Don't Let Them Psych You Out! 1435711688, 9781435711686

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Tlre naterial in this baok is in tw way meant to be a substitute for medical, psyckological, kgal, or othcr professional advice or senices. This book is soWfor infonnatlon purposes only. Neither tlu auilw nor the publisher will bc held sccowt&le tor the use ot misuse of the information

Contents

Intloduction

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contained in this book

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Ihe Boslcs of Psychologlcol SelFDefense

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.

10.

Don't Let Them Psych You Out!

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CI2008 by Georgp Zgourides

Can I Really Regain Control of My Life?......................... 9 How Thoughts and Emotions Cause Prob1ems.............-. 15 Rethinking Away Your ProbIems............... .................... Zl Making What You Say and Do .....29 Ready .,..................37

Replies.......

Count....

Powerful Assertiveness Techniques ............................... 43 Wheri's the Monkey?.................. ................ 53 Unconventional Strarcgies.....,............ .........59

Golden! Opponents............ Battle....

Silence is

.................".. 67

Nasty Preparing for

.,.......,73 ..............79

Pqrl ll When You Psych Yourself Out All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or stored in any form whatsoever without the pnor written consent of the publisher. Reviews may quote brief passages without the written

12. 13. L4.

consent of tlre publisher as long as proper crcdit is given.

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5.

16.

Anxiety YourCool!............

Conquering Worry and ...................87 Keep ...........95 Learning to Handle Friendly Criticism.......................... 105 Learning to Handle Unfriendly Criticism...................... I I 3 Refuse to Feel Needlessly Guilty or Depressed ............. I l9

Port lll When Olhers Psych You Out

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..........127 ......,....137

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Intoduction

INTRODUCTION Everybody's had to deal wi& them difficult people. From the nosy ncighbor and meddling relative -to th€ overb€aring boss and pushy salesman. Our society is literally full of people tling to get an upper hand by manipulating and "psyching out" the meek and innocent. And there's usually one or more of these folks in every crowd, regardless of where you live, work, worship, travel, or socialize.

So if you want to preserve your sanity, maintain your pcrsonal in-

tegrity, and avoid g€tting psyched ouq Don" Let Them Psych You Out! has a lot to offer you. To survive the brutality of everyday life, I believe it is essential that you take charge of yourself * your thoughts, emotions, and reactions to others

$omething I refer to as

- armed with the right psychological se.lf-defense. In other words, cognitive, emotional, and behavioral ("cognitive-emotional-behaviorat," or CEB) weapons, a person need not be bullied by anybody, including the unscrupulous, mnnipulating types. You're not really required to do what 'lhey" say. You don't need to worry about "their" opinions. You don't have to smnd by and let "them" walk all over you. Much like the martial artist who develops various skills to protect himsclf physically, you can develop skills to protect yourself psychologically. Ycs, there's grcat personal power in knowing who you are

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2

Introduction

Don't Let Them Psych You Out!

really has it together, While tnre in many areas of my life, I've always had trouble when "caught off guard" by intimidating, controlling, and pushy people. Like many shy and reserved folks, I'm easily startled when challenged or faced with confmntations. I go blank, worry about losing face, shuffle around for a guick comeback (which never works), and later feel bad about not having had it togetlrer. I mean, my reputation as a psychologist and decent person is at stake, right? Well, as it turns out, not really, but during a confrontation it can secm that way. So after years of dealing with difficult bosses, clients, and students, I decided there had to be a better way. And I found it. First, I realized that tlwre is the potential for contlict in every encaunter, and that, just like a good Boy Scout" I need to always be alert and prepared for whatever problerns might just happen along in the course of my day. Second, I found that altering my interpretations of events in my life is what really rnakes a differcnce, not necessarily rying to change the events themselves. Today, I still encounter a.ssorted problems at work, school and home, but now l'm better pra pared to handle them by keeping a rational, realistic atritud€ about it all. For example, it's not really terrible if my students dislike my classes, only inconvenient in some c:ses, and no problem at aII in mosl cases. Third, I found that I could best verbally counrer difficult people by preparing myself ahcad of time with "Iines" I can spout off without having to think, i.e., specific responses I'd memorized and practiced to give me something intelligent to say when challenged, allow me time to gather my senses and think my way out, and defuse an uncomfortable situation. Here's a brief example to illustrate my last point. People tend to think of me as an open-minded, nice guy, so they are always calling and asking me for favors. For example, one of the most common reguests I get is to give free talks at generally inconvenient times, like after work or on Saturday mornings. Unfortunately, usually get caught off guard, go blanlq and then agre€ to do something I don't really want to do. After deciding to regain control of my schedule, I prepared the following READY REPLIES (RRs) for unreasonable

and what you can choose to do (orrnore importantly, nat do) in any situation.

Unfortunately, most of us like to play it safe, believe and do what we're told, and find every imaginable way to avoid conflicu. The sad fact is: most people would ratlwr back down than stand their ground orf;ght Dac&! While perhaps convenient in the short run, this philosoSry of retreating in the face of conflict isn't a very effective or healthy way to embrace life. In fact, it creates a vicious cycle of backing down, feeling bad, backing down again, feeling wotse' etc., until the person feels out of conrol cmotionally. Sure, it's uncomfortable facing fears and standing up for yourself, but in thc long run it's the best way to avoid chmnic unhappiness and even serious emotional problems. Every person has the right to make his own decisions and be his own p€rson without som€one else invading his personal or psychological spacc. "The Systern" (not lo mention "Big Brothef'!) does who needs it from bosses and relatives, too? enough of this anyway My purpose, then, in writing Don't I*t Thcm Psych You Out! is to help all the 'nice" people out there who are fed up with feeling stomped on. This is not to say there's some magic answer that will make all the bad things in life go away. To the conrary' not everyone something tlre typical psycholo' is going !o live happily ever after (lt's good for business!) Most people will not gist may not tell you. Life is hard. Not disillusionments. face many disappointmens and quit work, ascan everyone And not fixed' everything can always be the road. and identity, hit sume a new There are effective CEB strategies, however, that you can use to minimize the emotional pain and stresses of daily living. For example, the person who can't changc or leave a particular situation (e.g., a

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strcssful job) can learn to "t€think" his situation, assert himself, and verbally handle whatever problems and annoyances arise. ln Don't I*t Thcm Ps$h You Oat!,|'ll describe many such strategies to help you better cope with and even overcome some of life's hardest blows simple, proven strategies that can be applied to all interpersonal

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-conflicts.

requests and demands on my time:

In all truth, I originally began developing Don't Lct Them Psych You Out! for my own use. As a psychology professor and clinical psychologist, my expa;ted rtile in society is that of someone who

"l already have plans." "l have very little free time these days."

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4

Don't L,et Them

PsYch You

Introduction

Out!

to protect yourself from the mental and verbal attacks of others, such relatives, bosses, and salespeople. But it doesn't stop there! lnDon't lzt Them Psych Yau Out!,1'll also show you how to rclax and center younelf before going into polentially difficult situations; how to reflect and paraphrase what someone else is saying; various ways !o say NO; how to ward off unwelcome, rnalicious criticism; and much more. These are the same techniques I teach to my students, trainees, and clients here for you in written form, and at a fraction of the cost of seeing mc (or any other psychologist) at the office. What a deal! Finally, although mass market pop psychology boofs are everywhere, you've probably noticed that these tend to be unrealistically

"My calender is completely booked." 'I-et rnc think about it""

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With these sorts of vague, 'tanned" replies, I have ready-made statements that give me an out, or at least more time to think about the

requasL Simple but effcctivc! (Yes, I've gonen out of giving a lot of frel tatt