently.

at the ocean's edge,

about to

race with one of the lifeguards. This happened regularly. Barbara

was

the sprint

champion of Santa Monica beach. The

name was Tom. He was

lifeguard's

a big factor in the surf Nazi theory.

He

had a blond crew cut and very wide, bronzed shoulders. Each of his fists

was roughly the same size as his head. A distance had been for the race and a crowd had gathered to watch.

measured out

Barbara dropped into a sprinter's crouch, wrists arched,

left

knee

FALLING APART Someone

poised inches above the sand.

Tom

race began.

and tanned

tall

in a

flagged a T-shirt and the

went into an

the lifeguard

'Roberto,' a voice said loudly.

It

105

/

early lead.

belonged to a woman. She was

ketchup-red swimsuit.

On

her thigh was a

white scar in the shape of a figure eight.

'Roberto/ she said again.

looked around. She seemed to be

I

talking to me.

me/ I said. 'Do know you?' She gave me a tolerant smile. She told me we had met at a party 'Excuse

I

was in a warehouse downtown, that place with old rock videos and bats flying in the rafters. 'John Gregory was there and Carlos, and Millie did the the previous week. Didn't

trick

remember?

I

It

with the peach,' she said.

i don't think 'Definitely.

I

so.'

remember. Millie

definitely did the trick

with the

peach.'

i mean

I

don't

remember us having met. I wasn't at the

'You weren't} Your name said

I

it

was Richard,

is

party.'

Roberto?'

actually.

I

wondered about

the trick with

the peach.

'How

totally weird,' she said.

you are English, confirmed

I

'How

totally, totally weird.

But

right?'

this.

She held her head on one side and squinted at

me. She grinned, revealing pointy teeth and gums which matched the colour of her swimsuit.

It

was

her age at about thirty. She said,

a predatory

mouth.

guessed

I

'Then you must help

me

with

something.' 'I

must?'

'Of course. Don't go away now.' I

told her

I

wasn't going anywhere, and she trotted

off.

I

looked

towards the ocean. The race had reached halfway. Barbara was

making her move. She stretched the lifeguard as though he

out, legs

The woman came back, with a a London accent.'

some help with 'I

don't understand.'

pumping, and went past

were immobile. hefty book. She said,

'I

need

106

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

Tm

studying for a

'What

sort of

'You mean

MAP

A

role.'

London accent?' more than one?'

there's

'Quite a few.'

'You

see.

I

do need the advice.

really

get these things right,' she said. She

me

towel and handed collected

the book.

It's just

so important to

dropped beside me on the

It

was

a

volume from the

works of George Bernard Shaw. The black and yellow

cover was greasy with a suntan

oil that

smelled of coconuts. She

know all about Eliza Doolittle. What part of London did she live in? What was the house like? What would her family do for entertainment? Would they have entertainment at all? What was her total lifestyle? And how did she speak? That wanted

to

seemed most important of

The woman wanted

all.

know,

to

precisely. I

looked at her. She was expectant. She was so close

smell her breath: white wine and apricots.

was

this

Was

I

could

she serious, or

an elaborate pick-up? Perhaps she came to the beach

with an entire library to cover

all

German

possible encounters: a

would be given Buchner, or Goethe perhaps; a Norwegian would be greeted with Ibsen; a Frenchman, Racine; a Greek, Sophocles; and so on. I wondered about Australians. Had Patrick White written any plays?

Or perhaps

was

she

surf-Nazi Gestapo.

room decked out with

administration of pain.

was chaired

her away, roaring.

on mine, waiting.

remember what I

said,

'It's

I

I

I

I

grew

of the

instruments for the

won

looked for Barbara. She had

aloft

looked

at the

told myself

I

woman. Her

eyes were fixed

was being paranoid. It was very

knew about Pygmalion.

a long time since

up in the East

the

by hulking beach boys. They carried

I

tried to

little.

all.'

End of London, probably

terraced house with an outside

I

read the play.'

'Anything will be useful. Anything at 'She

member

grimly imagined a house converted to a

I

torture chamber, each

race and

crazy, a real psycho, a

toilet.'

'They had to go outside to the John?'

in a small

FALLING APART it wasn't unusual in those days.

It

/

107

must have been the same

here.'

i wasn't around 'Anyway, Eliza

then,' she said.

lived in this house.

because she had to work

much

ew

voice loik this. Are

all

She probably didn't go out

the time,

lumme,

jokin? Cor,

and she sortuv 'ad a

know what

streuth,

I

mean?' 4

A Cockney

accent.'

'You know?' She knew? 'Yeah,

I

know

that stuff,' she said, flapping at an insect

buzzed round her head. 'Would you

like to tie

me

which

up?'

'Excuse me?'

'Would you gums.

'Let's

me up?' She smiled,

like to tie

go to

my

revealing her terrible

You can do

apartment. Let's go right now.

anything you want to me.'

i don't think 'Anything at I

this

so.' all,

except fuck me.'

About

said, 'I've got this theory.

California.

goes like

It

.' .

.

i mean

it,'

she said, i really

The movie fittest,

mean

it.'

The

industry got going in the 1920s.

most beautiful

strongest,

.' .

.

'You don't think I'm

attractive?'

She frowned.

'You're very attractive.'

'Then what's the matter?' I

looked down.

My

rattled the pages of

toes wriggled

again towards the ocean. I

said,

A

on the towel.

light breeze

1001 Movie Speeches for Actors. I'd lost sight

i'm here with someone

The woman leaned

close.

I

I

looked

of Barbara.

else.'

felt

her breath on

my

cheek. She

said, 'Faggot.' I

said

up the ration.

I

rather thought I'd like to read the paper

now and picked

LA Times. examined its pages with maniacal concentOn page four there was a story headlined 'Gaol for

Groucho'.

I

It

said: 'Allen Strick, 53, suspected of being

one of two

108

/

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

MAP

A

men who robbed 1 1 Los Angeles area banks, has been arrested at Glendale home and booked on one charge of bank robbery,

his

The

authorities said today.

bandits,

who

dressed as priests,

construction workers, businessmen, Walt Disney characters and

members of

Marx

the

Bros comedy team, allegedly robbed the

banks of $380,000 over the

The woman's

my

Los Angeles even

a IVi-year period.' In

bank robbers were taking auditions.

paper.

I

was

face

book, faggot?'

I

still

gave

it

close to mine. She said, 'Can

to her, keeping

my

heard her move away across the sand.

towel and closed

have

I

eyes fixed on the I

lay

back on the

my eyes, grinning with relief, thinking: anything

except fuck me}

'Who was I

blinked.

that?' said Barbara. said,

I

'Some

girl.

An

actress.

She wanted advice

about a London accent.' 'A

London

accent?'

'Crazy, isn't

it?

Perhaps

I

should start an acting studio.

Me and

Lee Strasberg.' 'Oh,' said Barbara. She fanned a

wad

of dollar

bills.

'I

won.

Easy. Like taking candy from a baby.' 'I

saw.

came

How did Tom take it?'

into view,

'Yo, Babs,' he called. feet shuffled.

bobbed.

me

It

'I'll

said, us.

and

at that

moment Tom

His walk was a goosestep.

beat you one of these days.' His huge

His muscles trembled. His bullet head rocked and

seemed impossible

another shot at the

'Some

I

marching towards

for

him

to keep

still.

'Wanna

give

title?'

time.'

'How about now?' Barbara inspected the sky. the sun. She viewed

beach now,' she

Tom

was

bummed.' He

'We have

A

lone cloud was sidling towards

with disapproval.

'I

think we'll leave the

said.

shattered. said

it,

He

said,

'I'm

bummed.

he totally did.

to take the bus.'

'The bus,' said

'My

this

Tom.

car's in the shop.

Richard doesn't

drive.'

I'm

totally

FALLING APART smile vanished from

The

Tom's

face

expression of complete bewilderment. his

from

his skull,

and was replaced by an

He

forehead with a meaty finger.

from

A

flicked

beads of sweat

balloon seemed to

ride.

You could

Barbara

said,

That's

I

said, 'But

Tom

A

with the message: Does not drive?

He said, 'Say, come back to my place.'

occurred to him and the smile returned.

you guys a

we

109

/

I

rise

thought

could give

real nice of you.'

couldn't possibly.

said, 'Hey, guys. It'd be

no

Thanks

for the offer.'

trouble.'

'No, thanks.' 'Really?'

'We

like to take the bus.'

'You do?'

'We

love to take the bus.'

Tom

mouth dropped open. 'I'm heavily bummed. But whatever you guys wanna do, I guess that's OK.' His bullet head bobbed, and pecked Barbara on the cheek. He grasped my hand and pumped it up and down. He said, 'Babs,

found

guess

I

this

I'll

incomprehensible. His

see

you around,' and ran towards the

sea, legs

ploughing the sand.

Barbara 'I

said, 'That

don't think

Tom

was

rude.'

minded.'

'Tom's a nice guy.' I

said,

'Tom was dropped on

his

head as a baby.'

She laughed, kissed me. 'What did she really want?'

'Who?' 'The

woman, dummy.'

'She

was

trying to pick

me

up.'

Silence. 'It's true.'

me a wanted me to

Barbara gave

disbelieving look.

'She

go to her apartment. She wanted

her up.'

'With chains and handcuffs,

I

guess.

Or

silk ties.'

'She didn't specify.'

She

said,

'Your imagination, your mind.'

me

to tie

110

wondered what

I

I

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

that

was supposed

walked with Barbara towards 4th

about the bus

Los Angeles:

in

mean.

Monica.

St in Santa

was

it

to

MAP

A

the

I

thought

way to travel. Once I had

waited for over two hours at the corner of Sunset and Crescent

Heights Boulevard when a driver with a cowboy hat and a drawl-

was

ing voice like Harrison Ford decided he

solution to the problem get off. turn,

We

was

and make everyone

to stop the bus

watched from the pavement

sick of his job. His

made

as he

a sweeping

gunned the engine and headed back up Sunset, laughing and

waving

Behind

his hat.

me

a

woman

in a

pink shirt that hugged

tight across her breasts said 'Ain't that a bitch',

walnuts and smashed them

took out a bag of

palm, one by one.

in her

A thin, spotty

how he made a TV commercial with Roy Orbison, 'You know, guy who did Pretty Woman, pretty woman dada dada street, from then on my career was downhill, tell ya man

told his girlfriend

I

showbiz sucks, tuna

I've

had

and

fish salad,'

a

it

with showbiz,

design on his T-shirt prowled up and

with angry eyes.

By turn

I

felt

I've

had

young Mexican with

down

it

with the green

a dripping blood

the shelter, staring

We had waited. And we had waited some more.

pissed off, edgy, scared. Finally

was just bored. I no

I

woman who cracked walnuts, the the drivers who went by in their cars

longer paid attention to the stalking Mexican, or even

with the windows open, shouting 'Losers, asshole Eventually another bus had

We

the

hill,

losers'.

burping fumes.

got on. There was a kid at the back, about twelve years old

with ginger hair.

and

his smile

Beverly Hills

automatic. a

in

come down

It

He had

was an

ingratiating

when looked

wedged between his feet gleam. We were somewhere in

a skateboard

the kid pulled out a tiny silver-handled like a toy.

He pressed it to the head of a man

business suit and said so fast

I

nearly couldn't hear,

'Gimmeallyomoneyrightnowmotherfuckertherwiseblowyoheadfuckincleanoff.' scarcely put his I

hand

told Barbara

Rams bag

The man had been so

terrified

he could

in his jacket to reach for his wallet.

none of

this.

She had her blue-and-gold

LA

over her shoulder and her bare legs were tucked into

FALLING APART Nike said,

Her movements were all spring and 'You really like travelling on the bus?' trainers.

/

111

grace. She

democratic.'

'It's

She made a snorting sound. 'Does democracy arrive on time?' 'Never had to wait more than

we

five

minutes,'

I

lied,

and when

were at the stop the Venice Boulevard bus, the 33, did pull

up almost immediately.

and juddering.

rattling

We got on It

pictures of missing children

Aged

Have you

14;

was a very old bus. The smudgy - Have you seen Maria? Disappeared

Have you

3-23-80, Aged 7;

and the bus moved forward,

seen Clarence? Last seen 6-25-78,

seen William? Last seen 9-1-82,

Aged

4.

Contact the Transit Police 213-800-8000 - were years out of date.

A

stained, tattered poster asked:

of a Transit Crime?, and the

smoked

'Have You Been a Victim

windows were more and bus was packed. A

Plexiglass

loose and flapped like insect wings. At the next stops

more passengers trudged on board. Soon

the

gang of bad boys came through the crowd, shoving and

making

jostling,

One wore a blue Dodgers cap and one held Mouth in a brown paper bag. One carried a

for the back.

a Mickey's Big

baseball bat and one

had a knife tucked

in his belt. All

were

drunk, or stoned, or both. Unease rippled along the bus. I

said,

One

think we're in trouble.'

'I

of the bad boys had stopped by our seat.

A

the Dodgers cap.

livid scar

ran

down

I

said,

Look

at those thighs. Like

I

was

the one in

He

appraised

He

said,

'Check

Bambi. Oh, man.'

'Watch out, you.'

He grabbed my It

was

his cheek.

Barbara's legs and turned to his companions. the chick.

It

arm: 'What the fuck did you say?'

a fair question.

thought:

I

am

What had I

about to become a

said?

And why had

statistic

I

said

it?

on the Transit Crime

Computer.

He that?

said,

'Watch out. Watch out. What kind of weird

Where

are

shit

is

you from, man? Venezuela?'

'He's from England,' said Barbara.

The bad boy ignored and kissed me. He

said,

this.

He

my

shoulders

tailpipe, nerdy.

And keep

put his arms on

'Go suck your

112

out of

my

said,

He pushed

face.'

Barbara I

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

his

way

MAP

A

back of the bus.

to the

move.'

said, 'Nice

'Another triumph for democracy.'

At the back the bad boys were shouting and laughing. The other passengers were being very English about the situation, ignoring the bad boys, pretending they were invisible, inaudible,

but phrases loomed out: 'Fucking bitch

waste the sucker the turkey

.

.

.

.

pop

.

.

roll the

mother ...

the dude.'

I

.

.

.

trash the guy

get myself a piece

presumed they were

.

.

.

.

.

.

gut

referring to

me.

Barbara rubbed a sleeve against the grimy window. She

wrong

think we're on the

said,

'I

bus.'

said, 'You're telling me.'

I

mean this bus isn't going the right way. We're on Lincoln.

'I

We

shouldn't be on Lincoln. Should we?' I

looked out of the window. She was

heading

right.

We were on Lincoln,

completely the wrong direction. The bus banked

in

suddenly to the

left,

sweeping

down

on-ramp of the Marina

the

Freeway. The motion was so violent that an old couple were

They screamed. The bad boys

spilled into the aisle.

were also reacting. They were angry: 'Hey .

.

this

.

this

bus

is

bus going?

A

.

.

.

this ain't

woman was

black

He

didn't

'Whadidya

know

his

say?' said

'The driver of the bus

.

.

.

.

.

.

back

where are we?

where the fuck

is

no fucking LA.'

at the front, talking to the driver.

shouted that the driver had been driving days.

man

on the frigging freeway, man

at the

way around

this route for

yet.

He was

She

only two

lost.

one of the bad boys. is lost.

Does anyone know where we are?'

'Lost?'

'Oh, shit 'Believe

.' .

it,

.

man

.' .

.

'Oh shit: The bad boy with the baseball bat stood up. He was tall and rangy, and smoked the biggest joint I've ever seen, a cigar-sized .

.

spliff that aisle,

.

leaked marijuana on the floor.

saying 'Ladies and gentlemen.

He swaggered down

My name

is

Chokey.

1

the

am

FALLING APART now

He

taking control here/

RTD

RTD

how

recreation centre,

was

sort of fun he

he liked to design female underwear bustin' to break in there

his directions

we see the wonderful now we all know what a wild left

and crazy guy Howard was, and what

all just

would now boldly go

had gone before. He accompanied

with an erratic commentary: 'On our

Howard Hughes

113

stood at the front, pointing the

baseball bat, announcing that this

where no

/

V

all,

and get us some

.

so .

.

I

into,

guess we're

recreation.

A

way over there to our right there's the MGM Studios where they make movies and Dallas and shit, and an airport where lots of small aeroplanes take off to buzz the

no one does

shit

about

it

'cos this

plane wherever the fuck he

Washington High, where

likes,

jets

just here

know

to hear

do together, beat anything you can

telling

coming out of LAX and

a free country,

and

used to

I

and I'm sure you folks would love to

is

guy can

on the

about the

that's

left,

this chick, she

see

fly his

was

stuff

hot,

we used

on video, but

I

ain't

.' .

.

After fifteen minutes of this, he gave the bat a final waggle, and

was back on course, back on Venice. There were

the bus

pushed the bell-tape and we stood to get

cheers.

I

off.

'Nerdy wants off the bus,' said the one with the Dodgers cap. 'Nerdy don't dig the magical mystery tour. Nerdy wants to go

back to Venezuela.'

The pneumatic doors suggested that next time

Tom's

I

offer of a ride.

called

I

hissed I

new

We

got

off.

Barbara

might, possibly, consider accepting

said,

Takowsky. He was

thinking, had lots of

open.

'Next time.'

as suave as ever.

ideas.

I

told

him

I'd

been

Did he want to hear about them?

He said of course he wanted to hear about them, but not now. He was pushed for time. He told me to make notes and send them in. I

said that

was

fine,

and perhaps he'd

like to

hear about just one of

He chuckled. He said he'd like nothing better but he was on his way out to see his tailor about some new

the ideas immediately.

suits

and he was

in a blind rush to

very famous client

make it in time

for lunch with a

who he was taking to the only restaurant in the

114

'

entire

He

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

A

MAP

Los Angeles area which had three unlisted phone numbers.

said they

cooked the most delicious rabbit

fattened the animals with foie-gras and slaughtered

premises.

was

It

Norris and

I

there.

They

them on

the

exquisite, he said.

were up on Mulholland, a remote stretch near Stone

Canyon. The van bounced and road had turned into a

jolted.

dirt track.

I

We'd gone too we were

told Norris

far.

The

lost.

We

stopped and got out to look at a map. At the roadside were purple flowers covered in dust.

A twisted, rusting door lay at the bottom

of a steep bank. Everything

was over

was silent. Below,

a thin layer of

smog

the city like tissue paper. Norris said Mulholland Drive

had these weird extremes: back

in the direction

from which we'd

come were the spectacular houses where young movie czars lived; here it was like a desert. Mulholland was named after William Mulholland, an

Irish

immigrant who became chief engineer of the

Los Angeles water department and one of the

city's

legendary

robber barons. At the turn of the century he devised a system of

aqueducts and channels to bring water from the

two hundred miles away, and allow Los Angeles

Owens

Valley,

to flourish in an

Owens Valley went bankrupt dam at Santa Ana to collect the water The dam collapsed about twenty years later,

inhospitable landscape. Farmers in

while Mulholland built a he'd plundered.

wave which

over four hundred. So

releasing a

tidal

Mulholland

built another, pointed to the

said,

There

it is,

take

I

water

it

contained and

it."

'Dude,' said Norris. 'The so

killed

LA

councillors liked that statement

much they named a street after him.' knew this story already. It had been used as a

basis for the film

Chinatown, and standing up there on Mulholland, I remembered a foggy night in

Cambridge when

shaggy dog story about the

saw Jack Nicholson tell a way Chinamen screw and follow Faye I

Dunaway's smashed tail-light, and I fell in love with Los Angeles. In the movie it was a city of blinding white by day, and velvety purples and blues by night.

It

seemed corrupt,

exotic, dangerous.

FALLING APART Norris said, 'We'll have to go back.'

We

115

/

got in the van and

turned round. Ten minutes later the road was tarmac again and

soon we were

in the territory of the big

daunting walls and designer security. looking

for,

We drove in. The house was a square box with

white stucco walls and windows

Bauhaus nightmare.

'Oh wow,' I

And

did.

poked

We

I

saw that the water

you look

asked whether

in the

we

It

rose

on

down

stilts

to the

and

He went

to the

sniffed:

I

don't think

it's

Norris

blood,' he

but he thought he had the

'I

put

this stuff in a

pool over

in the

thought there was gonna be an eruption.

Mount

Started bubbling and frothing like

diving board and

'I

this,

call the police.

van and came back with a squat tub

marked PurKlenz. Norris said, Palisades one time,

at that?'

pool was a deep red colour,

shouldn't

said. He'd never seen anything like

The

glass.

parked and walked

said Norris. 'Will

a tentative finger,

answer.

smoked

in

was no one around.

pool. There

like blood.

We found the one we were

Norris held his ID in front of a video camera, a black

iron gate slid open.

like a

houses, lurking behind

dumped

Fuji.'

He

stood on the

the tub's contents into the water.

blue spread like thin fingers into the red and Norris

grinned, saying

two or

'Whaddya know?

think

I

it's

three minutes the PurKlenz gave

working,' but after

up the ghost and we

watched, appalled, as the water turned an even deeper red, a hideous

scarlet.

'Oh

shit,'

A woman came down

said Norris.

the steps

sunglasses and a bikini that

from the house. She wore

was two yellow

stretched across her hips and nipples. She a panther,

and her body shone with

roots but turned

jet

oil.

was

tee. In

bucket and in the other a yapping

was bouncing, and snapping

tall

and moved

like

Her hair was purple at the

black and rose into a

top of her head resembled a golf

belts of material

flat,

razored rug. The

one hand she held an

terrier

on

at her ankles.

a leash.

'Now

The

ice-

terrier

cut that out,

Orson,' she said, hooking the leash over a white, throne-shaped chair.

She

set

down

the ice-bucket, extracted a

and ripped through the gold

foil

champagne

bottle

with long nails painted black.

116

ANGELES WITHOUT

OS

1.

/

She eased the cork. She said, 'Know what for a reply.

'I

hate the fact that

I

I

You should have been

know,

hate?' She didn't wait

wasn't here

friends are always saying to me: "Grace,

time.

MAP

A

in the

1940s.

My

you were born out of

here in the golden days."

And you

more care then. Mayer, Selznick, and Cohn. Those guys had style. The stars had style. The movies had style.' The cork was expelled with a bang. It through the

fizzed

sank She

think they're right. Everyone took

I

air,

came down, bounced into the pool and Champagne foamed over her hands.

in the turgid, red water.

said, 'That's

what

I

hate. There's

no such thing

as

Hollywood

now.' 'Dude,' said Norris. 'Check that wahini.'

The wahini gave

us each a glass of champagne, and stared into

the pool. She said, 'Say,

you two are the poolmen?'

'We're the poolmen,' confirmed Norris. gotten worse,' she said. This didn't seem to bother her. She

'It's

seemed fascinated by the water.

'It's

really weird,

you know,

like

something from a horror movie.' I

said,

'What did you do

to the pool, exactly?'

She shrugged. 'We woke up

Nicko says probably

it's

this

morning and there

it

was.

connected with the comet.'

'The comet?'

'You know, the one that appears every seventy years or sorts of at

so. All

weird stuff happens. Storms. Assassinations. Hit movies

Columbia.' 'Halley's Comet.'

'That's

it.'

But Halley's Comet,

I

'Yeah. But Nicko says

said, it's

had been and gone. gotta be around someplace, right?

Exerting an influence.' 'I

see.'

'So

what

will

you guys do? Can you

Norris said, 'We can artists. I

and

But

this

is

a

fix

problem.

anything. It

wondered why we couldn't fill

it

up again.

fix it?'

We

will require

consider ourselves

many

treatments.'

just drain the pool, sluice

it

out,

FALLING APART

117

/

"Frequent treatments,' said Norris.

long as the job gets done.'

'Just as

get done,' said Norris, his eyes following the

'It'll

released the terrier, picked

up the champagne

woman as she

bottle,

and walked

towards the house. 'Nice lady,'

said.

I

'A goddess, dude, a goddess.'

Now

understood

I

would be planning

why we

couldn't just drain the pool. Norris

He invented these try and get to know women. Usually, he remained optimistic. He said that

at least five

labyrinthine strategies to the strategies failed, but

more

when he had been removing

once,

in Franklin

visits.

dead chihuahua from

a

oral sex party

which

pool

a

Canyon, a complete stranger had invited him

to an

lasted three days.

some scheme going on her,' said Norris. I suggested that he could, perhaps, drown the dog. Norris said I was lucky, having married a woman like Barbara. He asked how the marriage was turning out. 'Fine,' I said. In fact it was a question that had been puzzling me as well. gotta get

'I've

Barbara and

like a

I

had been married

for

weeks and nothing had

What happened in Las Vegas seemed surreal, dream. Barbara had taken off the ring two days after we got

changed, not

really.

Bunny Mother, had

back. Tina, the

told her to

do

so.

Bunnies

might have been prohibited from dating customers, but

it

was

also understood that they should not appear totally unavailable.

now wore the was uncomfortable. Barbara

ring

round

a chain

on her neck. She

And there was something else. Things were going badly I

kissed,

before

I

licked,

I

nibbled,

I

stroked,

I

sucked with eager

said

it

in bed.

lips,

but

could coax Barbara to orgasm, as soon as she locked her

I

legs

round

and

bit

my back, when, in short, she began to moan and grind,

my neck, when she

began to show any sign of excitement,

and was unable to prevent my own climax. It was driving me mad. Afterwards I would lie on top of Barbara, I

yelled 'Geronimo'

spent, ashamed.

about

it

either.

I

We

didn't imagine she

avoided the subject.

was

feeling too pleased

118

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

'When

think of that dudely chick

I

you're totally out there, ripping I

it

.

.

MAP

A

said Norris. 'Dude,

,'

.

up, shredding

it,

dude.'

said, 'Thanks.'

Barbara was delirious. She punched the

She jigged up and

air.

down. She hugged her shoulders and made whooping She laughed and kissed me, saying:

a police siren.

something. Let's take crystal Methedrine. Let's

call

noises like 'Let's

do

Moss. Let's go

Raging Waters.'

to

I 'I

'What

said,

is

Raging Waters?'

could party for days.'

'What happened?' 'Everything happened.

happened.

about

I

did the Jane

that, then they

Body Heat, and then

I

did a great audition, that's what

Fonda thing like you said, you were right

had me read with they gave

me

a

this guy,

camera

the best they'd seen so far. Easily. They'll days. But Joel says I'm I

'Who's

said,

home

some scene from

test.

let

I

was

in a

few

Joel said

me know

free.'

Joel?'

'He's the director guy

I

told

you about.

Isn't

it

just the greatest?

Moss or shall I?' Moss came round ten minutes later. Barbara told him the news and made more police-siren noises. I'd never seen her so excited. Moss offered his congratulations, Barbara grabbed a six-pack from the fridge, and we went outside to the Are you gonna I

said I'd

do

call it.

car.

The Cadillac had been serviced: no more infested beer cans on no more clunketa-clunketa rumblings. The bodywork polished and there were shining new hubcaps. Moss looked was the seats,

guilty, as

was

just

though he'd betrayed

gonna up and

went out and bought

a

die

if

I

a principle.

didn't

He said, 'The machine

do something.

It's

not as

if I

BMW.'

We cruised south on the sky

was

dazzling,

Harbor Freeway. The top was down and quivering in the heat. I thought the sky was

about to melt. That could have been the

effect of the crystal

Methedrine, which Barbara had given out

as

soon as we

hit

FALLING APART Venice Boulevard and which

was high

spirits.

made me

feel

weak, light-headed.

drugged stupor. Barbara was

in the back, in a

She imitated the

way

119

/

I

in the front, in

the Cadillac used to sound,

laughing and gesturing with a fanatic energy and enthusiasm. She talked about her happiness and ambition, telling at last she'd fixed on

Moss

that

now

something she wanted to do and there would

be no stopping her. She tried to describe the camera. She said

it

was

Raging Waters was

Anaheim. The

in

capped the Matterhorn

how she

in.

felt in

front of

better than sex. plastic

snow which

Disneyland could be seen from the

lot. Raging Waters cost $15 and was another kind of amusement park. 'Hours of Aquatic Fun' and 'Honk if You're a Swimmer' said the posters. There were chutes and slides, swings and helter-skelters, spiralling ramps and twisting tunnels, all

parking

with thunderous water and yelling, shooting bodies.

filled

It

seemed dangerous. I viewed a steepling helter-skelter called Foam Frolic

and knew

my

stomach wasn't up to

this.

Moss

voiced

similar reservations. 'Wimps,' said Barbara.

Moss and I took in Toddlers'

hidden

in a

off our shoes

and socks.

We dangled our feet

Pool and swigged from a bottle of bourbon

brown Ralph's

we had

bag. In front of us a thick-bodied

man,

small and swarthy, pulled on giant black flippers, strapped

paddles to his wrists, plugged a waterproof Sony in his ears, pulled goggles over his eyes and a silver bathing cap over his

greying hair.

Moss and

I

agreed he was taking things too

far.

Moss asked if he was trying for a part in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The man slapped his feet towards a bubbling maelstrom called Whippy 's Whirlpool. He turned and sneered: 'You two looking for the

little

boys* room?'

He leaped

into the maelstrom,

and vanished. Barbara came back from the changing room. She wore a white swimsuit made of faintly luminous material, pushed her lustrous hair into a Speedo cap

back

in

and when a

curl sprang loose tucked

with a deft motion of thumb and forefinger.

'Watch me,' she

said.

'A pleasure,' said Moss.

it

120

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

A

MAP

She climbed the aluminium ladder which ran up the side of the

Foam

Frolic helter-skelter. Standing

she waved, and threw herself head later she

was

at the

on the platform

first

at the top,

down the chute. Moments

bottom, entering the water

like

an arrow, a

blur of white and tanned flesh.

Moss

said,

'What do you think success does? Does

people straight

off,

know

before you

or does

it's

it

change

sneak up slow and gradual, and

it

been happening, bang, you're a different

person?' I

told

him

I'd

once met the actor Mickey Rourke,

in a

boxing

End of London. The place was researching a feature and

club in Whitechapel, in the East

smelled of liniment and sweat.

Rourke was

there, unshaven,

I

wearing boxing gloves, lounging

across the ropes of the ring. He'd been working out and he

was

breathing heavily. This was a couple of years before he became

famous but there was something about the way he stood and looked: he

was

was already a star, he knew it was going to happen. He He knew what he would become, and was

confident, at ease.

preparing for the

'You 'In a

felt

the

role.

same thing with Barbara?'

way.'

Moss asked how I'd about

it. I

feel if

wasn't sure.

I'd

Barbara became a success.

I

thought

never imagined her in someone

else's

movie.

took more crystal Methedrine. We drove to Brentwood, to The No-Name Bar on San Vicente, a place which had only been open a few weeks and was built in imitation of the Cheers TV

We

show: three-sided bar,

wood

tables

and dark oak

chairs, bare

boards on the floor and sports pennants on the walls. Everything smelled new. Barbara went to 'Tastes like a tyre,' a

make

a

phone

call.

man at the bar was saying, pushing away a

plate that carried a barely touched hamburger. 'Tell Bernice she

didn't

grill this

had a broad

He

burger. She leased

lined face

turned to

it

from Goodyear.' The man

and a forehead

Moss and me. He

to beat

told us his

down doors with. name was Horace

FALLING APART Schwartz and that Bernice was the chef here.

He had

Schwartz bought us drinks, if

I

121

A month ago he had

would be human. and when he discovered I was English

predicted the sex of her child.

asked

/

said

it

found Los Angeles amusing.

That's not quite the word,' Schwartz

said, 'LA's

when Chandler

said

it

I

was

wrote the

the

you remember that

a city with the personality of a

cup he intended a compliment.

came to LA and

said.

right so long as

all

I

whole of her

paper

read a story once that said, "She life

turned to chaos." Actually,

I

story.'

'You're a writer?'

He nodded. He said

he'd written a film for the Beatles, one for

Cary Grant, another for Robert Mitchum, a modern-day vampire story, a surreal

comedy about

the rise

and

fall

of Nazism, and a

novel in the form of a murderous travelogue across America, featuring a death in every state.

Now

and turned the sentences around:

scripts

he took other people's 'I

demand

me a lawyer'; i want a lawyer and want him He made out. He and his wife had a bungalow up on

lawyer'; 'Bring quick'.

the right to a I

Carmelina, postage-stamp lawn out front and patio out back. His

grown

One was

was in accounting at Disney. Neither believed that he had once met Cary Grant. They thought he was eccentric. Barbara was back, demanding alcohol. She swiped a glass from the bar and downed it in one. I introduced her to Schwartz. I said, children were

up.

a dentist, the other

'He wrote a Beatles movie.' 'The words will be on

Barbara

said,

'Who

'Didn't meet either.

my

tombstone,' he said.

did you like best, John or Paul?' I

dealt with the director.'

Barbara was impressed. She

said,

'My

father got tickets for

He took my mom. They were at college then. He was telling me about it a couple of months back. He says he remembers the smell of girls wetting their pants.' 'Your dad a music fan?' said Moss. Shea Stadium.

'He used to 'He

still is?'

be. Still

is.

He's dead now.'

122

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

Barbara smiled. 'You got

A

MAP

it.'

Moss looked bemused.

A TV

NBA

above the bar was on, showing basketball,

play-offs.

A

Laker,

I

think

down

an opponent and moved

it

was Byron

a

game

in the

Scott, dispossessed

the court to score. Schwartz

was

Barbara about the film he'd written for Cary Grant, a

telling

comedy adventure

set in the capitals of

Europe.

It

was one of

those stories where the audience was supposed to be in the dark

about whether Cary Grant was the good guy or the bad guy, except any audience would

know

because he was Cary Grant, even in the dark.

He made

had

Europe

lived in

it

for

if

he was the good guy simply he did wear suits that glowed

sound very complicated. He told her he

many

years and described the house he

once had with his family outside Brussels, a rambling cottage like huge eyes when they reflected brown landscape. His face assumed a He said, 'For about a year I was very big in

with two windows that were the sky above the

flat,

rueful expression.

Belgium.' I

half-listened.

and sun. thought I

was

I

said,

My

needed

I

hallucinating.

thought

'I

head throbbed from the drugs and booze

sleep, badly.

I

just

I

I

glanced towards the door and

clutched Barbara's shoulder.

saw Patterson walk

in.'

'Who's Patterson?' said Schwartz. 'An old 'It's

friend,' said

not him,

'He's

is it?'

I

Barbara. said.

late.'

'Late?'

'Said he'd be here ten minutes ago.'

'What?'

me a kooky grin, it's a big night for me. wanted him come celebrate. He's a good buddy.' A good buddy? Patterson came up. He had trimmed his beard and wore a black She gave

to

leather jacket

I

which smelled as though

motor-cycle gang

it

member unconcerned

Barbara made the introductions.

had once belonged

to a

with personal hygiene.

FALLING APART said. 'Richard,

'And here's Richard,' she

'Yeah,' said Patterson, 'Richard,

He

unpleasant smile.

123

you know.'

know,' and he gave

I

/

turned to Horace Schwartz.

'I

me an

think I've

heard your name. Don't you have credits?'

Schwartz beamed wih pleasure smiled, as I

if

at the recognition.

Barbara

to say: Isn't this marvellous?

my

tried to regain

about writing music for

composure. Moss was asking Schwartz films.

Was

tough to break into? Did he

it

How much did composers get paid for writing moved in beside me at the bar. He said he bet. I could decide the stake - $1,000, $5,000,

have any contacts? scores? Patterson

wanted

make

to

a

even $20,000, anything

I

liked.

That was up

to

me.

'What's the bet?'

'You know,' said Patterson. 'I

do?'

'That

I'll

win

'Win what}

in the end.'

9

Patterson said he'd never give up.

was

I

said

I

know what he

didn't

talking about.

'You

just decide

on the

bet, Richard,'

he said. 'And

money. There are things about Barbara Barbara 'That's

said,

it,'

you'll never

'You two getting friendly

said Patterson.

know.'

are

gonna be

the arm, playfully.

a joke

about a screenwriter he knew

with a

woman in his life.

take the

at last?'

'Me and Richard

good buddies.' He punched me on

I'll

who had

Patterson became the

real

He told me

never been to bed life

and soul of the

party.

Barbara suggested

wood. She Lots and I

more

said, 'Let's take

I

felt

dreadful.

What was

crystal

That night I dreamed I was lot.

to the

Lhasa Club

crystal

in

West Holly-

Methedrine. Lots more.

lots.'

groaned.

confused.

we go

I

felt

(I

know

I've said this before)

Methedrine?

lost,

walking through an empty movie

There were shops with names

like

Nick's Groceries, the

Laredo Saloon and Will's Livery Stable. The sun was

blistering.

124

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

At the end of a

street

I

found a

MAP

A

and

car, a red sports car,

woman

a

was stretched on the bonnet. She made a gun with her thumb and forefinger, saying 'Bang. You're shot.' It was Barbara, who told me I had to go to Lot 55. She did not tell me where Lot 55 was. I carried on. I was filthy with dust and sweat. I came to a in a bikini

wall of red clay with a small, circular entrance like a burrow.

There was a

went

in.

human

sign: 'Lot

was

I

throat.

55 -

strictly

in a tunnel, dark,

no unauthorized personnel'.

hot and narrow.

Ropes hung from the

ceiling

I

pulsed like a

It

and stuck

my flesh

to

pushed through. From the end of the tunnel came an echoing voice: 'Pirates and bikini women prepare to jump.' Beyond the as

I

was

huge as the inside of a cathedral. There were on wheels, and floodlights. Generators whirred and grey smoke billowed over a lake. Squads of men thwacked

tunnel

a space as

cranes, cameras

the lake with paddles, sending oily water lapping over the partly

submerged

hull of a ship. Figures in pirate suits

and

bikinis

perched on a ledge, waiting to jump. The director was young, with a beard and protruding eyes: Patterson.

women,

white megaphone. 'Bikini

women

.

.

.

He

brandished a

ready,' he shouted, 'bikini

jump,' and they did, and each one was Barbara.

Patterson by the shoulders. Didn't he understand?

man. He told me not

to be so

bloody ridiculous.

I

was

the penis

screamed,

I

took

I

'I

am

the penis man.' I

woke

in a chair,

back ached,

my

back

at

our apartment. I was

throat rasped and

my

still

dressed.

tongue was swollen.

My My

mouth seemed to be lined with fungus. My head wore the iron hat and my memory was a jingle-jangle of events in the latter stages of the previous evening. It had turned into a stampede. I remembered a dizzying drive to Hollywood, an entry into a dank,

subterranean nightclub, a band that sounded

consumption of more alcohol, more drugs.

I

like

hell,

seemed also

the

to recall

(could this really have happened?) lying on top of a bar beneath a

whisky

bottle, pressing a

trying to artist

fed It

tell

who

raw

someone about

lived with his

liver

greedy mouth against the optic, and

and

a story

mother

in

I

wanted

to write,

about an

Finsbury Park and had to be

fairy stories twice a day. After that: a blank.

was midday.

I

was alone

in

the apartment. This

was

FALLING APART worrying.

I

had the

feeling

/

125

had behaved very badly. Perhaps

I

Barbara had been angry, and not come home. Perhaps she was with Patterson. I

splashed water in

coffee.

my

There was none.

I

face.

I

looked

in the

cupboards for

decided to go out for breakfast.

On

Venice Boulevard a truck thundered by. Palm trees with hairstyles like

Rod

Stewart rattled

open, lights flashing

- was

in the

A

wind.

police car

- doors

outside the El As de Oros and

uniformed police had someone up against

a wall

spread at twenty past eight. The sun scorched brains seemed about to froth out of

my

head

my

two

with his legs eyes and

my

like sherbet: they

were restrained only by the iron hat which was clamped round

my I

skull

and now tightening.

walked

I

fumbled for

my

sunglasses.

was an old (i.e. 1957) The waitresses was a toaster from the

to Culver City. Ship's Diner

place with a neon sign in the shape of a rocket.

On

were ageing Kim Novaks. age

when

fins

each table

were put on everything.

I

sat in a

booth

in the

corner, ordered coffee, orange juice and toast, and looked over the

LA

Times.

On

page 27

I

read:

ENGLISH TOURIST KILLED BY BAT English holidaymaker

Thomas Walker

Glen Hospital, eight days

has died

after being attacked

in

Beverly

by a rabid bat,

medical authorities revealed yesterday. Walker was driving

in

Canyon with Elizabeth Walker, his wife, when the incident occurred. Mrs Walker said, 'I don't know where the bats came from. We had the top down and they swooped suddenly. They bit my husband repeatedly about the face and neck. It was his first visit to California. He'd been looking forward to it so much. It was his dream. Now he'll be buried here.' The incidence of bat attack in the Beverly Hills area has Benedict

increased

fifty

per cent over last year's figure.

Mr Walker

will

be cremated tomorrow, 3 p.m., in the Hollywood Cemetery.

it

Bat attacks and bunny

girls:

to the English in a big

way.

Los Angeles, I

it

seemed, was giving

pushed toast into

sucked up coffee, wondering whether

I

my mouth and

should go to

Thomas

126

/

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

Walker's funeral, express sympathy,

tell

A

MAP

the

widow

that

knew

I

how she felt, that California wasn't making life a bed of roses for me either. After all, we English should stick together. On the booth to my left a woman described the new Woody Allen movie. She

humorous

saying,

guess you'd say

'I

collection of vignettes. First of

can't really

very

was

remember what

humorous

or a vignette

I

like this really

there's a vignette,

all

about, but

it's

it's

humorous,

it's

I

really

indeed, and then something else happens, a scene,

guess you'd

call

it,

and

that's pretty

and then another vignette that had me laughing series of vignettes,

I

suppose, but very humorous.

funny as well,

a lot. I

It's

think

just a

Woody's

neat, so neat, don't you?'

Another voice I

said:

'May

I

sit

here?'

looked up. The speaker was a short, slim

hair

and

his right

a blue suit.

man

with greying

He was black, and he had a metal claw where

hand should have been.

I

said, That'll be fine,'

and he

sat

He saw my

opposite, reaching out with the claw to grab a menu. stare.

'Excuse me.'

He

was used

smiled, saying he

Ramsay and he was

Vietnam. Nothing dramatic, he

was supervising slipped, crate.

His name was Bennett

it.

He

lost the

his

arm.

home

sent

He

hand

in

not a combat wound, he

said,

and

the unloading of a transport plane

smashing

He was

to

a Culver City attorney.

never even

knew what was

He found

to Philadelphia.

a crate in the

that city 'too

Greyhound

weird' (he didn't elaborate) so he got on a

bus,

headed west, and took the California bar exams. After he qualified he spent ten years with a firm of entertainment lawyers in

Hollywood and then

set

up

his

own

practice.

Ike Turner had been one of his clients.

him

in the divorce

had. Ike

was

crazy, evil.

a

He

used to rave

mean guy and

is

I

mean

about how

whore

He

in

filthy,

she

represented I

ever

he talked crap.

when

South St Louis and

how

'I

mean. He was wild,

he'd found Tina

today, about

said,

of the worst jobs

really

talked dirty, he talked

fourteen-year-old

her what she

Was one

from Tina.

owed him

how

He

she was a he'd

made

everything. He'd

FALLING APART say, "I

own Tina."

I

told

him there was something

amendment which

called the thirteenth

didn't take too kindly to that

knew

and

I

tell

Guy looked

woman

I

like a

ever saw.

was worried

Tina's lawyer. She asked

why

control. Ike

windows

had

just

I

Homburg hat and

a grey

baby.

One

night

couldn't keep

I

I

got a

my

call

client

from

under

been round to Tina's house, blown out the

of her car with a shotgun.'

thought about the story.

were who, something

in

I

wondered how many men

there

some wild moment, hadn't imagined doing went along the following lines:

like that, a script that

'You're not going to do what

thought about the movies

I'd

I

want? No? Well eat

been shooting

in

this, bitch.'

I

my head for years,

movies of passion, movies of obsession, movies real

He

'cos

When she wasn't in court she'd curl up on like a

I

I

pimp. Tina was as cool and demure as

bench outside and sleep

a

prohibited slavery.

you

was just crazy enough to arrange for some of come round and hurt me. He used to show at the

court in a grey Cadillac, wearing a grey

any

country

the time he

all

his friends to

silk suit.

in this

127

/

in

which some

woman would take a role, only for me to find that she'd start

usurping the character Bennett of a guy.

Ramsay was

I'd

created for her.

saying, 'Yeah, that Ike, he

was some kind

He used to say, "I own Tina, man. She's my drugstore."

Barbara came back at four-thirty. She juggled red carrier bags, with

'I

Love To Shop' on the

side.

a hangover. Unbelievably, there

mood. She

said she

had

I

inspected her face for signs of

were none. She seemed

risen early, got

garage, and gone to Santa Monica. She

tossed

me

a parcel.

I

in a

bad

back her car from the

rummaged

in a

bag and

ripped through crinkling paper and found a

black shirt, decorated with huge, green flowers. 'Thanks,'

I

said.

'You're welcome,' she said in a cool voice. I

considered launching a pre-emptive strike, making a blanket

apology for whatever decided to wait.

She

said, 'Boy,

I

I

might have done the previous night, but

didn't have to wait long.

you were out of

it.'

128

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

'Oh,'

A

MAP

said.

I

my

Barbara proceeded to catalogue

misdemeanours.

made myself conspicuous by throwing customers

in the

Lhasa Club.

I

I

had

martini olives at other

had indeed been found

on

lying

top of the bar, trying to drink from a bottle (tequila, not whisky). I

had become boring, talking

to write.

It

in a

loud voice of the books

seemed I had also given Barbara

fact that she'd invited Patterson to the

among

I

wished

a hard time about the

No-Name Bar, calling her,

other names, a bag, a bitch, a bimbo.

I

had challenged

Patterson to a duel.

She said, 'Patterson nearly died laughing.' I

thought,

bet he did.

I

Then you

crashed.

Out

cold.

We had to carry you to the car,'

she said. She kissed me. 'You've got to lighten up, Richard.' It

had been even worse than

A duel? wondered what had been going through my

feared.

Sydney Carton fantasy

sort of wild

mind

I

I

at that point.

Breakfast with the McCreas:

it

happened once

a fortnight

and

'Angels of the Poolside' employees were invited in rotation.

Attendance was expected and

it

was

the turn of Norris

Rayner. The essential thing, Norris warned, was to say as possible, 'Is it

hope

as

for a quick getaway.

that bad?'

'Wait and

see, dude.'

The McCrea in

and

little

was

residence

a pink

bungalow on Rose Avenue

Palms. Plaster statues of Jesus and the Virgin

lawn and

a

message pinned to the door

Atonement, The Choice

Is

said:

Mary were on the 'Prayer-Penance-

Yours!' Norris rang the

bell,

which

chimed the Agnus Dei from Mozart's Coronation Mass. Norris said, 'Cute.'

McCrea opened paper on

the door. There

his jutting chin.

apron was stretched

meat

cleaver.

'Just

was

a

dab of reddened

tissue

Perhaps he'd cut himself shaving.

tight across his barrel chest

An

and he held a

His appearance was gruesome.

preparing the meal,' he said, grinning, beckoning us into

FALLING APART the

room behind him. He made

ready for the Apocalypse. a long sofa in

it

sound

as

/

129

though he was getting

We went in. There was a breakfast bar,

pink leather and the smell of meat cooking. Lights

hung from the ceiling. The thick pile carpet was imperial purple. So was the wallpaper, though in one corner this was stained a darker colour by damp. The stain was in the shape of South America, and above it was a framed photograph of a nuclear mushroom. 'I want you to meet my wife,' said McCrea, still brandishing the that resembled organ pipes

meat cleaver. The Virgin speaks to the world through Marlene. Through her we walk with God.' As if on cue a woman came into the room. She was small and pretty and wore a yellow silk dress. Her feet were bare. She had brown eyes set wide apart and dark hair which curled away at the shoulders. Her skin was very pale. I had never met a religious fanatic. Was this what they looked like? 'James,' she said to Norris, taking his elbows and kissing him on the cheek. Her voice was surprisingly deep. 'And you must be Richard.' She held my hands and examined me, starting at my feet and working slowly up my body, as if looking for the cracks. This went on for a long time. I wasn't sure if I could keep a straight face, and Norris gave me a warning glare. McCrea said, 'Marlene likes to do this with strangers. She's tuning

in, she's

getting your number.'

Marlene smiled and thanked me.

McCrea 'I

could

said,

eat,' said

'And so could his head,

be great but chastisement.

felt like

I

was

sliding

on

ice.

Norris.

I,' I

We sat on stools dipped

I

'Who's hungry?'

said.

at the breakfast bar.

McCrea

closed his eyes,

and Marlene said grace: 'The chastisement

will

man must understand. There must be another And this great chastisement will come from man,

through the hands of a man, and

it

will be a

war so

great

it

will

exterminate the earth, but for the merciful heart of the Eternal Father and the chastisement of the ball of redemption.'

She kept repeating that word, chastisement, with

was she going on about?

I

stared at Norris, raising

relish.

What

my eyebrows.

130

He

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

A

MAP

stared back, expressionless. She continued, 'Bless this food

merciful Father and purge us

O

for the time of chastisement.

all

Amen.' 'Amen,'

boomed McCrea.

'Amen,' said Norris.

'Amen,'

echoed.

I

McCrea laid out plates on the breakfast bar's pink formica top. The

plates

ham and I

were loaded with

an

is

varieties of

big.

Norris frowned.

flicks

of the wrist.

McCrea

smiled

a crispbread, spreading

Her hands were

it

slender and

She said, 'The great conflagration. Armageddon.'

delicate.

said

and

the chastisement of the ball of redemption?'

Marlene put butter on

idiot.

with quick

I

cheese, bread

salami. Another held a steaming pile of salt beef.

'What

said,

The question went down like

fruit,

I

didn't understand.

She pointed her knife

room. She

at the

photograph

in the

corner of the

said, 'Nuclear war.'

'Nuclear war?'

She nodded. 'But that's terrible.'

'Oh will I

yes, Richard,

come. The

it is

Word

terrible,'

she said. 'But

has been spoken.

wondered why she had

to

It

it

has to come.

It

has been through me.'

seem so cheerful about

it.

McCrea explained the game plan. The Virgin Mary had spoken to Marlene, told her the

world would soon be cleansed by nuclear

war. Evil would be swept away and the survivors would start

would be darkness and fiery was disappointed that so many people in

afresh according to God's will. All

confusion.

He

said he

Los Angeles were ignorant and uncaring of

this

message.

He had

come up with the solution: a television network. He was raising the money now. In a year or so he would wrap up the business, sell the house, and move into a motor-home. He said, 'The Lord spoke to

me

just the

Television.

the subject.

go

all

I

one time. He said one word. "Television".'

McCrea and

his wife

said to Norris,

the way?'

were a

riot.

I

tried to

change

'What do you think? Can the Lakers

FALLING APART Marlene said her message.

I

my

I

131

shouldn't be afraid of

should confront the reality of the situation.

I

would make me gazed into

needn't be embarrassed.

/

a happier individual.

She took

palm. She said, 'Richard,

It

my hand and

sense you are a very

I

troubled young man.'

McCrea guffawed.

She'd got

my number

all right.

Afterwards, in the van, Norris said: 'Dude, we're talking bigleague craziness here.

1981, and again

in

McCrea was born

in

1947, born again in

1982, and again every six months after

that.'

We were heading for Mulholland Drive, back to the house with the swimming pool which resembled a bath full of blood. Norris was continuing his pursuit of the panther woman. I told him he

was being

unrealistic, but Norris said,

woman.

'Buff

Surfer

chick.'

We stopped at a red light on National. A black Chrysler pulled up alongside. The driver wore toothpick between his teeth.

'Honk

if

a pork-pie hat

A sticker on the

and worked a

back window

said:

you're Jesus.'

Barbara wanted to go to the beach. Her expression told

me

it

would be unwise to object. We drove to Malibu. Part of Coast Highway was fenced off, and the road was strewn with boulders which had fallen from the cliffs. Barbara told me several people were

killed here

We

each year, crushed.

stopped at a shop called

Zuma

Jay's.

Barbara wanted

sunglasses. Inside there was the sickly smell of surfboard wax. The man behind the counter looked like the actor Oscar Homolka. He had bushy eyebrows and jowly cheeks. He was in his forties, and a rug of greying chest hair sprouted over the neck

He had a cigar clamped between his teeth and a The theory concerned why smoking was about to be banned in Beverly Hills. He said, 'At the end of World War Two those Nazis went to South America. Now they control the of his T-shirt. theory.

tobacco industry, right?

Who

all live in

And

Beverly Hills.

the movie industry

You

see

is

run by Jews.

what I'm saying? They're

132

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

what

getting their revenge. That's

ovens,

we

MAP

A

You used

about.

it's all

the

don't buy the smokes. Simple.'

Barbara had chosen a pair of wrap-around Ray-Bans. 'You look hot. Just

Dirty Harry,' said the

like Clint in

'When

Wearing

my shades. Can you dig it?

I

man

behind the

gonna be cremated on my surfboard.

counter.

die I'm

Like a Viking. This buddy of

mine, he was swallowed by a shark, whole. They caught the

about a week

later

my buddy was

and

couldn't even take his wet suit off; his skin.

Can you imagine

it

still

was

fish

They moulded to

inside, rotting.

just sort of

that happening to your body? That's

just totally gross. I'm taking the

burning option.

Valhalla for

It's

me.'

Barbara gave him a cool stare as she handed over a credit card. She said, 'Butt out,

pal.'

He said, 'OK, lady, no offence, just shooting off at the mouth as usual.

Me,

I

like the

Jews and the Nazis.'

We bought doughnuts and a quart of milk from a 7-Eleven, and walked to the beach. Barbara was 'Nathan Pratt

silent. Graffiti

back' and 'Fight sewers'.

is

Pratt? Barbara shrugged.

I

on a wall

Who

was Nathan

didn't need to ask about the sewers.

few hundred yards north, the Malibu Colony was

$2m homes and

said

security systems, but the beach

A

a paradise of

was

filthy.

At

its

edge was a mountainous heap of seaweed and debris, exhaling a rotting smell. Barbara

come

in off the point.

and

sat

I

upwind, watching the surfers

Far out to sea there was a huge

oil

tanker,

motionless.

Barbara sat on a towel, knees hugged to her face, tight as a spring. I

said,

She

'What's the matter?'

said, 'Can't

Cancer Massive

.

.

you guess?'

Patterson

.?

social stigma attendant

a non-driving

Englishman

She dug her fingers

.

I

.?

in the sand.

She hadn't got the part: being relieved.

.

AIDS

.?

.

.

I

told her there

.

.

.?

on being often Sex 'I

.

.

.?

I

Bankruptcy in the

.

.

.?

company of

said, 'No.'

didn't get the part in the movie.'

felt relieved,

then ashamed about

would be other parts,

as

I

watched

an old man, he must have been seventy, walk towards the ocean,

FALLING APART

133

/

surfboard tucked under one arm, eating an ice-cream. 'Don't let

it

get to you.'

Barbara's fingers plunged deeper into the sand. Behind the sunglasses her face seemed resolute. She said,

show

business.

at the

to

Her sister would be there. She was staying for a few days It had been a long time

beach house at San Juan Capistrano.

could come I

was going

weekend. She wanted to forget the whole

since they'd seen each other. I

won't. I'm gonna

them.' She spoke in a monotone. She said she

Orange County in a

'I

knew

Barbara

if

I

They would have plenty to talk about.

wanted, but

I'd

have to keep out of the way.

the sisters were very friendly. Kimberley

in Crete.

when I was

there.

didn't meet

her.

Barbara told

me

I

She was up

had been with

in the

mountains

they had been companions in

various escapades. They had travelled together by train across

Canada, and had acted

in

an amateur production of West Side

Once they had stolen a big Trans Am sports car and gone They had been stopped by the highway patrol. The cops

Story.

joyriding.

had been amazed, and had surprisingly told Barbara and Kimberley they would let them go, just so long as they used this hot car to go harass I

some

faggots.

had no such shared experience with my brother and sister. Both

were several years

older. People told

me I was like my brother. He - disobedience,

had been expelled from school

(the usual things

non-attendance, drugs), spent

five

years as the

drummer

unsuccessful rock band which seemed always to be about to it,

in

an

make

managed a clothes shop, then switched career and became a He had been a teenage delinquent, he once said, I caught

lawyer.

the habit later on. Both of us dreaded that we might end up like our father

(i.e.

outlaw

in trouble, in debt, in jail) yet cherished the fantasy of the

life,

both of us wore spectacles and liked Citizen Kane,

Charles Dickens, Len Deighton and early Phil Spector records, and

we were both

married, though

Todd

didn't

know about Barbara

and me. No one in England knew about that. I thought about Jane.

What would believe

it.

she say

if

she found out? She probably wouldn't

She'd been wanting us to get married for nearly two

years. I'd told her marriage

was

a boring institution.

134

Barbara

go shoot

me

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

'Maybe Kimberley and

said,

A

MAP

me'll get Patterson's gun,

That'd sure teach him for not putting

this director guy.

She dived into her bag, came up with a bottle of

in his movie.'

varnish, unscrewed the top and began to paint her nails.

shade was called

The

began with

trip

Palisades

detour.

a

We

looped through Pacific

and headed north, stopping

near Malibu.

A

The

Revenge'.

'Scarlett's

rusty Ford Valiant

for petrol at a

76 station

came up behind us on the armed with hacksaws,

forecourt and six teenagers poured out,

and tore the roof

off the car.

Then they took spray-guns and The car came in as an

applied paint in bursts of red and yellow.

old sedan,

left

as a convertible with a psychedelic paint-job,

the entire process I

wanted

to

was over before

go to

Zuma

Beach, to inspect the crumbling arch

through which the surfers make their entrance

at the

John Milius film Big Wednesday, this was one of movies.

When we were there,

I

told Barbara:

'It's

end of the

my

favourite

about the

innocence. At the beginning the heroes are surf bums.

loss.

loss of

One

gets

They don't see each other for years. They endure

sent to Vietnam.

pain and

and

Mustang's tank.

I'd filled the

A

friend

is

killed.

At the end they

all

meet here

know an enormous wave is coming in. They ride it. moment of greatness. It redeems everything else in their

because they It's

their

Wouldn't

lives.

Barbara said

We

it I

be

terrific to

have something

like that?'

should hear myself sometimes.

turned round and went south on Coast Highway, past

Malibu and the Bel-Air Beach Club where a red-waistcoated

valet

parked a Porsche with the registration 'IM WIRED', through Santa Monica and Venice Beach, skirting airliners

jockeyed for take-off and the

smell of

jet fuel,

past an

oil

LAX

where tubby

was heavy with

the

refinery with the sun

row of nodding donkeys, finally we bumped and swooped down a hill into Manhattan

glinting off storage tanks until

enormous

air

and row

after

We stopped for lunch. In the Mr Fat Boy Diner a man with sunglasses and strange blue

Beach.

marks on the backs of

his

hands told us he was thinking of

FALLING APART He

emigrating to Russia.

was

said he

serious. 'Buddy,

Or China.

earn $ 1 ,500 roubles a month, guaranteed. are pretty

good

there too. What's that

equivalent of 1,500 roubles? the Wall St Journal} So

He

know? You think I'm

I

said to the foreman, "I'm thinking of

I

He said he'd buy me

said he'd find out about plane times for me.

you believe that? I'm gonna lady,

would you care

tear that

to suck

my

guy

five

table by the

me

window, and ordered

a story

new

a

Can

assholes. Say,

penis?'

Barbara didn't even pause. to appraise the

told

you can

hear things

you say? What's the dollar

How should

quitting. I'm thinking of going to Russia."

dictionary.

I

135

/

coffee

size.

We moved to a

and ice-cream. Barbara

about her father. She remembered

sitting

on

his

knee while he peeled an orange with a clasp-knife and the skin

came off in one piece, did, he did

acting.

If

'Can

I

I

it

coiled like a snake. She said, 'Everything he

real well.

want to do

I

guess

it I

I

should try and

should really go for

live that

it,

way. Like

don't you think?'

ask you something?'

'Shoot.' 'I've

wanted to ask you

father comes and

for a long time.

talks to you,

it's

in

When you

say your

your dreams,

in

your

imagination, right?'

'Wrong,' she said.

'It's real.'

'That's impossible.' 'It's 'It

very possible.'

can't be real.'

'It's

as real as talking to

you now.'

On the other side of the street an old woman stopped outside a mauve ankle socks and looked

bookstore. She wore

punched the window, once and then jab-jab-jab.

The

glass

streaks of sky. She until the

began to wobble and bounce,

went on,

frail.

She

again. She kept doing

it:

reflecting

jab-jab-jab, jab-jab, jab-jab-jab

window disintegrated and sparkling glass showered over

her.

'As real as you and

me

fucking.' Barbara thrust a

into her chocolate sundae.

spoon deep

136

We

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

MAP

A

drove on. After Hermosa and Redondo Beach our route

wiggled inland, slicing off the Palos Verdes peninsula, then

back to the coast.

In

it

was

Long Beach we inspected

and the world's biggest seaplane,

built

by

the Queen Mary Howard Hughes, a

jumbo-sized mistake with about thirty engines which had flown only once and was

men

of

outside a

now moored

in a

We saw a group

warehouse.

BMW showroom. They wore suits and

hats with feathers

in the

band. They looked

and

ties,

salesmen and

like

practised golf shots: balls fizzed into the ocean. Barbara spotted a

Rolls-Royce with smoked windows and a tiger-skin design on the

which she said must belong

roof,

to a pimp. She said, 'There's a

black gang here. They drive around in cars like that.' I

looked

she

know

at Barbara.

remembered I'd

eyes were fixed

stuff?

this

all

Her

on the road.

How did

She was always surprising me.

I

Patterson's boast that there were things about her

never know. Perhaps he was right. Barbara and

were,

I

I

had

to

admit, having our problems, such as failure to understand each other, lack of

common

On

experience, and bad sex.

the other

hand we were married, and possession was nine-tenths of the law. Let Patterson put that in his pipe and It

was hot and sunny

east of

said this

was

Seal

it.

we crossed into Orange County. To the

Coast Highway there was a

said this

flat,

little

remembered

bombs

A

sign

the story Norris

me

to kill Russians:

in their noses.'

had told me.

said,

I

Beverly Hills has one of these dolphins in their

Barbara told

swamp.

desolate

Beach Naval Weapons Research Unit. Barbara

was where the CIA trained dolphins

'They put these I

as

smoke

'Someone

swimming

in

pool.'

not to be ridiculous.

We picked up a hitch-hiker. He looked at Barbara and thought it

was

his lucky day.

He saw me and his face dropped. He tossed a

rucksack onto the back roared

off.

He had

seat,

freckles

climbed

in beside

it,

and Barbara

and seemed very young. He wore

paisley-patterned beach shorts and a green shirt with an alligator

on the

chest.

name was

He was

a

media studies major

at

UC

Jerry Sturgeon, which brought a laugh

Irvine

and

his

from Barbara.

FALLING APART He had

an eerie self-assurance. His

was mapped

life

137

/

out.

He

talked of college, career, marriage and 'potential later partici-

pation in the arena of politics\

He said,

'I've

got this beautiful plan. Imagine:

10 million years. biggest ever. I'm

It'll

on Mars. The probe that

good

up.

$50

calling

will

shit, state

beamed back

be the biggest

gonna send

a space

TV

back history time, the

all

this secret

canyon

TV equipment, lasers, all

of the art technology, and the trip will be

to earth. Live. Everyone pays

for the adventure of the century!

it

event of

probe to

be loaded with

roll

$50

for the cable link

Cheap

at the price. I'm

"The Martian Experience". Cost $300m, $400m

tops.'

'Where will you get the money?' I asked. He said that would be

no problem. He was what's

in the

rich.

canyon?'

'Nobody knows,' he

I

bunch of rocks. Maybe dinosaurs slugging

it

He was worth $45m on the hoof. 'And

said.

not.

Maybe there's

out toe-to-toe,

Barbara wasn't buying any of rich,

Maybe

just a

world out

there,

said. 'That's the adventure.

this.

like

a lost

one of those movies.'

She asked why,

on or off the hoof, he happened to be begging a

if

he was so

ride

on Coast

Highway. 'Experience,' he said.

do

'I

have three cars.

this for the experience. I've

been

all

I

don't have to do

the

way

He

I

make

I

put

my

notes on everything.'

unzipped the rucksack and took out three spiral-bound

notebooks. They were blue, and he waved them under

He

I

across country,

four times. Like those guys in that book. Except

experience to good use.

this.

said these

were

Relationships',

his bibles.

Number one

my

nose.

he called 'Personal

number two was 'Business- Advice, Information,

Conquest', while number three featured 'General Tips'.

He

gave

an example. Once he broke down on an interstate in Montana. He was miles from the nearest town. A truck came by. The driver was a mechanic, with a PhD from a university in Germany somewhere. He called himself 'The Diesel Doctor'. It turned out that he was the only man within two hundred miles who could

have fixed the

car.

That went

in

book number two.

138

LOS ANGELES

/

He

be up

said, Til

He

need that guy. freeways

hooker

Montana on

me

there

A

MAP

business someday.

was no speed

may

I

on the

limit

Germany, and if you take your wallet with you to a Hamburg, you could get killed for it. "General Tips".

in

in

Stuff like this,

He

in

told

WITHOUT

it

could save your

life.'

He

patted the notebook.

'What about you guys? What's the deal here? You

said,

dating or what?' I

stared at him.

'We're married,'

He pushed a I

stick of Juicy Fruit into his

said.

'You don't look married,' he

said,

chewing on the gum.

Barbara held up the chain with the

'Dead

cats,' said Jerry

in Philadelphia.

ring.

Sturgeon, and

conversational gambit that might be.

guy

mouth.

He was

I

wondered what

He

continued:

'I

sort of

met

this

driving a sky-blue Cadillac. Every

time someone brought him a dead cat he'd give them a ring just like that. Said they cost

make bathroom 'You don't

him

a

buck

apiece.

He

used the fur to

rugs.'

say,' said

Barbara, and suggested he keep quiet.

He asked more questions. He wanted to know all about Barbara and me. Where had we met? What had we talked about? Where had we married? Had it been a long engagement? Had we drawn up a contract in the event of divorce? What was the wedding chapel like? Were our parents alive? When had we first fucked? He went on and on. asked myself what it would take to shut He

ignored

this.

I

him

up.

He

My

said,

mind turned

to threats, violence, assassination.

'And now that you're married,

I

guess the screwing

is

lousy, like everybody says.'

The Mustang veered off the road. It slid to a halt in front of a Torn posters advertised surf movies. My face

derelict cinema.

stopped inches short of the windscreen, then the safety garotted

would

belt

me back into my seat. Barbara assured Jerry Sturgeon he

regret

it

for the rest of his days unless he left right

now.

'Excuse me?' he said. 'Get the fuck out of the car,' said Barbara. 'Otherwise

your

balls off.'

I'll

chop

FALLING APART

139

/

And suddenly Jerry Sturgeon was outside the cinema, wearing an aggrieved expression, and the

'No more 'Dead

Mustang was

accelerating away.

hitch-hikers,' said Barbara.

right,'

I

wondering whether we feature

said,

in the first,

second or third of Jerry Sturgeon's bibles.

We

down

drove on, ducking

Laguna Beach, past

a hill into

Chuck's Chicklet Diner, Yoda's Nursery, the Aztec Motor Lodge

and

a concrete basketball court

played one-on-one with a

slammed

where

tall,

a

tall,

extremely thin white

who

equally emaciated black

the ball into the basket, shouting 'In your face'.

dipping into the

We

was late afternoon: sun purply-blue ocean, shadows deepening on the

parked and walked on the beach.

It

sun-coloured mountains behind, beachgoers assembling their gear and preparing to leave. at

Malibu

few days before.

a

noticed the same old man we'd seen He had a tanned, weathered face and

I

He wore

a long, pointy nose.

a bathing cap with '33'

on the

side.

Barbara asked what the number meant and he said that was the year he

surfed this beach, 1933.

first

He had lots of caps, one for down the coast: Rincon,

each of the different beaches up and Tressles,

He

Huntington, Old Man's, San Onofre, Sunset,

said,

'I

was up

Rincon one time,

at

about 1940, and there was a car coming out

in the

Seal.

would have been

down

the

hill.

So

I

got

road with a blanket and started playing matador. The

car swerved and the sea wall.

went

The

fishtailing

down

driver wasn't hurt.

miracle.

Another time

outside

Hermosa High

I

the highway, right over It

was some kind of

a

surfed on the pedestal of the fountain

School.

going by, bimbos staring. 'I

this

I

I

was naked

at the time. Traffic

used to be quite a wild young man.

think of the old days, standing up on the board and seeing the

bottom go

and abalone down below.

by, octopus

shit in the sea,

and

oil,

and

Now

you get

trash. This used to be a beautiful

country.'

That night we stayed Barbara

said,

at the

'Maybe

if

San Clemente Travel Inn. Afterwards,

you didn't

try so hard,

maybe

if

you

140

relaxed

.

.' I

.

there were I

felt

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

MAP

A

on the edge of the bed, gazing

sat

marks

squashed

like

fruit:

where

at the wall

dead mosquitoes, perhaps?

numb.

The next morning we bumped along a dirt road that ran between a railway track and the beach. The place where Kimberley was staying was a red two-storeyed house, built from wood. We went in. There was an open-plan living area, blue carpet on the floor, and an atmosphere of hysteria: people dancing, people rushing out of sliding doors onto a deck which overlooked the ocean, people milling around a table where a device of gleaming

A

fountained tequila into salt-rimmed glasses.

with a gaunt face

like

room, rocking to and

James Stewart's stood

how

man

in the centre of the

fro, practising his tennis serve,

baggy white shorts described

steel

middle-aged

and a man

in

he'd seen someone win the

He performed

jackpot on a slot machine in Atlantic City.

it,

jerking the lever, waiting, stepping back with open mouth, hands

punching the

air as invisible coins

gushed out.

'We had to do Grenada, wasn't much involved but we had to do it Another voice: 'He was there on business, the kiss and make

Someone was

saying:

.'

.

up

.

.' .

.

'Now what

the British did against Argentina in the Falklands.

That was an operation '.

.

.

.

of course, he's as rich as God.'

'Argentina. 'If

.' .

we went

'Where

is

that

Is

where the ponchos

are?'

into Afghanistan, then you'd be talking?'

Afghanistan?'

Barbara shouldered through the crowd. She

yelled, 'Kimberley,

Kimber-LEEEE.' 'Think

I'll

announced.

come

'It's

The gaunt man shy and diffident. .

.

.'

live

down

here. I'm sick of LA,'

chaos there, man. Total like

.

.

.

someone

chaos.'

James Stewart came up. His manner was

He was

extremely

tall.

'Yeah

.

.

.

ah

.

.

.

OK

he stuttered. 'Bloody Mary?'

'No thanks,'

I

said. I'd

never been able to drink the

stuff. It

was

FALLING APART a pity:

an alcoholic drink to make you

while suffering

feel better

from dreadful hangovers had an obvious appeal.

human

texture of the tomato juice. Like

Magimix.

It

makes me want

He seemed ball,

appalled by

smacked

throw

to

this.

He

141

/

I

said,

the

'It's

passed through a

flesh

up.'

frowned, lobbed an imaginary

over a non-existent net, said: 'Vodka and

it

orange?' I

He

would be

said that

fine.

He

smiled, the problem

was

solved.

turned away and came back almost immediately with the

drink. I

said,

'You

a gatecrasher like me?'

He nodded vigorously and said, 'I waved. 'These people, ah, been here over.

weekend. Yeah

all

What about

'I'm

.

.

.

own the house.' His hand

well, friends of .

.

ah

.

.

.

.

my

yeah

daughter .

.

.

think,

I

come from

all

you?'

from England.'

More nods were forthcoming. He told me there was going to be an election in England soon. He was very confident about it. He knew someone who knew someone in the Thatcher cabinet. He seemed well informed about the British scene. He asked if knew I

what was happening with the redevelopment of the London docklands. He said the whole deal was being arranged by a consortium of Los Angeles lawyers. of dollars

.

.

.

ah

whole ballgame

.

.

.

He said, 'Downtown

billions of dollars

.

.

.

ah

.

.

.

and

.

.

.

.

.

.

lots

they're running the

.' .

.

He halted in mid-stutter, frowning, as if he'd been caught in the an enemy power. 'Someone

act of donating state secrets to

English here

.

.

.

from London

There was a sound

like

I

think

.

.

.

an approaching hurricane and the

house began to shake and

rattle.

I

thought

it

must be an

earthquake. Los Angeles was famous for them.

remember what

else

take you over.'

to do. I'd read an article.

covering the head and crawling under the the event of a nuclear strike?

I

I

tried

to

Something about

Or was

stairs.

that in

threw myself on the floor and

wrapped my arms round my head. The rattling stopped, everything went quiet, and I heard a voice saying, 'Ah Amtrak .

.

.

.

.

.

142

train

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

.

.

right outside

.

shakes people up

The man

.

.

MAP

A

every twenty minutes

.

always

.

.

.

James Stewart introduced me

like

.

.' .

had big eyes and

woman. She

to a

She was dressed entirely

a square jaw.

in red

She sipped a margarita and creaked as she raised the

leather.

The man

glass to her lips.

'You two

said,

.

.

ah

.

.

.

.

the English

connection, and beat an anxious, sneaker-shod retreat. 'Nice leather,'

I

said. 'You're

from London?'

'No,' she said.

laughed nervously, as

I

famous people 'And

that's

at a private joke.

if

'But I'm going there. In

two weeks.

I

heard you could meet

there.'

what you want

to do?'

'Oh, sure.'

She explained. She had something called the

worked

Get Laid Quotient. She had

it all

how famous

the

a scale of

against the

amount

man was on

GLQ,

a.k.a. the

out. She factored in

one to

of time the conquest

ten,

balanced

this

would take and

whether she would have to spend any money, and came up with

was

a figure. She said Jerry Lewis

person she had ever slept with.

I

the least capable

wondered what

famous

that meant,

how would rate? Least capable: it was a terrifying concept. By now she had moved dizzily onto another subject, and was saying how T-Bone Burnett was at this party somewhere and he had I

told her the Beverly Center

an

outfit called

deal with

it.

was

infested with

Bugs Burger Bug

Killers

huge

killer rats

had been

T-Bone Burnett? Bugs Burger Bug

sounded improbably

and

called in to Killers?

It

alliterative.

She said, leather creaking and groaning, That

girl

Roman

Polanski was arrested for, coke and sex in the Jacuzzi, she's a big

guy

TV

I

saw her sucking tongues with some

at Carlos 'n' Charlie's.

These Japanese guys were watching.

star in a

sitcom now.

Shouldn't think they

knew who

she was. They were talking

about Pearl Harbor, probably.' I

looked round for Barbara. The room had

filled

up even

more. People with gleaming teeth jostled for position around the

FALLING APART The man with

tequila fountain.

the baggy shorts repeated his

enactment of winning the jackpot

The

trousers

someone

like

and

a stripy yellow shirt

to

meet

Ronnie van Zant, or

Jimmy Page of Led once met Chuck Berry. He wore

ten yards of his guitar case.

Jimmy

wanted

Berry, or Eric Clapton, or

told her I'd

I

at Atlantic City.

red-leather girl said that she'd always

(meet?) a real guitar hero,

Chuck

143

/

and wouldn't

'And people used

let

Zeppelin.

bell-bottom

anyone within

to say

1

looked

like

Page.'

'You?' she said. 'Were they blind?'

The woman was too much. wanted to throw my toys out of the cot. I wanted stimulants. fought my way to the steel fountain and drank several tequilas. Then it was out of the sliding doors and I

I

onto the sundeck. Barbara was there, with another woman. They were

in earnest

conference. This is the way they looked. Barbara was Barbara.

other

woman had

went on

Her

teased blonde hair and a short skirt.

for ever. Kimberley,

I

assumed, and

I

The legs

sidled up. Barbara

was remembering when the two of them were in Athens, staying in a hotel called 'Paradise'

and sharing

room with

a

a seventeen-

year-old bigamist from Arkansas. She had three husbands. But

was with one of them and another appeared who was supposed to be on an oil rig in Alaska. She ran away to Europe, ending up, somehow, in Albania. The Albanians

things had gone wrong. She

were going to imprison her but found out she was American and instead bundled her across the border into Greece. She

nightclub singer, and

was planning

to

marry

a

became

a

Greek shipping

millionaire.

Barbara and Kimberley found the story hilarious. They roared. 'But

what about

the husbands?'

'What about them got?

You

tall

said Barbara.

said.

'How many do you think I've

said,

'Remember

that other time in Athens?

guy, wore blue suede shoes.

came on

to

'

With

He looked like a football

me in the elevator and you "Are we going down to hell?" said Barbara.

player and '

I

think you're the only one?' Explosions of laughter.

Kimberley that very

?'

said

.' .

.

144

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

More

MAP

A

laughter.

'We went to a

bar, then another

and another. Some place where

they had pictures of goats on the walls.

And

in the end, this guy,

wasn't he English as well?' 'I

thought he was from Africa,' said Barbara.

was from England.

'I'm pretty sure he

out, right there in the street.

'Went

We

left

him

Either way, he passed .' .

.

Told him there was

to a cop.

dead man on the

a

sidewalk.'

My

brain

hummed. Barbara went to get more drinks. said, 'My sister tells me you're an uptight,

Kimberley

fucked-

up Englishman.'

Thanks

a lot, Kimberley.

'Only joking,' said Kimberley, laughing. She

slid

her

arm round

my neck. We talked about Barbara. She told me how Barbara had protected her

when

they were kids.

would come storming try and cheer her up.

in, like

If

was

she

in a fight

Barbara

Bruce Lee. She said, 'We've got to

She's totally

bummed

about that movie

part.' 'It

was bad

luck.'

Kimberley scowled. 'Bad luck? Some bozo says "Fuck

you get the part" and you Joel

call that

bad luck?

I

me and

ever meet that guy

break his neck.'

I'll

Another

thundered by. The deck trembled.

train

couldn't get this straight.

could have the part

if

I

I

said, 'The director told

was

fazed.

I

Barbara she

she went to bed with him?'

'She didn't mention

it?'

'No.'

The man who was shouting:

'OK

.

.

.

like

OK

.

.

.

James Stewart was out on the deck, Listen

up guys

.

.

.

I'm sending out for

Do you wanna do Mexican? It's up to you. Whaddyasay? Or will it be lasagne for 160?' He dipped his knees and stroked a lunch.

careful backhand.

The couch:

insects inside I'd

presumed

presumed wrong.

my it

skull

went onto overtime. The casting

died with the studio system. Clearly, I'd

FALLING APART We

went

outside

from

to a place called the Quiet

showed

woman

a

Woman

/

145

Tavern. The sign

with no head, hanging by her ankles

a gibbet, thick splashes of gore

pumping from her

neck.

I

was surprised that kind of thing wasn't illegal. The door swung to behind us, deadening the noise of traffic. There was heat and the smell of stale cigarettes. The bar was lit by lamps in the shape of galleons. Above the counter was an autographed picture of Richard Nixon, that square, putty-like

The barman was an advert

face split by a terrible grin.

lumberjacks: unshaven chin, red check

shirt,

for

black curling hair.

I

ordered beers, and heard Kimberley telling Barbara that I was not what she had expected. What might that have been? Slashed jeans

and

safety pins, a spiky haircut: ageing Sex Pistol?

and gold

collar pin: city

Armani

suit

whiz kid? Tweed jacket with pipe and

my neck: writer type? Or a public school boy, nasal vowels and bow tie: Rupert Everett in Another Country? It scarf flung

round

depended,

I

supposed, on the movies she'd been watching.

'English people,' she said, as

I

put the glasses

down on the table,

'they're so neat.' I

was not fooled by

I

watched a

like the rear

stool fat

this.

at the bar.

He had

end of an articulated

lorry.

a backside that

wobbled

He hauled himself off his

and waddled to the restrooms. I thought how few genuinely

people

there

man

was

I'd

seen in California.

Where

did they go? Perhaps

a state ordinance against obesity. Perhaps sleek, surf-

Nazi police would arrive in the middle of the night, herd the fatties into cattle trucks, I

said to Barbara,

and dump them

thing.'

'There didn't seem

'What did he 'I

much

point.'

say?'

thought Kimberley told you.'

'What did he 'Does

it

say, exactly?'

matter?'

'I'd like to

know.'

Oregon. Or Nevada.

'You should have told me.'

'What about?' 'About the film

in

146

LOS ANGELES

/

'Drop

had

I

Richard.

it,

to say:

WITHOUT

A

MAP

1

'You were tempted, weren't you?'

Barbara glared. 'Weren't you?'

She asked what I wanted her to say. That she had been tempted?

That she had been on the point of fucking him and had held back?

Did

really

I

want her

'OK,' she said,

'I

would have meant

to say that?

was tempted.

I'd

a lot to me.

didn't

I

have

killed to get that part.

do

it,

but

I

It

was tempted.

Satisfied?'

There was a silence. Kimberley suggested it might be a good idea if

I

went

to get

more

drinks.

pulled beer into glasses. said,

'I

I

walked

to the bar.

woman would

guess a headless

The lumberjack

asked about the sign outside. 'Well,' he

I

tend to be pretty quiet,

wouldn't she?'

The sun was setting when we left San Clemente. Clouds bunched low over distant mountains, a hawk circled, pylons marched towards the twin white blimps of a nuclear power station, and four soldiers (crew cuts, beige uniforms, ears like pink jug handles)

powder-blue Chevrolet that was

went by in

a

American

Graffiti.

was derived

I

totally

told Barbara

water

in

thought

like

something from

my sense of the erotic

from movies: the glimpse of Bardot's thigh

Contempt, Stanwyck's anklet the cigar in

I

in

in

Double Indemnity, Dietrich and

Touch of Evil, Gardner's shoulders

rising

from the

Pandora and the Flying Dutchman.

Barbara

said,

'What sense of the

erotic?'

She described a game she'd once played with friends. The idea

was

to call out the

first

word that came

into your

mind associated

with water. This supposedly provided a guide to the subject's libido. In other

give,

words the

was bloody

Pacific

Barbara smiled. say

.

.

.

puddle .'

'I

right answer, the

answer you'd want

to

Ocean, shouted very loud.

guess

if

you played that game you'd probably

FALLING APART Back

Los Angeles: Barbara and

in

was weeks

restless. It

Museum.

He

off.

presumed

I

said this

I

since I'd been near the

was

I

fired.

asked

I

much.

didn't talk

/

147

I

was

Hollywood

McCrea

for a

Wax

few days

fine. He also said his wife wanted to see me. my spiritual condition. found this alarming.

was

She had news about

I

One afternoon was up on Sunset. At the corner of Laurel Avenue I

an escape

artist

was shrugging

off chains

by the applause of an onlooker, a squat

and padlocks, greeted

man

check sports

in a

The escape artist invited the man to chain him up, and the invitation was accepted. Five minutes later the escape artist was still wriggling. His efforts to shake loose the chains became desperate. A crowd gathered to observe his frenzy. The squat man jacket.

grinned, revealing teeth filed to a point:

barracuda.

know

'I

The phone rang

teeth

to terrify a

the trick,' he said, and walked away.

in the

apartment.

A man said, 'May

I

speak with

Barbara?' thought,

I

'This

J

Joel

is

know who this is, even as I said, 'Who is this?' Goldman at New World. Is she there, please?'

thought about hanging up.

I

I

thought about

telling

him

down with smallpox, emigrated to Bolivia, been gunned down by bank raiders. Barbara came from the bathroom, towelling dry her hair. She said, 'Who is it?'

Barbara had come

'It's I

Joel

could

Goldman,'

feel

jealous, but

I

said,

and handed her the

myself skidding. Barbara had told

it

was no

out of the apartment.

use.

On

I

receiver.

me

I

couldn't bear to listen to

this.

I

went

Venice the sun struck sparks off the

concrete pavements and flashed on car windscreens. a

shouldn't be

chainsaw was giving the palm

trees a haircut.

I

A man

with

crossed the

street. It

was

five in the

The clientele roamed round the pool

the doors.

rifles,

The El As de Oros was jammed to was young and mostly Mexican. Some

afternoon.

tables, holding their cues in the air like

ducking down to smack

balls into pockets; a

group wearing

black baseball caps and black T-shirts with a skull and cross-

bones design on the chest stood by the jukebox, arguing; and

148

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

MAP

A

others were hunched at the bar, as though stabbed to a beer,

drank

it

bar was a dish

I

How

old?

tall?

the

feel sick.

What kind of man was he? What car did he drive?

asked myself about Joel Goldman.

How

ordered

me on

with squid. The sight of the rubbery,

filled

made me

suckered flesh

it. I

quickly, ordered another. In front of

Where

did he live?

Where did he buy his shoes? What records were in his collection? I made myself a bet that he was an Eagles man, and imagined him newly

in his

built stucco

duplex (Brentwood, Los

Feliz?), jingling

coins in his pocket, flipping 'Hotel California' into the

under-guarantee compact disc player. record.

How

What

far

did he want?

would he go

to get

I

had it?

a pretty

And how

'What the fuck do you know about

it,

still-

always hated that

I'd

good idea about big

was

that.

his penis?

man?'

This was a pool-table Mexican, swivelling his cue towards like a sniper.

me

He was short, with a pointy face and his hair slicked

back. His forehead was beaded with clots of dark, dried blood.

He

continued: 'You seen a guy with a white suit and a briefcase,

carries a .45, goes I I

come

thought: hello, hel-lo, calling London,

anyone

He I

around saying "Call me Conan"?'

said, 'Piss off.'

home* Was

at

said,

that really

me

in

London,

talking?

'You fucking with me?'

said nothing.

He said,

'Don't fuck with me, man,' tapped

me on the shoulder

with the cue, and went back to the pool table.

The barman to

kill 'Is

someone

'Be a

Back

said,

'You were lucky. He thinks someone is trying

him.'

good

in the

trying to

him?'

apartment, Barbara lay on the ketchup-coloured sofa,

feet stretched

on the coffee table, Tab

took a beer from the beer cool

kill

idea.'

my mouth,

in

hand, watching TV, and

fridge, flipped the top,

waited as long as

twenty seconds, before saying

it:

I

took a swig,

let

I

the

could manage, about

'What did he want?'

FALLING APART 'Who?' said Barbara, 'Joel

all

149

/

innocence.

Goldman.'

'Oh, him,' she said. 'He called to apologize. For what happened before. Said he'd been

dumb.'

is that right?' 'Yeah, that's right.'

'Was that

all?'

'He wants

me to see him tomorrow.

'Will

A

His place. Three o'clock.'

you go?'

came from the TV. Barbara yawned and starfish. 'Maybe I won't,' she said. 'And maybe I

shriek of laughter

stretched like a will.'

I

was

in the

boot of Barbara's

car,

and

I

My

was uncomfortable.

my legs were jackmy chin, and there was a sickly smell of petrol fumes. I'd

head was crammed against a wheel arch, knifed to

put in a red and black travelling rug

have

at college) so

my

clothes

would

(just like the

stay clean,

one

and

I

I

used to

held tight

onto the thin-bladed kitchen knife which would spring the lock

when we sumably.

arrived I

where we were going, chez Goldman pre-

was sweating.

My left knee ached. Three years ago I'd

torn the cartilage playing soccer on a concrete pitch under the

Westway had

a

in

Ladbroke Grove.

good game. Sometimes

A it

pity, since

up to that point

seized, rendering

me

I'd

immobile.

The Mustang's engine was a throaty rumble and I thought: what a strange movie. Barbara had said, i'm going out,' and

myself to be calm, not to ask where she was going.

'Where are you going?' and she was

silent.

I

and said it anyway.

Barbara had stalked into the bathroom. At that I

would go through with the plan.

I'd

had asked,

had told myself not to

say, 'You're going to see Goldman, aren't you ?'

that

I

I'd told

moment knew I

formulated the plan the

previous night, springing open the boot-lock with the knife,

first

The plan was to find out where Barbara was going. The plan had a logic which I liked: Barbara would lead me to Goldman, I would thrash Goldman to a from the outside, then from the

inside.

pulp, perhaps even use the thin-bladed kitchen knife.

150

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

A

MAP

through the edges of the boot but I couldn't see much.

hand

came

forgotten to bring a torch. Thin bars of light

I'd

in front

of

my

face.

was

It

only guess) and

chugging

waggled

I

just a blur. Effectively,

Sometimes the Mustang's V-8 faded, the

blind.

over tarmac slowed to a stop

jam?

I

a

was

rubber

hiss of

(traffic lights? traffic

in

I

could

heard sounds. The sounds of engines: the

I

diesel of a bus, a rattle like a

London

whine that

taxi, a

could have been a Porsche turbo, a motor that wheezed and

croaked

like a

dying breath. The sounds of the

city: the

convulsive

honking of trucks, the steady whop-whop-whop of helicopter blades, a voice shouting, rip

out your eyes, piss

sound

like

in

Try

that one

more time fuckwit and

An

your brains.'

Wellington boots trudging through mud, and the

sounds of music: 'Like a Virgin', 'Ballroom of a Michael Jackson song

The Mustang

leapt

My

and stopped.

confronting them, pounding

new sounds:

a beating noise that

several bars

a crash, over a kerb, perhaps,

if

we'd arrived.

my fists

a click like

began

far

I

I

heard

thought

I'd

relished the prospect of

I

Goldman's

into

skull.

Then

machinery being engaged and

away and came

slowly, steadily

Thwock-thwock-thwock. Suddenly the Mustang was

buffeted from side to side.

juddered.

What was

run for cover.

Why

I

on the

head banged again.

Was

radio,

this

My

teeth

an earthquake? Perhaps

and Barbara had stopped

to

then had she laughed? Barbara was crazy,

The shaking bounced up and down. The beating was very loud,

why, she laughed

was worse.

My

going on?

there'd been a warning

that's

and

head banged against the wheel arch.

give her a couple of minutes to get clear.

closer.

Blitz'

couldn't identify.

I

upwards with

Barbara's laughter and wondered

there were

I'll

unexplained glomphing

at all sorts of strange things.

and

thwock-thwock-thwock-thwock, through the cracks, a

thwock-thwock.

I

water

began

trickle at first, then a steady gush.

thought, this

isn't

bitch has driven into the ocean, frantically at the lock with the knife.

leak

Thwock-

an earthquake, the dozy

and It

to

I

panicked, scratching

wouldn't budge. That's

it,

thought, I'm going to drown. I was convinced. Then the sound seemed to be moving away, thwock-thwock. There was another I

FALLING APART mechanical click and

it

/

151

stopped altogether. The water slowed to a

dribble.

My

body went limp.

tried to guess.

I

We

decided the car was dirty. I

was

kept your head.

I

was about

the boot opened. Light tried to

I

move.

My

Barbara had

wash.

I

to continue with this dribbling

poured

couldn't.

I

back into the puddles voice.

realized.

I

in a car

thought how it never paid to panic how everything turned out all right if only you

hysterical with relief.

in these situations,

were

in. I

I

when

blinked: Barbara.

pulled myself up, then slumped

in the boot.

'Oh,

shit,'

I

said in a strangled

bloody knee had gone.

'Richard,' she said, 'this

not the behaviour of a reasonable

is

person.'

Patterson

was

apartment, in his leather jacket, sprawled on

at the

the sofa, reading the

LA

Times

classifieds.

His expression was

smug. I

said,

'What's he doing here?'

Barbara

said,

'You and me are going

wants us to make

tomorrow

a bet.

night.

$5,000 on the Lakers to beat the Celtics

may even

I

to Las Vegas. Patterson

try

a

coupla hundred myself.

Patterson says the Lakers are a certainty.'

Patterson says? Patterson

was

was

It

the

same old song.

grinning, stroking his beard

from the paper: 'One night Flamingo, plus

Golden Nugget, plus plus

flight

It

was

a nightmare.

and reading out loud

flight,

$110.

and Jacuzzi, $150. One

One night

night,

Dunes,

$99.'

flight,

He stared at me. 'unless, of course,

'Seems

like the

Dunes

Richard wants a

What movie was

is

the best deal,' he said,

Jacuzzi.'

he making?

Somewhere between Burbank and could, perhaps, stay at the Dunes for two or three nights, turn it into a weekend trip, try and sort a few things out. Barbara said nothing. She had stopped talking to me. I tried to touch her on the arm but she flinched and struck me

The

flight

Las Vegas

was only I

half-full.

suggested that

we

152

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

in the centre of

sat next to

my forehead with

me on

MAP

A

a bottle of Jack Daniels.

A nun

the other side, about forty years old with a

Her name was

robust, bucolic face.

Sister Theresa.

was going to Las Vegas. 'God's work is everywhere,' she

I

asked

why

she

me to

beckoned

said,

and stood up and

I walked behind her down the aisle until window seat. She pointed at the desert below,

follow.

she found an empty

an alien landscape, red and desolate and cratered and said,

'Sometimes

I

imagine

all

She

infinite.

the dead of the world rising

through the crust of this desert and coming

up

down like a plague on

the City of Sinners.'

The plane landed. Barbara and I walked in silence through the marbled airport lobby. I saw Sister Theresa. She took quarters from

a plastic bucket clasped

them into

a slot machine,

me

me. Hit

in the

The cab was

name

between her knees and shovelled

pumping the handle and muttering,

Ford Galaxy, white, twenty years

a

suspension shot. In the back Barbara and balls.

The

John.

He wore Ray-Bans and

silver

band.

'This it

too.

what

is

had

driver

a dirty white

bounced

old,

beach

like

and his name was cowboy hat with a

John. That was what

I

called

My thin T-shirt felt like a horse blanket. Barbara stared at

an enormous red and gold hoarding 'We've got the said, 'First I

I

small, delicate features

call real heat,' said

I

'Hit

of the Lord.'

said,

'Then

fight of the

which boasted:

v.

Hearns'. John

time in Vegas for you folks?'

'We got married this'll

here.

That was a while

ago.'

be your second honeymoon,' he said with a

terrible chuckle. 'Guess

service.

in the desert

millennium- Hagler

you

guys'll be requiring a lot of

.

.

.

room

Huh?'

'Right.'

'You English?' 'Right.' 'I

lived in

'No

shit,'

London

once,' he said. 'Met

said Barbara.

This was the

first

It

David Bowie.'

must have been about three

time she'd spoken in six hours.

o'clock.

FALLING APART kept John quiet, at least until

It

Strip

we were bumping down

the

and he pointed towards Caesar's Palace, saying, 'Frank

Sinatra tossed a table through a plate glass floor.

153

/

window on

the top

Right there. Just 'cos a waitress spoke to him. She wasn't

him if he was ready from the sky. The Mafia

insulting him, or anything like that, just asked

was

to order.

It

hushed

up.'

it

like

diamonds

He gave the

and the Galaxy went into

My

forecourt.

falling

steering wheel a

sudden

onto the Dunes

a shuddering dive

head smacked against the roof.

jerk to the left

I

asked

he was

if

drunk. 'Hell, no,' said

John.

used to drink and drive.

'I

Now

just

I

do

drugs.'

A

sign at reception said

'Dunes Big Fight Buffet - All you can

imagine! All you can eat! $5.95'. The bald desk clerk gazed into his

He was mournful. He said,

computer.

have happened. Your booking

we have

available

generally

$700

is

is

the bridal suite

a night.

I

guess

I

'I

don't see

how this can

confirmed. But the only

on

room

floor twenty-five. That's

have no option but to give you

that. It's very irregular.'

The room was circular. There was an emperor-sized circular water bed and on the ceiling a circular mirror. The carpet, curtains, walls, sofa, chairs

and imitation Louis

XV writing table

were pink. Barbara walked to the window and looked out over the Strip.

I

set

down

the bags, saying 'Here

we

are again.

And

in

the bridal suite.'

She said nothing. 'Let's

go downstairs. Lose

lots of

money.'

'You're going downstairs. I'm going to sleep.' I

said, 'Can't

we

talk

about

this?'

She turned: 'Go away, Richard.' She locked It

seemed

a

supposed to I

me out of the room.

haphazard way to be.

I

was puzzled:

walked down the

She kept the chain on the door.

finish things,

if

that's

what

birdless in Vegas, at the

it

was

Dunes.

Strip. In the fountain outside the

MGM

Grand plumes of water jetted from the nipples of bronze, naked women. The sky was bleached by heat and the air scorched my

154

/

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

MAP

A

lungs. I stopped for whisky at the Silver Slipper. In the bar two Germans screamed and aimed head butts at each other. drank a lot. By seven I was in the Elizabethan Steak Room at Circus Circus. It was gloomy, and meat crackled on spits. A man asked if he could share my table. He was small and wore a canary-yellow suit studded with rhinestones. A tall cowboy hat bobbled on his head. He was the drunkest person I've ever seen I

who could still stand up. He rocked to and fro and his eyes rolled, disclosing the whites, as sockets.

Without waiting

His face was green.

He

poached eggs were cooking

if

for

my

to vomit, but he recovered himself

arrived, a

was

slowly and with great deliberation. it,

belched.

was about chunk of steak

certain he

and ordered.

strokes, guiding each forkful into his

said. 'I'm

I

Matterhorn of meat, and he cut

ordered another, ate

down and

reply he sat

belched again.

in the

A

with slow, heavy

this

mouth with

When

care,

chewing

finished he belched,

and then noticed me. 'Name's Vance,' he

an oilman. Just got back from Canada, spent three

weeks hunting

my

elks with

twelve gauge. Never saw a single

darned animal. In Scandinavia they they call elks.

You understand that?

You wanna go

call

moose

elks.

Dunno what

Puzzling business altogether.

see the fight?'

'Sure.'

'Then

We

let's go,'

went

he roared. 'Bring

me my mule

and had whiskies.

to a bar

I

felt

hat.'

drunk. There was a

The fight came on. An The challenger was Thomas 'Hitman' Hearns and the champion was Marvin Hagler, who had recently changed his name by deed poll to Marvelous Marvin Hagler. This big video screen at the back of the bar.

announcer gave

details.

thought about doing

seemed reasonable.

I

Richard Rayner:

was

leak,' said

The said, I

a

name

myself. Marvelous

to conjure with. 'Gotta take a

Vance suddenly and lurched towards

fight started,

I

winced

at every

the restroom.

blow, Vance came back.

He

'What's the deal?'

said,

At

it

it

'The champ's

this precise

in trouble.'

moment Marvelous Marvin Hagler launched an

attack of startling ferocity, pressing the

Hitman

to the ropes

and

FALLING APART

champ

savagely clubbing him to the canvas. Vance nodded: the

was I

155

/

in trouble.

said

three in

The

goodbye

to

Vance and walked back along the

the morning I was

in a

were dressed

cocktail waitresses

like

Roman

slaves.

for whisky each time one went by, losing money trickle,

drunk flush.

At

I

called

in a steady

and then won the biggest pot of the night by accident, too

hand of seven-card stud

to see that in a

There was

illegal.

The

and asked

if

had

I

amazement. The old man

silent

licked his pale lips

way,

Strip.

game at Caesar's.

low-stakes poker

a five-card

sitting

opposite

kind of play wasn't, in some

this

dealer said nothing and pushed a mountain of

I sorted them into piles of blue and red and was about $1,200. News spread fast. I became a celebrity. I had lots of friends. There were prostitutes and buskers, but most just wanted to meet

chips towards me.

orange. There

someone who had been touched by

luck.

A

middle-aged house-

wife said she had seen the same thing happen once before, and

me

such a blessing came only from God. She asked

to

make

the

sign of the Cross.

A man in black bought me a bottle of champagne. He said, The limey's so I

bombed he couldn't see he had

call a real

unshaven and

Tom

He

were cracked with

his eyes

liked to

give

you

and he said he was

had been run over. He month.

Lemme

Las Vegas story.

His name was

five hearts.

lived in

a drink.'

a musician.

He

red.

LA and came

'And

I

I

I

felt

light-headed.

was smashed.

I

told

Tom

think of a course of action. the machinery.

he

demented,

is

a table

tea.'

and drank

My mind was a can of shaving foam. about Barbara.

I

like

Vegas each

can never get an iced

When the champagne was finished we found bourbon.

He was

looked

to Las

watch the people. 'This place

exotic, a nightmare,' he said.

That's what

He

said he'd have to

said I'd have to

do

it. I

didn't have

We agreed that women were a pain in the head, a

pain in the heart, a pain in the shitkickers. 'Sex,' said

A whore came

Tom,

'it's

up and asked

'What kind of party?'

if

ass.

Whereas we were

a bitch.'

we wanted

to party.

real

156

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

MAP

A

She said that depended: on what the boys wanted and

much

they were prepared to pay for

'Suck and fuck,' said

how

it.

Tom.

'Your friend clean?' 'Clean? He's English.' '$300.' 'That's too

much. $150.'

'OK. But fantasy's extra.'

'My

friend might

want you

to be

someone

else.'

'That's fantasy,' she said. 'That's $200.' I

was so drunk I could scarcely move. Each of them took an elbow

We went up. We went along a corridor.

and propelled me to the lift.

Tom opened a door and politely motioned me ahead. He turned on the light. Both he

and the whore produced Saturday Night

'Hey, those guns look very

was

realistic,'

game. 'Were they made

a

Tom

in

said, laughing,

I

Specials.

assuming

this

Japan? Or Taiwan?'

pushed me onto the mattress and demanded the money.

He was very calm about it. The whore leaned over me. She rubbed her gun up and down, up and down, against my crotch. My prick hardened. 'Easy come, easy go,' she said. 'This isn't happening,'

I

lay

by the pool

temperature as

1

said.

I

in the heat.

The clock on

the

Dunes gave

the

man

in a

17 degrees and the time as 12.03, and a

green Hawaiian shirt announced himself. 'Hi. I

Name's Mai.'

pulled myself up onto

and wide

as a lorry.

my elbows. Mai was

He looked

small and tanned

a little like the actor

Jan Michael

Vincent and wore a red baseball cap that said 'Screw you'.

'Wanna hear something 'I'm thirty-five years old

Ohio.'

and I'm

He pronounced Ohio

three beats-oh. 'Last year

Pulled

down

I

like

a

actually

didn't wait for a reply.

bond salesman from Dayton,

it

was Oh-one

was number one

over a hundred grand.

coming blood. I'm

He

beautiful?'

beat-hi-at least

for the entire state.

And you know what?

coming blood. Every time

orgasm blood comes shooting out my

dick.'

I

I'm

have an

FALLING APART My

Mai stood over me,

eyes blinked against the sun.

expecting some confidence in return. fella,'

me

give

a

blow job be

Las Vegas, the morning after:

men

Mai.

like

screwed on

I

tight.

bed with Barbara

goddam

a

had another epic I

my

pressed

vampire.'

came at me, it was full hangover. The iron hat was

boiled,

it

it

hands to

my

fizzing

in that all-pink suite

on the 25th

I

head and

could be in

floor, enacting

scenes from a sex movie. Instead she wasn't talking to

me and

I

prostrate in 117 degree heat, dripping sweat, listening to

Mai. This was not 'Yessir,' said

my

script.

major

role in

There was an explosion 'A gun,'

it is,'

boom

lifeguard

have an orgasm

I

my it's

script.

like

my

Texas Chain Saw Massacre.'

at the hotel

end of the pool.

said, nerves jangling.

I

'Like hell

the

This was definitely not

Mai, 'every time

dick's trying for a

was

staring,

gurgled nervously. 'Listen

I

moaned, thinking about what could be happening.

was

157

he said, smiling, his teeth white and perfectly shaped. 'Only

woman'd of

/

The only sound Keno winners. A beefy

said Mai. Everything stopped.

of the PA, announcing

swooped down from

his high-chair to investigate

and

it

happened again: crack. 'Some crazy bastard's throwing right.

Another was on

its

bottles,' said

Mai.

He was

way. This one carried further and

smashed on the edge of the diving board,

glass

pock-marking the

water and splintering on the hot poolside concrete. 'I

I spotted a figure way up on arm waved, once and then again sending down more and more missiles in a long and

see him,' said

Mai, and pointed.

the thirtieth or fortieth floor.

and again,

Its

terrifying arc.

Mai .

.

.

was

said, 'Gotta be a kid.

c-rack

.

.

.

Only

a kid

glass all over, twinkling in the sun.

splinter pierced her bikini flesh. 'Just

that.'

c-rack

A woman

screamed as a

Blood petalled the concrete.

look at that. Boy, what a mess,' said Mai.

c-rack panic

would do

c-rack. People were running for cover and there

.

.

set in.

.

c-rack

.

.

Some were

dived into the pool.

An

.

c-rack. There were more bottles and

screaming, others pulled on shoes and old

man

stood paralysed, not knowing

158

/

LOS ANGELES

WITHOUT

MAP

A

whether to stay where he was and duck the

bottles, or

run and

take his chances with the glass.

The PA stopped announcing Keno winners and droning sounds of Kenny Rogers singing

threw

his

arm around my shoulder and

song. Don't you?'

'God,

said:

issued the

Gambler'. Mai love this

I

began to laugh.

I

Security guards appeared

on the balcony, struggled

and dragged him

the bottle-thrower,

The

jerk's balls into the wringer,' said

appeared to sweep away the

inside.

'I

Mai, as men

glass.

'I

briefly

with

hope they feed that in beige

hope they

uniforms

really kick that

guy's ass through his brains.' 'At least they got this bloke.'

how had been robbed the night before, and how uninterested security had been. He said, 'You should carry a piece. always do. Got my brother's .45 service automatic' He forced his thumb and forefinger into a gun and blammed at imaginary poolside assailants. 'Make my day,' '

Whaddya mean ?'

said Mai.

I

explained

I

I

he snarled.

Someone touched my speak to you,' she

shoulder.

It

was Barbara.

'I

want

to

said.

'Excuse me,' said Mai, tugging his baseball cap politely, and

not bothering to move. 'I've

made

the bet,' said Barbara. 'And I'm taking the four

o'clock flight to LA.

There was

You can do what you

a splash

from the pool.

pushing the cap back on

I

like.'

saw Mai watching me,

his head, grin widening.

I said, 'What the fuck's happening, BarbaraV The PA system resumed its roll-call of Keno winners.

She

said, 'I'm

going back to Patterson.'

'What?' 'I

can't handle this. You've been behaving like a lunatic'

The

car boot? I'd apologized for that.

'What's going on

in

your head, Richard?

know what you want from me up. Get real.'

me.

I

I

never know.

I

never

married you and you're messing

Barbara ran back towards the hotel, Mai's gaze tracking her

all

FALLING APART the way.

He

let

you something muff I

I

go

a long, appreciative whistle.

know what

said, 'Mai,

and

for free I'd

buddy.

that's this,

want from

He If

/

159

said, Til tell

that

were

my

her.'

you don't happen

to

have your gun handy, do

you? Patterson picked us up at glee,

LAX. He wasn't attempting to

in the sprawl of Los Angeles

Englishman.

I

had always

I

was

a dinosaur, a non-driving

that not driving

felt

made me colourful,

strange, different. Patterson's smile informed

We traffic

were

in a tailback

on

hide his

me

of the error.

the San Diego freeway, six lanes of

nose-to-bumper, inching up the valley. Barbara was

in the

front with Patterson, tapping her fingers in time to the radio. At

the end of the song the

DJ

That was Tears

said:

for Fears with

"Everybody Wants to Rule the World".' 'Not me,' said Barbara.

They dropped me on the hotel

where Barbara and

Richard. Love to do

it,

had I

to the beach.'

first

fucked. Patterson said,

can't give

but I've got a hoop

looked

I

I

why

'I'm sure you'll understand

around. Maybe.'

wanna go

just

'I

the deserted pavements of Sunset, near

at Barbara,

you a

game

ride

home,

to catch. See

you

but her eyes were fixed

ahead. She said nothing. I

had to catch the bus from the other side of Sunset. I got caught

in the

middle while trying to cross.

twenty-five minutes,

watched

a

man

traffic

still

head was already gone. apartment It

was

in

a rout.

was beached on

either

for about side,

and

dismantling the billboard of Mel Gibson. The

sawn-off shotgun was

almost clipped

I

blasting by

my

slung over his shoulder but half of his

A

legs off at the

time to see the

The

blonde driving a sky-blue Corvette

final

Celtics lost.

knee but

I

got back to the

minutes of the basketball game.

P

A R T

5

Party, Party

I

told Wallace Moss

surprised nor sympathetic.

Ann/ he

sang, lying

from the

sole of

about Las Vegas.

He

He was

neither

laughed. 'Ba-ba-ba, Ba-Barbara

on the sofa

in

my apartment, peeling gum me rockin' and a rollin', a

an alligator boot, 'got

rockin' and a reelin', Barbara Ann, Ba-ba, Ba-Barbara Ann.'

He

said

I

should forget her.

Perhaps he was

right.

Perhaps the time had come to wrap up

the whole deal with Barbara, chuck in Los Angeles, and head for

home. That would have been

sensible. Instead

phone, dialled the number of the house

in

I

picked up the

Hollywood. Barbara

answered, saying 'Ha-llo' in a tentative voice, and hung up as

soon as

me

I

spoke.

not to

call

I

It

unlisted

in

got Patterson.

He

told

by which time the company would have given

number.

sounded improbable.

would take

I

any more: he was going to disconnect the phone

until the next day,

him a new,

tried again. This time

England.

I

thought

Two weeks?

They'll never do that in a day/

how

long such an operation

Four? Three months?

I

said,

164

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

Patterson said, This I

called again.

next day

I

no longer

is

America. Goodbye, Richard.'

is

The phone had been

called

MAP

A

And

hook.

off the

left

the

The number you have number you have called is no number you have Patterson was right.

got a pre-recorded voice, saying available, the

longer available, the

.

.

.'

This was America. I

decided to try the Playboy Club.

walked

I

to Pico Boulevard

and waited for the Santa Monica Big Blue Bus. One came along. The driver was young, and wore sunglasses. I said, 'Does this bus go to Century City?'

He stared.

'No,' he said,

Tm gonna turn

it

around and go

other direction, just to fuck you up,' and did just that.

other passengers

make

frantic gestures as the bus

down Pico. Another bus arrived.

I

sat next to a black

in the

saw

I

the

headed back

woman who

wore a thick, grey muffler and said 'Hot, it's so damned hot.' I wondered if Barbara would be at the club. I read the LA Times. A sixteen-year-old girl had burned her entire collection of rock'n'-roll

Mormon

records on the lawn in front of the

temple on

me

Santa Monica Boulevard, explaining This music makes lustful.

It

must be destroyed. Otherwise

Another story told

how

I

will

burn

feel

in hell.'

a transient carrying the credentials of an

English journalist had been run over by a garbage truck while he slept in

an

alley in

Mar

transient? Probably he

be the

way

Vista.

How

was an English

had they known he was journalist.

a

That seemed to

they treated English journalists over here.

At the Playboy Club the red-faced doorman with the dreadful

was gloomy. I had no time for his moods. I asked if Barbara was there. He said, 'She's gone. All the beautiful bunnies have gone.' I assumed this was part of a conspiracy. I said, 'What do you mean?' 'It's all over. No more $20 tips from the Bunny Mother. No more shooting the breeze with Broadway Joe.' His voice was desperate, and he tugged at the lapels of his maroon jacket, hairpiece

rearranged the

wayward

frills

on

his soiled dress shirt, gestures

whose meaning could only be revealed by

He seemed about

to burst into tears.

extensive trepanning.

PARTY, PARTY A man

walked through the lobby.

I

165

/

wearing blue shorts and

thick white socks with the rabbit-head logo wrestled with a

life-

size placard of Mel Torme. The souvenir case was empty, and there was the whiff of sawdust and the noise of power drills.

Perhaps they were redecorating. Lorraine was at the bar. Her peroxide hair was clipped short

and she sloshed measures from glass.

different bottles into the

'Alio, Richard,' she said, in a thick,

'

drunken

same

voice.

'What's going on?' 'Club's closing

down. Aintchu

'eard?'

'What?' 'Been losing

money for years,

so they say.' She gulped the drink

and coughed. 'End of an error and began to

all that.'

Squads arrived and

up the carpet that was the colour of

roll

left-over

mustard. The Playboy Club was, actually, closing down. couldn't quite believe

I

it.

'I'm looking for Barbara.'

what 'appened,'

'eard

'I

said Lorraine, peering at a bottle of

yellow, viscous alcohol.

'Do you know where she

is?'

Lorraine said, 'Chuck's just signed this group called 'Danger-

may be going to Japan. to get off my bonce.' She

ous Curves'. They need a backing singer.

Be dead groovy. Meanwhile, I'm going sniffed at the yellow liquid glass. 'If

were you

I

Patterson,

I

and poured several inches into her

I'd leave

it

alone. She'll be happier with

you know.'

'Maybe,'

I

said. If

only he weren't so like a character in a

Russian novel. The phone on the bar rang. I

left I

I

face

I

walked up the

and an empty Pepsi can

breathless

when

I

came

one answered, so pineapple-top palm

man

was for Lorraine. As

heard her say: 'Right, Chuck.'

caught the bus to Hollywood.

and oppressive.

my

It

It

hill.

was windy,

the sky

was grey

Fat drops of rain splashed on

clattered

to the house.

I

on the pavement.

I

knocked on the door.

was

No

crossed the street and waited under a

I

tree.

in a sweat-shirt

was

Water dripped through the at the

window

leaves.

A

of the house next to

166

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

What was on

Barbara and Patterson's, looking down. His eyes met

summer day

my own, and in

he disappeared.

London when

I'd

I

his

mind?

remembered

a wet,

spent the entire afternoon riding

on the Circle Line, drinking

the loop

MAP

A

tea in the platform cafe at

Liverpool Street, thinking of Barbara and the

remembered the

man

first

with the purple

way

she looked.

I

afternoon at the Playboy Club, watching the the sweat

lips, feeling

on Barbara's back

as

she knelt to kiss me. I

felt tired

and

The

fuzzy.

rain turned abruptly to a tropical

downpour, splashing knee-high off the pavements, and within seconds

I

was drenched, my cheeks

red and white ball

me

she'd seen a

bad storm.

particularly

A

police car

came

I

heard a

you

are, don't just like

A

A

siren.

up, flashing blue and red lights,

commanded,

pearled by the rain, and a voice

was

flushed by the beating rain.

swam past in the gutter. Barbara had once told jacuzzi tub spinning down the street after a

move, keep your hands where

windows

'Stay right I

where

can see them.'

It

Dragnet.

cop got out of the

car.

He was

in his fifties,

wizened and

gnome-like, cloaked in a glistening mackintosh. 'OK, said. 'Spread those legs, lean

over the hood.'

I

pressed

pal,'

my

he

face to

my arms, round my chest and waist, down my hips and the inside of my thighs. He said, 'You wanna tell me what you're doing?' the wet, hot metal. His hands explored: under

'I'm waiting for someone.'

nodded

I

in the direction of the

house. 'She lives up there.' 'Get up,' he said. 'You from out of town?'

He

sighed, took a handkerchief

and inspected the contents.

'Last

from

week

his trousers,

guy

a

who

these houses shot a kid,' he said. 'Fact was, the kid

way back to Guy said he felt real bad about

That night headache. it

lives in

was

lost,

it,

one of trying

Hollywood. Guy thought he was a

to find his

burglar.

blew into

I

It

was

feverish

and wheezy.

must have been the

hadn't been what

rain.

it.'

I

day. I saw no way to was stymied. Then, later in the

I'd call a successful

contrive a meeting with Barbara.

I

shivered and I'd a bad

With one thing and another,

PARTY, PARTY week,

/

167

German called Peter He had met Barbara about a month before and she had

got a phone call from an East

I

Schneider.

given him this number. casually, as

though

'I

go out with

also

Europeans

all

did.

bunny

a

girl/

he said,

Why else would they come

America?

to

We met in the El As de Oros. thin, nearly seven feet tall, frizzy,

was

rust-coloured hair.

like a football rattle.

Schneider was a sight. Bean-pole

he wore a

New York Mets cap and had

He spoke

in a quick, clipped voice that

'You look

terrible,

you look

like a sick

man,' he said.

am

'I

'And

a sick man.' I

am

learning to be an American. This

Schneider had been East

Los Angeles for only

in

Germany he had

is

six

also difficult.'

weeks. Back in

written to one of the state newspapers

denouncing the Communist regime. This prompted a

member

of the secret police and he

go to

retraction, or 4

You

see that

movie Midnight Express} It is

lucky

emphasize

He

said,

'I

have

He had

this

a

a choice: publish a

was

Jail

just like this.

used to box.' At

this juncture

haircut, flicked

his point. Pool-table

the performance with amazement.

paid for his release.

I

Harpo Marx

Schneider, a giant with a air, just to

from

He didn't publish the retraction. He said,

jail.

Violence. Sexual abuse.

the

was given

visit

punches

in

Mexicans watched

He said the West Germans had

been worth 50,000 Deutschmarks.

problem with Americans.' His voice was

They have no sense of humour. You notice this? It is obvious, I think. And no humorous writers.' This was a bit strong, I thought, coming from an East German. I said, 'What about S. J. Perelman? Thurber, Roth? And Dorothy

very loud. 'This big problem.

Parker?' 'Shut up,

young man,' he boomed.

was 'The woman was I

calculated

five

I

years older than him.

a fool.

A

complete

fool.

about Americans. So provincial. One time

my bunny

girl,

I

ask

"Never have. Never Alaska? Incredible.

if

And

another thing

ask Beth-Ann, she

is

she had ever been to Europe. She said,

will.

Still

I

Too

close to Russia."

she has invited

me

So what about

to this party.'

168

LOS ANGELES

/

'What

WITHOUT

'For the closing of the Playboy Club.

it

You know

a closing party for the club?

secret.

A

I

women

plenty to I

must be

surprise.'

Food. Video games.'

with the floppy ears, said Schneider, they had

recommend them.

agreed.

was

of this?'

said, 'Barbara

'Sure. All the bunnies will be there. Drink.

These

MAP

party's that?'

There was keeping

A

I

couldn't believe

my luck. But had to wait. The party I

in six days' time.

Norris told

lawyer

in

me

a story.

He had been

Pasadena. There had been a

at a surprise party for a

fight,

and shot another dead. Some of the guests

one

man pulled a gun

at the party

were so

shocked, so outraged, so mad, that instead of waiting open-

mouthed

until the police arrived they

swarmed round

disarmed him and tied his hands with a red leather

belt.

the killer,

Then they

took him into the garden and beat him to death with fence planks.

They took

it

thirty-five of

in turn, like Caesar's assassins.

There were about

them.

Norris said, 'This one dude, he was an out-of-work actor, turns to

me and

says,

"I'm gonna

call the

cops and confess.

My career

needs the publicity."

We

were poolside

at a derelict

mansion near

Griffith Park.

Norris said the place once belonged to a big movie star of the

1930s (Garbo? Gable? Flynn? Davis? - he couldn't remember) before an arsonist got hold of a can of petrol and reduced

it

to a

The garden was overgrown, the palm trees charred and fire. There was a smell like rotting food and an abandoned tennis court. Fat flies circled in the heat. I'd seen more cheerful places. Someone McCrea knew was thinking of buying the estate and wanted to know if the pool could be renovated. I shell.

twisted from the

stared at the cracked bottom, half expecting to see a corpse there, face

down

in the

broken

glass, bloated

and decomposing

in the

sun. I

said,

'What do you

'No way,'

think?'

said Norris. 'Fucking pool's like the San Andreas

PARTY, PARTY fault.

He

Some bozo buys

this place, cost millions to

picked up a chunk of red brick and threw

it

put

it

'You know that little

woman

I

like?

169

straight.'

into the

pool, sending a lizard scampering into one of the cracks.

the

/

empty

He said,

With the red swimming pool and

dog? Chick cooled me. Got herself a new poolman, said

was making the call the cops.

situation worse.

McCrea was

Which was

real pissed.'

true.

I

Threatened to

He threw another piece of

brick. 'You're the lucky one, dude.' I

explained about Barbara.

Norris rested a hand on

must be

totally

my

shoulder. 'Dude,' he said, 'you

bummed.'

him I'd been thinking. What had happened was not really me and Barbara and Patterson. What had happened was about me and Los Angeles. loved Los Angeles, it excited and I

told

about

I

me, and

terrified

I'd

prostrated myself before the looping

freeways, the creepy mansions, the renegade

swimming pools palm trees, the

that turned to blood, the 128 assorted varieties of stories of

mass murders and fence-post slayings, the beach

the surf Nazis, the dedicated careerists the psychos

fucked

me

action.

I

on the

had enough of

up. I'd

was going

and

bus. I'd just lain back, this.

to take Barbara

'Have you told her about

this?'

brains,

religious fruitcakes,

and Los Angeles had

The time had come

for

back to London.

asked Norris.

'Not as such. I'm going to see her

in a

few days.

I'll

come up

with a plan.'

He nodded. 'Whole deal reminds me of a story

I

read in college.

Really neat story, about a guy from someplace in Europe, he's on this train, it's

back

in the times of the old west,

and the train has to

town because of a snowstorm. We're talking serious shit dude - there's a mountain of snow blocking the tracks.

stop in a here,

They're gonna be there awhile. So the guy goes into the town

some of the locals. He's nervous, he gets it into his mind they're gonna hurt him. The trouble starts when he accuses someone of being a cheat. It's really a story about Americans not understanding this European, he was a

hotel, starts playing cards with

Swede or some kind of Dutchman.'

170

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

'What happens

MAP

A

end?'

in the

'Oh,' said Norris, lobbing another half-brick into the

pool, 'they

kill

empty

the dude.'

Takowsky wore a blue linen suit along with his tan and glinting smile. It was a hot afternoon, around five, and we drove up Laurel Canyon, top down

in his

named Freddie who

for

Beowulf, which

Takowsky had

We

I

meet an English director

to

a film version of

had never read and with which

knowledge.

intimate

BMW,

some reason planned desperate

guy's

'This

had claimed

I

for

a

writer,'

'He may even take you.'

said.

pulled up in front of an ugly house of dark, grey stone.

There were turrets and arrow-slits

Norman

castle.

surgeon built

and sent

it

Takowsky

said

years ago.

five

it

resembled a

in the walls. It

was

He had

a

Norman

castle.

A

hand

an architect draw up plans

Europe, to Wales, to study the castles there

his wife to

and buy the stone. The surgeon had

a corporation

worth $3. 5m

number of male lovers. On her was informed and she hired a private detective. There were videos. So she got the castle, and was into coand

a

male

lover; actually, quite a

return the wife

production.

We

walked over

drawbridge and

a

down

a crunching gravel

path to a terrace beneath one of the towers where a crowd was gathered.

A woman in

in her early twenties

a black dress like a sack

and her face shone. Presenting

cheek for Takowsky to

And

are you?

That She picked

kiss,

she gave

me

Takowsky.

said, 'Nick, he's the leader of

out for me.

He

Takowsky went

arrived and presented

said

it

my

'Who

acting therapy class, he

made me look

feel at

like

A

Joan of Arc.

fish tank.'

The video wife

waiter in white jacket and black

me

tie

with champagne. The video wife

smiled, restless eyes flickering to and fro,

only

a burnished

look that said,

to find the English director.

examined me warily.

'I

was

'Stunning.'

That place on Rodeo Drive with the

hair.

a

up. She

what?' This was the video wife.

dress,' said

it

came

home in a car,' she said

hand twitching

for

at her

no apparent reason.

PARTY, PARTY l

Aaa-hah,'

Then k

I

said.

don't drive.'

'I

you shouldn't be in LA.' Her gaze slid over

Oh God,

didn't

you

171

/

my shoulder. and walked

just hate the Sixties,' she said,

away. I

wondered what

I'd

done

one look and concluded:

to offend her. Perhaps she

this

man

had taken

money and

has no car, no

probably no penis. I

walked down steps

to a

lawn which was bordered by hedges

manicured to the shape of birds and

was

littered

a reproduction of Michelangelo's

by gold spandex

woman

in a

briefs), a

with statues. There

David

(genitalia

Venus (naked), and

a

covered

wax model

of a

white mini-dress and white boots, crouched over the

handlebars of a Harley Davidson.

That's David as

in Goliath, right?' said a beautiful girl

blue hair and a bobbing pony-tail. 'But who's the

with

bimbo on

the

Harley?'

'Nancy

Sinatra.'

'As in Frank?' 'She

was

in a biker

'Wow. Frank 'Several.

movie once, The Wild Angels.'

Sinatra

had

But Nancy's

She wasn't

listening.

a wife

who was

a

movie

star?'

his daughter.'

She was looking towards the swimming

man who wore a US cavalry stetson was vomiting into the deep end. He made loud honking noises. I'd gathered that

pool where a

there were various sorts of Los Angeles party. There filmster party

was

where everyone knew everyone who was anyone

and no one drank or mentioned

sex.

There was the sort of party

Norris had described which erupted into sudden violence. there

was another

sort of party, this sort of party,

knew anyone and everyone seemed to be insane. afternoons,' said the

girl

I

said,

'I've

And

where no one

'Gee,

I

hate these

with the pony-tail.

A waiter appeared and refilled my glass. she meant.

the

I

thought

I

knew what

never been to one before. I'm from

England.'

She laughed, the sound of tiny England.'

bells

chiming. She said,

'I

like

172

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

'England

likes you,'

The

bells

little

I

MAP

A

said.

were again

in evidence.

She said, 'You dig punk

music?' 'Some.'

'You wanna do some coke?' This seemed a very good idea.

I

told her as

dagger-length fingernails became deft and

much, and her black, efficient,

plucking a

slim tube from the pocket of her bleached denim jacket and

unclipping a small gold spoon from a chain round her waist. 'Here?'

honking.

I

said,

He was

'Sure,' she said,

U2. They're so

looking round. The cavalry in a

man was

still

bad way.

and we

sniffed the coke.

'I

really dig

punk. Like

neat.'

punk

champagne bottle pushed between the Harley's seat cushion and Nancy Sinatra's wax rump. It was full, so I popped it and filled my glass. 'The 'That's not

Damned,

I

exactly,'

I

said, noticing a

think you could say they were punk.

were punk for about two weeks. And the Sex

The

Stranglers

Pistols, of course.'

'As in Sid Vicious?'

saw them

'I

once.'

'You're shitting me.' 'In

Huddersfield.'

'That in New Mexico?' A man in a three-piece suit came up. The suit was all white and

he wore a black shirt open to the third button. nestled

hair

He

among the pubic curls on

was swept back from

his

his chest,

forehead

and

Chunky jewellery his mane of black

in a spectacular bouffant.

resembled an aspirant Bee-Gee. As he curled a proprietorial

arm round

the shoulder of the

'This guy's

from London, England, and he was practically

fifth

girl

with the pony-tail, she said,

grade with Sid Vicious and the Sex

in the

Pistols.'

I said, 'The band was started by a bloke called Wally.' The man wagged his bouffant, sending waves of after-shave in my direction. 'London. That's where punk music actually comes

from, right?' he said, and laughed, a nasty, high-pitched sound

which came up from the back of his throat and bubbled out of his

PARTY, PARTY mouth: hy-erk, hy-erk, hy-erk.

'I

was

there one time.

It

/

173

rained, the

bars closed early.'

mob

Thus, the English: a

who

of rain-soaked punks

couldn't

buy beer when they wanted. 'Isn't

you on the 'It's

Harrison Ford over there?' said the Bee Gee,

that

pointing to a

tall,

stooping figure.

real,' said

the

girl

Takowsky was nowhere

my

into

and

glass

grasped

in sight, so

I

poured more champagne

towards the

set off

have been Harrison Ford. hall.

mandolins.

It

castle to look for

Men

I

him,

man who might

went through arched oak doors

into a

lime-green Robin Flood suits plucked at

in

was gloomy.

'Freddie's finished,' said a voice. 'Freddie hit rock

years ago, and he's he'll

hand. 'Catch

with the pony-tail.

passing a group which had gathered round the

cavernous

my

England, hy-erk, hy-erk.'

flipside,

been

He

bottom three

going down. Another year, the only thing

still

be directing will be the

traffic

on the Universal parking

lot.'

Was this the same Freddie who Takowksy wanted me to meet: Freddie the medieval English man? If so, did Takowsky know that Freddie's career

had become an example of the China

Syndrome? 'What about Lautner?'

said another voice.

dumb blond. He can be manipulated.' Would you happen to know where can find

'Lautner} He's just a I

said,

'Excuse me.

I

S. Takowsky?' The two men seemed appalled by the question. They said they had no idea where David S. Takowsky might be. They had never

David

heard of him. I

walked to the end of the

hall,

through a door and along a

passage lined with rusty armour and shields mounted on the wall,

wondering whether the surgeon had seen some particular merit this architectural style or whether he decided to build a

castle just to get his wife

There was a there

was

a

door

out of the way.

at the

room with

in a chair, and another

a

in

Norman

end of the passage.

TV set, a man with

man

a

sprawled on his

I

opened

it.

Inside

ravaged face asleep

belly,

head propped

174

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

on cupped hands. 'Ah hah,

my man," said

watch the hoop game.'

in,

It

MAP

A

second man, 'come

this

was Jack Nicholson, who was

exactly like Jack Nicholson: round face split by a leering grin, and

black hair receding from a creased forehead, coming to sharp

He had on baggy khaki trousers and a navy all over. stood with my mouth

points on his temples.

blue shirt with 'kamikaze' written

I

open. Presumably he was used to people behaving

thought of the movies

my dream

part of

Dunaway's eye

I'd

seen him

about America: discovering the flaw

Chinatown, jumping on the back of

in

way.

this

I

moments which formed

the

in,

in

Faye

a truck to

play the piano roped there in Five Easy Pieces, idiot glee and

am a bad-ass. am a Why were these things so important

calling himself bad-ass ('Bad-ass? Yeah,

bad-ass') in to

me?

I

The Last Detail.

remembered hearing

when he

this

I

a story about the worst lines he'd

my

ever had to speak in a movie ('Be

about to mention

I

sensible Susan')

'Do me

said:

and was

a favour?'

'Sure.' 'Sit

down. And don't

talk

about the movies.'

'Fine.'

'Me and Harry,' he

eyebrows

at the

man

asleep

not supposed to be in here. But they think I'm

in the chair, 'we're

gonna miss even the

'Who

said, raising his

first

quarter of a Lakers game, they're nuts.'

are they playing?'

'The Celtics.' 'I

thought they played them the other day.'

Nicholson gave

me

a sharp look.

'It's

a best of seven series.'

We watched the game. The Lakers, dressed in flashy gold strip, were winning with

ease.

Nicholson chuckled and from time to

'GO, LAKERS!' When Worthy stepped he wriggled on the carpet, shouting, 'Do

time stood up, roaring the free

throw

James baby, do

line it,

my

At the end of the

The the

Celtics

balls are in

first

my

it,

throat.'

quarter the Lakers were ahead, 28-23.

were not despondent, however, and gathered round

team bench, leaning over a trim, black

who waved

to

his

hand

as

figure in a pinstripe suit

though instructing them to dig trenches.

PARTY, PARTY The Lakers meanwhile were relaxed and

175

/

of confidence,

full

laughing, slapping each other's hands. Nicholson said they

always looked

this

way, even

teams

cliche but sports

if

they were losing, and said

it

was a

develop a character which was

really did

an uncanny reflection of the area from which they came. Hence:

from Boston, were grim, rugged and never gave up, while the Lakers were flamboyant and without self-consciousthe Celtics,

The Lakers had

ness.

players

who

earned

$5m

and

a year

contrived to lose equal amounts in dubious real-estate ventures.

On

moved

court, though, they

like film stars:

vain,

moody,

improbable dribbles and scoring im-

graceful, launching into

possible baskets, playing in a style so outrageous and daring

it

game was

a

seemed

might

it

fall

apart at any moment. Each

dazzling, vertiginous experience. said

I

found I

told

how

my

had

1

reasons for not liking the Lakers. Nicholson

this unbelievable.

He

'What's not to

like?'

him how I had come to Los Angeles in pursuit of Barbara,

she had married me,

script

said,

and

fallen apart in

how

things had not gone according to

Las Vegas

when

she had been sent there

by her former fiance to make a bet on a basketball game.

Nicholson rolled on

Or

stuff true? 'It all

back and scratched

me

Afterwards

Canyon.

It

I

said,

'I

do

believe drastic action

me

the hideous profiles of the

had

bothered.

wanted

left

And

I

out

Norman

and angry

red.

sunsets.

castle

were

Mosquitoes the

Jack Nicholson had

without saying goodbye to Takowsky.

set I

me

wasn't

never did get to meet the Englishman

who

to film Beowulf.

Schneider drove an orange laid

called for.'

walked across the drawbridge and down Laurel

size of golf balls cruised the air. I

is

was another of those outrageous Los Angeles

silhouetted against a sky of orange

straight.

his belly. 'Is this

on?'

happened.'

'My man,' he

Behind

his

are you putting

in

VW Beetle and his travelling kit was

neat piles in the back: sleeping bag, rucksack, towel,

stove, tins of pineapple chunks, Swiss

army

knife,

Gibbon's

176

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

Roman Empire (in German, and in English

Decline and Fall of the

- the

eight

full

flags of

MAP

A

volumes of the Milman

edition),

and the national

both the Soviet Union and the United States of America.

asked about the 'Is it illegal

and he smiled, saying in that staccato

flags,

to drive

when

I

voice:

deaf?'

He didn't bother to explain. He liked to appear mysterious. I didn't mind. At last: was on my way I

told

him

I

didn't quite follow.

I

to the other party, the

one

Barbara would give

become mine

in,

I'd

been waiting

for, the

for ever.

felt

I

one where

good.

VW up the curvy stretch of Sunset. This

Schneider barrelled the

was alarming. He seemed never to have heard of oncoming traffic. I closed my eyes. Schneider was undeterred. He said, 'You have noted the works of your English historian Gibbon? Los Angeles is like Rome. During the reign of Commodus. Violence, decadence, insanity.

It is all

in Latin.

I

and the sexually intriguing footnotes are not

here,

have told Beth-Ann

reads only Westerns. L' Amour.

Sometimes

Is I

T.

J.

that a real

She does not

name? She

mind

think her

this.

like history.

Edson and someone

is

loves

like the prairie.

J.

T.

She

called Louis

Edson

best.

Empty with Duke

Wayne riding across the middle. You like the films of John Ford?' 'Some.'

'Your favourite?'

PT boats, They Were Expendable.'

'The one about the

'Ah, Robert Montgomery,' he

said,

and went

into a detailed

analysis of the cinema of John Ford.

My mind was elsewhere. My mind was on the plan I'd cooked up after

cover

my all

talk with Jack Nicholson.

the angles.

I

was

Would

confident.

And,

it

work?

I'd tried to

after all, did

Barbara

want to spend her life with a man who might have stepped from the pages of Dostoievsky? The bottle weighed heavy in my pocket. Wallace Moss had got

it

for

me.

He

counter at Ralph's. Schneider was be the getaway car, justified.

He

said,

if

'You

needed.

in

He

said he'd

on the

bought

thing. His

it

over the

VW was to

considered the plan quite

try negotiation. If that doesn't

work

.' .

.

Schneider explained that My Darling Clementine wasn't really a

Western

at all,

more

a statement concerning the impossibility of

PARTY, PARTY

177

/

being a true individual within the capitalist system, and turned the

VW up a curving drive at the end of which was a half-timbered house designed to look

Mansion West. Beth-Ann met

Tudor mansion. This was Playboy

like a

us at the door. She

was small and dark, with

disproportionately large breasts. She hugged Schneider and barely this?'

came

to his waist.

They were an incongruous

pair.

'Who's

she said, looking at me.

This

Richard,' said Schneider. 'He

is

knows one of

the other

girls.'

'No kidding? Who's

that?'

'Barbara.'

know

'I

Barbara. She's here with her boyfriend. The screen-

writer.' I

she I

said he

was

a particular friend of mine,

knew where

and asked Beth-Ann

if

they were. She didn't.

had suggested

to Schneider

we

arrive early to avoid the

crowds. This part of the plan was a success. There seemed to be

no one there tables

at all.

We walked through a rumpus room with pool We walked

and pinball machines, which was empty.

through a room with a huge movie screen showing the film called

Babes

in

Baghdad, which was empty.

titles

We

for a

walked

through an astroturfed aviary, empty apart from cackling

macaws and

a bilious green parrot

inches, fourth

and inches, give

Marcus'.

We

below an

oil portrait

it

which screeched 'Fourth and

to Marcus,

go Raiders, give

it

to

a room where a log fire crackled Hugh Hefner and there were a number of

went through of

black leather chairs with no one sitting in them.

It

was

the

Playboy remake of the Marie Celeste.

Beth-Ann said she was taking Peter to the bunny warren. I wondered what and where that might be, and why wasn't I invited? 'Try the grotto pool. Barbara

pointing beyond french to be

may

be there.

It's

outside,' she said,

windows to a smoothly shaven lawn. 'Used

known as the herpes pool. Now we call it the you-know-what.'

'I'm sorry?' 'A-I-D-S.'

178

LOS ANGELES WITHOUT

/

A

MAP

'American women, so coy,' said Schneider.

Beth-Ann didn't agree. She butted him I

in the groin.

walked onto the lawn. Here there were

signs of

life.

A man

stalked by, wearing flip-flops and a checkered bathrobe, pipe

clamped between

by a

his jaws, escorted

large, balding, cliff-like

mass which chewed gum and was, I presumed, his bodyguard. The man saw me, waved, and I waved back. I shielded my eyes against the glare and went on. The grotto pool was a frothing Jacuzzi set among ornamental rocks. At one end was a woman in a black swimsuit and bunny ears, reading National Geographic and nibbling a chocolate bar, while at the other

two grey-haired men discussed on

'Spastic colon,' said one, pulling

'No

a

monstrous

cigar.

said the other.

shit,'

'Sliced

their physical condition.

me

like a

melon. Twenty-four stitches and each

cost the insurance $500.'

which seamed

He

jabbed a finger at the

stitch

livid scar

his belly.

'Could be worse.' 'It is 'I

worse. I've lost

don't get

'Sure girl,

you

who

my

force.'

it.'

do,' said the

man

with the cigar, leering at the bunny

reached to grasp another chocolate bar from a plate on

one of the rocks.

'I'm having a

'Right, right. Can't they give 'I've

been everywhere there

Jacked off over a magazine outside,

was

little

you is.

trouble.' a pill?'

Last

in a cubicle

as embarrassing as hell.

week

I

gave a sample.

with some nurse waiting

They

sent the tube to

Bakersfield for analysis.' 'Bakersfleld?'

'Beats

me

too. In a specially refrigerated truck.'

The bunny girl leaned forward, offering the plate of chocolate bars. 'No thanks, honey. I don't eat chocolate bars, I eat pussy,'

man without the cigar, the one who wasn't impotent. He roared with delight at the joke. The woman forced a smile, revealing large and perfect teeth. What was it about American dentists? The man gave an appreciative grunt. 'That's what call said the

I

PARTY, PARTY a

mouth. Wouldn't that mouth look beautiful with two

hanging from

horribly.

lawn and heard

doing here?'

had been

turquoise. She appeared angry.

have

my

Her head

walked down a slope towards

I

a familiar voice: 'Richard!

What are you me from

turned and saw Barbara, walking towards

I

the house, dressed as she

'I

balls

it?'

The two men laughed, a croquet

179

/

that

'How

day

first

at the club, all in

did you get in?'

methods.'

flicked

away, then she looked

at

me

again.

'What do

you want?' been thinking.

said, 'I've

I

This has got

I

had

this

genius idea.'

to stop.'

'The two of us in England. Together. In London.' 'Richard, you're not listening.' 'So,

you coming

to England?'

'Of course not.' 'It's

such a great idea.'

'How many

times do

towards the house, 'Listen,'

get

said.

I

I

stilettos

'It's

have to say

Los Angeles.

back to England, everything

'It's

not LA.

It's

'At least

A it

She headed back

It's

will

I

followed.

been fucking us up.

If

we

be OK.'

you.'

'You hate LA. You said nightclub.

it?'

snipping across the lawn.

so.

Remember? You

said

it

was

just a

terrible nightclub.'

used to be a nightclub without you

in

it.'

'You can't stay with Patterson.'

'Would you 'Because

I

not?'

love you.'

She ignored

and

me why

tell

this.

By now we were

level

with the grotto pool

caught her by the shoulders, screaming:

I

the statement got a

eyes popping and

mixed

7

love

Now

youV

press. In the Jacuzzi three faces stared,

mouths wide. They were

getting

some

enter-

tainment. Barbara stopped and lowered her head, plunging the toe of a shoe into the turf.

She girl?

said,

'What am

I

to you, Richard?

Your California beach

Your West Coast wahini? You never

really

thought about

180

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

MAP

A

me at all. Did you ever, just once, stop and ask yourself what was feeling? What might want? Like hell, you did. Then there was I

I

How was

your jealousy. child.

You have

I

supposed to handle that? You're

like a

the ego of a baby. You're fucked up. You're a

total fuck-up.' I

felt

clearly

punch-drunk. Barbara was calling

me a

fuck-up. She had

My

resolve stiffened.

gone mad.

She was marching towards the house. Negotiations had

The moment had come

failed.

for the plan:

chloroform the bitch, kidnap her. Force was necessary. She'd asked for

watched

it. I

moment when

her, thinking that

if

would be on my

side.

I

could catch her at the

windows then

she opened the french

my

took the bottle from

I

surprise

pocket and

unscrewed the top. I doused a handkerchief and a sweet smell

my

ether jolted

nostrils.

handkerchief behind I

my

out in pursuit, clutching the

back.

caught up with her when she'd already gone through the

french windows. She leather chairs her,

set

I

like

was halfway across

room with

the

and the portrait of Hugh Hefner.

I

the

lunged towards

grabbing her by the neck and pulling her towards a sofa that

was about behind

my

as long as a cruise liner.

I

brought the hand from

back, pressing the chloroform swab into her face.

I'm not clear about what happened then. I'm pretty sure an

elbow crunched into several bricks.

my

chloroform bottle glugging

into

moment thought

my

I

chest.

I

had

she

S.

on

my head

like

aware only of the

contents over the sofa.

legs

I

looked up.

seemed to go up and up and up.

was about

to grind a turquoise heel

a picture of myself

on the plane

here, listening to a Greek policeman explain

leader Nikita

fell

the floor, in pain,

its

Barbara stood over me. Her For a

and something

ribs,

Then I was on

flying out

how even the famous

Khrushchev had regarded Los Angeles

as

an

remembered being fourteen years old in a school dormitory in Colwyn Bay, North Wales, where the

earthly paradise.

I

windows always sheeted with

ice in winter,

taking

masturbate over a photograph of Raquel Welch red shorts.

I

remembered myself aged

in

my

turn to

thigh-hugging

seven, licking the sugary

PARTY, PARTY

/

181

my mother had used to mix a cake me that one day someone would bake for me, just

paste from the spoon which

hearing her for

tell

me, every week. Where had

Nicholson when

I

it all

gone wrong? Where was Jack

needed him?

down and extended a hand. 'Get up, Richard,' kind voice. She hauled me to my feet and brushed dirt

Barbara leaned she said in a

from

my

clothes. She smiled,

and two things happened.

He

First,

me with murder in his eyes and had a revolver pointed carelessly at my stomach. He was grinning, and had the appearance of a man who preferred to Patterson entered the room.

looked

at

shoot from the hip. 'Richard,' he said. 'I'm

gonna take you

Then

The impotent grey-haired came through the french windows.

to the ball park.'

the second thing happened.

man from

the

Jacuzzi

Characters were appearing like a scene in a drawing-room

comedy. The impotent man

sniffed, pointed his

nose

in the air like

hound following a scent and sniffed again. He chuckled. 'Hey, I knew I knew that smell. Isn't that supposed to be a sexual stimulant?' he said and dabbed cigar ash onto the sofa. a

chloroform.

There was a whoomphing sound as the black leather exploded into flames.

the

The man

bang of a

screeched, 'Yeah,

revolver.

me, but he got

I

didn't

Hugh Hefner

There are 9,852

cells for the

know

right

if

let's

party,'

and

I

heard

Patterson was aiming at

between the

eyes.

temporary detention of suspects

in

the Los Angeles area. At any time at least 60 per cent of these are

occupied, that figure rising to 95 per cent during weekends and holiday periods to be bused

when

prisoners awaiting court appearances have

from those precinct houses which

(Inglewood, Watts, Belvedere, East LA) to

less

fill

up most quickly

crime-prone areas.

Fewer than 10 per cent of those arrested are eventually convicted; the others cost the city a total of over

These

facts

were revealed

Auerbach. Tall, slender,

to

$lm

me by

in his twenties,

per day.

desk sergeant Carl

Auerbach had

a

mop

of

black hair and a drooping Zapata moustache. His expression was

mournful. At high school he had been a star

in the

long jump, and

182

an enthusiast of expect

and

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

I

statistics.

always

will be.

politics. Facts

World

can

I

Testament,

He said: 'Always was a numbers man, know facts about history, geography

about mathematical

Series. Facts

Soft facts.

I

I

tell

wish

MAP

A

I

series

and

could forget. Easy

facts

facts.

about the

Hard

facts.

you the names of the books of the Old

The name of eveiy president. DiMaggio's Ed Moses' record for the 400 got a mind like a toilet bowl, this shit goes in,

in order.

batting average for the '53 season.

metre hurdles.

I

some of it sticks to the side.' The Hollywood police station on' Wilcox, eight at night: the scene was deserted and quiet, except for a series of furious, choking yells that came occasionally from deep within the building. Perhaps they

Wasn't

rubber hose.

supposed to do?

me yet.

I

I

this

what

wrapped

cell.

Instead

I

American police were

the

couldn't understand

also failed to understand

nor thrust into a desk,

were beating a suspect with lengths of

why it hadn't happened to

why had been neither charged I

was on

in a blanket, seated

a

bench behind the front

beneath a row of wanted

posters (desperate, unshaven, rat-like individuals

- did I look like

why desk sergeant Auerbach was being so was my accent. He said, 'You wanna hear the of how they come to have those wooden Indians outside

that?), asking myself polite.

story

Perhaps

cigar stores?

I

it

got

it

from the Reader's Digest, about

fifteen years

.ago.' I'd

been there over two hours when the door banged open and

Schneider came

in.

He was

with a fair-haired

man

of

medium

height, dressed in a crisp tan suit. Schneider looked around,

spotted me.

He

explained that the

British consulate. Schneider said,

What happened. How we make

man 'I

and

was from the him everything.

in the suit

have told

protest against treatment of

women in the capitalist system. How it is just as bad as treatment of women in the Soviet Union. This is why we burn the flags.' What was

What

The British diplomat meanwhile regarded me with distaste, making small, twitching movements of the mouth. He said, 'It was a very silly and, frankly, a rather childish gesture. What, might I ask, did he talking about?

you hope to achieve?'

flags?

I

had no

idea.

PARTY, PARTY I

know) confused.

felt (I

I'd still

/

183

no idea what was going on.

Schneider was signalling with his hands.

What was

he up to?

He

That bump on the head. It has shaken you up, Richard. The flags we had in the back of the car. We burnt them in front of the picture of Hugh Hefner. Remember?' said,

Now

was a political activist, protesting against the degradation of women. The British diplomat said, 'You're to be released. Very lucky for I

understood:

I

you that your friend had contacts

at the

German

consulate. Very

lucky for you that the parties involved wished to avoid publicity.

Otherwise I

could have landed you a

this incident

how

glanced at Schneider, wondering

jail

sentence.'

he had pulled

this off.

His face was expressionless as he inspected the wanted poster for

an escaped child life in

rapist.

Perhaps he was thinking of the mystery of

Los Angeles. Or John Ford. Or Gibbon.

The parties involved didn't avoid publicity altogether. I think this was down to the curious mind of desk sergeant Auerbach. 'MILLIONTH HOLLYWOOD ARREST IS ENGLISH TORCH SUSPECT WHO didn't drive' said the headlines on page

British visitor

of the

LA

Times.

Richard Rayner became the millionth arrest

LAPD's Hollywood

the history of

following a

five

fire

and

division this

in

Monday,

a shooting incident at an unspecified Bel-

Air mansion. Rayner, a poolman and unemployed screenwriter,

was discovered by

a patrol car at Sunset

and Mapleton

make his escape. He was on foot, i don't drive,' arresting officers, 'but I certainly didn't mean to

while trying to

Rayner told start a fire.

I'm not an arsonist.'

No

one was injured

in the

incident and charges are not being pressed.

Takowsky rang

before I'd finished breakfast.

He

said, 'Great

move, Richard. Publicity never hurt anyone. Now you're beginning to get the idea. That's what I mean by high concept.

With I

this

I

can get you meetings. Irwin Yablans

always knew

it.

We're

going places,

you and

will eat this alive. I.'

184

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

'No, we're not,' time really had

go home.

I

I

and hung up. I'd had enough. Now the wrap up the whole Los Angeles deal and

to

began to get

my I

was disappointed

wanted

MAP

said,

come

Norris wasn't home, so said he

A

to talk to me.

stuff together,

left a I

was going

still

I

and made

few

a

calls.

message on the machine. McCrea

found

Marlene

since his wife

He

this alarming.

would remember me when they prayed,

said they

the

for

still

of

ball

redemption. I

decided to go cross-country by train, pick up a

flight in

New

York, give myself time to think. Schneider and Moss lent

money

for tickets. Revelationist Schneider told

most of the

last

month

at

me

me

he had spent

Beth-Ann's place, watching videos over

and over, and concocting

measure

a story plagiarized in equal

from White Heat, The Godfather, The Long Good Friday, Once

Upon A Time to

In America and Prizzi's Honour.

Paramount

Romans

for $180,000.

He

before they fuck you, no?'

now

For several weeks

He had

sold this

'When in Rome, fuck the Moss had a surprise as well.

said,

he had been running drugs from Los

Angeles to Nevada, taping bricks of marijuana inside the shining

new hubcaps

of his Cadillac.

I

thought of the times

I'd

ridden in

it,

did you?'

that car.

Moss It

burn

'You never did get a handle on any of

said,

was

true.

I

tore

in the rusted

down the map of Los Angeles and watched

barbecue outside the house, smiling as flames

gulped the squares of brown, yellow and orange. the

moment

I

was

it

in the

squad car that

I

I'd

violently

known from wished to be

The movie with Barbara was over, failed, flopped, bombed. Los Angeles: I wasn't sure what I'd got from it all. I remembered Auden's remark that there was more to life than fleeting emotions, that any marriage was infinitely more interestsomewhere

else.

ing than any romance, however passionate. Auden,

me, knew have me.

what he was talking about.

Stability didn't

was growing until

I

hit

seem such

up. At least,

I

a

I'd

it

seemed to

go back to Jane,

bad thing after

all.

if

she'd

Perhaps

needn't have another adolescent

I

crisis

middle age.

Barbara came round that night. She wanted to pick up some

'

PARTY, PARTY clothes she had I

was

said,

'I

the apartment. She didn't seem surprised that

left in

tights,

said,

'I

guess this

talking.

bunny

the

is it.'

so.'

got something for you.

'I

and me were

was

me and

at

guess

She said,

It

185

leaving.

She looked I

/

I

It's in

won't be needing

suit.

When

it

the bathroom.

My dad

any more.'

Barbara had gone

I

pulled on the

then the corset, and the ears. She'd forgotten the shoes.

Barbara's father told her to give

was drunk.

was

I

defeated.

I

me this?

was

full

I

Had

could almost believe it.

of regret:

I

Bunny Richard,

goodbye.

The next afternoon Moss and Schneider drove me to Union Station. We went in the Cadillac. I eyed the hubcaps, and Moss assured me he wasn't carrying. My departure was marked by the usual bumper-to-bumper traffic insanity and another Gotter-

ddmmerung

sunset.

As we cruised Harbor Freeway, top down,

breeze in our faces, the sky turned from a glowing nacreous colour to vibrant pink,

and then orange and red.

We swept down the exit

ramp and I waved at drivers left behind in the jam. Aretha Franklin was on the radio and a billboard loomed over us. 'Wilderness Taxidermy of Glendale', it said, 'Stuff your loved ones.'

We pulled up in front of the station.

'So,' said

Moss, as he took

my suitcase from the back, 'next time you see me I'll have a silo in Kansas or someplace, Schneider.

The

just full of

three of us

made

money.'

I

shook hands with

the usual promises to keep in

It was all rather stiff and formal. Then they were gone. The station was huge and dark, with a dull echo like a cathedral. The woman at the counter had purple hair and a mouth which

touch.

opened and snapped quickly shut 'That's

all

right

like a trap:

by me.'

'What?' 'I

said, "That's all right

'You jerking

by me."

my chain?'

'It's

a joke. Like the Carl Perkins song.'

'I'm

gonna

call security.'

'Where

to, mister?'

186

WITHOUT

LOS ANGELES

/

'New York,

if

you

please,

MAP

A

one way.'

A

took the ticket and walked to a news-stand.

I

black teenager

yellow and green rasta hat went by, smoking a joint and

in a

muttering threats, and a National Enquirer headline said: 'Zero gravity turns rats to limp dishrags'.

I

examined the people around

me in the station - the cops, the bag ladies, the transients, the jostling commuters - and felt pleased with myself. Perhaps I knew something these people didn't

after

all.

I

knew enough

to get

away. 'Please don't leave,' said a voice,

and

turned, and

I

saw

Barbara. She was panting for breath, and wore running shorts

and

with sweat. I

Her

a black T-shirt.

was

want you

'I

eyes shone and her forehead

was dewed

to stay.'

speechless.

She wasn't. She said, 'You'll have to change. like before.

I

need you to think about me.

I

We

can't

go on

need you to treat

me

like a real person.' I

couldn't believe this

She said,

'I

was happening.

love you.'

'You do?'

We I

'I I

kissed.

said, 'Give can't. felt

I

me

a

lift

back to the apartment?'

rode here with Patterson.'

dizzy, light-headed. 'Patterson brought

you here?'

'He's waiting outside. He's thinking of your interests.' I

How could she behave this way? My mind

stared at Barbara.

raced.

A

ghostly voice

boomed out over

the station, announcing

the imminent departure of the Twentieth Century Limited to

New

York, and suddenly

mind

cleared.

Barbara gave

and resumed, a

me

knew

everything would be

a puzzled look.

telling her

few days and

I

was gorgeously calm.

I

in the

a movie: Hitchcock,

I

I

felt

better by the

we could sneak back

meantime

it

would be an adventure,

The Thirty-Nine

was Madeleine

Carroll.

My

Steps,

moment

into Los Angeles in just like

Robert Donat and

Madeleine Carroll, handcuffed together, on the run. I

fine.

said, 'Let's get the train.'

"I

met her

in

a bar and knew

Rayner's hilarious and ironic

I

was

first

delectable. Richard loves her.

steady

and a

girlfriend,

job,

in

trouble."

book. Barbara, a Playboy bunny,

He abandons

and

So begins Richard

flies

his

London, a

life in

to Los Angeles,

is

search of

in

Barbara and the romanticized America he's seen only

movies.

in

Richard obsessively pursues Barbara through a series of misadventures that take him from photography sessions

encounters with

succeeds

in

men

wooing

Las Vegas. But

their

in gorilla

her,

suits

and

in

the desert to

and they marry, bathed

in

the neon lights of

happiness unravels, and Barbara skips out.

Richard determines to win her back. Then he, too, takes

happy ending he had envisioned film capital of

the world.

without a map

is

and

all

a

in

is

fades to black

as the

in

the

candid and comedic, los angeles

a dazzling travelogue of

in

Bradford, England, and

the author of the blue

novels, the elephant

flight,

love, loss,

between.

Richard Rayner was born Los Angeles. He

for their lives

Brilliantly

cult favorite,

destinations

he

"surf Nazis." Eventually

suit,

lives in

a memoir, and two

and murder book. He writes

TIMES, the LOS ANGELES TIMES, HARPER'S BAZAAR,

now

for the

new york

and GRANTA, among

other publications.

Fiction/ $12.00

ISBN 0-395-83809-6

0997/6-94177

780395"838099

MARINER BOOKS

/

HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY